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Chapter Text

Armin could barely open his eyes, coughing as he scanned the dimly lit room he occupied. His head throbbed as he took whatever energy he had left to slowly lift it. A rope was fastened around his hands, stuck behind the back of a chair. Armin almost laughed at how ironic the situation was for it seemed to be straight out of a mystery novel he had read the month before. He struggled to remember what had happened to get him in this situation.

Had the mission gone wrong? They had infiltrated Marley, carnage exploding before his own eyes. From his own actions. He followed orders, he did as he was told. It never took away the bile that rose in his throat or the invisible blood on his hands. He boarded the flying boat, speaking with Hange as they approached the spot to reconvene with the team.

Something did happen. He had left the boat, moving away from the original plan. Mikasa had rushed to the boat, explaining how Eren needed Armin for something, though he wouldn't tell her what. Armin almost hesitated, but his loyalty to a childhood friend took charge. He left the boat quickly, following Mikasa to Eren's location. Eren told her to help the other Scouts, leaving the two of them alone. Armin could barely recall what Eren said beyond an apology. Then it all went dark.

Armin wanted to scream, wondering where he was or what happened to his friends. He felt completely alone, trapped inside a small room with nothing but himself. Could he transform? Blow the building up and escape?

Quickly, he knew those were not options. From lack of information, there was no telling if innocent people were in the area or what damage he could create. He couldn't handle more blood on his hands.

A door creaked open as a face appeared. Long, dark hair shadowed the face of his best friend, Eren, as he stepped into the room slowly.

"Eren?" Armin croaked out, fighting the scratching in his throat. His hands shook even as he fought to show bravery in the confusion he faced.

"You're awake" Eren's dull voice spoke back, staring at him through hooded eyes. Armin looked around, noticing a cot with a rotting nightstand next to it. He could smell the dust in the room, illuminated only by the lantern burning on the nightstand. Armin slowly nodded, feeling too weak to communicate back.

"Are you thirsty?" Eren questioned. He steadied his shoulders almost as if waiting for Armin's onslaught of questioning. Armin simply nodded in response, hoping for anything to soothe the dryness. Eren took his time reaching Armin, almost as if to show a power imbalance, one Armin could not understand. What was his friend doing? A glass rose to his lips and Armin took slow sips, enjoying the cool feeling. As the cup released from his mouth, another cough escaped him.

"What's going on? Where are we?" Armin asked, staring intently into Eren's eyes. Eren did not dare look away, holding his gaze strongly.

"Somewhere safe". Armin nodded hestitantly, as more questions filled his mind. "Why am I tied up?" After no response from his friend, Armin's lips trembled. "Eren, you are scaring me. Why am I tied up?" Eren stared down at him, only moving his hand to flick hair out from his eyes.

Eren turned, moving a few paces back. Once more, he met Armin's eyes, though Eren's conveyed no emotion. "It's part of the plan" he explained, still giving nothing away to Armin. "You'll understand soon". Armin ducked under his intense gaze, fighting the urge to shiver.

"Please, Eren. Let me go" Armin begged, hoping to be anywhere but here. To be home. To watch Mikasa train in the courtyard, Levi's voice booming at the Scouts to continue cleaning the site, Hange's passion-filled eyes, Jean racing after Connie who was off to tell Sasha something he had learned. He missed his friends more in this moment than before. He had no idea if any of them were still alive after invading Marley.

"I can't. That isn't in the plan" Eren replied, eyes shifting to watch the flicker of the flame within the lantern. "Just... can you tell me the plan then? We got a letter, Eren. A small, half-assed letter requesting our help. We came. I came. Mikasa and I did it for you. Encouraged the mission for you" Armin began, tears welling in his eyes. "Please... we did this for you, I deserve to know what is going on, Eren". He begged. He hated begging, it made him feel weak.

Armin could almost laugh. He had the Colossal Titan, was strong, tall, powerful. Yet he had never felt so weak. At the hands of his best friend.

Eren barely could open his mouth to speak when the door creaked open again. Zeke strode in, power emitting off of his character. Armin met his eyes, staring as he paced to a stop beside Eren.

"Eren's friend! Good to see you awake," Zeke began, placing his hands together in front of him. Armin watched in confusion. Wasn't Levi's job to secure Zeke for Eren? Were they brought back? Was he home?

Worst of all, what did he do? Was his explosion so detrimental that he had to be tied up? Was he a risk to the comrades he cared so deeply for? Did he cause more damage than he thought?

"Thing is... Eren told you part of the plan. The other part, well, you are here to have some fun with that, aren't you kid!" Zeke laughed. Armin shifted his gaze between the brothers, still remaining lost. "You see, my brother and I, we couldn't let Marley walk free. They had to be taught a lesson. Your comrades made sure of that didn't they! Now, we teach them a lesson. Eren and I... we seek the power of controlling our own fates. Ensuring nobody can stop us, even your little friends who seemed apprehensive" Zeke explained, planting his arm around his brother's shoulders. Eren barely moved, his shoulders remaining stiff. "We need titan control, we need to control the Paradise government. We seek power to end this war and create our own world, our own war. And... well, we need your titan to do it".

Armin gulped. They wanted to attack Paradise? His home? Eren's home? "No" Armin expressed, shaking his head. His blonde bangs brushed his eyes, needing a trim as the shaved hair on the back of his neck grew longer as well. "You can't tell me I have to attack my home. I won't. What you guys want is to create another war, go against more than Marley, you want to control the world?"

"Too smart for your own good, kid. Eren warned me of that..." Zeke mumbled, turning to Eren who shrugged in response.

"Armin, you don't have a choice. You are with us willingly or not" Eren mused, a small smirk erupting. Armin looked on in horror at his friend... what had changed?

"Eren, that's our home. You can't destroy the lives of our friends, destroy our homeland. You promised!" Armin screamed, his throat growing more hoarse with each word. "You promised to keep everyone safe! You love us!" He felt a tear drip down his cheek, indicating his weakness. He wished for once, he could feel strong. "You won't hurt us, right?" Armin cried out. He thought of Mikasa, whose nightmares played of losing Eren. He seemed to be different, already gone. What did Eren do in his time away?

He watched as Zeke brought out a syringe from his coat pocket. "We thought as much" he said as he stepped closer to Armin. Armin could only watch in panic as the syringe was brought closer to his exposed arm, the sleeve cut off from his transformation. "What... what is that?" Armin whispered, staring at the deep blue serum locked inside.

"We had to convince you to be on our side Armin. I told you, willingly or not" Eren replied, watching as his brother brought the needle closer to Armin's forearm. He screamed for it to stop, for Eren to do something, that he would comply, they could talk about it, figure something out. Eren saw through the manipulation.

"Do it" Eren directed. Zeke punctured Armin's arm as he pushed the serum into his body. Armin screamed, the serum burning his arm as it flooded his system. He felt as though he was drowning, his brain felt like it was going to pulse out of his own skull. Spit dripped down his chin as he yelled, pain erupting throughout himself. This serum, whatever it was, whatever it did, was worse than being a mindless titan. He had never felt pain like this. With a final yelp, his world went dark.

"It's done" Zeke turned to Eren, removing the needle. Eren nodded, folding his arms out in front of him. "Good" Eren began, turning away from the slumped over figure of his best friend. "he's ours to control now".

--

Armin awoke in the same room, only this time he was on the cot. His hands were tied to a post, though not together, with one having the range to navigate to the nightstand. On there was a glass of water and a small piece of bread. He scoffed, though immediately downed the glass of water, feeling the freshness and coolness glide down his throat. His brain felt cloudy, almost as if he had been in a dream. Knowing where he was, he knew this wasn't a dream.

He glanced down at the rope against his arm, only to see a wire full of the same blue serum as before. Armin's eyes widened at the mystery liquid being injected into his body. He noticed the burning had stopped, though he had no idea what the effect had on him.

The door creaked open again, as the two brothers filled the room. "Armin, how are you feeling?" Eren asked, sliding a chair across the floor before plopping down in front of the cot. Armin scoffed, glaring at his friend. "What the hell is this Eren?" He gestured to the serum that flooded his body.

"It's to help you go willingly, Armin. I'm... I'm sorry" Eren began, chewing at his lip, casting his eyes downward. "it's the only way" he suggested. Armin shook his head in disbelief. This can't be the only way to do anything. He scanned over Zeke as the older man cleared his throat.

"I need you to listen to me Armin, and let me know how you feel" Zeke stated. He held out a notebook as his eyes drifted over the words on the page.

"Island devil" Zeke began, eyes flickering up to watch Armin's blue eyes widen. His face grew dark, darker than he expected. Armin felt his heart drop, hating the phrase that Marley had given his home. His friends. Himself. "That's me" Armin croaked out. His own eyes blinked in shock, not knowing what made him say that. He felt rage for the phrase, wanting to seek revenge. Where did this come from?

Zeke merely smiled, nodding in response. "Eldian" Zeke spoke. Armin felt blood rush to his ears, his face burning. "Me". Armin replied. It was true, he knew that much. He was an Eldian, or at least in Marlayean terms. The word filled him with more rage, something he hadn't felt before. What was happening to him?

"Island devil. Eldian" Zeke said again. Armin rolled his eyes in response, "you already said those words". He voice came out strong, ignoring the shaking of his hands against the tight ropes around them. He could feel the heat radiating from his body, his hands begging for release. This time, Eren smirked. His eyes met Armin's.

"Sea". With one word, Armin grunted out. His arms thrashed against the ropes, a rage consuming him so deep and primal that he felt nothing but hatred for the words being said. "Let me go!" He roared, fighting the ropes that seemed impossible to escape. Eren nodded, glancing down at the paper. "Freedom".

Armin couldn't breathe. Only short, hot breaths left his mouth as more thrashing occurred. He had no control over himself as this anger fueled his entire mind.

"Bomb". With one word, sparks erupted over his hands. Zeke's eyes widened, closing the book tightly. "Enough" he barked out at Eren, shaking his head. Armin saw red, only red. He felt himself burning in pain, hatred. He wanted revenge. He wanted to create pain.

This wasn't him. Yet, it felt all too normal. All too good.

"Armin, that's enough" Eren said, staring at the sparks coming from the blonde's hands. Immediately, he stopped. His mind clicked at anything Eren said. He wanted to follow Eren's orders, Zeke's orders, wanted to be loyal to only those people. He sat silently, watching as Eren and Zeke whispered among themselves.

"Is this enough for him to go back?" Zeke asked. Eren only nodded. He murmured about how they had him, that everything would work. Eren emphazied patience and how it would all work out if they waited for the time to be correct.

Armin felt cold wash over him, the blue serum continuing to pump into his veins. A voice at the back of his head screamed at him, telling himself he was a failure and weak. That he was failing his job, though he didn't know any other job now. He had a job. To follow orders.

"Armin, you will go home now. You won't talk about this to anyone. Not even Mikasa. Tell the Captain and the Commander you escaped capture. You will find the details, you are smart enough to make it up as you go. We will come for you soon, I promise." Eren began, moving over to a small bag full of clinking bottles. "you will proceed to take an injection of this serum daily. Don't let anyone see. If they do, tell them it's for your nightmares, that a doctor prescribed them to you. Keep it brief" Eren handed over the bag, full of blue vials and syringes. "don't fuck this up. We will see you soon, goodnight".

Armin's world went dark once again.

Chapter Text

Armin woke up with a headache. He had those a lot lately. He rolled over his bed, the glass of water he left himself the night before comfortable next to him. The warmth in his body took some getting used to, ever since he left Marley and evaded capture, he had felt this sudden heat. He found himself to be more confident, bold, aggressive even in his own opinions and thoughts. Almost as if a rage from the mission had engulfed him and continued to simmer underneath his own mind.

He remembered snippets. The flying boat, the explosion, the cries and screams, the blood. Oh... the blood. The blood on his own hands, caused by the explosion he was instructed to do. He had to destroy the boats, stop any combat attacks from Marley. That's what Mikasa told him at night before the plan went into action only as if to silence his screams that escaped as he slept. It barely comforted him at all.

He yawned as he stepped out of bed, feeling the cool touch of the floor beneath his feet. It felt nice, almost as if it was an escape from the heat encompassed in his body. Even cold showers didn't do the trick anymore. The clock expressed that it was almost time for breakfast, followed by more planning and paperwork. They needed a plan. Some way to stop the attacks from Marley and avoid Reiner's war path in the making. They had lost Zeke in the fight, one aspect of the plan that went wrong as Levi got attacked by some force he didn't see coming. Levi couldn't even describe what happened, only knowing Zeke had disappeared. Eren told them to trust Zeke... yet a questionable disappearance only created a sour taste within the Scout's. They didn't know what to trust, regardless of Mikasa's loyalty that Eren had no idea.

He glanced over at his blue serum medication, something he took daily to aid in his nightmares. He scoffed at it, shaking the bottle as the serum flowed against the glass. For taking it every morning, it barely helped. He continued to have frequent nightmares clouded by his screams. He thought it would help to limit this, but the sleepless eyes of the comrades next to his room expressed otherwise. The needle dripped as the blue serum filled the syringe. He grimaced as he injected it into his arm, questioning the thought process of the doctor who prescribed this to him. He wondered if there was a pill alternative to help him sleep better, yet he urged himself to continue with the serum, no matter the illogical nature of it.

He felt a burn in his arm for seconds, before it went away, leaving a pleasant feeling instead. He felt in control of himself. He felt full. Armin walked to the closet, slipping on a green shirt and his uniform pants. The top buttons were left undone, teasing collarbones. He began walking to the hall to find breakfast as his stomach growled in protest. The smell of bread filled the air as he lingered down to his destination. Small voices erupted in the room, different conversations occurring. Armin grabbed a plate as he filled it with bread and the new berries that Sasha had picked after she went foraging with Jean. They were fresh and practical, leaving Armin satisfied with something new for his pallete.

He spotted Mikasa's short dark hair eating in silence. Sasha talked loudly next to her, throwing her arms around to explain some story. Jean stared at her with his eyebrows dropped low, scowling at whatever she said. Connie held his stomach from laughing so hard at the remarks. He noticed the Captain and Commander missing from the room, probably still stuck in numerous and countless meetings that took up time day and night. Armin took a seat next to Jean, sitting across from Mikasa. He gave her a small smile as she glanced up at him. She looked tired, dark circles pasted under her eyes. Eren was still MIA, leading to her stress. She trusted him, yet scarce letters only did so much to tide over anyone's anxiety.

"Aren't you here a little late" Mikasa laughed, a small chuckle followed by a smile that barely met her eyes. Armin nodded, trying his best to stop a yawn that threatened to surface. "Late night" he explained, beginning to tear apart the bread on the plate with his hands. The taller boy sitting next to him rolled his eyes, glancing over at Armin, "You work too hard, you know? Take a break, let the Commander deal with the plans, give that tired brain a little break" as he nudged the smaller boy. Armin felt heat prick his shoulder where Jean nudged him, though it was gone as soon as it sparked. Armin nodded in agreement, humming softly trying best to change the subject.

It wasn't that he didn't trust Hange and Levi to handle the plans. It was only the fact that if he could his mind and ideas to help in anyway to find the best success for his comrades fighting Marley, he would. Even if that meant different meetings scrambled throughout the day, training, learning more about his titan, and reading to establish new plans. It gave him purpose, something to do.

Armin knew he wasn't the strongest among his friends. He had brains and he used that strength in the best way he could. It wasn't like his nights were successful, so he endured many late nights.

Sasha glanced over at Armin before dropping her steaming potato down on her plate. A gasp left her as she pointed at him, "are you alright, Armin? Your nose..." Armin brought a finger to his nose as he felt a trickle of blood begin to seep down. He blushed, embarrassed as he extended over Jean's form to grab for a napkin resting in the middle of the table. He dotted at his nose, trying best to clean the mess that came out of nowhere. Pulling it back, the napkin was stained dark blue rather than a usual red. Jean stared down in shock.

"Why the hell are you bleeding blue, Arlert?" Jean spoke, eyes glued to the blue stain. Armin's eyes did the same, staring at the same color as the serum he took daily.

"I-uh, I take a medicine to help me sleep, something to do with nightmares. Doctor recommended. Probably took too much" he replied sheepishly, returning the cloth to his nose to seep up the rest. Mikasa stared at his disapprovingly, questions flooding her eyes that remained unspoken. He slowly shook his head at her, indicating to drop the subject. It quickly worked as Connie made another dumb remark that sent Sasha off. Except, he couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching. Jean's eyes didn't leave the napkin stuck to Armin's nose. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, yet it looked like concern?

Armin had grown closer to Jean slowly over his training days. While not as close compared to Mikasa or Eren, or what Jean had with Connie and Sasha, the two had established a bond that remained strong since the boys had saved each other numerous times. Since Eren's disappearance, he felt himself gravitate more to the comfort Jean provided, whether that was laughs or silence and staring at the sky as Jean doodled.

"I'm fine, Jean" Armin whispered, voice carrying low enough for only Jean to hear. Jean nodded slowly, not taking his eyes off of the napkin. Finally, a nudge from Connie next to him broke his gaze and Armin almost felt his shoulders relax, releasing an unknown tension that had been present. Even with the bleeding, Armin couldn't find himself to worry about the nature of the serum, entrusting it and feeling as though it was his duty to use to it. He went back to his berries and bread except his appetite felt dwindled.

--

The sky was dark as the Scouts worked outside, training with ODM gear or basic combat skills. Levi watched intently as Hange peered around. They looked as though their fingers itched for a journal of some sort rather than watching the newest recruits fight poorly.

Armin watched from the edge, eyes scanning until the landed on Jean, training new Scouts. The sky was gloomy yet Jean did not seem to take notice. He barked orders at the kids and rolled his eyes at their failures. Beyond his frustrations, Armin could tell he put his heart into this. Jean cared for these people and wanted them to succeed, regardless of how he showed it.

Mikasa smiled at Sasha's form laying helplessly on the ground. It was another round of defeat that contributed to each ache in her bones. Armin laughed at the girls as Mikasa helped Sasha back up, a comfortable conversation taking place between them.

A shadow blocked his view quickly. It wasn't difficult as his height never sprouted the most, though he grew slightly since first joining the Scouts. Broad shoulders stood in front of him as arms crossed in front of their chest. Armin's blue eyes met Jean's as he looked up.

"They are no hope" Jean muses, brushing his hair out from his eyes. It needed cut but he found himself enjoying the newfound length it brought with letting it grow out. Provided confidence... and maybe more for someone to run their hands through.

Armin laughed at Jean's comment, nodding. "I think we were too at that point, give them more time, Jean". Jean only shook his head, "Yeah, yeah, because all we got is time". Armin shrugged back at him, glancing over at Levi and Hange who were deep in conversation. He noticed Mikasa wandering over to the two and wondered what she might need to speak about with them.

"We all feel the pressure of Eren's unknown whereabouts, you know" Armin snapped, frustration suddenly raging in his head. It wasn't fair to anyone. Eren gave half-assed letters about new plans or ideas and went silent for weeks on end, only leaving with words of trusting him to provide comfort. Armin tried to believe him, yet something scratched at the back of his mind in warning. Anxiety was all too common and overthinking Eren's words wouldn't do anyone justice. Armin kept those thoughts to himself.

"I know that" Jean lowered his gaze, staring at his dirty boots against the dusted ground. "It's just... we all know you guys have...circumstances" he paused. Armin gulped, wishing the conversation at hand would go anywhere but here. 13 years was never a long time. Sure, joining the Scouts provided a short deadline. He didn't expect he would have ever made it as far as he did. Not that he wanted it to end any sooner. "Look-all I am saying is that this is bullshit and I'm tired of prepping these lanky ass kids with no hope for something I can't even see the right in".

"Jean, we all just have to trust Eren" Jean rolled his eyes, it felt as though Armin hadn't heard a word he said. "He wants us all safe, Mikasa and I have faith in him, so does the Commander" Armin continued, intently watching Mikasa gesture to her face while speaking with Hange and Levi. "It may do you some good to do the same". With that, Armin walked away from the taller man, who he left grumbling.

He felt something claw at his chest in a way that screamed to stay. He wanted Jean to trust him. To believe in this plan that he believed in. The plan of which he had no idea what was going on anymore, but had to continue faith in his best friend. The tension in the conversation left his shoulders tense, but as he made his way to Levi and Hange, he had to let it go. It wasn't as though disagreements left him feeling down, but the look on Jean's face after refusing to hear him through and pushing his own personal agenda left a pit in his stomach. One that couldn't be understood. Friendly...right?

Chapter Text

Jean woke up to screaming. It wasn't unusual, screams echoed the halls on even on the best of days. The few of them who remained were plagued by nightmares constantly of what they had endured. For him, some nights he was chasing a ghost. Marco's death weighed heavily on him even after all this time. A body left damaged by titans, unaware of what truly happened to cause it. Words left unsaid between the two. Jean always felt that Marco was his first best friend in the Scouts. The person who he trusted his life with. Sure, Marco had been attractive. Jean was attractive. He noticed that about people. Mikasa, well, she was beautiful. It left him stumbling over his own feet and words as soon as he caught sight of her. But Marco... he was handsome. Freckles painting his skin, a smile that could ight up a room. Jean doodled day and night to ensure he captured that grin only to rely on it heavily now as a memory. Marco's lips. Pink, plump, creasing at the sides from a bright smile. It was normal to think about his friend's lips when capturing an image in drawing, right? The way his stomach lurched at the thought screamed otherwise, yet it remained ignored. Maybe he could think of Sasha's lips in his next doodle. His stomach hurt at the thought.

The screams continued for minutes, not drowning out from the echoes of the night. Jean sat up in his bed, slowly getting out and creeping to the door. He knew those screams. Guttural and real. Ones from the boy who burnt to nothing only to become a lifeless monster in the span of minutes, one who came out looking as though he had never been hurt once before. Jean hesitated at the door. He should turn around. He should let it go.

His hand found the knob at the door before his brain could stop him. He paced down two doors, hearing Connie's snores from across the hall. He rolled his eyes because of course, if anyone could sleep through this noise, it was Connie. The door creaked open with a slight squeal. Footsteps patted against the floor reaching the smaller figure of Armin's trashing form. Blonde hair stuck to his forehead, creased aggressively, yet still looked delicate. Jean reached out his hand. Brushing Armin's shoulder, Jean slightly shook him. Screams filled the room continuously as they become more hoarse overtime.

"Armin, wake up" Jean shook him harder. Blue eyes snapped open, fear swimming around them. Armin's head flipped around, moving side to side as he took in his surroundings. The darkness left only a figure in front of him. Danger.

"Eren, I can't take anymore. I won't" Armin gasped out, hands reaching for his head. His chest heaved deeply with breathes going in and out at a quick rate. The blue serum. The lantern. Zeke. Eren. Death. His friends. These... words.

Jean noticed the glazed look in the boy's eyes. Eren? Taking something? What kind of dream did this kid have? "Armin, it's Jean. Eren's gone" Jean tried to reason. Armin shook his head.

"You'll hurt us all" Armin cried out, shaking his head between his hands. He looked so small here, even with a new haircut and grown up features. He looked so damaged.

"Armin, wake up dude" Jean raised his hands to meet Armin's, cupping his face in part. His hands felt so soft. Lack of callouses, no scars, just sweet, smooth flesh. A brief thought of never letting go splashed through his mind. It left as quickly as it came. He had to ensure his friend was safe. That was all.

Almost as if waking up for the first time, Armin squared his shoulders. One deep breath. He finally met Jean's gaze and slowly exhaled, dropping his hands yet keeping Jean's with him the whole way down to rest on the bed. "Jean!" Armin's chest stopped heaving. What did he miss?

"When did you get here?" Jean furrowed his eyebrows. "I've been here trying to wake you up" Jean squeezed Armin's hand. "You've been screaming".

Armin laughed, "nightmares, you know!" His grin creeped onto his features, leaving Jean more confused than before. Screaming from nigthmares to laughing? What was happening in this kid's mind? "Do you mind handing me my medication? In that bag over there," he pointed. Blue vials littered the inside of the bag. Jean had noticed it was the same color that seeped from his nose earlier.

"Sure you want this? Gave you quite the bleed" Jean grabbed the bag as he threw it over to Armin. He nodded gratefully, before quickly prepping and injecting his arm with the liquid.

"Prescribed. Doctor, for nightmares" Armin glazed over. "Sorry to wake you, hope I wasn't too loud" his chuckle continued to throw Jean off guard. Hairs stuck to Armin's forehead more. Jean hadn't noticed how soft his face looked. Matured with age. Lines coated from stress. Jean's hand jumped slightly, almost as if to move the hairs away from Armin's face. That's what friends do, look out for each other and ensure sight. Right?

"It's fine" Jean glanced over at the door. The screams stopped. Nothing stopped him from a quick escape back to his own room. "Do you," Armin's voice grew small. "maybe, want to stay with me a while?" Jean rubbed his eyes, hoping the tiredness wouldn't show. "Alright." What could a few minutes hurt?

"Were you dreaming of Eren and Marley?" Jean asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. Armin's legs hunched up, curling his feet under him. He looked so small. Jean wanted to wrap his arms around him and shield him from the dangers of the night. Clearly, to ensure Jean would be able to sleep without screaming in the background. Only for that purpose.

"No, I don't believe so" Armin honestly couldn't quite remember what his nightmare may have been. He remembered a flickering lantern. After so many years with the Scouts, a lantern in a dream could have been anywhere they had stayed and didn't strike up any memories.

"You, uh" Jean fiddled with his hands, feeling nervous about explaining what he had heard in Armin's dream-like state. "You said you didn't want something from Eren, i think" Jean glanced at the bag. Armin didn't want to take something, all that he took was this medicine. It seemed almost as if Eren had provided this mystery serum rather than a professional. Jean had no idea what it was still. For being prescribed to aid nightmares, it didn't help.

"Probably regret from attack" Armin whispered, "Jean, sometimes all I see is the bloodshed I created" Jean looked at Armin's eyes, tears welling in them. "I... I stepped on bodies. Numerous dead bodies. I killed them"

"You did what you had to do to protect our home" Jean justified, trying to provide any hope for the boy. He couldn't imagine. That amount of blood on his own hands. He had killed, of course. To save his life, the lives of his friends. Becoming a titan out of necessity and blowing up a port from some maniac's letter? He had no idea what that was like. He could only hope Armin understood that nobody blamed him. He followed orders.

Armin shook his head. A monster. He became a monster and killed innocent people who didn't know anything better. "i killed Marleyeans, Eldians..."

Something lurched inside of him. The word generated a rage deep in his core. Eldian. Blood boiled deep in his stomach. He groaned, flames engulfing his head. All he felt was anger. Hatred. Power. He was in control. He had to do something. Anything.

Jean didn't notice this shift. Armin sat up straighter, beginning to crawl out of bed. "Where are you going" Jean asked, watching as Armin's shift drifted to cover his back. Only after a sliver of skin was exposed. Armin was toned, Jean knew that. Carrying around heavy ODM gear does that. The curve of his lower torso though was something unseen since when Armin was brought free from a steaming titan after a resurgence of life. It made Jean lick his lips.

Damn, was he touched starved. Better to not lick his lips over the first piece of exposed skin he's seen in a while.

"Out" Armin barked, steadily leaving the room. Jean stared at the boy in shock, pausing. What the hell happened? Where had that tone came from? He shook his head, urging to go after him. Except, after that last statement, he felt it best if Armin had time to himself. Surely, he must be going to his office, generating more plans. Yes... that was it. Jean stood up slowly, ignoring the pressure to follow Armin. With a turn, he headed back to his room to crawl into bed and go back to sleep.

--

Armin woke up with a headache. It was routine, nightmares, headaches, forgetting what he dreamed of. More serum. He realized that over half of the contents were used. What doctor had he seen again for the medication? Maybe a stronger dose could be prescribed next time. The nightmares hadn't ceased. Clearly it wasn't working. Though he wasn't a quitter and continued to use as instructed.

The halls were quiet. Too quiet. A meeting was taking place, all without him. He quickly changed into uniform before heading to the designated conference room. Hange was mid-sentence when Armin stepped in. He tried to walk silently over to the table, working to ignore the eyes littering over him.

"Ah... sleep well, Arlert?" Hange mused, watching as he sat in a chair. Armin only nodded, muttering a quick reply before gazing at the papers in the middle of the table. A map. A letter. A new letter, it seemed like. "Jean mentioned your nightmares, wanted to let you sleep in, anyway-" Hange continued pace with what they were saying before. The letter appeared blank though it was hard to tell from this angle.

Armin swiped it up, assuming everyone had already seen it. Connie looked to be daydreaming as Sasha munched on more berries that were picked. Mikasa's eyes watched every move Armin made, concern deep in her features.

I will see you all soon. Prepare. More is coming than you think. Explain soon. - Eren

Armin rolled his eyes. Another few statements of promises, another lack of explanation. When his best friend became so coy, Armin would never know. He threw the letter back to the middle of the table, watching the Commander continue to speak. A pit formed in his stomach, though he tied it to just waking up and missing part of the meeting. It felt intense and sharp yet was gone quickly as the letter slide into the middle of the table.

"You alright?" Jean whispered from next to Armin. Keeping quiet, only a nod was used in response. Jean flashed a small smile at the acknowledgement and let it go. For a moment, Armin couldn't quite remember their interaction last night. Until he did. Jean's warm hands pasted over his own. The comfort provided. The eagerness to help soothe Armin from his nightmares. He always knew Jean cared for his friends, but seeing Jean want to comfort him in a time of need was new. It felt almost natural. To seek one another. Armin couldn't get over the feel of Jean's body so close to his own last night.

Sexuality was never something Armin battled with. It wasn't necessarily something he felt the need to clarify to everyone. He liked men, always had. It wasn't that he didn't find girls attractive, for Historia had caught his eye early on. But she was always so cute. Never something to pursue. He felt it first for Eren, long ago. The hero complex his friend had to save him from countless bullies. The way Eren's eyes grew bright when explaining his plans to fight titans. The cuddles they shared at night as kids newly in the Scouts, comforting each other from the dangers awaiting them. He always felt safe with him and it was only a matter of time until friendly feelings became more. Quickly, it disappeared. Eren loved Mikasa. Mikasa loved Eren. Eren wasn't his. This never hurt, rather it was familiar. He found happiness in having Eren in his life, even if romantic feelings were not shared. He moved on, finding other recruits cute. There was sweet Marco, though their chats always exposed the one's feelings for Jean. Connie was, well... Connie. That wouldn't happen. Reiner had made Armin feel safe, yet he was a titan who contributed to his life being shit and that couldn't sit well with him.

Then there was Jean. Always a handsome man, with sharp features and a strong build. Armin was thankful for the friendship he had built with the boy, and while he was handsome, he never considered it to be more. Until last night. Jean could be someone he sought after in times of need to find a comforting presence, though it would always be friendly. Armin tried to not think too much on the topic.

"Where'd you go last night?" Jean asked, trying to watch the Commander pointing at things on the map. Armin looked over in surprise.

"What do you mean? I was in bed" Jean shook his head. "You left. Don't know where to, thought you wanted to be alone" Armin nodded slowly. He had no idea where he went. "Yeah, thanks. I did. Just worked on plans, trying to get my mind off of it". No plans were worked on. at least none he could remember. What did he do? He woke up in bed, made his way back at some point. But what happened in between?

The feeling of losing part of his night did not settle well. Anxiety rippled through him as he couldn't even remember when he left or Jean did. To his knowledge, he thought he had fallen back asleep with Jean at the edge of the bed. He would dive into this mystery after the meeting.

Jean watched him wearily, staring at Armin's blue eyes who looked anywhere but to meet Jean's. He knew Armin well enough to notice when something was wrong and judging from the tense stature of his body, something was not going correct. He wanted to pry and understand what was going on but decided against it after the echoes of Armin's screams echoed in his mind. He paused and shifted his eyes to go onto the Commander and listen in to the meeting taking place.

--

"Don't eat that!" Sasha screamed, rushing over to a bowl of cubed potatoes. Jean flinched and removed his hand mid-air to rest against his side.

"Bro, you almost got your hand bitten off!" Connie laughed, clutching his stomach. Jean could only grin, knowing better than to get in the way of Sasha and her food. A notebook laid open next to his legs, curled up in the grass as the sun began to set in the sky. It was a lovely day and after the meeting, everyone split off to work on their tasks. It was luck the three friends had time for enjoyment, something so rare to come across lately. A lazily drawn sketch littered the page as it outlined the sun setting and the two friends sat nearby. Anyone could die tomorrow, Jean thought it best to practice his skills with models so close to remember them no matter what.

Staring at the blue in the sky, Jean thought of Armin's eyes. Blue like the ocean, they sparkled whenever Armin spoke of what he was passionate about. They glowed constantly and were an outlet of hope for Jean. He couldn't pin down just when he began to think so heavily of Armin's eyes, but the blue shades in the sky were comparable. It was almost as if you looked too long, you would be lost in them.

"I don't get why they trust him so much" Connie mused, responding to whatever Sasha had said. Jean's ears perked up and he glanced over at his friends.

"Grew up with him dumbass" Sasha groaned, shaking her head disapprovingly. It seemed obvious. They had such a drastic history together, Eren saving Mikasa, Mikasa saving Eren, Eren saving Armin. The three had a tight bond and it made sense to trust each other, regardless of odd behaviors as of late.

"Sure, sure..." Connie begins, gesturing wildly with his arms, "but if you two told me to blow up a port and kill hundreds of civilians, I'd evaluate your motives." Jean paused. It was reassuring to hear about how difficult of a decision Armin had to make to follow orders. Even more, how reckless Eren had been in his life. All of their lives. He used them as bodies only to ensure the safety of himself. The thought infuriated Jean. He was tired of blindly following this suicidal maniac and hated to see the damage being done to his friends over it.

In the midst of his thoughts, Jean failed to see Armin sneaking up behind the trio. Armin's face was pale as he gulped, "Captain wants some extra training right now." Connie turned around slowly, staring up at Armin. He sheepishly smiled back at him. It would take an idiot to not realize Armin heard everything they were saying. While Connie was comedic relief to the Scouts, he wasn't dumb enough to not see this.

"Armin, listen, about what I said-" He was abruptly cut off by Armin shaking his head, telling him that it was no big deal, turning around and walking away. Jean groaned, a hand running down his face. Armin hated himself enough for being the Colossal titan, taking Erwin's spot. He hated himself more as he explained last night about killing all those innocent people over orders. Jean had never felt so guilty in his life, especially for something he didn't say.

"You think he didn't hear?" Connie asked, chuckling nervously. Sasha sighed loudly and shoved Connie, picking up her bowl and glaring at him.

"He did! Idiot..." Connie threw his hands up in defense as Sasha continued to scold him. Jean gripped grass blades as he stood up, swiftly walking away to try to catch Armin's retreating form.

"Arlert, wait up!" He called out, starting to increase his pace. For being inches shorter, he sure moved quite fast. "Slow down!" Armin ignored each word and almost seemed to increase his strides as he tried to make it back.

Finally, Jean breaking into a little jog, caught up to Armin.

"Look, about what happened-" Jean was cut off by Armin once again moving forward quicker. "Fucking ridiculous" he whispered to himself.

Jean jumped forward, catching Armin's hand in his own. "Please... just stop" Jean begged, feeling how clammy Armin's hand was. It was smaller than his own, yet it fit like a missing puzzle piece. The warmth radiating off of it felt nice against the cool touch of Jean's from the chilled grass he was touching moments before. Armin was shaking, his hand vibrating slightly against Jean's.

"He shouldn't have said that" Jean begins, squeezing his hand around Armin's tighter. Armin didn't fight back which indicated a good sign for Jean to continue. "It was stupid, he's stupid, you know Connie, just says whatever is on his mind, you know!" Jean word vomited like crazy, thinking of anything he could say to improve the situation. If anything, all he could focus on was improving Armin's mood. And his hand. Holding Armin's hand. No... he couldn't think about that right now. Just Armin. Armin's pretty eyes.

Pretty? He gazed into the sea and the sky all at once as Armin looked up at him.

"It's fine, Jean" Armin muttered, glancing away. Jean felt a loss, losing the sky all at once. "It's the truth" Jean squeezed harder.

"You did what you had to do. Like I said last night, just what you had to do, everyone knows that. You helped us to complete the mission," He reached out his other hand, pausing in the air. He wanted to put it under Armin's chin, raise his head up high, his eyes back to Jean's. He hesitated, leaving his hand in an awkward space between their bodies. He didn't touch Armin's chin, even if he itched to do so. "You kept a counter-attack from happening."

Armin nodded, "I know that. I know all of this. I just wish I didn't have their blood on my hands, is all." Jean couldn't begin to understand. He wouldn't, could never understand just what Armin felt. He could be there though, standing with Armin, listening to him, letting him grieve his own innocence, lost years ago. He would be a rock for Armin to collapse on and he decided in that moment that it would be his duty forever.

His hand twitched, moving closer to Armin's chin. In a fluid movement, he placed it against the face of the other boy and raised his head up. Armin's eyes flashed confusion and another emotion, one Jean couldn't place. It almost looked like excitement, yet it disappeared swiftly.

"You continue to save me, Arlert" Jean mused. He was seconds close to stroking his thumb against Armin's soft skin. Scarless. Healed of any mission that would expose his connection to the Scouts. The Colossal truly took everything from him.

Armin blushed deeply, his cheeks shading pink. Jean's hand felt cool against the warmth of his face. He didn't want it to leave ever. He didn't think about how Jean's hair tickled the boy's neck, strands cascading down to tuck behind his ears. He felt the callouses rough against his face, representing all they had been through. Once again, Jean provided Armin with a sense of comfort, the demons in his head subsiding for a moment.

Armin opened his mouth to speak until he heard laughter coming from yards behind them. Connie and Sasha were still bantering as they walked over. Quickly, Jean's hand fell. Armin found himself missing the connection, as brief as it was.

"Training area in five" Armin said, taking a deep breath and turning away. Jean remained frozen there, staring at the hand that felt the warmth softness of Armin's face. He remained still until Connie's arms were thrown around his shoulders and he was jolted to move forward.

Why did he want his hand to stay? To stroke the soft skin under it? Jean shook his head. Off to training he went.

Chapter Text

Everyone gathered in a crowd, huddled around the Captain. He scanned the individuals left to save humanity. Most of them he disapproved of. They were slow, careless. He wondered how he ended up in this situation. Watching the recruits grow up, more so grow taller. He grunted slightly at the thought. Of course, they would all shoot up in height to spite him. Try to look better, stronger. Levi knew his own capabilities, regardless of size.

"Pair up, we need to work on your combat" He spit out, watching Hange stride over from afar. For a moment, he almost wished it was Erwin making his way over. He'd know what to do in every situation faced. Regardless, Erwin wasn't here. He gazed over at Armin, folded in on himself. He exhibited a newfound confidence lately, since he showed up after disappearing from the flying boat. Said some story, one Levi couldn't begin to remember. He came back, safely. That's what he remembered. He didn't find himself regretting his decision that day. Saving the kid's life. Erwin needed a break. The hope and passion that was bright within Armin, well... he didn't make a mistake.

Quickly, the Scouts moved around to pair off. He watched pointedly at the newer individuals who needed more training. He wasn't worried about his core soldiers, one who were experienced. He knew what they had gone through. Trusted them enough to lead even.

As a boy fell on his ass, Levi glared. This is what he was left with?

Hange made their way over to Levi, grinning. "I think I have an idea!" They clapped, ignoring the sounds of the others around them. Levi nodded at this because Hange constantly had new ideas.

"We need to continue working with Armin on his powers" Hange pointed out. While they had spent months with Armin working on the powers that came with his new titan form, there was always room for improvements and practice. They had a successful run with blowing up the port, but from the screams Levi heard at night, that confidence could have fallen.

"We can't back down, we need to keep it strong for whatever Eren has planned. Granted, that letter was no help! You'd think Eren would try to somewhat informative" Hange dragged on. Levi watched as Mikasa helped up Sasha from the ground, a small smile warped over his face. It was almost like looking at his own squad from back in the day.

"Bring the kid over, you tell him that then" Levi suggested, noticing Armin brushing himself off from the dust coating his ankles from a fall to the ground.

"Armin!" Hange yelled gleefully, marching over a few paces to meet him closer. Armin bounded over, happy to see the Commander.

Jean had paused what he was doing, letting Connie get in a good few hits. He watched as Hange explained something to Armin, only to turn around. She waved over Mikasa, Sasha, Connie and Jean. Connie muttered annoyingly, "I literally was about to make your ass grass" as he dropped his arms and headed over. Jean rolled his eyes, moving over to the small group that had solidified over years.

"Mikasa, you worked a lot with Armin's transformations a few years back, right?" Hange asked, finger tapping on her chin. Mikasa nodded in response, looking over at Armin. Jean never had the opportunity to help with transformations, that being taken care of by Mikasa and Eren primarily. At least, before Eren decided to disappear.

"I want strength, empowerment, something to keep spirits high!" Hange continued, looking around the group. "Jean! You'll come with on the next mission. I need Mikasa here to help with training, her ODM skills are no match and these new kids need a lot of work with this gear." Jean felt his heart drop.

He was going to help? Armin and him? Alone. They had spent time alone numerous times, except now all he could think about what his hand on Armin's face and maybe being on his shoulder, lower back... touching his thighs. He blinked slowly at the thought, his mouth going dry. What the hell was he doing.

"Of course, Commander" Jean replied, nodding along. He almost pinched himself to stop the thoughts of Armin. When did he get so creepy?

"Armin, we really need to work on controlling the radius of the explosions" Hange turned, watching the shorter boy. "I would love to get you to control how small or big we want it." Armin nodded along, knowing they had done work on this before. While he could control his explosions with transforming, he found it difficult to submit it to a smaller radius compared to a larger one. More work on this in a safe, controlled environment would be effective. With Jean there, he found himself believing it could be more effective than he once thought. Jean's arms wrapped around his body, pulling him out of his titan. He stuttered slightly at the idea and immediately forced it away.

"I really want to have a nice controlled bomb by the end of this!" Hange smiled.

Armin stilled. His body became rigid and he couldn't even bring himself to have a thought. He felt like nothing, only a vessel. Bomb echoed in his mind over and over. It wouldn't go away. His head began to pound as his breathing turned shallow. He couldn't move.

Sparks slowly erupted around his palms. He couldn't stop it. Little, bright sparks bouncing around the hands placed at his sides. Armin still couldn't move, mind blank. The sparks continued to build up, starting to fall to the dusty ground beneath them.

"Arlert, your hands" Levi grunted out, watching as the sparks bundled around his hands and fell to his floor. The same sparks that released at his titan transformations. He looked around, seeing his comrades still training. A transformation right now would be worst case scenario.

It seemed as though Armin couldn't even hear Levi. He stared straight ahead, breathing harder all of a sudden. It seemed that he lost all control.

The sparks grew now, a yellow tint around the hands at Armin's sides. Levi rubbed his face with his hand, "kid, calm down" though it once again fell on deaf ears.

"Armin, what's wrong?" Mikasa asked, panic setting in her face. Armin still remained lifeless, staring ahead. At this moment, Jean noticed something different.

"Armin... your eyes" he gasped, watching as the bright blue in his eyes shifted to becoming a deep, dark blue. The type of blue he imagined at the bottom of the ocean, one of the night sky before it became pitch black. His eyes were now this pulsing dark blue and the brightness disappeared. Jean had seen this color before, but he couldn't quite place where.

At this point, a cloud of sparks were glowing around his hands. Sparks began to erupt from the nape of Armin's neck, flying around the shorter hair Armin now possessed. Levi grew worried at this, nothing was ending this. He had to end it.

"Fucking cut it out, kid" Levi barked. Still nothing. In one quick motion, Armin fell flat on the ground as Levi pulled back his fist. A red splotch was pasted on Armin's cheek. As much as Levi respected the kid, this was out of hand. Mikasa gasped, raising her hand to her mouth as she watched her friend crash to the ground.

Armin slowly blinked, moving his head around. Jean saw as the dark blue seeped away, leaving only the bright, sea colored familiar eyes staring ahead. The sparks halted as well.

"Did you want to kill us!" Connie laughed, staring at Armin's confused face on the ground. His hand was brought up to his cheek, still glancing around the group. It almost appeared as though he had no idea what just happened.

"Armin, what was that?" Hange asked, crouching down. She understood if he felt out of control, this was a lot to talk about, especially after the destruction at the port. The stillness, it could be a panic attack, sure, Armin was prone to that. But the eyes, that was a factor Hange couldn't explain. Everyone saw as they shifted color, before turning normal once again.

"I... uh... did someone just punch me?" Armin watched as concerned faces peered down at him. Levi folded his arms, though he didn't look upset, only worried.

"What was that, Armin" Hange asked again, hoping to hear some sort of clarification. Armin only stared back in confusion. He truly did not know what they were talking about. One moment, they were talking about his control radius of explosions, the next he was collecting dust on the ground. His cheek throbbed and he thought he could have almost witnessed Levi pulling back his arm.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Commander" Armin replied. He looked so small sitting there. So confused. Lost. Like he had lost out on moments of his life once again.

"You got all sparky, even your eyes changed color, I can't explain it" Hange muttered, taking a small notebook out from the back of their pocket and flipping through pages. "Yeah, no, never had that experience."

Armin furrowed his eyebrows, watching the dust settle around his form. Sparks? Colors? He had no clue what they were talking about.

"Speak up, kid. Why'd you just go all sparky on us" Levi cut in, tired of playing around the subject. He had to ensure the safety of the Scouts and wasn't about to let some crisis Armin was facing harm anyone. Except, Armin looked geniunely so unaware of what they were talking about.

"Armin... do you know what you did?" Mikasa gently met Armin at the ground, sitting with him. Armin shook his head, his hair fluttering around hsi eyes. Jean could have sworn he saw a tear about to slip from Armin's eyes. Normal eyes. That blue... where had he seen that blue?

"I don't, I don't think so. We were talking and suddenly I'm on the ground" Armin recalled, hand slowly leaving his cheek.

Hange looked mesmorized, if looking beyond the terror. It was the weirdest thing to happen and even they couldn't explain it. Hange wondered if it was a titan side effect to talking about transforming, but this terrority was never once faced. Even then, Armin was frozen, like a statue. He had no idea what people were saying until it got knocked out of him, literally.

"Went all quiet and sparky. Almost blew us all up" Levi was always one to put it blunt, not trying to beat around the bush. All Armin felt was immense guilt. He couldn't even understand what he had done and now he only felt as though he was a danger.

"I have to go. Safer for you all" Armin got up quickly and began to walk away, refusing to look up at anyone's eyes. His shoulders hunched over and his form retreated.

"Shouldn't we go after him? Figure out what happened?" Sasha ushered out, watching Armin get farther away from the group.

"Best to leave him for a bit. Armin didn't know what happened and I think this is more than we know." Hange replied. Jean could only nod in response because he struggled to understand why Armin had reacted like that. Maybe it truly was best he went and took time to lay down. Hopefully he'd get some rest. Granted, he would need to be nightmare-free for a good rest to occur but thankfully he had some medication that would hopefully work for once. Hange and Levi started to walk away.

Wait. Jean suddenly thought of Armin's deep blue eyes. The same deep blue as the serum loaded in his bag.

"Commander, Captain, wait!" Jean exclaimed, moving forward to catch up with the two. They paused and turned to meet him.

"We all saw his nose bleed recently that same deep blue as the color of this medicated serum he takes. Says it's for some damn nightmares, not that it works" Jean rushed out, trying to tell them what he knew to the best of his capability. It seemed like a long shot. It made no sense why this medication could cause Armin to almost transform and forget even doing it. "That color... his eyes turned deeper. Hell, maybe only I saw it." From behind him, he felt the others had joined.

"Jean's right. His eyes got really dark, shifting. The same color as that serum" Mikasa agreed quietly, seeming to be battling with what was going on. It made sense, Eren was gone and all she had was Armin and her protective instinct was kicking in. Wanted to get to the bottom of this. Wanted to ensure his safety.

"Anyone know the story of this serum?" Hange asked the group, only to met with quiet stares. "Alright then. We need to investigate this serum, figure it out. We'll know what is going on with it."

"Who the hell would give him some random serum?" Levi questioned. He knew what new dangerous serums could do to someone and this mystery serum could contain each answer. Why the kid trusted it blindly, well, Levi couldn't begin to know that. For Armin being as smart as he is, Levi was lost on why he blindly trusted using this.

"I don't know. He gave some story to us when his nose bled, but it seemed short." Connie said, looking at Sasha for reassurance.

"Yeah! Seemed like he didn't even really know what he meant" Sasha added. None of it added up, a mystery serum that had no good backstory. It was fishy.

"Well, we need to get that from him and test it. See what it is." Hange turned to Jean. "Jean, you need to get the medication for me, I'll work it on it quickly." Jean nodded in response while wondering why he had to be the one to obtain it. "We can't have a ticking explosion risking to go off any second. Someone needs to watch over him." Everyone turned to Mikasa. It was a given for her to look after him.

Levi piped up, "Jean, you watch the kid. Mikasa had to work with the others to strengthen their ODM and combat skills."

"What! I can do the same thing. She's Armin's best friend!" Jean justified. He wasn't a damn babysitter, he was a fighter. The thought of watching over Armin felt wrong, like Armin was weak and needed to be cared for. Not to mention, after the moments they had shared recently, Jean was nervous about what could happen with more fleeting interactions together. He didn't understand what he was feeling, but was hesitant to see it through.

"You'll do it, Kirstein" Levi finalized the plan before anyone else could protest as he turned and walked away.

Guess Jean was truly about to become a babysitter. Hopefully, not get blown up in the process by Armin's uncontrollable nature.

Chapter Text

Jean knocked slowly on the door, hearing no muffling on the other side. He cracked it open, feeling as though this was the same movements he made the other night as Armin had his nightmare. He peered inside the room, not wanting to scare Armin with his presence. He saw Armin's form crunched up on the bed, eyes blank as they stared straight ahead at the wall. His legs were tucked under his arms, pressed tightly against his chest. He looked so delicate, completely small.

"Armin?" Jean took a step in, alerting the blonde to him being there. Armin's eyes glanced over before training themselves back on the wall. Jean sighed, closing the door behind him and taking a few more steps inside.

"They sent you to check on me, right?" Armin scoffed, voice cracking a little as if he had been crying. In fact, he had been, as Jean took note of the redness lining his eyes and how puffy his eyelids had become.

"Yeah," Jean began, "but I really did want to check on you". Armin nodded as Jean made his way over to the bed, sitting on the corner of it. He made sure he was a bit away from Armin to keep space if desired. He couldn't explain why, but all Jean wanted to do was wrap his arms around Armin's curled body and tell him that everything would work out. That they could figure out what happened together. To take away any fuel to add to his screams at night. Jean shook this feeling off.

"What, make sure I don't blow up all the beds? The food in the kitchen?" Jean knew the spite in Armin's voice wasn't directed at him, but he couldn't help but be taken aback by this new side of Armin. Jean had seen him manipulate, sob, get excited, and more. He never saw such anger and distaste leave his mouth. Not even when talking about Eren's latest behaviors.

"To make sure you were okay, Armin." Jean watched as Armin's eyes planted themselves on his own. "I can't imagine what you are doing through," Jean looked down at his hands, feeling embarrassed at the emotion he was showing. "But I know it was scary. So again, I want to make sure you were okay." Jean could take the heat. He had for years with Eren, trying to prove himself to others. He couldn't sit there and let Armin tell him how he felt. He truly did care if Armin felt okay. Almost causing a bomb to go off at your own hands? Jean couldn't begin to understand how unpredictable that was and how much of an impact that could hold.

"I don't know what happened" Armin shook as he recounted the events. His arms squeezed tighter against his thighs, if that was even possible. It seemed as though the small body retreated into itself to become even smaller. The urge to hold him and keep him safe increased in Jean. "I was there one minute, talking about transforming. The next, I was on the ground with a sore jaw" Armin flinched slightly as he remembered the punch. The redness had gone away but Jean was sure that the feelings still remained.

"You just blacked out?" Jean questioned, trying to know the story from what Armin experienced. Armin nodded in response, movements sluggish against his shaking body. "You just went blank" Jean told him, trying to fill in the missing pieces. Armin looked confused at this, his eyebrows furrowing. "Like a statue." Jean finished, before opening his mouth once again. "A short statue of course". He suppressed a chuckle that begged for escape as Armin immediately rolled his eyes. Armin wanted to make a snide comment back at Jean, but a small joke in the middle of this uncertainty was... nice.

"We get it, Jean" Armin laughed, breaking any tension left over. "You are quite the tower."

Jean beamed happily, feeling pride that his joke helped to lessen the chaos. "You know, that's not the first time I've been told something about me is like a tower!"

It slipped out of his mouth on instinct, not even thinking about what he had said. His mouth hung open for a moment, shock registering. He could just hold the moment and feel the same pride for continuing a joke. Instead, the motification of what he said clicked. Did he really just mention his dick to Armin? He stared blankly at the boy, whose face had gone bright red. Except, out of the shock and terror Jean faced, Armin laughed.

"I'm sure they do, horse face." Armin continued to laugh, moving his legs away from his chest slowly as his hands covered his face. The shaking had ended in the turn of the conversation and he was content for once taht such seriousness was voided for a short amount of time.

"Hey! Only Eren called me that!" Jean piped up, looking offended. Armin giggled, shaking his head. Jean found himself to be laughing, ignoring the half-assed insult given his way.

"It's kinda true, Jean" Armin finally calmed down, his cheeks hurting from laughing so hard consistently. Jean dramatically threw his hand on top of heart, gasping loudly.

"You don't mean that, Arlert" Jean narrowed his eyes jokingly. He shook his head around, letting his longer hair fall over his ears and a few strands tickled his eyes. "I am the most handsome man around, even you have to admit that." Armin blushed a little, though the redness in his face from the laughing fit hid it for him.

Jean was... he really was attractive. Armin looked at the strands of hair framing his face, thinking about how growing it out made Jean look more mature. His hands had aged, calloused from years of being in the Scouts. His eyes were piercing and Armin could find himself staring at them all day. Gazing down slowly, Armin took note of his biceps. The way they looked in gear, in the uniform. Jean was toned, and sure, everyone knew that. Armin had never thought about running a finger along Jean's bicep until now. To see the definition hiding under his clothes, years of muscles toned from training and expeditions. Beyond that, his personality was drawing. He was a charming man, Armin could admit that. He made friends easily, if they ignored the subtle snide remarks and rudeness that Jean could express on the occasion. The flirting. It shocked Armin that girls hadn't been around Jean more often.

Jean paused at the slight silence in the air after his comment. Armin was only staring at him, no response present.

"Do you... you don't mean that right?" Jean asked, feeling insecure. He didn't know why he cared what Armin thought of his appearance. Jean never found himself doubting his looks. But the gentleness in Armin's face, to the delicate hands, his bright eyes that could make anyone want to adventure in them. His countless stories and every word that he says sounding perfect, with a lovely voice that Jean could listen to forever. Those lips.

Jean gulped. He was so royally fucked.

Armin sighed, "of course not, Jean", deciding to give up on the little remarks they had going back and forth. Armin found himself looking at Jean's lips for a moment too long.

Armin gulped. He was in deep shit.

Both boys sheepishly looked away from each other, the other having no idea that they were thinking the same thing. But they were friends, and they were not anything more. Jean was there to cheer up Armin, Armin was there because he almost killed Jean and everyone around them.

Yeah... the situation was bleak.

Jean thought of how touch starved he might be to look at Armin's lips hungerily. They were friends. Only friends.

The two continued to talk, both ignoring the blooming heat in their chests from personal realizations. Once it got later in the day, Jean left Armin to rest. He closed the door behind him, releasing a breathe he had no clue he was holding in. He swallowed aggressively before turning to head to his own room. Those damn eyes and face and just... Armin. Shit, did he have a crush on Armin?

Armin did the same as Jean left, releasing tension in his body he didn't know he had remaining. It was a nice break to have casual chats after what happened earlier. Armin had even forgotten about what occurred for a moment. He shut his eyes, turning on his side. Images of Jean flashed in his head as he thought about his hair, face, body, his funny jokes. Armin snapped his eyes open and froze. Shit, did he have a crush on Jean? He shook his head, putting his head back down and trying to banish any thought of Jean from his head.

Instead of the taller boy clouding his thoughts, Eren's long hair appeared, almost looking like it draped a shadow.

"See you in a few days, Armin. Don't forget our training..." Eren mused in Armin's dream. Armin fell asleep peacefully, having no memory of this as he woke up the next morning.

Chapter Text

Armin could feel the tension in the air as everyone tip-toed around him. Connie tried to make flashy jokes, but they fell flat as worry radiated off of him. Sasha quietly ate, which was something new for her. Jean sat stiffly next to him. Mikasa looked at Armin with tired eyes, watching him like a hawk to ensure that he was okay. He didn't want to see the Captain and Commander, who were sure to be fearful of when his next spark attack would be. Armin still didn't know what had caused it and how to prevent it for the future. It had never happened before, leading to his confusion on why it had occurred in the first place. It was not like any other transformation he had done. He didn't bite his tongue or slash his hand, he didn't feel his body preparing to transform. Everything just went blank.

He thought he could contribute the sparks to the conversation at hand. Talking about transforming and refining his skills on the radius of his blasts would be useful, yet from speaking of this before, he didn't go all sparky. Perhaps it was the pressure of everything going on, nightmares that he couldn't shake, new feelings arising that he tried his hardest to ignore. He tried to convince himself that this could be contributing to what happened, though it still remained a mystery.

He played with the bland food placed in front of him, poking it around the plate. Jean silently watched as he did this, as he himself was almost finished with his meal. Jean knew the shame Armin must be facing but hoped that he knew everyone was aware of the accident and didn't blame him.

"Eat" Jean whispered, trying to be discrete. Armin looked up at him sheepishly, pausing from moving the food around more. Jean held his gaze, watching as Armin's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Almost as if he didn't expect someone to be looking out for him. Before Jean might have let it go, but recently he felt much more protective of Armin, whose nature had completely changed since Marley. He felt more rigid, with rash decisions and moments in time he couldn't remember. It was odd behaviors like these that concerned Jean about what was going on in the younger boy's head, expect he didn't want to trouble him with asking.

"I'm not that hungry" Armin replied, looking down at the plate and seeing few bites taken from it. He knew it would be best to get energy up and eat, though the pit in his stomach filled him up.

Jean shrugged, looking away as there was nothing more to do to convince Armin to do something. Armin was many things and he knew when to be stubborn enough to get his way. Jean found it better to leave it be and let him learn the hard way. Even when something ached inside of him at the thought of Armin's lack of appetite. Jean caught Mikasa's eyes that were watching intently at the conversation that occurred. She almost seemed to smile slightly, perhaps appreciating the effort Jean was putting in to get Armin to eat. She sent a small nod towards Jean, where he reciprocated the action before looking down at his own plate again.

As steps walked up to the table, Levi stood impatiently with his arms crossed. While his body remained stiff, his face gave him away. His eyes were soft and his eyebrows were drawn down. It was evident that he cared about what was going on, even if part of him didn't want to show it. "Commander Hange wants to speak with you" he directed at Armin, who immediately tensed his shoulders. Armin nodded in response before slowly getting up from the table. He gazed over at Mikasa, who gave him an encouraging nod as he turned and followed Levi out of the room. Jean turned and watched as he went, before his attention was grabbed elsewhere.

"He's been tense since Marley" Mikasa quietly said to the table. Connie and Sasha's conversation ended abruptly, turning to watch Mikasa. "He doesn't even seem the same", she glanced down at her own food as she met Jean's eyes. Jean saw her eyes slightly glaze over before she blinked it all away.

"What happened there?" Sasha piped up, her eyes drifting over to Mikasa. Mikasa only shook her head.

"Eren wanted him, changed the whole plan. We didn't capture Zeke as he escaped Levi and Armin just... disappeared. Made his way back to us a long while later" Mikasa said, now herself poking around with her food. Jean's own mind started to race. She was right, of course she was right. Armin vanished and made his way back and immediately seemed different. He seemed clueless, usually more aware of what happened. He kept everything short, when all the kid knew to do was talk. What had he done?

"Seems pretty normal to me" Connie said with a mouthful of food, earning him a punch in the shoulder by Sasha.

"Yeah because almost blowing us up with his titan really screams normal, Con" Sasha replied, stealing some berries from Connie's plate. Connie immediately shot his hand out to Sasha's plate but she blocked his hands as if her life depended on it. They continued to yell at each other as Sasha fought off his rebounded attack. Rolling his eyes, Jean looked back at Mikasa.

"The other night, we were talking," Jean paused, trying to remember the conversation. "Nightmares, I don't know, doesn't matter" he continued as he felt a small blush slowly creep up his cheeks at telling Mikasa about him comforting Armin after he had a nightmare. It wasn't embarrassing and Jean knew the countless times Eren had done it for Armin in the beginning days of training. Moving to Armin's bunk and whispering late at night that his dreams weren't real. Crawling into bed with him. Jean found it weird to wake up and see the two boys huddled together, that was until he had nightmares of his own. He would wish he had someone to tell him that it wasn't real, lay with him to silence his screams. Unfortunately, the one person he thought of to do that was the main character in his nightmares anyway. "But, uh, he or I said something, some words, and he just left. Got all quiet, seemed angry and walked out. I don't know why."

Mikasa watched intently, chewing on her lip. Jean didn't even care to lower his gaze to watch it as he would have before. They weren't the same lips that had been on his mind the last few days. "He's probably just shaken up from blowing the port" Sasha adds in, her drip tight against Connie's wrist as he flails it around. Jean nods in agreement, "He is. I just know there's more, you know?" He stared at Mikasa, hoping that she would agree with him. Armin never just up and left, was never this short. Maybe it was the port, but it seemed so much more.

"What set him off?" Mikasa questioned Jean, bringing his attention back to what he had just said. Jean shook his head, scratching at the hoose ends of hair that drifted just below his ears. "We were just talking. It was like a switch flipped and he turned all angry." Jean could see Mikasa trying to work it all out in her head, but like everyone else, the confusion only led to drawing more blanks.

"Don't tell him," Jean began, lowering his voice and leaning over the table slightly more so that the two idiots fighting next to him wouldn't hear. "Best guess-it's that medication he takes. Hell, we all saw that bloody nose!" Jean paused thinking back to that night again. "Says it is for nightmares, but it doesn't seem to do shit."

"You think it's messing with him?" Mikasa asked, looking over at the two arguing a few times to ensure their attention was elsewhere. Obviously, it wouldn't matter if they had heard what they were talking about. But if Jean had wanted it between them, she found it best to respect it.

"I don't know, man." Jean rubbed his chin, watching the other Scouts talking happily, eating away. They truly had no idea what was to come. He did find it somewhat fulfilling to see at least some of them could be enjoying their impending doom. "It's like he flips from one personality to the next sometimes. This didn't happen until he started taking that blue shit."

"I don't know, Jean." Mikasa sighed, looking back down at her hands. Jean could tell she wanted the best for Armin, as she battled with what was right, what the facts were, and how much of all of this they were just assuming together. "We'll just wait, a doctor gave it to him. For the best, right?" She nodded slightly to herself, almost as if convincing herself that was the best solution. "We'll wait for Eren and see what he wants to do. Maybe we can ask Armin about that doctor, learn more. Best to not assume" She finished, returning to eating her food and no longer picking at it. Jean only shrugged in response, understanding what she meant. They were just assuming everything. Maybe Armin was simply growing up, the demons of his past coming to eat up at him. Maybe this is just how he is now. A part of Jean fought it, wanting to know more, yet he knew there wasn't much to be done.

Jean groaned, shoveling a few berries off of his plate onto Connie's. "Quit it, will you?" He barked out, watching as the two paused before smiling at him and returning to their own food. Jean rolled his eyes at them for acting like children while suppressing a chuckle at the nature of his friends. He felt a body brush beside him as he turned, expecting to be met with short, cropped blonde hair under his eyes. Instead, he was met with the face of Floch under auburn hair. Jean immedately fought the urge to huff out and roll his eyes. Floch flashed a grin at the taller man.

"Where'd the titan toy go?" He gleefully asked, smirking as he finished talking. Jean caught Mikasa's tense form out of the corner of his eye, her hand gripping her fork tighter. Jean wished he could respect Floch, but after all he had done to push Eren's agenda and constant remarks bashing Armin, it remained difficult to be in his presence. "Commander wanted him." Jean spat out, trying his best to not sound annoyed. Floch laughed a little too dramatically, putting a hand on his stomach. Jean resisted the urge to smack him.

"Guess they finally want to talk about their mistakes!" Floch laughed.

"Will you ever shut up, Floch?" Connie mused, flashing a grin back at him. Jean felt a flash of pride that Connie was sticking up for their friend, yet an ounce of shame crept up into him, knowing it should have been him.

"Connie... you can't tell me you don't agree that at least Commander Smith would have known what to do here, instead of waiting for these letters like a bunch of cattle waiting to be slaughtered." Floch remained smiling, as if he knew he was striking nerves amongst the table. They had all grown up with Armin, fought with him. Wanted him saved. It was a terrible situation, and Levi had determined the outcome. Why couldn't Floch just give it up?

"Armin's smart. We need Armin." Mikasa sternly replied, trying her best to stay calm.

"You would say that," Floch turned, staring her down. She held his gaze strongly, barely blinking as her clutched fist rested on the table. "Sobbing over his charred little body. Screaming for Levi to pick him." Floch looked away, disgust clear on his face.

"Wrong damn choice, picking that short-ass kid with half a brain over the smartest, bravest devil the Scouts have ever seen!" Floch roared, his voice heightening with each word. Jean flinched. Half a brain? If he serious?

"Shut the fuck up, Floch. Half a brain and we almost thought you were talking about yourself!" Jean spat back, narrowing his eyes on the redhead. Floch sneered, whipping his head to stare at Jean. He chuckled, "Yeah, okay, Kirstein. At least I knew who the right pick was, instead of some useless one."

Heat vibrated through Jean's body. Not only was Floch disrepescting his comrade, but it was Armin. The most hopeful, dreaming boy Jean had met. The one who could create change through a few words, seeing the best in everyone, hoping to find the best things even beyond the walls. Armin was one of the best of them, and he didn't ask to be saved. Hell, he couldn't even talk.

"Armin sacrificed everything to save us all that day. Don't talk about shit you don't know Floch, you know nothing of sacrifice for your comrades." Jean argued, his leg bouncing up and down beneath the table. He wanted to punch him. Wanted to do anything to shut up Floch.

"I don't know anything about sacrifice?" Floch laughed again, shaking his head. "Erwin gave up everything to fight the Beast. This dude you guys now are told to trust. You didn't see the bodies lining the ground, Jean. Erwin pushed through... Armin... what has he done? We needed that devil, and now we all are going to fight to die while trying to save the only sane motherfucker we have left, who by the way, has fucked off to Marley!" Floch raised his eyebrows, anticipating another remark back from Jean's mouth about the topic. Jean had felt so much rage over the matter he barely felt the warmth radiating off of a body behind him.

Mikasa's eyes shot up above Floch and Jean's heads, softening immediately. Jean knew before he even had to turn around. Armin was behind him... and there was no way he didn't hear most of it.

Armin cleared his throat quietly, as Floch turned in his seat. Floch's grin remained strong on his face as he met the shorter boy's eyes. "Isn't it the man of the hour!" He made no moves to get up, even as Armin impatiently shifted on his feet waiting for his seat back.

"You are in Armin's spot." Sasha told Floch, crossing her arms. Like Mikasa, her gaze held strong on the back of Floch's head as he looked Armin up and down.

"I'm sorry, Braus, we were just about to have a conversation!" Armin chewed at his bottom lip as Floch finished speaking. Jean could tell he was nervous and looked as though he wanted to crawl into a hole and never go through this again.

"Get up, asshole." Jean mumbled, watching as Armin broke Floch's gaze and watched the floor as if it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen. Jean wanted to get up, take his body into his arms. He wanted to hold him and tell him that Floch was an idiot and that all of them were thankful he was still there. That he, himself, had never doubted the decision for a moment and to praise that brillant mind of Armin's until he believed Jean's words. He wanted to do anything for the blonde that would prove that he was cared for. That he deserved a spot at this table, as himself, not as that charred body barely clinging to life on top of a roof.

Floch sighed, looking over at Mikasa, whose knuckles had gone white. He threw his hands up in surrender as he slowly began to sit up from the table. "Whatever, guys. We all know I'm right anyway." Floch stood beside the table, a few paces behind from where Armin's timid body was standing. He stared down at Armin, who still refused to stare up. As Floch began to move away, a voice whispered out.

"You are..." Armin said, as he brought his hands together to play with each other. He cleared his throat once again. He looked up, meeting Floch's eyes and ignoring the stares from his friends at the table. "You're right, Floch. It shouldn't have been me. But it is. Better to live with that than to continue harassing my friends about something only few had control over." Jean could almost see as the anxiety left Armin's body, replaced by a collected calmness. He could almost see splashes of anger in his eyes, though they would leave as soon as Jean thought he saw them.

Floch placed his hands on his hips, before gesturing over to the table. "See guys! Maybe half a brain over here does get it! Should have been Erwin!" Floch winked over at Mikasa, who looked as those she was opposing every fiber of her being to not attack him.

"Commander Erwin was a brave soldier, and an insanely capable Commander. I hope I can do what I can to fulfill his shoes as I carry this legacy." Armin said, trying his best to be diplomatic. Jean suppressed a small smile at how even in the rage he knew Armin felt towards the comments he overheard, he still was trying to create peace. They were comrades after all, and having bad blood between them wouldn't do anyone a favor. Immediately though, Floch's grins dropped and he sneered.

"Legacy, Arlert? You know nothing of his legacy..." Floch stepped slightly closer to Armin as he clenched his own fist. "If we are these... these devils, then Erwin was the best Island Devil we ever could have had, you are nothing compared to him."

Suddenly, a flip switched. It happened so fast, Jean almost missed it. But he didn't. Just like the sparks, Jean saw the dark blue quickly fill Armin's eyes, replacing the lighter one. His eyes grew dark and heavy and the softness of his face hardened. With a quick motion, Armin drew up his hands, filling his fists with Floch's shirt. With a strength greater than Jean had seen, Armin threw Floch's body against a nearby wall, placing his face inches from the redheads.

"Don't you dare fucking call us that!" Armin screamed out, the room slowly drawing quiet as numerous Scouts turned to watch the scene unfold. Armin withdrew one of his hands from Floch's shirt and quickly planted it on Floch's face, his head being forced to the side. Jean could only stare in shock.

Armin felt rage and hatred flow through his body. He only saw red. He wanted Floch to eat every punch he threw like they were his words, not feeling anything but numbness in his hands as he laid another punch. Floch sputtered out red before his body kicked into gear, almost realizing what was going on. As he thrashed his legs, Armin's grip grew stronger. Floch never knew the shorter man was this strong, as Floch towered over him standing up. Armin, the kid who got thrown around during training and looked like he couldn't throw a punch. Now, he seemingly could. And that he did, over and over, leaving blood streaming down Floch's nose and out the side of his mouth. Armin felt so much power pulsing through him, he couldn't stop.

Jean quickly scrambled up, with Connie following behind him. As he raced over to the two boys, he caught a glimpse of Mikasa's face, who was staring in complete shock, frozen as she watched her best friend continue to throw punches at his target. Floch's lower face was stained red as Connie and Jean gripped Armin's arms and shoulders, trying to stop him.

Armin continued to yell frantically at Floch, telling him that he was wrong, how he wasn't nothing, how he shouldn't have called them all Island Devils. Jean had never seen Armin have such power, even in his titan form, standing 60 feet tall.

Connie and Jean pulled aggressively against Armin to separate the boys, though it seemed as though Armin suddenly weighed countless tons. Finally, grunting out and pushing against the floor, Jean constrained Armin's arm that had been throwing punches. Jean saw the red stained knuckles of Armin's hand, blood flowing down and staining the white long sleeve Armin had on. Floch's face looked even worse, as he gurgled blood and spit it out from his mouth as Connie finally pushed Armin back. The two boys wrangled Armin's arms tightly as the blonde continued to fight against them. It took all the power the two had to constrain Armin.

Floch's body slid down the wall, his eyes glazed over and looking as though he was stuck in a daze. Armin growled, thrusting his leg out to kick Floch's stomach as he made his way to the ground. Connie and Jean shared a shocked glance before quickly both pushing Armin's fighting form, throwing him down to the ground. He looked up like a rabid animal, his eyes wild and still a deep shade of blue. He had a sly grin coat his face as he stared at Floch's sputtering form. He glanced down at his blood-stained hand before slowly getting off of the ground.

Blood continued to race out from his cut knuckles, the skin having ripped apart so easily with the force of the punches he threw. Jean watched in horror as the blonde stood to his feet, still staring at his hand. He looked up at Jean then, still with that little grin. Jean could only stare in shock as the deep blue in Armin's eyes swam around the room before looking back at Jean. Armin stood over Floch's body, before releasing a chuckle.

Armin stepped back, feeling all eyes in the room on his back as he watched the body against the wall. The rage within him subsided slightly, though continued to feel as though he was on fire. Like he could have continued throwing more punches and kicks and never stop. Straightening his shoulders, he turned back around, stared straight at Jean's gaping mouth and worried eyes before letting out a breathy laugh. Armin laughed a little harder as he watched steam begin to erupt from the split skin on his hand. Slowly, more steam came up out of his hand as fibers began to rework their way to connect the skin back together. In a short time, it would be as though this had never happened. It filled him with joy that the same couldn't be said for Floch's face, where no steam worked to indicate healing. Where the bruising would soon form and his nose would remain crooked. Where the flesh of his mouth would take time to heal. Armin felt immense pleasure in this fact.

With a shrug directed straight at Jean, Armin let out another chuckle, before stepping away and walking toward the exit of the room, ignoring the shock and silence that crowded the once loud hall full of Scouts.

Jean felt his hands shaking, staring down at Floch's beatened face. He was breathing, he was fine. Maybe a broken nose, a destroyed mouth. All from Armin.

With a turn of his body, Jean shakily let out a breath of air he had no idea he was holding in. He didn't dare look at the fear on the faces of his comrades. He didn't want to see the shock left on Mikasa's.

Glancing at Connie's widen eyes, Jean pinched his nose, "still think he seems pretty normal, Connie?"

Chapter Text

Armin stalked off to his room. The bed was tidily made, no clothes scattered the ground, neat piles of paperwork littered his desk. The room was so tidy and it made his skin crawl. The steam from his knuckles swirled up his arm as the blood had stopped flowing. The gashes were almost closed up, needing a little more time to completely heal. He found himself grazing his knuckles with the fingers on his other hand, still amazed sometimes at how magical it was that his body would heal itself like nothing had happened. It was something so powerful, he was powerful. Nothing could stop him - he was a massive titan. He grinned to himself at the thought.

He ran his hand through his hair as he felt the shorter ends at the base of his neck. He looked in the mirror, gazing into his deep blue eyes. He had never felt freedom more than he did in this moment. Radiating complete energy that could take on anything right now. The blood staining the ends of the white sleeves were a reminder of his own strength. It felt new... this rage inside something that he had never felt before. He never wanted it to end. He slowly unbuttoned his shirt, leaving the middle open as he untucked it from his uniform pants. The mirror reflected his smooth skin, exposed from the opening of the shirt. He was toned, his abs sneaking through and leading to a dip at the end of his torso. While not necessarily massive, he was proud of his body. Countless hours of military training, building a railroad recently, hard work led to results. He remembered feeling so small when he was younger, so incredibly weak. He grimaced at the memories, fighting back at bullies with only words. Needing Eren and Mikasa to protect him. Not anymore. Staring at the blood stained sleeve, he smirked as he saw what his true power could do to someone.

A timid knock on the door took him away from watching his reflection in the mirror. He sighed, slowly moving over to open the door, disregarding the fact that he was slightly indisposed with his shirt unbuttoned. The door cracked open, revealing the taller figure of Jean on the other side. Armin looked up at him, seeing concern and... what was that? Apprehension glowed in Jean's eyes, as if he was fearful to even knock on Armin's door. Jean gave Armin a low smile, though it couldn't even manage to meet his eyes.

"Jean!" Armin grinned, opening the door wider. "What can I do for you!" Armin took a few steps back, hinting to Jean that he was free to come in if he wanted. Jean gulped, eyes dropping to the red sleeve above Armin's hand, which was still producing small lines of steam as his skin repaired. His eyes moved from the crimson color to flesh. Exposed flesh. Collarbones peaking out of the shirt, the protrusion of skin and bone, looking so delicate. The lines beneath, jutting in and back out as muscles painted underneath the skin. Reaching down to the bottom, where lines dipped downward, hinting at would be lower. Jean almost allowed himself to gasp, yet held it in with a bite of his lip.

Jean knew he was more muscular compared to Armin, taller, assumingely stronger. But the definition on the shorter's torso left Jean aching to reach out and graze his skin. To feel each and every dip and divot. He thought it best to leave his hands at his side, even if he felt an urge to do so.

"I, uh..." Jean drawled on, eyes still locked onto Armin's body. He suddenly snapped out of his, drifting his eyes back upward. Armin smirked at Jean, a small quirk of his eyebrow shooting up. Jean's cheeks flamed, redness splotching his tanned skin. He rose his hand to the back of his neck, shifting his eyes away from Armin's cocky grin and looked to the open doorway. "I wanted to see how you were doing."

Armin chuckled, walking over to the bed, "you've been doing that a lot recently, Jean." Jean found himself pausing before entering the room, closing the door behind him. He felt tension build in his shoulders and secretly, he was nervous to be Armin's next punching bag.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever" Jean mused, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Armin's eyes still were a deep color like the serum he took and Jean wondered if maybe it was a lighting difference that caused the color change. It made more sense to justify the changes that way. Not to compare it to some ridiculous theory that Jean couldn't back up even if part of his gut was screaming at him to continue considering the thought. "I mean, shit, we all wanted to do that to Floch at some point," Jean huffed out a small laugh, thinking about his own desire to punch the redhead earlier. Let him eat up his own words and see some sort of consequences for running his mouth. "But... uh, don't you kinda think that was overkill?" Jean met Armin's back as his body was turned from him. He saw Armin make his way over to the closet, grabbing a new shirt. As Armin turned back around, he rose his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Got what he deserved. Simple as that." Armin began to shuffle the shirt off of his body, fragilely moving his own arms out of the sleeves. Jean blinked. Armin was topless, right in front of him. Each groove of his body glowed in the sunlight illuminating the room from the window. Jean felt his mouth grow dry. He had seen Armin shirtless countless times, in showers, changing in the bunks... but never like this. Like a grown man.

Jean nodded, eyes still scanning the glowing skin as Armin pulled a new shirt over his body and the ridges disappeared under the fresh cloth. "You know, Jean," Armin paused, staring up at his eyes. "You'd get a much better look taking a picture than all that staring you are doing." Jean could have sworn Armin winked at him as he said this. He stuttered, pulling on the hairs behind his ears as he glanced away once again. Caught. Why was he looking like that?

"I..." Jean stammered, watching his feet planted against the floor. He swallowed quickly, musing up a laugh inside of himself. "I know." He shuffled his brain for any kind of snide remark to make back at Armin, but it seemed that his brain had forgotten anything he knew. He had no idea how to respond to what Armin had said. That slight twinge of flirty nature, the abrupt confidence emitting off of his tone. Jean was the embodiment of confidence, he should be the one making clever statements, flirting easily as it came like a first nature to him. Everything fell flat, seemed wrong. He didn't know what to do.

Armin simply laughed at him, before sitting down in the chair at the desk. His chin rested on his fist, now completely healed as though he didn't punch someone repeatedly only moment beforehand. Sometimes, Armin found himself wishing that his scars remained, memories of what his true power could cause. He watched Jean's flustered form as he motioned over to the bed. Jean followed the motion as he felt his feet drag him to the bed.

"Look," Armin began, raising his head up from his hand. "I'm just, I don't know..." He drawled out, looking at the fresh skin along his knuckles. "I'm tired of Floch and half our comrades thinking I was some weak charity case that got saved. Levi picked me for a reason. I'm a fighter, all I did was prove it to him." He felt his own confidence swell in his belly, sparks of heat still radiating against his skin. He welcomed the warmth and let it pulse around his head, down to his feet, finding comfort in it.

"I get it, I really do... He's been due that for a long time." Jean agreed, staring into Armin's eyes. He couldn't shake the uneasy feeling inside of him at this newly emerging version of Armin. He was always a pacifist, using his words to navigate situations. Since when did he resort to violence to prove a point? He was a master manipulator with words and these actions were anything but the boy he grew to know.

"Honestly, it felt good," Armin softly spoke, beginning to rub his knuckles once again. "It felt good to prove it. Everyone knows Mikasa and Eren always had to protect me. From bullies, people stronger than me." Jean listened intently, hoping for any explanation that would excuse why Armin did what he did. "It wasn't scary. I wasn't... afraid. I just let the strength inside of me do something for once, and well... it felt so good." He whispered, almost as if he was sharing a deep, dark secret with Jean. For a moment, it felt like the Armin he knew. The gentleness in his tone, exposing true feelings. Jean felt his shoulders drop, tension escaping his body. He felt silly thinking Armin was going to hurt him.

"I've always been the weak one," Jean opened his mouth to argue before Armin shot a stern look at him. He closed his mouth quickly as Armin continued, "remember when I shot that girl, killed her, right in front of my eyes..." Armin felt his eyes glass over with tears that he refused to let escape. "I killed her to save you. And all I felt was... immense guilt." His voice waivered as he recounted the story, remembering the feeling of regret as soon as he watched her lifeless body fall over at the hands of a bullet Armin sent through her.

"You saved me, Armin." Jean softly told him, watching as tears threatened to escape from Armin's eyes. Jean jumped a little as he saw that Armin's left eye had slowly retreated back to the normal, lighter blue color. The other eye remained a deep, dark blue. He shook his head, blinking a few times, before opening his eyes to seeing the same thing. Maybe it was the lighting, hitting the other eye differently to generate this deeper color. It wasn't his real eye. Only the lighting.

"I know... I know. But I took a life. And I felt so much pain for continuing to breathe as her world ended. But... I felt strong," Armin stopped rubbing his knuckles, taking a deep breathe. "It was like defeating a bully. And... that's what it felt like now. Punching him, it was proving that I am not weak... that we aren't to Marley, to him, just, to everyone, I guess." A single tear dropped from his left eye, the lighter blue glazed over by wetness. He shot his hand up to wipe at the tear, embarrassed that one had managed to fall. Jean didn't know why, but it had looked like his right eye that stayed deep and dark, had not been driven to tears at all.

Jean's chest swelled at the confession. While not completely innocent, the vulnerability shared with him had left his chest feeling warm. "You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, Armin." Jean told him, meaning every word. He gave a lighthearted grin. "Your words, your heart, your dreams... you truly are the best of us, and I'm sorry if we don't tell you enough." Another tear dripped down Armin's cheek. Jean shifted, raising his finger up. With a small touch, Jean grazed his thumb against Armin's cheek. He wiped the tear away, leaving a small streak of wetness against the trail his thumb took. Armin's eyes met Jean's, surprise clouding them. Jean's finger felt so cool against his own warm skin. His skin felt hard, rough from all his training and experience from being in the Scouts. Jean could only think about the plushness of Armin's cheek against his thumb, the heat radiating from his skin. The redness as it crept up Armin's face, the blush deepening as Jean waited a few more seconds until he drew his thumb away.

"We do all this training, and sometimes when I beat someone when sparing, I feel strong," Jean shrugged, his body still shifted closer to Armin's as he leaned further away from the bed. "But honestly, I never felt stronger than instructing the new recruits." He laughed a little, grinning, "yeah, they really suck sometimes. Fall on their asses too much, get dirt all over themselves that then I have to clean up because of the Captain's weird cleaning obsession, which-" he turned, deep in thought. He glanced back at Armin, "we really should confront him over. Like... just work through your cleaning problem, dude. Anyway..." He shook his head, almost needing to remind himself of the point of what he was saying. "It's fulfilling, you know? Nice to know that I'm trusted to help them, but to see what my own skills truly can contribute to the Scouts, and I guess that's kinda dumb, but, shit, it's just nice to know I'm useful... that makes me feel strong." He nodded as he finished, happy to have shared something so deep with Armin. Granted, Sasha and Connie always heard about how his training days went with their younger comrades. Beneath all the jokes and complaints Jean had about them, watching them grow from his leadership left pride deep within him.

Armin flashed him a small smile, agreeing that it was wonderful that his own power could help others in such a way. Armin got up from the desk chair, moving to the bed where he planted himself next to Jean, before leaning back and laying against the bed. He placed his hands over his stomach as he stared up at the ceiling.

"I really do miss Commander Erwin." Armin murmured, watching the shadows move in and out from clouds outside blocking the sun for a few moments before it resurfaced. "He always knew what to do. Now, I feel like I have to live up to this gigantic legacy he built up. Walk in his shoes, be a better version of him. Sometimes, I worry I can't do it." Jean felt his heart drop. There were times that even he felt inferior. He wasn't a titan, couldn't heal as Armin had just done, wasn't always the smartest in the room, even got clammy when put in charge at times. It broke his heart a little bit to hear that Armin felt that he wasn't good enough to be picked over Erwin.

"You don't" Jean disputed, laying down next to Armin. He began to also watch as the shadows moved across the ceiling. "You build your own legacy. Like you said, you were picked for a reason. It's time you believe it and you build your own future, following your own legacy."

Armin turned, planting his elbow against the bed as he rose up a little. He watched the rise and fall of Jean's chest as he breathed in and out. "Thanks, Jean." He whispered, trying once more to not let the swell of tears in his eyes escape. It was nice... feeling wanted. That the choices made weren't a curse, but an opportunity. A time to build his own legacy and help the Scouts with his power. With a turn of his head, curiosities grew as Jean continued to see the contrast between Armin's eyes. It had to mean something right? The swirls of light trying to beat out the deep pool on the other side.

"I..." Jean felt his voice crack a little, sighing. "I miss Marco a lot." He finished, moving his hand to place it under his head. The beat in his chest grew as he felt his heart speed up. Imagines of Marco's hopeful face flashed in his mind. The soft brown eyes. The sweet freckles plastered along his nose and cheeks. The subtle movements of his hair shifting in the wind.

"He's kinda like you, Armin." Jean turned his head, looking at Armin's propped up form. "You two... always so hopeful. Dreamers. Finding the best in others. Bringing everyone up." Armin blushed, the compliment settling in his mind. As the clouds disappeared from the sky, no shadows moved. The rays danced against the ceiling, finding their own beat in the wind.

"He was a good man. Deserved more than he got." Armin spoke lightly, his eyes stuck on Jean's own. It was evident Jean and Marco were close and Armin almost felt hopeful knowing that Jean cared about him like he did him.

Jean hummed in agreement, turning back to watch the ceiling make a dance of light. Armin laid back down, doing the same. The air felt calm as they laid down beside each other. Their hands against their sides, inches apart. Jean felt a fleeting moment where he desired to graze his hand against Armin's, to feel the soft skin, though he ignored it. Armin took a deep breath, the warmth in his body leveling out and lessening. The two just laid in silence in the comfort of the other's company, letting the dancing of light amuse their eyes.

It was soon interrupted as the door slammed open. A pair of feet were stationed close to the door, a hand outstretched as the wood crashed against the wall behind it. Levi stood with his eyes narrowed and his face beat red. He stormed into the room, just as Jean quickly moved off of the bed and stared sheepishly at his own feet. Armin only continued to watch the lights up above.

"Arlert, what the hell did you do!" Levi snapped, pacing near the blonde. Armin chuckled in the same nature he had when fleeing the scene earlier as he moved to let his legs dangle off the bed. With a quick glance, Jean was amazed to see that both eyes were the deep blue now, the lightness in one eye being overtaken by a puddle of dark hues. It was becoming harder to convince the fact that the lighting in the room changed so much and so drastically to alter the appearance of such familiar eyes.

"Captain, you can't tell me you never wanted to smash the face in of any of us." Armin mused, kicking his feet back and forth. Levi squinted his eyes more and Jean gulped at his angered form. For such a small human being, Levi was one of the scariest people he had ever met. He never wanted to be on his bad side, especially if Levi was wearing ODM gear.

"Fuck, kid..." Levi huffed, crossing his arms. He looked Jean up and down disapprovingly as Jean couldn't even meet his eyes. Jean went to Armin's room to check in on him and figure out whatever was wrong with the kid. Instead, they spent the time having heart to hearts about what makes them feel good in times like this. He had never wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear more in his life. "He's an ass. Floch is a righteous, arrogant son of a bitch, but the last thing I need is you to beat a comrade to a pulp!" Levi threw his hands in the air, standing his ground. "Especially in front of the younger recruits, I mean, shit, Arlert. What a great message to send! Fight each other, not the enemy!"

Armin only grinned. He felt that familiar warmth building inside of him as he recalled each swing he delivered on Floch's face. "Look, he got what. he deserved. It won't happen again, I simply... lost control" Armin said as he stood from the bed. He walked to stand in front of Levi, though the two were almost the same height, he still was taller. Jean could hear the sarcasm dripping in his tone from the sentence and a anxious chill rolled through his body.

The two stared at each other as Levi sized Armin up. Their eyes were locked in, drawn and Jean didn't know who would break first. To his amazement, Levi only sighed before stepping away. With his back to the floor, Levi casted one more glance at Armin. "Don't do that shit again, kid. And..." with a quick upturn of his lip, "clean all that goddamn blood off of those walls before I have to see it again." Levi exited the room, though Jean could tell there was so much more he wanted to say. Had the Captain even noticed Armin's differing demeanor?

With a clap of hands, Armin turned around to face Jean. A grin still plastered on his face, "well, it looks like I am off for cleaning duty! Later, Jean." As he began walking to the doorway, he paused. Growing quiet, he looked at Jean with sincerity, "thanks for the talk. It really did cheer me up" and he left as Jean could only nod back. Running his hand through his hair, all Jean could think about were the changes in Armin's eyes and why they continued to shine dark for so long after. Checking outside in the hall, it was confirmed clear. Sneakily, he crept to the bag containing the blue serum. Tentatively, he contemplated what he was doing. Was it really rational to take medicine from a doctor? Something prescribed.

He shook his head to himself as he drew his outstretched hand away from the bag. Moving a pace back, he huffed out before reaching down and still one of the few vials of blue serum left. He tossed it around behind his hands, fiddling with the liquid. His heart pounded in his chest as if he was going to get caught any second. Finally, the blue vial was tucked away inside the safety of a pant pocket. He had to find Mikasa... and he had to do it fast.

Chapter Text

Armin walked down the halls with a pep in his step. The exhilaration of everything still running a high through him. He was a force of nature, inspecting his hand that looked like it had never had a simple scratch on it in his life.  It was vacant on his way back to the mess hall as he assumed everyone was out either in meetings or working on training. They had no idea when Eren was expected to come next and could only do so much to prepare. The thought of Eren coming back soon thrilled Armin. His childhood best friend would be returning and hopefully with a better plan in store compared to last time. Armin still found it difficult to think about events between exploding the port and returning home but contributed it to the stress of the battle itself. He made it back in one piece, better than some of his fellow comrades. He was thankful for that.

On the other hand, a part of Armin ached at the thought of Eren's return. It thrashed in his mind, screamed, pulsed to be let out. It was such a small part of him that he could easily ignore it, refusing to give in. He couldn't begin to explain the gut feeling of danger and why he felt it. Eren would never hurt them and Armin had no reason to fear him coming home. Yet, that part of him still quivered and wished to be let out, to do something.

All the power streaming inside of him, it was simple to not give in to this weakness. So, he didn't. He strode down the halls and even started to whistle a little as he did.

A door swung open in front of him as a small crowd of newer comrades rushed out. The wood smacked his face, throwing his body back a few steps. Crouching to the ground, cradling his head in his hands, the younger group in front of him only stared at him with... fear?

"I am so sorry, Armin! We didn't see you!" A freckled girl rushed out, face growing redder with each word. The boy next to her could hardly manage to close his open mouth as he watched Armin's folded form in shock.

Armin blinked through the pulsing pains in his forehead as he squinted up at him. A flash of red crowded his sight. He could see them... yet it looked like a dream. He gasped as pale faces were smeared with blood. Blood gushing out of the their mouths, ears, eyes, throats... a painting of pure red amongst their bodies.

"You were supposed to protect us, Armin." The boy whimpered, finally sighing as his head tilted to the side. Blood poured from gashes in his body and Armin opened up his mouth to scream. To call for help. He stumbled from his knees and rushed to the boy, clutching his shirt. He shook his limp body a few times, eyes wild as he scanned the paling body. He was already gone...

"Mr. Arlert? What... we're so sorry!" The boy uttered, his wide eyes staring at Armin's fists as if they were the last thing he'd see before he too met a fate like Floch. Armin paused, staring up at the boy who was no longer pale and bleeding. The boy casted a frightened glance to his friends who only shook their head in response, frozen solid as they predicted what would happen next to their friend.

"I... uh..." Armin could hardly breathe. The kids... they were all okay. No blood, no death. All the red had faded in an instant. Everything was fine.

He quickly released the grip on the boy's shirt, taking a few steps back. He ran a hand through his hair, taking a moment to rub his eyes and truly prove to himself that what he witnessed was only a fake scene. Was he going crazy?

"It's fine, I'm fine." Armin muttered out before moving swiftly past the group. His head still pounded as it felt like he took on thousands of punches. A shutter ran through his body at the imagine of complete terror locked into the eyes of his comrades. Predictably, from the titan he possesses that holds great power. He slumped over as he waded into a new hallway, resting against the wall. His breathing had become erratic and he could hardly think. All he saw was panic sketched on the faces. He was a monster. A monster capable of blowing up ports, killing thousands of people, shooting innocents, killing on his friend's orders.

With shaky hands, he stood back up and looked around. He couldn't even remember where he was going or what he had been doing. He questioned why he was in the hallway to begin with. He had left Hange's office, making his way back to the mess hall. Clearly, nobody was eating anymore as the recruits had left one of the supply rooms. The sun was even placed a bit higher in the sky, as he watched through the window, making out figures training in the grasses outside.

He grew cold with dread. He blinked tears back as he shuffled into an empty room, heart pounding and his vision becoming spotty.

It fell quicker than it was felt. A single drop, smacking against the ground. Armin could have sworn it echoed, though it made no sound at all. A deep blue drop scattered along the floor. Dreading the truth, a hand reached up and confirmed suspicions.

Blue liquid streamed from his nose and he quickly brushed it away with his hand. He could only stare at the splotch of blue sinking into his skin as he grew more uneasy.

It had happened again. He couldn't remember where he was, what he doing, how he got there.

He fell to the floor as echoes of a guttural scream filled the room.

--

The halls were eerily silent as Jean made his way around. Walking through the halls, he paused for a moment, thinking he had heard a noise from an animal outside. Pained, scared. The noise ended as soon as it began, the only noises coming from heavy footsteps as he made his way further to his desired destination. He was hoping to find Mikasa, show her what he had gathered... well, stolen... and where to go from there. There was no reasoning behind it beyond the fact of wanting to figure out if this new, mysterious medication was the source of behaviors that were unlike Armin. After checking her room that proved to be vacant, he headed outside to the training grounds.

The wind was faint, yet the soft breeze rustled his hair around. Voices chattered around him as he made his way to the gathering of bodies and hoped Mikasa was in the middle, showing off different training moves. He hesitated as he overheard conversations, turning solemn as he heard people talking about what had happened earlier with Armin. It wasn't a secret some of the newer recruits had grown to fear him a little. He controlled a massive titan, held immense power all unleashed at the tiniest gush of blood from opening his skin. While it was a great weapon to have on the side of Paradise, after years of fighting titans, people grew fearful. There was no telling if one day control would be lost. All hope was given to a man with powers they couldn't even begin to comprehend.

It hurt his heart a little to hear the timid voices speaking of the blood, the punches, the rage that all came from Armin. He was sweet, a kind soul who only hoped to see the crystal waters he had dreamed of. Jean never asked him how it felt to be in the sea for the first time, what it was like to feel the chilling waters cascade around him. Maybe he would ask later.

At the center of the group stood Mikasa, like he predicted. With a loud cough and a turn of his head, Mikasa told the younger recruits to work on sparring and walked over. Her eyes looked tired, dark circles poking out from under her eyes. Unpredictable letters from a man she grew to love would keep her up late, Jean knew it, but it was all left unsaid. He gripped the edges of his pocket containing the vile.

"I got it, the medication." He whispered, looking around to ensure that nobody was overhearing the conversation. Mikasa's eyes widened a little in surprise. "Don't ask!" He ushered quickly, working to try to dismiss the questions he already could see swirling in her head. With a huff, she hesitated.

"Take it to Hange, see what they think." With a turn of her head, she began walking back towards the training occurring. "Tell me about it later." she suggested as she returned to watching the kids fall to the ground in sparring. Jean rolled his eyes, wishing for more guidance. If he wanted to only take it to Hange without her knowing, he would have done it. Not only was he annoyed now, he had to basically return to where he had come from.

Groaning, he trudged back to find Hange's office, knowing they had to be in there during this time. With a subtle knock on the door and a muffled voice, he creaked the door open.

Papers scattered the desk unorganized. Different drawings and paintings lined the walls, depicting different features of titans, maps, and random objects Jean knew could only be science related. Cups lined extra spaces and half eaten meals laid untouched beside them. To a normal eye, it would have looked like a tornado had passed through the office and hadn't been touched in weeks. To Hange, this was an ideal workspace. Everything was where they wanted it to be, it was perfect.

Talking with Hange never made Jean anxious. He screamed confidence and years of praises on his leadership from his comrades only ignited that fire within him. Standing there, vial in pocket, he had never felt more uneasy.

"Commander Hange, I- uh..." He cringed as he stumbled over his words. A sentence had never been so difficult to produce. Hange only watched him, a curious gleam on their face.

"Is this about what happened with Armin earlier?" she laughed. Jean clamped his mouth together swiftly enough to clench his teeth, bumping against each other. Of course, if Levi knew about what happened, Hange did too.

"Look, Commander, he's..." Jean started, walking a little closer and drawing his arm out as if that would help him explain the situation. What could he say- Armin is going a little crazy and we don't know why? Armin is going through another late puberty (Jean will never forget when he shot up only a few inches and pouted almost daily about how his puberty didn't hit the same way as Eren, Connie's, or his) and acting like an asshole sometimes? Armin and I actually had some really great conversations lately and I am starting to get really confused on if he was flirting earlier but the way his abs looked in the sunlight- he yelled at himself internally. What the hell was he doing.

"Armin has been a little, well, strange since we left Marley." Hange noted, smirking at Jean's reaction. She watched his shoulders drop and could tell that his nerves were eased somewhat.

"Yes! Okay, great!" He clapped his hands together, feeling reassured that he was in fact, not crazy! That Armin had been acting differently and people were beginning to take notice. "Er..." He bit his lip, wondering if this crossed the line. "I thought so too. So I like, you know, theorized. You like theories so!" Jean spit out every word shakily, the brief relief of the situation evaporating quickly as it dawned on him how stupid it was to take this prescribed medication from a doctor. With an unimpressed look from Hange, Jean scratched at his neck and took a deep breath, "I took his medicine. And before you say it- I know. I'm crazy. But there has to be something, anything! Hange... please, just... take a look and we can see what the hell is wrong with him."

He considered feeling disgusted with himself. He was begging. Sure, he justified it with knowing it was for the better cause of fixing his friend. Shame came in many forms and begging his Commander to look at his newly obtained contraband left him queasy.

Hange placed a finger to their chin and nodded. "Yes, Mikasa and I had pulled these same conclusions already. Let me take a look." Jean felt defleated.

Mikasa had already brought this up? She entrusted him to deliver this stolen item that she had already brought attention to? So he was a mule. A freaking mule to distribute goods. Just great.

Swallowing his pride, the vial was removed from his pocket and exchanged to Hange. Immediately, Jean watched her stare intently at it, shaking it a few times, flipping it all around. To him, it was just this deep liquid. To Hange, it looked like it was the greatest discovery of something unknown.

"Look at you, Jean! Stealing some contraband, truly a bandit in disguise!" Hange grinned widely as Jean scratched the back of his head.

"It's not contraband!" He argued, hoping to defend his own honor for stealing the medicine.

Hange gave a pointed look, snickering, "that's what they all say when they steal something."

"It's not!"

"Okay... okay, sure, Jean." Hange laughed. 

"I don't know what is in that. It's for his nightmares, at least, what he says." Jean explained. He could have sworn he saw Hange open it and take a sniff. He couldn't smell anything coming from it and hoped that if it was something that Armin has been putting in his body... well it better not stink. Come to think of it, Armin didn't stink. It was shocking, considering from training to moving around for years having different battles, they are should smell like shit. Jean would be shocked if he even smelled good at all. Armin smelled sweet, maybe from a new soap they got when in Marley a while back with Eren. Sweet, almost like an ocean breeze with hints of pine. Accents of the woods and forests they had been in for years. He smelled of crisp mornings and Jean never really noticed that he knew what Armin smelled like. It made him wish Armin was here now, just to catch a hint of his scent and remember it once again. Jean shot his hand out as he saw Hange's tongue dart out and raise the vial close, screaming at Hange to stop. Hange could only stare back, tongue out, looking annoyed for a moment before they remembered the unknown nature of the liquid and slowly retreated their tongue back. "Right..." they mused, setting the vial down. With a pained sigh, Hange turned to Jean.

"I'd love to know what this magnificent little liquid is," Hange's eyes glowed at the sight of a new experiment.

"But...?"

"But we have training to do, working on Armin's titan. I still plan on going on that expedition to practice his explosions." It felt as though all the air was knocked out of Jean. That was it? A sniff, a goddamn sniff? That was all he got on answers to whatever this was?

"Hange-"

"Jean, he can do it." Hange said softly, watching Jean with a gaze he couldn't recognize. It was warm, like Hange knew that he cared for Armin, maybe even seeing beyond his built-up walls and discovering feelings he couldn't begin to understand right now.

"He isn't even himself right now!" Jean argued back, temper getting the best of him. Was it wise to fight with the Commander? Absolutely not. Jean would be scrubbing every toilet for decades if Levi heard his attitude. It wasn't intentional, to argue. The thought of Armin's fragile mind inside a massive titan, plaguing memories of being burnt to nothing, eating a man he once called his friend, trying to control all of those emotions while managing a blast radius? Jean didn't think he could handle it.

"I know, Jean." Hange's voice was hard and stern and Jean knew they weren't mad, but it was time to play Commander and no longer some scientist they had known for years. "Armin is a valuable asset for us and there's training to be done, tonight. Levi and I will watch over him and you can keep an eye out for any... odd behaviors."

Hange grinned, walking toward the door and beginning to exit. Jean huffed in annoyance yet felt a part of him that became giddy at knowing that he was going to be the one assisting Armin. Not Mikasa. Not Eren. Him.

With a gleeful glance back, Hange let out a small chuckle, "And hey! Maybe you two could even share a tent, Levi said we are missing some spares! Really do some... team bonding!" Jean could only groan internally as Hange walked into the hallway.

--

Armin paced in his room. The dancing light on the ceiling faded away, leaving only shadows to warp around. He went to Hange's, he went back to eat his meal, he was in the hallway. Presumably hours later.

Hours. Losing countless hours of time doing anything and he wouldn't know. With a life that held an expiration date, losing more time to the unknown was troubling. It was difficult to pinpoint the source. Perhaps trauma from his experience in Marley. Maybe newfound uncontrollable aspects of being a titan shifter. But in the years that had past since he devoured his comrade and became the Colossal, he had never experienced events such as this. Nor having witnessed Eren act like this either.

A soft knock at the door broke him from the racing thoughts playing in his mind. A glimpse in the mirror would have presented the fear on his face as to who would walk in, anxiously awaiting a scolding for something he can't recall or pity from those he held close. The door creaked open as Mikasa tip-toed in.

She gave a small smile, though Armin could tell how timid she was.

"How are you doing?" She questioned, sitting down on the edge of his bed and watching as he slowed his paces. He bit his lip, rubbing one hand with the other.

She was his best friend for years, was it safe to confide in his worries with her? Would Mikasa judge him... hate him for what has been happening?

"I'm fine-" He was interrupted by a pointed glare thrown his way, her eyes staring straight into his mind it felt like. She always could read him and Eren well, silently, yet consistently watching and taking note. She knew when Eren was having an off day, therefore it left Armin with little surprise that she could do the same for him.

"I... I don't know, Mikasa" Armin sat next to his friend, huffing as he craddled his head in his hands. Tears pooled in his eyes, threatening to drip down his cheeks. He blinked over and over yet it was no match as droplets cascaded down his skin anyway.

With a deep breath, he knew his answer moving forward.

"I can't remember things I have been doing" he croaked, voice cracking at the confession. Finally, it was said out loud. His heart ached at the concern written on Mikasa's face. Her hand reached out to hold the back of his head, thumb rubbing against the shorter locks. "It's these, I don't even know, like blips of time. Hours or minutes or seconds where I can't recall where I've been or what I had gotten up to doing." He sobbed harder as the reality of the situation continued to click.

"What's wrong with me, Mikasa?" He gazed into her eyes, cheeks damp from tears that persisted to fall. Her heart shattered in her chest at the raw agony Armin was in. It frightened her, to realize that moments of her life disappeared from memory. She truly had no idea what he was going through.

"Oh, Armin..." she whispered, wrapping her arms around him. His body shook against her, as gut-wrenching sobs left his mouth. Tears coated her sleeves, though she didn't care. It would wash away. He sniffled as he clutched her shirt with his hands, trying to best muffle his cries from any wanderers outside his room. She slowly pulled her hand through his hair, sitting patiently as she let him cry.

With a few sparse hiccups, she leaned back, taking his red cheeks into the palms of her hands. "Nothing, Armin. Nothing is wrong with you," her eyes tried to convince him that she meant every word, but the swelling and redness crowded the blues behind it, searching for any signs of distrust and hatred. "Whatever is going on, we will figure it out. Together, I promise."

"You won't disappear?" His voice was so weak, a tone incredibly gentle and full of worry. His cheeks felt on fire and she assumed it was the acquired titan that led to his newfound body heat. She wondered if he could even recall the days where he shivered from the cold, lips tinged with blue, and the tip of his nose painted red. With a light squeeze against his cheeks with her hands, she nodded.

"I promise. Together." Armin dipped his head back into her shoulder as more tears fell, breathing hard against her. The shaking subsided, leaving only hiccups, heavy breathing, and a collection of tears against her clothing to remain.

Mikasa wondered if this is what Eren did for Armin, in the years ago in the bunks. When girls and boys were separated and she would hear stories of Armin's nightmares that were aided by the comfort of Eren slipping into his bed. She liked to think he'd do it for her too. But... he isn't here. She is, and she will protect Armin with every fiber of her being.

As she continued to hug him, they jolted in surprise as the door sprung open. Levi strode in, looking unfazed by the crying. Mikasa caught a flash of distress in Levi's eyes, but it disappeared quickly.

"Arlert, we leave tonight for titan training. Pack up your shit," Mikasa felt as Armin's body tensed around her. She opened her mouth to protest him leaving, ready to beg for him to stay. Remain in her watchful eye, ensuring that this... issue... would not reappear. To keep him protected from the unknown dangers of himself. Levi's hand immediately shot up, "No, Mikasa. He's leaving, we'll watch the brat." She only could glare at Levi, upset that she was no invited to attend the training.

To pull him out, to make sure he was truly alright. She understood, the recruits needed training, badly. They were unprepared, unskilled, wobbly on their feet. They struggled to even walk along the dirt some days and wore out quickly. It was apparent her skills were needed elsewhere, yet the desire to tend to her friend in his troubling times screamed at her to go. She closed her mouth, losing the will to fight. She had to trust Levi and Commander Hange. They all had to trust someone right now.

"We'll get to that dry spot, practice your transformations tomorrow. Tents up tonight, you know the drill," Levi dragged on, staring intently as Armin's hands worked to wipe at his cheeks and attempt to hide the evidence of his tears. "Meet outside in a few, you'll be expected to rest up tonight."

With a swift turn, Levi glanced back at Armin, "Oh, and kid, please go clean up that bloody mess you made, will you? Damn eye sore it is, all over that newly mopped floor..." he muttered, closing the door behind him.

Armin let out a squeak that turned into a gasp, eyes wide. "Bl-huh? Blood...?" he stuttered, his hands shaking. Mikasa's face only paled in response as he choked back another sob threatening to surface.

Chapter Text

The grass was cool to the touch, the sun beaming down. The clouds moved slowly, Jean couldn't find the will to try to come up with any fictitious shapes within them. Dandelions sprouted over beat up ground, countless footsteps and flattened bodies from training mowing down the grass blades that begged to stand tall. The blue hues reminded him of Armin's eyes, natural eyes, without everything else going on.

"You leave today?" Connie questioned, running his hands along the greenery beneath him. Sasha smiled happily as she played with a couple of the sprouted flowers she picked. Jean nodded, still staring off into nothing. Connie hummed in response, watching his friend whose eyes looked tired. They were all tired, but the dark circles plaguing his face gave evidence of racing thoughts.

"He'll be okay, Jean." Sasha muttered, glancing at the taller boy who barely had the energy to meet her eye. "He's one of us, and us Scouts never give up!"

"Don't get punched in the face though!" Connie piped up, flashing a small grin. He shuttered a little, dramatizing the effort with a full body shake, "worst thing to happen is become like Floch... disgusting."

Jean gave a light-hearted chuckle at that, though it died off as the images of Armin's hand against Floch's skin made him queazy. With all of Hange's confidence, he hoped that they would get to the bottom of this, preferably quickly, before someone else or Armin himself got injured.

"Maybe it's just all this pressure," Sasha shrugged, "he got a titan, was used to create destruction, I think any of us would be tempered after that." Jean watched as she put down the flowers, eyebrows scrunching from her thoughts.

"No," Jean disagreed, while Armin did believe he had a giant weight on himself to prove he was worth saving, in all the years he had acquired the titan, nothing was comparable to this. "Like, I mean, in a way, I guess... but he was never like this."

"If you told me that Armin Arlert, scrawniest kid in our training squad, would completely ruin some dude's face one day, I would have laughed in your face." Connie joked. Jean knew it was true, nobody expected this behavior from Armin. He was all words, a master of manipulation that he used to his ability to not only help his comrades, but in some cases, go against them. It was always for the greater good, Jean knew that. Armin had dreams and he would come to achieve them, but doing so with his friends by his side.

"His eyes,,," Jean couldn't help but stare into the sky as he thought about the blues that had taken his mind over. That was Armin. Free, gentle, soft, like the afternoon sky.

"Dude... how often do you stare into his eyes." Jean glared at Connie.

"I wasn't finished!"

"Jean, you've been staring at him a lot."

"See! Even Sasha agrees, what, you got a weird thing for eyes?"

"No, Connie, I don't have a thing for eyes, I just notice when someone's eye color changes."

Connie jumps up, placing his fist close to his mouth. "This just in- Jean Kirstein, official word for the man himself, has a kink for eyes!"

Jean scrambled up, placing his hands on Connie's shoulders, still taller than the other. He pushed him down, as he heard cackles from Sasha, who moved to rolling around the grass. Connie joined in, laughs echoing around the empty space as he clutched at his stomach.

"It hurts!" He choked out, cheeks hurting from the smile beaming on his face.

Jean rolled his eyes, "you two are a bunch of children."

With a pause in her laughter, Sasha stares up at him, "You literally aren't saying no."

"No! Sasha... what the hell... I do NOT have a kink for eyes!" Jean emphasized, throwing his hands up in the air and pointing at the two.

"Then why do you stare at his all the time?" Sasha's eyes held a joking gleam, as Connie nudged her on.

"It's alright, Jean-boy, we don't judge!"

"Guys, cut this shit out. For the last time, I do not have a thing for eyes." Jean huffed, placing his arms against his sides defeated.

There was no issue in knowing Armin's eye color. No problems in watching as the bright blues turned deep and angry. A roaring sea, a stormy sky. He was supposed to have the dreamy eyes, where birds flew happily in the sky, clouds peaking around, the sun beaming down on them. If anything, Jean found it beneifical to notice the change in his eyes. He acted weird when they grew darker, was normal when lighter. Jean was contributing to their theories, helping by providing evidence. He was a goddamn hero for that.

"Update-this just in, Jean Kirstein has claimed he does in fact, not have an eye kink." Connie boasted, voice carrying around the space. Jean sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. Why did he decide to hold these two near and dear for the last years of his life? He could have chosen anyone, who would not claim he was getting hot and heavy over someone's eye color. Instead, he chose these dumbasses.

"You two are so stupid." Jean said, plopping back down on the grass. Connie rolled to his stomach, placing his arms under his chin. He kicked his feet as he blew on the grass under him.

"You love us though!" Connie grinned, watching Jean finally put out a little smile. 

"That I do."

--

Hange could barely hold in their excitement as she stared over at Armin. He was in fact a medical mystery right now, odd behaviors, color changes to his features, emotional turmoil. While he was a person, Hange couldn't wait to see if they could poke around his mind for a little bit to figure out the changes. They were eager to know the history of the medicine, dig deeper and see if the root of the situation was closer than they thought.

Armin stood away from Levi and Jean, who were tying the supplies to the horses they would take out to a deserted field, dying and empty. It was the training spot that was familiar. Practicing transformations, explosions, allowing for the capacity of his titan.

The beginning days, he barely could build more than half a skeleton. Empty eye sockets, no muscle, just bones and chunks of flesh that weakly scattered around the mangle. There was a block in his mind, telling him how he could never measure up, never achieve.

Countless times formed a full arm, accompanied only with a torso. After conversations with Eren, telling him how strong he was, that he had the power and capability, to remember his dreams... could he form his titan. Thinking of the sea, of the journey beyond the wall, of the new discoveries waiting for him.

Finally, he stood 60 feet tall. Mountains were visible. Countless hills and valleys. The air smelled fresher, like it didn't mix in with all the chaos going on underneath. Like it forgot to circulate and remained stable up so high. Where the birds flew around and the winds circled in a fluttery way.

For being a titan of destruction, it was something quite magical to be so high up, a gentle giant with immense powers.

Now, to do it all again. He mind raced, thoughts about moments he couldn't get back. Insecurity about his actions. He had no clue if he form a titan right now, let alone work on controlling the perimeter of explosions.

Mikasa offered to clean the mess he made, she gave little details. He still was unaware of what the pool of blood from, perhaps it was himself. Worse, it was a friend. It only proved to deepen the fear coursing through his mind.

"Ready, kid?" Levi asked, finishing fastening up the sleeping bags and tents to a horse. Armin sighed, cracking his fingers and nodding. He hoisted himself up on a horse, holding the reigns and feeling the soft fur beneath his fingers. He was taught to ground himself, to feel different textures, smell the air around him, look around and identify objects. He could feel the hair of the horse's mane. He could smell... well, horse. He could see, again, horse. It was beginning to become difficult to ground himself when all he saw was exhaustion and horses.

"Set up tonight, we'll make soup there." Levi instructed, his body fluid with the horse, years of practice allowing him to have comfort. "Practice tomorrow."

"I cannot wait to see the flesh of the titan again, Armin!" Hange gleefully cheered, kicking lightly against the side of the horse to start trotting forward.

"That makes one of us..." Armin muttered, whispering under his breath. It must not have been completely silent, as he saw Jean's face soften through a quick glance.

Jean offered a smile of encouragement before kicking at the side of his horse, as the four of them left to the transformation site.

--

"Where's the fourth tent?" Jean looked around, seeing a pile of only three tents. He did a double-take, counting once again, four of them, yet only three tents.

"Missing, we got three. Arlert and you can share." Levi barked, moving to begin setting his own tent up.

Jean paled, sharing a confined space, with Armin? The boy he couldn't get out of mind? Obviously... because he cared about his friend. They grew up together, went through hell together, he would feel instincts to protect him. Ensure safety, stare into his eyes, get lost in them, want to touch his soft skin...

He trudged over to the tent, looking over at Armin and Hange having a conversation. He'll just put this tent up alone then. Granted, it could be for the better. Armin was a genius, but maybe not as smart with putting together their sleeping quarters for the night. Fastening the sheets along the poles, in a matter of minutes the tent was put together. It would shock Jean to do it in a swift manner, yet putting together the tent felt like a second nature. He had done it countless times, the construction of it something so familiar.

"Sorry, I didn't help." A voice mumurred behind him. He whipped his head around, crouched by the ground as he put in a stake, seeing Armin staring sheepishly. Jean waved his hand, offering to him that it was no problem. Still, Armin's face flushed with pink at the thought of once again not having provided assistance.

"Welcome to our crib for the next few nights!" Jean laughed, slapping his hand against the pole of the tent and gesturing his other arm inside. Armin giggled, and Jean felt his heart stop. That sound was like magic. Light, fluttery, and hitting Jean in his core. He wanted to hear it again.

"Tour?" He questioned as Armin stepped forward, bending down slightly to enter the tent. Jean had to crouch much lower than Armin, being inches taller. "So this is the living space," he gestured down to a space near the entrance, where no bags containing clothing or sleeping bags were left. "Over here is the master bedroom," he even decided to throw in a wink as he motioned to his own sleeping bag, laying next to a bag of extra clothes. "Of course, wouldn't be much without our luxury guest room!" He beamed, pointing at the other sleeping bag, about a few feet of space between them. "Bathrooms, well, you didn't book the deluxe plan, so those are outside." He gutted his finger towards the front flap of the tent, indicating that the grounds outside would work as the bathroom.

A bundle of laughter escaped Armin as Jean explained the tent, squinting his eyes as he nodded at each pointed area. It warmed Jean's heart as the laughter filled the crowded tent. The laughter was few and far between and hearing it now was a breath of fresh air.

A blush creeped up Jean's cheeks at the sound. His neck felt warmer and he lifted his hands to try to undo a button on his uniform, yet hesitated for a brief moment at the sight of Armin. Rolling back his shoulders, his arms dropped and he adjusted his collar instead.

"Hey, uh..." Armin stuttered, flicking his gaze at Jean. "Thanks, you know, for being here."

"It was ordered but-"

"Yeah, I know." Armin ushered out, "but... I know you'd be here anyway. I appreciate it." Jean brought up his arm and placed a hand on Armin's bicep, missing his intended spot on his shoulder. Armin felt warm to the touch, and even with the flame growing in Jean's body, he found it comforting. Giving a soft squeeze, Jean was not in any rush to remove his hand. He stared into Armin's eyes, who stared back, looking almost hopeful.

"I'd do anything to help you." Jean whispered, feeling the slight twitch of his thumb as it slowly rubbed once against Armin's bicep. He saw Armin try to suppress a shutter, though it exposed him as goosebumps ran along his foreman of exposed skin.

"Soup!" Levi called out from outside the tent. Jean dropped his arm, moving it to rubbing the back of his neck instead. The blushes on their faces beamed brightly, Armin's ears tinted pink and Jean watching the ground intently.

"After you..." Jean mumbled, turning his attention to rolling out the creases in the sleeping bag as Armin shifted and made his way outside.

"Fuck..." Jean let out quietly, sighing.

He made his way out, seeing a small fire put up in the middle of the three tents. A bowl was held up by rope and sticks, steam rumbling out of the top. Peaking inside, there was boiling liquids that had chunks of potatoes and even carrots, that were freshly picked, he hoped. It was a bonus to see the carrots, as he would have settled for only the potatoes. If they were really lucky, there would be meat in the soup tomorrow, trying to replenish the energy Armin would lose tomorrow with transforming.

Grabbing a prepared bowl from Hange, Jean took a seat on a pulled up branch, most likely from the last time the team came out to help Armin's transformations.

While Jean had seen Armin's titan a good few times, he never was offered to attend to his training missions. This would be the first time he would be the one there to ensure Armin safely could exit the titan if a transformation went poorly, help him, let his body rest against his.

"Ready, kid?" Levi asked, shoveling some soup into his mouth. Armin clinked the spoon against the bowl, looking up. He shrugged, swirling the spoon around and playing with the chunks in the liquid.

"You have down getting to your full titan form, we want to work on radius of the explosions. Control it to being less, or more, pending the situation." Hange explained, the soup in their bowl sloshing with her movements. Jean saw as Armin's body grew timid with the ongoing conversation. Swallowing a mouthful of soup, he looked over.

"The new recruits are slow." He said thoughtfully, watching as Levi's eyebrow flicked up. Levi put his bowl down, crossing his arms, a small sneer on his face.

"You're right." He agreed, holding Jean's eye. "They are slow, even after Marley."

"We lost a lot of good soldiers then, on Eren's word." Jean added, biting his cheek a little at the thought of bringing Eren into the conversation. Armin coughed violently at the name, leading to Hange reaching over and patting on his back. He rose his hand up, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

"Went down the wrong way." He squeaked out, still having lingering coughs escaping him. Jean couldn't help but notice such a sudden change in reaction.

"Following his orders blind, am I the only one who thinks the suicidal maniac is trying to get us all killed before himself?" Jean wondered aloud, finally an odd sense of ease in exposing secrets that had crowded his mind since Marley. Armin watched the ground, not putting forth any input in the matter.

"We trust him, blind or not. We know he's on our side." Hange said hopefully, though Jean almost caught the small flash of distrust in their face.

"What if... what if he's not." Armin added, voice barely above a whisper, still stirring his dinner. He refused to meet anyone's eye. It was his best friend. If anything, he should be the one installing all the blind faith in the world on him. Even after saying that, his head began to pound and he felt heat rush through his body. His hand clenched against his side, the spoon clattering against the bowl as he brought his other hand to it to give it a squeeze.

"We can only ensure he is. Isn't that the point? The thing the brat has said for years is seeing beyond the wall and reaching freedom, titan or people regardless." Levi could only ponder curiously at Armin, shock written on him from the questions from the blonde.

Armin nodded in agreement, feeling the heat begin to give up as he refused to say anything else. It was a rush, of power and adrenaline and Armin felt it disappear quickly. Perhaps from the anxiety of the training tomorrow.

"I'mma head in. Get some sleep." Levi placed his bowl on a log, the makeshift table Jean assumed. Not wanting to go against Levi's orders, he quickly gulped down the soup, chewing fast when he got chunks of potato and carrot. Armin did the same, trying to eat as quick as he could in hopes to get as much sleep as he could. He knew tomorrow was going to be a long day.

Clanking the bowls against each other, Hange followed soon after Levi, giving a happy wave with a call of goodnight. The two boys were left alone out there, gobbling up their dinner in silence. If they had anything to say, Armin assumed it would be inside the tent, in privacy.

Placing their bowls with the others, Jean grabbed them and poured some of the water from his own canteen into them, swishing it around and throwing it to the ground. Clean enough, he thought. They paced back to the tent, settling down on their sleeping bags. Armin brought up his legs, hugging them against his body with arms and tucking his chin against his knee.

"You okay?" Jean asked, as he could almost feel the tension radiating off of Armin. Armin sighed, glancing up at his friend's questioning gaze.

"I don't know if I can do this. Everything has been so... messed up lately." He confided in Jean, as Jean himself remembered the conversation the other night. The desire to live up to Erwin's name, to be strong enough. to prove he was worth it.

"You can. You always know what to do, that's why everyone counts on you." Jean reassured Armin, who from the looks of it, didn't want to even try to begin to believe any word Jean was saying. Armin released his legs, shifting to sit closer to where Jean was.

Jean looked at the ceiling of the tent, before meeting those familiar blue eyes that he couldn't stop picturing in his mind. "How, uh..." he paused, licking his lips. Armin's gaze dropped a little, watching as the tip of the tongue stretched along Jean's bottom lip, before retreating back inside, as he gulped a little. "How was the seeing the water for the first time?"

Armin looked at his eyes in alarm, "what?"

"Beyond the wall. The waters, you know? Your dream." Jean chuckled a little, eyes glancing around the tent as he felt a little stupid for asking such a question. Armin thought back to that day, seeing the ocean for the first time. It was... magic. The cool feel of the water splashing against his legs, the screams of glee from his comrades running around, the grit of the sand sticking to the soles of his feet as he got out. The smell of salt mixed with sweet scents carried along the wind. It was like a dream he never wanted to wake up from.

"It was everything, Jean." Armin's voice was dreamy, excited and for one time this night, not full of concern for the future events about to take place. "Did you smell the breeze? I didn't even know salt had a scent, but it was there and it was so fresh. Like I thought it would stink, you know? A big thing of water... but it was so fresh." He drawled on, a grin letting his eyes squint a little at the enjoyment of finally discussing this. 

"And it was so cold! I mean, I even run warm, you know, now, and it was so cold! It felt so good and..." Armin paused, laughing a little. "I'm sorry, this is more than you asked."

Jean shrugged, "Go on, I like to hear you talk. About your passions." Armin's heart could have burst right there. He reached over, placing his hand on Jean's that rested against his knee, and gave a small squeeze. After a few moments passed, he realized that his hand was still there and jutted his hand back. He coughed awkwardly, looking around before continuing.

"It was just something I never thought of. To see that water so vast, it stretched forever and I don't even think it ends anywhere." Jean grinned at Armin's own excitement, proud of himself for easing the timidness faced by the boy. 

"Don't get me started on Connie trying to water. I have never seen his face turn green before!" Jean cut in, the image flashing in his mind. Connie had coughed aggressively after, warning everyone, though of course Sasha had to try it to prove the fact that it was gross. Just thinking about the two having that moment, was enough.

"I'm happy for you, though." Jean rushed out, pink tinting his ears. Rubbing his fingers through the ends of his hair, "it must have really meant something to see that."

"Yeah," Armin nodded, a smile refusing to leave his face. "It did."

"Do you mind?" Jean gestured over to a little lantern, illuminating the tent around them. Armin shook his head, the two settling into their sleeping bags, still placed a few feet apart. Armin moved to turn off the lantern, before hesitating.

It felt like deja-vu. Like he was somewhere else, with a lantern, working to turn it off, before enduring countless conversations. His hand froze in the air, thinking back to a chair, a rotting cot, and a light that gleamed so dim that it was barely present. For some odd reason, it made him feel sick to his stomach.

"Light?" Jean whispered, his eyes closed and waiting for darkness to consume the tent. Shaking his head, Armin grunted in response before turning off the light. He sighed, alluding the memory to any mission where lanterns was used. They were familiar and it was probably just some mission that went sour. He was sure of it.

As he closed his eyes, he couldn't help but feel a part of his body shutter in fear at the memory of this mysterious lantern.

--

Jean woke to thrashing and whimpers. Still in a daze, he barely pried open one eye. Even in the dark, he saw the shifts of the sleeping bag besides him as arms wiggled around, words and gasps coming out of Armin. Jean felt half-asleep, yet he pulled his arm out of the bag. His torso felt like it was on fire, sweat clinging to his back. He pulled his shirt off in a swift movement, before looking back at Armin. The boy continued to whimper, "Eren, stop! It's not fair, don't do that to them."

Crawling over, Jean tapped Armin's shoulder. "Armin, wake up." Jean felt like this was familiar to the other morning as well, trying to help guide Armin through his nightmare. Jean continued to shove at Armin's shoulder as his other hand crept up and stroked the tears flowing down Armin's cheek away. He looked so... broken.

With a jump, Armin's eyes shot open. Gazing up at Jean, he let out a soft, strangled cry. His breathing was erratic, his hand moving to clutch at his heart. Jean quickly grabbed at his chin, breathing in and out loudly so that Armin could follow. With glazed eyes, Armin followed Jean's breathing, finally feeling his heart flow down.

"I- I'm sorry." Armin wheezed out, clenching his eyes shut at the blurry images that crossed his mind in the nightmare. He saw Eren and all he could think of was red. There was red everywhere, from where?

It must have been the port. When he exited his titan, all he could see was bodies and red and ash, and it broke his heart. It had to have been that.

"It's okay, you're okay." Jean whispered, stroking the back of Armin's head as he fingers grazed through the soft hair. He stood still as he watched Armin reach around, grabbing a vial and injecting himself with the blue serum all in one quick motion. Jean didn't even have the time to tell him to stop, or throw the vial out the tent. It was over before it even registered in his mind. He opened his mouth to question it, to say something, though he stopped as if he knew the answer already.

A doctor prescribed it. It's for the nightmares. It is completely safe.

Armin took a deep breath, feeling relief immediately. With hooded eyes, he shyly looked up at Jean, squeaking out a delicate thank you.

Moving back to his sleeping bag, Jean bit his lip in thought. In their training days, Eren commonly comforted Armin in times of need. In the same bed. With a splash of hope, Jean opened his mouth.

"You, uh, you can come closer, if that helps?" Jean suggested. Armin hummed in response, turning to look at him sleepily.

"The nightmares. If it helps to be closer to me, that's, you know, fine." He muttered out, watching as Armin thought it over. As Armin continued to stay in his spot, Jean felt embarrassment and defeat wash over him.

"You obviously don't have to-!" He sputtered before he felt it. Armin shifted closer to Jean, wiggling out of his sleeping bag. Jean saw it, the shirt clinging to his body in sweat. He knew Armin ran hot, but the drips along his forehead made him concerned at how hot he truly ran.

Like Jean, Armin slipped out of the shirt, his pale skin exposed. Jean again saw the lines on his torso, drinking it in with his eyes, hoping the darkness in the tent would hide the curiousity in his eyes from Armin. Armin slowly shifted downward, snuggling in close to Jean's body, yet leaving a little space. So close, yet not touching.

Armin's shoulders dropped, as he shut his eyes and softly let out another breath. It was comfortable, evne with the extra body heat next to him. He felt safe, like Jean would protect him from the nightmares that dared to entered his mind.

"Thanks, Jean. You don't owe me anything, and you continue to help me. Thank you." Armin murmured, sleep overtaking him more with each word. Jean thought he saw his eyes close slowly, finally followed by shallow breathing. It amazed him that Armin could fall asleep so fast, but he contributed it to all the exhaustion he has been feeling, also with whatever else is going on with him.

Sighing, Jean slowly brushed Armin's hair out from his eyes, leaving his hand resting there against the hair for a moment before retreating back. He thought he saw the corners of Armin's lips turn up sneakily but it could have been a figment of his imagination.

"I would do anything for you..." Jean whispered under his breath, watching the slow rise and fall of Armin's chest,  before he too closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come.

Chapter Text

It was warm. Armin was all too familiar with waking up sweaty, feeling overheated until his body returned to a normal temperature. The early days he found himself cold most of the time, shivering even under his blankets covering the cot shared in a room with his comrades. Once he inherited the Colossal, it became easier to forget how cold he ran. Days of goosebumps were replaced by beads of sweat, feeling warmer most of the time.

Armin felt heat radiating around him. The sleeping bag was tucked under his arms, the limbs wrapped up against warmth next to him. One arm tucked against the wall, the other wrapped around beneath. It was soft, smooth, and hard.

Even in a sleepy daze, the thought of his arm going beyond the wall confused him. Was this part of the tent further away compared to where his other arm was pressed against it?

Suddenly... the wall was moving. Shallowly, up and down. Armin felt as his arm moved with the motion, a subtle rise and fall. Cracking an eyelid open, he squinted from the light casted in. The wall was tanned, smooth, yet scarred from years of being in the Scouts. Lines pasted against the flesh, indents and abs in Armin's field of vision.

Blinking slowly, his gaze drifted down, seeing the dip of hips traveling downward into pants. Widening his eyes, it suddenly hit the blonde that this was no wall... it was Jean.

Last night flashed through his mind in an instant, the nightmare, the medication he took, shifting closer to Jean for comfort. Not this close...

Armin's cheeks burned, growing redder with each passing second, looking up to confirm the taller boy was still sleeping soundly. His heart pounded against his chest as his eyes drank in the toned torso in front of him.

He should look away, remove his arm, turn over, give more space. His mind screamed to back up and act like the two were never this close. With every beg and plead, his body wouldn't react. He didn't want to move.

It was comforting, feeling the heat, letting Jean's breathing direct his own, calm him down. Armin hadn't felt so safe in a long time. Even in his sleeping form, it seemed as though Jean would still protect him from the dangers of the world.

Through all the worry of being tucked into Jean's chest, Armin barely noticed the hand placed behind his head.

Jean's fingers were placed delicately along the shorter undercut of Armin's hair. Even in his slumber, his fingers flicked through the hair, fidgeting slightly with each released breath. It tickled Armin's head, yet the tremble in his back from the sparks of the movements felt nice.

With a sudden shift from Jean, Armin snapped his eyes shut and tried his best to relax his breathing. Jean hummed softly, tightening his fingers around Armin's hair. They stretched out, combing through the hair that was due to be a little unruly from the sleep.

Trying to smother a yawn, Jean cracked his eyes open slightly. His body froze by the sight of a blonde head of air curled against his chest, feeling the small weight of Armin's arm slung around his waist.

Beyond the state of shock, Jean couldn't help but melt at the realization that Armin fit in perfectly to his body. Almost like two puzzle pieces that were matched together, Armin's body connected straight in with Jean's and a small grin broke out on his face from the fact.

It should be weird, sleeping closely between each other. Jean had seen how Armin would wake up some mornings with Eren, resting closely by his side. It was odd at the time, seeing the two friends huddled so close together. Now... Jean was jealous. Envious of all the times that Eren felt Armin's warmth beside him, where Eren's hands were the ones running through Armin's hair, whispering reassurances to him.

Jean huffed at the thoughts, squeezing his eyes shut as if that would take away the picture in his mind of the two together. Jokes on Eren... Armin was beside Jean now, breathing lightly against his chest, feeling safe in his hold.

Clearing his throat slightly, Jean shifted a little back, trying to wiggle out from under Armin's draped arm. Armin shuffled a little at the movements.

"Armin, wake up." Jean whispered, watching as Armin stirred a little more, even though Armin had been awake the entire time. Armin, too smart for his own good, took note of how Jean hadn't immediately tensed up at the closeness when he woke up, he hadn't immediately ran away. The thought almost worried him, yet he still continued to find it disturbingly nice.

Armin's eyes squinted open, the grogginess still leaving his body. Playing the part, his eyes scanned up to look into Jean's eyes before he quickly squeaked out a little noise and threw his own body back, scrambling away. Jean tried hard to muffle the chuckle that begged to come out.

Staring into each other's eyes, silence pressed on between the two. Neither looked exactly shameful... but both boys were trying to conceal emotions and made it difficult for the other to read them.

"I-I don't..." Armin drawled on, opening his mouth, closing it quickly, and covering his face with his hands. Jean only stared back, trying to suppress the grin that threatened to beam widely.

"Armin..." Jean giggled, watching as Armin's eyes darted around the room. They tried to look at anything but Jean's own.

"We must have-uh-like rolled in our sleep!" Armin muttered, scratching at his hair which was thrown around, messy on top of his head. Jean couldn't help but want to put his hand back in the strands, comb it down, feel how soft it was between his fingers once again.

"It's okay, Armin. It's fine... just a little," Jean shrugged, "surprising is all." Armin paled, groaning loudly as he rubbed at his forehead. It seemed as though he could rub out the sudden awkwardness of the situation. He kept thinking of any scenario to fix what happened before it hit him. 

Jean said it was fine. That it was okay. Pressed against each other, limbs tangled around the other's body... and Jean thought it was okay.

"You didn't mind?" Armin bit his lip as his eyes tore into Jean's. They had a goal of searching around, seeing if he was lying, if this was his worst nightmare come true. Armin couldn't find anything. Quite frankly, it seemed like Jean was amused by it. Perhaps it was Armin's scrambling around after the fact or the nature of being content with the situation.

Jean paused, the corners of his lips turning up slightly. "...it wasn't bad, just unexpected."

Armin nodded, hoping his face was not as red as it felt, the fire searing through his face.

Jean chuckled at Armin's tentative form. "You're a furnace, by the way."

Armin let out a shaky breath, releasing a small laugh at the comment. He played with his fingers as his gaze drifted down sheepishly. He grinned despite himself, pointing at the sleeping bag, trying to indicate the assistance he had in the warmth that was created.

The conversation staled, silence loud in the tent. This time the pause wasn't uncomfortable, the sharpness drowned away. It was curious, as if the two wanted to be upfront about exactly how they were okay with what happened.

Jean gave a cough, eyes tearing away from Armin's as he shyly rubbed at the back of his neck. "You know, maybe-uh," he straightened his shoulders, cheeks turning pink, "Maybe next time we don't use the sleeping bags. Less heat..."

Armin couldn't breathe. Next time? There was a next time?

His eyes begged for Jean's to hit his own. When he did, he saw the questions swirling through his head. Remaining unasked, Jean's eyes pleaded for some indication, some answer from Armin that would inform that he too was feeling something bigger than before. Something still left unsaid, but feelings were changing and adapting, quicker than either could understand.

Armin's eyes grew soft. "Yeah... we can do that. For uh, next time."

Jean only blinked back in response, meeting Armin's shy smile, a knowing glint to his own face.

Somehow, despite the awkwardness of waking up wrapped tightly against a close friend... neither of the two seemed to mind the thought of a next time.

--

The soup Hange made settled poorly in Armin's stomach. Today was the first day of explosion work with Armin's transformations. The pressure to succeed weighed heavily.

A breeze drifted through their makeshift camp, rustling the dust around on the ground. Tension radiated off of Armin, thoughts whirling around about what was to come.

The sun beamed down on his pale shoulders. He had learned from working on transformations years ago that his shirt constantly ripped. The amount of times he was cut out without arms, the clothing on his body torn to shreds.

From then on, it was advised to practice without the top. Levi pressed for the kid to take off his trousers, but Armin disputed quickly about not wanting to be prancing around close to naked. A compromise settled with wearing the trousers and removing the top and his boots.

Hange waved from far away, hands cupped around their mouth. "It's a go, Armin!"

Armin gulped. He perfected transforming. Numerous trials and he had mastered the art of becoming the Colossal.

Right now, he thought it was the hardest challenge he would face. Not to mention, in front of Jean. Last time Armin had transformed, he exited his titan to a valley of destruction. Limbs cascaded around, fear pasted on the pale faces of victims to his own explosion.

A sea of red.

Thinking about that, the weapon he truly was, made him sick to his stomach.

Sighing, he knew it was time. The act of transforming was second nature, at least he tried to convince himself of it. This time though, his mind raced with the thought of appeasing Levi and Hange, fearful of what Jean would think, and pain from what he was capable of.

Biting at his tongue, he felt the familiar sparks erupt around his body. A flash of white clouded his eyes as smoke exploded through the air.

His shoulder ached. He couldn't feel one of his arms. Actually... he couldn't even move.

Looking around, he noticed the dusty ground only a short distance away from his eyes. Bones cluttered beneath his eyes. A rib cage, his face a skeleton, one arm lifted out and the other absent. No legs were present beneath the bony torso he created.

Growling in frustration, he blinked back tears.

He had perfected this. What was this piece of shit he generated? A couple of bones? That was it. His mind raced and scolded at the disappointment of not coming to his entire form.

The pounding in his head grew with each second, his vision slowly turning black. It reminded him of when he was first transforming, conscious for a couple of moments until darkness would cloud his vision and send his mind away. The tingling in his body alluded to it quickly as his vision turned dark and the thoughts silenced.

Jean watched from afar, seeing the cluster of bones. He didn't do it. Why couldn't he do it?

Hange sighed, scribbling quickly against their notebook. Levi's fingers stretched out, itching for his blade attached to his hip. Glancing around, he caught Jean's eyes.

With a nod, Levi gestured over to the bones. Jean raised his eyebrows, opening his mouth to ask what was going on.

Levi only rolled his eyes, "Get the kid out." The sharpness of his voice erupted through Jean's ears and he shot off quickly into the bones far out from him.

Cutting through the only muscle produced, he slowly picked at Armin's arm, tucking under his armpit and severing the fleshy connections Armin had with the titan.

"Come on, Armin." Jean murmured, tugging his body free. Armin's head dangled freely, eyes tightly shut and breathing shallow. His other arm was torn away, steam already lifting from the wound.

Jean found himself staring at the indents on Armin's face. The flesh exposed on his cheeks, under his eyes. Jean had seen it before, yet seeing it this close, this real. It stirred something within him. He couldn't quite tell what it was. Almost as if Jean wanted to blink and it would be gone, the normal pale flesh connected back to Armin's cheeks and watching as they grew pink, full of life. Not empty and exposing.

Slowly, he wrapped a strong arm around Armin's torso and brought them to the ground. Armin was dead weight against him, still seemingly unconscious.

Jean shook at his one shoulder, the other still working to reform. "Come on..." Jean let out under shaky breathing. With no movements from Armin, Jean started to work pushing him harder.

"Armin, please!" Jean's voice rang out desperate, making him cringe a little at the declaration. With a final shove, Armin's eyes flicked open. The light blue was visible and Jean sighed in relief at the exhaustion housed in them.

"I didn't do it." Armin slurred, head pounding as his eyes squinted from the light. Jean shook his head lightly as Armin coughed a little. His eyes met the smoke from his shoulder, watching as a small stump rebuilt itself.

"You'll get it next time." Jean tried to reassure him, hoping to evoke some hope. Armin only looked away, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. Jean's heart throbbed and he wanted to reach out and pluck his thumb against them, wipe them away. He decided against it.

Levi rushed over beside the two, arms crossed.

"You weren't focused." He said dryly, taking note of how close Jean's body was to the blonde. As if Jean could see his watchful eyes noticing, he leaned back further and provided more space between their bodies. Images of the morning wrapped together flashed in his mind for a brief moment as he moved further back.

"I know." Armin choked out.

Levi flashed a sympathetic look, narrowing his eyes at Jean and pushing his head over to where Hange stood. Jean understood and with a squeeze on Armin's good shoulder, he got up and walked over to Hange who continued hastily writing in their notebook.

"You were thinking too much." Levi muttered, staring at the stump that continued to grow. Armin sighed, nodding in acknowledgement. "It's what you did the first few times."

"I know." Armin repeated, trying to avoid Levi's hardened gaze.

Levi's face softened, reaching down to touch at Armin's shoulder. Armin worked to choke back a sob that threatened to escape. His lip trembled at the gravity of the situation. He failed them, again. 

"Kid, you can do this." Levi's voice was gentle, perhaps the most sincere that Armin had ever heard it. The emotion was evident in the passion for the cause and Armin could tell that even though he struggled to show it, the care for the blonde was clear in Levi's tone.

"Stop comparing yourself. Take that pressure off of yourself. You are here because you deserve to be here. I chose you. You had no say, it was mine. And I picked you. Show me what you are made of." With a small squeeze, timider than Jean's, Levi stood and walked back towards the other two.

Armin gulped, his ears ringing. I picked you. The words echoed in his mind. What you are made of. Armin's face tightened and with his good arm, he sat up and struggled to stand. 

Determination rolled through him. He could do this. Sending a signal out to Hange, he prepared for another transformation.

His heart broke at the mess of bones tangled in poorly created muscle. Again, Jean rescued him from the titan, Armin in and out of conscious.

Jean would try to give few words of encouragement, yet the smoke that emitted from afar to expose another half-created titan only blew the words right away.

Hange couldn't believe it, having seen the success Armin had numerous times to become the full 60 foot titan. Levi considered what could be holding him back. His only thought was the new situations Armin had been experiencing, this new personality he developed since Marley.

Perhaps the blonde had forgotten himself. Who he truly was.

Jean heard it before, Armin thinking he was only a monster. A weapon of destruction and terror. Completely immortalized by the titan and losing who he was. The talented, genius blonde with soft, blue eyes that told a story of dreams and passion.

After more transformations continued to fail, Levi barked that it was time to head back to eat. The sun was dipping lower beyond the horizon as oranges and reds coated the sky. Soon, stars would peak out as the dark blue would seep into pitch black.

Armin huffed in frustration at the failures. He was a disappointment and nothing could change that.

--

Easing back into the tent, Jean took note of the bags under Armin's eyes. He had eaten, but the blonde looked so small from all the transformations. Jean understood.

Hange had worked him over and over. Transforming one after the other. After the first few failed to produce a full titan, Hange's expectations dropped. It was expected that more would come from that. More had in the past, there was something else at play here. Jean couldn't imagine having to use that much energy consistently. Jean couldn't comprehend how Armin could even stand right now.

With grunts of disappointment, they were promised to work on it tomorrow. Levi gave Armin a few glares and told him to clear his head for tomorrow. The scolding wasn't rude, but powerful. Levi believed in Armin. It was time he finally tried to believe in himself.

As the flap closed behind the two boys, Armin huffed and collapsed onto the base of his sleeping bag, eyes shut.

His hands were shaking and he looked paler than usual. Jean pained at the sight, the frustration pasted on Armin's face at the struggles he faced, pure exhaustion in the hunch of his shoulders.

Jean's hand twitched, the thought of running his hand along the side of Armin's back. Digging deeper, being the source to ease the built-up tension locked in his muscles.

Armin could hardly breathe. Images played in his mind of the bony titan he conjured the first few transformations. Missing muscle, being only a half-assed skeleton. It was like the last few years never happened. Like being back at square one, when he first tried to transform.

Seeing the disappointment on Levi's face the first time he constructed ribs and a skeletal face. Eren had told him at the time it was natural and to not be ashamed. Armin couldn't help but feel as though he was letting everyone down.

"Eat enough?" Jean's voice cut through the racing thoughts in Armin's mind. Armin's eyes fluttered open, glancing up at Jean. He nodded. Armin hadn't eaten enough, actually. His stomach was far from full, though the thought of consuming more soup made him nauseous.

It was difficult to have the will to eat when Armin felt so sick. The insecurities and moritifcation at his performance out there plagued him. All he wanted to do was rest his eyes and if he was lucky, maybe he wouldn't have to wake up.

He could just sleep, dream of his grandfather, of Jean and him on a boat, in the open water, talking about new discoveries and what their future held. To see Mikasa and Eren and race up that hill and play with the flowers... to be young again. Young, innocent. Happy.

Armin's stomach lurched at the thoughts. He had a second chance at life and here he was, wasting it with thoughts like this.

A shiver ran down his spine as he casted the thoughts away, knowing better to think like that. He deserved to be here... if he could get beyond this mind-block. There was always tomorrow... and he would do better. He had to be better. Armin knew he could do it. Seeing the satisfied smile on Jean's face was all the motivation he needed to achieve the goals of the training.

The chirp of bugs outside flooded the tent as Jean placed his body down on his own sleeping bag. His hands brushed against the fabric, smoothing out wrinkles left from earlier. A breeze lightly fluttered the tent, though the structural nature forbid anything from entering.

"...I meant it." Jean uttered out. His leg bounced a little anxiously, letting out a shaky breath he didn't know he was holding. Armin's head snapped up, eyebrows furrowed.

"Last night, what happened. It was alright."

Armin chewed at his bottom lip, Jean tried his best to divert his eyes.

"You... uh, were quite comfortable actually." Jean stared as Armin continued nibbling on his lip, his own mouth running dry. He thought back to earlier that morning, their bodies pressed against each other. Armin had felt sturdy, a hard surface next to him. Even with the heat and the hardness of his body close, it was soft. Jean wanted to have the puzzle piece fit once again.

Armin let the silence erupt in the room before running a hand through his hair. "You weren't bad either." The whisper of the words disappeared into the night as Jean's heart strummed in his chest. For Armin being the one with words, it shocked Jean a little at how much he was stuttering with expressing his thoughts.

A rush of confidence and a beat of his heart, Jean said all that plagued his mind. "Where do we go from not bad?"

Armin watched in confusion, his eyebrows raising in question. Jean chuckled lightly, shrugging his shoulders. Clearing his throat, he gestured with his hands between the two sleeping bags. "I mean, are we going to pretend it didn't happen? Or...?"

Armin's head moved lightly in understanding. The thought was difficult. Did Armin want to act like he hadn't enjoyed waking up wrapped around Jean? The fingers playing in his hair groggily, the soft snores from Jean ringing in his ears.

The novelty of speaking it aloud frightened him. It would make it all real. Vocalize the silent thoughts racing through their heads at whatever their feelings were with each other. It was confusing for Jean, to feel something growing bigger for his friend. Shocking, to feel such a connection physically and emotionally. Armin found it fearful to break the boundary, to move into a new terrority, something to explore further than he ever had before.

His decision was made. "I'd rather not pretend." He said softly, a brief confidence dripping through the words. Relief flooded through Jean at the confession. He wasn't worried at what Armin would say. The secret confession hidden in that told Jean that whatever he was feeling was reciprocated, it wasn't being imagined.

Armin's eyes floated to a close, his voice growing sleepy. "And if it happens again," Armin went on, his voice low and thick with exhaustion. "Maybe, for next time, it won't be by accident."

Jean let out a shaky breath. He stared up at the top of the tent. His heart didn't race, in fact it did the opposite. It felt as though it was settling into a new rhythm, beating along happily. His body holding on to every ounce of magic he felt at the words.

"Alright." Jean breathed out, leaning back slowly onto his own bag. He tried to suppress the smile that yearned to break across his face, his cheeks growing tired at the fight. "Good to know."

He heard a low chuckle erupt from the blonde as he gave a sheepish smile. "For the heat." he mumbled out as he lifted his shirt and left himself bare for the night. Jean darted his eyes away as a blush creeped onto his face.

The two laid down on top of their bags in silence. They weren't touching, not cuddling such as they had that morning. But they were aware. Acknowledging hidden confessions, the awareness of a change in feelings and what was to come. What could come. They were suddenly aware of the space between the two, slim as it seemed between the bags. It was still there even if reaching an arm out would allow for it to press against one's back.

They laid aware of this small space between them. Aware of the fact that the space just might not be there forever.

Chapter Text

Armin dragged his foot through the dust. He woke in the morning, body not close to Jean's but their hands had magically both ended up spread out, nearly touching. They didn't, yet Armin couldn't shake the feeling that something had been missing. As if, their fingers should have been joined together.

Levi and Hange stood far out, a stern expression worn on Levi's face as an encouraging smile broke out on Hange's as they threw up the signal to transform.

After yesterday, Armin was dreading this moment. He barely managed to produce muscles on his titan body, let alone bring himself to 60 feet tall. Having to wake up early today to work once again left him feeling discouraged. There was no telling if he would succeed this time.

A mental block constructed itself high in his mind. The walls built were solid and barely budged, regardless of how focused Armin would be. He just couldn't do it.

Jean stood close to the other two, teeth biting at his lip, anxiously fiddling with his fingers. He knew Armin was capable and watching his struggles only filled Jean with worry. With his behavior changes lately, Jean barely understood what was going on in Armin's mind half the time. The last few days had seemed good for him... Armin was acting like... Armin. Perhaps Jean had been wrong, he was only stressed from everything going on, there wasn't anything going on.

Something begged at the back of his head though to continue pursuing this concern. That something was wrong. Very wrong, and it was up to them to figure it out.

Armin took in a deep breath. Closing his eyes, he pictured running up the hill with Mikasa and Eren. Apprehension crawled up his spine at the thought of Eren's younger form, racing ahead, hair flopping around in the wind.

The grass was plush against his feet, heavy breaths leaving his mouth as he huffed after the two. Mikasa always caught up to Eren, Armin had thought she went slower on purpose. Giving him a chance to show off. To race and let his mind wander and achieve winning the path up the hill.

Armin was slower, it wasn't a mystery. Yards behind the two, he pushed his legs harder in order to catch up. "One foot in front of the other, get a good push." He thought, lungs burning as he continued forward.

Suddenly, he fell back. The grass was no longer as soft, a grunt leaving him as he collapsed to the ground. Glancing up, the light sky had turned murky, dark blue swirling around clouds of deep grey. The sun that was out moments before disappeared. Winds picked up, tossing his bangs around as he heard echoes of cracking in the sky.

Above him, Eren stood tall. Not this Eren... no... he was much older. Hair tied back, eyes tired and piercing, distaste evident on his face.

"I need you to be strong." Eren barked, hovering over Armin's small body remaining crouched against the ground. The hill was gone, the joyous laughter of his friends vacant. Eren peered down at Armin like he was a mistake. "I need you to unleash your true power. Be the monster I saw before."

Armin's heart raced, his mind racing. This taller and older Eren looked so real, yet Armin figured if he reached out he would disappear.

"Monster?" Armin choked out, refusing to let his eyes break contact with Eren's. They looked regretful, like they were moving forward and not looking back, though remorseful of what Armin couldn't understand.

Eren nodded slightly. "You have to be ready for when I get back, Armin."

Armin furrowed his eyebrows, head moving around to find wherever the hill went. Where his friends had ran off to. "You were just here?" Armin squeaked out, his voice higher and his young body shaking in fear.

Eren only scoffed, rolling his eyes. "To be so smart yet so clueless..." he muttered under his breath. "I need the Colossal," Eren said softly, recognizing the confusion in the young boy. Bending down, Eren drove a finger through Armin's long blonde hair, stroking back a strand that was sticking to his forehead. "Break that block you made. You are mine... the Colossal will be mine... and we are going to change the world."

"Change the world?" Armin questioned, feeling his eyes prick with tears. He couldn't understand what was going on, how this older version of Eren was with him. He didn't know what he was talking about, why he wanted this thing under his control. None of it made sense and he began to miss his two young friends racing away from him.

"For freedom, Armin. Complete... and utter... freedom..." Eren murmured, smirking as he drawled out his words.

It worried Armin more as heat flushed through his body. His veins burned, his lungs searing, and his head pounded as red flashed around. The world around him faded into blackness as the words Eren said echoed in his scorching head. Freedom...

Sparks erupted around Armin. The hill, the grass, the dark sky, his friends, an unwanted visitor that no longer Armin could picture in his head disappeared. Now, there was only a bright sky, clouds hanging just above him. The tree tops appeared under his vision, standing tall yet lower. The ground had faded to far below his eyes.

He had done it.

And he felt so extremely warm.

Anger seared through him, thinking of people who did him wrong, of these experiments that made him feel like a toy. He thought of himself, a failure yesterday but a weapon now. He was in control. Armin had done this. Not Erwin, deep in the ground, not Levi, nor Hange, who was jumping in glee far from him. It was him.

Confidence grew within him, the feeling of power deep inside.

Feeling bolder than he had in a while, Armin smiled as he peered at the fires below him. He had done a smaller explosion, at Hange's requests to go slower.

Hooks embedded into his neck as he felt his nape cut.

His eyes widened at the intrusion. Danger. Reacting the quickest his could, he let out a blast of steam, heat radiating around the muscle and growing smaller. Slowly, his elongated arm reached up to cover at his nape.

Jean cursed as the steam hit his body. Warmth burned at his skin as he flung himself back, gas erupting out of his gear as he hung in the air, watching as Armin's arm had moved to protect his nape where Jean had just cut in at.

This wasn't the plan. Hange strictly said to transform and then Jean would cut him out and they'd go from there. Pride swelled in Jean's chest at seeing Armin achieve his 60 foot form, a small blast pulsing from the transformation.

Now, Jean was left speechless as Armin fought against being released. Groaning in frustration, Jean found himself back on Armin's neck, slicing at the hand that covered his nape. Fingers fell to the ground as Armin let out another warning cloud of steam.

"What the hell, Armin!" Jean yelled out, knowing the blonde wouldn't hear from the lack of ears on his titan. Cutting deeper than he planned to, Jean forcefully removed Armin's body, his left hand missing two fingers, yet the rest of his body put together.

Steam crowded around the wound as it began to repair. Armin's eyes were closed shut, his flesh exposed on his cheeks. Throwing the boy over his shoulder, Jean propelled them down to the ground, dust flying up as his boots hit the ground.

Annoyance from being hit by burning steam twice, Jean tossed Armin's body off his shoulder quickly, wincing a little as he hit the ground. It was unnecessary to do it, his quick temper getting the better of him. Just as he felt the bloom of remorse for putting Armin down aggressively, eyes shot open to glare at him.

Except, Jean wasn't met with Armin's normal blue-colored eyes. This blue was too familiar, the same color as the serum Armin sneakily took in the morning. The same darkness that crowded his eyes as Armin would act differently. Jean could only gulp as he stared back into the eyes that were crowded with darkness.

"Take a goddamn hint, Jean." Armin's voice was low, anger dripping around each word. Jean could only stare in disbelief as Armin slowly made his way to his feet. His arms crossed over his torso, a sneer sketched across his face.

"That wasn't the order, Armin." Jean said softly, trying to defuse the tension emitting off of Armin. Armin rolled his eyes, scoffing. Eyes narrowed, Jean could hardly believe it was possible to notice the color turning even darker.

"I don't take orders from any of you." Armin growled.

Suddenly, hands wrapped around Jean's neck. His body hit the ground with a thud, his head colliding with the dirt. Armin's voice echoed in his ears as the blonde screamed in rage, his body hard against Jean's. Jean was taller and stronger, yet the force of Armin around him left him hopeless. Fingers squeezed tighter as Jean's arms struggled against Armin's body. He pounded a fist along Armin's back, his other hand scratching at the hands tight against his neck.

His lungs were aching and all Jean could feel was the immense pressure of his airway closing, dots scattering along his vision.

Was this it? Was this how he went out? From his crush suddenly becoming batshit crazy and killing him?

Blood seeped around Jean's fingers as he watched his nails dig into Armin's skin, red pooling around them. Armin did not give it a second thought as his aggrevation grew stronger.

He was in control. He didn't have to follow orders from them, he followed orders from one person and he would make him proud. He had a duty and Armin felt as though he was born to serve. To do what was asked of him.

"Ar... Armin!" Jean choked out, coughs surrounding the words and his vision getting blurry. He could hardly breathe...

Armin huffed out loudly, pressing deeper. He only saw red. Wanted to hurt whoever was below him. It didn't matter their name, nor their story. They deserved this. They deserved to be gone.

It was his mission-his duty to Eren. He would complete whatever was asked of him and nobody could step in his way. His skin seared against his body and his head felt as if it was on fire. He only saw darkness as Armin watched the red pool around his eyes.

The hands disappeared from his neck. His chest heaved as he struggled to return air to his body. Jean coughed and wheezed, his own hands laying powerless against the ground. Through cracked eyelids, the world around him lost the blurriness and grew strong again. The tightness around his neck eased slightly, though the burning remained.

Yells were let out around him as he finally saw Armin's arms fallen to the sides of Jean's head. Levi's blade was secured against Armin's neck, blood pouring from two stumps protruding from Armin's shoulders.

Jean's ears were ringing. He could barely make out what Levi and Armin were screaming at each other. All Jean could do was see the pure hatred settled deep within Armin's eyes and the genuine terror housed in Levi's.

Wheezing, Jean brought himself up, his legs flat against the ground as his hands clutched at his stomach. It hurt to swallow and his head pounded and it seemed as though even having a thought right now would kill him.

Hange rushed to his side, whispers trying to break through yet Jean still couldn't hear over the constant ringing. Water was brought to his lips and he struggled to take sips, the ache in his throat preventing him from relief. Between hacking and slowly trying to gain back his air supply, his hands shook.

All he could think was that it was official. Something was very wrong with Armin, and it was no longer a secret or hidden. It was evident... and if they didn't do something soon, he could kill them all.

--

"You doing okay kid?" Levi's voice broke through as he entered the tent, Jean wrapped tightly in his sleeping bag. Jean could only nod. He tried to talk earlier, yet his voice was raspy and Hange advised to save what he could and allow himself time to heal. Hange spared him the explanation of red prints embedded into his skin around his neck, deep yellow and purple bruises outlining themselves along the lines. They didn't have to tell Jean what it looked like. Jean could assume.

He could feel it. The sting of fingers flush against his neck, not caring who it was or why they were doing it. Only hoping to see the light disappear from eyes. Jean struggled to forget the look in Armin's eyes as the hardened eyes glared at him from above, tightening his fingers. His eyes were full of power. Not power held from a titan, or one of joy from a successful mission. It was a look of evil and hatred.

Jean had never seen that look before. Even when stopping Armin from hitting Floch, hsi eyes were full of annoyance and desire. Desire to hurt. It seemed as though this thing inside of him was growing. Stronger. Taking a wider range of fury. Holding him captive and becoming a force so dominant that Armin had no will to fight it. Giving it and letting it grow to become this beast to hurt.

Even as his neck ached and throbbed, Jean couldn't help but not blame Armin. He had never been attacked in such a nature, but even the betrayel from the blonde was left behind in the dusty ground. It wasn't Armin. He wasn't there, Jean was sure of it. He was out of control and he was replaced by this other thing. It wasn't his Armin.

His Armin had cuddled against him the other night. Had been shaking from nightmares. Would scream at Jean to come rescue a bug he found in the kitchen and cry if Jean threatened to kill it. Had been incredibly loyal to them all and wouldn't even think of hurting them, ever.

This wasn't his Armin. And he craved to see those light blue eyes back for one more moment and to feel his arms around him again and his warm presence and know that it was all a mistake. It wasn't him.

"He's tied up. Keep having to cut those arms off, bastard just grows them right back..." Levi spoke softly, his usual neutral face replaced by concern. The look comforted Jean. Levi was always loyal and cared for his comrades deeply, yet seeing it like this firsthand showed Jean exactly the lengths he was capable of going to in order to ensure safety amongst the ranks.

Levi snickered a little, scratching at his chin. "You were right." Jean's eyes widened in surprise. Levi coughed a little, sheepishly looking away. "Something is up with that kid. I've..." he paused, dropping his eyes in confusion. "I've never seen the kid act like that before. Especially not to one of us."

Jean hummed back, agreeing. It was odd to see Armin capable of unleashing such raw anger. He didn't even seem like he knew who he was. The darkness flooding his eyes made Jean's spine tingle with fear.

"We got him out of it that one time, you know?" Levi's voice grew lower, almost as if he was talking to himself and that Jean wasn't even there. "This time... his eyes, Jean." Levi gulped a little as his eyes watched Jean's with intent. Trying to ask a question on how to solve this mystery even when knowing he would be met with equal unawareness. "They aren't going back. It's like he's..."

Jean swallowed painfully, grimacing as it went down roughly. Wheezing, Jean choked out the only word on his mind, "stuck."

Levi gave a small smile and Jean saw the pain hidden beneath his hardened exterior. He flicked his hair back and gave a small shrug.

"Training is cut short, obviously." Jean suppressed a chuckle at this. "We'll head back in the morning, get you some tea and medicine from the infirmary wing."

Tears glazed in Jean's eyes as he opened his mouth, fighting through the coarseness. "Wh-what... will, y-you... do to him?" His words broke coming out, forced between wheezes and voice cracking consistently.

Levi was smart. He was a known captain and an amazing fighter. Jean had never seen a flash of hopelessness cross his face before. It vanished quicker than it appeared.

"We lock him up." Jean's face fell. Armin was getting locked up? Sweet, innocent Armin? Levi took note of how Jean's face paled, clearing his throat. "He's a threat right now."

Jean barely nodded, his eyelids heavy and the pain in his throat growing with each passing second.

Levi drifted back a few steps, fingers dancing along the flap of the tent, ready to make an exit. With a sigh, he turned around slightly, watching Jean's eyes find his own. Sympathy bright in his eyes, Levi pulled back the flap.

"You did good, Kirstein. Did your best." Levi looked away, gazing out into the darkening sky. "You caught in to this before we did, I'm sorry we failed you, kid." Jean gulped at the apology, cringing from the praise slightly.

"I..." Levi paused, looking deeply into Jean's eyes. The corners of Levi's mouth pricked up before his eyes drew in to the red marks pasted against his neck. "I'm proud of you, Jean." With that, Levi left the tent. Jean could only hear the chirps of insects outside and the rapid beating of his heart as he felt a few tears escape and flow down his cheek.

Chapter Text

It was all dark. Every corner he ran at was empty and the abyss grew with each powerful step forward. The blonde heaved and gasped for air as his lungs grew tired. He had to keep running. He could barely see it, a small image of light in the distance. It seemed as though he had been running for an eternity.

"Let me out!" Armin screamed into the dark. His fists pounded against the air, hoping to find some sort of wall or structure to cling to. Some sort of door to escape through. As the empty land stretched further his stomach lurched. There was no escape.

Screaming, Armin continued to race towards the beam of light. It looked like a dusty ground, with tanned skin hanging above. He couldn't catch the rest of the image, yet saw as red dotted around the skin. Gasped in horror as the image turned to staring at two stumps of blood and a hazy, distant glare of Levi's eyes in the image. The eyes almost pierced right through him, as if they could see his efforts to escape this dark prison.

"Please!" His legs ached more with each push, arms reaching out towards the light. "Stop all of this!"

The light dimmed and it was all fading. The darkness overwhelmed him and crawled up his legs. They couldn't move. He froze, completely solid. Stuck in the middle of the dark around him and watching as the light faded away to nothing.

"Please... someone... save me..." He croaked out, cheeks damp with tears, as he crumbled from the weight of the abyss and watched as the world turned to dark.

---

All Jean could do was reach at the collar of his shirt in efforts to pull it further up his neck. He couldn't see the damage. Yet after glaring at Levi long enough to cause the older man to take pity on him was he met with a true understanding of what he looked like.

Purple splotches coated his skin in the shape of a hand. Redness hadn't faded and was bright under the deep bruises. Each swallow and word burned. His voice was hoarse and cracked with each syllable.

Hange and Levi tried to not make it obvious. Their eyes tirelessly worked to not glance down at the disaster, but even Jean would see the sneak peeks they would take and how their eyes pooled with sadness at seeing the marks.

The ride back home was silent. Levi had requested that they ride out separately, him taking Armin's constrained body earlier in the morning and leaving Jean and Hange to pack up the rest of the camp and return back later. Jean wasn't stupid. It was evident Levi had done this to avoid the two interacting.

He had overheard Levi and Hange's conversation that morning. Apparently Armin was still trapped in this other being he was acting out as. His eyes still dark and gloomy, spitting out dangerous words to Levi. Levi had informed Hange it was taking every fiber of his being to leave the kid alone and only Hange's comfort of reassuring that Armin wasn't currently in control would subdue his anger.

It was odd. The times this had happened in the past, Jean recognized when Armin's eyes went back. When he became himself again. They consisted of fleeting moments, stretches of longer times where he was stuck in this daze of another being, but he always came back.

Fear bloomed throughout Jean at the thought of him being stuck. Of never seeing his light eyes again. Never hearing the joy and passion in his voice. Fear that he had truly lost the one person he found himself becoming closer to.

Still, as he approached back home, body rocking against the horse, he couldn't find himself to hate Armin. To want to punch at him back. He fought back to Eren numerous times, swinging back and hoping for it to land after toughing out punches for the other. His rage over his prolonged feud with Eren igniting the fire to do so. Now, he didn't think about attacking Armin back. There was no reason to.

Armin was broken. And it was Jean's new purpose to find him. To bring Armin back home to stay and to rid himself of the demons currently plaguing his mind.

Hopping off his horse, he stroked at the soft hairs coating its back. Sighing, he knew it was time to face the heat.

Jean wondered where Armin was placed. Levi had mentioned locking him up and Jean's heart almost could shatter at the image of Armin in shackles stuck beneath their rooms down below. Arms still missing, hatred in his eyes.

His thoughts were interrupted by his best friends running to see him. Connie and Sasha wore large grins as their feet pounded against the ground, arms open wide to welcome Jean home. Jean's smile grew as he took a deep breath. He was home again.

Connie suddenly paused and Jean froze, hands stretching up to pull up the neck of his shirt. Sasha's eyes widened and her mouth fell open as her eyes wandered around the deep swells of colors around Jean's throat.

"Holy shit..." Connie whispered, standing close enough to Jean for him to sink further into himself and pale at the realization. They knew. Of course they knew. It wasn't as if the colors were hidden. They stuck out against tanned skin as if calling for attention.

Jean gave a half-hearted wave, reaching up to play with the strands of hair dangling around his neck as he avoided their questioning stares. He felt so weak and their piercing gaze only proved how little he could be, even if towering over the two.

Sasha's heart plummeted, eyebrows shot up. "What the hell happened to you?" Her hand reached out to touch Jean who flinched slightly, not for fear of Sasha, but for embarrassment of what had happened. Anxiety tinted his ears pink as the thoughts of Armin's hands around his neck resurfaced and his hands shook at the fear of the reactions towards it.

"Jean, who did this?" Connie's tone was harsh, concern deep in his face and his feet dragging him closer to the taller boy. Jean felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand and goosebumps jumped out on his arms. He couldn't tell them. They'd hate Armin. They wouldn't understand.

But... they were his best friends. The people he relied on every day to complete missions, the two idiots he had grow up with. They had been together through everything. Perhaps... they'd understand.

Jean closed his eyes, wincing as words formed in his throat, as if they costed him every bit of energy he had left to spare, "It was Armin." A beat of silence rested heavily between the trio. The words sunk into their thoughts.

Sasha's gasp hit Jean's ears first, her hand raising to her mouth in shock. Connie's yell and curses flooded in after, his face beaming red in anger.

"You're lying, you have got to be joking!" Connie raged, eyes glaring at Jean. "Armin-our fucking Armin-he did this?"

Jean choked back a sob thinking of the lack of control Armin had. The fury in his eyes. The disregard for anything but causing pain.

"It... it wasn't him." Jean wheezed, throat scratching harshly. He shook his head, clearing his throat. "He wasn't in control."

"Like with Floch?" Sasha questioned, eyes not leaving Jean's bruises. Jean nodded quickly, trying to defuse Connie's anger. It didn't help as Connie's breathing came out ragged and his fists continued to clench harder.

"How do you know?" Connie asked, his lips tightly pressed to a line. Jean sighed, shaking his head.

"The eyes. They were dark blue, you know?" He paused as the pain in his neck grew from his talking. His voiec cracked and he smiled at Sasha faintly as she offered some water that was slung around her hip in a container. It was cool going down his throat, soothing the scratching pain. He ignored the ache it created as he swallowed and remained thankful for the brief relief regardless.

"Even if he was out of control, Jean, he could have killed you." Sasha said softly, hand reaching out to cup at Jean's forearm. Her skin wasn't as soft as Armin's, full of callouses and scars from years of being in the Scouts.

"I know that." Jean whispered, heart pounding. She was right. He could have died. If Levi hadn't came in when he did and saved the day, Jean would be a corpse. Dead at the hands of the boy he had spent wrapped around just before.

Connie bit his lip, searching around the camp. "Where is the bastard?"

Sasha's eyes found Connie's and glared at him. He threw his hands up at her and gestured to Jean's neck before narrowing his own eyes once again. Jean looked up, worried as the sight of Connie's clenched fists dawned on him.

"Locked up with Levi..." Jean began. He rose his hands in defense, voice cracking, "He wasn't in control, Con."

Jean could see all the hurt and anger in their faces, yet Sasha's grew soft as she took in Jean. No matter what happened, Jean still believed in Armin. The good in him. Continued to justify the bad, the complete horror that he had done. Jean remained pure and looked beyond it and only saw the passionate boy who cared about the sea and his people.

"So what! We're just supposed to let this go?" Connie's voice broke at the sentence and Jean saw as his eyes began to water. Jean took a step back and shielded his face with his hand sighing. Connie was right, it was ridiculous to ask his friends to justify this behavior too. "It was his hands, Jean. Maybe it wasn't actually him all there, but Armin hurt you."

Sasha rubbed her thumb against Jean's forearm, squeezing lightly. He peaked at her between a slit in his fingers. She nodded, while staring back at him.

"You... you like him." She didn't ask it, didn't yell it, or accuse him. It was a realization, a fleeting moment where she finally understood just why Jean wasn't fighting back or barking insults at Armin. Why he was so adamant about the boy not being aware of the injury he caused. Jean truly saw Armin as they have gotten to know him, not this monster who appeared in distant moments lately.

Jean immediately wanted to spit out refusals. Tell Sasha that she is insane and that her theory was bullshit. He couldn't like Armin, it was, well, Armin. He was annoying, talked a lot, cared too much for Eren, choked under pressure. Except, he couldn't. He had lost the will to fight his newfound feelings. Armin could talk a lot, but his stories were full of desire to learn more, eagerness laced in his voice as he explained what he had read and what the meanings may contribute to society. He cared for his friends and Jean's heart swooned at the thought of his undying loyalty, something he even burned to a crisp over for them. He choked under pressure... but ensured that Jean knew Armin was confident in his own abilities to lead and he trusted Jean... he made Jean feel that he could conquer anything.

Jean simply no longer could hide the fact that he did like Armin, wanted to figure out a pathway that was more than friends. He enjoyed being wrapped in Armin's embrace, touching the soft hairs on his head, staring into perfect, pure eyes.

He couldn't lie to his best friends. So, he didn't. A painful croak came out of him as he shuttered, a quick and fleeting agreement to the statement lost in the air as silence grew between the trio. The blunt honesty shocked them a little. It wasn't with softness, nor as a romantic admission—it was delicate. A truth spoken from a place deeper than wounds and betrayal.

"I like him, Sash. I know him. Our Armin. He's fighting something that isn't him, and we have to save him. If we all turn on him now... he's going to die." Jean lost his breath as each word stretched out over the pause between them. He begged for their help, hoping they would see his side. That Armin wasn't an enemy, but a pawn, and they had to do whatever they could to bring him back.

Sasha's hand flew to her cheek as a tear darted down. She laughed a little as she hadn't even noticed she was crying. "Okay, then we help him." Jean let out a huff of air in relief. Sasha's eyes cut over to him, daringly. "But... if he loses control again... you can't just protect him. We are Scouts, we protect the world around us. Even from Armin. If he's out of line, then... we do what we have to do."

Jean nodded slowly, processing her words. She had a point, Armin contained a vessel highly dangerous that was difficult for them to defeat. He held an immense power and if there was a chance that whatever this thing was that had control over him used it-they all could perish.

"If it comes to that, we do what it takes." Jean agreed, gritting through his teeth at the thought of having to take down Armin.

Connie groaned, rubbing his hands around his shaved head. "Damn, this is so messed up, man! Armin… It’s like the world doesn’t know who the hell it wants us to be anymore.”

“Then we decide that ourselves,” Jean said. “And we start by not giving up on our friends.”

Sasha sniffed, nodding. “Fine. But I swear Jean, if Armin even looks at you funny, I’m putting a potato through his window.”

Jean laughed, just once, and winced. “Deal.”

--

It was cold and stuffy as Armin yanked his hands against the chains. There was no telling how he got here. Last he knew, dust kicked around at his feet and the sun was rising above him. Perhaps his titan transformation had gotten out of control and they had to restrain him. Cancel the mission. Armin begged for reassurance that his blast radius didn't touch Levi or Hange, or worst of all, Jean. The thought of even hurting Jean made his stomach lurch and his fingers tightened, almost as if they knew something he didn't.

He recognized where he was, the small little basement beneath base that was secured for emergencies. For enemies. And Armin found himself residing just like that.

He paled at the realization that he could have lost control again. Done something terrible and awful and he couldn't remember any part of it. A sob erupted from his mouth at the idea, of hurting his friends and never getting to know why. Never being able to remember just what horror he caused.

The door to the basement creaked open as Armin's eyes widened. Steps echoed down the stairs and Armin couldn't move. His knees drew in closer to his chest, body appearing so small as his shoulders slumped deeper.

Mikasa appeared in front of him, bars separating between the two. Her features gazed at him sharply, taking in the blonde hair that was sticking to his forehead, the bloodshot eyes that glowed innocence, looking like the ocean water on a sunny day. His lips were chapped and he look so tiny in that cell.

She said nothing at first, only watching with her gaze. The silence pressed into Armin like a weight that would never be lifted from his shoulders. Armin couldn't find the strength to look up.

"What did I do..." he whispered, ears pounding as his words bounced around the room. Mikasa's fingers twitched and Armin could tell by the way she open and closed her mouth that her mind raced with the thoughts of if it was worth it to tell him the truth of what had happened.

"Don't lie, please." Armin begged, lips trembling as he met her eyes. They looked pained.

She swallowed the lump in her throat, steadying her gaze. "You hurt Jean."

Armin's breath caught in his throat. No. He couldn't have.

What had he done?

"It... we all know, it wasn't you." She added, voice soothing even as the information she provided rammed daggers into Armin. "But it was your hands, Armin."

Armin gulped and tears welled in his eyes and began to stream down his cheeks one by one. Hiccups rose in his throat as he coughed them away. He looked through blurry eyelids and prayed for everything to just stop and go away.

"Mikasa, please... I don't know what I did. I can't... I can't even remember." His voice cracked and her heart broke to see the state. He truly looked so shattered and while her arms wished to curl around his form, soothe the shaking away, and whisper to him reassurances, her feet stayed put.

Her hand touched at the bars in front of her, sliding down only a little. Armin searched her face for a hint of expression, though it remained unreadable. She was calm, not necessarily cold. Even Armin could sense the unease pouring out of her.

His voice cracked as he tried to fill the silence. "I can't fight it, Mikasa." He whispered, hands shaking as he clenched his eyes shut. In the dark, he saw flashes of what he had done, glimpses of fists thrown into another, sparks glittering around his body, a midnight walk. They seemed like someone else's memories, though Armin was smart enough to know this wasn't Bertoldt's experiences. It was still his own, created by himself, but in the form of another form of him.

"It just... shows up. Moments where I don't remember how I got there, people telling me things I have done that I can't imagine doing..." Armin's voice trailed off. Isolated from everyone, he was utterly alone. Nobody knew what was going on, let alone him. He had no idea why he was acting this way or what was provoking him to have these fleeting experiences that he couldn't recall.

Mikasa crouched to the ground, facing level with Armin. Her neck lacked her usual red scarf, something that nobody had seen her wearing recently. Not since before Marley. A part of her missing it seemed, though Armin thinking of Eren and the scarf made his heart stutter in his chest.

"I'm becoming a true monster, not from this titan, not from our experiences. I am the one. I am a monster." He croaked out, sobs echoing in his words as his chest heaved. His breathing erratic and vision blurry from the tears streaming down from his eyes.

"No," Mikasa said sharply, a hard look on her face. Armin opened his mouth to speak but was stopped as Mikasa continued. "You didn't choose this, whatever this is." Armin's shoulders slumped. She was wrong. Whatever was happening to him, it was out of his control. He had no way of knowing if he gave in to this power or not. He was lost.

"Armin." Mikasa gazed at him, watching each tear fall to the ground and his lip quivering. Her hand moved to go between the bars, reaching out for Armin's own. Widened eyes, Armin tentatively moved forward only a little,  hands constrained around him but his face leaning in to feel her touch. He hesitated, only inches away. What if he hurt her too?

Witnessing a smile from Mikasa that expressed pure comfort, Armin felt himself release an unknown, painful breath as his cheek finally rested upon her palm.

"You are still here. And you will continue to be. You will fight this... that is the difference. You aren't a monster, Armin. You are strong and we will fight whatever is happening to you, as a team."

Guilt rose in Armin at the words. He wasn't fighting anything. He had hurt Jean. The man who he had wrapped his arms around before in the night, the one who brought him out of horrid nightmares. The soft voice and pointed eyes that bore into his own and Armin had almost killed him.

"Jean could've died... because of me." His throat tightened at the thought. "I let this thing in. I am this thing. What if next time it's worse, then what?"

Mikasa shook her head to stop him but words continue to tumble out. "What if it's Connie next? Or Sasha? The captain... Hange... Mikasa... what if it's you? What if I lose control and-" Mikasa's thumb grazed his cheek, wiping at tears staining the redness.

"If it comes to that, then I'll stop you." She said abruptly, hand remaining gentle against his face. "Until that moment, Armin... I won't let go of you."

Armin could only stare back stunned. Her voice wavered slightly, "Eren's gone... we have each other. You are still trying. And that means I stay. Until the very end."

Armin didn't think his heart could shatter into more pieces but as he leaned his forehead down against the palm of her hand, he trembled. He let out whispers of apologies that died in the silence even though he knew they would never be enough. A battle plagued in his mind-the Armin he was and the new being he truly feared that would take over, a figment of his own life that he couldn't bare to become.

"Promise me, Armin. If it gets worse, you tell me. Tell us. Don't carry this alone, please." Her voice carried out strong as a tear slipped from her eye and cascaded down her cheek. Armin only nodded against her hand, the cool of her fingers comforting the heat of his forehead.

"I don't know how it comes to be." He whispered, trying to think back to anything that could be triggering his differences. Hearing no reply, he sighed. Perhaps Mikasa would figure it out with the others, using all their brains would be better than Armin's only for now. He was too damaged to do any good. He would only bring them down. He was worthless. A waste of space monster that was a danger to them all.

"I promise." He mumbled, ashamed to look her in the eyes. Terrified that she would truly see the monster he was now.

"Good." Mikasa said, as Armin raised his head, staring at the ground and avoiding her stare. "You aren't alone, Armin. Not anymore."

With a few brushes at the hair plastered to his forehead, Mikasa gave his cheek another rub with her thumb before she stood to her feet and left, carefully closing the door behind her and leaving Armin alone in the basement.

Chapter Text

Jean nibbled at the skin on the side of his thumb. His leg bobbed up and down as he sat at the end of his bed, a small chant erupting in the room from each tap of his foot against the floor. His throat throbbed in pain, though the tea soothed it earlier that day. Moonlight glowed brightly in from the window as stars twinkled in the sky.

His mind refused to stop racing. He had spent time in the hospital wing, told them he was alright, got some tea and medications and was instructed to take it easy for the day. Rumors through his friends confirmed Armin's location of the basement, chained up and seemingly, as told by Mikasa, no longer dangerous.

Obviously, it was a ticking time bomb. Armin could revert back any second, from unknown triggers, and become that thing again. This version of himself completely lost to power and desire to hurt.

Clearly, it was stupid. As he rose to stand up, he knew it was even more stupid. Maybe hanging around Connie and Sasha so much had finally affected him. Their idiocy was starting to rub off on him. His intellect would succumb to nothing. The thought made him shiver.

He battled with himself until he reached the door, hand grasping the knob and watching as it turned slowly. It creaked a little, probably due to little use.

It was dark as he peered down the stairs. The lantern in his hand illuminated the first few steps and as he took his first few hestitately, he was thankful for thinking to bring the light in the first place.

It smelled musty, old and abandoned. Jean wish it was empty, but the reality was worse as he looked through the bars to see a blonde folded into himself. Armin's eyes were closed as his chest rose up and down slowly.

The pillow his head rested on was flat and even though the one in Jean's room wasn't the most plush thing he's ever put his had down on, it was better than this. A raggedy old blanket was strung around Armin's hips as he laid on a small cot. Jean was shocked Armin could even find the peace to sleep right now.

It was weird. Looking at the person who the day before had wrapped their hands tightly against his neck that the evidence still remained. What was weirder was not feeling upset. Jean was unable to bring himself to feel anything but remorse for Armin. Sympathy for the moments he was losing under the control of something mysterious.

It was decided earlier that day that the supply of serum would be destroyed. For testing purposes, the vial Jean supplied Hange with beforehand was safe, residing in her office in a locked drawer. It was essential Armin didn't find it. Even with concerns, it was obvious his attachment to taking the liquid was like second nature for him. Armin craved the serum and Jean was determined that he wouldn't see another drop.

Armin looked at peace. No screaming, no nightmares, just sleeping. The light glowed softly against his features, lips slightly parted as he breathed, legs wildly flung around. Jean paused, questioning if it was worth it to wake him up.

Shaking his head, he knew that he had to go forward with what he planned to do. Have a conversation with Armin, prove to both of them that Armin-his Armin-was in control. To get him out of a cell... that was no way to live.

Clearing his throat, Jean rose his finger to the bar and knocked against it. The hits were faint, yet loud enough that it would have woken Jean up. Any small noises alerted him at this point, having to be aware of his surroundings at all times on occasion.

Armin didn't even stir. Jean let out a subtle laugh, thinking about the dreams Armin must be having to be in such a deep slumber.

"Armin." Jean whispered out, hoping to see movement from inside. Still nothing. Growing impatient, Jean rolled his eyes and sighed. Guess he would have to do this the hard way.

"Get up." Jean said, voice louder and even he winced at the noise amongst the quiet, eery basement. Finally, he witnessed Armin squirm a little, legs shifting against the cot and the blanket diving lower.

Armin groggily squinted and peaked through his eyelids. A figure was at the bars, tall, hairs stretching down to the base of their neck. It was hard to see in the dark and the lantern carried by them did little to assist him as it lit up the cell rather than the person there.

It didn't take long for Armin to realize that it was Jean. The height, the hair, the voice... it was all the confirmation he needed.

He swallowed loudly, or so he thought due to the silence around him. He didn't dare look up or try to meet Jean's eyes. He knew that Jean was aware he was awake now, but perhaps if he continued to look away, Jean would leave.

It wasn't that Armin wanted to avoid Jean. In fact, he would give so much to go back to the morning they woke up, tangled in limbs, questions swimming around their minds at what this meant. To feel Jean's hands playing in his hair again.

But that was before.

Before he attacked, before he hurt Jean, before he was a monster.

The aftermath was inevitable. Everything they created... anything they had learned and started to reach towards was gone. Armin was sure of it. He ruined any chance to discover more about whatever this connection was.

Joy was never meant for monsters.

"Armin, get up." Jean's voice was raspy as it cracked. It still hurt to talk but it was easy to push through as Jean thought of his goals. Save Armin.

Armin grimaced as he heard the hoarseness in Jean's voice. The sounds of pain were evident and Armin knew it was his hands who had caused it. His heart beat loudly against his chest as he stared up at the wall, still ignoring Jean and hoping he would leave.

Jean placed down the lantern to the floor, bouncing back up to grip at the bars with his hands. This was getting quite old. Narrowing his eyes, he watched Armin's body. "Get the hell up, Arlert. I know you are awake!" His voice boomed around the walls and he watched as Armin jump a little in surprise.

Armin groaned internally in defeat, eyes still trained to the ceiling above him. "Go away, Jean." His voice was soft and faint, like a child who had been scolded by a parent. He was cowering in the cot and his cheeks flushed red from embarrassment. He should be strong. Here he was, running away.

"No." Jean croaked. "I'm getting you out of here."

Armin turned at this, moving his gaze from the ceiling to the wall opposite of him. He refused to look at Jean as he worried he would see the evidence of his attack blatantly staring back at him. Being face to face with it, then everything would actually be real.

"You can't." Armin played with his fingers, watching the wall as if it was telling the best story. "I'm a monster."

Jean rested his forehead against the bars, eyes panning down to the floor. "No," he mumbled, knowing Armin would hear even with how faint it was. "You aren't."

"I'm a danger." Armin's voice grew, frustration evident. He was a monster. Why couldn't Jean see that? Why did Jean want to get him out of the cell when that was the only thing keeping him away from hurting someone else?

"No-" Jean coughed and Armin took it as an opportunity to interrupt.

"I can turn at any moment. Become a creator of destruction. That's danger. Don't be stupid, Jean." Jean could hear the torture in Armin's words. It hurt him that Armin believed such things about himself.

In such a small amount of time, Armin was convinced he was endangering everyone. That it was better to be locked away and miserable. Jean paled at the thoughts, even as his throat throbbed.

"You're a good man, Armin."

"What is good?" Armin questioned, eyebrows tight and fingers closing into a fist. "I've killed numerous people. Destroyed homes. Ruined families. If that's good..." he trailed off, thinking back to everything he had done. Exploding the port, watching bodies crumble under falling pieces of their homes. Killing a woman point blank to protect Jean. Manipulating anyone who dared step in their way. He was never good. This is what he has always been.

"There is no light in me, Jean. Only echoes of what I might have been, drowned by the choices I made. I don't believe I can be good, because whatever good was in me died long ago."

Jean paused. "Armin... you are not the worst thing you’ve done."

Armin could only laugh in response. It was ridiculous, laughing at Jean's attempts to reassure him. The words should have made an impact, but they only flew right beyond Armin. It didn't matter what Jean said-nothing would change his mind.

Silence filled the room. Neither boy could find the words to say. Jean glanced at the keys on the wall, far from the bars and away from reach of Armin. Jean could grab them, free Armin. Get him back in his best, feeling comfort, and maybe guide him to a safe haven in his thoughts.

"Come on, I'm getting you out."

Armin's fingers jumped at the thought of being back in his own bed. The mattress would be like a cloud compared to the roughness of the cot he was on. A pillow that was worth more than a sheet, a blanket that didn't stink of mold. It all crashed down. Getting out would mean losing control.

"I'm not safe." Armin was quiet, his words uncertain. He couldn't control himself anymore. He could hurt Jean again, hurt them all. He was best kept in the cell, far away.

Jean gazed at Armin's hand. It vibrated in anxiety, the shaking flickering the light around the wall from the cast of his shadow. Gulping, Jean let his heart speak. "You can be safe... you'll be safe with... me." He choked out the last word, tears pricking at his eyes.

Armin froze. His heart stammered at the passion from Jean. The taller man so convinced he could save something so broken. He knew jean wasn't lying. Jean wanted to keep him safe. Perhaps... Armin could let him.

"Please... Armin," Jean bit his lip, holding back tears. "Would you at least look at me?" It was squeaked out, voice hoarse from the talking he had done and pain not only in his throat now, but in his soul from the pain of the blonde laying small against the cot.

Armin's lip trembled. He shifted up, his legs folded into his arms. Head down, staring at the darkness in his legs. Here it was safe. There was no obvious image of the damage he was capable of causing. There was peace in the darkness and he could forget everything.

"Please!" Jean's voice broke as tears poured from his eyes, hands gripping tightly against the bars, resulting in his knuckles turning white. Hearing the strain, Armin's head slowly rose.

There it was. Purples, yellows, and browns. Red. So much red. The outlines of fingers and the pattern of bruising around them. The marks were bold, loud compared to the tan skin. Small hands wrapped around.

Armin gagged immediately, quickly turning his head and rushing to his feet as he made it to the corner of the cell before the last meal he ate came up. Wiping at his mouth, his hand rested along the wall, arm extended from his shoulder, chest heaving. His ears rang and his eyes blurred.

Pinching at his nose, he turned around once again. Jean didn't move, didn't shift his face in any type of way. He only stared. Armin could barely find the energy to look at him back, eyes zoomed in on Jean's neck.

Jean almost expected Armin to run back to the cot. Throw his head in his hands, ignore every other word Jean said until he gave up and left. Leaving him back to rot in his pit of dark, hopeless and alone.

Armin didn't do this though. He just stared at the wounded flesh. Jean took note of the pleasant feeling of looking into such familiar eyes, even if they didn't want to meet his gaze. Blue like the sky, the sun shining bright. Blue like the crashing waters of the ocean, glittery under the rays. Armin's blue.

The guilt swirling in the eyes was clear. Disgust, not at Jean, but at himself. For doing such a horrendous act. For causing such pain.

“I didn’t mean to,” Armin said in a voice so small it barely existed.

“I know.”

“No, you don’t.” Armin finally looked up—and Jean wished he hadn’t. His blue eyes were red-rimmed, hollow, as if someone had scooped out his soul and left a shell behind. “You should hate me. I... I could’ve killed you. My hands…” He stared at them in horror, like they were foreign limbs attached to someone else.

“You weren’t yourself,” Jean said.

“But I still did it.”

Jean nodded to himself, before slipping a hand off the bar, his fingers twitching from the relief. With a surge of hope, he slipped his hand threw the bar, fingers dancing around in the dark space, reaching out for Armin. Armin didn't move, but his eyes shifted to watch at the dangling hand. “You think I don’t know the difference between you and whatever this thing is taking over your mind?”

Armin flinched at the exposure. It was vulnerable, speaking out loud about this new crisis.

Jean pressed on. “You think I didn’t feel it? That moment... when your fingers were on my throat, and I looked in your eyes, and it wasn’t you? I know you, Armin.”

Armin’s lips trembled. “It's inside me, Jean. It's in my head. Everything just goes dark and then it's like... complete power. An urge to just, I don't know..." He paused, thinking back to each time he feel sthe wave come across him. "To hurt. To inflict such terror on anything in my way from..." his voice trailed off as something in his brain clicked.

To do this all for an order. There was a purpose. A reason behind the pain. Why he wanted to do such horrible things.

The realization died in excitement as Armin couldn't piece together what the order was. He had no memories of the purpose, only the newfound knowledge that there was on.

"To follow an order. Like, if I don't act, I'll lose everything.” He clutched his temples like he could rip whatever was happening out with his nails.

Jean sighed, flexing his hand out again in hopes that Armin might just reach back. To feel his fingers graze his flesh. The warmth craddling him. “It's not going to win.”

“I already let it.”

“No,” Jean said, firmer. “It hurt me. But you’re the one crying in a cell about it. That matters.”

Armin’s breath hitched, the dam behind his eyes threatening to burst again. “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” His eyes stared at the floor, losing the desire to see whatever Jean was feeling flash across his face. Terrified of knowing what was to come.

“I am,” Jean whispered. “I’m terrified.”

Armin stared up, meeting Jean's eyes. They glimmered as tears threatened to meet the others and fall down his cheek. Armin paled from the response, feeling as though his heart was crashing down.

Jean continued, “Not of you. Of losing you.”

For a long time, neither of them spoke. Inside, a battle raged between them—Armin fighting something that wasn’t his, Jean holding on to someone who could shatter at any moment.

Finally, Armin stepped forward, body coming close to the bars in front of him. Taking a deep breathe, he reached up his hand. Fingertips grazed the ends of Jean's, before grabbing on. Holding hard, yet comfortable. Holding on for life. As if everything depended on the future of their hands being joined together. “If I lose to it… If I become something I can’t come back from...promise me you’ll stop me.”

Jean didn’t flinch. “Only if you promise me you’ll keep fighting not to become that.”

“I promise,” Armin said, voice trembling but real.

Jean squeezed his hand, slow and careful, as if he could squeeze away every shadow inside him. Every demon plaguing the blonde's mind. “Then we’ll make it. One day at a time.”

With that, he released his hand. Stepping to the side, clinks echoed around the room as Jean gripped at the key laid against the wall. With a swift movement, Jean unlocked the cell door. Armin's eyes widened in fear, taking a few steps back at the thought of freedom.

"You're you." Jean stuttered, stepping closer, his feet making their way through the opened cell door. His arms reached out hestitantly, watching as Armin hugged himself. Doubt flooded the room.

Closing the distance, Jean sighed in relief as he wrapped his hands around the blonde's smaller frame. Armin's arms stiffened at his sides before slowly reaching out and closing around Jean's back. Their bodies held each other close, flushed together. Jean reached his hand up to Armin's hair, stroking through it.

"I will never let you forget it. You are you... we'll get through this together." His words died out as a sob erupted from the blonde, shaking against Jean's body.

"I'll tell you, every day if I have to." Leaning back, Jean's hands moved up, closing in on reddened cheeks, wiping away streams of tears. Gazing into the most beautiful eyes, Jean smiled.

"I'll make sure you always make your way back home, Armin."

Chapter Text

What had been pleasant was the feeling of a plush pillow under his head, a thicker blanket wrapped around him, and the musty smell replaced by the comfort of his own room. Anything would beat the darkness of the cell around him, the loneliness eating at him as he was stuck in his thoughts about what he did. Trying to process newfound information of remembering there was some purpose, a bigger picture, to all of this. If only he could remember what.

The peace quickly dwindled as stares watched him carefully, lingering moments too long, flashes of distrust and fear present on the face of each person he passed. It was hard to tell if it pained him more to see Levi's gaze consistently analyzing his every move or Connie's glares from afar.

Those he didn't know for years avoided him, as Armin would catch the ending of a hushed conversation between his comrades only to be halted quickly as he sped by. They were about him, they were always about him anymore. Speaking on how he was out of control, was going to kill them all in their sleep, theories that he was a secret double agent who was working with Marley to destroy their home. Armin hoped to find it all ridiculous, yet he lacked the will to fight the theories. Their guesses were as good as his.

Therefore he stuck close to the shadows. His world paused as everyone else proceeded to move forward. A true pawn, stuck to do the bidding and facing the consequences.

Armin was not allowed to attend training, as Levi was sure there could be something to trigger an outburst. He resided in his room for hours, flipping through paperwork and brainstorming new plans and ideas. Using his mind was a confident strength and even if he was to be banished to closed quarters, it was best he was able to continue doing something to support everyone else.

Saving the trouble of causing a scene, Armin quietly ate his breakfast and lunch in his room, only leaving to brave the halls as necessary. Mikasa was kind enough to deliver the meals, though Armin was convinced she came around more to provide human interaction than food. He was thankful regardless. She was one of the few people who didn't look at him like a cold-hearted killer. Almost as if she was trying her best to understand what was going on in his head.

It was numbing, but was structured in a way Armin felt safe. Wake up, eat, do paperwork, work on battle plans, fight off any creeping feelings that tingled in his body. This was his new normal. He assumed tomorrow would be the same.

After hours of being tucked away in his room did a pounding knock come. He assumed it was Mikasa, perhaps with dinner as time escaped him as he flipped through the pages of a new book he uncovered. The sun was setting and the moon was beginning to ascend in the sky. It was much later than he thought. It didn't sound like the feathery knocks she usually did, but maybe she was growing tired of being the delivery woman. Once again, it was Armin's fault to be a burden on others.

The knocks persisted and he groaned as he got up from his bed, stretching out his aching legs from being cramped in the same position for the day.

"I'm coming!" Armin called out, wrapping his hand around the knob and cracking open the door. He jumped back a little in surprise as his gaze lowered, expecting a taller person, yet being met with the hardened eyes of Levi.

"Hange needs you, kid." Levi said bluntly, voice uninterested. Armin nodded as ran his hand through his hair, hoping to look somewhat presentable as he would leave his room after hours. Levi looked him up and down before scoffing, noticing the wrinkles in his shirt and the hole in his old pants that Armin would only wear when he knew it was a calmer day. "Change, will you?" Armin only sputttered and nodded again.

Levi turned to leave before glancing back at the blonde, his face crimson as heat rushed through his cheeks at his appearance.

Levi felt his reserve soften. None of this was in Armin's control, he understood that. He knew the pressure the kid put on himself to be something and experiencing all of this and never remembering it, would be soul-crushing. With a huff of air, Levi opened his mouth to speak, voice quieter than before with a hint of sympathy laced in. "Nobody blames you."

Armin's head snapped up at the words, having assumed Levi had wandered off to wherever he was required to be next. His eyes searched Levi's own, trying to shake the looks he gave him earlier of constant inspection and words replaying over and over in his head.

"I do." Armin gulped, eyes latched to Levi's. Levi only rolled his eyes and Armin wanted to scream at it. Levi had no idea how it felt. To lose yourself to something so unknown. To be a monster. "The looks on all the faces... they all do."

"Who gives a shit what those brats know." Levi thought of their incapabilities on the battlefield, the frustration in watching the future of the Scouts land in the dirt repeatedly during training. Their poor grades and lack of attention in battle plans. They weren't half the recruits that Armin was.

"Armin, you are too brilliant to write yourself off for acting out of control. Cut the shit and use your mind, you'll get through this." With a subtle motion of his head, Levi turned and left Armin to stand speechless in his room.

The look in Levi's eyes wasn't hatred, but reassurance. Armin spent the last day convincing himself he was a monster, completely unworthy of anything good. But the look in the eyes of his Captain, talking of Armin's brilliance...

Armin's heart skipped a beat and for a fleeting moment, a wonderful, breathless second... Armin almost believed him.

--

Jean rubbed at his temples as he processed Hange's words. Mikasa's face fell next to him and all he could think of was how this could even happen.

"It's a control agent." Hange explained, a sample of the blue serum attached to a slide. "I didn't think it would work, but I injected it into a test subject. It went crazy, super aggressive and it was like the personality completely altered. If we had the accurate testing... I'm sure it would change the wiring of the brain... perhaps we could-" Hange paused, a smile on their face as they pondered next steps in the research.

A haste grunt from Levi silenced Hange's thoughts before straying too far. With a sheepish grin, Hange continued. "I'm assuming there is a trigger, something that is making him act out." Jean watched in confusion. Turning to face him, Hange signaled with their hands. "He isn't aggressive the entire time from the serum. It's periodic... hence the trigger theory." They paced around the table, continuously restless in the name of science, moving to jot down ideas on a notepad.

"How do we figure out the trigger?" Mikasa mumbled, deep in thought.

Hange groaned quickly, pushing their glasses up to the top of their head. "I don't know."

"He doesn't remember anything about it." Jean added, thinking back to his questioning of the serum.

Hange looked up, tapping at their chin. "He doesn't remember these episodes. Always is confused after-"

Jean cut in, voice weak and mind racing. "It's like he disappears and wakes up from a nightmare he only wants to forget."

Hange threw a small smile approvingly at the observation. Jean felt his heart swell with pride at the acknowledgement, even if it was under poor circumstances.

“Clearly he’s not completely gone,” Hange said, voice tight with urgency. “Which means we can still figure this out... and save him. But we have to find out who gave him that serum.”

Jean cursed under his breath. “Armin said he got it from some doctor, could have been in Marley."

Levi's eyes hardened. "No, it can't." Jean's head snapped over to the Captain, whose eyes stared at the slide. "There's no doctors around here. Armin wasn't there unsupervised enough to meet with some doctor."

Hange released a short chuckle in agreement. "He wouldn't stop finalizing battle plans long enough to do that."

Jean nodded, questions swirling in his mind. It could have been anyone. "Could be someone inside the Corps. Maybe one of the new recruits. We’ve let in people from all sides after Marley fell.” His words fell flat as Levi opened his mouth in disagreement.

"None of these lousy recruits are smart enough to craft this." Mikasa hummed in consensus.

For once, they had gotten somewhere. Realized what the serum was doing, that it was the problem. It wasn't Armin acting out, he was being drugged. It truly wasn't him. Jean paled at the thoughts, thinking of how Armin was convinced he was a monster. That he deserved to be locked up. That he was truly a weapon of destruction.

It pained Jean that Armin felt this way, and it became difficult to hold down his own rage at the idea of someone controlling Armin for their benefit. He decided in that moment that as soon as they figured out who did this to him, that they would pay. Justice would be served. Armin deserved that.

Levi narrowed his eyes. “There are too many variables. And whoever it was... if they could convince him to take something.... it means they’ve earned his trust.”

The thought struck Mikasa hard. Armin, always the skeptic, always the thinker. Who could’ve slipped past those defenses?

"Unless, they did it without him knowing." Hange said. Jean sighed in frustration. Nothing was adding up.

There wasn't a time where Armin was alone. Armin had been with them on the mission to Marley, drunk in the tent with all of them, back home, blew up the port, joined them and returned home with notable people by his side. No moment in time stood out to Jean with a clear gap for someone to do this.

A knock on Hange's office door startled Jean, who jumped a little at the noise. He blushed as Mikasa flicked a knowing eye over him, not being startled herself. He was alerted from any small noise, but that got him? Embarrassing.

Armin cracked open the door slowly. Mikasa looked at the dark circles under his eyes, the apprehensive way his eyes avoided dragging up to look at the face of anyone in the room.

"You requested me, Commander?" His voice was small. All the confidence he developed over the years in the Scouts drowning in one moment. Almost as if he was afraid that any wrong movement would cause him to snap and become that monster he was beginning to fear. One that he had no will over.

"Armin! Yes, come in." Hange's voice leaked false positivity, though they tried their best not to show it. Armin, as intuitive as ever, saw right through it. They had fear. Fear of the unknown, perhaps, just like him. Questions of when the next trigger would occur that would send him over the edge again. Trembling at the thought it could be them next.

His eyes widened a little at Levi, Mikasa and Jean's presence in the room. His shoulders slumped and his body went rigid.

It's a safety measure. Of course. Keeping the Commander safe by enlisting some of the strongest soldiers in the Scouts, anyone to be aware of Armin's actions and out him down if needed. A faint heat bubbled in his stomach at this, images flashing in his mind of a blade sticking to his throat and Hange's bloody corpse motionless on the ground.

They would always be extra careful around monsters before... he was no exception.

"Where did you get this medication?" Hange asked, holding up a small tube of blue serum. Armin's hand immediately shot out at it, attempting to grasp it. Hange swiftly moved it behind their back, clutching it so hard in their hand that their knuckles turned white.

"Hey!" Armin shouted, stuttering his feet around to try to get a better angle to secure the serum. "How'd you get that? That's mine!" Before he knew it, his arms were hoisted behind his back, Levi's body close to his. He struggled for a few moments before the immediate desire to acquire the liquid wore off. His mouth was dry, but he couldn't figure out why.

"Where's it from, Arlert." Levi said, voice close to Armin, making the hairs on his neck stand up tall. Armin shook his head.

"A doctor." That's all he could remember. He knew a doctor gave it to him, for nightmares, and to take it. His mind raced at knowing that he didn't take it today. His heart sunk. How could he forget? It was in his bag, in his room. Gulping nervously, he promised himself to inject it when he got back to his room. Then everything would be fine.

"That's not true, Armin." Mikasa ushered out, eyes glued to the tight grasp Levi had on him. She stood protectively, ready to back up Armin if Levi went too far. Levi's eyes watched her, almost like a challenge. To try to break up his hold on the blonde.

"It is! It's for my nightmares!" Armin called out, voice cracking a little. It was weird. The thought of the serum being taken away from him... terrified him. He relied on this medication and it made him feel safe. Honestly, it made him feel strong. Without it... he would be broken again. His eyes grew wet. He refused to be the weak one again.

"Please..." He croaked, head hanging down limply. "Please, I need that medicine, Hange. Don't do anything to it."

Jean could only witness it all in shock. Sure, Armin used that serum all the time. But it didn't seem like he was reliant on it. Until now. His concern over the loss of the serum was frightening, causing anger to fester greater in Jean.

Whoever did this, convinced him that it was good for him. Made him crave the medicine. They created a system for Armin to become heavily dependent on this mystery to feel secure... all while destroying himself in the process.

Feeling his ease, Levi released Armin's arms. Armin's body shook slightly and his skin felt itchy. Everything seemed wrong.

Tears sprung from his eyes and fell down his cheeks. "What's happening to me?"

Jean frowned. He sounded broken. All Jean wanted to do was wrap Armin in his arms and stroke his hair, telling him nothing could hurt him anymore. That they would figure this all out. Ensure him that no matter what happens, he would be okay.

"It's poisoning you." Levi replied bluntly, body remaining near Armin's in case he had to jump to restrain him again. Armin choked out a sob, a hand moving to tug at his hair. Immediately, Jean shot his hand out. Grabbing the hand stuck in blonde strands, Jean held it. It wasn't loving, nor was it beautiful.

The hold was... safe. It was tight enough to feel steady. Something for Armin to ground himself with. Armin looked up, ignoring the bruising on Jean's neck, staring into his honey eyes.

"You're okay..." Jean mouthed out, voice not audible. Armin mustered up the strength to nod his head before his eyes reached the floor once more.

"We're going to figure out what is triggering you. Until then... we need you to tell us everything you know. Anything you can remember. Details, dreams, any sort of information is critical, Armin." Hange's eyes scanned the notepad. "I took notes from the training when..." Their eyes flashed to Jean's neck before retreating back to the pad. "Any new information is vital for helping you."

Armin grunted in response. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think back. Everything was cloudy, like those moments were blank and the rest of the time he had been living in a haze. He truly couldn't remember.

He glanced up in shame, "I... I don't know, Commander." Hange only nodded, placing down the notepad.

"Today has been a lot. We'll ponder this tomorrow." Jean squeezed at Armin's hand, rubbing his thumb along his skin. Armin pulsed back and Jean found comfort in knowing that his Armin was still here. "You are dismissed, Armin." 

As Jean went to give Armin's hand back to him, Armin turned to face Jean. "Come with me?" He whispered, keeping a firm hold between their hands. Jean looked over at Hange, whose eyes were focused on the slide of serum, before seeing Mikasa nod out of the corner of his eye.

"Sure." Together, the two left Hange's office, even though Jean knew he would have to return to it shortly.

The door closed behind the two with a soft click, muffling voices from inside. Armin bit his lip, knowing they were still talking about him. It shouldn't surprise him, for he had been the topic of conversation for everyone today. He paused outside the door, motionless, staring ahead as if the walls themselves were still speaking to him.

He spoke first, though his voice was hardly above a whisper. "It isn't me."

Jean reached out, touching Armin's bicep. He felt Armin tense under the touch, flinching as if Armin thought he would cause more damage to Jean. For a moment, Jean almost withdrew his hand. But he didn't. He trusted Armin, and Armin wouldn't hurt him again. It didn't matter anyway... this was his Armin.

"You know, I've been saying that." Jean chuckled, trying to fill the air with something light. Armin only glanced up, saying nothing. Jean could have sworn he saw the corners of Armin's lips briefly flip up.

"I... when I get like that... rage fuels me. Anger deep inside of me and all I see is just, complete red." Armin muttered, hand still clenching Jean's. Jean only continued to run his thumb along it, encouraging Armin along. "It's nice, you know?" His eyes flicked up before falling again. "To know, it's the serum. Not me. But I crave it. Hell... I want it right now." He rubbed at his forehead with his free hand, eyebrows knit close together. "It always felt like me. I thought it was because... it felt like all the worst parts of me finally stopped hiding."

Jean froze, thumb halting. "That's what it wants you to think. That you’re just angry. Just broken. That it’s all you.” He tilted his head, watching Armin’s profile. “But it’s not,” he added, quieter. “We know who you are. I know who you are.”

Armin slowly slipped his hand out from Jean's. With a hopeful gleam in his eye, he quickly wrapped his arms around Jean's torso. Jean immediately responded, arms finding a spot around Armin's shoulders. His hand flew up to cradle Armin's head, fingers laced with blonde hair. 

A short laugh from erupted from Armin, sharp and reluctant. He exhaled, the sound catching in his throat. “You’re taking this better than I expected.”

“I had time to think,” Jean said, head leaning down so his chin rested on the top of Armin's head. His fingers danced in Armin's hair, playing with the undercut and thinking back to when Armin's hair was so long it touched his shoulders. Maybe he was biased... but the short hair did well to frame Armin's features. He appeared mature, grown.  “Been watching you fall apart for days, trying to figure out if it was you, or something else. I’m glad we finally have an answer. Even if it’s not a good one.”

He paused, then finished, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Armin moved his head back, eyes searching Jean's as if trying to confirm he was telling the truth. A long pause filled the hallway. Like a dam cracking open, he spoke. “I didn't like you, you know. Back in training, in the early days. Thought you were loud, selfish, arrogant.”

“I was,” Jean said, with a shrug.

Armin smiled. “All the fights with Eren. I thought you only cared to stir issues." He shook his head, leaning back into Jean's chest. "But then something changed. Quickly. Almost overnight, you were always around. I started noticing things. How you always put yourself in harm’s way for others. How you stopped trying to be the hero and just… became someone people could count on.” His voice grew softer. “I started needing you around. And I didn’t understand why.”

Jean’s heart fluttered deeply in his chest. He took a breath.

“You weren't my favorite person either. I thought you were weird, following Eren around. Until I realized... it was because you cared. You were worried about keeping him safe, maybe the way he did for you." He bit at his lip, tighting his hold against the hairs flush against his hand. "You held the whole damn team together for years. I got to see the real you, talk with you, fight with you. You've saved me more times than I can count, Armin. So... yeah... of course, I’d be concerned when you weren’t acting like yourself.” He puffed out his cheeks, pink tinting them. With a gulp, he stared at the wall again. “I realized it wasn’t just that. It wasn't concern over a comrade. It was... I was worried about... you.”

Armin’s throat tightened. “Even like this? Even with something inside me I can’t control?”

“Especially like this,” Jean said. “You’re still you. The part of you that fights to stay human—that’s stronger than whatever is in your veins.”

The tension in Armin’s shoulders eased, if only slightly.

“I’m scared,” he admitted.

Jean nodded. “Me too.”

The two stood together, wrapped in a strong embrace. And for a brief moment, neither of them was a soldier. Neither of them was being hunted or manipulated. They were just two people in the quiet, clinging to something honest.

Armin pulled his head back hesitatantly. Jean's dipped down, leaning closer to Armin's face.

His heart skipped a beat and he couldn't process what he was doing. All Jean knew was that his eyes only saw one target-Armin's lips.

Armin tensed, biting at his lip. He watched as Jean's face drew in closer, eyes darting from his eyes to pink lips that were slowly parting as they closed in distance.

They were so close, both pausing as their faces remained inches apart. Jean gulped, eyes flashing up to Armin's. They didn't look scared. If anything, excitement pooled around them. With a burst of confidence, Jean slowly began to continue to close the distance. Their lips neared each other, both pairs of eyes closing and heartbeats pounding loudly out in the quiet of the hall.

With a jerk of the door, the two sprung apart. Their chests heaved as they caught their breath, at what almost happened, of what could have become of them. Levi stood with a watchful gaze as he glanced between the two, cheeks stained red and eyes scanning the walls in fascination.

"Time for bed, don't you think." Levi grunted out, before walking down the hall. Armin's hands shook and Jean nodded quickly at the Captain. Flashing a small smile at Jean, Armin began to walk down the hall. His heart was racing and his face was on fire. They had been so close. Armin could smell him, the pine-like smells, ones of hard-work and he could see the lights of the hall glinting against tan skin. The image of lips nearing in close. Pink, lush, full.

"See you tomorrow, Jean." He said, though his voice wavered. Jean muttered out goodnight, embarrassed. He stood in the hall watching Armin walk away, thinking of what just happened.

He almost kissed Armin. He didn't feel ashamed. He wasn't upset that it almost happened. He was frustrated it didn't. Annoyed that those pink lips now sketched into his mind, being so close, were taken from him.

Next time. There would always be a next time.

Armin continued down the hall, trying to calm down his breathing. This was ridiculous. Not only had he just tried to piece together his feelings towards Jean, he found out he was being manipulated from a medication he remembers close to nothing about. How his life got to be such a mess, he didn't know.

He missed back when things were easier. When he would sit in the lap of his grandfather, who read him stories. Stories of another world. Of the waters, clear as the sky, and of mountains taller than the eye could see. Where he raced around to tell Eren and Mikasa what he learned.

Nothing was complicated then.

With an exhale of breath, Armin laid his forehead against the door to his room. He stood, trying to convince himself everything would end up alright. That all he needed was a good night of rest and to figure it out tomorrow. That is... if his brain would shut off.

His hand was clammy as it rested against the knob to the door, struggling to turn it. When he peered in the room, he was confused to instantly see a lantern on his desk. He hadn't lit one beforehand, the sun still peaking in through windows to give him sight before he went to Hange's office.

Furrowing his eyebrows, he stepped in the room, turning to close the door. Moving back around, his heart stopped. He stood frozen, eyes glued to the bed. There was something he hadn't seen before he left. Or rather... someone.

Laying in Armin's bed, hands behind their neck and eyes diving deep into Armin's soul, was a figure.

His body began to shake in... fear? Terror? Excitement? Relief? He couldn't quite tell.

Armin's mouth grew dry, eyes wide. "...Eren?"

Chapter Text

"Eren?"

The name dropped from his mouth like a stone into still water. Eren didn't move. Just sat there, elbows on knees, hands clasped loosely. He looked older. Tired. But his eyes—those same piercing eyes Armin had known since they were kids—were sharp as ever.

If a heart could fall beneath the core of the world, Armin was sure his did. His body fell back to the closed door behind him. He could feel the tremble in his fingers, working down to the shaking of his knees. It felt as though the air in his lungs voided, his mouth agape.

"You came back?" Armin whispered, heart racing. "Where have you—? We thought—"

"You don’t remember what happened the last time we saw each other," Eren interrupted.

It wasn’t a question.

Armin blinked, confused. "We were fighting in Marley. Supposed to go to the boat. I went to find you. I woke up and... you were gone."

Eren shrugged on the bed. Armin could swear he saw a satisfied smirk tracing Eren's lips. In a blink, it was gone. It must have been imagination.

Eren shook his legs out, leaning up and standing. He was taller now, broader. Standing before him was no longer the boy Armin had fought beside. All the memories seemed vacant from Eren as his eyes appeared dull. The light in them vanished months ago, yet Armin was stunned to see it so clearly.

The older man's build was not what had made Armin take a step back, body pressed tightly against his door. It was the way Eren was looking at him. Calm. Purposeful. Like he had a plan. That Armin was there to be in this grand scheme. Like he already knew what was going to happen.

"Sit down, Armin." His voice was soft. Even with the friendly twinge in his tone, the words cut through the room with a weight. Armin shuttered at how cold he sounded. He didn't want to obey the order. He wanted to make himself small, hug the door. Part of him was clueless. He couldn't fathom why.

Why was he afraid of his best friend? Was it the time that had past? Resentment for being abandoned for months? Having to cover and defend him... watching as others began to question Eren's motives.

The shaking of his body refused to stop. While his mind begged him to hold strong, stay against the wall, his body refused. He found his legs beginning to head towards a chair against the desk.

With timid hands, the wood scrapped against the ground. Armin suddenly found himself sitting, knees buckling involuntarily. His mouth ran dry.

What was happening?

Eren came closer, small steps closing in on the space between them. Slowly. Almost gently. As if trying to prove his loyalty. Armin was smart enough to see the coldness in piercing green eyes. To watch as Eren's mind raced with what calculated move would fit best. This wasn't the Eren he knew. Everything was measured. Each step, each flex of his fingers, the way his eyes lazily glanced around the room.

It broke Armin's heart all in the same.

"You don’t remember what I did to you," Eren said. "And I didn’t expect you to. Hell, you won't remember after this conversation. But it's important to me that... you understand something now. I need you to know that this has a purpose. That you have a reason. What we’re doing. what I made you into—is necessary."

Armin's jaw clenched. His eyes stared deeply into Eren's. "What did you do to me?"

Eren looked down at him. Eyes sorrowful. Almost as if he regretted whatever was happening. It all disappeared quickly. Replaced by a distant stare that even when meeting Armin's eyes, he was almost unrecognizable.

"I unlocked your mind. The way Marley unlocked the Titans, you know. I discovered my power. And I intended to utilize it."

He crouched so they were eye-level. His knees didn't crack. No scars littered his body. He looked completely brand new. His shadow loomed long behind him, stretching to the door like a dark tether. As if to keep Armin aware-he was limited. Eren, meanwhile, was limitless. To ensure that Armin knew that no matter what, Eren held all the power in the world.

"You've already been used a few times. Not... exactly to my liking. Not of my orders." Eren scoffed, looking away. Armin bit at his lip, toe lightly tapping against the ground. "They don't understand you, the way I do. I know what you are. I know what you will become, Armin."

Armin’s pulse raced, beating loudly in his ears. "No." It came out a whisper. Mind racing. Flashes of blue crowded his vision and his eyes scanned down his arm. The injections. The serum. Specific words. Uncontrollable actions. Ones that he couldn't recall after.

"I would know. I would know of something happening to me!" Armin called out, lifting slightly in his seat. He plopped down quickly after seeing the distaste in Eren's eyes.

Eren grinned. Small. Each action he had done since returning had been dainty. "You don’t. That’s the point."

Eren rose from his crouched position. His hands were tied together. He turned around, leaving Armin to stare into his back.

"You're wrong. And you will remember how wrong you are. Because everything will happen again." Eren turned around sharply. Armin flinched in response. It was the quickest moevment Eren had made. A vein popped in his forehead. A soft whisper left his lips, a promise. "You will be powerful soon. Because I’m going to say them again. And you will do this... all again."

Armin's mouth betrayed him. He couldn't speak, only staring in shock at his friend. Eren turned his back. He took a few light paces towards the door. And began to speak.

"We will kill all these island devils." Armin’s breath caught. Something twisted behind his eyes. The shaking eased. His fingertips went numb. His breathing stopped completely. "Please, don't." Begging wouldn't save him now.

Eren only continued. Armin felt his ears blazing. "We are going to earn every ounce of freedom." A single tear rolled down Armin's cheek. His mind went blank.

"Then, I will give you forever in the sea." Armin's mind went still.

Eren waited. Armin stood now, straight, eyes wide and glassy. A deep, dark blue replacing all color. All trace of fear, confusion, and rebellion—gone.

Eren faced him again. "You will forget we had this conversation. When I see you tomorrow, you will be as surprised as the rest of our comrades." Armin could only nod in response.

Tentatively, Armin watched as Eren brought up his arm. There was a good distance between the two boys as Armin's limp body stood. Eren reached closer, grazing at the exposed skin on Armin's arm. Eren nodded slowly, sadness in his gaze. His hand reached up to Armin's shoulder, dipping into the flesh in a soft squeeze.

"They are close to uncovering the truth." Eren looked remorseful. Armin didn't say anything. He couldn't feel anything. His mind was empty. No thoughts. His only purpose was to listen to Eren's command. To follow the words. Restore peace through his master's plan. "I need you to misdirect them. And if they get too close... remove the problem."

Armin's heart picked up. A pain rang out in his stomach, but he didn't react. His body wouldn't let him. A blank mind couldn't process the reaction. All he found himself doing was barking out a response. "Confirmed."

Eren lingered for a moment. The pain flashed across his face. A small frown replaced his thin lips. "I wish there had been another way." He turned, stepped out into the corridor, and was gone.

Behind him, Armin stood. Watching as his friend disappeared into the night. He trudged to bed, laying down. Ignoring the clothing he had on, the sweat forming around his hairline. Staring at the ceiling, he could feel as his fingers tingled.

Armin closed his eyes. He didn't think of Mikasa, who would wake up in shock tomorrow. Nor Connie and Sasha, who he knew deep down would be weary of Eren's sudden return. He certainly did not let Jean cross his mind or what had happened between them earlier. He didn't feel a thing. As he drifted into sleep, his mind raged. It burned and Armin let himself feel every bit. He deserved this numb, dull pain. For whatever he was becoming, he was truly a monster. A pawn.

As he awoke in the middle of the night, he collapsed against the bed. His head pounded from the nightmare playing in his dreams. He was gasping like a drowning man dragged up from deep water. He had no memory of the last night. Only a single thought he couldn't place.

A whisper, distant and echoing, like it had come from someone else’s voice.