Chapter Text
There is something missing. It’s a feeling that’s been bothering Eddie since he left L.A. At first, he’d thought that maybe he’d forgotten something. But Buck and him had double and triple-checked that he had everything he needed and Buck had promised to ship anything Eddie had forgotten later.
It takes him a while to understand what’s missing. Buck.
He’d gotten so used to always having Buck near him that, now, it feels like a piece of him has been left behind in L.A. It’s weird. To actually admit to himself how much of an impact the other has had on him. How much his absence is already starting to weigh on Eddie, even if he’s really the one leaving and not the other way around.
During the first hour of the drive, Eddie learns the hard way that driving twelve hours alone is nice because you have some peace and quiet but that that is also the worst part about it. Twelve hours just for himself and his thoughts. Frank would be disappointed if he found out how much Eddie still avoided those at any cost.
For the second hour, he blasts music as loud as he can, singing along to a playlist titled ‘cooking mix’ which consists of mostly Spanish songs mixed in with some that Buck had added because he’d said it was criminal that Eddie had never heard of them before.
He very skillfully skips every song that reminds him of Buck for the first minute but ends up skipping every song that comes on. So he stops it and lets the songs play out.
His third hour is spent contemplating what will happen when he shows back up in Chris’ life. He has a house in El Paso, now, and it’s quite big, but it isn’t his parents’ house. Has Chris gotten attached to that house? Will it be hard for him to leave it? Harder than it was to leave L.A.? He stops this when he feels himself spiralling a little too much.
His third (and a half) hour is probably the most boring and the most stressed he’s ever been. Which sounds stupid, because how could he be stressed and bored at the same time? But Eddie’s learned enough from Frank (and that weirdly attractive Priest) that he knows better than to call his feelings stupid.
At four hours, his mood doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Anything he’s thought of, he immediately connects to Buck. Which, of course, isn’t very hard, because Buck has managed to weasel his way into every single aspect of Eddie’s life.
It gets him thinking of the fight they’d had in the car.
—
“I–I don’t know what’s going on,” Buck sighs. There is a hint of desperation in his voice that Eddie doesn’t quite understand. “Everything felt like it was finally getting back to the way it should be. Gerrard was out as captain and– and Bobby was back in and… And then Tommy dumps me. And now Maddie is– is missing or she’s run away, lost her mind, whatever this is.” He drops his hands into his lap, stopping his fidgeting.
Eddie has a feeling he knows what Buck is going to say and his face hardens as he waits for the words to come.
“You’re just moving back to Texas, like– like it’s nothing, like it doesn’t affect anybody else. But– But it does .”
“It’s not nothing,” Eddie replies.
“No, I– I know it’s not nothing. I– I didn’t mean,” Buck tries but Eddie can’t hear one more of his half-assed apologies. He’s had enough of them to get through the next couple of years.
“Hey,” he says, stopping the other man in his tracks. “We’ve been up all night. You don’t have to say anything.”
Buck sighs and replies softly. “Yeah.”
“I gotta get some gas.” What Eddie really needs is to leave this goddamned car and get some air. “And some coffee.” Now that he really does need it if he doesn’t want to crash his car. Which would not be ideal, especially because he needs it intact to drive to El Paso.
“Yeah,” Buck repeats.
—
Back then, he thought Buck was acting weird. Now that he really thinks about it, he’s been acting weird since Eddie dropped the news on him.
He’s been more distant but weirdly clingy. Almost as if trying to keep Eddie there but still getting ready for him to leave.
Eddie reaches for the peanut butter-protein cookies. He’d half forgotten about them until now. The ziplock bag is easy to open even with only one hand to use. The cookies smell heavenly and taste even better. Not that he ever doubted Buck’s baking skills.
He inhales half the bag until he remembers he’s got a stop planned for Phoenix which is in less than an hour. So he closes the bag and puts it away again.
A call comes through and he hears it ring twice but just as he goes to accept it, the person themselves hangs up. It seems weird and even weirder when he gets a message not a minute later from Buck saying he’d dialled the wrong number by accident. It’s not usual for Buck to call him on accident and every time he does, they just end up talking for hours anyway.
But he doesn’t have time to think about it too much, because he arrives at the gas station and he has to get out. After tanking, he drives for a few minutes before stopping at a fast-food shop to get a burger. He eats it in his car, staring at the parking lot in front of him.
He observes other people going to eat, some of them going through the drive-through and others parking, like Eddie did, and getting their food inside. Since it’s a nice day, he even sees some teenagers eating their food in a park nearby.
When he sees an old woman getting into a fight with some of the teenagers, he has a weird urge to dial Buck’s number. To tell him what he’s seen or just to hear him as Eddie eats and Buck does whatever. They don’t even need to talk.
But then he remembers he promised Chris he’d call him so he sets up his phone on the dashboard and face-times his son.
“Hey!” Eddie greets him. At once all his worries fade away and the longing for Buck to be there disperses for a moment as he finally realises he’s going to see his son again. And soon.
“Hey,” Chris replies. He’s not smiling, not quite yet, but it’s getting there. At least he’s not as completely disinterested as he had been before.
“How’s your day going, mijo?”
Chris shrugs. “It’s okay, I guess.”
Eddie hates to see him without that sparkle in his eye he’d always had when he’d been talking with him. But that was before. And maybe this is just one of those things with teenagers. “Buck made me these cookies,” he says, holding the ziplock bag up. “He told me to leave you some, so let’s hope I don’t forget.”
It’s meant to be a joke but it doesn’t land and Chris only nods, a stony expression on his face.
That’s how the whole conversation goes, more or less. Eddie says something or makes a comment or asks a question and Chris replies with the least amount of words possible. He laughs once, but it’s half-hearted.
Something in Eddie’s chest aches as he asks himself if this really was the best solution. Still, he knows that disinterest he can cope with. But being completely left out of his kid’s life? Now that he knows he wouldn't be able to cope with.
Before Eddie gets to leave, Buck calls him. Again, it rings twice before stopping and again there’s a message not a minute later explaining that his phone is going haywire whenever it’s connected to his headphones.
A part of Eddie wants to call him back just to speak to him but he doesn’t. Instead, he packs all the trash from his food into the to-go bag and places it in the compartment in his door before pulling out of the parking lot and going on his way.
—
“Thanks for helping me finish packing,” Eddie says, smiling at Buck. He grins as he adds, “Chris is gonna be psyched you found his favourite shirt. He’s been looking for it ever since he got to El Paso.”
Buck chuckles. “Well, you make sure he knows I’m the one who found it.”
“Right. Credit where credit’s due.” Eddie thinks that maybe he just meant it as a joke, but that same desperate note is in his voice—the one that’s been popping up everywhere ever since Buck found out about Eddie’s plans. It feels like Buck’s scared of losing Eddie and he needs to set that straight. “Thanks for helping me get back to him.”
“Uh, yeah, of course,” Buck shrugs. “Don’t sweat it.”
“I know this whole thing between us has been messy and hard,” Eddie starts. “And both of us could have handled it a little bit better. But I hope you know, you do matter to me.” He tries to make the words sound as sincere as they are.
“I know,” Buck sighs. There’s a sad look in his eyes but he doesn’t say anything else.
Maybe it’s better this way. Eddie really doesn’t want their last interaction to turn into a fight. Instead of pushing it, he adds, “Chris and I are always a phone call or FaceTime away.” There’s a small awkward pause. “Well…”
“Well, uh…” Buck repeats dumbly. Just then he remembers something. He runs back towards his truck. “I– I baked you something. Um…” He chuckles as he closes the door, a ziplock bag in his hand. “Chocolate chip protein cookies,” he explains. “They should give you enough energy for the drive with no sugar crash.”
Something in Eddie melts. Because though this is hard for Eddie and no doubt hard for Buck—maybe even worse with his history—Buck still made an effort to make something nice for Eddie. To help him on this drive, give him something so he doesn’t forget to eat or drink for the next twelve hours. “That’s really thoughtful of you,” he says, thanking every god above that his voice doesn’t break. “Thank you.”
“Uh, you make sure you save a couple for Chris,” Buck laughs, trying his best to joke even if Eddie knows it goes against every bone in his body not to fight this.
Eddie hugs Buck, knowing they both need it.
“Oh, man,” he chuckles so he doesn’t cry, “I’m gonna miss you.”
“Yeah,” Buck agrees. “I’m– uh, I’m gonna miss you, too.”
Neither of them wants to let go. Eddie would gladly stay in his place in Buck’s arms for the rest of his life. Except if it means he won’t see his son outside of a phone or laptop screen. So, knowing Buck doesn’t ever pull back first, he does.
The desperation in Buck’s voice gets thicker as if there’s something he needs to tell Eddie but can’t after he leaves. He doesn’t say anything, though, just, “A–And you let me know when you get there, okay?”
Eddie smiles softly and nods, “I will.”
Buck looks like a lost puppy, watching his owner leave once more, strand him in the middle of the wide world completely on his own. It breaks Eddie’s heart. More so because he can’t bring himself to feel bad for leaving. His son needs him more than Buck does. The man has his sister—thank god that nothing happened to her—and then the whole 118 team along with Bobby and Athena who will help him through everything. His son needs his father more than Buck needs his best friend.
“Bye, Buck,” Eddie says. There’s so much more he wants to say, half things he hasn’t let himself think about because now that he’s going back home where all the memories of a dumb teenage Eddie reside is really not the time for figuring out he’s in love with anyone, much less his best friend.
“All right, you hit the road,” Buck chuckles awkwardly. He slaps the back of the U-Haul. “Just get out of here.”
Eddie raises his hand in a wave as he starts the engine and pulls out of his driveway. He can’t bring himself to look Buck in the eyes in the rear-view mirror for fear of his heart-breaking once more.
He might not feel bad for leaving but he certainly does feel bad for how it’s making Buck feel. Never has he ever wanted to hurt Buck in any way.
—
Buck stands rooted to the same spot for much too long, staring at the empty space where Eddie’s truck had been. He stands there so long that Eddie’s truck has been gone longer than it was ever there. His phone finally startles him out of his trance.
“Hey,” he answers. Only then does he notice how uneven his voice sounds. And somehow everything’s gone blurry. It takes longer than it should for him to understand he was crying. Shit. Not the best first impression of this new neighbourhood. Except, he’s not exactly new here, so maybe he gets a free pass.
It’s Maddie and she sounds concerned. “Buck?”
“Hey, Maddie!” Buck tries to bring some cheer into his voice as he walks into the house. It feels strangely empty even though most of the things are still there and whatever Eddie took, Buck replaced with his own things. Maybe empty isn’t the right word. Just… bare. All the little bits and pieces that made the house Eddie and Chris’ house gone and with it all of its personality.
“Are you okay?”
Buck thinks he should lie. Maddie’s been through enough the past few days. She doesn’t need her brother's mess to fix. But he’s exhausted from trying and trying to pretend that he’s happy for Eddie and that his whole world wasn’t turned upside down by the man leaving, so he sighs and answers, “I’ll get there.”
Through the phone, Buck can’t see Maddie but he can imagine the pained expression on her face.
“I’ll be okay. You don’t need to worry.” It might not be the truth, or anywhere near how he feels, but it’s what she needs to hear to stop worrying about him.
Maddie keeps him on the line a while longer until Buck excuses himself, saying something about having to clean the house.
Of course, he doesn’t do that. Instead, he goes to the kitchen and starts cooking. Or should he bake? Both?
In the end, he does both. First, he cooks some food for himself and then he starts making some brownies. Yesterday, he’d found a recipe for red velvet brownies—technically blondies? there is too much white chocolate for them to be brownies in his mind—and since he has nothing but time now, it seems like a good idea.
It’s weird, opening drawers and finding his own things there. And since he’s organised them in the way they’d been organised in his own kitchen, he seems to always be reaching for the wrong drawers, the ones where Eddie had kept those things. That leads him to rearrange the whole kitchen as he waits for the brownies.
As he does so, he wants to call Eddie, just to tell him about it and update him and let him talk about whatever he’s been doing on the drive. It comes so easily, to just take his phone and click on the ‘Call’ button that it takes him a bit to remember he probably shouldn’t. Eddie left. And he’s not sure what Eddie wants to do now, but maybe Buck should stop being so clingy. So he hangs up and sends a quick message saying he’d dialled the wrong number.
What does Eddie know? Maybe he has another Eddie on his phone. Except that Eddie knows very well that he’s the only ‘Eddie’ on Buck’s phone. Buck doesn’t even really have more than three other people with an ‘E’ in his phone and Eddie’s always the first one to pop up.
After he’s eaten and the brownies have been put to cool down in the fridge, he walks aimlessly from room to room for a bit until he sits down on the couch that Eddie had left—“Not like you have anything to put in its place,” Eddie had said. For a moment, he wonders what to watch. At first, his mind goes to the series he and Eddie have been watching ever since Chris left, but it feels weird to watch it without Eddie to talk to and share his weird ass thoughts on where the plot definitely will not be going. So he pauses and goes back to scrolling through Netflix.
Again, he wants to call Eddie and again he has the number dialled before he remembers he’s not supposed to call him. He’d decided to let Eddie call him first, just to see what’s left of this whole thing once Eddie’s in Texas and he should stick to it. So he hangs up again and leaves a message saying he’d dialled the wrong number.
“Shit,” he sighs, letting his head drop into his hands.
At some point, he decides to watch a nature documentary, but at that point, he’s already too worn out from all the emotions he’s been trying and failing to suppress so he falls asleep, curled up on the couch as the man on his screen talks on and on about mountain lions.
—
Eddie arrives completely wiped. He really does not want to have to haul the shit out of his truck into the new house but the only other option would be to knock on his parents’ door, which he wants even less. Especially because he wants to give Chris some space to get used to his dad being back. Barging into their house in the middle of the night would definitely be the opposite of that.
So, he downs the last of the coffee he’d bought at the last gas station, which had gone cold hours ago and tastes much too bitter for Eddie’s liking and gets to work. Contrary to what he’d planned in the morning with all his energy still intact, he doesn’t haul everything out.
The key is under the mat and he thanks god that he could do all the paperwork from afar because this would have been much worse had he had to still get all that shit out of the way before being able to crash.
He just barely manages to take enough shit out that he gets his bed out of the truck and leaves everything else scattered around the house as he pulls the mattress with him, too tired to take the bed frame with him. Thankfully he’d had the foresight to pack his toothbrush and pyjama in a separate duffle along with a change of clothes for the next day and some sheets for the mattress. He hauls that bag with him.
Getting ready for bed takes too long because he keeps falling asleep leaning against the door. Being a firefighter should mean he’d be really good at being alert and awake when tired but all it means is his brain knows to sleep when he can, wherever that may be.
He texts Buck while brushing his teeth but since he’s half asleep his eyes are having a hard time processing what he’s typing out and he doesn’t have the energy to backspace a million times whenever he spells a word wrong. In the end, the text says, ‘glt hpne, fobba skeep mow’. Hopefully, Buck can decipher it.
Wrangling the sheets onto the mattress is a whole nother struggle and he only remembers the pillow is in one of the boxes that he left in the car when it’s too late, so he just bunches up some of the blanket and puts it under his head. It takes less than a minute for him to drift off.
—
In the morning, he wakes up at seven. He thanks god he’d remembered to put the alarm on somewhere between brushing his teeth and making his bed.
He’s got breakfast with Chris and his parents at ten o’clock and since he only managed to make a big mess the night before, he’s got a lot to set up. Technically it doesn’t matter what his house looks like, but he wants to offer a tour to Chris, and though he’s pretty sure his son will decline the offer, he wants to be ready in case he doesn't.
Even without having had much sleep, he feels weirdly energetic. Whether it has more to do with having slept well, if not much, or with his nerves playing up because of the breakfast plans he’s got, he’s not sure. Still, he’s grateful for it because he actually manages to make the house look somewhat okay.
The kitchen has an island which serves as a table so he doesn’t have to worry about that, though he should probably get some chairs for it. The moment he sets up his coffee machine, he takes a break to make himself a latte. Normally, he would just make a coffee, warm up some milk in the microwave and call it a day, but ever since that priest told him to figure out what he likes and let himself enjoy things, he learned how to actually make a latte. He even watched some videos to learn how to make latte art. It doesn’t look quite right yet, but he’s definitely making progress.
Next, he sets up the patio table and chairs and sits down to drink his latte. He has a book that Buck gave him a bit ago. ‘ How to speak whale ’. Buck had had a bit of a whale phase and swore up and down that the book was really interesting, so Eddie had asked to borrow it.
He’d loved reading when he’d been younger. So many nights he’d stayed up under his covers with a flashlight, reading until much too late, scared his parents would find him and get mad. Looking back, he could just as well have had the big light on and all his parents would have been mad at was his excessive use of the electricity.
Anyway, the priest’s words also made him get back into reading and now, he’s got three or four books he borrowed from Buck to get through. Maybe he should call Buck, ask him whether he should mail the books back or if Buck will come visit them at some point, take the books back then.
But it’s nine, and Eddie should start getting ready and Buck is probably getting as much sleep as he can before thei– his next shift.
Once he’s in the car, the urge is so strong that he shakes his head and just presses the ‘Call’ button. It’s stupid for him to get so in his head about such a simple thing. He’s calling Buck. He’s called Buck a million times about much stupider things. This shouldn’t feel so scary. What’s the worst Buck could do? Be asleep?
“Hey,” Buck answers. He yawns and Eddie can hear him shifting. Probably sitting up.
“Hey,” Eddie says. “Sorry. Did I wake you up?”
“A bit,” Buck replies. He yawns again, and Eddie can hear him throwing his blankets off himself as he moves to get up. He’ll probably go to the kitchen, make himself a cappuccino. “What time is it?” he asks, padding out of his room.
Eddie doesn’t have time to answer before Buck checks it himself.
“Shit, shit, shit.” His steps get quicker. “God, I’m gonna be late. I have to be there in one and a half hours. And I haven’t gotten ready.”
“Breathe, Buck,” Eddie chuckles. “You’ve gotten ready in less time.”
Buck sighs and laughs. “True.” He puts the phone on speaker and putters about the kitchen. As he lets the coffee machine boot up he asks, “Anyway, why’d you call?”
“I’m having breakfast with Chris and my parents, in…” Eddie breaks off to check the clock himself. “Twenty minutes.”
“And…?”
“And I’m nervous,” Eddie replies. “We’re eating at a restaurant. Some kind of Brunch buffet thing that Chris apparently loves. And…” Eddie sighs deeply. “And I dunno. How the fuck should I act? I mean there’s not really a manual for how to act around your kid who left you to go live with your parents after he saw you making out with a woman who’s the exact copy of your dead wife—his dead mother.”
Buck cackles on the other side of the line and it’s weirdly good to hear him laughing again, even if it sounds hollow in a way that Eddie hasn’t heard for long. “Just be yourself,” Buck says, which makes him laugh again. “Sorry, I just… I have no idea what to answer. There really is no manual.” There’s a moment of silence and then the horrid noise the coffee grinder makes before Buck speaks up again, “But, really, just act like you would normally. But go with the flow, and don’t act like everything is normal—something happened and ignoring it won’t do either of you any good. Let him set the pace, don’t go too fast but don’t lag behind him either.” He takes Eddie’s silence as confusion and adds, “Or just do whatever. I don’t know if any of that really made sense.”
“No, no, no,” Eddie stops him. “It makes sense. Thank you, really. I think I needed to hear that.”
The two of them sit in silence for a while, Eddie driving and Buck making his cappuccino, until Eddie pulls into an empty spot next to the restaurant.
They say goodbye and it’s a bit more awkward than usual, but it’s okay. It’ll be okay.
For a moment, Eddie just sits in the car, unsure whether he should go in because he’s ten minutes early. In the end, he decides to get out.
“Hey,” he says, once he sees a server. “We’ve got a reservation? Should be under Diaz?”
The woman smiles at him. “Of course, right this way.” She starts walking and he follows. “The rest is already here,” she says, pointing to a table in the corner.
Eddie sighs, willing the headache he’s already getting away. He should have known. He smiles at the woman as best as he can and thanks her before walking over to his son. “Hey, Chris!”
“You’re late,” is all Chris says, sipping on a glass of orange juice.
“I know, mijo,” Eddie laments, though he very much did not know. “I’m really sorry. There was a small problem at the house.”
“Oh, that’s not good,” Helena says, shaking her head. “Is it not as good as the listing stated?”
Eddie just barely manages to suppress the urge to roll his eyes. He hates how she always makes him feel like a parent doing a horrible job and a teenager juggling being a parent to his sisters, being a good student and somehow still having a life all at the same time. “No, just a kink we had to iron out on some paperwork.” He doesn’t have any more energy to argue, so he smiles and says, “But maybe we should start with ‘hello’?”
Ramon at least tries to act like he wants to try and help Eddie get back into his son’s good books and stands up to hug Eddie. “Good morning, Eddie.”
Helena only nods at him. “Good morning.” The movement and the words are stiff in a way that Eddie really should have gotten used to years ago.
“It’s nice to see you again,” Eddie tells his parents, sitting down. It’s weird that they reserved a table for six when they’re only four and it feels like a three vs. one fight because they’re all huddled up on one side with Chris in the middle, while he sits alone on the other. He doesn’t let his discomfort show as he sits in the middle, right in front of Chris. “I’m looking forward to being able to see you more,” Eddie says, but it sounds weirdly formal. Like something someone could say at a job interview or something.
“Next time, try not to be late,” Helena says.
“Bara om du faktiskt ger mig rätt tid nästa gång1,” Eddie tells her. He doesn’t usually speak Swedish with his mother if they aren’t alone but he’s not about to say that in any other language and run the risk of his son understanding. Because, as complicated and hard as his relationship with his parents might be, he doesn't want it to ruin the relationship they’ve built with Chris.
Helena goes to say something else, but Eddie interrupts her. “I’m going to go get some food, then we can talk more.”
“Don’t forget to pay,” Ramon says, and Eddie’s not sure why he’d expected any less.
He smiles tightly at his parents. “Do you want anything, Chris?”
The boy shakes his head, pointing to his plate, which is still quite full.
After having paid, Eddie fills up his plate with scrambled eggs and some bacon as well as toast. He sees a coffee machine and decides to have a small one, with lots of milk and some sugar. He’s come to know he doesn’t like bitter things too much.
His father eyes the concoction warily and Eddie knows he doesn’t approve. Something about ‘men should only drink black coffee’ or something. Eddie really doesn’t understand it and he can’t pretend to care anymore.
Trying to talk to Chris during the whole brunch proves to be stupidly hard. Most of the time Chris doesn’t seem interested and the few times he does, Helena or Ramon interject and stop Eddie from talking about it any more.
“Hey, I just started a book about whales,” Eddie says. “I think you’d really like it.”
“You? Reading a book?” This time, Chris really does seem interested, though he doesn’t show it quite like he did before. Before he’d always be rambling excitedly or asking question after question when he wanted to know more. Now, it’s much more subtle, a tilt of his head to the right, something he’d picked up from Buck, and a hint of interest in his voice.
Eddie chuckles. “I know, right? Buck was shocked, too, when I asked to borrow it.” He takes a gulp of coffee. “But it’s really interesting. And there are some really cool descriptions of the author actually interacting with whales. Buck couldn’t shut up about it.”
“Could I borrow it then?” Chris asks, almost shyly. It twists the knife in Eddie’s heart just a bit more. His son should never be hesitant to ask something of him. Especially not something as arbitrary as borrowing a book. “When you’re done, I mean.”
“Of course!” Eddie grins. “I’ll finish it today and I can give it to you straight after. Promise.”
Chris nods and smiles, and though it’s tiny and barely there, it makes Eddie’s heart swell.
“Since when do you read?” Ramon asks, cocking a brow.
“I loved reading when I was a kid,” Eddie shrugs. “Just never had time to start it back up again until now.” He sees the confusion on his parents' faces and it feels weirdly rewarding that they’re being forced to confront the fact that they never really knew him. “Why else do you think I always hoarded the batteries? I burned through them super fast, always using my flashlight and staying up later than I should have.”
His parents look uncomfortable and Eddie changes the topic.
When they leave, they stop on the street next to Eddie’s truck because it’s closer than theirs.
Eddie hesitates before asking, “Chris, you wanna come with me? I could show you the house and maybe we could have lunch? See some things?”
Chris is silent for a while.
“Eddie,” Helena warns, clearly planning to say something, but just then Chris finally answers.
“I can go with you.” Chris fixes him with a stare and Eddie knows there’s still a long way to go but this feels like the first step in the right direction in a long time.
“Alright!” Eddie beams, unlocking his truck. “Hop in!” He lets Chris go to get in the truck and tells his parents, “I’ll bring him back in time for dinner.”
Helena nods, her lips pursed into a tight smile.
“See you later!” Eddie calls, walking around the car to get in himself.
The drive is mostly silent with music playing in the background. Eddie makes some small talk but leaves it at that when it becomes obvious that Chris isn’t in the mood to talk much.
“Ta-da!” Eddie says as he opens the door to the house. “Do you want a tour?”
Chris nods, so Eddie takes him from room to room, pointing out boxes that he hasn’t yet unpacked and where he still needs to get something. At the end, he looks to Chris for his opinion.
“It looks cool,” Chris says. It looks like there’s something he wants to say or ask but is too scared to.
“You can ask me whatever you want to know, mijo,” Eddie tells him, looking him in the eye. “I know it’s been a bit weird the past bit, but I’m your dad. Anything you want to say or ask, no matter how weird or socially unacceptable, I’m the one you can always look to.”
Chris nods but doesn’t say anything.
On to Plan B then.
“There’s a lake near here,” Eddie says. “I always used to go there with my friend. It might be cool to see what it looks like now.”
Again, Chris nods but keeps his mouth shut.
“We can take the cookies that Buck made,” Eddie suggests.
At that, Chris lights up. “Yeah, that’d be cool.”
On the subject of Buck, Eddie remembers the shirt that he’d found. Quickly, he jogs to his room to get it out from one of the boxes.
Chris apparently follows him. “This isn’t the kitchen.”
Eddie laughs at his bluntness. “Buck found something that I think you might like.”
Just as Chris is about to roll his eyes, Eddie pulls out the shirt from a box labelled ‘misc.’. “You found it?” he asks, stepping closer, smiling.
“Buck did,” Eddie corrects, smiling at the memory.
“Can you thank him?” Chris asks, holding the fabric bunched up in one hand.
Eddie cocks a brow. “Why don’t you thank him yourself?”
Chris shrugs. “I dunno. We haven’t talked all that much.”
“Would you have liked to? Talk more to him, that is?”
Chris shrugs once more but upon thinking a bit, says, “Yeah.”
“Well, then I’ll arrange it,” Eddie replies as if it’s that easy.
“But…” Chris looks at him, unsure. “But what if he doesn’t want to anymore? I mean he barely talked to me since I came here.”
“Oh, mijo,” Eddie breathes out. “I know this whole thing is complicated, but Buck wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to him. Just like I wasn’t sure. That’s why we gave you time. To let you go at your own pace.”
A look crosses Chris’ face and Eddie waits for him to drop the bomb he’s holding back. “Is– Is that why you only called once every week?”
The ever-present knife in Eddie’s heart twists even more. He nods, voice uneven as he says, “Of course, cariño. I would have called you every day if I could. But I thought you’d want some time to come to terms with everything. Wasn’t that the reason you left in the first place?”
Chris nods a little. “At first. But then… then you didn’t call much and Buck was only there a few times, so I figured…”
Before his son even gets to finish that sentence Eddie holds his arms out for a hug and lets Chris melt into his embrace.
“Baby, I would never. I always wanted you to come back. You don’t even know how hard it was for me to be so far away from you.”
“I haven’t forgiven you yet,” Chris says.
“That’s okay,” Eddie replies and he means it with every bone in his body. “You can take as much time as you need. But I want to be here for you from here on out. You can talk to me, you can get mad at me—hell, you can even just glare at me. As long as you let me be there.”
Chris nods against his dad’s chest. “I promise.”
—
The car drive to the lake is still quiet, but the weight that has been weighing on Eddie’s shoulders for months now has been lifted a little.
“Who did you use to come here with?” Chris asks as they sit down.
It’s one of the first questions Chris has asked and it takes Eddie a bit by surprise. Especially because he’s kind of unsure which version of the story he should tell him. In the end, he goes for the truth, in as much detail as he’s willing to tell his child.
“A friend, except…” Eddie has no idea how to come out to his kid. There really should be more manuals for weird situations like these. “You know how Hen and Karen are together?”
Chris nods, looking a bit unsure.
“Well, I had a boyfriend. Or, we didn’t call it anything, because things were different back then, but that’s probably what would explain it the best.”
For a moment, Chris is silent. “So like you and Buck?”
And fuck, if that last question was hard then this is like forty-five feet of mud falling on him. He can’t help but let out a snort at that. At first, it seems like such an absurd thought.
But then he thinks for a moment. All those stolen glances, the calls even though they weren’t talking, just doing their own things, Buck knowing just what to do to cheer Eddie up these past few months, how hard it hit Eddie to leave Buck and how hard it hit Buck when Eddie told him he was leaving.
His kid was onto something.
“Shit,” Eddie laughs unbelievingly. “I think… I think yeah.”
“Have you talked to him about it?” Chris asks. “You always told me I should tell people my feelings.”
“I’m… I’m not sure, buddy.” Eddie lets his head drop onto his knees. “I think this might be a bit different.”
Chris gives him a look that says he doesn’t understand but he doesn’t push the subject.
“I…” Eddie tries. He breaks it off in a groan. “I’m not sure. I want to be honest with you and I think we’re over the whole ‘it’s complicated’ thing, but this time, I really don’t know.”
“That’s okay,” Chris says.
“But what I do know is that Buck won’t leave us, no matter what. He’ll always be there for you if you need him.”
Chris nods, smiling a little bit at the words.
They stay there, staring at the lake, eating their cookies and occasionally speaking for a while longer until the alarm Eddie set to remember to bring Chris back on time starts ringing.
“Call me if you need anything,” Eddie tells his son at the door.
“I will,” Chris promises. He smiles at Eddie and then closes the door.
A bit ago, Eddie would have been saddened that Chris didn’t hug him. But they’ve made so much progress that day that all he can do is smile as he gets back into his car.
Back at home, when he finally takes his phone out to check his messages, he sees one in the 118 group chat. It’s not the official one but one Buck had made way back when and added them all to. Karen, Athena and Maddie were added, too, though there’s still a random group chat double with a stupid name without them that they haven’t used in years.
It’s a picture of the table in the loft. What basically amounts to a feast is laid out on the table with everything from salads to the main course to brownies and cookies for dessert. Below is the message, ‘Buck got ‘bored’ ;)’.
Eddie stares at the message, trying to decipher it. He’s sure he’s seen that exact message before but he’s not sure if he actually has or if he’s experiencing some weird form of dejá-vu. Though he’s sure he’s seen it, he doesn’t dwell on it for too long.
The door closes behind him as he types out, ‘looks delicious! wish I was there’. He finds there’s a bit too much truth in it as he finds himself lost in the kitchen with no idea what to do. So he does the one thing he knows to do. Calls Buck.
“Hey!” Buck answers. It sounds like he’s forcing himself to be cheerful but Eddie doesn’t comment on it.
“Hey, Buck,” Eddie replies. “I need to cook something up and…” He opens a cupboard to find there’s nothing in there. Right. He had completely forgotten to go shopping. “Shit.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” Eddie sighs and hits his head against the cupboard lightly. “Just completely forgot to go shopping.”
Buck cackles on the other side of the line.
“It’s not funny,” Eddie mumbles. “I’m ‘boutta crash and I need to eat first.”
“Does Texas not have doordash? Or deliveroo?” Buck asks, fidgeting with something.
“Ha ha ha,” Eddie says dryly. “I was gonna start actually cooking after moving. Before I had you, so I got everything I needed. Now I gotta learn to cook again.”
“Please don’t,” Buck laughs. “You might be a firefighter but even you can’t do much without a crew to help.”
“Shut up.” But it’s true and Eddie has to laugh, as much as he tries to suppress it. “Okay, maybe I need a little bit of training.”
“I can send you over some easier recipes if I find some in mine and Bobby’s chat,” Buck suggests. “Even the best have to start from somewhere.”
“Oh my god, could you? You’re a saviour.”
For some reason, they don’t end the call there, though they definitely could. Eddie keeps him on the line as he drives to the store, telling Buck all about the day he’d had with Chris.
“And, oh god, I took him to this lake, right?” Eddie says, grabbing a basket as he enters the shop.
“What’s bad about that?” Buck asks, confused.
“Well, I used to go there with this guy.” Right. Eddie hasn’t really come out to him yet. Because he’s been repressing that shit since his teenage years and only really came to terms with it again now.
Sometimes he thinks about how much braver he was when he was younger. He used to kiss boys—or one boy, but still more than he’s kissed in the years since—outside, in a lake, where anyone could come to see if they wanted to. And he hadn’t felt shame. That came later. It came when he got to understand all the things his father yelled about; when he understood that his beliefs went against his feelings, that his parents would feel ashamed if they knew who he really was, that God himself would reject him.
Buck picks up the conversation when he notices Eddie’s gone quiet for a bit too long, “Still not getting the bad part here.”
“Well,” Eddie scratches his head. “The things we used to do there weren’t so… descent.”
“What? Like you bathed naked?” Buck scoffed. “C’mon, you were kids, everyone’s done that.”
Eddie laughs. “We did a bit more than that,” he chuckles. His face is going red up to the tips of his ears.
“Oh?” There’s a brief pause and then, “Oh.”
“Yeah,” Eddie chuckles. “Had to find a way to tell that to my kid.”
“So what’d you tell him?” He doesn’t even bat an eye at Eddie coming out to him in an, admittedly, unorthodox way, just keeps going. And Buck seems so genuinely interested that Eddie melts a little. Even eight hundred miles away (Buck had googled and told him when Chris had gone away), Buck can make Eddie’s heart flutter.
“Just that there’d been a boy I’d liked when I was a kid and that I went there with him,” Eddie shrugs. “Not like I was gonna tell him I’d made out with the guy there. That just seems…” he wrinkles his nose. “A bit gross.”
“Probably,” Buck laughs. “Get some pasta, by the way,” he adds. “I sent you the recipe, but I’m still here so I can just walk you through what to get.”
That’s how the rest of the shopping trip goes: Buck ordering Eddie what to get and then them talking about the most random things in between.
It’s weirdly comforting to have Buck talking about mountain lions as Eddie scours the shop for spices.
The cashier sends him a weird look when he keeps talking to Buck as he pays for his things but Eddie’s running on a high from the whole day and he can’t be bothered. So he smiles at the old lady and thanks her before going on his merry way.
Buck talks him through the whole recipe, telling him what to do. Eddie never even ends up pulling up the recipe, because a) his phone is occupied with the call that’s now turned into a Facetime call and b) he doesn’t need to because Buck is probably much better at explaining what he has to do anyway.
“It actually tastes good,” Eddie comments as he shoves the bolognese into his mouth.
“Well, if it does, then it has nothing to do with your cooking skills and everything to do with my explaining skills,” Buck says seriously before bursting out into laughter.
Eddie can’t help but join him. “Be honest, did you or did you not have a checklist next to you?”
“I can neither confirm nor deny,” Buck replies, but there’s a smile tugging at his lips. For a moment, he tilts the camera and Eddie can see a checklist with Buck’s writing a pen, that Eddie had always stored in the drawer with the cutlery ‘just in case’, sitting on top of it.
The call doesn’t end there, either. It doesn’t end when Eddie puts his dishes in the dishwasher or when he goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. It’s weirdly domestic, he thinks, just being on a call as they get ready for bed. And it’s not weird either.
Buck does his Duolingo while brushing his teeth and Eddie can’t help but feel warm as he hears the man learning Spanish just for Chris and him. He asks what went wrong when Buck frowns at the screen and explains the mistake that Buck made, telling him how it should be.
They get into bed together, even if there are hundreds of miles between them, and fall asleep on the call.
Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever been more happy. If he could stay wrapped up in this moment, the knowledge that Chris will forgive him with time and that he and Buck aren’t over, he would.
That’s the last thought that crosses his mind before he drifts off to sleep, a smile on his lips.
Footnote
Translation: Only if you actually give me the right time next time. return to text