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Chapter Text

Buck

It's bad again. How can it be bad again? What have I done to deserve this? I just want it to end. So much happened. And I'm still here. How can it be? I should have died years ago. Why didn't I? Why must I keep living? I see many people die each day. So many with family. with friends with partners. These people have everything and they died. Why not me? Why am I still alive? I don't want it. I want it to end. Nobody cares. Nobody. I don't matter. I never had. My parents only had me for spare parts, to save my brother. And I couldn't. He died, I lived. It's not fair.

I didn't notice it than. But right now? My whole childhood I tried to get the attention from my parents, and I only got it when I was hurt. I could have died then. but I didn't. Why didn't I? Did I not try enough? Was it all so harmless? I mean it hurt like hell but still.

 And Then my sister left me alone with our parents. She went away to an abusive piece of shit. I couldn't save her then. But she saved herself. She came to me. That's what saved her. When he kidnapped her I looked for her. And she killed him. It was self-defence. And I can't do shit. And then she found the love of her life. I'm happy for her. I really am. But I can't stop thinking that I'm gonna ruin her life. Maybe not now but at some point I will. And then she got postpartum depression. I hid her, and I thought that's what she needed. What did I get? A slap from her boyfriend. I get why he was angry at me. Damn, I am angry at myself all the time. At least they found back to each other. And even got married. 

And what did I do then? I made it all about myself and that stupid boyfriend. Well, now ex-boyfriend. The way he called me Evan. It made me feel important. But then. “I am your first Evan, I won't be your last?” Guess what loser. Nobody wants to be my last. I don't think I deserve to be loved. Everyone left me. He wasn't even the first. The first was Abby. The first relationship that matters to me. She showed me I can be more than just a playtoy. But then she left. I was hoping she'd come back. But she never did. Then there was Ali. She just wasn't the right fit. She wanted me to quit firefighting after I got crushed by a fire truck. But I couldn't. It's the only thing I'm good at. Saving other lives. So moving on to Taylor Kelly. But she put her job above all else. Wiche I get, believe me. My job is important to me too. And still, it keeps happening and I can't stop it. Am I so unlovable? Maybe I am. I mean my parents only came to my side when I was in a coma. It didn't matter that wasn't the first time I was in the hospital. I almost died eating bread. Then there was the bomb, where I was under a fire truck with a crushed leg. Then the pulmonary embolismy the tsunami and being held at gunpoint. But I survived it without them. Only getting struck by lightning made them come here. That is when I finally matter. Just not for long.

At least my niece loves me. Or well I hope she does. But then again she does have another uncle, Albert, so she doesn't need me. He will spoil her. Not to forget the grandparents who`ll spoil her.

Then there is Chris. The son of my best friend. I thought we had a strong bond. With him coming to me when he was mad at his dad. But he left too. And now my best friend, Eddie, left me. I get it he needs to be there for his son. But I wish. I don't know what to wish for. But what I know is that they are gone. So they don't need me. Even when I may have rented Eddies house in LA. But am I so little to them? Probably. 

Maybe he should have never forgiven me for that lawsuit. Oh, the lawsuit. That was the first time I thought really about killing myself. Because I lost my job and the people there. They were all mad at me. Because I wanted to come back to them and made the wrong choice. But they forgave me, because. I don't know. I don't understand how they could do such a thing. Thinking back now, I wouldn't forgive myself. I`m a fucked up. First hunting my girlfriend's apartment (ex- girlfriend). And now I`m hunting my best friend's house, maybe also ex? 

I'm sitting in that house right now. It's mostly empty now. I can't sleep. I can't sleep in Eddies room or Chris. I just can't. I want to. I want this day to end. I want everything to end. I don't matter. Somehow I found a knife lying around. What if I just end it all? I never tried that. My work life was already dangerous enough. But now it's not enough. I am not enough. I took the knife and held it in my hand. I held it on my wrist. Maybe I can do it. But what if I can't do it? What if I will come back as a ghost and then hunt it for real? But there was this little voice in my head, it will be ok. Just do it. You won't be remembered. 

So  I did it. I took a cut down my underarm. It started to bleed a little bit. It wasn't deep. I need to cut deeper and deeper and deeper.

Chapter Text

Eddie

I can't believe I am in El Paso, Texas again.  But at least I will be together with my son again. I missed my Chris. I drove up to my childhood home porch. I got out of my car to the front door. I knocked. It took a while for someone to open it. And I couldn't believe who opened it. It was my son. “Dad?” “Hey, Chris.” “What are you doing here?” “I came here for you. I brought us a new house here. So you can come back to me.” “What about Buck?” “He stayed in La. He has family there.”

“Oh”, the teenage boy with crotches said. He sounded disappointed. I asked. “What's the matter, buddy?” “Nobody tells me shit!” He slapped the door shut. I was left outside. A bit later my mother came with groceries. “Edmundo, you are here.” Instead of hugging or greeting me, she gave me groceries to get inside. “Did you talk to Chirs already?” “Yes, but no one has told him I'm coming.” “Oh, we must have forgotten. There is so much happening right now. Remembering all his play dates is exhausting.” Hearing my mother say that made me start thinking. Chris was always popular. Did it grow here? Has he more friends than in LA? But then again I was never exhausted planning a playdate with the other kids' parents. Maybe it has something to do that Buck helped. I should text him. 

“Hey Buck, just got to El Paso. Chris was a little bit disappointed that I didn't bring you. Ps. I still have some cookies left for him. Just didn't have the time to give it to him. Call later?”

I helped my mother get the table ready for dinner. Right before dinner was ready I went upstairs to Chris's room. Well, it was my old room, now it's his. I knocked on the door, which was wide open. Chris turned around to me. “Dinner is ready, Chris. But first, let's talk.” He nodded. I came in and closed the door. So that my noisy parents can't hear us. “Here Buck wanted me to give them to you”, I said as I gave Chris the cookies. He asks: “He still bakes?” “Yeah he does. H-how do you know?” “I talk to Buck sometimes. He still helps me with some homework.” “Good. Good, that's good.” “Yeah.” Silent. I don't know what to say anymore. Then I heard my mother screaming: “Dinner is ready.” “Look, Chris. You can stay here tonight if you want. But just so you know I want you back by tomorrow.” “Okay.” was the only thing he said. he stood up and we both went downstairs. 

Dinner went ok. And then I said goodbye and went outside. I opened the car door. “Wait, dad! Wait! Don't leave without me!” I turned around and saw Chris walking to me with a backpack. I helped him get into the car and we drove to our new home.

I can't believe I got Chris back. It's a step forward.

There I showed him his new room and he even wanted me to put him to bed, and read a story like the old times.

He was asleep so soon. I got up and left his room. I went into the living room. I sat down on the couch with my tablet and tried Facetimeing Buck. I need him to know that everything will be ok.

He just doesn't answer. So I wrote to him:

“Hey Buck, Eddie here. Just wanted you to know that I got Chris back. He's living with me again. Call me when you can, ok?”

I went to bed.

And then in the middle of the night, I got a call. “Eddie Diaz here.” “Hello, this is LA Hospital. Am I speaking to Edmundo Diaz?” “I am him.” “Ok. We have an Evan Buckley here and it says you are his emergency contact.” “What happened? Is he Ok?” Eddie was wide awake. Did something happen at work again? Is Buck dead now? “He was brought in with a big wound. He lost a lot of blood. but he is stable now. It's just that this happened yesterday and he should be awake by now, which he isn't.” “I-I. Do I need to come over?” Please say yes please say yes. Eddie doesn't know what to do without Buck in his life. How will he tell Christopher that another important person in his life is now dead? “Yes, it would be best. But just you so know. His sister is here also.” “Ok good. I'm coming over as fast as I can.” He ended the call and got up.

He went to Chris. He needs to tell him now. Before he gets on a plane to LA. “Hey, Chris. Sorry to wake you.” Chris opened his eyes: “What time is it?” “Chris. Buck is in hospital.” That woke Chris up. He sat up. “Then we have to go to him. right now!”

They both got ready to go back to LA.

Chapter Text

The next day

 Almost everyone was at station 118 for the A shift. Only Buck was missing. A young black man asked: “Where is Buck? He wanted to show me something.” “He's probably late, Ravi”, an Asian firefighter said, “Maddie said he's seeing a therapist again.” “But the last time he went to a therapist he was never late, Chim. Not without notifying Bobby”, a black woman said. But everyone believed Chimney that Buck was just gonna be late. A call came in. So they stopped talking and went to the scene. It got later and later, without a word from Buck. They started worrying. Bobby the captain tried calling him. But He didn't answer. That was weird. He always answers and if it's just a short text.

So everyone started to call Buck. He answered no one. “Is there a chance he lost his phone?” “No way. I saw he went home with it.” “And I think he texted Maddie last night.” Chimney said, “Wait. I can ask Maddie. She has to know something.” That's when Chimney texted his wife, Maddie. 

“Have you heard from Buck?” 

“No, I didn't”, she answered, “Did something happen?”

 “He didn't come to work. That's all.”

 “I can go to him and see what happened.” 

“Can you? Maddie, don't overdo it.”

 “I won't, I promise. But he is my brother. I go to him. Talk later.”

“Ok guys, Maddie is on her way to him. We'll have our answers soon”, CHimney told everyone. That's when the bell rang. Everyone ran to the engine.

Maddie

Maddie was on her way over to Buck. She knocked on the door and waited and waited. Nobody. Maddie went inside with the spare key her brother gave her. “Buck?”, she shouted. Or well she tried too. withher throat still healing. She looked everywhere except the bathroom. That was the last place she looked. “Evan are you in there?” She opened the door. She couldn't believe what she found.

There Buck lies. He didn't move. He was spread out on the floor and there was blood. So many blood. What happened here?

She tried to stop the bleeding before she called 9-1-1. “9-1-1 what's your emergency?” It was josh. Oh thank god it's josh. "Josh. It's Maddie. Send an ambulance to 4995 S Bedford St Apt 403.” “I will.” Short silence. “Maddie what happened?” “It's buck he's bleeding. I'm trying to stop it. Josh there is so much blood.” “Don't worry Maddie. An ambulance is on its way.” “Josh I can't lose him” “and you won't lose him. Our best team is on its way.”

At the station 118

The bell went again. They got all inside the engine. When Bobby told them the adresse there was this question: “Wait isnt that Bucks new address.” Some one nodded and everyone went silent. They worried what they might find there. But the they heard Josh from dispatch saing what they should be prepart for.

5 minutes later

Maddie hears the sirens. “Buck stay with me. Help is here.” that's when the 118 came in. “Ok Maddie please give us room to work”, bobby said. Hen was on her way over to buck. “I've got a pulse.” “Ravi go get the gurney.” Maddie got up with the help of Chimney. “Maddie we got it.” He brought her outside. Outside Maddie couldnt hold herself up anymore. Chimney catched her. She began crying. “Chim, I cant just lose him now.” “And you wont. Hen and the team wont let that happen.” A while later everyone got out. WIth Buck on the gurney. “How is he?”, MAddie asked Hen. She answered: “Stable and he will live.” They got in the ambulance. Maddie did too. Chimney drove it to the hospital.

Bobby and the other firefighter took the engine to follow the ambulance.

In the hospital

Maddie waited with the rest of the 118 in the waiting room. Josh took the 118 off calls. Which they needed. They need time to process that one of thei member tried to kill himself. Maddie couldnt belive this. The 118 didn`t too. Like Buck was their golden retriever. Always happy. Not depressed or anything.

Then a doctor came to them. “FAmely of Evan Buckley?” “Im his sister”, maddie said. “Ok, Ma`am your brother is alive and well. We are concernt for how much blood he lost. So he went into a coma. We are waiting for him to wake up.” “Can I. Can we see him?”, Maddie asks. “Yeah sure, two at a time. And is anyone of you”, he looked on his tablet, “Edmundo Diaz. Mr. BUckley emergency contact?” “Do you have to contact him? I mean his sister is right here”, that was chimney behind Maddie. “Its just that it says here that Edmnundo is his emergency contact and it would be better if mr buckley may not make it that he needs to decide it and not his sister. Im sorry ma`am.” “Its ok. At least he is alive” “He is. Also he is staying at room 317. You may visti him when you want.” The doctor went away. MAddie turned to Chimney. He took her in his arms. She began sobbing: “Hes alive.” “DO you want to go to him now?”, Chimney asked. Maddie looked Chimney in the eyes and answered: “Only if you come with me. I dont think I can see him alone again.” “Ofcourse I will come with you, babe.”

The doctor showed them Bucks room. Maddie went inside and sat down on the chair next to Buck, who layd in the bed.  “Hey Buck”, she said and took his hand. His hand was cold. Thats when Maddie bagan to cry. Chimney stand behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. Then Maddie asked: “HOw could he do something like this?” “I don't know, Maddie.” “Chim, I cant. I cant lose another brother.” “And you wont MAddie. Hes gonna live. You found him right in time.” “I Feel like I didnt. I was so scared that hes gone. I cant. I just cant.” Maddie stood up and left the room crying.

“Buck, you need to get better. We are here for you brother. You hear me? But right now I should go and take care of Maddie.” Chimney left too.

Outside was already Bobby and Athena waiting. “How is he?”, Athena asked. Chimney andswerd: “Alive. where did MAddie go?” “This way”, Bobby pointed the way. “Thanks, Cap.” He want that way. Bobby and Athena went into the room.

“Hey kid”, Bobby said and took the chair next to buck. He took his hand. Athena sat down on the other side. ”Hey Backaroo. You scared the hell out of everyone.”