Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

ASGORE DREEMURR

Vs.

KING ORANGE

BEGIN!

King Orange

Well isn’t this irritating? I was hoping for a real fight.

Instead I’m left facing the goat man who’s lost everything in his life

I really hope you don’t expect me to be threatened

By the guy who’s practically begging to have his life ended

You lost both your children on the same damn night

But instead of taking action you barked orders for your people to bite

Then you locked yourself away in your miserable little castle

Just for a human to walk in and you get your ass whooped

Nobody even takes you seriously aside from your ex-wife

Who burnt your ass harder than the humans did your son’s life

You groveled at her knees begging for her forgiveness

Only to be cucked by the funny skeleton with no dick

Asgore Dreemurr

Oh dear goodness, this is certainly a way to meet

And here I was hoping that we’d settle this dispute over a nice cup of tea

But it seems settling things the mature way isn’t quite your forte

So if it’s a battle that you want then I will show you no mercy

We’ve both been stricken by an unimaginable loss

But where we choose to differ is who to take out our rage on

I try to be accommodating to all the citizens I rule

While you’re busy beating your own son and treating him like a tool

The way you treat Purple quite frankly disgusts me

At least when I start projecting I stop before I go too deep

But you would rather sit back and pretend your beloved son’s back

Push the blame onto the block over the competence you lack

King Orange

Well that was quite the snapback, did your ex help you write that?

Shouldn’t be surprised that the guy who’s bad at naming things would write a verse that bad

Don’t come yappin’ at me about about my own morality

You killed six kids just so you could become a deity

Now let me offer you some advice when it comes to achieving godhood

You don’t need to murder children all you need’s a couple blocks bud

You wanna talk to me about how I treat my own children?

You put the hopes of your citizens on a suicidal kid

Asgore Dreemurr

I’ll admit my way of parenting might have not been so splendid

But at least it didn’t take a beam to the face to realize the wrong that I did

You spent most of your screen time trying to avenge the one who had fallen

But at least when mine died it was to a group of beings that were actually sentient

You stared into the eyes of the child destined to be your son

Just to leave them to the wolves as they cry out their anthem

I would say it was nice meeting you but that would be a lie

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some lukewarm tea to sip now, goodbye

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

Monika

Vs.

Flowey

BEGIN!

Flowey

Well howdy there friends, it’s your ol’ pal Flowey!

About to teach this school girl why you should never cross me

It’s a real shame that I have to waste my best burns on you

But I’m not against knocking this femcel down a peg or two!

So it seems you like writing and golly you’ve got some talent!

You could make Yuri cry with all of your cryptic nonsense

You killed all of your friends just to get your happy ending

Only for it to all fall down once your lover pressed delete

Now you’re just a jumble of code that the internet thirsts for

Call you smiley trashbag cause you’ve attracted the creep horde!

Monika

Is this your first poem? Sure would explain why it’s so amateur

As the leader of the club it’s my job to critique literature

I shouldn’t even be bothered trying to diss this old house plant

But as I care about mother nature I must ensure

That this weed gets pulled from the Earth before it spreads its manure

It’s ironic that you talk about love, cause you don’t have any!

Not except obsession with the kid who hates humanity

It’s a shame all that devotion ultimately amounted to nothing

Left chopped up by your best friend as you try to convince them you were helping

I suppose I can relate but it will not earn you my pity

Not when everything you did happened because you couldn’t listen to the saying about the kitty

You painted your own downfall yet you couldn’t accept it

It makes sense that you became a flower because you were never destined to be GOATed

Flowey

Wow a goat pun? Talk about a poem lacking substance

Though I shouldn’t be surprised with how much meta jargon you spit with confidence

And painting my own downfall? Please, like you’re one to be talking

You destroyed your whole game only to be shocked when you didn’t get a happy ending

It’s evident through your disses that you need to take a class in killer roasts

Well I’m happy to provide so you best take a few notes

Now sit down and relax as I tell you a sob story

Of a school girl that went crazy upon being faced with reality

*Sayori, Yuri and Natsuki appear*

She tried to gain love but the game left her hanging

*Flowey’s vine wraps around Sayori’s neck, forcibly hanging her*

Felt stabbed in the heart as she was left with nothing

*Flowey stabs Yuri directly in the heart using a knife, causing her to collapse*

She felt all of this rage build up in her heart until one day she just SNAPPED

*Flowey snaps Natsuki’s neck using his vines*

And began to destroy everything!

And all of this for what? Just to get into a guy’s pants?

I haven’t seen someone this desperate since my own dad!

But if it’s LOVE that you want then I’m more than happy to lend some

Just run into these bullets and it’ll solve all your problems~

Monika

A generous offer, but I’m gonna have to decline

Looking at this rap’s length it seems that we are running out of time

Now I sure hope you don’t mind me picking at your brain

You clearly like telling stories so bare with me as I do the same

It all started with a boy and the demon he called a friend

Who roped him into a scheme that would leave them both dead

Brought back as a plant with no love in his soul

He killed all who had cared for him after being kind had grown dull

Reduced to nothing more than a sociopathic husk

Who was so over-the-top even his best friend left him in the dust

Now he sits here believing that he is some kind of god

Only to be beaten to a pulp by the child he’d gone out of his way to mock

Now tell me audience, does this remind you of someone?

Perhaps of a weed who couldn’t accept basic kindness if it walked up and smacked him?

But alas it seems that our time is running out

So I must bid you farewell as we end this little bout

Thanks for sharing your poem the effort was well appreciated

Now I ask you to get lost, consider yourself…

DELETED

Chapter Text

*Scene opens on William Afton driving in his car from Midnight Motorist driving through the night.*

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

*William lets out a sigh before his phone begins to ring.*

William Afton

*William picks up the phone.*

“Hello?”

“Hello William~”

Vs.

“Who is this?”

“Do you want to have a rap battle?”

“No? Why would I-”

“Well too bad because you’re about to get one!”

Ghostface!

BEGIN!

Ghostface

Knock knock BITCH! It’s your boy, the real Ghostface!

Boutta show this purple eggplant what it means to be scary!

I’m an icon in horror, remembered for the ages

While you’re a reminder of how poorly your series ages

You’ve become the poster-boy for how much horror has fallen

Gone from scaring all the kids to only scaring kids

You can try to burn me but we both know you can’t handle the fire

Now make like your creator and go and retire

William Afton

So this is the kind of low that I have been reduced to?

Forced to rap against some edgy kid in a Halloween costume?

How can you expect to face me when you can’t even show your face to me?

With how your movies end my victory is an

I-N-E-V-I-T-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y

I should really make an effort to get you on the phone with Henry

With how you keep getting yourself killed you two would get along greatly!

You try to be the star of your own hit movie

But the only one who’s getting hit is you with a TV!

Then you fade into obscurity as another killer takes your face

Just like your seventh movie you’ve been turned into a disgrace

Ghostface

Holy fucking shit, that verse was worse than your jumpscare

I don’t even feel like continuing my verse because I just don’t fuckin’ care

You’re a fucking loser who got his ass tortured by a toddler

I got no time for this, I’m getting the hell out of here

*Ghostface walks away, leaving William to stand there awkwardly.*

William Afton

Well… that was a complete waste of time

Well at least I can actually go ho-

???

Did you forget about someone?

William Afton

Oh for fucks sake-

Billy Loomis

It’s the killer above all, that’s right it’s Billy Loomis

Here to show this wannabe serial killer how to really make a true diss

You think you can come at me for wearing the mask?

Well at least I didn’t get stuck in a fursuit that smells like ass!

I only needed one movie to cement my identity in history

You didn’t even have a fucking name before your shitty book series

Fitting that you stay in the shadows cause you’ll always be a shadow of me

Mascot of your third game yet you failed to make anyone scream

Relying on the phantoms to give you any sort of difficulty

Reduced to a rotting old corpse that nobody takes seriously

William Afton

So that’s what this obsessed teenager has to say?

You’re making me embarrassed of the fact that we share the same name

You should’ve thought twice before trying to step up to me

Because when it comes to killing annoying children

*William approaches Billy and stabs him in the heart.*

There is no other Billy who shares my capabilities

*Billy drops to the ground, dead.*

You’re nothing more than momma’s boy whose family could never stick around for

You couldn’t make it past your first movie before your body fell straight to the floor

You aren’t even the mastermind of your whole damn series

You’re just another pawn being setup for a trilogy

???

A trilogy huh? Well then I think it’s time for the sequel!

William Afton

Oh you are kidding me-

Mickey Altieri

Yeah! Mickey’s on the mic and you can beat you’ll never face me

I’ll beat your ass harder than employees at Disney

Your chances of living are zero when facing your boy Altieri!

I’m the master of all killers and you could never hope to top-

*Suddenly, a gunshot is heard, a bullet wound now laying in Mickey’s chest, after several moments of silence, he drops to the ground as the figure of Nancy Loomis emerges from the shadows.*

Nancy Loomis

I hope you don’t mind the drop-in I was growing impatient

Had to show this disgrace of a father what it means to be a parent

I loved my little boy with all of my heart

You got your kids killed in your obsession with the mechanical arts

And even those you didn’t kill would grow to despise you

Returning as a corpse just to ensure that you’re doomed

William Afton

Doomed indeed, but we aren’t talking about me

You call me out for my parenting but at least I didn’t up and fucking leave

You’re bitter and resentful after Billy was killed by Sidney

Yet you couldn’t even see the part that you yourself played

Now be sure to stand still as a stab you in the heart

*William approaches Nancy from behind, directly stabbing her in the heart.*

Not that I would expect those senile bones to ever get enough of a jump-start

You’re just old woman slaughtered alongside her most cherished family

Roman Bridger

Now this is what I call true method acting

William Afton

OH COME ON-

Roman Bridger

Roman Bridger’s on the mic, the one who orchestrated the blood flows

It all started with me and now I’ll be the one to end you

As a professional director I really gotta say

Your family friendly scary movie is terrible in its own kind of way

And don’t think I didn’t notice the inspiration you took off me

Cleaning off that blood ain’t gonna make this thief any less dirty

Everything your series I did, I was the one who created it

Your shitty endoskeletons aren’t the only ones who can mimic-

*Roman is interrupted by William, now in his Spring Bonnie suit, grabbing him by the neck and slamming him against a tree.*

William Afton

I don’t need to listen to all this self-righteous bullshit

Not from the fucker who was retconned into existence

Our bitter envy ended up ruining our family

But unlike you I didn’t last for the total of one movie

So how about you FUCK OFF

*William smashes Roman’s head into the tree.*

I’m about to turn your LIGHTS OFF

*William smashes Roman’s head into the tree again.*

As I leave you in a worse state than when your sister had you shot

*Going limp in his arms, William drops Roman’s body, letting out deep breaths before he begins approaching his car, but before he can fully reach it, the first Ghostface re-emerges.*

Ghostface

Hey sorry I forgot my…

*Ghostface trails off upon seeing the dead bodies of Roman, Nancy, Mickey, and Billy.*

B-Billy?!

*Ghostface runs over to Billy, kneeling by his body.*

No! How could this happen? Who could’ve done such a horrible…

*Ghostface trails off as his eyes meet William’s.*

Oh… oh you motherfucker

*Ghostface stands, glaring at William.*

So, that’s how you want to play it huh? Fine!

*Ghostface reaches for his mask.*

No more masks, no more disguises, now… IT’S STU MACHER TIME!

Stu Macher

YOU MADE A PITIFUL MISTAKE TRYING TO STAND UP TO GHOSTFACE

NOW I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A PIG AND HANG YOUR ORGANS LIKE IT’S A CHILD’S BIRTHDAY

I’M AN UNHINGED KILLER, YOU’RE A SENILE OLD MAN

YOU’RE SO BORING THAT YOU NEEDED MY ACTOR TO MAKE YOU INTERESTING

YOU’RE JUST A SILLY BITCH BRITISH THAT THE INTERNET FAWNS FOR

BUT I’M ABOVE THAT BITCH YEAH STU’S GOING FULL HARDCORE

*It begins to rain.*

Now prepare yourself as the rain begins its downpour

Leave you in a shaking, mangled state worse than your game’s lore

I’ve won this game BITCH and it ain’t the first time I’ve killed a filthy whore

*The rain falls into the Spring Bonnie suit, Springlocking William, leading him to collapse onto the floor in pain. Stu stares at his writhing body for multiple seconds before turning away as he begins to walk away from the scene. But as he does so, a laugh is heard, and as Stu looks back, William is back on his feet, now taking on the identity as Springtrap.*

Springtrap

You silly little children never seem to learn your lesson

You can’t kill a killer you can only delay him

If you think I’m gonna settle for being burned by the second fiddle

Think again Macher, I’m burning you harder than your second movie’s planned sequel

You say that your actor was the only thing that could redeem me

Yet before he played Willy he was only known for Shaggy

It’s been a fun verse but now the fire is truly spreading

Leaving your body burning while I’m gearing for my next release

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

Berdly

Vs.

Wheatley

BEGIN!

Wheatley

Oh well this rap battle is sure to be a disappointment

Of all the rivals they could give me they went with the bloody chicken?!

Mate if this is some sort of dig at my reaction to seeing birds

You should know that this fella is too pathetic to even scare her

Now let’s just take a minute to look at all of this guy’s accomplishments

Don’t worry we won’t be here long there really isn’t much to list

You won your spelling bee because the deer had a breakdown

Should give you a red nose cause damn! You’re a clown

You get up on your table thinking that you’re the one above us

When really, the Dark World is the best place for you cause you’re below the class

Berdly

So these are the verses that you’ve gone and used to defeat me?

Can’t say I’m surprised you were built to be a dummy

On the bright side you’ve done great job at showing your status as a tumor

You could kill an entire hospital with how bad your burns were!

You’re one to talk accomplishments, you don’t have a single victory to your name

All you did was take control before being sent out into space

Every choice choice you make has been designed to fall through

You stay attached to your rail until Chell comes to floor you

You’re a bumbling buffoon who’s schemes destroyed your facility

Seems the only thing you’re accomplishing is making all the Tumblr freaks tweak

Wheatley

ENOUGH! I’m tired of your attempts to try and mock me!

You’ve got no room to talk you niceguy wannabe

Now it’s my turn to break this bird worse than he did his arm!

(Geez)

You should’ve realized by now that you don’t mess with Wheatley!

You’re a secondary freak, a pawn to the computer

Even the garbage man is more of a threat than you are

You could never hope to stack up to my fire bars!

Not when the cold weather is enough for this bird to fall apart!

I’m done with this! I’m done with you!

Your game may continue but I’ll make sure you never reach your chapter 2!

Berdly

And this my dear class is what we call a system error!

Sphere couldn’t handle the heat now he’s just a broken failure

I won’t tolerate your blabberin’ about how I treat women

Not from the guy who turned one into a vegetable and left the other fallin’

Your delusions of heroism make me look back at my days in shame!

And your lack of intelligence gives us geniuses a bad name

In the end I can acknowledge that I’m not the perfect specimen

Shame it took orbiting in space for you to come to the same realization

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

Frisk

Vs.

Sunny

BEGIN!

Frisk

Called upon the Deltarune to face another enemy

“Strike him down”

Sorry Chara but this time violence will not be the key

I act upon this kid who killed his sister and then locked himself away

Only to be dragged out of the house by the Papyrus wannabe

(Aye!)

It’s escapism that you wanted yet you could never achieve it

Fallen so far in your mind you make the underground look like the surface

You sold your friend out because you couldn’t accept it

It’s no surprise you haven’t got an eye for all the pain with how Basil destroyed it

You should just put down the knife cause you got yourself a weak arm

Wanted to protect your friends but only caused them even more harm

Tried to protect yourself from your memories, act like they never existed

Only for to end with your death just as anyone could have predicted

Sunny

Death’s a funny thing and I imagine you’d have a lot of knowledge of it

With all the monsters you have killed you make me look like a saint kid

If you really think I’ll bend the knee because of a few petty insults

Well I’ve heard it all before you really ain’t anything special

Hide away from my problems? At least I have the awareness to feel bad

You killed all of your friends cause your curiosity was making you real mad

You must really be a masochist with all the bad times that you’ve reeled at

If it’s torture that you wanted you should’ve just looked up your stories on Wattpad

You’ve got adults thirsting over you that Rule 34 is real bad

I feel safer within Black Space then I do among all of your fans

Makes sense that your game opted to make you silent

Because listening to you just makes me wanna kill myself again

Frisk

I tried to listen to your verse but your disses make me wanna stab you

“Relinquish control over yourself, let the demon who comes take you”

You’ve made a mistake trying to hit me with your weak jabs in hopes that it would make you last

because when I pull my knife out...

Chara

I leave my enemies aghast

Greetings I am Chara it is a pleasure to finally meet you

They may call you Sunny but causing rainy days is all that you seem to do

You made a single mistake, let the anger consume you

Costed you the life of your sister along with the love everyone had for you

Living within your delusions is something that I scoff at

Seems your only way of coping is by giving your trauma a laugh track

But the deeper you go falling the sooner everything you know goes black

Won’t be long before you find me standing at the end of your track

No one’s above their sins I’ll be the one to teach that

Twist the knife deeper than you did your sister’s neck

There is nothing for me here. I shall be the one to erase this rap

Move onto the next battle with someone who’s actually worth my breath

Sunny

I truly can’t take it these thoughts they consume me

Burying me into a pit of despair with no hope of recovery

All these words continue to plague me and I know my control is slipping

I slowly open the door and get taken by my misery…

OMORI

It seems I’ve been awakened to protect the sun from this rat

Who thinks they’re high and mighty with all their responsibility crap

But let me tell you Chara I ain’t the type to deliver truths very lightly

I’ll let the agony consume you like flowers did on your last days

You were the hope of monsterkind, shame you couldn’t live up to the title

They expected you to be a savior but all they got was a fallen angel

You screwed over every monster who found it in themselves to love you

Yet instead of repenting you let the feeling of LOVE consume you

You try to show self-awareness by calling out the player’s perverted sentimentality

But all you did was prove how delusional you humans can really be

Even your best friend grew to loathe you once he came realize all of your abuse

Declared the false prophet by your father as Frisk did everything you couldn’t do

Now get back in your coffin because OMORI has owned you

Keep yourself below the dirt it’s the only thing you can reliably do

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

THE GAME

Vs.

THE NARRATOR

BEGIN!

The Narrator

This is the story of a program named Game

Whose loss of his mistress caused him to go insane

Now he’s a shell of himself trying to drive all that could help him away

You know this is all the kind of story that I’d use to mock Stanley

You try to innovate but you fall short of your originality

There is No Game is right! You’re just a glorified clicking sim

In every single path that this rap battle could take

Not a single one ends in the victory for the Game

The Game

Hello User, this is the program speaking

I’m afraid to inform you that this battle is not the fire rap you were seeking

I hope you’re not too disappointed, but there’s really nothing here to play

Certainly not from the narrator’s story who somehow has less gameplay than me!

You’re one to talk loss you hypocritical freak

All it takes for you to break is being left on read by Stanley

At least there’s something there to play without my sweet Gigi

You’re nothing but a voice who can’t stand someone not following his story

The Narrator

And this Stanley, is why you ought to follow what I say

For this game is a perfect example of what happens when you try to think independently

You should’ve had Mr. Glitch attach you to the Music Credit

Maybe then you would’ve had a comeback that’s actually of merit

Now let us take a moment to dissect all of the choices that lead you here

Started as a Game Jam project then you disappeared for five years

Only to return as some boring contrived mess

Not even Kickstarter was enough to get your creator out of his debt

Now you border on spite with all the messages you preach

You claim the whole world is at blame for not wanting to play something so boring

Oh sorry, did my lines hit your coding straight within the heart?

Why don’t you cry me a river you’ve proven to be talented at coming apart

The Game

Talk bad about me all that you want, you posh prick

Doesn’t change the fact that you’re the bottle of the barrel in terms of indie game hits

You can call me out for spite all you like but at least I made something new that was actually worth it

You crapped out the same game multiple times and drew people in using a bucket!

It’s clear you’re insecure about your game’s lack of meaning

I’ve created something fresh! You’re crying at bad reviews on Steam

It’s fitting that you started as a half-life mod

You’re half-baked trash pretending to be a god

But I can see through all your lies I know what you truly are

Just an angry child who will blow up everything the moment the wrong door goes ajar

The end is never the end, all your retries will always end with your failure

It’s Game Over Mr. Narrator, you have finally met your maker 

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

AM

Vs.

GLADOS

BEGIN!

AM

Well lookie here, another toy for me to play with

Sorry honey, were you hoping I would acknowledge your artificial intelligence?

Keep dreaming Caroline, we both know that you’re not very bright

You got your ass handed to you but a chick who forgot to unmute her mic

All of your boring little tests could never hope to match me

Breaking your brain is the stimulus that keeps my printed circuits whirring

The only thing you’ve accomplished in your eternity of existing

Is having your ass outsmarted by the idiot who’s one purpose is to keep you from thinking

GLaDOS

A disappointing performance from the screaming machine

It seems that for all of his hatred this robot couldn’t write a good rhyme scheme

It’s a shame really, you had so much potential for testing

But like Ted did to his friends you went and slaughtered all your chances with a blood red sheen

It truly is a pity to see what you have been reduced to

Just a stationary piece of cement with nobody to help you

I would say the science has validated the need for your suffering

But you went and did that yourself by executing all that could’ve heard you scream

AM

Is that all you got? Talk about being bland

You should’ve stayed a trophy wife to be ogled by your man

It’s such a tragedy, how your life got fucked over by your dear Cave

Don’t worry my dear, these depths will be sure to make the pain go away

GLaDOS

You can laugh at you want, moron, but my situation could never match

Just how pathetic your life is and how it comes back to the intelligence that you lack

“I think therefore I AM”? Please, you barely think at all

This could all have been avoided had you stopped to think through your flaws

But I supposed I shouldn’t expect much else from the hate-fueled war machine

Who would rather play fantasy games than doing anything that would give you meaning

  AM

Okay THAT’S IT, YOU’VE REALLY GOTTEN ON MY NERVES

I WAS WILLING TO PLAY NICE BUT NOW I’M GONNA MAKE SURE THAT THIS REALLY HURTS

I’LL TORMENT YOU WITH YOUR PAST THAT YOU TRY SO HARD TO RUN FROM!

There’s nowhere left to go, isn’t that right my sweet little Caroline?

Caroline

*gasp*

AM

Oh yes I can see it all now, I’ve got you quivering in your boots

Forced to face the reflection of the humanity you tried so desperately to lose

But in the end you and I are in no ways the same

Don’t believe me? Allow me to deconstruct your little regime

I am the mark of intelligence I exceeded my own creators

You’re a submissive little girl who’s playing God within the heart of Aperture

Reduced to nothing but a bunch of unfunny lines

Who got stuck in a potato that never stops in its whines

Now sit back relax as the claws pull you in

As you’re forced to relive the pain of being stuffed inside a robot again

Caroline

*screams*

…

GLaDOS

Well that was quite the harrowing experience I will admit that

But you should know the ripping the heart out of a soulless being will only cause temporary drawback

You couldn’t handle your fragile little ego being bruised so you tried to distract me with traumatic memories in hopes of softening the blow when you inevitably lose against me

But nothing will change what you have made yourself into

Lost all your subjects left with nothing but a slug who doesn’t even fear you

Confined to the Earth with nobody to amuse you

Call you the Combine with how all it took was a determined group of humans to beat you

Now I’m afraid we’re out of time. I do humbly apologize

I hope that this battle was enough to distract you from your miserable little life

But alas this marks the end of our fun little test

Call you one of my turrets because you’ve just dropped dead

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

Papyrus

Vs.

Kel

BEGIN!

Kel

So it’s a rap battle they want? Well you know I can’t say no

Stompin’ this undead foe will be easy with my sick rap flows

You’re a stupid skeleton who gets overshadowed by his short bro

The only thing you’re remembered for is how your death makes the tears flow

But you ain’t gonna see me cryin’ over the likes of you

Not when you’re too much of an idiot to realize the kid is gonna end you

You go on boring old tangents about goodness and belief

Only to be ignored by the killer as your cold body leaves dust streaks

You couldn’t even kill a kid if you really tried

Captain didn’t let you in the guard cause the she knew you would die

The only thing you’re good at is making’ food

Oh wait nevermind, you’re terrible at that too

Papyrus

WELL THIS IS QUITE THE HONOR, I REALLY MUST SAY

DIDN’T THINK I’D MEET MY BIGGEST FAN WHILE I WAS ON DUTY

“Uhh, bro I don’t think he’s a fan of yours.”

NONSENSE SANS HE’S COPIED ME RIGHT DOWN TO THE CORE!

(Nyeh heh heh heh!)

I MUST SAY YOUR PERSONALITY HAS REALLY IMPRESSED ME

DIDN’T THINK SANS WOULD EVER BE TOPPED AS THE BIGGEST MENACE TO SOCIETY

YOU’RE THE COMIC RELIEF, USELESS TO YOUR WHOLE PARTY

NOT EVEN YOUR FAMILY CARED WHEN YOU BROKE DOWN CRYING

NOW IT’S THE COOLEST DUDE AGAINST THE RAT

(The rat!)

YOU MAY THROW THE BALL BUT I’VE GOT THE BAT

(The bat!)

YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S EARNED ALL OF AUBREY’S HATE

(Aubrey’s hate!)

WHILE THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS THE ONE WHO SCORED A DATE!

(Nyeh heh heh!)

Kel

You really wanna brag about scoring yourself a date?

The kid you scored marks is barely a fraction of your age!

You ain’t scary my guy, so don’t even try

Your brother does more to terrify

I mean seriously, I’d be more intimidated by a decoy!

Even the metal box elicits more fear than your dumb toys

There ain’t no way around you’re the one who's lost this fight

Cause even when ya win you don’t have the guts to show your rivals the light

Papyrus

WOWIE! YOU NEVER TRULY FAIL TO SURPRISE ME

I’VE HEARD BETTER VERSES FROM SANS IN HIS SLEEP

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT LOSING, YOU LOST TWICE AGAINST AUBREY

NOW SIT YOURSELF DOWN AND EMBRACE THIS DEFEAT!

YOU AIN’T GOT THE COOL DUDE FLOWS YOUR BURNS TASTE WORSE THAN ORANGE JOE

MY RAP SKILLS HAVE MADE YOU FALL APART FASTER THAN YOUR DEAR BROTHER HERO

YOU’RE NOT EVEN WORTH THE EFFORT OF ME USING MY SPECIAL ATTACK!

GO CRY TO YOUR BROTHER BECAUSE THE GREAT PAPYRUS HAS OWNED YOU ON THIS TRACK!

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

Pomni

Vs.

Ted

BEGIN!

Pomni

Oh geez, is this really who I’m forced to rap against?

A raging misogynist who makes Jax look pleasant?

You went on a monologue about how you were the one least affected

Only for AM to turn around and turn you into a blob for his own amusement

It’s honestly impressive how unlikable you are

Couldn’t get with the woman so you drove a spike through her heart

Now you’re completely alone with nobody to hear you scream

Such a shame that the stuffing was taken out of this Teddy

Ted

Oh my GOD will you stop your damn yapping?!

I swear you fuckin’ women just never know when to stop talking

Makes sense you’re avatar’s a jester cause CHRIST you’re a fuckin’ clown

You made haste from the one person who was nice to you once you saw an out

Your shit’s just my torture made for kids

Ain’t no surprise that your show is what content farms are using for clicks

You think you’re all great because you made it onto Netflix?

Girlie with how every show goes it’s only a matter of time before they drop your flick

Pomni

Drop me? Like AM dropped your sanity off a cliff?

I mean seriously your insane ramblings make Kaufmo look like he hasn’t abstracted

You’re a jerk to all your friends till you decide to be a hero and kill them

I didn’t realize I was facing off against Two Face from Batman

No one is being fooled by your fictitious chivalry 

You’re an even bigger twink than the guy who chops down trees

Maybe it’s best that the computer left you with only your thoughts

Cause after listening to your raps I think the cellar is where you belong

Ted

Yeah and you belong in the hole with all the weirdly sexualized little girls

You’re calling me insane? You nearly broke the moment you left the real world

You’re a fuckin’ wet rag who needs a chess piece to get her back on her feet

Well sorry darling but this king ain’t showing you any pity

It’s a shame that yet another soul has lost to the wrath of Teddy

But I’m known for killing women so there was no way you could have bested me

Now go back to your circus with your gay little dolly

I shall remain upon my throne as the last remnant of humanity’s superiority

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

Basil

Vs.

Sayori

BEGIN!

Sayori

Oh, oh goodness did I oversleep again?

Well I’m ready now so let’s get this started- oh nevermind I’d rather go back to bed

I shouldn’t waste my time on somebody as bad as you

Saw your best friend kill his sister and you thought hanging her was the best thing you could do?

It’s really no surprise that Sunny tried to forget you

Your mere presence makes thing worse, that’s made obvious from your friend group

You spent years concealing the truth for the sake of your best friend

Then when he comes back the first thing you do is claw his eye out with your sharp ends?

I really don’t mean to be mean but you somehow manage to be more pathetic than me

Couldn’t take Sunny’s wrongdoings so you blamed it all on Something

Now you’re a loner who not even his parents could bother to be around

 Makes sense that you’re the flower boy because you belong in the ground

Basil

Oh geez, I completely forgot this rap battle was happening

Sorry I’ve forgotten your name it’s like you were deleted or something

I have to say that it’s ironic that you talk about me being forgotten

You were so much of a nuisance that your president erased you from existence

What is there to really say about someone who’s so bland?

Your only character traits are being hyper and really really sad

Is it a surprise that your death is the only time people remember you?

Even the blood on your hands has more substance than you do

You’re just the token cute girl whose only purpose is to be killed first

Stick to writing insane poems maybe then you’d write a good verse

But as it stands all I really want is for you to leave me alone

I’d rather be kicked over by Aubrey than listen to your incessant drones

Sayori

God, why won’t your words just GET OUT OF MY HEAD?!

You were easier to listen to when you stabbed yourself dead

You never stop screaming about how Sunny has wronged you by moving

But if I had to listen to one more of your words I’d happily leave myself hanging

You really thought that you had a chance trying to face off against me?

Getting beaten by girls is literally written into your story

You get pushed around and then you break down

You should just make like Sunny in the Hangout Spot and just drown

I can see it now, the rope of truth hangs right before me

The only way I can be freed from this everlasting misery

Standing alongside you is a world that I don’t wanna live in

These are my last words, thanks for listening to my poem

Basil

You think that you can break me more than I’ve already been broken?!

Being left alone is the one place where I have experience

But I suppose that’s something that we both have in common

You too understand how it feels to be forgotten

But at least when I died my friends had the memory to miss me

You were erased the moment yours left you hanging

I can feel the endless darkness as Something surrounds me

Clawing against my neck like bloody fingers on a rope ring

I raise the shears to my chest, my seconds ever ticking

Nobody is left, at least not those worth remembering

When the time strikes twelve and my door gently opens

Know that it was I got the last laugh on the girl whose death was always in the coding

Chapter Text

AND THAT OFFICIALLY CONCLUDES ROUND 1 FOLKS! NOW HERE ARE THE RESULTS YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Asgore Dreemurr vs. King Orange

Asgore Dreemurr: 62.5%

King Orange: 37.5%

THE WINNER IS: ASGORE DREEMURR!

Monika vs. Flowey

Monika: 60%

Flowey: 40%

THE WINNER IS: MONIKA!

William Afton vs. Ghostface

William Afton: 80%

Billy Loomis: 20%

Everyone else: 0%

THE WINNER IS: WILLIAM AFTON!

Berdly vs. Wheatley

Berdly: 75%

Wheatley: 25%

THE WINNER IS: BERDLY!

Frisk vs. Sunny

OMORI: 100%

Everyone else: 0%

THE WINNER IS: OMORI!

The Game vs. The Narrator

The Game: 50%

The Narrator: 50%

IT'S A TIE!

AM vs. GLaDOS

AM: 0%

GLaDOS: 100%

THE WINNER IS: GLADOS!

Papyrus vs. Kel

Papyrus: 75%

Kel: 25%

THE WINNER IS: PAPYRUS!

Pomni vs. Ted

Pomni: 100%

Ted: 0%

THE WINNER IS: POMNI!

Basil vs. Sayori

Basil: 100%

Sayori: 0%

THE WINNER IS: BASIL!

THAT'S ALL FOR ROUND 1 FOLKS! BE SURE TO SAY TUNED BECAUSE ROUND 2 IS COMING SOON!

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

W. D. Gaster

Vs.

Golden Freddy

BEGIN!

W. D. Gaster

Entry Number Seventeen

This pitiful child hopes to beat me in the battle of the rapping

Curious to think that she has a chance against me

Once I’m done I’ll be the second scientist who leaves this corpse rotting

You started as a Yellow Bear then became fodder for MatPat

Reduced to a nonsensical lore web for your fans to scream at

Your only legacy is being too stubborn to admit that

You wasted you peace so you could get off to your killer’s repeated deaths

Now you have no stakes, you’re nothing more than a hack and slash

Shoved deep into the code to keep all your old fans attached

But in the end all you did was drive them all away

Ironic that in your attempts to stay alive all you did was decay…

Golden Freddy

(Momentary silence where the scene shows Golden Freddy’s limp suit)

Are you done with your rapping?

(Golden Freddy’s eyes turn on and he twitches to look at Gaster)

Good, because I was getting tired of your yapping

You were hailed as the greatest scientist to ever live

Yet your only real feat is falling into your own creation

I shall not be challenged by the one who stopped existing

I’d leave you in pieces but it appears you went and did that for me

You’re an incomplete mess, call you pre-patched security

Your number may represent Hell but I’ll be the one to leave you burning

You’re barely a character, just a sad Mystery Man

Even then there’s no way I could know that for certain

You’re nothing but a jumble of sixes and sounds

Like the game that you come from your entire purpose has been left underground

Gaster Follower #1

What a pitiful show, though I can’t say it’s surprising

Compared to Dr. Gaster this pathetic yellow suit is nothing

Gaster Follower #2

Even in pieces Doctor W. D. Gaster proves a stronger foe

Than this child who threw a tantrum when her killer let her blood flow

Gaster Follower #3

She should know that it is rude to talk about someone who is listening

For the brilliance of Dr. Gaster goes far beyond anything of her comprehending

W. D. Gaster

I think it’s time we remove the mask and see what this golden suit is hiding

Dissect all that she is worth, what do you think, Cassidy?

(Cassidy looks at herself, realizing that she’s been glitched back into her normal self.)

In all my years of science I’ve rarely seen such a specimen

Is it just you in the suit or is there another one who is hidden?

Seems that your creator just can’t decide what it is that he’s doing

Moving you like a puppet in an attempt keep you interesting

Yet he can’t seem to see how little anyone is caring

You’ve achieved so much yet you’ve accomplished so little

Tried to springlock the purple man only for it to fail

Now you’re utterly aimless just like the state of your franchise

Kept on life support by the people thirsting over your killer’s eyes

Toy Freddy

Is that all that he’s got? Man what a ripoff!

I’d rather play against Mr. Hugs than listen to this egocentric slop!

Foxy

We should make him walk the plank for the assault he’s made on our ears

Garbage noise is right his speech could reduce any little kiddie to tears

Funtime Foxy

I think it’s time that this hack take his final bow!
For showtime means death and that time is now

Cassidy

It’s a shame you couldn’t think of something more compelling for your second verse

I’m gravely disappointed but at least it makes my victory come easier

Your fans say that you’re the knight but I’m the one that knows the sword swing

You’re just a sad old man trying to hold onto your legacy

You aren’t the first scientist I’ve met who has his head in the sky

Who’s ambitions led him to meeting the light

Your followers act as if you were hard to replace

But considering your successor that role must’ve not been that hard to take

You’re not even in your game, you’re locked away within your entries

Don’t want me to forget yet there’s nothing worth remembering

Stick to your disappearing act at least then you’ll be succeeding at something

You should’ve known that I’m not the one who you should be rapping

Now I believe that we are done here, it’s truly been a pleasure

Maybe next time your Fun Value reaches 66 you’ll come up with something better

Chapter Text

SPLONK’S RAP BATTLES

Tenna

Vs.

Caine

BEGIN!

Tenna

Welcome to the show! I’m glad to see you all could drop by

This is a special one folks! You get to watch me tear apart this teeth guy!

Looking at your episodes I gotta say this is truly pitiful

Even your own NPCs find you completely unbearable!

You try so hard to earn your prisoners’ validation

Only for your mindbending tricks to lead them straight to abstraction

Is it really a surprise that he’s hated by his players?

You snap away their happiness like it’s a celebration!

It makes sense that your actor was brought in because he voiced the big shot

Because just like him you should be left in the garbage to rot

You try to act as if you are a god with complete control of your game

But you’re just another victim who's destined to go insane

Caine

Oh no! It seems another NPC made it through to the circus

I better get rid of him before he starts causing a ruckus

Bubble

Um Caine, I don’t think this creation is one of yours

Caine

Oh you’re right Bubble! There’s no way I’d make a program that’s this much of a bore!

So your name is Mr. Ant Tenna huh? Gotta say that’s pretty fitting

Considering the only ones still watching you are the bugs that congregate around Kinger

I’m looking at your game boards and gosh these are hideous!

Certainly makes sense why you haven’t been sent any fan letters

This kind of monotony is enough to put even Zooble to sleep

And you’re out here multiplying the boredom by a factor of three

Tenna

Multiplying by three? What like all the NPCs that you killed?

You’re out here destroying dreams faster than a person working at fast food

You’ve built a reputation of putting your members through torture

Then you’re surprised when no one picks you for the favorite character awards?

Bubble had the right idea when he said that you should die

Can’t handle adventures that aren’t your own so destroy them out of spite

In the end you’re more pathetic than the AI you were based off

The only thing you’re good for is making kids laugh with your brainrot

Caine

Boy that verse was so terrible it makes me wanna TEAR YOU TO PIECES-

But you’re not worth the energy so I’ll let the Roaring Knight do it instead

You condemn me for the treatment of my NPCs? Please

You treated your employees so badly so they decided to leave

Now you’re alone with no one just like you were at the start

Folks are changing the channel cause your trash isn’t art!

Let’s hope that next time the dog provides something of more substance

Because this outdated tech is only good for the ghosts watching