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Chapter Text

Jaiden sought out Roier not long after she came back. The desire to share the thing that’s been eating her alive since she woke up in the Federation had only grown now that she had her best friend, her co-parent, back.

She was not expecting Roier to understand immediately.

”You’re fucking kidding me,” Roier whispered. He dropped his head in his hands. “Dios mios, Jaiden. I should have guessed. That makes so much sense.”

”You know?” Jaiden blinked. “The fuck? Roier, how do you know?”

”I’m the island therapist, Jaiden. I do… okay, I’m sorry. Please, tell me more.” Roier leaned forward on his hand, waiting for Jaiden to continue.

”You already know the Federation did experiments on avians?” Jaiden breathed out. “How do you know that? Who told you that?” Because no one else should know. No one else except those who were involved in it in the first place and the only ones that Jaiden could name was Cucurucho and 007.

”I can’t tell you that,” Roier said. “I would violate someone’s privacy and I don’t want that. But I do know that it happened. Do you want to tell me more or do you not want to talk anymore?”

Jaiden had to take a moment to process. He already knew. How was that fair? She tried to put all the pieces together for months, figure out what the hell her childhood was like, and he already knew.

”What do you know?” Jaiden asked.

”I can’t tell you that.”

Jaiden reeled back, her head turning. He already knew. How long has he known? Did he know she was a part of it? His shock seemed genuine. Maybe he actually didn’t. But he already knew. Somehow, he already knew.

”Roier, where did you put my jacket?” Baghera shouted from somewhere down the hall.

Blonde hair. Blue eyes. A tattoo on her collarbone. Scars up and down her body. Oh shit .

”It’s Baghera, isn’t it. That’s how you know,” Jaiden whispered. Roier paused and Jaiden knew she was right. “She lives here. You know because it’s Baghera. Baghera was a Federation experiment too.”

”Baghs?” Roier shouted. “I wouldn’t have any idea where you put it.”

”I just want to go for a walk!” Baghera whined, leaning against the door to the kitchen. “It’s nice out! The clouds are out! There’s flowers by the river!” She paused when she looked over at Jaiden and frowned. “What? What did I do? I swear I pick up this morning. Dishes were washed! The fuck you want?”

”007,” Jaiden tested. Baghera flinched.

”Fuck no,” Baghera whispered. “No. Fuck no. Fuck you. How do you know that?”

”So it is her,” Jaiden said, looking back over at Roier. He glanced away. “That’s how you know about the experiments. Because you talk to Baghera about it. Because she is one. She’s 007. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

”Because you’re one too,” Baghera said softly. “You’re a Fed experiment too. Holy shit.” Jaiden could see her demeanor crumbled away to something that looked absolutely destroyed. Like the news was the worst one she could imagine. And if Baghera was, if she reacted to the name 007, that means that she was 007. And that meant that Baghera had been her idol.

Jaiden was going to be sick. Cucurucho’s words turned in her stomach, because that meant that Baghera never stopped hurting .

”Who was your lead?” Baghera asked, before Jaiden could even ask her another question.

”Cucurucho. He-“

”That motherfucker!” Baghera snapped. She turned her attention to Roier. “He burned my book! That was him. That bitch burned my book. I know it was him. I know it was him because it was the other lead and he burned my fucking book and told me I was nothing.”

”That bitch,” Roier groaned. “Are you sure that it was him?”

”I know it. I know it was him,” Baghera insisted. “I’m gonna kill the mastermind. The fuck they wouldn’t tell me that? He burned my fucking book!”

”What do you mean he burned your book? Why would he burn your book?” Jaiden whispered. “What are you talking about?” The sense that something terribly wrong was happening in Baghera’s head only seemed to get worse.

”Because he was an asshole who wanted me to suffer,” Baghera snapped. “He burned my book because I wanted to be successful, that’s why. He burned my book so I would stay a failure and let them cut me open as much as they wanted without me realizing that I hadn’t done anything!” There were tears down her cheeks now and Jaiden was taken aback. Because finding out that she was an experiment had been horrific but Jaiden couldn’t recall a single thing that had been terrible. Upsetting and frustrating, sure, but Jaiden felt loved.

”Baghs,” Roier whispered softly. “Why don’t you go lay down for a while? See if they will talk to you.” He reached a hand for Jaiden’s and she couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea that it might have been horrible for Baghera. “I don’t think you’re in any state to go for a walk right now anymore.”

Jaiden took his hand and let her head fall in her arm. Now she got it. She understood the feeling of her entire life falling apart. She thought it was bad enough when Cucurucho confirmed that no, she wasn’t crazy. She had been a Federation experiment. But it was worse now.

How could he not tell her that it was Baghera that had been her best friend?

“Roier, he burned my book,” Baghera mourned with a cry. “That was my book! He burned my book!”

“Baghs, I know. I know he did. I think you should go lay down.”

“Why would he lie to me?” Jaiden asked softly. “Why wouldn’t he tell me that it was Baghera? Why would he lie?”

“Jaiden, I don’t know,” Roier replied. “I wish I did. I wish I had the answer. Probably to stop this from happening. Baghera, please. Go lay down. You look pale right now.”

That put everything into perspective now. Now that she put the two together, the picture got a whole lot bigger and a whole lot more horrific. That was Baghera. It was Baghera that Jaiden had wanted to be just like. It was Baghera that Jaiden had begged to see and it was Baghera that paved the way for Jaiden to be exactly how she was.

“He burned my book,” Baghera sobbed into her hands. Roier’s expression softened somewhat and he reached a hand out for Baghera’s.

“I know, nena. Let’s go lay down.” Baghera took his hand and he turned his attention back to Jaiden. “Stay here. Please. I want to talk to you about this. I want to hear everything. I’m just going to help Baghera go lay down first, okay?”

Baghera was 007. Jaiden had grown up with Baghera. That’s not fair. At all. Why would Cucurucho not tell her that? Was it only to make them hurt? But why? Why would Cucurucho want her to hurt? What had she done to deserve that? What had Baghera done?

When Roier came back down, he looked exhausted already. “It’s not you,” He started the conversation with. “I swear. It’s just… been months of this already. The Feds kinda suck.”

“You’ve known for months?” Jaiden asked.

“No, I’ve known about Baghera for months,” Roier corrected. “I knew that they experimented on her. I didn’t know that they experimented on you as well.”

Jaiden dropped her head in her hands and rested her elbows on the table. “007 is Baghera. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. That’s Baghera. The first two women on the island and she was my childhood best friend.”

“Are you one hundred percent sure it’s Baghera?” Roier asked. “Like one hundred percent sure. Because it’s a lot more fucked up if it is.”

“She would have scarring all up her arms,” Jaiden insisted. “A tattoo on her collarbone that would be too faded to read but it says 007. And there would be a scar around here on her stomach. I know that for sure. I know that one because I saw them do that to her. It’d be faded but I have the same one. It would have moved by now. It’s two decades old but I know exactly how she got it.”

“And how did she get it?” Roier said. The more Jaiden talked, the more concerned he looked.

“They cut her open. I watched them do it. They cut her open on this table to show me what they would do to me. They had this mirror but when you went in the next room, it was a window. That’s what I remember about it. I remember it was a mirror because when I got to see her, she wouldn’t stop staring at herself in it. And I felt awful because I just wanted to see her. I’ve remembered that my whole life. How she wouldn’t look at me and watched herself. How awful I felt.”

Roier was silent. “That’s not your fault. You know that, right?”

“I was six, Roier. It couldn’t have been my fault.”

“That’s a relief.” He tapped his fingers against the table. “It’s… do you want to talk about that? How that made you feel? What you thought it was?”

“I just… I had wanted to talk about my friend. I started to realize that they didn’t want me to be friends with her. They never called her my friend. It was always the subject or a thing. Always called her something. But not my friend. The longer I think about it, the more I realize I think we were supposed to hate each other.” 

“But you don’t. Because Baghera was your friend. She is your friend.”

“She is my friend!” Jaiden protested. “She is. She’s always been my friend! Why make me hate her?”

“I don’t know,” Roier shrugged. “I didn’t grow up in the Federation. I have no idea why they would do that. Why do you think they would do that?”

“I don’t know. I don’t understand them. I feel like I understand them a lot less.” Jaiden let her head fall in her arms. She wanted to scream. “It’s… they were never bad to me.”

“Jaiden, you just told me they made you watch them cut Baghera open. That sounds traumatic for a six year old. That’s like asking Pepito to watch them cut open Richarlyson.”

“That’s my point, Roier. It didn’t happen to me. All those awful things never happened to me. Not like that. I just wanted to see her. I remember that. And they dragged her out and she was screaming. They made me watch. I can’t forget that.”

“But you remember it?” Roier said it like Baghera doesn’t. Or she didn’t until recently.

“Like it was a dream,” Jaiden said. “Like it wasn’t real. I would wake up with my adopted parents screaming from that nightmare. It was a nightmare. I went to therapy. I got better. But now they aren’t nightmares. They are my childhood best friend. That’s my friend.”

“That’s a lot to process,” Roier agreed with a small nod. “Listen, I’m not going to tell you what you should do. You sound like you already know what you should do.”

“I know. I do,” Jaiden agreed. “But Cucurucho has been my friend.”

“He also lied to you.”

The confirmation felt like a getting dragged under the water.

“You can do whatever you feel is best,” Roier said. “Whatever you think that is. But you also should talk to Baghera. She’ll understand where you’re coming from.”

“She is not going to want to talk to me,” Jaiden whispered. “Not if it’s true. That is not the reaction of someone who experienced it the same way I did.”

“How did you experience it?” It’s a great question, really. Jaiden couldn’t really put it into words. There was this faint reminder of pain and hurt but there was also this understanding that it wasn’t on purpose. The thought of ‘it could be worse but we care’. That is not the reaction that Baghera gave. Baghera looked terrified.

“It was… not like that. It made sense. Like something had suddenly clicked in my childhood. I don’t know. It wasn’t… shocking. It didn’t… sound terrifying. I don’t think we experienced it the same way.”

“Jaiden, you won’t know unless you talk to her,” Roier pointed out softly. He ran his finger over the table over and over again. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe you didn’t think it was terrifying. Maybe you didn’t experience it the same way. But maybe you did. Maybe she knows something you don’t.”

She didn’t know what to think anymore. The idea that Cucurucho had been lying to her was shocking. Enough to uproot everything she had previously believed. But why? Roier said that Baghera might know but why? Why is it all different?

Why is this the thing to crush her?

Jaiden thought about it for a while, whatever she had wanted to tell Roier had died on her lips the moment the realization sunk in. Eventually, she conceded. She let the curiosity win. She stood up and made her way upstairs to Roier and Cellbit’s room. One that had become Baghera’s room too.

Baghera was awful. Curled up on her side and staring. For a moment, one that lasted too long, she stared right through Jaiden before a hand reached out for hers.

“You hate me.” Baghera had decided before they had even talked. Jaiden didn’t know what was worse.

“Of course not,” Jaiden whispered, taking her hand and sitting down next to her. Baghera hugged the pillow in her arms tighter. “I couldn’t hate you for something like that.”

“But you do. You have to,” Baghera grumbled. She looked tragic, eyes red with unshed tears. Her body shuttered and her lip quivered. Gods, they couldn’t have experienced it the same way. This had not been Jaiden’s reaction when she learned about it the first time. This was not Jaiden’s reaction now. Baghera looked terrified.

“Why would I have to hate you?” Jaiden asked. She turned to sit on the edge of the bed and cradled Baghera’s hand in her lap. She fidgeted with her fingers, tracing scars and burns that looked too new to be anything but from her time in Purgatory. “What part of any of this means that I would have to hate you?”

“You should,” Baghera sobbed, hiding her face in her pillow. “Everyone does eventually. They always do. It never takes long before they do.”

“Well, I don’t,” Jaiden promised. She traced a particular scar up her arm to her shoulder and Baghera flinched. There’s that feeling of guilt that curled up in Jaiden’s gut. She didn’t know. How could she have known? If she had known, she would have helped go save them. But everyone else had been saying the same thing. They all said that they would save them and no one did. Everyone else had the same guilt. “I don’t hate you and I never will. You’re my friend. Nothing will change that. You have lots of friends here.”

“I don’t,” Baghera cried softly. “Someone would have come. No one’s ever saved me.” Jaiden had no idea what that’s like. To never have anyone there. No one to save her. The Federation had been a shock but it hadn’t been terrible, right? Her parents had always done their best, even if they had no idea how to raise an avian. They had tried. Even on the island, she’s always had a friend in Cucurucho. That same person came to save her.

He did lie, that voice in her head supplied. He did lie to her about everyone else being dead.

“It feels strange,” Jaiden whispered. The realization felt crushing as she got closer and closer to arriving at the truth. It felt… intentional. Like the Federation had actually wanted this exact thing. They had wanted them to realize the truth so that they would suffer. It felt like a blow to the face. Baghera took it way harder, understandably so. Jaiden didn’t know a lot but she did know that her life was practically a nightmare right now. Jaiden just couldn’t fathom the idea that the Federation who had told her that they loved her would want to hurt her.

“It’s not.” Baghera rolled over onto her back, blinking the tears from her eyes. She looked miserable. Actually, Jaiden couldn’t recall a single moment from the past few weeks where Baghera hadn’t looked miserable. That just seemed to be a part of their lives by now. Like the world just wanted her to suffer and bleed over and over and over again with no escape. That survivors guilt threatened to make Jaiden ill. “Everyone… It’s not strange. Nothing has changed, Jaiden. It is all the same. Just the same as it was when we were kids.”

Jaiden hummed softly and gave Baghera’s hand a gentle squeeze. Nothing felt right. It just felt like her childhood all over again. Jaiden had wanted to be Baghera so badly. Why did it have to be so complicated? “I wanted to be you,” She whispered. Baghera choked on a cry and yanked her hand back from Jaiden, hiding her face in her hands.

“No. You don’t. You didn’t,” She sobbed. “It hurts to be me.”

That was not the comfort that Jaiden had been going for. “I wanted to be you,” She repeated softly, reaching for Baghera’s hand again. She could feel the tears in her throat and the desire to break down and cry. Nothing is fair. Has it ever been fair? Jaiden honestly didn’t know anymore. Baghera hurt more than Jaiden had after Purgatory. Baghera was tortured. Jaiden was saved. ‘007 hurts so that you don’t.’ “You were my… hero. My world. My idol. I wanted to be you because you were my world. I wanted to be you. You were my best friend. You were brave and strong and could do anything and I was never afraid when you were there.” Jaiden choked on her own cry and dropped Baghera’s hand, sobbing into her own. “I wasn’t scared because you were there. You were my idol. You were like my guardian angel. You went through everything first and you were brave and I wanted to be you. I wasn’t scared because you were there.” She remembered some of those moments so clearly now. How she would refuse to participate just so they would bring in 007 and feel safer. She knew that she could use that to her advantage because they wanted her to feel safe. They’d said that 007 had gotten in trouble and was no longer allowed to play with her anymore but if Jaiden had thrown a big enough fit, they’d bring her in to show her it was safe.

She can’t believe she never realized it was Baghera.

“I think they wanted me to see you as less than,” Jaiden continued in a whisper. She felt like if she spoke louder than she was now, it would shatter whatever scrap of a relationship they could save. “I think that they wanted me to see myself as better but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. You were my hero. I could never be better, never be braver, than you. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be just like you.”

“I wanted to be you !” Baghera wailed into her arm. “I wanted to be you so badly that it hurt and I never could! No matter how hard I worked, how much I tried, I would never get to be you. I would suffer and hurt and cry and it was never enough. I would scream and cry and beg until it made me sick and I was never enough. I was never good enough for them. Everyone loved you and they hated me and I was never enough. I never gave enough for them to like me. I gave them everything that I had, even things that I didn’t, and it still wasn’t enough for them. I wanted to be you. I wanted to be loved like you are. I have nothing left to give anymore and I would still give it just to hear someone say that they loved me.”

It was a desperate cry. It made Jaiden sick to her stomach. Nothing has changed, the veil was just being lifted. Jaiden was still the Federation’s favorite. She could get away with anything and still be loved by them. Baghera still had that empty pit in her chest that longed for something to fill the void. Something that Jaiden could so obviously see was eating her friend alive. The veil is lifted. It’s gone. She can see how desperate Baghera was. How she would do anything to get the affection that Jaiden received.

“They would cut me open over and over and over again,” Baghera cried into her arm. Jaiden wanted to reach over to comfort her but she had no idea how to do it. Had no idea what she could do to help. “Over and over and over again and I was always screaming for them to stop. No pain medication to dull it and no hopes that anyone would ever make it stop. No hopes that it would ever stop hurting. You didn’t want that! You don’t want that. No one wants that but I had to do it because I wasn’t you!”

Oh. Jaiden hadn’t known that part. Had no idea that Baghera had never been given pain medication. For all the things Jaiden had refused to do just to see her. “I remember… refusing to cooperate. Just so I could… I just wanted to see you.” The nausea started to take over and Jaiden had hidden her face further in her hands. She had actively encouraged that behavior from the Federation. She had done that. She didn’t know. Of course she didn’t. She had been a child. Guilt doesn’t listen to reason though. “I knew that they would bring you in. So that I would know it was… I had just wanted to see you. They promised me over and over again that… They repeated that you did that for… Shit. Baghera. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

No medication. No sedation. Jaiden can’t wrap her mind around that. No wonder she had always been so surprised when it was her turn for a procedure and she hadn’t panicked like 007. Like Baghera had. That quiet voice in her head that she had always tried to hide had always whispered that maybe 007 was just being over dramatic. Cucurucho would always brush her hair back when Jaiden was curled up in her own bed recovering and whisper that ‘007 had a thing for the dramatics. It’s always just been a crybaby who wants to cause more problems for the rest of us. We would never intentionally hurt it, you know that. We would never want to make it hurt on purpose. The same way we would never try to hurt you.’ That had also been a lie. Jaiden remembered the hours of listening to Baghera scream and cry and beg in a language she wasn’t allowed to understand because they were torturing her. For Jaiden’s sake.

How did she not put the pieces together before? Why does she have to be putting the pieces together now? Couldn’t she put them together another time?

”You didn’t know,” Baghera sniffled. She reached for the pillow before abandoning it in favor of the spare blanket on the bed. She pulled it closer to herself and hid her face in it. “I just… I wanted to be you. You didn’t hurt like I did. Everyone loved you. But you don’t want to be me. You’d kill yourself if you were. I wish I was. I wish Cellbit killed me when the Watcher told him too. You don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be me. I just wanted… I wanted to be you so bad and I never was. You don’t know the things I would do just for someone to tell me that they loved me. The things I have done and no one ever does. No one loves me. I would do anything, I would give anything, just for someone to tell me that I was good and that they love me and no one does.”

”Pomme does. I do,” Jaiden whispered. She went to hold Baghera’s hand again but Baghera flinched away. Flinched. Because she’d been hurt. Hurt before and hurt again recently and Jaiden didn’t know what to do with that.

”Pomme had too! She has too. If she knew any better, she’d be horrified. She’d be disgusted. She’d hate me and I’m selfish so she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know I would give anything just to be called a good girl. I’m so selfish and she doesn’t know,” Baghera sobbed. Jaiden wasn’t tortured. She hadn’t been meticulously taken apart piece by piece until there was nothing left. Hadn’t been thrown into a cell and chained by a collar around her neck and called a dog. Baghera still hung onto that collar. Jaiden had seen it sitting in the pocket of her backpack to be grabbed when they went out together. Jaiden was willing to bet that she would offer it up to the first person who showed her the slightest bit of affection.

”I do,” Jaiden replied softly. She wasn’t tortured. She was saved and kept safe. “I love you.” She wasn’t tortured. She doesn’t know what the thoughts in Baghera’s head were. Because people do show her affection. Jaiden can’t figure out what kind of affection Baghera can’t find that she needs.

Jaiden shouldn’t be responsible for that. It felt like Baghera didn’t want her to be any closer to her. Their relationship is jeopardized. It’s been ruined. The Federation ruined it. Cucurucho ruined it.

”You don’t,” Baghera whispered back. “You only say that now because I told you that no one does. You feel bad. That’s all. That’s all anyone does anymore.”

”But you were my hero,” Jaiden continued. “You were my whole world. I wanted to be you so badly because you meant the world to me. I don’t believe that I could fake that just to get you to feel better. I don’t think I could even begin to do that. They had wanted me to dehumanize you. Called you a ‘thing’, ‘the subject’. ‘For my benefit’. They wanted me to think of you as something that was for me. Like a toy. A toy for my benefit that I could use how I wanted. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I never had any awful memories of you. Never any desire to make you hurt. That’s why they stopped us from seeing each other, isn’t it? You were my best friend. You were my world. I loved you without knowing what the word for it was. I wasn’t afraid when I was with you. I was brave because you were.” 

Baghera was pushing her away, Jaiden realized. The reminder of the Federation was hard enough for her and the realization was forcing Jaiden’s own world to fall down around her. The same way that she would when they were kids. Kept Jaiden safe by taking all the blame onto herself so that Jaiden wouldn’t be punished for it too. No matter how many times Jaiden had sworn it was her idea in the first place. She was dragged to watch them hold down a screaming 007 more than enough times. Forced to watch them fit her with needles and drugs until her friend was spasming and crying. Jaiden didn’t know her language but she knew that she had been begging for forgiveness.

It’s hard to know what love is if she hadn’t been offered it for most of her life. If all her attachments growing up were insecure and meant to hurt her. There is no instant cure for that. There might not be one at all.

Fuck. Jaiden’s head was spinning. Her chest was burning. Maybe it was traumatic. Maybe this is why Cucurucho lied to her. Maybe Jaiden couldn’t look back at it with a certain fondness when all she could see is those horrifying moments that went along with it.

They all needed therapy. No one was getting better. They were just getting worse. Jaiden can’t stay here. She can’t breathe. Something is wrong. She’s dying. She can’t mourn with Baghera when she’s mourning Baghera. When she’s mourning herself. Mourning that childhood that she had thought she had and struggling to grasp the one that she had been given. She moved before she realized it. She left. She tried to ignore the broken wail Baghera let out at the abandonment but Jaiden can’t stay here. She can’t stay and continue to feel worse and worse and worse. For Baghera. For herself. For the childhood she thought she had. For the trauma that she experienced by getting dragged around as the favorite and being told that everything they did to their least favorite was all for her. For watching her best friend scream and cry and beg for the pain to stop and never knowing that it was on purpose. For being told that it was all for her. That Baghera meant nothing to them. That she should mean nothing to her.

She abandoned Baghera. Baghera might not get over that. She might never recover from it. Jaiden might never recover either.

”Cellbit,” Jaiden snapped. She felt restrained. She can’t breathe. Her head hurt. Something screamed in her to get away. She needed to escape. Cellbit flinched at the tone. He flinched too. Jaiden can’t be bothered to deal with this. He reluctantly looked over at her from the book he had been reading. “Tell your sister that you love her.”

”What?” Cellbit blinked. His voice barely above a whisper.

”Tell Baghera that you love her because she just told me that there is no one that does,” Jaiden snapped. Wiped the tears from her cheeks. She can feel her life crumbling down around her. “I can’t stay. I can’t do it. I’m going to scream.”

”I can’t.” Cellbit dropped his head in his hands. “I can’t do that.

”The hell do you mean that you can’t do that?” Jaiden snapped. “You can’t tell her that you love her? The fuck does that mean, Cellbit? She’s your sister. You’ve repeatedly said that she’s your sister. The least you can do is tell her that you love her.”

”I mean I can’t fucking do that, Jaiden. I don’t know what the fuck that is, okay? I don’t have any idea what love is anymore. Does that solve your little accusation?” Cellbit growled.

The silence was too loud.

”I can’t fucking deal with you today,” Jaiden spit out. She turned on her heel and slammed the door behind her. He can’t be serious. He actually can’t be serious. She hadn’t been back for that long but he really would say that? To her? About this? After everything they’d done? After all this and he had the nerve to say that? The hell does it even mean?

Jaiden didn’t know where she was going. Just that she was going out. She couldn’t stand to be around Cellbit after that. She can’t deal with the burning in her chest and the quiet whisper that said her life was a complete lie. She grew up living a lie. She hadn’t expected her childhood to have been perfect. She’d been adopted. Certainly something had happened that made adoption an option but to be an experiment? To have been experimented on? For her friend to have been experimented on far worse? It was all a lie. 

Usually, she’d run to Roier. To Cucurucho. She couldn’t fathom talking to any of them right now though. She can hear Roier shouting in the house she’d just escaped from. She can hear Cellbit shouting back. She can’t speak to Baghera. She can’t even begin to imagine being around her at all right now.

Jaiden wasn’t sure where she was going. Just that she was going somewhere far from here.

Chapter Text

“The fuck was that about?” Roier asked, leaning into the door frame to the living room. Cellbit had his head buried in his hands. He shrugged and breathed out.

Because Roier did not hear what he just heard. He has not been spending months trying to make this work and throwing their entire lives into a washing machine and setting it on the most aggressive spin cycle there is just for Cellbit, his husband , to treat it like it was nothing.

”I don’t know,” Cellbit replied. “I don’t know what you’re talking about right now.”

”The hell do you mean you don’t know,” Roier snapped.

“I mean I don’t fucking know,” Cellbit shot back. “What the fuck has you pissed off? The hell did I do to you now too?”

”What did you do to me?” Roier can’t help it. He tried. He really tried. He knew that Cellbit had been trying to get things back to normal. Cellbit is trying. But Roier’s been trying to. And to hear that love is practically dead just means that they’ve poured months into this over a fucking lie. That Cellbit had meant it when he didn’t come back from Purgatory. He truly doesn’t need Roier around. “Are you fucking serious? Gatinho, wake up. What did you do to me? You did everything to me.”

”No, I don’t know what I did to you.” Cellbit was shouting now too. “You could tell me instead of being fucking cryptic about it.”

”You’re a detective. Figure it out,” Roier scoffed. “Fucking hell, Cellbo. You can’t be serious.”

Baghera raced down the stairs and out the front door before Roier could even shout for her. Fuck it. Fuck this. It’s been months of the same shit. He’d poured months into this and has torn his life apart and Roier is tired of it all.

”I’ll apologize to Jaiden,” Cellbit said. He was staring at the door Baghera had run out of like he was considering taking off as well. Roier can’t anymore. It’s been months of the same shit. He dealt with so many of their issues, tried to fix everything. Piece together this puzzle of a mess his husband left behind, the cryptic clues of what happened to him in Purgatory that was turning him into a massive bitch to everyone except for the kids and Baghera.

”It’s not about Jaiden!” Roier snapped. “Of course you’ll fucking apologize to her but it’s not about Jaiden! You really just don’t give a shit, do you? You don’t give a shit at all. You’re perfectly fine with being the world’s biggest dick.”

“I’m sorry that I can’t apologize for a fucking problem I know nothing about,” Cellbit shouted. It’s the fact that he doesn’t know. He has no idea. It shouldn’t piss Roier off as much it did but he’s been running off of spite and anger and just a general desire to get back to normal but it’s not happening. And Cellbit can’t give a shit about it either.

”That’s the fucking problem, isn’t it?” Roier said. “You don’t know anything about it. You don’t know anything about it at all! That’s the fucking problem. You don’t give a shit. I’m sick of you not doing anything! You haven’t changed at all.” There’s something in Cellbit’s face that Roier’s gut told him to stop. That somewhere deep down, he knew this wasn’t the right choice to make. Maybe he shouldn’t be fighting while he’s this angry in the first place.

Roier, however, found that he didn’t care. Not right now anyway. He’s been tiptoeing around emotions and feelings and anger for nearly a year by now. He’s done with it.

”Then tell me what the hell you want from me,” Cellbit growled. It was supposed to scare him. It’s meant to scare him. Cellbit’s never scared him before in his life. Cellbit’s attention was split between the door Baghera disappeared through and Roier and the less logical part of his brain, the emotional part, flipped it’s shit at the stab in the heart that was the fact that Baghera seemed more important to him right now than his own husband.

”You don’t give a shit about me. You don’t give a shit about anyone. You just want to fuck off after Baghera and I’m fucking sick of it. You haven’t done anything but make things worse. Dios mios, Cellbit, you’re so very good at doing more harm than good, aren’t you? Can’t even fucking give a shit when I’m pissed off.”

Cellbit’s face dropped. Roier should give a shit. He can’t. He wasted all the shits he had earlier on trying to help Jaiden and keeping Sept at bay while they had a guest over and soothing Baghera and passing Pepito off to Rivers and trying to ignore the tears Pepito cried because he hasn’t moved houses in two weeks by now and just wanted to go home. That he spent hours last night trying to get Richarlyson to sleep while Richarlyson cried, insisting that he can take care of Pepito, it’s fine, and trying to convince him that it’s fine. Cellbit was already awake. He can take care of Pepito and Richarlyson can sleep, but Richarlyson can’t. He doesn’t want to. He wanted to make sure that Pepito was fine. Every ounce of care he had was gone, wasted over the past sixteen hours, and Roier can’t even bother to remember the last time either of them have actually slept.

”Okay,” Cellbit said. He fiddled with his fingers. The book long forgotten by now.

”Okay, that’s it? That’s all I get. An okay?”

”You clearly don’t want an apology. You don’t want me to tell you that I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck you want from me. You can have anything. You know I’ll give you anything. So, okay. Tell me what-”

That’s not fair. It’s not. That even now, Roier still had to fight this. “I don’t want anything. Dios, Cellbit. Just stop.” Cellbit’s mouth snapped shut. Roier can’t care. He’s burnt out. He spent so long pretending that he wasn’t that he can’t. “If you clearly can’t find it in you to figure out what the fuck love is, then just get out.”

”Roier-“

”Get out. You know what I want? Get out.”

It wasn’t until the door slammed shut did Roier realize that he wanted a fight. He wanted Cellbit to fight him back. Wanted to feel like there was still something to fight for. It’s not just weeks of this. It’s months. It’s been almost a year. A year of Roier tearing his hair out and trying to be supportive and uplifting and to care. To manage the emotions of everyone under the house and ensure that people are sleeping and that his traumatized sons get the attention and love they deserve and that they are sleeping and that his traumatized husband and his sister is sleeping and-

Cellbit hasn’t slept. In days. Right. Fuck. Cellbit hasn’t slept.

Suddenly Roier felt like an asshole.

Maybe he hasn’t slept either. When did he last sleep? Roier honestly can’t remember. He had a nap yesterday for sure but he didn’t sleep at all last night. Because Richarlyson hardly slept and every time he did, he shot up panting and shaking and crying because he swore something happened to someone. Sometimes it was Pepito. Sometimes it was Cellbit. Others it was Empanada or Roier or himself. Twice he woke up crying for Bobby and once it was for Pac. The night before, Cellbit broke down over something and Baghera folded like a house of cards. He couldn’t get Cellbit to tell him what was wrong and he couldn’t get Baghera to respond at all. Not Sept though. Someone else. The night before that? Roier honestly can’t get his brain to move back that far.

And honestly, he felt like an asshole now. Because maybe he’d been just as frustrating to Cellbit as Cellbit’s been to him. It’s been a long fucking year and Roier couldn’t help but feel like they were right back where they started.

He sat down on the couch where Cellbit had last been with something between a sigh and a cry and let his head drop in his hands. He felt like crying. Why did he feel like crying? Gods, why did he feel like such as asshole? Why did he say any of that? He knew better. He knew what the right course of action should have been. He should have done literally anything else but this. Why did he do this?

Why is love so complicated? When was the last time he’d been told ‘I love you?’ When was the last time he told someone that? The last date he had? Roier honestly can’t remember when that was. He found he couldn’t remember a lot of things. And that pissed him off more than anything else.

What was he thinking? Getting pissed at Cellbit for that? He knew Cellbit loved him. He wouldn’t trust him with a quarter of what he does if he didn’t. Cellbit wouldn’t even tell Baghera that he loved her. Flinched when Jaiden prompted him. The words had never even left his mouth around her. Roier can’t expect things to go back to normal.

It didn’t stop the boiling pit of rage that flooded his system every time he thought about it. Maybe he did need some sleep.

Roier whispered to FoolishGamers: Can I come over?

FoolishGamers whispered to Roier: Sure! At Fobo.

Roier can’t sleep at his own house. In his own bed or his own couch because they still smelled like Cellbit. And Roier missed him as much as he loved him and that was as much as he didn’t want to see him right now.

He made quick work of disappearing to Fobo. The quicker he got away, the quicker he can clear his head. The faster he doesn’t have to think about how much he fucked that up. Or how much he really doesn’t care right now. Because he really didn’t care and he really should. He missed Cellbit like he hated him right now.

It was Leo who saw him first. “You look like shit,” She scoffed, brushing long hair over her shoulder and kicking up her skateboard. They turned to make some other comment, perhaps a dig at how awful he looked, but they stopped. Right. Roier probably would say something back. Something about Leo looking like shit or something but at this point, the fact that he can’t stay awake has gotten him.

“Hang on,” Leo frowned, turning on his heel and running down the hill, abandoning their skateboard back with Roier. “Gonna go get Pa.” 

Roier doesn’t care. He should. He should care a lot more than he does.

He found himself inside. He can’t remember how he got there but Leo was fidgeting in the corner like she wanted to help and run at the same time. Foolish asked one question in the normal, stupid tone he does and Roier broke down in tears. Why is he crying? He felt numb. He can’t remember the last time he didn’t feel numb.

“Maybe you should try sleeping,” Foolish said after a moment. Roier honestly had no idea what he had even said but he hoped it wasn’t everything because that would be awful of him. A terrible friend and an even worse person. “Sounds like that could probably fix your issue here.”

Right. Sleep. Roier really wanted to sleep. Maybe he could stop feeling so numb in his chest and give a shit that he yelled at his equally sleep deprived, traumatized husband. Maybe he could stop feeling like an asshole for it too. Both at once. Not a fun combo.

Next thing Roier remember, he was rolling awake on Foolish’s bed four hours later. At least he’d slept. He heard Leo giggling about something outside, Foolish’s quick witted comment and Tina laughing somewhere just beyond that. Fuck, Roier just felt stupid.

He thought they had been doing better. For a while, it felt like they were doing better. They’d finally gotten some sort of grasp on Sept, some sort of understanding. Baghera finally felt confident enough to try to stake her claim on her own room. Spent at least three nights by herself. That was something! They had done something! Cellbit was more involved with the kids. He spent more time with them. He talked to more people. He got more social. Where the hell did they go wrong? What happened? Elena had acted like a set back but between Phil and Bagi, and the willingness to help from people who had never even met Sept before, had set them back on track just as fast. Baghera had panicked, Cellbit by association, but they were fine!

Right?

Clearly not. Roier rubbed at his eyes and rolled over, staring at the wall. The numb feeling persisted. It felt like a seed buried too deep and roots digging even further. He couldn’t tug it out. Burnt out. When had he ever been burnt out before? He can’t recall a specific time. Depressed, sure. Cellbit never came back from Purgatory. Bobby had died. He’d lost his best friend. But burnt out? When had he ever recoiled from helping someone? If this whole thing was going to turn him off to it, why didn’t it just do that in the first place? Why do it now when he felt like he couldn’t say no anymore. Did he even want to say no?

It’s been four hours. Roier felt like an asshole for shouting at Cellbit at least. Had seen the way he’d reacted. The strong resistance to the flinch. Tried so hard to not give away the fact that he was clearly terrified. Roier should apologize for that. Apologize for whatever he said because that was clearly not what he’d meant to say. He couldn’t even remember what it was but it clearly had some sort of effect if it made his husband act like that.

He should probably get up first. Roier did not want to do that.

JaidenAnimations whispered to Roier: Sorry for just storming out and shouting at Cellbit. It’s just been a lot to process.

Roier whispered to JaidenAnimations: It’s fine. Long day.

JaidenAnimations whispered to Roier: For sure! Is Baghera and Cellbit okay? Baghera was a wreck when I left her.

Roier whispered to JaidenAnimations: I don’t know. I haven’t seen her and I got in a fight with Cellbit.

JaidenAnimations whispered to Roier: Oof. I could kill him for you if you want.

Roier whispered to JaidenAnimations: No. It’s okay. I’ll talk to him later. Half of it is probably my fault anyway.

JaidenAnimations whispered to Roier: Okay. I’ll see you tonight.

It was the curiosity of whatever was making Leo so happy and that sibling urge to bother her that eventually dragged Roier out of bed. He checked his messages just to make sure that he didn’t miss anything from Cellbit. He should probably make sure that Cellbit was fine and ask to talk but seeing the fact that Roier was simply exhausted, he figured he could put that off till later.

Leo had a rabbit. Roier didn’t know how either of them had caught it, part of him was too afraid to ask, and Leo had it bundled up in their arms that was almost definitely too tight but the rabbit seemed alive. For now. “Can I see it?”

”No!” Leo shrieked, pulling away and stepping closer to Foolish. “You’ll let him go!”

”I will not!” Roier said. He almost definitely would. Probably in the house at least so that it couldn’t actually get away but would be an inconvenience enough.

”Yes, you will! Pa!” Leo shrieked. Foolish set an arm somewhat in front of her to at least pretend like Roier couldn’t get to her. Roier had done that plenty of times for his own kids. Teased them one way or another.

”You look better!” Foolish grinned. Roier hummed. He felt a little better. Sleep at least meant he didn’t feel like he was running on empty anymore. “Leo, Sunny’s back with Tubbo. Go show her your rabbit.” Leo took off, cradling that poor animal that looked frightened in his arms. Leo wouldn’t hurt the thing. Roier knew that. His sibling loved animals. Doesn’t change the fact that the rabbit looked terrified.

Funny, kinda like Cellbit. Now that he thought about it, it was a lot alike. Why did psychology have to be so complicated.

”I’m fine,” Roier said. He shoved his hands in his hoodie pocket and fidgeted with his communicator. No messages yet. 

“Yeah, okay,” Foolish agreed. He turned back to the horses he’d been working on for the gods know how long. “I mean, if you think you are. I mean, I’m shit with advice so probably couldn’t give you anything that would mean much. But if you needed anything, you could-“

”I don’t need anything,” Roier shrugged. Pulled his headband out of his pocket and retied it. “I mean, I’m fine.” It’s such a small circle of people that actually knew. The list of people that did know was hard enough. Roier can’t try to expand that with no confirmation from the others.

”Okay,” Foolish shrugged. “Leo wants a sleepover with Pepito sometime and I thought it’d be fun to have Richas over. They could stay for a few days if you’d be okay with that. An, uh, like, an abuelo party or something like that. I don’t fuckin’ know. It’s been a while since they’ve been around and you’d have time to do other shit.”

”They would love that,” Roier agreed. He can’t say that it would help much because he knew that it wouldn’t. A lot of the issues they have been having don’t even stem from them having the kids in the first place. But maybe if they didn’t have to worry about planning the kid’s lives out for a while, it could help.

”Okay, great!” Foolish grinned. “Yeah, I miss having them around. You’re really doing me a favor.”

”I’m sure you’ll regret that in a few days,” Roier chuckled. “But yeah. They’ll enjoy that. Pepito has been asking for a sleepover for a while.”

”Good!” Foolish said. “You feeling better at all?”

”Some,” Roier agreed. “I got in a fight with Cellbit.”

”Mmm, not good. Just needed to cool off?”

”Yeah.” Roier laced his fingers together in his hoodie pocket and squeezed them tightly. “It’s been a… year. You know? I should probably find him.”

”Pretty sure your marriage has survived worse than a little fight,” Foolish chuckled softly. “I’m sure you’ll be just fine.”

They have made it this far. That’s a good point. They made it this far and they’ve survived every past one of these life changing events before. Roier doesn’t hate Cellbit. Cellbit doesn’t hate Roier. He wouldn’t trust him with any of the things that he does. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t let Roier anywhere near Baghera. It’s no secret that whatever is going on in his head is extremely protective. Hostile.

”I think he’s hiding something from me,” Roier noted. He crouched down briefly to look at the horses in the pit and whatever work his dad was doing with them.

”Maybe you gotta just pry it out of him,” Foolish shrugged. He broke out in a grin again. “Like I said, shit advice. Take it or leave it. Doesn’t matter to me. Usually what I do with Bad if he won’t talk to me.”

”You two hate each other,” Roier noted. Foolish nodded quickly.

”Loathe each other. I hope he fucking dies in, like, a fucking creek or something. No, I hope he fucking drowns in, like, a glass of water, yeah. Fuck him. He’s so annoying.”

”Let me know how that works,” Roier smiled. “I should probably find Cellbo.”

”Let him know about the sleepover!”

”I will.” Roier rose to his feet and waved goodbye to his very distracted father. Something to do with horses and maybe an army? Leo was nowhere in sight, although he could hear his voice somewhere in the distance. Sunny chirped out something and Roier didn’t want to sacrifice his sibling’s budding friendship for banter. He pulled out his communicator again but nothing from Cellbit. It stung.

Roier did tell him to get out.

Roier whispered to Cellbit: Can we talk? Where are you?

No reply. Not abnormal. Knowing him, he probably threw himself headfirst into some sort of investigation to not have to think about it. Roier can always track him down later. A message from Pierre needed to be opened and when he finally did, it was only Pierre letting him know that Baghera wanted to let him know where she was. Left her comm behind by accident. She was fine. Although if Pierre’s concern was shown through the message, Roier wouldn’t tell anyone.

Strange for Baghera to run there. They are still fighting. Then again, she grew up with them. Maybe that just felt like home. Same way showing up at Foolish’s felt natural. Roier really needed to stop trying to micromanage everyone’s lives right now. Look where it landed him.

Roier whispered to JaidenAnimations: Where are you at?

JaidenAnimations whispered to Roier: Museum. Wanna join me?

Roier whispered to JaidenAnimations: Okay. I’ll be there soon.

When he arrived at the museum, Jaiden was hanging around the front. When she noticed him, she frowned. “Do you want to talk about it?”

”Nah,” Roier shrugged. “Just tired of it all. Are you okay?”

”Fine,” Jaiden shrugged. She averted her eyes and glanced into the building. “Just… angry. At… Someone, I think. I don’t fuckin’ know. And upset and, like… really just fuckin’ pissed off right now. That he’d lie to me. And that kinda fucked me up.” She looked like she’d say more, and Roier wanted to hear more at the same time he’d rather stab his ears out, and shut up. “I don’t wanna talk about it right now though. Honestly, I’m kinda looking for something else to talk about.”

”Have you talked to Bagi?” Roier asked. Jaiden shrugged again and wrapped her arms around herself.

”Em told me, actually. Bagi told me, like, two days after that. Em was sweet about it. I think she felt bad. She said she doesn’t want to replace…” Jaiden gripped at her shirt. “And something about Cellbit already not liking her, although I don’t know where that one came from.”

”I don’t think Cellbit likes really anyone right now,” Roier joked softly. Jaiden broke a smile.

”I don’t know. I never wanted another kid. I think she knew that. We’re just gonna be friends right now.” Jaiden pulled at her shirt, wrinkling the fabric in her hands, and Roier can sense the desire to escape. Just like how he wanted to escape too. He was so sick of this island trying to tear them apart at every chance it got. He just wanted things to stabilize again.

”I’m sure you’ll be good friends,” Roier agreed. Because even if it wasn’t Bobby, and it would never help fill the void that Bobby left, Jaiden had always been a great Tia. “Have you been in the museum?”

”Yeah,” Jaiden said. She smiled, tight and fragile, but a smile, and let go of her shirt. “Pretty cool art. They switch it out every… two weeks? Pretty fun. Thought about taking Richas sometime when they switch it. Get some inspiration for his own art, right?

”Yeah, he’d love that,” Roier agreed. His comm hadn’t buzzed yet. It shouldn’t be concerning. This happened all the time. Roier can’t help the uneasy feeling in his gut though. “You gonna go somewhere?”

”Out, I guess. I don’t know. I’m not worried about just walking around, I guess. Haven’t had any problems with the bunnies and haven’t seen Cucurucho at all. Kinda… Not really mad about that. I don’t think I’d want to talk to him right now. I guess I can go anywhere I want,” Jaiden glanced over at the spawn building. The shops. “Might head over there and check it out. I think I saw Fit.”

”Ah, yeah. Probably with Pac.”

”Right. Because Tubbo is homophobic now, right?”

”Something like that.”

”Have you heard from Baghera?” Jaiden asked softly. She tugged at a faded blue strand of hair, the brown roots showing through. “She’s fine, right? Because she looked pretty messed up when I left her.”

”She’s at Pierre’s,” Roier explained. Back to managing all over again. “She’s fine, as far as I know. But she’s been pretty messed up for a while, Jaiden. That had nothing to do with you.”

”I know. It’s not my fault,” Jaiden promised. She turned back to the building. “It can’t be. I wasn’t there. I didn’t know anything. I don’t know what happened. It’s not my fault.”

”Then why are you so upset by it?” Roier asked.

”Because… survivor’s guilt, I don’t know. It didn’t happen to me. It didn’t fuck me up and that fucks me up. I don’t know, Roier. I just wanted to make sure she was fine. Or that she’ll be fine. I don’t know what’s really happening anymore.”

”I’ve been here the whole time and I have no idea what’s happening either,” Roier chuckled. “But I should probably look for Cellbit. I feel like an asshole for yelling at him.”

”He probably deserved it,” Jaiden smiled. And Roier couldn’t help his smile that followed.

”Yeah, probably. I still feel like shit though. I shouldn’t have yelled at him. I always have that chance of triggering him and that we want to avoid.”

”Yeah, I forgot about that.” Jaiden let go of her hair and pushed away from the wall. “Well, you can join me in the building if you want. Do a little window shopping and gossip. Or I’ll see you later?”

”I should see you later,” Roier agreed. “Before I feel too bad and I’ll never apologize.”

”We’ll gossip over drinks another time then,” Jaiden smiled. She reached for a hug that Roier was more than happy to take. “And I’ll apologize to him next time I see him. Probably shouldn’t have yelled at him either.”

”Eh, he probably deserved it,” Roier shrugged. Hugged her once more before pulling away again. “I’m sure he went home. Probably cooled off and will want to talk. We’ll gossip tomorrow.”

”My favorite,” Jaiden laughed. “Update me on Baghera when you see her again.” She stepped away and waved, heading up towards the building.

”I will.” And Roier’s feet carried him the other way, back towards home. That’s home. Where he should be. And where he needed to learn how to live again.

Chapter Text

Baghera didn’t know where she was going until she ended up on the doorstep of her destination. Honestly, it was a bad idea to go running without a specific idea of where she was going. Baghera didn’t care. She wasn’t ever good at making safe choices. Always threw herself in head first into all sorts of dangerous things. She wasn’t good at making sure that she wouldn’t be hurting herself further. It was the reason she went solo most of her life. She’d throw herself in the deep end and wait until someone wanted her back.

She knew why. She would do anything for someone to tell her that she was good. That they loved her. She’s known this her whole life. From the first time she was running errands for a dangerous guy who’d gotten a soft spot for her and he called her a good girl for bringing it in. She was twelve and went running back to Etoiles a year later when he managed to track her down and complained that he needed someone to run with him for a while for a mission he was running. When he was eleven and she was thirteen and Pierre hadn’t been able to break away from his own work to help him. She ran with Etoiles for two years after that before they met up with Pierre again.

No one had bothered to call her good after that. It sat as an empty pit and ate her alive until she ended up in Purgatory and Phil spent time being patient with her and the nickname of ‘the favorite child of the father’ had become her own. It was a funny nickname. It had always been obvious that Cellbit was his favorite. Cellbit was easily everyone’s favorite. Everyone liked Cellbit, no matter how many times he denied it. Even the Watcher preferred him over her and he was the last person who had called her good and even then he tried to kill her.

Maybe she should have let him kill her. Maybe everyone would just be happier. Maybe that’s how she ended up at Pierre’s door. Maybe she wanted him to reject her and push her over the edge until the mastermind had no choice but to let her succeed.

”Hello-?” Pierre asked, opening the door to her. He was wiping the grease on his hands off with a towel but he paused when he saw the mess Baghera had become. Because she was a mess. Gods, she’s such a fucking mess. No wonder everyone hated her. Everyone always did. They always do eventually. It was going to happen again. It always does. “What happened?”

“Can I stay here?” Baghera sobbed, hiding her embarrassment in her hands. Maybe if she looked pathetic enough, he’d take pity on her. Sept is crying somewhere inside, close enough for Baghera to hear her begging for someone to come hold her. But no one is there to comfort her. No one is there to hold her because everyone fucking hated Baghera. Always did.

Pierre stepped away from the door and Baghera stumbled inside with a cry. The door shut behind her and she sobbed. She’s going to be kicked out. No one’s going to want her around. They only ever just feel bad for her. They don’t actually care about her. She knew that. That’s how it worked with everyone. It was fucking stupid to run to Pierre. They were fighting right now. They have been fighting for weeks, months. Baghera had no concept of time anymore. Had no idea how long the fight had been going on for but it has been. Pierre hated her right now. Baghera just wanted to cry.

Sept is crying. She’s begging. She just wanted love and affection and Baghera can’t give her that. No one can give her that because everyone hated her.

“Do you want to sit down?” Pierre asked after a moment. A minute? Time doesn’t exist. Baghera sniffled into her hands and nodded. She did run all this way. She was exhausted. She just wanted everything to stop being too much. She made Jaiden hate her. Pushed her away. Made sure that Jaiden knew how much Baghera would ruin her life. Already had. Someone make it stop.

“Baghera,” Pierre mumbled softly. He settled his hands on her arms, calloused fingers gentle against those scars she hated so much. “Baghera, you need to breathe.” Breathe? Baghera doesn’t know how to breathe. That’s ridiculous. Insanity. How could she know what breathing was? Had she ever heard the name before. She could feel Sept gasp out a breath though and Baghera realized how utterly ridiculous she was being. Sept knows how to breathe. She also knows how to follow instructions and if they just do whatever Pierre wanted, maybe he’ll keep her around just long enough for Baghera to grasp her life again.

“Yeah, just like that,” Pierre agreed. “Take another breath. Breathe.”

The hell he was being so nice to her? He’s spent weeks blaming her for staying in Purgatory. Spent weeks reminding her of how she’d left Pomme behind. As if he hadn’t done the same thing when they were younger. Why is Baghera even here? Why does she always run towards the people that will hurt her?

“Okay, let’s go sit down,” Pierre said. Baghera hadn’t even realized that she could breathe. Maybe that was Sept because Sept is right there and she’s crying. She was ready to just throw herself in Pierre’s arms and Baghera can’t let that happen. She can’t ruin whatever this is right now because she needed someone there to give her a second to pretend like she doesn’t want to kill herself anymore. Just to pretend. She can do it. She can pretend like she doesn’t want to die until she was on her own again.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered, rubbing the tears in her eyes with the heels of her hands. She can’t even see right now. Why can’t she stop Sept from screaming? Baghera was begging at this point. Begging to make her stop.

“It’s fine,” Pierre replied. He guided her by the arms and gods, she felt so stupid stumbling blindly after him. “Don’t make yourself worse by worrying about it.” His hands pushed down insistently and Baghera went easily, falling down onto the couch behind her. “I’m going to get you something to drink. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” There are footsteps. Baghera can hear the footsteps leave her behind.

How fucking stupid. She’s so stupid. How could she do this to herself? Why is she insistent on hurting herself? How could she run to someone she knew would hate her. Who didn’t know about Sept. All while Sept was screaming for someone to comfort her. Why the fuck did someone just have to comfort Sept anyway? Baghera wanted someone to comfort her too. But it’s always about Sept. Never about her. The only time she could get away from it is when she was with people who didn’t know about her and Sept is compromising her now too. Gods, Baghera needed to get a hold of herself. She’s so fucking stupid.

”Here,” Pierre said. He held out a glass of water to her. Baghera held the glass, but she’s such a wreck right now. “You should drink something. You don’t look good.”

”I’m sorry,” Baghera whispered again. She rubbed at her eyes. Sept won’t shut up. She really won’t shut up and it’s driving Baghera insane. She can’t just have five seconds for herself. She can’t live through all this trauma repeatedly.

”It’s fine,” Pierre repeated. He sat down next to her on the couch. Kept his distance because they are fighting and Baghera was fine with it because she couldn’t fucking take it anymore. Sept won’t stop screaming and Baghera was just begging for someone to make her shut the fuck up. “You should drink something.”

”I’m not thirsty.”

”Fine. But it will force you to actually breathe,” Pierre replied. “You keep hyperventilating again. Drink something.” Baghera sipped on the water, maybe it was Sept, and forced herself to swallow. When was the last time she drank something? She can’t remember that. She can’t remember a lot of things anymore. Sept is right there, reaching for someone. But she doesn’t have someone. Baghera doesn’t have anyone either. Everyone hates them. Baghera wanted them to hate her.

“I’ve been working on that thing in the basement, you know?” Pierre started. Baghera was torn from her thoughts and looked over. She sipped on the water again. “It’s been frustrating me a lot. I can’t seem to figure out what is wrong with it. Something’s making some kind of clanging sound and something else is buzzing and it doesn’t sound right.” 

“What do you want me to do?” Baghera blinked. She breathed out and she sipped on the water again. Pierre grinned and shrugged.

“What do you think I should do?” He asked.

“Why are you asking me?” She frowned and hugged herself slightly tighter. “I don’t know anything about machines.”

“You’ve stopped hyperventilating,” Pierre pointed out. “I think that did it’s job.” She breathed out again and oh. Yeah. She can breathe now. She dropped her head in her free hand and stared at the floor. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I made everyone hate me,” Baghera whispered. “Just like I always do.” She swirled the water in her glass again and Sept let out a sob in the back of her head at the reminder.

“No one hates you,” Pierre chuckled. Almost like she was crazy for asking that. “Why would you think that they did?”

“You hate me,” Baghera pointed out. “Everyone hates me. They just haven’t said it outloud.”

“Baghera, I don’t hate you,” Pierre frowned. “I got angry with you but I don’t hate you. Why would you think that?”

“Don’t you?” Baghera asked, glancing up with a slight frown. “You… You do.”

“I don’t. I got angry. That’s all it was,” Pierre said. “I didn’t realize that you thought I hated you. Why would I do that?” Sept shut up, only for a moment. It was a lovely moment anyway. “Baghera, I’ve known you most of my life. Something stupid like that won’t make me hate you.”

“We’re fighting,” Baghera whispered. “Honest. I wouldn’t have even thought about staying if I knew that she was alive. I just… I promise. Bolas was bad enough. When Pomme didn’t make it out, I didn’t see the point. I would have never stayed if I knew she was alive.”

“I know that,” Pierre sighed. He leaned back in his seat. “That you would have never left Pomme. But she was… She was so worried. And so upset. And I couldn’t help but be angry myself. She was hurting and I can’t stop that. That she wouldn’t be like that if you were here. And you came back and immediately wiggled your way back into the same place like none of that happened.”

“But it did happen,” Baghera said. She had to think about Purgatory and recently that just immediately meant that Sept would be screeching for Cellbit. “I was tortured for months.” There is the screeching she was so used to hearing. But Cellbit isn’t responding to her panic like he usually does. Sept is so loud in her ears. Baghera felt like she was holding her. And Cellbit isn’t there to respond. Baghera doesn’t know how to help her by herself. “And I got back and the French were the only ones who didn’t treat me like… like they feel bad for me.” It was hard to speak past the lump in her throat. She tried to swallow around it but it got caught and she couldn’t stop the tears. Pierre handed her the water again.

“What did he do to you?” Pierre asked. “You’re not the same.” As if everyone else hadn’t also been making that observation. It’s been the same one every day for a year. She’s not the same. She has this baby in her head that she can’t care about but won’t stop screaming anyway. Baghera had yanked her away from everyone who’s ever known her and doesn’t even know how to make her calm down.

Baghera isn’t in danger. This is Pierre. If Pierre wanted to hurt her, he would have done so years ago.

“I can’t-“ Baghera sobbed into her hands. She would curled in on herself but she can’t risk causing the screaming to get worse. Anything she did just made her skin crawl. “I- I-“ The words won’t come out. They are lodged in her throat. She choked around them and cried harder. It’s no wonder Pierre hated her. She can’t fucking speak.

She didn’t think it had affected her that badly. Truly, really, honestly. It had been their life. They wanted to go home. They wanted it to stop. They wanted to die. So badly. So badly that it hurt. It felt like a fever dream and hell and she couldn’t get it out of her head. If it had been last year, back when they first moved to this part of the island, then maybe she would have had more patience with herself. But it’s not a year ago. It’s now. It’s been a year and she still hasn’t felt like anything has changed.

“It’s fine,” Pierre answered quickly. He reached a hand to steady her again and she sobbed. Or maybe it was Sept. “I understand. Sorry I asked. It was extremely hard on you, wasn’t it?”

The cry she can’t stand left her lips and she leaned into the touch in a way that felt so foreign to Baghera. Pierre indulged the baby by rubbing his hand up and down her scarred arm and Baghera knew it wouldn’t take much more for Sept to just throw herself at him.

It was an uncomfortable silence. Baghera can’t promise that Sept won’t be the one talking if she does.

“I didn’t realize that you thought I hated you,” Pierre said. “I don’t. I’ve just been frustrated, I get it. I’m sorry.” 

“You should hate me,” Baghera spit out. She wrapped her arms around herself. She leaned closer, she didn’t want too, but Sept is desperate for contact and Baghera can’t stand this. She can’t stand it.

“I don’t. I never could. We’ve spent our whole lives together,” Pierre repeated. “I don’t hate you, Baghera.” He was so close. Sept wanted someone to hug her. Baghera wanted her to die. Neither of them are winning this. “I’m angry. I’m frustrated. And I am definitely angry at you. But I don’t hate you.”

“Pierre, I’m a Federation experiment. That’s all I've ever been.”

The silence was loud. Baghera found herself thinking that a lot recently. It was so loud. It did all the talking for them. Gods, she fucked up. But that’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? To fuck up? To make Pierre hate her? That’s why she told him. To make him hate her. To make him push her away, turn her in, hurt her.

“Who else knows?” Was the response she got. Not the one she was expecting. He ran his fingers over her arms before holding onto it, not quite trying to pull her in for a hug but on the verge of it. “Aside from the Feds.”

“Cellbit,” She breathed out. The fear of rejection started to fade. Sept isn’t screaming. She cried for Cellbit but she’s done screaming. Pierre is gentle with her and he didn’t even know it. “Etoiles. Roier. Phil. BadBoy. Bagi. I think- I think that is it.” She counted it out in her head, over and over again, trying to convince herself that she was right. That was all it had been.

“That’s a lot of people,” Pierre said. He frowned. Baghera didn’t want to flinch away, but she felt like it. “Do you think they’re safe?”

“They have to be. I’ve trusted them this long.”

“If you trust them, then I’m sure they are trustworthy.” He rubbed up and down her arm. He wasn’t put off by any of this. “It’s your life. I’m sure you picked the right people to trust with it. Do you know what they did?”

Kind of? Baghera had the general concept of what they did to her. Had these small flashes of memory and the feeling of being cut open. A baby that existed in her head. She knew it happened. But placing the pieces together, figuring out why it happened, went completely over her head. She felt like she was going insane just trying to comprehend that it happened, let alone understand why.

“I don’t-“ She started, choking on her words. She buried her face in her hands again. Sept needed to stop. She needs to stop. Baghera needed to be able to breathe. “They never- They cut me open.” It’s all she’s ever been able to say, all she’s ever been able to explain. “Over and over and over again.” 

“It’s okay. I don’t need you to make yourself sick trying to explain,” Pierre said. “Breathe. Drink some water.”

“Can I stay here?” She asked again. “I- I think everyone hates me.” Pierre let go of her to grab the water cup again and Sept screamed. Baghera could have sworn she’d had it under control, but Pierre jumped back to pull her into a hug. Sept quieted down after that again, forcing Baghera to curl up in his arms. She was going to lose it. She was going to cry.

“You’re fine. It’s fine. No one is going to hurt you here,” Pierre said softly. Gently. Carefully. Convincing her that he cared. Fuck. It’s what Sept needed to hear. She can’t tell which one of them is in control anymore. Maybe no one is. Maybe Sept is now.

“You’re fine,” Pierre repeated. “No one is going to hurt you. You can stay as long as you need.”

By the time Baghera felt like she could breathe, she came to the realization that she’d been at Pierre’s house for hours. Pierre sat near her, tinkering with something in his hands, and Baghera curled closer to the blanket she had wrapped around her. It wasn’t quiet. There was the turning in her head that was almost always there that was Cellbit. Processing something. Thinking over something. It’s not for her to know. Someone else must be listening in on him. She’s not alone in her head but it’s not Sept.

”How long has it been?” Baghera mumbled. Pierre shrugged his shoulders and set the project down in his lap.

”An hour. Maybe two. You were having a panic attack,” Pierre said. “I didn’t want to just have you leave when you were like that.”

“Fuck,” Baghera mumbled, dragging her hand through her hair. Her head pounded. She was exhausted. “Was I…” The idea that Sept did come out and ruin everything made her sick. She felt like she was going to throw up. Because Sept is quiet and that means that she was definitely able to have her meltdown. Baghera can feel the after effects of it.

“You weren’t really responsive,” Pierre promised. Like he knew what she was worried about. “You asked for Cellbit once or twice. I’m sure you were too out of it to remember that.”

“My new favorite skill,” Baghera chuckled softly. She shook her head and buried her face in her hands. No Sept. That’s good. Sept was there, she had her meltdown, but nothing too suspicious. “In the cells… I did that a lot. I don’t have to think about it then.”

“You were tortured,” Pierre shrugged. “That would make sense.”

“Don’t start,” Baghera practically begged. “Please, don’t start. Everyone always just feels bad for me. At least you get mad at me.”

Pierre hummed and picked up his project again. “Coming back wasn’t easy.” He said. “We didn’t have it easy either. We spent the whole time getting attacked by the Watcher and the Federation. I’m sure that you had it really hard though.”

“I can’t,” She said. “I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry.”

“I won’t make you,” Pierre promised. “I really don’t care. We’ve known each other our whole lives. I’m sure if you can’t tell me, you can’t tell anyone.”

”I can’t,” Baghera confirmed, rubbing her eyes. “I can’t say anything. It drives me crazy sometimes. I want to be able to share some things. But my brain just… stops. And I can’t. I don’t know why.”

”Probably because it was bad. You’re exhausted. It takes time. I don’t care. We’ve known each other our whole lives. One argument won’t change the fact that we’re family.”

Family. Right. It’s been such a weird concept recently. Baghera knew what it was before. The French had been her family. Pomme had been her family. That doesn’t change. Her feelings towards them were still there but…

”I felt abandoned.” It was all she could get out. She couldn’t say more than that. She felt the mastermind blocking her off again. They had done that a lot recently. Baghera had no idea who they were, why they did that, but the feelings were the same every time she tried to say more. Someone was there and they made sure that Baghera felt isolated in her trauma.

”I’m sorry. So did we. I was mad that you would choose death over us. That instead of us mourning Pomme together, you chose to make us mourn both of you instead. That was… hard. When you came back, I don’t know. I guess I took it out on you instead of listening to you.”

”I shouldn’t have done that to you either,” Baghera said. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

”I know. You can stay here for as long as you want. I wouldn’t kick you out.”

”This is the longest we’ve ever spent together.” She shifted the blanket in her lap, wrapping it around herself again.

”I know,” Pierre laughed, turning to face her again. “I was just thinking about it. We’ve been all together for longer than two years. Longest we’ve ever been together.”

”It’s weird,” Baghera shrugged. “I think if we go home, then nothing would change. Maybe it’s Pomme keeping us together. We don’t know how to tell her no.”

”We don’t. I do hope we can go home. Some day. Maybe our leads with Elena will do something, finally.”

Baghera felt herself flinch. Pierre’s face went through all sorts of emotions before he seemed to understand. Baghera hasn’t seen Elena again but just the thought of her made her want to throw up. Not her. Not again. Not anything. Baghera can’t deal with anything any longer.

”Oh. I see. I’m sorry. Maybe someday you can tell me more.”

”You…” Baghera choked on her words briefly. “Said that you had a project in the basement.”

”Yeah. Want to see if you can help me finish it?” Pierre stood up and held a hand for Baghera’s water glass. Baghera just wanted anything to keep her distracted long enough to calm down.

”Absolutely. I’m great at… wires and things,” She grinned. Pierre laughed and shrugged.

”We’ll find out.”

Family is a weird thing. Baghera felt like she had to relearn it all over again. But right now, it was baby steps. And baby steps were just enough right now anyway. One day, maybe she could say more. One day. That wasn’t today, but she followed Pierre down to the basement and realized that maybe things have been getting better after all.

Chapter Text

Tallulah wasn’t feeling well when Cellbit showed up on Phil’s doorstep. She’d been complaining about her head hurting and her stomach was upset. Something didn’t feel right but she didn’t have a fever so Phil turned the lights down and sent her to take a nap. Chayanne ran out to his garden to tend to it. He’d shouted something about getting some vegetables for a soup or something like that and had been digging around the garden outside the window for at least an hour before Cellbit showed up. Empanada had shown up in his yard some number of minutes ago that Phil couldn’t recall but had acknowledged Bagi from across the river that she was good to hang out for a while.

Phil was surprised to find Cellbit at his door. Something was clearly wrong from the start. Aside from the obvious hurt and betrayal on Cellbit’s face, it was incredibly unlike him to just show up out of nowhere. Before Phil could even ask him what was wrong, Cellbit mumbled a; “I got in a fight with Roier. Can I stay here for a bit?”

”Yeah, sure,” Phil frowned, opening the door the rest of the way. “Llulah might have a stomach bug, just to warn you.”

”Pepito got it a few days ago and gave it to Richas after that,” Cellbit waved it off. “It doesn’t bother me.” He stepped into the room and he looked horrible. Cellbit dropped his gaze to the floor and at closer look, Phil could see that he was shaking.

”Do you want to sit down?” Phil asked, pointing over at the table. “I can make you some coffee.” Cellbit dropped into a chair and buried his head in his hands while Phil set to work on brewing some coffee. “What did you fight over?”

”I don’t know,” Cellbit frowned, muffled by his arms. “I don’t know why he was so mad at me. I did something though. I think he’s mad at me because I upset Jaiden.”

”You got in a fight with Jaiden too?” Phil asked, grabbing a cup from the cabinet and set it next to the coffee pot he hardly used.

”I don’t know. I don’t understand why we’re fighting,” Cellbit replied. “Baghera got upset about something and something is wrong with her but she won’t talk to me. Something upset Jaiden and something upset Roier and neither of them will tell me what it is. It’s all my fault though. I hurt them.”

”It has to be something,” Phil shrugged. “What happened before then?”

“I was… Jaiden, she… oh,” Cellbit realized. The way he curled in on himself was concerning. “Oh, fuck. I fucked everything up.”

Phil poured the coffee into the cup and set it in front of Cellbit, although given his state, Phil didn’t expect him to take it at all. He sat down at the table and waited for some sort of confirmation to continue. Cellbit ran a hand through his hair and breathed out.

“It can’t be that bad,” Phil tried to help. “It’s been a busy year. You were bound to get into a fight at some point. It can’t be that bad.”

”I- fuck, I said… That’s why they’re pissed. I said I don’t know what love is.”

Oh. “Okay, yeah, that is pretty bad.” Cellbit let out some strangled sound under his breath and Phil frowned. “You’re not doing well,” He noted, turning the rest of the way in the chair to face Cellbit. “Have you been sleeping?”

“I don’t know,” Cellbit mumbled from his arms.

“Are you eating?”

It was followed by the same answer. “I don’t know.”

“Cellbit, is Baghera eating?” The two of them are co-dependent. They can’t exist for longer than two hours without seeing each other. They cause themselves to panic each time it’s longer. If he was doing anything, keeping track of anything, it would be that. If he had enough of a grasp on his life, it should be taking care of Baghera.

“I don’t know.” Followed instead.

“Okay, Cellbit, that’s not good,” Phil said carefully. He should probably pretend like it didn’t worry him. Didn’t want to set him off now either. “You need to be eating. Baghera needs to be eating. You have to be sleeping. That’s not healthy.” Cellbit shrugged his shoulders, refusing to move. “If you’re not eating, then Baghera isn’t either. Then she’s not sleeping. That’s not good. You’re not helping each other at all.”

“I’m trying,” Cellbit spat out. “I’m trying to make it work. It’s not working.” He rubbed his temple with his fingers and sighed. “I try so hard every day.”

“Right now, it’s not enough,” Phil answered. Cellbit visibly flinched. “You’re barely surviving the day as is. This isn’t working right now.”

“I’m trying,” Cellbit snapped.

“I know you are,” Phil agreed with a nod. “You are trying. But right now you can barely take care of yourself. You’re fighting with Roier and Jaiden. You don’t know what love is. Richarlyson was taking care of Pepito by himself for months. You’re not doing well.”

“I know. I am trying.” Cellbit repeated it like it’s the last thing he had. He ran his hands through his hair and pulled. Some part of Phil knew he was being too harsh. Some of that felt like something he’d never say. But he must be hallucinating that part. Surely.

“You are. It’s not enough right now.”

“I fucking know.” The growling under Cellbit’s breath felt far from dangerous. Like a cornered animal. The thing about most cornered animals that Phil knew is that they aren’t dangerous. Cellbit was no different right now. All bark and no bite. Phil could probably get whatever he wanted from him.

Why would he think that?

“If you know that, then maybe it would be best to take a few steps back to sort everything out,” Phil suggested. Trying to keep his head about him when something in him wanted to take advantage of it. Which is odd because Phil knew he shouldn’t be like that.

“I’m trying my best,” Cellbit insisted. “For myself and Baghera. For Roier and my kids.”

“Maybe you’re not doing enough. You’re overwhelmed. Maybe you should take some of that off your plate for a while,” Phil suggested before he could stop himself. “Maybe you need time to focus on yourself before you worry about anything else.”

Something felt satisfying about the glare Cellbit gave him. Phil felt like he should be shutting up around now.

“I’m trying to help,” Phil defended. “I’m just offering my help, that’s all. You’re not doing well. You got into a fight. I’m just trying to help you out. Maybe you are doing too much right now.”

“What’s your solution?” Cellbit asked through gritted teeth. Phil seized the chance.

“Why doesn’t Baghera move here instead.”

The reaction was immediate. Cellbit snapped back like he’d been hit. He opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. Honestly, what was so wrong with the suggestion anyway? Phil was only trying to help. Cellbit had too much going on. Baghera liked being at Phil’s house. And it’s not like he doesn’t know how to help Sept either.

“I’m not doing that,” Cellbit hissed. “She’s my sister. She’ll stay with me.”

“Cellbit, you can’t even take care of yourself. You’re ruining your relationship with Roier. You said it yourself, you don’t know what love is.” He shrugged and turned his attention out to the window to look for Chayanne. Their garden wasn’t big enough. They should expand that. “If you can’t take care of yourself and you don’t know how to love, how can you take care of Baghera? Your kids are already taking care of themselves. Besides, we both know that I’ve always been better with Sept anyway.”

Maybe Cellbit said something. Maybe he didn’t. By the time Phil realized what the fuck he’d said, Cellbit was long gone.

What. The. Fuck.

What the fuck did he do? What the fuck did he say? Why did he say that? Why would he do that? Cellbit came to him looking for some sort of reassurance and Phil fucked him up even more. Why would he even say that? Any of it. Obviously Cellbit is exhausted, especially with life, but it’s not like any of this has been new. Cellbit had never been good at taking care of himself before. This shouldn’t be anything new. He’d already been fixing his messed up relationship with Pepito and repairing broken ties with Richarlyson. If he was doing anything right now, it would be making sure Baghera was fine. The same way she was focused on making sure he was fine. Relationships can be mended. Fights happen. Cellbit does know what love is, he’s just exhausted right now. He’s obviously better with Sept than Phil is because Cellbit is the one that Sept calls for all the time.

By all accounts, Phil was wrong. And yet, he said it anyway.

What the fuck.

He breathed out sharply and reached for his communicator.

Ph1lza whispered to Cellbit: I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said any of that. It’s not true. I’m sorry.

There was no response. Phil shouldn’t have expected there to be. He reached out to Baghera next but she gave no response as well. He vaguely recalled something Cellbit said about her not being okay or something, but Phil couldn’t remember.

Chayanne was still shouting something outside the window at Empanada. Something about vegetables for the soup. There was no way Chayanne would be able to harvest everything before nightfall. His son had a garden that was just a little too big for their abilities right now but he’d always been ambitious about his gardens.

Tallulah was still sick upstairs, stomach upset and head pounding. Phil could vaguely hear her tossing and turning and fuck, how long had he just been sitting here? When had he sat down? Why didn’t he remember? When did Cellbit come over? When had he left?

Ph1lza whispered to Roier: I fucked up with Cellbit.

Roier whispered to Ph1lza: No more than I did, I think

Ph1lza whispered to Roier: No, I said a bunch of things I shouldn’t have. Things that weren’t true.

Roier whispered to Ph1lza: So did I. I’ve been trying to contact him.

Ph1lza whispered to Roier: He ran off from my house. He won’t respond. I don’t know where he is. I really fucked it up.

Roier whispered to Ph1lza: I’m heading home. I’ll see if I can find him. I’m sure it’s not that bad.

Ph1lza whispered to Roier: I think I told him he was failing everything.

Roier whispered to Ph1lza: The fuck?

Great. Fuck. Why did Phil say any of that? Tallulah sniffled from somewhere up the stairs and Phil glanced up at her from where she sat. She looked ill, glossy eyes and clammy skin. He could see her shivering from where he was. She rubbed at her eyes and pulled the blanket tighter around herself.

“Mosquitos, Papa,” She whispered through her chattering teeth. Right. She’s sick. Phil needed to take care of her. The stomach bug or something. She got it from someone. Empanada or Pepito, maybe. Maybe he should keep her locked away forever so she’d never get sick again.

The fuck?

Phil reached the top of the stairs and scooped her up. She flinched back slightly before her head dropped on his shoulder with a groan. Burning up. “There’s no mosquitos, Llulah. It’s too cold for them here.”

“I threw up,” Tallulah whimpered. “Mosquitos, Papa. You have mosquitoes.”

Phil had no idea what Tallulah meant by mosquitos. He kissed her head and headed back into their room. “I’ll get it cleaned up. It’s okay. You go back to sleep.” She’s sick. She’s hallucinating. There are no mosquitoes. There have never been mosquitoes on the island. Phil knew that. Plenty of things that would kill them but no mosquitoes. Like everyone was out to get him. Get them.

He set Tallulah down in his own bed and set to work cleaning things up. Tried not to think about the fact that he’d been an asshole to Cellbit and he couldn’t even say why. He hated the fact that he had no idea how long he’d been sitting there. Or whatever the fuck Tallulah meant by these mosquitoes.

“There,” Phil said, reaching to pick her up again. Tallulah snuggled against his chest with a sniffle and refused to let him leave when he tried to step away. “You’re all warm and cozy now. You should feel better soon.”

“I like it when you don’t leave,” Tallulah mumbled softly, hiding her face in his chest again, eyes falling shut.

Don’t leave. Leave? Why would he leave? Phil let Tallulah sleep on him despite the fever and messaged Bagi to keep an eye on the kids outside.

No message from Cellbit. Nothing from Baghera. Something in him seemed happy with the news. Phil felt like maybe he was coming down with the stomach bug too.

Chapter Text

Cellbit wasn’t sure what was worse. The never ending bubbling of emotions that he definitely can’t be feeling right now or the fact that Phil was taking Baghera from him. He can’t lose her. He can’t. What was he going to do with himself with her gone? She has to stay. She has to stay in his sight.

He felt like crying. Felt the emotion choked up in his neck and threatening to bubble over until he exploded. Everything is falling apart. He’s fighting with Roier, he’s losing Baghera, no one trusted him. Jaiden’s angry with him. Phil thinks he’s a danger to himself. Gods, he wanted to die.

“Hey,” Pac hummed from somewhere behind him. If Cellbit wasn’t thinking about jumping off the roof, he would have lashed out at him for scaring him. “Richas said he couldn’t find you. Can I join you?”

“If you trust me,” Cellbit scoffed, letting his chin drop on his knees and wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“I do,” Pac agreed. He dropped down on the roof next to him and let his metal leg dangle over the side, his good one crossed under it. “You know, if you jump, Richarlyson is really going to miss you.”

“I wasn’t gonna jump,” Cellbit growled. Pac hummed again, in a way that made it clear that he didn’t believe him. And he wasn’t wrong. If Pac had come any later, Cellbit might have done it. He might still.

“It won’t make you feel any better,” Pac continued. “I mean, I don’t know if the roof is high enough. Maybe it is. But if you survive, I don’t think it’ll fix anything. And we’ll all miss you.”

“You won’t,” Cellbit replied. “It’ll kill.”

“Ah, so you were gonna jump,” Pac replied. “I will miss you. Roier will. Baghera. Richarlyson and Pepito. All of us will. Your nieces and nephews will. I think you’re just not thinking clearly. Roier said you haven’t slept at all for three days. You know you don’t think clearly when you don’t sleep.”

“Pac, shut the fuck up,” Cellbit growled.

“Yeah, okay,” Pac agreed.

The silence was just as awkward. Gods, Cellbit hasn’t been okay in a long time. He couldn’t remember the last time he was okay. Before Richarlyson went missing? Maybe the wedding? And before that? He couldn’t think of a single time that he had been. His childhood slipped through his fingers and left him empty and begging for something to fill that space.

“I was scared,” Cellbit finally whispered. Pac leaned forward in interest but kept silent. “Prison had never been kind to me. I was a target for the longest time and… well, if you escaped and I was left behind, it’d go back to that. I was scared.”

“So you-“

“Stop talking. Stop or I’ll never-“ Cellbit choked on his own words with a cry. “I didn’t have anything. No childhood. I was a child soldier with no use and was put into games for adults to try to kill me off because I was lost without a purpose. By the time I ended up in prison, I was unlovable. A murderer, a serial killer, a cannibal. I was terrified. I felt like a… like a…” The tears won’t stop. He felt too vulnerable. And if he jumped off the roof, he wanted Pac to know that he was sorry. For everything. “Like an animal. A weapon without an owner. When I was younger, I begged to be welded because I was lost without it. They turned me into this violent, obedient monster, or maybe I was always one, and then they abandoned me.”

Pac was patient, waiting for him to speak again. Cellbit couldn’t make himself do it. He can’t say anymore. Didn’t want to think about the numb feelings in his chest until he ended up on Quesadilla Island. When he was taught how to love again. Maybe he never knew how to love in the first place. Maybe that’s why he felt like it was gone.

“You were treated like a tool your whole life,” Pac shrugged. “You were treated like a monster, a rabid animal. Even in prison. It was only a matter of time before you lashed out to make the world hurt with you, no? You were scared, Cellbo. Scared and abandoned. Sounds like…” He sighed and propped his head up on a hand, elbow rested on his knee, and stared out at the ground below them. Cellbit wondered what it would be like to crash against the ground.

“You know what, Cellbo? I got this theory,” Pac continued. “That we become the person that we needed to save us when no one else did. I needed someone who wasn’t afraid, who showed a bit of kindness, because no one showed me a bit of kindness when I was younger. You know? You were terrified. You needed someone big and scary to save you and no one did so you had to do it yourself. I think when you think about life that way, it’s a bit easier to show kindness despite the things that people do. You were scared that you were gonna get left behind in a place that hurt you. I get it. Maybe we shouldn’t have thought about leaving you behind. I’m sorry. That we even thought about it. I know now that you were just lashing out because you were scared.”

“You’re only saying that so I don’t jump off this roof,” Cellbit replied glumly.

“I’ve thought about it ever since I developed my theory,” Pac replied. “I’m sorry no one seems to give a shit about you until you’re on the roof of the building. We will miss you if you jump off.”

“I wish you would stop making things up.”

“I wish you would believe me,” Pac answered. “What I do know is you have a nine year old boy who already lost a brother sitting in your living room who is very excited to show his dad his new painting. He already lost you once and went to hell to get you back. You have a sister who would miss you so deeply. You are connected, whether you like it or not. She will know you threw yourself off a roof and she will be devastated. You have another who just wants to do right by you after years of failing you. You know Bagi would do anything for you right now. You have a husband who missed you so badly the first time that I genuinely thought he would kill himself. You’re going to do that to him? You will be missed if you throw yourself off the roof. You can’t be serious.” Pac breathed out and let his head drop in his hands.

“Pac-“

“No, it’s my turn,” Pac interrupted. “It’s my turn to talk. I get it, okay? I understand. It’s not like my life has been great either. I don’t know what Purgatory did to you but I remember getting chased by you and thinking to myself that that wasn’t you. That something so horrible had happened to you and feeling awful because Richas had been pulling at our shirts and asking us where the hell you were. And we never went to look for you. I felt like that was my fault. While I was busy fooling around with Fit and screwing around with Richas, you were stuck in Purgatory and suffering.” Cellbit opened his mouth and closed it again. “When we died and ended up back at that spawn for the second game, I felt like it was my fault. Our faults. Bagi was devastated. Etoiles hated himself. You’re right, okay? We didn’t care until then. You’re right. Life hasn’t been fair. I get it. I’ve found myself on the roof more than once. You’re not alone. You’re not the only one who’s felt like this. I understand. I’m asking you to please get off the roof with me and go see our kid. He will be destroyed if you aren’t here anymore.”

Cellbit dropped his head in his knees and cried. Ugly tears. Purgatory all over again. Gods, he just wanted to be numb again. He just wanted to not feel anything. He’s already failed Richarlyson. Made his son take care of his brother right under his nose and he didn’t know any better. He can’t do any good for Baghera. He’s fighting with Roier because Cellbit doesn’t know what it means to love anymore when everything in him feels like shards of glass stuck in his skin. Like getting run over by a train and knowing that no one gives a shit.

“I’m a monster,” Cellbit sobbed into his knees. A hellhound, he’d been called in Purgatory. He remembered those few days when they disobeyed their last command. He’d thought about it. Thought about holding a knife above Baghera’s chest and letting it fall but the thought of never seeing her again was far worse than the thought of disobeying an order. Remembered being dragged on his hands and knees and chained down like a dog. Remembered Baghera chained down beside him. The pain, the fear, the tears. The words that dug into his core and gutted him. 

He felt small and weak and afraid and it never ended. It never went away after that. He’d only wanted to please his master but a knife had been pressed into his hand and instructed that he kill Baghera point blank and he couldn’t do that. Baghera had been crying, shirt torn from where she’d been whipped. Shock collar going off every time she so much as flinched until she was pliant under his body. “You can do anything you want with her.” He was encouraged. He was the stronger of the two. He was the one who made all the decisions during the hunt. He was the better one to keep around. “Alive or dead. Whatever you want to her body. A dog needs a toy. She’ll behave. She’s a good girl like that.”

“I just want my sister,” Cellbit whispered, staring down. Glossy blue eyes staring back into his. Baghera was terrified but not of him. Cellbit felt small and weak and petrified. “I don’t want to hurt her. Give me anything else. I’ll hurt anyone else. Just not her.”

He still felt that way now. Small and weak and petrified. He’d never stopped feeling that way since then.

“I don’t mind,” Pac whispered back. “You were when you needed to be. I forgive you for it. Cellbo, please, get off the roof.” He set a hand on Cellbit’s shoulder and he didn’t know how it was possible but somehow, the tears were worse and gods, Cellbit wanted to die.

They were separated and Cellbit was whipped until the tears ran down his cheeks and he didn’t fight it anymore. Baghera shrieked from somewhere in the corner, small and broken, and the realization that this would be their life now settled awful in the pit of his stomach. The next time they shoved a knife in Cellbit’s hand and forced him over Baghera, she was cut down the middle, the intoxicating smell of blood tempting him to finish the job. She was sobbing, fingers tightening on the loose fabric of his pants. A hiccuping sob caused the electricity to run through her until she lay still and dazed.

“She’s not your sister. Hurt her. She’ll be a good girl and behave for you. Be a good dog and hurt her.”

“I can’t.”

“Then we do it again.”

“A weapon, yeah?” Pac asked softly. Cellbit cried out. “You want to be welded again? Want someone to tell you what to do?”

Cellbit didn’t want to think.

“I’m efficient,” He answered. “I’m so good. I am easy to control. I swear.”

“Okay,” Pac said. There was something in his throat. “Then I want you to get off the roof and go see your son’s painting. And I want you to pretend like he’s the next… well, I can’t think of any famous artists at the moment but he’s the next that guy and you have never seen a better painting in your life. Then we’ll talk.”

At least Cellbit doesn’t have to think. Doesn’t have to make a decision. Someone else can make it for him. He failed the last time but he’s so good at taking orders.

Baghera was bleeding. Heavily. She’s so tempting. Cellbit knew that was the point. He can’t imagine wanting to be anywhere close to hurting her though. The knife was forced in his hand again. Baghera didn’t get shocked this time. She didn’t fight at all. She cried out when she was moved and stared up at him. The faint smell of potions confirmed his worst fear. She was quite literally held together by potions alone.

“Hurt her.”

He can’t. He slumped forward and cried against her chest. Not his sister. Not her.

“Hurt her. Don’t you want to reward her for being such a good listener? She behaves so well for you, look at her. Hurt her. Show her that she’s been good for you.”

He can’t.

Pac pulled him off the roof and to the safety of the landing on the stairs before he even dared to let go. Cellbit slumped against the wall and sobbed into his hands, trying to get the image of disobedience out of his head. Trying to get over the idea that he was supposed to kill Baghera. Pac hesitated at his side before pulling him into a hug and it wasn’t the worst thing that Cellbit had felt.

“Hurt her. She is begging for you to do it. Put an end to her suffering. Use her body for whatever you’d like. I don’t care. A dog needs a toy and you’re quite disrespectful for not wanting the one I gave you.”

“You’re not a monster,” Pac whispered in his ear. “I know you used to be but you came back with Baghera. You’re not a monster. And you will be missed if you jump off the roof. So please, don’t do that.”

“Phil’s taking Baghera,” Cellbit cried. Because that’s what pushed him to the roof in the first place. “He’s taking her and she’ll be gone. And I need her. I need her here to make sure no one will hurt her.” He needed her here to make sure that the Watcher couldn’t take her. Couldn’t inject her with drugs to make her dazed and confused and unaware of where she was. Couldn’t cut her apart and use potions to sustain her life to make her hurt. Couldn’t put her under anyone and tell them to do whatever they would like to her. Cellbit can’t have that. He can’t let anyone hurt her.

She was in his lap this time. Bleeding out and sobbing. “Please, please, please.” She whispered over and over again. “Cellbo, please.” When she paused, she was shocked. She was trembling, hiding her face in his shoulder and begging. She was being pulled like a puppet on a string, told exactly what to do and what buttons to push.

“She wants to be so good.” The words are disgusting in his ears but he was stuck, forced to listen to them. “She wants to be such a good toy for you. If you’re honest with yourself, the chase was fun but it wasn’t her thing. Not her style. She wandered around lost and confused for half of it until you held her hand through it all. This is what she’s better suited for. Being a good toy for you to use. She’ll behave however you want. She’ll let you kill her, she’ll kill herself if you asked her too.” Cellbit just wanted to hide her away, hide himself away. And yet, here he is. Baghera was crying into his shoulder and bleeding out in his lap, forced to tempt him into making a decision he would regret.

“Cellbo,” Baghera wailed. She was in pain. Cellbit wanted it to stop. “Please. Please, please.”

“See how good she’s being for you? See how well behaved she is? She is the perfect toy for a dog like you. You can use her for anything. To eat, to hunt, to play. To fuck, if you so choose. You can hunt and kill her if that’s what you prefer. I’ll send her bolting now and then you can hunt her down. Tear her to pieces or leave her whole in a game of fetch. The perfect toy. You’re being rude not accepting my toy.”

“Cellbit, do you trust Phil?” Pac asked softly. Does he? Cellbit isn’t sure anymore. He should, he has before. Phil is Bolas. Phil is Dad. Phil’s watched over Baghera when she was in pain and curled up on his floor. He’s been there whenever anyone called for him to come. He’s Sept’s favorite babysitter and she’s always so happy when she’s with him.

But Phil is taking Baghera. He’s pulling her out of Cellbit’s protective grasp and removing him from being Sept’s primary caretaker. Because Cellbit is a danger. Because Cellbit’s not good enough to do it all.

It’s not a game of fetch, it’s a race. Cellbit was paired against another worker. Baghera is bleeding out and the Watcher called her a good girl and told her to run. Whoever gets to her first gets to do whatever they want. Cellbit’s chest is screaming to have his sister back in his arms. Baghera won’t make it far. She must have collapsed somewhere nearby. So Cellbit was racing to find her first and keep her safe.

He failed. The worker found her first. Baghera cried out in pain, a bite mark bleeding on her neck and two fingers sliding in and out of the massive cut in her chest. She spasmed when they hit a particular spot and Cellbit snapped the person’s neck before they could abuse it. He tried to be gentle pulling the fingers out and separating the two bodies but Baghera cried anyway.

“I’ve got you, maninha,” Cellbit whispered, scooping her up in his arms. Back to the Watcher they return. There’s no hope for escape. Cellbit will never make it that far. “No one will hurt you again.” It’s a promise he can’t keep. They both know that.

“I don’t trust everyone else,” Cellbit sobbed. “I don’t trust that they won’t hurt her.”

“Do you believe Phil will protect her?” Pac continued. And Cellbit really wished that he could say yes but the truth was no. He didn’t trust anyone. He hardly even trusted Roier with her. And now he’s fighting with Roier and nothing is right. Nothing is right at all. It hasn’t been for a long time. Shoved into Baghera’s personal space over and over and over again, listening to her plead for him to do something. The Watcher taunting him, trying to goad him into doing something he’d regret for the rest of his life. The same way he regrets what he did to Pac. 

Made to feel small and weak and afraid. Cellbit hated feeling all of those things.

“I don’t know,” Cellbit said instead. It’s a lie. He does a lot of lying right now. He lies to Richarlyson and tells him that he’s sleeping. He lies to Roier and tells him that he’s fine. The only person he can’t lie to is Baghera.

Baghera can’t speak. They’ve run this routine too many times. She choked on her own blood. She was seizing under him when the drugs ran out. She smelled like potions and iron. She’s bleeding. Somehow, she’s still bleeding. Cellbit doesn’t understand how but it doesn’t stop.

She can’t speak but she still begs. Her voice is cracked. It’s hardly a word, not English and not French, but he understands what she’s saying all the same. This won’t stop if nothing changes. She’s begging. For him to kill her or for him to break them out of this, he’s not sure. He knows, deep down, from the pulling in his brain, that she’s begging him to kill her.

“Do you not know?” Pac asked. He pulled Cellbit in tighter and Cellbit knew that he was still shaking. Richarlyson is down below in the living room, waiting for him, and Cellbit can’t get his shit together anymore all because Phil was just trying to help. “Or do you just not want to say no? We can talk about it, if you want. So you don’t feel so alone.”

But he is alone. Baghera is alone. They’re alone together. No one came for them. No one tried to save them. Now they are left to put the pieces together all by themselves and no one gives a shit about the mental breakdown he’s having over just the thought of being apart. Except Pac. Only Pac shouldn’t give a shit either.

“I will kill myself if something happens to her,” Cellbit replied. He can’t talk without his voice breaking. Gods, what became of him? Why is he still so terrified of the Watcher?

“You seemed pretty set on doing that to yourself already,” Pac hummed.

“You’ve denied her a reward for days, Cellbit.” He’s being scolded. It can’t have been days. Cellbit is trembling. He can’t move. He’s petrified the moment he hears the footsteps in the hall and a voice in the door. It can’t have been days. They can’t have been doing this for days. Days of meticulous torture. Of placing a knife in Cellbit’s hand and telling him to hurt his sister. He can’t do it. He can’t do another race. He won’t make it in time next time. He hardly got there last time. A worker with their hand tangled up in her intestines.

“Don’t you think she deserves something for waiting so patiently for you? Don’t you think she should be rewarded for waiting for you to come around. Look at her. She just wants your approval. She’s a good girl, just waiting for you.”

“If I can’t see her, I won’t make it in time,” Cellbit whispered. “I won’t be there. I won’t make it. When I sleep, I’m being tortured or I’m being trained so I don’t sleep. I can’t.”

“Trained?” Pac blinked. Cellbit fucked it up. Gods, he fucked it all up. He recoiled and waited for something to happen. Waited for Pac to ask him to find his toy like a good dog and he’ll find Baghera bloody and weeping and someone will have their hands all over her body just to piss him off and get possessive. Pac doesn’t answer. Doesn’t send him off. The longer he’s not told to chase, the longer it will take for him to get to Baghera. The longer someone else will hurt her. The longer her pain is in his hands.

“Cellbo, you’re okay.” Pac. Down in front of him with his hands held out. Like he’s trying to calm a wild animal. Cellbit is an animal. Has to be. He’s only ever been treated like one. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry we weren’t there to get you out.” Cellbit is being a good dog, won’t Pac tell him to go get her? “Shit, Cellbit, what’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong.”

Baghera’s still in pain. He can feel the pulling in his head. Someone is. An alter, maybe? She can’t focus on anything. Maybe they’re switching and it’s gone horribly wrong. Pac isn’t telling him to chase. Isn’t telling him to fetch. Baghera’s not a toy. She’s his sister. It doesn’t stop everyone from referring to her that way.

“Cellbit, I’m telling you to breathe,” Pac managed to get out. Cellbit sucked a breath in at the order. The door opened and slammed shut downstairs and Cellbit jolted. No, no, no. It’s not good. He’ll be too late. He’ll be too late and she’ll be in ruins and a worker will have access to her for too long.

“Gatinho?” Roier called. Cellbit let out an ugly sob and hid his face in his hands. “Richas, stay there. Cellbo? What’s wrong?” Roier was halfway up the stairs before Cellbit could process what was happening.

Baghera will be dead. He’s not being told to chase. Someone will kill her. They don’t know how to be gentle.

“I can’t believe that you would neglect your toy like this. After all this patience she gives you, you still won’t reward her. Look at her. She only wants to be a good girl for you.” Cellbit didn’t think Baghera was fully conscious anymore. She was dazed. She still gets whipped but she can’t hold herself up anymore. “One reward for how good she’s been? She’s been so patient for you. She’s such a good girl for you, always participating in our chase. Don’t you want to give her a reward?”

Cellbit is breaking. The training is working. He’s breaking down. He leaned over her and brushed his fingers against her cheek. Baghera looked up at him, watched him, and fuck. Fuck this. She’s still fully aware. Cellbit can’t do this anymore. He can’t take letting other people hurt her. They aren’t gentle. That’s his sister. He’s meant to protect her.

“She’s been such a good girl. Waiting so patiently. Don’t you want to give her a reward?” Cellbit trailed further down and hated himself for it. At least they’ll leave them alone. He just needs to claim her, right? Needs to prove that he’s grateful to have her around. “Go on. Play with your toy.”

Lapping at the blood continuing to bubble up from her wounds stopped the never ending taunts from repeating.

His head hurts. He needed to get to Baghera before anyone else can hurt her. Roier settled down next to him, pulled him in his arms, and whispered. “It’s not real. Whatever you think is going wrong, it’s not real. I’m fine. Richas is fine. Baghera is fine. It’s not real.”

“She’s going to get hurt,” Cellbit cried. “Let me get her. Please. I’ve been so obedient.”

“Baghera is with Pierre right now. She’s safe. I just heard from her,” Roier promised. Pac’s hand was still on his shoulder. Pac hadn’t said anything. Gods, he’s failed Pac? He can’t fail Pac. He can’t disobey another master.

“I got him off the roof,” Pac said. He’s not talking to Cellbit though. Cellbit has failed him. He can’t do anything right. “He freaked out when I said the word ‘trained’. I don’t know what to do. Richas is downstairs.”

Trained. Cellbit has been trained. He can be obedient. He will listen this time. He’ll do anything asked of him. Anything except kill Baghera.

Baghera’s weak hand tightened around his shirt and she moaned in pain, shifting away. He was hurting her. He’s hurting her. He needs to get away. His head was pushed back down and directed to another patch of blood. “You got your toy dirty with your resistance. You clean it up.” And he’ll do it. He’ll do anything but kill Baghera.

“Tell her that she’s a good girl. Tell her she did good. She’s been so patient waiting for you to play with her.”

“Cellbo,” Roier whispered. He was grabbed by the chin and forced to meet his eyes. “Who am I?”

And Cellbit should know. But he doesn’t even know where he is. Just that he’ll get them thrown in the arena soon enough because it’s been threatened if he can’t behave and- oh. His hand grasped at the unmistakable fabric of his husband’s favorite hoodie and he blinked up. “Guapito?”

“Good. Very good.” The praise made him shiver. “Who’s that? Right next to me in the blue sweater?” Cellbit’s head isn’t working right. His hand wrapped tight on the pocket of Roier’s Spiderman hoodie and stared. The name won’t come but he knows it. He’s just a dumb mutt, waiting to be told what to think and feel and- “Pac.”

“So good,” Roier praised. He pressed a kiss to his forehead. Cellbit kissed her temple, lips stained in her blood. “So good, maninha. Such a good girl.” Baghera sobbed at the praise. With relief or despair, Cellbit doesn’t care. He got pulled closer, Roier applying pressure to his chest and instructing him to breathe. “I know. I know. I need you to name me five things you can see right now, Gatinho.” Five? Five things? That’s a lot of things.

“You,” He breathed out. “And… there’s Pac.” That’s two. He needed three more? That’s a lot. Cellbit can’t focus when he’s sure he’s too late. He hadn’t been told to chase. “Stairs. The hard floor.” He needed one more. Eyes flickering, trying to find something he could name. “The… the thing. On the wall.”

“The hand rail,” Roier answered. Pac removed his hand and Cellbit whimpered. Because that’s what dogs do when they want something, right? “Good. Good job. Now I need you to name me four things you can feel.”

Cellbit started to understand now. “I had a flashback.” He whispered. Roier hummed and rubbed up and down his back.

“I think it was more of a panic attack at the end there. Maybe you had both. Do you want to talk about it?” 

He was fighting with Roier, wasn’t he? Because he said he didn’t know what love was. He wasn’t sure that he did. Roier is the best thing to happen to him and he ruined it. He ruined everything. Just like he always does.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all he can muster. Baghera is fighting a switch as far as he can tell by poking around in her head but she’s fine. She’s with Pierre. She’s not in danger. They aren’t in Purgatory. He doesn’t have a too tight collar around his neck threatening to shock him if he misbehaved. Baghera is struggling but she’s fine.

“I’m sorry too. Asshole, the hell are you doing?” Roier growled. Pac was here. Where is Pac? Cellbit pulled away to look for him and saw a vague blue shape crouched down just beyond the stairs. Talking to Richarlyson, no doubt. “Eyes on me, asshole. What the hell were you thinking? Running off at Phil’s and not responding to any messages? You scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t find you.”

“I was on the roof,” Cellbit replied. He can’t look him in the eyes. He couldn’t. No way. There is no way. Not after everything.

“You weren’t gonna jump, were you?”

“If Pac didn’t get there, probably.”

“My god, Cellbit,” Roier sobbed and hugged him closer. Cellbit felt like crying again, if he didn’t already cry all his tears out. “I can’t leave anyone alone for five minutes. Jaiden’s upset. You’re upset. Baghs’s upset. I’m upset. What were you thinking?”

That he was small and weak and petrified and pathetic. That’s what he was thinking. He was thinking about how he was collared and shoved on top of his sister and he couldn’t even protect her that way. He hurt her instead, just to get everyone to leave them alone. He pushed her down when she started to struggle so she wouldn’t be shocked and complacent. He was directed to every injury and he was told to clean his mess until Baghera was crying and the Watcher sent them on a game of chase where Cellbit was too late and a Worker had slipped one hand inside her body to pull out some organs and another in their pants.

Cellbit felt powerless when he stared at her then. He was weak and tortured and he just wanted it all to stop. If he can’t see Baghera, he can’t keep people from hurting her. Can’t keep her from harm. Can’t keep the feeling of dread out of his chest with the possibility of failing her. He can’t be alone.

“No, I’m sorry,” Roier sighed. He pressed a kiss to his forehead again and shifted his grip on him. “We were fighting and I already knew you hadn’t been sleeping. Part of this is my fault. I wasn’t considering your mental state and said a lot of shit that I shouldn’t have.”

Cellbit rested his head on Roier’s shoulder and breathed out. The faint hint of his deodorant and a perfume he’d used days ago still lingered in the air. He wasn’t sure what had triggered this. Didn’t know how to stop it. Maybe he’d been thinking about it since Phil said he’d take Baghera. “You are right.” Cellbit breathed in again and tried to ignore the small part of him that was afraid of Roier not calling him good. Afraid that he would tell him that their fight ruined things forever and Cellbit would be collared and caged and wouldn’t be allowed to chase Baghera down before someone else could make do on their clear threat of rape.

“No, I’m not,” Roier said. “I shouldn’t have said those things. I knew you aren’t thinking clearly. I should have taken a break and had an adult conversation with you. I wasn’t even here for you. It was Pac who got you off the roof.”

“You were right,” Cellbit repeated firmly. “That I’m doing more harm than good.” Cellbit is still pulled over Baghera but he goes at the tug of a chain around his neck. Most of his time over her is spent licking at her wounds but sometimes he’s prompted to do more. Lets the words that he wants to hear fall from his lips instead. It’s a give and take and he let Baghera hurt him back just to make him feel something. “Good girl, maninha. Such a good girl. Just like that.”

“She’s a very obedient toy, isn’t she? Very well behaved. I told you that she would listen.”

“You don’t,” Roier promised. “I shouldn’t have told you that.” He ran his hand up and down his back and sighed. “I know, I hear it already. There’s truth in someone’s anger. I’m frustrated right now, that’s all. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that it’s…” Roier blew air out his lips. “What I meant, what I should have said, is that you’re not getting any better. And that you need take time to get help for yourself. That’s what I should have said. That’s not what I did.”

“He wanted me to rape her,” Cellbit whispered. He felt the way Roier paused under him. “He put her to sleep. I’m not sure how but she was asleep and dragged me fighting and snapping on top of her anyways.”

“Did you-”

“I said no.” It made his skin crawl. The Watcher said he could take advantage of his toy anytime he wanted. Make her hurt in all the ways that he could think of. To take his anger out on the world on her. “That’s what landed us in the arena, I’m sure of it. I don’t… I blacked out between then.”

“So you have no idea,” Roier whispered back. “No idea if he made you do it anyway.”

“When we woke in the arena, she didn’t remember a thing,” Cellbit answered. “But she was sore all over. I don’t know. I really don’t know. We didn’t have time to talk about it. We had to fight after that. I don’t know how long we were in there.”

“And no one came to get you,” Roier breathed out. “You probably would have died in there if Richas and Pomme didn’t come to save you.”

“We would have. Baghera was already dying from an infection. Mine had just started.”

Roier was silent. Cellbit hated that more. “That’s why you freaked out on Phil,” He finally said. “Because you were afraid.”

“I’m not afraid,” Cellbit snapped back immediately. Because afraid means getting hurt. Means someone taking advantage and getting into your head and messing with your deepest fears. And Cellbit isn’t. But he’s felt weak and small and terrified since he couldn’t stop it the first time. Felt the guilt curl in his chest and his stomach and in his dreams ever since he hurt her.

“Gatinho, you’re terrified,” Roier whispered gently. A hand brushed through his hair and Cellbit leaned into it. “You’re terrified of losing her, aren’t you? He did something to you. He made you do something, I don’t know what. I can see it. You’re terrified of losing her because he did something when you couldn’t see her. Is that why you freaked out on Phil? Because if you can’t see her, he’ll do something.”

Baghera is still distracted. Cellbit can’t get her attention. He really just wanted to hear her tell him she was fine.

“She didn’t do well enough in the hunt,” Cellbit whispered. “And we wouldn’t kill each other. He only needed one dog and Baghera needed my help navigating the hunt.” Roier hummed to show he was listening but he didn’t speak. If he spoke, Cellbit was sure that he’d never finish what he was trying to say. “So when I wouldn’t kill her, he gave me her instead. Called her a toy. Tried to get me to hurt her, use her, something. I don’t know. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt my sister so we had a game instead. Race to find her first. I never got there in time. I’d kill them to get them away. She was cut open and you could stick your hand in her and-“ He can’t talk. Not without seeing it. He brought her back with those annoying organs peeking out where someone wanted to find out what they looked like on the outside and sat at her side while they fixed her up. “And I know I wouldn’t be there fast enough anymore. So I gave in.”

“She’s safe here,” Roier promised. “You’re safe here but Baghera is definitely safe here. Not knowing what was happening to her had to be terrifying. Did you feel like… like if you didn’t find her fast enough, it was your fault?”

“The longer I took, the more she’d get hurt,” Cellbit replied.

“That’s why you freaked out on Phil,” Roier explained. Like he needed to confirm it to himself. “Because if you can’t get to her fast enough, you’ll be responsible for whatever happens.”

Hearing it out loud sounded silly now. Obviously, none of the residents would hurt her. Phil wasn’t taking her from him so that she’d hurt. Phil wouldn’t do that. “I never knew what I would find. I just wanted it to stop. She doesn’t remember it at all. Doesn’t remember any of it happening so I try so hard to let her go but I can’t.”

“Okay. We’ll figure something out,” Roier replied. “And I am sorry. For the fight.”

“I’m sorry too,” Cellbit said. Maybe he does know what love is. It’s the quiet comfort of recognizing his husband’s hoodie and the deodorant he uses. It’s the way that the words just tumbled off his tongue and Roier didn’t call him crazy for it. “And for being on the roof.”

“You haven’t slept in three days,” Roier sighed. “You’re not thinking straight at all. You’re hallucinating. I think I get why you don’t sleep. If that’s what you had to deal with.” Cellbit hummed and breathed in again. He just wished that he could get it out of his head. “Pac’s still downstairs with Richarlyson. They’re pretty worried about you.”

“Baghera’s-“

“I know. I’ll message Pierre and ask him to escort her back here, if that will make you feel better,” Roier said. “She’s safe, though. No one’s going to hurt her here.”

“Phil’s going to take her.”

“It’s okay, gatinho. We’ll figure it out. I promise that she’s going to be okay,” Roier promised. “Let’s go downstairs and see Richarlyson. We can talk more then. Richas was worried about you.”

Cellbit didn’t want to move. He’s so tired of everything. His head hurts and he’s terrified of something bad hurting them. Sometimes he wished that he could forget it all and start over. “I think I need to sleep.”

“Do you want to sleep on the couch?”

It’s not a bad idea. At least he’ll be around the others and he won’t be alone. He swore that he was going to pass out. Flashbacks and panic attacks and anxiety was exhausting.

“I never finished talking to Pac,” Cellbit mumbled. He was too tired. He was going to fall asleep here. In Roier’s arms. He knew that Roier would keep an eye out for Baghera. He knows why now. This forced power dynamic that Cellbit wished he’d never been required to participate in. He was exhausted of it all.

“He’ll understand,” Roier agreed. “You can talk to him and Richas later if you want to sleep now.” He went to move but Cellbit whined. Roier settled again and kissed the top of his head. “Okay. Shh. It’s okay. Go ahead. You can fall asleep right here.” Cellbit’s eyes were already closed. He can practically hear Baghera’s labored breathing in his ear, but Roier hummed gently and rubbed his back.

It was comforting enough that Cellbit was asleep in moments.

Chapter Text

The next day, Roier made a group chat. Four hours later, Jaiden and Bagi were sat on the couch of his home. Cellbit sat on the floor in front of the chair Roier had selected as his own and Baghera curled up in her own chair, plucking at the baby feathers in her wings.

“Is Phil coming?” Bagi asked, folding her legs underneath her.

“He’s not invited,” Cellbit responded quickly. Far too quickly. Jaiden made a small sound of surprise.

“Why isn’t he invited?” Baghera asked. Perhaps the realization that Baghera didn’t know the reasoning behind it either made the meeting that much more serious.

“Because of reasons that Cellbit will share,” Roier said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I want Phil to come, but I want Cellbit to talk more.”

“Cellbit doesn’t even talk to me,” Baghera huffed. She curled up further and tucked the blanket around her. She dropped a few baby feathers from her hand to the floor. “He doesn’t share. He hates me, actually. He wants me dead.”

“Baghera, shut the fuck up,” Cellbit replied with half of a laugh. “I don’t think it’s that important.”

“Gatinho, you tried to kill yourself. Yesterday,” Roier deadpanned.

“What the fuck?” Bagi snapped.

“And he was unsuccessful,” Baghera lamented. More feathers fell to the ground. “Just like always. We’re not allowed to die.” She reached back up to pull at more feathers before Jaiden grabbed her hand to make her stop.

“Not unless we kill each other,” Cellbit hummed in some sort of fucked up joke. Baghera grinned and her grip tightened around Jaiden’s hand.

“And I’m already dead,” Baghera agreed. Bagi made eye contact with Roier and that did enough of the talking for them. Some sort of therapy group. Some safe place to talk about everything that was going wrong, but this? This isn’t great. It’s not a great place for any of them to start, especially them.

It is a start.

“I can’t help but feel like Phil should be here,” Bagi continued. “He’s been here since the start and he is the first person you call for Sept so it feels strange that he wasn’t invited.”

“I said I wouldn’t come if Phil was here,” Cellbit deadpanned. “I’m not talking to him right now and we’re not letting him watch Sept. The only reason I’m not pissed off out of my mind is because I actually got some sleep.”

“I want him here,” Baghera offered with a shrug. She dropped Jaiden’s hand to pull at her feathers before Jaiden batted her hand away and moved to sit closer, catching both Baghera’s hands in one of her own.

“Cut it out,” Jaiden said softly. “You’re hurting yourself.” Baghera whined briefly, tilting her head against the back of the chair and Cellbit shot up, searching for her face. Eye contact. Something. Baghera was slower with her response but she did look back and the whole dynamic between them was starting to make a whole lot more sense.

“Baghera?” Roier asked. Baghera was hesitant to break her eye contact but she glanced over, wrist twisting in Jaiden’s hand.

“Mhm, I know. I’m here,” She said with a smile. “Just disappointed because I want to know why Phil isn’t coming because I like him.”

“I stand by what I said,” Bagi said. “I feel like he should be here.”

“He did apologize, Gatinho,” Roier mumbled, running his fingers through Cellbit’s hair. “He did say he was sorry for what happened.”

“I don’t know, man, I’m just here,” Jaiden said with a shrug. “I do have a question. What is Sept?” Baghera flinched back, hostile, and pulled her hands back from Jaiden’s.

“She doesn’t know?” Bagi blinked.

“Why the fuck would she know?” Cellbit snapped slightly. 

“Okay, enough,” Roier said, waving his hand to get everyone’s attention. “No one can get angry with each other because everyone’s already pissed off and has already set each other off. Bagi’s the only one who wasn’t here yesterday. Jaiden, don’t touch her. Please.” Jaiden pulled back from where she’d been holding out her hand to hold Baghera’s again.

“Did I-“

“She’s fine,” Cellbit said, waving off whatever Jaiden was going to say. “Give her a minute. She’s fine.”

“I’m sorry,” Jaiden frowned. She shifted back on the armrest of the chair Baghera was curled up in. Baghera was back to picking at her wings, staring off at the ground. “I didn’t mean to trigger her again.”

“Jaiden, it’s fine,” Roier said. “It happens. A lot. She’ll be fine. Everyone needs to breathe. Does anyone want something to drink? I’ll get some drinks. Cellbit, come back with me.” He rose to his feet and dragged Cellbit out. Bagi was quick to follow behind.

“Jaiden shouldn’t be here if she doesn’t know,” Bagi said softly. “Isn’t the point of having a conversation about all this is talking about all of this? We can’t do that if she doesn’t know.”

“It’s not our place to tell.” Cellbit brushed her off. “That’s Baghera’s decision.”

“You told us,” Bagi pointed out.

“With a list Baghera approved,” Roier agreed. “If she does want Jaiden to know, she will tell us. Jaiden has to be here because she’s part of the shit that went down yesterday. I almost invited Pac. He knows about the soulmate thing and nothing else.”

“Okay, but we can’t just-“ Bagi started before shaking her head. “Honestly, Cellbo, what has got into you?”

“If you mean how I’ve always been, then I have bad news for you,” Cellbit shot back with a glare. “I have always been like this.”

”Are you actually fighting with Phil or are you picking fights?”

Cellbit turned on his heel and narrowed his eyes. “You want to know what happened to me? Is that what you’re asking? Because I don’t know if you could handle that. I don’t think you could.”

”I’m not as weak as you think,” Bagi snapped back. Roier raised an arm between the two of them, a can of soda in his hand.

”That’s enough,” He hummed. “You need to take a deep breath, gatinho. Not everyone is out to get you right now. Bagi, please, we’ve got this handled. Jaiden will know if and when Baghera wants her to know. There’s nothing we can do about it. It’s her call to make. We just have to deal with it as it comes up. We will take it at the pace that Baghera has set. We’ll just avoid the topic as much as we can.”

”I still think this is stupid,” Cellbit sighed, pulling a drink down from the shelf and reaching for his coffee.

”For me, amor,” Roier said softly. “Just do it for me. I can’t stand holding everything all on my own anymore.”

“It’s just going to be harder this way,” Bagi sighed. “I’m not trying to be difficult. I just don’t want to accidentally tell Jaiden something she’s not supposed to know. It would help if we actually knew what we were going to talk about.”

”I don’t know,” Cellbit huffed slightly. “I don’t want to talk.”

“You never want to talk,” Roier pointed out. “I want you to talk. I think it’ll be good for you. You should tell them about the conversation you had with Phil because something about that doesn’t feel right to me.”

“I’m not talking to Phil,” Cellbit insisted again. 

“I’ll talk to Phil,” Bagi offered. “If we have to. He seemed fine yesterday when I talked to him.”

Cellbit went to snap back something else, but turned on his heel instead, heading back into the living room. Roier sighed and shook his head.

“He… said that Phil told him that he was not helping anyone and that Phil was going to take Baghera. I don’t know,” Roier sighed. “It really freaked him out though.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And I’m only telling you because he didn’t want anyone to know about it, but especially not now. And not you.”

“I don’t understand him,” Bagi sighed. “He trusts me with Sept and he wants nothing to do with me.”

“Between us,” Roier mumbled. “I think he was hoping to scare you off. It didn’t so now he doesn’t know what to do. I think he’s coming around to you though.”

“He wanted to scare me off?” Bagi took a step back, tossing that around in her head. “That was… incredibly reckless.”

“He’s not exactly rational most of the time right now,” Roier shrugged. “I think he knew you wouldn’t have hurt Baghs and she trusts you too so there wasn’t any real harm.”

“What are we even supposed to be doing today?” Bagi sighed, shaking her head. She brushed her bangs from her face. “I feel… lost and confused.”

“I need a support group,” Roier said. He tilted his head back to look out the window. Like he was embarrassed to be speaking on this right now. “I don’t expect Baghera or Cellbit to say much. Half the time, they hardly speak to me about anything. They’ve trapped themselves in some sort of cycle and don’t feel safe enough to break out of it. Something like that. Anything like that. I need a place to talk about the things that are bothering me. I need people to give me ideas of what to do. I don’t have much hope for them, not now, but I’m hoping that some day they’ll find us safe enough to trust with what happened. This is for me.”

“I don’t see any harm with it,” Bagi shrugged her shoulders. “If you burn yourself out, you can’t help anyone else.”

“I feel burned out. I feel lost. I don’t know what to do. It hasn’t been this bad since Bobby-“ He stopped, staring out the window. He turned back a moment later and grinned with tight lips, a tear in the corner of his eye. “I’m tired, that’s all. We don’t sleep. Pepito is up every night we have him and Richarlyson panics when things are out of his control. I’m sure I’d be fine if I got some sleep, but-“

“You’re trying to fix a broken family,” Bagi pointed out. “And you haven’t given up like I have. You’re burnt out. We’re supposed to be a team though.”

“Doesn’t feel like one,” Roier mumbled.

“And we have therapy for it.” She gestured back to the room behind them. “And we need Phil in on it too so the first thing is getting Cellbo to talk.”

“Yeah, good luck.” He chuckled and set a few sodas on a tray. “He would hardly talk to me yesterday. I think I only got anything out of him because he was having a moment.”

“He’ll be fine. Something is up with Phil though. I swear I’ve seen his kids home alone.”

“You’ve what?”

Roier paused in the doorway and turned back to face her. Bagi didn’t know Phil as well as she probably should but she knew immediately that something was off.

“I swear I’ve seen Chayanne and Tallulah home alone. For a couple of days. I stopped over to check on them and Chayanne answered. He wouldn’t let me in. Said Phil was sleeping and I didn’t think anything of it until Cellbit and you said something was off.”

“Okay, so he’s not crazy,” Roier said. Then, he frowned and corrected himself. “I mean, Cellbo’s not crazy. I just thought that maybe he was… like… it was exaggerated to him. That the situation was an odd one, but Cellbo took it the wrong way because he was having a bad day.”

“He’s not one to leave his kids.”

“No. And he’s not one to say something like that to Cellbit either. Look, I’m not expecting Baghs or Cellbo to say much. I don’t think they’ll trust anyone with any of that right now. I get small pieces that they can spit out in select moments. They let it eat them alive because they don’t know how to do anything else. But I think that having a support group is a good thing. Especially if we can get Phil here.”

“I think it’d be nice to have a support group,” Bagi agreed. “You’re not hearing a complaint from me.”

The second they stepped back into the living room with the sodas, something felt different. Not good, not bad, just different. Baghera was curled up in her seat yet again, slightly more relaxed than before, but with an unplaced confusion and hesitation. Cellbit sat a few feet away, looking like he wanted to fix everything himself again and Jaiden was… concerned.

“Oh, hey,” Jaiden said, looking over. “They, uh, told me.”

“I didn’t want to,” Baghera mumbled, head dropping in her hands. “Mastermind did it.”

“Mastermind is being a downright bitch recently,” Roier commented slowly and hoped that was what Baghera wanted to hear.

“As far as I know, they are still around,” Cellbit said, shifting in his chair. Like he wanted to do something. Roier knew where that was coming from. The slight annoyance and concern that has come with it previously had disappeared now that he recognized it for what it was, a trauma response, rather than what he’d thought it was before, an attempt at control and a reaction to distrust. “They made it clear I won’t like them.”

“They’re being a bitch,” Baghera huffed. “I only know they’re around and it’s them because Cellbit can tell based on how they think. Other than that, they don’t want me to know or understand anything.”

“So we have a cheat code with Cellbit, is what I’m hearing,” Roier agreed. “He can help you piece together who’s around.”

“How does that work?” Jaiden asked slowly. When she reached for Baghera’s nervous hands again, the ones that were raking through her wings again, Baghera gladly took them.

“Soulmate thing,” Cellbit shrugged. “You can see how that person thinks. Or, like, you just know? Because Baghera thinks in words on a screen. Like captions. The mastermind thinks in… this… like… the mastermind is like a voice, I think? Echoes. Feels… I don’t know how to explain it.”

“They are different,” Baghera agreed. “So that helps with knowing who is who. I don’t think they are still… I can’t explain.”

“It’s fine,” Roier waved it off. “You don’t have to. We don’t have to know anything. The point of today is having a therapy group. Cellbo’s going first.”

“No I’m fucking not,” Cellbit hissed, retreating to sit by Roier again. “I’ll leave.” Roier chuckled and pulled him closer.

“Why do you call them the mastermind?” Jaiden asked, turning to Baghera. “Do they have a name?” Baghera opened her mouth, as if to answer, and stopped halfway through. Her eyes darted in Cellbit’s direction.

“We don’t know if they have a name,” Cellbit answered for her. “They tend to like to control things, especially when it comes to things Baghera can and can’t do and can and can’t say.”

“I think they’re trying to help,” Baghera shrugged helplessly. “Feels more like they’re trying to sabotage me though. They aren’t very helpful and kinda mean.”

“They aren’t great at communication,” Cellbit supplied. “So it’s just… frustrating, right now, I think.”

“Okay,” Jaiden frowned, leaning back against the back of her chair. “I think I get it?”

“You’ll catch on pretty quick,” Roier shrugged. “But we should at least talk about why Phil wasn’t invited to therapy group, gatinho.”

Cellbit, for his part, looked like he’d rather be anywhere else. Bagi settled down in her original spot of the couch, sipping out of her can like she didn’t know what else to do. Baghera, curled up with a blanket and with hands that wanted to be tearing her wings apart, instead let Jaiden run her fingers up and down the backs of them instead.

“He… told me I was making everything worse,” Cellbit mumbled, dropping his head. “That I’m harming myself and Baghera and that… well, yeah, I’m making everything worse.”

“That doesn’t sound like Phil,” Jaiden said. “At all. He’s Phil.”

“I’m not being harmed,” Baghera spoke up with a shrug. “I’m fine.”

“Exactly. You’re not. He was wrong,” Roier agreed. “You’ve been managing really well. Tell them the other thing.”

“I’m not telling them the other thing,” Cellbit insisted quickly. He leaned back in his seat again, averting his gaze to literally anywhere else.

“You can tell them the other thing or I will tell them the other thing. Because it’s not like Phil at all,” Roier said. Cellbit opened his mouth to speak before his lips pressed closed and he closed himself off more.

Baghera frowned. “Oh… Cellbo…” She started. “You know that won’t happen. I won’t let it happen.”

“What? What happen?” Jaiden blinked, confused. “Wait, I’m not fully caught up on this whole soulmate thing. I’m confused.”

“He told Cellbit that he was going to take Baghera,” Roier answered. “That it would be safer and more beneficial and that he’s better with Sept anyways.”

“Which he’s not,” Cellbit hissed. “Because Sept only ever wants me. She doesn’t ask for anyone else. It’s only ever me.”

“You and Elena,” Baghera mumbled with a slight grin. Another shit eating grin like she was talking about something she shouldn’t be.

“Why does she ask for Elena?” Jaiden asked. She tilted her head to the side but Baghera immediately jumped back, hand tearing free to silence her.

“Oh, fuck, Jaiden, we don’t say the name,” Roier whispered quickly. “Fuck, sorry. We learned pretty quickly that it’s a trigger.”

“I’m sorry!” Jaiden’s eyes were wide. “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Baghera hissed. “It’s okay. I don’t know why I can say it. Probably because I’m not allowed to talk to Sept. I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things.”

“We should get Jaiden a list or something,” Bagi said. She set her drink down. “But from what we know, and what Phil got out of her, she used to be the head of the program that experimented on Baghera. She was in charge of her. So it seems like Sept is very attached to her. Considers her to be some sort of mother. In some messed up way.”

“She was what?” If Jaiden could look more shocked and confused, she probably would. Unfortunately, she seemed to have met her limit. “Holy shit. She is? She’s in charge of that?”

“I don’t… want to get into it right now,” Baghera mumbled. “It’s just a lot. But there’s no way I’m staying with Phil. It wouldn’t work. He knows that. He’s not going to take me. I just got my own room.”

“No, he was serious,” Cellbit argued. “He seemed pretty serious about it. So he’s not invited and he won’t be allowed to babysit anymore.”

“I swear that I’ve seen his kids home alone,” Bagi said. “Something seems off with him. Something’s not right. Whenever Chayanne and Tallulah come over, there’s something wrong with them.”

“What? Like he just leaves them alone?” Jaiden asked. “That’s not like him at all. He’s never been like that. Never let Chayanne on his own… ever, even from the start when the island wasn’t so dangerous.”

“It hasn’t been so dangerous here,” Baghera pointed out. “Less monsters trying to kill everyone. Especially the kids.”

“But the Feds have been acting strange. I wouldn’t put it past them to have something happening,” Roier continued. “Jaiden’s right, though. He’s never been one to leave his kids alone. Ever. That’s super strange. Something just feels wrong.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want him anywhere near us right now,” Cellbit insisted again. Baghera held her hands up to surrender.

“Fine, okay, I’ll lock myself in my room and never leave,” She huffed sarcastically. “But, like, it doesn’t make sense for him to be mean. I won’t go.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Bagi agreed. “It’s odd. I don’t think I like it.”

“Think? I know. I know I don’t like it. Why would he overstep like that?” Roier asked. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“Do we have an agenda or are we just going to keep talking about things I don’t want to talk about,” Cellbit said, turning towards Roier slightly. “Because I already said my piece on that. He’s not invited. I don’t want him around. He’s not babysitting. I don’t want Richas or Pepito there either.”

“Okay, now I think you’re overreacting,” Baghera said. She tugged at her blanket. “He can’t have been that serious about it. He might have just been trying to help.”

“He wasn’t trying to help, he was serious.” There’s anger in Cellbit’s voice when he snapped. Baghera didn’t flinch but she did tilt her head up to meet his eyes. “He meant it. He said that I was making things worse and that I am failing you.”

“Why is Baghera your responsibility? She’s an adult? She can take care of herself,” Jaiden pointed out. Baghera made some vague gesture over to Jaiden.

“Thank you! I’m fine. I don’t need to move. I live here because I want too,” Baghera answered. “He can’t make me go anywhere. You know I won’t leave. You’re overreacting.”

“He’s not overreacting,” Roier jumped in quickly, a hand coming up to silence whatever biting remark Cellbit wanted to make. “He’s paranoid and concerned. There’s a difference. That’s a trauma response. Same way you shut down. But you’re also right. You are an adult. You don’t need to be babysat. So it’s your choice, which you have already made.”

“Not a trauma response, guapito,” Cellbit huffed under his breath. He stared down at the floor like he could burn a hole through it. “I’m fine.”

“Gatinho, you’re terrified,” Roier answered confidently. “And that’s fine. You can be terrified. You’ve been coping with it just fine for now. You’re not overreacting though.”

“Is this about that thing again,” Baghera sighed. “Because I honestly don’t remember it. At all. I don’t remember any of it.”

“That’s why I’m not telling you what to do,” Cellbit defended. “You can make your choice, I don’t give a shit, so long as it’s not fucking Phil.”

“I am… not following,” Jaiden frowned.

“Neither am I,” Bagi agreed.

“No one is,” Roier finished. The silence persisted after a moment, whatever conversation Baghera and Cellbit were having appeared to be finished through their bond. Neither looked satisfied with the conclusion of it.

“Uh, okay, new topic,” Jaiden started. “I’m a Federation experiment as well.”

Cellbit’s attention snapped over. “You’re what?”

“A Fed experiment,” Jaiden repeated. “I grew up in the Federation building too. I knew Baghera when we were little.”

“I hardly remember that,” Baghera sighed. “Little pieces. I wanted to be her.”

“I wanted to be her,” Jaiden said. “So badly. I remembering thinking that Baghera was so cool.”

“Yeah, this is so cool,” Baghera chuckled to herself. “Hardly functioning coherently is super cool and fun. I loved spending my childhood getting cut open without anesthetics.”

“You were what?” Bagi sputtered. “I’m sorry, you were what?”

“Oh, we haven’t told you?” Roier frowned, running his hand through his hair. “I could have sworn everyone knew the situation.”

“No? I think I would remember being told that.”

“Surprise.” Baghera had the same grin again. “Happy birthday.”

“That’s fucked up,” Bagi said. “That’s really fucked up.”

“I feel like it’s only going to get worse,” Jaiden shrugged. “But yeah, I was a Fed experiment. It was… nothing like that, though.” She vaguely gestured over to Baghera. “I mean, it had some aspects but it wasn’t… like that. Like, I wasn’t cut open without any anesthesia or anything.”

“That was solely a me thing, I think,” Baghera grinned, pulling her knees up to her chest again. “Pretty fucking cool. Wish it gave me superpowers, you know? Instead I still bitch about pain like a normal person.”

“No, that’s not cool?” Bagi sputtered. “So both of you are experiments?”

“Pretty much,” Jaiden nodded. “There’s probably others too. Definitely people who live here. It seems like they wanted to keep everyone together.”

“And you didn’t tell us this before?” Cellbit asked. “Because this is big information. It can help with figuring out what the fuck they want from us.”

“It’s also my fucking life?” Jaiden raised an eyebrow. “My childhood?”

“Fair point,” Cellbit answered slowly. “But… okay, can I ask questions then?”

“Ask away!” Jaiden grinned. “Pretty sure that’s the point of a therapy group, or something.”

“Do you know why they experimented on you?” With the focus finally off of Baghera, for once in her life recently, she relaxed back against the chair behind her, picking at the blanket around her legs. Felt like she was the star of the show who needed the most supports when she was finally getting to the point of functioning again. Where Cellbit’s facade was finally starting to fall apart.

If one could call what she had functioning. She did sleep all on her own five times now.

“Not a clue. I’ll assume it had something to do with avians though because they were constantly poking me with needles and doing scans and shit like that, you know?”

“And the fact that we’re avians,” Baghera hummed.

“Something like that. I honestly don’t know. I mostly just remember playing outside and in this specific room, mostly with her.” Jaiden gestured to Baghera again. “And boring doctor visits and scans and flavored Tylenol. Which is why I think I had such a bad reaction to Bobby’s, now that I think about it.”

Roier lit up immediately. “Oh! Yeah. You couldn’t stand the smell of it.”

“I have a meltdown, for the record,” Baghera shrugged. “I’ll assume it’s along the same lines.”

“Either way,” Jaiden said, turning back to Cellbit. “The one thing that I know, I absolutely know, was terrifying was one event. Literally just the one. I was telling Roier about it yesterday.”

Cellbit hummed under his breath, gaze focused on the spot just next to Jaiden. “You’re younger than Baghera, yeah? I wonder if it has anything to do with how much they actually knew at the time.”

”It does,” Baghera answered quickly. “It had to. Because it’s the only thing that makes sense. They were testing things on us. New ideas. It had to work before they did it on anyone else.”

”I like this less and less,” Bagi sighed with a shake of her head. “Do you know why?”

”Genetic work,” Baghera frowned. She tilted her head slightly. “Instincts. Work on what makes an avian, an avian. What makes something human.”

”How do you know that?” Jaiden blinked. “How do you even remember that?”

”I don’t… I just know that,” Baghera frowned. “I don’t know…” She stared at the ground, eyes slowly blinking, distracted. “I mean, it has to be? Because we were an example. We were used as an example and things were repeated. Like, repeatedly done. Like figuring out what works and what doesn’t.”

“So then by the time it came to me, they had already figured most of that out,” Jaiden confirmed slowly. “I mean, yeah, that would make sense. But then why focus on what makes an avian, like, an avian? Because they already had avians.”

“That I don’t know,” Baghera shrugged. “That’s more of a question to ask Phil. He knows more than any of us would.”

“But we’re not talking to Phil,” Cellbit huffed. “Not until we figure out what the fuck that was about and he apologizes and even then, I don’t know.”

“Why aren’t we-“ Baghera started before hesitating. “Okay, yeah, we just won’t know then. It does make me very interested in the kids though.”

“I do want to talk about that,” Bagi said. “Because it made some kind of sense when it was just the English and Spanish speakers. The first batch. The dragon mother story. It’s somewhat believable, although no one ever saw or heard a dragon, right?”

Roier shook his head. “Unless the dragons was somewhere far away and the Feds brought the kids to us. But there was always something off about that story even then.”

“Yeah, Bobby was Bobby,” Jaiden agreed. “But especially in the beginning, he was very… off? Like, I don’t know children very well or how they should act, but I always felt like it wasn’t like that. You can just chalk it up to him being thrown in a new home with a new family though so I never thought more about it.”

“It’s not a believable story,” Cellbit shrugged. “Sure, it could happen, but it’s not likely. Why would a parent who cares for their kids enough to supposedly come back some day leave them behind? Why were Tallulah and Pomme hidden behind the walls? Why was Richarlyson outside? There’s the remains of another adoption center that I found. Sunny, Em, and Pepito were just given to you guys without any explanation or story. Same with Chunsik. They all just showed up. It doesn’t add up. They can't be dragons.”

“I don’t think they are,” Baghera said. “I don’t think they can be. The Feds have a history of experimenting on children.”

“I don’t like that accusation.” Bagi sat back in her chair, stiff.

“No, think about it. It would make sense. Pomme has never once let me help her with her clothes. I’ve helped her with baths and she has always insisted on wearing a shirt. I’ve always thought that was odd but it’s her body, so I never pressed it.” Baghera fiddled with the blanket again. “She was a mess when we first got her. She’s an anxious mess, always trying to control everything and she’ll meltdown if she can’t. Something is wrong, something always has been, but I won’t press it because she’s clearly not ready to talk about it.”

“Richas was in fight or flight for weeks,” Cellbit confirmed. “And not in the ‘my mother left me’ kind of way. He was defensive, wouldn’t let anyone near him unless he initiated, and stared daggers into Cucurucho the first time he saw him. Something has always felt off about it. But he’s Richas. I don’t know how much of it was just personality quirks and a new place. And you already know his struggle with baths.”

“He does have some weird scarring,” Jaiden answered slowly. “I never asked him about it. He seems pretty defensive every time I actually give him a bath, at the start anyway. I don’t want to scar him off, but it is weird.”

“No, it’s weird,” Cellbit sighed. “We’ve all noticed it too. He’s an active kid and a clumsy one at that so it was easy to write it off, but-“ He waved his hand, looking for the words for it. “It’s weird.”

“Em came from Purgatory, so I was willing to write everything off as her being from there, but she does have her strange habits as well,” Bagi agreed.

“And Pepito. Bobby was the same. He was ready to fight anything, in the way that all those kids were at the start,” Roier said. “Something’s not right with them. Like Baghera said, the Feds have a history of experimenting on children. It’s not completely out of the picture.”

“I don’t want it in the picture, is the thing,” Jaiden insisted. “Those are our kids? I don’t want to have any chance that they hurt them at all.”

“It’s looking more and more likely,” Cellbit sighed. “I hate it too, but it would make sense. Especially if the dragon doesn’t exist at all. Those kids don’t show any hint of hybrid features. Ones specifically for a dragon anyway. And given their history, I wouldn’t put it past the Feds. Which, Baghs-“ It took a second for Baghera to look over. “You need to tell Pomme.”

“Oh,” Baghera whispered. Her movement stilled. “I don’t…”

“She already knows something is off,” Cellbit insisted. “She knows something is wrong. She’s come to me crying a few times now, saying that you feel like a stranger. You need to tell her.”

Baghera hesitated. “She knows I’m a stranger.”

“It’s stressing her out. But I didn’t tell you that,” Cellbit shrugged. “She doesn’t want you to know. She doesn’t want to add more to whatever is going on but she already knows.”

“She knows,” Baghera hummed under her breath.

“Pomme’s smart. She’s strong. She can handle it,” Roier promised.

“Yes. She’ll also hate me,” Baghera pointed out. “For everything.”

“I doubt she’ll hate you. It would take a lot to get her to hate you. She’s your daughter. She knows you love her more than anything.”

“And I’ve been nothing but a burden on her and everyone else.”

“Maninha, tell her,” Cellbit insisted. “Because she already knows that you’re a stranger sometimes. She’s just worried.” Baghera sighed, dropping her head in her hands.

“Productive first therapy session,” Roier grinned. “Meet again same time next week?”

“No, I’m not doing this again,” Cellbit answered, rising to his feet. “I’m done. I said my thing.” He slipped into the kitchen and while Baghera didn’t go after him, she also quickly disappeared out of the room and to somewhere else.

“That went well,” Jaiden commented, leaning back in the seat.

“Hey, Baghera told you about the system and Cellbit told you why he hates Phil right now,” Roier defended, raising his hands up. “I call that productive. That’s more than I thought they would do. Cellbit took very little persuasion too!”

“I can’t make it at the same time next week,” Bagi said. “I have Em that day.”

“It’s fine, we can plan another time,” Roier shrugged. “I want to talk to Phil too, see if I can figure out what the fuck that’s about?”

“He was there with his kids before I left,” Bagi shrugged. “I saw him yesterday too. Tallulah’s got the stomach bug or something. He’s not sure what it is.”

“Richas and Pepito just had the stomach flu so I wouldn’t doubt it,” Roier agreed. “Pepito had a moment yesterday when I was trying to give him to Rivers. He might still be getting over it.”

“I don’t want that.” Bagi made a face. Jaiden chuckled.

“Bobby got overdramatic when he had it,” She replied. “Convinced everyone he was going to die. That was super fun to deal with.”

“He was awful when he threw up too,” Roier laughed. “I always told him if he kept it up, no one would wanna hang out with him.”

“Guess I’ll be keeping my distance from everyone from now on,” Bagi grinned. “But just let me know for next week.”

“I will. Or we can get coffee another time.” Roier shrugged his shoulders and stretched over his head. “Either way, I want to just have a little club where we can talk about things we otherwise couldn’t with anyone else. I don’t expect much from Cellbo or Baghera, not for a while. Just that I make them show up.”

“I fear if we don’t make them do things, they wouldn’t ever do anything,” Bagi said.

“No, they wouldn’t. They’ve made a lot of progress and I don’t want to discredit it, but they’ve kinda hit a rut. So they have to attend. I won’t make them do more than that though. I just want people to talk to.”

“Fair enough.” There was the sound of a door from the upstairs and another one soon after it. “People to talk to is nice.”

“I’m glad they have each other,” Roier agreed, gesturing to the noise from upstairs. “I’d like some people to talk to too.”

“Same time next week or something like that,” Jaiden agreed. “I think I need to lay down. I was just told a whole bunch of unexpected information that I’m not one hundred percent sure I fully understand.”

“I’m sure you know just as much as me,” Bagi shrugged. “Which is about as much as everyone else knows.”

“Great, so none of us know what to do.” Jaiden laughed quietly to herself. “Good to know.”

“That’s why I wanted the secret club!” Roier said. “So we can actually talk about it. Baghera is nearly impossible and Cellbit is extremely defensive. And apparently we can’t talk to Phil. Speaking of which, someone needs to check on him because he might not be doing well either.”

“I’m heading that way,” Bagi offered. “He lives across the river from me. I’m there all the time for the Waypoint so I’ll check on him when I get back.”

“Something’s not right. About any of this,” Jaiden said.

“Hasn’t been for a while,” Roier agreed. “Feels like something is about to happen. “It sounds like we have a lot of work to do.”

Phil was just fine when Bagi arrived home. Jaiden spent the night with Baghera, in her own room, and Cellbit didn’t fight sleeping that night.

Progress is progress, no matter how small. At least they had some new interesting things for next week's meeting.