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“Charlie Brooker's” Anakt Garden - Results

Notes: All students were abducted by the end of 2024 and taken into Anakt Garden. Vocal training completed in [DATA NOT FOUND]. 

The following are the most outstanding vocalists in the class, all of which will go on to participate in ALIEN STAGE.

UPDATE: One of the chosen participants has been reported missing. The ALIEN STAGE lineup has been adjusted accordingly.

Philomena Cunk

Gender: N/A

Age: Early 50s

Height: 170 cm

Hair color: Brown (+ Ginger/Orange box dye)

Eye color: Grey

Previous Known Occupations: Documentarian for the BBC, Talking Head, Blogger

Likes: Barry Shitpeas, sleeping, crisps, plushies

Dislikes: History, onions

Talent: Can put her legs around the back of her neck

Abduction Notes: During the filming of Cunk on Life

Status: Alive

(Mizi)

Barry Shitpeas

Gender: N/A

Age: Early 50s

Height: 170 cm

Hair color: (assumingly) Black (Bald)

Eye color: Blue

Previous Known Occupations: Talking Head, Main head of ‘Shitpeas TV’, Stand-up Comedian

Likes: Philomena Cunk, bandages, starting fires, video games, cats

Dislikes: History, studying, ignorance

Talent: Hand-eye coordination

Abduction Notes: Accidental abduction in 2020. Covered up successfully with the claim that he died from COVID-19.

Status: Alive

(Sua)

Paul

Gender: Male

Age: N/A

Height: N/A

Hair color: N/A

Eye color: N/A

Previous Known Occupations: Tennis ball thrower

Likes: Philomena Cunk, Bugs, Creativity

Dislikes: Jesus, You

Talent: Perseverance

Abduction Notes: Outside of flat

Status: Alive

(Till)

Chiwetel Bacca 

Gender: Male

Age: 30s

Height: 191 cm

Hair Color: Black

Eye color: Brown

Likes: Nature, Passion

Dislikes: Disrespect

Talent: Flower-keeping

Abduction notes: In nearby forest

Status: Alive

(Ivan)

ZEB

Gender: N/A

Age: 30s

Height: 175 cm

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: 

Previous Known Occupations: Youtuber, Internet Personality

Likes: N/A

Dislikes: N/A

Talent: Human engagement

Status: Alive

Other Notes: Was given a special training class: Heart-rate variability.

(Luka)

Jinni Wreckon

Age: Late 30s

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Brown

Likes: Cupcakes

Dislikes: N/A

Talent: Vocal Impressions

Status: Unknown (Missing)

(Hyuna)

The following are other students selected to participate in ALIEN STAGE:

Emily Surname

Limmy

Doug Stanhope

The remaining students were [REDACTED].

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This is it. I can't believe they'd match me up against Philomena… She doesn't know what's going to happen. And I don’t either.

[ I don't have any words anymore ]

We haven’t seen each other in 3 years until, about a year ago. We just so happened to be captured in the same UFO. Of course, I’ve been here since 2020, and they never let me out. Philomena told me everyone thought I was dead, that I died from COVID. I could actually see that happening...

Philomena and I had been working together for around 8 years. We even lived together at some point. She knows more than most know about me, and the same for me for her.

[It has no meaning, even that blue night in the splendid lighting]

But tomorrow, one of us has to... God, I wish it weren’t this way. This has got to be some sort of sick joke. A bad dream. I might as well just call upon any fucking god at this point. I’d do anything for us to be together but… 

I’d do anything for Philomena to stay alive.

Chapter Text

[ Oh, my Clematis, Hope bloomed through the abyss. ]

[ Oh, my Clematis, Always be by my side. ]

During their time in Anakit Garden, Philomena and Barry were practically inseparable. During the vocal lessons and rehearsals, free time, anytime they were allowed to, they would be right next to each other.

Now, the two stand on a stage, singing their hearts out, as their fates are determined by some otherworldly creatures. At this moment, they’re both enamored by each other’s beauty. 

The two girls in dresses, singing to each other. They see nothing at this moment but each other.

Most would say they’re really close friends, maybe even romantic partners, but to each other, they were somehow even closer than that.

[ You bloomed from the huge black wall ]

[ The galactic stardust spread out in your eyes ]

Before they were on the same TV programme, Philomena and Barry barely knew each other. Well, they knew of each other’s existence. Barry started out as a stand-up comedian with his show at The Presence in the mid-2000s, Ten Things I Hate About Cripples, and headed his own, albeit very controversial, low-viewership programme, Sick on a Widow, which obviously got axed. 

Philomena became an online sensation after making some strong comments on Twitter, practically a micro-celebrity.

[ In the endless darkness I find you with your scent ]

Before Philomena was invited onto the programme, it was just Barry doing all of the talking head bits. Even after Philomena joined, they were both given the same script. Even by this point, they just passed by each other on the set, giving each other the same old “hi”s every so often. 

 Eventually they stopped giving them the same script around the second series of Weekly Wipe. But by that time, Philomena had risen to a higher level along with doing the talking head segments, mini-documentation. Barry didn’t mind, he even refused to do the documentaries due to “conflicts”. Yet he felt… something when he saw her from that point on. A bit of envy and jealousy but also… a bit of yearning. 

It wasn’t until Charlie Brooker invited them both out for a drink, along with some other staff after finishing the second series of Weekly Wipe they properly met. Though they both felt a bit emotionally distant toward each other in the beginning, they finally started warming up to each other in a span of a single night. They didn’t drink much that night as they spent most of it talking to each other. They felt weirdly comfortable with each other… and even Charlie noticed that. They exchanged numbers, planning to take each other out for a drink another time. 

That was in 2014.

[ Even if I fall asleep for infinity, don't leave my side. ]

[ Oh, my Clematis, Hope bloomed through the abyss. ]

[ Oh, my Clematis, Always be by my side. ]

“Do you believe in a god?”

“As humans, we have multitudes of gods and religions. Some decide to believe in just one god, others believe in multiple.”

“Things that are unexplainable by human standards are believed to be of the will of god.”

“Others believe that the universe revolves around Earth.”

“That the place that is unreachable through human attempts, deep in the universe, is where all the gods reside.”

“But when humanity leaves the universe, will god still exist?”

“If believing in a god is entirely human…”

“If all I can do is believe…”

Philomena looked at Barry.

“My god.”

“My universe.”

The scores tallied up for the two girls. It read:

87-86

Barry was shot in the neck. The blood splashed onto Philomena’s face. 

Barry fell dead onto the ground. Philomena fell onto her knees in disbelief. 

[ Oh, my Clematis, Hope bloomed through the abyss. ]

The aliens roared in excitement. Philomena stayed there, eyes wide with disbelief as she stared at her… her lover.

[ Oh, my Clematis, Always be by my side. ]

A security guard walked up to her and placed the security collar onto her neck, as another one dragged Barry’s lifeless body off the stage.

[ My Clematis. ]

Philomena Cunk

Status: Alive

Barry Shitpeas:

Status: Dead

Philomena Cunk advances to the next round.

Chapter Text

Paul and Limmy are rising up to the stage. Risen up the stage platform, Paul strums the first chord from his electric guitar, much to the annoyance of Limmy as Paul walks forward. 

[ Come on! ]

Paul continues playing, as he looks to the side and sees Philomena in her containment bubble, still currently devastated from Barry’s death.

[ The melody that filled the empty me ]

[ It's you, alright ]

Paul and Philomena had been friends since secondary school. She was his only friend for that entire period of time. As Philomena started gaining other friends and colleagues, Paul did too, but they still stayed very close friends.

Every single major accident that he’d have, his skin being scraped off or being jackknifed, she would be either one of the only people to witness it or the first person to find out about it. Every single conspiracy video he’d send her, she’d watch. 

[ My feelings are… ]

[ Error : no better options ]

They meant alot to each other, but maybe more for one person than the other…

[ A shaking paradigm ]

Upon being enrolled into Anakt Garden, Paul immediately felt a strong connection to the electric guitar. Practicing everyday… Learning how to write sheet music… The UFO having no access to weed, meth, or ketamine really helped with this. He was completely immersed. Writing music… and drawing Philomena Cunk.

[ I don't care if my world turns upside down ]

[ I wanna know all about you (ya) ]

During his time in Anakit Garden, every so often, he’d spot Philomena from afar, as she hung out with Barry. He’d feel a little twinge of envy… but it was overridden by admiration.

[ No more takin' it slow ]

[ The edelweiss of my feelings that blossomed because of you (You'll never know) ]

[ I don't wanna stop ]

Everything he did reminded him… of her.

[ Don't even think this time’s enough ]

[ Cause you baby still it's not enough (For me, alright?) ]

During the first round, he was watching. He was just as enamoured with Philomena as Barry was, but only one of them she saw eyes for.

[Don't leave me, li li da da da…]

[ Cause you baby still it's not enough ] 

[ How dare you think this time's enough ]

Absolutely devoured by emotions, he sang. This was his song that he wrote. And as such, Limmy couldn’t get a single word in.

[ Ain't nobody but you're the one that I'm feeling it's love ]

Limmy tries to get a single vocal in-

[ Don't be afraid (come on!) ]

Paul smashes his guitar.

At that moment, Philomena finally looked up to the screen in her bubble.

[ 'Cause I like it better… (Feel like I'm crazy, oh yeah yeah) ]

Some would call it cheating. To sing your own song, not allowing the other participant to get a single word in.

But to Paul, it was all fair game as long as the aliens were amused. He could get away with anything.

[ I can't refuse… ]

The screen flashed.

Paul WIN.

[ Overdose. ]

The guards restrain Paul, forcefully put back into his containment bubble next to Philomena, as she’s looking at him.

But unbeknownst to both of them, there was another participant’s eyes on Paul…

Paul

Status: Alive

Limmy

Status: Dead

Paul advances to the next round.

Chapter Text

Chiwetel Bacca and Doug Stanhope rise to the stage.

[ The soggy darkness crouched down ]

[ Even if we shake our heads, it's always the same place ]

Chiwetel is good friends with Philomena, even getting the opportunity to appear on television with her in 2019. Outside of that, it’s really nothing of notability.

[ I can’t reach you, so I imagine alone ]

[ You who shines, I stand next to you ]

During one of Philomena’s birthday get-togethers, Chiwetel met Paul. They got along well, and have kept in touch since.

To Paul, it’s nothing more than an acquaintanceship. But to Chiwetel… His feelings are more than that toward him.

[ So black, black as it can be ]

[ The dark sea gets deeper as you approach ]

They didn’t get to connect much until Anakt Garden. They’re both busy men after all. Chiwetel handling a flower shop and Paul catching tennis balls. Well, until he was fired.

[ Like a black, black sorrow ]

[ A story of such woe ]

[ At the end of this story, there is only a cold spot ]

[ stained with blood and empty air. ]

Chiwetel stopped singing to allow Doug some singing time. Then he continued.

[ Where your eyes reach ]

[ Where your fingertips brush ]

[ waiting for you endlessly ]

Outside of occasional texts, whenever Paul ended up in the A&E, he’d always get a few flowers. Specifically red chrysanthemum. Whenever Philomena had to get groceries for Paul, Chiwetel always helped her. 

In Anakt Garden, Chiwetel would regularly give Paul a flower crown with red chrysanthemum. Paul always liked those flower crowns, though he’d never admit it.

[ The red light inside the black darkness ]

[ Turning the hourglass ]

[ Spending a long time with you ]

Chiwetel was always closer to Paul than Paul knew he was. 

[ So black, black as it can be ]

[ The dark sea gets deeper as you approach ]

[ Like a black, black sorrow ]

[ A story of such woe ]

[ At the end of this story, there is only a cold spot stained with blood ]

Chiwetel always knew how to escape Anakt Garden, just like Jinni Wrekon, another friend of his.

[ Such black, black sorrow ]

[ To me you are… ]

But he never did. The thought of leaving Paul… He couldn’t leave without him.

[ To me, you are my Black sorrow ]

Wherever Paul went in Anakt Garden, save for his room, Chiwetel followed far behind.

[ You are my Black sorrow ]

And those red chrysanthemums? Paul never knew what they meant. But Chiwetel did. Those were his silent declaration of love to him.

[ You are my Black sorrow ]

The score reads 90:68. “CHIWETEL WIN”

In the green room, Zeb holds a finished Rubik's Cube.

Chiwetel Bacca

Status: Alive

Doug Stanhope

Status: Dead

Chiwetel Bacca advances to the next round.