Chapter Text
Luo Binghe was man enough to admit he was in love with his roommate. His roommate was the most pure, well-intentioned, sweet, and generally, all around, perfect man. Even before Luo Binghe figured out he was attracted to him, he had always been in awe.
And now? Well, if they could date, Luo Binghe would make sure they would already be basically married. Only one problem with that, though.
Shen Yuan was undeniably, irrevocably, entirely, straight. To the very core of his being.
Over the course of living with him for a few years, having observed everyone that Shen Yuan might be attracted to, thoroughly scrutinizing everyone he brought over to the dorm, and keeping careful track of the people that he talks to more than once, Luo Binghe was confident Shen Yuan had never looked at a man with truly romantic intentions. Of course, there were going to be some men out there that just couldn’t accept that, and who kept interacting with poor Shen Yuan again, and again, and again, not giving up and refusing to accept the fact that Shen Yuan was straight!
Like Liu Qingge, or Shang Qinghua. Those guys would not back off of Shen Yuan, no matter how intensely Luo Binghe glared at them.
“They’re my friends,” Shen Yuan would say, when Luo Binghe protested them coming over. And they did come over, a lot. And yeah, they were his friends, but did friends normally sit that close? Or talk that animatedly?
Just to combat this, Luo Binghe had to drape himself over Shen Yuan whenever they came over, petting his hair and testing how much physical affection Shen Yuan could handle before pushing him away a little. “Why are you being so clingy today?” Shen Yuan would laugh, but Luo Binghe would always glare at their unwanted guest.
They knew why. Liu Qingge and Shang Qinghua would easily try to do the same, Luo Binghe was sure, if they were given the opportunity.
But it didn’t matter when they weren’t nearby, they didn’t get to have what Luo Binghe had. They didn’t get to sneak into Shen Yuan’s bed late at night, they didn’t get to see his sticky eyes blink awake every morning and greet him with a perfectly tailored rotating breakfast schedule, and they certainly didn’t get to rest their heads on Shen Yuan’s shoulder when he was doing homework to fall asleep on him. All of that was for Luo Binghe, and Luo Binghe only.
It just meant less when Shen Yuan clearly didn’t love him the same way.
Sure, Luo Binghe could press soft, subtle kisses to his lips when they were sleeping, secrets that Shen Yuan would never know about, but he would never be able to kiss back.
Luo Binghe could endlessly proclaim his devotion in three different journals, but Shen Yuan wouldn’t ever echo the sentiments.
He could wash Shen Yuan’s laundry, make all his food, help him with every test, prepare his bag before school, and meticulously arrange their class schedules, “but we’re just friends,” Shen Yuan would laugh. “It’s not, like, in a gay way. I don’t know why everyone always thinks we’re dating.”
It… hurt. More than Luo Binghe was willing to admit. But he knew Shen Yuan inside and out, every little thing that made him tick and all the small parts of him that made up the whole. In fact, he was sure that given the opportunity, he could perfectly recreate an entirely new Shen Yuan.
Which gave him an idea.
If he could control a dream, he could do whatever he wanted with Shen Yuan. He could even control him, probably. As soon as he realized it, he got to work with research.
Lucid dreaming, as it turned out, didn’t always have to be spontaneous. After hours spent on Reddit posts and YouTube tutorials, he thought he understood the method just about perfect, it was all about the execution. He just had to wake up for an hour during his REM cycle, then meditate while keeping conscious, and then his body would fall asleep while his mind stayed awake.
Simple.
There wasn’t a much out there that took Luo Binghe a lot of time to learn, so the first night he tried it, it was a success.
Am I really dreaming? This seems so lifelike…
One Reddit thread had told him that something like this would happen. He tried to tap his index finger against the palm of the other hand and it phased right through. It worked! He was dreaming.
Delighted, Luo Binghe made a full circle around the room. Now he just had to manifest Shen Yuan… how to do that?
Online, there were really no concrete explanations. It was a trial and error process, apparently, and one that was unique to everyone.
Maybe he was already here. Shen Yuan wasn’t in his bed, so Luo Binghe walked out to the living area.
Shen Yuan, disheveled and sleepy, was pouring himself some cereal. “Oh hey Binghe,” he said, cutting himself off with a huge yawn. “I must have woken up earlier than you. It’s okay though, I can make myself cereal today.”
Luo Binghe smiled brightly at him. Shen Yuan must think it’s morning.
Well, now that Shen Yuan was here and manifested, it was time to see how much control Binghe had over him.
You stand up, Luo Binghe willed internally, and you come over here and kiss me.
Shen Yuan took another bite of cereal, opening his phone to check his Instagram.
You proclaim your devotion to me.
Shen Yuan swallowed his bite, laughing a little at whatever his phone was showing him.
Your phone disappears.
That time, the phone blinked out of existence with a little pop noise, startling Shen Yuan a little. Shen Yuan turned with confusion written all over his face.
“What was that?” he asked, staring at his palm like it would hold all of the answers.
Luo Binghe crossed the room in two strides, taking a hold of Shen Yuan’s chin and pressing their lips together. Shen Yuan made a little muffled noise, but it wasn’t like there was anywhere he could go, trapped between Luo Binghe towering over him and the counter against his back.
After a few seconds, Luo Binghe couldn’t stand how Shen Yuan was just sitting there, shocked into a still silence, so he pulled back. Wasn’t this Shen Yuan supposed to be everything Luo Binghe wanted? Or was Luo Binghe’s knowledge of Shen Yuan really that powerful?
He wasn’t eager and devoted at all, he just looked shocked. “…sorry,” Luo Binghe said. He couldn’t help but apologize. It may be possible that Luo Binghe’s subconscious was so perfect in its knowledge of Shen Yuan that this Shen Yuan was exactly the same.
Luo Binghe sat down on the stool across from Shen Yuan, studying his features.
This… might be a really good thing, actually.
Dream Shen Yuan might not be endlessly devoted to Luo Binghe, but maybe he could be taught to. Luo Binghe could say whatever he wanted, could do whatever he wanted, without fearing that Shen Yuan would end their friendship.
This could be just as fun, convincing Shen Yuan to love him and seeing how Shen Yuan would slowly come out of his shell. He would eventually start to reach out on his own and find that Luo Binghe was willing to go anywhere with him.
Not that Luo Binghe was going to do anything if Shen Yuan didn’t want to, even in a dream. Luo Binghe didn’t want Shen Yuan’s body if his mind wasn’t willing, even if neither were real.
“What… was that?” Shen Yuan asked. His cereal lay forgotten on the counter, growing soggier by the second. Luo Binghe dismissed it with a flick of his mind, and it disappeared.
He leaned forward, a small smile growing on his face. “Sorry Yuan-ge. Let’s start over. I’m Luo Binghe, I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, and I want to kiss you. I would like it if you wanted to kiss me too.”
Shen Yuan’s eyes snapped to his, his mouth falling open comically. “You want to…”
Luo Binghe reached across the divide between their stools and brought Shen Yuan’s hand over to rest in his own lap. “Kiss you. Badly. No- not kiss you badly. I want to kiss you, badly.” Ah, even in a dream he was messing this up!
Another moment of shocked silence. “Why?”
“Cause I’ve been in love with you since we were kids,” Luo Binghe explained patiently. He would explain this however many times Yuan-ge wanted him to.
“And you want to kiss me.”
Luo Binghe nodded, fighting the laughter bubbling up in his chest. “Yes. Absolutely.”
“But you’re not gay, though. I’m not gay. You’ve had so many girlfriends, I thought—”
“I’ve only ever been attracted to you. Since we were kids. I’ve been in love with only you this entire time.”
“But…” He seemed to struggle for a minute. “I’m not gay,” he stated again. It seemed like this was a major hang-up for Dream Shen Yuan. Luo Binghe really didn’t see that coming, maybe he needed his subconscious checked.
There would be plenty of time to win him over later, Luo Binghe decided. Might as well go the full nine yards.
He sniffled, eyes going wide and sad. He manifested some tears and felt the moisture drip down his face. “I’ve only ever wanted you, Yuan-ge! You’re the only one, and I just want to kiss you. Its all I’ve ever wanted, and you can’t even do that? I know you’re straight, but you can’t even kiss someone who’s in love with you?”
Luo Binghe turned to wipe his nose on his sleeve, like he was trying to hide this reaction. “I—I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this, I’ll just go…”
Turning to leave, he got off of the stool and let go of Shen Yuan’s hand, letting it fall from where it was cradled in his lap. “Wait,” Shen Yuan huffed, more annoyed than sympathetic. “Of course I’ll kiss you. I never said I wouldn’t, don’t just jump to conclusions like that!”
Luo Binghe fell into a sheepish silence. He had jumped to conclusions pretty quickly. But in his defense, Shen Yuan was taking a really long time to get a normal sentence out!
Shen Yuan softened his tone, “Just don’t get any ideas, I really…I really don’t like you like that.”
Luo Binghe ignored the stab to the chest that those words gave him. With this dream realm construction, there was plenty of time to fix this. Even if it took months of work every night, he would get Shen Yuan to love him.
Shen Yuan got up from his stool, and Luo Binghe eagerly grasped his hand again to lead him to their bedroom.
“Your bed? Isn’t that a little—” Luo Binghe shot him a pitiful look, and Shen Yuan’s mouth snapped shut with a click.
Luo Binghe sat down on his own bed and pulled Shen Yuan down with him. They had spent plenty of late nights on his bed, watching movies on a laptop or playing card games or just talking about life, into the early hours of the morning. “Alright, kiss me.”
Shen Yuan had agreed, but now he looked unsure. “Just kiss you? Now?” He was just stalling for time, clearly, and Luo Binghe shot him an unimpressed look.
“Please? I’ve waited my whole life, Yuan-ge.”
Shen Yuan leaned forward with a small sigh. Luo Binghe met him halfway, eagerly gnawing on his lower lip. He could feel the way Shen Yuan seemed to tense, and a second later, he felt himself being pushed away.
“That’s not how you kiss,” Shen Yuan said bemusedly. His glasses were askew, and he wiped them clean before setting them on the table. Luo Binghe followed the motion, delighted. Shen Yuan always took off his glasses when he was focused on a physical task. “You really kiss girls that way?”
In truth, Luo Binghe hadn’t kissed many girls. Any at all, actually. He had never felt the desire to, being consumed with Shen Yuan every time one of his girlfriends tried to kiss him. “You don’t like it?” he asked, more distracted than anything. Shen Yuan was going to kiss him again, right? It wasn’t going to just be that one kiss, there had to be more. He had taken off his glasses, after all—
“No.” It was a harsh syllable.
Luo Binghe flinched back, eyes filling with hurt. He didn’t like it? Shen Yuan hastily corrected himself. “It wasn’t bad,” he hedged. “Just, could use some help, is all. Try not to bite so much.”
And Shen Yuan moved in again. Without even being asked! Luo Binghe forgot about his sadness and started nibbling again. “Ow!” Shen Yuan cursed. He backed off, trying to guide Luo Binghe’s movements, but Luo Binghe wasn’t having any of that.
He pressed in harder, pushing Shen Yuan back against the bed until they were nearly horizontal.
“So aggressive,” Shen Yuan gasped, tugging on Luo Binghe’s shirt weakly. Luo Binghe wasn’t even sure he knew he was doing it. “I’m not a girl, I don’t need to be—”
Luo Binghe decided that was enough talking, and covered Shen Yuan’s body with his again. It was times like this he could use his larger height and stature to his advantage, he thought happily. He could not only protect Shen Yuan, but also make him feel protected. Now If only Yuan-ge would stop squirming—
Suddenly an alarm went off next to Luo Binghe’s head and he felt his consciousness tug back into his body. He groaned quietly and shut off the alarm, dreading that he was taken away from that dream so quickly.
Nothing to do about it now, though. Luo Binghe slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb Shen Yuan, to go shop and prepare breakfast. He mentally put together a list of things he needed to buy while he put on his clothes for the day. They were running low on blueberries, and soon Luo Binghe wouldn’t be able to make Shen Yuan’s favorite pancakes.
Before he left, Luo Binghe went over to check on the sleeping figure of Shen Yuan. He had to make sure his roommate was sleeping fine, no nightmares or… other intense dreams. His shoulders seemed a little tense, and his breathing wasn’t deep and even, so he was clearly awake.
That was fine, he woke up to Luo Binghe’s alarm sometimes. He would always go to sleep a few minutes after Luo Binghe left. He knew this because he had tested it every once in a while.
In the mornings normally, Luo Binghe would brush a light kiss to Shen Yuan’s forehead before he left. If his forehead was slick with sweat, he would change the blankets for a lighter sheet, if his forehead was cold, he would pile on another blanket.
But now, even though he had done so much in his dream, he still couldn’t kiss the real thing in the morning after. It was depressing, and Luo Binghe went out the door in a sad haze.
It quickly brightened, though, when Shen Yuan ate his blueberry pancakes with relish two hours later. Luo Binghe stared across the kitchen counter, remembering how he had confessed his undying love to this man. He had looked exactly the same as he did now, taking too-large bites of his food that always made Luo Binghe think he was going to choke at any given moment.
Luo Binghe pressed his lips together to stop the smile from spreading across his face, remembering how delicately Shen Yuan had kissed him last night. As if he were something special. He would have to do this lucid-dreaming thing again.
“What?” Shen Yuan asked, a bit of syrup dripping from the corner of his mouth. Luo Binghe reached for a napkin and cleaned it up for him.
“Hand?” Luo Binghe asked, and Shen Yuan offered him one. Luo Binghe carefully cleaned each sticky finger with the napkin.
Shen Yuan returned his hand to his plate, then resumed scarfing down his pancakes. “Thanks,” he said, slightly muffled because his mouth was full of food. Tomorrow night, Luo Binghe promised himself. Tomorrow night he would get to kiss this man again, even if it was just a pale imitation of the real, perfect Shen Yuan sitting before him.
*_*
Luo Binghe tapped the index finger of one hand to the palm of the other hand, smiling when it went right through. He was back in the dream realm!
In one smooth motion, he stepped over to Shen Yuan’s side of the room and covered his roommate’s lips with his own.
“Just stop biting,” Shen Yuan whined, rolling over in his bed to face away from Luo Binghe. In response, Luo Binghe simply climbed into bed with him, bracketing Shen Yuan’s body with his arms. “It hurts!”
Luo Binghe bit down on his own bottom lip, hard. “Doesn’t hurt that much,” he mumbled sullenly.
But, fine. If Shen Yuan didn’t want to kiss, they didn’t have to kiss. Plenty of other options.
Luo Binghe backed off a little, helping Shen Yuan to sit up straight against the wall behind them. Shen Yuan rubbed his eyes, surprised at how close Luo Binghe was to his face.
“Are you okay?” Luo Binghe asked.
Shen Yuan sighed and groped around for his glasses. Luo Binghe silently located them and slid them on to Shen Yuan’s face. “Yeah, I’m fine.” His face scrunched up in an adorable expression as he tried to remember the events of the night before. “So you’re gay, then. And you want to do gay stuff with me?”
Not even close. On either count. “I want you to love me,” Luo Binghe corrected.
“In a gay way.”
“In every way.”
“But…” Shen Yuan seemed to struggle to put thoughts together. Luo Binghe couldn’t resist bringing his fingers and trailing them across Shen Yuan’s neck and down his back. “No—stop. You’re not helping.”
Luo Binghe folded his hands back into his lap abashedly. He glanced up at Shen Yuan from beneath his lashes, waiting for him to continue.
“You wanted to kiss me, and you didn’t—” he took a shaky breath. “You just—you just did. I don’t want, um. I know you can do whatever you want with me, but. Uh.”
Luo Binghe understood immediately. “I’m not going to violate you, Yuan-ge. Do you really think I could?”
Shen Yuan vigorously shook his head, making his glasses slide partway down his nose. “No, no. Of course you wouldn’t. Sorry. What do you want with me then?”
“To be your boyfriend.” And more than that, but he wouldn’t say as much. It was probably better not to explain more and overwhelm him with all of the other things that Luo Binghe wanted, like hand-holding, dates, marriage, seclusion with just the two of them forever and no one else can ever see him…
“But I’m straight.”
“Am I not attractive to you?” Luo Binghe asked, pushing back his hair.
Shen Yuan hesitated. “You’re very attractive, Binghe,” he spoke carefully, as if measuring out every word. “A lot of girls are attracted to you.”
“But are you attracted to me?” Luo Binghe pressed.
Shen Yuan wouldn’t answer that, he looked away and adjusted his glasses. He looked supremely uncomfortable and his face was flushed, a surefire sign that some intense emotions were in play. If only Luo Binghe could get him to admit what they were.
“I’m straight,” he said at last. Still not answering the question, though. It was like he was using that excuse as some sort of shield, or something. There was no point in trying to argue, because Shen Yuan seemed to be clinging to it.
So Luo Binghe decided that was enough interrogation for now. He moved to Shen Yuan’s side, hugging his roommate’s arm and resting his head on Shen Yuan’s shoulder. They both didn’t have a shirt on, Luo Binghe had taken care of that from the start, and the warmth of Shen Yuan seemed to heat Luo Binghe’s core. He hid his smile in Shen Yuan’s shoulder.
They had snuggled like this before, always fully clothed and sometimes even closer, but this time was different. Dream Shen Yuan knew that Luo Binghe would rather be this close to him forever. “I do love you, Yuan-ge.” Luo Binghe whispered to him. “Everything I do, I do for you. I want you to be happy with me forever.”
Shen Yuan had no response to that. Luo Binghe could feel some motion in the opposite shoulder, and although it was clearly not intended to throw him off, he looked up anyway. A hand brushed through his hair, and he relaxed back into Shen Yuan’s side again while the nails gently scratched in broad strokes across his scalp.
“I really don’t like it when you talk to other people,” He admitted. It was nice, to finally admit these things. To see how Shen Yuan would react if they were spoken out loud.
“What do you mean? In all my years of knowing you, I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone.”
“Good,” Luo Binghe said, a hint of malice making its way into his voice.
Shen Yuan chuckled, instead of being scared off. “What, so you can date whatever girl you want, but I can’t?”
“You’re mine,” Luo Binghe explained. “But also, I’m only yours. Those girls never meant anything to me, and I stopped dating anyone else once I realized how I feel about you.”
“Such passion. I wonder…”
“What? What do you wonder?” Luo Binghe looked up at him with wide eyes. He would answer anything.
“Nothing, nothing.”
Luo Binghe paused, but when it became clear Shen Yuan wasn’t going to say more, he continued to confess. “I just want you to be happy. And you’ll be the happiest right here, if you never leave.”
“Why would I leave?”
Luo Binghe didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to relive his last years of high school again, not when this was supposed to be peaceful and perfect.
“Kiss me please?” Luo Binghe requested.
Shen Yuan looked down at him. He was still tightly wound around Shen Yuan’s arm, curled into Shen Yuan’s side. “Are you going to bite me again?”
Luo Binghe flushed and loosened his grip. He really didn’t need the reminder that his technique was bad. “No, I won’t bite.”
“Okay then, come here,” Shen Yuan whispered, pulling Luo Binghe up to his level.
When their faces were inches apart, Shen Yuan could see how depressed Luo Binghe looked. “I’m sorry I’m not good at this,” Luo Binghe admitted. “And I’m sorry it doesn’t feel good.”
Even though this was just a dream construction, this was only going to be nice if he was making Shen Yuan happy.
Shen Yuan frowned. “It’s okay,” he reassured. “We can practice. We have time.”
Luo Binghe nodded and cast his eyes down. They didn’t have all the time in the world, but it just the two of them in this dream realm.
Shen Yuan was just as gentle as last time, but Luo Binghe tried to hold back more. Last time, he had been so forward that he had nearly pinned Shen Yuan between him and the bed, leaving him no place to go and not allowing him to do anything but let Luo Binghe bite and gnaw at his lips.
When they broke off, Shen Yuan was smiling. “That’s better. Good, Binghe.”
Luo Binghe shakily exhaled, overwhelmed with the warmth blooming in his chest. He could only hide his face in Shen Yuan’s shoulder. This was everything he had wanted Shen Yuan to say. Even if he said it a hundred times, Luo Binghe would never get tired of hearing his praise.
“Keep saying that?” he whispered.
Shen Yuan laughed softly. “You have to do something to deserve it,” he teased.
Luo Binghe sat up suddenly, nearly unseating Shen Yuan. “What do you want? I can get you anything. Just say it.”
Shen Yuan thought for a moment. “I want to be home, in my bed there. You know, like how it was back in middle school.”
Luo Binghe changed the scenery with a flick of his consciousness, changing the dorm into a large, bare bedroom that was only populated with a queen-size bed and a bookshelf next to a dignified old writing desk. The two of them had spent most of their days here years ago, bonding and talking. It was here that Luo Binghe got to know who the man in front of him really was.
“Oh,” Shen Qingqiu exclaimed softly as he glanced around the room. Luo Binghe was careful to make sure he didn’t need to get up, so the two of them were in the same position on the bed in the center of the room.
Luo Binghe took his hand. “This is where I fell in love with you, I think.”
“Since we were kids,” Shen Yuan echoed. “You’ve… well. You’ve always been my closest friend. The only person I could talk to, a lot of the time.”
“Yeah?” Luo Binghe asked.
“I’ve honestly never thought about you, you know, that way. Liu-di says its obvious, how you feel about me, but this still seems like it’s come out of nowhere.”
“Not even subconsciously?” Luo Binghe asked, at a loss. Shen Yuan laughed a little, putting his hand on Luo Binghe’s face. He couldn’t help but lean into the touch, smiling despite himself.
“Well, definitely subconsciously. But I’m still straight, though.” Luo Binghe was silent for a moment. His heart had leapt at the admission, but then Luo Binghe had to remind himself that this wasn’t the real Shen Yuan. There was no reason for this dream-construct Shen Yuan to ever see anyone else. He only existed for Luo Binghe, just like how Luo Binghe only existed for the real Shen Yuan.
‘You’re the reason I exist,” Luo Binghe told him in all seriousness. “Without you, I wouldn’t be anyone.”
Shen Yuan didn’t respond immediately. “I think I liked it better when you just wanted to kiss me, and that was all,” he said finally.
Luo Binghe tackled him to the bed. Shen Yuan made a noise that Luo Binghe wanted to hear again and again, like a cross between a surprised hum and a giggle. Luo Binghe caught it in his mouth to savor it.
“This is a little weird,” Shen Yuan said when they broke apart. “I keep feeling like my little sister is going to come in and see us.”
“That’s not going to happen,” Luo Binghe reassured, but he didn’t think Shen Yuan was being serious. Shen Yuan’s heartbeat was steady and even, not at all afraid. That was good, if Luo Binghe managed to make this dream construct frightened then everything would be ruined.
This was a real risk, too. This Shen Yuan was lifelike in a way that Luo Binghe didn’t expect him to be.
“You’re not scared of me, right?” he asked. If he was honest, he just wanted the reassurance that Shen Yuan wasn’t going to try to leave.
“Of course not. You wouldn’t do anything I don’t want, so I’m not scared of you.”
“Good.” That was enough talking for now. Luo Binghe moved back in, and Shen Yuan obliged, meeting him halfway.
He was making progress, Luo Binghe decided. Eventually—it might take a few nights—he would get this Shen Yuan to fall in love with him. Even though it would just be in a dream, and nothing about the real Shen Yuan would change.