Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A continuation of the first season with more deadly, high scaled and debatable fights with a new host

Chapter Text

Miss T: “Space is an endless frontier full of opportunities, Full of chances to take the crown and rule over the entire Cosmos”

L.O.T: “Ridley the Cunning and ruthless space pirate from Metroid”

And

Miss T: “Starscream the vile traitorous decepticon from Transformers”

Miss T: “My name is Miss T, This is L.O.T”

L.O.T: “And it’s our job to analyze and decide a winner in a fight to the death”

Miss T: “And Welcome to Cross Versus!”

Ridley The Savage and deadly:

Miss T: “On the planet K-2L there lived a small human colony, The planet had an acceptable atmosphere and beautiful environments”

L.O.T: “Wait haven’t we talked about this planet before?”

Miss T: “Yep! This planet was the host for Samus Arran”

L.O.T: “Wait if this is the same planet then…”

Miss T: “Yep we already know what happened, All of the inhabitants were slaughtered by the ruthless space pirates and their leader Ridley who even ate her mom after Samus’s dad blew up the ship, This event made Ridley scavenge what he could from the destroyed area, feasting on basically anyone and anything well Minus for Samus of course who would eventually track Ridley down over the course of her many years as a bounty hunter”

L.O.T: “Now while Ridley’s past is shrouded in mystery, We don’t even know his species name just being called a space dragon.”

Miss T: “Which doesn’t even make sense considering there are tons of dragons in space”

L.O.T: “And trust T, She would know as-“

The moth host slowly turns towards the robot not even moving an inch just turning like a statue and staring at L.O.T

L.O.T: “A-Anyways… We can assume Ridley is in his mid 100’s as he was fully grown and matured by the time Samus was a baby and since she’s nearing her 40’s that’s 40 + how old basically Ridley has a long and extensive career doing what he loves”

Miss T: “Like raiding, slaughtering all the good shit, Well until he met a lesbian, The same girl he decided to spare for shits and giggles came back and fought leading to his “death”

L.O.T: “Yeah Let’s talk about the space dragon sized elephant in the room, While Meta and Omega Ridley will be used for comparisons as they are the same Ridley unlike Robo and The Parasite version that samus killed in fusion Meta and Omega are forms that cannot happen in a fight as they are versions of Ridley that are achieved when his crew put him together after Samus kinda killed him”

Miss T: “Yes thank you Lot, This means Ridley will not have any metal implants on him for the fight ahead but with that out of the way you may be asking how did Ridley survive? Well bullshit and Metroid needs a main boss but also insane healing factors, He’s been shot so many times I’d think he’s grown immune but he hasn’t, At least he was able to tank a country sized explosion right Lot? Lot…? Why are you staring at me like that”

L.O.T: “He died in that explosion all the versions after the events of super are a clone.”

Miss T: “oh… OH YEAH, Well kinda Despite being called God of death he died on planet Zebes but came back as a clone yada yada, But why are we saying he has planet level durability? Well thanks too Samus scaling we know he can handle standing on a small star which is way stronger than Zebes explosion as it has a diameter of 11,700 kilometres while Earth has a diameter of around 12,756 so in order to match the power of that he would need to withstand a force of 10^32 joules of energy, So could Ridley have survived that if Samus didn’t kill him directly? Well yeah actually thanks to… Samus, Huh both the savour and killer here”

L.O.T: “Using the Varia suit as an example could countee Greed’s white holes which could remake Metroid’s (The series not the critters) entire universe which thanks too the metroid prime universe states the universe is indeed infinite which someone missed when discussing Samus last time.”

The moth host holds her head down looking like a sad puppy

L.O.T: “Immortal and still looking like a baby… Anyways So why are we going through so many holes talking about Samus? Well Ridley scales above the Varia suit meaning he would be able to tank a planetary explosion if he wasn’t killed as he could tank hits from a suit that is equal too white holes”

Miss T: “Also this happened in the manga if you are wondering but it is all canon so… and if you say “Plot holes” literally everything has plot holes, He’s faced down Samus even as a shriveled up corpse, His healing factor allows him too heal over time though he can be overwhelmed like when Samus killed him again and again, Dude is a professional hater”

L.O.T: “But while he’s a brute doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the brains too match it He’s fairly smart, Out thinking the federation and Samus on multiple accounts like when he was able to sneak past and murder everyone so he could steal the baby metroid and waited till Samus appeared to destroy the station”

Miss T: “But more importantly we haven’t talked about the best part His arsenal having a skewering tail that’s extremely deadly being able to Impale practically anything, sharp claws and talons able to slice apart solid steel and deal damage against higher leveled suits, Spew a volley of fire balls which smack against anything and considering it can damage Samus while Lava cannot it’d be over 2,280 Ferinhet or 1,250 celsius or how about the best thing ever”

L.O.T: “The Plasma beam?”

Miss T: “No! The Plasma Scream call it by it’s proper name >:(”

L.O.T: “…so the plasma scream, Which as the name implies is a beam of plasma which is gonna be around the same temperature as the sun”

Miss T: “We’re talking a lot about the sun today for a creature that stalks and hides a lot huh”

L.O.T: “Considering the feats for him are close to the sun’s temperature”

Miss T: “So watch out Pit Icarus or else you won’t be the only flying too the sun”

L.O.T. Slowly turns towards Miss T and starts choking her

L.O.T: “THAT JOKE DOESNT EVEN MAKE SENSE ESPECIALLY TO CLOSE OUT RIDLEYS ANALYSIS YOU-“

Miss T: “COMMERCIAL CUT TOO COMMERCIAL”

Starscream, The Immortal heir to the decepticons

Miss T: “On the planet cybertron the ruthless Megatron gained control of the decepticons after killing Sentinel Prime”

L.O.T: “Actually it was a rebellion against a Caste system”

Miss T: “Actually it was started from the fallen corrupting him”

L.O.T: “As you can tell there are a lot of versions that changes things”

Miss T: “But one thing that never changes is Starscream's treachery”

Miss T: “But we need to clear something up, What continuity are we using? Well G1, Bayverse, Beast wars, Animated, Aligned and Cyberverse with some statements from other universes like idw, shattered glass or armada just to clear somethings up or make sense of some stuff”

L.O.T: “So let’s start at the well start, The start of the cybertronian war ravaged the planet for millions and billions of years depending on the continuity but before all of this Skyfire Or Jetfire (We’re referring to the G1 version but nowadays he’s Jetfire) and Starscream were exploring a barren planet called Urath”

Miss T: “Earth. You’re not Allen, Anyways said planet was just done unforming from Pangea and the two decided to visit the planet but a polar windstorm suddenly hit the two leaving them separated, Starscream searched half the globe for his lover too no avail, With no moral compass starscream joined the Decepticons and waged war all across the planet and later earth”

L.O.T: “Though while he is a loyal decepticon, Hell he’s the leader of the seekers which are the groups main strike force and being the reason why the autobots always had to fight back his behaviour led him into more trouble then he struck down onto the autobots mainly because he saw Megatron as a inferior leader and tried and failed and failed and failed on taking him down”

Miss T: “Actually He’s taken down Megatron quite a bit, Like in the 86 movie, animated, twice in the aligned continuity, Cyberverse and kinda in Earthspark where he took control of the Decepticons after Megatron joined the autobot cause to end the war, Though some of these victories were not from his own plan, Megatron was badly injured from Prime in the 86 movie, In Animated he actually seemingly killed him when he blew up part of the ark with a bomb he stuck onto megatron, He took control of the faction after Metroplex fucking killed Megatron by just hitting him and didn’t see fit to revive him, The whole spacebridge and dark energon for prime, And actually took Megatron on one on one in cyberverse and won, Kinda Megatron was badly injured and he saw his chance All of this too say is Starscream will seize an opportunity no matter what, He’s a master strategist thinking of plans on the go like when he created my favourite combiner team the combaticons”

L.O.T: “But he couldn’t do this or anything without his weapons or T-Cog which allows him to carry multiple weapons on the go and transform into a F-15 which can fly up towards mach 2.5 or 1,650 mph but remember this ain’t your grandpa’s jet!

did you make me say that last part?”

Miss T: “Ye :)”

L.O.T. and Miss T stare at each other in silence while the former smiles

Miss T, Throwing away a screwdriver: “But as said before Starscream isn’t a normal jet, Thanks to G1 bullshit I mean Cybertronian biology and using a shot Megatron took at him He can fly upwards too Mach 4,217 as stated by death battle in Megatron vs Freiza, but thanks to animated scaling he can fly on the same level as lugnut who flew across the galaxy but no statements about how long he flew but even giving him the max still means he was going faster than mach 20, Starscream can use his Null ray which shuts down anything using technology, use gatling guns, a Spinning saw, rotary rocket launchers, standard laser beams, regular rockets, cluster bombs, etc etc”

L.O.T: “And thanks to his biological design he can use all of these in his jet mode”

Miss T: “Well I hope he can use the bombs in jet mode, Does he just shit them out in robot mode?”

L.O.T: “Yes, Anyways Starscream has helped out Megatron like in revenge of the fallen where he and grindor ganged up on Optimus and the whole war thing he probably helped him there like once”

Miss T: “But unfortunately all his big guns does not help out his big mouth, He’s street smart not book smart so if you’re able to outsmart him in a long term or mess up his plans you should be in for a easy ride”

L.O.T: “Well if you could even kill him as remember during the 86 movie Megatron was defeated and thrown into space making Starscream the new leader, But soon as he was crowned the new ruler not even 5 seconds later. Galvatron, A reformatted megatron made by Transformers satan blew up Starscream causing him too crumble into pieces yet he still functions”

Miss T: “Well you see turns out Starscream has a “indestructible spark” and can return as a ghost even if his body is destroyed, He can possess basically anything and can’t be killed which is how he survived up until beast wars, Because there’s actually a way for his spark too die”

L.O.T: “You see during the third and final season of beast wars where a familiar ghostly twink appears so did another with the same condition, Rampage had the same indestructible spark as Starscream but thing is, Rampage died thanks to Depth Charge stabbing raw energon into his spark, Now the shard was essentially a sword sized shard so if you’re able to recreate that same effect for that size starscream is done for good but try as you like the true leader of the Decepticons won’t stay down for long or for good”

L.O.T: “Alright with the combatants data all compiled and with their stats a winner has been decided”

Miss T: “It’s time for Cross versus!!”

Pre fight:

A lone prison ship floats among the emptiness of space as a familiar Jet floats over towards it

Starscream: “Shockwave mentioned the stash was here… Too bad he won’t get it first”

The seeker laughs as he flies into the haul of the ship missing a hole dug into the ship, as the seeker sets his feet down he notices stained blood of space federation and destroyed autobot troops on the walls, Lights flicker in front of him revealing a large shrouded figure

The lights flicker for a second and figure is gone, Starscream raises an eyebrow and readies his null-ray, He can hear metallic scraping above him and suddenly a loud THUD as he turns behind him shooting a corpse of a autobot that dropped from above, Starscream who gives a sigh of relief not noticing the pair of glowing yellow eyes behind the metal grate that disappear…

THEN SUDDENLY

FIGHT:

Ridley slams his body against Starscream who caught off guard doesn’t have the time to react for Ridley biting down onto his leg and tossing him aside like a garbage bag

Starscream grunts: “Ugh! Get off me you insignificant worm!”

Ridley: “Worm? Says the snake that crosses everyone at any chance he gets for the slightest hope of respect”

Ridley latches onto Starscreams head and starts too breath fire but stops as he notices a couple bombs drop next to him which blow up separating the two, Starscream barrages Ridley with his Null-Rays but Ridley flies through them and tries to grab his head again but Starscream jumps out of the way and shoves his elbow right into Ridley’s long neck which makes a cracking noise, Starscream follows this up with a series of punches but soon as he is about to slam Ridley with both fists a sharp tingling feeling appears in his chest as he feels Ridley’s tail stab him, Starscream waddles back in pain and grunting

Starscream: “You:.. YOU DARE DAMAGE THE FUTURE RULER OF THE DECEPTICONS AND CYBERTRON?! FOR THIS YOU SHALL PAY WITH YOUR LIFE”

He jumps in the air and unleashes a barrage of missiles at Ridley who just smiles

Ridley: “Oh please.. You couldn’t even lead an ant colony, And that’s giving someone with no value credit”

Ridley flies into the air using his claws to slash the missile which chip one of his claws leaving a torn off claw on his left arm but he just keeps moving forward until slamming into Starscream and swiping at his face leaving a scratch mark that drips energon on the ground, Ridley smiles as he flickers his tongue

Ridley: “So you can bleed… Maybe you will be filling after all.”

Starscream feels the energon drip down but he doesn’t care about appearances anymore right now, He screams and prepares to launch a barrage of laser blasts at Ridley but his chest feels empty as a giant Plasma beam shoots straight through his chest leaving a giant hole in his left side and destroying his left arm.
Starscream sits there for a second as Ridley approaches clearly laughing and mocking him but all the cybertronian can hear is ringing… He yells and interrupts Ridley’s speech by activating the jet thrusters on his feet to slam his knee into Ridley’s neck, He then grabs Ridley’s jaw and blasts a missile straight into Ridley’s mouth but Ridley let’s out a volley of fireballs right before destroying the missile but causing smoke to bellow out of his mouth

Starscream: “I’ll kill you and feed your corpse to the scraplets you disappointment!”

Starscream grabs onto Ridley’s head and slams into the prison’s floor smushing a guard

Starscream: “I’d say I wish you would just do it yourself but it seems someone else has to do it for you!”

He screams as he punches and kicks Ridley on the ground gritting his teeth

Starscream: “If you had any self respect you would just kill y-“

His words are interpreted as Ridley yells “SHUT UP ALREADY” as he flaps his wings upwards stunning Starscream and shoves his arm straight through the hole that was left by him when he impaled starscream, He grabs from his spinal column and.

Snaps the decepticon straight in half, Energon drips down into Ridley’s mouth in which he spits out

Ridley: “Ugh even that worm’s dad was more delicious than that…”

He prepares to walk away but suddenly the orange gates depower revealing multiple cybertronian guards in them, They lunge at Ridley but most of them are dealt with easily but then a booming voice cuts in on the intercom

???: “You really think that would actually put down the future ruler of cybertron?”

Ridley grits his teeth in annoyance: “I know that annoying voice, SHOW YOURSELF SO I MAY RIP YOUR HEART OUT AGAIN AND KILL YOU FOR GOOD!”

Starscream: “Nah I’m good, Though I wouldn’t linger here, This is a cybertronian prison after all”

Ridley’s eyes widen as he blows a hole out of the prison and starts flying towards it only for the prison units to jump onto him and start stabbing him with lances, He shakes them off but four of the units poked holes into the dragons wings each before Ridley could escape slowing him down as he watched the prison move parts around, He finally escaped outside to see a giant robot formed out of the prison

Starscream: “Not glamorous as my last form but it will do.”

The giant titan class prison bot points it’s finger at Ridley causing the units to fly at Ridley who groans having to deal with non sentient robots, He tears through them meanwhile inside Starscream's body is moved inside a medbay, The units throw everything they have at the space pirate but none of it works only making him bleed a bit as he stabs the units with the same weapons they use on him, He suddenly unleashes a massive plasma scream wiping out most of the units but also hitting the titan leaving a huge dark spot, Ridley Grabs the last unit and drags it towards the giant prison titan and slams it onto the chest leaving a giant dent, Ridley then uses his fire breath to melt through part of the titan, as hot metal forms around the area a giant grabs Ridley and pulls him away, Tightening his grip on Ridley Starscream laughs but Ridley closes his eyes and in an act of anger pulls the fingers apart snapping them clean off, He then grabs onto the arm and tears it off, swinging it around and throwing it back at the titan causing the prisons front thrusters to accidentally be turned on for a second but it’s collusion course with the small planet below is set in stone as Ridley gains enough strength to deliever a massive beam of plasma that strikes the main chest part, The purple energy swirls around the chest but turning blue as the main chest unit fires a massive beam at Ridley who dodges out of the way but not without his skin getting burnt and turning into a more grey/greenish color scheme, Ridley watches as the titan falls towards the small planet and follows suit, Cut to awhile later where the giant titan crashes down onto the planet and Ridley jumps onto it’s head and melts it off with his fire breath

Ridley: “Come on coward! Nowhere to hide no more bodies to hide in where are yo-

Before Ridley could finish a missile slams into Ridley’s side sending him flying down into a cavern below

Starscream, Who has multiple replaced parts and looking damaged: “Well thanks to you wasting time I have one”

Starscream transforms into his jet mode and flies into the cave and follows a blood trail to the bottom of the system where a light blue glowing liquid flows throughout the bottom, Starscream transforms into his robot form and smiles

Starscream: “Energon oh how I missed you.”

He starts picking up some of the energon but notices a pair of yellow eyes staring at him from above, He reacts just in time to dodge an attack from above, Ridley airdrops onto the ground splashing Energon everywhere, Starscream hells as he smashes his fists again Ridley’s skull, he takes of his wings and throws them at Ridley slicing against his skin they come back and slice him again and go back onto the seekers back he then drop kicks Ridley’s neck and starts delivering multiple blows with small shockwaves being made with more and more punches with the final one Starscream puts his hands together and delivers a devastating blow that causes Ridley to spew blood out of his mouth and single tooth to be sent flying out of his mouth, Ridley stares at the blue ground slowly turning purple around him as his blood mixes in with the energon he snarls but before

SHRAKT

Starscream blasts Ridley’s face, A billow of smoke appears showing Ridley with a blinded eye and part of his skin missing around his right eye he snarls and lunges at Starscream

Ridley: “ENOUGH! I WILL TEAR YOU BIT BY BIT LIMB FROM LIMB AND I HOPE THE ENERGON HERE KEEPS REVIVING YOU SO I CAN RIP YOU APART AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN I WANT YOU TO FEEL THE PAIN OF A THOUSAND DEATHS YOU TIN BUCKET OF BOLTS!”

Ridley screams as he slashes Starscream causing energon from the lake and Starscream causing shockwaves to pile up, Starscream starts to charge up a null ray blast but Ridley catches it and slices that arm off, Ridley smiles as he tears Starscream in half

Starscream: “YOU- YOU F-FOOL MY CANNON IT’LL GO OFF, Spare me and I promise it won’t go off I can still disarm it!”

Starscream pleads but Ridley steps on Starscreams top half

Ridley: “Now why would I care about some blast.”

Starscream smiles: “Because… Energon is highly flammable”

Ridley shrugs: “Then have fun blowing up on your own accord”

As Ridley flies outside of the planet he can hear Starscreams screaming as the cave explodes making a huge explosion that blows a chuck of the planet up, Ridley flies near a sun and rests on a local asteroid

Ridley: “That Shockwave bot better have my payment ready. Or else I’ll make another exam-“

Starscream: “I KNEW I WAS SET UP”

A loud ear piercing voice came from behind Ridley, Starscream again but as his spark form

Starscream: “And by that damn scientist as well! Knew this was too easy! I mean an abandoned space station who leaves a bunch of junk there!”

Ridley enraged lunges at Starscream’s spark and flies towards the sun

Ridley: “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR INSIGNIFICANT LIFE BEGONE”

Ridley uses his Plasma scream with the remaining energy he has against Starscream’s spark causing it to float towards the sun, Energy circulates around the spark as Starscream’s ghost appears so he can try and possess Ridley

Starscream: “I’ll come back I always will!”

Ridley: “At least my crew would willingly put me back together, So just shut up and die already!”

Starscream’s ghost tries to move foward but it’s too late as his ghost form disintegrates and an explosion from the sun grows larger and larger swallowing them both…

??? Months later

A pair of chains lower down a figure it is set down with a metallic clank, Ridley now converted into Meta Ridley lays on all fours, A space pirate grunt rushes in

Grunt: “Sir! The payment has been approved from the last bounty”

He shows a screen showing the location of a new hidden Metroid cloning facility, Ridley smiles

Ridley: “Guess that tin can was worth it.”

KO

Miss T: “Oh boy we’re gonna be crucified for this aren’t we”

L.O.T: “So before we’re destroyed by a mob let’s get the biggest thing out of the way, Could Ridley actually Kill Starscream? The answer is yes as you can tell but how isn’t he immortal?”

Miss T: “Yeah but remember Rampage who had the same spark mutation died via a small shard of energon and remember the beast wars cast are human sized meaning the amount of energon need to kill Starscream for good would need to be as big as his hand but Ridley doesn’t have energon so how could he kill the traitor”

L.O.T: “Thanks to Transformers cosmology energon is way more common than you think being found on hundreds of planets but not in a consumable form but a “Raw form” which is extremely important as Only Raw energon could destroy Starscream’s spark”

Miss T: “But more importantly thanks to Revenge of the fallen and the subsequent series in the 2005 idw comics the sun harvesters are able to transfer the energon from the sun into it’s complete form, Meaning the sun is a form of raw energon which is also important due too size, Reminder a shard the size of a human is able to destroy a spark so if it was said thrown into the sun it would have no chance of survival”

L.O.T: “And some may say that his spark should be intangible as it’s a ghost and that may be right… If Ghosts weren’t a thing in Metroid in Super Metroid we know both Ghosts are real and can be killed as Samus killed Phantoom, A lower ranking general in the space pirates led by Ridley, Even without that there’s the rage hands which in other M are killed via a screw attack”

Miss T: “So Plasma thanks to screw attack is able to hit the spark which should be a ghost and said blast would be able to kill Starscream’s spark plus Ridley being able to scale to Samus who killed Phantoom but with that big ol statement and hoping I don’t get crucified let’s get into the stats shall we L.O.T?”

L.O.T: “We shall, Starting off with speed, It is a tie with both having ftl levels of speed and reaction, Being able to fly across planets-galaxies fairly quickly and being able to travel attack at the same speed which is surprising considering Starscream should be faster due to being a jet but no, Nintendo scaling is like that”

Miss T: And the next category is defence, While Starscream has shown fairly good defence it pales next to Ridley surviving multiple high powered attacks from Samus, Plus the Healing factor would’ve given Ridley a boost as he could heal fairly easily while if Starscream is damaged that’s for good unless there’s a doctor or something nearby plus Cybertronian bodies unless Megatron, Optimus, Shockwave or Unicron are fairly weak to high fire rounds from the likes of earth military force in modern days while Ridley can take down Future military forces, Plus the greed feat

L.O.T: “So starscream must take attack right? Well… No as Starscream doesn’t have any feats that can compare to as damaging a suit that can withstand remaking the entire metroid universe which is infinite which even if we scale it to 1% that still means Ridley is operating on a planet level attack level with being above that suit and being able to damage it very easily compared to City-Country level devastation Starscream brings, But also the reason why Starscream laid devastation across cybertron for so long is because he had the seekers which were assisting him”

Miss T: “For tools and versatility we gave both to starscream who had an entire arsenal built into him, Plus his immortal spark which isn’t immortal but shhhh is way more then Claws, wings, tail spike, fire balls and plasma scream easy dub, and experience goes to starscream as well because like… come on the war”

L.O.T: “Well if he’s more experienced he should be more intelligent right? Nope Starscream’s plans often fail due to very noticeable facts, Like checking if Megatron actually died, This ruined the 3 times he “killed” Megatron and not to mention his plans always failing thanks to despite being alive for millions of years he has zero hindsight while Ridley can stalk, outsmart ai’s and highly trained personnel, This isn’t to say that ol Screamer isn’t dumb but compared to Ridley yeah he’s not the brightest tool in the shed”

Miss T: “And finally cunning, In a fight that is happening because of their cunning we had to mention it and this is where the winner is decided and as you can tell, It’s Ridley. He’s laid waste to countless planets, killed for fun and steals shit so he can have a more powerful army in at least 50 years he’s done more than Starscream has ever done in millions of years, Plus their personalities help as Starscream always pleads due to being an underdog and sucker punching everyone but that wouldn’t work with Ridley, In order for starscream to trick someone there needs to be some humanity in them but Ridley is so far from being human he would not listen and kill on sight while Starscream would try and slither his chances of winning from the shadow’s which wouldn’t work here”

L.O.T: “Starscream was a deadly opponent being equal speed, More experience, having More tools and versatility at disposal helped and his immortal spark throwing Ridley in a loop but thanks to Ridley’s Attack, Defence, Cunning, being more intelligent and having multiple ways to actual put Starscream down for good, Ridley’s victory was set in stone, Looks like Starscream won’t be screaming anymore”

Miss T: “Tonight’s winner is Ridley.”

Next time:

???: You’re a disgrace, You could’ve easily wiped out every living being on this planet by yourself

???: You’re worthless and terrible, and if the company allowed it I’d straight up kill you myself

Chapter Text

Mae: Jobs, Some have them a lot don’t

L.O.T: And even fewer love their jobs

Mae: But these two take their love for their job to the Next level.

Mae: Raditz, The runt of the saiyan trio and brother to Goku

L.O.T: And Serial Designation J, The second in command for Cyn and Corporate’s number one fan

L.O.T: Her name is Mae, My name is L.O.T. And today we’re gonna see if J has what it would take to win a battle against the ruthless Sayian raditz or if Dragon ball scaling goes straight through Murder drones

Raditz, Jobber or Jawbreaker:

Mae: “Ah the sayian race, A group of conquerers that laid waste to entire civilizations led by the king and benevolent ruler King Vegeta on the planet Vegeta, I’d say egotistical but not for the wrong reasons”

L.O.T: “You see the Sayians were ruled by Vegeta but Vegeta was ruled by another, Freiza and his empire and before you ask “If the Saiyan’s were so prideful why didn’t they overtake their racist ruler?” Well one: They were out matched and out powered but more importantly they actually seemed to like it in his empire as it allowed them to attack ‘lesser’ civilizations with no repercussions”

Mae: “But one day the Sayian’s were wiped out by Freiza after he found out about the legend of the super sayian, A saiyan said to overpower Freiza’s own strength so in order to save himself he killed them all well minus a few like Broly, Vegeta’s son… Vegeta and Bardock’s sons, One being kakarot who later is known by Goku but the other being Raditz, Wait Raditz, Kakarot, Vegeta, Broly, Bardo- Are the sayian’s just vegetables??”

L.O.T: “Yeah, I mean Vegeta is just Vegtable without the Ble, Sooo. Anyways while Goku went to live on earth and live a fairly peaceful life (for now) Raditz was stuck and grew up alongside the Prince, Nappa and other Sayian warriors”

Mae: “Despite being the runt of the group, Stated multiple times Hell the only reason why he went to Earth is so he can get Goku and prove he’s not the weakest but one thing clear here: Raditz will not be getting super saiyan, As he never had the means to get it in canon even with a non canon version of him getting super saiyan 3 as he doesn’t fit the criteria of super saiyan so we can’t pull a death battle and give him it as he never went through the steps to unlock the forms for Super saiyan while he had definitely had dedication to the job he didn’t have introspection, victory, failure, lobe and more importantly Love.Hell Raditz is the complete opposite of what needs to be added for the list after hearing Planet Vegeta blew up he just shrugged it off and said “Oh yeah ig my brother might be alive” Raditz is beyond human and has no respect for any other culture whatsoever”

L.O.T: “I mean his lack of empathy is clearly backed up behind his power, From what we can confirm is that he’s stronger then base Goku from the entirety of original Dragonball and should be on the same level if not stronger then King Vegeta if we cross reference being way more stronger then Roshi who blew up a moon easily while Compiling Bardock and Vegeta who blew up three planets but could he even scale to that level? Yeah actually, despite being the runt he should be around the same level as Vegeta and Nappa and during Galick beam vs Kamehamha clash it was stated that the beam would destroy the earth and this isn’t just some one off statement as Vegeta is shown blowing up planet [Name] that one time. Not to mention holding off Piccolo and Goku and the only reason why they beat Raditz is because they distracted Raditz so Piccolo could use his-“

Mae: “SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!”

Mae accidentally fires off a beam that flies into the audience stand, Both Hosts just stare at each other

Mae: “Anyways! Like L.O.T. Said Raditz like Nappa and Vegeta he is extremely patriotic for the sayian race that it kinda blinds him, Not calling Raditz dumb but just kinda…”

L.O.T: “Dense? Easy to trick?”

Mae: “Basically. but even so Raditz is arguably one of the fastest characters in the Sayian arc out speeding Goku who’s able to dodge MFTL Beams of energy as stated by the moon feat, also using this speed to his advantage by using sonic assault where he becomes just a blur to the human eye, He’s even survived the special beam attack which left a giant hole in his chest showing that Sayians had ridiculous durability.

That didn’t last long though… and more despite throwing Goku around for a bit he is undoubtedly the weakest sayian’s around, Hell when the gang fights Nappa, Vegeta and saibamen Krillin killing a couple of them impresses Nappa more than anything Raditz did meaning that their power level should be more comparable”

L.O.T: “Well he did dodge a similar attack which carved a giant hole in the mountain meaning he should be FTL At the bare minimum And as a regular saiyan he has access to their tools of powers like flight, enhanced speed, power and durability, survive in space for an extended amount of time and a pool of ki they can pull from to make beams, bombs or distract but they do have a limited supply of this ki in which after using it up they need a rest or can charge it up mid battle though this does drain faster if transformered into their other form the great ape. If a Sayian is to look up at the moon they will transform into a giant ape which can lead to devastating effects like entire planets being destroyed and left inhospitable and even if it’s day time a Sayian can create their own moon by gathering a big pool of ki and releasing it into the air allowing them to transform into a great ape like what Vegeta did in his and Goku’s fight”

Mae: “Though something we need to mention is that this form drains ki faster if you aren’t trained enough in it, Those who are like Vegeta can even speak in this form and thanks to a game showing off Raditz’s ape form since he doesn’t speak and just grunts and mumbles we can just assume his ape form is in the same level of power as Bardock who can’t speak in this form but the biggest part about this is if the tail is said cut off like what happened with Goku or Vegeta (and Gohan later on) the ability to access the great ape is lost and bad thing as well because since the great ape is huge the target only gets bigger, Wait isn’t this why Sayian’s have their tails wrapped around their waists?”

L.O.T: “Yep, Saiyans wrap their tails around their waists so it’s less easy to grab them in fights which is important for Raditz as his tail since it’s not really trained is more of a immobile weakness that if grabbed can just be used to defeat him with ease”

Mae: “Huh neat… well at least while being the weakest out of the trio he’s still equally as savage as the rest like how Vegeta’s only concern after Nappa levelled an entire city was the resale value of the planet”

L.O.T: “How sad is it that your entire race is now dwindled down to a handful and are just used as tax collectors and sale agents”

Mae: “Maybe if things went differently, Like Raditz joined Goku or was spared maybe he would’ve lived a life of freedom and become even more stronger, But no thanks to his rage fueled attack on earth he never got to experience peace or even become a super sayian.”

L.O.T: “Well the only reason why Goku and the gang even got beyond standard Super sayian is because of Raditz, If he never died and warned the others of Earth or died early on with planet Vegeta none of DBZ would’ve happened, So pour one out to the one who made your childhood’s possible, Raditz the runt.”

Is Serial Designation J a Corporate lap dog or a broken murder machine:

L.O.T: “We’ve covered murder drones a lot huh, Is this gonna become a running series?”

Mae: “We got another fight this season suck it up you robot, Anyways we’re actually covering the series name, The Murder drones or more accurate a disassembly drone, Serial Designation J”

L.O.T: “Unlike Cyn J was brought up in luxury and was taken care by Tessa James Elliot”

Mae: “So Cyn?”

L.O.T: “Shut up that’s later, Anyways now with J being brought up in a more… loving matter aka not being found in a dumpster she learnt a lot from Tessa like how to draw fairly decently and swordsmanship, As she was able to keep up with a semi Disassembly drone V Semi because while having the anatomy of one she wasn’t fully a DD but still J was still a maid and seemingly beat V in a fight as she returned with Tessa to perform a citizen’s murderrr”

Mae: “Didn’t work out so well as J’s systems were taken over by the solver and most likely was tasked with killing Tessa or at least hurting her as Tessa’s skin seemed salvageable since Cynessa exists”

“ Now we don’t have an Exact timeframe for when this happened but it’s most likely after Cyn slaughtered the manorfolks minus James but after that the drones were upgraded into their disassembly drone forms where they ravaged the earth and left no crumbs and also where N killed James Elliot in just a random street, Either way J was there with V who despite the massive time jump still used modern technology for the fights as the helicopter shooting at J and V is an Apache attack helicopter which on a regular one fire 30x113m rounds which fire 1000m/s and are indeed anti tank rounds which J was able to block with a single wing”

L.O.T: “Speaking of which J has your standard disassembly drone arsenal including Rockets, rifles (Both semi and automatic) a pair of chainsaws, a laser beam which can slice through solid concrete and travels faster than light a pair of wings she can use for flight multiple eyes on her headband with different views and filters, an emp, a totally not suspicious flag (though only V uses it so we don’t know if J has it) a pair of swords that enter from her hands and her old sword which she gave to Cyn later on, All of this fits thanks to drone biology. Basically thanks to being mutated Disassembly drones are able to carry around their weapons in kind of a pocket dimension where they just seem to be absorbed so waiting for them to run out of ammo is useless, They’re also extremely fast being able to break the sound barrier, dodge light and if we scale J to V and N are MFTL thanks to black hole speed scaling… Those blackholes are always making a comeback in these blogs…”

Mae: “Luckily for us J seems to have the worst luck of the trio dying a total of 3 times but thanks to J being stuck on team Cyn she never got the chance of getting the higher end feats like surviving solver uzi, She’s just kind of… there? But base Disassembly drone durability is insane thanks to one thing3 healing factor, Another biological factor is thanks to the Solver messing around with their body they can take a ton of damage like their heads being blown off, arms and legs being chopped off and even if the body is beyond repair the drone will enter it’s eldritch form a seemingly multi kilometre long centipede full of tricks and psychological trauma though don’t expect this to work in a death battle situation as it’s like saying Hawk man’s regeneration should count despite it just being reincarnation though as long as her core isn’t destroyed she’ll be fine.”

L.O.T: “So she can fly, blast you from afar, is [Title card] from modern weaponry and can travel faster than light. What else can she do? Well one other thing, Her tail contains a vial of Nanite acid which also has a sharp injector on the end of the bottle, Now what is Nanite Acid you ask? Well just a small amount of it can burn through solid steel and can only be neutralized by Disassembly drone saliva”

Mae: “You ever think Uzi told Nori that she met N by sticking her hand into N’s mouth?”

L.O.T: “…what the fuck is wrong with you, Anyways the nanite acid seems to be in a infinite supply as V’s was ripped off by Uzi and grew back which brings us to another point basic drone temperatures, You see the reason why J HAS too eat so many drones is because her systems will literally overheat if she doesn’t consume enough oil and considering the drones are already hot enough to stick human skin on them that’d be around 100°c”

Mae: “But enough with the general drone feats what about J? Well she actually has a massive feat being kicked by V in space, Now why is this impressive? Well the kick that J tanked created multiple sonic booms which is a neat visual touch of how hard V hit J, Thing is…”

L.O.T: “Sonic booms can’t happen in space as it needs a ton of pressure to happen and shockwaves only appear in space when stuff like solar flares, super nova’s and colliding galaxies, This isn’t a one time thing by the way V does another kick which causes shockwaves to appear”

Mae: “V is literally causing solar flare levels of destruction by her fucking kicks, This would put J’s durability at around Solar system tier as she tanked the hit and was completely fine, She’s also travelled as a blur in space and managed to move an island by being kicked into it by V again… She’s kept up with V and N during the final fight and even managed to dodge Uzi’s railgun which was upgraded, She’s survived her head being chopped off and said head being launched miles away in an active combat zone and returned good as new 25 seconds later, What can’t she do??”

L.O.T: “Well multiple personality issues like her over controlling personality that belittles N whenever she can and her corporate side is an easy target to exploit and shockingly has a very big weakness to branded pennsssssss despite having like 8 eyes”

Mae: “But even with her choosing the side with literal ai satan (not robo Satan that’s unicron) she has made her mark on the scene and has proven her worth tenfold.”

Mae: “FUCK I FORGOT TOO MAKE A LESBIAN JOKE”

L.O.T: “Alright with the combatants data all compiled and with their stats a winner has been decided”

Miss T: “It’s time for Cross versus!”

Pre Fight:

We cut to inside an attack pod where Raditz sits waiting for it to reach it’s location
His memory goes back a couple moments ago

Raditz sits down in a room with multiple high ranking Frieza force members

Zarbon: “Ah Raditz… Your performance has been… fairly decent to put it lightly especially for a low ranking saiyan but I think we found a perfect mission for you”

He slides over a tablet showcasing Copper-9

Zarbon: “You see we found multiple high power level sources there recently and especially for a dead planet this concerns us if someone with this much power is left on their own accord they might”

Raditz: “Become an issue for the empire?”

Zarbon: “Exactly, So consider this a final test, You take over this planet for the empire and we’ll let you keep half of it as a reward yes?”

Raditz: “Y-Yes, I’d be honoured for this opportunity”

Zarbon: “Mmm yes yes, Now go darling, Go take over this planet for us”

We cut back to Raditz as the pod wrestles against Copper-9’s atmosphere as it crashes down sliding down a hill and stopping at a bank of snow that stops the pods fall, Steam exhausts from it as the pod door opens up, Raditz exists the pod and grunts as he activates his scanner and looks around and spots a cave and approaches it but his scanner spots a strange signal inside it

Raditz: “Power level Unknown? Huh how about that.”
But something else starts scanning him

A sound is heard as a casing drops from the cave and then a loud gunshot blasts throughout the cave but

Raditz catches it mid air and flicks it back into the cavern which causes a figure to fly out and land next to Raditz who scoffs

Raditz: “You’re the source of power? You’re just a tin can!”

J: “And you’re filled with blood. Not my diet but at least I’ll enjoy ripping it out of your body”

Raditz: “Ooo feisty aren’t we? lose someone important? No matter, you'll be joining them in a minute!”

Raditz slams his fist down towards J who jumps into the air and launches a volley of rockets at Raditz

FIGHT:

The rockets slam into Raditz who stands there unphased and wipes the dust off of him and looks up proudly

Raditz: “That’s all you got? How about this!”

He launches a volley of Ki blasts which slam into J who quickly shelters herself with her wings, Her hands transform into a pair of dual blades as she dive bombs into Raditz slicing at his skin with no avail and even tries to inject the nanite acid into his skin but the tip breaks which makes Raditz smile as he grabs onto her tail and pulls her in for a headbutt cracking her visor and grabs onto her left leg and slams into the ground breaking the ice below them and throws her back as she transforms one of her arms into an laser cannon and blasts it at Raditz before she crashes down into a pile of snow which makes a slight cut on his stomach, Raditz lunges towards J but she gets up smiling as she lifts an arm up and fires a burst of blue light which pushes the air around

Raditz: “Was that supposed to do something you rat? That felt like a tickle!”

Before Raditz can do anything else his scanner glitches out before sparking and explodes leaving Raditz screaming in pain as he rips the scanner off and crushes it and stares at J with a burn scar around his eye gritting his teeth he fires a large Ki blast that J is able to dodge and fires a barrage of bullets at Raditz who covers his face as the bullets bounce off his body, He jumps up at J and grabs onto her neck and pile drives her into the ground but she recovers and is able to break free by using her laser beam causing Raditz to flinch, She starts to fly upwards and circles around

J: “Just gotta outpace him and”

Before J could finish Raditz flies up and uppercuts J and blasts her with a Ki blast and follow up punches J causing the drone to be sent through a cloud as she recovers her wings causes the cloud to push apart and she rushes towards Raditz

Raditz: “Already tired? I’VE ONLY USED A QUARTER OF MY POWER!”

Raditz summons a giant ball of light and fires a giant beam of ki at J, She is consumed by the light but pushes through it causing her robot skin to heat up as she pushes through the Ki blast and grabs onto Raditz’s hand causing them to burn as he screams and kicks her away

Raditz: “Ugh! You little freak! Now I can see why I couldn’t find your power level”

J: “And why’s that you rat”

(J internally: “What the hell is a power level??”)

Raditz: “BECAUSE YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO ME!”

He rushes and slams his fist towards J but a pair of claws catches the fist and digs into the skin of Raditz’s fist and suddenly and knee from below slams into his jaw and a foot smacks into Raditz causing him to be sent back downwards but he quickly recovers, He sloshes his mouth and spits out a tooth and wipes off the blood from his mouth

J: “And what was that about being nothing compared to you?”

Raditz smiles: “You know I like being proven wrong, Maybe your true power lies dormant somewhere either way you will serve the empire well.”

J: “If you think I’d willingly serve… Whatever empire you are apart of you are as dumb as that sentient purple toaster”

Raditz: “Oh I didn’t mean that, I meant your corpse being a field day for our scientists!”

J frowns as she looks at Raditz who rushes towards her in a blur and smacks her with his knee but she just grabs on spilling some oil and digs into his chest with her chainsaws stunning him for a bit before he recovers a flash of yellow slashes against his back cutting some hair off then a streak of silver slices against him making him unable to move in the air as he tries to grab onto J but she changes trajectory everytime spotting any difference, Even grabbing onto his tail and flying above him she and slams her foot into Raditz causing him to be sent flying into the ground and crashes into an old factory covered in ice, He notices a bunch of rockets fly towards him in there and claps his hand catching all of them causing them to explode in front of him

Raditz: “COME ON AND GET ME!!”

Suddenly at the speed of sound J flies and slashes against Raditz leaving a 3 mark wound that starts to bleed, J licks the blood but spits it out

J: “Not as tasty but your screams will taste even better”

Raditz cracks his knuckles: “Alright you wanna play rough you little secretary… let’s get rough”

J: “Actually I’m a senior info-“

Suddenly a foot slams into J’s head but before she could recover Raditz starts punching her grabbing her and twisting her arms and slowly punching a arm off and tears the other off and rushes his fist into her stomach which doesn’t do anything until he let’s it go causing a giant beam of Ki to be let loose evaporating her lower body and exploding part of the factory, Raditz picks up the remaining parts of J and tosses them down

Raditz: “What a waste…”

J: “Think fast idiot”

A newly reformed J appears from below swiping at Raditz and slices his knee with a laser beam

Raditz: “Ugh HOW I JUST-“

J: “Effective Drones are cloned more, Dummy”

Raditz: “Drones…? So there’s more then one oh you’ll be even more useful to the empire then before”

J laughs: “Oh please… You’re not even useful to your own empire”

Raditz growls, As he looks up at the ceiling, A hole showing the moon

Raditz: “And you… You’ll learn WHAT A SAIYAN CAN REALLY DO!!”

Raditz crumples down as his body begins to morph and grow in size, J immediately flies out before Raditz completely changes into his great ape form, Roaring he lunges at J who barley dodges the attack but doesn’t dodge the smack which sends her flying through the city levels of copper-9 landing next to Uzi, N, and V dragging the remains of Tetsuo away

All of them: …

Uzi: “Fighting another species that crash landed here?”

J: “Yes also shut up I got this”

J then flies off back to the fight

N: “…You think we should?”

V: “Nah she’s got this and if she doesn’t oh well”

V shrugs as she walks away

J slashes at the great ape but it doesn’t do anything except cut off some hair

J: “Not one for conversations anymore huh?”

The giant monkey roars as it fires a blast of ki from his mouth burning off a wing from J as she glides down she kicks Raditz in the eye causing him to flinch, She slashes him multiple times, Annoyed Raditz finally gets J and throws her into the ground and starts pummelling her and jumps in the air ready for a ground pound

J: “idiot”

J flies fast as she can readies her claws and latches onto his tail the sound of flesh tearing can be heard as she rips the ape’s tail off and prepares to smack the giant ape with it but is suddenly punched by Raditz

Raditz: “YOU LITTLE!”

He grabs her neck and throws her into the ground spamming a bunch of Ki blasts at her, J is sent back into the ground as Raditz crashes down next to her

Raditz: “THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN THIS STUPID PLANET”

J: “If it was worth so much then why was it easy to lose bozo.”

She spits out oil as he pummels her breaking her visor and ripping off her right arm, Her left arm silently turns into a gun as she tries to shoot him but he deflects and blasts the right side of her body causing her to fall down with her core exposed

Raditz: “so that’s how… You’ll pay for my tail with your life!”

He reaches for the core but the syringe smacks him

Raditz: “This again? Pathetic”

J smiles as Raditz holds onto the canister and starts to crack it but her smile turns into a frown as she says something she thought she would never say ever.

J: “ugh… Bite me I’m doing this on my own terms”

Suddenly a bullet fires and shoots the glass containing the acid, It splashes onto Raditz’s face and into his mouth and one into his right eye

He tries to scream gripping his mouth but acid drips through the neck burning his vocal cords, He drops down as the acids burns through his entire skull leaving him unable to even speak while J fully heals and stands above Raditz proudly

J: “And what was that about being nothing compared to you?”

He tries to reach out as his vision fades and tries to summon a ki blast

J: “Oh right, Complete corporate hypocrisy.”

She slams her foot down onto Raditz’s head smashing it completely, Killing the Saiyan instantly.

J: “Ugh great got some of the acid on my leg”

KO

Mae: “Wait, why were Uzi and the gang there??”

L.O.T shrugs: “Alright first off J’s durability was insane as she suffered that divorce solar kick but let’s be real this is more of an instance of cool visual flare and we honestly doubt it could match the power of an entire solar flare, So we’re not really gonna count it here but still something to think about but without it J had nothing that matched in comparison of a standard Saiyan’s durability like tanking mountain level blasts, bullet fire, standard sharp stuff like claws, Yeah nothing J had could really pierce Raditz at the start minus her laser cannon, But notice how I said at the start because over time with enough contact Raditz’s skin would be exposed to J’s absolutely scorching hot touch which would soften up his skin allowing for more minor cuts to be turned into Major ones, Plus Raditz was only able to survive with a hole in his chest while J has survived worse like decapitation, her entire upper torso being blown up, having one of her eyes being stabbed with a pen and being injected with the same acid she carries and we saw how that compares to Raditz So we’ll give this one to J”

Mae: “But not stronger as Raditz, Problem with J is that she constantly loses to characters and while she does tank some of those attacks from like Uzi she’s still not beating them while Raditz has been fighting his entire life against strong opponents (or at least as strong) until you remember something, He’s no Nappa as his power level is still on par with Saibamen putting him on the low balls of the dragon ball, But this all gets into the trash when he breaks out great ape becoming 10X stronger, So Raditz gets both Strength and experience”

L.O.T: “But not speed as J is able to keep up with characters faster than blackholes while Raditz is right around end of original dragon ball goku speed wise, Plus it takes a while for him to get up into his top speeds while J is already blitzing, And even if you don’t buy the black hole feats J has dodged similar attacks that Raditz barely dodged like Uzi’s railgun so easy speed”

Mae: “And J also wins Tools and Hax, Let’s be real Raditz was never gonna learn tools as he only has a limited amount of ki, punches and that’s really it while a disassembly drone has a shit ton of more abilities to pull out of nowhere that never run out of ammo or energy, But more importantly Hax is J’s field as well due to infinite regeneration, clones, her eldritch form, can scan Raditz’s entire life and trick him, can emp his scanner leaving him open to basically anything as he relies on it way too much, the tail isn’t trained nor is the form leaving him open no matter what and the holy grail Nanite acid which can and would burn through his skin and tissue which is basically an instant kill option though the problem would be piercing his skin for it too work but as we see she could just shatter the vial above him and it’s doing the work”

L.O.T: Thanks too J’s speed, better hax and tools, and durability she was able to send a complaint and got Raditz fired from life all together

THE WINNER IS SERIAL DESIGNATION J

Next time on Cross versus:

???: I know what I must do, But I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.

???: I have only made an enemy of the church, not of the faith.

Chapter Text

Mae: The ability to change the world doesn’t come easy, Sometimes you need to force change, And for that you need an army to do so

L.O.T: Like with Kylo Ren the supreme leader of the first order and knights of Ren

Mae: And Edelgard The flame emperor of the Adrestian empire, My name is Mae and this is L.O.T. And today we’re figuring out who would between Kylo ren or Edelgard, Let’s get into it shall we?

Kylo Ren: Actually more of a badass than the internet thinks:

L.O.T: “4 ABY, The Empire falls into a bunch of pieces and the galaxy is in peace”

Mae: “Not to get all nerdy but actually it was defeated in 5 ABY on the planet Jakku not Endor the Empire still existed after that for a year”

L.O.T: “Nerd. Anyways thanks to the heroic actions of one jedi and the “Last” jedi he was able to defeat Palpatine and destroy his death star, But there were 2 other heroes Han solo and Luke skywalker’s sister Leia Organa who settled down and had a child, This child’s name was Ben solo.”

Mae: “I feel like I heard Ben before… Eh will probably come back to me later”

L.O.T: “Sometime during Ben’s childhood he was found out to be force sensitive, or at least force enhanced as seemingly everyone has the force you just gotta train it or is it just enhanced? We don’t know star wars lore is confusing sometimes which thank God the sequel’s have no legends and just continuity like last time we or I guess Mae covered Star wars with Darth Revan”

Mae: “Anyways when Ben was found force sensitive like by the way fork found in the kitchen moment a skywalker with the force is totally unheard of, He was sent to Luke’s force temple and trained under the way of the force for awhile and all was good he even had his own blue lightsaber which like last time is a weapon that is a super hot plasma which can burn through basically anything and considering Plasma is hotter then the sun itself is saying something”

L.O.T: “Though he wouldn’t use this lightsaber for long as snoke (we’ll get to him later) found his presence in the force and basically groomed him using his untrained yet powerful prowess hiding deep inside and kinda made him to the dark side, Well Ben seemingly resisted and only joined Snoke after Luke tried to attack Ben out of fear which led Ben down the dark side where he slaughtered all of the other students”

Mae: “Ehhhh kinda? Again sequel bullshit in bound (Note: Hi Taelia here aka the writer I actually enjoy the sequel trilogy a lot finding ⅔ of the movies to be good but the story makes no sense sometimes especially at the end…) basically in the comics Luke accidentally ignited his lightsaber after looking into Ben’s mind but regretted it, Ben who just woke up tried defending himself and launched Luke back destroying the hut and burying him in the debris and causing him to leave and exile himself from the jedi order but not before destroying the jedi temple with a massive force lightning storm that killed all but three jedi who tracked Ben down and considering he became Kylo ren you can guess how that turned out”

L.O.T: “It was actually during this whole ordeal where he met a group called the knights of Ren led by… Ren, Narcissist much? Well doesn’t matter as Ben plunged his fellow students lightsaber into Ren’s chest and became Kylo Ren”

Mae: “As Ben became Kylo ren he also got an army of Tie fighters, Newly modified At-At’s, speeders, stormtroopers, etc but also got two new important figures Captain Phasma the leader of the stormtroopers and prime example of wasted potential, Hux who mostly commands the entire army because truth be told Kylo Ren is a one man army”

L.O.T: “He’s taken down entire resistances, led the first order for a year, fought 1 on 1 with Rey multiple times and technically won all but one which were all distributed by outside forces, fought and beat Luke skywalker, survived lightsaber wounds, fight at mach speeds, beat Ren, snoke, the entire knights of ren who are extremely skilled and trained mercenaries and even killed a Zillo beast which gave the entire republic killing just a single one, Zillo beasts are basically unstoppable thanks to their scales protecting them against orbital bombardments and lightsabers which as stated in Darth Revan’s analysis are hot as 20,000 degrees celsius so what did he do?”

Mae: “Jump straight into the monster! Which probably should’ve killed him but hey he survived and killed the Zillo beast and also somehow burnt through the plates from the inside despite being immune to lightsabers, Speaking of which he has quite the mighty arsenal mostly his cross guard lightsaber with a cracked Kyber crystal which is also cool and has the best ignition sound effect in my opinion but he also has a secondary blue lightsaber which he can pull from the force at a moments notice (it’s the force don’t question it) He’s also skilled in multiple forms of the force like force grip, force lightning, force push, force pull, force jump, force healing, force stasis, Can activate Frenzy where he becomes faster and increases his durability by 40%”

L.O.T: “He’s also got boost cards from battlefront 2 that helps with some of these like power of darkness boosting Kylo’s attack by 6%, Power reach increases the Force pull’s range and Harsh pull deals more damage, Bloodlust boosts damage during frenzy by 40% and berserking tantrum drains less stamina during Frenzy and Tantrum is one of the best ways to describe Kylo ren’s character, He is incredibly childish throwing fits whenever mad but don’t get it wrong these aren’t small baby tantrums he will kill you easily during this getting tunnel vision”

Mae: “And like stated before he has some mind magic force stuff going on being able to read minds, make them unconscious, or like before pull Anakin’s lightsaber out of nowhere but for this whoever is wielding the lightsaber needs to agree for it to be pulled, Though all of his power and abilities have draw backs like since Kylo never finished his training he drains his stamina faster then usual and it becomes harder to focus on the force and combat as time goes on which is really strange since like Kylo should’ve been trained at this point but whatever”

L.O.T: “Kylo is a fairly complex character he’s always in the balance of light and dark underneath his mask he truly wants to be good but he’s been molded and manipulated into becoming the leader of Palpatine’s new first order I mean the scene where he kills Han solo his own dad says it all there, He doesn’t have the strength to cross back into the light… but eventually he did thanks to Rey and a talk with dear old dad he was able to join her on Exogul and defeat Palpatine but in during the battle when faced with death he used his last chance and saved Rey, In the process He killed Kylo Ren but died as Ben solo and saved Rey from death’s door.”

Mae: “For basically all his life Ben wanted to finish what his Grandfather started and in his final moments he did. He saved the woman he loved from death, The sequel’s maybe a mess but we’ll be dead and buried before we admit Ben solo wasn’t the best part about them. OH I FINALLY REMEMBER WHO HE WAS NAMED AFTER BEN QUADINAROS!”

Edelgard brings a new standard:

(Editor’s note: We’ll be using Three houses and Three hopes scaling for this and no Heroes scaling because reading a single item description will be longer than the entirety of this fight.”

Mae: “Welcome to the land of Fodlan a land torn by devastating wars that ended when Lady Seiros killed Nemesis in a single strike, And saved the region with the help of nobles from a nation soon to become it’s ruler, Lycaon the first founded the Adrestian empire and ruled Fodlan with the church of Seiros now led by Rhea and peace remained until Faerghus united and defeated the empire in the battle of the Eagle and Lion resulting in the Church separating the borders and giving Faerghus it’s independence and again with the Leicester alliance, The empire while not visibly hurt by this did hurt it’s reputation and one noble sought to change this her name? Edelgard Von Hresvelg”

L.O.T: “Edelgard was born into nobility in 1162, She was born the ninth child and fourth daughter to the current Emperor: Ionius IX, She like all her siblings were trained to become the proper heirs until one fateful day, You see her uncle Volkhard Von Arundel took her to the holy kingdom of-“

Mae: “Fartguss :)”

L.O.T proceeds to grab Mae by the throat and throws her out a window like that one Garfield image: “Jesus trying to be serious here… anyways at the age of nine she was taken to the holy kingdom of Faerghus where she later met a young boy named Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd and while not knowing it met her step brother as her mother fled and married King Lambert aka Dimitri’s dad”

Mae crawling back from the window: “Hopefully nothing bad happens to this family dynamic but eventually Edelgard went back home to the empire and… well L.O.T. I’ll let you take this one”

L.O.T: “Thank you, Well you when she returned she along with her siblings were imprisoned underneath the palace and were experimented on with blood reconstructional surgery. All done by an organization called “Those who slither in the dark” but by the end all her siblings were either driven mad, died from exhaustion or both, All that remained was Edelgard and the fruits of their labour? A second crest inside Edelgard this being the crest of Flames the same crest her teacher would bare who we’ll touch on later and as result Edelgard’s hair turned white”

Mae: “But something much more sinister stirred inside her, A new hatred for Crests and the caste system, If she was gonna change the system she’d need to grab it by the throat and change it herself, So she enrolled at the academy with her servant Hubert and where YOUUUU Teach teacher well of course this is the only route what are you gonna do play the route without the bi sexual no thank youuuu”

L.O.T: “Just because someone’s Bi doesn’t automatically make it the best route…”

Mae: “Yes it does!”

L.O.T: “Lived for an eternity and still acts like a child… But yeah while I myself am more fond of the golden deer side we’ll be focusing on the crimson flower route and since we discussed it with Kylo, Yes the other students like Hubert, Lysithea, Dorthea, Ferdinand and the likes will join the battle but ONLY as background mentions”

L.O.T: “Back to the story around the same time the professor arrived to the academy the flame emperor appeared as well, Who tried to overthrow the church on multiple occasions, But during sometime she succeeded her father’s crown and became Emperor of Adrestia and thus her plan was set into motion, But the day she enacted her plan was the same day Byleth and Rhea went to the holy tomb and was confronted by the flame emperor where he tried to and unsuccessfully steal the heroes relics but a lucky hit from Byleth damaged the mask and it was revealed the flame emperor was Edelgard all along, Rhea tried her best to make Byleth kill Edelgard but ultimately failed and thus a five year long war against the church commenced”

Mae: “For Five long and grueling years the war against the caste system raged across Fodlan and seemingly the empire was winning as they gained more and more ground, Hell Edelgard was probably the single most powerful unit in the empire minus Lysithea if we’re taking into account of recruitables, And she’s proved it and has the tools to do it like her trusty Aymr which is a giant ass spiked axe which can cut through solid fire and is even more deadly with her 50 attack stat, which is boosted thanks to Axefaire, Nullify armour with Armored effect Null, Axe prowess 5 which basically means it’ll always hit as long as it’s an axe being used by Edelgard, Hit +20 which boosts the chance of hitting And while not adept in it like others she still has some magic like healing, recover, bolganone, and even Hades Ω and Luna V which can summon a giant swirl of dark energy and A FUCKING BLACK HOLE! She even has the sword of seiros which heals the user after attacking, She’s stronger then Dimitri as she did beat and kill him in combat, led an entire army for five years without stopping once, either killed or spared the entire alliance, able to dodge Thunder, The wind, balls of light, Earthquakes/The ground opening up, giant beams of light AND A FUCKING METEOR which calculated by Death battle goes Mach 66, Taken down beast twice her size with ease, defeated armies on her own in three hopes and the big one, Slaying Rhea”

L.O.T: “Well more accurately seiros who tanked two javelin of lights which again thanks to Deathbattle we can use their calc of a single javelin being 3.27 gigatons of tnt and Edelgard is confirmed to be stronger than seiros and wanna know something funny when Byleth and Edelgard used the Sword of Creator and Aymr on her it did more damage than the medieval nukes”

Mae: “This isn’t even her strongest form but thing is that form requires prep work and basically strips Edelgard of her entire being becoming unrecognizable so we won’t be using that form but for all that Edelgard is she has her limits like Dimitri she has poor magic resistance, she can’t heal lost limbs and she kinda loses in 3 of the 4 routes… But only due to Byleth because if it isn’t for Byleth the war ends with Edelgard’s victory if that doesn’t say leading an army I don’t know what does”

L.O.T: “After killing Rhea Edelgard ensured that the land of Fodlan would be a land for all and not for the nobility with crests and such becoming a thing of the past and helping raise a new era across the land.”

Mae: “Alright with the combatants data all compiled and with their stats a winner has been decided”

L.O.T: “It’s time for Cross versus!”

Pre fight:

A massive fleet flies above Gareg mach monastery, Tie fights sweep down and rain down laser barrages destroying farms and houses as ships carrying At-At’s drop down while inside one of Super star destroyers Hux approaches Kylo ren inside the command deck

Kylo ren: “Status report, And it better be good news.”

Hux: “Both good news and bad ne- ACK!”

Kylo ren turns towards Hux angrily and starts to force choke him

Hux: “It’s- We found the rel-relic-“

Kylo drops him as he hits the cold steel floor of the deck

Kylo Ren: “Then why hasn’t our troops recovered it, Or especially Phasma.”

Hux: “Phasma is too busy fighting a blue haired mercenary while the regular troops have proved useless in terms of fighting back despite…”

He looks down in both shame and disbelief

Hux: “Technological advances between us”

Kylo sighs and walks away: “Call the knights, I’ll be waiting in my ship”

Meanwhile on the ground Edelgard leads a bunch of civilians into the main church and watches as some mages blow up tie fighters with fireballs

Edelgard: “Keep it up everyone! Come on inside!”

The last civilian runs inside alongside Edelgard as the gates close

Edelgard: “Everyone down into the-“

Suddenly an explosion is heard from the top of the church as Kylo ren’s ship floats down in the church and lands, the shuttle door opens as the Knights of Ren walk out in a formation protecting Kylo ren until it’s deemed safe

Kylo ren: “Can’t believe my forces were having trouble with a civilization stuck with sticks and stones…”

Edelgard: “Who are you and why are you attacking our empire.”

She raises the sword of seiros at Kylo Ren demanding an answer

Kylo ren scoffs: “Oh please… Listen just give me that holocron and you’ll be able to live under the first order, Deal?”

Edelgard laughs at Kylo: “Live under you? Oh please We already lived under a oppressive regime before and we’re not going back, So take your army and leave before I cut off the snake’s head before anymore venom spills out how about that?”

Kylo ren sighs as an explosion is heard, The main gate falls down as a bunch of first order troopers run in and point their guns at the civilians, He orders the ship to blow up Edelgard but a fireball smashes into it before it can fire destroying the cockpit

Hubert: “Sorry we’re late, Just had to make sure they had room in the Mausoleum for them.”

He nods to the group of civilians as they say thank you and run to the safety of the holy Mausoleum and suddenly a bunch of Adrestian empire solider’s fill the room, Underneath his mask Kylo’s eyebrow twitches as he ignites his lightsaber and both leaders shout out to their armies

Kylo ren: “FIRE!”

Edelgard: “CHARGE!”

FIGHT!:

Both armies clash as fire and thunder clash on one side and laser blasts attack the other, Knights charge towards storm troopers while Edelgard and Kylo ren clash, The sword of seiros slides down as Edelgard guides it down and smacks Kylo ren’s mask with it’s hilt and knocks him back with Fire, He skids back and looks at two heavy knights trying to attack him, He decapitates the first and plunges his saber into the second one’s chest right in front of the heart, He looks at Edelgard who summons fire again but before she could summon it she’s pushed back by Force push, She tries to move again but finds herself unable to move

Edelgard: “I can’t… What did you-“

Kylo ren: “The dark side is more powerful than you could ever imagine!”

He appears as a flash as he rushes at Edelgard and slices at her chest sending her back into a pillar, He tries to attack her again but she’s able to dodge it and slices the stomach area of his chest healing the damage done to her before, She then grabs onto Kylo’s head and slams it against the pillar from before and summons fire in front of him burning his suit, Kylo screams in agony as he uses the force around him to cause a giant pulse of force energy pushing Edelgard back into some benches and extinguishing any fire, He then uses Force grip but Edelgard uses Nosferatu disrupting his concentration as she slices the left arm of Kylo ren’s arm causing it to bleed and sends him flying into his ship by using Seraphim

Kylo ren: “That’s all you got?”

He notices the ground begin to crack as she sternly says

Edelgard: “No.”

Using Bolganone to blow up the ship, a massive fireball consumes the entire area, metal flies by in every direction and even slices Edelgard’s cheek, There’s no response from Kylo ren for a bit

Edelgard: “I still feel like-“

Suddenly she looks forward as Kylo Ren leaps forward with his red lightsaber and slices off a piece of Edelgard’s shoulder armour and prepares a follow up attack but it’s blocked by Edelgard’s sword

Kylo ren: “You’re strong I admit that, But join me you can reach your true potential! No more needless violence and suffering!”

Edelgard: “I know you’re kind. All talks about saving people and doing good but I know what you truly are, You conquer for power meanwhile I.”

Using Smite she pushes Kylo ren back by swinging her sword against his mask, Shattering some of his mask revealing part of his face

Edelgard: “I conquered for change! I helped people and fixed the system of Fodlan for the better! You and your empire is no better than Rhea and her trickery”

She rushes and uses combat arts Hexblade as magical energy swirls around the blade it slams into Kylo ren’s chest causing blood to spill out as she plunges it into his shoulder and digs it deeper as he screams and drops his lightsaber

Edelgard: “It’s over, Submit now and leave.”

Kylo ren’s fist clenches with lightning: “Like you said… I’ll never submit to the likes of you.”

Suddenly a massive storm swirls above the church as force lightning smashes down destroying much of the infrastructure and pushing Edelgard back, burning both storm troopers, knights and Lorenz, Edelgard’s armour turns partially black from the giant explosion as she looks at Kylo ren healing himself with the force before unleashing a blast of force lightning which she dodges and uses Hades Ω which engulfs Kylo ren, But the giant swirl dissipates by Kylo ren using force push around him, He lunges at Edelgard, Slicing off a horn from her crown but she’s able to pull the sword of his shoulder and blocks a quick paced strike from Kylo Ren who pushes his lightsaber down onto the sword more and more till it starts to crack, At the last second as it breaks Edelgard uses combat arts Hexblade once more and slicing off three fingers from Kylo’s left hand and plunges the sword into his stomach as it breaks, She backs up and uses recovery on herself, Kylo looks at her… His vision fading…

Suddenly rocks start to float around him, He unleashes a massive blast of force lightning, blasting Edelgard out of the churches main gate she lands on the bridge, As Kylo runs to Edelgard and exits the church but something snags his cape as Luna A is used sucking up everything around it but Kylo is able to break free by ripping off his cape as it disappears he lunges at Edelgard who deflects the attack with Aymr which smacks Kylo ren’s mask shattering it, Kylo grunts as he prepares to strike back but Edelgard slams the axe against Kylo’s left arm cutting it off and and causing his cross guard lightsaber to roll down behind Edelgard and into the a crack

Edelgard points aymr at Kylo ren: “Final chance leave now with your ships or face the consequences”

Her stern face stares at Kylo ren who closes his eyes, deep in his mind he only says “Rey… please” while outside he nods while reaching for his back with his arm causing Edelgard to strike but he’s able to block it in time as a blue lightsaber clashes with Aymr

Kylo Ren “Hux do it, NOW!”

Hux smiles as he tells his men to fire, Edelgard looks at him confused

Edelgard: “Who are you talking to?”

Suddenly a massive blast hits the church, Edelgard looks at the Star destroyer’s opening fire onto Gareg mach Monastery, She’s then knocked back by a force push as Kyo rolls over and gets in a proper stance only to hear Edelgard, shouting behind her: “Hubert! NOW!”

Kylo Ren looks confused: “Oh and you were confused when I said Hux? What kind of name is Hubert?”

He then clashes with Edelgard seemingly getting the upper hand until a ringing noise goes through his ears as he hears troops talking about a moon then looking in horror as dark spikes T and Luna A are used the ships slowly destroying them, He turns to Edelgard and in a frenzy swings at her landing some hits like cutting off her other shoulder armour, slicing her chest and cutting a mark next to her previously obtained cut on her cheek causing her to scream in pain as she holds it for a few seconds before charging at him, He then delivers a massive force push sending her back and then uses force stasis on her struggling as he breathes heavily

Kylo: “Just for that… once I’m done with you this entire planet will be dust”

His lightsaber flickers red but quickly turns back to blue, He slowly starts walking to Edelgard holding his stance, Suddenly Edelgard takes a step forward as she pushes through the straining force stasis

Edelgard: “We’ve dealt with with a wanna be tyrant before, And you’re about to meet her.”

She breaks free of Force stasis as Kylo’s energy is drained he tries again but it only works for a second so he unleashes his last amount of power onto Edelgard with force lightning

Kylo Ren: “IM- IMPOSSIBLE! YOU SHOULD’VE SUBMITTED TO THE DARK SIDE NOW! JUST BREAK ALREADY”

Lightning cracks around the bridge as Edelgard rushes towards Kylo and activates her combat arts raging storm

Edelgard: “YOU REALLY WANNA SEE MY RESOLVE?!”

Aymr breaks through Kylo’s defence as she knocks the lightsaber away swipes at Kylo’s head which turns into a pile of red mist… his body falls limp and onto the ground as Edelgard looks above at the falling Star destroyers and sighs

Edelgard: “That… That is my resolve.”

KO!

Mae: “BI SEXUAL WIN LETS GOOOO”

L.O.T: “can you stop yelling… Anyways yes Edelgard had every opportunity for a victory so let’s go over everything which is…”

Mae: “A…”

L.O.T: “Don’t you dare.”

Mae: “A L.O.T. :)”

L.O.T: “why are you like this”

Mae: “Well a case of severe autism and a coping mechanism, But we’re getting off track let’s go through the 9 categories being Army, Attack potency, Strength, Speed, experience, weapons, Hax, Durability and intelligence shall we?”

L.O.T: “Starting with a surprise and it’s a win with Edelgard for Army, Which may be confusing as well but let me explain, Kylo’s army should be a lot stronger considering space warlord stuff but no they were out matched constantly by foot soldiers matched Edelgard’s thanks to Magic, with meteors, giant beams of light and black holes overpowering At-At’s by regular troops it would take a lot even the star destroyers were out matched compared to Hubert and Lysithea who could match power levels comparable to the javelins thanks to crest power ups for Lysithea and being around the same level as Rhea who is able to over power the medieval nukes and not to mention loyalty would become a major problem later on in the fight as Hux has stated he hates Kylo ren and considering he can just lead the first order if given reason for it he would fire at Kylo plus entire platoons have defected from the first order while Edelgard’s solider’s have proved loyalty plus Captain Phasma would be knocked out easily by troops like Ashe, Ignatz or Rapheal who can match the lower big bad’s like Black beast’s or giant mech’s (yeah Fe3h got weird during chapter 18) meaning moral would drop fast, Winner for Army is Edelgard”

Mae: “What’s not a surprise is Edelgard also taking attack potency, I mean axe beats sword minus type triangle but the main point is that the weapon Edelgard uses is able to output the same damage if not more then two nukes And while Kylo’s force abilities are strong he has never shown this level of power as the best attack he’s done was during the jedi temple explosion and killing the Zillo beast, In the mandalorian season 2.5 aka book of Boba fett we can see the temple being built and can safely say it’s the same size as your average mega church at the biggest which is a highball, Destroying that comes nowhere near the amount of power of a nuke especially more and considering Rhea bled more by the sword of creator + Aymr attack seems possible that Edelgard’s attack would destroy anything Kylo could do, Okay so let’s compare the Zillobeast to Rhea then surely another monster will be able to match her power right? Well the Zillo beast in the clone wras was killed by an aerial bombardment of Poisonous gas fired into it’s mouth wanna know how Kylo killed his Zillobeast? Well a direct attack into it’s stomach which it’s only weakness so even using that can’t really display any power as the Zillobeast wasn’t killed by anything requiring AP, no matter how you scale it Edelgard out classes Kylo in Attack potency”

L.O.T: “But what is attack potency without strength so first off should the force even count for this? Ehhh sure why not so with the force Kylo ren should be comparable to Rey who was able to move giant 6 Ft rocks into the air but thing is Rey uses the force like an Ally while Kylo uses it much more as a tool, And a tool depletes over time without training, Essentially what I’m saying is over time thanks to Kylo ren skipping training he would run out of the force over the course of the battle so that’s a problem, Meanwhile Edelgard is able to cause blackholes hell even two of them and she won’t be exhausted thanks to the way tomes work, She also has a 55 base strength stat by the final form of Emperor which is higher than anything Dimitri has, His highest is 51 plus not to mention Kylo Ren isn’t trained physically or mentally while Edelgard is, Huh turns out taking the time to go to class paid off, Even if Edelgard had nothing her raw power overpowers Kylo in everyway”

Mae: “But speed is a little more tricky as both can dodge, lightning and pure light it would be safe to say it’s a tie right? Wrong reaction and movement speeds are still important factors and turns out Kylo wins this one due to his movement, You see Edelgard wears a more defensive set of armour most likely a lightweight type of steel meanwhile Kylo is all robes allowing him to move faster then Edelgard even if gave Edelgard a speed boost she’d still be moving slower then Kylo who basically had nothing on and could enhance his speed and jumping capabilities with the force though that would decrease over time but still Kylo would have more then enough speed to out pace Edelgard”

L.O.T: “But not experience as Kylo ren only led the first order for a year while Edelgard led the entire Adrestian empire for five years but even then Edelgard had a much more extensive training and a better teacher over the course of Byleth teachings, the 5 year long war and previous war training she gained as a kid while Kylo ren never could organize his forces against a small resistance which were basically all on one planet not to mention during the war Edelgard was still learning thanks to Byleth while Snoke basically gave no training or combat training to him while Edelgard was always in a fight for survival and with an army that uses weapons that are strong against her (Type triangle) meaning Edelgard would have the experience to basically counter act anything Kylo had, Kylo was always gifted his wins as he was a big fish in a small pound but like Liam Neason said: “There’s always a bigger fish.”

Mae: “Well surely he has to win weapons right? I mean it’s a lightsaber so let’s go over everything, Edelgard has three weapons, magic, Sword of seiros and Aymr while Kylo Ren has his Crossguard saber and Anakin’s Lightsaber so Edelgard wins in terms of number but what about the weapons itself? Well by order of the type triangle Edelgard would be at a disadvantage with Aymr but reminder just Aymr as she would be on equal footing with the sword and tomes which Kylo had no real counters and especially against Aymr as the sword of the creator is able to slice fireballs away meaning they should be hotter than plasma or around there but more importantly design between the weapons as Lightsabers are design to just go through while the sword of Seiros is designed with a jagged design meaning it’s more painful to get stabbed by it and more blood loss while Aymr is more designed to… honestly I have no idea what it’s supposed to do just look up the design Idk what it’s function in combat is, But essentially it is gonna hurt a lot more being smacked by it then a simple stabbing plus more room to defend herself, Edelgard gets weapons”

L.O.T: “So with Kylo ren having the force he should take it right? Nope! Kylo Ren isn’t as in tuned with the force like Rey plus needing to take a rest due to the lack luster training he got meaning over time as Edelgard would over power him his powers would be drained which is how he fell while Edelgard’s hax while the damage was still limited her having skills, combat arts, 20 uses of healing and 5 uses of restore, Plus more uses like her tools with shields, healing items, staffs, rings speeding her up, more accurate attacks or allowing her to deal more damage with critical hits and a lot more and that’s only her three houses stuff while Kylo ren’s hax more focused in categories that Edelgard had more control over plus while having low magic resistance she could match Dimitri who is able to deflect Thales city levelling magic meaning some force lightning was a easy counter at the start”

Mae: “Durability is a tricky one because while Edelgard has the better weapons Kylo’s lightsaber could render her armour null and turns out it would due to it being able to slice through armour that can withstand aerial bombardments but how much damage can they take is another story as Kylo ren got damaged after a single blast from chewbaca’s bowcaster which is just a bolt of light while Edelgard can survive Luna A which is the black hole but also other hero relics, meteor strikes, fire, lightning, giant beams of light, blasts that can destroy cities via Thale and attacks from Rhea who is able to destroy Javelin’s of light plus turns out that armour is useful for defending against attacks, Edelgard takes Durability”

L.O.T: “And finally Intelligence which no offence to Kylo was pretty easy as we figured out who was more smarter and had better battle IQ which as no surprise is Edelgard who has maintained countless battles and enrolled and essentially finished School at a higher age while Kylo ren is basically an elementary-early high school drop out, Not to mention the kinds and how many battles each army fought, The first order was spread out the entire galaxy but not much fighting happened as we know due to the Rise of skywalker they were able to hide away the last remaining troops of the resistance on a small planet so Kylo’s entire rule of the first order was him searching around while Edelgard led and commanded entire armies for five whole years and kept learning more and more thanks to Byleth’s sudden return making Edelgard way more smarter in every single category then Kylo ren”

Mae: “It was a- holy shit kylo only got one stat out of nine?”

L.O.T: “Yeah it was a major stomp in Edelgard’s favour”

Mae: “Huh… Well it was an uphill battle for Kylo ren but he just couldn’t handle everything Edelgard would throw at him, Looks like destiny and fate played black eagles because the winner is Edelgard Von Hresvelg”

Next time on Cross versus:

???: Do not underestimate me,——-, for I am the good witch —-! Child of the Human Realm, student of the Demon Realm, And warrior of peace! ...NOW EAT THIS SUCKAA!!

???: I don't care about ancient history, I didn't come here to become one of those moldy old witches. It's no fun at all. I wanna be a cool witch like Shiny Chariot!

Chapter Text

L.O.T: “Witch craft”

Mae: “BI SEXUALS LETS GOOOO THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT WOOOOOO”

L.O.T: “…please don’t devolve their stories to just being bi Mae.”

Mae: “Sorry just been excited for this fight since season 2 started”

L.O.T: “Wait you got the upcoming episode scripts?”

Mae: “…im the one who is making them :/ Anyways we’re getting off topic, Magic is a tricky thing you either are born with it or you’re just half a witch”

L.O.T: “Like humans who are incapable of casting magic naturally but like Jurassic Park “Life uh finds a way”

Mae: “Like my girl Luz Noceda”

L.O.T: “Or my personal favourite Atsuko Akko Kagari”

Mae: “My name is Mae, I’m your host alongside L.O.T. And it’s our job to figure out who would win between Luz the Human or Atsuko… The also human”

Luz makes you talk to the glyph Witch:

Mae: “NOW EAT THIS SUCKAAA” Azura cried out as she launched a magic missile at Gilder snake, As he died he let out a shriek “No my only weakness dying!!”

L.O.T: “This was Luz Noceda’s book report on her favourite book and series in general Azura the witch though her principal wasn’t very… keen on it”

Mae: “Asshole…”

L.O.T: “Well to be fair she was also in there because she unleashed a horde of snakes into the school, Wait where did she even get those things”

Mae: “Best not to question it though the canonical answer is they probably found her due to saying she can sit so still that animals come to her”

L.O.T: “I mean with all the weird things she’s done I’m surprised she didn’t get into trouble sooner”

Mae: “Hey! All the things she did were fine! And honestly her mom and dad were probably the same way thanks to Camila’s nightmare confirming that”

L.O.T: “Speaking of which during that nightmare we saw why Camila signed Luz up to reality check camp as an effort so she didn’t end up like her and get bullied, Parental instincts, You’d know a lot about that Mae”

Mae: “Hey my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and etc all turned out fine! Don’t blame me for being immortal and taking care of them! But yeah even though Camila thought she was doing the right thing she knew deep down she wasn’t and so she let Luz wait for the bus alone (kinda we’ll get back to that) where she dropped her favourite book, The good witch Azura”

L.O.T: “Until her mom left and she immediately tried looking for it, Problem was that an adorable tiny trash thief stole it and started hopping away, Luz gave chase and went straight through a door, The door to the demon realm”

Mae: “Well to be more accurate the island built off of an old titan called the boiling isles”

L.O.T: “You know I’ve always been fascinated by that place with how intricate the population is spread out on an entire skeleton? It’s something we don’t see much but off topic time over, The demon realm was home to witches and monsters also classified as Bugs, Biped and beasts according to Hooty”

Mae: “fucker still owes me $20, But yeah a world full of magic and… Creepy shitc that fairy still scares me… This is also where she met Eda the Owl lady! The realms most (proclaimed by herself) powerful witch around, Which will become important for some scaling later on, Eda took Luz under her wing and “taught” her the way of magic alongside King the… king of demons, he’s a kid dw he’ll understand the naming thing later who is also voiced by a certain yellow triangle man”

L.O.T: “Yeah the quotes were needed because Eda while technically did teach her magic she didn’t do it the traditional way because due to the biological side Humans don’t have a weird bump on their hearts that allow them to cast magic, But Luz wouldn’t give up eventually one night during a cursed Eda situation Luz would find a glyph”

Mae: “That Glyph was for light, Allowing her to undo Eda’s transformation for awhile but more importantly it meant Luz can now do Magic! Well only this form of magic for now and light is more on the defensive side only casting a small light but it wouldn’t be the last glyph she would learn”

L.O.T: “With fire she can set objects on fire and spew fire, Ice can create pillars or shards of ice or just snow, And Plant creates giant vines that can wrap around the target, She can make Tornadoes (though a small one), Make water fountains, make herself immune to fall damage with the safety hover glyph and the petrifaction glyph combo which Luz doesn’t use and would be very out of character for her to use so we won’t be acknowledging it”

Mae: “And she can do all this by her weird powers to always draw a perfect circle, Screw all the “weird” things that were shown, That is the most terrifying thing. How does she do that every time??”

L.O.T. Just shrugs: “Beats me but she would use these glyphs against emperor Belos but unlike Luz, Belos wouldn’t use Glyphs for good instead he used them for-“

Mae: “Eh we’ll cover Belos’s story later on this season but over the course of two seasons he would send countless coven members against Luz who are by Principle Bumps words: “The best of the best” who all kept getting destroyed by Luz and Eda, even besting some of the toughest coven members like Lilith and Hunter/The Golden Guard”

L.O.T: “Unfortunately Mr Colonizer over there wanted to cause the day of unity, A event where after an eclipse is formed and every witch would be drained of their magic all thanks to the collector, Who’s the collector? Just a Child God who can move the moon with his finger who was freed from King no biggie, Luz would eventually stop Belos’s plan but only thanks to the collector where Luz and the gang would be forced into the human realm”

Mae: “Though their little vacation and Luz’s self guilt didn’t last long, Well her guilt did but Belos somehow survived being turned into a pancake by the collector and snuck into the human realm with the gang, And then going back to the demon realm so he could finish what he started, But during all of this Luz felt nothing but guilt, She felt like she had let down everyone she knew by teaching Phillip the light glyph and causing everything that happened but it wasn’t until her mom had a talk that brought Luz back, After so long of helping everyone and fixing their problems Camila Noceda was the one to heal Luz and awaken her Palismen but finally figuring out what she wanted to be, Understood”

L.O.T: “And this Palismen, Stringbean would become a valuable arsenal for Luz as she can now fire giant beams which evaporate entire chunks of ground but it wouldn’t be the last of the power ups that Luz got, When Belos infected the entire island he kinda killed Luz but was saved last second by…. The titan! Who gifted Luz with the last of his powers so she could defeat Belos once and for all”

Mae: “In one final confrontation Luz, Eda and King would storm the castle and destroy Belos”

L.O.T: “Until the slimy bitch somehow survived and pleaded to Luz that he’s good now and since they’re both humans they’re better than all these witches as his skin melted off and turned into a goo pile”

Mae: “Dude I don’t think you can even qualify as human at that point, And you really think a human who has a found family of witches AND IS DATING ONE Is gonna let their conqueror is gonna let you go?? Well Luz just let Belos suffer until Eda, king and Raine came up and stomped on his skull into mush, Saving the boiling isles…”

L.O.T: “Though Luz would stay and help rebuild the boiling isles over the course of 4 years her story essentially ended there.”

Mae: “Oh boy now we it’s that part we where don’t discuss the story and focus on feats time okay so this is tricky but according to Dana the Boiling isles is recorded to be the size of Vermont but according to the math that’s not right, You see Thanks to Reddit user U/Creepertrainz they were able to calculate the boiling isles to be 32 Kilometres long compared to Vermonts 25000 km, But during the Belos fight Luz was able to create a light spell so powerful it destroyed all of the guck by Belos which at that point spread to all across the isles and started stacking up, If you wanna know how powerful that would be the bomb dropped by Russia aka the Tsar bomb had a kilometre range of 8, If we lowball the light explosion to the calculated size that’s around four times the length of the Tsar bomb which would be 3,125 times more powerful then the Tsar bomb, And if you’re wondering where Dana said this it’s in a interview during 2020”

L.O.T: “That’s not even the biggest ounce of power she has, So remember the collector who was able to move a moon with just a finger which would be around 9 Yottatons of tnt (according to fan battle’s Luz vs Anne video go watch them, Cell vs Metal sonic isn’t out by the time this was written but it’s already peak) well the same Collector has stated that grown titans are so strong, Even stronger than him while chilling in a pocket dimension that’s full of stars…”

Mae: “Okay so this places Luz’s ap and strength IN TITAN FORM at around Country-Moon level or if you wanna believe the pocket dimension feat Multi solar system level, Which is insane so we’ll discuss this during the analysis and see if anything changes but for all purposes we’ll be using the moon feat for Titan Luz’s max during the fight”

L.O.T: “She’s also sustained a ton of damage by being thrown around by literally everyone and somehow didn’t get a concussion, She’s survived up close explosions even surviving one of the titan’s fingers exploding on top of her not to mention her durability would be greatly boosted in her titan form, Sadly we don’t have any info on her durability in this form other than knowing it would be boosted as she survived a direct impact from Beloszilla (That’s what the writer calls giant green Belos sometimes) hand which she then burnt through layers of skin and she also got this fancy little bubble that was able to dig straight through the Beloszilla’s heart”

Mae: “Her speed is insane too as in base form her light glyph during Episode 12 of Season 1 managed to reach the stars in a couple seconds meaning her light glyphs are going at speeds much faster than light should be, Even if we don’t count that Luz has been able to keep up and move faster or just as fast as characters who could react to light based attacks like the light glyph plus in her titan form with the previously mentioned bubble she was able to fly up above the clouds in less than 3 seconds”

L.O.T: “Though with all strengths she has to have some downsides, Well for one in order to achieve her titan form she’d basically need to die… obviously she’d come back but still dying is a pain but also in said titan form she has a time limit on it meaning if she’s in this more powerful form she’s gonna have to act fast, There’s also the problem of supply, While yes she can make Glyphs on anything the chance she’ll get to write again while in combat is very minimal”

Mae: “But that didn’t stop this little good witch from helping the collector overcome himself and put belos down for good.”

Akko shines a little light on the competition:

L.O.T: “When Akko was a child her parents took the magic mega fan to a magic show featuring none other then Shiny Chariot”

Mae: “You see in this world instead of being scammed by “magicians” magic is actually real and extremely powerful, Akko was entranced by this performance so much that she wanted to go into magic school and become a witch”

L.O.T: “One tiny small minuscule problem, Akko came from a family of non magical and ordinary people but that just meant she would work herself extra hard and would eventually be accepted into the school called Luna Nova Academy”

Mae: “Where she’s eventually find her trusty magic stick”

L.O.T: “Wand Mae, It’s a wand”

Mae: “Shut up, Anyways finding her magic stick Shiny Rod which would be extremely important as it would allow her to cast all her spells, Hell even two at a time, for now we’ll cover her arsenal before her character arc so let’s see how many spells she knows and JESUS… That’s uh that’s a lot”

L.O.T: “Starting with some rules about her magic first off There will be no Fusion magic as that requires outside help so no Luna Lana, Shiny Ballista, Magical Parade, Shine explosion, and Bond magic, With that. Sometimes Akko can’t really pull off the spells she wants or any spells due to her magic being drained by shiny chariot but also directly tied to her emotions and unluckily or lucky however you view it Akko is an emotional wreck on all sides, She’s overconfident but sometimes over her head, She’s quick to anger and due to this if you’re able to catch her off guard she might not be able to recover but that’s what makes Akko a great character, Her flaws are what make her such an amazing character, Imagine if Deku was a stoic and serious character all the time, It doesn’t work and it wouldn’t work with Akko which is why her flaws even help her like how thanks to her pure hearted goodness she was able to use the Shiny rod, But enough character analysis let’s get into the spells”

Mae: “We’ll also only be using spells that Akko is confirmed to use, In terms of minor things she can levitate people or objects or use mending magic to fix things up But the first spell she learnt was a spell that turned her into a little mouse aka Metamorphosis magic, not that useful in a fight unless you get really creative with it, There’s the heat blast spell which as it’s name implies is a fire based spell that shoots a laser like beam that explodes on contact, Cause the ground below her to blow up via Earth Buster from the games, Curse shield which reduces the chance for secondary effects against Akko, Can boost her defence with the reflecting armor spell, Can heal herself with Heal spell, Can remove any lasting effects on herself with the Cure spell, Can restore her health over time with the Regeneration Spell, Can regain some Mana with the Mana tap spell, Circle of healing spell will summon a sigil below Akko and gradually restore health over time, Can repair larger objects now, She can also turn into people like when she transformed into her girlfriend Dianne, Also a monkey, Can use the spirit calling spell which allows the user to call upon old spirits in objects for specific tas… tasks oh my god that’s a lot”

L.O.T: “Not even done but since you’re exhausted I’ll take over for elemental magic we got the Ice Javelin spell which summons an ice shaped javelin that flies at enemies, Can cause ice vortexes with Frost spiral, Can shatter enemies if they’re frozen but doesn’t do much of anything like naughty dog for the past twelve years against anyone not frozen, But it pairs nicely with the ice bind spell that freezes the ground below Akko and makes it so anyone that walks into it is frozen, Icy dawn is a massive ice block that can hurt enemies above it, Can use the Freezing wave spell for a shield of ice, Icy embrace causes a giant gust of icy wind to be sent towards the opponent, Rain of icicle spell is just icicle crash from Pokemon, The white out spell causes a massive blizzard to form, Stone needle causes a stone pillar to shoot out, The Rock fist spell causes a giant rock fist to be summoned and launched down, Can cause boulders to fall down out of nowhere with the stonefall spell, Causing a wave of sharp stone to shoot out of the ground with the Stone wave spell, Can summon giant earth pillars and crush anything with the Earthen spikes spell, Cause a sandstorm with… You already know the spell name, Wind Arrow shoots an arrow made out of wind at the target, Same with Tornado shot but it’s stronger, Can weaken defences with the Weakness bomb spell, Can make people drop their belongings with the Steel wind spell, Can cause a small tornado to be casted around her for a small time with the Windstorm spell, She can even cast fire lightning which magically ignites things on fire without speaking it’s incantation, Can spew a Fire ball like a true magic user, Hex flame shoots out 6 balls of fire at the target, Fire arrow is just Ice javelin, stone needle and wind arrow but fire, Spark Flare is a giant fire ball that explodes upon impact, Can cast the Rapid fire spell which makes a giant volley of fireballs, flame shot is another fireball spell, Flare splash causes small meteorites to fall down onto the field but can damage Akko in the process, Can cause a giant Meteor to be sent flying down with the Meteor crash spell, Draconic Volcano besides being one of the most metal names ever spews a giant gust of fire, Ring of destruction can cause a giant pillar of fire to be launched out of the ground, Can cause a trail of fire pillars with Path of cinder, The Volcanic ray spell causes six of these pillars of fire to spawn, Shattering bolt causes a bolt of electricity to fire at the target for a bit, Lightning spear is just fire arrow but lightning, Can cast thunderbolt, Can summon thunderclouds and same with Judgment rain which summons multiple clouds to rain down lightning on foes, Can turn invisible with the Invisibility spell, Spellsap drains the magic of the target and same with Lifesap but with health, and for the big ones she’s got Gravity magic like Gravity orb that slows down anyone, Can fire a gravity laser, Can slow foes down with the gravity binding spell and… GOD DAMN IT ANOTHER BLACK HOLE FEAT?? Yeah so apparently she has access to a black hole but the game specifically states that it’s not an actual blackhole all it does is just drag targets including Akko in, And multiple stat boosting spells, Also we’ll be letting her get the divine clothing spell while Akko cannot use, Since Luz gets her titan form it’s only fair it’ll be used”

L.O.T. Collapses on the ground breathing heavily

Mae: “Damn despite being a seed inside a robot you actually have stamina… neat anyways get up we’re talking about Shiny rod now.”

She pokes L.O.T.’s body but no reaction

Mae: “Ah shit guess it’s up to me to sum up the rest of her feats and abilities, Starting with Shiny rod, You see this wand belonged to no other then Shiny Chariot which is used for breaking the seal on the grand Triskellion which is basically the granddaddy of all magic and the most powerful and potent of them all, The Shiny rod has seven slots which corresponds with the stars of the big dipper and each word to break said seal, Chariot the previous owner was unable to recover all 7 words only getting 6 before the rod was disappeared after the event where Chariot drained the magic of basically everyone around her but Akko was able to find all seven words, The first one being Noctu Orfei Aude Fraetor which translates to “Strive for your ideal place” which causes the rod to transform into a giant bow which causes devastating explosions, One of the explosions was so strong it left a scar on the moon, The second word was Phaedoari Afelgorr which translates toYou do not get the things that you dream of, you get the things you work for” which turns the rod into Shiny Ax, Third word is Arae Aryrha which translates to “Do not compare yourself with others, do what only you can do” which makes the Shiny rod into a grappling hook or becoming a master of metamorphosis magic, The fourth word is Mayinab Dyssivyrdd which translates to “To see it through, patience is important” Which turns it into a sprinkler, Fith word is Civilladura Lelladebura which translates to “When traditional and modern powers mingle, the gate to an unseen world will open” which turns the rod into Shiny Balai aka a magic broom that can move at immensely fast speeds, The sixth word Llyonne means “Thank you” which allows the shiny rod to heal any wound no matter how severe (minus a head being chopped off probably) and the Seventh and final word ever is Fasannciel Shearila which means “Connect with other people, and your dreams will grow” which just allows the user to break the seal, But thanks to her immense skill with magic she was able to defeat the Noir rod, Basically the shadow to the light rod’s sonic, Which launched multiple icbm’s at Akko who was able to dodge all of them (note that the noir dragon changed it’s form into an icbm after consuming it so that’s why we’re using it) She’s even survived a failed spell being casted by herself which caused a explosion, We don’t know the exact radius but all we see is smoke coming out of the classroom window meaning she survived an explosion equal to a hand grenade”

L.O.T. groans as he gets up: “But she isn’t without fault as said before her magic relies on her emotions which can be overtaken in a stressful moment, Not to mention her not really being the best with a broom or flying in general and also Akko’s magic is based off of her mana levels and could be bad if it is entirely depleted”

Mae: “Even with those faults she’s still incredibly skilled and talented so beware the little witch or else.”

L.O.T: “Alright with the combatants data all compiled and with their stats a winner has been decided”
Mae: “It’s time for Cross versus!”

Pre fight:

Portals from multiple magic schools have opened near hexside minus one portal being barricaded up with the word “Hogwarts” scratched out, People and monsters from across multiple realms walk in for the final rounds of a tournament, At the start we can see King, A scarecrow resembling Eda with a walkie Talkie stuffed inside it and the collector running a stand taking everyone's money for the entrance, Meanwhile at the tournament a magic blast from Sucy slams into Boscha sending her into a wall, Knocking her out

Announcer: “Oof! And that’s one point to Luna Nova academy making both Hexside and Luna nova tied with 5 points so far! Meaning whoever wins this last round wins it all! Sorry College of winterhold, Ravenwood school, House of wonder and of course the entirety of Hogwarts which was disqualified due to hateful comments by a head member, Also we just don’t like them. Anyways the most powerful students will now show up, First off we have Luz Noceda From HexSide!”

One side cheers and can faintly hear words of encouragement and Amity being Gay while the rest of the stands minus College of winterhold boo’s

Announcer: “Alright alright and the other Atsuko Akko Kagari from Luna nova academy!”

Same thing happens but with Diana and House of wonders swappe

Announcer: “And just in case either combatant or loved ones in the stands worry about someone dying we have revival spells, tomes and thanks too…”

His 5 eyes squint at a staff with a tag on it

Announcer: “May? Mae? Handwritings a little shobby, P.S. Tell Hooty he still owes me money”

A scream from the stands is heard as Lilith’s backpack starts moving and screaming about never being taken alive

Announcer: “…anyways BEGIN!”

He smacks the bell which screams in pain

FIGHT

Luz reaches down and uses 2 vine glyphs that tunnel throughout the ground and right before

Akko: “Kertina Feriane!”

Akko launches a fire ball at the vines charging towards her, incinerating the giant vines instantly, Luz runs past surprised

Luz: “WAIT YOU CAN DO MAGIC NORMALLY?! That’s so cool! You GOTTA teach me that later ”

She places down an ice glyph which creates a massive ice floor which Luz slides towards Akko with

Akko: “Sure! But you gotta teach me those paper things later! Menkarehu Tornare!”

Suddenly a massive stone fist slams into the ice path that shatters the icy surface, Luz is sent into the air but uses a plant glyph to cushion hair fall but it just bounces her past Akko, Luz skids and shouts “Spicy toss!!” And uses two fire glyphs that form a X shape but Akko gets rid of it by smacking it with her wand

Luz: “Oh come on… Again?! Can never get that to work OOP”

Caught off guard by Akko shouting “Arucraig Syraht Tanana!” which causes a wave of stone to crash in towards Luz who narrowly dodges it and uses three ice glyphs to make surround Akko and uses a plant glyph to jump up into the air and uses a fire glyph to finish it off, The flames smack into Akko but not before she says “Meitina Kristiare” raising her fire resistance allowing her to tank the damage, She then spots Luz running into cover for another sneak attack

Akko: “Oh no you don’t!”

She then uses two spells at once first being “Tiomerdosh Dorhadon” and then “Lankabahu Jawana” Suddenly a black hole opens next to Luz, Dragging her out of her cover but right before the Lightning spear can hit her she summons Stringbean and is able to boost herself out of the radius of the explosion

Luz: “WAS THAT A BLACK HOLE?? YOU CAN MAKE THOSE THATS SO COOL!”

Akko shrugs: “Ehhhh kinda it’s not an actual black hole it’s- WAIT UHHH”

Akko pauses for a second before saying “Kando Mioher Guintana” but unfortunately her concentration was broken and she uses the wrong spell, An arrow of wind wooshes past Luz, Slicing part of her outfit by a bit, Luz immediately places down a fire and ice glyph down together causing mist to form and then using the invisibility glyph to sneak up on Akko, Awhile pasts before Luz appears behind Akko and uses an ice glyph as a blunt object, The Glyph turns into a giant platform that smashes into Akko causing her to be sent flying back, Dust is kicked up everywhere as she tries to get her footing back, soon as she does she casts one more spell

Akko: “Aroasadahu Drykana!”

Suddenly a gulf of fire spews towards Luz who counters it by throwing a bunch of plant and ice glyphs to cover herself but all are pretty much destroyed, At the last second she uses stringbean and unleashes a blast that pushes the fire back, Sensing the attack Akko stops and jumps out of the way as the blast slams into where Akko was, She looks at Luz who uses a light Glyph which blinds Akko for a bit, Rubbing her eyes she looks around for her but can’t find her until a shard of ice nearly hits her from above Akko looks up to see Luz on a floating stringbean launching glyphs at her, She responds by using multiple thunderbolt spells to try and hit Luz who is able to dodge them all and uses her final ice glyph to make a ramp towards Akko who is bumped back by the ramp, She prepared to use the ring of destruction spell at the base of the ramp but suddenly a group of vines pop up and grab onto Akko’s hand who fires the spell last second, Luz not seeing the rune being casted is caught off guard but a massive fire explosion that surrounded the end of the ramp, She jumps off the slide with stringbean but Akko rips the vines away from herself and shouts “Aros Royce Tinare” causing a fire ball to smack into Luz causing an explosion, Luz is sent back and slams into one of the pillars of ice that held up the ramp, She slowly gets up with her

Akko: “Arae Aryha!”

Suddenly her wand transforms into a grappling hook which she uses to swing into the air and casts a spell above Luz, “Frostina Terikana” suddenly a meteor crashes through the sky, Akko lands on a high platform watching how Luz deals with it but Luz just uses stringbean to fly away from the incoming attack and uses a blast of magic at Akko who is able to shout “Tiomerdosh Dorhadon” in front of her allowing the black hole to suck in the attack, Suddenly Akko shouts "Sybilladura Lelladybura!" Transforming the wand into the shiny Balai allowing to fly around Luz and casting multiple shattering bolts at Luz both sliding in front of her charging a big attack

Akko: “Shyn… Freda….. TINARE!!”

Suddenly the ground below Luz explodes as massive pillars of fire engulf her causing a large explosion… Suddenly Stringbean in it’s staff form is sent flying and smacks into Akko’s face, Rubbing her nose she looks at the Palismen and starts shaking and crying

Akko: “did… no- I I didn’t mean-“

Suddenly Stringbean turns back into it’s regular form and flies towards Luz, Akko looks at her to see a giant orb of swirling purple energy surrounding the explosion area before exploding soon as Stringbean enters it revealing Luz to be in her titan form

Luz: “Couldn’t keep me away from surv- no wait… Here I am! No I… UGH TWICE THIS HAPPENED AND I STILL CANT THINK OF A CATCH PHRASE!”

Akko wiping her tears: “TWICE?? I THOUGHT I- I…”

Luz: “No no no it’s all good though this time some random Moth lady gave me this power and something about Hooty owing her $20… Plus remember reviving staffs”

Akko: “Oh yeah… So we’re still fighting right?”

Luz: “Well yeah, Actually this reminds me of The good witch Azura part 23 the-“

Akko cutting her off: “I actually don’t know Azura… I found the plot points a little too cheesy”

Luz grips onto Stringbean angrily: “WHAT?? Well for your information the series is about a witch trying to prove herself over good deeds and not show man ship like Shiny Chariot”

Akko visibly angry: “SHINY CHARIOT ISNT A SHOWMAN SHES A COOL WITCH THAT DESERVES RESPECT!!”

Suddenly Ursala uses the blessed robes spell in a panic

Akko, Now in her white blessed robes launched an attack in a fan girl rage using the rain of icicles spell against Luz, Who flies in between all of them and runs across a single icicle before grabbing onto Stringbean and using a swipe attack to shatter the icicles, She then unleashes a blast against Akko who barley dodges them and prepares a massive spell

Akko: “Sheydor Sarana!”

Suddenly the arena and sky turns white as a massive blizzard forms around the arena, Freezing everything but Luz is quick enough to form a bubble shield around herself, the cold quickly freezing the shield as Luz struggles to keep it up

Luz: “Alright… Last one… don’t fail me now.”

Suddenly a the shield breaks as Luz forms a giant circle containing the rest of her fire glyphs and ignites it causing the a massive explosion destroying the blizzard, Luz exhausted looks down and realized she’s running out of time

Akko: “Lankabahu Jawana!”

A lightning spear strikes Luz sending her back, She looks at Akko who is clearly exhausted and smiles

Luz: “Ready to finish this little witch?!”

Akko: “Ready whenever you are good witch!”

Both get ready for a final attack with Luz gripping on Stringbean

Luz: “Aright buddy… one final attack”

Akko, closing her eyes and reaching forward: “Noctu Orfei Aude Fraetor…”

Luz charges up her attack and sighs looking at Akko with the shiny Arc

Luz: “Do not underestimate me, Akko, for I am the good witch Luz! Child of the Human Realm, student of the Demon Realm, And warrior of peace!”

Akko: “SHINY ARC!”

The two unleash their final attacks with Luz unleashing a single beam against the shiny arc, Energy around the two crackles as the shiny arc pushes through stringbeans beam but both end up exploding… Akko tries to fire a simple fire ball at Luz but fails
Luz unleashes a wave of energy that smacks the light rod out of Akko’s hands and flies above her

Luz: “NOW EAT THIS SUCKAAA!!”

The last of the titan’s magic is poured into a final attack as Luz uses stringbean and the glyphs for a blast that separated the sky causing a massive light show, Akko unfortunately is not able to escape and is caught in the attack.

Luz: “And that’s… that’s why good witch azura is… oh my god what did i…”

Luz rushes back down to the field of the fight on string bean to find a smoldering crater with Akko laying there, She rushes to Akko’s body

Luz: “Oh God no no no no I- I didn’t mean to I’m sorry I…”

Leaning over Akko’s body Luz starts crying as she reverts back to her regular form.

Suddenly green light surrounds Akko’s body as her wounds heal up and she coughs up a bit

Akko: “Oh hell… wait is this hell?”

Luz suddenly hugs her crying, Akko confused realizes what happened and just pats Luz’s back as the announcer talks about the results

KO

Mae: “Mf ran away with me $20 he owes me!”

L.O.T: “Alright so this may be a surprise but Luz genuinely had everything to win… By a bit”

Mae: “First off starting with the most obvious being their magic/hax, Luz had 4 glyphs, 7 combinations, stringbeans laser blast, and her bubble shield which brings it up into 13 which is a lot but is so small compared to Akko who has like 13 spells in a single element, Another factor for this category is the fact that all her spells have uses meaning she gets both quality and quantity with her spells, Though Luz’s magic is infinite thanks to stringbean and being able to make glyphs on everything (how did she make mustard art??) while Akko’s is limited due to Mana but the amount of Spells and what they can do out stats any magic Luz has, So Easy dub for Akko in Hax”

L.O.T: “But not Power, As since this is a magical based fight we won’t be scaling their physical strength but their strength in magic which Luz genuinely takes, the most scale Akko has is her meteor’s “black hole” and the moon feat so let’s go over those, First off the meteor shown in the game is around the size of Akko in height and weight and the explosion is the same as say an artillery round and the black hole is stated to be a simulated black hole to attract enemies which just sucks things up and drags them closer while dealing some damage so it’s not an actual black hole meaning it’s feats of a real black hole are null but yeah the moon feat is Akko’s straight up best feat in this category which is still not enough to beat Luz in her titan form as remember the collector states that the titan is even stronger than him and what did the collector do? Move the moon, Even if we low ball the amount of power Luz gets in this form Akko, Even comparing them Luz’s moon power output from the moon moving would be in the Yottatons while Akko is in Pentatons meaning Luz takes power”

L.O.T: “But Durability was a little more tricky to figure out as both showed off superhuman levels of durability like being thrown around, Breaking wood with just their bodies and Luz being seemingly stronger than an average 14 year old thanks to her time in the boiling isles and seemingly got a lot stronger but Akko just had more survival feats that helped out with durability thanks to her clumsiness falling off her broom all the time not to mention surviving blasts from magic probably help out in this category So Akko just narrowly takes Durability”

Mae: “Now who was faster was more interesting as both shown off insane speed feats like Akko keeping up with shooting star but it should be stated that the broom at the time didn’t travel that fast when Akko got it, She just launched herself out of a cannon and the shooting star really isn’t part of her arsenal so it’s disingenuous to say she can travel the world in 8.2 seconds while Luz is able to move fast enough to keep with and surpass witches who can react to the light Glyphs and move fast enough to break through the clouds but Akko while on shiny rod was able to dodge icbms moving at 15,000 mph while Luz’s top speed is faster than a Rocket leaving orbit which would be 25,000 Mph so thanks to Luz winning in both reaction speed and movement speed she wins Speed”

L.O.T: “But experience is another field as Luz fought Belos for around a year at 14 years old while Akko trained basically every day to be a witch since she was 7 and is now 16 even with the timeskip Luz doesn’t win this category as it was stated that she spent the entire time going to school and helping rebuild the isles without her glyphs due to only now getting King’s magic, And not having a reason to keep training her skills Akko would take experience”

Mae: “And in terms of Intelligence turns out Luz only going to school for longer made her more smarter, In both how magic works, a battle iq, creativity with her glyphs and even figuring out how Glyphs in general work while Akko is a little less intelligent not dumb but compared to Luz she’s not winning in intelligence especially with the time skip buff where she studied for four years and helped with rebuilding where she accepted for college not to mention her creativity with her glyphs being extremely impressive especially for a 14 year old so Luz sweeps intelligence”

L.O.T: “And with the pattern Akko should take Skill right? Well Akko’s best fight skill is fighting the noir dragon, The enchanted parade demon which was able to overpower most of the witches and some other threats while Luz has gone up against Belos, The collector, Kiki… Minus that one, Lilith, Fought a 1v1 against Eda, survived across the boiling isles and won in the Bonesborough brawl but also a lot of fighting feats with Akko had to do with other people while Luz had ton of feats that were essentially by herself, Her friends were just there, Like how some spells are locked behind needing help from her friends like Luna Lana or Shiny Ballista, And since Luz has had more fights against much more tougher foes like the collector who again moon moving feat or Belos who at his peak could rival the collector, Luz takes skill”

Mae: “But something that’s extremely important is their stamina, What would run out first, Akko’s mana reserves or Luz’s titan form? Well both, Yeah it’s shockingly a tie as Luz’s biggest drawback in her most powerful form is her time limit while Akko’s biggest drawback is her mana reserves, As Akko’s mana reserves last longer but would be drained faster and with how Luz wouldn’t be in her titan form till mid match meant Akko’s mana and Luz’s titan form would be at the same time not to mention some spells would drain mana faster so it’s genuinely a toss up in terms of Stamina, Either way the verdict has been made”

L.O.T: It was a close match with multiple categories being fairly similar but it wasn’t enough for Akko as she was a tough opponent being able to dish out heavy spells, Tank hits from some of Luz’s attacks but it wasn’t enough thanks to Luz’s Speed, Superior intellect, Power and fighting skills she was able to outshine the little witches light”

Mae: “The winner is Luz Noceda”

Next time: HEIR TO THE SKIES

Chapter Text

L.O.T: “We’ve covered kings and queens, Visited land and sea but tonight we soar above and cover the ruthless royalties that rule the skies and above”

Mae: “Rayquaza, The earth’s protector from Pokemon”

L.O.T: “And Bahamut, The skies king of Final Fantasy”

Mae: “The hosts Mae alongside L.O.T. And it’s our job to figure out who would in a battle to the death

Rayquaza, The sky high pokemon:

Mae: “In the land, sea and skies Pokemon all roam freely and happily but it’s only thanks to the protectors that keep the world in check like the swords of justice on the land, Lugia in the sea and Ho-Oh in the sky but have you ever wondered just who protects the earth? Well look no further to the protector of the Pokemon world, Rayquaza”

L.O.T: “Yeah despite being called the sky protector, This green noodle God actually acts more so as the earth’s protector making sure Alien’s or more specifically Deoxys doesn’t come near the ozone layer and also keeping Kyorge and Groundon in check so they don’t accidentally destroy the planet when they wake up”

Mae: “Rayquaza’s essentially a natural defence system in this regard as Groundon and Kyorge will either dry up the entire planet or flood it if left to their own devices, And we covered a few regular Pokemon but never delved deep into the legendaries minus Necrozma and Yvetal and trust us Rayquaza’s far more powerful then both and Necrozma ate an entire infinite multiverses supply of light (as stated in Interceptor vs Flowey) Rayquaza’s gone toe to toe with the big dogs like creation trio who also effected entire infinite multiverses”

L.O.T: “Yeah Pokemon Journeys was insane, In journey’s episode 90 Palkia and Dialga were destroying the entire multiverse due to team rocket shinanigens, Like when we say the multiverse we mean the multiverse ever since the 3DS era Pokemon has been in a multiverse craze and turns out Arceus created an infinite spanning multiverse that everything takes place in, So yes Pokemon Snap is technically canon in some regard as every game, every save file, every side adventure, manga, anime, etc is a new universe and considering the fact there’s a minimum of 480 million universes due to the franchise sales not accounting for separate save files and the other stuff like anime and manga yeah that’s a lot and Dialga and Palkia destabilized the entirety of it and thanks to… oh god”

Mae: “at least it gave us one thing… thanks to ugh… the movie Hoopa and the clash of ages Rayquaza was able to generate a storm able to withstand the full front of their attacks plus hoopa, Kyorge, Groudon and… Kyreum not to mention beating them in fights and again, Giratina was able to create the dimension world which should follow in accordance of the infinite multiverse rule, Jesus what does Rayquaza eat??”

L.O.T: “A healthy nutritional diet of meteorite’s, So many in fact he developed an entire organ that allows him to mega evolve, Don’t ask how that works and Mae drop that rock you can’t mega evolve.”

Mae: “No fun allowed… but Mega Rayquaza is no joke having a bst of 780 beating Arceus’s bst of 720, Yeah Rayquaza has a higher base state total then a perfect avatar of God himself, If that isn’t impressive how about breaking the fucking game itself, You see in competitive pokemon you have tiers like a food chain, and at the top of it you have ubers well Mega rayquaza was so broken and so deadly it straight was banned and had to be placed in a newly made up tier all together called “Anything goes” …thank god it was a pokemon that looked cool instead of like Heatmor, Fuck Heatmor, Looking out for all you Durants love you guys”

L.O.T: “Anyways Rayquaza can survive judgment, light that burns the sky, and basically every attack including Seismic toss which is stated to be “flipping the earth” which would require 221 Ronnatons of tnt to survive”

Mae: “Does this mean my Lady bug is stronger then all of the earth’s nukes combined”

L.O.T: “Mae your lady bug can kill God and has fainted an avatar of him before I’m sure it can, Anyways onto Rayquaza’s abilities and movepool”

Mae: “Rayquaza has two abilities, Airlock which removes all the weather on the field and delta stream which gets rid of flying types weakness like ice, electric, rock and makes them deal normal amounts of damage”

L.O.T: “In terms of moves he can boost his attack and speed with dragon dance, summon twisters, hurdle rocks that can boost his stats by chance, Bite onto opponents with it’s sharp fangs, heal with rest, create hurricanes, move faster than light and just in general with extreme speed, unleash a giant plasma beam with dragon pulse, Outrage can cause confusion but deals a lot of damage, scary face can lower the speed of the opponent, icy wind can do the same and deal damage, summon meteorites with Draco Meteor, Can form claws made of hardened shadows which boost it’s critical hit chance and his biggest attacks being hyper beam and Dragon Ascent”

Mae: “Hyper beam is massive damaging attack dealing 150 bp with having a drawback as most powerful moves do, This drawback makes it so Rayquaza can’t attack next turn and has to recharge, and the big boy Rayquaza’s signature move Dragon ascent where it flies into the air and comes hurdling down, Now the animation in Oras is very unique as we can actually see that Rayquaza is going into another Galaxy or at the bare minimum another planet in under a second thanks to the stars and coming straight back into the opponent making Rayquaza one of the fastest characters we’ve covered next to the likes Metal Sonic, Shadow and Astro bot”

L.O.T: “Though with Pokemon logic Rayquaza is 4X weak to ice, 2X weak to dragon, Fairy, and rock, He also has an immunity to ground type moves, Rayquaza is an immensely powerful pokemon”

Mae: “It’s no wonder why he’s dubbed the… sky high… wait I thought he was called the sky guardian pokemon this outro doesn’t work anymore!”

Bahamut cause terror across the skies:

L.O.T: “All across Final Fantasy one being, Nay One terror is a constant threat to all”

Mae: “That threat's name is Bwahmut, Bahjamut, Bahumut? However you say it”

L.O.T: “Mae we’re in a text format our pronunciation doesn’t matter here”

Mae: “Real meta there… Anyways, by our talk you can tell there’s more then one Bahamut appearing in basically every Final Fantasy minus two so what we’ll be doing is basically getting multiple Bahamut’s and compiling them all into one Bahamut for simplicity sake, So welcome to life Cross versus Bahamut or Cvs Bahamut, I mean it makes to sense to composite or a semi comp Bahamut since that’s what we do for all Pokemon characters, Equal playing field, Though this is only limited to stuff WE (Aka I the writer) Could find and relatively confirm, Sorry Obscure 2003 European exclusive card game that gave Bahamut a multiverse level feat, I can’t find anything on you so you don’t count”

L.O.T: “So with that out of the way, Just who is Bahamut? Well big dragon due to every final fantasy taking place in another universe his origin changes a lot so… He doesn’t really have an origin all we know is just big ol dragon”

Mae: “…fuck he doesn’t have a story does he”

L.O.T: “Eh sort of, In the first game he’s an old wizard who can level up your classes, in others he’s just a summon, a spirit, A battle cat…A leaked monster for Monster hunter wilds apparently or even a DND boss, Though one thing is for certain is that he’s an absolute threat being able to match foes like Cloud strife who is able to live through attacks from Sephiroth’s supernova or Zack Fair who was able to tank Fury Bahamut’s exoflare which was able to cover entire landmasses in a similar notion to the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs, equating to planet level, Bahamut’s speed should be around planet level as well (or whatever the equivalent is) due to flying across planets in seconds, Plus standard light and lightning dodging feats as standard with characters”

Mae: “Bahamut’s arsenal of tools are no joke either obviously he can attack with his claws, can self destruct himself and thanks to being an esper he can cheat death and just straight up not die!

L.O.T: “ Eh kinda, When killed Bahamut would just revert to Magacite that looks similar to a rupee from Zelda and just wait to reform and unless attacks are directed to the soul it seems that these are practically impossible to destroy, Can buff his stats up and also debuff opponents at a moment's notice Hell he’s even got some good ol summoning like being able to summon Ifrit in VII remake despite being a summon (sometimes why is ff lore confusing) and what would a big bad final fantasy boss be without his flares, He’s got Megaflare, Giga flare, Terra flare which can wipe out entire planets same with Exo flare and most importantly Zettaflare an attack so powerful and stated to be 1000 times more powerful than exoflare the only other creature to even use this spell is… Donald. fucking. duck. You know what sure why the hell not”

L.O.T: “Eh that’s kingdom hearts that is… lemme check my notes not canon to final fantasy but still has characters from final fantasy like Cloud and Tifa… And considering every universe is canon to each other in some way, But anyways he’s also got elemental breath attacks for ice and fire, Maelstrom which creates a storm so powerful it instantly knocks the opponent down to it’s last points of heath, Thundergaga can summon massive thunderstorms”

Mae: “Any ailments will just bounce off of him, Can bypass effects like reflect, And just in case you were curious Magic in final fantasy is so strong it just bypasses literally everything from physical barriers and mental barriers, Hell he’s even able to heal himself if that doesn’t help him I don’t know what will, And of course with his insane levels of power being able to wipe out planets with ease he should have some crazy feats right L.O.T.?”

L.O.T: “Crazy feats indeed, So let’s start off with the obvious, Being able to scale up to Cloud strife, Sephiroth and Clive Rosefield who on a bad day can destroy entire planets and on good days destroy entire solar systems, or how about creating an entire pocket dimension that is large as if not larger than our own galaxy thanks to the way the final fantasy cosmology works”

Mae: “Hell even in final fantasy 5 he’s stronger then Exdeath, A evil tree infused with the void which is constant with the entire final fantasy multiverse which is infinite who’s level 77 while Bahamut is 99 but is genuinely weaker looking at his stats which sorta makes sense, Exdeath was the big bad but this also means Bahamut is on the same level as Exdeath”

L.O.T: “But don’t let that fool you as even as powerful Bahamut is he is actually quite dumb not being able to formulate strategies well and having not the best track record in fights like in Advent children when Cloud one shot and bypassed Bahamut SIN, Being a summon/bad guy will do that to you, Plus most of his iterations are just big dragon in terms of size making him slow sometimes and a big target”

Mae: “Even with that Bahamut is in a league of his own and rightfully deserves the title of best summon of Final Fantasy history.”

L.O.T: “Alright their fighting capabilities have been calculated and a verdict has been chosen”

Mae: “It’s time for Cross versus!”

(Note: Rayquaza’s shiny is not in this fight the doc has the regular form while AO3 has the shiny)

PRE FIGHT:

Above orbit, A long green reptile rests on a nearby asteroid curled up… Until it senses something, The Rayquaza looks toward the sun and sees massive wings flapping in the horizon, growling the Rayquaza uncurls itself around the asteroid and stares it down before the dragon gets to close into Earth’s atmosphere, Rayquaza then flies in front of Bahamut snarling and growling and wagging it’s tail aggressively while Bahamut just stares him down, Bahamut cracks it’s neck as it burrows it’s brows and then both let out massive roars

FIGHT:

>Rayquaza uses Dragon pulse

The blast pushes Bahamut back who retaliates with a smack that sends Rayquaza into a meteorite, The cloud of dust from the impact breaks apart as multiple rocks are flung at Bahamut which causes a orange aura to surround Rayquaza as his stats are raised up by 1 point, Suddenly Bahaumt shoots a giant beam of fire at Rayquaza who circles around it like a snake.

>Rayquaza uses dragon tail

The energized tail slams into Bahamut making him fly back into a small moon hovering above a random planet, Destroying the moon in the process, Bahamut then activates maelstrom but airlock dissipates it, Though caught off guard Bahamut is able to counter a physical attack from Rayquaza and uses Megaflare which slams Rayquaza into the small planet smashing into multiple buildings it roars in pain as concrete smashes into it’s skin but eventually Rayquaza is able to get control again and stops himself, Bahamut then slams into the city square not carrying for collateral, He tries to use Maelstrom once again but Airlock stops it, Rayquaza then is blasted mid flight by Blizzara which causes him to slam into nearby buildings, But spots a bunch of skyscrapers nearby Bahamut and slices the bottom of them with a Dragon pulse which distracts Bahamut as he smashes them apart with his claws only to be caught off guard.

> Rayquaza uses hyper beam

which causes Bahamut to bleed in his stomach as he is sent flying back across the city, A giant burning mark in his chest sizzles as he stares at Rayquaza breathing heavily

> Rayquaza needs to recharge!

He then takes his chance and uses Gigaflare which hits Rayquaza disintegrating the city landscape turning into ashes but a certain green dragon is able to barley escape the blast radius and uses hyper beam but a giant flaming hand blocks it as Ifrit is summoned out of a portal and grabs onto Rayquaza’s tail and throws him into a skyscraper, roaring as it gets back up throws it’s body into Ifrit who tumbles down

> Rayquaza used Crunch!

Rayquaza bites down onto the summoned ifrit and rips off the neck of it roaring triumphantly until he looks up and spots a second sun… strangely it’s coming closer and closer and-

> Bahamut used Terra flare!

A massive beam slams into the planet destroying everything, Cracks in the planet form as it’s pushed back from the explosion of half the planet exploding leaving a giant hole in it, Bahamut snarls and prepares to leave… Until he spots a rainbow colored symbol appear in the clouds get closer and closer until a blur of green slams into Bahamut

> Rayquaza Mega evolved! And used dragon claw

Blood splatters from Bahamut’s right eye, But also against Rayquaza’s chest as Bahamut swipes across his chest, Another slice against Bahamut this time against his jaw, Rayquaza keeps slicing his claws against Bahamut’s face but Bahamut slicings Rayquaza’s left eye causing a massive scar to appear and making Rayquaza roar in pain, He retaliates by…

> Rayquaza used Draco meteor

A bunch of meteors slam into Bahamut who catches one and slams if into Rayquaza’s face causing it to explode on impact, Bahamut then grabs onto Rayquaza’s tail and swings him around and throws him into a moon’s surface and uses Giga flare but Rayquaza is able to dodge it

> Rayquaza used Dragon dance!

Bahamut then waves a hand

> But nothing happened!

Rayquaza looks confused as his stats don’t increase, He then slams his body at Bahamut and digs his claws into Bahamut and pummel drives him into a nearby asteroid belt

> Rayquaza used Draco meteor and Ancient power!

Suddenly the Asteroid belt moves towards Bahamut who looks confused but doesn’t have time to react as he is pelted by asteroids after asteroids

> Rayquaza used Extreme speed!

Suddenly a blur of green slams into Bahamut who’s able to react, Blood splatters out of multiple ares on Bahamut as his skin is torn by multiple slices but eventually Bahamut is able to use Gigaflare and spins in a circular motion getting rid of all the asteroids and blasting Rayquaza away, Rayquaza lands right next to the second moon that orbited around the half destroyed planet and roars but before he could make the next move he notices Bahamut charging up a massive attack and before he could dodge Bahamut uses Exaflare as Bahamut’s wings detach and forms a circle in front of Bahamut he unleashes a massive blast straight towards Rayquaza who’s only chance is…

> Rayquaza used Hyper beam!

A purple and dark beam shoots out of mega rayquaza colliding with the giant beam, It struggles but eventually pushing towards the middle both give a final push before the beams create a massive explosion wiping out moons and asteroids and meanwhile on Earth the explosion is visible and creates tidal waves that swallow Sootopolis city which awakens Kyorge…

In the dust settles Rayquaza badly injured and bleeding… Suddenly a claw grabs onto Rayquaza’s neck and squeezes it and prepares a final Exaflare before Rayquaza’s body glows green and flies out of Bahamut’s grasp, Slicing off Bahamut’s hand in process

> Rayquaza used Dragon ascent!

Suddenly Rayquaza flies straight into Bahamut slicing away a leg but travels to another galaxy before coming back full force, Bahamut snarls and prepares a blast…

Meanwhile in the distance a Bright green arrows darts throughout the stars and races towards Bahamut who launches his final attack, Zettaflare, The two collide as Mega Rayquaza cuts through the beam at first but the gap gets smaller and smaller until a massive explosion that’s seen across the entire solar system is caused as Rayquaza’s caught in the epicenter of the explosion, Bahamut roars triumphantly… Until a sharp pain strikes his chest as he doesn’t have time to react from Mega Rayquaza slicing straight through his chest, Slicing him in half, Barley holding on Bahamut tries to heal and attack but Rayquaza out speeds him and

> Rayquaza used Dragon claw!

The claws of Rayquaza dig deep into the back of Bahamut’s neck as Rayquaza gives a final push and rips it off with a massive roar

> Rayquaza used Dragon Ascent

Sensing the enemy wasn’t dead The Mega Rayquaza slices straight into Bahamut and cutting the Magicite in half in the process… And finally the noise is gone as Bahamut’s remains disintegrate into nothing, Rayquaza let’s off a massive victorious roar that’s suddenly cut off as the wounds are too much to bear…

> The wild Rayquaza fainted!

KO

CONCLUSION:

Mae: “…”

L.O.T: “…only took 25 episodes for a solar system to become collateral damage”

Mae: “Alright so let’s start with the obvious, If Bahamut had all these powers how did he loose? Well let’s start with some info, Bahamut’s soul could indeed be killed thanks to Spiritomb, A Pokémon said to and confirmed to be made of 108 evil spirits and considering Rayquaza can harm and over power the vessel with immense ease especially with moves like shadow claw and considering the typing for Magacite would be Ghost/Rock or Ghost/Psychic and even then a move like dragon ascent would be able to destroy it thanks to hit being able to knock out spiritomb so this means Bahamut’s spirit would have no issues being destroyed especially thanks to the fact he can’t attack in this form, And since Rayquaza could sense foes like Deoxys, giratina and just generally out of the ordinary pokemon it doesn’t help Bahamut there as well”

L.O.T: “With that out of the way we’ll start with AP and yeah Bahamut wins this category with ease I mean like yeah Rayquaza has some powerful moves but nothing on the scale of destroying entire planets with ease, Rayquaza’s most powerful attack would damage Bahamut a lot but not on the scale of multiple continental, moon, and planet level destruction”

Mae: “Yeah sadly Rayquaza and Pokemon in general don’t have moves that are in that league of power, Bahamut takes AP”

L.O.T: “But what was more surprising and interesting is power, Bahamut could scale to around Exdeath who was able to harness the power of an entire infinite multiverse but Rayquaza has been able to overpower Dialga and Palkia who basically did the same thing, Is stronger than Necrozma who ate an entire infinite multiverses supply of light in the manga, Smacked Giratina who made the distortion world, an entire reality and again thanks to the whole every new adventure wherever it be the anime, manga, games side story is a new entire universe”

Mae: “And if that’s not enough he fucking out stats GOD, Well more so the perfect avatar of God that has created another infinite multiverse… Jesus Christ, Even if we highball the amount of multiverses in FF Pokemon has so much more and thanks to the fact twitch plays pokemon was acknowledged you can debate that roms and emulated games factor into the amount but we don’t really think so, Rayquaza takes attack”

L.O.T: “But what is attack without defence, Durability is a major factor on wherever a combatant can tank hits and while Bahamut is impressive, Again Mega Rayquaza is able to tank hits from an entire multiverse powered explosion thanks to the light that burns the sky’s Z-Move and dwarf star level seismic tosses while Bahamut’s best durability feat is being able to survive supernova attacks from the likes of Sephiroth due to scaling with Cloud”

Mae: “Though it’s tricky due to Bahamut having better AP and a more tanky design more times than not Rayquaza would be able to survive said hits, Rayquaza takes Durability, But what about Hax? Well look here. Bahamut had more hax just in general not in case of helping himself like buffing himself up but also shutting himself down, Plus the help of summons would be able to secure the category for him”

L.O.T: “Thanks to the fact Rayquaza couldn’t buff himself up due to Bahamut’s hax nor could land any secondary effects like burn meant Rayquaza was gonna work a lot harder for his win, And with the final category he found his calling, Rayquaza’s speed is absolutely insane being able to move faster then dimensional travelers, Mega Latias and Latios, and keeping up with speed form Deoxys despite a huge stat gap”

Mae: “While Bahamut could travel at the same time like across planets, So could Deoxys plus ofc standard light, laser, sound dodging feats but more importantly like in Edelgard vs Kylo ren one factor to the speed feat is design, Bahamut is way more bulkier and less aerodynamic while Rayquaza is able to zig zag like crazy plus Dragon ascent where according to the animation in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire travels across a galaxy in just under a second putting Bahamut’s speed in the gutter compared to Rayquaza”

L.O.T: “Bahamut was an insanely strong foe being able to counter a lot of Rayquaza’s moves but thanks to Rayquaza’s speed, attack, durability and overall thinking he was able to airlock Bahamut out of a win”

Mae: “THE WINNER IS RAYQUAZA”

Next time on Cross versus:

Ganondorf vs Sauron

Chapter Text

Mae: “Fairy tales are old as time and in them you have the noble hero from a small town rising to the top thanks to their pure heart”

L.O.T: “But with good also comes absolute pure evil villains who see nothing but to destroy the entire world or conquer with their immense power.”

Mae: “Like Ganondorf, The Male Gerudo king of evil from the legend of zelda”

L.O.T: “And Sauron, The creator of the one ring and bringer of doom from Lord of the rings.”

Mae: “My names Mae, He’s L.O.T. and it’s our job to figure who would win in a fight to the death

…i know we’re 26 episodes into this series L.O.T. But we really gotta find a catchier and less knock off version of death battles cut in”

Ganondorf, Great king of evil:

L.O.T: “In the land of Hyrule many races and species thrive and have their own unique cultures, Like the Hylian’s which the land is based off of, The Goron’s in the mountains who eat rocks, Rito’s who soar above the sky or how about the Zora who swim across the many types of bodies of water”

Mae: “Though there is another species, That being the Gerudo a race of strong female humanoids who thrive in the desert, But despite their culture being all females there is one rule, Once every 100 years a male will be born and rule as king”

L.O.T: “Well turns out the Gerudo gave way to the one king of evil, The scourge of Hyrule and wielder of the triforce of power, Ganondorf.”

(Note: Now there has been many, MANY different versions of Ganondorf so we’ll be focusing on main games and some side guys, Though nothing like Super smash bros just Zelda titles but we’ll be using his moves from smash as references because they’re cool)

Mae: “But unlike the regular Gerudo’s Ganondorf was… something else he was part of a prophecy that showed the wielder of the tri force of Wisdom who would later become Zelda, The tri force of Courage Link and he who wielded the tri force of power which as it’s name implies is more powerful than the others and considering the being inside it has made the earth we can equate that to how much power it can give off”

L.O.T: “Even without the triforce of power Ganondorf would set out hus master plan in conquering Hyrule, Until he died and died and died and oh hey he won that time and died and- Yeah you get the point Link has basically always won against the great king of evil”

Mae: “Though it wouldn’t be easy as Ganondorf would send his troops after the boy in green skirt, You sure I can’t make a trans analogy here? I mean come on it’s Link!”

L.O.T: “We already talked too much about head canons especially considering we talked about Luz Noceda so… Anyway Links journey against Ganondorf wouldn’t be easy as Ganondorf has some insane feats of weaponry like his dark magic where he can use his dark magic to create electric orb like projectiles, can just fly with it and teleport, Can create force fields, Mind control, possession and necromancy and duplicate, create clones, Can create fire balls and throw them at opponents”

Mae: “He can also cast lightning strikes upon foes but not any Lightning strikes but Dark and spooky and fucked up lightning because he’s the great king of evil after all, can wield dark magic around him like a gauntlet and using it to deliver devastating blows that would either knock the wind out of a normal human or just straight up blow their top half up with warlock fist preform wizard foot where he just foot dives at foes can summon fire and lightning around his hands when choking someone or his iconic”

L.O.T: “Or how about Darkness technique where”

Mae: “Wait wait… IS GANONDORF A FUCKING JJK SORCERER?!”

L.O.T. Just shrugs: “Anyways his Darkness Technique covers the entire area in darkness making him invisible and untouchable at least until it’s lighten up again, Create waves of dark energy that paralyze opponents, Trap you in crystal, Can summon ghost rider hor-

Mae: “HE CAN SUMMON GHOST RIDER?!”

L.O.T: “WOULD YOU SHUT UP”

Mae: :(

L.O.T: “i swear im babysitting a god… demi god? Moth I don’t know or care anymore. anyways he can summon spectral beings riding horses, He can change his size and enter… And Mae it sounds like a reference to something but it isn’t, The Twilight zone….

Okay good, Anyway he’s able create giant zones that essentially steal the souls of anything living and anything monstrous become stronger and your standard healing magic, He’s got some swords if needed as well like his twin Katanas, a trident, the sword of the six ages which is a sword of pure light crafted by… well you can guess who made it, and his newest sword The gloom blade which deals a whopping 41 points of damage compared to the master swords 30 which can destroy magical barriers”

Mae: “Or even go into his more powerful form Ganon… Just Ganon. Big ol pig man who wields two twin blades and in this form his power is boosted by well a lot without sacrificing anything like intelligence or sight, He’s also withstanded a castle crushing him! This one according to deathbattle was worth around 11,007 tons of tnt and another castle exploded on top of him which was 1.91 kilotons of TNT! Equivalent of a small nuclear bomb He’s affected the very moon itself and even dodged light arrows at point blank putting him at around FTL and survived a sword designed to specifically kill him being lodged into his skull and lived!”

L.O.T: “He can also rip off the jewel on his head and eat it”

Mae: “I know a bunch of people who wanna eat that jewel”

L.O.T: “One of those people don’t count because I know that’s you”

Mae: “True but after eating said Jewel he can turn his body into an ethereal dragon which cannot be killed by any normal means you gotta hit his gross weakspots on his head and good luck as touching the gloom dragon will drain your life force away faster than a night at Chillies”

L.O.T: “you’ve never been too chillies what kind of analogy is that- Nevermind that, But even taking this into consideration is kinda tricky as Ganondorf states by doing this he sacrificed his body and mind essentially killing via vs rules but more importantly this dragon form doesn’t really have any feats compared to the pig ganon form so we’ll be using Pig ganon as it’s his best and strongest form. But for all his strength he does have a few weaknesses like since he couldn’t get the triforce it meant he lacked both courage and wisdom, Also he’s a little arrogant despite dying 5000 times”

Mae: “And while Ganondorf has only died to the mastersword Holy weapons are not the only way to kill him but is the quickest way, Think of it like Magic and Superman, Either way Ganondorf is one tough motherfucker to kill so it’s no wonder why he’s earned the title of great king of evil…

FUCK I DIDNT MAKE A SINGLE GREAT KING OF EVIL JOKE, WHY DOES THIS KEEPS HAPPENING”

Sauron Rules all with the one ring:

Mae: “Ah middle earth a land full of magic and wonder, Beautiful birds fly across the sky, children roam free happily and Elijah woods isn’t it all so… dreadful.”

L.O.T: “Now fire, lava and orcs? That’s where it’s at baby, Now buckle up because Sauron’s backstory is a confusing one”

Cut to Mae in a lab coat with a large chalkboard looking stressed

Mae: “Okay okay I swear this all makes sense just let me simplify it… okay so Eru and Inor created the world unfortunately for them an angel would be evil and fucked up, His name was Melkor and before you ask, “I thought we were talking about Sauron not Melkor” WE’LL GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE! So Melkor decided it’d be funny and gave us diseases, hate and all that so welcome to probably the first Homophobic character on Cross versus and then he took up a new name Morogath and decided to lead a small rebellion in an act of “fuck you dad it’s not a phase!!” Gaining multiple followers including Myron who went under the same hateful and disgusting name change and became Sauron. Sauron would spend thousands of years acting as a general in the evil army destroying middle earth’s civilization until a group of disgusting mortals rose up and attacked Morogath eventually winning but Sauron saw it coming and dipped faster than my dad at birth, That’s to say instantly because my dad is also my mom and a fucking tree. But unlike my dad he actually came back 100 years later where he would use his cunning to trick the elven smiths in creating 19 rings and given to every leader of mortal kind, but they were all tricked as for Sauron made a 20th ring in secret, One ring to rule them all, Sometime later another big fight would happen where Sauron’s fingers would be chopped off and the one ring would fall into the hands of humanity… But instead of destroying it the ring corrupted the wielder and took it for himself until he was shot and lost the ring in a river…”

Mae collapses to the ground exhausted while L.O.T. Just stares confused

L.O.T: “We really need to talk about your parental issues… but thanks to Sauron’s cunning he would eventually get it back, Hell Sauron is a master of deception tricking most of Middle Earth and Again tricking all 19 kings and ruling them over but another factor we gotta equate is the one ring, This rings power is nothing to scoff at”

Mae: “It can make you turn invisible, enhance every natural ability especially Strength considering it allows Sauron to mow down entire armies of men and erupt Mount Doom which in order to erupt a volcano would need an output of 7 megatons of TNT! Nearly the same amount as the mother of all bombs, This ring also has a neat defence mechanism in that it cannot be naturally destroyed as it needs to be plunged into mount doom but that’s boring in a vs format but nothing less of 479 gigatons of tnt thanks to the fact that not even Ancalagon was be able to destroy it considering the fact he leveled entire mountains mean if the best swords and axes shatter upon impact than nothing less then a miracle can destroy it”

L.O.T: “There’s also the part where it’s main ability comes into play, It’s mental domination, The ring whispers sweet caroline into your eyes making you obey it, want it, I mean why would you want to destroy a ring that can give you absolute power.”

Mae: “Makes sense as if the ring is gone so is Sauron, But fun fact no man or monster has been able to willingly destroy the ring as stated by J.R.T Toliken that Eru actually had to intervene at mount doom by pushing Gollum into the volcano, Yes that Eru who created the entire universe was the reason why Gollum fell, This means if it wasn’t for God’s intervention Sauron would’ve won and corrupted the heart and mind of Elijah woods, That’s how strong it’s mental domination is.”

L.O.T: “He’s also controlled the entirety of Numenor which thanks to Dr. Stephen Wigmore would have a population of around 18 million men and women though this did cause yet another intervention by Eru who sank the entire island while Sauron was on it and just shrugged it off, After all it was an Osse a lesser and weaker angel then Sauron who raised the entire island which would need around 4 quadrillion tons of energy!”

Mae: “He can teleport, shape his body into anything and even if his body is damaged he can just get rid of his body like nothing as it’s not truly Sauron that giant floating flaming eye is, Which thank God”

L.O.T: “Wait why are you glad about that?”

Mae: “Imagine if it was a realistic human eye Nooooo thank you”

L.O.T: “Ah true… He’s fought at mach and hypersonic speeds, defeated Gandalf who was able to fight 10 days straight and beat Saruman who was basically destined to beat Sauron until he got corrupted by big eye man”

Mae: “And even though he has some massive arsenal his biggest flaw is himself, He can be sort of arrogant if he sees you not actually as a threat and again if you cut off the finger containing the one ring his physical form is basically good as gone”

L.O.T: “Hell it was because of his god complex that eventually led to his defeat by the hands of you guessed it the people of middle earth though there was one group of people he underestimated… The hobbits and thank to them and a divine intervention from Eru the one ring was plunged into Mount Doom”

Mae: “Along with Gollum thankfully until he returned in 2023 with that awful video game nobody asked for but if you ask anyone who lives in the shire what happened that day they’ll say that pure evil was finally defeated by the people of middle earth, It maybe safe now but who knows maybe in a 100 years Sauron will return like he did once before and cause havoc and despair over the entirety of Middle Earth.”

L.O.T: “Alright their fighting capabilities have been calculated and a verdict has been chosen”

Mae: “It’s time for Cross versus!”

PRE FIGHT:

Inside a castle sat on top of a large mountain organ music can be heard as Ganondorf plays to his heart’s content until the main door opens

Ganondorf: “You better have a good reason to disturb me Moblin.”

But a voice speaks out, A tall white elf in pure white robes walks towards him

???: “I am no Moblin, But great king of hyrule I do offer a gift, A ring finely crafted from the best blacksmiths around. A token, a gift just for you”

Ganondorf scoffs before blasting him away with a bolt of lightning: “I need no gifts nor a useless ring.”

The dust settles as the white elf’s body melts into lava as it forms into a black mass, Ganondorf looks confused as Sauron forms his physical body and looks at Ganondorf

Sauron: “If your kingdom won’t be ruled by me then I shall burn it down.”

Sauron clenches his hand and pulls out his mace while Ganondorf laughs as he cracks his knuckles and pulls out his twin blades

Ganondorf: “You are welcome to try but know you will fall.”

FIGHT:

Ganondorf leaps at Sauron and clashes with one of his baldes onto his mace and tried to stab him with the second but Sauron grabs onto it and shatters it

Sauron: “So powerful… Yet you will never see the height of your true power”

His voice is gravely as he activates the one ring and slams his mace into Ganondorf's other blade shattering it on impact, The strike is so strong it sends Ganondorf crashing back into his organ piano, He grunts but smiles and laughs

Ganondorf: “Power?! Oh you sweet thing Nobody has more power than me. NOBODY!”

Ganondorf raises his hand and blasts a volley of electric orbs at Sauron who deflects and smashes them away until Ganondorf rushes him and uses warlock fist pushing Sauron through a pillar destroying it instantly, Ganondorf prepares another attack as he hears bones cracking then a wolf comes out from the destroyed pillar and latches onto Ganondorf’s hand

Ganondorf: “Ugh Get off me Mutt!”

Sauron then transforms back before Ganondorf could attack him and slams the mace against Ganondorf’s face, Blood drips down from his nose, Wiping it Ganondorf pulls out the gloom blade

Ganondorf: “You know… You would make a fine general in my army, Why don’t we put our weapons down, You bow to me and we go on with our day, What’d you say”

Sauron: “I bow to no one”

Suddenly Ganondorf’s mind is filled by a giant fiery eye he screams and holds his head before coming to senses and seeing Sauron rushing at him and able to block a strike the last second and clenches his fists on his blade

Ganondorf: “Ohoho. You want power?! THEN TAKE IT”

Ganondorf grabs tight onto his sword and headbutts Sauron and delivers a strike at his chest and another slice and another but Sauron blocks the fifth attack by smacking the Gloom sword away, It flies away and gets stuck inside a pillar

Sauron: “No more playthings.”

Sauron grabs onto Ganondorf’s shoulders and headbutts him harder and then activates the one ring to boost his next attack and slams Ganon into the air, blood splatters but Ganondorf recovers mid air and foot dives into him, Before Sauron can recover Ganondorf grabs onto Sauron and suplexes him and slams the sixth sage sword Sauron’s chest and sighs

Ganondorf: “And you thought you had more power than me? Pathetic to even think we were in the same league”

As Ganondorf walks away he hears the sound of metal moving as Sauron gets up and pulls the sword out of his chest

Sauron: “Yet I still stand. You can be all powerful if you ju-“

Sauron is cut off by a warlock punch sending him crashing into his organ piano shattering it on impact

Ganondorf: “Like I said before. Offer refused”

Sauron: “So be it…”

Sauron suddenly appears behind Ganondorf but Ganondorf slams his fist into him but nothing happens, Sauron just turns into a dark cloud, the same thing happens again and again, Ganondorf is eventually able to grab the sword of the sixth sage and Gloom bade

Sauron: “Is this all you have great king of evil? Take the ring and you’ll be so much more I promise, You know I’m right you can feel it can’t you”

Ganondorf’s heart pumps faster as he sweats: “I have all the power I need!”

The triforce of power glows as he says it

Ganondorf: “But I’ll gladly take it off your corpse!”

Sauron laughs as he suddenly jumps from atop Ganondorf who manages to dodge the mace and slices Sauron’s mask and kicks him back

Ganondorf: “No man shall survive My Power!”

Suddenly Ganondorf activates Twilight zone, the area is covered in darkness, Ganondorf smiles and laughs at Sauron

Sauron: “I am beyond lowly men”

A blazing eye rapidly flashes in Ganondorf’s mind as Sauron holds the one ring up

Sauron: “And I am far beyond you”

Suddenly the ground begins to rumble as a blaze of fire surrounds Sauron destroying the twilight zone but suddenly the castle blows up as the volcano it was built on erupts sending chunks flying everywhere, Lava spews onto the ground as Ganondorf is sent crashing into the courtyard’s bridge which is shaking due to the explosion, He looks up and sees Sauron appearing before him dragging his mace on the ground

Sauron: “You only delay the inevitable.”

Ganondorf gets up and quickly strikes at Sauron both blades slice into the dark lord, As Sauron tries to attack Ganondrof perfectly blocks each attempting until driving the blades into Sauron’s chest who attempts to grab onto Ganondorf’s hands but is sent back by a warlock fist, Sauron looks up and see’s Ganondorf leaping into the air but Sauron dodges it and uses a power boost from the Ring and smashes the gloom sword, The hilt is sent falling down the bridge

Sauron: “Enough.”

Another attempt is made but Sauron just grabs onto the sixth sage sword, stealing it and smacking Ganondorf away with his mace again Ganondorf’s body is sent into a pillar, But then the sixth sage sword is sent flying at him, It pierces the chest of Ganondorf as he screams in agony, He looks as Sauron steps on top of him, But before anything else happens the triforce glows as he grows twice his size into a giant boar wielding a trident

Ganon: “YOU WANTED TRUE POWER WELL HERE IT IS”

Suddenly the trident slams into Sauron’s chest and is quickly removed as Ganon grabs onto Sauron, Roaring in his face, Suddenly lava rain drizzles down as the volcano starts erupting again, Lava flows down below the bridge, Ganon slams Sauron into the ground and prepares to rip apart as dark magic seeps around by Sauron directs a fire ball from the volcano at Ganon freeing him from his grasp, He then is impaled by one of Ganon's tusk and slammed into the bridge

Ganon: “You took away my kingdom, No I take away your precious”

Ganon reaches for the one ring, barely resisting the urge to pull away but unknown to Ganon Sauron is able to direct another fireball but causes it to slam into the bridge causing it to explode, The two are sent toppling down, Sauron breaks free by snapping off the tusk that impaled him, Ganon screams as he grabs onto Sauron, And using all his dark magic and might squishes the dark lord, As he is falling he hears a laugh as a giant floating eyeball appears as Sauron drops down swinging his mace, Ganon tries to block it with his two large blades but both are shattered as Sauron pounces Ganon tumbling down, Ganon tries to reach for the trident but it’s just kicked away, Ganon tries to squish Sauron but he holds onto the one ring, Metal creaking noises can be heard but Sauron grabs a hold of the hand the triforce is on and the ring glows

Sauron: “There will be nothing left of you but Ash!.”

Suddenly Sauron crushes the arm and causes a tornado of fire to strike both of them but also at the last time Ganon activates the triforce of power causing an explosion that causes Ganondorf’s body to land on a rock just floating above the lava, His Trident splashes down next to him, heavily breathing he gets up clenching his destroyed arm

Ganondorf: “And you said I’d be ash… BUT IM STILL STANDIN-nng”

Ganondorf’s speech is garbled at the end s his stomach bursts open as Sauron forms behind him digging his hand into his guts

Sauron: “That was your true power? I’ve seen regular men do better. Now die like the pig you are”

The ring glows inside Ganondorf as a burst of energy causes Ganondorf to scream as the top half of his body explodes, Sauron just stares for a few seconds as blood drips down onto him and splashing him before leaving the scene and raising a tower where Ganondorf’s castle laid

KO!

Mae: “Wait I thought Ganondorf would be able to destroy the one ring?”

L.O.T: “You’d technically be correct as the triforce of power does contain Din who was able to create the planet so at least in terms of power Ganondorf might’ve been able to land a blow”

Mae: “But that’s IF he could and as you can tell the answer was no as if you remember the one rings defence being able to influence anyone and Ganondorf has shown to never really be that all mentally sound, He is not stupid but there’s nothing at all suggesting he would be able to handle Sauron’s ability not to mention that Eru was the reason why the ring was able to be destroyed it would not be destroyed willingly but let’s talk stats”

L.O.T: “First off is speed and Ganondorf should take this pretty evenly as he’s comparable on the speed of light while Sauron is only Mach 30 not much else to really say here so let’s go over Durability”

Mae: “So in terms of Durability Ganondorf’s best feat is surviving a 2 Kiloton explosion, Nothing to scoff at but Sauron was able to survive an island being destroyed worth around 4 quadrillion tons of TNT!”

L.O.T: “But even if Ganondorf was able to survive something like it there is always the problem of Sauron’s Physical body as remember he is a spiritual being so once his old body wore out he can just make a new one while Ganondorf would be weakened so Point to Sauron”

Mae: “But what about power? Well Ganondorf actually held his own being able to wield the triforce of power which at a highball is planet level but that’s the thing Highballing it, Ganondorf only holds a FRACTION of it’s power while Sauron had that whole Mount doom explosion which was around 7 megatons of tnt! Which was also far greater then Ganondorf’s Durability”

L.O.T: “So Sauron takes power if we assume the fraction of the tri force isn’t outputting at least 7 megatons but Ganondorf wins if we highball it, It honestly gets really confusing so best way to figure it out is with a draw, But power isn’t everything we still got experience, And yeah Sauron got this easily”

Mae: “So if Ganondorf is born every 100 years and every game takes place as so then we can equate it’s franchise number with how many years he’s been reborn which is 2,900 years Impressive but not the 50,000+ years of experience Sauron has”

L.O.T: “And it’s not like Sauron was doing shit all in those years he was scheming and planning, Conquering and killing he was active for all of that so no matter what even if times it by Ten Ganondorf still doesn’t have the experience to come out on top but what about Hax? Well it’s complicated”

Mae: “Yeah Ganondorf had magic and another form while Sauron had magic and the rings whole deal but Sauron come on top thanks to the fact his existence countered a lot of Ganondorf’s magic like Gloom not really affecting him, Twilight zone couldn’t hurt him in fact it would just boost him but could also be destroyed thanks to fact Sauron’s entire deal is fire, so Twilight zone would be shattered”

Mae: “While Ganondorf was tough and had the speed advantage and power to match Sauron, He came up short thanks to Sauron’s experience, Hax, durability and the one ring made sure he was eating cooked pork chops that night, Am I right lads or am I right lads”

A tiny lego minifigure runs up from out of nowhere and just says “You are right lad!” And runs off

L.O.T: “…who what was-“

Mae: “Don’t worry about it”

L.O.T: “…okay… then?

THE WINNER IS SAURON”

Chapter Text

L.O.T: “Sadly War is inevitable, And when It does happen it causes wounds and scars”

Mae: “But what if those wounds and scars could heal or at least be covered? Or just monopolized”

L.O.T: “Like Armstrong, The Nanomachined Senator from Metal gear”

Mae: “Or Agent Venom, The Symbiotic agent of the united states from Marvel”

Mae: “My name is Mae and this is L.O.T. and it’s our job to figure out who would win between these two fighters.”

————————
Analysis started.
————————

Armstrong, Too many funny lines to make a joke here:

Mae: “Oh finally we get to make fun of politics and American politics at that! So I have a question for you at home. Do you hate those old, crusty and ancient politicians driving the country into the ground? Well considering the audience of this series your answer is yes otherwise get the fuck out, But what about Politcians who are too afraid or lazy to get anything done? Or what about Presidents who write their own speeches? Don’t like them well we have the perfect candidate for you, His name is Senator Armstrong, A man who takes no shit talk from anyone, A man who wants to make America great ag- oh… oh no nevermind”

L.O.T: “Yeah turns out a man high on American spirit isn’t all there in the head probably because of the nano machines but hey is anyone? Senator Steven Armstrong was born in America in the good ol state of Texas where he would join a cushy ivy league school’s football team and actually could’ve gone pro if he never joined the navy which turned out to be a disappointment for him as in his time in the Navy he never saw live combat, So when he headed back to the states he set his dream into motion in order to prove to the world of his metal (gear rising revengence) in the form of politics and war economy by kick starting a war with Pakistan, He eventually joined in and ran for senator in Colorado and had an idea”

Mae: “He thought to himself, “Wait Americans will just believe anything” At least eventually and the worst part is that he was right, And came into power as Senator in 2016 where his main point of interest was halving the states of budget in half which would privatize the police which have the effect of a company that Armstrong was the CEO of buying them out… and ran for presidency for 2020 and would probably win if it wasn’t for a story beat later on, But Armstrong wasn’t in it for love and peace, Nah he was in it for Money, Power and The American citizens that can survive but with war comes bat shit insane tech like recruiting Jetstream Sam who has one of coolest swords ever which is actually one of the only weapons that could hurt him being the Murasama which can cut through high tech metal like butter, Hell a weaker version of the sword was able to cut through a metal gear Ray, Which would’ve required 100 kilotons of TNT, And said sword was basically ineffective against Armstrongs nano machines and like a president he was able to snap it in two with his bare hands”

L.O.T: “But who needs bare hands when you got a giant ass mech called Excelsus which is basically a giant walking tank made to survive nuclear warheads, It’s got missiles, giant feet to step on you with, Giant Plasma cannons and 2 massive swords, And like the good Doktor said, It’s pretty much overkill being able to destroy entire city blocks thanks to being similar to Metal gear Ray but like crack”

Mae: “It can even deploy small units called Gekko’s which aren’t much but hey more the merrier am I right? Though it would be destroyed by Raiden slamming its own sword onto it but Armstrong easily survived it, and would become a much more dangerous foe after leaving the mech to confront Raiden and talk about politics while beating the shit out of him, Despite not writing his own speeches he’s a very good talker”

L.O.T: “You sure people aren’t gonna get annoyed by the constant references to metal gear?”

Mae: “Eh probably will be the game is too much of a shitpost especially with Armstrong to ever let chances like these go”

L.O.T: “But on the topic of Nanomachines son they Harden The body in response to physical trauma They’ve also allowed him to do some crazy shit like Blocking attacks that’d usually kill an average human or straight up being able to fix up wounds like a sliced off arm from the previously mentioned Murasama, Send people flying, have a random cheering sound effect play, Throw giant mech parts around, Tanked a shit ton of hits from Raiden rapidly punching him at what might be the speed of lightning aka 270,000 MPH due to the fact lightning is coming off of the hits but this isn’t really an official feat, He’s also punched the ground so hard that lava just spewed out, And going back to check he’s literally punching Magma from the earth’s crust up towards Raiden or is he? Well during his fight with Sam he pulled the EXACT same move against Raiden but considering the attack happened on top of a building and it didn’t collapse (and also the fact that it spewed out on top of a skyscraper) means that Armstrong wasn’t punching so hard magma came out he was just punching so hard that excess energy had to be released I guess”

Mae: “But as impressive as nanomachines are they have one major flaw, Their batteries, If not charged by external forces like Armstrong absorbing nearby energy he can and will run out, Though it’s very VERY unlikely he would need to recharge as we know his nano machines can last up to at least 20 minutes due to Armstrong and Raiden having a long ass political debate, But also a major flaw is if his heart is interrupted so is his nanomachines meaning no heart no nanomachines”

L.O.T: “…no heart would also mean he’s dead but sure no nanomachines I guess”

Mae: “But unfortunately for Armstrong he would find his end during the fight with Raiden after being stabbed and his heart being ripped out but not without insuring one thing, That his ideals would not die with him as he saw great potential with Raiden and knew the status quo would go on for a little while longer at least and thing is, Armstrong was right Raiden did take his life into his own hands and used whatever means necessary to achieve it”

L.O.T: “So don’t fuck with this senator or el-“

Suddenly a cheering sound effect plays

L.O.T: “WHERE DID THEY COME FROM”

Agent Venom Can turn into a WHAT?!:

Mae: “In the Marvel universe there is one place more iconic than anywhere else, That being New york which has some pretty big names Dr Strange, Daredevil, Moon knight, The Fantastic four and Luke cage but none of them are more iconic then the one and only Spider-Man”

(Note: While many people have worn the mask and used the name we’ll be referring to Peter Parker as our main spider-man and not characters like Miles morales, Who is also Spider-Man)

L.O.T: “Though unlike some of the previous heroes he leads a fairly boring life in high school, Peter Parker was bullied ruthlessly by Flash Thompson or Eugune but who calls him that, But Bullying usually stems from trauma and no thanks to his dad who was an alcoholic abuser, is that more apparent… Sadly this abuse got passed down onto Flash making him more aggressive and the main coping reason why he bullied Peter because Peter just never fought back”

Mae: “But there was more to this rivalry, Flash was a massive fan of Spider-Man Peter’s alter ego so much so he formed the Spider-Man fan club, And during his College years due to Gwen and Harry he would eventually stop bullying Peter Parker but sadly not long after a war broke out in Southeast Asia making Flash join up and fight in the united states army though there would be an incident where after an American attack on a temple where he was, Flash was blamed by the residents and went back to civilian life…But then joined shortly after again but lost both of his legs in it”

Mae: “While Flash returned as a hero he didn’t feel it even with Betty Brant especially his body he went through multiple stages of depression but in the opposite direction, using whatever he could to become the “Flash” again and eventually he got his chance thanks to project rebirth 2.0, Though it wasn’t willingly, This project wasn’t injecting him with some kind of medicine No it was giving him a Symbiote or one you might remember from a previous episode Venom And thus Agent Venom was born.”

Note: (Venom is not the Symbiote’s name, It doesn’t have a name it’s just a more convenient way of calling it and a way of distinguishing it from other black goo guys)

L.O.T: “And thanks to this upgrade not only was his legs healed but also was as strong as Spider-Man thanks to this Symbiote already being attached to Peter previously meaning he’s got webbing that can shoot out and can swing around like the webhead and as previously covered in Shadow vs Venom, Venom has enhanced durability, immense strength, 360 degree vision thanks to spider sense, Night vision, Regeneration and due to being nearly pitch black there’s a stealth bonus there, His webbing is as strong as Peter’s which can stop buildings from collapsing and are durable as hell so have fun being stuck in that”

Mae: “And like Venom he can form his body in swords, blades, shields, giant floor mouth things, tendrils but more importantly GUNS FUCK YEAH AMERICAAAA, Thanks to Flash’s time in the army he’s been able to form parts of his body into guns like rifles for far away combat, shotguns for close up combat, full auto for fun, semi auto for business, explosives like Grenades, Grenade launchers, Rocket launchers, Missile launchers, etc for pleasure, you name it he has it and will use it though his babies are two uzi’s (No not the Bi sexual robot) which shoot 600 rounds per minute and these babies are unlimited ammo”

L.O.T: “That’s actually a good point to bring up as thanks to being a symbiote he can just turn into anything like a car”

Mae: “OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT”

L.O.T: “Agent Venom as a car.”

(Note this joke is much funnier in the google doc version where there’s an image)

L.O.T: “So in order for this next ability we need to cover the story again as the Symbiote reunited with Eddie Flash would’ve been left alone UNTIL Anti Venom well more so as the FBI shot him and the symbiote left him but during a confrontation while trying to get Venom back Peter knocked over an artificial anti venom serum making him white and now burns anything symbiote related, Becoming Agent Anti-Venom”

Mae: “Sometime later after being revived Agent Anti Venom would rise up like a scorching phoenix or more so LIKE A FUCKING DRAGON, Yeah this is why I prefer Agent Venom then regular Venom HE CAN BECOME A MOTHER FUCKING DRAGON,While short lived he did use form against Knull’s conquest of Earth and helped free the heroes from the hive, So there’s that”

L.O.T: “Makes sense as Flash has gone toe to toe with Marvel’s greatest hits like Anti Venom, Venom, Kraven, Captain America who can block and survive hits from Ironfist who can cause 150 megaton explosions or Thor’s hammer, A shit ton of Symbiotes including Venom and Carnage but like Venom he has weaknesses like if his suit is removed he’s just a guy or the Symbiote’s weakness like loud noises or fire but then again Symbiote’s like Agent Venom have survived extremely hot temperatures like Ghost rider’s hellfire which is literally hot as hell or straight up re entry which is hot as the sun”

Mae: “He can dodge Lightning and is comparable to spider-man in speed who can dodge basic gun fire and lasers, And remember He has Spider-Sense so that’ll be great help, But it’s kinda ironic”

L.O.T: “What do you mean?”

Mae: “Well Flash grew up in a terrible household and bullied Peter but also was the biggest Spider-Man fan ever meanwhile at the end he saved God knows how many families from suffering terrible fates, Made amends with Peter and got work alongside his hero, Despite being handed a bad deal in life Flash made it work and while it would be possible without the Symbiote, Thanks to it he was able to become even more of a hero”

L.O.T: “Huh… Never thought about it like that before”

Mae: “Do you even think. Wait before we close out what happened to his dad?”

L.O.T: “Oh he died during the spider-island arc but in a hospital bed”

Mae: “Good… good that makes me happy”

————————-————————-
Analysis over, Time to Fight.
————————-————————-

Mae: “Alright the fighters are set, We’ve researched all we could, Now it’s all up to them”

L.O.T: “Time to find out who truly wins.”

————
Pre fight
————

A helicarrier flies above the Washington state sitting above the clouds, It’s alarms blare as Flash is summoned to the deck

Nick fury: “Remember the briefing Agent Venom?”

The White Anti-Venom symbiote wraps around Flash

Agent Venom: “Yep, Hostile seen about to breach in a giant robot near the white house, It’s my job to stop it and buy time for the president to escape”

Nick Fury: “Exactly, Now we don’t have permission to kill the enemy but if he does prove a big enough threat I will authorize clearance if needed now breach time is in 20 seconds good luck Son”

Meanwhile on the ground A Metal gear bursts from the ground destroying part of the city and starts walking towards the white house

Armstrong: “Alright Mr President, I hope you are ready bec-“

Suddenly a white blob drops down from the sky as a White draconic figure starts tearing into the Metal gear

Armstrong: “Ugh guess I’ll have to handle your playthings before I have any more fun”

———
FIGHT
———

Suddenly one of the two plasma cannons light up and blasts Agent Venom’s chest knocking him, Back roaring the Dragon slams into Excelsus knocking it back, The metal gear tries to fire a beam again but Agent Venom grabs onto it and rips it off

Armstrong: “That’s coming out of the taxpayers budget!”

A giant sword slams into Venom sending it flying through multiple buildings but the suit tries to cause as little damage as possible, Gets up and flies towards Excelsus

Flash’s mind: “Alright so this guy’s got blades meaning webbing is off limits unless I get them off.”

Agent Venom slams into the metal gear and starts lifting it up

Armstrong: “Nice try pipsqueak”

Excelsus slams it’s legs onto the dragon

Armstrong: “Little punk”

Before it can move forward Agent Venom grabs onto one of the blades and tears it off and slices off a foot so he can escape, He notices a plasma beam about to hit him so he holds the sword in front of him blocking the blast and then throwing it at the cannon sicing it diagonally, Armstrong grunts as he smacks the Dragon away

Armstrong: “Interfering with the good of America here!”

But the Dragon comes back and smashes into it’s side toppling the Metal gear over but before Armstrong could react webs start to circle the mech, Agent Venom lifts it up barley and swings it over his head once and smashes it into the ground, It crashes into the white houses Garden and before Excelsus could get up Agent venom smashes onto the head of it and rips it off before roaring and shrinking down back to regular size and turning on his communication device

Agent Venom: “Alright Target neutralized, Just need to find a way in and-“

Suddenly at the back of the metal gear a pod rises and opens revealing Armstrong walking out cracking his knuckles

Armstrong: “Alright fine you got my attention… Let’s dance punk”

Agent Venom: “Wait Senator Armstrong?”

Nick fury over communications: “Just Armstrong son, He lost the election and after that proof of him working with terrorist factions rose up, Guessing he’s here to take matters into his own hands, Problem is you are in his way.”

Armstrong squats as he screams wires and green energy surrounds him

Agent Venom: “What the hell?!”

Nick fury: “Shit…”

Agent Venom: “Permission to eliminate the threat?”

Nick fury: “Perm-Permisss-sion grant-granted”

Suddenly Venom’s communication device is busted by Armstrong absorbing every electronic in the vicinity

Agent Venom: “Alright bub.” He pulls out multiple rifles, shotguns, pistols and snipers “Let’s dance”

Bullets of all different calibre’s drop onto the ground as Agent Venom lights up Armstrong who bulldozes through the attacks like nothing

Agent Venom: “Alright… New strategy”

Suddenly he pulls out 2 Rocket launchers and fires them at Armstrong, Thinking it’s over he puts them down before Armstrong rushes through the smoke

Agent Venom: “OH SHOOOT”

Agent Venom is then smashed in the skull by Armstrong's fist causing him to fly back and skid across the floor

Agent Venom: “What even are you?! What kind of weird doctor cooked you up?”

Armstrong laughs as he rips off his shirt: “Nano machines son. I’m goddamn invincible, And a better politic then that chump in office seriously thinks talking animals need coverage pfft the only true Americans are the ones who dig from the dirt and take their lives into their very own hands! Like you Flash.”

Agent Venom steps back: “How- How did you know??”

Armstrong laughs: “I was the senator of Texas you think I didn’t have access to some shield files, I know your style”

Agent Venom tries to web up Armstrong but he just breaks out and grabs the web and pulls him in for a bearhug

Armstrong: “A Man from a broken home who had nothing yet pushed through and became a hero!”

Agent Venom: “Shut up”

Agent Venom’s body shoots out spikes slicing into Armstrong letting Flash escape and webs Armstrong's face and pulls him in for a knee kick making Armstrong fall backwards

Armstrong: “You’re my kind of American. We can do some good Flash”

Agent Venom: “Like hell I would, Plus my contract name is Agent Venom.”

Suddenly Venom’s body extends into a blade a slices off Armstrong's left arm

Armstrong: “You little shit.”

Forming a blade with his nub Armstrong stabs Agent Venom in the shoulder and throws him around, While Agent Venom recovers Armstrong reattach’s his arm before lunging at Agent Venom who blocks with a shield causing a loud bell like noise making him shriek in pain Armstrong takes the chance to slam his fist into Agent Venom’s skull causing him to fly back, He then grabs onto Agent Venom’s legs and throws him into Excelsus causing a massive dent in it, But before Armstrong could do anything else his fist is caught by Agent Venom’s fist

Agent Venom: “I’ve heard all your speeches and one thing I can tell about you is that you don’t care about the American people”

He brings him and headbutts him

Agent Venom: “All you care about is power and lining your own pockets!”

Agent Venom latches onto Armstrongs chest and chucks him into the air, He follows suit and forms a massive rocket with his arms

Agent Venom: “YOU ARE JUST LIKE ALL THE REST, YOU’RE JUST ANOTHER FISH IN A SEA!”

A massive blast hits Armstrong who is sent flying back into the Metal gear, Agent Venom forms a massive hammer and prepares to squash Armstrong’s head but an orange glow appears as right before the killing blow is made Armstrong smashes through the Symbiote construct and punches Agent Venom in the chest and slams him into the Metal gear causing an explosion that blows it up like in MGR…

The dust settles as we see Armstrong above Agent Venom

Armstrong: “You’re right, I am like the rest but the people don’t care, All they care about is what lies are fed to them, I can say this was an act of self defence and they’ll believe me”

Agent Venom: “What.. *Coughs* What a load of horse shit…”

Armstrong: “Is it? Can you say with confidence that I am completely wrong that American citizens would never follow me?”

Agent Venom looks down while Armstrong scoffs and delivers a speech but Flash doesn’t hear it all he can hear is… Spider-Man… No Peter telling him about his life and how no matter how hard it is

Agent Venom: “I’ll never give up, NEVER”

A barrage of bullets hail onto Armstrong who retaliates by punching the ground causing fire to spew out but doesn’t effect Agent Venom who latches onto Armstrong and stabs his neck before being thrown off but not before seeing a web latch onto the Metal gear’s last remaining blade being sent towards him

Armstrong: “Oh you little shit!”

Armstrong punches the Blade, Slicing it into two pieces but then Armstrong is suddenly pinned by webs as Agent Venom slams into him other and other again, Twisting around before using a sniper to blow off an arm and webs his mouth

Agent Venom: “What’s the matter Senator, Spider stuck in your throat? Or Oh don’t talk with your mouth full! Gotta tell Spidey that-“

But he is interrupted by Armstrong Clotheslining him, Armstrong grabs Agent Venom’s neck and starts squeezing hard

Agent Venom: “ugh… I’d say go to hell but Politics are like that”

Armstrong: “I was gonna give you second chance but fine be this way”

Agent Venom internally: “Shit… wait if i cant hurt him from the outside then…”

Armstrong: “Hm? Got something you wanna say?”

Agent Venom: “You want Agent Venom? Fine, Take it!”

The Symbiote slithers into Armstrong’s mouth and holds it wide as he throws Flash back

Armstrong: “Damn Punk! No matter, I’ll just take you out first!”

He lifts Flash up and snaps a leg, Flash screams in agony and before he’s able to snap the other or his neck a stinging sensation makes Armstrong drop Flash

Flash: “Told you, That was Venom.”

Armstrong: “G-Ga-L”

Armstrong’s body twists and contorts as the Symbiote eats his body from the inside out, bursting out of his arms and burning away the nano machines before returning to Flash

Agent: “And another thing? I held back, Have fun with that information when you get to hell

Armstrong screams as Agent Venom webs up Armstrong and launches him into the air and slices his chest multiple times before delivering a final slash splitting the senator and the heart in two, Blood drips down as Agent Venom drops down with the two chunks of Armstrong flopping down and the fabric of the destroyed heart floats down like a leaf

Agent Venom: “Thank god we had the Brains to not elect you…”

Suddenly a Helicopter arrives with Nick Furry and lands next to Flash

Nick fury: “Huh… Now how the hell are we gonna explain this”

Agent Venom: “By telling the truth Fury, By telling the truth”

Agent Venom walks away from the scene and swings away as Ambulances and Cops show up

KO

Mae: “Wait I thought Armstrong had this? After all Bullets can’t really hurt him?”

L.O.T: “Well you’d be right, Guns weren’t gonna do shit against Armstrong but that’s not all what the symbiote does, It can Stretch, retract, extend, expand, It is like sentient silly puddy”

Mae: “Oh like Flubber!”

L.O.T: “Ehhh kin- wait you watched Flubber?”

Mae just shrugs

L.O.T: “Anyways due to this if it got even close enough into Armstrong’s bloodstream it was game over for the senator but let’s talk stats first off Strength and obviously this goes to Armstrong, Who can cause fissures of some level just by punching the ground, Not to mention blowing up a 9,000,000 ton mech by just punching multiple times and while Agent Venom is strong he’s not on that level, Not to mention what’s hitting you, What’s gonna hit harder a wet surface or metal but strength didn’t really matter for once”

Mae: “Yeah Because both opponents were as durable as possible, plus regeneration factors because while it’s possible a strong enough punch would destroy either’s Nano machines or Symbiote it wouldn’t naturally happen, Hell they were dead set even, Both could survive giant explosions, But only one had the advantage in Hax and Speed, Agent Venom just had way more abilities compared to Armstrong, He could shapeshift himself in any way possible, make guns, regenerate and more importantly never get tired from the fight as Symbiote don't really get tired while Armstrong would need to recharge after a while leaving himself to an open attack plus not to mention the Nanomachines only covered part of Armstrong’s body so if a surprise attack hits him while not looking then that’s it”

L.O.T: “And for speed Armstrong was fast sure being able to keep up with Raiden… But only for a bit, Until Raiden got that shiny red sword after that Armstrong was playing catch up, While Agent Venom can swing across cities in seconds, keep up with laser dodging foe’s and more importantly had faster attacks which would let him eventually bypass the nanomachines letting him kill Armstrong, Yeah for once speed was a winning factor even in terms of experience Armstrong got squashed because of the fact he never saw live combat unlike Flash who was a war hero multiple times so no joke, Being a member of the Navy was a nerf to Armstrong, Not to mention their weaknesses with Armstrong’s being much more apparent”

Mae: “Armstrong was a devastating strong foe but Agent Venom was able to outspeed, out experienced, out ranked and outhaxed Armstrong in every other way, Looks like Armstrongs Presidential capabilities were gone in a Flash”

THE WINNER IS AGENT VENOM

Next time:

???: After All… I am your number one fan

???: And there is no queen of England

Chapter Text

Mae: “If you want to see a man's true character give him power”

L.O.T: “Words spoken by Abraham Linchon and honestly it really fits these two combatants perfectly Like Tighten the self entitled hero from Dreamwork’s Megamind”

Mae: “Or Syndrome, The Mastermind behind the Super’s Genocide from Pixar’s Incredibles”

Mae: “My name is Mae and this is L.O.T. and it’s our job to figure out who would win between these two fighters.”

————————
Analysis started.
————————

Is Tighten the only Dreamworks villain to be cucked??:

Mae: “On two distant worlds a black hole was consuming everything and so the two planets decided to send their youngest out into the stars hoping they’d find peace somewhere safe, And as everyone knows at least in Metrocity that is the origin of the Evil Megamind and the hero Metro man”

L.O.T: “It’s Metro city Mae, But yes everyone knew that even Hal Stewart the local camera man”

Mae: “Though he just wasn’t your average Camera man he was something much worse”

L.O.T: “And that’d be? What an incel”

Mae: “Well yes but also Jonah hill”

L.O.T: “Ah true, Anyways well despite being a sort of creep and loser something one day it would all change after Roxanne was kidnapped for the one thousandth time that week by Megamind after he escaped jail, And of course Metroman followed suit trying to protect her but he fell into a trap, A trap filled with Copper his only weakness! Wait, Coppers his weakness? That’s dumb anyways after the Sun finished warming up a beam was fired that destroyed the observatory, A skeleton came flying out meaning”

Mae: “Mark-I mean Metro man was no more and Megamind won and as he took over the city Megamind realized something, Being a Villain is only as fun or important if there’s a hero so that day he decided that This City Needs A Hero! So Megamind got to work figuring out DNA and got it to work. The problem is a fight with Roxanne made it fire prematurely and got Hal shot by the syringe. This would be the first step of his transformation into Tighten!”

(Note: While the games that gave Tighten his blue form do exist, They’re non canon thanks to the unfortunate existence of the tv show and is an outside factor so he won’t be getting that form or scaling from it either as we’ll be using the dreamworks movie as our primary source and stuff like the show won’t be really touched on, Trust me it doesn’t change a damn thing thankfully)

L.O.T: “Though this transformation would take time as Megamind needed 2 things first off info on Hal which they found out that Hal was basically a loser until he started transforming with his powers becoming strong, fast, had laser eyes, According to a song later on can see through stuff with X-Ray vision and could even fly! Problem is that the second thing was that Hal was untrained so Megamind disguised as his space Dad and Minion as his Space Step Mom got to work making him go through multiple training courses including one where he played donkey kong but there was just a turret there?? Where did they-“

Mae: “Super Villains dude and also Megamind he’s like famous for this weird shit, And while The DNA Hal got was Metroman’s he was not on par with him, Reminder thanks to the DNA being a hair strand he’s just a fraction of Metro Man’s powers so we can’t exactly cross scale him but we can use something called using his actual fucking feats like smashing through concrete, bricks and solid steel with ease, Being to tank heavy gunfire, but all would be for not as he went through the toughest thing imaginable… Being Cucked by Blue Will Ferell”

L.O.T: “Eh can’t really be cucking if they weren’t dating especially after Hal scared the ever living shit out of her by dropping her above the city… not a good look for you dude, But this caused a problem as Tighten only joined the gig to get the girl and saw no reason to keep up the act and became a super villain, And after Megamind confronted him he kinda got mad and fought each other and for the first fight Tighten actually won and please remember that all of Megamind’s tech is supposed to counter Metro man so the fact Titan kept getting smacked across city blocks and destroying a giant Copper ball was impressive but his most impressive feat was how he beat Megamind where he was able to send (If we equate the tallest building to the tallest in New york which this movie is basically parodying) over 1700 feet or 541 meters, He goes much higher than that and that was with a single strike of a lamppost and Tighten was able to catch up in just around 1.8 seconds though fortunately Megamind would be able to escape this encounter”

Mae: “Unfortunately though for the city of Metrocity, It would have a name change into Tightenvile as he took over and surprisingly did a better job at a hostile takeover of a city then Megamind did, But to be fair Megamind didn’t destroy the city which is what Tighten was doing and then Roxanne decided it was a good idea to try and reason with Hal… It didn’t work obviously as he tied up Roxanne to the top of the previous tower and demanded Megamind to fight him and where he foretold the events of September 8th 2022, He also carved a giant chunk off of the skyscraper while doing that which would take around 200 or so tons of tnt for this feat but eventually Megamind would show off his massive blue head with Presentation!”

L.O.T: “During the final showdown in order to save Roxanne Megamind got his Doombots to swallow Tighten while he saved the girl, Unfortunately the bots they were destroyed by Tighten causing a shockwave that spanned nearly the entire city or at least an entire town as it spans for awhile in the sky with no form of measurements while he picked up the part of the skyscraper which he was able to do fairly easily”

L.O.T: “Though fortunately Metroman I mean Megamind as Metroman showed up and pushed Tighten out of the city as he broke the sound barrier and left for Good”

Mae: “Fucking Aura farmer… Anyways, like all things in this story that didn’t work because for as dumb Tighten is, He knew it was Megamind because of him saying “Metrocity” so one last battle which Megamind’s mecha fist got shattered by just punching Hal who aura farmed the cam… WHO THE FUCK IS WRITING THIS”

L.O.T: “We are, Anyways Hal was able to destroy and create explosions with his heat vision and send Megamind flying again and almost won if it wasn’t for the-“

Mae: “THE FUCKING DEHYDRATION GUN, Eh had to say it once Death battle already took the rights to Gru vs Megamind we can’t top them, Why do you think we canceled Godzilla vs Hulk”

L.O.T: “Ah true… But even if Hal is strong there is one thing he lacks, That being a brain as he’s fairly dumb even still believing in the whole space parents things even after the truth was revealed and being pretty easy to get going as his temper does not have an off switch but he’s still a great Dreamworks Villain and yes the only one to get cucked to our information”

Mae: “…is that what we’re really closing on?”

Syndrome monologues his way into Cross versus:

Mae: “The year is 1947 the second world war just ended and America is at an all time high for the period which is in no part thanks to their super’s”

L.O.T: “It’s never established how they came to be so I guess it’s just genetic, But you got Universal man, Stratogate, Nimble Jack but maybe you want some more popular ones like Gazer beam, Frozone or Elastigirl but no super even comes close to the one on the lunch boxes and the one who is always doodled on kid’s worksheets when they’re bored that is none other than Mr Incredible!”

Mae: “And for every celebrity there’s a number one fan, And for Mr Incredible that fan is Buddy pines or Incrediboy according to himself”

(Note: Like Tighten we’ll only really be using the first movie as our sources and anything like the second movie, tie in games, Disney Infinity or the lego games are not gonna be mentioned unless they have some ground breaking information that the first movie doesn’t have)

L.O.T: “ Unfortunately for Mr incredible like most stans all Buddy did was cause problems as he interrupted a fight with Bomb voyage and let him escape alongside letting the french bomber attach a bomb to his cape which caused an entire bridge to collapse, After this Mr Incredible would send him to the police and never see Buddy again… While inside Buddy was enraged and more importantly… hurt His idol disregard him he couldn’t trust anyone or look up to anyone, Instead of being a sidekick he would rule though this plan would take time and thus Syndrome was born”

Mae: “Though Syndrome’s plan actually was working well without him as super’s were outlawed due to a series of lawsuits that made them go into hiding so Syndrome wouldn’t have any opposition plan solved right? Wrong because of this whole supers not being in the public eye or really existing he was free to… Let’s say experiment as while he was selling weapons to countries for war, building an army and buying a private army he as any genius would he kept all the best equipment for himself like his rocket boots allowing him to fly, a spoon bomb that is basically a grenade, shoot blasts of electrical energy, and his big guns the Zero point energy and the Omni droid, The Zero point energy glove is able to freeze people in place he can also fire these beams from each gauntlet he wears though while the entire body is imobile the eyes are still able to be moved but considering he can just drag you wherever he wants pretty much covers that weakness and anything really, Got someone annoying? Just zero point them and throw them away problem solved!”

L.O.T: “Yeah despite not being a super syndrome’s pretty good like being on par with the babysitter who can react to beams of light putting her in FTL at reaction speeds and the entire verse as she was exhausted but there’s his best invention the Omnidroids as while there’s been multiple we’ll be using the 10th Omnidroid, But why was there so many Omnidroids? Well because they were beaten by other supers you see Syndrome knew the heroes couldn’t resist not being supers so he tricked them one by one onto the island and let the omnidroid adapt to them to become the ultimate killing machine, Hell the very first Omnidroid killed Universal man who is able to create blackholes which thanks to Reddit calculations his black holes at minimum would be giving off 15.702+ Petatons of tnt! Which is multi continent level or at the maximum high ball 68.01+ Zettatons of tnt! Does that measurement seem familiar? Well you bet it does because THATS PLANET LEVEL, And that’s just the first Omnidroid it’s gotten 10X stronger then that and from what we can say it’s at least killed 20 other supers, 9 we see on the screen and 11 we hear off screen and by the way Universal man is not as strong as Mr incredible who Omnidroid version 10 was able to overpower Mr Incredible, This droid got the best tech like a giant armor piercing claws, scanners, an beautiful rolling body just to smash through shit and a plasma blaster on it’s head, Speaking of which Mr Incredible and Syndrome would meet again but not as Buddy, He would have an uncanny resemblance to the babysitter who had to change his outfit so he didn’t have a giant BS on his chest while walking around”

Mae: “It was during this fight where Mr Incredible tried to reason with Syndrome but he all he saw was someone respecting him now that he was a threat and as a genuine Rule of Thumb dude don’t throw the people you’re talking to across the forest, Who knows where they’ll land maybe in the Gassy swamps, Uncanny Valley or into a cave where he can find the entire base of operations plus your password so… Yeah don’t, Still sad that the supers died but After all, Change only happens when good men die but it’s not always good changes”

L.O.T: “True but maybe Syndrome had a reas…reasson Okay I can’t keep a straight face, Nah dude was totally in the wrong here he nearly killed an entire race of people because his idol told him not to step into an active crime scene and that’s what Syndrome’s main weakness is, Despite his massive amount of Intelligence and experience his ego is what sealed his fate and it is what caused the Omnidroid to attack him because he acted as a hero and since the Omnidroid was designed to kill heroes well it tried to destroy the remote which would’ve been bad news as thanks to the remote the Incredibles were able to launch one of it’s claws into it’s chest destroying it for good”

(Note: Despite adapting a bunch of times the Omnidroid has a massive flaw as it’s body is extremely weak to high piercing pressure as no super was able to do something like that)

Mae: “Though it wouldn’t be the end for this uncannily strong man as after the battle he would commit one final act of villainy, Getting rid of that ha- wait no that’s the good timeline, I mean taking the Incredibles baby and raising him by himself which like I don’t think he planned this out, Where was he gonna go? His island is known now but whatever surely it’ll go well right?”

L.O.T: “Nah lmao elastigirl threw a car at Syndrome causing him to be sucked into a jet’s turbine and explode. Jesus christ why was that so brutal especially for Pixar, And while Syndrome was gone his defeat allowed Supers to be reintroduced into society”

Mae: “UNTIL THE SECOND MOVIE FUCKED THAT UP I HATE THAT”

L.O.T: “True and kind of ironic that Syndrome’s downfall was foretold by Edna due to his cape snagging into a jet, Still doesn’t mean Syndrome isn’t one of the most entertaining pixar villains but it certainly makes him the best one.”

————————-————————-
ANALYSIS OVER, TIME TO FIGHT.
————————-————————-

Mae: “Alright the fighters are set, We’ve researched all we could, Now it’s all up to them”

L.O.T: “Time to find out who can prove their worth and enter the winner’s circle.”

——————
PRE FIGHT:
——————

3:42 PM Wednesday July 14th ????, The city of Municiberg is on fire as a giant metal orb attacks the city blowing up parts of it, On a ledge above it Syndrome controls the mech

Syndrome: “Alright just a little more property damage then I swoop in “destroy” the robot and bygones will be bygones after…”

Screams of the Incredibles play in the background as the Omnidroid defeats them

Syndrome: “Last time, Eh oh well I mean it’s not like any more supers exist or can even challenge me anymore”

Suddenly a gust of wind pushes Syndrome’s cape forward as he sighs and turns around to see Tighten

Tighten: “Yo buddy! I have a little proposition for ya”

Syndrome’s eye twitches at the sound of that word

Syndrome: “Alright super, What is it”

Tighten: “I’ve heard what you did to that Spandex family plus that random blue guy really bad color coordination but anyways I was thinking… Why don’t you and I team up!”

He flies next to Syndrome and pulls out a piece of paper with Syndrome drawn over something
Tighten: “Obviously I would have like dual wings, jet boots from you and a B for Bad ass and you can like get a new symbol or som-“

Suddenly the paper is blown up by a bolt of plasma

Syndrome: “Ehhh nah I don’t work with supers plus I drew better while you were still in the oven”

Tightens eyes glow red as he gets angry and yells as Syndrome does a salute and jumps off the building

————
FIGHT:
————

Tighten: “Ohoh you’re so dead punk!”

Tighten crashes himself through the building in a attempt to catch up to Syndrome but is caught off guard by a bus smashing into him and exploding

Syndrome: “If you want me”

A giant ball of Metal rolls up to Syndrome and fires three blasts of plasma at Tighten

Syndrome: “Gotta go through him first, See ya never chump Hahaha”

Syndrome laughs as he flies away onto a nearby building as Tighten tanks the three blasts and charges towards Syndrome but the Omnidroid catches him by grabbing his cape and swinging him through the buildings and letting go, Tighten flies through building after building before landing in the streets

Tighten: “Oh that’s IT”

He flies towards the Omnidroid and slams his fist into it only for it to have no effect, The strike shakes Tighten’s body, He’s then smacked away by the omnidroid who tries to grab onto him but is stopped by Tighten smacking away the claw and blasting the droid with his laser eyes which have little to not effect, The droid instead blasts him away with a twin plasma blaster and stomps on him, picking up Tighten who tries to break through which destroys a skyscraper in the process

Syndrome: “Oooo that’s gotta hurt, But hey thanks to you I’ll get more publicity than I ever did”

Meanwhile with Tighten, He spits out some concrete in his mouth and lifts up the skyscraper that he crashed through, Struggling as he prepares to throw it

Tighten: “Take this you oversized bowling ball!”

The skyscraper flies through the sky and crashes into the ground and skids towards the Omnidroid tries to catch it but is knocked back by the impact, The skyscraper crumbles away further and further as it falls into the omnidroid, Tighten smirks realizing he’s free to attack Syndrome and flies straight towards him, Syndrome doesn’t panic and presses a couple buttons and suddenly a drill rockets towards Tighten who is knocked to the streets, The drill stops spinning and reveals itself to being a claw, It pinches and grabs onto him before Tighten tears it’s appendages off and chucks it at Syndrome who barely dodges it though it does take a bit of his hair off, After cowering he takes a peak over the ledge to see Tighten picking up a lamppost and slamming it against the Omnidroid but the lamppost just break’s with 3 circular indents, The omnidroid starts spinning it’s claws as they become circular blades, They slice into Tightens clothes but slowly start to wear down and becomes blunt, Tighten grabs onto the blades and smiles venomously

Tighten: “My turn”

He then rips the two blades that formed the blades off and blasts the Omnidroid with his eyes, But straight at the visor of the droid, He then flies underneath the droid and tries to lift it up, He lifts it up fully and laughs before the droid retracts all it’s limbs causing the weight to increase and crushes Tighten, The droid now in it’s ball form rolls around the city with Tighten being crushed with every roll, A small ow can be heard from Tighten each time while Syndrome just laughs at him

Syndrome: “Oh man they can’t replicate this stuff on television even if they tried”

His laughter does cause him to snort and cough though meanwhile back with the droid, Tighten is able to stop the droid by digging his feet into the ground and holding onto the droid eventually carving a trench, Tighten then flies around the Omnidroid and punches it over and over again causing both of them to fall into a subway and then a cavern, where the Omnidroid grabs Tighten and drags him across the entire wall of the cave spinning faster and faster until there’s smoke but Suddenly Tighten lasers a piece of stalagmite which crashes down and separates one of the arms, The omnidroid steps back and tries to launch a claw at Tighten but he catches it in time and throws it at the Omnidroid causing it to be stuck into the droid and kicks him into a wall

Tighten: “Okay Tin can why don’t we go on a ride.”

He uses most of his strength and punches him out of the cavern far into the sky and flies straight up causing a sonic boom while the droid faces toward Tighten it uses it’s last claw and makes a spinning fan as both of them collide causing an explosion and after sometime some blood and the omnidroid drop into the city, Syndrome suddenly flies by near the Omnidroid and laughs

Syndrome: “Aw man that was GREAT! Alright get up buddy now I gotta defeat you an-“

Suddenly a giant piece of metal is rocketed out from the top and crashes next to Syndrome, The piece of metal being the Omnidroid’s core, Syndrome steps back as he watches Tighten rush out from the top of the Omnidroid and crashes right in front of Syndrome

Tighten: “Sorry about breaking your little toy, You are next.”

Tighten charges a punch but suddenly finds himself unable to move, Syndrome pointing his finger at Hal with the zeropoint energy has a fake shocked expression

Syndrome: “Oh? What’s this well it’s a little something called ZERO POINT ENERGY BABY, You ever hear about it? No? Well good because I invented it, Invented it for heroes like you.”

But before he can continue his monologue a laser shoots the glove holding it causing his right arm to have a hole in it, Syndrome tries to hold back tears as his flesh burns and prepares to fire it again but on his other arm but Tighten just chops that arm off

Tighten: “God… It’s the same with all of you just blabbering about your plans, Same with the Megamind whose head I popped like a blueberry, While I actually get things done just quick and efficient.

Syndrome crawls back and trying to hold his arm in pain as he whimpers

Syndrome: “Y-You Mentioned a team up huh? Well I’ll be glad to team up with you! I’ll even make you tech just gotta fix me up and I’ll help don’t worry!!”

Tighten: “Oh so Now you respect me, Because I’m an actual threat to you well guess what, and after all.”

Syndrome tries to fly away while screaming but Tighten grabs onto his cape and drags Syndrome through the city, Smashing through skyscrapers and other buildings as Syndromes bloody scream comes to an end Tighten stops and all he holds is a bloody cape he crunches it in his fists in anger

Tighten: “there’s room enough for one super villain”

——
KO
——

Mae: “FUCK THE INCEL WON”

L.O.T: “Mae… they’re both incels…”

Mae: “Yeah but the more… whatever anyways this was genuinely an extremely close match, though Hal was able to scrape by the win more times than not”

L.O.T: “Yeah honestly this was just Hal vs Omnidroid featuring Syndrome as Hal would just obliterate Syndrome upon contact but problem would be the Omnidroid”

Mae: “Speaking of which, In terms of durability Tighten would take it, We’ll be comping the Omnidroid and Syndrome for this, So the best feat in terms of durability we know the Omnidroid would have is around a planet level durability or is it? Well considering the island and planet are still around it’s safe to say Universal man didn’t actually use any big black holes or reach island levels in canon, after all that calc is what the guy COULD do, We never see Universal man in action and another factor is being resistant to Hal’s favourite attack being laser eyes as it adapted to survive Gazerbeam’s attacks which could also be misinterpreted as we know an Omnidroid was destroyed in between Stormcide and Apogee so it could be said the Omnidroid never adapted to it as it just straight up killed Gazerbeam, But how does Hal take durability? Well it’s quite shrimple, Hal or Metroman has never shown to be actually harmed especially by attacks for giant mechs or hell the death ray for Metroman but Hal only has a fraction of his powers so we can’t factor that in but Hal still has better on screen showcases of durability instead of relying on hypotheticals, Not to mention the whole Omnidroid being destroyed thing But Mr Incredible said the only thing that can destroy it is itself so how does that work?”

L.O.T: “Well the Omnidroid matched Mr Incredible who could well lift the whole damn thing right? Well not exactly as Hal has shown to be on par (or Parr lol) or even better then Mr Incredible like being able to punch people or massive mechs that should be around the weight of the Omnidroid’s up 1700 feet with a damn lamppost while Mr Incredible’s best feat is lifting around 1.83 tons not to mention the speed of impact could drastically affect the impact Hal could give as remember how the Omnidroid V10 was destroyed? By an immense amount of force and speed.”

Mae: “But would Tighten have the speed in order to do that and actually yeah, The rocket that travelled to destroy and penetrate the omnidroid seemed to travel at speeds of a regular rpg aka 740 mph while the best speed feat Tighten got was breaking the sound barrier being 767 mph meaning if Tighten was to go full speed and collide with the omnidroid he would be able to penetrate it, Though that comes with a problem of reaction speed as remember the babysitter is FTL in reaction speeds so shouldn’t the Omnidroid be fast enough in reaction speeds to dodge it? Well as the Omnidroid never got to adapt to the babysitter it wouldn’t necessarily have the reaction speed to do it nor the movement speed as while it was able to keep up with Frozone who was carrying Dash and even if it was able to Dash only runs up to speeds of 190 MPH, Meaning if we equate the Omnidroid to Dash’s speed (Which is wrong but shhh) Tighten would still be four times faster meaning Tighten wins the battle of the body”

L.O.T: “But not the battle of the mind as Syndrome takes both Intelligence and experience, Mashing them up as there’s not much to compare because Tighten is an idiot, Sure he recognized Megamind as Metroman because Metrocity not Metro city but that doesn’t even come close to Syndrome being able to construct rocket boots, a genocide robot and fucking Zero point energy, Hell he still believes in the space parents thing even after it was straight up told to him that it was a lie, and in terms of experience… Come one a 10 year old inventor that kept inventing till like his late twenties making all kinds of weapons while Hal is specifically established to have done nothing at the age of 28 that became a super in like a day, Tighten had zero experience in both combat and in general to compare with Syndrome”

Mae: “So what about Hax? Well this was more difficult to figure out as Tighten has flight and so does Syndrome, While their other haxes comes out to the laser eyes and Syndrome has his Zero point energy so that balances it out to 2 so it should be a tie here right? Well actually nope all thanks to Music man we know that Tighten can see through anything with his X-Ray vision plus just enhanced vision means he gets the advantage on quantity and quality as Zero point energy would be the only thing carrying Syndrome in this category but Syndrome can’t use it forever and a second of being free Tighten is gonna get a grab onto him”

Mae: “Syndrome was a weird opponent and while the Omnidroid was able to counter a lot of Hal’s basic attacks, It sadly wasn’t able to keep up with Tighten’s higher levels of Strength, Durability, speed and Hax”

L.O.T: “Syndrome might’ve had the better brain but eventually the droid would have to go down and Syndrome would be left alone meaning…

THE WINNER IS TIGHTEN”

Mae: “Though… What if?”

Mae and L.O.T. get Eggwilly’d:

The screen cuts back to the previous fight as the Omnidroid slams into the ground but instead of the core being flung out Tighten flies out by himself

Tighten: “Alright punk game over give me the control actually no because of the damage to my suit, Why don’t I take something more valuable.”

Tighten’s eyes glow red but he hears the ground cracking, He turns around and sees the Omnidroid last claw crashes into him, Picking him and slamming him into the ground over and over again and using the plasma blaster to do so until it stops and is holding a bloody cape with messed up skeleton attached to it that drops down suddenly a group of people approach the scene cowering

Syndrome: “Ah! My fellow people don’t worry as your fellow hero I have tamed this beast and we teamed up against this dastardly evil villain, Don’t look though it’s a mess down there”

Suddenly hearing the words hero the Omnidroid activates fully again and looks at Syndrome and blasts the remote away, Syndrome scared and panicked starts to fly away but is caught off guard by a claw from earlier flying straight at him smashing him into a row of buildings and landing in a field just outside the city, While his mask flies down into a burning city with a heavily damaged Omnidroid destroying everything

KO

L.O.T: “…wait what, Is that the actual ending or?”

Mae: “Nah it’s an alt ending for the people in a server but this would be the second most likely outcome of this match as Syndrome despite being a smartass… Well he’s kinda dumb and says he’s a hero in front of the hero killer 9000, Tighten still wins but it is fun to have alternate endings, Funny how one of the named characters in this fight has the worst of a chance of winning due to his incompetence and also the fact his only way to win is basically freeze Hal and drown him”

L.O.T: “The winner is Hal but for this ending…”

THE WINNER IS THE OMNIDROID

Next time:

“This is the Zealots way”

Chapter Text

Fight is dedicated to my good friend Tophat Torchwick who’s also helped with this script, Enjoy

L.O.T: “You know I never believed in a creed or a religion”

Mae: “But these two definitely believe or at least for one of them believed in their mission for their creed and sought to redeem their honour multiple times

Like Thel Vadam, The Arbiter of Halo”

L.O.T: “Or Din Djarin THE Mandalorian”

Mae: “My name is Mae I’m ya host and with me is my co host L.O.T. and it’s our job to figure out these two fighters and see who would win in a duel to the death”

The Arbiter sneaks his way into Cross versus:

Mae: “The planet of Sanghelios was considered one of the most brutal planets of all time, homing a race of honour bound aliens that lived to fight, Eventually they and a race of aliens called the San,Shyuum created the Covenant. This Covenant would grow more and more, gaining new aliens that would be known as Brutes, Jackels, Grunts and Hunter’s. But the Sangheli’s would be known as the elite’s the best of the best. They would command the Covenant’s ships and glass any planet that dared oppose them especially humanity including their beloved Reach. And well the one who glassed Reach was considered the youngest and the best fleet master in the entire Covenant armada his name was Thel ‘Vadam.”

L.O.T: “As they set the planet of Reach on fire the main ship carrying the last survivors.”

Mae: “Minus Noble six he 100% survived and lived in a cave”

L.O.T: “i really gotta break the news one day… Anyways the Arbiter led his entire fleet after glassing reach and followed the Pillar of Autumn to the Halo ring or more accurately Alpha Halo or if you wanna call it by it’s actual Name Installation 04 and unlike the rest Thel wasn’t blinded, paralyzed or dumbstrucked by it’s majestic appearance.”

Mae: “Unfortunately for Thel the ring had 2 problems one being a case of main characteritis and also the most deadliest infection ever in the universe being the flood, Ya got some popcorn kernels and the rest of them are just mutated versions of already existing species, Luckily for Thel he was safe in his cruiser but unfortunately for him the chief did what he had to do and blew up the Halo ring destroying the installation and also a good chunk of the Covenants forces stationed there somehow didn’t kill Johnson (There’s an actual reason for that but sorry Gun’s it’s classified and totally didn’t involve grabbing an Elite’s ass.)”

L.O.T: “And while the reason why the Arbiter lost the first was very understandable being forced to choose between a green guy that is just trying to stay alive vs a virus that can destroy entire galaxies I would choose to try and destroy the popcorn plague first as well though the prophets didn’t see it this way, They saw it as a failure.”

Mae: “Like they would’ve done better “Oh you saved our asses thousands of times and won countless battles is a great help but we recently remembered we have monkey’s that we prefer to dinosaurs with plasma blades and guns that can turn invisible fuck you get tortured in front of the entire covenant and stripped naked while being branded while the Humans are giving the Chief chocolate cake and a headpat fuck you do you want a chicken nugget.”

L.O.T: “…despite your over exaggeration that was basically what happened, Being stripped of all command and placed into a position that was basically suicide.”

Mae: “In order to keep fighting for the Covenant Thel gained the title of Arbiter and also got a nice new suit, Said suit is designed with an onboard cloaking system, A tracking system and shields that can tank multiple rounds of continuous fire, Said shield can even regenerate over time meaning he’s always got it even if an emp hits him like from a Plasma pistol, even his newer armor has all of this.”

L.O.T: “Not to mention in terms of physicality Thel is no joke, He’s stronger then the last Arbiter aka Ripa ‘Moramee who was able to hold back a massive battering ram twice his size in width and height, the same Arbiter was also able to throw around Forge who is seemingly a spartan 1 though it’s not confirmed but the last Arbiter did not have as much weapons or gear as Thel.”

Mae: “Yeah like his type 51 carbine, plasma pistols that can cause emp’s, Needlers that cause pink mist explosions, an energy sword which can cut through solid steel, Can carry 4 plasma grenades, Dusl Okarda’Phaa Plasma rifles, Beam rifles basically a shit ton of plasma based weapons.”

(Note: While some weapons carried by elites in infinite have electric based properties it is unknown if the Arbiter has access to him as he sadly isn’t in infinite and while he’s carried UNSC weapons in cutscenes and can use them in game we felt like he wouldn’t carry them at all.”

L.O.T: “And one more special weapon though that’ll be covered at a later point for spoiler reason but speaking of his story after defeating the heretic and seeing 343 guilty spark the Arbiter returned to High charity only to be sent on his final mission which uh ended poorly.”

(Insert poorly edited scream as the Arbiter is sent flying into the void”

Mae: “Yeah don’t trust someone whose name rhymes with Tar Tar sauce…”

L.O.T: “But luckily for Thel the Gravemind had other plans for him by sending him against his toughest foe yet, Tartarus and if you don’t know how Brute hierarchy works it’s basically whoever’s the strongest so the Arbiter had to fight the strongest Brute at the time with a more powerful gravity hammer.”

Mae: “And the Arbiter actually won! Which caused a chain of events that led to the Elite’s joining humanity against the Covenant and Thel had the toughness to do it, He’s tanked the eye beam from 343 guilty spark, kept up with chief and can dodge Spartan lasers which can fire Faster than light.”

L.O.T: “There was a reason why he was elected the youngest Fleetmaster in the covenants history, Hell he even helped destroy the flood I mean for God’s sake he even defeated a Spartan 2 (which is the same class of John-117) extremely early in his career, Killed three Assassins while ass naked, and remember that eye laser? That same laser killed a Spartan 1 aka Johnson and heavily damaged Masterchief Hell he’s so smart that the Unsc was sure of their demise as long as Thel was leading the fleets or was even just alive but eventually the war was coming to a close and with the help of Masterchief and the flood at the very end the last Halo ring needed to be activated was stopped from firing.”

Mae: “And so the Arbiter plunged his energy sword into the Prophet of Truth killing the Covenant and renaming his sword into the Prophet’s bane which boosts Thel’s speed greatly, Thel would help Chief eliminate the flood but both of them would be separated at the end of their journeys with Chief in space and Thel on Earth where he put an end to the Human covenant war.”

L.O.T: “Thel did appear in Halo 5 but nothing really happened minus him reuniting with John overnight which happened in a comic so…”

Mae: “And while the Arbiter’s story after 3 and 5 are shrouded in mystery only knowing he lead his kind back into the light and survived multiple ONI assassins he’s still a threat.

L.O.T: “And ONI assassins are no joke being on par with Spartan Locke who was able to keep up with the masterchief in 5.”

Mae: “But Despite all his challenges and roadblocks in the end the Arbiter showed the way forward for not just to his people but everyone else, By standing by the chief till the end Thel ‘Vadam destroyed the covenant and freed the entire galaxy from the prophets.”

Shipmaster: “I would like to see our own world, To know it’s safe”

Arbiter: “Fear not. For we have made it so”

Shipmaster: “On your word Arbiter”

Arbiter: “Take us Home.”

Weapons are the Mandalorian’s way:

Mae: “We’ve covered multiple eras and planets in star wars from the Old republic with Revan and all the way to the First order with Kylo ren but while all of the rest were highly influential people in their eras and both controlled the force why don’t we look at the small back water planets of the outer rim during the clone wars the planet of Aq Vetina was under attack by the separatist army droids blasted anyone they saw but luckily the children of the watch, A Group of Mandalorian’s showed up to save the day”

L.O.T: “Which is important for this story as they saved a child named Din Djarin and seeing as the parents of the kid died after a rocket hit the shelter he was at the children of the watch sought to teach him the ways of Mandalore, The ways of Mandalore included never ever showing your face even in the most emotional moments which lasted only one season, But the Mandalorian’s are a very honour bound society they live and breath honour if you aren’t learning how to throw a knife at someone at 3 years old you failed at life to them, They’re so badass that they even waged wars on Jedi’s and actually held their ground despite not having the force”

Mae: “Though for this we’ll be focusing one named Din Djarin as previously stated now after being adopted Din was trained in multiple forms of combat, hand to hand, blasters, melee, etc he was basically a one man army”

L.O.T: “And That actually paid off for Din because after the fall of the empire there was a period of time where everyone on the outer rim was just existing as the New Republic didn’t really care for any world near the outer rim Din was free to become a bounty hunter and became “The Mandalorian” one of the most popular bounty hunters ever”

Mae: “Dodoodooo”

L.O.T: “Hell was that?”

Mae: “Eh tried imitating the Mandalorian’s theme but yeah there was a reason he was so important he got shit done especially after he got an upgrade that turned his regular armor into Beskar armor which can tank blaster fire extremely easily and even lightsaber attacks which can strike up to 20,000 degrees at a minimum that’s some serious protection! Though it does come with some downsides as electricity is able to bypass this defence and cook the user and while the Armor is classified as full body it’s not actually covering his entire body as there are some spots where the Beskar doesn’t cover but good luck”

L.O.T: “Yeah there’s a good reason why he’s one of the most popular but despite this he couldn’t find any jobs because he completed them all! Well minus one a job that requires saving a 50 year old from some bandits and after taking down a group of bandits and Ig-11 after it tried killing the target Din would come face to face with The baby though now we know his name to be Grogu/his soon to be kid but problem with keeping this kid is that the entire outer rim’s bounty hunters were after him but luckily he had the weapons to beat them after all they are his religion”

Mae: “Din’s got your classics like a flamethrower, Ee-3 carbine rifles, Knifes, whipcords, a Mandalorian special the Whistling birds, His babies the Ib-94 and Dl-21 blaster pistols or if you wanna get more exotic he’s got His Amban Phase pulse blaster which like the Ee-3 can disintegrate foes by a single blast. Thermal detonators which can explode with a force of 3.9 tons of tnt, He’s even got his own fancy jetpack do he can soar into the skies with, and as standard Mandalorian helmets he can also switch to inferred vision in order to spot foes better, and his two best weapons his Beskar spear which as the name implies is a spear made entirely of Beskar and the Darksaber basically a lightsaber though Din isn’t the best or most graceful with it as he doesn’t wanna be the leader of Mandalore so it kinda rejects him even though he won it fairly. Eventually though Din would face off tougher foes on his journey”

L.O.T: “Even if Din was slower he still held his own against foes like Boba Fett, Fennec Shand, Ahsoka Tano and Moff Gideon, He’s also killed some tough monsters like the Krayt dragon and mudhorn’s The latter being the symbol for his clan most likely due to the fact it was the first opponent he and Grogu over came, Though the two would be in for a wild ride as Grogu was kidnapped after Din tried to get him to reach out to a Jedi which made him team up with Boba Fett, Fennec Shand and Bo Katan plus some other mandalorian’s”

Mae: “Yeah that’s a repeating theme for him, Din is just some guy trying to make his way through the galaxy by only doing side quests but keeps accidentally getting dragged into the main story like how he met Luke skywalker after Din beat Moff Gideon and gave up Grogu to Luke so he could train him.”

L.O.T: “Yeah that did not last long as Grogu went back to Din and didn’t become Luke’s first student which thank God Ben would’ve killed him, but eventually Moff would become a huge problem again as he took the entire planet of Mandalore hostage which was saved by the children of the watch and Din + Grogu in IG-11’s body was able to destroy the empire’s plan and kill Moff Gideon and freed Mandalore”

Mae: “Though this did have some consequences as the Darksaber’s hilt was crushed but it’s Kyber crystal could be inserted into a new one, The other consequence was Din adopting Grogu! Fucking finally after 3 seasons “Oh if ONLY his parents were here with him” The armorer was basically screaming at him to fucking adopt him, You travelled this far with him and didn’t adopt him tf??”

L.O.T: “And with Mandalore saved and in the right hands with Bo katan and Grogu adopted. Din and Grogu would return to Nevarro and set up the Clan Mudhorn camp”

Mae: “And while we don’t know how his story will end thanks to the upcoming movie that’s not out yet at least he got some time to lay down, relax and chill with his new son alone and with contempt.”

Din: “I can bring you in warm… or I can bring you in cold”
————————-————————-
ANALYSIS OVER, TIME TO FIGHT.
————————-————————-

Mae: “Alright the fighters are set, We’ve researched all we could, Now it’s all up to them”

L.O.T: “Time to find out who can prove their worth and enter the winner’s circle.”

——————
PRE FIGHT:
——————

A Sangheli approaches Thel and kneels

Ourwk: “Arbiter… Our spies have reported an assassin has been hired to go after you”

Thel: “… Very well I will head outside the city limits in order to reduce collateral damage from this spartan, Thank you Ourwk”

Ourwk: “Actually sir, It’s not a spartan it’s one of those Mandalorians”

Thel sighs: “If this assassin is truly Mandalorian he’ll honour a fair fight, Do not follow me I will handle this by myself”

The Arbiter walks into a nearby Banshee and flies off to a desolate location meanwhile Din and Grogu fly towards Sanghelios approaching a rocky opening, The ship lands behind a clearing, Din opens the hatch as he gets out

Din: “Stay here, Do not leave until I come back okay Grogu?”

Grogu coo’s as he plays with a small metal ball

Din: “Good… let’s get this over with”

Din approaches an open field where a Banshee, camp fire and the Arbiter sit

Thel: “I assume you’re the one ONI sent? Shame thought you Mandalorian’s had better standards”

Din: “I need credits and they have a ton of them so let’s make this quick.”

Din pulls out a thermal detonator and stares the Arbiter down who steps on his campfire

Din: “I can bring you in warm. Or I can bring you in cold”

Thel: “I’d like to see you try.”

———
Fight
———

Din throws the grenade at Thel who shoots it out of the air with a plasma pistol causing an explosion, As the explosion forms Thel activates his camo and hides behind a rock covering while spamming his plasma pistols at Din who activates his jetpack and flies to a rock and hide behinds it, Loads up the Amban pulse blaster and fires at Thel who manages to duck his head just in time and fires a blast from his beam rifle which takes off a bit of the rock that Din’s hiding behind, Thel activates his cloaking and runs to another covering but is spotted thanks to Din’s thermal vision and is nearly blasted

Thel internally: “Damn imp can see me…”

Suddenly Thel gets an idea and throws a plasma grenade towards Din who snipes it but while distracted Thel takes the chance to fire another beam at Din who last second is able to fire the pulse rifle at Thel but the beam slices through the shot and blasts the sniper’s barrel, Though some of the leftover from the last blast hits Thel knocking him down but he quickly recovers as Din fires with both his Dl-21 blasters. Thel rolls backwards and pulls out his plasma pistols and starts spamming both of their lasers clash but slowly Din gets the upper hand as he blasts one of the pistols away soon as Thel starts to loose ammo so in a a desperate final gambit the Arbiter charges up his Plasma pistol to it’s max and fires at Din, The plasma ball smashes into his chest causing him to drop down from the sky and drop his pistols as well, He’s then barraged by a storm of pink needles that slice into him and explode causing Pink mist, Din falls back from the blast he takes cover as the Arbiter starts firing but does take some damage as the needles graze and stick onto him, Din takes the needles out with a groan, He then pulls out his Ib-94 pistols and looks out from the cover

Din: “Alright now where are you?…”

Thel: “Right behind you.”

Thel suddenly uncloaks and punches Din square in the face, shattering some of the visor, Din drops his pistols as his head smacks against the rock, Thel hops on top of Din and starts to choke him

Thel: “You ONI assassin’s are all the same, All bark no bite yet there’s something different about you.”

Din struggles trying to break free, kicking his feet back and trying to pry himself but eventually he fires some whistling birds which smack into the Arbiter getting rid of his shields. Thel immediately runs around to turn on his cloak but Din catches him by using his whipcord, He then pulls out his Ee-3 rifle but before he can shoot Thel, The elite drops a plasma grenade by Din’s feet. The explosion catches the Mandalorian off guard and sends Din back into a pile of sharp rocks which dig into the jetpack

Din: “Dank Farrik.”

Din puts a thermal detonator into a small hole that was created by the rocks into his jetpack and throws it near the Arbiter who managed to dodge and free himself from the whipcord just in time, Thel and Din both pull out their rifles (The Plasma carbine and Ee-3 rifle respectively) both match their shots as plasma collides with each other though the Ee-3 does pass through some shots and hits Thel backwards who manages to also shoot the rifle last second, The two throw their rifles down charge towards each other and start to throw fists at one another, The fight lasts so long that eventually both Sangheli and Mandalorian’s find them and start watching from the side lines and it becoming early morning instead of night, Thel grabs onto Din’s shoulders and thrusts his knee into his head but Din grabs a knife and stabs it into Thel’s legs who screams before picking up Din and throws him away like a log and cloaks and runs away, As Din gets up and tries to look for clues on where Thel went until he hears the sound of an energy sword being ignited.

Din: “Got you”

Din turns around and uses his flamethrower but Thel manages to tank it and ignites and Plasma grenade and throws it at Din who manages to block it by throwing his last Thermal Detonator at it, The plasma grenade sticks to it and lands right in the middle of Thel and Din who look at it and close their eyes and lowering their shoulders and heads as the explosion engulfs them both, Both are sent flying back and both land on rocks as Din grabs a weapon from his back and runs at Din, Thel doesn’t see what the weapon is but is able to counter it as his vision comes back to him. He's then able to see the Beskar spear and is able to counter the spears strikes. Both swing at each other their weapons clashing into each other as the energy sword lights Din’s armor as it clashes and the spear causes Thel problems as the strikes are too fast for his shield to regenerate until a blood curdling scream comes from Thel as Din digs the spear into Thel’s left shoulder, A giant hole is left as the Arbiter kneels down and clenches his wound.

Din: “Like I said before, I-“

Thel: “I know. You’ve said it once to many, But unfortunately for you and the Prophets of the past. If you came to hear me beg.”

Thel gets up and tears the spear out of his shoulder, He screams but throws it on the ground breathing heavily as he drops his regular energy sword and ignites the prophets bane as Din ignites his Darksaber

Thel: “You’ll be disappointed”

Din prepares to strike down Thel but is suddenly confused as Thel turns invisible and strikes at his head but it’s ineffective thanks to the Beskar, Thel then strikes at Din’s chest but the next strike is blocked by the Darksaber which is able to cut off a piece of the Arbiter’s headpiece, Thel sweats but notices Din isn’t as experienced with the darksaber and is wielding it like a greatsword, He smiles as he runs to Din’s side and manages to slice off his left arm but is then headbutted and stumbles back. But both are exhausted and stare each other down with their visions fading. The two stare down each other but also looking at their respective people. Thel sighs before looking at Din again and then suddenly Thel charges at Din, Who closes his eyes but uses his right arm and grapples Thel’s left arm with the Whipcord and drags him towards him, Thel manages to slice the Whipcord and block the incoming strike from the Darksaber by letting it go through the blades gap, But Thel struggled on one kneel, Eventually though Darksaber glides down in between the blade and reaching near to the Arbiter burning some his armor and passing through the shields, in a loud scream the Arbiter twists his arm disarming the darksaber, Gets up and headbutts Din and with one clean slice cuts down the Mandalorian, His head stuck in the helmet rolls down to Thel’s feet. Thel looks at the shocked Mandalorian’s and holds up the still ignited Darksaber, raising both of them and cheering, Both Sides raise their weapons in harmony.

KO

Mae: “Damn Star wars can’t even catch a break here 0-3 feel bad for the next match up that happens for star wars here”

L.O.T: “Despite their appearances this match up was actually extremely close almost becoming a tie and before we get into the stats being, Durability, Arsenal, Equipment, Speed and Experience we gotta talk about their biology as Strength isn’t really need for this fight but it should be brought up at least once and yeah Arbiter is superior in this way due to being able to ragdoll augmented super soldiers while Mando is mostly a regular dude behind that suit, Speaking of suit we need to talk about their durability”

(Note: Hi it’s me the writer while not game changing just randomly 3 days before the script came out it was found out a regular elite can backflip kick a 270 ton spartan up into the air with a single kick of a leg… Note that the Arbiter is stronger then regular elite’s so take this as confirmation that he is indeed much stronger than Din.”

Mae: “So we’ll come back to their armor again during equipment but their armor actually makes or breaks their durability and it’s a point for Mando so let’s go over base durability and then armor, As Mando can survive multiple explosions or even lightsaber strikes while Arbiter cannot survive explosions from the likes of Plasma grenades, You’d already know that if you played Halo 2… Fucking hell those things are more deadly then the flood, But while the base durability is for Mando what about their armor? Well Mando’s got that covered due to the fact Arbiter’s armor is relying on shields which is great for over time but doesn’t mean he can tank as much damage then Mando who can tank a lot more hits and more devastating ones at that, It also doesn’t help that Mando’s armor is made for combat while the armor that the arbiter wore at least during from Halo 2-3 was made for suicide runs and even his new one has a massive weakspot with an exposed arm So durability goes to Mando”

L.O.T: “Though speed was more interesting as it would be one of the winning factors, The winner needed to be on a quicker draw right? Well yeah duh but you may think since Arbiter is dodging Plasma and not lasers while Mando is very clearly dodging lasers he should get the speed category and actually no, We failed to mention this in previous star wars matchups but the blasters in star wars aren’t lasers, Well in legends they are and apparently FTL but Mando isn’t in Legends nor are we covering legends and in canon they’re specifically plasma weapons meaning they’re essentially the same by weapon dodging… expect for the Arbiter, We’ll ignore the fact Arbiter is on par of speed with Masterchief who can travel through space easily and can react 300X faster than a normal human because it doesn’t really matter here what does matter is the fact the Arbiter can dodge the M6 Spartan Laser which is firing a laser which is straight up a laser putting Arbiter at FTL, Not to mention how Din is constantly out manoeuvred by faster characters like Ashoka meaning Arbiter takes speed

Mae: “Another winning factor is their arsenal and both are fairly close and keep countering each other, Carbine and Beam rifle counters Amban sniper, Plasma pistols and Needlers counter DL-21 and IB-94 pistols, Plasma grenades with Thermal detonators and of course Energy swords with the dark saber and Beskar spear but Arbiter did have a more deadly arsenal not to mention more skilled in using them as the darksaber doesn’t really work with him, They’re like co-workers hating each other behind their backs, Arbiter just has more weapons with secondary effects like Plasma pistols emp pulse, needlers pink mist, The gaps in the energy swords being able to disarm the darksaber not to mention THOSE FUCKING PLASMA GRENADES I HATE being more deadly due to their sticky nature, Plus the Arbiter’s weapons could genuinely damage Din’s armor or catch it on fire with a flamethrower while Din’s attacks would get absorbed, Arbiter takes Arsenal”

L.O.T: “Though Equipment was another story as they were basically neck and neck, The shields saved Arbiter over time while the Beskar saved Din from the plasma blasts, Din has a jetpack but Mandalorian jetpacks can get damaged fairly easily (for example Jango’s Short circuited at the geonosis arena after being smacked) While Arbiter has camouflage and is generally more sneaky allowing him to get some sneak attacks while Din has a heat signal in his visor allowing him to see the Arbiter while clocked but Arbiter has a tracking device allowing him to sense anyone nearby making Din’s attempts on stealth null, Both could win this honestly but the counters they both provide are way too big and it’s a tie”

Mae: “And honestly same for experience even if Arbiter has a slight lead, Both are from planets that are honour and combat bounds, Their kind learn to fight before saying Mama and Papa so backgrounds are a null point so what about age? Well both are around their 40’s Yes Arbiter is around his 70’s but in human years it’s 40 plus a lot of that time was commanding armies not in direct attacks since he was a ship master and was supposedly one of the elites who killed or watched Noble six die but he’s taken on entire armies but so has Mando, Hell their opponents are around the same level, Like the flood for Arbiter and Jedi’s for Mando both are extremely experienced so in good faith we cannot give one to the other even though arguments can be made for both like the Darksaber training hurting Din’s experience or something from a Halo novel, Experience is a tie”

L.O.T: “Din was a deadly opponent especially with his Beskar armor and comparable Equipment and experience but unfortunately Thel had better Speed and a better Arsenal to make the Mandalorian’s whistling birds stop singing”

Mae: “THE WINNER IS THE ARBITER”

NEXT TIME:

A photograph of Morioh is shown with 4 pixels covering something in the mountains

Chapter Text

Mae: “Being chased down is one of life’s greatest fears even if you know it or not, Sometimes pursuing someone can become your greatest downfall instead”

Maria: “Like in the case for SCP-096 or “The Shy guy”

Mae: “Or Tooru the Locacaca (lol) researcher with his friend Satoru Afkeu or the wonder of U”

Mae: “His name’s L.O.T. And my Name is Ma- …wait who the fuck are you and where is my co worker??”

Maria: “Oh yes well your “colleague”

Mae: “I don’t like those quotation marks ma’am I don’t like men >:(“

Maria: “I wasn’t… wait Your friend is a guy? Anyways your friend has agreed to take a day off in the foundation since you’ll be talking about secret information. I'm here to make sure you’re not spilling anything unneeded. And to make up for an incident at site-19…”

Mae: “this entire intro is unneeded but alright… yeah sure uh 096 vs Tooru time”

Don’t look at Scp 096’s face:

Maria: “In a small village, a few miles from the Chinese border, a young man, let's call Jack. Jack exits a tavern and is ready to climb mount everest, Eventually reaching 8000M or the dead zone, His head races back to the warnings the old man in the tavern about the dangers of the mountain and “The king” but he doesn’t have time to think as another hiker walks towards him the two lock eyes, The other hiker just stares and causes Jack to freeze up but not in the traditional sense he felt warm and relaxed but that’s the thing he isn’t supposed to feel that way unless death was approaching. Jack tries to walk away but he finds himself stuck and standing still, And after a conversation with the figure or “The king” as he describes himself he summons a massive mountain side forcing Jack to climb it, This happens again and again and again like some sick joke, The Kings red hot eyes burn into Jack’s mind. This goes on for years and while Jack is kept alive his body changes loosing his hair, Becoming Taller, More skinnier, his limbs stretched and as he looks upon the king who is contempt with his actions, Jack cries and covers his hands and screams”

Note: (SCP has hundreds of canons and is complicated so this origin story may not be true or half true who knows)

Mae: “That is the story of SCP-1529 and our focus today, SCP-096 or the Shy guy. Now what is an SCP you ask? Well I’ll let the conveniently found member of the foundation tell you”

Maria: “An SCP stands for Standard Containment Procedure Or our Foundations motto Secure Contain Protect, We die in the dark so you can live in the light. These are in place for anomalies that are under our care, They range from Safe, Euclid and Keter (There are more but I’m not authorized to mention those) These anomalies are rated based on two factors, How deadly it is and how easy it is to get into containment for instance 999 is safe due to the fact it’s completely harmless but also is allowed to roam free and others like 682 in Keter are extremely dangerous and also a pain to get back into containment, Which leads us to our star of the show, The Euclid class SCP-096 or better yet known as previously stated The shy guy”

Mae: “Now while getting 096 is fairly easily just drag him into the box again, The reason why he’s Euclid class is because he’s one of the most deadliest SCP’s out there or well the more grounded ones, Luckily though 096 isn’t a hostile monster, He’s not even a monster he just wants to be left alone and to cry in a corner because if you see his face your fate is sealed, Doesn’t matter where you are he will find you and kill you, Even if you only see his face by 4 pixels.”

Maria: “096 has repeatedly broken out of containment which is sealed by multiple thick layers of solid steel doors including his box and massive concrete walls, Say you’re like in Japan and look at him, He’ll break through all of that and run straight to Japan. You may ask “What about the oceans?” He doesn’t care one time he ran straight down into the trench of an ocean to kill the people inside the submarine, For context the Submarine was 10,800 Meters deep and remember Mount Everest? That’s only 8,800 Meters Tall and by the wall the human body can only travel 335 meters into water before the ocean starts to crush them, He’s also reached speeds from 35 Km/h and an unknown triple digit number though this differs based on distances, Only took him an hour to reach that trench from earlier and can outrun miniguns, helicopters and jets. If that’s not insane enough for you 096 has survived so many termination attempts it’s nearly tied with 682 who has an attempted termination every other day because I swear to 343 the Scarlet king deserves the pits of hell for creating that thing, 682 has basically survived everything we can throw at it, INCLUDING 096”

Mae: “Yeah during a test 096 and 682 fought and guess who came up on top? Zero Nine Fucking Six. Yeah the indestructible Lizard suffered a 27 hour long constant onslaught by 096 and suffered losing 85% of it’s total body mass, Now 682 does change sizes a lot like becoming the size of Saturn out of spite but it’s body mass should dwarf that of 096 and this thing takes acid baths, 096 Only stopped due to 682 adapting to it (Which is a topic for another day ;) The only other SCP too really defeat 682 is 173 the living statue who kept snapping his neck and pretty sure made 682 traumatized 999 who is related to-“

Maria: “HEY HEY NO CLASSIFIED INFO, But yeah 682 did lose to 999, Heh still have that laugh stuck in my head but the reason why we bring 682 so much is because he’s the 2nd most powerful SCP in our logs, At least in our opinion. HE'S LITERALLY SURVIVED BEING ERASED, And even 682 couldn’t kill the shy guy. 096 Has constantly had bullets fired into him, had an anti material rifle shot at him, Survived being lit up by a Gau-19, Bones are completely indestructible and survived Acid being poured onto them by 682, survived half his torso being blown up by an anti tank rifle, Survived Site-19’s nuke going off and most impressively and most annoyingly SURVIVED BEING LAUNCHED INTO THE SUN”

Mae: “So yeah 096 actually managed to leap into space for 2 years and reach the D-Class in space who saw the photo of 096, Of course killing the D-Class but also locking 096 in the sun For a year straight until a few weeks ago and I quote “The sun is moving closer” …This is straight up insane, So not only was 096 able to survive the temperature of the sun for a year straight but also caused such a ruckus inside it that it was moving it towards earth… WHAT AND HOW”

Maria: “Eh when you work in the foundation you just learn to say sure why not, It makes zero sense but luckily we have 2 termination successes of 096, One being where 001 or When day breaks completely melted him, Basically the Sun becoming a laser which is funny considering what we previously went over though he died trying to save a blind girl, 001 did show that not every scp is out for blood, Especially the likes of 096 who finally got his wish, A friend to look after even if it was for a short time. The other attempt required a 173 sample breaking 096’s bones and injecting acid into it.”

Mae: “Oh great the only way to kill him is unconventional and a magic sun great…”

Maria: “Well those were the more… Let’s say Humane attempts at termination for 096.”

Mae: “Yeah sure “Humane” Says the people who have a femur breaker on stand by”

Maria: “It’s sadly a needed containment procedure, We wouldn’t do that if it wasn’t required.”

Mae: “Well at least I have this picture that I’ll burn because I ain’t risking 096 finding us and getting him to Galaxy level I’m not buffing that dude.”

Maria: “I mean we were gonna burn the pictures later but yeah, Just don’t look at 096 or else.”

Dr Daniels: “Four Pixels caused all of this? Four Fucking Pixels.”

Tooru causes a new Age of Calamity:

Mae: “So in Jojo there… Wait uh”

She pulls out a list that extends to be as long as her body

Mae: “Uh huh… Okay, Well we’re fucked Jojo part 8 is extremely confusing so buckle in, Jojo has 2 main Universes, Parts 1-6 are Universe A and part 7, 8 and 9 are in universe B pretty simple right? Well Universe A is still a thing in Universe B as well the Jojo’s still exist but also part 8 is basically a complete counterpart to part 4 Diamond is unbreakable as multiple characters especially the main one resembles characters from part 4, Like Jojo is fairly confusing and weird but there’s some shit that can be easily explained like the pillar men who while are not confirmed to be Rock people in this universe are fairly similar, They both are rock organisms that hibernate, desire the world or Za worldo (Standard to make that joke at least once) but there is one Rock human more infamous and important then them all and it’s in the title and you already know the fight so- Tooru (Or Toru)… Just Tooru no last name”

Maria: “Tooru was as stated before a rock human. A rock human who was abandoned by his mother out in the wild and somehow was able to continue his development for 17 years inside a wasp nest, Mae is all of Jojo this weird?”

Mae: “Maria you fucking work at the SCP foundation YOU GUYS LITERALLY HAVE GOD AND A SACK OF POTATO DIMENSIONS NEXT TO EACH OTHER.”

Maria: “Sheesh nevermind, Anyways he later on became a member of society in the town of Morioh- Wait if he has no last name or birth certificate how did he become a member of society or even get a job?? But anyways he was later spotted planting a Locacaca fruit in a pot we’re gonna mention the fruits now because it’ll get confusing if we mention them later”

Mae: “So the Locacaca fruits are a strange, mysterious type of fruit that have some kind of healing properties as curing the stone disease from a dog or more accurately say you’re perfectly healthy but you’re missing an arm well with the Locacaca fruit you can instantly regrow it! The problem is that these fruits operate on equal exchange so you like that healed arm? Well say goodbye to a leg”

Maria: “Though the fruits aren’t the only thing Tooru is looking after, the other is Elvis Presly. Now why would he be so chill well it’s because he has the best protection ever with his good friend and stand and also named after an Elvis song. The Wonder Of U or WOU, Now WOU is incredibly interesting due to it’s ability to cause calamities. If someone starts pursuing Tooru or somehow WOU Calamities will start to befall the person, these Calamities are extremely deadly and especially the closer you get.”

Mae: “Wait how the fuck did a rock get a stand?? What are the criterias for a stand? Can bees get stands? Are they also small as bees or… OH uh now we never covered Stands so just for a quick rundown for them is that they’re spiritual beings that are unable to be seen from the regular eye but these stands are despite being able to interact with the real world are bound to their user’s but not WOU, He’s a different kind of stand a free stand being able to walk around anywhere anytime not to mention being hella smart but we all know why we’re here it’s time for an in depth explanation for everything on CALAMITIES!”

Maria: “While I did explain them briefly they are much more complex and interesting, So think of the show Murphey’s law. Anything bad that CAN happen will happen but take that and crank it to a million! Wonder of U essentially manipulates the laws of physics and reality to turn probabilities into reality but much more deadly, Say you decide to pursue Tooru but you gotta write a letter first well now that Calamity is active that Pen’s mechanisms will shoot out and stab you in the eye, Impossible? Yes, But that’s just how Calamity works and it only gets worse from there”

Mae: “This “attack” if you can even call it that has unlimited range. You can be on the other side of the world and they’d still reach you! Though there is a small weakness that being both Tooru and WOU cannot control which calamities happen so they’re basically gambling which calamities will hit you either way I think a Semi-truck hitting me is gonna hurt as much as a dumpster being lodged into my skull… I think, Also there’s multiple types of calamities like Projectiles (Pen example) Making nature or buildings collapse around you, Making your body a target for cars, exploding you, internal organs, petrification and just death, Like you just die as long as you can die by it, These and any calamities can happen, And there’s a radius and while I can draw it most of the people reading this are on AO3 so fuck, Think of a radius the closer you get the worse so say you’re far away like in another side of the world (In this comparison we’ll say Tooru is in Japan and we start off in America) the calamites are gonna be like getting burn from coffee or breaking your arm while clapping, Now say you’re closer like in Europe the calamites are still gonna be less servere but still deadly like final destination shit, But once you get to Japan you’ll experience stuff like Rain that each droplet hits you like a bullet, Leaves on tree’s acting as knifes, Car’s flying at you, The ground opening up, And if you’re close to Tooru like 1 km away from him well you get the picture”

Maria: “Even if that doesn’t work well then WOU has 2 tools up his belt to help those being… Okay Mae this is why we have the Anomalies listed under numbers not this shit… theres…”

She squints her eyes upon reading the names

Maria: “Do do do, De da da da and Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da… what the f-“

Mae: “Eh don’t swear it we’re in a text format when this episode ships out no need to worry about the pronunciation, But don’t judge these little guys just yet because they are vicious in both name pronunciation and abilities, For simplicity we’ll call the Do de and Ob la, Do De is a small rock insect that eats animals and can shoot out asbestos (Yum) with it’s stinger alongside a venomous poison”

Maria: “And Ob La is a mosquito on steroids it will literally suck out all the blood in your body and can multiply at it’s own will becoming the reason why Spring is better then Summer though their greatest abilities minus calamity is the fact they’re genuinely extremely smart being able to run a smuggling company for Locacaca fruits for 17 years, being able to actually figure out medical work and knew how to stay hidden for 87 years!”

Mae: “But there is one thing stronger than Calamity and that’s the author who states that Calamity itself is the strongest force in Jojo history according to Jojolion volume 27’s author note”
Maria: “Jesus Christ how did they even stop WOU?”

Mae: “That’s the neat part, They didn’t! More so stop Tooru as remember the stand has free will so while WOU was disconnected from Tooru Jouske was able to pull off some weird Jojo shit involving bubbles and actually hit Tooru, but for how Tooru died? Well remember those fruits? Well equivalent exchange baby, Tooru ate a fruit that gave him the stone disease and finally put him and Kaato down for good. That’s just how Jojo works Bullshit and confusing shit and it’s great, Thankfully though Tooru is now dead and the world is better off without him”

Maria: “And Wonder of U? Well he was erased from life by Go beyond Jouske's stand and all was good with the world…”

Mae: “Well until part 9 happens but that won’t be forever so we’re safe”

Maria: “…part 9 came out in 2021 what do you mean”

Mae: “. . . oh just end the analysis already”

Mae looks down in shame as the analysis comes to an end

Tooru: “Calamities make no distinction between right or wrong. Honestly, even I don't know what's going to happen to you. But the one thing that is certain is that you will die very soon.”

————————-————————-
ANALYSIS OVER, TIME TO FIGHT.
————————-————————-

Mae: “Alright the fighters are set, We’ve researched all we could, Now it’s all up to them”

Maria: “Time to find out who can prove their worth and enter the winner’s circle.”

——————
PRE CHASE:
——————

Tooru sits down on his chair relaxing after just waking up when suddenly a envelope slides through under the door

Tooru: “Hm? Wonder of U could you. Ya know”

Wonder of U walks towards the envelope and reaches down and picks it up

WOU: “No signs of toxins or anything, Just a regular blank envelope, It’s addressed by no one and to no one”

Tooru: “Hm… Think it might be a trap?”

WOU: “Only one way to figure it out”

Wonder of U opens the envelope as the paper tears open a polaroid photo slides down towards Tooru, He picks it up

Tooru: “Hm, A Locacaca fruit farm? Wait what’s that thing in the red circle? Hey Wonder of U could you…”

Suddenly Wonder of U is gone

Tooru: “huh… Well he probably won’t be long, I guess I can just relax today”

He crumples the picture and throws it into his garbage can and plays a song (Aka Euclidean Calamity by Flingpastladders)

While in site 19

Random researcher 1: “Hey did anyone get permission to test 096 today?”

Random researcher 2: “Huh? No not after the massive breach recently all testing has been closed off for scps like him, Why?”

Random Researcher 1: “Well I’m getting some motion detected into his box, He might be active?”

The sounds of researchers scrambling to get cover and scrambling goggles while guards walk near his cell ready to fire while WOU floats above

WOU: “So this is what called me here… All the way in America, Let’s see how you handle Calamity.”

————
CHASE:
————

096 screams in his box it shakes violently, He suddenly begins to run at one side, The guards waiting are shocked to see the box actually working for once, It holds still until the second slam where 096 breaks free, Gunfire slam into 096’s skin but the Scp trips and falls onto the ripped box cutting open his skin, He screams louder which causes a screw to come loose on his box and makes it fall over him.

Random Guard: “…wait are our procedures actually working for once?”

The same guard doesn’t speak again as 096 gets up even more angry and throws the box at the guards and breaks through the solid concrete wall

WOU: “Hm… Interesting”

WOU floats towards 096 following him, The flow of Calamity hits 096 as one of the alarms that went off by his breach shatters and stabs 096 but he’s unbothered by the glass shards, Suddenly the facility starts loosing power as the cells open, A loud booming laugh from 682 is heard before the sound of a door squeaking open full of guards open fire at 096, But as usual 096 slaughters them with WOU looking in interest but suddenly the door collapses and falls onto 096 crushing him.

Meanwhile in Japan Tooru walks through the streets unphased listening to music, He decides to drop by a restaurant and orders some food

Tooru, Internally of course: “what’s taking him so long, He should’ve been back by now, Unless maybe… no i would’ve felt him being destroyed, Where are you Wonder of U?”

Meanwhile back at Site 19 in America

Scp-096 pushes the door off of him, Annoyed he rushes towards the end of a hallway and smacks a guard back whose gun shoots as the holder is knocked back, The Bullet hits a fire extinguisher and then Suddenly a fire extinguisher is launched into the air and slams into 096’s skull, A clear crack is heard, But the fire extinguisher flies off into a random room, 096 continues to run off after all that’s all he knows, The man who looked at him Must Die.

WOU: “Watch your step.”

A pipe rolls down and breaks 096’s feet, He screams but instantly heals from it and runs more and more, Suddenly 173 comes out of nowhere and snaps 096’s neck

WOU: “Well that’ll do it… Anti climatic but isn’t that all life is, And so Calamity must flow once again”

As he prepares to leave he hears a familiar scream as 096’s neck is suddenly fixed, He screams at the air, Acknowledging WOU or a second which makes WOU confused before 096 runs towards the exit but suddenly the fire extinguisher that went into a room slams into a button that explodes all the nuclear warheads that was inside the room it flew into, Suddenly the room is filled with a bright flash as multiple warheads go off blowing up Site-19

WOU: “Hm. Well I doubt he’d survive that”

Soon as he says that 096 lunges from the cloud of smoke and onto the ground while WOU sighs

WOU: “Of course… But this creature if he can survive the flow of calamity then he is something else, Truly a creature worth studying. But it looks like we have some unwanted followers.”

A pair of helicopters start to follow 096, They fire their machine guns at him to zero effect but suddenly one helicopter’s blades come loose and fly at 096 and impale him while the other helicopter is suddenly dragged by a mysterious force and crashes into 096 causing a giant fire

Meanwhile back in Japan

Tooru walks past a CD store eating a donut as he walks towards a lone tree humming alongside some Elvis songs

Meanwhile back with 096

The debris are pushed as 096 pushes through them and starts running towards the Pacific Ocean, All he can see is an endless road very few things in his way and fewer life around him his vision blurs as he focuses on one way until suddenly a oil tanker swerves off a nearby highway and crashes into 096 crushing him instantly. 096 is then engulfed by a ball of fire as he screams he slaps the air around him trying to extinguish the fire on him but he eventually stops and just goes back to running, A trail of fire spreads across the American border as 096 rushes across it, A lone man wandering the desert spots 096 only to be slaughtered instantly, A shelf being carried by a plane above 096 falls onto him. Soon 096 enters the American coastline he’s swarmed by getting bounced around by cars.

Wonder of U, Slowly appearing next to him in curiosity: “How much more can you take until it all comes crumbling down I wonder.”

Suddenly rain starts pouring as bullet holes form in 096 who screams as a building crumbles down onto him with little to no effect, Nearing the coastline of the beaches of the city Wonder of U sits down and places down Do do do, De da da da and Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da down onto the ground, Do do do De da da da spat out Asbestos which formed a sort of trip wire while it planned for 096 and Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da hid on a pile of sand waiting for 096 to step onto it.

WOU: “If this doesn’t stop him then…”

Suddenly Wonder of U disappears as 096 approached closer, By now Do Do De Da Da had created a ledge and fired it’s Asbestos into 096’s mouth who tried to scream but the Asbestos closed his mouth shut, In agony 096 couldn’t see the trip wire of Asbestos it made and tripped over it slamming his head onto the sand where Ob-La-Di crawled onto his head and started chewing, 096 ran to Do De Da and grabbed it as the insect tried to run. 096 Slammed it’s hands together smushing the insect meanwhile slowly his skin was being eaten and pulled apart by the rock insect, 096 ignoring it ran into the water heading straight for Japan

While in Japan Tooru pauses his music as WOU reappears

Tooru: “Oh finally there you are. Took care of the problem I presume?”

WOU: “Sadly incorrect, Whatever you did triggered something that is resisting calamity”

Tooru: “Wait how?? How the hell is that possible”

WOU: “I’m unsure but it’s safe to assume we need to prepare for the worst, Though I do have a plan.”

Tooru: “Alright let’s hear it.”

Transition back to 096 underwater where suddenly after crossing into Japan’s border the ground below starts to shake as the ground opens up, 096 is hit straight in the middle of a magnitude 10 earthquake hits him, He screams as the Asbestos has washed away by now, His bones crunch as the earth tosses him around unknowingly though it makes 096 slam into a pile of rocks killing Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da instantly but 096 has no time to react as waves carrying him around thrashing him around slamming his body against every rock until 096 pushes through and finally runs ashore on Japan, But something is wrong as the ground starts to rise a bit as barrier unit 32 which was guarding the sector around 2399 comes online around earth and fires a battery at 096

Tooru: “Everything ready?”

Suddenly a massive explosion hits 096 wiping out the small town it was in

WOU: “We have no choice now.”

Despite the huge explosion they can hear screaming and WOU recognizes it…

WOU: “Go, Now!”

Tooru: “Shit shit shit”

Tooru hops into a van and drives off as 096 enters the area, Screaming his prey is so close

Tooru: “Where is it Wonder of U?!”

WOU who appears next to him in the passenger seat: “The Locacaca has been planted into the plane just gotta keep driving Tooru”

Tooru swerves around trying to make his way to the airfield as 096 is swarmed by fallen leaves which slice his skin like blades, Eventually they reach the airfield where a 2 propeller plane sits, Tooru hits the break making 096 slam into the Van knocking him back onto the ground before Tooru drives over 096 and then full speeds into the gate and jumps out of the Van

Tooru: “Come on come onnn.”

096 screams as Tooru gets onto the plane, WOU just observes noticing the chunks of skin healing and no signs of asbestos anywhere, A slow sign of regret forms inside him before following Tooru, The Plane sputters as it starts up and flies away but 096 jumps onto the plane tearing pieces of it’s hull apart as it climbs towards the cabin screaming, He slowly but surely reaches the cabin door and tears it off, Tooru tries to punch the Scp away but he feels a tug on his leg but suddenly a strange energy pulses in 096’s chest, While grabbing onto Tooru’s leg 096 is pushed back by mysterious force and is sent flying into a propeller exploding it on impact but taking Tooru’s left leg in the process, Tooru screams in agony as the plane crashes but WOU was able to shield him last second, The foundation arrives on scene they all point their guns at Tooru who eats a Locacaca fruit which causes Tooru to scream as one of his arms explodes and his missing leg is healed

Tooru: “You all could’ve helped me… Yet you did nothing.”

A E-11 was about to speak up but they all hear screaming… 096 who barely has any skin left lunges from the forest and chases after Tooru, Tooru tries to run but trips down and stares at the foundation personnel look away. Tooru begs and screams for the foundation personnel to help, Crying as 096 brutally beats at his body, The E-11’s can do nothing but stare in horror saying nothing as blood and rocks fly across everywhere, Suddenly only one scream is left… And then a muffled crying as 096 smashes Tooru’s head into the ground, Shattering it… The E-11 units wait a bit before moving in and preparing to put a bag over 096’s face for containment, The last thing 096 sees in Japan is a strange and ethereal being looking at him… yet not activating his rage state.

Termination Attempt #76: Failure

SCP-096 was able to breakthrough calamity itself and instead terminated SCP-9011-B. The scene was cleared up and a very costly repair and Anesthesia was handed out to the public. For 9011-A itself? We’ve yet to find it though considering it’s nature I doubt we’d be able to contain it.

LOG END:

KO

Mae: “OH THANK FUCK THE GROOMER DIED but that was… I- Well that was… Confusing?”

Maria: “Eh not really 096 had a fairly sizable gap against Both Tooru and WOU Let us explain it’s a very simple and short conclusion. Scp-096 could fight off 682 for 27 hours straight and break solid steel with ease while Tooru is mostly just a dude in strength, And you get the idea, So why is this a match up in the first place? Well duh it’s fun but also the main question was if 096 could even survive the calamites at all? Well yeah but let’s go over that”

Mae: “Okay so first off let’s go over the smaller things like intelligence and Tooru and Wonder of U take this fairly easily, It’s not that Scp-096 is dumb it’s just that while 096 is triggered he enters a state of frenzy that basically puts him a one way bulldozer anything in it’s path would be destroyed though this also means 096 couldn’t really out smart Tooru, Another thing is 096’s nature, WOU or Tooru would have zero idea on how it works or how it can be stopped as information like that is kept away from the opening meaning they wouldn’t really be able to find a way to stop him. But the million dollar question could the calamities even penetrate 096? Yes 100% stuff like that would indeed pass through the first layer of skin but that’s really where it ends, 096 is in nature unstoppable not even a nuke would slow it down or any calamity would slow him down/restrain him not even the rock bugs would have any lasting effects thanks to his regeneration so the Asbestos would just not really effect him but mainly 096 can only die if his skeleton is destroyed and as stated by the foundation, Said skeleton is [Title card] …we’re doing that gag that’s like 2 years old at this point anyways everything on Earth has been tested on 096 and has had ZERO affect ”

Maria: “Sadly to our own work, And the On Earth part as Calamities are by it’s nature well Natural only using what is available and the only ways 096 has been terminated is via unnatural ways like 001 or very specific ways that calamity has no way of performing aka getting a 173 sample into 096’s bone and dropping acid into him, The Calamities just had no ways of putting 096 down not even launching him into the sun would work as he’s survived that and nukes”

Mae: “Well could 096 do anything against Tooru? Well yeah of course, 096 could damage 682 and fight him to a stalemate, Breach containment multiple times which involved breaking through solid steel which as you can guess is much more harder to do then breaking through a couple of rocks, Now one answer 096 couldn’t solve is Wonder of U itself but the thing is this fight isn’t 096 against WOU it’s against Tooru so the fact 096 couldn’t kill WOU doesn’t really effect the fight not to mention that WOU is a free stand, He couldn’t really help Tooru especially against the physical prowess of 096.”

Maria: “While Tooru had the smarts and better experience he just came up short. It was a long and tiresome chase but 096 had the speed to find Tooru, Had the invincibility and regeneration to survive the calamities, While Tooru was extremely intelligent and cunning alongside the destructive capabilities of the calamities they did not hold up against Scp-096, Looks like Tooru couldn’t contain and secure his win against the shy guy”

THE WINNER IS SCP-096

Next time on Cross versus:

???: “Starsssss.”

???: “You have no future.”

Chapter Text

NEMESIS VS THE MAGICIAN (Resident Evil Vs House Of The Dead)

L.O.T: “Nemesis, The Type-1 tyrant from Resident evil”

Mae: “And Magician, The synthetic monster by Bioreactor from the house of dead series”

Mae: “Ah Zombies… Love em or Hate em, these undead monsters have cemented their place in pop culture, But what happens when you give Zombies absolute power? Well you get these two”

L.O.T: “Well Magician isn’t really a zombie but- We’ll get to that”

Mae: “My name’s Mae I’m ya host and with me is my co host L.O.T. and it’s our job to figure out these two fighters and see who would win in a duel to the death”

(Note: The movies will not be used to make points as I respect myself too much to watch that shit)

You’ll be dead by daylight around Nemesis:

Mae: “Ah the umbrella corporation, The root of all evil”

L.O.T: “Lemme guess because they caused a zombie apocalypse?”

Mae: “Nah Capitalism and Corporations just suck I ain’t paying $80 for a leader class figure fuck that but the zombie part too yeah”

L.O.T: “Well technically they aren’t zombies at least not ALL of them were. Some were BOW or Bio organic weapons were extremely dangerous and deadly, a little too dangerous for the government's liking as the United States declined them, Unfortunately for them the Umbrella corporation went behind their backs and made the Bow”

Mae: “100% there was a board member who wanted to make a pun on calling them Bow’s, Anyways eventually some of these Bow’s were made into Tyrant’s not the dictator kind but the monster kind and no Tyrant was more deadly than the one, The only Nemesis.”

L.O.T: “Only one problem, S.T.A.R.S. Kept foiling their plans even killing T-002… Are we back at the SCP foundation”

Mae: “Fortunately no though Maria will probably send us to 504 again if we keep mentioning it so what is the T-Virus exactly? Well we need to explain this as it ties into Nemesis himself”

L.O.T: “The T-Virus isn’t Testosterone which is why Mae actually seems comfortable having needles of this shit laying around” (Mae in the background flips him off before saying “I’d rather become a zombie then undo my progress!”

L.O.T: “Fair but the T-Virus or the Tyrant Virus is an insanely deadly virus strain that mutates the infected person into deadly bloodthirsty zombies, There are multiple types of zombies like regular boys, Pale heads, Lickers, Zombie animals, Drain Deimos and the most profitable one (according to the US government) the Hunter’s, Unlike the superior Zombie virus Green flu Hunters these are massive reptilian monsters, But there’s a reason why they shot down the chances for the BOW in warfare.”

Mae: “They’re extremely dumb, Despite these zombies being stronger then a regular human being technically super solider’s I don’t the US government wanted their solider’s to just start eating random people and licking them, Or maybe they do who fucking knows”

L.O.T: “Now what also makes this more deadly is not only is there zero feasible cure or the fact if it enters your bloodstream just even by a bit it’s already over as it spreads fast it’s deadly because thanks to Dead by daylight he can straight up summon them”

(Note: We’ll only be using DBD for abilities not feats so no 5D Nemesis, Thanks Vecna)

Mae: “And it’s all thank to the T-Virus or more accurately the eponymous virus which he can use to grab things, strike things, or as said before summon zombies, or he can take regular zombies and infect them making them way more deadly and yes it would work on other kind of zombies as the T-Virus can spread to everyone including already dead ass zombies, This is actually how those mutation zombies are made. Even if he doesn’t wanna strike you with tentacles he’s still got a massive arsenal that he uh… we don’t exactly know where he’s getting this shit, Could be Caches, Could be shoved into him but the more likely answer is someone just airdropping them for him because the Umbrella corporation is just like that”

L.O.T: “He’s got Rocket Launcher’s, Flamethrowers, Gatling guns, and more importantly his suit or the limiter suit, It not only serves as a stylish bulletproof suit but also a way to keep his mutations under control as his mutations are wildly unpredictable and deadly, Like remember how before he was already extremely strong being able to shatter concrete walls and catch missiles with his tentacles? Well after his limiter coat got destroyed he became even more deadly becoming more powerful and with more tentacles to boot which he can control separately due to having an actual intelligence unlike most B.O.W.S.”

Mae: “Though there is a problem with this second form we need to go with whatever is stronger, The remake or the Original and I say the Remake as while he loses out on his tentacles he becomes way more nimble, Able to ambush Jill at a bridge and is overall more feral and blood thirsty then his second form in the original, Now his third and final form is a little… weird to say the least after being submerged into highly corrosive materials where he becomes… well least to say he makes the potatoes in the back of your cupboards look like angels, He becomes this giant melted flesh mold of… well flesh still being able to attack with his tentacles but without the ability to move at all”

L.O.T: “He can easily bust through doors and walls, Destroy Train carts, He’s stronger then previous Tyrants and humans like “Imma punch a boulder Chris” Can dodge bullets and rockets point blank which move at 295 MPh, On par with Leon who can dodge lightning and Ada who is able to dodge and react lasers from that cursed laser room… Has survived Gas explosions, hits from railguns, a lesser Tyrant survived 6 rockets, and the big one that damn Tornado feat. During a fight with William Birkin in the Manhua comic they were able to kill a gravedigger which usually are 10 meters in length. Killing this Gravedigger (and others) caused a tornado to form, Now thanks to Landon’s blog for this calculation but the tornado formed by this clash should be roughly 1.8972 tons of tnt!”

Mae: “There’s a reason why we never mentioned the Gravediggers during the zombie section, It’s because they’re literally not sentient and Nemesis wouldn’t be able to work with them unlike the others or even be used as fodder as they’re way too big. Though as tough as the Nemesis is he does have few key weaknesses due to being a video game boss, Like his weapons having fairly noticeable weak spots especially for his flamethrower as if it’s tank on his back is destroyed it’s gone forever or how he has limited ammo for every weapon and more importantly his mutations, This is why he has the limiter suit on.”

L.O.T: “Yeah because as strong as those mutations are they cost a lot of mass and hold Nemesis down and as said before are unpredictable and uncontrollable meaning his body is literally being overtaken by it including his mind turning what little intelligence he had into nothing and plus his final form literally turns him into a giant immovable pile of flesh that can’t really attack minus his tentacles and at the end of the day he’s a video game final boss so you bet Jill stuck a railgun inside his mouth and blew him up!”

Mae: “Luckily though Nemesis is fully dead though there might be a chance of his Re:Revival (ayyy) with Resident Evil 9 taking place in Racoon city after it was nuked but if it’s stated to not be the original Nemesis then we won’t have to worry about this aging like milk”

L.O.T: “And for good reason too because who knows given more time what Nemesis would transform into. But with Racoon city nuked and the Umbrella corporation gone it’s likely we’ll never see this monster of a mutant ever again.”

Mae: “ALSO FUCK MY BROTHER FOR SPAMMING HIS ROCKET MOVES IN MVC3”

Carlos: “Hey fuckface!”

A rocket flies towards Nemesis who catches it with a missile and throws it a taxi

The Type-1 Monster that doesn’t like typing, The Magician:

L.O.T: “Doctor Rudolph Curien was born on June 11th 1947 being from a fairly rich and wealthy family aka he was a noble, Oh God we’re discussing nobles again?”

Mae: “No Noble as like actual nobles, not the ones from fire emblem. He doesn't have a crest (as far as we know) and in 1980 he, Caleb Goldman and Thornheart made the organization known as… The Thornheart Organization real creative there guys, Unfortunately for Rudolph his son, Daniel got extremely sick and tried making a cure that’d heal him eventually it did Cure Daniel. But in the process it also made some “Creatures” but let’s be blunt they’re Zombies though there are two other genes he made, The Wheel of Fate and our topic. The Magician Type-0.”

L.O.T: “While he was seen as perfect he was not complete and placed into an incubator for the time being, Even when Curien released his zombies he didn’t release the Magician until being cornered when he unveiled his masterpiece”

Mae: “One problem the Magician did not give a single shit who made him and killed Curien with single fireball. Though fortunately the AMS agents Thomas Rogan and… G? WHO THE FUCK IS NAMING THEIR KID G THATS LIKE NAMING YOUR KID A BUNCH OF SYMBOLS OR- …fuck a person did that of course, Anyways thanks to them they were able to combat the Magician and kill him.”

L.O.T: “Wait what?? Why are we even discussing him if he died this short lived??”

Mae: “Well that’s because this dude won’t stay dead being the most recurring boss in the franchise appearing at least once in every game as a cameo at the very least minus in 3 because just a few years later during the zombie apocalypse in Italy during the year 2000 the Magician would be revived by Goldman, Hey remember him? Well like any capitalist he decided to steal the research that Curien made including the Magician who agreed to act as a body guard for this dude as thanks for saving him and help in the infected take over Venice (hehehe) France”

L.O.T: “Wouldn’t last long before Goldman was attacked by the AMS again and blew up The Magician… Again”

Mae: “Poor dude. He keeps getting blown up :(“

L.O.T: “Wouldn’t be till House of the dead 4 Special we would see him again. This time getting a major boost in power and a twist, It’s revealed that the zombie attack was released by Goldman but was actually controlled by Magician but is luckily put down for good (For real this time) before he could harness the power of the pandora’s box… Unless you suck and got the bad ending where he’s able to use it and take over the world. Finally we can get into his powers starting with the zombie horde, There are around seven types in general with each being stronger than the last.”

Mae: “Also note that two things, One we won’t be discussing the bosses and two the zombies can survive having their heads blown off Now you have your standard plain old zombies with the A-Types, Being Sam Neil and Cyril, With Cyril being the strongest resisting headshots and can also throw axes at you. Then there are the B-Types Kageo, Bourbon, Ebitan A and B who are very situational. The C-Types being Samson who uses a chainsaw, Beantly who uses his fat to smack you with his belly and Burner who just burns you with a blowtorch. D-Types being the strongest physically like Simon who can throw people with ease, Gilmore with his sledgehammer, Harris having a ball and chain, and Robert who thinks he is the winter soldier with a bullet proof arm.”

L.O.T: “Then you have E-Types like Rubin, Drake, Moody and Palor who has an unlimited supply of daggers and lasers and considering the Magician is faster then the players who can dodge it and fire before the lasers fire should make Magician around FTL at a maximum, Not much is known for the House of the dead lasers so we don’t really know if it’s a star wars situation, and then we have F and G types which are fairly useless dying in one shot minus Saruzou who’s just a monkey, With the plentiful amount of zombies under his control out of the way what does the Magician have himself?”

Mae: “In terms of defence he’s pretty kitted out having a bulletproof armor around him, Which is funny considering how you beat him, By just shooting him. Though he does tank some grenades and these guns are no joke being able to destroy large ice structures and other bosses who are weaker being able to tank rocket launchers”

L.O.T: “Doesn’t even come close to his equivalent/Arsenal he has the ability to fly, hover or just float which allows him to move so fast he leaves after traces of his images behind, He can also shoot down Skylasers and can also absorb and control energy like how he can control the entire house of the dead zombies and his best ability Pyrokinesis, These bad boys can be summoned whenever and honestly however and just smack you, There isn’t really a limit on what they can do.”

Mae: “Though his best piece of equipment is the pandora’s box where not only does it grant them infinite stamina and immortality, but like a saiyan if the wielder dies when brought back they’ll be instantly stronger and harder to kill like the Zenkai boost not to mention getting adaption against whatever killed them before, And during the bad ending of House of the dead 4 where the magician mastered it allowing him to create duplicates of himself and destroy all life”

L.O.T: “He’s also the strongest creature in the franchise putting him above regular zombies who can destroy doors, lift cars and steel walls which is actually backed up by him destroying a massive reinforced steel wall, stronger then empress who cut through an entire train cart with a chainsaw, Temperance who can destroy entire buildings and pass through city blocks by just rolling, and the world who created a massive ice dragon out of pure air”

Mae: “Though while he’s impressive he’s still mortal, And a video game boss meaning standard weakness bullshit especially how House of the dead works he has massive weak spots especially underneath his armor his skin is fairly vulnerable not to mention the pandora’s box can be destroyed with ease like say with a single grenade though that time area to destroy the box is short and very precise, And also the fact he dies multiple times isn’t helping him there”

L.O.T: “But again he is a fairly tactical genius and would find a way and can just cover his weak spots with pure energy like how the sky lasers can act as barriers. Honestly it doesn't really matter as the Magician will just burn his opponents with blistering speeds and take over Venice by lunch.”

Mae: “Thank God we were able to get through this without watching the movies… dodge a fate worse than death”

Magician: “You have no future. Either I get you or the emperor will. Either way your fate is in our hands.”

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ANALYSIS OVER, TIME TO FIGHT.
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Mae: “Alright the fighters are set, We’ve researched all we could, Now it’s all up to them”

L.O.T: “Time to find out who can prove their worth and enter the winner’s circle.”

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Pre Fight:
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In the streets of Venice (Heh) zombie’s roam around knawing on their own flesh as the Magician floats above a freshly killed Agent G who held the Pandora’s box.

Magician: “Ah finally… now I can-“

Suddenly a rocket from a helicopter flies past him, confused he see’s a umbrella corporation symbol on it as it drops a ton of weapon caches and multiple massive crates though one crate is bigger then the rest, All the crates minus one open the doors revealing zombies, lickers, hunters and deimos specimens rush out while a loud growl is heard from the back of the largest crate as it slams wide open revealing Nemesis who picks up his flamethrower and roars at the Magician

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Fight:
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The horde of zombies chase at one another biting and knawing at their skins, a Charles bellyslams and horde into a tanker causing it to explode, Then a Hunter Y bursts through a wall and kills a horde of A types like Neil until Nemesis himself comes barrelling through the hordes of both his zombies and the other zombies picking them up and throwing them around. He picks up a Cyril and uses him as a bat by dragging him around and smacking other HOTD zombies with a Cyril’s body before throwing it at Magician who just dodges out of the way and chucks a fireball at Nemesis causing the mask he wore to burn aware revealing his face, Nemesis stared at the magician and got reminded of his training

Nemesis: “Stars…. STARSSSSS”

Magician: “Oh so you speak, Didn’t know that they even allowed that.”

Magician threw a fireball at Nemesis who slaps it away and fires his flamethrower screaming STARRSSSSS

Magician: “I have no idea what you’re talking about, But if you wish to see stars…”

He pulls out the Pandora’s box and makes his zombie army attack Nemesis

Magician: “So be it.”

The A-B and C type zombies immediately run up to Nemesis jumping onto his body and starts chewing his skin but Nemesis flings some back by just smacking them back, Some zombies eventually stop and start attacking the others just by being in contact with the T virus, Nemesis is eventually able to shake them off and burns them all by using his flamethrower that’s destroyed by a Gilmore smashing it’s backpack but being exploded in the process the Nemesis shrugs this off and picks up his minigun and fires at Magician who uses a skylaser to act as a barrier to avoid the minigun fire.

Magician: “Destroy his equipment, Now!”

A surge of energy flows throughout the arena as now 80% of the HOTD zombies lunge at Nemesis, a good chunk are blown apart by the minigun while the rest are able to latch onto the minigun but can’t do anything about it due to the barrel spinning, Nemesis keeps laughing and firing until a “chik chik” sound is heard as a zombie disconnects the main ammo rounds from the minigun, Said minigun’s barrel is sliced by a Burner who managed to sneaked in and cut it off with his blowtorch but is then crushed by Nemesis’s boot, He chucks the Minigun at some of the zombies and uses his tentacles to infect a couple HOTD zombies making them attack their own teammates, Suddenly one of the HOTD zombies picks up a car and chucks it at Nemesis who manages to catch it and throw it at another side of zombies, Meanwhile Magician blasts a good chunk of Resident Evil zombies away with fireballs until a licker comes from behind and wraps it’s tongue around Magician’s neck and lunges at him causing him to crash down into the streets and making him drop the Pandora’s box.

Magician: “No!”

While Nemesis picks up his rocket launcher he smashes a poor Rubin who got in the way with it and blasts multiple hordes while screaming

Nemesis: “STARS STARRSSSSSSS”

Magician then pointblanks blasts the licker with a fireball causing it to explode, The Magician quickly grabs the Pandora’s box but is then blasted by a rocket and dragged towards Nemesis by a tentacle and hanged upside down in front of Nemesis by the feet who breathes in his face

Nemesis: “Starrrrsssss”

Magician: “Is that all you can say you oaf?”

The Magician summons a skylaser to slice off the arm holding him allowing him to break free alongside the rocket launcher, He then moves around above Nemesis leaving after images and shooting fireballs while Nemesis’s arm regrows he shoots out multiple tentacles and manages to hit Magicians face, Damaging part of his mask causing it to crack, Nemesis then runs up and kicks Magician who is sent inside a bus, He groans but Nemesis drags him out the bus starts pummeling him and uses him as a bat like weapon against the undead hordes, Crushing a pale head by accident, He then tries to infect Magician but he has another plan, Magician then summons a large fireball in front of him causing a point blank explosion making Nemesis fall back, He then hits Nemesis with another fire ball making Nemesis be sent flying into a wall, A massive explosion is formed as Nemesis is sent back from the fireball, Crashing backwards and backwards until crashing into a tanker which explodes

Magician: “With that done with… Alright creatures how about we wrap this up”

Suddenly a barrage of tentacles slam towards him but the remaining A-Type zombies jump into his way absorbing the blows for him but dying in the process suddenly Nemesis now in his second form charges at Magician, Leaping from building to building and chomping on a leg of the Magician before being blasted away by fireball, Magician grunts before suddenly Robert jumps up out of nowhere and slams his robot fist into Nemesis who’s head is knocked to the floor but quickly gets up and chomps down onto his foe shaking him violently like a chew toy as Robert’s body is ripped apart, Nemesis is then blasted by a sky laserband fire ball, His skin singes but his missing body parts regrow and he charges at Magician once again killing everyone and everything in his way but is stopped by a Samson digging into his mass with a chainsaw but is quickly swatted by a Hunter B, Nemesis then lunges at Magician and tanks a fireball, He grabs onto Magician and chews on him bones crunch until Magician screams “ENOUGH!” And summons sky laser upon skylaser to strike Nemesis down who falls into the ground, Below an old lab with an acid bath which Nemesis falls into, Nemesis roars as the acid is washed on top of him, Suddenly massive tentacles burst from every direct grabbing a hold of every single zombie and dragging them into his mass as he grows to the size of a city block and emerges from the ground below and screams, Magician sighs and pulls out the Pandora’s box

Magician: “No time like the present.”

As he opens a swirl of energy surronds Magician which catches Nemesis’s attention and suddenly he strikes at Magician with a tentacle that is suddenly stopped as it’s sliced off by lasers from a group palor’s that are soon crushed by a tentacle, Nemesis roars and tries stop Magician but suddenly

Magician: “Your future has already been written!”

As the Pandora’s box is opened a swirl of energy surrounds Magician and creates a shockwave that parts the clouds, While Nemesis fires his tentacles at Magician multiple clones of the Magician appear and blow them up with fireballs

Magician: “And in the future. You have no future.”

Suddenly a light blue energy surrounds Nemesis’s body

Magician: “Now die!”

Multiple massive skylasers strike into Nemesis who screams as he is burnt and blown up, Chunks of his body are sent flying as Magician just laughs and flies away throwing fireballs at the cities and dragging the zombies alongside his clones, The world falls into ruin in less than a month later

KO

L.O.T: “Died by a laser in canon and died by laser again in a fight”

Mae: “This was a fairly close match. Both had surprisingly a lot of counters towards each other especially with their zombies so we’ll be covering this in eight points. Speed, Intelligence, Experience, Arsenal/Equipment, Durability, Attack Potency, Abilities and Their zombies. Let’s go over speed first shall we?”

L.O.T: “Both had blistering speeds and could be argued to FTL with cross scaling as Ada who scales to Jill in speed could dodge lasers and Nemesis can charge to be faster than her while Magician could scale to the agents who could dodge his sky lasers and move so fast that he leaves after images but there was a few things holding Nemesis back.”

Mae: “First off Nemesis couldn’t exactly dodge, Think of him like a train you set him on one track and he’ll barrel down it extremely fast but he can’t move anywhere else not to mention his speed would degrade at the end of the fight while stuck in his third form, Plus it’s hard for Nemesis himself to dodge anything at all as he likes to tank attacks so his speed wasn’t doing much, Point for Magician.”

L.O.T: “Though Intelligence was a lot more difficult to figure out without the right pieces until it all clicked together, Say Nemesis is Einstein levels of smart and Magician has your average reading comprehension of a pokemon/deltarune fan, Magician would still win this because of one factor, Again his other forms severely damaging his brain, By his second form he becomes feral and animalistic just operating off of survival instincts and his third/final form… Yeah you get the idea but thing is Magician is 100% more smarter thanks to him controlling the undead’s invasion of Venice Italy, He led an entire army and controlled them thanks to the Pandora’s box that is far above anything Nemesis has in terms of Iq or battle Iq, Easy dub for Magician.”

Mae: “And experience was a little more tricky as we don’t (at least any we could find) have an exact number on how long both were active for, Though we can get an estimate Magician was alive for 5 years before the events of House of the dead 1 and was freed during the events of the game which took place in 1998 and House of the dead 4 which takes place in 2003 is the last time we see Magician though there is a problem with that so in total we should have 10 years of experience right? WRONGGGG Because for 5 of those years he was in an incubator until being released in 1998 and killed the same day only coming back in 2000 and then again in 2003 so at most we can give him a couple weeks of active experience while the most likely answer is mostly a couple days at the actuality while Nemesis is even more unknown only being stated to be active before September 1998 while Resident evil 3 takes place late 1998 meaning in terms of closeness this is the closest stat gap we’ve ever had with Nemesis winning with at least a month of active duty and also fighting more skilled opponents, Nemesis just barely wins Experience and making history for the closest stat gap in Cross versus winning out by a week at the most.”

L.O.T: “So what about their arsenal and equipment? Well at face value Nemesis should have this right? Well nope and it’s all thanks to one item, The Pandora’s box, This damn box changed the goddamn game, Sure Nemesis has a lot more weapons but they all have extremely noticeable and exploitable weak spots and can only use them at the start before being forced into his second form, But more importantly the Pandora’s box is busted, This gives you infinite Stamina, Can revive you from death and make you stronger and only has one weakness being that if used you have a 8 second window to destroy it with a grenade, Problem for Nemesis is that the Pandora’s box is a last resort option and no offence to his tentacles but they never had anything on par with a grenade in terms of AP and finally when the Magician fully absorbed it he took over the world wiping out all of humanity meaning none of Nemesis’s attacks at that point would have enough power to destroy a pandora’s box infused Magician, Point towards Magician”

Mae: “And Durability was a fairly easy one to find out as the Magician while having bullet proof armor does not have bullet proof skin and can be killed fairly easily given enough time and can only really be scaled to a single rocket launcher while Nemesis can be scaled to another boss who tanked 6 of those rockets, Survived being blasted by gun fire and explosions constantly, has a regeneration ability that Magician doesn’t and becomes more tanky in his final form so easy point towards Nemesis”

L.O.T: “Unlike Attack potency which was a lot more difficult to figure out as Nemesis’s arsenal definitely had enough power to outshine anything Magician had… Until you get to the Sky lasers and Pandora’s box boosts, The sky laser works similar to an orbital laser which should output a similar amount of tnt as the tornado that Nemesis formed against his fight with William Birkin’s and even if not the Pandora’s box boosts would surely match that level of destruction, There are way too many if’s and buts too actually come to a full fledged conclusion, This category is a tie”

Mae: “And Abilities was much more… well let’s say unique as it gave Nemesis a major boost as thanks to how his virus works he could potentially infect and disable Magician as the T-Virus could still infect other Zombies and while the HOTD virus (Seriously we have how many games and movies and spin offs yet no name for the virus??) works extremely well it only works on the dead which means it wouldn’t be able to combat the T-Virus, More importantly Nemesis could just do that weird infecting thing (Like his ability that gives you a weird head not infecting you with the virus regularly) Is a major wincon as it would just kill Magician and his mind basically turning him into a mindless… ZOMBIE OH FUCK YEAH I GOT TO USE THAT TERM IN AN ACTUAL PROPER WAY!!”

L.O.T: “…And while she’s doing that, The HOTD virus wouldn’t be able to free Magician from his control and also Magicians own abilities don’t stack up to that all he has is flight and pyrokinesis meaning Nemesis takes Abilities meaning the score is 1 tie, 3 Magician and 3 Nemesis meaning whoever gets this last point is the winner.”

Mae: “They already saw Magician win let’s just go over their zombies, We scoured the wiki’s for each creature they’d reasonably have and decided to come up with… more categories oh jesus this conclusion is taking a long time, We got Strength, Durability, and Virus let’s go over strength and try and make it quick”

L.O.T: “So in terms of strength it’s in in no contests that the HOTD zombies blow the resident evil zombies out of the water, While regular zombies can break down doors and the strongest ones could damage steel and whatnot, HOTD Zombies do that on a daily, The regular zombies can break steel doors down and lift entire cars up by themselves easy point for strength”

Mae: “Same is for durability, While both can survive their heads being blown off only one of them can survive being blasted by armor piercing rounds instead of regular bullets, The guns the house of the dead cast uses against the zombies is way more powerful than anything the Resident Evil cast used, Not to mention there’s more durable zombie types in HOTD so point again for them”

L.O.T: “And finally Virus, Honestly while both are deadly there’s a clear winner in this category being the T-Virus, The HOTD virus only effects the dead but the T-Virus infects everything even already infected people meaning there’s a good chance that the T-Virus would be able to override a lot of the lesser HOTD zombies due to them not really having a defence system, The more deadliest virus is the T-Virus, But this means it was 2-1 for the categories meaning HOTD zombies take this win”

Mae: “Meaning while their Attack potencies were fairly close and Nemesis had the better experience, abilities and durability it came short to Magicians far better speeds, intelligence, arsenal/equipment and zombie army it looks like Nemesis won’t be RE:Viving from this one”

THE WINNER IS MAGICIAN

Chapter Text

V VS COURIER SIX (Cyberpunk 2077 vs Fallout)

Mae: “You know what sucks?”

Maria: “The entire sun blowing up?”

L.O.T: “The end of times approaching slowly and slowly?”

Mae: “I was gonna say a vacuum but… jesus you l two need therapy (Wait why the fuck is Maria back??) But another thing that sucks is being shot in the head.”

Maria: “Oh like Courier 6 from Fallout New Vegas!”

L.O.T: “Or V from Cyberpunk 2077?”

Mae: “Yep, Both Mercenaries growing up in a post apocalyptic world and surviving a bullet to the head they must embark on a quest to not only fix them wherever it is shooting the bitch that shot you or getting actual help”

Maria: “But both no matter what had lasting impacts against the people they met and the world they lived”

Mae: “And who will be strong enough to take their place in the winner circle of Cross versus”

L.O.T: “Now since both are rpg protagonists who have different builds depending on what you do we’ll be giving them everything, every stat and every perk which is possible in new Vegas just gotta grind a lot but not in Cyberpunk 2077 where you can only put 60 points into your stats not 100 so we’ll break this rule in order to put them at their best with that out of the way.”

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ANALYSIS STARTED
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The Courier is ringading ready for some action:

Maria: “War… War never changes in 2077 October 23rd the world or more so America fell into total chaos as nukes went across the entire nation sending it into a post apocalyptic state.”

Mae: “Luckily some people were able to see it coming like Vault tec who built well Vault’s to shield people from total nuclear armagedon or just toy with them (Ignore the fact that they’re the second/first most likely individuals to launch the nukes) but one man was able to see the nukes coming and spared his city from the nukes, Enter Rob-Co’s Ceo Mr house. Now this opportunity Mr house loved due to the fact he can build his own army with his securitron’s, One problem.”

Maria: “In order to make his robots more effective and able to put up with scavengers who try and remake the US government and what not he would need the Platinum chip, Now second problem his courier and every other courier died due to being nuked and it wouldn’t take until 2281 that the Platinum chip would be recaptured by another courier, And you guessed it another problem, This courier would get to New Vegas and be a couple Kilometres away from Mr House, This problem now is being shot in the head.”

L.O.T: “Being shot by none other than Benny or Benny as I like to call him, Luckily though the courier would be saved by a robot named Victor and Doc Mitchell who would try his best and patch up the Courier’s situation and would do a pretty good job… Unless you just use the Fallout 3 engine to make some freak of nature, Ah old Bethesda charm never gets old.”

Mae: “Luckily for this Courier we’ll be using cheats and all his S.P.E.C.I.A.L. Stats will be put to 10 and given all perks so no scene of Mitch saying he fucked up fixing your brain if you give the courier low intelligence.”

(Note: “While we’re using maxed out characters to make things more even and to see their best possible potential, The Courier canonically has stats being STR 4, PER 6, END 7, CHA 6, INT 6 AGI 5 and LUC 3)

Mae: “Now as we never really discussed it in Frank’s analysis aka the last fallout fight we did S.P.E.C.I.A.L. Is Fallout’s stat distribution Strength that allows him to punch deathclaws heads clean off, Perception for better VATS (Vault tec Assisted Targeting System) accuracy and accuracy in general, Endurance allowing the courier to tank more hits from rockets, Charisma for uh… well let’s just say the only real use for it in this game is just Sex like straight up also companions, Intelligence for better XP but can also be used for hacking and getting into terminals, Agility for faster running and more chances for VATS and Luck for… well Luck! Too bad the Courier didn’t spec correctly could’ve avoided being shot in the head”

Maria: “Ironically enough the Courier was lucky and set out to confront that son of a Brahmin who shot him in the head, It would be a long and dangerous road or well 90 hours of doing side quests before going to new vegas”

L.O.T: “Alongside this journey he would fight off multiple enemies like Ghouls, Feral Ghouls, Fiends, Raiders, Powder gangers, Robots Super Mutants and Deathclaws and whatever the wasteland would throw his way though none would stand in his way and these enemies were no joke being able to fire laser based weaponry which the Courier is able to dodge, Deathclaws which can break through solid steel and give Paladins a run for their money, Or even able to shoot mini nukes out of the air thanks to his trusty pip boy which stores his weapons, armor, chems, vital information, map, radio and allows him to access VATS which slows his perception down so much lasers are in slow motion.”

Mae: “Though after a long time Courier would confront and kill Benny probably with a lead pipe but this would give him not only the platinum chip but the best Yes man ever… Yes man though Courier would probably just give the chip to Mr house.”

Maria: “And so the Courier would (depending on your actions) give the Chip to Mr house resulting in… 1000 caps?? Bro that’s nothing! Fucking rip off”

Mae: “But the Courier’s job wasn’t done he would need to settle the fate of the wasteland (at least in New vegas) where if given by promotional materials he would side (thankfully) not with the legion but with the NCR though it won’t matter in this discussion. The Legion were tough taking over most of the Mojave wasteland but thanks to the Courier’s arsenal he would come out on top.”

Maria: “He’s got a vast amount of weapons and gear, Your standard Knife’s grenades and pistols but also Sub Machine guns, Assault rifles, flamethrowers, Tesla cannon, rocket launchers, Mini nukes which as the name implies are miniature nukes which can give off explosions worth around 1.77 tons of tnt, Laser and Plasma weapons which can vaporize people entirely or how about the automatic rocket launcher the red glare, energy based melee weapons, Anti Material rifle, Maria, Old Glory, Ranger Sequoia, Esther and his most deadly weapon. Archimedes an entire orbital laser that can well send down a laser and blow up anyone in his way. Though while these weapons have a breaking point he can fix them thanks to his tools and junk.”

Mae: “He can also heal himself with Stimpacks, or his other Chems like Buff out, Mentants, Jet which slows down time, or the stealth boy which turns him invisible but he doesn’t even need that thanks to his MK 2 stealth suit that not only turns invisible but can also dispense medical items based on his conditions and some rather interesting comments, He’s also got power armor, Armor so strong it can survive being smacked around by deathclaws, survive mini nukes and resist all kinds of fire, gunfire, laser blasts and radiation though he does need fusion cores for the suit to actually work and can be disabled if they fusion core is shot enough or hard enough, Though with that downside the upside is also immense strength like being able to punch deathclaw heads into meaty chunks.”

(Note: While NV came out in 3’s engine we’ll be using the 4, 76 and TV show’s version of the power armor as it’s more accurate as of now)

L.O.T: “Even if the Legion was defeated he wouldn’t stop there with Old world blues, Dead Money, Lonesome road and Honest hearts he would travel across the Mojave fighting to let go of his Poverty at the Sierra Madre in Dead Money.”

Mae: “Also killing homophobe Father Elijah #Veronicaontop, Also teaming up with Joshua Graham cracker to kill General gobbledigook leader of a raider, Invaded the big MT facility which made a lot of the enemies you fight in New Vegas including the fucking Cazadors and also gave the courier some fancy new implants like getting lobotmized and having a second brain made of tesla coils, or the Y-3 implant which allows you to consume water without consuming radiation or the base game implants which replace stuff like eyes for +1 perception or a brain implant for +1 intelligence, Whatever a hypertrophy Accelerator is for +1 strength”

Maria: “Well Hypertrophy is your cells so it’s literally expanding your cells but the best ones being NEMAN (spelled all caps) which boosts the courier’s defence by +4 getting basically bullet proof skin and if used with the toughness perk the courier will be at +10 defence while butt naked, And then there’s the PHOENIX implant allowing the courier to regenerate health over time, Though you’ll notice that we didn’t talk about Lonesome road yet that’s because that’s the end of the courier’s story, You see there was this place called the divide that survived due to courier’s giving vital equipment for their survival, That Courier being you until you delivered a package, This package activated the nuclear warheads underneath the divide exploding it and causing it to become an even more radiation filled wasteland with small enemies that will kill you on sight called Tunnelers. While it was an accident there was a survivor that hated you for it, another Courier Ulysses, The one who actually turned down the platinum chip job so you’d take it. The Courier would return and either kill or talk him down, Btw Ulysses is treated like an equal to the courier, He was a legendary scout for the Legion, Survived the Big MT only 3 people known to do so being Father Elijah and of course Courier 6, Destroyed New Cannan, Was the one who found the Hoover dam for the legion and survived the destruction of the divide, But fortunately the courier would (Hopefully it is his best ending) spare him and fight the marked men and not launch the nukes…”

Mae: “Unless you did a funny and launch them at the legion, But there’s one thing important about the Courier, He or they are unknown they’re a shadow they wander the wastelands only existing in stories, Who truly know what happened, who they sided with or more importantly Even existed.”

Narrator: “The Courier walked until they stood again upon the edge of the Divide. The last road they would walk before the second battle of Hoover damn. There beside their feet was a final package, From one Courier to another, a footlocker, bearing a gift and a message. But that message - it is something for Courier’s to carry and for them alone. The lights flickered across the divide reminders that the old world histories persist and find meaning in the present. It’s said that War… War never changes. People do, Through the roads they walk and this road has reached it’s end.”

V, Couple of weeks to live, Topples an entire Mega Corporation:

Mae: “Goodmorning Nightcity! The city of dreams where the deaths in the streets are your lottery numbers, the corpo’s rule with a chrome fist and your only escape are BD’s and the sweet release of death, or just becoming a nomad and leaving the city. You are stuck here if you’re born here, are a crime lord or a merc.”

L.O.T: “Just like the merc V but she wasn’t always a merc she was a street kid living in Heywoo-“

Mae: “What? What are you talking about she was part of the Bakker as nomad in-“

Maria: “Uh both of you are are wrong she was a corpo working for the mega corp Araska!”

Mae: “of course you picked Corpo… but yeah the problem with V is that their story is up to you and also started by you so uh let’s just ignore that, Born in 2053 October 10th and would start her merc Journey after meeting the best Choom of all time, Jackie Welles, the chillest Choom you’ll ever meet and lucky for V is the one who helps her move into her digs and also became her right hand in doing gigs and jobs an actual impressive feat as V at this point is confirmed not to have any cyberware or at least the standard ones as as she can still use her jack in link and gets a virus after saving Sandra Dorsett.”

L.O.T: “Which also leads into V, Jackie and T-Bug biggest job yet by one of the biggest jobbers Dexter Deshawn, The plan was simple V would raid and kill everyone in the Maelstrom’s headquarters (with barely any cyberware and bad ones at that) in order to get a flathead bot and to also get the apartments layout from Evelyn Parker, For what? Well they were gonna perform a heist of a lifetime.”

Mae: “One single problem, Dexter fucking sucked at his job not knowing when the HEAD OF ARASKA was coming “How was I supposed to know his schedule” idk man maybe because THE ARASAKA SHIP THAT HE OWNED ENTERED NC AND HAD AN ENTIRE CONVOY FOLLOWING HIM, Didn’t help that Adam fucking smasher was there as a personal bodyguard to the guy they were robbing, So yeah the Heist went south immediately and caused Jackie too die (RIP) and got V shot in the head by Dexter, Luckily for V right before this happened the item they stole. The relic was able to reactivate her brain but small problem with this as now she has a living terrorist inside her head or more so brain thanks to the fact Dexter is a bitch and used a low caliber bullet.”

L.O.T: “And more small problems arrived as V was diagnosed with not much time left to live disease’due to the relic rewriting her brain, Now who was on the relic? Well none other as 2023’s favourite rocker boy also known as Johnny silverhand who blew up Arsaka tower in 2023, And while their relationship was uh… not that well good or any friendship at the start V and Johnny eventually started to care for each other as they went on more and more journeys like taking down gangs of animals who are bunch of dudes injected with animal hormones who V can blow up their skulls with just a punch or surviving death… multiple times.”

Maria: “But V couldn’t do this without her massive arsenal like with sniper’s with Overwatch and Rasetsu which shatter and penetrate Adam Smasher’s armor which can withstand the top of a nuke exploding on him and his armor has gotten way better since, Knifes like just an entire box of knives she has so many it’s just that scene from Amphibia with Sasha and her daggers, Assault rifles that shoot fire with PSALM 11:6 or Rebecca’s shotgun which stop fall damage, Blades for days including the one from fortnite, Vibrating clubs, Rifles that shred through skin like tissue, grenades that explode, grenades that work as lasers or confetti grenades, or her signature Malorian arms 3516 who according to Mikes pondsmith “Effectively carried an anti tank revolver and considering it fires 10 rounds of .577 rounds being more than enough to blow someones head into gibs she can also flick this gun in order to cause an explosion that knocks foes back. Like seriously she genuinely has a shit ton of weapons not to mention cars with weapons or can just make your weapons malfunction with a quickhack even if it isn’t connected to wifi (don’t ask how) or how she can just cause quakes in the ground especially with the Sasquatch hammer or turn you into a weapon but just grabbing you and flinging you at enemies or my favourite into a wall or off a cliff.”

Mae: “Now while V’s outfits aren’t that great none offering any bigger advantages she does have perks and cyberware to take it up like being able to hack into cars, Slow her perception of time down, Become more agile, Able to reflect gunfire from every gun including ones that shoot out lightning, get more armor or Overclock her cyberware and has no limit on how much she can use quickhacks on like Short circuiting cyberware or just implants as people were able to hack into her without any actual cyberware, Reboot Optics, Damage hearing with Sonic Shock, Cause an entire system collapse or wipe their memory, Cause opponents cyberware to malfunction, Infect them with viruses Detonate their grenades, Cripple movement or her biggest 3 (Last one we’ll get to later) that being V causing people to commit Suicide and Cyberpsychosis which sends the person into a frenzy that can lead to just killing themselves, She also has cyberware like getting explosive resistances, Having a Epimorphic skeleton, Converts damage into damage back at the opponent with painducer, Self ice which prevents hacking, Reflux tuner which slows down her perception and according to it slows down time by 60% (Time talking about her perception she can’t actually stop time) Brhavioral imprint Synced faceplate which changes her entire look and can escape the NCPD though only till level 4 and most importantly second heart which allows her to survive being killed so if she’s killed once she’s right back up.”

“She can shoot grenades out of the air, Move fast enough to out speed cars, can survive being crushed by Adam smasher who can jump off a 620 meters/2030 feet tall building and survive similar falls plus being smacked by rockets daily and survive her cyberware being hacked via blackwall bullshit multiple times.”

Maria: “Alright let’s stop beating around the bush we need to talk about Phantom Liberty as V got a major buff thanks to it so SPOILERS FOR PHANTOM LIBERTY, so in Phantom Liberty V is sent a message from Somi or Song bird to help her and president of the NUSA (New united states of America) as they were suddenly hacked and sent crashing down into Night city but Somi detected she was heading straight into dogtown and needed help and while the ship did crash Somi was not only missing but also held a darker secret, You see Somi could access the Blackwall, The Blackwall is a massive firewall made to keep not only threats out but more importantly threats in. As a rouge AI can destroy and will destroy everything in their path and they’re fully conscious too but what Somi uses or more so is forced to use it for is far worse, By tapping into the blackwall she’s able to resist the effects and use it to not only create a hologram of herself far away which can also interact with AI’s like Johnny and even disable them, Though with that she can also completely corrupt you make you experience hell in 5 seconds before opening a pipe for blackwall rouge AI’s too seep into the targets hardware forcing them through whatever they want with their minds before igniting their entire systems on fire killing them… Kinda fucked up but it’s why Somi was so quiet about this power it’s way too powerful…”

Mae: “Luckily for V though she’s able to use it not only thanks to Somi helping her in an ending killing entire groups of NUSA soldiers with the Blackwal AI’s but also with Blackwall gateway from the Militech Canto which is a rouge ai so now V has 2 sadistic Ai’s inside her head great.”

Maria: “But it was in her quest to get the Canto she had to betray Song bird and also where the game turned into a fucking horror game, V was forced into an extremely long and confusing conversation, In the real world it was only a few seconds as we can still see the drill moving in the exact same spot everything is the same as before V contacted Somi and had an entire 10:30 minute conversation around in Somi’s mind, Yeah V’s entire perception slowed down so fast she was able to have an entire full fledged conversation and interaction in a second, But sadly that’s not where the journey ended as V either helped Somi escape the NUSA’s grasp by sending her to the moon or helped them capture Somi, Only one offered the cure to save her.”

Mae: “But in a cruel turn of irony V was left with nothing, Can’t use Cyberware without dying, No Money, No Name only a status a legend of a merc that not only took down the boogie man of NC, Fought and killed Kurt Hansen ruler of Dogtown, Fought of the blackwall and even survived hits from it, Took down gangs like Maelstrom down, Solved a Cyberpsycho epidemic but also saved countless lives and changed the entire world around her in just a month, V’s story isn’t about saving her world but herself and unfortunately for her she saved herself but at what cost…”

V: “If I gotta die, Rather fall into my grave, gun in hand and on fire. And not drag anyone down with me.”

Johnny: “Huh, you just discovered what it takes to be a legend. Grab your iron… Let’s mobilize. It’s time to party like it’s 2023!”

————————
ANALYSIS OVER
————————
Mae: “Alright the fighters are set, We’ve researched all we could, Now it’s all up to them”

Maria: “And it’s time to finally see who’ll come out on top!”
——————
PRE FIGHT:
——————

A rayfield drives through on the edge of the new Vegas strip passing by multiple dead legion scouts and heavily armed securitrons on a old and desolate road, Inside Johnny suddenly manifests next to V

Johnny: “Ughhh why are we out here again?”

V: “Because Johnny, We’re gonna find a cure outside Night city, Remember the whole conversation about that rich dude being able to save my conscious?”

Johnny: “Oh yeah forgot I was too busy not giving a shit. Anything you got to pass the time like idk a radio?”

V: “Choom we’re in the middle of butt fuck nowhere we can’t get a signal… Alright how about this Fuck Marry Kill”

Johnny groans as the camera pans out to a cliff nearby, The figure flashbacks to a couple days ago where the NUSA hired him for one job. Find the Merc known as V and eliminate the target, He sets up the Anti material rifle and waits…

V: “Jesus Christ Johnny I know you don’t care about marriage it’s just a hypothetical question to pass the time dumbass”

Johnny: “I know I’m just sayin-“

————
FIGHT:
————

Suddenly a bullet slams into one of the tires completely destroying it and causing the car to flip over multiple times before coming to a stop as it is lodged into a rock

V: “Jesus! Johnny any sights on the cyberpsycho?”

Johnny reappears and looks around: “Uhhhh oh on the ridge right in front of us.”

V: “Thanks”

She pulls out overwatch and fires a bullet at Courier 6 who fires at the bullet, The two collide with the anti material bullet going through the overwatches bullet but getting stopped and dropping on the floor, V groans as she pulls out the Rasetsu and both fire at the same time but this time the Rasetsu’s bullet cleaves through the Anti Material rifles bullet and slams through the rifles chamber destroying it

V: “Hah! Take that you-“

V’s celebration is cut short as Courier brings out the red glare and fires multiple rockets at V who dodges them by dashing away but not before looking at Courier as her eyes flash blue for a brief second, Courier loads up VATS and is able to get 3 shots in with the rockets, V narrowly dodges all of them until one hits near her allowing the final one to slam into her causing her to fly back over the rayfield, Courier’s about to reload when he hears a ting noise and the sound of one of his grenades hitting the floor and blowing up due to V using Detonate grenade exploding on impact and making Courier fall down onto even ground with V, Meanwhile both hide between cover healing up, V pulls out the pslam 11:6 while the Courier pulls out the survivalist rifle. Both immediately jump out of cover and fire at each other knocking, They both while get hit also loose their rifles due to them getting shot out of each other’s hands both grumble at that before each of them taking out a knife and running at each other, They slam their fists at each other before trying to stab each other both, Their knives dig into each other’s chest before both kicking each other away and pulling them out before V throws the Agaou Axe at Courier 6’s chest who stumbles back and recoils, Tearing it out of his chest and pulling out the blade of the east to counter V attacking him with the Errata.

V: “So, Gonna say anything or something?”

The Courier shakes his head before smacking back V and targeting her katana with VATS and smacking it out of her hands, He charges at her but luckily she activates her mantis blades and uses cripples movement on Courier 6 allowing her to get in a few swipes before being blocked by the sword of the east, Metal clinking is heard as both struggle until V uses both Reboot Optics and Short Circuit on him allowing to knock the sword away but also stabs Courier’s chest and lifts him up before Courier 6 pulls out the riot shotgun and blasts V away, He then equips A shining light in darkness and uses VATS to target V’s mantis blades eventually shooting one off and disabling the other, V uses Guts to launch herself towards Courier 6 and slams into him, They both turn at each other to shoot each other with their shotguns only for the pellets to knock the shotguns out of their each other’s hands, Courier 6 grabs a handful of Grenades and starts tossing them at V who runs around eventually finding

V: “WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU CYBERPSYCHO!?”

Both heal up behind cover and as V pops out she spots Courier 6 in the Stealth suit MK 2 with a Fat man launcher, He fires it towards her but she shoots it out of the air with the Malorian arms 3516 causing the mininuke to explode prematurely in the air

V: “…WHAT THE FUCK, IS THAT EVEN LEGAL?!

Courier 6 just shrugs and does a “so so” gesture with his hands before firing another at V who manages to escape the blast but is knocked down but her eyes flash blue, As he is about fire another one the Mininuke doesn’t fire due to weapon malfunction and V uses this chance to shoot it out of his hands causing the bottom of it to snap in half, The Courier sees this and activates Camo, V fires in the exact location he was in before but misses, Suddenly a Jet fueled Courier is able to sneak behind V and slashes her back, But suddenly V is able to react to the jet and shoots the courier, grazing his head but leaves a mark on the helmet, Courier goes back into camp again and again around V who takes out the Sasquatch hammer and waits.

V: “Come on you sneaking little-“

The Courier leaps and uncloaks ready to blast V with a shotgun but is smacked back by the hammer shattering the helmet which also allows V to grab onto Courier’s leg and chuck him across the field, He skids back, Trying to activate camo again but fails, He ditches the suit for his NCR Ranger outfit again and fires a shot from red glare making V fall back and miss a shot as Courier runs behind cover and cracks his knuckles getting into a suit.

V: “Alright let’s just end this quickly dude this has gone on long enough.”

Suddenly an old car is sent flying towards V who dodges it but looks as the Courier in a suit of T-45 power armor picks up the red glare again and fires a barrage of rockets towards V who shoots them out of the air and causes the red glare to malfunction, A rocket hits the chamber causing it to explode and blow up the red glare, The Courier shrugs it off alongside the countless bullets from the Moron Labe and pulls out a minigun and fires it at V who manages to duck and weave the bullets from it minus a few which makes her retreat and heal up

V: “Dammit last Maxdox I had… welp if regular arms fire won’t do the trick.”

She pulls out overwatch

V: “This will.”

A bullet is sent flying towards the Courier and explodes on impact causing part of the power armor to explode, Courier annoyed enters VATS and knocks Overwatch out of her hands and charges at her knocking her down, V grabs every melee weapon she has, She makes him with the golden bat which he just crushes, He lifts her up slowly, Her eyes flash blue as Courier’s ears start bursting and ringing from sonic shock causing him to drop V he eventually fights through it and he punches V causing teeth to fly out and equips the Euclid’s C-Finder and prepares to fire it at V who picks up the fallen Erata blade and stabs it into Courier 6’s stomach. The Courier grabs onto V holding her tightly, as a beep sound comes from his hand, Suddenly a group of lasers come down onto them as Archimedes 2 prepares to fire, V hacks into Courier 6’s power armor crippling his movement and short circuiting him allowing him to drop V as she runs away, Courier looks up and downs as many chems as possible holds his hands upwards in order to push back the blast but the blast slams down completely engulfing the Courier and causing V to be sent flying and damaging one her legs on a rock…

V: “jesus christ Choom… WHO ALLOWS YOU TO CARRY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!”

As the dust settles V spots the burnt power armor inside the crater. Completely scarred by the blast, She rests down until hearing the suit being moved as Courier 6 walks out of it and walks towards V, V tries to get up slowly but by the time she’s able to Courier 6 is able to shoot her left shoulder, She responds by shooting his left shoulder with the Malorian arms 3516, The two tiredly fight missing every shot until V pistol whips the gun causing a stream of fire to smack Courier 6’s face shattering part of the helmet, He responds by firing a shot from his Ranger Sequoia knocking the pistol out of her hands and smacking her face by throwing the ranger sequoia at her and upper cutting her face causing her fall back on the ground, Her eyes turn red for just a second, As V bleeds on the ground Courier 6 pulls out Maria and steps onto V’s stomach pointing his gun straight at her head and then Join us join us join us join us join us join us join us join us

V: “I’m sorry.”

Voices are heard by Courier 6 who looks around confused, Multiple voices getting louder as his brain is filled by rouge AI’s he feels his body twisting his eyes watering and his consciousness getting dragged away as he feels his entire internal organs are sat on fire, He tries to scream but in one quick motion… Silence other than his eyes bursting out with fire… The Courier drops dead, Not a word said or even able to look at the night sky one last time…

Johnny finally reappears: “Jesus V, Really? That’s how you killed him?”

V: “Johnny… not another word…”

V collapses laying down

Johnny: “… Hey at least you got some decent clothing to wear now minus my style of course.”

V: “Shuddup…”

KO

Mae: “And the one without a bullet to the head is… No one?”

Maria: “This one was actually pretty complex to figure out surprisingly you’d think with V’s time period she’d solo him but the Courier had a lot of tricks up his sleeves, We’ll be splitting this up into their S.P.E.C.I.A.L.(minus Charisma) Speed, Arsenal, Experience, and Hax.”

Mae: “But first off? Could V even handle the power armor? Well 100% Yes! V has not only handled similar foes like The Minotaur on a daily basis but also special ones like Adam Smasher or The Chimera and not only busted through their armor but these mechs at least Adam and Chimera can withstand heavy arms fire just like the T-45 which is also the weakest standard issue of PA but Adam’s previous armor could withstand being on top of a nuke, So the T-45 wasn’t a problem especially thanks to quick hacks like Short Circuit or Cripple movement damaging it’s internal systems or making it move slower as a snail.”

Maria: “With that out of the way let’s discuss their Strength. Perception. Endurance. Intelligence. Agility and overall luck, Starting with Strength. Now Base Courier doesn’t really have anything going for him, Yeah sure he can punch Deathclaw heads off but he needs equipment for that while V can punch Animals (The gang) heads clean off who are injected with insane amounts of animal hormones like horses and gorilla’s, Even without Gorilla arms she can lift up solid steel doors or again just cause quakes in the ground, But this comes into question what about the Power armor wouldn’t that out class her? Yeah kinda, Remember V is able to outclass Adam smasher and beat him but she is not stronger then him who should be stronger than the T-45 power armor not to mention Power Armor suits are meant to be immensely strong and lift things up while V is strong she is not power armor levels strong, Point for strength towards Courier 6.”

L.O.T: “Perception on the other hand was much more tricky to figure out as while Courier 6 could perceive lasers as if time froze thanks to VATS but so could V but the point of how much time froze for Courier is well faster while for V it’s really dependent like if you activate the laser grenade before or after activating the sandevistan so Courier 6 would win perception right? Well not really as V actually got a better feat as remember during Phantom Liberty she was able to perceive an entire 10 minute conversation with Songbird while only seconds had passed in the real world, Point towards V.”

Maria: “Next up Endurance, Now while Courier has survived things like being hit with lasers that can vaporize you and taken hits from deathclaws V has taken rockets, her cyberware being hacked which would be like your organs getting punctured, Survived being hit by blackwall attacks both in base game and DLC, Has survived multiple attempts that straight up would have killed her, and fighting off her body literally killing her mind and body over the course of a couple weeks and was completely fine mostly thanks to the relic being able to keep situations like that under control and it’s that reason why V never turned into a cyberpsycho the Relic was able to completely stop any attempts in order Johnny the new host would have an actual body but more importantly is their bullets aka the headshots they took who had the more chances of survival and V single handedly takes it as if not thanks to Victor and Doc Mitchel he would’ve eventually died and it’s confirmed that Doc tried his best fixing you but missed somethings implying Courier 6 wasn’t in any condition to get up and survive while V would or at least Johnny would, The Bullet V took was actually a smaller calibur which is why V was able to survive on her own for a bit passing out a bit but eventually Johnny would emerge meaning V’s body would survive allowing V to take the point in Endurance”

Mae: “Charisma doesn’t work here begone.”

L.O.T: “Well who was more intelligent? This was fairly interesting as we couldn’t really rely on game mechanics as both need speech checks and V’s intelligence stat goes to 20 she has proven to be uh… not really that smart sometimes falling for regular old tricks like taking obvious scams and being shocked the sand is hot despite being fucking born in the sand (at least for Nomad V) But V and Courier 6 also are able to hack into computers fairly easily and top of the line government ones as well and both operate in high tech science in basically every day both of them are intelligent enough to get a job… No seriously getting a job was a winning factor here at one point, Courier 6’s job as a well Courier was actually fairly reliable for their intelligence as he’d need to keep track of parcels and especially the ones needed to go towards the divide not to, V had a job in the corpo prologue before you know, losing it because of her boss. It’s genuinely hard to figure out a winner for this so Tie for intelligence.”

Mae: “Agility is more so taken at actual agility not speed as in this is the stamina case and both are fairly good at being athletic as both can cross their game maps in like an hour and 9 minutes for Courier 6 while for V takes around 2 hours but Night city is more… Well I guess busy and filled with buildings because everything isn’t nuked (Unless you do the Araska ending and Saburo lives and decides to get rid of the filth according to his data pad found after he dies) But V winning Endurance actually helps as remember those attacks on her body? Their literally tearing her body apart yet V still carries on not to mention V having way better mobility in terms of agility like dashing or double jumping or for some reason you use the leg cyberware to make yourself faster, V has also been able to do parkour and cross over massive distances with ease while Courier 6 has not. V Takes Agility”

Maria: “And finally Luck, who was more lucky? While both were lucky V didn’t really win out as she was more so lucky in terms of barley surviving and the president crashing right next to her as the Courier because Well fun fact this was won in the most dumbest way possible as while Courier should have a Luck stat of 3 we’re taking him at the best possible stats and as a completionist meaning Courier 6 would have all achievements… INCLUDING the one where you are banned from all Casinos because your luck helped so much you just drained them dry and stole their money, That is far more luck then V has ever had, Gambling allows Courier 6 to take Luck.”

Mae: “And with 2 points for Courier 6, 1 tie and 3 for V this means V takes Special. But what about their arsenal? Well while V had a more realistic and… interesting arsenal realism ain’t winning a fight especially towards raw sheer fire power like red glare, Helios-1 or Mini nukes, The only problem with some of these as they can be countered fairly easily as Mini nukes are giant projectiles which V has experience shooting down and the Helios-1 beam takes awhile to charge up and can only be used once a day but nothing V had could really counter his immense firepower and destructive capabilities. Courier 6 takes Arsenal”

L.O.T: “But who had more experience? Well both grew up in a post apocalyptic kill or be killed world, Both are around the same age (mid 20’s) and both have taken on impossible enemies like Adam Smasher or Lanius, Or fighting Mutated/Robotic Dragon enemies in around a month's frame time. Courier 6 does have the power armor training experience but V has hacking experience, both have experience in just doing jobs and while you can argue V taking on the military is impressive Courier 6 does the exact same, Both are neck and neck with their experience and with one boost comes another meaning Experience is a tie”

Mae: “But for speed it was fairly simple while Courier 6 could move fairly fast he couldn’t keep up with V who just was way more nimble and having a sprint button helps but also being able to speed past cars on foot by dashing and double jump is fairly impressive even if their speeds are similar not to mention with both being able to dodge lightning like attacks or lasers with the GASH anti personnel grenade for V and just laser guns for Courier 6 and both are light based attacks meaning they would be at a tie if it wasn’t for V just being more agile so V and for her being able to cripple his speed, V takes Speed”

L.O.T: “Though with their hax things could take a change with the pipboy, chems, different armor sets, stims, Courier had a lot but V had one thing, Quick hacks and more importantly blackwall gateway, Courier 6 had zero ways of not only countering them but also they took zero time at all and in a pinch V could just overclock her cyberdeck and force any hack she wanted or just hack the pipboy leaving Courier 6 stranded with no items or shut down his implants or cause his weapons to malfunction or cripple his speed and so on, V had a large leap in terms of potency for Hax that could not only force Courier 6 in different directions but also kill him on the spot giving V the final edge in Hax.”

Mae: “While the Courier was much more stronger, was way more Lucky, Had a better and destructive arsenal it wasn’t a match for her Perception, Endurance, Agility, speed and hax, Looks like Courier 6 is chipping into the afterlife.”

THE WINNER IS V

Chapter Text

MASTER CHIEF
VS
COMMANDER SHEPHERD

Mae: “When we eventually encounter alien life and if we’re invaded and pushed to the wall, who will give us the hope to persevere through the hardest times?”

Maria: “Like Master Chief, The one the covenant reveres as the demon from Halo.”

L.O.T: “Or Commander Shepherd, The… Shepherd of humanity from Mass effect”

Mae: “This is Cross versus and it’s our job to find their feats, flaws and weirdness in order to see who’d win in a fight.”
——————————
ANALYSIS STARTED
——————————

Do not underestimate the Master chief:

Mae: “The year is 2506 the insurrectionists were giving the UNSC a… well good ass beating, The UNSC was losing ground and needed a weapon or weapons. Introducing Dr. Catherine Halsey she believe the original spartan program could be used for this, She decided to reactivate the Spartan program, And with enough money and push she was able to get it off the ground in 2517, Problem is she needed volunteers and more importantly children as their minds are susceptible to change so she decided best course of approach was to steal over 100 hundred children take them from their homes and replace them with clones that died a couple days later, One of these kids, The 117th kid was named John or more known as The Master Chief.”

Maria: “Unfortunately for Chief he was a kid and was put through the most gruelling and tiresome training ever, A process that killed most kids and due to budget cuts he would be 1 of 30 kids to become spartan 2’s at least for the first bat-“

*Cue Sam-034 blowing himself up on a covenant cruiser on his first mission*

Maria: “…1 out of 29 kids, Luckily for Chief he had a fairly decent amount of weapons to fight back against the Insurgents well now Covenant but shhh also yes keep in mind that everything Chief does, He was supposed to be a weapon against human rebels which seems like over kill, Speaking of overkill he’s got quite the weapons to level the playing field, My personal favourite being the CE magnum which delivers absolutely devastating headshots that basically destroy shields instantly or well 2 headshots, The ever iconic MA40 Assault rifle firing at rounds, The BR55… Battle rifle which also shoots Burst rounds, Yeah bet the fellas at Misriah Armory were laughing their asses off at that, CQS48 Bulldog is a semi automatic shotgun while the M90 is the iconic pump shotgun that can destroy the flood in an instant, M7 smgs and are usually paired in two, The SRS99 Sniper can instantly kill foes upon headshots and this thing is so deadly I have witnessed brothers in arms kill each other for it in multiplayer and if you ever hit a ricochet and it bounces off the wall and kills a teammate just blame Tucker.”

Mae: “Or my personal favs the semi auto VK78 Commando rifle and the M739 LMG or The Saw, He’s also got some special weapons like the underrated M636 Sticky detonator, The M6 spartan laser which is clocked to fire at around 0.43X faster than light, The SPNKR being a rocket launcher with lock on technology and unlike Arbiter due to Chief’s situation in the story he’s picked up all types of weapons from fallen foes like the Energy Sword a blade of pure plasma, The Gravity Hammer able to send foes flying, Plasma pistols which shorten out Enemy shields and is ironically what killed Chief’s best friend, The Brute shot being an explosive weapon with a massive blade at the bottom of it, Skewer is a giant spike cannon that explodes on impact, Fuel rod cannons being basically the Covenant missile launcher, Type-25 Plasma rifles, Type-27 Beam rifle, Type-51 Carbine, Type-56 Needler jesus they love putting type at the start of everything. And his most deadly being the one’s scavenged from Forerunner’s Weapons like Scattershot, Boltshot, Binary rifle, Light rifle, incineration cannon which can disintegrate foes upon impact. Not to mention his immense amount of tools and gadgets like the grapple hook, an auto jacker, repulsers, a self destruct failsafe, bubble shields,Invincibility, Camouflage, Shields, Thrusters, Hardlight shields, Power drain, Frag, Plasma, Spike, Flame and Pulse grenades, and nifty radar.”

L.O.T: “But Chief is just one side of the coin a lot of what he could do wouldn’t be possible without Cortana or the weapon, It’d be false info to call her just a simple AI, She’s processed the entire knowledge of humanity in under 2 hours (For context Humanity is in the 2500’s meaning she had to process more than what we know, Able to hack other suits, freeze enemy suits via armor lock, track enemies and even hack way more highly advanced AI’s like the ones from the Forerunners basically ancient God’s though one problem she kinda was like ultron in the sense that the mind she was based off of Halsey was kind of not in a good mental state but unlike Pym who eventually got out of his bad spot Halsey never did but luckily for John Cortana would never hurt him, She genuinely did care about him even after she went to war with humanity, Kinda sad yet poetic that the AI that brought John’s humanity back was based off of the woman who took said humanity away also took his humanity away again, Dude cannot catch a break.”

Mae: “Again Luckily for John he would regain his humanity again thanks to Echo 216/Fernando Esparza and again the weapon/now Cortana 2.0 he would be able to survive delta Halo after being defeated by the hands of the banished awhile back but good luck getting the chief down when he has Survived re entry twice, survived a 30 megaton nuclear warhead point blank and was fine(Which is somehow lower then the red and blue teams best durability feat how the fuck do they have a better feat then the Chief??), Punched a 2 and a half ton banshee across a field in shadow of reach, lifted 66 Ton scorpion tanks, Can run up to 66 MPH almost as fast as the warthog or Puma if you’re on the rainbow like me Imagine a 6’10 foot tall super soldier running straight at you at 66 MPH forget a truck this is what Asgore should’ve hit Dess with! He’s also lifted 200 Ton Elephant… carriers? Or even leg press an entire mountain yeah the novels get weird, During shadows of reach Blue team had to go in Castle base in order to retrieve a cryogenic capsule for Halsey and while under it which is under Metachite Mountain the tunnels inside would collapse leaving Chief and Kelly trapped well Chief decides to just leg press the mountain keeping it from crushing them all while Kelly went to retrieve the capsule, The Metachite mountains are stated to be built out of a titanium mine meaning Chief lifted up around a Millions or even Billions of tons of Titanium while leg pressing the mountain.”

Maria: “I mean for God’s sake he’s killed enemies like the Prophet of Regret, Helping Arbiter kill the Prophet of truth, (The prophet of Mercy died via the flood so he doesn’t appear here) Took down the flood, Defeated The Didact, Took down 4 ODST’s at only 14 years old, Saved a bunch of grown adults at 15 years old via Forward onto dawn, Blew up countless halo’s and Escharum the banished leader on delta halo after Atriox kinda just poofed but he was just releasing the endless, Who’s the endless? Who fucking knows just wait for a novel to explain it… It doesn’t matter who he’s fighting against, the chief will always ask for a weapon and make sure to finish the fight.”

Master chief: “Our duty as soldiers is to protect humanity, Whatever the cost.”

Lasky: “You say that like soldiers and humanity are two different things, Soldiers aren’t machines they’re just people.”

Master chief: “She said that to me once, about being a machine.”

Will Commander Shephard control or destroy?:

Mae: “On April 11th 2154 Shepherd is born, While not much is known on his actual birth all what we know is he’d be the one to stop the reapers. And while this is a Rpg meaning again some stories are gonna be different like how we’ll only be using John Shepherd not Jane as why not.”

Maria: “Welcome to the world of mass effect or more so worlds as humanity by now has evolved past the point of living on earth and allowed humanity to fly into the stars allowing them to meet other races like the Turian’s who had a uh not so good first impression which kicked off the first contact war but luckily other races like the Asari and Salarian’s and with their help they’d join the galactic citadel though for one human their journey would start… kind of funny as Shepherd was the Executive officer of the SSV Normandy or just Normandy. While he didn’t know it yet the council and Captain of the ship saw Shepherd as a prime candidate for the first ever human to be a member of the spectres aka Space Black ops. While on their way to Eden Prime unfortunately for him he would be sucked into a massive conflict with the reapers and other space felonies.”

Mae: “I think putting the reapers in the same category as bandits and the such is such a lowball, Reapers are the embodiment of wiping the status of entire galaxies clean once every 50,000 years and unfortunately for us we would be selected to be wiped clean. But fortunately for us someone gave birth to someone who unironically says “Wanna bang?” Too every single person on his ship. He would have a… let’s just say interesting cast of members with his crewmates, now while his teammates change every mission due to story shit or being killed off he would form relationships with his right hand man Joker, The best pilot for the Normandy and would fly it into any conflict Shepherd told him too, For better or for worse. Garrus who’s the best sniper, A bunch of other static human characters who do each other’s job and just kinda exist, Legion the best Geth boy this side of the galaxy who would give his life in order to give his species freedom and Tali the best girl and who I’m still mad wasn’t made Bi in the remasters LET ME KISS THE QUARIAN FFS YOU HAVE THE FILES TO A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP YOU MOTHER FUCKERS”

Maria: “Ignore her. But him having a crew of basically every species but also every ragtag member across the galaxy was important as he would need to rally every species across the Galaxy in order to stand a chance of saving Earth from the Reapers and his arsenal definitely helped with that like the Tsunami and Crossfire Assault rifles, The Geth Pulse rifle and Geth Spitfire, M-15 Vindicator battle rifle, M-76 Revenant light machine gun, M-96 Mattock Heavy Rifle, Collector Assault Rifle, Chakram Launcher And his trusty M-7 Lancer and later M-8 Avenger, He’s also got shotguns like the M-22 Eviscerator Shotgun, M-300 Claymore Heavy Shotgun, Geth Plasma Shotgun and the Graal Spike Thrower, Some Snipers that do the exact same thing and for one game he has side arms he’s got stuff like the Edge pistol or the Cobra and Razor pistols all these weapons are able to penetrate through body tissues and also deal damage to heavyweights like Krogans or Banshees.”

Mae: “That’s not all he’s got, Thanks to some biological shit he became a bionic and in general he’s got some funky abilities, training and gadgets and got some neat abilities like Regeneration, Can Slow down his perception of time, Trained in multiple forms of physical combat and can even outperform species that have evolved for that purpose like Krogans, Multiple types of Grenades like Sticky, Frag or Fire grenades, Can take shields down with an emp blast by Overload, Can hack into AI’s with… well Ai Hacking, Can fire frozen projectiles with Cryo blast, Same with Incinerate but fire, Able to create holograms, Able to summon Combat drones onto the field, Cloaking and Better shields with Cloaking and Tech Shields. His Biotic powers are no joke as well as he can also cause shockwaves with Charge, Pull objects towards him with Pull, Create a “Dark Energy sphere” with Singularity which doesn’t sound like a black hole but Dark Energy is the reason why the universe even expands and can be compared to Gravity so like?? Possible black hole feats, And Warp can rip enemies apart at the molecular level bypassing armor and biotics. Why do they allow him to use this shit this gotta be a Geneva convention protocol or something!”

Maria: “Probably because he’d just use them either way. He can also heal with stims and one of his more useful tools the Omni tool, The swish army knife of space. It’s a small wrist mounted blade that helps out with hacking, repair, flashlights, scanner, Camera, Video, Audio and holographic communicator, 3D printer, An extendable blade called the ‘Omni Blade’ Able to form shields, gauntlets and most importantly play video games, Jesus Christ I need this thing so badly. He’s able to put be put above characters like Liara who can dodge rounds from Mass Accelerator weapons that fire rounds that move at a fraction of light speed! And due to his Bionics he can hold apart massive metal doors and tank multiple gun fire rounds, including ones that can fire with enough force to match a 38 Kiloton bomb (same ones that move at ⅓ of lightspeed) and his biotics can be put on that level as a lesser Asari was able to hold back multiple rounds from Dreadnaught cannons.”

Mae: “Though with all his pros of course comes cons like the fact he cannot fucking drive do not let this man near the wheel at all cost, But also being the only reason why humanity survived at all during the war with reapers definitely took a toll on his mental health which does lead to him making some… questionable choices, Not to mention his style of combat is really questionable as he more so relies on the battlefield around him and too duck and cover, And more importantly the ending…. Yeah due to ME3’s ending he kinda gets fucked and by fucked I mean dies as the only way in order to truly defeat the reaper’s from taking over and destroying earth was a last ditch effort as he pulled the entire galaxy out to fight them but sadly he would give his life by choosing to either destroy all synthetic life in the galaxy including EDI and the Geth, Synthesizing all life and merging them together or Taking control of the Reaper’s minds and using them to remake the galaxy anew, No matter what Shepard picked he would die a hero and all for his teammates to remember as his breathes across the galaxy faded away… Unless you did the renegade option then oops no one loved you but hey at least there’s more stories and a new leader to save the galaxy at a moments notice all thanks to the Shepherd of humanity.”

Shepherd: “This war's brought us pain, and suffering, and loss. But it's also brought us together, as soldiers, allies... friends. This bond that ties us together is something that the Reapers will never understand. It's more powerful than any weapon, stronger than any ship. It can't be taken or destroyed. The next few hours will decide the fate of everyone in the galaxy. Every mother. Every son. Every unborn child. They're trusting you. Depending on you to win them their future. A future free from the threat of the Reapers! But take heart! Look around you! You're not in this fight alone. We face our enemy together, and together, we will defeat them!"
————————
ANALYSIS OVER
————————

Mae: “Alright the fighters are set, We’ve researched all their feats and flaws, Now it’s all up to them.”
Maria: “And it’s time to finally see who’ll come out on top!”

——————
PRE FIGHT:
——————
A pelican flies nearby an abandoned Ark, It flies nearby a massive hole in the wall with dead Geth and Elite’s laying on the ground, While on the other side the Normandy touches down allowing Shepard to get off

Joker: “You sure you don’t need back up sir?”

Shepherd: “We did the scans, There’s no life signatures detected, Just doing a quick search, Over and out.”

Joker sighs as Shepard walks through the corridors of the abandoned ship meanwhile Chief walks nearby

Cortana: “Hold up Chief I’m getting a signature. Just 1 person”

Master Chief: “Thought you said there was no one alive on this ship.”

Cortana: “Must’ve got here after I scanned, Think they might be friendly?”

Master chief: “Who knows”

He readies his MA40 AR as he approaches Shepherd who detected Chief

Shepherd (In mind): “Dammit thought we scanned this ship for no life…”

He points his lancer towards Chiefs position and turns on a flashlight

Shepherd: “This is Commander Shepherd of the SSV Normandy step out with your hands up.”

Chief walks out of the corner, While not putting his arms in the air does lower his rifle

Master chief: “Petty Officer Seira 117 of the UNSC”

Shepherd lowers his lancer: “Huh thought we detected no one here.”

Master chief: “So did we.”

Shepherd: “Huh… Either way you need to come with me and preferably peaceful”

Chief stances: “I’m not going anywhere”

Shepherd: “Not you, Her *Points at Cortana* She’s registered by the Council for arrest for destroying multiple civilizations and destroying the planet of Doisac home planet of the Jirahanae.”

Master chief: “Like hell she’s going anywhere”

He slots the AI chip into his head and loads his rifle

Shepherd: “I wasn’t asking.”

————
FIGHT:
————

Both of them start firing their rifles at each other and eventually hide behind cover and reload

Chief: “Cortana, Can you-“

Cortana: “Already on it but huh… I’m detecting another life signature must be how he came here gonna peak a bit”

Chief sighs before pulling out a stick detonator and shooting it next to Shepherd’s cover and blowing it up allowing Chief to grapple hook towards him and punches him clean in the face knocking him into a sheltered room, Shepherd hits back by shooting out a cryo projectile and using his Biotics to throw around boxes at Chief before pulling out a shotgun and starts blasting at him, Chief throws down a bubble shield and notices an elite’s corpse holding an energy sword, Suddenly Chief goes invisible and Shepherd stops firing looking around for his surroundings he’s suddenly caught off guard by Chief jumping in out of nowhere and slicing part of his armor off, He quickly pulls out the Omni-Tool and activates the Omni-Blade function to block the next strike.

Shepherd: “She needs to answer for her crimes and you know it!”

Chief: “That was… she was different.”

Shepherd: “New body, same AI. She needs to face justice”

Chief suddenly headbutts Shepherd who dodges the next strike from the energy sword and shoots it out of Chief’s hand with a shot from a pistol and starts blasting at Chief whose shields tank most of the blasts looking around for a weapon until the ships lights start flickering

Cortana: “Uhhhh Chief?”

Chief: “What happened?”

Cortana: “May or may not have-“

Suddenly a massive explosion is heard from the hull of the ship

Cortana: “Caused a reactor meltdown, Echo-216 is waiting below if we hurry”

Chief, Cutting her off: “Understood but I’m a little preoccupied, He picks up a brute shot and fires a round at Shepherd who uses his Biotics to catch it and send it back at Chief who also deflects it with a repulser sending the shot flying into a pipe causing an explosion that knocks the room they’re fighting in down a bit

Shepherd: “Great… Joker you reach me, Need an evac planned, Joker do you-“

Suddenly his ear mic starts glitching out causing him to take it out, He pulls out a sniper and aims it at the brute shot and fires multiple times but each time Chief blocks it with the blunt of the blade and throws it at Shepherd who quickly destroys it via a cryo blast, Shepherd then uses pull to bring Chief closer towards him and form his Omni Tool into a gauntlet and smashes his fist into Chief’s helmet causing a small explosion cracking his visor, Chief slowly gets up and stares at Shepherd.

Shepherd: “Final chance, Stand down.”

Chief: “No.”

Chief immediately pulls out his SPKNR and launches a rocket towards Shepherd who dodges it and again with the second rocket with both of them hitting the walls, Chief uses his thrusters to grab Shepherd’s neck and slams him on the ground when suddenly an explosion engulfs them both completely. Shepheard immediately activates his helmet as it forms around him Chief uses his grapple hook to drag a warthog towards Shepherd which hits him though he does climb over it and watches as the area around him, Previously the room they were fighting in falls down towards the planet below including Chief, Both duel while falling down dodging debris and fire Shepherd quickly uses his Biotics and throws Debris at Chief who tries to dodge all of them until a skewer is sent towards him, He immediately takes it and lands on a cupboard allowing him to launch it at Shepherd, The Spike goes straight into his chest and explodes leaving a giant mark in his chest.

Shepherd: “Ah shit, Gotta…”

He notices Chief getting closer and uses Singularity to drag Chief away, He then uses some Medi gel to fix up his wounds as he looks at Chief trying to escape the pseudo black hole

Shepherd: “That’s not gonna keep him there for long so I just gotta.”

He pulls out a sniper rifle and aims it at Chief and fires, The Bullet ricochet’s off his suit as Chief uses his last Grapple hook to attach onto Shepherd dragging himself closer but thanks to the Omni Blade he snaps it off while Chief drops towards him and fires with his two M7 Smgs the bullets bounce off Shepard's suit as he drags himself closer and slices the smg’s in half and stabs into Chief’s suit and starts hacking it.

Shepard: “Sorry but you chose this.”

Cortana suddenly pops up in his suits visor

Cortana: “Uhh actually no, You chose this, And neat system but geez is this outdated.”

She snaps her fingers as the Omni blade shuts down and his suit malfunction, Chief uses a combination of a repulsor and a punch against Shepard’s face and causes him to be sent flying down and crashes into the ground before anything else can, Debris slam into the ground exploding on impact the Ark above is shown from Shepard’s POV with his damaged helmet he looks at the ark’s hull snap in half and slowly falls apart and then towards where chief would be, Suddenly a piece of debris is kicked off it’s hinges as Chief emerges, Both charge at each other, Chief slams his fists into Shepherds gut and throws him across the battlefield, Shepherd equips his final weapon, The Lancer and suddenly uses Warp, Chief’s body stiffens as his body slowly is unable to be moved, Shepherd starts unleashing bullets after bullets onto Chief, Breaking through his suit but suddenly he stops… Chief is let go as Shepherd finds himself unable to move as Cortana Armor locks him.

Cortana: “JOHN NOW!”

Chief picks up a fallen Spartan laser and charges it at Shepherds chest

Chief: “I failed her once.”

The spartan laser blast slams straight through Shepherd’s chest leaving a massive hole in it as he is knocked back and falls onto the ground…

Chief: “I won’t fail her again.”

Shepherd: “The… the council will hunt you… down….”

His life leaves his eyes as Chief kneels down next to Shepherd's corpse. A couple of minutes later Chief is picked up by Echo-216 and leaves behind a makeshift memorial of Shepherd’s lancer sticking out of the ground and his damaged helmet on top of it.

KO

Mae: “Not gonna lie, Felt kinda bad for Shepard there but what happened you maybe asking?

No? You’re not asking that? Huh… well uh Anyways we’ll put this into a few standard categories, Durability, Strength, Arsenal, Speed, Hax and Experience starting off with Durability, Now both Chief and Shepherd can tank some pretty tough fights being able to tank plasma rounds, electricity based blasts and hand to hand but Chief has survived way more damage over the years not only physically but mentally remember Chief’s body and nerves are 300X stronger than an average human something that Shepherd technically falls into not to mention their best durability feats as Shepherd can tank blasts from rounds that have an impact around 38 Kilotons of force so yeah he’s surviving a few nukes here and there while Chief has survived a blast worth 30 Megatons of TNT! For perspective there are 1000 Kilotons in a single Megaton, Not to mention Chief’s suit has shields, regeneration procedures, Has tank near explosions by well tanks and condensed particle beams and so on and fourth, Shepherd was impressive here but nothing he has compares to surviving 30 Megatons of tnt, Point for the Chief.”

Maria: “Now what about pure power and strength? Well Chief once again just has way more outlandish feats, Now both are able to lift some heavy things and we can cross examine that steel door feat where the Asari held together a massive steel door but that’s Bionics not actual physical strength while Chief has lifted a 66 Ton scorpion tank (as Spartans do) and the 200 Ton Elephant or more impressively an entire mountain not with all his force by the way he fucking leg pressed an entire mountain that was collapsing on top of him, Nothing any Mass effect character in terms of physical strength even comes close I mean think about Krogans are like Alligator’s while Brutes are… well they’re just space Gorillas, Sure you can try and outmatch a Gator but you can never outmatch a Gorilla and since Chief and all the other spartans can easily match and surpass Brutes strength this was an easy dub for the Chief.”

L.O.T: “But things can change with their arsenal right? Well while Shepard had a few weapons including his omni blade Chief had not only way more but much more deadlier he had weapons like SPNKR, Spartan Laser, Sticky Detonator, Grenade launchers, Covenant and Banished weapons that shoot out hot plasma that reaches degrees hot as the surface of the sun, one that shoots out bursts of plasma grenades, Fuel rod cannons, Energy swords, Gravity Hammer, Guns that shoot out electricity or the brute shot and then he has more like Promethean weapons that can disintegrate you and that’s just some of his special weapons he has way more standard weapons and variants, And while the Omni-Tool was extremely useful it’s main focus is tools not combat. Even if we include things that only appear in Andromeda Chief wins Arsenal by a landslide.”

Maria: “Now what about Speed? Well as discussed in Arbiter vs Mandalorian the weapons the covenant shoot are not actual lasers but super heated plasma which means we can’t use it for speed but what we can use is the official stats for the mass accelerator weapons being stated to moving 1.3X percent of light speed while the spartan laser is moving at 0.31X faster than light meaning Shepard should get speed until you realize that the spartan laser while having the lower number is moving FASTER than light not moving a percentage lower than light but also Chief is just much faster and has more stamina while Shepard can move some good distances Chief is moving around 66 MPH Far greater than anything Shepard has been able to show on the field meaning Chief gets the point in speed.”

Mae: “So what about their experiences? Who’s had more adventures and field combat, Well according to the ME1 character creator the earliest point that Shepard enlisted in the army was 16 but if we use the spacefarer background we can assume he trained for awhile more evidently there’s backgrounds where his skills and experience let him survive as a sole survivor on an impossible mission or became a war hero, Now Shepherd is 29 years old in ME1 meaning she has 13 years of experience prior to the events of the games and dies at 32 meaning in total at a maximum he should have 16 years of experience, While Chief at the time of Infinite is around 42 years old so Chief wins no matter what in terms of aging experience but Shepherd has more experience in terms of leading and just in general living, Which is ironic considering he dies. Both are field experts with multiple years of training growing up in hostile situations, With their own sets of skills Truth be told both can take experience as Shepard has more general experience while Chief’s only real experience is fighting meaning by nature Experience is a tie.”

L.O.T: “And finally Hax, While this could be just shortened to equipment it’s more fair to call this Hax, The final be all of their sets and surprisingly a point from earlier gave Shepherd a clear edge, The Omni-Tool. Due to having basically a Swiss Army knife in his hands he can create shields, launch projectiles, form it into a blade, a shit ton of random stuff like cameras but more importantly a scanner to get a lock onto chief’s suit, Hacking said suit and His Bionics providing to bypass said suits defence and Shepard could actually kill Chief well only really Warp and Singularity but still. Unfortunately though Chief’s hax was just way better, Recharging shields that protect him, Grapple hooks, Bubble shield, Repulsors, Emps, Cloaking, Speed boosts, overshields, thrusters, invincibility, tracking devices, a radar jammer, Heat seeking vision, Etc. While the Omni-Tool is a swiss army knife Chief’s suit is an omnitrix all in one shampoo kind, But more importantly is Cortana/The Weapon, She is way far more advanced than anything the mass effect universe has encountered being able to hack ancient tech from far higher advanced species like the Forerunners or Promethean meaning Shepherd as long as Cortana was still around and trust me she will be he could not do anything to hack him nor even really kill him as Cortana acts as a defence system meaning Shepherd probably wouldn’t get in a killing blow meaning Chief at this point you understand he stomped Shepherd, Chief gets the Hax and Final point.”

Mae: “While it was a long battle… At least for Shepherd he just had no ways of countering Chief’s Durability, Strength, Arsenal, Speed and Hax even if they were fairly matched in Experience, As hard as Shepherd tried he had little to no Effect on this fight and had to say Halo to the Demon. (Jesus this was a stomp holy shit)”

THE WINNER IS THE MASTER CHIEF

Chapter Text

King Asgore
Vs
King Andrias
(Undertale Vs Amphibia)

Mae: “Being a King is more difficult than you realize, While you may think it’s all “bring me the court jester I must laugh at the dancing man” and “Guards! Behead this man for shiting himself” but it comes with many hardships and consequences that toll on you mentally.”

Maria: "Like the ruler of the Underground, King Asgore from Undertale.”

L.O.T: “Or The ruler of Newtopia, King Andrias from Amphibia.”

Maria: “These kings have experienced many hardships with running their kingdoms but who’d truly be the best king to rule them all? Well that’s why they’re fighting to death today!”

Mae: “And for our and your enjoyment, Welcome to Cross Versus y’all.”

——————————
ANALYSIS STARTED
——————————

King Asgore, King or Flower keeper?:

Maria: “Welcome to the underground how was your fall, Sorry had to reference that at least once here but the underground is a terrifying place filled with monsters that wanna eat your skin and wear it, Or uh well that’s what humans are taught because Monsters in general while powerful are fairly kind and gentle as we have talking skeletons, Lesbian Fishes, Dogs that are secretly God (Can’t spell God without Dog after all) a transgender cat girl, Togore Dreemurr, and whatever Jerry is. But sadly thanks to the Human Monster war that the humans won they were forced under a cave and sealed tight by a magical barrier that would only break if seven human souls would be gathered. And there would be no other monster more powerful and prideful yet unfortunately a lover and kind man than Asgore Dreemurr because as for the king he was not a vicious man or well monster.”

Mae: “Asgore Dreemurr would actually care for and raise the first human who fell down, Chara. And also raising them with Toriel alongside their other son Asriel, Why do I feel like I’ve talked about him before… Anyways while raising them Chara would get sick with probably the common cold and due to no other humans in the area to help them and really unable to help Chara would die but ask their sibling to bring them to the nearest flowerbed on the above ground which resulted in Asgore’s only children dying and declaring for any human to be killed and have their souls captured so he could break down the barrier and avenge his children though this caused Toriel to divorce him and leave him all alone…”

L.O.T: “With his story caught up we need to address the deer shaped bump in this discussion that being Deltarune and we won’t be taking that into account as Asgore minus his truck obliterating Dess he doesn’t even appear in the dark world. At least for now so we can’t exactly scale him anywhere for that, So no Deltarune Scaling.”

Mae: “Now why is Asgore the king if he’s only being treated like a joke? Well he isn’t dude is not only a threat but is not actually looking for fight he respects Frisk’s decision to stay underground, He always tends to his flowers and allows Frisk to walk away and finish any unfinished business they had but don’t let that kind ol demeanour fool you he’s no push over with 80 Attack and Defence points which makes him hit like a truck and can take hits like a truck alongside a monstrous 3500 hp bar making him one of the most deadliest opponents to face in all of the underground, With the only opponents outstatting him being literal gods aka Flowey and the other boss monster Toriel who has the same attack and defence stats minus the hp, And… technically Temmie who’s stats are just… TEM.. if this implies Temmies stats are so high they break through the games stats, the reverse or something could imply Temmies are stronger than God I swear to God... Boss monsters are a unique type of monsters found in the underground which have unique effects, One their SOULS still persist after death even for a brief amount of time and they only age when their children age and considering Asriel is dead they’re not able to age so no matter what he’s gonna stay that age forever.”

Mae: “Due to this Asgore should be scaled higher than every other character minus Flowey which means he can tank hits from Volcanoes, Whatever those dog knights are, entire airplanes which are just tsundares, Shatter the mercy button Or even the likes of Undyne who has stated that Asgore was able to beat her with just a single strike after dodging her attacks for a bit, The same Undyne who’s able to move faster then Frisk who can not only outrun Airplanes which lines up with the design of an Airbus a320 which can move at mach 0.78 or 848Km/h or 527 MPH but they can also move fast enough to dodge lasers due to them not exploding and moving in a straight line in Sans boss fight so Asgore should scale to Frisk in general actually considering level 20 Frisk has an overall lower stat gap than Asgore aka having a defence stat of 4, Hp stat of 99 and attack stat of 38.”

Maria: “This would mean overall Asgore should scale higher then Frisk in terms of physicality the same Frisk who can tank nukes from Photoshop Flowey but note how we say Physically because mentally Asgore is broken, While he’s extremely powerful being the strongest character next to Frisk and Flowey he genuinely doesn’t want to kill, Sure he’ll do it for his people but it’s not in his nature especially with the six human souls as while Asgore has stated he would use the souls to shatter the barrier and become a God (something backed up by Flowey using them to become God of hyper death) in every single timeline he refuses to ever use them even in the genocide route which makes sense while a single soul would be more than enough to win any fight due to all souls being able to scale towards Frisk’s soul which can survive Hypergoners attacks, Though while Asgore doesn’t willingly use them the souls themselves are sentient and would help out Asgore only if they deemed fit which is probably highly unlikely because yk he fucking killed them.”

Mae: “And with a king also must come an army, Meet the Royal guard having some heavy hitters like Undyne the Undying who blitz FTL Frisk and is trained personally by Asgore and appointed the head of the royal guard alongside the likes of the dogs who can be petted so hard that they’re head reaches space despite being underground this could be just a joke but considering Tricky Tony who fucking knows and technically thanks to the annoying dog being a genuine citizen appearing multiple times and just being a monster he would technically be in this army fight… There’s also the Gay Knights who thanks to you are now a couple and also Mettaton EX who despite their attitude and more focused on dancing and TV is a genuine threat able to lob bombs, spew out lightning and those damn legs… and while he’s not officially apart of the royal guard he was made by the royal scientist Alphys, A Tech wiz who’s able to hack into nearly everything including Mettaton or even the Almagmations who should be included as the ending confirms that they’re sentient and actually spend time with their family and the best part about these dudes is that they can’t be killed naturally or at all, Even attacking them results in an error, There’s also members that would fight like Papyrus who’s a royal guard in training and Sans with their fabled blue attack and also other members like Jerry… we don’t talk about Jerry.”

L.O.T: “Luckily besides his trident he’s got a few neat abilities like pyromancy where he can shoot out waves of small fireballs that can curve in patterns, fireballs that move down and are annoying to counter, massive pillars of fireballs, rings of fire that while leave an opening for escape are hard to dodge and can use a fabled Blue attack and also Orange basically in Undertale there’s two status effects blue and orange blue hurts you if you move and Orange hurts you if you stand still though this attack pattern can easily be countered due to his eyes flashing the colours before attacking.”

Mae: “Though sadly he is still a monster so if he’s damaged too much he’ll crumble but I doubt you’d even get that chance especially if he’s fighting for something like the freedom of monster kind which is an actual thing called hysterical strength basically when people you care about are put into a life or death situation you’re gonna show off more strength than what you would normally not be able to do and fortunately for Asgore he has enough fuel in that truck of power due to being the king of the underground his entire life is dedicated to his people, Any attempts are a direct attack on his kingdom, He’ll get it done no matter what as if he’s got an engine that still runs. Even if it’s one life, if that life is what’s standing in the way of his people and absolute freedom or peace then by God doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from he’ll take that shot and harvest your soul for a better future for all of monster kind.”

Asgore: “Human… It was nice to meet you. Goodbye.”

King Andrias, Keith David is back yet again:

Maria: “Long Ago and by long we mean like 2020 it was Anne Boonchuy birthday and her friends well girlfriends both in quotes for later on, Sadly without a present this birthday was gonna bomb Luckily though sweet ol Marcy Wu found the perfect present for a frog… disliking girl. You can get out underneath the desk Mae, The frogs haven’t appeared yet.”

Mae: “The yet is important!”

Maria: “Ugh… Anyways, surprisingly this present she found was that of an old frog covered music box that turned out to be a portal to a whole new dimension of Amphibians called… Amphibia, Real clever on the name brand there it’s like naming earth “Huma” or “ Sapie” Anyways the three girls were transported to three separate kingdoms, Anne with the frogs, Sasha with the Toads and Marcy with the Newts in Newtopia though only one matters here being Newtopia led by the kind and gentle King Andrias.”

Mae: “Pretty lucky since Andrias absolutely towers over Marcy and God dammit it’s Keith David again, Luckily for Marcy King Andrias lover her antics like it reminded him of someone he once knew from a previous life, Now Andrias is based off of and is a giant newt which are fairly nimble and can regrow limbs even some internal organs like hearts and organs and have a small layer of toxins on their skins little biological fact today, The more you know like how Platypus’s have poison in them and can lay eggs despite being a mammal. But in some kind of sick joke he’s the exact opposite of his species being fairly slow due to his size and in the epilogue we can see the fact he lost multiple limbs, Don’t let that distract you from the fact he’s really good in a fight and has his very own sword.”

L.O.T: “Said sword is what can be described as what the kids describe as “Goes hard af”

Mae: “never do that again.”

L.O.T: “Oh… Uh anyways this sword is fairly unique as it’s blade is completely ignitable when activated a giant flame forms it yet the blade is still solid enough to clash against other blades meaning guess what, Laser sword time!! And yeah Amphibia is really inconsistent with lasers, You see as strong as Andrias’s build is able to shatter stone flooring and having a laser sword he’s more so focused in technology making Frobots and making them do his bidding which brings us to his army he’s got drones, regular foot soldiers, General Yunan who can cut through multiple trees with ease, Frobots like Bug-Bots which can destroy houses, Shield Generator bots which can well generate generate shields, The drill frobot is just a drill,The Bulldozer is the same as the Bug bot, The more skilled ones like Hooded Frobots who wield axes, The royal guards who carry shields and lances, Massive Tank Frobots who can launch missiles and release smaller Froglet frobots, Fire frobots which are the standard issue frobots but with Flamethrowers, The Judge frobot a massive giant Frobot who exacts Andrias’s Judgment with a hammer and always guilty and finally Cloakbot who was able to track and hunt down Anne in the human world and also has a built in bomb in his chest if he doesn’t do his job which can explode with a payload around 18 terratons of TNT and the lesser Frobots can even fly towards the moon in just a few second, Also each foot soldier Frobot are equipped with drum roll please… Plasma rifles yeah despite the show trying to imply they’re lasers let’s go over this, Laser’s move in a straight line and don’t explode on impact while the beams the Frobot soldiers shoot explode on impact so no FTL arguments for Andrias. In fact he’s fairly slow with his foot soldiers being able to out pace him pretty easy but with what he lacks in speed he makes up for in raw strength, intelligence and cunning”

Mae: “Because surprise! The villain wasn’t the toads or angry bi sexual but the newt king, He occastrated the plan of keeping the girls inside Amphibia alongside Marcy because she was scared of losing them and honestly despite the fact she called them her friends Andrias saw right through it, He saw or well heard the fact they’d never pay attention to anything she liked and would never stay up with her she was just the nerd of the group that can be used to up their grades and Andrias wanted to use this so girls could bring him the box fully charged so he can continue his plan of being a glorious conqueror or well more so his ancestors plans because despite stabbing a 13 year old girl in the chest when she let Anne escape, he wasn’t the true mastermind instead it was the core that had him use Marcy’s body as a host. Jesus can Marcy catch a break?? But thanks to this he also got an upgrade as his castle which has a massive cannon on top of it can now be fired, Leveling basically everything including carving a massive hole into a mountain that overlooked Los Angeles California.”

Maria: “So while Anne was gone Andrias decided to conquer all of Amphibia in a short while especially with his castle that can shoot out a beam that can leave an entire hole in a mountain though this is not really part of his arsenal so it’s kinda eh in terms of using it, He also has insane durability able to tank hits from Grimes warhammer, Survive his mind being damaged by the crown whenever he disobeyed their orders, Form a retractable energy shield which survived a blast that could’ve covered him by an explosion from Calamity 1 Anne, Fairly confident in his sword play and defeated an entire army of frogs and toads despite not really be proficient in it, Once hacked a giant robo santa that tried to kill a 13-14 year old girl (The time frames are weird…) in public (Fuck kinda feat is that) He’s able to react towards Anne’s Calamity 1 form or Psuedo Calamity? (There’s two forms and both are called Calamity form…) which can dodge his foot soldiers previously mentioned plasma lasers, Though while this is consistent with his feats he’s fairly slow being a massive walking tank which is why he can tank hits from this form who could also , Summon hordes of Frobots, Or thanks to the fact parts of his body has been replaced by cybernetics which allows him to connect with the big boy, the biggest of the boys the Dyoplosaurus mech.”

L.O.T: “This Mech scales to being above Anne’s first calamity form and is a massive mech towering over Anne who should be around 5’5 it can also (List things it can do) though it isn’t indestructible as Anne was able to damage it and even destroy it when he left his guard down due to Sprig telling him that Leif the girl Marcy reminded him of, Forgave him and hid the box so he could grow up the way he wanted to though it was too late Andrias already was a conqueror, Destroyed a ton of Amphibia in the process because of what his ancestors demanded from him, So before Anne attacked he let his guard down and allowed himself to be destroyed… Until back in Amphibia where the core had one final plan, If they couldn’t conquer then they would destroy Amphibia by launching the moon at it.”

Mae: “Though it was thanks to Andrias’s final act of rebellion that they were able to hold it off the moon for a bit longer by destroying the crown of his controller’s he set the remaining foot soldiers after the moon to be held off but it would be thanks to Anne sacrificing herself to destroy the moon once and for all, While Andrias was able to live fairly peacefully afterwards his actions would forever haunt him and leave him scarred by it. because while Andrias’s rule was filled with tragedy he would try and find peace by becoming a farmer leaving the way of his past life to be forgotten by both him and others.”

Maria: “…wait if he’s a newt why the fuck is his army full of frogs.”

Andrias: “Pick a hand any hand.”

Anne: “Hmmm”

Andrias nods towards his right hand

Anne, Picking his right hand: “Is it… This hand?”

Andrias, Opening his hand revealing nothing: “SIKE”

Loud laughing fills the room

————————
ANALYSIS OVER
————————

Mae: “Alright we’ve gone over their feats and flaws and it’s time to see who’d win.”

L.O.T: “It’s all up to them now and let’s see who’ll win

—————
Pre-Fight:
—————
The underground is fairly quiet until a loud boom is unleashed as a giant floating castle appears in a spiral of rainbow colours

Andrias: “Ah Earth! Prepare for m- …we got the coordinates correct right?”

Random Frobot: “Yes.”

Andrias: “THEN WHY ARE WE IN… This surprisingly large cave structure… Huh honestly this will make for a fine base! Oooo and they even made a throne room for me, Prepare the army! I’m gonna take a seat”

Hundreds of Frobots fly out and start targeting every spot in the underground as Andrias makes his way towards the throne room only to be blocked by Asgore.

Andrias: “Ah you must be the ruler of this kingdom well you used to be as of today I, King Andrias am taking over!”

A little Frobot appears from Andrias’s shoulder and blows a little trumpet before running off

Asgore: “If you think we’ll let you take this world over then…”

He pulls out his trident and points it at Andrias

Asgore: “You’ll be sorely disappointed. Leave before anything escalates, Now.”

Andrias laughs and pulls out his sword and ignites it

Andrias: “Well, Don’t stop on my account.”

Asgore: “Andrias… It was good to meet you, Goodbye.”

————
FIGHT!:
————

Andrias’s soul flashes as Asgore throws his spear at the mercy button, Shattering it

* (A Strange light fills the room)

*(It seems like two kings must clash)

*(Andrias is filled with ???)

Both lunge at each other, Throwing fists at each other’s faces Asgore swings his trident at Andrias’s armor as sparks fly off of it Andrias counters the next attack by swinging his sword upwards, Slicing part of Asgore’s chest plate and grabs onto his horns and throws him out of the room crashing through multiple walls until reaching the room before the elevator, Andrias charges full speed at him until a wave of fire balls sweep at his feet making him trip Asgore fires another wave which smash into Andrias’s back but he taps a few buttons on his wrist.

Andrias: “Come on out boys!”

Asgore: “Huh? Who are you talking to?”

Andrias: “My servants of course! Who else.”

Suddenly a bunch of Standard issue Frobots leap out of nowhere and blast Asgore who retaliates by sweeping fire balls around him causing all of them to blow up, Asgore then lunges at Andrias and swipes at his chest, Missing but landing a blow on his shoulder, Impaling Andrias and pushing him towards the ledge but Andrias grabs onto The trident and pulls it deeper as he jumps off making Asgore fall down with him where they crash onto a Bug-Bot below mowing through much of the Underground

Andrias: “Oh good! They’re already doing their jobs, doing great kiddos!”

Andrias is suddenly pulled back by Asgore and punched in the jaw, Asgore steps on his chest and prepares to stab Andrias’s chest but is knocked back by the cloakbot sucker punching him and smacking him back

Andrias: “Thanks for the save Cloakbot”

Andrias gets up cracking his bones when suddenly the Bugbot stops as the head of it is blown up the dog guards stick their heads out minus the greater dog who’s cannot be in this script because he would be to powerful, Andrias looks down confused but immediately swipes at Asgore slicing off a shoulder plating and kicking him off the bot and onto the wet ground of the waterfall area, Asgore runs off into a deep part of the forest as Andrias smiles and chases after him, Eventually landing in a spot where the only thing illuminating the area are the slowly fading flowers, Andrias’s sword and suddenly a red trident slashing against him, The two clash with each other, Their weapons slowly becoming the only thing illuminating the area

Asgore: “You call yourself a king? A true king doesn’t conquer, he leads and protects his people!”

His eyes flash Orange Orange Blue as he lands all three hits and unleashes a helix wave of fireballs but are dispersed by Andrias swiping at them with his sword and leaps at Asgore who barely has time to block it

Andrias: “Lead? I am leading! You can’t rule without breaking a few eggs along the way even if it means pushing back everyone you love!”

Andrias manages to strike hard enough that Asgore’s trident is sent flying into the air and lands in the water but dodges an overhead strike and grabs the trident, Both stare at each other

Asgore: “You’ve also experienced it then…”

Andrias: “Unfortunately but for kings who make mistakes there’s no turning back.”

Asgore: “There’s always a way to redeem yourself and start healing King Andrias”

*(Asgore’s Atk and Def dropped!)

The two stare at each other some more, Andrias’s hands shaking as the crown whispers into him he prepares to fight

Andrias: “The things I’ve done, The pain I’ve caused… THERE'S NO GOING BACK”

He slams his sword into the ground causing a wave of energy to smash into Asgore, Andrias then activates his wrist summoning more Frobots of different varieties to hold off Asgore

Andrias: “Buttlers drop down the chariot! It’s time for some fun.”

Asgore fends off the Frobots slashing them and burning them until the Judge Frobot appears and smacks him away with his hammer sending Asgore flying into Snowdin, Where Asgore is about to be jumped by Royal Guard Frobots until being saved jolts of lightning smashing into all of them by Metaton EX, Asgore looks around Snowdin, Destroyed and a battlefield with multiple monsters mostly from the royal guard but also multiple regular monsters helping out with mostly Undyne and Yunan taking up the entire fight screaming about being better when Suddenly a loud thud is heard as Andrias now in his mech suit lands down

Andrias: “Alright let’s get this- hold on wait”

The judge Frobot walks out of the forest and hands Andrias his own hammer

Andrias: “Ah thank you judge”

Suddenly a blast from Sans gaster blaster blows off the head of the Judge Frobot, Sans laughs before a Frobot tries blowing him up only for him to dodge, Meanwhile Asgore dodges being crushed by the hammer from Andrias

Andrias: “Ohohoho this is just like that game Marcy told me about, Just gotta whack this king. Now hold still!”

Shockwaves are made from the hammer slamming do while Asgore attacks with fireballs and stabbing into the mech’s legs all he can hear is

Andrias: “FOUR!”

The hammer swings into Asgore sending him flying into a tree snapping it in half, Asgore tries to get up but is stopped by a massive fist crashes into him leaving a massive hole in the ground, Andrias then picks up Asgore by the cape and dangles him

Andrias: “As much as I loved our time together and trust me! I did it’s time for it to end. Goodbye Asgore”

The other fist slams towards Asgore…

His vision fading he only sees his people fighting, the destruction of his kingdom and the multiple monsters too scared to fight hiding in Grillby’s, But the flist finally slams at Asgore…

*(But it refused)

Andrias is caught off guard by Asgore breaking out of his hands and freeing himself

Asgore: “As long as I live this kingdom, no, all of monster kind will not die!”

*(King Asgore’s Atk and Def were raised!)

*(King Asgore regained HP!)

Asgore grabs his trident and blocks an attack from Andrias and another with his left arm which is subsequently sliced off, Asgore then sends a volley of fireballs which smack against Andrias’s suit denting him, Andrias then slams his right fist into Asgore who while is sent into a crater lifts the arm up and throws his trident through Andrias’s right arm, Slicing it over, Asgore then charges at the mechs legs snd crashes into it the ground, As it topples over Jerry looks up as the Dyoplosaurus mech falls over and topples over onto him, Crushing him, Asgore walks up picking up his trident and stabs the head of the mech tearing it off, The rest of the monsters finish up their foes and gather around.

Andrias: “Get off of me!”

The mech’s chest burst open knocking Asgore back

Asgore: “Urgh but how?”

Andrias: “Really think I’d have a weakspot so noticeable but this has gone on long enough, If I can’t win here… NOBODY CAN FIRE THE CANNON AT MY POSITION!”

The castle above sparkles with electricity and as it’s about to fire the castle stops hovering and falls over crashing into the ground, Andrias stares in horror as the cloud passes by them engulfing them in soot

Andrias: “I- but- how- I don’t”

Andrias’s hands shake in anger until a yellow lizard walks by

Alphys: “Well it was really quite simple the castles energy signature was way too unique and powerful just for it to be powering the ship to hover so we had to take it out while you were fighting! But uh our plan kind of failed… sorta”

The annoying dog walks by the calamity box and barks

Alphys: “he got to the box first…”

Andrias’s eyes start to water as he ignites his sword and points it Asgore

Andrias: “ENOUGH I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN ASGORE I WILL TAKE OVER YOUR KINGDOM AND-“

Asgore: “Fine, One final shot whoever’s standing last rules monster kind…”

Andrias smiles as he gets into position, The two kings stare down each other and finally charge and slash each other one final time…

Asgore’s left Arm falls down, He screams in pain. Andrias just drops his sword and falls over as his soul shatters. Not a final word is said as Andrias’s body fades away and his crown rolls over to Asgore’s foot

Asgore: “I’m sorry it turned out like this… King Andrias.”

A final crunch is heard as the fight come to an end

KO

Mae: “Oh god dammit who allowed Tobbert foxucus on the set, but what happened shouldn’t Andrias have swept Asgore especially with the giant beam and mech? Well actually despite this being a fairly close fight Asgore had everything in his truck to drive over that Salamander shaped bump, We’ll go over a few stats being physicality (Strength and Durability), Speed, Tools (Equipment, Arsenal and abilities), Trump cards and Army starting with Physicality.”

L.O.T: “In terms of Physical prowess Asgore surprisingly had Andrias beat as while Andrias was taller and beefier he did not stack up as remember Asgore has both stats of 80 and a health stat of 3500 the highest stat able to be counted in the game, And yes we’re aware some characters have higher health, attack or defence but overall Asgore is still the strongest which also means we can look at the photoshop flowey fight where he drops entire nukes onto Frisk which deal as much or even less from attacks by Asgore who attacks with his body not mind or range, Another thing is Asgore is taking hits from Frisk who can destroy Tsunderplane or a volcano with their fists, ballet shoes, toy knife or a book, Same Frisk who was able to defeat Photoshop Flowey who had an infinite attack and defence stat and Frisk is comparablely weaker than Asgore physically who has an insanely lower stat of 99 hp, 38 Attack and 4 defence stats at their strongest. While Andrias is powerful it’s never on full force or it’s just crushing obvious things like a stone pathway, soda can or a Frobot which while impressive is not his best physical feat that belongs to blocking an attack from Calamity Anne which caused a fairly big explosion said explosion would be comparable to something like a grenade going off and we can go even further with the Dyoplosaurus suit which puts him on par or even stronger than Calamity 1 Anne who should be on par with the bomb the cloakbot unleashed being able to cause this explosion worth around 18 Terratons TNT or even take hits from Grime’s warhammer which while impressive is nothing compared to Asgore who can strike with a force compared to an entire nuke, To put it up bluntly, Andrias shattered a stone pathway, Asgore destroyed the mercy button. Point to Asgore”

Mae: “But there’s one more thing in terms of stats that being Speed, Aka who would strike first and fairly easy for Asgore as Andrias has been shown to be fairly slow even his Foot soldiers out speed him, Which hurts his speed arguments even more when you look at Asgore who can react and actually match Frisk’s speed who can react to Gas**r blasters from Sans which are laser’s meaning Asgore should get around the same level at least in terms of reaction speed even if we don’t use the FTL scaling or the Mach 0.78 speeds for cross scaling Andrias is still slow on the account of him being shown to be more slow when moving being more large and all doesn’t really have it’s perks here, Point for Asgore.”

Maria: “For this we’ll be as stated before combining their Arsenal, Equipment and Abilites due to a vast amount of them overlapping and honestly Asgore doesn’t have much, He has his Trident, Pyrokinesis and those Soul harvesters but honestly compared to Andrias it’s not much, He has his laser sword, the giant mech and a command pad that he can access his army with. Even then Asgore’s tools aren’t even that versatile, Sword beats trident not to mention swords being just a better weapon overall, His Pyrokenisis while strong is just fire something that’ll prove useless as Andrias is more heavily armoured especially in his mech not to mention that the soul harvesters or whatever he uses to snatch up souls is kinda useless, Ignoring the fact we don’t even know how it works it wouldn’t be effective at all against him due to Andrias by nature being a “monster” and even the highest ranking monsters, boss monsters. Their souls break after a bit, Andrias takes Tools fairly well.”

L.O.T: “Though their Trump cards are another story as Andrias’s castle vs the Souls was fairly interesting as the castles output could carve a massive hole into a mountain that was taller than the city in California though said cannon isn’t something that can be fired rapidly and could be disabled via the music box being removed but those flaws don’t necessarily mean it wins or loses as if Asgore used all the souls he could become God or at least close enough and considering we see Flowey do this exact thing and working we know he’s not bluffing though there’s a big IF problem that being Asgore doesn’t really use them no matter what with Flowey tempting him in every timeline even in the genocide route he doesn’t use them and for him to use them willingly would be against his character. But the souls are conscious and sentient and can help him without him using them though this is not very likely thanks to Asgore just killing them but there are a few souls more likely than others to help out, Especially Kindness who’s whole deal is forgiving especially if it means saving people or Justice for the same minus the first part, But due to the RNG of a more powerful trump card vs a guaranteed less powerful that can be sabotaged trump card means this is a tie.”

Mae: “But this means Andrias can make a come back and get a tie all it means is as long as his army is better he’ll get a tie and honestly it wasn’t even a debate, Andrias’s army had more numbers and more deadly arsenals like the Bug bots being able to crush houses or Flame Frobots able to burn entire buildings. But he still lost for two reasons Free will and loyalty, Much like with Bowser vs Eggman just because you had a lot of soldiers doesn’t mean you win, Much like Bowser Asgore had something in Spades that Andrias didn’t, Pure loyalty, Hope and Free will due to the fact Andrias’s army being all Frobots meant they had zero control over the field or could even make strategies while the monsters could figure out weaknesses plan traps, Especially thanks to their named units like Undyne who could best General Undown or Metaton EX who had enough firepower to wipe the army out, Even less known members like Alphys had ways of easily hacking into the army and shutting them down or even finding out about the calamity box and taking it away with characters who can teleport, fly or phase through, Even characters not part of the royal army would help as you walk through the underground every reveres Asgore as great king who led them through dark times meaning characters like Sans and especially Papyrus who would see this as his chance to become a royal soldier, Even weaker characters can do a lot like Jerry making their attacks last longer or Sirens able to cause water to drop on the field, or even the annoying dog who unironically might be the strongest monster due to not really obeying any laws of physics and being able to absorb the calamity box. Asgore gave them hope and ironically enough it would be them to give Asgore something to fight for as he fights for Monsterkind, Nothing Andrias could do even came close to Asgore’s army, Asgore takes Army.”

Maria: “Which means Asgore takes the fifth and final point, There were multiple ways this match up could go but more times than not Asgore was more stronger, Much faster and had the better army, Andrias spent his final knights not knowing when the highway of life would come to an end but due to his stats he couldn’t match the light of Asgore’s truck.

…this script is gonna be so outdated by time it comes out with all these Dess jokes holy shit.”

L.O.T: “Who’s Dess?”

Maria: “Dess Nuts lmao”

THE WINNER IS KING ASGORE

Chapter Text

THE LIZARD
VS
MAN-BAT
(Marvel Vs DC)
Cross Versus Season 2 Episode 15

The Lizard screams and lunges at Man-Bat in a laboratory

FIGHT!

TV static cuts in as it’s brought to the Cross Versus Desk

Maria: Curt Connors or the Lizard
L.O.T: “Kirkland Langstrom or better known as the Man-Bat”

Mae: “When you’re a scientist you may need to cross a few boundaries be it Moral or the Law but these two scientists went too far and paid the price, Hello this is Mae alongside L.O.T. And Maria, and here we discuss their feats, flaws and weirdness to see who’d overall win a battle to the death and land a spot in the winner’s circle.”

———————————
ANALYSIS STARTED
———————————

THE LIZARD ATE WHO?!:

Mae: “Doctor Curt Connors was a brilliant scientist who while born in hell aka Florida was forced into war which unfortunately blew up his arm… if we had a nickel for everytime we covered a marvel character that lost a limb/became disabled because of the war which eventually led them to become the character that they are… we’d have tuah nickels”

L.O.T: “I will throw into the depths of space for that I swear too god.”

Maria: “Anyways before you two kill each other over a cheezit again, Curt Connors was permanently scared by this but luckily for him he was a scientist and did well science things, Believing the cure to not only fixing and healing his injury but everyone’s! The answer just laid in the animal kingdom he needed an animal that can not only regrow limbs but do it at an accelerated rate and no other species in the animal kingdom fit this description roll better that the species under the reptile family, Lizards, It’s not really known which species he used for the experiments possibly a wide range of them that were easy enough to get a hold on but to the surprise of everyone including himself it worked the Lizard DNA healed his arm, The experiments were a… failure.”

Mae: “Yeah turns out using a shit ton of lizard on yourself was a bad idea as the primeval DNA took over Curt’s body and mind rotting it into acting on it’s natural instinct which evidently caused not only his wife but his kid to leave him as he became a monster, But surprisingly enough he still btains at least some of Curt Connors intelligence as he’s shown multiple times of acting by mind and not body like in ASM1 where he was fully conscious despite the whole turn people into lizards bullshit and also being able to retain some levels of control over his body like trying to make a cure while inside his Lizard form in Spider-Man 2 though before we talk about Lizard we should talk about Curt Connor’s as both are different sides of the same coin, And despite being a regular old dude he’s got some feats like being a war vet that got discharged after the whole you know arm thing, being able to throw people around or survive backhands by Spider-Man who turned into a lizard and even dodged Morbius who was able to attack Spider-Man who can dodge lasers with ease a few panels back but most importantly is Curt’s brain he’s able to make tons of cures, vials and what not some able to dissolve Rhino’s hide which is stated to be impenetrable multiple times, Cured himself of being a vampire which also locked himself inside being the lizard which has shown to lower his brain power while in this form, There’s a shit ton of examples of him curing or making vaccines that if we listed off everything he’s done we’d be here for awhile, But we’re here for one thing THE LIZARDDDD”

L.O.T: “The Lizard despite having a name like that has actually proven to be one of the most deadliest foes for Spider-Man being able to overpower Peter who can hold up an entire building, Able to also shred Peter’s webbing which can hold entire yachts from splitting apart, Breaking entire tree trunks with his tail, Peter’s also had trouble with this damn tail not being able to free himself from it or even being able to rip ship masts off, Able to rip off steel rails from train tracks, Able to throw bulldozers and cars around like a joke, Able to tear off steel doors off it’s hinges like it’s cardboard, shatter concrete walls like it’s nothing, fend off the Wolverine, Able to cut through Deadpool and Enchantress, And due to being on stronger biologically than a crocodile and if we use the strongest Crocodiles biteforce aka the Nile Crocodile he should have enough bite force of 5,000 PSI, For example that’s more then a Humans, Hippo, Gorilla, Lion, bear and Great white sharks bite force. It’s also thanks to this Lizard DNA he’s able to regenerate his lost limbs like arms, legs and his own tail!”

Mae: “And despite being a giant monster he’s pretty fast being able to outspeed Spider-Man who can dodge Bullets, lightning and light speeds, Able to dodge attacks from Johnny storm, Overpower Peter’s spider sense, Able to jump multiple stories over, and while enraged he was able to blitz spider-man completely, He’s also extremely durable as Peter says every time he punches the Lizard he feels like his knuckles are fracturing and reminder base standard plain ol jane Peter Parker is able to lift 10 tons and when not holding back can destroy people’s jaws, and able to punch through solid steel doors, Doors that resemble standard factory door sizes which have a width of 48 inches or 4 feet in width, Able to survive being burnt to a crisp by enchantress, has survived heavy gunfire rounds and explosives”

Maria: “He’s also got some weird telepathic abilities like commanding reptiles to sick Ben Riley, Making Alligators attack Spider-Man, Controls Man-thing’s brain to also attack Spider-Man dude really hates Spider-Man and even control people with R-Complex or Reptilian complex and despite his size he’s fairly stealthy as he’s able to catch Spider-Man off guard multiple times despite the whole spider sense thing and thanks to being a lizard if he’s in a swampy environment or really any environment with water he just becomes way more deadly and more predatory and even being able to catch up with speed boats which are most likely either moving at around 50 MPH. And thanks to the Lizard DNA given enough time he can shed his skin allowing him not only to grow but become physically stronger and durable.”

Mae: “Though despite all of his feats and experience he’s still a lizard meaning he still is susceptible to both extreme cold and heat, And while he has an impressive healing factor it can be overtaxed and can’t heal everything, And if not to mention the whole mental issues part where he loses his shit which led to an event where he sadly ate his own son, Said continued deterioration in his mental state could make it so he loses all control to his primitive instincts which would rot his brain even more than usual.”

Maria: “Though luckily now a days the Lizard persona has calmed down and rarely brought out anymore it still stalks the life of Curt Connors and will forever and always, Curt Connors wanted to cure wounds and help humanity but unfortunately all he created was a monster that would stalk the streets of New York and drive his family apart, All hail the Lizard.”

Lizard: “You are the only one who does not fear me! Once I destroy you, All Mankind will tremble before the lizard!”

Man-Bat… OH LIKE BATMAN BUT REVERSE! (No not that reverse):

L.O.T: “Welcome to Arkham Asylum where the most insane and psychotic villains stay like Scarecrow, The Joker, Twoface, or even Poison Ivy. All put in here by the one the only Batman but only one is what we’re focusing on today, Robert Kirkland Langstrom or better yet known as Man-Bat! Now while he has shown to be a villain he didn’t start out this way as he was developing and researching ways to enhance human hearing for either curing deafness or just making you hear better but unfortunately for Kirkland his experiments would go terribly wrong as upon using himself as his own Guinea pig he would drink the serum his body and mind would morph into a Bat like creature, A Batman if you will but that was taken so he would become Man-Bat.”

Mae: “Now while we’re focusing on Man-Bat like we did with the Lizard we have to discuss Robert first and honestly he doesn’t have much he’s an average guy who can shatter glass and able to knock Scarecrow back but what makes him unique is his intelligence as he’s proven to be fairly smart creating cures, having a doctorate but unfortunately this genius is put to waste as he transforms into Man-Bat which has had multiple improvements over the year like Kirkland fixing an issue where eventually he would return to becoming a regular human, But it’s thanks to this mutation he got some unique abilities and traits like the obvious ability to fly, Able to hear extremely well like oh I don’t know hearing a high pitched frequency from the North pole while in Gotham, Now Gotham is usually a stand in for New york or better Detroit so that’d mean Man-Bat can hear from a distance over 3,318 miles or 4828 kilometres! Thanks to being a bat he can sense with his echolocation and sonar basically being able to see in the dark similar to the effects with night vision even able to see or at least sense invisible man and even able to smell through the trashy streets of Gotham city, He can also let out loud high pitched screams some so strong it can knock back people like Kitana, Geo force and Metamorpho and can of course summon bats as one does.”

Maria: “You know I wonder what happened to his loved ones he just became a Man-Bat werewolf guy and just left them right?”

Mae: “Nah he killed his wife”

Maria: “oh… well despite being fairly thin he’s actually pretty durable being able to tank being thrown by a depowered superman who could still break rocks, but also has survived a punch by powered Superman though he did detransform from it, But also has survived being thrown by Killer croc who once collapsed a sewer tunnel just by punching the walls, Able to survive being hit by a semi truck while detransformed and had his wings clipped by Batman throwing a pipe strong enough to get wedged into a tv screen, and can regenerate quickly at least to Killer Croc who can regenerate lost limbs like hands or being tossed off buildings, Though he isn’t invincible as enough damage will detransform him back to normal completely defenceless.”

Mae: “And he has also canonically done Cocaine or more so ate the Cocaine packet so congratulations on becoming the first character to do cocaine on Cross Versus Kirk, Though it’s not really a feat just thought it’d be worth noting that he’s probably the first character we’ve covered to do Cocaine and also is part demon… somehow “

L.O.T: “He has dodged Laser’s, kept up with Batman, dodged gunfire and dodged multiple close pointblank handgun shots. He’s strong enough to tear off the batmobiles doors, constantly and easily able to pick up and lift Batman and the Batfamily who are not peak human but seemingly peaker human”

Mae: “That joke sucked, don't do that again.”

L.O.T: “Aw… But the Batfamily has constantly shown signs of super human strength, He’s also ripped demons heads off with a single hand, Able to match strengths with Killer Croc who can again destroy sewer tunnels with his pure strength, Was able to slash through Batman’s suit who wears upgraded Kevlar which regular Keclar can withstand a tensile strength uphold of 525,000 PSI, Was able to break through solid concrete multiple times, And while he’s not on the strongest side he can… Well remember how Kirkland was a scientist? Well he can make some pretty good stuff he’s made sedatives that can knock out Solomon Grundy who by nature is kinda unable to get tired or even was able to create a formula that would allow Swamp-Thing regrow vegetation around the entire world! And overtime his transformation would take a toll because while now he can transform on command or when caught off guard it’s also formed an entirely new skill as combining his Kirkland and Man-Bat personalities he gained total control of Man-Bat and doesn’t rely on animalistic instincts now.”

Mae: “And if he ever needs to get a boost he can always take Venom, Not the Miles ability and not the Tom hardy but the drug. You see Venom is a steroid drug that when injected basically makes you not only more buff and allows him to transform into King Man-Bat where he’s not only on Par with Bane who could break Batman’s back and was even lifted by Man-Bat while on Venom and note that Bane weighs over 400 pounds! And Man-Bat just lifted him like it was nothing and remember he does this all constantly he’s always fighting batman, though he does lose constantly gotta admit he’s pretty dedicated at this though if we have to admit other things it’s that he does have his weaknesses like being beaten to much will revert him into a human where he’s defenceless, and thanks to his enhanced senses those could be used against him like light sensitivity or even losing control due to his animalistic instincts though while these have been suppressed over the years it’s still present but probably his biggest weakness is his biology as chemical weapons do work on him like tranquilizers or a detransformer like the one Batman uses in Arkham knight where he’ll be forcibly reverted back into Kirkland, Still doesn’t make him less threatening or terrifying as he flies right above the streets of Gotham city shrieking and screaming looking for his next victim.”

Kirkland: “I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but... it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about. It was out of my control. And it only needs one more component to complete the process. It's in me, Batman.”

—————————
ANALYSIS OVER
—————————

Mae: “Alright we’ve gone over their feats and flaws and it’s time to see who’d win.”

L.O.T: “It’s all up to them now and let’s see who’ll win

—————
PRE FIGHT:
—————

In Gotham, A lone building looms over a street, Heels click as Curt Connors runs up and bursts through a door revealing a hidden lab, Scales start to form on him.

Curt: “No no come on just… where WHERE IS IT!”

He swipes beakers off the desk trying to find a serum, A new arm bursts from Curt’s left arm, suddenly a voice comes from the back of the room

Kirkland: “Tsktsktsk You really wanna stay as this human form? Curt as one scientist to another we’ve perfected evolution! Come transform and…”

Kirkland’s body twists and morphs as the antidote Curt was looking for shatters as he transforms into the Man-Bat

Man-Bat: “JOIN ME LIZARD AND WE CAN RULE THESE STREETS TOGETHER!”

Curt’s eyes blur as he shakes uncontrollably

Curt: “I… I was trying to… save ARGGHHHH”

A tail bursts and crushes the table behind Curt as his body elongates, His face becomes longer and bigger as his lab jacket shreds, Rows of spikes shoot out of his back as he completes the transformation

Lizard: “AND NOW YOU’LL PAY!”

—————
FIGHT:
————

The Lizard roars and lunges at Man-Bat swiping at him, He chomps onto Man-Bat’s neck, He prepares to swipe Man-Bat’s head but Man-Bat shrieks at the Lizard pushing him back, Man-Bat then slams into the lizard, Pushing him into a wall

Man-Bat: “WE COULD’VE RULED THIS CITY TOGETHER!”

Lizard: "Except for the fact I never wanted this!”

The Lizard back hands Man-Bat and charges into him breaking through the laboratory walls hanging him above the city streets and roars

Lizard: “BUT YOU DO, YOU SEALED YOUR OWN FATE BY YOUR HUBRIS!”

Man-Bat shrieks and kicks Lizard back but the Lizard grabs onto one of Man-Bat’s legs and slams Man-Bat into a wall, Shattering it as bricks fall onto the streets below, Man-Bat claws at the Lizards eyes and digs into the Lizards skin and drags him off the floor of the laboratory and drops him down, The Lizard tries to hold on but the Man-Bat shrieks at him making him fall down and crash on top of a random car but the Lizard gets up and chucks it at Man-Bat who dodged it, Man-Bat dives and tackles The Lizard into a random store and bursts through the other side and above the Gotham Costco, Man-Bat holds him above the store, Slashing and piercing into the Lizard’s skin and tears off a tail which falls down and crashes through the Costco’s roof, The Lizard then immediately chomps onto one of Man-Bat’s wings, Tearing multiple holes into it causing Man-Bat to spiral out of control, The Lizard then slashes across Man-Bat’s chest spilling blood but Man-Bat let’s go of the Lizard and shrieks causing him to be sent through the costco’s roof first while Man-Bat falls down but lands safely, He lifts up his wing with the holes in it and sighs

Man-Bat: “Shit… alright where oh where are you”

Suddenly the Lizard crashes through a standee and slaps Man-Bat with his tail making him crash through a pile of outdoor tools

Man-Bat: “But I just-“

Lizard: “Come on… You know how you’re a scientist BUT NOT THE BETTER ONE!”

The Lizard roars and charges at Man-Bat who narrowly dodges and let’s out a shriek that doesn’t affect the Lizard

Lizard: “Losing your voice eh Kirk?”

Man-Bat, Smirking: “Thankfully no, But you will!”

Suddenly hundreds of bats fly from in the store and swarming in from outside at the lizard, They slash and bite into him as the Lizard tries to swipe them away getting a few until he lets out a roar

Lizard: “Let’s see you have fun at your own game…”

Suddenly Iguana’s, Alligator’s and every other lizard in sent in and tries to attack the bats, An Alligator chomps onto Man-Bat’s leg suddenly a rumbling is heard as a massive lizard starts approaching

Lizard: “There you are, CROC SICK THESE BATS!”

All of a sudden Killer croc bursts into the Costco and slams into the Lizard, Freeing Curt from the Bats as Croc starts to attack the bats, Man-Bat runs away from the fight to try and hide but the Lizard spots him and rushes towards him but Man-Bat sends multiple shrieks at Lizard who dodges them and lands a slash across Man-Bat’s face who immediately kicks the lizard back and shrieks him into an isle which topples on top of him, Man-Bat slowly escapes the Costco licking his wounds when suddenly the Lizard jumps through a wall and tackles Man-Bat who kicks him off into an oil tanker causing the tanker to explode, Man-Bat spots the Lizard opening a sewer grate and jumping in

Man-Bat: “Coward…”

Man-Bat immediately gives chase and drops down into the sewer spotting a destroyed wall revealing an old laboratory

Man-Bat: “Ah gotcha”

Man-Bat rushes in and spots the Lizard hiding in a corner, Smiling he immediately rushed and strikes him, Revealing it was his old skin

Man-Bat: “What the f-“

The lizard now bigger and larger bursts through the wall in front of him chucks Man-Bat back and roars

Man-Bat: “You want your own upgrade then let’s even out the playing field!”

Man-Bat takes out a syringe of Venom and injects himself with it, Screaming as his body twists and morphs into King Man-Bat and roars

Man-Bat: “NO MORE HIDING THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS FOR YOU!”

The two charge at each other punching and slashing at each other, The Lizard bites onto King Man-Bat’s left arm and crushes his teeth onto them breaking the bone, He then wraps tail around his neck and starts to choke Man-Bat when all of a sudden a huge wave of sewer water is heard rushing down the sewer system, Man-Bat getting an idea tips himself over causing the Lizard to fall over and hit his head onto a pipe, Man-Bat then steps onto the Lizard’s back and stabs and rips the bones from the Lizard’s legs and digs his claws into the back of the Lizard holding him in front of the wave which crashes into him, The Lizard is knocked back but Man-Bat holds his ground and throws him away so he can escape the wave, Above ground a manhole cover shakes when all of a sudden the area around it explodes as King Man-Bat escapes and climbs onto safe ground

King Man-Bat: “Trying to save me? You weren’t even a challenge for the MAN-BAT!”

Helicopter lights shine onto him blinding him for a second but more importantly a wave of water is heard swishing below him, Suddenly the lizard bursts from the ground and lunges at Man-Bat but Man-Bat counters by blocking an attack from his right side from the Lizard’s tail by slicing it off and slices Lizard’s left arm and grabs onto the Lizard’s head digging in

Man-Bat: “Let this be a lesson! That no one is a greater… Greater scientific genius than… kirk?”

Meanwhile the Lizard with his right arm extended stabs a syringe into Man-Bat’s neck, King Man-Bat reverts to Man-Bat and slowly towards Kirkland

Kirkland: “No… NO HOW DARE YOU I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS”

The Lizard lifts Kirkland by his throat and snarls

The Lizard: “You wanted a monster? You got one.”

The lizard shoves his left arm into Kirkland forcing it to regrow inside Kirkland, The hand bursts from Kirkland who screams, The lizard throws Kirkland down slicing off his legs and then an arm before grabbing him and biting off his head as Kirkland screams, The Lizard tired and bloodied let’s out a massive roar before noticing an unfamiliar mobile coming towards him.

KO

Mae: “Oh Jesus that was pretty disgusting and looks like the Man-Bat couldn’t fly his way out of this one and honestly it’s fairly simple we’ll break it down into Strength, Agility, Intelligence, Abilities and Biology starting with Strength.”

Maria: “Strength is actually easy as remember Man-Bat is more so focused on speed not attack, Even if he’s fighting Batman constantly Lizard is fighting Spider-Man constantly and actually overpowering him each time while Batman is fairly able to overpower Kirkland. But what about Venom? Well Lizard still has the upper hand as the Venom is mostly putting them on equal ground while Lizard can shed and become even stronger than before also when debating physical strength Weight and Height are factors and the Lizard is way heavier and and longer than Man-Bat Point for the Lizard.”

Mae: “But who was more athletic? Well this was more tricky to figure out as while this mostly depends on the environment most times Man-Bat was more athletic due to being able to soar in the sky which would appear in fights way more than water but also remember how Man-Bat wasn’t as strong as the Lizard? Well this is because he essentially was just putting all his stats into one bag meaning a good win condition was Man-Bat just striking over and over again and picking and dropping the lizard though this would just usually end with the Lizard landing an attack. Plus again the Lizard is more faster and agile in water while Man-Bat can fly and glide climb with ease, Point for Man-Bat
L.O.T: “But who exactly was the better scientist, Ironically in a fight between two monsters in men the men were actually important which came down to few factors, Control, Serums and overall intelligence starting with Control the Lizard outscaled Man-Bat in every way, In most instances Curt can go days without falling into complete control to the Lizard’s animalistic instincts while Man-Bat… Well let’s just say it’s sorta the opposite and while his control has gotten better that control is only thanks to digesting serums while Curt Connors is usually in control not to mention the multiple times where the Lizard and Curt were basically the same person meaning Curt wins control but what about their serums and while fairly different Curt just had way better serums for taking down Man-Bat while Man-Bat’s serums were better for keeping him in control and knocking people out which are good but Lizard’s serums were not only more potent but also just in general more effective it wouldn’t take long for Curt to figure out a way for him to override Kirkland’s DNA which he’s done in the past especially on himself and others though it wouldn’t be easy and lastly Curt takes intelligence mostly due to one factor his sanity has stayed intact over the course of multiple years of being the lizard and has actually helped out Peter and the gang from time to time, had a job at the most prestigious corporation of all time being Oscorp and while Curt has fallen under the control of the lizard multiple times he’s still retained his sanity while Kirkland just kinda devolved into insanity meaning thanks to Curt Connors having the better mental fortitude and overall intellect he takes intelligence.

Mae: “Next up is their Abilities and this was fairly close as while Man-Bat’s regen was stated to be fairly strong the Lizard’s Regenerative abilities worked way faster regrowing limbs in just a minute Man-Bat had a better way of countering attacks that the Lizard just couldn’t deal with that being his high pitched screams that could stun him and both had better ways of movement being in sky or sea, Both could summon animals and while the lizard’s was better because it gave him control over actual characters so he could just summon someone like killer croc remember that all depends on where the fight takes place, They were surprisingly fairly close with both cons and pros but we think this is a tie in this category.”
Maria: “And finally Biology, as a scientist I feel like it’s only right for me to comment on this, Who was right in what was the best animal for humanity to evolve into or at least who was the better animal and well it’s not really a surprise, For this we’ll be using actual animals and biological factors for this and well starting off with who was faster and it was between the Black Spiny tailed Iguana which can move at speeds of 21 MPH or for you Americans 34.9KM/H while the fastest bat being the Brazilian free-tailed bat was way faster being able to move at speeds of 99.42 MPH or 160 KM/H though that’s just one area of the fight who was more deadly? Well it sides with the lizard because due to their sizes bats mostly don’t need a larger size or deadly bite force while an Alligator has one of the strongest bite forces on the planet being the nile crocodile being 5,000 PSI for example we hum- well im not a human but you humans have a bite force greater than bats and you only have a bite force of 160 PSI meaning the Lizard takes the deadly side but finally what about their respective abilities well the Lizard/Reptile family tree line just has way more abilities while bats only really have sonar and maybe toxic bites depending on species. The Reptile tree just had way better abilities like limb regrowth, venom, a way higher intelligence, color changing, wall climbing, better eye movements, and able to sense prey or predators from far away meaning the better animal is the Lizard”

L.O.T: “While Man-Bat was more Athletic and had some ability to counter the Lizard there just wasn’t anything he could do against the Lizard’s overwhelming strength, intelligence, regeneration and overall biology, While Kirkland sought to evolve humanity Curt Connors did it first and better looks like Kirkland can’t out… yeah we got nothing”

THE WINNER IS THE LIZARD

Chapter Text

KYOGRE
VS
CHAOS
(Pokémon Vs Sonic)

Kyorge emerges from the water unleashing water pulse on Chaos

FIGHT!

Maria: “The Sea Basin Pokemon Kyogre.”

L.O.T: “Or the guardian God of the Chao’s Chaos.”

Mae: “The Ocean, It’s vast and large containing hundreds, thousands possibly millions of unique lifeforms and many we don’t know about and some are more terrifying and mystical than others.”

——————————
ANALYSIS STARTED
——————————

KYOGRE HATES THAT DAMN LIZARD:

Mae: “In the world of Pokemon there are many unique areas, The boundless skies containing beautiful and majestic birds, The deep and dark areas of caves, the limitless mountains and landscapes of the land but no place is as rich in creatures as the ocean.”

L.O.T: “And not to mention the legendary and mythical pokemon like the bird that kills people, Gods of time and space, Pokemon representing the sun and moon but all of them are hard to find especially in the sea where one Pokemon above them all rests, The Legendary Pokemon Kyogre!”

Maria: “Now while being represented as essentially the personification of the sea and ocean he is NOT the guardian of the sea that belongs to Lugia… A Psychic/Flying type but we won’t get into that because that’d involve a 30+ page documentary and a lot of tears and more bloodshed that has ever been on this show so anyways. Kyorge is an immensely powerful Pokemon being able to change the weather with ease and the complete opposite of Groudon minus in terms of power where the two titans are equal if you count Kyogre having the entire ocean to fight while Groudon as a small rock but the fights that are caused from these clashes are so powerful that if they ever fought for a long enough time the planet would be damaged beyond repair with Kyogre most likely winning as we see during Emerald Kyogre already caused it to rain instead of the sun being there.”

Mae: “This is exactly why Rayquaza exists because of these two are left alone or together they will flood/destroy everything and we’ve gone over Pokemon a lot so let’s just get the basics out of the way we’re only using the mainline games and anime plus the ton of movies alongside the Pokedex which states weaker Pokemon like Tyranitar are able to move entire mountains plus not to mention Kyogre’s stats being on par with Pokemon able to move faster than jets or having attack stat 10 points lower then Regigigas who can move the entire continents and Kyogre is certainly way more powerful than that slow starting giant, Hell in at least two timelines Kyogre actually succeeded at flooding the entire earth which is thanks to the existence of the ORAS special in Generations and Rainbow rockets Archie where he succeeded in freeing Kyogre who immediately flooded the entire world meaning it’s not only hypothetical or folklore (Because Pokemon folklore is weird) that Kyogre can actually flood the earth, Even when just woke(n) up Kyogre can cause massive tsunamis, thunderstorms, whirlpools though this skill set is not the only thing he has”

L.O.T: “Yeah thanks to being a Pokemon he has a massive and diverse movepool being able to use moves like Ancient power which can boost all of his stats by one, Thunder which thanks to his ability always hits, Able to create earthquakes with bulldoze, Heavy slam allows Kyogre to hit the opponent with the full force of his weight which deals more damage based on how much heavier it is or just slamming his body into the opponent with body slam or giga impact, He can also unleash massive beams with hyper beam though it comes with the caveat of not being able to attack the next turn, He’s also got moves to help with support with rain dance incase his rain is rid of, Aqua ring heals him over time, Can boost his stats with Calm mind, Block attacks with protect, Slow opponents with thunderwave and scary face and survive near death with Endure. He also has control over ice with blizzard, avalanche, icy wind or Ice beam but his best move is sheer cold which is a one hit KO move which while has a low chance to hit in games the anime shows it having as an area of effect move meaning we should take that into account especially as when Kyogre used it in a stronger state this sheer cold was able to seen over the horizon and wasn’t melted by Groudon who was basically a walking sun at this point. Though Kyogre’s best moves are what his type is being water having a large assortment of them like waterfall, waterpool, liquidation, surf, water pulse, water spout, muddy water, hydro pump, chilling water or his signature move Origin pulse which as the game states are ironically not water but “Countless beams of light”

Mae: “Though ironically there’s an origin to these origin pulses as you could see we’ve said stronger states well thing is that Kyogre was much stronger so much that Rayquaza eventually sealed him and Groudon away but it wouldn’t last as in present time Archie possessed the blue orb and reawakened Kyogre into his primal state, In this form he is massively buffed up where his previous form only had drizzle he has primordial sea which is the opposite to Primal Groudon’s ability Desolate land where Kyogre is able completely evaporate attacks that are linked to fire even moves that burn as hot as the sun are evaporated by this ability, It also massively boosts water type attacks, Kyogre is also able to be on par with the gods of time, space, satan and… kyreum thanks to the unfortunate existence of that terrible shitty hoopa movie, This is also where Kyogre was able to be on par with Mega Rayquaza who thanks to dragon ascent was able to cross the solar system in just two seconds though Kyogre would eventually be stopped… twice because it’s Mega Rayquaza who has a higher stat total then fucking God himself, Hell this has been Kyogre’s entire existence as being born of the sea or a personification of it he’s battled Groudon in a constant battle of dominion over the earth that only stopped because of the prayers of the people and Rayquaza.”

Maria: “Though as a Pokemon he does have some faults like type match ups, Never really explained it in previous match ups but we’ll discuss it here, The reason why we bring up typing is because certain moves are less and more effective on each other, basic Pokemon knowledge I know but still, Water type attacks don’t really work on water types they work yes but they’re not really effective compared to Electric type attacks which hit for 2X the damage, And if we’re going by Pokemon logic these moves only have a limited amount of PP or Pokepower before Kyogre is forced to use struggle, But doesn’t really matter with the amount of power that Primal Kyogre has outshines or out tides (Yes that is a real world worth a google search) his flaws even when presented with the blue orb, An item specifically to control his powers Primal Kyogre just ignored it and killed Archie anyways.”

L.O.T: “Thankfully this whale’s anger and judgment is quelled for now thanks to belonging to Brendan or May or whoever has it in masters but like that isn’t canon and what not so we’re safe for now but as shown before if Kyogre is ever freed again and reverted to it’s primal state, We’re all doomed by drowning in the endless sea of Kyogre’s domain, We’d ask Archie his thoughts but dead bodies can’t speak now can’t they?”

Archie: “As long as I have the blue orb Kyogre will do my bidding!”

Archie throws the blue orb at Kyogre causing it to awaken and transform into Primal Kyogre, It leaps into the air

Archie: “Now Primal Kyogre, Destroy everything!”

HOW PERFECT IS PERFECT CHAOS?:

Maria: “Ah Earth… Or Mobius, it’s not really confirmed in modern day Sonic lore isn’t it so peaceful?”

Mae: “Well until some bald man, Egg shaped like man comes around that is”

Maria: “…Say that again?”

Mae: “Shuddup, Anyways with all this peace there’s always chaos and no character better symbolizes chaos better then… Chaos.”

L.O.T: “Kinda on the nose but it’s fitting as Chaos is the God of destruction and the reason why the Echidnas or at least Knuckles tribe went extinct. You see the Knuckles tribe was at war with another tribe and the chief of the clan wanted to use their secret weapon, The Chaos emeralds to wipe out the enemy though he would be stopped in his tracks by small creatures called Chao and his own daughter but unfortunately for the daughter Tikal she wouldn’t be enough as her father and the rest pushed through but there was one more line of defence, a creature that rested inside the Master Emerald, Chaos who harnessed the power of the emeralds and wiped out the clan except for Tikal and Knuckles but unfortunately it wouldn’t last as Tikal in order to keep Chaos from going any further and destroying the world would seal herself and Chaos in the master emerald in order to protect everyone.”

Mae: “And that comes to an end for our nah just fucking with you, People don’t stay sealed in stories Chaos got freed later on 4000 years later by none other then the mean bean emperor himself, Doctor Eggman. They would team up so Chaos can harness the power of the emeralds again and Eggman can rule the world, And these Emeralds are no joke, This is a little weird as the emeralds power levels in terms of scaling are usually flip flopped but that’s because of how it’s harnessed, The emeralds by themselves in their natural state could destroy the planet with ease as one emerald by itself was able to drag a massive chunk of the earth by itself and all seven could break the universe due to Super Sonic, Shadow and Silver being able to defeat enemies like Solaris and the End while empowered by the emeralds. And Chaos is certainly able to not only absorb the emeralds but is already connected to them due to being a mutated Chao thanks to the master emerald, Comics get weird man.”

Maria: “But Chaos wouldn’t have all this power right away he’d be stuck in Chaos 0 and would come across the blue blur aka Sonic the Hedgehog and would put up a decent fight despite being in a much weaker state though this was helped due to Sonic not really being able to kill Chaos as Chaos has a pretty good defensive advantage being made of water and as you know hedgehogs don’t have any way of cleaning up water but also because his entire being a core stored in his body, Yeah that gross pink thing in him? Yeah that’s his actual body and as long as that is around so is Chaos and as long as water is also around Chaos can perfectly (Fuck off Cell) regenerate himself doesn’t even matter which form he is in and thanks to the emeralds he has multiple like Chaos 1, Which is just Chaos 0 but bigger and one hand larger then the other, Chaos 2 samething but both arms are equal length, Chaos 4 Gains the ability to swim and a forceshield and becoming more aquatic and a fucking stressful fight for a kid who eats their controller aka me, and his final imperfect form is Chaos 6 which becomes a massive golliath able to attack with it’s tail and suck in foes with his vacuum breath but would eventually be stopped by Big the cat and all was right with the world… Well until it of course wasn’t. But before we get to that let’s go over his abilities”

L.O.T: “Thanks to his control of water he essentially has control over his entire body being able shape himself for anything making himself smaller or extending his arms or turning into a puddle or even able to control water as in blasting it out as well blasts, He can also glide for a short distance in SA2 battle mode, throw balls of water at people, Able to heal himself though he doesn’t really need it because he can just regenerate his body from damage via his body being water, he can create ice sculptures thanks to being a member in the olympics… why not he can also freeze time for 30 seconds, Why? Who knows all this means he’s in the same spot as Amy as being a sonic character with better time stopping abilities than Dio, He can also resist being destroyed by one hit ko attacks with Ichikord gauge, He can also burrow underground, Hit you with a multitude of attacks with Chaos at the start. All of this basically confirms the notion of Chaos being the God of destruction but it wasn’t over yet as Chaos had one more trick up his sleeve.”

Mae: “Said trick being perfect Chaos, It’s Chaos but perfect because goddamn look at that design well jokes on you, You’re reading this on a text based format so you can’t look at it!”

Maria slaps Mae’s head making her mask come off, Mae immediately ducks under the desk to get readjusted

L.O.T: “Isn’t that a little mean?”

Maria: “The jokes about our budget being basically a penny and napkin has gotten old already.”

L.O.T: “Don’t we stream this in space though? We gotta be making money right??”

Maria: “WE’RE NOT DOING LORE HERE WE’RE DISCUSSING CHARACTERS WHO WANTS LORE IN A VS SHOW, Anyways Chaos gained this form when he absorbed the negative energy of the Chaos Emeralds though not the positive side meaning he should have half the power of the chaos emeralds power at least in this regard, While in this form he was able to flood the entire city of Station square bursting through the buildings that laid around it, He also gained some neat abilities like causing water spouts strong enough to rip concrete off the ground, Launch Water tornadoes, attack from a far with these weird little water sphere energy ball things, And attack with his tentacles where he can finally grab things and is most likely the trade off of being unable to move anymore and even unleash a massive beam of energy which destroyed the egg carrier 2 in a single blast and made younger me think Chaos just fucking killed Eggman.”

Mae, Getting up with her mask on: “Yeah the world was basically doomed expect for one thing Sonic or more accurately Super Sonic because despite the energy being drained from the Chaos Emeralds only the negative energy was so using the positive energy of the emeralds Sonic was finally able to combat Chaos and defeat him once and for all using the power of love and kindness not hatred and destruction, Though while everyone thought Chaos was going to attack again it was revealed that all he needed was to be loved or just get the shit beaten out of him, After all don’t we all need a little love?”

L.O.T: “And Tikal would seal herself and Chaos once more in the master emerald… Well until it was shattered again where they… didn’t come out? We don’t know Chaos is probably on a beach somewhere just vibbing if he is out there now, Because thanks to Sonic the God of Destruction finally learnt to live and learn.”

Mae: “…Also Tails what do you mean Alls well that ends well, EVERYONE IN THE CITY FUCKING DIED”

—————————
ANALYSIS OVER
—————————
Mae: “Alright we’ve gone over their feats and flaws and it’s time to see who’d win.”
L.O.T: “It’s all up to them now and let’s see who’ll win.”
——————
PRE-FIGHT
——————
Deep underneath water in a sea cavern team aqua walks through it like they own it
Archie: “We weren’t followed right?”
Team Aqua Grunt #1: “Nay Boss go ahead”
Team Aqua Grunt #2: “Let’s make ya dream come true boss!”
The grunts hand Archie a box containing the blue chaos emerald, Archie takes it and holds it above the lake where Kyogre rests
Archie: “ALRIGHT KYORGE LISTEN UP THE WORLD IS DISARRAY BECAUSE OF US HUMANS WE NEED A WORLD FULL OF WATER FOR POKEMON SO GET TO WORK!”
Kyogre immediately wakes up and charges at Archie but only because suddenly a water like creature appears out of nowhere and attacks Archie, Only stopped by Kyogre using giga impact
————
FIGHT:
————
Chaos is sent flying into the wall as Kyogre prepares a hyper beam but Chaos extends his arms onto Kyogre’s mouth and shuts it close causing Kyogre to be sent flying back, Chaos drops down in front of Archie and swipes the emerald from him transforming into Chaos 1 but Kyogre immediately uses bulldoze causing the cave to collapse

Shelly: “Boss this way!”

Shelly appears from a side passage and the team aqua members all run towards it

Archie: “B-But Kyogre!”

Shelly: “We’ll figure it out on the way out now come on!”

Chaos immediately grapples onto a piece of salagmite and swings across the field and drops on top of Kyogre and starts beating Kyogre like a drum until Kyogre flops backwards and uses water pulse on Chaos sending him back into the caves walls, As Kyogre prepares to leave Chaos extends his arm and grapples onto Kyogre, Kyogre attempts to shake Chaos off but it doesn’t work until a second emerald hits Chaos transforming him into Chaos 2, Kyogre then turns around quickly and hyper beams Chaos sending Chaos into the open sea where he’s immediately sucked into a whirlpool thrashing him around when suddenly he’s hit by a giga impact sending him into the sky where drizzles activates, the sea rages as Chaos hops onto a rock and throws water balls at Kyogre

[It’s not very effective]

Kyogre roars and unleashes a blizzard freezing the entire battlefield but allowing Chaos to get more ground and spots 2 more chaos emeralds frozen in the water and smashes the ice and uses them to transform into Chaos 4 and chases after Kyogre, Smashing their bodies together like a car chase until Chaos sneaks below Kyogre and flips him over, Kyogre retaliates by using hydro pump, Pushing Chaos into an oil tanker ship causing it to explode, Waves crash all around the area suddenly then Kyogre uses Thunder and blasts the oil tanker over and over and over again but is interrupted by Chaos appearing behind Kyogre and
Slashes him, Roaring in pain Kyogre grabs onto Chaos but Chaos just smacks his mouth and pries it open in order to escape and blasts water balls at Kyogre only angering the big whale even more causing Kyogre to use Origin pulse blasting Chaos towards Lilycove city, Waves crash around Kyogre who spots a green and red jewel being dragged towards Lilycove and spots Archie’s submarine surface getting a familiar feeling from it meanwhile floods formed around and lightning crackled as a massive tsunami crashes into the city, hurricanes form, twisters form as two bright lights emerge from the chaos as Primal Kyogre and Perfect Chaos forms into existence both let out massive roars at each other as water splashes against everywhere violently and Chaos uses his tentacles which ravage through the massive waves, Kyogre dodges them and uses ice beam freezing the tendrils and shattering them and landing a hype beam on Chaos’s face causing Chaos to flinch and smash it’s face into a skyscraper, But the wound regenerates and Chaos unleashes a massive blast that sears through the waves but Kyogre dodges it and uses Thunder on Chaos electrocuting the entire area, Kyogre then uses Origin pulse multiple times on Chaos who blocks the blasts with lifted up concrete and throws them at Kyogre who is knocked back and smacked by a tentacle causing Kyogre to be sent flying straight into a mountain and Chaos prepares to strike with a tendril but suddenly Kyogre’s eyes shine

[Kyogre used Sheer cold!]

Perfect Chaos is then surrounded by a violent wind of snow and ice as the area surrounding him is frozen alongside buildings, boats, Pokemon and People alike including the tentacle that was supposed to strike down Kyogre and even shatters when Kyogre roars at it, Kyogre rhen prepares to finish it with an origin pulse when suddenly Chaos’s eye twitches as he breaks out of the ice but just in time to be blasted by multiple lasers from Kyogre, Kyogre uses ice beam over and over again freezing parts of Chaos but suddenly Chaos freezes time, Using his tentacles grabs onto Kyogre and blasts a beam at Kyogre soon as the time stop ability stops causing both to unleash their attacks at each other, It causes a massive explosion that surrounds the area and causing a shockwave that destroys everything in it’s wake…

Suddenly the dust settles as the seas calm down and rain and blood drips down on a shattered sapphire as Chaos now with water mixed with blood roars over Kyogre’s corpse

KO:

Mae: “Damn… Anyone up for some Calamari?”

L.O.T: “This was an incrediblely close and interesting match up we’ll split into seven categories, Speed, Attack Potency, Durability, Hax, Abilities, Experience and Overall Skill starting with Speed.”

Maria: “Speed was fairly easy to figure out, Even if we high all Chaos to be around Sonic’s lowest speed that’d only cap out to be Subsonic as it was during Adventure 1 and the blue blur has certainly gotten much faster over the course of the years but that’s the thing over time, Chaos gets slower and slower over the course of the fight until becoming immobile as Perfect Chaos, Not to mention Kyogre is pretty damn fast being able to dodge lightning, soundwaves and even light beams from moves like solarbeam or hyper beam even if we highball Chaos to MFTL he still loses this category due to becoming completely unable to move in his perfect state meaning Kyogre takes Speed.”

Mae: “Though Attack Potency was a little more difficult to figure out as both have been shown to be incredibly powerful capable of flooding the entire world but only Kyogre has successfully done it but also faster, Kyogre had a much bigger range and effect on the floods it caused not to mention the bonus factors, Chaos only really flooded the city of station square while Kyogre was causing massive tsunami’s, storms, whirlpools, Not to mention the fact that was just the effects of Kyogre in his primal form he was still capable of summoning more storms or attacking with beams of light or especially Sheer cold which would OHKO any opponent, Though you can argue the chaos emeralds destroying th earth would allow Chaos to take this but context is important and Chaos only absorbed the negative energy not the full power which would just make Chaos a little bit weaker than Kyogre in tjis regard meaning Kyogre takes AP.”

L.O.T: “But not durability as Chaos just had a lot more of… well really nothing, Yeah this was strange but despite having a better attack potency Kyogre really had nothing to damage Perfect Chaos as the water type moves would just not be very effective on a being compromised of water, Well what about Kyogre? Well funny thing is Kyogre compared to Groudon has a lower defensive stat but also had no way of actually getting past Chaos’s body and reach it’s core even if Kyogre landed a Sheer cold or freezed Chaos he would just break free as he’s done before but even if Kyogre destroyed Chaos’s body it would just come back, The defence was just too strong for Kyogre to really do much meaning Chaos takes durability.”

Maria: “And too no surprise Chaos takes Hax, Due to the way Chaos works his body as long as water was there would always regenerate meaning Kyogre was out of luck as his presence meant rain and floods would not only follow suit but also because Kyogre needs the water to actually live meaning Kyogre had no way of getting past Chaos’s Hax and Kyogre’s own hax just fed into Chaos practically making Chaos invincible towards all of Kyogre’s hax including countering some back not to mention the only way to kill Chaos would be either purification or destroying his core which again is hidden behind layers upon layers of thick water which Kyogre had no way of getting through as stated before. Even the way Chaos lost in Sonic Adventure 1 was situational due to Sonic calming Chaos down which would not be possible in this fight meaning Chaos takes Hax.”

Mae: “And finally a new section due to a tie, A tie breaker must be held here so, Who had more ways of actually winning we’ll be judging this on how easy they are and how plentiful they are. Starting off Kyogre’s wincon of freezing Chaos could work but only for a bit then Chaos is right back and up into the action ready to fight, Another wincon is targeting Chaos’s core though this was more difficult as Chaos’s cores aka the thing keeping him alive is hidden behind again a shit ton of water which Kyogre had no way of safely getting towards said cores, Not to mention Chaos being on par with power levels meant it was way too risky for Kyogre to get in and attack but also knowingly attack the cores directly, Even Absorption of the chaos emeralds wouldn’t work as Chaos only absorbed the negative energy not the emeralds themselves meaning getting that energy out of Chaos would be impossible. While Chaos’s wincons were much easier basically just landing a hit and blasting that son of a bitch away to the afterlife or just landing a bite on Kyogre who didn’t have much of really anything to counter back. Not to mention the fact Chaos has a specific counter towards sheer cold that allows him to survive 1 Hit KO moves just like Sheer cold, This means Chaos while not having more wincons has the most easiest and most likely wincons to pull off meaning Chaos takes the Win in Wincon.”

Maria: “It was an incredibly deadly and probably the second most destructive fight we’ve covered but in the end Kyogre’s speed and Attacks couldn’t do anything towards Chaos’s immense Durability , Hax and win conditions, Kyogre tried to reach for the core of the fight but by the end Kyogre was washed.”

THE WINNER IS CHAOS

Chapter Text

DONKEY KONG
VS
CRASH BANDICOOT
(… VS …)

Mae: “Donkey Kong, Hoarder of the bananas and friend of Pauline”

Maria: “Crash Bandicoot, The crazy mammal from down under and sensei of the skylands”

L.O.T: “The Jungle is a wild place but what happens when you put an even wilder animal in it well you get these two lovable animals.”

Mae: “Our job is to research their feats, flaws, weirdness and everything in between and figure out who’s the most likely to win.”

ANALYSIS STARTED

DONKEY KONG IS VERY HARD:

Maria: “The year is 1981 Ronald Regan was just almost killed, HIV was discovered, The Space Shuttle Columbia is launched and more importantly arcades are still booming. Games like Galaga, Pac-Man Space invaders, Rally X, Centipede, Frogger and… and fucking Gorf who knows but one game stood above the rest, A cabinet that shined with light blue and a monkey throwing barrels, Said Monkey was not just a regular monkey but a kong and the leader of the bunch, Donkey Kong.”

Mae: “Ironically enough this name actually got Nintendo sued by Universal for infringing on King Kong but their lawyer John Kirby won the lawsuit by arguing that it’s parody and this victory kinda created Kirby so that’s some history for ya, but first off as mario is an extremely large game series filled with mainline, movies, spin offs, mangas and whatever in between what will we be using? Well for today we’ll be using the mainline mario games, the mainline Donkey Kong games (ie DK country and Bananza) the spin off Donkey kong games like the sex game I mean Barrel blast and king of swing alongside the mario movie as they cover Donkey Kong’s character pretty well but our main focus is the newest entry Bananza.”

L.O.T: “Which gets insane but we’ll get to that right now, As the timeline is weird but-“

Mae: “Don’t even start. Okay here I drew out the entire kong timeline so Donkey kong (The arcade game takes place first and after that sometime passes Donkey kong alongside the other star children are born, What are star children? Well as Kamek describes it “Children born with extraordinary power” Which makes sense until you see one of the children is a fucking gorilla who can crush your skull with a single clap and no shit he’s powerful he’s a FUCKING GORILLA, And after that Cranky Kong who was the original Donkey Kong passes his title onto Donkey Kong, But what is the title of Donkey significance? WHO FUCKING KNOWS HE WAS BORN WITH A TIE WERE YOU BORN WITH A TIE!? I DONT FUCKING THINK SO! And after that Donkey Kong Country’s trilogy takes place where after that K rool is sent to LITERAL HELL and then Donkey kong emits an insane radiation of Sex with Barrel blast yeah we’re referencing scott the woz deal with it and which brings us to today…”

L.O.T: “… is she?”

Maria: “She’s still recovering from the break up just let her be, Anyways but it wouldn’t be until while working as a miner that Donkey Kong would come across his most challenging opponent yet, Parenting when he came across a small rock that would turn out to be the young Pauline the two would need to team up and escape to the top and defeat Void Co but for this he would need to get stronger, Stronger then ever before”

Mae: “And he got hella strong where he’s now able to carve through tons and tons of layers of ground, able to carve entire mountain scapes with ease and shatter pure gold, He’s also done one hell of a job in the past like constantly defeating K rool, able to punch faster than meteorites entering earth’s atmosphere and lift the ground around him up and yes punched the moon out of orbit though this isn’t as impressive as it seems as the moon is not the main moon, Okay for some reason above DK island (don’t think too hard about it) there’s an entire second moon that is around the same size as the island as by comparing the size and by the fact it just pops back into the sky with no change in tides we can safely say that this isn’t our main moon and comparing the size of it, This moon punch would have the force of 410 terratons of TNT and that’s just by a single semi wind up punch, DK is certainly outputting more power against tougher foes especially compared to Yoshi who once created an entire constellation and as Wiz said “His strength is certainly above the green dinosaur” If you want an example of how much force Donkey Kong is using in his punches, The biggest nuclear bomb ever set off the Tsar bomb was set off with a load of 50 megatons, So let’s calculate this, 1000 megatons are in a single gigaton, And 1000 Gigatons are in a Terraton meaning Donkey Kong is hitting you with the equivalent of a punch worth 410000000X greater than the largest nuclear bomb ever set off what the fuck are they feeding this dude”

L.O.T: “Bananas actually so much he’s once ate an entire plantation and hoarded the entire banana population which constantly gets stolen right under his nose but to be fair Donkey Kong is genuinely really really dumb and that’s not a jab that’s just canon he is so stupid that mind control just straight up didn’t effect him. But if pure strength is not enough he has a wealthy supply of weapons and tools like his coconut gun and which in reality is just a coconut shotgun and it’s gonna hurt, barrels he can just chuck at you, animal rides, and his two best things first being the Crystal Coconut yes really we’re bringing the cartoon into this but in short the Crystal coconut is what DK used to guard and allows the user to make any wish as stated by Cranky Kong it’s a teleporter, a fortune teller, a power supplier and a wish granter” though the coconut's powers are a little inconsistent with the fact it’s a plot device in a 90’s tv show, It’s able to heal wounds, freeze time minus for the animals and turn invisible basically whatever you can think of though with one caveat you actually need to think and speak your wishes or at least think which while was no problem for DK in the cartoon nowadays he uh… he can’t really speak minus for the occasional Okay! And having a really short attention span.”

Maria: “But his newest arsenal point is Pauline yes Pauline counts, Pauline was critical to escaping to the surface and also allowed Donkey Kong to transform! By using songs Pauline can transform Donkey kong into a wide variety of animals like a bird to fly or an elephant to suck up and shoot out projectiles or his best one the Kong Banaza boosting Kong's strength above anything and as the game states this form boosts his strength alongside giving him a much stronger wind up punch and remember how strong Donkey Kong was before? Well nothing can stop him now!”

Mae: “Well he still had one final challenge, The unexpected return of the king of rot, King K Rool who used the banandium root to create his perfect world. A world filled with rot and it was up to Donkey Kong to finally put the Kremlin king down for good and for once and for all he punched that no good crocodile over the horizon and all was good, They reached the surface!

But… this wasn’t Donkey Kong’s dream it was Pauline’s, Donkey Kong never really got to fulfill his wish as he helped Pauline the entire time and now it was up to Pauline to help him as the two went the separate paths nothing would strain their friendship after all who doesn’t love a good ol story about a big monster taking care and protecting a small child, No seriously Monsters inc, Five nights at Freddy’s Security breach there’s quite a few but more importantly do not mess with the leader of the bunch because by God he’ll make it hurt.”

Pauline: “You and me DK, We’re the best!”

Donkey kong gives an affirmative thumbs up and smiles

IS CRASH TRULY BROKE AND HOMELESS??:

(Note: We’re not using feats that come from costumes in Crash racing nitro so no weather manipulation or being able to circle around the planet in a second but dw he has better feats)

Mae: “Ah the good ol Neo Cortext, Just a normal scientist trying to conquer the world just simple things but unfortunately for him one of these experiments would go wrong and so oh so wrong as while experimenting on the Australian animal Bandicoot he would mutate this Marsupial into something terrifying something devastating a being only known as the homeless one or more accurately Crash Bandicoot.”

L.O.T: “Because you see despite having a lot of great candidates to lead his army in order to take over the world he gave the spot of general to the bandicoot the one most… Insane but not in a good way, Yeah you see when Cortext used the evolvo ray on Crash he kinda you know, the brain difference and honestly just pure stupidity of Crash made him immune to the brain washing. Which unfortunately for Dr Neo cortex just meant he created his worst enemy yet and ever because this Bandicoot is a one man army unfortunately.”

Maria: “Like how he was able to regenerate his entire body after being reduced to dust by electricity, survive tons of wooden crates falling onto him in rapid succession, be okay after being crushed by a giant 100 Ton bellsurvived explosions point blank and also survive atmospheric re entry that had a worth of 2 million tons of TNT, That is six zeroes and has also faced off against Homer and Bart Simpson in Crash 3”
(Note: they only appear as placeholder icons for the beta but thought it was funny to show)

Mae: “And despite L.O.T. Saying he’s dumb that’s kinda of a lie, He’s not really smart as in the 1 + 1 = 3 type of way but he’s focused his intelligence into other areas like being incredibly athletic and fast being able to dodge lightning, lasers from Cortex on multiple occasions, even drive a motorcycle through space and pass by the moon and stars in just a couple seconds or even keep up with his sisters ship which was able to fly to Jupiter in just 48 seconds making him undoubtedly FTL”

Maria: “…what the fuck”

Mae: “It’s crash honestly when discussing this series just ignore all logic”

Maria: “Rightttt. Anyways Crash while has shown signs of impeccable durability and speed he isn’t really the strongest but he makes up for it with his abundance of tools and gadgets made for him by his sister Coco with an IQ of 164 she’s been able to make some fancy stuff like a copy right free alien mech that can shoot out Wumpa fruits, Tons of Rayguns that were just laying around in On the run, The Fruit Bazooka which can fire again Wumpa fruit, Jet packs and a Copter Pak for aerial maneuverability, Tons of vehicles like a jeep, glided biplane or his trusty Motorcycle which as said before is fast enough to pass by stars and the moon, A fucking Cow or even a monkey strapped to dynamite for some reason I know we said don’t listen to logic when discussing Crash but why the fuck is there a monkey strapped to dynamite here what purpose does it serve”

L.O.T: “While Maria has a breakdown over that”

Maria: “WHY DOES IT EXIST WHO FUCKING MADE IT”

L.O.T: “…Crash’s most unique piece of his arsenal isn’t even really a tool but a living being called Aku Aku, His backstory is fairly weird being involved with reincarnation but basically he’s Crash’s adopted dad, Who adopted who? That’s still up in the air but what is known is how powerful he is, Aku Aku is able to create beams of energy, Create shields, teleport across dimensions, Absorb energy from nearby crystals or even make Crash bandicoot invincible for a short amount of time though it does seem to have a limit as the crash that was worth around 2 Million tons of TNT Aku Aku did say that he couldn’t believe they were okay meaning it’s possible that Aku Aku’s limit is around above 2 Million tons of TNT but remember we said dimensions?”

Mae: “Well it’s because Crash has travelled across them and gathered four unique masks from them because the multiverse plus space and time were collapsing you know regular shit, These masks are way too powerful with Ika Ika being able to reverse gravity itself, Akano is the he dark matter mask and able to reflect attacks, Kupuna Wa is time itself being able to see through time both past and present not future strangely enough and can even bend time itself and finally Lani Loli can literally remove and bring in objects from reality itself what the fuck.”

L.O.T: “Though this wouldn’t be enough as Crash still had some abilities like his iconic spin attack which can actually give Crash a small boost in speed and allows him to glide over some obstacles or even Mojo which is basically the life essence in the crash universe able to boost his strength durability and.. slide yeah not speed but slide or just go super saiyan but his most important abilities come from beyond his realm but lay in the…”

Mae: “Skylands yep we’re doing skylanders scaling welcome to hell everyone, So what is Skylanders well fucking google it but basically in skylanders there are 8 elements until trap team making the total 10 ike Fire, Tech, Water, Magic, Undead, Earth, Air Light and Dark and what Crash is, Life now these elements actually offer boosts when nearby their elements home field or can unlock special goodies and can destroy ghosts despite the whole not physical body thing but Crash is special as he’s a sensei introduced in the sadly last game Imaginators and Sensei’s are able to use Sky-Chi which is a powerful form of magic that causes a lot of damage to all enemies on screen though it does have a time re charge of 2 minutes, And for some reason the live systems in Skylanders are canon like Crash can return after dying five times, He even scales to other skylanders at least in imaginators only at a minimum who defeated Kaos who is able to cause shockwaves and bring down beams of light.”

(Note: Kaos is much more impressive in every other game even superchargers but he doesn’t really have any good feats in Imaginators itself)

L.O.T: “He even teamed up with Spyro who uh hopefully Crash forgave after the incident… But eventually Crash would stop the multiverse from collapsing which is an insane statement”

Maria and Mae: “N-Sane”

L.O.T: “Yeah yeah sure well sorry Mae didn’t program me with a pun component in this body”

Maria: “Wait, you programmed him?”

Mae: “I didn’t program shit”

L.O.T: “Anyways if you’re wondering if this answers the question if Crash is homeless still… Yes yeah he is, Activision could not care about him at all because he isn’t call of slop but do not let that fool you as Crash is way more powerful then you’d ever expect.”

Crash: “Woah!”

(It was that or pancakes Crash doesn’t have a single other line of dialogue)

ANALYSIS OVER

L.O.T: “Alright we’ve gone over their feats and flaws and it’s time to see who’d win.”

Maria: “It’s all up to them now and let’s see who’ll win it all”

Mae: “It’s time for a legally distinct battle to the death!!”

PRE-FIGHT:

In a random jungle Crash walks around grumpy and hungry that is until he spots a cave with a ton of bananas ripe for the taking, Crash immediately sprints to the cave only to be stopped by Aku Aku

Aku Aku: “Now Crash these are most likely someone else’s bananas we can find some anywhere else now come on-“

Before Aku Aku could finish Crash was already in the cave devouring the bananas one layer by one layer

Aku Aku: “of course…”

Suddenly a sound comes from behind Aku Aku as he can hear Pauline and DK chatting

Pauline: “The way you pummeled those kremling’s was insane DK! Well it’s about time we got back and-“

The two look upon the horror (at least for Donkey Kong) as the entire stash of Cave Bananas are gone with tons of peels left behind by Crash who kisses his fingers and burps after eating the second to last Banana, Crash picks up the last banana and right before he could peel it Pauline let’s out a shout

Pauline: “Hey! Those were our bananas, you better repay them!”

Aku Aku: “I told you Crash should’ve just found something somewhere else”

All Crash does in response is look at the last banana and drops into his mouth swallowing it

FIGHT:

Donkey Kong in a fit of anger picks up a chunk of the land below him and throws it at Crash who narrowly dodges it and spots Donkey Kong charging at him, Donkey slams his fist into Crash sending crash flying through the other side of the cave

Lives left: 4

Crash gets up and shakes around and sees Donkey Kong charging at him again but this time Crash expects it and lands a kick in Donkey Kong’s jaw sending him flying into a tree with makes Donkey kong’s head stick outside of it as the tree vibrates, Donkey Kong rips the tree in half as he pushes himself out and drops down next to crash now inside his mech suit and blasts a wumpa fruit at Donkey Kong’s face which splats onto Donkey Kong’s face, He wipes it off while Aku Aku and Pauline laugh a bit before DK pulls out his coconut gun and fires it at Crash sending him back into a pile of crates

Lives left 3

The crates are filled with a hundred Wumpa fruit

Lives left: 3 +1!

Crash gets up shaking his head and continues firing at Donkey Kong who is splattered by the fruits but Donkey Kong lifts a chunk of the ground and throws it at the ground acting as cover before he finds a random barrel laying around and smiles, Crash continues firing until he runs out of ammo after firing at a makeshift stone wall which gives Donkey Kong the time needed to throw multiple barrels at Crash which slams into the mech causing to fall back allowing Donkey Kong to catch up and smash the mech with both of his hands, Donkey Kong Smiles until realizing he missed Crash who just rapidly smacks Donkey Kong’s head over and over again but Donkey Kong just grabs onto Crash and chucks him away when suddenly Crash perfectly lands and summons the four quantum masks and uses one to deflect a stone pillar being thrown at him, Donkey kong rushes towards Crash but Crash just uses Ika Ika to reverse gravity in the entire area causing everyone and everything to be lifted into the air causing Crash to spin and smack DK a bunch times by DK claps together sending a shockwave that sends him back

Pauline: “DK! Behind you!”

Donkey Kong looks behind him and sees multiple chunks of stone floating around and smiles. Donkey Kong then starts throwing stone chunks to act as platforms and surfs on one towards Crash who uses Lani Loli to cause all the stone Donkey Kong used to be erased from reality but also summons a giant mound of gold to be summoned below Donkey Kong which slams into him as Ika Ika causes gravity to make the gold slam into Donkey Kong, Who just slams and digs his way out and claps his hands causing the top of the mound to explode but suddenly time slows down a bit allowing Crash to land a side kick sending him straight through a boulder, Lani Loli then summons multiple trees that swing towards Donkey Kong when suddenly…

Pauline: “DK!!!”

DK’s eyes grow wide as his body morphs and twists as he transforms into his Kong Bananza form and shatters a tree with a single punch, He swings through transforming multiple times to bounce over the logs, suck them up and shoot them out at Crash and fly towards Crash and transforms back to his Kong Bananza form and lands a huge charged up hit that causes Crash to fly back as Lani Loli falls off.

Lives left: 2

But fortunately he puts on Kupuna Wa and slows time down in order to dodge a punch that shatters the ground Crash stood on and smacks Kong over and over again and uses the other masks to gang up on Kong not leaving him alone until Donkey Kong lands a thunder clap and charges a punches into the ground causing a massive shockwave that shatters every piece of stone, While the four are falling down slowly Pauline pulls out the crystal coconut from her bag and starts praying

Pauline: “If you can hear me… I wish these four masks would disappear!”

Suddenly one by one each of the four quantum masks disappear and then gravity is reversed making Crash, Pauline, Aku Aku and Donkey fall down towards the ground, The two land a punch on each other though one punch is definitely more effective

Lives left: 1

Pauline grabs onto the Crystal coconut again and starts to wish

Pauline: “I wish for me and DK to be-“

Suddenly the crystal starts vibrating as it’s energy drained

Pauline: “Huh??”

Aku Aku: “Now sweetie, Did you really think I’d allow another stunt but don’t worry I’ll teleport you somewhere safe after this brute friend of yours is dealt with!”

Aku Aku flies towards Crash and attaches himself onto Crash’s face right before a killing blow could be landed

Aku Aku: “Face the power of Aku Aku!”

Crash starts spinning around Donkey Kong rapidly slapping him and then kicking his jaw as he bounces back as energy surrounds Crash

Aku Aku: “Time for some Sky Chi!”

Crash takes out a Yo-Yo and starts smacking Donkey Kong with it over and over again. More damage is constantly put onto Donkey Kong until it’s over…

Donkey Kong’s hands grab onto Crash’s yo-yo and drags him closer and headbutts him, He grabs onto Crash and as he lands a bunch of rapid hits, Aku Aku tries to shield Crash from the blows but it’s too much and Aku Aku is shattered and then Donkey kong hits Crash rapidly over and over again as Crash’s lives go into the negatives and with one final charged up punch Donkey Kong punches Crash for the final time as Crash explodes from the impact leaving all but a pair of shoes that drop down onto the ground smoking.

Donkey Kong lands on the ground about to slam his chest with his fists but he hears Pauline falling down, He jumps into the air saving her

Pauline: “Maybe next time we should talk things out…”

KO

Mae: “Oh damn guess his franchise really is dead.”

Maria: “Yeah this outcome while obvious was actually more interesting than you’d think thanks due to Crash’s cartoony abilities, So let’s go over their stats being Strength, Durability And Speed, Their tools and finally Abilities starting of course with their stats”

L.O.T: “And with strength it’s a no brainer, While Crash has consistently shown feats of strength comparable of peak human and beyond like destroying crates of wood with ease or metal Donkey Kong is able to output punches worth way more than 50000X stronger than the strongest nuclear bomb on a regular not to mention this was a DK pre buff, Now a days he’s gotten way way stronger like with strength multipliers or even just using a single clip of a trailer from Bananza with Donkey Kong carving through layers of earth he has already shown off more impressive feats of raw strength on the regular than Crash has ever shown meaning DK takes strength with very VERY little difficulty”

Maria: “Durability was another story as thanks to Crash surviving that reentry explosion worth 2 Million tons of TNT and could survive being atomized but Donkey Kong has survived a lot more rough blows like from K rool or other gorillas who should be in the same league of strength as the king who reminder can punch easily with a force of 410 Terratons, “Oh but gameplay” Crash usually dies in a single hit while Donkey Kong has multiple hearts to tank damage though Crash surviving Atomization is impressive Donkey Kong has survived fairly similar like petrifaction. Not to mention their physiology, If you shoot a Gorilla it will absolutely survive and then destroy you while if you shoot bandicoot it’ll fucking die, Let’s also talk about stamina which both have shown some pretty good feats like Crash being a parkour pro but so is Donkey kong but also he’s constantly active and fit and also able to eat an entire plantation, Not to mention Donkey Kong is able to tank hits from characters like Yoshi who was able to create an entire constellation by just kicking an enemy into space meaning by just an edge Donkey Kong takes Durability though Crash is very close to making it a tie with the whole atomization thing.”

Mae: “And like Durability it was a unique story for speed which overall Crash would take, Donkey Kong while fast and surprisingly nimble Crash just had much better showings of raw speed as while Donkey Kong can travel across the island in just a few minutes it’s a fairly small island while Crash is constantly dodging lasers and keeping up with Coco’s ship which is able to move from Earth to Jupiter in just 48 seconds. And that’s without power ups with it Crash is able to use a motorcycle that can move across the stars while Donkey Kong’s fastest is around subsonic with his best feats being dodging arrows and whatever how fast he is in Bananza with that rock surfing trick making Crash take speed in a flash.”
Mae: “Though this does mean Donkey Kong takes Stats”

L.O.T: “Though their tools were another story as Crash and DK had much of really the same in terms of tools a lot of them unnecessary but the ones that weren’t were real game changings like DK’s Crystal coconut or Crashes Masks. Aku Aku could absorb the Crystal coconut’s energy as it’s a crystal but we don’t exactly know if there’s even energy to take from it in the first place, Crash could use the other masks to stop time, wipe objects from reality or reverse gravity but the crystal coconut could do the exact same thing plus the time mask couldn’t see into the future while the Crystal coconut could and the masks couldn’t wipe DK from reality as it only effects objects not living organisms but the crystal coconut could wipe out the masks and Crash give DK wished for it, Problem is Aku Aku would try and stop it and Donkey Kong couldn’t exactly wish as well he’s kinda dumb and can’t concentrate. But Pauline could wish with it, Though she’d need to contend with Aku Aku actively trying to stop it, But couldn’t Crash just wipe out the Crystal Coconut with the masks? Well yeah fairly easy as well problem is like with DK Crash isn’t really all there, He’s smart but there’s very little chance Crash would not only notice the crystal coconut but also understand it but again the masks could be destroyed as the limit of their durability should be above the range of 2 million tons of TNT stated by Aku Aku being surprised he even survived the fall so all Donkey Kong had to do to stop Aku Aku or any other mask is at least punch it once as DK’s punches are way stronger and above 2 million tons being 410 Teratons, There are way too many and unique options for their tool set so this one is a tie.”

Maria: “And finally abilities who was more unique and well while Crash has Sky chi and also battled Kaos alongside defeated him with it Donkey Kong has also done that as he alongside Bowser were in starter packs for Superchargers were they were able to defeat the cloud eater, A Being strong enough eat the skylands which seem to be infinite in scale so not only does Crash’s skylanders scaling becoming a little mute but Donkey Kong has a better scaling for that though Sky Chi could actually wipe out DK if Crash used it later on alongside his five lives. Problem the new forms Donkey Kong Gained in Bananza boost Donkey Kong’s stats by well a lot even if Crash used his Mojo to boost his stats Donkey Kong could just get a boost from Pauline and become even more stronger or become more versatile and suck up and spit out attacks towards Crash or just bounce above the sky chi attacks as his yo-yo doesn’t aim upwards meaning Donkey Kong could avoid deadly attacks just by jumping in the air or even picking up the terrain which is another ability with the fact Donkey Kong could just take chunks of the earth and construct giant walls or even get rid of the plants lowering Crashes stats due to the fact there would be no more life bonuses for Crash to use meaning Donkey Kong takes both the abilities category and the final Category.”

Mae: “This fight was a tough one with both of the fighters being neck and neck in terms of abilities and stats but overall Donkey Kong came out with better numbers than Crash, While Donkey Kong and Pauline soared to the winner position Aku Aku and Crash Bandicoot both crashed and burned down below.”

THE WINNER IS DONKEY KONG

NEXT TIME ON CROSS VERSUS:

THE OBLIVION OF AZEROTH

Chapter Text

ALDUIN
VS
DEATHWING

(SKYRIM VS WORLD OF WARCRAFT)

(Few days earlier in the recording room)

Maria: “Peter Griffin, The Fam- Hey Mae what are you doing? the episode is about to start?”

Mae: “Well… It’s been one year since we started or well I started this whole Cross Versus show thing and honestly while rummaging through the old shit we have I came across a match up that has been kinda ignored. One I’ve put off for awhile and why not for a one year anniversary we finally do it?”

L.O.T: “Like releasing the old script into the wild?”

Mae: “That doesn’t exist, I mean it’d show how far we’ve come from Corrin vs Madame X right? Plus it’s a Dragon match up. We all love those right?”

Maria: “Mae… the last couple of match ups we’ve done have had really no communication you sure-“

Mae: “They can speak.”

Maria: “…alright guess we’re doing this”

L.O.T: “Oh thank God i dont have to watch the entirety of the simpsons now…”

(Present Day)

Maria: “Alduin, The devourer of the Kelpa”

L.O.T: “And Deathwing the devourer of Azeroth”

Mae: “The world has many prophecies stories about valiant knights and noble heroes slaying evil dragons and saving the world but what if those dragons are too strong? And today it is our job to research their feats, flaws, weirdness and everything in between and figure out who’s the most likely to win.”

ANALYSIS STARTED:

ALDUIN MAKES US RELIVE SKYRIM AGAIN:

Mae: “The “world” of Tamriel is a large and immense plane of existence which we’ll get back to but in Tamriel north of Cyridil contains the “Homeland” of the nords, Skyrim once again quotes because the nords kinda helped drive the previous inhabitants Snow elves aka the Falmer who were turned into the Falmer by the Dwarves, Yeah Skyrim lore goes hard but more importantly in the cold region filled with adventure lays tons of ruins, ruins which contain many evil like Dragur’s, Spider’s, Necromancers, Etc But no evil is bigger than the Thalmor who finally captured the stormcloaks Ulfric, The King killer and was ready for execution in Helgen and when it was time for a cheese carrying child of akatosh to be executed it was stopped by a dragon but this wasn’t just any dragon it was the first born of Akatosh, Alduin the world eater!”

Maria: “Damn they could’ve been a little less subtle with the whole evil thing I mean dude’s got the colour scheme, spikes, almost a skeleton like body and has a name like that? Okay yeah as cheesy as it is he’s actually pretty cool, But looks aren’t everything right Mae? :)”

Mae: “Fuck. You.”

L.O.T: "…Statement aside Alduin being a dragon is insanely powerful being able to spew out flames and frost like the regular dragons, Ice so cold that it completely eradicate beings that are just straight up fire and fire so hot it can burn through solid ice but how does Alduin use these abilities? Well it’s thanks to his Th’um or Dragonshout you see the dragons have a complex and unique language that for the most part is untranslated at least for the most part but there are a few that have been uncovered by mortals and by God there’s a reason why the dragonborn is so powerful, the first shout you should have being Unrelenting force or more so accurately FUS RO DA”

Mae and Maria immediately duck under cover for the immediate impact of the shout but happens

L.O.T: “…guys i cant shout im mechanical.”

Maria: “Oh yeah… Well a simple shout like that was according to the guards in Skyrim state that this shout well shouted the high king of skyrim apart, This is backed up by the fact a maxed out shout can disintegrate people like FUS ROH DA”

Mae: “OH FUCK NOT AGAI”

The shout immediately hits Mae and completely disintegrates her into nothingness, Maria and L.O.T. just stare at each other.

Maria: “I- WHY COULD I DO IT BUT YOU COULDN’T WHAT THE FUCK”

L.O.T: “BECAUSE IM A ROBOT AND DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE A MOUTH YOU- wait she’s immortal just wait…”

Mae re enters the room through a door appearing out of nowhere wiping her coat

Mae: “Well anyways and Alduin is certainly above this tier of power like with YOL TOOR SHUL or Fire breath as stated before is the standard shout dragons have, being able to breathe a stream of fire at people or poor animals which again is able to melt ice but also damage Dwemer and other dragons. FO KRAH DIIN or Frost breath can as said before cool down beings made of pure fire but also leaves a lingering effect where the ice still persists and can still damage and ice in skyrim also slows down the person hit by it, Damn Ice is somehow cooler than Fire in Skyrim huh.”

L.O.T: “And as the previous shout said, FUS ROH DA or Unrelenting force is able to send people flying though it’s not sure if it’s supposed to send people flying across skyrim or if that’s just the weird engine and ragdoll physics, but his final shout aka probably his most deadliest one isn’t really known we don’t have the shout for it but what happens when he says it a barrage of meteor strikes come down from the sky even when there should be no meteors to pull from like from heaven or well more accurately Sovngarde, Which can cause country wide storms even in essentially heaven which in itself in terms of the lore is an entire plane of existence in the elder scrolls universe, but we’ve held off for awhile but what makes Alduin so deadly is the lore.”

Maria: “Like how dragons can’t die by others, You see their bodies can be damaged but as long as their souls are intact they can survive anything, How do they lose their souls well the only way to actually kill a dragon is to be a dragon or a dragonborn basically having the soul of a dragon which is an entirety double edged sword but Alduin himself is a special case as the dragonborn can’t actually kill him in their world as the only way to kill Alduin is getting to Sovngarde is to essentially die and hope you have your gear on hand and even then it’s difficult as Alduin resists… BASICALLY EVERY SHOUT, Bend will, Kyne’s peace or even soul tear which should work considering the whole dragon thing but Alduin does not give a shit FUCK YOU, Like how you know how you kill him at the end of the story? Well guess what, YOU DONT KILL HIM, According to the gray beards Alduin will return he will come back the prophecy isn’t just a fancy story no it’s a story about how long the Dragonborn can hold off Alduin’s victory as he’s permanently forced to exist as Alduin is the end he’s the end of all things, He’ll just come back no matter what because it’s his job even Party Snacks who sounds like a… familiar Italian plumber… even says killing Alduin isn’t really gonna fix anything you’re just delaying the inevitable and why would should you fight back, Btw this is a game where putting a kettle over someone’s head can make you a master thief”

Mae: “But what is Alduin absorbing or well eating? Well the lore gets fucking insane as the planet Nirn (Not earth) is just one part of the multiverse like the sun being a tear in oblivion which is also a plane of existence or the two moons which are the corpse of an Aedric God Lorkhan but Alduin was gonna eat the Kalpa now what is the Kalpa? Fucking everything it’s existence from your first steps your midlife crisis and death and everything in between the Kalpa it is everything from the past present and future in every plane of existence in the multiverse which in scale is infinite and even more infinite and Alduin was and is gonna consume it all as foretold in the prophecy, Hell he can even dodge arrows from Auriel’s bow which can move 250 Times faster than light and more importantly his body is nigh indestructible.”

L.O.T: “Yeah so on your journey to find something to beat Alduin you find out the reason why Alduin didn’t just consume everything is because he was sent forward into time but it was during this whole thing where you learnt the only thing that can make Alduin vulnerable being Dragonrend or JOOR ZAH FRUL which not only makes dragons land which thank God they’re annoying sometimes but also experience the concept of mortality itself allowing them to be killed by well mortals and is the only way of actually damaging Alduin though despite this Alduin states that even if the Dragonborn would to kill him in Skyrim it wouldn’t actually kill him as again he can only die in Sovngarde, Hell even when you do fill this list he’ll be back you don’t even get to loot him as his soul goes back to Akatosh and will wait and wait for his next chance of victory, You may have delayed Alduin but in the end of all things the final thing you will hear is his Th’um as he consumes everything and everyone.”

Alduin: "Bahloki nahkip sillesejoor. My belly is full of the souls of your fellow mortals, Dovahkiin. Die now and await your fate in Sovngarde!"

DEATHWING TOO BIG TO BE ON SCREEN:

Mae: “In the world of Azeroth the once existed five dragon aspects one which would guard Magic, The Other would Guard Life and more importantly one would fall to the dark and become the edgiest mother fucker in all the realm… As you see before dragons even existed the proto dragons existed and hunted for food and well whatever you do when you hunt and like a child lacked basic intelligence higher than a regular animal but suddenly they would gain consciousness in a Walmart parking lot where all good consciousness is made unfortunately for me I gained consciousness in a K-Mart but anyways one dragon called Neltharion who even in this weak state could cause roars that can shatter the earth would join his blood brother Malygos and the rest of the proto dragons in fending off the strongest and biggest dragon at the time Galakrond, Who was so large he can wipe out an entire forest with just a wingflap”

Maria: “Though their numbers wouldn’t be enough and Tyr joined them into killing Galakrond, Said attempt failed but the next one where they shoved a boulder into Galakrond’s mouth forcing him to choke worked and the giant Dragon fell… this impressive showing allowed Tyr to convince the other keepers and allow them to bestow powers and strength to the five Proto Dragon, Alexstrasza, Malygos, Nozdormu, and Ysera were given the powers and to be the guardians of life, magic, time and dreams Neltharion was given the powers of… rock. Yeah not the earth but fucking stones though this would be changed by the titan Khaz'goroth would make Neltharion the earth wanderer and so the first dragons would be born. As days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries and so on basically a long ass time like 10,000 years Neltharion wandering the Earth would be approached the old gods, You see long ago the old gods ruled Azeroth before being sealed in earth so it’s kinda the world forgers fault for what would happen next…”

Mae: “The Old Gods sensing Neltharion’s presence tried and communicating and it worked so step 1 on their long ass list of finally breaking free was achieved so they found their way into his mind twisting it and turning him against the keepers and so Neltharion died and Deathwing was born.”

L.O.T: “Though at the same time Deathwing sought opportunity and with the help of the old God’s would create the gold dis- I mean the dragon soul, You see at this time an invasion by demons was happening and the other dragons didn’t know how to win until deathwing showed them the dragon soul and tricked them into giving him their powers yet not his as because he didn’t imbue his own powers not only was immune to it but is the only one able to damage it though eventually Malfurion, an elf, was able to steal the dragon soul away from Deathwing but this was an incredibly difficult task to pull as WOW’s scaling is.. well it’s insane.”

Maria: “Yeah like how despite his size he’s still able to fly like a bee spreading fire and lava as he flies, able to spew out fire or magma, can even summon others to fight for him like Ragnaros the fire lord who can blow up entire mountain ranges, Though his shadowflame ability which he and his children can use has void in the mixture basically making people go insane or get corrupted by evil when hit by it, Can heal over time because of course he can why not and like a transformer can shape his body to either shrink, make it larger (can’t grow larger than his appearance during cataclysmic so no Simon styled growing here) make himself human or even a tree for some fucking reason not really necessary, can dominate minds and resist mind control with… well Mind control and Dominate Mind alongside any wizard bullshit like paralysis, emotions, transmutation, insta kill moves like a water blob we covered 2 episodes ago or even suduction so sorry monster fuckers you won’t do shit here.”

Mae: “And due to having the whole guardian of stone Deathwing can control earth itself like controlling earthquakes, solidifying magma or even gravity by forcing enemies down onto the ground, He can also create and control volcanoes, raise walls of earth, create fissures or even infuse people with energy that explodes after 7 seconds or create black holes with… god damnit i thought i was free from black hole scaling but with embrace of nothingness can form a black hole or can just teleport and can even come back from the dead though this automatic process takes a long ass time in a death battle situation like a decade, he can also counter spells with counter spell causing magic to not work, can absorb magic, manipulate time itself, or polymorph like when an entire kingdom got turned into a single horse, Don’t ask how… but there is one thing we mentioned that we still need to go over”

L.O.T: “The dragon soul. The dragon soul can halt movements, reduce incoming attacks, shoot giant lasers, even erase beings like himself from reality though this takes like 3 hits and needs to be powered by other dragons to be possible/strong enough like when Thrall or Iris, But this is offset in my opinion by the fact that any dragon that gets it’s powers absorbed by it CANNOT harm the dragonsoul anymore though a fault with the dragonsoul is it relies on consent and cannot forcibly take other dragons powers”

Maria: “Deathwing is strong enough to cause the earth to shake when he slammed into a mountain range which also caused the volcano on Kezan to erupt, can survive attacks done by himself as his scales were unharmed by it, is constantly feeling the weight of Azeroth his entire life which is similar to what Atlas is doing in greek mythology yet Deathwing somehow can fly and walk around like it’s nothing while feeling the weight of Azeroth on him, Survive the sundering an event to summon Sargeras which shattered the land of Azeroth which would require an energy yield of 3.61 joules of energy, And while Deathwing personally wasn’t there for it lesser characters were able to survive it with no problems so Deathwing should be above that in general, He’s also above and tanked hits from characters like Tyr who can shake the bones of the world, Ra-Den who can split apart clouds, Or even smaller and weaker Elementals who can destroy planets though he wouldn’t be strong enough as in the end Thrall would land the final hit and kill deathwing, ending the cycle once and for all… Until he comes back for a nostalgic raid boss or something, But till then adventures will tell the tale of how the dragon of fire and magma once ravaged the skies and parents will tell their kids that he’ll come back if they don’t eat their vegetables eventually Deathwing will fade into legend… for now.

Ah to be fair all of this is probably gonna be retconned in five days World of Warcraft is like that.”

Deathwing: "I have watched! I have seen my world ruined by you pitiful insects! There must be order! I will have my world perfect again! Those who are not fit to serve me will be slain! And you... you, the rest of these traitorous 'friends' of mine, you will live by my sufferance alone! For your conniving, your plotting, you deserve nothing better!"

ANALYSIS OVER:

L.O.T: “Alright we’ve gone over their feats and flaws and it’s time to see who’d win.”

Maria: “It’s all up to them now and let’s see who’ll win it all”

Mae: “It’s time for a legally distinct battle to the death!!”

PRE FIGHT:

We cut to above Skyrim as wing flaps are heard when suddenly the volcano on solstheim erupts as Deathwing launches himself out of it and flies towards Skyrim

Deathwing: “After thousands of years, I rise and shall burn this world to ash!”

Deathwing flies towards the peak of the mountain where he sees a human like skeleton and a dragon skeleton ignoring it he lands on the throat of the world and roars

Deathwing: “HEAR ME DRAGONS, BOW TO ME AND RAZE IT DOWN ALL OF IT LEAVE NO BUILDING OR STATUES OF THE FALSE GODS STANDING BURN IT DOWN!”

He roars as he raises his wings in dominance but no Dragon listens to him suddenly he hears a chuckle from behind him

Alduin: “Ignorant dovah, daar dovah’s dreh Ni bow wah hi Nuz zu'u!” (Ignorant Dragon, These dragons do not bow to you but me!)

Deathwing: “I have no idea what you just said but die for your subordination!”

Alduin: “You don’t even know our tongue yet being dovah gravuun failure, Nu dir Naal alduin fin lein eater!” (You don’t even know our tongue yet being dragon such failure now die by Alduin the world eater!)

FIGHT:

The two stare before unleashing their fire breaths

Alduin: “YOL TOOR SHUL!”

The two flames connect and explode causing a massive cloud of fire and smoke when suddenly Alduin charges head first and slams into Deathwing knocking him off his perch

Alduin: “Dir fah hin insolence!” (now die for your insolence)

Deathwing, Groaning: “Shut up philosopher!”

Deathwing moves his body at the last second avoiding crashing into the mountain and lands on top of white run, He raises his legs and slams them down causing stone spikes to cause shoot out of the ground and travel towards Alduin who dodges it and roads causing the sky above them to shake as meteors fall from the sky slamming into the ground below, Deathwing fires a giant fire breath at Alduin who dodges it but the mountain behind him is shaken by it, Alduin flies towards Deathwing but Deathwing catches him and chucks him at the mountain and causes an fissure large enough that blows up the mountain as lava and magma spews

Deathwing: “Now dragons follow m-“

Alduin: “FUS ROH DA!”

The shout ripples through the clouds of smoke and steam and slam into Deathwing pushing him back a bit, Meteors fall down around the area as lava and magma spew out of the ground

Alduin: “Daar dragonne fent Ni follow aan fellow dovah wo dreh Ni orin voderstand un language, fellow dovah krii thdro usurper” (These dragons shall not follow a fellow dragon who does not even understand our language, FELLOW DRAGON KILL THIS USURPER!)

Alduin let’s out a massive shout that causes dragons from all around Skyrim to either rise from the dead or head towards Alduin in order to help him

Deathwing: “Two can play at this game…”

Deathwing breathes hot magma at the fissure causing an explosion, Nothing happens for a second until a giant hand appears from the ground as Ragnaros the fire lord emerges from the ground, Deathwing roars at Ragnaros and gestures towards the incoming dragons

Deathwing: “KILL THESE FOOLS!”

Alduin immediately roars as he flies towards Deathwing only to be slapped towards Windhelm, He recovers and dodges the incoming blast which levels the entire city in a second, Alduin begins to fly towards Deathwing and lands a frost breath on him

Alduin: “FO KRAH DIIN!”

The breath freezes Deathwing’s fire like body a bit and drains his Stamina but two seconds later it melts and shatters as Deathwing causes yet another fissure which causes Skyrim to become unstable as cities like Solitude are destroyed by being dropped into the ocean or razed by magma like Dawnstar, Towns like Rorikstead fall into the ground below and while flying suddenly Alduin feels a sharp pain as rock like spear flies into his chest and then Deathwing causes the gravity around Alduin to become more and more low causing him to come crashing down into the ground, The lock eyes and breath fire at each other

Alduin: “YOL TOOR SHUL!”

The fire lock in with each other but Alduin’s isn’t enough as he’s pushed back

Alduin: “FUS ROH DA!”

The unrelenting force pushes the fire and lava back which splashed onto Deathwing’s face annoyed Deathwing prepared to crush Alduin with his foot but suddenly Odahviing came in and slammed into the left eye of Deathwing and started chewing at it

Odahviing: “Alduin dii drog zu'u lost hi” (Alduin my lord I have you!)

Alduin: “Odahviing thank hi” (Odahviing thank you)

Alduin spots a dying dragon nearby and absorbs his souls healing his body as Odahviing rips out Deathwing’s left eye but being sent flying to Riften in the process

Deathwing: “ENOUGH!”

Deathwing smashes the ground causing an earthquake that causes the entirety of Skyrim to collapse as lava flows around them Deathwing holds out the Dragonsoul and prepares to fire it but misses as a dragon swoops in and blasts it with a frost breath, Dragons all around suddenly start firing at the Dragon soul annoyed Deathwing unleashes a massive laser from the dragonsoul blasting most of the dragons that appeared to help

Deathwing: “Worthless creatures can’t even survive a single attack.”

Suddenly energy surrounds Alduin absorbing their souls

Alduin: “Nuz zu'u can, FO KRAH DIIN!” (But I can)

The frost breath freezes Deathwing’s right eye causing him to stumble back giving Alduin the time he needs

Alduin: “Hin fancy yuvon plate los nothing! fah zu'u am fin oblaan do pah!” (Your fancy golden plate is nothing! For I am the end of all!)

Alduin unleashes a massive breath of fire as meteors fall down onto Deathwing destroying his scales

Aduin: “YOL TOOR SHUUL”

The dragonsoul burns bright as it shatters into pieces

Deathwing: “IMPOSSIBLE”

Deathwing rushes and breathes shadowflame onto Alduin engulfing him in the dark purple flames

Deathwing: “THIS WORLD IS MINE TO DESTROY NOT YOURS VERMIN YOU ARE NOTHING”

Deathwing roars as he grabs Alduin and starts chomping and eating Alduin…

Suddenly a voice from his neck speaks out

Alduin: “For once let me speak this in a language you can understand Vermin… DIE! FO KRAH DIIN”

Alduin shouts his frost breath blasting Deathwing who tries to stop it by firing any type of fire breath but the frost slows Deathwing and it’s too late as a chunk of his neck is frozen solid

Alduin: “FUS ROH DA”

The shout pushes Deathwing into the ground as the ice around his neck shatters, Blood like lava spouts out of Deathwings neck as Alduin flies out and laughs at Deathwing, Deathwing tries breathe Shadowflame at Alduin who just tanks through it and lands on Deathwings neck

Alduin: “Do not try a trick that already failed for I cannot be corrupted.”

Suddenly multiple dragons land around Deathwing either eating through his flesh or freezing it as meteors slam down around them, Deathwing tries to shake them off by using all his abilities but it’s too late for a struggle as Alduin uses unrelenting force over and over and over again

Alduin: “FUS ROH DA! FUS ROH DA! FUS ROH DA! FUS ROH DA!”

The force from the blasts slam into Deathwing’s open wound causing blood to splatter everywhere as more and more flesh, bone and the likes are pushed back by the shouting eventually before the final blow can be landed Deathwing cries out for help but Alduin doesn’t care

Alduin: “Hi callaan hi fin destruction do thdro lein Nuz hi facaan alduin fin al do fin kalpa take thdro wah hin grave, hi kos ahrk Neh were enough fah zu'u FUS ROH DA!” (You called yourself the destruction of this world but you faced Alduin the destroyer of the Kalpa Take this to your grave, You are and never were enough for me. FUS ROH DA!)

With a final shout Alduin causes Deathwing’s neck to explode, As the head falls down energy swirls around Alduin as he absorbs Deathwing’s soul and laughs

Alduin: “Ahrk now… everyone ahrk everything fallle too zu'u!“ (And now… EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING FALLS TOO ME!)

It wouldn’t take long for the rest of the world to fall as Alduin consumes everything, As everything turns to twilight a while later a small light is seen…

KO:

Maria: “Oh thank God the fight ended our budget was running out”

Mae: “…we don’t have a budget? I’ve just been taking characters from doomed timelines, But anyways this fight was a difficult one that pit the two dragons destructive nature and honestly their stats don’t really matter in this situation so we’ll be going over their Physicality, Attack Potency, Hax and Invincibility”

PHYSICALITY:

L.O.T: “This fight would take a lot but mostly because of the stuff beyond their physical strength and durability but overall who was better in this regard? Well Alduin can survive attacks from the Dragonborn and should have a higher durability than Miraak who was able to split an entire island during a fight but Deathwing could not only match this via the Sundering event where a giant implosion caused parts of the map to explode but also Deathwing is constantly holding the weight of Azeroth on his back at all times, Hell just by flying a normal act for dragons Deathwing is able to raze entire cities and not even mentioning the insane amount of weight and size that Deathwing himself far surpassing anything Alduin can do in a physical sense meaning Deathwing takes physicality.”

ATTACK POTENCY:

Mae: “But Attack Potency is another story as while Deathwing could raze cities Alduin has done the same thing, Deathwing could shake mountains while Alduin can shake the sky itself, Deathwing can shake the world itself and even destroy it which should be noted Azeroth is very inconsistent with it’s size but it should be around the same size as Earth or a little smaller while Alduin is capable of destroying the Kalpa… As a reminder the Kalpa is the entire Elder scrolls multiverse which includes multiple and multiple planes of reality like Sovngarde, Oblivion, and wherever the fuck Hircine is. Alduin is destroying way way WAY more than what Deathwing is capable of doing, Even taking the Kalpa away Alduin is capable of affecting Sovngarde’s entire sky which as again is an entire plane of reality and even taking away their big feats and only focusing on attacks Deathwing’s Shadowflame could do some damage but overall Alduin can summon meteors onto the field, Deathwing has no counters to that Alduin takes Attack Potency with ease.”

HAX:

Maria: “Hax is a weird one though because in general it’s hyper specific with the main thing being Deathwing’s absurd amount of abilities to use so much we didn’t even list them all (Though a lot of them overlap and do the same thing but higher damage) but thing is Alduin resists them because of the dragonborn ironically having basically the same tool set with their Th’um like bend will or ice form not working on Alduin but Deathwing has one thing that changes everything that being the dragon soul which can not only absorb Alduin’s powers but also wipe him from reality but there’s a problem with that. The dragonsoul requires the consent of Alduin to actually absorb his powers from him but also the dragonsoul wouldn’t really be able to wipe Alduin from reality because well he’s a constant and that’d be far too powerful for the dragonsoul but also Alduin needs to be hit three times and for the soul to be boosted for it to actually work while Alduin can just destroy it, Alduin’s hax does work well in this situation with being able to cause realm wide storms but also being able to absorb any dragons soul, having frost breath to cool down deathwing and the whole eating universe thing though it’s not really known how long it’d take to consume the Kalpa or if he can during the fight so Hax is a tie.”

INVINCIBILITY:

L.O.T: “And finally their invincibility, who can survive the longest and such and honestly it was really easy to find an answer as while Deathwing can regenerate over time and come back via automatic regeneration. But that takes a decade to do so and more importantly Alduin will just consume Deathwing’s soul and then the Kalpa meanwhile Alduin has multiple layers of invincibility like an entire step plan which follows like

1: In order to beat him you need to be dragon blooded

2: Great! Now you need to learn an old, so forgotten shout that not even the Greybeards know about it and the only way to find out about Dragonrend is time travelling to the past after finding it out from Alduin’s wall

3: Use Dragonrend and beat him but uh oh turns out you can’t kill him in the mortal realm

4: Travel to Sovngarde and use dragonrend there

5: Kill Alduin finally… But this only holds him off for like a bit before he comes back or Akatosh makes a new world eater

Yeah Deathwing could only do step one out of five as he can’t really travel to Sovngarde meaning Alduin’s chances of victory was basically a hundred percent minus the few situational times meaning Alduin takes the final point being Invincibility.”

THE WINNER IS ALDUIN