Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jimmy stared at the message. “The people you are trying to reach do not exist, or they’ve blocked you.” Oh. He felt his heart shatter into a million different pieces. He stared at his comm as he shook. They’d told him they were busy, they’d come home soon. 

They were supposed to come home soon, and he was supposed to curl up on one of their chests with the other two surrounding him as he let himself relax. Cod would never see them again. He’d been a bad mate, or dad, or something. He’d never see them again. Their kids wouldn’t see them again. What had Jimmy done? What had ze done wrong? They were his mates, they were their partners, they weren’t supposed to leave, what had he done wrong? He knew that it was needy, and that they were easy to dislike but, but they were his mates. They had kids together. what had cod done wrong, to make them hate him. 

Ze’d been a bad mate, he must’ve been. He’d tried to be good, he had. He’d tried to do what they needed, what they’d wanted. It’d always been bad though, never had a flock that wanted them. He was never going to be good enough. Ze were broken. Half player half listener. A broken bit of code who was probably better off gone. He hadn’t served and won’t serve a purpose to any flock. His sib- Grian and Pearl didn’t need him, they had each other. They were actually related to each other, they didn’t have to pretend, unlike him. No family to speak of, no flock, no place to go but here. 

He didn’t have a choice in staying alive though, because his kids needed him. His fledglings needed him because he had been a bad flock member and zeir flock had left him, and the fledglings. He was the weakest member of the flock, he had to take care of the babies, make sure they were better than him. Cod could pretend to be happy when they got old enough to understand emotions, and once they could go live with someone else, he’d send them somewhere they could have a real flock, one that wasn’t made up of him, one that wasn’t broken. Once they had their flock, he could go to where he’d buried Charlie, his little one(they hasn’t made it, he’d felt them stop moving-), and he could find a quiet place to die nearby. 

Maybe he’d get sent somewhere nice, but probably not. He was bad, and would probably be sent back to live this moment over and over again. Bad. He was bad. Ze was bad. Cod deserved the punishment it was getting, for not doing enough, for being a bad flock member, for being useless. Bad, broken flock member, a bad mate. If he had been a good partner, they wouldn’t have left him. Cod wished he’d been good enough but ze hadn’t been. It was ok though, it didn’t have to do anything now except let that fuzzy feeling wash over them and go through the motions of zeir life, make sure the fledglings survived. He could do that for them, he’d been the one who wanted them, so ze would take care of its babies. 

He picked up his comm from where it had fallen onto the floor and slipped it into his pocket. He went into his room staring at the nest, before collapsing into it, holding onto the only thing they’d left for him, the clothing weaved into the nest. He breathed in the smell of them and cried. His chest hurt, and his body hurt, it all hurt so bad. He clawed at his wings as he sobbed, pulling feathers out. He cried until he couldn’t anymore, cried until the hurt just ached, until it was gone. 

He got up and checked on the fledglings, he got them each bottles, set them back in their cribs, careful to make sure Amaia had the blanket he’d gotten as a gift for her, and picked up Eth- (he couldn’t call him that, no, no, it hurt too much. A new name would be needed. Still starting with E, but something that wasn’t his name.) He picked up E’s small bear rattle, and carefully settled it next to him as Amber watched him. He settled next to her before carefully reaching out. Her little fingers grabbed his hand and he carefully scooped her up, setting her against his chest. He cried silently this time, as he held her. He was so sorry, ze murmured it to his babies over and over again that he was sorry he made their Papa and Dad and Daddy leave them, that it wasn’t their fault. knew they were too young to realize, to understand, but he was still sorry.  He set Amber back into her crib, singing quietly to her, broken by zeir tears every once in a while, until she fell asleep.

Jimmy slipped out of the room and fell back into the nest. Maybe if he laid there long enough they would come back, maybe they’d come back and keep him safe. Ze’d never be safe though, he was cursed. No one to love him, no flock to help him. He cried until he fell asleep, and  slept until Amaia started crying. He went in and soothed her, made sure she fell back asleep, and that all of them were still breathing, before sinking down in the doorway of the room, too exhausted to move. What was the point in moving when they were the only thing he was here for. Nothing else mattered except them, he was only here to care for them. He loved them, and knew that would get him hurt, but they were his fledglings, of course he loved them. 

Cod felt sick, when he woke up in the morning. He made sure the fledglings were asleep, and barely made it into the bathroom before vomiting into the toilet. He wasn’t sick, he knew that. Him and the babies had been sick the week before. His ma- they hadn’t been there. They’d had to do whatever it was they’d been doing. He’d been too needy, begged them to come home. He should have been good and handled it by codself. Ze didn’t bother to get food for itself. He wasn’t hungry. But he made bottles for the babies, fed them, and went back into the hall before finding a bin for himself. 

When he went back to clean the bottles he’d seen a razor in the kitchen, the type to open packages. It was clean, it didn’t have any rust. Ze got it and slid it to the top of their wrist- they couldn’t leave cods kids but they could do this. He could do this. The blade slid easily over his skin when cod went slow, it bit into his skin some but there was a significant lack of blood. Jimmy sank to the kitchen floor before yanking the blade over his wrist, hard and fast. There was blood now, little beads of it pooling up over the lines he’d made on his wrist. It switched which hand ze were holding the blade in, before slicing fast and hard again. More blood, dripping down zeir pale skin. He watched as it pooled in little opaque red droplets before sliding down his wrists dripping onto his arms and then onto his jeans or the floor. 

The blood felt nice. The pain when he moved his arms felt deserved. He deserved this, he was damaged. Broken. A worthless mate and a worthless flock member and he couldn’t die but he could do this. He had gone back to sitting in the doorway of the kids room. He had stopped slicing at his arms once he counted about 30 cuts on each. He’d instead moved onto his thighs and hips. He felt a strange sense of numbness and satisfaction as the blood dripped down. He pressed his fingers against his skin, feeling the blood, watching as his fingers got stained red. 

It hurt so good. It felt good to watch the blood drip down him. When he pressed against the cuts they stung and it felt so right. It had been. a long time since he’d done this. But he deserved it. He had been a bad mate. He was broken. He was a bad person. He’d just wanted to be good. Cod wanted to be good, wanted to have zeir babies and be good. They just wanted to be a good dad. They’d just wanted to be good why couldn’t he be good.

Chapter Text

It didn’t know how long Ze followed the routine it did. Taking care of the fledglings and crying, eating and drinking only when he felt dizzy. Tearing his feathers out and passing out in the nest begging the universe for his mates to come back. Cutting when the slices on his skin stopped hurting, or were scabbing. It ignored his comm. None of the messages were from them. It didn’t matter, he didn’t matter. Ze had to take care of the fledglings and that was it. The only thing they were worth was doing that.

A knock sounded on his door. He’d forgotten people could still get onto his private world. Ze stood up and opened the door, finding Grian staring at him. And then Grians expression turned to concern and-

“Timmy, where have you been? You haven’t talked to anyone in months, and you look absolute shit. Tangos-“ Jimmy shut the door in Grian’s face. Grian didn’t need to be here, Grian didn’t know about the fledglings, one of which was Tangos. He clearly didn’t know that Tango had been the one to leave, not Jimmy. Jimmy had tried to be good and- 

The door opened and Grian grabbed his hand. Jimmy screamed. Cods breath hitched and he yanked himself away from Grian sobbing, ze couldn’t breathe, it couldn’t breathe, don’t touch him, please don’t touch him. It’s knees gave out and he sank to the floor sobbing. Grian stood frozen for a moment before sitting down in front of him, and offering a piece of something. Jimmy vaguely recognized that it was gum. He shook his head. Grian inched closer, dropping it in zeir hand. 

“Jimmy, please just, chew on that, you’re hyperventilating. I don’t know what’s going on but it should help a bit.”

“G,go aaway,” ze gasped, “pleaase go away.” 

Grian shook his head no.

“If you chew the gum I’ll move back.” 

Jimmy whimpered, shakily unwrapping it, before putting it into his mouth. It was cold, and it tasted strong. Stronger than what he had been eating for the past however long. He nearly retched again, his face wrinkling up. Ze was scared, and it wanted Grian to go away. Grian wasn’t a part of this plan. Grian has his own flock, he shouldn’t be worrying about Jimmy, chirp should go back to feathers flock.

Grian moved back and looked at Jimmy. “We’ve been worried about you. You haven’t answered your comm in 3 weeks, and you were distant before that.”

“Go away Grian.”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on. I’ve been worried. Tango espec-“

“Tango left me behind so shut the fuck up about things you don’t know about.” Jimmy snapped.

“Tango hasn’t been able to get in contact with you for months. I do know at least some of what I’m talking about Jim.”

Jim. Jimmy. Of course chirp was concerned enough to use his real name. But that concern wasn’t needed.

“Piss off.”

“No. Explain what’s going on.”

“I SAID PISS OFF” Jimmy snapped, shoving Grian backwards. Well, trying to shove Grian backwards because instead Grian grabbed his hand pulling it towards chirp, and accidentally pushing Jimmys sleeve up revealing the cuts.

“You’ve been hurting yourself.”

“I know. Go away.”

“No. You’re a danger to yourself and I-“

“I can’t kill myself if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Jimmy. Let me see the rest of the cuts.”

“No. Go away. I’ll be fine. I’m a bad flock member anyways, you shouldn’t fucking be here.”

“You’re my brother, Jimmy. I love you. You’re a good flock mate.”

Jimmy shoved against Grian again, breath catching as he yelled again. “Then why’d they leave! Why the fuck would they leave unless I was bad- I know I’m bad I’m a bad fucking mate and a bad flock member and a bad father and I can’t fucking- I can’t-“ Jimmy was hitting Grians chest with balled up fists, not really hurting him though. Grian grabbed his hands bringing them closer together before pulling zem into a hug. Jimmy broke at that point, sobbing. It hurt. Everything hurt so bad. 

“You have a kid?”

“Kids.”

“This happened when?”

“Two months ago. Didn’t wanna burden you-“

“Let me help. You’re not a burden.”

“I am. Please go away.”

“Fine. But I’m coming back.”

“Mmh. Please just leave.”

Grian acquiesced, and Jimmy went back to sitting in the doorway of his kids room. His cats had taken to bothering him if he tried to cut and he didn’t want to deal with them right now so it didn’t. 

Chapter Text

Ze sat there for an hour before there was another knock on his door, before it opened anyways without waiting to see if Jimmy would answer. It took about five minutes before Jimmy was staring at one Scottsmajor. Scott crouched in front of zem. 

“Get up.”

“What. Scott-“

“If you can’t get up on your own I’ll help but you’re going to get your ass up off the floor, and you’re going to take a shower, which I will be supervising so you don’t hurt yourself more. Then Grians going to come back and you’re going to tell us about your kids and what happened and we’re going to figure out how to help you. So get up.” Scott demanded, staring at him with an unamused expression.

“I don’t need you to fix me-“

“I never said anything about fixing. Get up.”

“Scott. Please just leave I don’t need-“

“You look underweight and have been self harming. There’s a bucket here which means you’ve probably been getting sick, either forcing it or because of anxiety. I’m not stupid. So, since Grian can’t bring it in himself to be stubborn with you, I’m doing it. Get up.”

“You can’t force me to do anything. I have bodily autonomy.”

“Grian and I could check you into a hospital for being a danger to yourself. That’s the least preferred option. So. Get up.”

Jimmy finally gave in and stood, albeit shakily. Scott carefully put his arm around Jimmy's upper back, over his wings but under his arms, and helped him into the bathroom, which Jimmy found cod didn’t have the energy to argue with him. Scott sat him down on the (closed) toilet, before turning the shower on to a good temperature. When Scott turned back towards Jimmy, ze were staring out the window silently.

“Jimmy, why didn’t you call anyone?”

“I didn’t want to burden you, and I’m supposed to be good and being good means handling this on my own. ‘m supposed to be good,” Jimmy muttered.

“You’re, you’re not a burden Jimmy. You don’t have to handle all this shit you’re going through on your own. So many people love you, and I don’t know who convinced you otherwise but I’m going to fucking maim them if they hurt you again.” 

“It’s fine Scott. I’m fine.” 

“You’re not fucking fine, Jimmy.”

“Yes I am! I’m fine, I'm fine, if I'm fine then everyone is happy!”

“Are you happy Jimmy?”

“That doesn’t matter! I’m the least important flock member, my purpose is to make other people happy! That and taking care of the fledglings because I'm worthless otherwise.” Jimmy snapped, hands coming to his wings, tugging out feathers again. He felt Scott try and pull his hands away, but he won, and Scott lost. So of course Scott resorted to stronger methods, pressing a hand in between his wings, making Jimmys body go limp, just enough that Scott could stop him from tearing any more feathers out. 

“Shhh…it’s gonna be ok Jimmy, just relax. I’m gonna go and get Grian, and Tango-“

Jimmy jolted away at the mention of Tango, and simultaneously scared Scott. Especially because avians could only get out of that hold if they were in severe distress, which meant even the mention of Tango had triggered something in Jimmy. 

“Jimmy. What happened with Tango.” Scott murmured, trying to be gentle but an edge of anger slipped through the cracks.

“My fault. Doesn’t matter. My fault mates left. My fault, all my-“

“What. Happened. Because I doubt it was your fault.”

“They said they loved me….i shoulda known ‘m not loveable…”

“You are loveable Jim. I love you so much. So does Grian, and Pearl, and Joel, and Lizzie, and everyone else on Hermitcraft and Empires and the Life servers. Now please, tell me what happened,” Scott pleaded.

“I- i was with Tango. H-he and Impulse and Etho and I s-started hanging out more, and eventually started d-dating…. and I was trying to be a good partner I swear, but I think I accidentally tried to baby trap them… that’s probably why they left. I deserved it anyways, I probably should have killed myself instead of getting pregnant. Too late for that though I guess. I wish I'd had the balls too…”

“Oh…Jimmy. That’s- Fuck them. Fuck them for hurting you. You didn’t deserve that sweetheart…” Scott murmurs before gently kissing Jimmy’s forehead. 

“Yes, m- i did. my fault…I know we did the whole bit about dating, but you never actually- i’m needy, and pathetic.”

“We never actually what, Jim. We went on dates, we did coupley shit all the time. If this is about sex then that’s stupid, everyone who enjoys sex has some weird kinks it-“

“It’s not fine Scott! Nothings fine! And you don’t know what my sex life is like. I'm broken.”

“What exactly makes you broken Jimmy? Because I don’t think you are. You’re definitely sick right now but-“

Jimmy curls in on himself, tucking his head against his knees. “I’m a s-slut. I’m needy, and desperate, and when i don’t feel like killing myself most of the time i just crave sex, and it’s gross, and that’s probably why they left, because i’m too- i’m too needy. I never tried to force them, I would never- but i’m, i certainly asked a lot. And ‘m gross for it. Normal people don’t do that. And i’m on the ace spectrum I know I am! I’m demi, i don’t- i don’t want to have sex with people unless we’re close, but i-“

“Jimmy that- that doesn’t make you broken.”

“I feel broken. Normal people aren’t like me.”

“First of all, being normal is bullshit, and second of all, i’m not a doctor or anything Jim but that sounds an awful lot like hypersexuality.”

Jimmy just pulls in on himself more, another wave of thick nausea washing over him. He scooted down onto the floor near the trash bin, trying to not vomit. “So i’m just a slut with a diagnosis then. I’m a fucking disgusting freak who can’t keep it in his pants.”

He hears Scott sigh, “Jimmy you’re not a bad person for having a high libido. You’re not a bad person for any of this, you’re struggling and I want to help. Our friends want to help. We’ve been worried sick, you just…disappeared. You avoided people, you wouldn’t talk to anyone and then you were just…gone. We love you. I love you. I know, I know you think that we don’t, I know that you think that Tango and Impulse and Etho hurt you but I also know that none of them have seen you in months. I don’t think that it was them you were with. It’ll take time for you to trust any of them again, but I promise you, they’ll do their best to fix it, even if it wasn’t their fault.”

Jimmy whimpers, retching into the bin. The thought of all of this is terrifying. He hasn’t been someone’s first choice in a long time, and he can’t believe it. The idea that the people he was with were imitations of his lover, of his friends. In his heart he knew it was true, they had been different, and he had ignored it. He had loved them, and wanted to believe they had loved him. They had spent his heat with cod, and left when their babies were only a few months old. 

He feels Scott pull his hair back, holding the bin up, doing his best to mitigate the mess. Nothing but bile is coming up from Jimmy’s stomach, and he can’t remember the last time it ate a real meal. Ze’d had some crackers in the morning, only after he had collapsed when trying to feed the cats. He realized he might pass out now, spots in his vision of various colours and auras. He shakily reaches towards Scott, whimpering, and he feels pathetic.

“Scott I’m- I feel- I think I’m going to pass out.” He chokes out, and feels Scott’s arms wrap around him, gently helping him to a lying position on his lap.

“Alright, I’ve got you, it’ll be ok. I’ll stay with you until you come too, and th-“ 

Jimmy hears the words Scott’s saying, before his eyes flutter shut and he slips into darkness.