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Chapter Text

Cole Harbour is a small town. It’s easy for native Halifax residents to wave it off as being “just a municipality of Halifax” due to the proximity of the two cities. No one paid it much mind. Picturesque, peaceful, staunchly Canadian and community focused, Cole Harbour continued to fly under the radar of the nation. “The best kept secret of the East Coast” proud locals boasted.

Then a young man started to turn heads in 2003. Chatter grew and culminated in 2005 with the NHL Draft, earning the dark-haired 18 year old first overall pick with the Pittsburgh Penguins. “Sid the Kid” started to be thrown around and a microscope was turned to his life. His hometown, friends, former teammates, coaches, previous education, stats, even the equipment he used was discussed by sports broadcasters all over Canada and the United States. “Bright” and “promising” future were being exalted by critics. No one could argue that he had drive and a brain for the game.

Cole Harbour remained peaceful, but it teetered on the edge of sensationalism the more goals were scored in Pittsburgh. If native Cole Harbourians were not paying attention to hockey before, they certainly were now.

X

Nathan was lacing his skates when Andy O’Brien walks by in his signature training outfit, ball cap and clip board. He’s distracted, glancing at his phone and back to the clipboard quickly. His skates are already on.

“Oh, by the way, Sid might show up today. He has to drop something off before his training tomorrow.” and he disappears down the tunnels towards the ice. Nate freezes.

This was a possibility of course. Training in the same rink with the same trainer as Sidney Crosby - Nate’s stupid but not an idiot. He knew this might happen. He just hoped it wasn’t this soon.

His dad, Graham, waddles up in his skates takes one look at Nate and huffs. “Nate let’s go, we have 2 hours before we - Jesus, what’s up? You’re whiter than Uncle Charlie’s ass cheeks.”

Nate’s brain goes into overwork mode. The familiar anxiety and rush in his ears is expected. But he can do this. Sid’s just a guy. He snaps to attention and pushes everything down. He can do this.

He laces his skates.

X

The drills are easier today, simple round the net handling, back to the blue line, rush, odd angle shots almost right to the crease, rinse and repeat. There are variations that Andy throws in, but for the most part it’s a cake walk for Nathan.

His dad is leisurely skating around the other end and occasionally chatting with Andy. Nate supposes he’s here for more emotional support than anything.

He’s hyper vigilant of the sound of the door. There are the rink staff moving in and out so it’s difficult to tell who is coming and going.

Andy calls for a variation of the drill almost the same time the door opens. Without even seeing who it is, Nate just knows it’s Sid. The atmosphere just seems to change, compressing on Nate’s lungs even in the vast expanse of the empty rink. He hunkers down, skating arguably faster than he has in his life for a variation of a simple line drill.

His dad skates over to Andy. He can just barely make out voices beyond the wind whistling in his ears and the over-loud sound of his skates. Despite his straining, he cannot hear what they are saying.

Take the puck, rush deep, odd angle shot, retrieve, control, rush deep, odd angle -

His breath is starting to burn in his lungs. His stick feels too small in his hands, like he’s never held a goddamn hockey stick before. He can hear them laugh about something.

Control, rush, odd angle, retrieve.

Repeat.

Rush, angle.

Again. Get a better shot.

Nate’s legs are now joining in on the protesting. He cannot keep this up.

Rush, angle -

“Jesus! Nate! For Christ's sake - stop!”

Nate almost collapses on the ice. He finally looks up to where Andy yelled out.

The three men are gathered off the ice against the boards near the Home team entrance.

The far left man standing with Andy and his dad has an unblinking stare that Nate tries to match with some semblance of dignity, despite his lungs feeling like they are on fire and his knees shaking. He’s hyper aware he’s sweating profusely and there are black spots at the corner of his vision.

Impossibly, Sidney Crosby smiles at him.

Nate stares for a half second more before he has to look away. He drifts closer to the group but not so close that his ragged pants are off-putting for anyone.

Andy laughs and his dad and Sid join in.

“Sorry Nate, was just chatting, forgot I gave you that drill before we got carried away. Nate, this is Sidney, Sidney, this is Nathan MacKinnon.”

Sid turns his grin back to Nate and by reflex, Nate reciprocates. A bead of sweat is dripping off of his nose.

“Nice work, man. Sorry I distracted them.”

With bravado Nate doesn’t really feel he brushes it off. “All good, I need the practice so.”

It has the desired effect, Sid laughs.

“You looked pretty good out there, I’m sure nearly killing yourself wouldn’t make your game any better.”

Nate flushes with the compliment, he can feel it in his ears. Sid continues to stare at him. Nate has to look down at the ice.

Andy pipes in with what they had been running this morning and Sid nods along. Nate catches a glimpse of what their training is like, more of an equal partnership than what Nate has with Andy. It makes sense. Sid’s better. Has more experience. Sid makes a suggestion and Andy considers it.

It hits him rather abruptly. That’s Sidney fucking Crosby. Just chatting with his dad and his trainer like it’s nothing. Like he isn’t a walking god among men. Ted Lindsay winner. Olympic Champion. Leading points for multiple entire NHL seasons. Talking about Nate’s training.

He’s shorter than Nate thought he would be.

Nate’s dad leans across the boards and studies him. “You okay?” he mutters.

“Yeah” Nate clears his throat. He’s still breathing heavily and the rush in his ears is back. He finds he can’t look at Sid longer than a few seconds.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

X

An irrational thought that his sweaty palms were going to slip in the railing flashes into Nathan’s head. What if they left a sweat mark? Would the cameras get it? How does he walk again? What does his normal walk look like?

The camera flashes were blinding and he was hyper aware of the camera crews following close behind him as he shook a few men’s hands that he didn’t know before approaching the stage. The men whose hands he shook probably were disgusted by how wet his hands were. He couldn’t find it in him to care. An aid comes by and requests he take his stifling suit jacket off. Of course. Right. He shrugs it off and it is whisked away. Probably back to his crying mom, aggressively proud dad and sister Sarah who he just embraced moments ago.

A few steps up, keeping the palms away from the cool metal, and the stage lights hit him with heat and a brilliance that leave his retinas sore. More hands to shake - the sweat from his palms all but gone by the last man. Someone hands him the Colorado Avalanche jersey and hat. He is aware of cheers and chants that he can’t quite make out.

Then there is the interview with Sakic in which Nate doesn’t remember much of what he said even as he is saying it. The huge crowd of the 2013 NHL Draft behind him start another chant. This time, Nate can make it out.

“Crosby is better. Crosby is better. Crosby is better.”

A nervous joke, an even more nervous laugh and that’s it. It’s done.

Later that evening the one thing that Nate remembers most is his dad in his ear as soon as his name was read. Nate was still missing words due to the roar of the crowd despite his proximity, “Proud - good. Your life - change.”

X

Prince Edward Island for Canada Day is apparently a Sidney and Andy tradition. They go to train on the long weekend.

The MacKinnons are nothing if not well oiled machines. Even though Sarah and his mom are going to stay home, everyone contributes in a way that Nate can’t express into words how grateful he is. Sarah organizes everyone, mom makes the food, his dad packs the equipment and luggage and Nate is in charge of everything else. Which isn’t much. Especially this year.

The 2013 Draft night comes back to him in snippets of memory, despite it literally happening 5 days ago. He has rewatched his interview and it was like he was watching it for the first time. He has no recollection of anything he said. He doesn’t recognize himself on the screen.

Nate’s been a few times to PEI since he grew up luckily enough only a few hours away. PEI is always beautiful, but down on the beach it is breathtaking. The waves are clear and loud. The sky is endlessly blue.

With the wind and the sun and the Anne of Green Gables of it all, Nate feels like he could touch the sky. The wind ruffles his hair as his dad sets up camp on the beach for the day. Andy is supposed to be joining them in the afternoon. Now that Nate’s drafted, training has been adjusted to ramp up even more. More analytics, more training, more skating. Looking at his schedule for the summer looks like a military academy.

He is thriving. Hockey is about the only thing that Nate can do, and he’s damn good at it. Hockey is also the only thing that shuts his loud brain up and the world seems to stop. It’s cliché as hell but there is no other way to describe it.

His future is set. But he’s seen it hundreds of times in the NHL and the mantra sticks with him. “It’s easy to get there, but harder to stay”. He has to be better. He has to train harder. He has to stay in the NHL. And if that means training on the Canada Day long weekend, so be it.

He plays a bit in the surf trying (and failing) to body surf. His dad watches him carefully. Nate’s a good swimmer, always has been, but he cannot get injured now. His ass is officially owned by the Avalanche. There was paperwork and everything.

He decides that stressing his dad out isn’t a great move so he comes back to the beach and flops on to his towel. Despite the wind, the sun and the sand is warm.

Without intending to, he dozes off. He is slightly aware of his dad crushing Pabst Blues in his lawn chair but not much else. He is dreaming about birds on the beach when a toe pokes him in the side. Nate cracks open an eyelid only to see Sidney Crosby’s grinning face looking down at him. Nate jumps about a mile into the air.

“Jesus, fuck!”

Sid’s laughter is absolutely ridiculous. He honks like a goose, his grin almost too big for his face, his nose scrunched as he backs away.

Nate’s dad scolds him for the language and says something about how Sid “their guest” wouldn’t appreciate the curse word. Nate can’t imagine his dad has ever heard what the inside of a men’s NHL hockey locker room sounds like and is fairly confident Sid can cope.

“Sorry man, you scared the shit out of me” Nate gasps as he valiantly tries to calm his racing heart (he gets scolded again by his dad for language with a hissed “ Nathan MacKinnon”).

“All good man, sorry I couldn’t resist” Sid laughs and stuffs his hands in the pockets of his blue shorts. Sid hair is windswept, his grin is loose and easy. Nate is hyper aware of a zit he got this morning on his chin and the fact that he doesn’t have his shirt on.

Andy yells from across the sand to “get their asses over here” and Nate scrambles for his shirt. It will likely come off during the workout but something about Sid makes Nate feel exposed.

Sid waits for him to stuff his head through his worn Cole Harbour Red Wings shirt before they jog over to Andy. Cones are set up in the sand and Andy is shuffling them around.

Andy (armed with a clipboard of course) goes over the drills and Nate chances a glance at Sid. He looks confident, relaxed. His warm brown eyes tracking the drill outlines with an underlying intelligence. Nate remembers announcers slightly chirping Sid over the years on how he has one of the highest hockey IQs in the league and how he hates to lose. “Obsessive” was their wording which Nate thought was a bit unfair. “Passionate” suited him more.

The whistle blows and the drills start. It’s a typical dry land drill focusing on quick feet, changing direction quicker than your opponent. There are several variations and as the hour and a half wears on, Nate is losing confidence.

Sid is an animal. Reflexes so fast it’s dizzying and even in the sand he beats Nate every single time.

Usually around this point Nate would be grinding his teeth, maybe even spitting some choice words, but it’s Sid. Of course he’s better. Nate feels his body struggling to keep up, to match him and to do better.

If Sid can drive him to be better, then Sid is exactly what Nate needs.

Nate buckles down. He focuses.

The end of the session finishes with 10 hill sprints up a sandy dune. The dune is not insignificant and Nate eyes it with trepidation.  The sun on their backs blazes down on them, the wind somehow making it seem hotter than it is. Sid pulls his shirt off over his head and Nate looks away. He keeps his shirt on.

The first whistle Andy blows and Sid is off like a shot. Easily outpacing Nate and scrambling to the top of the dune. The requirement is to finish the sprint no matter what so Nate thunders along after him, clearly the loser.

The second, third, fourth, fifth all result in the same conclusion. Sid cresting the top of the dune first and spinning around to watch the millisecond of Nate sprinting behind him.

Sixth, seventh, eighth. Nate is bagged. He’s practically wheezing but takes comfort that Sid is no less affected. Nate’s eyes keep catching on Sid’s back when he is sprinting behind him, the flex and push of well defined muscle. Nate notices that Sid’s getting a bit of a burn.

He stubbornly keeps his shirt on.

Ninth set becomes the closest yet, Nate had a good start and Andy’s shouts of encouragement keep him grounded. Sid still beats him of course but despite the taste of blood in his mouth, he’s having fun. Competition is a fine line Nate tap dances near daily. He thrives on it, but his competitive edge has gotten him into fierce fights before. Rage is a familiar friend and foe all wrapped into one. Today though…

The sun is shining, the beach is beautiful. He’s training with Sidney Crosby, the best hockey player in the world and he just got drafted - first overall pick! - to the Avalanche. He can’t find it in himself to dredge that old anger up. Sid laughs at something Andy says and yeah - Nate could have it a lot worse.

Last sprint and Andy says they are free for the rest of the day. Sid lines up side by side with Nate. Andy’s whistle blows.

Sid, somehow, stumbles on the first step and Nate pulls ahead. He’s first on the incline of the dune for the first time today. He starts to climb as fast as he can.

A hand shoots out and a vice-like grip clenches on to Nate’s left ankle. Nate’s face smacks into the sand.

Sand is in his mouth, up his nose and gritty on his cheek. He looks up in time to see Sid scramble up past him and crest the top of the dune first.

Motherfucker.

Maybe “obsessive” was the right term after all.

Nate can’t help it - he laughs. Sid is breathing hard and hasn’t even asked if Nate’s okay yet but he looks down with surprise at where Nate is sprawled in the sand laughing. The expression on his face is hard to read at first, almost curious like he just found something. Then in a split second it’s gone, replaced by that honking, goofy laugh Nate had no idea  came out of the Olympic Champion/NHL All Star.

Andy is slightly pissed behind them, scolding Sid for a “dumb move” but Nate is thrilled.

The real Sid. Ah, there he is. That’s who that is.

Sid offers him a hand and pulls him to his feet. He doesn’t apologize but he does brush some of the sand off of Nate’s shirt.

Andy gives Sid a bit of the evil eye but congratulates them on completing their session for today. They make plans for tomorrow’s workout and then the professional brain flips off for all of them. Andy asks if Nate’s dad has any more beer and if there are going to be fireworks tonight. Nate confirms yes to the beer, and unsure about the fireworks. After Sid offers to help Andy tidy up and is denied, Nate and Sid are free for the rest of the afternoon.

Andy is putting away his beloved cones and Sid bumps his shoulder as they cool down and walk further down the beach.

“Nice work today”.

Nate fights to not roll his eyes. “You beat me at everything today man, I was left in the dust.”

Sid chuckles “Well yeah but that shits not easy. Sand is a bitch.”

Nate hums in agreement and a weirdly easy silence falls over them.

“You nervous?” Sid asks unexpectedly.

“To play?” Sid nods. Nate takes a deep breath. “Honestly, I’m terrified.”

Nate shuffles his feet in the sand. They’ve come to almost the edge of the surf, both of them facing out to the open ocean. Some gulls wheel overhead and the wind dies down a little.

“Yeah. I get it man.”

“You? Dude, do you even know who you are?”

Sid smiles a bit wryly.

“Everyone’s nervous when they first start.” He pauses looking up at the gulls. “I almost didn’t eat for a whole week. Felt like I was going to barf.”

Nate’s a bit stunned by the easy admission and the trust that Sid already seems to have in him.

“That’s shitty.” is all that Nate can offer. Sid shrugs.

“Better now. You’ll find your groove.”

Another silence that this time is a bit more charged. The waves rolling in and out is the only sound other than the gulls.

Sid clears his throat. “So” he spins a bit to face Nate more head on. “I hear you’re something of a super fan of mine?”

Nate could kill Andy.

Sid starts to laugh that ridiculous laugh and Nate wishes the tide would come and pull him away from this conversation.

“In my defense - fuck you,” as Sid starts laughing harder, “in my defense, you were the idol of every single hockey player in Canada dude. We are from the same town for gods sake how could I not be?”

Sid is slightly pink and still laughing. Nate tries not to bristle.

“Who the fuck told you anyways? Andy?”

Sid wipes his eyes, “No, your dad actually. In 2010. Or 2009. Whenever that was when you nearly died on the ice doing that drill Andy told you to do.”

Nate remembers that. He remembers that vividly. Funny how he doesn’t remember the draft night at all but he remembers the smell of the ice that day.

“Holy fuck, dad.”

Sid starts laughing anew.

Nate lunges at him to shove him but of course, Sid’s faster.

Nate starts full on chasing him trying to get a swipe and Sid is dancing out of the way, nimble as anything.

“He also said, ah shit, he said - that you have posters of me on your wall.” Sid ducks a particularly close chance when Nate lunges to his slower left side.

Nate starts to feel the rush in his ears. True mortification starts to set in. The hot lick of anger is quick to follow. That’s Nate’s MO.

But Sid’s eyes are ( Jesus ) sparkling in the PEI light and his grin is so big it almost looks like it hurts. Nate takes a deep breath.

“Like I said, every hockey player in Canada is like, obsessed with you dude.” Nate grumbles.

“Oh so you’re obsessed with me?” Sid leans in in an almost conspiratorial whisper.

Nate finally gets to playfully shove him away. Sid laughs and allows himself to be pushed. Nate thinks that if Sid didn’t want to be moved there is no way he’d be able to get a centimeter on him.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re Sidney Crosby. We get it.” Nate chirps but a slow smile is replacing the rush in his ears.

Sid smiles at him. Then in a split second ducks under his arm and sprints into the surf.

It’s so surprising that Nate doesn’t understand what he’s doing at first. Once far enough out, Sid dives headfirst into the sea. It startles a laugh out of Nate and he moves to follow.

His shirt. Right.

He grabs the hem and pulls it off over his head, tossing it into the sand behind him out of reach of the waves.

He looks up and Sid has surfaced, watching. His expression is unreadable.

Nate tries to look confident as he steps into the surf.

The water is freezing compared to the heat of the beach. Nate starts to run in before his brain catches up with how goddamn cold it actually is.

Sid splays out on his back, letting the waves push him around, watching the gulls and the perfect blue sky.

Nate paddles out towards him and accidentally bumps into Sid’s thigh with a particularly powerful wave. Sid feigns annoyance and shoves salt water into his face.

Nate sputters and shoves back.

“You’re kind of an asshole, did you know that?”

Nate’s mouth snaps shut and panic starts to set in. He can’t believe he just told Sidney Crosby that’s he’s an asshole. What the fuck is wrong with him?

But Sid’s eyes crinkle and he laughs.

“Yep. Hey man, better get used to it now. I’m doing you a favour.”

“Before my expectations are ruined completely?”

Sid grins. “Absolutely.”

X

The rest of the Canada Day weekend is bright, beautiful and warm.

There were fireworks after all, but they had to watch them from Andy’s SUV to avoid a media swarm. Sid brings homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to share and Nate puzzled over that for over a week. Sid, Nate, Andy and Graham all tried to cram into the front seats of the SUV to watch the fireworks and Nate ended up shoved against Sid’s side.

Eventually, Graham and Andy gave up to chat like adults in the back seats while Nate and Sid stayed in the front to watch. Sid was warm where he was pressed against Nate’s side and even when the other two men moved, Nate was reluctant to move away from Sid’s heat.

Training continued, on the beach or in a local gym. Nate was worried that the additional snacks (cookies) would ruin his diet plans and Sid chirped him about it relentlessly for the rest of the day. Andy had to come to his rescue and reassure him the one or two cookies wasn’t going to kill him and that he can just work it off in training. Nate felt a bit better after that and resolved to work even harder.

The last day Sid confiscated Nate’s iPhone and inputted his number. “So you can talk shit at me from over 10 states away.” And they seriously talked about keeping in touch on the road. Nate had a few earth shattering moments that Canada Day long weekend, but that was one of the big ones.

Sid did get a sunburn. Nate had a sand burn on his chin from the sprints. Both razzed each other relentlessly for this.

At the end of the trip, Sid clapped his hand and pulled him into a one arm embrace.

“Good luck. You’re going to crush it.”

“Thanks man. You too.”

Sid walks a bit towards Andy’s SUV before spinning around, “Hey, summer skates next year? Cole Harbour? We can train for the next season?”

Nate smiles, “Hell yeah.”

X

The first thing that Nate does when he gets back home is go to his room. He throws his duffle on his bed and his gym bag on the floor.

He takes out his phone and tries to get the clearest picture he can of the three Sidney Crosby posters on his wall.

Without thinking too hard about what he’s about to do, he’s pressing send.

He then panics. That’s a creepy, weird ass thing to do. But then almost instantly his phone buzzes.

SC: DUDE ha

SC: I forgot about those photo shoots

SC: Not obsessive my ass

Nate laughs with relief and starts to text back.

X

Chapter Text

Training camp is brutal. The hotel he was put up in is fine, nice even. Denver as a city is also pretty great. There is a decent Italian spot near him and a grocery store not too far away. He’s living out of a suitcase but it’s fine. He doesn’t need much besides his hockey stuff. That’s what he is in most anyways. The League is shipping the rest of his things once he’s in his more permanent condo in Denver. It’s a complex where a few of the other guys also live so Nate is looking forward to a bit more stability.

The brutal part of training camp is the work. The mental games to keep up, prove yourself, be aggressive but also be a team player, handle the puck but don’t hog it.

From day one, Nate felt curious eyes on him from the guys. Some of them almost two decades older than him. Nathan MacKinnon. The 2013 NHL Draft Overall First Pick. Winner of the Memorial Cup who scored two hat tricks during that game. Nate, who was from the same hometown as Sidney Crosby.

The guys joke that something must be in the water in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia. Nate shrugs and laughs. It strikes him then that these guys know Sidney. They played against him. They are even friends with him. Something about that keeps Nate awake far past his normal bedtime that night.

X

At camp the next day, Nate pinches the bridge of his nose to try to stave off the headache behind his eyes. They are doing dry land training today. Resistance training and then a half marathon. His late night last night is definitely biting him in the ass and in the light of day, he has no idea what he was even obsessing about. A lot of people know Sid. He’s from the same hometown for Christ's sake; he has neighbours, friends - relatives even, who know him. Hell, even he kind of knows him now after the long weekend. He needs to chill. He’s hoping the workout today will drown out his noisy head and resolves to go to bed earlier tonight.

An Avalanche comes up to him with another guy behind swiping aggressively away on his phone. “Hey Rookie, ready to get fucked?” Nate squints up at him in confusion. The Avalanche behind, without looking up from his phone, pipes up, “He means that coach is going to bend us all over and have his way with us today”.

Nate laughs nervously. He’s in good shape and he’s young. He is confident he can keep up. That’s why he’s here. That’s why he’s First Overall Pick.

Names however, are not Nate’s strong suit. The guys all have introduced themselves but there are a lot of them, plus the trainers, coaches, PT, media people, just regular staff and the rink crew. After analyzing every single Avalanche power play, odd man rush, and penalty kill from 2002 until today, Nate knows their names well enough. It’s just without their gear and their numbers on, he’s fucked.

A few days ago Nate had the Captain's Skate with Gabriel Landeskog - the once previous youngest captain in NHL history. Skating with him was more than a little intimidating but Nate likes to think he kept his cool. Gabe, or Landy, as the rest of the team calls him, chatted with him afterwards, complimenting his speed and aim. Nate had been flustered and appreciated his comments but internally Nate knew where he was falling short on the drills. Either Gabe was going easy on him, or he didn't know Nate's game well enough yet to comment.

The other Avalanches arrived later that day and they all skated together for the first time. Nate was able to recognize them by their numbers and last names but some of the nicknames were lost on him, clearly inside jokes. Off the ice, Nate struggled to place faces with names.

"Ah shit!" the guy poking away at his phone feigns throwing his phone on the ground and smashing it. He pushes his hands through his almost non-existent sparse of hair in frustration.

"Benny, Jesus dude. Settle down. If it makes you want to rage quit maybe don't play?" At Nate's puzzled gaze, he explains. "Temple Run".

"Ah."

Nate knows who Benny is, Andre Benoit. He is new to the team, just signed a contract after coming over from the Senators.

And Nate is fairly certain the guy talking to him is Tyson Barrie. Another impressive player in his own right. Barrie scored the only ever Avalanche goal by a Rookie defensemen in overtime.

Nate slides off the bench at the gym to start stretching on the floor. Benny and Tys carry on loudly around him, settling in beside him to also start stretching. Clearly, the two are popular as more guys drift over to them to join them, loudly pitching in with "how shit" Benny is at Temple Run.

Nate just mostly observes these veteran players. His teammates. A few of them start ranting about how a local bar changed their menu over the summer and it isn't as good. Someone else, Nate is pretty sure it's Erik Johnson, complains that he didn't bulk as much as he wanted to this summer and out of the corner of his eye, he sees two guys subtly exchange bet money without a word to Erik. Gabe drifts over and quietly jokes with a trainer before sitting on the floor to start stretching his hamstrings. Semyon Varlamov, the Russian born goal tender, is loudly talking to Matt Duchene (Nate catches his name in the conversation - Matt or Matty) about someone he knows in Russia who severed his hamstring after a particularly nasty incident with a forward's skate blade. Matty looks a little green. Nate can't blame him.

He can't help it. A grin splits his face. Yeah, he thinks he's going to like it here.

X

Roy slaps a hand on his shoulder as he collapses back on the bench. "Nice work pushing that deep kid!" he practically yells into Nate's ear.

Nate nods, exhausted, but his eyes still track the puck.

They are at home in Denver. It's October 2nd 2013 and it's Nate's first ever NHL game. Later, he will find out that he broke the Avalanche record for being the youngest player in the franchise's history to dress and play in the regular season.

The Avalanche are facing off against the Anaheim Ducks.

To say that the Avalanche are all over the Ducks is an understatement. It's only the second period but they are already up on them 4 - 0. He registered his first ever NHL point on Jamie McGinn's goal by just being that much quicker than their D. He feels like it was mostly luck.

The whistle blows on an icing call and the guys change. Nate shuffles down.

Lovejoy cruises by the bench and aims a stink eye at Nate. Earlier in the period, Nate got his first penalty - mutual roughing. Lovejoy and him sat in the penalty box across from one another seething. The rage that seems to follow Nate around tapped lightly on his brain, especially when Fistric cross checked him afterwards like a maniac. It resulted in a penalty that the Ducks couldn't afford to give up. That was the only thing that kept Nate from throwing the gloves entirely.

Overall, the fans are just losing their minds, Nate's brain is quiet, and he thinks he knows how to duck behind their defensive line to try to get a wrap around. At least, he is going to try.

Another icing and Nate hops over the boards and takes off.

X

SC: 2 assists??? Your a maniac

SC: * You're

NM: Did you see that penalty?

SC: HA yep

SC: How pissed were you?

NM: No comment

NM: Hey, speaking of, how the hell do you deal with the media man?? They are so pushy

SC: Yeah, its probably the worst part of the job

SC: The usual, don't swear or talk shit or anything. Gotta be open for that sweet sweet sponsorship. It's hard sometimes but even a one word answer works if you need them to fuck off

SC: The TSN CBC and SN guys are usually decent

SC: Except for that one guy

NM: OMG the guy with the perfect widow's peak

SC: Thats him!!

X

October 21st finds Nate in Pittsburgh itself. Its a huge city. He isn't sure what he was expecting, but the size of it clearly he underestimated. Nate can't help but think of the city as an extension of Sid. Where were his favourite places to eat? Is there a golf course he prefers out here? Does he have private places he can go to without being mobbed?

After most of his young adult and adolescent life idolizing Sid, this feels a bit more coveted. Sure he bought the same equipment as Sid, went to the same hockey school, got the same trainer and religiously studied Sid's power plays, but being in the city that he spends over half a year in feels different. It is also difficult to escape "Sid the Kid" here even if you wanted to.

There are banners in the streets, signed jerseys in sports bars, advertisements with his face on them everywhere. The city hums with love for their hockey captain. If Nate didn't get the hype, he would think it was bizarre. A particularly large and hilarious billboard flashes up as they are leaving the airport and Nate snaps a photo.

NM: *Attached*
NM: #Spotted

He tucks his phone away, smiling to himself.

Tys spots this immediately and launches himself across the bus aisle.

"Who's got you smiling like that you little vixen?" Nate nearly gags and shoves Tys's face away.

"Don't call me that." He makes sure his phone is securely tucked into his suit pants pocket. "And no one. Your mom."

Tys tuts and settles into the empty seat beside him. Nate can feel his eyes on him and it's challenging not to flush.

After several minutes of this, Nate turns to him.

"What."

"I heard that you found a lady friend." Its a statement, not a question, so Nate raises an eyebrow. "An actress."

Ah. Right, Vanessa.

A Canadian born starlet that was several years older than him. They are just friends but they keep in regular contact. Nate met her at a media event for Bell in Toronto. She was bright and talented, and Nate would have to be blind not to acknowledge she's pretty.

"We're just friends dude." Nate huffs and bends over to rummage through his backpack at his feet.

Tyson is persistent - of course.

"Careful with those actresses man, they are a spicy bunch." Again, Nate raises an eyebrow looking up at him.

"How would you know that, you've got the worst game I have ever seen." 

Tys mocks a severely affronted face and tries to dive for Nate's phone. Nate panics, what if Sid texted him back and Tyson saw - and tries to shove him off.

"Children!" Gabe's voice thunders from the seat behind them and they both freeze. 

"Tys is being a pain in my ass!"

"Nate's being a little bitch!"

The ever-suffering sigh of a grown Swedish man is heard from behind them. Tyson slinks off and Nate grumpily faces the window. He pulls his phone out to check if Sid texted him back. No messages yet.

He keeps it out in his hand for the rest of the drive in.

X

The arena is packed and for the first time, Nate is properly nervous about a game. 

It feels bigger, somehow, than the other ones. He has to play well. They have to win.

Gabe has noticed but Nate is pretty sure he's the only one. No one else seems to have picked up on the fact that their bright, First Overall Pick, 18-year old forward has wrapped his stick twice with slightly shaking hands.

The rush in his ears is back and he fears it will be there all game.

Sid didn't text him back.

X

From the first drop of the puck Nate knew this would be a grind. The Penguins are just so good. Malkin is a monster, Fleury might as well be a brick wall and Sid...

Watching Sid properly play in person is hypnotizing. Nate is supposed to be watching the puck, but often the puck is attached like velcro to #87 and he can't help but watch.

When Nate is off, he analyzes the way Sid moves, the way he controls the puck. There has to be a flaw somewhere. Right now, it's hard to see but everyone has a weakness right? 

Sid pulls the puck back in an odd man rush almost to his skate blade, pivots, and fires a pass backwards to an open Sutter.

Maybe not.

Roy claps his shoulder and Nate jolts, jumping to his feet and swinging onto the ice. 

At the faceoff dot, Nate nearly tucks tail and asks to swap. Sid is conversing with his line but he is clearly taking the faceoff. If anyone notices Nates hesitation, no one calls him on it.

With no choice, Nate lines up, resting his stick on his knees. 

He glances up when Sid glides in across from him. The ref fusses with someone behind them and their positioning and Nate tries to read Sid's face.

Sid doesn't look up and he never says a word. 

The ref drops. 

Sid swipes it away.

An irrational anger flares up Nate's back and he goes to shove Sid's shoulder. Sid almost seems to anticipate this, dodges to the side, quickly transfers his weight to his other skate and dekes Nate out hard. 

Nate feels his ankles near snap and he collapses to the ice. Sid didn't even touch him but he is sprawled out like it's his first time skating ever.

He grinds his teeth and gets up, skating twice as hard after the play on ankles that ache.

X

Somehow, the Avalanche get the win. JSG stands on his head and makes 34 miraculous saves. Gabe gets the one and only goal of the game. Both Gabe and Jean get stars for the game (well deserved in Nate's opinion) and Sidney Crosby of the Penguins gets the three stars.

The locker room afterwards is full of shaky relief. Jean and Gabe get their backs slaps and ass smacks. 

Nate gets some ice from the trainers for his ankles which are starting to swell. When he told the trainer what happened, he laughed and said "Welcome to the NHL! Sid got you good!". Ire flares up but Nate stuffs it down. They won. That's what matters.

After showers and dressing back into their normal clothes the Avalanche take to the city to celebrate. Half of them are hungry. The other half are horny. They split up, some going to restaurants and the others to clubs, their baseball caps pulled low over their faces. Nate elects for some food so he joins the hungry crew. 

He forgot that the legal drinking age in the United States is 21. When he brings this up to the guys they all roar with laughter and jostle him along anyways. "No, you fuckers, they won't let me in!'

Barrie slings an arm around his shoulders. "Trust me young one, they won't check your ID."

"Won't they know who we are? Who I am?" That gets even more laughs.

"Think rather highly of yourself do ya Nate?"

Someone puts on an over-obvious East Coast Canadian accent with a slight lisp, "Don't you know who I am?"

"Alright, alright. Jesus you guys suck." but Nate is laughing along and trusts their judgement.

As promised, the hipster restaurant/bar doesn’t blink twice at them when they all parade into the dimly lit space. If anything, Nate would say they looked annoyed to serve such loud, large men who (last Nate checked) were arguing if Julie Andrews was ever hot in her time. The consensus is still out on that and Nate doesn’t tune into the conclusion. 

It's nearing midnight and Nate is a few (low carb) beer deep when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

SC: Hey, nice game tonight. You up still?

Nate pauses. His ankles fucking hurt and he's weirdly angry at Sid. He has no idea why, it was a fair play, Sid didn't even hit him. Was he mad that he never answered him? Is he mad that Sid is obviously better than everyone ever? Was he mad he didn't even say hi on the ice?

The answer to the first two is no, he thinks. The last one makes him cringe - what is he, in Grade 5? Grow up, Nathan. It's the NHL.

He hesitates with his thumbs over the keyboard and then starts to type.

NM: Yeah, up still. At this weird little bar called Speakeasy

He snaps a pic of his near empty beer glass.

NM: Could use another beer to make me forget that my ankles nearly snapped tonight

The beer is clearly going to his brain. Liquid courage indeed.

SC: How many people there? It's a pretty popular spot

Nate glances around. It's mostly empty excepting the 10 or so Avalanche getting increasingly louder as the drinks disappear.

NM: Not many

NM: No pressure dude, I was just razzing ya

After that, there is no response. Nate gets another beer. 

Gabe, the clever, observant fucker turns towards him on his barstool. 

“How you doing Nate?” He nonchalantly asks as he takes a sip of his beer. “How are your ankles feeling?”

They hurt but Nate’s not about to let his captain know that. 

He shrugs. “Fine.” 

It’s clear that Gabe doesn’t believe him but he lets it slide. “Sid’s done that a few times before to people. It sucks but it’s effective. He’s hard to check.”

Nate has to agree with him there. 

Gabe continues. “You looked a little spook tonight before the game.”

Nate blinks at him. “Spook?”

Gabe throws up his hands - “spooked” and mutters some Swedish under his breath. Honestly Nate forgets sometimes that Gabe isn’t Canadian. His accent is barely noticeable and it’s not often he makes mistakes like that. 

“Yeah, sorry man. Just got in my head a bit. I’ll prepare better next game.”

“No,” Gabe shakes his head, “no, not what I meant. You’ve been playing well, I was just worried someone died or something.”

Good god is that how bad he looked before the game? Nate angrily berates himself for being so fucking dramatic. 

He needs to do better. 

“Nah man, I’m good, family is all good. Was just nervous. They’re a good team.”

”You know him, right?”

Nate is caught off guard. “Know who?”

"Sid.” 

His ankles throb. Nate can’t look at him anymore. He studies the condensation on his beer glass.

“Yeah, I mean I guess. We trained together a bit this summer, right after I was drafted.”

Gabe is studying him. Nate tries not to squirm. 

“You’re lucky. He’s a good guy to train with. Competitive as hell though.” Gabe takes another pull of beer.

That Nate can personally attest to. 

“Yeah he is.” 

X

The next morning Nate gets another message.

SC: Hey sorry man, thought about joining you guys but then I literally fell asleep on my couch

Nate can’t help but feel a small weight in his chest.

NM: All good 

As Nate is boarding the plane he glances back at Pittsburgh.

Feeling bold for what feels like the first time in days, Nate takes photo of the skyline.

NM: *Attached*
NM: See you soon

X

Chapter Text

Nate pushes his tongue to the small gap between his two front teeth and chews on the inside of his cheek. He twirls his pen around his thumb and takes another note on how his left hand shot is angled weird. He gets up too high on the stick and it lessens his control. He thinks.

He pauses the playback and rewinds it to see it again.

Yep. Too high. He underlines it in his notes.

A knock on his condo door snaps him out of it and without waiting for Nate to respond, Tys and Matty stroll in like they own the place. Nate rolls his eyes but he’s not too bothered.

As usual they are deep in a discussion about nothing. Something about a baseball player and Nate gives them a nod but then tunes them out.

He jumps forward in the game recording against the Red Wings for his shift. He needs to see if he could have set up earlier at their blue line or not.

“Jesus man. Do you even sleep?”

Nate pauses the video and looks up to see Tys flop onto his couch.

“Playoffs, man. Do you even care?” Acknowledging that he’s in a bit of a bitchy mood is standard. Nate likes his routines and he hates being interrupted.

Tyson, naturally, gets fired up. “Of course I fucking care I just know we are going to win. So why stress?”

The Avalanche are playing really well, there is no denying that. It’s encouraging, but Nate also feels like a hand is slowly closing around his throat. It’s the middle of March and they are considered a shoe-in at this point. Making the playoffs was not really Nate’s concern.

Winning them was something else entirely.

The rest of the regular season has flown by. The amount of travel alone gobbled up entire days which turned into weeks which turned into months. The team got a bit of a break around Christmas and Nate flew home to Halifax. It was good to be home but for the first time his mom’s delicious cooking and his aunt’s baking didn’t seem so tempting. He couldn’t overindulge, he wouldn’t have the time to burn it off in practice. And with no games scheduled, his macros would be all messed up. He couldn’t afford to indulge. So Nate stayed away, and elected for more protein and veggies than the rest of his family. No one raised an eyebrow at that. After all, he was a professional athlete now.

Catching up with his old friends in Cole Harbour was also a bit weird. They were excited for him and supportive of course, but they had a million questions for Nate that he wasn’t sure how to answer. Most of them about Sid.

Sid hasn’t texted Nate in over two months. Nate hasn’t reached out either in fear of being that annoying little Rookie that wants to be just like Sid. While that is slightly true, Nate likes to think he has some dignity left.

Besides, it’s almost playoffs. He needs to focus. Work on his shit. Be better.

He does watch every single Penguins game though.

Tys and Matty go back to whatever the hell they were talking about before and Nate resumes his video. Blue line. How can he make it there quicker?

“But yeah they say he’s gay or something. I don’t know man.”

“You sure? That’s super weird. I thought he was normal.”

A significant pause.

“Not that being gay isn’t normal! You know, it’s fine!”

Tys snorts. “Yeah. Nice.” Nate can almost feel Tys’s eye roll. “But I know what you’re saying, I mean - I thought the same thing.”

“Could you imagine showering with him?”

“Why, have you been imagining showering with him Matty?”

Squabbling ensues and Nate can’t feel his fingertips. 

He’s staring at the screen and is aware of the rush in his ears. He feels a million miles away.

He gets bumped by their wrestling and snaps.

“Guys - holy fuck can you go anywhere else?” 

They both eye him, paused mid-headlock. 

“Like Jesus Christ. I’m trying to win this fucking thing. What the hell are you two doing?”

It’s lippy - especially from a Rookie. Nate knows it and Matty and Tys do too. 

But between the numbness in his fingers, the anger tapping on his brain and the hand around his throat, Nate’s had enough. Anger is a friend that Nate greets with a handshake and a smile. It always has been that way.

Matty throws up his hands and they both retreat muttering some bullshit about Nate’s outburst under their breath.

Nate honestly doesn’t care. He probably should, but he doesn’t have the energy to.

Once they’re gone, Nate runs a hand through his hair. The feeling is returning to his fingertips thankfully. He takes a deep breath.

He turns back to the laptop propped up on his coffee table. The screen has gone dark from his lack of activity and his reflection is clear as day. 

He looks young.

He jabs at the keyboard violently to wake the screen back up. The recording of the Detroit game comes back on and his face disappears. 

Blue line. How to get there quicker. 

X

Later that night in his condo he fires off a text.

NM: Sorry man

TB: All good Dogg

TB: You think I’ve been playing with you almost the whole season and I haven’t noticed you’re a bit of a snap show?

NM: …..Dogg

TB: What

NM: ??? Dogg??

TB: You’re too young. Before your time.

NM: What the hell are you talking about

NM: your only 4 years older than me btw

NM: Oh my god the rapper?? Seriously???

X

The Avalanche win a few and lose even less.

They are undoubtedly headed for the playoffs.

Denver, Nate is starting to realize, is a crazy competitive town. Sure, Nate knew of the Nuggets and the Avalanche of course but the town seems to come alive for sporting events. The heartbeat of the city is tied to whether the local teams are doing well.

Vanessa starts texting Nate almost daily and asks to see him whenever he’s near Toronto. He agrees and flirts along with her increasingly flirty texts. He likes her; she’s funny. He meets up with her after a Toronto Leafs game and he takes her out to dinner. After that dinner, Vanessa takes him back to her apartment and Nate stays there for 2 days in between games. 

Besides kissing Katie Marlo in the summer of 10th grade, Nate has never really had experience with relationships. Needless to say, he was new to everything. Vanessa made him feel good and he finally felt like he could contribute to the more explicit conversations that happen in the Avs’s locker room. It’s stupid - Nate knows - but he feels like he grows up a little. Not such a little kid anymore. 

When he comes back to his condo after Toronto, Tys, Gabe, Parise, and Stastny are in his place (not surprising) waiting for him. They all recognize a walk of shame when they see one and the razzing is relentless. Nate doesn’t mind too much, he can tell they are happy for him. 

From then on, Vanessa texts him daily and requests his presence at various events. The media catch wind of his new relationship and suddenly the sports broadcasters are asking about his love life rather than his wrist shot. The whiplash is a bit intense and after taking Sid's advice and only giving them one word answers, they start to take the hint and fuck off. Hockey comes first - always. Nate can tell that Vanessa rather likes all the attention and having an up-and-coming NHL All Star on her arm is good for the Facebook and Instagram likes. Despite that however, she gets it. Hockey is Nate's number one priority and with the playoffs looming over the Avalanche, Nate is going to have to focus. For that, Nate is grateful.

Some adjustments to the lines are prepared coming into to April and the reshuffled lines are tested at practices. A line test they try out is literally to combat the Penguins forward line with Sid, Rust and Rekell. Nate features as the centre for that play, matched up with an imaginary Sid. He tries not to think too hard about it with moderate success.

X

Their game against Minnesota is not going well. 

It's the first round, guys are jumpy. It's April 17th.

Minnesota entered into the Western Conference as the Wild Card this season. The Avalanche had over a dozen points over them during the regular season. This should have been an easy win. It's also Minnesota for Christ's sake.

Roy makes a call that makes Nate smash his stick in the locker room after they win in OT. Pulling Varlamov that early was a fucking mistake. They almost lost it. All the guys know it too so they let Nate air out his frustration. Nate's ears ring for the rest of the night.

Game two, two days later is better. The Avalanche are nothing if not sore losers and the threat of a loss last game lights a fire under their ass. They win again and finally Nate feels like he can breathe.

The media are all over them, asking questions Nate has no idea how to answer. He is jetlagged, tired, stressed and can't remember the last time he slept more than 5 hours. He avoids looking at himself in the mirror for almost two weeks. His ears ring all the time, his temper a hairsbreadth away, tapping on his brain constantly. Nate's mind jumps around from too much adrenaline and not enough sleep. At one point after Game 2 Nate is up with what he can only describe as a panic attack. Is this what playoffs are always like? God, what if they win? Do they have to keep this up until June? He looks up meditation tips on YouTube and falls asleep on his couch, exhausted.

The guys are faring better than him, but not by much. Their smiles are brittle, their jokes feel hollow.

He tries to keep up with Pittsburgh, but by the time he gets home or to the hotel after a game, he can barely make it to his bed. 

Game three is a shitshow. They lose.

Game four is possibly worse. They lose again.

Game five they win it, but dirty in OT. Nate scores that goal. He feels the relief for 10 minutes from the win only to realize that they have to do it all again in two days.

Nate has lost 15 pounds.

His family is here to watch the last few games and Nate can barely acknowledge them. They are staying at a hotel at least so they don't have to see how bad the state of Nate's condo has gotten. 

Game 6 ironically starts with a motivational speech from one of their trainers. It's only ironic because they lose - badly, 5-2.

April 30th is their last chance at the Pepsi Centre - their home turf in Denver. The locker room is quiet before and Nate just knows in his bones they are going to lose. He himself feels like he has no more to give. He's still a competitive asshole and is going to do his best, but looking around the locker room does not inspire confidence. It's Minnesota for fuck's sake. How is this Game seven?

He's taping his socks when his phone buzzes on the bench beside him. Nate's tired brain tries to make sense of what he is reading so it takes him several tries.

SC: Good luck

He stares at it for several long seconds and then puts his phone away in his duffle.

X

"Oh baby" Vanessa's friend Rachel mock coos, patting his face. "Did you just get paid millions to lose? That must be tough." Vanessa and her other friend (Nate is pretty sure her name is Cheyanne or Shay - something) laugh along and pitch in, "Must be nice!"

Nate shrugs her off and forces a laugh.

It's May, he's in Toronto in some sports bar/brewery. His stuff is packed and already on-route to Cole Harbour for the summer. Vanessa requested he make a pit-stop first. He was anticipating sleeping for a week and eating enough to at least start to gain some weight back but Vanessa's friend is turning 25 and they "had to" celebrate. Nate was able to pick where they went, however. Nate picked a place with a TV.

The Penguins game is on. 

They are in the second round, looking pretty stable against the New York Rangers. Flower (Fleury) is having back to back games of his life. New York is rowdy and playing aggressive against the clear favourites. Number 87 is everywhere. Getting deep, making plays, looking for passes and doing everything he can to keep the Penguins in it. It's insane to watch. Nate can tell when he isn't on the ice with how the balance shifts to the Penguins zone. He is too far away to see the numbers on the backs of their jerseys. Nate can just tell it's Sid.

"Hellooo, earth to Nate?" A hand waves in front of his face. "Is he always like this?"

Nate blinks away from the TV to look at the blonde haired-blue eyed girl with a metric shit ton of makeup on. He now thinks her name is Shailene. 

"Yes," Vanessa slips an arm through his at the table "he's always obsessed about his buddy Sid."

Nate shoots her a look but the girls miss it. 

"Oh my god, you know Sidney Crosby? Shut up."

"What's he like?"

Nate opens his mouth but the conversation is quickly out of control. His ears flush.

"He's so hot."

"Oh my god, you're so embarrassing."

"What? Like you weren't thinking it!'

"Well yeah, but if he actually knows him he could tell him."

"Good. I want him to know. Please also tell him that I am single and very flexible."

The other girls cackle.

"You're terrible. You literally just had the clap."

"Holy God, Rach, just announce it to the whole bar why don't you?" 

Shay (or Chey) raises her hands in defense, "I'm just saying! Besides, he probably doesn't even know him that well anyways. Those NHL guys all "know" (with finger quotes) each other. It's not like they are best friends."

The girls all swivel and look to Nate.

Nate is fairly confident he is disassociating. Either that, or he is having an out-of-body experience. His hands flutter where they are resting on the table and he tries to speak without knowing what the hell he's about to say.

Vanessa at least starts to look a little concerned. 

Suddenly he is hit in the chest with a memory. A sunny beach and the sounds of waves.

He shoots up like someone shot him in the ass and mumbles something about the bathroom.

The girls are disappointed and wrinkle their noses in disgust, clearly thinking he is about to shit his pants. Their attention is quickly recaptured however by two girls who come into the bar with shrieks and "Happy Birthday bitch!" exclaimed.

In the bathroom, Nate splashes cold, metallic smelling water on his face and breathes.

For the first time in what feels like months, he bravely meets his face in the mirror.

He looks tired. Clearly he has lost weight and his eyes are a bit bloodshot. His hair is also getting really long. Touching it in disbelief he pulls a few strands to test just how long it has gotten. It's amazing to him then that he didn't even notice.

Shaking his head he washes his hands and splashes more water on his face. He pulls out his phone and checks the score of the game.

Rangers 2, Penguins 1. They lost. They're out.

Nate sighs through his nose. Shit.

He finds his own blue eyes in the mirror. He looks marginally better but not much. He is going to claim illness to get him out of the rest of this evening and go back to his hotel. Tomorrow, Halifax.

He makes his excuses to Vanessa and wishes the birthday girl all the best. No one hardly acknowledges his leaving except Vanessa. They form plans to meet up again in about two weeks. A quick kiss and Nate jets out of the bar before he can see the Rangers celebrating on the TV. Nate calls a cab outside and enjoys the (not-so) fresh downtown Toronto air. He's looking up at some birds playing in the evening twilight when he realizes.

Shit. Sid's coming home.

X

Chapter Text

The birds singing outside of Nate’s window is the first thing he is aware of. His blinds are open and sunlight pours into his small bedroom at his parent’s house in Cole Harbour. He blinks awake and checks his phone. A couple of texts from Vanessa and a missed call from Andy.

He sits up quickly and scrubs a hand over his face, already punching the call-back option and waiting for the ring.

“Hey Nate! Sorry to wake you if I did.” Andy sounds out of breath and there is a strange rhythmic humming in the background.

“Uh, no man all good. What’s up?”

“Training today I have to move to 3:00. And we are going to meet at Sid’s gym.”

Nate heart jumps in his chest. “Sid’s? Is he home?”

The humming increases in volume. “What? I - sorry Nate, I’m doing sprints on the bike. Incline increments.” That explains the sound. Nate shakes his head but snorts a laugh. “See you at 3:00! Bring cleats if you have them!”

Andy hangs up.

Nate stares down at his phone that has gone black. Well, he isn’t falling back asleep now.

He dresses in his usual summer attire of athletic shorts (skipping the compressions - it’s hot already on the East Coast) and a workout shirt. He has a million outfits of the same variations and he estimates it’s about 90% of his wardrobe.

It’s June.

Summer for the most part has been kind to Nate. He would never admit this to anyone because hockey is literally his life, but summer is his favourite season. The long nights, the warm air, swimming - he relishes in it all. Every summer to him feels ripe with possibilities. He could do anything, be anyone. This year, he feels electric with it. He doesn't look too hard into the reason why.

Streaking down the stairs he nearly collides with Sarah.

“Geez Nate. Slow your roll. Coulda killed me.”

He makes a face at her and she rolls her eyes, attention back on her phone.

Sarah is a great big sister. She’s supportive and throughout Nate’s hockey career has been dragged to cold hockey rinks across North America. She even came to Russia to watch Nate play in the World Juniors. She fiercely said at the time that she “wouldn’t miss it.” Now that Nate is older and more independent with his hockey career, Sarah has been able to get some of her life back. She’s long since moved out of the MacKinnon roost and has started a successful career in business law. Nate has no idea what she does all day in her office with her pencil skirts just like Sarah doesn’t know the points average of a typical Avalanche game in 2002. They stick to their skill sets.

It’s not surprising that she’s here, she comes for weekend breakfasts almost every week. Nate loves having her around but he would never admit that. She’s his sister. He would rather admit to murder.

He has to give his whole family credit. He showed up on their doorstep looking and feeling half dead in May after the playoffs. His mother, Kathy's, eyes filled with tears when she saw him. She hugged him long and hard, probably noticing how thin he was but mercifully she didn't comment. Like he wanted to, he practically slept for a week. The next week he ate. After that, he could feel his body start to wake up again.

He’s hungry again, gets tired at a normal time and sleeps properly. He’s been putting on a bit more weight but the biggest victory was the itch. The itch came back -  the almost ever-present desire to lace his skates and breathe the cold air of a hockey rink. He had lost that spark when they were against Minnesota. Without the itch, Nate isn’t sure he would even know who he is.

Breakfast devoured and family informed of his plans, Nate takes off in his dad's piece-of-shit Dodge Neon. Graham had given it to Nate as a graduation present and Nate uses it to bomb around Cole Harbour. The alternator is fucked, the windows are manual roll-downs and his buddy barfed in the backseat when Nate had to drive them home after a house party in 2012. It still smells a bit. But it's Nate’s, and he feels a weird sense of possessiveness over it.

He goes to the mall first to check out a new CCM skate at SportChek. Tys was texting him last night about it practically drooling. The words “game changing” were thrown around and despite Nate’s chirping, he was curious. Tyson Barrie, Nate reminds himself as the Neon stutters up a tiny hill, was born with a silver spoon so far in his mouth it was practically coming out of his ass. His parents paid for everything and Nate quickly realized they spared no expense. He had the best equipment, the best coaches, private tutors, you name it. He’s been video chatting with Nate on and off since May and he took him on a tour of “one of his houses” in California. Nate felt a little dizzy afterwards and wrote in his notebook to look into a financial advisor. For now, he proudly pats the dash of the Neon when she triumphantly makes it up the block and a half hill. He ignores the slight burning smell and the looks of people walking faster than he is driving. 

Cole Harbour’s mall isn’t anything to write home about, at least compared to Pittsburgh’s or Denver’s, but it has a SportChek and that’s good enough for him.

As soon as Nate steps into the mall, he can feel people staring at him. He's a paranoid dude though so at first he shrugs it off. Then the whispers start.

"- sure?"

"Yeah, that's totally him."

Glancing around at the whisperers garners him nothing, people quickly look away and pretend to look busy. He is fairly certain a pack of 10 -11 year-old boys are starting to follow him though.

He's a friggen idiot. Cole Harbour is a small town. Of course people are going to know who he is here.

His palms start to sweat and people start waving at him. He waves back feeling very stupid. The young boys following him pick up their pace.

He rounds the corner to the wing where SportChek is and finally someone comes up to him.

She's a 50 something-year-old looking lady with what Nate assumes is her husband in tow.

"Hey Nathan! Can we get a picture? Our son is a big fan!"

His face feels very red. "Um yeah, sure."

He shuffles closer to them and smiles for a selfie. The camera flashes and he has to blink the spots away from his eyes. The man, her husband, pats him on the shoulder.

"Too bad about Minnesota, eh?"

Nate, as usual, has no idea how to respond.

"Yeah, hopefully next year." he grits out, forcing a smile.

The man then slings an arm around his shoulders and Nate immediately stiffens. He leans in to Nate talking close to his face like they are buddies that have known each other forever. Nate's anger starts flare up his spine. 

"You know, if you weren't so focused on being the next scrapyard dog, you could duck past their D that much quicker." The man nods along with his own words like they are gospel. Nate blinks at him.

What is going on right now.

"I mean, I know it's dog-eat-dog out there but you're trying too hard to prove yourself. You need to get more pucks deep, huh? Focus on the game. Follow the puck."

If Nate wasn't angry before, he is now. He side steps away from the guy nearly bumping into an 11 year old with a PeeWee Bantam jacket on. The kid grins up at Nate missing a few teeth. "Hi Nathan MacKinnon, can I get your autograph?" Nate shoots the man one last look only to see his wife swat his arm and scold him for "trying to tell a professional how to do their job" but she's laughing like her husband's just the funniest guy in the world.

He looks back down to the kid who has amassed more little hockey players around him. They all seem to be missing teeth and they all stare up at him with wonderstruck faces. "Hey man. Sure, what do you want me to sign? Do you have a pen?"

One of the kids parents or coaches jogs up with a sharpie she had in her purse and Nate diligently signs their jackets. More people have started to gather around and are taking photos of him. As soon as one autograph is done, he's being handed something else to sign. Nate is starting to lose feeling in his fingers now that his anger has dissipated a bit. It's making his signature look sloppier and sloppier the more he signs.

He has no idea what to do.

In Denver, he knew people recognized him occasionally when he was out with the guys. People usually left them alone though, used to seeing athletes around their city. Denver was a sports town after all. And Nate was hardly ever alone, at least having Tys or one of the other guys with him. Now he has no idea how to do this all by himself.

He gets a tiny break in the autograph mob that has formed and he literally tosses the sharpie away from him. Aha, he can't sign without a pen right? He backs up, bumping into several people and making excuses along the way. "Sorry, I've got to go", "thanks for saying hi", "have a good one" he frantically spews out without meaning a single word. He beelines for the nearest mall exit without making it into SportChek.

Once safely back in his Neon, Nate takes some deep breaths. The inside of the Neon is scorching in the summer heat and the feeling starts to come back to his fingers.

He whips out his phone and finds Pat’s contact.

Patrick or Pat Brisson has been Nate’s agent since he was about 15. He represents a few other NHL players, including Sid, and is one of the busiest guys Nate knows. He hates bugging him but the mall encounter left him more shaken than he wants to admit.

Pat picks up with a sunny “Hello Nathan! What can I do for you?”

Nate explains the mall incident and Pat chuckles. “Well yeah man, you’re a bit of a superstar now aren’t you? People in Cole Harbour for sure will know your face.”

Stupidly, Nate tries to articulate what he is trying to say, “But…SportChek…” and Pat chuckles again.

"Listen, I’ll send over a media and public relations course that you can just take online. It’s quick, only a few modules. Should help in situations like that.”

Nate thumps his head against the headrest of the Neon.

“Sure, yeah. I’ll have a look at it.”

"Great big guy. Now anything else I can do for you?”

Nate clears his throat and confirms that he’s “good” and they will talk again in July.

Pat hangs up and Nate stares out the windshield. He takes one more deep breath and jams the keys into the ignition.

X

2:15 pm Nate arrives at “Sid’s gym” in Halifax. Sid, to clarify, has two gyms. The big one is an indoor soccer pitch in Halifax proper. That one is not actually Sid’s, Nate is pretty sure he just rents it out. Something about the owners being family friends. The other is his own personal one at his house on Grand Lake. Nate has been to the Halifax one lots, Andy likes to train there. The one at Sid’s house Nate has never seen.

Nate realizes he’s super early but he didn’t know what else to do. He felt queasy so he didn’t eat anything and the mall incident rattled him enough that he didn’t want to attempt another public appearance. 

The gym sits like a fat ugly toad in the parking lot surrounded by strip malls and lower-end condos. How Sid and Andy came to train here is a mystery to Nate but hey -  a free gym is a free gym.

All the questions Nate has been trying to suppress come roaring back to him while he’s staring out at the unassuming brick building. What if Nate can’t keep up? What if Sid hates him now? What if Sid doesn’t want to train with him after all? What if Sid just stays in Pittsburgh? 

What if Sid’s changed? What if Nate’s changed?

It all bottlenecks and Nate is just left with Sid.

His heartbeat is loud in his ears and his ears rush.

Sid. Sid might be in there. 

The warmest memory Nate has hits him again seated in his garbage car in a parking lot in Halifax.

Gulls, waves and a clear blue sky.

He squashes it down quickly when he realizes his fingers are going numb again. He needs to figure out why that keeps happening. It’s annoying.  

Taking at least 5 fortifying breaths before he exits the car, Nate steels himself and grabs his gym bag (with cleats). 

The building is unlocked and dark inside when Nate steps in. The air conditioning is a bit of a shock after the heat of his car (no, the Neon doesn’t have AC) and Nate shivers. He knows better than to use his street shoes on the turf so he dumps his stuff and changes his shoes. He walks out to the middle of the Astro turf and spins around the huge expansive space. It’s light enough inside from windows up high that he can see well enough. There are banners hanging from the roof just like a hockey arena for various sports that have taken place in the building. Nate wonders if the players even remember the games the banners proudly proclaim. He spots one from 1967 and he snorts. Probably not. 

He feels a bit like a movie star in the big empty room and not like a guy who almost had a panic attack in his car not 5 minutes earlier. 

He hooks his fingers into his cleats and pulls his quads into a stretch. Might as well warm up. 

The door slams and just like the first time they met, Nate knows exactly who it is. 

He whirls around to watch the hidden entrance through the bleachers and sure enough…

Sid looks the same, but different. His hair is a bit shorter, he’s a lot leaner and he is paler than the last time Nate saw him. Nate figures his olive skin hasn’t seen much sunlight in NHL locker rooms which makes sense. 

But he’s still Sid. Still almost painful to look directly at, like looking into the sun.

He’s hasn’t seen Nate yet in the dim light and Nate is struck with indecision. Does he call out? Say hi? He shifts on his feet and Sid catches the movement, his clever, quick eyes finding Nate’s in the gloom.

"Nate?”

"Hey, um sorry man. I didn’t know where the light switch was.”

Sid’s face splits into an enormous grin and he crosses the pitch (with his street shoes on, Andy would lose his mind) and before Nate knows it, Sid’s hugging him. 

Nate feels like he can’t breathe and his heart does an almost painful stutter step. Sid smells like Old Spice deodorant and he’s warm from the outside air.

Just as quick, Sid pulls back and looks at him. For the first time, Nate realizes that he has to look down at Sid, he’s grown about an inch taller over the season and he’s still growing. 

“Hey man, wow it’s good to see you.” Sid’s eyes track over his face and Nate would give up everything he owns right then and there to be able to know what Sid sees there.

“You too. It’s been a long time.”

Sid looks contrite for a second. “Yeah. I’m sorry man. This season just kicked my ass. I thought about you lots.” 

Nate waves it off, “No, dude it’s okay. I get it now.” Feeling brave he adds, “I never missed a Penguins game though.”

Sid laughs. “Well thanks, I’ll bring you a game puck next time.”

Nate grins. “Sounds perfect.”

Nate doesn’t realize he’s just standing there drinking in the sight of him until the door bangs again and the lights flick on with a slight hum. 

He jumps about a half step away from Sid and feels a rush of momentary panic. Andy strolls around the corner and catches them standing like weirdos in the middle of the pitch. In the dark.

"Uh, hi guys? What were you doing in the dark?” 

Sid glances quick at Nate and explains, “Nate didn’t know where the light switch was.”

Andy furrows his brows, obviously about to state the fact that Sid knows where the lights are, so the question still stands, but then he just seems to give up. Probably chalking it up to hockey players just being their weird, natural selves. 

Sid meets Nate’s eyes once more quickly, a private smile ghosting his face before turning towards Andy and the benches to change his shoes.

"So today we are going to do up and downs with three variations that I think you guys are going to - oh my god Sid do you have your street shoes on?! What’s wrong with you? Get off the turf! What the fuck is wrong with you? The composition cannot handle dirt!”

Over his shoulder Sid shoots Nate a genuine look of fear and Nate laughs loudly for what feels like the first time in months.

(“Nate you little shit don’t laugh, you changed your shoes so you get a pass but honestly guys, do you know how expensive turf is? Do you care? Nate - stop laughing!”)

X

Summer, thankfully, rolls on slow. 

Immediately after the Turf Incident of 2014, Sid just insists they train at his home gym. One sunny June morning, Sid takes Nate on a private tour of his home on Grand Lake. It’s a beautiful spot and so painfully Sid that something heavy sits in Nate’s chest the entire day. The fire pit overlooking the lake becomes Nate’s favourite spot, right next to the dock that leads out to the lake. His home isn’t elaborate or obviously expensive, but it’s enough for Sid and he clearly takes pride in it. There are trees everywhere and a wind chime Sid made when he was 8. There are a ton of family photos on the walls and pictures of hockey rinks around Canada with notes on the back. His kitchen is the only state of the art thing in his home and Sid wordlessly hands Nate a loaf of banana bread in explanation. Nate munches on the loaf and quietly takes in the rest of the tour.

Nate recognizes what a privilege it is to be shown this place by such a private person as Sid that he doesn’t offer any commentary. He just follows along with the tour with his loaf and hordes the precious miracles that summers give. 

They train every two days together and are expected to lift weights or do cardio on their “off” days. Nate and Sid elect to do most things together and they fall into a rhythm. 

Nate will be up by 8:00, drive over to Sid's, they will do their warm ups, eat a light breakfast and then get into the proper workout. After, its lunch and then chill time for the rest of the afternoon.

Sid coaxes Nate to go golfing one of those free afternoons. Nate protests but ultimately acknowledges that he will do anything Sid asks of him. Nate is absolute shit at golf but they have a few beers and make an afternoon of it. Sid drives the cart and Nate tries not to pout. It is, in his opinion, the only reason why anyone would ever want to golf in the first place. They laugh at each other's duffs into the brush and Nate starts to feel confident enough to be a bit competitive. He nearly throws his sand wedge on the 11th but he is laughing too hard to even attempt to try.

And they talk. 

They talk about everything, the season, who's who on each team, whether or not the Kings deserved the cup (Nate doesn't think they deserved it, Sid argued that they wanted it too much to not get it), good spots to eat in Detroit, Montreal, Anaheim and whether or not the Coyotes were ever going to fold. 

They also talk about life. Who's sleeping with what model on the off-season, Sid's charity, his dreams of a hockey school for kids in Cole Harbour, their diets and again, whether or not Julie Andrews was hot in her time.

("Oh man, not even a question." 

"You too? Seriously? I don't know man, I don't see it."

"She's a fox! Still is!"

"But she's like singing about goats and shit."

"Yeah, singing like an angel."

"You just like her cause she's talented."

"What can I say, talent is hot."

"...Any talent? What if you you're like super talented at like...rhythmic gymnastics."

"Rhythmic gymnastics is not a fucking joke. They do crazy stuff."

"I could do that shit!"

"No you could not."

"...You don't know that."

"Nate, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you are are an absolute shit dancer."

'What - dude,"

"You have the worst rhythm I have ever seen. You're a beast on the ice but my god, stick to hockey. What? You're going to look at me like I'm wrong? Come here, come watch this rhythmic gymnastic final, you'll see. It's crazy."

They end up in a YouTube rabbit hole huddled on a workout bench and discuss what a training regimen for a ribbon dancer would look like.) 

X

Nate tells Sid about the mall incident and Sid looks properly angry for the first time since Nate's known him.

"Pat should have warned you about that." 

Nate, doing some overhead presses, pauses trying to meet Sid's eyes in the mirror. Sid avoids him though, so he turns around.

"What do you mean?"

Sid huffs, shaking his head. "You're a big deal now Nate. You can't just walk into places and expect people to just leave you alone."

"I'm only a big deal because they think I am the new you." Nate shrugs. "I'm just a hockey player man."

A flash of anger crosses Sid's face. "No, you're the First-Overall Pick, star centre forward of the Colorado Avalanche. Jesus, Nate. Give yourself some credit."

Nate feels a bit like the rug was just pulled from under him. 

Sid studies his face in that analytical way that makes Nate feel warm.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just - take that module that Pat sent you." Sid picks up a plate to load it onto the Smith machine. "And don't do that again."

X

His lungs are screaming at him and his whole body is covered in sweat. The ceiling tiles of Sid's gym are becoming a familiar sight to Nate as he sprawls spread-eagle on the floor.

Sid is equally bushed but elects to pace around instead of sprawl. Andy doesn't always join them for their workouts, trusting that they now know enough of what to do and that they will hold each other accountable. Today, Andy is preparing for PEI back at his place so it's just Sid and him.

It's almost July. Canada Day is in two days and Nate is already packed for PEI.

The air outside is hot and humid. Sid's gym feels suffocating even with the AC on. Sid had a repair man come look at it earlier today because Nate is convinced the thing isn't working. Sid thinks he's just complaining. Nate thinks the heat has gotten to Sid's brain. They reached a stalemate of stubbornness for almost two days until Sid finally cracked and called someone. Nate hopes that PEI is less Satan's-Ass-Crack hot.

To say that Nate is excited is an understatement. Back to PEI, this time with Sid and Andy. As an equal.

The memory of PEI still warms Nate whenever he thinks of it. He'd never admit this to anyone but he pulls the memory of it out and holds it in his hands whenever he wants to feel comfort. He clings to every last detail of that day on the beach like a child with a blanket. He is slightly anxious this next upcoming trip will never even touch on how precious that first one was and that it will ruin it somehow. But looking up as Sid paces closer to him, he smiles and laughs. Sid is disgusting, sweaty and yet still somehow tough to look directly at. Sid also grins and feints stepping on Nate's chest. Nate shoves his foot away and sits up. Sid nearly buckles and goes down, no energy left to hold himself up. Nate laughs even more and Sid flips him off.

Yeah, this PEI trip will be even better than the last.

"Come on," Sid holds out a hand to pull Nate up. "I have an idea."

Nate takes his hand and allows Sid to pull him up.

Sid starts undressing in front of him and Nate's brain short circuits. He peels off his sweat stained shirt and takes off his ball cap. It's when he starts kicking out of his shoes and socks that Nate gets with the program.

"Uh, Sid...what?"

Sid just gestures at Nate and Nate shrugs. Alright.

He pulls his equally disgusting shirt off and takes off his shoes and socks. Sid has now seen him at his (almost) worst and Nate feels much more confident around him. Still, though. There is a heat flaring up Nate's spine that he unsuccessfully tries to tamp down. Nate doesn't over analyze it.

Sid, his hair a sweaty bird's nest and nearly naked except his shorts, grins up at Nate.

"If you can't beat me to the water, you have to buy lunch."

Water - what?

"And, I get to drive the cart golfing for the rest of the summer."

Ah. Okay. Nate's body jumps into competition mode. He can feel his overworked muscles protest as he sets up to sprint.

He grins, fairly certain he looks a bit feral.

"You're on."

Sid takes off like a shot, hurdling through the open screen door from the gym and sprinting on to the patio. Nate is right behind him, nearly slipping on the smooth stones of the patio. Sid touches the grass first, but Nate leaps over a small divot in the lawn and pulls ahead. His footsteps are thunderously loud on the dock and Sid pulls up beside him.

Nate tries to shove him off the side and Sid returns the favour. Desperate, Sid grabs his arm and tries to push him back. Nate manages to evade him but too late. Sid jumps into the lake a split second before Nate does.

Sid's crows of triumph and bright laugh extinguish any complaints Nate has about losing. He puts on a front of course, but Nate would do it all again if he could.

X

Prince Edward Island this year is a bit more cloudy but no less beautiful. The drive over was fairly quiet between them. Nate listened to music, Sid read a book (how he could read in a moving car was beyond Nate) and Andy of course drove listening to what Nate calls 'Dad Rock' the entire way.

They checked into their hotel and then took to the beach. It was a bit more crowded this year with people escaping for the long weekend and Andy frowns. 

He turns to Sid. “We can try somewhere else."

Sid shakes his head. "No, it's okay. They can say hi and then we can set up further down there."

Andy looks unsure but goes along with it, lugging his equipment down from the parking lot while Nate carries the precious cones.

It takes a few minutes but the 5 or so families on the beach start to notice Sid. It starts with a general murmur and then escalates to lots of staring and pointing in their direction. Nate watches Sid. He smiles to people and waves, used to the attention after all these years. A few brave people break the ice and come up and talk to them which leads to almost everyone on the beach coming up and taking a photo with Sidney Crosby. A few recognize Nate and he awkwardly says hi, still juggling Andy's cones. 

Sid is so patient with everyone. He ducks down to kid's level for photos, talks to an older couple about how beautiful PEI is and signs a ball cap for a middle-aged man. He is even passed a practically newborn baby in a white sunhat and Sid cracks a joke making the parents laugh. He smiles down at the tiny baby who looks like she doesn't give a shit about this strange man but he seems nice enough so she'll allow it. 

Nate has to look away because he seriously starts to feels faint. He's warm all over and can't seem to calm a flutter in his stomach. His ears rush but in a different way than he is used to. It hits him then, fully.

Ah, shit. 

Nate's fucked. 

Damn you, Prince Edward Island.

X

Their training that day is good, and not as hard as Nate remembers last year's being. He is in better shape, of course, but he feels good instead of feeling like he's going to pass out. 

Emotionally though, Nate is a mess. 

He's scattered and jumpy, a bit bitchy too if he's being honest. Sid gives him worried looks but he and Andy give him a wide berth. Nate doesn't blame them.

Like a sign from a higher power, the sun starts to come out near the end of their day and the beach is transformed into the one from Nate's memories. Instantly, Nate feels better. He can do this. He can live with this. 

He will outgrow it anyways right?

Ten years from now, him and Sid will likely laugh about the time Nate had a ridiculous crush on his idol turned friend. They will kiss their supermodel wives and high five each other then go get a beer. It will be fine.

The beach clears out as people start to head in for dinner and the fireworks later that evening. The gulls are back, picking at the scraps from the beach that kids left behind.

Their training session ends and just like last year, Sid and Nate dive into the sparkling ocean. The cool salt water soothes their overheated skin as they try to cut through the roaring waves. Sid's foot touches some seaweed and Nate nearly pisses himself laughing at Sid's scream. Nate is laughing so hard that a wave knocks him on his ass and he gets water up his nose and sand up his shorts. He emerges sputtering only to hear Sid cackling like a maniac at him. He finds a piece of seaweed that rolled up on the beach and flings it at Sid. 

Later, in their hotel room, Nate is too exhausted to worry. Sid is snoring on the queen bed across from him (one hotel suite, a king sized bed for Andy, and two queens in the other adjoining room for him and Sid) and Nate can't help but smile. However Nate feels about Sid is irrelevant. He doesn't think he's ever had a greater friend.

He can live with this, as long as he doesn't lose Sid.

X

The rest of the long weekend flies by. Unlike last year though, Sid and Nate take one day off. One whole day to lounge on the beach, try to boogie board and get a sunburn.

True to their word, Nate gets a horrible burn, Sid just gets a little pink. They lounge successfully and boogie board less successfully.

They are a bit more incognito on the beach that day and only a handful of people recognize Sid. They both have hats and sunglasses on and the people that do recognize them leave them alone for the most part.

Sid reads his novel (historical fiction - he outlines the premise of it for Nate when Nate asks) and Nate dozes intermittently. Tys and a few other Avalanche have been texting Nate about their long-weekend escapades - July 4th is today for the US, and Nate snorts at their conquests. He snaps a picture of the beach with Sid's feet barely in the frame and sends it to Tys.

Vanessa's name suddenly pops up on his display. She's trying to call him. Anxiety twists Nate's insides and he sits up.

Sid looks over at him. 'What's up?"

Nate shows Sid his phone and who's calling him.

Sid cracks a grin and goes back to his book. "Uh-oh." 

"What do I do?" 

Sid shrugs, eyes still on his book. "I don't know man. Whatever you want."

Nate lets it go to voicemail. 

Sid doesn't comment but he does cast Nate a significant look. 

A few weeks ago, Nate confessed his relationship with Vanessa to Sid. He has been to Toronto twice this summer to see her (she hasn't come up to see him yet) and the visits were fine. Fun, at times, but mostly fine. Cities weren't Nate's bag and every time he was back on the plane heading home he felt astronomically better.

And now with Sid...

He shoves that down. Nope, not going there.

"I guess I am lucky. Kath spends most of her time in South Carolina." 

Ah, yes. Kathy. Perfect, beautiful Kathy that belongs on the arm of one star-studded Sidney Crosby. Sid's longtime girlfriend of almost 4 years, Kathy. Nate knew about her of course. Nate knew almost everything about Sid before he even met him, but honestly, Nate forgets almost constantly that Kathy even exists. Is that horrible to say? Maybe. 

But in Nate's defense, Sid never talks about her. He understands that Sid is an extremely private person etc. etc. but Nate knows little to nothing about her.

Sid on the other hand...

Nate now knows things about Sid that TSN or SportsNet will never talk about. Nate knows - or is starting to know - Sid. Not "Sid the Kid", but Sid. The guy with a super unattractive laugh, a competitive streak a mile long, and a photo of his family dog on his nightstand. He hates bananas but forces himself to eat them because they are "so good for you". He is superstitious as hell and smiles at babies. He can be quick to temper and he refuses to ride in Nate's Neon (Nate tries not to hold it against him. Nate called him a priss once about it and Sid didn't talk to him for 12 minutes). Nate knows Sid. And yet, every day Nate feels like he is still learning more.

Nate doesn't know Kathy. Sometimes, in his most bitter and immature depths of his soul, Nate thinks that he might know Sid better than she does. 

Nate swallows thickly and clears his throat. He resolves to not touch the Kathy Issue with a ten-foot pole from here on out. Besides, it's not like Nate is ever going to have his...whatever...with Sid reciprocated in any way. He has no ownership over the guy's life. He focuses back on his phone. "Yeah, I dunno man. I like her, but she's kind of a lot."

Sid laughs. "I want to meet her. Sounds like she keeps you on your toes."

Nate flicks some sand at him.

X

July melts into August and the summer starts to slip away.

Nate feels like he's trying to hold sand in his hand and no matter what, it keeps leaking out of his fist. His anxiety about going back gets higher and higher every day and honestly he doesn't deal the best with it. Waking up in cold sweats, eating less and being generally bitchy towards his family becomes more common as the days tick by. He does a few more fun things in Nova Scotia before he has to go, like film a cameo on a well-known Canadian sitcom. That was pretty fun, but it's over before he knows it. Vanessa flies out for that (likely in hopes she will meet a producer or someone else famous) but she doesn't stick around long afterwards. She does meet the family ("Finally!!" Nate's mom had proclaimed) and it goes fine.

Sid and him start practicing on the ice with Andy and getting back into puck handling and drills. Nate feels rusty and slow, despite how hard they worked this summer. Sid keeps him buoyed when he gets frustrated and tries to offer tips. That familiar rage starts tapping lightly on his brain and Nate knows it's only a matter of time.

One day, Nate ends up snapping - bad.

"You're not my fucking dad, Sid!"

Sid, never afraid of Nate's rage, doesn't back down. 

"Well you're acting like a child Nate. Calm the fuck down and shoot the puck." 

Nate smashes his stick and storms off the ice.

Nate sits for a long time fully dressed in the locker room. He waits until his heart rate slows down and then he is embarrassed as hell. He pushes a hand through his hair with shaking hands. He can't lose Sid. He can't...

Nate hears the gate to the ice open and close and he just knows that it's Sid. Nate thinks he will always know it's Sid.

"Nate."

He shakes his head, his gaze still stuck on the ground in front of him. 

Sid settles in all his gear on the bench across from him. He takes off his helmet and lays his stick on the bench beside him.

"What's going on?"

Ire flares up again but Nate swallows it down, down, down. He looks up to meet Sid's eyes.

Surprising even himself, he speaks, "Last year nearly killed me and I was above average at best. This year I feel like I can barely handle a stick."

He looks back down and barely breathes out, "I can't do this."

Sid pauses, clearly thinking about something and Nate lets him puzzle it out. "'Nearly killed you'? What do you mean?"

Nate looks up, surprised he never told Sid this. 

"My first playoffs I lost 15 pounds in a week. I slept about 4-5 hours a night. And it was against Minnesota. Minnesota, Sid." He adds, "I also honestly don't remember showering the entire time - unless it was a game night." Gross, Nate. He could have left that part out.

Sid is quiet for a long time and Nate studies his face. He looks slightly horrified but that might be due to the shower comment.

"Nate - shit. You should have said something! What the fuck were you thinking?"

"You're not my dad Sid and you're not my fucking coach!"

Fearless, Sid snaps back, "No, but I am your friend."

That shuts Nate up.

"Jesus, did you think that people wouldn't care about you? You could have seriously hurt yourself. You should have told someone. Hell, you could have called me!"

"Could I have? Would you have answered?" Nate's anger just gets brighter and hotter. "I'm just a Rookie, Sid. You wouldn't have had time for me with playoffs. We both fucking know it." Frustrated, Nate pulls on his hair and curls in on himself. 

They both take a breath and Nate speaks to his knees.

"Everyone compares me to you."

Sid sucks in a sharp breath across from him. 

"I couldn't be a burden to you because I already am supposed to be you."

Nate uncovers his head and looks up. Sid's eyes are a bit wet but they are still the same warm, clever eyes that Nate found refuge in all summer.

Sid pulls off his gloves and slides off the bench to kneel in front of Nate. He shuffles on his knees so that he is as close as he can be. 

"Nate..." Sid braces his hands on Nate's knees and looks up at him. Despite Nate's anger, frustration and just bone-weariness, Nate tries to meet his gaze fearlessly. 

"You are not me and I don't want you to be. Jesus." Sid scrubs a hand over his face. "I am sorry that people say that about you. I - fuck." He shakes his head but plows on. "I am not good at this, but I am going to try."

"I am sorry for not being there for you." Nate starts to speak - it was playoffs, he gets it, but Sid waves him off. "No, man, that was shitty. I need to work on my own shit and that's something I need to be better at. I was a bad friend." 

He rests back on his heels a bit, his skate blades likely poking him in the ass but he carries on. 

"I never want you to feel like a burden to me. You matter to me and even when I am pissed at you I still care. I am sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise."

"I also want you to know that you're a fucking good hockey player." He snorts in self-derision, "People keep comparing you to me but honestly Nate, you're going to be better than me one day."

Nate leans back about to argue again when Sid sits up again. "I fucking mean that. You're fast, you're smart, you make plays like no one I have ever seen."

Nate can't help himself, "Can't handle the puck like you can though."

Sid shrugs, "Well, no - but I have had 7 or 8 more years of practice than you. Once you get it dialed man," Sid sits back again and for the first time cracks a smile up at Nate. "You're going to blow us all away." 

Nate searches his face for any irony or ridicule and he finds none. Sid means it. 

And just like that, Nate is in love. It doesn't feel the way he thought it would. It feels shaky and warm, not like a huge parade with confetti or like those rom-coms that Sarah likes to watch. 10 minutes ago on the ice Nate wasn't even sure he liked Sid. But god, Nate loves him. 

Nate throws off his gloves and hugs him. "I'm sorry."

Sid laughs a bit in relief and then he's hugging him back. 

The verbal septage cannot be stopped now though and Nate doesn't try to fight it. "I get so mad sometimes, I am sorry. I am so sorry."

Hey, I love you, can you feel it? Does it show on my face? Do I look any different?

"I know, Nate. It's okay, I know."

X

It's the last day of summer for Nate. He is due back in Colorado tomorrow. Most of his stuff is being shipped already, the movers are coming tomorrow for the rest.

Him and Sid are lounging on Sid's dock by the lake. Nate hates to admit it, but he can already feel a bit of a chill in the air.

He's complaining - again.

"I don't want to go."

Sid pokes his side. Nate swats at him. "Too bad" he laughs.

"Hey." Nate swivels up to look at Sid since he’s propped up on his hands and Nate is on his back. "Next summer? Same plans? Maybe a trip - that would be fun."

"Unless one of us wins the cup." Nate counters.

"True." A long pause and a loon cries out across the lake. "Are you going to live with your parents next year again?"

Nate cracks his neck. He's a bit stiff from a bag skate yesterday. "I dunno. Probably not." he thinks about it. "A spot on Grand Lake would be pretty sweet. Maybe I'll start to look."

Sid is quiet next to him.

Nate rolls over and looks up at him. "Unless that would be weird."

“No,” Sid shakes his head clearly still mulling over something. Nate waits him out. “But, uh…”

Sid hooks a thumb over to the right.

"The lot next door to mine is for sale.”

X

Chapter Text

Flying back into Denver, Nate feels heavy. Looking out the airplane window at the city below, Nate's brain tries to trick him into believing he is just coming back for a visit. That summer was going to magically going to begin again and he would be able to go home. Play a little hockey, see his teammates (who he did miss) and then go back to Cole Harbour. Ducking around the Denver airport, some cameras catch him and airport security buffers him along. It's only when he sees all his luggage being unloaded into a blacked out SUV he realizes that no - he was here to stay.

The heaviness remains.

Coming back to his condo, Nate checked in with his cleaner and texted a few of the guys that he was back.

He opens his windows to try to let in some fresh air and clear the slightly musty smell out of his place. He writes a grocery list, checks in with one of the Avalanche's nutritionists, modifies his grocery list, and makes a workout plan based on one of the ones Sid and him did over the summer.

On and off that afternoon, Nate emails his financial advisor, Aatif. Aatif is based in Nova Scotia and is perpetually chipper. That's about all Nate knows about him, but he likes him well enough. He trusts that at least Aatif knows what he's doing with Nate's money - better than Nate does, that's for sure. Aatif is tasked with looking into that lot on Grand Lake and so far things are looking pretty good. Nate desperately tries not to get his hopes up too high but he slips into moments of fantasy when he is too tired to be pessimistic. His family is supportive of him looking into the property, and that kind of sealed the deal for Nate. Nate thinks they are largely just happy that he wants to stay in Cole Harbour as much as he can. Nate almost feels like he'd be an idiot not to.

Like clockwork, there is a rhythmic pounding on the door so loud it makes Nate jump.

"This is the police! Sir, put away the weed and come out with your hands up!"

Nate rolls his eyes but gets up and opens the door.

"Really guys?"

Tys, Gabe, Freddie Hamilton, Ryan O'Reilly, Matty, Erik Johnson (EJ, Erik), Zino (Andrew Agozzino) and Nick Holden all practically bowl him over and troop into Nate's condo. Nate is passed back and forth like a rag doll being hugged, high fived, chirped and his hair touched. Hockey players are not known for respecting personal boundaries but Nate doesn't mind. He did miss them.

They all raid Nate's fridge and then reprimand him that he has no beer. Nate throws things at them and reminds them that he literally just got here and they can go get their own beer, "like fucking adults." That sparks another round of chirping because legally, Nate still cannot buy alcohol and he is technically, not, a "fucking adult".

Nate buries his face in his hands but he's laughing along. The heaviness eases a bit.

X

That night almost the entire team comes out for dinner. It's absolute chaos. 

They have a few new faces to the team and Nate is sad to see Benny missing from the table. The proverbial elephant in the room is Jarome Iginla. A very controversial trade from Calgary a few years ago has found the star right-winger bouncing around several teams since. Nate had heard rumors of course (hockey players gossiped worse than little old ladies and of course he saw the announcements), but he never thought he would actually get to play with him. He shook his hand as they were hustling in to dinner and Jarome smiled. 

"Nathan, right?"

Nate had nodded.

"Yeah, Sid told me about you. Nice to meet you man."

Nate had blushed, a little star-struck and muttered something he hoped was normal. It must have gone over okay cause Jarome laughed and slapped his back.

They have to rent a back room in a downtown restaurant because there are so many of them. The room is crowded and dim and quickly Nate is sweating. Nate is sandwiched between O'Reilly (who gets progressively tipsier and louder) and sweet Freddie Hamilton. Someone spills a bottle of wine all over about a third of the table and the table bread gets thrown at the offender (Jamie McGinn). The guys start joking that this is going to be a long season if this is how they are starting. Nate privately agrees but for different reasons. 

His phone lights up with an email notification. It's Aatif. He thumbs open his phone and stares at the email for almost a solid minute.

He got the place.

Relief sweeps through him and he embarrassingly feels like he's going to cry. He did it. He got it.

He has to call Sid.

He makes his excuses and squeezes past the table. Sid's number is dialed and ringing before he's even out on the street. It's just past dusk and the street is relatively empty. The light breeze feels good on Nate's warm face after being in a tight room with 30+ large men.

"Hey! I was just about to call you to make sure you got in okay."

Nate closes his eyes and feels his eyes prick again. Sid's voice is warm and close to his ear. Nate can almost pretend he's here.

"...Nate? You okay?"

"I got it."

"...No way."

Nate laughs in disbelief and he wipes his eyes.

"Yeah man, just now. Aatif hooked me up, the papers just need to be signed."

"Holy shit! Nate! Holy shit!"

He laughs again, "Hope you don't mind your neighbour throwing a few ragers every once and a while."

Sid laughs his stupid fucking laugh and retorts, "As long as I'm invited every time."

Nate grins. Of course. "Hell yeah."

"So what's next? You've got to get an architect or an engineer or whatever right?"

"Yeah I think so. Aatif is going to send me more things next week and we will go from there."

"Wow. Wow! Nate this is going to be awesome. I can't believe it."

"You're still okay right? Like, this is okay?"

"Holy shit Nate, yes. This is going to be great."

Nate lets out a breath in relief and quietly confesses, "I can't wait."

He can hear Sid's smile when he says, "Me too."

Nate smiles down at the pavement and shuffles his feet.

"I better go, we are at dinner tonight. It's rowdy as hell already, you should see them."

Sid chuckles, "I bet. I better get to sleep, we have Captain's skate tomorrow." Right, Sid is a few hours ahead of Nate, closer to Cole Harbour time.

"Alright man, have a good night. Good luck with those little Rookies tomorrow. Don't blind them with your brilliance."

Sid laughs again, "They are going to skate circles around me man, you'll see."

"Naw, you'll be fine." Nate's heart feels like it's pushing against his ribs. "Call you tomorrow?"

"Yep for sure, but around 6 your time if that's okay."

"Sounds good. Night, Sid."

"Night Nate. Congrats."

Nate rubs his eyes, "Thanks."

Sid quietly hangs up.

Nate takes a few shaky breaths and blinks around his surroundings. The street has gotten darker and the cars that pass by all have their headlights on now. He turns around to head back inside and nearly has a heart attack. Tys is leaning against the brick of the building sipping what looks like an Old Fashioned. 

"Jesus man," Nate slaps a hand to his pounding heart, "Warn a guy, eh?"

Tys just looks at him and Nate furrows his brows.

Eventually Tys shrugs off the wall and stands beside him. "I just wanted some air." Tys won't stop looking at him weird and Nate feels his hackles go up. 

"You were eavesdropping."

Tys waves his near empty drink as he gestures to the empty street. "Hard not to, man. Not exactly a full crowd out here."

To say Nate is furious is an understatement. He can feel his ears start to ring. "That's private man. Not cool."

"How is Sid?" 

Nate wants to punch him. "None of your business."

Tys nods like he expected that. Nate storms past him and makes for the door.

"Listen, I'm sorry man. I didn't hear much, I only caught the end."

Nate pauses on the door handle and spins back to Tys. "Leave it, Tys. I mean it." It comes out as a growl and a lesser man would cower faced with Nate's wrath. Nate is growing still, filling out and getting stronger every day. He's becoming a bit of a weapon on the Ave's bench. Tys, however; spoiled, bratty Tyson Barrie, is not cowed in the slightest. His eyes flick up and down Nate's body and he tilts his head slightly. There is no doubt in Nate's mind that Tys now knows and the chillingly cold grip of panic combats the heat of Nate's anger. 

Tys seems to be able to finally tell that if he doesn't back down now, Nate is going to hospitalize him. He waves Nate off. "Again, sorry. My bad."

Nate moves once more for the door. Tys speaks again, quieter "Be careful, man."

Nate tries to breathe through the panic and the rage. He throws the door open. He doesn't say a word back.

X

The regular season kicks of with the Avalanche away against the Minnesota Wild. When Nate sees the games schedule posted he nearly tears it off the wall. Minnesota. Again. And in two days, it's back to Denver to play - of course, Minnesota. Again.

Like last year, the Wild are all over the Avalanche. It's a bad two games to start with, they have a few new lines and Nate is getting used to Jarome and his style of play. Minnesota is chirpy and rough, still riding high after their victory over the Avs last year. It doesn't help that Parise and Suter are so fucking good. They don't stand a chance. They lose the first game, 5 - 0 and the second 3 - 0.

In the pre-season games and practices Nate had noticed a few worrying flaws in their lineups. They just don't have the right defense, or at least the match-ups are going to bite them in the ass. He keeps quiet though - he's still basically a Rookie and it's not like he's an expert or anything. But Nate knows hockey. This doesn't look good, their backend is weak. After practice one day Nate can hear Gabe talking loudly to Roy in an office and he only catches snippets, but it's enough for Nate to know they are fucked. And that was in the pre-season. What the hell is the rest of the season going to look like?

Talking with Sid about it, Sid thinks he should say something. At least to Gabe, if not Roy.

"He'll get it, you said you heard him say some of the same stuff."

Nate is pacing around his condo in his shorts and he feels a bit snippy with the stress. "Well, yeah but they shouldn't listen to me Sid. I was a Rookie last year man. I can't just come in there and tell them what they are doing wrong."

"Why not? You're a part of the team too Nate. You want to win too."

Nate sighs. "I guess."

"Besides," Sid carries on, "you've got crazy good hockey sense. If I was your captain I'd listen to you."

Nate flushes and is grateful Sid can't see him. "Thanks man" he mumbles to his feet. 

"At least think about it."

X

Nate hasn’t spoken to Tyson outside of what is absolutely necessary for the team in over a month.

He lies awake at night convinced that Tys is going to tell the whole world about Nate. How fucked up he is. How desperate he is for his idol that he went and fell in love with him, even though Sid would never feel the same. Shame claws at Nate’s throat so bad some nights he feels like he can’t breathe.

In the sobering light of day, Nate does trust Tys not to say anything. He’s a little shit but he’s not an asshole. It’s just when Nate’s exhausted after another loss or when he’s too jumpy to eat, that the shame bleeds into his chest and suffocates him.

Nate’s not ashamed of Sid, of loving him. He would like to see anyone who knows him like Nate knows him, not love him. It would be impossible. Loving Sid was inevitable.

Nate’s just ashamed it’s him. Embarrassed for Sid that he’s bridled with Nate. He clings to Sid’s words that he told him in that locker home back home, and every day it seems harder and harder to remember. But he tries.

Nate just ends up pushing everything down and pretending like nothing has changed.

Tys doesn’t bring it up, and neither does Nate. 

X

Nate's hands start to shake around October. He's fine when he's on the ice, but right around Halloween, when he's at home, out with the guys or literally anytime he isn't playing - Nate's hands are shaking. Sometimes the tremors climb up his arms and into his chest and he shivers and he just can’t stop.

It's annoying and weird and the guys start to notice. Nate just tells them he's cold. After a while of telling them that, they don't seem to believe him. Nate guesses it doesn't help when he's dripping with sweat and exhausted and is very clearly not cold. His anger lately is mercifully quiet until he is on the ice. Almost every game he is recording a penalty for something. Some of them are bullshit, Nate's not above calling it what it is, but the others are fair calls. He's cross-checking people, boarding people and becomes something of a menace. It’s not the way he wants to play but he doesn’t know how not to. The media start asking him what the hell is up with him and Nate honestly doesn't know. Some games he feels like he just blacks out, and he doesn't come to until the locker room after the game with sore shoulders. He hasn't thrown the gloves yet, but there have been near misses.

Nate doesn't tell Sid about any of it. He feels like a freak and has no idea why this suddenly came on. It's not like it's "anxiety" or whatever. He’s a bitchy fucker, so the rage isn’t new, it’s just the level it’s at lately feels terrifying - even to him. Otherwise, Nate feels fine. He just shakes and tries to see past the anger that clouds his vision some days. He tries. 

X

The Avalanche are not playing well. Sure, they win a few, but they are losing much more this year than last year in the regular season. Their defense is garbage and everyone knows it. Bringing up Nate's personal observations he noticed in the pre-season is now a moot point because the writing is on the wall. Despite how much they run plays and reshuffle lines, their back end just isn't tight. As soon as their D is pinched, the game is basically lost.

Also, Nate can't score a goal to save his life. That, he does complain to Sid about.

"I don't know!"

"Nate, come on, there has to be something."

Nate sits on his free hand that isn't holding his phone to stop it from shaking and he lies through his teeth. The first lie he ever tells Sid. "No seriously, I don't know. I just can't seem to get a break. Like I'm there, and Gabe sets me up, but fuck if I can't score." Nate knows why he can't score. It may be the same reason why he's losing weight too quickly to be sustainable, why his hands can't stop shaking and why he blacks out during games. Nate's fucked up. 

Sid hums over the line. He's clearly replaying Nate's performances so far this year in his head, analyzing each opportunity Nate's had. "Have you been doing those cross-line drills we did? They would help."

Nate tucks his arm against his body as his tremor moves down to his elbow. His phone violently shakes against his ear.

"Nate?"

"Yeah." Nate takes a deep breath and concentrates on Sid's voice. It helps.

"...You okay?"

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Nate chokes out, "Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry man. You probably got your own shit to deal with."

"No, I mean I am here just sitting on my couch watching the Great Canadian Bake Off, so I'm all yours buddy."

Nate, despite everything, laughs. "But you love Great Canadian Bake Off. I'm taking you away from it." 

"Yeah but you're pretty great too. I don't mind."

A momentary pause and then,

"And I'm recording it anyway."

Nate snorts a laugh and affection blooms in his chest. God, Nate misses him. He's never missed another person like this before in his life. But, Nate figures he's never loved anyone before either so there's that.

He has no idea how people do this all the time. How some of the guys who are married in the league do this. Not that him and Sid are married or anything close to that. But how they can just get by with phone calls every now and then when it feels like you're missing a limb.

"Well, that's enough about me bitching - what's going on with you? Besides cupcakes."

Sid goes on a tangent about one of the bakers on the show being like a professional chef he met in Milan one time. Nate had specifically asked for an update besides the baking talk but he doesn't care in the slightest. He finds his tremors dissipate to almost nothing and he settles into his couch. He's almost relaxed enough to sleep but then Sid launches into another tangent about the Flyers this year. He fights off sleep to listen to Sid talk.

X

Over half of the Avalanche team are sprawled all over Gabe's living room in Denver. They are all grumpy, hot, pissy and tired - sometimes all four at once. Nate's on the floor stretching out his hamstrings and studying Gabe's plush grey carpet while Gabe is on the war path.

"Like holy fuck guys, what the hell is going on?"

No one answers him and Nate tries not to look too guilty. It's his fault the Avs aren't doing well. He went from one of their leading points scorers to...this. Whatever he is now. Nate gets that hockey is a team sport, all that Hallmark shit, but the correlation is hard to ignore. He clenches and unclenches his hands in his lap to stave off the tremors.

They had just come back from a long media day, doing interviews, getting their photos done, answering fan questions and doing a bit of charity work with some sick kids. They were told, in no uncertain terms by Gabe, that if they didn't get their asses to his house for a "team meeting" Gabe would make their lives a living hell at practice tomorrow. Some people had legitimate excuses, like their family was in town so Gabe allowed it but the rest of them hauled ass over to Gabe's. Snow is falling gently outside. It's December 6th.

Last night they lost against the Jets, a team they easily beat last year. Before the Jets, they lost to the Flames (Jarome had a tough time with that game, Nate felt for him), and before that, they lost to Montreal. 

McGinn pitches in, "We need to tighten our defense."

Gabe visibly gets more irate. "No shit Ginny! How do you guys want to do that?"

No one speaks up and Gabe pinches his nose.

"Listen, guys. I'm sorry for being such an asshole about this, but I just know we are better than this."

Nate can't help but nod. It's true, and everyone knows it. Today, the media asked the same few questions over and over again with some variation. How are they so out of touch this year, what are they going to work on going forward, and what the hell happened over the summer to them to warrant such a poor start to the season? Nate was basically given a script by the Avs's media relations people on what to say so he basically parroted that sheet. The other guys are more comfortable in front of the cameras so they could ad-lib. Nate could not.

The Avalanche's GM, Joe Sakic even came down with them for that media day. Nate shook his hand and Joe slapped his shoulder. "Hey Nathan, good to see you. Let's start making some goals, hey?" Nate had froze, unsure of what to say. Sakic’s face Nate was pretty sure was supposed to look jovial saying it but his eyes reflected the honesty of his words. 

Gabe collapses in a heap on the end of his couch and takes a deep breath. Nate couldn’t imagine being a team captain. The stress and the personal responsibility would be unbelievable. He has no idea how Gabe and Sid do it. And Gabe is a good captain, he's level-headed and smart. Nate knows that this isn't easy on him because Gabe likes logic. Logically, they should be better than this. Logically, they should be even better than last year. 

Nate was trying. He felt like all he ever did these days was try.

X

December 18th find the Avalanche on the road to Pittsburgh. 

He's on the phone with Sid in the empty Avalanche locker room, throwing a few last minute things into his duffle like his headphones and extra socks. He's rummaging under his bench and listening to Sid vent out some frustration. Sid has been having a bit of beef with one of the new guys on the Penguins and he keeps Nate up to date with the drama. The guy sounds like an asshole to Nate, but Sid is much more diplomatic. 

"He's driven, for sure."

"Driven, Sid? He sounds like a chirpy asshole."

He finds his extra tape roll and also throws that in his bag.

"Well he is I guess. But I wish he would lay off Harrington. He's one of the youngest guys on the team. And Harrington has a lot of potential he just needs to work on his feet, it's shitty, boring stuff to work on, but I swear..."

Sid goes on and Nate takes one last look at his bench. He thinks he has everything. He zips his duffle and throws his suit jacket over it to minimize wrinkles on the plane ride. He heads for the door to join the rest of the guys waiting for the bus in the garage of the arena.

He tunes back in just in time to hear, "...so you should stay at mine tonight."

Nate's heart thumps uncomfortably in his chest. "Uh...wait, what? Sorry Sid, I was just packing up, what did you say?"

"You should stay here tonight. At mine. I have a guest room. It's a bit of mess but I'll throw things in a closet." He pauses. "Just don't open the closet. Problem solved."

Nate snorts but his brain can't seem to grasp what is going on right now. "Um, sure man - I mean that would be awesome but I don't want to like, I don't know...impose."

He can picture Sid waving off his worry. "No man, it'll be good. We can go out for beers afterwards and you can meet some of the guys."

"Wow, um sure, that sounds awesome. I'll have to tell Liz and Gabe but yeah, let's do it." Nate is blushing. He can't help it. He feels like a twelve year old girl going over to her crush's house for the first time. 

"Great, uh I'll see you on the ice I guess."

Nate smiles, now with the rest of the Avs as they are loading the bus. "Yeah, see you then."

A memory of last year comes to him suddenly, "And hey Sid? Don't break my ankles this game, okay?"

Sid honks his laugh and fires back instantly, "Well don't fall for the oldest fake out in hockey, Nathan."

"Sidney."

"Nathan."

Nate's laughing and for once he doesn't give a shit that the guys see or hear him. Tys or anyone else who cares can fuck themselves.

"You're such an ass. See you in a bit."

"See you soon."

X

Nate's hands shake taping his stick for a different reason than last year. Last year, he was nervous. This year, they just shake all the time.

The locker room is quiet, they all seem to acknowledge they are heading in for a loss. The pre-game playlist is almost obnoxiously loud in hopes of inspiring them. Nate isn't sure it's working. He has started to listen to his own music with headphones before games, tuning everything else out and only unplugging for the pre-game shit like the coaches strategy, the line-ups and line discussions. The loud Eminem song drowns out Nate's emotions and he tries to focus. It's challenging though.

Sid's here. Somewhere in this building, Sid is here. Nate hasn't seen him in person since the end of summer.

Having the conversation with their player manager Liz was less painful than Nate thought it would be. He explained that a hotel tonight wasn't necessary and he was staying with a friend. "Oh, super, you are going to stay with Sidney. I'll let Zeads know." Nate had floundered, gapping at her for a few seconds. Liz had looked up from her phone and scoffed. "Nathan, come on. I know everything." and she went back to her phone, clearly dismissing Nate. He scampered back to his seat on the plane and decided that Liz was a witch.

Coming down the tunnel with the lights and the music so loud it shudders the stadium glass, Nate's feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest. They shoot off onto the ice with some cheers and a handful of half-hearted boos. Nate circles around on the dark ice focusing on shooting some pucks and looking like he knows what he's doing. 

"And now, please welcome, your hometown team, the Pittsburgh Penguinnns!" The Pens streak out onto the ice and the stadium roars.

Nate, of course, spots him right away.

He grins privately to himself and shifts into game mode. Sid doesn't look at him or acknowledge him at all and Nate doesn't allow the hurt to come. Because Nate gets it. He knows Sid. He knows, that above all else, Sid is a competitive asshole. He's here to win, or at least play his damn best and it's nothing personal.

Nate skates over to the bench for the anthem and takes off his helmet. His hands aren't shaking and his ears are quiet.

”Ladies and gentlemen, if you could stand if you’re able and remove your hats for the singing of the anthem…”

X

The game goes well. The Avalanche lose (of course) but they could have played worse. Nate keeps his nose clean and manages to not get any penalties for the Avs. A few times, Nate and Sid met at the faceoff dot and Nate loses every time. He doesn't care. For the first time this season, Nate actually enjoys the game. It's fun, not frustrating, and he tries to make a few sneaky changes to his game that he wasn't brave enough to try against anyone else. Things in his wrists, weight transfers, those kinds of things. He thinks they help and resolves to try them again at practices. 

After the game, the guys shower, dress and make plans for the night. Nate notices a few times that Tys glances over at him but Nate doesn't offer to announce his plans to the team. His back is turned to the locker room and he's shrugging on his winter coat when Gabe, O'Reilly, Johnny and Zino come up to him. Tys trails behind their pack with his hands in his pockets. Most of the team is already gone to find whatever they are after and it's just a handful of them left.

"Nate Dogg let's go get some food."

Sid hasn't texted Nate yet but that's understandable after a win. There is usually a bit more celebrating, game reviews and media. 

"Uh, sure. Yeah, I guess. Let me just check something real quick." Nate quickly pulls out his phone to fire off a text to Sid just letting him know where they are going.

Gabe's eyebrows furrow and Tys's eyes are like lasers. Nate's always been a bit of a weirdo though so the rest of the group don't question him. Instead they fall into a debate of where they want to eat. That age-old debate is a long and frustrating one, (Nate knows from experience) so he knows he has about 2 - 3 minutes. 

Suddenly there is a small commotion in the hallway outside the locker room and the guys stop their monologues about Chinese food vs. Indian food to look at the door. The sounds die off and then there is a tentative knock on the door. Everyone looks around at each other, bewildered. If it was Ave's staff they would have just entered. Rink staff come and go like it's nothing and media aren't ever allowed in locker rooms without the players knowing ahead of time. An Avalanche behind Nate literally mumbles, "what the hell..."

Nate smiles. Without seeing who it is, Nate just knows.

Gabe, bravely, pulls open the door. Sid, Malkin, Flower, and Letang stand in the doorway looking a bit sheepish. There is a brief pause of confusion and then Gabe exclaims and hugs Sid. Sid laughs and claps Gabe's back and then there is a lot of hugging and many "Hey man, good to see ya"s being thrown around. Despite the loss, there is no bad blood between them. Many of these guys have been playing together for years. 

Nate slips his phone into his pocket, moving forward in the pack and gets an armful of Sid. Sid clings to him and Nate feels like he can finally breathe. It's been 4 and a half months.

Just as quick Nate has to let him go and he hates himself for it. The roomful of guys are all chatting, ribbing each other already and no one cares but Nate can't risk Sid's reputation. He takes a step back and traces his face with his eyes. "Hey man. Long time no see."

Sid's eyes are warm on Nate’s face and Nate wants to kiss him.

It’s not the first time Nate’s thought about it but it is the most powerful one yet. The compulsion is heady, locker room full of guys or not, and Nate has to take a breath. 

I love you. Can you see it?

”Yeah. Wow it’s good to see you. I think you got even taller.” Sid’s hand comes up and swipes at his jaw. Nate’s skin lights up and his breath hitches. “You’ve got a nice bit of peach fuzz going on too. Very nice, very distinguished.”

Nate laughs and rubs at his poor excuse for stubble. “Yeah hoping to grow my playoff beard now since we won’t be making it this year.”

Sid scoffs. “Lots of hockey left.”

“Hey!” 

Everyone turns to Flower and Letang who appear to be the “little shits” but Penguins edition. “We are going to go out.” Fleury claps his hands.

“We are going to have some food.” Another clap. Sid glances back at Nate smiling and Nate is helpless to it.

“We are going to get drinks.” Clap.

”We are then all going to crash at our Brave Commander’s place and drink his drinks.” Clap, clap.

Sid starts to protest, “Wait, no hang on -“ but the ball is rolling and there is nothing Sid can do about it now. The Avalanche guys throw the rest of their stuff together for the equipment managers to pack, grab what they need and then they all storm out of the locker room, hooting and hollering.

Sid and Nate follow a bit behind brushing shoulders. “Well. I hope you don’t mind sharing a bed with 3 Penguins tonight. Careful of G, he’s a cuddler.”

Nate laughs. “I’m sure I can manage. He looks like a good cuddler anyways. I might be in for a treat.” Malkin, or Geno or G as Sid calls him, is the quiet but deadly alternate of the Penguins. The Russian-born centre's English was apparently "just brutal" so he doesn't speak too much. Sid had told Nate sitting around Sid's backyard fire in the summer that after Sochi Olympics him and Geno got closer, or at least as close as the language barrier allowed. Sid had captained Team Canada to victory, Gino did not with Team Russia. Insult to injury, they had to resume playing together a week later for the Penguins. Sid had said it was tough but that they had sat down and talked. Ever since then, they appear to be unlikely but sincere friends. Geno's English is getting better Sid stubbornly claims, but he did admit to Nate that Geno still refuses to learn anyone's name on the team. Geno in interviews has started to open up a bit more about Sid on and off the ice and the praise for Sid from such a proud guy is pretty remarkable. Then again, Nate stands by it - it's hard not to love Sid.

True to Fleury's word, they find a restaurant first. Nate has three beers.

Next they find a bar. Nate has two more.

Approaching midnight, Flower leads them down a dark alley that looks suspicious as hell and he knocks on a non-descript steel grey door. Nate nudges Sid (who is also about 6 beer deep) and throws him a worried glance. Sid just smiles at him, apparently missing Nate's alarm. Either that, or he just doesn't care that Nate is convinced that Flower is going to kill them all.

A small, mousy looking man pops out of the door and takes one look at them all and gestures for them to come in. No one says a word except Tys, with a whispered, "what the fuck".

Flower leads the charge followed by O'Reilly and they troop down a narrow carpeted stairwell. Nate isn't too huge but he feels like he has to shrug his shoulders coming in, a weird paranoia overwhelming him that he is going to get stuck. Sid, behind him, can see him tense and he lays a hand on Nate's shoulder. It helps.

They pour into what can only be described as an underground speakeasy. It's deceivingly large and fairly busy and in Nate's beer addled brain he is floored by how pretty it is. Gabe whistles and Nate can't help but agree. It's walls are a deep teal blue, the polished marble floor is white and gold accents decorate the bar tops and curtains that hang on the walls. Respectable techno jazz is loud but not too loud to discourage conversation. The bartenders are all in suits and ties for Christ's sake, deep maroon tailored vests and white collared shirts.

They attract a bit of attention with how large their group is and a few patrons turn to look at them. It's clear they recognize Sid but they look for about a minute, smile, and go back to their conversations. It's a clear message of respect that they don't swarm them, making Nate believe that they are likely used to celebrities like Sid coming in here.

Nate feels horribly underdressed. Tys, however, is in his element. "Hell yes, this is sick!"

They find a table large enough and Nate settles in between Letang (Tanger) and Sid. They have to sit rather close together for all of them to fit and Nate's knee presses into Sid's thigh. Tys sits down across from them and definitely notices how close they are sitting. With a swoop of panic, Nate tries to put some distance between him and Sid. He physically can't though so Nate gives up and clenches his teeth. If Tys wants to be a little asshole about it he can go through Nate. On Nate's left, Tanger starts asking Nate about his season so far and Nate dives in, tongue significantly loosened by the booze. Letang, or Kristopher Joseph Pierre Irwin Letang (such a ridiculous name in Nate's opinion) is a great guy. A fellow Canadian from Montreal, he's dark haired and funny. Throughout the night, him and Flower have been rapid fire conversing in French and Nate doesn't attempt to keep up. He's played with Sid for years and Sid frequently has remarked to Nate on how solid he is on the ice. Nate also remembers reading about how he lost his best friend in a motorcycle accident years ago and Nate's brain keeps getting stuck on it. He couldn't imagine.

Sid pipes in every now and then, but he mostly seems content to sit back and listen, his warm eyes focusing on Nate's face when he speaks. Nate feels dizzy and warm and is finding it hard to concentrate on much else besides the solid muscle of Sid's thigh. Shots appear, then disappear and then appear again and Nate is slowly getting hammered. Him and Sid have been drunk a few times during the summer, but not often. Alcohol is just empty calories so they stayed mostly away. During the majority of the summer though, Nate was blissfully ignorant towards his feelings for Sid.

Now he is not. 

Tys warms up a bit and starts contributing with tales of a bar fight in Denver he saw one time (how they got to that topic is a mystery to Nate) and Nate can't help himself and laughs along. He missed Tys. He's still pissed, and he doesn't think they can ever go back to where they were before, but Tys was his closest friend on the team. Tys and Sid seem to have known each other previously and Tys is able to get Sid laughing and chipping in more. It's a strange turn of events and Nate resolves not to overthink it. Another shot appears in front of him and down it goes.

Zino is trying to hit on a pretty waitress, Johnny is arguing with Geno about vodka, Gabe is lecturing Flower and O'Reilly about types of hockey tape. Empty cups and shot glasses litter the table and the temperature in the room seems to be skyrocketing. In other words, they are all getting wasted.

Nate's eyes keep catching on Sid's face and he can't stop. Sid is also hammered, his eyes are glassy and a flush is creeping up his neck and into his face. The booze allows Nate to look longer than socially appropriate but Nate doesn't give a shit. God, he missed him. It feels like a dream to be here with him now in this strange underground bar. He's going to savour this. He needs this to get him through the rest of this shit-show of a season. 

A few more shots and then they have to go. If they don't leave now, there is a very real chance they will still be drunk on the plane back to Denver tomorrow. Nate snickers to himself picturing Liz's disgust if that were to happen and resolves to not subject her to that. Cabs are called and everyone drunkenly hugs their goodbyes. Geno, surprising everyone, actually hugs Nate. Nate is stunned and tries to snap to attention quick enough but the booze makes him slow.

"Nice to meet you man." Geno slurs into Nate's ear and Nate catches Sid's eyes over Geno's shoulder. Sid is killing himself laughing at the expression on Nate's face.

"Nice to meet you too, Geno. Good luck man." Nate slaps his back and it's over.

Gabe, also drunk, kisses Nate's cheek and reminds him to be on the plane tomorrow. "Yes, dear." Nate huffs and hugs him back.

Flower, Letang, O'Reilly and Johnny all pile haphazardly into one cab, while Zino, Gabe, Tys and Geno throw themselves into another. There is a quiet understanding that Nate and Sid are going to be staying together. No one acknowledges it and Nate feels strangely powerful with it. Sid and Nate wave goodbye and watch them push each other around getting settled like children.

Sid plucks Nate's sleeve. "C'mon. I don't live too far away."

Sid's condo is in a very new and expensive looking high-rise tower. There is a doorman at the door despite the late hour and he doesn't raise an eyebrow or even really notices that it's Sid. Sid thanks him regardless of course. Getting into the elevator Nate starts to panic. His hands begin to shake and he stuffs them in his pockets so Sid can't see. What if Nate doesn't know how to do this anymore? How to be normal around Sid? God Nate wants to kiss him. The booze, his hormones and his anxiety war within him and Sid is just chatting lightly with him about the night. A low simmering arousal wins out and Nate blushes, trying his damn best to tamp it down.

Sid keys into his apartment and Nate is thrown for a second. The whole condo is floor-to-ceiling windows making it look like it opens up to the sky. Pittsburgh, the Steel City, is lit up and bright at night. From up here Nate can spot various Christmas lights on store fronts or decorating the downtown. Compared to Sid's Grand Lake house, this one is very different. With its modern furnishings, white floors, walls and ceilings, stainless steel touches and glass it almost is the polar opposite of Sid's Halifax home. Sid’s Grand Lake house felt like Sid. This apartment belongs to Sidney Crosby.

“Wow, man. This is huge.” Nate turns around and tries to take it all in.

“Yeah it’s a bit much. Especially since I’m not here half the time.” Sid throws his coat in a closet and gestures for Nate to hand him his. “But the view is pretty great.”

Nate can’t argue with that.

Like last time, Sid takes him on a tour. It’s not actually that massive, the high ceilings and windows make it look bigger than it is, so all in all it takes about 15 minutes. Sid’s room is obviously set up for two people, and a lip balm and glasses case is on the opposite nightstand. “Kathy was just here for a visit, I keep forgetting to send her stuff to her.” Sid explains as he flicks off the light and closes the door, marking the end of the tour.

Nate breaks his Kathy Issue rule (he blames the booze) and engages in the Kathy Conversation. “But she’ll be back soon here anyways right? I mean, she must practically live here.”

Sid shrugs and they walk back to the kitchen. “She comes and goes. I’m so busy that even when she’s here I never really see her anyways.”

There are several avenues with which Nate could go next. Nate goes with the dumbest one.

"Isn’t that, I dunno man…weird?” 

Sid pulls them down some tumblers and gets ice from his fridge. He doesn’t answer for a few seconds and Nate starts to kick himself and his stupid mouth. Sid then pours them a healthy portion of what looks like expensive whiskey.

"I don’t know man. I don’t think hockey players are supposed to have normal relationships.” Sid eventually answers and he levels Nate with his warm gaze. In this light, Sid’s eyes are almost gold, like polished bronze and there is something…different. Something that makes Nate’s insides squirm. Obviously, Nate is head over heels for the guy, but it’s something in Sid’s eyes that makes him pause.

Nate’s losing his mind. He curses Flower’s name for making him take all those shots.

“Uh yeah. I guess. As long as she’s good with it I suppose.” Nate’s an idiot and that’s an idiotic thing to say. He takes a sip of his whiskey. 

“Well you had Vanessa for a bit there, she understood right?” Sid says and moves over to the couch, closer to the windows and the dizzying view.

Nate follows, nodding. Him and Vanessa called it quits once Nate realized he would never feel the same way about her the way he felt about Sid. It was amiable, and Vanessa didn’t seem surprised. They chatted every now and then as friends and Nate discovered that he liked being her friend far more than her boyfriend. 

“Sure, yeah she understood. But we weren’t living together, man.”

Sid flops on the couch with a sigh. “Kathy and I live our own lives. Sometimes they intertwine, sometimes they don’t. We’ve worked like that for years.” He pauses, and looks out the window. “I don’t think I’d know how to do it otherwise. The whole relationship thing.”

Nate frowns. “But you love her?”. Nate scolds himself again. The masochistic tendencies is on another level tonight. 

Sid shrugs, “Well, yeah. I don’t think anyone else would put up with me.” He laughs at the self-deprecation and sips his whiskey.

I would. I would do it until you told me to stop. And even then I still would. 

Nate swallows a mouthful of whiskey and pushes all of that away. Or he tries to.

“It’s just. It’s - “ Sid sighs and Nate can tell he’s fighting off the booze warring in his brain to enunciate his thoughts. “I dunno man. I guess I’m just…” Sid picks at a spot on his glass, “different.”

Nate can feel his confusion on his face but Sid looks so uncomfortable that Nate hates to push him. Sid doesn’t want Nate to see him like this yet, that much is clear. They are much closer than they were last year, but there are things that they still don’t know about each other. Nate has a million questions but he hates that look on Sid’s face to so he offers an easy out.

”I’ve seen your laundry room dude. Both laundry rooms. You are a freak.” Sid looks up and tilts his head in confusion. “You actually separate all your shit? Whites with whites?” Sid starts to laugh which was Nate’s goal. “Who does that? What hockey player, does that?” Nate leans back into the couch. “It’s not natural man.”

“What am I supposed to do? Throw it all in one?” 

“Yes! Like the Lord intended!”

“That’s stupid. What if something dyes it all pink?” Nate just shrugs. “And I am fairly certain the Lord did not decree any of that and you’re full of shit.” Sid is grinning at him, his eyes catching the light.

Nate allows it, after all Sid is the religious one, not him. The cross he perpetually has around his neck sparks in the low light. It sobers Nate slightly.

“Do you think it helps?” Nate gestures to Sid’s cross. 

Sid fishes it out from under his shirt and holds it up. “I dunno. It helps me, I guess. I’ve been very lucky in life. It helps me to think of a higher power sometimes and be grateful for what I have.” He looks thoughtfully at it then over at Nate. “Why?”

”My family was never religious. Never grew up with it. It always just seemed like a lot of rules.”

Nate can think of one rule in particular that the broader Catholic community Sid belongs to would reprimand Nate for. He wonders about Sid’s beliefs on it. If he would think Nate is disgusting or sick for it. 

Suddenly his tremor waves over him with such force that he has to put his glass down sharply.

"Nate? Hey, whoa, you’re shaking - you okay?”

Nate grits his teeth, pissed at his stupid body. Sid shouldn’t see this, Sid shouldn’t be burdened with his issues. His ears are starting to ring and he tries to take deep breaths. He’s going to break something. He has to break something. The edges of his vision are going fuzzy and his whole body tremors now despite him trying to clench every muscle to try to control it.

"Nate. Nate, hey…” Sid tentatively reaches out and clasps his arms. The violence of Nate’s tremor shakes Sid’s arms like some kind of fucked up electrical current.

Through chattering teeth he grits out, “I’m okay, it’s okay. I’m sorry - it will pass. I’m okay.”

Deep breaths. 

He can do this. He can control it.

He focuses on Sid’s warm hands on his arms. 

X

Slowly he comes back to himself, aware that he is very warm. He is on his back looking up at the ceiling. The tremors have gone, thankfully. The light outside is that dove grey of early morning and he is on Sid’s couch still. His mouth feels gritty and disgusting and he can’t seem to move. The reason becomes apparent when he looks down.

Sid is plastered to his front, literally weighing him down to try to stop Nate’s shaking. He must have arranged them when Nate blacked out and draped himself over him to hold him down. Nate’s eyes fill with tears. Sid is softly snoring.

He is embarrassed of course but the gratitude and the love that Nate feels for this remarkable young man is incredible. In this moment, that far outweighs the shame. They will have to talk about how messed up Nate is of course, but in a way he’s so grateful that it’s Sid. That it’s Sid there to catch him.

Nate gently wraps his arms around Sid’s back, careful not to wake him. A few tears escape and leak down into Nate’s ears. Suddenly, he’s exhausted. He holds Sid tighter and closes his eyes.

X

When he wakes again, Sid is off his chest and no where to be found. Nate scrambles up and immediately regrets it - the hangover from last night is brutal. He groans and puts his head in his hands.

There is a note on the coffee table and Nate recognizes Sid’s writing. 

Hey! Had to go to team skate. Take these, drink some water and call me when you’re back in Denver.

It was awesome seeing you man. Merry Christmas.

Sid had drawn a dorky little Christmas tree and several arrows pointing to two Advil on the paper. Nate snorts but he feels his whole body deflate. He wanted to say goodbye. He didn’t want to end on that ugly of a note.

He takes the Advil and drinks the water. Like a robot, he packs up his things, uses the bathroom and washes his face. He avoids looking at himself in the mirror.

At the door he takes one last look at Sid’s apartment. He wonders if he’ll ever see it again. He quietly closes the door and it locks behind him.

X

The guys that went out with them are also not doing too hot, so they mercifully don’t ask about his night with Sid on the plane home. The whole team had been pretty subdued; for once, chatter was at a minimum. Nate was still feeling emotionally flayed, so he had put his headphones in and pretended to sleep.

Back in Denver, Nate sleeps for almost the entire day. He wakes up to piss and eat and then it’s back in his dark, cool bedroom. Nate wakes up a few times to texts and a couple of phone calls that he doesn’t answer. He leaves his phone in his living room and honestly forgets about it.

They have an away game in Buffalo the next day so Nate drags himself to practice, listening to the same critiques from the coaches about their lack of aggression and defensive play. They are dismissed to shower and change for the plane and Nate goes through it all like he’s in a dream. A few of the guys joke around with him and he tries to rally for them, tries to find himself in the mess of his mind.

They win against Buffalo and the guys celebrate breaking their losing streak. Nate thinks they are being a bit optimistic (it’s Buffalo, after all) but he smiles and joins in on the after game awards the team does. Then it’s back to another hotel, sleep, back on the plane and then Philly. Another hotel, another game, another win, another plane.

And so it goes. 

X

It’s 2015 and Nate is pretty sure they are in Florida. This year he didn’t go home for Christmas due to such a tight turnaround with near back to back games. His family video conferenced with him on Christmas Day and it was fine. They updated him on the progress of the house on Grand Lake and Nate quickly changed the subject.

He has about 10 missed calls and about 20 texts from Sid since Pittsburgh. They range from friendly check-ins to outright worry. Nate feels sick when he looks at them and hates himself more and more as the days go by. 

Once again, he is losing weight daily. His teammates have definitely noticed he’s been weird since Christmas but he thinks they suspect he was just sad to be missing Christmas at home in Nova Scotia. 

His tremors seem to have stopped - either that or he doesn’t notice them anymore. At least he sleeps, but arguably too much, finding himself exhausted no matter what he does. He has started to sleep on the plane to and from games, a trait he never was able to do previously. 

He keys into his hotel room and throws his bags on the floor. They just played against Tampa Bay (the Avs lost) and tomorrow it’s another plane to St. Louis. It’s late, around midnight, and all Nate wants to do is sleep. He shucks off his shoes and suit and crawls into bed. There is a sudden click of a key card at the door and Nate bolts upright. Of all people, Gabe pokes his head around the door frame. Once he spots Nate he comes into the room closing the door behind him. Gabe shoots him a withering look but he’s on the phone with someone, clearly listening with intensity. Nate throws up his hands about to protest when Gabe speaks into the phone. 

“Yeah, he’s here. Yep. Yeah that’s - yeah.” Gabe looks up at Nate and seems to assess him. “Honestly? He looks like shit.”

Nate flips him off but Nate immediately knows who it is and starts to feel sick. 

“Yeah for sure man. Anytime.”

Gabe wordlessly hands Nate the phone. It’s not an offer and it’s not a suggestion. Nate feels like he might puke and really wishes Gabe wasn’t here for this. 

Nate takes a deep breath and puts it to his ear. 

“Sid.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Nate.”

Nate covers his eyes with his hands. The lights are suddenly extremely bright in here.

“I’m sorry.”

There is a long pause and Nate can picture him clear as day. He’s thinking, probably pacing. More than a little hurt and pissed beyond words. 

“Did I do something wrong?”

Immediately Nate is crying. He can’t be bothered to give a fuck about Gabe being here. 

“No, god - Sid no.”

“What’s going on?”

And Nate tells him the whole thing. The anger, the anxiety, the way he can’t seem to score a goal to save his life, the tremors, how tired he is every single day - Nate tells him everything. It’s long and painful and Gabe sits on the end of Nate’s bed silently and just listens. He feels dull with it, like it's not his life that he's talking about, more like a stranger's. At the end, he feels like he can barely sit upright.

“Nate…”

”No, Sid. No. I can’t always burden you with my crap. I’m fucked up and I don’t know why. I can’t drag you into it too.” That will be a very cold day in Hell before Sid gets any damage inflicted upon him from Nate’s nuclear blast. Nate will make sure of that. “I don’t know why you even are friends with me man, I’m a wreck.”

“It’s your sparkling personality and the fact that your car smells like shit - why do you think Nate? It's what friends do for each other, asshole.” 

Nate chokes out a watery laugh at that. 

“Nate…I know this isn’t easy and to have felt this shitty for this long would have been tough…but maybe you should talk to someone.”

A few tears escape at Sid’s words and Nate is so very ashamed. 

“What, like a shrink?”

“No, like a sports psychologist, someone who understands the life. I think they would really be able to help.”

Nate curls in on himself. “Because I can’t handle it?”

Sid laughs humourlessly, “No, because you’ve handled it for too long, man. All alone.”

Nate looks up at Gabe who nods. “I know lots of guys who’ve done it. They swear it helps.”

Nate is starting to feel a little like he’s being backed into a corner so his defenses go up. “They’re going to think I’m crazy. Put me on pills.”

"I had to be medicated. They had to do it for me.”

Nate’s brain goes offline. 

“What?”

Sid sighs and Nate can tell he’s settling into his couch. 

“After my last concussion. I, uh. Didn’t do well. I have issues with not being able to control my environment, it…fucked with my head.” He takes another big breath.

"Anyways, not being able to play hockey and not having any say in whether or not I could, or would, ever be able to play again was really hard. I started some nasty habits to try to drown out the stress in my brain. I had to be taken to the hospital by Taylor.” 

“I saw a specialist, a sports psychologist and he really helped me. I had to take some medications but I haven’t had to take them in a while. That was that, and I was able to get back to playing again."

Nate is stunned. “You never told me that.”

Sid snorts, “I’ve never told anyone that.”

They all sit for a moment and Sid offers, “Look. This life is amazing and brilliant but it’s also hard. It’s okay to feel like shit sometimes and there isn’t anything wrong with you if you do. But for me, and for Gabe, and for other people that love you, Nate - try. Try to care about yourself a little.”

Gabe offers in, "The whole team would be behind you, 100%."

Nate snorts at Gabe, "Sap." Gabe shoves his knee. But Nate thinks about it.

"I don't want anyone to know."

Gabe nods and Sid easily agrees. "It's no one's business but yours."

A pause, and then, "Gabe, I know this is your phone, but can I talk to Nate for a sec?" Sid asks.

Gabe stands up, nodding, "Absolutely. Nate, just give me my phone back in the morning, I don't need it tonight. It should have enough battery." Nate gets a light slap of affection on the shoulder and Nate smiles weakly at him. "Thanks man. Sorry...about all of this."

Gabe waves it off. "You're family, man. It's what families do."

"Goodnight Gabe. And thanks." Sid says quietly as Gabe shuts the door.

There is a tense moment of silence and Nate has no idea where to start. He picks off some fluff from his hotel duvet. 

"How mad are you?" Nate figures he might as well rip off the bandaid. 

"Pissed."

Nate sighs. Yep, he should have expected that. "I didn't want you to know."

Sid snaps back, "Yeah no shit. I kind of figured that out when you were having a panic attack on my couch Nate."

Nate curls in on himself, the embarrassment from that night still fresh in his mind. But Sid is not even close to being finished. 

'What, did you think I would judge you? Throw you out on the street? Stop being your friend?"

"Yes!" That's actually exactly what Nate was afraid of.

Sid makes an outraged sound, "Then that's even worse! You seriously think so little of me that you would think I could do that? To you?"

There is a loud sound that comes through the receiver and Nate grimaces. 

"Jesus Nate. I - don't even know where to begin." At least he doesn't sound angry anymore. He just sounds tired. "Remember this summer? I told you you could never be a burden to me? I wasn't lying, Nate. I hope you know that."

"But why?" Nate explodes, "Sid -seriously, why? What's so special about me? I'm just some kid from your hometown that wanted to be just like you when I'm older, except I'm fucked up and I drag you into my shit! How can you even stand me?"

"Because you're a shit cook! And you're a fucking awful dancer!" 

Sid's response is so unexpected that Nate's brain does a hard U-turn trying to keep up.

"...What -"

"Your car smells like roadkill and when you want something you look like you would burn the world down to get it. You are the single, most determined person I think I have ever met. Your jokes are so bad they physically hurt me sometimes and I'm 80 per cent sure you cheat at card games."

Nate takes a shaky breath.

"You're brave and smart. You listen to me talk about anything even if you couldn't care less, but you care because I care about it." Sid is quiet for a long time but the next part is near whispered, "How can you think so little of yourself?"

Nate closes his eyes against the hurt. His heart is hammering still from their argument. Just like always, Sid continues to surprise him. 

"I'm sorry."

Sid takes a few deep breaths, his tirade over. "Fuck, Nate - just...don't do this again okay? Talk to me, please. When I can't be there physically to help?" There is an edge of desperation in Sid's voice and Nate breathes, "You really were medicated."

It's not what is important right now but it does make Nate realize a few pieces of the Sid puzzle that make a lot more sense in hindsight.

"Yeah. I was."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that alone." 

Sid laughs a bit hysterically, "So you can see why I don't want the same for you, right?"

Oh. Right.

Nate laughs at the irony of it all and a weight lifts from his chest.

"I miss you." It slips out and Nate is too tired to be embarrassed at the honesty. But Sid's response is immediate, "I miss you too. You scared the shit out of me man." Nate lays back in bed almost fully clothed with the lights still on. He has a flash of guilt at his words but Sid continues, "I knew you were alive at least when you played."

Nate grins, "You were watching me?"

"Shut up." Sid huffs. Nate's grin grows.

They breathe for a moment together and Sid asks, "Are you going to fall asleep?"

"No, I want to talk to you" which is followed immediately by a jaw-cracking yawn. 

"Yeah, yeah. Turn off the lights and I'll stay on the line." 

Nate obeys, pulling off his dress clothes as he goes and packing them into his duffle - wrinkles be damned. He crawls back into bed in the dark and he admittedly feels much better without his suit pants on. Sid is saying something but Nate can't hear so he ducks closer to the phone.

"Sorry, what?"

"Water, you have some?"

Nate grabs the opened water bottle on his nightstand and finishes it off.

"If I have to pee in the middle of the night, I'm blaming you."

"Fair."

He props up Gabe's phone on the pillows opposite him. He's quickly falling asleep but he has an irrational fear that Sid won't be there when he wakes up so he tries to fight it.

"Thank you" Nate whispers.

Sid laughs a bit, "Anything. Anytime." 

Can you tell?  Can you hear it in my voice? 

He says something else but Nate is asleep before he can hear it.

X

Chapter Text

The rest of the season goes by in a blur.

Nate deals a little better with his emotions and when everything is too much, he calls Sid. Sid seems to know if Nate needs a distraction or if he needs to just sit on the phone with Nate. How he knows is beyond Nate, but he is incredibly grateful all the same. The Penguins continue to play well, and they are looking down the pipe at a playoff spot, likely against the Rangers for the first round. Sid gets quieter and quieter as the playoffs approach and Nate recognizes Sid starting to retreat into "playoff mode". They still make time for each other though, and they call each other every few days.

The tremors are persistent, but Nate feels like he is surfacing from being underwater for 6 months. The anger that follows him around on the ice lessens but never disappears. At an embarrassing only 14 points this season (compared to his 68 last year) Nate has resigned himself to a disappointing end of the 2014 - 2015 season. To rub salt in the wound, Nate gets an email that the Calder Trophy he won last year for Rookie of the Year finally got his inscription on the base. The League emailed him some photos and "their heartfelt congratulations". He feels like throwing his phone out the plane window when he gets that email. 

Gabe, being the wonderful human being he is, does not tiptoe around Nate and still demands better from him. He is a bit more patient, but he doesn't treat Nate any different than the rest of the guys. Nate at first was a bit weirded out by this, expecting some touchy-feely crap from Gabe, but as the months go on, Nate is overcome with gratitude for him. 

Tys also comes around a bit. It starts with a knock on Nate's hotel room door after a game with Tys holding two beers. He wordlessly shoves one into Nate's chest and waltzes past Nate into his room. The beer is cold, and Nate is tired of not talking to him so they stay up until 1:00 shooting the shit and playing Words with Friends. Tys wins every time and Nate is laughing too hard to care. Tys never brings up Sid except to ask how he's doing. Talking about Sid no longer feels like a minefield and Nate appreciates Tys’s careful acceptance. From the hotel night on, Tys is back to being his plane buddy and Nate is surprised with how good it feels to have him in his corner again. Nate excitedly updates him on his house construction and Tys makes plans for week-long stays with him golfing and swimming at Grand Lake. 

Overall, Nate just wants to go home. The days are getting a bit longer, the snow is melting in Denver and he wants nothing more than to put this nightmare of a season behind him.

X

They are playing against Minnesota. Again.

If Nate never were to see those ugly-ass green and yellow jerseys ever again he would die a happy man. The Wild are their usual, shitty selves and the game is not going well for the Avs. Tys, beside him on the bench, is jumpy and flinches whenever someone gets hit. Last season, he was knocked out cold with a dirty hit from Minnesota's Matt Cooke. Nate was so pissed with Tys all season that he didn't really realize how shaky the Wild still make him. Nate tries and fails to not to berate himself for not noticing it sooner. Nate slaps Tys’s knee to give him a bit of a boost and in return Tys knocks his shoulder. Roy shouts the change and Nate hops the boards and takes off after the puck.

He circles the Avs's zone on the right and follows the puck as it curls around the boards. He's moving fairly quickly and lifts his head just in time to get his head slammed into the boards. His nose audibly cracks.

The pain bursts across his vision and he hysterically thinks that his nose went backwards into his brain. He almost falls to his knees, holding his nose clumsily with his gloves as blood pours out of his nose. He blinks and breathes through the pain, waiting for a whistle that never comes. He is distantly aware of Roy and Gabe screaming at the refs, even as the play continues. With no other choice, he skates over the bench near blind. The trainers John and Mike grab him by the jersey and haul him in. They push his hand away and press wet towels to his nose to stop some of the blood and hustle him down the tunnel. The first aid team is there, ready and Nate sits down in a heap on one of the benches. He can hear the game continue, the hometown Avs fans obviously upset with how that all went down. They poke at his nose, tape up a small cut on it and clean up the majority of the blood. He clues into the fact that he's talking and likely has been talking this whole time. "I'm going back in. It's just a nose, guys. I'm good. I'm going back in." They ignore him. 

Now that the initial pain has past and he knows his nose isn't tunneling to his brain, he feels okay. His jersey is a mess, but there isn't much anyone can do for a broken nose. It hurts, but that's about it. They finish with him and one of their assistant coaches, Terry, jogs into the room. He takes one look at Nate and then makes eye contact with one of the first aiders. "He good?" The young first aid guy kind of shrugs and that's good enough for Nate. He is handed a cheese grater like he's back in the juniors, his nose is taped and he is back on the ice. All in all, it takes about 5 minutes.

From then on though, the game dissolves. Mikko Koivu won't fucking leave Gabe alone and Gabe has clearly had it. Nate can tell Gabe is trying to keep a level head but with less than ten seconds to go in the third, Roy sends out Cody McLeod. McLeod is a textbook instigator. Not much of a hockey player, but a shit disturber through and through. He zeros on on Mikko and Gabe. The insults and chirps start flying and Nate can see Gabe grit his teeth and bear it. Koivu starts firing back roping McLeod and Gabe into it and that is the final straw. Gabe snaps.

Gabe throws his gloves and suddenly Nate is in a fight. His stupid helmet at least protects his broken nose as a nearby Wild starts swinging at him. Nate ducks and evades him and Tys comes out of nowhere and starts hammering the guy going after Nate. It's chaos, the stadium is deafening and Nate looks over at Gabe. Gabe looks like an animal - him and Koivu have their helmets off and are wailing on each other with a ferociousness that the League will not be happy with. The refs are trying to get involved but Nate knows, once Gabe is dedicated to something, like murdering Koivu in front of 20,000 people, there is not much anyone can do.

They pull them apart finally, Gabe looking like a handsome madman, spitting curses at Koivu in Swedish and English all the while. He is forced down the tunnel along with Koivu and the ice cleaners come out and try to patch the ice. There is about three seconds left in the third and Nate doesn't really see the point. He picks up one of Gabe's gloves and his stick and passes it over the bench for the equipment managers.

They drop the puck one last time and the horn blows.

They troop off the ice in various states of injury and disarray. Gabe is still in his gear in the dressing room pacing and yelling at the trainers who are trying to calm him down. He turns and sees Nate's nose properly for the first time and he goes white with fury. Nate pauses, unsure how to handle this.

Gabe storms through the dressing room on the way to Roy's office and Nate can feel his anger radiate off of him as he passes. The rest of the guys check in with him but Nate waves them off. He's okay, really. His real worry is his foot which twinges with pain as he pulls his skate off. It's been bothering him since Tampa Bay, but they X-rayed him and he didn't have a fracture so he plays on it. It only bothers him if he skates weird or when he's taking his skates off.

He pulls out his phone to see a few missed texts. One from his mom, obviously concerned, and three from Sid.

SC: Nate you okay?

SC: That looked nasty

SC: Dirty fucking hit. They should have called him on that

Nate smiles and chuckles.

NM: Sid it was a clean hit 

NM: And I'm okay :)

The response is immediate.

SC: No it wasn't! He threw his shoulder into it! Cheap ass hit I hope he gets a fucking reprimand

Sid is clearly fired up and Nate loves a fired up Sid but for his own sake, Nate talks him down.

NM: I'll have to look at the review but it was a shit show of a game anyways. I am okay

NM: You're going to laugh at me on Wednesday

NM: I have a CHEESE GRATER its so humiliating

SC: Lol i had to have one when i broke my jaw. I thought it looked nice

SC: Is Gabe okay?

NM: No one looks good in those Sid

NM: Even you

NM: And hard to say, I think he's getting his ass reamed out by management right now

And simultaneously, 

SC: McLeod is such an asshole

NM: McLeod fucking sucks

Nate laughs and finishes up.

X

Wednesday they are home again and for the first time, Sid is coming to him.

There is a restaurant in Denver Nate wants to take him to (not a date, not a date - his brain keeps getting confused) and he wants to show Sid Tys's favourite bar. The team can sense he's in good spirits and only Tys really know why. Tys mercifully doesn't rib Nate for it, he just smiles along with Nate's excitement with a slightly thoughtful look on his face.

Gabe did get a reprimand from the league for the Wild game but Gabe paid his fine and hasn't said anything since. The fury is constantly simmering on Gabe's face these days though, like that Wild game lit something inside of him. Every time Gabe sees Nate's two black eyes and broken nose, he gets thin lipped and bitchy. When Nate thinks about it too hard, his hands start to shake again and his ears ring. So he ignores Gabe's looks and focuses on texting Sid updates leading up to the Penguin's visit.

X

He grimaces in pain as he shoves his foot into his skates. Despite having a few days off, his foot is still bothering him. He's iced it, used heat, elevated it everything that the trainers insist he does, and it still kind of hurts. He stands though and tests it. Seems fine.

As always, he unplugs his headphones for the coach speech and the lineup call and allows himself to be excited. In a few hours, Sid is going to come stay at Nate's. He doesn't even care if they win or lose.

This game goes considerably better than the one against the Wild. For one, the Penguins are fucking professionals and they use their skill as a team to win - not their fists. Sid, as usual, ignores Nate on the ice and Nate loves it. Seeing Sid in his natural element is still intoxicating to Nate. If he can be in even a nearby radius of him, Nate's happy. A few times Nate catches himself remembering that he's supposed to be playing Sid, not just watching him roll through their defensive line like it's nothing.

Skating by G once though, he reaches out with his stick and taps Nate's pads to say hello. Nate smiles at him and G laughs at his broken face. 

The second period rolls around and Jarome scores a sweet little goal assisted by Gabe on a power play. The Penguins come more alive and the pace of play picks up. For once, Nate feels like they can keep up with them though. 

Near the end of the second Nate follows Hejda and Gabe down and sets up right at Flower's crease. Flower is chirping him good naturedly but also is swiveling around following the puck. Nate circles around trying to shake their D and ends up by Flower again. Hejda gets an opening and Nate reacts before his brain does. There is a lighting bolt of pain that lances up Nate's leg from his injured foot as the goal horn blasts. The guys all surround him and congratulate him and Nate tries to ignore his foot, still a bit unsure on how exactly he scored. He looks up to the jumbotron and watches the puck get fired right to his injured foot as he tries to control the puck at his skate and he ends up tipping it into the net. 

He hobbles back to the bench and the trainers are all over him, fussing with his foot. It does hurt, but it's subsiding a bit. He will be fine after. He wiggles his toes to try to get some movement and blood flowing and waits for his next shift.

X

After the game, the guys all have a plan to meet up and go for drinks. This time they meet outside the arena on the street. Sid is with Flower and G tonight, typing on his phone when Nate, Tys and O'Reilly meet up. Gabe got sucked into media and told them he'd meet them after at the bar.

Nate takes a moment just to watch Sid selfishly before he has to pretend all night in front of the guys. Sid is almost at his playoff weight and his hair is sticking straight up after his shower. As ever, he is hard to look directly at. Sid looks up when they approach and his eyes immediately seek out Nate. When he sees his face, he laughs. 

"Oh man."

Nate smiles and hugs him hard. "If you think this is bad, you should see the other guy." Sid laughs.

Nate says hi to G (again) and Flower ribs him for his goal tonight. They take off for a local bar (Tys's favourite) and they all fall into an easy comradery. 

Tonight, Nate takes it easier on the booze despite Flower's best efforts. Sid sits close beside him and that's enough to make Nate feel drunk. Sid however gets after it with the guys in terms of drinks and at one point has Nate's face in his warm hands. 

"Broke the shit out of it, hey?"

Nate huffs a laugh, "Yep. Crooked nose forever now. Look like a crowbar got to me." He can't stop looking at Sid's eyes as they track over Nate's face. His traitorous heart is pounding and he is certain Sid can feel it under his palms.

Sid hums and skims a thumb under one of his black eyes. Nate's breath hitches and heat pools low in his belly. He licks his lips and Sid's quick eyes catch it. 

Gabe bursts in on their group with a pitcher of beer in hand and Sid lets go of Nate's face. Nate feels like he just got pushed off of a ledge; his heart is racing and he is breathing too hard to be just sitting in a bar. He glances around at the guys to see if anyone noticed what just happened but they all are too happy to see Gabe or they don't appear to care.

Maybe Nate will get a little drunk tonight.

X

"Welcome, to my humble abode." Nate sweeps his arms around like an idiot and Sid snorts.

Nate's condo isn't anything to write home about, it is clean and modern but that's about it. It is about half the size of Sid's in Pittsburgh but Nate doesn’t care. Nate feels like he's hardly ever here anyway.

He takes Sid's coat and hangs it on the back of a chair and Sid nods, looking around. "It's nice."

"It's boring, but that's nice of you to say." Nate retorts. He gets them some bourbon that Tys left in his cupboard ages ago and pours them a drink. They chat about Nate's house construction and who is going to make playoffs.

Nate tries to forget that moment at the bar but it's impossible not too. The feeling of Sid's thumb on his cheek and the warmth of his eyes is something that Nate thinks he will remember forever. It may just be in Nate's head, but there is a tension between them now that wasn't there before. It feels messy and complicated because Nate always thinks of Sid like this, but now he isn't sure what is wishful thinking and what isn't.

He is starving and so Sid rolls his eyes affectionately and starts to rummage through Nate's fridge. He fries them up two omelets to go with the bourbon and it's so easy. So painfully easy to be here like this with Sid.

They take their spoils to the living room still chatting about whether or not the Wild will even make the playoffs this year with their goddamn attitude and they settle into Nate's couch. "Ah, hang on. Hot sauce, I'll grab it." Nate jumps up and steps out on his injured foot. His foot crunches underneath him and he smacks hard on the floor.

"Holy shit, Nate!" Sid is beside him in seconds, grabbing his arm and checking his head.

Nate is speechless with the pain and he grasps Sid's hand, "...foot, left foot." Sid nods and checks, his face going pale. 

"Nate..." 

It's bad, that much Nate knows from Sid's face but he has to look himself. "No, wait - Nate don't..." but he turns over anyway and promptly pukes. His foot is bent in half, stuck like that, his toes jutting out at an absurd angle. The pain that was bad before skyrockets and Nate nearly blacks out.

"Hospital. We are going to the hospital." Sid gently catches Nate's hands as he tries to click his foot back to where it is supposed to be. Nate can't argue but he tries to.

"I can go man, it's okay, just call me a cab..." Sid doesn't dignify that with a response, hauling Nate up against him. He balances Nate on his one good foot and grabs Nate's keys, wallet and his phone. Nate starts teetering and his injured foot briefly skims the ground. It feels so wrong brushing the ground that Nate vomits again. Sid catches him, not giving two shits about the puke and pulls Nate's arm around his neck. "It's okay, Nate. I got you."

Nate is pretty sure he blacks out a few times from here to Denver General. He is aware that they take a cab and is painfully aware of his foot. His tremors start, from either the shock or the stress. Sid takes his hands when he notices the shaking and he doesn't let go.

X

After the Tampa Bay game, the doctor's say it was only a matter of time. He didn't have a fracture then, but the bone took all it could with the shot tonight against Pittsburgh. He had a fracture from the Pittsburgh game on, the hot sauce retrieval just broke it more. 

He's on the good stuff, hooked up to an IV with morphine and he is pretty sure Sid being here is just his brain stuck in a drug-induced fantasy. It would be unbelievable if only Sid wasn't holding on to his hand, his thumb occasionally rubbing across Nate's knuckles. The doctors and nurses know who they are, but they are strictly professional and don't dare to question why NHL All-Star Sidney Crosby is holding Calder Trophy winner and fellow NHL player Nathan MacKinnon's hand in Emerg. They have probably seen it all.

"I'm sorry, Sid."

Sid looks like he was about to doze off and blinks up at Nate. They are waiting for the other doctor, a surgeon, to come and look at his foot and it's about 3:23 in the morning.

Sid smiles tiredly. "You're never going to make things easy for me, are you?" 

Nate huffs, dizzy on the drugs, "Probably not."

Sid laughs lightly and takes one of Nate's hands in both of his. His warm eyes scan Nate's broken face and Nate is so in love with him. 

X

Nate wakes up to someone running their hand through his hair.

"I have to go, our plane is about to leave. I phoned Gabe and Tys, they know where you are." A pause and then, "They are on their way."

Nate can't open his eyes but he desperately tries, "Sid -"

"Take it easy and call me when you're back home."

Goddamnit, Nate wants to see him just one more time but his body won't cooperate.

Warmth on his face and one last squeeze of his hand.

"I'll see you in Cole Harbour. I'll see you at home."

X

Chapter Text

"We'd like you to consider it."

Nate thumbs the invitation stamped with the IIHF logo and the Canadian maple leaf.

Nate clears his throat. "I mean, I am on board, it's just...I haven't played since I broke my foot, is that an issue?"

"No, not at all!" the chipper voice of Amy, a representative of the IIHF for Team Canada quickly responds, "We talked to your coach and trainers and they say you are cleared to play now anyways. Unless you aren't comfortable playing on it yet?"

The doctors had called it a miracle that he hadn't needed surgery at the time. It benched Nate for the rest of the Avs's season which honestly was pretty piss poor anyways. They didn't even make the playoffs, but Nate diligently watched every game with his cast and suit on. At first, Nate went stir crazy, not being able to play hockey. He remembers Sid struggling with his concussion and he gets it. Maybe not to the extent it affected Sid, but he gets it. The guys were great about it, bringing him treats and gossip. Tys practically lived on his couch for the first week and hovered around constantly. Once Nate started moving around better on his own, Tys seemed to relax and let Nate take a shit by himself in peace. He's grateful to Tys, of course, but it would be a lie to say that his hovering wasn't starting to get on Nate's nerves.

The Penguins are in the playoffs, like Nate predicted. Also like Nate predicted, they are paired up with the Rangers for the first round. Sid called him every day until the playoffs started checking in on his recovery, and now he only calls about once a week. Nate had waived off Sid's explanations and his apologies in advance. He gets it. Sid wants to win. Sid deserves to win.

"Um..." Nate hesitates just from the nerves. Representing Team Canada on the World Stage. It's not the Olympics, but it's close.

"Can I think about it?"

"Sure!" Amy exclaims, "We have some time. We just need to know in these next few weeks."

Nate releases a breath and is about to thank her when she speaks again, "By the way, a little birdie told me you're good friends with Sidney Crosby." Nate stiffens but listens carefully. "Is there any chance you can convince him to join us and captain Team Canada?"

Playing with Sid. For the first time ever.

Nate's brain races with the possibility.

"Uh, yeah, I mean I could ask. He's in playoffs right now though." Nate is going to have to time this perfectly if this is going to work. Playing with Sid, as Nate's captain...

It's troubling how quickly that thought immediately ignites heat up Nate's spine.

"Yes, we know, but the tournament isn't until the first round of the playoffs are finished so we were hopeful he would be interested. We have already asked, but he said probably not." Nate isn't deterred - he knows how Sid operates. This is going to happen. Nate is going to make it happen.

"I'll work on it."

X

Sid sighs long and hard over the phone.

"Sid. Sidney. Team Canada. Prague? C'mon." Nate is being annoying but he doesn't care. He needs this to happen.

The Penguins aren't going to make the rest of the playoffs and Sid knows it. They are still in it, but Sid predicts not for much longer. At first Sid was pissed, going on tirades on the phone with Nate, so frustrated at times that he couldn't speak. He oscillated between having so much to say, to being speechless with disappointment. Nate waited him out every time and listened when Sid needed him to. Nate can see the cracks in Sid's control and ever since that confessional night in Florida over the phone, Nate is beginning to see how that lack of control affects him. It either paralyzes him if Sid feels particularly helpless, or makes him explode in anger. Nate sees both sides those few weeks in April and begins to understand why Sid didn't talk to him last year during the playoffs. It is clearly a side to Sid that he doesn't let a lot of people see.

But Nate needs Sid to go to Prague.

"It's three weeks Nate - the hockey school..."

Sid is officially launching the Sidney Crosby Hockey School this summer in Cole Harbour as a part of Sid's foundation. It's been stressful with all the planning and the logistics and Nate knows it's been tough on Sid. This has been a lifelong dream of his and it's finally happening. It also doesn't help that it is already so popular, there is a wait list already with some kids coming all the way from Hong Kong. Nate has been helping out a bit where he can with the school but they already have a small army of volunteers who rallied behind Sid to help him with this, Nate feels like sometimes he is just getting in the way. 

"I know, but it isn't until August, Sid. Besides, the Board is all over it, everything is pretty much ready to go." Nate thinks of everything that needs doing still and comes up blank. "Yeah, honestly we just need the kids to arrive and we could run it, like, tomorrow if we had to."

Sid huffs and Nate can hear him start to pace in his hotel room in New York.

"Have you already confirmed you're going?" Sid asks. Nate detects a small note of resignation in his voice and he tries not to pump his fist. He himself is pacing around his parent's living room in Cole Harbour in whatever clothes he flew in overnight from Denver. He's jetlagged and he smells like an airplane but he has a goal.

"Yeah, my stuff is coming in the mail."

Sid sighs again.

"So many good guys are going Sid, it's going to be a cakewalk. Plus, they are all beauties and it's Team Canada. You're goddamn Captain Canada, we need you."

There is a long pause and Nate tries not to run his mouth too much. He can't help himself though, adding, "Plus, last year you said you wanted to go on a trip. Prague is a pretty decent trip. We can make a few weeks out of it - go to Italy, France, Greece..."

Nate is grasping but the potential of all that stops Nate in his tracks. Europe, for a few weeks with Sid. Sunshine, food, cobblestones and arguably his favourite person in the world. It sounds like a dream.

There is yet another long pause and Nate can picture him. Probably fed up with Nate's shit but hearing him out anyways.

"...Okay."

Yes, fuck yes - "Sweet! Oh man, this is going to be awesome!"

Sid laughs at Nate's excitement, "You better listen to me on the ice though. If I'm going to be your captain I don't want any shit from you." 

Nate laughs, practically giddy, "No promises there, sweetheart."

The endearment startles both of them. Nate feels his face immediately flush and considers throwing his phone away from his ear to hide. "Uh..."

Sid starts honking breathlessly over the phone and Nate has to sit down due to his shaking knees.

"Sweetheart - oh my god, I love it -"

"Shut up!"

Sid laughs genuinely in well over a month, the playoff and hockey school stress forgotten and for that, Nate's mortification is worth it. 

"Would you rather darling? Babe? Baby?" Nate decides fuck it, he might as well lean into it and own it. Play it off as a joke.

Sid's laugh gets more distant as he has to put down his phone and walk away cause he's laughing too hard. He comes back after a few seconds and reports through a wheeze, "No, sweetheart is the best one."

Nate smiles, still embarrassed but so happy to hear Sid laugh. "Good. Suits you." 

That touches a bit too close on honesty and Nate quickly backpedals. "Either that or captain."

Nate isn't sure Sid heard him at first, because he's quiet for a split second. Sid laughs but not as light, a bit more forced, "Um, no maybe not." He also sounds a bit breathless. Nate shrugs off Sid's weird and plows on.

"This is going to be so fun though. Where in Europe have you been again? Where should we go?"

They spend about an hour planning an outline for a trip until Sid remembers that he actually has to call the IIHF and tell them that he's coming. Nate laughs at him and starts to mark things in his calendar, already looking at flights.

X

Nate squints up at the frame of his very own house as Aatif explains where the builders are at, how the sewage is going to work and whether or not Sid can modify his driveway to accommodate a split off on to Nate's property. Nate nods along and tells Aatif that he will just talk to Sid later and ask.

The Penguins, true to Sid's prediction, are out. It's perfect timing because they leave for Prague in four days. Sid texted him this morning that he's boarding his plane and he will see Nate soon. They are going to crash at home for a few days, then fly over to Europe together for the first Team Canada practice skate. After the tournament, they are going to spend two weeks in Europe. 

The framing of Nate's house is right on schedule and it's starting to look like a real house. A few construction workers come up to him and shake his hand, asking for pictures. Nate doesn't mind, they seem like nice guys and they are building his house after all. Aatif is chatting on the lawn behind them on his phone with another client while Nate plays the celebrity. The construction team ask Nate if he is aware that Sidney Crosby is his next door neighbour. Nate has to laugh and admits that, yes, he did know that. 

"That's so cool you guys are friends, just being hometown boys and all." 

Nate nods. In his case, they are a bit more than friends, but Sid is now arguably his best friend so it's accurate.

"You just stalked your way into his life, eh?" one of the other guys pipes in and the three workers around Nate laugh. The comment isn't untrue but it does sting a little. 

"Yeah, he puts up with me, he's a good guy." Nate goes for light and joking but it comes out a bit clipped. 

"'Puts up with you?' Sounds like me and my wife!" one of the guys elbows his coworker in the ribs and they all laugh. Nate laughs along, unsure how to respond to that.

The one who made the stalker comment fires a dirty look to the guy who made the wife comment. He loudly snaps back, "That's why hockey is so great, real men need friendships like that." Nate can tell where this is going before it even gets there and braces himself for impact. "People got to make everything gay these days, what ever happened to just good friendships? That's why hockey is the best. Men being men and leaving everything on the ice." A few of them nod, bobbing their heads and look expectantly at Nate.

He bites back the fury and tries to calm the rush in his ears. Maybe he could be a "real man" if he didn't want to wake up everyday next to the man he loves, but he figures he will want that until the end of time so what's the point. Maybe he could be a "real man" if he didn't want to suck Sidney Crosby's dick so bad, but again, Nate figures he'll never know.

His ears ring, his hands shake.

Breathe. 

He can do this.

"It's a great sport, for sure." he grits out. It's not an answer, really but they seemingly accept it and move on. One of the nicer ones starts asking him about the summer and the IIHF Tournament and Nate forces himself to switch gears. His heart is still pounding, his body still in fight mode like he just cross-checked someone on the ice and the gloves have already come off. His hands are shaking minutely at his sides. He stuffs them in his pockets.

Aatif strolls over, done with his call, and the guys wish Nate good luck in the tournament. He thanks them half-heartedly and walks back to Sid's house with Aatif - back to where the cars are since Nate technically doesn't have a driveway yet. Aatif is chattering away about property taxes and Nate is not listening. 

Nate stops him. "Aatif, who was that guy in the red shirt with the white hard hat?"

Aatif looks at him, impossibly confused, "Dave, David Moore, I think. Why?"

"I don't want him working on my house. Can you pass that along for me? Thanks." Nate doesn't wait for a response and keys into Sid's front door (Sid gave him a set of keys last summer so Nate could come and go and use Sid's gym if Sid wasn't home. They quickly became a treasured possession. Nate tries not to be too weird about it).

Aatif mutters something about looking into it and that's good enough for Nate. He smiles a bit stiffly at him and closes the door.

He kicks out of his shoes and sits heavily down on one of the couches in Sid's upstairs living room. He looks out at the beautiful blue lake. It's weird being here without Sid, but there is literally no where in the world he would rather be. He pulls out his phone to check the time and sees that Tys has sent him a video from Prague. Tys, of course, is in the tournament too and has already set up shop in Europe. He's been yachting, golfing, drinking and making merry over there like the menace that he is. Nate is excited to see him but snorts when he sees Tys's text. Its a video of a street dog on a cobbled street barking aggressively at tourists passing by it. Tys had captioned it, "Yo Dogg, this you?"

Nate still feels a bit raw from the encounter with Dave, the fucker who just lost himself a job, and Nate thinks the dog comparison isn't all that inaccurate.

To be honest, Nate doesn't give two shits about his sexuality, he never looked too hard at it before. He likes who he likes, and with Sid...

It was just too easy. Of course he fell in love. 

He has no idea if that makes him bi or gay or queer or whatever else the PR managers are spouting off at media events. He just likes Sid. 

He scrubs a hand over his face, suddenly tired and lays down. He plans on just closing his eyes for a minute but the sound of birds and the warmth of the sunshine lulls him to sleep.

A hand smooths through Nate's hair and he hums. He was dreaming about houses that were built upside down and it was just getting weird enough to be good.

"Nate." A pause and then a whispered, "Hey, Nate."

A slight popping sound and something wet is in Nate's ear.

"Ah, Jesus - fuck!"

Nate shoots up from the couch, almost pulling a muscle in his back.

Sid grins down at him, very much like he did on that sunny beach in PEI all those years ago. He's laughing and retreating, trying to hide his right hand as he backs up away from Nate.

"Did you just...did you wet willy me?"

Sid is laughing too hard to be anything but guilty and Nate lunges at him.

"You sick - that's...Sid!"

Sid dives out the front door and Nate immediately knows where he's going. "No you fucking don't, I get to drive the cart this year!" Nate tears after him rubbing his ear on the shoulder of his shirt.

Sid this year is miles ahead of him, throwing his phone, keys, passport and wallet in the grass as he goes. Nate leaps over Sid's lawn and nearly wipes out on the first few steps of the dock. Sid (the show off) does a very neat backflip into the lake and Nate dives in after him. Grand Lake is cold and dark, not quite the warmth of summer yet and the quiet under the water is peaceful. Nate takes in this moment of happiness but then kicks to the surface, ready to see Sid.

"Another year! Fuck yes that feels good!" Sid pumps his fist, lake water streaming down his face and getting caught in his eyelashes. He has all of his clothes on from the plane still which are now soaked. His shirt clings to the muscles of his torso and his hair is much longer, nearly streaming into his eyes. He is breathtaking. 

Nate does hate to lose make no mistake, but if this is his accession, he will take it any day. 

He still splashes Sid though.

X

Prague is very old and very pretty. 

Nate has only ever been to Europe a handful of times and is still unaccustomed to the long-ass flight. Sid sat beside him in first class and he made it bearable. They caught up on movies and tried to listen to Nate's music together. 

("It's not my favourite."

"What do you mean, it's 50 Cent, it's classic! What do you mean - !"

"You listen to exclusively gangster rap, Nate. Have you seen yourself? You're blonde haired and blue eyed. You're a professional hockey player. You're from Nova Scotia."

"Nova Scotia has a great rap and hip-hop scene."

"...The fact that you just called it a scene, kind of proves my point. What are you, 60?"

"...."

"Don't pout."

"....I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"The guys call me The Dogg!"

"Yeah, they call me Sid the Kid!"

"Those are not the same thing. That is not a rapper name."

"I don't need a rapper name, I am from Nova Scotia."

"..."

"You're thinking of a rapper name for me aren't you."

"Croz."

"Nate..."

"Big 87 C"

"No."

"Lil Croz."

"No."

"I like that one. Lil Croz."

"...."

"I'm going to write that down.")

X

They touch down late, around 11:30 pm Prague time and representatives from Team Canada are there to greet them. There are a few cameras and they focus almost exclusively on Sid. He ignores them best he can as they are ushered into an SUV. Amy, it turns out, is one of the people greeting them. Once they are settled into the SUV, Amy pivots around in the front seat chattering about how many of the guys are already there, where they will be staying and how to behave during the tournament. "Sidney, it's so good of you to join us. Although, I didn't have any doubts." She cocks her head slightly to the side and winks at Nate, out of view of Sid. Nate flushes, and Sid, none the wiser, chats back politely, thanking her for the opportunity.

Their hotel room is "historic" which basically means small. There are two twin beds and the wooden floor creaks underfoot. Amy breezes past them into the room, "We hope you don't mind sharing, the other guys already have their roommates." Nate blushes again looking at how close those beds are together and tries to get a grip. This is going to be a long three weeks if he can't keep his libido in check. He's got this. 

Once Amy and the other staff leave though, Sid peels off his Team Canada hoodie and flops on to his bed. He groans, the sound zipping straight down to Nate's groin.

Maybe not.

X

The next morning is the practice and Sid and Nate fall in easy with the guys. They all know each other from the NHL and Nate likes (almost) all of them. The ones he doesn't aren't his problem and he sticks to Tys, Sid, Matty, Schenn, Hall and O'Reilly. They are coached by the San Jose's head coach, Todd McLellan, who is fair and passionate. McLellan, according to Nate, also strongly resembles a mob boss. He points it out the resemblance to Sid the first night and Sid throws his socks at him. 

It's a bit silly, but the first time he had pulled his Team Canada jersey over his head he felt absurdly proud. He thumbed the maple leaf on his chest and marveled at how his life has taken him here. It's clear in the first few practices that the other guys feel the same. It's an honour to be here and they want to make Canadians proud. Nate's played for the World Juniors for Canada of course, but this feels different. This feels more significant.

They practice hard and Sid is a calm and confident captain. Since Nate knows Sid though, he can see that Sid is retreating into Competition Sid; the drive to win outweighing his need to be liked by the guys. He's not an asshole, of course, but he expects excellence from them and the guys end up respecting him more for it. He buzzes around the ice, talking to everyone and checking in, offering tips and talking strategy. He even does it to Nate a handful of times and talks to him like they are strangers. Nate tries to concentrate on what Sid is saying and he mostly succeeds. The C emblazoned on his chest makes Nate sweat and it has nothing to do with the drills. Sue him.

The living situation isn’t as torturous as Nate expected it to be. The Team Canada guys are always in their room, eating strange Czech candy and practically sitting on each other so that they can all hang out. There are a lot of poker games that get out of hand and Nate one night has to quit playing, his competitive edge so bad that he nearly throws a chair. Sid is able to calm him down and the rest of the guys chirp him relentlessly for his snap-show. In hindsight it's embarrassing, but at the time Sid had just shrugged. "It's who you are, Nate. It's okay." Overall, the team "bonding" is sweet, and Nate does enjoy their company. Nate just can't help toying with the “what ifs” that knock on Nate’s brain at 1:00 am as Sid snores in the bed opposite him.

They are also exhausted most every night, playing hard, competitive hockey on game nights or at practices sweating buckets and building lines. Their team is stacked though; so skilled it's almost unfair to the other Nations. Nate and Sid are often on the same line which is awesome. One of the guys called them a "two headed monster" on the ice at dinner one night and it's accurate. Nate just always knows where Sid is, his compass swings with him. Sid, besides being a hockey god, also just instinctively knows where Nate is going to be. They are a deadly combo. As a team, they at least have 3 - 4 goals a game, and the only team that has come close so far to beating them so far was France (Canada still won that, 4 - 3 and even the quietest French Canadian guys chirped the France team on behalf of the non-French speaking players which pissed off France to no end.). Nate, in particular is playing better than he did all season with the Avs. Maybe it has something to do with his frustration being benched with his foot. Maybe it's because he's playing for Canada. Maybe it has something to do with Sid. Either way, it's working for him. He's focused on the ice, keeping up and sometimes standing out. He works hard on his hands and his speed and unlike last season, he is rewarded for it. Sid compliments him on it almost daily and Nate blushes every time.

Nate tries to control his hormones enough so he can focus on tournament by taking a lot of long showers at their hotel room. He tries not to remember what miles of tan skin Sid has when the team has to shower after a game. The first time they had to shower together Nate almost had an aneurysm and had to sit down, making up an excuse that his foot hurt. He had waited until Sid was done so he couldn’t perv on him more and started strategically showering near last almost every game.

He remembers a conversation with Tys and Matty about the baseball player and how weird it would have been to shower with him, knowing he was gay. That cuts Nate’s libido significantly and he tries not to be so ashamed. So he takes long showers and pretends.

Besides being horny for their team captain and hiding his shame in showers, Nate feels good. His hands haven't tremored since the incident at his house and despite his anger and competitiveness that is always with him, Nate feels settled, more calm. For the first time in what feels like a long time, Nate is ready to win this thing.

X

"Ah, ah -shit!"

Nate slams almost too hard into someone's back (he can't see who) as he joins the mosh pit in the Canada zone. He can't hear a thing over the roar of the crowd and the guys screaming. Nate knocks off someone's helmet and he's being hugged, practically lifted off the ice by Hall. He's aware he's laughing like a mad man and can't seem to stop. Giroux grabs his face and he's being kissed on the cheek by the French Canadian. He's trying, trying to find him, but Sid is honestly one of the smaller guys on the team. Ennis and Spezza haul him in by the sweater and then they are jumping around like idiots. Brayden Schenn looks like he might actually be weeping and Nate hugs him laughing. Out of the corner of Nate's eye, he catches a scrunched nose and dark hair off to the left. Nate dives out of the group and Sid is there.

Nate hugs him in relief and maybe a bit too intimately for a packed arena of fans.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Nate gets right in his ear so he can hear him. Sid laughs.

Nate pulls back to scream over the sound of the crowd, “We did it! We fucking won!"

Sid’s eyes are bright and quick, still running on a bit of adrenaline and they sweep over Nate's face. Nate has to let him go now or else he will kiss him. He figures that is something the IIHF would not be too happy with. He lets Sid go as someone else behind Nate picks him right up, screaming in his ear.

The awards are drawn out and long and Nate's white IIHF champions hat is too big for his head. He watches Sid do all the captain things he has to do and follows right behind him to get their gold medals. The medals are unique and interesting looking; they are etched crystal with a gold ring surrounding. Nate is paranoid he will drop his and it will shatter so he cradles it against his chest.

Sid then hoists the trophy, there is pyrotechnics, a shit ton of gold confetti and Nate is instantly overwhelmed. The best emotion he can assign with what he is feeling is pride. He's proud to be Canadian. He's proud of the guys. He's proud of Sid. Sidney Crosby, his idol turned friend. Friend turned into whatever they are now. Sid is now one of the only 25 members ever to be in the Triple Gold Club. As Nate watches him kiss the cup, he inwardly shrugs. Of course Sid is a member of that exclusive club. He's Sid. 

He slings his arm around Sid's shoulders for the singing of the anthem and he doesn't feel the piece of gold confetti stuck to his sweaty cheek bone. Nate is tone deaf but singing loudly anyway and Sid isn't much better beside him. Then is the team photo, a few media pieces and they are done.

Sid is the first to notice that their families, the Crosbys and the MacKinnons are off to the side of the ice waiting for them. Sid grabs Nate's sleeve and they go see their moms first. Nate ducks to hug his mom, careful of his skates. Kathy is emotional and Sarah is not much better. His dad can barely string words together but Nate knows he's proud. He feels rather than sees Sid against his side who gently pulls his sleeve again, directing him to the Crosby family.

"Nate, this is my mom Trina, my dad Troy and you know my sister Taylor." Nate gets a hug from Trina and a firm handshake from Troy. Taylor waves, also looking a bit emotional and Nate's sister pulls her into a one-armed hug. Taylor went to Shattuck at the same time as Nate. He didn’t know her well, but over the course of getting to know Sid and planning the hockey school with her, Nate’s gotten to know her better. She’s one of the most important people in Sid’s life; she’s pretty, as humble as her brother and a damn good hockey goalie.

Troy and Trina Nate has sort of met in passing, but they have never officially been introduced or have even had one conversation between them. Sid looks like his dad, but he has his mom’s smile.

"Sid's told us a lot about you. You don’t remember this probably but I used to work with your dad a million years ago in a garage." Troy yells over the music still playing in the near-empty arena. "I knew you when you were in diapers!" Nate flushes but Graham quickly nods adding, "We sat together for the game and caught up. I think we are going to try to make Canada Day together this year." 

Nate feels his eyebrows raise and Sid laughs a bit beside him bumping his shoulder. "Sounds great." Nate shoots him a look and Sid smiles at him, maybe being a bit of a little shit, but Nate can't tell.

Their moms insist on family photos so they dutifully gather with the trophy (that Sid still has) and they get a nice one with the two of them with their moms. It dissolves into a Crosby/MacKinnon group photo after and Nate feels like he is in some alternate reality. 

Their families wish them luck on their Europe trip and Kathy hugs Nate long and hard. "Proud of you, honey."

"Thanks mom." Nate mumbles.

Kathy holds him out at arms length and her eyes dart to Sid and his family. "We are always going to be proud of you, you know that?"

Nate immediately panics. His mom knows. 

Kathy can see it on his face and pulls him in again to hug him even harder. "No matter what. Proud of you." She whispers the next part so no one has a chance to overhear, "Look after each other."

Nate's pulse is jackrabbiting in his neck and he has no idea what to say.

Kathy pulls away again, her eyes shining with tears. Nate numbly says goodbye to the rest of the group.

Sid grabs the trophy as they skate back to the tunnels and grins at Nate. "Now, we celebrate."

His grin is infectious and Nate can't help but reciprocate. 

"Hell yeah."

X

A champagne cork nearly takes out Nate's eye and he's screaming and getting soaked. Sid had filled the cup with champagne and he was now spilling it everywhere, also screaming his head off.

Beers are tipped into Nate's mouth and he chokes a bit trying to swallow as Matty roars with approval. 

He's sticky and hot and the guys are singing "We are the Champions" by Queen and Nate is feeling the booze alarmingly quickly. He is passed an open but full bottle of champagne and laughs as Tys tries to drink out of the cup. Sid is trying to pour it evenly and is shockingly bad at it; it slops all over Tys's jersey and into his gear. Nate is relegated to "cup filler" as each guy takes his turn drinking from it. Sid is laughing his stupid laugh and Nate thinks this might be the happiest he's ever been.

When his turn comes to drink, he passes off his bottle to someone and they all slap his back and shout encouragement.

He kneels in front of Sid.

Immediately Nate is turned on, too tipsy to control it. His cup starts to dig uncomfortably into his skin and he shifts trying to alleviate it. He takes a breath and looks up, making eye contact with his captain. Sid is staring down at him with an unmistakable heat. Nate's drunk, but he's not that drunk, he can tell that Sid's pupils are blown and Nate nearly stops breathing at the sight. He can see Sid's rapid breaths through his jersey that get slightly panted out of his mouth. They both don't look away. The guys jostle them and it seems to snap Sid out of it, he pushes the cup to Nate and carefully pours the sweet champagne down his throat. Nate doesn't choke but it's close, he has to look away to focus but he is aware of Sid's eyes on his face the entire time. Nate finishes and stands awkwardly, his cup definitely bothering him now. He looks over at Sid who is still staring at Nate with an almost thunderstruck look of arousal. Nate understands. He doesn't think he has ever been so turned on in his life.

The guys slap Nate's back again, shoving him around and the spell is broken. Nate retreats to the corner of the locker room to adjust himself and just try to breathe. It doesn't last long though, Tys notices him by himself and slams into him.

"Drink up, buttercup, it's going to be a long night!" Tys yells as he shoves Nate a beer.

Nate can't help but agree.

They change, dance a little (badly), shower (Nate avoids Sid for that), and pour out into the dark streets of Prague with the cup. Their management and the IIHF had waved them off, their only request being "not to burn the city down" and they had collectively agreed to do their best. Nate is already half-cut. Sid is perhaps a bit worse being captain and having every guy chase him down to drink. His eyes are a bit unfocused and glassy and he clutches the cup to him like a protective shield. Nate tries to give Sid a bit of space after the locker room - he doesn't want to incriminate them more. Also if he is being honest, Nate is scared. He's loved Sid for years now, he has no idea how to do this in real life. The last thing Nate wants to do is pressure him, so he resolves (in his intoxicated brain) to let Sid come to him. 

They find a bar that serves Canadian whiskey and after 9 shots and 4 more beer, Nate is wasted. The other patrons in the bar are overwhelmed at first by the loud, sweaty Canadians but then they take it in stride, buying them drinks and filming them on their phones. Sid is careful to avoid being seen with a drink and ducks out of those, but Nate manages to get captured a fair amount. 

At 3 or 4 in the morning, they troop out of the bar and take to the streets. The city is silent and dark, the gothic Prague architecture shadowy in the warm streetlights. The cobblestones slap under their feet as they all decide to run down to Charles Bridge. Nate has no idea why they are running, but it feels important so he whoops along with the team and races towards the famous bridge. Spezza now has the cup and he yells almost the entire way, holding the cup above his head. At some point Sid sprints up beside Nate and Nate laughs, pushing his shoulder. Without saying a word, it's on. Sid puts on the gas and Nate leaps into a sprint to match. They full on race, drunk, through the pack of guys and past a yelling Spezza with the cup, trying to be the first to the bridge. They quickly pass everyone else, including the front runners and push hard once the bridge comes into sight. They are almost perfectly matched. Nate is quicker, but Sid has a slight advantage with his more sensible shoes. The guys are far behind them and Nate can still hear Spezza yelling through the wind in his ears. Nate doesn't even feel winded, the alcohol doesn't help he guesses but he feels more high than drunk. This doesn't seem real, this night, this city - it's too magical to be real. They push each other as hard as they can until they reach the first step of the bridge. Nate pushes himself that much quicker and he's there first, Sid beside him but a hair slower.

Nate laughs, a little delirious and more than a little drunk still.

"Sorry, sweetheart, not quick enough!" he crows and Sid pushes his face away laughing.

"It was a test of stamina anyway. So I think I won." Sid gestures at himself, panting, "I'm not even tired."

Nate knows Sid's being an asshole on purpose and rears back with a laugh, "Bullshit. You are so full of shit."

"Besides," Sid turns to him and prissily goes on, "it's about the spirit of competition. You needed the win. I let you win."

Nate is laughing again and shoves Sid. Sid lets him, his eyes never leaving Nate's face. In his whiskey, beer and champagne addled brain, Nate didn't notice how close they are standing. He can see every eyelash and the flecks of gold in Sid's eyes. Sidney Crosby is smiling at him on a bridge in Prague in the middle of the night and Nate leans in, too weak not to. 

Distantly, Nate hears Spezza (still yelling) and the hoots and hollers from the guys. Nate jumps away from Sid and runs a hand over his mouth.

They descend on them in less than a minute, so drunkenly loud in the quiet of the night that Nate cringes a bit. He sends a small apology to the entire city that they had to put up with Team Canada's victory celebrations and promises Czechians everywhere that they will not burn their beautiful city down. 

They troll around on the bridge for another hour or so, taking lots of photos with their phones and sobering up a bit. Once it starts to get that bruise blue of early morning, they file drunkenly back to the hotel. Sid quietly walks beside Nate the whole way back even as Tys throws his arm around Nate's shoulder and tells him how much he loves him. Nate tries to push him off but he does love Tys so he allows him to slur drunkenly in his ear. Sid's hand brushes Nate's every now and then and Nate feels electric, despite the Victoria-born trust fund kid nattering in his ear. 

They finally get to their room and Sid shoots Nate a small smile. Nate returns it easily. He pushes open the door to find Hall, Matty, Eberle and O'Reilly fast asleep, snoring on their beds, fully dressed. How they got in and how they are already fast asleep is a mystery that Nate thinks he will never know the answer to.

Sid near sobs, "Fuck, I'm so tired."

Nate sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "We could wake them up?"

Sid shakes his head, too tired and still a little too drunk to process what to do. Nate has a stupid idea and he takes Sid's hand, "C'mon. I saw this in a movie one time."

Sid furrows his brows but allows himself to be led to their small bathroom. "Uh, Nate?"

Nate climbs into the bathtub and leans back against the back of the tub. Sid starts to laugh. "You can't be serious."

Nate throws up his hands, "You got a better idea? C'mere."

Sid is giggling but pretending to be mad, muttering something about being fucking World Champions and having to sleep in a bathtub as Nate helps him in, "Yeah yeah. Captain Canada here everyone." Sid glares at him. 

Nate turns him around to lean back against his chest and wraps his arms around Sid. "There. Very nice." If Nate was sober and if it wasn't almost 6:00 am, he would be internally freaking out right now, so aroused he probably wouldn't have been able to do this without poking Sid in the ass. As it stands though, Nate truly is exhausted and if he's being honest, just having Sid in his arms is nice. He will remember this later and probably regret not getting a little handsy, but right now he is so tired and Sid smells so good.

Sid wiggles a bit in his arms and sighs. "Nate. This is ridiculous."

"Shh."

Sid huffs bitchily, overtired, and settles more against Nate, kicking his feet up on to the spout end of the tub. Nate buries his nose in to the side of Sid's hair and doesn't remember falling asleep.

X

Freezing cold water being dumped on Nate's head causes him to nearly crack his nose on the back of Sid's head.

"Shit! What the fuck?"

Sid jumps awake, equally soaked and nearly trips springing away from the cold water.

Matty and O'Reilly howl with laughter and Nate wipes the water from his face.

"Have a nice sleep boys?"

Nate is legitimately angry and is about to snap back but Sid beats him to it. "You fuckers took our beds! What the hell were we supposed to do?"

Tys, Schenn and Hall poke their heads into the bathroom to see the commotion and Nate hauls himself out of the tub, cracking his sore back.

"That's gotta be a new low guys. Sleeping in a bathtub?"

Nate stands by Sid and crosses his arms, his anger still simmering, "Hey, you guys are the assholes who took your captain's bed."

They all look a bit contrite at that, the guys love Sid, but then Tys pipes in from the back. "I can't believe you guys actually slept in the bathtub." and they all start back up again, laughing and chirping.

Nate rolls his eyes and moves to towel off his head. He tosses the towel to Sid when he's done and Sid nods at him gratefully. It's about 2:00 in the afternoon in Prague and some of the guys have already left to go home to Canada. A few of them are doing what Sid and Nate are going to do and spend a few weeks in Europe on the off-season. That's mostly who is still left, everyone else has families that they need to get back to. 

They go out for a late lunch and break all of the NHL's nutrition plans with mountains of greasy sausages, eggs, toast, ham and potatoes. Nate feels admittedly better once he starts to eat and they end up discussing what everyone is going to do next. 

Nate lets Sid do the explaining as he is shoveling potatoes into his mouth. Italy and then France, hitting up golf courses along the way. The guys nod and jot down a few dates where they think they might be able to meet up. Tys is being troublingly quiet and Nate gets ready for some colourful comments about him and Sid. He stops eating and narrows his eyes at Tys from across the table. 

Finally, Tys speaks. "Do you guys, uh mind if I tag along?"

It's the last thing that Nate expected him to say and it takes him a minute to process. 

Schenn beside Tys nudges him in agreement, "Yeah, can I come too? I was going to go solo but that sounds way more fun. Plus," Schenn pours more hot sauce over his eggs, "Tys has his yacht here so we can take that." He looks quickly over at Tys and then to Sid amending, "If that's okay."

Sid looks at Nate and Nate looks at Sid.

Sid must see in Nate's face that there isn't much they can say if they don't want to be complete assholes. And Schenn is right - it is a yacht.

He shrugs and Sid nods, accepting Nate's response.

"Sure." Sid says with a grin, "This is going to be awesome."

X 

Chapter Text

Despite being from Nova Scotia, Nate never really considered himself a boat guy.

Tys's yacht though, was quickly changing his mind. Sid, Nate, Tys and Schenn had to take an overnight train to Verona, switch trains and catch another to Genoa on the Ligurian Sea where Tys had docked his boat for the tournament. They arrived in Genoa in the late afternoon hot and cranky but as soon as Tys had flashed his ID at the bougie Italian yacht club, they started to get excited. They all threw their duffle bags on board (their hockey stuff got shipped back to Canada courtesy of Team Canada's management) and Tys made a quick costume change, welcoming them aboard with an open white collared shirt, Ray Bans and a cigar.

Nate had snorted at him, "You look insane." Tys just winked in response.

How Tys has his licence to operate on international waters was a question Sid raised right away and Tys had just scoffed, "Sid, please." as if that answered everything. They stocked up on a mountain of food at the market attached to the yacht club, while Tys raided the club's liquor store for booze and they literally set sail into the sunset.

The Ligurian is a relatively smaller sea so the waves are not too bad, but every now and then, they do throw Nate a bit. He did feel a bit queasy the first hour or so, but he wasn't sure if it was from the waves or from his own paranoia about getting sea sick. Once he stopped overthinking it, he was fine.

The yacht ("The Disciple" - Tys said not to ask), isn't actually huge, but Nate estimates it still probably cost close to a cool 1 or 2 million dollars Canadian. The top deck is where the helm and navigation stuff is, the second floor is the bar, kitchen and living room area and below ("the brig" Tys insists on calling it) is the sleeping quarters. There are 3 bedrooms below deck, two of which have bunk beds. Tys had already claimed the largest room, which was fair, and Schenn, Nate and Sid had to play poker for one of the bunk bed rooms to themselves. Nate and Schenn lose to Sid who absolutely hustles them. Sid throws his things in the room, gloating a bit, while Schenn and Nate take the other bunk room to share.

Schenn, Nate quickly discovers, is an awful person to sleep with. He snores - loudly (how such a small guy can make such a monsterous sound is crazy to Nate) and he sleep talks. Nate had stared up at the ceiling on that first night from his top bunk and had tried valiantly not to throw something at him. Around 2:30 am Nate finally came to terms with the fact that he likely was not going to get much sleep this trip.

Their full first day they mostly lounge around and take turns jumping into the warm sea. Sid gets a bit of a burn that turns into a tan by the afternoon and Nate tries to dive as deep as he can under the boat. They eat intermittently, lounge some more, have a few drinks and then Tys pulls out a map. They sit down around on the deck and start with a plan that quickly dissolves. There are a few arguments; Nate kind of wanted to go golfing more, but cruising the coasts of Italy and France surprisingly did not amount to many golf courses to choose from. They would have to dock The Disciple and travel inland by train for the ones that Sid and Nate originally planned to visit, cutting time out of their trip that they couldn't afford to lose. Nate was privately disappointed but quickly moved on. He's on a private yacht off the coast of Italy for fuck's sake. He can cope.

Tys had to break it to them gently that Sid and Nate's original estimation of only 2 weeks post tournament is going to have to be lengthened to about 3 weeks, weather and waves permitting. It's slower to travel by boat, but infinitely better Tys explained. Nate followed Sid's lead there, after all, Nate was the one who dragged Sid to Europe in the first place, but Sid seemed to accept the new timeline with ease. He emailed Taylor a few things about the hockey school but otherwise he was on board. 

By the end of the night, all they are half cut but know that the course is set for Monaco, with plans to stop along the way. They all nod in agreement, feeling rather proud of themselves and retire for the night.

X

The sun is just as hot and beautiful their second day. Sid has taken it upon himself to feed them all since he is by far the best cook and Nate keeps him company on one of the barstools, pouring over one of Sid's history textbooks.

Sid, the freak, decided last season to take some history courses online, mostly about the social and political climate of World War II. A lot of it goes over Nate's head, knowing with absolute certainty that he would flunk that course in a day but he likes listening to Sid talk about it. People always assume that Sid is only ever passionate about hockey, but Nate knows that that is absolutely not true. Sid is babbling on about Poland and the Russians while flipping grilled cheese sandwiches and Nate tries to follow along using the textbook. He's lost, but Sid is on a roll so he doesn't interrupt. Tys comes thundering down the stairs from the helm and claps his hands.

"Crew, we are currently idling off the coast of Arenzano. I say we eat, swim, drink and see the sights."

Nate shrugs, "Sure. What's in Arenzano?"

"Women." Tys answers.

Nate huffs and goes back to Sid's textbook.

"Knock yourself out with that Tys," Sid calls from the oven.

"Italian women."

Schenn comes in chewing on a cucumber. "What about Italian women?"

Tys looks up at the ceiling and sighs an overly dramatic sigh. "Sid, I know you're spoken for. Nate, you're just..." he gestures at Nate generally, "a mess. And Schenny hasn't been laid since last season." 

"Hey!" Schenn exclaims, "I told you that in private!"

Tys waves him off, "There are no secrets on a boat Schenn. Get used to it now."

Nate glances quick at Sid who has his back turned to the group. He seems a bit stiff but keeps flipping and plating sandwiches. 

Nate resolves to be a bit of a little shit and says, "Count me in."

X

Arenzano is basically a tourism commercial for Italy on the Ligurian Sea. It is postcard perfect - Nate still can't decide if it's real. The town is built in a crescent shape around the small bay and spreads back into lush green hills. They dock The Disciple, pay the wharf fee and set out to explore. The beaches are packed with tourists and locals alike and there are palm trees everywhere. It almost reminds Nate of Beverly Hills, only much smaller and with a lot more Italians.

They find a bar first and Nate tries limoncello for the first time. Sid (who decided to come after all) wrinkles his nose at the taste and Nate laughs at him. It's ice cold and refreshing and doesn't get Nate too drunk too fast so he orders a few more. Sid looks at him like he's crazy, insisting that it tastes like cough medicine, but Nate likes it.

Sid clearly isn't recognized here even by the hundreds of tourists on the beach and Nate can almost visibly see him relax as the weight he perpetually carries lifts from his shoulders. He's able to swear, be photographed with booze and Nate starts to see the carefree Sid he knows in private, finally in public.

True to Tys's word (and his excitement) there are a ton of beautiful girls that stop them and ask where they are from. They clearly can tell they aren't Italian (Sid could maybe pass, but as soon as he opens his mouth to talk with that strong East Coast Canadian accent, the illusion is shattered) and they titter flirtily at them, whispering to each other in Italian. It makes sense. Sid is gorgeous, Tys is charming, Schenn is sweet but Nate is...Nate. Between his his crooked nose, anger issues and being hopelessly in love with his best friend, he's not much of a catch. When one of them turns her attention to him, asking if they can see their boat, he blushes furiously and Sid has to come to his rescue. "Ah, not today ladies. Sorry." Sid either completely misses Tys miming behind the girls that he's going to kill him, or he chooses to ignore his threats. The pretty girls flounce away, disappointed, and Tys runs after them with Schenn. "Wait, ladies, sorry - he didn't understand you with your beautiful accents..."

Nate watches them go, laughing and shakes his head. Nate looks over at Sid who is looking down at where some sand from the beach blew up onto the sidewalk. "Uh, sorry. I should have let you - uh, go after that if you wanted to."

Nate smiles, a bit too softly, and nudges Sid. "Naw. I'm good."

Sid looks up, surprised, and smiles back.

A loud cheer erupts from the beach and they look over to see a 6 vs. 6 beach volleyball game in progress. Nate raises his eyebrows at Sid in silent question and Sid laughs. "You're on."

They are welcomed with open arms by the players who seem to be a mix of Italians, Brazilians, French, Australians and South Africans. Sid takes the opposite team and Nate kicks sand at him from under the net. It's hard work, Nate is instantly sweating and peels off his shirt, flipping his ball cap backwards to better be able to see the ball. Nate is pleased to find out that he's not half bad, at least he's in good shape and can keep up. Sid, naturally, is fucking phenomenal and the other team is overjoyed he is on their side, joking that he is never allowed to leave. Sid eventually takes his shirt off too and Nate can see that most of the women (and even a few guys) watching have taken keen interest in him. Usually that would grind Nate's gears but he honestly can't blame them. Sid jumps for an overhand serve and he swears he can hear someone swoon. Both teams don't take it too seriously and Nate at certain points has to double over with laughter as everyone tries to communicate through broken English. As they get more comfortable with Nate they start chirping him good-naturedly and it's awesome. Sid laughs along with them from across the net and Nate makes faces at him. They play until their knees are raw from the sand and the sun starts to dip into the sea. Sid's team is victorious but the two teams and many of the spectators all huddle together afterwards with a cacophony of various languages. Somehow, they all manage to communicate that they need to get drunk. That, Nate figures, is a universal understanding. They pull Nate and Sid along with them and they laugh and follow easily, scooping up their shirts as they go. Nate has no idea where Tys and Schenn ended up, but they all know where the yacht is anyways.

They pull up to a beach bar and Sid is bought 5 different drinks from his team members for winning them the match. Sid sneaks Nate 3 of the drinks and the sting of the booze goes right to Nate's nose. The drinks are exceptionally strong; clearly they don't mess around in Arenzano. Nate looks over at Sid to see if he's tried his drinks yet, only to see him nearly spit some of it out, covering it up politely with a cough. Nate has to laugh and Sid kicks him under the table.

They are asked a couple of general questions, but for the most part people talk to them like...people. Nate isn't sure when that changed back home but he feels like it's been a long time. There are tales from travelers from around the world and Sid's eyes spark with interest, Nate knows Sid loves to travel and he can see Sid making notes from the conversations of places he'd like to go now too. As the strong drinks seem to go down easier, they migrate to the sand to sit in a large, loose semicircle overlooking the now empty beach. Sid and Nate end up sitting next to a guy from Germany and a few of the French people on either side.

The owners of the bar are apparently friends with a couple of rowdy Italian fisherman who slam a huge bucket of oysters down in the middle of the group and start doling them out like candy, shucking them so quick Nate can't keep up with it. They pass a pot around to communally pay for the oysters and Nate tucks some Euros in. Sid catches a lemon tossed to him by the bartenders that gets cut up and passed around as well. Once all 25 or so of them are set, they collectively hold their oysters aloft like drinks for a toast.

"Salute!"

"Cin Cin!"

Sid taps his to Nate's and murmurs a quiet "Cheers."

"Cheers." Nate responds softly.

Nate isn't the biggest fan of oysters but he will slam them back like any good East Coast boy if he has to. They toss their empty shells into the sand and another oyster magically finds its way into Nate's hand.

The Australians are laughing loudly about something that Nate missed, but he catches the tail end of it,"...I swear to god it's true."

"There is no way that's true, Lis."

"What is that called again? An adirondack?"

There is a moment of quiet and then they all scream with laughter. The whole group is listening now and Sid passes him another drink to go with his oyster.

"Adirondack?!" 

"Like the chairs?"

"Fuck you guys, you know what I mean!"

"Aphrodisiac, Lis, Jesus Christ."

A South African across the circle hearing that lets out a whoop and throws her oyster back. "Whatever helps, baby!" and the group laughs. 

Nate leans into Sid beside him and whispers, "What is an..." he almost says adirondack (which he doesn't know what that is either) but corrects himself, "An aphrodisiac?"

Sid flicks his eyes from Nate's mouth up to his eyes and licks his lips. They are sitting very close together, brushing shoulders as they lean back on their hands in the sand.

Sid clears his throat, "It's uh." He waves his hand around weakly. Nate has no idea what he's getting at, but as always, he waits Sid out. Sid takes a breath and steels himself, "It makes you want to fuck. It makes you horny." 

Nate's ears roar and his heart jumps in his chest. He did not need to know what Sid's lips look like saying those words and he sits back up quickly. It takes him a moment but he eventually gets there, "Oysters?!" 

Sid laughs a bit breathlessly and nods, "So they say."

Huh.

Nate eyes the two empty shells he already ate and decides to stick to alcohol for the rest of the night. 

The night gets colder and Nate gets drunker. Sid's heat is like a magnet beside him and he must decide at some point that he's tired of pretending and leans back against Sid's chest. He doesn't remember doing it, but Sid doesn't seem to mind and angles his body to accommodate Nate. He's pretty hammered and perfectly content to just listen to this group of pretty remarkable people tell their life stories on a beach in Italy. Someone is a neurosurgeon, someone is a lawyer. Someone just became an uncle and someone has been to over 116 countries. Someone just sailed around Cape Horn with their sister. Someone just got divorced. Someone just got engaged. It's an astounding mix and Nate is starting to see why Sid loves travelling so much.

He's listening to Sid's heartbeat and looking up at the stars when he falls asleep.

X

"So what about you guys?"

Sid shrugs (Nate can feel it) and simply offers, "We are athletes from Canada."

"Let me guess," a French guy jumps in, "hockey?"

The group laughs and Sid does too. "Yeah, actually."

"Are you any good?"

Sid shrugs again and Nate can hear the smile in his voice. "Not bad."

"You're very sweet together, how long have you known each other?"

"Oh, uh, I've known him since about 2009. We are from the same small town." 

"That's awesome. I hope people haven't been harassing you at all."

Sid chuckles. "I don't think they would be able walk away from that if Nate had anything to say about it."

A few of them laugh.

Sid goes on, "No, it's been great so far. We just started too, got a long ways to go."

"Good for you guys. Enjoy it."

"Thanks."

X

Sid rouses Nate enough to stumble back to the yacht. Nate is babbling about the mysteries of the universe and how beautiful and complicated the world is. Sid is laughing at him but agrees with his points.

The more Nate moves, the more sober he feels and that last conversation with the group comes back to him.

"They thought we were a couple, Sid."

Sid is quiet for a moment, the silver of the moonlight catching on his eyelashes. "I know." he says quietly.

"You didn't say anything."

Sid sighs. "No, I didn't."

Nate stops and really looks at him. He's bathed in moonlight and unspeakably handsome.

"Why?" Nate breathes.

Sid shakes his head, eyes darting around the bay and huffs. "I didn't feel like explaining it. I mean, what's the harm? They will never see us again." He rubs his eyebrow, agitated, "And you're the one who decided to cuddle up to me, Nate. What was I supposed to say?"

Sid's lying but Nate doesn't know why. 

Nate is silent for long enough that Sid finally looks up and makes eye contact with him.

He looks scared.

Nate can feel his heart thump painfully in his chest. He doesn't ever want Sid to be scared. Scared because of him. Nate would do anything to not have Sid look at him like that.

"Okay," Nate whispers. "I'm sorry if I crossed a line there."

Sid slumps a bit like a puppet whose strings have been cut. "No, you didn't. Fuck - I'm sorry too."

Nate isn't sure what Sid is apologizing for but that awful look is gone from his face so Nate will take it as a win.

They resume their walk along the boardwalk to the yacht. "I mean, we have slept together though."

"Jesus Christ, Nate."

"Just because it was a bathtub doesn't mean that doesn't count." 

"You're the worst."

Nate slings an arm over Sid's shoulders, "Yeah, I know."

X

They are lounging on the yacht deck like a bunch of lizards moored just outside the city of Savona. 

Sid's leg is thrown over Nate's thigh and Schenn is now reading Sid's history textbook.

"This is interesting stuff."

Sid hums in agreement but doesn't offer anything else. Tys is whittling a stick he found on the beach the other day with the intention of trying his hand at spearfishing. Nate has no idea where he got the giant buck knife from and avoids eye contact.

Nate gets a notification on his phone from Instagram and he slaps Sid's shin. "Hey, Sid, the awards are in. Here," he passes Sid his phone and gets up, "I gotta take a piss."

Sid peers down at Nate's phone giving himself 4 double chins and starts tapping away. Nate goes below deck to do his thing, wash his hands and splash some water on his overheated face. He pokes at his chest and gives himself a thumbs up in the mirror - no sunburn yet. 

He comes back up into the sunshine to hear Sid's honking laughter and Tys cackling with glee.

He stands in the doorway and as soon as they seem him, they all erupt with laughter again. 

"Holy fuck guys, what?"

Tys is wheezing, leaning on Sid's shoulder and gasps, "You have a Pittsburgh Penguins fan account? Nate - really?"

Mortification sets in and he snatches his phone away. "Of course I did! You all know I was a big fan of this fucker." He waves down at where Sid is sitting.

"'Did'? Nate, 'did'? You posted on it like 3 weeks ago!" Tys exclaims.

"Okay, sue me, I like the Penguins."

Sid stands up still chuckling, "But Nate, you're in the league, you should be rooting for the Avs, not us."

"Not to mention, you're probably, like, the most competitive guy I have ever met." Schenn offers. "Besides Sid."

Nate turns his phone over in his hands and can feel his face flush. "You're still my favourite player, Sid."

Sid smiles at him so fondly that Nate feels his heart skip a beat.

Tys makes a gagging sound behind him and Nate wheels on him. "Like you aren't a fan of Vancouver, Tys!"

"Okay - true, but first of all, fuck you, I told you that in confidence."

Sid and Schenn parrot back "There are no secrets on a boat" in almost bored voices.

"And second of all, I'm from BC dude. We have no other options!"

Nate rolls his eyes.

"And third!" Tys grabs his own phone and waves it around, "I never made a fan account for them!"

It's all true and Nate knows it. Nate has had that fan account for years, likely since 2009 when the Penguins allowed the cup to be paraded through the streets of Cole Harbour. Nate was young, and on the wrong side of the street to even get a glimpse of Sid, but the cup he certainly saw. He's closely followed Sid's career ever since and by extension, the Penguins. He never thought that he would ever play against them or even get to know Sid - let alone fall in love with him.

Sid is still looking at Nate softly but Nate is too embarrassed to make eye contact. The only way out of this one Nate figures, is through. Fine.

"Sorry Sid. I know that's..." stalker-ish? "...weird."

"Don't be. It's kinda sweet."

Tys rolls his eyes. "It's a bit weird Sid, but whatever floats your boat man."

Schenn, still seated offers, "I like the Sabers!"

They all round on him and at first Nate can't tell if he's joking. When Schenn looks back at them with absolute earnesty the razzing is relentless for the rest of the day. Nate's Penguins obsession is forgotten by dinner.

X

They dock at one of the the larger cities on the Italian Riviera, Sanremo, one bright afternoon. Tys checks in with their local yacht club, sniffing around for information and trying to rub elbows with the local bougies.

Tys had insisted they "make merry" tonight in the pretty city and that they all should dress up a bit, instead of looking like beach bums.

Nate tugs at the stiff cuffs of his white collared shirt and pulls on his suit jacket. He didn't pack a ton of nice clothes, mostly figuring they would be golfing or visiting museums like Sid originally had wanted to do. Being in a long sleeved shirt with layers feels weird after days with barely a t-shirt on but Nate smoothes it out and moves his shoulders around, trying to get used to it. He ducks, using the reflection in the glass of the microwave to try to do something with his hair. 

Sid comes out of one of their shared bathrooms and Nate meets his eyes in the glass. Nate has to turn around immediately to see him properly. 

Sid is in a black collared shirt with dark wash jeans and a black blazer. The Italian lifestyle has been extremely kind to him, he's tanned and lithe. The repeated swims in the sea leave his hair effortlessly flawless and it curls slightly around his ears and on the crown of his head. He's also grown in a bit of stubble lately which suits his tanned face immensely. 

Nate has to laugh, "Fuck you."

Sid looks offended and opens his mouth to clap back when Nate shakes his head in despair and pinches the bridge of his crooked nose. "You look so good."

Nate can hear Sid huff a laugh and he softly takes Nate's hand away from his eyes. He's smiling that crinkle nose smile that Nate loves and hangs on to Nate's hand. "Thank you, Nate."

They stand there in a moment of unspoken suspension and Nate is about to try his luck again. Sid's clever eyes flick lighting quick to Nate's mouth and Nate takes it as the invitation it is. 

Would you let me, if I dared?

Suddenly the boat jolts slightly as Tys leaps on board, yelling about a circus. He's quick enough that Sid doesn't have time to move away from Nate but he does let go of Nate's hand. Tys careens through the door and definitely catches them standing rather close together. Sid jumps away from him and Nate can see his hand flex at his side. In an abortive effort to look casual, Nate leans backwards onto the kitchen countertops to give them a bit more space apart. 

Tys's eyes dart from Nate to Sid in obvious suspicion but he is like a kid in a candy shop - he cannot be stopped. "Guys, holy shit, have we ever got the night of our lives ahead of us."

Schenn comes up from the brig's bathroom also in a collared shirt and tie and looking put-together. "Well what's the 411 Barrie the Platypus?"

Tys slaps a flyer down on the countertop and Nate has to tilt his head to read it. It doesn't help, it's in Italian.

"There is a god damn circus in town, and there is an allegedly insane after party at this local club that sponsors them."

Sid crosses his arms, "A circus? Like with animals and stuff?"

Tys picks the flyer back up and waves it around, "No, cause I asked that too - I don't want any of that animal cruelty shit. No this is just people, kinda like Cirque du Soleil."

Schenn catches the flyer that Tys is waving around, "Yeah, that sounds sick. How do we get in?"

Tys waggles his eyebrows and reaches into his suit pocket, pulling out 4 gold and red tickets.

Nate shakes his head, laughing in disbelief. "Man you are a smooth operator. How the hell did you do that?"

"Dogg, when you are as old and as wise as I am..."

"Tys, you're only 4 years older than me -"

"You learn a thing or two about life." Tys passes Nate his ticket with a feral grin. "Now Nate, my dear Dogg - let's go howl at that moon."

X

They go to a very nice restaurant by the water that serves those small portions but a lot of courses. By the 7th he is pretty sure he's going to explode and it doesn't help that Sid keeps passing him some of his food to eat too because he's too full also.

They split 3 bottles of wine and Nate realizes maybe too late that he's a lightweight when it comes to wine. He never really drank it before, always opting for beer or hard booze and kind of never understood the whole "wine craze" thing. As he bravely tries to walk in a straight line to the theatre, he comes to the horrifying realization that wine is great, actually, and he is drunker than he should be. Wine also seems to make goddamn liquid lava flow through his veins and he's more than a little aroused almost the entire evening. Sid looking like he does right now certainly isn't helping, nor is the moment earlier on the boat playing on repeat in his head, but Nate perseveres. He keeps trying to remember that word on the beach that the Australians were laughing about but can only remember adirondack (which he still has no idea what that is) and his muddled brain keeps turning the word over and over again.

Whatever that word was, the one that makes you horny, clearly wine should be on that list. Should come with a goddamn warning label too.

Sid slows to fall behind Tys and Schenn so he can walk beside Nate. Sid peers at his face and Nate gets a whiff of his cologne. It makes him almost cry. 

"Holy shit Nate, the wine got you that good?"

"I've never had it before!" he erupts. A few people walking past give them strange looks and Sid smiles at them apologetically. 

Nate hisses, much more quieter, "I had no idea I am a fucking lightweight with it, Sid. I didn't go to church every Sunday and drink the stuff."

"Oh my god, Nate," Sid almost stops walking to laugh, "it's not real wine at church, it's fruit juice. At least it was at my church."

That nearly turns Nate's whole world upside down and he stares at Sid. "But...the symbolism or whatever."

Sid sighs long and hard. "Nate, you think they would feed wine to kids?"

Nate throws up his hands, "I don't know!"

Sid grabs his wrist when he almost collides with a lamp post. "Alright. Well, I guess now we know that you can't have wine, so that's good." Sid's trying not to laugh and Nate can't help but laugh with him.

"It's not funny, Sid."

"It's a little funny."

Nate shoves him half-heartedly. They are approaching the theatre and Sid takes Nate's ticket to give to Tys up front.

Nate nearly trips on a crack in the pavement and looks down for half a second to see what caught him. When he looks up, someone has Sid in a half Nelson, twisting his arm behind his back. Sid makes a small sound of pain.

Rage quite unlike Nate has ever felt before makes him go blind.

He succumbs to it.

He swings at the guy holding Sid and catches him square across the jaw. The guy releases Sid and Sid stumbles forward. Nate pushes Sid more out of the way and catches the guy again with a left hook. He's aware his knuckles are splitting but he doesn’t feel it. 

The guy is very tall, he has at least 4 or 5 inches on Nate, but Nate is an animal. 

Nate is winding up for another swing when Sid catches his arm, yelling, “Nate! Stop!”

It clears through some of the haze in Nate’s mind and he pauses.

The guy raises his hands in surrender and spits out some blood. “My bad, Sid. I should have known you’d be with your attack dog.”

Sid grabs Nate’s hand and turns it over to inspect his knuckles. “That was shitty Josi, even I didn’t know who you were.”

Nate is aware of this conversation like he was aware of the one on the beach in Arenzano. He feels a million miles away, the roar in his ears still deafening. He lets Sid manhandle him but doesn’t take his eyes off of Roman Josi, the Swiss born defenseman for the Nashville Predators.

Tys and Schenn are beside him in an instant.

"Holy shit, Nate. Fucking hell - you could have killed him.”

Josi laughs. “No, boys. MacKinnon was just getting warmed up, weren’t you?” He grins with bloody teeth at him and Nate finds himself unable to speak still. 

The tall handsome Swiss laughs again at his silence and wipes his mouth. "Again, sorry guys. My bad." Sid is still a bit tight lipped himself, clearly not happy but Josi plows on. "I heard from a friend of a friend that you guys were cruising the coast, that true?" 

"Yeah, it's true," Schenn offers.

Josi sniffs, "If uh, if MacKinnon doesn't want to kill me after this, we should join you. I'm here with Seguin and Eakin."

Sid furrows his brows, "How did that happen? They literally just played with us against Russia a few days ago."

"I was at the tournament, cheering for the Switzerland of course. Thanks for shit kicking us there guys by the way - and ran into them afterwards. They are doing a bit of sightseeing too, but we went to Milan first for a few days. Heard you guys were on the coast from Matty, and here we are." He performs a small "ta-da" at the end of his tale.

Tys raises their tickets, "But how did you know where we were going to be?"

Josi nods and points to Tys, "That, Barrie, was just pure luck. Or misfortune, if you're my jaw. Depends on how you look at it."

Everyone looks to Nate who finally feels like he can hear and see properly. He's coming down from the adrenaline and his hands have started to shake. The thing is, he actually likes Josi. He's met him a few times and played against him in the league. He's too handsome and too charming for his own good, but he's not a bad guy. Travelling with him and two other Team Canada guys would be a lot of fun.

But he can't forget the sound that Sid made when Josi twisted his arm behind his back.

He can do this. Focus.

Sid, out of sight from the guys, hooks some fingers into Nate's sleeve to try to stop the shaking.

Breathe.

"Yeah," Nate croaks out, "Uh - shit. Sorry man. Scared me."

Josi grins and snaps his fingers at Nate. "All good vän, like I said, that was my mistake."

Nate manages a weak smile and the tension is broken.

Tys's whoops and claps Josi into a one-armed hug, "Then fuck yeah, let's do this! Where are those two pigeons?" 

"They are already inside, I take it you guys are going to this after party too, eh?" Josi asks as they start back towards the theatre. Sid quickly lets go of Nate's sleeve as the guys start to move. He searches Nate's face as if to ask if he's really okay and they hang a half a step behind them.

Nate, suddenly so very tired, nods to reassure him. Because he's weak, he sweeps a hand down the front of Sid's chest and Sid catches it, tangling their fingers and briefly seeking a small moment of comfort for them both. They have to let go instantly but it does help a bit.

They don't say a word and follow the guys down the street.

X

The circus is more of an experience than a full-on production. Guests are encouraged to mingle, drink and watch various performances posted throughout the venue. There is fire eating, acrobatics, actors, mimes and even a small trapeze setup with people swinging up into the rafters. It's dark, loud and packed with people. Some guests are even dressed up, wearing masks and crazy outfits drinking absinthe like its 1926. Nate watches as a group of 40-something year olds huddle together, open large, heart shaped lockets they have around their necks, and sniff what Nate can only assume is cocaine out of them. He is fairly certain he is not the only one to witness this, but the other guests don't bat an eye at it. It causes Nate to look around more critically and he starts to realize that over half of these people are high on some type of drug. Either that, or they are drunk. Most of the time, it's both. 

Drugs, admittedly, make Nate nervous. He doesn't like the idea of them personally; the lack of control over your own body and autonomy is scary to him. He's already a bit of a freak, especially considering what he just did outside, he couldn't imagine what heroin or cocaine would do to him. He's been fed since he was a kid that drugs would ruin your life and that they definitely would ruin his hockey career so he never dared to touch the stuff. He has only really had painkillers for hangovers and headaches, and morphine of course with his foot. The NHL has a strict no drugs policy and they do sometimes randomly test the guys for it. Nate knows a few of them dabble with weed, but mostly to sleep and they are careful about it. 

He nudges Sid and nods in the cocaine group's direction. Sid sees one of the ladies with a giant peacock feathered mask take a huge hit and let out a big whoop. Sid tenses his jaw and also starts to look around, just like Nate did. Nate can tell when Sid realizes what kind of party this is and Sid shifts closer to him. Knowing Sid, Nate's fears about drugs would be similar. Hockey is their life and their livelihood, even being around it would cause a media frenzy and a full-scale investigation.

They do meet up with Tyler Seguin and Cody Eakin inside near the bar. They are both Dallas Stars players and friends that they played with in Prague. It's a fun reunion but the state of Josi's face is obviously the first topic of discussion.

Seguin whistles, "Shit man. Remind me never to get on your bad side." he laughs nervously, glancing at Nate.

"It wasn't him that I grabbed," Josi explains, sipping a bright blue cocktail and jabbing a thumb at Sid.

Eakin, a slightly goofy looking but nice guy, guffaws and nods, "Yeah, okay. That makes sense."

Nate snaps his gaze to Eakin, about to ask what the fuck does that mean, when Tys swerves in to save Nate. "All water under the bridge guys! The Dogg was a little fucked up from the wine at dinner anyways."

At that Nate blushes because it's true and the guys laugh, exclaiming, "He do got that Dogg in him though!" while they jostle his shoulder. Josi truly seems to be fine, and even buys Nate and Sid a drink as an apology. Sid tries to wave him off but Josi insists. 

"We are going to be living together and sailing the open seas, we better get used to each other quick." Josi triumphantly presents them with their drinks and he continues, "Sid, you're a fucking beauty - a walking god among us mortals!" he takes a shot, "And MacKinnon, you've got the cleanest left hook I have ever seen and you use it to protect our boy!" he says resolutely, gesturing to Sid as he downs another shot. Nate can't help but laugh along as he downs his drink. It goes down smooth and Nate makes a plan to get very drunk (again) tonight. But before he forgets, he makes one small request.

"Hey, Josi," he turns to him with a smile, "If you really do feel bad, how about taking my bunk with Schenny?"

Josi looks confused and Sid snorts a laugh. Sid knows that Nate hasn't been sleeping the best with Schenn talking his ear off all night.

"I could, I guess." Josi says apprehensively. He looks over at Sid still laughing and narrows his eyes. "Why?"

Nate just laughs, claps his shoulder and buys them another round. 

X

The show "concludes" with an impressive trapeze performance that actually really amazes Nate. He hates heights, and the idea of swinging around in the air like that makes his palms sweat. The bartenders cut everyone off at midnight, so people slowly start to tickle out the doors and down the street to the after party. 

Nate originally was slightly worried what an "after party" will look like with that many high people, but then he had 6 drinks and now he can't seem to give a damn. He steers clear of them regardless but feels a bit paranoid doing it. No one knows who they are here. No one has to know.

They are all pretty drunk and a few of them have amassed a gaggle of admirers. Schenn, in particular, seems to have found a very pretty Italian girl. Nate can tell that Schenn is trying his best to be smooth. Nate doesn't think Schenn has ever been smooth in his life, but miracles do happen sometimes.

They take the short walk to the club with their newfound group and Sid and Nate walk behind them, watching them flirt outrageously with their pretty new friends. 

"So now there are 7 of us, eh?" Sid laughs quietly.

"Including the girls, there is about 15 of us now." Nate huffs. He thinks about it for a moment, counting, and then re-counting. "Where the hell is everyone going to sleep?"

Sid laughs, "I don't think there is going to be much sleeping tonight."

"Well I plan on it, Jesus. My first night without Schenn snoring in my ear? I am going to take full advantage of that."

"What if I snore?" Sid asks.

"Sid, you already do snore. I know you snore. Yours are nothing compared to Snoring Schenn up there." Nate waves in Schenn's direction up ahead.

Sid must catch a glimpse of Nate's hand and he wordlessly catches it, turning it over in his warm hands to check his knuckles. They are bruising beautifully and the splits have caked over in dried blood. At the theatre, Nate had to use the washroom so he tried to wash the worst of the blood off. It ended up cracking them and making them bleed anew so he sat with some paper towel in the bathroom and waited for the bleeding to stop. The guys probably thought he was taking the world's longest shit but no one questioned him when he got back.

Sid scratches off a fleck of dried blood and Nate's heart presses against his chest.

"I'm sorry I snapped." Nate murmurs bumping lightly into his side.

"I know why you did." Sid answers back just as quietly.

It's the first almost direct time either of them have put a voice to what is going on between them. Ever since Prague, the tension between them has been like a taut bow string; ready to snap at any second. Just like when Nate knew on his knees that Sid was just as affected as he was, Nate knows with some measure of confidence that he isn't alone in this. What that means, or what that even looks like, Nate has no idea but he wants it - desperately.

"Sid - "

"Holy fuck you guys walk like my grandma!"

"Yeah, holy shit guys, let's go! The girls are cold!"

Nate actually tilts his head up to the sky and curses whatever god up there that decided to make hockey players so goddamn annoying. Sid sees him do it and has the balls to actually laugh at him.

Sid grabs his sleeve and drags him to the club.

X

It's deafeningly loud in the club and even more packed than the theatre. They assess the landscape and find the bar first. They all squish together trying to order drinks loud enough with Canadian accents to the Italian bartenders. It's a certifiable miracle that the bartenders even understand them. After a quick cheers they are all promptly swept up in the crowd. Tys is, by far, the drunkest guy in their gang and he slings an arm around Nate's shoulder and yells straight gibberish in his ear.

Nate laughs and shoves him off. Tys roars with a laugh at his own joke that only he understood and dives into the crowd. Schenn is dancing with that pretty girl from earlier, looking like he may not make it back to the yacht tonight with the way she is smiling at him. A few scantily clad dancing girls take notice of them and one of them grabs Sid with his drink in hand, to dance. Nate laughs to himself and shakes his head. He stands by it, Sid is gorgeous. He isn't too jealous, it's just a club. Sid will be coming home with him regardless.

He can hear Josi loudly boasting how he got into a fight defending a little old lady from some thugs and that's why he has bruises on his face and a few girls gasp in shock and awe. Seguin tries to jump in on the story with how he helped and Nate laughs again and prays for strength. 

The pretty blonde dancing with Sid starts to get noticed by her other friends that she caught herself a looker, so she ups the ante. She throws her arms around his shoulders and grinds hard against him. Sid, Nate notices immediately, is uncomfortable but still polite and quite drunk. It's a bit stupid, but Nate really realizes right then that Sid is a man. Watching him dance with the petite blonde, Nate's eyes catch on the breadth of his shoulders, the size of his hands on her waist. It's dizzying how attractive that is and Nate's arousal from earlier comes roaring back. Sid meets his eyes over her head and Nate doesn't look away. The heat sparking up his body turns into an inferno.

A tall redheaded girl that was walking by with her friends stops and looks appraisingly at Nate. He does the kind of cartoon-ish "who me?" look around and she laughs and grabs his hand, dragging him onto the dance floor. Nate is immediately flustered. He went from ogling Sid to dancing with this girl in less than 30 seconds - the whiplash is a bit intense. She has a bright, confident smile and gets close to him immediately, her hands on his hips, moving him with the rhythm of the music. They are a bit further away from Sid and the blonde but every now and then Nate can catch of glimpse of Sid's dark hair.

Nate has long ago acknowledged that he is a terrible dancer but he tries. She doesn't seem to mind and laughs when he isn't sure where he can put his hands.

He ducks close to her ear to yell over the music, "Sorry, uh, I'm not very good!"

She giggles, "Comment cela?"

Ah, she's French. Nate rallies all the high school French and the Quebec hockey school French he has and attempts.

"Je m'appelle Nate - uh, Nathan."

"Elise!" She responds easily with another smile. 

Okay so far so good. Her accent is very different than Quebecois French but Nate hopes she understands.

"Je suis Canadien." 

"Ah," Elise raises an eyebrow at him, "C'est pour ça que tu connais le français!"

Nate shrugs, "Seulement un petit peu."

The song changes and the overhead lights sweep the floor. Nate and Elise have moved closer to the edge, closer to Sid, and it seems like the blonde has some competition with a brunette that is dancing against Sid's back. Josi and Tys are near him though, both with partners of their own so Nate knows at least he'll be okay. The lights flash against Sid's face and Nate can't look away from him.

"Ah." Elise says.

Nate tears his eyes away from Sid only to see Elise smiling at him in a knowing way. "Il t'appartient, n'est-ce pas?"

Nate blushes and shrugs. "Je veux qu'il le fasse."

Elise looks back over at Sid critically and Nate wonders how this is his life. 

"Tu veux que je t'aide?"

Nate looks at her confused, "Comment?"

She glances quick at Sid again and must see something there because she takes Nate's face in her hands and she kisses him.

Nate has no idea what to do, but he trusts this strange French girl so he goes with it. It's been so long since Nate has kissed anyone that it feels a bit foreign, but nice. He feels like he's been on a low simmer of arousal since they came to Europe so having a warm body enthusiastically kissing him feels good, even if it's not the right person. She's pretty, nice and smells good. Nate could do worse. She's also apparently a talented actress because she really sells the kiss; bending backwards so her long red hair falls over her back as she melts into him. Fuck it. He wraps his arms around her and gives as good as he's getting. He can feel her smile against his lips when he starts to kiss her back.

After an indeterminate amount of time, she pulls back from him with another megawatt smile. Nate blinks at her, a bit dazed, and she laughs. She gives him a quick peck on the lips with a mouthed Bonne chance and she takes off. Nate lets her go watching her try to seek out her friends.

Eakin comes out of nowhere and slaps his ass. "Holy shit Dogg, she was hot as fuck!"

Nate laughs, a bit overwhelmed and swivels his head around, trying to find Sid. The blonde and the brunette that were dancing with him are also gone, likely looking around for a new target. Nate spots Josi with a beautiful black girl that is almost as tall as him, but Sid isn't with him either. Tys is dancing with someone and Seguin is with him, but again, no Sid.

Nate tries not to panic.

He gets off the dance floor and heads for the bar, trying to spot Sid's dark hair and shirt. When he's not there, Nate allows himself to panic a bit. What if Sid saw and he's pissed? What if Nate just blew this? 

But then he gets angry. Sid has a fucking girlfriend - Perfect Kathy. He has no right to be pissed at Nate. Nate is absolutely gone on him, but that's Nate's problem. And besides, even if Sid didn't have a girlfriend, he doesn't seem to have the balls to make a move, so Nate is going to kiss pretty girls in clubs. If Sid doesn't like it, then he is a hypocrite.

He ducks just outside one of the main entrances to the club and asks the huge tattooed man if he's seen Sid, but the bouncer doesn't speak much English and just waves Nate away. He comes back into the club and nearly runs into Elise.

She looks relieved to see him and grabs his arms, "Nathan, nous avons ton petit ami."

He frowns at her, "Où -"

"Les toilettes, allez." she interrupts and tugs his hand. He follows her back through the club and through the writhing bodies.

She pulls him into the ladies bathroom (Nate checks to see if anyone is going to make a big deal about that or not, evidently not) and Nate recognizes a few of Elise's friends sitting on the floor next to Sid who's propped up against one of the bathroom stalls.

Nate's heart stops beating, and his ears rush. Sid is hurt. Something is wrong.

He throws himself to the floor and takes Sid's face in his hands. His eyes are barely open and his breathing is rapid and shallow. Nate gently peels open one of Sid's eyelids and nearly recoils in shock. His pupils are huge. "Sid, hey," Nate curls a hand into the back of Sid's hair, "Sid, can you hear me?"

One of Elise's friends speaks behind him with a very thick French accent. "Clarence saw someone put a uh, pilule, in his drink."

Fuck.

Fuck.

Another girl softly speaks up as well. "Marilee had the same thing happen to her last week. At least we know how to do."

The first one behind Nate explains, "While you were dancing with Elise, we took him, bring him in here."

Elise softy says, "Tellement désolé, Nathan."

Date Rape. Someone tried to Date Rape Sid. 

Nate feels like he's going to throw up. 

It feels so wrong, so disgusting, that someone as talented, famous and fucking outstanding as Sid could be reduced to this by a pill. A fucking pill. An All-Star NHL captain, World Champion, Olympic Champion, Stanley Cup winner and a man who bakes his teammates banana bread loafs. A pill. With the worst intentions.

It's so fucked up.

Nate can feel the rage start to consume him and he stifles it. Anger isn't going to help Sid right now. These girls literally saved him, he needs to focus on that.

"Elise, merci. Merci à vous tous" he croaks. He turns to one of the ones who spoke, "You said this happened to Marilee? How long did it last?"

"For her, it was all night. For him," she nods at Sid, "maybe 4, 5, hours? He's bigger, you know. Wear out quicker."

Nate nods, it makes sense. He touches Sid's face in hopes of getting a response - nothing. Nate grits his teeth and scoops him up, bridal style, off the bathroom floor.

The girls all move and let Nate adjust to Sid's weight. He's obviously not a small guy by any means, but Nate feels like he could throw a truck right now. He barely feels it.

Elise grabs his elbow and pulls them out of the bathroom and through a back hallway of the club. "Il y a une porte dérobée ici, personne ne vous verra."

They burst out into a deserted back alley and Nate looks at Elise.

"Elise...merci pour toit." 

She smiles sadly at him and rubs Sid's arm. "De rien. Prends soin de lui." Nate smiles weakly at her.

He turns to start walking back to the yacht when she speaks again, "Il t'aime aussi, Nathan."

He looks at her in confusion. She explains, "Les filles m'ont dit avant qu'il ne s'effondre, tout ce qu'il a dit c'était ton nom." She shrugs, "C'est tout ce qu'il a dit."

He shakes his head, an automatic response, but finds he has nothing to say.

"Bonne nuit, Nathan."

X

By the time they reach The Disciple, it's about 4:50 am and Nate's arms are killing him. He is able to sneak past the yacht security and has to set Sid down to unlock the door. Once inside, Nate scoops Sid back up with gritted teeth and brings him into his bedroom. 

He takes a moment to stretch out his shoulders, neck and back and take a breath. Over the walk, Sid's breathing improved and a bit of colour came back to his face. Nate checks his pulse, still strong and healthy thank fuck, and sets on to take Sid's shoes off. Sid's clothes are disgusting, sweaty from the drug and dirty from the bathroom floor. Nate really does not want to overstep here but Sid can't be comfortable in that.

Nate laughs to himself humourlessly. This was not the way he ever thought he would get to undress Sid, in such shitty circumstances. He takes a deep breath and starts to unbutton his shirt.

"I always wanted to do this with you - not, you know, for you."

Sid doesn't respond.

Nate sighs. "I hope you aren't mad at me for Elise. If you even saw it."

He pauses, just checking that Sid can't hear him. "She did it to make you jealous. I don't think it worked."

Nate pulls Sid's arms out of the sleeves and throws the dirty shirt on the floor. Now the pants. Nate takes another deep breath. 

He pulls Sid's belt from it's loops and undoes the top button. He has to stop.

"Fuck."

A pill. A fucking drug did this. If the girls hadn't gotten him...

Sid's eyes twitch under his eyelids and his skin is clammy and cold. Looking at him, Nate almost doesn't recognize him. It strikes him then that they are a long ways from home.

He leaves Sid's pants on.

He looks back up at Sid's face. He pushes his sweaty hair away from his forehead.

"We have to talk about this soon or else I am going to lose my mind."

Sid remains unresponsive and Nate checks his pulse again. The same.

"Wake up, Sid. Please."

X

Nate wakes up warm and squished to the wall. Afternoon Italian Rivera sun is pouring into the porthole window

After this morning and getting Sid settled in bed, Nate had grabbed his stuff from his old room and threw it into theirs. He tried to sleep in his own top bunk but started panicking that Sid wasn't breathing, his heart had stopped, he was suffocating - so Nate had jumped from his bunk and curled himself around Sid's back. He pulled Sid close enough to feel his steady heartbeat under his palms and hear the sound of his breaths. It finally calmed his anxiety enough to lull him to sleep. He only woke when he heard the boys return and the boat engine start. They were loud and clearly succeeded in their conquests last night. They were maybe a bit hungover, but fine. No one tampered with their drinks. With so many more bodies on the boat, the ruckus was never going to end so Nate had texted Tys that Sid and him felt like shit and were going to sleep for most of the day. Tys sent him a thumbs up and it was much quieter after that. 

Now, Sid is draped, shirtless, over Nate's chest. At first, Nate is groggy and slow in waking. He looks down at the bird's nest of dark hair on the top of Sid's head and thinks this is just a very nice dream. But then Sid starts to stir.

Nate immediately runs a hand through Sid's hair and tilts his face up to see his eyes. He nearly cries in relief when Sid's eyes blink back at him, looking normal. Warm hammered bronze, just a bit sluggish.

"Hey, sweetheart."

Sid squints in the bright light and tries to focus on Nate's face. "Nate?"

"Yeah it's me."

"I feel...like shit."

Nate huffs a laugh. "Yeah, I bet."

Sid doesn't answer and starts to look really pale. Nate scrambles up and grabs the trash can in the cabin just in time for Sid to puke into it. 

Nate rubs his back and pulls a water bottle out of his duffle.

When he's done, Nate tucks the trash away and hands Sid the water bottle. He goes to grab it but misjudges the distance and dizzily has to recalibrate laying back down.

"What - what the fuck..." Sid gasps and tries to push himself to sit upright. Nate reaches out and has to help him, Sid's muscles are useless. It's then when Sid starts to look genuinely scared. "Nate..."

Nate doesn't know how to do this. 

Sid starts wobbling even just sitting up and Nate grabs his shoulders. "Easy, Sid."

Sid is looking around the room like the whole room is spinning, trying to focus on one thing but being unable to. Nate takes his face.

"Hey, Sid - look at me."

Sid does, looking so scared and still so blurry from the drug.

Nothing to it but to do it. 

"Last night, someone slipped Date Rape into your drink. At the club."

Sid stares at him, desperately trying to focus.

"A few, I guess friends of mine, saw it happen and got you off the dance floor before you collapsed. They brought you to the women's bathroom and then got me. I carried you home."

Sid stops wobbling and goes very still. He closes his eyes and breathes. The cabin gets very quiet and Sid's heartbeat under Nate's hands slows alarmingly down. 

"In my duffle, there are some pills. If I don't respond in the next 3 hours, give me a pill, okay?"

"Sid, what - the club -"

Sid takes his hand that still cups his jaw. "Nate, please."

Nate crouches on his heels and looks up at him. It makes an ugly click in his brain when he figures it out. "Sid. Stay. Stay here with me."

Sid makes a broken sound, "I'll try."

"Can I lay here with you then?"

Sid nods and Nate crawls back into his bed. Sid immediately plasters himself to Nate's chest and Nate holds him so tight it must crush him. Sid doesn't complain. 

"Stay, Sid. You're okay."

"I'll try. The pills are in my duffle."

"Okay. It's going to be okay. I have you."

Sid stops responding and tears spring to Nate's eyes.

"Sid?"

His breathing slows down alarmingly and he gets heavier in Nate's arms.

"It's going to be okay, I got you."

"I'm not going anywhere."

X

Nate times it out on Sid's watch.

After two hours Nate starts to doze, so he pulls Sid's textbook out and starts softly reading aloud about Holland and their occupation in the Second World War. Sid's eyes remain open, his breathing heavy and slow. He is awake, but not really; staring blankly at a spot on the floor while his mind shuts down from the stress.

It's terrifying. 

It's nowhere near as perverted as the drug, but the fact that Sid just...isn't there, while he's warm in Nate's arms, is horrifying. He can't imagine how Taylor must have felt seeing her strong big brother like this, and how worried she must have been in order to bring him to the hospital. Nate's suspicions from earlier are confirmed. Sid either swings out in anger when he's cornered, or if it's really bad, he does this.

He holds him tighter and keeps reading.

At two and a half hours, Nate is about to gently extract himself to find Sid's medication when he stirs. It starts with a twitch of his feet, almost like he's trying to skate and Nate stops reading to search his face. Another twitch of his feet and his hand sweeps up Nate's arm.

Nate laughs in broken relief. "Hey."

Sid coughs and Nate passes him the water bottle. 

Sid drinks, takes a few deep breaths and blinks up at Nate.

"You're here."

Nate smiles. "Of course."

Sid looks away and Nate can see the shame come.

"No, no, Sid. It's okay. Jesus Christ, you've dealt enough with my shit over the years, this - " Nate tilts his head up so Sid can see he means it, "is nothing."

Sid shakes his head, "It's fucking weird, Nate."

Nate can't help himself, he laughs. It seems to startle Sid enough that he looks more awake. "I break things and hurt people when I get like this Sid. You just do this." he waves around the room. "This is infinitely better."

Sid cracks a wobbly smile.

Nate smiles back, willing him to understand that literally, Nate would do anything for him. That he could never think less of him for his shit, because Nate has a metric shit ton of his own. 

I love you. I love you enough.

"How you feeling?"

Sid coughs a little again and shakes his head, "Better, but I feel like I've been hit by a truck."

Nate hums. He can only imagine. "If you felt it coming on, why wouldn't you take a pill earlier?" It's something that Nate wondered about the first hour in holding him.

Nodding like he expected that, Sid responds, "I'm never sure how it is going to interact with other things. If I had alcohol or..." he takes a breath, "drugs, it might make me sicker. I didn't want to risk it."

Right.

Even in the midst of a profound panic attack, Sid is still way smarter than Nate.

"I can usually come out of it on my own. Just takes a long time." Sid says quietly. "It hasn't been that bad in years though."

Nate rubs his arm, "Glad you're back with me." Sid smiles tiredly at him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nate asks quietly.

Sid takes a long moment, debating if knowing or not knowing would cause him to panic again. He clears his throat finally and whispers, "Can I ask some questions?"

Nate nods, "Of course."

He props his head up on his hands and looks up at Nate. "Who were your friends that got me?"

Nate hesitates for a second but then asks, "How much do you remember?"

Sid furrows his brows, concentrating, trying to remember, "Not much. There were these girls dancing with me. You were off to the side. I think you were talking to a redhead?"

Nate smiles at the memory of Elise; Elise who saved Sid with her friends and who just wanted Nate to 'get the guy'. Nate sends a silent prayer to the universe that Elise has a perfect life and she never wants for anything. 

"Elise, yeah. Her and her friends saved you."

Sid suddenly stiffens and avoids eye contact.

Nate brushes Sid's arm, "Hey, you okay? You need me to get -"

"She kissed you."

Shit.

Nate can feel himself blush, "Uh, yeah. She did." Sid's expression is unreadable but his body language is rigid. Nate, never one to stop talking at a good time, forages ahead, "Kinda out of nowhere, um. She was trying to make someone jealous."

Alarm bells ring in Nate's head. Too much information, pull up, pull up - 

"Hm. Did it work?" Sid asks.

"I don't know." Nate honestly answers.

Sid searches his face and after a moment, seems satisfied with that. He rolls over and gingerly sits up. "I am never going to a fucking club ever again."

Nate snorts at him, just weak with relief that he's okay, they are okay.

Sid turns and looks over his shoulder at him. "Did you really carry me all the way back to the boat?"

Nate sighs and sits up too, letting the bedsheets pool around his waist. "Yeah."

"Andy is going to be so impressed."

Nate laughs and bumps his forehead against Sid's bare shoulder.

X

Nate helps Sid shakily get dressed and they emerge from their cabin to see the rest of the guys and find some food. They are all sprawled out on the deck (except Tys, who's driving the boat and who waves at them when they see him) in the blood red sunset. As soon as the guys see them in the doorway, they chirp them relentlessly for how "soft" they are.

"Crosby can't take one night out, eh?"

"Two girls dancing on him and he has to pass out, it's too much for him."

"And then they sleep until fucking 8:00. My god guys, that's just weak."

Nate and Sid take it with good grace. They mutually agreed that they would never tell a soul about what happened in that club. Sid couldn't bare being ridiculed for it, and Nate would start swinging at anyone who tried.

Josi passes them some food that he made, grilled fish and rice and Nate nods to him, grateful. Josi slaps his back and turns to give Sid his plate. "Eat up guys, you both look like shit."

It seems like Josi, Seguin and Eakin were in the middle of telling Schenn about Milan when they came up. They pick up their conversation and Nate half listens as he eats. Despite laying in bed all day with Sid, he's exhausted. The sun bleeds the world red and the sea looks like it is catching fire. It's absolutely stunning. Nate pulls out his phone and takes a photo.

"Aha! There she is!" Seguin cries, pointing out front off the bow.

They all move to see. In the distance, a beautiful city sprawls from the mountains right down to the sea.

Monte Carlo.

X

Chapter Text

The yacht is stopped by a coastal immigration team when they get closer to the country's waters. They hop aboard The Disciple and check their passports, doing a cursory sweep of their space for any paraphernalia. Besides the booze (which they are allowed to keep, it just has to stay on the boat), they are practically saint-like and it's over quick.

Sid, still understandably shaky, is recognized by one of coast guards and the guard asks for a photo with him. Sid, with herculean effort, smiles for the camera and the guard shakes his hand, talking quickly in a confusing mix of French, Italian and English. Nate quietly translates what he catches in French for Sid and the guard is even more enthused by that.

His coworkers manage to pry the guard off of Sid and they wave them on to dock at one of the international yacht clubs.

Monte Carlo is much larger than Nate originally thought. Of course, it's kind of a whole country, he knows, but everyone at home seems to joke about how tiny it is. Docking at the international yacht club docks, the city towers over them and Nate snorts. Tiny his ass.

The buildings look like they are pushing in on themselves, trying to be the first to reach the water. There is a half and half blend of modern high rises, and old architecture with clay roofs and bright white walls. Some streets are cobblestone, some are pavement. The bay itself is also large, housing many different marinas and despite the late hour, they all bustle with life. The air is stagnant and warm, overheated from the sun roasting the stones all day. It's beautiful and unusual and Nate takes a liking to it immediately.

They all help with the docking routine and Tys goes to check in. Josi, Seguin, Schenn and Eakin all start to scheme about where to go next and make plans for the night. Sid waves them off, there is no way he can go with them, but Nate is intrigued by the city and he wants to explore. He was bone-tired not even an hour earlier but the city energizes him.

Tys hops back aboard with the go-ahead and he claps his hands. "Me hearty crew - "

"Oh god."

"We are going to be here for two nights so get comfy. No breaking hearts on the first night because they will find us and sink The Disciple and that would be bad."

Josi solemnly agrees and Sid snorts.

"So tonight, let's give them a warm Canadian welcome, eh?"

The guys all cheer and Nate laughs.

It's already fairly late, but Nate just wants to see the city. He agrees to go with them for an hour.

They all rush to change and grab a drink on the boat before they head out. Nate slides discretely up to Sid and leans close, "You going to be okay?"

Sid flushes, his eyes flashing, "I'm a basket case, Nate, but I can actually brush my teeth by myself."

Nate reads his face and nods. Sid's exhausted and bitchy. He needs space and sleep.

"Okay."

He joins the guys at the bar in the boat. Nate gets handed a gin and tonic from Tys and he throws it back. Tys slaps his ass and they take off.

X

Monte Carlo is deceivingly steep; the streets wind up the sides of the mountains but feels good to move his body after sleeping all day. People walking around are dressed like movie stars with thousands of pounds of designer jewelry and clothes casually flaunted down dark cobblestone streets. Nate is in shorts and t-shirt, he sticks out like a sore thumb. The other guys are a bit better off, Josi is a goddamn rocket and couldn't look bad if he tried and Eakin always just looks like red-haired Q-tip so they make for an interesting group.

They find a cigar bar first and Tys shows him the art of a well-crafted cigar. It's actually interesting and a lot more complicated than Nate originally thought. He ends up buying one that Tys insists upon and decides to save it for a special occasion.

The cigar bar serves locally made wine that pairs with their cigars and Nate eyes it warily. Last time his wine experience was...interesting. He wonders if it will affect him the same way.

X

It's 12:56 am and Nate is wine drunk. Again.

The guys still had a ton of energy left so they left to find another club. Nate feels sick even just thinking about a club so he takes off back to the boat, wishing them luck.

He is proud of himself though for keeping it together enough to walk (relatively) straight down the uneven dark streets. He's pretending for no one that he's completely sober, actually, and that he's just really into looking up at the architecture to see where he's going. That's why he's stumbling a bit. No other reason.

He passes by an enormously large cathedral that has some homeless people sleeping on the benches outside. He is more than halfway past when the church tolls it's 1:00 bell. 

He jumps nearly out of his skin.

"Shit!"

The bell toll is so loud it vibrates Nate's chest and echoes down the street. In the ringing silence, someone is laughing in the darkness of the cathedral's steps. "You alright, young man?"

Nate squints into the gloom and walks closer.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, um..."

A priest in black robes moves more into the light and Nate internally smacks himself.

"Oh fuck. I mean - shit, sorry Father."

The priest laughs. "It's alright."

Nate assesses him as best he can in the dim light. He's young, probably about Sid's age, and has a kind face. He has an Italian accent and a rosary around his neck.

Nate is drunk and an idiot and the first think he blurts out is, "Do you guys actually drink wine in church?"

The priest chuckles, likely it's the last thing that he expected a drunk Canadian to say in the middle of the night. "Yes, we do."

Nate knew it. Sid is full of shit.

"Even for kids? Or pregnant women?"

The priest moves closer to him, down the steps of the church and comes to stand beside Nate. "Yes, it's only a tiny sip. It won't hurt them."

Nate nods, victorious.

The priest sees this and smiles at him, "Why?"

"Oh, I uh, have a good friend who is Catholic and he says they give them fruit juice in church. I thought he was full of shi- full of it, and turns out I am right."

The priest laughs again, "Where is your friend?"

"He's here," Nate waves towards the docks. "He's um, sick tonight so I went out without him. Just going back to check on him now."

The priest nods, "You sound like a good friend."

Nate shrugs and blessedly keeps his mouth shut for once.

"What are you doing at the church so late?" Nate asks nodding up at the towering spires of the dark cathedral.

The priest gestures to the sleeping homeless. "Feeding them. Caring for them. They said it would get cold tonight."

Nate is Canadian so cold is relative but he nods, pretending that 20 degrees is a bit nippy for the priest's sake.

"That's nice of you." Nate says quietly looking around. There are about 5 people, some on benches and others right on the pavement. They range in age from about Nate’s age to 70. Nate couldn’t imagine how difficult their lives would be out here. 

Another laugh, "It is my job. It is the Lord's will, to care for those around us. Just like you care for your friend."

Nate squirms internally. He actively lusts almost daily after his friend, who happens to be a man, and who also happens to be one of the most famous athletes in the world. The way Nate 'cares' about Sid is not the same as making sure the homeless have enough to eat. Nate is fairly certain the priest would condemn him if ever knew that God isn't the man Nate wants to worship. He can feel the anxiety creep up his spine and turn his fingers numb.

The priest picks up on Nate's hesitation and he mistakes Nate's discomfort for humility. He shakes his head with a smile. "Caring is a brave act. It is an extension of love."

Nate's eyes snap to his face. His ears start to ring.

"Yeah, but - I mean you don't love these guys, right?" Nate gestures weakly at the sleeping men.

The priest nods, "I do in a way. We are all God's children. We all must love one another." He looks back at Nate and shrugs, "It is the bravest thing we can do.”

Nate's fingers have completely gone numb now and he feels like he has to run away from this. The warm wine pumping through his veins rapidly feels like it’s being replaced by ice.

"Uh, right. That's -" Nate is quickly spiraling, taking a half step away from the priest to flee.

But then, like sunlight bursting through fog, a beautiful windy beach on the coast of Prince Edward Island comes to mind. A thousand miles away but still fresh in Nate’s memories like it was yesterday.

It slams into Nate so hard he has to blink to clear the vision of waves out of his eyes. 

It’s been a long time since Nate has thought of that beach. Like finding an old forgotten favourite song, it still comforts him in a way that Nate could never hope to express in words. 

He never understood why his brain fixated on it at the time. Now he gets it. 

Sid. 

Immediately like a dam cracking under pressure, memories come pouring out of him. Sid. His face, the memory of him hoisting a trophy, him jumping in a shining sea, his stupid laugh. The sound of his wind chime on his patio, him gently touching Nate's bruised knuckles.

He needs to see Sid.

The priest has been silently watching Nate battle with his emotions with a slight, but knowing, smile on his face. Nate snaps back to reality - he’s in Monte Carlo on a dark street with a priest. He’s not on a beach.

He takes a deep breath.

The priest smiles once more at him and quietly speaks. "Thank you for stopping and for the conversation. I hope it helped.”

Nate (still quite drunk) lunges forward and hugs him.

"Thank you. I think it does.”

The priest huffs a small laugh and pats Nate on the back. "Prego."

Nate pulls out his wallet and slaps 100 euros into the priest's hands. He may be a sinner, but it doesn't mean he can't lift other people up to be better than him. The priest ogles down at the bill and looks like he is about to protest.

Nate takes one last look at the huge, centuries old church and spins on his heel before the priest can give it back. 

He sprints down the street.

X

He gallops back to The Disciple, winded, still a bit drunk, and hurtles himself onto the deck. A small bundle in a blanket is wrapped up on the deck and exclaims "What the -"

Nate wheezes, trying to catch his breath and leans his hands on his knees. He doesn’t have a plan and he doesn’t care.

"Nate? What the fuck -"

Nate tries to get his shit together and slaps his knees as he rights himself, "I talked to God."

Sid stands up, clearly worried and comes over to touch Nate's face. "Are you high? Did you get drugged too?"

Nate can't stop looking at him. He's so beautiful.

He laughs, "No, I'm okay. I mean I had some wine, but I'm okay."

Sid tilts his head back to the stars swirling overhead and he sighs, exasperated, "Wine, Nate? Really? Remember what happened last time?"

Nate catches his face with a laugh and kisses him.

Instantly, nothing else in the world matters.

Sid is warm and strong in his hands, the kiss is sweet and soft. It's over before it even begins.

Nate withdraws after a breath to let Sid process. Sid blinks hugely back at him, stars literally reflected in his eyes.

"You just kissed me." he whispers.

Nate nods, "Yeah. I did."

Sid takes a moment, his eyes darting over Nate's face and Nate can see it in his eyes when Sid lets go. He slips his arms around Nate's waist and kisses him hard.

Nate huffs an overjoyed laugh and pulls Sid to him, too in love and too happy to care if the kiss is even good. He runs his hands through the hair above Sid's ears and over his strong shoulders. 

Sid's hands are restless on him too, finally having permission and the freedom to touch is a privilege. He splays his hands in between Nate's shoulder blades and runs them up and down his back. Nate bites at his lips and Sid opens to him, willingly. Nate groans and explores Sid’s mouth. Nate's brain goes from sweet relief to blazing arousal in a split second and Nate can't control his body's reaction. Nate tries to angle his hips away - he doesn't want pressure Sid - but Sid skims his hands over his ass and pulls his hips to him. They are both hard.

"Oh fuck," Nate gasps.

Sid takes the opportunity to bite at Nate's neck and Nate needs to get them horizontal as soon as possible.

"You sure, ah, Sid you sure?"

"Fuck, Nate I swear to god if you don't..."

That's good enough for Nate. He dives in kissing Sid's wet mouth again so hard that their teeth clack together and fists the front of Sid's shirt, dragging him into the yacht.

They stumble back through the door and down the stairs, never separating their mouths for a second. Nate pushes open their bedroom door and practically falls onto Sid when he shuffles backwards on his knees onto the lower bed. Sid huffs a small laugh at their inelegance and Nate snorts too. They both take a moment to breathe, to check in. To see if they are really going to do this.

Sid smiles so softly at him and runs a finger down his face, tracing his features. He just looks at him and nods. Nate nods back, surging up and kissing him heavily, already addicted to his taste.

Like an ocean tide, they quickly find a rhythm again. Sid pulls off his own shirt but helps Nate with his shorts, Nate pulls off his socks and hooks a thumb in his shirt collar, pulling it over his head. Down to their underwear, Nate drops his weight to his elbows and grinds on Sid. Sid makes a beautiful, breathless sound and Nate does it again, just to hear it.

Bare skin to skin is heady. Nate feels like he could just touch Sid forever and never get sick of it. Sid's body is a work of art; honed to be as strong as a warrior. Nate has seen this body work, the power and skill it possesses. He's fantasized about it for years and now that he's here, he wants to touch every inch of it.

Sid, however, has different plans. He grabs on to Nate’s ass to direct his movements and Nate grins. He likes a bit of a power struggle and it looks like Sid's stubbornness and single-minded determination also translates to sex.

Nate ducks away from Sid’s lips to kiss him everywhere, his jaw, his temple, and worship attention on his neck. That causes Sid to outright squirm and lose the last of his patience. 

“Nate, oh - fuck. Nate, please.”

Nate comes up for air and moves back to Sid’s lips, “Anything.” He breathes, “Anything you want.”

Sid unceremoniously tugs off Nate’s underwear and takes him in his hand. 

Nate cries out and he’s quickly lost, spinning away somewhere out towards the stars. It’s over embarrassingly quickly but Nate doesn't give a shit. He comes with Sid’s name on his lips with Sid kissing his own name as it’s breathed out of him. 

Nate near enough collapses after on top of him, but he has a goal. If he only gets one night of this, he’s going to take anything he can.

He thumbs the band of Sid’s underwear and asks silent permission. Sid nods, watching him with warm eyes. Nate tugs it down and off. The miles of tan skin that tormented Nate in Prague is on full display and Nate takes every advantage, kissing and licking every mole, freckle or scar. Sid sighs shakily, still painfully hard, and allows him to explore. Finally Nate reaches a point where he has to look. He checks in with Sid again who breathes a shaky "Yes." He steels himself and looks down. Sid, like the rest of him, is perfect. He’s a bit smaller than Nate but Nate is fairly substantial. Nate has never been this close to another man’s dick before, especially an aroused one, and he experimentally traces the vein with a finger. Sid keens and Nate smiles.

"You ass.” Sid whispers.

"Sorry sweetheart, what was that?”

He thumbs the head and Sid gasps.

"Fuck, Nate please. Touch me, please.”

Nate, never afraid of a challenge, moves down Sid’s body kissing as he goes. He’s never done this before, but he knows what he likes. And at least it’s Sid. He feels like he can do this if it’s Sid.

"Nate…” Sid breathes, “You don’t have to - ah” Sid arches off the bed as Nate, without preamble, licks Sid into his mouth. 

Nate’s dick gives a valiant twitch with the feel and the weight of Sid in his mouth and he groans. He takes more of him in and breathes around his length. 

Sid winds his hands into Nate's hair and just lets Nate take over.

Nate sets up a rhythm that he is comfortable with and only chokes a few times. Sid writhes on the bed the deeper Nate takes him and Nate laughs at how responsive he is. At one point he looks up to see Sid watching him. Sid traces the shape of himself through Nate’s cheek and Nate knows that he’s remembering Nate kneeling in front of him in Prague. That reignites heat up Nate’s spine at the memory and he doubles down.

"Nate, you’ve got to - ah, fuck.”

Nate shakes his head and speeds up. He himself is almost fully hard again just from watching Sid chase his pleasure.

"Are you sure, oh my god Nate, I’m going - I’ve got to - “

Nate looks up just in time to see it. Sid is practically levitating off the bed, his back arched so much it almost looks painful. His face scrunches up and he lets out a soft cry.

Warmth spreads on Nate’s tongue and he swallows it, licking around the head to catch everything. It's bitter and earthy and not at all as gross as girls make it seem. Nate licks his lips and gently lets Sid go to look up Sid’s body to check on him. He’s glistening in sweat and breathing similarly to how he breathes after an intense drill. His arm is thrown over his eyes and he’s shaking his head.

Nate scoots up his body and grabs his t-shirt from the floor to mop up the mess Nate made earlier on Sid’s abdomen. Sid lets him clean him up and Nate curls into his side.

Sid starts laughing and Nate looks up at him, a bit alarmed.

"Fuck.” Sid huffs. 

Nate smoothes a hand over Sid’s side, concerned. “Was that okay? I mean, I know I’m not a pro but - “

Sid rolls them over so Nate gets thrown to his back, Sid’s superhuman strong legs clenching around him so he can’t move. He has Nate’s wrists pinned to the bed and Nate is helpless. Nate has to blink and reorient himself but then Sid is kissing him within an inch of his life. Nate whimpers as he gets fully hard again. 

Sid is a bit of a freak in bed and Nate is more in love than ever. 

Sid takes his sweet time mapping out Nate's body with kisses and touches. Nate remains helpless, prone, as Sid has his way with him. Nate whines and squirms but he loves it. He wants Sid to own him.

Sid eventually also rallies and the harder he gets, the more dominant his kisses become. Nate tries to keep up but his head is swimming. He distantly realizes that he may die like this, but he's unconcerned - after all, what a way to go.

Sid slides off of him at one point when they are both achingly hard and ducks out of the room. Nate props himself up on his elbows and tries not to panic that the guys might see Sid wandering around. They are still out in the city. They will never know.

Sid comes back triumphant with a small jar of Vaseline. He crawls back over Nate and kisses him deeply. “It’s not lube but it will do.”

Ah. Clever.

Sid straddles his thighs and slicks up his hand. “With me, give me your hand.”

Nate obliges and Sid takes both of them in their joined fists. 

The feeling is wild; so tight, hot and slick. Nate thrashes on the bed but Sid somehow stays rooted on his thighs. Sid ends up pressed to his chest, both of their hands flying over themselves and Nate comes first, gasping. 

Sid kisses him through it and he cries out a second or two after.

Nate near enough passes out and isn’t aware of Sid moping him up and pulling the sheet over them both. 

Sid laughs at him and stokes his face. “You with me?”

Nate hums and kisses his forehead in response. He’s so happy. He can’t believe this is real. 

After a few minutes of catching their breath, Sid speaks.

"Nate?”

He hums.

"Can you speak French?”

Nate laughs but then groans. “I am so tired Sid.”

"Say something in French.”

"Tu es très beau.'

Sid smiles at him. “I know that one.” Nate smiles tiredly back. 

“C’est vrai.”

Sid kisses his chest.

“Tu es un monstre quand tu fais l'amour.”

Sid tilts his head at him, missing most of that. “I heard monster and love…I think.”

"Sex. Make love.” Nate quietly corrects. Nate flushes a bit at the wording but Sid doesn’t look away. 

It takes him a minute to puzzle it out but then, “Did you call me a monster in bed?”

Nate laughs and nods. Sid lightly bites his rib cage. Nate gasps and he can feel himself twitch. With the way Sid is laying against him, he feels it too.

Sid grins evilly at him.

"No, oh my god Sid, no I think I’d die.” but he’s filling, albeit slower, again. Sid laves at one of Nate’s nipples and Nate cries. Sid ducks a hand under the bedsheet and traces the shape of him.

“How -ah, Sid - how, you’re like a million years older than me, how can you go again?”

Sid bites harder than he did before on one of Nate’s nipples in retaliation for the age comment. Nate’s head thumps back against the pillow as he gasps for air. His traitorous dick starts to tent the bedsheet and he can feel Sid respond against his thigh.

"Talk to me.” Sid whispers against his chest. Nate knows what he means.

“Tu vas me tuer, ah - Sid.”

Sid bites at his hipbone as he slides down Nate’s body. 

“Je suis tellement attiré par toi.”

Sid slips between Nate’s thighs and Nate spreads them more to accommodate him.

"Je veux t'embrasser tous les jours. Je veux faire ça tous les jours.”

Sid takes him into his mouth. Nate’s brain whites out.

He isn’t aware of anything, only the feel of Sid’s warm mouth and the feel of his thick hair under Nate’s hands. He’s louder than the first two times, more sensitive and more wrung out. He’d be embarrassed if he had a brain cell left. Nate is aware that Sid isn’t necessarily the best but he is meticulous; every move he makes is calculated to get a response from Nate. At one point Sid slides a hand down to stroke himself as he sucks Nate and the image alone pushes Nate over the edge. 

It's weak and almost painful, but Sid swallows it all. Nate must actually black out for a few seconds because he wakes to Sid gasping against his thigh, using his own hand as he comes for the third time tonight. 

Nate sluggishly runs his hands through Sid’s hair and they both catch their breath. Black spots dance at the corners of Nate's vision and he feels heavy enough to fall right through the boat and into the sea. 

Nate reaches down and hauls Sid up to hold him more comfortably against his chest. Sid hums and allows himself to be moved. 

“Je ferais n'importe quoi pour toi.” Nate slurs but Sid is already asleep.

Nate kisses his hair and closes his eyes.

X

The yacht is gently rocking in the bay and seagulls cry outside their porthole window. Brilliant Monaco sunshine makes the world look technicolor but it also may be because Nate is so happy he could explode. He's been awake for 20 minutes or so, just coming to grips with his new life. Sid is tangled around him, asleep, warm and still naked. Nate replays last night over and over again and tries not to wake Sid for a round 4.

Nate's own libido last night at first was a bit shocking to Nate. He's never needed it that bad, ever. There is something to be said about being in love, and this being a very long time coming etc. etc. but the fact stands that they are astonishingly compatible together. It was not like that with Vanessa. Sid was like a riptide - Nate was just along for the ride last night. Nate can't help but smirk slightly, more than a little proud. 

He can hear the guys moving around outside, talking loudly and playing music. He traces patterns on Sid's back and waits for him to wake up.

Nate is about to doze off again when Sid blinks awake, squinting in the bright sunlight. His hair is an absolute wreck. 

Nate laughs at him and Sid scowls. "Shut up."

"Good morning."

Sid wipes his eyes and props his head on Nate's chest. "Good morning."

Nate tries to tame Sid's bedhead and Sid laughs. Nate gives up and just looks at him.

"We had sex." 

Sid chuckles, "Yes, we did."

Nate has to look away from him, the proverbial elephant in the room too big to ignore.

Perfect Kathy.

Last night, Nate was too happy, too blissed out to care. After all, it's Sid's life, not Nate's. Sid is a grown man, he can make his own decisions. In the bright light of day though, Nate has been tentatively poking at the Kathy Issue in his brain. It quickly caused him to panic so he shoved it aside until Sid was awake enough to talk about it.

Sid can read his face and he immediately knows. He gently extracts himself from Nate's arms and sits up.

He curls his shoulders in on himself and sighs. Nate wants to comfort him, pull him back in and stay in this cocoon forever but he knows Sid needs to deal with this. 

"Kathy..." he starts and then pauses. Nate waits him out.

"Kathy and I have only slept together maybe 10 times."

Nate furrows his brows and does the math. It's a very small amount, considering how long they have been together. Sid and him already technically had three rounds just last night. But some couples are different, Nate knows. It's not like that for everyone. "That's...I mean, to each their own. Some people just don't...?"

Sid breathes. "I don't."

He heaves himself up off the bed and Nate sits up. He rummages in his duffle for underwear and pulls it on. Nate can tell he's not done. Sid starts to pace, restlessly.

"I don't feel...um. Attraction. Always." he flicks his hands almost like a silent snap, his hands flutter like birds as he speaks. He avoids looking at Nate.

"I love her," he quickly amends and Nate tries not to flinch, "But I don't..." he waves at the bed at where Nate is still naked under the sheets.

"You don't like sex?" Nate asks softly. Horror starts to creep under Nate's skin. "Sid - if I pressured you -"

"No, Nate. No. Last night was...different. I don't know how to explain it." Sid's hands flutter even more and he paces quicker.

That makes sense, Nate tries to curb the brief panic. Sid is possessive, confident and almost aggressive in bed - there was no way last night that he wasn't in to it as much as Nate was.

"No, I mean..." he huffs, frustrated. "Remember when I said I don't know how to do relationships? Because I'm..." he shrugs, finally looking up at Nate, "...different?"

Nate remembers that. Nate remembers everything Sid has ever told him.

He nods.

Sid takes a deep breath, "What Kathy and I have is...different. It's different than the other guy's relationship's. Because I think I'm fucked up." His hands wave listlessly and he looks around the room, a bit panicky. "My brain, uh, doesn't always like. Um, touching. Or sex. Or any of that" he heaves a sigh, "Intimacy, romance stuff."

At the touch and intimacy comment, Nate finally looks confused. Sid always touches him. Even before they had sex, they are very tactile together. Hockey players usually are very touchy-feely and Nate just assumed it was par for the course at first. But then he fell in love and couldn't stop touching Sid. Sid welcomed his touch mostly, even initiated it on many counts. 

Nate carefully says, "Okay, that's okay Sid. But uh, I mean, I touch you all the time. Does that make you uncomfortable?"

Sid shakes his head and stops pacing, looking down at the floor of the cabin. 

So painfully quiet Nate can barely hear him, he whispers, "It's different with you."

Nate tries not to whoop in triumph and be an ass about this so he just nods. 

Sid's hands start their snapping motion again and he makes an abortive move to start pacing again. He's not done.

"I don't know why, and I don't know how but it's different with you. You...there is something about you, I don't know. My brain is...quiet. With you." Nate feels all the air leave his lungs.

"But Nate, I can't - " he starts pulling on his hair and Nate stands up, ready to tug his hand away so he doesn't hurt himself. "Nate, I can't lose Kathy, I -" he gasps and pulls on his hair, hard. Nate gently catches his hand and holds it to his chest. Sid is trying desperately not to panic but his eyes are starting to unfocus.

"Stay with me." Nate murmurs, gathering him into his arms. "You're okay. Stay with me."

Sid gasps and shudders against him. "Nate -"

"I'm here, it's okay."

Sid's hands twitch against Nate's chest and Nate buries his face in his neck, breathing him in and taking exaggerated breaths, trying to get Sid to breathe with him.

After a few minutes, it seems to work and Sid slumps against him.

"You're also so young." Sid garbles against Nate's shoulder. Nate barks a surprised laugh. 

"You weren't complaining last night when you wrung me dry, sweetheart."

Sid chuckles wetly and shrugs. Nate is right and Sid knows it.

Nate's smile fades as he sobers. Nate tries to sort through everything that Sid told him and comes up a bit confused. He doesn't completely understand what Sid is talking about, but he loves him. He will do whatever it takes. He trusts that Sid will set the pace for whatever this looks like going forward, and that he will tell Nate if he's pushing him. He will be whatever Sid needs him to be.

He kisses Sid's temple and speaks right to his ear. "We can do whatever you're comfortable with. We can even just see how it goes for the rest of the trip and when we get home, we can either keep going or stop." It's the last thing Nate wants to do, but he will take whatever he can get. 

Nate draws back to look at his face. Sid's eyes are a bit glassy, still a hairsbreadth from panic so Nate cups his jaw. "Can I kiss you?"

Sid huffs an annoyed sigh at the question and captures Nate's mouth in a kiss. Nate can feel him relax marginally and he soothes his hands down Sid's back.

Sid melts against him with a small sob. "We can't tell anyone."

Nate nods. That one is expected; the League, their teammates, their families and friends, it would be a nightmare. Sid's reputation as one of the best to ever play the game would be overshadowed by their...whatever this is. Their relationship. Sid's legacy would be destroyed. A legacy that Sid repeatedly broke his body and sometimes his mind for. A legacy that spreads globally around the world. With a single secret, it would be ruined. Nate would never be able to live with himself.

"Okay." Nate breathes against his lips.

Sid nods and kisses him again. Nate lets him set the pace. At first Sid just seeks comfort, slow and safe kisses full of gratitude. Nate slips his arms around his bare waist and steps into him, content to just savour the moment and this newfound thing they have stumbled into. Sid traces his back and skims his hands up Nate's sides. It's heartbreakingly tender.

The heavy memory of last night comes unbidden to Nate and the tone starts to shift. Sid must be remembering too because he starts to get a bit more pushy. Nate smirks a bit and ducks his head briefly to kiss Sid's neck, content with soft kisses, but testing a small theory. Something in Sid snaps at that and he grabs Nate's chin, licking into his mouth. Nate smiles. So Sid's neck is very sensitive. Good to know.

Sid backs them up until the back of Nate's knees hit the bed, forcing him to sit on the edge. Sid swings his legs over Nate and settles in his lap. Nate grips his hips and groans, his body quickly getting with the program.

"You sure - Sid? We don't have to do any - "

Sid makes a frustrated sound, "I'm not going to break, Nate. Fucking touch me -"

Nate is happy to oblige.

Heat blazes through Nate's body and he allows himself to feel it. Nate knows he joked about it last night, but Sid is possessive and insatiable when it comes to sex - at least he is with Nate. It's so hot that Nate is the only one who has ever seen Sid like this, no one else gets to see Sid trust enough to let go. He roams his hands over Sid's strong back and digs his fingers into his muscles. Sid gasps, "Nate, please..." He gropes behind him for the Vaseline and helps Sid out of his briefs. 

Sid is muttering so softly to himself that Nate tries to duck closer to hear what he's saying.

"Sid - ah, Sid what?" 

Sid shakes his head but Nate catches a bit of what he says anyway. "Why - why can't I get enough of you?"

And that's the kicker isn't it. Nate has no idea what he did to make someone like Sid even look his way. He's mentally fucked, kinda weird looking, young, and a sub-par hockey player. Nate is going to take full advantage of this situation until Sid realizes that he's not worth his time. He'll take every day he can until then.

They both cry out when Nate takes their dicks together in hand. Nate slaps a hand over Sid's mouth so the guys don't hear and Sid gasps against his palm. Once Nate trusts that Sid can keep quiet he wraps his arm around him to hold him close. Sid tucks his face into the crook of Nate's neck, leaving a blazing trail of wet kisses and stubble burn in his wake. It's inelegant and messy but they reach their peak at almost the exact same time.

After, Nate cradles Sid close to him in his lap, sweeping his hands all over his body. 

I love you. I love you.

Sid laughs lightly against his neck. Nate smiles on reflex.

He breathes out a resigned sigh. 

"Well." Sid says, with an air of finality. "Shit."

Nate laughs.

X

They try to air out their room that absolutely reeks of sex and dress and join the guys above. They are sipping mimosas like 35 year old white ladies at brunch and snacking with sunglasses and hangovers. 

Josi has two impressive hickies on his neck and Schenn looks like he has one on his chest. Nate points it out to them and they jump in on it, razzing them for what sounds like the fifth time today. Nate sits beside Tys and picks some grapes off of his plate. Tys swats at him halfheartedly. Their conversation rolls on around them and Nate eats quietly. 

Tys leans into him, "Have a good night?" he mutters. Something in his tone makes Nate pause. He looks over at him confused, feeling a small lick of panic. Tys glances significantly at Nate's neck.

Shit.

He claps a hand over where Tys is looking and refuses to look at Sid. 

Tys just shakes his head at him, almost angry. Nate can feel his own rage start to bite at his heels and he snarls a whisper, "It's nothing."

Tys shrugs, fully pissed now. "None of my business."

"Clearly you have a lot to say about it though."

Tys shrugs again. "I told you to be careful man. That," he casts Nate's neck a significant look, "is not fucking subtle."

Nate shakes his head but he can't find the words. 

"What if someone else had noticed first, Nate? What would you have said?" Tys asks still on a whisper but irate.

Nate glances around at the guys. They are asking Sid a bunch of questions about the Olympics and are oblivious to their conversation.

"I would have dealt with it."

Tys shakes his head. "Unbelievable, man.'

Nate is about to get up and flip Tys off when he gestures to Sid. "Do you even realize who he is?"

Nate has to laugh, "Yeah Tys, pretty sure I fucking do."

Tys looks at him long and hard. His eyes are guarded and searching. Nate has no idea what to say.

Finally he whispers, "Don't forget it."

Nate scoffs and moves to leave.

"I mean it. Don't fucking forget it Nate."

Nate looks at him hard. Tys looks less angry now and more worried. Nate shakes his head and walks away, back down to the room to change his shirt for a higher collar.

X

They laze around in the sun until the afternoon. Nate starts to get impatient, keen to explore the city more and the guys finally rally to join him. Tys is back to being himself but Nate is careful around Sid, more careful than he has been in a long time.

Nate had ducked into their room when Sid was changing to go out and showed him his neck. Sid had paled, panic setting in and Nate reassured him that no one saw. He doesn't feel like getting into Tys and his bullshit yet. He just got Sid, he can't lose him already. So Nate soothed him and kissed his temple briefly, chuckling a little. "Just be a little more careful you crazy bastard." That had at least gotten a laugh out of Sid. 

They find a bar near the docks and Josi orders them a round of shots. Nate orders a glass of white wine to go with the shots and Sid raises his eyebrows at him with a private smile. Nate blushes and shrugs.

They troop up the steep streets and hike the small hill to the cliffs that overlook the bay. There is a very old section of the city nestled up there and Sid stops to look at everything. He asks Nate to translate some things in French and Nate obliges as best as he can. Whenever Nate slips into the language Sid looks at him with no small amount of heat. Nate is cautious still and never does it around Tys, but his body responds to Sid's like the moon pulls the tide. He is definitely feeling the arousal from the wine and by the way Sid is looking at him, Sid knows it. Nate laughs softly and avoids looking at him. It is almost painful how bad he wants him. Now Nate knows what his skin feels like under his hands, what he sounds like saying Nate's name. He knows the weight of him on his tongue. The wine exacerbates Nate's arousal that is infinitely worse now that Nate knows what Sid looks like when he comes.

They cruise around the cliff top for a while, admiring the view and Sid stops in front of a huge beautiful white church. Nate squints at the name, Cathédrale de Monaco. They all shrug and follow Sid inside. It's beautiful in a lofty, cold way and Nate admires the design of the vaulted roof. He thinks of the priest last night and sends a little prayer of thanks to God or whoever, that he met that kind man. Sid dips his hand into the basin of water and does the cross, like he does before every game. Nate waits for him to do his thing and takes a moment in the space. Religion still doesn't make much sense to Nate, but he understands why Sid finds comfort in it. The other guys roam around very respectfully, probably the most well behaved they have been in years. 

Heading back out the door, Sid takes one last look at the huge space. His expression is unreadable, maybe a bit troubled, but he quickly blinks and moves on. 

X

Josi does a dumb little dance as he takes money out of the ATM. Seguin swats his ass. "Hurry up, Josi. Jesus."

"This money is coming all the way from Switzerland you fucks! Give it a moment."

Schenn looks perplexed for a second and offers, "I don't think that's how that works..."

"Switzerland is closer than Canada is right now."

"Again, guys, I don't think that's how this works..."

"Aha!" Josi whirls around with a huge wad of cash. "Now we are in business boys!"

Sid lowers Josi's fist full of cash and hisses at him, "Jesus, do you want us to get robbed? What the fuck is wrong with you, put that away."

Josi just crows and stuffs it into his wallet. Eakin slides up to the ATM to take his turn.

They are going to the famous Monte Carlo casino because Tys insists that, "they just have to." They had to go back to the yacht (again), change (again, Tys said they all looked like plebs) and have more drinks. After a quick dinner, they are somewhat prepared. Nate has only ever been to one casino before when he was young with his grandma. He is only okay at most card games but he certainly does not have the best luck. But, Tys is a persistent fucker and Nat admits it would be cool to see it.

The casino itself is classy and elegant looking. People pull up in limousines with personal drivers, sparkling in jewels and wrapped in furs. Nate is privately grateful Tys made them change. They get searched at the door with no mishaps and make it inside. Tys immediately shifts into bougie mode and orders a martini from the roaming servers. Nate is still annoyed with him but can't help but laugh.

It's busy and loud but in a much different way that the club was the other night. 

They sidle up to a blackjack table and Josi cracks his neck. "Watch and learn boys" he grins with a wink to Sid. They proceed to watch him lose 45 euros.

Josi is convinced the game is rigged and Nate buys him a drink in consolation. 

There is a very loud group of English speaking people around a roulette table and they drift over, curious. Nate can feel when Sid recognizes them and Nate takes a closer look. 

There are about 7 Team USA players whooping and laughing at each other as they either score big or chirp each other relentlessly if they lose. Josi makes a small sound of joy and slaps his fellow Predator, Seth Jones hard on the ass.

"He really knows how to greet people." Sid mutters quietly to Nate and Nate snorts, remembering how he grabbed Sid in the street in Italy.

They all greet each other mostly cordially, with only a few bitchy mentions of their win. Team USA wasn't stationed in Prague with them and actually they never even played them in the tournament. They were a part of the B roster in Vítkovice, Ostrava and came third overall. 

"What a small world hey boys?" Connor Hellebuyck toasts his gin and tonic to them. Helly is one of team USA's goal tenders and, in Nate's opinion, he's the whole reason why USA went as far as they did. He's talented and nice enough, but Nate doesn't know him too well. Nate has yet to meet a goalie he doesn't like though and he doubts Helly will start that now.

Seth Jones is explaining roulette to Josi while Torey Krug, Jake Gardiner, Matt Hendricks, Charlie Coyle and Dylan Larkin all pass Sid around chirping him on his hair, his tan, his shirt, his shoes and his drink. Sid takes it in stride but Nate grits his teeth. Players either really respect Sid or they try to tear him down to get him on their level. Sid has told Nate before that he loves to be made fun of, it breaks the ice a bit and it never really bothers him, but Nate can't stand it. 

"Hello Nathaniel. Having a nice time in Monte Carlo?" Coyle smirks at him over his rum and coke and Nate tries not to snap. Coyle is a Minnesota Wild and a piece of shit. 

"Coyle." Nate clips.

Coyle smirk grows. He knows he is already under Nate's skin and Nate's anger starts tapping on his brain. 

They all order drinks and settle in to watch the rest of the roulette game. Larkin chats with Nate about playing with Zack Redmond, a Team USA defensemen and a fellow Avalanche. Sid is talking to Helly and Krug, talking about their trip so far.  

Shots are ordered, drank, ordered and then drank. The USA guys were already well on their way to being hammered when they arrived, and they get progressively worse as the night wears on. They get louder and louder, placing outrageous bets on games that Nate knows they will lose. Some tourists start looking at them curiously and spot Sid, taking photos of him. The guys all razz Sid for this and Sid quietly passes off his drink to Nate so he isn't photographed with it.

They play a few games of roulette, move back to blackjack (Josi loses 100 more euros) and set up at the poker table. There are so many of them, but the casino workers seem unfazed. They are all dealt in after the bets are placed and Nate tries to focus on his hand through the haze of alcohol. Coyle sets up shop across from Sid and Nate and Nate can smell him sweating from across the table.

"So, Mackinnon. How many times did you have to suck Crosby's dick so he would let you on the team?"

Nate's anger tapping on his brain turns into a roar. Fucking Coyle. Sid quickly (out of sight) lays a hand on his leg.

Sid. He can do this for Sid.

"Once or twice, Coyle." Nate fires back. "Careful though, I don't like to share." 

Tys across the table nearly spits out his drink.

Eakin slaps Tys on the back and Helly passes him a napkin.

Coyle narrows his eyes.

"You had a pretty piss poor season. Surprised to see your name on the roster is all."

Sid snaps at Coyle, "Fuck off, man."

Nate takes his hand under the table and rubs his knuckles. He shrugs. "Apparently I am just that good at sucking dick."

Tys actually does spit out his drink at that and the whole table erupts in laughter. 

"Atta boy, Dogg!" 

Coyle mutters something about faggots and turns his attention back to his cards.

Nate is still pissed and he can tell Sid is too. He breathes, giving Sid's hand a squeeze. 

X

The only one who makes it decently far in the poker game is Schenn, despite him being hopeless at cards. Eakin at the time made a good point that Schenn is so bad, he's actually good, and by all accounts, it checks out.

They get drunker, especially the USA guys and the bartenders eventually cut them all off. They stumble out into the streets around 1:45 am. Josi has Seth on his back and they are slapping their chests rhythmically pretending to be helicopters (Nate thinks), Hendricks, Krug, Eakin and Schenn are singing a Mariah Carey song with 4 part harmonies, Larkin is puking in a bush and Coyle has his arm around Seguin, telling him how to invest in the stock market. Helly, Gardiner, Sid, Nate and Tys watch all of this unfold with no small amount of alarm. 

"Well." Gardiner sighs. "Tomorrow is going to be interesting."

"What's tomorrow?" Sid asks, shrugging off Larkin who tries to drape himself on Sid's shoulder, breathing vomit breath in his face.

Helly takes pity on Sid and hauls Larkin to him, supporting his weight. "The film festival starts tomorrow, we were going to try to make the first night."

Tys nods, "Right. Cannes."

Sid's eyes widen and he looks at them all, "Cannes starts tomorrow?"

Nate has no idea what Cannes is but he smiles seeing Sid's interest spark.

Helly slings Larkin over his back in a fireman carry, softly cursing, but answers, "Yep. You guys should come."

Krug hits the high note of the Mariah Carey surprisingly well. The others do not.

Tys slaps Gardiner's arm, "How drunk are you?"

Gardiner shrugs, "I wouldn't want my mom to see me but not bad."

Tys grins at them.

"I have a plan."

X

"It's too much." Sid whispers, genuinely distraught.

"I don't think we have an option here, Sid."

"This is fucking crazy. There has to be a rule. Is there no rule?"

Nate throws up his hands, "Like I would know that!"

Sid pinches his nose and takes a few deep breaths.

There are so many North American hockey players scattered all over The Disciple. They are all drunk. They are all coming with them.

Tys's brilliant plan was for the most sober of them to go to their hotel, gather all of Team USA's shit, check out, and throw their stuff aboard the yacht. Sid, Nate, Helly and Gardiner were relegated to the task, while Tys wrangled the drunk idiots down to the docks. They are going to sleep on the boat and head for Cannes tomorrow.

It's a bad plan, but it's too late now.

Larkin is still puking, right off the bow, and Coyle has joined him. Nate had smirked when he started to look a bit green and only gloated a little. 4 people are spooning Tys on his big bed while Josi, Seth, Kruger and Helly have claimed the other room. Eakin and Seguin have been kicked out of their spots and are sharing the top bunk in Sid and Nate's room and everyone else is scattered on couches, carpets, bath mats or even outside under the stars, listening to Larkin and Coyle puke.

Sid and Nate are watching all of this unfold from the back of the boat in the dark. Nate can hear Josi and Seth singing in their room and Tys telling his bedmates about Schenn and the pretty Italian girl.

Nate ducks close to Sid's ear and twines their fingers together. "Well, looks like we're sharing tonight. Hope you don't mind if I get a little handsy."

Sid breathes a laugh. "Settle, Mackinnon. I don't put out easy."

Nate nips at his neck and Sid's breath catches, tilting his head back to allow Nate to worship attention on it. Nate kisses behind his ear and groans. "Sid..."

There is a comical "Whoa!" yell from the front of the boat and a terrific splash. Nate and Sid jump and look at each other. Sid is the first to start laughing and Nate can't help but join him. 

"Fuck. This is so ridiculous."

Nate tugs his hand, "C'mon. We better make sure no one is drowning."

X

Nate curls himself around a slightly damp Sid (who had to jump in and save Larkin) and sighs. The entire boat is finally quiet, everyone sleeping off the booze. Eakin and Seguin are sharing the top bunk, both snoring loudly.

Nate wraps his arms around Sid and Sid starts to giggle.

"Shut up." Nate whisper laughs.

Sid spins around in his arms and peers at Nate in the dark. He's grinning and laughing still, so Nate kisses him quiet, thrilled that he can do this now. Sid deepens the kiss immediately, tangling their tongues and Nate whimpers.

Sid gently pushes him to his back and climbs on top of him.

"Sid, no way - " Sid with his lighting reflexes claps a hand over his mouth. His eyes are blown with lust and dark with intent. Nate doesn't stand a chance. 

He nods, barely, and Sid releases his mouth to kiss him ferociously. Nate pulls off Sid's shirt and tugs his sleep pants down enough to free his erection. Sid does the same and guides Nate's hand to him. Nate closes his hand around Sid, and thumbs the pre-come already leaking from Sid's tip. Sid makes a tiny broken sound and takes a hold of Nate. It's a bit high-school but the thrill of doing this without anyone knowing gets Nate to the edge incredibly quickly. By the way Sid is breathing, he is right there with him.

Nate tugs Sid down to him so he can kiss him. Sid does a twist with his fist on Nate's dick and that's all Nate can stand. He comes with Sid's hand over his mouth again, Sid knowing that he wouldn't be able to keep quiet. Nate pants and kisses Sid's palm, trying to come back to Earth.

Sid smiles down at him.

Nate hooks his arms around Sid's shoulders and flips them. Sid knows immediately what Nate wants and he scoots further up the bed to allow Nate to have more room. Nate swats Sid's hands away from his own dick and sucks Sid down. Sid arches off the bed like he did the first time and Nate smiles. Sid doesn't last too long either and Nate focuses on making it quick and dirty. Sid comes silently, breathing hard and Nate licks him clean.

They breathe for a minute then pull their pants up, tucking themselves away.

Sid arranges them to a non-incriminating but still close position to sleep and Nate kisses his neck.

Sid runs a hand through Nate's hair and Nate falls asleep to the feeling.

X

Cannes France is another picture postcard coastal town. It’s astonishingly busy in the port so coming in is slow, but Nate paces and glances up periodically at Tys at the helm. He can’t wait to get off this hulk of a boat. 

There are only two bathrooms on board (someone had the decency to light one of them up at noon so no one could use it for an hour) so someone is always peeing off the deck, someone else ate Nate’s last pears, the kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it and Coyle has been taking ricochet shots at him all day. 

Nate distracts himself by Googling the world-famous film festival. Apparently it’s a huge deal. Nate is much more of a hockey guy than a film guy but it's interesting. Sid brings him a beer on the deck as they are idling in the bay, waiting for the go-ahead to proceed to dock. 

“Thanks.” Nate responds, still a bit distracted looking at his phone. 

Without looking at Nate’s screen, Sid asks, “Looking up the Cannes?”

Nate breathes a laugh. Of course Sid would know what he’s doing. 

“Yeah. I had no idea what this was, felt a bit underprepared.” 

Sid tips a mouthful of beer into his mouth and hums. “You know we aren’t really going for the festival right? These guys probably couldn’t care less about it.”

Nate shrugged. “You seemed interested, I wanted to know what it was about.”

Sid is quiet and Nate can feel his eyes on his face. 

Nate laughs, “What?”

Sid grins, “You’re a sap.”

Nate blushes. “Shut up.”

Sid glances around but the guys are occupied, most in the kitchen attempting to make rice bowls. He clears his throat and Nate nods. It’s too risky.

Tys must get bored of waiting for the go-ahead so he hops down from the upper deck and waves Sid and Nate closer to the group to make a plan.

The guys want to hit as many bars and clubs as humanly possible in hopes of spotting famous actresses before the festival starts late in the evening. Sid goes a bit pale at the mention of a club and Nate immediately offers alternatives. He is quickly overruled.

”Don’t be a pussy MacKinnon, Jesus.”

Nate snaps, “What the fuck does that have to do with anything Coyle?”

Tys steps between them and presses a hand against Nate’s chest. “Okay let’s all take a breath, get off this boat, go to the club -“

"Tys!”

” - and if the Dogg wants to go home early he can.” Tys steamrolls over Nate and Nate shakes his head.

Fine. 

Nate chances a glance at Sid who, to anyone else, would look fine - indifferent even. His only tell is his hands. He flexes them at his sides, making that silent snapping motion that he does when he is trying to self-sooth. No one else knows Sid like Nate does though and so no one else notices this. 

They finally dock and pour out into the streets. The town is packed with people. Tourists, movie fanatics, people actually involved in the festival and locals all mingle on the streets. Banners that proudly proclaim the festival snap in the breeze and the city buzzes with motion.

Josi and Krug have thrown their arms around Sid and are practically dragging him to the club. They are all laughing and chirping each other and don’t seem to notice that Sid is awfully quiet between them. 

Nate can’t help him. He can’t save him this time, it would be incriminating and obvious. There are too many of them and Coyle is a fucking asshole. He would make their lives a living hell. So Nate tries to tamper his own rage and panic and follows along behind. 

This club is a lot nicer that the last one. It’s packed well past capacity and the patrons are better dressed and older. Nate breathes a sigh of relief and then he's being force-fed a shot by Seguin. Nate chokes and pushes him away but Seguin cackles and dives back towards the bar. He coughs up the vodka in his lungs and wipes his mouth.

He is really starting to hate clubs. 

Sid is surrounded by the guys and they are laughing about something Nate doesn't have a hope of hearing over the music. Good. At least there are over double of them to protect him this time. Still though. Nate watches Sid's drink carefully. 

Tys comes up beside him and slaps him on the back. Nate moves to accommodate him and eyes him cautiously. If Tys wants to start some shit here, Nate is not in the fucking mood. Tys looks at him for a moment and then hands him a drink. It's an olive branch, Nate knows. Tys would rather die than ever say sorry, but this he can do. Nate takes it and clinks their glasses together. Tys grins and bumps his shoulder, forgiven.

The guys all shimmy to the dance floor and Nate downs the rest of his drink.

X

"Jumping time, jumping time, jumping time..."

Nate swings his arms to gain a bit of momentum while Josi, Schenn, Seguin and Eakin chant their stupid little song. Sid is laughing too hard to participate in the chant and is offering Nate tips to clear the substantial gap between the docks and The Disciple. The gangway has been removed for some reason. It's 4:00 am and Nate is hammered. 

The festival was pretty cool. Not entirely Nate's thing but he spotted some celebrities there. They didn't stay to watch a film all the way through, but caught snippets here and there, trailers, behind the scenes footage that kind of thing. The venue was also interesting, set up in this large plaza/outdoor theatre. The USA guys bid their farewells after the festival closed down, on to the rest of their vacations or planning to go home tomorrow. Nate is relieved. They were all good guys (except Coyle) but he missed the simplicity of their original crew.

"Jesus Christ, Mack just jump!"

"He can't jump that far! He's only 6 foot!"

Nate concentrates as best as he can, squats, and leaps off the dock towards the boat. He flies for a millisecond, smacks his face on the rope cordoning off the docks and lands hard in the water on his back.

The water is cold and disgusting and Nate is just drunk enough to not give a shit. He was dry, and now suddenly he's underwater in Cannes, France. Huh.

He paddles to the surface to hear the guys pissing themselves with laughter.

"Holy shit that was - "

"My god, so beautiful!"

Sid is laughing just as hard but he crouches down, offering Nate a hand to pull him up. Something unfathomably warm sparks in Sid's eyes and it makes him forget the chill of the water. He slings an arm out of the water and grabs Sid's arm. Sid pulls him out.

Sid steadies him back on dry land and the guys cannot stop laughing. Sid pats his chest and laughing says, "You okay?"

If Sid keeps looking at Nate like that, Nate will be fine for the rest of his life. He grins, "Yeah, I'm good."

"Guys, what the fuck - Nate? Did you try to jump?" Tys is on the deck of The Disciple in his pajama pants. He went back to the boat earlier than they did while they shut down a local bar.

"The thing was gone! The walkway thing!" Josi protests.

"Yeah I took it off so no one could wander on board you bastards. You should have called me!" Tys pulls the gangway out and maneuvers it in place. They all mutter and shrug about hindsight. They troop aboard and Tys looks Nate up and down. "You are so dumb."

Nate grins, soaked. "Thanks, Tys." 

X

Sid pokes cautiously at the rope burn on Nate's cheek. Nate lets him, content to watch Sid's eyes move over his face.

Sid shakes his head with a smile. "You're an idiot."

Nate just grins at him.

Sid huffs. "Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Looking at me like that." Sid traces his eyebrow with a thumb.

Nate kisses him.

Sid allows it for a second but then moves his head away. "You stink."

Nate crowds against him in the bed and Sid squawks, "No, Nate - fuck, you're so gross -"

Nate pushes him down into the bed and kisses him speechless. 

X

"So." Tys has his open white collared shirt on and Ray Bans. He shrugs, "This is it hey?"

Nate nods. Their adventure aboard The Disciple is over. Sid and Nate are flying to Paris this afternoon, staying a night in the City of Lights and then it's back home to Halifax.

Tys sighs. They are sitting in the helm room overlooking the bay of Cannes. It's a beautiful bright morning and the city is slow to rise after the excitement of last night.

Nate doesn't want to go. He feels like he changed. He knows that he's changed. 

Tys stands up and Nate meets him in a hug.

"Love you man." Tys slaps his back and Nate smiles.

"Love you too, Tys."

They separate and Tys shakes his head at him. "Look after yourself, Nate. And for god's sake, be fucking careful."

Nate nods. "You know I'll look after him."

Tys shakes his head, "No, man. Look after yourself." 

Nate can feel his eyebrows furrow, not sure what he means. Tys sighs again and hugs him one more time. "See you back home."

X

Sid has been to Paris a few times and he thankfully knows exactly where to go. They are recognized a few times but it's pretty manageable, only a few pictures and autographs. For the most part, people ignore them or they have no idea who they are. Sid pulls his baseball cap low over his eyes and navigates the Paris airport like a pro. 

Nate is trying to tell their taxi driver where they are staying and he angrily curses Nate out in French.

"Si vous voulez parler Français, parlez Français" he snaps.

Nate blushes but double checks what he said. "Je parle Français..."

"Non! That Quebecois connerie is not proper French. We will speak in English."

Sid casts Nate a wide-eyed glance and Nate snickers a bit. He has heard that Parisians were kind of assholes. Turns out it's true.

Their hotel is beautiful and right in the heart of the city. Nate can spot the Eiffel Tower a few times outside the windows and he takes lots of pictures on his phone. Sid indulges him but then tugs on his sleeve. "C'mon. Wait till you see our room."

They have an entire suite to themselves with three balconies and two bedrooms. There is plush carpeting throughout and 4 poster beds with heavy drapery. The room is full of white marble and gold accents with a crystal drop chandelier that throws shards of sunlight all over the room. Nate drops his duffle in the doorway and gapes. "Sid..."

Sid laughs at his face and picks up his duffle. "I know, I've stayed here before when I've had to come here. It's pretty nice."

'Nice' is a bit of an understatement but Nate follows Sid into the room and tries to act like he belongs here. Sid drops both of their duffels on one bed and Nate internally sighs in relief. He doesn't want to sleep without Sid. The past few nights aboard The Disciple they shared a bed and Nate quickly got used to hearing his heartbeat right beside him. He isn't sure he could sleep without it now.

"Well," Nate spins and faces him. "What do you want to do? We could grab dinner -"

Sid practically tackles him and kisses him hard enough to hurt. Nate catches him around the waist, adjusts their angle slightly and then is quickly on board, biting kisses against Sid's mouth. Nate drags his hands down Sid's outrageous ass and scoops him up by the back of his thighs. Sid gets the idea and hops up, wrapping his legs around Nate in a crushingly tight grip.

Nate spins them to deposit Sid on the bed and crawls up after him. Sid tears off his own shirt and pants and Nate follows suit. Nate bites one of Sid's nipples as Sid weaves a hand into Nate's hair and pulls. Nate groans. 

Sid holds up a hand in a 'wait a moment' gesture and Nate sits back on his heels. Sid pulls his duffle towards him and rummages around in one of the pockets. Nate watches him, panting and almost painfully hard. His brain jumps unbidden to the thought that Sid is potentially looking for a condom. A rush of heat hits Nate so hard that he almost pounces back onto Sid. If Sid is looking for a condom, does he want to have sex? Are they going to have sex? Anxiety then starts to trickle down Nate's spine and he tries his best to ignore it. Who would be the bottom? What if Nate is bad at it? What if it hurts? 

"Ha, here we go." Sid hold up a small bottle of lube in triumph. Sid must have bought it in the airport while Nate was somewhere else. Nate shakes off the anxiety and applauds him teasingly. Sid rolls his eyes, dragging Nate down to him again. 

After they have caught their breath and their bodies are cooling, Nate carefully explores the idea of actual sex. Sid kisses his chest and starts to doze so Nate traces shapes on his back and lets him sleep. He comes to the conclusion that he wants to, at least try it, with Sid. There is a small nagging anxiety in the back of his mind about it being “the final frontier” of his sexuality but he squashes that quickly. It would be pretty badass to lose your virginity that way to someone like Sid. Nate would wear that like a badge of honour. Sid though…

Nate thumbs the gold chain around Sid’s neck and his cross jingles softly at his touch. Between Sid’s religion, his intimacy issues and his reluctance to trust, Nate could see him never being able to cross that threshold with him. Using mouths, fingers and hands to pleasure another man is one thing - sex is another. It is, without a doubt in Sid’s religion, a sin. Without debate or exception. Nate resigns himself to never experiencing that with him, but the possibilities make him hold him a little tighter.

X

After a quick nap, they step out into the twilight drenched streets of Paris. Sid wears his black suit (that he since washed) that nearly stopped Nate’s heart the first time he saw it. Sid had to practically pry Nate’s hands off of him just so they could make it out the door.

They stroll aimlessly, taking photos and just breathing in the city. No one seems to recognize Sid or if they do, they don’t care and Nate can physically see him start to relax.

They stop at La Seine and watch the boats chug up and down the canal for a few minutes, walking along the water and listening to buskers. Nate is captivated by a young lady guitarist playing a nylon string guitar and Sid leaves some money in her guitar case.

The lamps start to turn on and Sid plucks his sleeve. “C’mon. You should see this.” Nate follows him around a big bend in the canal, through some narrows streets and is about to ask where Sid is taking them when they get to a large open park. Sitting smack dab in the middle of the lawn is the Eiffel Tower. 

As they watch, the tower lights up for the night, illuminating the entire lawn with its light.

"Wow.” Nate breathes.

Sid brushes the back of Nate’s hand with a finger and Nate aches. Around them are couples of every ethnicity, gender, nationality and age, strolling through the park or also watching the lights. Sid and him are not unusual, but as much as Nate wants to kiss him, they can’t. 

Nate tears his eyes away from the tower and looks over at Sid. His warm eyes reflect the lights and he is bathed in lamplight. He’s heartbreakingly handsome. Nate, for the first time in a long time, finds he can’t look at him too long. 

Sid brushes his hand again and they move on.

X

They find a restaurant that can squeeze them in and Nate has the best meal he’s ever had in his life. Sid, with his culinary knowledge, explains how they make each dish and goes on about butter for about half their meal. Nate always loves listening to Sid talk and he learns quite a bit about French cooking. They end up chatting with their young waitress, Nate asking her Sid’s questions in French and getting to know her a bit. She sneaks them a bottle of cold white wine near the end of their meal with the simple statement that she appreciated them being kind to her. Nate is a bit appalled that the minimum of human decency is just being nice to a young waitress but she also shrugs and says, “Vous êtes tous les deux très gentils ensemble.”

Sid tilts his head, oblivious but curious. 

Nate blushes and thanks her and she whisks away. 

“What did she say?” Sid asks as he cracks the wine and pours Nate a glass. 

Nate shrugs, “I couldn’t make it out.”

Sid accepts this and tangles their feet together under the table.

X

The wine hits Nate, again, hard. He has to lean across the table and explain to Sid that if they don’t leave now, Nate is going to tear Sid’s clothes off with his teeth in the men’s bathroom.

Sid laughs but then gets a good look at Nate’s face.

"Oh, shit. Okay.”

They pay quickly.

X

Nate gets his wish as soon as their suite door clicks behind them. 

Nate slams Sid into the wall causing Sid to lose his breath momentarily. Nate takes the opportunity to lavish attention on Sid’s neck and Sid groans, tilting his head and allowing Nate to bite and lick his Adam’s apple.

Nate tries to take off Sid’s shirt but keeps getting stuck on the buttons. With a frustrated growl, Nate tears the offensive clothing right off, scattering buttons all over the floor. Sid laughs breathlessly, “Wine, eh?” Nate nods against his temple. Sid chuckles. Nate unbuckles Sid’s belt and pulls it from its loops as his knees hit the ground.

Instantly Sid isn’t laughing anymore.

Nate runs his hands up Sid’s powerful thighs and looks up at him. Sid is overcome watching Nate kneel before him, his pupils are huge and he can’t seem to catch his breath.

Sid traces his brows and nose and Nate leans forward, sucking his fingers into his mouth. Sid’s breath hitches.

Nate swirls his tongue around the digits and nips lightly at Sid’s skin. 

Sid presses his fingers into his tongue and Nate whimpers.

"Fuck. Nate - you should see yourself.”

Nate starts sucking in earnest and Sid runs a hand through Nate’s hair. Sid starts to undo his pants but never takes his eyes off of Nate’s face. 

Sid removes his fingers when he’s freed himself and feeds Nate his cock. Nate swallows him easily. He is getting better and better at this the more they do it. Sid cries out, smacking his head back against the wall and winds his hands into Nate’s hair. Nate tucks him into the back of his throat and hums. Sid practically yells. 

“Fuck, Nate!”

Nate grins and sets a brutal pace. Sid pulls almost painfully on Nate's hair but it only serves to make Nate lose control more. Watching Sid writhe above him is getting Nate hotter than he cares to admit. Just seeing Sid let go, stripped emotionally raw without inhibitions is magnificent. Nate brings him to this. Nate is the only one who gets to see Sid like this.

With that thought, Nate comes, untouched.

He gasps and pulls off of Sid's dick, taking Sid's hands from his hair.

He blinks stars from his eyes and shakes the rushing sound from his ears. A wave of embarrassment washes over him. He hasn’t come untouched like that in years, not since he was in puberty. 

Sid is still hard though, panting. "Nate, you okay?"

Nate doesn't answer but he gets an idea. He grips Sid's hips, spinning him around to face the wall.

"What are you -?"

Nate massages Sid's muscles of his glorious ass.

"If this is too much, let me know okay?" Nate murmurs.

"Too much? Nate, what - ah, fuck!"

Nate parts his flesh and licks a long stripe over Sid's hole. Sid practically sobs and squirms at the feeling, but kicks his feet out wider, allowing Nate more room to work. Nate grins, bites his ass, and dives in for more. 

He licks and sucks, delving deep, while Sid makes the most beautiful sounds above him. He wants to wring every sound he can out of Sid. He wants to hear them all. He nips over Sid's taint and starts to lick into his hole. Sid leans his forearms on the wall and shudders. Nate spears into him with his tongue and hooks one of Sid's legs over his shoulder. Sid practically rides his face, too lost in the feeling to be self-conscious or unsure. Nate is also a mess, drooling and practically suffocating but he doesn't give a shit.

Nate sneaks a hand around Sid's waist and grips Sid in his fist, pumping him in time with the rhythm of his tongue. Sid starts chanting his name hoarsely and Nate can tell he's close. He fucks into Sid's ass with his tongue and gently slides one finger into him alongside. It slips in easily and Sid is coming, violently.

Nate leans back to watch. Sid supports himself on the wall, gasping for air as his come splashes against the wall and onto the floor. Nate's own dick twitches like a fucked up call and response. 

Nate has a small moment of satisfaction until Sid buckles and collapses onto Nate.

Nate catches him in time to save his head from smacking the floor and Nate laughs, cradling him to his chest. Sid blinks up at him dazedly and Nate can feel his heartbeat thunder through his whole body. Nate rocks him slightly and lets him catch his breath.

"Nate...holy shit."

Sid hooks a hand around the back of Nate's neck and tries to reel him in for a kiss.

"Ah, um no. Sorry, I should. Uh, brush my teeth and wash my face first."

Sid blinks owlishly up at him and then starts to laugh, "I guess you should." Sid traces his smile with a finger and shakes his head. "Where on earth did you learn how to do that?"

Nate blushes. "Um. Vanessa."

Sid raises his eyebrows.

Nate amends, "I like it. I mean, I enjoy doing it."

Sid nods, "Well that is probably the hardest I have ever come before in my life so safe to say you're really good at it."

Nate breathes a laugh.

Sid drags a hand down Nate's chest and it comes to rest on his crotch. Sid inevitably feels the wetness there from Nate's earlier orgasm and he widens his eyes. "Did you...come untouched?"

Nate shifts, self-conscious and sets Sid down gently, standing up. "Um, yeah. Sorry. I know that's..." juvenile? Weird? Nate has no idea where he is going with that.

Sid stands too and stares at him. Nate can't meet his eyes.

"Nate. Look at me."

Nate takes a breath, but as always, does whatever Sid needs him to.

"You got that turned on from just getting me off?"

Nate shrugs and nods.

Sid pounces on him, kissing him roughly, heedless of where Nate's mouth has been.

"Jesus Christ that is so fucking hot."

Nate huffs a laugh and catches Sid's waist as he practically tackles him. Nate grinds his half hard dick into Sid's thigh and Sid gets the idea. He shoves Nate backwards towards their small sitting room and Nate stumbles, blind. Nate trips a bit over the couch arm but Sid is there and wraps himself around Nate, pulling him down to the couch. 

Nate was already well on his way to being fully hard again just by eating Sid out so it doesn't take long. Sid sucks him down and Nate gasps at the ceiling, dizzy. Nate comes with a sigh and Sid swallows it all. 

Nate must fall asleep for a minute because he wakes to Sid slapping his thigh and trying to pull him up.

"C'mon. I'm too old to sleep on a couch."

Nate stumbles after him and shucks out of the rest of his clothes.

They settle into their gigantic bed and Sid coils himself around Nate's back, kissing his neck.

"Last night." Sid says softly and Nate feels his heart lurch.

He turns around so he can see Sid's face. "What did you decide?" Nate asks, already feeling his heart breaking.

Sid looks at him long and hard. "We can't take this home Nate."

Nate looks up at the ceiling and takes a shuddering breath. It's expected. Their lives. The media circus every time Sid leaves his house. Kathy. It would be career suicide to keep this up in Canada.

God damn if it doesn't hurt though.

Nate feels like he's been punched in the solar plexus. His fingers go numb and his eyes sting. 

"Okay" he whispers. It's all he can say.

Sid cups his jaw and turns his head back to look at him.

"You're still my best friend Nate."

A few tears escape and Sid thumbs them away. "I know, Sid."

Sid's eyes dart over Nate's face like he's trying to memorize him. With numb fingers Nate traces the shape of his face, his huge clever eyes and strong brows. 

Sid kisses him.

I love you, I love you. Don't do this.

Sid pulls Nate to him as Nate shakes apart.

X

Their flight in the morning is very early so they pack in the dark and catch a cab to the airport.

Nate is exhausted, not too sure how much sleep they actually got last night. Sid is quiet and pale.

They board without any issues and Sid is only recognized a handful of times. One of them is by the passenger seated right behind them on the plane. Sid is annoyed, trying to find the USB port for his seat and Nate is trying to sleep against the window. Sid curses quietly and a voice clears his throat from behind them. "Uh, Sidney Crosby? Your port is on your arm rest." 

Sid looks over at Nate and Nate shrugs. 

"Hey, uh, thanks." Sid turns around so he can see the guy. He's young, maybe a bit older than them with glasses. He smiles at Sid, "No problem. I'm a huge fan, I'm just trying not to freak out right now."

Sid laughs but Nate can see how tired he is, weary, down to his bones. "Well thanks. Hope we can play well for you this season."

The guy nods, clearly passionate about hockey and shows Sid his lock screen on his phone. Nate squints to see. It's two men in suits standing in the middle of the Penguin's ice in Pittsburgh. 

"My husband and I just got married on your ice. Even if you play bad, we are always going to be fans."

Sid's eyes track over the photo and Nate can see him blink away a flash of pain. 

"Wow, that's cool. I didn't know they did weddings there." Sid croaks and the guy nods, smiling down at the photo.

"Like I said, we are huge fans. He would divorce me if we didn't do it there."

Sid smiles at him and chuckles. "Well congrats and thanks for the help. Hope to see you guys at some games."

The guy smiles and Sid turns back around. Nate watches him close his eyes and take a few deep breaths. Nate wants to comfort him, push the world away and scream into the wind. 

Sid looks over at him and Nate's heart breaks. Sid's expression guts him. He turns back to the window before he can start to cry again. Nate doesn't reach over and neither does Sid.

X

Chapter Text

Nate turns around in his living room with his hands in his pockets, admiring the high roof. The lake sparkles in the afternoon sun and makes sun spots on the walls. Distantly, he can hear a loon call.

Aatif is supposed to be showing him around with the head contractor but they are distracted, talking about gutters outside. Sarah and his parents have joined him for the small tour of his new home and are looking into every cupboard, closet, toilet, sink, shower and electrical outlet. His dad at some points has his measuring tape out and Nate snorts.

The house isn't technically done yet, but it is very close. There isn't a single piece of furniture in it and the walls are freshly drywalled and primed. It still smells like pine and paint.

The team is currently working on Sid's driveway to accommodate a split off to reach Nate's house. That is also almost done, they just have to install security for the gates and wire it to Nate's house.

Nate's mom keeps rubbing his arm with excitement, almost too happy to speak. Nate hugs her and kisses her on the top of her head. "You happy with it honey? Do you like it?" she asks so eagerly and Nate laughs and assures her for the millionth time, yes he's happy with it.

They have been back for 5 days. Nate hasn't seen Sid once.

There was an interview they had to do for the NHL and Team Canada about their time in Prague and Nate did the interview solo from his parent's house. The spliced together Sid's interview with Nate's and blended them into one feature. It was harmless, easy. Coming off a win is fun to talk about. Interviewers always ask Nate about Sid so he was prepared for it and gave the usual spiel. The "mentorship" question in regards to their relationship came up again and Nate finally allowed himself to get a little angry.

"I mean, yeah I learn a lot from him but we are friends. Buddies. He's knowledgeable but I wouldn't really call him my mentor."

The interviewer over the video on the playback blinked, looking a bit startled, but then quickly moved on. 

"Of course. That must be an important friendship to you."

Nate remembers nodding. It wasn't untrue.

Nate is brought back to the present by a knock on his door. Sarah makes a high pitched sound and dives for it. Nate isn't expecting anyone so he cranes his neck to see who it is. Taylor Crosby stands on the threshold with a gift basket and Sarah hugs her.

"I'm so glad you could make it!" Sarah says, taking the basket from her and welcoming her into Nate's house.

"Of course - wow, this is beautiful!" Taylor remarks, turning around in the space. Nate comes up to her with a smile and hugs her too.

"Hey, nice to see you. I didn't know you would stop by."

Taylor hugs him back and Nate tries not to compare how different she looks from her brother. "Sarah invited me. I was kind of over anyways since I'm looking after Sid's place while he's in Virginia with Kath."

Ah.

Nate tries not to feel the gut punch that those words hold. 

"But wow, Nate! This is so nice!" Taylor gestures to the open concept living room/kitchen that overlooks the lake. He laughs. "Yeah, it's coming along. A few more things to do."

Sarah hooks her arm through Taylor's and takes her on the tour. Nate didn't realize it in Prague but it dawns on him now that Taylor and Sarah are quickly becoming close friends. That's...troubling.

Nate's mom coos over the basket that Taylor brought and Nate's dad slaps his arm. "Well done Nate. It's gorgeous."

Nate smiles brittlely and nods.

X

They have a small barbeque that evening and Trina and Troy also stop by to see the house.

It's a bit bizarre but Nate ends up having a good time, drinking a beer with Troy and Taylor and talking about their trip. From the sounds of it, Sid was only home for about half a day before he went to the United States so his family didn't see him for long.

Nate internally shakes his head. Sid is running. Trying to preserve whatever heterosexuality he has left even though he had Nate's tongue up his ass not even a week earlier.

He wonders if Kathy and him fuck. Lucky number 11.  

Nate can't help but feel bitter. Angry. He knows why this could never work but Nate expected Sid to be a little bit more mature about it and not take the coward's way out by running to his girlfriend. 

Nate's prediction of not being able to sleep well without Sid is true. He wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes achingly hard and reaching for a warm body that isn't there. It makes him sick to his stomach when he realizes he's alone and he can never fall back asleep after. The loneliness is intense. From being around debatably too many guys and being glued at the hip to Sid, to having his own space feels wrong. Empty. He tries to fill it with his old friends from Cole Harbour and it's nice and good, but as cliché as it is, it just isn't the same. He will wake (if he slept) in the mornings warm and content, blissfully ignorant, and then he will remember. The loneliness then pierces through him like a physical thing and he settles in for another day of listening to his overanxious brain never shut up.

He takes Sid's posters off of his bedroom wall.

He scrolls through his photos on his phone from the trip and always has to stop when he gets to the Paris ones. Nate knows his mom can tell he's going through something but she gives him space. It's for the best. His mom may have her suspicions about their relationship but Nate finds it impossible to explain - even to himself.

So he focuses on his house. He orders furniture. He maintains his diet, getting back in shape and planning his training for the summer. He exhausts himself every day working out so that he can try to sleep through the night.

X

Nate is doing some dryland drills by himself on his new lawn when he sees Sid. He's crossing his own lawn, coming over to Nate's house and his phone is glued to his ear. Nate swallows his anger and quickly looks him over. He's still tanned and gorgeous from their trip in navy blue track pants and a Halifax Mooseheads shirt that Nate is fairly certain is his. Nate tries to tell himself that he looks bad, but as always, he takes Nate's breath away. He paces around, catching his breath and waits for Sid to get closer.

Nate pulls his headphones out of his ears and wraps the cord around his iPod. Sid looks up at him as he approaches and offers a small smile, still listening to whoever is on the phone.

Nate smiles cautiously back.

"Yeah. It looks good, next time you're up you should see it." Sid is saying and Nate starts to stretch out his hamstrings. Sid will involve him when he's ready.

"Uh, yeah he's here, want to talk to him?" Sid glances up at Nate as if to ask if that's okay and Nate nods.

"Okay, one sec..."

Andy's voice blasts out on the speakerphone in the middle of his sentence. "...that's why you guys should come here. I mean Sid, you have your condo here, we can do the camp and then resume our usual summer program back in Halifax."

Nate clears his throat and jumps in, "Hi Andy, uh, go where?"

Andy simply answers "Santa Monica."

Los Angeles. 

Nate looks up at Sid to see Sid already looking back at him. Sid searches his face looking terrified. 

Nate can't help but laugh ruefully. Fuck. 

Nate shakes his head and tilts his head up to the sky, "For how long Andy?"

"Three weeks. I mean the camp runs for about 2 and a half but it's not every day. They built in rest days so it's about 3 weeks."

Of course.

Sid hasn't said a word, waiting on Nate to decide if this is okay, if they are going to be okay to do this.

Nate looks at him in and checks in with himself. He's angry, frustrated, worried and still so in love it almost hurts.

Waves ring in Nate's ears from a distant memory.

He has to go to LA.

He'll take whatever he can get for as long as he can stand it.

"Sure. Count me in."

X

Nate throws his carry on in the overhead bin and settles in beside Sid in first class. Sid has his hat pulled low over his face and sunglasses on to fly somewhat under the radar. Last Nate checked he is listening to a podcast.

Nate flips his phone to airplane mode and tries to focus on his music. 

Nate was literally on a plane a week ago and already it feels like a lifetime has passed. They didn't talk much over the next day or so after Andy's phone call, only to talk about logistics. Nate had offered to stay in a hotel room for the camp and Sid had snapped.

("Fuck that Nate."

"I don't want to make you...host me, Sid."

"Why, cause we would just fall back into bed and fuck?"

"No! Fuck, no Sid. I didn't want to make you, I don't know - uncomfortable."

"You're still my best friend Nate. I'm not going to make you stay in a fucking hotel."

"If you're sure."

"Jesus Christ Nate. Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop being so weird about this."

"What? What do you want me to do Sid? You want me to forget Europe? Pretend it never happened?"

"No, Nate - "

"Good because I fucking can't Sid! I can't."

"...." 

"I'm trying. Please. Just...let's get through this camp."

"Nate - "

"I'll pick you up at 7:00.")

X

Sid has a condo in Santa Monica right on the beach. It's airy and beautiful and despite how honest-to-god gross downtown LA air can get, it seems to only ever have a breeze from the ocean flow through the space. 

They get in around 4:00 pm Pacific time and the city is just starting to come alive. Sid started to perk up a bit more as they got close to his neighborhood, pointing out his favourite spots to eat, where to get a good green smoothie and his best jogging routes. Nate listens to him attentively but he watches the palm trees flash by his window with a slight frown. He just can’t picture Sid living down here.

Sid flips on the AC as soon as they get through the door and opens the doors to the two balconies to let the air move.

"When was the last time you were here?" Nate asks slinging off his duffle and taking in the space.

Sid shrugged, "February I think. I like to come here before playoffs start. If we ever get a break long enough."

Nate nods and runs his hands over Sid's black marble countertops. "It's nice."

Sid snorts. "You hate it."

Sometimes Nate wishes they didn't know each other so goddamn well.

Nate quirks up a tired smile, "It's not my favourite, but it is nice. It just doesn't seem like you."

Something troubled crosses Sid's expression but it's gone before Nate can ask. "It's just a place to crash land sometimes. LA isn't the best but the beach is unbelievable. Wait until you see."

Nate smiles at his excitement and allows Sid to give him yet another tour. Nate throws his duffle on to the guest bed and tries not to think too hard about it.

Sid makes them chicken risotto for dinner and Nate keeps him company on one of the barstools, almost a perfect mirror to what they did on The Disciple. A tentative truce comes out of dinner, falling back into their old conversations and Nate realizes that more than anything, he missed this. Just talking to Sid, being able to laugh about stupid shit feels good. He likes Sid. He likes being around him.

After Nate does the dishes, Sid insists they go out to see the beach. Nate follows him out into the brilliant sunset dipping into the Pacific ocean. The air is roasting still, like stepping into a blast furnace and the ocean roars against the shore. The beach by Sid's place is smaller, less touristy so there is hardly anyone out there when they arrive. The sand beneath Nate's feet burns and the sun is blinding in its brilliance. Sid quirks a brow at him and Nate laughs. Nate takes off first and he can hear Sid laugh a curse behind him. He sprints down to the surf pulling off his shirt at the last minute and throwing it into the sand. He dives into the ocean and can feel when Sid dives in beside him.

The water isn't cold but somehow it is still refreshing. Nate can feel his tacky sweat sweep off of him and with it, a bit of his anger and hurt. He dives down as deep as he can go and looks up to Sid above him. Sid is silhouetted in the waves, backlit from the setting sun. Nate takes a moment to commit this to memory and kicks back to the surface. Sid laughs at him and splashes his face when he comes up. Nate dives back under and pulls Sid's ankles down with him. Sid is the better athlete, but Nate is definitely the stronger swimmer and is able to hold his breath much longer. Sid kicks half heartedly at him but allows Nate to pull him down. Sid trusts Nate to know how far he can go. Nate releases him about halfway down and curls himself back up to be eye level with Sid. The waves gently rock them under the water. Sid pushes his chest away and Nate catches his grin.

They are going to be okay. Nate is going to make sure of it.

X

Their camp that Andy enrolled them in is largely focused on reaction and speed. It's mostly being held in an indoor gym on the other side of Westchester but they do have several ice times booked at a small rink. The guy giving the camp's name is Aaron Gunn and he's strangely soft spoken but incredibly tough. It's just Sid and him, but Aaron explains that he likes this format better, it makes one on one time more effective. The first few exercises Nate certainly feels the weeks in Europe with heavy food and drinking for almost three weeks straight, but it feels good. It feels good to get back in tune with his body again, even if progress is a bit slower than he would like.

Sid feels it too and by the end of their first day, they are exhausted, literally not able to push anymore, both sprawled out on the turf.

"Nice work guys! See you tomorrow!" Aaron chirps cheerfully. Nate groans and Sid laughs at him. Andy comes over and kicks Nate's foot. 

"What happened to you guys in Europe?" Andy laughs. 

That is a loaded question and Sid snorts. "Too much Andy. Too much."

X

Aaron's whistle is piercingly loud in the empty rink. 

Nate stops his drill and coasts back to centre ice to hear what else he wants them to do. Sid, on the opposite end, does the same.

Sid meets his eyes as they come together at centre ice. Nate doesn't look away.

X

Sid is wheezing on the ground by the cones and he's soaked in sweat. Nate isn't much better but he paces, trying to catch his breath.

"Good work guys. Nate, remember your knees, you've got that balance near dialed, it's just that left knee that is a bit tight." Aaron slaps his back and Nate nods.

"Sid, you really kept pace with Nate today, good work." Aaron says down to Sid.

"Thanks Aaron." Sid responds lifting a weary thumbs up.

Aaron chuckles and waves. "See you guys tomorrow."

Nate steps closer to Sid and offers him a hand. Sid eyes it for a second but then grasps it. Nate pulls him up.

Sid over balances and trips slightly into Nate's space. Nate steadies him with a hand on his hip, accidently slipping his fingers under Sid's shirt and brushing his skin.

Nate rips his hand away like he got burned and steps away from him. 

Nate doesn't look at him but he can feel Sid's eyes on his face.

X

Nate is brushing his teeth and squinting in the bright bathroom light. It's too early to be up but they have to be at the rink for 6:00. 

Sid shuffles in beside him, grimaces at the bright light and exhaustedly rests his head on Nate's shoulder, closing his eyes. Nate tips his head into Sid's hair and closes his eyes too.

They breathe together until Sid swipes a hand down Nate's back and moves away.

Nate continues to brush his teeth. He passes Sid the toothpaste.

X

Sid makes them breakfast and dinner almost every day and tonight he's making soup.

"You're fucking nuts, Sid. It's like 40 degrees outside!"

"It's supposed to be eaten in a warm climate! They say it's better!"

Nate huffs but dutifully cuts up the cilantro for him. Music is playing quietly in the background, the windows and doors are thrown open and the sun is just starting to set, turning the entire condo orange. Sid is shirtless and still has sand stuck to his calves from their swim about an hour ago. Nate has a loose tank top on and his ball cap turned backwards. 

Sid comes over and bumps his shoulder, "Almost done?"

"Yep." Nate passes him the cutting board and rinses off the knife.

"Thank you." Sid dumps the cilantro into the soup. Nate reaches around him for the bread knife and starts to make the garlic bread.

X

"Let's go out for dinner." Sid slaps Nate's calf that is draped over Sid's lap on the couch.

Nate hums, distracted, watching YouTube highlights on his phone.

"Nate."

"Hmm?"

Sid snorts, "What are you even watching?"

Nate flashes him a brief look at the screen, "Highlights."

Sid furrows his brows and looks closer at the screen. "Nate. I've seen this. These are mostly me."

Nate tears his phone away and blushes. "You're fucking good Sid, of course they are going to be mostly you."

Sid starts to giggle. 

Nate can feel a smile creep up his face. "Shut up."

Sid starts to honk.

Nate pokes him in the ribs.

Sid wheezes and tries to whack Nate's hands away, "You're so lame."

"Shut up."

Sid catches Nate's hand when Nate tries to shove at Sid's face and Sid weaves their fingers together. Nate can feel his stomach swoop at the easy affection. Sid doesn't even seem to know he's doing it.

X

Sid dekes him out and Nate slashes at the puck with his stick, overreaching. 

Competitive anger flares through Nate's body and he takes off after Sid.  Nate can see Sid hunker down and get small, shielding the puck with his body. It's one of the best things Sid does defensively and Nate knows that strategy well. Sid's lower body strength is so unparalleled that he is literally impossible to knock over. If he is protecting the puck, and getting even lower, he cannot be moved.

But Nate is fast.

Sid knows he's coming and tries another fake, but Nate is quicker. Nate pivots hard left and he manages to pressure Sid into the corner boards, pinning him before Sid can even attempt a shot. There is a split second of surprise that Nate can read in Sid's body - Sid thought he had way more time. Nate uses his hesitation to his advantage. 

He swipes at the puck and releases Sid, capturing it on the blade of his stick and taking off down the ice to the other zone. He can feel Sid behind him but it's an open net goal and Nate sinks it deep.

He can hear Aaron congratulate him and Sid skates up behind him, tapping his pads with his stick.

"Nice."

Nate nods. "Thanks."

Aaron beckons them over and they meet him by the boards.

"Nice play there guys. So when their defense goes hard into the wing..."

Nate tries to listen to Aaron but he is hyper aware that Sid is staring at him with almost the same heat that he looked at Nate with in Paris. Nate can't help but smirk slightly. Sid's kryptonite is talent. Usually no one matches Sid for it, he is Sidney Crosby after all, but there are certain things that Nate just does better.  

Nate meets his eyes and tilts his chin up, defiant. Vindicated. Sid wanted this. Sid wanted space and for them to not do this anymore. Now look at them.

Sid's breath hitches at the look on Nate's face. Nate looks at him hard, cracks his neck and focuses back on Aaron.

X

"'Chickpea flour'" Nate mutters under his breath, staring at the box of gluten-free, semi-salted crackers. He shrugs, throwing it into the cart as Sid walks behind him.

Sid grabs some protein powder and a whisk. Theirs broke yesterday.

Sid tilts his head to read the packaging of the box that Nate just tossed into the cart. "Chickpea?"

Nate shrugs again. "Going to try it. Maybe it's good."

Sid hums and continues down the aisle. 

A little old lady gawks at the two of them when they pass her by and Sid smiles politely at her. She scurries away.

A gaggle of teenage girls are in the dairy section when they get there (Nate wants ice cream) and they ogle Sid, whispering heatedly with one another. Sid smiles and waves awkwardly and they all blush.

A brave one comes forward, and with a tomato-red face, asks Sid if they can get his picture.

Sid smiles and nods stepping into Nate's space and pressing a hand into the small of Nate's back. Nate tries not to look confused, the girls clearly only wanted a picture of Sid, not with Nate, but he smiles and the camera flashes. The girls thank them a million times and Sid steps away. Nate is pretty sure he's blushing - his ears feel hot.

Sid waves goodbye to them and they disappear down an aisle still whispering to each other. He opens the freezer door and curses quietly. "Nate, they don't have cookie dough." 

X

It's their first rest day. They are tired and a bit sore but Nate wants to explore so Sid is happy to oblige, insisting that they should go to the pier. They get corn dogs and cotton candy and swear on their mother's lives that they won't tell Aaron they ate pure fat, sugar and processed meats, absolutely blowing their diets clean out of the water. Nate feels a little guilty, but it quickly evaporates when he tries the corndog.

Sid watches him try it with a smile. "Good, eh?"

Nate laughs, "Holy shit. How you are not 300 pounds when you live here is a mystery to me Sid."

Sid laughs and shrugs, watching him try another bite. It's stupid and juvenile, but Nate gets a little self-conscious. The shape and size of the corndog isn't lost on him and he flushes, trying to eat it as non-sexily as possible. He glances up at Sid only to see him quickly look away.

They move to the railing and watch the surfers tackle the giant waves. Sid has his sunglasses on, but Nate can tell he is watching the surfers with a small amount of longing.

Nate (blessedly finished his corn dog) nudges him. "C'mon."

Sid follows him down to the beach.

Nate sidles up to the local surf shack, buying them two surf lessons for an hour. The surfers seem a bit stoned but very friendly. They recognize Sid but don't make a big deal about it, just giving him a thumbs up and a blurry grin. Sid laughs and waves.

Surfing is awesome and much harder than Nate thought it would be. Every time Nate gets knocked off his board, Sid's laughter cools Nate's frustration and he ends up having a lot of fun. By the end of their lesson, they are both able to stand up and coast into the shore and the simple accomplishment buoys Nate's mood an embarrassing amount. 

Walking down the beach after with their shoes in hand, Sid bumps Nate's shoulder with a quiet but sincere, "Thank you."

Nate smiles and gently bumps him back.

They reach a more crowded spot on the beach and they elect to try to go around, wanting to stay on the sand. A few people do some double takes and pull down their sunglasses to get a better look at them.

Then the whispers start. 

" - that's Sidney Crosby, I swear to god that's him..."

"Who's that -?"

"Sidney - "

Shit.

Nate grabs Sid's wrist on reflex but Sid is already swiveling his head around; he can hear it too. People start to come towards them, leaving their towels and umbrellas behind. Nate starts to panic. There are a lot of them. 

"Sid -"

Sid quickly squeezes Nate's hand in a blink-and-you-miss-it split second and the first few people descend on them.

Sid plasters on a smile and starts greeting people, posing for selfies and signing autographs. He's unfailingly polite and kind but there are just so many of them. More people start to look over with the commotion and drift over, curious. What started as a few people turns into a group, which quickly turns into a crowd.

Nate gets separated from him, only a handful of people recognizing Nate since they are almost all Americans. People start getting impatient and start shoving things at Sid. One aggressive older lady practically thrusts a hat at Sid's chest and Nate can see him flinch. Another person starts complaining that they were there first. Nate watches Sid's face. So many people touching him, breathing on him - it would be Sid's nightmare.

Nate is helpless. Nate can't protect Sid if this gets out of hand. What if someone has a gun -

A drunk idiot slings his arms around Sid's shoulders, plastering himself to Sid's side and Nate can see Sid stiffen.

Fuck this.

He lunges through the crowd and twists the guy's arm off of Sid.

"Fuck off." Nate snarls in the guy's ear. The guy makes a bitchy noise of complaint but then shrinks when he sees Nate towering over him, absolutely livid.

He raises his hands in mock surrender and Nate grabs Sid's hand, dragging him through the crowd without explanation or apologies. They break through the edge of the crowd and Nate gently pushes Sid ahead of him in case anyone tries to grab him from behind like Josi did in Italy.

Nate places a hand on the small of Sid's back and steers him off the beach towards the street. Sid never says a word and neither does Nate.

By some stroke of luck, Nate is able to hail a taxi right away and they make the short drive back to the condo.

Nate keys them in and punches the elevator buttons angrily. Sid's eyes are starting to unfocus. Nate needs to get him upstairs - fast.

They make it into the condo and Nate locks the door behind them for good measure. He turns and looks at Sid.

Sid is fighting it. Fighting the panic.

Nate steps up into his space and gently touches Sid's hand.

"Hey. It's okay. You're here with me. We're safe." Nate twines their hands together and Sid snaps out of it a bit. He blinks rapidly and starts to look around.

"We're in the condo. Do you know where your meds are?" Nate asks quietly.

Sid nods.

"Okay. Want me to get them?"

Sid shakes his head.

"Okay. I'm going to get you some water, okay?"

Sid shakes his head and croaks, "Stay. Nate." He takes a deep breath. "Just give me a minute. Stay. Please."

Nate nods, "I'm not going anywhere."

Sid closes his eyes and does his breathing techniques to calm himself down. His other hand that isn't holding Nate's starts to flutter, that same snapping motion. It's a good sign. It means Sid is coming back to himself.

Nate stands with him for a good three minutes watching Sid do everything he can to stay present. When he is finally able to fight it off, Sid slumps with a gasp. Nate catches his shoulders and instantly Sid is in his arms, clinging to him.

Nate huffs a relieved laugh, "Hey sweetheart. Good work, that was fucking tough."

Sid still seems to have trouble speaking but Nate doesn't mind. He holds him long and hard. 

Sid breathes heavily in Nate's ear and Nate starts to walk them back to Sid's room. "C'mon. I'll stay with you."

Nate situates them on Sid's bed so that Sid can still hang on to him if he'd like to. Nate convinces him to drink a bit of water but then he is right back with him.

Nate runs his hands through Sid's hair until he falls asleep.

X

Nate looks over at Sid softly snoring beside him. A bloom of affection presses on Nate's chest and he carefully traces Sid's hand beside him on the bedspread.

He swallows.

He quietly gets up and gets his stuff to move back to his own room. 

"Nate?"

Nate closes his eyes heavily.

"Yeah."

He turns to see Sid prop himself up. Sid looks him up and down and Nate can see him war with himself. Nate waits.

Without a word, Sid throws back the duvet on Nate's side of the bed, a clear invitation. Stay.

Nate is weak and in general isn't a very good person. He is coming to terms with it.

He crosses back over to Sid and shucks off his pants and shirt, crawling into bed. Sid waits for him to get situated and then curls up against Nate's side.

Nate throws an arm around Sid's shoulders and tries to calm his racing heart.

Sid drops off to sleep almost instantly but it takes Nate a lot longer.

X

"Nate."

"Hmm."

"Wake up. We gotta go."

Nate buries his head under his pillow. Sid laughs.

The pillow lifts off of Nate's head and Nate can feel Sid thumb Nate's hairline at his temple.

"C'mon, Nate. Don't be a baby."

Nate groans and cracks an eyelid to glare at Sid. Sid chuckles and ducks, kissing his forehead.

"C'mon. I made egg sandwiches."

X

"Admit it." Nate growls.

Sid shakes his head. "I don't Nate."

Sid's lying. Nate is so frustrated he could scream.

They are in the condo. It's late. This argument was coming, they both knew it. Trying to avoid this was never going to work and they are both too stubborn to yield. 

"Don't fucking lie to me." Nate whispers dangerously.

Sid takes a half step back but looks Nate in the eyes. "I don't Nate."

Sid has never made him this angry before. Nate would never hurt Sid but he distantly recognizes that he needs to calm down before he says something he will regret.

But Nate is so angry. So hurt. And Sid is fucking lying.

Nate takes three big steps forward and crowds into Sid's space. "Don't. Lie. To me."

Sid spits back at him, "Oh it's so hard for you to believe that I could just drop you like that eh? You're just a kid, Nate. What did you think would happen?"

Nate shakes his head registering that Sid's face is beginning to panic. He's still lying.

"You arrogant -"

Sid rolls on, stepping back into Nate so they are almost nose to nose. "What, did you think we could get married? Have kids? Hell - date? We can't Nate. It is what it is."

Nate steps away from him nearly blind with rage.

"It was nice while it lasted but we did the right thing."

Nate huffs. "Then you want to pretend Sid? Run away back to Kathy when things get a bit too real for you?"

Sid opens his mouth but Nate yells over him. "You can pretend all you want but I was there, Sid. Remember? Running back to her and lying to the world won't make you any less queer."

Sid punches him. 

It's not horribly hard but it does snap Nate's neck to the side. There is a ringing silence. Nate reaches up and massages his jaw.

Sid is breathing shakily and Nate takes a moment to really look at him. The thing is, Nate knows Sid. Nate knows every side to him. He loves every single one. And one thing Nate knows for certain is that Sid is scared. He's cornered and lashing out because he's scared. 

Sid is fucking terrified.

Nate swallows a bit of blood from his gums and cracks his neck. "Well, you can tell you don't have many penalty minutes for fighting in the regular season. Just your goddamn stubbornness is enough to get you in the box.”

Sid is shaking, staring at him.

Nate sighs. He's so tired. "Admit it.” he says again, softly. 

Sid can’t speak. His hands start to twitch.

"You’re scared.”

Nate takes a small step towards him.

"You want this.”

Nate reaches out and hooks a finger around Sid’s knuckles, the same ones that just punched him. Sid gasps and starts to blink hard, backing up - terrified.

“Nate…don’t.”

Nate sets his jaw, braced for another punch, and cups Sid’s jaw.

Sid’s eyes snap into focus, staring at Nate’s face. Nate isn’t sure he’s breathing.

"It’s okay." Nate whispers.

Nate sweeps a thumb under his eyes, over his cheekbones.

“Sid. It’s okay.”

Sid takes a few shuddering breaths, desperately searching Nate's face. Nate waits, his heart in his throat. A small gasp and something in Sid’s eyes shatters. 

"Nate..." Sid breathes and dives into Nate's chest, wrapping his arms around him, shaking violently. Nate buries his aching face into the crook of Sid's neck and instantly the fight is out of them both. Nate is so relieved he nearly buckles.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I fucking hit you..." Sid starts to cry and Nate's heart breaks.

"I'm okay, I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I'm sorry."

Sid starts crying too hard to stand so Nate tugs him down to sit with him on the floor. Sid collapses in a heap in Nate's arms and just cries, big wracking sobs that shake his whole frame. Nate wonders distantly when the last time Sid actually cried was.

"I'm sorry, fuck. Nate, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay Sid. I'm okay." Nate cups Sid's face so he can at least look at him. "Honestly sweetheart your punches are kind of soft. You should maybe work on that." Sid laughs a watery laugh which was Nate's goal.

Nate drags some tears away from under Sid's eyes with his thumbs and kisses Sid's forehead. "We're okay." 

Sid grabs on to Nate's hands that are holding his face and tries to breathe. Nate isn't sure who moves first but Sid's warm salty mouth captures Nate's in an inevitable kiss. Nate feels his whole body come back alive like a plant in the spring. He allows the comfort to wash over him, the contentment, but then he pulls away.

Sid blinks at him confused for a split second and then Nate can see his defenses go back up. Sid tries to move away from Nate, humiliated, and Nate holds him tighter.

"No, Sid - fuck. I want to kiss you so bad but we have to talk about this."

Sid stops and takes a breath. He nods and a few more tears escape.

Nate kisses his temple and soothes his hands down Sid's back. "I can't keep losing you." Nate admits softly. He laughs bitterly, "I don't think I could survive it. These past few weeks have been...hard."

Sid closes his eyes heavily and more tears streak down his cheeks. 

Nate continues, "I'm not asking you to marry me or fuck, even leave Kathy if that is what you need to do, but I can't lose you again."

Sid shakes his head, "But Nate, doesn't that bother you? Having to hide, knowing that there is another person out there that gets me some of the time?"

Nate shrugs. "Sometimes yeah. But I'd take you half the time if it meant I get any time with you at all."

Sid makes a wounded sound. "Nate that's so fucked up. That isn't fair to you - "

"Don't Sid. Don't tell me about what I deserve. That's not your job."

Sid searches his face for a long moment and whispers, "You're going to find someone else."

Nate's anger starts to flare up again, but Sid continues, "You're going to be able to kiss her and touch her in public and that is something I will never be able to give to you."

"Don't fucking do that Sid."

"What?"

"Make me imagine a life without you in it."

Sid’s breath hitches and he stares at Nate. Nate huffs an incredulous laugh at the look on his face.

"You’re an idiot.” Nate chuckles bitterly.

"What if you do meet someone Nate?” Sid asks, persistent. A stubborn motherfucker until the end.

"Then I’ll deal with it!” Nate snaps a bit too harshly. He runs a hand over his sore face and takes a deep breath. “Sid - Jesus Christ, you don’t get it.”

Nate shifts him in his arms and makes sure Sid is looking at him. “There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. If we have to keep this a secret than so be it. If we have to lie and pretend then fine." Sid starts to cry silently again but he never looks away from Nate's face. He continues, he needs to get this out. “Sure, maybe this won’t work. I mean there are a million reasons why it can’t - but Sid there is nothing in this world that I could ever put above you.” Nate tucks a hand into Sid’s dark waves. “Honestly, I don’t think that is ever going to change.” Sid tilts his head into Nate's hand and closes his eyes.

Nate plows on, he needs Sid to understand, “So sure, maybe we’re doomed or whatever but I will take every day I have with you until then. I don’t give a shit what it costs.”

Sid makes a weak, broken sound and bumps their foreheads together. 

"I just - I don't understand..." Sid whispers.

Nate shrugs, helpless. He dives into the sea. “I love you.”

It's as simple as that.

Sid stops breathing.

Nate laughs with relief. Finally, finally, he can say it. “Sid, I’ve loved you for years.”

Sid draws back to stare at him. Nate can see every emotion flash in his expressive eyes; heartbreak, wonder, sadness, hope. Nate lets him take that journey and waits him out. Finally Sid blinks, reaching the end and a conclusion on where he wants to go from here.

Impossibly, Sid starts to smile.

Nate laughs shakily and allows himself to feel the joy.

Sid lunges forward and kisses him. Nate surrenders into him and allows Sid to take control the way Nate knows he likes. Sid captures Nate's face in his hands and presses kisses all over his face. Nate laughs in pure happiness and lets Sid smother him. 

Sid starts babbling in between kisses, “Nate, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. I missed you, fuck - I missed you -”

"It’s okay, you’re okay. I love you, it’s okay.”

He lands back on Nate's mouth and his tongue traces Nate’s lips. Nate opens for him easily. 

Sid straddles Nate’s lap and Nate is on board. He just needs to check.

"Sid, you with me on this? Cause I meant it when I said I can’t lose you again. The back and forth - I’d never survive it.”

Sid grips Nate’s chin, meeting his eyes with fierce determination - as powerful and as strong as the tide. He kisses him hard and breathes against Nate's lips, “Yes.”

Nates heart swoops and he smiles into the next kiss.

"Day by day. Season by season. We'll take it one day at a time.” Nate gasps against Sid’s throat.

Sid practically growls, nodding, and tears open Nate’s shorts. 

It has been two weeks but they are good at this. It's like muscle memory. Nate scoops Sid off of the floor and they trip towards Sid’s bedroom. 

The balcony off of Sid’s room overlooks the ocean and the doors are thrown wide. The moon reflects on the tall waves and the sound drowns out the sound of people on the streets outside and the traffic. 

Nate lays Sid out on his white sheets and pulls off his clothes, kissing every inch of skin that gets revealed. Sid allows him to worship his skin and only squirms when Nate bites at one of Sid's nipples. Sid starts to tug on the hem of Nate's shirt and he indulges him, pulling it off over his head. Sid pulls Nate's shorts and briefs off in one fatal swoop. Nate climbs up onto the bed and lowers himself over Sid. They both gasp when their cocks align and grind together. They take a moment just to look at each other, touching each other quietly and listening to the sound of the waves. 

Nate smiles and Sid returns it easily. They meet in the middle. 

X

A car horn outside startles Nate awake and he groans, shielding his eyes from the bright California sunshine.

Sid snuffles and tucks his head into Nate's shoulder, trying to go back to sleep. Nate chuckles and rubs Sid's arm where it's draped over Nate's stomach. 

Nate stares up at the ceiling fan and breathes. He wants to live in this moment forever. Last night was brutal but necessary to get here, to waking up like this. Nate doesn't regret a thing.

Nate kisses the top of Sid's head. "Wake up." he murmurs into Sid's hair.

Sid shakes his head. Nate snorts.

Sid's alarm goes off and they both jump.

Sid scrambles up and away from Nate and pokes at his phone, trying to turn it off. Nate laughs and slaps Sid's bare ass as Sid curses under his breath, trying and failing to turn the obnoxious alarm off. 

Finally Sid manages to shut it off and he flops back on the bed, groaning. Nate maneuvers himself over enough to bite at his chest and suck a faint mark on the skin over his ribs. Sid gasps, threading his hands into Nate's hair.

"Nate - we don't have time - "

Nate pulls the duvet off and rolls on to Sid, licking his hip bones and pinning Sid's wrists to the bed. Sid protests weakly but his dick fills anyway, clearly pleased with the way Nate wants to wake up, even if Sid isn't.

"I'll be quick."

Sid shakes his head with a laugh but it quickly turns into a moan when Nate takes him in his mouth. Nate knows they have maybe 5 minutes tops, so he pulls out all the stops, using tricks and things he knows will make Sid fall apart fast. Nate grinds his own erection into the bed but ends up kneeling on his hands and knees, wrapping a hand around himself to come at the same time as Sid. Sid notices this and slaps his hand away.

Nate pulls off and whines, "Sid..."

"Come untouched."

Heat slams into Nate at the order but he gasps against Sid's thigh, "We don't have time - "

"Yes we do. I know you can do it."

Nate shakes his head but does as Sid asks. He swallows him back down and focuses on Sid. The smell of him, his weight. He humps the air futilely and it strangely starts to work. Nate groans and Sid praises him softly. 

Nate gets Sid as deep as he can and holds his breath. The heat, the lust and the lack of oxygen causes tears to spring to Nate's eyes. Sid is gasping, close, and Nate works his throat, massaging Sid's cock. Sid starts to curse and Nate doubles down, still without taking a breath. The air deprivation only seems to bring Nate closer to the brink.

"Nate, breathe - ah, breathe Nate -" Sid gasps frantically pawing at Nate's face.

He hums shaking his head, and swallows hard around Sid. Sid yells, arching off the bed and Nate can feel Sid's come splash down his throat.

The taste of him and the sounds Sid makes white out Nate's vision and he comes too, releasing Sid with a gasp as air screams back into his lungs. He makes a mess on the duvet but has no control of his limbs, buckling and falling into it anyway. Black spots dance across his vision and his lungs burn. He feels like he just ran a marathon.

Sid hooks his arms under Nate's armpits and drags him up to look at him.

"Holy shit - Nate? Jesus, you could have died!"

Nate breathes a laugh and shakes his head. "I'm okay." 

It comes out as a hoarse croak, like Nate has been smoking 15 packs of cigarettes a day since he was 9. They look at each other in alarm for a beat of silence.

Immediately they both burst out laughing and Nate buries his face into Sid's armpit.

"Fuck." he wheezes, still sounding like a 60 year old hooker from Brooklyn.

"Oh my god Nate. That's going to be hard to explain."

Nate laughs and tries to clear his throat. It doesn't work.

Sid laughs harder. Nate hits him with a pillow.

X

Sid skates up to meet Nate at centre ice.

Aaron is talking about knowing your opponent that you are facing off against and Nate internally laughs. Sid and Nate certainly know each other.

"But what you really want to do is focus on yourself. Who's behind you, what zone are you in." Aaron explains. He braces himself on the centre line and gestures for them to set up. 

A spike of arousal ignites up Nate's spine when he looks up to see Sid watching him. He ghosts Sid a smile and braces his stick on his knees, trying to calm his libido. Aaron continues, "Everyone does a faceoff slightly differently and there is no secret to it, really. You just have to do it enough to get good at it. Remember your root, anchor yourself to the ice."

Sid's percentage on faceoff wins is frankly unheard of. He's a freak after all. Nate knows he doesn't stand a chance.

Aaron blows his whistle and Nate settles in, Sid mirroring him.

Aaron drops the puck and Sid sweeps it away. Nate shakes his head but readjusts, ready to go again.

Aaron's whistle blows. Nate gets a little touch of the puck but Sid battles him and it gets swept behind him.

Nate's anger starts to tap on his brain. He's not mad at Sid, Nate knows Sid is better than him. He's mad at himself. 

He takes a breath. He focuses.

Again. And again.

Aaron starts to point out where Nate is choking up on the stick and offering tips.

Sid waits for Aaron to finish and they go again.

Sid pushes it away.

Sid glances up at his face and opens his mouth - likely about to offer more advice.

"Don't." Nate growls.

Sid flicks his eyes over Nate's face and nods, once.

Again.

Sid swipes it.

Nate snaps.

He slams his stick into the ice, breaking the blade.

He pushes away from Aaron and Sid to breathe, throwing his broken stick across the ice towards the boards.

Aaron says something to Sid that Nate can't hear past the rushing in his ears. His feet seem to be carrying him on a lap of the ice and he goes with it on autopilot.

He breathes.

At the end of his lap Sid is waiting for him, still at centre ice. Aaron must have left to give Nate a minute.

Humiliation starts to creep up his spine looking at Sid patiently waiting for him. Sid, as always, isn't afraid of Nate's rage but Nate is embarrassed regardless. He can't meet Sid's gaze.

Sid falls into step with Nate and continues with him for another lap. Nate's grateful. He doesn't think he could stand still right now.

Nate swallows heavily and shakes his head. "Sorry." he breathes.

Sid looks over at him and shrugs. "It's okay."

They skate for a moment in silence.

Nate chuckles humourlessly. "You must hate having to train with me. I fucking suck and I'm a snap show."

Sid shrugs again, "You're a decent lay. I'll keep you around." He looks over at Nate with a grin, teasing him.

Nate can feel his anger leave in a whoosh and he snorts. "You're an asshole."

Sid bumps him and smiles. They skate around the end zone perfectly paced with each other.

Sid takes a breath and haltingly starts, "Honestly Nate, your drive - your competitiveness, it's kind of awesome."

Nate looks at him incredulously, "Sid, I'm a freak -"

"No, Nate. You're not. You want to win. You want to play your best." Sid shrugs, "You're just like me, we just handle it differently." 

Nate thinks on that for a minute but does eventually admit that it's true. Competitive assholes, one and the same. Nate with his fire and Sid with his ice.

Sid continues, "I mean, you could definitely handle it better, but it would be like the pot calling the kettle black. Playing a game for a living is a weird thing. You can't get down on yourself as a human because you're not playing well. You'll drive yourself crazy."

Nate shakes his head, "Easier said than done though Sid."

Sid nods. "Yes. It is. And I still struggle with it too. But fix what you can and ignore the things you can't."

Nate furrows his brows and looks at him, confused.

Sid explains, "Keep pushing and trying to get better, little things every day. You already do that, I see you improve every time we practice. But also recognize that you're human, Nate. You're not a machine."

Nate remembers last season with a grimace. The shaking, his anger. The inability to function properly for almost 6 months. Sid is looking at him and Nate knows he's remembering it too.

Nate doesn't ever want to be like that again. 

Nate takes a deep breath and sighs it out. Sid skates along beside him looking down at the ice moving under their feet.

"You're a good captain, Sid."

Sid looks up at him, startled. 

Nate bumps him and Sid flushes, honest-to-god blushes, and shrugs the compliment off. "I've been at it for long enough, I would hope I'd be decent at it."

Nate laughs. Sid swings by the bench and grabs Nate a new stick.  "C'mon. I'll show you what I do for faceoffs."

Nate follows behind him, stomach lurching. He doesn't want to snap again. He doesn't want to fail again.

Sid sees his face and skates closer to him, talking quietly. "Your faceoff is your first line of defense. Your guys rely on you to win it for them. It could literally make or break a game - especially in overtime." Nate nods. He knows. He just wants to win them but he can't.

Nate pushes all of that down. No way around this. Like Aaron said, there is only one way to get better - practice. 

Nate takes the new stick and lines up.

Sid pauses, thinking something through. Nate looks up at him. "What?"

Sid gestures haltingly and finally spits it out, "Don't - use this against me. In games."

It's surprising enough that Nate has to laugh.

"No promises, sweetheart. Don't kiss me at centre ice and we'll be even."

Sid grumbles something about being "fucking professionals" and Nate grins.

Sid drops the puck.

X

"You're getting a burn."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are Nate."

"Sid, I just spent 3 weeks on a yacht on the Italian Riviera. I've got a base coat." 

"A base coat? What coat? Alabaster?"

"I'm fine."

"...."

"Are you just making a big deal about this because you want to rub sunscreen on me?"

"Oh my god - "

"Cause all you had to do was ask."

"You're ridiculous."

"C'mon. Get me all slick, all greasy?"

"Nate -"

"Lubed up? So I can just slide against you in bed?"

"....You're gross."

"You're ah, you're looking a little...flushed there Sid. Are you getting a burn?"

"You're the worst."

"If I'm slick enough, you can just lay there and I can - mphhh!"

"Shut up, shut up, oh my god."

"...."

"...Where are you going?"

"Pack your shit. We're going inside." 

"...We're going to test it out, aren't we?"

"..........."

"Sid you sweet talker - "

"Nate, I swear to god..."

X

It's another rest day. 

It's an insanely hot day, over 44 degrees, and Sid and Nate had to peel themselves off of each other when they woke up in the morning. As much as Nate wants to be as close to Sid whenever he can, he does have limits.

They have nothing on the docket today except to survive the heat and to have dinner later downtown with Aaron.

They decide to go to the grocery store to restock their food and Sid requests that they stop at the local liquor store next door. Nate strolled along the aisles enjoying the AC, grabbing beer and not much else. He reunites with Sid in the wine section.

Nate looked at him warningly. Sid just laughed like the ass he is. "Let's just try it. We have nowhere to be tonight except dinner with Aaron."

Nate shook his head but ultimately allowed Sid to buy a few bottles. Nate, still, isn't technically allowed to buy alcohol in the States but thankfully the cashier doesn’t check their IDs, lazily popping their gum and wishing them a good day. 

They get back to the condo and Nate's phone lights up with a text. Sid is putting away the groceries and Nate is tasked with collecting the empty bags and storing them so he doesn't look right away. A few minutes pass and Nate's phone starts to ring with a video call.

Nate furrows his brows. The only people he's talked to these past few days are his parents, Andy (who isn't always with them for training with Aaron) and the Av's huge group text chain. 

Sid passes him his ringing phone and Nate sees the screen. He snorts. Of course.

Tys's face immediately leaps on the screen and he crows a laugh when he sees Nate's face.

"You sunburnt dumb fuck!"

Sid bursts out a laugh behind him and calls over Nate's shoulder, "I tried Tys!"

"Hey Sid!"

Nate sputters, "It's hot here man!"

"Hotter than Italy Dogg? I don't know..."

Nate insists, "It's different."

"Sure. Sure. Hey when were you assholes going to tell me you're in Cali?"

Nate opens his mouth, at a bit of a loss on how to explain and Sid jumps in "We are doing a training camp down here, Andy arranged it."

"I know, I'm here too at my place. I had to hear through the goddamn world wide web that you are both here."

Nate looks up at Sid in question but Sid shakes his head, also lost.

"Uh, what do you mean Tys?"

Tys pulls his sunglasses down over his eyes as he turns a corner in the bright sunshine. "You guys went to the beach the other day right? Got mobbed by a bunch of people?"

Sid nods and Nate swallows, remembering that awful experience.

"Yeah well Sid was trending on Twitter and Instagram after that. People were sharing it and retweeting it for a few days."

Oh. Nate hasn't been checking his phone very much and Sid doesn't have social media because he's old. Nate had no idea it was trending.

"Anyways, all that to say I am outside your guy's condo and I want in."

Nate zooms in on his screen and analyses the background past Tys's face. It's true, Nate can see the ocean behind him and the familiar palm trees that line their street.

Sid laughs and squeezes Nate's hip, out of sight, checking in. "Alright man, I'm coming down hang on."

Tys shoots them a thumbs up and hangs up.

Sid cups his jaw and kisses him softly. "This okay? If he hangs out?"

Nate laughs, "Like he'd give us an option, Sid."

Sid hums and kisses him again, a little dirtier. Nate drops his phone on the counter behind him blindly and wraps his arms around Sid, kissing him back hungrily and losing himself for just a moment.

Sid gasps as Nate starts to bend him backwards with the force of his kiss, "I just want a moment...just a second -"

"Before he gets here." Nate finishes for him, the unspoken part loud in the room. Before they have to pretend. 

Sid nods and Nate kisses him gentler. Sid draws back and meets Nate's eyes.

Nate nods and Sid nods back.

X

Tys comes in like a sledgehammer with a bottle of whiskey and a string of complaints.

"Thank Christ you guys got me, I swear my sandals were going to melt into the pavement outside. It's so hot out there I think my balls have permanently glued themselves to my leg."

Nate wrinkles his nose as Tys tries to adjust himself. He pulls his hands out of his pants after doing a little hop-dance and looks around with a whistle. "Wow, this is nice Sid."

Sid hands him an beer, swapping out the whiskey furtively, like replacing a Cheeto with a carrot stick for a toddler. "Thanks man. It's nice to spend so long here. Usually I'm only here for a few days at a time."

Tys nods and pokes Nate's sunburnt forehead. "Ow!" Nate complains swatting him away.

"You look so dumb, Dogg."

"Good to see you too Tys." Nate snorts.

X

They go to the beach across the street with booze smuggled in water bottles. Sid scrounges up a soccer ball that he has hidden in one of his closets and they make an afternoon of it.

They dive periodically in and out of the ocean but at a certain point, it almost doesn't help. The air is so hot that even just breathing is hard, so the water doesn't fare much better. By around 4:00 it's tepid like bathwater. They end up bobbing in the waves with their drinks and catching up. When it's time for dinner, they race back into the condo to grab the first shower. Nate wins and Tys and Sid have to sit in the weird limbo of AC when their bodies are wet but extremely hot.

Tys joins them for dinner with Aaron and it ends up being a great night. The restaurant/bar is a dimly lit, new-agey type of LA nonsense but the food is decent. Aaron is a good guy, very knowledgeable and patient and he takes a liking to Tys, much to the surprise of no one. Everyone Tys meets takes a liking to him. He's a charming bastard.

Nate gets drunker than he should when Aaron leaves and after a few hours at the bar, Sid touches his arm and murmurs in his ear they should go home. They file back to the condo with the unspoken agreement that Tys will be staying with them tonight.

There is a brief moment of awkwardness when Tys goes into the guest room to find it spotless and vacant. Tys, of course, likely suspected this but he fakes ignorance for Sid's sake. Sid - clever, clever, Sid - notices this though regardless. Nate can see a flash of suspicion in his eyes but he blinks and it's gone.

Tys pulls the whiskey out of the freezer and pops it open.

"To us, boys! From one coast of Canada to the other!"

Sid and Nate cheers with him and down their shots.

Tys pours them another and things start to get blurry after that. 

Nate remembers it in snippets. 

At one point he's doing the Titanic pose off the balcony with Tys.

Another, he's trying to make frozen potstickers and burns half of them.

Sid's hand on his leg under the table.

Tys asking Sid if he is ever going to marry Kathy. Sid's panicked eyes when he meets Nate's gaze.

Nate trying to find the fire extinguisher because what if they make more potstickers and Nate burns them again?

Tys showing Nate a pretty blonde girl's Instagram to him. Nate forgets her name immediately.

Sid laughing at him and kissing him in the bathroom, tasting like whiskey. 

Nate is fairly certain Brad Marchand phones them at one point and Nate has no idea what he says to him. He can just remember Marchy laughing. 

Sid's smile. His stupid laugh.

Him and Sid are lying on the guest bed with Tys and sobering up when Tys slaps his ass. Nate grunts and tries to kick him.

"I'm happy for you guys man." Tys slurs.

There is a very loud beat of silence as Nate processes what he just said.

Immediately Nate knows where this is going. Icy cold anxiety frosts over his drunken brain. He sits up. "Tys -"

"You make each other so happy."

Sid sits up too and looks down at Tys. Nate can see him start to panic also. 

"Tys, what -?"

"Sid, I know you've got your American girl like Tom Petty does. But s'none of my business. I love you both."

Tys sighs dreamily up at the ceiling and starts to sing 'American Girl' under his breath.

"Tys..." Sid starts and Nate waits for him to tackle this. Guilt starts to drip under Nate's skin and he can't look away from Sid's face. "What do you mean?"

Tys picks up on Sid's anxiety and mounting terror and he slumps into Sid, patting his chest and touching his face. "S'okay Sid. I won't tell a living fucking soul I swear on my dead grandma's grave."

Sid ducks around Tys's wandering hands, annoyed, and Nate feels like he can't breathe.

"Tys - what do you mean?" Sid repeats a bit louder, grabbing Tys's hands and making sure Tys makes eye contact with him.

Tys shrugs and waves drunkenly at Nate. "He loves you. He's loved you since I met him I think. And now you love him too. It's a goddamn miracle if you ask me." Tys leans in to whisper loudly to Sid, "He's kinda a weirdo, I don't really get it but all the power to you."

Sid meets Nate's eyes. "You knew."

"Sid -" 

Sid gets up off the bed and storms out of the room.

Nate closes his eyes and tries not to succumb to the anger, the panic. He's a bit drunk still so everything just feels like a bad dream.

Tys slaps his leg. "Go get your man. I think I pissed him off."

X

Sid isn't in the condo when Nate tries to look for him, but there is a small figure on the beach in the dark, looking out at the ocean.

Nate doesn't even bother with shoes and crosses the street barefoot to reach the sand. Sid can hear him coming and starts to shake his head.

"How long has he known?" Sid asks quietly.

Nate sighs. "Sid -"

"How. Long." Sid bites out.

Nate comes up behind him as close as he dares. "I think he may have always suspected but he figured it out in 2014."

Sid takes a deep breath.

"Prague? Italy?"

Nate nods even though Sid can't see him. "He knew that I was in love with you before then but he knew something was going on between us after the club night."

"The hickie."

Clever, clever Sidney Crosby. 

Nate nods again. "Yeah."

Sid turns around and looks hard at Nate. "You lied to me."

Nate shrugs, "I had just gotten you Sid. I couldn't lose you already. Just because of Tys."

Sid shakes his head angrily, "You didn't get me, Nate."

Nate gestures wildly, "What would you have liked me to do there Sid? I was damned if I said anything, and damned if I didn't. He figured it out on his own."

Sid's eyes track wildly around the beach. His hands start to flex and flutter. "We should go up there, deny it. Make up a story -"

Nate snorts in disbelief. "I'm not doing that Sid."

Sid's eyes snap to Nate. "Why? Nate, he could ruin us. Our careers, our families - " Sid gestures up to the condo windows, "Hell, we know he's not reliable, get some whiskey in him and he'll say fucking anything apparently!"

"He won't. I know tonight looks bad, but trust me Sid. He won't say anything."

Sid shakes his head staring at Nate. "There is no way you can know that. You promised me that you'd lie if we had to."

Nate swallows. It's true. But it's Tys.

Nate needs to change tactics. He steps forward closer to him. "I know you're scared. This is not the way I wanted to tell you, believe me. And I am sorry I lied. But Sid, you know I would never put you in harm's way."

Sid looks down at the sand.

Nate can feel Sid start to yield. He knows Nate's right. "If I had thought that Tys was a legitimate threat to you or to your career I would have shut that down pretty fucking quick."

Sid sighs, still staring down at the sand, one of his hands snapping silently at his side. Nate tentatively reaches out and grabs Sid's elbows, rubbing his thumbs across his warm skin.

"Besides you, he is my best friend. He's a pain in the ass, don't get me wrong, but Sid I really do trust him."

Nate takes a deep breath bracing himself. He needs to ask this. "Would you give all of this up now, just to save face because he knows?"

Sid looks up at him sharply. "Never."

Relief makes Nate's knees a bit weak. He almost sits down. "Okay, good. I don't want to do that either."

Sid quirks a small smile at him but it quickly disappears. "He knows." Sid whispers.

Nate nods. "Yeah. But he is the only one in the whole world who does."

Sid huffs a bitter laugh. "Tyson Barrie. My life hangs in the balance with Tyson fucking Barrie."

Nate snorts and smiles weakly, rubbing Sid's arms. "There are worse people to know about us." Sid shrugs and nods. It's true.

Sid's next breath comes out shaky and small. "He knows I'm..."

Ah.

Queer.

Nate pulls him into his arms and hugs him hard.

"That is none of his business. You're a god to him Sid, to everyone around you. What you do in the bedroom isn't anyone's fucking business but yours." Nate pulls back to cup his face. "Tys told us up there that he's happy for us. Sure he's fucking hammered, but he means it Sid. He would never judge you for this."

Sid shakes his head, "I know, I know. I just..." He swallows and looks up at the non-existent stars. "I don't like people knowing. Not having the...autonomy, I guess, to control what people say about me. What they think of me."

Nate chuckles, "Sid, that is an exhausting way to go through life."

Sid looks back down at him with confusion.

"People are going to say all kinds of shit about you. About me. They already fucking do. Some of it's true, some of it isn't. I know who you are. You know who are. We are the only ones who get a say."

Sid looks at him with an expression Nate can't quite read.

"What?"

"You're growing up. You've changed."

Nate kisses him gently to hide his blush. "You still have to buy the beer though."

Sid laughs and hugs him. Nate burrows into him and breathes him in. "We okay?"

Sid nods. "Yeah. We're good."

Nate takes his hand and they walk back to the condo slow.

X

The hangover the next morning is out of this world. A few times throughout the night Nate could hear Tys puking violently in the bathroom. Sid had gotten up at one point to get him some water and some toast. 

They don't rally until about noon the next day, explaining to Aaron that they went a bit too hard last night and will do yoga and stretches at home to make up for the lost day. Andy had texted Sid a bit angry but Aaron had just laughed.

"Oh to be young!" was all he said.

12:30 pm finds them all leaning, seated or draped over the kitchen island eating Sid's scrambled eggs on toast and praying that the Advil kicks in soon. Tys looks like death and is shaking slightly typing back a response to Marchy (who they did call last night) explaining their situation. Nate and Sid don't feel nearly as bad as Tys and finish their eggs before he does. 

"Fuck." Tys quietly but sincerely moans.

"Whiskey, Tys. What, did you not learn your lesson in Prague?' Nate pokes at him.

"Nate. I swear to Christ I will castrate you. Stop speaking. So. Loud."

Nate laughs and takes his and Sid's plates to the sink. He pours Sid a cup of coffee when he notices he's a bit low and hands his mug back to him, standing beside him at the island.

Sid smiles at him and leans in, kissing him softly. Right in front of Tys. Nate stomach swoops and his brain flat-lines for a second. "Thank you." Sid murmurs.

Nate smiles, feeling his skin flush.

"Oh fuck off with your homoerotic bliss. You guys are going to make me puke again."

Sid laughs.

X

It's their last night in LA.

Once again, Nate doesn't want to leave. They are sitting on the beach with their toes in the sand. Sid's hair is sticking straight up from the dried salt water in it and his tan glows in the late evening sun.

They are drinking the wine they bought earlier straight from the bottles in paper bags like absolute hicks. Nate is already starting to feel the arousal pool in his gut and Sid looking like a Greek god beside him isn't helping. Sid knows this. His eyes spark with equal parts mirth and heat when he looks at Nate.

The rest of the camp had flown by. Nate could feel himself improve, his edgework and speed especially. Sid was consistently strong but Nate noticed that he pushed himself just as hard to keep up with Nate and it worked for him. Sid taught him a few defensive strategies and Nate taught Sid a crossover hack that he likes to do. Their competitive edges started to flourish once they found more equal footing. There were a few arguments - they both hate to lose after all, but as soon as they would step off the ice or the turf they were okay, setting aside their shit for each other's sake. Aaron had congratulated them on their hard work that last day and wished them the best in the next season. They both thanked him and gave him a nice bottle of California wine in appreciation.

They didn't go out much for dinners or for entertainment over the rest of their free time, mostly due to the incident on the beach earlier. Nate was privately happy with this. He wanted as much time as he could with Sid, just them. The real world could spin on around them and Nate would happily let it. Besides, the media was still their least favourite thing about their jobs and the less attention and scrutiny they attracted, the better. It was surprisingly easy to do once they got the hang of it. After all, Sid has been doing it for years.

When they weren't at the gym or at the rink, they would hardly leave their bed. Cocooned in their sanctuary by the ocean, they mapped each other's bodies out learning everything they could about one another. Nate over those few days was constantly on a low simmer and Sid was more than happy to test Nate's stamina out in real time. It was a ferocious combo. They never cross that line that Nate had panicked about in Paris but they don't have to. Nate is wrung dry almost every day anyway and Sid never initiates the conversation. Nearer to the end of their trip, Nate could feel Sid get more possessive, more dominant, testing out what he could get away with while they still had the privacy to explore. Nate, of course, loved every second of it and allowed Sid to push him to his limits, safe in knowing that Sid would never push him too far.

They talk. And laugh. And play tennis once (badly, Nate finally finds a sport that Sid isn't a natural at). They make a silly secret handshake tangled in the sheets of their bed. Sid tries to teach Nate to cook. It ends up with Nate on his knees in the kitchen while Sid gasps his name and the food burns. 

Nate wakes up everyday to Sid beside him on expansive white sheets with the sound of waves.

It's the happiest Nate has ever been.

LA, Nate finally admits, is not a bad town.

Sorrow pricks at Nate every now and then when he thinks of going home. The condo has become a sort of limbo state, a bubble of happiness that Nate fiercely wants to protect. Leaving it, braving the real world and facing the reality of their relationship in the context of their hometown was daunting. But he watches as Sid will laugh at his stupid jokes or kiss his knuckles after sex and Nate knows in his bones that they are going to be okay. They are going to make this work.

Day by day.

After the past three weeks, and especially that last one, it would be impossible to cut each other out now. 

The sun starts to kiss the ocean, turning the world a technicolor bright orange. 

"Cheers." Sid mutters beside him and Nate chuckles, clinking his paper bag wrapped bottle to Sid's.

Nate takes another sip and has to adjust himself. He's been fighting his libido with every mouthful of wine and his shorts aren't roomy enough for this. Sid notices him fidget and starts to laugh.

"Wow." 

"You wanted to drink wine!" 

Sid laughs his ridiculous laugh and knocks his shoulder.

Nate grumbles. "Not my fault wine is an adirondack."

Sid blinks at him for a second but then falls back on the sand, laughing so hard he starts to choke.

"Aphrodisiac, Nate."

Nate pretends to bite at Sid's knees and Sid squawks, trying to avoid him, hacking up a lung.

"And," Sid wheezes, still coughing, "I think it's just you babe. Wine just...gets you. For some reason."

The endearment makes Nate speechless. Sid always just calls him Nate, even during sex. Nathan, when he's being annoying. Nate tries to wipe the wonder from his face before Sid can see. Sid doesn't notice, he's coughing around laughter in the sand, his hair a fucking wreck with his paper bag wrapped bottle of wine. He's a mess. Nate is so in love.

"Shut up." Nate says, maybe a bit too softly, unable to keep the smile from his face.

Sid sits back up after a few last coughs, swigging some wine to clear his throat and shakes his head at him.

"You're a medical marvel. They should study you."

Nate pushes his face away. "You are such an ass."

Sid's warm eyes never leave Nate's face, reflecting the sunset and turning them that beautiful bronze colour that Nate loves. He bumps Nate's shoulder. "You love me."

It's true. Nate nods. "I do for some reason."

Sid laughs. A flash of heat makes his golden eyes near blisteringly warm and he breathes, "Say it again."

Nate looks at him and smiles. Easy. "I love you."

Sid's eyes melt Nate into the sand. His low-level arousal spikes sharply into an inferno and Nate surrenders to it. Sid stands up, offering Nate a hand.

Nate looks up at him.

He's brilliant, actually radiant, in the setting sun. Godlike, stubborn. Kind. And somehow, against all odds - Nate’s - some of the time.

Sid smiles at him. Nate transfers his wine into his other hand and lets Sid pull him to his feet. 

They race back to the condo and finish their wine in bed.

X

Chapter Text

Nate opens his door for a split second, but then closes it sharply.

Sid, behind him, raises an eyebrow.

"It's uh, it's not done yet. Ignore the socks on the couch. And I don't know anything about jute."

Sid furrows his brow, computing what Nate just said. 

"Jute?"

Nate nods, "The furniture people recommended it."

"The furniture people?"

Nate huffs, "You know what I mean Sid."

Sid starts to laugh and shake his head. "No, Nate. I have no idea what you mean."

Nate gestures the rough shape of his rug. "You know...jute."

"Oh my god, Nate. Open the door."

Nate reaches for the handle but pauses. Sid quietly curses.

"I didn't know it would smell like that."

"What?"

"Jute."

"Nate, you're killing me."

Sid reaches around him for the handle but Nate stops him with a hand on his chest. "Wait!"

"Nate!"

"Close your eyes."

Sid is laughing in the warm morning light, shaking his head but endlessly patient with Nate's shit. "Why?" he laughs.

"So I can make sure the socks are not on the couch."

"Oh my fucking god Nate, I have seen every inch of your body - "

Nate slides a hand over Sid's jaw. "Please?"

Sid's eyes go impossibly soft. He huffs. "Fine." and closes his eyes.

Nate takes every opportunity to kiss Sid whenever he can and he'll be damned if he's going to stop now. Sid laughs against Nate's mouth but keeps his eyes closed. "Nate!"

"Okay, okay. Here we go." He opens the door and takes Sid's hands. 

He leads Sid down the short entryway by the kitchen and into the living room.

"Wait here." Nate murmurs and kisses Sid's temple.

Sid smiles, shaking his head but does as he asks.

Nate dives towards the couch and rolls up his dirty socks, throws his hockey magazines back on the coffee table and sprints into the kitchen to throw dishes into the dishwasher.

Sid is laughing hearing him run around like a maniac but he keeps his eyes closed.

Finally, it is presentable and Nate comes up to stand behind Sid.

"Okay. Go ahead."

Sid blinks open his eyes and his breath hitches.

"Nate..."

Over their weeks in LA Nate had hired a local designer and recruited Sarah to help move furniture in and make it an actual livable house. It doesn't really feel like Nate's yet, but he is slowly filling it with art, posters, photos and a plant that Sid's mom got him. It's a peaceful and calm space. Nate desperately hopes Sid likes it. 

Sid looks up at the high roof and turns around, taking in the kitchen, the living room and the huge windows.

"Nate this is gorgeous." Sid breathes.

Nate's pinches his fingertips together because they were starting to go numb. "You like it?"

Sid smiles his huge crinkle nose smile and he laughs incredulously at the question, "Yeah Nate. This is beautiful."

Nate takes a deep breath. "Good."

Sid smiles at him.

Nate takes his hand again, "I'll give you a tour."

Nate takes him everywhere; showing him every closet, cupboard and pulling out every drawer. Nate's bedroom also overlooks the lake like his living room does and Sid touches the bedspread absent-mindedly, looking out at the water. Something achingly warm settles in Nate's chest watching Sid take in Nate's room that he cannot describe. 

They go downstairs and Nate takes him into the gym. He gestures like a game show host at the new equipment, the brand new mats, floor length mirrors and mounted surround sound TV. Sid watches all of his theatrics with a fond smile.

"Pretty nice eh?" Nate preens.

Sid snorts a laugh at Nate's confidence, "It's perfect for you."

Nate stands beside him and looks out at his very own gym. "Well, I figured we could work out here now. Instead of yours."

Sid looks at him accusingly. "What?"

Nate looks out at his literal brand new gym and gestures weakly, "I mean, it's brand new, my stuff is newer..."

"Nope."

Nate pinches the bridge of his nose. He feared this might happen. "Sid..."

"Nope."

"You can't be serious."

"I won a cup training in that gym!"

"You'll win three more if you train in here with me!" Nate yells exasperated.

"We can train in here when you win a cup." Sid offers.

Nate heaves a deep sigh. 

"Or we could not train together." Sid says with a teasing smirk. Sid knows that they would never do that. Nate rolls his eyes.

He's never going to win this one. 

"Fine."

Sid grins.

"You have to admit mine's nicer though Sid."

"2009 Nate. Who won the cup again?"

Nate slaps his ass as they go back up the stairs.

X

There is a mountain of food on the folding tables and Nate has been tasked with killing the wasps that circle around it.

He gets a particularity satisfying kill and spins the electric fly swatter around in his hands, pleased.

"Sid. I dare you to lick this."

Sid shakes his head and flips the sausages over. He doesn't answer Nate.

"I double-dog dare you."

Nate's mom bustles out of Nate's house with three kinds of salad. "Nathan, don't harass Sidney." 

Sid explodes a laugh. Nate shoots him a withering look at his back.

Trina follows behind with buns and a jar of pickles. 

"Almost ready honey?" she asks Sid.

"Yep, few more minutes."

It's Canada Day. The Crosbys and the Mackinnons are over at Nate's for the promised barbeque mentioned in Prague. A small part of Nate is sad that Sid and him aren't going to Prince Edward Island this year but looking around, this is hard to complain about. Graham and Troy are testing out Sid and Nate's new golf clubs down by the lake and talking about whatever dads talk about at barbeques. Sarah and Taylor are sitting on the patio with cold glasses of white wine and gossiping. It's a beautiful day.

Sid and Nate went golfing earlier and for the first time, Nate beat him at an 18 hole round. Sid was a bit bitchy about it but allowed Nate to pull him into the shower to make it up to him. Nate has a huge hickey on his chest, hidden by his shirt, and Sid has a bite mark on his thigh. Every now and then Nate can see it poke out under Sid's shorts as he mans the grill. Every time Nate sees it he has to take a breather, but his eyes are drawn to it like a magnet. He did that. He put that there.

He avoids the wine. They are around their parents. It could get weird really fast, and Nate is already halfway there.

Their dads come up with their clubs and hand them back over to Nate. Graham calls out to Sid, "Hey, uh Sid? What the heck is up with this 60 degree in here?"

Sid freezes, and Nate looks at him in confusion. He looks guilty.

"Uh," Sid clears his throat. "That's just a club someone gave me years and years ago. I don't hardly use it."

That last part is a lie but Nate is still confused. He picks up the club and understands.

It's super illegal in regulation with a massive face and teeth. There is a label smudged on it titled "The Spin Doctor".

Nate starts to laugh. "You dirty fucker."

"Nathan MacKinnon" his mom hisses.

Trina just waves Nate's rudeness off with a smile.

Sid comes over and Nate can tell he's ashamed. Nate laughs at him as Sid snatches the Doctor away. 

"Did you use this today?" Nate challenges him.

"No." A lie.

Nate lunges at him. "You cheating, motherfucker - "

"Nathan! Language!"

Sid dances away from him with the club and tries to poke him back with the butt end of the handle.

"I only used it once!"

"You shouldn't be using it at all!" 

"You didn't even notice!"

"So that makes it okay? What are you, twelve?"

Nate manages to grab it and sprints with it towards Sid's dock. 

"Nate, don't you fucking dare -! " 

(Sidney! Geez guys, language...)

Nate is faster than Sid now on and off the ice but he's laughing almost too hard to even run. He reaches the dock and cranks his arm back, ready to launch that cursed thing into the lake when Sid tackles him. They fly for a split second, Sid wrapped around him, and hit the water together.

Nate struggles with Sid under the water but Sid ends up almost kneeing him in the balls and wrenching the club away. Nate scrabbles at Sid's clothes trying to grab the club but Sid kicks away from him. Nate gives up and shoots back to the surface. Sid immediately starts front crawling as fast as he can away from Nate, protecting that stupid club and Nate has to laugh. The Spin Doctor will live another day.

Their families watch them approach back to Nate's patio, soaked, laughing and shaking their heads. 

Taylor calls out to them, "You guys are idiots!"

Troy hands them a towel and a beer.

Sid sweeps some water off of his face and grins at Nate. Nate ducks close to his ear, close but not suspiciously so, and mutters in his ear. "I'm going to steal that fucker tonight when you're asleep. Mark my words sweetheart."

Sid turns into him, almost nose to nose. Alarm bells ring in Nate's head, they are too close, but then Nate is caught up in Sid's gravitational pull and nothing else matters. Sid breathes him in, his clever eyes flashing with arousal. "I'd like to see you try."

Nate almost groans and has to take a heavy step back. Sid's eyes never leave his face.

Fuck.

Canada Day is rapidly becoming Nate's favourite holiday.

X

"Hey Sid, I got you that shirt you wanted."

Nate closes Sid's door behind him, absentmindedly texting Jonathan Drouin, an old Halifax Mooseheads friend and Tampa Bay Lighting winger about a tee time.

He continues, kicking off his shoes and sending Jon the text, "I don't know why you want the same one as me, but - "

The sound of the blender in the kitchen cuts Nate off. Nate snorts and rolls his eyes. He rounds the corner to the kitchen.

"Sid, swee-"

Kathy Leutner stands at Sid's counter, her finger over the blender button and looks up at Nate with surprise.

Nate drops the bag with Sid's shirt.

"Hey! Sorry! I didn't hear you come in." Kathy smiles at him and Nate has no idea what to do.

Nate knew she was coming, Sid had told him one night tangled up together in Nate's bed, but Sid hadn't been sure on what day. Nate had nodded, accepting this. He meant every word he told Sid in LA; he will take whatever time he can. Nate could see Sid read him, worried that somehow Nate would take it back but Nate just kissed him deeply and whispered a simple, "Okay."

Now though, Nate is panicking. 

Kathy rounds the counter and hugs Nate. That is infinitely worse. He gives her a weird, manly slap on the back and garbles out a sentence that is barely English. "Wow, uh hi? Blending?"

Kathy laughs and releases him. "You must be Nathan. Sid's told me about you."

Nate knows what her boyfriend looks like when he is practically screaming Nate's name. Just yesterday Nate had eaten Sid out for over 20 minutes, trying to get him to come on his tongue alone. It worked.

Not helpful, not helpful -

"Uh, yeah. Sorry - I just. Sid told me you were coming, but he. Uh. Didn't know what day."

Kathy nods and rolls her eyes. "I did tell him, but you know him. He can't keep track of these things."

Nate bristles. Sid is one of the smartest people he knows, maybe even the smartest. He can keep track of a fucking schedule.

This is not going well. Where the fuck is Sid? 

Kathy carries on, heedless of Nate's slight shift in body language, "I heard you guys had a fun time in Europe!"

Oh yeah, lots of fun. Sid got Date Raped, they kissed and slept together for the first time, Nate fell more in love, Sid broke his heart, Elise saved Sid's life and Nate talked to God. Great time.

"Yeah, it was great playing with him. He's one of the best ever so having the opportunity was pretty special."

There is a long beat of silence and Kathy raises her eyebrows at him. "Uh, Nathan you know I'm not a reporter right?"

Ah fuck. Where the hell is Sid?!

Nate waves a hand around, feeling very stupid. "Sorry - I know. Just. Habit. I guess."

Kathy laughs at him and Nate can see why Sid loves her. He tries not to hate her for it. 

Sid comes skidding around the corner from the stairs, his hair a mess and wearing Nate's shirt. He takes a split second to look between the two of them like he just entered the Twilight Zone and Nate internally snorts. This is so fucked up.

"Nate. You're here." Sid says stupidly and Nate despairs. It's like they are having a battle for who can be the most goddamn awkward about this and they are both currently top contenders. 

Nate nods, picking up the bag that he dropped. "Yeah, uh I got that shirt. For you. The one you asked for."

Sid blinks at him but doesn't reach for the bag. Nate huffs and slowly passes him the bag, like approaching a spooked horse.

Sid gets the hint after a few seconds and grabs it. "Right, sorry."

Nate nods.

There is a horrific moment of silence.

Nate needs to get out of here.

He claps his hands overly loud. "Well, I am going to go golfing. Have a good time. Uh, Kathy nice to meet you, I am sure I'll see you again before you leave."

Kathy nods, "For sure! We should do dinner here this week. I hear you're our new neighbour after all."

Nate's brain gets stuck on the "our". "Our". Like she lives here too.

He bobs his head like an idiot and refuses to look at Sid in Nate's shirt. "Yeah lets do it. Sid can text me the dets."

Dets. Who the fuck says "dets"?

He does a very stupid little salute and walks stiffly to the door, conscious of Sid's eyes on him.

He makes it outside without incident and Nate thanks the universe for small miracles.

X

He chunks a ball into the bush and throws his club.

It helicopters away from him on the 15th and lands on the fairway with a dull thud.

Jo zooms by him on his cart and Nate can hear him cackling. 

He takes a deep breath.

The incident at Sid's house has him more rattled than he'd care to admit. It was easy to pretend that Kathy didn't exist when she wasn't living, breathing and blending fruit in Sid's kitchen. Nate still stands by what he said, he will never be able to budge on how he feels about Sid, but it's...different. More real. 

What they are doing behind her back is pretty shitty. Nate was so caught up in loving Sid and celebrating everything they have together than he forgot that what they are doing would seriously hurt her. Nate obviously doesn't know her well, but she seems sweet. Funny. 

He feels like an asshole.

He picks up his club and smacks the ground with the face of it for good measure. 

Jo circles back around in his cart, Chris Stapleton blasting over his speakers, and tosses him a replacement ball.

"God you suck."

"Fuck off Drouin." Nate snaps.

Jo raises his hands in defense and watches quietly as Nate duffs another into the bush on the opposite side of the fairway.

Nate snaps his club over his knee.

Jo, for once, doesn't say anything but he does cock an eyebrow at Nate.

Jonathan Drouin, Jo or Jon, and Nate have been playing together since they were kids. They won the Memorial Cup together and were roommates sometimes on the road for that series. They followed largely the same path and ended up in the NHL; Jo being a first round, 3rd overall pick for the Lightning. After they got into the NHL, they kind of lost touch. Nate tries to keep up with his life but their conversations are usually just check-ins over the season. Are they alive, how's the family, what are they doing for Christmas, those kinds of conversations. Jo is down-to-earth, a damn good hockey player and he knows Nate well.

"What has got your panties in a twist today Mack?"

Case in point.

Nate throws his broken club back in the bag and throws himself on to the golf cart seat beside Jo.

"Nothing." he hisses.

Jo snorts. "Sure."

Nate glares at him and Jo raises his hands again, pressing on the gas and zipping ahead.

Chris Stapleton is singing about whiskey and love and Nate's heart twists.

"What's Sid up to today?" Jo asks innocently.

Nate closes his eyes. Of course.

"His, uh." Nate coughs. "His girlfriend is here. Kathy. I'd imagine they'd be..."

What, fucking? They don't do that. Sid would be taking her out for a romantic dinner? Sid doesn't really do that either.

At least, not with Kathy.

"...hanging out." he finishes lamely.

Jo nods. "Nice. You know, I've like only ever seen her picture like once? I think? She seems like a bit of an enigma."

Nate shrugs, "Yeah I just met her today. She spends most of her time in the States."

Jo shrugs, "That's a bit weird. Isn't it?"

Nate looks at him. "What?"

Jo parks the cart and gets out. "I mean, they've been together forever but no one knows her? And they live in different countries? I dunno man."  He takes a few practice swings and squints down the fairway. "Just is weird."

Jo doesn't know the half of it. 

He hits his ball and it lands about a foot away from the green. Nate curses. Jo is shit kicking him today.

But he continues, casually ignoring that PGA shot he just did, "Like, you see him every single day. You see him more than she does."

Nate snaps his gaze to Jo's face. There is no way he could know...

Icy panic turns Nate's fingers numb.

"What are you implying Jo? That we're dating or something?" Nate bites out. It's too defensive, too shrill. Nate tries to calm his heart rate and calm the fuck down.

Jo shakes his head, getting back in the cart. "No, no. You weirdo. Just. Doesn't he, like, miss her?"

At that Nate looks forward and stares ahead blindly. He doesn't know.

"Anyways, well good for them. I hope they have a good time." Jo passes Nate another ball.

"Take the drop. I'm starving."

X

Kathy has been over for five days before Sid comes to find him.

Nate is sunbathing on his patio, pretending he's back in LA and half asleep listening to music through his headphones. He feels a bit better about this situation than he did golfing with Jo a few days ago, but to say he isn't hiding out at his house would be a lie. 

Sid wanted this. Sid agreed to it. It's his relationship, not Nate's. Those simple truths are what keeps Nate sane at night. He repeats it like a mantra.

There is also a shamefully bigger-than-it-should-be nugget of vindication that grows in Nate's chest every day. Sid, on paper, belongs to Kathy. No doubt. But Nate knows Sid. He may even know Sid better than her, at least sexually he certainly does. He loves him more, that he has no doubt. If they were allowed to be together, free of the hypocrisy, the obligations and the hate, Nate would never let a day go by without being by his side. How Perfect Kathy can leave him for months and months at a time is baffling to Nate. If he was in her position, he'd cherish every goddamn day they could have together. It makes him irrationally angry at her, how casual she can be when Nate would literally do anything, be anyone, to have the opportunity she has to love Sid openly.

So Nate hides in his big, empty new house and tries not to check if Sid's Land Rover is in driveway or not.

Nate startles awake with a kick to his foot.

He jumps and rips his headphones out of his ears. Sid smiles down at him softly.

Nate releases a heavy breath and smiles. "Hey sweetheart."

Sid looks good. Maybe a bit tired, but okay. Nate sits up and gestures for him to sit beside him. Sid settles in with a small sigh.

"Kathy is just out with my mom. Thought I'd come say hi."

Nate bumps his shoulder. "Glad you did. Missed your ugly mug."

Sid shoves him. Nate laughs and takes Sid's hand, turning it over in his own and tracing his knuckles. Sid gently but quickly pulls his hand away.

Hurt bruises deep in Nate's chest but he swallows it down. There is a second of profound silence and Nate looks out at the lake.

"This is harder than I thought it would be." Sid whispers.

Nate nods. He knows.

"I'm sorry."

Sid shakes his head. "Don't be. Not your fault."

Nate shrugs. It kind of is his fault. He's the one who had to go and and fall in love with his childhood hero and be so unhinged about it that Sid started to love him back.

A small brown bird alights on one of the pine trees by the lake and calls out a warbling song. Sid smiles faintly, watching it sing.

"What have you been up to?" Sid asks quietly.

Nate huffs, "Golfing. Sleeping. Working out. Masturbating constantly.'" He shrugs. "You know, the usual."

Sid barks a surprised laugh and looks at him incredulously. "Oh really? How's that been going for you?"

Nate laughs and drowns in his warm eyes. "Seriously like so bad."

"I bet."

"My dick has started to chafe."

Sid starts to honk in laughter and Nate can see some of the heaviness leave. 

"Lube, Nate. Jesus." Sid gasps.

Nate throws up his hands. "It doesn't help when you're tugging on it like 6 or 7 times a day!"

Sid explodes in more laughter and nearly falls off the chair. "A day?!"

Nate pulls him back up so he doesn't fall, "Yeah! What else am I supposed to do?"

At that Sid stops laughing and sorrow flashes across his face. The smile dies from Nate's face.

"Sid -" 

Sid blinks hard and looks out at the lake. "This isn't fair."

"To who?"

Sid swallows. "You. Kathy."

"You know I can handle this Sid. I meant what I said."

Sid shakes his head but doesn't look away from the deep blue water. 

"I feel so guilty." Sid breathes.

Nate looks down at their feet and nods. 

"There are some days where I feel like I can't even look at her." Sid starts to blink away tears and Nate tangles their feet together. He stays quiet. Nate has been kind of waiting for this, for the other shoe to drop. For this to become real for them both. It's actually kind of remarkable it took this long.

There is nothing Nate can offer here though. No words. He's as much responsible for this as Sid is.

The way Nate sees it, either way they lose. If they lose each other, Nate would never recover. Even the thought causes Nate's brain to white out with panic. If Sid loses Nate, Nate is pretty sure Sid would feel the same. If Sid loses Kathy, he'd blame himself, which is fair, but then Nate suspects that Sid would never be the same; too guilt ridden and ashamed from losing her. Therefore, Sid and Nate's relationship going forward would be fucked up and may not even work out, which brings Nate back to the idea of losing Sid and the subsequent anxiety that causes. It's like a carousel of suffering for everyone.

What they are doing now is the lesser of those evils, in Nate's opinion. Is it unfair? Maybe. But it's kind of unfair for all of them - just in different ways. 

A loon calls out over the lake and some sparrows take flight from a tree, catching the late afternoon sun and spinning on the breeze.

Sid tiredly rests his head on Nate's shoulder. Nate inwardly sighs in relief from his touch. They take a moment, stolen and small, to breathe together.

Nate shrugs his shoulder and bumps Sid's head. "Hey, did you hear that that new kid Connor McDavid can skate like, 40 kilometers an hour?"

Nate can feel Sid smile against his shirt. It's a distraction and Sid knows it. 

"Yes, babe. I heard that."

But then Sid pauses, processing. He sits back up and looks at Nate disbelievingly. "40?!"

"That's what they're saying!"

"Nate, that's physically impossible. There is no way - "

"I heard it on the draft!"

"Nate I was with you when we watched the draft. There is no way they said 40."

Nate shrugs and looks out at the lake, fighting a smile. "It's what I heard."

Sid frowns at him and then pulls out his phone, muttering about super-human speed.

Nate knows they didn't say 40. It's high, but it's not that high.

They spend the next hour going over the draft picks, their stats, and snooping Mikko Rantanen's social media profiles since he will be playing with Nate next year. Sid is excited to meet Mitch Marner and Nate is intimidated as fuck by McDavid's stats. 

After they have hashed it out to death, Nate admits that maybe, just maybe, he heard it wrong. Sid plays along, knowing that he needed this but also knowing he would never would have been brave enough to ask for it. Sid's eyes catch on Nate's mouth every now and then and Nate allows it, but doesn't try anything. Sid needs to set the pace.

"Kathy did ask me if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight." Sid finally slides off the chair and stands, stretching his back. His spine makes a loud popping sound. "That's what I am supposed to be over here for."

Back to reality. Nate nods.

"Would that be okay?"

Sid releases a big breath, turning to look down at Nate. "Yeah. I actually would prefer if you came. I think my family is coming too."

Nate nods. "Sure."

X

Dinner is fine. Nice, even. 

Sid is the perfect doting partner to Kathy. He is friendly but distant with Nate, likely afraid even a wayward glaze would blow up in their faces. Nate can tell just from their body language that they are not very tactile together, almost professional, even in Sid's own home. If anyone were to look at him, they would just see a devoted boyfriend, son and friend. Nate knows better.

Sid's hands twitch almost entirely through the meal.

Trina comes around with wine after their dinner when they are all in the living room and tries to pour Nate a glass. 

"Ah, uh thanks but I better not." Nate smiles apologetically at her. Sid's eyes snap to his face.

"No problem honey." Trina moves on to Taylor.

Nate can feel Sid watching him still and dares to look at him. He's in a loose white button up shirt and dark green shorts. He has a bit of a flush from the wine and is sitting on the arm of the loveseat where Kathy is sitting. His eyes flash with heat for a split second and then it's gone. 

Nate flicks his fingers when they start to go numb.

X

Kathy leaves the next day. Back to the States.

Sid knocks on his door 20 minutes after she's gone. 

Nate opens his door and Sid trips into his arms. Nate drags him into the house and they don't leave for the rest of the day.

X

"Three more."

"Fuck, Sid."

"C'mon. Don't be a little bitch."

"...Rude."

"Three more!"

"Ugh....one."

"No, that was like half. Full extension."

"......"

"Do it again."

"Fuck no! That was one!"

"Full. Extension."

"......."

"Well that one was better but you looked like my grandma doing it."

"You're awful to lift with, has anyone ever told you that? Ow!"

"2 more."

"Sid..."

"........"

"Good. One more."

"Fuck...."

".........."

"Nice, good. That wasn't so hard was it? Sure glad you complained about it the whole time."

"You're such an ass."

"......"

"Don't kiss me. Don't."

"....."

"You're sweaty and disgusting. Don't. I'll make you do more."

"I just love it when you insult me when we lift weights. Really riles me up. Gets me hot. What can I say."

"You're an idiot."

"......"

"There. One kiss, you psycho. Now please spot me and make sure I don't die."

X

Nate heaves himself up onto Sid's dock and shakes lake water out his hair like a dog.

Below him Sid taps his ankle and Nate turns around to pull him out of the water. Sid slips out of the water easily and Nate makes sure his feet are under him before letting him go.

It's near the end of July. Summer is flying by.

Sid's hockey school is due to start soon and over the past week, Sid has been slowly losing his mind with preparations. Taylor, a few coaches, volunteers and staff have been running back and forth from Sid's house, to Halifax, to the rink in Cole Harbour and back almost like a daily pilgrimage. Sid has been handling it well, more excited than nervous and Nate is starting to see Sid's dream come to life in real time. Late at night Sid will yap on and on about what could go wrong until Nate turns off the light and tugs him to bed. Sid will complain but then he's almost always out like a light, exhausted. 

They walk back to Sid's house to shower and change out of their wet trunks, squeegeeing off water with their hands. Sid's windchime tinkles in the light breeze and the sun casts long shadows across Sid's lawn.

Sid is talking about Flower's new skates and distractedly grabs his mail as he comes in the door.

"Hey, these came for us. Yours was sent here by accident." Sid passes him an envelope stamped with the IIHF logo and his name on the outside. Nate wipes off his wet hands as best he can and opens it. 

A small simple card is inside and his cheque from his winnings in Prague. One million Swiss Francs amounts to about 1.3 Canadian dollars that the players all split.

Nate's heart swoops in his chest. He already knows what he wants to do with his winnings, he just needs the right time to do it. Sid comes over and peers at Nate's cheque with a huge grin.

"That feels pretty good eh?" he laughs.

Nate smiles, nervous. "It does."

Sid kisses his cheek and steps away from him, further into the living room. He's thinking about something, assessing Nate with his intelligent eyes. 

Nate squirms, "What?"

A pretty flush crawls up Sid's neck and he nods to himself. He reaches for the clasp of his wet shorts.

Heat sparks up Nate's spine - he's so pitifully easy for this man, he doesn't give a fuck - and he slaps his cheque on to the counter behind him. He takes a half lunge forwards. Sid shakes his head, whipping his hands away from his shorts and Nate stops. Ah. Okay.

Nate freezes where he stands, understanding and nods. Sid smiles shyly but nods back. He resumes his task of undoing his shorts. Nate can feel his cock respond and makes no move to hide it. Sid knows how bad Nate wants him. He wouldn't be doing this otherwise.

Sid is nearly entirely hard by the time he's opened his shorts enough to shimmy them down. He kicks them carelessly away and makes eye contact with Nate.

Nate groans and his hands twitch at his side. He needs to touch him, he needs to - 

Sid tilts his chin up and stands there, unashamed, beautiful - and fists a hand around himself. 

Nate falls forward onto his knees, captivated, never breaking eye contact with Sid for a second. He humbles himself at Sid’s feet; willing, devoted.

Sid pumps himself a bit quicker seeing Nate on his knees and breathes a small high sound.

"Sid...Sid." Nate reaches abortively for his own cock and Sid stops. 

Nate nearly sobs. "Please. Sid - "

Sid steps closer to him and runs a hand through Nate's hair. The tenderness of the gesture offsets some of the desperation and Nate pants staring up at Sid's lust blown eyes. Sid grips his hair in his fist hard for a split second, forcing Nate to look at him and Sid nods, again.

Nate explodes to his feet and captures Sid in a bruising kiss, lifting him right off the ground. He spins them, walking them back towards the kitchen and pins Sid against the counter. Sid's hardness against Nate's makes the rest of the world go hazy. Nate wants to feel every inch of him. He slips a thigh between Sid's strong legs and grinds into him sharply. 

Sid bares his throat, undoing Nate's wet shorts and yanking them off. Nate bites at his tendons, feeling his erection slap back up to his belly. Nate would gladly fuck right here in the kitchen but Nate suddenly has a plan.

He grabs Sid's hand and pulls him up the stairs into Sid's bedroom. They alternate sleeping over at each other's houses. Sid has the gym and can cook, but Nate has a jet walk-in shower and a better bed. Nate leaves his things here sometimes just like Sid leaves things at Nate's. Therefore, Nate knows exactly where the the lube is. He grabs it and practically throws Sid on to the bed immediately crawling up after him and kissing him into the mattress.

Sid presses his fingers almost too hard into Nate's back and gasps as Nate aligns their cocks back up. 

Nate kisses him heavily and listens to Sid keen in need. "Nate..."

Nate moves off of him and rolls onto his side, facing Sid. Sid rolls over to meet him, licking into his mouth and he starts to climb over to push Nate to his back.

"Hang on, hang on," Nate gasps, "I want to try something."  

Nate squirts a liberal amount of lube onto his hands and slicks up his thighs. Sid is kissing his chest, leaving deep bruises but stops to see what Nate is doing. "Nate?"

Nate kisses him quick and pulls Sid's hips closer to him. He hooks his ankles together and breathes into Sid's mouth. "Fuck my thighs."

Sid gapes, panting, so aroused and adorably confused. "How -?"

Nate guides Sid's cock against the crease in his legs and pulls his hips in. Sid is breathless, "Nate that isn't -" Sid slips in, just under Nate's balls, and he cries out. Nate grins, watching Sid lose his mind with this new kind of pleasure. 

"Holy - Nate, so tight..." Sid can't catch his breath and Nate grins, kissing him. Sid whimpers into the kiss as Nate pulls him in, as far as he can go. 

This position doesn't do much for Nate except some stimulation on his balls but it doesn't matter. He can feel Sid's pleasure roll off of him in waves. Like a second-hand high, it is enough to lose himself in. 

Sid is gasping for air, rock hard and he hasn't even moved yet. Nate huffs a laugh and murmurs against Sid's mouth. "Move, sweetheart."

Sid, following age-old human instinct, does. 

He starts off cautious, overwhelmed, but Nate clenches his thighs and Sid practically screams, "Fuck, Nate!" and starts to move with more confidence, chasing his pleasure.

Nate kisses him in encouragement but it quickly dissolves into pants against each other's mouths. Sid reaches up around Nate's shoulders and hooks his hands over them so he can get more leverage, pistoning his hips. Nate clings to Sid's back, wanting him as close as possible and just hangs on. 

One particularly hard thrust shoves Nate onto his back and Sid slips out. They both curse and Sid climbs up over him, draping himself over Nate and maneuvering his cock back to where it belongs. Nate forces his legs together and bites back another curse when Sid buries himself deep in one thrust.

"Sid, fuck -"

Sid's new position traps Nate's erection against his body as Sid's dick tunnels under Nate's balls along his ass crack. Every now and then Sid will hit that beautifully sensitive spot behind Nate's balls and Nate yells every time.

Sid is gasping and starts to whisper, almost to himself.

"Fuck Nate...you feel - ah. You feel so fucking good."

Nate bites at Sid's collarbone and drags his ass into him with every thrust.

"I wish -" Sid releases a hot breath against Nate's neck. Nate slides a hand into Sid's hair and pulls. Sid gasps.

"God I wish we could fuck." Nate confesses on a burst.

Sid cries out, tensing as stiff as a board, and comes.

Nate can feel his dick kick wet and hot between his legs and it's the single most erotic thing Nate has ever experienced before in his life.

Sid slumps into Nate's arms breathing heavily and shaking slightly with the force of his orgasm.  

Nate kisses his shoulder and allows his body to untense. He's still rock hard but he gives Sid a moment to breathe. Sid blinks up at him dazedly and Nate laughs. "You okay?'

Sid nods, a bit speechless. He reaches for Nate's cock. 

Nate groans when Sid starts to pump his fist. Sid pauses, thinking about something and reaches down between Nate's legs. He scoops up the mixture of come and lube and takes Nate back in hand, spreading his own seed all over Nate's cock. The glide is exquisite and Nate arches off the bed.

Scratch that, this is the hottest thing that Nate has ever experienced.

Sid looks at him with lust blown pupils and an intensity that is frankly terrifying. Nate loves it. He swings a leg over Nate's thighs and sits upright sliding a hand over Nate's chest towards his throat, stroking Nate all the while. 

Sid closes a hand around Nate's airway gently, seeking permission, his golden eyes nearly consumed by black.

Nate nods.

Sid squeezes his hand around Nate's throat and Nate's world ignites. 

He feels simultaneously like he's underwater and catching fire, his vision whiting out as his airway is completely cut off. He becomes hyper aware of his dick and the pleasure that Sid gives him but at the same time, his brain spins, ping ponging between too much and not enough. 

With every breath that Nate tries and fails to take, the world gets darker - heavier, and the pleasure intensifies. He is aware his lungs are burning and his neck is likely bruising but literally nothing else in the world matters.

Sid is whispering to him sweet praise and filthy expletives but Nate can't hear him. Sid speeds up his hand on Nate's cock and Nate starts to feel nothing at all. He floats for a second in a strange limbo, and then Sid removes his hand from Nate's neck.

Pleasure slams into him so hard that he screams, his come splashing all the way up to his neck as he spasms off the bed. His lungs burn, this throat aches. He nearly blacks out and only stays grounded by Sid kissing his face, running his hands through his hair and murmuring praise in his ear. He still can't hear what he says, his ears ring too loud to hear him, but it helps. Everything is fuzzy, muted and warm and Nate feels heavier than a stone. He blurrily raises a hand and touches Sid's face.

He looks like an angel. A god. He's so beautiful it hurts.

Sid smiles and laughs. Nate may have said that last part out loud but he doesn't give two shits.

"Stay with me babe." Sid whispers, stroking a hand across Nate's nose and lips.

Nate nods. Anything. He would do anything.

Sid chuckles again and reaches over to Nate's side of the bed to grab his water. Sid coerces Nate to have a few sips and props him up. The water helps immensely and Nate coughs, coming back to himself and shaking the ringing out of his ears. He rubs at his throat, the pain of his simple touch sending a worrying zing of arousal throughout Nate's body.

Sid is wrapped around him and practically purring in pleasure, evidently pleased with himself. Nate snorts, kissing his head. Sid blinks up at him and smiles. "There you are."

Nate smiles, exhausted, and yawns.

Sid yawns too from the contagious yawn phenomenon and chuckles, pulling the sheets over their naked bodies. Nate burrows his nose into Sid's dark hair and almost falls asleep when he remembers. No time like the present.

"Hey, Sid?" he croaks.

Sid hums, already half asleep.

"My prize money..." Sid opens his eyes and looks up at him quizzically.

"I want to donate it to the Hockey School." 

Sid sits up. "Nate - "

"I want to give back too. You do so much."

Sid searches his face and looks almost ready to cry.

"Plus. You know - I want to support you. This is one of your dreams. I want to help. I want to be a part of it." 

Sid cups his jaw. "You sure?"

Nate nods.

Sid laughs in surprised joy and kisses him, their teeth smashing together inelegantly.

Nate laughs too as Sid tackles him to the bed.

X

"Stop."

Sid snickers harder.

"Sid."

"And, action!"

Nate says his line and he can see Sid nearly pull a muscle trying not to laugh. It lasts two seconds before Sid breaks. Nate doesn't even finish his sentence.

He kicks him under the table.

He can hear a PA mutter to one of the camera assistants, "This is unusable."

If anything, it makes Sid laugh harder. 

"Uh, okay guys, let's take a break...Sidney do you want some water?"

Nate puts his head in his hands but he's laughing too. 

They are filming a series of Tim Hortons commercials in Dartmouth. Their first day was working the drive through. It was chaos. Nate has never had so much fun in his life.

He was nervous at first, especially for the drive through one. People obviously know who Sid is but they wouldn't really know Nate, so he was surprised by how many people recognized him. He does get called McGinnis by mistake but it's close enough and it makes Sid laugh. He'll take it.

This one they are supposed to be trading hockey cards using their very own NHL Tim Hortons Trading Cards. Nate was handed his own card when they arrived and he had stared at it for a solid five minutes. That's him. On a trading card. It's a weird thing to get sentimental about but Nate can't help it. Sid had noticed him take a moment and knocked his shoulder, happy for him. Maybe even a bit proud.

Sid though, is honestly one of the worst actors Nate has ever seen. Nate is no pro, by any means, but Sid is brutal. It's been a long afternoon and Sid cannot stop laughing. Nate can't find it in himself to care. Sid looks gorgeous in his black collared shirt and his eyes are hammered bronze in the TV lighting.

Nate does worry that they are being too obvious; too giggly, too flirty but they are trying to be careful in front of the cameras.

Besides, it would be nothing incriminating, just good friends. Good friends who can't act and who seem to like each other an awful lot.

They try another take.

Sid laughs at Nate's face.

They have to go again.

X

"You know, we bang on the regular and I love you or whatever but this? This may be the gayest thing we have ever done." Nate flips his shirt collar up and pulls on his navy suit jacket.

Sid pads out of the bathroom from his shower completely naked and towels off his hair. "I don't think this is that gay." he says flippantly. 

"It's a wedding, Sid." 

"I know Nathan" Sid mocks back with a crooked grin. 

Nate shakes his head but does up his cufflinks with a smile. Sid's (second?) cousin is getting married and obviously he has to go, but he requested (demanded) that Nate comes with him as his date. It's obvious and suspicious as hell but Nate had been genuinely kind of touched that Sid asked. There was no way he could turn it down.

Sid starts to dress and Nate's breath stutters out of him. 

Sid glances back and him and shakes his head, exasperated. "Nate. Seriously."

Nate takes a deep breath and counts to 5 staring at the ceiling, willing his semi back down. They spent all morning together and already had sex, but Sid in a suit is never not going to get Nate going.

Sid snorts and lets Nate calm himself down, pulling on his custom-made navy pants. It's when he's reaching for his jacket that Nate gets it.

"Wait, no Sid - we aren't going to match are we?"

Sid blinks innocently up at him, 'Well, yeah. I mean, you're my date."

Nate laughs at how confused he looks. "Sid, we can't match. That is definitely gay."

Sid pulls the jacket on and huffs, "But I just got it dry cleaned."

Nate raises an eyebrow, "You see what I am saying?"

Sid plucks at his own jacket and Nate can see him start to pout like the grown 27 year old man he is. "But I look good in navy."

Nate massages his fingers into his eyelids. "Sid..."

"And you look good in navy!" Sid counters. "Why would we not?"

Nate gives up with a laugh and kisses the indignation off of Sid's face. 

"You look good in anything, sweetheart." Sid smiles at the compliment. He does look so good it's almost unfair. Nate isn't going to win this. He smoothes his hands over Sid's shoulders.

He shakes his head with a smile. "Fine."

"Let's do this."

X

The wedding is fun, pretty casual and small. There are a few hockey fans that are not a part of the family there and they are starstruck by Sid. The bride seems to take this in stride, evidently used to her (second? Nate's not sure) cousin stealing the spotlight.

A pretty brunette tries to strike up a conversation or two with Sid, eying him appreciatively and saunters up to them at the cocktail hour. Nate just raises an eyebrow and watches Sid flounder his way through the conversation.

"Ah. Well, no - we are single. But uh. He's." Sid slaps Nate's thigh overly loud, overly aggressive, "My date. You know." 

The girl doesn't look convinced and flicks her eyes between the two of them.

"You take all your friends to weddings?" she asks.

'Friends'. Nate snorts.

Sid shots him a death glare and Nate just smiles serenely back at him. 

"I mean, he's pretty great. Good wedding guest." Sid is digging himself a deeper hole and Nate is loving every second of it.

"Uh-huh. If you're both single, how about I give you my number and you can take a real date next time?"

Oh she's good. Nate raises his eyebrows, quietly impressed.

Sid looks desperately over at Nate and Nate shrugs. 

"Uh, I mean - I'd better not. But thanks. I'll stick with him." Sid slaps his thigh hard again and Nate swats him away.

The girl nods and shrugs. "Was worth a shot." 

"Have a good night!" Sid calls weakly at her back as she leaves their table.

Nate explodes in laughter. "You are hopeless."

Sid shoots back the whiskey left in his glass and pokes at Nate. "Well you were no help, asshole!"

Nate grins and leans close. "What would you have liked me to say?"

Sid knows where he's going with this and arousal coupled with a fair amount of bemused annoyance sparks in his eyes. He leans back, away from Nate, and huffs. "Shut up."

Nate laughs. 

X

Nate watches the groom twirl around his new wife on the dance floor under the sparkling lights. Sid, who was chatting with one of his aunts, says goodbye to her and turns back towards Nate.

Nate isn't sure what his face looks like watching the couple dance but it is apparently enough to make Sid gently take his hand under the table cloth. 

Nate blinks hard and squeezes Sid's hand.

X

Sid sprays Nate right in the face and laughs like the asshole he is.

Nate spits out the water and makes a grab for Sid's water gun. The 7-year-old with them makes a frankly terrifying war cry and goes after Sid as well, trying to get payback for Sid drenching him earlier.

Sid tucks tail and runs, laughing and shooting the 7-year-old in the face as he goes. Because he's an asshole. 

Nate and Bryan Carroll, the 7-year-old war criminal, chase Sid through the Carroll's small yard in Dartmouth. Nate doesn't have a water gun, but Bryan does and Nate uses him as a human shield against Sid's attacks. The other Carroll children are also screaming and trying to flee from Sid, darting all over the yard and trying to get pot shots on him.

Sid is laughing his genuine breathless laugh and nearly trips over a lawn chair. The kids see it as the opportunity it is and attack. Sid tries to fend them off but it's hopeless. Sid tumbles into the grass and fetal positions as the kids descend on him. They absolutely soak him. Bryan raises the gun above his head and screams in triumph. 

Bryan Carroll has an aggressive form of leukemia. His family made a request for Sid to come visit and Sid couldn't turn it down. Naturally, Sid made Nate come too. They've been here for close to 90 minutes.

Bryan's mom starts to scold the kids and she tries to help Sid, who is pinned, soaked, in the grass. She's laughing but gestures at Sid to Nate, "Aren't you going to help him?"

Nate laughs. "Nope."

The kids run out of water in their guns and Sid finally is able to stand. They all scream and run away, knowing that Sid is going to be out for blood. Nate laughs and can feel his heart beat painfully hard in his chest.

Sid would be a great dad.

Nate wonders if Kathy and him will ever try for kids one day. The thought is so painful that Nate nearly gasps, shoving it away. 

Breathe. 

Day by day.

Sid places his water gun on the picnic table and hold up his hands. "Truce! I yield!"

Bryan cackles and screams, "Never!"

Bryan's mom has to go over and take the water gun away from him. Sid comes up to Nate grinning, soaking wet and adjusts his baseball cap on his head. His eyes are bright and warm.

Nate aches.

Day by day.

X

The hockey school runs like a well oiled machine but there was always going to be a handful of things that inevitably go wrong. The flights for some of the kids are delayed getting into Halifax and there are two versions of the schedule that mistakenly go out. Taylor tears around the rink and adjusts everyone's schedules before anyone notices and then it's time to welcome the kids.

There are several cohorts, based on age. The littles are hopeless, enthusiastic but can barely skate. The 6 - 8 year olds are a bit better, but some 8 year old boys think that they are much better than they are and it makes Nate chuckle. The older kids are pretty decent, Nate has the most fun with them. The understand the drills and have an edge of competitiveness that Nate weaponizes against Sid's team. 

"We have to win." Sid tells his group and Nate smirks. His team has beaten Sid's on the relay every time so far and Sid can't stand it. 

Nate can feel his eyes on him and out of sight from the cameras or kids, he winks. Sid grits his teeth and shakes his head, fighting a smile. 

There is a film crew here to do a small feature on Sid about his life at home in Cole Harbour. Sid had been antsy about this, he hates sharing anything personal about his life, but then the hockey school started and he was consumed by 60 plus children needing his attention. They already filmed a segment at Sid's house and a bit of their training at their gym in Halifax with Andy. 

On the third day of filming, a producer had blinked when Nate had rounded the corner in the tunnels in his skates and his hockey school garb.

"You're here a lot." he remarks.

Nate shrugs. "Yep. Every day."

The producer looks him up and down. "And you train with Sidney every day too?"

Nate nods, "Yeah, every second day or so." Nate doesn't like where this is going.

He nods slowly, still looking at Nate. Nate tries to tamp down his ire. "And you live next to him." he rhetorically asks.

Nate cracks his neck - maybe a bit threatening, sue him - and smiles humourlessly. "Sure do."

The guy nods again and flicks his eyes up and down Nate's body. Nate tries not to growl. "You spend a lot of time together. Why did you want to volunteer for this too?"

Nate huffs, "Like Sid would have given me a choice." That sounds bad. He amends, "He is always giving back to the community. I want to help him do that." He waves a hand at the rink. "This is fun. Easy. It means a lot to him and I enjoy it."

The producer just nods again at the end of Nate's tangent. 

"Right."

Nate neatly steps past him, making sure to look down at him as he looms over in his skates. The guy jerks backwards and avoids eye contact. Good.

Asshole.

X

Nate pants in Sid's arms and tries to come back to himself. It's early; the morning sun slants across Nate's bedroom and the birds sing outside, greeting the day with exuberance. 

Sid cards a hand through Nate's hair and Nate smiles. They are sore from training the previous day but Nate had wanted to wake up like this. Morning sex is their favourite. They are usually too tired at the end of the day anyway and it serves as a warm reminder for Nate throughout the rest of the day.

He kisses Sid's sweaty chest. "Happy birthday sweetheart."

Sid runs a hand down Nate's back and hugs him to his chest. "Thank you, Nate."

Nate takes a deep breath. "God you're old." 

Sid pinches Nate's bare ass. 

Nate yells and rolls off of him. Sid is looking at him warmly but something...sad, almost, flashes across his face. Nate knows that Sid doesn't like his birthday, he found that out last year. It reminds him that every year he gets closer and closer to not being able to play anymore. It's ridiculous and stupid considering Sid is one of the best ever and could keep playing until he was 50 and Nate had told Sid this, but Nate secretly gets it.

One day Sid is going to retire.

It's a terrifying thought.

Nate slides a hand over Sid's jaw, apologizing without words.

Sid kisses his palm and buries his face into Nate's hand. Forgiven. Forgotten. 

"C'mon. We have the school groups today." Nate grins. 

Sid groans.

X

A bunch of Penguins and fellow NHL friends join them for their last hockey school day.  Some of the local kids were invited to come with their classes and watch them practice. They sing 'Happy Birthday' to Sid about 18 times.

Nate just laughs along with the guys as Sid waves at them, thanking them again for the millionth time. 

The hockey school technically wraps up today and a few kids have already gone home. It was a huge success and Sid was repeatedly thanked, hugged, hand shaken and back slapped by parents, kids, volunteers, coaches and pure strangers on the street. Sid, without fail, would blush and look uncomfortable with the physical affection but would be polite and gracious. 

The film crew is still here and will pack up and leave tomorrow after they film this evening. Throughout the week they filmed more from the hockey school, a bit of scenery around Cole Harbour and a school visit/interview that Sid and Nate attended at a local elementary school with the hockey camp kids there. At first people are confused why Sid was talking like Nate was going to go on stage with him. There was a lot of blustering - they only had one mic for them - and Sid had politely but firmly stated that he wouldn't do this without Nate. Nate had blushed and shot alarmed looks at Sid - he was being so obvious - but then it was time to go. No one wanted to argue with Sid anyways, he's the whole crux of the hockey school. Nate tried not to smirk smugly at the lady who was kicking up the fuss as they walked by, Sid following behind him. Gord Miller from TSN is the one who interviews them on stage for the kids and it ends up being a lot of fun. Sid had specifically asked for Gord because he's such a meatball that the kids would love him. He's funny and good-natured and Sid and him have a long rapport working together. The questions were all for Sid but Sid stubbornly roped Nate into every single one. Gord rolled with the change easily and actually seemed thrilled that Nate was there because Nate was able to make Sid laugh a few times. Gord would ham it up and just shake his head at them, feigning exasperation for the kids. 

Tonight, Sid has rented a paddlewheel to take them out on the bay to thank the volunteers for all their help. 

It's a perfect summer night and the boat is packed with their family and friends. The MacKinnons are invited even though they didn't help with the school and Nate knows Sid did it for him. Sid bends to give Nate's mom a hug when he sees her and Nate almost has to sit down, overwhelmed.

They get photographed together a lot throughout the night and Nate privately asks one of the photographers after if they can send him a copy of their photo. They drink and watch the water and Nate is reminded of The Disciple with a pang of nostalgia.

Sid has to be social and thank everyone personally so Nate lets him do his thing, chatting with Sid's old coaches and getting dirt on him. A few stories make him laugh and a few pull on his heart. Even though Sid is 28 today, he is still young in many ways. Wise beyond his years, but still Sid, a kid from a small town who loves hockey more than anything in this world. 

He's finishing up his fourth gin and tonic, leaning up on the deck rail and watching the lighthouse sweep the bay when someone comes up beside him. He doesn't have to look - he knows it's Sid by the sound of his footsteps, by the air between them. He smiles. 

"Hey sweetheart."

Sid bumps into Nate's side and lingers for a half second too long. Sid is recharging, taking refuge in Nate's space. It's a lot of socializing for him, a lot of touching and he's probably exhausted. 

Nate bumps him back and murmurs low, "Proud of you."

Sid smiles and raises his glass. Nate snorts but obliges. "Cheers."

Sid clinks their glasses together and the lighthouse catches Sid's face, highlighting his expressive eyes and tired smile. Nate searches his face and realizes that he's a bit non-verbal right now. More tired than stressed, thankfully, but unable to string words together. Nate doesn't mind. Sid and him understand each other anyways.

Nate wants to wrap him in his arms, push all the cameras away and take him home but this is important. They need to do this right. Sid worked so hard for this.

Taylor spots them and ducks around some people to make her way over to them.

"Hey we are about to dock, thought you might want to say goodbye." she asks Sid.

Sid nods and looks down at the ground, taking a breath. A flash of worry crosses Taylor's face as she assesses Sid.

Nate waits. Sid can do this.

Sid clears his throat and nods. "Yeah," he rasps. "Yeah, sorry. I'm coming." 

Taylor casts a glance at Nate but Nate doesn't look away from Sid's face, ready to jump in if he needs him. She blinks quickly and looks back at Sid, gently tugging his arm pulling him back towards the throng of people. 

Nate watches him go for a minute and turns slowly back towards the lighthouse. He finishes the rest of his drink.

X

The visiting Penguins and many of Sid's hometown friends drag them out to a bar afterwards to celebrate Sid's birthday. Nate is tired, so is Sid, but they go along with it for the sake of their friends.

Nate begs off early, he really is tired, and puts his acting skills to the test. He gives Sid a manly, back-slapping hug and a few gruff "Happy birthday, man"s. Sid watches him do this with amusement but goes along with it. Sid is still quiet, struggling to speak but admittedly a bit better now that he's not as surrounded by people. The guys don't seem to notice anything amiss.

Nate can tell Sid wants to go home too but Sid is a big boy. He can handle this.

Nate texts him as soon as he leaves the bar.

NM: Text me if you want a ride

NM: I'll come get you

He hops in the Neon (he's sober enough to drive since he didn't have a beer at the bar) and goes home.

He's crawling into his empty cold bed when Sid texts.

SC: Can you come back and get me

SC: Sorry

SC: But take my car. You know where the keys are.

Nate sits back up with a groan. Fine. He throws on his pants and a shirt and treks over to Sid's house for the Tahoe.

NM: Is this because you hate my car

SC: Yes

SC: And that POS is so distinguishable people will recognize you

Fair enough.

NM: Who the f says distinguishable over text

SC: Its a great Scrabble word

NM: Sid. No one plays Scrabble anymore

He notices that Taylor's car is parked in Sid's driveway and he almost turns around. The keys for Sid's car are in his house - Taylor will definitely see him. Nate doesn't know why that's a big deal but something about the way she looked at Nate tonight makes him pause.

But Sid needs him. 

He goes in.

Taylor is standing at the kitchen fussing with some media release forms and looks up in surprise at Nate when he walks in.

"Hey!" she smiles brightly, also looking a bit tired. "Why are you up so late?"

Nate rummages in the key holder by the front door and gets the Tahoe's keys. "Just, uh. Going to borrow the Tahoe."

Taylor furrows her brow. "Uh...why?"

Nate sighs. "Cause Sid doesn't want to ride in my car cause he's a princess."

Taylor barks an unattractive but awesome laugh. "You're picking him up?" she asks.

Nate nods. Taylor nods in understanding back at him and looks down at the forms. There is a beat of silence and Nate knows it's coming.

"You're..." Taylor shifts her weight and props a hip against the counter. "You're a very good friend to him Nate."

His fingers tingle with numbness.

Breathe. It's just Taylor.

He shrugs. "Besides my car you mean. Cause Sid will tell you that I am a bad friend on the principle alone that I sometimes make him ride in my car."

Taylor snorts another laugh and shakes her head. "Not what I meant."

Nate flicks the keys in his hands and looks down. "I know what you meant."

Taylor is quiet for a long time. Long enough that Nate looks back up at her. She's reading him, and Nate knows from experience that she's just as clever and just as intuitive as her brother. 

He doesn't stand a chance.

There are days where Nate feels so in love with Sid that he might as well be screaming it at the world. How anyone can't tell, can't read it on his face is baffling to him. It's a miracle that Nate has gotten this far with Taylor and she hasn't said anything.

Her eyes dart over Nate's face. She knows. There is no doubt in Nate's mind that Taylor knows.

"Taylor -"

"Thank you." she cuts him off. 

Nate snaps his mouth shut.

She wipes hurriedly at her eyes and Nate realizes she's crying. Shit. He never knows how to comfort a crying girl.

She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. "He's my big brother." she shrugs, "It's nice to have someone else out there who cares for him just as much as I do." She tilts her head back to the roof to try to stop the tears from escaping. "You make him happy. I've never seen him this happy before."

Nate tries to walk this back, this can't happen, Taylor can't know - "Well Kathy..."

Taylor snorts bitterly. "Nathan, please."

Nate finds he didn't know where he was going with that anyways so he shuts up.

"He told you about his episodes." It's a statement, not a question. Nate nods.

"Yeah, he had a pretty bad one in Europe. Kind of a long story. I uh, stayed with him. Rode it out with him."

Taylor sobs quietly. "Fuck. I've been so blind."

Nate doesn't know what to say to that. His fingers are all the way numb and he still is flicking the keys in his hands. Taylor can't know, Sid will leave him -

"Taylor, listen. You can't say anything." Nate takes a big step forward and basically pleads with her. "Sid isn't..."

What? Queer? He sure as hell isn't complaining when he sucks Nate's dick. Isn't unfaithful to Kathy? Nope, he's that too. Isn't a bad Catholic? Considering that fucking Nate is a one-way-ticket-to-Hell that also isn't applicable. Nate scrambles for something to finish that.

He lies. Partially.

"I uh." he huffs, he's never admitted this out loud to anyone before. Tys just assumed and he told Sid of course but this is different, "I love him. I mean, I'm in love with him or whatever." He is blushing furiously and his numbness has started to turn into tremors. He clenches his fist and breathes. He careens on, sounding a bit manic, "But he doesn't know. He loves Kathy. He doesn't like me, not like that. And he's not, gay or -" he gestures vaguely " - queer."

Taylor watches him lie and Nate tries not to feel guilty. It will be better off for everyone if Taylor didn't know what they do behind closed doors. She takes a long moment and Nate tries not to squirm, tries not to shake. Finally, she narrows her eyes that still glitter with tears. Shit.

His phone starts to ring in his pocket. They both jump.

Nate swipes to answer it without looking, he knows who it is, and Sid starts to speak right away.

"Nate, you okay? Did you find the keys?"

He clears his throat and looks away from Taylor. It's quiet enough in the house that she can hear everything that Sid says. His phone shakes against his ear from his hand.

"Yeah, sorry. Uh, Taylor is here. She's just - " Nate looks down at the paperwork that she was rifling through. "...filing."

Sid is quiet for a moment. "Filing?"

Nate nods, "Yep."

"It's 1:30 am."

Taylor grabs Nate's phone and starts to speak quickly, violently into the phone. "Sidney I am going to sit here on your goddamn couch until you get your drunk ass back from the bar and we can talk about this like fucking adults."

Nate throws his head in his hands.

Sid is flabbergasted, "Tay, I have no idea what you are talking about - "

Taylor hangs up and passes Nate his phone. Her eyes are still wet but she looks angry, actually livid. "Go pick up my brother. And don't lie to me ever again."

She spins on her heel and sits primly on the couch, her arms crossed. 

Nate has no choice but to do as she says.

X

Sid is quiet, panicking, the entire drive back. Nate explained everything immediately, consequences be damned, so at least Sid doesn't walk into a boobie-trap. 

He had looked over at Nate so scared that Nate's heart physically hurt.

As soon as the car is in park, Sid is throwing open the door and storming into his house.

Nate watches him go for a half second but then follows behind.

Taylor is still sitting exactly where Nate left her but she stands when Sid gets through the door.

"Tay, for fuck's sake - "

"Are you two together." Taylor snaps, loudly cutting Sid off.

Here's Sid's chance. He could lie. He could deny everything.

Nate waits for it but he doesn't wait long.

"Yes." Sid snaps.

Nate's heart lurches. He spins to Sid, disbelieving. "Sid -"

"I fucking knew it." Taylor nods. And then she bursts into tears.

Shit. Nate is still reeling from Sid's confession. He feels rubbery, weak with relief. He needs to sit down.

Sid crosses over to her and hugs her. "You're not mad?"

Taylor cries harder. She is beyond speech right now and Nate lowers himself onto a barstool to try to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Sid coaxes her to sit on the couch and she wraps her arms around Sid and just cries and cries.

Nate gets up and gets her a glass of water. He quietly passes it to Sid and he nods gratefully. He's crying too. Nate goes and gets another glass of water for Sid.

When Taylor finally hiccups in enough air to speak she is barely coherent. "He just loves you...so much. And your episodes - you told him..." she is wracked by another sob and Sid strokes her back. "I know, Tay."

"He makes you so - happy Sid."

Sid wipes his eyes and laughs wetly. "I guess."

Nate shoots him a withering look. Sid laughs at his face. Tay cries again.

Sid draws back and looks at her tear stained, snotty face. He kisses her forehead. "You're insane."

She laughs and rubs her nose on her sleeve. "I know. I'm sorry."

She sobers up slightly and looks at them both. "Kathy..."

Nate sighs. Sid needs to handle this.

Sid speaks, haltingly, softly. "She doesn't know. And I'd like to keep it that way."

Taylor furrows her brows like she's in pain. "The world is changing Sid. The League -"

Sid abruptly stands up and starts to pace. "No, Tay. No. No one can know. I can't lose Kathy."

Taylor looks over at Nate who's been watching this with his hands in his pockets. "That is pretty fucked up guys."

Nate snorts and Sid shoots him a glare.

"Tay." Sid is starting to panic. Nate moves to his side. "Tay, please. Please don't tell her. Please don't tell anyone."

Taylor watches Nate sweep a hand down Sid's back. "This is so -"

"We know." Nate says quietly. 

Taylor snaps her mouth shut and nods. Sid's hands are twitching and he's a hair's breadth from full on panic.

Taylor looks at Nate. "And you're just, okay? With this?"

Nate nods, looking down at the carpet. "I am. I'll take any time I can get."

Taylor shakes her head and closes her eyes, breathing in and out.

Sid's hands are still twitching so Nate rubs his back.

"Okay." she whispers. Sid nearly topples onto the coffee table from relief.

"Okay?" he asks.

Taylor nods and rolls her eyes, "I mean it's not okay, but. I won't say anything."

Nate breathes a sigh. "Thank you Taylor."

She looks at them standing together and she shakes her head again. "I've been so goddamn blind. Look at you two."

She starts to cry again.

Sid laughs shakily and pulls her up into a hug. She clings to him and sobs into his shirt. "Be so good to each other or I swear to god..."

She blindly grabs Nate's arm and pulls him into their hug. Nate laughs and wraps his arms around them both.

X

Summer winds down into a late, dry, sunny August.

They golf, Tys comes for a visit, they golf with Tys, and Sid retires the Spin Doctor after Nate absolutely loses his mind on him for using it during a game. Taylor comes over a lot more and seemingly is true to her word. She treats Nate almost like another brother and he goes toe to toe with her on occasion, arguing about hockey, the rules of beer pong and about Julie Andrews ever being hot in her time.

("No, you guys."

"Sid thinks she's hot."

"Well clearly Sid has questionable taste."

"I mean - hey!"

"She has helmet hair!"

"Only in the 'Sound of Music'!"

"......"

"Nate, how the hell do you know that.")

They train with Andy and get as prepared as they can for the season. Sid quietly starts to retreat into Competition Sid with the season fast approaching. He pushes himself as hard as he can and it inspires Nate to do the same. Sid's constant drive to be better, to learn is on full display those last few weeks and Nate wouldn't be surprised if the Penguins make the playoffs again this year with Sid's drive alone. They skate with Marchy, Tys and Jo and it's great. Marchy is a little shit but he's hilarious, Tys can chirp with the best of them and get down low, Sid drives the play, Jo supports and does everything else, and Nate is beside Sid, barreling down the offensive zone in mini games and drills.

They don't take any day for granted, knowing that as soon as they step aboard their respective airplanes to the States, that they won't see each other for months. As the days start to slip away, Nate holds Sid a little tighter, a little longer. As it winds down into the last few days, Sid doesn't let Nate out of his sight. They don't talk about it but they don't really have to. After a summer side by side, the idea of leaving to be hundreds of miles away from each other is unfathomable. 

Nate does the healthy, mature thing and pushes it all down until the last day.

The sun is just starting to go down and they are at Sid’s. Nate is in shorts that are still damp from their swim earlier and eating the delicious steak dinner Sid made them.

Stacks of boxes and duffels are scattered around Sid’s living room ready to go tomorrow morning. Nate is also already packed.

They are quiet.  

He spears a potato with his fork with hands that shake. Sid notices, of course, and takes his hand from across the table. “Nate."

He blinks hard and shakes his head. "I'm okay."

Sid casts him a heavy look, clearly not believing him, but kisses his knuckles anyways. 

Nate breathes. Sid breathes with him, Nate's elbow resting on the table, his knuckles pressed to Sid's forehead. Sid’s eyes are closed.

They don't talk about it. There isn't much to say. 8 - 10 months is just simply a long time. 

The wind chime outside is overly loud in the silence. Sid’s quiet breaths are barely audible. Nate tries to commit every detail of this moment to memory. He's going to need it over the winter.

Nate rubs Sid's forehead with his thumb. The summer sun starts to set.

"I love you." Nate reminds him.

Sid smiles, kissing his palm. "Love you too."

X

Chapter Text

Denver is exactly the same.

Nate touches down in the early afternoon and, just like last year, goes to his condo first.

He putters around, ignoring the hole in his chest, and opens his space back up to be livable again. The other Avalanche check in when they land and they make plans to grab dinner later. Once Nate's condo is clean and he has a load on laundry on, he looks around, desperately searching for something to do. 

His skin itches. He grabs his rink bag and heads to the Pepsi Centre.

There are only a few staff there when he gets in and they greet him warmly asking about his summer. Nate has no idea how to encapsulate the summer of 2015 so he just nods with a smile, "It was good man. Thanks."

Once out on the ice his brain calms down and doesn't feel like it's burning the inside of his skull. He shoots some pucks around, does one of Sid's favourite drills and ends up working harder than he initially planned. Rink and equipment managers come and go but they pay Nate no mind. He coasts over the huge A at centre ice, watching as the paint changes from white, to blue, to burgundy and back. He swallows. The rink echoes his heavy breaths and rises dark, empty and cavernous around him.

He gathers all of his pucks and heads for the showers.

When he gets back to his condo Tys is outside his door. Tys can see he just came back from the rink and he snorts, shaking his head. Nate smiles faintly back and hugs him. Tys doesn't say a word and Nate is grateful.

X

Dinner that night is at the same place they went last year. It's just as hot, just as chaotic and has a few new faces. Mikko Rantanen is obviously there, the Finnish right-winger that Sid and Nate creeped over the summer. He's young, blonde and very Finnish but Nate has never played with a bad Fin so he welcomes him, already chatting strategy. A Swede, Carl Söderberg, is also new to the Avalanche this year but he's 10 years older than Nate besides a friendly introduction, he fits in better with some of the older players. 

Gabe hugs him warmly and kisses the top of his head like a mother hen. Nate pushes him away laughing but he's happy to see him. Matty and Erik ask him about the rest of his trip and Bigras listens in, chipping in now and then with places he's been in Europe.

O'Reilly is gone, as are a bunch of other guys. It's sad but that's the NHL - it is what it is. Nate feels lucky that at least he still has Tys, Erik, Matty and Gabe.

Jarome is quiet and confident, the oldest player on the team by far, and he slaps Nate's back when he sees him. "Nice to see you, Nate. Say hi to Sid for me." Nate had smiled and promised he would.

A few guys stay behind after dinner to get after it, but Nate makes his excuses and goes home. They have practice tomorrow and Nate desperately needs for this season to be better than the last.

He keys into his dark, quiet condo downtown Denver and takes a deep breath. The silence, the darkness and the sterility of the space feels wrong. He showers again for something to do, writes out his meal plan and goes to bed.

Immediately Nate is uncomfortable. He hasn't slept without Sid beside him in months. He is on "his side" of the bed without even realizing it - it was just reflex. He sits up and puts his head in his hands.

This is so unfair. 

He knows he's very privileged to be able to do what he does - he does love hockey, but he just got Sid. They were still figuring all of this out before they had to leave. Hell, Sid told him he loved him less than 12 hours before they had to catch a plane the next morning - today, Nate guesses. It already seems like a dream. He woke up in Sid's arms this morning.

He breathes. 

He remembers last night with the wind chime in the sun and that look in Sid's eyes, telling him he loved him for the first time. He remembers Sid laughing at the look on Nate's face. Sid had shrugged. 

"I still don't really know what love...is, I guess. I'm still figuring this out." He gestured towards his head. "But yeah." He looked back up at Nate and shrugged again, almost apologetically.

Nate had blinked away tears and Sid had laughed again. "You love me."

Sid came around to Nate's side of the table and touched his face, shaking his head almost in surprise, in wonder, like he was just as surprised as Nate was at this revelation. "Yes. I do."

Nate had hugged him around his middle, still seated, and Sid had laughed breathlessly, relieved, unburdened. 

Now Nate is crying in his condo alone in Denver like a child. 

Nate angrily wipes his eyes. He may be a raging homo but he doesn't have to be such a little bitch. 

He clears his thick throat and tries to gain a bit of his dignity back. Nate can't call Sid, it is pretty late and Sid is a few hours ahead of Nate so it's even later for him. Besides, Nate would just likely cry again at the sound of his voice and it wouldn't help.

Nate falls back against his pillows and presses his fingers against his eyelids. He breathes, ignoring the numbness in his fingers and the anvil sized weight on his chest. 

Somehow, he falls asleep.

X

The season opener find them playing the goddamn Wild. Again.

Nate is really starting to get sick of these guys.

Like the Avs, they have a few new faces but fucking Parise is still with them and is still fucking good. The Avalanche come out hot, playing well and scoring 4 goals in the first 2 periods with Jarome, Erik, Gabe and Mitchell. The Wild get one in the second from, of course - Parise, but the Avs are confident and hyped up in between the second and the third, laughing and joking - confident in their early lead.

And then it all goes to shit. 

Parise gets another goal along with Niederreiter and Vanek. Gabe is so frustrated near the end that he nearly smashes his stick, listening to Koivu natter in his ear again about whatever bullshit he spouts. This year, Gabe behaves himself but Nate can tell he's pissed. Gabe finally snaps late in the third and the Wild get the powerplay. Parise, never one to not be an asshole, scores on Gabe's penalty kill and Nate can see Gabe nearly lose it completely in the box.

The Wild end up winning 5 - 4 and gloat more than necessary for the literal start of a season game. On the handshake line, Koivu grips Nate's hand a little to hard and a little too long, his malicious little eyes sparking with curious interest, looking Nate up and down. Nate rips his hand away and glares, moving on quickly. 

Nate slaps Gabe's pads gently with an unspoken "well done for not breaking that weirdos face" gesture skating back to the tunnel but Gabe doesn't tap him back. He's still fuming and likely blames himself for costing them the game. Nate gives him his space.

In the locker room, the guys are a bit shell shocked. From going from 4 -1 to losing 5 - 4 is pretty wild - no pun intended. They pack up quietly, listen to the post-game debriefs and go home. 

It's not a good sign for the rest of the season. 

X

Roy slaps his back as he falls onto the bench, out of breath. Tys bumps his shoulder and shouts over the music, "Nice, Dogg!"

Nate squirts some water into his mouth and wipes some sweat out of his eyes. "One of 16 this year." he answers bitterly. 

Tys snorts. "As always, your optimism is inspiring."

The lines change and Tys hops the boards. Nate shuffles down. 

They are playing the Stars in Denver. Nate just scored his first goal of the season but he grits his teeth when he watches the playback. He almost feels like the hometown crowd shouldn't celebrate the goal, he really does believe that it's likely only going to be one of 20 or so this season. It's almost embarrassing their enthusiasm for him.

The game is rowdy - the Stars are feisty, aggressive. McLeod (of course, Nate had to fight not to roll his eyes) already got in a fight with Roussel. Seguin and Eakin are playing though and Nate had been happy to see them. They didn't say a word to each other on on the ice but mutual nods were exchanged. The Benns, Jaime and Jordie, are flying around but their deadliest forward for the Stars is Eakin, at least in this game. He's already had multiple chances and it's only a matter of time. 

There is an icing call and Nate throws himself onto the ice.

Gabe takes the faceoff and Nate settles in beside Eakin. Eakin bumps his shoulder and Nate bumps him back. The refs don't notice their little tussle and the puck is dropped. Gabe swipes it away to Erik. Nate ducks forward and follows Erik with possession and Gabe takes the run into the Star's zone. Nate follows on the wing, trying to shake Lindell and set up for a tip-in. Erik is pressured back and passes to Gabe, who quickly reads Nate's position and fires the puck just wide of Nate's stick. He overreaches but misses it and Eakin picks it up, sweeping in down into the neutral zone.

Nate grits his teeth - pissed at himself. That's a pretty costly mistake, he just missed a pretty easy chance that they likely won't get again.

He sprints hard after Eakin but the damage is done, he has a two on one and the Avalanche's defense still isn't the strongest. He fires a clean shot over Berra's shoulder and the horn blasts. 

Fuck.

Nate can hear Roy screaming about something but Gabe comes up to him, breathless. "Sorry, Nate. That was a shit pass."

Nate shakes his head, it wasn't Gabe's fault - but they are lining up and going again.

He chews on his mouth guard, agitated - and can't hear Roy over the loud AC/DC song that's being played.

X

"I don't know what you mean, Nate." Sid's voice echoes out of Nate's speakerphone while he's doing his laundry. 

"I just - I don't want another season like last year." Nate huffs throwing his stuff in the dryer. He slams the door and punches the buttons more violently than he should.

"You aren't? You're playing well - better than me well." Sid argues. 

Nate shakes his head picking up his phone and taking Sid with him into the living room. "That's not true."

"Yes it fucking is. You should hear what people are saying." Sid mutters.

Nate stops. "What are they saying Sid?"

Sid sighs over the phone. "Nate - "

"What are they saying."

"Don't." Sid says quietly.

Nate sits on his couch. "Don't what?"

"Don't try to, I don't know, fix this for me. Rush to my defense. You're not my babysitter - I'm 8 years older than you." Sid is pacing, Nate can hear it.

"What are they saying Sid?"

There is a long pause and Nate can hear Sid sigh. "I'm not scoring. I'm barely making plays. Geno actually told me to 'get my shit together' the other night."

Anger flares up Nate's spine. "That's fucking bullshit, Sid - "

"Don't, Nate!" Sid snaps.

Nate pulls on his hair in frustration but does as Sid asks. They take a breath.

"I'm not playing the way I should and I know it. I need to fix it. That's all anyone can do." Sid speaks softly into the receiver and Nate tries to calm down. 

Nate hates himself but he has to ask, "This doesn't...have anything to do with me does it?"

Sid sighs long and hard. "No, I don't know. My head just - isn't in the right space for hockey I guess. If that has something to do with you or not."

Nate closes his eyes and fights the hurt back. "If you need me to lay off -"

"No." Sid whispers. "No, I don't want that."

Nate tries not to sigh in relief. "Okay."

"I meant what I said about relationships. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. My head...I'm kind of fucked up." Sid starts to pace again and Nate desperately wishes he was there. 

"You're not Sid." Nate's hands twitch, wanting to reach through the phone and touch him.

"I started seeing a psychologist again." Sid confesses and Nate's heart aches. He's hurting Sid, he's hurting the person he loves.

"I'm doing this to you. Fuck -"

"No! No, Nate, you're not. I've been like this since I was a kid."

Nate pinches the bridge of his crooked nose and tries not to panic. 

"My psychologist told me to uh, look up asexuality." Sid practically whispers.

Nate furrows his brows. "What is that?"

Sid takes a deep breath. "Apparently people who don't feel. Uh, attraction. Sexual or romantic."

Nate shakes his head, confused. "But you told me before you don't have that problem with me."

Sid sounds shaky, ashamed but he agrees, "Yeah, there are different...umbrellas I guess. I like sex with you because I like you. I trust you. There is a subset called demisexual. I think..." his breath hitches, "Nate, I think that's me."

Nate pulls his Notes app up on his phone and types the word in. He'll look it up later.

"Sid, I mean - tell me to fuck off if I'm being an ass, but isn't this, I don't know - good?"

Sid sighs.

Nate explains, "Like maybe it's helpful to know?"

Sid is quiet for a long time. Nate waits. He finally breathes out, "I'm broken. It just confirms that I'm fucked up."

"No, sweetheart it doesn't." Nate lets a little anger through. Sid is the furthest thing from broken.

Sid takes a deep breath and Nate wants more than anything to book a one-way flight to Pittsburgh just to see his face, the colour of his eyes.

"The guys in the locker room, what they talk about - I never understood." Sid is pacing again, Nate can tell. "I don't get it, I never have. How they see the world, how they see women. It never bothered me, but I was never able to contribute because I don't feel what they are talking about."

"And then hockey became my entire life and it felt good. Right. I pretend and agree when the guys ask me things, and I can objectively recognize when someone is attractive I guess but I don't...care. Like it doesn't matter at all to me." He makes a frustrated sound, trying to explain. "And then I met Kathy and that just made sense and she doesn't mind my...preferences." Sid nearly gasps finishing his sentence, his brain running too fast for his mouth to keep up.

Nate tries not to feel the hurt at the mention of Perfect Kathy. Day by day.

Sid barrels on, "But then this annoying-ass Rookie First-Overall-Pick came into my life like a tsunami, started following me around and here we fucking are." Sid chokes a weak laugh.

Nate can't help but laugh too. "Yeah, sorry about that. But to be fair, you told me once that you liked how determined I am."

Sid huffs a laugh and hums. "Yeah, I remember."

"I wanted you." Nate shrugs. "I would have burned the world down to do it."

Sid's breath escapes on a gasp. "Nate -"

Nate picks at a spot on his pants. "Sorry, I know I am a lot -"

"That's so fucking hot." Sid laughs, thrilled and maybe even a little aroused. 

Nate smiles, "Yeah?"

Sid laughs breathlessly, "Yes."

Nate laughs and allows a sliver of arousal to make its way to his groin. But he has to set something right.

"Sid, you're not broken. That's fucking ridiculous. This?" He waves his hands around his empty condo like a lunatic - Sid can't even see him - "doesn't change anything for me." He thinks for a second and then adds, "If anything, it makes my life easier. I can understand you better."

Nate can hear Sid smile.

"And I'm proud of you for going to get help. I should fucking too. Lord only knows I need it." He picks at his thumbnail, remembering their conversation in Florida. He should look into it. Under "Demisexual" in his Notes app, Nate writes "Therapy".

Sid quietly breathes, "Thank you." 

"And you're going to win the goddamn Cup this year, mark my fucking words." Nate slaps the coffee table in conviction. "Tell Geno to fuck off and learn English already."

Sid barks a laugh and Nate smiles. 

"I love you, I'm proud of you. You're going to be just fine." Nate finishes softly.

"Love you too." Sid responds easily.

Nate lets the warmth, the happiness of those words wrap around him. What a privilege it is to love Sid - Nate still can't believe his luck.

Sid speaks again in a low hopeful voice, "11 more days."

Nate nods, "11 more."

It's November 8th. The Avalanche are home for a few days before they head out on the mother of all road trips with games in 7 different cities in 2 weeks. One of those cities is Pittsburgh. 

The season is flying by, it always seems to. The Avalanche aren't playing well, but Nate is decent - better than last year for sure. His rage and his anxiety is much better, but it does creep up on him after a bad loss or when he misses a shot. He likes to think that he's "cured" but he's lying to himself about that and he knows it. If he was playing as bad as he did last year, he would be just as much of a wreck. 

Sid and Nate talk on the phone at least every three days or so and text each other daily. Nate, as always, tries to keep up with the Penguins but it's hard. From what he's seen, Sid has been playing fine. Everyone else can fuck off. Nate would like to see the chubby old white men who comment on Sid's lack of scoring get out there and do better. 

Nate's dryer beeps and he gets up, taking Sid with him.

"What did you eat in Calgary last night?" Nate asks.

Sid cuts him off, "Do you want to place a bet?"

Nate digs his sheets out of the dryer and curses when they get all tangled and are half damp because they are in a huge clump.

"Nate?"

"Uh, sorry Sid, my laundry is all fucked - one sec."

"Did you throw it all in one?"

Nate pauses, "Um...no?"

Sid snorts. "Liar."

"I don't have time for that shit Sid! You know I don't have your patience."

"Do you want to place a bet?" Sid repeats, ignoring Nate's excuses.

"On the 19th?"

"Yeah." 

Nate pauses. He feels like he's walking into a trap. "Uh, sure?"

There is a rustle of clothing over the line and Nate huffs a laugh, "Sid, what -?"

"I am taking off my shirt."

Immediately Nate knows where this is going and he forgets his laundry. They haven't done this yet - phone sex always seemed a bit weird for Nate. He likes to touch Sid, to feel him. The removal of the physicality just sounds strange, but his dick clearly hasn't gotten the memo. He palms himself and listens carefully.

"Go to your room?" Sid asks, unsure.

"Yep, yes. Can do." Nate leaps over his laundry and hurtles himself into his bedroom. Sid laughs at Nate's eagerness but it seems to boost a bit of his confidence. His next request isn't a question. "Take off your shirt, lay down."

Nate pulls his shirt off over his head (it's Sid's, Nate has no idea how he got it) and settles against the headboard. "Okay."

Sid takes a breath. "Do you still have a tan line where your shorts were?"

Nate thumbs the waistband of his pants and runs his hands under the fabric against his skin. There is a bit of a line, but it's fading back to his normal pasty skin quickly. "Yes, but it's almost gone."

There is more fabric sounds as Sid settles on his own bed. Sid hums. "You're touching it? Following the line?"

Nate breathes, "Yes."

"Good." Sid whispers. It's maybe a bit worrying how the simple praise skyrockets Nate's arousal and makes him dizzy. "Take off your pants."

Nate puts the phone on his nightstand and pulls his black sweatpants off, kicking his feet to be free of the bottom cuffs. His cock is standing up, ready and very interested in what Sid would like to wager. As Nate watches, a damp spot grows on his briefs at the head. He swipes a finger through it. "Don't touch yourself yet." Sid gasps.

Nate's dick gives a violent twitch, "...Are you?"

"Yes."

Heat slaps Nate across the face and he groans. "Sid, fuck. Please."

"My terms - ah. My terms for the bet are, you are not allowed to come until I make you. In person."

Nate laughs, "That's not a bet, that's just psychological warfare."

Sid continues, too far gone to negotiate with Nate, "If the Penguins win," he gasps again and Nate whimpers - "If we win, you can't come again until I see you again in December."

Nate nearly cries. Fuck, the Avs are not playing well enough for this -

"Sid, sweetheart that's like a month!"

Sid is panting into the phone, he's making the sounds that he makes when he's close. "Touch yourself. Quick, hard, like you like."

Nate does exactly as he asks, "Fuck." he whimpers. His hand flies over his dick under his briefs. All previous inhibitions about phone sex are quickly thrown out the window - Nate can picture Sid clear as day. Flushed, hard, jacking himself furiously making outrageous bets while he is seconds away from orgasm. The damp spot on Nate's underwear grows but he keeps his briefs on. He starts to move his hips, trying to work his dick into his hand as he twists his hand around himself. He groans.

Sid gasps, "Okay, stop. Stop. Stop touching yourself."

Nate whips his hand away, an automatic response to an order from Sid, but he moans. "Sid, please."

"Did you stop?"

Nate nods and twitches his hips up, trying to get friction on his cock from his underwear. "Yes."

Sid makes a high pitched, proud sound. "You're so good, Nate. Fuck..."

The praise spikes Nate's arousal even more and he arches his back with a gasp. "Sid..."

Sid is breathing his name and praise and Nate is drowning, near blind and very close to coming untouched. He has it barely together enough to ask, "And if we win?"

"I want you to fuck me."

That's it - lights out, Nate is coming whether Sid likes it or not.

Nate practically yells, and curls his body up tense like a spring. His briefs catch it all but it ends up being a mess anyways. Lights burst behind his eyes and his skin twitches against the sheets, overstimulated. He gasps and untenses as he comes down, blinking hard and listens as Sid falls apart.

"You came - ah, Nate - fuck. You came untouched?"

Nate nods, his heartbeat still hammering in his ears. "Yeah."

Sid moans, panting still and curses, "Fuck Nate. You're so -" he groans and makes a high pitched sound. "You're so responsive - you're perfect. Fuck, I'm coming too...I'm -"

Nate rolls over and pulls his phone to him, close as he can. Sid cries out and Nate can see his face, can almost feel his skin. He closes his eyes and it's nearly perfect.

Sid comes down, breathing just as hard as Nate. Nate gives him a moment to recover and smiles up at the ceiling. Eventually Sid laughs breathlessly over the speaker.

"So I take it you agree with my terms?"

Nate chuckles too, a bit embarrassed but thinks over the bet. "Sid - fuck. Yes. If that's okay."

Sid hums. "I've thought about it a lot. I want to try it."

Nate kicks off his soiled briefs - good thing it's laundry day - and settles back more comfortably on the bed. He needs to ask but fears the answer, "Sid?"

Sid hums.

"Doesn't...uh. Doesn't the Catholic Church see that as, well. Bad? A sin?"

Sid sighs. "Yes."

Nate doesn't know how to word this so he just jumps in. "So. You're okay with that?"

Sid is quiet for a moment, thinking on how to answer him. "I do want to try it. I'm going to Hell anyways, right? Might as well enjoy the ride."

It's not the words that ring alarm bells in Nate's head, it's Sid's tone of voice. He sounds resigned, tired. Bitter.

"Sid - "

"Nate, I love you. I love a man. I sin every single day. I'm unfaithful, I lie." Sid takes a shuddering breath. "I'm going to Hell. It's okay."

Nate's anger snaps back full force. "Fuck that, Sid." he snarls.

"Nate - "

"No! You're not going to fucking Hell because you like dick. That's stupid."

Sid laughs weakly. "There are many people who would disagree with you there babe."

Nate is almost speechless in his anger. Fuck anyone and everyone who ever told this wonderful human being that he is somehow broken for who he is. For needing trust and safety from a partner before he can fall in love. For loving Nate even though the world tells him he shouldn't.

Nate curls in on himself and nearly pulls out a fistful of hair in frustration.

The thought of Sid's wager now makes Nate feel sick. Even the tacky leftover come on his dick makes him ill. He sits up and moves to the edge of the bed.

"I don't know religion enough to argue this with you." Nate admits angrily.

Sid laughs. "Nate, it's okay. Truly."

"No Sid, it's not. But can you do me a favour?"

"Yeah?"

Nate closes his eyes. "Talk about that with the psychologist. Please."

"I don't want to bother her with - "

"Sid." Nate cuts him off. "Please."

Sid is quiet for a long moment, probably reading in Nate's voice that he means it. "Okay. I will."

Nate breathes out a shaky sigh. "Thank you."

They both take a moment and Nate wipes his eyes. 

After a few moments of listening to each other breathe, Nate softy asks, "Can I change the bet?"

"Yes."

"If we win, you have to take me to that 4 Michelin Star restaurant that Rusty and Flower were talking about."

Nate can almost hear Sid smile.

"And no half-assing any of it. I want flowers. I want you in that black suit. Hold open my door for me. Everything."

"A date." Sid says quietly.

Oh shit. Right. They can't do that.

Nate's stomach drops. The media would have a field day.

"I mean...uh."

Sid snorts a laugh. "You old romantic, you."

"Fuck of." Nate huffs.

Sid's laughter dies out and Nate can picture it. A real date, like the one they had in Paris. It sits in his throat like a shard of glass. 

"Never mind. We can't - if people..." Nate shakes his head at his own naivety and wishes he never said anything at all. 

Sid is quiet on the other end and Nate releases a long breath.

"Sorry." he whispers. 

Sid answers just as softly, "I'm sorry too."

Nate slides off the edge of his bed and sits heavily on the floor. He has no idea what to say.

Sid tentatively speaks, "If the Avalanche win, I'll take you and Tys out for dinner. That 4 star restaurant. I'll buy the whole night and Tys can gloat until he is blue in the face." Sid takes a shaky breath. "I'll wear that black suit if you wear that navy one."

Bittersweet warmth blooms in Nate's chest. "That sounds good to me." 

"I'll hold the door for both of you. Tys will be thrilled." 

Nate can feel a smile crack his face. "He's going to be insufferable."

Sid laughs, "Oh I know."

Nate allows his smile to grow. It's not perfect but it's good. He will take whatever he can get. "That sounds perfect." he lies.

"Okay. Let's do it." Sid is smiling and that's good enough for Nate.

"Just so you know, my end of the bargain is pretty gnarly. If we don't win I am going to be so mad at you -"

Sid starts to honk that stupid laugh and the last bit of tension leaves. Nate grins, wanting to hear more of Sid's laugh. "I am going to be like, spring-loaded. You could just look at me and I'll be done."

Sid laughs overly loud, genuinely, "'Spring loaded?'"

"Yeah!" Nate feints a protest, laughing along.

"Well then, you better win!" Sid chirps brightly.

Nate groans but he's still smiling. "So my time starts now?"

"Yep." Sid pops the p on the word.

"11 more days."

"Only 11 more."

X

They are in Toronto facing the Leafs. It's not going well.

It's the third period and Parenteau just scored on the Powerplay, making it 4 - 1.

The game is dirty - lots of penalties in the third so far and Nate can only imagine there will be more. Tensions are running high and the Toronto fan-base is honestly a bit rabid, slamming their hands on the glass behind the Ave's bench and harassing their players. Nate grits his teeth and ignores them.

Nate is tense, but trying. In their game against Montreal a few days ago, he scored two goals and an assist. Tys and Gabe started feeding him pucks thereafter trying to get him a hat-trick but it didn't work. They still slaughtered the Canadiens 6 - 1 and Nate was starting to get cautiously optimistic about the rest of his own personal season. The Avalanche have been playing pretty well on this road trip but it looks like this game is going to put an end to that. 

Tomorrow morning they fly to Pittsburgh. 

Nate has kept up his end of the bargain with Sid and he's so pent up he could scream. It would be funny if it wasn't so goddamn uncomfortable. Sid has been teasing him, sending him photos, not risque really, just him shirtless or sweaty from practice and Nate one time had to throw his phone away from himself and take a walk. Sid had been worried at first that Nate was somehow uncomfortable with the images but Nate blushingly had to confess that it got him hotter than he'd care to admit. Of course, this delighted Sid and he laughed about it like the asshole he is. On the road though, from hotel to hotel it was difficult to get a moment of privacy anyways. Nate was sharing a room with Tys and the only "alone time" they had was showering. Tys is a light sleeper and even though he knows about Nate and Sid that is one conversation that Nate does not want to have with him.

Memories from their time in LA will come to Nate unbidden and he has to breathe to calm himself back down. Ashamedly, Sid's voice telling Nate to fuck him over the phone is a highlight, despite the following conversation they had. Nate pictures it sometimes, late at night, and has to grip himself hard to cut off the blood flow to his dick. It's torture. 

Nate shifts on the bench to try to alleviate some pressure around his cup in front of 15,000 fans at the Air Canada Centre. He snorts a bit of a laugh. If only they knew why Nate's equipment is digging in to his skin right now. If they only knew that the legendary Sidney Crosby is the same man that owns Nate's ass so completely that he's getting hard just thinking about his skin, the taste of his come. 

Nope, nope. Hockey. Here to play hockey.

He takes a deep breath and focuses. The lines change and Nate takes off. He skates over to the Avs's zone for the faceoff and tries desperately hard not to picture Sid across from him. 

X

Roy is screaming at someone and Nate hesitates. They are all coming off the ice, tired, defeated and Gabe (in a suit, he was a scratch tonight) in front of Nate stiffens, hearing Roy yelling. 

Nate looks at him curiously but Gabe only quickens his pace and veers off to where the management are. Nate, for some reason - curiosity, moral support - follows Gabe. 

John one of the Avalanche trainers, Roy and Berra are standing in an empty media room and Pickard is trying to tug Berra away from Roy's red face. Berra, cocky as any goaltender has to be, isn't standing down.

" - fucking unacceptable, Berra." 

"Like the defense gave me much of a chance there!" 

"You with your fucking excuses. Jesus Christ Berra. Tonight was your fault."

Nate hovers uncertainly behind Gabe but he privately agrees with Roy. Berra had an off night. It happens, but it is what it is.

Pickard is still trying to diffuse, pulling on Berra's arm. John, one of their trainers is just shaking his head but seems at a loss of what to do. Roy spots Gabe standing in the door and snaps, "Fuck off, Landeskog."

Gabe narrows his eyes and doesn't even blink. "Berra had a bad night Roy. It fucking happens."

Roy rounds on Gabe and Nate tries not to shrink behind him. Either Roy doesn't know Nate is there or he doesn't care. 

"Berra is a waste of money and space on this team and you fucking know it!" Roy practically screams at Gabe and Gabe, to his credit, doesn't even so much as breathe before he's in Roy's face, "No he fucking isn't, he had a bad night. That's all."

Roy makes an almost inhuman sound of frustration and finally spots Nate. His face gets even redder and he zeros in on Nate. Shit.

"MacKinnon. Tired of being First-Overall bust yet?" Roy hisses. Nate flinches.

Gabe steps over, covering Nate and spits back at Roy, "Leave him the fuck alone. He nearly got a hat-trick against Montreal. I'd like to see anyone else on this team fucking do that."

"You included Landeskog?" Roy snaps.

Gabe grits his teeth but speaks quietly, deadly. "Pickard, take Berra. Hit the showers. Nate, go with them."

Roy gets ever redder and opens his mouth to scream but Gabe cuts him off. "Nate! Go!"

Nate tucks tail and practically runs away from the room, Pickard and Berra join him in the hall a few seconds after. Berra is pissed, Pickard is pale. Nate has no idea what to say. He can hear Roy start on a tirade and Gabe closes the door behind them with a soft click. So no one can hear Roy lose his mind. So no one can hear Roy tear into Gabe. 

The three of them walk slowly back to the locker room. 

Nate sits down heavily on his bench and starts to untie his skates. The room is loud, they lost badly but the guys are still able to laugh and joke. Nate feels like a ghost. Tys takes one look at his face and furrows his brows at Nate. "Jesus, Dogg. Who died?" Tys asks.

Nate glances around the room. How many other guys has Roy screamed at? How many times has Gabe gone to bat for them? For Nate? He shakes his head at Tys. "I'll tell you after." he mutters. 

Tys looks at him concerned but nods. 

Patrick Roy is a legend. Full-stop. He invented the Butterfly for fuck's sake. He's driven and competitive which Nate always appreciated about him but this...this is excessive. There is a being a coach, and then there is being a tyrant. Nate knows that he's tougher on his goaltenders than anyone else for obvious reasons, but he wonders again, how many years have their goalies been blamed for bad games? For their loses?

Nate pulls off his jersey and glances at Pickard and Berra. They are quiet, slowly pulling off their goalie equipment and don't join in on the guys stories about a pretty French Canadian waitress that tried to give all five of them her number, even though Nate knows they were there.

He throws his jersey into the laundry pile at the centre of the room.

X

"Spill." Tys demands, a cookie dough DQ Blizzard in hand with two spoons.

Nate eyes the two spoons. "You couldn't have just gotten us two Blizzards?"

Tys hands him a spoon. "You are the most ungrateful son of a bitch - "

Nate laughs and raises his hands, "Okay, okay. Sorry."

Tys picks at the top and quietly admits, "I only had a coupon for one."

Nate snorts but digs in with Tys. They are in their hotel room in Toronto. It's pretty late, but Tys was persistent. 

Nate scoops a big spoonful and twirls it around. "Roy tonight. Uh, went on a rampage. Was cursing out Berra, Gabe had to step in." Nate explains.

Tys is quiet, picking at the ice cream and nods. He doesn't look surprised. 

"You knew?" Nate hisses. "How?"

Tys shrugs, "Of course man. Roy is..." Tys shakes his head but doesn't finish his sentence.

Nate understands with a rush of anger. "He went after you."

Tys shrugs again and sighs. "Yeah. But I deserved it. The thing with Roy is, he's not usually wrong. He just is an absolute shit-hole about it."

Nate tries not to remember the 'First-Overall bust' comment without success and he deflates. Roy was right. Nate just didn't want to hear it. 

Tys picks up on Nate's silence and flicks his spoon. "What did he say to you?"

Nate shakes his head, deflecting, lying. "Nothing."

Tys snorts. "God, you're a bad liar. How no one else knows about Sid is a goddamn mystery to me."

Nate pokes at him with his socked foot. Tys flicks his spoon again. "What did he say?"

"He called me a 'First-Overall bust'." Nate spoons some ice cream into his mouth to mask the hurt.

Tys furrows his brows. "You don't fucking believe that do you?"

Nate stares incredulously at him, "You just told me what he says is usually true!"

"Yeah, but that fucking isn't! He shouldn't have said that." Tys stabs at the ice cream aggressively. 

"I don't know man..."

Tys wipes a hand down his face. "Nate, tonight a reporter asked me what it's like to play with you. How you're outscoring Sidney Crosby right now." A snap of anger flares up Nate's spine. He wishes the fucking nosy reporters would leave Sid alone. Tys continues, "What watching you evolve or whatever is like first-hand." Tys shakes his head. "I told her the truth. You're good, man. You're going to be the best in the League one day."

His words eerily echo Sid's from all those years ago when Nate realized he was in love for the first time. Nate didn't believe it then and he doesn't believe it now, but his appreciation for Tys makes him smile.

"You're so soft." Nate grins at him.

Tys sword-fights with his spoon against Nate's for the last bite all while gently but vigorously ribbing him.

"You are such an asshole, why do I hang out with you? 'First-Overall bust' my ass. 'First-Overall dickhead' is more - "

A knock on their door stops Tys's monologue. Nate scoots off the bed and opens the door. Gabe breezes into the room and spotting Tys on the bed, whines. "Tys, you only got one?"

Tys throws up his hands, "I had a coupon!"

Gabe snorts, "You have more money than God, Tys." Tys grumbles but doesn't actually argue back.

Nate stares at Gabe. He looks absolutely fine. Nate can't believe how good of an actor he is. 

Gabe turns to Nate and sighs at the look on his face. "You okay, Nate?"

Nate shakes his head. "How long have you been doing that for me Gabe?"

Gabe sits heavily down on the end of the bed and Nate can finally see a bit of the weariness settle on his shoulders. "I do it for almost everyone." 

Tys crows through a mouthful of ice cream, taking the last bite, "Yeah, Nate! Not everything is about you!" 

Nate spares a second to glare at Tys but then focuses back on Gabe. Gabe shrugs. "He does it to everyone. His bullshit doesn't matter - I can handle him."

"Gabe, that's nuts. He's - "

Gabe cuts him off, "I'm the captain! It's my job!"

Tys pipes in behind Gabe still trying to get every last bit of cream, "I don't think being a meat shield for a raging asshole is in the job description there Gabi."

Gabe shrugs. "It is when you play on the Avalanche."

Nate comes over and sits beside him on the bed, still a bit gobsmacked. 

Gabe nudges him. "You know what he said about you isn't true right?" he asks quietly. Tys's spoon is still scraping away on in the bottom of the cup and he offers, "I tried to tell him Cap."

Nate nods, "I mean, I don't disagree with him, but - " he thinks of Sid waiting patiently for him at centre ice in a rink in LA. "Nowhere to go but up I guess."

Gabe shakes his head and just laughs. "Nate, you have no idea how high you are going to go."

X

Pittsburgh is cold and wet. Sid told him repeatedly that he has to pack a coat, it's miserable here, don't catch a cold etc. etc. and Nate had just laughed and sent him a screenshot of a picture of Sid with the mumps from a few years ago. Sid responded with a frowny face. Nate laughed.

He has to tell Liz again that he won't be returning to the hotel after the game tomorrow and she just waved him off. "Yep, I know Nathan. Have a good time." returning to her phone as usual. Nate tries not to read too much into it. 

They arrive on the 18th with the game scheduled for the 19th. As soon as they touch down Nate feels like a live-wire. He's more aroused than he has any right to be, excited to see Sid, impatient with air travel, still reeling from Gabe and Roy and the combination of all of those things makes him practically bounce in his seat. Tys slaps him lightly across the face and raises an eyebrow at him. Nate purses his lip and nods. He can't even be mad, he knows he's acting insane. They file off the plane and are shuttled discreetly around the airport to the bus to take them to the hotel. Tys and Nate get their room key and shuffle upstairs, Tys chirping him still, out of earshot from the guys and key into their room. Nate's phone buzzes in his pocket not even 5 minutes after their door closes.

SC: What room?

Heat, butterflies and excitement swoop through Nate. He smiles at his phone.

NM: 412

Tys sees him smiling and groans. "Oh my god you two -" Nate throws a shoe at him.

There is a small knock on the door and Nate knows. He can almost feel the air change.

Tys shakes his head at him but he's fighting a smile. He opens the door and without even seeing who it is he sighs, dramatic. "Hi, Sid."

Sid, beautiful, breathless and grinning snorts at Tys. "Hey, Tys."

Nate waits until he steps into the room and the door clicks before he hugs him, lifting him off the ground and breathing in his scent. He smells like Old Spice and the cold air of a hockey rink. Perfect.

Sid laughs breathlessly and lets Nate cling to him. "Hello." he laughs in his ear.

Nate puts him down and takes stock of his face. He's not as tanned, his hair is shorter and he's leaner but his eyes are exactly the same. Sid laughs again and kisses him softly. Instantly, Nate settles deep into his bones. This is where he belongs. Nate can hear Tys make a weak noise of complaint and Nate flips him off, not letting their kiss break for a second. Sid notices this and laughs against his mouth, pulling away with a blush. Nate can't stop looking at him, he slides his hands over his jaw and just drinks in the sight of him. Sid's eyes go soft, and he quirks Nate a crooked smile, leaning up on his toes and kissing Nate again.

It's been 3 months. 

Tys makes a retching sound and Nate releases Sid to throw his other shoe at Tys. Tys jumps away and starts to bitch and Sid laughs again, overjoyed. Nate can't believe he's here; it almost seems like this summer was just a pinning fueled fever dream but looking at Sid now - and noticing the way Sid is looking back at him - Nate is starting to believe it. Sid is his. This is real.

Tys makes a surrender sign and carefully sidles up to Sid, casting Nate comically concerned glances like Nate will punch him like he did to Josi if Tys so much as touches Sid. Nate is a freak but he's not that much of a freak, so he rolls his eyes at Ty's theatrics and allows Tys to hug Sid. Sid claps him on the back and Tys genuinely murmurs to him, "Good to see you man."

Sid smiles his crinkle nose smile and nods, "You too, Tys."

Tys steps back and laughs, "Dude, you should have seen this asshole when we touched down." he gestures at Nate. "I had to slap him."

Sid looks a bit alarmed at Nate and Nate shrugs, "It's true - "

Another knock on their door has them all spin towards it. Nate takes a careful step away from Sid and Nate can see Sid notice this and tense his jaw. He transfers his weight to his other foot and looks down. 

Tys opens the door to Gabe, Erik and Mikko. It takes a half second for them to register that Sid is there but then they all exclaim and pile into the room to hug Sid too. Sid welcomes them warmly, but for the first time Nate notices that Sid is a bit tense. He didn't know Sid well enough last year to notice but now he does - Sid's aversion to touch from people he doesn't really know is on full display, but only to Nate. It's the little things. His avoidance of eye contact, his tense jaw. His hands twitch ever so slightly. Nate wants to step in but he can't. Sid does what he has to do with deep breaths and a smile and then they all stand in a loose circle.

Mikko is staring at Sid a bit starstruck and Nate snorts. Sid smiles kindly at him, "Hey man. Nice work so far this season. Hope they've been treating you well."

Mikko looks from Sid to Nate a bit panicked. "Nathan. That's Sidney Crosby." he speaks slowly in his strong Finish accent.

Nate laughs. "Yep. Sure is." Mikko just nods, confirming that they are all on the same page. He doesn't answer Sid but stares at him nervously.

EJ looks at Sid like an over-eager puppy. "What are you doing here man?" 

Sid plays it off, way better than Nate could. "Just saying hi. Scoping out the competition, you know." 

Gabe laughs, "Oh man. When you got us all figured out, can you lend me your notes? I'm still lost as hell."

Sid laughs again. 

EJ plows on, "We were about to go to dinner, want to join us?"

Nate and Sid had plans back at Sid's apartment that didn't necessarily involve food but Nate isn't sure how to duck out of this without looking suspicious. 

A flash of Sid's clever eyes to Nate's face relays that he's thinking the same thing. Nate nods, imperceptibly. "Uh sure - mind if I invite a few of my guys along too?" 

The guys all nod and agree. Tys shoots Nate a look and he shrugs. Nate at this point almost feels used to the blue balls - what's two or three more hours?  

X

Nate is going to kill them all. Including Sid.

It's close to midnight, Sid has been feeding Nate glasses of wine all night (the guys all looked a bit confused as to why Nate was drinking wine in a bar, but they apparently seem to have shrugged it off as they got drunker), Sid's hand has been creeping up his thigh since 11:00 pm and he's currently tracing the inside seam of Nate's jeans. 

He's so frustrated - so pent up he could scream. Sid smells so good, he looks like a fucking wet dream and Nate hasn't masturbated in almost two weeks. The wine has pooled low in his belly and stoked a fire so hot inside him that he's actually sweating.

Sid is laughing at Geno and Mikko trying to compare Finnish to Russian and Flower is trying to teach Gabe and Erik how to throw a dart. Tys is on Nate and Sid's side of the table and has noticed Sid's wandering hand. At one point, Tys actually patted Nate on the arm in consolation. Nate almost whimpered. Tys doesn't even know Sid and Nate's agreement, he'd likely not even touch Nate if he knew of it in fear of setting Nate off. 

Nate is drunk, horny as hell and cursing the goddamn love of his life beside him for being such a fucking tease that he almost can't see straight.

The bar calls last call and Nate wipes the sweat off of his forehead. Tys shakes his head at him with a small evil smile and goes up to the bar to pay. Sid watches him leave and moves his hand up. Nate gasps and tries to cover it up with a sip of wine. Sid chuckles darkly beside him. 

"Sid." Nate warns.

Sid leans closer to Nate, speaking low, "Yes?"

Nate shakes his head. Sid palms his erection through his pants. Nate's vision goes black, he nearly passes out.

"Sweetheart -" 

Sid flicks open the top button of Nate's jeans and fuck it. Fuck them all. The world could burn right now and Nate would let it.

They are in a booth, relatively hidden. The guys are distracted on the other end of the lengthy table, or shooting darts. They are chatting, showing videos to each other, completely oblivious. The bar is dark, everyone is drunk and Nate can't find in himself to care. Sid leans into his side and Nate hisses at him "I am never going to the bar with you again."

Sid breathes against his ear. "Did you do what I asked?"

Nate knows what he means. He makes a small sound but nods. Sid's breath hitches and he pulls Nate's zipper down. "Good." 

The praise almost makes his eyes water. Sid frees his erection and takes him gently in his fist. Nate nearly cracks his head against the back of the chair and he tries to make it look like he was just trying to stretch. Sid breathes a laugh, "I barely have to touch you right now. I bet you could come just like this."

Nate whimpers, Sid is carefully tracing him, too softly, too gentle. "Sid, touch me fucking - please."

Sid does.

Nate gasps and has to look down, his eyes slamming shut. Sid's hand is too dry, the angle isn't quite right but it still feels like heaven to Nate. His heartbeat thunders in his ears and he is blind to the rest of the bar. Sid's teeth catch on Nate's earlobe and Nate is close, embarrassingly quickly.

"Sid - sweetheart,"

Sid laughs quietly again, "You're that close already?"

Nate nods, gasping. He's going to - he has to -

Sid leans into him and breathes against his ear. "Come."

Nate does.

Sid grabs some bar napkins and catches the majority of it and balls them up, throwing them on the floor. Nate blinks hard and tries to come back down, breathing heavily and fighting the spinning from the wine and the orgasm. 

Sid noses the spot behind his ear and tucks him back in to his pants. He leans back into his own space just in time for Erik to come over and pass Sid one more beer. Sid thanks him and looks over at Nate.

Nate is a mess - sweaty, breathing hard, and the wine still is making fire burn through his veins. Sid, the asshole, laughs at him over the rim of his beer. He asks loud enough for the other guys to hear him, "You okay, Nate?"

Nate tries to catch his breath and glares at him. Sid laughs.

X

Nate stomps into the elevator like a child throwing a tantrum and Sid curses softly behind him.

He waits until Sid is in the elevator and jabs at the buttons angrily. Sid raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment. 

Nate takes a deep breath prepared to be the bigger person about this, but nope, he's speaking, "The bar, Sid? Really?"

Sid smirks and looks ahead, not even looking at Nate. He shrugs.

Nate runs a hand over his face, "What if someone saw?"

"Like the thrill of that doesn't get you riled up too Nate." Sid counters.

Nate grumbles but does admit it's true.

"Besides, I would never risk it if I didn't think we could get away with it." Sid folds his arms across his chest and continues to look straight ahead. Nate sighs, exasperated. 

"Okay, new ground rule. No more public sex." Nate sweeps his hands in what he hopes is a authoritative way. Sid opens his mouth and Nate bowls over him, "It's too risky! It's hot as hell don't get me fucking wrong, but you can't risk it."

Sid furrows his brows and looks at Nate. "'I can't risk it'? What do you mean?"

The elevator dings and they file out of it, down the hall to Sid's apartment. There is a unspoken understanding that they don't discuss these kinds of things in Sid's hallway in case of eavesdroppers. 

Sid opens the door and Nate stomps into the apartment. Sid closes the door behind them and locks it, flicking on the kitchen island light and nothing else. He kicks off his shoes and waits for Nate to explain. Nate bends over and undoes his shoelaces and hops around like an idiot on one foot trying to untie the laces. 

"Your reputation, sweetheart. You can't risk it." he finally pulls off one shoe and starts on the other.

Sid watches him struggle and shakes his head. "What about your reputation?"

Nate tugs off his other shoe with a triumphant sound and paces into the apartment. "I don't have a reputation as being one of the best in the world, Sid. You do."

Sid still looks confused and Nate rubs his eyelids. "I think you forget who you are sometimes."

Sid comes up to stand toe to toe with Nate. Nate's breath catches, caught in Sid's orbit. "I think you forget who you are sometimes." Sid argues softly. 

Nate quirks a brow, "Who am I then Sid?"

Sid kisses him filthily, all teeth and tongue and Nate grips his hips and slides his hands up the back of Sid's shirt. Sid bites at his lips and licks the roof of his mouth. Nate groans and lifts Sid's shirt right off, annoyed at the fabric being in the way of miles of Sid's warm skin and feeling the arousal from the wine come roaring back. Sid pulls at the hem of Nate's shirt and Nate obliges, pulling it off and over his head. 

Sid suddenly grips his hair - hard. Nate whimpers and lets Sid take control. Sid's eyes flick over Nate's face, his pupils huge, his breathing ragged. "Mine. You're mine." he breathes.

Nate closes his eyes heavily and savours that. He's Sid's. His. 

Nate falls to his knees and mouths Sid's dick through his pants. Sid's fistful of Nate's hair turns into a caress and he leans his elbows back on the counter with a gasp. "Fuck, I missed you so much." Nate nods, speechless, against Sid's thigh. Nate tears open Sid's pants and helps him step out of them. Nate tugs off Sid's socks so he doesn't slip with the way he's leaning and Sid snorts a breathless laugh. "How sexy."

Nate bites his thigh, "Shut up." and kisses the head of Sid's cock. Sid sighs and runs his hands through Nate's hair. Nate drags his nose along the length of him and teases, just so slightly, in vengeance for the bar earlier. Sid laughs, knowing exactly why Nate is being a little shit. Nate smiles at Sid's laugh and swallows him down in one go. 

Sid makes a beautiful sound and arches back against the counter of the island. Nate breathes around Sid's cock and sets to work in making him fall apart. The apartment is full of the pornographic sounds of Nate's mouth full of Sid's dick and the breathless praise that Sid murmurs to him. Sid's toes start to curl and he starts to tug on Nate's hair. He's close, Nate can tell.

"Nate - ah, Nate. C'mon, wait -" Sid catches his jaw and pulls Nate off. Nate groans and looks up at Sid's face.

Sid chuckles at the ire in Nate's glare but he tugs on Nate's hands, "Bed. Bedroom. C'mon."

Nate stands and Sid weaves their hands together. They make it to the bed somehow. The Pittsburgh skyline sparkles outside the floor to ceiling windows, the sounds of the city miles away. Sid falls backwards onto his back and Nate follows him, shucking off his pants and briefs as he goes. Sid gropes blindly at the nightstand and gasps, "Lube, it's in the drawer." Nate kisses him heatedly and rummages through the drawer, coming up successfully with the tube. 

Nate squirts some on his hands and take's Sid's cock in hand. 

"Cold, ah fuck that's cold!" Sid laughs and squirms and Nate laughs too. "Sorry, sorry." he kisses Sid's sternum in apology. 

He kisses Sid's slack mouth and watches as every move he makes with his hands seems to make Sid lose it more and more. It's addicting to witness. Sid is so beautiful when he's like this, so stupidly lovely that Nate can't stop looking at him. 

Sid doesn't take too long to fall apart. He was already close in the kitchen, this just brought him that much closer. Nate ducks at the last second and wraps his mouth around Sid's tip, working his hands still and sucks hard. Sid comes with a cry and Nate swallows everything, working his hands gently until Sid is too sensitive and whines, taking Nate's hands away.

Nate rests his head on Sid's belly and looks up at him. He traces Sid's sides and lets him catch his breath. Nate is hard, he's been aroused since they came into the apartment basically, but he's in no rush. Sid stares up at the ceiling and Nate can tell he's thinking about something. Nate kisses his hip, "You okay?"

Sid nods, "Yeah. Sorry - yeah I'm good." he cards a hand through Nate's hair again, thumbing Nate's brows. "I'm happy." Sid whispers, almost like a confession. 

Nate strangely feels like he's going to cry, just the simple honesty floors him in a way he didn't expect. He blinks away the sting from his eyes and kisses Sid's hip again. "Good." 

Sid rolls over, onto Nate and kisses him. "I love you." Sid gasps, reaching for the lube and Nate's cock.

An errant tear does manage to escape the corner of Nate's eyes and he laughs, thrilled, so in love he can barely speak. "I love you too."

X

Practice the next morning goes fine and Nate doesn't hear from Sid at all in the hours before the game. They spent all morning together, Sid making them breakfast and wringing two more orgasms out of Nate before they both had to leave, with promises to see each other on the ice. There is a re-agreement of the terms of their bet that they establish still naked in bed and Nate groans but eventually agrees. 

Nate really wants to be taken to dinner and not have to hold off on sex or masturbation until December so he resolves to skate his ass off tonight. 

The media at the rink are all over Nate, asking him questions about Sid and his lack of scoring so far this season. Nate is overwhelmed, a bit pissy, and hyper aware of the fact that just this morning he had Sid's dick in his mouth so he tries to answer them as best as he can.

"Uh, I guess we'll see how it finishes. I'm sure Sid is going to get pretty hot out there," Nate internally scolds himself, not a good word choice - "I mean, I don't really think about it. He's," he shrugs, "Um you know. A buddy of mine. I hope he gets more points than me this year. You know. He deserves it." the reporter who asked the rude question looks ready to follow that up but then someone else jumps in and asks him a question about Mikko. 

Pittsburgh's hometown crowd is loud and Sid's face is everywhere in this place. Nate pulls on his gear and tries not to make eye contact with the many posters and advertisements of Sid on the walls. It's a bit weird.

Sid, as always, on the ice barely looks at Nate. Nate grins to himself as he skates around the pregame warmups and Tys shoots him a strange look. He skates up to Nate and glances at Sid going his MacDonald's logo warmup.

"Did you guys get in a fight?" Tys asks leaning in and talking just barely over the blasting arena music.

Nate laughs, and Tys looks even more confused. "No, he's like that. He ignores me on the ice."

Tys raises an eyebrow. "Let me guess, you love it." Nate grins at him and nods.

Tys sighs and shakes his head. "You guys are so weird." he skates off to finish his warmups.

X

About 5 minutes left in the third Nate goes through the five stages of grief and reaches acceptance around 1:32 left in the third that he is going to be goddamn celibate until December the 9th. The Avalanche are going to lose. Nate is nearly distraught. 

Sid had a beautiful little goal that Nate smugly hopes those asshole reporters have to take notes on. Sid celebrates with his team after the goal and Nate tries not to smile. Even though Nate did skate his ass off and gets an assist, the Penguins as a unit are still so good, they deserved the win tonight. 

Nate doesn't play badly. After a particularly fast run into the Penguin's zone or a pass that threads two different defenseman, Nate can feel Sid's eyes flick to him. Nate tries not to preen. Otherwise, they completely ignore each other and it's great. The only problem is that they know each other's play style so well now that Sid knows where Nate is going to try to fake, so Nate finds himself trying new things, trying to outsmart the one person in the world who knows him better than Nate knows himself.

Roy at times is a bit aggressive, yelling at the refs and making too big of a scene, making Nate actually squirm in embarrassment. Now that Nate has seen that other side of him, he can't unsee it and he wonders how many of the other guys notice it too.

The horn blasts and Nate tries not to despair. He's so fucked. Once again, Nate curses Sid's name.

The media jump on them back at the locker room and Nate answers a million more questions about Sid. Thankfully no one mentions Sid's lack of scoring anymore so Nate feels like he can relax. 

He takes a cab downtown and let's himself into Sid's apartment with an extra key fob Sid gave him. He heats up some pad thai that Sid had in his fridge, eats it while watching highlights from their game, brushes his teeth with Sid's toothbrush (he will never tell him, Sid would have a fit) and settles into bed to wait. He's tired, full and comfortable but he's still surprised when he falls asleep instantly.

He wakes to Sid maneuvering the duvet around them both and climbing into bed beside him. Nate hums, keeping his eyes closed and pulls him to his chest kissing whatever body part is closest to his face. Sid chuckles and traces his crooked nose. "Goodnight Nate. Good game tonight."

Nate hums again and buries his face into Sid's hair. "Goodnight sweetheart. Sorry I'm too tired to get handsy."

Sid barks a laugh and Nate smiles in response. "It's okay. You're going to want to kill me by December 9th but get some sleep."

Nate is already halfway there. "Nice goal tonight."

Sid huffs and settles against Nate's chest. "Thank you."

X

"When you were here, did you use my toothbrush?"

"......"

"Nate."

"No?"

"Oh, you little. My - fucking, Nate!"

"I have had my tongue up your ass Sid! This is the hill you want to die on?!"

"Don't distract me!"

"My teeth are clean or whatever. How dirty can teeth get anyway?"

".......You are so gross."

"It's not that gross! We kiss for fuck's sake! Swap fluid -

"Do. Not. Finish that sentence I am going to throw this phone out of my window."

"....Priss."

"Nathan, I swear to god."

"......."

"Wait, what are you doing? Sid?"

*Camera clicks*

"...... You dirty fucker."

"Like what you see? Want to see more? Ha! Too bad! December 9th babe!"

"...You're a friggin cheat."

"At least I don't use other people's toothbrushes. Honestly. Who raised you?"

X

December 9th rolls around and Nate is bitchy, horny and cranky about it.

Tys threw a tape ball at Nate the other day after a game and Nate had actually snapped. Tys just raised his eyebrows at him and said nothing. Nate felt bad afterwards and ended up apologizing, only explaining to Tys that he truly, truly does not want to know why Nate is acting like a spaz. Tys understood alarmingly quickly anyway. He had plugged his ears with his fingers and ran away from him down the tunnels yelling the Hockey Night in Canada theme to drown out Nate's voice. Nate had to laugh as he watched him practically sprint away.

Earlier, another reporter had inevitably asked about Sid. Nate vaguely remembers his rambled answer. "Being from the same hometown, it was exciting to have someone like that to look up to." The reporter nodded and smiled, this is the same story Nate has told numerous times already. "But, uh. Now - now it's more of a friendship. It's funny looking back that I idolized him. He's now one of my closest friends. We train together the majority of the summers and do golf trips and stuff." Nate scratches his nose and looks down, Sid's warm skin at the forefront of his mind. "It's different now, for sure." is all he can say.

The Penguins touch down right before the pre-game starts so there is no way to see Sid before the game. Nate paces around the locker room listening in on a million different conversations at once while the guys file in and start to get dressed. He plugs in his music and tries to focus.

A headphone is ripped out of his ear and Mikko stands beside him, not apologizing but plowing ahead with a question about the PK. Nate is bewildered for a second but then his anger boils over. 

"Mikko what the actual fuck - I have no idea, talk to fucking Gabe!"

Mikko looks a bit taken aback and Nate grabs his headphone and plugs himself back in. Mikko blinks for a second, but then does turn around and ask Gabe.

Nate's a bit of an asshole but that's nothing new. Mikko needs to understand that sooner rather than later.

Roy steps in and claps his hands for their attention and it's game on. 

X

Even though the Avalanche lost again, Sid wanted to take him out and Nate simply couldn't refuse. Tys was, of course, happy to tag along and get a free meal but put up a front about being their third wheel. Nate spent a little extra time on his hair after the post-game shower and brushed off questions on where he was headed for the evening with the simple explanation "Oh, I have somewhere to be."

Tys sees him nervously pull on his navy suit jacket and fix his hair for the millionth time. He just shakes his head, leaning into his side to talk quietly in his ear. "You look good, Dogg. I am pretty sure you could show up in a paper bag and he'd still look at you like that. Stop fussing."

Nate turns to him, confused. "Like what?"

Tys just shakes his head again and straightens Nate's collar. "You are so hopeless."

Sid is waiting for them in a car outside and steps out when they get close. Nate physically has to stop and stare at him. "You wore it." he breathes.

Sid blushes and shrugs. "We had an agreement."

Sid is in his black suit, the same one from Paris, the same one from Italy. 

Tys tugs on Nate's sleeve to get him moving again and gets into the car. Nate steps up to Sid and shakes his head. "How? How the fuck are you so - " Sid brushes his hand and Nate can't speak. Sid smiles at him and opens the rear passenger door for him with a small flourish. Nate laughs and gets in. 

Sid's eyes are dark and warm as he smiles at Nate over his glass of wine at the restaurant. Tys is rambling on about a night he had in Vancouver with Edler and Nate noses his foot under the hem of one of Sid's suit legs.

They are at one of the nicest restaurants in Denver and Tys is acting as a buffer and chaperone. Their dinner was delicious and only one table stopped Sid for a photo as they were coming in. Restaurant staff looked a bit mortified and must have talked to other patrons requesting that they don't bother Sid because Nate has seen a lot of craning heads but no one else dares to approach them.

Tys's phone pings and pulls it out, reading the text and makes a very girly squeal. Sid looks authentically concerned and Nate snorts. "Emma?" Nate asks.

Tys sighs, putting his phone down and dreamily looks at Sid. "Emma." he breathes.

Sid huffs, "Oh geez."

Emma Rose is a beautiful British Columbia-born blonde that Tys actually showed Nate when they were all drunk as hell in LA. He's been trying to wheel her for months. He keeps Nate up to date with their growing - whatever, and Nate can only laugh along as he watches his friend fall in love.

Tys pulls up her Instagram and shows Sid, gushing about how smart she is, how well travelled. Sid nods along with a smile and Nate's heart twinges. He wants to do that. He wants to show Sid off to his friends, his family, but that is something they will never be able to do. Nate shakes his head and has another sip of wine, tugging one of Sid's feet with two of his own towards him under the table cloth.

Day by day.

X

Tys wishes them a good night and gives Nate a drunken thumbs up as the car whisks him away back to his place. Sid laughs and waves. "He is such a ham sandwich."

Nate snorts and nods, "Yes."

In the condo, Sid quietly strips Nate of his suit and kisses him gently. Despite being on edge for weeks and sharing two bottles of wine at dinner, Nate feels like he needs this tonight. Slow.

Nate lays Sid out on his bed and takes his time, reluctant to take the black suit off but eager to feel Sid's skin. Sid lets Nate worship him and only laughs when Nate bites gently at his ribcage. Nate takes off his clothes slow, kissing his skin as it's revealed. 

Nate drags his nose down Sid's side and kisses the base of Sid's shaft. Sid keens but Nate continues down, licking one of Sid's balls into his mouth. Sid sighs and runs his hand through Nate's hair. 

"Nate."

He hums, lifting his head.

Sid blinks heavily at the ceiling, working something out. Gathering courage to ask for something. Nate waits.

"I know - last time. That didn't go well."

Nate closes his eyes. "Sweetheart, we don't have to."

Sid nods, still looking up at the roof. "I know. But. I did talk to Caroline about it. She's - helping. It's helping."

Nate scoots up Sid's body and lays on his chest. Sid still won't look at him but that's okay, Sid is being as brave as he can be right now and Nate appreciates his courage. "That's good." he says softly. 

"Can you - " Sid swallows and closes his eyes.

Sid can't ask for this. It's too gay, too much of a sin. But he does take Nate's hand and he drags it down his body. It sweeps over his cock and under his balls and Nate understands. 

"I can - I'd love to. If that's okay." Nate whispers.

Sid nods and Nate allows the heat, the desire to consume him. His dry fingers press against Sid's hole and Sid kisses him hard.

"Okay, fuck. Yes." Nate rolls off of him and grabs the lube. They haven't done this before, not really. Nate slipped one finger in when they were in Paris but that was different. He squirts and generous amount of lube on his fingers and laves at Sid's nipples. Sid curls his body around Nate's and Nate presses one finger in. Sid gasps and rips his head away, breathing hard, "Wait -"

Nate nearly withdraws his hand but Sid grabs his wrist. "It's okay, I'm okay, it just hurts a little. Don't move, let me -" he takes a few deep breaths and closes his eyes. Nate can physically feel him untense around his finger but he waits until Sid nods. "Okay, slow."

Nate nods and kisses him hard. Sid whimpers and Nate doesn't move his hand until he can feel Sid relax even more. "Breathe, Sid."

Sid nods jerkily and Nate slides his one finger in more. Sid makes a beautiful sound Nate has never heard him make before and Nate cautiously starts to move slow - agonizingly slow. 

Sid slams his eyes closed and practically melts into the bed. He's gone a bit soft at the penetration but Nate seals his mouth around his cock and starts to move in time with his hand. Nate can feel Sid's heartbeat around his finger and in his cock and it's fascinating. Sid grows harder in Nate's mouth and he untenses completely as he starts to lose himself.

Nate has never done this before, but he has been doing some research and he's a quick learner. He moves his finger around, twisting his wrist, looking for it. A small nub, like half of grain of rice is just within Nate's reach and he presses on it. Sid arches off the bed, "Fuck!"

Nate pulls off of his dick because he's laughing too hard.

Sid is still squirming, gasping, blinking hard and trying to focus on Nate's face with blurry eyes. "Nate, what the fuck -?"

Nate grins evilly at him and presses it again. Sid cries out and slams his head back on the pillows of the bed. 

Nate smirks and sets a relentless pace with his mouth and hand, pressing insistently on Sid's prostate and Sid is rapidly coming undone babbling curses and Nate's name simultaneously. Nate nudges another finger at Sid's entrance and slips it in. Sid groans but more out of pleasure than pain.

Nate can only imagine what fucking Sid would be like. The feeling of him so tight and hot around his dick. Coming inside him. The animalistic spike of desire at that thought brings Nate closer to the edge than it probably should. He snakes a hand down to tug on his own erection and listens as Sid starts to lose it.

When Sid's toes start to curl and his hole starts to flutter, Nate adds a third finger. With all three, he presses down on that small magnificent bundle of nerves and deepthroats Sid's cock. 

Sid comes screaming Nate's name. Nate follows behind him almost instantly. 

Nate pulls out his hand and releases Sid from his mouth, rolling over on to his side and wiping his hand on an old towel on the ground left over from his shower.

Sid glistens in sweat and has his face hidden in his hands, breathing heavily. Nate nudges his side, a bit concerned. "You okay?"

Sid nods and Nate notices the fine tremor than wracks his body. Sid shakes after particularly powerful orgasms so Nate isn't too worried - yet. He kisses Sid's sternum and drapes himself over his chest.

It feels like a long time before Sid speaks. "I, uh. Liked that."

Nate snorts and smiles into his skin. "Good."

Sid shakes his head. "Again, how you know how to do that I may not want to know."

Nate just shrugs. "Porn."

Sid starts to giggle. Nate blows a raspberry on his side. Sid laughs harder and tries to shimmy away.

"You're so gross." Sid whispers.

Nate licks him. Sid swats him and protests, sitting up and immediately wincing. "Fuck, ow -"

Nate grabs his arms, "What?"

Sid laughs deliriously, "My fucking ass..."

Nate rubs his arms in apology and laughs. "Sorry."

Sid shakes his head and groans. "This better be better by the next game or I am going to be so pissed."

Nate kisses his shoulder. "You'll be fine. Be a scratch. Put your feet up. Say it burns when you pee and everyone will leave you alone."

Sid wheezes Nate's favourite laugh and collapses back on the bed. Nate watches him giggle like a child and falls even more in love.

Sid tugs him down and kisses him softly.

"You're a menace to society. To the hockey community."

"Love you too."

X

Christmas comes and goes and Sid goes to the States to visit Kathy and her family for the holidays. Nate goes home to Cole Harbour and spends it with his family, trying not to miss Sid.

Taylor swings by Nate's place a few times over the holidays and she posts up on Nate's couch, playing NHL on the PlayStation and beating Nate at Mario Kart every single time. 

Nate eats too much, maybe drinks too much but Taylor is quiet and understanding. They Facetime Sid on Christmas morning and Nate tries not to overthink it. 

Ringing in 2016 Nate is back in Denver, Sid is back in Pittsburgh and they celebrate together over the phone in different time zones, counting down the seconds as the New Year rolls over in Cole Harbour time. 

Denver gets hit with a nasty snowstorm in January and Nate ends up getting a cold with a persistent fever. He doesn't have to miss any games thankfully but he's a snotty, gross mess. The trainers insist he goes home and rests but Nate can see Roy narrow his eyes at Nate, expecting him on the ice for practice like everyone else. So Nate laces his skates in the locker room and nearly passes out straightening up. Gabe take his helmet off and shakes his head. "Go home, Nate. You're no use to anyone dead."

February they go back on the road and the central Midwest of North America is plunged into sub-arctic temperatures. Planes can't take off due to ice risk, it's cold as tits and then the rest of the guys on the Avalanche catch Nate's cold. 

There are whispers of trades coming down the line from Sakic and the other executives and Nate tries to ignore them. He overheard Duchene and Gabe talking accidently one day after practice about how no one is safe - including them. Nate remembers Roy's anger, his biting words and tries desperately not to panic. He doesn't want to leave the Avalanche. Not yet. He is playing better than he did last year, but still nowhere near as good as he did his first. He pushes all the media questions away about potential trades and buckles down. He's got something to prove now and by god, he's going to fucking prove it.

March rolls around and finally the world seems to thaw. Spring starts to thrum under Nate's skin and with it, the promise of summer.

X

March 18th finds the Avalanche in Calgary. 

There are only 10 more games in the regular season and the Avalanche are tentatively looking at a playoff spot - at least a wildcard, for the 2016 cup.

Calgary is desperately trying to cling on to their own potential spot. It's a close game, they are fairly evenly matched.

Nate isn't too sure how it happens, but it does. He takes a faceoff in the third period and dives forward, slamming his left knee into a Flames player that he doesn't see and he buckles to the ice.

The pain doesn't hit him immediately, at first it just feels like his leg just doesn't want to work. The play continues on around him and he tries to get up. That's when the pain hits, lancing up his nerve endings from his kneecap. He falls back to the ice and tries to blink the black spots from his vision. The pain is a hollow ache, rather than a sharp stab like his nose or his foot was. He's slightly aware that the game has stopped and Gabe is hovering by him, flinging insults at whoever Nate hit. John grabs the nape of his neck and speaks into his ear. "Can you move? Nathan?"

He nods, he can move he just can't seem to stand. John hauls him up with Gabe's help and Nate doesn't remember much else except the smell of the locker room, the first aid attendants moving his kneecap around, pain, and nearly puking in the locker room trash can. 

The game ends and Nate is being undressed out of his equipment by 2 different equipment managers with 3 first aid attendants supervising. Tys comes into the room, pale and grabs his arm. "Nate - "

Nate tilts his head and tries to focus on Tys's face through the weird sluggish pain. "Call him. Please." Nate slurs.

Tys nods and Nate doesn't remember much after that.

X

It's not a full break but a nasty sprain of his MCL. He's benched for the rest of the season. Again.

He again, miraculously, doesn't need surgery but the doctors say that if he plays on it, he certainly will and may even ruin his hockey career forever. Apparently, knee injuries are no fucking joke.

Tys is able to get a hold of Sid at the hospital. Sid was playing his own game tonight and didn't see the highlights of Nate's until he was back home. Tys passes Nate the phone wordlessly and goes to get a coffee from the hospital vending machines. Nate takes a deep breath. He's a little high on the morphine and the pain is so different than what he's used to, making him feel almost drunk.

"Hi, love." Nate croaks. The drugs and the pain make his lisp worse and Nate giggles at himself.

Sid immediately is in hysterics. "What did the doctors say? How are you? Where are you - where are my fucking keys -"

"No, no. Sweetheart, no. Stay. Stay at home. I'm okay." Nate slaps his hand against the sheets of his hospital bed. "You have to win the cup!"

Sid curses quietly. "I need to be there. With you."

Nate snorts. "Why? Look at me! I'm high as a Mary Poppins right now I can't feel a thing. It's great!"

Sid huffs, "Babe -"

"You. Have. To. Win." Nate slaps the bed with every word. "You're going to win. You're Sidney Crosby." He thinks on that for a moment. "Wow. You're Sidney Crosby. Has anyone ever told you that? That's so..."

Sid sighs. "What did the doctors say?"

Nate rolls his head around on his pillow. It feels good on the back of his head. "Sprained MCL."

Sid curses again quietly.

Nate looks up at a very large water stain on the roof. "I'm okay. Please, don't panic. I love you."

Sid makes a wounded sound and tries to argue again, "I could be there tonight - "

"No, Sid. I'm okay."

Sid takes a few deep breaths and Nate lets him realize that there is nothing that Sid could do for him right now. Nate would love it if he was here, of course, but hockey is Sid's life. They have a chance at the cup. Nate cannot stand in the way of that. Sid deserves to win.

Sid quietly asks, "What can I do?"

Nate shakes his head. "Nothing. Kick some ass, that would help."

Sid laughs. "Okay, I'll see what I can do."

Oh, there is one thing. Nate grins. "Hey sweetheart - win me a cup, would ya?"

X

Chapter Text

Nate settles into the black leather chair and eases pressure off of his sore knee. He winces as he sits and Marie just waits for him to get situated. He looks around the plain but pleasant office and flicks his numb fingers.

"So," he clears his throat. "Uh, how does this work - do I speak? Do you -?" he trails off and tries to fend off the tremors in his hands.

Marie smiles at him and shrugs. "Whatever you'd like. If you speak I'll get a better understanding of how to help."

Nate squirms at the word "help". Marie notices, she smiles again.

"How about you start by telling me about that knee?" she asks gently and Nate shrugs. "Nearly tore my MCL. Against Calgary, uh. I'm on the bench now."

Marie tilts her head, "You're out for the playoffs?"

Nate shakes his head, "The Avalanche didn't make the playoffs so it's okay."

Marie hums. "Looks painful."

Nate shrugs again. "I broke my foot last year. This is worse but you know -" he shakes his head, "Uh. Used to it."

Marie breathes a laugh, "Tough guy." she teases.

Nate quirks a cautious smile but doesn't know how to respond. His tremors get worse and he sits on his hands.

Marie either doesn't notice or she's kind enough to not comment. "Why are you here, Nathan?"

That is a very good question. Nate has no idea of where to even start.

"I want to get better." he confesses.

"At what?"

Nate breathes, looking down at his fucked up knee. "Hockey. Life."

Marie laughs again. She has a tinkling, sweet laugh and it eases some of Nate's anxiety. "Well, good for you. I think you might be in the right place."

X

He watches the Avalanche streak around the ice at the Pepsi centre and grits his teeth. The itch to skate, to work himself into the ground gnaws on the back of his skull and he cracks his neck and takes deep breaths, trying to ignore it. His knee aches but his physio guy told him to start standing and walking around on it more so that's what he's doing.

The Avs are practicing for the game tonight against the Ducks. It's April 9th. There is only one more game in the regular season and then they are done - free. On to summer. 

The guys are pissed. Nate is pissed. Sakic is pissed. Roy is even worse.

Overall, Nate can objectively say that they didn't have the best season, but the reporters and trade analysts had a fucking field day with the piss-poor end of their 2015 - 2016 run. Once the trade deadline passed, Nate felt like he could finally breathe. People tip-toed around him for a while there, knowing that he was injured but also knowing that Roy was ready to sell him to the highest bidder at the drop of a hat. It sucked, but he made it. Somehow.

He keeps repeating a small commitment to himself late at night when his anxiety is so bad he can't sleep. Next year. Next year, he is going to be so good Roy and Sakic would be idiots to trade him. He's going to work his ass off this summer and next year, he's going to do better. 

He can do this. He fucking has to.

The Penguins are in the running for the cup after firing their coach. Sid had confessed to Nate on the phone that he was secretly happy he was gone, the guys are more focused, driven. In Nate's opinion, Pittsburgh has always been good, but Sid pulls that team up by sheer will alone sometimes and finally the Penguins seem to be waking up and starting to repay him back. They are more cohesive, making outrageous plays that only work when you trust the guy next to you like you do with your own flesh and blood. Nate had joked about Sid winning the cup when he was high on morphine but watching them play, it hits Nate. 

They're actually going to win. He can tell. Anyone who knows anything about hockey can tell.

Nate knows that Sid is a superstitious bastard so he doesn't tell Sid this, he just listens as Sid gets more and more stressed, but also more and more focused. 

Nate helps where he can but he can't do much. Just like Sid can't magically heal his knee, Nate can't win a cup for him. He gives Sid his space and supports when Sid asks. For three weeks he has been glued to his phone, reading stats, watching highlights, taking notes and texting Sid what he thinks. Sid counters back sometimes with other strategies and insights on players that Nate doesn't know about but otherwise takes Nate's advice. They get in a few disagreements but Nate can see Sid in games try one or two things that Nate suggested to him and it works. It doesn't always amount to a goal, but opens up more options for passing and makes the team flow a little better. Nate had smiled when he saw that for the first time.

Otherwise, he lets Sid do what he does best - win. 

Roy releases the guys and Nate shifts on his feet, kicking out his knee to get movement back in his sore joint. He heads into the tunnels to the locker room.

He chats and laughs with the team as best he can realizing with a small pang that this was it. Their season truly was over. Gabe smiles and laughs along but it doesn't reach his eyes. Coming in near last, the bottom of the barrel doesn't sit well with anyone, but especially Gabe. Nate can't help but think of the Penguins firing their coach, hiring Sullivan and immediately turning it around to be a contender for the cup. If Gabe didn't have to shield the team from Roy, would the Avalanche be in the same boat? Or are they just fucked anyway? Just a rag-tag group of average hockey players with a weak backend and a centre forward with too much anger that can't go anywhere?

Nate spins a roll of tape around in his hands and tries to ignore the 'what ifs'.

X

After a few weeks at home, resting his knee and boring himself to tears, Sid phones him out of the blue asking him quietly to come. Nate flies to Pittsburgh that evening.

The Crosbys are all there already and Sid invites him over to his apartment to say hi in between Sid's practice and game. Nate knows that Sid hates having his pre-game routine interrupted, but his family was already ruining that plan and Nate told him he'd only stay for 5 minutes anyway.

Nate and Sid haven't seen each other since December 9th. It's now mid-May. 

Nate pretends like he doesn't have a fob to Sid's place and knocks, greeting Sid's family limping into the sun-drenched space. Nate's eyes are immediately drawn to Sid. Sid is backlit by the setting Pittsburgh sun from the large apartment windows and despite his scraggly playoff beard, he is so handsome it hurts. He carefully hugs Nate, conscious of his knee, but holds him almost hard enough to bruise. He doesn't say anything but Nate understands. The moment suspends in time and Nate closes his eyes - just for a second. He can feel himself settle like sand underwater after a powerful wave. Sid takes a deep breath by his ear and Nate can feel the warmth of his body through his shirt. Sid lets him go and Nate can see his warm golden eyes assess him. Nate smiles weakly at him and Sid ghosts a small smile back.

Trina and Taylor then hug him and Troy slaps him on the back, asking about his knee, asking about the Avalanche, asking him about summer training and it's good. Nate missed them. They insist that Nate sits down so they move into the living room while Trina pulls a lasagna out of Sid's oven. Sid hovers by Nate's chair, his hands snapping, and asks him 3 times if he needs anything to drink. Nate knows that Sid needs to do this, to go through this little ritual before he can allow his brain to shut off so Nate patiently answers him the same every time with a small smile. 

The Penguins are in the Conference Finals against the Lighting and are down, 3 to 2. The Blues and the Sharks are the other teams in it, with the Sharks having a slight edge over the Blues, in Nate's opinion. He has still been religiously studying every game, every play and now can name every Blues, Sharks and Lightning player by heart and their jersey numbers.

Nate still knows, somewhere in his bones, that Pittsburgh is going to win. 

Sid finally settles, perched on the edge of the couch and Nate tries hard not to stare at him.

Nate nudges Sid's foot with one of his own. "What time do you have the be at the rink?"

Sid checks his watch. "Soon. Pre-game is in 55 minutes."

Nate nods. They don't have a lot of time.

Trina hands him a huge plate of lasagna and a fork and Nate laughs, "Trina - I can't eat all this!"

Sid laughs at him and gets another fork. "I'll help."

Nate pulls it away from Sid, horrified and Sid raises his eyebrows. "Or not?"

"It's not spaghetti. You can't." Nate shields the plate from Sid and Taylor laughs from the other end of the couch. "True, Sid. Want to risk it?"

"It's Italian - does that count?" Troy asks.

"No!" They all respond and Troy just shakes his head.

"Besides," Nate snorts, "Why on Earth you carbo load -"

There is a knock at the door. 

Sid looks at Nate and Nate shakes his head. Trina, closest to the door, opens it and makes a happy noise of surprise. Nate doesn't recognize her at first, it just seems surreal for her to be here, but then Nate scolds himself. Of course she would be here.

Kathy.

Her pretty light brown hair is tied back and she has a black Penguins hoodie on stamped with #87 on the arm. Nate fixates on those small white numbers on her hoodie that is too big on her and tries to breathe. Sid gets up and greets her, seemingly happy to see her. He kisses her and Nate has to look away.

Fuck. He can't do this.

Last time, Nate was prepared. He knew she was coming and Nate and Sid had just spent weeks and weeks together figuring this out and rejoicing in each other's company. Now, Nate hasn't seen Sid in months, he can't kiss him or touch him or even talk to him like they usually do because they are surrounded by Sid's family. Looking around at the reunion, Nate sticks out like a solar flare.

He doesn't belong here. 

Sid takes Kathy's suitcase to put in the bedroom and meets Nate's eyes for a millisecond. His normally expressive eyes are impossible to read but Nate can feel his own sadness on his face. Sid's eyes shutter and he looks away.

"Kath! Wow, didn't know you were coming!" Taylor says, getting up and hugging her. 

"Yeah, we got an unexpected break, thought I better come cheer on my guy." Kathy laughs. She finally seems to notice Nate and waves. "Hey, Nathan! Good to see you again. I heard about your knee - hope it's getting better."

Nate nods and musters up a smile, "Yeah uh. Thanks. It is healing quick the doctors say."

Kathy nods with a smile. "Good. Hey, I smell food, mind if I dig in?"

Trina fusses with getting Kathy an plate and Nate hauls himself out of his chair, bracing his weight back onto his knee. 

He needs to leave. He arguably shouldn't have come in the first place.

Taylor steps abortively closer to Nate to help him balance, but Nate waves her off. Her brows furrow and she looks over his face.

"You okay?" she asks. The question is normal, Taylor's eyes searching Nate's face are not.

He nods. "Yeah, I'm good."

Sid comes back from the bedroom and notices Nate standing. 

"You okay? You leaving?" he asks.

Nate can't seem to look at him and shrugs. "Yeah, you have to go soon anyways. I'll uh, check into my hotel. Try to get last minute tickets to the game." Nate forces a smile but Nate knows Sid isn't buying it. Nate is going to try to get the first flight home.

Sid nods. They can't get into this here and now. Nate sighs and steps up to Sid, hugging him hard.

"Proud of you." he murmurs low in Sid's ear. Nate can feel Sid's breath catch.

"Nate - don't -"

Nate smooths a hand down his back. He's not mad at Sid. He's mostly mad at himself.

"Good luck." Nate whispers.

Sid takes a shuddering breath and tightens his arms around him. Nate allows it for a split second and then steps away. Sid is trying to make Nate look at him but Nate finds he can't meet his eyes.

He turns and plasters a smile on his face. "Thanks for feeding me Trina, Kathy it was nice to see you. I got to go, but uh. I'll see you all later." 

They all chorus back that they will see him at the game, except Sid. Sid follows him slowly to the door as he limps along and Nate steps out into the hall. Sid is framed in the doorway, the sun now almost fully down but it still halos him. The sunlight streams into the hallway from the open door and Sid's shadow casts along the neural grey carpet of the apartment complex. 

Nate takes one last look at him and offers him a resigned smile.

Sid takes a long moment looking at him but eventually nods, blinking hard and looking at the ground.

Nate limps down the hall and Sid doesn't close the door for a half-second too long, watching him go.

X

"So," Marie asks over the video call. "How did your visit to your friend's house go?"

Nate nearly snorts in derision. Awful, Marie. That's how that went. "Uh. Fine? I guess."

"You aren't there now?"

Nate shakes his head, looking around his living room in Cole Harbour. "No, I'm back at home."

She raises her eyebrows. "That was a quick trip."

Nate nods and shrugs. "He's busy. He's playing for the Stanley Cup."

"Wow, that's impressive. You must be proud of him."

Nate shrugs. "Of course. He deserves to win. He's one of the best to play the game ever."

"That sounds like a cool friend to have."

Nate shakes his head. "How can you be a Sports Psychologist and not know hockey players? Or care?"

Marie laughs, "I am much more of a tennis girl."

Nate wrinkles his nose and Marie laughs again. "It also makes my job easier. I have a suspicion of who you are talking about, I'd have to live under a rock to not know, but I care about you, Nathan. Not hockey."

Nate shakes his head again, "But how? You're a Sports Psychologist. Why do you care about me or my personal life so much? It doesn't fuc- it doesn't matter. You're supposed to be helping me get better at hockey - not. I don't know, pretending to care about my life."

Marie takes a long pause and looks at him. Nate doesn't back down. She sighs. "I do care, Nathan. I have to care, it's a part of the gig. I need to understand you as a human before I can understand you as a player."

Nate just shakes his head and looks out at the lake. It's quiet today, the sky is a perfect periwinkle blue.

"You don't like talking about yourself."

Nate shrugs. "Does anyone?"

Marie laughs again. "Yes, actually. Many people do. That is why therapy can be effective."

Nate looks back down at the keyboard of his laptop. Marie continues, "But, you have to be willing to try. I don't know what I don't know about you. I need you to tell me, talk to me, for this to work."

He squirms at the thought. 

"You don't like that." she says thoughtfully.

Nate gestures weakly, "It's just...humiliating."

Marie looks properly confused at that. "What do you mean?"

"I can't just sit here and bitch about my life to a perfect stranger. It's embarrassing."

"You think I will think less of you because of it?"

Nate runs his hands through his hair, frustrated. "Yes. No. I don't know."

Marie stays quiet.

He takes a deep breath and tries to sort through his thoughts. "I don't need someone to hold my hand and baby me through my fucking personal life. I'm a pretty shit person and I know it. I don't need someone to pretend to care about me because there isn't much here," he waves to his body, "to care about." He shrugs. "I'm just a hockey player, Marie."

Marie's eyebrows are nearly meeting at the centre of her face with how hard she's furrowing them. "You don't think that you deserve to have someone care about you?"

Nate shakes his head, Sid's smile flashing in his memories. "No, I mean I know people do."

"But you think you don't deserve it?"

Nate opens his mouth but finds he doesn't know what to say. "No...I mean, I don't know."

"Can you tell me honestly, right now, one nice thing about yourself that isn't about hockey?"

Nate's anger snaps up before he can stop it. "Don't." he snarls.

Marie blinks. "Don't what, Nathan?"

He gestures angrily at the screen. "Don't fucking - baby me. I'm not a little kid."

"That is not what I asked." Marie says softly. 

Nate bites his anger down and tries to breathe. Sid. He's doing this for Sid. For hockey.

Marie lets him take a few breaths and quietly speaks. "Nathan, I know this is hard. I am not intentionally treating you like a child, but I think you know that." Nate looks back out at the lake. "I am very glad you're here and you're trusting me with this."

Nate closes his eyes.

"But I'd like you to try to refrain from yelling at me or snapping on me like that." she whispers.

He sighs. "I'm sorry."

Marie nods. "I know you are." she smiles tentatively at him but Nate can't find the energy or the balls to smile back.

"I'd like you over this next week to think of one thing about yourself that you like. That you don't mind sharing with me."

Nate nods, so very tired. "Okay."

X

Nate can't fucking watch this.

He's a bitchy, angsty mess; sweaty - swearing. His mother long has given up trying to scold him for acting like a maniac. He paces around his parent's living room with their huge flat screen TV and bites at his nails like a goddamn cartoon character. His whole family is piled into the living room and equally watch the game and Nate with trepidation. 

It's game six. If the Penguins win this, they win the cup. They lead the series against the Sharks and they look good, but Nate is still a fucking wreck. Lord Stanley is in the building, the cameras made sure that they got the cup being shuttled in, unpacked and glittering in the arena lights. Nate tries to not look at it too long on the broadcast in some strange attempt of not jinxing anything. 

Nate runs his hands through his hair and swallows. His phone has been lit up over the past few hours with friends and teammates also watching the game, knowing that Nate would need wellness checks periodically throughout. He ignores another notification and watches the clock tick down.

Sid had texted him before the game and Nate took a screenshot of the words.

SC: Going to win you that cup Nate

His chest ached but he didn't answer.

The game is a battle, especially in the third. It's not dirty but it's fast and aggressive. San Jose only needs one goal to tie it at 2 - 2. The stands are packed, white towels being waved like maple leaf seeds in the wind. 

Matt Murray, the young 22 year old alternate goalie for Flower, is a goddamn brick wall. He makes save after save and none of them are pretty, but all of them are necessary. Number 87 is everywhere, blocking shots, passing, getting knocked down and getting right the fuck back up. Geno is beside Sid, working off his plays, setting up Kris. The three of them are ferocious on the ice and Nate would be amazed if he wasn't so stressed.

Somehow they make it out. Somehow, the clock drains. The Sharks pull Jones with 2 minutes left. 

Hörnqvist scores on an empty net after an assist from Sid and Nate falls to his knees. He doesn't feel the dull ache in his left knee as he kneels on the living room carpet.

They did it. It's 3 - 1 with only a few seconds left. 

The Penguins on the bench are already celebrating, the people in the stands are on their feet. Nate feels the air rush out of his lungs as the horn blasts.

They won. Sid won.

His dad spills beer all over Nate jumping up from the couch and Sarah starts to scream. Nate watches a thousand miles away from California as Sid hoists the Stanley Cup.

X

"When is Sidney coming home?" Marie asks. 

Nate flicks his eyes to Marie's face on the screen. "I thought you didn't care about hockey. And you didn't know who Sid was."

Marie nods, "It's true, but he's one of your closest friends. You mention him a lot - just not by name. I put two and two together."

Nate doesn't like that. He narrows his eyes.

Marie sighs. "Nathan, I have three degrees and a PhD. He's important to you. I am sorry if I overstepped, but I'm not blind."

Nate shakes his head, calming his panic, his anxiety. "Sorry."

A pause. "You're very protective of him."

He shrugs.

Marie tries again. "When is he coming home?"

Nate shrugs again. "I don't know. He's been...busy. It's a bit crazy when you win the cup."

Marie laughs her light airy laugh. "I can only imagine. Do you talk to him every day?"

Nate clears his throat, not sure how much he wants to divulge. "Uh, yeah. Pretty much. Text a lot. Not right now, he's busy. But we call each other a couple of times a week during the season." 

Marie lifts her eyebrows. "That's a lot." 

Nate searches her face, fear spiking up from his numb fingertips. He doesn't say anything. Marie waits but Nate sets his jaw. He's not going there. 

Marie nods and changes the subject. "Did you do what I asked? Did you find one thing?"'

He curls in on himself and looks down, embarrassed, humiliated. He feels incredibly stupid and can't meet Marie's eyes.

It's not that he didn't try, but he couldn't seem to think of a single thing. Outside of hockey, which he is pretty average at anyways, Nate is just...Nate. 

"Nathan?"

"I, um." He blinks tears away, so ashamed. 

Marie waits. Nate can't look at her.

"It's okay, Nathan. We can try again next week."

He nods and pinches the bridge of his broken nose.

X

The parade in Pittsburgh is televised and Nate watches the whole thing with his dad, a couple of beers and a smile. 

Sid is on the back of a dark grey truck with his family and Kathy. He has his home team black and yellow on, sunglasses, and of course - the cup. The streets of downtown Pittsburgh are packed. Nate hears one of the announcers say the amount of people broke records and that people camped overnight to get good spots for the 11:30 am parade. Nate watches his friends celebrate and he's genuinely happy for them. They deserved this.  

At the Victory Rally afterwards Sid gives a speech and Nate snorts. He is eloquent and always polite but Nate can tell he's a little tipsy. He thanks the crowd for cheering them on and the roar is deafening. 

Cole Harbour starts to put up banners and handmade signs congratulating Sid and the team around town. Children draw badly rendered Stanley Cups and the local elementary school posts them proudly on the windows before the last few weeks of school are done. 

The local rink where Sid (and Nate) spent hundreds if not thousands of hours gets a bit of a refresh with a fresh coat of paint, new glass and new ice equipment. The LED sign outside flashes continually, "Congratulations, Sidney!"

Nate trains. He works on his house. 

He gets his bloodwork done and starts working with a nutritionist, cutting out dairy, gluten and certain other types of carbs. He starts to monitor his weight more carefully and tracks his energy levels, his sleep patterns. Andy, still in Pittsburgh celebrating, sends Nate some things to work on and the training plan for the summer in a PDF. Within the first week, Nate has already done about a third of it. By the second, he's well over half.

He keeps up with Sid as best as he can. He tries to catch his interviews, media appearances that kind of thing. The Crosbys come home around week two after the win and Kathy (Nate assumes) goes back to the States. Taylor tries to come by every now and then but Nate is just busy - usually skating at the rink or in his gym in his house. She starts to leave him low-carb, non-dairy casseroles on his front step and Nate smiles every time, texting her a photo of him eating it. 

He doesn't enter Sid's house even though he still has his key. Last time Nate was in Sid's house was the night before the start of the season, when Sid told him he loved him for the first time. To go back without Sid there just feels wrong. Nate knows Sid wouldn't mind, but he still doesn't. 

He tries not to miss Sid. It doesn't work.

X

Nate takes a deep breath. "Someone, uh Sid actually - told me one time that I'm determined."

Marie tilts her head with a smile. "Do you agree with him?"

Nate huffs, "I guess."

Marie nods, looking proud. Nate fucking hates it but he grits his teeth and doesn't say anything.

"Good, Nathan. I know that was tough." she doesn't say it with any condescension but Nate's anger hears what it wants to hear.

"Okay. Great. Can we talk about hockey now?" he spits.

Marie blinks and raises her hands flat to her lap, raising them slowly. They have been working on breathing techniques and one of them is to use your hands to feel your breath move in and out, mimicking the movement with your hands. Nate doesn't copy her, but he does take a deep breath, almost unconsciously. Annoyingly, it helps. 

He puts his head in his hands and tries not to shake. 

Marie is silent for a long time.

"You think I don't mean it when I say you did good." Marie says softly. 

Nate doesn't answer her and continues to hide in his hands. 

She sighs. "I'm sorry you think that."

Sid's voice, whispered over the phone years ago comes back to him.

How can you think so little of yourself?

Panic starts to creep up his arms and ices over his brain. Marie is going to see he's beyond repair, he's fucked up, he can't play hockey because he's so -

"I'm sorry - Marie. I'm sorry." he tries to jump away from the computer and his tremors wrack his entire body.

"Nathan, breathe. Breathe with me."

His vision starts to blacken around the edges and his heartbeat roars in his ears. "I'm fucked - don't tell the League, please - "

"Nathan!" Marie's usual soft voice barks his name and it clears some of the blackness. "Breathe, Nathan. Do it with me." she commands and Nate tries.

He bows his head over his knees and links his hands behind his head. Inhale, exhale.

"Good, Nathan. You're okay. You're doing good."

The simple honest praise makes tears spring to his eyes. Before he can try to blink them back, they are dropping heavy on to his sweatpants. He near enough chokes, drowning in shame.

"It's okay, Nathan. You're okay."

He shakes his head but let's Marie talk him down. Inhale, exhale. He wipes his eyes bitterly and sniffs. 

"I'm going to talk but you keep breathing okay?" Marie quietly requests. Nate nods.

"I know that you're worried about what I will think of you, but literally Nathan, this is my job. I am legally bound to the strictest code of confidentiality in the world. I could go to jail if I ever told anyone about our sessions."

"Therefore, I would never tell the League about what we talk about in sessions. I will never tell your family or friends unless I had reasonable worry that you might harm yourself or others."

"And you've been very patient and brave with this so far." She makes a small huff, "Nathan, this isn't easy, and some people's brains are just wired differently than everyone else's. It doesn't mean you're wrong, it's just different. And it's okay. My job is to help you figure out what we can do to make your brain work for you."

She takes a deep breath and sighs it out. "I may have pushed you too fast, too soon and for that I am sorry. But I'd like to keep trying if you'd like to keep trying too."

Nate looks up at her, a bit surprised that she still wants anything to do with him, and she smiles gently. 

He nods.

She closes her eyes in relief and sighs. "Thank you, Nathan."

Nate sits up and wipes his eyes again. He sighs. The anxiety feels like it's leaving him in waves and in the aftermath, he's exhausted. He shakes the roar out of his ears and cracks his neck, flicking his fingers to get feeling back in them. He checks in with himself; his head feels spongy - sensitive, but calmer. Marie watches him set his jaw and meet her eyes.

Marie chuckles lightly and Nate looks at her in question. She shrugs. "Sid was right - you are determined."

Nate cracks a tired smile.

X

Sid is finally coming home. It's almost near the end of June.

Cole Harbour City Council and their local junior hockey clubs are planning a small ceremony for him at the rink to hoist his brand new 2016 Stanley Cup Champions banner, side by side with his 2009 one. Nate is asked to help along with Taylor and they manage to wrangle a small get-together for him.

The parade will wait until mid July when Sid gets his two days with the cup

Sid has been tentatively texting him, asking him about home, updating Nate on his travel schedule and providing commentary on what the Penguins have already managed to get away with with the cup. Nate's whole body burns with the desire to see him - even just hug him. He needs just a moment, one goddamn moment with him before the world crashes in on them again. He pushes the memory of Sid kissing Kathy in Pittsburgh away and focuses on the here and now. Sid is coming home. Sid is coming back.

Nate washes his sheets, cleans his house, asks the local Legion if they don't mind barbequing in the Cole Harbour rink's parking lot and counts the days.

X

It's early, the event starts at 3:00 pm, but Nate is supposed to be setting up folding tables so he's cruising around the dark arena with his headphones in, trying to manhandle the plastic grey monstrosities the rink calls tables to look somewhat functionable. 

Distantly, he can hear the heavy arena doors open and close and he pulls out a headphone, listens, then rips the other one out. It's Sid. Nate can feel the air change.

He's running before he even realizes it and sprints down the tunnels towards the front doors. The empty rink echoes his footsteps and his music still plays tinnily through his headphones.

He careens around one of the corners that leads to the long hallway before the entrance and he's there. He was looking up at the banners in the rafters but turns to Nate when he sees him. Nate makes an embarrassing joyful sound and runs even faster. Sid laughs and starts to jog too. They slam into each other and Nate picks him right up off the ground, swinging his legs around and laughing breathlessly. 

Sid slings his arms around Nate's neck and just hangs on, laughing, "Nate, oh my god - "

Nate puts him down and buries his face in his neck feeling the warmth of his skin and breathing in his perfect scent. Sid tilts his body back so he can grab Nate's face in his warm hands and he's kissing him. It's been 6 months since they have been together. Half a year.

Nate slides his hands up Sid's shoulder blades and kisses him back, desperately hoping he doesn't start to cry. 

"I'm so fucking proud of you -" Nate breaks away to kiss his cheeks, his nose, his neck and Sid laughs, squirming a bit when Nate peppers his sensitive neck.

Sid catches his face again and kisses him. "I missed you, god, Nate - you have no idea -" he breathes against Nate's lips and Nate picks him up again, dragging Sid on his tiptoes back towards one of the locker rooms. 

Sid laughs, delighted, and lets Nate carry him around. The locker room is pitch black inside but Sid pins him against the door and kisses him so dirtily that spots dance in Nate's vision. He can feel the blood leave the rest of his body and pool heavy and hot in his groin. Sid grinds his dick against Nate's thigh and Nate readjusts them so his thigh is in between Sid's legs, giving him something to grind against. Nate's legs are longer than Sid's so the angle isn't perfect but it's been 6 months. Nate will take what he can get.  

Sid opens Nate's pants and plunges a hand down the front to take hold of Nate in his fist. Nate gasps and smacks his head back against the door.

"Sweetheart -"

Sid withdraws his hand, makes a frankly gross spitting sound, and Nate can hear him rustling with his clothes. 

When Sid takes hold of his cock again, Sid's dick is pressed alongside Nate's in Sid's combined fist. The spit eases the glide and Nate nearly buckles against the door. He is not going to last long.

Sid tries to kiss him, misses in the dark, and Nate laughs cupping Sid's face and guiding their lips together as Sid makes them both fall apart. Their kisses quickly devolve to gasping against each other's mouths as Sid's fist flies faster and faster. Nate starts to babble - too happy, too in love, to stop.

"Sid - fuck, missed you. I'm...I'm so proud of you. I wanted to be there -"

Sid tucks his face into Nate's neck and pants damp breaths against Nate's throat. "I love you Nate, I love you -"

Nate comes.

He gasps against the door and Sid bites lightly at his collarbone, his hand still pumping them both. Nate just slumps there, allowing Sid to use his come to smooth the glide even more and use his body however he needs to reach his peak. Before Nate can get too sensitive, Sid is biting Nate's skin and groaning as he climaxes. Nate can feel his dick twitch hard against his own and the wetness that spreads from the tip. Nate internally curses the darkness because he loves to see Sid's face when he comes, but Nate can picture it.

Once Sid starts to come down, Nate practically has to catch him as he goes near boneless, collapsing in on Nate, breathing hard and pressing their bodies together from head to toe.

Nate runs his hands through Sid's hair and kisses his temple. Sid hums and yawns. Nate chuckles. "Tired?"

Sid nods. "I'm exhausted."

Nate nods to himself, he can only imagine. But he's still going to be a little shit about it. "Oh so two Stanley Cups is your limit eh?"

Sid huffs a laugh against Nate's neck. "Shut up."

Nate shrugs his shoulder, jostling Sid and he groans and stands on his own. "Just checking." Nate whispers, ducking down and kissing Sid's shoulder. 

They clean up as best as they can using their briefs to wipe away the worst of the come, but they eventually have to turn on the light to assess the state of each other's affairs.

Sid blinks in the harsh fluorescent lighting and Nate barks a laugh. "Oh man, you look like you just got fucked."

Sid's eyes widen in panic. "Why? Nate - "

Nate can see that he's starting to freak out for real and kisses his forehead. "It's okay, just hang on."

Nate fixes Sid's hair and straightens his clothes, checking Sid's neck for any marks but he's good. Sid tugs Nate's shirt to not look so bunched up and reaches up to push Nate's hair back.  

"Your hair is so light already." Sid murmurs. "Has it been that sunny here?"

Nate smiles and nods. Sid smiles a bit sadly and Nate pulls him against his chest. 

There are a million things that Nate wants to say and Nate can tell Sid feels the same, but they are here now. Nothing else matters. Sid won the cup, he's home, it's summer and they are together. That's all Nate needs.

He noses into Sid's dark hair and closes his eyes.

Day by day.

X

The small event goes well and Sid has to give another small speech after he's had a beer or two. Nate giggles at the back with Taylor but Nate catches Taylor wiping her eyes at one point, so proud of her brother. Nate slings an arm around her shoulders and she grumbles that she's fine, but leans into Nate anyways.

The newspapers get lots of photos of Sid on the ice with the new banner and ask him about his day with the cup, what he plans on doing with it. Sid's eyes flash to Nate's and Nate looks at him curiously. "Oh, ha - I don't know yet." he lies to the reporters and Nate can feel his face flush. Nate knows, or at least he suspects, what Sid wants to do with the cup and he nearly dies from mortification. He moves away quickly - annoyed, flushed, aroused, scandalized, and more than a little curious.

That evening Sid has a small fire at his house for family and friends while the loons cry out over the lake. He gives yet another half drunk speech that is more emotional than his others and Nate watches him. It’s one of those nights where Nate feels like his love for Sid is written all over his face -  impossible to hide. How anyone can’t see it is amazing to Nate. Sid is careful to not look at Nate too long, or to stand too close to him but his eyes are warm when he looks at him. It steals Nate's breath away every time.

Nate gets a bit more drunk than he should and ends up on Sid's couch listening to the last of Sid's hometown friends plan his cup party still outside around the fire pit. Nate watches the softly glowing stars, half listening to outrageous cup party plans and falls asleep. 

Around 2:00 am Nate is woken up by Sid crawling over him and settling against his chest. Nate hums and wraps his arms around him. "Hi." he whispers.

Sid kisses his neck and pulls a blanket from the back of the couch over them.

"Tomorrow." Sid breathes. 

Nate hums again. "What's tomorrow?"

Sid smiles against his neck, Nate can feel it. "Summer."

X

Chapter Text

"So, Sid is home?" Marie asks over the video call.

Nate nods, signing some posters for the Avalanche media team as he talks. "Yeah." he smiles as he answers. He can't help it.

Marie laughs. "You look happy, it's nice to see." she comments sincerely.

Nate shrugs. "He's uh, my best friend." he pauses, and cautiously speaks. "I missed him. A lot."

Marie smiles quietly and nods. 

Nate takes a deep breath.

Marie waits.

"He means a lot to me." Nate whispers.

Marie smiles softly, maybe a bit knowing. "I know, Nathan."

Nate looks at her long and hard. Marie, for how sweet she is, has a seriously good poker face. Nate can't tell.

He goes back to signing posters.

"How has your knee been feeling?" Marie asks.

Nate nods, wriggling his toes of his left foot and flexing the joint. "Good. Better. I've been practicing on it and everything. Barely hurts."

Marie looks a little concerned. "Isn't that a bit soon? To play on an injured knee?"

Nate shrugs, "Seems fine."

Marie just hums.

Nate finishes his last poster with a flourish and caps his Sharpie. Marie claps teasingly and Nate rolls his eyes.

"How have you been feeling?" Marie asks.

Nate has honestly been good. Great, even. It's only been a week since Sid's been home but they picked right up where they left off last August. The only difference now is that Sid is busier, needed for interviews, sponsorships and media content. They have another Tim Hortons commercial booked for filming next week in Halifax and Nate can't wait. Sid lets Nate tag along to a few things and Nate is always happy to watch, listening from the sidelines. 

Sid will catch his eyes in interviews and laugh and Nate has to turn his back so Sid can't get too distracted, smiling all the while.

They haven't been out on the town too much yet, electing to relish in the privacy of their properties and re familiarize themselves with each other. After the majority of the year apart, it's surprisingly easy to fall back into place together. 

Nate nods, "Good. Uh, great."

He flicks the Sharpie against his palm and looks down at his bare feet against his jute living room rug. "I know I'm a hockey player, and I do love it, but -" can he even share this? Is this too much? Is Marie going to tattle on Sakic for this?

Nate swallows the panic down. 

"Summer is my favourite season." he rushes out like it's some top-secret confession.

Marie nods, "Mine too, actually." and that's it. No fanfare, no alarm bells. Just simple conversation.

Huh.

Nate blinks and has to re-orient himself. "Oh, uh. Nice."

Marie smiles and changes the subject like it's nothing. "Do you have a thing today that you'd like to share?"

Nate still cringes but nods. "It's from Sid - again." Marie just smiles and waits.

He clears his throat. "I'm...I don't remember what the fuck he said, but I'm...resilient. Or something."

Marie bobs her head slow, impressed. "That's a good word."

Nate laughs. "Yeah, he's smart as fuck."

Marie laughs. She readjusts in her chair, "Why do you think Sid would say that about you?"

Nate shakes his head starting to feel the heavy weight of shame. Marie notices this and quickly backtracks. "Or, I suppose, what does being resilient mean to you?"

Nate flicks the Sharpie and thinks. "Uh, I guess it means being tough? Like sticking with things even though it's hard sometimes."

Marie nods and shrugs. "That sounds like you."

Nate chuckles and shrugs off the praise. 

X

Nate leans on his hands on the front passenger seat of the Tim Hortons truck and Sid does the same on the driver's side. They are nearly nose to nose, but the cameras are off and their mics needed to be readjusted so the media crew is distractedly working on it. They both have their Tim Hortons garb on and Sid looks stupidly fetching in his ridiculous hat.

"Why didn't you let me drive?" Nate hisses in a whisper.

"Because I'm a Stanley -"

"Jesus, Sid! You're the worst driver I've ever seen! We can't damage their fucking truck!"

Sid rolls his eyes, "Like you could do better! This thing," he waves to the huge mobile food truck's interior, "is fucking massive!"

Nate pokes the brim of Sid's hat with his brim in indignation and Sid pokes him right back.

"Okay, guys - that should work, let's go again!"

Nate casts Sid a heavy look but they exit the truck. 

This commercial series is a play on the fondly used Canadian turn of phrase "Tim's Run", in which Sid and Nate have been challenged with various tasks while delivering coffee and snacks to participants. There is very little acting involved, much more focused on Sid and Nate completing the tasks and their natural banter. One of their Tim Hortons media higher-ups loved their natural "chemistry" so much with the first few commercials that they just basically requested that the cameras roll, following them around and just catching them being themselves.

It's already so fun but Nate stands by the fact that he should have driven the truck.

They load up the truck (after Sid parks it more crooked than a dog's hind leg) and hit the streets. They play a delightful game of shinny with some kids who are so starstruck by them both that they are almost afraid of them. The camera crews filming them obviously don't help and the kids are tentatively passing and casting Sid and Nate nervous looks. Sid misses an easy pass and Nate sees an opportunity.

"Wow. Sid, I mean - come on!"

Sid straightens up and Nate can see when Sid clues in to what Nate is doing. He over exaggeratedly raises his hands, still a bad actor, but exclaims, "What?"

Nate gets a hold of the small orange ball and one of the kids almost runs away from him. "That was such an easy pass! Geez man."

Sid shrugs and laughs and a brave kid starts to check Nate. He grins and tries to fake but the kid is actually pretty good and manages to get the ball away from him. Once the other kids realize that yes, Sidney Crosby does miss passes sometimes, and yes, Nathan MacKinnon can actually be pick-pocketed, they throw themselves into the game. 

Sid should have let Nate drive the truck. 

Watching Sid make an 80 point turn to reverse into a parking space is hilarious though. People begin to look on curiously because of their surrounding film crew and start to clue in that that’s Sidney Crosby badly driving that truck and shout encouragement while filming them on their phones. 

Nate is supposed to be helping him but he’s breathless with laughter. Sid is giggling in the front of the truck while he cranks the wheel and it just serves to set Nate off again. The onlookers actually applaud them when Sid finally manages to park the monstrously large truck and Nate shakes his head at him but he can’t stop smiling.

"How high is this?” Sid asks one of the firefighters.

"This is 110 feet.”

Nate releases a heavy breath and shakes his head. Sid laughs at him.

"There is no way I’m going up there.” Sid declares.

They do. Nate has to stop halfway up, honestly terrified, but Sid leads the charge and goes to the very top. Nate reluctantly follows after him, his hands damp with sweat and tries not to look down.

The view of the city at the top is pretty amazing, but Nate clings to the ladder like a cat up a tree and doesn’t appreciate it as much as Sid does.

Once back on solid ground the firefighters thank them again for stopping by and Nate tries not to look like his knees are shaking still.

They get back in the truck and head back to Halifax to wrap up filming. They are still mic’ed up but Sid speaks anyways.

”When I was really young I wanted to be a firefighter. If I didn’t play hockey.”

Nate nods, he could see that. “Me too, actually. I always said I wanted to be a firefighter if I couldn’t play hockey.” he thinks of the 110 foot ladder and shudders. “But I don’t think that would work.” 

Sid laughs, bright and genuine.

X

"Okay, so right foot first."

"Babe, no, the foot doesn't matter."

"But you just said -!"

"Start with whatever foot you want! What the hell -"

"Okay, okay. So whatever foot."

"Yes."

"And if I win, I get to drive the cart this year?"

"Yes."

"And you promise to not be bitchy about it?"

"Nate, when have I ever been bitchy about - "

"Sidney Patrick Cros-"

"Don't...full-name me!"

"Okay, okay!"

"So cart."

"Yes."

"Dinner?"

"You're pushing it MacKinnon."

"To the edge of the far side?"

"Yes."

"Dive or jump?"

"Doesn't matter. Just whoever touches water first."

"On who's mark?"

"Mine."

"....How's that fair?"

"Nate..."

"Let me call it."

"No, no way."

"Why?!"

"You'll cheat!"

"And you won't?"

"I am a Stanley Cup Champion - "

"Oh my god, Sid. Fine! Your mark."

"Okay. Ready?"

"Start with your left foot, sweetheart."

"Wait, no! Sabotage!"

"What do you mean?"

"Mind games you asshole, stop it. Okay, ready?"

"Call it."

"Mark, set - go."

X

Sid welcomes the small parade of people into his home with a smile and the Penguins fan engagement and media people set up shop. The kitchen has all the posters and the pucks, the dining room table has the jerseys, the living room has the hats and about 10 people swarm around, organizing everything and tagging where things have to go after.

They ask Sid to start in the dining room with the jerseys and he is handed a full, unopened pack of black paint pens and the simple instruction of throw them out when one even is even the tiniest bit low. Nate hides in the corner and tries to make his 6-foot-large-frame self small, but one of the media girls notices him and blinks, almost doing a double take.

"Nathan MacKinnon." she says, like it was startled out of her.

He waves, "Uh yeah, hi."

Sid looks up from where he is signing jerseys and speaks, "He's here with me Angela."

The media girl, Angela, nods and lunges forward suddenly, tugging Nate's hand towards the pucks. "That's actually great - do you mind signing some pucks too? We can get both of you on there."

Nate starts to protest, "Uh, no Angela? I think that's your name...I'm not a Penguin." she throws a pack of Sharpies at Nate and he catches them. He waves them around helplessly, "I'm not a Stanley Cup Champion? I play for the Avalanche..."

She clearly doesn't hear him or clearly doesn't care and sets a huge box of pucks down in front of him.

"You can start with these and then we have a few other things after. So when the Sharpies get low -"

Nate looks desperately over at Sid and of course, Sid is laughing, head down, still signing and seemingly enjoying Nate's plight. Nate makes a face at him but shakes his head, uncapping a silver pen and starting. Angela scuttles away and brings him another box of pucks. Nate can hear Sid giggle.

X

"If you miss this shot I'm not going to sleep with you tonight." Nate threatens.

Sid lines up and takes a few practice swings, staring down the 9th fairway. Sid hesitates. "Should I use my 8?"

Nate doodles on the scorecard and shakes his head. "No you've been short today. Stick with the 7."

Sid, the mature 28 year old that he is, mutters under his breath "You've been short today." Nate rolls his eyes.

Sid takes three more practice swings and Nate thumps his head against the wheel of the cart. "Sweetheart, for fuck's sake - "

"I'm using my 8!" Sid runs to the back of the cart and changes clubs. Nate throws himself dramatically across the cart's seats and stares up at the roof. 

"Do you actually not want to, um..." Sid asks softly, not meeting Nate’s eyes.

Nate nearly throws something at him. "Sid! I was kidding, I want to have sex with you all the time! I just need you to hurry the fuck up and make this shot!"

Sid smirks, a little self-satisfied, and Nate throws his face in his hands. "Oh my god -"

"Shh!" 

Nate bites his tongue and Sid takes the shot. It's clean and textbook, but it lands short. 

There is a poignant moment of silence and Nate curls his lips into his mouth, trying not to smile and trying not to laugh.

Sid puts his club back and pokes at Nate to move over so he can drive, as per their agreement. Nate shuffles over and looks at Sid's face.

Sid is fighting a smile and Nate laughs. 

"I told - "

"Don't you dare!" 

Sid stomps on the gas and Nate slaps Sid's knee. "Next time champ."

"Shut the hell up Nate."

X

Sid helps to pull him up from his knees, sweating, breathless and blissed out.

"Babe, your knee..." Sid pants.

Nate kisses his cheek and tries to come back to earth. He shifts his weight onto his knee and grimaces slightly at the ache. Sid immediately panics.

"Nate, it hurts - shit - "

Nate cups his jaw, still breathing too hard but kisses Sid anyway. "I'm okay, it's okay. It only really hurts when I do stuff like that."

Sid makes an unhappy sound but Nate kisses him again and sways into his space. "I don't care, Sid."

Sid backs up and a flash of fire flares in his eyes. "Nate, you should care! You're an athlete you need your fucking knee."

"Sid, I'm fine! Look!" Nate kicks his foot out and moves his leg all around like a crazy person. Admittedly, it hurts a little, but he really is almost all better. Kneeling is still the only challenge.

Sid can tell he is in pain and he shakes his head. He pulls up his shorts and walks over to grab his shirt from the kitchen countertop, fuming.

Nate pulls up his own shorts and runs a hand over his face. "Sid - "

Sid pulls on his shirt and refuses to look at Nate. Nate sighs and sits on the couch. Sid starts to pace.

"Why are you mad?" Nate asks quietly.

Sid rounds on him, "Nate, why the hell do you think? I don't want you to hurt yourself because of me!"

Nate gestures to where they just were in Nate's living room. "Uh, pretty sure I also got something out of that Sid."

"That's not what I meant." Sid snaps. Nate raises an eyebrow at him.

Sid shakes his head and keeps pacing, "You need your knee. I don't need you to do that for me if it means hurting yourself."

"Again, you're not the only one who got something there - "

"I don't have sex with you just to get off Nate!" Sid loudly cuts him off. He taps his temple bitterly, "Remember? I'm fucked up? I don't -" he spins on his heel and keeps pacing. "I don’t need you to hurt yourself just for me.”

Nate nods and looks down. “I honestly am okay though. I know what I can handle.”

Sid gestures at him, “Clearly you don’t though Nate! You’re in pain!”

"I don’t need you to coddle me Sid.” Nate allows a little frustration to come through. He’s tired of being talked to like he’s still the same 17 year old Rookie Sid used to know.

Sid stops pacing and looks at Nate. His hands start to snap. Shit.

"Sweetheart -“

"It’s my job.” Sid whispers.

Nate raises his eyebrows and waits. 

"We look after each other. You do it for me - all the time. I do it for you.” Sid breathes the words to the ground, not meeting Nate’s eyes. "I don't...like it. Seeing you hurt. My head -" he gestures up to his face and shrugs, still staring at the floor.

Nate’s heart aches and he gets up. He lets Sid have ample time to pull away if this isn’t what Sid wants right now but Sid stands there and looks at Nate cautiously. Nate slips his hands around Sid’s back and hugs him, feeling Sid’s fine tremors and the warmth of his body. 

"That’s just love Sid.” Nate says quietly.

Sid makes a small sound and slings his arms around Nate’s waist. "Oh." Sid breathes. Nate smiles gently and rubs his back.

Sid rests his head on Nate's shoulder and takes a few deep breaths. "Please -" Sid starts, and Nate tilts his head to listen at where Sid is mumbling against his shirt. "Please look after yourself. When I can't. I might -" Sid chokes.

"No, Sid. No -" Panic, genuine fear, crawls over Nate's skin and he clings to Sid tighter.

Sid talks over him. "I might not always be here." he breathes.

Nate refuses to back down. To cry. His natural response is anger and Nate welcomes it. "Don't, Sid." he growls.

Sid sighs, "Not anytime soon -"

Nate rips himself away from him and paces towards the windows. His hands shake and the rage and panic make him feral. "Don't fucking do that Sid."

Sid takes a small step towards him and Nate takes a big step back, gritting his teeth his ears roaring, staring him down.

Nate remembers their fight in LA like it was yesterday because it was the angriest Nate has ever been with Sid. This is coming close, but it's not there - yet.

"Nate, please - "

"So we are just doomed? Always with an expiry date?" Nate spits.

Sid shakes his head, "No -"

"Or," Nate tugs on his hair with shaking hands, "I'm just a quick fuck for you, a summer fling -"

"Don't you fucking dare, Nate." Sid whispers, deadly. "You know that's not true."

Nate explodes, "You told me one time that you didn't know what love even is, Sid!" he yells. Nate gestures to where they just stood. "Hell, there are sometimes where I think you're still figuring it out!"

Sid - beautiful, talented, stubborn Sidney - never is afraid of Nate's rage. He sets his jaw and glares at Nate. He looks hurt and scared and its enough to make Nate's anger deflate. They both take a breath. 

"You idiot." Nate huffs.

Sid opens his mouth to snap back at Nate but Nate uses his longer legs to take two huge steps towards Sid, crowding his space. Sid doesn't back up, but he blinks up at Nate, surprised, wary. 

Nate searches his warm bronze eyes for a half second and Nate can almost physically see Sid respond to his proximity. His body knows Nate's. It recognizes him and yields to him, even if Sid mentally doesn't. Nate slides his hands over Sid's jaw, feeling his soft scrape of stubble and rubs his thumbs in the hollows of his cheeks. 

"This," Nate whispers, gently shaking his hands for emphasis, "This is love, Sid. This is what it feels like."

Tears track down Sid's face but he doesn't look away from Nate's eyes. "I know, Nate. I - I'm still learning. But." he blinks and nods his head, "I know."

Nate takes a deep breath of relief. "I'm not going anywhere. Nothing has changed for me since LA. I am going to wake up every single fucking day I have with you and choose to be right here." he ducks his head and bumps their foreheads together. "Do you understand?" Nate whispers.

Sid nods. 

Nate breathes a sigh. "Please, please don't talk about a someday like that. I can't -" now that the anger has gone, Nate can feel his throat thicken and his eyes heat. "I am not strong enough. I can't -" he's now crying in earnest and Sid hugs him.

"I'm sorry, Nate. I'm sorry -"

Nate sobs like a child into Sid's shoulder and Sid holds him hard. Sid ends up tugging Nate's hand towards the bedroom and Nate blindly follows. Once in the room Sid strips him quietly, eventually pulling off his own shorts and shirt and he pushes Nate's chest to get into bed. Nate fetal positions on his side of the bed and Sid wraps himself around Nate's back, kissing his shoulder blades. 

Eventually Sid's warmth staves off the tremors and Nate is able to breathe normally.

"I'm sorry Nate." Sid whispers.

Nate closes his eyes heavily.

Sid buries his face into Nate's skin and breathes, "I love you."

Nate smiles faintly. "I know, sweetheart."

Nate can feel Sid smile against his skin. "Day by day."

Nate nods with conviction. "Day by day."

X

Canada Day is spent with their families again. Andy tags along for the first half but then begs off, promising to see them at training tomorrow even if they are hungover as hell. 

Nate and Sid spend it lounging on the dock with Sarah and Taylor while their parents take over the cooking this year. Sid had managed to write in sunscreen 'I'm Dumb' on Nate's chest while he was asleep in the sun and quickly got a bright red burn. Taylor nearly pees herself with laughter. Nate wrestles Sid into the water and Sid goes in laughing, like an ass.

Taylor's phone clicks with a million pictures and Nate takes her phone from her, throwing it safely onto the grass of Sid's lawn, scoops her up, screaming, and throws her in the lake too. The two Crosby siblings chirp Nate relentlessly from the water and Sarah laughs along. Nate pins her with an accusing glare and lunges towards her too. She squeals and tries to get up but Nate is too fast. He fireman carries her over to the edge and also throws her in.

He stands on the dock triumphant and raises his hands above his head, Gladiator style. Their sisters complain about their hair but are laughing, swimming towards the ladder to get back on the dock. Nate looks around and a spike of worry threads through his chest - where is -?

Sid explodes out of the water at Nate's back and hits the deck at a sprint. Nate turns just in time to catch him but Sid's strength and momentum push them both over the edge, flying over the heads of Taylor and Sarah. The girls cheer as they hit the water hard.

Nate almost loses his breath and tries to orient himself under the cool green water. Sid kisses him clumsily under the water and Nate grins, diving for his shorts. Sid tries to shake off his hands but Nate pulls them right down, pantsing him and shoots to the surface with a laugh - bubbles escaping from his mouth.

Sid scrambles to pull his shorts up without Sarah or Taylor noticing and joins him seconds after glaring at Nate but fighting a smile. The girls didn't notice Sid's nudity and wring out their wet hair, scolding Nate but helping them both out of the water regardless.

X

Marie nods with a smile. "Sounds like fun! The summer is sure going fast."

Nate nods, hating the fact that she's right.

"Have you been training still too?"

"Yep," Nate nods. "Every day."

Marie nods too, "How is it going? How is all your nutrition stuff going?"

"Good. So far. I don't notice a ton of difference yet but I'm hoping I'll notice as soon as the season starts."

Marie huffs, "Getting tired of sweet potatoes yet?"

Nate laughs, "No, but Sid sure is."

Marie laughs, "Poor Sid. He must like you a lot."

Nate blushes and shrugs. Marie smiles fondly at him.

Nate clears his throat. "I've been working on um, being present - or whatever."

Marie nods and lets him continue.

"It's helpful. I think. I have so many," he gestures loosely, "worries, I guess about the future. Stupid shit, but uh. Being present really helps. At least, it is so far."

Marie smiles at him. "That's awesome, Nathan. May I ask, what does it look like to you?"

Nate just shrugs. "Every day is a new day. I can plan for the future and make goals but kinda like what we talked about - the future doesn't exist? Like it's a concept, not a tangible thing. This," he waves around his living room, "this is real. This is what I can influence."

Marie smiles hugely at him. "Nathan, that's amazing. That is hard for people to wrap their heads around. And it's easier said than done. Humans are hard-wired to worry."

Nate bobs his head, this is stuff that they already talked about. 

"During the season, without the immediate support of Sid and your family - don't be alarmed or upset if you fall back onto old worries." Marie gently reminds him. "It's a daily practice and like I said, sometimes it's hard."

Nate takes a deep breath. "I'll try."

Marie nods. "I'll be there to help you if you need any support, you just have to ask."

Nate swallows and nods.

After a brief pause he clears his throat, "So, another thing from Sid."

Marie claps her hands, "Let's hear it!"

"I'm uh, funny. Apparently." he trails off, squirming uncomfortably.

Marie smiles, "I'd agree with that. Why does Sid think that?"

Nate huffs, "He's always laughing at me. My jokes aren't even funny - "

"Nathan." Marie warns.

"Right, uh. Sorry." he takes another breath.

"Humour, I guess, is a big part of our...friendship. I can laugh at him and he can laugh at me. He never means it in a mean way." he picks at the skin on his thumb. "It's nice."

Marie nods with a soft smile. "It sounds nice." she says gently.

Nate smiles carefully back.

X

The hockey school is back on for another year and Nate, like last year, is there every day. 

Sid had kissed him, quietly grateful when Nate asked to help again and that made the long nights and even longer days worth it. He sneaks a couple thousand dollars into Sid's charity account with Taylor's assistance to help put on the school. Sid didn't notice for the first week but then he looked at the charity's balance and does some truly impressive CSI detective work, tracking Nate's donation back to him. When Sid found out he didn't let Nate out of his sight for over 24 hours, with much of that time spent in bed together.

Nate enjoys the camp more this year, being more comfortable with the kids and with the drills. Him and Sid are competitive as hell again with their small teams of hellions and it quickly becomes the highlight of his weeks.

He thinks of Roy and the Avalanche and wonders if his coach would ever have the patience for something like this. Nate suspects not.

X

The timing of the cup coming to Sid matches up with a few days of the hockey school. 

The cup touches down in Halifax around 10:00 am Friday, July 15th and Sid goes with his family (and Nate) to pick it up. There is a small swarm of people; bodyguards, reporters, NHL reps, Pat Brisson, Andy, some random Air Canada people and they all wait with baited breath as the cup is lowered, in its case, onto the tarmac and wheeled towards the waiting blacked-out SUVs. Along with the cup is the beautiful Conn Smythe trophy that Sid also won this year, returning to Sid with his name engraved on it.

Once they are enough away from the plane, people start to slap Sid's back and push him towards the cup. He laughs and steps up, ready to see it again. The cup keepers, in their suits and white gloves, open the case and the huge 34.5 pound Stanley Cup sparks sunlight across Sid's face. Nate smiles at Sid's expression. He sometimes looks at Nate like that.

The cup keepers gesture for Sid to take it and Sid bends down, heaving it out of it's velvet mould. Sid laughs joyfully and raises it above his head like he did when he won it. Nate laughs at his excitement as Sid kisses it. The cup keepers bustle around, closing the case, wheeling it to the SUVs, making sure Sid knows at least some of the ground rules. The mention of "no bodily fluids" makes Nate blush, remembering Sid talking to the reporters earlier in the summer. Sid nods along and agrees, and the cup people release him. He turns towards Nate with a huge grin.

"Looks good!" Nate laughs.

Sid nods, looking down at it. "It's kinda dumb, but I forgot how heavy it is. Here -"

He tries to pass it to Nate and Nate jumps away. "No! Sid, fuck - no! I can't touch it!"

Sid just wheezes a laugh at Nate's superstitious protests. 

They stop by Sid's house first to make a bit of a game plan and organize a bit more for the party later this evening. The two trophies sit on Sid's dining room table while Sid paces around on the phone with Pat. The Crosbys are out getting last minute things ready and people are due to arrive any minute.

Nate traces the shape of the maple leaf of the Conn Smythe and reads the names. It's fucking impressive. Orr, Hall. Steve Yzerman - Sid's hero growing up. Nate traces Patrick Roy's name three times and Geno's name in 2009. Wayne Gretzky. He comes down to the newest name and smiles. 'Sidney Crosby - 2016'. 

Warm arms wrap around Nate from behind and Nate hums rubbing Sid's arms and leaning back against him. 

"Hello." Sid whispers.

"Hi." Nate whispers back. 

Nate turns around in the cage of Sid's arms and looks at him, shaking his head. Sid furrows his brows and huffs, "What?"

Nate kisses him gently. "You amaze me." he answers honestly. 

Sid blushes sweetly and avoids eye contact, overwhelmed. Nate smiles softly and lets him off the hook. "Everything ready? Can I help?"

Sid shakes his head, "No I think we are good. Thank you though."

Nate takes a deep breath. "This is going to be fucking wild. I better hydrate now."

Sid kisses him a little too heavily for noon on a Wednesday in front of the hardest trophy to win in organized professional sports but Nate groans and is immediately into it. 

"Are you going to be the drunkest person at the party?" Sid moans against Nate's lips. Nate shrugs, "Probably."

Sid's breath hitches.

Nate looks at him with a crooked grin, curious. "Do you want me to be the drunkest person at your party?"

Sid nods against his temple and Nate chuckles. "So you can take advantage of me, have me laid out ready for you to do whatever you want to me?"

Sid gasps and bites at his mouth. "Yes - fuck. Yes."

Nate can get behind that. "I'd let you do anything, sweetheart." Nate breathes. "I'd let you fuck me if you wanted to."

Sid's hand flies to his cock clenching the base so he doesn't come instantly at the idea of Nate's willing pliant body wrapped around his dick.

"Can we please have sex in front of the cup?" Sid gasps as Nate bites at Sid's neck. Nate hesitates, "What, like right now?"

Sid kisses him hard and frees Nate's erection from his shorts.

"Oh fuck. Okay, yep."

Sid pushes Nate back against the table and Nate jumps up onto it, knocking into the Conn Smythe a little and it's so absurd that he starts to laugh. "Sid, love, wait - right here?"

Sid licks his hand and takes Nate back in his fist. Nate cries out and his hands fly out to the sides, nearly touching the cup. He flinches his hand away and the confusion of being so turned on, so painfully hard as Sidney Crosby pleasures him right next to the Stanley Cup is wonderfully strange. There's the cup, right there beside him. And at the same time there is Sid in front of him making Nate fall apart.

"Can I fuck you tonight, babe please -"

"Hell yes - " Nate growls and captures Sid's face in a filthy kiss.

There is a knock on the door. 

They blink at each other for a split second and then Nate shoves Sid backwards. Sid stumbles back and tries to pull his shorts up over his extremely hard dick. Nate scrambles off the table and tries to do the same, diving towards the kitchen to hide his erection against the kitchen counter.

"Uh, one second!" Sid calls, his voice cracking hysterically.

He looks over at Nate panicked, heat flashes in his eyes remembering what they just agreed too and he curses and tears his eyes away.

Nate hides in his hands and tries to breathe, coming down from the dizzying heights of arousal after a few breaths enough to be able to tuck himself away. 

Sid takes a few deep breaths and finally is able to zip up his shorts with a small wince. Nate starts to laugh and puts his head on the kitchen countertop, the marble welcomingly cool against his overheated skin.

Sid opens the door, walking stiffly and welcomes his dad, Taylor and a few media people both from the Penguins and other outlets. They all stream in with smiles and jokes and Sid joins in weakly. 

Taylor looks at Nate's red face in the kitchen, the cup and then at Sid walking weirdly stiff. She looks back at Nate and widens her eyes, wrinkling her nose. Nate shakes his head vigorously but she sees right through them and makes a disgusted face. She comes around the countertop and slaps Nate's arm, whispering, "You guys are so gross, with the cup? Oh my fucking -" 

"So what's the plan?" Sid claps his hands loudly, cutting Taylor off.

X

Nate doesn't accompany Sid as he takes the cup around Cole Harbour but Sid texts him photos as he does. He goes to the elementary school, the wharf, a veterans centre, Cole Harbour Place, City Hall, a local Tim Hortons and more. It's a whirlwind but Nate scrolls through the photos with a smile.

He can tell that Sid felt weird asking Nate to come, knowing how bad Nate wants a cup of his own, but also wanting Nate there with him to experience this with him. 

It's awkward in a way that Nate didn't expect. He's obviously thrilled for Sid and understands that Pittsburgh deserved the cup, but it's every hockey players dream to win it - Nate not excluded. The best emotion that Nate can assign with the feeling is just simple longing. 

So in the afternoon before the party, Nate putters around his house, getting his guest rooms ready for friends and family of Sid's and cleans every inch of his body. With a beet red face, he does a bit of research, naked on his toilet while his dick perks up with the expectation of tonight.

He frowns down at it and ignores it, trying to focus on how to make this as good as possible for Sid. He learns more than he ever thought possible about male bodies and mentally takes notes.

The nagging thought of the "final frontier" of his sexuality comes up again and Nate grins at the thought. 

He can't wait.

X

Classified claps Nate into a one-armed embrace and Nate almost has to sit down.

"Uhh..."

Classified laughs and Sid rolls his eyes in his raggedy old blue 2009 hoodie that he wore last cup party. "This is Nathan MacKinnon, my best friend. He's a huge fan."

Classified slings an arm around Nate's shoulders and Nate can't even move. He's tall. Pretty good looking. "Great, you can help tonight spitting some rhymes!"

Sid looks alarmed, "Uh, no man - you don't want - "

"Fuck yeah!" Nate exclaims, too loudly, too enthusiastically and Sid rubs his eyes.

Classified laughs and jostles Nate's shoulder. "This is going to be fucking awesome, guys!"

Sid shakes his head at the look on Nate's face. Classified grins once more and slaps Nate on the ass. Sid stares at him a little territorially but Nate is thrilled. 

He lopes off to finish the sound check on Sid's patio and Sid looks at Nate hard. "You like him."

Nate blushes and scoffs. "No, man - it's Classified! He's like, a Canadian icon - " 

"Celine Dion is a Canadian icon."

Nate snorts, "Sid -"

"Red Green? Rick Mercer? Canadian icons." Sid hisses.

Nate rolls his eyes. "Sid, I know - "

Sid folds his arms over his chest and glares in Classified's direction. He thinks for a minute and then exclaims. "I'm a Canadian icon!"

Nate laughs and bumps into him. "You're jealous, love." he whispers.

"No, I'm fucking not - my boyfriend is an asshole and being all giggly about a rapper - "

Nate wants to kiss him. "But he doesn't get to fuck me later."

That stops Sid in his tracks. His eyes flick to Nate's face.

Nate smiles slow and licks his lips. "I uh, did a bit of research while you were touring with the cup."

Sid's eyes catch on Nate's mouth and his breath hitches. "Nate. Nate - "

Out of nowhere Geno slams into Sid from behind and Nate catches Sid's shoulders to make sure he doesn't fall face-first into the lawn. Flower, Kris, Dupuis, Rust, Kessel, Schultz and Daley all pounce on Sid and pass him around. Nate laughs and watches Sid desperately try to switch gears for the second time today. 

It's late afternoon, the sun is just starting to go down. The patio is set up with bartenders, food trucks and a stage for Classified. The cup sits proudly up on the deck with it's own set of lights. A few family and friends have started to arrive and the Crosbys and MacKinnons have been here for a few hours already, not planning to stay too long to let "the young people" have their fun.

"Oh Captain, my Captain!" Rust crows and ruffles Sid's hair. Sid swats at him laughing and Geno whispers something in Sid's ear. It makes Sid laugh. Flower ducks around them and gives Nate a hug. "Good to see you man." Nate murmurs. Flower grins and Geno launches forwards and rubs the top of Nate's head aggressively. "Fucking - ow! G!". Dupuis pulls G off and gives Nate a fist bump. "Good to see you MacKinnon, sorry about G, he's already a little fucked up."

Nate snorts and tries to fix his hair, looking around noticing that almost all the Penguins have arrived with kegs and kegs of booze. They all swarm Sid when they notice their small group and Sid is laughing with his crinkle nosed smile and is so fucking happy to see his team that it makes Nate stupidly fond.

Kris slides up to Nate and sniffs his face. Alarmed Nate recoils back and looks accusingly at him, "Tanger, what the fuck - "

"He needs a drink! This young man needs a fucking drink!" Kris grabs his arm and starts dragging him towards a keg. Nate laughs and Fehr raises a cup from across the lawn at Kris's proclamation. "Hell yeah, MacKinnon! Get that lily white ass over here!" 

Sid and the rest of the guys follow, also berating Sid that he doesn't have a drink yet.

Rust pulls on Nate's other arm and starts to spout wisdom as they walk. "Now, Nathan. Dogg. The key to a cup party is to pace yourself, but we are already a little hammered from the plane ride so you need to catch up." Nate nods along with a grin.

"Therefore!" Flower swoops in, "Nous allons tu punir!"

Nate looks at him and frowns, switching to French. " Quoi? Qu'est-ce que tu veux dire?

Nate can see Sid snap his eyes to Nate. Sid gets horny as hell when Nate speaks French and Nate often weaponizes it against him in private. Nate feels a small pulse of arousal at the heat in Sid's eyes.

Flower points to just in front of one of the kegs. " Reste ici."

Dupuis slaps his back, "Bonne chance, jeune homme!"

Rust, G, and Kessle grab his legs. Ah, shit.

He braces his hands against the keg's rim and the guys lift his legs into the air. Flower gets the keg going by blowing into the funnel and shoves the tube into his mouth. Liquid hits him and he nearly spits it back out. It's not beer.

"Dogg, don't you dare spit that fucking thing out, let's go!" 

The strongest whiskey Nate has ever tasted makes his eyes water and he has no choice but to swallow. Some of it drips down his face and into his eyes and Nate can feel his face get redder and redder.

The Penguins cheer him on and Sid watches him with a small helpless smile. 

Nate takes a few good mouthfuls before the keg needs to be blown again and they lower his legs, cheering.

"Fuck yeah! Cap - you're up!"

Nate touches back on the ground and stumbles, feeling the booze immediately. They all laugh at him and Murray hauls him up, stabilizing him. He nods at Murray in thanks and tries to focus. 

Sid steps up to the keg and the guys all lose their minds. "Let's go Creach!"

Sid braces his hands and they blow the keg. Nate can see exactly when Sid realizes it's not beer and he chokes, just like Nate did.

"Creature, swallow that down! You can't spit it out we paid good shit for that!"

Nate laughs as Sid does what they ask and swallows as much as he can. He chokes again and spits out the tube with a gasp.

They all cheer and lower Sid to the ground. He stumbles into Nate and Nate catches him. 

"Cap, honestly a weak performance, the Dogg has you beat!"

Sid blinks up at Nate's face and Nate wipes some whiskey from his forehead. "It's not beer." he states flatly.

Nate just laughs. 

X

Nate is hot and drunk as fuck.

There are so many people here, some of them spilling over onto Nate's property and Nate lost track of Sid a few hours ago. There are people from Cole Harbour, Pittsburgh, Halifax - friends, family and lots of pretty girls that Nate has no idea where they came from.

He remembers rapping with Classified. He likes to think he did pretty good, but he probably didn't. He doesn't have shirt on anymore but he doesn't know where that went.

Some people ended up getting pushed in the lake and by midnight, everyone has had at least two keg stands with the whiskey kegs. It ends up being like Russian Roulette. 3 kegs are whiskey, 5 are beer. You don't ever know which one you're going to get, the only ones who seem to know are Flower and Bennett. 

He also remembers talking with Kunitz on the deck next to the cup and Kunitz bribing him with money to touch it. It ends up being a weirdly sincere heart-to-heart about cup expectations and League pressure and Nate talks with him for over an hour. People start to drift away around 3:00 am with the knowledge that they have to get up and do this all again tomorrow.

Nate only pukes once in a bush on his property but then feels immediately better - strangely more sober so he sets out to find Sid. They have an appointment.

Classified is still there drinking with the partiers and Nate can see Sid's gross blue hoodie standing with him. He beelines towards him.

Sid lights up when he sees Nate and Nate bumps into him. 

"Hey buddy, where is your shirt?" Sid asks with a laugh.

Nate shakes his head, "Don't know."

Classified wraps his arm around Nate's shoulders, Nate can see Sid shoot a subtle glare at his face. "You were amazing Nate! Thanks for coming up onstage with me!" Nate grins a bit proud and looks at Sid. Sid is now glaring daggers at Classified and Nate snorts.

"Thanks for letting me, man." Nate slurs. Sid puts down his cup behind him and takes Nate's arm, tugging him away from the tall handsome rapper. 

"Well I think we better go to bed. Thanks again man." Sid pulls Nate's arm around his shoulders and Nate breathes in his familiar scent, his drunk body curving in towards Sid's like a sunflower following the sun. Nate breathes in his ear. "Hi, baby. Hello love."

Sid smiles privately and says goodnight to a few other people before they trudge towards the house. Sid releases Nate to pick up the cup from the deck and bring it inside. He comes back to the house and Nate stops him from heading in. Sid - fucking Sid - looks so good holding the cup. Nate, drunk, tentatively reaches out and touches the cool metal. Sid watches him. He traces the ridges and the rim and meets Sid's eyes. They are lust blown and dark, staring at Nate. Nate grins and runs a finger down all the names, the legacies that Sid is now a part of - again. Nate cups the ridged edge of the bowl and Sid starts to pant. "Fuck, Nate."

Nate looks up at Sid and Sid tilts in to kiss him, even with partiers still around. Nate leans back and takes his hand off the cup. "Upstairs, sweetheart."

Sid nods breathlessly and Nate opens the door for him. Nate squints in confusion at first, the floor of Sid's house is moving - 

He whips out his phone and turns on the flashlight. About 24 people are all sleeping in Sid's living room, dining room and kitchen. There are people on almost every surface and about 6 of them complain when Nate shines his flashlight at them. 

"Turn that fucking thing off whoever that is." someone groans and Nate does as he is told.

Sid and Nate carefully pick their way over the drunk sleeping bodies and make it to the stairs without incident.

"Hopefully no one is in our bed." Nate whispers, remembering Prague. Sid snorts.

Sid's room is thankfully free and Nate flops back on the bed while Sid carefully puts the cup down. He pads over and locks the bedroom door and Nate is instantly nervous. He sits up. Sid also can't seem to meet his eyes and the heat from earlier is gone, replaced with insecurity. Nate lets Sid pace a bit but holds out a hand. Sid notices Nate’s hand and eventually takes it with a deep breath. Nate rubs his thumbs against Sid's pulse point and pulls him gently closer to him. 

"We don't have to Sid." Nate whispers. 

Sid shakes his head. "No, god Nate. I want to."

Nate smiles at Sid's conviction, "Still think you're going to Hell?"

Sid looks up at him and meet his eyes with steely resolve. "Absolutely. But not because of this."

Nate pulls his arm down kisses him hard. Sid moans and pushes Nate back against the bed. 

"I've been on edge all goddamn day about this -"

Nate gasps a laugh as Sid licks into his mouth. "Me too, Jesus."

Sid pulls off his blue 2009 hoodie that smells like beer and sweat and Nate resolves to hide that thing from him if ever he wins the cup again. "It's a testament to how much I love you that I'll let you fuck me after you've been wearing that all night."

Sid bites at Nate's collarbone and his head spins. Sid starts to mutter something against Nate's skin as he tears Nate's shorts off. Nate at first just grins, assuming Sid is grumbling about his hoodie comment but then he catches him growl something about Classified. 

He bursts out a laugh. "Sid!"

"He was looking at you -"

"He's straight, Sid! Besides," Nate weaves his hands into Sid's hair and makes him look at his face. "I'm here. With you. Fuck, Sid. I'm crazy about you - like I'd try anything with anyone else."

Sid nods, his pupils blown and Nate runs his hands down his face. "You're mine." Sid breathes.

Nate nods.

Sid pins him to the bed and Nate wrestles Sid's shorts off. "Make me yours. Fuck me, claim me -"

Sid makes an almost inhuman sound and it's on. Nate scrambles for the lube and Sid sucks his dick into his mouth, his hands running restlessly up and down Nate's thighs.

Nate catches one of Sid's hands and pours a ton of lube onto his fingers. "Slow, sweetheart. Open me up for your cock."

Sid nods against his thigh and Nate can see a flash of Sid's single minded determination in his eyes. Nate grins.

Sid brushes his hole and Nate slams his eyes shut.

"Nate, babe - tell me what to do -"

Nate nods up at the ceiling and gasps for breath. "Start with one, slow."

Sid gently presses one finger in, just the first knuckle and Nate groans. It hurts, but only a little. Nate has had worse. It mostly just feels strange. 

He blinks hard and Sid crawls up his body, keeping his finger inside Nate and kisses him heavily. Nate whimpers as Sid distracts him with dirty kisses while he moves his further in. Nate breaks away from Sid to pant up at the roof.

Slowly, slowly, Sid opens Nate up. Nate talks him through it, when to add another finger, how to crook his fingers to find that bundle of nerves. Once Sid finds it, three fingers gently nudging the spot, Nate nearly yells. Sid claps a hand over his mouth - the house is full of people - and Nate groans against his palm.

Sid smirks and presses on it again. Sheets of colour erupt behind Nate's eyelids and he writhes on the bed. "Fuck me, please - Sid" he starts to babble like an absolute cock slut and he literally doesn't give two shits about it. 

"Jesus, Nate - you look..." Sid bites at the hinge of his jaw, "I need, I need to - "

Nate grips Sid's hair and makes eye contact with him. "Fuck me. Now."

Sid groans, withdrawing his hand and lines himself up, applying more lube. "Let me know if it hurts." he whispers.

Nate nods and braces himself.

As soon as Sid presses in, Nate is lost. He's aware that it hurts a bit, but he simultaneously feels like he's floating and like his veins have turned into molten lava. Nate isn't a virgin but in a way this is like losing his virginity again. He gasps hard against Sid's mouth and tries to fight back the tears that prick his eyes. He doesn't want anyone else to do this with him. It has to be Sid. Of course it has to be Sid. Of course it is Sid right now, cradling him, trusting him - experiencing this with him for the very first time.

Sid gets as far deep as he can and they breathe together, eyes flicking over each other's faces. Something momentous is happening right now that seems impossible to describe. Nate can see Sid's wonder, his love on his face and Nate is sure Sid can see it reflected back on Nate's. Sid smiles softly as he thumbs away a tear that leaks down to Nate's temple.

Nate doesn't have the words so he surges up and kisses Sid, nodding that he's okay, this is okay. Sid starts to move.

Nate arches back against the mattress with a high sound and Sid bites his earlobe, breathing hard in his ear. He seems to gain a little bit of confidence as Nate relaxes more and he starts to hit that spot inside of Nate that makes him breathless with every couple of thrusts. Sid snakes a hand down between them and starts to stroke Nate in time with his hips and Nate keens in appreciation. With his other hand, Sid weaves their hands together on the duvet, his thumb rubbing over the inside of Nate's wrist as he pins it to the fabric. 

The pleasure is different; hotter, heavier. Nate feels so full. He can almost feel Sid - like they are one entity. He can feel Sid’s  heartbeat, his breaths, his pleasure, separate and different than Nate’s. Sid whispers his name repeatedly in his ears like it’s the only word he knows and Nate can’t believe this is happening. His idol, his friend. Holding him as tight as he possibly can, making love to him shamelessly. His heartbeat is deafening in his ears and the rest of the room he is absolutely blind to, only seeing snippets - Sid's tanned shoulders, the colour of his eyes, a small scar on his face from a puck that he got years ago.

Sid times a twist of his wrist with a sharp thrust to Nate's prostate and Nate is suddenly there.

"Sid, I'm going -"

"Me too, Nate...Nate -"

Nate holds Sid as close as he possibly can even though Sid is literally as close as he can be and Sid drives in hard once, twice, and comes. 

He can feel it happen, the feeling wonderfully strange and new. As more tears leak from Nate's eyes, he lets go of any tension in his body and like a rubber band snapping back into place, he follows Sid over the edge with a hoarse cry.

Lights burst behind his eyelids and he is aware of Sid kissing his face - his cheek, his temple as he gasps for air and floats. Sid's arms buckle and he collapses onto Nate in a heap, smearing Nate's come between their bellies.

Nate snorts and slaps Sid's back. "Sid - ow. Sweetheart - "

Sid is trembling but rolls off of Nate, pulling out with a whine. The loss of Sid's dick is followed by a rush of hot wetness in Nate's ass and he wriggles at the feeling. It's strange, a bit uncomfortable, but hot as fuck. Nate gets the rather inappropriate thought of wanting to plug it, to hold it inside himself for as long as possible. He snorts at himself. Maybe a bit too kinky for that yet, Nathan.

Sid flops onto his back and tries to catch his breath, his eyes closed. Nate scoots over and kisses his shoulder, his arms, tracing Sid's stomach and chest in gratitude. Sid is still shaking a bit, but Nate knows from experience that he will come down in a few minutes. Nate waits him out.

With a gasp, Sid comes back to himself after a minute or two, "Jesus Christ, I saw stars there - holy fuck."

Nate laughs against his skin. "That was okay?"

Sid shakes his head with a huff. "Yeah, safe to say Nate. That was more than okay."

Nate tucks a grin against his chest. Sid reaches up and tunnels his hands through Nate's hair. "Well worth the wait." he whispers and Nate nods in agreement.

They eventually peel themselves off of each other and clean up using Sid's ensuite. Nate totally forgot about the cup in the room and as they are climbing back into bed Nate watches it gleam in the low light. 

"Do you think Bettman has a camera installed on the cup?" Nate whispers. "Cause if so, he just got a free show - "

Sid giggles and smacks him. 

X

The next day of Sid's turn with the cup, Sid stopped by the hockey school before the Cole Harbour parade with Nate and a few other Penguins that aren't too hungover to show the kids the cup and the Conn Smythe.

Nate is wearing sunglasses inside and his head is pounding but he's so happy he could burst. His ass is a little sore, he's not too proud to admit, but he feels...different. It's probably all in his head but he feels settled, confident. Last night was a dream. Nate wants to do it again. He wants to do it a million more times. 

He watches Sid battle his own hangover and smile down at the kids with the cup as they scream too loud at him in an echoey rink.

The parade is hot and loud and Nate's headache gets worse in the bright summer sunshine but Sid is beautiful on the back of that white pickup truck so it makes up for it. Nate watches by the side of the road with his family, his hands in his pockets and flying under the radar of the many media outlets that are here to capture Sid's hometown parade. He doesn't want any attention on him, this should be about Sid. Sid spots Sarah first and cranes his head, looking for Nate in the thousands of people crowded the streets. Nate grins. When Sid meets his eyes, Nate laughs and raises a shy hand in a wave. Sid's face splits into a huge grin and he blushes ever so slightly. Nate's stomach swoops. That's the love of his life, getting sunburnt in the sun with sore forearms from carrying that heavy ass trophy around for over 24 hours. That's his, he belongs to him.

His mom links their arms together and leans her head on Nate's shoulder. "Can you believe it?" she asks over the noise of the crowd. Nate shakes his head with a smile and Sid has to look away, laughing. "Yeah, mom. I can."

The party people in Sid's house are lounging by the lake when they get back, sipping caesars and mimosas trying to sober up enough to do it all again. They are all surprisingly respectful, cleaning up the kitchen after they made the world's most giant greasy breakfast and using all Sid's dishes to feed the small army of hungover people. 

Sid plops the cup onto the dock and they spend the rest of the afternoon with everyone enjoying the warm July day before the boat ride later that evening. Nate sneaks away for a nap upstairs in Sid's room and Sid eventually joins him after the appropriate amount of socializing has happened. Nate wakes up to Sid positioning the cup in between them on the bed and tucking it under the covers. Nate blinks in confusion at the fucking Stanley Cup in their bed but when he understands, he chuckles. 

The paddle wheeler is more subdued than last night but everyone on board does get absolutely wasted, Sid maybe more than anyone. 

Nate says goodbye to their friends and families and hires a cab to take them home, Sid still clutches the cup while the cabbie ogles the huge trophy in the backseat of his car. Nate tips him well and helps Sid out of the cab, walking slowly down their driveway in the dark. 

"You're going to win it someday Nate." Sid whispers.

Nate nods, "I hope so." 

X

A truth that Nate is beginning to hate about life is that all summers end.

Nate wants to live in a world of only Augusts.  

To be fair, the last month of summer does go blessedly slow and they are able to retreat to their more normal lives without so much outside influence. They golf, train, make brown rice and sweet potatoes, swim everyday and hang out with their sisters. 

The World Cup of Hockey contacted them both earlier in the summer to participate in their tournament in Toronto in September. Sid was asked to Captain Team Canada (again) and Nate was asked to play in the U23 Team North America. They wouldn't be playing together, but they are scheduled to have pre-tournament games in Pittsburgh before the games start. Sid was apprehensive at first with it being so close to the start of the season but Nate, like last time, convinces him.

"It's a few more weeks together Sid." Nate pleads.

Sid sighs and casts another line. They both watch the bobber fly over the lake's surface and splash down in the middle of the inlet. Sid shakes his head, "We are hardly going to see each other. We are on different teams, sometimes different cities."

Nate reels in his line and is quiet. Sid's right, but Nate wants to hang on to every piece of summer he can get. "But you'll be in Pittsburgh." he argues softly.

Sid nods slowly. Nate huffs, "So I want to be in Pitt too."

A slow soft smile graces Sid's face and he shakes his head. "You're so embarrassing."

Nate kicks the leg of Sid's lawn chair hard enough that the leg gives out. Sid keels over the small bank with a yell, nearly rolling into the lake.

Nate feels bad for two seconds but then he's laughing hysterically. "Sid, fuck - you okay?"

Sid is sprawled out in the dirt by the shore and wheezing his outrageous laugh. "You asshole!"

Nate slides down the bank to help him up but Sid kicks his legs out wide, clamping them around Nate's waist with his superhuman strength. Nate tries to pry him off, but in a truly impressive move, Sid twists Nate's waist hard and Nate buckles, collapsing on top of him.

Sid's leg grip only tightens and Nate is simultaneously impressed and horribly turned on. Nate tries to shove Sid's face away and Sid rolls them, slamming Nate onto his back and pinning Nate's wrists to the dirt, his legs still constricting Nate's torso. Nate blinks up at him, breathless.

Sid smirks and grinds against Nate's half-hard dick. "You are an asshole." Sid breathes.

"Play for Canada." Nate gasps, quickly losing himself in the molten gold in Sid's eyes.

Sid searches his face, his intelligent eyes running gently over Nate's face.

"Okay."

X

Chapter Text

For the first time come September, Sid and Nate board a plane together.

They sit together on the plane and listen to Classified's music while Sid scowls at Nate as he sings along. Nate just giggles and pokes at him, while Sid jabs him away. Eventually Sid pulls up some real estate listings for the Pittsburgh area and pours over them with Nate, asking for his opinion.

Sid is planning on selling his apartment and buying an actual house in one of the nicer suburbs of Pittsburgh. It's a little bittersweet, Nate has some good memories in that place now, but Sid needs a home. Besides, Nate always privately thought that the apartment never really suited Sid anyways so he happily listens as Sid goes into excruciating detail about each place.

When they land, the paparazzi are there at the arrival gate and follow Sid fairly aggressively, shouting questions about the tournament, about his summer and about the cup. Sid ducks his head and pulls his Stanley Cup Champions hat low over his face while Nate tries to block a few of the more aggressive photographers from getting a clear shot. Speed is their best friend in situations like that so they practically sprint through the airport, grabbing a taxi out on the street and arranging for their luggage to be picked up later.

Once safely in the apartment, they do some research on their teams. Sid uses the TV and Nate uses Sid's laptop and armed with pens and paper, they watch games, highlight reels, other analyst panels and take notes. Sid sometimes will pause the game, call Nate over to watch something and Nate will do the same. Sid starts to draft some potential plays and Nate does the same, even if their ideas never come to fruition, it's helpful.

Afterwards Sid makes them salmon and brown rice (again, Sid tries to spice it up to make it a little different for his own sake) and they compare their notes over dinner. 

Nate is explaining how Sweden's left forward line is weak because their centre has an old shoulder injury and Sid watches him with a small smile. Nate blinks. "What?"

Sid shakes his head, still with a smile. "Nothing."

Nate shrugs and moves on.

After dinner Sid forces them to put their notes away and he opens a bottle of red wine. Nate groans with a laugh, running his hands down his face. "You're trying to seduce me!" he accuses.

Sid shrugs, pouring him a generous glass. "Yes." he says.

Nate blushes but smiles at his honesty. 

Sid raises his glass and Nate clinks their glasses together. "Happy birthday, Nate." Sid says quietly.

Nate gets up and kisses Sid soundly against the kitchen counter. "Thank you, sweetheart."

"I don't have to buy you American booze anymore." Sid whispers against Nate's lips.

"Still a cradle robber though, love - "

Sid bites his lips and Nate laughs, cupping Sid's face and deepening their kiss. Sid makes a weak sound and Nate plasters himself to Sid's front. He can feel Sid start to stir in his pants and Nate responds in kind, pressing his cock against Sid's shamelessly. They make out heavily in the kitchen, both tasting like their dinner and allowing the heat to build slowly. It isn't until Sid starts to bite at Nate's lips while dragging a hand down the front of Nate's pants that the tone shifts.

"Fais-moi l'amour - " Nate has no idea where the French came from but Sid clearly appreciates it, groaning loudly and grabbing Nate's ass. Nate grinds hard against him and Sid pants against Nate's collarbone. Nate bites at his neck and drags his blunt nails down Sid's back. Nate smiles, whispers "Fais-moi jourir sur ta bite seule."

Sid shoves him backwards and Nate stumbles back, confused. Sid is gasping for air, his eyes closed and looks so fucking debauched it's obscene. His plush lips are swollen red, a deep flush makes his tanned skin even darker. 

"Sid?"

"I'm going to come - shut up." Sid bites out as he tries to heave in lungfuls of air.

Nate laughs. "Ah."

Nate picks up his abandoned wine glass and tries the wine while Sid desperately tries to calm down. Nate watches him struggle with an amused smile.

Sid blinks hard a few times and looks over at Nate once he's composed enough. Nate snorts, "You good?'

Sid crosses over to Nate and takes the wine glass out of his hands. "Nate...Nate -"

Sid's phone rings. Nate laughs against Sid's mouth. "You going to get that?"

"No!" 

Nate pulls his head back with a snort, "Sid -"

Sid glares at Nate and rips the ringing phone out of his pocket. A complicated mess of emotions crosses his face when Sid reads the caller ID. Nate ducks his head and tries to touch Sid's arm but Sid steps away - out of Nate's space. 

Sid meets his eyes and swallows.

Nate understands with a hollow ache. He nods and steps away from Sid. 

Sid swipes to answer. "Hey, Kath."

Nate blinks the hurt away and quietly starts on the dishes. Sid wanders to the office room and softly shuts the door.

Nate pours his glass of wine down the sink.

X

Warm arms wrap around Nate's body and he hums, shifting on the bed to allow Sid more room.

"Goodnight, Nate." Sid whispers in the dark, "Happy birthday."

Nate pretends to be asleep but folds Sid's arms tighter around himself.

X

Team North America is staying at a local Pittsburgh hotel for the two days of pre-tournament and the expectation from management is that Nate is there with them. They need to build chemistry quick which is always a challenge in such a short tournament as this. Besides, staying with Sid would be suspicious as hell not matter how good of "buddies" they are. Sid's World's team is here too but since Sid lives here, he isn't required to stay with them in the hotel. Sid drops him off at the hotel where Team North America are staying with his gear and his various duffles and Nate tries not to feel the pain in his chest.

"See you in Toronto?" Nate asks as he stands in the open passenger door.

Sid nods, his eyes hidden by his sunglasses, a dark ball cap low over his face. "Please. I - " he chokes on the words but Nate understands.

Nate smiles weakly. "Me too. Good luck, sweetheart."

Sid nods again, and Nate closes the door. He wrestles with his bags and turns at the exact right time to see Sid drive off, out of sight down the crowded Pittsburgh street. 

A lot of the NA guys are in the hotel lobby when he gets inside. He gets a few smiles and waves that he returns half-heartedly. Connor McDavid is there and he claps Nate into a one-armed hug and Nate forces a smile. "Hey captain." 

Connor blushes. Connor was the no-brainer pick for Team North America's captaincy. He's technically two years younger than Nate but has the misfortune of being an early January 1997 baby, messing up his entry into the League to be later, despite his skill. Another Canadian All-Star from Richmond Hill, Ontario, Connor was now the youngest captain ever (surpassing Gabe) in the League at only 19 years of age. Sid and Nate have obviously played against him when facing the Oilers a few times already and like they predicted, he was inhuman on the ice. The speed with which he moves is unheard of - ever - in the League's history. His game is a testament to just how fast the NHL has gotten, and from the looks of things, it was only going to get faster. 

Off the ice, he's pretty quiet. A bit twitchy. Competitive, but young still. The whispers from sportscasters and the media call him the new Messiah, Connor McJesus. They had heard that phrase this summer on the TV playing an old SportsNet panel while Nate was doing his PT for his knee on the rug. Nate remembers Sid frowning at the TV when the commentators all laughed at the joke. At first, Nate thought Sid was jealous which isn't like him, but Sid shook his head. "Poor kid." was all he said.

Nate checks into his room that he is sharing with Murray and gets added to the team group chat. All of the guys, like Murray and Connor, Nate knows or at the very least he has played against them all. Jo is playing with him for the first time in a very long time and Nate is thrilled. They still practice together in the off-season sometimes and Nate wants to try some things that they work on in this tournament together.

Jo stops by his room to grab him and they head out to the rink to start their first round of practice. Nate watches them all cautiously while participating in the drills. Auston Matthews, an American-born, newly drafted Leaf that Nate has met many times, skates up beside him and yawns. Nate spins around to look at him and he shrugs. "Tired man." Nate fights not to roll his eyes. Auston is talented but always seems stoned. He's not (as far as Nate knows), but him being tired while he's playing for the World Cup is on par for him. He's a damn good player but a bit weird. The rotation changes and Nate takes off after Scheifele on the forecheck. 

"MacKinnon, harder left, force pressure!" McLellan barks and Nate nods, allowing Rielly a go at the drill. Nate was happy to see Todd McLellan again as his coach and he still looks like a mob boss in Nate's opinion. Especially when he's yelling at Nate.

Their team looks good, all things considering. Nate realized last night that he's technically one of the older guys on it at 21 and that was an odd revelation. He pointed that out to Sid and Sid had only looked at him dryly from where he was taking notes in his living room, the unspoken Really? You want to talk about old? At 21? loud in the room.

Being on the Penguins ice and seeing Sid's face everywhere in the rink just gets more and more bizarre to Nate every year. Some of the younger players treat the sheet like hallowed ground and Nate even caught some of them whispering about sneaking into the Penguin's locker room to see Sid's stall. It was hilarious but also strange. Nate is in love with that guy that they are whispering about and Nate is standing right beside them while they conspire, completely oblivious to just how well Nate knows Sid. He's had Sid's dick in his mouth more times than he can count. Sid has held his hand while they had sex. And there is these young hockey players totally ignorant that Sid also happens to be a human being and also happens to belong to one of their centre forwards for this tournament.

Nate shakes his head but snorts a laugh, thankful - again, that no one is a mind reader in the League.

X

Nate kicks the door of his hotel room closed absentmindedly. Murray is still at the rink, doing some goalie nonsense with Helly and Gibson so Nate has the room to himself. He starts to pull off his jacket and pauses, noticing a package on his hotel desk. Inside are over a dozen cupcakes, clearly handmade, spelling out "Happy Birthday!" in wobbly blue and burgundy icing. Nate picks one up carefully, admiring the imperfectness of it, and aches.

He pulls out his phone and prays that Sid is still awake.

Sid answers with a sleepy, "Hi Nate, you okay?"

"Did you make these?" Nate asks.

Sid gets more alert, "Um yeah, they are - shit hang on, I have the recipe written down -" Nate can hear Sid sprint to his kitchen and he smiles.

"Okay, uh - you there?"

Nate laughs, "Yes."

"Okay, they are gluten free, vegan, and sugar free except the letters. I couldn't get anything else to work in the piping so uh, sorry."

Nate snorts.

"Oh and the icing is just coconut cream whip."

"I love you." Nate shakes his head with a laugh.

"I love you too. I'm...sorry. About yesterday."

Nate closes his eyes and sits on the edge of his bed. "It's okay Sid. I knew what I was signing up for."

Sid sighs, "Still."

Nate doesn't know how to respond so he just listens to the sound of Sid's breaths.

Nate picks up the cupcake again and spins it around. "When did you even have time to make these? Weren't you guys at practice today too?"

"I made them last night actually, while you were sleeping." Sid admits a bit proudly and Nate chuckles.

"Thank you, sweetheart."

"Don't thank me yet, put me on speaker and try one - I don't even know if they will be good." Sid rambles and Nate does what he asks and takes a bite.

For being completely good for you, they are actually pretty tasty and Nate laughs in surprise.

"Yeah?" Sid asks tentatively.

Nate nods and swallows, "Yeah."

"Good."

Murray comes in the room and Nate nods at him with a small smile. Murray throws his stuff on his bed and kicks out of his shoes.

"Ah, Murray just got in." Nate tells Sid, "Can I give him a cupcake too?"

Sid snorts, "If he doesn't mind eating sawdust."

Nate rolls his eyes, "They are good, Sid. They don't taste like sawdust."

Murray looks at him confused and Nate just shrugs, refocusing back on Sid.

"Well, thank you. Again. I uh, I really appreciate it man." Nate says softy and Sid huffs at Nate's 'Dude Bro' persona he adopts whenever other guys are around.

"You're welcome. Say hi to Mur for me. Tell him to check the group chat, Flower has a question for him."

Nate nods, "Yep, can do. Night Sid."

"Goodnight Nate." Sid whispers and the line goes dead.

Murray is sitting on the end of his bed, mouth agape and staring at Nate.

Nate does a double take and frowns. "Uh - Murray?"

"Was that Sidney? Sidney Crosby?"

Nate looks down at his phone and his half eaten cupcake, "Uh, yeah...?"

"Did Sidney fucking Crosby make you fucking cupcakes?" Murray stands and peers into the box. Nate, strangely protective of his lovely little cupcakes, shields them from Murray's view. "Yeah man, I guess. It was my birthday yesterday - "

Murray makes a strange sound, "And you have his number? He calls you?"

Nate starts to look wildly around the room, is he missing something? What is going on? "Yeah man, we talk almost every day."

Murray stands and starts to shake his head. "How the actual fuck did you manage that?"

"Mur, for Christ's sake I have no idea what you are talking about - "

"Sid doesn't give out his number, Mack. Ever. Rookies have to wait like 4 years? I think? On the team to even get added to the group chat with Sid's actual number in it. We know he looks at messages somehow but his number is blocked," Murray whips out his phone and thumbs to the Penguins large text chain, "Here - look."

Nate squints at the contacts lists and sure enough 'No ID' is there in big black letters.

"I was talking with Phaneuf and you know that all the captains have their big group chat right?" Nate nods apprehensively. "Okay, well Phaneuf was talking about how Sid's number isn't in there either." Murray runs a hand through his hair and looks at Nate a little unhinged. "The captains, Mack. They don't even have his number!"

"Gabe has his, they've talked before!"

"Crosby probably called Landy! He has all of theirs but no one has his!"

Nate swallows. Sid called Gabe that night because of Nate. To check on him.

"Yeah - " he says weakly.

"And!" Murray carries on, over Nate, "He went to maybe Geno's cup party and Tanger's? Maybe? He didn't go to anyone else's."

"He saw Tanger the day before, but he didn't attend the cup party. He didn't go to G's - his big one was in Russia." Nate softly corrects on autopilot. 

Murray makes a strangled sound and throws his phone on his bed. "Dude."

Nate shakes his head and levels Murray with a stare that he hopes looks a bit intimidating. "What, Murray? You play with him for fuck's sake, sometimes you see him more than I do! And he's my best friend!"

Murray, Nate reminds himself maybe too late, is a Stanley Cup Champion now. He's only a year older than Nate and has stared down the very best of the NHL in the hardest sporting competition in the world as a goalie and came out on top. Murray explodes, "He's Sidney fucking Crosby! Nobody is just friends with Sidney Crosby!" 

Nate rubs a hand over his face. "I don't know what to tell you man."

Murray just looks at Nate long and hard. "Why you?" he says so quietly that Nate almost doesn't hear him.

Nate shakes his head. He still has no idea.

The heat kicks on in their room and Nate sighs. "Do you want a cupcake? They are gluten free, sugar free and vegan."

Murray looks despairingly into the box. "That sounds fucking awful."

Nate snorts, "They are actually pretty good. Sid was worried they'd taste like sawdust."

Murray laughs a bit manically and holds out a hand. "Sure. I'll try the terrible cupcakes that two time Olympic Champion, two time Stanley Cup Champion - "

"Mur!" Nate interrupts, "Just eat the cupcake!"

They do, mostly in silence, Murray still clearly deep in thought. After a while, he hesitatingly asks, "What is he like, man?" like Murray doesn't see Sid almost more than Nate does. Like Murray isn't a Stanley Cup Champion and instead is still a young, wide-eyed kid from Canada - just another hockey player obsessed with Sidney Crosby.

Nate smiles - warmth, longing, and love crowding up his throat and making his words too quiet in the small hotel room. "He's..." he clears his throat. "He's a bit of an asshole sometimes." 

Murray barks a surprised laugh. Nate snorts taking the last bite of his cupcake. "He's smart. Like really smart. Smarter than people realize I think. Funny. Stubborn as hell."

He sighs, balling up the cupcake wrapper and looking out the window at Pittsburgh. "Kind. Patient."

He can't look at Murray.

"A bit of a weirdo."

Murray snorts and Nate is able to look at him again. He's smiling and rolling his own cupcake wrapper around in his hands. "It's just...wild man. That you get to see that."

Nate nods, swallowing. "I know."

There is another long pause and Nate gets up to throw his wrapper in the trash, holding his hand out for Murray's as he stands. 

"Oh, by the way. Sid says to answer Flower in the group chat." 

Murray makes a hysterical sound behind him, cocking his head back to the roof, likely praying for strength, "Yeah - sure."

X

Team North America moves on to Quebec and Team Canada moves over to Toronto. They played around each other's schedules in Pittsburgh and Nate didn't see Sid once, too busy focusing on his new team and trying to build chemistry before their first pre-tournament matchup against Team Europe. Sid does the same.

They beat Team Europe easily 4 - 0 in Quebec City and then again 7 - 4 in their next game against them. Their following pre-tournament game was against the Czechs and they lose, but not badly, 3 - 2.

Their team is fast, young but inexperienced. Nate is just as fast, just as young but out of many of them, has the most international play experience so he finds himself becoming a bit weary with the younger players not understanding the rules of international hockey. The IIHF in Prague win is still legendary, so Nate and the veterans of that game get treated with a little more respect. That all seems to change when after a bad give away during the Czech game, Nate's temper gets the best of him and he snaps waspishly at Jack Eichel. After that, the guys seem to respect and fear him, giving him a wide berth except Jo. Jo just gives him that look that basically translates to 'cool it' for Jo speak and Nate grits his teeth and tries to ignore it, cursing himself.

Connor is a very different captain than Sid or even than Gabe. He's more critical, but not in a mean way. More in a frustrated, I-can-see-the-game-like-this-so-why-don't-you kind of way. Nate is getting used to him but for some of the other guys it's tougher. Nate is used to Sid's exceptional hockey IQ and Connor's understanding of the game is similar. Not on the same level as Sid's, but familiar in a few ways so Nate can keep up well enough. The youngest guys on the team struggle though, lacking the veteran understanding of the game that only comes from hundreds of games played.

They move on to Toronto to the official start of the tournament.

X

For the regular tournament, they are stationed at a hotel with Team Canada, Team Russia, Team USA and Team Finland in Toronto. Many of the World's players are in the large ballroom of the hotel when they arrive for tournament registration and teammates are reunited, friends, in some cases family. It's loud, hot and disorderly with over 100 hockey players in one room but jubilant. Matty tackles Nate almost to the ground and Nate laughs and hugs him back. O'Reilly is behind him and hugs them both, chirping Matty for being so unhinged in the Fairmont that he will have to call Security. Jo's recent outcrop of acne gets chirped by the guys and Jo takes it in stride, always good-natured. Giroux passing by gives Nate a bit of a bitchy look even though they were teammates in Prague. Him and Sid recently have had a bit of beef with one another, rival teams and all that. Nate ignores him - not his battle. Marchy blows Nate a sarcastic kiss and Nate rolls his eyes with a laugh. G is chatting with Getzlaf but grins toothily at Nate when Nate waves. Carey Price and Patrice Bergeron, both legends, say hi to them and Nate waves back awkwardly, face aflame. Matty laughs at his face. 

"Man, for being best friends with Crosby you are so, so painfully lame."

The air moves. The room feels different.

O'Reilly laughs, "Oh hey! Speak of the devil!" 

Nate can feel him and he turns. Sid smiles at O'Reilly with his huge wrinkled nose grin before he looks at Nate. Nate releases a breath with a smile and Sid steps up and hugs Nate. It's only been just over a week but coming off of summer always means that Nate misses him like a physical thing. He resists the urge to burrow his nose in Sid's neck and concentrates on trying to breathe normally.

"Hey man. Good to see you." Nate murmurs in Sid's ear and Nate can feel Sid's hold tighten slightly before he releases him. 

"You too." Sid says maybe a bit too tenderly.

As the teams get registered and start to blend together, it gets more haphazard and loud. The registration volunteers pack up and everyone is still in the ballroom, laughing and talking for over an hour until their coaches and the World Cup staff have to come and break them up, sending them upstairs to bed like children.

Nate says goodbye to some of his friends and wishes them luck. They slap him on the back and on the ass and hoot and holler "True north strong and free baby!"

As the guys start to file out, Sid quietly speaks, "Nate - "

Nate knows that there are about a hundred people around but he doesn't give a shit. He hugs Sid hard.

Nate swallows through a thick throat and tucks his face against Sid's neck. "Good luck. I'll be watching every game."

Sid huffs a weak laugh, "I'll try to get you another one."

Nate snorts. "I have no doubt, sweetheart."

They walk to the doors of the ballroom with everyone else and Sid brushes his hand once as they cross the threshold.

They get into an elevator with a bunch of guys and Sid steps off on the third floor. He glances back only once at Nate as the doors close. When the lift starts to move again, Nate feels like someone is peeling Sid out of his skin. It almost hurts. 

Jo nudges his side, looking at his face. "Ça va?"

Nate just shrugs, not sure what to say.

He keys into his hotel room he is sharing with Seth Jones on the seventh floor. Murray found himself stationed with the other goalies for the rest of the tournament and Seth is tentatively playing on Nate's set so the management wanted them to build some rapport together off the ice. He is spread out on one of the beds scrolling through his phone.

"Hey, First Pick." he chirps without looking up. Nate is not in the fucking mood so he ignores him. Seth raises his eyebrows. 

Seth was in Europe with them on that crazy night with all of those Americans on board The Disciple but Nate has known him for longer, or at least known of him for longer. He's American, so they didn't play in the same Leagues, but he was seriously considered to be a First Overall Pick for the draft in 2013. Nate, of course, ended up being the First Pick, and Seth ended up fourth, signing with the Predators where he still plays to this day. The Avalanche was always the team that Seth was gunning for too, to add insult to injury. Sakic and Seth's dad became unlikely friends and Sakic basically taught Seth how to skate while they lived in Denver. When the Avalanche won the cup in 2001, Seth was there, cheering them on with his family. Nate going first in the draft, being assigned to the team that Seth adored and Seth (who likes to remind Nate) being more consistent in points than him since they both signed add up to a bit of a frosty relationship. Seth isn't a bad guy, but it's clear Nate isn't his favourite.

In other words, sometimes Nate can tolerate him. In Europe, they were off season, they had just won, Josi was a good buffer and they only spent about 24 hours together in total. It was fine, Nate could handle him.

Seth scoffs, "Man, who fucked you dry tonight?"

Then again, sometimes he can not. 

"Fuck off, Jones." Nate snarls.

Seth sits up and raises his hands, "Jeez, okay. Tell Crosby to use lube next time."

White hot rage battles with the icy grips of Nate's panic. He stares at Seth. He can't possibly know -

Nate growls and just shakes his head. He's not going there. He can't risk Sid's reputation. But if guys are starting to notice...

His anger taps aggressively on his brain and his ears sound like the ocean crashing against a rocky shore line. He pulls off his travel suit and storms to the ensuite to take a long shower.

X

SC: That goal was so beautiful

SC: Fuck Nate

SC: Against Sweden. Lundqvist. Only one of the best tendies alive right now

SC: I can't stop watching it

X

"So...we didn't win?" Jo asks carefully.

McLellan and Jon Cooper, one of their Assistant Coaches, shake their heads.

Nate is still panting from his shift, the game literally just ended. They are in the locker room, the tournament is over. For them.

They won their game. And yet...

Johnny Gaudreau, usually a quiet, pretty even-tempered guy erupts, "But we fucking won!"

Coop is about to say something but McLellan talks over him. "We needed to win in regulation."

"That's fucking bullshit - " someone mutters under their breath and Nate pulls his helmet off, resigned. 

Connor is pissed and stands in the middle of the room, still fully dressed. He narrows his eyes at McLellan. "You never told us that we had to win in regulation."

McLellan levels Connor with a terrifying stare. "No, because I figured you guys would have been able to handle it in regular time."

Jack Eichel points furiously at Nate. "So MacKinnon's beautiful fucking goal in OT was for nothing then?"

Coop finally gets an edge in, "It will depend on how Russia plays out - "

"Fuck that!" Gibson spits, "We all know that Canada is going to fucking win and knock Russia out! They have Crosby!"

"Russia has Ovi - "

The room erupts and Nate starts to pick the tape off of his socks. His anger is quickly building, he needs to not be here. His hands start to shake.

Breathe. What did Marie say - breathe. Be present. What can I control?

It helps but it's not helping enough. Being present doesn't really feel good when your present is a locker room full of pissed off guys.

He closes his eyes and pictures that PEI beach. The feeling of the sand, the wind. He blinks and he's on a boat under the stars in Monte Carlo, laughing against Sidney Crosby's mouth. 

"Fucking enough!" 

Everyone shuts up and looks over at Nate. It takes a second to understand that he was the one who shouted.

He heaves a deep breath and shakes his head. "It's over, it's done. We lost. Nothing we can do about it now."

Jo furrows his brow, about to argue and Nate snaps, "What, do you want to cry about it? Throw a tantrum? We didn't have all the information -" at that he does shoot a glare at McLellan, "but it's done." He pulls off his ugly as hell grey and white jersey and shrugs. "It is what it is."

A few more guys start to bitch but they all know Nate is right. They retreat to their stalls and start to undress.

Nate tries to tamp his own anger, his own disappointment down. He is mad, make no mistake, McLellan really fucked up not telling them all the information but he meant what he said. 

He picks up his phone, mostly as a distraction and sees Sid's texts. A small smile grows on his face but then it's quickly lost.

NM: We are out

He puts his phone down and pulls off his shoulder pads, hanging them up and starts on his skates. After about a minute his phone buzzes beside him on the bench of his stall.

SC: What do you mean?

SC: You won?

Nate shakes his head. So Sid didn't know either.

NM: It needed to be in regulation. So we are out

There is a tense moment of silence as Sid does the math of their games won and lost. Nate's phone buzzes again.

SC: No fucking way. There is no way!

NM: It's an elimination tournament Sid

SC: That's fucking bullshit

SC: Your goal!

NM: I know

SC: You okay?

Nate swallows.

NM: Not really. Pissed. We could have gone further but I guess it's done

He puts his phone down and showers. When he comes back, Sid answered him.

SC: I'm sorry Nate

SC: Fuck that sucks

SC: That goal already made me come if it's any consolation 

Nate breathes a laugh.

NM: Youre so easy sweetheart I can read you like a book

SC: Did you get that goal for me? Just so I can get off watching your hands move like that?

Holy shit, Nate is surrounded by guys right now he can't do this.

He does it anyway.

NM: My hands hey?

SC: Yes

SC: God this whole tournament Nate. Unbelievable. You were incredible

Nate flushes and fidgets, unsure how to take the compliment.

NM: Still lost though love

SC: Doesn't fucking matter

SC: Come to my room tonight?

Heat crawls up Nate's spine and he hurriedly pulls on pants to try to minimize how much of a half-mast he's already sporting at Sid's words.

NM: Your roommate?

SC: I don't have a roommate ;)

Nate has never seen Sid use an emoji before and he laughs out loud. Jo shoots him a weird look but no one else notices his outburst.

NM: Guess it helps being Sidney Crosby

SC: So yes?

NM: Please

X

Sid peers down the hallway of the hotel's third floor when Nate knocks on the door. Nate nods and Sid steps aside, looking one more time down the hall as Nate enters his room.

Sid's bed is perfectly made, his belongings carefully organized and affection blooms across Nate's face. "I've never seen your hotel room on the road before." he touches the corner of one of Sid's duffels.

"The guys used to make fun of me for how anal I am." Sid rolls his eyes and bumps into Nate's side. Sid thinks for a moment and then amends. "G, Tanger, Flower and Rust still do." Nate nods. Sid is particular for sure but Nate kind of likes it. He knows what to expect with Sid.

Nate smiles down at him as Sid rests against his side. It has been strange being in the same hotel, in the same city as Sid and never seeing him. There had been nights where Nate couldn't get over the fact that Sid was here - he was right there, a few floors down - and Nate couldn't see him except on a TV screen. It was surreal. Frustrating.

Nate tucks his nose into Sid's hair and smells his Old Spice shampoo that he likes.

"Hi." Nate breathes.

Sid kisses his shoulder with a small smile. "Hello."

The heaviness of the loss sweeps through Nate and he turns properly to hug Sid. 

"I'm so sorry babe." Sid murmurs in Nate's neck.

Nate sighs, "It is what it is I guess."

Sid hums and lets Nate hold him for a moment. Sid rubs circles in Nate's hipbones and leans back to look at Nate's face. "Dinner? I know a place here that is super good -"

"You don't need to look after me Sid, I'm fine." Nate shakes his head.

"I know, I just..." Sid shrugs and looks down at the carpeted hotel room floor. "I want to take you out."

Nate allows a grin to creep across his face. "No need, sweetheart. I don't know if you've noticed but I'm a sure thing -"

Sid snorts and kisses him. "Let me change, I'll buy you dinner."

Nate kisses him before Sid can move away and his hands creep up Sid's Team Canada shirt. "Ah, Nate - Jesus your hands are cold -"

There is the sound of loud voices in the hall and Nate pulls away from Sid. Sid pulls his shirt down and looks expectantly at the door. Sure enough -

"Crosby! Get that fat ass out here we are going to dinner!" Marchy's loud voice declares and Nate can hear at least three other guys yapping in the hall with him, complaining about BioSteel's new drink. Sid looks at Nate and Nate swallows and nods.

Sid's eyes flick over Nate's face with a small amount of sadness. He moves to the door, opening it.

Marchy stalks into the room like he owns the place and realizes that Nate is there too. His face splits into a grin. "Holy fuck MacKinnon, every time I see you your teeth get more fucked up!"

Nate rolls his eyes, "Marchy - "

Brad Marchand is deep, deep down, a good guy. Nate has now known him for years and with him being a fellow East Coast Canadian, he adds his own flare to the trifecta of Maritimes representation in the NHL.

He's a little shit though.

The other guys with Marchy wander in and Nate nods to Jonathan Toews and Shea Weber, Sid's alternates, along with Bergeron and Getzlaf. 

"Saddle up boys, we are going to dinner. MacKinnon, heard you boys were out - sucks to suck - so might as well go out with a bang, eh?" Marchy slides up to Nate and pokes him in the ribs. "Dinner, drinks, make you forget that your team lost -" 

Nate maneuvers around Marchy's bony ass fingers and growls, "Don't."

Sid's eyes flick to Nate's face to gauge how actually pissed Nate is and Marchy crows at Nate's ire. "You boys needed the experience of seasoned vets like us!"

Nate was never good at comebacks and Marchy knows it. Nate glowers at him and Marchy just snorts. "Fix your hair, it looks like Sid just fucked you while you played pillow princess and then lets go."

Nate's face flames and he can see Sid's hands tense. Shit. That's two comments in less than two weeks, what is going on? Do people know?

He carefully doesn't look at Sid and he fixes his hair.

Marchy gets put in a headlock by his assistant captain, Patrice, and Bergy berates him.

"You're just jealous of their love." he plants a sloppy wet kiss to Marchy's face and Marchy squawks. 

"You big, dumb cun-"

"Admit it!" Bergy laughs.

Marchy wrestles the tall alternate captain of the Bruins off of him and glowers. 

Bergy laughs at his face. "What they have could never touch what we have babe."

Marchy shakes his head at him with a fond smile, but he doesn't deny it.

Nate catches Sid's eyes. They act way more gay than they do...how come no one harasses them? Sid just makes a small movement with his shoulders and shakes his head. 

Getz rolls his eyes, tapping away on his phone. "Okay, holy shit you guys we get it, you fuck. Can we go please?"

X

"People are talking, Sid."

"I know."

"What do we do?"

"Nothing. I guess. They all make comments like that, it doesn't mean anything."

"You don't think...?"

"No. I mean...no. They have no way of knowing."

"Some of the shit that they say..."

"Don't listen to them Nate. They are all assholes if they think that shit is funny."

"It makes me -"

"Angry? Pissed? Trust me, Nate. I know."

"...I'm sorry."

"Don't."

"Don't?"

"Don't be sorry."

"..."

"Ignore it. Don't make it a big deal. Remember Coyle in Monte Carlo?"

"Yeah."

"Deal with it like you dealt with it then. You're fucking incredible when you get like that. Unapologetic. Angry - but for a good reason."

"Okay. What about you?"

"I'll be fine. I've dealt with worse."

"........"

"I'll be okay, babe."

X

Nate is a few drinks in and staring at Marchy.

Marchy is loud, drunk, and neatly curled up under Patrice Bergeron's arm at the bar. Nate can't stop staring at them. Sid is usually sitting beside him, but he went up to get them drinks a little while ago.

It takes him a few minutes to figure out his emotions but when he gets there it's surprising.

He's jealous. 

Nate knows that they likely aren't actually queer, but they carry themselves with just an open, unapologetic affection that Nate craves. As he watches, Bergy whispers something in Marchy's ear that makes him roar with a laugh and clap his hands.

Nate wants that. 

People already (correctly, mind you) assume Sid and Nate are sleeping together, so why not? What's the harm?

Perfect Kathy. Sid's legacy. The fact that Nate would get traded for sure as soon as anyone caught wind of their relationship. Their families. Their teammates. Nate grits his teeth. Too much harm. Theirs is a situation where it is very hard in the end to justify the means, no matter how bad Nate wants to.

Bergy gets up, likely to use the bathroom and Marchy watches him go. 

Toews and Webs are deep in a conversation about the drug testing in Russia and are otherwise occupied. Marchy meets Nate's stare and snorts.

"Take a picture Mack, it will last longer!"

Nate blushes, caught, and picks at the label of his gluten free beer. 

Marchy kicks him lightly under the table. "Hey man, sorry. Didn't mean any of that shit earlier at the room."

Nate shrugs, "It's whatever man. Sid's been getting that shit for years."

Marchy laughs, "Why? Because his lips are made to be wrapped around a cock? Or because his ass is so big it could suffocate Michael Phelps?" 

Nate growls and narrows his eyes at Marchy, fury tapping on his brain. "Fuck you."

Marchy looks at him hard, his beer raised halfway to his mouth. 

"Huh." Marchy says softly.

Nate's anger snaps up his spine. "Marchy - "

"Nathan. Listen." he leans closer across the table. "I don't give a shit. Bergy and I..." he looks over at Webs and Toews and redirects. "It doesn't matter. Trust me. I am a garbage human being but I'm not that kind of garbage human being. Just...trust me."

He looks at Nate with a slightly troubled look. "And maybe...start to uh. Look around." 

Nate has no idea what that means. He swallows and fights the anger down. "You don't know anything about me man."

Marchy leans back and looks at Nate appraisingly. A small smile starts to creep across his face. "No man. I guess I don't." he clinks their beer bottles together and Nate is so confused. 

Bergy slides back in against Marchy's side and the strange conversation is over. Sid follows behind him and settles a respectable distance beside Nate, passing him a shot and another beer.

Sid leans in and talks in his ear. "You okay? You look weird."

Nate nods, glancing up at Marchy as he leans over Bergy to poke at Toews, joking about pee tests.

"Yeah, I'm good."

X

Nate has to explain to the Avalanche management that he doesn't really have an excuse to hang around Toronto, but that he just needs to be here. To cheer on Team Canada. 

It's a dumb reason but no one bats an eye at it. Camp doesn't start for another week and Nate just...isn't ready to let Sid go yet. 

Jo, loyal Jo, stays with Nate with only a shrugged, "It's good hockey. I don't want to miss it."

They tag along to practices and Nate watches the Canada World's team skate, watches as Sid excels as a player, as a captain. Sid knows he's there but he never acknowledges him. Sid is here to win - he promised Nate he would.

Some of the training and drills are actually excellent, Nate more often than not brings along his notebook and takes notes.

For games, him and Jo are up high in the press boxes with hats and dark hoodies, hoping to go unnoticed, chatting quietly in French so as not to be overheard.

Sid will talk over text and they will call each other occasionally but they don't see each other. Nate watches proudly from afar and compliments Sid on certain plays he makes like an omniscient ghost. Sid will ask him questions about what he saw from above, any strategies that would work better and Nate and Jo hash it out with him, shuffling around their notes from the game seated on their hotel room floor.  

As the week goes on, the arena gets fuller. More cameras start to show up, media interviewing Sid right on the ice and the screams from fans become deafening.

Team Canada keeps winning. 

Nate watches as Sid knocks out Alexander Ovechkin and Geno on Team Russia and tunes in to the post-game interviews where they press Sid on the issue. Sid takes it in good grace, complimenting their game and stating the simple fact that they all came here to win. Geno would understand. When someone asks him about Ovechkin a flash of impatience snaps through Sid's eyes, too quick for others to notice but enough that Nate does. 

"He had a good game. It is what it is." Sid simply states with a shrug, echoing Nate's words from a few weeks ago.

Ovechkin and Sid have been compared together since they came in to the league around the same time over 10 years ago. The tired old narrative from the 1980s pitted them against one another from the start; with Sid "The Kid" from Canada and Ovi being the next Russian Great. Sid has told Nate in private that he doesn't mind the Russian superstar, he's used to G's Russian quirks so he gets on fine with Ovi, but he wishes the media would leave them both alone. 

The comparison is a bit stupid. Ovi plays a very different game than Sid does. Other than the fact that they are both legends who started around the same time, they are almost polar opposites, personality-wise and play-wise.

The final game is September 29th and Toronto buzzes with energy. It's cliché, but there is something to be said about hockey nights in Canada. The fever pitch is electric and the downtown is just a write-off with blocked streets, bumper to bumper traffic (which is always bad in Toronto of course) and hordes of people walking around downtown with jerseys and signs ready for Canada to get another win.

Nate and Jo blend in to the crowd and make it up to their box without issue. Jo goes to get them a beer and Nate watches Sid shoot around in the dark with the rest of the team like a shooting star. 

Nate flicks his numb fingers and finds he can't sit down. For the first time, he wishes he was down there. Not with the U23 North American Team, but with Sid. He very well may cost them a game though with how shit Nate is at hockey, but selfishly he wishes he could. 

Jo comes back with their beers and notices Nate's anxiety. He rubs his arm with a quiet, "Tout ira bien. Il va gagner." Nate bumps his shoulder, so thankful that Jo is a beauty and is here with him. 

As the guys are lining up to take the faceoff, Sid looks up. Way, way up. Nate knows when Sid sees him because he goes unnaturally still, eyes fixed on Nate standing, watching. Likely just a dark blob from way down there, but Sid would know the shape of him.

The air whooshes out of Nate's lungs and he smiles.

I love you. I'm proud of you.

Sid pivots to face Josi on the dot and hunches down.

The puck drops.

X

Jo jumps into Nate's arms and they are screaming so hard Nate might throw up.

"Marchy! That little - that fucking rat!" Jo yells and Nate laughs.

The arena is shuddering with 15,000 screaming, jumping fans and the glass of the press box shakes with the deafening sound of the horn and the crowd.

Nate watches, standing still - he hasn't sat down in hours, as Sid kisses the World Cup.

X

NM: I love yo

NM: I love you so much

NM: Im so fucking prou d of you

NM: My hands are shaking too bad to type 

X

Marie waits and lets Nate gather every ounce of courage he has. He's back in Denver. The weight on his chest is suffocating.

He gasps up at the roof and fights back the panic. "Marie -"

"Nathan, remember. What we talk about will never leave this office."

He nods and takes a fortifying breath. "Please don't judge me. It wasn't my fault."

Marie furrows her brows but nods, "Never, Nathan."

He closes his eyes. "I love him."

Marie stays quiet.

"I love him more than anything in this fucking world. And he loves me too. Somehow."

He opens his eyes and sees Marie smile at him. "Good. You deserve to be loved."

Nate bursts into tears.

Marie hands him a Kleenex box.

X

Chapter Text

Nate stares at the headline. 

His phone begins to ring. It's Pat. 

Nate ignores it and it goes to voicemail.

He swallows heavily. The silence after the ring is horribly loud in his condo.

He flips to the article and feels sick. He stops reading after the 5th sentence.

His phone starts to ring again. Sid.

Almost on reflex, he answers it.

"Babe..." 

Nate closes his eyes. "It's good. This is good."

Sid is quiet for a moment but then asks. "Why do you say that?"

"Cause he was a piece of shit sometimes." Nate snorts.

"He was? You always seemed to like him." Sid says softly.

Nate shakes his head. "No, I -" Nate never explained to Sid about Roy. He didn't want to burden Sid with his shit and it was...complicated. Roy still is a legend. Just turns out that he sometimes threatens to hit his wife and break down doors causing her to call 911 every now and then. That plus Gabe shielding the team from him could only last so long.

Nate tells Sid the whole thing. Sid, understandably, is irate.

"Fucking hell Nate. You should have told someone!"

"Like who Sid?"

"The League! Pat! Fuck - me!"

"He's Patrick Roy - "

"I don't care if he's Gretzky himself, he fucking shouldn't act like that as a coach!"

Sid takes a deep breath. Nate waits.

"Unbelievable. Nate - " Sid makes a small sound of pain. "You should have told me."

"You were chasing the cup, love." Nate whispers.

"And the trade rumours last year?" Sid explodes again, "He was going to fucking trade you, Nate!"

Nate sits on his couch. "I know."

Sid moves around and Nate knows he's pacing. 

"Poor Gabe." Sid eventually whispers. Nate nods.

"I know."

There is a long moment of silence and Nate knows that Sid is still pissed with him. He clears his throat. "What do you know about Bednar?"

Sid sighs, allowing Nate to change the subject. "Not much. He was with the Stingrays, then Abbotsford, then the Blue Jackets but I think you knew that. I did a bit of Googling."

Nate snorts, "Do you even know what Google is sweetheart?"

"Shut up."

"This all went down the end of August, camp starts tomorrow - this is so..." Nate shakes his head.

"Sudden? I know." Sid is quiet, thinking. "I wonder if they knew. About Gabe."

Nate shrugs. "Maybe. I mean, it's kind of amazing that I didn't catch on sooner."

"They say that he doesn't have time to change any of your guy's staff around. There isn't time." Sid comments, starting to pace again.

Nate nods. "I read that too."

"This is crazy."

Nate blows out a harsh breath. "Yep. This should be...interesting."

X

Bednar is well groomed and calm. He's very different than Roy.

Camp is uneasy and strange, the guys getting used to the new coach and Matty and Gabe try to rally them, to get their focus back but it's...off. Strained. Bednar seems like he'll be a good fit, but the way everything went down isn't sitting well with the staff and the players. Something is broken and Nate doesn't know how they can fix it.

They are released for cool down and Bednar's eyes follow Nate around on the ice.

"MacKinnon, come see me after practice please." Bednar shouts. The Avs ooh and aww like pre-teen boys whenever someone gets called to the principal's office in school. Nate ignores them as his stomach drops out.

He tries desperately not to panic as he changes and showers, aware that Gabe is watching him from his own stall across the room. 

This is it. His career is over. They are going to kick him off the team. 

Then he gets angry. He fucking tried. Sure, he's a shit hockey player but no one could deny he's one of the hardest workers out there. Hockey is all he has, what more do they want?

He knocks on Roy - no, Bednar's - office door and a quiet "Come in" is called through the frame.

He shuffles in, not making eye contact and Bednar smiles at him as he comes in.

"Uh, hi. Coach. You wanted to see me?"

Bednar nods, "Have a seat Nathan."

Nate doesn't know how to refuse so he does. 

Bednar leans back in his chair and looks at Nate. Nate tries not to bristle, focusing on his breathing techniques that Marie taught him. 

"I'm impressed with you." Bednar starts.

Nate is immediately confused. He studiously stares at a rainbow coloured ugly pencil holder that likely Bednar's kids made him, waiting for Bednar to follow his sentence up with a "but..."

Bednar continues, "Landeskog recommended I consider you for the A."

Nate's brain screeches to a halt. He looks away from the monstrosity of a pencil holder and up at Bednar.

Bednar smiles again at the look on Nate's face. "You and Duchene. Matty."

Nate's fingers go numb. He barely feels like he's in his body. 

"I was almost traded last year." Nate whispers.

Bednar shrugs. "It's a different year."

Nate's brain races - maybe this is a joke - 

"You're already a leader on and off the ice. Gabe trusts you. The guys respect you. You're a damn good player and you work hard."

"Mikko - " Nate starts and Bednar snorts.

"Mikko isn't ready. He's good, but he's not ready."

There is a long moment of silence and Bednar raises his eyebrows. "Well?"

Nate feels like he is going to pass out. He shakes his head with a small laugh. 

"Coach, I'd love to."

Bednar grins.

X

Nate's phone wakes him up from a morning nap. 

Ever since Roy left, his phone has been lit up with notifications, calls, emails, texts with the media, friends and family hounding him. Every interview Gabe, Nate and Matty give is all about the coaching change and their thoughts on it. Nate is getting sick of it. Matty and Gabe are no better off.

It was quietly announced to the team that Matty and him would be receiving their As on October 15th. The team group chat has been non-stop with chirps, well-wishes and proclamations of "fucking finally!" ever since, the team overjoyed for them both. Nate actually gets a little emotional reading some of the messages from his teammates. He's made aware one rainy Denver afternoon that literally Nate would take a bullet for these guys. There is nothing he wouldn't do for them. He would break his body, be the best he can be - for them. He has no idea when that shift happened over the past few years but the Avalanche's whole team has grown under his skin like a weed and rooted deep.

He tried to explain that feeling to EJ, Tys and Gabe one night over whiskey and DQ and they laughed at him. Gabe was the only one who smiled, slinging an arm around Nate's shoulders. "That's why it's you, Nate." Gabe said proudly and Tys and EJ made half-hearted complaints but Nate knows they feel the same.

He lets his ringing phone go to voicemail - he's comfortable and warm, but then it starts to ring again.

"Jesus Christ - "

He rolls over and pokes at it, seeing Sid's name.

He swipes to answer it. "Sweetheart - "

"Nate?" Taylor's voice comes feebly down the line and Nate sits up.

"Tay?"

She makes a small sobbing sound and her voice cracks. "Sid - he's. Another concussion."

Shit. 

Nate breathes and fights down the instant panic. "How?"

"Practice. How the hell that happened - "

"He's more susceptible to them because of his history." Nate is up, throwing on clothes and looking around for a bag to pack.

"I fucking know Nate but practice?" Taylor starts to cry again and Nate is looking for his shoes.

"Where are you guys?" 

"At Sid's new place. Which is awful because his furniture hasn't been moved yet so he's on this ratty ass piece of crap couch and he's still puking - "

"Tay!" Nate talks over her panic, "I'll be there in like three hours, just keep him awake, okay?"

"You can't come all the way here, Nate! Your games!"

Nate is already out the door. "Like I give a shit about that right now, Tay." he hails a cab right away and throws his duffle in the back. "Besides, our first game isn't until the 15th."

He mouths to the cabbie airport and he's being whisked away. "Why are you there?" Nate asks.

"I was just visiting, helping him move. I am supposed to be going home today. My parents are stuck in Halifax and Kath is busy -"

"I'm coming Tay. Just - keep him awake."

"Okay." her voice is small and scared over the line. "Nate, what if he - "

Panics. Has another episode. 

Nate shakes his head. "He won't with me. I think. Just - hang in there. I'm coming as fast as I can."

"Okay."

X

Sid's new house is beautiful and grand. It's the kind of rustic that rich people think rustic looks like with rich dark wood and exposed stone. 

This is the house that Nate suggested to him. It was his favourite out of the ones that Sid liked.

Taylor sees the cab drive up and she throws open the door to the house and hugs Nate hard. Nate rocks her for a minute and just lets her breathe before he kisses her head and tugs her into the house. "C'mon."

Like Taylor said, the house is mostly empty still. It has a few boxes and odd things here and there but no furniture yet. "Where did you even get the couch?" Nate can't help but ask, kicking off his shoes.

Taylor wipes her eyes with a small smile. "The previous owners had a back patio set. It's actually a patio couch."

Nate smiles at her. "Smart." she pushes him lightly with an even more wobbly smile.

Sid is awake, in the living room, propped up on winter jackets and patio cushions. He's clearly dizzy and out of it, staring up the roof, blinking slow. There are a few empty buckets around for his vomit and Nate goes over to him immediately. 

He cups Sid's jaw and kisses his forehead. "Hello, love." he whispers.

Sid blinks heavily at him, confused. "Nate?"

Nate can't help but laugh. Sid looks even more confused. "Yeah, it's me. Here to look after your sorry ass."

A small wrinkle forms in the middle of Sid's brows as he tries to make sense of the fact that Nate is here, in his house, somehow. Nate smoothes out the divot with a thumb and kisses Sid's cheek. 

Nate lets Sid take his time, puzzling it out and when he finally gets it, that this is real, Nate is really here he grabs Nate's hand at his jaw. 

"Nate. Nate, babe. Nate - "

Nate chuckles and kneels down to be more eye level with him. "Hi."

Sid tries to get up, to hug him and Nate gently pushes him back down. "Easy, Sid."

"You're here." Sid gasps.

Nate nods. 

Sid slides a hand over Nate's face, tracing his brows and his nose. "You're here." Sid breathes again, staring at Nate like he still can't quite believe it.

Nate kisses his fingertips when they get to his mouth. Taylor makes a small noise and wipes her eyes again.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

X

They all take a nap. 

Sid is sprawled out on Nate's chest, Nate is smothered underneath him on the tiny patio couch and Taylor burrows in a nest of jackets on the floor. Taylor sets a timer on her phone so Sid doesn't sleep too long but Sid wakes easily every few hours or so, slightly more lucid each time. 

Eventually Taylor gets up and orders them a pizza. Gluten free for Nate. 

Nate, selfishly perhaps, enjoys this. This is so rare for them, to see each other and just be like this outside of the summer that he can't help but relish in it. Sid is warm, sleepy in his arms and Nate sweeps a hand up and down his spine as he sleeps. Sid buries his head in Nate's neck and drools and Nate doesn't even care.

They prop Sid up to try a bit of food and he gags, but gets it down with a lot of water. Taylor calls their parents and Nate stays quiet while they are on the phone. They don't need to know Nate is there. Sid answers them as best as he can but then gets pale and dizzy, needing to lay down again. Nate kisses his temple and gets up, just moving to give Sid some time on the couch to himself. Quick as a whip, Sid's hand shoots out and grips Nate's wrist.

"Stay." Sid breathes. "Nate, please. Stay."

Nate nods and Taylor shoots them a look out of the corner of her eye as she is talking still with their parents. Nate settles back on to the couch and Sid tucks himself around him. Nate resumes massaging Sid's back and Taylor smiles gently at them, still on the phone.

"Yeah. I think he'll be okay."

X

Nate wakes up cold and alone on his first night there on the patio couch. He blinks at the ceiling and smacks at his phone on the ground to check the time. 2:16 am.

Taylor is asleep in her jackets, barely visible, her back to Nate

There a distant thumping sound from upstairs and Nate gets up.

He pads up the stairs and goes into Sid's master bedroom. The light is off but Sid is there, moving a leather chair around, pausing, thinking, and then moving it again.

"Sweetheart - you okay?" Nate rubs his eyes and stifles a yawn.

Sid nods, "Yep. All good."

Nate watches him move the chair for a third time, his hands slightly shaking and Nate understands. 

"Love - " he crosses over and gets carefully into Sid's space. Sid can't seem to look at him, focused on the chair, his hands fluttering. 

Nate watches him wrestle with his bruised brain, grit his teeth, shake his head and move the chair an inch to the right.

"Sid. Sweetheart. Look at me for a second?"

Sid closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Nate - I can't..."

Nate nods. "Okay." and steps back, moving to the other side of the chair. 

Sid releases a big breath and starts to pace around the chair, his hands moving like birds. 

Nate settles against a wall of the mostly empty room and kicks out his feet. "Want any help?" he asks.

Sid shakes his head, "No. No - I. Go back to sleep."

"Can I sleep here?"

Sid looks up at him, making eye contact for the first time, almost surprised. "Yes." he whispers.

Nate nods again. "Let me know if you need help moving other stuff." he murmurs, his eyes already closing.

Sid's quiet "Okay" is the last thing Nate hears before he falls asleep propped up against the wall.

X

Nate stays for as long as he can. 

Movers come and finally move some of Sid's furniture in but him and Sid spend a good three nights on that couch while Taylor manages to sleep somehow in her makeshift nest.

Sid improves quickly. He's still concussed as all hell but by the next day, he is able to move around a bit and play cards with Nate and Taylor, even if it is just Go Fish. 

He doesn't have another episode like the chair moving night and neither of them mention it to Taylor.

Nate answers calls from Flower, G, Tanger, Gabe, Tys, Marchy, Matty and even Mikko and EJ at one point. Nate has to be honest with them, they would start a gossip war fierce enough to wipe out the northern pacific if he wasn't honest, so they all know that Nate is there and that Sid is okay. Not good, but okay. The Avalanche staff were told that Nate had a "family emergency" but that he would be back before their first pre-game practice.

Taylor answers the two-times a day calls from Kathy and the once-a-day calls from their parents. Nate usually showers or cooks during those conversations but he can hear Sid talking quietly to them while Taylor sits beside him.

Nate drives Sid to a few doctor's appointments and one memorable one with one of the Penguins doctors who didn't seem surprised to see Nate. Andy comes over twice and gets Sid doing some low-impact dryland exercises that Nates does with Sid in the backyard.

The days are lazy and slow but Nate loves it. Taylor is quickly becoming one of Nate's favourite people and she loves Sid so she's in good company. Sid starts to talk more and more and watches a few hockey games before he gets too dizzy from the flashing lights of the TV screen. They pull up their very first game against each other and Nate groans in embarrassment when Sid dekes him and he falls on the ice. Sid, for the first time in days, laughs hard enough to honk and Nate twines their hands together.

X

Nate is in the foyer with his bag on one cold Pittsburgh October day as Sid watches him put on his shoes. Taylor is somewhere upstairs, helping Sid unpack a few boxes and giving them some privacy. 

Nate rights himself with a still slight ache in his knee and Sid looks at the tile of the foyer. Nate smiles weakly and hooks a knuckle under Sid's chin, tilting his head up so he can see the colour of his eyes. 

Nate swallows around a thick throat and smiles. "Wear your lid. Protect that giant head of yours."

Sid rolls his eyes but Nate can see they are a bit too bright, too jumpy. Nate slides both hands over his jaw. "You going to be okay?"

Sid closes his eyes and nods, tilting his face into Nate's hands. He's been a bit nonverbal all morning, afraid that he will panic without Nate, which ironically, makes him panicky.

Nate takes a deep breath and kisses him. 

Sid surges up and kisses him back, fisting his hands in Nate's jacket, clinging to him. 

"Just call me. Anytime. I'll see you in a few days." Nate breathes and Sid nods. They talked about this last night when Sid was still able to talk. The Avalanche have a game here soon. Sid won't be playing of course, but they made plans to see each other anyways. 

A horn honks outside and a flash of fear moves through Sid's eyes. Nate fucking hates this.

He hugs him ferociously. "I love you - I love you, call me anytime -"

Sid nods and hugs him back, drawing something out on Nate's back. 

Nate chokes a weak sound when he realizes what Sid is writing and the horn sounds again.

He pulls back and wipes his eyes, kissing Sid one more time quick and grabbing his bag. He throws himself out the door before he can convince himself to stay. Sid watches him get into the cab from his doorway, arms folded, squinting in the weak October sunshine. 

Nate gets into the cab, wiping his eyes that are still embarrassingly wet, and tells the driver to go to the airport. The cabbie squints at Sid in his doorway and then chuckles. "Holy shit, I think that's Sidney Crosby!"

He grins at Nate, clearly thrilled and then gets a good look at Nate's face. "Holy shit - Nathan MacKinnon!"

Nate can't even force a smile, transfixed on the image of Sid getting smaller and smaller out of the cab's windows. They turn a corner and Sid's house swings out of sight. He pulls out his phone and makes sure the ringer is on loud, just in case Sid calls. In case he panics.

The weight settles fully on Nate's chest. He closes his eyes and memorizes the feeling of Sid tracing 'I love you' over and over on his back.

The cabbie whistles in awe. "Wow. What a day."

X

October 17th the Avalanche are in Pittsburgh. 

Tys and Nate check into their hotel but Tys rolls his eyes, seeing Nate fidget. "Go, man. Say hi for me."

Nate knows that Sid isn't home so there is really only one other place he'd be.

The PPG is shockingly familiar to Nate now. He breezes past the rink staff and Penguins management who actually wave at him warmly with many "Hey Nathan"s as he navigates the building's tunnels to the ice. No one is surprised to see him.

He rounds the corner by the Penguin's locker room and the air pressure changes before Nate can even hear the sound of skates cutting up the ice. He smiles.

Sid is working on what looks like balance drills - backwards (the show off) his head purposefully forward, facing off against an imaginary opponent. Looking at him, you would never know he was suffering from a concussion. The rink echoes with the sound of his skates. Nate takes a long moment to admire him.

He's not as fast as McDavid, or even as fast as Nate, but he's so smooth. Powerful and strong. A force of nature, even at 29 years old - maybe even more so than he was when he was younger. He's breathtaking to watch, flowing like the tide. 

Nate shakes his head with a soft smile.

He wants to marry him.

The thought comes from nowhere but once it's there Nate can't get it out of his head, breathless with the simple idea. To have and to hold. To spend every day they can together, for as long as they live. It nearly flattens Nate with the possibility and he almost sits down, blinking the flash of a wedding ring glinting on Sid's left hand out of his head.

They could never. But it's a pretty dream.

Sid doesn't notice Nate until he's skating by the bench. He does a double take seeing him there and Nate chuckles. Sid laughs bright and genuinely when he sees Nate but keeps skating, going down deep into the offensive zone.  

"Grab your skates!" Sid shouts.

"Didn't bring them!" Nate calls back, leaning his forearms on the bench boards, more than content to watch Sid skate.

Sid shakes his head with a smile but keeps going, doing a few more laps and pivots, testing his head to see if it is able to keep up with the spinning. A few rink staff come by, they are fixing something on the Penguin's bench and a few of them smile watching Sid. After about 10 minutes, the Zamboni gates open and Sid has to quit. He skates over to Nate breathless.

He's flushed, happy and so beautiful. Nate straightens up and desperately wishes they were alone. 

"Looking pretty good out there." Nate smiles, heart pressing against his ribs.

Sid nods, pulling off his helmet and wiping some sweat off from his forehead. His hair is a mess, his eyes are bronze and electric. "Yeah, feeling pretty good. Don't want to jinx anything but." he shrugs skating as close as he dares to Nate with rink staff around.

"Good." Nate says quietly.

They take a moment to just look at each other, a small smile creeping over Sid's face.

"Come over tonight? After the game?" Sid asks hopefully. Like Nate would refuse. Like he even could.

"For sure."

X

Sid watches the Avalanche win against the Penguins in OT in a suit and tie.

He hangs around the rink for Nate to be done media and with proper excuses, they are able to dodge their teammates for requests to go out. 

Sid meets him in a secluded spot near the back by the player's entrance and his posture is a bit stiff. They get in Sid's SUV and Sid is quiet.

Nate pulls his seatbelt on looking over at Sid in question.

"Sid?" 

Sid clenches his jaw and shakes his head, avoiding eye contact.

The ride the rest of the way is in silence, Nate internally screaming with anxiety. Is Sid seriously pissed that the Aves won? He didn't even play...

They get into Sid's house and he finally rounds on Nate.

"You got the A."

Nate nods cautiously. 

Sid's eyes flash with intensity and then Nate is being kissed hard enough to hurt.

"Fuck - Nate, that's amazing - "

Nate laughs in relief and he picks Sid up by the back of his thighs, stumbling back against the wall of Sid's foyer. Sid's legs wrap around his waist and he's whispering against Nate's lips in between wet kisses. "So fucking proud of you, you deserve it - so hot...seeing that on your chest. I nearly - " he growls and bites at Nate's neck. He's leaving marks, Nate can tell, but he's too far gone to care.

"Sid, Sid. Fuck."

Nate grinds his outrageously hard dick against Sid's ass where he is still in Nate's arms.

"Let me fuck you, babe please - "

Nate slings his arms around Sid more securely and kisses him, pushing away from the wall and carrying Sid up the stairs.

Sid opens him up slow in the dark, kissing his thighs and tonguing Nate's dick, licking up the precome. Nate gasps and writhes on the bed, seeing stars whenever Sid hits that sweet spot deep inside. 

When Nate is open enough, he pushes Sid back flat on his back and swings his leg over him. Sid's breath catches watching Nate position himself. He rubs Nate's chest, running his hands down the flat planes of his body, his eyes never leaving Nate's.

Nate kisses him once, sweetly and moves Sid to where he is open and needy. 

They both groan when Sid slides home and they pant heavily getting used to the feeling.

Nate has obviously never done this before so he starts cautiously, a bit self-consciously. Sid arches underneath Nate with every movement of his hips and Nate, determined, starts to move with more conviction, working his hips with the sole intention of making Sid come. He watches every reaction to his movements and learns quickly that Sid likes it hard but slow. He smirks and starts a relentless, heavy pace. Sid's hands fly up to Nate's face, his shoulders and he starts to babble.

"Fuck, Nate. You're - you look incredible. I can't believe -"

Nate has a small theory and he tests it. "Captain."

Sid's eyes slam shut and he practically yells, garbled. Aha. Yep. Nate grins and kisses him. He'll store that away for later.

"Anything you ask. I'd - fuck - I'd do anything." Nate whispers.

Sid's hands grip Nate's hips and he starts to drive his hips up into Nate, hitting Nate's prostate with steady consistency. Nate is quickly starting to come undone and he starts to stoke himself.

Sid grips his hair and forces Nate to look at him. "Make us come." he breathes.

Nate whimpers and nods. Sid releases Nate's hair and tracks his hands over his face. 

All anxieties and self-doubts now long-gone, Nate spears himself on Sid's cock with abandon, losing himself to the feeling of Sid in him, around him, touching his face and whispering breathless encouragement. 

Nate grinds dirty on Sid, feeling his cock dig hard into Nate's prostate and he's coming, still striping his cock. He holds Sid in him as deep as he can go and goes blind as he crests, yelling Sid's name.

Sid pulls Nate down to his chest and hooks his arms around Nate's back. Nate allows himself to be moved, blissed out and boneless as Sid drives his hips up hard and fast only about a half a dozen times before he bites Nate's shoulder hard and comes. 

Nate smiles at the feeling of Sid releasing in him, satisfied.

Sid trembles slightly and Nate cards his hand through Sid's dark hair. They breathe together and let their heartrates slow.

Sid eventually pulls out as he goes soft and Nate tips off of him onto his back to stare up at the roof.

Sid shakes his head with a small laugh. Nate grins. "Wow." Sid breathes. Nate blushes and kisses his shoulder.

Sid looks over at Nate with a strangely vulnerable look in his eyes. "Will that ever stop being...like that?" he whispers.

"Like what?"

Sid searches his face and Nate understands. He snorts softly. "I don't think so sweetheart."

Sid looks back up at the roof, shaking his head again. "That's overwhelming." he states flatly and Nate laughs. 

"We are - you know." he shrugs, embarrassed. "In love or whatever." Sid grins, still looking at the roof.

"You're so romantic - "

"Shut the fuck up." 

Sid rolls over to look at Nate like a child at a sleepover with their best friend, trading secrets. 

"Is sex always like that for people?" he asks.

Nate rolls over to mirror his position and shrugs. "I guess. It wasn't like that with Vanessa though - for me anyway."

Sid looks down with a small angry sound. 

Nate laughs, "Love, you are not allowed to be jealous given the circumstances okay?"

That hits a little too close to home for it to not hurt and Nate backtracks as he sees Sid shut himself off. "No, Sid. Shit - sorry. You know what I meant."

Sid nods hastily, still not meeting Nate's eyes. Nate slides a hand over Sid's knuckles and tugs his hand to Nate's chest. Sid releases a shaky breath.

"Day by day." Sid whispers.

Nate smiles and kisses Sid's knuckles over where a wedding band would rest. "Day by day."

X

The next morning Tys and Gabe come pick up Nate and say hello to Sid, wanting to see the new house.

Gabe compliments the post and beam, the shrubs, a nicely shaped rock in Sid's garden, Sid's door knocker and more. Tys rolls his eyes as Gabe inspects a weeping ornamental tree in the front garden but everyone else just ignores him.

Tys hugs Sid, "Sorry to crash on your, uh. Time. Together. But we wanted to see you too."

Sid snorts, "All good Tys. It's nice to see you guys."

"Sid! This tree is awesome!" Gabe shouts from the lawn.

Tys groans, "Gabe!"

Sid laughs and calls out to Gabe, "Thanks, man. It's the whole reason why I bought the place!"

Gabe finally trots over and hugs Sid too. "So we all agree that we won last night just because you weren't playing, yes?"

Sid laughs.

They pile into the house and Sid takes them on a small tour. Nate hangs back and watches, already very accustomed to the new house but admiring the way Sid and Taylor arranged all of his furniture. 

Sid is explaining how the solar panels work in the study and Gabe reaches over to pick up a framed photo on Sid's desk. Nate is flipping through a magazine, half listening as Sid explains how the contractors set up the panels on the roof to Tys.

"Oh my god." Gabe says quietly.

Nate looks up at him, "What?"

"Your hair was so dumb."

Nate furrows his brows, "Okay...rude..."

Sid and Tys stop their conversation and turn to Gabe. Gabe sees them all looking and turns the photo around to show them. Nate's stomach swoops.

It's Sid and Nate, seated together, red faced, blurry and happy at the NHL awards in 2014. The night Nate won the Calder. 

It's not even a good photo, but it's blown up and framed, proudly displayed in Sid's house. Nate flicks his eyes to Sid's face only to see Sid looking back at him. Affection blooms in his chest and Sid's breath catches at the look on Nate's face.

Tys goes over with a laugh, breaking the tension and starts to chirp Nate too. "Look at that flow my god." 

"It was in style!"

"No it wasn't Dogg."

Nate grumbles putting down his magazine. "Still won the Calder though."

Sid steps up to Nate with a laugh and rubs his back. Gabe is blissfully unaware and occupied, taking a photo of the picture with his cell phone for further blackmail on his Alternate.

X

Sid pulls him into the kitchen as the guys are getting ready to leave and kisses Nate desperately.

"See you in February." Sid breathes.

Nate groans. "I fucking hate this." he confesses, tucking his head into Sid's shoulder. Sid rubs his hands up and down Nate's back.

"Me too."

Nate sighs and cups Sid's jaw, just enjoying the solid strength of him. "I love you. Reigning Stanley Cup Champion, World Cup Champion, Ted Lind-"

Sid laughs and cuts him off with a kiss. "Stop it, you're so embarrassing- "

"Conn Smythe winner! 2 time Olympic Gold Medalist!" Nate dodges Sid's hand as he tries to cover Nate's mouth. 

"Nate!"

"IIHF World Champion -"

Sid grabs his face and kisses him quiet. Nate laughs against his mouth. "Easy captain, we don't have time to go upstairs." 

Sid makes a small gasping sound and his pupils get darker. "Nate." he hisses.

Nate grins, aware he's being difficult and Sid's next kiss is heavier, hotter. They don't hear Gabe and Tys come in. 

Tys makes a loud "Oi!" sound and Nate springs away from Sid.

There is a stunned moment of loud silence.

"Fuck." Tys whispers.

Gabe is breathing hard and looking between the two of them. Sid takes a small step towards Gabe. "Gabe - we can explain -"

"Holy shit I knew it." Gabe breathes, still looking between Nate and Sid.

Nate can feel his brows furrow.

Gabe shakes his head with a thunderous laugh. "I fucking knew it!"

Sid's hand flutter. Nate wants to comfort him but he stays rooted on the spot.

Gabe must see in their faces that they are fucking terrified so he quickly amends. "I mean, you guys are good, don't get me wrong, but I started to have suspicions after Florida." Gabe runs a hand over his grinning face. "I looked at the timestamp of the phone call, the call went all night. Really wracked up my minutes there guys, so thanks for that."

Sid. Sid stayed on the line with Nate even though Nate was sleeping. He stayed on the call all night. Nate looks over at him with disbelief. "Sid -"

"And!" Gabe points backwards to the study, "the photo?"

Sid blushes and flicks his nervous hands. That one is pretty damning. 

Nate swallows, "Gabe. Please, please don't tell anyone."

Gabe looks over at Tys, pointing in wordless question. Nate nods, "Yeah, Tys knows."

"They hooked up on my boat." Tys offers weakly. "In 2015."

Nate shoots Tys a dry look at his wording but it is accurate. 

They all look at Gabe apprehensively, waiting for the verdict. Nate feels like he's going to throw up. 

Gabe could tell Bednar, Bednar could tell the League - 

Gabe takes a few big steps forward and hugs Nate before Nate can work himself into a bigger panic.

"I'm so happy for you. Proud of you - " 

Oh god Gabe sounds like he's going to cry. Nate tries to push him off but Gabe clings tighter. "This doesn't change anything - " Gabe chokes and Nate blinks a couple of times trying to come to terms with the fact that Gabe is taking this almost too well.

"If anyone so much as fucking touches you about this, breathes on you - " Gabe growls and Nate finally is able to squirm away from his overbearing captain. "Okay, 'You Can Play' - chill. I'm okay -"

Gabe's eyes well with tears looking at Nate with a quivering proud smile. "Yeah. You're okay." he chokes out and Nate rolls his eyes as Gabe dives in and hugs him even harder.  

"Oh my god -"

Sid is watching all of this with a guarded expression. Nate meets his gaze and Sid shrugs, helplessly. Tys pipes up from behind Sid, "Well. He's supportive at least."

Gabe releases Nate and rubs his eyes on his sleeve. "I have a million questions but we really do need to leave. Sid -"

He turns to Sid and gets up in Sid's space. Sid looks confused but stands his ground, digging in his heels and staring up at the tall Swede. 

"If you fucking hurt him Crosby I will end your fucking lysande career, you understand?"

Sid tenses his jaw and Nate can see Sid's temper flare. "Gabe -" Nate starts.

"Good." Sid whispers, still staring hard at Gabe. 

Gabe nods, "Excellent." 

X

"So. Gabe."

"Yep."

"Another person."

"He won't say anything Sid." 

"This isn't good Nate."

"I know, but - "

"Where do we stop? Should we just tell all our teammates and get it over with?!"

"You didn't worry about Taylor! Why Gabe?"

"It's different - "

"Bullshit Sid. If anything, and trust me, I love Taylor don't get me wrong, but her knowing is worse!"

"That is not true Nate."

"Is it because Gabe is my friend? My captain? My teammate?"

"....."

"Sid, that's not fucking fair."

"It's not that - "

"You hate it when things are out of your control. I get it, okay? And I know I am one of those things. But I'm a fucking human being. I have people that are close to me too, Sid." 

"I know, Nate. But I barely know Gabe - "

"I do! He's - fuck, he's like an older brother to me Sid! He's important to me, do you understand? Do you get that?"

"Of course I fucking do Nate, I'm not a machine - "

"Could have fooled me!" 

"..........."

"Fuck - Sid. No. I didn't mean that."

"...I know."

"Love -"

"I am. Challenging. Sometimes. Hard to uh. Hard to understand. The comparison between me and um. A robot has been made before."

"Shit. Sid - "

"It's okay, Nate. I know you didn't mean it."

"But I still shouldn't have said it."

"...Yes. But. I guess I get it."

"You're not challenging to understand, Sid. Not to me." 

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. You're right, I'm scared because the more people know, the less control we have on this. The less control I have on this."

"What do you want to do about it?"

"There isn't anything we can do. Just pray that Gabe is good to his word."

"Would you ever tell G? Or Flower?"

"No, Nate. Are you kidding? No."

"Why?"

"Cause they've - they know Kathy. They like Kathy. Gabe doesn't. I don't even think he knows about her. That is - that's impossible. For them to know. No."

"......."

"Right. Sorry."

"Just - don't ask that again. Please."

"Yeah. Okay."

X

Sid returns to playing October 25th and the Penguins start to win more and more games with Sid back on the ice. Nate watches their games in his hotel rooms on the road with Tys. They look good - really good.

Nate realizes it around late November.

Shit.

They are going to win again.

X

November 29th the Avalanche are hosting the Predators in Denver. 

Seth Jones has been relentless with his fucking chirps all night and Nate has almost had enough. 

P.K. Subban has noticed Seth's little vendetta against Nate and happily joins in. P.K. has a weird obsession with Sid and he knows that Nate and Sid are close. Nate doesn't even fucking know P.K., he's only met him a couple of times. He's the kind of guy to jump on shitting on someone if he thinks it would be fun. Josi has noticed their backhanded remarks and barked at them to "fucking shut up" at one point. Nate had slapped his pads in thanks but Josi was still pissed, shaking his head and barely acknowledging Nate watching P.K. gleefully smile at Josi's anger. A swell of affection for Josi makes Nate feel a little better. At least he has someone in his corner. Auston Watson and Cody McLeod (of course) have already gotten a fighting penalty, a 5 minute major. The game is messy, dirty and Nate's anger is about to boil over. Nate hasn't actually dropped the gloves in a while, his last one was last season but this one is coming close. 

Seth slides up beside him at the faceoff dot. "Aw First Pick. Your team fucking sucks this year, hey?" He tsks sarcastically. "So much potential."

Nate gnashes his teeth with his mouth guard in and tries to drown him out.

Behind them, P.K. jumps in. "Too distracted by the dick of Crosby will do that."

White hot fury blinds Nate and EJ shoves P.K. spitting a vehement "Fuck you." The whistle blows and Gabe on Nate's other side, lunges towards P.K. with murderous intent. The ref gets in between them while EJ and Gabe stare P.K. down, daring him to say another fucking word. Seth laughs. 

"Ah, Dogg. You're going to be gone by the end of this season. Mark my words."

The refs are rapidly losing control of Gabe and P.K. and Nate skates a little ways away, trying to calm down.

Breathe.

In and out. 

He can hear P.K. start to sling even more filth as Nate skates away. "Landy, come on. He's a fucking fag, you don't need to protect him! He probably likes it!"

Gabe throws the gloves and nails P.K. quicker than lighting right in the face under the visor of his helmet. 

EJ grabs P.K from behind and another Predator tries to wrestle him off, trying to make the fight fair. Nate can see Seth coming right for him and with no other choice, he drops the gloves too. 

Seth is taller than Nate by at least 4 inches but he's scrawny. Nate braces himself and swings, allowing the hurt, the anger to channel through him. He tries not to think about what Sid would think of him.

X

Nate holds an ice pack against his eye and glowers at the floor of the locker room.

Bednar has Gabe, him and EJ seated at their stalls while he paces the middle of the room. Mikko, Tys and Matty are there too, for emotional support but are so far silent. They all know what happened on the ice. The Avalanche management and staff do not.

The game is over, they are showered and in street clothes. Gabe has a bruise forming on his jaw and EJ is nursing his right hand. 

"I just want to understand." Bednar says quietly. 

Gabe huffs angrily, "What part? When Jones fucking couldn't shut up? Or when P.K. started on Nate?"

Bednar runs a hand over his mouth and Nate actually feels bad for him. It's not his fault that he has a broken, angry team. He was dropped into the middle of their mess with no preparation. It would be enough to make anyone lose it. 

Bednar remains quiet and sincere though. Nate always catches himself thinking about just how different he is from Roy.  

"The shit they were saying, coach." EJ says lowly, staring at his hurt hand.

Nate can feel Tys's and Gabe's eyes on Nate. He swallows. 

"It's my fault Beds." he croaks around his icepack.

"Like fucking hell it is Nate!" Gabe barks from across the room.

Nate shakes his head. "Seth has always hated me. P.K. has a weird thing with - " he clears his throat. "With Sid."

Bednar looks confused. "Sidney? Crosby?"

Nate nods. 

Bednar looks over at Gabe and EJ. "What does Sidney have to do with tonight?"

Mikko, for the first time speaks with his Finnish accent. "He is Nate's friend. They are always together."

Nate valiantly tries not to blush. 

Bednar looks over at Nate critically, his hands on his hips. "Will it happen again?"

Matty mutters, "Fucking probably. Unless they grow a brain cell somehow - "

"Will it happen again?" Bednar ignores Matty, turning fully to Nate. 

Nate doesn't know Bednar well enough yet to know what he wants to hear. Nate swallows, trying to weigh his answer.

"Honestly, coach? Probably."

Bednar nods, his expression unreadable. "Will you be able to handle it?"

Now that is a good question. The locker room is intensely quiet, all of them focused on Nate.

Will he be able to handle this? The chirping? The harassment? He's always so angry, but -

For Sid. He can do this for Sid. He has to.

He nods, weakly. 

Bednar accepts that and turns to Gabe and EJ. "And you two? Can you handle it?"

Gabe visibly grits his teeth but EJ nods reluctantly. 

Bednar folds his arms across his chest and looks between them all. "The way I see it boys, they are going to be assholes either way. You all -" he gestures to them all assembled around him. "get to decide on how you want to handle it."

They all nod. Nate readjusts his ice pack, trying not to feel guilty.

"MacKinnon." Nate looks up. Bednar looks at him thoughtfully. 

"You're an Alternate now. Don't forget it."

Nate feels the sick twist of shame and he wordlessly nods, looking back down at the floor.

"Clean up, boys. Let's get out of here."

X

Tys passes him his Blizzard wordlessly and sits on Nate's couch. DQ is definitely not on Nate's nutrition plan but he makes exceptions for Tys.

He looks at Nate's black eye and shakes his head. "You're wallowing. Gabe said you have man-pain."

Nate rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Gabe is full of shit - "

"You are wallowing though. You do have man-pain."

Nate sits beside him on the couch and takes a spoonful of his ice cream.

"I'm fine."

Tys snorts. "Liar."

Nate explodes. "It was my fault Tys!"

"No you arrogant, angry fuck. It was theirs. Not yours." he pauses and takes a bite of his Blizzard. "If anything, it might even be Gabe's - he threw the first punch."

Nate shakes his head and eats in silence, not looking at Tys. 

"Did you tell Sid?"

Nate shakes his head again. "No - I. No. He knows about the fight but not why."

Tys hums. 

They eat in silence. 

"This is only going to get worse, Nate."

Nate snorts. "Thanks, tips. I get that."

Tys looks at him. Nate's anger snaps.

"Don't look at me like that." he snarls.

Tys shrugs, "Like what?"

"Like you fucking - pity me. You feel bad."

"Okay, sue me! I don't want to see you get ripped a new asshole every night!" Tys fires back.

"I told Bednar - I can handle it."

"But you can't Nate!" Tys explodes. "If anyone starts on Sid in front of you, you'd lose it. You already have! You love him too much!"

Nate slams his cup down and stands, pacing away from Tys. "Why is that a bad thing - " Nate yells.

"Because it's fucking obvious for one! You are as subtle as a bullhorn!"

Nate growls and stalks away towards the kitchen. Tys gets up and follows him, clearly not done. "And! You need, for once, just fucking once, to look out for yourself!"

Nate remembers the bright morning in Cannes, France, when Tys asked him the same thing, back when Sid and him were a new, tentative thing. 

Tys runs his hand through his hair and rubs his eyes. "Nate - fuck. If you become too unhinged, the League isn't going to love it. You know that. And is that the legacy you really want to leave? Being a goddamn bruiser - another McLeod?"

No, that's not what Nate wants. But he doesn't know how to deal with it otherwise.

He closes his eyes and takes some deep Marie-approved breaths. 

"I didn't throw the first punch, Tys." Nate grits out. "Remember? You said so yourself."

Tys shakes his head. "We both know it's only a matter of time."

Nate hates that he's right.

Tys sighs, deflating. "I just love you man. I don't want you to get hurt. To self-destruct."

Nate nods, looking down at his kitchen island. "I know, Tys."

Tys comes around the corner and hugs him. 

Nate slumps into his friend's arms. "I'm sorry Tys." he whispers.

Tys squeezes him tighter. "I know bud."

X

Marie takes a sip of water. "That sounds tough, Nathan. I'm sorry."

Nate shrugs. "It is what it is."

Marie tilts her head at him. "Do you wish it was different?"

Nate snots. "Obviously." but then he thinks.

"I mean, I don't really matter right? I'm just...whatever. Like I just am me. But Sid...". Nate shakes his head. "After everything Sid has been through. After everything he has done for the game. And people still say shit like that about him." he thinks and feels his stomach drop. "It's like nothing matters. Sid can be the best in the world, be perfect on the ice but he's still queer. Because of me. I still broke him."

Marie looks troubled. "Nathan, that's not true. You didn't break Sid."

But now that he said it, he can't push it out of his mind. "I kind of did Marie. He almost said so himself one time." Sid was kidding when he said it, but it doesn't make it any less true, does it?

Nate picks at his thumb and studies the Kleenex box on Marie's coffee table. "He had a perfect life. Perfect girlfriend. Perfect family. Religious. He's practically perfect at hockey and he loves it more than anything." he looks up at Marie. "It's me. I fucked it all up."

"Sid loves you."

Nate puts his head in his hands. 

"And being queer doesn't mean that you or Sid are broken, Nathan." Marie shakes her head. "Where do you think that idea came from?"

Nate chuckles in his hands. "Take your fucking pick Marie. Hockey. High school. Small town."

Marie frowns. "Do you think I'm broken?"

Nate pulls his hands from his face.

Marie smiles softly at him and gets up, walking over to her small office desk and getting a photo from it. Without a word, she hands it to Nate.

It's Marie and a beautiful black woman, both in wedding dresses on a tropical beach with bottles of champagne. It's a bit blurry, overly bright, but the joy is palpable. 

Nate snorts. "You look wasted."

Marie laughs. "We were getting there for sure."

Nate smiles and hands the photo back.

Marie places it back on her desk and sits back down.

"Sorry Marie. I didn't know..."

"It's okay Nathan. But I want you to understand that when you insult yourself for being broken somehow, you are also insulting me. My wife. And Sid."

Nate hangs his head in shame. "Sorry." 

Marie grabs his hand and squeezes it. "It's okay, Nathan. Just don't do it again."

Nate squeezes back.

X

Chapter Text

Nate paces around Marie's office.

"It's bad, Marie. Like -" he runs his hands through his hair. "It's fucking bad."

Marie worries her lip, flipping through his phone. "It's not that - "

"Marie." Nate cuts her off. "Please."

Marie pinches her lips together and looks back down at Nate's phone at the results so far this season.

"We can't score, we have no defense - somehow worse that even a few years ago. I have no idea what Martin, Pickard and Smith are fucking doing besides letting every single puck into our net and Bednar - "

He takes a deep breath and stops pacing. "Bednar is trying. He is. And we all get it."

He looks out Marie's office window and swallows. "But we are fucked. We are going to finish last this year. And I don't think Bednar accounted for the fact that we need a coach who knows us. How to place us, what we are good and bad at."

Marie hums and hands Nate's phone back to him. "It looks like you guys just need more time together."

"But we are running out of time!" Nate throws up his hands and resumes pacing. "It's January. The NHL All-Stars thing is soon and then it's spring pretty much." Nate kicks gently at one of the chair legs. "And with the trade deadline..."

His anxiety spikes. He can't think about it. Marie, of course, notices.

She does the rising and falling hands breathing exercise that Nate told her works the best. He reluctantly does it with her, standing.

Once Nate's anxiety calms somewhat, she speaks. "So what can you do about it?"

Nate knows this tactic. Marie calls it the Circle of Influence and Nate had tried not to laugh at how cheesy the name is when he first heard it. It helps, truly, but it is hard to do when Nate is already angry or stressed.

"I don't fucking know, Marie!"

"Nathan."

Right. Okay.

He sighs and sits down. "Sorry."

Marie just nods, raising an eyebrow waiting for Nate to answer her.

"I can. Try, I guess. Even though I suck - "

"Nathan."

He huffs. "I can support my teammates. Even though they suck too."

Marie rolls her eyes.

"I can help Bednar. I am an Alternate now. I should."

Marie nods.

He thinks. "Be present. Take it day by day."

Marie finally smiles. "And," she adds. "recognize that some things are out of your control. You can't control your teammates. You can only support them. You can't control whether or not the other team gets a lucky bounce, but you can try to make up for their luck." Marie shrugs. "You're a human being first, Nathan. You're going to make mistakes. Everyone does. It's what you do with those mistakes that sets people apart."

Nate looks down at his shoes. "It's hard though."

Marie shrugs again. "Yes. It is." and Nate snorts.

Marie grins. "You're tough. I think you can do it."

Nate shakes his head but he's smiling. It quickly fades when he thinks of March. "Trades..."

Marie nods. "Yes, that is always a very tense situation. That was something that always bothered me about hockey...but Nathan can you influence that?"

Nate shrugs, "Well no, it is just a business but..." he doesn't know how to finish that. Marie smiles.

"Then you don't have to worry about it."

How could he not? The pressure, the expectations...

"Nathan."

"I was First Overall Pick." he whispers. "And my team is last in the League right now."

"That isn't a reflection of you, Nathan."

He refuses to look at her. Marie peers down to meet Nate's eyes. "Nathan. That isn't a reflection of you. You told me you were actually having a pretty good season."

It's true. The Avalanche are the worst team in the League so far and are shaping up to maybe be the worst Avalanche team ever, but Nate isn't too bad. He's trying. 

It's just not enough. 

He shrugs.

Marie sighs. "Everything that you're dealing with is stressful, Nathan. It's okay to be stressed - "

"No it isn't, I'm an Alternate! I need to - fuck, I don't know, lead my team!" Nate snaps. "I don't have time to be so goddamn soft."

"I'm a therapist!" Marie counters. "I should be able to cure your anxiety!"

Nate looks up to her with a frown. Marie slowly smiles. "Right? Why can't I fix all your problems if I have all this schooling for it?"

Nate shakes his head, "Because I'm fucked up - "

"No," Marie cuts over him. "Because things take time. Effort. Practice. It's one season, Nathan. A season full of turmoil, might I add. It's okay to not be the best. All you can do is learn from it and move on." She leans forward in her chair. "You're doing everything you can. Some things you cannot control and that's okay. And everything just takes time."

Nate sighs and slumps in his chair. 

X

"So...just to clarify - they want me? Not, Gabe? Mikko?"

"That's right." Pat pants on the phone. "You'll be representing the Avalanche."

Nate paces around the Avalanche training room, his phone pressed to his ear. "Uh, I mean - "

"Sidney is in it." Pat wheezes. Nate can hear the belt of Pat's treadmill whir faintly in the background.

Of course Nate knows that Sid is in it - he's known for months. Having the 2017 NHL All-Stars Games without one of the League's top (if not the top) players would be stupid. They both thought that the next time they would see each other would be their next game together in February, but this might change that.

Nate just doesn't like how Pat knows Nate well enough to use Sid as bait for him to join the team. He frowns. "Yeah, I know - "

"And a bunch of other guys you know. Ovi is in it, McDavid, Seth Jones..."

Nate grits his teeth remembering him and Seth's last encounter. 

"Sure, I mean yeah. I know those guys..." 

"Great! I'll do everything. Just be in LA for the 27th." Pat gasps out. "Nathan, listen I gotta go but I'll send over the paperwork once it's drafted. See you in LA."

And he hangs up.

Nate stares down at his blank phone and frowns. 

Well. Looks like he's going back to Los Angeles.

X

A few days later he's sorting through his mail at his kitchen island and tossing all the junk into his paper recycling. 

A small white envelope catches his eye and he turns it over. He instantly recognizes Sid's neat blocky printing and his stomach swoops. 

He tears it open and a small brass key tumbles out. Nate turns it over in his hands and smiles.

There is a small note tucked in the envelope and all it says is, "See you there."

Nate grins.

X

Coming back to Sid's condo in Santa Monica is like stepping back in time. Nothing has changed and Nate instantly feels like he's walking into a dream. 

He runs his hands over the countertops and he turns around in the living room space. So many memories crowd his vision that he has to blink to clear them away. He opens the balcony doors and lets the ocean breeze flow through the space. 

It's weird being here without Sid but he unpacks in their room and starts on dinner. They have to be at the rink tomorrow for orientation but the skills competition isn't until the next day, the 28th. They have a few days.

He manages not to burn anything and tries not to obsessively check his phone for Sid's flight coming in from Pittsburgh. 

The chicken is nearly done and he's fluffing the quinoa when he hears Sid's key in the lock. He pauses and watches the door carefully, butterflies fluttering in his belly.

Sid pushes open the door and blinks at Nate in surprise. "You're cooking."

Nate grins, "And, I haven't burnt anything! Yet."  

Sid laughs and throws this luggage through the door, slamming the door behind him and tackling Nate in a bruising hug. Nate hugs him back just as hard. 

"God, I missed you - " Nate breathes.

"I missed you too." Sid murmurs in Nate's ear. "I'm so happy you're here - it's like a dream seeing you here again - "

Nate kisses him so that he doesn't start to cry. Sid twines his arms around Nate's neck and kisses him back. Nate's hands explore Sid's strong back, getting reacquainted with his body that Nate knows so well. Sid hums in appreciation and allows Nate to deepen the kiss. They stumble back until Nate's back is pressed against the countertop and Sid starts to get more forceful, grinding against Nate and nipping at his lips.

The smoke alarm goes off. Nate yelps and dives around Sid for the oven. "Shit!"

The chicken is (thankfully) okay and they eat around the really burnt bits. Sid makes fun of him for the rest of the evening for it.

The crack a bottle of wine that Sid had stored away and talk, their feet tangled together under the balcony table. 

Nate is about to explode with how bad he wants him so Sid eventually takes pity on him and grabs his hand, leading him to bed. 

Sid makes love to him slow and with the windows thrown open, the sound of the waves heartbreakingly familiar. They gasp against each other's skin and as Sid comes he nearly laughs in pure joy. "I love you. God, I love you - "

Nate comes with a strangled cry. 

Afterwards, they finish the wine in bed, tangled up in Sid's white sheets. Nate updates Sid about Marie and his sister's new boyfriend. Sid talks about his new house and his Christmas in the States. 

Nate pokes at Sid's bruise from a puck and Sid bites at Nate's blisters on his hands from his new hockey stick. It ends up with Nate's face pressed against the sheets while Sid takes him brutally from behind, quick and forceful, Nate nearly sobbing in pleasure. After that, they sleep near instantly, lulled by the sound of the waves and each other's heartbeats.

X

Sid's hands are steady and calm as he does up his black tie.

"It's a bit thick..."

Sid frowns. "What, my thighs?"

Nate rubs his eyes, laughing. "No, sweetheart. Well, yes. Kind of, but no - I meant your tie!"

Sid smooths down the black tie. "I like it."

Nate just shakes his head and Sid turns to him fully. He gestures at his suit. "Well? Besides the tie?"

He looks unbelievable. Every single day Nate cannot believe that he gets to love him.

Nate swallows and Sid snorts.

"Nate - "

"Sorry, sorry. But holy fuck you look - "

A knock on the hotel room door startles them both. Sid casts him a look that screams behave.

Nate nods and stands, willing his blood pressure back down and prays that moving around will shift his blood away from indecent places.

They are upstairs in a hotel getting ready for the NHL's 100 event along with all the other legends of the game receiving their awards tonight. Sid has been officially named one of the NHL's all time best 100 players and there wasn't enough time to get ready at the condo and make the event after they did media all day for the All-Stars.

Nate, naturally, has been with Sid all day. Nate has watched him shake hands and smile goofily for the cameras, give small speeches, take photos with the other guys getting inducted tonight and get ready for the event. Nate is coming too of course, but he's not a guest on honour.

Sid lets in a few representatives from the Penguins media and video team and they set up, not even blinking twice at Nate.  

"Looking good Cap!" 

"Congratulations, Sidney!"

Greg, a videographer grins as he sets up. "You nervous?"

Sid smiles and shrugs. "A little. Not a big speech guy."

They all laugh and nod, knowing it's true.

Angela, the lady Nate met last summer mics up Sid and rummages around for a mic for Nate. "Hi, Nathan. How are you doing? Was your flight okay?"

Nate dodges around her friendly but persistent hands. "Hi, Angela. Yep, it was good - uh don't mic me..."

"Great, not a very long flight from Denver I'd imagine - " she rambles on as she manages to get a mic pinned to Nate's t-shirt. 

"Ang," Sid calls out over her, "Nate won't be here too long, he needs to get ready too - "

She turns to Sid while blindly straightening Nate's shirt. "Just a few soundbites, then we will release you." she rubs Nate's chest with a fond smile. "The fans love you, they're going to be happy to see you."

Nate flushes spectacularly and he can hear Sid choke on a laugh.

"So the dress code is formal hey?" Greg asks, already pointing a camera at them each.

Sid makes his way over the the bathroom, "It's actually a black tie event."

Nate snorts, imitating Sid, "So I wore an extra-thick black tie."

Sid barks a surprised laugh and the cameras just roll. Nate catches a glimpse of Sid's crinkle smile and the warmth in his eyes in a look at Nate associates with them. A sort of Happy Nate look that makes Nate's heart skip a beat every time.

Sid pads back out of the bathroom and sincerely asks. "Do you think it's too wide?"

Nate laughs. "Oh yeah."

Sid knows he's being made fun of so he plays back. "You're really in my kitchen right now."

Nate can't help but laugh.

X

A million cameras flash like stars.

Nate watches from the seats as Sid shines brighter than them all.

After, Sid finds him in the afterparty and hugs him, hidden from the cameras.

"I love you." Sid breathes.

Nate writes it out on Sid's back and Sid's warm laugh makes Nate hold him close.

X

Sid kisses his forehead and smooths his hair back. "Wake up."

Nate grunts, refusing to open his eyes. Sid laughs. "Nate. Babe. Wake up. Come for a swim."

Nate blindly pushes Sid's face away. "Too early."

Sid honks at him, "It's like 10:00. I've been up for hours!"

"You wore me out last night." Nate whines.

Sid snorts and Nate cracks open an eye. Sid looks stupidly proud. "So, you're saying I can outlast you even in my old age - "

Nate barks a laugh and throws a pillow at his smug face. 

Sid climbs over him and pins him to the bed, kissing him hard. Nate can feel himself respond to Sid's attention and he groans. "Love, if we go again, I am going to need a nap - "

"More stamina than a 21 year old!" Sid crows overly loud right by Nate's ear. Nate laughs and squirms away. "You're so annoying get off me - "

Sid licks his earlobe into his mouth and Nate gasps, complaints quickly forgotten. Sid licks and bites the skin behind Nate's ear and Nate gives up, running his hands over Sid's back and over his ass.

Sid smirks and ducks down, licking at one of Nate's nipples. A wandering hand sneaks over Nate's thigh and brushes cautiously against his hole. Nate hisses.

"Shit - sorry." Sid whips his hand away and Nate shakes his head soothing Sid's worried face with a kiss to his cheek.

"No, it's okay. Just a little sore. You uh, really worked me over on the last one." 

Sid honest-to-god blushes. Nate snorts. How Sid can make him scream his name and yet blush like a virgin sometimes makes Nate laugh. He assures him, "No regrets, love. It was hot as hell."

Sid flushes even redder and smiles shyly. Nate laughs, tugging Sid down to kiss his mouth. "Just...gentle. Slow." Sid nods against his lips and the hand comes back.

Sid drags a finger over his sore opening and Nate sighs, spreading his legs and allowing Sid more room. It's tender, but the memory of how it got so sore makes fire creep back into Nate's veins. 

Sid breaches him easily, still slick an open from last night and they both groan. Sid moves his finger in slow, but pauses, thinking. Nate blinks up at him and tilts his head.

Sid looks around the area by Nate's head but doesn't meet his eyes. He's gathering courage to ask for something.

"If I'm bad at this, please don't tell me." Sid whispers, ducking and kissing Nate softly. 

Nate furrows his brows but Sid moves down his body and noses at Nate's hard dick. 

He takes a few deep breaths and meets Nate's eyes. "Every time you do this to me - it feels so fucking good. I'm. I'm going to try."

Nate understands and heat burns through his body. "Sid - "

Sid pushes Nate's legs wider and licks over Nate's hole. 

Nate has done this a lot to Sid but he's never been on the receiving end of this before. Girls don't like it and Sid was too inexperienced with male sex that he felt like he couldn't. Now though...

It feels wet and hot and Nate's soreness somehow adds pleasure along with the heat of Sid's mouth. Nate thrashes on the bed but Sid grabs his hips and forces him still. 

"Holy fuck, Sid." he gasps and he can feel Sid chuckle and probe deeper. 

Nate cries out and is quickly lost, drowning in the feeling. Sid is new to this so he takes his time, learning how to do this as he goes and trying different things to make Nate scream his name. It's obscene and all Nate can think of is how they must look, NHL All-Star Sidney Crosby eating him out while Nate loses his mind in a sunlit condo downtown LA. When Sid latches on and sucks, likely tasting his own come leftover from last night, Nate comes with a yell.

Sid licks once more over Nate and presses his face against the inside of his thigh, panting hot, damp breaths against the pale inside of Nate's legs, fisting himself. 

Nate slaps his shoulder, "Sweetheart, in me. C'mon."

Sid nods, delirious, and shuffles up, plunging into Nate in one move, Nate more than open enough from last night and from Sid's tongue. Sid locks his elbows and thrusts erratically into Nate, his face beet red, his nose scrunched up and his eyes screwed shut. Nate helps where he can, tilting his hips up to meet Sid's and running his hands all over Sid's body. 

"You're so beautiful." Nate whispers and Sid whimpers. "Fuck - I can't believe you're mine."

Sid makes a strangled sound and his eyes snap to Nate's. Sid shakes his head, his eyes consumed in black. "Nate..."

"I get to see you like this, I get to have you..."

Sid comes with a scream, his arms giving out.

Nate holds him against his chest and lets Sid breathe. Nate can feel his small shakes in his shoulders and kisses the side of Sid's head with a smile.

After a few minutes, Sid comes down and rolls off of Nate, avoiding eye contact. Nate lets him go but he notices Sid tensing up, sitting on the edge of the bed overlooking the Santa Monica beach. 

"Love - "

Sid gets up and goes to his dresser, digging around for clothes and underwear. Nate can feel his stomach swoop and his fingers go numb. Something is wrong. He sits up, his ass spectacularly sore, still sweaty and impossibly confused.

"Sid."

Sid is almost fully dressed when he sighs, running a shaky hand over his mouth. 

Nate pulls the sheet up like a protective shield, covering his nakedness. "Sid, did I do something - "

Sid shakes his head and starts to pace. Nate's hands start to shake.

Sid whispers to the floor. "I'm not yours." 

Nate feels the words like a ton of bricks. Horrific sadness crashes into him but the anger is quick to follow. "Sid. You tell me that all the time. How I'm yours." Sid nods, still refusing to look at Nate. Nate searches his face, tamping the anger down. "I belong to you."

It's the simple truth.

Sid keeps pacing, his hands snapping. "But I can't." he breathes.

Ah. Because Sid belongs to someone else.

Nate swallows the hurt but it gets clogged in his thick throat. He nods wordlessly and picks at the white sheet. 

"Right. I'm sorry." he croaks. 

Sid nods, still not making eye contact and turns, leaving the room and closing the door behind him. 

Nate breathes into his hands and tries to remember what Marie told him. Being naked and alone feels disgusting right now so he trips blindly out of bed and finds his clothes, tugging them on without a thought.

Nate goes down to the beach while Sid goes for his run, his favourite LA route that Nate knows well. They reconvene after a few hours in tense silence and make their way over the Staples Center. 

X

The four teams are full of people that they know and they get passed around and chirped instantly when they arrive. Sid is captaining the Metro Team with Bobrovsky, Ovi, Seth Jones, Holtby, Taylor Hall, Tavares and a few more players that Nate doesn't know well. Nate is on the Central Division Team captained by P.K. with Corey Crawford, Seguin, Jonathan Toews, Suter, Laine, Patrick Kane and Duncan Keith and a few others.

When they all move towards the arena's conference centre, P.K. spreads his arms when he sees Nate with a malicious grin. Nate falls behind the large group, tensing his shoulders and planting his feet. P.K. slaps the arm of Suter and comes right up into Nate's space. He can feel his lip curl in a snarl and P.K. laughs at the sight. Nate can see Sid glance behind quick, but he gets pushed along with the crowd.

Good. Nate doesn't want Sid to see this.

P.K.'s breath smells like booze even though it's 2:00 in the afternoon. He sways into Nate's space. 

"Mack Dogg. I saw your name on my roster. Gotta admit, I can't wait to see you play." he grins manically at Nate and Nate tries to side step him. P.K.'s arm shoots out and he grabs Nate's arm hard. 

"Dude, chill. You're so angry all the time. Must be all that suppressed gay shit."

Nate rips his hand off of his arm and leans into P.K.'s space, speaking softly but quickly.

"Listen, you obnoxious fuck. Leave me the fuck alone this weekend and I will leave you alone." Nate flicks his eyes up and down P.K.'s smaller frame dismissively. "Don't start something you can't finish."

A flash of apprehension shoots through P.K.'s eyes but it's gone before Nate can call him on it. 

"Don't think we all didn't notice you and Crosby coming in together, Mack." P.K. grins, enjoying this. "Looking mighty cozy - "

Nate's ears roar and he finally pushes past him towards the conference room. P.K. laughs. "It's too easy man - !"

"P.K. shut the fuck up." Connor McDavid, coming back from the bathroom in his suit arrives out of nowhere and levels P.K. with a glare. Nate is still seeing red but seeing skinny, scruffy, brilliant Connor stand up for Nate is enough to clear some of the red haze. 

P.K. flounders. McDavid is already a living legend, P.K. is lucky to even breathe the same air as him and he knows it.

Connor bumps Nate's shoulder and they resume walking, leaving P.K. behind.

"You okay, Nate?" Connor asks, his hands stuffed in his pockets, not looking at Nate at all.

Nate nods. "Yeah, man. Sorry about - that. He hates me."

Connor nods, still looking away. "Yeah, everyone knows he's weird as fuck."

Nate snorts and most of his anger leaves. He has to ask -

"Did you uh. Hear? Anything?"

Connor shrugs. "No."

Nate can't tell if he's lying or not and he finds out he doesn't want to know.

Nate nods. 

They walk through the halls together, silently.

X

Nate is still feeling a bit raw around Sid but Sid knows that something happened. He corners Nate on the way to the car.

Nate waves him off, "I'm fine, Sid."

Sid's jaw tenses and he gets closer to Nate. "Nate - "

"You're pissed at me anyways." Nate sighs. "Why do you care?"

Sid's eyes flash with anger. "I'm not 'pissed' with you Nate." he spits.

Nate looks at him sarcastically. "Really. You're not mad."

Sid makes a frustrated sound and reaches out for Nate's face. Nate ducks away from his hand. "Can we just - go? Please?"

Sid withdraws his hand, hurt. He nods and Nate tries not to feel guilty.

The doors open behind them and Connor spills out with Keith, Kane, Toews, Simmonds, Marchy, Doughty and Horvat. 

"Hey, Crosby! MacKinnon! We are going to dinner, come join." Dewy shouts. Sid looks quick at Nate's face but then faces them with a forced smile. "Yeah, sure. Nate, you want to?"

He internally sighs. He's tired, angry and hurt, but he doesn't want to go back to the condo alone. He shrugs and nods.

Dewy's face splits into a huge toothless grin. "Fuck ya, boys! Let's go!"

X

The guys are wasted and Nate is venting.

"I mean, I know we suck but like this bad?" he takes a pull from his rum and coke and Connor and Dewy are nodding along, glassy eyed, sympathetic, and hammered.

"Like - fuck. It's so bad - "

Dewy throws his arm across the table and grabs Nate's suit shirt. "Man. I fucking feel you. Like why are some seasons just so shit..."

"That's what I'm saying!" 

Keith beside him offers petulantly, "At least you guys have a fucking team..."

Horvat yells in Keith's ear, so wasted that he cannot control his voice volume. "Don't start on that Dunc I swear to god - "

Sid is the most sober one here and he snorts, "You guys are going for world's most tragic. I may even shed a tear."

It's bitchy but Nate is still angry at Sid so his perception is all messed up, he can't tell if his annoyance is out of line or not. He feels validated when the guys call Sid on it. 

"Must be nice, Mr. Perfect!"

"Yeah fuck you Croz, you're not like this - "

"Two time Stanley Cup champion..."

Sid raises his hands in defense, taking the clap back with a smile. "Okay! Geez, okay."

Nate smirks a bit. The thing is, Sid doesn't know what it's like. His team has had ups and downs but mostly ups. They win because Sid wins. It's what Sid does.

Connor starts tapping away on his phone across the table with a strange look on his face. Nate nudges his foot. "You okay?"

Connor nods, "It's just Leon. He's on break. He made schnitzel." Conner turns the phone around so Nate can see a very rumpled handsome Leon Draisaitl and a plate of schnitzel. Nate can feel his brows furrow. It's the first time he thinks he's ever seen Leon smile. 

Connor puts his phone away and takes a big drink of his gin and tonic. Nate looks at Conner critically. 

"You uh, talk to him a lot?'

Connor nods. "Every day."

Nate nods and spins his glass around. "He seems like a hard guy to know."

Connor hums and shrugs in his twitchy way. "Not to me."

Unbidden, Nate remembers Marchy's words from another bar in Toronto. He looks quickly over at Marchy where he's explaining a PK with salt and pepper shakers as stand-ins for players and animatedly gesturing to Kane and Toews.

Start to look around.

Huh. 

Nate files that away for later. Sid lightly kicks him, shooting him a quizzical look. Nate just shakes his head, mouthing later. Sid nods.

Connor leans across the table red faced and sweaty. "So, are you going to be okay playing for P.K.? I can try to get you on my team - "

Nate blushes. "No man, thanks though. No, he's just an asshole."

Sid looks between them sharply. "P.K.? What did he do?"

Connor ropes Sid into the conversation and Sid leans closer. "P.K. was just giving Nate his usual shit. He's harmless, but still."

Sid's eyes flick to Nate. "What did he say?"

"Nothing - doesn't matter." Nate spins his ice cubes around in his drink.

Sid tenses his jaw but he can tell Nate isn't going to budge on this. Sid lets it go.

X

Until they are back in the condo.

"What did he do Nate?" Sid follows Nate into the bedroom, relentless.

"Sid - "

"Nate. Please." Sid breathes.

It's the pleading that is unexpected. Nate looks at him.

Sid is a bit drunk, stressed, fidgety and honestly looks like he could fly away at any second. Nate remembers last summer, Sid telling him that looking after Nate is his job.

That's just love.

Nate sits heavily on the edge of the bed with a sigh. "He likes to call me a fag. He jokes that I am obsessed with you and that I...uh." he waves a hand, "You know. Whore myself out to you, or whatever."

Sid is silent for a long time. Nate doesn't look up.

"The fight against the Predators." 

Nate nods. Clever, clever Sidney Crosby.

Sid abruptly storms out of the room. Nate blinks after him in confusion. 

"Sweetheart - " 

Sid goes to the kitchen island and grabs his keys and his phone. He spits, "Get in the car. I know where he's staying."

Nate launches himself from the bedroom. "No - nope. Sid, you can't drive!"

"Why not?!" 

"You've been drinking, you're drunk and you're pissed. No." 

"Nate!"

Nate pushes himself into Sid's space. For a split second it looks like Sid is going to push Nate away but then he seems to look at Nate properly and his body relents as if to say oh it's you. I know you.

"Sid, love. No. I'm okay." Nate grabs his face and makes Sid look at him. "I'm okay."

"But he - "

"Fucking let him! He can talk shit all he wants, I don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter."

Sid rips himself away. "You matter, Nate. He shouldn't say that -"

Nate laughs a bit hysterically, "It's true though Sid! Everything he says is fucking true!"

Sid slams his keys back down on the island along with his phone and he stares at Nate. "You aren't my whore, Nate!"

"Aren't I?"

Fuck.

Sid goes pale and Nate for the first time in a fight, can feel tears spring to his eyes. It's somehow worse than swinging out in anger.

The condo is eerily silent in the wake. Nate can distantly hear the waves on the beach. He can feel his legs shake and he can't look away from Sid's face. 

Nate's legs give out and he hits the floor of the condo on his knees. 

"I didn't mean that. Shit. Sid - I didn't mean that."

Sid takes a long deep breath and a small step towards Nate.

"Nate. That is not at all how I see our relationship. Is that the way you see it?"

Yes. No. Maybe.

Nate knows that Sid loves him - but he can't love Nate more than Kathy. Like he said this morning, Nate can belong to Sid, but Sid could never belong to Nate. They could never marry, move in together, have kids - that's too...much. Too gay, too immoral. Too controversial. Too far-fetched. Sid's family may even fucking disown him (excepting Taylor) for loving Nate. Who is Sid without his parents? His parents that have done so much for him, who sacrificed everything so Sid could chase his dream? Not to mention the League would be shady as shit about their relationship and then all Sid would have in this world is Nate and Nate could never be enough.

The bottom line is that Nate needs Sid. Nate will be his dirty little secret if it means having Sid in his life. He will be his whore, a willing warm body while Kathy is away because Nate was made for this, for loving Sid. No matter the cost.

He will be anything Sid needs him to be. 

He shakes his head, staring at the floor and blinking the tears away. He feels floaty, his ears rush. He's so out of it that he can't even tell if his hands are shaking.

Sid sighs and kneels in front of him, carding a hand through Nate's hair. "Breathe, babe."

He jerkily nods and tries to do one of his breathing exercises. Sid's hands move down to his arms and he rubs them to try to stave off the condo's slight AC chill.

After a few paces of breaths, Nate is able to speak. "That's not how I see us either." Nate confesses. At least, it's not the way Nate wants them to be.

Sid pulls him in to his chest and Nate goes willingly. 

He is exhausted. Tired of being angry, tired of being stressed. Sid is warm and strong, Nate feels like he can rest here in his arms for a while if the world will allow it.

"I'm sorry." Sid breathes, still rubbing Nate's arms.

"Me too. For everything today."

Sid shakes his head. "Don't be. I'm - I know this isn't easy."

Nate snorts. "Loving you is the easiest thing in the world Sid."

Sid's breath hitches and he peers down into Nate's face. Nate drowns in his warm, clever eyes. 

Nate huffs a small laugh and touches Sid's cheekbone. It should be frightening right? To feel this for one person? Who is not even his, most of the time? But honestly right now, Nate doesn't give a shit.

Loving Sid was never the problem. The problem is everything else. 

Nate sighs. "I can handle P.K."

Anger flashes in Sid's eyes and he pulls Nate closer, almost in an attempt to protect him from an invisible threat. Nate would laugh if he wasn't so goddamn tired.

"Let him talk. Everyone knows he's a dick anyway." Nate garbles against Sid's neck. 

"I don't like it - "

Nate cuts him off, "I know, love. But we have to fight our own battles sometimes."

Sid sighs and rests his chin on the top of Nate's head.

"Okay."

Nate nods. 

They listen to the waves for a while but Sid eventually tugs them up and strips Nate quietly, pushing them both into the shower.

Curled up on their white, white sheets Sid tucks up as close as he can to Nate's chest. Nate traces his back and listens to the waves. 

"Sid?"

Sid hums.

"Do you think there are others like us out there? In the League?"

Sid rubs his cheek on Nate's collarbone and Nate can feel him think.

"Maybe." he breathes, a bit sad and a bit hopeful.

Nate kisses the top of his head and Sid holds him a little tighter.

X

The All-Stars skills competition is actually pretty fun.

Nate is a bit starstruck and overly loud, overly giggly, thrilled to be included with this elite group of guys who are all so fucking good. Nate knows he is out of place, but he does have fun. Snoop Dog is their DJ for the skills competition and Nate still can't believe this is his life.

Kane, Toews, Keith, Ovi, and Sid get their own entrance onto the ice with strobes and fog, celebrating their recent inclusion on the Top 100 Best NHL Players of All Time list. Sid is the last to come out and the watching fans lose their minds when the announcers call his name. Nate smiles. Sid looks a bit embarrassed, but smiles as he skates up beside Ovi. 

Nate is pitched against Connor for the speed skating competition and Sid bumps his shoulder in encouragement before they start. Connor, of course, wins to the surprise of no one but Nate has fun trying to chase him. It's a bit of a compliment actually, to be compared to Connor, even if he did lose.

Sid and him are careful, but the cameras catch them a few times together, laughing and poking fun at one another. They steer clear of P.K. and the tension from yesterday evaporates as they throw themselves into the silly competitions. 

X

"You're bad at this." Sid states flatly as another ball ricochets off of the pool table's rim and bounces around the table.

"Fuck off Lil Croz."

Sid laughs his gummy, stupid laugh and Nate tries not to stare. 

Marchy throws a french fry at Nate in retaliation. "Dude. We aren't going to win if you don't even try!"

Nate pokes Marchy with his pool cue, dodging fries. "I am trying!"

"Well goddamn son, you fucking suck!" Marchy exclaims, standing up to get ready for his shot. 

Simmonds shushes them, spraying spit everywhere and spinning his hands around like a mad-man. "My partner is shooting, shut up!"

Sid's tongue pokes out as he concentrates and he nails the ball neatly in the centre left pocket.

Marchy groans. "Nathanial, you owe me a beer."

Nate shrugs and nods. It's only fair. 

Sid's warm eyes catch Nate's in the dim, dive-bar's light and Nate feels a pulse of heat zing to his groin. 

They are intoxicated and incognito in a dingy, dirty old bar near Venice Beach. It's only the four of them, the rest of the guys wanted to hit the clubs. Sid, true to his word, has only ever set foot in a club since Europe the once in Cannes. He avoids them at all costs and Nate is secretly thankful. That night was scary as fuck and Nate does not want another repeat.

A few people recognized Sid on the street but no one seems to in the bar. Considering that the multiple TVs around the bar are tuned into the basketball game, Nate figures this is much more of a basketball bar than LA Kings bar.

Sid neatly cleans the whole table and Marchy throws his pool cue at Nate. "I'm getting drinks. Strong drinks. We are going again in 5 and I want Sid."

Simmonds throws his drink back and follows Marchy to the bar, "But if you get Sid, I get MacKinnon and honestly Marchy after the year I've had..."

Nate frowns as he watches them go and Sid steps up close to Nate, weaving his arm around Nate to grab his drink behind him, quietly laughing.

"Oh ha ha."

Sid laughs harder and doesn't move away from Nate's space. "You are pretty bad."

Nate blushes and fiddles with his pool cue. Sid takes a drink and tilts his head back to look at him, his eyes flashing gold in the bar lights. Nate wants to devour him. Sid's smile turns into a smirk. He knows how bad Nate wants him.

Sid finishes his drink and puts it back down behind Nate, pressing his body into Nate's torso. Nate seriously gets lightheaded and breathes in Sid's scent.

"Sid..."

"C'mon." Sid grabs his cue. "I'll teach you."

Nate groans but settles up to the table. Sid braces a hand on Nate's hip and adjusts him and Nate moves to his touch, easy.

Sid sets up some balls and gestures for Nate to try. 

Nate's head is swimming from the drinks and from Sid's proximity and undivided attention. He's at half mast already and he wants more than anything to tackle Sid to the table. 

He hits the ball, but it misses the target. Sid chuckles and goes and gets it, setting it up again. Warm hands wrap around Nate's arms from behind and Sid kicks one of his feet out wider. 

"Look down the cue. Keep it straight." Sid whispers in his ear and Nate is almost undone.

Sid presses almost his whole body against Nate's back like a fire brand and Nate can feel Sid's half hard cock in his jeans. Nate closes his eyes, desire spiking uncontrollably.

"Sid - "

Nate has no idea if anyone else is seeing this, if Marchy and Simmonds even care. Nate grinds back against Sid just a fraction and Nate can feel Sid's breath hitch. 

"Hit the ball."

Nate whines and Sid laughs, dark and rich. "Nate - "

He tries. It misses.

"You're a terrible teacher." Nate hisses as one of Sid's broad, warm hands braces itself low on Nate's belly.

"Bathroom, Nate...please let me - "

"Okay!" Marchy arrives back from the bar and Sid moves away from Nate's back leaving Nate cold and unspeakably horny. "Drinks, you vagrants even though I lost because of Brick Shit House over there." Marchy thumbs at Nate and Simmonds passes Sid another rum and coke. 

Nate takes a few deep breaths and leans his hands on the table, trying to calm down. Marchy hands Nate a drink and shakes his head. "Nathan. Do better."

Nate nods, unable to speak.

X

Marchy lights up a joint as they leave the bar. Nate is drunk and Sid has his arm around Nate's waist, in part to steady him and to steady himself. 

Nate waves the pungent smoke away from his face and Marchy laughs. Simmonds is pretending to be a basketball star from the TVs tonight and is dribbling an imaginary ball on the sidewalk under the street light. It's strangely beautiful and Nate is transfixed. 

The League would kill them all if they knew that they were out getting wasted downtown LA at 2:00 in the morning before the All-Stars game the next day. Today. Whatever.

"Okay, Brick Shit House." Sid giggles at the name, "Bed. C'mon." and pulls Nate down the street. He calls out over Nate's shoulder to Marchy and Simmonds. "You guys better come sleep at our place - we are all a mess."

Oh right. That makes sense. Coming into a hotel smelling like weed and booze before an All-Star game would look bad.

"You're so smart sweetheart." Nate breathes.

Sid laughs again.

The door to the bar opens and closes and Nate can hear the noise from the bar get loud and then quiet as the door swings shut.

They stumble down the street and a voice yells from behind them. "Where you boys off to?"

Marchy looks at Sid and Nate and furrows his brows.

"Nowhere," Marchy calls back, turning, taking another pull from the joint. 

Nate at this point knows Marchy well. He can see Marchy's hackles start to go up but in his drunken brain, he doesn't understand why. He tugs Sid closer to him and turns the face the group of guys.

"Just seemed like you boys were a bit lost down here." One of the guys stops under the streetlight and his two friends flank him. He's clearly the ringleader. They are all white, heavy guys and one of them is unironically wearing a John Deer trucker hat. 

Marchy, of course, clocks this and tilts his head to the side. "Looks like you're a long ways from home too, you country hick. What, did your sister run out on you - tired of you screwing your cousin?"

Holy fuck. Nate turns to Marchy in disbelief. 

The front guy gets an ugly look on his face and spits at Marchy's face. "You fucking fags."

Nate tries not to flinch but he uses his arm around Sid's shoulders to push Sid back, stepping in front of him beside Marchy. Simmonds stands on Marchy's other side and cracks his neck.

Marchy stubs out the joint and sighs. "The prostate is very stimulating boys - "

"Shut the fuck up!" one of the back ones yells, "Those two faggots were climbing all over each other all night in our bar." he gestures at Nate shielding Sid. Nate can feel himself snarl.

"What, jealous boys?" Simmonds grins with a scary glint in his eyes. "Sorry, they're spoken for." 

"Shut up you fucking nigg-"

Nope. Nate's heard enough. 

Clearly Marchy agrees because next thing Nate knows he's caught the lead guy clean across the face while Marchy ducks around a fist from one of the other ones. Simmonds gets a solid gut punch in to the other guy and Sid football tackles one the one going after Marchy right to the concrete. 

Nate hasn't been in very many real fights off the ice before. Once in high school, mostly on a rage filled dare and once at a hockey camp with a rival team from the States. Nate knows Sid has been in a few, mainly one on a baseball diamond and a few also in his youth. He's surprised at how quiet everything is. In movies and TV shows, there is so much sound - but this is nothing like that.

4 professional athletes are not really a fair match for 3 overweight random guys but they are pissed, drunk and big. One of them pins Nate to the ground and stomps hard on his stomach. Nate curls up, winded and he can hear Sid make a sound he's never heard him make before and swing at the guy standing over Nate. 

Nate can hear the bar door open, a yell and then the bar door open again. People start to show up. From his position on the ground, Nate can see some of the spectators whip out their phones.

Shit.

Nate grabs Marchy's leg. "Marchy!" a kick lands to the back of Nate's head and he sees stars. Marchy pushes the guy off of Nate and tries to pull Nate up. "No, fuck - Marchy get him out of here!" Nate points to the cameras and Marchy takes a split second to understand. He doesn't even acknowledge Nate but abruptly turns, grabbing Sid around the waist and hauling him backwards, hustling him down the street.

Sid fights Marchy off spitting curses and trying to dive towards Nate but Nate gets another punch right across his face where he's still pinned on the ground and he isn't aware of much after that, except the sound of Sid yelling his name. 

Some of the spectators jump in when they see the fight isn't fair with a 3 on 2 and Simmonds manages to duck around the chaos and drag Nate away. He pulls Nate up and they run, blindly down an alley and away from the cameras. Nate pukes at one point and Simmonds keeps him steady, slinging Nate's arm around his shoulders. "I got you man. I got you."

They wind up somehow on the beach and finally collapse, Simmonds checking behind them to see if they were followed.

Nate sprawls in the cold sand and breathes, fighting the nausea down.

Simmonds huffs, panting. "Shit."

Nate nods. He blinks up at the hazy nighttime sky that hides the stars and rubs his jaw. "Fuck - ow."

Simmonds bats his hand away to look at Nate's quickly swelling welt. He grits his teeth when he sees it. "Man, those motherfuckers."

Nate sits up with a sigh and Simmonds leans back, shaking his head. "I'm sorry they said that shit about you, Nate."

Nate looks at him, "What they said to you was way worse."

Simmonds laughs humourlessly. "If you think I haven't heard that shit before man, you're an idiot."

Nate looks at him slightly horrified. Simmonds shakes his head. "Dude. I'm like one of, what? 15? Black guys in the League. Trust me, we've heard it all."

"In Canada too?"

Simmonds just shakes his head with a small bitter smile. "They like to say the world has changed. The League has changed. You and I both know that isn't true."

You and I. Nate included.

Nate's normal reaction would be to deny it, fight back. But Simmonds is right. And in a weird way, he's one of the only ones who understands. Their situations are drastically different of course, but - he gets it. In a way. They just don't fit in the "Perfect Hockey Player" mold that everyone thinks of when they think of hockey.

Nate sighs kicking his feet into the sand. "Yeah."

Simmonds just nods. They look out over the water. 

X

After about 20 minutes making sure they weren't followed, Simmonds and Nate trudge back to the condo. 

The adrenaline from the fight leaves and they both feel the exhaustion set it, their alcohol buzz long gone.

Nate's phone smashed in the fight and Simmonds doesn't have Sid or Marchy's number so they have no idea how the other two faired getting away - or if any cameras caught Sid.

Nate has his key though so they make it in around 3:00 am. The lights are still on in the kitchen and Marchy sees them first. He's got a frozen bag of corn on his shoulder and is sitting on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island. Nate catches a flash of real, genuine relief on his face before his face splits into a shit-eating grin. "Well, well, well. Looks like they'll let anyone in here."

Simmonds chuckles, "If you would have just kept your big rat-ass mouth shut - "

Sid hurtles through their bedroom door and stops, taking stock of Simmonds and then falling his eyes to Nate. 

Sid looks okay. He looks fine. Nate releases a big breath and Sid is in his arms.

Nate doesn't care that Simmonds and Marchy are there, Nate suspects they know anyway, so he buries his face in Sid's neck and breathes him in.

He's okay. They are okay.

Nate looks up at Marchy over Sid's shoulder and he manages to croak, "Thank you."

Marchy waves Nate off but he's smiling at them. "Course, man."

"Did anyone - ?" Nates asks.

Marchy shakes his head. "No, I mean they caught the fight but the footage is all too dark and Sid was only in one video for maybe like 2 seconds before we leave. You can't even tell it's him."

Nate sighs in relief. Thank fuck.

Nate rocks Sid a bit before Sid releases him, stepping back so he can look at his face. Sid braces a hand on Nate's stomach as he touches Nate's bruise on his jaw and Nate gasps in pain. 

Sid pulls his hands away and starts to tug on Nate's shirt. Nate tries to fight him off, but Sid would see it eventually so he relents and lets Sid tug his shirt right off.

Marchy, Simmonds and Sid all grimace at the sight of a near-perfect boot print on Nate's abdomen. Sid goes eerily still, staring hard at it. 

Simmonds sits heavily on the couch with a glass of water. "You should check his eyes too Sid, they got a good kick to the back of his head and he puked."

Sid's eyes shutter and he pulls Nate more into the light. 

"Sid..."

"Shut up."

Nate lets Sid maneuver him so Sid can check his pupils. Nate lets him look and he can see Sid's jaw tense. 

"I can't tell. Are these lights too bright?" 

Nate shakes his head.

"Do you feel nauseous still?"

A little, but Nate thinks it's more from the booze than anything. He shakes his head again.

"Do you smell toast?" Marchy offers, transferring his corn to his other hand.

"Shut the fuck up Marchy." Sid snaps. He's starting to panic, he is breathing too fast.

"Sid, sweetheart - "

"Nate, don't you fucking dare, you might have a concussion, we should take you to the hospital - "

Nate pulls him in to his arms. Sid protests at first but Nate tightens his arms and kisses his temple. "Breathe, love."

Sid is shaking in his arms and still is breathing too quick. 

"I'm okay. I'm beat up, but I'm okay. I don't think I have a concussion."

Sid makes an unhappy sound and Nate rubs his back. "Breathe. I'm okay."

Marchy and Simmonds watch quietly as Sid starts to calm down. The cat is fully out of the bag now in terms of their 'friendship' but Nate can't care when Sid is this close to a full on panic.

Marchy eventually hands them a small first aid kit and Nate gets pulled onto the couch. Sid gets to work with shaking hands and a grim set to his jaw. Simmonds and Marchy come over and sit with them and watch the LA sun rise over the city as Sid patches Nate up.

X

"Sid! It's a dream! Sid!"

"Nate - they..."

"It was a dream, love."

"No, you were crushed - the rocks. They didn't care...

"It was a dream. I'm here, I'm okay."

"You're - "

"I'm okay."

"...They could have killed you."

"But they didn't. I'm okay."

"They could have killed you and it was my fault."

"Sid, no."

"...I was the one all over you in that bar."

"Sweetheart - "

"Nate I love you, I'm so sorry."

"I know, Sid. I don't blame you, it was their fucking bigotry..."

"I am yours."

"......"

"I lied. Nate, this scares me sometimes, how much I need you. I got scared, I didn't mean a word of it - "

"Sid, Sid, it's okay, I know."

"No, I hurt you. I'm so sorry. And I almost lost you because of my stupid - "

"No. Sid. No. This wasn't your fault."

"Can I do that? Can I belong to you both?"

"Yes, anything. Yes."

"I love you - "

"Love you too, ah, harder Sid, please."

"You're incredible, so strong - "

"Fuck, Sid. Fuck, I'm going to come -"

"Please, please. I want to see it."

"Sid, ah, Sid."

".....God, you're - fuck. Perfect. Nate -"

"....."

"....."

"...Sleep, sweetheart. I'm okay. I'm right here."

"We are okay."

X