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“The pigeons flew really crazy, Mr. Stark. I think they got spooked by something but I don’t know what. And of course I got startled because of the pigeons getting startled, because my spider sense only detects danger and the pigeons were just minding their own business. So then I ended up tripping,” Peter said, waving his hands in the air as Tony continued adjusting the hologram in front of him. “And boom, fell off the roof and onto the dumpster.”
“Pete, I love hearing you talk about your day, I really do. But you do realize that you could have said that you tripped and fell off of a roof and onto a dumpster,” Tony said with an amused laugh. “I just asked why you smelled like garbage.”
“And then you would have asked for clarification. Thanks again for letting me take a shower by the way,” Peter said, running his hand through his damp hair.
“Yeah. I don’t want you smelling like garbage when you go back to the apartment. Aunt May would kill me,” Tony said. “She’s a scary woman, like Pepper.”
Peter laughed quietly and stretched. Tony twitched when he saw the scars on his arm and before he could panic, Peter adjusted his sweatshirt.
“Kid,” Tony said softly. He grabbed Peter’s arm and rolled up the sleeve to see the scars. He really hoped that Peter didn’t do that to himself. “Um…”
“Oh yeah! I knew I forgot something. So after falling off the dumpster, I startled this mama cat and she kinda…attacked me,” Peter said awkwardly. “Her kittens were there so she was just protecting them.”
“You know Fury is a cat person,” Tony said offhandedly. His mind flashed back to a conversation with Fury he had years ago.
“I really didn’t peg you as a cat person, Nick,” Tony said, picking up the cat that was sitting on Fury’s desk. Fury stared as Tony started to pet the cat. “Who’s a good cat? Are you a boy or girl?”
“She’s a girl, and you really should not be holding that,” Fury said slowly.
“You know, one of Rhodey’s Air Force buddies made us cat sit for her this one time. Looked just like this cat. Same color too. Goose really was the sweetest cat,” Tony said with a smile.
“Goose? Who did you say you catsitted for again?” Fury asked.
“One of Rhodey’s Air Force buddies. Danvers? Yeah, it was Danvers. Well, technically I think the cat belonged to her CO. I don’t really know how Rhodey and I ended up with the thing but I liked spending time with Goose. I wonder where she ended up.”
“I wonder,” Fury said, staring at the cat.
“What am I gonna do with you, kid?” Tony joked, pulling his mind out of his memories.
“You could start paying me,” Peter suggested before smiling innocently.
“Wow. You must be exhausted if you’re suggesting I give you money. The bags under your eyes wouldn’t make it through airport security,” Tony commented. “JARVIS, transfer $25,000 into the kids account.”
“Yes, sir,” JARVIS said dryly.
“Ah, no take backs,” Tony said before Peter could protest or say it was a joke. Peter rubbed his eyes. “Kid, I’m serious about you looking exhausted. You look tired. If patrol is keeping you up-“
“No, no. I’m fine. I’m just…not sleeping much, that’s all. It’s not because of patrol, I promise,” Peter said. He fidgeted with his hands and heard a text go off. He grabbed his phone.
MJ: How about Tobey? Or Andrew?
Peter: Eh, they seem more like names for my brother than our son. Wait! I got it. How about Ben? Because of my uncle Ben.
Peter: Please say yes.
Peter: I love you.
Peter: (:
MJ: Okay, Ben then. Our son is named Ben.
Peter: YES THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.
MJ: He hasn’t been born yet.
Peter: YET
Peter: And I’m gonna love him even more after he’s born. I’ll fill out the birth certificate for Ben.
Peter: Wait is he taking my name or your name? Ben Parker? Ben Jones?
Peter: Ben Jones-Parker?
Peter smiled at his phone and Tony got pale. He had glanced at the screen out of curiosity. Now he wished he hadn’t.
“Oh, it’s late. I gotta go, Mr. Stark. See you in a few days,” Peter said before he ran off. Tony stayed frozen.
“Kid, you’re 17,” Tony mumbled, his eyes widened. He felt dizzy and sat down in the chair as he tried to process Peter getting MJ pregnant. “Wear a condom. Shit.”
——
“So…Honey Bear…” Tony drawled slowly, sitting next to Rhodey on the couch.
“What did you do?” Rhodey asked.
“Me? Nothing. I did absolutely nothing,” Tony said, holding his hand over his heart.
“Right,” Rhodey said sarcastically.
“Hypothetically speaking…” Tony started to say. Rhodey smiled and looked up from his phone. “If…someone I knew was having a baby-“
“Is Pepper pregnant?” Rhodey asked, his eyes wide.
“No,” Tony said quickly. “Wait, is she?” Tony pushed away the panicked thoughts of Pepper being pregnant.
“If it’s not you and Pepper then who?” Rhodey asked.
“Peter’s girlfriend,” Tony said. Rhodey froze as Tony nodded. “I saw a bunch of texts on his phone.”
“Are you sure it isn’t a misunderstanding?” Rhodey asked.
“They were talking about baby names. They’re gonna call the baby ‘Ben’ after his uncle. They were talking about which name the baby is gonna take. Peter even mentioned filling out the birth certificate,” Tony said.
“Okay,” Rhodey said slowly. “Um…he is 17, so…it’s not like he’s that young.”
“Oh my god! What if the baby has powers?!” Tony said in a panic before he started to hyperventilate.
“Okay, breathe, you’re gonna breathe. Everything is fine. His girlfriend is gonna be fine. The baby is gonna be fine,” Rhodey said, trying to calm Tony down. “Peter is gonna be okay. Tones, breathe with me. In and out.”
“Why didn’t I talk to him about condoms?” Tony asked, running his hand through his hair. Rhodey laughed at the thought of Tony forcing Peter to sit through that particular conversation.
——
“Aw, he’s so cute,” Peter said as the teacher handed him the robot baby.
“Don’t forget to fill out the birth certificates,” the teacher reminded.
“Did you wanna hold him?” Peter asked MJ. She snorted and nodded. “Careful.”
“He has your eyes,” MJ joked. Peter laughed before he started to fill out the birth certificate.
“Ben…did we decide if we’re hyphenating?” Peter asked.
“Sure. We’ll hyphenate,” MJ said with a nod. Peter continued writing.
“Ben Jones-Parker. Born…” Peter said to himself as he filled out the paper. “Wait, how much does he weigh?”
“The weight of your babies is listened on the back,” the teacher said. Peter watched MJ flip the baby over and lift up the shirt.
“Six pounds, four ounces,” MJ said. “This project is ridiculous. It’s so outdated.”
“Would you rather we fail?” Peter asked.
“I’d rather not have the project at all,” MJ said. “Miss Smith, what do we do when we’re at school about the baby?”
“You can turn him or her off during school hours. I know you can’t do that with a real baby, but these you can. They will cry and need to be fed,” the teacher said.
“How do we turn it off?” Another student asked.
“There’s a button on the back that says ‘power’. Press that and the baby will turn off. It does keep track of every feeding, how often you turn it off, etc.”
“We should get the baby Spider-Man clothes,” MJ said.
Peter laughed and nodded. He suddenly remembered the money Mr. Stark sent to him.
“I can buy the clothes. I want to get an Iron Man onesie for the baby,” Peter said. He turned towards the teacher. “Can we buy clothes for the fake baby?”
“Shh, Peter, the babies can hear you,” Ned said from the table next to them as he covered his baby’s ears. “It’s okay, Ned Jr. Peter didn’t mean it.”
“Yes, to answer your question,” the teacher said. “You can absolutely buy clothes for the babies. The bottles send a signal to the baby when they’re done eating.”
“At least the bottle won’t spill with nothing inside,” Ned said, holding the empty bottle upside down and squeezing it.
“You should rest. I can take the first few shifts,” Peter said.
“Thank you,” MJ said.
——
“May! Look what I got at the store!” Peter said excitedly as he held up a shopping bag. He pulled out the onesies. “I got onesies for the baby. Captain America. Iron Man. Hulk. Thor. Hawkeye. Black Widow. Spider-Man. Falcon.”
May laughed and picked up the onesies on the table.
“Did you need to buy these?” May asked.
“No, but I used Mr. Stark’s paycheck,” Peter said. “So really, it’s free, since the money is from him.”
“Smart kid,” May said. “Okay, I love you. I have a shift.”
“Be glad. These babies cry,” Peter said awkwardly, staring at the carrier.
“Most do,” May said sarcastically. “Welcome to fatherhood.”
“Thanks,” Peter said sarcastically, and before he could say anything else, baby Ben started crying.
“Wow that thing is loud. Oh, what did you name it?” May asked.
“Ben,” Peter admitted quietly. “I hope you don’t mind.”
May kissed his forehead.
“I don’t mind,” May said softly. “There’s leftovers in the fridge. Have fun being a parent.”
“Thanks,” Peter said loudly over the crying. He heard his phone ding. Well, more accurately, he felt the phone vibrate.
MJ: This is MJ’s mom. She’s in the hospital. Sprained wrist. She tripped over a pile of books in her room.
Peter: I’ll be there. Can you send me the hospital name and room number?
——
Tony felt anxious as he paced back and forth across the room. He’d been ignoring JARVIS’ attempts to calm down, which prompted reinforcements to show up.
“What’s wrong?” Pepper asked.
“Peter got his girlfriend pregnant,” Tony blurted out.
“Are you sure?” Pepper asked as she walked over. Tony nodded.
“I saw texts on his phone. They named the baby Ben,” Tony said nervously.
“Okay,” Pepper said. “Are you okay?”
“Fine. Yeah. Absolutely,” Tony lied, running his hand through his hair anxiously. “I thought he was fine. I thought he was better than me.”
Pepper nodded and hugged Tony.
“Does May know?” Tony asked suddenly. He untangled himself from Pepper’s arms. “JARVIS, call May.”
“Calling,” JARVIS said. Tony anxiously waited for the ringing to stop. “She doesn’t appear to be answering.”
“Call Peter,” Tony said.
“Calling,” JARVIS said.
The ringing echoed in Tony’s ears before it stopped. He felt his heart drop when he heard a baby crying. The baby was already born.
“Mr. Stark?” Peter asked. “I’m a little busy right now. Can I call you later?”
“Y-Yeah,” Tony managed to say before Peter hung up. Tony rested his head on Pepper’s shoulder. “I messed up.”
“How so?” Pepper asked calmly.
“Because I…I don’t know,” Tony said, throwing his hands in the air. “I did something! He got his girlfriend pregnant! The baby’s been born.”
Tony looked up at the ceiling.
“JARVIS, track Peter’s phone.”
“Yes sir. Just a moment,” JARVIS said.
“Why are you doing that?” Pepper asked.
“Because I wanna go there and ask him why he didn’t tell me and why he didn’t wear a condom,” Tony said.
“He appears to be at the hospital,” JARVIS said. Tony looked at the screen.
Tony stared and started to hyperventilate again. The baby was probably born today. He wanted Peter to be better than him. He didn’t want Peter being a father at 17 when he has to deal with Spider-Man and finals and tests.
“I’m getting in the shower, and you’re joining me,” Pepper said, putting her hand over his heart.
“I like the sound of that,” Tony said quickly before chasing after her.
——
“What the hell do you mean Peter has a baby?” Happy asked.
“His girlfriend got pregnant,” Tony said from over the phone. “He’s the father. They named it Ben. He cries a lot. Can you pick the kid up? I need to see him.”
“I’m already on my way,” Happy said. “He’s here at the curb. Gotta go.”
Happy stopped the car and Peter got into the backseat with the baby carrier. He fastened it into the seat.
“Hi, Happy,” Peter said with a smile. He buckled his seatbelt.
“Hi,” Happy said slowly, looking at the car seat in the mirror. He couldn’t see the baby since a towel was covering it.
Happy felt an even bigger headache than he usually has. He continued driving to the Compound.
——
“…and that’s the story of how I got bit by the spider,” Peter said to the carrier as the car stopped. Peter grabbed the carrier and climbed out of the car. “Thanks for the ride, Happy.”
“Yeah,” Happy said, staring at the carrier.
Peter walked into the Avengers Compound and went towards the lab. Tony came up and wrapped his arm around him.
“Hey, Mr. Stark, I had an idea for a new web formula,” Peter said.
“Kid, we need to talk,” Tony said.
“Is something wrong?” Peter asked. “Are you okay? Are you dying?!”
“No, I’m not-“ Tony said quickly. Jeez, the kid panicked more than he did, which says a hell of a lot.
Peter sighed in relief. Rhodey looked over from the other side of the room. He gave Tony a look.
“You…you…how…shit,” Tony said. He ran his hand over his face. “That baby. That. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal,” Peter said quietly.
“A big deal?!” Tony asked, completely appalled. “You and that is a big deal.”
Peter winced when the baby started crying. He put the carrier on the floor and grabbed the bottle. He lifted up the towel.
“What the fuck is that?” Tony asked.
“Tony,” Rhodey said, throwing his arms in the air.
“It’s a robot!” Tony said loudly.
“Well yeah,” Peter said, picking up the robot baby. “It’s for a school project. I thought I told you about it.”
“No, no, you didn’t,” Tony said. He facepalmed and groaned.
“Oh, sorry,” Peter said awkwardly.
“Why were you in the hospital? I tracked your phone. Don’t argue, just answer the question,” Tony said.
“MJ sprained her wrist,” Peter said slowly. “So I’m looking after the baby.”
“Why is that thing wearing a Captain America onesie?” Tony asked with an offended tone. Rhodey started laughing. “What the hell is wrong with you? That’s offensive.”
“But Mr. Stark. The Iron Man onesie is in the wash,” Peter defended, holding the baby protectively.
“Give me that thing. I’m designing it a suit,” Tony said.
“No, Tony!” Rhodey said loudly.