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Chapter Text

Alexandra fucking Cabot was back.

Olivia hadn’t heard from her in six years. She knew she’d never get used to the way the lawyer (ex-lawyer, Olivia had to remind herself) managed to flit in and out of her life in the nearly two decades they’d known each other, but she didn’t expect the wound to feel so fresh, so raw when she caught a glimpse of honey hair and crystal blue eyes.

She’d managed to lock it in a part of her chest she tried not to return to. The same place she kept her mother, Elliott, Casey, everyone who’d ever left her without so much as a word, a call. Hell, she’d have taken a letter with no return address if it kept the wound closed. But over the years, she’d managed to suture it shut – ignoring the way it gaped, itched, ached every time she was reminded of the woman who’d not just turned their case upside down, but her whole life. Every blonde in tailored suits, every pass through the DA’s office, every time she caught a whiff of the expensive perfume that used to linger in every room Alexandra Cabot left. The smell of sandalwood and nutmeg Olivia spent a year trying to pretend still clung to the blazer she’d worn the last time she testified for Alex in court.

But Alex fucking Cabot was back. She was different now– she always was when she’d come back to fill the void in Olivia’s heart that took her shape and only hers. After WITSEC, Alex had come back icier, toughened in a way that made Olivia ache knowing what it must have been covering. After the ICC, she’d come back with a fire under her. Alex had never had a heart that hardened from horror stories– there was a reason she’d lasted so long in SVU– but with one that just beat stronger after each victim, inspired by the ones they helped save and somehow even more motivated after the ones they couldn’t. Everything pushed Alex to be better somehow.

Olivia took note of the big changes of course– anyone else would see the woman who’d lost faith in the career she dedicated her life to, almost lost her life to, and presume this was not the Alex Cabot they’d once known. Olivia knew better– this was the Alex Cabot she’d always known. Strong willed. Powerful. Determined to the death to save the women who came to her for help.

The change Olivia’s heart was stuck on was the missing scent of sandalwood and nutmeg. No, Alex was no longer dressed in court suits or dabbing her wrists with professional smelling perfumes. Now, the scent of honeysuckle and plum invaded Olivia’s nostrils, soft like the knit sweater adorning the blonde’s body, soft in a way Olivia never knew Alex to be.

“I can’t believe after all these years, you still can’t handle someone disagreeing with you over a case, Olivia!” The blonde nearly shouted. “Grow up! Not everything can be fixed by following the rules– or did you forget the shit you used to pull and leave me to drag you out of?”

“You think this is about a disagreement ?” Olivia’s voice got louder. “I’d do fucking anything to be fighting with you in the bullpen again. You know, when I used to think about just giving up, I’d still drag myself out of bed to argue logistics with you because it made me feel alive. I don’t fucking care that you don’t agree on how to handle this – I care that you left me. Again .”

Alex didn’t respond to that one. It wasn’t often Olivia left her speechless, but as her rage continued to build, she couldn’t even delight in the satisfaction. “I almost let it break me when you left for the first time, but I didn’t. I knew you would have done anything to come back. But the second time? You had a choice. You just didn’t choose me .”

Olivia didn’t even realize she’d started to pace, all of the anger she’d hidden away for years bubbling inside of her, threatening to burst as she kept ranting. “And this time? You pulled everything I thought I knew out from under me. Everything I knew about you, everything I knew about us . I don’t care that you needed to leave your job, but there was nothing making you leave me .”

Alex seemed to get her head back at that, stepping closer to Olivia, grabbing her arm to stop her pacing. “You don’t have a clue what it means not to be chosen, Olivia!” She shouted back. “I spent twelve goddamn years sick over you, just to watch you choose Stabler again and again. You think that didn’t hurt? That a married man was more appealing than me, even when he disappeared on you?”

Olivia yanked her arm away, but didn’t continue the pacing. She swore she could have burst into flames at that moment. “You don’t know the first thing about me and Elliot.” Her voice was quieter now. It was almost scarier than the yelling. “He was my partner , Alex. He was the only person who I thought would never up and leave me, as naive as that looks now. By the time I could finally drag myself out of bed without praying he’d be sitting there at my desk with coffee and a case in the morning, the only person I wanted to tell was you, Alex. But you left too. Without a word to explain where you were going.”

She wouldn’t even meet Alex’s eyes anymore– she didn’t know if she’d cry or scream or just collapse. All she knew was the white hot fire licking at the love she’d had to bury without a funeral. “Nothing you did to me was fair, Alex. You quit your job without a word. You changed your number, god, you went completely off the grid without so much as a thought toward what that would do to me.” Olivia’s voice broke on her last sentence. She didn’t want to cry. She never wanted to cry in front of Alex again. “And then… and then all these years later, you’re just here , right when I’m finally starting to feel something other than numb again.”

The tears were flowing freely now, and she felt the blonde step closer into her space, making Olivia look up. Tears welled in the blonde’s eyes, threatening to fall. Olivia hadn’t seen her cry since she’d “died” a lifetime ago. She hadn’t let Alex see her cry in just as many years.

“I didn’t think you wanted me around at all,” she half whispers, and Olivia feels her heart shatter as the tears in Alex’s cerulean eyes breach containment, slipping down her cheeks. “I… I thought it was best if I left without a word. I hadn’t felt so lost since Wisconsin. I couldn’t bring you into that. I couldn’t put that on you.”

Another round of tears slip down Olivia’s cheeks, clinging to her jaw, the taste of saltwater invading her mouth. “Don’t you get it, Alex?” Her voice is near a whisper now. “I loved you. You were the one who decided I wasn’t worth staying for.”

All of the tension, the rage, the fear, the shock at having been pulled back into each other's orbits after over half a decade shatters. The room is silent aside from their own heartbeats in their ears when blue eyes meet brown and Alex places a cold hand on Olivia’s face, wiping away hot tears with her thumb.

Neither know who leans forward first, just that the taste of bitter resentment fades into desperation as their lips lock. Olivia moves to deepen the kiss, but instead of opening her lips, Alex pulls away.

“I’m sorry, Liv.”

Olivia’s heart breaks yet again at the words she’s been waiting to hear for years. The words she prayed would grace her ears every time she opened her voicemail, the words she heard in dreams that left her chest aching when she woke up alone in bed.

“I don’t even think I can put it into words how badly you hurt me, Lex,” Olivia whispers. Both of them are still crying, but nothing can pull Olivia’s eyes away from Alex. Not after all these years. She tries to relay years of anger, of sadness, of desperation into her eyes, knowing that the only thing they’re really showing is pleading. Begging Alex to stay, just this one time.

“I know,” Alex tells her, removing her hand from Olivia’s cheek only to have warm fingers wrap around her wrist.

“Don’t pull away from me again,” Olivia begs. “I don’t think I can handle it.”

“I know,” Alex repeats. “I know. I’m sorry.”

They stand there in silence for what could have been five seconds, or maybe another five years. All Olivia knows is that her heart stops with Alex’s responding plea.

“ Take it out on me then, Liv. It’s okay.”

Chapter Text

“Alex–”

Olivia was shocked at Alex’s suggestion. Not just the concept of Olivia taking out her rage on her– though it was a surprise, given the circumstances that had brought them back together– but the fact that Alex would want her to. The fact that she understood.

“I know, I know,” Alex said. It was her turn to start pacing. “But I want you. I’m choosing you. I’m sorry it took me so long to.”

Olivia grabbed Alex, pulling her in to stop her pacing. Alex stared at her with those dime sized pupils and it took all of Olivia’s self control not to kiss her again right then and there.

They held eye contact for long enough that it would have made either of them uncomfortable were it literally anyone else. But with the two of them, it felt like staring into each other's souls. Staring into their own souls, just reflected back at each other.

“I’m choosing you, Olivia,” Alex repeated, trying to let the words sink in, soothe Olivia’s broken heart. “But I need this. So do you. You need to stop letting yourself stew in it.”

“I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you,” Olivia argued weakly, trying to ignore the pull in her gut. It went beyond desire, beyond simple want . Her heart, her soul, the lifeblood coursing through her veins always pulled her back to Alex, no matter how long she was gone for.

“I’m not going to break. I want this. I want you,” Alex assured her. “Take it out on me, Liv. Let me give you somewhere to put all of that hurt. I can take it. I want to take it.”

“I…” Olivia couldn’t figure out what to say. She didn’t know she needed this until Alex brought it up– the pull toward her was more than just lonely horniness, more than just wild urges from her lingering breakup. She wanted this. She needed this. “Give me some time. You’ll still be in town when this case ends?”

“For you, Olivia?” Alex asks. “I’ll be anywhere you need me. I’m not going to run this time.”

***

They’d wrapped up the case two days later. There was a whole lot of paperwork, and it was a miracle Alex had been able to escape the law with her whole Gone Girl operation. Olivia felt awful for how she’d reacted– a younger version of her would have been a lot more understanding. A version who’d never been burned by Alex would have been less reactive.

As Olivia stretched out on her couch, pleased to have a weekend alone with Noah at the McCann’s, she thought about Alex’s words to her.

Take it out on me, Liv.

Let me give you somewhere to put all that hurt.

Olivia wasn’t a stranger to rough sex. She’d had her own phase of exploration, had a time where she needed to escape from a world where sex and violence were inextricably linked and turn all that hurt into something that made her feel good. She also wasn’t a stranger to hooking up with exes– though she regretted it more often than she didn’t.

This wasn’t some booty call with a guy who’s heart she’d broken in two though. This was Alex . No matter how many loves she’d had, Alex was the one who haunted her to this day. She still took her coffee the same way Alex did, still ordered Chinese from the place they’d call when trial prep went later than it should have. Later than it needed to– Olivia would always find a reason to stick around, and Alex would never call her on it.

The more she thought about it, the more the idea intrigued her. She’d had to work past plenty of discomfort when it came to sex– being face to face with sexual trauma day in and day out, whether it was that of a stranger or her own, had given her plenty to work through– but she had never been one to enjoy inflicting pain on anyone else. Taking it, she could do. Her own self flagellation needed an outlet, after all. But hurting another person?

No. Alex wanted this. She’d introduced it herself . It wasn’t hurting her– Olivia would never go even an inch further than the blonde asked her to. She’d never let her own feelings take her too far. Even if this was about working through them – it was about putting all of this pain, this grief, this loneliness outside of her, not causing more of it.

As if she were a mind reader, Alex’s name lit up her phone screen as Olivia worked through it in her mind.

Alex [7:02 PM]: I’m free whenever you are now, Liv. Work is all done for now.

Olivia knew Alex had to speak in vague terms about her job. It wasn’t Olivia’s discomfort with it – that had melted away the moment she realized it was about Alex, not her work – but Olivia didn’t want to be involved in hurting another woman were she to be subpoenaed or questioned in regards to another disappearance. No, the less she knew the better.

Liv [7:03 PM]: Paperwork is finished, and the apartment is empty aside from me.

Alex [7:04 PM]: So I take it you’ve done your thinking?

Liv [7:04 PM]: Plenty.

Liv [7:06 PM]: We need to talk about this though. Come over?

Alex [7:06 PM]: On it. See you in twenty?

Olivia’s heart dropped into her stomach. This was happening.

She responded with a thumbs up emoji and took to frantically pacing her apartment– making sure it was clean, picking up the few things that had piled up as she entered the building only to sleep and make Noah breakfast over the past few days. When the clutter was tidied and everything was in its place, she took her nervous energy to chewing the side of her thumb and pacing up and down the living room.

Alex, ever punctual, showed up exactly twenty minutes later. Her buzzer going had her heart jumping into her throat.

Alex was here. Alex was here . The moment and the woman she’d waited nearly twenty years for was about to be right in her hands.

A knock on her door pulled her out of the dizzying spiral she’d entered. Turning the deadbolt and pulling the door open, she allowed herself to drink in all 5’10 of Alexandra Cabot, standing in her doorway.

“Cozy,” Alex commented, as if this were the most normal interaction she’d ever had. “You gonna let me in?”

Olivia blushed, stammering some apology and allowing the blonde to make her way in.

“We need to talk about this,” Olivia told her, finally getting her head screwed on straight. “Seriously. I want this, but I need us to be on the same page.”

Alex smiled, and Olivia could have died right then and right there. Every time she saw that grin, it washed away every bit of hurt she’d ever felt at the hands of the woman in front of her. “Agreed,” Alex nodded. “But you’ve gotta breathe, Liv. This isn’t going anywhere you don’t want it to. You’re in charge here, in case you’ve forgotten.”

The banter came so easy between the two of them, and so did Olivia’s half-laugh, half-sigh. She drew in a few deep breaths. This may be Alex , but it was still just Alex. Her friend. Her lover. The woman she trusted more than anything in the world.

“I know,” Olivia agreed with her. “But I need to know what you want out of this. I’m a little out of my depth here, if you can’t tell.”

Alex laughed quietly, and the sound made Olivia’s heart soar. “Oh, I can tell,” she shot at her, and Olivia rolled her eyes. “But seriously. I think this will help us both. I need… I need to feel the pain, without running away for once. You need somewhere to put yours. It works out.”

“So is this just… an arrangement?” Olivia questioned, worriedly chewing at her lip. Alex placed one hand in hers, and the other on Olivia’s cheek, pulling her toward the couch and drawing her bottom lip from between her teeth.

The two of them sat down. “The opposite,” Alex assured her. “I don’t want this to be some… quid pro quo. I want it to be us . I don’t want this with anyone else.”

Olivia’s eyes widened, her head tilted. Alex’s hand hadn’t moved from her cheek, and she relaxed into the touch.

Alex took that as the question it was. Is it me you want? Are you really choosing me? Are you going to hurt me again?

“I’ve loved you since the moment I met you, Liv,” she promises. “I’ll do anything to prove it to you. Anything. I want this to give us a chance to come back to each other. To get… everything from these past twenty years out of the way. I want a clean slate, I want to love you like you deserve. I don’t want to run away again.”

Olivia’s eyes shined with tears, and Alex’s mirrored hers. “Can I kiss you?”

In lieu of an answer, Alex pulled Olivia closer. Their lips met, and it was tender. Softer than Olivia had been expecting, with the plans for the night. No, this wasn’t part of any scene, or act – this was them . Alex and Olivia. No forced professionalism, no masks. No sandalwood and nutmeg. No, Alex’s new aroma of honeysuckle and plum, soft and sweet and the real Alex, mixed in the air with Olivia’s ginger and amber. She knew it would cling to her clothes the way she’d always hoped for.

Olivia was the one who reluctantly pulled away this time, not letting it go any deeper. “We need to set some ground rules, Lex,” she whispers, still closer than she’s been to the blonde in a very long time. “I want this. I want you , but I could never forgive myself if I took it too far.”

“I missed you calling me that,” Alex smiled softly, and it was all spring sunshine and fresh air. “But I agree. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

Olivia smiled and pressed another gentle kiss to her lover’s temple, and one to the corner of her mouth. “Limits?”

Alex had to pull herself away, desperate to just kiss Olivia again and again until the sun rose. But that wasn’t what they were here for. No, that could come tomorrow. Tonight was about clearing the slate.

“No anal,” she started, and Olivia had to hold back a chuckle at how Alex could list sex acts with the same straight face she read legal documents with. “I like pain, but no broken skin. And…”

She trailed off. Olivia nudged her, silently asking her to continue.

It was the first time she’d seen her blush all night, but she gave in. “I want to be put in my place. I’m not… easy. I like to brat, to push. But don’t let me get away with it. That’s not what tonight is for.”

“Good,” Olivia offered the smallest amount of praise, and she watched Alex’s blush turn from a light flush to scarlet. She’d tuck that away for later. It wasn’t the time for her to be feeling as feral as she was now, listening to Alex ask her to put her in her place . There was all night for that– right now she needed to ignore the flipping of her stomach and the blood rushing away from her head. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

“What about you?” Alex’s voice is already softer, less sharp and intense than it usually was. Olivia could watch her slowly falling into the headspace she’d occupy tonight, just by talking about it.

“I have scars,” she warned. She liked to get it out of the way as soon as possible– Alex had been gone for a long time, and she couldn’t know how much news she’d seen regarding Olivia’s abduction. Couldn’t let her make assumptions before actually seeing her. “I’ll tell you about them someday, but not tonight. I just want you to know. I’m okay with them being touched, but nothing painful in the area.”

Alex nods. “I heard about that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Liv. Any other triggers I should know about?”

Olivia shook her head, ignoring the apology. She never knew how to respond to those. “Nothing we’ll run into tonight,” she assures her. She’s not sure if Alex still engages in the occasional sneaky cigarette when stressed, but she plans on removing all stress from the ever-tense woman, not contributing to it, so that was a conversation for another day. “What about you? Your scar? No broken skin, but what about bruises?”

Alex doesn’t tense at the mention of her scar. Olivia had noticed the way she carefully dressed in the years after her shooting– no more revealing dresses, even when out to dinner. A fair number of high necked shirts, even in the heat of summer.

“You can touch it, just don’t focus on it. I’m mostly okay with it now, as long as I don’t have to think about it too much,” she explains. “I’d prefer no intentional bruises. Hickeys are okay– they’re more than okay– just nowhere they can be seen. I’d love to show you off, but I don’t want to risk triggering any of my… clients.”

Olivia nods, understanding. “Limits with pain?”

“I like stinging pain,” Alex flushes even darker. “I really like it. You can go hard– I don’t want you to worry about breaking me. I want you to push my limits. Tonight isn’t supposed to be easy on me. Trust me to safeword out if I need to.”

Olivia smirks, at Alex’s blush and her confession. “I trust you,” she assures. “What’s your word?”

“Red,” Alex murmurs, not meeting her eyes, but Olivia is already feeling the effects of the power Alex is handing over. She places a finger under Alex’s jaw, tilting her head up so her wide eyes can meet Olivia’s.

“I need you to look at me, Lex. This doesn’t work if you’re being shy.”

She can see Alex’s throat bob as she swallows. Pretty , she thinks.

“Red,” Alex repeats, slightly more confident. “That’s my word. If I can’t talk, I’ll tap you three times.”

A wolfish grin takes over Olivia’s face. “Good,” she praises, remembering Alex’s reaction earlier. “And good planning on your part. Are you ready? Anything else you need before we start?”

She can see Alex thinking. Olivia appreciates how seriously she’s taking the question– it eases some of her nerves about going too far, knowing Alex is so in tune with her needs.

“Can you kiss me? One last time, and then I’m good.”

Olivia huffs out a little air, an approximation of a laugh. “It won’t be the last time,” she assures. “But I know you’re good.”

Their lips meet softly, Alex’s already parted, and it’s like the air is sucked out of the room. All worries leave their minds as their tongues intertwine, Alex letting out a small whine as Olivia pulls away.

“You ready?” Olivia asks, searching for any apprehension on the blonde’s face. Instead, all she’s met with is complete and utter bliss. Alex nods. “Good,” she adds, leaning in to leave a small bite on Alex’s lower lip, another on her jaw. “I’m not going to go easy on you.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Alex laughs, and it’s so her. It’s so them , Olivia finds herself thinking as she bites down harder where Alex’s throat reaches her jaw– not hard enough to leave a mark, but enough to sting.

Alex whines a little at the sting, and Olivia laughs darkly, feeling herself fall into a headspace she hasn’t found herself in for quite a while. “I never asked you to speak, honey,” she says, leaving an even harder nip a few inches down and Alex rolls her eyes. Olivia catches it as she’s pulling away. Her hand finds itself in Alex’s hair, a sharp tug pulling her head back.

“None of that,” she warns Alex, who simply raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow. Some things never change, Olivia speaks to herself. She meets the reaction with another tug, harder this time, opening Alex’s throat to her as she gasps. “I know you’re a brat, but you’re gonna keep your mouth shut unless I give you a reason to speak tonight. Got it?”

Olivia should have known Alex never backed down from a fight. She should have known that despite finding power in the grip of her blonde locks, in the feeling of soft flesh under her teeth, it would never be so easy to strip the Alexandra Cabot of her own.

“Or what?” Alex shoots back, immediately gasping again at the hard tug in response. Her words don’t match her flush, the way her thighs fall a few inches apart. Olivia catches it all, but doesn’t comment. “That's all you’ve got?”

And it happens, setting off the night ahead.

With the sharp crack of her palm, and a louder whine from Alex, her hand meets the porcelain face in front of her. Alex’s eyes slip closed, but another tug of her hair pulls them open. Olivia raises her eyebrows, checking in, and Alex’s mouth turns from the small ‘O’ shape she’d reacted with into a little smirk.

“I didn’t realize you were rewarding me tonight, Liv,” she snarks. “I’ve seen you hit Stabler harder than that.”

Heart pounding, blood rushing anywhere but her head, eyes on the faint pink mark on Alex’s ivory face, Olivia is ready to go. She’s just grateful to have someone so willing to receive what she didn’t know she’s been waiting ages to give.

Chapter Text

“Liv–” Alex pleads as Olivia pulls her by her wrist, dragging her toward her bedroom. She tries to plant her feet into the ground, but Olivia smirks, knowing that her workouts and experience hauling perps around have made her far stronger than the thin blonde. “Liv, I’m sorry.”

Were it any other situation, with any other person, Olivia would have paused there. But no, Alex had told her what she wanted. What she needed . And Olivia needed it too right now.

“Oh, you will be,” she says cooly. She feels Alex try to plant her feet into the carpeted floor again, and gives a hard tug. Alex tries to pull her wrist back, yank from her grip, but Olivia takes advantage of the way the sudden stop pulls her off balance, grabbing Alex by the hips and shoving her into the wall.

Alex still has so much fight in her eyes, but Olivia is willing to bet it won’t last long. She tries to writhe, shove Olivia off of her, but Olivia is quicker– she grabs Alex’s wrists again, fitting both in one hand, and pins them above her head. She uses her other hand to grip at her jaw, pushes a thigh between her legs, keeping her pinned.

“Liv–”

“Do you remember me telling you to be quiet?” Olivia asks, a mocking tone slipping into her voice. She watches Alex’s eyes go dark as she weakly attempts to pull away again. “You’re going to shut up and take what I give you like a good girl. Or do you want to be punished?”

Alex looks up toward the ceiling, breathing heavily. Olivia squeezes her jaw tighter. “Look at me. I asked you a question,” she commands, drawing Alex’s gaze back down. “Speak.”

Alex whines at the dominant tone in Olivia’s voice, and heat rushes to Olivia’s core. She knows Alex is going to have a few more tricks up her sleeve, but she didn’t expect her submission to feel so delicious.

“I want whatever you wanna give me, Liv,” Alex admits, a pleading tone in her voice. “I’m sorry. I can be good.”

Olivia chuckles darkly. “Slut,” she half whispers, and Alex whines again, hips bucking, seeking out the thigh Olivia has placed just inches below where she wants it most. “Do you want something? Come on, I know you know how to use your words.”

Alex simply whines again, the words not coming to her, her head clouded with the energy of the room. Hallway is more like it– they never even made it to Olivia’s bedroom.

The hand leaves her jaw, and before she knows it, stinging pain is blooming through her face, drawing in a gasp. It’s harder than the last one– not as hard as she can take it, but hard enough to send electricity through the pit of her stomach.

“Liv, please–”

“Please what?” Liv asks, rubbing her hand over the pink mark. It isn’t soothing– more prolonging the pain in a way that nearly makes Alex’s knees buckle. “I’m not going to keep reminding you. If you want to speak, use your words. If not, I’m sure your pretty mouth would look lovely wrapped around a gag, hm?”

Alex groans at the thought, a million images racing through her head. “Liv, your thigh–” she forces out, not wanting her ability to speak to be taken so quickly. “Please, I’m so desperate, let me ride it? I’ll be so good, I promise. I’m sorry.”

Olivia smiles wickedly. “What a good girl,” she praises, her tone making Alex flush with embarrassment. She pushes her knee up the wall, slotting her thigh directly against Alex’s centre, feeling her hot and wet even through both of their jeans. “Go on then. Show me how good you can be.”

Olivia keeps her grip tight on Alex’s wrists as the taller woman begins to roll her hips, her other hand trailing up and down the blonde’s body. She pinches at her waist, grabs at her breasts, and settles with her hand resting against the other woman’s throat. She doesn’t squeeze, just leaves it there as a reminder.

Alex is lost in the sensation– Olivia wishes she had a photographic memory just for this moment, the image of the blonde ex-lawyer writhing against her wall, pushing into the muscle of Olivia’s thigh, not holding back a single sound as she brings herself closer and closer to her peak, even with Olivia refusing to help her along. She knows she’ll have a wet spot on the leg of these jeans after this, and that she can never wear these pants again if she wants to make it out of the house without needing to get herself off at the memory.

Alex is hurtling closer and closer to her peak, pushing harder and harder into Olivia’s thigh. “Beautiful girl,” Olivia encourages, and Alex moans.

“Liv, I’m so close, you feel so good, thank you–” She babbles, only for her eyes to shoot open and her hips to thrash as Olivia quickly drops her own leg to the ground. “No, please!” She cries, but Olivia only laughs darkly.

“Honey, you only asked to ride my thigh, not to cum,” she says mockingly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “You should know how to use your words better, even when your head is so empty.”

“Fuck you,” Alex retorts, earning a quick squeeze to her throat, where Olivia’s hand still sits.

“You wish,” Olivia whispers. Alex rolls her eyes, and Olivia squeezes tighter. The blonde gasps– not fighting against it, but pressing further into Olivia’s hand. “You’re such a slut. You talk such a big game, but all it takes is a hand around your neck to turn your brain off? I should have done this years ago, knowing it’d shut you up like this.”

Olivia hardly recognizes the words coming out of her mouth. They feel foreign to her, like they don’t belong on her lips, but the way Alex’s cheeks turn pink as she nods against the pressure makes Olivia feel like she’s going to explode. She releases her hold, giving one last little squeeze for good measure, and lets Alex take a few deep breaths.

“Thank you,” Alex huffs, chest heaving. “I’m sorry.”

Olivia yanks Alex’s hands down from above her head, still keeping her wrists gripped tight. She tangles a hand in Alex’s hair, running her fingers through, offering some comfort to the woman she knows she’s about to put through the ringer.

“You keep saying that,” Olivia muses, tugging on Alex’s wrists, pulling the woman behind her toward the bedroom, ignoring her shaky legs. “I’m not sure you know what it means anymore.”

She can’t resist getting a dig in, knowing Alex will take it in this state, that she’ll take anything Olivia is willing to give her. Olivia looks over as they pass the threshold into her bedroom, and Alex averts her eyes. “That’s okay,” Olivia nearly growls. “I’ll make sure you remember.”

Olivia begins to unbutton Alex’s shirt, and Alex attempts to help until her shaky hands are swatted away. Olivia is aware of the way Alex watches her nimble fingers, knows what’s probably running through her mind. Alex raises her arms to help her tug the shirt off, obediently arches her back when Olivia moves to unhook her bra.

“Gorgeous,” Olivia whispers, and Alex hums appreciatively. Olivia can hear her heavy breaths, feel how pliant she’s becoming as she manipulates her limbs. “Step out of these for me, honey,” She encourages as she pulls Alex’s belt through its loops, unbuttons the jeans, and tugs them down her thighs.

Alex stands still, and Olivia can see her hands twitching as she aches to reach out and touch. Stalking around her, like a predator circling its prey, she pulls the blonde’s hands behind her back. “That’s better,” she comments. “Let me see all of you.”

As she circles Alex, now clad in only her lavender lace panties that Olivia knows she’s ruined, she drinks in every inch of the woman. Olivia has softened with age, knows she has curves where she once didn’t, but Alex has only gotten more and more delectable. Her blonde hair falls down the centre of her back, mussed from Olivia’s tugging. Her legs are impossibly long, her abs impossibly toned. The sleek curve of her waist, her hips, her chest is too irresistible for Olivia not to run her hand up. She pinches a nipple, delighting in the gasp it pulls from Alex’s mouth, quickly moving on to her collarbones, her throat, eventually cupping her cheek in one hand.

“Colour?”

Alex has to blink a few times before she realizes Olivia is expecting a response. “Green,” she breathes out. “So green, Liv.”

Olivia smiles, pressing a soft kiss to Alex’s lips. Her thumb quickly brushes over the scar where Alex’s chest meets her shoulder– it’s gone white over the last thirteen years, still raised and surrounded by smaller, thinner scars from the surgery that repaired the function to her shoulder. As her thumb runs along it, she leans in and whispers to Alex– “I love you, Lex. I’m so glad you’re here.”

She means more than just here , in this room. She means here , in New York. Here on this earth. Here in her heart.

Alex’s eyes soften at Olivia’s sudden emotional shift, and she smiles softly. No matter what game they’re playing here, this is still her Olivia. “Me too,” she agrees.

Olivia smiles, pressing one last kiss to her lover’s mouth, and suddenly, the shift has passed. Her eyes are darker as she pulls away, and Alex feels her heart race up at the change. “Good,” she whispers. “Kneel for me.”

Alex’s eyes go wide, but at an eyebrow raise from Olivia, she does as she’s told.

And then, Olivia walks away.

She doesn’t look back at Alex as she stalks toward her closet, leaves the blonde kneeling, facing her bed. She quickly undresses herself, and by the way Alex doesn’t gasp until the buckles of her harness clink together, she trusts Alex kept herself facing forward.

She chooses a longer dildo to hook into the strap, wanting to see how far she can push Alex tonight. Giving herself one last look over in the mirror, she turns on her heel and stalks back toward Alex.

She sees the blonde’s eyes widen as she takes her in– she allows Alex a moment to drag her gaze up and down Olivia’s body, the way she stares at her hips, her chest, her thighs undeniable. Olivia feels herself get wetter at the way Alex kneels before her and stares as if she’s in worship– her lips slightly parted, eyes wide with adoration.

“You wanna suck me off, Lexie?” She asks, and it feels so strange coming from her, but she’s flooded with more than just power as the blonde eagerly nods. “Open.”

Alex quickly obeys, and Olivia hums in praise. “I’m not gonna go easy on you, honey,” she warns her, but Alex only smiles, leaning forward to swirl her tongue around the head of the dildo.

She may not have been able to feel it, but the visual alone was enough to have Olivia groaning. Tangling a hand in Alex’s hair, she made eye contact with the blonde, who gave a short nod as Olivia pushed into her mouth.

She thrusted gently, at first, but she noticed Alex leaning forward, trying to take more. “Greedy,” she chastised, as she pushed further with a sharp thrust.

Alex let out a choked gasp as Olivia hit the back of her throat. She immediately pulled back, giving her a chance to breathe, but saw the desperation in her eyes. “You like that, huh?” She asked, thrusting hard again, the light vibrations of Alex’s moan of assent traveling up the cock and reaching her clit. “You like everything I give you, even if it’s supposed to hurt,” Olivia growled, building a rhythm as she thrusted into Alex’s throat again and again. “What am I ever going to do with you?”

She stopped her rough thrusting, pulling nearly all the way out so just the tip was between Alex’s lips. She watched the beautiful porcelain face below her hollow out as Alex sucked, and heard a whine as she nearly pulled the dildo from Alex’s mouth. “You look so pretty with your mouth full,” Olivia praised, and Alex moaned around the dildo, trying to pull it further in, but Olivia’s grip on her hair didn’t allow it. “No mouthing off to me when you’re choking around me. I should just keep you like this, head between my thighs. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Just make me feel good all day?”

Alex moaned and nodded as best she could. Olivia smiled and tugged her hair hard, tilting her head slightly back, before starting to push in slowly. This time though, she didn’t stop when she hit resistance.

“You can take it,” she said. It sounded more like a command than a reassurance, and she watched Alex’s eyes glaze over as she took it in. “Relax for me. Be a good girl.”

Alex breathed deeply through her nose, and Olivia felt her relax as she slipped further in, inch by inch, until her pubic bone was flush with Alex’s nose. She smirked down at her, adoring the desperation in Alex’s eyes, and pulled out again.

She didn’t stop this time though– no, she thrust forward, hard , hitting the back of Alex’s throat, reveling in the way she gagged. The base of the strap hit her clit just right , and she found herself muttering a mixture of praise and degradation as she fucked Alex’s mouth, wondering if she could bring herself to orgasm this way.

Unfortunately, just as she was about to hit her peak, she looked down to see that Alex’s hands were no longer behind her back. No, they were between her spread legs, inside her lavender panties, working herself over as Olivia fucked her throat.

Olivia pulled out quickly, her own orgasm abandoned, and slapped Alex hard across the cheek. The blonde moaned at the impact, but her hand didn’t move– no, she rubbed faster, pushing herself closer and closer and closer–

Olivia leaned down, grabbed her by the arm, and yanked it away. 

“No!” Alex cried, earning herself a slap across the other cheek. Olivia held her wrist above her head, grabbing the other one for good measure too, and pulled Alex roughly until she got to her feet.

When Alex met Olivia’s eyes, all the heat drained from her. She thought she’d seen Olivia pissed earlier, but that was nothing compared to this. If she’d seen a spark in Olivia’s eyes before, this was an inferno.

“Bend over the fucking bed,” Olivia demanded, voice low. Alex was frozen in place, fear and arousal mixing into one heavy feeling that left her head spinning. Olivia yanked her hair again, pulling her toward the bed, shoving her at the waist until she was bent over, exposed.

“You’re such a fucking slut, Alex, couldn’t even hold off to make me feel good?” Olivia chastises with a hard slap to Alex’s ass, making her cry out. “I thought you said you’d be good for me, but all you’re doing tonight is pissing me off.”

Alex cries out again as a second spank hits the exact spot she’d hit previously, and when the third comes down, her hands race to cover herself. Olivia grabs her wrists again, effectively restraining her as she pulls her back to a standing position. She stands behind Alex and starts walking toward her closet, forcing the blonde to move forward with her.

“Liv, I’m sorry–”

“How many times are you going to apologize tonight?” Olivia raises her voice. “I’m done hearing it. The only reason I’m not gagging you is because I’d much rather tie you up.”

A sob wrenches from Alex’s throat as Olivia smacks her again, but warmth blooms in her chest at the reminder that Olivia remembers she needs either words or hand signals in case something goes wrong. Not that she wants to stop– no, she thinks if Olivia stopped right now, she might just die on her bedroom floor.

As they reach the closet, Olivia reaches up with one hand, the other keeping Alex’s hands trapped firmly behind her back. She rummages around in a box Alex can’t see, pulling out two tools– a pair of leather cuffs, and a black leather paddle with a heart cutout near the tip.

Alex’s eyes go wide as Olivia flips her around to see her reaction, but she stays silent.

“I think you’ll look real pretty all marked up from this, huh?” Olivia asks, and Alex’s mouth goes dry. She’s never been hit with a paddle before. Olivia notices the apprehension on her face immediately– if anyone can read her like an open book, it’s Liv. “Do you want that, Lex? You can speak, honey.”

Olivia is giving her a choice. She still has a choice here.

Alex takes a deep breath, and nods, remembering Olivia wanted a verbal answer.

“I want it,” she breathes out, her words slightly slurred as she feels herself dropping further and further into her headspace. “I deserve it, Liv. I can take it.”

Olivia smiles gently, reminding Alex that behind this cruel facade she’s putting up, it’s still her Liv. “I knew you could be good. You’ll take the pain so pretty for me, won’t you sweetheart?”

Alex nods, and Olivia turns her back around, appreciative of the compliance. She wraps the soft leather cuffs around Alex’s wrists, buckling them tight and attaching the connector chain with her hands behind her back. The deep purple leather complimented the soft purple underwear she was still wearing, and Olivia hummed softly in appreciation.

As Olivia guided the blonde back to the bed, she noticed a shift. Alex was no longer resisting, was letting her push and pull her as she pleased. She was finally letting go– Olivia was pleased at the realization, so pleased that Alex was finally giving in.

She shoved Alex forward, bending her over the bed, yanking her underwear down and tossing it aside to be found later. She softly kicked Alex’s legs apart, smirking at the lack of resistance. She watched the blonde shiver as she rested the small paddle against her backside.

“Remember your words, Lexie?” She asked, checking in, and Alex nodded, humming her assent. “Give me your colour, honey.”

Alex’s voice was raspy from the earlier punishment to her throat as she huffed out a so fucking green, Liv , and Olivia grinned.

“How many do you think you deserve, honey?” She asked, sardonically sweet.

Alex whined into the soft bed sheets. “As many as you want me to take,” she groaned, and Olivia smiled softly where Alex couldn’t see her. “I wanna be good Liv, I’m sorry for being a brat, I promise.”

“Oh, I know you will be,” Olivia assures, pleased with the way she can watch Alex clench around nothing in this position. “How about twelve? Two for every year you were gone without a word. That sounds fair to me, hm?”

Alex let out a soft sob into Olivia’s bed, nodding. “I can do it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Olivia runs the cool leather over the curve of Alex’s ass, letting her shift in anticipation. “Let’s make sure you are,” she whispers, as the first smack lands across Alex’s left cheek.

Alex cries out into the bed sheets, and Olivia pulls her head up with a tug to her blonde locks. “Aren’t you going to count for me? Come on, you wouldn’t want me to lose track, would you?”

Alex shakes her head as best as she can against Olivia’s fist. “One,” she counts out. “Thank you.”

“Oh, thank you ,” Olivia mocks, letting go of Alex’s hair, letting her head fall forward. “Someone is finally learning some manners.”

She lands the next two smacks across Alex’s right cheek, hitting the same spot twice in a row, making Alex gasp and pull at her restraints. “Two, three– thank you Liv, thank you.”

Olivia grins at the way Alex has finally broken so beautifully for her. The strong, powerful, firecracker of a woman now writhing against her sheets, thanking her for every spank, pushing her hips back as she begs for more. The cutout on the paddle leaves soft, white hearts in the middle of every red streak, and Olivia has the urge to bite one, so she leans down and does, delighting in the give of Alex’s flesh below her teeth and the way Alex squeaks.

“These marks are so pretty, honey, I can’t wait for you to see them,” she tells her, and Alex whines, nodding, not quite sure what she’s agreeing to anymore. Olivia chuckles darkly and resumes the punishment.

The fourth and fifth smacks hit her hard across her sit spots and leave Alex gasping. The sixth digs into the meat of her left cheek. The seventh and eighth each hit her upper thighs, making Alex’s legs shake. The ninth blooms bright across her right cheek. The tenth and eleventh are the hardest, each biting into the soft, pale skin of Alex’s ass, leaving sweet little hearts amidst hot cherry skin, leaving Alex crying out her numbers and thanking Olivia over and over.

“One more, honey, you can take it,” Olivia offers false assurance, knowing what’s coming next. Alex doesn’t catch her deception however, nodding into the sheets and babbling some mixture of pleas and assurance that she can take it.

Placing the paddle down on the bed and pulling her hand back for the twelfth strike, Olivia almost feels bad, but as her twelfth and final smack lands straight on Alex’s clit, she takes back any hesitance she ever felt.

It’s beautiful, the way every muscle in her body tenses up as she cries out, the way Olivia can see her clench rhythmically around absolutely nothing, the way she can see Alex’s wetness drip down her leg, trails of it reaching down her inner thigh. Alex lets out a broken sob as her hips thrust back and forth, grinding against nothing, her thighs tensing and releasing as she gasps for air.

Olivia grins as Alex tries to catch her breath, softly smoothing her hand over Alex’s red skin, delighting in the little gasps it pulls from the blonde as she comes down.

“I don’t remember telling you to cum, but that was such a pretty little show that I’ll let it slide,” Olivia assures Alex, who nods into the bed, feeling dazed and overheated and so fucking good . “Has anyone ever made you cum like that before? Just slapping your pretty cunt? I wonder if you could do it again.”

Alex shakes her head against the sheets, her breathing starting to even out. “No,” she pants. “Never happened before. Thank you, Liv, thank you.”

Olivia chuckles darkly as she lands another sharp slap to Alex’s core, ignoring the way Alex’s leg jumps as she tries to pull away from it. Alex lets another broken sob fall from her mouth as Olivia parts her lips, spreading her wetness around.

“You didn’t answer me properly, I thought you wanted more. I know your head is all empty, but you really have to work on listening better, hm?” She teases, knowing Alex is far too gone to understand even half of her questions. “I think you want to cum again, honey. Is that right? You want me to fuck you?”

Alex nods desperately and pushes back against Olivia, the only thought in her head being allowed to cum again, being filled up by her Liv. “ Yes ,” she begs. “Please, I need to, I want it so bad.”

Olivia hums appreciatively. “You beg so pretty, Lex. You can be so good for me when you want to.”

Alex keeps nodding, hardly keeping track of what she’s agreeing with as Olivia unhooks the connector chain and gently pulls Alex up to a standing position. As she turns Alex to face her, she’s met with the most heavenly sight– Alex is completely wrecked, face red, eyes filled with unshed tears, hair sticking to her sweaty forehead. If an angel ever walked the earth, it’s standing right in front of her.

“God,” Olivia can’t keep herself from groaning. “You’re divine. Prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Alex hums into the kiss Olivia plants on her lips, hardly able to keep up and kiss her back, but Olivia doesn’t mind. She simply can’t keep herself away with Alex in this beautiful, submissive state.