Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1– 24/2/2025

putting what is in one’s head in the form of words can’t get any easier.

One is not sure what is this emptiness their feeling, but one knows that it is the people around them.

you, dear reader , what if you lived in a world that holds you as your only inhabitant ? will you also feel the emptiness one feels ? Or will you live with no emotions due to the fact that no one is around to initiate any emotion. Will you live in distress wanting to interact with others? Is all we feel dependent on what the individuals around us do ? think, dear reader:

“can one initiate emotions all by themselves ?”

In one’s reality , one needs to lie to oneself until they realize they’re actully doing fine or good enough to survive the day. What if one gets tired of lying ? what happens then.

In our society , lying is bad, one lies to oneself everyday , does that make them a bad person in society ?

No.

As long as they don’t show it to other lowly individuals who think they have power due to what they show. In our society , it’s about what one portrays not what they did to reach that portrayal.

Reality is sad isn’t it.

If one mere mortal as myself notices it , develops loathing for it , will that change anything ?
If this mortal managed to find a group of other mortals who share the same loathing , what happens then ? they loath together ? is that all?

they got no power , so what is the point of loathing all along , it is the pain of knowing. That is what destroys a person.

The privilege of ignorance is in fact, bliss after all.

why does one feel nothing when everything is going according to plan ? i believe its ones trauma that takes time to recover even if it was seen as a mere scolding. One needs to get reassurance from seeing it with both their eyes to have a calm mind. But when will that may be ? tomorrow ? they day after ? One doesn’t know what the future holds but has high expectations, as dazai said “nothing can go wrong when you leave it to god”.

Chapter Text

19/5/2025

…One has discovered something that stirs the feeling of disgust in oneself

Our world itself isn’t a ratchet habitat, in fact it’s a beautiful place , only thing soiling its beauty is people.

So dear reader , ponder about how everything would be of people didn’t exist. will it be peaceful? Quiet ? lonely ? or pleasant.

No human screaming over your head , no rules , no expectations, no stress, no pressure , no work

These are things humans forced onto their own kind and would get punished if not followed.

How was the world before that? One is sure that despite the simplicity of the past, things were a tad bit tranquil

But who are we to know right ?

Another thing in one’s list of never ending ‘icks’ of the world we live in is the fact that simple , uncalled for , normal encounters are exaggerated in the time of an anecdote

it is known that the hardest question to answer is ‘why’.

Why do mortals tend to tell a story of something that has a clear solution as one of the inexplicable encounters they faced in their lives ?

And to exacerbate things even more, the listeners , other mere mortals, will view it as a groundbreaking , life lesson story that the world needs to hear

To say one was disgusted as an understatement.

Relating to dazai again , One was considered a “gifted” because of my “brains" , Not even in a
condescending, cocky way , One just never even felt that mere comprehension is considered “brains” and that most mortals lack it. One never seen oneself as any different from others.
until mere mortals kept pointing it out. making one feel out of place.

One is asking: is this why others don’t view anecdotes the way one does ?

If so, will the world be viewed as a better place of that “brains” dissapeared ?

To be frank, yes. yes indeed.

But “brains” isn’t reversed easily. Nor will one even try to reverse it , as much as one hates the trains of thought echoing though one’s head , One would rather that than matching normal mortal’s comprehension abilities. Full offense.

However, One doesn’t think mortals lacking “brains” is the problem. some of them do, but they talk for the attention, thrill and the quick laugh

but what does that even do at the end? Feed their ego for two seconds? The thing I refuse to wrap my head around is the question of why do they do this ?

Will you go home and sleep smiling because you made a fool of yourself and made people laugh?

one cannot reach to conclusion.

Now dear reader, ponder again:

why do all mere mortals tend to do this? they were not always raised the same. They all came from different backgrounds. Yet All. Of. Them. act the same, why is that? what expectations are they trying to meet ? and who put those expectations ? and why is everybody following them like their life depended on it?

But hey, some questions will be answered as life goes on right ?