Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It isn’t hard to imagine a different life. One where things worked out and Regulus’s hands weren’t stained in unimaginable amounts of blood. Maybe in another life things would have worked out differently. Maybe in another life there is a home that exists in solitary, a place of light and love and freedom, somewhere that smells of cinnamon, cloves and oranges and houses a library full of worn, loved books. A home that is soft, and lived in, and has pillowy curtains that are always open, letting in the summer breeze. A house with a huge kitchen where the greatest pancakes are made. Somewhere he could have been free and loved and innocent .

It’s a nice thought. One that allows for hope and brings comfort to the dark, pressing ocean of fear. Perhaps somewhere out there is a universe where all that is true and Regulus isn’t sinking below the waves.

But no one is owed a happy ending. And in the end, the life he got was the one he deserved.

————

Friday, August 29

Platform 9 and 3/4 was absolutely stifling. The sounds of children calling out for their parents, mothers fussing over dress robes and pressing coins into the sweaty fingers of their sons who were sure to lose it before they even boarded the train echoed through the station at a deafening volume. It was absolute chaos and Regulus hated every second of it. He stuck close to Walburga, relishing in the way people parted for them. He kept his head high, glaring into the crowd almost daring the onlookers to say something. They never did, instead just looking away and pretending like they had never seen him.

The occasional flash of black hair kept throwing him off. He wasn’t looking for Sirius. Never. Sirius was dead to him now. But still, he kept an eye out. Walburga would never do anything to him in public. She might scream and rage about ‘that flilthy blood traitor’ and detail all the things she would do when he came home, but he was safe in the crowd. If he was even here. Regulus wasn’t looking for him so he wouldn't know

“Keep your nose clean.”

They had stopped now. His mothers voice was quiet and stern. Regulus could feel her eyes boring into his skull but he refused to look up. His mother was a woman of few words when they were in the public eye. She pulled him into a stiff hug and he returned it with the same rigidness. It was all for appearances. Regulus could count on one hand the number of times they had embraced and it corresponded with the same amount of years he had been at Hogwarts. This would be the fourth.

She let him go and turned, her heels clicking against the floor as she walked away. That was it. No goodbyes or teary eyed farewells for them, four words and that would be it until Christmas.

The warning whistle sounded, and he walked towards the train, ignoring the multitudes of parents having their own teary-eyed farewells with children far more loved than Regulus was. At least in public.

After a fair bit of searching he finally found an empty compartment. Still no sign of Sirius. Not that he was looking, just an observation.

The train lurched to a crawl as he opened his book. Grapes of Wrath. It was a guilty pleasure, muggle books. His mother would kill him if she ever found out but it was fascinating. He enjoyed it the way one might enjoy observing ants before extinguishing their insignificant lives with a magnifying glass. They way they always managed to make an utter mess of everything was truly a gift. Muggles were messy at heart, though. Always so bloody and gruesome in their fighting. So…… primitive.

“Oi, there he is!” The door to his compartment slid open with a loud bang and Regulus looked up from his pages to find Barty and Evan making themselves cozy in the opposite seats.

“You avoiding us Reggie?” Barty was already cracking the window and pulling out a thin silver compact full of cigarettes.

“Regulus,” He corrected and shut the book. “And no. Just figured I could use some quiet before you two found me.” They always did. Every year since first, they sought him out to harass the whole train ride. It was fine, he pretended to be annoyed but really he liked the company. Barty and Evan were two of the only people he could stand to be around for more than an hour. Actually…. They may be the ONLY people.

“Always so posh, isn’t he Barty?”

“Even more so every year, dear Evan.”

“We’ve really got to fix that.”

“I agree.”

Barty flicked his wand and lit his cigarette before pressing it into Evans. Soon the compartment was filled with the thick smell of tobacco, the open window doing little to clear out the haze.

“Fourth year then, huh?” Barty asked between puffs. “Can’t fucking wait to be out of this shithole.”

Regulus debated asking whether it was better than home, but bit his tongue. Barty was entitled to rant. After the summer he had, anyone would be angry.

They didn’t exchange many letters during the holidays. Walburga didn’t exactly approve of his friends. Anyone who wasn’t a Black, or associate (circle-of-in-breeding-wise) was not suitable company for him.

Regulus did try to get a couple letters out through Kreacher every year. The house elf had always loved him. He didn’t want to risk it too much this year though. With Sirius gone the whole summer, he had been under constant observation and scrutiny. The last one he had received had been from Evan, telling him to not contact Barty anymore that summer.

Barty Crouch Sr. was a cruel man. In recent years he had taken to putting Barty under the Imperio curse for holidays. He had spent the entirety of third year Christmas under a veil of fog to ‘keep Barty docile’. It was worse this year. His father had never gone so far as to keep him under it for more than a few weeks, but this summer had been different.

Barty had spent two whole months under the curse, only being let out of it a week before school started to recover from the experience.

They never really talked about it. Just acted like everything was normal again on the train, but from the way Bartys hands were shaking and his eyes darted around nervously, it had affected him more than he was letting on.

“Another Muggle book?” Evan asked, trying to pull Regulus’s attention from Bartys hands. He complied.

“Yeah. They made a real mess during the 30s. Muggles farmed the land too hard and caused dust storms that killed thousands. It’s quite fascinating, the destruction they can cause without magic.”

“Well, can’t say they didn’t deserve it.”

“Yeah.”

They lapsed back into silence then and Regulus cracked his book back open. Barty continued chain-smoking and eventually settled into a game of exploding snaps.

————

Euphemia Potter was on the verge of tears. She got like this every year when it was time to say goodbye, and James would be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit teary-eyed as well.

“Mum, I promise I’ll write a lot.” He told her as she pulled him into the sixth hug of the day.

“You too, Sirius?” She eyed the dark haired boy, standing off to the side, and pulled him in as well.

“Yeah, Mrs.Potter, of course.”

Sirius had spent the summer with James. Far as James could tell, he hadn’t asked permission or even told his parents of his plans but James was fine with that. Fuck the Blacks. He was perfectly fine if Sirius never went back. Better than fine really.

That summer had been perfect in James' opinion. They practiced loads of quidditch, went muggle camping, and even went to a muggle theatre once. It was much more fun with Sirius there.

“Mum, we’ve really got to go now.” James told her gently, extracting himself from her arms as the warning whistle sounded.

“Alright boys. Be safe and send me a letter once you’re there.” Euphemia brushed her tears away and planted a kiss on both their cheeks before stepping back and waiting. She would stay there to see them on the train and wave them off.

“Where do ya reckon Remus and Peter are?” Sirius asked as they stepped onto the train.

“Dunno. Remus will probably have saved us a compartment though. He’s nice and responsible like that.”

“Yeah. He is.”

True to his word. Remus had saved them a compartment near the front of the train. He had his head stuck in a book already while Peter fidgeted in the opposite seat.

“Oh, Moony, I’m touched. You saved me a spot.” Sirius called out and flung himself into the bench beside Remus.

“Fuck off. Not my fault you two are in love with me. I was just sitting here minding my own business.” He responded flippantly, not even looking up.

James settled in beside Peter after putting his trunk overhead.

“Alright, Pete? Have a good summer?” He asked.

“Yeah. S’pose. Not much to say, really. You?”

“Oh, me and James were just grand. Spent the whole time roasting marshmallows and camping.” Sirius chimed in. This got Remus’s attention.

“What? You stayed with him all summer then?”

“Well I wasn’t about to go back to the Black home of horrors for two months.” Sirius responded.

“And they didn’t care?” Remus sounded incredulous.

“Fuck ‘em. It’s my life.” His voice sounded oddly cool in the last sentence, as if daring Remus to say something more.

Remus let it go and shrugged, turning back to his book instead.

“Right, then. Who wants to pool our money and buy out the trolley?” Sirius asked, digging through his pockets and pulling a few bronze knuts.

In the end, he and Peter scraped together a decent amount, filling the empty seats with candy wrappers and chocolate frog cards.

————

The sorting of the first years dragged on, as usual. When you weren’t a part of it, it was just boring. Regulus was starving and with each name called, he got more and more irritated.

“Why don’t they do this beforehand. Not like anyone here actually gives a shit if Elysa Clearwater is sorted into fucking Hufflepuff or Gryffindor.” He whispered to Evan.

“Think her older sister might,” Came the response.

Regulus rolled his eyes and stared down sullenly at his empty plate.

Thankfully it wasn’t too much longer.

They all walked down to the dungeons together after the feast, leaving early to avoid the crowd of first years. He hadn’t seen Sirius at dinner, purposefully sitting facing away from the Gryffindor table.

It was pretty quiet at dinner. Barty was still off, and with him usually being the loudest, the whole dynamic felt wrong. Evan tried to make casual conversation but Regulus’s mind was elsewhere and Barty kept staring into space.

Barty went to bed early, and Evan followed soon after, leaving Regulus alone in the common room. Well, not alone, but there was no one he wanted to talk to. Instead, he tucked into the corner by the stairs and cracked open his book again. He would have to burn it after reading. He never read the same book twice and there was no use bringing it home to be discovered.

Truthfully, he liked the process. There was something satisfying about watching the work go up in flames. Watching the muggle's hard work amount to nothing, it brought him joy. Anthill, meet magnifying glass.

It was half past eleven by the time he snuck into the dorms. Evan was sleeping peacefully in his bed, curtains still pulled back. Bartys were covering him, but by the sounds of it, he was thrashing in his sleep. Regulus cast a silencing spell over his bed, quieting the tossing. Barty wouldn’t appreciate it if he woke him, and Regulus wanted to actually get some sleep. It was the worst part about sharing a room. He could only sleep in complete silence and darkness and three other people made that much harder.

Their fourth member was a boy named Marcus Gull. He was quiet and kept to himself but Regulus liked him well enough. Regulus wasn’t really the type to go out of his way and make friends but he considered Marcus a friend. They played chess together sometimes and in second year Regulus had tutored him in Herbology.

A quick glance towards the third bed told him Marcus was already asleep.

Regulus peeled off his robes and threw on a quick pair of pajamas in the dark before crawling into his own bed and casting a silencing charm on that one too. He had gotten quite good at them over the years. It would last until tomorrow morning at least.

————

“Alright lads. We need to get serious about the pranks this year.” Sirius exclaimed, falling back onto his bed. “I’m thinking something big. We have the map now so it should be a breeze.”

James was in the middle of unpacking his trunk when Sirius said this. “That reminds me. Who has the map?”

It was Remus that responded, flipping the blank parchment between his fingers and holding it up. “I wouldn’t trust any of you to hold onto it all summer.”

“Hey! I wouldn’t lose it!” Peter responded, offended.

“No offence, Petey, but yeah, you would.”

James chuckled at this while he folded his socks.

“And,” Sirius continued, ignoring Remus’s jab, “We need to get serious about the Animagus stuff too.”

“You aren’t really on that again are you? I said no. It’s too dangerous and I’m not allowing it.” Remus snapped.

“Yes, Mum.” Sirius rolled his eyes and sat up, “You don’t get to choose. We’re doing it regardless.”

“It’s so fucking stupid. There’s a million things that can go wrong in the process, not to mention we don’t even know if you’ll be safe with me in animal form.” Remus argued.

James secretly agreed with Sirius. Remus didn’t really have a right to veto it, it was their choice.

“Ok. Calm down, we agreed that we would vote. Peter. Have you thought about it this summer?”

They had talked at length about it last year and Peter had been undecided, much to Sirius’s dismay. It had to be unanimous, all three needed to agree or none of them would do it.

“Um….” Peter squeaked, looking tense at being put on the spot. “ Yeah, I suppose.”

“What, like you’ve thought about it, or yes you agree?” Sirius demanded, his eyes full of excitement now.

“Yes. I agree we should do it.” In James' opinion, he didn’t look all that decided. But he wasn’t about to argue. He could help Peter out and since they were all in it together, they needed him to say yes.

“There. The council has decided, Remus.” Sirius laughed, tossing a pillow at the other boy’s head.

“Fuck you all. I want it on record that I’m against this.” He protested, but the sides of his mouth were upturned in a smile.

James knew he wasn’t really against it. He was just scared he was going to hurt one of them. They had talked it over at length last year.

“Alright then. Tomorrow the real planning begins.” Sirius declared.

They went to bed soon after, all of them exhausted from the day and full of excitement to begin the Animagus process.

James and Sirius had done copious amounts of research on it during the summer. It was a hard process and many of the steps were complicated and easy to fuck up. James was slightly concerned but he pushed it off as he slipped under the covers.

Remus had already fallen asleep. He could hear the gentle snores emanating from across the room.

It wasn’t long until Sirius knocked lightly at his bedpost. He had been expecting this.

“Come in.” He whispered.

Sirius crawled onto the foot of his bed and stared silently at James for a moment.

“Did you see him today?” He asked. He was talking about Regulus, of course.

“No,” James replied, honestly.

“I saw him at the feast with Barty and Evan. He looked good. I don’t think they’re torturing him or anything.” He said it with a hint of humour, but James knew it was a real concern of his. Regulus had never gotten the same treatment as Sirius did, but with him gone, Sirius was concerned that might change.

“That's good then.” James whispered back. They had talked about this the whole summer. Sirius beat himself up for leaving Regulus alone and James tried to comfort him the best he could. He was an only child so it was hard. He could never truly understand the bond between siblings. Especially not one as complicated as Sirius and Regulus had.

“Yeah….” A sigh. “I’m gonna try to talk to him tomorrow.”

“Ok, mate.”

“Thanks for this.”

“Anytime.” James shot him a smile even though Sirius couldn’t see it in the dark. The rustle of curtains and absence of weight told him Sirius left, so James pulled his glasses off and lay down. He wondered how that conversation would go.

Probably not well, knowing the two of them.

Chapter Text

Sunday, August 31

Sirius was not adjusting well to being back at Hogwarts. Specifically the routine of waking up early. James had tried to let him sleep in for the first two days, since they had no classes until Monday.

His plan of trying to talk to Regulus hadn’t gone over well either. According to Sirius, the boy avoided him like the plague, ducking down hallways and into classrooms at the slightest hint of his brother's presence.

Sirius was taking it well enough. He threw himself into the Animagus planning instead.

That was how they ended up in their dorm room at 2 o’clock on a Sunday afternoon, eating nicked sandwiches and leftover chocolate frogs. The room was a disaster, they had scrounged up the copious notes James had taken over the summer and went through them over and over again, comparing and cross-referencing with books from the restricted section. Thank-you James’ cloak.

Peter had really come around the last few days and his excitement rivalled Sirius’s now. He would spend every free moment talking about what animal he was going to turn into.

“I’d love to be a bird of some kind….” Peter sighed wistfully, holding up a piece of parchment and re-reading it for the third time.

“Mate, for the last time, you don’t get to choose.” Sirius was clearly getting tired of this conversation.

“I know! Just thinking aloud.”

“Ok then, everyone’s read their parts?” Remus questioned, taking charge before it devolved into yet another argument.

The group nodded in assent and he continued, outlining the responsibilities of each party.

“Sirius, you’ve got the silver teaspoon?” Sirius had sworn he could nick one from home last Christmas, apparently the Blacks had a rather large collection. James just wasn’t all that confident in his ability to keep an eye on in the months since then.

“Yes. I have it somewhere,” Sirius rolled his eyes and flopped backward, letting the sheet of parchment slip from his hand.

“Well, find it.” Remus snapped. He was particularly tense about this subject. If he couldn’t stop them, he was going to make sure everything went perfectly.

“James and Peter, you’re going to collect the dew from the Forbidden Forest once we’ve got the spoon,”

Peter nodded, his eyes shining.

“Sirius, you’ve ordered the crystal phials and the deaths-head-hawk-moths?”

“Yeah, bloody fortune, they cost!”

Remus waved him off and continued.

“The last thing is the Mandrake leaves, which we can steal from the greenhouse.”

“I’ll do that,” James volunteered.

“Ok. If everything goes perfect our mail order stuff should be here in two weeks, so James if you could get the mandrake leaves before then?”

He nodded in assent before pulling up the parchment again and re-reading the steps. They would surely go over it again before they actually started but everyone knew their roles now, so until they had the supplies, there wasn’t much more to do.

————

Regulus couldn’t wait until classes started. He wasn’t enjoying being stuck in the Slytherin dorm. Sirius had been tracking him like a damn bloodhound, cornering him in hallways and trying to talk. Regulus didn’t want to talk. There was nothing to talk about. Sirius had left. He’d made his choice. So instead, he stayed in the dungeons, reading muggle books and keeping to himself.

Barty and Evan had taken to the library for some unknown reason. He hadn’t broached the topic.

They all sat together with Evans' sister, Pandora, and her friend Dorcas, both Ravenclaws, at meal times. Regulus had always liked Pandora. She was a year older than them, but didn’t seem to mind spending time with fourth years. She was confident and weird, always spouting random facts and staring off into space. She said whatever popped into her mind and Regulus liked talking to her. She was one of the only people he would count as an equal at Hogwarts.

Barty was still far more reserved than usual. His hands never ceased shaking and he still gave off a nervous, skittish energy when in the great hall or surrounded by people. Regulus never brought it up, but he could sense a weird energy between Evan and Barty. Almost like Evan had stepped into the protective role.

Regardless, he was getting extremely bored. Perhaps that was what brought Regulus to the greenhouse late on Sunday afternoon.

Ever since second year, he had spent extra time in the greenhouses between classes. Professor Sprout didn’t mind, she even allowed him to help with some of the more advanced stuff.

Regulus liked the greenhouses. It was quiet and earthy, always smelling like fresh soil and life. He could get lost in the greenery and not think for a few hours, returning back to the dorms with dirt under his fingernails and a clear head.

Once, in the summer between second and third year, he had asked Walburga if they could get a garden. He had been so naive then, thinking she would approve of his hobby. Sirius had gone to bed with bandaged legs that night ‘ for corrupting his young mind with feminine hobbies’. He hadn’t even talked to Sirius about it but the boy took the punishment with no complaint. He felt a fleeting pang of nostalgia thinking about it, but quickly pushed it down by remembering the start of this summer.

He had waited at the door every day for a week, thinking Sirius was just spending a few days at James before coming home. They would talk and everything would work out again. Regulus would apologize for the events of last Christmas and it would all be fine. Except the door never opened. The days passed by and Regulus’s sadness turned to anger.

Sirius couldn’t even send a fucking letter? He just left and never even looked back. Tossed him aside like an old broomstick. No fucking chance was Regulus about to give Sirius a chance to explain himself. He would guilt and weasel his way back into Regulus’s good graces like always. So instead, Regulus ducked into bathrooms and empty classrooms to avoid his brother. He stayed in the dorms and surrounded himself with people at mealtimes. He may have been naive in the past but he was fucking done.

It was probably the earmuffs. That was why he didn’t hear the door opening. Yes. It was definitely the earmuffs, because he didn’t care enough about Sirius for that to have distracted him.

The slump of a body hitting the floor was what alerted him to the fact someone had entered.

“Oh for fucks sake,” He muttered, slamming the pre-pubescent mandrake into a pot a little harder than necessary and covering him with soil.

Regulus turned with an exaggerated sigh to find out what idiot had entered the greenhouse, only to find the room empty.

What? Was he losing his mind? He had definitely heard someone fall. Cautiously, he edged forwards. The door was cracked open and Regulus was sure it had been shut. How strange.

Pulling out his wand, he continued towards the door, earmuffs still clamped firmly around his head.

It was only when he tumbled head over heels into the concrete that he discovered what happened. Some stupid fucking student had snuck into the greenhouse under the cover of invisibility and passed out from the Mandrakes.

Cursing, he pulled himself up with the help of a table. He kicked a foot forwards and collided with an invisible mass.

“Fucking stupid…… idiot….. invisibility…..” Regulus muttered as he crouched down and pulled a shimmering bolt of fabric from the ground, revealing…. James Potter.

His glasses were smashed in the concrete and he was splayed out in an uncomfortable looking position.

Truly, it hadn’t crossed Regulus’s mind that it might be one of Sirius’s friends. Looking back he should have known. Sirius had told him about James' invisibility cloak a long time ago, but Regulus had just assumed that the intruder had been a student using a charm or potion.

Well, Fuck. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t really leave without repotting the mandrakes, Professor Sprout would be pissed if he left them out alone all night, but he still had a good two hours of work left.

He briefly considered just dragging James' body out into the hall but there was always the chance someone might find him, even with the cloak. It was a popular corridor.

In the end, Regulus settled with slapping a pair of earmuffs on him and returning to work. He would wake up in half an hour and Regulus would shove him out of the greenhouse with minimal conversation. Simple, and effective. Maybe it would knock James's ego down a peg too.

He smiled to himself as he pulled the next Mandrake out, enjoying the shrieks of discomfort from the little plant. One of them had bit him in his first year and he had never quite forgiven. It was the only scar he had and Walburga had thrown an absolute fit when she had found out.

————

James' head was pounding. It takes him a moment to realize where he is and why his invisibility cloak is folded neatly beside his body, broken glasses set on top.

The first thing that registers is he’s not alone. There is a boy standing at a table near the back, facing away from him. Wait. Is that…. Regulus? Shit.

The second thing that registers is a table hitting his head as he tries to stand up too fast.

Regulus whirls around with wide eyes, holding a squirming plant in one hand and making frantic motions with the other as James reaches up to take his earmuffs off. Why was he wearing earmuffs anyways? Not a fashion choice he was likely to make on the strangest of days.

He stops for a second and considers the circumstances before dropping his hands. Clearly the ear protection was for a reason since Regulus was wearing them too. Oh……Mandrakes. That must be it.

James stands up fully this time, avoiding the table and pulling his broken glasses up. It’s a simple fix, one he’s known since he first got his wand. After. The frames snap back into place and he jams them on his head. Having one sense occluded is debilitating enough, two is just horrible.

When he can finally see more than blurry shapes he takes a step towards Regulus. The younger boy is still staring at him with a wary look. In one fluent motion he whirls around and buries the uncovered mandrake behind him in a pot. The first thing that James thinks is just how much Regulus looks like Sirius. They have the same dark features and pale skin, though Sirius has longer hair. Regulus's is shorter, falling in soft curls around his neck.

The faint cries that James hadn’t noticed before, ceased to exist, so he pulled off the thick fabric around his head.

“Excellent. You can leave now.” Regulus pulled his own ear muffs off and pointed at the door, his face cold and emotionless.

“Why are you here?” James asked suspiciously, taking a step closer to the boy.

“Oh I just wanted some quality time with the mandrakes. I’ve really missed them over the summer.” Regulus’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“Not enough shrieks of terror at your house with Sirius gone?” James spat back and almost instantly regretted it.

“No, actually. Now that you mention it, it has been quite quiet this summer. I wonder what changed.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. Must be nice having the place to yourself.”

“Why are you still here? Scurry back to your common room and leave me alone.” Regulus told him in that same emotionless voice.

James ignored him. “Sirius has been trying to talk to you for the last two days. Why are you avoiding him?” It was a genuine question with none of the earlier anger trickled in.

“Stay out of it, Potter.”

“You’re so fucking stubborn. Both of you.” This seemed to hit a nerve.

“I’m nothing like him! Tell my blood traitor of a brother to stop trying. He made his choice!” Regulus raged, his eyes cold with murderous fury.

“Actually, you’re a lot like him. It’s funny, really. You’re Sirius two years ago.” He was enjoying this. Sirius would absolutely kill him if he ever found out he was antagonizing his brother like this on his behalf, but as they were currently freezing each other out, he doubted it would ever get back to him. James knew he should really just leave, let Regulus wither away alone, but a small part of him wanted retribution. He wanted Regulus to pay for his part in what the Black family had done to his best friend.

“Get…. Out.” Regulus seethed, bursting at the seams with thinly concealed rage. James had to give it to him, he was better than Sirius at controlling his emotions. Just barely.

“Fine. I’m leaving. Just do me a favour and toss me three Mandrake leaves, then I’ll go.” The effect was instantaneous. He watched Regulus’s eyes go from murderous, to confused, then back to angry.

“No.”

“Please?”

“No, I'm not doing you any favors.”

“Oh, come on. We both know you don’t give a shit about the Mandrakes. I was in that class where the one bit you.” It was true. That particular Herbology class had been a double with Slytherin in James' second year. It was before Sirius and Regulus grew apart and he still remembered Sirius’s anger upon seeing his little brother hurt, even if it was just a minor wound.

For the rest of the year, they had teased 12 year old Regulus about Mandrakes every single time they were in the greenhouses. He knew how much Regulus hated them.

“Funnily enough, I care more about them than I do you.” Regulus’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, James could practically see the gears turning in his brain. “Why do you need them anyways.”

Shit. James had always been bad at lying. Unfortunate side effect of being raised by the two greatest parents in the world.

“A prank.” He left it vague intentionally, trying not to fall into the trap of overloading with details to make his lie seem believable. Unfortunately, Regulus was perceptive.

“Bullshit. You’re lying.”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes. Tell me what you need them for and you can have them. Otherwise I’m going straight to Professor Sprout and telling her to lock up all the Mandrakes. I have a feeling she’ll listen to me.”

James could tell he wasn’t bluffing. Fuck. They need those leaves desperately. It was the first step and both Peter and Sirius were itching to get on with it. James kicked himself mentally for not just leaving earlier and coming back tomorrow.

“Come on….”

“No. Tell me.” Regulus was stone cold in his resolve. Just like Sirius. It was crazy, really how similar they were.

Remus was going to kill him.

“We’re becoming Animagus…..” He mumbled, looking at anything but Regulus and feeling like a child that had been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing.

Silence. Then a laugh. James looked up, watching Regulus’s face contort into one of pure amusement. For a second he looked 12 again.

“Bullshit. Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth!” James protested, feeling more and more childish the longer this conversation went on.

“You’re all fucking stupid.” His face became more serious now. “None of you are bright enough to attempt that and succeed.”

James could feel the blood rising to his face now. “Remus is in charge…” He felt the need to defend his friends, though truthfully, Regulus had just summed up the one worry James had. Him and Sirius had read so much about it during the summer. It was gruesome if you fucked it up, and it was extremely easy to fuck up. Also irreversible.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Remus, quite the opposite. But Remus couldn’t do it with them, a werewolf couldn’t become an Animagus. So Remus wouldn’t be able to tell if they had done a step wrong, he could only guide them from the outside.

“ Remus can’t become an Animagus.” Regulus stated, as if this further proved his point. Which it did, but James wasn’t about to admit that.

“Wait… how do you…?”

“He disappears every full moon and always skips classes the day after. Doesn’t take a genius…..” Regulus responded, “Though…. Maybe it does, seeing as no one else has figured it out yet.”

James was actually at a loss for words. They didn’t have any classes together last year and there was a whole year between them. How the hell did Regulus know Remus was missing classes?

“You can’t tell anyone.” He warned, already full of anxiety for his friend.

“ I haven’t.”

“You can’t. Ever.”

“Hmm.” Regulus made a non-committal noise and waved his hand. It was the closest James was going to get to a promise.

“Can I have the leaves then?” He asked.

“I want in.”

You could have knocked James over with a feather. Whatever he had been expecting Regulus to say, it wasn’t that.

“What?”

“I know what I’m doing. I’ve read the book on Animagus a hundred times. One of the few Mother let me read from the library at home. Besides, I have unrestricted access to the greenhouse if you fuck up the first step AND Slughorn adores me. I can get all the stuff we would need with ease.”

James had never seen this side of Regulus before. His eyes were shining and he was practically trembling with excitement.

“Well, we don’t actually need anything but the leaves, Sirius ordered the rest through a catalog.”

“You didn’t…”

“Yeah? Why? Is that a problem?”

“What catalog?” Regulus asked, his voice low.

“Um…, Wizards Weekly Underground.”

“Fucking idiots. Cancel it. The Ministry uses that to track illegal activities. None of you stopped to think why those ingredients were so easy to get a hold of when they’re classified everywhere else?”

“Well….no.”

“‘Course you didn’t. Amateurs.” Regulus muttered. “This is why you need me.”

“Fine. Say I let you join us, you’re going to have to talk to Sirius.”

“Nope. Not happening. I’ll talk to you, and you can relay my instructions to the clown posse.”

“They’re obviously going to question that.”

“Considering not one of you wondered why a CATALOG was selling restricted items, I really don’t think they will.”

“Regulus. Just talk to him.” James softened his voice a tad.

“No. It’s none of your business.”

“Fine.” James threw his hands up, “ Whatever.”

“Good. I can give you the leaves now. Cancel that order and meet me in the Astronomy tower on Tuesday night. Eleven o’clock.”

James smirked at this and waggled his eyebrows. “The astronomy tower???”

“What, you have an issue with that?”

“I mean, that’s where couples go to make out, but hey, could have just asked, Regulus.”

“Fuck off. It’s private and out of the way. Nothing more.” His face didn’t betray a hint of embarrassment, which was slightly disappointing to James.

“Whatever you say.”

“I take it Sirius has the silver teaspoon then? The one Mother’s been tearing the house apart for? She had one of the house elves killed for it, you know.”

Fuck. James didn’t know that. He tried not to let it bother him.

“Yeah.”

“Good. Make sure he doesn’t lose it.”

Regulus turned away then, taking out his wand and wandering along the row of potted mandrakes, snipping four leaves off random plants so as to avoid suspicion.

“Here.” He pressed three of them into James hand and slipped the fourth into his pocket.

“Cancel the damn catalog before the Ministry starts poking around.”

With that, he turned and slipped his earmuffs back on, blocking James out and returning to his work.

James clutched the leaves in his hand and left his own pair of muffs on the nearest table before picking up the folded cloak from the floor and slipping into the hallway.

————

He pondered on how he was going to explain all this to the rest of the Marauders on the way back to Gryffindor tower. He could easily sell Regulus out, but it felt wrong. James was loyal to the core, even when he didn’t particularly want to be. Instead, he decided to tell them he had read it in a book somewhere. It made sense, he had told them he was going to the library to snatch a few more books on the subject before stealing the leaves.

Shit. He needed to actually come back with some books if that was his alibi.

Half an hour later, and a quick detour to the library, he was climbing the steps to the common room.

“Cornish Pixie.” The fat lady swung open to reveal a half empty common room. After another five minutes trying to avoid a game of wizard chess with Frank Longbottom, he was back in his dorm.

Peter, Remus and Sirius were all staring at him.

“Mate, did you go to the moon for those leaves? We thought you got caught, it’s been two hours!” Sirius spoke first, swinging off the bed he had been lounging on, (Remus’s bed for some reason, though Remus was sitting on the floor).

“Yeah, sorry, ran into Filch on the way out and had to lay low for a bit.” James lied.

“Well let’s see then!”

James pulled out the leaves and placed one in each boy's hand, crouching to share his own with Remus so he could see it.

“Another thing. We have to cancel the catalog ingredients if we don’t want the Ministry catching wind of our little project.”

“What!?” Remus sat up so fast, he almost smacked into James.

“I found it in one of the books I grabbed. Wizards Weekly Underground is a catalog run by the Ministry to catch wizards doing illegal stuff.”

“Fuck.” Sirius ran his fingers through his hair and slumped back on the bed.

“Well, what do we do then?” Peter asked, having been silently observing thus far.

“We can nick the stuff from Slughorn, just slowly to avoid suspicion.” It was a half lie. Regulus would be doing the nicking, but they didn’t need to know that.

“Bloody hell. Good thing you caught that, James.” Remus said.

“Yeah. Almost ruined before we even started.” He smiled weakly. “I’ll steal the first set of phials on Tuesday. I know Ravenclaw has late tutoring sessions with Slughorn so it should be a breeze with the cloak.”

They all nodded.

“So how far does this set us back?” Peter asked.

“Not much, honestly. We still have a whole month with the leaves in our mouths to sort the rest out.”

“Speaking of, when do we start?” Sirius asked.

“Tuesday? Once we have the phials.” James responded, definitively. It would be easiest if Regulus was on the same schedule so all their steps were at the same time.

“Tuesday it is then, lads.” Sirius announced. The catalog thing had been a knock, but he seemed to be undeterred.

“Tuesday,” James agreed, slipping his leaf into his pocket and heading to the bathroom. It was late, and classes started tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Monday, September 1

Mondays classes were ever so boring to Regulus. Double History of Magic first thing on Monday mornings were going to be the death of him. Followed by Charms and Ancient Runes in the afternoon? Might as well just kill him now.

Least he had Barty and Evan with him. The weekend seemed to have done Barty a world of good, he wasn’t trembling nearly as much anymore, and was more or less back to his original self.

Sure, the two were usually walking a step in front of him, whispering in hushed tones with the occasional laugh slipping out. He didn’t mind. It gave him more time to focus on Animagus research.

Regulus spent Monday’s lunch in the library. It was quiet with the added bonus of being somewhere Sirius would never go. It wasn’t that he needed a refresher, some of the things he had read in his Mother’s book as a child would never leave his head, but he liked to be overly prepared.

Unfortunately, after putting in more effort than he would have liked to charm Madam Pince, a tall, reedy woman who could probably kill you in a million ways and hide the body before anyone blinked, they found the restricted section cleaned out of all Animagus books.

Regulus had to refrain from banging his head against the nearest wall. Of course. Instead he smiled at the Librarian and politely walked away, waving her off and telling her he would find sources elsewhere. Elsewhere being Kreacher.

To be completely honest, Regulus wasn’t sure if it would work. He had never called Kreacher to Hogwarts before but he figured with the kitchen staff and housekeepers being elves, their magic had to be permitted within the grounds.

So after slipping out of the library, he took a detour down to the dungeons, the opposite side from the Slytherin common room, and closed the door behind him in an empty classroom.

By the looks of it, it hadn’t been used in years. Cobwebs clung to the corners where he saw a few black spiders lazily spinning webs. The furniture was covered in a thick layer of dust which he hastily cleared off one chair with his wand. He wasn’t about to head back up to classes looking like a cat that had crawled through a chimney. After taking a seat on the now pristine wooden desk, he called out a hushed ‘Kreacher’, and waited.

It took longer than expected, but within ten minutes there was a fizzling ‘pop’ and the elf appeared in front of him.

He looked bad and Regulus’s heart squeezed at the sight of him. Knobbly fingers were bandaged with thick white wraps, his eyes were sunk and hollow and his grey skin was mottled with aging yellow bruises.

“Master Regulus,” The elf wheezed, falling to his knees. “To what do I owe the-“

“Fuck, Kreacher, what has she been doing to you?”

It wasn’t a direct order, so it was no surprise when Kreacher stayed silent, still on his knees looking up with baleful eyes.

“Kreacher?” He prodded.

“The Missus Black has been kind, she is a generous and grateful—“

“No, I command the truth.” He ordered.

The command took a great deal of strength for Kreacher to obey. Though he was technically Regulus’s elf, he was still bound to the Black family, and it was instilled deep in their beliefs that an elf should never talk badly of their masters.

“First there was the boiling of our hands. She means to find the missing teaspoon,” Kreacher spoke in a gravelly, slow tone and Regulus sucked a breath in. Of course she was still on about the teaspoon. Sirius would have known the house elves would be punished for his thievery. He just didn’t care. Add it to the list of things he was angry at his brother about. “Then Missus Black killed Toppin.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry Kreacher,” He interrupted and the elf fell silent. Regulus had liked Toppin, he always made the best tea. He should have known his mother wasn't going to let the teaspoon go. At this rate, she was going to kill all the elves before Regulus returned it. “I have the teaspoon. I need it for something very important but I’ll give it back as soon as I can, Ok?”

Kreacher nodded slowly at this, still staring up at Regulus, awaiting the reason why he had been called here.

“Can you get me something else from home? I need it for my studies. ‘Black Market Guide to Animagus’ Do you remember that book? You used to read it to me as a child.”

“Oh, yes, Kreacher remembers.” The elf replied, wringing his bandaged hands.

“Excellent. Please fetch it for me.”

“Yes, Master Regulus.”

Another pop and Kreacher disappeared. Regulus waited, turning a dusty quill over in his hands as he did.

Kreacher had practically raised him as a child, along with Sirius. Walburga was far too busy to deal with children, and that sort of work wasn’t fitting for her station in the infamous house of Black. So instead, she had assigned Kreacher. Regulus had loved the elf as a child. Still loved the elf. He had funny ears and didn’t mind the child pulling on them. Kreacher would read to him at night and sneak up dinner when he was sent to bed without it. Regulus had always liked the gruesome books, the ones higher up on the shelves in the family library, so he and Kreacher would sneak in and select the ones with the weirder titles. This continued long after Regulus learned to read, he enjoyed someone reading to him so his hands were free to do other things.

Sirius had an elf like that once too, he faintly remembers. Pippy, was its name? She had disappeared when Regulus turned 6. Regulus wondered briefly what had happened to her.

A third pop echoed through the room, announcing Kreacher's return. Regulus took a step forward, leaning down to take the book from the elfs outstretched arms.

“Thank you Kreacher.” He told the elf, already flipping through the pages.

“Is there anything else Kreacher can help Master Regulus with?”

“No.” He responded, absently, “Wait. Don’t tell Mother you were here.”

“Of course.”

One final crack and Regulus was alone in the classroom, with a highly illegal book. Fuck, he really needed to get to class now. Professor Flitwick would kill him if he was late on the first day. He shoved the book into his bag and walked swiftly off down the hallway.

————

James spent the entirety of Monday in a haze, trying to work out why exactly Regulus was offering to help. He spun it around in circles in his mind, wondering if perhaps the younger boy was trying to get closer to Sirius? But no, that didn’t make sense because he was adamant that no one but James knew of his involvement.

He just couldn’t work it out and it was driving him crazy. Even Sirius noticed something was up.

“Alright, mate?” He asked, in the middle of a Transfiguration lesson where they were supposed to be turning frogs into teacups. James’ frog kept croaking and hopping off the table.

“What? Oh, yeah, fine.” He attempted a cheery smile but it fell flat.

“You know your frog is currently making a grand escape?”

It was true. The thing was making a mad dash towards the open door.

“Oh, fuck.” James launched out of his seat and re-captured the green amphibian two leaps from freedom It let out a pitiful croak, resigned to the fate of being poorly transfigured.

“You sure?” Sirius leaned in and lowered his voice, “Is it about our…. experiment?”

James took the opportunity, grateful for an excuse.

“Yeah, I’m just stressed. It’s no big deal.” He replied, focusing on the frog again and waving his wand. It wasn’t much better than previous attempts. The green skin turned white and porcelain but nothing else changed. He waved his wand again and returned it to its original state.

“Listen, don’t worry. I can come with you to Slughorn's office tomorrow.” Sirius offered.

“What?! No you don’t have to, it’s fine.” James assured him.

“It’s not a problem, it would be fun.”

“No don’t, I’m serious, it’s nothing.”

“No, I’m Sirius.”

“Fuck off.” James cracked a weak smile and tried again with the frog.

————

Regulus was planning to get the phials from Slughorn on Monday night. The professor tutored 6th year Ravenclaws on Tuesday so he had limited time to get it right. Just after dinner, he would excuse himself and race to Slughorn's office.

“Have you ever wondered what Animagus you would be?” A dreamy voice floated across the table and Regulus looked up at Pandora with a guarded expression.

“No, why?”

“Just curious. I think I would be a moth.”

Honestly, that tracked. Pandora probably would be a moth. One of the pretty ones, maybe a Luna moth?

“Hmm. Yeah.”

“You're going to be a cat" She continued, "Untrusting and mysterious."

Pandora was always doing this, bringing up strange conversation topics out of the blue. Regulus swore she had some seer blood somewhere in her lineage. She knew things that went far beyond coincidence.

“Interesting.” He replied, wondering if her prediction would turn out to be true. Probably, she had a good eye for reading people.

“What about me, Pandora?” Dorcas chimed in, her decorated wrists jangling as she leaned forwards.

Pandora studied her for a moment with a faraway look in her eyes. “You would be…. A fox. Sly and curious.”

Dorcas smiled at this, tucking her intricate braids behind her back and setting down her fork.

“I like foxes.”

At this point, Evan leaned in. “And me?” He asked, curiously.

“Oh, that’s easy. You’d be a mink.”

“ A mink?” He sounded almost offended.

“Yes, they’re very slippery and smart.” Pandora didn’t sound phased in the slightest, she spoke like everything she was theorizing was just fact. “And Barty would be a raccoon.”

Upon hearing his name, Barty tuned into the conversation, only to be hit with all four students looking at him.

“What?” He asked, oblivious.

“You're a racoon, Pandora has decided.” Evan told him, still smirking.

“A raccoon…. For what?”

“Your animagus.”

“Oh, piss off, what are you then?”

“A mink.”

“The hell is a mink?”

“It’s like a water ferret.” Regulus explained.

“And you?”

“A cat.” He smiled, happy to have gotten a cooler animal than Barty or Evan. He would have never lived it down if he had gotten something stupid. They all took Pandora’s words at face value, it was the truth now, even if none of them ever confirmed it.

“Come on, can’t I be a tiger or something cool?” Barty complained.

“No, you’re a raccoon.” Dorcas replied happily.

“I don’t wanna be a racoon.” Barty told his dinner.

“Cheer up mate, we can go trash rummaging together,” Evan told him, barely ducking out of the way to avoid Bartys hand.

It devolved into chaos after that, ending with Pandora and Dorcas leaving the table to avoid the bits of food flying everywhere. Regulus scooted out of the blast zone and watched them sit back down at the Ravenclaw table before scanning the rest of the great hall. His eyes caught on the Gryffindor table, specifically the back of James' head before flicking up to meet Sirius’s eyes.

He returned a cold stare for a moment before getting up himself and leaving the hall.

It was on the second staircase leading to the dungeon that Sirius caught up with him. Fuck. He should have taken the long way.

“Regulus, wait!” His brother called, stopping at the top stair, out of breath. “Fuck, you walk fast,” He panted.

Regulus simply looked back, unyielding.

“Can we just talk?” Sirius asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“No.” Regulus continued to the dungeons, and Sirius followed.

“Listen, you can’t blame me for leaving. I was fucking suffocating in that house, it was killing me and you know it!”

“I don’t blame you.” Regulus said, his tone emotionless.

“Yes, you do. You won’t talk to me, you’re avoiding me and you’ve ripped up every letter I’ve sent.”

“Bullshit. You haven’t sent any letters. I would know. I waited for them all summer.” Regulus whirled around, eyes blazing and accusatory.

“Regulus, I swear I did.” Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, sighing.

“Whatever. I don’t care.” Back to emotionless. “Just fuck off, I’m busy.”

“You’re such a fucking prick.” Sirius snarled.

“Learned from the best.”

“Whatever happened to Poppi?” Regulus asked, stopping in place and getting in Sirius’s face. “Did you get her killed too? Oh wait… you wouldn’t know about that. Mother killed one of the house elves for your little disappearing act with the teaspoon. Did you think she wouldn’t find out? Or did you just not care? She fucking boiled Kreacher’s hands for that stunt! Do you even care about that?!”

Sirius seemed at a loss for words. “I… didn’t think she would notice.” He replied meekly, shrinking back in a way that was very un-Sirius-like.

“Of course you didn’t. You left then too, leaving me to clean up your messes. As fucking always.”

“I’ll give it back.”

“Don’t bother. The damage is already done. Now fuck off.”

Regulus stalked away, leaving Sirius on the stairs.

————

Regulus whipped his tie off in his dorm, smacking it against the bedpost before retrieving it and smoothing It back out. Fucking Sirius, trying to make everything all right. Telling him he had written letters over the summer when Regulus knew he hadn’t. Shit. A quick glance at the clock told Regulus he was running out of time. If he wanted to get those phials tonight, he would need to get a move on.

After running his hands through his hair one more time, he stood at the threshold of Slughorn's office, one hand poised to knock.

A minute later Professor Slughorn opened the door, beaming down at Regulus and motioning for him to come in.

“So, Regulus, my boy, what can I do for you?”

The older man was already at the drink cart, pouring himself a generous glass of amber liquid.

“Well, Professor, I was hoping you could help me out with some potion ingredients? You’re the only teacher I trust for help with this, seeing as we have such close familial relations. Mother says hello, by the way, she wanted to send her regards this summer, we were just so busy.”

He was really laying the charm on thick. It made him feel gross. Walburga despised Slughorn and his ‘slug club’ but had ordered Regulus to keep the man close. In her words ‘he might be a useful ally one day’. That day had come sooner than expected. Slughorn gobbled the attention up like flies to honey.

“Oh, yes, certainly. Walburga Black is a busy woman” He took a swig of the amber liquid and swished it around in his mouth before continuing. “What can I help you with then?”

“I was wondering if you had any spare crystal phials?” Regulus asked, trying to keep the visible disgust off his face.

“Hmm, I might? What potion are you brewing then, that needs advanced phials such as those?”

Regulus had come prepared. The animagus potion was far from the only one that needed pure crystal phials. The trick was finding a potion that rode the line between not too dark, and not innocent enough that he could brew it in broad daylight. Luckily, there was a potion that fit all those characteristics, Sinamulous. A potion that allows you to walk inside your own mind, so to speak. Once taken, you could visualize your own thoughts and reorder them any way you pleased, you could lock away thoughts behind walls with a wave of your hands and even tweak memories slightly. It had been most often used for people training in occlumency, and was frowned upon by the Ministry while not technically being illegal, though not many people knew about it anymore. There were easier methods to train nowadays, without spending six months brewing a potion.

“Sinamulous? I expect such a great potions master like yourself has heard of it?” Regulus asked.

Slughorn's reaction told him everything. He had no clue what Regulus was talking about. Perfect. He wouldn’t ask, so as not to make a fool of himself, but he would surely do some research about it once Regulus left. It would definitely pique Slughorn’s interest and allow for more discussion about it in the future. That way, Regulus could come to him with questions and ensure an in for when they needed the death’s-head hawk moth.

“Oh, yes I’ve heard of that one. Interesting potion that is.” Slughorn took another sip, disguising his confusion very well, in Regulus’s opinion. “I suppose I could help you out then, how many phials were you needing?”

The professor set down his drink now, and started walking to the back of the room, producing a set of keys from his pocket and opening a large cabinet. Within, there were rows upon rows of gleaming vials in all sizes.

“Four, if I may?”

Slughorn darted a thick hand out and scooped four small phials from the back row before closing the cabinet.

“Here you are my boy.”

“Thank you professor.” Regulus stated, looking for an out now that he had accomplished his mission.

“Stay for a brandy then? Let’s discuss this potion you’re brewing?” Slughorn offered, beaming down at Regulus.

Fuck. He had been banking on the fact that Slughorn would want to know more about it before asking questions.

“Certainly.” Regulus smiled back, sitting down on a large green armchair. He had to make this believable.

It was half past ten by the time Regulus finally extracted himself from Slughorn's grip. He trudged back to the Slytherin common room in a foul mood.

Barty and Evan were nowhere to be found but Marcus was getting ready for bed. Regulus ignored him entirely, completely done with socializing, and pulled the curtains on his own bed before cracking open his book.

Fucking Slughorn and his prying questions.

————

Tuesday, September 2

Tuesday passed in a haze of classes and rain for James. He had been so looking forward to getting down to the quidditch pitch during their free period Tuesday afternoon but Sirius had been in a mood since Monday night and absolutely refused to get soaking wet in the rainstorm.

Instead, he spent the afternoon in the library with Remus, double and triple checking their animagus research. Remus was overly concerned with the development, he had been beating himself up for the catalog slip up all day. James wasn’t phased, he didn’t blame Remus in the slightest, it had been a screw up on all their parts.

Finally, after dinner, they all retreated to the common room and James slipped up the stairs to retrieve his cloak and the map. He couldn’t chance one of them looking at it and seeing him with Regulus.

“You sure you don’t want company, mate?” Sirius asked for the third time. He had been trying to get in on the mission all day and James kept refusing. He was trying not to hurt Sirius’s feelings but he couldn’t just tell him that he was going to meet Regulus.

“Thanks, but I’m ok. It’ll be harder with two people, especially since we don’t fit under the cloak properly anymore.”

Sirius looked deflated at that, but James didn’t have time to be concerned.

“Ok, wish me luck.” He breathed and shot out the door.

The hallways were mostly empty but James stayed under the cloak anyways, only throwing it off when he was directly under the trapdoor to the astronomy tower. A quick glance at the map told him Regulus was already there.

James reached up and pushed the door open, climbing up the ladder with the cloak and map tucked under his arm. The tower was full of candles, only four of them lit, providing just enough light to see. Regulus had his back turned and was staring into the sky, his posture rigid and stiff, but whipped around at the noise, his one hand already going to his pocket.

“Jumpy are we?” James laughed as he closed the trapdoor behind him.

Regulus said nothing.

“Did you get them?” He asked, placing the cloak down and settling into one of the cozy pillowed chairs strewn around the tower.

“Yes.” Regulus responded, pulling four glimmering bottles from his pocket. “Did you cancel the catalog?”

“Yeah, Sirius did.”

Regulus looked away upon hearing his brother’s name but other than that, showed no sign of recognition.

“Good.”

“So…..” James didn’t quite know what to say.

“I want you to walk me through your research. Everything you know, the whole process from start to finish with as many details as possible.” Regulus stalked forwards now, pulling a cushion up across from James.

“Well I don’t have my notes.” James started.

“You shouldn’t need them.” Regulus snapped, his dark eyes reflecting the orange candle light. “You need to know all of this by heart. Every mistake, every possible outcome. Peter and Sirius too. You understand how dangerous this is? Not just the process but living with it afterwards? They’ll throw you in Azkaban for being an unregistered Animagus. The Ministry doesn’t play around with that stuff.”

“Ok ok, I get it.” James mumbled, he had never seen such intensity in someone’s eyes before.

“What do you know then, without your notes?” Regulus asked.

So James launched into his research, recalling as much as he could with Regulus filling in the blanks. They fell into an easy rhythm, Regulus relaxed a bit and pulled his wand out to light and extinguish random candles while James spoke, not even looking at the other boy when he corrected him.

Near the end, Regulus stood up and went to retrieve a book from across the room. Black Market Guide to Animagus. The book was thick and heavy and felt faintly of dark magic. James could feel the pull without it even in his hands.

“Read this, but keep it away from Sirius, he’ll know where it came from.” Regulus explained. “It’s a more comprehensive guide, it’ll tell you all the stuff the other books won’t. Sparing no details.”

“Is it from the Black house?” James inquired, taking the thick tome into his hands and flipping to the first page.

“Yeah. Kreacher used to read it to me.”

At this, James looked up, his eyes wide. “You read this as a child?”

“I liked the gruesome books.”

“Bloody hell. I’m gonna have nightmares reading this now.”

Regulus shrugged.

“And the leaves, all of you should start tonight. You can pretty much fuck up the leaves as many times as needed, the first step is safe enough. You can read up on that while we’re doing it.”

“Shit I should go. I told Sirius and them I was sneaking into Slughorn’s office to grab the phials tonight. They’re gonna think I got caught.” James explained, rising to his feet hastily and pulling the invisibility cloak up.

“Ok. Next Tuesday, same time.” Regulus responded.

“What, why?”

“To make sure everything goes smoothly. I want that whole book read by then, I’ll test you on it.”

“Yes, Professor Black.” James laughed.

The corners of Regulus’s mouth perked at that, though he turned away to hide it.

“Ha, I made you smile.” James remarked, before slipping down the ladder and letting the trapdoor bang shut behind him.

————

Remus was pacing the common room when James returned. He looked pale as a ghost and smacked James upside the head before greeting him.

“The fuck, Moony?”

“You took the map so we couldn’t even check if you’d been caught. What the hell took so bloody long?”

Sirius looked concerned too, though less so as James produced the three phials from his pocket, shifting to conceal the book pressed awkwardly on his hip. Peter clapped his hands and let out a visible sigh of relief.

“ I took the map as a precaution. And lucky I did, Slughorn got back early so I had to slip into the cupboard until he left the office.” The lie slipped out so easily that even James was mildly shocked at himself.

“Right, ok then.” Remus smiled finally, “Upstairs please, lads.”

They all filed up the spiral staircase and into the privacy of their dorm. James went first, tossing the book Regulus had given him onto his bed and throwing the cloak over it just as Sirius burst in.

He gave James an odd look before rifling through his trunk, coming up with a small carton of cigarettes from his trunk before settling down next to the window and cracking it open.

“Don’t look at me like that. I just want one last fag before having this leaf in my mouth for a whole damn month.”

James smiled and let it go. Normally he would be losing his mind at Sirius smoking in the dorm but he figured he could oblige him just once.

Remus and Peter shuffled in finally. Remus took one look at the open window and sat down beside Sirius, flicking his wand to light his own cigarette.

“Really, Remus?” James asked, putting on his best impression of a disapproving dad.

“What! You’re letting him!” He returned, indignant at the double standards.

“Such a bad influence you are, Sirius.” James shook his head and sat down on his bed. “As soon as you two are done killing yourselves, we really need to pop those leaves in before tomorrow.”

“Mmmmhmmm.”

Peter came over and they played a quick round of exploding snap while Sirius and Remus finished their cigarettes. Peter won and high-fived Remus as he flicked the butt out the window. Sirius took one last puff and followed suit.

“Ok. Everyone got your leaves?” James asked, sliding off his bed to join the other boys on the floor. They all nodded assent, pulling their leaves out, with the exception of Remus, who looked on with fascination.

“That’s gotta be super uncomfortable.” He chimed in, looking very proud that he wasn’t a part of it.

“Thanks,” Sirius replied flatly, holding his leaf up to cheers it, before popping it in his mouth.

James and Peter did the same. Remus was right, James thought. It was an extremely odd feeling. His mouth kept wanting to swallow or chew it and he had to remind himself to not. After a few moments of pushing it around, he tucked it under his tongue.

“I hate this.” He said, mumbling slightly. Sirius and Peter nodded.

“How are we suupothed to chew?” Peter asked, seemingly having difficulties tucking the leaf under his own tongue.

“You know, you don’t have to do this.” Remus reminded them with an air of superiority.

“Yes, we do.” Sirius said, having worked his own leaf out quickly.

It was a strange thing to get used to, and for the rest of the night, James was pushing the leaf around with his tongue. There was nowhere it sat comfortably, except under his tongue, but then it poked into his gums.

He tossed and turned all night, trying to get accustomed to the feeling.

Deep in the dungeons, Regulus was having the same issue.

Chapter Text

Friday, September 5

As it turns out, holding a mandrake leaf in your mouth is extremely complicated. At least for the first few days. Regulus was quickly getting sick of it, he couldn’t eat properly, talking was a bit of an issue, but Regulus was naturally quiet, the worst part was just the constant fucking poking.

Mandrake leaves were pointy, not smooth or rounded, they had spiked ridges, almost like holly leaves, so anyway it sat, it was constantly digging into his mouth.

It put him in a foul mood for the next three days. He stuck to porridge for breakfast, as it required no chewing, and soups for lunch and dinner. All in all, it was miserable.

Regardless, he stuck it out. By the end of the week, the pointed bits of the leaf had smoothed considerably, he could tuck it under his tongue and almost forget it was there.

He had taken to spending time with Pandora ever since she broached the topic of Animagus. He was convinced now that she was definitely a seer. In the last few days, with nothing else to do, Regulus had spent time in the library looking into her lineage. Perks of being a wizard, the community is so small there are books on family heritages at school.

Anyways, he had found that she did indeed have seer blood, not too far back either, her grandfather, Eugene Rosier. And Regulus wanted to prove that it had trickled down. It was just an added bonus that she didn’t mind him being silent. Pandora had always been good like that, talking if the conversation was too quiet, or just letting it fall into an easy silence.

He walked with her to her classes before darting off to make his own, he would find her in the library in the afternoons and they would walk to dinner together. It was nice. Regulus wasn’t one to be surrounded by people, he usually found it draining. But Pandora seemed to have the opposite effect, he genuinely enjoyed her company.

It was on Friday afternoon that she brought the topic up again. They were walking to the library so Pandora could research the effects of glow bugs in potions. Not for any class, just because she wanted to. Another thing about Pandora, she had a deep fascination with bugs. Any of them, no matter how weird or creepy, she adored them all. They always seemed to find her somehow, if she was outside, it wouldn’t take long before some manner of insect found its way into her hand.

It happened as they were walking along an empty corridor on the fifth floor, Pandora chatting about how endlessly captivating glow bugs were, while waving her hands animatedly. Until she stopped suddenly and peered into his eyes with the intensity of a thousand suns.

“So, how’s it going?” She asked.

“Uhhhh, good?” Regulus got the impression that she wasn’t asking about him in general.

“What do Mandrake leaves taste like?” She continued, in that faraway tone, like she was thinking of something else.

It took Regulus a moment to swallow his shock and form a reply. He pulled her into an alcove, probably unnecessary since the hall was completely abandoned.

“How did you know?” He hissed.

“I saw it a few weeks ago. I did tell you the truth at dinner the other day, you’re going to be a cat.”

“Pandora, what do you mean ‘you saw it’?”

“I don’t know, I just saw it.” She replied, sounding slightly scared. “I see things sometimes and they always come true. It’s true right? You’re becoming an animagus?”

In reply, Regulus stuck his tongue out, showing her the leaf. “Yeah, it’s true. You can’t say anything.”

“I won’t” She suddenly grasped his hand and clung to it tightly. “You have to be safe. It’s important.”

Regulus was taken aback by her intensity. “Why? What else have you seen?”

“Bits and pieces. I’m…. Not sure. I just know this is important.”

“But what do you mean?” He pressed.

Pandora shut her eyes tightly and pulled her hand back. “I don’t know.”

“Ok. Ok. It’s fine” Regulus softened, leaning back into the window. “Let’s go find some books on your glow bugs, shall we?”

Pandora nodded, opening her eyes warily but following Regulus down the hall.

He didn’t bring it up again after that. It was all the proof needed, Pandora was certainly a seer. Oddly enough, he trusted her completely. He was sure she wouldn’t breathe a word of his illegal activities. Despite getting the proof he needed, he still continued spending time with her, genuinely enjoying just being around her. So much so, that Evan and Barty began making fun of him.

“Reggie, are you keen on my sister?” Evan asked him later that evening in their dorm.

“Reg-u-LUS” He snapped back, “And no.”

“You’re sure spending a lot of time with her.”

“Piss off, she’s helping me with Care of Magical Creatures.” A safe bet considering Evan and Barty were taking Divination that period instead.

“Mhhhmm. I’m sure.” Evan replied, white Barty waggled his eyebrows at Regulus.

Regulus let out a snort and snapped his trunk closed. “I’m leaving.” He announced, pulling his book from the side table and stalking out of the room. He could hear Barty howling with laughter as he set off down the hall.

————

Tuesday, September 9

The astronomy tower was empty when James got there on the following Tuesday. He busied himself lighting candles before settling down on one of the coloured cushions and tracking Regulus’s name on the map. He watched it pace the Slytherin common room before starting off down the halls. He walked fast, James noted.

Despite tracking his name, he still jumped when the trapdoor banged open and Regulus’s curls poked through the floor. As soon as he closed the door behind him, his eyes snapped to the parchment in James' hand.

“What’s that?” He asked, standing rigid in place.

“The Marauders Map.” James announced proudly, genuinely pleased to have someone to brag to.

“…… the what?”

“It’s a map we all made, it shows the location of everyone in the castle at any given time.”

Regulus turned that around in his mind for a moment before speaking again.

“Are you stalking me?”

It was such an absurd sentence that James had to laugh, until he realized that he had indeed been doing just that.

“No.” He denied.

“It’s open to my name.”

“Must be a coincidence.”

“Ok… stalker.” Regulus muttered, setting his book bag down and sitting down. “Have you read the book?” He questioned.

“Most of it. It’s pretty gruesome, I keep imagining an eight year old Regulus reading it as a bedtime story and getting distracted.” James told him truthfully.

“Don’t imagine me at all.” Regulus deadpanned.

Secretly, James thought that would be pretty hard. But instead of answering, he stretched and splayed his limbs out like a cat. His ankle knocked into Regulus’s leg and the other boy immediately jerked away.

“So quiz me then,” James yawned, the early morning quidditch practice had left him quite tired.

“You haven’t finished the book.”

“Yes, but I've read about all manners of horrible side effects that you would love to hear me talk about.”

“Fine. What happens if you drink the potion at the wrong time?”

“Easy, you basically get splinched and end up half animal, half human. Irreversible too.” James replied.

Regulus nodded, “What if the dew you add is impure?”

“Oh, that was a fun one, when you transform, your soul can get stuck, leaving you in the passenger seat of your animal. Also irreversible.”

Regulus continued questioning him for another half hour before moving on.

“You should find a spot for your phials by the way. You need to soak them in pure rays of moonlight for as long as possible, so do that tonight and leave them alone until the mandrake leaves are ready.”

James knew that already, through his own copious research, but he nodded along anyways. Sirius, Remus and Peter had already decided to have James fly the phials up to the roof of Gryffindor tower, he was going to do it tomorrow.

“Where are you putting yours?” He asked.

“Greenhouse roof, I’m one of the only ones with access.”

“Right. Because of your private lessons with Professor Sprout.”

“They’re not lessons,” Regulus snapped, “I happen to enjoy helping her out.”

“Of course.” James threw his hands up in mock surrender.

“We’re going to gather the dew Saturday morning. Bring the teaspoon and the map, we’ll meet here. Class dismissed.” Shit, James was going to have to find a way to ditch Peter now, they were supposed to do that step together.

Regulus stood up at this point, abruptly ending the ‘lesson’.

“Hey, wait.” James leaned forwards, “Why won’t you talk to Sirius? He’s absolutely miserable.”

“I’m not talking about this with you.” Regulus didn’t even turn around torreply, instead pulling the trapdoor up and slipping down in a graceful motion. “Saturday morning.” He repeated before letting the door bang shut, leaving James alone in the astronomy tower.

The walk back seemed like such a long way, and James was ever so cozy, but he dragged himself up and began the trek to Gryffindor tower anyways, keeping one eye on the map to avoid Filch. Definitely not for any other reason, though he did smile seeing Regulus’s name make it back to the Slytherin dorms without issue.

Shit, maybe he was a stalker.

————

Unfortunately, Evan and Barty were still awake when Regulus made it back to the dorms at quarter to nine.

They were playing a rather rowdy game of exploding snap, and managed to convince Regulus to join in. He actually enjoyed it, even winning a few rounds, much to Barty’s dismay. Barty had self proclaimed he was ‘the king of exploding snap’ and Regulus took great joy in knocking him down a peg. Evan was greatly pleased at this as well, and he and Regulus danced a circle around Barty upon his third win in a row.

“So whaddya think about Dorcas?” Barty asked as they settled into the ninth game. He was smoking another cigarette, which Regulus hated the smell of but kept his mouth shut.

“Mate, you are not getting within ten feet of that.” Evan laughed.

“If you could convince Pandora to help me out, I’d have a chance.” He protested.

“Oi, find your own sister to use as a wingman!”

“Regulus could help, since him and ‘Dora are so tight now.” Barty turned to him with a hopeful expression.

“No fucking way.” Regulus replied, snapping down a card with a bang. “Besides, she’s older than you and a Ravenclaw.”

“I’m being bullied.” Barty told the ceiling before placing his own card.

“Maybe we could find you a nice female raccoon?” Regulus suggested, causing Evan to crack up. It had become a running joke between the three of them.

“Oh, fuck off.” Barty responded through a smile he was trying to hide.

Regulus won that match as well, and had to jump up to avoid Barty trying to tackle him. They chased each other around the room for a few minutes before Marcus returned, putting a quick stop to the antics.

It got quiet after that as they all turned in for bed, and Regulus found himself looking forward to Saturday morning in the vulnerable moments before he slipped off to sleep.

————

Friday, September 12

James loved Peter. He really did. But if Peter made one more comment about how irritating the mandrake leaves were, he was going to throttle the boy with his bare hands. Every single time they were alone, he was going off about how it was so inconvenient and annoying to hold it in his mouth, or how much he was going to enjoy spitting it out finally. It was driving James to insanity. It wasn’t that bad in James' opinion. Sure it was slightly inconvenient, but he had long since mastered how to chew and talk without it disrupting him.

He started spending time in the library to avoid him. Remus was actually happy with this development, the two of them quickly became study partners, or more accurately, James became Remus’s study partner. He would quiz the boy on certain subjects, or sometimes they would just read quietly, enjoying the other’s company. James got the sense that Sirius was a bit jealous with this arrangement, but he denied all of James’s offers for him to join, stating he would rather pull teeth than waste his time in the library.

All in all, Sirius was more miserable than usual. James wanted to chalk it up to the mandrake leaves, but he could sense there was something else really bothering him. He tried to bring it up sometimes, but Sirius just waved him off. It was slightly concerning, the only time James ever saw his friend happy anymore was during quidditch practice.

By the second Friday of September, James was ready to jump Sirius just to find out what was bothering him so much. Thankfully, it didn’t come to that, and Sirius himself sought James out to talk.

James was alone in the dorm writing a paper for Defence Against the Dark Arts, Remus was getting antsy as it came closer to the full moon, and was brooding alone on one of his walks, while Peter was…. Actually James wasn’t sure where Peter was. He was about to check the map out of curiosity when Sirius opened the door and stalked in. He banged it shut behind him and flopped onto the door of James bed.

“You alright?” He asked, putting down his quill and looking at Sirius.

“Do you think he hates me?” Sirius asked, sounding thoroughly miserable.

“Uh, who?”

“Regulus.” Sirius twisted his head and met James' eyes.

Fuck. Uh. James truly didn’t know. Regulus had shut it down when James tried to bring it up, and James had no siblings of his own. It was the only thing he was completely in the dark about.

“Not sure mate. Why?”

Sirius sighed. “Well, I ambushed him the other day and he sounded like he hated me. And now he’s back to ignoring me….”

James didn’t know what to say.

“He blamed me for the death of one of our elves. Mother had it killed for the missing teaspoon. But I swear I didn’t think she would even notice! And he never got the letters I sent over the summer. He said that he never even saw them, I think Mother was intercepting them and destroying them. But you remember right? I sent him at least four!”

James nodded, recalling the times Sirius had locked himself in James' room and scribbled letters to send to Regulus. He made a mental note to back up Sirius’s story to Regulus the following morning.

“I’m sorry, mate.” It was really the only thing James could think to say. He was horrible at this.

“It’s ok.” Sirius waved him off. “I just…… fuck, I always say the wrong thing to him.”

“I think he gets it though,” James tried, “ I think he knows that you’re trying?”

“But he’s not! That’s the issue, I keep trying and he shuts it down! Why doesn’t he care enough to try? It’s like he blames me for leaving him there but they fucking adore him, James. I would never have left if I thought that Reg was in any danger. You know that! I just…. Fuck I just don’t know how to fix this.”

Sirius sounded so distraught, James wanted to help so badly but he didn’t know what to say when it came to Sirius and his brother. Siblings were the one thing James was useless at.

Remus banged the door open before James could formulate a reply. He flopped onto the bed next to Sirius and sighed restlessly.

“Either of you wanna raid the kitchen with me?” He asked, tapping his long fingers against the wooden bedpost.

“Yeah, let’s go.” Sirius jumped at the chance and shot one last miserable look at James before whirling out of the room alongside Remus.

James sighed and picked up his essay again, making a mental note to talk to Regulus about this tomorrow. They were going into the Forbidden Forest so Regulus couldn’t run away this time.

————

Saturday, September 13

Regulus was NOT a morning person. Apparently it ran in the family. Early Saturday morning, he dragged himself out of bed and got dressed in a haze. It took all the effort in the world to not just roll into bed and slip back under the covers.

With the Slytherin dorms being in the dungeon, all the windows looked out into the lake, so the sunlight was minimal. Usually Regulus enjoyed this feature, but on this particular morning, it was making him so much more tired. All the windows were still dark and he couldn’t help but be bitter at the fact that every other person in Slytherin was still fast asleep.

He didn’t even remember walking up to the astronomy tower but James' head poked up at the sight of him, annoyingly awake and perky.

“Morning!” He chirped, with a huge smile.

“I will kill you.” Regulus responded.

“Not a morning person?”

“What gave it away?”

“Well I think mornings are beautiful, you get to watch the sun rise, everything’s so fresh and new, it’s a new day, full of possi-“

“Do you have a death wish?”

“Fine. Silence it is.” James replied sullenly.

He stuck to his promise as they walked down to the forest. It was so ungodly early that not a single person was roaming the halls, though they kept the map out just in case.

Regulus would never admit it, but he actually admired the map. It was a rather genius idea. He wondered how long it took to perfect.

“So how far in are we going?” James asked as they reached the treeline. The sun was just now peeking over the horizon, casting everything in a haze of purple and blue.

“Far.” Regulus replied, thinking wistfully of his warm bed.

“Very descriptive.”

“My apologies, we’re going to walk precisely 75461 steps forwards, then turn left— fuck James, I don’t know how far in we’re going, until we find some dew in the right place.”

James laughed at this, a sharp sound that took Regulus by surprise. He allowed himself to smile a bit, too.

————

James decided that he liked Regulus better in the morning. He was less guarded and still a bit addled from sleep. He was funny too, actually saying what popped into mind, which made James laugh. He decided that he liked hearing Regulus say his name as well.

“How about there?” James asked after they had been walking in silence for a bit. He was pointing to a patch of dew in the shade of a large oak tree.

“No. Too close to that patch of sunlight.” Regulus responded, not stopping.

“Are you always this cross?” James inquired, stumbling over a root.

“I’m not cross.”

“Oh, sure. You could kill someone with a single look, I bet.”

“Untrue. If I had that ability you would be dead already.”

“You want me dead?” James gasped, in mock sadness.

“Undecided.”

“Hm. Well, there's always room for me to change your mind.”

“Not likely.”

“What about that?” James stopped again and pointed to a patch of dew far back against another tree. There was no sunlight peeking through the trees anywhere near it.

“Maybe.” Regulus walked forwards and bent down beside the tree, inspecting the dew. He pulled his wand out in a fluid motion and muttered a spell quietly. A thin golden veil fell over the patch and Regulus nodded. “Ok, this is good. Teaspoon?”

James pulled the spoon out of his pocket and handed it over. “What was that spell?”

“Advanced detection. No one has been this way in over seven days.”

James nodded, even though Regulus’s head was turned away. He produced two vials from the folds of his robes and began scooping the dew carefully into them. When the one was full, he handed it up to James and began filling the other.

When he was finished, he pocketed the second vial and gave James the spoon back.

“Make sure no one opens that until it’s time to add the dew.” He instructed as they turned back the way they came.

“Can I ask you a question?” James prodded.

“Depends.”

“What animal do you think you’re gonna get?”

“A cat.” The answer came so quick it caught James off guard.

“You sound so sure.”

“I am sure. Pandora saw it.”

Oh? What could that possibly mean? James pondered this as they continued back towards the exit. He knew Pandora was the older sister of Evan Rosier, she was a Ravenclaw and a bit odd in James' opinion.

“Ok, I give up. Explain?”

“She’s a seer. She saw it.” Regulus said, sounding completely sure of himself.

“Really? Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“How do you know? What else has she seen?”

“She told me. And I don’t know, I didn’t ask.” Regulus ran his hands through his curls. “You can’t say anything.”

“I won’t.” James promised. “Wow.”

“What about you? What animal do you think you’ll get?”

Really, James hadn’t thought about it. He had heard Sirius and Peter wondering, Peter wanted a bird, and Sirius was ok with anything ‘not lame’.

“Maybe some kind of bird would be cool. Flying is fun.” James thought he would be ok if he got something else though, he could always fly on a broom.

“Hm. Yeah.”

They lapsed back into silence before James broke it once more.

“Can I ask you another question?”

“Fine.”

“Do you hate Sirius?”

“You don’t get to ask about that.” Regulus responded, unphased.

“Because he thinks you do,” James continued, “He thinks you hate him and blame him for leaving, and he really did send you letters over the summer. Don’t hate him ok? You know how much he hated that house. How horribly your parents treated him-“

“James.” Regulus interrupted, his voice dead calm. “Stop.”

He didn’t stop. “He had to get out ok, he needed some freedom-“

“And I didn’t?!” Regulus stopped and turned to James, his dark eyes full of anger. “ I’m still fucking there! I don’t get to leave now! Do you get that? I’m there forever. They will never let me go, I have to be the perfect heir for the Black family. And fuck, I’ll do it. I’ll do it willingly so Sirius can live his life but you don’t get to sit here and lecture me about family matters. You don’t get to tell me I have to forgive Sirius for abandoning me in that house. You have no fucking idea what Im sacrificing so Sirius can go be ‘free’.”

James struggled to find something to say, but Regulus was already marching forwards.

“I’m sorry…” He tried.

“Don’t” Regulus snapped.

They parted ways at the treeline and Regulus didn’t look back.

Later, James would look back and think that perhaps, if he could have found the right thing to say, things might have turned out different. If maybe he had tried harder, he could have convinced Regulus that he had the right to make a different choice. But as we know, fate is a bitch, and their stories were already set in stone.

Chapter Text

Monday, September 15

The full moon had been a bad one. Remus was still out of commission on Monday night, a full 24 hours after the full moon, and Sirius hadn’t left his side all day, despite James’s protests.

Remus had been in and out of consciousness the whole time. He had done some serious damage as a werewolf and was sporting half a dozen new scars, the most notable one being a huge jagged line across his stomach. When James had first seen it, his first thought was wondering how the hell Remus had even survived.

Sometimes it was terrifying, being Remus’s friend.

Madam Pomfrey was being even more fussy than usual, understandably so, but James was still a bit annoyed. They had all been coming to the hospital wing following the full moon for years now. She should know to expect them by now.

James spent the entirety of Monday running to and from the hospital wing between classes. He brought sandwiches for Sirius who still stubbornly refused to leave.

When the day was finally over, James was so exhausted he fell asleep in minutes.

It took Remus another half day to recover, so Sirius was missing from the morning classes again. James was lonely without him. It wasn’t often that Sirius and James were separate. Peter was there, of course, but Peter was studious, like Remus. He paid attention and took copious notes.

James missed his best friend, the only person he could make jokes with in the middle of a lesson and not be met with a “shhhhhh”. It felt like half of himself was missing. But then, of course, that made him feel guilty because what right did he have to be missing Sirius when Remus was lying injured in the hospital wing. Round and round it went, James spent the whole second day beating himself up. So when he returned to the dorm after lunch and found Sirius and Remus smoking cigarettes out the window, he didn’t even complain. Just broke into a huge smile and settled down between them, slinging an arm on each one's shoulder.

They didn’t say anything. Just sat like that until the cigarettes were burnt down. No words were needed. They all knew.

“Hm. No one told me,” Peter joked as he wandered in a few minutes later.

“Aw, Petey, You know we love you!” James called, making kissey faces at the shorter boy.

Peter raised his eyebrows and smiled, taking a seat on the bed opposite them and cracking open a book.

————

Tuesday, September 16

Regulus had spent the rest of his weekend avoiding everyone but Pandora. She was the only person he wanted to be around. He invited her into the greenhouses with him and they spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday there.

Pandora, as it turned out, had a massive green thumb. Professor Sprout had even signed off on her so they could work there all day without supervision. There was always something to be done in the greenhouses.

It was wonderful. She never pressed or poked Regulus to speak so they often went hours without saying a word. Other times they would chat about anything and everything. Pandora would go on long tangents about her bugs and Regulus would listen, occasionally asking a question but mostly just nodding, sometimes Regulus would ask for her advice. They talked at length about his family issues, though it never seemed to get anywhere. He even asked her opinion on James Potter, regaling her with the story of his outburst and asking what she thought. She would answer honestly and that was it. She never expected him to do anything with the solutions she provided. It was so easy and he genuinely enjoyed it.

Once or twice, he caught Pandora staring off into the distance, her eyes glazed over and non responsive, Regulus would simply wait for her to return to earth and then they would talk. Her visions never made any sense, just snippets of pictures, tiny pieces of a puzzle that would only be solved with time. Regulus got the sense she was grateful to have someone to share her visions with though. Someone to help make sense of the tangled webs in her mind.

When classes finally resumed on the following Monday, Regulus was disappointed. Pandora had agreed to meet him in the evening after classes to continue their herbology, but the little bubble of solitude they had created on the weekend popped the minute Regulus walked into the great hall and was surrounded by people again..

He was determined to avoid James and Sirius now. Though as it turned out,he didn’t have to put much, or any, effort into it. Both Sirius and James were AWOL from meals. Regulus was thoroughly confused as to why, until he remembered it had been the full moon on Sunday night.

Their absence continued until Tuesday afternoon, where Regulus spotted all four of the Gryffindors at their regular seats in the great hall. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little bit relieved. Remus had always been kind to him in their few interactions, a bit quiet, but so was Regulus, so he couldn’t blame him for that.

James caught his eye from across the hall once or twice that day and Regulus had scowled, tuning back into whatever conversation was going on at the Slytherin table.

Regulus still couldn’t decide on whether or not to go to the astronomy tower that night. They had two more weeks left with the Mandrake leaves and there was no pressing issue that he needed to talk to James about, but they had agreed to meet every Tuesday and Regulus felt as though he needed to show James that he wasn’t rattled in the slightest.

After tossing it about in his mind all through dinner, he simply couldn't make up his mind. In the end it was Pandora that urged him to go. They were in the greenhouse again, their usual routine after dinner . Professor Sprout had asked for their help with a stuffed Snargaluff. So off they went, clad in thick leather gloves and working together to extract Snargaluff pods from a particularly nasty tangle of vines.

“Are you going to meet him tonight?” Pandora had asked in a gentle voice.

“I don’t know.” Regulus replied honestly.

“You should.” Pandora smiled at him.

“Why?”

“I just get the sense you’ll regret it if you don’t”

“Ok.” And that was it. Pandora's advice was priceless, Regulus always took it. If a seer tells you to do something, you do it. So after dinner, he slipped out of the common room and climbed the stairs to the astronomy tower, dreading what would come next. Knowing James, he would probably try to drag Regulus into a heartfelt conversation where they share their feelings.

————

James had been worried Regulus wasn’t going to show. He paced the astronomy tower, keeping an eye fixed on the map that showed ‘Regulus Black’ in the Slytherin common room. When at last, the name started moving down the halls, James exhaled a breath of relief, then stopped. Why was he even so concerned with this? It didn’t affect him. He already had one Black brother to worry about. Regulus was NOT his problem. Right?

Euphemia Potter was constantly telling him he needed to stop collecting strays.

“Your heart's too big, you can’t save them all.” She had told him once. Maybe that was true, but Regulus was a different case, James could really help. Maybe it was naive but James had never been able to stop himself. He was a bleeding heart for broken people.

Despite all that, James was still at a loss for words when Regulus banged the trapdoor open and pulled himself up through it. They stood there for a few moments, staring at each other before Regulus nodded his head at the open map and broke the silence.

“Stop stalking me. It’s creepy.”

“I’m not, I just didn’t know if you were going to come.” James tried to explain.

“Still creepy.”

“Sorry.”

“…..”

“I finished reading the book.” James offered, holding the thick leather-bound pages up.

“Good. The phials are on the roof?”

“Yeah, I put them up a few days ago.”

“Ok.” Regulus turned and started to open the door to climb back down.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“To bed?”

“Aren’t you going to quiz me?” James didn’t want him to leave just yet, he needed to apologize, to make Regulus understand that he wasn’t trying to pry.

Sigh. “James, you don’t need me to quiz you.”

“I know…I’m just….. I’m sorry about the other day.”

“It’s fine.” Still no hint of emotion.

“You know, you deserve to have your own life as well,” James started, “Sirius leaving doesn’t change anything, you can still get out if you want-“

“I said it was fine.”

“Ok.” James knew better now, than to push the subject.

Regulus closed the trapdoor and scooped the book up before settling down into a purple cushion.

“What are you doing?”James asked.

“Quizzing you.”

He smiled, pulling up a seat and lying down so he could look up as Regulus spoke. The glass roof overhead was immaculate, allowing every star to shine though. James looked up at them and traced the constellations with his eyes. He found Sirius easily enough, the brightest star in the sky was hard to miss.

“What is the-“

“Hey, where’s your star?” James interrupted.

“What?”

“I know where Sirius’s is, where’s yours?”

Regulus studied him for a second before getting up and moving to sit beside James. He leaned back so they were parallel looking up at the sky. Regulus shifted over and James could feel his curls brush his forearm for the briefest of moments.

“That one.” Regulus pointed.

James had no idea where he was even looking. “Where?”

“The little one in the middle of the Leo constellation.”

Astronomy had never been James' strong suit. “I don’t see it….” He lifted a hand up, trying to copy where Regulus was pointing. “There?”

“No.” Cold fingers suddenly wrapped around James wrist and moved his hand very gently to the left. “There.”

“Oh.” James could see it now. It was fainter than Sirius’s, but still shimmered in the cosmos, a beacon against the backdrop of the universe. “Sirius is brighter.”

“Thanks.” Regulus replied, dropping his hand.

“No, I didn’t.. I think the most beautiful things don’t need to be the brightest. Everyone can find the brightest star, it’s not special. The real beauty comes from the ones that shine without needing to be seen.” James breathed.

“I’m telling him you said that.” Regulus laughed. It was the first time James had ever heard that sound. He loved it.

“Please don’t.” He whispered.

“I can’t just get out, you know.” Regulus responded suddenly, his voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t just leave like Sirius did.”

“Why not?”

“They need me.” Regulus said, like it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Fuck them.” James blurted. “They can find someone else.”

“There is no one else.”

“They hurt you, they hurt Sirius.”

“.....I love them.” And there it was. The ugly truth of the matter.

“Why?” James didn’t understand. How could you love someone capable of hurting you? How could you love someone who did hurt you, repeatedly, without remorse?

“They’re not like Sirius says. At least not with me. Sure, they’re flawed, but they’re not evil. They just want the best for us, and Sirius doesn’t get that. If he just stopped trying so hard to be different, it could be better.”

His voice was so full of hope. Naive and young, he sounded like a child. James shook his head. “They’re blood purists.”

And that was the only thing that mattered. His mind was already made up, James hated the Black family, hated everything they stood for, hated their bigoted, purist mindset.

Regulus sighed, pulling away from where they were staring up at the stars. He cracked the book open again and flipped to a random page.

“What’s the spell you have to recite every morning and sunset?”

————

Wednesday, October 1

The next two weeks passed in a blur for Regulus. He spent most of his free time with Pandora in the greenhouse, or practicing for the Gryffindor/Slytherin Quidditch match. It was going to be the first one of the year, and Regulus was the seeker.

Truthfully, he had almost forgotten he made the team last year. With all the animagus stuff, his mind had been rather occupied. It was Barty that had finally reminded him, questioning why he was missing so many practices. Regulus had got into gear after that. He really didn’t want to be kicked off the team.

So every morning before classes, Barty, Evan and Regulus made their way down to the pitch. Barty was a beater, and Evan was just there for moral support. He usually brought along homework or books to read in the stands.

Regulus hadn’t realized how much he had missed flying over the summer until he was in the air again. The way the wind ripped through his hair and woke him up instantly. The way he could dart through the stands, barely missing the wood and sail out the other side unharmed. It was freedom.

He was quite good, too, usually catching the snitch within 20 minutes in every practice. His broom helped immensely, the newest model, a rare gift from his parents for his fifteenth birthday, which had happened during the summer.

The Slytherin team was extremely prepared for the match, and Regulus couldn’t wait. It was scheduled for a Friday afternoon, three days after the mandrake leaves were going to come out. It was good timing. Even though Regulus hardly even noticed the foreign object in his mouth anymore, it would be just his luck to get knocked during the game and accidentally spit it out or swallow it.

Him and James were meeting every Tuesday night now, and they had decided at the last one that James would nick the teaspoon from Sirius after they had measured their own dew drops, then he would try and get away as fast as possible and meet Regulus so he could get his potion done too. James had even agreed that Regulus could keep the teaspoon and return it home. Hopefully it would ease his Mother’s anger at the elves.

The weekend leading up to that Tuesday was exceedingly boring in Regulus’s opinion. Pandora was busy with homework so Regulus was in the greenhouse by himself the whole time. When he wasn’t tending to the plants he was finishing ‘Grapes of Wrath’. It was a disturbing book and when he finally finished it, he took great pleasure in destroying it.

He burned it with a simple curse in the empty Slytherin common room, vanishing the ashes it left behind and feeling a sense of satisfaction at wiping it off the face of the earth, even if it was just one copy.

————

Tuesday, October 7

James was having the time of his life practicing with Sirius in the weeks leading up to the first quidditch match. The Slytherins always had the pitch in the morning, much to Sirius’s approval, and James’s dismay. So James would make Sirius go out with him in the evenings, they would spend hours running drills and goofing off on their brooms before running back up to the castle for dinner. They missed it a couple times, but with the map, they could just sneak down to the kitchens so it wasn’t a huge deal.

Remus had made a full recovery from his recent transformation and had launched himself back into Hogwarts life, full-tilt.

The first prank of fifth year and actually been Remus’s idea the day after he returned from the hospital wing and Jmes ahd never been more proud.. They had been catching up on homework in the common room when Remus had launched up, his eyes bright and full of mischief.

“I’ve got it.” He announced proudly.

“Got what?” Sirius had asked, half asleep on the couch next to the fireplace.

“Our first prank.”

That had gotten Sirius’s attention. He perked up, the familiar spark returning to his eyes after what had been a long day.

“Well, you know how Professor Flitwich is teaching us about weather charms?” Remus said, putting down his quill, “The great hall is enchanted with one big weather charm…”

James smirked, knowing where this was going.

“And we just learned the counter-curse.”

“Oh, Remus I could kiss you, this is genius.” Sirius blurted out.

“With all four of us, we could easily redo the charm so the rain doesn’t dissipate on a specific section of the hall.”

“Soaking the Slytherins?” Peter asked.

“Exactly.” Remus replied. “We can do it on the day of the match, dampen their spirits a bit beforehand. Besides, most of those slimy gits need a shower. We really should help them out.”

“It's perfect..” James replied, truthfully.

They spent the better part of the weekend before the Slytherin/Gryffindor match soaking various couches and perfecting the spellwork. By the time Tuesday night rolled around, it was foolproof. Though much to James dismay, Sirius insisted they practice the spell once more before retiring to their dorm.

It was almost nine when James finally forced them to leave. Citing that they had to get a move on in case something went wrong with the next step in the animagus process.

“Oh, mandrake leaf. I am not going to miss you at all.” Peter serenaded his sopping leaf as he shoved it into a crystal phial along with a single strand of his hair. They were back in the dorm now and James was staring at the clock, full of anxiety. Regulus was going to be pissed.

“Come on, it wasn’t that bad.” Sirius said, doing the same with his own leaf.

James nodded. It really hadn’t been that hard at all. After the first three days he barely even knew it was there.

“Ok, remember, a SINGLE teaspoon of dew. Any more and you will seriously fuck things up.” That had been one of the things highlighted in Regulus’s book. The dew needed to be precise.

James went first, carefully measuring a small droplet and adding it with the utmost precision to his phial along with one dark strand of his hair. Then he handed the teaspoon and dew to Sirius.

Remus watched from atop his bed, half paying attention and half reading, a skill that only Remus had.

Sirius pulled his own drop of dew and flicked it into his vial before passing the tools along to Peter. James watched carefully as Peter did the same. Then, they all bottled up their phials and stuffed them to the bottom of their trunks. They had to leave them alone for precisely seven days before adding the death's-head hawk moth.

Now, James just needed to find an excuse to bring the teaspoon to Regulus.

Thankfully, Sirius made it much easier.. “Well, Remus, care for a smoke?”

The other boy nodded, closing his book and following Sirius down to the common room.

“I’m gonna go nick a hot chocolate from the kitchens, back in a few, Pete!” James said, hurriedly grabbing his cloak and the map before pocketing the teaspoon and rushing down the stairs.

Peter just nodded, already absorbed in the pile of homework he had been putting off.

James threw the cloak on before he left, not wanting Sirius or Remus to ask any questions. Luckily, they were facing the other way and didn’t see the portrait door swing open for invisible James Potter.

It was much later than they usually met up. James was sure Regulus was going to kill him for being so late. One quick look at the map confirmed his suspicions. Regulus’s name was pacing the circular tower.

When James finally pushed up into the Astronomy tower, Regulus looked ready to kill.

“Bloody hell, what took so long?” He hissed, collapsing onto the floor and pulling his crystal phial out.

“Sorry, they were being slow.” James replied, sinking down next to Regulus and handing over the silver spoon.

“Well hurry up next time. I don’t have hours to waste waiting for you.” Regulus snapped, popping the mandrake leaf out of his mouth and quickly shoving it into the phial. He was just about to reach up and grab a hair for the last step when James leaned over and plucked one for him, holding it up with a smirk.

“I hate you.” Regulus informed him, though he snatched it from James' hand and added it in along with the droplet of dew.

When it was sealed up, Regulus rose and walked over to the wall of the tower. A quick swish of his wand and a part of the wall came away, revealing a little cubby hole. He stashed his potion in there and sealed it back up with another wave.

“Seriously, you’re keeping it here?” James asked, incredulous.

“I have Barty and Evan as roommates. Nothing is safe in my dorm.” Regulus replied.

“Fair enough.” James laughed, “So, you ready for Gryffindors big win on Friday?” He asked, full of confidence.

“You’re not going to win.” Regulus responded, unphased.

“We'll see.” James winked before grabbing his cloak and ducking back into the trapdoor. “Gotta go, see you at the match.”

————

Kreacher came faster this time when he was called. It was a simple exchange and the elf looked much less beaten than before, thankfully.

Regulus handed the spoon over with an apology and Kreacher bowed before apparating away. He stayed in the tower for a little longer after that, something he had been doing since James had asked where Regulus’s star was. He would stay here after the other boy left and look into the sky, wondering what James saw.

He simply didn’t get it. There was no way someone could compare the two stars and ever think that the small, dim pinprick could even come close. Sirius had always been a supernova. Regulus was just a star.

————

Friday, October 10

“Psst. Oi, Reggie, give me the answer.” Barty’s hushed whisper came from the side, along with an elbow shoved into his ribs.

“No. Piss off.” He replied.

They were doing a test in History of Magic and Regulus was struggling enough as it was. His attention span was shot with the match so soon. It was the last class of the day on a Friday and he couldn’t wait to be done.

“Pleaseee” Came another whisper.

“Ask Evan.” Regulus replied, not looking up from his parchment.

“He doesn’t know.”

“Figure it out then.”

Some shuffling, then frantic scribbling.

“Did you just steal my answer?” Regulus whispered incredulously.

“No.”

“Bullshit.”

“Quills down.” Came the droning voice of Professor Binns. “Sign your names and you may go…. Leave the parchment on your desks.”

Regulus printed his name neatly in the corner and collected his bag before turning to leave. Barty and Evan followed suit.

“You don’t have to be such a prick.” Barty complained as they filed out into the hall.

“I’m a prick?” Regulus snorted, “You’re stealing my answers!”

“No one would know.” Came the reply.

“Barty, maybe if you studied a bit, you wouldn’t have to copy off me and Reg.” Evan said.

“Regulus.” He corrected to deaf ears.

They wandered down to the dining hall, needing to eat fast and meet on the pitch before the match.

The Slytherin and Gryffindor tables were especially rowdy tonight. Regulus caught sight of James and Sirius standing up on their table, arm in arm and promising to ‘do Gryffindor proud.”

Both Barty and Evan collapsed into giggles at the sight of it.

“God, they’re really thick aren’t they?” Evan muttered.

Regulus nodded, thumping his bag down on the bench beside him.

He kept quiet as they ate, the pit in his stomach widening with each passing moment. Usually he wasn’t too worried about quidditch, but today he wanted to beat James. He felt the need to prove their team was better, and it was all riding on him as the seeker.

“Regulus, come away from the table.” Pandora had appeared behind him silently, her ethereal voice floating through the hall.

He knew better than to question these things by now and wordlessly packed up his things in the nick of time. He had just stepped back when a torrential downpour of rain flowed from the ceiling, soaking the entire Slytherin table. Everyone jumped up and backed away, using their bags to block the water.

The Gryffindor table was in an absolute uproar with James and Sirius at the centre of it. Regulus turned to glare at them and he caught James' eye. James shrugged slightly and looked away, continuing his laughter.

“Let’s go.” Regulus told Pandora, leading the way out of the hall, pushing past several soaked Slytherins on their run to dry land.

Regulus decided to just head down to the common room and change into his quidditch robes early. There was no way he was going back into the great hall. He said goodbye to Pandora and thanked her once again before heading inside.

It was quiet for once, with everyone at dinner. It seemed the soaked students hadn’t made their way down to change yet so Regulus had a few minutes of peace before the storm. He settled into a windowed cubby and looked out into the dark late waters. There were a few fish swimming lazily across. Regulus envied them, they had no responsibilities. Not a care in the world.

Eventually, the common room filled up with students chattering excitedly about the match so Regulus retreated to his dorm. He threw on the flying robes and ran his fingers through his hair a few times before striding out and making his way down to the pitch.

—-----

James didn’t see Regulus again before the match. He was having way too much fun at the Gryffindor table, the prank had gone over wonderfully and soaked the entirety of Slytherin house before Dumbledore had fixed the charm . Sirius had even pointed out that Snape had tripped getting up and it was honestly the highlight of James day, seeing Snape bustle out of the great hall, dripping and scowling.

“You’re welcome, Snivellus!” Sirius had called after him.

They had laughed at that for a good long while. But soon enough, it was time to get down to the pitch. James had worn his flying robes down to the feast so he was able to walk down to the pitch straight away.

It was just the four of them, as usual, though Mary Macdonald and Marlene Mckinnon had stopped by to wish them luck. James thought that Mary lingered for a couple seconds too long when she hugged Sirius, but he brushed it off. There were more important things to worry about.

Frank Longbottom was the captain and the keeper of the Gryffindor team, so when he waved at James, he knew it was time to part ways with Peter and Sirius.

“Will you really watch this time, Remus?” Sirius begged. He was always trying. It never worked.

“Sure, Sirius. I’ll totally watch.” Remus put extra emphasis into the ‘totally’ and flashed James a peek of the book he had tucked into his robes.

James let out a hearty laugh and dragged Sirius towards Frank, ignoring his pleas to go and smack Remus.

Chapter Text

Friday, October 10

The first match of the year was always a blow-out. Especially when it was Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Regulus could hardly hear himself think, even way below the stands. It was so deafeningly loud.

Barty, however, was having the time of his life. While most of the team was sitting nervously or talking quietly amongst themselves, Barty was like a dog with a tennis ball; he simply couldn't wait to get onto the pitch.

If Regulus was being honest, he was a bit worried for the Gryffindor team. Barty was ruthless, and paired with Avoy Slint, they were a ferocious duo.

Barty was the type that liked to draw blood. He was constantly getting penalized for playing dirty, but nothing could stop him. He had a knack for it too, knew just when to hit the bludger to maximize damage. Regulus was glad they were on the same team.

“Alright, Reggie?” he asked, a massive grin plastered to his face.

“Yeah,” Regulus replied.

Very soon, it was time to walk out. They had to greet the other team, shake hands, then kick off. This was his favourite part. Every eye in the school on him? He loved it. He hated having to be around people, to be forced into socializing, but being above everyone else, having everyone looking up at you like you’re some idol, unable to be touched? That was fucking perfect. It was the reason he loved being a Black. Regulus stood up, grabbed his broom, and took his place at the end of the line. Seekers always came out last. Regulus loved that too; it added to the dramatic effect.

So shoulders high, head up, he stalked onto the pitch, avoiding even looking at the crowd, like it was beneath him.

They filed out at the same time as the Gryffindor team and ended up in a line, the opposing team member for their respective positions directly across from them. Facing Regulus was the Gryffindor seeker, Rose Abbot. She was a small, slight girl, tiny and extremely fast, able to execute turns on a dime. However, Regulus wasn’t worried. He was faster.

He extended a hand out to her and she grasped it, shaking quickly before dropping it back down. She wouldn’t look him in the eye. Whatever.

As Madam Hooch blew the first whistle, calling for them to mount their brooms, Regulus chanced a look down the row. He could see Sirius standing beside James, a permanent smirk fixed on his face. James had a similar grin. Regulus couldn’t wait to wipe them off.

The second whistle sounded and they were off. Instantly, a rush of wind hit Regulus’s face. It was invigorating. He sailed to the very top of the pitch and began making lazy circles. That was the one thing about being a seeker; there wasn’t much action until there was.

Rose kept right on his tail, a smart move on her part, but it was irritating Regulus to no end. He half wished Barty would send a bludger at her.

From this high up, he could see the whole game playing out below them, as well as hear the faint commentary.

“AND 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR! OFF TO A GREAT START!” the commentator shrieked into her wand.

Regulus continued circling, keeping one eye out for the snitch and watching the game with the other. It was a good one so far. He could spot James, zipping across the pitch, almost as if he was in two places at once. Regulus had to hand it to him, he was an extremely talented chaser.

It didn’t take much effort to locate Sirius either. His brother was constantly the centre of attention and today was no different. Sirius was a beater on the Gryffindor team; he was going up against Barty and Avoy, but so far he was holding his own. He whacked every bludger back at them, even the ones that Regulus would have thought impossible to block. To be honest, Regulus was impressed. Sirius’s teammate didn’t seem to be contributing much, but Sirius didn’t even need them. He was a one-man show, and he was VERY good at it.

Regulus shifted his gaze back to James; he had the quaffle and he was racing across the pitch at top speeds, dodging and weaving, a red blur against the field of green.

“ANOTHER TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!” The crowd went wild.

Fuck. 20-0. He picked up the pace, zooming around the towers with a mild hint of irritation. Rose was still on his tail, mirroring his every move.

It was just below her foot that he saw it. The familiar flash of gold. Without thinking for a second, he shot forward, straightening out to a near 90-degree dive at the ground.

“LOOKS LIKE THE SLYTHERIN SEEKER HAS SOMETHING!’ The commentator screamed in the background. Regulus was far too focused to even register her words.

He was so close. The snitch took an impossible left turn and Regulus snapped up, still following. He had lost a little ground with that turn, but not enough to lose it completely. He just needed to get a little closer.

WHAM. Something slammed into him from the side. Regulus barely had time to throw a hand out and grab onto his broom. Glaring to the side as he pulled himself back up, he found it was Rose Abbot that had slammed into him. Bloody hell. For such a small girl, she hit damn hard. He scowled, rubbing his arms where she had collided into him

“OHHHH, BAD LUCK. SEEMS LITTLE ROSE ABBOT MADE A WRONG TURN!”

Bullshit. Wrong turn. That had been intentional. She looked so fucking proud too, it pissed Regulus off. And how the hell was that not a foul? She had straight-up body-slammed him! He heard a few Slytherins calling for a foul, but most were screaming for revenge, almost as pissed as Regulus was. That had almost been an easy win.

Cursing under his breath, he shot back up to his position above the game. The snitch was lost again. Rose followed, of course, her face filled with a mixture of pride and excitement.

Regulus continued watching the game. Gryffindor scored another three goals; two from James, and Slytherin managed to get one through the hoop, just barely grazing past Frank's fingers.

After a few more minutes and four more Gryffindor goals, Regulus managed to catch Barty’s eye in between attacks. He titled his head at Rose and Barty grinned, receiving the message perfectly. Barty tossed his bat from hand to hand before shooting off to get a bludger.

Now all Regulus had to do was bring her closer to the pitch. It wasn’t hard, he just had to fake another snitch sighting. He was just about to dive down when the actual snitch made an appearance, hovering tauntingly by his head.

Ok. Change of plans. Barty can bring the bludger to Rose. He shot off again, Rose right on his tail.

Everything was coming together perfectly. He could see Barty in his peripheral, lining up a shot to take Rose out of the game. The snitch was mere inches from his hand and Rose was too far back to even have a chance.

CRACK! Regulus heard Barty’s bat hit the Bludger and he took his eye off the snitch for a split second to see the ball collide with James face.

He watched as James fell off his broom and began a sickening plummet.

His immediate thought was to stop, to turn around and make sure James wasn’t hurt. And he almost did. Until the glimmer of gold flashed back into view and he quickly made his choice. It really wasn’t even a difficult choice to make. James, the Gryffindor chaser, or the snitch. Winning the match for Slytherin or Sirius’s friend. James meant almost nothing to him, certainly not more than winning.

Did it even really matter what choice he made anyway? It was always going to go this way. Sooner or later, he was always going to face a decision like this, where the universe put James Potter on the line and forced Regulus to make a choice. Too bad he always chose wrong. Regulus would never give up his chance to win; that would always come before Sirius’s friend. “He’s your friend too,” whispered a little nagging voice in the back of his head. Regulus pushed it away. He knew what was important. And at this moment, it wasn’t James Potter. He knew where his priorities lay, and in this crucial moment they were not with James Potter.

His hand closed over the warm golden ball and without taking another second, he shot back down to where James had fallen.

————

The last thing James remembers is locking eyes with Regulus. Then the floor gave way beneath him, he was falling, falling, falling, and Regulus had turned away.

James woke in the hospital wing, a blurry mop of black hair and dark eyes inches from his face. He thought it might have been Regulus until he spoke.

“Oi, Remus, he’s awake.” James shouldn’t have been so disappointed that it was Sirius.

His head felt like it had been beaten in by an angry troll. With fumbling hands, he reached to the side, trying to locate his glasses.

“Here.” Peter held them out for him, and he slipped them on, thankful that someone had mended them for him.

“Thanks,” James croaked. “Who won?”

“Of course that would be the first thing you say.” Sirius laughed. “Slytherin. My foul git of a brother let you fall so he could catch the snitch.” His voice turned bitter.

Oh.So that hadn’t been a dream.

“It’s not his fault, I was hit by a bludger.” James tried to defend him.

“Yeah, that Reggie set up for Rose. And then he just let you get hit and turned away. Guess there’s a reason he’s in Slytherin.” Sirius sounded pissed.

With his glasses on, James could see his three friends crowded around his bedside. Remus looked the most upset.

“Odd time for some role reversal, hey?” James joked, trying to lighten the mood. It was usually Remus in this bed.

Remus frowned. “I wasn’t even watching,” he said. “I didn’t even know you were hurt until Mary pulled me up.”

“Mate, that's not your fault. You never watch the games.” James replied, trying to comfort him.

“That's what I said,” Sirius muttered.

“Yeah, but you could have been seriously hurt. And I wouldn’t have even known.”

“Well I'm fine,” James offered, lifting his arms as if to demonstrate how fine he was.

“I’m going to watch from now on,” Remus vowed. “I’m going to watch every game.”

“Please don’t.” James laughed. “I like you as is, and it would be extremely creepy to have you in the stands actually paying attention. Too much pressure to perform.”

Remus cracked a smile at this and James returned it before leaning his head back on his pillow.

“Where’s Regulus?” James cocked his head to the side, his head injury making him a little hazy.

Sirius looked at him as though he had grown an extra set of eyes. “What?”

Shit.“Uh I just meant like did he stop by?”James frantically attempted to backtrack.

“No. He landed and was swarmed by the Slytherin team. They’re probably off partying and celebrating your injuries right now.” Sirius scowled.

“Oh.” James would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little disappointed by that. “Speaking of, what are my injuries?”

Upon hearing this, Madam Pomfrey came bustling over, clearly she had been hovering nearby, waiting to pounce on an opportunity to banish the visitors from the infirmary.

“You have a rather nasty concussion, dear, plus a broken ankle, but I already took care of that for you.” She smiled down at him, reminding James of his own mother for a second. Oh shit. Mum. She was going to lose her mind when she heard of this.

“Ok, out you get now. James needs rest and a quiet environment. James needs a quiet and peaceful environment to rest.” Madam Pomfrey told the three boys. She began shooing the boys none to gently towards the doors.

After managing to wrestle another five minutes from her, they were all kicked out, and Madam Pomfrey provided him a small tray of food before turning the lights out.

It didn’t take long for James to drift off to sleep.

————

Regulus was properly drunk.

He didn’t even remember how he got here. It’s all pretty much a blur after James fell from the sky.

He remembers landing with the snitch in hand and trying to find James, but there were so many people on the pitch. He had tried struggling against the current to get to him but Barty had found him first, along with the rest of the Slytherin team.

He can recall Barty’s ginormous grin and the rest of the team swarming him, but the trek back up to the castle was all hazy. Someone had pressed a bottle of something warm and fuzzy into Regulus’s hands and he had drunk it without hesitation, still riding the adrenaline rush of winning.

Somehow they had ended up back down in the Slytherin common room, where someone was blasting music into the overly crowded space and there were people absolutely everywhere. Cups were littering the tables and the music maintained at an ear-splitting volume.

He was sitting next to Barty and Evan on a faded green couch listening to his friends chatter animatedly about the match. There was another cup of the amber liquid in his hands, and he was taking slow sips, enjoying the warmth as it traveled down his throat. It was damn good.

“I was quite sad that James got in the way,” Barty was saying, slurring his words slightly, his cup sloshing liquid onto the green velvet cushions as he gestured.

“Bullshit,” Evan called, taking a swig out of his own cup. “You just wanted to nail Rose in the face with that bludger.”

“Yeah, and I would have if James didn’t knock in and take it for her.” Barty laughed before slapping a hand on Regulus’s knee and getting up. “Refill anyone?”

Regulus looked up at him and wordlessly handed him his cup.

“You alright, Reggie?” Evan asked, shuffling closer on the couch and looking at Regulus with a suspicious grin.

He didn’t bother correcting his name this time. “Yeah. I’ve never been drunk before…. I like it.” He responded, feeling a stupid smile creep onto his face. Somehow, it didn’t bother him. Quite the opposite actually, he was enjoying the lack of control.

“Really?” Evan asked, sounding surprised. “You’ve never even gotten pissed at a family gathering?”

“Nope.” He responded slowly, thinking about how odd the words actually sounded. Especially the letter P. “Nopppppe.” He said again, putting extra emphasis on the P and giggling at the way it came out.

“Oh fuck, you’re properly tossed.” Evan chuckled.

“Am I?” Regulus raised his hands, looking down at them. “I don’t feel much different. Just….lighter?”

“Stand up, then.” Evan told him, rising to his feet and pulling Regulus up with him.

The floor swayed dangerously as he took Evan's hand. “Ohhhhhhhh.” He could feel it now. Almost a disconnect between his body and his mind; it was intoxicating.

Evan laughed at him before falling back onto the couch. Regulus stayed standing, swaying from side to side with the music. It was a good song, one he hadn’t heard before.

Barty appeared suddenly behind Regulus, thrusting a full cup into his hands and settling down beside Evan.

“Oh, he’s drunk,” he heard Barty say, a laugh punctuating his words.

Regulus stuck his tongue out in reply before taking a large sip from the cup in his hands.

“What is this stuff?” he asked. “I like it.”

“Bet you do,” Evan muttered before raising his voice. “It’s Fire whiskey.”

“Hmmm. It is very…. Fiery.” Regulus took another sip before pausing to look around. The room was still packed with students drinking and being loud. It all became very overwhelming very suddenly. He sat down quickly, wedged in between Barty and Evan.

“Oh, fuck, you’re not going to puke are you? Don’t puke on me!” Barty shrieked, scrambling hastily over the couch to get away.

Regulus frowned at him.

“He’s not going to puke,” Evan assured, rising to his defence. Regulus nodded in appreciation, beaming at him. Evan was really such a great friend. He should tell him that more often.

“You’re such a good friend, Evan,” Regulus said dreamily.

Both Barty and Evan erupted into laughter at that.

“Yeah, mate, you’re a good friend too,” Evan replied, sounding sincere.

Regulus smiled at that and leaned back into the couch. It was so soft. How had he never noticed that before? He ran his fingers up and down the velvet, in awe at how smooth and strange it felt under his skin. Someone had turned the music down a tad and he was thankful it wasn’t so deafening anymore.

He wondered if the Gryffindors were celebrating too. Probably not. They had been beaten. He smiled at that, relishing the win. It was all his doing. Only his.

Oh. He straightened, remembering why exactly he had won. Wait, he needed to apologize. He needed to tell James that he was sorry. It wasn’t like he regretted his choice, he would make it again in a heartbeat, but he still felt a little bad that James was in the hospital because of it.

He was in the hospital wing, right? Probably. James had fallen a good 200 feet.

Regulus shot up, putting his cup down and turning to Evan, who was now engaged in conversation with a very pretty blonde.

“I have to go,” He interjected, cutting the girl off in the middle of her sentence.

“Oh, fuck, hold on a sec,” Evan told her, he turned back to Regulus as he attempted to make his escape. “No. Where are you going?” He started smacking Barty in the arm to get his attention.

“Hmm?” Barty lifted his head from the cushion and looked at Regulus, trying to understand what was going on.

“I have to go and see James,” Regulus said, his face serious.

“Oh, good one, mate.” Barty laughed before putting his head back down.

“I’m going,” he said, rising from the couch again.

“No, Reggie, that's a horrible idea. Stay here. It’s fucking James Potter, who cares?” Evan told him, reaching out to drag him back down.

“No.” Even drunk, no one could change his mind once it was made up. Regulus put on his best impression of being sober and continued, “Just five minutes for an apology. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re an idiot, who cares about apologizing? We won! I’m not bailing you out if you get caught.” Evan told him, releasing his arm.

“Fine.”

Regulus stalked away to the best of his current ability, pushing through the mass of bodies to find the door. It took him a good few minutes, as he kept finding himself turned around or stopped to be congratulated. He just waved them off before continuing the search. At one point, someone pressed a small glass of green liquor into his hand. He smiled and downed it before moving on, picking up a random cup on the way to the exit. Probably a horrible idea, but hey, today was not a day for great decision-making.

At long last, he found the exit. The switch from the party to a silent corridor was a jarring one and it made Regulus smile. Was this what it was like to be drunk? He really, really liked it.

The halls were empty and a thin breeze flowed through them, the empty halls were cool and drafty, making Regulus pull his robes closer. He hadn’t even changed out of his flying robes, and they were creased with dirt. Walburga would have a fit if she saw him right now. Drunk, dirty, and sneaking out to go see a boy. The thought provoked a laugh and he clamped his hand over his mouth instantly. It was so loud, echoing far into the dark corridor.

It was a miracle that he managed to make it to the hospital wing without being caught. Regulus paused at the door, wondering if this was really such a good idea. Maybe it was the level of alcohol running through his blood, liquid courage. Oh, well, too late to turn around now. He quickly brushed his hands through his hair before he pushed the door open and crept through the infirmary dark room.

It wasn’t hard to find James; he was the only one there. His bed was in the back corner and Regulus took a seat in the chair next to him, placing his full cup beside James’ glasses on the side table.

It was strange seeing James without his glasses. His face was slack but peaceful, eyes closed and hair all mussed up. Regulus just sat there, watching him for a few moments. His breathing was even and quiet, so quiet that Regulus questioned if he was even alive.

Eventually, he prodded the boy to wake him up, stifling a laugh at James' horrified face.

————

James awoke in the middle of night and swiftly realized he was not alone.

“Bloody hell!” He jumped, reaching for his glasses. “Regulus?” he asked, incredulous.

Regulus was perched lightly on a chair right beside him. His face was catching the moonlight from the open window, dark eyes reflecting the light. His hair was all messed up too, not the usual uniform curls. They were more unruly now, like Sirius’s.

“Hiii” Regulus dragged out the single syllable, smiling.

Something was off. Regulus didn’t smile. James sat up in bed and took a better look.

“Are you… drunk?”

“No.” An obvious lie, seeing as he couldn’t even hide his giggle at that.

James turned away, bringing his hand up to hide his own smile. Regulus bloody Black, showing up in the hospital ward drunk, had NOT been something James would have expected in a hundred years.

“You ARE drunk. Wow.” James laughed.

“I’m not drunk,” Regulus insisted, adamant in a way that only a drunk person could be.

“Sure,” James retorted. “Big party down in Slytherin tonight I bet.” He met Regulus' eyes and was astonished at how bright they were.

“Maybe,” Regulus replied, elusively, the same drunken grin permanently fixed on his face.

It looked good on him, James thought. He should smile more. Not that he would ever tell Regulus that.

“Good. You deserve it.” James told him, truthfully. “You’re a brilliant seeker.”

Regulus’s smile dropped. He looked uncomfortable now. It made James a bit sad, seeing Regulus unable to even take a simple compliment.

“I let you fall,” he said, frowning as if it was the first time he had even thought of it.

“I don’t care,” James replied instantly. He already knew that and he didn’t blame Regulus at all. Sure, maybe other people would have let the snitch get away, wouldn’t have even given it a second thought, but that wasn’t Regulus.

“Why not?” Regulus whispered, fiddling with the hem of his robes.

James was thoroughly confused. This wasn’t the Regulus he knew, guarded and emotionless. The boy sitting in front of him was vulnerable and James didn’t quite know what to do with that.

“It's refreshing,” James replied honestly, dropping his gaze. “I’m surrounded by people who wouldn’t think twice about sacrificing themselves for me. It’s nice to have one friend that actually puts themself first.” He lifted his hands up to gesture around. He meant every word of it.

James would do the same for any of his friends, even Regulus. He would jump in harm's way for him in a heartbeat. And it was relieving that at least one of his friends wouldn’t do the same.

They were friends, right? No better time like the present to get an answer to that; Regulus might even give him an honest reply.

“We are friends, right Regulus?” James asked.

“Are we?” came the immediate response, followed by a stifled giggle. “I thought we were just doing illegal magic together.”

“Nope, I've decided that from this day forward, we’re friends” James proclaimed.

“Ok.” Regulus was smiling again, his features more relaxed than James had ever seen.

Regulus just couldn’t sit still, James noticed. He was reaching towards the side table now, pulling a red plastic cup off and taking a large sip.

“Should you really be drinking that?” James couldn’t help but ask; the motherly instincts were instilled deep within him.

“Shhhhhhhhh…” Regulus leaned over and placed one finger against James' lips. “You can have some.”

“Excellent idea, give the person with a head injury alcohol.” James struggled behind Regulus’s hand. “Well, hand it over, then.”

And Regulus did, to his credit. He wasn’t the type to be responsible, like Sirius or Remus would be. He was going to let James make his own decisions, even if they were horrible ones. James loved that. Regulus retracted his hand from James face and passed the cup over to James without a word. Whatever liquid was inside was foul, it burned and tasted of rubber but, fuck, was it ever strong.

“I’m keeping the rest of this.” James choked out, struggling against his gag reflex. “You’re gonna be joining me here if you finish this.”

“I can hold my liquor!” Regulus replied, leaning over to take it back and almost falling out of his chair in the process. James darted one arm out to steady him and placed the cup on the farther table, away from Regulus.

“I think you’ve had enough.” James laughed, giving Regulus a little push to settle him back in his chair.

The moonlight was making James tired, or maybe it was the alcohol. He had only had a few sips, but already he could feel the liquor working into his bloodstream, dulling his senses.

Regulus didn’t respond, instead leaning his head into the side of the chair and almost curling in upon himself like a cat. He was looking out the window with a dreamy expression and tapping his fingers on the side of the bed.

“I wouldn’t change anything,” he blurted suddenly, flicking back to James and staring into him with a level of intensity unheard of for a drunk person.

James figured he was talking about the Quidditch match again. “I know.”

“Ok.” They locked eyes for a few moments, and James wondered how it was possible for someone to be so beautiful. Regulus looked like an angel of death in the moonlight.

Oh, god. He was really losing it. The combination of head injury and alcohol was not a good one. James pulled his eyes away and handed the cup back. “You should go to bed.”

“Fine.” Regulus smirked, rising from his folded position on the chair and stretching. “Goodnight, James.”

James watched him go, suppressing a laugh when Regulus stumbled over his feet two steps from the entrance. Regulus was always the epitome of grace, cautious in the way he carried himself. Watching him drunk was extremely amusing.

It took longer for James to drift off to sleep the second time. He kept looking out at the stars. One star in particular.

Chapter Text

Saturday, October 11

Regulus was never drinking again.

Everything was a blur after he returned to the common room. Despite James' advice, he had downed the rest of the cup on the way there, an action that resulted in Regulus spending a good three hours puking in the bathroom at four am. It seemed, he could not, in fact, hold his liquor.

He had rolled into bed after that and let the ceiling spin for a while before dozing off into the worst sleep of his life.

The next morning, Evan and Barty were sleeping in, of course. It was a Saturday and Regulus had half a mind to join them, but his head was pounding too hard to do anything more than stare at the walls and wish to be put out of his misery. He couldn’t even fall back asleep.

After an hour of that though, he finally did get out of bed. He trudged into the bathroom and found that he was still wearing his dirty flying robes. So, a shower first, he conceded.

He felt much better after that. He brushed his teeth to get rid of the sticky taste of puke and dressed in clean robes. His headache was still present, but it had been reduced to a dull, constant ache, rather than the pounding bursts of pain from before.

A quick look at the clock told him it was about noon. Perfect. Maybe he would see if Pandora wanted to spend some time in the greenhouse today? He could find her at lunch.

So, running one hand through his still-damp hair, he grabbed his book bag and left the dorm, ignoring the angry yell coming from Barty’s bunk when he opened the door and let in a crack of light.

Another unfortunate side effect of a hangover; everything was so bloody bright. It was like someone had turned the contrast up to 100. Regulus’s eyes hurt just looking outside, and the sun wasn’t even fully out.

He wandered up to the great hall, wincing as the noise level grew the closer he got. He saw James there, at his usual spot, surrounded by Remus, Peter, and Sirius. Oddly enough, it was Remus that caught his eye, lifting up one eyebrow subtly before turning away.

Regulus didn’t know what to make of that, so he just didn’t do anything. He made no sign of recognition and just continued to the Slytherin table. It was odd without Barty and Evan there, just two empty seats that glared back at him.

He was halfway through a piece of toast when Pandora slid in beside him. She smelled like lilac perfume and her coloured crystal earrings swayed when she moved her head.

“Tough night?” She asked sympathetically, reaching past him to grab a pitcher of orange juice.

“Mmmm.” Regulus replied, wanting nothing more than to lay his head on the table and sink into oblivion.

“Want to go to the greenhouse? Professor Sprout said that the Fanged Geraniums need to be defanged.” Pandora suggested, her voice quieter than usual.

“Yeah.” Regulus dropped the piece of toast and stood up. He hadn’t been that hungry anyways. It was hard to eat when you feel like your insides are trying to claw their way out of you.

Pandora smiled, still holding onto the pitcher as they walked out of the hall.

“Why?” Regulus gestured to her thievery as they turned down a corridor.

“Oranges are good for hangovers,” she responded sweetly, pushing the pitcher into his hands.

Regulus managed a weak smile. Thankfully, she didn’t push him to drink it and didn’t say anything else the whole walk.

“Excellent. I have the utmost faith in both of you,” Professor Sprout exclaimed cheerily when they entered the greenhouses. “You both know what you’re doing; get to it!” She bustled away quickly after that, shutting the door behind her with a clank.

Defanging the Fanged Geraniums wasn’t hard work, just tedious. It was exactly what Regulus needed. He was actively avoiding the memories of his visit to the hospital wing last night. It was far too embarrassing to relive. Just another reason to never get drunk again. As if the brutal hangover wasn’t enough. There had to be some potion for this, he thought, picking up a pair of shears and heading over to where Pandora was petting a brightly flowered plant.

“Why isn’t there a potion for hangovers?” he complained, snatching a tendril and shearing the spiked teeth while Pandora cooed at the plant.

“There is,” she replied, using one finger to lazily play with a tendril. “Just not at Hogwarts because we’re all underage.”

“Of course,” Regulus muttered.

“The orange juice really does help,” Pandora said.

Regulus didn’t say anything to that and she didn’t press, just offered up the next vine.

He did end up drinking some of it later in the afternoon, and as much as he hated to admit it, she was right. It helped immensely. Regulus just wasn’t used to not being the smartest one in the room.

————

Remus came to collect James, early in the morning. Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let him walk back to Gryffindor tower without an escort, which James thought was overkill, but whatever.

Remus spent a few minutes chatting with her, as they spent a lot of time together near the full moons. Madam Pomfrey was the one who walked Remus to and from the shrieking shack, and she was the one who healed his injuries when he inevitably turned his claws against himself in wolf form.

“So, how was your night?” Remus asked as they started down the corridor. He had this spark in his eyes, a flicker that James couldn’t place.

“Fine,” James replied, “Boring.”

“Oh really,” Remus raised his eyebrows, a smirk playing on his face. “No special visitors?”

Fuck. The map. James groaned and smacked his palm against his forehead.

“Why were you even checking the map at that time?” he complained.

“Sirius had gone for a walk. He was super pissed at Regulus for letting you fall and was tearing up the dorm. I checked to see if he hadn’t been caught, then I checked on you. Imagine my surprise when I saw you weren’t alone.” Remus stopped. “But seriously, what was Regulus Black doing in the hospital wing last night?”

James scrambled for a lie for just a moment before sighing and coming clean. “He’s been helping me with the Animagus process since the start of this year. I guess we’re friends, and he wanted to make sure I was ok.” He intentionally left out the part where Regulus was extremely drunk.

Remus exhaled, trying to piece the information together in his mind. “Ok, so he’s helping you, and in turn…. what? What’s in it for him?”

James was actually a bit hurt by the insinuation that Regulus was only helping to get something out of it. Even though that was exactly what was going on. “He’s doing it too, becoming an Animagus.”

Remus let out a sharp laugh. “Oh, fuck. Of course he is…. And you’re… friends? Does Sirius know that?”

“No,” James admitted. “And you can’t tell him about any of Regulus’s involvement. He made me promise Sirius wouldn’t know.” Technically a lie; Regulus had never made him promise, he had just threatened some very painful consequences if Sirius found out.

“I won’t,” Remus promised. “You might want to consider telling him, though, if you and Regulus are ‘friends’ now.”

“Hey, what was that?” James questioned, smiling. “Why are you making a face at me being friends with him?”

“I just…..” He trailed off, rubbing the bridge of his nose, “James, you care too much. And Regulus…. It’s a train wreck waiting to happen. You’re going to end up caring about him and he’s going to let you down. He’s a Slytherin, and a Black. Plus I don’t see him actively standing up against the blood purity ideals. Quite the opposite, actually. I just don’t think…. it’s not a good idea. I’m not going to stop you, you can be friends with who-ever you want, just …..people don’t change.”

James dropped his smile. “He’s not evil, like you all seem to think.”

“Yeah, but he’s not innocent either.” Remus pointed out.

“Whatever.” James snapped, pushing ahead. Who the hell was Remus to tell him that Regulus was a bad person?

It was still early, and Sirius was still sleeping when they got back to the dorm, so they stayed downstairs in the common room with Peter until breakfast.

James didn’t see Regulus at breakfast either, and he chuckled a little to himself as he piled pancakes onto his plate and poured syrup over them. Regulus must be so hungover.

All three of them walked back up to Gryffindor tower after breakfast, though Remus split off, citing he needed to head to the library. That was fine; James wasn’t all that pleased with him currently. Peter stayed in the common room, writing up an essay for Charms. James retired up to their dorm, wanting to take a nap, as he hadn’t gotten as much sleep as he would have liked last night.

It was almost noon when Sirius finally rolled out of bed, waking James up from his nap at the same time.

They collected Peter from his studies and walked down to the great hall together for lunch. Remus was already waiting, saving three seats for his friends as he wolfed down an insane amount of food. James seriously didn’t know where he put it all, he was like a human black hole.

James wasn’t hungry; he had eaten breakfast before sleeping, so he just nibbled on the corner of a cracker and listened to his friends talk.

“Potter.” Came a distinctly female voice from beside him. He turned to see Lily Evans taking a seat next to him.

“Evans,” He returned her polite tone. “Taking a day off from Snivellus, I see.”

“And there you go, can’t have a simple conversation without you souring the mood,” she snapped, pulling a piece of bread from the table and smearing butter on it. “I was going to say that I’m glad you’re ok, but you know what, forget it.” She finished making her sandwich in a huff and stormed off.

“Mate, that was probably the most tactless conversation I have ever seen. Are you feeling alright?” Sirius leaned over and whispered.

James shook his head. “Yeah, just tired I think.”

What was wrong with him? He knew better than to antagonize Lily like that. She was nice, she was his friend.

Everything about today was just sucking. James sighed into the table and wished desperately for the day to be over already.

————

Regulus spent the entire afternoon in the greenhouses with Pandora. When they left for dinner, their hands were cramped, and they were covered in small nicks and cuts from the Fanged Geraniums.

He was so bloody tired, he felt like he was falling asleep on his feet, but he dragged himself to dinner and found Barty and Evan had roused from their slumber. That brought his mood up a bit.

“Heyyyyyy, there he is!” Barty shouted, rising to his feet when he caught sight of Regulus. A few other Slytherins smiled at him as well, residual happiness from their big win last night.

“Piss off,” Regulus responded, swatting his outstretched arms away as he slid into the table.

“So……” Evan leaned in, putting his fork down and staring at Regulus expectantly.

“What?” Regulus replied, pouring himself some orange juice. It really did help.

“How was your…” Evan lowered his voice, “....midnight walk?”

Oh fuck, had he really told them about that? Everything he was learning about drinking was making him want to never do it again.

“Yeah, you really owe us an explanation as to why in the hell you went off to see James Potter in the hospital wing at two in the morning,” Barty added between bites of mashed potatoes.

Regulus said nothing, occupying himself with scooping green beans onto his plate instead.

“Reggie, you’ve gotta give us something,” Evan complained.

“Regulus,” he corrected for what felt like the hundredth time. “And no, actually I don’t.”

“Uh, we covered for you, so you owe us,” Barty said, speaking around a full mouth of chicken.

“Can we talk about this later?” Regulus hissed, looking around.

“I’ll hold you to it,” Evan replied.

Evan and Barty then entered into a contest of who could fling the most peas at the Hufflepuff table before being caught. Regulus rolled his eyes and scarfed down his dinner before leaving.

He actually did have something to do this weekend: convince Slughorn to give him some death-head hawk moths. Oh, how Regulus was so looking forward to another thrilling conversation with Slughorn.

Unfortunately for him, it needed to be done. They all had to add them to the phials on Tuesday, so after dinner, Regulus reluctantly walked down to the potion master's office and knocked on the door.

“Regulus, my boy, back so soon?” Slughorn boomed as he opened the door. “Come in, come in.”

Regulus skirted into the room and glanced around. There wasn’t much to say about Slughorn’s office. It was always immaculate, everything in its rightful place. Except the drink cart, which was constantly evolving.

“I did some research into that potion you were telling me about. An interesting thing, taking about six months to brew. If I’m correct, you’re coming to me for ingredients again?”

Regulus nodded, summoning the Black family charm. He could be very charismatic when he tried. “Oh, yes, sir. A question as well. Some of the texts I’m reading just aren’t giving me the information I need, so I was wondering if I could pick your brain for a minute?”

Slughorn beamed at him and extended a hand, showing him to the worn leather seats in the middle of the room. “How old are you now, Regulus?” he asked, ambling over to the bottles of liquor. Regulus often thought that Slughorn was actually an alcoholic.

“Fifteen, sir.”

“Oh, you’re more than old enough. Care for a drink?” The sounds of glass clinking together echoed around the room.

Truthfully, Regulus would rather pull out all his fingernails than have another sip of alcohol today, but instead he smiled and nodded. This was a role for him to play, and he was going to be damn good at it.

He accepted the glass that Slughorn handed to him with another smile, trying not to gag at the smell.

“That is a muggle liquor.” Slughonr boasted proudly, settling himself across from Regulus.

Oh, joy. As if he needed another reason to be disgusted by it. Drinking muggle liquor was probably high on the list of things he would rather walk naked over hot coals than do.

He took the smallest sip and swirled it around his mouth. It was disgusting. “Mmm, it’s good!” He raised the glass to the man before setting it down. Hopefully he wouldn’t need to drink any more of it.

“So, what can I do for you this time?” Slughorn asked, swishing his glass in lazy circles.

“Well, I was looking for some ingredients that are… rather hard to come by, if you know what I mean.”

“I think I do.” The man's eyes sparkled with curiosity. “What ingredients?”

Regulus had compiled a list, most of them useless, to disguise what he was really after. Deaths-head hawk moths weren’t used in a whole lot of things, so he had to be careful, especially after getting the crystal phials off Slughorn last time.

“Fluxweed, bloodroot, death-head hawk moths, four precisely, and kneazle hair.” Regulus listed them off quickly. “I know some of them are on the more expensive side, but I would be happy to pay,” he added as an afterthought.

Slughorn waved off his offer to pay, “Oh, goodness, that’s quite a list, my dear boy. Might I ask what you plan on brewing with these ingredients?”

“Well, most of it is for experimentation,” Regulus explained. “Just some trialing I’m doing.” He tried to keep it intentionally vague.

“Ah.” Slughorn's eyes twinkled as he set aside his cup and got up from the couch. “Well, I can help you with 3 of the four. Kneazle hair, I’m afraid, is far too rare for me to just give it up to my students.”

Regulus nodded. It was no big deal. The kneazle hair was not what he wanted.

Slughorn busied himself puttering from cupboard to cupboard, pulling out small boxes and vials of various ingredients. After a few minutes, he walked back to Regulus and handed the ingredients over.

“Now, I expect a full report of your findings?” He asked, with a hearty chuckle.

“Of course, sir.” Regulus purred, returning a smile.

“And you said you had questions, anything I can help with?”

“Perhaps, I was wondering if you knew the best way to extract fire-newt venom? I can’t seem to get it right. I keep making a mess of it.”

“Oh, yes, that is a question. Took me ages to get it right to be honest. I find the trick is to slice the liver away from everything else, then try and extract your venom. Less chance of contamination that way. The rest, I’m afraid, comes with practice.”

Regulus nodded and smiled politely. “Thanks. That was all I needed. I really appreciate your help, Professor.”

“Oh, Anytime, my boy, anytime…..well, off you go then.” Slughorn waved his hands, gesturing to the door.

Regulus wasn’t about to complain with the easy dismissal. He grabbed the vials and left quickly.

Much to Regulus’s dismay, Evan and Barty were waiting for him when he returned to the dorm.

They were sprawled out on the floor, half-heartedly playing a game of chess. From his point of view, Evan was losing.

Regulus didn’t speak, just walked over to his bed and dumped the vials out. Evan and Barty stopped their game and watched him, eyes tracking his movement.

“So…..?” Barty ventured, “Explanation time?”

Ugh. Did he have to? The way they were looking at him was making him uncomfortable, they were clearly expecting some logical explanation. But none of this was logical, Regulus himself was wondering what the fuck he was doing. James had called them friends, were they friends? It had started as a business transaction but over the last four weeks, it almost felt like it had evolved into something more. But a friendship? With a Gryffindor? It was stupid, Regulus knew better. Yet, there was something about James that made Regulus want more. Maybe this was how Sirius felt. James just had that ability.

“Mate, we’re dying over here.” Evan added, sitting up.

He could trust them, right? It was Barty and Evan. They were his best friends. No matter what, they always gravitate back to each-other. Then why was it so hard to get the words out?Regulus didn’t trust people easily, it wasn’t something that came naturally. The more people you love and trust, the more power they have over you. Regulus hated that, he tried to stay as far away from that stuff as possible, preferring to keep to himself instead.

Unfortunately, in this instance, there didn’t seem to be a way around it.

Regulus sighed, and dropped to the ground opposite Evan. “Ok…… me and James are… friends.” The words felt foreign in his mouth. In fact, that might be the first time he had ever referred to someone as his friend aloud.

Barty broke into a heavy laugh and Evan just stared back at him with a hesitant look of confusion. It took another moment for them to realize he wasn’t joking.

“Wait, you’re serious?” Barty said.

“Yeah.”

“No fucking way. You’re taking the piss, aren’t you?”

“No.”

“What…. How? When? Why?” The why seemed to be the most important of the four, with Barty putting extra emphasis on it.

“Um,” Regulus swallowed, unsure of how much to reveal.

“We’re…. doing an experiment together.” A safe bet, it was an experiment of sorts.

Evan had been silent thus far, taking in what Regulus was saying and thinking.

“Ok.” He said slowly, finally looking Regulus in the eye.

“Ok?” He had been expecting more, some anger, maybe some disbelief. Not just, this acceptance. “You don’t care?”

“Fuck, mate it’s your life, if you wanna go around being friends with Gryffindors it’s not my place to say anything. I do, however, feel obligated to tell you that this may knock your reputation down a few pegs.” Evan said, rubbing his forehead.

“I have a reputation?” Regulus questioned.

“Oh yeah.” Barty chimed in with a mischievous smile. “Broody, silent, mysterious. You’re about as dark and scary as they come.”

That was news to Regulus. He liked it. “Oh.” He frowned. “I didn’t know that.”

It was Evan that replied. “‘Course not, you never talk to anyone but us. And James Potter apparently.”

“Hey, I talk to Pandora too.” He defended.

“And my sister, for some reason.” Evan waved his hand, dismissing him.

“It’s your turn.” Barty said, referencing the abandoned chess game. Conversation over, then, Regulus guessed. He was right. Thank god for Evan and Barty, they never asked stupid questions or pressed too hard. Evan turned back to the board and they resumed taking turns. Regulus got up and went to sort the potion ingredients he had dumped on the bed.

The bloodroot was added to his potion kit, along with the fluxweed. He separated one moth from the others and tucked that into a small leather pouch, then he placed all four of the moths into his bedside table. It wasn’t until Tuesday that he was going to meet James again and need them.

————

Monday, October 13

12 inches of parchment on werewolves. Thank god for Remus Lupin. James had been putting off the essay for a week now, and it was getting dangerously close to the due date.

They were in the library again, James hunched over a wrinkled piece of parchment, and Remus leaning back reading up on the history of charms.

“Some side effects leading up to the full moon? I’ve got the increased appetite, mood swings, and headaches. What am I missing?” James looked up at Remus for correction.

“Hmm, my bones pop out of place sometimes the day of. You could put that in.” Remus muttered, not looking up from his book.

“Brilliant.”

James scrawled the answer down and sat back, sighing. “Glad that’s done.”

“Mmm” Remus responded, totally not paying attention to anything James had said.

James smirked, pulling out his next assignment and grabbing a thick tome from the table to cross reference as he wrote.

Now that the pressing assignment was done, James' heart wasn’t in it anymore. He pushed the book back and sighed. What Remus had said had been really bothering him, and since he was going to meet Regulus tonight, it was on his mind even more. Remus usually had a good read on people, the fact that he didn’t seem to like Regulus was slightly disconcerting.

“Do you really think he’s a bad person?” James asked quietly.

“Who?” Remus replied, still half paying attention.

“Regulus.” James whispered back.

Remus snapped up, setting his book down and looking at James. “I never said that,” he sighed, “just told you to be careful.”

“Yeah, but you implied it.”

“It’s kinda true though, isn’t it?”

“What, just because he’s in Slytherin? That’s the same kind of superiority you were accusing him of!” James exclaimed.

Remus frowned at him, “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” He sighed, “Look why do you even care? I already said I don’t give a shit who you’re friends with, why do I need to like him?”

“Because you’re my friend. Sirius currently hates him, and I can’t ask Peter, so you’re who I’ve got.” James leaned in even more, “It matters.” He added softly.

“Ok.” Remus exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “ I don’t think he’s an inherently bad person. But, James, you have to admit he’s not great either. His main group of friends is Barty and Evan. They’re bullies, even if Regulus isn’t. Besides, you’ve heard Sirius, he subscribes to that blood purity stuff their parents preach. And even if all of that didn’t matter, he let you fall at the match. I’ve heard accounts from dozens of people, he was right beside you, and he let you jump in front of Rose, which by the way, he set up a bludger with Barty to nail a 110 pound girl in the face ....but besides the point. He turned away and caught the snitch while you fell from a height that could have easily killed you. All of those points are extremely valid reasons why I don’t like him. So yes, I believe that you being friends with him is a bad idea. You care too much and he doesn’t care at all….. That said, it’s your life.”

James hated that he had good points. He couldn’t refute any of them. “Ok.”

“Ok?” Remus prodded.

“Yeah….. fuck, I mean you’re right, I just…… I don’t know. I think he could be good, if he was surrounded by better people.”

“Maybe.” Remus didn’t sound convinced.

James left it at that, not wanting to start another argument. Soon, they packed up and headed down to dinner. James caught sight of Regulus at the Slytherin table, laughing with Barty and Evan as he sat down next to Sirius and Peter. Pandora was there too, though James didn’t really know her. He knew she was a Ravenclaw and that she was a bit weird and spacey, and that she was in one of his classes, but they had never interacted. So he didn’t know why he felt a sudden stab of anger at her when she reached over and plucked a bit of dead leaf from Regulus’s hair.

Chapter Text

Tuesday, October 14

It took a bit of convincing to get out of the dorm that night. He had told his friends that he was going to nick the death's-head hawk moths from Slughorn that night, but Sirius kept insisting on coming with. He just wouldn’t let it go.

In the end, it was Remus who finally stepped in, telling Sirius that they could brainstorm for a new prank while he was gone. Sirius didn’t look pleased, but he did let it go after that. James shot a grateful look at Remus as he grabbed his cloak and the map and rushed out the door.

The hallways were clear; Tuesday nights didn’t have a lot of activity after dinner. Even so, James kept the cloak on until he was underneath the trapdoor. Regulus was already there, sitting on a green cushion in the corner and levitating a lit candle, watching the hot wax drip silently onto the floor.

“Hey,” James called, tossing the cloak into a corner. “You get the stuff?”

“Yeah.” Came the reply. Regulus still didn’t look up, his focus still on the candle.

James took a step forward and snatched it out of the air, snuffing it out with a breath before tossing it away. The melted wax burnt his fingers, but he brushed it off.

“What was that for?” Regulus scowled.

“We have things to do,” James replied, grinning.

“Fine.” Regulus got up and walked to the alcove in the wall where he had hidden his potion. “How’s your head?”

James was taken aback; had Regulus really just asked about him? “Alright. It’s pretty hard, I can take a few good knocks.”

“Apparently.” The other boy pulled his hand back and revealed the small phial.

“So, how was the hangover?” James asked, leaning against the other wall.

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

Regulus sat down beside James, pulling a small glass vial and a little leather pouch out of his pocket. He handed the glass to James and opened the pouch, tipping a crispy dead moth into his hand before uncapping his potion and stuffing it in. It swiftly turned a glittering shade of silver.

“There’s three moths in there, one for each of you,” Regulus said, shifting to put the leather pouch back in his robes. His shoulder brushed James as he moved. “What’s next, then?”

“Don’t you know?” James replied, holding up the vial of dead moths.

“Of course I know. But after this, you’re done. We won’t need to meet anymore, so you should know what you’re doing.”

James felt an unexpected stab of sadness at his words. It was true, they were on their own after this. All that was left was waiting for a thunderstorm and repeating the words every morning and night. They really didn’t need to meet anymore.

“Amato Animo Animato Animagus, every morning and night, then wait until a thunderstorm and drink it.” He answered, pocketing the moths.

“Good,” Regulus replied. “You should hear a double heartbeat after a bit. If that doesn’t happen before the next thunderstorm, don’t drink it, just wait until the next one.”

James nodded.

“That's it then.” Regulus got up and stuffed his own phial into his pocket.

“You’re not leaving it here again?” James asked, getting up as well.

“No. Can’t risk the thunderstorm happening during class and not being able to get to it. I’m gonna hide it in the dorm. Barty and Evan won’t be able to find it where I’m planning on putting it.”

“Oh, ok.” James wiped his hands on his robes.

“Goodbye then…. it’s been a slice.” Regulus said, extending a hand.

James frowned before shaking it. Regulus’s hands were cold. “You sure we don’t need to meet anymore?”

Regulus smirked. “It’s like you want to keep seeing me or something.”

“I do,” James replied, wiping the self-assured grin from Regulus’s face.

“Why?”

“We’re friends. You did agree, that night in the hospital, and I’m holding you to it.”

Regulus dropped his hand and took a step back. “Yeah….but I was drunk. I can’t be seen with a Gryffindor. It would ruin my reputation, and I’m told I have a good one.”

James laughed. “We could meet here then. You can teach me French or something.”

“French?” Regulus looked suspicious.

“I know Sirius speaks it, so I assume you do as well. It’s a beautiful language, I would love to learn.”

“Ask Sirius, then.”

“Ahhhh, but why would I when I could learn from the infamous Professor Black?”

James caught the corner of Regulus’s mouth start to turn up before he stopped it. “Fine.” Regulus agreed.

“Next Tuesday then?”

“Can’t wait.” James smiled, striding to the corner of the room to retrieve his cloak and map. “Bye, Regulus.” He called out, dropping through the trapdoor and starting out down the dark corridor.

————

Sirius and Peter were rolling on the floor, howling with laughter, when James walked into the common room.

“What’s so funny?” He asked, a smile creeping onto his face without reason. It was contagious, their laughter.

“Remus……had an idea…..” Sirius tried to get out through gasps of air.

James turned to Remus, sitting on his bed with a rather proud smirk on his face.

“Well?” James plopped down next to Remus, avoiding the other two who were still wheezing on the floor.

“I suggested that we transfigure the professors' robes for the Halloween feast,” Remus explained, emitting another round of laughter from Sirius and Peter.

“Slughorns…..gonna be….a pumpkin,” Peter choked out.

James thought he could see where this was going. He absolutely loved it. Unfortunately, there was work to be done before they could fully flesh out this idea. But you best believe it was going to be fleshed out. “Hate to break up the hysterics, and we shall absolutely be talking about this after, but we have some pressing business to attend to.”

Both Sirius and Remus shot up at that; they looked more serious, but James could tell they were working hard to suppress the giggles.

James pulled the vial of deaths-head hawk moths out of his robes. “I got them.”

“Brilliant,” came the reply from Sirius as he rummaged through his trunk to find the buried potion.

Once they had all retrieved their potions, they huddled on the floor below Remus’s bed and added the final ingredient.

James’ potion turned a golden hue, glittery and bright, while Sirius’s became deep red, almost the shade of blood. Peter’s was the most normal, a pale shade of green. They recapped them and tucked them back deep into the trunks.

“Don’t forget to repeat the words before you go to bed tonight.” James chimed in, moving a pair of socks aside and shoving his phial to the very bottom.

“I keep screwing up the pronunciation,” Peter wailed, flopping backwards onto the shag carpet.

“Try it on me,” James urged, closing his trunk and taking a seat back by the floor of Remus’s bed.

“Anamato Animo Animato Animagus,” Peter tried, tripping over the first word.

“Amato Animo Animato Animagus,” James repeated back to him as a correction.

Peter tried once more and succeeded this time, breaking out into a toothy grin once he did.

“There you go,” James cheered.

“I have to say,” Remus chimed in, “you’ve all done better than I thought you would. I can’t believe it’s almost done.”

They all smiled at that, glad that the experience was reaching the end.

“Now,” James clapped his hands and leaned forward, “I believe we were talking about a new prank?”

————

Sunday, October 26

The next few weeks passed in a blur of monotony. Regulus went to his classes. He repeated the words every night, awaiting a thunderstorm. He spent his free time with Pandora in the greenhouses, and he continued meeting James every week, plunging headfirst into teaching James French. He had Kreacher pull some of his old French books from home, and he had been using those as a guide for their lessons.

James was actually a natural at French, as much as Regulus hated to admit it. It had taken him years to learn. He recalled Walburga getting increasingly frustrated with him as a child; he just couldn’t master the words fast enough. It was always the pronunciation that tripped him up. He had gotten it eventually, years after the fact, and he was fluent now, but the way James just breezed through it made him a tad bitter.

Evan and Barty hadn’t brought James up again. Regulus had filled them in on his tutoring arrangement, but they didn’t seem to care. It was all for the better; Regulus didn’t have time to deal with their opinions.

As Halloween drew closer, Regulus found himself buried in a mountain of schoolwork, along with his extracurriculars.

Professor Sprout had been giving him and Pandora more work, entrusting them with harder tasks, but Regulus didn’t mind the work. He really loved the greenhouses.

It was the fourth weekend of October a week before Halloween, when Pandora had another vision. They were working in the greenhouse, using some miracle-grow potion on the miniature pumpkins, when Regulus heard something shatter against the concrete floor. He had whipped around to find a puddle of green potion pooling around Pandora's feet while she stood frozen in place. Her face was covered with a sheer look of terror, her mouth slack and eyes pressed firmly closed.

Regulus had put his own bottle down and cautiously approached her, waiting for her to wake up. He had seen her have a couple of visions before, but it was usually way less invasive. Mostly she just stared into space for a few seconds, sometimes a couple minutes, and then she was back, almost as if she was daydreaming. He had never once seen her this freaked out.

“Pandora…?” He asked gently, taking another step forward.

Her eyes shot open suddenly, red and bloodshot, not at all the usual pale blue. Regulus sucked a breath in. This must have been a bad one.

She focused on him and crumpled to the floor, her robes soaking up the miracle-grow as tears leaked silently out of her eyes.

Regulus dropped, going to sit beside her.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

More tears flowed silently down her pale face.

“What did you see?” A whisper.

“My brother….. he was wearing a mask,” she was breathing hard now, wiping furiously at her cheeks. “And then…. someone hit him with a green light, and he went down and didn’t get back up.”

Fuck. She had seen Evan die.

“Ok…. Well, we can change it. We know what’s going to happen so we can fix it, we can rewrite the future.” Regulus tried, wrapping an arm around her shaking body.

“No we can’t. It always comes true.” Pandora was full-on sobbing now. She sounded utterly broken.

“We’ll figure it out, ok. Don’t worry.” He tried to be calming but he was shit at this. Comforting people was not his strong forte. Besides, he didn’t know how this stuff worked. In all his research into seers, he had learned that it was a terrible gift. And none of it ever made sense.

The future was a hard thing to predict. There were a million influences, a million things contributing to the path that was predicted.The butterfly effect. Any one thing could change at any time, creating a domino effect and throwing everything off course. At least that’s what Regulus tried to tell Pandora as she sobbed on the cold floor of the greenhouse.

It was little comfort to her. She had been seeing her visions come true for years now, and her gift had never failed.

Regulus still tried.

They still tried.

The thing with the future is that it’s never set in stone. There’s always another way. A different choice to make, a different path to take. Just, sometimes you inadvertently set the thing you’re trying to avoid in motion by trying to change it.

It just so happens that sometimes you inadvertently set things into motion by attempting to find the path that will change it. Maybe there is only one path. Maybe there is only the illusion of choice, with each decision spreading out infinitely before you, spiraling into different lives, when we are destined to only follow one. Maybe trying to stray from this path is how we inevitably walk it.

So….. maybe there is just one path after all. Maybe things do turn out the way they were supposed to. Maybe nothing we do changes anything at all. Regulus tried not to dwell on that as he sat with Pandora, knowing that his friend was destined to die.

When Regulus returned to the dorm that night, after walking a silent Pandora to back to the Ravenclaw common room, he found the Slytherin common room cold and empty. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a stab of fear at that. After learning what he had today, it would hang over him for the rest of his life, wondering when and how Evan was going to die.

It was a horrible thing. He didn’t know how Pandora stood it, watching the things she loves wither away, knowing she has absolutely no power to do anything but stand by and observe. Maybe that was why she was so distant all the time. If you don’t get close to people, no one can hurt you. Regulus understood that part very well.

—-----

Friday, October 31

The Halloween feast was possibly James' favourite holiday at Hogwarts. Second only to Christmas. He loved the way everyone went all out and how the Great Hall was covered in candles, pumpkins, and all manner of black and orange decorations. He simply loved holidays.

This year, though, he had another reason to look forward to the feast.

It had taken them three weeks to figure out, with every spare bit of time spent researching time-delay charms and advanced transfiguration. In the end, it had been Peter who had done the most work. Turns out, he was a genius at time delay spells. None of the rest of them had even come close to his mastery.

The way it worked was they needed to sneak into each professor's office during the days leading up to Halloween. A bit of luck was required as well, providing the professor they were targeting had left their robes out, and providing it was the set they were planning on wearing to the feast.

Peter and Sirius did that part, sneaking around under James' cloak during the day. Peter would set the time delay spell and then Sirius would do the transfiguration. Remus acted as lookout, since he was the most inconspicuous, and James was on redirection; he was setting off dungbombs, stopping the professors to talk, really anything to delay them from heading back to their office and finding Peter and Sirius.

All in all, the whole prank took them a full week to execute, not counting the time spent practicing the spells. The whole week leading up to Halloween was a frenzy of activity. Some professors had a limited time slot that they were away from their offices, leaving the foursome to miss lunch on three separate occasions, much to Remus’s dismay.

All in all, it was extremely worth it. They were all down in the common room, an hour to spare before the feast. It was mostly empty at this time of day, though there were a few seventh years in the corner, bent over a stack of books.

Remus was snacking on stolen chocolates from Honeydukes, Peter was on the floor scratching out a homework assignment, and Sirius was draped over a chair by the fire, his eyes closed, listening to music blasting from his record player. It had been a gift from Andromeda a few weeks ago. She had sent it along with a Bowie album and a few others. Remus and Sirius had latched onto Bowie, though, and had been insufferable since then; the record was on repeat 24/7. James had the whole thing memorized by now, much to his dismay. Bowie was good, he couldn’t deny that, James was just irritated that the soundtrack of his life at this current time was ‘The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust.’

“Oi, how are you possibly hungry?” James lobbed a pillow at Remus’s head.

Remus deflected it towards Sirius, who shot up when it landed on his stomach, opening his eyes and glaring at Remus, who swiftly pointed back at James.

“I’m innocent! It was him!” James laughed, surrendering his hands.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, clearly suspicious, and whipped the pillow back at Remus.

“Wanker,” James heard the word muttered in his direction. He smiled and relaxed back.

James knew what was coming, but every year, walking into the decorated Great Hall, it still took his breath away.

The candles hovering overhead were no longer their pale waxy colour. Instead they sported bright hues of purple, orange, and deep black. The sky overhead was clear and shimmering with stars, though James noticed they didn’t mimic the real sky. Huge carved pumpkins were centered at all four tables, along with more candles, and all manner of strange decorations, most of which were gothic and skeletal in nature. On all sides of the hall there lay swaths of spiderwebs, stretched from one wall to the other with presumably fake black widows spinning lazily within. At least James hoped they were fake; they were the size of cats and all.

The Great Hall was always loud, but it was deafening today. Halloween rarely fell on a Friday, so there was no doubt that the parties would be blowouts this year.

The four took their usual seats at the table. Frank Longbottom smiled at them as they did, lifting one hand to greet them. Mary and Marlene came to sit with them as well, Mary smiling and twisting her brown hair through her fingers while she batted her eyelashes at Sirius. James snorted into his hand, turning away to hide his laughter.

She had been all over Sirius since the beginning of this year, but Sirius was oblivious to all her advances. James wondered briefly if he should tell him but decided against it; watching it was far too much fun.

Marlene and Remus were chatting away as well, talking about some assignment in Care of Magical Creatures. James wasn’t in that class; James, Sirius, and Peter had Herbology at that time. James had never been much into magical creatures, and neither was Sirius. Peter seemed indifferent, tending to follow suit with whatever the majority decided.

As the hall filled up, James found his eyes wandering once again to the Slytherin table. He caught sight of Barty and Evan, roughhousing at their seats, but no Regulus. He frowned.

“James, was that you who set off a dung bomb in the potions corridor today?” Mary leaned forward. “I thought I saw you ducking into an empty classroom while everyone was running.”

James smirked; he had indeed done that. “Me? Mary, you've got the wrong guy. I would never do something like that. Why, I’m an upstanding citizen, I would never break the rules like that!” He placed his hand over his heart as he spoke, a testament to his irrefutable innocence. Remus snorted into his goblet of pumpkin juice and Sirius almost fell off the bench.

“Ah, so it was you,” Mary sniggered.

“Guilty,” James confessed. “You’ll see why VERY soon.”

As if on cue, Dumbledore rose from his seat at the head table, his brilliant blue sparking robes catching everyone’s eye. The hall fell silent.

“ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER HALLOWEEN!” His voice boomed through the air.

“Ready?” Sirius murmured as all four of them pulled their wands out.

Peter nodded, and James couldn’t contain his smile. “Yep.”

All four of them pointed their wands under the table up towards the front and muttered the spell. The effect was instantaneous.

There was a series of loud pops as every single teacher changed from their fancy, pressed robes into some form of ridiculous costume.

Slughorn was now wearing a massive pumpkin costume, his arms waving frantically out the side like weeds. Professor Sprout looked like she had been eaten by a flowerpot, her head smack in the middle of a gigantic yellow sunflower. Professor Trelawney was a brilliant ball of light, complete with stars and planets orbiting her head; she swatted at them, trying to catch one out of the air. Professor McGonagall was now wearing a teacup, liquid spilling over the brim of the cup every time she moved. Professor Binns was on stilts, wearing a jester hat complete with bells, though they couldn’t be heard over the commotion in the hall. He toddled around in an attempt to balance, but failed miserably, tumbling into Trelawyney, and sending them both crashing to the floor.

James almost fell out of his seat. He was laughing so hard.

Though, best of all, was Dumbledore’s costume. Peter had thought of it: a massive bird costume, complete with a ruby red headpiece covered in feathers. His arms were raised from the speech, really showing off his massive wingspan. He didn’t even seem all that bothered by it, just raising his eyebrows slightly, a small smile appearing on his lined face.

“WELL THEN, IT SEEMS WE HAVE SOME EXTRA HALLOWEEN SPIRIT TODAY!” Dumbledore said over the chaos, his eyes twinkling as he looked directly in James' direction.

It was complete and utter disarray. By the time everyone had been transfigured back, James' sides hurt from laughing, his face felt sore from the prolonged smiling, and everyone in the hall was chattering about what had just happened.

“TUCK IN!” Dumbledore boomed, still in his bird costume. He had simply waved Professor McGonagall off when she tried to change it.

The platters in front of James suddenly appeared, bursting with food. There was every manner of sweet imaginable, platters of roast chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes, corn, anything you could possibly think of, there was a plate of it somewhere.

They all began to pile their plates high, laughing and talking amongst themselves as they did.

“That was brilliant,” Mary exclaimed, scooping a large helping of bread pudding onto her plate.

It was directed at no one in particular, but Sirius took a bow anyway.

James chuckled to himself, rather proud of what they had accomplished.

They didn't get to bask in their glory for long. Professor McGonagall pulled all four of them aside at midnight and handed out a lengthy sentence of detentions before sending them back to their dorms, though she looked like she was suppressing a smile.

James was fine with that. They had a party to throw tonight, and the detentions weren’t until next week. Even Peter, who was usually soured a great deal by being handed a punishment, hadn’t had his mood sapped at all.

So they all returned to the common room in high spirits, laughing and recounting the way Slughorn had rolled under the table, his pumpkin suit preventing him from getting back up without assistance.

When they were back in Gryffindor tower, they all sprung to work. Sirius pulled down his records under threat of death by James if he played one more hour of the Bowie album. They had settled on a mix of his other stuff, a mix of Iggy Pop, Led Zeppelin, and Neil Young.

Peter and James set up the decorations, sending long lines of orange and black streamers out of the tips of their wands and covering the common room in a film of festivity.

Remus went to go grab his stash of fire whiskey. James didn’t know where he got it, and he didn’t ask, but Remus had gotten a lot. They dragged it all down to the main floor and collapsed back onto the couch, waiting for everyone else to get back from the feast.

It didn’t take long.

Students began to trickle in slowly, laughing about the feast and the prank, congratulating James and Sirius, and grabbing cups of the aforementioned fire whiskey.

Within half an hour, it was a right blowout.

Sirius turned the music up and began dancing. The no-Bowie rule had gone out the window within fifteen minutes, but James let it go; he would just change it back once Sirius was drunk enough.

The fire-whiskey was excellent. James had never drunk much before. He had gotten tipsy a couple of times but never properly smashed.

At some point in the night, all four of them were sitting in front of the fire, listening to the party rage around them. They had snatched a bottle and were passing it back and forth, tossing new prank ideas into the wind.

“Oh, I love it here,” Sirius slurred, throwing his arms around Peter and Remus.

“Me too,” James responded, transfixed by the fire.

“No, like here as in, here.” He gestured to the four of them. “I’m so happy I never have to go home again.”

James’s smile fell. He thought of Regulus for a brief second, shouting at him that he could never leave now that Sirius had cemented his role as heir. It made him sad.

“Ok, you sap, think you’ve had enough now.” Remus broke in, snatching the bottle from Sirius and taking a large swig.

“Oi, I need some!” Peter cut in, pulling it out of Remus’s hands before taking a sip and passing it to James.

“Yeah, give it to me!” James cheered, the whiskey burning down his throat as he took a huge gulp.

Mary and Marlene joined them after that, and they all passed the bottle around some more. Then, someone had the brilliant idea to play truth or dare. They all cheered drunkenly at that.

Peter went first. “Marlene, I dare you to finish the bottle.” He held up the glass; about an inch of amber remained in the bottom.

Marlene smirked before snatching it out of his hand and draining it. More shouts erupted from the group.

Remus got up to grab another one and while he was gone, James dared Sirius to change the music from Bowie to literally anything else. He complied with a frown.

The room was sickeningly warm now; James moved back from the fire, his head spinning as he got up to sit on the couch.

It was Mary’s turn. She slumped down into Sirius’s lap and sighed dramatically. “Truth; Sirius, are you ever going to ask me out?”

James leaned forward, a grin plastered on his face. Sirius looked like a deer in headlights for a split second before leaning down and pressing his lips against Mary’s.

The whole room broke into cheers at that. James pressed his fingers to his mouth and whistled loudly.

The game broke apart shortly after. James was extremely intoxicated, so he stayed at the couch, listening to the music and watching Sirius dance with Mary, their bodies pressed close. Peter had passed out on the floor, his wand slipping from his fingers as he snored lightly.

Remus had disappeared somewhere. A quick scan of the room told James he wasn’t down here. James got up, stumbling over Peter’s outstretched hand to look for him.

It didn’t take long for James to find him in the dorm, smoking a cigarette next to the window, all the lights turned off. He jumped at the sound of the door closing and turned, relaxing a bit when he realized it was just James.

“Alright, mate?” He asked, taking a seat next to him. He didn’t smoke, but in his drunken state, he extended a hand. Remus obliged, placing his lit cigarette between James's fingers and pulling a fresh one out before lighting it with his wand and inhaling.

“Yeah, just a bit tired is all,” came the flat reply.

James inhaled the smoke, not enjoying the feeling of it coating his lungs. It burned a bit. He coughed and exhaled. Why did people do this?

Remus laughed, a dry and bitter sound.

James thought he definitely didn’t sound ok. “You sure?” He prodded, taking another hit of his cigarette, despite his lungs' protestations. Maybe it was a little appealing. It wasn’t as bad as the first puff.

“Yeah.” James left it at that, sensing he wouldn’t get a good reaction if he poked anymore. They sat there, bathed in moonlight, enjoying the cool breeze flowing in and smoking. James didn’t ask for another one after he finished his first, and he just sat with Remus until the other boy was done.

They went to bed after that; James' head was swimming with the alcohol and nicotine. He watched the ceiling spin for a bit before passing out, only to be awoken when Sirius stumbled upstairs.

“Jaaaaaaames…. you awake?” Came the not-really-whispered sound of Sirius’s voice.

James stuck his head out and nodded, his glasses still half on his face.

“I’ve got a girlfriend,” he boasted, sitting criss-crossed on the edge of James's bed and smiling like a lunatic.

“So I saw,” James grinned back.“ Happy for you, mate.” There wasn’t a word of a lie, he really was happy for Sirius.

“Can’t believe I’d been that thick not to notice her before.” He said dreamily, flopping back and staring out the window.

“Yeah, she’s been all over you since the beginning of this year, it’s about time.”

Sirius shot up at that. “What! You noticed but I didn’t?!”

“Well….yeah, it was pretty obvious.” James replied, running his hands through his tousled hair.

“Coulda told me…” Sirius grumbled, though he was still smiling.

James yawned loudly, pressing a hand to his mouth. “Piss off now, I’m tryna sleep.” He shoved Sirius lightly.

“G’night James,” Sirius yawned back, getting off the bed.

“Hey, wait. Is Peter still downstairs?” James asked, through a haze of liquor.

“Uh, yeah.” Sirius replied, screwing up his face like he was trying to remember. “Should we get him?”

“Nah….. Oh fuck, yeah, he needs to do the spell!” James shook his head, “ Will you get him? I’m too tired.”

Sirius nodded, before letting the curtain fall, enclosing James in darkness once again. He heard the creaks as Sirius left the room, and once more when he heard Peter come back with Sirius. They all crawled into their respective beds and repeated the animagus spell in hushed whispers before letting the room go quiet again.

Just before James dozed off, he heard Remus mutter a silencing spell, the kind that kept noise in, not out.

His last thought before knocking out was wondering what that was about.

Chapter Text

Monday, November 1

Halloween had been a rather low-key affair for Regulus. He went to the feast a bit later than everyone else, so he had missed the costumes, though he did get to see Dumbledores’ considering the man was still wearing it proudly. Evan and Barty had filled him in on the rest. He was actually a bit sad he had missed Slughorn rolling around as a great big pumpkin, but alas. They ate, chatted, and then he retired to the common room with the rest of the Slytherins.

There was a party, of course, but Regulus didn’t drink this time. The memory of his last hangover was still too fresh, so he just accompanied Barty and Evan while they got completely plastered.

There was a fair amount of vomiting and cleaning that happened later, but Regulus had blocked much of that from his mind. He had gotten a good sleep and was up the next morning, slipping out of the dorm after he had repeated the words for the animagus spell before his roommates awoke. Which wasn’t saying much because they slept until two in the afternoon.

But still, he was awake for breakfast, unlike most of the school. It was a quiet affair. The people who bothered to show up were sporting headaches from last night's extracurriculars.

Regulus ate alone, reading up on the history of unforgivable curses as he did. Another essay for Defence Against the Dark Arts.

He noticed the Gryffindor table was the most sparse, with only a couple of students dotted along it. Big party, he thought to himself, smirking.

When he was finished, he headed up to the library and spent the hours until lunch catching up on assignments. The library was nice and quiet, as usual. He went to his familiar corner and immersed himself in studying.

Lunch was more of the same, just with more students. Not James or his friends, though, Regulus noted.

He spent the rest of the afternoon alone. It was fine with him, he liked being alone.

Barty and Evan joined for dinner, and Regulus silently pushed some orange juice at them. Thank you, Pandora.

Actually, now that he was thinking about it, he hadn’t seen her at all since her vision in the greenhouse. He scanned the hall and found her blond hair missing. Hmm. He would need to find her tomorrow.

He didn't, however, find her the next day. She was still mysteriously absent from all meals. It was starting to worry Regulus a little bit because Pandora was a social butterfly; she was ALWAYS around. After some prodding, he learned from Evan that she had been in the hospital wing for a couple of days. He mumbled something about her eyes. Evan didn’t seem all that keen on sharing and glared at him when Regulus asked for more information.

Regulus didn’t catch the last bit; he was already off to see her, ignoring the calls from the table for him to stay out of it.

Madam Pomfrey didn’t want to let him in, citing that Pandora needed quiet and rest. Regulus pushed past her and strode all the way to the back. She was surrounded by curtains, way tucked into the corner of the room, out of the way.

Her usually artificially curled, blond hair was in two flat braids, and she had none of her familiar charm. Her pale skin was pallid and colourless. But the most striking difference was the thick white bandage wrapped around her eyes. Regulus could see thin red scratches peeking out from where the gauze stopped.

“Pandora?” He asked tentatively. She was just staring at the wall. Well, not really staring, since her eyes were covered. More just existing.

Her head turned at the sound of his voice, a small hand creeping instinctively over the covers to find his. Her hand was warm, despite the cold, sterile environment. Regulus gripped it and took a seat in the chair next to her.

“Are you ok?” He asked, feeling very much like a helpless child. He fucking hated that feeling.

“I’m here….” She replied, in a voice that sounded like she wished very much to be anywhere but here. It was jarring, hearing a voice that was bitter and jaded coming from the light and bubbly person that was Pandora. Used to be Pandora.

“What happened?” Maybe it was some freak accident? Maybe she just saw something she shouldn’t have. Regulus had read about that. Sometimes being a seer could cause physical damage.

“I……” Her thin voice trailed off. Regulus looked around helplessly, Madam Pomfrey was standing a few feet away, her eyes full of concern and pity. “I thought maybe I could make it stop….. if I couldn’t see anymore, then maybe I wouldn’t get the visions.” The words were barely above a whisper.

Regulus took a deep breath at that. Bloody hell. “Did it work?”

“No….” A whimpered reply.

Regulus had never seen her like this. Sure, she was devastated after her vision in the greenhouse the other day, but she had seemed ok. Not like someone who was about to try and claw their own eyes out. She hadn’t said much on their walk but….. fuck. Had he missed this?

No. He was good at this. He did this at home all the time. He knew the signs. Pandora hadn’t displayed any of them; she just seemed sad. She had seemed like any normal person would after seeing their brother die in a vision.

Regulus squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry,” he whispered back.

Nothing. Not even a twitch of recognition. Pandora was gone; there was a shell in her place.

Regulus sat there, holding her limp hand for another 20 minutes. Then, he got up and closed the curtains around her again.

“What really happened?” He walked up to Madam Pomfrey and demanded, needing to hear the story from someone responsible enough to tell it.

“She’ll be ok. Her vision is still intact.” The woman reassured him, trying to place a wrinkly hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off and she retreated.

“What. Happened.” Regulus’s tone was emotionless, he had plenty of experience dealing with mental illness.

“Last weekend, a student found her alone in the bathroom, passed out in a pool of her own blood. She had tried to claw her own eyes out. She still won’t tell me why. It’s healed….. I healed it. The bandages are so she won’t do it again.”

Regulus nodded and closed his eyes. He appreciated Madam Pomfrey telling him the facts. Of course Pandora wouldn’t tell anyone she’s a seer. She was so damn stubborn. “Fuck….. how long?” He gestured around.

Madam Pomfrey nodded. “I’m keeping her here until she’s better. Not just physically. If she doesn’t improve, we may send her to St. Mungos.”

For the first time in this whole encounter, Regulus felt a flash of fear for her. Pandora would go insane in St. Mungos. Regulus knew the mental health ward well enough, he had been there many times with his mum.

He wanted to beg, to go back to Pandora and plead with her to get better. But there was nothing he could do. So instead, he cast one more look at the curtained off corner, thanked Madam Pomfrey, and walked away.

He wasn’t quite sure where he was going. It was more of an aimless wander. It wasn’t until he heard his brother’s voice that he realized he had wandered down to the Quidditch pitch.

He faintly recognized the voices above him, yelling at each other as they practised tossing a quaffle back and forth. It was James and Sirius. They hadn’t noticed him yet.

Regulus knew he should just turn around, just walk back up to the castle and leave them to their game. He just couldn’t get his feet to move.

He was stuck there a good 15 minutes, feet frozen in place, tucked in the corner beside one of the stands, staring mutely at the trodden grass.

It was Sirius who noticed him first.

“Is that my brother?” An incredulous voice from above.

Regulus didn’t look up.

“Uh… yeah, I think it is.” James' voice, closer now.

“Oi, get the fuck out of here!” Sirius landed and stalked up to Regulus, his voice laced with anger. “You slimy fucking prick.”

His hands landed on Regulus’s shoulders, shoving him harshly to the ground. Regulus didn’t even register what had happened until he felt the mud seep through his robes. He just stared up at Sirius, empty.

“Sirius!” James called, landing a second later. “Is he ok?”

“I don’t give a fuck, he’s a git who almost let you die at the last match.” Sirius whipped his head around, hair flying everywhere.

It was so long now, Regulus reflected. Longer than Walburga would be ok with.

“He’s not even fucking there, you idiot. Something happened.” James’s hands were on his arm now, pulling him up. Regulus went with the flow.

“Regulus, are you ok?” James' voice was soft. The way you would talk to an injured child. The way he had talked to Pandora.

Regulus nodded, meeting James's brown eyes.

“No, you’re not. Come sit down.” Regulus was guided to the stands and forced to sit down. A warm spell hit his side where he was covered in mud. The mud soaking his robes dissipated into thin air.

“James, I frankly don’t give a shit what’s wrong.” Sirius again, sounding annoyed and angry.

“You fucking prick, that’s your brother!” James whirled around.

“ I know!” Sirius responded, his voice tinged with a hint of concern now, rather than anger. “I know….. just, fuck I can’t do this again.”

Regulus looked up, locking eyes with Sirius. He looked fucking terrified. Sirius turned and left, his long hair blowing in the wind.

“Sirius!” James called after him.

Sirius didn’t turn around.

“He thinks I look like mum,” Regulus said. The thought of it was so funny it made him laugh. Then he was laughing so hard he couldn’t stop. It was just so hilarious.

“Regulus… are you ok?” James was so concerned. That made him laugh harder.

“Yeah….” He choked out through fits of giggles. “Pandora’s in the hospital……. She tried to claw her eyes out because………because she couldn’t stop seeing Evan die……..and they’re gonna send her to St. Mungos…..and Sirius thinks I look like mum.”

James didn’t know what to do. Regulus could see the internal conflict in his eyes as he howled with laughter. Was he having some kind of psychotic break?

That wasn’t funny. Regulus stopped laughing. “ He thinks I look like mum in one of her episodes,” he repeated.

“Well…..” James said slowly, “that’s a lot to unpack.”

“Yeah.” More giggles.

“Is Pandora going to be ok?” James asked.

“Probably not. She just watched her brother die, and now she has to live with knowing she can’t change anything.” Regulus replied honestly.

“Right….. Are you going to be ok?” James was bad at this, Regulus could tell.

“No.” Regulus told the truth. Nothing about this was ok. But it didn’t really matter.

“I’m sorry,” James replied, sounding truly sad.

“I’m ok. I'm going back to the castle now.” Regulus stood up, snapping back to reality and realizing that he was literally sitting in the open with James Potter. He brushed the leftover dirt off his robes. Things needed to be clean.

“Ummmm, I’m gonna come with you, is that ok?” James asked, still in that pitying voice.

Regulus shrugged. It didn’t matter much to him until they got back to the castle. He was so drained all of a sudden. The wind was cold, and it was getting dark. He just wanted to sleep.

After James collected his and Sirius’s brooms, they walked back up to the castle in silence.

Regulus was tired. He was so done with talking and thinking, thankfully James didn’t press. Regulus shrugged him off at the entry, wanting to be alone and definitely not wanting to be seen with James.

Despite his protestations, James did eventually say goodbye, though his eyes were still full of concern.

“I’ll see you Tuesday, Ok?”

Regulus nodded. His head hurt.

————

What the fuck was that? James felt like he had just been pulled through a port-key the wrong way.

He still didn’t quite know what to say.

Regulus had been a whirlwind of emotions, stone-faced and out of it, delirious and hysterical, then back to borderline comatose.

He had said he looked like his mum during one of her episodes. James didn’t know what that meant. He had to find Sirius. Sirius would know. And….. shit, Sirius was probably freaking out. James really needed to find him.

He checked the dorm first. Peter and Remus were in the common room, heads shoved together while they worked on assignments. A quick glance told James that Sirius hadn’t been here. He double-checked anyway.

“Either of you seen Sirius in the last hour?” James panted, breathless from the run up the tower.

“No, sorry, wasn’t he with you?” Peter responded absently, chewing on the backside of a feather quill.

James didn’t bother replying, just dashed back up the second set of stairs to grab the Marauder's Map.

As it turned out, Sirius was with Mary. They were alone in an empty classroom, and James had a good idea of what they were doing. He had no intention to step in on that, so he just stayed put, halfheartedly pulling out some parchment to join Remus and Peter in their studying session.

James was still so confused. He didn’t get why Sirius was so mad or what Regulus was talking about. And the longer he waited for Sirius, the more his anger grew. He always fucking did this, ran away from anything that was challenging. For the first time, James understood slightly where Regulus was coming from.

It was quarter past 10 when Peter and Remus packed it up, citing they were still tired from last night. James nodded; he was exhausted too, but he needed to talk to Sirius.

After his friends had left, the rest of the common room slowly emptied. By the time James saw Sirius’s name moving along the halls, the common room had been empty for at least half an hour.

When at last, the portrait swung open and Sirius sauntered in, his hair rumpled, a self-assured grin on his face, and a smiling Mary on his arm; it took James everything he had to not smack the shit out of him.

“Mary, could you give us a moment?”James got out through gritted teeth.

“Oh, uh, sure, James. Goodnight!” Mary smiled, kissing Sirius on the cheek and flouncing up the stairs, her curly hair bouncing as she went.

“Tell me you didn’t just abandon your brother, who was clearly going through something, to snog Mary all over the school,” James started.

Sirius blushed, running a hand over the back of his neck. “It wasn’t really like that….” He protested weakly.

James cut him off with a hand. “No, what the fuck Sirius? You don’t just get to leave like that! He’s your family!”

“I seem to recall you being all for me leaving my family last summer! You were fucking ecstatic, but now it’s not ok? So what changed? Why are you getting all high and mighty on me for doing exactly what you encouraged me to do?” Sirius pushed back at him.

“I never encouraged you to leave Regulus…” It was a lie; they both knew it. James hadn’t cared one bit about Regulus when Sirius left. He had been happy that his best friend had abandoned his entire family, Regulus included. But that was before James got to know him. Only Sirius didn’t know that James and Regulus had a relationship now.

“Oh yes you fucking did.” Sirius laughed, a sharp and bitter sound. “You were all, ‘don’t worry about him, he can take care of himself’ whenever I brought up Regulus. So tell me. What. Changed.”

James swallowed.

Sirius continued, his voice rising. “I was devastated to leave my brother in that house, and YOU encouraged it. YOU said it would be ok. So I did, but I still cared. He’s my little brother, of course I fucking cared. And then I saw how much he was like them, and I realized that he had always been that way. He was never going to change. He let you fall at that quidditch match, from a height that could have killed you, all for a bloody snitch to win a school game. But now, you want to tell me that I did wrong by him? That I should have just let him come to me today with whatever the fuck was going on? You know what? I don’t even want to know what happened. I’m over it.”

James was blinking back tears now. Sirius was right. He had encouraged him to leave Regulus alone in that house.

“He said he looked like his mum,” James whispered. “What does that mean?”

Sirius stared back at him with an unrecognizable expression. “He had no right to say that.”

“But what does it mean?”

Sirius seemed to deflate; he sank into one of the couches and rested his head on his hand. “Walburga has….episodes,” he started. “It wasn’t so bad when we were little, but she’s been getting worse the past few years… Regulus has always been good with her. He……got the worst of it. She could never be around me or Orion during her episodes so it always fell on him to take care of her.”

James nodded, though he didn’t know exactly what ‘episodes’ meant.

“He really did look like her today. That panicked, distant look. I just….couldn’t do that again.”

“I’m sorry.” James was sorry for a lot today.

Sirius sighed and waved a hand dismissively. “Why do you care so much now? About Regulus? Is it just your massive saviour complex?”

Shit. Was Sirius right? Maybe James did have a saviour complex. It certainly made a lot of sense.

“I don’t know. He just looked so fucking sad today,” James replied. “I felt bad.”

“James Potter, always the knight in shining armour,” Sirius muttered.

He smiled weakly. “Yeah, that’s me.” He couldn’t tell Sirius that he and Regulus were friends; he wouldn’t get it.

“I’m going to bed, James.” Sirius got up and looked at James for a long time before sighing and rushing up the stairs, two at a time.

James sighed once more. This wasn’t over; Sirius just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. James understood that his friend's main response to anything slightly uncomfortable was always to run away.

He stayed down there a long time, replaying the events of the day, before eventually heading up to the dorm. All his friends were sleeping, and James just slid into his own sheets, repeating the Animagus spell before taking his glasses off and falling into a fitful sleep.

————

Regulus had to find Evan. He needed to know what was going on and why Evan had kept this from him. He knew that Barty and Evan liked to poke fun at his friendship with Pandora but the fact that Evan had kept this information from him was maddening.

He walked down the halls slowly, still tired from the whiplash of finding out about Pandora and then what had happened with James and Sirius.

His brain was still reeling when he reached the dungeons. Regulus slipped through the door and scanned the common room. It was dark, as usual, and there were only a handful of students, none of them Barty or Evan. Maybe they were in the dorm.

Regulus scowled and stalked upstairs, banging into his room to find Barty and Evan on the floor, talking in hushed whispers.

“So, were you even going to tell me if I hadn’t asked?” Regulus said, in a dangerous, quiet tone.

Evan looked up at him, eyes narrowing. He rose to his feet. “No. It’s none of your business.”

“How the fuck do you figure?” Regulus spat back.

“What? You think just because you spend a few hours a week with her in the greenhouse that you have some right to know anything? Because you don’t.”

Barty got up now, and went to stand behind Evan with his arms crossed, though he stared at the floor like he didn’t want to get in the middle of it.

“She’s my friend.”

“She’s my sister.”

They stared at each other for a second. Barty shifted uncomfortably in the background.

Surely Evan knew that Pandora was a seer. That was the kind of thing you tell your siblings? Right? Maybe that was why he was being so protective now, he was trying to keep her secret?

“Do you know what she saw?” Regulus asked, lightening his tone a little.

Evan eyed him up and down before relaxing slightly. “No. She wouldn’t say.”

Oh. Now he was really caught between a rock and a hard place. Was he supposed to say? If Regulus had been the one she saw die, would he want to know? Probably not. Besides, Pandora clearly wanted to shield Evan from that.

“Can’t have been too good, then.”

“Yeah.”

Evan flopped back onto his bed, letting out a long sigh. “Fuck.”

Regulus knew how he felt. He was exhausted. They went to bed shortly after that, all in a kind of somber silence now that the truth was out about Pandora.

That night, when Regulus repeated the animagus spell, he felt a faint thrumming in his chest, like there was a mirror of his heartbeat reflecting back from within him. It was comforting, he listened to the double beat until he dozed off.

—------

Tuesday, November 4 

Remus was being weird. All Sunday and Monday he had been antsy, the way he got before a full moon but that wasn’t for another two weeks.

He left early at meals, constantly citing he had somewhere to be, and avoided Sirius like the plague. James would never admit it, but he was kind of doing the same thing, avoiding Sirius. Not like Sirius was going out of his way to find James though. All in all, there was a weird dynamic in their group. Poor Peter had no idea what was going on.

The two classes that James had with just Sirius were incredibly awkward. James didn’t know how to broach the topic of Regulus again even though they desperately needed to, and Sirius tried to make small talk about Mary, which fell flat every time.

James didn’t get all the hype behind having a girlfriend. Well, he used to have a bit of a crush on Lily, but this year she seemed to be putting as much distance between them as possible. He saw her hanging out with Snape a lot. Just the thought of greasy snivellus being near Lily made James lip curl in disgust.

The entirety of Tuesday was yet another odd day. Remus continued his track of arriving and leaving early at meals, leaving Peter to desperately try and bridge the gap between James and Sirius. It wasn’t working well. Most of the time, James found other people to talk to, accosting Marlene and Frank so many times that they started looking at him weird. He avoided Mary, because of her new connection to Sirius.

James supposed it was better for him, he had a girlfriend he could devote the time he had previously spent with James to.

His French lesson with Regulus was actually getting to be the highlight of his day, despite how weird he knew it was going to be.

So it did come as a bit of surprise to James when he climbed into the Astronomy tower to find Regulus sitting on his usual purple cushion, reading a small French textbook and acting as though all was right with the world.

People cope in different ways, James supposed.

“Hi.”

“Hi?” James pulled his book bag off his shoulder and set it down slowly. He couldn’t find the map today, one of the other boys must have taken it. James really hoped it hadn’t been Sirius.

“So I figured we would spend some time working on your spelling. You’re really terrible at spelling in French.” Regulus tossed him a small notebook.

Ok, so they were ignoring the elephant in the room. He could do that. James was a master at compartmentalizing. He took a seat and opened the notebook up, inside were dozens of sentences written in Regulus’s neat cursive.

“Fix the mistakes,” Regulus ordered.

So James did. He had to get up to retrieve a quill and inkwell but soon he was back, face pressed close to the notebook in order to see in the dim candle lighting.

Regulus was sticking to basic sentences thankfully. ‘La chatte a couru à la grange’, ‘La vache boit de l’eau’, that sort of thing. It made James smirk a little, seeing such elegant calligraphy being used to write out such childish sentences.

“What’s so funny?” Regulus asked.

“Your writing is so fancy, I feel like I’m defiling something by writing over it,” James grinned.

“Fuck off.”

James ignored him. “I bet you were such an adorable little kid, doing your French lessons, all proper-like.”

“I will hurt you.” Regulus glared at him. “And I’ll have you know I hated doing French. Mum made me learn it because it was her language as a child but I was terrible at it. Ask Sirius, it was the only thing he was better at than me.”

“Hm. I bet he held that over your head for years,” James replied, flipping to the next page.

“Yeah.”

After a couple more minutes of the only sound being quill scratching on paper, Regulus got up and started poking around the tower. He prodded walls with his wand, whispering ‘revelio’ in odd corners, he looked inside some of the drawers in the desks, and even moved some candles around aimlessly when he ran out of things to poke at. At last it got too distracting for James to continue his work.

“What are you looking for?” He dropped the notepad and looked up.

“Nothing. Sorry,” Regulus straightened, looking a little bit like a naughty child.

“Come on, you’re doing something.”

“I'm just bored, thought maybe there was something here.”

“Well, stop.”

“And do what?”

“I don’t know, practice your wordless magic? Just something quiet so I can focus.”

Regulus went silent and James picked up the notebook again.

Two minutes later, he was back at it, though trying very hard to be quiet this time. He had pulled a whole drawer from the top of a dresser and was taking each item out, studying them from every angle before placing them carefully on the ground.

James let out a dramatic sigh. “Must you?”

“Well I don’t know what else to do, this tower is insanely boring. I don’t fancy staring at walls for another hour.”

“Go look at the stars, they’re very bright tonight,” James suggested.

“That's boooooring.”

“God, you’re like a toddler.”

“Hey!”

“Well it’s true!” James defended, raising his hands.

“Fine, I’ll go ‘look at the stars’,” Regulus resigned mockingly.

And he did. He laid down across from James and stared up at the expanse of lights beaming in through the glass ceiling.

James continued fixing the sentences. He got about 10 minutes of work done before Regulus started sighing and shuffling in place.

“What is with you tonight?” James slapped down the notebook for the third time and glaring at Regulus.

Regulus tipped his head back, letting his curls brush against the ground. “Sorry that my perfect Tuesday night doesn’t consist of spending two hours watching paint dry. Oh wait… I think this is even more boring than that.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“I resent that,” Regulus grumbled.

“Resent it quietly then.”

The fourth time James put the notebook down, he knew he wasn’t picking it back up.

“Fine, what do you want to do instead?” James asked.

Regulus looked up at him like a deer in headlights. He had long since moved on from stargazing and was now sending pillows across the room with a flick of his wand, then recalling them with whispers. He thought he was being so silent.

“I don’t know,” Regulus shrugged, dropping the pillow he had just recalled.

“Seriously?” James raised an eyebrow, “you don’t have any ideas? After all the time you spent aimlessly wandering this tower and you don’t have a single suggestion?”

Regulus opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, the trapdoor banged open. James whipped his head around to look while Regulus dove behind a desk.

A very familiar head poked through, smiling and looking down at someone below him before he realized the tower was occupied.

“Oh…..” Sirius locked eyes with James and his smile dropped. He scanned the room. “You up here by yourself? Odd place to choose.”

“Yeah……” James trailed off, his eyes darting around anxiously.

“Mary, it’s occupied.” Sirius called down and began retreating. “Sorry, mate.”

“S’ok”

The door closed and Regulus poked his head out with what could only be described as a horrified expression.

James looked back over at Regulus and smirked. “So, I believe we were trying to think of something to occupy our time?”

“Does Sirius have a girlfriend?”

The way he said it sounded so incredulous and disgusted that James had to laugh.

“Yeah, Mary Macdonald”

Regulus wrinkled his nose at that.

“What?”

“Well, she’s muggleborn, isn’t she?” Regulus spat the word out like it tasted foul. James gaped at him. He couldn’t possibly be insinuating that Sirius shouldn’t be with her because of that. No way. Regulus wasn’t like that. Was he?

“So what?” James defended, his voice having lost all of the earlier humour.

“It's wrong. He should be with someone of his own status.”

James couldn’t believe him. The way he just said that, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like he was discussing what kind of tea to make instead. ‘His own status?’ It made him sick. He just stared back a moment before getting up and snatching his bookbag.

“Where are you going?” Regulus asked.

“Back to Gryffindor, to go hang out with all my muggleborn friends,” James snarled, kicking the trapdoor open.

He was down the ladder before Regulus had a chance to respond.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, November 5

Everything was wrong. Sirius was avoiding him, not wanting to talk about what had happened the day after Halloween. James was pissed at Regulus because of his comment in the astronomy tower, there was a weird vibe between Remus and Sirius, throwing the entire friend group for a loop and to top it all off, James had detention for the Halloween prank.

In short, life currently sucked.

He thought about this, pitying himself, as he scrubbed gunk out of cauldrons with a toothbrush, Slughorn droning on in the background about how ‘his school days were the best of his life’.

Figures.

When at last, James felt like his arms were going to fall off, Slughorn sent him to bed, citing they would finish it the next day at the same time. Something for James to look forward to.

He trudged back up to Gryffindor tower in a stupor, dead tired and exhausted in more ways than one.

Thankfully, due to the nature of his very late detention, two out of three of his friends were sleeping. Remus was still up, lounging in a chair in front of the fire, a book sprawled out on his lap, though James got the impression he wasn’t actually reading it since it was upside down. James got the distinct impression he was down here because Sirius was in the dorm.

“So,” James said, flopping into the chair opposite him, “you gonna tell me what your issue with Sirius is?”

Remus startled and looked back at him with wide eyes. “I don’t have one.”

“Fine. Don’t tell me.” James yawned. He really wasn’t in the mood to play these games, so if Remus didn’t want to share, then fine.

“Well what’s your issue with him then?” Remus asked, glancing over.

“Don’t have one,” James mimicked. Two could play at that game.

He knew he really shouldn’t be antagonizing one of the few friends that was still talking to him, but everything was just so shit right now. He couldn’t help it.

“Fine. I’m going to bed.”

“Ok.”

Remus left in a huff and James sighed. How did everything get so messed up in the span of one weekend?

He stayed there for a bit longer before dragging his feet up to bed.

————

Being in the greenhouse alone was weird now. Regulus kept turning to talk to Pandora and she wasn’t there. He missed her presence, the way she would hum while working, how she just made everything better.

She needed to get better. He couldn’t let her go to St. Mungos.

And she was, slowly but surely. It had been almost two weeks since her accident now and Regulus was seeing improvement.

She was still in the hospital wing, but he visited her multiple times every day. Madam Pomfrey had taken the bandages off, revealing a flurry of thin white scars circling her eyes. He had asked if she could remove them with magic but she just shook her head sadly, some things couldn’t be undone.

Regulus was trying. He tried so hard for her. He sat with her as much as possible, eating meals in the hospital wing, he read her books and did his homework at her bedside. He even stole a plant from the greenhouse to liven up the place. She had smiled a bit at that, emitting a small flare of hope in Regulus’s chest.

There were still bad days, where she would just stare at the walls like she wasn’t there, or weep silently. But Regulus tried his best to keep her happy, and it was working. Madam Pomfrey even let them take a walk through the grounds once, hoping the fresh air might do Pandora some good.

It had, but only because they could finally talk away from the prying eyes and ears of the hospital wing.

“Are you really going to be ok?” Regulus had asked.

They were talking the long way around the castle, skirting by the edges of the forbidden forest. Pandora was enjoying herself, the light in her eyes more prominent than it had been in days.

“Probably,” she had sighed, looking out into the forest, “I’m not crazy, I was just….overwhelmed, and I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Regulus understood that feeling very well.

“I know. It’s ok.” Regulus held an arm out and she took it. They walked along in silence for a bit before Regulus broached the topic again. He didn’t want to overwhelm her, but she needed to know the severity of the situation she was in. Seers didn’t tend to do very well in the magic world. Real ones were extremely rare and as soon as they were figured out, they were usually exploited or killed.

Regulus was going to make sure that never happened to Pandora. As long as she could keep her shit together, he was going to be there, protecting her. That's what friends were for, right? At least, James went on and on about that. Regulus was starting to understand now.

He had never really had any close friends, it was different with Barty and Evan. They were friends, sure but in a more distant way. They never talked about anything deeper than surface level, pretending it didn’t exist instead. Like how Barty’s father put him under the imperius curse every holiday. They all knew what was going on, but no one said anything about it.

With Pandora, it was unfamiliar. She wanted to talk about those things. Regulus wasn’t quite sure how to even begin doing that, but he was willing to try.

“Pandora?” He asked quietly.

She turned to face him.

“You have to be ok,” Regulus whispered. He wasn’t good at this. Feelings weren’t something you shared, they were meant to be buried and shoved down. “I really need you.”

Pandora didn’t answer, just reached a pale hand out and squeezed his. It was nice. Her hands were warm.

————

“Remus, I need advice,” James trailed off. They were alone in the library, working on transfiguration homework. McGonagall was kicking their asses this year with work.

“Alright mate, lay it on me,” Remus replied lazily.

“It’s about Regulus.” That got Remus’s full attention.

“Ok,” Remus said slowly, putting his quill down and turning to face James.

James took a deep breath before laying it all out. He told Remus what had happened at the quidditch pitch the day after Halloween, detailing it all, including the conversation he had with Sirius about Walburga and the Black family and Pandora being a seer. Then, he told Remus about the comment Regulus had made in the astronomy tower. When he was done he stared up at Remus, waiting for him to respond.

“Jesus,” Remus sighed and rubbed his head, “uhhhh, honestly I don’t know.”

What? James really needed some advice, Remus had to say something.

“Look, I know you don’t like him-“

“Never said that,“ Remus interjected.

“Whatever, the point still stands. I don’t know what to do. He never wants to talk about any of this stuff either, we just ignore it all, but I don’t think I can ignore this. ”

“Ok…… looking at it from your perspective, he’s a friend, right? So you have three options. You either try to change what you don’t like, accept it, or cut your losses.” Remus stared back at James, his expression unreadable.

“I’m not ‘cutting my losses’,” James immediately blurted out.

“Alright. Change or accept, then.” As if it was that simple.

Was it that simple? James was sure that Regulus didn’t really believe in that stuff. It was just his family and the people he was surrounded with. Regulus wasn’t inherently bad, just like Sirius wasn’t.

Yeah but Sirius left. Regulus doesn’t want to. He loves it there, he even told you so, said a little nagging voice in James' head.

And trying to change someone was fundamentally wrong. Wasn’t it? You were supposed to accept your friends. But what if they were bad people, or believed in the wrong things? Was it still wrong then?

“Thanks,” James muttered, turning back to his parchment. He was no closer to having an answer but Remus had provided some options at least. Just not good ones.

They stuck in the library for another hour before walking back up to the dorms. Peter and Sirius were waiting for them.

Honestly, James should have expected something like this to happen sooner rather than later. He just didn’t expect it from Peter.

The whole first week of November had been more of the same awkwardness. Remus was avoiding Sirius, Sirius was avoiding James, and the only person unaffected was Peter, who was extremely uncomfortable with the current group dynamic.

Sirius was sitting on the floor beside his bed, looking very annoyed and smoking a cigarette out the open window. Remus shuffled uncomfortably by the door, looking torn between bolting and asking for a cigarette.

James took one look at the intervention and instantly tried to leave. This was the last thing he wanted to do right now.

Peter stopped him, stepping in front of the door and blocking the exit.

“Excellent. Now you’re all here, we’re gonna talk about whatever is going on with you all,” Peter said with a sinister smile on his face.

James swore he was getting some sadistic pleasure out of this, but he took a seat on his pristine bed anyways.

“So,” Peter started, taking a step forward and addressing them all. “I’m sure we’ve all noticed how odd this group has been the last few days. I, for one, would like us to resolve our issues and focus on the more important aspects of life. Like what our next prank will be. I have no idea what this infighting is about, nor do I care. But all three of you are going to work it out before you leave this room.I will curse you if I have to.” Peter pulled his wand out as if threatening. No one said anything.

“Good. Commence.” Peter slipped out of the room and James heard the door lock behind him. For fucks sake. James was going to kill him. It was such a Peter thing to do.

All three of them stared at each other for a second, then Sirius offered Remus a cigarette silently and they all went to sit by the window, even though James hated the smell of the smoke.

“Bloody Peter, eh?’ Sirius joked, lighting Remus’s cigarette with the tip of his wand.

“Yeah.”

They trailed off into silence again.

“So…….” James prompted, hoping one of the others would pick up the spark. They didn’t. “I guess we should probably talk then?”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied.

More silence.

“Ok, I can start.” James fiddled with his fingers, wishing he smoked so he would have something to do with his hands. He usually wasn’t this awkward, it was having to lie to Sirius that was making him so antsy. In front of Remus too who knew the truth, it was a shit situation. “I’m sorry for taking a go at you about Regulus, I don’t really get it. I have no siblings and I don’t even know him. I stepped in where it wasn’t wanted.”

Sirius nodded, leaning forwards to exhale out the window. “S’all right mate.”

James nodded, leaving it at that and ignoring the look from Remus. Now wasn’t the time to tell him about his friendship with Regulus. Jamesnever had issues with apologizing, he knew when he was in the wrong. This was one of those times, and Sirius seemed to accept it, he wasn’t going to push his luck.

They lapsed back into quiet, though it wasn’t uncomfortable anymore. At least not for James. He was desperately curious to know what Remus’s issue was though. Remus didn’t seem too keen on sharing so James nudged him with his foot.

“What?” Remus asked, “I don’t have an issue with him!”

It was so obviously untrue, James had to stop himself from laughing. “Alright then.”

He let it go. It was Remus’s problem and if he didn’t want to share, then he didn’t have to. He could take it up with Peter.

“You sure, Moony?” Sirius leaned forward, studying Remus suspiciously.

“Yeah, no. No problem here at all,” Remus muttered, shuffling backwards.

“Oooook then. Look at us, back to a happy-go-lucky group again,” Sirius exclaimed.

James and Remus both laughed and that was that. They always had been rather good at resolving their issues. Not that they often had issues, but still. Half of James' issues were fixed. That was a good feeling in itself.

————

Monday, November 10

Though James would never admit it aloud, it was for the best that Peter had forced them all to reconcile.Remus was still being slightly distant but James shrugged it off. Whatever was going on with him was none of his problem, he had tried many times to talk to Remus about it and Remus always brushed him off. That was fine, James wasn’t going to pry, no matter how curious he was.

It was the second week of November when the lightning storm finally happened. Thankfully, it happened in the evening so getting out of classes wasn’t an issue.

It was Sirius that noticed it, dropping his spoon at dinner and turning to James with a look that could only be described as pure excitement. It was finally time. James had kicked Peter under the table, pulling his attention away from Frank Longbottom, who was regaling him with a thrilling tale of one of his old quidditch matches.

They all excused themselves quickly, hurrying up to the common room as fast as possible. James had tried to sneak a look at the Slytherin table to alert Regulus but found his place empty, as it often was these days.

Oh well. He would just need to trust that Regulus was competent enough to figure it out for himself. James had no doubt that he would.

As soon as they got into the dorm, they started ripping through their trunks, each one pulling out a blood-red phial while Remus paced around looking stressed.

“Mate, it’ll be fine,” James told him, retrieving his own phial.

“I know. Just……. Fuck. This is the only part I can’t help with.”

“We’ll be fine. Just go read a book or something, we’ll all be back soon,” Sirius reassured him with a cocky grin.

They had rehearsed this. Every source had said it was best for each of them to have their own private place to complete the first transformation. Peter was going to take the dorm. Remus could stand guard for him and make sure no one would come in. Not that anyone would, but just in case. Sirius was heading to the dungeons. Apparently he had discovered an old classroom with Mary that was out of the way and never used.

James didn’t want to know what they were doing when they discovered that.

And James himself was heading to the astronomy tower. He figured it was fine, there were no classes up there today and Regulus was sure to have found his own place. It had never even crossed his mind that he would run into him.

“Good luck!” He called, pulling his invisibility cloak over his shoulders and running down the stairs, two at a time. They didn’t know how long the storm would last, so it was best to be quick.

When James pulled himself into the dark tower, he was just as shocked as Regulus was. He was still a little angry at Regulus for his comment during their last meeting, but now wasn’t the time to bring that up again, they were on a time limit.

“This is my spot,” Regulus told him, quickly recovering and assuming his regular stone-faced expression.

“No way,” James called back, slightly out of breath from the run.

“I was here first.” Regulus stuck out his tongue and sat down, staking his claim.

“Well, I don’t know where else to go.” James sat down as well. He could be just as stubborn as Regulus.

“Really?” Regulus sighed. “You’re gonna run out the clock on us.”

“Leave then,” James suggested.

“No. I was here first.”

“Tough luck.”

A peal of thunder burst through the air, followed in quick succession by a burst of lightning. The tower was lit up for just a moment, apparently Regulus had not been there long enough to light any of the candles. That or he had just decided not to.

James stared at the other boy for a moment, just faintly able to make out the outline of his face. Regulus grinned at him and knocked back his potion.

“I'm not leaving,” James replied.

Why was Regulus so confusing? One second he was breaking down on the quidditch pitch and then the next day they were ignoring that completely and doing French lessons. Then Regulus was spouting off about blood supremacy and James was stalking away. Why was absolutely nothing simple when it came to Sirius’s brother?

James pushed that thought aside. It could wait one more day.

Rain started pounding against the glass ceiling. James took a quick look up before pulling out his own potion and downing it while making direct eye contact with Regulus. He wasn’t the only obstinate one here. Besides, the books had never said you couldn’t be in the same room as someone else. Just that it wasn’t recommended. And James was still a little pissed at Regulus, he wasn’t about to give up the tower.

“Seriously?” Regulus asked in a resigned voice. “If you turn into some weird creature and hurt me I will never forgive you.”

James nodded, placing his wand over his heart and reciting the spell one last time. Fuck, he was kinda nervous now. Regulus did the same before lying back.

Almost instantly, James was hit with an intense wave of pain, radiating from his chest outwards. He could feel it in his fingertips, pulsing and red hot. Faintly, he heard Regulus gasp for air on the other side of the room, then his heartbeat got too loud to hear anything else.

The world was fading, his vision going black at the edges. He felt his wand slip out of his fingertips and the pain worsened for a moment before dissipating. James took a deep breath in and opened his eyes.

It was a stag, standing before him in a void of darkness. Huge brown eyes stared at him, looking down from above. All the books had said it was important to not show fear, but James didn’t feel anything of the sort. This was fucking incredible. It was the best kind of euphoria, he felt like he could take on the world right now. The stag surveyed him, tilting its head and bowing ever so slightly.

Almost unconsciously, he reached a hand out to touch the beast. James felt his fingers brush warm fur for a brief second before everything changed again.

The best way James could describe the change was as a mixture of a portkey and floo powder. His vision twisted and whirled in the dark room, pulling him every which way. His body felt off, warm and feverish. It was an uncomfortable feeling, a sort of pulling in his navel. He felt almost like he was about to puke.

When at last it was over, James opened his eyes to find his field of view much taller than usual. He went to look down and found himself staring at a set of brown furred legs with hooves. He lifted one up tentatively.

It was one of the greatest feelings James had ever felt in his life. He wanted to run, to leap through the first like he was meant to. A slight shift of his head showed the forest in the background, just outside the window. He could feel it calling to him, the scents and smells so familiar to him, he could almost taste it.

He was restless. It was so close, but so far. Antlers dragged along the wooden beams overhead and James wanted to tear them all down, just to get outside.

The intensity of his feelings frightened him. He had never felt longing at such a level before. It physically hurt to be stuck inside.

He was almost panicking now, heartbeat rising with every second. He needed to get out. Without thinking, he began to shake, his antlers scraping the walls and leaving long gouges in the wood.

It was Regulus that snapped him out of it. A quiet meow called his attention to a lithe black cat, perched atop one of the cabinets.

If James was in human form, he would have laughed. Regulus had said it, hadn’t he? Pandora had been right, not that he had doubted her. But the image of Regulus as a tiny little cat was adorable. James made a mental note to tease him about it when they got back to their bodies.

In the meantime, Regulus jumped down from the closet, his tail twitching in irritation. James felt a stab of envy, the cat had so much more room to move. James was suffocating in this enclosed space.

He knelt down, trying to become smaller and the cat moved closer, eying James up and down. Even in cat form, he still had the same judgemental look.

James curled even further in upon himself. The walls felt like they were closing in, pressing at his sides and threatening to squash him. The stag was panting now, fast and heavy.

Regulus stalked forwards, lightly avoiding James' long legs. He was distinctly aware of Regulus’s presence now, a small bundle of fur and warmth pressing into James chest. As much as he hated to admit it, it was working, calming him down the tiniest bit.

James didn’t understand how Regulus could be so calm, he was even fucking purring. How? James felt like the world was caving in around him. He wanted to change back, he needed to feel human again, to be able to make sense of his emotions, rather than this jumbled mess of feelings he was currently experiencing as the stag.

Ok. How was he supposed to do this? You had to visualize your human form right? Stop panicking and just think. It was easy in theory but reality was a whole different thing. His mind was racing.

Regulus looked up at him and the cat’s green eyes blinked once, slow and calm. At this moment, James hated him for being so put together. The cat even yawned, like this was just another regular Monday.

Ok. Ok, James could do this. Just breathe. In and out, slowly. He tried, focusing on nothing but inhaling and exhaling. It was fine, there was nothing wrong.

Slowly, he calmed down. The vibrations of the cat purring against his chest helped immensely, providing something else to think about, rather than how stifling this tower was, and how he might get stuck as a massive stag….. No. He wasn’t thinking about that right now. Breathing was the only thing to exist in this moment. Focus on that.

It took another ten minutes for James to calm down enough to attempt changing back again. At least he thought it was ten minutes, time was hard as a stag. Regulus had fallen asleep, his eyes closed, breathing very lightly.

Ok one more try. Visualize your human form. Done. Focus really hard on it and how it feels to be human.James could do that. He had never focused harder in his life, but before long he felt his body warp. It was more comfortable this time, almost like slipping into a warm bath, nothing like before.

“Oh, thank god,” James breathed a sigh of relief, the cat jumped off his chest instantly, glaring back at him.

The tower wasn’t so pressing anymore, now that he wasn’t six feet tall. James closed his eyes and sat still for a moment, catching his breath and letting the last fragments of anxiety flow from his body.

“You alright?” The voice came from the opposite side of the room, tentative and curious.

“Yeah…..just, fuck that was a lot.” James opened his eyes to see Regulus sitting in a dark corner. He looked thoroughly unphased. “Thanks…. For helping.”

“Don’t mention it,” Regulus snapped back, in a way that sounded more literal, like he was genuinely telling James to never bring it up again. Understandable, James himself didn't know what to make of it either.

“So, a stag.” The room was still dark so James couldn’t really see Regulus’s face but from the sound of his voice, he was slightly curious.

“Yeah. Pretty cool, right?”

“Hm,” Came the non-committal response.

“Guess Pandora was right then, you make a good cat.”

Regulus ignored him. Instead, rising to his feet and snatching up his wand. He crossed the room in two seconds and shoved it up into James' neck.

“I fucking mean it. You don’t mention this again. Ever.”

James nodded. He hadn’t planned on bringing it up to anyone. It was just another thing to add to the list of things that he and Regulus never talked about. There were lots of those at the moment.

“I wasn’t going to,” James replied honestly.

“Good.”

Then he retreated, pulling the wand out of James' neck and slipping down the trapdoor, leaving James alone in the tower, the only sound being the pounding of rain against the glass.

————

Regulus’s heart was pounding. He didn’t want to go back to the dorm and risk running into Evan or Barty.

His mind was racing with the events of the last hour. Changing into the animagus hadn’t been as hard as Regulus thought. It felt like coming home, like finally returning to somewhere you were always meant to be. He loved it. For once he felt perfectly at home in his body.

And then…. James.

He still didn’t know what to make of that. He had just seen the panic in the stag's eyes and felt the need to help. Regulus had read somewhere that the frequencies at which cats purr is a calming sound. It had just felt right at the moment, and James HAD calmed down. Now, though, he felt like he was going to puke. A mixture of intense fear and shame was knotted in his stomach and he didn't know what to do with it.

They were animals, it wasn’t the same as if they were cuddled up as humans. Right? Regulus tried to justify his actions. It was perfectly normal, nothing weird about it at all. So why did it feel so…..odd? Regulus pushed the thoughts away with great effort. Fucking James Potter. Absolutely everything involving him had to be complicated.

He longed to slip back into the skin of the cat. He didn't want to think anymore, and everything was simpler in his animagus form. His emotions weren’t so complex and it was so damn quiet. No racing thoughts or confusing situations. Just blissful peace.

Instead of doing that, he quickened his pace. Maybe Pandora would still be awake, it was only an hour or two after dinner. He just wanted some normalcy right now, to not think, and if he couldn’t spend the rest of a night as a cat, Pandora was the closest to normal he was going to get.

The hospital wing was quiet. Madam Pomfrey was nowhere to be found, so Regulus crept to the back bed, quietly taking a seat next to Pandora’s sleeping figure. Of course she was sleeping, Regulus should have known.

She had been doing so much better in the last week. She was set to go back to Ravenclaw the next day, providing she met with Madam Pomfrey once a week to make sure it didn’t get too overwhelming for her again. She had agreed, of course, having no other choice, but Regulus knew she was stressed. Especially about her scars and what the other students would say. Regulus had found a solution for that, it only took an hour in the library. A simple glamour spell, he had already taught it to her yesterday afternoon.

And Regulus was going to keep an eye on her. He wouldn’t let her get bad again, he had promised.

“Pandora?” His voice cut through the silence.

Instantly her eyes shot open, frantically scanning the room before meeting him. “What’s wrong?” She sat up in bed, hands flying up to her face.

“Nothing! It’s ok, I just wanted to talk,” Regulus whispered, leaning forwards.

“Oh, fuck. You scared me,” she replied.

“Sorry.”

“What’s up?”

It made Regulus happy to hear her voice like that again. So casual and light, like they were back in the greenhouses, just chatting.

“I did it. The animagus. You were right, I’m a cat,” he told her, letting the full weight of what had just happened hit him. It was an incredible feeling, once he compartmentalized away the shame of snuggling up to James stag.

Pandora smiled, a wide, exhilarating kind of smile. “You have to show me!”

Regulus didn’t know if he could do it again so easily but he tried anyway. The hospital wing fell silent and Regulus focused on the rain pattering against the windows, thinking of his cat form and how wonderful and right it had felt.

Nothing happened.

He focused harder, pressing his eyes closed and really, really trying. He felt the floor shift under him and when he opened his eyes again, the floor was only inches below him. Yes!

Regulus looked up and saw Pandora leaning over the side of her bed, face lit up in awe. He spun in a quick circle before trying to change back.

It was easier now, but he didn’t have an issue changing back the first time either. The cat's mind was so damn quiet, there was nothing pulling his attention away.

Soon, he was sitting back down, listening to Pandora gush about how cool it was. Regulus smiled slightly. It was pretty cool.

When at last she finished, Regulus nodded.

“Ok. I have to go now. You’re gonna be ok?” This was their usual goodbye now, Regulus reassuring she was going to be fine on her own and Pandora rolling her eyes like she didn’t need to be checked on.

She nodded, still smiling.

“Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow then. We have some serious work to do for Professor Sprout.”

“Goodnight, Reg.”

Regulus sighed. He fucking hated nicknames, but he let it slide, Pandora was probably the only person who could ever get away with it and she knew it.

“‘Night Pandora.”

Chapter Text

Monday, November 10

Sirius wasn’t back yet when James returned to the common room. Peter was sitting on the couch with Remus, fidgeting and looking overall like he was about to burst out of his skin. There were still a few students dotted around the room, so James slid into the chair across from his friends and waited.

He so desperately wanted to talk about it, but they couldn’t take the risk. Instead, he caught Peter’s eye and smiled widely before relaxing back into the soft cushion. He couldn’t wait for Sirius to return; the energy in the room was bursting, and it took everything in James' power to sit still.

When at last Sirius did return, after the common room had slowly dwindled to only two students left apart from the trio of friends, he was practically shaking with excitement.

“Upstairs,” He called out, not even bothering to stop or slow down as he ran up the steps.

James heard Remus breathe a huge sigh of relief before getting up to follow. He did the same.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind the four boys, they all started talking at once. It was chaos.

“James! What did you get?” Sirius called, eyes wide.

“Peter, what did-“

“Remus, we can do it next weekend, the full mo-“

“It was bloody amazing-”

All four of them were moving a mile a minute, chattering excitedly, and filling the air with words that no one could decipher.

Sirius hopped onto one of the beds, silencing the room and ignoring Remus’s grimace at his shoes being on the linen. “Alright, mates, why don’t we all show each other!”

Peter nodded, closing his eyes to focus.

James looked around nervously, catching Remus’s eye. They held eye contact for a moment, Remus providing a calming anchor for James. It would be fine this time, he told himself. Nothing was harder than the first. And he had managed to change back from that anyway, so there was nothing to worry about.

“Three…two….one!” Remus called, giving James an encouraging smile.

James pressed his eyes closed and willed the stag to come out. It did. When he opened them, he found himself looking at a large black dog, a small grey rat, and Remus, laughing his ass off.

“Oh…fuck…. Peter…. You’re a freaking rat!” Remus choked out, slapping the floor.

Peter changed back and glared. “I didn’t get to choose!”

James snorted, bowing his head to keep his antlers from scraping the ceiling.

Ok. Now the hard part, changing back.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t hard at all this time. He just focused on being human again, and he suddenly was.

“JAMES, YOU'RE A MOOSE!” Sirius (human form), leapt onto the floor, shaking James violently.

“YOU’RE A DOG!” James called back, ignoring the fact that Sirius had just referred to him a freaking moose and returning the same energy.

“WICKED!”

They were all jumping around now, apart from Peter, who seemed a little put off by the reaction to his animagus.

“Oh, Peter, don’t be like that. A rat is… a fine animal!” Sirius called out, though James could tell he was trying HARD to hold back his laughter.

“A rat…….” The boy moaned, falling back to the floor. “I could have been something cool, like a hawk.”

“Yeah, you should probably avoid hawks from now on, though,” Remus chimed in, setting off another round of chortles.

“James, oh, fuck, it’s bloody brilliant. I can smell everything as a dog. It’s like being in another world!” Sirius sat down now, patting the floor next to him as he rifled through his robes for a pack of cigarettes.

“I know! The first change was incredible! OH, WE HAVE TO GO TO THE FOREST AND TRY IT OUT THERE! My stag is too big for indoors!” James responded, waving his hand to dissipate the smoke from Sirius’s mouth.

“Tomorrow night?” Remus asked.

Shit. Tomorrow was Tuesday. As much as James longed to go, he couldn’t skip the lesson with Regulus. There was too much to talk about. James was done letting these things slide. He was going to body block Regulus in that tower if needed.

Peter slid in, providing an excellent excuse. “Nah, I’ve got detention tomorrow night.”

All three of them whipped their heads around to stare. Peter wasn’t the type to get detention. Ever. He had been so torn up over the detention they had all received on Halloween that James had almost stepped in and served it himself, if only to stop the whining.

“What the hell for?”

Peter looked around nervously. “Uh….. stealing Professor Binns' lesson plans. McGonagall caught me on the way out.”

It was so out of character that James let out a nervous laugh. “Jesus, mate, what the hell for?”

“Yeah, and why didn’t you tell us?” Sirius added, eyeing Peter suspiciously.

“Marlene dared me to. Said I wouldn’t, so I had to prove her wrong.” Peter puffed his chest up.

James and Sirius fell into hysterics.

“I take it back, Petey. You’re a menace!” Sirius shoved his cigarette into Remus’s hands and held up his own in mock surrender.

Remus smiled, taking a drag before handing it back. “Wednesday, then?” He suggested.

“Wednesday it is,” James announced, glad Peter had come up with the excuse.

“And then,” Sirius added, “The full moon this weekend, for the real test.”

They all looked to Remus, waiting for his approval.

Remus leaned forward, pulling the cig from Sirius’s fingers. “Ok.”

“Yeah!” The dorm erupted into cheers. James clapped Remus on the back, causing him to cough on the smoke.

“Saturday night then, Petey can calm the willow tree as a rat, so all we have to do is slip in behind Madam Pomfrey before she locks you in.”

Remus nodded, looking a bit green.

“Cheer up, Moony, it’ll be great.”

James smiled, leaning his head back on the bed. Saturday would be great, but the forest….. James couldn’t wait for that.

—-------

Tuesday, November 11

“One single eye of newt…..” Slughorn bellowed from his seat at the head of the class, “three counterclockwise stirs.”

“If he doesn’t hurry up, we’re going to be here all day,” Barty muttered, waving his wand to stir the potion.

“And now, we let it rest for a full 24 hours.”

“Finally.” Barty dropped his wand, leaning back in his seat and letting out an obnoxious yawn.

Regulus smirked. The potion they were brewing was a rather complicated one, but Slughorn acted like they were all going to die if the tiniest thing went wrong, so the normally hour-long class had been drawn out an extra hour and Regulus wasn’t the only one going stir crazy.

At least four students had fallen asleep in the time that it had taken Slughorn to set the instructions up and go over the safety protocols. Evan and Barty had taken great pleasure in dropping a stack of books to jerk them awake, Regulus would have found it much more amusing if he hadn’t been seconds away from drifting off himself.

He swore whatever teacher had made the schedule that put them in double potions bright and early on Tuesday mornings was a sadist.

“You are all dismissed.” Slughorn waved them off before getting up from his chair to circle the room and peer into various cauldrons.

“You seen Pandora today?” Regulus questioned, as Barty sighed dramatically and Evan tossed various ingredients and books into his bag.

“Yeah, she ate with us at breakfast.”

Regulus had skipped that, sleeping in instead. Turns out that sleeping in cat form was possibly the greatest thing to ever happen to Regulus. It was only when Barty lobbed a shoe at him that smacked the drawn curtains, startling Regulus out of his slumber, that he had finally changed back and rushed to get to class. He hadn’t told his roommates about the completed animagus stuff yet, just went right to sleep last night instead.

Then it was potions all morning, which did nothing to drive the tiredness from Regulus’s body. He needed the greenhouse and Pandora.

It was her first day back in classes after being let out of the hospital wing this morning.

The great hall was crowded, as usual, but Regulus spotted Pandora sitting beside Dorcas at the Ravenclaw table. He nodded a farewell at Evan and Barty and went to slide in beside her. Pandora had done her glamour, he noticed, due to the lack of silver scars surrounding her eyes.

“So, greenhouse this afternoon?” He asked, pulling a slice of toast from a silver platter.

Pandora broke into a wide smile. “Absolutely.”

“Good. I’m about to blow my brains out after potions with Slughorn this morning.”

Dorcas frowned and turned away, starting up a conversation with a tall brunette boy seated beside her.

“What’s your classes for today then?”

“Oh. I think I actually have potions. I’m not too sure….what day is it?”

“Tuesday.” He took a bite of his toast and chewed for a moment.

“Potions then.” Pandora nodded.

“Ok.”

Regulus looked around the hall, scanning the crowd. He saw James with his usual posse, laughing and being his usual obnoxious self, along with Sirius.

Fucking Sirius. Regulus liked not thinking about his brother. It was too complicated, and he had nothing good to say. Except…. There was a lot of good to say. He missed him, and he hated him, and he just wanted him to come home again. But that wasn’t going to happen, seeing as Sirius currently hated him and wanted nothing to do with the Black family.

Just for a brief moment, Regulus allowed himself to think about the past. About how Sirius would read to him as a child when Kreacher was stuck in the kitchens and Regulus couldn’t sleep. How Sirius would sneak him candies after dark and send letters every week for the whole first year of Hogwarts, sticking something interesting he had found to the back of the parchment and telling him how much he missed his little brother.

Regulus still had all those letters in a box under his bed. Everything had been so simple. Regulus could compartmentalize the Sirius in the letters and the Sirius that his mother raged about. They hadn’t been the same. Regulus knew his brother then. They had been close.

And then Regulus was sent to Hogwarts and sorted into Slytherin, and everything changed. His parents placed him on a pedestal, and Regulus allowed it. Hadn’t that been what he had always wanted anyways? To be the favourite. He knew damn well he could do it better, that he had always been better than Sirius. More behaved, more proper. But Sirius was the eldest, so Regulus had always been the second choice.

Even now. With everything that had happened, he was still first in line. The righteous family of Black STILL held out hope that Sirius would return. Always in second, never in first. And Regulus hated him for it…. But he loved him at the same time. And, after everything, Regulus couldn’t choose between his family or Sirius. Between being the best, being the first choice, or being loved. He couldn’t have it all; he never could.

“Hey. This isn’t your table. Get out of here.” A hand landed on Regulus’s shoulder, snapping him out of his head. Regulus looked up to see the assailant, an older boy he had never met before. The same one Dorcas had just been talking to.

“No,” He shot back, not even looking up.

“Go back to Slytherin, Black.” The boy spat.

Without thinking, Regulus stood up and shoved the person away, sending them to the floor. “Fuck off.”

Pandora gasped, hands flying to her face. Everyone around the table was staring now. Regulus didn’t give a shit.

The boy climbed to his feet, getting in Regulus’s face. “You disgust me. All you fucking Slytherins with your superiority complexes, thinking you can go wherever you want,” he spat, face contorted in veiled rage.

Regulus looked around calmly before standing up and whipping his wand out. “Silencio.”

Regulus smiled. That particular spell was a twist on the regular version; the normal counter-curse wouldn’t work. The boy opened and closed his mouth, balling up his fists like he was going to throw a punch. Of fucking course. He was a muggleborn. No self-respecting pureblood would ever resort to fists. Such a revolting, primeval method.

“Be disgusted in silence then, mudblood,” Regulus muttered, snatching his toast from the table and stalking off, ignoring the looks of hatred shooting from all across the hall now.

He shot one last look at Pandora before leaving. Dorcas had turned back and was muttering to her now, so Regulus didn’t feel the least bit sorry about leaving her.

“Bloody hell. What was that about?” Barty’s voice sounded from behind him, a little out of breath.

“Some fucking Ravenclaw trying to start shit.” Regulus shrugged and took another bite of his toast.

“Saw you end it rather effectively,” Barty clapped his shoulder, “wonder how long it’ll take him to figure out the counter-curse?”

“Considering his blood status, I’ll bet more than a day.”

Barty laughed. “Good.”

“Where’s Evan?” Regulus looked around the hallway. It wasn’t often you found Barty without Evan or vice versa.

“Stayed behind to check on Pandora. Might want to stave off the homicidal feelings around his sister a bit, mate.”

“Hm.” Regulus didn’t really give a shit, the other boy had started it. It wasn’t like he was looking for a fight. Besides, Pandora wasn’t some fragile thing. She may have been a week ago, but Regulus hated that they were still treating her like she was off her rocker. She deserved more credit than that.

“I’m going to the dorm.” Regulus left Barty in the hallway and stalked back down to the dungeons. He just wanted to be alone.

He wanted his brother.

————

Sirius wanted to celebrate. All day he had complained that they should have a proper celebration for their achievement. James didn’t disagree, it was quite an accomplishment.

They had decided upon Friday night, before the full moon. Just a small celebration for Gryffindor; they could play it off as just an impromptu gathering. They had thrown a few of those in the past so it wasn’t completely unheard of.

So, Tuesday, before dinner, Sirius and James took a trip under the invisibility cloak down to the hide passageway to nick some snacks from Honeydukes.

As soon as the stone closed behind them, James pulled the cloak off. “Bet Moony’s pissed he didn’t get to come.”

Sirius laughed, running a hand through his hair. It was getting longer and longer. James didn’t blame him. It was physical proof that he was finally free of his family. And it suited him; the unruly hair matched him perfectly.

“Yeah, he’s given me a list and threatened to hex me if I didn’t come back with everything on it.”

Sirius produced a small piece of parchment from his pocket and handed it over. Sure enough, it was filled with Remus’s cramped handwriting.

“Lumos…..Bloody hell, we’re going to clean them out with this! ” James smiled, handing the parchment back and holding his wand out to light the way.

“Let’s send him and Peter next time.”

“Nah, I like the walk. Besides, we’ve been severely lacking in our pranks this year. This reminds me that not all of us have given up our past.”

“Yeah, well, now that the animagus stuff is over, we can divert that brain power to what really matters.” Sirius rummaged around in his cloak for a moment before producing his crumpled pack of cigarettes.

“Really?” James complained, “You’re going to die by 20. And where the hell are you even getting those? We’ve been at Hogwarts for two months, you couldn’t possibly have brought that many with you, considering how fast you and Remus go through them.”

Sirius waved off his concerns, lighting the roll with the tip of his wand and exhaling. “Tilly Berkus sells them.”

“The Hufflepuff?”

“Yeah.”

“Where is she getting them?”

“Fuck, I don’t know, never asked.”

James snorted. That was Sirius for you, never asking any questions. “Figures.”

“Hey!” Sirius sounded indignant. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing!” James snorted, “Just that you’re, uhhh, how shall I put it…..not very detail oriented.”

Sirius exhaled and let out a sharp barking laugh. “Fuck you!”

“You adore me. Hey, I’ve been thinking, we should do something for Peter.”

Sirius frowned. “Peter, why?”

“I dunno, he just seemed a bit put out by finding out his animagus was a rat. I mean….. a rat? That kinda sucks.”

“Yeah,” Sirius laughed, “and the bloody fool went on and on about how he was going to get the coolest one out of all of us!”

“It’s not horrible!” James tried to defend him, to no avail. He would also feel quite put out if he had gone through all the effort for the transformation just to find himself changed into a rat.

“Nah, suppose he could’ve gotten a flobberworm or something like that….. though the way he goes on about it, you would think he had gotten a flobberworm.”

“Which is exactly why we should do something nice for him!”

“Yeah, let’s find him a nice chocolate rat. ‘Here Petey, to help you accept your true self’” Sirius cracked up at his own joke.

James smiled. “Poor Peter.”

They reached the end of the passage and listened at the door for a moment, ensuring the coast was clear before dropping the cloak and darting out. They had to be fast, and the cloak would weigh them down.

“Here,” James called, tossing one of the small burlap sacks he had brought over to Sirius.

The other boy snatched it up, and they proceeded in silence, pilfering through the stacks of crates to collect everything on the list. It was a well-honed heist, one they did often ever since Remus had found the passage early in the second year.

They never cleaned them out, taking just enough to not arouse suspicion and shuffling things around to throw the owners off their scent. So far, it had worked like a charm.

During the heist, James happened upon a case of mice pops. He chuckled to himself as he loaded a handful into the bag. They weren’t rats, but they were close enough.

When the bags were full and the list was checked, Sirius slipped back into the passage, letting James close the way behind them.

“Good haul,” he commented, once they were surrounded by darkness again.

“Yeah, Moony’ll be thrilled.”

“Snatched a little something for Peter too,” James continued, rifling through the bags to produce a mouse pop.

Sirius took one look at it and laughed, “Perfect.”

“Ah, fuck I can’t wait until the full moon.” It was the complete truth; James had been thinking about it all day. They were finally, finally able to help Remus out during the full moons; they could make sure he didn’t hurt himself anymore.

“Yeah, it should be great.”

James frowned. Sirius didn’t sound nearly as excited as he had been the night before. “What’s wrong?”

“Hmm? Oh, nothing.”

“Convincing.”

“I dunno,” Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you get the sense that Remus is mad at me for something?”

Shit. He had noticed that too? James had been trying to cover for Remus, even though he didn’t know what the problem was.

“Yeah … maybe a bit. Why? What did you do?”

“No idea, he’s been avoiding me since like…. Halloween? Fuck… I don’t remember much of that night. Did I do something?”

He looked so distraught, it pulled on James' heartstrings a bit. “Nah, I remember the whole night; you were busy snogging Mary for half of it.”

Sirius let out a sigh of relief. “I dunno what his issue is then.”

“Maybe he’s just busy?” James tried.

“Nah, we’re all busy. This feels…personal.”

James had to agree with that. “Sorry.”

“S’ok. Maybe he just needs time.”

James nodded, though personally, he got the sense that time wouldn’t fix anything.

—---------

True to her word, Pandora met Regulus in the greenhouse shortly after classes let out. Dorcas had walked her there, stopping at the door to hug her friend goodbye, though not without shooting a dirty look at Regulus.

“Why’s she pissy with me?” He questioned, shutting the door as Pandora stepped in.

“Well, that was her boyfriend you assaulted earlier. He still can’t speak by the way.” Pandora slung her book bag to the ground and inhaled deeply. “I missed it here.”

“Hm. He deserved it.” Regulus was actually quite proud that his spell was still causing the body trouble. He hoped it stuck till tomorrow and he had to go to classes without his voice.

“Maybe, but you didn’t have to call him a….mudblood,” Pandora whispered the word like they were discussing something illegal.

Regulus wasn’t phased. “If the shoe fits,” he muttered darkly.

“Regulus….” She sounded like a disapproving mother, he had to hide his smirk.

“Whatever, come help me with this.” He waved her concern off and turned to show her what he was working on.

Though he hated to admit it, this particular plant had been giving him quite a bit of trouble. It was hard to try and trim it with only one set of hands.

“Hm…. Venomous Tentacula.” Pandora said, in that familiar dreamy voice. She held a hand out and let the plant wrap a vine around her finger.

Regulus frowned. How was it that she could calm everything by simply being in its presence? Literally everything, animals, plants, people. He didn’t get it. The plant had been attacking him just moments before Pandora walked through the door and now it was gently playing with her finger.

Regulus whipped his wand out and began slicing sections away from the plant. The cut off vines would be used as potion ingredients, they were extremely valuable, due to the vicious nature of the plant. Venomous Tentaculas had a myriad of defence mechanisms, one of them being a dead venom.

But as long as Pandora was in the room, the plant was as docile as a kitten. The task that should have taken an hour, took less than two minutes and once they were done, Regulus put his wand away and sat on the floor.

Normally, he didn’t like getting his robes dirty. Sitting on the floor was for people of a lesser status, he was a Black and they were supposed to be prim and proper all the time. Today, he couldn’t care less. He just wanted a minute to catch his breath.

“So how were your classes today?” He asked, once Pandora had settled down next to him.

“Oh, they were fine. Lucy Serkind turned a teapot into a rattlesnake and it bit her partner. She had to go to the hospital wing.”

Not exactly what he was asking, but ok.

“…..”

“Are you alright, Regulus?”

The question caught him off guard. He was fine. There was absolutely nothing wrong. Today was just a weird day. He was just in a mood. Just in an odd mental place currently. Maybe…….no, it was just today.

“Yeah. Why?” He looked up, brushing hair out of his face. Pandora's blue eyes were piercing into his, like she was trying to read his soul. It was unnerving. He looked away.

“You seem off. Angry,” she supplied helpfully.

“I’m not.”

“Hmm. Ok.”

And she left it at that, slumping down a little to lean her head on Regulus’s shoulder. He hated when she did that. She was the only person he wouldn’t actively shove away but still, the physical contact made him uneasy. It was strangling in a way. Overwhelming and unwanted.

Regulus waited two stiff minutes before extracting himself and rising.

“Come on, let’s finish those two tables then get to dinner.”

Professor Sprout kept a large stock of non-magical plants in her greenhouses and from time to time, he and Pandora were tasked with weeding and trimming them. It was boring, tedious work, but Regulus would rather that than sit with Pandora touching him.

They worked in silence, with Pandora humming quietly to herself.

————

Chapter Text

Tuesday, November 11

Dinner that night was a quiet affair. At least it was, until James produced the mice pops. Mary and Marlene had taken to joining them every night, what with Mary dating Sirius, and Marlene always trudged along behind her, somewhat unwillingly.

It was fine, as James actually really liked Marlene. She was loud, outspoken and a bit crazy, but he had always been drawn to those kinds of people. There was a reason Sirius was his best friend after all.

Mary was practically sitting on Sirius’s lap, chattering amicably to Peter about how she had gone on a trip to Spain during the summer. His attitude had improved slightly from the previous day, but James could see he was still a bit miffed about his animagus transformation.

“Oi, Evans!” James stood up, bumping his knees on the table in the process. It wasn’t often he saw Lily sitting by herself, as she currently was.

Her long red hair was falling in waves over her face. She tossed it back and looked up, a hint of disdain creeping onto her face once she recognized exactly who had just called her name. Still, she picked her plate up and took a seat next to him.

“What?” she asked in a flat tone.

“Nothing, you just looked lonely over there,” James said cheerily.

“Yeah, real lonely,” Sirius chimed in with a knowing wink at James.

James rolled his eyes. Sirius was always on about her and him, ever since third year when he had asked her out. She had declined, of course, but somehow that solidified her as ‘the one that got away’ in Sirius’s eyes.

Maybe he had been smitten with her once, but those days were long over. They were just casual friends now. Perhaps not even that, since James had only spoken to her once this year, and it hadn’t been a very nice conversation. Lily spent most of her time with Snape, Jame’s one true enemy, so their social circles didn’t overlap much.

“Where’s your friend, Lily?” Mary asked, not at all in a mean way.

If James or Sirius had asked that question, they probably would have gotten a bowl of mashed potatoes dumped over their head, but Lily just smiled at Mary. “He’s in detention.”

Sirius snickered into Mary's hair and quickly looked away when Lily fixed him with a withering glare.

“That’s too bad….” Mary replied, truly sympathetic. Apparently Sirius’s hatred towards Snape hadn’t rubbed off on her yet. Rather unfortunate, that. The more people that disliked Snape, the better, in James' opinion.

“Mary was just telling us about her trip to Spain,” Peter chimed in wistfully. “I would love to go to Spain.”

“Yeah, it was nice….. oooooooh Lily, are you a prefect?!” Mary squealed, her eye catching the light glinting off of the shiny new pin sported on her robes. She leaned forward and almost fell off of Sirius, who subconsciously reached out a hand to steady her.

“Oh, yeah.” Lily waved her hand as if to brush off the question.

James smiled, for some reason feeling an inkling of pride towards the girl. “Let’s see then.”

She looked at him suspiciously before shrugging and pulling the shiny new pin from her robes, handing it over.

It was lighter than James had expected, polished and silver. It filled James with a hint of jealousy. He had half expected to get that letter the previous summer, but it never came. Sirius had mocked him about it relentlessly.

“Careful, Lily, James might try and nick that off you.” Sirius chortled.

James frowned, flicking a pea at him. It missed, landing in Mary’s hair instead, though she didn’t notice, much to Jame’s amusement.

“Oh, were you hoping to be a prefect then?” Lily asked, turning her attention back to James.

“Maybe a bit. But honestly I’m not too surprised you got it instead.”

She nodded. “Yeah, you might need a bit of a reputation boost in that department.”

“Whaaaaaaat, me? I’m as innocent as an angel!” James feigned offence and Lily giggled.

“I never got to tell you, but I really liked your stunt at Halloween. Slughorn made a beautiful pumpkin.”

Sirius gawked at her, “A compliment? From Lily Evans? The world must be ending.”

“Hey! I compliment people when they deserve it.”

“You’ve never complimented me…” he muttered.

“Previous comment still stands.” Lily smirked, popping a forkful of potatoes into her mouth.

“You hearing this, James?” Sirius asked, incredulous.

“Mmmhmm. I think Lily said it very well,” James backed her up.

Mary giggled and held a hand out. “I wanna see the badge.”

James handed it over and returned to his dinner. Mary twisted the silver around, holding it up to the light and admiring it. “Honestly, I’m surprised Remus wasn’t made a prefect. He’s by far the most responsible out of all of you.”

At the sound of his name, Remus looked up from his book. “Huh?”

“A prefect. It would suit you.” Mary laughed again and leaned forward in an attempt to press the silver against him. Remus seemed to get it then, Remus jumped suddenly, starting backwards frantically just as Sirius reached forward and knocked the badge out of Mary's hand and into a bowl of carrots.

“Ooops, sorry Mary.” Sirius blurted out with wide eyes, his apology falling oddly flat.

James leaned forwards, slightly confused at the altercation, plucking the pin out of the bowl and wiping it on his robes before handing it back to Lily. It was as she was pinning it back onto her chest that James understood what had just happened. The badge was silver. “Yeah. Definitely belongs with you.” He added, breathing a sigh of relief.

A quick glance at Remus told him it was fine, just a close call.

“What are you reading, Remus?” Marlene asked. James was grateful for the subject change.

Remus flicked his book up, showing the title.

“Marvin Montagues Guide to Dark Creatures' ... .Is it for school?”

Remus shook his head. “Nah, more a personal project.”

“Oh, cool.”

At that moment, Dumbledore clapped his hands from the head table. The food disappeared and was replaced with various desserts instead. Peter leaned forward to grab a slice of treacle tart and James found his opportunity.

“Oh, Petey, wait that reminds me, me and Sirius got you something on our mission today!” James told him gleefully, rummaging in his robes. “Just one sec…”

Sirius caught his eye and tried hard to suppress a smile. Remus leaned forward, curious.

James pulled his hand back, producing a fist full of mouse pops. “To make you feel better about your ah… rodent problem!”

Peter stared back, unimpressed while Remus and Sirius roared with laughter.

“Peter, you have a mouse problem?” Mary asked, her voice full of concern.

“Yeah…. A great big rat has taken up residence in our dorm!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Oh, bugger off!” Peter replied, though his eyes were sparkling with humour. He leaned forwards and snatched a lime green mouse, wriggling under the wrapper. “I’m gonna set these mice off in your beds.”

“Petey,… you wound me,” Sirius clutched his heart with mock hurt.

“Maybe the rat will make friends with them,” Remus chimed in, smiling.

“I hate all of you.” Peter got up, snatching the other mice pops from James hand and stalking away.

“Nooooooo Petey don’t leave us. The rat might get you if you go alone!” Remus called to the boy’s retreating back, emitting a rude gesture from Peter as he left.

The three boys collapsed into giggles, much to the confusion of the girls.

“I don’t get it. Shouldn’t you go to McGonagall if you have a rat problem?” Mary asked, her eyes wide.

“Nah, Peter’s got it under control.” Sirius caught James' eye.

Marlene rolled her eyes while Lily sighed, and Mary looked around helplessly.

They all walked back to the Gryffindor common room together, settling into chairs by the fire and finding something to occupy their time with.Mary, Lily and Marlene tucked into a game of cards while Remus attempted to curl back into his book. Sirius had decided to pass his time by practicing his hover charms and was using Remus’s head as the landing target for his floating pillows. Remus seemed like he couldn’t decide whether to continue reading his book or throw it at Sirius to prove a point.

James looked around at his friends fondly, taking in the scene for a moment before climbing up the steps into their dorm. His cloak was where he left it, folded neatly at the foot of his bed. The map, however, was nowhere to be found, and as it was vitally important to avoid attention, James felt a rising wave of panic as the moments slipped by and he couldn’t locate it.

He started pulling the room apart, checking Peter, then Remus, then Sirius’s bed. Sirius's bed was a mess as usual, empty Honeydukes wrappers strewn about, his sheets were wrinkled and half on the floor, and his bedside table was a clutter of spare parchment, open inkwells and more wrappers.

He still couldn’t find it. Finally, admitting defeat, he went to check with the sources.

“Did you hear that Ernie Kippling still can’t speak?” Mary was saying as she slapped a card down.

“Hmm, wonder what spell that was,” Marlene commented, sounding more interested in the magic than at the mental suffering of poor Ernie.

“Any of you lot have the map?” he interrupted as he reached the landing at the bottom of the stairs.

Remus shook his head and Sirius checked his pockets before denying the accusation. “Nah, sorry mate. Maybe Peter’s got it?”

Shit. Peter wasn’t in the dorm. Actually, James had no idea where he went after dinner, and James didn’t have the time to locate him. He would just need to hope and pray that Peter didn’t feel the need to check the map in the next two hours.

“Alright. I'll be back later,” James threw the cloak around his shoulders and stepped through the portrait, hearing Mary question where he was going as he did.

James didn’t bother replying. The more vague he left it, the better. Sirius usually assumed he was going to the library and James never corrected him.

————

Regulus paced the tower anxiously. This entire day he had been so high strung and he didn’t really understand where it was coming from.

He hadn’t even made up a lesson plan for James, something he usually had figured out days ahead of time.

The trapdoor flipped up and James' head popped through with an annoyingly cheerful smile that Regulus did not return.

“Hi!”

“Are you always this peppy?” Regulus deadpanned.

“Are you always this gloomy?” James shot back.

Offensive. Regulus didn’t think he was gloomy. “I’m not gloomy.”

“Please,” James flopped onto the cushion, staring up at the sky. “You’re the most depressing person I’ve ever met.”

Regulus bristled at that. “I am not.”

James let out a laugh. “Ok, sure.”

“Je vous méprise.” I despise you. Regulus sat down, pulling his wand out.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” James beamed at him.

“It wasn’t one.”

Muttering a spell under his breath, Regulus began to write in the air, simple French sentences written in gold for James to translate. James saw this and scooted over to sit next to him, their shoulders brushing for a brief moment before Regulus shrugged away. He was just winging it today, and he hoped that James couldn’t tell. He did have a reputation to uphold after all.

“Translate,” Regulus ordered.

So James did. Slowly, he worked through the phrases, and Regulus corrected his mistakes with a lazy flick of his wrist. When James had finished the first five sentences, Regulus waved a hand through them and dissipated the spell.

“You kinda suck at this. Did it take you a long time to learn how to spell in English?” It wasn’t really an insult, more of an observation, but James frowned at him, fixing the boy with an insulted glare.

“No. French is just stupid with the spelling of things,” he defended.

It was kind of true. Regulus shrugged. James was good at speaking French. He picked that up at an alarming rate; it was spelling and writing that was a weak point of his.

Regulus started writing again, harder sentences this time, with more complex words. When he was finished he set the wand down, leaning back to watch James work.

James muttered under his breath as he worked, sounding out the words and frowning when he couldn’t get it. Eventually, he got to the last sentence. Votre français est de mauvais goût, une honte.

James was stuck on distasteful. He repeated the word over and over, screwing up his face before flopping back. “I give up, what is it?”

“Your French is distasteful, a disgrace.” Regulus replied with a satisfied smirk.

“You don’t have to insult me, just explain what it means!”

“That is what it means.”

“Oh….” James trailed off. “ Why are you like this?”

“Hm,” Regulus made a sound like he was pondering that. He smiled. “Because I can be.”

“You’re a bully.”

“Ok.”

“Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Regulus looked at him with a guarded expression. “Maybe.”

“Why’d you hex that Ravenclaw today?”

Regulus tensed up a bit and leaned away. He didn’t want to get into this argument again. “He deserved it.”

“Why?”

“He was being….nosy.” Regulus was careful to steer clear of the insinuation that the Ravenclaw was a muggleborn. He knew better than to bring that up again, knowing James' view on it now.

“Yeah… but. Mary was saying that he still can’t speak. Isn’t it a bit cruel?”

Regulus almost laughed at the hypocrisy. “Seriously? I live in Slytherin, you think I don’t see what you and your little group do to Snape on a weekly basis?”

James rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, but that's different,” he replied meekly.

“Not really though,” Regulus pointed out.

“Well, Snape deserves it for being a slimy git-“

“And that Ravenclaw did too.”

“Ernie. His name was Ernie.”

That was news to Regulus. He never bothered learning names unless they were important people. James seemed to just know everyones name offhand.

“Listen, just trust me when I say he got what was coming to him. Now shut up and practice your French.”

James smiled and obeyed. “Yes, Professor Black.”

Regulus threw up another string of sentences, focusing on the grammar this time. James went to work decoding them and they fell into an easy silence, punctuated by James muttering and sighing.

Regulus ignored it, pulling his wand out to practice incendiary spells. He had just put out the tassel of a purple pillow for the third time when James turned to him again.

“Hey, what even was that spell? Since he still can’t speak, I assume it was a tweaked version?”

Regulus nodded. “Family secret, sorry.”

“Fine, I’ll ask Sirius.”

“You can’t,” Regulus said, with a hint of satisfaction. “If you ask him, he’ll know that you spoke to me and I told you it was a family spell.”

Watching the light go out of James' eyes was rather satisfying. “Whatever. It was a cool spell,” he muttered, “Would've liked to use it on Snape.”

“I would fix it for him if you did.”

James gasped with mock insult. “You have no loyalty!”

“Hm, never said I did. Besides, I have nothing against Snape. He’s a bit odd, but other than that he’s ok.”

“You would think that,” James replied, a hint of reproach in his voice.

“Yep.”

Regulus continued lighting pillows on fire and James went back to muttering.

“Ok,” James announced, leaning back with a proud expression, “I’m done.”

Regulus checked his work. It was mediocre; some of the sentences were structured wrong and had minor mistakes. He translated the French word ‘accuser’ into ‘ to accuse,’ which wasn’t technically wrong, but in the subject of the sentence, it should have been ‘to reveal’.

Regulus pointed this out to him and quickly fixed it with a wave. “So……what did the rest of your little group get for their animals?”

He didn’t care at all about what Peter got, but asking about only Sirius would betray that he was thinking about him, and that wasn’t something Regulus was ok with James knowing.

All the same, James eyed him suspiciously before his gaze softened a bit. “Sirius is a dog. A big black one.”

Yeah, that tracked. Of course he would be a big slobbering mess. He always had been rather chaotic. Regulus was the neat one. Even when they were children, Sirius had been content with making a disaster, never fussing when his clothes got torn or dirty, even if Regulus was losing his mind over being neat and tidy.

There had been one time when Regulus was seven. It was a rainy day, gloomy and dark. Regulus had been struggling over his French in the library with Kreacher when Sirius came bursting in, a whirlwind of energy and electricity and dragged Regulus outside with him. He had wanted to play in the puddles. The two of them spent the whole afternoon jumping around in the dirty street water, though it had taken a fair amount of convincing to get Regulus to join in. By the end of the day, they were sopping wet, covered in grime and exhausted but smiling ear to ear.

He smiled at the memory, purposefully blocking out the part that came afterwards, where Sirius was taken alone into the library and Regulus listened to his sobs through the door.

“And Peter is a rat,” James continued.

Regulus stifled a laugh at that. “A rat? Like a common street rat?” As far as animagus went, that had to be one of the worst.

“Yeah. He’s rather upset about it.”

“Understandable.”

James nodded. “So, how’s Pandora doing? I saw her in the hall today, so I assume she’s out of the hospital?”

“Oh…” Regulus frowned, “yeah, she’s back in classes.”

“Good. I like her.”

“You like everyone,” Regulus pointed out.

“Not EVERYONE. I don’t like Snape.”

“Fair enough.” Regulus wasn’t going to begrudge him this one person, despite the fact that James was probably the nicest person Regulus had ever met. He somehow knew everyone's name and at least one thing about them. Regulus didn’t even know the names of everyone in his year in Slytherin, and there were only about 30 of them.

He waved his wand and arranged a couple more sentences up in the air. James started on it as he was writing. When he was done, Regulus sat back and watched him for a moment, taking in the way he scrunched up his face while reading a particularly long word, or sighed when he realized he had gotten it wrong.

He loved observing people, and James was very observable. He wore his emotions on his sleeve all the time, giving away whatever he was feeling instantly. He wondered briefly how James would be at playing poker. Horrible, he concluded, after another minute of watching.

Finally he finished, turning to Regulus with a triumphant smile. They were better this time, though the same sentence structure mistakes persisted.

“You’re supposed to switch the words around,” Regulus pointed out, using his wand to rearrange the problems. “Like there,” he pointed to the bottom sentence, spelling out my parents live in the countryside, a small house. “It should have been, my parents live in the countryside in a small house.”

James nodded. “Confusing.”

“Not really.”

“You can’t talk, it took you years to learn this!” James exclaimed.

“Yeah, but I did learn it.”

Regulus had him beat there. He erased the words and yawned, looking out at the stars as he did. “Full moon this weekend,” he commented.

“Yeah. We’re going with Remus this time.”

“What?” Regulus sat up. “That’s a horrible idea. There’s no proof that werewolves can’t sense the difference between animals and animagus. What if he kills one of you?”

James waved his concerns off. “It’ll be fine.”

“Or it won’t be and you get seriously hurt! Have any of you thought this through?”

James stared back with big brown eyes. “Well, yeah. It was the whole reason we did the animagus thing to begin with.”

Regulus didn’t know that. Truthfully he hadn’t given it any thought, just chalked it up to an elaborate prank. One that could benefit him. “Oooook,” he said slowly, “well….just try not to die then?”

“Try not to die?” James broke out into a toothy grin. “Wonderful advice, really top tier.”

“Piss off.”

The night had come to a close, James was still grinning as he got up and retrieved his cloak. “Goodnight Regulus….. hey what’s your middle name?”

Regulus stared at him. Was he serious? “No.”

“Come on! Is it really bad?”

He shook his head. “I’m not telling you.”

“I’ll guess.”

“No you won’t.” Acrturus wasn’t really a name anyone would guess.

“I’ll ask Sirius then.”

“No you won’t,” Regulus repeated.

James sighed. “No I won’t….. I’m going to find out though.”

Regulus felt the corners of his mouth turn up. “Maybe.”

“Goodnight, Regulus….Billius Black.”

“Billius!?” He exclaimed, horrified.

James just shrugged and slipped down the ladder.

————

The Slytherin dorm was rather empty when Regulus returned. He spotted one of his roommates, Marcus, in a corner, head bent over an expanse of open textbooks.

He had just taken a seat on one of the couches and was watching the giant squid make its way lazily through the lake when the door to the common room burst open. Barty and Evan filed in, laughing loudly.

Evan caught Regulus’s eye and dragged Barty over. They took a seat on either side of him, making him feel rather trapped, but he shoved down the feelings of claustrophobia.

“Reggie……..” Evan started, looking down at him with puppy-dog eyes.

He already knew what they were going to ask. “No.” The last thing he wanted to do tomorrow was rush to Slughorn’s classroom between classes to bottle up their assignment. Since the potion they had made yesterday was going to be done tomorrow morning, someone would need to head down to the dungeons during break to bottle a sample for grading, and Regulus didn’t want to do it.

“Please…” Barty added, leaning in. Barty added, leaning in. “Me or Evan will just fuck it up.”

Regulus fixed him with a withering stare. “Scoop a teaspoon of the potion into a vial. You can’t possibly fuck it up. Anyways, I'm not doing it.”

“Told you he would say no,” Evan muttered.

“Shove it, we’ll convince him.” Barty reached behind Regulus and tapped Evan on the side of the head.

“No, you won’t.” Regulus got up and glared down at them one last time before stalking off to the dorm.

Of course, they followed, badgering him all the way up the stairs.

“Come on, please!!!!”

“No.”

“We’ll do it next time!”

A blatant lie. “No, you won’t.”

“Ok, fine, we won’t. Which is why you should do it.”

“Nope.”

“Oh, Evan, however are we going to convince the royal young Black to take pity on us peasants?”

Evan dropped to his knees in front of Regulus, holding his hands out in a begging motion. “Bread, Master Regulus, please……”

Regulus suppressed a smirk and shoved past into the dormitory.

​​It was a disaster, as usual. Well, half of it was. Marcus kept his quarter neat, and it went without saying that Regulus did the same. His clothes were always folded neatly, colour coordinated though he really only had shades of black and green. His bed was impeccably made. He had actually run back after potions this morning to make it, since he had left in a rush when he woke up.

The same could not be said for Barty and Evans half of the room. Their first year rooming together, Regulus had drawn a permanent line, splitting the room in half. They had honoured it ever since, and kept the disaster contained to their side, for fear of revenge.

Currently, there were all manner of clothes strewn about; at least three sets of robes, socks, ties. There was even a tie hanging from the ceiling light, which…how does that even happen? Both their trunks were open, spilling out textbooks and spare parchment. Barty’s beds table held an ashtray overflowing with cigarettes and a broken inkwell that had long since dried into the wood.

The sight of the room gave him an idea. He whirled around, facing his friends. “Ok. I have a proposition. You clean the room….fucking spotless, and I’ll bottle the potion tomorrow.”

Evan seemed to be pondering the idea, while Barty frowned. “That’s not a fair trade!” he whined.

“It’s the only trade you’re getting.” He turned back and began getting ready for bed.

As he made his way to the bathroom, he could hear them talking in hushed whispers. When he finally came out, Evan was waiting with his hand outstretched.

“We accept,” he replied with a bigger grin than Regulus was comfortable with. They were up to something.

“Ok…” Regulus shook his hand and got into bed. It was a problem for tomorrow. He drew the curtains and fixed them in place with a sticking charm. This morning had been too close. If that shoe Barty had thrown had been any more to the right, it would have sailed through the fabric and revealed his secret.

He cast a couple more spells to keep the noise out of his little bubble, then transformed into his cat form and circled the bed.

After a minute, he had scraped the blankets into the perfect cocoon. He settled into the middle of it and rested his head over his black tail, sighing and closing his eyes. Being a cat was such a cozy feeling, and he drifted off quickly.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, November 12

James was up early the next morning. Since the first game of the year was over, the Slytherin team had relaxed their training, moving to afternoons twice a week instead. This freed up the pitch for James to get back to his well loved schedule.

He had always been a morning person, even as a child. He loved watching the sunrise, loved the quiet hours before anyone else was awake, loved watching the dew evaporate in the sun rays as the morning grew brighter . It was peaceful and quiet and James absolutely adored it. In his eyes, there was nothing better than stepping out into a world covered in dew and sunshine, fresh and purged from anything that had happened the previous day.

So, when he tried to rouse Sirius to come practice with him, he wasn’t all that upset when Sirius told him rather rudely to shove off. Instead, he quietly finished getting dressed and trudged down to the pitch.

He spent over an hour watching the sun rise from his broom, running drills by himself in the quiet stillness of dawn.

When at last he called it quits, he was hungry and exhausted, but in a good way. He stashed his broom in the storage room under the stands and began the walk back to the castle.

Peter and Remus were sitting at their usual place for breakfast, Sirius was nowhere to be seen, but that wasn’t uncommon. He would sacrifice almost anything for a couple more minutes of sleep, and breakfast was no different. This just meant James would have to listen to him complain all morning. James simply couldn’t win. If he had woken Sirius up, he would complain about how tired he was, and if James let him sleep in, he would complain about how hungry he was.

On this particular morning, James decided to let him sleep, eating a nice and quiet breakfast with his two friends. Remus had his head in a book, to no one's surprise, and Peter kept yawning, almost nodding off into his eggs.

It was Wednesday, and James was positively buzzing with excitement for tonight. The forest. Just the thought of it elicited a little skip in his heartbeat.

Five minutes before breakfast was over, Sirius made an appearance, slumping his head over on the table and groaning in response to any questions directed his way. James smirked into his pumpkin juice and let him be.

He was still half asleep as Remus and Peter waved goodbye, heading outside to their Care of Magical Creatures lesson while James and Sirius walked upstairs to Ancient Runes. Sirius hated that class, but seeing as James was interested in it, he took it anyway, using it as a bargaining chip even though James had never asked him to take it.

Ancient Runes were fascinating to James. He genuinely enjoyed learning about cultures and languages, not even minding that he had to take notes for both him and Sirius. It wasn’t like Sirius was unable to, he just preferred to sleep through the class instead.

That was exactly what he did that day. He put his head down on the desk and closed his eyes, tuning the world out and snoring lightly.

Lily was in this class too, though she sat across the room with a tall brunette girl he didn’t know. James watched them for a second while he waited for Professor Haroldan to arrive. He was a tall man, with a long, bushy beard and a kind smile, and he always had a mug of tea clasped between his hands while he spoke.

James adored him, though today, class dragged on and he felt his attention being pulled from the lesson, his eyes wandering to the sunlight streaming in through the windows. It was much harder to keep his thoughts on decoding hieroglyphs when he knew that in less than eight hours he could be the stag again, prancing through the trees.

Sirius seemed to sense his agitation as well. Near the end of the lesson he finally lifted his head from the desk and frowned.

“Mate, you’re supposed to be taking notes. How are we going to pass if you’re daydreaming the lesson away? That’s my job.”

James started and turned back to his friend. “Oh……sorry.”

Sirius waved his hand dismissively, and put his head back down on the desk.“S’’all good.”

The rest of the class was quiet, most of the students scribbling on parchment as Professor Haroldan watched from his desk, sipping his tea and looking around occasionally.

James shook his head slightly and tried to refocus on what they were doing. They were supposed to be using the Advanced Rune Translation textbook to cross reference and translate the glyphs that Professor Haroldan had put up on the board, but James simply couldn’t focus. He tried half-heartedly until class was over , then shoved the parchment away. He would come back to it later when he wasn’t so distracted.

Their next class wasn’t in the greenhouse as it usually was. Herbology with Peter and Remus, it had been changed to a usually empty classroom, which meant they were in for an hour of theory with no practical, hand on work.

James sighed, slumping into the seat that Remus had saved for them and pulling out a fresh roll of parchment.

It was turning out to be a very long day.

————

Regulus spent his morning rushing to classes and cursing Barty and Evan. True to his word he went down to the dungeons between classes, no small feat considering the size of the castle and that his morning schedule was in two separate towers. Regardless, he went down, bottled up some of the potion, which was now a pale green colour and smelled of spearmint, just how it should. He took some pride in that, considering at least half the classes' potions weren’t even green.

After labeling the sample and putting it in the bin at the front of the classroom with all the other samples, he turned heel and began running up the steps to the Divination tower. He arrived only five minutes late, which wasn’t too bad all things considered.

Barty and Evan were already there, peering into teacups and predicting horrible fates loudly to each other while Professor Teptrum roamed the perfume room, sighing dramatically and clasping her wrinkled hands together. Regulus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. She was so fake.

“Hey, Evan, yours says that you’re gonna die young,” Barty exclaimed, shoving the small porcelain cup under Evan’s nose.

Evan laughed, pushing his hand away and flipping through an open textbook. “Wonderful.”

Regulus took the empty seat at the side of the table, plopping his book bag on the floor and swiftly pulling a teacup towards him. He was only a few minutes late so he busied himself with preparing the tea and drinking it while Evan and Barty continued their predictions.

The tea was bitter and grainy. Regulus choked down the taste, wishing he could add some sugar. When at last there were only the dregs left, he swirled it around and placed the cup in the centre of the table. “So, what’s my future?” he asked, leaning back and peering at Evans' textbook.

“Evan pulled the cup towards him and showed it to Barty. They shared a worried look before staring at him, grave expressions on their faces.

“Mate, I hate to tell you this but……you’re gonna contract an ugly case of dragon pox in about…….three days.”

Regulus stared back at them. “Very funny.” He snatched the cup out of Evan’s hand. “I’ll read it myself.”

The two broke into chuckles and continued predicting horrific futures for each other.

Regulus didn’t really believe in all this stuff anyways. Sure, he believed that prophecy was a thing. He had to, with Pandora as his best friend, but all the rest? It was just a load of nonsense. People trying to make sense of a future they had no control over.

Still, out of boredom, or mere curiosity he pulled Evan’s textbook towards him and started trying to decipher what his tea leaves had to say.

A whole lot of nothing, he found out. Most of the stuff was so generic it could apply to anything. Pain, suffering, something about an ocean, blah, blah, blah. No specifics or anything actually helpful. He put the cup down and looked around the room.

This particular tower had been decorated so heavily that it gave Regulus a headache. The smell of incense was so overpowering he swore it would cling to his robes for the whole day afterwards. Professor Teptrum was a frail old woman with a penchant for drama, and it showed in her choice of classroom. Thick linens hung from the walls, the windows were all covered, allowing the only light to come from candles placed upon every table. A very hazardous stylistic choice, Regulus thought.

He usually hated this class. It was a major waste of time. No self-respecting wizard would ever need to use Divination in their life. It certainly wasn’t something Regulus had ever found use for. After all, he had Pandora, the real thing. He didn’t need some hack wearing three oversized shawls to know what the future had in store for him.

By the time the class was over, Regulus’s head was pounding. When Professor Teptrum asked to see him after class in that high, scratchy voice, he had to physically stop himself from banging his head against the nearest chair. After narrowly avoiding detention for being late, he pushed down the steps, practically dying for some fresh air that didn’t reek of incense and smoke. Waving off his friends, he headed outside, taking a walk along the narrow bridge that led to Hogsmeade. He had just been planning to walk for a bit, clear his head, before heading to lunch.

Unfortunately, it would seem that Sirius had the same idea for some unknown reason. Maybe fate was a thing after all.

He rounded the corner and spotted his older brother in the middle of the empty bridge, his long black hair tumbling over his shoulders as he leaned into the railing and stared into the sky.

Regulus scowled and despite his better judgement, approached. “What are you doing here?”

Sirius jumped at the sound of his voice, locking eyes and narrowing them in suspicion. “Free country. Why are YOU here?”

“Fancied a walk. Professor Teptrum was choking me with her incense today.” Regulus shrugged and leaned against the railing beside his brother.

“Yeah, batty old woman she is.”

Regulus made a small sound of agreement. Sirius wasn’t being outright hostile to him, and he had even cracked a small smile. Progress was progress, right? And Regulus fucking missed him.

The bridge grew silent, a faint bird chirping in the distance.

“So, finally decided to speak to me again?” Sirius commented in a bitter voice.

Regulus bit his tongue, wanting to point out that Sirius was ignoring him as well.

“It rained the other day,” he started instead, “made me think about that time when we were kids and you made me come outside to jump in the puddles with you. Do you remember that?”

Sirius stared at him with an unreadable expression for a moment before sighing. “Yeah. Why?”

“I dunno. Just thinking……..”

“It was a long time ago….”

“Yeah.”

“It was good, though, right? Not everything in that house was so horrible?” Regulus didn’t even know what point he was trying to make here, maybe it was just a desperate attempt at finding some common ground?

“I suppose.” Sirius was giving him nothing. Regulus sighed and locked his eyes onto a small black bird flying under the bridge.

More silence ensued. Neither of them knew how to approach this. It was all so wrong now, with everything that had happened. Regulus missed being a child, how easy everything was. He missed the simple conversations, the way his brother was invincible in his eyes, untouchable, a god. The illusion was shattered now, and Regulus wanted it back. Even if just for a day.

“I miss you, Sirius,” Regulus blurted out, hating how whiny and childish his voice sounded. “How did everything get so screwed up between us? You’re my brother. You’re supposed to have my back and instead you just fucking left me. Without so much as a letter or a note. You left me alone all summer and now you act like you hate me and I don’t even know what I did.”

Regulus could see Sirius’s eyes cloud over with hurt for a moment before he blinked and took a step back, his face hardening once more. “When did you turn into the type of person who would let someone fall 300 feet to win a school game? You could have killed him, Regulus. And you didn’t even care.”

Always back to that. Always back to that fucking game. Regulus didn’t understand why everyone cared so much about it. James was fine. Sure, the fall could have killed him, but it didn’t. So why did Sirius have to act like it was a calculated plan, like Regulus had done it on purpose. He simply made a choice, maybe the wrong one in some people's eyes, but a choice nonetheless. And he didn’t regret it.

“I didn’t do it on purpose. It was a game. People fall and get hurt, that’s part of it. James knew what he signed up for. And he doesn’t hold it against me, so why do you?” Regulus hurled the accusation back on him.

Sirius’s eyes flicked across his face. “You were a good kid, you were so damn kind, wrapping up my bruises with teary eyes and always hugging me. Reg you were a fucking good child,what happened that turned you into the type of person that is ok with letting someone get hurt to win a stupid school game?”

He sounded so lost and sad that for a moment, Regulus was at a loss for words. Was Sirius really this dense? Nothing fucking changed, he just lost the glamour of thinking that his little brother was an angel.

“I grew up.”

“Yeah…. In the wrong place,” Sirius muttered, looking back out the railing again. “Maybe that’s my fault.”

Regulus looked out with him, just two brothers standing side by side admiring the view.

“Come with me.” It was so quiet that Regulus almost didn’t hear it.

“What?”

“It’s my fault. I left you in that house and you got mean. So fuck them, no one is making you stay. Leave and come live with me, we can be a family again. Away from the ‘noble house of Black’ and their legacies and bullshit.” Sirius turned to stare into his eyes again, with an expression of hope.

“What, at the Potters?” Regulus laughed, it was so absurd.

“Why not? They were glad to take me in. I’m sure if we explained the situation they would be more than happy to rescue you.”

“I don’t need rescuing.” Regulus spat, taking a step away. “ I choose to be there, because no one else is going to do it. Especially not you.”

“But you don’t have to.” Sirius was almost pleading with him now. “You don’t owe them anything.”

Is that what he really thought? It made sense that Sirius would think that way. Like the world owed him for existing, not the other way around. He always had thought himself to be the centre of the universe.

“I owe them everything.”

“I miss my little brother….”

Regulus stared at him, incredulous. “I’m right here. You just don’t accept that I’m not the person you think I am.”

Sirius shook his head sadly. “No. You’re not. But that’s not your fault.”

Regulus wanted to scream. It’s like he wasn’t listening. He just wanted to blindly blame their parents for everything that Sirius deemed unacceptable and it was unfair. Their parents were good, sure they had their flaws, but so did everyone. And Sirius rebelled far too much. He seemed to love it, rebelling against everything that their house stood for so that he could play the victim when their parents understandably stepped in and punished him.

“Please, Regulus. Just leave it all behind.”

Regulus shook his head slowly. There was no use in arguing, Sirius would believe what he wanted, see what he thought was the truth.

“No.”

Sirius deflated and turned away, his eyes oddly bright. Regulus stood there for a second longer before stalking away. His shoes clanked on the wooden bridge.

Who the fuck did Sirius think he was? Clearly he had no idea who his little brother really was, he actually thought that he would ever consider leaving? Even if just for a moment? Maybe in another life Regulus could, he would be brave enough, or strong enough or not as much of a coward that he could actually hope to dream of a life different than the one he had. But all the forces were against him, and since Sirius didn’t want it, there was no other choice. Regulus had to step up, and he did it willingly.

He would never leave. Couldn’t even if he wanted to. Yes, he loved his brother and he wanted him back but that wouldn’t, couldn’t come in front of his ambitions. If Sirius left and the Black family realized that, then Regulus could finally step up, he could finally prove that he was worth it all. He could prove it to his family that he was worth it.

That was what he really wanted. To prove he was worth it. In a perfect world he could have both; Sirius and his family. But in this universe it was one or the other. And in this universe, Sirius would never come first, not over his family.

—-------

James ate lunch alone. Well, not really alone, he had Peter and Marlene but between the two of them, conversation was dry. Marlene seemed more preoccupied staring at the Ravenclaw table and Peter was furiously scratching away at some parchment between bites of ham.

James occupied himself by flicking bits of cheese at the Slytherin table. The back of Snape's head in particular, though he had to be careful to avoid Lily, who was sitting beside him. He managed to hit the boy's greasy black hair a couple of times but the pieces were too small for him to feel anything. James found it amusing regardless, though he would have found it far more entertaining if Sirius had been here to witness it. Sirius had gone for a walk instead, citing he was stir crazy being stuck inside all morning. It wasn’t unusual for him, Sirius was the type of person who needed constant stimulation.

When lunch was finally over, and Sirius still hadn’t returned, James got up, said goodbye to his tablemates and started up the tower to their next class. He assumed Sirius would just meet him there, with a better attitude, rejuvenated by the outdoors.

He did not. In fact, he didn’t show up until dinner, skipping both afternoon classes much to James dismay.

He finally skulked to the table fifteen minutes late, with a scowl and plopped himself down next to James as he was helping himself to some roast chicken. Even Mary looked shocked, which didn’t bode well. James had assumed the two of them had been together but judging by her reaction, she hadn’t seen him since the previous day.

“Coulda told me you were skipping out today,” James punched him lightly on the shoulder, “I woulda joined in.”

“Hmm” came the noncommittal response.

James frowned. He knew Sirius well enough to tell when something was bugging him. Usually when he got like this, it was about family. Fuck. That wasn’t good.

Maybe their foray into the forest would help his mood? James hoped so, he had been looking forward to it all day.

He let Sirius stew in silence during dinner, chatting with Marelene and Remus about their Care of Magical creatures lesson. According to Marlene, they had gotten to see a unicorn today, a fact that she told very proudly while Peter scowled at the fact that it had only shown itself to the girls.

“We got to see one of the foals too, it was completely gold,” she told the group, with a pleased look on her face.

“Kettleburns a great Professor. He’s really knowledgeable, you can just tell he’s seen some stuff,” Remus chimed in, taking a piece of bread from the basket in the middle of the table.

“Maybe a bit too much, he’s missing more than half his fingers,” Peter laughed.

“Yeah, but that just means he’s dedicated.” Remus had a wistful look in his eyes, like it was something he admired. James hoped not, he didn’t want Remus to turn into Professor Kettleburn in ten years.

“Dedicated is one word for it.”

Remus rolled his eyes, scanning Sirius up and down before frowning and shooting a questioning look at James. James shrugged. They would talk about it later. Hopefully before their forbidden forest adventure.

Marlene picked up the lull in conversation and popped onwards to discuss the upcoming game between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Marlene was a newer addition to the Gryffindor team, replacing the chaser who had graduated the previous year. She was alright, in James opinion, very motivated and not afraid to get right up in the thick of things. She just needed to work on her precision.

When the last of the plates were finally clear, Mary and Marlene headed to the library, citing they had some work for Herbology to do. James smiled and bid them farewell, pleased for the easy exit.

—-------

Regulus was going to kill them. He had returned to the dorm after leaving Sirius on the bridge and found the room tidier than usual. At least, until he stepped forwards and promptly tumbled to the floor, tripping over some invisible mass.

He got up, cursing and swearing and whipped his wand out.

“Revelio.”

Oh he was going to murder them. Slowly and painfully. Instead of cleaning, they had painstakingly charmed every single object littering the floor and furniture invisible. The room looked clean, but it was NOT. And it certainly was not what Regulus had agreed to, he had held up his side of the bargain, almost getting detention for it and they had done this!

It must have taken more effort to charm the garbage than it would have been to pick it all up.

Regulus stood there for a moment, thinking of what to do in retaliation. They were going to get what was coming to them. A smirk crept onto his face as he realized.

He spent the next twenty minutes, gathering up every piece of garbage and filth on the ground. Using his wand to levitate it all of course, he wasn’t about to get his hands dirty. By the time he was done, Evan and Barty’s beds were a lumpy pile of misshapen blankets covering the piles of trash.

For a finishing touch, he cast glamors, hiding the truth behind a film of magic that showed the beds as made and pristine.

With a final smile, he left the dorm.

His roommates were at lunch and he plopped down beside them, shooting a smile to Pandora and feeling rather proud of himself as he congratulated both Barty and Evan on holding up their end of the deal.

He took great pleasure at the stressed look they shot each other.

Pandora choked on her orange juice across the table.

—-----

All four of the boys tromped up to the dorms after dinner, Peter smiling ear to ear with anticipation. James had a hard time keeping a smile of his own face, but he did try out of respect for whatever Sirius was going through.

The common room was pretty empty already, but they would need to wait until it was completely abandoned before leaving so Peter and Remus settled into a game of cards, Peter staring anxiously at the clock like it was going to suddenly jump ahead twelve hours.

Sirius made no attempt at socialization and instead stomped up the stairs to their room. Remus cast another questioning look at James and he sighed.

“Yeah, I’m going.”

So he followed Sirius up the stairs.

To no one’s surprise, Sirius was at the window, lighting up.

“All right mate?” James asked tentatively, waving his hand to dissipate the smoke flowing towards him.

Sirius exhaled slowly, “talked to Reg today.”

Oh. That made sense. James stared back at him, careful to not let his face reveal anything he was thinking. Their conversation can’t have gone too well, considering the mood Sirius was in.

“Ok….” He probed, leaning back.

“Asked him to leave with me, to come back to your place for the summer.”

This was news to James. He didn’t quite know how to feel about it. Of course his parents would never say no. They had passed on their bleeding hearts to James and would never dare turn away someone in need. But Regulus…. At his home, with Sirius?

“He said no, of course,” Sirius continued, “and…. I dunno, he’s just so different now, than the kid I grew up with. And I think maybe that’s my fault. For leaving.”

James' heart shattered a little bit at that. Because it wasn’t Sirius’s fault, it was his. He had spent months, years even, convincing Sirius to leave, telling him that Regulus would be fine without him.

It was the truth, wasn’t it? Sirius had said himself that Regulus never got the same treatment, the Blacks adored him. And James didn’t know Regulus before, so how was he supposed to tell if he was different? Fuck.What an utter mess he had caused.

His mind flicked back to the day, weeks ago, when he and Regulus had gone to the forbidden forest to collect the dew for the animagus potion. They had argued and Regulus had snapped, saying that he could never leave now, that he had to sacrifice everything for Sirius. James still couldn’t quite make sense of it. Regulus loved his family, didn’t he? Certainly more than Sirius ever did. So why was it such a sacrifice for Regulus? None of this made any sense to James. Families were complicated, the Black family even more so.

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. What was he even supposed to say to Sirius? It was all a lie, sitting here acting like he didn’t know anything about Regulus, like he didn’t care about him.

Sirius continued starting out the window, lifting the cigarette to his lips and inhaling. “I have to go back, I think.”

And that was the final nail in James coffin, the thing that finally snapped him out of his mind.

“What?! No. Absolutely not,” he burst out in shock. Yes, he wanted Regulus to leave, for both of them to be safe and free, but not at the cost of Sirius. He couldn’t lose him again.

“I think I can make Reg see. Maybe I can convince him to leave with me and we can both get out.” Sirius sounded so resigned. James wanted to smack him.

“They’ll fucking kill you.”

“No, they won’t. I'm still the heir to the ‘noble house of Black’.”

“They have another son.”

Sirius dropped the cigarette and finally looked at James, “I know! That's why I have to go back!”

Of course. Of course Sirius would say that and nothing James would say or do could change his mind. He was a Gryffindor through and through, and James couldn’t even blame him. He would do the same thing for anyone of his friends, he couldn’t imagine how Sirius felt about his brother.

The thick smoke was getting to James' head now, making him feel a bit dizzy. Maybe it was the stag in him or maybe it was just the smoke and the overwhelming feeling of the new Sirius had just shared, but he longed to leave, the thin trickle of fresh air blowing in from the window was the only thing keeping him sane. He needed to get out, to go and forget everything tonight.

Sirius exhaled one more time before leaning forward to close the window. “We can talk about this later.”

James nodded. He didn’t want to think about this right now anyways. They got up and headed downstairs, Sirius with a remarkably improved attitude. He didn’t do well with keeping stuff to himself. James followed him down, shutting off his brain to anything but the upcoming mission.

The common room still housed a few stragglers but as time slipped by, it emptied. Leaving only the four boys by midnight.

“Can we go now?” Peter asked, his eyes shining once the last student yawned, closed their books, and trudged off to bed.

Remus snapped his book shut and stood up, throwing his arms out to stretch. “So how are we doing this, we can’t all fit under the cloak?”

“Petey, turn into a rat, I’ll put you in my pocket.”

Peter turned to Sirius with a look of horror, opening and closing his mouth before deflating and doing as he asked. Sirius knelt down and grabbed the rat, placing him gently in the pocket of his cloak.

“Sirius, you should probably turn into a dog too,” James told him, holding a hand out for Peter, “me and Remus can walk under the cloak…the groundskeeper has a dog right? No one will take any notice of you. “

“Hmm, wonder what would happen to Peter if I turned with him in my pocket?” Sirius mused, dropping Peter with a yelp as the rat clamped his sharp teeth into his finger. “I wasn’t going to….”

James laughed and picked up Peter, storing his safely in his pocket. “Got the map, Moony?”

Remus nodded, whipping the parchment out and tapping it with his wand. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

“That we are…” Sirius snarked before turning into a dog and snuffling at James' pocket. He could feel Peter wriggling with anxiety inside.

“Let’s go then.”

James took the lead, stepping out the portrait and opening his cloak for Remus to tuck under.

They probably didn’t even need the map. Filch was on the other side of the castle and no one else was awake as the group traipsed down to the forest. They had one small encounter with Mrs.Norris, but Sirius swiftly got rid of her, chasing her fluffy tail down the hallway with a bark. James got the sense he enjoyed it greatly.

He didn't blame him, there were many occasions where he had wanted to smack the cat himself, generally when she was sticking her nose into their pranks, alerting Filch to the mischief. He wondered if Regulus would be offended by that. Probably. The thought made him smile.

It was a cold night. Being the middle of November, the last dregs of summer were long gone and the winter chill was beginning to creep in. Frost glistened in the grass as they threw the cloak off, sucking in lungfuls of the crisp fall air. Sirius surged ahead, pounding through the glass with his tongue lolled out. James had to resist the urge to laugh, smacking Remus and pointing as he tripped over a burrow and went flying, four legs splaying every which way.

“Almost wish it were a full moon,” he replied wistfully, staring into the stars.

James knew what he meant, all his friends had an animagus form to turn into while Remus was just walking beside them.

He clapped Remus’s shoulder, “soon enough.”

“Yeah” He began fishing for his cigarettes and lit one up as they reached the edge of the forest. James put Peter gently on the ground and watched for a second as he began snuffling cautiously.

With one last look at Remus, James changed as well, relishing the scents and sounds that enveloped him in the stag form before rushing forwards to join his friends.

Chapter Text

Sunday, November 16

The thrill of the forest carried James through the rest of the week. He reminisced during slow lessons and dreamed about it at night. It had single-handedly been one of the greatest experiences of his life, right up there with third year Christmas (the first one he spent with Sirius), and the first time he flew a broom.

The only thing that kept him going forwards was the knowledge that he got to do it all again on Tuesday, with Remus joining in this time. At least in a sense, they would be stuck in the shack but it would be all of them together.

He had felt a little bad that Remus wasn’t able to join them fully on Wednesday, instead walking through the forest with them, chain-smoking and tossing sticks for Sirius.

The upcoming full moon was making Remus antsy, all day at breakfast he had been snappy, glaring and making comments when Mary showed up, snuggling up to Sirius and happily discussing her plans for Christmas. James chalked it up to the approaching moon cycle but things still weren’t right with them, hadn’t been since the Halloween party. James was staying out of it, it was none of his business and Remus didn’t want to share so he didn’t pry.

Eventually, after the third comment Remus made about Mary being too loud, Sirius had snapped at him and Remus had stalked away, keeping away until late that afternoon.

Sirius was peeved, of course, James had to hear all about it during the day and it was getting on his last nerve, so when Remus did show back up, bearing two chocolate frogs as an apology, which Sirius gratefully accepted, James was greatly relieved.

“Figured I was being a bit of a wanker,” he said, tossing the frogs at Sirius and collapsing into a red cushy armchair.

“A bit?” Sirius muttered, but snatched them out of the air and opened one. The frog made a mad leap for freedom, well more a dignified death as it was heading for the roaring fireplace, but its hopes were dashed almost instantly as Peter blocked its escape and allowed Sirius to pick it back up.

“Other one’s for Mary, tell her I’m sorry?” Remus said, waving one hand while the other one pressed the bridge of his nose.

James frowned, looking for his wand. “Headache?” He prompted, patting his pockets and getting up to check the folds of the couch. He had just learned a spell for that and hadn’t gotten a chance to test it out yet.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah,”

“I can fix that!” James announced proudly, brandishing his wand and brushing off the crumbs that clung to the tip. It had been shoved way down between the cushions.

Sirius laughed, holding the decapitated chocolate frog, “oh, fuck, Moony don’t let him, he’ll take your head off instead!”

“I will not! I’ll have you know that I’m actually rather gifted with healing spells, Madam Pomfrey said so!”

“Oh, well if Pomfrey said so then it must be true,” Sirius responded sarcastically.

This produced a laugh from all three of them. James laughed along mockingly. “Watch it, I’m good at hexes too.”

Sirius lifted his hands in surrender before ripping the cardboard open. “Ugh, Bowman Wright again. I’ve got about four of him. You want it Peter?”

“Oh, would you? I don’t have him yet.”

Sirius passed the card over and Peter turned it around in his hands. James smiled and turned his attention back to Remus. “So?”

“Think I’ll pass mate, thanks though. Don’t think it would do any good anyways, it’s a symptom of my uh….” He looked around the common room, eyes landing on the two closest students, “furry problem.”

James nodded in understanding, putting his wand away somewhat dejectedly. He had really wanted to test that spell. Maybe they could get Peter to run headfirst into a wall sometime soon and he could try it out then? He made a mental note to ask Sirius about that.

“Speaking of,” Sirius said, “how are we supposed to get out there? Doesn’t Madam-”

“Actually what say we move this conversation upstairs, lads?” James interjected before Sirius could reveal anything important. He wasn’t always the most tactful when people were listening.

Remus nodded, still clutching his head.

Once they were settled in the dorm, Remus picked the conversation back up. “Madam Pomfrey walks me down there, through that tunnel under the whomping willow. You should have no trouble getting there, use the cloak and send Peter to hit the knot, I’ll meet you there and she can lock us in.”

He looked rather green at the last words, as if the reality of him being locked in the shrieking shack with his friends was a terrifying thought. Peter echoed his misgivings, “but what do we do if we have to get out?”

Sirius smacked him lightly. “We won’t have to get out, everything will be fine.”

“No, he’s right. You don’t have to do this. I could easily kill one of you.”

“You won’t,” James responded firmly. He really believed it. Remus wasn’t capable of hurting one of them, and if he did it wouldn’t be his fault. Besides, they had started this for him, done all of it for this, they weren’t about to back out at that last step.

“Yeah…but-“

“It will be fine.” Sirius said in a tone that allowed for no further questions.

Remus didn’t look convinced but he knew his friends. There was nothing he could say to change their minds. It was going to happen, whatever the outcome.

————

NOVEMBER 18, Tuesday

Tuesday night was bitterly cold. The air stung James' nose as the three of them made their way to the tree, under the cover of the invisibility cloak. Peter was safely stowed away in his pocket and Sirius was at his heels, padding along in dog form.

They were probably earlier than they needed to be but Remus had insisted, in case anything went wrong with them getting there. They had seen him off to the hospital wing right after dinner like they usually did and then made their way outside.

Peter did his job wonderfully, without a hitch, but James still felt odd approaching the whomping willow. Every student at Hogwarts had it instilled in them to stay far away from that tree, and every instinct in James was screaming to run the other way but he shoved it down, crouching to tuck into the tunnel.

As soon as they were in, Peter slipped ahead with Sirius. James kept under the cloak for warmth. He actually couldn’t wait to turn into the stag, temperature control was better in animagus form.

When at last they reached the end of the tunnel, they were met with a worn wooden door. Sirius and Peter waited patiently as James pushed it open and sucked in a deep breath. His heart sank as he looked around the room.

It was possibly the most depressing place he had ever seen. Cobwebs and dust covered every inch of the place, all of the furniture was broken in multiple places save a tiny cot pushed back in the corner, and there were various splotches of darkened wood that James instantly clocked as bloodstains. I mean, he knew Remus injured himself out here but fuck, they couldn’t even clean them up so it wasn’t a constant reminder every month?

Apparently Sirius had the same idea, he changed back and scowled.

“Bloody hell. What a depressing place to be stuck. Can you imagine eleven year old Remus being told this is where he was supposed to stay? It’s downright humiliating.”

James had to agree. It wasn’t new information in any sense, Remus had told them all about the shack but seeing it in person was a different thing. He kept staring at the bloodstains and imagining Remus lying there, unable to even call for help until Madam Pomfrey arrived in the morning. It was thoroughly depressing. If he had needed any more encouragement that what they were doing was the right thing, this was it.

“Well, cozy up, it’s gonna be a while.” Sirius said, sitting down on the dusty floor and whipping out a cigarette.

“No.” James stopped him before he could light up. “You can’t smoke here, Madam Pomfrey might smell it.”

“Oh, come on,” Sirius pleaded.

“No.”

Sighing he put it back in the pack. “Well what am I supposed to do instead?”

“I dunno, play with the dust or something?”

Peter had occupied himself with scuttling across the room, exploring as a rat while James and Sirius talked.

“Ugh, can’t wait for Moony to get here,” Sirius muttered.

James whipped around and gave him a hard stare. It was quite tactless of him to say that, considering the state of this room.

“Sorry….”

James took a seat on the small cot, the springs squealed in protest. It wasn’t even a comfy bed, all hard and lumpy instead. It felt like everything in this place was designed to make Remus as uncomfortable as possible. It really was sad, the more James looked around, the more he could picture Remus sitting all alone in here, in the dark waiting for the change to take place.

Soon enough, they heard the soft voice of Madam Pomfrey echoing through the tunnel. Sirius jumped up, dashing to the corner as James whipped the cloak over both of them. Peter didn’t bother, his animagus was a perfect disguise for this place.

“……and you know I’ll be back as soon as the sun is up.”

The door opened and Remus stepped in, scanning the place and looking extremely anxious. Madam Pomfrey stopped at the door before speaking again. James noticed she was careful not to step past the threshold. Her eyes scanned the room, lingering on the same dark splotches James had pointed out.

“I really am sorry that we have to keep you here.”

Remus nodded, “S’alright. I’ve gotten used to it,” he mumbled.

The healer smiled, “yes, well. Goodbye Remus.”

And with that she turned and shut the door. Sirius and James stayed hidden for another moment while Madam Pomfrey cast her protective spells around the room and locked it. Eventually they heard the clicking of her footsteps and James threw the cloak off, standing up.

Remus smiled a little as he saw them, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Fucking hell Remus, coulda told us they were keeping you in this dingy old shack! I mean, I knew that but this,” he gestured around with his hands, “is just cruel. I mean they don’t even bother to clean your blood from the wood!”

Sirius was expressing the outrage that James felt but Remus hardly looked phased. “You get used to it, besides, the wolf doesn’t mind a couple bloodstains. Actually prefers them, I think.”

The joke didn’t quite land but Remus moved on anyways. “Where’s Pete then?”

Peter scurried into view, keeping in his rat form.

“Yeah, he was going on about not wanting to ‘alert the wolf to his presence’ thinks he might be a target if you see him change. I told him he was being a git but, what can we do?” Sirius looked down with a judgemental glare as he spoke. “So how long does it usually take?”

Remus sat down on the bed, well used to the creaking. “Depends, I can generally tell when it’s about to happen. I’ll let you know.”

Sirius nodded. “Can I smoke now then?”

Remus shrugged, looking at James.

“Yeah,” he sighed, settling down at the foot of the cot while Remus and Sirius shared a cig. Peter scuttled anxiously along the floor, squeaking intermittently.

It got quiet then, with the two sharing the smoke silently. Everyone in the room seemed to realize the gravity of the situation they had entered into.

They were only halfway through their smoke when Remus suddenly dropped it and stubbed it out with his foot, “Change, now” His eyes were wide with panic, voice strained.

Sirius rolled off the cot, hitting the floor in his animagus form. James followed suit, slipping back into the skin of the stag. His viewpoint was much higher, so he got a birds-eye view of Remus changing.

It was horrifying, the change. James could hear every breaking bone, every snap of a joint popping out of place as Remus’s body struggled to rearrange itself. Remus hadn’t had time to remove his clothes in the sudden onset and they fell in ribbons around his twisted form. His limbs grew long and thin, stretching farther than James would have thought possible. He had not realized just how large the wolf would become. Fur began to spread down his arms and legs, dark and coarse, picking up speed before engulfing Remus’s terrified face. He was clearly in agony, emitting horrible guttural noises in between his screams. What stuck with Jame’s the most though was his eyes. Remus’s eyes had not yet changed and when he looked at James he could see every ounce of the terror he felt written in his gaze. James watched as Remus writhed around on the floor, finalizing the transformation, and knew he would not be likely to forget this night any time soon.

Both Sirius and James backed into the corner again, Peter scuttled up as well , resting at the tip of Sirius’s paw.

It was over in a matter of minutes and the wolf turned, its eyes were cold and bloodthirsty, with no hint of Remus inside. For the first time, James wondered if they had made a mistake. If they had been naive in thinking that Remus would never hurt them.

That wasn’t Remus. There was no trace of their friend left. Maybe he was in there, deep down, but with one look James could see that if the wolf decided they were a threat, there would be no saving them. The creature in front of them was empty and vicious. A true monster.

The wolf had no fear, it approached slowly, looking up and down at the three animals in front of them, every muscle tensed and ready. James didn’t know what he was supposed to do so he settled with simply staying still. It was Sirius that broke the uneasy silence, bowing his head slightly.

The wolf growled, a low and threatening sound. James followed suit and knelt on one knee, bowing his head as well so his antlers scraped the floor. Peter couldn’t really bow but the wolf paid him no mind, a rat wasn’t much of a threat.

They stayed suspended there for a moment, thirty seconds feeling like infinity while the wolf weighed their lives.

James' heart was pounding in his chest as the wolf came closer. There was no growling anymore, which he took as a good sign but the room was still insanely tense. You could cut it with a knife. The wolf sniffed Sirius, then Peter, then James before letting out a puff of air and visibly relaxing.

Everyone else in the room did too, letting out a breath of relief that changed the atmosphere in seconds.

Sirius took this as a sign and leaped forwards, landing on top of the wolf and launching into the world's most dangerous game of play-fighting that James had ever seen. It was terrifying, but both the wolf and Sirius seemed to love it. They rolled over each other, snapping and biting at legs, jumping up and running across the room, then turning and colliding with each other again.

James and Peter didn’t really know what to do now. Remus- the wolf, had accepted them, but found much more company in Sirius. After about five minutes of watching that, Peter scampered away to continue exploring the nooks and crannies of the ancient house. James, being in such a large form, resigned to sitting in his corner. He was honestly just happy to provide some moral support, though neither of the canines seemed to need it.

In fact, James felt a bit like he was intruding on something.

Eventually, he fell asleep, resting his long head on the wooden floor and trying to keep one black eye open to observe the antics.

It was hours later that he awoke to a wet nose pushing into his side. His eyes shot open, immediately clocking the dim flitter of light coming through the boarded up windows. Was it really dawn already? Fuck. He had slept almost the whole night away.

Remus was still in his wolf form, though not for much longer. He was on the other side of the room, unharmed, and panting.

Sirius nosed him again and they locked eyes.

‘Soon’ was what he was trying to convey. James got it. Didn’t need the warning really, considering the amount of sun peeking through the walls.

Almost on cue, the wolf began to howl. James pressed his eyes closed. He didn’t want to see that again. The howling was loud and piercing, until they tapered off, turning into distinctly human cries. James had always thought that transforming into the wolf has been the painful part but apparently not. Figures.

He felt a sudden bolt of anger at the werewolf that had done this to Remus. He was just a child. Four years old. Who did that? It made him sick, thinking of whatever twisted creature had done that and taken pleasure in it. He wondered if Remus knew who did it. James had never asked out of respect. After seeing the transformation though, he wanted to know so he could rip them apart.

As the snapping of bones faded, James flicked one eye open.

Oh.

He shut it again. It wasn’t like it was for them, transforming ruined his clothes. James hadn’t even thought about that, though he did remember seeing them shred last night. Every other full moon, Remus probably undressed before changing. Tonight, he hadn’t had the chance.

Fuck. James didn’t have anything to help, all he had brought was the invisibility cloak.

As he sat there, eyes pressed closed, he felt Sirius shift away from beside him.

“Here, take my robe,”

Remus grunted in thanks, and the room was filled with shuffling sounds.

“You can turn now,” he called when he was done changing.

James obeyed, melting back into his human form. Peter did the same and they joined the two boys in the centre of the room. Sirius was in his bottom layer of robes wearing a crazed smile, like he had just won the house cup single handedly.

“Success then!” He shouted, lifting an arm.

Remus smiled, admittedly far more happy than James had seen him days. He was wrapped in Sirius’s outer cloak, practically swimming in it since the other boy was much taller than him but he looked so freaking happy. For a second, James saw the little eleven year old that had stepped on the train with mismatched socks and a fierce desire to fit in.

“Yeah, success.”

“We could probably go out into the forest sometime soon too,” Peter chimed in thoughtfully, “I was watching you two last night, not much else for entertainment around here, but anyways, Remus seemed to listen to Sirius, so it couldn’t be very hard for us to keep him in line out there.”

James chewed on the idea for a moment. It made sense. He wished he hadn’t fallen asleep last night. Though Peter was right, it would be much more entertaining for all of them if they could get into the forest. The stag was too big for this room.

“Let me think on it, ok?” Remus said, “it’s not a no , just….. not yet.”

Sirius nodded.

The jangling of keys made them all jump. Madam Pomfrey was back. Sirius jumped into action, bolting across the room to the cloak. James followed on his heels and Peter turned into the rat just as the plump faced woman burst through the door.

Under the cloak, James breathed a sigh of relief. It had been too close. Even Remus looked startled and he had the best hearing of them all.

“Well! Aren’t we bright eyed and bushy-tailed this fine morning?” She crossed the room and began inspecting Remus. “No injuries either?” Her voice was incredibly shocked, and James realized she was probably used to entering this room and healing Remus from whatever injuries he had caused.

It was a sad thought.

“No, it was a good night,” Remus smiled, looking at the seemingly empty corner.

“Well good, let’s get you a spot of breakfast then.” She draped an arm over Remus’s shoulders, leading him out of the room, Remus shot one more contented look at the dinghy shack before setting off down the tunnel.

—------

It was weird to be alone on a Tuesday night. Regulus was so used to spending them with James.

He went up to the astronomy tower anyways, just out of habit. It was quiet and still, unlike the common room he had just left where Barty and Evan were flinging firecrackers at each other in front of a crowd. Regulus didn’t even want to know where they had got them. The noise wasn’t the worst thing in the world, he could deal with that, but once it had descended into mixing magic and muggle, he left. Some things just shouldn’t be tampered with.

Regulus considered going to find Pandora, it was just after dinner, but he didn’t fancy heading all the way up to Ravenclaw and sitting outside like a desperate begger, waiting for someone to fetch her. He really needed to do something about that, maybe some charm or spell as a way to communicate?

He made a mental note to look into it.

Once in the tower, he didn’t bother lighting any candles. The light from the moon was enough, it was absolutely brilliant tonight, huge and full, hanging lazily in the sky. and it wasn’t like he had any real plan or work to do.

His favourite purple cushion was in the same place so he took it, leaning back and looking up at the stars.

Sirius was bright tonight. Well, it always was but tonight in particular, it outshone everything else except the moon. Regulus smiled a bit to himself. There was some irony in that, the full moon being the only time Sirius was outdone.

He wondered how that was going. James and them would be with Remus right now. Hopefully not dead, ripped apart by the werewolf. That would be unfortunate.

It was a bit of a shock to realize that he actually cared. Kinda scared him a bit to be honest. Sirius, he would always care about, in that complicated way that siblings did. No matter what, he would always love his brother deep down, even while he hated him, there would always be a bond between them. James though? No, that terrified him. It wasn’t right. Regulus didn’t get close to people. He was a solitary creature, meant to be alone, not depending or caring about anyone. Especially not Gryffindors.

But…..James. James with his easy smile and carelessness. His kindness that Regulus didn’t understand. He was simply good. And Regulus liked that about him. He liked that James and him were friends, liked that this pure soul saw something good in him, even if it was just for Sirius.

He had been thinking that for a while now. That James only cared out of respect for his best friend. That perhaps their meetings were all just a ploy to get close to Regulus and try to reunite the brothers. After all, why would someone so righteous ever want to be friends with Regulus? It simply didn’t make sense.

But despite all that, Regulus found that he didn’t actually care if it was a scheme or not. He liked spending time with James. He liked that no one knew (save Evan and Barty), and most of all, he fucking loved that Sirius didn’t know. That he was almost stealing a part of Sirius from right under his nose and he didn’t even notice.

And James let him. That was what was so appealing about all of this. That James was a willing accomplice and kept it from Sirius. So even if his efforts were all a trick for Sirius, he was still harming him indirectly by keeping it a secret. Regulus loved that. It made him feel superior for once, as he was always inferior to his older brother in every regard.

Their mother preferred Sirius for the heir, if only he would get his life together. It made Regulus’s blood boil. He was right fucking there. He wasn’t like Sirius, he obeyed the rules, he was the perfect son and still they wanted Sirius over him.

Sirius had a different opinion. He thought that they liked Regulus better. Even said it one time when they were fighting. But it wasn’t true. Sirius got the brunt of their parents' anger to make him better, to shape him into the person they needed him to be. Regulus already was that person, and Sirius resented him for it. The sad part was that Regulus would have taken it if Sirius ever offered. He wanted the responsibility while Sirius shirked away from it. He would gladly accept it if only their parents ever fucking asked.

They never did, directing their attention to their eldest son instead. And Regulus only ever wanted to be good enough for them.

It had been for the best for everyone when Sirius left. Some part of Regulus had even been happy that he stood a chance now. It only hurt because he didn't tell Regulus. He left his little brother completely out of the loop and abandoned him without so much as a word. That was the real problem.

Because Regulus missed him too. Just not enough to want him to come home, or to leave with him.

With the tower being empty, Regulus transformed into his cat form and stretched before crawling onto the opposite green pillow, it had a better view out the window, and Regulus didn’t feel like trying to move his purple one.

And the green one smelled like James, fresh cut grass and sunlight. Not that it meant anything, because it didn’t. Not at all.

……but still. He fell asleep faster than normal that night, waking only when the light of dawn was creeping over the trees.

Chapter Text

Friday, November 21

Three weeks into November, Barty and Evan found out about Regulus’s extracurricular activities. It was following an especially long quidditch practice and an even longer day but Regulus was still kicking himself internally for forgetting the charms around his bed when he tucked in for the night.

The morning had started like any other. Regulus was sleeping soundly in his cat form, tail tucked under his chin until a textbook flew through the curtains and clocked him in the head. It really fucking hurt.

He had jumped up, hissing and spitting, forgetting for just a moment that his roommate were oblivious to his abilities. Of course, the ruckus prompted Barty, who was still rumpled from sleep and in the middle of tying his tie, to peek through the curtains.

Regulus switched back as fast as possible, but Barty had caught a glimpse. They locked eyes for a moment before Barty gaped and called Evan over.

“Reggie, were you just…. A cat?”

“No,” he tried, ignoring the despicable nickname and getting up as if nothing was wrong and beginning to get dressed.

“Bullshit.”

Evan sauntered up, pulling on his robes and yawning loudly. Regulus shot a look at the fourth bed, impeccably made and empty. Marcus usually left earlier than the rest of them.

“You hiding something, Reggie?” he asked, suspiciously swiping the curtains aside.

Regulus sighed, dramatically yawning and throwing his arms out. “Barty, you must be imagining things.” He stood up and began gathering his robes for the day.

“You know,” Barty leaned in, “I don’t think I am imagining things. You were a cat.” He gasped, looking wide awake now. “Are you a fucking animagus!?”

Barty really was smarter than people gave him credit for.

“What…how! When!” Evan spluttered, looking flabbergasted.

Regulus just smirked and pushed past them. “We’re gonna be late if you don’t hurry up.”

The bathroom door slammed behind him and as he turned the faucet for the shower. He could hear them still talking in shocked voices.

He really should have expected the attack that came when he stepped out of the bathroom, hair dripping.

“Does this have to do with your weird friendship with Potter?” Evan asked.

“Yeah, that would make sense. You’re not the type to make friends easily, especially with Gryffindors,” Barty added, arms crossed.

Rude. Regulus thought he was more than capable of making friends, just never wanted to. “It’s not that weird… but yes,” he admitted, tousling the towel in his hair.

“Blimey.” Barty sounded almost jealous. “Will you teach us? Would be cool to be an animagus….”

“Fuck no,” Regulus laughed. “You can’t even clean a room up properly. You would both screw up and turn into weird mutated animals.”

They made indignant sounds at that and Regulus smiled at the memory of Barty and Evan getting into their trash filled beds. He had gotten his way though; they had cleaned up the room after that. Mainly because the house elves wouldn’t fix their beds until they got rid of the garbage.

“S’pretty cool though, you have to admit,” Evan began shoving his books into his book bag. “Hey, does this mean we can send you to distract Mrs.Norris for us now?”

“No.”

“You never do anything for us Reggie, and we’re always so kind to you!”

“Piss off.” He cast a quick drying spell on his hair, running a hand through it and snatching up his own book bag. “Hurry up, I don’t want detention.”

————

Marlene was getting much better at quidditch. Since Ravenclaw had won the last game, it was Ravenclaw vs Gryffindor next and James had taken to doing one on one lessons with Marlene. Mainly it consisted of drilling her and refining her moves. She was fast, just not very precise. James prided himself on the improvement in the last week, crediting himself for it all.

“Ok, we’re done for the morning!” he called, waving an arm to Marlene from across the pitch. He swore he could see the relief on her face from here.

Marlene was a bit like Sirius in that way, preferring to sleep in to the last second. Luckily, James had Lily on his side now, and she was willing to harass Marlene for him since he couldn’t go into the girls dorm. She had significantly warmed up to him in the last couple weeks. James was careful to hold his tongue about Snape to her, and in turn, she ate dinner with them a few times a week. It was just an added bonus that it pissed Snape off.

“You’re a bloody menace, waking me up at the crack of dawn for these demented drills,” Marlene complained once they were on the ground again.

“Oh, Marls, it’s for your own benefit. Besides, don’t you just love watching the sun rise?”

“Would prefer it to be high in the sky before I wake up, actually.”

James frowned. Sunrise was the best time of day in his opinion. He always had so much energy in the morning. “You gotta appreciate the beauty!”

“Appreciate this.” Marlene stuck her finger up at him and started back up to the castle. James quickly tossed the quaffle back into the room below the bleachers and followed her.

“You really are improving you know… fuck you walk fast,” he panted.

“Yeah, I think we’ve got a real chance at beating Ravenclaw tonight.”

“Oh I have no doubts. Rose is an amazing seeker, much better than that dolt they have.”

Marlene laughed, a loud cheery sound that brought an instant smile to James face. “Yeah, but they have some really good chasers.”

“Not better than us.”

“True, but Dorcas is amazing!” she gushed, sounding a little starstruck.

“Dorcas?” James hadn’t met her, but he’d heard the name a couple times from Regulus. Apparently she was Pandora’s friend. He just assumed she was a Slytherin.

“Yeah, she’s a year above us, and it’s her first year on the team. Not sure why, she’s supposed to be amazing. I actually snuck in and watched one of their practices before, she is REALLY good.”

“Wow, she must be some chaser for you to compliment her.”

“Oh, James, I fucking adore her,” Marlene sighed.

“Yeah?” He smirked, “I couldn’t tell.”

She punched him in the arm, hard. Marlene always hit hard.

“Owwwwww,” he complained, rubbing the spot, “that’s gonna bruise.”

Marlene ignored him, climbing the steps to the castle and turning back. “I need a shower, badly!”

“Same. I think we still have twenty minutes before breakfast. Coming up to the dorm?”

She nodded in reply and they pushed into the castle. The wave of heat hit him like a truck. He hadn’t realized how cold it was outside until they were back in the warmth. It was probably going to snow soon. The idea brought a thrill to James' heart. He loved winter, and everything that came with it.

“Sooooo, Mary and Sirius….” She brought up as they climbed the staircases.

“What about them?” As far as James knew they were good.

“Mary says he’s been ignoring her for the last week, I’m supposed to get you to get him to pay more attention to her.”

James resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Why were girls like this? Couldn’t Mary just say something herself. Why the need to go through three people to get the point across?

“He’s just been busy with school.” A lame excuse, as they both knew Sirius didn’t give a rats tail about schoolwork.

He had really been busy with Regulus, back to trying to speak to him since the full moon was no longer pulling his attention. Sirius had even broached the idea of heading home for Christmas. A prospect that James wasn’t thrilled about.

“Sirius? Busy with school? Sure,” Marlene laughed. “I don’t really care, just passing the message on. She’ll kill me otherwise.”

“I’ll tell him. We need you to beat Ravenclaw,” James told her. “Sugar Gumdrops.”

“Right you are!” The portrait beamed at them and swung inwards.

“See you at breakfast then?”

Marlene nodded. “Bye James.”

They headed up their respective staircases, James being quiet so as not to wake his roommates as he crept into the bathroom to shower.

————

Pandora joined them for breakfast, as usual. She was sipping on her orange juice and reading the Daily Prophet with a frown.

Barty sat down beside her, peeking over her shoulder. “More deaths?” He asked as he helped himself to eggs.

“Yeah, two more muggle families.”

Regulus kept his face neutral as he swiped a piece of toast. Really, he thought it was no big loss. Voldemort only really targeted muggles and muggleborn families. He understood why. The Blacks were big supporters of him in secret. Walburga swore that he was doing what was best for the wizarding world and Regulus had no doubts he was. They didn’t need anymore half-blood families, there were too many already. It was a disgusting stain to the entire wizarding world.

It was Barty that voiced what he was thinking. “No loss there, then,” he shrugged, wiping the crumbs from his hands as he added hashbrowns to his plate.

Pandora just folded the paper and poured more orange juice, her face impassive.

“You going to see the game, Pandora?” Evan asked, shooting a glance at her and changing the subject.

The fated Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor game was tonight. Regulus didn’t even want to go. It was cold out, being the middle of November and he had no desire to watch quidditch when he wasn’t a part of it. Besides, Dorcas was playing, and he wasn’t on great terms with her, having assaulted her boyfriend a few weeks ago. Not that it was uncalled for. In his opinion, he had been completely in the right, but it had taken the boy a day and a half to find the counter for the jinx Regulus had placed on him.

“Mmmmhmmm,” she replied, looking at Regulus with her piercing blue eyes. Maybe it was a seer thing but Regulus swore she could see into his soul with those eyes. “Are you?”

“No,” he answered, chewing his toast thoughtfully. “It’s cold.”

Evan laughed, “I’ll cast a warming spell. Come on, join us.”

“It's boring.”

“What else have you got to do?”

“Fine.” Regulus relented just to shut them up and returned to his breakfast, casting a look over at the Gryffindor table as he spread jam on a second piece of toast. Sirius was staring at him again. He sighed and looked away. This had become a regular occurrence at meals in the last week, as well as Sirius’s attempts to corner him in hallways again. Regulus missed the few weeks following the first quidditch game, where Sirius had ignored him.

At least now he could slip away and avoid detection as an animagus. No one noticed an extra black cat wandering around; half of the school had pets, most of them cats.

Actually, that was another thing annoying him. There were so many cats, everywhere, all the time. It was like they sought him out. Anytime he was trying to avoid something or just catch a few moments of silence. Bam. Another damn cat, coming out of nowhere and trying to suss out what he was.

He swore they could tell. That they knew he was an imposter. But it was really getting out of hand. The other night he woke up to some random tabby curling up on the edge of his bed.

Barty and Evan had a good laugh at Regulus waking them up in the middle of the night to deposit the cat into the hall. Regulus did not find it funny. He was being harassed.

In fact, as he crunched down on the toast, he left something brush up against his leg. He didn’t even need to look down to see that it was yet another cat. A pale orange one, looking up at him suspiciously.

If cats could look suspicious. Regulus thought it did.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” he stood up abruptly, taking a step back, disgusted.

Barty and Evan leaned over to see what the fuss was about and burst into laughter.

“Mate… I think you’ve got a stalker,” Barty wheezed.

"OH MY GOD I GET IT NOW" Evan blurted out, looking to the cat, then to Regulus. "Maybe they want a friend."

“This isn’t funny, it’s unhygienic!” he complained.

They paid him no mind. Instead, starting to meow obnoxiously at him. Even Pandora cracked a smile, though she shot him a sympathetic look when he glared at her.

“I hate all of you,” He grumbled, putting the toast between his teeth, grabbing his book bag and stalking off.

The orange tabby followed.

————

James was jittery all day. He always got that way before a game. Once he was up in the air, everything was perfect. But the anticipation? It killed him. The anxiety hit him like a wave as soon as they got down to breakfast and he had to resist the urge to vomit. It was always like this, no matter how much he tried against it. Once, Sirius had suggested he drink a calming draught the day of their games, but Madam Pomfrey had said it was against the rules when he had asked her. Oh well.

Sirius had gotten up for breakfast today at least, a rare occurrence, though he seemed to be lacking James nervousness. He envied Sirius for that. Nothing shook him. Or at least, almost nothing.

As he sipped his juice, he caught Sirius staring across the hall again, a pained look on his face as he stared at the Slytherin table. Regulus. It was always Regulus.

James let it be. For the last week he had been wracked with worry and guilt over whatever was going on between them, but he couldn’t do it today. There would be plenty of time for that after the match.

Friday was the only day of the week that Remus, Peter, Sirius, and James were in the same classes all day. Defence against the Dark arts first thing in the morning, followed by History of Magic, then the unfortunate double Potions all afternoon. It wasn’t a bad schedule, James just hated Potions. It was boring, tedious and there were too many rules. A simple calculation error could ruin the whole thing, hours of work just erased by adding in an extra pinch of spearmint. What made it worse was watching Snivellus excel in every class, slowly slinking his way into the position of teacher’s pet. It made James feel even more nauseous than Quidditch did.

Sirius generally made it better. It was the one class they had with Slytherin so Sirius put his head to work, coming up with all kinds of pranks and things to entertain themselves with, generally at Snapes expense.

Mary and Marlene met up with the group midway through breakfast. They sat down with a cheery greeting, though James caught Mary giving Sirius a dirty look.

“I’m bored. Why is no one talking?” Remus complained, making his way through an absurdly large stack of pancakes.

He was right, the table was abnormally quiet. Sirius’s attention was over at the Slytherin table, Peter was writing notes on a spare bit of parchment, cross referencing a huge textbook he had plopped on the table, and James, well, James was just wallowing in his nervousness.

“Sorry, just thinking about the game tonight,” he apologized.

“We’ve got this!” Marlene chimed in, her mouth full.

James nodded, returning to his own breakfast as Remus tried to make conversation with Marlene. The food tasted like ashes but he ate anyway. He didn’t even know why he was so stressed. This game really didn’t mean anything, even if they lost they were still in the running for the house cup. Only barely though. The loss to Slytherin had been a big one. Sirius had tried to fight it, saying that Regulus played unfairly. It was to no avail, Regulus caught the snitch before James hit the ground so it was fair play.

By the time breakfast was over, James felt as though there was a can of worms in his stomach. He briefly considered heading back to the dorm and skipping the first class but decided against it. He wouldn’t be able to sleep and sitting alone in their room being anxious wasn’t much better than being in class.

So, when everyone was done eating, he got up and followed them quietly to Defence Against the Dark Arts, hoping that they didn’t need to do anything practical today.

Thankfully, it was a theory day. They spent the whole class reading out of textbooks and copying notes. James was good at that. It gave him something to focus on, and with Peter and Remus being in the class as well, Sirius had someone else to talk to, leaving James alone with his work.

History of Magic wasn’t much different, though Peter did drop a textbook in the middle, startling the whole class and snapping James out of his thoughts quite jarringly. It took him a good twenty minutes to find his groove again after that, and by the time class was over, he had only completed a third of the required reading.

“Oi, Moony, give me a recap?” James called as they emptied into the crowded hallway after class.

“For what? You had your head in that book all class, no way you didn’t finish!” Remus exclaimed, shoving parchment into his bag as Sirius and Peter wrestled for a chocolate frog in front of them.

“I kept getting lost,” he admitted, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.

“Fine, you can have my notes though, I’m not going to give you a speech.” Remus handed back a thick page of parchment, covered in his cramped, messy handwriting.

“I can’t read this,” James stated, shoving it back.

“Piss off then,” Remus said with a smile, taking it and putting it away for the second time.

James smiled back half-heartedly.

Lunch was more of the same. James stared off into a space and tried to quell the anxiety in his stomach while the group chattered around him. They all knew the routine pretty well by now, James was useless as a friend when they had a quidditch match later.

It was Regulus that finally made him feel something other than nausea, funnily enough. James was staring at the Ravenclaw table, at Dorcas, now that he knew who she was. She seemed so confident, sitting with the boy that Regulus had hexed a few weeks ago and laughing like she hadn’t a care in the world. It only added to his anxiety.

“Stop staring at me. You’re freaking me and the whole table out.” James knew that voice. He snapped his head up and found Regulus standing with his arms crossed directly behind Sirius.

Regulus’s eyes flashed downwards at James for a split second but conveyed nothing but disdain and annoyance.

“I’m not staring……” Sirius shot back, glaring at his brother with the same expression. James had to hide his smirk. They were so damn similar. It was like watching identical twins fight, only one had longer hair.

“Whatever, just stop it or I’ll blind you for a day.” Then he stalked away, going to sit back down next to Pandora at the Slytherin table.

“He wouldn’t really though? Would he?” Mary asked once the layer of shocked silence wore off.

Sirius shrugged. “Probably. Sulky little wanker.”

James could tell that Sirius was proud, despite himself. Regulus had come over to tell him off, and that was about as close as he was getting to a conversation these days. It was progress. It meant he cared, that their conversation on the bridge had been more than a one-off. James was oddly proud; Regulus had a habit of freezing people out, especially Sirius.

Maybe this meant their relationship was getting better? James hardly dared to hope. He had been trying hard at getting used to the idea that Sirius would be heading home for Christmas. Maybe if they fixed their issues before then Sirius could stay with James?

It was almost too much to dream of.

————

Outside was fucking freezing. Regulus wrapped his cloak tighter around himself as the three of them walked down to the pitch.

It was a cold day, windy and just miserable, with grey skies that threatened the first snowfall of the year. Regulus hoped not. Regulus hoped the clouds were bluffing, he had no desire to see the snow again.

“Why are we even here? No one cares about Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor,” he complained through chattering teeth. They had just barely left the castle, but Regulus was skinny, and he never went outside in the winter for good reason.

“School spirit Reggie! Don’t you have any?” Evan asked with a good natured laugh.

“No. My school spirit evaporates when it gets below zero,” he replied, wrapping the cloak tighter.

Pandora looked him up and down with pity, before whipping her wand out and casting a warming spell. It instantly heated him up, flowing through his veins like hot water. He shot her a grateful look and nodded. Regulus had always been terrible with temperature spells. Every time he attempted one it was either too hot or too cold. He had burnt himself with a warming charm more than once, so now he just never attempted them, suffering through the chill instead.

It was more bearable now that he wasn’t cold, but he still dreaded having to watch the game. It was just so boring. He wasn’t playing, so there was no reason to watch. Barty or Evan could just fill him in and he would be happy with that. But no, he just had to come along and spend a good portion of his afternoon watching students blunder around on brooms.

“Bet a galleon that Ravenclaw will win,” Barty said, nudging Evan as he pulled out a thick pouch of coins.

“Piss off, I’m not betting on Gryffindor!”

“Oi, Pandora, who’s gonna win?” Evan cosying up next to his sister and pleading with wide eyes.

“How do you know I’ll give you the truth?” she fired back.

“You’re my sister! You’re supposed to help me out!”

“Nope”

“So rude.”

They caught up with another group of Slytherins at that point and Pandora pulled out a small beetle from her pocket as Barty and Evan abandoned them to try and hedge bets with the newcomers. It was green and shiny, crawling slowly over her finger as she looked at it, her eyes full of adoration.

“I don’t actually know who’s going to win,” she said absently, gazing down at her hand.

“Really?” Regulus asked. She was usually full of these tidbits of knowledge, even seemingly inconsequential things. Like before the first Quidditch match, she had saved Regulus from getting soaked by the Gryffindor team at dinner.

“Never saw it.”

“Hmm.”

Pandora continued watching her beetle.

“It’s a Rose Chafer. They can live for two years, a longer life cycle than most bugs, you know.” Her voice had that dreamy, faraway tone to it, like she really wouldn’t care or notice if Regulus was hit by an asteroid. She wouldn’t take her eyes from the bug.

“Fascinating,” he replied in a tone that portrayed how not fascinating he found it. She didn’t notice, just continued spouting off facts. It was a nice background noise.

They found seats with ease, in the Slytherin bleachers for some reason, despite the fact that Pandora was Ravenclaw. She was wearing traditional blue, so she stuck out in the mass of green, but she didn’t seem to take any notice of the glares. She hummed contentedly as she pocketed the beetle and sat down. “I hope it doesn’t snow.”

“Yeah.”

The warming charm she had cast had settled slightly, allowing a hint of the chill to creep into Regulus’s fingertips. It was loud on the bleachers, the wind whipping across the stadium and students chattering anxiously as they awaited the match. Barty and Evan were a couple rows down, sitting amongst some Slytherin girls.

Regulus sighed. He wished he was back at the castle. There was nothing to do here except wait for the game to begin, and even then, he wasn’t interested in watching quidditch.

Finally, after another ten minutes of soul sucking boredom, the crowd fell silent and matching teams of red and blue filed onto the pitch. Regulus recognized the small Gryffindor seeker, tucked way back and almost hidden in the shadows of the taller members.

He hoped they lost. If only just to see Rose Abbott get what she deserved.

A whistle pierced through the air suddenly and the teams kicked off.

In a major twist of events, Pandora loved quidditch. It was actually a bit funny to watch. She kept her eyes fixed on the game the whole time, sighing and gasping dramatically when a player had a close call or someone scored a goal.

Watching her reactions was probably more fun than actually watching the game. She never tried to hide anything she was thinking. At one point, a Ravenclaw beater sent a blunger directly aimed at the Gryffindor keeper's head and by Pandora's reaction, you would think someone had just stepped on one of her precious bugs.

“FOUL!!’ She screamed, jumping up and causing the surrounding Slytherins to glare and cover their ears. It was extremely amusing.

“You scare me,” Regulus told her, in a mixture of horror and admiration.

Pandora just smiled back, resuming her watch.

James was a good chaser, Regulus had to admit. He watched him for a bit, analyzing the way he moved and turned on a dime. He was extremely fast, and precise. He moved very meticulously, darting in and out of narrow openings to snatch the quaffle.

He was responsible for over half the goals Gryffindor scored. A bit of a show off, but Regulus couldn’t begrudge him that. It was mesmerizing to watch.

Dorcas wasn’t half bad either, scoring six goals herself and going toe to toe with James more than once.

At one point, in a particularly nasty fight between James and Dorcas for the quaffle, Regulus swore James was about to smack her, he looked so pissed. The commentator had a field day with that one, cracking a joke about James being ready to throw down and drawing out a laugh from the crowd. Eventually, another Gryffindor chaser came to the rescue and snatched the ball out from between them.

After another half hour, Rose Abbott caught the snitch, winning the game for Gryffindor much to Regulus’s despair.

The stadium went up in a roar and dozens of red cloaked figures stormed the pitch, lifting the team up and cheering as they landed. Regulus caught his brother in the midst of it, arms high soaking in the attention before reaching into the crowd and pulling Mary out, pressing a long kiss to her face.

Regulus turned away in disgust at that. It was bad enough he had to date a muggleborn, but kissing her in front of everyone? It was just demeaning. Walburga would have an aneurysm if she could see him now.

“Let’s go,” he said, turning to Pandora and wanting nothing more than to get away from this damn pitch. Now. His brother was making a fool of himself and he wanted no part in it.

Chapter Text

​​Saturday, November 22

James couldn’t remember having a worse headache. It had been one of those nights where he woke up six times, gasping for water like a fish on dry land and watching the ceiling spin before falling back into a drunken sleep.

Thank god it was a Saturday.

Last night was a haze of smoke and music. Remus and Peter had organized a party for them after the match, regardless of who won. Since Gryffindor did win, it was an absolute hit, some of the Ravenclaws even came over. Most notably Dorcas. James had talked to her for a bit before the alcohol took over. She was really kind actually, not at all what James had expected of someone who Marlene adored.

And speaking of Marlene, she had hit it off with Dorcas. James was pretty sure they had talked almost all night, stuck in a corner of the room with a bottle of firewhiskey, at least until Mary dragged her away, since Sirius was ignoring her to dance on a table with Remus, Bowie blaring in the background.

He smiled at the memory. Remus was a whole different person when he was drunk, it was greatly entertaining. And of course, Peter egged them on, pouring out shots and dutifully switching out the records to play whatever song had been requested. Really it was Peter’s fault that James was so hungover. Bloody menace he was.

It was half past eleven when James rolled out of bed, wincing at the drawn curtains and putting a hand up to block the sun rays. Sirius was still asleep, shocking absolutely no one. He was almost falling out of bed, his long hair sprawled everywhere while the person it belonged to was flung across the bed half covered in twisted sheets.

Apparently the sun didn’t bother him, even though the curtains around his bed were strung up and there was a direct line of light shining on his face.

Peter's bed was empty and made up, so at least one of his friends was awake. Remus was presumably still asleep. The curtains around his bed were drawn and there was a light snoring sound droning out from behind them.

James rubbed his head and made his way to the bathroom on unsteady feet. He tried his hardest to be quiet, but coordination was not his strong suit at that particular moment and as he shut the bathroom door and reached for his toothbrush, the cup that contained it went clattering to the floor, shattering on impact and making possibly the loudest sound James had ever heard.

He winced and instinctively patted his pockets for his wand to clean it up. Of course, it wasn’t there. Probably lying on his bed or table instead.

With a sigh, he creaked the bathroom door open and stepped deftly around the pile of glass shards to retrieve it. Sirius cracked one eye open at him while he searched his sheets.

“Nice going,” he mumbled sleepily.

James smiled sheepishly and plucked the thin wand from below his pillow.

After another walk back to the bathroom silently, he closed the door and muttered a repairing spell. It was shoddy work and the glass was all wonky but the cup repaired itself. James plucked it from the ground and put it back on the counter, resuming his attempt at brushing his teeth.

Twenty minutes later he was showered, and feeling vaguely human again, though absolutely famished.

Lunch wasn’t for another hour and in this state, James didn’t feel particularly thrilled at spending it in the great hall.

Instead, he pocketed the marauders map and meandered down the stairs. After a quick scan, he determined Filch was on the opposite side of the castle and he was safe.

The halls were emptier than usual. It made sense, it was probably one of the last sunny days they were going to get before the gloom of winter settled in for the long haul, so everyone was outside, soaking up the rays.

Made it easier for James. He walked slowly down to the kitchens, clutching his head and half wishing he had just stayed in bed.

When he arrived at his destination, he checked the map once more before stopping in front of the pear painting and whipping his wand out to poke it.

It swung inwards instantly, James had done this many times before, and he stepped through, into the bustling crowd of house elves that gaped at him.

“Master Potter, some tea?”

“Scones?”

“We have Jam!”

They were almost falling over themselves to help but James waved them off, picking up a sandwich from a tall platter of them and nodding before exiting the kitchens. He really didn’t like going down there, preferring to send Peter instead.

The sight of the elves always made him a little sad, he had never grown up with elves and taking advantage of their service and willingness to please felt predatory and wrong. They did make excellent food though.

Back in the hallway, James took a bite of the sandwich. It was phenomenal, as expected. Ham and Swiss, with crispy lettuce and ripe tomatoes. Possibly the best thing he had ever eaten, but maybe that was just the hangover talking. He savoured it for a moment before looking down at the map again.

What now? He didn’t want to go back to the dorm since Remus and Sirius were still sleeping. He could start on homework but that was boring. Outside was a contender but there would be so many people and that meant noise and light that would surely exacerbate his headache.

He was shuffling through the map, contemplating the options when a name caught his eye. Brilliant. He smiled and shoved the map away, taking another bite of the sandwich as he started off towards the greenhouses.

————

Pandora was slacking off again. It was no big deal really, Regulus could do the work himself but if she got near him with that jar of ladybugs again he was going to lose it.

The last hour, she had been meticulously collecting them. For what, Regulus had no earthly idea. Probably some strange experiment, or simply to keep as pets. He didn’t really want to know.

Once she saw the first one, it was game over. Regulus knew he couldn’t expect her help for the rest of the afternoon.

As such, she puttered around the greenhouse, meticulously checking every stem, leaf and vine for ‘hidden gems’, as she called them. Her jar was already a quarter full of the squirming things, crawling over each other.

And the way Pandora looked at them, you would think she had found gold or something. Though, he supposed to her, it was the same thing.

She was in the far corner now, on her knees and rifling through a large fern with the jar in hand when the greenhouse door opened. She didn’t even turn, fully focused on the hunt. Regulus did though, he whipped around, wand in hand to see who was intruding, expecting Professor Sprout or a lost student, instead, he found James with a sandwich in one hand a map in the other and wearing an extremely cocky smile.

“Hello,” he started, closing the door behind him and leaning up against one of the potting tables like he hadn’t a care in the world .

“Are you insane? Go away,” Regulus hissed, taking a step forward. He wasn’t sure what game James was playing at but he wanted no part in it. They met once a week, in the astronomy tower far away from anyone else. Regulus liked it that way. He couldn’t have anything tying him to James in public. Being seen with a Gryffindor, let alone Sirius’s best friend would be suicide.

“Well, we missed our lesson Tuesday and I didn’t want to fall behind.”

Regulus had the sudden urge to smack that self-assured grin off James face. “I’m not giving you a damn French lesson right now!”

James ignored him and took a bite of his sandwich instead. “Hi, Pandora.”

“Hello James,” she responded, still not taking her attention from the plant.

“Pandora doesn’t mind. And I can just sit here while you do….whatever it is your doing. Just quiz me while you work.”

Regulus stared at him. Where the hell did James get the confidence?

“No.”

“Shame,” James yawned, “oh well, I’m not going anywhere so we can just talk then I guess.”

“No.”

“Oh, come on Regulus, aren’t we friends? This is what friends do.”

Was it? Regulus didn’t have many friends. There was Evan and Barty, though Regulus had always thought that was more because of forced proximity, them being roommates and all. They would certainly never pull whatever stunt James was trying to. And Pandora. Regulus counted her as a friend, they spent time together, talked sometimes, but usually just enjoyed being around the other. He was certain she wouldn’t do this either.

Regardless, he really had no choice. And as long as no one else came in it would be fine. Right?

“Fine. Lock the door then, I don’t need it getting out that I’m fraternizing with the enemy.”

“The enemy?” James laughed, going to lock the door. “You hurt me.”

“It’s true,” Regulus muttered.

James shrugged. “Did you see the game then? I didn’t see you in the stands.”

Regulus turned away, focusing his attention back to the plant he was trimming. “Yeah I was there. You seemed a little preoccupied with showing off.”

Regulus didn’t need to see James' face to know he was smiling. James was always smiling. “ If you’ve got it, flaunt it, I suppose.”

It was a very James Potter thing to say. Always so damn confident and self-assured.

Pandora started humming in the background.

“Why are you really here?” Regulus asked. “What do you want?”

He could hear a slight flurry of movement and then James was at his table, leaning up against the wood, not even two feet away from Regulus. He instinctively took a step back, not liking anyone being that close.

“Why do you think I want something? Can I not just have a chat with my friend?”

There was that word again. Friend. Was that really how James saw them? It was so odd to Regulus. He surely wouldn’t classify them as friends, even if he had promised that they were. That had been weeks ago, and Regulus was drunk, so James couldn’t hold him to it.

If anything, Regulus would say they were acquaintances. Ok, so maybe he had told Barty and Evan that they were friends, but that was just because he didn’t want to have to explain the weird symbiotic relationship they had going on. And it wasn’t like Regulus disliked spending time with James, quite the opposite actually, he found he rather enjoyed it. But that was information that no one could torture out of him, and he was certainly not about to admit it to James.

“I suppose. But generally people that track me down in the middle of the day want something.” He gestured to the map sticking out of James pocket.

“Got many people tracking you down then?”

“None that do it quite so well as you.” It hadn’t meant to be a compliment, but James took it as one, his face lighting up.

Regulus frowned and decapitated one of the vines on his plant.

“So….. why are you here? This isn’t the first time we’ve met in the greenhouse.You just really like plants or something?” James waved a hand around, picking up a small leaf that Regulus had cut off.

Regulus looked up at him finally. He hadn’t really noticed it before but James was a fair amount taller than him, he actually had to look up when they were standing this close. He didn’t like it. It made him feel inferior.

Regulus crossed his arms. “Me and Pandora help out.”

“Why?”

“I like it here. It’s peaceful.”

“Hmmm,” James made a noise like he was thinking about that. “I think that’s possibly the only thing you’ve ever told me about yourself.”

“It is not.” Regulus didn’t like this conversation anymore. Not that he had in the first place but now it was even worse.

“Yeah, it is. You don’t ever talk about yourself.”

Ok, maybe James had a point there, but so what? Just because he didn’t feel the need to bare his heart to anyone who simply asked? It was his life, and if he didn’t want to share then he didn’t have to.

“So?” Regulus countered, shooting a glance to Pandora who was still hopelessly ensconced in her jar of ladybugs. No help coming from over there then.

“Nothing. Just an observation.” James was smiling again. Smiling like he knew something Regulus didn’t.

“Well stop observing me.”

“No.”

Regulus frowned. That was his line. What was with James today?

“Fine. If you insist on being here then you can work.” Regulus picked up a spare set of garden shears and shoved them into James hand. They were the bad ones, rusted and terribly dull, Regulus took great pleasure in that. James didn’t deserve the premium tools, even though Regulus used his wand, a simple severing spell rather than the clunky muggle instruments.

James finished the last bite of his sandwich and turned the rusted shears around in his hands. “What am I doing then?”

“You can do Pandora's work, trimming those plants.” Regulus gestured to the table opposite him, full of colourful pots overgrown with weeds.

James followed his gaze and deflated. “I hate Herbology.”

“Tough luck.”

James sighed and made a show of dragging himself to the table.

Regulus smirked into his plant.

————

Regulus didn’t leave for lunch, so in turn. James stayed too, he had the map and none of his friends would think to check the greenhouse for him in a million years. Actually, he was beginning to understand why Regulus liked the greenhouses so much. It was peaceful. Almost like a little bubble of silence, undisturbed by the chaos of the outside world.

James still hated the work, he found it dreadfully boring to stare at plants all day, snipping off all imperfections and impurities. Maybe that was why Regulus liked it so much. He was a stickler for cleanliness and purity in every other aspect of his life. Was it so much of a stretch to assume that Regulus was a perfectionist when it came to plants too?

And the conversation flowed steadily. Pandora eventually left, taking her jar of bugs with her and skipping off to lunch after waving goodbye to the two boys. It shocked James to see how close Pandora and Regulus were. He never would have guessed based on their public interactions, but seeing them in the greenhouse together, it was obvious they were incredibly tight knit.

Regulus was more talkative than James had ever seen too. He worked swiftly and efficiently, moving from plant to plant and staring at them, as if analyzing everything that needed to be done before actually doing it. Sometimes he stayed like that for ten minutes before making a move, but he continued talking all throughout.

They talked about quidditch, but Regulus swiftly grew tired of that so they moved onto other things. James talked about Remus’s lycanthropy, telling Regulus how they had found out during second year and decided right then that they were going to become animagus to help out, James told him about the previous full moon and how he had fallen asleep. Regulus had laughed at that before asking a bit more seriously if he had gotten over his ‘issues’. James knew he was referring to the panic attack the first night he transformed and he waved it off, not wanting to make it awkward. He still wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that. But that was almost everything with Regulus, James never knew where he stood. On so many different things.

But James trusted him. Fully and completely.

And he was a good listener, never interrupting or asking questions, just nodding along and waiting until James was done speaking to give his thoughts.

After that, James broached the topic of Sirius. Surprisingly, James didn’t get hexed instantly.

“What about him?” Regulus sighed, like he was already tired of this conversation.

“What’s going on with you two? It’s so bloody confusing trying to keep up.”

“You probably know better than I do, Sirius never could keep his mouth shut.”

James suppressed a laugh. It was true. Sometimes it was odd being around Regulus, a person who knew Sirius so well, yet had such a complicated relationship with him.

“Well….. I know he talked to you on the bridge a few weeks ago, tried to get you to leave?” James started cautiously.

Regulus nodded, though he kept his eyes locked firmly onto the plant he was currently observing.

“And now Sirius is thinking about going back for Christmas….”

That got his full attention. Regulus straightened instantly, snapping around with a look of horror.

“What?” It was said in such a cold, terrifying tone that James took the slightest step back. Regulus met his eyes and all James could see was fury.

“Yeah, he’s pretty dead-set on it,,” James answered wondering why this was such an issue. Surely Regulus would be happy his brother was making an effort?

“No, he can’t come back. You need to make him stay with you.” His voice had the slightest edge of panic now.

“Why?”

“James, please?”

There was something else at play here. Something Regulus knew that would make Sirius returning home a problem, why else would he be acting like this?

“Why?” James repeated, a sinking feeling taking root in his stomach.

Regulus stared back at him with an unreadable expression. “You just need to make him stay with you….ok?”

He turned back to the plant and James felt the air shift. It was a palpable change, and James knew he wouldn’t be getting any more answers from Regulus.

The intensity in his eyes scared him. There was something Regulus wasn’t saying. But how on earth was James supposed to convince Sirius to stay? He couldn’t very well reveal this conversation without opening a whole other can of worms. And Sirius was dead set on going back. It was a losing battle that James had been tasked with. And he didn’t understand why.

————

When James finally parted ways, half an hour before dinner, Regulus felt like he was going to puke. As the other boy waved goodbye and slipped into the crowded hallway, Regulus leaned against the potting table, heart hammering in his chest.

Why was Sirius coming back for Christmas? Was it for him? Was he still hell-bent on his fucking saviour protocol?

His mind was racing, spinning with thoughts, each one worse than the last. He couldn’t come back. Sirius had no idea what had happened during the summer while he’d been away. It would be chaos if he returned and found out.

They would kill him. Regulus knew his brother, he knew he couldn’t be trusted to stay silent about what he would witness if he was home for Christmas. And they would fucking kill him.

Regulus knew well where Sirius stood on the war, it wasn’t the same side as his family. Two years ago it was bad enough. So many fights and secrets. If Sirius returned to see what his parents were doing in their free time….what Regulus was doing…… they couldn’t possibly hide it this year, it was too big now.

No. He had to keep them separate, whatever the cost. Sirius had made his choice, Regulus just needed to make sure he stuck to it.

After skipping lunch, Regulus was starving. He went back down to the dorms to kill time before dinner.

Evan greeted him from the couch as he entered.

“Where’s the other half?” Regulus looked around the common room. It wasn’t often you found Evan without Barty, they were practically inseparable.

“Detention.”

Figures. Regulus took a seat beside him. “So how’d you get out of it?”

Evan chuckled. “How do you know I was involved?”

“You’re always involved.”

“True enough.” He put down the book he was reading, some green tome with gold lettering. “We blew up the toilets in the fourth floor bathrooms, Barty slipped on the way out and Slughorn got him.”

Regulus leaned back into the cushion, tired from being in the greenhouse all day. “And you just left him?”

It wasn’t an accusation, he was just curious.

“Yeah, not my fault he can’t run fast enough.”

He cracked a smile at that. “Is he coming for dinner then?”

Evan swivelled his head around lazily, searching for a clock. “Mmm, probably not.”

“Ok.”

Regulus got up to head to his room and Evan returned to his book. Neither of them were the type to talk for long, that was Barty’s job, keeping them all entertained. If he wasn’t here, then Regulus was going to go for a nap.

One thing he had found about being an animagus. It had pretty much cured his insomnia. Even as a child, he had always had issues sleeping. For the longest time he had been afraid of the dark, and his family being who they were, had never accepted that. They didn’t allow Sirius to sleep in his room, no matter how much he begged, so on the nights when Sirius didn’t sneak in, Regulus stayed awake, staring into the darkness and imagining all kinds of terrifying creatures lurking within.

Of course, that probably had something to do with his choice of books as a child.

Once he grew out of being afraid of the dark, it was the sun that kept him up. Any hint of light and he was awake. He needed complete darkness and silence to fall asleep and stay asleep. Trying to achieve that in a dorm with three other boys was near impossible, so Regulus had long ago accepted that being at Hogwarts meant his sleep would suffer. It was a trade he was willing to make.

But being in cat form fixed all of that. Now, he had the opposite issue, he didn’t want to wake up. It was so easy for him to fall asleep, only a matter of minutes, whereas before it had been hours.

And as it turned out, sleeping, now that he could, was one of Regulus’s favourite hobbies. He had to make up for lost time after all.

That was exactly what he did now. His roommates were used to it. Well, not Marcus, but the other two, and Regulus trusted Evan to wake him up for dinner.

————

How on earth was James supposed to convince Sirius to stay with him over Christmas? It was an impossible task. Like asking the sun to rise in the west instead. It was all the boy talked about now; getting Regulus out of that house.

James wasn’t even sure Regulus wanted to leave. In fact, he was almost convinced that he didn’t. Judging on his very obvious views of muggles and muggleborns (which James was pointedly ignoring every time he brought it up, hoping Regulus would get the hint and have some sense knocked into him), he subscribed to their whole family business.

But that was a problem for another day. Currently he needed to figure out why Regulus was so adamant that Sirius not come home. There had to be a reason apart from the general unpleasantness of the Black family. Regulus had sounded scared.

Remus greeted James as he stepped through the portrait. “Where’ve you been then?”

It was a pointed question, punctuated by Remus setting his quill down. Jame looked around the common room. Finding it empty, he took a seat on the ground next to Remus’s inkwell.

“In the greenhouse…with Regulus.”

To Remus’s credit he didn’t say anything, just raised a single eyebrow. James was glad of it. He didn’t have the energy to argue right now.

“Is Sirius still asleep?” James asked, fiddling with a stray piece of fabric on the carpet.

“Think so.”

Of course. Sirius would sleep through the end of the world if he could.

“What are you working on?”

Remus turned the parchment up for James to see. “Care of Magical Creatures, ten inches on the difference between Kneazles and house cats.”

“The hell is a Kneazle?”

Remus just laughed. “You should have taken this class, I actually think you would have liked it.”

“Hm, maybe next year.” James got up, being careful not to knock over the ink. “I’m going to wake up Sirius for dinner.”

Remus turned back to his parchment. “I’ll bury you by the ocean then? Somewhere nice.”

“Yes please.”

James was still smiling as he pushed into the dorm. Sirius was strewn across his bed, though his sheets were completely on the floor now. He wasn’t in his animagus form but James thought that he had never looked more like a dog.

As he watched Sirius sleep for a moment, deciding how to wake him up with minimal casualties, an idea popped into his head.

James smirked and promptly changed into his stag form, creeping forwards and being careful to stay as quiet as possible, a hard task, all things considered. When finally he was at the side of Sirius’s bed, he knelt down and exhaled as hard as he could into Sirius’s face.

The effect was instantaneous. The boy's eyes shot open, displaying unmasked fear, then confusion, then annoyance.

James reared back, avoiding the hand that shot up to smack him. Unfortunately, the dorm was not built for a stag and his antlers got twisted in the hanging curtains, pulling them all down and crumpling around James head like a blindfold.

He changed back and landed on the floor, howling with laughter. As he untangled the swath of fabric from his head, he found Sirius staring down at him, blinking sleep from his eyes and looking unimpressed.

“You’ve ruined my curtains.”

“Worth it though, you shoulda seen your face!”

“And your stupid…..prongs have left marks in my bed frame!” Sirius complained, looking around.

“Prongs?!”

“Yeah, your ….antlers or whatever!” His defence fell flat, James eyes were blurring with tears from how hard he was laughing.

“Bloody….prongs…” James wheezed.

Sirius threw a pillow at him as he got out of bed. James deflected it with one hand and got up, following Sirius as he plucked robes out of the trunk at the end of his bed and tossed them around.

“You know it's almost dinner, right? How on earth did you sleep so long?”

Sirius glared at him. “Not my fault none of you chose to wake me up.”

“Yeah, well, we all value our lives.”

“Whatever…”

James took a seat on the edge of his bed, frowning as he realized he had forgotten to make it up this morning.

“Sirius?”

The boy stopped rifling through his robes for a second and looked up, sensing the chance in James tone.

“Yeah?”

“Are you serious about going home for Christmas?”

“Why yes, I am Sirius.”

James sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, I am. Why?”

“I dunno, just don’t think it’s a good idea, is all.” James took the map out of his pocket and set it down on the edge of his bed, fiddling with a corner of it.

“It’ll be fine. Besides, a chance to torture my family? Can’t pass that up.”

This was going well.

“Ok, but…..what if you get really hurt again? Like-”

Sirius interrupted him, putting one hand up. “I’m not making the same mistake again. I left my brother in that house alone, what kind of fucking person does that make me?”

His eyes looked so pained and full of hurt, James stared at the carpet. He couldn’t argue any of this without outing his friendship with Regulus. Damn Regulus. He had saddled James with an impossible task and he wouldn’t even tell him why.

“Yeah…but-“

Sirius snatched up a clean robe and closed the trunk. “I’m too tired to argue this right now. Can we just go eat dinner and talk about this later?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius stalked over to the bathroom and James leaned back against his bed, his robes hitching up and surrounding his head. They smelled of earth and petrichor.

He stayed like that until Sirius was done in the bathroom, wondering how on earth he was going to manage convincing him. James believed Regulus, the boy had looked terrified when he learned Sirius was heading home. He knew something, and even if he wasn’t keen on sharing, James had to do something.

“Come on then, Prongs,” Sirius called, leaning up against the bathroom door.

James got up, leaving the map behind. “Prongs?”

“Yep, I’ve decided. It’s your nickname.”

“Sounds like you just don’t know what antlers are…”

“Piss off.” Sirius laughed, shoving him lightly and starting down the stairs.

James smiled, shooting one more look into the dorm before following his best friend down the stairs.

Chapter Text

Sunday, November 23

On Sunday, James convinced his friends to head down to Hogsmeade with him. He had to buy some new quills since all of his had magically disappeared, and taking a peek into Zonko’s never hurt either.

They spent the better part of the morning in Zonkos after James had gotten his quills. Remus in particular was enjoying browsing the store. James even saw him pocket a couple things, looking around before subtly slipping them into his pocket.

James paid no mind to it, instead noting what he took so he could pay for it up front. He didn’t condone stealing, but Sirius and Remus loved doing it. James had no idea why. Both of them had more than enough money to buy whatever they pleased. He suspected they just liked the thrill. James always paid for whatever they stole, so he saw no harm in it.

Finally, just before lunch, they left and went to the three broomsticks for a round of butterbeers, their wallets considerably lighter.

It had finally snowed the night before, so the ground was covered in a thick layer of powder, prompting Peter to start a snowball fight.

The first one hit Sirius dead in the face, scattering into his hair and robes.

“Oi!” Sirius yelled, dropping his bag to wipe the flakes from the side of his face and scurrying behind a bench for cover.

James' face lit up and he joined Sirius, dividing the group into teams. Remus and Peter quickly began rolling up snowballs. Behind the bench, Sirius did the same.

His hands were freezing as he packed together the icy powder. Taking a peek out from behind the bench, James lobbed one at Peter. It struck him in the shoulder and he laughed it off, ducking to grab the snowball Remus was holding up for him.

It was chaos after that. Sirius and James were quickly driven out of their cover and into the open battleground.

Chunks of snow were flying in every direction, though Peter was winning. He had scarily accurate aim.

The fight only ended when Peter turned on Remus, pitching a heavy snowball at his head while he was targeting James.

“Traitor!” Remus yelled, turning to tackle Peter into the snow.

Sirius and James laughed, starting forwards to pull Remus off and save Peter from the barrage of snow that Remus was flinging.

“Come on then, up we go!” James called, helping Peter up and brushing some snow off his shoulder.

“Thanks,” he panted, red cheeked and breathless but smiling ear to ear.

“Wanker!” Remus called, grinning and stepping forwards, a crazed look in his eyes.

“All right that’s enough!” Sirius stepped in, stopping Remus as he crouched down to roll one more snowball. “Come on, I’m gonna catch my death out here.”

It started to snow again as they made their way to the Three Broomsticks. By the time they arrived, all four of them were covered in the stuff. It clung to Sirius’s long hair and caught on their red scarves.

The wave of heat fogged James' glasses up as he stepped inside. Instantly, the snow began to melt, trickling in beads down his face.

They claimed the only empty table in the corner. Peter set his bag down before walking off to grab their drinks.

“Bloody hell, you’d think it's Christmas already with how crowded this place is today!” Sirius exclaimed, pulling off his outer cloak and shaking it to let the melted snow fall into a puddle at his feet.

James nodded in agreement. It was busy. Almost every table was full of students, though he caught sight of Professor Slughorn in the opposite corner, standing in front of a table of bored looking students, his arms waving frantically as he spoke.

“Almost.” Remus chimed in, looking thoughtful. “ Oh, James, am I coming to yours for the holiday?”

“Obviously!” James said, reaching out a hand to take one of the butterbeers that Peter had just returned with.

“You too, Pete?”

The boy sat down and passed the drinks around. “What?”

“Coming to mine for Christmas?”

“Oh, yeah. My parents are heading into London for the holidays so I’ve got the place to myself. Might just stay at yours though.”

James nodded. Peter lived just next door so it only made sense for him to stay over.

He took a sip of his drink then, swallowing the sugary liquid as it warmed him from the inside out. Sirius looked rather glum at the current conversation, his drink sitting untouched. James frowned. Only Sirius would think to be pissy right now. Never mind the fact that he was not being forced to spend Christmas with his family. It was his own damn choice. James swallowed the words, it wouldn’t do any good right now, Sirius clearly just wanted to be in a mood.

“Right. Well, first order of business. We need a prank to send off the holidays.” That was always a safe subject, and they had been severely lacking this year.

Remus leaned in, a playful smile tugging at his cheeks. “Mistletoe.”

All three of them perked up at this. Intrigued, James set his cup down and nodded. “Explain to the counsel…”

“Ok, so they always put up a bunch of mistletoe around the castle, right? It's a part of the Christmas decorations. I’m proposing we put our excellent charms skills to use and charm the plants to attack anyone who stands under it. Especially if they’re snogging”

He sat back with a satisfied look. James was impressed. “You’ve been cooking this up for a bit then?”

Remus nodded.

“Bloody menace…. I love it.”

“Me too,” Sirius chimed in, looking less grumpy now that they were onto the subject of causing chaos, something Sirius excelled in.

“Ok, then, it’s decided. Last day of term is the 19th so we can do it the weekend before, leaving a whole five days to reap the rewards.”

“Perfect.” James smiled and took a sip of his drink.

“Oh fuck me.” Sirius looked past James, a concerned frown playing on his lips. He attempted to duck down and hide.

James whirled around, trying to pinpoint what he was so agitated over. It wasn’t hard. Mary was stalking over, Marlene a few steps behind her with folded arms.

“SIRIUS BLACK!” She screeched, stopping just at the end of their table and looking positively enraged. “YOU BLEW ME OFF AGAIN!”

Peter snorted into his drink and Remus backed up, holding his hands up to show he had absolutely nothing to do with this. James almost felt like doing the same, Mary was a bit scary when she was mad, she was always so sweet, so seeing her pissed off was really something.

“YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE BUSY WITH HOMEWORK AND NOW YOU’RE BLOWING ME OFF TO PLAY HOOKY HERE?” She continued, her face red with exertion. Marlene was grimacing into her cloak behind her.

James kept his eyes fixed on the worn wooden table, better than risking Mary’s wrath. After all, he probably could have avoided this display if he had remembered to talk to Sirius following the last quidditch match.

The hall was silent now, save Mary’s angered shouts. Every eye in the place was on them, which usually James enjoyed, but right now it was pretty awkward. Sirius noticed this too, and straightened up. His demeanor changed instantly.

“Am I not allowed to have my own time? Bloody hell, it’s like having a fucking dog trailing behind me. ‘Don’t do this Sirius, spend more time with me’,” he mocked, “I’m so over it. Shove off.” He took a sip of his own drink, leaning back like it was nothing.

James was a bit taken aback by his reaction. It was unlike Sirius to be so rude, he generally had more tact. And he liked Mary, didn’t he? James thought he did, but looking back now, maybe he had seen it a bit wrong?

Actually, yeah, he definitely had. Sirius had been rather rude to her for a while now, blowing her off at the party, ignoring her during meals. But if that was how he felt then why not just end it? Poor Mary being strung along, clueless. James actually felt bad for her.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Mary’s voice was dead-calm now. “Fuck you. We’re over! FUCK YOU!”

Her hand darted out and swiped all of their drinks off the table, sending them crashing to the floor in a wave of glass and liquid, before she turned and stomped away. Marlene lingered a second longer to shoot Sirius a disapproving shake of her head before following her friend.

“Bloody hell mate. Couldn’t have done that a bit more….tactful?” Remus asked, staring longing at the shattered cups on the ground.

Sirius just shrugged. “She’s been so damn clingy, I couldn’t stand it. Sure, she was fun to snog, but that’s about it.”

James raised an eyebrow. “Still, you were pretty harsh on her.”

“Oh well.”

Gradually, the volume in the pub increased again, though the majority of the people were still staring at them.

Sirius took one more look around before standing up.

“Fuck it, let’s go,’ he snapped, looking around and grabbing his cloak. “Shows over!” He called to the crowd before stalking outside.

Remus caught James' eye and shot him a questioning look.

James didn’t even know what to say. Whatever had just happened was clearly Sirius lashing out. But why? Everything had been fine, hadn't it? “Uhhh, let’s go then I guess.”

The watchful eyes followed them outside where Sirius was waiting, scuffing his boots angrily into the snow.

Remus stepped up, wordlessly pulling out a pack of cigarettes and handing one over before sticking a second one between his lips. Sirius lit it, his wand shooting a plume of fire that could easily have burnt off eyebrows.

They settled into pairs as they headed back to the castle, Remus and Sirius chain-smoking silently in front and Peter and James trailing behind, also quiet. James really didn’t have anything to say and Peter obviously felt the same.

When they reached the entrance to the great hall, Sirius stubbed his third cigarette out and stalked off, making it clear he wanted to be alone. James half wanted to follow and shake some sense into him but stayed rooted in place instead. He didn’t want a fight and Sirius was clearly looking for one.

Remus turned around. “Okay…..” He said slowly, “Care to explain what that was about?”

It was directed at James, and Peter followed his gaze, staring expectantly at James.

What was he supposed to say? He wasn’t the Sirius-whisperer.

“I dunno, ask him yourself.” James snapped back, sounding harsher than he meant to. Why was it that they always assumed he knew what Sirius was feeling?

“Fucking moody lot today, aren’t we?” Remus responded, the sides of his mouth turning up in amusement.

“Sorry, I’m just…. There’s a lot going on. I’m gonna go talk to Sirius.”

James made his apologies and then went off down the hallways Sirius had left down. He didn’t actually mean to find Sirius, there had been more than enough fighting for today. He turned off at the first corner instead, finding an empty classroom to sit in.

Why did everything have to be so complicated?

————

Regulus really wasn’t in the mood to talk. Since learning of Sirius’s plans, he felt constantly on edge. Nothing good would come of it, it would just cause more problems and headaches for him.

Yeah, he missed his brother, but not in the way that he actually wanted him to come back, just in the way that a sibling did, longing for something that could never be real again. Their talk on the bridge had just been a moment of weakness, a lapse in judgement and childish nostalgia.

When Regulus really reflected, he found that the previous summer had actually been a breath of fresh air. It would have been nice for Sirius to give him a heads-up, or even just send a letter, but regardless, it was so quiet without Sirius. Refreshing to not wake up to screaming and consistent family drama. Regulus didn’t want that back, even if a part of him missed his brother.

And it was all so stupid, Regulus was tired of cleaning up Sirius’s mess. It always fell to him, every time he came home and inevitably caused problems, it fell to Regulus to clean it up, to assuage their parents' anger, to talk Sirius down. He was so damn tired of it all.

If only Sirius could just stay away, then maybe they would have a chance to try and fix their disaster of a relationship. But he never could. He always came back and made more of a mess.

Regulus was sure he could do better, if only Sirius stayed away. Then their parents would realize that they already had the perfect child, one who wanted the responsibility and would do anything to please their parents.

Regulus resented Sirius for that, he had everything Regulus wanted and tossed it away carelessly, making himself the martyr for being different. He wasn’t a damn martyr, he was a spoiled fool who didn’t know how good he had it. And now he was coming back again, sure to cause more drama, not to mention the meeting that was happening over Christmas break.

Walburga had been setting up this meeting for months now, she wouldn’t let Sirius endanger her goals, and he most certainly would. And despite everything, all the resentment and anger Regulus held, he didn’t want to see Sirius hurt.

The worst part was, he couldn’t even do anything about it. Sirius didn’t trust him anymore. He thought Regulus was brainwashed by their parents and he was doing him a favour by coming home. He was truly deluded enough to think he was doing the right thing. So Regulus had to trust that James Potter could convince him. It was a tall order, trying to convince Sirius of anything, but if anyone could do it, it was James.

Five years now, they had been inseparable. Ever since Sirius’s first year at Hogwarts. Regulus had to hear all about it through letters. James freaking Potter. He was a god in Sirius’s eyes.

Frustrated, Regulus put his quill down and sighed. He wanted a nap. The library was so quiet and still, it was making him tired. He’d only been there for the last hour, attempting to get caught up on various assignments and more importantly, getting away from the whirlwind of chaos that were his roommates.

He couldn’t focus though. It was almost too quiet, and the stress of the upcoming holidays was weighing on him. The days were trickling away fast, and the closer Christmas got, the more Regulus worried.

It was his life on the line too. Walburga had emphasized that this meeting was not only for his parents, but for him too. He had to make a good impression and if Sirius was budging in, it would make that all the more difficult.

Fucking Sirius, always making a right mess of everything that was important to Regulus. And he truly believed he was doing the right thing too.

Regulus looked down at his parchment; an essay on the different uses of bezoars. Ink had splotched on his last word, he was gripping the quill too tight.

Disgusted with himself he crumpled the whole thing up and vanished it with a wave of his wand. If he couldn't do it right then he was going to do it all over again.

Fuck it. He gathered his things and left the library.

He really had no plan in mind, the common room would be full of students, the library was too quiet, it was snowing outside so that was an automatic no. He considered the greenhouse, but having spent almost all day there yesterday, there was nothing left to be done until next week.

With no plan, Regulus wandered the castle aimlessly, observing students silently.

It was absolutely miserable outside, the light morning snow turned into a full-blown blizzard as the day went on and showed no sign of letting up. Even within the thick stone walls, he could feel the chill. It was days like this he was glad to be a Slytherin. The dungeons held heat well, being so far underground.

“Regulus.” A familiar, dreamy voice sounded from behind him, and he turned his gaze away from the window.

Pandora was walking up, her long blond hair flowing down her shoulders.

“Hello,” he greeted her politely.

“What are you doing?” She looked around, with a mild, uninterested look in her eyes.

“Nothing, why?”

“It’s the perfect weather for snow-capped Budgles! Will you come with me?”

Regulus sighed internally. Of course Pandora wanted to go look for some odd bug in the middle of a snowstorm.

“It’s cold.”

“Please! I’ll give you a warming charm. And you’re not doing anything else!” She was so excited, her pale eyes shining with anticipation.

Fuck. He had walked right into that one.

“Pandora you can’t even see two feet in front of you out there, you’re not going to find any bugs,” he tried, a last ditch attempt.

“That’s ok,” she waved her hand, brushing him off. “I have to at least try!”

There was no arguing with her once she was in this mood. Regulus figured he would have better luck talking to a teaspoon.

“Fine. You owe me though…” he resigned. It had to be better than walking around the castle until dinner.

“Ok!” She chirped, taking his arm and not flinching when he pulled it back immediately.

Regulus was dead wrong. If given the choice, he would rather walk naked over hot coals than spend another afternoon looking for beetles with Pandora.

It was absolutely hell. He was freezing, the wind biting into his skin despite the warming spell. Six times he lost his way in the storm and he tripped into a snowbank more than once.

Pandora had absolutely no trouble, acting like it was a summer day, the snow just a mild inconvenience. She even started humming in the middle of the whirling flakes while Regulus shivered beside her.

Two hours later after an hour and a half of Regulus complaining, they headed back inside. She hadn’t found a single bug, Regulus truthfully didn’t think they even existed and he had just wasted his afternoon freezing for no good reason. It didn’t deter her one bit though.

“Maybe the storm wasn’t bad enough for them?” She pondered as Regulus stood dripping and exhausted in the entryway.

Not bad enough?! She was actually insane.

“Well, as thrilling as this has been, I need to go and obliviate this event from my mind,” Regulus told her through clenched teeth.

The joke went over her head, as they usually did.

“Ok! Bye Regulus!” She smiled and skipped away.

Once she was gone, Regulus headed down to the dungeons, feeling overly uncomfortable in his damp clothes and rethinking his choice of friends.

————

Thursday, November 27

Sirius was possibly the most emotionally stunted person James had ever met. He didn’t blame him, being raised in the Black household was bound to make anyone a little crazy, but it was getting out of hand.

The entire week since he broke up with Mary, he had been in a foul mood. He pulled reckless stunts, getting detention more than once for a mis-timed dungbomb or skipping a class to wander around aimlessly. He started arguments for no reason and was just generally miserable, even snapping at James a few times.

James didn’t let it get to him, he was good at brushing such things off and he knew Sirius didn’t really mean it. Nevertheless he steered clear of conversations about the holidays, even though the clock was ticking and Christmas was steadily getting closer.

He didn’t really understand why Sirius was in such a mood. It certainly wasn’t because of Mary, he had made that abundantly clear by the cold and detached breakup. It was probably because of Christmas but that was a choice Sirius was making himself, so why make everyone around him miserable?

Maybe James was just too well-adapted to understand such things.

Contrasting Sirius, however, was Remus, in one of the best moods James had seen him in since the start of the year. He chalked that up to Christmas as well. The full moon fell on December 18 this year, the day before Christmas break, so Remus could spend the full two weeks of holidays at James, something that hadn’t happened before. Usually he was cutting his break short to spend the full moon at Hogwarts. As lovely as James' parents were, even they weren’t equipped to house a werewolf.

Their prank was making substantial progress as well, with the help of Peter’s charms abilities they were close to solving it, just a small issue with the severity of the bites. Currently, the plants they charmed were leaving gouges in the skin of their victims. Probably useful if James had an enemy he wanted to hurt, but for a silly prank it was far too much. They wanted slight nibbles. Peter was working on it, promising he was close to a solution.

In James' opinion, the only bad thing about the winter months was the lack of quidditch. It was put on hold until after the break, which meant no more morning practice sessions with Marlene. Apart from his routine being off, he actually missed Marlene. The two girls sat as far away from Sirius as possible at meals now. He didn’t blame them, but he missed Marlene's quick wit, she always had a comeback for everything, and meals were quieter without them. Not by much, but still.

“….and with your OWLS this year, you should all be studying hard,” McGonagall was saying from the front of the classroom. Her beady eyes swept around the class and lingered on James and Sirius.

James fixed her with an over-confident grin and she sighed. All the teachers had been droning on and on about OWLS since the start of the year, it was old news by now.

“Moving on. Each of you has a silver water goblet in front of you. By the end of this class I would like to see 30 mice. Using the spell from Monday you all should have no trouble. Commence.” She waved her hand and went to take a seat.

James eyed his own goblet warily before turning to Sirius. “Oi, what’s the spell again?”

Sirius lifted his head from the desk, surveying the room before putting it back down. “I’m bored, let’s blow something up?”

“What? No, not in Transfiguration!”

Sirius knew that. They never caused any problems in her class. She was a good teacher, and she would absolutely murder them if she caught even the slightest whiff of foul play. Like detention for months.

“Boring.” Sirius just closed his eyes again.

James frowned, leaning back in his chair to whisper to Remus. “Spell please?”

“VertoVera. What’s up with him?” Remus jabbed his wand in the direction of Sirius’s slumped figure.

James shrugged. “Christmas?” He suggested quietly. Remus nodded knowingly and turned back to his water goblet. Beside him, Peter leaned in, probably asking what James had wanted.

The spell was actually pretty easy. The hand movement was the hardest part but once he figured out that it was just the reverse of a spell they learned in first year, it got easier. His mouse was squeaking away happily before class was over.

“I’m not doing this for you,” James whispered, poking Sirius with his wand. “Come on, you can’t just sleep all class, McGonagall is watching.”

It was true, she was perched at her desk like a hawk, surveying the classroom with a tight frown.

“Fine.” With great effort, Sirius lifted his head from the desk, produced his wand and in one fluid motion, transformed his goblet into a small brown field mouse. Then he put his head down, hiding behind a wall of black curls.

James sighed but said nothing. If Sirius wanted to be in a mood then fine, but he needed to get it through his head that he was responsible for making his own choices. And stop making everyone around him unhappy.

When they returned from dinner that night (a dismal affair) there was a letter waiting for James. He broke out into a big grin upon seeing it, rushing over to untie it and pet the owl that had delivered it. He knew exactly who it was from, his mother. She always wrote around this time to confirm holiday plans.

Sitting down on his bed, he ripped the white envelope open, shivering as Remus opened the window to let the owl back out.

Dear James,

Hope you get this soon with all the bleak weather this month. If you could write back to let me know who’s all coming for Christmas?

We’ll pick you up at Kings Cross, 2pm on the Friday. It’s cold, so wear a jumper.

Love, Mum

It was short and to the point but he loved it, he loved all her letters. He kept every one in a box under his bed. It was bursting at this point so he was planning on charming it the next time he went home.

The owl had already flown off, but James pulled out his quill to scrawl a reply. He could send it tomorrow.

“Peter, I’m just gonna tell Mum you’re staying with us, Ok?”

Peter nodded, not looking up from his book. In the corner, Sirius scoffed.

“Mate, no one is forcing you to go home, just come to James and stop being miserable,” Remus cut in before James had the chance to say anything.

“I’m not miserable.”

“Yeah. Ok. You’ve been walking around with a permanent storm cloud over your head. I’m surprised you haven’t been electrocuted, it’s that dark.”

“Oh, piss off. I have a right to be upset, heading back to the Black family home of horrors,” he replied angrily.

James sat back and watched the argument unfold. Normally this is where he would step in to keep the peace, but Sirius needed to hear it, maybe it would change his mind.

“No one is making you!” Remus replied, voice dripping in annoyance.

“Oh, yeah, that’s right. You’re all just fine with me leaving my brother to become a carbon copy of my parents.”

James wasn’t. But it was hardly the time to say that. Whatever conclusion Sirius had come to about Regulus he was pretty sure it was wrong. James spent a fair amount of time with him, he wasn’t anything like how Sirius described their parents. And besides, he doubted Sirius could fix that if he was. As much as James loved him, he tended to make everything worse when it came to his family.

“Sounds like he’s already there. Maybe just let it be?” Remus’s voice was softer now.

“Yeah, please mate, just come with us for Christmas. You can resume whatever…this… is after.” James waved his hand at Sirius.

“No.”

James saw where Regulus got his stubbornness from.

Peter set his book down, though James knew he wasn’t reading it anymore. “Sirius, you’re only making yourself miserable. Do you really want to spend two weeks at home?”

“Yeah, come on, just come to mine. We can figure it out. Surely your only option is not that.”

“I have to.”

James shook his head. Whatever was waiting for him at home could not be good. James had the distinct feeling that he was watching his best friend walk into a hornets nest. There was a reason Regulus was so against it.

Remus looked away. “Your funeral,” he muttered.

“It is, thank you very much!” Sirius snapped, getting up and snatching his cloak before exiting the room, slamming the door behind him.

“God, I wish he would stop acting like such a martyr,” Peter said.

James felt the need to defend him. Even if he was making the wrong choices, Sirius was still their friend. “He’s doing what he thinks is right, I can’t fault him for that.”

A long sigh. “Yeah, that’s the problem though, isn’t it?”

Yeah. It was.

Chapter Text

Tuesday, December 2

Pandora was six when she had her first vision. She didn’t know it at the time, and with her parents reassuring her it was just a dream, she tried to put it out of her mind. It didn’t go away though. The images of hot, sticky blood, flowing like a river through her hands would never fully leave. They were always present, just at the back of her mind. Another piece of the puzzle, the bigger picture that she was never able to see clearly.

Somehow she had known it was her future. With her small fingers barely being able to fit around a cup, she had still known those hands were hers. It had scared her, more than anything else. More than the stories their cousin told of child-snatchers and dragons. More than the river that flowed through the back of their family home, the one that had claimed the life of her younger brother when he was three.

She had seen that too. His red jumper floating in the violent waters, face down, blond hair fanning out around him, his limp body dripping as their father lifted him onto the shore. No one had believed her then either.

Over the years, the dream reoccurred. Sometimes there was more, like a flash of black robes, or a glimpse of dark hair but usually it stayed the same. She was kneeling on the ground and someone else’s blood was in her hands.

Even now, years later, she could recall it perfectly. The smell of iron, a whispered breeze tickling her cheek, her mouth dry with the faint hint of bile. She remembered it all, down to the minute detail. Except for the sound. In all her visions, she never heard anything. Just a calm, unnerving silence, like someone had cut the audio completely.

It was that same dream that woke Pandora up that night. She wasn’t scared anymore, not of that. It was the only thing that never changed in her life. It was her future, one way or another, and she would face it accordingly.

No, what had woken her up this time was the ring. His ring, the one with the Black Family crest on it, the one he wore everyday, on his middle finger. It was on the hand that had reached out to her. And that terrified her.

She had woken up in a panic, fear filling her lungs like air. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

Being a seer wasn’t a gift. Evan had called it that once, when she finally told him. He was wrong, it was a fucking curse. She was cursed to see the future, powerless to change anything.She still tried of course, not that it mattered much, but it was all she had.

Pandora was becoming a healer. Top of her class. She liked to think it helped, learning to heal things, to fix what was broken, even knowing she couldn’t fix the things that mattered. Like Evan. She could never fix that. He would die. Soon in the long scheme of things, and nothing Pandora would ever say or do could change that. So instead, like Madam Pomfrey suggested, she put it out of her mind, focusing on learning to heal broken fingers and mend cuts.

As she clutched her knees, gasping for air in the stifling tower, the jar of ladybugs glowed faintly on her bedside table. Evan had charmed them for her, knowing how much she loved the little bugs. If she pretended hard enough, she could almost see the nightlight from home. The one her mother had gotten her for her tenth birthday. It was a similar jar, but full of fireflies that were bewitched to never die. Of course, this jar wasn’t the same. These ladybugs would be let free. Pandora wouldn’t make them die in there, dancing for her entertainment until the oxygen ran out. It would be cruel. They would be released tomorrow, she promised, staring at the faint glow of the jar while her breathing returned to normal.

Down in the dungeons, Evan woke from his dreams with a start.

————

Sirius’s mood didn’t improve much over the next week. He was still bouncing between destructiveness and sulking. It was a nightmare to deal with if James was being honest. He loved Sirius like a brother, but if he started one more fight in the great hall, James was going to empty a bowl of soup over his head.

He was starting to actually look forward to the classes he had alone, as horrible as he felt to admit it, even if it was just in his mind.

By the time Tuesday afternoon rolled around, he was glad to be rid of him for a few hours. Madam Pomfrey offered an advanced course for students wishing to go into the healing field, or, in James case, just wanting some general knowledge on it. James had taken it just to have something to fill his time with, and he figured it was a useful skill to have. Sirius didn’t think the same and took a free period instead.

James actually found the class fascinating, enough so that he was seriously considering it as a career. It was only offered to those in the last three years of their studies, and as such, the class was a group of mixed ages. Pandora was in it too, though she was a newer addition, sometime after Halloween this year. James had a pretty good idea why.

They met in the hospital wing for most classes, Madam Pomfrey produced chairs with a flick of her wand and cast a silencing spell around the group, so as not to disturb any of her patients. Often, it felt like more of a study group than a class, but it was nice.

Half the students were already there when James arrived, two minutes early and breathless from the run across the castle. He spotted Pandora sitting at the far end of the circle of chairs, her legs crossed and looking more tired than usual.

“Hi,” James smiled, taking the seat next to her.

“Oh, hello James.” She smiled back politely, though her eyes were still a bit unfocused, almost like she was looking at the wall behind James' head rather than at him directly.

James took no offence, he was well used to Pandora's strangeness by now. And if Regulus liked her well enough to consider her a friend, then that was good in James' eyes.

“How are your ladybugs?” He questioned, setting his book bag under the chair and producing his wand in preparation.

She looked mildly surprised at the question, her eyebrows knitting together ever so slightly. “They’re running out of oxygen.”

Ok. Fair enough. James had asked an odd question, he got an odd answer. What did that even mean?

“Oh.”

Pandora nodded like this settled things and returned her gaze to the centre of the circle. James followed her lead. He got the sense that Pandora didn’t enjoy mindless conversation. If she spoke, she had something to say. He respected that.

They waited in silence while the rest of the class filed in. The rest of the class being three more students. Altogether there were only 13 of them, including Madam Pomfrey, who walked in last, wearing her signature white healer garb and red ringed glasses. She wasted no time in getting the class started.

“Ok, since we’ve covered the basics by now, we’re going to be moving on to some more advanced magic. The sorts of things that require a steadier hand so to speak.”

She produced her wand with a flourish and James leaned forwards, excited to have a practical class for once. His anticipation was short lived though, as she used a simple summoning spell and called forth a stack of thick textbooks.

She got to work passing them out, James took the thick book from her hands and his disappointment heightened as he realized it was covered in a layer of fine dust. These books hadn’t been touched in years.

He shot a look at Pandora and found her tracing patterns in the dust.

“So, if you’ll kindly turn to chapter twelve please,” Pomfrey announced in a pleasant voice, taking her seat at the head of the circle.

James flipped through the old pages, finding chapter twelve quickly. His excitement returned once he read the title: Magical Suturing; The Art of Closure.

So they were finally moving onto more serious injuries? James couldn’t wait. That was what he had originally taken this course for, not to learn how to fix headaches and hangnails, like Pomfrey had been teaching them so far.

“You can all read the following four pages, and then we’ll discuss.”

James nodded, his eyes already scanning the paragraphs and diagrams, fascinated by how healing magic worked. It was a complex system, as he was learning. Whereas most spells were just point and cast, healing required some finesse. The spells had to be extremely precise. Wand movement often meant life or death.

A layer of silence fell upon the hospital wing, immersing James in his reading while the other students did the same.

————

Hogwarts always felt so much bigger when Regulus was a cat. A labyrinth of stone walls and staircases, and he was invisible to everyone who walked past. No one stopped or even gave him a second look, they’d probably seen ten other identical black cats on their way to class.

Usually, Regulus simply wandered. Not today though. With classes over, he had a little over an hour before dinner and something to do. He dropped his things off in the dorm and slipped into the skin of the cat before sauntering out into the halls.

It was nice, quiet and peaceful, no one bothering him, he was simply invisible. And there were so many hidden spots in Hogwarts that a cat could hide. Sometimes he would listen to the students gossiping. It was actually quite sad, the things his classmates found entertaining. He thought they must be the most boring people alive, if they truly found half this stuff interesting.

Like seriously, a whole hour conversation about Dorcas and Ernie breaking up? Who the hell cared that much?

Today he wasn’t looking for conversations to eavesdrop on, though he passed quite a few on his way to the higher floors of the castle.

No, today he was heading to Gryffindor tower, to do something he should have done weeks ago. James obviously wasn’t the right person for the job. He had utterly failed at convincing Sirius to stay away and Regulus was running out of time. He had to take matters into his own hands, the only ones he could fully trust.

It was surprisingly easy to get in, Regulus just had to wait around for some unsuspecting student to utter the password and slip in behind them.

The Gryffindor common room could only be described as cozy. Red and gold wallpaper, a roaring fireplace (that made Regulus quite sleepy just looking at it), squashy, plump armchairs with soft pillows. Half the walls were covered in bookcases, filled with muggle books, Regulus noticed. He recognized some of the titles. It was so warm too, the heat of the fire filled the room and drove the ever-present chill from his bones.

Regulus didn’t linger long in the common room, though there was a pillow settled beside the fire that was just calling his name. He only had about an hour before dinner, and he still needed to locate Sirius’s dorm and find what he was looking for. No small task, if he knew his brother.

After sitting on the bottom step just long enough to determine which staircase led to the boys dorms, he raced up it. Stopping once he got to the hallway at the top.

Fuck. All the doors were closed. Ok, change of plans, he would just have to blow his cover a little earlier than planned. It would be fine, as long as no one came up the stairs while he was looking.

He changed back to human and instantly cracked the first door. An empty room, four beds, all impeccably made. That couldn’t be it. Sirius was a slob.

Next room. The poster of Chudley Cannons gave it away. Sirius would rather die than live in a room with that hanging up.

The third room was promising, Regulus thought he had found it, until he noticed a textbook lying on the ground, a textbook for seventh year arithmancy.

Finally, at the fifth door he opened, he found it. It was obvious from the moment he opened the door. One of the beds looked like it hadn’t been made since the start of the year. Combine that with the opened trunk, destroyed bedside table, and ashtray in the window. Regulus was certain it was Sirius’s room. Though the strange plant in the corner was throwing him off a bit. Was that mistletoe? He shook his head, maybe Remus or Peter had an interest in plants.

Almost as an afterthought, he realized that James lived here too. The thought gave him pause as he clicked the door shut behind him. It felt like an invasion of privacy in a way. Well it was, he supposed, but that didn’t bother him when it came to Remus or Peter. Just James.

He pushed the thought aside, time was ticking.

Judging from the state of Sirius’s things, it was going to be a hell of a task to find what he was looking for. He started at the trunk, though there wasn’t much left in it, most of his clothes and belongings were strewn across his bed and floor.

After ten minutes, Regulus had taken everything out and placed it back. No sign of what he was searching for.

He went to the bedside table next, twisting his face in disgust. How could someone live in such filth? It was abhorrent.

Fifteen minutes he had been in the room now. Still no luck, and he was running out of places to check. As a last ditch effort he tried to accio it. No luck, of course. The object was charmed to repel such spells.

Frustrated, Regulus sat down, on the one bed in the room that was made properly.

He racked his brain, trying to think of where the hell Sirius would have put it. Then it hit him.

Sirius had spent the summer at James. Maybe he had just left it there?

But no. If Sirius had left it, then why would he be so certain he could come home for the holidays. It had to be here somewhere. Just where?

Oh.

He jumped up, hesitating for just a moment before turning to open the trunk of the person whose bed he was just sitting on. Sirius had spent the summer at James.

James had it. He had to, Sirius could never be trusted to keep something like that safe, he must have given it to James for safekeeping over the summer.

True enough, at the bottom of James' trunk he found it. Tucked away in an old leather pouch was the Black family ring. One of two, the other one resting on Regulus’s middle finger.

It was an heirloom, ancient and expensive. Extremely expensive. It was silver and engraved with the black family crest but on the back there was an etching of their constellations. Regulus had the Leo constellation and Sirius obviously had Canis Major. Every member of the Black family had one, though they were all personalized for their respective star or constellation. The rings were more than just decoration though, they needed it to allow access to Grimmauld place. Without it, Sirius simply wouldn’t be allowed in. It was old magic, but very strong.

Curling his fist, Regulus shoved it into his pocket, turning back to replace everything he had taken out of James' trunk.

He was just putting back the last pair of socks, colour-coded, which Regulus respected, exactly as he had found them when he heard thumping on the stairs, then a familiar laugh.

Fuck.

Regulus slammed the trunk closed and leaped into his cat form, skittering under the bed just as the door opened, James and Sirius walking through.

“Mate, you’ve got to try at least!” James was saying.

Regulus could see two pairs of feet, one of them walking.

“Nah, what’s the point?” Sirius replied. The bed above Regulus creaked as someone sat on it.

“Well, it wasn’t very nice. And both Mary and Marlene are avoiding you, which means they’re avoiding all of us. Please? Can you just do it for me? I miss having Marls at the table.”

A long sigh.

“Fine.”

“You’ll apologize?”

“Yes.”

The voices paused for a second and a rustling sound took their place.

“Hey, what do you think I should get Remus for Christmas?” James asked, “he’s such a hard person to shop for.

“I dunno, a lunar calendar?”

James laughed and Regulus watched as a shadow sailed across the floor and a pillow fell from the sky.

“Wanker, I’m pretty sure he’s got that down.”

“Yeah, it’d be funny though.”

“I was thinking maybe a book? D’ya think that’s too basic?”

“Ooooooh get him the Electric Warrior album, we don’t have that yet!”

“No, that’s just a gift for you!”

“Moony would like it!” Sirius protested.

“Not as much as you would.”

“Fine…. Uhhhhhh, oooh get him one of those fancy quills, you know the ones that write for you, his handwriting is awful!”

“Sirius, no offence but you suck at buying gifts,” James laughed.

Regulus rolled his eyes. This was possibly the most boring and tedious conversation he had ever had the displeasure of hearing, and it didn’t seem like they were leaving anytime soon.

“Hey! I’m great at buying gifts!”

“Mmmmhmmm.”

More rustling, like Sirius was rifling through his trunk. “Oh, have you done the essay for McGonagall yet?”

“No, I’m going to the library with Remus tomorrow though if you want to join. He hasn’t done it yet either.”

Sirius gave a non-committal grunt.

“Fine, suit yourself.”

Something slammed shut.

“Got it, let’s go,” Sirius exclaimed triumphantly.

James sighed and the bed creaked. A pair of feet appeared on the floor, walking in tandem with the second pair as they exited the room.

Regulus waited a few more moments before creeping cautiously out from under James bed. Sirius’s trunk was now completely empty, all the contents having been ripped out during Sirius’s search for whatever he had been looking for. Regulus fought the urge to stop and clean it.

He slipped out the cracked door, still in his animagus form and bounded down the stairs.

The common room was borderline deserted now, being so close to dinner time. Regulus blinked slowly and looked around. He didn’t want to miss dinner but going to beg some Gryffindor to let him out was demeaning. Instead, he took a seat next to the portrait, waiting for the next student to enter or exit.

When he was finally able to slip out, dinner was half over. He didn’t bother heading back to Slytherin to drop the ring off, instead keeping it tucked in his pocket as he changed back into a human and strode to his place at the table.

“Where’ve you been?” Barty questioned with his mouth full.

“Out.”

He took a seat and began piling food onto his plate. He was starving by now and it smelled delicious.

Dorcas had been joining them again recently, having apparently forgiven Regulus for cursing her now-ex-boyfriend. She shot him a smile before returning to her conversation with Pandora about the benefits of frog-skin.

“Out as in…..hunting mice?” Barty suggested.

Evan laughed and leaned in. “As in…..rolling around in catnip?”

“Ooh, out as in chasing your tail?”

Regulus glared at them. They continued cracking cat jokes to each other.

“Regulus, what are they talking about?” Dorcas asked, balancing her spoon on the tip of her finger.

“Nothing, they’re just being mean.”

“Oh.” She didn’t look particularly convinced but she dropped it.

Regulus leaned forwards and helped himself to a chunk of bread. Pandora followed his hand with her eyes, frowning.

“What?” He asked.

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking!” She replied in a voice that sounded far too cheery.

“Oook…..”

Regulus went back to his dinner, listening to the conversations around him and tentatively planning out a French lesson for the night. James was getting much better at spelling so perhaps they should work on his speaking? He mulled it over while chewing, staring at the torches flickering on the side of the wall and pointedly ignoring Barty and Evan.

————

“Regulus Pollaris Black, are you waiting on me?” James called out, climbing through the trapdoor and tossing his book bag into the corner.

Regulus scowled at him from where he was seated. Always on the same purple cushion, he noted. He was staring into the sky but turned when James entered, his dark curls falling in front of his face. Regulus brushed them away and looked blankly back at James.

“What? It’s a star so it can’t be that far off. Your family has some weird obsession with astrology.”

Regulus said nothing, just continued staring, though James could see the faintest hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

James took his seat across from the boy and pulled out his wand preemptively. “Oh, by the way, what do you want for Christmas?”

“What?”

“For….Christmas? What do you want?” James repeated slowly, cocking his head.

“You’re not getting me a present!”

“Why not?”

Regulus looked utterly flabbergasted. “Because….. then I have to get you one and I don’t want to.”

James placed a hand over his heart like he was hurt. “You wound me. Come on, I love buying people presents, and you’re my friend I have to get you something! You don’t need to do anything in return.”

The boy sighed. “Yes I do. It would be improper if I didn’t.”

James smiled. Always so damn proper, Regulus was. “Fine, get me a chocolate frog or something. Now what do you want?”

“I don’t want a present. And if you don’t get me one, then I don’t have to get you one.”

“But it’s Christmas!”

“So?”

“Who hurt you as a child? Christmas is the best time of year!” James exclaimed. How could anyone not like Christmas!

“It’s cold and dreary.” Regulus stated, matter-of-fact.

“God, you’re such a pessimist.”

“I’m a realist.”

James laughed. “Whatever you say. I’m getting you a gift, and it’s gonna be great and you’re going to realize the error of your ways and come to love Christmas.”

“Some gift that’s gonna have to be.”

“Yes. It will be. Now…. French?”

“Fine. Put your wand away, we’re practicing speaking tonight.”

James did as he was told, slipping his wand back into his pocket and staring at Regulus for further instructions.

————

When Regulus returned to the dorm that night, he found a crisp folded letter waiting for him on his bed.

Upon further inspection, he recognized the handwriting and sighed.

“Who’s it from then?” Evan called, sticking his head out of the bathroom and slurring his words around the toothbrush in his mouth.

“Yeah, we’re dying to know!” Barty chimed in. “I was going to open it for you but Evan wouldn’t let me.”

“Slughorn.” He told them, picking up the letter and opening it. “It's an invite to a Christmas party.”

“Boring.” Barty returned to his book, having lost interest.

Something clanked in the bathroom and Evan came out. “Are you going to go then?”

He probably should. Unfortunately, Regulus did owe Slughorn quite a bit for supplying the ingredients for the animagus potion. And it couldn’t hurt to have a professor on his side, especially the head of Slytherin.

“Yeah. I’ve got to.” Regulus opened his trunk, pulling out a set of pyjamas.

“Ugh, don’t envy you, being a part of the Slug Club.”

“I’ve never gotten detention though.” Regulus pointed out.

“Yeah, cause you never do anything! Not because you’re buddies with Slughorn!”

Regulus shrugged and got into his pyjamas before climbing into bed.That was probably true but he didn’t really care. There were more important things in life than causing chaos at school. Like making connections for the future. Slughorn was extremely connected, he knew everyone, and if he liked Regulus, that could only be in his favour.

————

Thursday, December 11

James had been slacking on his Christmas shopping. He had found a few things over the previous months; an enchanted teapot for his mother that never let the tea go cold, a muggle book on the art of wood-working for his father and a matching set of mirrors for Sirius and him. He was rather proud of that one. You could see and talk through them, no matter the distance. James was planning on giving it to him before Christmas break, so they could keep in touch over the holidays.

He also had small gifts for the girls, Lily, Marlene and Mary were each getting a present from him. It was Peter and Remus that James was struggling with. He just hadn’t found anything worthy of them yet. And Regulus, James had to find him something good.

Sirius hadn’t gotten gifts for them either though, making James feel much better about his lack of preparedness.

Anyways, that was how he found himself skipping class Thursday afternoon with Sirius to head into Hogsmeade.

It was snowing yet again, but a light powder this time, rather than the blizzard they had been caught in before.

“We could go check Dervish and Banges? See if they got anything new?” Sirius suggested, blowing out a cloud of smoke into the chilly air.

“Yeah, ok.”

Dervish and Banges was a wizarding equipment shop selling all sorts of odds and ends. It wasn’t really the kind of place you would find a Christmas gift but James was getting desperate. So was Sirius. At least James could run out to the muggle village over the holidays, Sirius had to get his gift before they left Hogwarts as there was no chance of him getting out while he was home.

Sirius opened the door and James followed him in. It was an older shop, dusty and full of shelves housing strange objects that James didn’t recognize. The shopkeeper, an old man with white hair and glasses, looked up and nodded at them as they walked in before returning to the tangle of metal on the desk below him.

“Hey, what about this?” Sirius called out, not noticing how the shopkeeper flinched at his raised voice. He held up a circular shape made of gold bands and circles.

“Uhhh, what is it?” James asked in a much quieter voice as he walked over to examine it closer.

“I think it's a statue-thing for like tracking the planets?”

James laughed, “yeah for who?”

“Remus?”

“Mate, you’ve got to stop trying to get him astrology stuff!”

“Well I dunno what else to get him! He likes astrology doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, but not that much. Get him something good, like……. Ooooooh I just thought of something.”

Sirius’s eyes lit up. “What?”

“I’m not telling you! You’ll steal my idea!”

“Please! I’m desperate!”

“No!” James smiled and turned away. He had thought of the perfect gift for Remus. He would put the order in tonight, once they got home. Now it was just Peter left.

James continued on, picking up various objects before placing them back down. Nothing was quite right.

“Oi, James, c’mere.”

He looked up to find Sirius a few aisles down holding up a worn sheet of paper.

“For Remus?” He asked.

James looked down, realizing Sirius was holding a map of Hogwarts. “Uh we already have a map of Hogwarts, much better than this one,” he pointed out.

“Yeah, but I could enchant this one too, to show all the quiet and out-of-the-way spots that Moony loves and which ones are the best! I could even charm it with something that would show which ones are empty!”

Sirius sounded very excited about this idea and James definitely thought it was one of his better ones.

“Actually, yeah, that’s a great idea.”

Sirius beamed at him and folded the map back up, placing it under his arm as he turned back to the shelves.

By the time they left the shop Sirius had found all his gifts. James was still empty handed with only a vague idea for Remus. Sirius had found an old pocket watch for Peter that he was planning to charm to squeak at curfew. James had to admit he was a bit jealous of that one. It was ingenious.

They stopped at the Three Broomsticks for a butter-beer after that. James sighed as he placed the mugs on the table.

“I’m useless at finding gifts.” He complained.

“Oi, that’s untrue, you’ve always gotten me great stuff! Like that muggle jacket last year!”

James smiled at the memory. He had found a black leather jacket in a muggle store and it just screamed Sirius. He had even added a few personal touches to it, like a temperature controlling charm so he wouldn’t overheat or get too cold while wearing it. Sirius hadn’t taken it off the whole summer.

“Yeah. I s’pose I’ll figure it out.”

“I’m sure you will.” Sirius took a sip of his butterbeer and sighed contentedly. “Another good thing about being single, I don’t have to get anyone else but you three a gift.”

James frowned. “I thought you had liked Mary?”

“She was fun for a bit,” he turned his head thoughtfully, “I liked snogging her, but she was so…..annoying.”

“You’re horrible!”

“She was always asking me where I was and what I was doing!” He protested, leaning back in the booth.

“Yeah that's part of having a girlfriend!”

“Well it’s annoying, the only good part is snogging.”

James had to disagree there. He had dated a muggle girl for a few weeks during the previous summer and it had been quite eye-opening. He didn’t like snogging her one bit. Actually he was a bit annoyed at everyone that had lied to him about it being the greatest thing ever. In reality it was wet and awkward and boring.The only part he actually liked was being able to tell people he was snogging her. Truly he didn’t see what Sirius was so hung up over. Girlfriends were overrated.

Sirius leaned in suddenly. “Oi, what do you think of Marlene?”

James was confused. “As a girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“For you?”

“Yeah.”

He let out a sharp laugh. “No bloody chance! You just broke up with her best friend!”

Sirius looked a bit deflated at that. “Yeah, but…..”

James shook his head. If he was being honest, he figured Sirius had more of a chance bagging a dragon than Marlene. Judging by the way she looked and talked about Dorcas, he was pretty sure they were playing for the same team, not in regards to Quidditch. But that was her business and James certainly wasn’t about to bring it up.

“Ok, what about that Ravenclaw girl then? The blond one who’s in Ancient Runes with us?”

“Who?”

“Y’know, the one who sits by the window. She’s got longish hair….”

“You don’t even know her name?” James raised an eyebrow.

“Well…no, but I could learn.”

James smiled as he took a sip of his drink and shook his head again. “You’re hopeless.”

Sirius continued discussing potential romantic partners until they finished their drinks and set off into the cold once more. They stopped by Zonkos and Honeydukes but by the time they started heading back to the castle, James was still empty-handed.

At least he had an idea of something for Remus. Peter…..he would find something eventually.

————

Sunday, November 13

Peter had solved the issue they were having with the mistletoe. Well, more accurately, Remus did. Apparently Peter had been a little overzealous with the aggression charm, or maybe he was just too good at it. Either way, Remus tried casting the spell and it worked as planned, attacking but not enough to cause blood, just some harmless bites. They had all practiced after that. And with a little bit of tweaking, they all managed to cast the spell perfectly.

Of course, now they had a branch of mistletoe above the window in the corner, biting anyone that went near it for a smoke. James found it endlessly hilarious, Remus and Sirius, not so much.

The plan was to hit the castle that night when everyone was sleeping. Sirius and Peter were going alone since they could use their animagus form if they got into trouble. James and Remus were going together with the map. It was all set up, Sirius and Peter would hit the South and West ends of the castle, starting in the dungeons and working up, while James and Remus got the North and East ends.

Sirius was thrilled. This was his last chance for some mischief before the break and nothing could bring his spirit down.

They were all set in the common room, waiting out the last struggling students under the guise of doing homework. Peter actually was doing his homework, Remus was reading (real surprise there), Sirius was practicing his charm on a helpless fern in the corner and James was just watching, taking in the moment and relaxing next to the warmth of the fire.

He was close to nodding off, actually. The sound of crackling and constant heat made his eyelids heavy.

“That’s everyone!” Sirius clapped his hands, causing James' eyes to shoot open. The common room was indeed empty now. James snatched up his wand and blinked away the sleep from his eyes.

“See you in two hours then,” he yawned as Sirius and Peter slipped through the portrait.

“Shall we then?” Remus asked, rising from the floor and pulling out the marauders map.

James watched as their friends' inky footsteps parted ways and started off in separate directions. Their path looked clear so he backtracked to his own route. Filch was lurking on the fourth floor so they were good to start in the dungeons.

“Yep.”

The castle at night was eerie. It was so quiet and still, like the walls were holding their breath until sunrise. James held his wand out in front of him, ignoring the glares and angry whispers from the portraits lining the walls.

They spotted the first tangle of mistletoe not five minutes after leaving Gryffindor.

“You got it?” James whispered, keeping an eye on the map.

Remus nodded and stepped up, whispering the charm and smiling as the plants began to move and snap at him.

They continued on in silence for the entirety of the first floor, taking turns with the charms. For the first time in his five years at Hogwarts, James was actually a bit annoyed by all the decorations. They had to stop every five feet to charm another patch. It was worth it, of course, but tedious.

James kept watch over the map, tracking Sirius and Peter as they moved through their routes. Filch was in the dungeons now, close to Peter, presumably attracted by Ms.Norris who didn’t show up on the map. They really should fix that, James had been meaning to find some way of adding her to the map but it kept slipping his mind.

Nevertheless, he watched as their names passed each other by and let out a sigh of relief.

“Your turn,” Remus whispered, flicking his head upwards to the next cluster of mistletoe.

The spell was cast and they continued walking.

“So how’s Regulus?” Remus asked suddenly, turning to James. “That is where you go every Tuesday night, right?”

The question took him aback. James didn’t realize any of his friends had even noticed his absence. Though, out of all of them, Remus would be the most likely to, and since he already knew about Regulus, it wouldn’t have been hard to connect the dots.

“Uh, he’s fine. Why?”

“Just curious what he thinks of Sirius’s return home.” The boy shrugged, lazily whispering a charm at the nearest patch of green.

James pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering how much to say. He didn’t like keeping secrets, but talking about this felt like a betrayal of Regulus’s trust, even though he would never find out.

“He’s fine with it.”

“Hmm. You’re lying. James you should know by now that you’re a terrible liar.”

It was true. Damn Remus. James sucked in a sharp breath of air. For once he would love to have someone to talk to about this, it was stressful, keeping all these secrets to himself. He started speaking, slowly at first before becoming frantic.

“Remus……I’m scared something awful is going to happen. Regulus practically begged me to get Sirius to stay, he knows something, I know he does but he won’t tell me and I think it’s going to get him hurt. He thinks he needs to stay there, that it’s his duty but it’s not and he’s going to get hurt and I can’t do anything to stop it. Fuck I can’t do anything anyways except watch from the sidelines. At least with Sirius I can keep him close by.”

The words came pouring out and once James started, he found it was hard to stop. They burst forwards like a ruptured dam and Remus stopped walking.

“I know he was trying to warn me. I need someone on my side here, please. I can feel it, I think theres something happening over Christmas and Regulus is walking into it willingly but I know its bad and I can’t do anything to stop it and Regulus won’t fucking tell me what it is because he knows I’ll worry. And fuck, Remus, I know what you think of him and I’m not arguing that but he’s not a bad person, Ok? Or maybe he is but he’s not when he’s with me and that counts for something right? It has to count for something because otherwise……”

He trailed off mid-sentence, wondering why Remus was looking at him with such a pained expression.

“What did he say? About Christmas. Why do you think something bad’s going to happen?” It was whispered in a fast voice, tinged with panic.

James swallowed hard. “I just know. He was so scared, Remus. I’d never seen him look like that before. He was scared for Sirius, not himself. He practically begged me to make him stay away.”

“Fuck. He won’t. Not for anything now. He’s convinced Regulus needs saving.”

James nodded. “I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m watching a car-crash in slow motion.”

“Yeah, ” Remus sounded far-away now, like he was lost in thought.

“I got him a mirror. For Christmas. It’s part of a set, I have the other one, you can see and talk through it. Maybe that will help?”

“Maybe.” Remus didn’t sound fully convinced.

They lapsed back into silence. There was nothing more to say, regardless of what the future held, Sirius had made his choice. James and Remus would have to watch it unfold.

Really, when it came down to it, that was James' whole life. Damage control from the sidelines, watching his friends plunge headfirst into danger with nothing he could do to stop it. He was always waiting in the wings of someone else's story.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, December 17

Regulus was dreading the whole ordeal. It wasn’t like he was bad at socializing, quite the opposite in fact, but for someone who hated it with every fibre of his being he was quite good at it. No, it was the demeaning way that he was forced to socialize. To suck up to Slughorn and his insipid parties.

Barty and Evan didn’t help, though they rarely did. Instead they sat on the floor, tossing Bertie-Botts-Every-Flavour-Beans at each other and cracking jokes as Regulus pulled on his dress robes and dried his hair.

“Reggie, bring us back some of that good chocolate Slughorn has,” Barty ordered.

Regulus cringed at the nickname and ignored them. They could have gotten their chocolate themselves. Both of them had once been invited to these parties. That courtesy was no longer extended to them after last year’s Christmas party. Evan had set the water fountain on fire (no small feat) while Barty looted the place of snacks and they made their grand escape as the curtains were set ablaze.

The fountain had kept shooting off tiny fireballs while the crowd tried hard to dodge the projectiles. In the end, it had taken Slughorn ages to put it out and three students had ended up in the hospital wing with minor burns. Unfortunately, there would be no such entertainment this time around. No, this year he was in for a dreadfully boring evening full of politics, subtle bragging, and stuffy drapes. At least the food was good.

He adjusted his robes once more before turning away from the mirror and scowling down at his friends, who were now talking in overly exaggerated posh tones.

“Oi, Barty, what are we doing on this fine evening?”

“Not sure, Evan. Shall we raid the kitchens?”

“Perhaps.”

Suppressing a snort of laughter, Regulus stepped between them to grab the bottle of wine off his bed. Kreacher had grabbed it for him from home. It was a vintage, expensive wine, just the thing Slughorn would love. He was so easy to please.

“You could always fake an emergency in about an hour, come to rescue me from this socialite gathering?” he suggested, being overly hopeful.

Evan snorted and tossed a bean in the air. “Not a chance.”

“Yeah, you’re on your own.”

“Fine.” Regulus stuffed his wand into his pockets and stalked out the door, letting it click shut behind him.

The walk to Slughorn’s office wasn’t far but it had its dangers, mainly the biting mistletoe that had mysteriously sprung up the previous weekend. Regulus had his suspicions about who was behind it. He had seen the plant in Sirius’s dorm and it couldn’t be a coincidence.

He was twenty minutes late and sporting a dozen new bruises when he finally arrived. Slughorn greeted him with a booming voice and ushered him into the office. It had been covered in a sea of green and red, clashing horribly. The Black family didn’t celebrate Christmas, but if they did, it would surely be more tasteful than this. It was as if Slughorn had looked for the most tacky, cheap decor on purpose. Oh how he missed his dark family home right now. The colours physically hurt to look at.

All the usual furniture was gone, bright red couches and armchairs taking their place. The aforementioned fountain was back, spouting bright green water (just why). Gold and silver ornaments hung suspended in the air and the walls were glamoured to keep chasing between green and red pinstripes. As if all of that wasn’t bad enough, there was a huge pine tree looming in the corner, a star at the top shooting out plumes of glitter when an unsuspecting student meandered too close.

Regulus fought the urge to gag as he smiled and stepped inside. “Here, Professor, I found this at home and thought of you.”

He shoved the wine into Slughorn's hands, internally cringing as the man smiled down at him and read the label, his eyes devouring the script greedily.

“Oh, yes, this is a fine gift indeed. You have impeccable taste.”

Well, obviously. Regulus knew that already. He was shocked Slughorn could see that though, judging by his taste in furnishing.

“Thank you, Professor.”

With the pleasantries over, Regulus wandered deeper into the room, looking for someone he could talk to and pass the time with. It was a tall order; he hated most of the students here. Most of them were the sons and daughters of some influential wizard, just here as a trophy for Slughorn to check off and boast about.

There were a couple people he didn’t recognize though. A red-headed Gryffindor girl for one. He had seen her with James more than once at dinner but he didn’t know her name. Evans maybe?

“Regulus?”

A familiar voice sounded out from behind him and he turned to find Pandora, adorned in a bright silver dress with ladybug earrings. She held out a flute of some sparkly drink. He smiled and took it, though he hated champagne. One sip told him it was non-alcoholic; even worse.

“Pandora. I didn’t know you were coming to this.”

It made sense, Slughorn had lost Evan so he went for the other Rosier in Hogwarts.

She made a small noise and looked around. “Yeah. Dorcas showed me the invitation. I was surprised too, but I had nothing else going on tonight. Besides, I love the decorations.”

She smiled and waved a hand around.

“Of course you would.”

“What, you don’t?”

“Not really.”

“Hmm. Well I do. Have you seen the tree? It’s got mistletoe on it, and it hasn’t been charmed. I was looking for Nargles in it. Wanna help?”

Regulus had no earthly idea what Nargles were but he shrugged and followed her to the tree, glad to have a familiar face at this party. Too late, he remembered the exploding star on top. Pandora loved it though, and that was enough for him. She squealed with delight and twirled as the confetti rained down, ignoring the looks from other students. Regulus glared at them for her, though it was probably less menacing than he would like, being covered in glitter and all.

“So where are these Nargles then?”

“Oh, well you can’t actually see them.”

“How are you supposed to know they’re there then?”

Pandora frowned at this. “Their nests, of course.”

Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She leaned in close to the tree and started gently moving the mistletoe around.

“Like there! See?”

Regulus followed her hand and saw nothing but thin green leaves and red berries. He doubted that ‘Nargles’ even existed, but who was he to deny Pandora’s fun?

“Fascinating.”

She looked up at him, extremely pleased. “Aren’t they?”

He nodded and placed the flute of champagne onto the tray of a passing waitress while Pandora crouched down again. Finally after five minutes of her inspecting the tree, she straightened up and looked around.

“Oh, I’m sorry, we’re supposed to be talking to people, aren’t we?”

“Probably. I don’t mind though.”

It was enough for him to make an appearance here, he had given Slughorn a gift and made himself shown. He would really love to leave now, but standing off in the corner with Pandora was a close second.

“No, let’s go talk!”

She grabbed his arm and began pulling him into the centre of the room, towards a cluster of students. Regulus wrenched his arm back instantly but continued following her.

“-so, Lily, I’ve been monopolizing the conversation. What are your plans for Christmas?”

They joined the circle and listened in as the red-haired girl, Lily, began speaking.

“Oh, I’m going home. Can’t wait, truly. I haven’t seen my sister in months since she stubbornly refuses to send owls.”

Lily took a sip of her drink and nodded at Regulus and Pandora.

“Oh, your sister doesn’t go here?” The same boy from before, Newt, was it? Regulus didn’t generally make a habit of learning these peoples names.

“No, she’s a muggle.”

“Oooooh where does she go then? That’s fascinating,” Pandora chimed in.

“Oh, um she’s at a muggle boarding school in Brighton, but she’s coming home for Christmas.”

Pandora nodded and smiled while Regulus stood stiffly at her side. He didn’t have anything nice to say, and in these situations it was better to keep his mouth shut. Thankfully, Slughorn provided an escape in the form of a toast.

The crystal chiming echoed through the room, halting conversation as all eyes turned towards the front.

“A toast!” He boomed, holding the glass to the sky, “to friends….old and new. Happy Christmas!”

The crowd murmured assent and raised their glasses. Regulus had nothing to raise so he simply nodded along with the crowd. More servants began to circle the room, sporting platters of appetizers and drinks. Lily moved on from the conversation after that, wandering away to chat with some sixth year girls.

A couple more students took her place shortly after and Regulus had to put his social skills to use. He and Pandora stuck close the whole evening, flitting about the room and joining various conversations. Pandora somehow managed to find a waitress that wasn’t serving champagne and got him a glass of spiced cider instead.

By the time the night was over, he was dead tired. He walked Pandora to Ravenclaw tower and bid her a goodnight before changing into cat form and stalking back to Slytherin.

In no time at all he was falling into the covers of his bed, not even bothering to cast a muffling spell before nodding off.

————

Thursday, December 18

No one bothered with homework the week before Christmas holidays. Even the teachers knew better than to cover anything important, so most of James' classes were review or a free study period.

All the Marauders were thrilled with this, it gave them more time to witness the devastation of the mistletoe. The Great Hall had been hit the hardest. It had been on Sirius’s path and as such, he had been a tad overzealous with the plants above the Slytherin table. Especially where Snape usually sat.

Watching Snivellus was now one of their favourite pastimes at meals. They had started a tally and took bets on how many times he would be assaulted during lunch. So far, Peter was winning with an average of ten. James thought he would have figured out to move from his seat by now, but Sirius pointed out that he probably had nowhere else to go.

They had all shared a good laugh at that, earning a disapproving look from Lily, who was sitting safely at the Gryffindor table this week.

When the day was finally over, they all retreated to the dorm.

“I can’t believe we’re heading home tomorrow,” Peter sighed, taking a seat on the floor and moving pieces around on his chess board. Remus played with him sometimes but right now he was preoccupied fighting the cluster of mistletoe to open the window. James was rather proud of himself for that one.

“Yeah, soon it’ll be OWLS and then summer already.”

“Oh, god, don’t remind me, I’m so behind,” Remus groaned from the window where he was extracting a bruised arm from the tangle of snapping leaves.

Sirius joined in and started beating the plant with a book. “You are not! You spend every free second in the library!”

“That’s not all for schoolwork!”

“Whatever, toss me a fag while I hold this back?”

Remus and Sirius had come up with a system for each other, one of them would hold back the plant while the other smoked out the window, then vice versa. James rolled his eyes as Remus lit a cigarette and carefully placed it between Sirius’s lips. He looked oddly tense. Sirius took a deep breath before exhaling and nodding at Remus to take it back.

“Anyways,” James clapped, taking a seat on his bed, “I have some news.”

“Oh, pray tell, Prongs, have you finally found some brain cells?”

“Piss off. No, I fixed the map though.”

Peter looked up and wrinkled his nose. “What was wrong with it?”

James leaned back and snatched the Marauders Map off of his bedside table. “Our names,” he announced proudly, tossing it to Peter.

“Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs…. Who’s Wormtail?”

Sirius let out a barking laugh and raised his eyebrows suggestively towards Peter.

“But I’m not…..oh. Hey why do you all get cool names and I get Wormtail? Can’t I be like…..Sneakrat or something?”

“Sneakrat? You want your nickname to be Sneakrat?” Remus just about fell out of the window laughing.

Peter turned red and shuffled some more chess pieces around. “Well, not particularly, but I don’t want to be Wormtail either! And where did Padfoot come from?”

“Oh! That was Moony’s idea, from when we were doing the mistletoe the other night,” Sirius replied.

“It’s perfect. Peter, I think Wormtail is a wonderful nickname. It’s mysterious.”

Peter looked up doubtfully. “Wormtail…..” he muttered. “Fine.”

“That’s the spirit!”

Remus closed the window, taking a seat next to Peter as Sirius came to sit on James’s bed.

“Hey, I have something for you.” James turned and reached into the top drawer of his bedside table, pulling out the charmed mirrors. He had turned them into necklaces so Sirius could hide it easier when he was home.

Sirius took it and flipped the mirror over in his hand. “Uh… what is it?”

“It’s a mirror- ok, wait, go into the bathroom and look into it!” It would be easier to explain by showing him.

Sirius gave him an odd look but obliged, closing the door behind him. In his own mirror, Sirius’s doubtful face appeared.

“Can you hear me?”

“Oh, bloody hell!” Black hair covered the reflection as Sirius held it closer to his face.

James smiled and continued talking. “It was supposed to be your Christmas present but I figured you would get more use of it if I gave it to you now. It’s…hold on, come out of the bathroom.”

The door opened again and Sirius burst out, a wide smile plastered on his face. “Wicked!”

“I know, right?! Anyways, you can talk into it and we can hear each other. So now you have no excuse to not stay in touch over the holidays.”

Sirius nodded gravely, sitting back down on the edge of James bed. “It’s perfect.”

Remus smiled from across the room, letting out a puff of smoke into the night sky.

“You better use it,” James warned, “I’m serious, I have no idea what you're walking into at home but it can’t be good. Especially after you've been away for so long. You have to keep in touch, okay?”

“Yeah. I will. I promise.”

Satisfied, James let out a sigh. “Can’t believe we’re going home tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

Sirius flopped onto his back, letting his long hair fall over the side of James bed. They lapsed into an easy silence, punctuated only by the scuffing sounds as Peter and Remus’ pieces moved themselves across the chess board.

“Oh, fuck!” Sirius shot up suddenly, scrambling to his feet. “James, the ring! I almost forgot!”

He knew instantly what Sirius was talking about. Honestly, he had almost forgotten himself.

“Relax, it’s in my trunk,” he called, not bothering to get up.

“Where?”

“At the bottom, in a leather pouch.”

Sirius began pulling things out of his trunk, piling them carefully to one side, which James greatly appreciated. He wanted things to be tidy upon his return to Hogwarts in two weeks. There was nothing worse than coming back to a messy room.

“Uh, James it’s not in here.”

“Yes it is,” he sighed, there was no possible way it had gone anywhere, Sirius just wasn’t looking hard enough.

“No, it’s not,” he called, holding up the leather pouch and tipping it over to prove there was nothing inside.

Fuck. That got his attention. James sat up straight and scrambled over the bed, landing in a heap at Sirius’s side.

“Maybe it just fell out?”

“No, it was there a few weeks ago, when I repacked my trunk. I haven’t touched it since then”

“Where is it then?”

James snatched the pouch from Sirius and opened it, Sure enough it was empty. But where could it have possibly gone? James knew for a fact he was the last person to touch it and he had put it back. Besides, no one apart from him and Sirius even knew he had it.

“Did one of you take it!” Sirius whirled around, accusing Peter and Remus.

“No!” They answered in unison, offended at the accusation.

“Sirius, mate, none of us want you to go but we wouldn’t steal the ring, that’s just dirty,” Remus explained.

“Then who-“ Sirius turned to look at James with pure fire in his eyes. “Regulus.”

No. His first thought was immediately no. But it made sense. Regulus would do something like that. He knew about the ring and its significance, he knew Sirius wouldn’t be able to enter the house without it. And, not to mention with his Animagus being a cat, it would be comically easy for him to gain access to their dorm.

“No way, how would he even get in?” Remus asked, looking up white holding a white pawn.

James locked eyes with him and he saw the realization dawn on his face. He had never explicitly told Remus what Regulus’s Animagus was, but Remus could guess that he was able to use it to sneak in.

“Ok, say he did take it, what now?” James asked, trying to change the topic away from how Regulus could have done it.

Sirius stood up abruptly, sending the nearest pile of neatly folded clothes scattering to the floor. “I go and get it back.”

Ok, that was a horrible idea. James started after him, but Sirius was already out the door and running down the stairs two at a time.

James raced after Sirius all the way to the dungeons, Remus and Peter on his heels. Sirius walked fast when he was mad, must be a family trait, and even the thirty second head-start had proved to be substantial. He only managed to catch up to him when they reached the door to Slytherin.

“Ok, how are we getting in?” James panted, leaning against the wall while Sirius paced angrily.

“I don’t know!”

“Ok, ok. Why don’t we wait for another student and ask them to go get him?” Remus, ever the voice of reason.

“Fine.”

Sirius continued pacing, his footsteps echoing down the hallway. It didn’t take long for a student to come by, eyeing the group warily as he approached.

“Can I help you?” His arms were crossed, one hand lingering near his pocket, ready to whip out a wand if things went sideways. James stepped up, stopping Sirius before he could speak. He was too fired up and would only make things worse.

“Regulus Black, do you know him?”

The boy tilted his head ever so slightly. “Yeah, he’s my roommate. Why?”

“Could you fetch him for us please?”

There was a long pause, the air full of tension before he finally agreed, and stepped through the door, shooting a confused look backwards.

Five minutes later, Regulus walked out, slowly and lazily eyeing up the foursome, his arms folded neatly across his chest. He looked thoroughly annoyed, though James saw that he was avoiding meeting James' eyes and spoke directly to his brother.

“Can you take your posse somewhere else? You’re annoying my classmates.”

Sirius took a step forward. “Oh, yeah, we’re leaving. Just as soon as you give me my ring back.”

Regulus didn’t look one bit phased. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh yes you fucking do. You took it. I don’t know how but I know you did, so give it back and we’ll be on our way.”

To his credit, Sirius was showing incredible restraint, though James saw how his foot was twitching.

“You’re delusional, dear brother. There’s no way I could have gotten into Gryffindor tower unnoticed. I think it’s more likely that you lost it and now need someone to blame. Unfortunately, my schedule is a bit full right now, so maybe we could continue this another day.”

As he spoke, his eyes flashed upwards at James for the briefest of moments and James saw a flicker of amusement in them. He was enjoying this. Of course he was, Regulus fucking loved causing drama.

Sirius was so close to losing it. His hand was curled in the fabric of his robes but James knew it was clenched into a fist.

“Give it back.”

“I don’t have it. I’m sure mother will be thrilled that you lost it though.”

“You slimy git.”

“Wow, no need for name-calling.” Regulus smirked, uncrossing his arms.

Sirius took a step forward so he and Regulus were toe to toe. It was uncanny how similar they looked right now, identical mirrors of each other. Sirius whipped his wand out, pointing it directly at his brother's head.

“Ok, why don’t we all just calm down,” James interjected, stepping up beside Sirius and gently leading his wand back down.

“I’m calm.” Regulus spread his hands out as if to show just how collected he was.

“This doesn’t change anything,” Sirius spat, “I’m still going to be on that train with you tomorrow.”

“We’ll see, I suppose.”

Letting out a huff, Sirius turned and began stomping away. Remus followed, catching up to him and speaking in a low tone so James couldn’t catch what he was saying.

Regulus watched them go, that same amused look on his face. James longed to say something but he couldn’t; it would cause too many issues. Instead he just shook his head disapprovingly and turned away. Regulus had that ring, that altercation had just proved it, chasing away any shadows of doubt that James had had.

It didn’t take long to catch up to his friends. Sirius was raving loudly, cursing out his brother and ‘that stupid fucking ring.’ Remus was doing a good job of calming him down so James just followed silently, thinking about tomorrow. What was really going to happen if Sirius went through with his plan? Would Regulus really just leave him on the steps of Grimmauld place? Somehow he didn’t doubt that he would. Regulus was spiteful like that.

But so was Sirius. James squeezed the bridge of his nose trying to ward off the oncoming headache, why did they have to be so damn stubborn?

————

Friday, December 19

Platform 9 and 3/4 was too loud. Regulus sat at the back on a cold, hard bench fighting to keep his eyes open while waiting for Kreacher.

He hadn’t slept the previous night, despite how hard he tried. As much as he wanted to pretend like he wasn’t worried, he was. He never knew what to expect when Sirius was home and keeping the peace was exhausting. Plus there was the added bonus of this year’s Christmas party, but Regulus was intentionally keeping that out of his mind. He would cross that bridge when he came to it.

Breakfast had been weird too. Pandora had spilled her orange juice twice and almost stabbed Regulus in the hand with a fork. Barty had kept shuffling his feet under the table, kicking the benches and picking at his food, and Evan was just spacey, not at all his usual self. The whole group, apart from Dorcas, had been quiet and full of nervous energy. Regulus couldn’t quite put his finger on why. With Barty it made sense, he was going home to be Imperioed for the next two weeks, but Evan and Pandora? Far as he knew they had a good home life, no reason to be tense.

All in all, it was a strange morning. Regulus spent the time longing to slip back into the skin of the cat, curl up somewhere hidden away, and let the day pass by. It was a flight of fancy though, not at all possible. So instead, he had nibbled at his toast and watched the minutes tick by while Dorcas tried her best to make conversation.

The train ride was much of the same, all of them quiet and brooding. Regulus was actually glad when they finally arrived, despite his reluctance to head home. The air in their compartment was so thick with tension it was starting to choke him.

“Regulus,” Pandora greeted, despite having just said goodbye to her five minutes ago.

He opened his eyes warily, blinking away the pounding pain that throbbed behind his right eye.

“Just uh, give the ring back, ok? It doesn’t change anything, just makes it worse if you have it.”

Her eyes searched his face, features knitted together with concern. Well, that was just great. He had never told her about the ring. Regulus knew how Pandora worked. She had a vision, and keeping with her pattern, she wasn’t going to tell him what it was, no, she would just make a cryptic comment and leave him to stew about what was going to happen. Or, in this case, what was going to go wrong. Because something always went wrong when his brother was involved.

“Why?”

“Just do it?”

“Fine.” He was too tired for this. Too tired to argue about the stupid ring that clearly wasn’t going to change anything anyways. He trusted Pandora, possibly more than anyone else, and if she said to give it back, then he was going to. Even if it meant admitting defeat.

“Ok. Happy Christmas.” Without warning she pulled him into a hug.

Regulus hated every second of it, but he obliged her just this once, hugging her back stiffly for a solid three seconds before pulling away. Possibly an all-time record.

“You too.”

She smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes and gave him one more sad look before walking away. Regulus sighed and leaned his head back into the cool brick wall. What a great omen that was. Surely this Christmas was going to be wonderful.

Sirius appeared next, lugging his trunk over with horrific posture. If Regulus hadn’t been so exhausted he would have made a nasty comment about it, but as it currently stood, he just wordlessly reached into his pocket and produced Sirius’s ring.

He closed his eyes again as Sirius took it, not wanting to start an argument before they even got home.

“This won’t end well, you know?”

He felt his brother take a deep breath beside him. “Yeah…..but it’s worth it.”

He disagreed. It wasn’t worth it at all. Sirius just didn’t know when to stop. But, then again, neither did Regulus when it came to family.

————

It was a dreary day, befitting to his mood, when they finally apparated onto the steps of Grimmauld Place. Light flurries of snow fell from the darkening sky, piling up on the concrete landing pad.

He had done it many times before, apparating with Kreacher, but each time it still left him nauseous. He had to fight the urge to vomit on the ornate stone steps. Beside him Sirius looked down with a mixture of concern and pity. 

“Thank you, Kreacher,” Regulus said once he had collected himself again. The elf nodded slowly and and took a step forwards to open the front door.

“Last chance. You can just go to James, I won’t say anything,” Regulus offered, one last chance to save them both from whatever disaster Pandora had predicted.

Sirius stared back at him, eyes furrowing in concern. “No,” he scowled, “I have to show you the error of your ways.”

Regulus shrugged. Leave it to Sirius to make it all about him. Never mind what Regulus wanted, he was convinced his way was the right way, to hell with what anyone else wanted.

He pushed through the door and was greeted with an empty hallway. The lamps on the walls flickered to life instantly, illuminating the emerald green wallpaper and extravagantly framed portraits in an eerie glow. To other people it could be described as lavish, overly grand and an obvious display of wealth. The walls were immaculate, the dark wood panelling gleaming and polished, not a stray hair or speck of dust on the carpet.

Kreacher toddled forwards, bowing once before taking his leave. Regulus and Sirius were alone in the house, it would seem. Well, alone apart from the army of house elves, though, who knows how many of them their mother had killed during the hunt for the teaspoon. Hopefully not too many; Regulus was shit at cleaning spells.

Sirius was paused at the entryway, reluctant to step foot in the house. His trunk hung loosely from one hand as he stared around. Regulus wasn’t in the mood to wait around, instead rolling his eyes silently and walking forwards. Sirius could have his little emotional moment in private, it mattered not.

He headed towards the drawing room, wanting to greet his mother if she was home. He pushed the doors in silently. Walburga Black was sitting in the middle of it, on a dark chaise loveseat, nursing a crystal glass of some dark red liquid.

She didn’t notice him quite yet, instead looking out one of the large windows at the falling snow. She looked good, healthier than she had been during the summer. Not as frail, though her eyes still bore the ever-present dark bags under them.

“Mother,” he said quietly, stepping into the centre of the room.

She turned instantly, her dark eyes boring into his. She was extremely skilled at Legilimency, and even though she wasn’t using it right now, it almost felt as though she could read his thoughts. He fought the urge to look away as she scanned his face, betraying no emotion.

“Finally come home, have you?” she drawled, swirling the glass in her hand.

“Yes. It’s Christmas.”

Walburga wrinkled her nose slightly and stayed quiet.

“Sirius is here too.”

That had an effect. Her head snapped up, looking past Regulus and into the hallway behind him.

“Sirius Black. Come here,” she commanded, raising her voice. It simply dripped with authority, and Regulus fought the urge to take a step forward even though she wasn’t addressing him. It was always like this when he came home after time away. He got used to her again after a couple days and learned to shield it away. He didn’t even think she knew she was doing it, but her voice conveyed such power it was a magic of its own. One of the many effects of her being such a powerful Legilimens.

He obeyed, of course, slinking forwards with his head slightly bowed. It really was shocking, how sudden their mother was able to completely change Sirius’s demeanour with four words.

She stood now, looking down with utter disdain as she took a leisurely sip from her glass before pressing her lips together in a fine line.

“Your hair is too long.”

Walburga took a step forward, lifting up a lock of his hair and walking around him.

“So? Why are you here? I thought you were too good for us,” she mocked, “but now you come slinking back, begging for a seat at the table.”

Finally, Sirius lifted his head and met his mother’s eyes. “I was wrong.”

Regulus actually respected him for that. He could see just how much effort it was taking for him to bite back what he really wanted to say. Walburga pondered this for a moment before speaking.

“Indeed. Now leave, I need to speak with your brother in private. Go cut your hair, I won’t have any son of mine walking around looking like a girl.”

Sirius did as he was told, leaving the room and closing the door behind him, but not before Regulus caught his eye, recognizing the concern lingering within them.

Walburga took her seat up again, gesturing one hand to the opposite chair. Regulus obeyed, folding his hands in his lap.

“I trust you remember what we discussed this summer?”

He nodded.

“Good, I expect you to be ready. Sirius too. I won’t have him fucking up this meeting.”

“He won’t,” Regulus assured his mother.

“He better not. This is crucial, Regulus. I don’t trust him. He’s been around those Gryffindors for far too long. I’m entrusting you with this task. You get him on board or you get him out. Frankly I don’t care which anymore. I have two sons, and I only need one heir.”

His heart skipped a beat upon her last words. Finally.

“I won’t disappoint you.”

“We’ll see.”

And with that, she waved her hand, dismissing him. Regulus didn’t need to be told twice. He left the room, head spinning, leaving Walburga to stare out the windows once more.

————

James Potter’s family home was the epitome of cozy. It wasn’t overly extravagant or stylish , even though they had more than enough money for both of those things. Instead, it was small, quaint, and homely. The fireplace was always burning and the kitchen smelled of freshly baked bread. Fleamont Potter had quite the addiction to baking. He was damn good at it too.

“So, James, I know you and Sirius usually share a room, but I figured I would put all you boys in separate rooms this time around. Is that ok?”

His mother bustled into the kitchen, busying herself with filling up the teapot.

“Yeah, that’s fine, mum.”

“Oh and Peter, I’m so glad you’re staying with us this year, Fleamont will be so happy. He was worried about you over there in that house all by yourself.”

Peter blushed and nodded, standing awkwardly in the entryway with Remus. James would have expected them to be used to this by now, after all they had spent every holiday and the majority of the summers over here since second year. But still, every time they had to go through that awkward phase of acting like a perfect guest. It was endearing, really.

“Guys, come in, you can leave your stuff at the entry,” James called over his shoulder as he selected five mugs out. Then he frowned and put one back; Sirius wasn’t here, they only needed four.

Reluctantly they wandered up, leaving their luggage at the door.

“Excellent,” James clapped, “so, I figured we could get our stuff sorted and put away, then we could head up into the village?”

Peter nodded, preoccupied with dropping spoonfuls of sugar into his tea.

“Yeah, I still need to grab a few presents yet too, so it’s perfect,” Remus agreed.

It was settled then. James was not going to be heading back to Hogwarts without a gift for Regulus. He simply needed to find the right thing and what better place to look than the muggle world?

————

His room was still the same when he entered, the plaque on the door gleaming: Do Not Enter Without the Express Permission of Regulus Arcturus Black.

Sirius had helped him make it when he was in first year, putting his charms skills to the test and turning an old teapot into the plaque. It honestly made him cringe a little, reading it now, but they had used a perma-sticking charm so there was nothing to be done.

Regulus had no luggage from Hogwarts to put away, so he sat on his bed for a moment, still riding the high of his mother’s words and breathing in the familiar smell of home. It was comforting, the faint smell of lemon cleaning supplies and undertone of dark magic. Perhaps an odd mix, but Regulus loved it. His mother insisted upon lemon scented things, refusing to change from it even after discovering that Regulus was deathly allergic to the fruit. She was set in her ways, bending to no one. He admired that about her, and as long as he didn’t touch the chemicals directly it was fine. Anyways, Kreacher knew how to fix it, some elf magic he could do whenever Regulus did happen to have an allergic reaction from the supplies. It wasn’t a big deal.

The headache was still present, pressing up the back of Regulus’s head now that he had a spare moment to breathe. As much as he liked being home he was going to miss certain things about Hogwarts. The sleeping situation especially. It wasn’t safe for him to turn into his animagus form at home, so the next two weeks were sure to be sleepless and fitful.

Regulus was pondering this, staring longingly at his comfy bed when a knock came at the door. It was Sirius. Of course it was Sirius. No one else in this house knocked; Kreacher just apparated into existence beside him when he needed something and his parents didn’t believe in privacy. Not while he was living under their roof.

“Come in,” he called, sitting up straighter on the side of the bed out of habit.

Sirius opened the door slowly, peering in before stepping through and closing it behind him.

“What did she want?” he asked, lingering awkwardly by the door as if he hadn’t decided whether he was staying or not. His hair was still long, Regulus noticed. Walburga wouldn’t like that. She never asked twice.

“Sirius,” he started, blinking away the tiredness, “you came back at a shit time.”

Taking this as an invitation, Sirius sat down cross legged at the edge of Regulus’s bed, looking up for a deeper explanation.

“There’s a meeting happening on Christmas Eve.”

“A meeting with who?” His voice sounded wary, like he knew what was coming but couldn’t quite believe it yet.

“Voldemort.”

Sirius stared at him for a second before letting out a disgusted sound. “Bloody hell. Of-fucking-course they’re tied up in all that. Let me guess, they want you there as well? To show off their perfect son? Make sure you’re good and primed to take over the family business?”

“Yes,” he said softly, picking at a stray piece of string on his bed.

“Of course,” he snorted. “They’re just using you, Regulus, don’t you see that? You’re nothing but a pawn to them.”

“Yeah, only because you won’t be.”

“Oh, please. Don’t give me that bullshit, you like it. For some unknown reason you get off on being the favourite!” His voice was rising now, piercing Regulus’s head with every syllable.

“Stop yelling.”

“No, I don’t get it Regulus, why? They treat us like shit and you just take it!”

“They don’t treat me like shit!”

“Fine…..fine,” Sirius held up his hands. “They treat me like shit.”

“Sirius you don’t try. You never have. They’re only trying to help you and you never let them.”

“Help?” He laughed at the irony of it all. “This is helping?”

He swung a leg up onto the bed and lifted up the hem of his trousers, revealing a map of thin criss-crossed scars. “Wow, what a help that was!”

It was different, seeing them in person. Regulus knew Sirius had them, he knew what went on behind closed doors, but seeing them in the flesh was…discomforting. Realistically, he knew it was what needed to be done, his parents had a reason for it, but it still made him feel a bit nauseous. God, what a coward he was. Maybe this was why they preferred Sirius over him. Sirius wouldn’t get sick over a few scars.

He clenched his jaw and looked away. “If you had just done your duty that wouldn’t have happened.”

Sirius shook his head sadly. “I barely know who you are anymore.”

Or maybe he never did.

“Sirius, please, just don’t fuck this meeting up?”

“What?”

“It’s important.”

“For you…or for them?”

Did it even matter anymore? It was important for everyone, including Sirius, that this meeting went over well.

“For all of us. You too. I can promise if you make a fool of them at this party you will regret it. And I won’t do a damn thing to help.”

Sirius simply stared back at him, lip curling in a mixture of disgust and pity. “Regulus…..god…are you into this? Are you willingly choosing this? I mean I know you fucking worship them, but Voldemort? He’s a murderer. Do you even know how many people he’s killed?”

It was a loaded question. One that was asking more than the words he was saying. Regulus didn’t even know the truth anymore. Was he choosing this? It was what their parents wanted; a son, an heir who knew how to play the role. Regulus could do that, this was how he proved it. So maybe he wanted it, in that sense. But….if his parents were out of the equation, would he still be in the same boat? Would this still be the path he was choosing if there was no one urging him to go this way?

Probably. At the very least Sirius needed to believe that it was; it was the only way to keep everyone safe.

“Yes,” Regulus spat, his voice growing louder. “Listen, I don’t know what delusions you had of coming back here. Maybe you thought I was going to suddenly ‘come to my senses’ and we were going to skip off into the sunset together, but this is who I am. I don’t know why you can’t get it through your head that I’m not some tortured, senseless puppet going along with whatever our parents say. I have a choice and I’ve made it.”

It probably would have hurt Sirius less if Regulus had slapped him. His brother blinked away the pain clouding his face but his dark eyes lingered on Regulus, searching for a hint of doubt or uncertainty. Regulus steeled his gaze, making sure there was none. Sirius needed to go. Walburga had said it, get on board or get out, and Sirius was never going to be on board. So he had to go. For good this time.

As much as it hurt, and as much as Regulus longed for his brother to be a different person, he had accepted it. It was time for Sirius to do the same.

“I don’t believe you.”

Was he joking?

“I don’t think you know what you’re getting into,” Sirius continued, his eyes piercing in Regulus with unnerving intensity, “but you will. You’re still a kid, playing around in a war you know nothing about. I think this meeting is going to show you just what you’re getting involved in. So I’ll be there. I’m not leaving you behind again.”

He still didn’t get it. Regulus had to give it to him, his stubbornness rivalled that of their mother, but he was so wrong.

“Why can’t you just learn to leave well enough alone? It’s exhausting cleaning up your messes under the pretext of you helping. You’re not, and all it does is make more work for me,” Regulus snapped, plucking the piece of string from his bed with a sudden jerk.

He was so tired of it all. Tired of trying to to be enough for everyone, tired of constantly being the second choice.

“Regulus…..”

“Just go. Go back to James, go anywhere else. I don’t care, just leave me alone.”

Sirius obeyed, rising slowly while staring at his brother with that same look of pity.

“I won’t leave you behind again,” he repeated softly before closing the door and leaving Regulus alone with his thoughts.

————

Fleamont Potter arrived home just as the sun was setting. The boys were in the living room sipping hot chocolate and playing some muggle board game, Monopoly or something of the like. None of them really understood it well; Remus kept stopping the game to re-read the rulebook, trying to make more sense of it, but James was enjoying himself.

His mum was in the kitchen, peeling carrots and humming along to the radio as it buzzed with various Christmas music. She kept switching the stations, bouncing between both muggle and wizard radio to find the best selection.

Fleamont stepped through the front door, stomping the snow off his boots and clearing his jacket of the fine powder that had accumulated on his shoulders.

James leapt up from his spot on the couch, throwing himself across the room and into his father’s arms. He knew he was a bit too old for such things but he simply didn’t care.

“James!” His father ruffled his hair, returning the hug. Fleamont smelled of old books and fireplace smoke, but to James, it was the best smell in the world. It felt warm and nostalgic, like he was a little kid again being carried home, wrapped in his fathers coat after he fell into a snowbank.

“Alright, where’s this chicken then? I’ve got to save the poor thing from your mum.” His dad extracted himself from James and took off his overcoat, hanging it up neatly on the rack.

It was well known that Euphemia was a horrible cook. She was a terrific baker, but she just couldn’t seem to get the grasp of cooking.

In the kitchen, his mum let out an offended gasp. “I’ve done all the prep for you and this is how I’m repaid?”

Fleamont laughed and joined her behind the counter, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

“Sorry love, you know it’s true though.”

Smiling, James returned to the couch.

“Mate, your parents are sickening,” Remus chuckled, tossing a card down and spinning the wheel. James was pretty sure that it wasn’t how you were supposed to play the game, where had he even gotten a wheel to spin, but he let it go. Anyways, it was true. His parents were sickening but in the best way possible.

To him, that was true love.

————

Wednesday, December 24

Regulus wasn’t sleeping well. It had been weeks, months even, since he had slept in human form and he found his body was not adjusted to falling asleep anymore. In the whole time he’d been home, he’d had maybe ten hours stretched across three nights.

He was going crazy. It was a special kind of torture, not being able to sleep, especially when it was right there within his power. It was even worse knowing that there was nothing to do during the day. He passed the time in the library, reading various books about obscure curses, dark magic, and even one about unsolved wizarding conspiracies. That one he swiped for Pandora. It was just the sort of thing she would love.

As the days dragged on in an endless supply of snowstorms and grey skies, Regulus found himself growing anxious. The looming meeting made him feel sick with anticipation. This was what he had always wanted, he had a chance now to prove it, so why did he feel so uneasy?

Walburga didn’t help much. She forced them to eat dinner together every evening, just the three of them since Orion was away for work, and spent the meals going on and on about Voldemort and how experienced and diplomatic he was. ‘A true-born leader’ she kept saying.

Once, Sirius argued with her about that, asking ‘if he was so diplomatic then why was he parading to pure-blood families for their support.’ She had dragged him out of the dining room by his long hair for that comment, slamming the door to the library shut behind them.

Regulus had looked the other way. It was Sirius’s fault after all, he needed to learn to keep his mouth shut. But still, it was hard to ignore the way his brother shuffled around the following days with a slight limp. If he was trying to convince Regulus that his way was better, he was doing a shit job of it.

Now, he was alone in his room. Through the door he could hear muffled sounds of people arriving downstairs, chattering and accepting thin glasses of wine that they would use as prop while conversing amongst themselves. No one was getting drunk tonight, it was far too important.

His clothes were laid out on the bed, black dress robes, the fancy ones that were exclusively used for parties such as this. His wet hair hung limply, dripping uncomfortably onto his shoulders. The hot shower he had just taken did nothing to assuage his nerves. In a few minutes he would walk downstairs, assume a blank face and join the gathering of relatives and wait for Voldemort to arrive.

He could do it, he knew he could. It was easy, telling these people what they wanted to hear, smiling, laughing, making polite conversation about school and politics. He had been doing it for years and he was good at it, hiding behind a wall of pleasantries.

It wasn’t that he was unsure of himself, he knew how to please people, say what they wanted to hear. This party, though, was possibly the most important event he had ever attended. His entire future depended on him making a good impression.

Letting out a puff of air, Regulus straightened. This was nothing. Just a blip, something he had done hundreds of times before. He cast a smile drying spell on his hair, running a hand through his curls to smooth them down and then dressed quickly. One last look in the mirror and he left the room.

The voices were louder as he descended the stairs, his polished shoes clicking against the wood. Kreacher was at the door, opening it for the guests and holding a gleaming silver platter of drinks. He took one, nodding at the elf before following the noise down to the library room. It struck him as odd, that choice, usually they held parties in the drawing room. Oh well, maybe it was easier this way?

A few people nodded at him as he entered, their faces guarded and expressionless.

The library wasn’t decorated. If he hadn’t known it was Christmas, nothing would have given it away. Though it was the right time, there weren’t a great deal of people in the room. There were only about a dozen so far; some of the people he recognized from their family tree, but most were unfamiliar. He spotted Narcissa in the corner with Lucius and he was laughing, playing with her long blonde hair. Always so superficial, Narcissa was. She was adequately named, Regulus thought.

Walburga was in the centre, as usual, her hair pinned up as she surveyed the room with a thin smile. She was surrounded by people, but seemed miles away, which was never a good sign. Regulus sent up a silent prayer to the universe to please let her hold it together at least for tonight.

Andromeda was missing, he noticed, taking stock of the rest of the room. Of course she wouldn’t be invited, she had married a muggle. Sirius would miss her, she had always been his favourite cousin. Sirius himself was in a corner, skulking and drinking the provided wine. Regulus curled his lip at that. Fucking Sirius, he would probably get drunk and make a fool of himself. There were already four empty flutes on the dresser beside him.

“Regulus! I wondered where you were. Making yourself all pretty in your room I suppose?” Bellatrix called out, making her way across the room with Rodolphus in tow. She leaned in, her wild curls falling all over the place, and snatched up a piece of his hair, trailing it through her fingers.

“Bellatrix,” he returned, ducking away from her hands. Her face twisted into an exaggerated pout, but she allowed the retreat.

Bellatrix was his favourite cousin. She was unpredictable, snapping at the smallest things, picking fights out of nowhere, making herself the centre of attention, and actively treating the world like a playground built solely to amuse her. Regulus found her endlessly entertaining when he wasn’t the target of her antics.

“Quite a gathering for the Dark Lord. I’m surprised Aunt Walburga was able to do all this herself…you know with her issues.”

She lifted a hand and lazily circled a finger next to her temple, shooting a wild grin at Walburga as she did.

Fucking Bellatrix, always instigating. Regulus crossed his arms, unimpressed with her antics, even if there was a ring of truth to it.

“So,” she asked, waving off Rodolphus to take his arm and marching him over to the side table where an array of hor’s d'oeuvres waited. “Did you read the paper last week?”

Bellatrix busied herself picking at the food while Regulus waited. He hadn’t read the paper; he never did unless Pandora read it aloud. She liked to keep up on them but Regulus couldn’t care less. It was all the same, more deaths and bullshit politics in the Ministry.

“No.”

“Hmm.” She popped a piece of cheese into her mouth and swallowed without chewing. “The muggles in there were from me. Bitch wouldn’t give up the name of her son…. oh how she screamed in the end though.”

She said all this with a slight smile, as though she were reminiscing about a leisurely afternoon. Regulus smiled back out of habit, even though it made him feel a bit queasy. If everything went well tonight, he would be in her position pretty soon, so he better get used to it. Muggles were bugs to him, a lesser species, inferior to wizards and altogether useless, but he’d never actually hurt one before. He figured if the chance ever presented itself though, it wouldn’t be hard. Bellatrix sure seemed to like it. Maybe he would too. It would certainly make things easier.

Sirius had asked before if Regulus knew what he was getting himself into. He did. He knew full well what would happen if Riddle liked him. It was what his parents wanted so he was going to do everything in his power to make it happen, consequences be damned.

“Ooooooh, Sirius,” Bellatrix squealed, spotting him lingering in the corner, sipping his (fifth?) glass, “let’s go chat, shall we?”

She dragged Regulus along with her, leaving Rodolphus standing alone in the middle of the room. His brother, Rabastan, was here somewhere too, but Regulus couldn’t find him in the growing crowd.

Sirius looked up, scowling at the pair of them as Bellatrix cackled with delight.

“Back again hmm? Last I heard you had abandoned the family name to romp around in the dirt with mudbloods. Glad to see you’ve come to your senses.”

As Bellatrix spoke, she walked a circle around him, inspecting his clothes and freshly-cut hair with a menacing smile, like she was observing a lamb before it headed to slaughter. It made Regulus uncomfortable. He would much prefer to stay far away form Sirius; if he fucked anything up, Regulus wouldn’t be involved.

“Piss off, Bella,” Sirius smacked her hands away as she reached to fix his collar.

She just smirked, pleased at the reaction. “Touchy, aren’t we?”

“Nope, just prefer to be left alone. Not a single person in this room is worth my time.” His eyes scanned the crowd as he spoke, lingering on Lucius and Narcissa.

“Not even your poor brother? Imagine how he must feel, taking on your responsibilities because you can’t learn your place?”

Regulus sucked in a breath at that. Bellatrix had a talent for hitting people where it hurt the most. He locked eyes with Sirius and shook his head slightly, begging him to let it go. She was just looking for a fight, knowing Sirius was the one most likely to give it to her.

“Well, he seems just fine with it. Why don’t we ask him? Hey, Regulus, do you feel I’m shirking my duties?”

Well, yes, but that was par for the course with Sirius.

“No.”

“Perfect. See Bella? I’m free to do as I please, good ol’ Reggie will keep things proper for me.”

Fuck, he was drunk. Or at least a bit tipsy. Regulus wanted to strangle him. Why couldn’t he just keep his shit together for one damn night. Did he want to see his brother fail? Actually, that wasn’t even a question that needed to be asked because he did want to see Regulus fail, more than anything. Then he could swoop in and be the saviour, acting like he was right all along.

Regulus wasn’t about to let that happen. He reached forwards, plucking the thin flute from between Sirius’s fingers and dumping it into the potted plant beside them.

“I think you’ve had enough.”

He was causing a scene. Not a big one, but at least a few people were watching with bated breath, including Walburga, who’s eyes were pure fire.

Sirius laughed. “Not nearly enough actually. Not for this crowd.”

“Can you just keep it together for one damn night?” Regulus hissed, leaning in.

“Oh, no Reggie, let him drink, it’s entertaining!” Bellatrix was having a field day with this. Regulus didn’t find it as amusing.

“No, he’s going to fuck everything up ag-“

The room had gone silent, everyone inside holding their breath. Regulus whirled around, feeling the change in atmosphere instantly. The whole room reeked of dark magic now, so thick it was practically choking him. The source of it was clear.

He was older than Regulus thought he would be, but still somehow had the look of youth about him. His skin was free of any wrinkles or age lines, unnaturally smooth despite being obviously middle-aged. He was undeniably handsome, Regulus thought, his stomach twisting in an odd way as he locked eyes with the man, as though he had swallowed a live butterfly.

For a moment, the entire house was frozen in time, suspended in a single second before he spoke in a smooth, velvety voice.

“So,” he drew the word out, lazily observing the room like a coiled snake, ready to pounce, “quite a turnout for the evening.”

The guests hung on his every word, chewing them up and swallowing them whole. It was strange to Regulus, just how fast the demeanour of the room had changed. Every single person, with the exception of Sirius, was completely still, waiting for Voldemort to make the first move.

“And where is the guest of honour?” Voldemort looked around slowly, his eyes landing on the trio in the corner, flicking back and forth between Sirius and Regulus.

Guest of honour? What did that mean? Surely this whole meeting wasn’t just for him? Oh, but that was just the sort of thing Walburga would do, wasn’t it? Arrange a meeting like this and not tell Regulus that it was solely for him. How the hell did she even manage that?

He didn’t have time to ponder on this, as Voldemort had started towards him, the crowd parting as he strode forwards.

Bellatrix stepped neatly out of the way, leaving Sirius and Regulus alone in the corner.

“Well?”

Regulus smoothed his hands over his robes and stuck one out, looking up to meet Voldemort’s eyes. “Regulus Black, sir.”

Voldemort said nothing, simply took his hand and shook it, looking Regulus up and down with that same, snake-like gaze. Regulus felt his stomach flutter again.

“And this one? The one hiding behind you? Surely that can’t be the older brother?”

His eyes flicked to the stand of empty glasses beside them and a faint smile appeared on his lips.

“Sirius Black,” Regulus offered, stepping to the side.

Sirius glared up at the man with unmasked hatred. He made no effort to reach out and shake Voldemort’s extended hand. Regulus wanted to kick him. He could be stubborn any other day, just not now, please.

Beside them, Bellatrix tutted her disapproval.

“Shame,” Voldemort sighed, dropping his hand. “The younger one has more courage than you.”

Sirius stayed silent, thankfully, but Regulus noticed his clenched jaw, the way his fist was curled tightly, gripping the dresser beside them for stability.

Voldemort turned away, stalking off to the other side of the room where Lucius and Narcissa stood, and Regulus whirled instantly on his older brother.

“What is wrong with you?” Regulus hissed.

Now that they were alone, Sirius had regained his confidence. His back straightened and he seemed to almost be proud.

“I won’t shake hands with a murderer.”

“Oh you’re just so high and mighty aren’t you? Better than the rest of us?”

He knew he should just let it go but Sirius had that ability to make Regulus seethe with anger. It was a special kind of hatred, one solely existing for siblings. In this moment he didn’t care they were in a room full of people, he was just done.

Sirius had promised. He had promised he wouldn’t screw this up for Regulus and then he had turned around and done exactly that. Voldemort thought he was weak now, a child protecting his older brother. It was the opposite impression he had wanted to make. Walburga had gone through all this effort and nothing would come of it because Sirius simply had to be the centre of attention once again.

“Better than him, yeah.”

Bellatrix had stood to the side, silently watching this debate until now. She leaned in, her hair falling over her face as something indiscernible was whispered into Sirius’s ear. His face drained of blood instantly and he looked up at Regulus.

In the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of blonde hair leave the room. Narcissa. Why was she leaving?

Bellatrix started cackling madly. “Like a fly caught in a web,” she sneered.

“Regulus, let’s go,” Sirius started, grabbing Regulus’s hand and pulling him swiftly towards the exit.

Regulus snatched his hand back, looking around the room as every pair of eyes were on them. Bellatrix danced her way to the door, closing it with a bang before pulling out her wand.

His heart sank, a deep feeling of unease radiating through his body. Something was off, he just didn’t know what.

“Did you really think Walburga was going to let you prance around as you please? Coming and going with a foot in each world?” Her smile was maniacal, bordering on insanity.

Regulus looked helplessly to his mother for clarification. He needed to know what the hell was going on. She refused to meet his eyes, staring at the carpet instead. The crowd watched with a mixture of anticipation and cruel smiles, like they all knew the punchline of a joke that hadn’t yet been revealed.

“I’m going. I don’t want a foot in this world.” Sirius was trying his hardest to be strong but his voice shook slightly at the last word. His eyes kept darting to the closed door.

Regulus didn’t like this game anymore. Voldemort was watching from the back of the circle that had gathered around them, his dark eyes shining with anticipation. He looked around helplessly, waiting for someone to clue him in on the joke. It was a joke, surely. They were just going to kick Sirius out, send him away, publicly humiliate him. Right? That was what was going on here?

“Crucio.”

————

Christmas Eve was arguably the best part of the holidays for James. Sure, Christmas Day was great, he got to open presents and his parents always made pancakes in the morning for them to eat in their pajamas, but nothing beat the night before. When they all gathered around in the living room, drinking hot chocolate and eating pastries until their stomachs were about to burst.

The only thing that made him slightly sad was Sirius’s absence. James knew he was ok, he had talked to him mere hours ago through the mirror, but he still wondered what he was doing. They had a party tonight, Sirius had said. Just some stupid formal get-together for the Black family on Christmas Eve.

He missed him, nothing could top Christmas at James house, certainly not some stuffy meeting that the Blacks held.

In any case, he was sure he was having an infinitely better time than Sirius. But James would do his best to make up for it once they were back at Hogwarts. He had already decided that they were going to have a second Christmas and exchange their presents altogether.

They could nick some treats from the kitchens and James was going to smuggle home some stockings to hang on their bedposts. It was going to be wonderful.

————

Regulus wasn’t even sure who cast the first spell. He was only aware of Sirius, dropping to the floor in front of him and writhing in pain on the carpet.

They went around in a circle, everyone waiting for their turn. Regulus didn’t even recognize half the people there, yet they all shared the same bloodthirsty anticipation. Waiting for their turn to hurt.

His mind detached from what was going on at his feet. Time seemed to slow down, a drip instead of a steady flow. He was still there, still watching his brother twitch below him, but there was no emotion attached to what he was witnessing. Instead it was just a steady, calm realization.

Walburga allowed him home for this. What this was, he still had no idea. Punishment maybe? For leaving them all behind? Perhaps a warning? He deserved it, didn’t he? This was all Walburga’s doing so that meant there was a reason for it.

Someone was laughing in the background. He looked up to realize it was more than one person. Bellatrix was the loudest, her twisted wand pointed at the floor. Someone was screaming too. Regulus didn’t need to look to know who that was.

“Reggie….” It was whispered so quietly he was almost surprised he could hear it over the screaming. Then he realized the screaming had stopped.

It was so quiet now without it. Sirius had only been crying out for a few minutes but it had felt like an eternity. The room echoed with silence now. Everyone was looking at him. They had formed a circle around the brothers, Voldemort at the back, sipping a flute of champagne and smiling faintly as he looked on. He nodded slightly at Regulus, raising his glass in the air.

Oh.

Oh. That was what he was here for. It wasn't a punishment or a warning. It wasn’t even about Sirius at all. It was for Regulus.

Initiation.

A faint trickle of blood ran from Sirius’s mouth, spilling onto the cream carpet. He must have bit his tongue.

“Reggie…” he whispered again, fingers twitching on the floor.

“Awwww he’s calling out for his brother!” Bellatrix shrieked with glee. “So, Reggie, what’s it going to be?”

He was glad he hadn’t eaten anything that day, as it would have surely come back up. There wasn’t any choice in this. It was do or die and Regulus didn’t want to die. All he had ever wanted was his parents' admiration, for them to finally see he was a good son.

It wasn’t a small price to pay, if anything it was the hardest price someone could name. But he would pay it. Just this one thing and he was in, that was all it took, right?

Slowly, carefully, Regulus drew his wand from his pocket. It was cold in his hand, unfamiliar and foreign in this scene.

“C-crucio..” He mumbled, stuttering over his words. Nothing happened.

Below him, Sirius met his eyes and wept, a single tear falling from his eye and landing in the puddle of blood on the carpet.

His whole body felt cold. This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t a fair fucking price. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried again.

A sharp talon jabbed into his throat and he opened his eyes.

“It doesn’t count if you don’t look,” Bellatrix warned, taking her hand away.

In the corner, Voldemort nodded, his expression no longer amused. Instead he seemed….bored, and restless. Regulus was running out of time.

“Crucio.” Stronger than before. He had to mean it. The curse wouldn’t work otherwise. Regulus drew up every bad thought he’d ever had. Every time he’d hated his brother, wished him pain, had been jealous of him. Every time he’d wanted to do this.

Sirius was screaming again. Regulus watched through blurry eyes as he twitched and curled in upon himself, crying out to a brother that no longer existed.

There was nothing that would ever make Regulus forget those sounds. They would be burned into his brain until he died.

Finally, it was over. The room was quiet again, save Sirius weeping on the carpet. Regulus’s face was wet and he realized he was crying too.

Bellatrix smirked once more and pranced over Sirius to reach the door, flinging it open with a bang and curtsying at Regulus while the guests filed out silently, Walburga last. His mother didn’t even look at Sirius, instead fixing Regulus with a hollow stare before leaving Voldemort and Regulus alone.

“You did well,” Voldemort purred, placing a hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “ Family isn’t everything. You’ll learn that in time.”

Regulus nodded numbly. He wouldn’t pay this price again.

Voldemort closed the door behind him and Regulus sank to his knees, dropping his wand and collapsed on the floor.

Sirius had passed out. A blessing at this point, though his fingers still twitched with phantom pain.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, though it meant nothing, there wasn’t anything in the world that could undo this. “I didn’t know either.”

Regulus didn’t know how long he stayed there, crying silently on the floor with his unconscious brother. It had to have been long enough for Sirius to start to wake because by the time he pulled himself together, Sirius’s eyes were fluttering slightly.

He groaned in pain once more and Regulus felt his heart squeeze. Snatching up his wand, he poked Sirius with it, emitting another moan.

“You have to get up,” he told him, in a voice that he didn’t recognize. “You can’t be here anymore.”

Sirius whimpered in response.

“You have to go, Sirius. Go to James.”

Go to James because I can’t.

“Sirius, get up.”

Regulus dragged his brother to a sitting position, leaning him up against the wall next to the unlit fireplace. He carefully slipped the family ring off his finger and pocketed it; Sirius wouldn’t need it anymore and Regulus didn’t want him ever coming back.

“Take the Floo Powder and go.”

He was crying again, the exertion of even sitting up was too much for him in this state. Regulus left him there, walking across the room to retrieve a piece of paper. It didn’t matter which one, any book would do. He ripped it from one of the books long strewn on the end table and scrawled two words on the page.

I’m sorry.

Then he tucked it neatly into Sirius’s pocket, trying to be as gentle as possible.

“I really am sorry, it was the only way. Obliviate.”

Regulus didn’t have any practice with memory charms, but hopefully he could erase at least the last hour. Sirius would be in a great deal of pain when he woke up, but at least he wouldn’t know why. He wouldn’t have to live with it like Regulus would.

The effect was instantaneous. His face relaxed slightly and his eyes stopped fluttering behind his eyelids.

“Sirius, you have to get up now,” he whispered, dragging him to his feet.

Sirius obeyed, groaning with pain and leaning heavily on his brother. Regulus pulled him into the fireplace and left him there, relying on the walls to keep him upright.

Since Sirius couldn’t do it himself, Regulus grabbed a handful of the powder, pausing for just a moment before flinging it in and yelling the destination.

The fireplace went up in a plume of green smoke and his brother disappeared, leaving Regulus alone in the library staring at the ivory carpet that was now stained red with blood.

Chapter Text

Thursday, December 25

James woke from his sleep to a loud bang downstairs. He was out of his bed in seconds. No one used the floo at this time of night without something being wrong.

He met Remus barefoot in the hallway, blinking the sleep from his eyes and yawning.

“Someone used the floo,” James whispered, his eyes darting around nervously.

Their bedrooms were directly above the living room so it woke them both instantly, but his parents were on the opposite side of the house and judging by the silence, they hadn’t heard it. Peter slept like a rock and apparently he hadn’t woken up from it either.

“Should we wake your mum?”

James shook his head, “let’s see who it is first. It could just be Sirius fed up with being home.”

He hoped so, this past week hadn’t felt right without him, and besides if it was Sirius, they could just announce his arrival in the morning. No need to make a fuss and wake the whole house.

“Bloody Padfoot, it would be just like him,” Remus grumbled, following James down the stairs.

The living room was how they had left it, covered in wrappers and empty plates. It was tradition, no one cleaned on Christmas Eve. They would wait until the next day after breakfast to tidy up the mess caused by festivities. The dim twinkling lights from the Christmas tree gave off a cozy glow as the two boys crept forwards, not seeing their friend passed out facedown on the floor until James stumbled over him.

“Oh….fuck,” Remus blurted out, lifting a hand to his mouth as James rubbed where his head had connected with the floor.

“Yeah, stupid traditi-“

“James.”

Then he saw it. A mass of black hair motionless on the ground.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, what’s wrong with him?!” James scrambled over, reaching his friend and flipping him over. Sirius was breathing but his breath was shallow and fast and his hands kept twitching. James had never felt so utterly helpless. This was his fault. All because he hadn’t tried hard enough to convince Sirus to stay.

“REMUS WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM?”

James was panicking. He had never been the best in a crisis, not like his mum was. She was always so calm and collected, measuring the situation and solving it before allowing herself to feel an ounce of emotion. Remus, it seemed, had a different approach. He was frozen in place, staring down at his best friends while James screamed.

“MUM! MUM HELP US!”

There was a flurry of movement on the second floor as doors were flung open and footsteps pounded on the stairs. The whole time James was cradling Sirius’s head, brushing his hair away from his face. They had cut it. Why did they do that? Sirius loved his hair. When had they done that? He had just talked to Sirius hours ago. Had his hair been short then too? James couldn’t remember.

“James, what-“

He looked up, the terror in his eyes plain to see. Euphemia and Fleamont were standing together, pale-faced while Peter stood anxiously to the side. Euphemia was gentle but firm as she knelt down next to the boy, taking his head from James and switching right into healer mode. She may be retired, but those skills never truly leave.

“Ok, James honey I need you to move away, I have to look at him. Go to your father.”

“No, I’m not-“

“James! Move away!”

There were hands on him, gentle and warm, moving him away from Sirius. It was all wrong, this wasn’t what was supposed to happen. James was supposed to see him tomorrow through the mirror. They would laugh and make fun of the awful party and everything would be alright. He wasn’t supposed to be lying unconscious on James' floor.

Euphemia cast a diagnostic spell, waving her wand over the limp body and sucking in a breath as it showed faint red marks. James didn’t know what that meant.

“Flea…..let’s get him upstairs.”

The heat left James as his father moved forwards, pulling out his wand to levitate Sirius. Euphemia quickly pulled away, trusting her husband to move him while she bustled around in the kitchen, pulling open cabinets and filling her hands with tiny vials.

“James,” Peter was pulling at his arm, going to follow his father up the stairs.

He turned away, following Peter to the second floor, barely aware of his feet moving. This couldn’t be happening. Just hours ago he had seen Sirius in the mirror. What the fuck had happened in those hours between then and now?

Fleamont brought Sirius to his own room, because of course, Sirius had a room here; he was family. James had been avoiding it the whole week, keeping the door closed off and pretending like it didn’t exist. It was right beside his own, even connected like a conjoining hotel room.

It was the same as it had been in the summer, an utter disaster. The leather jacket that James had gotten him last year was draped over a chair in the corner, waiting for its owner to return. James turned away, looking at anything else but that. Despite all the mess, at least the bed was made.

Sirius was laid down gently on the sheets and Euphemia burst into the room, kneeling at his side and tipping a purple liquid down his throat. His hands finally ceased twitching and she buried her head in the side of the mattress.

James felt like there was something caught in his chest. In the midst of everything, he had forgotten that Sirius wasn’t just his best friend, he was their son. Maybe not in blood but that didn’t matter in the slightest. His parents loved Sirius like their own, accepted him the way his own family never did.

“Mum…” James choked out, going to her side.

Warmth enveloped him as he sunk into his mothers embrace, biting back a sob. He had to be strong.

“What’s wrong with him?”

She straightened up, taking hold of his shoulders and looking him in the eyes. “James, they crucioed him…..badly.”

No. It was a lie. They wouldn’t do that. Regulus wouldn’t have let them. He would have stopped them. And why? Why would they do that? James should never have let him go back there. He knew it was a bad idea. What the hell had happened?

“Is he going to be ok?” Remus asked in a strained voice.

“We’ll have to wait for him to wake up. Sometimes prolonged use of that spell can have…..side effects.”

James knew what she was talking about. He had overheard his parents talking about it once when he was supposed to be asleep. He wasn’t stupid, he knew his parents were a part of something, some mysterious Order they whispered about when they thought he wasn’t listening. Florence Lemony had been a part of it. Until she lost her mind after being tortured for information. They had said she was different now, permanently altered by the spell. She forgot her train of thought in the middle of speaking and got lost in her own home. They said she had been a brilliant woman, the best in her field and now she could barely string a cohesive sentence together.

That couldn’t happen to Sirius. He was brilliant, blinding, a star that shone so brightly. This wouldn’t put it out. It couldn’t.

“We’ll know more in the morning,” she continued, rising to her feet, “you should all get some rest. I imagine Sirius will be unconscious for a good while more, I’ll stay with him.”

His dad nodded and began gently prodding Remus and Peter to the door.

“No, I’m staying,” Remus pushed back.

“Me too.”

“I’m not going anywhere either, Mum.”

She smiled, a tired, gentle motion. “Of course. Why don’t we all stay?”

James nodded, his eyes trailing back to Sirius, still motionless on the bed.

“Flea, will you pull up some chairs for us?”

His father flicked his wand and produced five squashy armchairs in the middle of the room. Each of them took one, though James moved his to the side of the bed before sitting in it.

Despite the chaos and uncertainty of the night, it wasn’t long before they started slowly nodding off. Peter was first, then his Dad, then Mum. Remus was last, and though he tried to fight it, he started snoring lightly just after four in the morning.

James couldn’t go to sleep. This was all his fault. What if Sirius died and James wasn’t there? He couldn’t just leave him, he had to stay by his side, all night and all day, if that's what it took. He would be there when Sirius woke up. He had promised.

————

“What’s your worst fear?” Sirius asked, shuffling his feet off the side of the bed.

This was their nightly routine now, after Remus and Peter went to sleep, Sirius would crawl into James bed, they would share muggle chocolates from home, and whisper away for hours. They had to be quiet since the muffliato charm wasn’t taught until second year.

“I dunno, maybe…..sharks?” James laughed, being careful to avoid crinkling the wrapper of the chocolate in his palm.

“That's not a real answer!” Sirius complained, shoving James lightly.

“Well, have you ever seen one? No? That’s what I thought. They’re terrifying! Huge and teethy and you don’t even see them until…. WHAM- you’ve been bitten!”

The dorm filled with muffled snickers as James avoided another smack from Sirius.

“ Fine, what’s yours then?”

The tone changed as Sirius’s face turned grim.

“I don’t want to die alone,” he whispered.

Even at eleven, James had known that wasn’t a normal fear, but they had never talked about this stuff before. He knew, deep down, that something was wrong with Sirius’s family, but he was scared to broach the topic, fearing he would lose his best friend in the process. It would be months before they ever got to that, so for now, James simply reached over and patted his friend on the shoulder.

“You won’t.”

Sirius had looked back, eyes brimming with tears, “you don’t know that..”

“Yes I do! I’ll stay with you. I promise, Sirius.”

It had been a childish vow, one made in the darkness to assuage a fear far too great for an eleven year old, but James meant to stick to it. Even now, five years later, he meant to stick with it.

————

That night was endless. James felt as though time had come to a halt, slowing down solely to punish him.

Sirius stayed unconscious, though he occasionally muttered something unintelligible or spasmed in his comatose state.

The room was dead silent, adding to the feeling of purgatory. Though James supposed he deserved it. He had been the one who was unable to get Sirius to stay, even with Regulus’s pleading, he hadn’t been able to do it.

Regulus. James shot up before realizing he had nowhere to go. Nothing would fix this. But Regulus had known. He had known something was going to happen over the holidays. Wasn’t that why he was so adamant on Sirius staying away? He had practically begged.

But what did he know? James simply couldn’t believe Regulus would be complicit in this. It was too far, even for him. He needed to talk to him.

Sirius moved in his sleep, shifting to the side slightly as a thin piece of paper fell from his pocket and fluttered to the floor. James picked it up instantly, unfolding the neat square and sucking in a breath as he read the two words it contained.

I’m sorry.

He would recognize that handwriting anywhere. It was distinctive, exceptionally neat and it belonged to Regulus.

Fuck. That meant he had something to be sorry for. James really needed to talk to him now. What did that even mean? Was he sorry for what happened to Sirius? Sorry he didn’t keep him safe?

James held the small square in his fist and brought it to his forehead, resting against his palm as he tried to sort through what this could possibly mean.

“James,” it was whispered softly through the darkness but he knew it was Remus.

There was a light sound of shuffling as Remus made his way through the mass of chairs. The dim light coming through the window was just enough for James to make out Remus tilting his head, offering a sounding board in the form of James' room.

Despite his desire to stay as close to Sirius as humanly possible, he took it. His parents would be here for Sirius and maybe this would help. Remus could help him sort through the mess in his head.

“Look, it’s from Regulus.” James pushed the paper into Remus’s hands as soon as the door closed behind them.

“Sorry? What is he sorry for?”

“I don’t know,” James breathed, sitting down on his bed.

Remus sat down next to him and looked around slowly before his eyes settled on James. “Did he know? You said that night we were doing the mistletoe that he was scared, and asked you to keep Sirius away, right? So maybe he knew.”

James didn’t want to believe that. As much as it made sense he didn’t want to think of that. He knew Regulus. He wasn’t cruel. Closed off, angry, maybe a bit mean, but he wasn’t cruel. Especially not when it came to Sirius.

“No. He couldn’t have, he would have told me, made Sirius stay. He would have done something.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Then what does it mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he’s sorry for what happened? That he couldn’t stop it?”

“Little too late,” Remus muttered.

James ignored the jab. His feelings about Regulus were extremely clear, Remus didn’t like him. Even though he didn’t know him. James understood why, Regulus wasn’t exactly an easy person to like. Maybe that was why James liked him so much. He wanted to see the good in everyone, prove that no one was inherently evil.

They lapsed into an uneasy silence, James not quite knowing how to express what he was thinking. A few minutes ticked by this way until Remus broke the bubble.

“James….. he’s gonna be ok, right?”

He wished he had a proper answer, but the truth is, he didn’t know. Every minute that passed, his concerns grew. Was this normal? To take so long for him to wake up?

“Yeah.”

It was an empty word, they both knew it but in the darkness of the night it still provided some much needed comfort. Not a lot, but enough.

————

It’s funny, the lengths your mind goes to, to justify the things you’ve done.

Regulus had never wanted any of this. But he still found himself rationalizing it. It was what needed to be done. He had to believe that. That there hadn’t been any other way, or it would break him.

Now, there was nowhere to look but forwards. What was done, was done. He had to close that door in his mind and look to the future. It was a literal door to close in his mind. Regulus had learned young that the best way to gain his parents favour was to be perfect. And in their eyes, perfection was silence. No outward displays of emotion, no crying or whining or hugging or doing anything that showed he was human.

He was good at that, he had a lot of practice.

He had been doing it before he even realized what it was, retreating to the hallway in his mind and locking away emotions and memories behind closed doors. Some, he shut away so deep he had almost forgotten of their existence. Almost.

Last night was a new door to close. The pictures, memories of Sirius on the ground, flashes of his wand pointed downwards, the sounds of his brother crying out, Bellatrix laughing, his Mother standing in the back just watching, all of them were funnelled into that room and left to rot.

There was almost a satisfaction in it, cutting away the parts of his memory he didn’t want to relive and shutting them behind walls in his mind. It was about control, his mind, his life, his memories.

Still…a part of him desperately wanted to send a letter, find out how Sirius was, if he was ok. To talk to James. It was an impossible wish though, childish and stupid.

The house was cold. Regulus had half a mind to call Kreacher and ask him to light fires in every room, every fireplace in the house, but he knew it wouldn’t do anything. The cold was inside him, stilled deep in his bones.

Walburga had been locked in her own room since last night. Well, Regulus assumed, since he hadn’t heard a single sound anywhere in the house all morning.

He didn’t know where to go from here. What does one do after the storm has passed? Look to the future, yes, but what did that mean exactly? Was he in now? Voldemort had looked pleased but then he just left. It was unfair. He had done what was asked of him, even if it broke a part of himself irreparably, he had done it. Now he was just supposed to wait? Sit with this?

No, he had to do something, had to make the price worth it.

————

James awoke to the smell of pancakes. The good ones that his dad always made on Christmas morning, with blueberries and fresh whipped cream. For a brief moment he allowed himself to believe it was true, that it was just Christmas and the only thing that was waiting for him today was the pile of presents below the tree.

It wasn’t true though, and as he lifted his head to see the sunlight streaming in the windows, he found Sirius was still in the same spot on the bed.

Everyone but Remus had left, presumably to make breakfast and try to get back to some sense of normalcy before Sirius woke up.

Remus was curled in his chair, head slumped on his shoulder. He looked extremely uncomfortable but James let him sleep. He turned back to Sirius. Maybe it was just the sunlight but he looked less pale than he had last night.

That was a good sign, it had to be.

James’s muscles ached with the pain of being stagnant for too long. He longed to stretch his legs, take a walk, be anywhere but here. Except there was nowhere to go. He couldn’t go downstairs and leave Sirius, he couldn’t even leave this room.

The sounds of clinking cutlery and hushed voices echoed slightly up the stairs. His Mum was down there. Why wasn’t she up here? She was the healer in the family, she should be here, waiting for Sirius to wake up. It was hard not to feel a little angry at that, even though James knew, realistically, her being up here wouldn’t change the outcome.

He stayed frozen in place, staring at his fallen friend, counting the breaths until his dad brought up a plate of food.

The pancakes are steaming still, the aforementioned blueberry compote dripping slightly off the sides and pooling on the edge of the plate. It smells objectively phenomenal but James thought he might puke if he tried to eat anything.

His father didn’t say anything, no words were necessary, he just set the plate down quietly on the bedside table and placed a weathered hand on James' shoulder. It lingered there for a moment as James leaned into it, desperate for any comfort, no matter how small. Too soon it was over, and his father walked silently out of the room.

The pancakes grew cold while James watched, the whipped cream melted into the sauce and absorbed back into the spongy cake.

“Pancakes……”

James just about fell out of his chair, he whipped his head around so fast.

Sirius’s eyes were open. He raised a hand to his head, pressing in between his eyes like it hurt, but the smile was unmistakable.

“Sirius.”

Sirius stared back, the smile slowly drained from his face as he looked around at the state of his room, his eyes flicked to Remus still sleeping in the corner, then back to James.

“Why am I here……what happened? Where’s Regulus?” His voice was tinged with panic now and James leapt from his chair and tried to hold him back as Sirius began to claw at the covers, trying to extract himself from the bed.

“No, Sirius, wait….. fuck just wait a minute! MUM!”

Sirius winced at the shout but calmed slightly, though his eyes were still wide with panic and confusion. In the corner, Remus awoke from his slumber with a start, sitting up and staring in shock.

Footsteps pounded heavily on the stairs as both James parents burst into the room.

“Oh,” Euphemia gasped, placing a hand on her heart, “you’re awake.”

Sirius was clearly in no mood for this, his face grew hard and he pushed James away.

“Why am I here? What happened? Where’s Reggie?”

Euphemia stepped further into the room and took a seat in the chair that James had previously occupied. Just behind his father James could spot Peter, peeking in from behind the door frame.

“Sirius,” she started, taking his hand, “you showed up last night. We were hoping you could help us with the why.”

At the very least, he seemed to be cognizant. As far as James could tell, there was no sign of any deficits yet. Though the fact that he didn’t know why he was even here was slightly worrying.

“I….no, I was at home. They were having a party, Voldemort was going to be there….”

His eyes were screwed shut as he spoke, as if recalling this was costing great energy. James felt his heart drop. Sirius hadn’t said any of that yesterday. He had gone on and on about how boring the party was going to be. Nothing about Voldemort. Had he known? Had he just been trying to keep James unconcerned?

“What happened at this party?” Euphemia prodded gently.

“I…. I don’t know…. I can’t remember,” Sirius whimpered, burying his face in his hands as though he were a child, hiding his tears away.

It broke James' heart. Did he even know what they did to him? Did he remember being crucioed?

“That’s ok, it’s ok,” Euphemia whispered, leaning across the bed and wrapping her arms around him.

For a moment, he sobbed into her shoulders. A heart wrenching sound. Sirius never cried. It scared James. Whatever had happened last night had affected him deeply, even if he couldn’t recall it right now. And that fucking worried James.

What about Regulus? Was he safe? His heart squeezed with anxiety, a different kind now. Sirius was safe. Was Regulus?

“Sirius, would you be willing to talk to Dumbledore about this…party?”

The sniffling stopped for a second and Sirius lifted his head from Euphemia. James could see him already placing the walls back up, his expression hardening as he wiped the remnants of tears from his eyes.

“Yes,” he said instantly, straightening up in bed,“if it would help. I don’t know much though, just what Regulus told me.”

James had to stifle the urge to grab him and ask what Regulus knows and if he’s safe, but he knew that wasn’t a logical reaction.

“Ok, thank you Sirius,” Euphemia squeezed his hand gently one last time before getting up.

She left the room quietly, taking Fleamont with her and leaving the four boys alone. No one said anything, but they all gathered on Sirius’s bed, James beside him and Remus and Peter sitting at the foot.

————

If it never snowed again, Regulus would be in heaven. Fucking Bellatrix had to live so far away, it was a miracle he made it to the door without ending up as a frozen statue in the middle of the countryside.

He had taken the floo into a pub at the nearby village. It wasn’t exactly a part of the wizarding world but the old man who ran it seemed keen on looking the other way, no doubt Bellatrix had threatened him with some grisly end if he breathed a word.

Unfortunately, the pub only got him halfway there, since his dear cousin insisted on living away from everyone. She had moved in just last year with Rodolphus. Regulus had visited exactly once before, the day of her wedding. He just hoped she didn’t have a great security system.

Regulus walked most of the way as a cat. It was a relief, to be able to slip back into the comfortable skin after everything. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to be this relaxed, even though it had only been a week since he left school. It felt like far longer.

The house wasn’t small or tasteful at all, but with Bellatrix, nothing was. It was huge, far larger than anyone needed. She would never be able to fill all those rooms, not with a hundred children. It loomed in the countryside, a dark silhouette in the snow-covered fields. One thing about the Blacks, they loved their dark colours. And their snake paraphernalia, apparent by the set of dual silver snakes that doubled as door knockers. He lifted one and let it fall, banging against the dark wood ominously.

Almost instantly, a small house elf answered, tiny bandaged fingers curled around the door as her enormous blue eyes peered out through the crack.

“Yes…?” She half whispered, looking around nervously to check that Regulus was alone.

Why did it seem like every single member of the Black family enjoyed torturing their elves? Maybe it was necessary sometimes, a means of discipline, Regulus understood that. Had even done it himself a couple times but certainly not for fun. He hadn’t enjoyed it the way the rest of his family seemed to.

“Is Bellatrix home?”

She stared back for a moment before opening the door fully and standing aside.

“She’s in the sitting room….. to the left,” the elf breathed, disappearing with a crack.

Ok. Taking a deep breath, Regulus steeled his nerves and walked forwards with his head held high.

Almost nothing could have prepared him for the scene he walked in on. A young woman, maybe in her early twenties was sitting in the corner, her hands and feet bound together as she pressed herself farther into the wall, trying desperately to escape. No bound wasn’t the right word. They were fused. The skin of her wrists and ankles had become one, joining a mass of flesh that would make it impossible for her to pull apart.

Her mouth was the same, or where her mouth would have been. Instead it was another mass of skin, smooth and porcelain where there should have been lips. Bellatrix was sitting in an opposing chair, drinking a thin glass of red wine and staring, her lips twitching as the prisoner sobbed silently.

“Bellatrix?” He called, announcing himself as he entered the room, eyes glued on the woman in the corner.

She stared back at him pleading, begging with every ounce of feeling she could put into her face. Regulus looked away. She was there for a reason, she had to be.

“REGGIE,” Bellatrix shrieked with delight, setting her glass down on the table. Knowing her, she would use that nickname for the rest of his life now, getting a kick out of the origin of it. She did love inflicting pain, anyone, anywhere. “How was the rest of your night? Oooooh and where is the pretty boy now, I would love another round!”

Inside his mind, the door rattled slightly, memories threatening to seep through. He buried them deeper, sending the door farther down the hallway.

“He’s gone,” Regulus answered, crossing his arms.

“Pity,” she sighed, “you need practice.”

“Is that what she is? Practice?” He gestured to the woman, still in the corner watching with wide, fearful eyes.

Bellatrix laughed at that, a high pitched cackle that made the woman flinch. “Oh, no she’s not practice, she’s here for a reason…. aren’t you pet?”

“What reason?”

“Information,” she laughed, leaning forwards, “wanna help?”

No. He didn’t. It was too soon. But…. The more he did it, the easier it would be. Right? And it wasn’t someone he cared about. It was a muggleborn. A half-breed. Barely even human so who cared? Maybe this was the price she needed to pay for daring to exist.

When he thought about it like that, it was easier. They were just bugs. Ants under a microscope that he could burn for fun if he wanted to.

He just wished he wanted to.

“How is she supposed to tell you anything,” he pointed out, gesturing at her face and the mouth that should have been there.

Bellatrix frowned and then let out another laugh. “OH-Oops, maybe that’s why she’s been so quiet!”

Enough of this. He wasn’t here to watch Bellatrix torture her prisoners. He had a purpose and he meant to accomplish it.

“Stop it. I want to know if I’m in now. Was that enough….last night?”

She rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed at Regulus putting a halt to her fun.

“Maybe,” she finally answered, swallowing the last dregs from her glass.

Maybe? Fucking maybe? How could that possibly not have been enough? He had done it all, everything they had asked of him.

“What-“

“The Dark Lord enjoys his entertainment, who’s to say you put on a good enough show? After all, from what I hear, you let the star slip through your fingers….. so no chance of an encore.”

“Was I supposed to leave him there? Fucking chained up like your little prisoner in the corner? He’s my brother!” Regulus spat at her.

“And he’s on the wrong side. There are no blood ties in war, cousin.”

It wasn’t fair. All he wanted was to be good enough and still they were asking about his fucking brother. It was always about Sirius.

“What then? What do I need to do?”

Bellatrix’s eyes lit up at this and she slithered to the edge of her seat, pressing her face in close.

“Dumbledore.”

————

James wanted to be upstairs. It felt wrong, leaving Sirius alone. Even if he wasn’t truly alone.

Dumbledore had arrived just after dinner, whisking in through the fireplace and marching upstairs without stopping for a second. He was a man on a mission. James just wished his mission didn’t involve Sirius so soon after his traumatic experience. He needed more time to heal.

They all stayed downstairs to respect his privacy while Dumbledore and Sirius spoke. It would be hard enough recounting what he knew without an extra five people in the room.

Euphemia brought out cards but no one was really invested in playing. Remus and Peter started a halfhearted game of Poker but abandoned it soon after. Everyone was too anxious to do much of anything but pace and stare out the windows.

Finally, after an hour of waiting, Dumbledore descended the stairs. He pulled James' parents aside and cast a muffling spell before talking to them in the kitchen. Sensing he wasn’t going to learn much of anything trying to eavesdrop, James shot up the stairs, Remus and Peter at his heels.

“So?” He asked, breathless from the climb, “what did he want?”

Sirius was still in bed, his eyes tinged with a heaviness that went beyond the physical.

“He just asked me a bunch of questions. What I knew, what they wanted, why Voldemort was coming to the house last night. I told him everything I told you. He kept asking about Regulus too…”

James nodded, taking a seat on the chair still lying next to Sirius’s bed and feeling his heart climb up into his throat.

“And?”

“I dunno. I told him everything. I think he wanted to know if Regulus was involved in…you know, what happened.”

If he was involved in what they did to Sirius. He couldn’t have been. James was sure of it. But…. then why did he send a note saying he was sorry?

James still hadn’t told Sirius about that. For some reason, he got the sense it had been meant for him. An apology to James. But for what?

“Do you mind if I go to sleep now?” Sirius asked quietly, resting his head in one hand, “it’s been a long day.”

“Oh…yeah, of course mate. Want me to stay?”

“No, it’s ok. I think I need to be alone for a bit.”

As James left the room, closing the door behind him, he felt a stab of fear shoot through his spine. Why was everything so wrong? It was Christmas and his family was broken apart. And then there was the matter of Regulus. James didn’t even know if he was safe and that scared him. Probably more than it should.

Then again, James had never been good at keeping distance. He always cared more than he should.

————

It didn’t seem possible for the house to get any colder than it had been when Regulus left. He was proven wrong rather quickly once he left Bellatrix’s. Her house had been a vacation in the tropics compared to Grimmauld Place.

“Kreacher,” he whispered, once he was inside the walls.

Instantly, the elf appeared with a snap, echoing through the stagnant air.

“Fires? Can you light them all, it’s fucking freezing in here.”

The elf nodded, disappearing with another snap. It made him flinch even though he knew it was coming. Something just felt wrong about making noise in this house. He was used to being a ghost, silent and drifting.

Slowly, he made his way down the hall, avoiding the closed doors of the library and walking up the stairs instead. The portraits lining the halls whispered in hushed voices, painted eyes tracking him as he went. Judging him, always judging him.

“Mother?” He questioned, knocking on the door to her room.

It wasn’t a good sign. She locked herself in here when things got bad.

After a few minutes of no response, he gently pushed the door inwards. Her room was dark and, if it was even possible, colder than the rest of the house. It was borderline freezing, he could see his breath billowing through the air.

Crossing the room he went to open the curtains and let some evening light in. The window was open behind the thick fabric and he shut it quickly. She would catch her death in this chill.

“Mum?” He asked again, turning to see her lying listless in the bed, eyes open, just watching. She was reminiscent of the paintings, a feature of the room rather than someone occupying it.

“Where did I go so wrong?” she asked, voice scratchy and thin. It made him shudder. This wasn’t the woman he knew, the strong, hardened woman who raised him was gone right now, only a shell left in her place.

Fuck he hated when she got like this, hated seeing the weakness she was capable of because that meant the weakness was in him too. Passed down through blood she was a part of him, good and bad.

“You didn’t,” he replied, crossing the room to take her hand, “this isn’t your fault.”

His words didn’t seem to register. Instead, she breathed out slowly, fixating on Regulus with an intense stare.

“It was worth it. It had to be…”

Regulus didn’t have anything to say to that. He was trying to convince himself of the same thing. Trying, and failing. Because it hadn’t been worth it. Not yet, at least.

“It wasn’t enough…..”

“Then make it enough,” she snapped back, “you do what needs to be done.”

Regulus nodded, backing out of the room. He would. He always did.

Chapter Text

Friday, January 2

By the time Saturday rolled around, Sirius was out of bed and James could almost pretend this Christmas was like all the rest.

They did presents on the following Sunday and slowly, things returned to a semblance of normal. Or, as normal as they could be under the circumstances.

It wasn’t normal, of course. Most nights Sirius woke up screaming at least once, though he told James he didn’t know why. James didn’t believe him. Sirius had a specific look when he lied and he was lying.

Remus had taken to sleeping in Sirius’s room after the first night. Sirius said it helped to have someone in there with him, just so he wasn’t alone. James would be lying if he said that didn’t sting a little. He should have been Sirius’s first choice. But he let it go. There were far more important things to think about, and if Sirius was happy, then so be it.

Too soon it was time to go back to Hogwarts again.

It felt strange, returning to school after all that had happened. Surely there should be some sort of consequence for the Blacks after what they did.

James had brought that exact thing up one evening, after everyone else had gone to bed. Him and Euphemia were sitting having tea in the living room, their tradition when he was home since Fleamont went to bed early.

His mother had just shook her head sadly when James broached the topic.

“That isn’t the way this world works anymore. Far too many evil people are getting away with it now.”

It wasn’t fair. Sirius deserved justice.

She didn’t have an answer for that.

————

Regulus felt like there were ants crawling under his skin as he sat alone in an empty compartment, watching through the window as his classmates said their goodbyes to their families.

It had been silent the rest of the break, no letters from Sirius or James or even Pandora. Not that he really expected any, he usually went his holidays without hearing anything. But this time he couldn’t determine if that was normal or a bad sign.

He regretted sending that note to James. It had been a stupid idea, an emotional decision and Regulus despised people who let their emotions lead them. It was one of the things he prided himself on; thinking with his head.

So now what was he to do? Head back to Hogwarts pretending like nothing had happened? At the very least he would have to explain himself to James, if not Sirius. Surely his brother would be wondering why he was missing a good hour or two of his life and who better to ask than the only other person who had been there.

Fuck. This Christmas had caused quite a disaster for him. And that was without even mentioning the task he had received from Bellatrix.

He rested his head on the cool window pane, letting it fog up from the heat of his skin. Four hours of silence, that was what he would cling to before they were officially back at school and the drama began anew.

————

Sirius was quiet as they unpacked their things, he had been quiet the whole train ride, smoking cigarettes silently out the window with Remus. Possibly the only good thing to come out of this Christmas; whatever weird thing had been going on between the two of them this year seemed to have been solved over the last two weeks.

There was none of the awkward tension James had grown so used to. Instead, they seemed content with each other, perhaps even closer than before. He tried not to linger on it. These days Remus was one of the only things that could put a smile on Sirius’s face.

As James unfolded a pair of red and yellow striped socks, he shot a glance over at the two of them. Peter was in his own world, already ensconced in the book he had received for the holidays, having finished his own unpacking ages ago.

Sirius and Remus though, seemed to be having a silent conversation between each other. To anyone else it would have just seemed like they were doing their own thing but James knew them better than anyone. There was a message hidden in the glances they were giving each other. James just didn’t know what that message was.

Privately, he didn’t give a toss. Sirius was ok, that was all that mattered, if he and Remus grew closer from that event, great. James had to focus his attention on the other Black brother now. Specifically if he was ok.

It had been weighing on his mind for days now, losing him sleep. Now that they were all back at school, James meant to find him as soon as possible and demand answers.

He just had to find an excuse.

Turns out, finding such a thing was harder than it seemed. Since classes didn’t start again until Monday he couldn’t use the library or feign studying, or really any of his usual excuses.

It was just after dinner that he finally managed to slip away, citing a headache. It wasn’t a full lie, he could feel one coming on. After hours of catching up with Mary, Marlene and Lily, (that Sirius had insisted upon), he was dead tired and wanted nothing more than to go to bed.

Instead of doing that though, he sprinted up to the dorm and retrieved the Marauders Map. Regulus hadn’t been at dinner, James knew that for a fact, he had been anxiously scanning the Slytherin table all night hoping for a glimpse of that familiar black hair. Barty and Evan had been there, along with Pandora and Dorcas, but no Regulus.

It was in the Astronomy Tower that James finally located his name, drifting slowly around the circular room. He didn’t waste any time heading there, unfolding the cloak around him as a precaution and shooting off down the hall at a run.

————

Honestly it took James longer than Regulus had expected.

He had been waiting in the tower for an hour, skipping dinner and instead pulling himself into the familiar room and slipping into the comfortable skin of the cat to wait.

He didn’t even remember falling asleep, but as the familiar bang of the trapdoor echoed through the tower, he jolted awake, finding James standing across the room, arms folded. Swiftly, he transformed back into human and stood up, meeting his eyes with a blank expression. It was important to stay detached. He needed to stay detached to sell this lie properly.

“What happened,” James asked softly, scanning Regulus’s face.

“What do you know?”

James shifted slightly, running a hand through his hair before waving one at the pillows, inviting Regulus to sit. He took it, figuring they might be here for a while.

“Sirius isn’t ever going back there, I know that for a fact. They tortured him, Regulus. Did you know that? Were you there? Did you see it happen?”

Ok. So that didn’t mean much of anything. Any good healer could tell what spells they used on him, it didn’t mean that James knew anything else.

“I know…”

“Okay so why then? Why did they do it? Were you a part of it? Did they hurt you too?”

Regulus took a deep breath, closing his eyes before starting.

“It was a meeting for Voldemort. Something they do often apparently. I knew about it before, that’s why I didn’t want him coming home. You know him James, you know how he is, he can’t ever keep his fucking mouth shut.”

He was a good liar. Knew just how much emotion to put in to really sell the tale he was spinning.

“What did he do?”

“What he always does. He made a damn mess. And they tortured him for it.”

James breathed out slowly, looking up at the sky for a second before turning back. “Were you there? Who are they? Do you remember names? Faces?”

“No.”

“Why did they obliviate him? And why did you send me a note saying sorry? None of this makes any sense, Regulus.”

Regulus chose his words carefully, measuring out each syllable before speaking. “He couldn’t know. They were talking about plans, movements for the war and they thought he would tell.”

“Why are you sorry then?”

“…I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop it.”

He let his voice crack a little on the last words. The more emotion, the more James would believe it. It wasn’t like that was exactly hard. He was sorry that it happened that way.

“Well that’s great then! You were there, so we can go to Dumbledore and you can tell him what they’re planning and who’s involved-“

“No. Don’t you get it James? I’m not selling out my family! Besides, they were all wearing masks, I didn’t see anyones faces and their plans weren’t exactly anything new. I’m not going to Dumbledore, it was just a family matter that got out of hand. You already said yourself that Sirius is never going back so he’s safe now. It won’t happen again. Just let it go.”

“What about you?”

The words hit like a dagger, stabbing Regulus in the chest with such force. No one cared what happened to him. This was his duty, he needed to be there, regardless of what it took. He knew that now, understood it more than he ever had before. It was his place, his lot in life.

“They need me. I’m the heir now with Sirius gone.”

“Regulus…..it doesn’t end with this. This is just the start. They tortured your own brother in front of you! How can you possibly think that you need to stay? How can you think that it won’t keep escalating? If your family is involved with….Voldemort, so are you! You’re okay with that?!”

He had met Voldemort. Talked to him. James had it wrong. Everyone had it wrong. He wasn’t the bad guy, he was just doing what needed to be done. Truthfully, Regulus admired him. He wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty for the greater good, and he was just making sure that anyone associated with him knew the cost of being on the right side of history. Sometimes things needed to get bloody, sometimes you needed to have the courage to do despicable things for the sake of the future.

Regulus wished he had that courage.

“I can’t leave. They need me.”

James stared at him, expression unreadable. It was silent for a few moments before he spoke again.

“One day you’ll learn the true cost of that. And when that day comes, I’ll be here. Until then…….fuck, Regulus….. until then, we can just pretend, right? We can pretend that we aren’t on the opposite sides of a war? Because make no mistake, that is what you’re choosing, that is your future. And I don’t care because you’re my friend so I’ll be here for you…. but I won’t help you help them.”

Whatever he had been expecting James to say, it wasn’t that. Regulus had been prepared for him to leave, to curse, to scream even at the choice he was making, but he hadn’t expected James to stay.

Maybe that was James’ fatal flaw, not knowing when to pull the ripcord or give up on someone. Whatever the reason, Regulus was grateful for it. He liked James, he was the closest friend Regulus had, besides Pandora. He didn’t want to lose him, but he would if that’s what it took. Regulus was glad he didn’t have to.

“Yeah,” he replied softly, “we can pretend.”

————

They didn’t linger long in the Astronomy Tower after that. James had to get back before anyone returned to the common room and found him missing and Regulus needed to find Pandora. They said their goodbyes quickly, promising to return to their usual meetings on Tuesday nights.

Regulus was happy about that. He actually really enjoyed teaching James French. He liked being in charge of something.

As he climbed down the ladder, he reflected on just how useful it would be to have a map like James’. Finding Pandora was usually a task and a half. She had weird hiding spots and half the time he just resorted to finding her at meals because she was impossible to track down otherwise. He would need to do something about that. Maybe that communication charm he had learned about a few months ago? It was something to think about at least.

He decided to start at the Great Hall. Dinner would be just letting out so maybe he could catch her heading back to Ravenclaw.

As luck would have it, she was still in the Great Hall, chatting animatedly with Barty, Evan, and Dorcas at the Slytherin table. Regulus hadn’t seen any of them on the train, preferring to soak in his last moments of solitude instead.

It was Evan who noticed him first and shoved over on the bench to make room for him. “Good Christmas?” He asked.

“Good enough.”

Evan nodded and turned back to Dorcas as they continued their conversation about the difference between Yule and Christmas. Barty didn’t join in. He had that faraway look he always had after coming back from holidays. A residual effect of being Imperioed for two weeks. Regulus let him be.

“Pandora, did you wanna head to the greenhouse?” He asked, putting emphasis on the words.

She knew what he was asking. For her to get away from this table to somewhere they could talk freely.

“Sure. And then I can show you the rare bug collection Mum got me! There’s like ten different moths all framed separately!”

Or maybe she didn’t.

They got up and left, Pandora waving goodbye to Dorcas and Regulus staring straight ahead, waiting for her to catch up.

Regulus didn’t take her to the greenhouse. Instead, he found the nearest empty classroom and pulled her inside, casting a quick muffling charm and then locking the door.

“What-“

“You knew,” he started, “you knew something was going to happen over Christmas. That’s why you told me to give the ring back. How could you not fucking tell me?”

“It was better for you to not know. You can’t change anything so why would I make it harder for you when it doesn’t need to be?”

“No you should have told me, Pandora.”

Her eyes scanned his face anxiously.

“What happened?” She asked softly, like she was afraid to know the answer.

“What did you see?”

Pandora looked down at her hands for a moment, twisting one of the many rings she wore on a daily basis.

“You…. standing in a circle of people with your wand out. Blood on the carpet……your brother on the floor. ”

Regulus laughed, a sharp, humourless sound.

“Pretty accurate….. They made me torture him. As a kind of…initiation. But guess what? It didn’t even fucking do anything. Apparently I didn’t put on a good enough show.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You should have told me,” he repeated.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“Don’t assume that you know what’s best for me! It’s my life,” Regulus snapped at her.

Pandora nodded grimly, her face set with determination.

“Why don’t you care?” he asked suddenly, as if it was just dawning on him how understanding she was about all this “You can see all these things in the future, surely you know what my path in all this is. Why don’t you care that I’m joining with the ‘wrong side’ as everyone puts it?”

She stared back at him quietly for a moment, almost contemplating her words before speaking.

“I…. I had a vision at the start of this year. At least, it felt like a vision, but it wasn’t like my normal ones. This one didn’t show me anything tangible, it felt more like a…metaphor? But it was of two strings, one black and one gold, they were all tangled up together, knotted and tied in so many places that it could never be undone. Regulus…I think it was us. I think it was showing me that we’re bound to each other somehow. At some point our futures merge in a big way and we need each other. So all the rest? I don’t care. ”

Oh. Regulus didn’t quite know how to feel about that. Having his fate intertwined with Pandoras? It was a hard thing to swallow. Oddly enough though, he trusted her fully. Trusted that what she was saying was the complete truth. They had never lied to each-other before and he could see no reason for her to do so now.

“You don’t think I’m a bad person for torturing Sirius?” He whispered.

“You did what you had to do. Life is messy. It’s chaotic and things happen the way they’re supposed to. I wish your path was different but it is the way it is and you’re my best friend. Nothing could change my opinion of you.”

Privately, Regulus doubted that very much. Pandora was kind. She was pure and gentle while Regulus was not. Even if their lives were intertwined, there was no possible way she could completely excuse the things Regulus had done. Or the things he was going to do.

————

Monday, January 5

The weekend passed by in a flash thanks to Sirius. He loved being back at Hogwarts, a little too much in James' opinion. He had all four of them busier than ever, planning pranks, sneaking into Hogsmeade, practising Quidditch in the snow-covered pitch. Every second of their day was booked solid.

He still wasn’t talking about Christmas either, or Regulus. Far as James could tell he was avoiding everything that had to do with the Black family.

It was slightly worrying in James' eyes. Sirius was throwing himself a bit too hard into extracurriculars, it made him think that maybe he was running from something. But then every time that doubt started to creep in, Sirius would flash him a cheeky smile or crack a joke and James figured everything must be okay.

Healing took time, maybe he just wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

Monday's classes were a sobering experience for James. Now that Christmas was over, there was no major break standing in between him and OWLS. Sure, he knew they were coming, Remus and Peter had been stressing about it since the first week of this year, but James had put it off, he had months to study.

Now though, the teachers were hammering it even harder than before. McGonagall started her lesson with a quick greeting before launching straight into a lecture on how important OWLS are and how ‘they can determine your very future’. The way she talked about it, with such a stern voice and grave tone almost made him burst out laughing.

The third lecture wasn’t quite as funny. Every single class he had that day had started off with a speech about OWLS and now he was finding it a little intimidating.

“-and if we don’t win the house cup this year I might fling myself from the Astronomy Tower!”

James entered the common room to find Marlene flopped across the couch, talking down to Mary on the floor.

“Oh,” Marlene said, shooting up once she spotted James, “Frank has been up my arse all day about our next practice, I’m supposed to tell you that it’s Thursday afternoon, rain or shine. Apparently he’s been working on some fresh plans over the break.”

“Great. Thanks Marls,”

“No problem. Hey, I never got to ask, how was your Christmas? I know you four spent the holidays together but Sirius gets squirmy when I bring it up and Remus and Peter just stare at me like I grew a third head, did something happen?”

James stopped at the base of the staircase, cursing silently in his head.

“Uh, it was fine, just some family drama. Would you do me a favour though? Don’t bring it up to Sirius? He’s had a rough couple of weeks.”

Marlene nodded, unconcerned.

“Sure, hope everything’s ok.”

“Yeah, it’s fine. See you at dinner?”

“Yeah.”

“Bye Mary,” he called, nodding in her direction before bounding up the stairs. His farewell went unanswered. She had been icing the four Marauders out since Sirius broke up with her. It didn’t bother James. He was just as pleasant towards her as he had always been. Mary and Sirius were ancient history in his eyes.

————

Tuesday, January 6

Barty was still groggy and out of it at breakfast on Tuesday, but Regulus could tell he was making a comeback. Especially when he tried to make some half-assed joke about oranges. Regulus didn’t understand it at all.

Pandora was sitting on the opposite side of the table, head ducked behind a wall of paper as she read the Daily Prophet, periodically sighing or laughing.

“What’s so funny then?” Evan asked, reaching for a strawberry.

She set the paper down with a slight smile, shoving it across the wood for him to see.

“I don’t get it, they found a new species of moth?”

“Yeah. But I already knew about this one, so they’re printing out of date information.”

“Oh….”

Rolling her eyes, Pandora snatched the paper back, unimpressed with her brother’s lack of interest.

As she ducked back behind the wall of print, a singular picture caught Regulus’s eye.

“Hey, can I see that for a second?” He asked, a cold feeling of dread creeping into his stomach.

She shrugged and passed it over and Regulus scanned the words underneath the picture of a smiling woman.

MINISTRY WORKER: ALICE WILKBY FOUND DEAD IN HER HOME, FOUL-PLAY SUSPECTED

Twenty-four year old Alice Wilkby, a renowned member of the Ministry of Magic and mother of four was found dead in her home on Saturday. Examination of the deceased showed evidence of foul play and dark magic. Her husband, Thomas Wilkby, and children are still missing. We ask anyone with information to please come forward at this time.

It was the woman from Bellatrix’s house.

Regulus slowly set down his breakfast, feeling slightly queasy.

Then, he picked it back up again. He shouldn’t be put off by this. She was a muggleborn, a stain to the entire wizarding world. Bellatrix had done the world a favour.

Normally, Regulus didn’t feel like this. He had seen dozens of articles like these in the paper, they were a weekly occurrence at this point. Why was this one affecting him so? Was it because he knew what had happened to her? Because he had seen the strange magic Bellatrix had used on her?

Just remembering the way her skin joined together in places it shouldn’t have made his stomach churn.

“Are you alright?” Pandora asked softly, taking the paper back.

“Yeah,” he replied, “just fine.”

Maybe if he tried really hard to believe it, it would become true.

“Oh, Barty, your Father’s in here,” Pandora called, causing Barty to drop his fork.

“What?”

“He’s been promoted to Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Congratulations!”

“Oh,” he replied, going after his fork and re-emerging from under the table looking paler than usual.

“Anything actually useful in that paper, Pandora?” Evan snapped, his tone harder than it should have been.

She frowned back at him and fell silent.

The rest of breakfast was a tense mess. Pandora read quietly, Regulus pushed his eggs around on the plate, too nauseous to eat anymore, and Barty continued staring off into space. He was almost happy when it was finally time to get to class, until he remembered it was double potions. Three hours of Slughorn.

Fucking perfect.

At least he had tonight to look forward to. He had actually really missed James over the holidays. He was always so bright and bubbly and Regulus could use some of that energy right now.

————

Regulus got there first, as usual and spent the extra five minutes lighting the candles strategically placed around the tower. It was his routine by now, though sometimes it did feel a bit odd to be alone in a tower full of candles with another boy.

Walburga would throw a damn fit if she knew.

Sirius had said something once, years ago, about that muggle singer he loved and she had flown completely off the handle. She’d locked him in a closet for two whole days, saying he couldn’t come out until he was normal again. Regulus hadn’t understood what she meant but Sirius explained it to him as he shoved pieces of bread through the crack.

“ She means ‘queer’, Reggie. She thinks I’m a queer.”

Then that had turned into a whole long conversation about what being gay was. Regulus had ignored him after that. If Sirius was ‘queer’ then he deserved to be in the closet until he was fixed.

He was still lighting candles when James arrived, an invisible force opening the trapdoor. Then, he did something strange. He took the cloak half off and appeared to be hiding something beneath it before setting it down in the corner.

Regulus knew he had something with him since it made an odd clank as it touched the floor.

“So…..what’s that?” He asked, putting his wand away and taking up a cushion.

James beamed at him, smiling ear to ear with a slight glimmer in his eyes.

“A Christmas present.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. Seriously? He was still on that? If anything, this previous Christmas had solidified his beliefs of it being a stupid holiday. Regulus had nothing but bad memories associated with it now.

“I didn’t get you anything.”

“That’s okay, I don’t want anything.”

But that wasn’t how it worked. He had explained this in depth before the holidays. If James got him a present, he had to get one back. It was basic decency and Regulus had never been one to ignore such laws of etiquette.

He really didn’t want to have to find a present for James. What the hell was he supposed to get anyways?

“I have to.”

“If you insist,” James yawned, leaning back and stretching. The hem of his shirt rode up slightly, exposing an inch of skin around his middle since he wasn’t wearing outer robes. Regulus looked away quickly.

“So….”

“So?”

“You got me a present, what is it?”

The candles fluttered slightly in the background as James awkwardly carried the bundle of cloth back to where Regulus was sitting.

“Happy Christmas,” he smiled, shoving the parcel into Regulus’s hands.

It was heavy, far heavier than it looked. For a moment, he just looked back up at James, half wondering what he was supposed to do now.

“Open it then!”

So he did.

As soon as he took the cloak off, the room filled with a faint light. Regulus gasped looking down at it because it was possibly one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

The pot was a deep green and made of mottled stone, almost like snake scales. But the real prize was what was inside. Sitting in the middle, surrounded by dark soil was a small plant. Its leaves shone with dim blue light while the flowers radiated the same blue, just at a higher intensity.

Regulus had never seen such a plant before, it appeared almost muggle in nature but the magic exuding from it was unmistakable.

“D’you like it?” James asked excitedly, leaning forwards.

“I love it,” he answered truthfully, “where did you get it?”

“Oh, well I found it at a muggle greenhouse. Apparently it’s a hibiscus, whatever that means. And then I used some magic to charm it to glow. It took some work. A lot of work, actually, but Remus helped me and we anchored the charm to the soil so as long as it’s in that pot, it’ll glow forever.”

“Thank you. Really.”

The other boy continued beaming, looking rather proud of himself.

“See, Christmas isn’t all bad!”

Regulus rolled his eyes and carefully placed the pot next to him.

“Okay, enough Christmas talk. You have French to learn.”

“Doesn’t my awesome gift earn me a few more minutes of chatting?” James pouted dramatically.

Regulus glared back at him but conceded. It was a worthy gift.

They didn’t end up practicing any French that night, instead they wasted the hours away, talking about quidditch and Christmas and different plants Regulus was growing in the greenhouse and anything else under the sun.

When Regulus finally returned to his dorm that night, he fell asleep quickly, the glow from the plant shining faintly through his curtains.

————

James wasn’t quite sure what woke him up that night. He had never been a light sleeper, usually when he was out, he was out. Unless there was a noise or something to start him awake. That didn’t happen that night though.

It was completely silent, save the sound of his friend's light breathing.

Only, one of them was missing. Sirius, the one who usually snored the loudest, was dead silent.

Already, James felt a stab of anxiety. He pushed out of bed and grabbed his glasses before tiptoeing to Sirius’s bed.

Empty.

James took a deep breath and steadied his hands. Maybe Sirius was just down in the common room because he couldn’t sleep? He would check first, and then raise the alarm if he wasn’t down there.

Fortunately, he was. And as James stumbled down the stairs, still half asleep, he found Sirius slumped on a chair beside the fire, one hand draped over the side of the armrest clutching a glass bottle half full of amber liquid.

“Sirius?” James ventured, the floor creaking as he stepped off the stairs.

Almost instantly his head perked up.

“Oh…hey James.”

He took a seat on the opposite couch and eyed the bottle in his hand. Firewhiskey. On a Tuesday night? Interesting choice.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Sirius mutters, bringing his knees up to his chest.

“Are you ok?”

Sirius stared at him for a long moment.

“I think….whoever obliviated me fucked it up. I keep seeing things in my dreams. Things from….that night. It's just flashes, bits and pieces here and there and none of it makes any sense.”

Wait. Was that a thing? James had never heard of someone recovering their memories after a memory charm. He would need to do some research. And…..was that a good thing? James had thought it was better that Sirius didn’t remember being tortured, what did it mean that he was gaining it back?

“Oh……”

“Yeah.”

“So what do you remember then?”

“Not much. Glimpses of scenes that don’t fit. Bellatrix laughing. A tray of wine glasses. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle and someone took all the pieces except for the corners.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he laughed, throwing his head back, “bloody hell it’s just par for the course with my family. The elite family of Blacks. Toujours Pur.”

He was drunk. James looked at the bottle now on the ground. A good half of it was empty. That wasn’t a particularly great sign.

“Listen, Sirius, why don’t we go back to bed. Get you some water, get some sleep.”

“Nah I wanna stay here.”

Frowning, James shot a look at the stairs. Someone was coming down.

“Where’s the fire?” Remus yawned, emerging from the stairwell in his pyjamas.

“Nowhere, we’re just talking. We’re going back up now.”

“Nope,” Sirius scowled, “James was going. I’m not.”

“Come on, Sirius, let’s go to bed, I’m tired, please?”

Remus leaned into the bottom of the stairwell, his eyes flicking around the room. “S’allright James, I can stay. I’m awake now anyways.”

He didn’t really want to leave Sirius, but Remus had offered to stay and James was dead tired. Reluctantly he rose and gave up his chair. Just before leaving, he nodded his head at the bottle on the floor, making sure Remus knew what was up.

“Yeah I got it, don’t worry,” the boy muttered before clapping James on the shoulder.

“G’night Padfoot,” he called, just catching a glimpse of Remus settling down by the fire before the stairwell blocked his view.

Chapter Text

Saturday, January 10

Regulus woke from his sleep in a tangle of sweaty sheets, his brother’s screams still ringing in his ears. At some point during his slumber he must have turned back to human.

It was a recurring nightmare now, reliving that night. Every dream was the same, a crowd of faceless people, encircling him, pressing in while they laughed and jeered.

He tried not to let it bother him. After all, he had been doing the right thing. And Sirius was fine, so really, it was all okay. No lasting harm done.

Right?

————

Despite his better judgement, James slept in that morning, rolling out of bed at half past eight (almost two whole hours later than he usually did).

Sirius had kept them up late last night, playing cards and half-heartedly throwing out ideas for pranks. He was putting on a good show, maybe even a great one. It fooled everyone but James.

Sirius couldn’t fool James, no matter how hard he tried. No, James had known the boy for years, they were two halves of each-other, and he knew when something was wrong. Sirius was trying too hard. His smiles were fake, and never reached his eyes and sometimes, when no one else was looking, he would stare off into space, his expression empty and numb.

It was worrying, to say the least, but every time James broached the topic, the boy either shut down completely or denied it.

So what could he do? He couldn’t force Sirius to talk about it, and James couldn’t help if Sirius didn’t want to talk.

Everything just felt so wrong and hopeless. His best friend was slowly losing himself and James couldn’t do anything about it.

And then there was Regulus. He really wasn’t sure how it happened. Maybe it was because he had a soft spot for ‘strays’ as his mother called them. Or maybe it was because James was drawn to flawed people. Either way, he had grown to care about Regulus. Possibly more than he should, all things considered.

He just wanted to fix everything for him, show the boy that he deserved a life of his own rather than one spent trying to please the Black family. Only, he didn’t have the slightest clue of how to go about that.

Regulus was so deeply withdrawn and closed off. He was constantly on the defensive, like someone was about to snatch away his thoughts and air them to the world.

But then, there were times when they were alone that his defences dropped and for a moment, James could see the real Regulus. His posture would relax and that permanent scowl would drop and then he would make a joke or a comment before instantly seeking out James' eyes, scanning them to see what he thought.

James loved that version of Regulus. He wished he got to see him more often.

So he was sleeping in. Because he couldn’t do anything about any of those problems and it fucking sucked.

When he finally did get out of bed, he found all his roommates were out already. Even Sirius who was notorious for sleeping in. He hadn’t been sleeping much as of late, though. Ever since they had gotten back to school it felt like Sirius was avoiding his bed altogether.

James dressed quickly, only barely remembering to grab his wand before skating down the halls to get to breakfast before it ended.

The Gryffindor table was almost empty, with only a few remaining stragglers. Lily Evans being one of them. James sat down next to her, his eyes flicking down to the book she was reading.

“A History of Magical Plants? I thought you weren’t taking Herbology this term?”

“Oh,” she closed the book and stared up at him coldly, “no it’s more of a personal interest.”

“Hm.” James nodded and began filling his plate, piling on remnants of eggs, sausages, tomatoes and toast. He turned back to Lily, gesturing for her to pass the jam and then reaching past her when she ignored him.

“Thanks. So….Plangentine,” he leaned over, reading a section from her book before jumping back at the disturbing plant oozing green slime depicted on the page “oh, bloody hell, that’s weird!”

She glared at him for a second before sighing and closing the book. “ It’s actually a fascinating plant.”

“I’m sure it is, just didn’t realize you were this into plants.”

“Yes, well that would require you actually paying attention to your classmates instead of bullying people who don’t deserve it!”

James dropped his fork. “I get the sense you’re mad at me.”

“No, Potter, we’re just peachy! Bloody hell, you and Sirius, you’re both the same. You stalk around the castle acting like it belongs to you with no care for anyone else!”

“What did I do this time?” He asked indignantly. Far as he remembered, he had been a model student all week.

“Not you, Sirius! He hexed Severus in the corridor yesterday, he had to go to the hospital wing to have his face lanced of boils!”

Despite his better judgment, James snickered at that. He wished Sirius would have told him.

“So?” He questioned, dropping the smirk as she continued glaring, it was a pretty large book she had and he didn’t fancy getting smacked with it, “what does that have to do with me? I didn’t hex him.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows you’re the only person that can make Sirius do anything, so I’m just asking you to make him lay off a bit? Please? Ever since he’s been back at school he’s been targeting him more than usual. Severus had a hard Christmas.”

He wasn’t the only one, James thought darkly.

“Fine.”

Lily nodded at that and continued with reading her book while James returned to his eggs.

————

Regulus had missed the greenhouses. The plants, the smell of dirt and greenery and life, even the mud caked under his fingernails. It all made him feel alive again.

Pandora was there too, working silently on the other side of the room, though she wasn’t working on anything plant-related considering the strange sparks and muttered spells that kept slipping past her wards.

She wouldn’t tell him exactly what she was doing but he figured it was just another one of her weird interests. He didn’t let it bother him. This was the first time he had felt normal since returning to school.

It was past lunch by the time she finally revealed her tinkering.

He heard the wards drop and turned as she pranced over, a huge smile on her face and her hands hidden behind her back.

“Okay, close your eyes,” she instructed, vibrating with energy.

Regulus obeyed but not before sighing dramatically. “Not everything needs to be some big event, you know?”

“Shush. I spent a lot of time on these, they need a proper introduction.”

Fucking hell. If she placed some weird creature into his hands while his eyes were closed he might just lose it. It would be just like Pandora to get him a Snarfolopagus or some other strange creature and think it was a wonderful gift.

“Okay……open!”

Sitting in her hands were two rings. One of them was golden, surrounded by small metal leaves and shimmering with tiny gemstones. The other was less obvious, just a small black circle that seemed to flash hints of green where the light caught it.

He could sense the magic radiating from them, powerful magic. She must have spent weeks perfecting it.

“They’re rings,” she explained, ignoring the look on Regulus’s face, “but they’re special. They’re for finding each other. See, look. You just have to tap it with your wand and they’ll connect.”

Whipping out her wand she handed the black one to Regulus, took a few steps back and then tapped her own ring. Instantly, a thin red beam appeared, connecting the two circles.

“So you can always find me. And, the best part is that no one can see the beam but us!! And it won’t go through walls or anywhere you can’t go, it’ll just take you on the straightest path there so it also doubles as a map in case you’re lost!”

“Pandora, I think you might be a genius.” He wholeheartedly meant it. For months now he had been wanting something like this. He had even considered making something himself. He was extremely tired of scouring the halls and hiding spots looking for her. It was exactly what they needed.

“I know,” she smiled, “here, tap it again and the light will go away.”

He did as she said and sure enough, the light vanished in his palm. He slipped the ring onto his left hand and flexed his fingers. It fit perfectly.

“Thank you. Really. Hey- this doesn’t have to do with one of your visions, right?”

She looked away at that. Great. So it definitely did.

“Not for a while.”

“So it does?”

“You don’t have to worry about it for now. Right now they’re just useful so you don’t have to keep wandering the castle to find me.”

He could make her tell him. He could throw their last conversation in her face and use it to make her reveal what she knew but what was the point. She would probably tell him when he needed to know. Probably.

“Fine,” he surrendered instead, “now are you going to help me with these plants or do I have to do it all myself?”

Pandora smiled and rolled up her sleeves before using her wand to summon a pot from the table beside them.

————

They left the greenhouse just before dinner. Regulus almost didn’t go. He hadn’t been eating very much recently. Recently it felt like his stomach was always in a state of rejecting food.

Pandora dragged him to dinner though, and spent half the meal pushing various platters his way with a kind smile. He appreciated the gesture but the smell of food was really just making him nauseous.

At least Barty and Evan were back to their usual antics, providing an excellent distraction and ensuring no one noticed him staring at the Gryffindor table. Regulus listened to them while he poked at the food Pandora had piled onto his plate and watched Sirius.

He looked good enough. Not sickly or anything but not really his usual self. If Regulus even knew what his regular self was anymore. He probably didn’t.

The Sirius he remembered was loud and outgoing, vibrant and uncaring with a hint of recklessness. The boy across the hall was none of that right now. Instead he was silent and dejected, slumped in his seat like he was trying to avoid attention. The very opposite of how Sirius used to be.

“You gotten your electives picked for next term yet?” Evan asked, snapping Regulus’s attention back to earth.

Fuck, that was right. They had exams coming up at the end of the month which meant a new term started soon as well.. Honestly Regulus hadn’t even thought about it.

“I’ll just copy yours,” Barty replied, waving one hand like he didn’t care all that much, “what are you taking?”

“Care of Magical Creatures, Ancient Runes, and Arithmancy. I’m actually excited for Ancient Runes, it’s supposed to be fascinating.”

Barty snorted, “yeah, you would think that. What about you Reggie?”

Damn. He had to do that as well. They were still a few weeks out but this was around the time that they usually selected their courses for the next term. Double fuck. He would have to do that yet, despite the fact that it meant facing Slughorn's office once more.

“I’ve got it covered,” he replied absentmindedly, continuing to stare at the back of Sirius’s head.

Regulus left soon after, feigning a headache. Pandora narrowed her eyes in disappointment at his still full plate but let him go. He walked down the halls leading to the dungeon slowly, waiting for the corridor to empty completely before leaping into cat form.

Instantly he felt the tension in his head ease. A blanket of peace fell over his mind, enveloping all his worries and sending them far away. Animagus was one hell of a drug. It was addicting in a way, knowing that at any time he could just choose not to exist anymore. He could fall away into the skin of another and simply be.

There was no war in cat form. No estranged brother, no complicated family relationships, no missions from Bellatrix, no exams. Nothing but peace and quiet and sleep instead.

He slipped away into the shadows silently, finding a quiet window corner to curl up in while the sun set outside.

————

“Reggie?”

He started awake suddenly, a hand jabbing into his stomach painfully. Jolting up he hissed back and smacked one paw forward, making contact and sinking his claws into flesh.

Instantly the human hand retracted and Regulus looked up to find Barty sitting on the window ledge, one finger pressed into his mouth.

“If that isn’t you I’m gonna be really pissed. Bloody fucking cats…” he muttered, staring down.

Regulus considered just ignoring him and waiting for him to move on but something pressed at him from behind the haze of his animalistic mind. And besides, Barty usually didn’t bother him unless it was important.

Slowly and deliberately, he rose, stretching and yawning first before leaping from the windowsill. After making sure the hall was clear he transformed back to human and glowered at Barty.

“What?”

The boy let out a short laugh, “I’m bleeding, you know? Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s not nice to hurt your friends?”

“It’s not nice to wake them up either,” he countered, crossing his arms, “how did you even find me? There’s a million black cats lurking around this castle.”

“Pandora.”

Of course. Sellout. Regulus rolled his eyes and took a seat next to Barty. The bench was still warm where he had slept.

“So,” Barty asked, rifling through his pockets and sticking a thin white cigarette between his lips before lighting it with the tip of his wand, “what’s up with you?”

“Nothing. Just taking a nap.”

The other boy exhaled slowly and Regulus had to stifle the urge to cough as the smoke entered his lungs. “Bullshit. You’ve been weird since Christmas. More weird than usual, anyhow.”

“I’m fine,” he replied in a collected voice.

“You don’t eat anymore. You skip half the meals and the ones you do come to you spend the entire time staring at the Gryffindor table. Lover's quarrel with pretty-boy-Potter? Or more family bullshit?”

Regulus scoffed, offended by the insinuation. This was strange. He didn’t talk about these things with Barty. They never did. It was a well known rule in their trio that no one talked about family or the fucked up things that went on at home, apart from making an odd joke about it.

“Why don’t we talk about your Christmas then? Since you’re so interested. I’m sure you have a hell of a lot more to say than I do. Or maybe not considering you weren’t really there for most of it,” Regulus spat. He was fully aware he was being an ass but Barty was the one starting it; coming after him with all these questions. It was fucking weird.

He didn’t seem one bit phased however. Instead, he just looked at Regulus and took another drag from his cigarette. “Okay. What do you wanna know?”

Regulus blinked, taken aback for a second before quickly regaining his composure. “What does it feel like to be Imperioed?”

“Peaceful at first….like you’re drifting through a fog and whatever they’re telling you is just the right way to go or the right thing to do. Then it feels off. Something in your mind can tell that it’s wrong, that it’s not the choice you should be making, and then you realize it’s because they’re not your choices at all. It hurts if you try to fight it, like trying to make your blood flow in the opposite direction. I don’t fight it anymore. The worst is when the spell lifts though. The longer you’ve been under it the harder it is to come back to reality and make decisions for yourself again. It’s fucking exhausting, every choice is a chore when it used to be simple. Like toast or eggs, I have to choose now instead of being told what to do. Why?”

The back of Regulus’s throat tasted of ashes. “Is it worse than being….Crucioed?”

Barty swallowed and leaned back into the windowsill. “I don’t know. I’ve never been Crucioed. Why?”

A part of him considered lying but really he was desperate to tell someone the whole truth. As much as he trusted Pandora there would always be that part of her that was good and kind. She could never fully understand. Barty would though.

“I met Voldemort over Christmas break. He made me- no fuck that, he didn’t make me. It was a choice. I Crucioed Sirius. To get in.”

“Fuck. So are you then? In?”

“No,” Regulus let out a bitter laugh, “I didn’t put on a good enough show. I will though. Soon enough I’ll be in.”

He produced a small vial from the folds of his robes and flicked it through his fingers. The glass shone with a glimmer orange liquid. Bellatrix had given it to him over the break and he had been carrying it with him ever since, waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it.

“It’s poison. A damn strong one too.”

Barty pressed the butt of his cigarette into the windowsill and wiped his hands on his robes before leaning in. “For who?”

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Barty. Regulus could count on one hand the people he truly trusted, and Barty was one of them, but a part of him still hesitated. This wasn’t some stupid prank that would earn him detention; this was attempted murder. He could go to Azkaban if anyone found out what he was planning to do.

“I’m not gonna say anything. I want to help, Reg. Fuck, what am I doing now? Wasting my life away in this school, waiting to graduate so I can be imprisoned at home under the Imperio curse for the rest of my life? I want to be a part of this war, make this world a better place, and pissing off my dad while doing it would just be a bonus. Now who are we poisoning?”

Regulus searched his eyes for a moment before speaking. “Dumbledore. I’m not sure why, but this is what I was told to do, so I’m doing it. And anyways, he would never expect it from a student. Only I can’t get close enough to him. It’s not like I can go up to his goblet in the Great Hall or sneak into his office. I don’t even know where it is.”

A laugh echoed through the corridor. “You’ve never been to Dumbledore’s office?” Barty asked incredulously.

“No. I’ve never even had detention.”

“Bloody hell Reg,” Barty clapped his shoulder lightly, “you need to live a little.”

“Fuck off.”

“I can help you with that part. Me and Evan got pulled in before Christmas for that little stunt with the first years.”

“What?”

“Y’know the frog thing?”

“No. Why, what did you do?”

“Bloody hell do you pay attention to anything that goes on around here?” Barty chuckled. “ We turned like half the first year class into toads and set them loose in the Great Hall.”

This was the first Regulus had even heard of it. Maybe he did need to pay more attention. “Okay….what? How? How do you even know how to do that? We don’t learn how to transfigure people until seventh year!”

“It wasn’t hard; me and Evan practiced on each other until we had it down. Actually it was you that inspired such a thing with your Animagus. But besides the point, as long as he hasn’t changed the password since then we should be good. Hey…. look, I know this is for a good cause but I dunno……don’t you feel a bit bad about this? Dumbledore seems alright, maybe a bit eccentric, but he’s an alright bloke. This isn’t going to kill him or anything, right?”

“No. It’ll just knock him out for a few days,” Regulus lied. The words slipping out easily. What Barty didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

“Okay. The entrance is on the third floor, behind that weird Gargoyle statue near the east side of the castle. Password is ‘mice pops’, Slughorn just said it to the statue and it became a staircase.”

Regulus nodded and filed the information away in his mind. He knew it was just another thing that needed to be done but he still felt that now-familiar feeling of despair creep into his stomach. How many times would he need to hurt people to prove he was worthy?

Dumbledore had never hurt him, unlike Sirius. Regulus didn’t have a particularly strong bond with the man, he had never even held a proper conversation with him, but killing him in cold blood felt wrong.

It’s just another casualty of war, he told himself, one more sacrifice for the greater good. I can do that. I’ve always done what needed to be done and now isn’t any different.

The words repeated through his head while he and Barty walked back down to the dungeons.

They didn’t ease the guilt that burrowed into his gut like a worm.

————

Monday, January 11

Sirius wasn’t paying attention again. Really if he wasn’t such a bloody genius James was sure he would be failing his classes. Instead of listening or taking notes, he was staring out the window and twirling a quill through his hands.

They were doing exam review, what with the end of term fast approaching. McGonagall was lecturing at the front of the class, her sharp eyes scanning the room every few minutes to ensure all the students were paying attention. For some reason though, she hadn’t called Sirius out yet. James strongly suspected that Dumbledore had put in a word with her.

“Psst, James, got a spare inkwell?” Peter whispered, jabbing him in the ribs.

Remus answered first, saving James the hassle by silently pulling a fresh pot from his bag and handing it over wordlessly.

James turned back to his notes.

It was hard enough to pay attention when Sirius was acting all out of sorts. He kept insisting he was fine but James knew better. It was really worrying, seeing his best mate acting like this.

When class was finally over, Sirius rushed out of the room without so much as a second glance back at his friends. James got the distinct impression he was on a mission. He was just about to follow when Mcgonagall called his name.

“Mister Potter, a word?” She raised one eyebrow and beckoned him to the front of the room while Peter and Remus packed up their things.

“We’ll wait, okay?” Remus whispered.

James nodded and slipped his own bag over his shoulders.

“Sirius Black,” McGonagall started once the room was empty, “is he quite alright?”

James looked around for a second before answering. It didn’t feel right, even if it was Mcgonagall. This was Sirius’s personal stuff and James kept his friends' secrets. Though, this wasn’t really a secret anymore was it?

“Yeah, he should be.”

“Good.” She pushed her spectacles higher up the bridge of her nose. “Then tell him the next time he nods off in one of my lessons he won’t be seeing the Quidditch pitch for a month. Good day, Potter”

James bit back a smile and nodded.

“So, what did she want?” Peter asked as James closed the door behind him and started off down the corridor.

“Pretty much told me to knock some sense into Sirius. You know, I don’t know why everyone thinks that I’ve got some control over him, he’s his own person.”

“Well…..she’s not really wrong mate,” Remus snorted.

“What about you Moony? You think I don’t notice you two are always spending time together these days? You probably see more of him than I do.”

Remus paled slightly and looked away.

“Yeah, what are you two doing all the time?”

“Nothing, just studying for exams and stuff….”

“Sure, Sirius studying, a likely story.”

James stayed quiet, smirking as his friends bickered.

“Look, he’s pretty fucked up from what happened still. I’m just trying to be a good friend and provide a bit of support, okay?”

“Hey I’ve been meaning to ask, the other night, was that just a one off or….” James trailed off, letting the question hang in the air for a second, “it’s just that a couple times he seems like he might be…..actually never mind.”

Peter looked on curiously but kept his mouth shut.

James didn’t need to be airing this stuff in front of Peter, even if he was one of their friends. He hadn’t been there that night when James had found Sirius drunk and it was pretty common knowledge that Peter and Sirius weren’t the closest in the group. It wasn’t like they were enemies or anything, they just had a different connection.

“Oh bloody hell, I’ve got to go, promised Lily I would meet her in the library for a study group,” Remus blurted out, hearing the chimes from the clock that signalled it was almost noon, “see you at dinner?”

“Yeah,” James called after him, “hey, see if you can get Sirius to join that study group!”

“Not a chance!” Peter snickered as Remus disappeared into the crowd.

————

Regulus had been expecting this for days now. Really he was surprised that it didn’t happen sooner. Like as-soon-as-he-stepped-off-the-Hogwarts-Express sooner.

He had just returned from the back corner of the library and was carrying far too many books when he spotted him.

Sirius was leaning on a wall when he got to the dungeons, scanning the halls with dark eyes and an unreadable expression. His face morphed into a look of satisfaction when they landed on Regulus and he pushed off the wall and started towards his brother.

“So?” Regulus asked before Sirius could say anything, “Finally come to ask?”

“Yeah. Wanna fill me in?” He snarled.

“Hmmm…… not particularly, no. Way I see it, if they wanted you to know, you would have.”

Sirius let out a sharp laugh, “right. Little Reggie, always the pride and joy of the Black family. You still defending them now? You know they used an Unforgivable on me? But, I suppose that was always going to end up happening right? Eventually they were going to graduate from Mummy’s little ‘slice and dice’ game.”

“Are you drunk?” Regulus asked, taking a step back and wrinkling his nose from the sharp smell of alcohol on his brother’s breath, “can’t keep your shit together for school even?”

It was his preferred method of deflection. Hit them where it hurts to stop the questions he didn’t want to answer.

Sirius ignored him. “I know you were there, shaking hands with that murderer.”

Regulus felt his veins turn to ice. Sirius couldn’t possibly remember that. Regulus had erased the entire night. Unless….was Sirius getting his memories back?

It wasn’t unheard of, especially in memory charms performed by inexperienced wizards. But how much did he remember? And what else would he remember in the future? Would he get it all back?

He forced his voice to stay calm. “Yeah? What else? Probably not much since you were tossed by hour one.”

“Why won’t you just tell me?” The anger in Sirius’s voice faltered for a moment, letting a tinge of sadness peak through.

“Just leave it alone. It’s for the best, Sirius. You won’t find anything you like in those memories.”

“They’re my memories. I have a right to them.”

“I’m trying to help you,” he warned.

“Help yourself.”

Something slammed into the stone floors around the corner, causing Sirius to whip his head around and investigate. Regulus saw his face twist with rage when he discovered the cause of the noise.

Severus. The boy was kneeling down to pick up a book that had fallen. Presumably what had caused the sound.

“Oh you get off on listening in to private conversations, Snivellus?” Sirius spat, whipping his wand out.

“You might want to consider taking your private conversations somewhere private then,” Severus sneered back, mirroring Sirius so the two were face-to face, wands drawn.

It was really a wonder Sirius hadn’t been expelled yet if this was how he handled small disputes.

“You’re not doing this,” Regulus warned, stepping in between them, “get out of here.”

“I would, but I might slip on the grease trail Slippery Snivel left behind.”

“How’s your boyfriend? Getting to that time of the month, isn’t it?” Severus questioned.

Sirius was practically shaking with rage now, his hand trembling slightly as he raised his wand and opened his mouth to curse the other boy.

“Go away Snape.” Regulus shot, staring daggers at the dark-haired boy.

“Say hi to Loony for me, would you? Ask him how he likes his cage.” Severus called before turning on his heel and leaving, fading away into the darkness of the corridor.

Sirius whirled on Regulus as soon as he was gone. “I don’t need your help!”

“Funny. That’s exactly what you came here for, wasn’t it?”

“Piss off, Regulus. I’ll find my own fucking way then.”

And he stalked away too, leaving Regulus to listen to the soft footsteps as a chill of fear crept down his spine.

Sirius was remembering.

Chapter Text

Saturday, January 17

James had joined him in the greenhouse again. It wasn’t exactly becoming a regular thing but it happened sometimes now. James would saunter in, map in hand and pretend to help for a few minutes before eventually giving up and relaxing back on one of the tables while Regulus worked.

Sometimes Pandora would join them, occasionally chiming in to the conversation or sitting in the corner humming to herself while she tinkered with various projects but usually it was just Regulus and James alone.

Today Regulus was working on the various non-magical plants that Professor Sprout kept around while James chattered away in the background.

“I can’t wait till I can get out of Potions classes. Can you believe I have to take it twice this year? Both bloody terms! I swear, it’s the most useless class Hogwarts offers. Unless you’re going into a career as a Potionsmaster or something like that it is completely pointless. I mean, there’s a Potions shop on every corner in Diagon Alley, if I ever need anything, I can just go there rather than spend days of my life stirring a bloody cauldron!”

“Passionate about this, aren’t you,” Regulus muttered, lifting a tendril with his wand to reveal a cluster of weeds tangled around the roots of the plant he was working on.

James hopped off his bench and wandered closer, leaning in to see what Regulus was doing. “Are you even listening?”

Regulus sighed and looked at him. “Potions is pointless, I believe that about sums up your rant?”

“Yep, pretty much,” James beamed back at him, “what plant is this then? Some priceless, rare obscurity or magical vine that only you’re allowed to touch?”

Holding back a snort, Regulus clipped a leaf and held it out. “This, Potter, is a mint plant.”

“Oh.”

“Make yourself useful, go grab me that pot,” Regulus pointed to the other side of the room where a stack of empty pots sat.

In seconds, James returned with his hands full and heaved the pot onto the table, dusting his hands off after he did.

“Excited for the exams next week?”

Regulus’s hand stiffened slightly at that and he overcorrected by slicing a bit too much of the plant off with his wand. He and Barty had planned their little adventure to take place during the Saturday feast after exams. Dumbledore would be distracted in the Great Hall so Regulus could slip into his office unnoticed.

“Sure. Can’t wait, ” his voice dripped with sarcasm.

“You and Sirius are-“ James paused mid-sentence and then continued in a slower voice, “so much alike.”

It was a well-known rule now that they didn’t talk about Sirius. It was a sore topic for both of them and Regulus was more than happy to pretend that he didn’t exist. His mind was full enough already with exams and the upcoming mission.

His brother’s bullshit didn’t need to be added to the pile right now. Even though it was a big fucking problem.

Regulus was ignoring it. Why live in fear for the other shoe to fall until it actually did? Far as he knew it might never even drop? Maybe Sirius would never recover his full memories?

He could hope at least.

“Yeah. Are you throwing a big party afterwards? I know how much you Gryffindors just love to drink.”

“Well, any excuse for a good time, right? What about you? Every house throws a party this time of year, are you going to one?”

“Are you inviting me?”

James’s eyes widened in shock before he realized Regulus was joking.

“I would, you know? If everything wasn’t so fucked.”

Sirius. Their friendship. The war. James’s stance on the war, and in comparison, Regulus’s. Fuck, if he really thought about it this entire thing was massively screwed up.

What the hell was he doing?

The mint tendril slipped from his fingers as the thought washed over him like a cold shower. Too late he realized his hand was in the way.

Stupid. Regulus didn’t make mistakes. Every move was calculated and pre-determined. He didn’t slip up like this.

Red blood bubbled up from the palm of his hand, spilling over the side and dripping onto the stone floors with a soft splat. He stared at it for a moment. It was so foreign and warm.

Then, his instincts kicked in and he dropped his wand, using the free hand to staunch the flow before it stained his robes.

“Bloody hell, you okay?” James asked anxiously, his eyes brimming with worry.

“Fine,” he snapped back.

“Oh, yes, you look fine….except you’re bleeding all over the floor. Here, let me fix it,” James reached out, grabbing Regulus’s wrist. The touch was warm and light, Regulus could easily pull away from it but he found he didn’t really want to.

“I’m not entirely confident that you won’t cause my hand to fall off…”

“Relax, I’m a great healer! Pomfrey loves me!”

“I don’t think anyone could hate you,” the words held more meaning than Regulus had meant and they lingered in the air for a second before he continued, “but if you leave a scar I will kill you.”

James rolled his eyes and produced his wand.

Regulus didn’t recognize the spell he used, but then, his knowledge of spells generally extended to the darker side of magic, not so much the healing part. Courtesy of the Black library books, he supposed.

It felt tingly but not unpleasant as his skin knit back together, leaving only a faint red mark in place of where the gash had been.

“Pretty sure that’s a scar,” he muttered, pulling his hand from where James had been holding it.

“Yeah maybe, but it’s small and no one will notice.”

Walburga might, depending on her mental state the next time Regulus returned home. This was the same woman who had threatened to homeschool him when he was bitten by a Mandrake in second year.

“I’ll notice. Should have just gone to Pomfrey. She doesn’t leave scars.”

James stared at him for a second, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “Why are you in such a mood today?”

“I’m not.”

“You are, actually. More than usual, snapping about scars and being all weird and distant, what’s up?”

Unconsciously, Regulus slipped a hand into his pocket and turned the vial of poison around in his fingers.

“Just stressed about exams,” he lied.

James raised his eyebrows and looked pointedly at the freshly healed hand. “Exams?”

“Yep.”

“Okay whatever,” he sighed, “I have to go, it’s a full moon tonight and I’ve got to meet Remus and the others beforehand. See you next Tuesday? You can tell me all about how hard your exams were.” It was accompanied with a bright smile that made Regulus feel even worse.

“Sure. Bye.”

James slipped out the door, letting it fall shut behind him and Regulus rested his elbows down on the potting table, putting his head into them. He was playing with fire here, and sooner or later he was bound to get burned.

Sunday, January 18

“What is a bezoar and what is it used for?”

James groaned and slumped his head on the wooden desk for the third time. “Goat’s stomach thingie, used for poisons.”

Remus frowned at him. “Goat stomach thingie?”

“Yeah. Like a clump of hair and grass and other stuff all mushed together into a ball. Look, I know this stuff, we’ve been studying for hours. Can we give it a rest please?”

“Fine. I have to go down to the pitch anyways, I promised Sirius I would bring him lunch. And then maybe we can convince him to come back in with us and do some revising.”

James brightened at that and began shoving parchment, books, and quills into his bag at record breaking speed. The thought of doing anything besides sitting in the library for another four hours was enough to drive the waves of sleep from his mind.

Ever since the rest of Marauders had started joining Remus on the full moons, he had been waking up with less injuries and recovering faster. Now, Madam Pomfrey even let him out of the hospital wing the same day, granted he passed her rigorous inspection and was deemed healthy.

James didn’t know how he did it. The nights had to be far more draining for Remus than it was for the rest of the group, yet he was up and about all day while James felt like he was about to drop dead from exhaustion.

They stopped at the kitchens first to collect some food. Finally, once their pockets (and hands) were full they set off to the pitch.

James would have joined Sirius there this morning but exams were more pressing than Quidditch. At least for right now.

Though he couldn’t ignore the pang of longing that hit his chest as they stepped out into the cool January air. Soon enough. He just needed to get past the next week and then it would be back to normal.

“Blimey, I don’t know how he does it, it’s too cold out here for anything, let alone flying,” James commented as they climbed the wooden stands.

Sirius was a black blur in the air as James and Remus settled into the stands. It didn’t take long for him to spot them though and the blur slowed into view, waving one hand before shooting off and doing a barrel-roll midair.

“SHOW OFF,” Remus called, cupping his hands to his mouth.

“YEAH, NO FOOD FOR YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP,” James added, laughing.

He could practically feel Sirius’s eyes rolling but the boy did slow down and start drifting towards them.

“What’d you bring then?” Sirius asked, dismounting his broom and shaking his hair out.

“Sandwiches, juice, and chocolate,” Remus presented proudly, patting his pockets where they were brimming with individually wrapped chocolates.

“Far be it for Moony to go anywhere without chocolate.”

Sirius was in a good mood today, James noted. Excellent. Maybe he could convince him to do some revision with them later. It was always more fun with Sirius to break up the monotony of studying.

“So, my dear friends,” Sirius started, plucking a sandwich from Remus’s hands and taking a large bite from it, “we have been amiss in our duties to this school as of late. It’s been an entire month since our latest prank and I intend to do something about it.”

“Sirius, we have exams next week. End of term? Remember? Can we push off the next prank at least until after the next term starts? Then we’ll be free to actually plan something big.”

James nodded along at this, better Remus say it than him.

“But that’s what makes it better, no one will see it coming!”

“Look, mate, this year actually counts and with OWLS coming up and stuff….. let’s just pull a big one at the start of February, yeah?”

Sirius shrugged him off and looked away. “Bloody hell, when did you two get so boring?”

“Sirius-“

“I’m busy, you two might as well get back to your studying. Thanks for the food.”

He took another bite of the sandwich before pressing it back into Remus’s hands and mounting his broom once more.

“That went well,” Remus commented, pulling his cloak tighter to stave off the freezing wind.

“Yeah. Let’s get back inside before my fingers fall off.”

Sirius faded to a dark blur in the sky as the two trudged back up to the castle, the wind whipping at their hair.

————

Tuesday, January 20

Regulus felt like his skin was on fire.

He wasn’t a failure in any sense of the word. He was a fucking Black. The Black heir now, the pride and joy of his family, the perfect son. He didn’t fail at anything.

Except Potions, apparently. For the first time in his entire life, he was failing at potions.

Their exam wasn’t even that hard; make a Sleeping Draught from memory. So why was he an hour into the final with a bright pink liquid in his cauldron while everyone else had achieved the sage green it was supposed to be?

His hands felt sweaty as he added the worm-root. A thin trickle of foul smelling smoke rose up from the surface of the potion and Evan looked over at him with alarm.

“You good?” He whispered.

They weren’t supposed to talk during the exams but some Professors were more strict about it than others. Slughorn, thankfully, was the type who didn’t care too much as long as he wasn’t having a full on conversation.

Regulus didn’t bother replying, he just nodded and frantically searched the back of his mind for any way to fix this mess.

His failure wasn’t for lack of trying. It was more about the minefield that his mind had become. Every road kept leading back to the small vial of poison concealed in the pocket of his robes and the thought that soon it wouldn’t be there anymore.

On one hand he knew it was a necessity, the only way to prove that he had what it took to be a part of Voldemort’s cause. But it was murder. Murder of an innocent man. Murder of a powerful wizard who had never wronged him.

What if he didn’t have the stomach for it? What if he couldn’t do it? What if he really was just weak?

No. That wasn’t an option. He had to do it. No matter what. Everything he had done couldn’t be for nothing. He needed to see it through to the end no matter what. Even if it meant living with the guilt for the rest of his life.

“Ooooh, Mister Black, not exactly what I had expected from you,” Slughorn tutted, shaking his head in disappointment as he walked by.

Regulus felt a stab of rage at his words. Why couldn’t he have been tasked with killing Slughorn? That would have been far easier.

In the far corner, someone snickered.

Fuck this then. Fuck this stupid potion, fuck his classmates, and fuck Bellatrix for giving him this stupid bloody mission.

“I’m done,” he muttered, standing up as Barty shot him a concerned look, “it’s unfixable.”

Every eye was on him as he stalked out of the room. He ignored them all and held his head high. He was better than all of them anyways. He was more important, from a better family. He was a pureblood for fucks sake. That was worth more than any grade.

It was rare for Hogwarts halls to be this empty in the middle of the day, but Regulus was glad of it. It ensured no one would see him leave.

Despite the abandoned corridors, he waited until he was back in the Slytherin dorms to call for Kreacher. The house elf appeared dutifully with a pop after a few seconds.

“Master Regulus?” his voice grated through the air.

“Take me to Bellatrix’,” he said in a clipped voice.

“As you command,” the elf nodded and held out a wrinkled hand. Regulus took it and instantly felt his stomach drop.

Side-along apparations with elves were choppier than with other wizards. It felt like he was being pulled apart at the seams. The few times he had done it with Walburga he barely even felt it. With Kreacher he puked almost every time.

This time was no different. They arrived on the steps of her house in the countryside and Regulus felt his stomach heave, a wave of nausea hitting him hard. The stone landing rushed up to greet him as he fell forwards, water and bile forcing it way out of his mouth and splattering into the snow-covered floor.

“Ow,” he gasped, the cool air rushing to his head.

It took another minute for him to collect himself and vanish the puke before knocking on the door.

This time a different house elf answered. She looked to be from the same family as the timid elf that had answered last time, they had the same blue eyes and watery smile.

“May I help you?” Her voice was soft but not shrewd.

“My cousin Bellatrix? Is she here?”

“The missus Lestrange is away at the moment.”

Regulus exhaled slowly, re-evaluating his options. Then Rodolphus sauntered into view behind the elf. He looked Regulus up and down before dismissing the elf with a careless wave of his hand.

“What do you want?” He asked, drawing his words out as if he had all the time in the world.

“My cousin,” he scowled back.

“She’s not here.”

No shit. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Fucking prick, Regulus had never liked him.

“Hmm,” Rodolphus leaned out the door, using one hand to swing off the frame, “why don’t you come on in little Black, we can await my wife together?”

He didn’t want to. Rodolphus made him uncomfortable. Rabastan too, actually. The both of them exuded this strange energy, like a feral dog, ready to snap at the next person who got too close. He didn’t have much of a choice though.

Commanding Kreacher to wait outside, he followed Rodolphus into the house.

They waited in the same sitting room as last time. Thankfully there was no prisoner this time around. Her muffled sobs had been off-putting and this entire interaction was already leaving a bad taste in Regulus’s mouth.

“So,” Rodolphus started, snatching a bottle of clear liquor from the cart in the corner, “I must say I rather enjoyed your mother’s Christmas party.”

Regulus swallowed hard and nodded along.

“Though, to speak plainly, you were a disappointment. I mean, crying? In front of the Dark Lord?” He sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. “I’m surprised he didn’t torture you.”

“What? Like that was supposed to be easy for me? I’m not fucking insane, of course…crucioing my brother was hard!”

Rabastan looked at him coldly and took a swig from the bottle. “That’s the point. It was supposed to be hard. The Dark Lord needs people who will do what needs to be done, not snivelling children like you.”

“I’m not a child.”

“Stop acting like one then. Bellatrix told me all about the poison she gave you, but from what I hear, old Dumbledore is still kicking around. You don’t have the guts for it, so stop pretending.”

His skin felt hot again. Anger bubbling up in his empty stomach. He had the guts. It was just…..different.

“Why Dumbledore? He’s just an old man, I thought the whole point was exterminating the mudbloods, not executing innocent wizards.”

“Innocent?” The man laughed heartily, “no one is innocent. And it’s not your place to ask why, your job is to follow orders. ‘Exterminating the mudbloods’ as you put it, comes later. We need to extinguish the rebellion first. Haven’t you been reading the papers Little Black? We’re at war right now, and Dumbledore is a part of it. So he needs to die. Only question is how. Are you going to man up and do your duty to the Wizarding World or cower in fear of getting your hands dirty?”

“I’m going to do it,” he mumbled.

“Good,” Rabastan beamed, “hurry up then. The longer you wait, the weaker you look.”

“I’m not weak.”

“So prove it.”

————

Friday, January 23

As James walked out of his last exam, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. No more insipid studying, no more late nights in the library, it was all over. Now, he wanted to get drunk.

As if mirroring his thoughts, Sirius came up from behind him and clapped an arm around his shoulder. “So, party time?”

“We’re partying?” Remus asked, walking up with his hands in his pockets.

“Indeed.”

“Really?” Lily chimed in, shouldering a bag, “you know, as a prefect, I should say that you all need to stop causing so much trouble….”

“Awwww really Evans, you’re gonna-“

“But,” she interrupted, “as your friend I would like to request that one of you source some Tequila.”

Sirius broke out into a huge grin at that. “Tequila?”

“It's muggle liquor.”

“Then Tequila we shall have,” Sirius threw his hands up, “Moony, would you do me the honour of accompanying me on this righteous mission?”

“Why yes, Padfoot, I would love to.”

James snorted and turned to Peter and Marlene as they approached. “Guess this means we’re on decorating duty.”

“Excellent. I’ll get Mary too.” Marlene skipped away, her hair swaying.

James wondered if Mary actually would help. She was still icing the Marauders out after the less-than-mutual breakup between her and Sirius. Privately, James thought she was being a tad dramatic by holding a grudge for this long but oh well, it wasn’t his problem.

“I’m always on decorating duty,” Peter complained.

“S’alright Petey, we can bring down the record player and listen to some music while we do, I’ll even let you pick.”

Peter brightened at that and the two of them headed off to the common room to dump their bags and begin the tedious process of stringing up banners.

————

Tequila, James discovered, was possibly the most foul thing he had ever tasted. Like how he imagined dragon piss would taste. It was utterly disgusting.

Lily loved it. Between her and Marlene, they skulled almost half the bottle. James stuck to simple Firewhiskey with Sirius and by midnight he was well and truly drunk.

It was good to be able to let loose a little, his last few weeks had been full of stress, whether it was about exams, Sirius, Regulus, he was enjoying having a night off.

So was everyone else, he noticed. Almost the entire Gryffindor house was partying with them. There were even a handful of Ravenclaws kicking around too. Most notably, Dorcas. James smirked to himself as he spotted her chatting with a Gryffindor boy. Marlene would be thrilled that she came….if she ever noticed from within her tequila coma.

“PRONGSSSSSSSS,” Sirius slurred, wiping the side of his mouth with a sleeve as he stumbled forwards, Remus holding him under one arm, “YOU MADE IT!!”

“Course I made it you wanker, I live here!” He shouted back over the music. Sirius didn’t acknowledge his response, instead he lurched forward towards an open chair as another Gryffindor boy got up from it.

“MOOONY, I FOUND US A CHAIR!” He screeched excitedly. Remus, slightly less drunk than his counterpart, rolled his eyes and went after him, shrugging helplessly at James.

James continued observing the scene around him for a bit, watching the conversation, the people, his friends all in one place having a good time. Maybe it was the liquor that was making him sentimental but suddenly he felt overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia.

He really fucking loved them. Sirius with his wild, carefree attitude, Remus with his quiet determination, Peter, quiet and witty with a dry sense of humour that never failed to make him laugh. He wanted to live in this moment for as long as he could, soak up the sounds of laughter and inject them under his skin so they would never leave.

It was a nice thought. Impossible, but nice.

“Good party,” Lily commented, snapping James from his thoughts as she walked up with the bottle of tequila tucked under her arm. The way she was cradling it, James thought she was worried someone was about to snatch it away. Probably Marlene, if he had to guess.

“Yeah? You should join them more often then.”

“We’ll see, Potter,” she smirked, “I do have a reputation to uphold, you know? Unlike you four.”

“Oh yeah, the perfect prefect, I get it. It’s nice though, having you here. You know, for a while this year I thought you hated me.” As soon as the words were out, James was mentally kicking himself for saying it. It was the alcohol, it had to be, it was making him say and do stupid things.

Lily frowned slightly, “I don’t hate you, just think you and your friends could be a bit nicer to certain people.”

“Well anyways, I’m glad you don’t hate me. Really.”

She smiled back and James felt his heart swell a little bit. He didn’t like the thought of anyone even disliking him, much less hating him. It was good to know Lily didn’t.

“Lily,” Marlene groaned, clutching her head and stumbling up behind them, “I think I’m dying.”

Lily let out a laugh, passing the bottle to James as she reached out for her friend. “I think she needs some water, and possibly a sandwich.”

“Oh, I can help! Wanna sneak down to the kitchens?” James lit up with excitement at the prospect of a secret mission this late at night.

“You know how to get into the kitchens? Oh of fucking course you do,” Lily giggled, “alright let’s go then, but you’re cleaning it up if she pukes on the way.”

James nodded and handed off the tequila to the nearest person. It was harder than it should have been to find the exit, what with the mass of bodies pressed into the common room, but soon enough they found themselves walking along the dark halls, music fading into the distance.

“It’s so spooky at night,” Marlene whispered, “what if we see a ghost?”

“Marls, there’s ghosts all over this castle,” James pointed out.

“Oh yeah….”

“Well as long as it’s not Peeves, we’ll be okay.”

James nodded at Lily’s words. Peeves would make a big fuss out of students being in the halls and alert the nearest teacher just so he could watch them get chewed out and laugh.

Thankfully, they made it to the kitchens with no issues and only one spotting of Filch as he turned a corner in the other direction.

“How did you even find this out?” Lily asked James as he prodded the giant pear on the painting of a bowl of fruit.

“Remus. He found it in second year because he kept missing lunch to be in the library and ‘was going to starve to death’ in his words.”

“Moony-moony-what-a-loony,” Marlene sang, wrenching free of Lily’s arms to twirl in the empty corridor, “hey, why is his name Moony?”

“Uhhhhh, he’s really into astronomy?” James lied, pulling the painting outwards and holding it for the girls to step through.

“Oh,” Marlene responded absentmindedly as Lily stepped past and shook her head with a knowing grin. James didn’t have the time or mental capacity to wonder what that meant.

As soon as they were inside, they were greeted by a flock of house elves falling over themselves to reach the students.

Each one carried a platter of some sort, mostly breakfast food as James guessed they were prepping for the morning already.

“Master Potter, some chocolate for Master Lupin?” One of the elves asked, pressing a wrapped bar into his hands. Just how often did Remus come here, James wondered, pocketing the chocolate with a smile and thanking the elf.

Within ten minutes, they were leaving again, their pockets and hands full. Marlene held a large sandwich, made especially for her by a small female elf named Bitty. She coveted the bread like it was her one true love, even staring down at it with adoring eyes.

“If I could marry a sandwich, I would,” she commented through her chewing once they were alone once more.

“I’ll rent a church,” Lily snickered.

“Church?” James questioned.

“Oh, it’s where muggles get married, like in front of God and everything. White dress, flowers, the whole lot… My sister's getting married soon actually. She just turned eighteen and is already getting hitched. I really can’t believe my parents are allowing it. She barely knows the bloke, they only met last year!”

Frowning, James struggled to keep up. He didn’t even know Lily had a sister. She certainly had never talked about her in front of James before.

“I’m sorry?”

“It’s okay. I just wish she would have told me. I had to find out through my mum,” Lily continued, throwing her hands up in exasperation.

“Are you going? To the wedding I mean?”

Lily shook her head, “no. She booked it purposefully during the week we have OWLS so I can’t.”

“Bloody hell, I’m sorry.”

“S’okay-“

Her words were cut off as Marlene let out a particularly loud moan following another bite of her comically large sandwich. Lily shushed her immediately and gave James a look as if to say ‘ see what I have to deal with?’

James chuckled to himself a bit and went up to help Lily grab an arm. Together they managed to drag Marlene back to the tower. It took a fair bit of trying as Marlene kept trying to rush off into dark hallways and duck into classrooms like they were playing an impromptu game of hide and seek.

When they finally got her back to Gryffindor, they found that the party had died down substantially. More than half of the crowd had left and the music had been turned down to a manageable level. Lily said her goodnights swiftly and went off shoving Marlene up the stairs as she did.

James went to take a seat at the couch amongst his friends, two of which were passed out in front of the fire with Remus resting his head on Sirius’s shin. It didn’t look remotely comfortable.

“Tequila?” Peter offered as he flopped into the seat.

James shook his head immediately. He wouldn’t drink tequila again if it was the last drink left on earth and he was dying of thirst.

“Croissant?” James counteroffered, pulling a slightly deflated pastry from his pocket. Peter took it and began nibbling at the edges.

“Think we should try and bring them up?” He asked, nodding at Sirius and Remus.

“Nah, leave ‘em here. Let ‘em wake up to the sound of the seventh-years heading out in five hours. That’ll teach them to fall asleep downstairs.”

Peter grinned at that and extracted himself from the couch. “Well, I’m off to bed then. G’night mate.”

“G’night.”

With Peter gone, James swung his legs up on the couch and settled down further, resting his head on the arm. It didn’t take long for him to nod off too after that, the few students still partying providing a comforting backdrop as his eyelids fell shut.

————

Saturday, January 24

The sound in the Great Hall was deafening. Regulus comforted himself with the fact that at least half of these students would be sporting hangovers from last night’s slew of parties and therefore were having a worse time than he was with the noise. At least he would be out of it soon.

“It’s just a means to an end. Like cutting out a weed before it strangles the plant.”

Dumbledore was part of the rebellion. He deserved to die. It was as simple as that. Besides, it wouldn’t really be Regulus’s fault, he was just putting it in his drink, if Dumbledore chose to drink it then that was on him.

Regulus stood up abruptly and looked at Barty. Recognition dawned in his eyes and he extracted himself from the bench as well, much to Evan’s confusion.

“Where are you going, the feast is just about to start?”

Barty saved him from having to answer. “We’ll be back in a minute. Just gotta do something quick.”

Evan threw up his hands in exasperation as they walked away.

The sound faded the further from the hall they got. Soon it was completely silent except for the soft patter of their footsteps upon stone.

“I’ll stand watch, okay?”

Regulus nodded as they approached the stage. Honestly, if Barty hadn’t told him this was where Dumbledore’s office was, he never would have looked at it twice. There were tons of these statues, depicting different kinds of magical creatures all over the school. Nothing special about them at all, except for this one.

Okay. Moment of truth.

Regulus felt more prepared this time. Of course, it helped knowing what he was going into rather than being thrown into a ceremony with no prior knowledge. He was confident now. Confident in the case, confident in wanting to be a part of it at any cost.

After all, he had paid a hefty price already. There was no backing out now, not after everything he had done to get here.

For a moment his mind flashed back to the scene during the Christmas party when Voldemort had entered the room. Everyone had gone silent and looked at him automatically. That was a person Regulus could trust, he was sure of it. Voldemort was a powerful wizard. A strong man who knew what needed to be done to make the world a better place. Regulus would do anything to be on his side.

“Mice pops,” he called, loud and clear.

Almost instantly the statue started moving. They spun around, revealing a staircase that seemed to wind up forever into the darkness. Without hesitating, Regulus stepped on.

It was a strange feeling, the staircase moving beneath him while he stood stationary. Of course, he was used to the moving steps at Hogwarts but those didn’t twist like this one. It was slightly disorienting and when it finally stopped, his vision was a bit warped.

In front of him was a door. A heavy, wooden door plated with black iron hinges and a matching black handle. The metal was cold under his fingers as he stepped in.

Dumbledore’s office was exactly as he had imagined it would be. Full of oddities and strange artifacts of every size, shape and colour. In one corner loomed a huge bookcase, a small table and chair sat in front of, sporting a small tea cup and an opened book. The rest of the office was crowded with shelves and tables absolutely covered in parchment.

Regulus thought he even spotted something moving amidst all the clutter, but maybe that was just his mind playing tricks on him. No matter. He had a job to do.

He approached the desk silently, looking around for a bottle of wine or a flask of some sort; something that Dumbeldore would drink out of again. Halfway through his search he found a bird. It was a huge thing, orange and fast asleep, tucked into an alcove below the stairs that presumably led up to where the Headmaster slept.

He brushed it off. He wasn’t here for birds.

Finally, after what felt like hours, he found a bottle of Firewhiskey. It was already open so he wouldn’t be able to tell it had been tampered with, and, even better, the whiskey was orange, just like the poison. Regulus uncorked the bottle and pulled the small vial out from his pocket.

He dumped the contents into the bottle swiftly before recorking it and giving it a swirl. Funny, the poison had smelled faintly of citrus.

“And may I ask just what you’ve put into my drink, Regulus Black?”

The voice echoed around the room with such force that Regulus dropped the bottle. It shattered at his feet and he was hit by an overpowering wave of the citrus smell. It permeated his nostrils and seemed to steal the very air from his lungs.

Coughing, he stumbled out from behind the desk and looked around for the source of the voice. His eyes landed in the corner, at the same table he had seen earlier with the teacup. Dumbledore sat there calmly regarding him, one leg crossed over the other.

“I know what you’re trying to do, you know? Oh yes, this entire endeavour has the smell of Riddle written all over it. I should have known he would try and steal my students from me eventually. He always had coveted a teaching position here. Perhaps he has sought out different ways to achieve his goals this time.”

Regulus stayed silent, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. What the fuck was this? How did he get past Barty? Had Barty abandoned him? You couldn’t apparate within the walls of Hogwarts, there was no other explanation.

“Come. Sit.” Dumbledore pulled his wand out and a chair appeared opposite the table. Regulus eyed it up but stayed where he was.

“I won’t bite,” his eyes twinkled mischievously, “sit.”

At last, Regulus moved, slowly and carefully he took a seat, folding his hands in his lap and staring back at the old man with a blank face.

“How did you get here so quickly? I thought we weren’t allowed to apparate within Hogwarts?”

Dumbledore smiled at him, a kind, friendly smile that crinkled his eyes.

“You are quite right, students are not permitted to apparate within the grounds. As Headmaster though, I have certain liberties. I’m sure you’re also wondering how I knew you were here. Don’t fret, your friend did not sell you out. Loyal to the bone, that one. I know the type.” His face flickered with a hint of sadness for a moment before returning to the gentle smile, “I have wards around my office, of course. So your little expedition alerted me to the presence of an intruder. Now, tea?”

With another wave of his wand, a fresh pot of tea and two cups appeared. He poured slowly, offering the first to Regulus, who let it sit untouched on the table.

“It saddens me to see this, Regulus. You’re a bright student, excellent grades, not a single detention despite your friendship with those two rambunctious Slytherin boys. If I may, how exactly did you fall in with Riddle? Did he approach you? Offer you fame? Glory? I know your family certainly doesn’t need riches.”

The room fell silent again as Dumbledore took a sip of tea.

“He didn’t offer me anything. It was my choice,” Regulus said, staring at the man square in the face.

“I see. And what happened to your brother over Christmas? Your choice too, I suppose?”

“How-“

“I went to see your brother the next day. Only an inexperienced wizard could produce such a memory charm. I take it that was your doing? Trying to help him after what happened that night?”

Regulus was growing tired of this game they were playing.

“What do you want?”

Dumbledore sighed and set down his tea cup. “I want you to spy for me. To reveal Riddle's secrets, help topple his organization from the inside out.”

The request was so absurd it was laughable. Regulus was never going to work for him. He had just tried to kill the man, did he really think that a cup of tea and a conversation was enough to turn him to the other side so easily?

Except…..it wasn’t a bad idea, now that he thought about it. Not to spy for Dumbledore obviously, but to spy for Voldemort. If he found an in with Dumbledore, with the resistance, Voldemort would need him. He could be useful in ways no one else could. Voldemort wouldn’t dare toss him aside.

He had to play it just right though. The Headmaster was a smart man, Regulus couldn’t simply agree, there needed to be an incentive. He couldn’t go from attempted murder to switching over that fast. It needed to be believable.

“Why would I do that?” Regulus asked, finally picking up his teacup. He held all the cards here now, it was his game they were playing.

“I can protect you. Protect your loved ones, your Mother perhaps. There’s a lot of talk about her…..issues.”

“So can Voldemort,” he countered, “my Mother is already safe.” Was this why Dumbledore thought Regulus was joining Voldemort? To protect his mother?

“Indeed. For now. Until her usefulness wanes. Most importantly though, I can offer you a choice in your life.”

Regulus swallowed a sip of the warm liquid and pretended to think about this.

“A choice?”

“I taught Tom Riddle, did you know that? I know the boy very well, I know what he wants and I know that he will stop at nothing to get it. He will destroy everyone and everything around him to get what he wants, including his followers. He will use you until there is nothing left and then he will get rid of you. Instead, I offer you life. A choice. An existence after this war is done.”

“Why?” He asked, letting his voice sound a bit more innocent than before.

“Because I believe in second chances. I believe that people can change and you, Regulus, have an opportunity to do so much good for the world. It would be a shame if you squandered it.”

Dumbledore was a liar, Regulus knew that. He didn’t care one bit about Regulus at all, he was just a tool to the man, a way to get what he wanted. Not at all unlike how Dumbledore had said Voldemort would use him.

But…he had one fatal flaw that Regulus could exploit. He was naive.

“I won’t work for you,” Regulus warned, “I won’t take orders from you or be a pawn in your games. But…..I’ll help. I’ll give you information where I can, only if it proves to be of little risk to me. I don’t care about this war. I just want to come out on the other side of it and if this gives me a better chance of that, then fine.”

“I see,” Dumbledore nodded slowly before getting up. “You should head back down to the feast, the elves have truly outdone themselves tonight. It is my understanding that you know how to contact me should you uncover any information I might need. Oh, and Regulus, tell no one about this. Riddle has eyes everywhere and I shudder to think of what may happen to you if he finds out about our…arrangement.”

Regulus left Dumbledore’s office feeling slightly lightheaded and giddy. He had fucking done it.

There was no way Voldemort would turn him away now. He would be welcomed with open arms after this. Like a true snake he had slipped his way in and made a nest among the birds, trusted and accomplished.

It wasn’t until years later that Regulus would realize he had made the wrong choice that day.

Chapter Text

Barty was waiting for Regulus at the bottom of the stairs, an expectant smile creeping up his face.

“So?” He whispered as the Gargoyle began to spin behind them, covering up the set of steps.

“I dropped it,” Regulus replied flippantly. It wasn’t a lie exactly, just not the whole truth.

“Fuck. Well, what now?”

“We go back to the feast and I go back to the drawing board. I’m sure Bellatrix has some other ideas for how we can gain Voldemort’s trust. Give me some time, okay?”

Barty nodded and they turned the corner to head back to the Great Hall. Evan was waiting for them with an extremely confused face and a plate full of kidney pie. Regulus’s stomach growled at the smell.

“Gonna clue me in at some point then?” Evan finally asked after Barty and Regulus sat down, showing no signs of wanting to talk about it.

“Nothing you need to concern yourself with, mink,” Barty laughed.

“Oh bloody hell are we back on this? I’m gonna kill my sister for ever telling you that in the first place.”

The two continued to bicker as Regulus loaded up his plate. He had to give it to Dumbledore, the man employed some excellent cooks. Briefly, he wondered if it would be possible to steal one of the elves for Grimmauld Place. He loved Kreacher dearly but the elf was horrific at cooking anything but toast, and unless specifically instructed by Walburga the rest of their elves never cooked at all.

By the time the platters had vanished, Regulus was full for what felt like the first time in weeks. He felt a bit like a cat, ready to curl up in his dorm and sleep. There were no classes until Monday and he had finished all the work in the greenhouse so really, he had nothing at all to do the next day except sleep.

It didn’t take long for that wish to become a reality. His head sank into the pillows with a soft thump and Regulus drifted off, not needing the crutch of his animagus to help him sleep for the first time in months.

————

Tuesday, January 27

Starting fresh classes was always a welcome change to James, he thrived off the change in routine. Besides, the start of the second term always meant Spring was around the corner, and with it, Quidditch.

He was sure this was the year Gryffindor was going to win the house cup. Currently they were in second place, with Ravenclaw in first and Slytherin in third. If Gryffindor won the rest of the Quidditch matches this year they had a solid chance of overtaking Ravenclaw.

The thought occupied his mind the entire way to the Astronomy tower. He calculated the points they would need based on every outcome, finally settling on the fact that they could lose a maximum of two games and still be in the running. That was fine, James didn’t plan on losing a single one.

Regulus was waiting in the tower for James, as he usually was. Unfortunately punctual, James thought, throwing open the trapdoor and sticking his head through.

“You’re late,” said Regulus, not bothering to look up from the book he was reading.

“Only by two minutes.”

“Still late.”

James clambered up into the tower and tossed his bag to the corner, ignoring the disgusted sigh from Regulus as he did.

This routine was standard by now. James would arrive late, Regulus would give him shit for it, James would bug Regulus about what he was doing or what he was reading, then eventually they would settle into a game of cards or practice their magic or do homework. The ruse of learning French was long since abandoned, James was shit at it anyways; the only enjoyable part had been watching Regulus speak it.

“Chess?” James asked after a few seconds of lingering silence.

“Yeah, alright then,” Regulus closed his book with a snap and sat up from the cushion he was lounging upon.

James smiled and collapsed onto the floor, summoning the chessboard from one of the nearby cupboards. The tower was full of odd things like that. Remnants from past lovers who had used this place as a meeting spot if James had to guess. It certainly wasn’t from any astronomy class.

“Did you know that there’s a species of moth that can cause electrical storms simply by flapping its wings? That would have been useful a few months ago, we wouldn’t have had to wait so damn long for a storm.”

James cast a wary look at Regulus. The boy wasn’t looking back as he spoke, instead he was arranging his pieces evenly along the board evenly, pushing a rook slightly back to make it centred. Yeah, that tracked. Only Regulus would set up a chess game with that level of precision.

“Confirmed? Or Pandora-level-confirmed?”

He exhaled slightly and looked up. “Pandora-level-confirmed.”

“Of course. I’m surprised she hasn’t traipsed off into the Forbidden Forest to find it yet.”

“Oh she would if they lived around here. Did I ever tell you that she made me run around in the middle of a snowstorm to find a snow-capped Budgle? I swear I could have died and she would have stepped over my frozen body to find one. Your move.”

James smiled and mirrored where Regulus had placed his pawn. “Pretty sure snow-capped Budgles are not on the Ministry approved list of existent magical creatures.”

“Yeah they definitely don’t exist.” Regulus pushed another pawn to the middle.

“Hang on, you’re a wizard, how would you have frozen to death?”

The boy shrugged and flicked his wand at a candle, extinguishing the flame with a soft hiss. “Can’t do warming spells. I’ve never really been able to.”

A sharp laugh escaped James' chest before he could stop it. Regulus glared at him with dark eyes, unhappy with being made fun of.

“Wait- seriously? Come on, you’re having a laugh?”

“No.” Regulus pouted, “anyways I’m sure there’s tons of spells you can’t do right either.”

“Yeah, but nothing as simple as a warming spell! I mean we learned that in the first year!” James was practically howling with laughter now. The thought of Regulus, the boy who had stood toe-to-toe with a sixth year and came away the winner, not being able to cast a basic temperature charm was too much.

Regulus pointed his wand straight at James, his eyes screwed in concentration, and muttered something. James felt a slight warmth tingle in his fingertips, then it was gone.

“No,” he gaped, “THAT WAS IT????”

“Fuck off,” Regulus folded his arms across his chest.

“So hang on,” James wheezed, unable to get the words out, “you just freeze in the winter?”

“Pandora does them for me!”

That took the damn cake. James doubled over with laughter, letting the floor swim up to catch him. Regulus shuffled backwards and started snatching up chess pieces to throw them at him.

“Noooooo, not my queen,” he shrieked in mock fear.

“I hate you,” Regulus laughed, tossing a rook James’ way.

“Oh, please, I’m the most loveable person in the world.”

“Not a chance!”

Regulus continued pelting James with pieces until he had amassed the entire collection. Now empty handed, Regulus was weaponless and on the losing side. James launched his counterattack swiftly, delivering retribution in the form of a swarm of pillows.

They surrounded the boy in every direction as James lazily flicked his wand and commanded them to fall. Instantly he disappeared beneath a mountain of multicoloured cushions. It took him a whole minute to crawl out from beneath them, grumpy but laughing and with his hair sticking up like he’d been electrocuted.

“Surrender yet?” James asked, his wand ready to summon another army if needed.

“NEVER!”

There was a loud bang as Regulus scurried backwards, flipping the chessboard to cover his retreat. James watched as he hid, throwing himself into a corner and whipping out his wand, his eyes sparkling with pure delight.

He wished that happened more often. James had never even seen Regulus smile outside of the astronomy tower, he wouldn’t be caught dead with his hair mussed up, smiling and laughing and waging war with a pile of pillows.

Outside of this tower, Regulus was a perfect porcelain doll. And it was a damn shame because he looked so much better like this.

————

Friday, January 30

Potions had been what anyone would call an unmitigated disaster.

The afternoon had started fine. James and Sirius had met up with Peter and Remus for lunch and they all shared stories of their mornings. Remus recounted his run in with a Kneazle in Care of Magical Creatures. Peter complained for the millionth time about having to take remedial Charms, but then presented a small frog-shaped pillbox and entertained the rest of them by having it croak on command. And Sirius told the story of how Professor Binns almost fell into a stack of books, which was arguably the most interesting thing to ever happen in that class.

All in all, it had been a great morning.

Until they went to Potions.

Another unfortunate thing about their new schedules; somehow they were still in double potions with the Slytherins on Fridays. Which, in turn, meant double Potions with Severus, the slimy git.

Really, it wouldn’t be half bad if he didn’t insist upon being the most insufferable know-it-all to ever grace the planet. If James had to listen to him sneer about how Slughorn was doing it wrong one more time, he was going to lob a dung-bomb into the boys cauldron.

Looking back, James thought that might have been a better solution compared to what had actually happened.

The first half of the lesson had been normal. Boring, tedious work but made a little better by Sirius’s whispered commentary and Peter’s excellent chopping skills.

And then all hell broke loose.

It started with Sirius, as per usual. Granted they were all making comments under their breath about Severus. It was one of the best ways to pass time in Potions.

“Really I’m surprised he doesn’t ruin every potion he makes with the amount of grease that drips in from his overly large nose,” Peter snickered.

“Think maybe he was hit with an engorging charm as a kid? Or perhaps a failed experiment with a bird? It would certainly explain the beaky quality,” Remus whispered back.

“Maybe his mother was a bird and he’s really some half-witted half-breed,” Sirius added, louder than the rest.

Severus whipped around in his chair at that, the hate practically dripping from his eyes. Sirius glared back as if daring him to make a move. Already, James could see his hand drifting down to where his wand was stowed.

“You’d know all about half-breeds, wouldn’t you Sirius?” Severus retorted, smirking with satisfaction.

“Fucks’s that supposed to mean?” he shot back, leaping from his desk and drawing his wand.

“Now then, back to your brewing please,” Slughorn boomed from the head of the classroom, barely gazing up at the altercation.

“I just mean you’re surrounded by them,” Severus continued, his eyes darting to Remus, who now looked extremely uncomfortable, “not to mention your family tree. Or, sorry, should I say family wreath. It’s a miracle you and your brother can even spell. Wait, can you spell?”

“Oh, I bet you’d like to learn all about my family, huh Snivellus? Fucking creepy little stalker.”

James froze in his seat with bated breath. The entire class was watching now, including Lily who had stopped mincing her newt and was looking on with abject horror. James found it quite odd really that she hadn’t stepped in yet. Usually she did.

“Shove off Snivellus, go back to your potion,” Remus called, tugging on Sirius’s robes to get him to sit back down.

“The half-breed speaks,” Severus laughed cruelly, “ why don’t you-“

His words were cut off by his entire cauldron being levitated and then upended over his head. A muffled gasp ran through the classroom as Slughorn shot to his feet and Severus began screaming.

The potion they were brewing was a powerful fertilizer. The entire class was made to wear dragon-hide gloves when brewing it as it caused extreme burns and severe pain when collided with human skin.

Everything was a blur after that. The class erupted into chaos with Severus at the head, writhing in pain on the ground even after Slughorn had vanished the potion. Sirius stood frozen in place, a grim sense of satisfaction on his face that quite honestly scared James. It was one thing to hate someone and make little comments here and there. It was another thing entirely to dump an agonizing potion over their head and watch them suffer.

Slughorn dismissed the class for the day amidst the disarray and left to bring Severus to the hospital wing.

Lily was amongst the first to leave, shooting Sirius a look of pure loathing as she did. James and his friends waited until the dungeon was completely empty to grab Sirius. He was as still as a statue, staring at the ground where Severus had laid just minutes ago.

“Hey, you alright mate?” James asked gently, placing one hand on his shoulder.

“Fine,” Sirius jerked his arm away, “bloody git got what he deserved.”

Slowly, Remus took a few steps forward, almost as if he was debating whether or not to say anything.

“How did he know? He called me a half-breed, does he know?”

James felt the blood drain from his face. No. He couldn’t possibly. If Severus knew, he would tell everyone. Remus would be an outcast. They might even expel him if the students got ahold of such information. Certainly the parents wouldn’t be happy; they would cause such an uproar Remus would have no choice but to leave.

Sirius shifted uncomfortably and leaned on one of the desks. “He said something a few weeks ago to that effect. I didn’t think it meant anything, it was just more of his bullshit.”

“When?” Asked James.

“It was….. early January. A week after we got back to school maybe? I went to go find Regulus. Thought maybe he could help with my memories. Obviously not though,” he muttered crossly. “Anyways, Snape was listening in and we got into it. He said something else about you being….you know…. A werewolf.”

James' heart skipped a beat at the mention of Regulus. Why had he never told him about that? Better yet, why had Sirius never told him?

“Oh,” Remus breathed.

“He won’t do anything though! Dumbledore knows you're a werewolf and he doesn’t care!” Peter chimed in.

Sirius turned on him, glaring daggers. “Fuck’s sake, Peter, you can’t be this thick! If the students know he won’t have a choice! The parents will riot!”

“Okay, look” James stepped in, ever the peace-maker, “he doesn’t have any proof so until then, let’s not worry.”

“Yeah,” Remus echoed, though he didn’t look so sure.

“Hey, maybe he’ll die in the hospital, then we won't have to worry anymore.” James turned to gape at Sirius as the boy collected their things and started for the door.

“That would make you a murderer, Sirius.”

The boy just shrugged. “There are worse things in the world.”

Deep, deep down, a small part of James agreed. If Severus died it would make things easier.

He just didn’t want his best friend to be a murderer.

————

Sunday, February 8

Regulus’ mouth was full of glass.

He wasn’t sure how it had gotten in there but he could feel it pressing into the soft flesh of his mouth, cutting and slicing away at exposed gums and filling his throat with thick blood.

He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, it was choking him.

Slowly and carefully he leaned forward to let the liquid drain from his mouth. It bubbled over his lips quickly, falling to the floor with a soft splatter as more took its place.

Something sharp jabbed into his stomach suddenly. Maybe he had swallowed some?

No, he had to get the glass out of his mouth first. He needed to breathe, to be able to speak again. Desperate for air now he pried open his jaws and began pulling away chunks, uncaring how they dug into his lips and marred the skin around his face as he retrieved them.

Another hard slice jutted into his ribs with a fierce wave of pain.

Regulus stumbled towards the mirror, trying to find some solace from the pain only to stare into his reflection and find his mouth….gone. A thick layer of skin replaced where it should have been.

But he could still feel the glass cutting away, his mouth filling up, the salty, sticky taste of iron. It started streaming out of his nose now, cutting off the only air supply he had left. He was drowning, drowning in his own blood-

“Regulus!”

Evan’s voice cut through the haze of dreams and pulled Regulus back to the waking world. Instantly he transformed back into human form and lifted his hands up to his face. His mouth was still there, albeit dry, but existent.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Evan looked confused at the insinuation, his face only dimly lit from the glow of his wand. “It’s Barty’s birthday, we’re going to get him a cake.”

Seriously? That was why he was being poked and prodded at five in the morning? Letting out a loud groan, Regulus tossed his blankets up over his head to block out the light.

“No.”

“Uhhh, yes. And you’re coming with me, so come on, get up!”

Briefly, Regulus considered silencing Evan and going back to sleep though his heart was still pounding from the nightmare. He had never explained the counter-spell for the curse he had used on that Ravenclaw mudblood a few months ago. It would take Evan at least an hour to figure it out and even longer for Barty to wake up and use it .

Evan must have known what he was thinking because before Regulus could get a word out, he leaned in and whispered, “If you even think about hexing me right now I will fill your bed with flobberworms every night for an entire month. And then, when you think you’re clear, and your sheets are clean, I’ll do it again but charm them to be invisible.”

Frowning, Regulus let out a loud, dramatic sigh and threw his sheets off. “Fine.”

Evan beamed at him and tossed a bundle of clothes his way.

“Good. Get dressed, Pandora’s waiting in the hall.”

Regulus resisted the urge to scream into his pillow. It was too early for anything, let alone trying to find a damn birthday cake. And they still had an entire day of classes too.

When he was finally dressed, after taking as long as he possibly could just to annoy Evan, he took one more longing look at his bed and slipped out of the dorm.

Pandora and Evan were waiting in the hall, chatting quietly while Regulus stood in the shadows and debated slipping into his animagus skin. He could run off and find somewhere quiet to curl up until the sun rose. Only, he couldn’t even do that because of Pandora’s rings. She would just find him and then there would be hell to pay.

“Where are we going then?” He yawned loudly, interrupting their conversation.

“Hogsmeade! Madam Puddifoot said she would bake us one. We just have to collect it before breakfast,” Pandora chirped, annoyingly chipper despite the time.

“Seriously? You dragged me out of bed to pick up a cake all the way from Hogsmeade? It’s freezing out!”

Pandora just smiled and grabbed his arm. “It’s beautiful.”

“It’s for Barty. Think of it as a nice team building exercise,” Evan said, “extra practice for when Quidditch starts up again.”

“Pandora’s a Ravenclaw,” he pointed out flatly, shrugging away from her grip.

It was even colder outside than he had expected and the thin Slytherin robes were doing little to keep out the chill. They weren’t even halfway to Hogsmeade by the time Regulus’s teeth started chattering uncontrollably. Evan and Pandora seemed wholly unbothered by it and continued talking about the latest news.

Or, as James would call it, the latest Pandora-news. The thought made him smile a little, thinking of what James would say about this topic of conversation. He had a certain knack for making fun of people, yet it never seemed unkind coming out of his mouth.

“What’s so funny?” Pandora asked, noticing his slight smile.

“Nothing, just thinking.”

“About?” she pressed.

“How cold it is.”

“Liar,” she accused, but pulled her wand out and cast a warming spell into him.

“So……that summer program sounds fun,” he tried changing the subject back to what they were discussing earlier.

“I told her she should do it, we don’t need her home this summer,” Evan chimed in.

It was enough. Pandora happily continued her rant about the program, waving her hands animatedly as she spoke about the different bugs and insects they would see. Apparently Madam Pomfrey had told her about it during one of the healing classes. It was an entire summer spent traipsing around the world finding different magical creatures as a part of some research project.

A large majority was to be spent on bugs because, as Pandora said rather smugly, ‘magical insects have been vastly underreported because no one cares.’

Regulus smiled and listened to her talk. He agreed that she should go, it sounded like the type of thing she would just love.

The sun was beginning to rise above the treetops when they finally reached Hogsmeade. Even the village was dead at this time of day, Regulus thought rather smugly. He still found it ridiculous that they had dragged him on this adventure.

“This one,” Evan pointed at a closed shop as they walked by.

“It’s not open,” Regulus argued, even more irritated by the thought of waiting.

“Not yet,” Pandora smiled with a sparkle in her eye. “Evan, would you do the honour?”

Evan nodded slightly with this proud look in his eye while he pulled out his wand. After looking both ways down the street, he whispered a spell and tried the door. Then he frowned and looked back at Pandora.

“Wait? Are you trying to break in?” Regulus laughed, the absurdity of it hitting him. “You’re breaking into the only entirely magical village in all of Britain? And you’re trying a damn alohamora?”

He doubled over with laughter, heightened by the lack of sleep. It was just so damn funny.

“Well what do we do then?” Pandora asked.

Regulus wasn’t done laughing though. “It’s good….you brought me along,” he gasped, “you can’t even do a burglary right.”

“Yeah, budge up and help us then genius!”

Regulus pulled his own wand out and promptly broke the glass on the window. It shattered silently, courtesy of Sirius. He had taught Regulus that spell years ago when he had found a book written by an ancient Black family member, who coincidentally was a thief.

“Go on then,” he smirked, “go steal a cake.”

Silently Pandora and Evan crept through the window while Regulus kept watch. He understood now why this mission needed to be completed under the shroud of darkness. Normally he wouldn’t condone such behaviour, there was a reason why he had never gotten a detention before. Regulus was an upstanding member of society, break-ins were below his status.

But just now it felt like the funniest thing in the world. And really the imagery of Pandora slipping on her way out the window with a bright pink cake in her hands made it all worth it.

By the time they made it back to Hogwarts the cake was half smushed. They probably looked absolutely insane presenting it to Barty at breakfast, Pandora with pink frosting in her hair and Evan with that devious look he often had.

Regulus didn’t hate it though; for the first time ever he had done something ‘wrong,’ and he had fucking loved the adrenaline rush that came with it.

————

Saturday, February 17

Regulus was in the library when Kreacher appeared.

He was tucked far away in one of the windows reading up on the ‘History of Memory Charms.’ Really only one specific chapter. He needed to find out what the likelihood of Sirius regaining his full memories were and how soon it would happen. He had to be prepared, needed a contingency plan, needed to-

The loud pop of a house elf apparating into existence made him drop the book completely, earning a handful of annoyed shushes from invisible students around the corner.

“Kreacher?”

More shushes ensued. Regulus dropped his voice to a whisper and pulled the elf out of sight.

“Missus Lestrange is telling Kreacher to collect you.”

“For what?”

“The Missus does not tell Kreacher such things,” the elf rasped.

Of course not. Slowly, Regulus looked around the empty library. No one would notice if he left, but leaving his things here was a risk. If he wasn’t back by tonight, Filch might burn his books and papers. Kreaher stared at him through heavily-lidded eyes, waiting for Regulus to make a choice.

Since Bellatrix wasn’t technically a Black anymore she couldn’t order the elves around. Regulus had to agree to go with Kreacher willingly.

“Okay,” he agreed finally, setting the book down and pushing all his things together into the corner so they would be as hidden as possible.

The elf reached out hand and Regulus took it, shutting his eyes and trying to breathe through the nauseating twisting that his body was doing.

When at last they slammed down on solid ground again, Regulus lurched forwards, just managing to catch himself before he fell into the grass. Wait- grass? Why wasn’t he at Bellatrix’s?

Everywhere he looked was empty fields, dried grass, and clouds.

“Kreacher, where are we?”

The elf bowed his head slightly and answered truthfully.“Kreacher does not know, Kreacher was not told.”

Of course she wouldn’t have told him. A sobering thought dawned on Regulus as a cold wind swept through the field.

What if this was another initiation?

Head still pounding from the Apparation, Regulus pulled out his wand and cast a simple ‘revelio.’ Still, nothing happened.

Okay. This was fine, he could figure this out, and if worse came to worse, he could just get Kreacher to bring him back to Hogwarts.

He was just about to start walking around when a soft pop sounded from beside him.

“How very obedient of you,” Bellatrix cooed, her dark hair whipping around in the wind. “Really, I had my doubts you would show, considering your failure.”

“Failure?” He echoed in disbelief. He hadn’t failed, he had succeeded. More than succeeded.

“Dumbledore is still alive - Failure.”

“No. I didn’t fucking fail; I got something better. You would know that if you had bothered to respond to any of my letters.”

He had written no less than five since the feast. He wasn’t stupid, he knew putting such things in writing was a bad idea, which was why each one had been charmed so only the intended recipient could read the words. Anyone else would simply see an innocent letter about birthday gifts.

“Been out of country little Reggie,” she waved a hand dismissively, “important things in the works. What’d you do then? What is this non-failure?”

“He wants me to spy for the other side, Dumbledore. I told him I would.”

She stared at him for a second before letting out a mad laugh. “And this helps how?”

“Because,” Regulus leaned in, “I can spy for this side instead. If he learns to trust me I can give Voldemort information from deep within the resistance. I can tell you his plans before they’re executed.”

She seemed to ponder that for a moment before frowning. “And yet, you could have just killed him instead.”

“Why? He’s just an old man, isn’t it more valuable to keep him alive and glean information?”

“Dumbledore isn’t a part of the resistance. He is the resistance.”

“Even better then.”

Bellatrix just shook her head. “Dismiss your elf and let’s go. It’s cold out here.”

Regulus obeyed and waved Kreacher away. Bellatrix held out an arm for Regulus to take, so he did, expecting the familiar tug of Apparation.

Instead she just laughed at him closing his eyes. “We’re not going anywhere, we’re already here.”

Great. Here as in the middle of fucking nowhere in a freezing field. Then she rolled up her sleeve, exposing a thick, black tattoo of a snake twisting around a skull, exiting through the skull’s mouth. He watched with interest as she pressed her wand into the black ink.

Almost immediately a huge castle appeared in front of them, towering up into the sky. It took Regulus a minute to process what he was seeing. Magic had limits, after all, and the amount of magic it would take to disguise such a large object was surely immense. He hadn’t even had an inkling the thing was hiding, not so much as a tingle in his fingertips that he was near such complicated and intense wards.

Regulus felt a shiver pass over him as Bellatrix led him through the front gate. The exterior wall was nothing fancy, just plain grey bricks stacked upon one another, the inside though could only be described as elaborate.

They entered into a courtyard about as big as the Hogwarts quidditch pitch. Along the outside stood pillars, supporting the second floor of parapets and providing corridors in which dozens of doors sank within.

It was nothing short of massive. A castle fit for a ruler, Regulus thought.

“It’s called CainsField, “ Bellatrix answered, as if predicting the question that sat on Regulus’s lips, “an old castle the Lestrange's own. I offered it to the Dark Lord as headquarters as soon as I learned of its existence. We spent months putting up the wards. The only reason you can even see it, let alone be in it, is because of me. It was a rather inspired bit of charm-work on my part.”

She led him through the courtyard and down a set of weathered stone stairs. They stopped in front a large set of wooden doors, covered with deep-set serpents carved into the wood.

“Why am I here?” He asked finally, sensing the thick layer of magic that lurked beyond the doors.

“To see the truth. Last chance baby Reggie, you better not be lying.”

She pushed open the doors and stepped into a wall of darkness beyond. Instantly the black swallowed her whole.

“I’m not lying,” Regulus muttered under his breath before he followed her.

The darkness was cold, so very cold it hurt. It was as though he had stepped into an unseen tundra and he could feel something lurking within the gloom.

Then, as soon as he took another tentative step forward, the darkness was gone and he was standing in the middle of a cathedral-like room. The windows were massive and stretched upwards into the ceiling that was not-unlike Hogwarts in the way it mirrored the night sky. Only, in the middle of this sky was a huge glowing serpent just like the tattoo on Bellatrix’s arm.

The rest of the room was gloomy, lit only by dim torches along the walls that flickered and cast shadows across the floor. The only point of interest in the room was a long wooden table supporting a massive snake.

It slithered across the wood towards Regulus who tried not to flinch as Voldemort sat at the head of the table, leaned back with an air of superiority, and stared at Regulus. His eyes were a deep brown with a hint of red, though that may have just been the light. It was simply the way he stared that made Regulus’s stomach writhe. Like Regulus could die a horrific death in front of him and all Voldemort would do was continue staring.

They locked eyes for a brief moment before the snake pulled Regulus’s gaze away. He didn’t hate snakes in any sense of the word but there was something about being two feet away from a snake the size of a boa constrictor that was unsettling.

“So,” Voldemort started slowly, as if tasting every word, “you’ve been a disappointment, Regulus.”

His voice lingered on the name, the snake hissing as he said it. Regulus felt his stomach drop. He wasn’t ever a disappointment. Sirius was the disappointing one, not him. He needed to fix this.

“I’m sorry.”

“My Lord,” Bellatrix hissed.

“I’m sorry, my Lord.”

Voldemort’s face stayed the same, impassive and almost bored. “Indeed. Twice now you have failed what has been asked of you. So I must ask this ... .why bother?”

The snake hissed again at those words, greedily this time, her tail flicking with excitement.

“My Lord,” Bellatrix cut in, “he wants to spy. He can get into the Order and infiltrate from within.”

The Order? Regulus was slightly confused at that. Did she mean the resistance?

Voldemort looked a bit more interested now and he called the snake back with a flick of his hand. “Not just yet, Nagini, he may have some use to us yet.”

The man rose from his seat and beckoned Regulus forward. “Show me,” he commanded, and within seconds, Regulus was in agony.

He was no stranger to Legilimency. Walburga and Orion used it often when he was growing up. They used it more on Sirius than him, but he knew the feeling well.

What he wasn’t expecting was the sheer amount of strength; whatever he had experienced in the past was child’s play compared to this.

Voldemort ripped through his memories like a hot knife through butter. He started with the more recent ones, James and him in the astronomy tower, the long trek to Hogsmeade for Barty's cake, his bad dreams. Then he went further back and the pain increased by tenfold.

In the haze of agony Regulus thought this must be what Sirius had felt over his whole body. It was a passing thought made with no emotion. His brain simply didn’t have the capacity for anymore pain.

They lingered at the conversation with Dumbledore for a moment. Snippets of the conversation floated to the forefront.

“I want you to spy for me…..Protect your loved ones….Second chances….”

They faded away gradually, darkness replacing them as the pain grew hotter and hotter until it was a burning ball of fire in his mind. Only then did it stop.

Regulus wasn’t sure how long he was on the ground for, he only knew the concrete was cool and soothing to his skin. Too soon he felt hands on his arm, pulling him up. The light was torture when he opened his eyes, so he kept them closed.

“Call Kreacher,” Bellatrix’s voice sounded oddly sympathetic and not like her at all. “Go home.”

“Am I in?” He asked desperately, hating how feeble his own voice sounded.

“Yes.”

Chapter Text

Wednesday, April 14

As the last bits of winter faded into obscurity, Spring gave way in the grounds of Hogwarts. Everywhere James looked there was new life blossoming. He could see it in the grass that sprung triumphantly through layers of frost and the weather that relented from harsh snowstorms to heavy rainfall. The days grew longer too, and warmer as summer made its slow approach.

Quidditch started up again as well, without Sirius this time, as he was kicked from the team as result of his potions ‘prank’ on Severus. The boy had spent almost two whole weeks in the hospital wing with very severe burns. As a result, Sirius found himself in detention almost every day till the end of the year. In addition to this punishment a very serious letter was written home to the Potters, two hundred points were taken from Gryffindor, and Sirius was not allowed to play Quidditch until the following school year. Even then, he would have to re-tryout for his prior spot on the team.

James was devastated, although perhaps not quite as much as Sirius was, and Sirius’s suspension drastically minimized Gryffindor’s chances of winning the cup this year. James was trying to supplement with extra training sessions for Peter, Sirius’s replacement, but the boy was nearly hopeless with his Quidditch skills. Sirius remarked that he might do better playing in his Animagus form, and after witnessing a few sessions, James was starting to agree.

“Potter! Are you going to move or do I have to send this Bludger at you!” Marlene screamed from across the pitch. James smiled a little and zoomed forwards on his broom. He was quite proud of how far Marlene had come since their private lessons earlier in the year. She was a damn good Chaser.

“Sorry!” He apologized as his broomstick drifted next to hers.

“Yeah well, we need everyone on their top game on Friday. With Sirius gone it’s a toss-up between us and Ravenclaw.”

“Might have a better chance if you stopped staring at Dorcas during the games too,” he pointed out lightly.

He couldn’t blame her entirely. They had lost the last match with Ravenclaw for a multitude of reasons, not just because she accidentally threw the Quaffle to Dorcas. It had made for a pretty funny scene, he couldn’t lie, but Frank had been positively pissed. With the loss of two hundred points they had to win this match by a damn landslide to stand a chance for the cup.

She reached over and punched him in the arm. “How many times do I have to say that was an accident!”

“At least a hundred more to Frank.”

“Yeah, I know. Tomorrow’s gonna be better. We’re going to win James, I swear. And if we don’t, it won’t be my fault.”

James nodded at that and began his descent down to the bottom of the pitch where Frank was waving them all over.

————

It really was a lovely day out.

Unfortunately, James had been stuck inside the whole rest of the day, but not tonight. Tonight he was going to be free. At least he had that to look forward to as the lessons dragged on and on, an endless monotony of parchment paper and homework. More than he ever had before.

It made sense, with OWLs coming up all the teachers were doing their very best to prepare the fifth year students. James still hated it.

James looked sorrowfully back up at the castle upon that thought. Somewhere within those stone walls Sirius was on his hands and knees scraping bubblegum from under the tables in the Great Hall. He wondered if Sirius would be looking up at the moon tonight and feeling as horrible as James was.

It didn’t feel right without him there. They were a foursome; the wolf, the rat, the stag, and the dog. And Remus was always more antsy when Sirius was gone. The wolf and the dog were so close.

“Alright, go,” James whispered to Peter from under the cloak, letting the rat run free to the knot at the bottom of the Whomping Willow.

Peter went dutifully and in a few seconds the tree went still. James followed him down into the tunnel and threw the cloak off as soon as he was in. With summer rapidly approaching, the cloak became far too hot.

“We should hurry, the suns already setting,” James called. Peter squeaked in recognition and scampered ahead.

When they finally pushed through the wooden door in the Shrieking Shack, Remus was waiting, pacing anxiously and looking thoroughly uncomfortable.

“Took you long enough,” he grumbled.

“Yeah, Pomfrey took her damn time outside today. Smoked three whole fags before she went back in. Poor woman, she must have something on her mind.”

Remus smiled half-heartedly and sat down on the squeaky cot in the corner.

“Hey Remus? How d’you feel about maybe heading out into the forest tonight?”

Instantly he shook his head. “Not without Sirius.”

James nodded, though he felt the disappointment deep in his stomach. “Yeah I figured. I just feel bad, y’know me and Peter can’t really do much with him being so small and me being so large. We worry you’re getting bored in here without him.”

“I am,” Remus admitted, “ but we can’t. It’s not worth the risk until he’s back.”

Privately James disagreed. Since Sirius had earned his detentions Remus’s full moons had been slowly getting worse again. With his playmate gone away there wasn’t much James or Peter could do to entertain the wolf all night.

Remus had been hurting himself again, clawing at the door, whining, howling for Sirius. A few times he had even broken ribs, something that had been all but extinct since they started joining him as Animagus.

It just sucked to see his friend in pain, unable to do anything.

All of a sudden, Remus tensed up. James launched into his stag form immediately. They had done this often enough that he knew the signs.

The world seemed to slow around him as he felt the familiar body once more. He was comfortable in it now, he no longer felt constrained or trapped. It was simply him. Just with a larger frame.

James settled down on the floor with a sniff, trying not to watch as Remus writhed and groaned in pain below him.

It was never a pretty sight.

————

Friday, April 16

Time was a funny thing. Sometimes it flew past and others it seemed to drag to a crawl.

In the months following Regulus’ visit to CainsField the days blurred into a solitary line. There had been no more communication from Bellatrix, or anyone else for that matter, but it wasn’t an uneasy silence. He got the sense there just wasn’t much to do for him yet.

That was fine. It gave him time to focus on Sirius and the small issue of his returning memory. Like much else, there had been no progress on that front, though Regulus figured he would be the last to know even if there was.

It was all a waiting game for him, but Regulus was good at waiting.

“Ravenclaw is out in full force tonight!” The commentator screamed from the stands, interrupting Regulus’s train of thought and forcing him back to the present Quidditch game where Gryffindor was being absolutely annihilated.

It wasn’t for lack of trying on their end. Regulus had paid just enough attention to see that they were good, very good actually, just not enough to beat Ravenclaw.

Dorcas was a whirlwind up there, she was in ten different places at once, zooming across the pitch at the speed of light. Regulus wasn’t keeping count but he was pretty sure she had scored nine out of the ten current goals.

“Another score for Ravenclaw!” The crowd went wild. Regulus slunk further down in his seat.

If he was really honest with himself he wanted Gryffindor to win. If only to get another shot at beating Gryffindor in Quidditch. Sure he had caught the snitch at their last one but it had been overshadowed by James’s fall.

Regulus would really like to show off once more before the end of the year.

“Uh-oh, looks like the Gryffindor seeker has spotted something! Bad news for the winning team!”

Finally, something worth watching.

He perked back up, scanning the pitch curiously for James before finally landing on the fast chase between Rose Abbott and the Ravenclaw seeker who’s name Regulus didn’t care to learn.

Their chase was quick, Regulus had to give them that. Not as good as he could have done but decent. Rose was in the lead by a hair and the entire crowd seemed to silence as she pulled forwards with an outstretched hand. Beside him, Pandora flew up out of her seat and crowded to the railing before the stands went up in a sea of red and gold.

Gryffindor won then, he surmised. Good.

The crowd continued to shriek at an earsplitting volume while Regulus picked up his bag and slipped away. The noise was insufferable and he had studying to do, preferably without a headache caused by hundreds of screaming students.

————

Saturday, April 17

James was convinced Peter was cheating. There was no possible way anyone could be that good at Blackjack.

He had won the last seven rounds in a row and claimed almost all of the money they were betting. It was getting ridiculous at this point.

“Hit me,” Remus said with a sly smile. Sirius (the dealer) obeyed.

James looked down at his own cards with a blank face. A respectable 17. He could hit and risk winning it all or stand and likely lose. The probably of getting a card with four or lower wasn’t very high but at the same time, 17 wasn’t enough to win.

“Stand,” he announced dejectedly.

Sirius flipped his cards to reveal an 18.

James groaned and flopped backwards onto the floor as Peter and Remus both revealed their hands to show Peter’s eight win in a row.

“No fucking way!” Remus called, tossing aside his cards to lunge at Peter, “you bloody cheater!”

“I’m just better than you!” Peter yelped before transforming into a rat and wriggling his was out of Remus’s tackle.

“Bullshit you weasel! You’re a cheater!”

Peter, the rat, squeaked in terror and scurried under the nearest bed while Sirius roared with laughter. “Get him Moony!”

James watched the commotion with an entertained expression as he waved his wand to sort the cards. If he didn’t, no one else would. Well, maybe Remus, but seeing as he was currently trying to throttle the rat, the job fell to James.

“Fine, fine, I concede,” Peter gasped, transforming back into human form, “but I really am just better. No cheating at all.”

“Liar,” Sirius muttered but leaned back to rest his head on a bed frame.

“Okay, okay,” James interjected before it could escalate. Sirius was in the habit of escalating things like this recently. “We have some business to talk about anyways. As we all know our fifth year is coming to an end. And we have yet to plan the end-of-year prank.”

“I’d have more time if I wasn’t doing bloody detentions every night.”

“And who’s fault is that?” Remus pointed out.

“Oh you’re right, I should have just let him out you as a werewolf in front of everyone. My bad!” Sirius snapped back.

Remus rolled his eyes and got up to go sit by the window, snatching the pack of cigarettes him and Sirius shared as. James let it go again; their dorm already stank of smoke, what was one more.

“Anyways……. I had an idea,” James started, wrinkling his nose at the acrid stench wafting from the corner, “ but it’s going to be a lot of work. The payoff however, has the ability to be one of the greatest stunts ever pulled at Hogwarts. No, scratch that - it will be the greatest.”

“Tell us then,” Sirius called. He had moved over to the window as well now and was sharing the cigarette with Remus, their slight spat forgotten in the presence of tobacco.

“Well, we have just under two months left at school and this prank would certainly require some planning……but I think we could do it. I’m proposing we Polyjuice the entire school at the end of year feast.”

There was silence for a beat as they all thought it over and then Sirius burst into laughter. “Oh fucking hell that’s GENIUS, Prongs!”

And then they all began to talk over each other. Peter started fretting about where they would get the ingredients while Remus asked where they would brew it. Sirius started listing names of potential victims, wondering on whether they could personalize it somewhat or if it would be everyone in the hall becoming the same person.

“OKAY OKAY!” James yelled, “one at a time…damn.”

“Where are we brewing it?” Remus asked thoughtfully, “we can’t do it here on account of the random dorm checks, the Shrieking Shack is too far and the potions classroom is simply out of the question.”

James balked. He hadn’t thought that far ahead yet.

“What about that broom cupboard on the west side of the fourth floor? Me and Mary used to snog in there and we were never bothered.”

Remus smiled knowingly upon Sirius’ words. It was so quick that James thought for a moment he had imagined it. The expression confused him slightly but he brushed it off, too caught up in the moment to think much of it.

“Plus the amount of spider webs give a pretty good indication that it’s completely out of use. We could put the cloak over it when we’re not there too, or just use a vanishing charm to keep it extra hidden.”

“Okay, that’s settled then. Now onto the logistics….”

They stayed there for the better part of the night tossing out ideas and hammering the general outline down. Marlene was the target, they decided. It was far too much work to individualize the potion so they were just going to turn the entire great hall into an army of Marlenes. James figured she had a good sense of humour anyways and would love it.

The rest of the details weren’t so easy. Like figuring out how to distribute the potion itself. Peter had come up with that one, saying that if they already had the Polyjuice Potion done they could use a small amount of the unmarked stuff and turn into Dumbledore to instruct the kitchen elves to serve it with pumpkin juice in the morning.

The date was another issue. James had originally planned for the night of the End-of-Term Feast but that turned out to be a full moon so they changed it to the next morning. They could do all the set-up beforehand and come back from the shack to watch the chaos unfold.

All in all it was a solid plan and James was excited to get started on it. He fell asleep swiftly that night, reeking of cigarettes and thoroughly exhausted but with that familiar gut-feeling that mischief always gave him.

It was going to be excellent.

————

Sunday, April 18

James was slowly taking Pandora’s place in the greenhouse.

Since that first time James had come in she had been pulling away. Not physically, but she just preferred her little corner of the room where she could tinker with various magical objects instead.

Regulus couldn’t say he blamed her. It was quite obvious her fascinations lied in other things than plants, but he did miss her green thumb. She was quite good at gardening whereas James was utterly horrible.

He was constantly nicking himself with the shears or trimming too much off a plant or just generally messing things up. He was clumsy, Regulus had come to learn. It was odd to watch. James was just so different from him. It was fun to watch too though.

And as James dropped his second pot of the day Regulus found himself smirking, because he had predicted it would happen.

“If I could give myself house points for predicting your behaviour Slytherin would be so far in the lead we would win the next ten years in a row,” he called as James waved his wand and the pieces of pottery knit themselves back together.

“No way. Gryffindor is totally winning this year, we’ve got it in the bag.”

Regulus scoffed and rolled his eyes though James couldn’t see.

“Ravenclaw!” Pandora announced dreamily from her corner where she sat with a goblet full of orange juice, presumably stolen from the breakfast spread.

“Care to explain?” James asked.

“Ravenclaws going to win,” she stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Though, Regulus supposed it was to her.

James heaved the pot onto the table and cussed loudly. “Bloody hell this is what I get for asking a seer. I really had hope this year too!”

“It’s okay, neither of us are winning. We can mourn in unity,” Regulus whispered so she wouldn’t hear, “but anyways Gryffindor was never winning. After that stunt with Snape you didn’t have a chance.”

“Well he deserved it,” James muttered darkly.

“Did he?”

Regulus usually wasn’t one to get involved with these things. He really couldn’t give a shit either way, but even he could see that what Sirius had done had gone too far. The whole school had been talking about it for weeks, murmuring in the hallways about whether Sirius was going to be expelled or not. It was quite annoying; even in his animagus form he couldn’t escape his brother.

‘It’s Severus,” James said as if that was the most obvious thing in the world, like Regulus was a fool for not agreeing.

“Yeah and I don’t understand why you guys all hate him so much. He quiet, keeps to himself, apart from that one red-head, and generally doesn’t bother anyone. What did he do to earn such hatred from you four?” It genuinely boggled Regulus’ mind. He figured Snape must have done something truly awful because from what Regulus knew of James he was kind. He was the type of person that would be kind to anyone, no matter what, and Regulus wanted to know why that never extended to Snape.

“Well Sirius hates him, plus he’s just slimy and……” James trailed off at the end of his sentence, looking at Regulus with a weird, almost guilty shine to his eyes.

“And?”

“Nothing, never mind. I just don’t like him.”

Something crashed in the corner where Pandora worked and almost immediately a huge plume of smoke rose from the floor, obscuring the view to that half of the room. Regulus peered uncertainly into the dark for half a second before Pandora came running out of it, her blond hair trailing behind her.

“I may have done something wrong,” she conceded and took a seat on one of the potting tables, “I need a break anyways though.”

Regulus and James shared a glance for a second before looking back at her.

“Yeah alright,” Regulus said and hopped onto the table with her, “but we’re not talking about your bugs. I might avada kadavra myself if I have to hear about those glowing moths one more time.”

“Fine.”

James chuckled a bit but stopped when Pandora glared at him. Regulus found it quite amusing. Apparently making fun of her bugs was a privilege only he was afforded. They settled into an easy conversation about toast instead.

James brought it up, of course, announcing with a huge smile that burned toast was the best kind. Regulus disagreed wholeheartedly, proclaiming that lightly toasted was the superior choice. And Pandora told them she didn’t like toast at all. Regulus smiled at that. It was just like her to say something along those lines. Always the odd one out but in the best way.

They were just about to move onto the topic of how to cook eggs when Pandora pulled a small tube out of her pocket. It was thin and tan, wrapped in paper and twisted at one end. Regulus didn’t recognize it but James did. His eyes lit up immediately and he pulled out his wand to light it for her.

“I thought you didn’t smoke,” Regulus said, confused.

“Not cigarettes.”

“Well what is that then?”

“Not a cigarette.”

James was right. It certainly didn’t smell like a cigarette; instead it was slightly earthy and almost sour smelling, like a skunk had bathed in dirt and pine trees. Pandora took a drag first, inhaling slowly before letting it out with a cough. Then she handed it to James.

When he was finished he offered it to Regulus who shook his head instantly. “Tell me what it is first.”

“Just trust me,” he insisted.

“How do I know you’re not going to poison me or something?”

“I had some and I’m not poisoned,” Pandora offered helpfully, her eyes glassy.

She had a point there. Tentatively, Regulus took it from James hand, wrinkling his nose at the smell. It wasn’t particularly nice and he had reservations about putting something like that in his mouth. “I’ve never smoked before….”

James scooted closer and leaned in to take the joint back. “Here, open your mouth and put this side between your lips……okay now just breathe in through the joint like normal.”

Warm fingers brushed gently against his cheek as James held the tube to his lips. Regulus didn’t flinch away. He followed the instructions and inhaled, choking back a cough as his throat began to burn.

“Hold it, hold it,” James encouraged.

He held it for as long as he could before exhaling and doubling over with a coughing spell. It felt like every breath hurt more and more.

And his head was starting to feel weird too, like it was floating. His limbs were oddly disconnected too and he could feel his heart beating inside his chest.

“Am I supposed to feel like this?” He asked.

Pandora and James turned, smiling widely. “Yeah it’s normal. It’s fun, right?”

Regulus pondered this in silence for a while. It was….weird. He felt oddly relaxed, like nothing mattered as much as he made it out to. The colours of the plants were more vibrant too, very slightly. He reached one hand out to grab the leaf of a plant beside him and stroked the waxy leaves. It was so smooth and cool.

If he could be a plant which plant would he be? The thought was sudden and funny, he smiled to himself while holding the leaf. Maybe a rosebush? No, those were too ordinary. But….maybe? Roses had a certain elegance.

James would be a sunflower certainly. Yellow and bright and sunny and pretty and everyone loved them. Sunflowers symbolized loyalty too, and James definitely had a lot of that.

“I would be a cactus,” he announced suddenly, “they’re hard and plain-looking plus they don’t like water. I don’t like water either.”

Pandora turned like this was the funniest thing in the world.

“What?” James and her said at the same time, before collapsing into giggles at their simultaneous thought.

“I never learned how to swim… and besides, there could be things in the water!” He defended vehemently, “like sharks or jellyfish or dead fish. It’s unsanitary, especially the ocean. You know there’s dead bodies in there, just decomposing? It’s gross and I don’t like it.”

“Are you trying to decide which plant to be?” James asked through the laughter.

Regulus nodded, the movement making his head feel even lighter.

“Ooooooh I would be a Violet!” Pandora exclaimed, producing her wand and shooting a purple flower out from the tip of it before weaving it into her hair expertly.

“I dunno what I would be,” James said, “I don’t know flowers.”

“A sunflower,” Regulus instantly answered for him, “you remind me of the colour yellow.”

“Okay,” he beamed, “I like that. But I don’t think you would be a cactus, Reg, you’re too……interesting.”

Reg. James had called him Reg. The thought spun around in Regulus’s mind for a moment. Had James ever called him Reg before? He didn’t think so. It was a new thing. Strange. He usually hated nicknames but somehow it didn’t sound that horrible coming out of James’ mouth.

“What? Did I say something wrong?” James asked after a few seconds of silence. Regulus finally remembered to pick his jaw up off the floor and speak.

“He hates nicknames,” Pandora chimed in.

“No, I don’t hate them all. I just hate most of them,” Regulus corrected.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he waved a hand dismissively, “hey, I like this feeling; what is that stuff called?”

“Marijuana? Regulus, we grow it here,” Pandora laughed, tossing her head back.

“Oh…..we do?”

“Pomfrey uses it in her pain relief potions. They’re in greenhouse four.”

Satisfied with that answer, Regulus sat back and let his mind wander. He couldn’t get the thought of Snape off his mind. The whole school had heard about what Sirius did to him and Regulus just couldn’t understand why.

He knew about their fuede of course, the whole damn school did. But Sirius hurting someone like that? It wasn’t like him. Or…..was it?

Maybe Regulus didn’t know his brother at all anymore. Maybe the damage between them had become too great.

Maybe Sirius was someone new now. It was a sobering thought. Regulus wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it. He had always thought they were brothers first, despite everything, despite all the damage and differences somehow they would survive it.

Now he wasn’t so sure.

For the first time ever, Regulus faced the thought that perhaps Sirius wasn’t his brother anymore.

————

Being in his animagus form lessened the effects of the marijuauna, but only slightly. He still felt the cloudy, relaxed feeling drifting through his bloodstream.

Pandora, James and him had said their goodbyes only a few minutes ago. Pandora had to get back to her experiments, James wanted to hit the quidditch pitch and Regulus decided that a quick cat-nap was needed before dinner.

He walked the hallways slower than usual, taking his time wandering. None of the students even noticed him, he was simply one of the many animals residing at Hogwarts now. It really was the perfect disguise.

So perfect in fact, that he found a secret.

He might not even have noticed it if it wasn’t for the peculiar shimmery wall.

It was interesting enough that Regulus decided to stop for a moment and observe. The scene wasn’t anything outlandish, it was just a cauldron emitting a small trickle of sage green smoke from the brim tucked into one of the deepest windowsills. Weird but not unheard of. Some students preferred to keep their personal brewing out of the dormitories.

No, the strange thing was that it seemed invisible to everyone else. One student walked by, his hand trailing along the castle walls before continuing to trail across air where the cauldron was. And he didn’t even notice.

Peculiar. Very peculiar.

Slowly, Regulus walked forwards, testing the shimmery wall with one paw before stalking through and jumping up to sniff the brewing potion. Finally he transformed back and sat down to wonder why someone was brewing veritaserum in private. It was a restricted potion, one only licensed potion masters were allowed to brew, and even then it was severely classified.

If it had been a fully brewed potion, Regulus would have stolen some, but as it stood, the shade was far too light still. He sighed slightly. That was a shame. Veritaserum was extremely handy for the right circumstances.

It must have been the lingering effects of getting high that caused him to sit there for so long. At least that’s what Regulus blamed. He certainly wouldn’t have interfered otherwise. But regardless of the reason, he sat and pondered in the little cranny for so long that the brewer returned.

None other than Severus Snape came back, ducking through the shimmery wall before stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of Regulus staring dreamily into the potion.

“What the fuck?” Severus asked, his eyes darting around even though no one else could see them.

“I was just curious. It’s not often you see a restricted potion being brewed in broad daylight.”

“How did you even get in here?”

“I’m not sure,” Regulus lied with a smile, leaning back into the windowsill with an air of confidence. He liked being in control and once again, he held all the cards now, “just fell through the wall I suppose.”

“That’s not possible.”

“Well it’s what happened.”

“Get out,” Severus snapped.

“Why are you brewing Veritaserum?”

“I’m not,” Severus snarked back, mimicking Regulus.

“Fine then, why does Sirius hate you? You can answer me that at least right?”

Severus took a minuscule step backwards as if caught off guard by the abrupt change of topic. “Are you high?” He finally said when he regained his composure.

“Yes, actually, quite,” Regulus responded pleasantly, “but why does he hate you?”

With a loud sigh and quite dramatic eye roll, Severus took a seat opposite to Regulus so the potion sat in between them. “Why do you even care? The whole damn castle knows you two hate each other. Though……I guess they don’t know why like I do.”

If he was trying to get under Regulus’s skin, he was doing a piss-poor job of it. Regulus was half convinced the world could end right now and he still wouldn’t really care. It was such a freeing feeling.

It wasn’t like alcohol at all. Alcohol made him lose control of himself, do things he wouldn’t normally do. Marijuana let him keep his control, but loosened his mind. Right then he decided he loved being high.

“Do you?” He yawned. It made him sleepy though. “Fascinating.”

“What did you do to your poor brother over Christmas that effected him this much? I mean I know it was something bad. A memory charm as part of it, but what was being erased?” Severus pressed, his beady eyes shining with curiosity.

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t. Whatever happened to him he probably deserved it. I just want to know what it was before he does. Assuming he still doesn’t know, but judging by your conversation a few months ago those memories might not ever be coming back.”

And they were back to that. Once again Regulus was wondering why the hell they hated each other so much.

“One answer for another,” he proposed. It was a fair trade.

“Fine.”

“Why does Sirius hate you?”

Severus sighed and looked out the window for a moment before replying. “I dunno. I think it started out as house rivalry and grew into something more over the years.”

Well that was disappointing. What a lame answer to receive. Regulus tried not to let his disappointment show.

“That hardly constitutes an answer. I could have guessed that.”

“Yeah but you didn’t,” Severus replied. “My turn. How did you really find this place? My spells are perfect, there’s no way you wandered into it.”

“Not as perfect as you think,” Regulus smirked back,” they’re shimmery. Like the wall was wet. Really, if you know what to look for it was quite easy.”

One corner of Severus’ mouth quirked up at that but it dropped just as quickly. “Then how did you know what to look for?”

“Not your turn for a question. Why are you brewing that Veritaserum?”

Regulus had asked that question before but as soon it as left his lips the second time, the mood soured. He could feel it instantly, a palpable shift in the air.

“Fuck off, Black,” Severus spat “go mind your own business and forget you ever saw this place.”

His eyes narrowed dangerously, and Regulus could see his fingers twitching slightly, as if begging for an excuse to draw his wand.

“Is that a threat?” Regulus asked, keeping the humour present in his voice.

“It’s whatever you make of it. Now get. The fuck. Out.”

Regulus didn’t need to be told again. And anyways, he’d gotten an answer to the question that had been eating at him and found a valuable piece of information to tuck away. It never hurt, having blackmail against someone.

All in all, it was a successful afternoon, Regulus thought, before wandering away to find another quiet place to sleep off the heaviness pressing on his eyelids.

Chapter Text

Friday, April 30

The broom closet was altogether too small for four people.

Sirius was squashed in the corner beside Remus who was practically sitting on his lap while Peter and James sat closest to the door, their legs cramped to make room for the small cauldron sitting in between them all.

However, apart from the unfortunate location, their plan was going quite well. The Polyjuice was on track, the perfect shade of brown for where they were in the brewing process. They had managed to secure a few strands of Marlene's artificially coloured blond hair, courtesy of James after a long day of Quidditch practice.

Everything was perfectly on track. All the ingredients had been collected, the plan set and known back and front by each of them. It was shaping up to be the most elaborate and difficult prank they had pulled off yet.

James was starting to worry they would have trouble topping it next year.

“I don’t know why we hadn’t thought of this ages ago,” Remus muttered, “Polyjuice really isn’t that hard to make, it’s just time consuming and requires some rare ingredients. You know, maybe we should set some aside for next year. It would certainly open up a whole new world of pranks.”

“Well how long does it last after it’s bottled?” Sirius asked.

“Dunno. Ages?”

“Maybe someone can find that out before we all turn into toads or something by drinking out of date Polyjuice Potion,” James joked, shifting uncomfortably against the mop handle jammed into his back.

“Bloody hell, are we almost done here?” Sirius asked, echoing James' sentiment. “I feel like this closet is getting smaller by the second.”

“Yeah yeah, we’re done. I said you didn’t have to come with you know.” Remus laughed, extracting himself from Sirius and the tangle of cleaning supplies.

It was true, Remus had offered to stir the potion alone, but wherever Remus went, Sirius went, and by extension, James, and finally Peter, who didn’t want to be left out.

After covering up the potion once more and falling out of the tiny door into the corridor they all headed down to lunch.

About halfway through, James noticed Severus was glaring at them again.

James had been noticing it for weeks now but lately it felt more sinister. Like the boy was gloating over something. It made James nervous, especially considering his knowledge on Remus' problem.

He was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and when Severus was involved, it was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

“Someone needs to check on the potion again tonight,” James leaned in and said to the table. They kept it vague on purpose for fear of being overheard, but really no one was paying much attention anyways. Marlene and Lily were involved in a rather heated debate over astrology and the position of the moons, and the nearest group of students apart from them were a good five feet away.

“I would do it but I’ll be cleaning the seventh years cauldrons until midnight,” Sirius replied bitterly, casting a glare at the Slytherin table.

“What is it, the flies?” Remus muttered, not bothering to look up from the book he was buried in.

“No, just a few stirs.”

“I’ll go,” Peter volunteered, “it’ll be easy for me, what with my disguise and all.”

“Cheers mate,” James replied, crossing that off his list and returning to his dinner. He would go himself but there was a pile of homework rapidly reaching the ceiling that desperately needed his attention.

Honestly, if Hogwarts went strictly off exams and tests he wouldn’t bother, but a good percentage of their grades came from homework so he figured he should complete some assignments now and again.

“James, weigh in on this for us please?” Marlene called from a few seats down. Lily rolled her eyes slightly, clearly still annoyed with Sirius, and by extension James. She was warming up though, and James took heart in that. He didn’t like the idea of anyone hating him.

Except Severus. Severus could hate him as much as he liked. The feeling was mutual.

“Go on then.”

“This chart here means that Mercury is going to be in retrograde in the coming months, yes? Lily seems to think it means the opposite.”

Smiling, James pushed his plate back and rose to go look at the chart. Truthfully he had no idea what she was even talking about, Astrology had never been his strong suit, but he was happy to be included.

“Hmmmmmm,” he breathed, pretending to study the parchment for a moment, “no, I think Lily’s right.”

If it would get him more points with Lily, he would say the moon was about to crash into the earth.

“No way!” Marlene gasped, “you’re just taking her side because you feel bad.”

“Nope,” he smirked, “she’s just right.”

“Well thank-you James. I believe that's the most sensible thing to come out of your mouth in weeks,” Lily replied, looking quite proud of herself.

Inwardly, James beamed.

Five points to Potter, he thought before heading back to his own seat.

————

Monday, May 31

Sometimes Regulus felt like he could die in this greenhouse and Professor Sprout would simply bury him in one of the plants to use as fertilizer before going on with her day.

He was alone this time, doomed to spend an entire Saturday separating the pods from the sacs of a bunch of carnivorous plants. He didn’t mind being alone but he at least wished Pandora was here to calm them down, or James to keep his mind off the numerous bites throbbing in his fingers.

It was just as he was thinking that that Professor Sprout came to his rescue. In the worst way possible.

“Regulus! I do believe I’ve found you some help for this afternoon,” she beamed, waving a hand to gesture forward to a presumably shy student.

Only, instead of the devious first year he had expected, Sirius came into view.

It was known to happen sometimes, Professor Sprout would send a student to work with Regulus for their detentions, either hoping the vicious plants, or Regulus’s attitude, would change their ways. Somehow Regulus figured her ploy wouldn’t work on him.

“Though,” she frowned, as if just realizing her mistake, “it might not be much of a true detention seeing as you two know each other.”

“Trust me, he’ll make it unpleasant,” Sirius muttered, pushing past her and into the greenhouse.

“Excellent” she beamed, clapping her hands together. “I’ll be in greenhouse five if you need me. I know you won’t though, Regulus.”

Probably not. He made a point to never need her. He solved his own problems. She was a perfectly pleasant woman but that was the exact problem Regulus had with her. She was far too happy for his liking.

“What am I doing then?” Sirius asked crossly, his arms folded as he glared across the room at his brother.

Regulus stared for a moment, suddenly unsure of himself. This was his private place and Sirius was invading it. Sure, it wasn’t really his, but it felt like it. The greenhouse had always been a sanctuary for him, a place to be alone with his thoughts, and sometimes Pandora. He loved being here. Right now, though, he would rather be anywhere else.

“Go prune those shrubs,” he replied flippantly, turning back to his work as though he hadn’t a care in the world.

“Fine.”

“Fine,” Regulus mimicked back, under his breath though so Sirius wouldn’t hear him.

They worked quietly for a few moments, the silence punctuated only by the sound of shears snipping softly and Regulus wincing as his fingers continued being bitten.

“Did they hurt you?” Sirius asked finally, breaking the growing tension.

“What?” Regulus whirled around, confused and taken aback by the question.

“I keep turning it around in my head, over and over. Why my memories are gone, why you’re still fucking there after what happened because it had to be awful. The only conclusion I can come to is that they must have hurt you. Tortured you maybe, like they did with me. Threatened you to stay because I know you, maybe you’re misguided and a little lost but I don’t think you would let them hurt me like that and still want to stay….”

His voice trailed off softly and let the idea hang in the air a moment.

Regulus gaped back, mouth open like a fool while he struggled to find words to reply. Guilt coiled hard in his stomach. How could his brother still believe? How could he still love him? Think the best of him? After everything? How could he possibly still have faith in Regulus?

The weight of his actions hit him suddenly, like a wave crashing over his head. It hurt to breathe.

The floor rose up suddenly, rising to greet Regulus as he fell to the ground. That was his brother. His blood. And Regulus had betrayed him.

He knew in his heart he would do it again. If he had to repeat that day he would do it all over again for the greater good but right now Sirius’s prying, concerned eyes were too much. Right now the price didn’t feel worth it.

“Reggie, are you okay?” his brother asked, voice dripping with care that Regulus certainly did not deserve. That nickname made him feel sick.

“What did they do to you?” He asked again, softly, “I can help. I can get you out, I got out, you can too.”

When Regulus didn’t answer he repeated it again. “I can help, I promise. I won’t leave you this time.”

“It was me,” he finally replied, his shaky voice barely above a whisper. “ It was the only way in. I had too. I was the one who tortured you and erased your memories. I was the one who walked you back to the library and pushed you through the fireplace. It was all me.”

Instantly the warm hand that had been rubbing soft circles into his back retracted, like Regulus had become something poisonous to the touch.

He had never craved touch before. It was something almost unheard of in the Black family and Regulus had grown to despise it as a result. He hated being touched by anyone. Now though, he wanted to be held by his brother.

Only Sirius was looking at him like he was a hideous spider, a disgusting bug to be squashed and and swept under the rug.

Then his expression changed slightly, to one tinged with hurt and deep sadness.

“I didn’t know you hated me that much.”

I don’t. He longed to say. Anything to ease this, anything to make his brother stop looking at him with such sad eyes.

But he couldn’t. Some things were just too irreparable.

“I-“

“Don’t,” Sirius stood up, his face already turning back to stone. “I’m done. You’re going to die in the war that’s coming. You’re going to die under the boot of someone who barely even knows your name. You chose your side now. I hope it was worth it.”

His shoes echoed on the stone floors as he walked away, letting the door swing shut behind him.

Regulus knew he wasn’t ever coming back this time.

————

Tuesday, June 1

James felt sick. Like his organs were trying to eat him whole, like they wanted to fall into the black hole that had opened up within his stomach and cease to exist.

\

He hadn’t believed it when Sirius told him at first. Regulus wouldn’t do that. He wasn’t capable of such wanton anger and hatred.

Except he was. James knew Sirius better than anyone else in the entire world and he wasn’t lying. He was angry, betrayed, enraged, sad beyond anything James had ever seen before, but he was not lying.

It all made sense now. The note Regulus had sent that night. He wasn’t sorry for what happened and ‘not being able to stop it'. He was sorry for…..James didn’t really know what he was sorry for, but it wasn’t that.

The whole fucked up situation made him want to puke. How many afternoons had he spent in the greenhouse? How many nights in the astronomy tower, thinking he was getting to know a facade of a person?

The Regulus he knew would never. James knew he was misguided, believing in a system that was destined to fail, but he had never imagined he would go this far simply to be accepted. It was inconceivable. Betraying a friend was bad enough but betraying a brother?

It wasn’t right.

The hatred he must have held to be able to cast that curse alone. He needed to mean it.

And the lies. All the fucking lies since.

It made him sick.

All week he had been thinking about it, tossing it over and over in his mind, replaying his conversation with Regulus after Christmas. He had just lied straight up to James face with not so much as a twitch.

Now, he was going to explain.

James couldn’t deny that he was nervous. He had never been a fan of confrontation, but this felt personal. Like he had been betrayed rather than Sirius. He supposed in a way he had been.

Every step James took towards the Astronomy Tower made him feel more ill than the last and when he looked down to see Regulus’s name circling the page he felt like he might lose his dinner.

Stagnant air filled his lungs with a thick cloud of dread as he stopped finally beneath the trapdoor and attempted to collect his thoughts.

Where was he even supposed to start? Which lie was the one he would address first?

Minutes ticked away while James stood there, frozen in place. Then finally, he gave up and pushed through the door with a heavy heart.

“Late again?” Regulus asked, a feeble attempt to make a joke. James could tell from his stiff, rigid posture that he knew what was coming.

“Yeah, it’s a shame to be constantly disappointed isn’t it?” James snarled back, the words ripping out of him.

“Let me explain at lea-“

“No,” James cut him off, “you’re a liar. Everything you said after Christmas, fuck maybe everything before that too. It was all lies. Why? Why would you ever do something like that? How can you support that? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

James could feel the anger building in his fingertips, vibrating up into his arms and chest. He couldn’t believe him now or ever again. Everything he had said was a blatant lie, said with a straight face and believable emotions. It was fucked up.

Regulus still hadn’t moved from his position on the floor. He looked almost statuesque. He was so still. It only made James angrier.

“Do you even fucking care?” He asked, half shouting now.

Regulus continued to mimic stone.

“Fucking say something Regulus!” James screamed, violently whipping his cloak to the side.

“What do you want me to say?” he whispered, “you won’t believe me anyways.”

All at once the anger was gone, replaced with a deep sense of shame and guilt. Regulus continued to sit quietly but his stony shell was drooping slightly, a mask of sadness that James knew all too well clouding his eyes. He looked like Sirius had when he told him.

James loved too deeply, he knew that. It was his fatal flaw. And still after everything he knew, he had pity, had hope that maybe, just maybe there was more to the story. Maybe Regulus wasn’t the monster Sirius had described.

“Why would I? All you’ve done is lie. What even is there to believe anymore?”

They locked eyes for a moment and beneath the dark emptiness, James could see a flicker of something unrecognizable. Guilt perhaps? Regulus looked away before he could place it.

“He’s not lying. I did all those things. I….tortured him, watched as the rest of them tortured him. I erased his memory. I shoved him through the Floo, I cleaned his blood from the floor. I did it. And I got in, James. I met Voldemort, I earned his trust….”

Disgusted, James looked away, his eyes landing on Regulus’s hands where they were clutched in his lap, fingers tracing absentmindedly over the thin scar left by James’s wand.

“And I betrayed them.”

Finally he looked back up, searching for a shred of truth in his face. It might really have been there but James didn’t believe it. Regulus had proved himself a capable liar. After all, hadn’t he shared this tale before?

“I can’t trust your words,” he replied simply.

“Trust my memory then. I’ll show you.” Regulus crossed the distance between them quickly, whipping his wand out and clasping a hand firmly around James’ wrist. It was surprisingly cool to the touch.

“You know as well as I do that you can’t tamper with memories when they’re still inside your head.” He pressed the tip of his wand to his temple and James felt his body drop out from underneath him. It was really quite similar to the sensation of becoming his Animagus form.

They drifted together in a black haze for a moment before the world blurred into view once more.

It was a hallway, long and dark, with no end in sight. Dark wooden doors lined the walls, each one slightly different than the last. Some had colours peeking out from underneath. Baby blue, pale yellow, dark green. Others seemed more sinister.

As Regulus walked ahead down the hallway, James noticed a few of them were chained shut. Dozens of padlocks and chains adorning the hinges. One of them was even boarded. Nailed so tightly and with so many nails that he could hardly see the wood of the door through the glint of metal.

James was just about to ask what that one was when Regulus stepped forward and threw open one of the doors.

Once more he was pulled forward into a place he knew well.

Dumbledore’s office.

“What-“

“Watch,” Regulus commanded, silencing him.

James obeyed, closing his mouth and watching as the office door opened and a shadowy form of Regulus stepped in. He walked around a bit, rifling through various objects, as though he were looking for something. After a few minutes he found it.

James watched in horror as memory Regulus uncapped a bottle of something orange and produced a small phial from his pocket.

“You’re poisoning him,” James realized in horror, “you said this was the truth, why are you doing that?”

“Shut up and watch,” Regulus snapped.

So James did. He watched as Dumbledore appeared and Regulus dropped the bottle. He watched as Dumbledore invited him for tea. He watched as they discussed the war and Voldemort and he stayed completely silent as Dumbledore offered Regulus a choice.

A double-agent.

A spy.

Finally the memory started fading and James swallowed hard as they landed back in reality. Regulus’s hand lifted from his wrist in a matter of seconds.

“You wanted the truth? There it is. The hard fucking truth.”

James didn’t know what to say. Memories couldn’t lie.

“Then….why?” He asked softly.

Regulus took a deep breath and put his wand away before speaking. “That was after what I did to Sirius, but you don’t get it James. You’ll never get it and I envy you for that. There was no other choice. It was that or we were both dead. I had to do what I did. And it got him out finally. He’s in danger there, James, you know that. If he believes there’s even a fraction of a chance at saving me he won’t stop and it will end in his death. So I got him out. I don’t regret it. I just wish I could have stopped it from happening at all.”

James let the words sink in for a moment. It all made sense now. Like a puzzle falling into place it just clicked. Except for one thing.

“But you believed in all that stuff. The blood purity and the deaths and…… everything.”

“People change,” Regulus shrugged.

“And what about you? You said they would have killed you if you didn’t hurt Sirius. What will they do if they find out you’re a spy? Won’t they kill you, or worse?” James asked, his eyes brimming with concern for his friend.

“They won’t find out. I’ll make sure of it. And besides, I’m still in school. I imagine it’ll be a few years before they start giving me proper information. I’m playing the long game, James. If this war continues, I’ll be useful, and if not, I’ll be safe.”

Slowly, he nodded. He didn’t like it but he could respect it. He wanted to do the same. They had all talked about it already, what they were planning on doing after school. It had been unanimous. If this war continued till graduation, they would join up. All four of them. Really, in a way James envied Regulus for that. The boy was a year younger yet willing to sacrifice everything to help.

“I’m sorry,” James breathed.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know.”

“I want to help, if I can.”

Regulus smiled, a sad kind of smile, the one you give children when they ask for something impossible without knowing. “You can’t. It’s my responsibility.”

————

Sunday, June 6

With OWLS fast approaching, James found his afternoons full of studying, library trips with Remus, mock quizzes with Peter and Saturday study group with Marlene, Lily and Mary, who seemed to finally have gotten over her hatred of the marauders for fear of failing her OWLS. Sirius stayed out of all of it, despite their many attempts to bring him back into the fold.

James knew that what he had learned about Regulus was hitting him hard. The guilt of it ate away at him, knowing the real truth yet unable to say anything to ease Sirius’s pain. It was better in the long run. Regulus had been right in that, if Sirius knew he would never let go and he needed to let go.

The truth of what he knew weighed on him all weekend. While everyone else locked themselves away in books and studying, James’ mind was elsewhere, lingering on Regulus once again.

He was worried, in truth. Sirius was free now, there was no denying that. Regulus had freed him completely with his lies but who would free Regulus?

Was he really destined for this? Sacrificing his life to play a double agent in a war he was far too young for? It wasn’t right. James’ heart hurt at the thought of it. He so badly wanted to help, to do anything to ease the burden but he couldn’t. There was nothing to do.

And instead of focusing on his studies and the impending OWLS, he was worrying about it all.

“James!” Remus startled him back to reality with a crumpled up paper ball to the face. “Look alive sunshine.”

He smiled halfheartedly and nodded, looking back down at the open book. “Sorry.”

“You alright mate?” Remus asked, furrowing his brow in concern. “You’ve been staring out that window for a long while.”

“Yeah.”

“That was the least convincing ‘yeah’ I’ve ever heard. What’s up?” There was a loud crack as Remus snapped his own book shut and tilted his head slightly, revealing a small purple bruise puckered into the skin of his neck..

The sight of it was so shocking that all James could do was gape for a moment before Remus awkwardly tugged the fabric of his robes back up.

“Um ... .nevermind about me! Remus, what the bloody hell! Have you been snogging someone and keeping it from us?” James burst out, his face splitting into a wide smile.

“What? No! Well……yes but it’s not…..it’s nothing,” Remus spluttered, his face turning a bright shade of red.

James let out a loud cackle, causing some shushes from the further corners of the library. He had never seen Remus so flustered before. His usually passive, quiet friend was a stuttering mess over some girl, and he hadn’t told anyone about it.

“Who?” James asked eagerly, “is it Marlene? You two have been spending a ton of time together lately……”

“It’s no one, just drop it.”

“Nah come on, I won’t judge. I’ll keep it a secret, I promise!”

“It’s not my secret to share,” Remus answered, looking around nervously at the shelves of books. Did he think someone would hear them?

“Uh, yeah, it is,” James pointed out, “it’s as much your secret as theirs!”

Remus took a deep breath. “James…” His tone held more seriousness now. James let the smile fall from his face as he met Remus’ eyes. “I want to tell you something.”

“Okay….?”

Fuck. What now? Was Remus in trouble? Did something happen? A million thoughts raced through James’ mind. Nothing good ever came from that sentence and as much as he loved Remus, he felt like his brain might explode if he had to stress about one more thing.

Remus took another steadying breath and looked away for a moment. James could feel his heart pounding with anxiety.

“I’m gay,” he finally whispered, letting the words come to rest upon the pile of books in the soft lighting of the library.

“Oh.” That was it? James exhaled with relief. That was nothing!

People were what mattered. Their spirits, their choices, their morals. That was the only thing James had ever cared about. He couldn’t care less who anyone chose to share their bed with.

“Oh?” Remus questioned, biting one side of his lip.

“I mean.. good for you? Fuck, sorry, that’s not very nice is it? Um….I’m happy for you?” He finally settled on, cringing internally.

“So you’re okay with it?”

“Well yeah. Can’t be much worse than you being a werewolf!” James joked. “Shit. I didn’t mean it like that……bloody hell I’m bad at this. I just mean I don’t care. It doesn’t change the way I view you or anything. If you’re happy then good, guy, girl, whoever. I don’t care.”

Remus smiled tentatively. “Okay then.”

“Okay then,” James repeated, smiling back.

“Good, now can we please get back to studying?”

He nodded, looking back down at the papers and tried to focus his mind. It lasted all of two minutes before he sighed and looked up.

“So who’s the guy?” he asked cheekily, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively in Remus’s direction.

In response, Remus lobbed another paper ball at his head.

————

Tuesday, June 8

“Honestly I can’t wait,” James said, absentmindedly tossing the snitch in the air once more. Regulus had no idea where he had gotten it from. Possibly snatched from the pitch after a late practice? He didn’t know, nor did he care.

“For?” Regulus replied, eying up James as he lounged across from him.

“Summer? Haven’t you been listening?”

He hadn’t. James had been going on and on for so long that Regulus had begun to tune him out. He had such a wonderful summer planned and Regulus was sick of hearing about it.

“Oh, right.”

James sat up and snatched the snitch out of the air again. “ Am I boring you?”

“Kinda,” Regulus smirked, “I mean how many times can one reiterate the same thing before it starts to lose its meaning? For me, it was about ten conversations ago.”

“Fine. We’ll talk about something else then.”

“We could just not talk,” Regulus suggested cheekily. For a moment James looked scandalized. Then he followed where Regulus was looking and a smile spread across his face.

“Are you suggesting what I think you are?” He asked, already scrambling up from his seat.

“I believe I am.”

It was something they had been talking about for ages but hadn’t gotten the chance to put into action yet. Today seemed like the perfect day. Regulus had the itch to do something and the cool breeze trickling in from the windows was inviting.

He rose wordlessly, tossing open the trapdoor and gesturing for James to head down it.

It didn’t take long to get outside. James’ map was practically a cheat code for getting out of the castle unnoticed, and once they were out it was next to impossible to be found. James changed first, leaping into his animagus form with such grace that it shocked Regulus.

He hadn’t seen him since that first time and James had been in the midst of a full blown panic attack then. Now he was in his element, leaping and bounding across the grounds, the moon glinting off his antlers. Regulus couldn’t deny it was beautiful.

He joined in swiftly, shedding his human skin and slipping into the comfortable fur of the cat.

They played for hours in the forest, safe from the darker creatures within as long as they stayed creatures themselves. They didn’t go far. Just enough to hide the dim glow of Hogwarts behind the trees.

It was wonderful. Regulus felt free of his burdens, he was careless and wild for one night. The scents of the forest were brighter as a cat. It was as though he could see them. The peaty scent of moss and rain drifting from the leaves, the cool scent of earth and dirt and magic.

He knew James felt it too.

They spent hours racing through the trees, chasing each other, playing a mock version of hide and seek and eventually just wandering about, taking in the beauty of the forest at night.

When at last they had tired they turned human once more and began to walk back up through the trees.

“I never really get to go outside like this, you know? We always stay in the shack during the full moons.”

“Makes sense. Can’t imagine that’s too comfortable for you though, what with being six feet tall and sprouting a full head of antlers,” Regulus replied, the high of the night still flowing through his veins.

“We should do it again sometime,” James said, stopping as they reached the castle entrance.

“Yeah,” Regulus smiled.

Their eyes locked for a brief moment and James hand reached up to tuck a lock of Regulus hand behind his ear.

It was so sudden and strange that he let it happen, feeling the warmth of James fingers as they brushed against his cheek. For one quick second James almost looked…..sad.

“…what…?” Regulus whispered, his heart slamming violently in his chest though he wasn’t quite sure why.

What the fuck was that?

He opened his mouth to speak as James turned away hastily, muttering a rushed goodbye before heading down the corridor, leaving Regulus with his heart racing, trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened.

————

Wednesday, June 9

Normally Regulus would hate this. Sitting outside, under direct sunlight, surrounded by people? It was the closest thing to a personal hell that he could get.

He didn’t mind it as much today though. A combination of relief with exams almost being done, a cool breeze coming off the lake, and Pandora’s good weed make it somewhat tolerable. Perhaps even likeable.

They were all sitting on a worn blanket, the scratchy fabric faded over years of wear and tear. Evan and Barty were lazily tossing down cards, playing some game they had invented themselves. Regulus had tried to understand the rules but had long since given up.

Now, he and Pandora were lying down, side by side, basking in the warmth and talking quietly about their summer plans.

“I signed up for that summer program,” she said, lifting one hand to twirl her fingers and admire the way the sun glinted off her various rings.

“Did you?”

“Yeah. I’m really excited, you know? It’s gonna be weeks of traipsing around in the wild finding new species,” she sighed dreamily, “I can’t wait. But hey, what are you doing this summer then? Big plans?”

Regulus closed his eyes. “No, not really. Probably just be at home the whole time.”

“Boring. You should really get out more, Reg. Go make some friends or find a hobby.”

“I have a hobby,” he laughed back, “I'm just not allowed to do it at home.”

“Oh go on then! Take my soul while you’re at it too,” Barty whined from beside them, flopping backwards to show his defeat.

“I dunno why you try and play me anyways, I’m better,” Evan chuckled gleefully, collecting his earnings, “now what is this about a hobby?”

“Ooh Reg was just regaling us about his extensive hobbies. I called him a recluse and he has yet to prove he isn’t one.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. He wasn’t a recluse. He had plenty of hobbies and friends. Just not so much during the summer. Especially not now. Last summer had been strange enough without Sirius home and Regulus knew for certain he would never be returning again. And if Orion was away as well then it would fall on Regulus to oversee his mother’s health.

That was time-consuming enough as it was.

“My personal life is none of your business,” he settled on.

“Fuck Reg, no ones harping you for it,” Barty laughed, “we all know what my summer is going to look like. Can’t be much worse.”

No one could argue that. Barty objectively had the worst holidays out of all of them.

“Way to bring down the mood, Crouch,” Evan jabbed.

“Fuck off,” Barty laughed back, sitting up to start dealing the cards once more. Regulus smiled at the sight.

“How’s James?” Pandora asked once they had drifted off into their own world once more, “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

The words caused Regulus to freeze up. He had been awake almost half the night thinking about what had happened between them yesterday and still couldn’t form a solid conclusion. It was all so damn confusing. He couldn’t figure out quite how he felt about it yet.

“Regulus?” Pandora prompted in her soft voice.

“He’s fine. Busy with OWLS like you.”

She made a soft noise and left it at that. Regulus closed his eyes and continued spiralling.

Maybe there had been a leaf in his hair or something. Maybe there was a reasonable explanation. Maybe Regulus was just overthinking all of this. It was normal right? What James had done? It was just a normal thing that friends do for each other, there was nothing weird about it at all.

Regulus had to just be making a big deal out of nothing. After all, it was James.

“Oh bloody hell,” Evan said suddenly, his voice a mixture of annoyance and sympathy, “why can’t they just fucking pick on someone else for once? I’m so tired of seeing the same shit.”

Regulus sat up to see what he was talking about and caught a glimpse of Snape facing off against a crowd of Gryffindors. Mainly Sirius and James.

“Nothing new there,” Regulus spat, laying back down and ignoring the commotion happening across the grounds.

“It’s cruel,” Pandora stated, though she made no move to do anything about it.

No one ever did.

————

Thursday, June 10

Four down, one to go.

James was so close to being done. Just one OWL left and then he was free. There was still the matter of the final quidditch game, but based on Pandora’s prediction and the way the points currently sat, James knew there wasn’t a chance of them winning.

It was freeing in and of itself though. There was no pressure. Just one final game, nothing riding on it, just a final face-off with Slytherin.

He wasn’t nervous about it this time despite what had happened at the last game they’d played against Slytherin. No, his anxiety didn’t stem from the Quidditch game this time. It came from having to see Regulus again.

The last few days he had been avoiding the boy, checking the map religiously between his OWLS, avoiding the Great Hall if Regulus was there. He didn’t want to face him.

James knew what he had done had crossed a line. He wasn’t even sure why he had done it.

It hadn’t been a conscious effort, he knew that much. He had just seen the hair fall over Regulus’ face, covering his smile and his body reacted without thinking.

Stupid.

It was so stupid.

James knew what Regulus was like. Reminiscent of his animagus, he was skittish. One wrong move and it could send him fleeing in the opposite direction.

After everything this year, all the things they had overcome, the friendship they had forged despite it all and it was about to be ruined because James couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

It wasn’t often that James felt true hatred. He could count on one hand the amount of times he had truly experienced that emotion and it was never directed at himself. Just now though, he hated himself.

Dinner that night was a rather quiet affair.

Remus spent the whole time reviewing Potions notes with Peter while Sirius stared lethargically into his potatoes, leaving James to sip his pumpkin juice and make conversation with Mary and Marlene.

“What are you doing all summer then James?” Mary asked, her eyes dragging across the papers spread over the table before looking back up at James.

“Not much,” he answered honestly, “Sirius and I wanted to go camping for a bit but with everything going on with the war right now we might have to postpone it.”

“Oh,” she frowned, “I’m sorry.”

“S’alright,” he replied cheerily, faking optimism for once, “there will be other years. What about you? Any big plans for the holidays?”

Mary launched into a long-winded story about how she and her family were planning on spending the summer in Rome. James half listened, nodding and smiling in all the right places as his potatoes grew cold. When she finally finished her tangent, she looked up at him with a warm, expectant smile.

“Sounds great Mary,” he replied. “I hope you have fun.”

She nodded and beamed at him before taking a sip of her pumpkin juice and joining in with Remus and Peter’s last minute studying. James was quietly relieved.

He didn’t really feel like talking.

————

Friday, June 11

“Alright listen up now,” Frank called, his voice echoing through the small room where the entire Gryffindor team was gathered. “This is the last game of the season, which means this is our last chance to show those Slytherins what we’re all about. And I, for one, really bloody want to win! So Marlene, no passing the Quaffle to the other team!” The room erupted in a round of laughter. “Rose, no dirty tricks on the other seeker!” The small girl blushed and ducked her head, but James could see a fire lit behind her eyes. “And everyone else, help your teammates!”

The room erupted in a roar of cheers as broomsticks were raised into the air.

“NOW LET’S GO KICK SOME BLOODY ARSE!” Frank yelled, marching out the door and onto the pitch without giving James a moment to prepare.

They filed one by one out the door after him, the deafening cheer of the stands bursting to life once they were in the open air.

Instantly, James’ eyes sought out Regulus from across the green. His dark hair was slightly mussed, and he was the last one out but his posture revealed no sign of weakness, even as his eyes flicked up to meet James’.

Both teams lined up across from each other as they shook hands with their counterparts. James' mouth suddenly felt dry as he watched Regulus shake hands with Rose.

He looked annoyed. James knew why. Regulus had ranted about her more than once, his ability to hold a grudge extremely impressive to James, who always forgave instantly.

“Mount up!” The referee shouted.

Within seconds, the whistle screeched through the air and everyone was away.

The match was a blur to James. He had never felt unfocused in the air before but today he felt as though the Quaffle could land directly in his hands and he wouldn’t even know what to do with it.

As the match went on and Slytherins points grew, the cheering stands full of Gryffindors grew quieter.

James tried, he really did. He tried to pay attention, but it felt like every time he cleared his head, he would catch a glimpse of Regulus, streaking past in a flash of green and James would lose his focus all over again.

It was an unwinnable battle in his mind and he lost more with each passing second.

By the time Frank finally called for a break Slytherin was 100 points ahead of them and the entire Gryffindor team had lost their spirit.

“Okay! Good effort guys,” Frank tried to cheer them up, “but we need to do better! Rose, give it twenty more points and if we haven’t cracked fifty by then I want you to catch the snitch. James, Alice, Marlene, you need to communicate! I have three chasers who seem to be playing separate games, what’s going on?”

“Sorry,” was all James could mutter as he hung his head. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. This last game was supposed to be fun, not an exercise in shame and defeat.

Frank gave him an odd, almost sympathetic look before moving on. “Alright then. Let’s get back out there!”

The second half of the game didn’t go much better. Though Frank's pep talk improved spirits slightly, they simply didn’t have enough time to turn it around. Not even five minutes after they got back up in the air, Regulus caught the snitch and the game was over.

As the dejected Gryffindors slumped back to the locker room, James slipped quietly away from the pitch. He had dealt with enough humiliation today, he didn’t need to add the disappointed looks from his teammates to the pile.

He slipped silently back into the common room before the masses of students could return and crept up to the dorms, tossing his soiled robes on the floor before crawling into bed and undoing the curtains to let the wall of darkness swallow him whole.

He was just starting to drift away when he heard the muttered voices of his friends enter the room.

“James?” Remus called softly, “you alright?”

He ignored it, just wanting to be alone.

“I think he’s sleeping,” Sirius muttered, “or avoiding us.”

“Well yeah, we got our asses kicked at that game, it was embarrassing,” Peter whispered.

James slowly produced his wand from under his pillow and silently cast a muffling spell to silence the voices. He didn’t need a reminder.

Ten minutes later he saw the lights flicker out as they all left the room.

Saturday, June 12

It was sheer, dumb luck that James forgot his wand that day.

Amidst the chaos of the day, (a marginally better one than the last), he had completely forgotten about it.

Despite the foul mood he had been in the night before, he awoke early, determined to make his final days of the year better than yesterday. After rousing his friends they all headed down to the lake to enjoy the sunny summer day and finalize their plans for the night.

Time had gotten the better of them though and after wasting away the whole afternoon, they rushed up to dinner to eat before parting ways. It was just as they were leaving the final feast early when James patted his pockets and realized the familiar shape was missing.

He pulled away, his face draining slowly. Gryffindor tower was too far away. Not nearly enough time to get there and back before they needed to leave to set up for the prank.

It had to go perfectly, this was the most elaborate one yet, with too many moving parts and even more of a timeline since it was the last full moon of the year and they had to be out at the Shrieking Shack before sundown.

The plan was that they all scraped down dinner as quickly as possible before departing to their respective places. Remus was to go to the hospital wing for a once-over by Pomfrey before getting escorted to the shack, Peter was on lookout, staying at the feast to ensure Dumbledore didn’t leave early and head to the kitchens.

Sirius had the most difficult job of convincing the house elves. He had help of course, a single white hair lifted from Dumbledore’s robes in the halls. It took weeks to retrieve and a lot of luck but mixed in with some of the freshly-brewed poly juice, it would provide a quite convincing disguise for him to slip into the kitchens with. From there he would give the house elves the rest of the Polyjuice (mixed with Marlene's hair) and order them to divide it up into every student's pumpkin juice the next morning.

And finally, James had to bewitch the portraits. It was a last minute addition to the plan but they all agreed it added a flair of drama that was much needed. Every portrait in the main corridor was going to be transfigured to display Marlene; a sneak peek to the chaos that would unfold the following morning.

Their plan was on a strict time constraint and it certainly did not have time for Jame’s slip up.

“Fuck, fuck,” Sirius had said, running a hand anxiously through his hair, “okay, you run, grab your wand, head back down and- fuck that won’t work. The feast will be over by then, you’ll have every damn student rushing out into the hall at that point.”

“I can do it,” Remus volunteered, whipping his wand out already.

“No, you can’t. Pomfrey will suspect something if you’re not there on time.”

“Peter, it has to be you,” Sirius whispered, earning a scared look from the shorter boy.

“But I have to watch Dumbledore!”

“Watch him from the hall as you work! James needs his wand for tomorrow morning and he won’t have time before we need to be at the feast. It’s not like he can leave the shack early!”

Peter nodded timidly, scared of fighting back with Sirius when he had his mind made up.

It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if James didn’t need his wand for the grand finale. He could easily do without for a night but as Sirius had pointed out, he wouldn’t have time to grab it in the morning before the feast.

“Okay. James, you fucking run, meet us at the tree in half an hour. If everything goes according to plan we should have an eventless night followed by a brilliant morning. We don’t have time to discuss anything else. Now bloody go!”

His words were punctuated with a light shove and James took off down the hall sprinting, sending up a silent prayer as he ran that everything would word out. He turned once to see his three friends also heading off in separate directions before focusing solely on getting back to the common room.

Twenty minutes later he was there, bursting through the door with a gasp, his lungs heaving from the stairs.

Instantly he threw himself at his bed and started whipping through the sheets.

He had been searching for not even a minute when the voice came.

“James?” So faintly he almost thought it was his mind playing tricks.

Then it came again.

“James please!” Louder this time, more urgent and….scared. It was Sirius’s voice, that much was unmistakable. James would recognize it anywhere. It made his whole body go cold. Sirius was never scared of anything.

Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong.

Fear pooled in his stomach like coal as Sirius continued pleading to the room, using his voice as a beacon for James to locate the connected shard of mirror. The whole time he chastised himself internally for not carrying it with him like Sirius did.

He had thought it was pointless, seeing as how they slept in the same room, had most of their classes together and generally were never too far apart. Now though, he was seeing the benefit.

After far too long he found it, folded into one of his dirty robes in the corner.

“Yeah?” He whispered, growing even more unsettled by the sight of Sirius. His face was pale and his eyes were wide and darting around with every passing second.

“James….” He started, tears pooling in his eyes reflected back through the dim mirror, “I fucked up…..”

Chapter Text

There were many thoughts that passed through James’ mind as he listened to Sirius speak through the mirror, but none stuck quite as much as the three letter word that had become a central point to James’ existence.

Why?

Why would he ever do something like that?

He knew Sirius was having a tough time of it recently, but this? It was so far over the line. Using Remus as a way to get rid of Severus? Sending him to a certain death and making one of his best friends into a murderer?

James felt like he might lose his dinner all over the floor. The room seemed to spin around him while Sirius continued pleading his case in the background.

“Please James,” he was saying, “I swear I didn’t mean to. I swear!”

James was hardly listening. His mind was running a million miles a second, fractals of every possible outcome spilling out and consuming him.

“Sirius,” he finally managed, “ go get a Professor. I don’t care if you have to run into the feast and confess in front of everyone. Go and get a fucking Professor now.”

To his credit, Sirius listened without a moment's hesitation. James heard the click of his locket closing as the mirror went dark and James was left alone in the dorms amidst the chaos of his own mind.

What was going to happen now? Would they get there in time? What if Severus was already on his way to the shack? What if he got there before anyone else?

Bolting up from where he sat on the floor, James ran. He ran faster than he ever had in his entire life.

Down the stairs, out the portrait, down more stairs. It was all a blur. The only thing present in his mind was the need to save Remus, even if it cost him his life.

He hardly noticed when the air brushing against his face changed from the warm castle air to the cool evening breeze as he left the confines of the school walls. He didn’t even slow when he reached the Whomping Willow; the danger of being bludgeoned by the tree only sparked in his mind for a moment before he dove between the writhing branches and down into the damp tunnel, narrowly avoiding impalement from a tree branch.

“SEVERUS!” He called, his voice hoarse and breathless.

No reply.

James continued running.

The tunnel seemed to stretch on for ages. It was longer than it had ever been before, an endless line of pitch black stone. He trailed one hand to the side of the path as he ran to avoid running into the wall, cursing to himself silently for forgetting his wand.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he spotted a faint light bobbing in the distance.

“Severus!” He screamed again. “Stop!”

But of course he didn’t stop. The light hurried away, increasing its pace, and James flew after it.

“Stop!” he called again, barely hearing himself through the pounding of his footsteps and the sound of his heartbeat in his ears. It was no use. Severus was on a mission.

When James finally reached him, the light in the tunnel had grown bright again. The stone faded into wood and James knew they were only seconds away from disaster. The familiar wooden door stood ominously behind Severus’s robes as the boy turned to sneer at him. His face twisted into an expression of obvious glee as he lifted his wand to level it at James’ face.

“So here we are,” he drawled, “finally the secret you’ve been hiding for so long comes to light. Look hard, Potter. After today, your friend will be gone.”

James stared on, his heart pounding.

“I think I’ll write the Daily Prophet first, let them know what hideous creatures Dumbledore’s been letting onto the school grounds. Perhaps it’ll be in the post tomorrow morning. Then you can be sure your furry little friend won’t ever be returning.”

“If you go through there the only person that won’t be returning is you,” James heaved. “He’ll kill you, Severus. I have no love for you, we both know that. Fuck, I actually hate you, but if you go in there you will die and I won’t be able to do anything about it.”

For a moment, Severus’s expression flickered with fear, but it was replaced with the smooth facade of triumph just as quickly.

“You can’t scare me. I know you’re just trying to protect your secret. You don’t want me seeing the truth.”

“No,” James replied truthfully, “I don’t. But I’m not lying when I say you’re going to die. Have you ever seen a werewolf, Severus? That’s not Remus anymore. He’ll rip you apart in seconds and take pleasure in it. You’re no match for him in that form. No one here is.”

As if on cue, a loud howl ripped through the air, muffled only slightly by the wooden door behind them. Once more Severus’s face betrayed him, displaying a small amount of panic.

“Please don’t make him a murderer,” James begged.

The sound of hurried footsteps filled the stone tunnel suddenly, echoing as they got louder and louder.

“Potter! Snape!” McGonagall cried, her voice betraying a certain level of alarm that James had never heard from the older woman. “Drop your wands!”

“I don’t have one Professor,” James replied automatically, stepping aside so she could pass through.

At the same time, the door behind Severus began to shudder. Something slammed into it repeatedly, and a horrific wail filled the air. James cringed away unconsciously as the wail turned into ripping noises. Remus was clawing at the door, trying desperately to get to the three wizards behind it.

“Come away from there Severus,” McGonagall said calmly, extending one hand to pull him away.

He didn’t move. Severus seemed to be caught between worlds, his eyes staring longingly at the door even as it shuddered and creaked.

“Severus. Come here,” she said once more, her words more stern now.

Finally the boy listened, his wand dropping limply to his side as he stepped past James, shooting him a look of pure hatred as he did.

McGonagall said nothing more as she began to walk back down the tunnel, Severus following closely behind. James let out a slight sigh of relief before following them.

Remus was safe.

His relief was short-lived however. Between the rhythmic clack of footsteps his mind began to whir again.

There would certainly be punishment for this. What Sirius had done was attempted murder. This went far beyond a schoolyard rivalry now. Far beyond a few pranks or hexes.

His stomach dropped lower. This was grounds for expulsion.

McGonagall led James back to his common room first. She was silent the whole way there, and even through the silence James could feel her rage.

“Stay here.” She instructed him quietly, but it was the kind of quiet that simply seethed authority and power.

James nodded mutely and stepped through the portrait, waiting quietly for the door to swing closed before dashing up the stairs. He needed to see Sirius. He needed the whole story.

His dorm was empty when he entered. The remnants of his furious search for his wand still present, though it felt like years ago by now. Ironically the first thing his eyes landed on as he stepped in were his wand.

In a trance-like state he walked over to it and picked it up, placing it back in his robes before sitting down on the bed. It felt wrong. His veins burned with the ache to do something. To fIx something.

He couldn’t be here.

There was too much still happening. He needed to see Sirius. He needed to fix this all.

Most of all though, he needed someone to talk to.

He needed someone. He needed Sirius.

But he wanted Regulus.

————

The small window on the third floor was by far Regulus’s favourite spot at Hogwarts. No one ever came back there and even if they did, they never spotted him.

He came here often when he needed complete silence. It was a good place to think. Even better at night when he could see the stars above the treetops, shining through the aged glass.

James found it that night though.

It was far too late. Late enough that he risked detention for being found when James came rushing through the hall, his face a beacon of fear.

“Regulus?” James called out in a slight whisper, his voice cracking on the word.

“Yeah?” Regulus replied quietly, his heartbeat quickening at the sight of the other boy. They never met like this.

James sat down beside Regulus in the windowsill, their knees touching slightly and sending a shiver down Regulus’ spine. He jerked his own leg away quickly.

“Are you okay?” Regulus breathed when James didn’t say anything more.

“No.” Came the reply.

Regulus could hardly see him from this angle. With his back to the window, his face was shrouded in darkness, concealing his features and shutting off the emotion in his eyes that Regulus had grown to rely on.

“What happened?”

Regulus heard James take a long, shuddering breath and he realized with a start that James was crying. Soft tears glistened slightly on his cheeks, catching stray rays of moonlight.

“Sirius sent Severus to go and find Remus. He told him how to get under the tree and how to get into the shack where Remus would be waiting. He was going to let Remus murder him…..”

The last sentence was whispered and Regulus shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He had never been much good at comforting people and that was exactly what James needed right now. Regulus was sure of it. James had come to him for comfort.

“Why did you come to me?” Regulus asked.

“I don’t know. McGonagall told me to stay in the common room and everyone else was gone. I ….you make me feel normal I guess. Like whatever fucked up thing is going on in my life doesn’t exist when I’m with you. You’re a bubble, Regulus. You absorb everything outside of us and when I’m with you it’s just us. We just exist, alone and undisturbed.”

There it was again. That odd feeling in his stomach that he’d been trying to avoid ever since James had touched his hair. It was back in full force.

“Oh,” he managed, quite unsure of what to say. He hated this. He hated feeling so…..out of control. Forcing the feeling down, he choked out the words that had been strangling him since that night. “What was that the other day? After the forest?”

James didn’t miss a beat before replying and it was the first inkling that Regulus had that something else was going on there. “You looked so beautiful in the moonlight and I wanted to keep looking at you. Your hair was in the way.”

His words took Regulus’ breath away.

It wasn’t right. He wasn’t supposed to think about Regulus like that.

A word popped into his mind, conjured up with images of a closed door and stale pieces of bread shoved underneath.

Queer.

But that was wrong. Regulus wasn’t queer. And James couldn’t be either. He was too….perfect to have something like that wrong with him.

“Don’t.” The words came out harsh, harsher than he had wanted but there was a certain satisfaction to the way James flinched at them. “Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t look at me. It’s disgusting and I want no part in it.”

Regulus rose from the windowsill now, his hands trembling. “You stay away from me.”

There was a sharp noise as James breathed in heavily but Regulus didn’t hear it. His footsteps drowned out any noise as he walked away, leaving James alone, crying in the windowsill.

————

James floated back to the common room alone, his tears drying where they fell.

It was too much. Too many things happening all at once.

There were a few students scattered around in the cosy room but James ignored them all, trudging back up to the stairs as though in a trance.

“James?” Peter’s voice rang out, startling James out of his own mind. “I went to the tree to wait and no one was there. What happened? Where’s Sirius?”

As if prompted by an external force, the words fell out in a monotone voice. He told him everything, what Sirius had done, the encounter with Severus, his fears about Sirius being expelled. When it was over, Peter stared back at him with a shocked expression before falling backwards to sit on the bed.

“I….. don’t know what to say,” he answered. “Why? Why would Sirius betray him like that?”

“I don’t know,” James answered automatically. It was really starting to bother him how this kept happening. He couldn’t seem to stop talking.

“What do we do?”

“I don’t know,” James answered again. “We wait, I suppose.”

And wait they did. The minutes stretched into hours as midnight passed and early morning came. Peter, bless his heart, tried his best to comfort James and keep him distracted with cards, games, jokes, and everything he could, but they both knew it was no use.

James' mind was too preoccupied. He hated himself for it, hated how even now when Remus was all alone and Sirius was nowhere to be found his mind kept drifting back to Regulus. Back to the pure disgust in his eyes, back to him leaving.

He didn’t even know why he had said it. He hadn’t wanted to. He had never ever planned on saying any of it aloud. Fuck, he barely acknowledged the reason himself, the last thing he had wanted to do was tell Regulus. But the words just seemed to come out.

It was just past dawn when a knock came at the door. Peter got up to answer it and James only turned from his position on the floor when he heard McGonagall's sharp voice.

“You two, come with me.”.

They obeyed, James following her down the stairs and into the corridor as she let them silently down to the hospital wing. He didn’t ask any questions. They were burning in his throat, dying to be let free, but he kept silent. His voice had caused too much trouble already.

McGonagall handed them off without a word at the entrance to the hospital to the hospital wing before turning on her heels and striding away.

“You must be gentle,” Madam Pomfrey started, placing a hand on each boy's shoulders. "He's quite unwell this morning. It was another bad one. Possibly the worst one this year.”

A stab of guilt appeared in James’ stomach. He knew why.

Sirius was sitting at Remus’ bedside when they arrived. His head hung low, hair tangled and unkempt. He looked nothing like the Sirius James had grown accustomed to.

“He’s still asleep,” Sirius told them in a low voice, though his eyes never moved from the floor, “Pomfrey gave him a sleeping draught for his injuries. I don’t know if she told him what happened.”

James nodded mutely and pulled up another chair. He had nothing to say. He just needed to be here for his friend. Friends.

No one else said anything either. They all sat quietly, staring at the lump of white that James had a hard time believing was a person. He knew that somewhere, beneath all the damage and layers of cotton was his friend but it was hard to truly see. The only recognizable thing on the bed was his brown hair, mussed and tangled as it obscured most of his face.

It was another hour until Remus stirred. Instantly they all jumped up, though none quite as fast as Sirius.

“Remus?” He asked gently, taking the boy's hand. “Can you hear us?”

Through thick white bandages, Remus twitched his fingers and let out a small groan.

“Remus?” James asked this time, stepping forwards. He couldn’t shake the feeling of intense guilt burrowing within his stomach.

“Go away,” came the muffled reply, tinged with such hatred that James physically recoiled.

“Moony-“ Sirius started but he was interrupted just as quickly.

The mass of white moved abruptly, shooting up from the bed in a way that had to have been painful. “Get the fuck out! I don’t want to see you!” Remus screamed, and for the first time that morning, James got a glimpse of the injuries from last night.

His old scar had reopened, turning what used to be a thin white line into an angry red slash across his face. Both eyes were bruised badly, ringing the whites with purple and red and his lip was split directly down the middle. James tried hard to stay quiet. It was by far the worst shape that he had ever seen Remus in. He could scarcely imagine what the rest of him looked like if that was only his face.

“Boys, maybe it’s best if you let him get some rest,” Pomfrey said in her soft voice, appearing from behind them.

“No. I’m not leaving,” Sirius interrupted.

“God, you just don’t get it,” Remus muttered, facing away from them now, “this is your fault. It’s always your fault Sirius. Everywhere you go you just fuck it all up all the time.” Sirius recoiled as if he had been slapped but Remus wasn’t done. “And now you’ve fucked it all up again. I’m done. We’re done. Just go away. I’m tired.”

He leaned back against the cotton sheets as if all his energy had been sapped. Sirius opened his mouth once more but shut it quietly when he saw Madam Pomfrey standing there. He was the first to get up and follow her instructions though his posture betrayed a deep sense of defeat.

“He’ll come around, don’t you worry,” Pomfrey chirped as she ushered them out, “ and anyways, Dumbledore wants to see you both in his office.”

“Both?” Peter asked, wringing his hands together.

“Just James and Sirius. Why don’t you go get a spot of breakfast in the meantime Peter, hmm?”

Peter nodded tentatively but his gaze shot instantly to James for reassurance. James blinked back at him and the boy started off, leaving Sirius and James to their respective fates.

—-----

Dumbledore was very quiet when James and Sirius entered his office. He sat silently at the desk, hands folded and lips pursed.

With an air of quiet authority he waved one wrinkled hand at the chairs set out before them. The chairs pulled themselves away from his desk with Dumbledore’s motion, as if inviting the boys to take a seat. James dutifully sat down beside Sirius, dread coursing through his veins.

“We have quite a conundrum on our hands today,” Dumledore said with a slight smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Mister Black. Mister Potter. I need not remind you of the events that took place in the evening of yesterday. I’m sure we are all quite ready for it to be dealt with.”

He paused for a moment and James was unsure whether he was supposed to answer. Dumbledore hadn’t asked a question exactly but he was looking at them like he wanted them to say something.

“Yes sir,” Sirius muttered, sounding utterly exhausted and defeated. James nodded alongside him.

“Very well. As you well know, this is not the first incident that had taken place between you and Mister Snape this year. I have an inkling that it might not be the last either.” He waved one wrinkled hand dismissively. “I have no such desire to involve myself in schoolyard spats. There are more important matters at hand than dealing with squabbling children. You must know however, that this event goes beyond schoolyard dealings. It is a matter I take with grave importance.”

Dumbledore straightened his glasses slightly and looked around slowly before continuing, his eyes revealing a faraway look.

“I had a student once that was much like you, Mister Black. Those days I was not the man I am now. I was not even

Headmaster at the time. But I remember him. Confident, charming, arrogant, and dare I say, dangerous. He, too, believed he was better than the rest of his schoolmates, and I recall having a conversation with him, much like this one, many times. He never listened, of course; hubris is a powerful drug. And mixed with power, it can become a very dangerous concoction. I do not need to tell you where that boy is now.”

With a start, James realized he must be talking about Voldemort.

“I tell you this now as a warning. These are dark times we are in. Someday you may grow to rely on those relationships you make now. I would think it prudent to not burn your bridges before you may cross them.”

He paused to let the words sink in and then got up from his chair. “You are dismissed, Mister Black. Return to your dorm to collect your things. I have arranged an early exit from Hogwarts for you and Mister Potter this year. I think it would be wise to allow Mister Snape some time to himself.”

Sirius got up and made his way to the exit, James was just about to follow him when Dumbledore spoke again. “Mister Potter, a word?”

Slowly, Dumbledore crossed from behind his desk and scanned the room. “Many people would not do as you have done. Severus’ life was saved by you. That is not a thing that is forgotten lightly. You would do well to remember that in the coming years.”

James nodded. He doubted very much that Severus would care at all, but he figured that disagreeing with the Headmaster was more trouble than it was worth.

“Love is a powerful thing, Mister Potter. But hate can be stronger. We must all choose which side our allegiances lie at some point.”

James nodded again though he hadn’t the faintest idea as to what that meant. The sleepless night was catching up with his addled mind.

“Sir? Will Sirius be allowed back next year?” He asked finally, his heart pounding as he awaited the fate of his best friend. Dumbelodore took a moment to ponder this silently while James stood motionless, afraid to even breathe.

“He will,” Dumbledore finally answered. “One more incident like this though, and I will be forced to re-think my decision. You are dismissed now James. Go and collect your things.”

A weight lifted from his heart, James obeyed, thanking the Headmaster before leaving and closing the thick wood door behind him. It wasn’t until he was halfway down the stairs that he remembered Regulus and the feeling of pure despair returned.

————

It wasn’t hard to find Snape that day.

Regulus had often seen him lurking in the back corners of the library; it was a place he frequented as well. And with the school year being over no one had much use of it, everyone else was out enjoying the fresh air and spending time with their friends before summer holidays.

It was the perfect place to hide, and Regulus knew Snape would be hiding after the events of last night.

“Busy day?” He quipped, sliding into the seat beside Snape as the older boy snapped his head up to glare at him.

“Fuck off Black,” he retorted before continuing to scratch away at a piece of parchment.

“Don’t think I will actually,” he snatched up the parchment as Snape dipped his quill into the ink pot. “What are you writing here?”

Scanning the page, Regulus found the truth of it. It was a nasty bit of mail directed to the Daily Prophet detailing the events of the previous evening and perhaps even embellishing them slightly.

“You’re not sending this.”

Snape gaped at him. “And just what makes you think you can stop me?”

“I know you gave them Veritaserum. That’s illegal, as you well know. See, I’d been mulling it over all night. Why would Sirius give up his friend to you so easily? He wouldn’t. Not unless there was a powerful truth serum coursing through his veins. And I just so happen to know someone who was brewing that exact potion.”

There was a sense of satisfaction as he spoke and Snape's face grew paler. Regulus knew he had hit the truth.

“So,” he continued, “here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m going to take this and dispose of it and you are going to keep your mouth shut about everything that happened. You’re not going to tell anyone about Remus, you’re not going to contact the Daily Prophet or any other news source, and you’re most certainly not going to use Veritaserum on James ever again.”

“James?” Snape spat, his eyebrows flicking upwards with confusion.

“Or Sirius,” Regulus covered. He was here for Sirius, not James. He couldn’t care less about James, that disgusting, traitorous…… never mind. He wasn’t worth the space in Regulus’ mind.

“Why do you even care? None of this affects you. Everyone knows Sirius hates you now; why do him any favors?”

Biting back a scathing remark, Regulus swallowed. “My reasons are my own. None of your business.”

“Well…..it kinda is. You made it my business by coming here.”

So they were at a stalemate then. Unconsciously, Regulus began to trace the thin white scar on his hand. He hated giving up information, but it seemed to be the only way forward. For a second he wondered why he was even doing this but once more the image of Sirius lying unconscious on the white carpeted library flooded his mind. He owed him this much at least.

“He’s my brother,” Regulus said simply, his voice quiet and deadly “ and you have no choice. “ He leaned in closer. “If you air so much as a word about this to anyone, I’ll show you, in detail, exactly what happened to Sirius over Christmas break. Would you like that?”

Snape held his gaze for a long time before spitting out a reluctant agreement. “Fine. But they have no fucking idea what’s coming next year. I’m not letting this go.”

“Fine by me,” Regulus shrugged. He stood up and folded the piece of parchment neatly into a square before setting it alight on the wooden table. A thin curl of smoke rose from the flames, filling the air with the scent of fire as Regulus walked away.

————

Monday, June 14

The last day at Hogwarts was always bittersweet, but Regulus would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited to leave as he waited on the steps of the train station.

He missed his home. The dark walls, the silence, the scent of lemon cleaning products and Kreacher’s gravelly tones.

Oh how he missed Kreacher.

But most of all he needed to get away from James. After what happened last night he couldn’t wait to leave. Regulus felt as thought his skin was crawling with an invisible layer of filth by just having been around him. He had spent almost three hours in the shower last night, scrubbing desperately to rid himself of the shame.

How had he ever considered James a friend? How had he not noticed? How had he allowed himself to become close with someone like that?

It was vile. Absolutely disgusting and wrong.

Besides James though, the year hadn’t been all bad. There were some things about Hogwarts he would miss, perhaps more so than previous years. Walburga didn’t allow him to garden at home, even though they had a rather beautiful one in their backyard. The elves tended to it instead, as she thought it was too feminine of a hobby for a boy. He really was going to miss the feeling of dirt and the earthy, warm smell of the Hogwarts greenhouses.

The feeling of loss deepened as the train pulled into the station and everyone boarded with their trunks. It was the end of something. The end of many things, really.

“Regulus.” A warm hand pressed lightly on his shoulder and he snapped from his stupor to see Pandora waiting with her kind smile. Barty and Evan had already boarded the train.

“Sorry,” he muttered, grabbing up his trunk and stepping into the car.

They joined up with Barty and Evan just as the train lurched forward. Already Evan was pulling a pack of cigarettes from his robes while Barty cracked the window.

“Eight left then? Easy work,” he was saying. Presumably talking about cigarettes. Barty wasn’t allowed to smoke at home. Regulus figured he was going to have a killer headache by the time he reached the station. The smoke never agreed with him.

The time passed quickly once they got going. Him and Pandora chatted quietly about the year, reminiscing on times in the greenhouse, though she brought up James a few too many times for his liking. He tried his best to ignore it.

Barty and Evan continued chain-smoking and even pulled out the infamous pack of playing cards, though they were so badly worn from the months of use that most of the letterings had faded off and they had to squint to read them.

His head was pounding furiously when the final whistle blew to signal they had arrived back at Kings Cross.

“Be careful this summer, yeah?” Pandora asked once they had all disembarked and were standing on the platform.

Regulus nodded. “Write to me. Let me know all about the bugs and stuff, okay?”

“I will.” Then, for the second time that year, she pulled him into a tight hug. He allowed it for a moment before gently pulling away, offering a slight nod to Evan and Barty before disappearing into the crowd of loitering students.

Regulus had never been one for goodbyes. Far too much emotion for the public eye. He was a Black after all, and he was far above such trivial things.

Besides, he simply couldn’t wait to get home.

Chapter Text

July 

Pandora loved butterflies. She could watch them for hours. The way their wings fluttered and glimmered, their lithe bodies, the way they danced through the air. It was intriguing, almost hypnotizing.

There was one in front of her now, its small blue wings curled slightly and frayed at the edges like ripped fabric. She couldn’t take her eyes off it.

It would die soon. She knew that. A butterfly that cannot fly is sealed in its fate. Yet it was still beautiful. Speckled with blood, crimson dots spread across the vibrant blue. It seemed to be screaming. If she could hear anything she was sure it would be screaming.

All around her the world exploded.

Smoke rose from the ashes of buildings blown apart into rubble, dust flickered about silently as faceless people ran through the broken streets.

And Pandora watched the butterfly.

How did it get here, she wondered. Here, among the carnage, among the endless eternity of concrete and fire? Maybe it had been someone's pet, doted on and loved until the end of the world came to its doorstep?

Maybe.

She stared at the lithe thing struggle, permanently fixed to the block of concrete that would become its grave and found solace in the one thing of beauty that transcended through her vision.

Then, suddenly, she felt a small hand be placed upon her wrist. It was warm, so warm and slick with more blood. It left a trail on her skin as the child touched her and looked up with deep, innocent eyes.

She stared back for a moment, their eyes locking in a way that seemed to mean so much and so little at the same time. Silently, the child mouthed a word and Pandora awoke in her tent, forehead beaded with sweat as the moonlight shone in through the endless forest.

————

Sunday, September 5

I don’t blame you if you hate me.

I know what happened was wrong. I know you’re not like that and really I don’t think I fully am either. I don’t have any excuse for what happened. I wish I did. I wish I could take it all back and we could go back to the way things were before.

I miss you Regulus. I’ve missed you all summer. I know I won’t get a reply, I know you enough to see that you won’t dignify this with an answer. I don’t expect one now.

I just want to talk. Maybe when we get back to school can we talk? Please?

James Potter

Regulus stared down at the parchment, his eyes scanning the hastily scrawled letter even though he’d had the whole thing memorized for weeks.

Two months ago the letter had arrived by owl in the middle of the night, the stupid bird screeched and flapped at his window until he crawled out of bed to let it in. Of course it was from James. Of course it was.

No one else ever wrote to him apart from Pandora and her owl was a beautiful silvery white thing, not a loud, burly brown owl.

Regulus really wished he had just left it. He had hoped the months apart would make the distance easier but it didn’t. He missed James too. Not in that way, of course, Regulus wasn’t queer, but despite his anger he found that he missed the companionship. Grimmauld Place was lonely. He had thought he was used to solitude by now but if anything the last year at Hogwarts had made it harder to be home.

He missed being around people that understood him even though there were so few of them. It hadn’t been like this in the previous summers. Before he had had Sirius and even when he didn’t, he didn’t truly understand what he was missing. He understood it now though.

People need people and in Grimmauld place Regulus had no one.

The letter was crinkled in his hand. He wasn’t even sure why he kept it. Nothing could change what had happened. No amount of letters or pleading could undo it.

Regulus had made up his mind months ago at the start of the holidays. He was done with James Potter. Everything else that had happened over the summer only solidified that.

And yet the letter sat folded neatly under his pillow every night like a permanent reminder of everything that was wrong.

Not anymore. He was burning it tonight. It was set to go up in flames with the rest of his muggle books. He couldn’t bring any of it to Hogwarts and keeping it here would mean it was sure to be discovered.

It was just past midnight when Regulus finally set the letter alight. He felt an acute pang of loss as the dry parchment twisted and curled in the heat, illuminating his packed trunk and pristine robes sitting at the base of his bed, ready for tomorrow's journey.

Everything was prepared. Everything was clean and tidied and ready to go. Everything but Regulus.

His mind was stronger now, fortified by the months of Occlumency sessions with Bellatrix. He had gotten quite good at blocking everything out, constructing thick walls in his mind and closing the doors in that dark hallway.

Bellatrix made damn sure of that.

Nothing was perfect though. And when it came to James Potter, that door had a habit of creaking open when Regulus was alone.

The moon shone lightly through his window as the hours ticked by slowly. Regulus couldn’t sleep. Not properly anyways. Ever since becoming an Animagus he found sleeping in human form to be a dreadful experience.

Over the summer he had worked out a system with Kreacher. The elf would wake him up half an hour early to ensure no one found out about his sleeping arrangement. It worked perfectly and Regulus trusted Kreacher with his life. He knew with absolute certainty that the elf would never betray him.

Today though he couldn’t risk it. The following morning was sure to be a flurry of activity and none of Walburga or Orions elves ever respected his space. The risk that one of them might come in before Kreacher was too great a chance to take.

He watched the stars instead, tucked into the tiny windowsill, his head resting against the cool glass. It felt like days that he sat there, practicing his occlumency for tomorrow and watched as the stars eventually gave way to morning.

————

Monday, September 6

James hated this part. Goodbyes had never been his strong suit.

It was the same routine every year. That same mixture of anxiety, exhilaration and sadness. Maybe a bit more this year.

He never should have sent that letter. It was a stupid idea, a stupid, stupid idea fueled by drunken stupidity and nostalgia. But what was he supposed to do? Send another letter detailing that?

No. He had to leave it.

Really it wasn’t even the contents of the letter, he had meant every part of that. It was the way he wrote it. It definitely could have been worded better. He still cringes at the thought of it, the messy, hurried words, the pleading. Ugh.

There was a fly trapped in the car, its lazy buzzing soft and irritating. James’ parents had an old station wagon painted a chipper blue. ‘To fit in with the muggle community’ they said. James knew it was really only because Fleamont loved driving it. The muggle community in question generally avoided the Potter household.

While their house was set on the outskirts of the muggle village James knew there were rumours about them. It didn’t bother him so much but Euphemia wasn’t particularly pleased with the situation. She loved community, muggle and wizards alike and being seen as an outcast by the former had always been a bit of a sore spot with her. Especially since she retired.

The fly landed lazily on James' window and he swatted it away with one hand. The scenic countryside whizzed by, eventually giving way to the crowded streets of London as they neared their destination.

Was he going to see Regulus at Kings Cross?

What would be worse, seeing him or not seeing him? James didn’t know. His intestines tied themselves into tight knots as the car slowed to a stop and Fleamont pulled the car into a parking space.

He wasn’t the only one who was nervous. The energy in the air was strange, a sparking thickness filled with both James and Sirius’s hesitance to return to the scene of the crime.

Sirius had been dreading it for weeks, seeing Remus again. He had sent letters of course, they both had, but all of them had been returned unopened. Remus was still angry. Obviously he was still angry.

James knew well enough how awful Sirius felt about it all. Regret doesn’t excuse the punishment though.

The nervous air carried through the train station all the way onto the platform. Sirius was silent, his usual confidence vanished and replaced by a quiet, jumpy energy.

“Okay?” James asked as the crowd filled around them and pressed in on all sides. Sirius nodded back, a tight movement that portrayed the opposite of what he had intended.

It wasn’t long until James spotted him. Remus had always been the tallest of the group but seeing him through the crowd he looked like he had grown even more during the summer.

“James?” His mother questioned, putting one hand on his shoulder. With a start he realized he had stopped in the middle of the platform.

“Sorry mum,” he beamed, shoving his feelings down deep. He didn’t need to hide them from her but now wasn’t really the time or place.

Their goodbyes went smoothly. Euphemia only cried a little bit, which was really quite an achievement for her, and Fleamont ushered her away soon after, placing a thick arm over her shoulder.

It wasn’t long until him and Sirius were alone again, walking through the quieter passages of the train. It was odd. For the first time since first year they didn’t know where to go.

“Here?” Sirius asked, opening the door to an empty compartment. James nodded silently. It was weird not to be sitting with Remus.

He wondered whether Peter would come sit with them. They’d exchanged a few letters over the summer but nothing involving what had happened at the end of last year. Peter never brought it up and James really just didn’t want to talk about it. He still didn’t.

If he talked about it he would have to admit that he was angry too. He was angry that Sirius had sold Remus out, he was angry that their entire friendship had blown up overnight. He was angry that he automatically had to take Sirius’ side because they lived together. Really he was fucking pissed.

Of course he still loved Sirius. There was nothing in the world that could break their bond but at the same time he held a glimmer of resentment deep in his chest. And that same glaring question. The one he was starting to worry he would never find the answer for. Not for everything at least.

Why?

Why did Sirius do what he did? Why did Regulus not feel the same way about him? Why was there a war? Why was nothing ever fucking right? Why was he born in a time where loving who he wanted to was wrong?

It didn’t matter. Everything was fine.

James was just tired.

————

Regulus almost didn’t recognize Pandora when she opened the train compartment and took a seat on the faded cloth seats. Her usually straight blond hair was weaved into dozens of intricate braids tied up on top of her head with a bright blue ribbon and she was wearing muggle clothes.

It wasn’t abnormal, in fact most students preferred to change into their robes on the train. Not Regulus, he liked things neat and compartmentalized but that wasn’t what shocked him.

What made him do a second, then third take was the boy she had with her. He was pale, almost abnormally so, with a full head of hair that matched the milky tinge of his skin. He was tall and held himself in a way that seemed to ooze indifference as Pandora smiled hugely and plopped down in the seat opposite him.

“Regulus, meet Xenophilius,” she said excitedly, pulling the boy down into her seat. Xenophilius extended one hand out and Regulus took it, shaking it once so as not to be impolite before pulling away.

“Xeno, please. The rest is quite a mouthful,” he said quietly, his voice soft and kind.

Regulus nodded, unsure of quite what to say. Usually the creatures Pandora took in were not human.

“I met him during the summer! He was in that program with me and then we found out that we both went to Hogwarts so I said I had to introduce him to you,” she chattered excitedly, one arm weaved into his.

Regulus eyed their intertwined hands for a moment before finally realizing what was going on. Pandora had a boyfriend. Even worse, she was expecting them to get along.

“Fascinating,” he replied without an ounce of emotion. He cared for Pandora, not her strange new obsession.

Thankfully the arrival of Barty and Evan provided an interruption to their conversation, or lack thereof.

“I’m getting utterly tossed tonight,” Evan sighed as he flopped onto Regulus’ bench. On instinct he pressed closer to the window.

Pandora frowned while Xenophilius smirked to himself. Regulus hated him already.

“What else is new then,” Barty asked, taking a seat beside Evan as the train lurched to a crawl. He looked good. Better than he had at this time last year. His eyes had that usual glossy coating they generally had after holidays but he seemed to be less faraway this time compared to last year. Maybe Crouch Sr. had gone easier on Barty this summer?

“Why nothing, Bartemius, just glad to see my old friends and even more glad to have procured some fine liquor for our evening,” Evan replied in a posh accent.

This was a running joke between them, had been for ages. Regulus wasn’t even sure when or why it started but he always found it a bit amusing to watch the two of them chat back and forth like rich old men, pretending to push up their non-existent spectacles.

Not today though. Today he just found it over the top and irritating.

As the train picked up speed he watched out the window. The brown hues of the city started flying by, blurring into one long, monotonous streak. He began to feel slightly queasy. It only worsened when Evan pulled out a small carton of cigarettes and lit one up.

“Did you check for Ploffins?” Xenophilius asked quietly as Evan passed the lit cylinder to Barty.

The entire cart went silent and stared at the boy, confused. With the exception of Pandora, of course, who instead looked like she had just fallen into space. Regulus could practically see the stars in her eyes.

It was too much. With the smoke filling his lungs and the new conversation of Ploffins he had to get out.

Barely uttering an excuse he made for the exit, not stopping at Pandora's question of where he was going. He didn’t even know himself. Out of this compartment at least.

The halls of the train were quiet.

Regulus walked down them slowly, looking for any compartment that was empty where he could sit and not think for a moment.

He didn’t find one. The only compartment with less than two people was at the back of the train. He had thought it was empty at first until he saw a tall, familiar boy curled into the corner. Suppressing a sigh he pulled the door open and stepped in. Far as he knew Remus was the quiet one. And it didn’t look like his friends were coming around anytime soon.

Remus looked up at him with distaste as he sat down but made no move to leave or even say anything. That was just fine with him.

The moments passed by slowly, a soft clanking of the engine filling the silence. They appeared to have entered into an uneasy truce. Neither boy talked or looked at each other, they both just stared out their respective windows and watched the countryside whizz past.

“Why aren’t you with your friends?” Remus finally asked, breaking the silence.

“Why aren’t you?” Regulus shot back, wishing they could just not talk.

“Nevermind,” Remus spat bitterly, “I just realized I actually don’t care.”

“Funny, Sirius had always said you were the nice one,” Regulus mused, his voice a bored drawl, “I guess not. Or maybe it’s just been one too many full moons?”

The effect was instantaneous. Remus’ eyes shot open wide and for a moment he almost looked scared. “Does everyone know?”

Regulus actually laughed at that. “Of course not. You think Dumbledore would let an outed werewolf into his school? I bet the only reason you’re even enrolled here still is because he thinks he can keep it under wraps.”

“How-“

“I’ve known for years. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out and you’re really shit at hiding it.”

Regulus could see Remus’ jaw clench slightly though he said nothing in return.

“I don’t care,” Regulus continued, wishing he had a book to pull out or something else to do than continue this pointless conversation. “You and your friends are the least interesting thing in Hogwarts, though you seem to think the opposite. I’m not about to give you all the attention you so desperately crave.”

“They’re not my friends,” Remus blurted out, “not anymore.”

Regulus stared at him for a second before yawning theatrically. “Go tell it to someone who cares.”

“You’re the one who sat here,” Remus pointed out.

Fair play. Regulus had to give him that. “Only because I needed some quiet. Don’t think this means we’re about to start skipping around the castle together and braiding each-other’s hair. As soon as the train stops I’m gone.”

“Fine.”

Good. Regulus rolled his eyes and turned back to the window. How had Sirius ever been friends with this moody fucker?

————

It was strange being back at Hogwarts. There was a certain unease James felt that was different than the previous years.

It wasn’t just the problems with Remus or even Regulus. Something else had changed too. He had noticed it a bit on the platform but here, in the Great Hall with the whole school together he was finally able to put a name to it.

The students were more subdued than previous years. In other years the first night back at Hogwarts had always been a celebration. When before, the Houses on the first night had always been indistinguishable, now they were segregated. Each table was easily identifiable, their hostile glares at the others a stark contrast to the usually merry atmosphere.

Slytherin was the worst. If he didn’t know better he would have thought that some of the expressions coming from the students were downright murderous.

It made him uneasy.

As he and Sirius made their way to the Gryffindor table, James found his gaze wandering back to the rows of green again and again. He kept scanning them, looking for that one familiar head.

They were just sitting down when he found it.

He was taller. It was the first thing James noticed, Regulus seemed to have grown a couple inches over the holidays and James was almost convinced they would be the same height now. The second thing he noticed was how impassive his face was.

It had always been that way before but now it seemed even more hardened. There wasn’t a single trace of any emotion present and if James hadn’t seen him breathing he would truly assume the boy was just a well-made wax statue.

The sight of him almost took James’ breath away. It had been so long and yet seeing him now felt as though nothing had changed. He still felt like he knew the person under the mask and just that simple thought brought him a slight bit of peace.

Until Regulus turned and locked eyes with him, even through the tables and space between them James recognized it. Hatred. It was less than a fraction of a second, barely long enough for James to realize Regulus was looking at him but the emotion was unmistakable.

It hurt. Probably more than it should have.

James felt like he had been slapped. Realistically he knew Regulus disliked him. There was a reason his letter had gone unanswered.

Maybe a small part of him had been holding onto hope that things would just go back to normal once they were back in school but he knew the truth now. It was a sobering slap back to reality.

“You okay?” Sirius asked from beside him.

“Yeah, just……” James sighed, “I’m going back to the dorms.”

“I’ll come with you.”

James nodded, though he really just wanted to be alone.

As they made their way out of the hall, he shot one last look at the Slytherin table where Regulus was still sitting, that same rigid expression on his face, though he wasn’t staring at James anymore.

————

Regulus still felt slightly sick as he got ready for bed that night. Seeing James in the hall had put him off his dinner completely and he had left early to take a hot shower and get some sleep.

The searing heat of the hot water grounded him slightly but it did nothing to assuage his anger and as he looked at his blurry reflection in the foggy mirror he felt a fresh surge of hatred towards James.

It was his fault. All his fucking fault.

Through the hazy film of condensation on the shiny reflective surface Regulus could almost imagine he was still perfect. The blurred white of his skin staring back seemed unmarred again.

He knew it wasn’t. He knew it never would be again. Magic left scars and nothing could fade those away. There were glamours, sure. But Regulus knew they were there. He knew he was tainted now, permanently disfigured by the stain of what James had done.

Bellatrix found that memory easily. It was too hard to hide, especially from her. He could still hear her maniacal laugh as she reviewed that night in his mind before abruptly pulling away and whipping out her wand.

Apparently it was a Black family trait, using physical punishment.

Regulus had never been on the receiving end of it before. That had always been Sirius. He knew what to felt like now though. The stinging white pain as some invisible force ripped through unblemished skin, the red warmth as blood seeped over and stained into his shirt, a sign of his impurity.

Bellatrix hadn’t cared that he had wanted no part of it. He was guilty by association. He was guilty for being friends with someone like that.

It was twice now that James had scarred him. And Regulus hated him for it.