Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“This is Marcus”

“Hi Mr Kane. It’s Clarke Griffin”

”Clarke! So nice to hear from you. And congratulations on a successful night” 

“Thank you Mr Kane. What can i do for you?” 

“There’s an opportunity I wanted to discuss with you. One that involves going to Paris”

”I’ve bought a gallery over there and am sponsoring a few artists to do some work for me. I’d like you to be one of them” 

“For how long?”

”A year at least. It’ll be up to you if you’d like to stay longer. Your travel expenses would be reimbursed. Over the course of the year, I’d like you to have at least 5 paintings i can showcase and sell. Are you up for that challenge?”

“Yes. I am” 

Knowing im coming back home is..strange. I dont know how to feel about it because i havent felt anything in a long time. Paris was the opportunity of a lifetime. To paint and have my work hung up for this incredible city to see really made my career take off more than it already has. I contemplated staying. Living here for good. It was such a much needed reset. But i miss my mom and Raven. When my lease expired on my flat, Marcus asked me if i was going to renew it. A part of me wanted to. I did fall in love with this city. The people. The atmosphere. It really rejuvenated the artist in me. Harper has been keeping my gallery in Polis in check. Like she always has. And after everyone found out i was moving to Paris for a while, business has been booming with people asking about what im willing to sell from the quote unquote ‘international Polis legend’. So dramatic. I never dreamed of fame. Never cared for the attention but that’s how i make a living. I really didn’t know how people here would react to my pieces. It made me nervous. Were they more conservative? Did i have to cater to their tastes? No. I didnt want to lose myself just to make a dollar. Im glad i stuck to my roots. To who i am. Because everyone loved it. The grand opening was…extravagant to say the least. Marcus outdid himself. It felt like a red carpet event. I wasnt prepared for that but i stood in front of my work with my head held high and nails digging into my palms that i hid behind my back. I couldnt understand a lot of the criticism at first because well..they spoke in French. There were a lot of finger pointing. Too much whispering. It wasnt until one person came up to me asking ‘Combien?’ Had no idea what that meant. Then she started rubbing her fingers together..aaaah..money..how much? I waved Marcus over who brought a group of people with him. They started talking. More and more started to ask him who i was. How much my work was worth. He showed them pictures of my work in the states. It was a done deal from there. 

“Clarke?” 

“Hey you” She gives me a kiss on the cheek 

“Dinner?”

“Yeah i’ll be there in a minute” 

“Okay, love” 

I take a look back as she enters our kitchen. I wasnt totally alone here. Niylah was another artist Marcus sponsored and we agreed to live together. She’s quite adept to traveling and helped me get settled in. It also helps that she speaks four languages, French being one of them. Niylah and i’s friendship really blossomed over the course of a year. Our art style differs so much yet we compliment each other in a way that made the gallery of Marcus’s shine. She calmed me down during the opening. Pulled me away from the crowd and translated questions people were asking me. She was a lifesaver really. I know what everyone is wondering. Have we hooked up? The answer is..yes. We have. And it wasnt bad by any means. But it’s clear i just didnt feel much more than drunken lust that one time we shared a bed. Afterwards, we laid there in silence until she couldnt hold it in anymore. She asked me how i was feeling and i broke down. Told her how i left everything including Lexa behind and it’s been weighing on me. I havent heard from her since i left. She never answered any of my calls or texts. And it killed me. I thought maybe just maybe she’d show up at the airport like that one scene in Friends. Yeah no. This isnt a romcom and I was an idiot. To have that thought in my head at all was so fucking stupid of me. She didnt care at all that i was leaving. The last conversation we ever had was the one where we..broke up? Is that what we call it. It doesnt matter. Not like i thought about her every second of every goddamn day while i was here. The paintings i did definitely have hints of her in it however i was more discreet this time. I didnt have her face plastered on the wall. Not her eyes. Not her hair. Not that smile. Just her essence and im the only one who knows. 

“So” Niylah pours me a glass of wine

“You ready to go home soon?”

I sigh and take a sip of my drink. A part of me is. I havent visited at all. My mom came to see me once but i havent seen Raven other than through FaceTime. I wouldnt necessarily say I’ve been lonely here because I had Niylah but it was all so unfamiliar and sometimes i just wished i could drive over to my favorite bar and see Murphy’s irritated  face as he pours me a cocktail.

“I think so”

“You dont sound so thrilled”

“Well im gonna miss this place..im gonna miss you” I say honestly and she smiles. She takes my hand from across the table and squeezes. We have an interesting friendship, Niylah and i. Not necessarily friends with benefits but always had a special connection, I just never saw myself in anything formally romantic with her. And i think she feels the same about me. But sometimes when we’d have a little too much to drink and we’d be close, touching, laughing, flirting, I’d see a little something deeper in her eyes. How she would blink slowly, lick her lips, hold back a smile. Of course we’ve gotten to know each other well. We lived together for a year. She took care of me when i got in my head about…you know. And maybe that’s why she never pushed for anything more. Because deep down, she knows. She knows more than i know.  

“I’ll be here. I love Paris” Niylah’s decided to stay and renew the lease on her own. She’s taught me a lot about myself. I’ve definitely learned a lot about my sexuality being here. Europeans are so..open. And Niylah has really helped me accept that Im bisexual. I say that loud and proud now. 

“I cant believe of all places, you decided to settle down here”

“It’s a beautiful place to be” She pulls me up from my chair and takes me to the veranda. Yes we have a view of the Eiffel Tower. At night is my favorite. Leaning over the railing and staring out, i try to take a mental snap of this memory right here. 

“Are you gonna see her?”

My heart skips a beat when she asks and i dont have to ask who she’s talking about. She turns her body towards me and hides her face behind her glass. I cant bare to look her in the eye. With zero contact over the course of the last year, i still dont know why my heart still aches when i think about her. I should be fine. The thought of her shouldnt make me want to rip my chest wide open. Apparently distance makes the heart grow fonder, but no one said it would make you feel like you put it through a meat grinder followed by an incinerator. And it would be a repeated feeling, some days worse than others. I’ve dreamt about her on more than one occasion. The last conversation we had. The many moments we created. Her telling me she- - 

“I dont plan on it” i force myself out of this haze 

“Plans have a funny way of changing” she smirks 

“Anya and Raven are still together so if it happens, it happens” 

“You think she’s dating anyone?”

Im gonna be sick. Lexa with another person? Is this selfish of me to say i fucking hope not. But i know that’s probably not the case. If she was able to fall for me, it probably opened up the possibility for her to do it with another person. Maybe costia. She gave costia another chance. Fuck i really think im gonna throw up 

“I dont know” 

She turns back to staring out towards the Eiffel Tower. Sometimes i think Niylah and I could’ve been good together. In a timeline where i never met Lexa, never left a piece of myself with her, never felt myself break when i decided to leave, Niylah and I could have had a relationship. I mean, i do credit my bisexual awakening to Lexa. I dont know if i would’ve ever accepted i like women without her. But Niylah and I get along so well that it’s almost a shame we arent together. No drama. Just affection, Niylah knows how to talk to me. Touch me even. More than a friendship less than a relationship, we could have had something great. But it’s on me. Im the reason we’re not together. It’s difficult to give yourself to another person when you dont have anything to give. Unfortunately, Lexa holds my heart and all its pieces 

“Hmmm” Niylah hums into her glass

“What?”

“It’s been a year and you’re still pining, love”

“No im not”

“Listen, you know i dont judge. But i can see the anxiety in your eyes when you think about going back”

“It’s just..havent seen everyone in so long. I dont know what to expect”

“Expectations are the bane of our existence babe” 

“Couldnt agree more” I hold up my glass so she can clink hers with mine

“Are you gonna visit me?” I pout

“Maybe. Kinda sick of you” She teases and i gently nudge her. She puts her arm around me and we just stand there a little longer with my head on her shoulder. She places a lingering kiss to my temple and again it’s moments like these. Niylah is so great. Independent. No baggage. Brilliant. Talented. Granted, she’s never confessed any feelings for me. But why would she when she can read me like a book? 

“Of course, I’ll visit” She holds me tighter 

“You’ll always have a home here, Clarke..just in case things dont work out there you know?”  

My heart sinks a little bit. Why wouldnt my original place of living not feel like home? I mean Polis and I do have a strained relationship. It’s where I’ve gotten my heart broken multiple times. But Paris? It’s mended just a little at least. Being in the city of love, I’ve felt more in tune with myself. Felt at least a little ounce of peace since being here. It just never felt permanent. Polis calls to me in a way that Paris hasnt and i just know it’s time to go back. Face my demons…or not. We’ll have to wait and see

“Thank you Niylah..for everything. I would’ve never been able to get through this year without you”

“Not true honey. You would’ve been successful with or without me”

“Well im glad it was with you” 

I lift my head up and just look at her. She really is beautiful. Not just physically, but her soul as well. You can see it in her paintings, in the way she talks to people. She’s a charmer. Has this appreciation for life. She’s so…good and i wish..god do i wish i could get passed this wall of unrequited love i have for someone else because Niylah and i would make an amazing couple.

All these confusing thoughts mixed with alcohol..maybe i should just try you know? What’s the harm in that? Maybe we just need to sleep together one more time.. I dont know how it happens but i start to lean in

“Clarke..” She stops me and i realize what i was doing. Stupid move.  Niylah isnt someone i can get under to get over someone else. 

“Shit”

“Yeah…you’re….you’re feeling a lot of things right now. I dont want to take advantage of you”

“You never have”

“And i never will. Come..let’s go back inside and watch a movie”

See? Niylah is and always will be good

“CLARKEEEE” Raven answers my FaceTime call with much enthusiasm as usual 

“Must you be so loud every time?” I feign annoyance because the quiet here made me miss her loud mouth every now and then 

“I need you to hear me from all the way over here!” 

“I do Ray. Trust me I do”

“Are you all packed?”

“Almost. I have so much shit”

“Dont forget about my presents!”

“Maybe that’s why i cant fit all this crap in boxes. I’ll have to leave your presents behind”

“DONT YOU DARE”  She yells and i laugh. She watches me tape box after box together 

There’s a stillness in the room that ensues after i grab another box and look around at what i have left. I can tell she wants to tell me something. Or at least ask me something. I look at my phone and see her playing with the ends of her hair

“What’s up Ray?”

“Um nothing”

“You got quiet all of a sudden”

“Well…i just wanted to let you know..i saw Lexa the other day”

Raven knows better than to bring her up. I dont know what could possibly be the reason for her doing such a thing. I swallow and i take a deep breath

“So?”

“I feel like i should tell you…she’s seeing someone”

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt my heart drop and crack. Ive done a fairly good job at healing it when i moved. Not putting it in harm’s way. Niylah and i only had something physical and it never progressed into anything more. I didnt date anyone else here. I just had to be alone and find who i was as a person..without another human being telling me who i am. And i think i’ve figured me out for the most part. I have accepted my sexuality and it feels like the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders. Granted, I’ve only flirted with one woman here and that’s Niylah. She’s helped me become comfortable in my own skin. She’s become somewhat of a queer sensei to me. But even if i have accepted that Im bi, it doesnt mean I’m all that open to hooking up with every woman i see. Or even talking to them and figuring out if they’re interested in me as well. Dating is..difficult. It’s been a whirlwind of emotion. Mostly good because i cant be called that confused girl anymore. Not that anyone has ever called me that but it’s what i thought about myself. So now i can proudly say i like women as well and explore that more..if i want to. I just dont know if i want to.. yet

So considering all this time apart and the vast selection of women we both can pursue, it shouldnt surprise me finding out Lexa is seeing someone. But it does and it hurts and i dont know why she still gets a reaction out of me. Im not all that great at hiding it either cause Raven sees me freeze. 

“Clarke? Did you hear me?”

“Yeah i heard you”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t i be?” An obvious lie and i cant even hide it

“I dont know im just asking”

“Well Im fine”

“Really? Cause all those breakables you threw in that box say otherwise”

Fuck. I look down and.. a cracked plate

“Shit” i begin picking up the pieces, carefully making sure not to cut myself

Should i ask

No dont

You wont like the answer

But you need to know 

Is she cute?

Pretty?

Probably better looking than you

Fuck you brain

“Who is it” i ignore every warning bell. I must love pain because why on earth would i ask that damn question? Whats next? Asking for a picture?

“Clarke…”

“Is it Costia?” I cant stop the question vomit

“No..no Costia moved to Arkadia. She visits sometimes but not a lot” 

That should make me feel relieved. As pathetic as that sounds. No one could possibly be better looking than that woman, but this information only made me more anxious. Lexa would never downgrade. I mean never. If i was fucking intimidated by Costia’s appearance, i just know whoever this new woman is must be a fucking goddess. But i shouldnt fucking care. I shouldnt. It’s been so long with zero contact unless you count knowing we look at each other’s stories on instagram. We havent replied, not even liked anything but she hasnt forgotten about me. Maybe im delusional but it makes me feel better. 

“How long?” 

“Maybe 4 months. They’re taking it slow”

“Is she- -“

“Clarke..dont. I just wanted to warn you cause you know..me and Anya are still together and we hang out with them”

I stop my incessant question-asking because she’s right. This won’t do me any good. 

“How’s Niylah?” She changes the subject

“She’s good. Im gonna miss her”

“Bring her with you”

“I wish i could but she loves it here”

“Well who wouldn’t?? It’s fucking Paris. Im surprised you havent found any European women to stash in your suitcase and bring back” she says and i laugh 

“Havent really looked”

“And why not Clarke? You’ve been there for a year on a journey of self discovery and you havent hooked up with anyone but Niylah. It’s PARIS” 

“I know i know i just..i was busy with work. It’s not like i was eating croissants and sipping on lattes all day”

“Oh please. You’re using that as an excuse. You’re just missing your wing woman” She enthusiastically points at herself 

“I guess i do kinda miss you”

“Oh hush. You miss me A LOT. We’re gonna go crazy when you get back”

“Ray no. I dont want any big party. Just dinner is fine”

“Uh huh” She ignores me which means she already has something planned 

“Ray im serious nothing big”

“Define big because this whole damn city misses you”

“You’re exaggerating”

“Umm has Harper told you how busy your gallery’s been? Ever since you shipped back one of your paintings from there, it’s been flooded with people trying to get a peak of what you’ve made”  

There was a month here where i was painting nonstop. Literally nonstop. Morning to night, i had a brush in my hand because inspiration hit me like a truck. I didnt tell anyone i was shipping anything back so when Harper received a massive box that she had to sign for, she was freaking out a bit. My rendition of the Eiffel Tower, it wasnt much of a tower but had the foundation and shape of it. Half black and white and half in color, it looks like two paintings in one. The longer you look, the more you see and no one has really been able to figure out what it’s supposed to be but i guess that’s why people are so invested. 

“Im glad people like it”

“We’re all very excited for new material when you come back”

“Yeah i have a lot of ideas. Being here really opened up my mind. Its the best thing i could’ve done for my career”

And my life honestly. I didnt feel trapped in Polis but i felt..uncomfortably comfortable. Like it’s everything I’ve known and i never really thought to expand my horizons. And god did i expand my damn horizons. Everything I’ve created here is different. Very bold and explosive whereas Niylah’s work complimented mine in a more subtle way. When you’re done wanting to claw your brain out from staring at the ideological thought-provoking strokes of my work, you’d look at Niylah’s paintings and feel a sense of calm ruminating through you.   

“Well it’s time to come home Clarkey”

“It is”

“What time am i picking you up again?”

“3p.m. On Saturday. Is my house still standing?”

“Duh. I had it deep cleaned two days ago”

“You’re the best”

“I know. I gotta go. I love you. See you soon!”

When Raven hangs up, I finish taping up my last few boxes and take a nap. Two more days. Two more days until im home again

“Niy!” 

“Niy can you come in here pleaaseee” 

When Niylah pops her head into my room, she sees me struggling with my luggage

“Sit on it”

“Damn, buy a girl dinner first” she teases and I’ll probably miss her sense of humor the most

“My suitcase, stupid” I point down 

“You know you dont have to bring everythingggg. You can leave some stuff just in case you wanna come back”

“I did leave some stuff under the bed. But i didnt want to leave too much in case you get a new roommate”

“I dont think that’s gonna happen. I like my space”

“You didnt say anything like that while we lived together”

“Well i liked YOU in my space. I dont want anyone else living here”

Niylah’s never needed anyone. Traveling, exploring, doing everything on her own so im sure living with someone was new to her. im surprised she liked me around just cause this isnt what she’s used to. I definitely enjoyed her company so it’ll be a lot different when im back in my house alone 

“Fuck what did you put in here??”

“Everything i could”

Finally the suitcase zips and Niylah plops down on my bed to lay on it. I take the spot next to her and she grabs my hand. We lay there in silence for a while just staring up at the ceiling. I’ll miss the quiet. I’ll miss the calm. I’ll miss the simplicity of it all. Why am i choosing to go back to a place haunted by memories that make my heart hurt? My divorce, my not break-up with Lexa? Paris was always supposed to be temporary. A clean slate. A way for me to decompress and learn about myself. And i think I’ve accomplished that which is why i know it’s time for me to go back.

“I can hear you thinking”

“This is just a lot”

“Polis is your home”

“So is this place..with you” I smile when i look at her and she returns it

“If it doesnt work out, im sure Marcus would love to have you back here. I know i would”

“I didnt cramp your style?” I smirk

“Nope. I was quite fond of your company believe it or not”

“Well so was I. When you come visit me, there’s a guest room with your name on it”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Maybe next month i can see you? Let you get settled in first”

“I’d love that Niy” I turn over and lay on her chest. Even if romantically nothing was ever there, we felt secure and content with each other. She’s seen me weep over Lexa some nights when I’d get too drunk. She’s comforted me when i couldnt sleep the first few weeks here because i was so homesick. She’s been such a rock in my life that I  can feel the panic building up knowing she wont be there when i get home to bask in her peaceful visage. 

“Now come on. Let’s have our last dinner together then lay on the couch. I have to bring you to the airport early”

“Ugh…dont remind me. It’s gonna suck”

“You’ll be okay, love” she pulls me up from the bed and drags me to the kitchen. I really am gonna miss this woman 

…

.…

..

The car ride to the airport was..solemn. I held Niylah’s hand the entire way there. I even think i saw her tear up a bit but she’d never admit it

”Goddammit” I laugh and sniffle at the same time

“Why’d you make me like you so much you asshole” I throw my arms around her shoulders when she parks at the terminal

“Im a lovable person what can i say” She holds me tight

”Hey” She pulls away from me to wipe the tears in my eyes

“I mean it when i tell you that you’ll always have a home here okay? Like anytime you want to just hop on a plane and run from the stress of it all..or if you just miss me a bunch, you have a key”

”I’ll probably be back next week” I smile, the tears still running 

“Well I’ll be here”

I almost stay. Why go back to a city full of heartbreak when i was living in the city that nearly restored my faith in love? I look at Niylah and dont have an answer to why im doing this to myself. It was so easy here. I didnt have to worry about running into someone i knew and making small talk. I spent a lot of time by myself. I’d sip on coffee in the corner table at the nearby cafe and just stare out the window. Or I’d walk into a book store and read for a bit without anyone distracting me. I’d admire the flowers at the flower shop and bring some home once a week. It was so… unproblematic. So why the hell am i doing this to myself? Going back to the states where everything nonstop and loud and busy? 

Because the people you love are there that’s why 

She helps me with my baggage and walks me to security 

“I love you, Niylah. Thank you for everything”

”I love you too…text me when you take off and when you land”

“I will”

Sitting through this long ass flight is the worst part of it all. Raven’s done her best to organize the boxes that were delivered to my house and Harper put away my art supplies she received as well. It really helps to have people you can rely on. My mom has texted me a million times how excited she is to see me. I wont lie, I’ve missed her the most. It stressed me out knowing she didnt have me readily available to visit whenever she wanted but Raven’s kept her company when she could. So as i sit here by myself in first class with my feet propped up and three mimosas in, i cant help but think of all the people im gonna see when i get settled. Of course my mind drifts to..her. The only person i’ve thought about every single day since I’ve left. It’s stupid and pathetic and just plain sad because she’s let me go and I’ve accepted that she’s probably gonna be the one that got away.  We all have that person. Lexa’s mine. Even if i had a hard time accepting my sexuality back then, i have now and what i felt for her was real. So fucking real. She’s somehow enveloped herself around every nerve ending i have. As much as I’ve tried to forget her, be with someone else...my heart still yearned for her. And i know this is definitely not a mutual feeling. She’s had women drop to their knees and cry for her countless times. Granted, she never told them she loved them. Three words she probably regrets now that time has passed. I cant help but wonder about her girlfriend. Raven didnt give me a name. Not a description. Nothing because she knows I’d stalk. Do some research and find out. I even went on Lexa’s instagram and didnt find anything. A few months together is still fairly new. A big deal to Lexa because she doesnt just get girlfriends. What will she think once she finds out I’m still single. Bisexual and proud? Would that change anything? God no dont think about that. I’ve already fucked her chance at happiness with Costia. I wont do that to her again. Maybe a friendship can start. A real one. 

Maybe if you werent in love with her it could 

“Good afternoon everyone. This is your pilot speaking. T-minus 10 minutes until we land in Polis”

I jolt awake when i hear the announcement. Fuck. Im actually back.

Chapter Text

“You’re doing so well”

“It helps when your tattoo artist is hot”

“Oh shut up. Like you’re not covered head to toe already”

“Well i will be after this” i dab the needle in black and that’s when she leans up to kiss me 

“Hey hey hey no inappropriate behavior in the workplace” I gently push her back down on my chair

“Fine..but later?”

“Later” I smile and continue coloring in her sleeve. I dont usually make eye contact with my clients but she’s not just another client

“Lexa when you’re done with her can you check your calendar if you can fit this person in? I dont have time next week” Anya peaks her head into the room

“Yeah. Im almost done”

After I’ve completed the last details of the face on her outer arm, i wipe down her skin and she sits up to look down at the finished product

“God babe this is amazing”

“Like it?”

“Are you kidding? I fucking love it” She throws her arms over me and i give her a sweet peck to her cheek

“Okay love birds can you not do that here? Clients are waiting” Lincoln smirks from behind the counter as we walk through the beads

“Ring me up”

“On the house”

“Shut the hell up. This piece was massive. No way im not paying for it”

“Im not charging you” I wash my hands and check the calendar for my next appointment 

“Lexa!”

“What a perk it is to have a tattoo artist as your girlfriend” Lincoln chuckles and that word..it still does something to me. Not completely comfortable with the label but getting there. I watch her admire her new tattoo like she doesnt have dozens of them. I get the same way. My next tattoo will always be my favorite and i can tell she’s in awe. It is beautiful. And so is she

“You’re staring” Octavia whispers next to me. I didnt even know she was there

“Yeah well she’s hot” I shrug and she gives me a playful shove

“I think we’ve both agreed this is more than just physical” Anya cuts in and i dont dare look at that smug smile on her face

Is that what we agreed? Anya, Octavia and I got drunk a week ago together in my house. O, of course, swooned over how much she loves Lincoln. I’ve never felt envy for anyone else’s relationship before but her and Lincoln? Pretty much made for each other and it made me wonder if I’d ever find that. Or if i wanted to find that. Last time i had feelings for someone- -

I stop the thoughts before they can consume me yet again. Luna and I met about 4 months ago. She was a client of mine and even if i promised Anya i would never ever hit on a customer ever again, something clicked. She was funny, obviously attractive and persistent. And not in the annoying pushy way. A gentle touch here.  A quick compliment there and i found myself finding space in my busy schedule to accommodate her. Anya didnt give me too much grief about dating a client especially cause it didnt interfere with work. If anything she’s put me in a better mood. The last year I’ve walked around like a shell of a person. On auto-pilot. Numb. Not feeling any sort of emotion. Allie was worried about me. Our sessions were lacking any sort of substance. She knew i was lying about  how i was feeling. She knew i was saying things she wanted to hear. It was a rough first three months. I dont remember a lot of it. And it’s not because i went on a drinking spree or a fuck feast. I secluded myself..from everyone. 

She told me she was leaving through a voicemail and i couldnt bring myself to say anything..do anything. It was the middle of the night and of course i was awake. Sleep has never been my friend. I watched the phone ring like I’ve done so many times before. Her name big and bright on the screen. My heart stopped beating the whole 10 seconds it rang in my hands. But at the same time, it’s the first time i felt my heart do anything at all for days. I was surprised to see that she actually left a voicemail. Who does that anymore? She’s never done that before. What’s so important that she’d need it recorded so I’d have to hear it? Little did i know how fucking significant that voicemail would be. It replays in my head more than i’d like. In my dreams..in my nightmares. When im alone. When im with people. At the worst times. Word for word, i can hear her voice and it haunts me like the ghost of our memories. 

Lexa….Hey it’s.. it’s me. I know it’s late but i dont know when else I’d be able to tell you this. I miss you. So fucking much. And before you ask, yeah im drunk but it doesnt matter. I miss you when im sober too. I hope…i hope youre doing okay. You can tell by the fact that im calling you at 1 a.m. how well im doing. Ive been dreading this call because i wasnt even sure if i should call you. Or tell you..or if you care that im- -

The pause was so long, i thought she had hung up

Im moving lexa. To Paris. I dont know for how long I’ll be there but I leave in two days. I couldnt not tell you. Fuck, it was hard enough telling everyone else but you? It just hits a little harder. I really am sorry for how things ended between us. That’s not how i wanted things to go at all. You’ve been everything- -

She stops talking and i swear i hear a sob but it was so quick. She tries to save face by clearing her throat 

It doesnt matter anymore. Lexa I hope one day we can be in each other’s lives. Just know..I’ll miss you.. a lot. May we meet again 

The voicemail ended and i stared at my phone for what felt like days. In the darkness of my room, the only light came from my screen. I listened to the voicemail till i fell asleep. 

Fast forward through me almost losing it completely and having emergency sessions with Allie, i met Luna. I wasnt looking for anything with anyone. Not at clubs, bars, not even the gym. I really closed myself off. Even my friends were worried about the fact that i didnt have any stories about random hook ups or one night stands. I became hollow and void of any emotion. And im not the type to base my happiness off another person’s company so imagine my surprise when things started to look up the more time Luna and i spent together. At first she was quite the mystery, not really knowing what her intentions were with me. Did she just want to have sex? Was i okay with that? Yeah i used to be but I was going through a dry spell and something switched off in me. My libido isnt what it used to be. One day i decided to rip the band aid right off and ask. She was so goddamn offended that I’d think she would only want me for one thing and one thing only. A part of me wanted something simple. Something i was used to. So yeah maybe i was thinking she’d want a friends with benefits type of relationship. But she actually looked..hurt. Like she thought that i thought thats all she was good for. But no. I didnt think that. We formed a real connection. Granted, it’s nothing all consuming and brain altering like the one i had with….

Anyway. She’s been good and fun and it’s what I’ve needed. I feel..content. In the beginning it was hard seeing anya and Raven together cause it only reminded me of…her. So i distanced myself until Raven gave me a good talking to. That woman has no filter. She really is meant for Anya. Now we all hang out together. Raven is careful to never mention her around me. Everyone is. It’s almost as if she doesnt exist anymore and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing. Did i wanna erase all those memories from my life completely? Well i couldnt do that but i pushed them so deep within me that i just ignore the feeling all together. Unreachable. Inaccessible. Its buried. I have Luna now and im..im okay with that . I wont make the same mistake twice 

“Yeah Luna is..she’s great” i admit..my smile is there and maybe it doesnt quite reach my eyes but it’s there

“She is. You coming over for dinner tonight?” 

“Are you cooking or Raven?”

“Me. Raven’s not allowed to cook for you anymore…not after she almost killed you with those ghost peppers” 

“God she’s terrible” I laugh and watch as Anya turns to talk to Luna

“Luna you wanna come over for dinner tonight?”

“I wish i could but i have plans with my sister later” She pouts and tip toes to plant a kiss on my cheek

“Boooo” I throw my arm around her shoulder

“I know. Next time i promise”

My next client comes in and Luna gives me a kiss before saying bye to everyone. This is how most days would go now. So…routine. And the old me would say boring but i like the predictability now. I like knowing whats next and what im waking up to. I dont go out and party all night anymore. Just a drink here and there. I definitely dont scope out women to distract me from my own problems. Allie is quite proud of me 

“Bye Luna” i walk her out and come back inside to take care of my next client

“Guys I’m heading out. I have my appointment”

“See you for dinner?” Anya says 

“Yeah I’ll go straight to your place” 

“Cool. See you later” 

I bought an SUV. Weird i know. But after last winter’s blizzards and the below freezing temps. I told myself i needed a second option. So now i have a a 4Runner and i do love this bad boy. Now i only really use my bike in the spring and fall.

Being at Allie’s used to make me feel..miserable. Sitting here waiting for my appointment knowing that afterwards i wasn’t gonna see a certain someone really got to me for a while. And of course Allie noticed because I’d stare into space. I wouldnt be very receptive. I was physically there but mentally elsewhere. For the first time since I’ve known her, she asked about being prescribed an antidepressant. Thats when i did my best to snap out of it. And did i? No. Not for a while but i was more aware of how i was feeling which was a start. Still when the sessions were done, i found myself searching for the person i fell for knowing she wasnt even in the same country as me. It broke me. 

“Lexa? Im ready for you” i hear while i sit there with my knee bouncing 

Back in the day, I’d walk in with my face as stone cold as Medusa. I didnt mean to. Smiling was never my strong suit. But now i give Allie some semblance of a smile and i can tell it catches her off guard every time

“How’s it going Lexa?”

“Oh you know. Same old same old. Just like i like it”

God i never thought I’d say that before. I used to thrive off adventure and spontaneity. I hated routine. I was bored so damn easily. But now..it’s all i crave. To know what’s coming because not being able to predict what happens next gives me anxiety these days. I gave uncertainty a chance with a straight woman. I gave..us a chance and look where it left me. She moved and i stayed. I fell in love and she- -

“And how are you and Luna?” 

“We’re good. Taking things slow”

“And not seeing anyone else?”

“Nope. Dont have any desire to meet anyone else either” i say with confidence and i see the subtle smile on Allie’s face

“Thats great Lexa. And work?”

“Busy as hell. Cant catch a break” i sound frustrated but in actuality it gives me a reason not to think about anything at all. When im not moving, my mind runs rampant and travels to a place i dont want

“We talked about you being a workaholic”

“Yeah i know but i have nothing better to do than work so…” I shrug

“Spend time with your friends..and yourself of course” 

“Im not great company”

Fuck

Didnt mean to say that out loud 

“What do you mean?”

Great

Just when i thought i was doing well

“Just like..you know. When you’re alone you have some..thoughts”

“Thoughts about?”

“Just everything. How i got here. What’s happened over the course of a year”

She pauses and matches my gaze. I can tell by how she’s staring she wants to ask but we had an agreement a while ago not to bring it up unless i do. She wouldnt dare break it. That would go against all the progress we’ve made. She knows better. She fucking knows better

She doesnt say anything. She stays quiet and it’s cause she knows the silence makes me uncomfortable now. But i wont fall into the trap.  So i keep my composure..kind of. She watches me take my jacket off cause it’s getting hot. I swear its like 100 degrees in here what the hell. I start to squeeze an invisible stress ball and Allie continues to analyze my nervous mannerisms 

“I havent thought about her”

FUCK

She still doesnt say anything. She wants me to keep talking but im not going to

“Im happy with Luna”

She tilts her head to the side and silently asks me to continue 

“I mean it’s easy with her you know? Shes a lesbian. Gets along with my friends. She’s not moving anywhere.. It’s..easier..yeah”

“Is that the most important thing to you?”

“What? The difficulty level of my relationship?”

“Yes”

“Well i definitely dont want something complicated. Not again” 

Shit. Just when i thought i was steering away from talking about her 

“Lexa…”

“I know i know..not everything  should be revolved around convenience but i like that what me and luna have is very..convenient” 

“Just like what you and Costia had?” 

She challenges to bring up which only sours my mood. What the fuck was that? I havent thought about Costia since we found out she was moving. We did attempt a friendship at first but she was always searching for something more. Safe to say she was ecstatic when she found out..blank..was moving but i was…i was distraught and it rubbed me the wrong way to find out she was so happy. So eventually Costia left too and i felt bad because Anya was upset about it. Her only family was leaving and even if she claims it was for a different career opportunity, something tells me it was deeper than that. 

“It’s not like that” I defend and it really isnt. I like Luna. She’s funny, carefree and very go with the flow. Our connection came naturally. I mean at first I was very resistant. Not ready. But through our few sessions to finish one of her tattoos, i really enjoyed our conversations. 

“It’s easy, yes but i wont make the same mistake twice” I’ve repeated so many times i feel like this should be my next tattoo on myself

“Is there someone that is making you question the decisions you’re making?”

I look down at my steaming cup of tea. No there isnt. Im not sure why im talking like this. There’s no one else. No one I’ve thought about besides Luna so i dont know what this is about. My mind is either preoccupied by work or her so..this is..this is stupid

“No. What are you trying to say?” Im getting defensive and mad and it’s coming out of nowhere

“Im not saying anything, I’m just asking Lexa” she says calmly and it only fires me up even more. My blood heats to a full blown boil and i cant stop my voice from raising 

“Well..well.. quit it! There’s nothing going on!” I yell and this…this isnt the first time I’ve blown up in here. It has been a while but my temper tantrums in the beginning of the year were unpredictable. If i wasnt numb, i was angry. And that’s very strange for me. I’ve never gotten mad at Allie before so i dont know where these emotions are coming from. Luckily for me, it doesnt phase her cause it’s happened twice in the past few months. The first time, it was my second session with her since..blank left. I felt so hopeless and all the questions Allie was asking me was just getting under my skin. Everything was triggering me. I responded with a loud and hefty shut the fuck up im trying to think! And she did not like that at all. She stepped out of the room for 5 minutes to give me time to recooperate. When she came back in, she found me..crying. And shit. I dont know if Allie has ever seen me cry but i was actually sobbing. That’s when we agreed we’d only talk about her if i brought her up. I let it all out once and dont need to do it again. The second time i blew up on her, i was having a particularly bad week. She had posted a picture with that blonde from her gallery. Apparently they live together in Paris? What kind of bullshit is that? And she looked sooo fucking..happy. She was being carried on Niylah’s back and they had taken a picture in their newly furnished flat and it just..it pissed me the fuck off. I stormed in Allie’s office so angry, pacing, screaming into the pillow and Allie had no idea she was gonna be dealing with yet another tantrum of mine for no reason other than i fucking miss her. I miss her i miss her i fucking miss her

“Lexa..count with me” 

Before i lose complete control, Allie bravely approaches and grabs my hands

“One”

In peace may you leave the shore 

“Two”

In love may you find the next

“Three”

Safe passage on your travels 

“Four”

Until our final journey to the ground

“Five”

 May we meet again

I breathe, my eyes squeezed shut and I can feel the anger dissipate. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way. Allie lets go of my hands and walks back to her chair 

“Im sorry” I stop the tears before they can flow and Allie gives me a small smile

“Dont be. You’re okay”

“ i cant let myself get mad like that. I dont know what came over me”

“It’s okay to let yourself feel. You keep it all bottled up and this is what happens”

“But that’s the thing. I didnt know i was keeping anything bottled. Im doing well”

“Until something triggers you” she says and i cant even deny it. She’s right

“Are you still journaling?”

“Not really. Havent had time”

“If you dont want to talk to me about..you know what. Then maybe it’s a good idea you write about it. I’ll be here to discuss anything you write about if you’re up for it”

It’s a good idea but…I haven’t open up my journal since she left

“And if you want..use another notebook if the one you have right now holds too many memories”

God it’s like shes a mind reader

“Yeah…yeah maybe I’ll do that..im really sorry. I didnt mean to lose my temper” 

“I know you didnt. Dont worry, we’re working on it” She gives me a reassuring smile and i start to feel better 

After 15 minutes of attempting to discuss the root cause of my anger issues that have somehow only made an appearance over the last year, Allie lets me go and i just have a lot to think about. I dont like being this person. The one that’s overly sensitive who flips out for no real reason. I think i need to be more thoughtful. 

I make my way over to Anya’s, emotionally exhausted because these therapy sessions always do it for me. Im just ready to eat then go home and sleep. I use my key to invite myself in and already smell the aroma of Anya’s cooking

“An, Raven im here” I yell as i take my shoes off

“Kitchen!”

“Smells good” I greet Anya by the stove while Raven pours me a glass of wine

“Thanks”  i take it from Raven and i can feel the nerves calm as the taste of Pinot reaches my lips 

“How was Allie’s?”

“Fine. Unloaded a lot as per usual” 

“Good. You’re always so aloof and mysterious” Raven boops me on the nose and i swear if it was anyone else, they’d be met with my fist to their cheek

“Yeah yeah not so much anymore” 

I help setting the table up but in the corner of my eye i see whispering between Anya and Raven. I catch them lightly smacking each other on the arm as they..argue? 

“You guys okay?”

“What?” They both turn around 

“Whatre you guys fighting about”

“Nothing..we’re not fighting”

“Okay?”

Weird. But i brush it off when the food is set down in front of me. 

“More wine?” Anya asks but i take a look at my glass and its still practically full

“No? I didnt finish this one yet”

“Oh..right..right” 

“What the hell is wrong with you”

“Nothing!” She says but I’m not convinced and thats when i glance at Raven who immediately shoves a mouthful of rice into her mouth 

“Why are you guys being fucking weird” i finally say and Raven nearly chokes

“We’re not. You’re being weird”

“How am i being weird?”

“I dont know”

“Whatever. Im finishing this then going home to sleep”

“Wait..ugh” Anya rubs her temples

“Fine. There is something we need to talk to you about…” anya admits and i narrow my eyes at her. They dont say anything afterwards. Just waiting for me to guess i think? My eyes widen when realization hits me

“You’re pregnant” 

Now Raven is actually choking and Anya stands up to slap her back. I let out a laugh as Raven almost keels over and spits out a piece of bone

“No you idiot!”

I shrug and smirk. Raven finally catches her breath and Anya sits down throwing back the rest of her wine

“You guys gonna tell me what’s going on now? Im tired of guessing”

“Terrible first guess”

“Im not in the mood. Im tired”

“Why? Cause of your session with Allie?”

“Yes actually that’s exactly why. I got mad again”

“Over what?”

“Nothing. You know i dont like to talk about it” i shut it down and they leave it alone. They know better than to ask the details of what Allie and I talk about it 

I catch them gives each other the side eye and now im nervous. I dont like being left in the dark 

“Um” Raven starts and i dont think I’ve ever seen this girl at a loss for words. Trying hard to figure out how to start and if i wasnt anxious before, i definitely am now

“Will one of you fucking spit it out”

“Clarke is coming back” 

Anya says with no regard for my emotional well-being whatsoever. And maybe there was no other way to put it because how else would you say the girl that ripped my heart out is coming to town? Will she bring my heart back as well? Stitched and repaired? Will she sew it back into my chest? Maybe the ventricles will be bedazzled with the Paris lights and i wouldnt feel so damn dark inside. I feel my lungs collapsing, my skin tingle and now i cant breathe. 

“Lexa?” I just barely hear but what’s louder is the ringing, the sirens, the alarms going off in my ears. Should i leave? Maybe it’s my turn to move. Are we taking turns? I cant possibly be in the same city as that woman. 

“Lexa. Hey. Do you hear me?” Anya is now in front of my face. I hear Raven’s chair slide back and now there’s a cup of water next to me. I take a huge gulp, followed by the rest of my wine

“She’s…visiting?” I somehow muster up and they get back into their seats before taking a sip of their drink themselves 

“No, Lex” Raven clears her throat

“She’s coming back..as in shes moving back” 

Oh god, one organ failing at a time. First my lungs, now my nerves that control my senses. My hearing, my vision. My brain has a reel on repeat.. her smile, her laugh, her touch, her eyes. Those motherfucking eyes.  They see me in my dreams, my nightmares. I’ve woken up drenched in sweat after being consumed by blue. Like coming up for air after drowning, i was both relieved yet disappointed when i woke up alone in my bed. Is that the only way i can feel close to her? To submerge myself in the freezing cold sea of what was once the most gorgeous marine I’ve ever seen. No. No no no. This cant be happening 

“When” I ask

“She’ll be here tomorrow”

“And you’re just telling me now?!” I stand, the chair behind my toppling

“Lexa…sit down please”

“No! Why wouldnt you warn me?!”

“Warn you about what Lexa? That my best friend is moving back? You’re seeing someone!”

“It doesnt matter! I..i needed to know because .because…”

“Because what? You told her you wanted things to end. You’re the reason she- -“

“ENOUGH!” Anya yells between us and slaps her hands on the table. I swear the walls rattle, the ground shakes, all cause Anya’s angry voice is terrifying. 

“Sit the fuck down. Both of you” she orders, the stare down me and Raven were having coming to a screeching halt

“Lexa. We didnt tell you because this is how you’d react. Regardless of us telling you a week ago or today, it wouldnt have mattered. And dont say it would have” 

Anya doesnt know anything. Neither does Raven. It would’ve given me time to prepare..mentally. Emotionally. Now i have what? 24 hrs? I only have 24 hours to…prepare to see her again and it sends a searing panic through my brain

“It would’ve! It definitely would’ve!” I lean forward and nearly push over my wine glass

“Hey. Calm down” 

“Dont tell me to calm down! You both lied to me!”

“Lied? About what? There’s nothing to lie about! I found out two months ago and I only told Anya last week” Raven says and i know she’s trying hard to control herself as well. I see Anya lay a hand on her forearm, effectively calming her down. I, however, know if anyone touches me right now I’ll blow up

“I.. I…” 

One

In peace may you leave the shore 

Two

In love may you find the next

Three

Safe passage on your travels 

Four

Until our final journey to the ground

Five

May we meet again

“Lexa…you dont have to see her you know that right?” Anya says and i only hear Raven scoff

“How would she not see her, An? You and i are living together. At some point they’ll have to be around each other”

“I just didn’t mean tomorrow. She doesnt have to come to the party”

They start to have their own side conversation, Raven frustrated with my attitude and Anya defending me as always. I need to be alone. I need to breathe. Today wasnt at all what i wanted. I like order. Patterns. Predictability. This isnt it. Not my life anymore. I have to get out of here

“I have to go”

“Wait Lex” 

Im up and out before they can catch me. I have to go home. Be alone. Gather my thoughts. The drive is a blur. Mainly cause i was speeding and i got tunnel vision. I immediately run into my basement and find my wall of cardboard boxes. Some empty, some not. I find the three that arent. I pull at the plastic wrap and slide the canvases out then drop onto the floor to painfully admire what I’ve been avoiding since i bought them anonymously. An offer Clarke’s entire management team (aka Harper and raven) couldnt refuse, they stay safe and sound in my basement still protected by the packaging they came in. Yes, they took a good amount out from my savings but it’s nothing a few big tattoo sessions couldnt fix. The funny thing is, i had paid my neighbor to speak to Harper about the sale and the address for them to be sent to. Not much had to be said. A check to my neighbor to buy the paintings and she wrote out one of her own to give to Harper so my name wouldnt be associated at all, i came home to three large boxes in front of my door one day. A whole year ago and this is the first time i fully pulled them out of their casings. Still beautiful. Still awestruck. Still tear inducing. Still heartbreaking. Still me. 

This cant be happening 

Chapter Text

“Fuck my life”

“You act like you didnt you know you had this much shit”

“I didnt know!”

“HOW! You sent the boxes!”

“I dont remember sending this many!”

“Well i do. Anya and I had to haul them in here all by my our damn selves”

Before i can argue more with Raven about how my house is filled with shit i dont even remember bringing to Paris, i receive a FaceTime call

“Niylah!” I beam and she waves through the camera

“Gimme gimme gimme!” Raven pulls the phone out of my hand

“Niy come get your girl. She’s completely unaware of how extra she is” Raven says as she turns the camera around to show her my living room surrounded by so many boxes, you can barely see my floor

“Wow. You know she left some stuff here too right?” Niylah laughs

“Did she now? Why???” Raven turns her head to glare at me

“Well when I inevitably go back to visit her of course” I appear behind Raven to point at the blonde on my phone

“Better be just to visit. You’re not leaving me again!!” Raven yells and engulfs me in a hug

“ i just wanted to make sure you got back safe” Niylah says as I push Raven off me

“I was gonna call you after i got settled but looks like it’ll take me decade to put all this crap away” I sigh. Maybe i can just throw this all away instead? Like who needs kitchen utensils 

“Next time keep the shopping at minimum, love”

“Hard to do when the clothes are amazingggg over there”

“You do have good taste” Niylah smiles and i can feel Raven awkwardly shifting on her heels

“Anyway umm..I’ll give you a call later Niy”

“Sounds good. Bye..and bye Raven”

After i hang up the phone, i can see Raven sucking her lips in between her teeth holding back whatever crude comments she wants to make

“Dont”

“What”

“You’re being stupid”

“How on earth am i being stupid”

“Cause you wanna say something”

“Yet I haven’t”

“But you will. So just spit it out” I drag my suitcases to the wall behind me..the one wall not occupied by boxes

“That woman is gonna be eternally in love with you” 

I immediately drop the rest of my bags on the floor

“Dont say that”

“Even miles and miles away i can see it. Why didnt you just give her a chance”

“Because the move was only temporary and we were living together. It would get complicated”

“When is love not complicated?” Raven questions and i mean.true but no

“It just…i dont know..it didnt feel right”

And i say that because it’s the truth. My feelings were very..inconsistent. One day i was into her..the next i wasnt…with alcohol of course everything i was feeling was heightened. She’s too good to have someone so wishy washy. And i couldn’t hurt Niylah like that. We never had an actual conversation about what we were doing. When we hooked up, it was silently agreed that this was going to be a one off. And i thought she was okay with that. I mean Niylah’s had all the experience in the world. I’ve seen her hit on women at the bar. Bring them home. Ive made breakfast for a few the morning after. So us sleeping together? I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal to her. Well there was a shift afterwards. Niylah started looking at me differently. Her tone more soft, her touch more gentle. And yes she’s always treated me so delicately but the way her eyes lingered, her smile would drift when I’d look away, how she’d bite her lip to keep herself from saying anything too…real. I noticed it. I noticed it all. And i thank her for never having the courage to actually admit her true feelings to me because I’d hate to lose her as a friend. She was the only reason i didn’t lose it most days over there..when the thoughts about..someone..would get too much, she would be there for me. Take me out. Watch movies with me. Cook dinner for me. She never pushed for me to talk about my feelings, accepting that i was in a bad mood she’d just simply be there and that was the best part of all. She was no therapist. She was my friend and was fine with what i gave her. On paper, Niylah and i would be great together. God i wish i was able to give her the part of me that i gave someone else, but how could i do that when it was never given back to me. I cant give someone something i dont have anymore. 

“You were holding back”

“I suppose i was..yes”

“Why though? Yeah you say your move was temporary but it could’ve easily been..not” 

“Well i missed you stupid” I say and Raven jumps on my already sore back 

“I missed you too Clarkey” 

“You took good care of the place” Despite the mess that was caused by my own shopping addiction, it looks just as i left it..cleaner even. 

“Yup. Even the bedroom is clean” She winks and i stare at her horrified 

“YOU DID NOT HAVE SEX IN MY BED DID YOU”

“NO! YOU FREAK!” 

“Then why did you wink!”

“I dont know i cant wink?!”

“No not when it comes to my bed!” I walk upstairs and Raven follows. I find my immaculate bedroom and drop down on it

“See..perfect” she snickers and I hate her sometimes 

“Whatever ray..how are you and Anya anyway”

“We’re good..really good” she never gives me too many details. Its her way of not jinxing things i think 

“That’s all youre gonna give me?”

“What else do you want? We’re already living together”

“Talk about u-haul”

“Shut the fuck up. We’re not just a couple of lesbians shacking up for the hell of it”

“No just a bisexual and a lesbian”

“You know what i mean” 

“Yeah..yeah i do. And im happy for you Ray. Even if Anya and i started off on the wrong foot..you seem happy”

“We are happy”

We lay here on my bed for a bit looking up at my ceiling and just thinking about how things have changed over the past year. I cant believe im back. It feels..strange. Like i never left but also like I’ve been gone for much longer than a year. Still my house is the same. Raven is the same. Im..im different. My hair is shorter. And yeah sometimes i miss being able to put my hair up, but the clean up is so much easier and i dont get paint in my hair as much anymore. More of an ombré ash blonde than a strawberry, i let the hair stylists in Paris do what they thought would suit me. I also lost some weight. Europeans take their siestas very seriously but i cant nap as much as they do so i spent that time working out. Yoga. Pilates. It was a nice distraction and kept me busy. 

“So tonight” 

“Hmm?”

“Drinks”

“Im soooo tired Ray”

“Then relax until 9. We’re going out”

“Murphy misses the shit out of you”

“I find that hard to believe”

“No it’s true. The few FaceTimes we’ve had where he would glare at you from behind me werent enough”

“Uggggh i have so much to put away” I groan and roll over onto my side

“You do..but it can wait. Aren’t you taking time off?”

“Just a week. Harper said she can handle one more week without me”

“Well good. You have all that time to put your crap away then”

“Uggghhh” i throw a pillow over my face and i feel Raven jumping up and down on my bed

“We wont be out late” and if i was looking at her id know that was a bold faced lie

“Fine. Now get out i wanna squeeze a nap in before we go”

“YAY. Love you Clarke. It’s good to have you back” She tosses the pillow off me and gives me a fat kiss to my cheek

“Also dont forget to text your mom”

“Already did when i landed. Im seeing her tomorrow”

Raven leaves and now it’s quiet. I sit up in my bed and look around. Fuck. When was the last time i was really alone? I had Niylah the whole time i was in Paris. Before I left, i had….i shake my head. Trying to get the thoughts to drop out of me, i close my eyes and see green. No..fuckk..no no no. I cant be thinking about her. Ive done so well not being consumed by brown and green. Soft and silky, a voice like velvet. She hovers over me in bed, that half-smile demolishing every wall i have. She laughs, i melt. She touches me, i shatter. Each crack in my heart i had when we were..good was filled with all things her. Her languid kisses, gentle caresses, sweet nothings whispered in my ear, i felt whole again. Until i wasnt. Until i couldnt return what she was giving me and what i had to offer wasnt good enough. And i dont blame her because she deserves someone on the same wavelength. I just..it was such an overwhelming and chaotic year. I wasnt ready. And i wish i was. I wish i couldve given her all of me. I also wish she could’ve given me more time but i understand. I understand that it wasnt easy for her to open herself up the way she did and now…she’s with someone else. And maybe that person is her person. The one she’s supposed to be with. God that thought gives me chest pain. Physically and emotionally. It fucking hurts and it really shouldnt. It’s been a good amount of time so why do i still feel..something. I havent seen her, talked to her, no contact whatsoever. I should be over it. I should be over her. She should just be a distant memory. But she’s not. I can still hear her in my head. Smell her on my clothes. Feel her under my skin. And it kills me. I was able to suppress it most days in Paris but now that im back home, everything hit me all at once. Now im consumed all over again and I haven’t even seen her. Maybe i wont even get to. Yeah, polis isnt that big but still. The only reason I’d see her is cause..fuck. Anya and Raven. I think they know better than to allow us all to be in the same room together. Actually no they dont. I have no idea why she would feel a certain way around me. She’s seeing someone. Raven said they’re happy. Im history. So if we do run into each other, she might even act like we dont know each other. Or she may act cordial. She may be friendly. Or she might hate my guts.  I dont fucking know. Ugh

“What the- -” my phone rings and i realize I’ve been laying in bed for hours. Not completely asleep because my mind has run rampant. So no i didnt nap. Instead, im even more exhausted. 

“Hello?”

“You feeling refreshed?” Raven asks

“Yeah sure” i answer in my most monotone voice ever

“Cool..im coming to get you in an hour”

“Im gonna shower” I say and she hangs up. She knows to let herself in when she gets here

I scrub. I scrub and scrub and scrub. Maybe im trying to get rid of this feeling i have. This icky, morbid, depressed, somber feeling from overthinking. It doesnt work of course. Just gave me that red glow that only happens when the water is too hot and the loofah, too rough. Great. Now i look like im sunburnt. Everything is just going fucking wrong. I should be happy im gonna see my friends again goddammit. Not be hyper focused on someone i didnt even consider a friend before. And someone i only knew for such a short amount of time. Yes, she was my first woman. My bisexual awakening. But she was also so much more. She opened a part of me i didnt know i had and i thank her for that. But now what..it’s open and i cant close it and that part only yearns for her. Niylah couldnt have  all of me. The beautiful European women i came across couldnt either. So what do i do now that im comfortable with my sexuality? Fuck. I dont know. I should get back out there. Im ready i tell myself. I have to be open and willing to meet someone. Just forget about another one in the process which is the hardest part. 

Raven finds me doing my make up. She hands me a shot and i really havent had anything strong for months. Whiskey? Disgusting but I’ll take it. It’ll put me in a better mood to be at least a little bit tipsy 

“Is there a reason you’re looking that good to go to a bar you basically live at?” I notice the white tube top under the cropped jacket, leather pants and black pumps. The red lipstick is her signature move and i just wanna know why she actually tried today 

“I cant look good?”

“No..you cant. Not when this is supposed to be just a simple dinner and drink kinda night”

“I can still look nice for that. It’s our first night out!”

“Does that mean i have to look good as well?”

“You always do Clarkey” she flatters me and i know something is definitely up

“Who’s gonna be there?”

“Oh you know. Your fave bartenders. Harper…Echo”

“Echo? My event planner?”

“Yup. Her and Bellamy are together”

“What the fuck”

“Yeah they’re actually cute. Also she became really good friends with Harp” 

It’s not that i was out of touch with everyone when i left..but i was. I only spoke to Raven..and my conversations with Harper were only about work. I didnt think to ask about everyone else and that might be my fault. Sure Raven would update me on her and Anya’s relationship but she was always so careful not to mention..someone else. It was just easier to keep to myself for the time i was in Paris. So now i have to play catch up

“Thats cool” 

“Anything else i missed?”

“Murphy and Emori are engaged”

“WHAT”

“I thought you saw it on his IG??”

“No!” 

“Yeah like last month he asked her? He actually posted a pic SMILING”

“Oh my god. Im gonna give him so much shit tonight” 

God if Murphy believes in true love then there’s hope. Im excited for him. Maybe his attitude has changed. Doubt it though

“So you ready?”

Am i ready? To go to a bar? Weird question to ask. Im sure it’ll be like I never left. I throw on my coat and some short black kitten heels. I had to try because Raven looks the way she does and i have to appear somewhat put together. So dress, trench and heels. It’s cold but not freezing. I became accustomed to the rainy days in Paris. A nice raincoat and umbrella. It wasnt necessarily cold. Just dreary and ..wet. I do like the rain. Do i like it better than the snow? At least in Paris i didnt have to shovel my way out. I didnt have to worry about the black ice. But i will say, i did miss how pretty it was at night watching the swirling snowflakes under the street lamps. I guess I will always have a soft spot for Polis winters. I wont admit it had something to do with a certain someone that kept me warm during those few months. 

“Is Anya gonna be there?” 

“Yeah she is”

I wanna ask. God i wanna fucking ask but i dont wanna know the answer. I also feel like i do know the answer already. Why the hell would..she be there? To see me? For what? We didnt end on a fantastic note. We didnt keep in touch. We are nothing. So her coming to have a drink? Unlikely. Who knows if she evens knows im here. She has to know. Her and anya have had to had talked about it. Actually no they didn’t have to talk about it. Why would she bring up that her..not ex..is back in town. Especially when she’s seeing someone already. Im irrelevant in their life. A speck of dust. The spiderweb in the corner. Im …nothing. 

“We’re here!” Raven hollers as if i cant tell she parked

“You okay?” She asks because she saw me spacing out

“Yeah..just jet lag i think”

“Unjet your lag my friend. There’s a few people that wanna see you” Raven drags me to the door and swings it open

“SURPRISEEEEE” 

I freeze. Balloons. Confetti guns. A huge banner. Flash after flash after flash. I see people standing on the bar. Bellamy and Echo holding up a welcome back sign. Harper runs to me and throws herself on me. Im still trying to process the amount of people in here let alone all the bodies being thrown my way. Then i see my mom. And i absolutely lose it

“Back up back up everyone!” Raven pulls our friends off me and i run to my mom. I FaceTimed her multiple times a week so i didnt think I’d get so damn emotional

“Hi honey”

“Mom it’s so late what’re you doing here??” I ask as she kisses the top of my head

“Raven’s planned this surprise party for you. You didnt think I’d miss it did you?”

“I had no idea. I thought i was just having a few drinks with some people” I look around and Murphy actually does have a smile on his face. His fiance sitting pretty in front of him while they pour champagne into flutes. I glance around the room and everyone is actually excited to see…me. Normally, i wouldnt like this kind of attention. Hate it actually. But god it feels so good to see familiar faces again. Monty and Jasper are messing with the TVs while Bellamy gives Echo a kiss on her cheek. Maya and Zoe are taking pictures. I see Anya, Octavia and Lincoln approach and that’s when my mom lets me go

“Have fun tonight sweetie. I only came to see you for a little bit. Im gonna finish my burger then head home”

“We’re still on for lunch tomorrow right?”

“Of course. Come over around noon?”

“Okay. I love you mom. Thanks for coming”

“I love you too” She sits at a table and i realize that table wasnt empty. Marcus is over there waving hello to me. He’s visited many times, mainly to make sure everything was running smoothly with the gallery in Paris. I dont know why he’s keeping my mom company but i dont have time to overanalyze because Octavia jumps on me 

“YOU’RE BAACCCKKK”

“Im back” I laugh and Lincoln yanks his girlfriend off me to give me a side hug. Anya stands there, arms crossed, body language as rigid as ever. Not out of the ordinary and definitely her signature stance, any person that doesnt know Anya would think she’s an unwelcoming bitch..which is still accurate but I’ve gotten used to it 

“You cut your hair off” blunt and monotone. Very Anya

“I did”

“Why”

“Why not?”

“I dont know” she shrugs 

“Dont i look cute though?” I try to get a reaction out of her and she rolls her eyes

“Not my type Griffin” i notice how she glances behind me to catch a peak of Raven winking at her while he speaks to Monty 

“No hug?” I annoyingly ask

“Do i look like the hugging type?”

“God An stop being such a bitch” Octavia groans and i laugh because this is sooo our friendship. Anya has been forced to tolerate me the entire time she and Raven have been together and im not gonna lie. I eat up every minute of it because even if she seems annoyed of my presence, i can tell i grew on her. She made it a point to say hi to me every time we were on the phone. And by ‘hi’ i mean she would make some random rude comment then give the phone back to Raven. Whether it’s a ‘it’s a lot quieter without you here and i like it’ or ‘your gallery needs more material. It’s boring in there’, thats when i realized she goes to visit it sometimes. She is also the reason i sent over a few paintings to spice the place up. Bring in more customers. I guess anya is almost to thank for my booming business

“Come here” i extend my arms and she groans but she does walk into me …agonizingly slow. She also doesnt return the hug. Just smashes her body against me and i squeeze. Squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until she frees herself from my hold

“Dammit Griffin. You trying to kill me?!” As if she’s never had contact with any human ever, she rubs her arms up and down to rid herself of the affection i gave her

“Got it” Raven was able to snap a pic before she got herself out and Anya looks just about to murder her

“Delete that”

“No can do baby” She tip toes to give her a kiss and hands me a shot

“Welcome back princess. We all missed you”

“Speak for yourself” Anya mumbles and i cant help but playfully roll my eyes. I have become quite fond of the strange friendship we’ve created. 

After taking the shot, i watch as Anya and Raven kiss at the same time Octavia makes herself comfortable under Lincoln’s arm. Am i jealous of their very healthy and happy relationship? I mean no. Im still single and it was more so my choice to stay that way. I will say though seeing them..anya, Octavia and Lincoln did bring some unresolved emotions to life. Like a missing piece, i search for the fourth person I know isnt there. I grab the champagne flute and sit down leaving the love birds to themselves

“You’re back” Murphy. My favorite bartender

“You miss me?”

“No” i see the smile. I can fucking see it

“Where’s that fiancé of yours??”

“Right here!” Emori comes up from behind me and gives me a hug. We’ve only met a few times but anyone that can put up with Murphy is an angel in my book

“Congrats you two. Im happy for you” i take a look at the ring, Emori tells me the story of how he proposed and I’ve never seen Murphy so red before. I can practically see the blush rising up to his neck and towards his cheeks. He looks at her like shes the only one in the room and i remember the way someone used to look at me like that. I do my best to stay in the moment. Be excited for all the happy couples in this room but fuck now it feels like im the only one who hasnt changed and i was the one that fucking left.

“Hair looks average” Murphy shrugs and i laugh

“Why thanks Murphy”

“He’s stupid. You look really good Clarke” Emori says and we take a few shots before Bellamy and Echo sit down next to me. Echo asks when my next event will be and god i have no idea. I havent even seen the gallery yet let alone thought about what im gonna showcase for a homecoming benefit. I make sure to keep this conversation between us because if Harper were to hear me talk about work, she’d freak. 

It’s nice to have everyone in here. To have these people celebrating the fact that im back. But in a room with all the people that matter to me, it still almost feels..inconsequential. Which makes me feel like shit because i appear ungrateful. They all gathered here for me. To see me. To tell me they’ve missed me yet theres still that one person i wish i could hear those words from that i’ll never get. Am i an asshole? Unreasonable? It’s not fair for me to feel all these things. I shouldnt be that way. But i do and it’s stupid

In the middle of me reevaluating my life, i see the front door open and find a woman with wild auburn hair prancing in. A huge contrast against her pale skin, she actually looks like a…fairy? Or some sort of mythical goddess that appears when you’re desperate to make a change in your life and you’re willing to sacrifice something in order to get it. Like an irresistible siren or a witch that has sucked the life out of the youth she’s come across, i actually feel shivers down my spine when she flips her hair back and glances around like she knows every single person here. What i dont expect is to see her glide right towards Octavia and Lincoln sitting at the table across the room. They greet her and I sense a sort of familiarity there. But that feeling i have is quickly replaced by something more ominous. Alarm bells start to ring and my sixth sense starts to tingle. I spin around but dont see what my body is yearning for

“What the hell” I whisper and no one hears me. I keep looking at the door then at the woman with red hair. I do it once, twice, three times until the bell chimes and starting from the ground up, i finally see..her. The black boots, the leather jacket, the brunette locks. Im hit by a large wave of nostalgia

There’s still drunken laughter emanating through the air. No one paying attention to the person that walked in besides me. I automatically tense my shoulders, my eyes unblinking and fist bawling into a knuckle-white grip onto my flute. I vaguely hear stories being told next to me. Another laugh from i think that’s Bellamy. Echo and Harper playfully argue. Raven and Anya …where are they? Oh…they’re behind the bar pouring shots. But they dont notice. No one notices but me. It’s not until green finally meets blue that i drop my flute on the ground

“Shit..Clarke.. no more for you” the chatter stops. The laughter halts. Party foul is what they call it but im not drunk. Im tipsy. But not drunk. They see my focus is on anything but them.. then Anya comes around and stands in front of me

“Hey” 

“Wanna come with me for a second?”

“No”

“I was only being polite asking. You’re coming with me” She pulls me off the barstool while Raven grabs a broom  and dustpan. Im being dragged somewhere but i cant feel my feet moving when I painfully watch as she struts her way towards the red-haired queen. As if we never made eye contact, she completely disregards my presence

“Okay” The door shuts. I guess we’re in the bathroom?

“Look i didnt think she’d be here. I didnt tell her to come”

“And i dont know where you’re at in your life and i know Raven told you shes seeing someone..that girl with the red hair”

Im trying to listen. I mean i can hear Anya rambling. This might be the most I’ve ever heard this woman speak. And i don’t know what im supposed to do with this information. Why does any of this matter? It shouldnt. We were never really together. God we were never official. It’s..history. Its not important

“But Lexa is- - “

“Anya…stop” 

I cant..i cant hear her name. See her face. Know her life. I dont want it. I want to be normal. I want everything to be normal

“It’s fine. I’ve moved on. And clearly she has too”

A lie wont hurt. Maybe if i say it enough, I’ll start to believe it. I moved on. I want to date other people. I was interested in all the women that threw themselves at me in Europe. Let me just keep lying to myself until my brain turns all of this from fiction to fact. 

She doesnt say anything. I gauge her reaction. She looks like shes gonna continue to speak but holds back. Maybe that’s for my benefit. Because what if i found out she didnt move on? This woman she’s with is just a distraction or a friend with benefits type of situation. That she never fell out of love with me? What if Anya said any of that. What would i do then? Would i run into her arms? Tell her i made a mistake when i left? Ask for another chance? No i wouldnt. That’s unrealistic and definitely wouldnt happen 

“Yeah..she has”

And maybe Anya’s confirmation doesn’t really help me in the slightest because it’s the answer i was expecting.. just not the one i was hoping for. 

“I just wanna know one thing” I say and for the first time i actually see sympathy on Anya’s face. The cheekbones not as sharp, her usually ground down jaw, a bit slackened. And those lips a sad frown instead of a..well angry frown. 

“Is she happy?”

“Yeah..she is”

Well..at least one of us is

“Good. Then i wont ruin it”  

Chapter Text

Im a masochist 

I have to be in order to make the decision that i made. Im an idiot. I have no excuses. No logic. No reason for me to put myself in this position..and Luna..god. I threw her in this too. But i have to know. I have to fucking know if what im feeling for her is true and what i felt for another person is gone. Thats what i tell myself anyway. I’ll never willingly admit i wanna fucking see her. 

“So what made you change your mind?” Luna asks as she does her make-up in my bathroom

“What?”

“You didnt wanna go to the Dropship tonight. Now you do”

“Oh…just everyone’s there so i thought we could drop by and say hi”

“Anya said it was a welcome back party for someone. Do you know her?”

I gulp. Try to hide the expression on my face. Not once have i mentioned her to Luna. Why would i? We’re a fairly new couple. And a certain someone and I were never in a true relationship. Luna knows she’s pretty much my first girlfriend. I mean is that what she is to me? I never flat out asked her. We never really discussed being exclusive but im not seeing anyone else and i dont think she is either. Fuck maybe this is a discussion we should have 

“She’s an acquaintance. Didnt know her very well” I lie. Holy shit i fucking lie but how on earth was i supposed to explain to the girl im seeing that she was my first heartbreak, my first love, the first time I experienced that kind of emotional pain from someone leaving me. No i cant tell her. 

“I just wanna see our friends that it” I shrug and thank god im talking from my bed while she’s in the bathroom because lately i’ve been a terrible liar. I cant keep my emotions at bay hence all the temper tantrums I’ve been throwing. I used to be so aloof and stoic. No one could figure me out. Now look. I cant stop playing with my fingers. I can feel the sweat accumulate on my forehead. And i feel fucking guilty. I used to not care. Those were the damn days. I felt nothing. But..she..opened these flood gates and i havent been able to close them. She’s to blame. Her and her fucking blue eyes, blonde hair, soft skin, infectious laugh, sweet voice. Goddammit

“Babe?” I look up and Luna’s in front of me

“You feeling okay?” She lays a hand on my forehead

“You’re heating up. Maybe we should stay in “ I move her hand away 

“Im fine. I just turned the heat up cause you’re here” 

“Awww..how sweet of you” She plants a kiss to my cheek  and i smile. She doesnt realize the smile is forced, but it’s okay. This is just a bump in our relationship. A minor setback. This wont be another Costia situation 

“Get ready babe. It’s getting late we should head out soon”

I jump off my bed and head into the bathroom to fix myself. Im not doing anything crazy. Light make-up. My everyday make-up. Some foundation. Maybe contour a little. Actually..a little eyeshadow doesnt hurt. And this mauve lipstick i have always looked good on me. I think i should probably straighten my hair a bit too. Just cause I’ve been laying on it. Get rid of all those flyaways and unkempt waves. 

“Damn baby. You look sooooo good” Luna appears behind me and starts kissing my neck 

“We’re never gonna leave if you keep doing that” which in reality wouldnt be a bad idea. We could stay in. Ravish each other till the sun comes up. 

“Maybe that’s my plan” She pulls my hips back so im snug against her. She feels good against me. I really do enjoy Luna’s company. Such a free spirit. And im comfortable with her. I actually feel something for her and that should mean something because i havent felt anything for anyone since..she left and i just..i wanna be okay with that. I wanna be able to progress what we have without anything holding me back 

“Okay okay okay” i find the strength to stop her from touching me. Luna lets go and i dont even realize i was pushing her away a bit. I kiss the tip of her nose and she wraps her arms around me

“You’re so beautiful”

“So are you” And my god Luna really is gorgeous. Those caramel brown eyes, her creamy smooth skin and voluminous auburn hair. I could see her walking a runway if she really wanted to do it. 

“Question” I move her hair behind her ear

“Usually people just ask, babe” She says and i smile

“We’re like..not seeing other people right?” I can tell she didnt expect for that to come out of me. Her gaze shifts between my eyes and she doesnt answer right away

“Well im definitely not seeing anyone else. Are you?”

“No..no im not”

“Okay” 

“So are we like- - “

“Lex. Where’s this coming from?”

“I just..I dont know. I got to thinking” i shrug

“Labels are for the weak. We enjoy each other’s company. You’re the only girl im seeing. And it’s nice to know im the only one youre seeing. Let’s leave it at that” 

Interesting. First time a woman wasnt begging me to call her her girlfriend. I mean it’s only been four months so maybe this is normal? I have no idea but she smiles at me and it feels right. She touches me and I want more. So yeah I think we’re on the right track. 

“Okay” I give her one last kiss before we head out. I think a little more about what luna thinks of our relationship and i mean it doesn’t bother me that she doesnt wanna put a label on us. If anything that’s great for me…the old me. Am i looking to really settle down? Fuck. I dont know. Yes? This is a conversation I need to have with Allie i think. No shes not supposed to tell me what i want, but she guides me in the right direction. And I really should bring her cookies or something too for yelling at her. 

“Fuck there’s a lot of people here tonight. Your friend sure knows a lot of people” Friend. I told her we’re just acquaintances. We’re not friends. Never was. I wanna convince myself we didn’t mean anything to each other but that’s bullshit. She meant a lot to me. And she..she just fucking left

“Hey you go find our friends. I’ll park the car” I tell Luna. I need a moment alone

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll meet you inside” i drop her off in the front and watch her walk inside. I finally take a deep breath and press my forehead against the steering wheel. What the fuck am i doing here? Anya told me this is where they’d be tonight and she told me the reason as well. I think she did that so that i wouldn’t show up. But here i am. Finding a damn parking space and for what? To walk in and welcome back the person that pushed me out of her life? The one that left when things got hard? Yes..im aware i told her i couldnt continue whatever it was we were doing because we were on different pages of the same book. How on earth could i look at her everyday knowing i was in so deep and she was just treading in shallow water? I had already given myself to her. All of me. Every piece…yet she was still trying to figure herself out. And i know i shouldnt be mad about that. I cant be mad that she’s discovered this side of herself somewhat late in her adult life. I’ve known i was gay my entire life. She had been with the same man forever, got divorced and now realizing ‘hey maybe a woman is more my style.’ Obviously it was more complicated than that. I tried so hard not to care about the fact that for the first time in my life i felt something for someone and she wasnt there yet. I mean fuck..the roles have finally reversed and it didnt feel too great. Even if she claimed to have strong feelings for me, it didn’t amount to what i felt for her and i dont know..it wasnt good enough for me. Was that selfish of me? To end what we had because i wanted more? Ive battled with that for months. Questioning my decision to end it because i missed her so goddamn much. Allie didnt necessarily tell me i made the right choice, just gave her support and reassured me that how i felt was valid. A part of me wanted her to tell me i was being an idiot. That i should’ve been more patient because I’ve waited my whole life to feel this way for someone but that’s just me wanting to put the blame on anyone but myself. 

I dont know how long I’ve been sitting in this parking spot. Not long i think. But i cant bring myself to move. To get the fuck out and face the consequences of my actions. I can only imagine Luna meeting her. Them talking. Becoming best friends. Then the topic of us comes up. Im gonna be sick. Fuck i need to move

Step after step. One foot in front of the other. I see my breath in the air. Start to hear the sound of people laughing and talking. I pull the door open and now i get tunnel vision. My heart beat is in my ears. My stomach in knots. This was a huge fucking mistake but i cant back out now. Im here. Luna is here. My friends are here. She’s here.  

I have always had such a good poker face. Women were attracted to my mysterious facade. I wipe my boots on the large rug in front and will myself to walk forward. At first i dont look around. I mean i see my friends right across the room sitting at the table they always sit in. Octavia and Lincoln, Luna standing in front of them. But my curiosity gets the best of me. It’s only for a split second when i turn my head towards the bar. As if theres only one person sitting there and one person only. I catch her already looking at me. And my god

She

Looks

Breathtaking

Just like the very first fucking time i saw her, she sucks the absolute life out of me. My chest actually hurts looking at her. But im not the same bumbling idiot i was over a year ago. Not the same one that was tripping over her own feet and unable to form any cohesive sentences. I use every ounce of power in me to look away. It was only a split second but her deep blue gaze has seared itself into the dark depths of my brain. The lock on our box of memories shakes. I take a deep breath to stop the rattling. It’s only until Luna wraps herself around my body that im able to calm myself

“Took you forever babe. God it’s so packed in here” 

“Yeah. Wasnt easy finding a spot” I place a kiss on her forehead. I sneak a glance at Octavia and Lincoln who both share concerned looks for me but i ignore them. Then in the corner of my eye i catch Anya dragging someone to the bathroom. Of course i know who that is. There’s only one person in here with chin length blonde hair and blue eyes that can submerge you. 

“I didnt think you’d come, Lex” Octavia murmurs before she takes a sip of her drink

“Changed her mind last minute” Luna beams. She has no idea whats going on

I have no idea what’s going on either. It feels like I’ve had three drinks and i havent had any. That is until Raven comes up from behind us with two beers in her hands

“Very surprised to see you two here” There’s a bite in her tone that Luna takes offense to but i quickly interject

“Cant stop by my favorite bar?”

“Today of all days?” She stares me down..or well up cause im taller but i dont feel that way right now. She’s come to know me quite well since she started dating Anya. She also is never afraid to call me out on my bullshit. Whether we’re alone or around people, if she has something to say, she says it which terrifies me at this moment cause Luna is right there and i dont want her to be collateral damage in whatever the fuck is happening with me 

“Let’s go grab some shots” I clear my throat

“I’ll be back, Luna” I grab Raven’s arm and pull her over to the bar then sigh

“What the hell, Lexa” she leans over the bar to grab a bottle of whiskey. She pours us two shots

“I know”

“Why”

“Cause im dumb”

“Well at least you can acknowledge that” 

I keep peaking behind her towards the bathroom. What is taking them so long? And what can Anya possibly be saying to her? They werent friends before. God it took an army for her to finally acknowledge that my feelings were actually true and now here she is..a year later doing what? Consoling her? Telling Clarke im a piece of shit all over again? Or maybe she’s hooking up with her. Oh my god she and Anya have something on the side- - 

“Lexa! Get your head out of your ass!”

Can Raven hear my thoughts?

“What?”

“I need you to leave”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? Cause you’ve upset Clarke”

Every time i hear her name, it’s like a bullet through my heart

“We havent even talked”

“No. But she saw you”

“And? It’s not like she still has feelings for me or anything” maybe im fishing for more information. I know she lived with Niylah in Paris..the most romantic goddamn place on earth. And the pictures they posted together..close on their couch..in the gallery. Posing together. Dinner under the moonlight. No i dont actually know if they were in a relationship. Sure fucking looked like it. I mean I’ve had one conversation with the woman and she understood how i felt but she was still fair game. Not that my feelings for her were ever a game. But a year together? Sleeping in the same house? Spending every minute together? God the rage inside me is building i can feel it and it doesnt make sense

“Stop being an asshole” Raven rolls her eyes without acknowledging my comment

“Raven. I literally just walked in. Luna is right there” I gesture over to the table

“What do you think is gonna happen?”

“You’re being naive” Raven has never been one to sugarcoat things. She knows me too well for someone who’s only been in my life for like a year and a half

“About what?! We havent talked the entire time she’s been in Paris and she was dating someone im sure”

“Who? Niylah?” 

“Yeah…her” 

Raven gives me a skeptical glance. She bites down, her jaw looking a lot like Anya’s. 

“So you’ve kept up with her life”

“No i..i just..we still follow each other on instagram”

“You know this entire time..you never let us speak about her and now here you are at her welcome back party. You literally freaked out about us not telling you she’s coming back the other day. What is your game plan here Lexa?”

I have no goddamn plan. None whatsoever. And Raven is too smart to fall for any of my bullshit

“I..”

“I just had to see her Ray” I honestly admit and Raven sighs but not in an annoyed kind of way. In a ‘damn i feel bad for you’ kinda way which to me would be so much worse but she gives me another shot that i miserably take because feeling drunk off alcohol is better than being intoxicated off …her presence and if im gonna be belligerent, might as well blame it on the whiskey. 

“This is stupid Lexa”

“I know”

“You’re an idiot”

“I know”

“But i love you and im sorry” Raven punches me in the arm because hugging is just something we dont do..and definitely something i dont do. I dont even know why she’s apologizing. Im the one that should be. Im the one thats supposedly ruining her night

“Im sorry too. I know i shouldnt have came”

“Im just gonna finish this beer and me and Luna will leave”

I can feel her. Id be able to feel her presence if we were standing on opposite ends of the Great Wall of China. That’s the kind of power this woman emits. When Raven sees me shift my attention towards the bathroom, she turns around and we spot both of them walking towards us. Anya sees me and her eyes widen, but she doesnt stop moving. Instead pulling her towards Octavia’s table. I start to panic because that’s where luna is

“Fuck” i whisper

“Shit” Raven mumbles

“Well…she’s about to meet your girlfriend before she says even one word to you”

“What do i do? Go over there???”

“Dont ask me dude. You did this to yourself” Raven shrugs and fuck my life. She’s right. We discreetly watch as they reach the table. Octavia and her over-welcoming self hops off her seat and hugs her like they’re long lost sisters but O is just drunk and im hoping she does that thing where she starts running all over the place like a toddler because then she’d be dragging Clarke along. But no. I helplessly watch as they introduce her to Luna

“Goddammit” I cant just stand here. I need to know what they’re saying

“Come with me”

“Uh..I’d rather not. Im already uncomfy from all the way over here”

“Raven please!”

“Ugggh fuck fine!” 

The walk is daunting. Like im willingly about to jump into my own damn grave. The back of their heads are so different red vs blonde and it feels like i can actually see their facial expressions even though i cant. At first Luna can be very…weary. Not that welcoming and it’s just her being careful. Im not saying she’s rude or anything like that. She puts on a smile, she’s polite, and she asks all the right questions to figure out the kind of person you are. So imagine my surprise when i see them getting along after 5 seconds of meeting

“You’re Clarke Griffin the ARTIST??” I hear and Luna is very rarely loud

“Umm yes i suppose”

And that is the first time I’ve heard her voice in forever. Just when i hoped it wouldnt have any effect on me, it actually feels like a scythe slashing through my goddamn chest. Not only that, but each syllable felt like a stabbing right into my heart. She hasnt even looked at me yet and i feel like I’ve died and revived at least 5 times since being in her presence.  Im not breathing. Not moving. How many lives does one have when each death is the direct result of someone’s indirect actions towards you? Am i making any fucking sense? No probably not because being around her has always fucked with my brain. Turned it into mush. Made me forget all the schooling I’ve ever had. Every word to ever exist. She has always made me look like a blubbering idiot and there’s nothing i could do about it. Only way to save face is by being silent. 

“Your work is life changing. My goodness, I’ve been to your gallery many times. And i saw the articles of what you’ve done in Paris. No one told me this party was for you!” Luna finally turns around and finds me 

“Babe! You didnt say youre friends with Clarke Griffin”

She’s more than just an icon to me, but whatever. Hearing the girl im seeing say her name made me sick to my stomach cause i see how Clarke’s expression falters from the pet name. We look at each other..staring until one of us cracks but she has no idea that my heart is already in pieces. She looks so…so good. Refreshed. Still so effortlessly flawless. As if no time has passed yet she’s lived another lifetime, i recognize the eyes first and foremost. A familiar blue, but a memory that I’ve attempted to suppress. Sadness coats the rim of her eyes but she smiles. She smiles and i know it’s not real but she’s masking it for the sake of this public appearance. I know it well. She did it during her last event before she left. On stage with everyone admiring her. She was pretending to be cool and confident but she was terrified of being judged. She held herself well but i saw through the facade. What i didnt foresee was the train wreck that happened soon after that night

“Uhh…” i swallow, she continues to undress me with those baby blues but not in the sexy way i wish she would. She’s dissecting my behavior. My lack of confidence, words, and emotion is something she’d usually call me out on but we’re not there. We dont have that kind of friendship. We’re practically strangers. So she doesnt ask what’s wrong. She doesnt reach out to touch me. If anything, i think she’s taken a step back. We’re further than ever apart, she might as well be back in Europe

“Nice to see you, Lexa” She finally speaks to me. But nothing about that sentence is genuine. It’s not nice to see me.  I know by how she tenses her shoulders and hides her hands behind her back that she’d rather me not be here. But i selfishly ruined her homecoming for this moment and i should’ve just stayed home. But now here we are, our friends basking in the awkwardness of our reintroduction and Luna has no idea about the heartbreak i endured because of the woman in front of us

“Yeah..you too” Fake fake fake. I give her some semblance of a smile. Probably doesnt look too great. And definitely doesnt feel great either. 

“Im gonna go talk to Harper. It was nice to meet you Luna” She walks past us and the gust of air that blows past me makes my knees buckle. Hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls, her scent makes me feel a type of way. She doesn’t really smell like either of those but that’s what i thought of when her distinct perfume hit me like a freight train. Homey..welcoming..like the best part of winter, she aggravates that longing part of me that craves to be next to her. My gaze cant help but follow until she’s sat in front of Murphy at the bar. He pours her a drink, I notice how happy he is to see her. And it’s only by the fact that i think this is the first time I’ve seen him laugh. Then the fiance appears and gives him a kiss on his cheek. God that’s why he’s so chipper. Clarke fakes a gag as she stares lovingly at the two while Harper shows her something on her phone. I also catch a glimpse of Bellamy and Echo sharing a plate of fries. Hes been committed to this woman since he met her. God is this entire room filled with people in love? I mean technically im counted as one of these happy couples. Luna’s snuggled up underneath my arm while i pay attention to everyone but her and it’s not fair. I cant be going through this..not again

“You okay?” Luna looks up at me

“Yeah why?”

“You’re out of it. Want me to get you a water?”

“No babe im okay” I give her a kiss to her head and Anya takes a drink shaking her head at the same time. I wanna ask what they talked about in the bathroom, but i dont think it’s my place. Raven’s gone back behind the bar, pouring drinks, taking shots. I feel soo..out of place. All these people are here for Clarke and i guess technically i am too but the intention was far more…selfish than the others. Just wanting to be near her, hear her, smell her, even ..touch her. A hug..kiss on the cheek? Anything to be close to her and i got nothing but pain by being here. I have no one to blame but myself for this suffering

“I still cant believe you’re friends with her. She’s like a celebrity” Luna says to everyone at the table

“Dont give her that much credit” leave it to anya to keep her humble, but i see the tiny smirk that tells me she sort of agrees. How ironic is it that now Anya and Clarke are friends. And i know if i were to say that out loud Anya would probably disagree..say something along the lines of her just tolerating Clarke but it’s not true. I know she’s accepted her into our circle and i wont lie. Im jealous. That’s all i wanted from the very beginning but we werent together long enough for that to happen 

“Oh come on! Lexa you’ve seen her work right? It’s amazing”

I cant breathe. I cant move. Yes I’ve fucking seen it. I’ve been a part of it. Three pieces in my fucking garage. All my friends shift so uncomfortably in their chairs, they dont even know what to say. Coming here was a huge mistake

“Im gonna get another drink. I’ll be right back” I leave my group and head to the opposite end of the bar. Another stupid mistake cause im sat right across clarke who hasnt looked up yet. Still talking with Harper about work im guessing, i dont know. She has the slight scrunch to her eyebrow as she nods along to whatever it is she’s saying. She takes sip after sip of her cocktail not realizing im directly in her line of sight. I should move. Sit in front of the stocked bottles so her view of me is skewed but then I wouldn’t be able to see her. And it’s been so long. So long since we’ve been in the same room together that i almost wanna cherish this moment where she doesnt notice me. I can admire from afar, yearn without interruption, love without guilt 

Wait

I dont love her anymore. No i dont. What the fuck. Im happy with Luna. Like actually happy. Not the fake happy i was with Costia. Im not in love with - - 

“Lex? Drink?” Bellamy appears and blocks my view

“Scotch neat”

“You good?”

“Yup” 

He moves out of the way and when he does, she looks up. She already finds me staring and i choke on my drink. Smooth. I grab a napkin and continue to cough. She narrows her eyes at me then mouths a ‘you okay?’. I give her a thumbs up but i can tell from here she thinks im dying. I watch as she whispers something in Murphy’s ear who then turns around and grabs a glass. He walks over towards me and slides down a cup of water

“You’re embarrassing yourself”

“Yeah thanks” I down the water and feel slightly better. My face still red as a tomato

“Soo. You and Clarke” 

“There is no me and..Clarke. Im with Luna”

“You really gonna do this again Woods?” Murphy raises an unamused eyebrow at me

“What’re you- - “

“Nevermind” He waves me off when someone sits next to me I dont need to look. Dont need to guess either. Her aura consumes me..envelopes me. I think im gonna pass out and im not even standing. I hold my breath hoping it’ll prevent triggering my olfactory nerves to open Pandora’s box of our history together. Which again..is not fucking long. A few months of what do you even call it? A fling? More like a winter solstice by how short it was. But with the sun being that far away from its axis, Clarke was still able to warm me in more ways than one. 

“Mind if i sit here?” She asks and god. Her voice..it still does something to me

“No”

“You sure?”

“Im not sure of anything, Clarke” first time I’ve said her name out loud and i wish i didnt notice her breath hitching. I wish she would just tell me to get over myself and that im nothing to her now. I wish her new haircut made her look like shit but no. She’s radiant. Glowing. Shining in a way that makes this dim ass bar brighter than the mornings after drinking all night. She’s the sunrise. Im the moonlight. Day and night, we’re polar opposites yet here she is. Our souls meeting once again and i hate to say that i feel her in a way that i’ve never felt anyone else. Merging, connecting, mixing. She is forever a part of me 

“Can we talk?”

Chapter Text

CLARKE

There’s three things i know that are for certain

1. Green is my favorite color

2. Time is irrelevant 

3. Lexa has a part of my heart i’ll never get back

And those three facts will never change because here i am staring into the palette inside lexa’s irises and thinking about how i can create an entire world of complex emotions using this one shade alone. After all this time, she still makes my heart hammer. My palms sweat. My knees weak. With zero contact while i was away, it really didnt matter when i felt her tingling inside of me during the most innocent parts of my day. While i was laying down. When i was watching TV. Listening to music. Walking through the rain. And of course, while i was painting which was the most vital aspect of my time spent in Paris. So she was everywhere even when she wasnt. And while i was there sulking and working, she was moving on with one of the most stunning and exotic women I’ve ever seen. Did i think coming back, we’d continue where we left off? Absolutely not. I hurt her. We were on two ends of the spectrum and i couldnt lie and tell her i was in as deep as she was even though my feelings were strong. Like really fucking strong. Imagine my surprise when each day spent on the other side of the world, i realized my feelings for her werent disappearing. Not even a little bit.

I used to know what love is. At least i thought i did. And i knew that i couldve gotten there with lexa if i had more time. But she thought otherwise and i dont blame her.. first time she’s in love and it was with me.. a damaged and divorced, ‘straight’ woman who wasnt comfortable in her own skin. Maybe there was that little voice in my head saying I wasn’t good enough. That she needed someone more..confident. More in tune with themselves. But that’s a cop out. Sure, i did feel somewhat that way but simply put, she was in love and i wasnt..not yet. 

Oh how the fucking tables have turned

She sits there, tense yet in all her regal elegance, that jaw still as sharp as a knife, her cheekbones higher than the plane i was on and profile as statuesque as those marble sculptures I’ve come across many times. She could pose with Aphrodite  and rival her beauty. Stand next to Persephone and steal the title Goddess of spring when everything she touches comes to life. There’s no such thing as Greek mythology when Lexa exists in this world. No myths, just facts that Lexa Woods symbolizes everlasting youth and unmatched desire. 

 “Im not sure of anything, Clarke”

Too slow to dodge Cupid’s arrow, as soon as she says my name my heart is pierced. All i see is green..my favorite color. Vegetation. Blossoming of flowers. The stems sprouting from the ground. A rainforest filled with life. The dew on grass. The sparkle of emerald gems. The body of a dragonfly. The leaves on trees. I see so much but am given so little when she cant even fucking look at me for longer than two seconds. 

“Can we talk?” What a fucking bold question of me to ask. I dont have a lot to say. I dont really have anything to say. But i ask anyway cause if she wants to reject me, she can. Raven and Anya have told me she and Luna are happy so why ruin it by having a conversation with me. Not that i have that much power to ruin yet another one of her relationships. She’s different. Matured more. The fact that she’s found someone else who complements her is..great. Yeah. Fucking great. And here i am..still single. Still in my feels about a woman who was doing well without me. Im so pathetic

“Sure” Not the most convincing, but at least she’s polite about it 

So i asked if we could talk but now i cant think of how to start. Should i tell her how good she looks? Like no time has passed at all and she’s stayed looking as young and beautiful as ever? Aging like fine wine, she’s only gotten more delectable. Granted, only a year has gone by but still. It brings me back to point number two. Time is irrelevant.

She flips her hair to one side of her shoulder and that’s when I notice the tattoo on her neck

“You got a new tattoo” 

There’s an infinity sign now right at her cervical spine. She looks at me then rubs exactly where that spot is

“Uh yeah..almost forgot it was there. Octavia did it for me” 

“Infinity sign?”

“Yeah. Got it a couple months ago”

Oh god. Did she get it when she met luna? Oh fuck does that symbolize it being a forever thing. They’re more serious than Raven let on. Taking it slow my ass, she got a tattoo for her. Im gonna - -

“We all got them. Me, Anya and Lincoln. Octavia’s idea” 

I can breathe. Oh my god what the hell is wrong with me. The three of them got matching tattoos. That’s actually adorable. Dammit

“That’s really cute” she shifts awkwardly, a tiny smile hovering of her lips 

“She said she would start crying if we didnt do it” she rolls her eyes but it’s not serious. It’s endearing actually..the way she quickly glances over to that table with all her friends. Raven’s taken a break as she leans against Anya. Luna’s not even paying attention to us..she enjoys their company laughing and talking like she’s meant to be there. Im jealous. Im so jealous 

“Sounds like Octavia” i swish around the last of my drink in my glass

Now it’s quiet again. Not necessarily uncomfortable because everyone is drunk around us. I see her playing with the ice in her glass with the straw between her fingers. Im no better, my finger swirling around the rim of my flute

“How was Paris”

The dreaded question i knew was coming. What is she expecting? For me to tell her it was the time of my life. This is what dreams are made of. That i didnt think about her the entire time i was there. That i didnt lay awake at night dreaming of green. That no matter what i did, i still felt the burn of her fingertips on my skin and could taste the cherry of her lips when i closed my eyes. And just when i thought i was healing, that the wound had closed, i’d see a picture of her or hear her laugh through a video on social media and im split open all over again. I used my  blood to paint…metaphorically of course. There’s an entire wall of red in the Paris gallery. Not the ‘love’ kind of red either. Pain. Anguish. Dripping, coagulating. Niylah and i worked hard to collaborate on that. She didnt ask why. She didnt question my thought process. She only added, encouraged me to feel the pain and express it through my work. It made some uncomfortable, some cry. Others related, others couldnt look at them for more than 5 seconds. No matter what, people felt something and that was the point. I’d say those paintings were the most popular displays. 

“Clarke?”

Shit. I was spacing 

“Yeah..uh..Paris was..great” i give her a sad smile, one she clearly notices

“That’s all youre gonna give me?”

“I mean..it’s Paris. It was..magical”

Magical? Really? Sure, crying for a month and a half and stressing until our grand opening was totally magical 

“I saw the articles. The gallery looked cool” The magazine spread showed the bare minimum. I hate when they show all my work because then whats the point of visiting if you’ve already seen it in pictures. It doesnt do it justice. So the spread, the interviews only showed the larger than life pieces and that’s only to bring people to visit. 

“Thanks. It was a lot of work”

“Was it all…work?” The pause, the hesitation in her voice makes me wonder if there was another question on the tip of her tongue. I mean, yes, for the most part it was but also it wasnt. I went out with Niylah. To gay bars and clubs. Tried to figure out if this is what i really..like. Then being my shy and awkward self, i couldnt just bring a girl home. So instead Niylah was that person for me. Lexa will always be my first, but Niylah let me do what i wanted. Experimented on my terms. It was eye opening. She instructed me. Taught me. Became my queer mentor of sorts. Eventually i became more comfortable at the gay bars. I got girls’ numbers but never called. Made out with a few but left them hanging. I guess im not the type to have a one night stand. Trust me i tried to be that person. European women were gorgeous, but sex is just so much better when emotions come into play. For a while there i thought i could be with Niylah, but i know for a fact that i could never give her what she ultimately wanted which is commitment. My heart was still in shambles. I was all over the place. And now here i am..a year later and the woman next to me is still making me feel things I’ve never felt for another person. If that doesnt prove point three then i dont know what does 

“Mostly” 

I dont know how she feels about that answer. I dont know how i feel about that either because it keeps it open to interpretation. She takes another sip of her drink, her eyes straight ahead as we bask in another round of awkward silence. There’s so much tension. Both of us only making millimeter movement because we’re scared that anything more than that would break the barrier we’ve created then what? We fight? Kiss? No. No no no. We cant do either. We’re not friends enough to fight and not lovers enough to kiss. So what does that make us? Somewhere in between or so irrelevant that we should be nonexistent to each other. Technically it shoulder be the latter cause we havent spoke but here we are. Choosing to sit next to each other and not move because being close and not touching or speaking is better than nothing. For me anyway. I dont know what she’s thinking. She could be planning an escape. A not so rude way to head back to her girlfriend who doesnt seem weirded out that we’re spending time together but thats what being secure in yourself must feel like. Goddammit

“Tell me what you’ve been up to” i break the silence and she takes a deep breath. She looks down at the table like she’s contemplating on giving me a serious answer or lying. She clenches her jaw, sucks her lips in between her teeth then pushes her empty drink away

“I should get back..to luna” she doesnt give me anything 

“Right..yeah. She’s your girlfriend right?” I ask and i dont know why im doing this to myself. I already know the fucking answer. I think a part of me just wants to hear it come out of her mouth. Maybe if I do, i can get over us. Get over this. But the distance couldnt even help me with that. She bites down again, her jaw cutting through the tension in this room

“Yeah..i mean..well yeah” 

I dont know what that means but i dont ask for any other explanation. What more is there anyway? They’re together. Im not in her life. Why are we entertaining each other’s company like this? 

“Welcome home Clarke..it’s..nice to see you again”

God it pained her to say that. I could tell. Like regurgitating a fucking cactus, it took everything in her to say those words to me

“Yeah you too” 

Im not even discreet about how I watch Lexa return to her table. I wish i could look away and i really wish i did because seeing her kiss Luna on the temple of her head made me want to crumble. Disintegrate into thin air because what on fucking earth is wrong with me. I got over Finn faster than this and Lexa and I were never in a committed relationship. 

“That was painful to watch” Murphy wipes down the counter

“What”

“You two talking. I wanted to gouge me eyes out”

“Thanks Murphy”

“How you feeling” he’s never asked me that question before. I must look like shit

“I feel like i should go home”

“Dont let this ruin your night”

Too fucking late. And i know it’s my own damn fault. Im the one that left. Stupid me thinking she’d still be single a year later. She’s Lexa Woods. Everyone has always wanted a piece of her. She always had the pick of whomever she wanted. It’s no surprise that she’s found someone to make her happy. 

“Im not. Im just tired. The time change has me messed up” It’s half a truth at least. I really am exhausted..physically and mentally. As much as i appreciate all of this, i think it’s time i be alone and attempt to sleep. Tomorrow is gonna be a long day

“Im gonna head out” I tell Murphy who then feels the needs to yell it at the top of his lungs

“I will murder you in your sleep Murphy” I murmur as i hear a collectively said ‘why’ whining from everyone’s mouths. Raven immediately runs over and tries to change my mind 

“You okay?”

“Yeah i think it’s time i head to bed”

“Alright let me say bye to everyone- - “

“No Ray you stay. I called an Uber. You’re good”

“Clarke- -“

“I promise im fine. I have a lot to do tomorrow. You know with my entire house being covered in boxes, i prob should just get some sleep” That seemed to appease her. She nods and gives me a hug

“I’ll come over to help tomorrow”

“Cool. Thanks” I smile

“And thanks for all of this” 

Everyone waves, my eyes finding Lexa across the room who gives me an awkward wave herself. It’s shitty to admit she’s the only one in the room I notice and I give her a sad smile before jumping in my Uber. 

Polis smells the same, but feels different. I open a window and dont mind the breeze. Do i feel ..at home? I dont know. I dont fucking know what home is anymore. If it’s not in Paris with Niylah, is it here with..everyone else? I walk into my house, fucking freezing but not because it’s winter. It’s just unnecessarily large for one person…which gives me an idea. A bad one considering how sleep deprived i am and i probably shouldn’t be making an rash decisions right now. But i am. I need a change..another one. 

A new house

The next day i meet my mom for lunch and tell her about my plan. I thought maybe the alcohol in my system was the reason for such drastic decision-making but it wasnt. I still feel as strongly about it as i did last night 

“You sure honey?”

“Yeah mom. That house just has too many memories. I need to start fresh”

“Well if you’re sure, I’ll give you the number to a realtor. She sold our vacation home a few years ago”

“That sounds great mom thanks”

“Lemme just make the phone call” She grabs her phone then walks out into the backyard. I sip quietly on the tea she made for me. I dont know if this is smart of me to do. It might not be who fucking knows. But i want something..smaller..comfier. I was attached to my studio but i can paint in one of the extra rooms i know ill have. When my mom comes back, she sits down across from me and slices another piece of pie 

“So my realtor retired but she passed down her business to her daughter” 

“Oh?”

“Yeah i havent met her, but i gave her your number so she should be calling you soon”

“Name?”

“Gaia. If she’s anything like her mother, you’ll really like her”

We finish up lunch and i think it’s time i check out the state of my gallery since I’ve been gone. I will say I’ve missed it. Not that i have anything against the one in Paris but this one is mine..and only mine. Im not sharing it with anyone else. I didnt mind working for Marcus..god no, he’s helped my career in more ways than one. But this place is the culmination of all my blood, sweat and tears. When i walk inside, i immediately see the work i had shipped over. Harper placed it in the back wall where the sun doesnt hit knowing it’d fade the colors. I smile, walk over to them and just stare. It’s a bit busy today but that’s how i like it

“Clarke?” I turn around and Maya gives me a hug 

“Hey Maya. You guys took good care of the place” 

“Well duh…we knew if we didnt, you’d kill us”

“You’re right about that”

There was some reorganizing but that was probably to make space for these paintings. I agree wholeheartedly with the choices Harper made. 

“Harper is in her office. I think she’s on the phone with someone”

“Alright. Tell her to call me when she’s done”

I walk to the back, keeping my head down so none of the visitors will notice me. I dont feel like socializing right now. My fingers itch to paint. I feel so much. I feel too much and i dont know if that’s a good thing. I mean as opposed to feeling nothing at all, at least it gives me motivation to create. As soon as i open the doors to my studio, i slip inside and lock it. It’s dusty, i can see the speckles floating in the air within the sunlight that shines through my floor to ceiling windows. I didnt shut the curtains while i was gone cause it’d be fucking freezing in here if i did. My canvases are stacked against the wall, my paint safely away from the windows. I pull out an easel after turning on my music and now im starting to feel like home. I havent had an artist block since my divorce. I’ve done quite well expressing myself through color and brush strokes. It’s why I’ve made so much money in Paris. I did tell Harper not to sell anything I sent over here. Not because i felt all that attached to them, but because they were work that I made over..there. I felt different in Europe. My pieces had specks of my life there and i wanted them to be a reminder that it wasnt all bad. God if anything it was such an eye opening experience to live in a country i never visited with someone i barely knew. I had to trust the process and trust wasnt something i gave out vey easily. One of the canvases was a face..half skeleton, half human but the center was blended in such a way you’d see the skin growing, the emotions protruding. Fingers grip at what’s visible. Trying to rip the mask away but possibly trying to put a new one on? You’d think death..reincarnation. And that’s fine, but to me it was the start of nothing..bone dry. Then the creation of what I came to be. The acceptance of who i am. 

Mid stroke and..contemplation, my phone rings and i wipe my hands on the towel on my shoulder

“This is Clarke”

“Hi Miss Griffin..this is Gaia with Brook’s real estate.. your mother spoke with my mom and asked if give you a call?”

“Oh yes! Hi Gaia. How are you?”

“Im doing well thanks”

“You’re looking to sell your house?”

“I am..i need something new” 

“I hear you. I’d like to do a walk through whenever you’re available. Just to take a look at the place”

“Yeah sure..im available whenever you are”

“Well..actually I’ll be free in an hour if you are”

“That’s perfect. I’ll send you my address. Is this your cell phone?”

“It is. That’d be great. I’ll see you soon Miss Griffin”

“Clarke please. Just call me Clarke”

“Sorry..Clarke”

After we hang up, i start to clean up. I’ll finish this painting tomorrow. I dont always put up my work for everyone to see. Sometimes it’s just for me. I think this one is one of those paintings. It’s not anything life changing. Splashes of green..more green..and well..green. I dont know why I’ve obsessed over this color today. At least I’ll pretend i dont know why. It’s easier that way 

“Harp?” I knock on her office door and lightly push it open. She has her headset on as she types away on her computer. She mouths for me to come in and i sit across from her. Funny, you’d think she was my boss

“Okay I’ll talk to her about it bye” she presses a button on her headset and hangs up the phone

“Hey glad you’re here. Marcus told me people are still interested in buying your work hung up in his gallery in Paris”

“Nope. I told him no. If i sell then I’ll have to paint something else and send it over there to fill in the space. It’s hard enough keeping this place filled”

“You do a good job though. I mean look at all the business you’ve raked in”

“That’s also your doing Harp” i dont want her to sell herself short. She really does a lot. Promotes. Advertises. Runs the social media. Without her, I’d prob be broke

“Yeah yeah but still. Without you, there’d be nothing. So you want me to tell Marcus no?”

“I’ll talk to him again. If i do come up with new material, I’ll tell him he can sell but until then i dont want anyone buying anything of mine. Im sure Niylah would love to sell”

“Yeah but Niylah is not you Clarke. People want YOUR work specifically” she comments and i shrug. Still not selling 

“Anyway, i was just gonna tell you im about to head out. My realtor called so she wants to see my house” she pauses her typing

“You’re selling your place?” She blinks

“Yeah..im over it..the house i mean” i clear my throat 

“Oh..well..congrats! New hair..new house..what’s next???”

God i dont fucking know. 

“New..boooo?”

“Yeah right Harp. Im not looking for anyone right now. Im better off alone”

“Honey, that’s usually when the one shows up. When you least expect it”

Pfft…whatever. If i couldnt find a gorgeous girl to fall in love with in Europe, i doubt anyone here will catch my eye. Well..nevermind. Wont go there

“Riiiiight..anyway I’ll see you tomorrow” 

I wanna convince myself it’s getting warmer but i think im just numb to the cold now. I will say I prefer the snow compared to the rain. Mainly cause in Paris you could pretty much walk everywhere and it sucked walking in the rain. My hair wasnt having it which is one of the reasons i chopped it off. When i get home, i attempt to tidy up a bit but it’s kinda hard to do with all my crap everywhere. I probably should’ve reschedule. This woman is gonna think im a hoarder. 

“Fuck” I kick and push boxes away from the door. I cant even attempt to start unpacking because my doorbell rings

Im not really sure what i expected when i open the door but a beautiful woman with long blonde dreads swept to the side wasnt it. Skin smooth and smile white against her tanned skin, her mouth parts a bit when she checks me out once or twice

“Miss Griffin” she clears her throat

“Clarke” I correct her

“Right..im sorry but…hold on” She stutters and shakes her head

“You’re Clarke Griffin” she takes a deep breath

“Yes”

“The…artist” She digs through her purse to show me a ticket stub she bought a few months ago

“Yup that’s my gallery” i smile and the gasp she lets out makes me chuckle. I still havent gotten used to this reaction from people 

“I should’ve put two and two together. Im so stupid” She throws her belongings back in her purse

“You wanna come in?” 

“Yes!” She nearly yells

“I mean yes..im sorry im usually more professional than this”

Her heels echo through my loft. She looks up at my high ceilings then the clutter around us

“Sorry..i just came back”

“From Paris correct?”

“Yeah. Havent had time to unpack..well hopefully i wont need to if i can see the place”

“Oh you’ll be able to sell. Trust me” She winks and my goodness is it charming

“I didnt think you’d be so…”

“Young?” She laughs and i nod

“Yeah my mom wanted to step away from the whole real estate thing and travel with my dad so i took over a few years ago”

“Do you like it?” I ask as she makes her way to my kitchen which happens to be the most pristine place in the house

“I do” she places her purse on my island and smiles at me, her hands flat on the counter

“This is a great place, Clarke” She tells me

“You havent even seen the upstairs yet”

“I know but the first floor is fantastic. Good light. Big backyard. Spacious. You’ll probably have a a bidding war going on” 

“I dont really care how much”

“Ooooh dont say that out loud” she winks and i laugh

“I just..i need a new place to live”

“I know a few places if youre not busy now i can take you”

She has a pretty sparkle in her eye. Do i feel like going around town with this stranger for the rest of my day?

“Im not. Lets go”

I guess i do

House after house, we go through them at record speed. I spend a maximum of 10 minutes in each place which doesnt seem like a lot but if im not feeling it within that time frame then I know it wont be the one. I have two criteria that the house i want to live in must have. One, there must be a room with natural lighting that i can use as my art studio. So a large window but the sun cant shoot directly at the back wall so the position of the room is important. And two, my backyard has to overlook the city. Reminiscent of Paris, i really miss the view from up high. I told Gaia of my preferences and i thought they were doable. But i found something wrong with every house we went into.

“Clarke..look at the master in this one”

“It’s nice”

“That’s what you said about the last 4 houses”

“I know ..i know but like..Ugggh i dont know what it is. My ex husband took care of all this crap” I think im supposed to appreciate the type of wood used to construct these cabinets

“Screw him! Wouldnt you love this bath??” She pushes the door open to show me the large tub in the center of the master bathroom. 

“Think about it..you finished painting a masterpiece..your wrists are cramping. Your body hurts. You just wanna relax in here..warm water. A bath bomb. Candles” She walks around me whispering..making me imagine this day in particular. It gives me goosebumps

“You’re too good at your job. Let’s go. I hate the sink” i stick my tongue out at her

“The sink?? Whats wrong with the sink!”

Nothing in particular..this house just isnt it

“God it’s already 7.. where the hell did the time go?”

“It went out the window along with all those prospects” Gaia laughs as i jump into her car

“You wanna grab some dinner?” She asks so casually i forget we only met today. I pause, my eyes shifting between hers and her lips

“I mean just..so we can discuss more about your asking price..you know” She backtracks like she forgot this was a professional relationship and not a friendship

“Uh..yeah yeah. That sounds good”  

We didn’t talk about my house at all. We sit here, beer in our hands laughing about anything and everything. Gaia brought us to a Japanese spot downtown. Good music, nice vibe. It feels like we’ve known each other for years

“No no he was the worst boss ever! When i left that place, i egged his car”

“Oh my god Gaia are you 12?!”

“I was 22 at the time but basically”

“He deserved it. Never passed up an opportunity to ‘accidentally’ grope my ass” 

“In that case, he deserved more than just a few eggs”

“He did. Which is why i had someone slash three of his tires too” 

“Why only three?’

“Cause if it’s four, insurance will pay for it”

“Oh my god..you’re a fucking genius” We clink our bottles together and im not gonna a lie…im a little drunk. The waiter comes by with two soju shots

“We didnt order these”

“Those two guys over there sent it over” He points and they wave

“Oh uh..thanks” Gaia says but she shifts awkwardly on her seat

“You want it?” She asks me

“No..im good..i dont want them to get the wrong idea”

“Which is what?”

“That im like..interested” i swallow

“Not cute enough for you?” She teases

“It’s not that..it’s..” i debate on telling her about how i havent dated a man since finn. That men just haven’t interested me and I’ve been more into women lately but i stop myself

“Just not interested. What about you huh?”

“Not my cup of tea” she shrugs 

“Oh yeah? Not your type?”

“Nope. I prefer them with no facial hair..longer legs..oh and boobs” she says and i nearly spit out my beer. She takes offense to my surprise 

“I didnt think an artist would be so close-minded” she scoffs

“No! Oh my god no im not.. im..fuck im..bi” Jesus that sounded convincing. And totally reassuring

“ Im bi i swear” i say again and she pulls her drink up to her lips

“Okay” she nods

“You dont believe me?”

“I didnt say that”

“You’re looking at me like im lying”

“Im not” She laughs 

“You just said it with so much..uncertainty that it caught me off guard” she shrugs 

“Oh..well yeah im kind of a late bloomer” i say with so much embarrassment in my voice that Gaia calls over the waiter who then comes back with a whole new bottle of soju. She pours us two shots

“To your..late blooming” She smiles and hands me a shot. Her smile bright and the atmosphere around us a lot lighter than when i was in a bar with everyone that knew me, i feel somewhat at peace…very strange considering Gaia’s a stranger. But we talk like we’re not. She looks at me like she knows me..or wants to at least. Im overthinking. And drunk..yeah let’s just say that 

Chapter Text

I havent been able to sleep. Havent had much of an appetite. I dont know what’s wrong with me. i dont get sick. Havent been since i was like 20. So what the hell is happening? Im coughing my lungs out. Im sweating like an animal. My hair sticks to my face but i cant bare to move it right now. 

“Lex i think you should really see a doctor”

“Im fine”

“No you’re not. Your entire back is drenched”

God it is. I take my shirt off..my body aching when i raise my arms as if my shirt weighs a hundred pounds. I grab another shirt from my bedside dresser, the chills taking over the millisecond the air hits my skin. Luna finds a thermometer in my bathroom

“Open up”

“No”

“Lexa stop being so goddamn stubborn. I need to see if you have a fever”

“I- -“ she shoves it under my tongue and it beeps right away

“102. You need to see a doctor” 

“I need to sleep. That’s it” i sniffle and throw the covers over my head

“Im leaving Tylenol and some water here okay?” I hear the rattling of the Tylenol bottle before she places it on my bedside table 

“Please call me if you need anything. I’ll text you when i get to work”

“Bye luna”

At some point i fall asleep..or pass out. My body doesnt feel relaxed, but i cant open my eyes anyway. My mind races, my muscles uncomfortably still. The fever dreams are too realistic. Too vivid.  Am I awake or not? There’s a sharp pain in my chest when i breathe that radiates to my back. What the fuck is going on?

I appear in a blinding white building. The only contrast in color? Blonde hair. She’s so close yet so far, the more i walk the further she gets. Her voicemail rings loud between us. Over the intercom and through the whispers of the crowd around me. Telling me she’s leaving. She accepted a job in Paris. Everyone wears white blending in with the walls so much so that they appear like snowflakes gliding across the floor. But i hear the voices. Hear the regret of my stupidity. She doesnt seem bothered.. as if i’m the only one who hears anything in this goddamn room. She doesnt see me yet but i call and yell. Nothing comes out of my mouth. The ground collapses and we’re at the airport now. im struggling to keep up with her. Trying my hardest to keep her in my sights.. I run but im so slow. Why am i so slow? I cant get to her. She’s passed security and i dont have a boarding pass. I dont care. I dash through but security doesnt follow me. Nope scratch that. I’m tackled to the ground as I helplessly call for clarke while im being handcuffed. I watch as she enters the plane never looking back. She has no idea i was there. That i tried to stop her from getting on that damn plane. It’s hard to differentiate between a nightmare and reality. The walls shift. The air fogs. People engulf me as im pinned on this dirty floor. My cries for help are what jolts me awake

“FUCK” oh my god breathing hurts. My chest is on fire. I cant get enough air in. I sit up, i cough out my lungs. I feel so so dizzy. And so cold but so goddamn hot. I check my phone, a bunch of texts but i dont read any. I wanna go to the bathroom but i dont have the energy. I click on Anya’s name

“An?” I hack out

“Lex? You okay? Luna said you were sick”

“I cant breathe” and i really cant. The harder i try, the worse the cough becomes

“What?”

“I. Cant. Breathe”

“Im coming” 

That’s all i remember before the fatigue takes over yet again 

My eyes shut but hearing still functioning, i hear arguing. Beeping. And TV in the background. Where the hell am i? My body feels paralyzed. The chills are still there but not as bad. I feel like shit. Complete and utter shit

“You shouldnt have left her alone!”

“What the hell do you mean Anya?! I thought it was just a fucking cold. How am i supposed to know she has pneumonia!”

“The doctor said she sounds like shit. You couldnt hear the rattling in her chest??”

“No what the fuck! How could I- “

“Hey” i rasp out and they pause to face me

“What are you two screaming about. You’re giving me a headache”

“I told you you needed to see a doctor Lex” Luna sits on the side of my bed, he hand finds mine and god she feels so warm compared to me

“I didnt think it was this bad” i admit, im breathing better. But only when i sit up 

“Where am i?” I ask

“Hospital”

I havent been in a hospital in years. I hate it. I hate the smell. The atmosphere. The damn food. I dont wanna be here but i cant exactly run can i? There’s tubes attached to me. An IV in my arm. Also there’s no way in hell Anya would let me sign out in this condition

“How did i get here?” I really have zero recollection from the time i was in my bed to..now

“I brought you to urgent care, but you could barely walk. They called an ambulance instead and brought you to Polis Memorial”

“I got a room right away? I must’ve been on my death bed” probably a terrible time to make a joke, but this hospital is always filled. I thought I’d be in the ER for at least a day

“We knew someone” Anya says nonchalantly 

“Who?” 

Just as I ask, the door opens and an older blonde that I havent seen in..god knows how long walks through. White coat and badge attached to her pocket square, she doesnt look a day over 50. So elegant and poised in the way she approaches, if i didnt know who this woman was, i would be slightly intimidated but entranced with how she holds herself. I mean the intimidation is still slightly there. Last i saw her, we were at her daughter’s gallery having a pleasant conversation. She talked about her like she was god’s gift to earth and i wholeheartedly agreed.

She stared at me like she knew before i did. And mother’s intuition is rarely wrong so i couldnt even hide my heart eyes. She didnt seem put off..she was intrigued if anything. She didnt ask anything too damning. Just about me..my job..my ‘friendship’ with her daughter. Investigating just like she did at her house on Christmas. Im not the best at impressing parents but I only say that cause it’s not something i ever had to do. I just imagine the judgy stares after seeing my inked skin and motorcycle so the assumption that im not good enough or im a bad seed was always there. But Dr Griffin didnt look at me like that. She was..nice. Motherly even and she barely knew me. 

“Dr Griffin?” I immediately straighten up, attempt to look put together but i know thats a lost cause

“Lexa” She smiles and lightly cups my cheek which is supposed to weird me out considering she’s not my mom. Not a maternal figure at all. But it made me feel..good. Comforted. Safe and i almost start crying

“I thought you were retired”

“Semi-retired. I’ll come in every now and then when im emergently needed. Like today” She looks to Anya and that’s when i realize..they kept in contact? When? Has anya been keeping this life of hers completely separate from me because it intertwined with Clarke’s. I mean i knew she kept in contact with Clarke cause of Raven but her mom???

“So Lexa. You have a bad case of pneumonia. Borderline septic. But we have you on antibiotics now so we should see an improvement in your labs soon”

“How’s your breathing?”

“Crappy” She takes a stethoscope and listens to my chest

“Some fluid in there. I’ll speak to the attending to prescribe a diuretic that’ll make you urinate like crazy. You also have breathing treatments scheduled so by tomorrow you should be feeling better”

“You mean I have to stay the night?”

“Are you kidding Lexa. You should stay a week!” Anya yells and Luna agrees

“Probably not a week. Maybe a few nights” Abby chuckles 

“I really dont think- -“

The door opens again and it’s a good thing im in the hospital because my heart definitely stopped. Holding a tray of drinks, she freezes when she sees me awake. The room is way too crowded now. I attempt to make myself smaller in this uncomfortable bed, pulling the blanket up to my chest as if im naked and i might as well be because im sure she could see every insecurity i have. As soon as my brain starts working again, i turn my head to glare at Anya

“You told her i was in the hospital?!” I growl

“Actually” Dr Griffin interjects

“We were baking cookies together when Anya called me. She couldnt help but overhear. I apologize Lexa”

She looks..hurt. I didnt mean to sound so offended she’d come see me but i look like crap. Feel worse. Do you think I’d really want her seeing me this way?

“Im just dropping these off.. thought you’d want something warm” She clears her throat and leaves the tray on the table

“I’ll go”

“No wait” It comes out automatically. I didn’t mean it to. Like im trying to make up for the fact that i didn’t stop her when she left. As if i can turn back time and yell these two words at her at the airport, i pray this is making up for the fact that i did absolutely nothing to get her to stay. Didnt call her back. Didnt have a conversation with her. Didnt give her the time of day. I just let her leave. 

And i regret it

“Dr Griffin can we speak to you outside? Just about the plan of care” Anya pulls Luna out and Abby follows. Now we’re alone. Why the hell would she do this to me. I literally cant run. Is my breathing labored cause of the pneumonia or cause her scent has taken over my pulmonary system. She stands awkwardly by the door, the beating of our hearts palpitating the only sound echoing in the room. She looks worried. Actually worried and i cant imagine why. Well i can but..i dont want to think it has anything to do with her caring about me

“How are you feeling?” 

“Terrible”

She stands against the wall, her hands behind her back and chin down. Still so gorgeous. She must know where the fountain of youth is because she hasnt aged a day. Is it in Paris? Did she drink from that spout daily? Should i ask? Even the way her hair is cut has only accentuated her flawless skin and revealed that smooth neck. Through my hazy vision i still see it all. That mole above her lip. The crease between her eyebrows. The subtle smile as she looks down at the floor. Shes more comfortable than when she was sitting next to me at the bar. Granted, it was the first time we’ve seen or talked to each other since our..break-up? I never really figured out what to call it. 

“Im sorry i ruined..baking with your mom”

“Dont be. She loves to help” 

“I just…” she pauses and god do i wanna come closer. Move into her space and hug her because we havent touched yet. It used to feel magnetic. There was this pull between us that was impossible to ignore. Always wanting to be closer. Needing to be in each other’s space. Now our charges are opposite. Something telling us to stay far far away. But even with the warnings. The pain. The forced distance.  She’s still in me. My heart yearns for her. Needing her to give me anything. Even the graze of her fingertips against my shirt. Or a whiff of her shampoo as she walks past me. She can give me an inch knowing it’d go a mile. It’s so pathetic but i cant seem to care when my breathing seemingly has gotten better with her in the room. The air usually thick enough to slice with a knife, i actually feel like i can get air into my lungs with her standing here. At first, i couldnt. But that’s because my breath hitching when she appears has always been a reflex. Never voluntary. But now..her scent may as well be in my nebulizer treatments because she is the only thing making me feel better

“I didnt know you kept in touch with my mom” she says sadly and I almost want to lie and say we talked everyday 

“I didnt. Apparently anya has” 

“Aaah” she nods like she had no idea 

“Well she didnt tell me that”

“No?”

“No. Only said shes going to dinner with raven here and there..omitted Anya’s name” 

“It makes sense i guess” She adds and i give her a peculiar stare that she only smiles at. Oh god my lungs are already bad. I dont need my heart going nuts too

“I mean they’ve been together for a while. Raven is basically my sister so yeah…the girlfriend is always welcome around her”

“Right…” I clear my throat and i realize she’s still standing across the room

“You wanna…sit?” I ask and she’s surprised. It’s so..cute. Like no one’s ever offered her a seat before

“You sure?”

No but im being rude and she’s being..so nice and..normal? Can we be two people making small talk? Enjoying each other’s company without the air turning tense and unbearable? We’re about to see

“Yeah…yeah i am”

She takes a few steps forward. Hospital rooms arent huge so it doesnt take many for her to reach the recliner next to me. I dont know why i thought she’d sit in the chair further away. All i know is i like her this close..and thats bad

“So pneumonia huh? Maybe that’ll teach you a lesson about having a motorcycle in the winter” she jokes and I cant help the smile that creeps up on my face

“Actually..i got a car” her eyes widen and i can practically sweep her jaw off the floor

“I still have the bike. The car is just you know..better for the snow” 

“I did tell you four wheels are better than two” She says and i know she meant it was a joke. A way to keep the mood light. But bringing up old conversations we used to have just made my whole chest..ache. And not in the way it’s been all day. This pain, the longing has only gotten worse with her around me. But i have to suck it up. Our circles are intertwined and this could be step one into being amicable 

“Yeah…you were right” i tried to make it sound not soo..depressing but with my coarse throat and stuffy nose it didnt work

“So hows it feel being back?” I attempt to change the subject 

“Kind of strange. Feels like i never left but also like i’ve been gone for longer than a year”

“I mean i cant believe Murphy’s engaged” 

“Yeah watching him propose was pretty hilarious” 

“You were there?” She turns her body to face me and i nod

“I was…it was at the bar but he transformed it into this chic intimate setting with roses and candles. He needed our artistic expertise so we all helped with setting up” I tell her and she looks in disbelief..also sort of sad. Like she missed out on things while she gone. I don’t like the way her eyes drift towards a random spot on my bed. How her fingers play with the thread on her jacket. And how her knee bounces. She’s anxious

“He messed up the proposal” I blurt out

“Tripped over some of the wiring and put the ring on the wrong finger” that gets a small laugh out of her. I reach over to grab my phone and scroll through my photo album. I hand it over to her to watch a video i took of him proposing while we were hiding in different areas.  She can hear me cursing at Anya and Raven to move their big heads. It’s a terrible video. Unsteady and the view was blocked in certain parts. But she laughs. She genuinely laughs and now my chest feels a whole lot better 

“You need to work on your camera work” She teases and i roll my eyes

“Yes i know. I tried but dumb and dumber were hiding with me” 

“I wouldnt have chosen to hide with any of you”

“Hey i picked the best spot! Thats why they followed me” i jokingly grab at my phone and thats when our fingers touch. So light and quick but i felt every electrical spark wake up my nerve endings. As if i was being defibrillated, i know im in the hospital but im not actively dying. I didnt need to be shocked but this was involuntary. And the thing is i knew she felt it too cause she stares right at me at the same time i do. Oh no

Oh no no…the direct eye contact is too much for me. Now im spellbound. Hypnotized by those baby blues im too scared to admit i missed. She sucks me in. Sucks me dry. My throat is a desert. My body is burning up again and i don’t know if it’s cause of a fever or how her gaze sears right through me. Im thinking the latter

Shes the first to look away. The spell broken as soon as she faces a different direction. My brain is still trying to figure out how to form words again. I was doing fairly well until that

“Are you all unpacked?” Thank god i was able to pull it together 

“Oh no... Im moving”

Im pretty sure i have a heart attack. Is she fucking kidding me? Is it her mission in life to kill me then bring me back to life then kill me again? What’s the purpose here? Why come back if she was just gonna leave again? Where to this time? What part of this godforsaken world will be blessed with her presence? Somewhere more tropical? Or a region with more mountains? Why come back at all? And i know part of this is my fault. She didnt wanna see me in the first place. Im the one that showed up to her welcome home party. Im the one that entertained a conversation with her. Im the one who didnt leave when every voice in my head was telling me to run. If i never showed up, then she could’ve left again and it would’ve made no difference to me. Like she never came back home to begin with, I’d go about my life with Luna and just be done with all of these stupid goddamn feelings that resurfaced. Im about to rip out every tube attached to me. Fuck the oxygen. What’s the point of breathing if it’s not her air? I dont want the antibiotics. I don’t need it. I dont need any of this. All i want is to get the fuck out of here and go home. Never feel like this again. 

“Lexa?”

As if i didnt feel shitty enough, hearing my name out of her mouth was a gut punch. How much more can i handle? To kick me while im down is torture. To continuously tear me apart is evil. A year later and hearing that she’s moving still has the same effect. If anything it’s worse and i don’t even know why. Im with someone else. Im happy. I..

“Oh my god” she says when she sees my breathing has sped up 

“I mean im selling my house. Im buying another place…here” she clarifies and that’s when i look up at her. The tears that were threatening to escape just at the edge are saying where they’re at. I rub my eyes to hide the near panic attack i just had

“You’re buying a new house?”

“Yeah..i dont know..my mom set me up with a realtor and I’ve been looking so..im moving..but not sure where yet. It’ll be in the area though”

I can breathe. My heart rate slows. My muscles relax. She’s not leaving. She’s..staying here. With me..well no not with me. But here 

“So not like..Iceland or Madagascar” I mumble

“No” She laughs and leans forward, her head leaning against the side rail 

“I did hear Iceland is more green than icy though. I’d Iike to visit one day” her eyes sparkle when she talks about traveling but knowing she’ll always be connected to this place. Polis is home to her. She can literally choose to live anywhere but she came back here even with all the shitty memories it holds. That includes me. She left but i let her. I’ve dreamt of what would’ve happened if i answered her damn calls. If i never let it go to voicemail. If i showed up at the airport like in my fever dream. Would she have stayed? Chosen me? But then i would’ve been asking her to choose between me and her career. God knows im not worth that much. But it doesnt matter because now I’ll never know. I fucked that up. I shut her out. It’s my fault 

“Clarke” I whisper and she hears me. The tremble in my voice. How i call for her but really im just getting used to her name on my tongue again. It feels strange. Just the sound of it used to make me dizzy and sick and like my insides were ripping apart. I dont think i’ve said her name at all. And now? I say it and i feel like im..healing. She’s here. In my hospital room. Her mom, the reason im not half dead at home. I thought we’d be nothing more than two people that used to know each other. But now we meet again and the cracks in my heart are mending 

“Yeah?” She answers back moving closer to my bed but this damn side rail is like a wall between us. What wold happen if she puts it down? Nothing would separate us. She could climb over in my bed with me if she wanted to. Oh god maybe the infection has spread to my brain.

“Um..can we- -“

The door swings open and Luna comes through like she’s frustrated. Clarke backs up creating space between us so luna can walk up to me

“God no one can do anything without me i swear” She huffs and stands above me texting on her phone

“I need to handle something at work babe. Im sorry. I wanna stay but people are so incompetent” 

“It’s okay Luna. Thanks for coming” she kisses my forehead. Clarke looks away. Standing up to face the window instead. Not long after Anya and Abby come through

“Thanks for visiting Clarke” Luna says and she smiles and nods before saying bye to everyone else

“Im gonna take off Lexa. Anything you need before I go?”

“No Dr. Griffin. Thank you for everything”

“I’ll check on you tomorrow. Honey you coming?”

“In a little” Clarke says

“Dont be too long. Don’t you have another house to see?”

“Oh..yeah i didnt forget. I’ll be going soon”

When Abby leaves, Anya leans against the door frame with her arms crossed

“Finally moving out of that 1980s castle of yours?”

“Yeah it’s time” 

“Good. I hated it”

“When have you ever been in my house?” She raises an eyebrow at Anya

“Who do you think carried all those boxes inside? Raven and her noodle arms?”

“She told me you helped..which i thought meant you ordered her around while you sipped on a coffee” 

“Pfft I did all the heavy lifting bitch”

I watch them bicker like sisters. Before Anya couldnt stand her so it’s weird to see that she actually..likes Clarke. The arguing isnt real. It’s familial. Clarke purposely annoys her and Anya rolls her eyes but i can see the fondness in her expression when they disagree. 

“Whatever Anya im leaving anyway” I hear and Clarke smiles at me walking up to the bed and adjusting the nasal cannula in my nose without any sort of warning. 

“Stay alive okay?” She says and im too speechless to say anything back

“Bye dummy!” Anya yells before the door shuts

“i didnt know you two were that close” I stare at Anya after she plops down on the recliner Clarke was just sitting on

“What? God no she drives me nuts”

“Sure An. Ive seen you irritated with her. That’s not the case anymore”

“Well she’s Raven’s best friend so i have to be cordial” She shrugs and i laugh

“You’re more than just cordial. You’re…friends”

“Shut up Lex”  she puts her feet up on the end of my bed

“If you had let me talk about her while she was away then you’d know i dont hate the woman..anymore” 

Maybe that’s my fault. I couldnt bare to hear anything about Clarke. They werent even allowed to say her name around me. I mean I knew they were in contact because of Raven but as far as Abby being in her life? And how close they actually are? I ignored all of it. I tried to keep me and that part of Anya’s life separated because it hurt too much. I mean it helped not hearing anything about her but i guess i didnt really think about what would happen if she were to come back and I’d witness their dynamic. Im..jealous. They have their own inside jokes. Their own way of speaking to each other. Clarke’s stayed connected with Anya while being on the other side of the world and i couldnt even return a text before she left. This is all my doing and i know it but it doesnt make it suck any less

“And Abby?”

“What about her?”

“Youre close enough to call her that im dying”

“She’s the only doctor i know so yes i did that”

“Close enough to have her number”

“Whats your point Lexa? Abby is basically Raven’s mother too. If she’s important to Raven then she’s important to me” 

It’s quiet for a moment. I take in what she said and let it simmer

“So you’re admitting Clarke’s important to you?”

“I will literally kill you in your sleep Lexa” she rolls her eyes and i smirk as she looks for something to watch on TV 

Chapter Text

I cant concentrate. Painting on autopilot has never really been a thing for me because i put my all into it. I have to otherwise I’ll fuck up somehow. A brush stroke in the wrong spot. A color in the wrong area. It wouldnt be obvious to others but it would be to me. But right now i dont care because theres only one thing on my mind. Lexa is in the damn hospital and Im not there. I’ve incessantly texted Anya asking how she is. What her vitals are. If they need anything. I dont have the balls to text Lexa herself because..i havent done that since all those ignored texts i sent before leaving. So i will settle for Anya and her bitchy self

My phone rings and thats when i realize i was spacing out this entire time. I take a step back and take a look at this canvas. Very..abstract. Someone will buy it

“Hello?”

“God you’re so irritating” 

“If you answered my texts then i wouldnt have to be”

“Im busy bitch. Why dont you text Raven? She was just here”

“Cause she’s actually busy. You’re not doing anything but eating the hospital’s entire stock of jello”

“Im not doing that” she grumbles like a five year old before attempting to cover the receiver as she yells at another person

“She’s just so damn annoying” Anya says to someone that isnt me. I hear shuffling and a garbled arguing before the phone ends up in different hands

“Fine here”

“Hello Clarke”

Oh god oh god oh god. I didnt expect to hear her over the phone. I feel like i always have to prepare myself to hear my name come out of her mouth. Always with a calmness, a softness that accompanies regardless of how she feels about me..I immediately find comfort in her voice .

“Hi. How are you feeling?”

“Better. I wanna go home”

“WELL YOU CANT” i hear Anya yell in the back

“If you’re feeling better why cant you be discharged?”

“Dr Griffin said they’re waiting for my blood cultures to come back to see what kind of antibiotics i need to go home with”  

“Are you still wearing oxygen?”

“No i got weaned off it this morning”

“That’s great Lexa”

“Yeah now if only these stupid cultures would come back so i can go. Its been three days already”

“People spend much longer than three days in the hospital for pneumonia you know”

“Not 30 year olds with great immune systems. This is the first time I’ve been sick in years”

“And it put you in the hospital. I wouldn’t rush getting out of there Lexa. I’d heard stories of people being readmitted because they were too eager to get discharged”

“Ugh..i know. I just..i hate it here. I feel gross. Im stuck in this room..and dont even get me started on the food”

That gives me an idea. A bad one probably but an idea nonetheless. Should i? No..I shouldnt. It’s not my place. We’re not even friends. 

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving. I let Anya eat my lunch. It looked gross”

“Alright I’ll be there soon”

“What? No. I wasnt telling you to get me food”

“Tell her to get me a milkshake!” I hear in the background

“Shut up An!”

“Ask her what kind she wants”

“No. She doesnt get shit”

“I think I heard Raven talk about her love for strawberries so i’ll get her a strawberry one”

Silence ensues and i think the call dropped

“Lexa?”

“Yeah? Yes..i uh..yeah that’s the flavor she always gets. Im just surprised you know that”

“I pay attention sometimes..what would you like? Im gonna go get burgers”

“You really don’t have to. Im sure a person can live off pudding and jello”

“Alright I’ll choose for you. Be there soon”

I hang up and now i can take a breath. Fuck. What the hell am i doing? I shouldnt be doing favors for her..but she’s my..friend? Oh god can i call her that? No. We were never just friends. I dont know what she is..she’s lexa 

Anya: and fries

I roll my eyes until another text comes through

Lexa: thank you 

My heart stop. No it actually stops. Am i next to be admitted? 

Lexa: it’s lexa by the way. You dont have to keep texting Anya. I know how unhelpful she can be

Not one but two texts from her? I never deleted our old conversations but i cant bare to scroll up and re read what we used to be. And i def dont like looking at all the blue from the one sided conversation i was having with myself. She never blocked me which is a surprise. If she really didn’t wanna hear from me again, she could’ve just done that. And the fact that she had to reintroduce herself in the text means she thinks i deleted her number. Never. 

What should i say back? I mean she left it pretty open-ended. I dont have to say anything back. I mean she didnt say anything back all those texts ago. But we were obviously in a bad place. I mean are we in a better place now? She’s in the hospital and i cant really be a dick to her. Ugh whats wrong with me

Clarke: yeah i dont know how Raven lives with her

That’s normal. Very normal. We can do this

Lexa: well Raven is quite annoying herself so they’re made for each other

Be still my fucking heart. Im not used to seeing her name on my phone. It’s almost too much to handle

I change out of my painting clothes and head into Harper’s office

“Harp? Im leaving”

“So soon?”

“Gonna visit lexa in the hospital” 

“Oh” 

Before i leave her office, i take one more look back when i catch her hiding behind her computer

“What Harper”

“Nothing”

“No really what”

“Well..we all saw you two at the bar…it looked..intense” 

“That was a week ago..we’re..fine now” a little less than fine but we’re getting there is what i really wanted to say but you know

“Good..that’s good to hear Clarke. Tell her i said hi”

“I will” i dont want to hear more of what she thinks. Im doing my best to make this friendship or whatever this is work. It has to. We’re in the same inner circle now so..i dont have a choice. I make my way to the burger joint by the hospital so the food is still warm when i get to her. Two burgers, three fries, a strawberry shake for Anya and..wait what does Lexa want to drink

Clarke: do you want a shake too?

Lexa: chocolate please

And two chocolate shakes. It reminds me of when we drank hot chocolate together the one time we got snowed in. That was the day i realized Lexa would mean a little more to me than your typical acquaintance you’re trying to get to know. She spoke to me in a way that resonated. There was something between us from the very beginning and we tried so hard to fight it. There were many factors, many signs telling us what we had had to be ignored. So we resisted for a while.  She tried to make it work with Costia. I sat back and thought about what these feelings were that i had for this..woman. It was so complicated..until we both said fuck it and tried. It didnt last long. It was so…short-lived. But my god I’ve felt enough love from her to last two lifetimes. The mind-consuming fervor, the blinding passion, the unspoken desires. I should’ve known it wouldnt last. Too good to be true, too complicated to continue, we werent ready. Am i saying i am now? Im more confident. I know who i am. My divorce is a thing of the past. Im not harboring any unresolved hatred towards him. Im..well i should be content. But im not and that could be me being selfish. My career is fulfilling. Im looking for a new house. My friends are still here. But then..there’s lexa. She’s with someone else and i have to be okay with that. 

“Order 35!” They call my number and i grab the bags and drinks. I hop in my car and make the short drive to the hospital. The closer i get to her room, the faster my heart rate is. Fuck. If im gonna be okay with this whole friend thing then my heart is gonna have to stop doing that 

I take a few deep breaths before i knock. Anya opens the door for me and her eyes immediately fall to the bag in my hand

“Took you long enough”

“You’re welcome” i roll my eyes as she grabs her drink and shoves her hand in the bag to find her fries

“Oh my god Anya can you let her come in first??” Lexa looks better. More refreshed. Her hair draped to the side of her neck and face bare but clean. She looks magnificent 

“You look so much better” i smile and she bites her cheek trying to hold back a smile of hers

“She was adamant about showering before you got here’

“Shut up” she mumbles 

“I had to help her..disgusting” Anya fake gags

“Oh please im hotter than anyone you’ve ever been with” she deadpans and i laugh

“HA. You havent seen my Raven naked” Anya winks 

“Ew please. Dont” that’s where i cut in. I def don’t wanna talk about my best friend naked

I place the food down on her table and pull out one of the burgers for Lexa. I set it down on a paper towel and rip open a straw and place it in her milkshake

“What the hell are you doing Clarke. Her hands work just fine” Anya raises an amused eyebrow at me. I didnt even realize what i was doing

“Oh..well i - -“

“Thank you” Lexa says and now i know im embarrassingly red. I dont know what to do with my hands. So i grab my drink, the sounds in the room preventing an awkward silence. Lexa looks at me, i look at Anya, Anya shifts her gaze between us and this just feels awfully uncomfortable for three people that know each other. 

“Anywaaaay..im glad you’re here. She’s your problem now. I have a client in an hour” Anya grabs her coat

“You’re leaving?” My eyes widen

“Yup..im covering for her sick ass” she points at lexa who decided this is the best time to absolutely devour that burger right now

“Lincoln and O have been the only two there for the past few days so they’ve been working on their clients and greeting everyone coming in and manning the register so i gotta go”

“But i - “ 

“Make sure she doesnt elope. I saw her looking at the emergency exit when we went for a walk around the nursing station earlier. Thanks Clarke!” She opens and shuts the door. Now I’m left alone with Lexa ..again. The tv plays in the background. Im standing at the side of her bed while she digs into the burger and fries i got her. I dont even think she noticed Anya left

“You can sit you know”

She mumbles, her mouth full of fries. I sit next to her and grab my burger. We sit in silence for a few minutes. I let her eat because it seems like she hasnt eaten in days and it’s comforting to see that she’s not suffering in my company. So instead of forcing a conversation or small talk, we watch jeopardy like an elderly couple 

“Come on..that question was so easy!” I yell at the TV

“Maybe for you” Lexa laughs

“You mean you didnt know Australia was the only continent with no active volcanoes?” 

“No, Clarke i did not know that”

Then the next question appears

Emily Elizabeth and this large colorful canine have many adventures in works by Norman Bridwell

“CLIFFORD” We both scream at the same time

“Oh so you know the question about the children’s story book?”

“I am a very avid reader” she jokes and we’ve been watching this for about an hour now. It’s nice. Fun actually. I had no idea being in the hospital with the woman who healed my heart and broke it all over again would be so nice. She looks at me. I smile at her. Our milkshakes nothing but leftover whipped cream at the bottom. How the hell is this woman so effortlessly perfect? No make-up. Hair wavy. In a damn hospital gown. She glows without needing any help from serums or creams. It’s tiring, really. No woman has ever compared to her. And i was in fucking France. 

“Your hair looks good” she compliments and we’re both surprised at the words that escaped her mouth

“I mean like..i didnt tell you when i saw you. I thought i should” She backtracks and im not sure how to respond

“You know at your..party. I was just overwhelmed and i know we talked but we didnt get to talk..talk. So..”

oh she’s rambling 

“Your hair looks good” She repeats and i think im about to die

“Thank you” i blush. Like visibly blush. She sees my cheeks, my nose, my damn ears turn a bright shade of pink and i dont know what to do

So i decide to change the subject

“So whats Luna do for  a living?”

Yeah i need to bring up the girlfriend. Not just as a conversation started but a reminder to myself that Lexa is ,in fact, taken.

“Cosmetologist” she clears her throat, her eyes drifting back to face the TV

“Oh cool. That’s why her hair and make-up looks so good all the time” i compliment but i see the way Lexa tenses in her bed

“Yeah”

One word answers. Great. Why? Im taking interest in her life. Her love life to be specific. So why is she pissed? Well not pissed but standoffish. Am i not supposed to care? Or bring up the girlfriend I’ve talked to multiple times now. Did she tell her im here? Does she know the kind of past we have? Should i ask? No. This isnt about me 

“Wanna watch a movie” she asks before i can ask anymore questions about them 

“Here” she hands me the remote so i can choose

“Are you tired? I can go”

“No..i wanna watch a movie. Pick something good” it doesnt take long for me to decide because i see one of my favorite movies 

“50 first dates it is” 

She lied

She fell asleep 10 minutes into the movie 

And maybe i did too

The only reason i wake up is cause my phone vibrates in my pocket. I open my eyes, disoriented about where i am. I wipe my mouth with my hand. My head was resting against the side rail. I pull my phone out and see it’s Gaia. I tip toe out of the room as to not wake up Lexa

“Hello?”

“Hey Clarke! Sorry to call you so late. Are you busy?”

“No what’s up?” I watch as nurses walk past me into rooms next to Lexa’s 

“I have an offer for your house. Above asking”

“That’s great and all but i still havent found somewhere to live”

“Which brings me to my next point! There’s a house i wanna show you on Cedar lane. I think you’ll really like it. You free tomorrow?”

“Yes. Come by around 11?”

“I’ll be there. Have a good rest of your night Clarke” she hangs up and that was a lot of information for someone who just woke up from a nap. Before i go back in, a nurse stops me with a pillow and blanket in her hand

“Were you staying the night ma’am?” 

“Oh..uhh no i wasnt”

“Sorry i peaked in earlier and both of you were asleep. I wanted to bring this in for you”

“Thank you. I’ll see if Lexa needs it” i smile and she walks away. When i enter the room again, Lexa’s looking around and rubbing her eyes like she just woke up

“Hey” she smiles that sleepy smile and i try not to melt but it’s impossible when that warm gaze roams over my still figure 

“I thought you left” her voice is hoarse but god does it do something to me that i cant say out loud

“No i got a call from my realtor and i didnt wanna wake you so i stepped outside” 

“Anything exciting?” 

“Someone wants to buy my house and she has another place for me to look at. We’ll talk more about it tomorrow” 

“Ooh that is exciting news”

“It is..finally ready to have a place not tainted by my ex-husband” i say and she smiles then looks at the stuff in my hands 

“Ummm were you…” She gestures at the pillow and blanket

“Oh..OH god no…well the nurse asked if i was staying the night and i said no but I’d check if you wanted these” I place them on her bed

“It’d probably inappropriate for me to stay the night” i awkwardly laugh and she nervously rubs her neck

“Like yeah..no i wouldnt..”

 Yeah lets make this worse

“I did fall asleep though. Only woke up cause of the phone call. That recliner ..very comfortable” 

Yup keep going

“Anya disagrees” she says and there’s something in the way she tilts her head to the side. She’s curious. Apprehensive. Cautious. I can tell theres a lot she wants to say that’s on the tip of her tongue but she’s resisting. Hesitating. Lexa’s never been much of a talker though. Some things don’t change 

“Well I- -“

The door opens and hits me in the ass. Lexa automatically straightens up in bed when she steps in

“Oh shit. Sorry Clarke i didnt know you were in here”

“I was just leaving” I glance at Lexa who’s now avoiding all eye contact with me

“Anya said she hasnt eaten so i brought them food earlier” Sort of a white lie. Lexa is the one who told me she hasnt eaten

“Well i was texting her if she wanted me to bring her food but she wasnt answering” she walks up to her to give her a kiss on the cheek and i have to look away

“Sorry my phone is charging over there” she points behind the bed to the dresser 

 I watch as Lexa smiles at her. No it doesnt reach her eyes but she looks up at her like shes the only girl in this room and it actually pains me to see. Luna brushes her hand through those brunette tresses and there goes another bullet in my heart cause Lexa actually presses into her hand. It almost feels like im witnessing something intimate. Like im not supposed to see this right now. Not the third wheel but a completely unnecessary cog that no one would notice is missing, i scramble to make my exit  

“Im gonna go” I blurt out

“Thanks for the food again Clarke” Lexa doesnt look at me. I wait a second enduring the pain of seeing the happy couple and hoping lexa looks back at me just one more time. Luna lowers down the side rail and invites herself underneath the blanket to cuddle with her and yeah…i cant be in here anymore

“Bye guys” 

I basically run to my car. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. No i cant do that again. And by that i mean spend that long with Lexa alone in a room. She has a goddamn girlfriend. One she really likes and i cant fuck this up for her. Luna is sweet and clearly cares about Lexa. Our time has passed. History. That’s all it is. History and i have to accept that. I press my head against the steering wheel and take a few deep breaths. I think about calling Raven until my phone rings with a FaceTime. I answer and it’s dark, she can barely see me but my god is it nice to see her

“Clarke?? Why is it so dark”

“Hey Niy. Sorry im in my car”

“You about to head home?”

“Yes”

“You lose track of time painting again?” She giggles 

“No actually..lexa’s in the hospital with pneumonia and i went to visit” 

I havent really talked to Niylah since i left. A text here and there but this is the first FaceTime call we’ve had since I’ve landed mainly because of the terrible time difference. 

“What?!”

“Yeah she’s been there for a few days”

“Is she okay?”

“She’s better. She should be going home soon” thank goodness it’s dark because Niylah doesnt notice the frustration written all over my face 

“That’s good. Are you okay?” She asks 

“Yeah i wanted to call you but every time im awake, you’re asleep”  i say and she takes a sip of her wine 

“God I know this time difference sucks…”

“Which is whyyyyy” she puts the phone down for a second then switches the camera view to her lap top. When the picture clears, i nearly scream

“Oh my god you booked a flight?! You’re coming to visit????!” 

“Is that okay? I wanted to talk to you about it first but i kinda wanted it to be a surprise”

“Of course it’s okay! Im so excited!! When?”

“Three weeks from now”

“Yay! I miss you so much Niy”

“I miss you too” she’s a little tipsy i can tell. I wish i was drinking wine with her right now

“You should know im selling my house and getting another one so i didnt unpack anything. Dont judge me”

“You’re warning me that it’s a mess then?”

“Yes i am”

“It’s fine. I do sort of miss your clutter”

“You’ll regret saying that once you step inside my house” she laughs 

“Im sure i will, but im about to head to bed. Getting wine drunk by myself isnt as fun without you”

“Dont worry ill make sure im fully stocked by the time you get here” 

“You better. Bye love”

“Bye”

That brightened up my mood. Having Niylah with me wont make me feel soo..lonely. I know it’s stupid but it’s a different type of lonely im feeling here. Im surrounded by couples. Raven and Anya. Lexa and Luna. Lincoln and Octavia. Even Murphy is engaged. So having Niylah with me will make me feel better. I know she wont be here forever but still. Its familiar. She’s fun. It’ll keep my mind off..everything

The next day Gaia comes over and she tells me the details of the couple wanting to buy my place. I mean their offer is..generous. It’s hard to say no to. Why would i say no? I guess this is all getting a bit too real. Im actually making a huge change after i just made a ..huge change. Moving and moving. Why do i keep doing this to myself? Not able to sit still and just enjoy, i cant stop making these big decisions. Is there something im missing? Something im searching for that I havent found yet? The answer is definitely yes but i couldn’t tell you what it is. Will living in a different house help with that missing void? Who knows but i can try

“Clarke you okay?”

“Yeah..yes im okay. It’s just a lot”

“You dont have to do anything though. I’ll take care of it” She says and thank goodness

“I know you’re the best”

“Well you do have to write a check for the house you want” she laughs and I playfully roll my eyes

“Obviously Gaia”

“You wanna check it out?”

“Might as well or I’ll be homeless if i say yes to this offer” 

“Come on..I’ll drive” 

She takes me to a community I’ve driven past before. These houses are..huge. And i remember telling Gaia i didnt want anything ginormous. That is until she takes me to a cozy neighborhood away from the mansions. One story and still extravagant but not ostentatiously so. Theres a fountain in the center of the roundabout driveway. The garage is three car. Then she takes me inside and..wow. So much light coming from the backyard because of the floor to ceiling windows. The backyard is huge. Turf so the maintenance is low. And i have an amazing view of the city because we’re higher up. Reminds me of Paris a little bit…how me and Niylah would stare off while we were on the veranda. The kitchen is pristine. The living room is spacey. Open concept. She takes me to the master bedroom and it’s connected to the master bath which comes with a large bathtub for the days i want to unwind with a book and bath bomb.

“I wanted to show you the office” she pulls me out of the bedroom into the room across from it. Against the wall is a Murphy bed so when it’s not in use, i can use this as a studio. I mean there’s other bedrooms that can be used as guest rooms. The floor is..epoxy? Which makes for easy clean up. Something is different though. This is an office but there’s no desk. Cubbies and towels hung up by the window. The walls are decorated with different styled art. The closet has canvases and art supplies. 

“The owner is an artist too, Clarke. I mean he doesnt do it professionally but that’s why this office looks like this” 

The walls are covered in what i thought were paintings the owner bought but no..they’re his. Along with photos im assuming he’s taken. It’s amazing

“Wow”

“Yeah he’s a big traveler so he doesnt really stay here anymore. That’s why he’s selling”

“I see”

“He’s gonna be in Germany for the next three months. Something about a girlfriend over there. If all goes well, he’ll move there”

“Geez that’s intense”

“The things you do for love” she shrugs 

“So what do you think” she asks as i take one more tour around the house. It’s really everything i want.

“God..i…i fucking love it”

“I knew you would” she places a hand on my shoulder

“I’ll give you a minute. Im gonna make a phone call real quick” i watch as she enters the backyard with the phone up to her ear

My shoes echo as i walk around to the kitchen. I may actually take up a cooking class so i can spend more time in here. I take a gander at the three other guest bedrooms and they’re a reasonable size. I walk back into the office and take a look out the window. I can see the other houses, the way their lawns are maintained. A few kids riding on bikes. It’s a nice neighborhood for sure

“Clarke? I just spoke with the owner. He’s sort of on a time crunch so he wants to sell as soon as possible”

“What do you think?”

“Im thinking…you accept the offer on my house and i’ll put an offer on this one” i say and she jumps on me in excitement. She drags me over to the fridge to pull out a bottle of champagne

“Wait did you know I’d say yes to this?!”

“Im good at my job what can i say?”

She pops the bottle and it feels good to know this will be an actual fresh start for me. New house. New neighborhood. It’s gonna be a hectic few weeks but im not worried about that. I have Harper, raven, and im sure Anya wont mind moving the boxes she just moved into my soon to be old house. Actually she will definitely mind but i dont care

God this is surreal

But i need it 

A house warming party is in the future 

Chapter Text

“Get me the fuck out of here”

“Can you relax? You havent even gotten your discharge paperwork yet”

“I dont care i want to leave”

“Lexa! Stop moving! We still need your prescriptions Jesus. That’s the whole damn reason you had to stay an extra few days”

“Luna i cant be here for another second. I’ll lose my mind”

“You’re already losing your mind!”

“Oh my fucking god if you were just gonna come here to fight with me then you can just go. I’ll call O or Anya to help me”

“Lexa im not fucking fighting with you. The nurse said she’ll be right- - “

The door opens and there she is..my nurse with my folder of paperwork. Im sure she could hear the arguing outside the door. Her stiff demeanor telling me she was dreading coming back in here 

“Back” Luna finishes

“You two okay?”

“Yeah. She’s just ready to leave” Luna rolls her eyes and god do i feel claustrophobic. I dont care what im signing. It could be my life away as long as i get out of this damn hospital. I was ready to leave days ago. How long does it take fucking bacteria to grow in its stupid Petri dish? All for goddamn antibiotics. Like it’s so fucking stupid. Technology hasn’t come that far if we just have to sit on our asses bored waiting for these microbes to decide on what kills them. Im sure I could’ve just drank a shit ton of vitamin C and it do the trick. I didnt have to wait here watching the same TV shows, same movies, eating the same shitty food everyday

“Yeah i am ready to go” I know im being an asshole but i dont care. Patience is my least favorite virtue and i dont have any left in me. Luna has been..getting on my nerves. She’s been here the last two days..never leaving my side and i know i should be grateful but fuck. I couldnt stand how she wouldnt give me 5 minutes of quiet. Asking me every 5 minutes how im feeling. Talking to the nurses like she’s my mother. Telling me to relax. No one that has ever been told to relax has ever relaxed before i can tell you that much 

“Let me get a wheelchair” the nurse says

“NO… i can walk” im sure it’ll take another 30 minutes to find a wheelchair and that’s time i just dont have 

“It’s right out here- -”

“Did someone say wheelchair?” Dr Griffin walks in and behind her is none other than her godsend of a daughter sauntering through with her magnificent blue eyes and golden halo of hair. My mood immediately shifts seeing the two women that’s made this hospital stay tolerable. I sit down, my sour mood …sweetening once Clarke waves at me

“She all set with her discharge paperwork?”  Abby looks down at the sweating nurse I’ve treated terribly. The nurse looks relieved that I’ve actually calmed down. She nods and that’s when i stop her before she leaves

“Im sorry Callie. Im just antsy” i apologize and she smiles

“I know it’s okay. You guys have a good day” she leaves the room to tend to other patients. Im sure ones nicer than me

“Excuse me, were you being rude to the staff?” Clarke raises an eyebrow at me and crosses her arms over her chest

“No”

“Yes” Luna says over me 

“Im glad you guys are here. I cant deal with her attitude any longer” she huffs as she grabs my belongings 

“I wasnt that bad” i mumble and Clarke gives me a look..one that says i better chill the fuck out and oh god. Im both terrified and ..aroused? Oh no. Not the second part. I shake it off and sit my ass on the wheelchair that Abby got for me. 

“You dont have to wheel me out Dr Griffin. Im sure you’re busy”

“Yeah it’s okay mom. I can do it” She grabs the handle bars and i swallow. I can smell her heavenly perfume from here. I look up and she’s talking to her mom but i cant even hear what she’s saying cause im so..entranced by her beauty. Dimple chin. Adorable smile. An angel taking me away from this hell hole. I ignore all the beeping, the chatter and alarms that crowd the hallway because Clarke is here. She’s here and saving me from another day of torture. Im so dramatic i know 

“So make sure you start your antibiotics today, lexa. And with food” Abby says and thats when Luna opens up my discharge folder

“Clarke i know this is asking a lot” Luna groans

“I have to drop off her scripts and wait for them to be ready. Can you maybe take her home? I wouldve asked anya to but she has a client in 10 minutes”

“Oh” she looks down at me and my eyes widen

“I dont wanna inconvenience- - “ i start to say

“Sure i can”  she answers and no fucking way. I dont know why i thought she’d say no but i definitely thought she’d say no. This isnt the type of friendship we have…we cant even call this a friendship. She’s done so much for me already. I cant fucking believe Luna would ask such a thing from her. I’d rather walk home

“You’re a lifesaver! Thanks!” She drops my bags on my lap and places a kiss to my cheek

“Lexa I’ll see you at home” She heads in a different direction than us. Im still trying to process that Clarke said yes to this. I cant believe this is happening right now 

“So ..shall we?” Clarke smiles and yeah this is a horrible horrible idea for her to be bringing me home. The only thing i can do is nod

“Thank you Dr Griffin” i wave before Clarke pushes me to her car

Im not disabled. I know im extremely capable of walking and also..jumping into her SUV. But i dont deny her hand when she helps me in. I dont do anything when she puts my seatbelt on . I dont say anything when she shuts my door. She puts her car in drive and gives me that glowing smile once again. If i didnt know any better I’d think im staring right at the sun. Call me Icarus, I’d fly right into a fiery death if i thought the sun was Clarke’s bright smile 

“You ready?” 

“Uh..yeah”

“Do you..still live in the same area?”

“Oh yeah..you remember how to get there?”

“How could i forget?” I sense something in her voice..sadness maybe? No im imagining it. But i see her looking straight ahead and gripping onto the steering wheel..taking these subtle deep breaths like something is eating away at her. She swallows and nibbles on her bottom lip

“You didn’t have to bring me home you know? I could’ve just gone with Luna to pick up my meds”

“But she was probably sick of me flipping out on her” i look out my window. I cant look at Clarke anymore. Every second I do, i feel my lungs working harder to pull more air in. She’s always had this effect on me and it’s only increased tenfold since her homecoming. How fucked up is that? All this distance, time apart and still… my heart beats for her. 

“You dont have to be mean. Shes just trying to help”

“I know” i sigh

“She was just..hovering”

“God forbid she cares about you” Clarke sounds frustrated and its my fault for sure

“I know..I’m sorry”

“Dont say sorry to me..say sorry to your girlfriend” she advises and i should. Hearing clarke call someone else my girlfriend does a number of things to me. One it’s a reminder that yes, im taken. Label or not, i still consider us exclusive. Two, it makes me nauseous. Here i am in the car with someone that was never my girlfriend yet she makes me feel how a girlfriend should make me feel. Excited, nervous, interested. Which brings me to my third point, guilty. Im getting used to her presence again. Yes i was surprised when she paid me one last visit with her mom before i got discharged but also…i wasnt surprised. If anything it would’ve been weird if she didnt come by. She was also able to calm me in a way luna wasnt able to. Clarke didnt even have to do anything. She just stood there in all her beautiful glory. And it shouldnt be this way. No one should have that effect on me besides Luna. During the beginning of our relationship, Luna did excite me. She was clever, persistent, funny and obviously pretty. And the months that followed, we’ve kept the spark alive. I can say i was happy. I mean i still am. And she is too. We’ve taken it day by day. Not taking anything serious other than..well me being sick. The issue is being in the hospital made me realize i wanted someone else by my side. 

And that’s so fucked up 

So i know what i need to do. I have to convince my stupid brain Clarke and I have tried before and it didnt work. I’ve moved on. Im with someone who matches me quite well. If i want her in my life, i need to friendzone her which means…i cant think she’s the most gorgeous human to walk this planet. I cant melt into a puddle of goo when i get a whiff of her scent. I cant get lost in those pretty blues whenever they looks my way. She has to be just another woman in my life whose company i dont loathe. 

“Yeah…i will” 

The rest of the drive we listen to the radio until Clarke gets a phone call. I see the name of a woman pop up. What the fuck is this that im feeling? No way im still jealous after all this time. So much for friendzoning her. 

“Gaia?”

“Hey you! I got all the paperwork ready for you to sign and the owner has his people moving all his stuff into u-hauls already. He was ready to get the hell out of there” 

“My goodness he moves fast”

“Told you” she laughs 

So this is the realtor. It has to be. But why do they sound so…friendly? No fucking way id talk to a realtor this way

“You can probably start moving in by the end of the week”

“Thank god. I keep tripping over my boxes”

“Want me to come over so you can go over all this mumbo jumbo?”

“Yeah we can have dinner. I’ll let you know when im home”

“I’ll bring the wine!”

“Sounds good. I’ll call you later” 

Okay i dont know anyone that has dinner and wine with the person selling their house. Seriously what is that. Why would Clarke agree to have a pretty intimate meal with this person? I bet there’s gonna be a candle in between them too. Clarke doesn’t cook so what on earth could she possibly be serving at her house? She’s gonna pick something up. Like a steak. Steak and red wine. That sounds like a date..with her damn realtor. And she sounds so…young? How did she pull this off. Honestly, she doesnt even sound like she’s experienced. Like mumbo jumbo? Who the fuck says that in a professional setting

“Lexa?”

“That’s your real estate agent?” I blurt out

“Yeah. Shes really cool. Made this whole process super easy” 

“Im..glad” i answer through gritted teeth. I catch myself biting down, the pain in my jaw telling me to unclench.

Friendzone remember? 

“So uh..where are you gonna be living?”

“Trishana. Its a quiet neighborhood close to my gallery”

“I know where that is” i know because I almost bought a place there way back when

“Nice area”

“Yeah it is. Gaia outdid herself” she beams and i dont even know this woman but i wanna rip her head off 

I dont even notice Clarke pulling up to my driveway. It’s not until she opens her door and closes it that the sound knocks me out of this rage i all of a sudden started feeling. I cant be mad she’s having dinner with another woman who may or may not be interested in her. But by the tone of her voice, this Gaia person is definitely interested in Clarke. Who wouldnt be? Clarke Griffin can get anyone she wants. I can imagine all the women in Europe that bowed at her feet..worshiped her like the queen she is. She probably had a ton of girlfriends…or boyfriends. I mean it’s Paris for Christ’s sake. I’ve seen pictures of her during the events she was in. Absolutely stunning in all the gowns she showed up in. I wouldnt be surprised if she had no paintings to show for and just stood in the middle of the spotlight as the center of attention. I imagine people just admiring her like the masterpiece she is. Looking but not daring to touch, they’d stand behind the rope and take pictures of her as she did nothing but pose and smile. Id bet the biddings started upwards of a million for five minutes of her time but who can put a price on a woman as divine and elegant as her?

So with that being said…knowing for damn sure that the entire continent probably swooned over her and her talent, it’s no surprise that this Gaia woman and everyone who crosses her path would try their luck with her

Dont think about it

You’ll just get more mad

She grabs my things from the back and i pull out my key to let her in. I watch as she takes in the place. Not much has changed since she’s been here last. Since we’ve..you know. She puts my bags on the couch and she looks around like she’s trying to find something different. I don’t interrupt her thought process. I can tell it’s overwhelming. She then ends up at my mantle above the fire place. She picks up a framed picture of luna and i

“Do you..two live together?” 

Shock..also pain in her voice as she asks the question. Like I betrayed her somehow. Weird. The tremble in her voice matching the one in her hands, i watch as she looks at the picture in her grasp. So maybe what im feeling isnt one-sided. But what do i do with this information? We’re both hurting but why? We never really talked about anything. The conversation we had at the bar was a bread crumb. Didnt give either of us closure. It was tense and uncomfortable and everyday since then we’ve just ignored whatever it is we’re feeling. So do we continue this unpleasant dance? This disconcerting waltz where we spin and step over every turbulent moment we have? How long can that last? We’re alone in my house right now. Just the two of us. We can bring up the past. Be honest with each other once and for all

“No” 

She never told me the details of what happened before she left Paris. How she decided on leaving. Why she called me to tell me when we werent even talking. Why was it so important to leave that goddamn voicemail that i constantly hear in my head. We were done. Over with. Her choice to leave was so..abrupt..quick. Why tell me and leave me to think about her the whole time she was gone? Was that her way of making sure i never forget her? Well i can assure her that that would’ve never happened anyway. She was my first..love. Who can say they experienced their first love in their late 20s like i did? And it wrecked me. Allie did a fine job of helping me heal but it feels like i only put superglue over the cracks. With Clarke being in my space, i feel the adhesive tearing apart at the seams until im in pieces all over again. Is that her goal? Why she came back? But then again i didnt have to see her. I didnt have to show up at The Dropship the night she came back. That was on me. But the continual communication..that’s both of us? I cant blame that all on her..i mean i texted her first. Pretended that the texts prior to that didnt exist. But that was just so Anya would stop annoying her. This is the excuse i give myself

“Are you happy?” She asks. What a dangerous game she’s playing. Asking me questions that could kill both of us when we’re not in the safe haven of the hospital anymore. If i say yes, she gets hurt. If i say no, i’d be..lying. Cause i was happy with Luna..i mean i am happy with luna. Im just..im fucking confused is all

“I…” 

Just say it

You are happy

Luna is good for you

Dont make the same mistake twice

“Why?” Well that’s neither here nor there. What am i asking exactly? Why is she asking if im happy? Why did she leave? Why did she make me fall for her just so we could turn out to be nothing in the end? Why why why? 

“Why what?”

“Why…why are you here, Clarke?” The question catches her off guard. She grabs her elbows looking down at the floor and i havent seen her look this small since i saw her for the first time walking to her appointment with Allie. It almost breaks me. I want to hold her. Rub her back. Kiss her. She knows my weak spots. Goddammit she is my weak spot 

“Luna wanted me to drop you off” she answers like i wasnt there when she asked her to do that

“No…not that”

“Why come back to Polis..after all this time?”

“Did you not want me to?”

Strange thing to ask me because when has my opinion ever mattered? Theres a lot of things i want.  Or wanted. Like i wanted her to love me back and i know that’s a lot to ask for someone going through as much as she was. It wasnt fair to ask her to do that. The timing was wrong. The timing is still wrong so whatre we supposed to do? Wait until the clock stops ticking at a moment where we’re both single and not fucked up in the head? I could say she should’ve stayed in Paris. She seemed to be doing well over there. Yes, id watch her stories on instagram. I wasnt trying to keep tabs on her..it just happened that way. Then id hear Raven and Anya talking sometimes about her. They thought i was out of ear shot but i swear my ears are acutely attuned to her name being spoken out loud. So no matter where i was in the room, I’d hear their conversation. Clarke being successful. Her paintings be sold. Everyone in Europe loving her. Then I’d hear about..Niylah. God id try to ignore everything that was being said about that woman but I couldn’t help myself. Id try to find out if they were dating. Sleeping together. I never got any conclusive answers to either. I dont think i would’ve been able to handle it anyway

“You didn’t answer any of my calls before i left” she says when im stuck in thought

“Would it have me a difference?” I dont know why i ask this. Im not the type of person to give ultimatums. Like there was no way i was gonna ask her to choose me over her job. And what if she did say she loved me back? What if we enjoyed the ten minutes we had before she got that call about the opportunity in Paris? Wouldnt that have made this all hurt worse? If finally we solidified what we had with a relationship and exclusivity just to have her feel torn between me and her career? So in a way, it..worked out? This is my brain trying to compensate for us not ending up together. 

“Yes” she answers as she steps closer to me. Bold move especially when i dont step back or do anything to create distance. I wish she lied. Tell me that she would’ve chosen Paris regardless but no. Clarke has always been honest with me. Another reason i admire her. Ugh.

“I tried so hard to get you to talk to me but it was so easy for you to just let me go- -“

“Easy?” I press my eyebrows together

“Nothing about the way we ended was easy”

“There was nothing ever easy between us”

“God Clarke..easy? Are you serious?”

The harder i breathe, the closer my chest is to hers. I can practically feel her racing heart pound against mine as i stare her down. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like i was submerged under water. Especially since i havent been to the beach in years. The salt from the ocean akin to the tears in my eyes i attempt to hold back, she has to know what looking straight at me does by now. Breathless. Anoxic. Stinging. Maybe my lips match her shade of blue by how long I’ve been holding my breath. I dont know what im waiting for. What it is i want from this conversation. All i know is pain hits me like a wave gone rogue. 

“It’s easy with Luna though isnt it” she says just a little bit louder than a whisper and my shoulders drop

“It shouldnt be hard to be with someone” Clarke swallows

“Maybe thats why we never worked out” she inhales and takes a step back

“I had nothing in polis. There was no reason for me to stay. Thats why I left”

What if i gave her a reason? Me? Would i have been good enough? Doubt it. I wasn’t enough for her to love me so why would i be good enough for her to choose me over the opportunity of a lifetime?

“And now you’re back”

“Yeah..i am. I missed my mom. My friends..”

The ‘you’ lingers heavy in the air and I don’t wait for her to finish the sentence in case it never comes

“Yeah..right” I clear my throat and she shakes her head

“I dont want to ruin things for you again Lexa”

“What do you mean?”

“I like Luna..a lot. She’s good for you”

What on earth am i supposed to say to that?

“Maybe it was too soon for us to see each other again”

Too soon? It’s been over 365 days. How much longer do we need to go with no contact? Another year? Two? A decade? Is that how long it’ll take before we both get over these residual feelings we have? 

“I want you in my life..i really do but not at the cost of ruining something in yours”

Shes making a decision for me. Kicking me out when i just stepped through the threshold. That’s not fucking fair 

“Whatre you talking about Clarke” i scoff

“I see it in your eyes”

“See what?”

“The same thing you see in mine” no longer blue but overtaken by those dilated pupils that suck me in when she doesnt falter. Im paralyzed. Knees no longer strong enough to keep me standing, i reach for the arm rest of the couch to keep me up. They sparkle like the night sky, stars attempting to align but not getting there cause it’s just not in the cards for us. Something i could only wish upon, i have to accept that i cant just keep letting go of people because Clarke is here ..in front of my face..with her scintillating gaze, mesmerizing smile and porcelain skin. That contagious laugh. Her kind heart. Electric touch. None of that matters. Im happy with luna. Im happy with luna. Im happy with luna. I will continue writing it over and over again on the chalkboard in my mind until it sticks 

“So what? We go without speaking again?” 

“I…im not over you Lexa. You have to understand that even just standing here in the middle of your living room with pictures of you and Luna around us just..hurts. It’s not right for me to feel this way for someone in a relationship” 

“But- -“

”Lexa” she could see how i was about to fight her on this. She grabs my hands, her grip strong like my feelings for her. She stops me from saying something I’ll regret. Or worse..doing something i’ll regret

”This is the right thing to do”

”i want to be friends. But friends dont hurt each other the way we have”

None of it was intentional by any means..well except showing up at the bar when i knew she was having a homecoming party. That i knew would hurt. But i choose to endure the pain if it means being in her vicinity. Like right now..this sucks. This conversation..horrible cause it feels like a goddamn breakup again and it’s not. It’s Clarke asking for space..time..when we’ve literally had both but apparently it wasnt enough. So what do we do when we’ve already gone through extreme measures to get over each other. She literally crossed oceans to be away from me yet the feelings followed. Caught the red-eye and stuck with her until she came back. And im not better..staying in a city where everywhere i turned, i saw a glimpse of her. This war between should, shouldnt and should’ve is never-ending. Or it felt that way anyway. Cause here clarke is now waving the white flag 

”i..i dont want to hurt you” I murmur and she nods, smiling the pain away as she cups my cheek. Her skin against me ignites that fire in us that we both tried to snuff out. But it’s still there..forever burning. Lighting this path to nowhere. Shes right and i hate that. We have to get over..this. Once and for all 

“Then let’s take some time apart okay?”

”…okay” 

It’s not okay..but it has to be

Chapter Text

Why did I do this to myself? No seriously why. I just dealt with one move and now im dealing with another. This is all self-inflicted mind you. I really didnt have to buy another house. Not when I literally just moved back to Polis. But I did. And now Im reaping in my consequences of making such a haste decision. Because I didnt realize I had so much shit..so much. Including what I brought back from Paris, I didnt realize all the crap that was in the garage. I swore Finn took mostly everything in there. And I thought I threw a lot of it away when I attempted to redecorate. But I forgot about the hidden closet..aka the junk closet. People usually have a drawer in their kitchen they stash all these unnecessary miscellaneous things. But no..I had an entire closet and garage of crap I had to pack and drive over to the new house. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve finalized the deal and it was exciting at first. A celebration of starting anew and being in a house not haunted by pain. That excitement lasted for about…two days. When I stepped into my new home, bare and stripped of everything from the former owner, reality struck. I have to move all my crap into here

“Lord take the fucking wheel” Raven heaves as she pushes a massive box of books inside 

“This is bullshit Griffin. Absolute bullshit” Anya says behind her girlfriend

“Im sorry okay!”

”I literally just brought all these damn boxes inside your old house and now you’re making us do this..again” Anya’s sweating as she pulls a water bottle out of the fridge

”You could’ve hired people to do this you know?”

”Why when I have you guys” I give them both my cheeky smile that neither appreciate

“Where do you want this Clarke?” Lincoln..the strongest of them all walks in with a box on each shoulder and Octavia in tow..carrying one lamp

”Just set it down here please” I point at an empty corner 

“We need like..ten more Lincolns” Raven lays on the floor like shes creating a snow angel

”Well if you know any then I’d appreciate the help” 

“Sorry my Lincoln is one of a kind” Octavia kisses him on the cheek and I smile. Relationship goals honestly 

“How much more?” Anya leans her back against the wall

”One..”

”More u-haul” i finish and I’ve never seen so many eyes glare at me before 

“Would you guys feel better if I ordered pizza?” I pick up my phone 

“You better put every damn topping there is on it” Anya warns and I cant even argue. 

“There’s also beer in the fridge” I tell them and watch as they crowd my kitchen. 

I step outside into my backyard to make the call. I order three boxes. God knows Lincoln could probably devour two of these by himself. I gaze out at the sun low in the sky. Beautiful view. A big reason why I chose this house. The weather is getting warmer. By warmer I mean, it doesnt feel like my tits are gonna freeze off anymore. A hoodie and some thermal joggers do just fine as I admire the sunset and cold breeze

”Here” Raven appears next to me with an open beer

”Thanks”

“Where’s everyone else?”

”Playing with your light switches and hooking up your Alexa so they can play music”

”You guys are the best” I chuckle as we both lean over the railing. It’s so quiet even with all the wildlife out here. The trees whistle, the birds chirp, yet all I can hear all my thoughts that havent stopped running since my conversation with Lexa

It’s been weeks now. Should feel minuscule compared to the year we spent not talking but it’s so much worse because we’re a few miles from each other. An ocean doesnt separate us. Only a couple streets. If anything Im actually closer to her now that I’ve moved. So at any moment I can run into her technically. I dont know how that makes me feel. All I’ve done lately is work and go back and forth from my old house to this one so i havent had the chance to really explore the area. I mean I know what’s around. But I havent tried the restaurants. Or gone to the grocery store close by. I’ll do all that once I get settled in 

“So Lexa’s been spending all her time with Luna lately”

Was that my heart cracking or did someone break something inside

”Good for them”

”No I mean..Anya and I have barely seen them since she’s been out of the hospital. Well Anya has of course..at work but we used to have dinner together at least once a week”

I gulp. What does this have to do with me?

“She has an excuse almost every time we ask now. Like her and Luna have plans. Or she’s going out of town that weekend. Blahblahblah”

”Is it so bad that she and Luna are hanging out more? I mean she was just in the hospital”

”No..I suppose not..but her attitude is very reminiscent of when you left to Paris”

”what’s that supposed to mean?”

”She was very avoidant Clarke. Wouldnt talk to Anya, O or Lincoln. Not me. I know you two spent a lot of time together while she was sick- -“

”I visited her like..twice” 

“Then brought her home right? Luna couldnt so you did?”

Fuck. 

“What happened?”

”Nothing” 

“Cut the shit Clarke” 

Dammit. Leave it to Raven to know when Im lying every single time 

“We talked okay? That’s it”

”And?”

” I.. I pretty much told her I still have feelings for her and we needed to give each other some space”

”Oh geez” Raven takes a big gulp of her beer 

“Yeah I know” 

“After all this time - -“

”Can you blame me?” 

“I mean no..you two just give me a migraine” Raven gives me a soft nudge

”It sucks to see her with someone else. I saw their pictures together and.. it sucked” 

“I did try to warn you before you flew back” 

“You did. But.. it’s lexa” I mumble quietly as if Raven is supposed to know what that means 

“I know Clarke .. I know” she throws an arm over my shoulder and sighs 

“Are you ready to date again?” 

Am I? I should get back out there. It would definitely get my mind off Lexa. I’ve opened up Pandora’s box, I could literally date women and not feel weird about it. I have… experience now. So I should like.. do this 

“I think so”

”What about Gaia?”

Gaia is great. Every time we’re around each other, we talk like we’ve been friends forever. I’m so comfortable around her. When we went over all the paperwork at my house, she actually ended up staying way past midnight. We had a lot of wine. I told her to crash on my couch because it was so late. Nothing happened. I mean something definitely.. could’ve. But a voice on my head was stopping me. One that was smooth, tranquil. I laid in my bed, eyes closed and imagined that half-smile. Waves of brunette locks engulfed me and i felt…safe. Green eyes gazed at me and i felt seen. Warm hands touched me and i felt loved. I woke up that morning and Gaia was gone. She did text me she had to go early and just didnt wanna wake me but i havent talked to her since  

“Shes cool”

”And??” 

“I don’t know”

”You should ask her out”

“You think so?”

”Yeah.. OR invite her to your house warming party!”

Thats.. actually not a terrible idea

”Well in order for me to have a house warming, I need to get all this shit situated first” 

We’re interrupted by the doorbell ringing and Anya’s loud voice 

“CLARKE! MONEY!” I hear Anya yell and I roll my eyes 

“I remember the good old days when she hated me” I tell Raven 

“Oh shut up. You wouldn’t have it any other way”

“I guess you’re right” 

After I pay for the pizza, I realize there’s nowhere to sit. I look outside at the U-Haul and realize that’s where my couch is. I look straight at Lincoln who then looks at Anya for help

”Are you kidding?”

”We can’t eat standing!” Octavia whines 

“I’m perfectly fine with the floor” Anya scoffs

”You? You’re literally slenderman. There’s no way you’d be okay hunched over like that” Octavia quips and I try to hide my laughter 

“Come on. You two grab the couch and Ray and I will get the table” 

“I’m starting to think this was not worth beer and pizza” Anya complains but she’s headed out the door anyway 

This is nice. Having friends who help even if they hate it. I know it’s cause of Raven and Anya’s relationship that my circle has grown and I can’t complain except… it feels like someone is missing. A green eyed brunette who apparently took my advice to heart and is living it up with her girlfriend. I mean it shouldn’t upset me. I literally told her we couldn’t be together and Luna is good for her. A part of me believes I should’ve fought for her. That I should have told her being away made me realize just how much she means to me. I’ve just never been much of a fighter and maybe that’s my problem. I’ve always been so passive. I just let everyone go and now I’m alone. I look at Lincoln and Octavia. Been together forever but so obviously still in love. Then there’s Raven and Anya. Both have such strong personalities but they mesh so well together. And Luna and Lexa. A few months together and they seemed to be doing well until.. I came around. God am I just a goddamn nuisance? Should I have stayed in Paris? Everyone was doing fine while I was gone and now here I am using my friends as slaves and ruining another - -

“Clarke?!” Raven shakes me

”Geez are you drunk?” Anya smirks 

“What? No .. I was just thinking” 

“About?”

”just like.. everything”

”Are you about to get emotional cause that’s gonna be my cue to leave” Anya stands from couch 

“No.. just thanks for your help guys I really appreciate it” 

“I’m easily swayed by food and alcohol” Lincoln pats his stomach 

“We should go anyway. Early clients in the morning” Octavia yawns 

“We can help organize things tomorrow after work” She offers and man I can tear up at the offer. Maybe I am drunk 

“I’ll let you guys know if I need help”

”Cool thanks for the pizza Clarke!” Lincoln and Octavia jump into their car while Anya and Raven surprisingly stay behind 

“You guys not leaving?” I ask suspiciously. Raven picks at the crust of the pizza on her plate while Anya taps the side of her beer bottle  

“Anya wants to talk to you”

”About?”

”Why my best friend is moping” She answers and I really dont wanna have this conversation right now 

“What do you mean moping?”

“Just at work.. she’s so.. focused”

”And that’s a bad thing how?”

”Dont make me say it” she groans 

“What’s going on???” 

“Look.. when you visited her at the hospital, yeah she looked like shit but she was I don’t know.. happy. Haven’t seen her look that way in a while”

”What do you mean? You told me she happy with Luna”

“I thought that until you came home” 

”She’s comfortable with Luna. And don’t get me wrong. She’s great. But there’s a difference. With how she looks at you and well… everyone else in this world”

”Anya I can’t keep doing this” I shake my head 

“Doing what?” 

“Interfering. This is like costia all over again” I tell her and she clenches her jaw at the mentioning of her cousin 

“It’s different” she murmurs 

“How?”

Anya pauses..debating on whether she wants to continue this conversation and im begging she doesnt because knowing Lexa’s best friend sort of approves of me kind of hurts. And seeing how well I actually fit into her group of friends makes it worse. The thing is so does Luna. They all like her it seems but Anya..she’s bringing up these unresolved feelings for what?

Anya mumbles something I cant quite make out. Its too low and fast for me to hear

“Huh?”

“I think you’re a better match for Lexa GEEZ” 

Silence

”Never thought id hear you say that” this could easily bring a tear to my eye

”Shut up..it’s just..i dont really see Luna and Lexa long term. They had a weird conversation about their relationship not that long ago and Luna couldn’t even really call them girlfriends”

“I mean…It’s still early in their relationship, Anya”

”Lexa literally told you she loved you after what? A month or two?”

My skin tingles with the reminder. That night was so emotionally taxing, just thinking about it is draining me. It was a do or die situation. I was in the freezing cold. Finn cornering me. Lexa saving me. Both telling me they love me and I had just gotten over showing the world im still the artist I worked so hard to be. I wanted to return Lexa’s affection so bad. I felt it creeping under my skin ready to burst but the war between head and heart was too apparent. I wasnt ready. I had to be logical, smart about my choices. I couldnt be the people pleaser I usually I am  

“That’s… what do you want me to say to that” 

“Don’t cut her off” Anya says with conviction 

“I didn’t cut her off.. I wanted space to clear my head” 

“And is it clear now” she knocks on my forehead 

“No! It’s cloudier than ever” 

“Listen Clarke.. if you want something in this life you have to fight for it instead of waiting on the sidelines. If you’re so willing to let lexa be with everyone besides the person she actually wants then so be it. But I don’t wanna see you crying at her wedding cause you’re not the bride” 

Damn 

I watch as she takes Raven‘s hand and pulls her to the door

”Food for thought.. friend” Anya winks and just when I was deciding on trying out the whole dating scene, Anya had to go and put this in my head 

“Night Clarkey” Raven blows me a kiss and I watch as they pull out of my driveway  

Good news, the first piece of furniture I put in here was my bed

Bad news, it doesn’t quite feel like home yet. I don’t feel like I’m gonna get much sleep

I did anticipate this though. While everyone was putting my kitchen together, I set off on my own mission to fix up the office aka my new home art studio. It’s not as big as the one in my old home but the lighting is better. The windows are bigger. But tonight I’m gonna do something different. Instead of turning all the lights on, Im gonna use the moon and stars as my guide to help me create something new. I light one candle and place it on the desk and of course.. turn my music on. Nothing crazy. Mellow. I spread the curtains wide and peak outside for a second. It really is a nice night. The houses here are very spread apart so each person has a large front yard. The shrubbery and flowers that line the sidewalks are well maintained. Honestly it looks too perfect of an area to live. There’s a part of me that feels like I don’t belong. Like I’m too chaotic for this neighborhood. So dead center in the middle of this canvas I throw in red. The color of blood. Arguably blood is darker..more maroon. So these are the colors I dare to incorporate. Black white and grey surrounds it. Dab after dab, sweep after flick, I paint without even having an outline of what I want. I don’t do that very often. Only when I’m sure about my vision. Funny thing is I’m not sure. I don’t know what this is. All I know is it’s a feeling. An emotion im conveying in front of me. Teeth, lips, eyes scatter the background. So faint when the red is bright.. contrasting. In the darkness, the color illuminates the room like I’m in a dark room where pictures are developed. And it’s not actually doing that but in a way it is because I see things clearer now. Like they’re appearing right before my eyes. But I throw some white in.. like a flash on a camera. More and more around the red. To be noticed is to be different. So what if I was pretending to blend in like I did in Paris, I want to make myself known now. Amongst a crowd of people, I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to just let life pass me by. Anya’s advice rings loud in my mind. Should I let her go? Or fight for what I want? Funny how Anya would not have given me that advice this time last year. I’m already making a mess of this room and I’ve only been officially living here for like 6 hrs. I take a step back. Revel in this painting that’s as wild as my brain. It’s a good start. It’s easier for me to paint how I feel than actually speak upon it. Unfortunately not everyone will interpret my work the same so I can’t just throw a canvas at someone and tell them this is how I feel today. Doing it this way is just a release since I don’t see Allie anymore 

I wonder how she’s doing 

I wonder if Lexa still sees her once a week on Monday 

You still remember her appointment time? Pathetic 

Yeah thanks brain 

There’s a lot of things I wish I can forget. Like the hot pink lettering on Lexa’s motorcycle. Or her nervous mannerisms where she rubs her neck and clenches her jaw. I know the way her hair parts. Even how big her steps are when she walks. What’s wrong with me? 

oh yeah you’ve been in love with the woman you left behind that’s what 

Funny how I wasn’t ready to admit that before. Lexa was so sure back then. She was the one that was ready when the entire beginning of our relationship was complicated by her noncommittal attitude. And also the fact that she was dating Anya’s cousin. So what do I do now that I want her but she’s with someone else again? Yes I see it in her eyes that she still feels something for me. She still cares. But I don’t dare assume it’s the same love that she had for me back then. How shitty is it that I’m in her shoes now and I told her to keep trying with Luna. I truly am a fool letting her go like this. Deciding for her that Luna is a better match. 

I don’t wanna see you crying at her wedding cause you’re not the bride

Goddammit Anya 

I wash my hands of the paint. It’s almost 2am now and I’ve exhausted myself. Maybe I can sleep now

A few days pass and my place is really coming together. It helps when you have money and can literally buy whatever you want without blinking an eye. The issue is of course assembling furtniture and getting them into my house. But then again, that’s what money is for. Paying people to do that for you. My living room is pretty much complete. A large TV and L-shaped couch in the middle, my mahogany coffee table in between. My kitchen has to be one of my favorite places because of the stone countertop and open shelving. I have a wine display that has only two bottles so far but I’ll be sure to add more. I can cook more too. Eggs and pancakes count right? My bedroom is the room that has the most boxes out still. This is actually the place I spend the least amount of time in. My dresser is sort of empty save for a few jeans. And my closet is a mess. Honestly this was supposed to be the easiest room to organize but I found myself wanting to be anywhere but here. It felt too..closed off from the world. I spend a lot of time in the loft..not watching TV or really doing anything. Just laying there and basking in the ambiance of this fresh start. I really should put my clothes away once and for all but my phone dings with a notification reminding me exactly what today is 

Niylah: why is this the longest flight of my life

Niylah: and I’ve been to Scotland and had three layovers

Clarke: cause time stops when you’re missing me

Niylah: You’re so annoying 

Niylah: but yes I do miss you 

I sit up from my bed, excitement in my bones seeing that she’s finally on her way to see me. I have about two hours until she lands and I have her guest room set up before my own. I think she’ll appreciate that. In the middle of us texting, Raven reminds me of the housewarming party I promised her. 

Maybe i can have it while Niylah is here 

She’s here for two weeks. I think that sounds like a plan

Clarke: this weekend? I think I’ll have all my trash out by then 

Raven: let me check my calendar…YEAH IM FREE

Clarke: I’m picking Niylah up from the airport soon

Raven: perfect. She’ll enjoy a good party

Im not gonna lie..having Niylah here will help me feel less out of place. With all the couples around me all the time, I kind of just felt like the third wheel..or fifth wheel..sometimes seventh and now I wont. I pick myself up and get ready. I‘ll take her out to a nice dinner tonight. One thing I do miss about Paris? The food. You may think the portions are small but it’s the quality that I appreciated. It was like eating at a five star restaurant almost every time we went out. Which means I need to find a place suitable for Niylah in our small city. She’s traveled far and wide. Had the best of the best. Not that Im trying to impress the woman but she is flying all the way out here to hang out with me and we’ve only been separated for about a month. I wont lie, I enjoy Niylah’s company. I love her in my space. Being here only affirmed how much I really liked living with her. You ever think of someone as your platonic soulmate? Thats kind of what she is to me. Dont get me wrong, Raven is also in that category. But she’s my sister. Never thought of us as not blood-related. Im one of the lucky ones to have found people that connect with me on such a deep level. 

And what about Lexa?

You also connected with her on a deep level

What tier does she fall under?

Shut the hell up brain. I cant even think about how I would categorize Lexa because she’s on a level that cant be reached. The greatest inconvenience in life is time. It has to be. Everything we do is dictated on it. If you’re free…if Im free. When will something happen? How long it will take? Past, present, future. You either wait for the person you want or move on….with time. I swear Allie would tell me to take matters into my own hands. Fuck the minutes, hours, days. But that would involve someone getting hurt and the people pleaser in me would rather I be the one in pain than someone else. I know that’s stupid. I cant live my life like that. I guess my self-worth is in question as well. Because am I worth the sacrifice? Am I worth someone’s..time? 

Well way to dampen your mood before Niylah gets here

I cant wait to have a glass of wine 

Niylah: Landed:)

Niylah:  I cant believe i get to see that pretty face soon

Always knowing how to charm a woman, I blush when I read it. I finish my make up and throw on jeans and a jacket then head out of the door. The drive to the airport is quick..mainly because my mind is preoccupied with the party I agreed to throw this weekend. With all the stress and chaos of moving, I deserve to unwind with my friends though. A special thank you to them that helped me with literally..all the heavy lifting, they deserve to get drunk at my house more than I do.   

I impatiently wait for my friend to make an appearance. I can imagine her coming through with her thigh high heeled boots, long cardigan and black sunglasses. She’ll probably have someone wheeling her luggage for her cause god forbid she roll it herself. And she wouldnt ask someone to do it. Men would offer for no reason other than because they want to

Amidst the background noise of the busy gate, I hear someone arguing in french. I turn my head to see her in exactly what i thought she’d be wearing with the phone up to her ear while two men push her bags behind her. She flips her sunglasses up when she sees me. A smile on her face but irritation in her voice when she stands in front of me. I wait until she’s off the phone so I can throw my arms over her

“Eh bien, pourquoi m’ appelles-tu? (Well, why are you calling me?)”

“ Je veins d’atterrir et tu me fails mal a la tete (I just landed and you’re giving me a headache)” 

“Appealed Marcus, I’ll s’en occupiers ar revoiir (Call Marcus. He’ll deal with it. Goodbye)”

She hangs up and turns to the two men with her baggage. She takes out cash from her wallet and flashes her bright smile 

“Merci mes amours” she tips them and they leave us alone

”My goodness I missed you yelling at people in french” I tease

”Viens ici (come here)” She opens her arms up for me and I jump on her. She lifts me up and squeezes. You’d think we havent seen each other in years by how long we hug

”You look incredible as always” I tell her

”You do too, love. Now let’s go. I need to shower the plane off me”

I help her with her bags and lead her to my car. We talk about everything I’ve been missing since I’ve been back. Like how her poor assistant cant keep up with her busy schedule. In defense of her assistant though, Niylah is very much in demand. Rich people asking her to paint custom portraits for their living space. Then her supplying the gallery with her latest creations. Then there’s the interviews, the events, the sales. Niylah is a business woman first and foremost. It’s how she can afford her boho lifestyle. Going wherever whenever she pleases. With no care or worry about anything, Niylah just ups and leaves whenever she wants…which is a nightmare for an assistant. But a plus for me 

“Dammit Clarke. Last time I saw you I was surrounded by boxes. Here we are again..surrounded by even more boxes”

”Hey! It was way worse yesterday. You would’ve been swimming in cardboard”

”Besides..I was nice enough to keep your room clean” I bring her over to the guest across mine. A black dresser, queen sized bed. Pretty basic but I didnt really put much thought into what will go into these empty rooms

”How..couture”

”Shut Niylah. It’s what I had to work with! I only moved in a few weeks ago”

”I will admit, it’s a gorgeous house. Very open. A lot bigger than our flat” She walks to the kitchen and sits at my island. I pick up two bottles of wine and ask her to choose. She picks red. She always picks red

”I miss our space. It was cozy” I admit

“It’s soooo much cleaner without you in it though” she winks and I hand her a glass

”Oh hush you miss my mess” 

“More than anything” she admits 

“So we’re having dinner tonight”

“Ooooh where?”

”Surprise”

“That usually means you have nothing planned and we’re gonna wing it” 

“No! I mean..I havent been to this restaurant either but it’s five stars!”

”You know I dont care about that Clarke” she says and I laugh

”Okay fine..I care..a little..but Im just happy to be here. We could stay in tonight” she offers but no she flew all this way. We’re not staying in 

“Nope. We’re going out my friend. Now go shower” she finishes her glass and she gives me a kiss on both cheeks before heading to her bathroom to get ready 

The restaurant is called Kaisen. It’s Japanese. And I remember Niylah talking about how much she missed sushi while we lived together. One thing Paris didn’t have was good sushi. I know she’ll love this. And she’ll definitely love the sake bombs I plan on ordering for us

“Niylah our reservations are in 30 minutes!” I yell from my bedroom. I slip on a black dress and some heels. My beige Burberry trench is hanging in my closet and the last thing I put on before I find Niylah waiting for me in the kitchen

”How do i look?” I give her a spin and she laughs

”Exquisite as always, my dear” She wears a mink coat over black slacks and a white button up. She looks great especially for someone who was just on a long flight 

“You’re not tired?” I ask as I find my keys

”Nope. Im hungry though” 

“Perfect” 

On the drive there, she tells me of her latest painting. Reason a million about why our friendship is so great is because of our love for art. She asks my opinion on what colors she should include and how she should go about including certain aspects in her work. She always brings such vivid imagery to the canvas but always asks for help when it came to small technical things. Like shadows and lighting.

”Niylah no one will care if a finger is out of place in in the bottom right corner of this random bystander” 

“I do! I care!” She says as I park

”But no one will even notice it. Honestly it’s not even out of place” I have to zoom into 100x to even see this person’s hand. I hand her phone back 

“This will go unsold and it’ll ruin me” She dramatically pouts

”Oh my god” I grab her hand and pull her to the entrance 

“I forgot how much of a drama queen you are”

”Not everyone can create perfect master pieces like you, Clarke”

”Shut up Im anything but perfect. Besides. People love the imperfections. Reminds them that we’re human” I remind her when we walk to the podium 

“Reservation for Griffin”

”Ahh yeah. Miss Griffin. This way”

”Oh my god sushi. You know how much I’ve been craving sushi!” Niylah excitedly claps

”Which is exactly why I brought you here” I tug on her hand, us weaving through the restaurant as we walk behind the person leading us. It’s busy tonight. Really busy. And regardless of all the people, the heads sitting and talking, the waiters walking and serving, my eyes shift to one person and one person only. My heart stops. Everyone else is a blur. She sits there, hair over one shoulder, smile on her face and I have just now acquired the ability to read lips. Especially now that everything is moving in slow motion 

it’s okay we can share a roll

get two I dont care

I want another drink

In the middle of her looking for her server, she lifts her head and finds me. I pause. Niylah runs into me and I realize that we’re reached out table. 

Which just happens to be right behind theirs 

“Here you go ladies. Enjoy your meal” he places two menus on the table and Niylah thanks him. She pulls my chair out for me and I sit. With my brain still short circuiting, I only realize I’m sitting in the seat where Im making direct eye contact with Lexa over Niylah’s shoulder. She hasnt looked away. Her mouth has stopped moving. Only lips parting just slightly, I swallow my words when Niylah orders us two sake bombs to start the night 

Chapter Text

Sex was the one thing I was good at

The one thing that never disappointed me

It was the only constant in my life 

“Does that feel good baby?” 

“Uh huh” 

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve recovered now. I couldnt partake in any sexual activities for a while because i was still getting a bit short of breath when Id do anything strenuous. So sex was off the table until I felt better. For the first time ever, I was relieved about that because I have not been able to stop thinking about Clarke since she was at my house. And that’s really nothing new. I’ve thought about that woman every goddamn day since we met. But everything’s been heightened since she’s been back. She smells better. Her hands are softer. Her voice calmer. Her hair shinier. Her skin brighter. And my love for her? Stronger than ever.

It was bad. It was so fucking bad. When she left me alone after she dropped me off from the hospital, I felt soo…lost. Like she was my compass and she just left me to figure shit out by myself. And I’ve done that so many times before but this time I needed direction. I needed her to tell me to sit on my couch and just contemplate my future. I needed her to tell me to fold my hands and cross my legs. I needed her to tell me to drink water and take my medicine. I needed Clarke. But I couldnt have her. I had Luna and I was supposed to be fine with that. We’ve been doing well..except for me getting mad at her at the hospital. But other than that..I had no complaints with Luna. Nothing at all. We were..good

Until I realized good isnt cutting it..which is why I decided I want to feel what I feel for Clarke..but with Luna. So the past few weeks I’ve dedicated to my relationship. Being with Luna when I can. Dates. Soo many dates. Sleepovers. And she’s taken great care of me, I cant even deny that. So today, I finally made a move. I was ready. Finished my antibiotics. My stamina was getting better. So I thought..Sex finally..and she was more than enthusiastic to comply with my needs. And I havent been touched in forever so I thought this would probably take 2 minutes for me to have an orgasm. Our sex life was good prior so imagine my fucking surprise when my mind was wandering elsewhere. I couldnt fucking concentrate. I was thinking about everything but the woman between my legs

I need to dust off my ceiling fan

Dammit I dont know if Anya restocked on my needles

I think I need a haircut soon

”You’re so wet”

Am I?”

”You taste so good” 

My hands brush through her wild hair and I pull her closer. She moans into me and this is supposed to do it for me. Her feral eyes boring into me as she eats me out, her nails digging into my legs. Like I should my cumming right now..but Im not..Im not even close 

I look down and she’s devouring me like she hasnt eaten in days. And fuck it’s been weeks! So of course she’s excited!..her tongue licking me, lapping me up, her fingers sliding into me. This should feel amazing

So why doesnt it?

”Fuck” I close my eyes and concentrate

I have a hot woman between my legs 

I have a hot woman between my legs

I have a hot woman between my legs

Behind my eyelids, I see a hot woman between my legs. Only issue is..she’s not Luna. Red hair lightens, blonde taking over from her scalp to her ends. Those brown eyes turn shades lighter until they’re blue. So blue, I feel the air get knocked out of me as my back arches. Her entire face changes, shaping into the only woman I’ve ever loved

”FUCK” I grip the bed sheets and throw my head back

”Damn” Luna chuckles and my eyes shoot open

”You feel better baby?” Luna kisses my stomach and makes her way up

Im overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt that I thought about someone else. I dont fucking get it. I shouldnt be thinking about Clarke at all. I’ve spent every damn day with Luna and we’ve been..happy. Right? I’ve been happy? Who am I asking. Im the only one that can answer that question 

“Yes” I breathe and she comes to lay on my chest 

“Just give me a minute” I tell her as I catch my breath

”Dont worry about it babe” She taps my shoulder

”What? No - -“

”It’s okay really. Im hungry” 

I watch as she throws a shirt on and walks into my bathroom. I hear her washing up and I can’t help but go back to staring at my ceiling again. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t believe I came to the thought of someone else. Imagine if I called her name out too. My body would be ripped to shreds. My head in the dumpster and limbs packaged and sent to different parts of the world. That was close. That can’t happen again

”Babe get up you owe me a meal” she leans over me, her mouth hovering over mine 

“You’re so pretty” she whispers and there’s that guilt again. she places a kiss on my lips before putting her pants on

”What’re you feeling tonight?” 

“Been a while since we’ve had sushi. How about Kaisen?”

”Sounds good to me” 

I take a quick shower. Attempt to scrub off the guilt I feel for thinking of another woman but its no use. I’ll just have to bathe in my own shame instead. I thought by spending all this time with Luna, a certain someone would be left behind. Unfortunately, shes always creeping in the back of my mind. Just not doing anything but making sure she’s not forgotten. Trust me Clarke. I didnt forget you when we were an ocean away..I havent forgotten now that you’re closer than ever

“Babe! Im starving!” I hear luna yell and I open the bathroom door

”Technically you just ate” I smirk and she playfully rolls her eyes 

“And as good as you taste…it didnt stop my stomach from growling” She places a kiss to my cheek and grabs her keys 

“Ready?”

”Yes let me just get my jacket” 

Fine I am hungry. I didnt realize until we stepped into the restaurant and saw how busy it was. They told us it’s a 30 minute wait unless we want to sit at the bar and I would’ve gladly sat at the bar but Luna hates that. She wants a table..or booth. She’s not that hungry apparently because she’d rather wait for one of those than be next to people at the bar

”Luna- -“

”Nope. You know how I feel about that” 

“But we can be seated right now”

”Yeah but we’d be bumping elbows and listening to other people’s conversations. A table and booth is more romantic” She bats her eyelashes at me and what am I supposed to do? Nothing because I cant do anything. Romance is what I’ve been craving in our relationship so if this is what she considers romantic, I’ll do it. I’ll do it because Im desperately trying to keep this relationship above water. And she has no idea how Im feeling. She doesnt know the internal battle I’ve been having with myself because of what’s transpired since Clarke left. Instead of the voicemail playing in my head nowadays, it’s the conversation we had at my house now. 

So what? We go without speaking again?

I…Im not over you Lexa. You have to understand that even just standing here in the middle of your living room with pictures of you and Luna around us just..hurts. It’s not right for me to feel this way for someone in a relationship

But- -

Lexa

This is the right thing to do

I understand. Like I get why she did what she had to do but..why doesnt it feel right? When I ended things way back when, it was because we were on two different pages. It might’ve been the same book but still..completely different pages. I was so deeply in love with her. A feeling I’ve never experienced before and I put it all on the line just to tell her. And yeah I knew what I was doing. Admitting something so early to someone who was still recovering from their past relationship was a risk that I willingly took and it crushed me. That’s my fault. I could have waited until we had a stronger foundation.  Until we were actually dating for longer than a month. But have you ever felt a love that took over your being? Every chromosome in your body wrapped around their name, their voice controlling every move you make without needing to lift a finger. She looks at you and your knees buckle. She touches you and sparks fly. How could I possibly keep that to myself? How could I not tell Clarke the three words that’s been eating away at me? How could she not know? Was it not spelled out on my forehead? Could she not see it in my eyes. It was such a shock to her but why? I thought it was so obvious. Maybe it’s because she didnt want to accept that someone like me could love her. 

“Lexa!” I hear my name being called and luna stands up 

“See babe. Didnt take that long” 

Time really flies when you’re thinking about loving someone else that’s for sure

We’re seated dead center in the middle of this busy ass restaurant. Honestly, I would have rather sat at the bar. It’s pretty much the same thing. At least we would’ve been eating already. I hang my jacket on the back of my chair. She looks through the menu.  

“Drinks ladies?” Our server comes up to us after setting down two waters

”A blue moon for me please” Luna orders

“I’ll do the same” 

He leaves letting us go over the menu. I can literally eat an entire 5 rolls by myself at this point im so hungry. But Luna..god she takes her time. By the time our waiter comes back, she said we need another five minutes which is insane because I know what shes gonna order. A dragon roll and a lobster roll. So why do we need more time? I have no clue. These are the small things about her that just ..annoys me. And it’s not a big deal at all,. Honestly Im just a bitch about it. By the time he comes back, she orders exactly what I knew she was going to order. For me, I get two salmon skin rolls and a seaweed salad. When he leaves, I take big sips of my beer as Luna talks about her clients for the week. Im not zoning out. Im definitely not zoning out. Something about people getting their lashes done. And makeup for a wedding. A haircut here and there. Yeah Im listening until our food comes out. Im so hyper focused on my roll that, her voice blends with the rest of the crowd. I nod and give her a questioning ‘ oh really’ so she thinks Im listening. And I wont lie..sometimes this is how our conversations would go. It’s not that I dont care about what shes saying, it’s that I dont really have anything relevant to say. And I dont even think Luna notices when I get spacey cause she continues to talk so I dont think it matters. 

“Im kinda full but not really” Luna wipes her mouth 

“You wanna get another roll?” 

“Yeah but im not sure if I can finish it”

”Its okay we can share a roll”

”But then what if im still hungry after”

Jesus just decide 

“Get two. I dont care” I didnt mean for it to come off so harsh but she doesnt notice cause our waiter comes back and she orders two rolls…we can take it home just in case we dont finish them. I look up from my plate to find our server and I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. A hallucination manifesting itself into the woman I havent stopped thinking about. The woman that has held my heart in the palm of her hands and attempted to give it back to me. Bruised and battered, a bandaid on a ventricle. I took it and tried to put it back in my hollow chest. Now Luna tries her best to keep it from falling apart but Im not even letting her touch me. Not in the deep, intimate way she wants to. Our relationship has stayed surface level..more than superficial but less than anything I ever felt for Clarke, she cant penetrate my walls and it’s getting tiring. Especially when all Clarke is doing right now is looking at me and I can feel my guard disintegrate into thin air. At first I dont even notice the woman she’s with. Her back facing me, I have no idea who sits across from Clarke when Clarke directly faces me. I gaze over Luna’s shoulder, Clarke continuing to look at me like she hasnt seen me in years when it’s only been a few weeks. She’s trying to commit my face to memory just like Im doing to her. Only reason she wavers is because a waiter goes up to their table to take their drink orders. I haven’t stopped staring. Her make-up light but when has she ever needed anything heavier? Her natural beauty so unmatched that models look average, Greek goddesses appear subpar and angels look to her for advice. She smiles at the waiter, my heart hammers and I wish it was me she was smiling at. What do I do? Wave? Tell Luna  turn around and say hi? Or do we let the tension marinate until it’s ready to consume us yet again 

“Babe? You good?” She’s just about ready to turn around when I stop her

”Luna!” I almost yell but it’s not loud enough for Clarke and whoever this other blonde woman is to hear

”Yes?”

”Oh uh..Im..Im still..hungry”

”Yeah that’s why I ordered two rolls”

”Right” I clear my throat

”You sure you’re okay?”

”Yes” I glance over her shoulder to see that this woman has taken Clarke’s hand from across the table and Clarke cant help but smile. A smile not directed to me at all, she’s on a fucking date and I want to explode. Her face softens, her body language relaxing as her hand is brought up to her mouth to kiss

Im going to murder someone

I hide my hands under the table. My nails creating crescent moons in my palms so hard I almost break skin. I see her laugh, I can practically hear it over all the noise. It’s so loud you would think she’s laughing into a megaphone but it’s just my body attuned to her every move, every word. They clink glasses when their drinks are served. Cheers? For what exactly? That this person has somehow won the lottery and gotten a date with the most beautiful woman in existence? Bring the whole goddamn bottle cause that tiny glass isn’t enough to celebrate that victory. She hasnt looked my way again and now Im desperately trying to think of a way to connect with those baby blues. Hear her say my name. Let her touch my skin even if it’s just for a second. Like an addict with their drug of choice sitting right in front of them..taunting…teasing..I start to sweat and think about how long I’ve spent beating this..addiction. A few weeks seem like nothing but it’s not. It’s..something. It’ll be day zero again for me if I let the temptation win

Should I go over there

A hi wont hurt

I have to see who shes with

who the fuck is this person

”Lexa”

”Whats going on with you” Luna notices that I’ve gone mute and fuck. I cant even hide that Im so in my head about this. 

“Clarke is behind you” I dont know why I say it. Maybe it’s cause I like the taste of her name on my tongue. Luna turns around and obnoxiously waves hi. I slide down into my seat hoping that I just disappear. But no. I feel more seen than ever because that’s when the other woman turns her head and we lock eyes

”Clarke! Hey! I didnt know you were here!” Luna stands to head to their table and give her a hug, but Im glued to my seat. My blood runs cold, my jaw wired shut as I continue to glare at the woman seated across Clarke. 

Niylah..fucking Niylah. Are you kidding me? She’s who Clarke’s on a date with? When did she come back? As if living with her for a goddamn year wasnt enough, she had to show up here for what? She gives me a leering grin tilting her chin up to acknowledge my presence. Usually people avoid eye contact with someone they barely know but no. Niylah continues to assess me from afar..and by afar I mean like 10 feet away from me. Her coat fur and purse designer, Im close to calling PETA so they can douse her in red paint which would give me an out. I’d take Luna and run. I’d come up with an explanation later. I dont have enough time to take my phone though cause that’s when Niylah takes the napkin off her lap and stands. She wouldnt dare come up to me

But she does

She does dare

”Lexa right?” she appears in front of me after three long agonizingly slow strides. A Cartier bracelet on one wrist and Hermes bangle on the other, I feel like she’s dripping in pretentious style when she notices me staring at all the shimmering gold. I dont remember her being this flashy but then again she was in Europe selling her stupid art alongside Clarke so she must have been just as successful. That’s annoying. She smirks, her fucking champagne flute up to her lips as her eyes glaze over me. I stand, not wanting her to feel any sort of dominance over me

”We met at Clarke’s gallery” she reminds me and how the fuck could I forget. We never had an issue. I mean we never had a real issue. She was the one that pushed me to go after Clarke actually. Did I know she would become so important in Clarke’s life afterwards? No. Not at all. And I have no real reason to be so..hostile towards her other than the pure unadulterated jealousy running through me. But I dont fucking care at this point. She shouldnt be here. I thought Clarke left her behind in Paris

”I remember” 

I want to swipe that smile off her face. We’re the same height but she thinks she has the advantage over me with all the money shes wearing right now. Well guess what bitch I have money too. I just dont flaunt it the way she is 

“Girlfriend?” She questions when she gestures at Luna who is talking to Clarke about god knows what. I see Clarke’s eyes shifting between me and Niylah. A worried crease between her eyebrows, but I can hold my own…I think

”Yes”

”Beautiful” She compliments and I dont know what shes calling beautiful. Luna? Our relationship? The thing is it’s supposed to be flattering, but it almost sounds..condescending. A way for her to tell me that i shouldnt be so bitchy to her cause im taken and Clarke is essentially free game

What is this stand-off we’re having here in the middle of the restaurant. She sips on her drink ever so gracefully. Im used to women crumbling under my gaze. I understand I look intimidating. I know I can shoot laser beams at you with my eyes. I also know i dont mean to look so bitchy all the time but it comes natural. So imagine my surprise when Niylah doesnt waver, doesnt move, continues to smile and drink in front of me like shes the one I should be scared of. My chin raises, she throws me a wink and if Clarke didnt appear in between us I swear my fist would’ve acted on its own accord

“Sorry Lexa” she clears her throat and we both look down at the blonde who may or may not have stopped an altercation

”Whatre you apologizing for?” I ask, my entire face softening. My voice low and shoulders slumping, she looks away from me and places a hand on Niylah’s elbow

”For interrupting your dinner” Niylah finishes as she pats Clarke’s hand

”Let’s go back to our seat, love”

“It was nice to see you both” Clarke says to us as Luna waves again. I watch them walk back to their table, Clarke laughing after Niylah whispers something in her ear before she sits across from her. 

You ever feel so cold that it actually burns? Clarke’s eyes no longer warm pools of blue, but actually icicles that impale my fragile heart, she turned my entire body into a freezing vat of unbearable frost. I lose my appetite. I actually feel sick. My entire body is numb and I feel so beyond saving that I think Im just going to cause a scene right now. But before I can do that, Luna speaks and I remember she’s here with me 

“I asked if that was her girlfriend” Luna says before she she puts a piece of sushi in her mouth. I dont think I can take much more today. 

“And?”

”She said no. They’re just good friends” Luna swallows then takes a sip of her drink

”But by how they look at each other, I doubt that’ll last long” she chuckles

”What do you mean”

”They’re clearly into each other “She scoffs and if my grip was any stronger on my beer bottle, it would’ve exploded already. Fuck this honestly. I wanna get the hell out of here. The anger has bubbled and made itself known. Im sure everyone knows to steer clear of me by now 

“You almost done?” I ask with an annoyance in my voice that she stops chewing

”What on earth is your problem Lexa?”

”Nothing”

”Then why do you look like someone killed your dog. Like seriously” 

“Im..just..Im ready to go”

“Why? You didnt even finish your beer. And you didnt touch these last two rolls at all”

”Tired” I answer and she rolls her eyes 

“Whatever” We sit there in silence, my gaze focused on Clarke as she nods along to what Niylah is saying. Her head slightly tilted to the side, her smile ever so present, I pathetically watch how comfortable she is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Clarke that relaxed around someone. Not even Raven. It irritates me to no end because Niylah’s not at all hesitant to touch her from across the table. She even goes as far as feeding her a piece of sushi. Clarke gladly takes her chopsticks between her teeth. I can see the approval in her expression. I’m about to erupt like a fucking volcano 

And just as I’m about to freak out for no reason other than Clarke and Niylah eating dinner together, Clarke looks my way again. Her deep blues calming the storm in me, I feel the sun bursting through the clouds and the sky revealing itself. Birds chirp. Animals come out from hiding. She gives me that barely there smile and I feel my breath hitch 

One

In peace may you leave the shore 

Two

In love may you find the next

Three

Safe passage on your travels 

Four

Until our final journey to the ground

Five

May we meet again

“You ready to go?” Luna asks as she signs the check, the rest of the sushi in containers

“Oh uh.. yeah” 

“Great” Luna rolls her eyes when she stands 

“Wait Luna.. I’m sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me” I apologize because she didn’t deserve my attitude 

“Yeah uh huh”

”No really I am sorry”

”This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with your mood swings Lex” 

Shit 

“They come out of nowhere” she says and she’s not wrong 

“I’m sorry. I’ll work on it” I see her nod and she tip toes to give me a kiss. I feel her palm on my lower back pushing me towards the exit but before we could walk past Clarke’s table I feel warmth on my free hand. I look down and Clarke is stopping me

“Hey um.. I’m having a house warming this weekend if you two would like to come?” She looks at me then Luna. She lets go of me, but I felt the way her fingers grazed my radial pulse 

“I moved into my new place so I told Raven I’d have a party to celebrate when it’s ready and it.. is” she swallows like she’s nervous 

“Mostly ready” Niylah interrupts when she winks at her from across the table 

“Well I’ll have all the boxes out by then… so yeah”

There’s a silence, Luna looking at me to answer 

“Id like it if you were there” Clarke says, hope in her voice and it just… it makes my chest hammer so hard, I’m sure she could hear it. Might be mistaken for an earthquake, I hope it stops soon otherwise this entire building will crumble because of my heartbeat. Maybe the silence drags, we stare too long but Clarke shakes her head and clears her throat 

“If both of you were there I mean”

”Uh yeah.. we’ll see if we can stop by” I squeeze luna’s hand and she smiles

”I’ll text you the address” 

“Sounds good” I manage to croak out

“Nice to see you Clarke and good meeting you too Niylah” Luna starts to pull me away 

“Hope to see you guys there” Niylah says and it takes everything in me not to roll my eyes. Instead, I ignore her and awkwardly wave at Clarke who mirrors my action. Luna and I end up outside and I can finally breathe again 

I dont sleep that night. I cant. Luna decided to go home and I dont blame her. Shes still pissed about my random outbursts. And I know that’s my fault. Clarke still holds the control to my emotions and her presence shouldnt affect me the way it does. I havent seen her in weeks and this is how I respond? Nearly having a tantrum in the middle of a sushi restaurant all because she’s having dinner with Niylah. I swear she was testing me on purpose. Does she always touch Clarke that way? Look at her with so much..infatuation? And Clarke has to notice. How can she not? The touches, the whispers, the pet names. It made me so fucking angry. But there’s no one to be mad at but myself. The thing is, spending all this time with Luna.. I realize I am content. She treats me well and we don’t have issues. But as soon as Clarke is in the vicinity, all hell breaks loose. Do I have to choose between my relationship and my sort of friendship with Clarke? I don’t think I can stand finding out Clarke is dating someone let alone Niylah. I can’t imagine us going on double dates. Talking about our futures with significant others who aren’t each other. My heart simply couldn’t take that. What does all this shit mean? Clarke just bought a new house which means she’s not leaving Polis.. not again. I have my business here. My friends. Everything so I’m not going anywhere either. I need to figure this out soon and my appointment with Allie isn’t until Monday which is after her house warming I’m not even sure I’m going to attend

”Dammit” I whip the blanket off me. I cant stand this. How am I still having sleepless nights because of her? Worse than when she was away, I feel how close she is to me. I know the neighborhood she lives in now. I can go there and knock on every door till I find her. She’s so close yet so goddamn far and it is killing me. Mainly because I know she’s not alone in that house. Someone is keeping her company and you can physically see that Clarke enjoys her being around. 

“This is such fucking bullshit” I walk over to the kitchen and make some tea. This is the first time I’ve been really alone in a few weeks because I spent a lot of my nights with Luna. It feels kind of good. Quiet. I dont always enjoy my own company but at least I can freak out in peace without anyone telling me to calm down. Sometimes I need that. I already have Allie giving me sound advice once a week. I dont really wanna hear it from my girlfriend 24/7 even if Im being unreasonable. 

I walk into my room and sit on my bed. I turn the small light on my bedside table on, but something catches my eye in the crack between my dresser and mattress. 

My journal 

I squeeze my hand through and grab it. God I havent opened this since Clarke left. I flip through the pages and wow did I write a lot in this thing. I dont know why I stopped. It did help me a lot when I could write down what I wasn’t comfortable talking to Allie about. But that’s the thing I guess. I’ve talked to Allie about nearly everything by now. I’ve really grown and expressed myself with her since Clarke left. I mean yes it took time. And okay ..I’ve told her we can’t talk about Clarke. Then there’s few times I flipped out in her office. But it’s been mostly productive. She told me she’s proud of me on more than one occasion. So I didnt feel the need to talk about Clarke. Or think about her. I didnt have to write about her anymore. And now every fucking thought in my head is preoccupied by that pretty smile. Her captivating gaze. That addicting laugh. So maybe I didnt improve as much as I thought. Instead suppressed everything I was feeling until I inevitably saw her again. I flip to the last page of this notebook and read my last entry 

January 26th

She left. For good and I havent been able to get out of bed for the past two days because of the voicemail she left. I’ve listened to it so many times, I can recite it word for word. I dont know what time her flight is. Or who brought her to the airport. Im sure Raven did. I’ve cried. And cried. And cried. Like the pathetic loser i am. I love her so fucking much. It shouldnt hurt like this right? Love shouldnt hurt. I swear I thought it was supposed to feel good and happy and I dont know..not like shit?? I would much rather endure a physical pain than this emotional one that that’s paralyzed and crippled me. The thing is, I know the cure to my debilitating state. Her. Clarke. A hug, a kiss, goddammit just hearing her say my name would probably give me a little bit of life. So I’ll do it again. Listen to the voicemail she left because it feels like i still have a little bit of her with me. 

Holy shit how depressing. I vaguely remember that night. I wanted to drown myself in alcohol. Instead i chose my own sorrow and who knew that would be more potent. 

Chapter Text

I wanna know how karma works. I thought it was simple. If you’re a terrible person, terrible things will eventually happen to you. If you’re a good person, then good things will happen to you. That’s the gist right? I try to think back on my life and what unspeakable, horrendous things I did to deserve this. Showing up at a restaurant with Niylah then being adjacent to Lexa and luna who are very clearly on a date. Yes, this place is packed. But there were two seats at the bar that I spot that we could’ve easily been seated at. But no. We were chosen to sit here for some god awful reason. Just so I can stare at the two lovebirds laugh and smile and feed each other sushi for an hour or two? So I can feel my heart break and mend like a never ending tortuous cycle? Why? How much more can my poor heart endure? So again I ask..in my 30 years of living what did I do to deserve this?..why oh why did we have to sit in front of the girl Im excrutiatingly in love with and her perfect girlfriend? And why did I have to be in the seat that has the perfect view of Lexa’s flawless face. Jaw set, lips plump. Hair silky smooth. Eyes drilling into me like she wants to either murder me or…no just murder me. I wanted to ask Niylah to switch but that would make it obvious. So I accept my fate, gawking at the beauty that is Lexa Woods who is.. fucking…

Staring

Right

At

Me

”Clarke?” 

I stop my own glowering when Niylah says my name

”You okay?”

”Yeah” 

“Are you sure?” She takes my hand and I relax a bit

”Yes I am. Just happy you’re here”  I say and she kisses the back of my hand like she’s done so many times before. Other people would find it romantic..sweet..intimate. But it’s an action I’ve gotten used to from Niylah. Nothing out of the ordinary. We drink our sake bombs then champagne is placed in front of us..I read the note it came with. It’s from the chef.  On the house. To the lovely Miss Griffin. I love your work. I show the card to Niylah

”No wonder we were seated so quickly”

”I mean I made a reservation”

”Oooh..they must’ve recognized the name. I love that for us” She raises her glass to make a toast

”At petit bonheur la chance” She says sweetly as she clinks our glasses together

”You gonna tell me what that means?”

”Come on Clarke. You tell me you learned nothing in Paris??”

”Why did I have to learn when I had you?” I wink

“True…it means..we’ll see where luck takes us” she translates and I place glass the down

”Niylah Rivers..are you trying to get lucky with me tonight??” I feign offense

”Maybe. And you just clinked your glass to mine so no take backs”

”Oh shut up” I laugh as she stares at me from above the rim of her glass. Always flirting. Always charming. If I wasnt so hung up on someone, maybe I’d let it happen

”Tell me how many women you’ve woo’d since I left”

”Pffft..none” She says so unconvincingly that I just wait for her to tell me the truth

”Okay fine..three. And I had to make them breakfast myself. Can you believe that”

”What did you make them?”

”Toast..that’s the best I could do” She shrugs and Niylah can cook so she must not have cared that much to make them pancakes

“Oh come on. You can do better than that”

”I can..but I dont want to. You’re the only one that will experience my Michelin rated meals” 

“I didnt realize I was sooo special” 

“You are”

I almost forgot Niylah looks at me like this. She flirts with everyone. She knows she can get any woman she wants. But never have I seen her look at them with the admiration she looks at me with. I like to think her flirtatious banter is something she does with every woman she comes across but I dont know anymore. Clearly, she’s still sleeping around which Im glad about because it means shes not waiting for me. But her touch lingers, her smile fades, her face gives away a lot and I dont think she knows that. She likes to think she’s subtle but I know all her tells by now. 

“Anyway” She clears her throat

”How was- - “

”Clarke! Hey! I didnt know you were here”

We’re interrupted and Niylah turns around. Oh god. Just when I thought we could get through dinner without Lexa revealing that she noticed me, her girlfriend approaches and gives me a hug. Lexa doesnt move from her seat. Instead, her face rock hard and expressionless, she doesnt make the effort to greet us. But that’s no problem for extroverted, social Niylah who does the work for her. I want to hear what they could possibly be talking about. The thing with Niylah is nothing intimidates her. Nothing. No one. So Lexa’s..sneering..glowering..is actually only empowering her. And I dont need to see the front of Niylah’s face to know she’s probably smirking, finding a way to instigate because she doesnt care if your jaw line can cut through glass. Or your eyes can pierce you like a sword. Lexa’s intimidation tactics wont work on this one

”Is that your girlfriend?”

”Im sorry what?”

”The blonde” She gives me a light elbow nudge

”Oh no..we’re just good friends. We lived together in Paris”

“She’s really pretty though” She tells me like I don’t know

”She is” I agree and Luna continues to talk, but I cant stop focusing on Niylah and Lexa. I need to know what they’re saying to each other because Lexa looks just about to snatch her head off. She’s standing so they’re face to face. If there’s anything Lexa hates it’s feeling..vulnerable..small. She would never let anyone just look down on her. She tilts her chin up, her teeth obviously grinding together. Niylah isnt stupid. I know she knows she’s probably making Lexa uncomfortable but again she doesnt care. She lives to challenge people. And if Lexa’s unimpressed, blank face doesnt scare you away then nothing can. 

”How is she?” I bluntly ask. I know it’s probably none of my business. And it looks suspicious that I wouldnt just ask her myself, but..I cant go up to Lexa hug her and pretend that I didnt miss her during unspoken hiatus yet again. It’s interesting how that works..you’re supposed to lose feelings..not gain them when you lose touch with someone. I’ve learned by the two times I’ve gone without talking to Lexa now that not only do my feelings grow but they make me feel absolutely crazy. So what am I supposed to do when talking to her makes me fall harder but not talking to her sends me straight into this bottomless abyss of persistent pining.  

”What?”

”Lexa. We havent like..talked since she was in the hospital”

I dont know how much Luna knows about what happened that day..or if she knows anything at all. I doubt anything if she’s talking to me normally. 

”Oh…she’s doing better. Finished her antibiotics and she’s not short of breath anymore” she answers and I smile at the information. Do you know how many times I wanted to text her. To call her and ask how she is? More times than I can count but I refrained. It wasnt my place especially when I was the one that said we couldnt be in the same room together until we’re over..this. How funny is it that we’re both here. Not funny at all actually, I wish I had known so I could’ve brought Niylah somewhere else. Then I wouldnt be a witness to Lexa trying to kill Niylah with her eyes 

“I will say she’s been so..moody? I wonder if that’s a side effect from the meds” She awkwardly chuckles

”What do you mean?”

”Like she’ll be happy and fun one minute then aloof and sorta rude the next. Like today..I dont know what her deal is” She shrugs and I suck my lips in between my teeth 

“It makes me second guess things you know? Like do I want to have something serious with her”

”Umm…are you two not serious?” I hesitantly ask

”I mean we consider our relationship exclusive…and I dont correct people when they ask if shes my girlfriend or she refers to me as that…but I dont know..she’s hard to read sometimes. Like she’s hiding something from me..and I dont want to fully commit to someone who’s holding back” She rambles and Im starting to sweat. Im not a huge fan of knowing the details of their relationship. Mainly because it gives me..hope. As shitty and terrible as that sounds. I cant help it. Hope is a dangerous thing to have. I hoped I would find peace in Paris. Find a home there and settle. That didnt happen. I had to come back because every night I heard the calling disguised as Lexa’s voice telling me to come home.. Deep down I hoped Lexa and I could start over. That she’d still be single and we could try again. That hope went through the garbage disposal as soon as I met Luna. And now after these few weeks of not speaking, I hoped I could get over her. A rebound effect instead, I feel more than I did before which doesnt make any goddamn sense. She stands there and I can practically hear her cursing under her breath. The millimeter movements of her lips just enough for me to make out the words fuck this shit. I could almost laugh. Sometimes I wonder what wouldve happened if we met under different circumstances. Maybe after I completed all my sessions with Allie and I had recovered from the after effects of my divorce. Maybe I wouldve met her at one of my benefits. In my gallery. She would’ve been admiring one of my paintings. I would’ve been admiring her. Then our love story could have started from there. But no…life isnt that kind. It’s not a movie. This isnt scripted. Some couples just dont get happy endings.

“Maybe you need to talk to her about that”

”Lexa is terrible at talking about her feelings…you should know that” she raises an eyebrow at me

What a weird thing to say. Wait..does she know? No way..no shes doesnt know. I didnt tell her. Did lexa tell her we used to be something..that I was the one that she was in love with

”Why would I know that” I respond defensively

“Because you guys are good friends?” She says like it’s a question and I let out a sigh of relief but Luna looks at me strangely. I dont know what to say to that because no the hell we’re not

”She did say though..you two were just acquaintances. Not that close” she reevaluates and fuck where is she going with this

”But she knew your mom…” now there’s suspicion in her voice and I dont know how to handle this

“Raven” I blurt out and she blinks

”Anya and Raven have lunch with my mom together sometimes..so yeah..” I mean not a total lie but definitely not the truth. How much am I willing to divulge? How much more can I lie about what we mean to each other. It’s not my place to explain this though. It’s Lexa’s and Im trying to keep my poker face on but it’s difficult

”OH..Right” She nods and I think she’s done questioning our friendship..at least for now

”Let me go grab Niylah” I cant stand in front of this woman and omit the truth anymore. If I do, I’ll drown in my own perspiration. I squeeze myself in between them, their opposite scents combining and now my head feels dizzy. 

“Sorry Lexa”

”What’re you apologizing for” She looks down at me and god..i cant handle that silky lull of her voice. The way she relaxes her mouth, her lips parting when she stares at me. She looks so much better than when she was in the hospital. Like she was never there. How is it possible for someone to look so captivating without even trying.  Those expressive greens boring into me. I lose my breath, my footing..i hold onto Niylah

”For interrupting your dinner” Niylah answers for me

“Let’s go back to our seat, love” She pats my hand and I nod because I’ve lost all sense..including common and if I were to stand there any longer under Lexa’s gaze and I’d grab her and kiss her

“It was…nice to see you both” I muster up just as Luna sits down. I grab my drink as soon as I find my chair 

“So she’s still the same”

”What?”

”Lexa..she’s still the same” 

“What do you mean?”

”Still an overprotective pitbull. Still in love with you” she says so nonchalantly but I hear her loud and clear

”Niylah that’s her girlfriend right there” I try to whisper

”Pffftt..that wont last”

”Oh my god” I wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead

”Clarke you cant be that naive. If Lexa had a shank, she would’ve stabbed me quietly and discretely under the table”

”Were you instigating?” I question and she smirks

”Maybe”

”Why?!” 

“Because why not? Someone needs to knock some sense into you two. My god how long has it been now?”

”I..i dont- -”

”Clarke..it’s either you get over her or you fight for her. Those are your two options. Otherwise you’ll be miserably alone for the rest of your life wishing you did something different. Same goes for her..but I wont say that or she may actually decapitate me..but you? You’re my friend and I love you” 

Just as Im letting Niylah’s words sink in, Lexa stands up and pushes her chair in. Luna grabs their food and Lexa’s hand. I dont know what comes over me..my heart controlling my limbs instead of my brain..My hand reaches out right when they’re about to walk past us. I swear it had a mind of its own. They stop and turn to me but I immediately let go. Unfortunately, I still feel the static cling. The electric charge from her skin. Like a magnetic, she’s pulling me closer. Wanting me to touch her. But the angel in my head is telling me to be considerate. The devil is saying I missed my chance. It’s rare when the voices in my head are on the same page,  but it must mean something if they’re in agreement. So I swallow my pride, my dignity and keep my hands to myself

But it doesnt stop me from doing the unthinkable  

“Hey um…Im having a house warming this weekend if you two would like to come?..I moved into my new place so I told Raven I’d have a party to celebrate when it’s ready and it..is” My heart is about to beat out of my chest. Why the fuck am I inviting them? 

“Mostly ready” Niylah mumbles into her champagne glass

”Well I’ll have all the boxes out by then..so yeah” 

“I’d like it if you were there” 

My voice trails, a timid cadence to the invitation but there’s nothing I can do about that now. I would love it if she was there. If we could try our shot at a friendship for the millionth time. I dont know why Im so hellbent on keeping this woman in my life. I shouldnt be because what do we do for each other besides painfully yearn. Do I look pathetic? Probably. I look up, Lexa’s surprised I invited her ..and luna…shit luna

”If both of you were there I meant”

”uh..yeah ..we’ll see if we can stop by”

”I’ll text you the address”

”Sounds good” I nod

”Nice to see you Clarke..and good meeting you too Niylah” Luna smiles and either this woman is ignoring all these awkward interactions or she speaks to Lexa about them later. Either way..that could’ve gone better

”Hope to see you guys there” Niylah..the troublemaker. I swear she gets a kick out of this

”I hate you” I tell her once they’re out of ear shot

”You dont though” she blows me a kiss and now we can finally eat our dinner in peace

“Next time…” Niylah starts when while we’re sweating our asses of walking to the end of my driveway

”What”

”Warn a bitch about manual labor so I can fake an illness until everything is set up properly” We heave boxes into the recycling bin and leave the bigger ones on the curb

”oh come on. We all know how much you loveeee lifting a finger to help me” I laugh as she whines. Before she can smack me, my phone rings and I answer

”Yes..4pm is okay. Ill be home..thank you” I hang up and Niylah gives me a strange look 

“Who was that?”

”Food”

”You’re having a a housewarming party..catered?” She questions

”Why yes I am Niylah”

”God you’ve learned so much from me. Im so proud”

”I cant cook!”

”Learn babe. Im not here to do that for you anymore

”Uggggh..I know..I will..one day”

We get the last of the trash out of the house and things have really come together. I dust and clean while Niylah lays on the couch with her phone up to her ear. Speaking french into the receiver, Im not sure if she’s yelling or speaking at a normal volume at this point. I do receive a call from Harper to talk about work as well. I walk into my art room to see the last painting I did. Do I want this hung up or just for myself?

”I’ll give you an answer next week Harp”

”Okay”

”You coming tonight right?”

”Obviouslyyyy..just finishing a few things up at work then I’ll be there”

”Perfect. See you then” 

“Oooh my” Niylah leans against the door frame

”New?”

”Yeah..not sure if I want it in the gallery though”

”It makes my head hurt” She comments

“Me too” I laugh

”It’s the first painting I’ve done in this house”

”Then keep it here” 

“You think? It’s kind of…sad though is it not?”

”Chaotic..yes. Not sure I’d say it’s sad. Why? Were you sad when you painted it?”

“Not necessarily. Just..all over the place” 

“Well I love it” she walks closer to the canvas 

”You always say that” 

“Not true..remember…Severed??”

It takes me a moment until we both start laughing

”What did I say again?”

”Was your head severed from your body when you came up with this idea? Because there’s no way you used your brain to paint this” i repeat and Niylah continues to laugh

“You’re such a bitch you know that!”

”Im honest!”

”But it still sold didnt it?”

”I have no idea how..the seller must have had a crush on you”

”Give me more credit than that. It was horrible but it still spoke to someone”

”You sure he wasn’t blind?” 

“Shut up!” I smack her on the arm and push her out of the room. My phone rings on the kitchen counter and it’s Gaia

”Hey!”

”Hey youu. Just wanted to ask if you wanted me to bring anything tonight?”

”You dont have to. Im having everything catered”

”ohh god. You’re so fancy” 

“If you want me to cook, then you’ll have food poisoning for a week”

”Yeah please dont do that. I have a meeting tomorrow after noon”

“Catering it is” I see Niylah looking at me..full of questions. Always wanting to know who im talking to

”Okay I’ll see you later Clarke” 

“Bye Gaia”

After I hang up, Niylah prances over to the kitchen to take out a bottle of wine

”So..who’s Gaia?”

”My realtor actually”

”You invited your realtor to the party?”

”I did..she’s our age and really nice”

”And?”

”And what”

”Pretty?” She asks and I snatch the bottle from her hand

”DO NOT hit on my realtor”

”Why not??” She pouts

”Because!” 

“Because you want her for yourself?”

”No..that’s no..no!”

”My goodness Clarke. You look flustered”

”Im not..she’s just really nice and I dont want you to scare her away”

”Ouch! That’s rude!”

“I wouldnt do that..but if you say she’s off limits..I’ll abide”

”Thank you” I pour us a glass of wine and the caterers ring the door bell soon after. I have tables set up for the food and drinks. Everything smells great. I really didnt plan on this being a big party but considering how many people showed up to my homecoming..it’s only fair I return the favor right? Either way..I think I need a good time to get me over the stress of the past few weeks. I cant help but wonder if a certain someone will show. After sleeping on Niylah’s words..I just..I dont know I feel more confident. More myself. But it doesnt mean I want to homewreck a relationship. Maybe I can just tell Lexa how I feel? Should I do that? Im gonna have to be at least a little bit drunk. Then Lexa can decide what she wants to do. If she chooses her or me..that’ll be up to her. At least I can get it off my chest.  Face to face. No voicemail. No texts. Just leave it all out in the open. Once and for all

That sounds like a recipe for disaster

But someone gets hurt one way or another

Anya and Niylah’s words marinated in my brain all night until I woke up this morning. I really cant just let life pass me by without..trying. I mean I havent been able to get over her in over a year..that must mean something right? And by the way she tenses in my presence, her eyes darkening, her lips parting…I know.. I just know there’s something for me deep down in her. She didnt deny it last time we were alone together. I just..I didnt like her speak. I made the decision for her to get over me and that was probably wrong of me. But I was trying to be a good person. Trying to let her be happy with someone else..but what if..what if she’s meant to be happy with me? That’s a possibility I didnt consider because I’ve always chosen to be the one to get hurt instead of others. I have never been selfish. Maybe it’s my time to be

Raven is the first to show at my house because of course she is. And not empty handed either

”God Ray are you trying to kill everyone?”

“Yes..Where’s my favorite blonde???”

”You’re staring right at- - “

”Raven Reyes!” Niylah appears from behind me. Not sure why she’s wearing a cocktail dress like she’s the one hosting this party but I stopped questioning her choices a long time ago. She dresses to impress regardless of the occasion 

“THERE SHE IS” Raven shoves the bottles of liquor into my chest to throw her arms over her. Anya walks in soon after, a cake in her hands

“Anya it’s not my birthday”

”It’s not?”

”No! Dont you pay attention to anything I say! This is a house warming!”

”Well sorrrry…it’s someone’s birthday..somewhere” she walks to my fridge and places it inside. Whatever..at least we have dessert for later.  

Before you know it, my house is filled with bodies. Music is playing and the drinks are flowing. Im so happy I got this catered because there’s no way I would’ve been able to feed all these people. It’s a good thing I hid my breakables because Monty and Jasper are notorious for being sloppy drunks. Only problem is, I dont have a bed in every guest room yet so if anyone needs to stay over, they’ll have to find a comfy corner on the carpet. Im sure I have sleeping bags somewhere

”Come do a shot with us darling” Niylah pulls me to the island while Murphy lines up the glasses

”You know you dont have to do that right? I mean you’re not at work” I tell him and he pauses

”You’re right” He shoves the bottle of tequila in my hands and I pour the rest into the glasses. 

”Sick house, Clarke. We’ll be sure to make you host every party from now on” Bellamy winks as he passes a shot glass to Echo

”Yeah yeah. It’s nice to have you all here. It’s been a pain in the ass getting settled but it was worth it. To new beginnings” I raise my glass and the door opens before we can take our shots. All eyes on Gaia as she walks in, I immediately go to greet her

”Im sorry Im late”

”You’re not..you’re just in time” I hand her my glass silently thanking her for coming in the time that she did so I didnt have to take it. I introduce her to the group. I can already see Niylah eyeing her and I give her a warning glare that she only laughs at

”Wow Clarke. Love what you did to the place” she tells me

”Those four over there are to thank for getting everything in place for today” I point at Lincoln, Octavia, Raven and Anya. We watch them move the trays of food to the island so they can set up…beer pong on one of the tables. My god Im friends with a bunch of 21 year olds. They fight over the teams…who’s gonna be partnered. Harper with her type A personality says it’s only fair to draw from a hat. Gaia and I pass on the game. We sit on the couch to talk after I serve her some food and a bottle of beer

”How you liking it here?”

”I love it…I still need to get more furniture and decorate a bit more but im slowly easing into it”

”Well what you’ve done is awesome” 

We havent seen each other since we got everything finalized. Ive never seen Gaia dress so casually before. Dark blue jeans and a nirvana t shirt, black converses and her make-up dark, she looks great like this. I mean the pencil skirt and button up is nice too but i dont mind the simple outfit. We kind of keep to ourselves drinking and talking while everyone else plays drinking games. People filter in and out, not sure where they’re coming and going but Im really glad my neighbors arent close enough to hear the ruckus coming from here. It’s no surprise when Raven starts to set up karaoke because this is what she does when she’s plastered. I dont even know where she found the box and mic. Anya miserably plugs in the wires to the TV and outlets while more drinks are being poured. I have a feeling people are definitely going to be passed out on my floor today

”You guys know how to party” Gaia comments just as Niylah throws an arm over me

”Introduce me” she whispers in my ear 

“I did earlier” I smile through gritted teeth

”Again” 

“Sorry Gaia. This is my friend Niylah. She’s an artist too” I tell her and Gaia smiles, a red tint to her cheeks when Niylah continues to stare

“What do you two have against games?” She questions

”Nothing..we’re just talking” Gaia says and I can already tell Niylah’s drooling 

“Alright Niylah you’re up first. Give me some Celine” I shove her towards Raven who hands her the mic 

It’s not long till everyone starts yelling their heads off to Power of Love. Through everyone’s tone deaf singing, I hear a familiar sound outside. The roar of an engine that I havent heard in a long time. My gaze shifts to the front door. My heart starting to beat faster as my brain wills the door bell to ring through manifestation alone. What is happening? There’s no way- -

It happens. I hear the doorbell above all the noise and before I could get up to answer it, Octavia does it for me 

”LEXAAAAA! YOU MADE IT!” 

It’s like all alcohol vanished from my system as soon as I saw her. When our eyes meet, she smiles and I cant stop staring…waiting for her girlfriend to come through. After a minute or two Lexa closes the door and I realize..Luna isnt here

Just lexa 

In my house 

We make eye contact. One bottle of wine in her hand and she waves at me. She dons a long sleeve t and light blue jeans, heeled booties underneath. She looks great but..her eyes are swollen. Has she been crying? She tried to cover it up with foundation but I can tell she’s wearing more make-up than usual. I approach leaving Gaia to choose the next song to sing

”Hi”

”Hello” she offers me the bottle and I place it on the counter

”I hope Im not…intruding” She says nervously rubbing her neck and looking down

”No..I invited you”

I swear I’m gonna need my mom to prescribe me some meds to control these palpitations I feel every time Lexa’s around. She wipes her hands on her jeans and glances around at the belligerent drunks jumping up and down on my couch. Anya’s singing Mr Brightside while Raven records her. Niylah’s already taken my spot on the couch next to Gaia. Jasper and Monty have a box of pizza between them while Murphy and Emori snap pics of Bellamy and Echo all over each other. 

“You’re never gonna get these people out of your house I hope you know that” Lexa says 

“Yeah Im now realizing how big of a mistake this is”

She’s actually sort of..relaxed around me. No tension in her shoulders, her smile natural and eyes glistening. She appears comfortable even if I sense something bittersweet in the air. So I cant help but ask because there’s no point in delaying this question 

“Where’s Luna?”

”Not coming”

”She’s not?”

”We’re uh…we sort of broke up” 

Chapter Text

“This is fucking ridiculous!”

”How Lexa? You’re the one being ridiculous”

”We’ve been talking about the same shit for days I dont wanna talk about it anymore”

”And that is exactly what Im talking about! You think everything is on your time? It’s not..be an adult- - “

”OH my fucking god here we go again”

We’ve been at it for I dont even know how long anymore. Before we go to bed, we fight. When we wake up, we fight. Im so sick of it. 

“Wow” Luna stands there, arms crossed against her chest and she just stares at me with so much disdain. I dont even recognize her 

“Where is this coming from?” She asks

”Where is what coming from”

”You’re mad..all the fucking time”

”No Im tired”

Im more than just tired. Im exhausted for three days now, everything has been testing my patience. Whether it’s the the mail man ringing the door bell when Im asleep to deliver a package or luna calling to hang out, I just dont want to be around her or anyone. 

“And what are you tired of huh?”

You

”Nothing”

“Well you know what Im tired of? Your fucking temper tantrums. Maybe you need to see Allie more than once a week”

Wow. What a low blow. I had missed a few sessions because I was sick, but I started going back last week. I dont even know what Luna’s problem is. Sometimes I just want silence. I just want to lay here in my bed..and not do anything. Why does she have a problem with that? Why does she always have something to say?

”Whatever” I murmur and turn over in bed

”You know you’ve been acting out since you left the hospital. You’ll be fine one minute then flipping out the next. I dont deserve that” She whips the blanket off of her to put her pants and shirt on. I hear sniffling and I sit up to find Luna wiping her eyes. Goddammit

”Luna”

”No Lexa. You’ve been treating me like shit. What the hell did I do to you?” She desperately asks and…when I think about it. Nothing. She’s done absolutely nothing. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and look down at the floor. What’s the root cause of my issues here? Why dont I enjoy Luna’s company anymore? Why do I always want to be alone? 

“I dont want to be with someone who treats me this way”

”Are you breaking up with me?” I look up, Luna’s standing her ground. I cant help but walk up to her

”Tell me the truth” She whispers and I swallow the lump in my truth

”Are you happy?” She asks

Happiness is a foreign concept. Dont we all just walk around finding temporary gratification until we die? There is no long-term happiness..is there?

“I…” I debate on lying. Just to keep this semblance of a relationship alive, I could just throw my arms over her and tell her she makes me the happiest person on earth but my actions say otherwise

”Not anymore”

”Why?”

”Cause Im in love with someone else”

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit did I say that out loud. She takes a step back, her eyes watering but she inhales sharply. Im expecting pure hatred to come across her face. Maybe a slap. Or kick to the gut. I feel like shit either way. Physical pain is better than this silent torture I’ve been enduring the past few weeks. I’ve tried so hard to resist what Im feeling for clarke. Spending time away. Being with luna all day everyday and it’s only made me..resent her. And thats not her fault. It’s mine. All of this is my fault and I let Luna be collateral damage in this battle ive been fighting for god knows how long now. I wait for the consequences of my actions to hit me like a sniper when it’s just Luna’s fist to my jaw but instead she scoffs. She doesnt touch me at all. 

”I knew it” She shakes her head

“Ive always sensed something strange between you two..and I just..I fucking knew it”

She didnt need to specify who she’s talking about. I know. She knows. We dont need to speak her name into existence

“Why drag me along if you had feelings for someone else huh?” A tear slides down her cheek but she quickly swipes it away

”I wanted to make it work, Luna. You’re amazing and I - -“

”Dont..dont do that” she shakes her head 

“You couldve saved us both time if you had just manned up and told me the truth. Instead you made me look like an idiot” 

“Luna im sorry- - “

”No. Fuck you Lexa. I never want to see you again” the last thing I see is the last bit of her red hair as she storms out of my room and out of the house. Now it’s quiet. Nothing but my own thoughts devouring me from the inside. I remember the days where I literally could not give one fuck. The days I would fuck women and ghost them then go about my day like it was nothing. Ever since Clarke opened up this side of me that’s.. vulnerable..weak..understanding..I feel that shock of guilt every time I know I did something wrong. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to keep up this act. By trying to salvage what we have but i was fighting a losing battle. It wasnt even a battle because Clarke literally surrendered and told me to move on with Luna. A war between me and me, the version that won will always be the one that’s so utterly and inconsolably in love with Clarke. 

And it makes me angry

So angry 

One

In peace may you leave the shore 

Two

In love may you find the next

Three

Safe passage on your travels 

Four

Until our final journey to the ground

Five

May we meet again

This isnt helping. Nothing is. I want to break something. Something other than my heart. A mirror maybe? If I shatter my own reflection maybe all the actions that accompany it will disappear too. But I know that’s not real. All that would be doing is making a damn mess. Probably send me to the hospital with glass shards stuck to my skin. It’s driving me mad that I cant do anything that would make all these feelings bubbling inside of me go away. So I pace. Pace and pace and pace until I do the only thing i can think of. I grab my phone and call City of Light

”Good morning. This is- - “

”I need to talk to Allie”

”Im sorry? Who’s speaking?”

”This is Lexa Woods”

”Oh lexa…hi..Im sorry Allie is actually leaving as we speak”

”Tell her I need to talk to her”

There’s shuffling on the other side of the phone until it’s finally given over to Allie 

”Hello?” Allie speaks and I can feel the fire inside me calming

”Allie..it’s Lexa..can I …can I talk to you please?” 

“Are you safe?” She asks first 

“Yeah…I just..I really need to talk to you”

“Sure..can you come in now?”

Im in my car as soon as I confirm I can be there. The tears continue to flow, the rage inside me building. Im not mad at anyone but myself. I didnt want to hurt Luna, but not only did I do that, I treated her like shit in the process. Continuously lied to her hoping that my feelings for her overshadowed my feelings for someone else but it wasnt even closed. I’ve faked my way through the past few weeks. Since Clarke and I spent time together at the hospital, I couldnt get her out of my head. And I thought having Luna by my side would eventually knock her out of it. I would eventually get to a place where clarke’s face in my mind would fade. The heat of her touch would cool. The blue would dull. But no. She was a constant in my everyday. I’d see a blonde and wish it was her. Thought I heard her laugh but it was just my ears playing tricks on me. See the sky and for a second I’d believe Clarke would be coming down from it with wings and a halo. But all there was was rain. Rain and the thundering of my heart when Clarke’s face would make itself visible at the most inconvenient of times. And maybe I was looking for her. Looking for her in everything I did. Even while Luna was next to me, I craved the company of someone else and I couldnt fake it anymore. I just got so angry and Luna was the brunt of my rage for no reason other than she’s not clarke 

Once I get to City of Light, I find Allie waiting for me in the lobby. I dont even check in. The few people scattered throughout the room look up from their magazine. I feel the social anxiety creeping up on me when i realize eyes are on me in my frantic state. 

“Lexa” I hear Allie in front of me. She’s wearing her coat and her purse hangs on a shoulder. She was really about to leave 

“Let’s go in my office” she leads me to the room I’ve been in a thousand times. Once the door is closed, I can breathe again. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt the walls closing in on my like that. I take a seat on the couch. My knees pressed together. My hands on my lap balling into fists so hard that my nails dig into my skin, I try to feel something other than the anger brewing. Allie sets her things down and takes her jacket off. She finds her tea pot and a mug

”I dont want any tea” I say and she looks at me

”No?”

”I dont want anything” 

She doesnt put the pot or cups away. She sits in front of me in that large cushioned chair with her notebook and pen. I take a peak at the clock behind her. 5pm. Holy shit it’s late. I didnt realize Allie’s day was over and I just pulled up and kept her here longer than she has to be

”Im sorry”

”For?”

”Barging in like this”

”You didnt barge in. I told you to come in”

”yeah but..you were about to go home”

”It’s okay Lexa. You’ve never called here this flustered before. I was worried about you” she says like a concerned mother

”So..tell me whats going on” 

“Luna and I broke up” 

“Im sorry to hear that” Allie doesnt write it down, instead continuing to make eye contact with me. I should be used to the fact that she’s not surprised at anything I say anymore

”Why?”

”Because of Clarke”

Except this. She’s surprised I said her name. She hasnt heard me say her name in such a long time that I see the visible shock on her face when I mention her. She reels it back in though, maintaining her neutral attitude. This is when she opens up her notebook

”What do you mean because of her?” 

”She….she’s the reason” I’ve having a hard time getting it out. Telling Allie this actually isnt Clarke’s fault. It’s mine and I just simply cant get over her

”I still love her” my voice cracks, my hands release the grip it has on itself and my shoulder slump. The taste on my tongue is bittersweet. Accepting that I am still so in love with the woman that broke me last year hurts because I had a woman who was good to me. Who did nothing wrong. Who was patient with me. But still..it wasnt enough. Wasnt enough to help me get over someone else and that makes me a shitty person 

“So you broke up with Luna because youre still in love with someone else”

”Yes”

”Im assuming Luna didnt take too well to that”

”No..she’s stormed out. She hates me”

Allie doesnt try to disagree. She nods and gives me time to process

”Break ups are tough, Lexa. But you were honest with her and- - “

”I wasnt honest! I strung her along for weeks! That’s why she hates me!” I blow up like a volcano. The tears flow. My lip trembles. My loud raised voice would terrify anyone but not Allie… who’s heard it multiple times already

”Count Lexa”

”I did it earlier and it did nothing”

”Do it again..i wanna hear you”

“But- -“

”This is not up for discussion” She waits for me to do as Im told

”One”

“And whats one?”

“In peace you may leave the shore”

”Exactly..I need you to find your inner peace and breathe” I sit there..taking slow deep breaths..my inner turmoil still simmering but not at a full blown bloil

“Now..whats two?”

”In love you may find the next” it’s hitting too close to home..I feel the tears prickling at my eyelids. Begging to release. Forcing their way out. 

“You dont have to be sorry for being in love with someone else okay? Yes Luna feels hurt now..but this is life Lexa. People get together then break up. You tried in your relationship with her and that’s what matters. You may think of it as leading her on but you gave it your all. The old you wouldnt have even given this another thought. You simply would’ve hooked up with other women or worse..ghosted Luna without an explanation”

That’s true. But why does being mature hurt so much

”You’ve grown. You’re still having a hard time processing your feelings but that’s okay”

”Tell me three”

”Safe passage on your travels”

”What does that one mean to you?”

”Moving on..something i havent been able to do since Clarke left” I admit

”And maybe there’s a reason for that” 

“Four?”

”Until our final journey to the ground” 

“Acceptance, Lexa. You must accept that what you’re feeling for Clarke is valid..true. And there are some people in your lifetime you just cant get over. Now do you fight for them or continue your journey without them? That’s up to you”

”And five?”

”Until we meet again…the last words we said to each other”

”Right..you always thought you’d cross paths again. Whether you knew it or not..fates have a way of intertwining whether we want them to or not. Clarke’s move to Paris was temporary and who knows if that was planned.. Now I dont know how she feels about you and there is a possibility she’s over you Lexa. Dont forget that. But you’re the only one that can find that out. Dont assume. Dont come up with scenarios in your head. You have to communicate with her” 

Clarke doesnt see Allie anymore. All she knows is my version of things and she’s right. I have to talk to her..I mean really talk to her. Not push her away. Dont let her push me away. I have to find out where she is in her life

”Okay”

”Okay?”

”Yeah..I’ll talk to her” 

“You did so good by coming to me instead of keeping everything inside, Lexa. Im proud of you” She stands up and so do I. I dont know if it’s really normal to hug your therapist but I do.. I hug her like she’s the mom I never had. She got me through this crisis before I could really erupt. She made me remember to respond and not..react. When I was in juvie with Anya..doing anything and everything I could to get attention, I didnt care if it was good or bad. It was attention..something I never had before and it was addicting. Up until Anya’s fist pounded into me and I really didnt like how that felt. I had to grow up. Find help otherwise I would’ve ended up somewhere worse than juvie…like prison or dead in a hole. Allie was a godsend in my later life. Anya was tired of keeping me in check. I needed more than she could give me. But I saw the changes in her when she was seeing a therapist so I thought why not right? Did I think it would actually help? Honestly..no. I thought I was beyond help. And at first I continued to see Allie cause I thought she was hot. That she was a challenge I could get behind cause I thought one day she’d crack and sleep with me. Boy was I wrong…and Im glad she was

“Thank you Allie”

”You’re welcome..I’ll see you Monday”

I nod and she walks me out. Once in my car, I suck in a breath and feel..lighter. Better. Still terrible for how I treated Luna but the guilt that was eating away at me has stopped. At least for now. 

I need to talk to Clarke 

When I get home, I stare at the text Clarke sent me last night. It was her address. Nothing else. I didnt respond. It was also at like 1a.m. What was she doing up at that late? Painting probably. Or worse..hanging out with Niylah whom Im assuming is staying with her. Did she not get tired of her when they lived together in Europe? It’s only been about a month since she’s been back and she’s already visiting. Did Clarke miss her that fucking much? They looked sooo..ugh. I hate thinking about it. But if I want to have a mature conversation with Clarke about how I feel then I have to accept whatever friendship she has with Niylah. But that woman..she looks at Clarke like there’s something more. Like she’s just waiting for her chance. I mean god she was living and working with her for a year…she had a chance every damn day 

“Breathe” I tell myself. Stop over analyzing. This isnt about Niylah and Clarke. This is about me and clarke

It’s getting late. If Im gonna do this I better decide now. But I definitely cant talk to Clarke about everything during her party. But doing it with a few drinks in my system seems a lot easier than doing it sober. I pick out something to wear. Casual. Simple. Yeah. After grabbing my things, I walk through my garage then stop myself. I shouldnt go in empty handed…thats rude right? I turn around and find the wall that has a cubby full of wine. Luna was a big wine connoisseur so I made sure to keep us fully stocked hence why I had this cubby installed in the garage. I tip toe to grab one..attempting to push aside the fact that I still feel guilty about my break-up. No bows or fancy gift bags, I hope clarke will accept this bottle as it is

I grab my keys off the hook and my car beeps, but my motorcycle taunts me right next to it. I havent ridden it since the first blizzard but now the weather is getting better. A bit less cold. I think it’s time to bring her out again. Motorcycle it is  

Every time Im on my bike, I forget why I drive a SUV. There’s something so exhilarating about speeding to your destination. Like those mission impossible movies where you’re fleeing a scene or trying to be the hero and save someone from trouble, I’ve/ always wanted to be the heroine of my own story. But considering how I treated luna, Im more of the villain. Is it so bad that Im in love with someone else though? And I know my feelings are true because of all the time that’s passed. It’s just shitty how I’ve gone about hurting someone else in the process. I accept responsibility for that. For stringing luna along while I fought tooth and nail between truth and delusion. The thing is, there was a time when I thought my relationship with Luna was good enough. My thoughts about Clarke were just…that. Thoughts. Not reality. When she came back, it was a true test of what my heart really desired. To no one’s surprise, I felt the burst of light take over my rather dim aura. Blonde and blue. The sun and sky came out from behind the clouds. And every time she wasnt around me, just overcast. And Luna fought so hard to get through the mist. She tried to quell the fire burning inside of me, but the catalyst will forever and always be Clarke. No other woman has been the source and it’s time I really accept it for what it is.

I stand at her door, nervous and ill-prepared for what’ll hit me when it opens. I hear singing. Very loud, terrible singing if Im being frank. This house is smaller than her old one but that’s not for lack of panache. A perfectly mowed front yard and trimmed bushes, her driveway is made of brick and her house is painted a modern grey. She could’ve gone much more extravagant if she wanted to. Three story and 5000 sq feet, everyone knows Clarke could afford it but she went with something more suited to her comfort which Ive always loved about her. Not one to flaunt her wealth, she’s always been so low key about her success. My hand shakes with the wine in my hand before I ring the doorbell and I can only wait until blue is in my sights again. 

“LEXAAAA! YOU MADE IT” Octavia yells so loud my eardrums nearly bust. Im so overstimulated by the amount of people here, Im searching hard yet subtly for the owner. I find her on the couch, lips parting and eyes on me all noise cease when she gets up from her seat and approaches 

Once in front of me, I feel warmth. All over me. On my cheeks, in my chest, throughout my skin, I immediately relax under her gaze. A different feeling from how tense I’ve been over the last few weeks. More welcoming and unrestrained, I itch to reach out and hug her. Touch her in a way that lacks innocence, Im ready to succumb to these urges I’ve suppressed

You have to talk to her first

Make sure she knows everything

”Hi” she says as I hand her the wine and she places it on the counter without breaking eye contact

“Hello” I respond hoping I don’t look as insane as I feel. I finally look around at all the inebriated people that have made themselves comfortable in Clarke’s new home. My friends..her friends..they’re not a shy bunch

”I hope Im not..intruding” Im starting to feel out of place here. Maybe because Im the only one sober.

“No..I invited you” she says and i see it. I see her almost grab my hand to pull me somewhere. But she stops herself and places her hands behind her back.

“You’re never gonna get these people out of your house I hope you I know that”

”Yeah I’m now realizing how big of a mistake this is” she lets out a light laugh and my heart responds the way it always has. It skips. It pounds. It drops into my stomach. An organ that does a very bad job at staying in normal sinus rhythm, it only beats to the sound of her voice. I notice her fidgeting, staring down at the floor. She inhales then looks up at me

”Where’s Luna?” I knew it was coming. I knew she’d ask 

“Not coming” I try to answer as plainly as possible

”She’s not?”

”We’re uh..we sort of broke up” 

No. not sort of. We definitely broke up. I dont want her to think this is some ‘break’ and I intend to run back to her after this. I need to be more assertive

”Sort of?”

”We broke up” much better. She nods in understanding, a blank expression I cant quite read. I dont know how I expected her to react to this. I didnt tell anyone but Allie. My friends don’t even know yet. I can spot Anya whispering in Raven’s ear as they not so subtly glance over to where clarke and I are. Clarke and I arent killing each other so maybe that’s why they dont interrupt. Regardless, Im glad they dont 

”Im sorry..are you okay?” She steps closer and oh god. The way my palms sweat, knees nearly collapse and the lump in my throat obstructs my airway, I actually dont think Im okay. I shake my head..not as an answer to her question but a response to my head dizzying. 

“I had to see Allie today” I manage to let out over all the singing on the other side of the room. I want to tell Clarke everything. Tell her why I decided to show in the first place. Why I broke up with Luna. Why I want to start over with her and do this right. Time was never on our side but it never had to be. I just needed her by me. 

“We can go to the backyard- -“

”Miss Woods…Welcome to the party” 

Niylah..Jesus fucking Christ. I straighten my back and raise my chin. I can never had a moment of peace with clarke without having someone interrupting us. Another woman stands behind her, shorter, quieter. She looks at Clarke then at me

”Lexa this is Gaia. She’s the reason everyone is drunk at this house right now” 

“Definitely not” She extends her hand to me and I shake it. This is the one I was semi-threatened by. Just seeing her name on Clarke’s phone made my blood boil for no reason. Especially not when the annoying blonde in front of me is giving Clarke ‘fuck me’ eyes all over again. Gaia was never an issue. It’s always been fucking Niylah.

“Nice to meet you Gaia” I attempt a smile..Im sure anything but is expressed on my face

”Oooooh wine. Did you bring this Lexa?” Niylah asks

”Yes” I answer through clenched teeth

”Good taste” She winks and it takes everything in me not to roll my eyes

”Come, Clarke. Your turn to sing”

”Actually- - “

”No ifs..ands or butts” she wiggles her finger at her and lightly nudges her in Gaia’s direction 

“I’d like to see a duet between you two” she winks and Gaia smiles at clarke. She cant do anything but politely oblige

”One song” Gaia drags Clarke to the TV. Now Im left alone with Niylah. The last person I want to be around

”Drink?” Niylah saunters behind the counter and gestures at all the bottles of alcohol they have

”You look like a whiskey girl” she says and I hate that she knows that

”Tequila” I answer just so I could prove her wrong. But the only loser here is me. I fucking hate tequila

”Whatever you say” she giggles as she pours me a glass 

“So..we should finish our conversation”

”We never had a conversation”

”Oh contrare my friend”

I dont remember any real substance coming from when we saw each other at the restaurant. Just a lot of scowling and..pouting. Were there words actually spoken?

”You know Clarke is one of my dearest friends” 

“Im aware”

I wanted to add an unfortunately there but I stopped myself. Growth

”The time we spent together in Paris..we got really close. We learned a lot about each other”

I hate the way this woman speaks. Like there’s some secret undertone to everything she says and does. I dont remember her being this insufferable when we first met. Success can have a different effect on people. Either make you pretentious and arrogant or choose to be humble and kind. I know which one clarke is. And yes,Iim biased. It’s hard to explain what exactly Niylah does that drives me up the wall. Is it the way she walks? How she speaks with Clarke? How her fingers always find a way to be on Clarke’s skin? How her eyes wander? How she thinks she knows Clarke better than me? The thing is..she probably does. She had the privilege of seeing her everyday. Being in her space. Knowing her routine. All I had that year we were separated? A voicemail. 

”Great” 

“She spoke of you you know?”

I swallow. Goddamit. Like a dog with a bone, I want to know more. Ask questions. But that would actually kill me to see the smug look on her face when she withholds information from me

”It was sad. I hated seeing her hurt. I thought I had given you pretty sound advice when we met at her gallery”

”She left. Regardless of her feelings for me. She did it for her career”

”The right decision if you ask me. But she may think otherwise”

”What?”

”It was difficult. Seeing her upset the first few months there. But it also fueled her art. And no she hasnt made anything as brazen and obvious as those paintings she did of your face” she lets out a small laugh. Just when I thought I got my anger under control thanks to Allie, Im being tested yet again. 

“But still..you were in them. She’ll deny it. But Im not stupid” 

“I just want to know what your intentions with her are” She changes tones. Now serious and firm, she glares at me like I said something that offended her when all I’ve given her was the bare minimum. She doesn’t get to intimidate me 

“I think Clarke deserves to know that answer before you do” 

“Pfft” she laughs 

“She’s been home for how long and you still haven’t made a move. Your obliviousness is tiring lexa” 

“I was in a relationship. I had to handle that first” 

“And did you?”

”Yeah. I did” not that I owe her any explanation, but I like that surprised look on her face. Like she didnt expect me to do anything about my feelings  

“Well good. You better hurry up and make your move then before someone else does” she says smugly and at first I thought she was talking about Gaia because her eyes shift to the two singing. Nothing overtly flirty. I actually sense..nothing from the two. A friendship at most but no romance whatsoever and that could mean nothing considering all I got was a first impression. But I see Clarke smile and twirl Gaia and it doesnt piss me off. Nothing about their closeness with each other is making me mad but you know what is? The way Niylah’s face softens. Her eyes glued on Clarke and only Clarke. Niylah plays this gaudy, chic princess that travels without a care in the world. All business and play, she puts off the persona that she despises anything mundane and predictable. If that was the case, how come I can see the longing on her face with every picture they took together? The yearning in her eyes while she watches her friend dance? I know the expression well. Because I had it. HAVE it. And maybe we’re more alike than Id like to admit 

”You had your chance in Paris”

”I did.. and I took it” she places her cup down and stares straight at me. I didn’t expect that answer. I didn’t want an answer now that I think of it 

“I tried. We tried. It never got past the physical” 

“The… physical?” 

No

No

No

”You two slept together??” I question just as the song ends so that everyone can hear. Clarke turns her head, clear dismay on my face. She shoves the microphone into Gaia’s chest and approaches me

All I see is red

No blue

No yellow

Just blood

Scarlet

Crimson

”Lexa - -“

Im gone before I can hear anything else 

Chapter Text

I dont want to be singing right now but I am. I mean I bought and closed this house in three weeks. That’s gotta be a record timing. It’s gorgeous and suits me. Im finally getting to a place where Im comfortable and I shouldnt have any complaints. Okay maybe this over eccentric mood didnt come out of nowhere. Lexa and Luna broke up and I didnt get into much detail about it because my guests were expecting me to participate so this one song is all I have in me. Since you been gone. That’s the song I chose and lord knows why when Kelly Clarkson’s voice is completely out of my range but it doesnt matter when everyone’s dancing and singing along with you. Everyone but Niylah and Lexa who appear to be having a civil conversation in my kitchen. Appear being key word because you never know with Niylah. Her ability to push people can be mistaken as..threatening at times. She doesnt really care for your feelings when she’s trying to make a point and I’ve already seen her interact with Lexa in this way. Lexa hates it. She doesnt like to be provoked. She’s always does things on her own time which has been a problem for us. For our story. But I digress because she’s here. She showed up to my house..single.. with a housewarming gift. That’s gotta mean something right? I mean I dont want to be the rebound. Look at me getting ahead of myself again. Maybe she doesnt want me like that. She’s simply showing up because her friends are here. God I gotta stop calling them her friends when technically they’re our friends now. Our lives are entangled whether we like it or not. 

When is this song gonna end

I swear it wasnt this long before

What could those two be possibly talking about

Lexa looks mad. But that’s not necessarily new. Niylah talks like they’re best friends, smiling, hands waving like she’s telling a story and Lexa could not look less enthused. And Niylah knows. She knows shes probably annoying Lexa but she doesnt care. I just hope they dont talk about me. I know that’s probably impossible but still.

The high note’s coming up. The one only Kelly Clarkson could reach and that means this song is almost over and I can finally go and talk to Lexa about her break-up. Is it shitty of me to feel so relieved? I know Lexa’s probably hurting but they had to have broken up for a reason. It’s just a matter of who ended it. If it was Luna and Lexa was depressed, I dont think she would've showed up at her..what am I an ex?..whatever…her ex’s house warming party. 

It’s almost over

I can go talk to her after

What am I gonna say?

Tell me what happened?

Are you sad? 

Do you still love me- -

“You two slept together??” 

I didnt know this house was made for singers because the way people’s voices bounce off the walls, you would think we were in an auditorium. I heard her loud and clear. Everyone did actually because no one picks the next song. No one moves. Their attention on either me or Lexa who looks at me for confirmation that yes..Niylah and I had hooked up. 

“Lexa- -“

I dont even see her move. Like a storm, I hear the thunder before I see the lightning. The slamming of my door. The flash of brunette hair. She’s gone and I dont think twice before walking towards Niylah to ask her what the fuck happened

”You told her?” I dont think she’s ever seen me angry before. But Niylah looks down apologetic at me, her hand reaching for mine but I immediately pull away

”I didnt mean it to be vindictive Clarke”

”You had no right to do that!”

”Maybe not…but it still happened” She says quietly. She looks down at me, a heavy heart weighs on her. Her feelings for me remain unspoken but it doesnt mean they’re not obvious. She waits for me to silently reject her..like I’ve done so many times before but Raven comes between us and Niylah turns around to pour herself a drink

”Are you guys okay?”

”Yeah..I uh..I need to go talk to Lexa” I look around the room. Some having side conversations. Others pretending they didnt witness drama unfold in front of their eyes. Fuck it

“Raven do me a favor please. Make sure everyone’s safe tonight. I dont care if they crash here. I just..I have to handle this” 

“I’LL BE BACK EVERYONE” 

No jacket. Just my phone and keys. I have a lot of people I need to explain myself to but Lexa takes priority right now. Im hoping she went home. I mean where else would she go? It’s not long before I pull up and see her garage is open. She’s putting her helmet away as she sees me swerve into her driveway. I jump out of my car and Lexa stands there shell-shocked that Im here

”What’re you doing here?”

”I came after you”

”Why?“

”Because you ran out of my house!”

I dont even know how Im supposed to begin this conversation. Did I ever plan on telling Lexa that I slept with Niylah? No. It just didnt seem like information that was necessary to divulge. I mean Lexa was in a whole other relationship so why cant I be mad about that?

”I just..I needed to be alone. Coming over was a mistake” she shakes her head like she’s trying to shake the thoughts of me and Niylah out of her head

”No it wasnt. There was a reason you came. Why did you?” When she doesnt speak, I seek answers in those green orbs that have spoken to me once or twice. They dilate, they suck me, they engulf me but Lexa shuts them as a way to stop the process from happening. She turns around and paces

“I cant do this, Clarke”

”You cant be mad at me for sleeping with someone while I was in Paris”

”I know!.. You dont think I know that?!” She answers, pain and anguish in her voice when she fights the urge to come closer

”I have no reason to be fucking mad. I was in a relationship. We were in different countries. This…anger I feel. It makes no goddamn sense” She starts. Her anger is completely involuntary. I’ve asked myself so many times how can I find someone I connect with the same way I did with Lexa? How can someone make me feel seen and worshiped like she did? Where in Paris can I go to clone Lexa’s genes and pretend I have the original? Nowhere. Technology hasnt come that far. And if Im being real, Lexa could never ever be replicated. 

”And you know what else makes no sense? That I still feel this way for you after all this time! How the fuck do I get over you Clarke?” 

As if I have the answer to that, Im in the same sinking boat. I havent been able to get over Lexa after sleeping with Niylah. Not after living with her. Not after she treated me well and supported me. Im starting to wonder if there’s some secret spell I was put under that Lexa cast over me. Did she conjure up a witch and learn how to bind our hearts together? Did she know we’d be living life in misery if we didnt end up together? She searches for answers. Begging to find a reason for why we’re this way. But Im as deep in this hole as she is 

”It’s been a year..over actually. And I was with someone else who was good for me and still I… I couldnt get you out of my head. I looked at her and wished she was you. I kissed her and hoped I could taste your lips. I touched her and closed my eyes so i could envision you…” 

God I havent been able to speak because Lexa’s rambling and confessing but I..I want to hear more. I want to know the pain she’s been through and compare it to mine because we have both been suffering. Wishing. Wondering. And she makes me feel less crazy for all the days I spent thinking of her. The minutes, the hours, the months. She was my first thought when I woke up and last before I fell asleep. I should tell her. I should definitely - -

“And that makes me a terrible person”

”No it doesnt”

”Yes it does Clarke! I strung Luna along just to treat her like shit then break up with her” she leans against her bike, her body language telling me to stay away but also come closer

”This cant be healthy..the way I feel about you. I have to figure out a way to get over- -“

”No. You dont” I step closer. Hope she doesnt push me away. I have to take the leap even if it means rejection is a possibility but there cant be anymore hidden feelings between us. The resistance, the protesting, the evading. There’s nowhere to run this time. I have her trapped between me and her motorcycle and this is probably the only time I’ll be able to get any of this out. So I suck in my pride, my fears and stay. 

”This is stupid, Clarke” She whispers, tears threatening to escape

”What is? Us?” I press my eyebrows together, her lips pursed shut

”No..what’s stupid is us pushing each other away a year ago..before I left” I start

”But- -“

”Let me finish Lexa”

”At first I was mad you didnt call. You didnt even try to stop me. And who knows if I would’ve stayed for you. I never got the option to choose because you made that decision for me. And I know I cant blame you for letting me go. For just moving on with your life but I was so angry because I thought it was so easy for you Lexa. I waited by the phone. Looked at plane tickets everyday when I got to Paris. I looked on your social media…and nothing. I was forcing myself to be upset because being pissed off is so much easier than being sad. But every fucking day I craved your presence only to be outraged by your absence. So I just wallowed in these conflicting emotions for weeks until I became numb and took it out on my art” 

I have been holding that in for fucking ever. It feels good to let it all out but with Lexa’s lack of response, I start to second guess myself. Was this too much for someone riding this emotional rollercoaster? But when else am I supposed to confess how I really felt about leaving and going to Paris? This was my one and only chance

”And yeah..Niylah and I…we slept together but..it went nowhere after. I wont apologize for that. It wouldnt be fair to her or me. I dont regret the relationship I had with Niylah. She means something to me…” I say and she winces 

”But so do you. You are..you’re everything Lexa” I watch her swallow, her piercing gaze penetrating the walls in my heart. 

“I learned a lot about myself while I was gone..” I grab her hands, shaking and clammy..but I hold them in mine

”I learned that Im bisexual. Not just a one and done kind of woman”

”I learned that I miss snow. It didnt snow over there..just rained. It really depressed me on most days” I say with a chuckle and Lexa smiles

“I learned that the pastries in America are absolutely nothing compared to the kind in Europe yet I chose to come back to mediocrity anyway because..”

“Well because you’re here” I intertwine our fingers and she lets me

”I learned that home..isnt a place. It’s wherever you are. And I…”

oh god

say it

say it

say it

”I love you, Lexa” 

I did it.. oh my god I did it. Each second that passes where there’s nothing but silence actually kills me. How ironic that when Lexa confessed her feelings for me, I had just dealt with Finn and now on the same day she broke up with someone, Im doing the same thing. We really need to take a class on the appropriate timing of confessions but now I understand the inability to hold back love. Because these three words have been on the tip of my tongue since she was in the hospital. I wanted to tell her when she was asleep, but what good would that do if she didnt hear me? So then I thought about telling her while we watched TV together. An act so simple and innocent, it’s the exact opposite of our relationship to each other. Complicated and intense is how we’ve always functioned. So no I held back. Waited for the right moment. And just when I thought it would never come..that it just wasnt in the cards for us.. here I am..in her garage. Putting my heart on the line again for her. Frozen and blue, her hands fight hard to warm me but it’s the fire in our hearts that continue to set this whole place ablaze.  

“Clarke…” I think she says my name. It was so quiet. So minuscule..maybe it’s actually my imagination making up a word because now the silence is actually uncomfortable. Was I wrong to tell her this way? To basically push her in a corner and force her to listen to me? So many thoughts in that head of hers that I see swirling yet she doesnt share them with me. Her gaze shifts between mine and I slowly feel her fingers slipping. God did I fuck this whole thing up?

”I..Clarke I need a minute” She lets go of my hands and she disappears inside her house. Now Im left with my own company..the voices in my head laughing at me for even attempting this romantic gesture. I mean showing up at her house after she ran away? Then confessing that Im in love with her in the darkness of this cold night? Im an idiot. I should’ve done the responsible thing. Let her be. Let us think. Talk in the morning after the high intensity of emotions have dissipated. 

Just when I think I’ve failed at this weak attempt to get Lexa back, I turn around and notice a few boxes against the wall with the name of my gallery stamped on the front.

”What the..” of course I walk up to them, pushing away the clutter that blocks the entire view. The canvases are still in plastic. Wrapped and in perfect condition. Something is telling me I shouldnt be snooping but an entirely larger part is screaming at me to rip the outer casing apart so that I can fall apart all over again. But I dont need to. Not when i can spot the color mixtures from a mile away. Not when the de ja vu from each brush stroke is hitting me like a freight train. Not when the details are just as vivid as the day I painted them. Every emotion from a year ago resurfaces and impales me. The first time I saw her. The intrigue I felt when she first spoke. How an entire world blossomed as soon as she kissed me. The emotions. The confusion. The resistance. The realization.

The The first box…

She

My heart stops. No.. no this isnt real. I pull the second box out

Garden of Needing

That’s..that mine…well it’s hers…. The third and final box

FALLEN

I nearly stumble back. Harper told me an anonymous buyer bought these. I didnt think I’d ever see them again. I had made my peace with it. Knowing that I made the decision to part ways with these paintings like I parted ways with Lexa. I wanted to keep one but I there was no way I could’ve chosen between the three so I let them all go and hoped whoever decided to purchase one would choose them all. I didnt ask Harper too many questions about the buyer. She just told me one person decided to get them and I was grateful.  The buyer..it was Lexa this whole time? How did Harper not know? How did I not know. The door swings open and she’s wiping at her eyes with a tissue when she sees my paintings of her out of their boxes. 

She stops in her tracks when she sees them laid out across the wall. Like she was caught red-handed, I could see her trying to think of a way to get out of this. To lie. To tell me she didnt buy them. 

“You..have them” I finally break the silence because if I dont we’ll stand here staring at each other until the sun rises. She finally moves herself to be next to me and admire the paintings like she did in my gallery that night

”How could I not Clarke?”

”Why?”

“Why did I buy them?”

”Or a better question would be..how?”

”Well I have money - -“

”No Lexa. Not that. I would’ve recognized your name as the buyer. Im sure Harper would’ve told me”

She exhales and turns to face me

”My neighbor. Asked her to do me a favor” 

Smart. She didnt have to explain further. We go back to staring at quite possibly my favorite paintings I ever created. The trio. The trifecta of emotions that all equate to how I felt about Lexa are here and that has to mean something

”A far as why..”

”They’re me. I had to have them. No matter the cost”

”You paid a lot for them”

”It didnt matter. They’re priceless” 

“If you had told me- - “

”That I wanted to buy them you’d just give them to me?”

”No. but I would’ve definitely given you a discount” I joke and she smiles that barely-there smile that makes my heart drum

”This was my way..of keeping you close even when you werent” She swallows, her voice so timid and quiet that I know it took everything in her to admit that

”I kept them in their boxes because they were still hard to look at..I’d think about you all the time but when I looked at these paintings all those feelings..they’d come back tenfold and it hurt. It was painful but sometimes I’d welcome the pain because feeling nothing was worse. I felt..broken. Hollow for a while after you left. The only time I could feel was when Id sit and admire what you did of me. They reminded me that I wasnt this shell of a person. That Im made of something. There’s substance to me..and that’s how you saw me”

”You knew me. Saw beyond the exterior. I fell in love with how you saw the world..how you saw me” 

“We were in a point at our lives where everything was difficult. You had gone through a divorce. I was thinking about my age and how I never took anything seriously. I didnt care about anything or anyone really. Anya, Linc and O were all I had and even they were tired of my shit”

Lexa is the only thing I saw after my divorce. I walked with my head down counting the cracks in the ground. I couldnt see any color in front of me. Just that dreary grey and pitch black that consumed me. The more time we spent together, the less dead I felt. Slowly but surely rising from the ashes of my failed relationship, lexa revived me in a way no one else could. And I wish..god I wish I was able to return those feelings she had for me. It would’ve made everything so simple if I had just opened myself up a little more and let her in. But how could I when my version of love was my ex-husband and I living blandly. Comfortably. No affection just the security in what we’ve lived with for years, finding out he was cheating wasnt even the worst part of it. It was realizing that I spent all those years with him and ‘love’ was nowhere to be found. So I had to go to therapy and figure out what was missing. How I could be me without someone else. What I wanted in a relationship. Lexa was stuck in the crossfire of needs and wants and I didnt want to lose myself in another again. Not when I still havent found who i was. So admitting I was in love with her back then? Impossible. And she was hurt because of it. I didnt agree with how we separated but I understood it. I understood that she needed time away just as much as I wanted to continue talking to her. I just couldnt be selfish. I couldnt ask her to keep in touch with me knowing she was hurting when I couldnt love her back. Not yet at least. And now here I am. Ready and willing..hoping Lexa’s feelings for me arent too far off from mine because I can’t imagine being away from her again

”I’ve always thought having feelings would make me weak..”

”I just went about my life..surviving. Not thinking anything of it”

”Well maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Dont we deserve better than that?” I question and Lexa looks at me with all these thoughts swirling in her head. I can visibly see the wheels turning. The doubts coming to light. But she also stops and thinks before answering me. Before denying me. I’ll stand here all day waiting if it means she gives me an answer she’s actually thought through 

”Maybe we do”

“I love you. I still love you” Lexa reveals and I didnt think it was possible to not breathe for this long. A sob escape me, tears start flowing and my arms find themselves wrapped around her. My lips search for the regret but there is none. Lexa kisses me with the fervor of someone who’s found water after a long hike in the desert. Relief and salvation coats our skin, her grip on me is strong. If I thought her touch was electric before, Im sure a brown out is expected soon because we’re about to blow all the power lines in the area

”I love you Lexa” 

“Say it again” She lifts me up, my legs wrap around her waist 

“I love you. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long”

”Then why didnt you?” She takes me inside and lays me down on the couch. God the view is beautiful. Lexa hovering over me. The ends of her hair tickling my skin. She strokes my cheek, her eyes boring into me. I may paint for a living but Lexa is art in its most palpable form. 

“You were with someone. I was trying to be a good person by leaving you alone but no matter what I did the feelings never went away”

“Even in Paris?”

”God..especially in Paris” I let out a sad laugh

”I saw you in everything I did Lexa. There was a flower shop that I lived close by to and every time I walked past it, I swore you were in there. Just smelling the flowers. Admiring the petals. Naming each sub species” 

“But it was never you..just a figment of my imagination”

Her fingers against my skin leaves a trail of goosebumps. From my neck to my chest, down my arms and in the pit of my stomach, she’s the only one that’s ever been able to make me feel like gravity doesnt exist. Like there’s nothing beneath me..just her holding me up. She has this power that I swear she knows she has but would never take advantage of it because Id easily succumb to any request she asks of me. All I’d need is a kiss, a simple graze of my cheek and I’d kneel before her. Go to war for her. Fight every supernatural being if it means she was the prize at the end. 

“I’ve missed you so much, Clarke” She whispers

“Im sorry I didnt go after you when you left”

”You dont have to apologize for that. Maybe it’s what we needed. Yes, it sucked. It was agony every second I was away from you. But..I came back. I always knew I would”

”I had no idea if you would..”

”I was terrified you’d left forever ..but also terrified youd come back. It was a lose lose situation because how on earth could we be in the same city together and me be with anyone but you? Like you were across the world and you never escaped my mind” she kisses the tip of my nose and I melt 

“So I tried to move on. I really did”

”I know Lexa and that’s okay”

“I knew you were with someone..Raven told me but…there was always that small glimmer of hope I had for us..whether it would be a month from now..a year..a few years. However long it took, I just knew I’d always feel something for you no matter who you were with” 

“And god you keep ending up with these stunning women..I would always think I fucked up my chance”

“Id choose you in every life time, Clarke” She confesses without hesitation and my heart beats the syllables of her name. How can Lexa love me so much? How can she be so sure? Because the women she’s dated are actually..great. And I dont see in myself what she sees in me. It makes me feel..guilty. Lexa keeps choosing me over these gorgeous women that I hold no candle to. What if shes making a mistake? That after all we’ve been through, we dont even last and she regrets her decision to choose me every single time

”Im responsible for messing things up for myself..for not answering your calls or texts. For not giving you the time of day. Maybe if I had just done that- -“

”Dont do that to yourself Lexa”

”No because what if i had asked you to stay..with me?”

She says and if she had asked with the way she’s looking at me now, I would have done absolutely anything she told me to. Stay? Build a life with her? Throw all my paintings in my gallery away and replace them with versions of her. Every single one, a master piece worth millions, I’d never sell and I’d eventually go broke. What a nice thought to have, but unrealistic at that because even if Lexa had asked me to stay..iI would’ve thought it over. I really would have. But this was my career. Everything I worked so hard for. A once in a lifetime opportunity. Maybe i wouldn’t have stayed but we would have tried..the long distance thing? At least kept in touch.or better yet….

”What if I had asked you to come with me?” I counter and Lexa’s eyes widen because this is something she probably hadnt thought of. I smile at her reaction 

“It would’ve been temporary cause I know you have your business here but..it would’ve been you and me..in Paris”

I imagine us sipping lattes on our balcony. Admiring the lights of the Eiffel Tower at night. While Im at work, Lexa could do anything she wanted. Explored. Come up with new tattoo designs. Used Paris as inspiration. I’d come home to her on the couch laying there in sweats and her hair up in a messy bun. I doubt everyday would be perfect. She’d see the frustration from work get to me. Im sure we’d argue about stupid irrelevant things. But at the end of the day, Lexa and I would be together. My feelings for her would grow and I know I could get to where i am now. So irrevocably in love that it takes over my entire being. 

“I would’ve gone anywhere with you” She whispers, her breath tickling my neck and I cant do anything but grip onto her hips

”as long as Niylah wasnt living with us” She blurts out, that cute crinkle in between her eyebrows telling me she’s joking around but also serious at the same time 

“Oh my god” I laugh as she places kisses on my neck. When she stops to look at me, I see a question on the tip of her tongue

“She told me you tried…like to be together”

“I..I thought it’d be easier. To return her feelings but I just couldnt do it. We slept together and thats it. We remained friends. It didnt go further” I tell her and she swallows 

“Why not?”

”You” 

“You were in everything I did. Just lingering in the back of my mind. How could I possibly be with someone else when all I wanted was you by my side?” I say as I caress her cheek. She melts into my palm. I bring her closer so our lips connect

”I love you Lexa Woods. Dont you get that already?” I breathe against her and she deepens our kiss. My hands search for skin but my heart yearns for this connection. To completely mold my body against hers, I dont want to let go. Never again. Her fingers find the hem of my shirt, her nails leaving a path of secrets I want to expose. My kisses being the key to unlock said secrets, my teeth graze her neck as she lifts my top over my head. Just like the first time we were intimate, her eyes widen when she sees my chest. She licks her lips and stares at me like a lion stalking its prey. That glint in her eye, her nails digging into my sides, I feel my breathing pick up as i wrap my legs around her. 

“Lets go to my room” 

“What do you have against this couch?” I keep her pinned against me

”Absolutely nothing. But I want you comfortable”

”And do you you know what I want?” I nibble on her throat, she vibrates against me. I continue my teasing until she can speak again  

“Tell me”

”I want you..underneath me. Pinned against any soft surface in this house. I dont care where we are. I want you in every way shape and form, Lexa” I lean up so we’re in a seated position, my legs straddling her hips. She’s against the cushions just looking up at me in wonder like she’s seeing me in a different light. She’s always had this expression of awe that I never quite understood. As if she doesnt believe Im here or Im real. Her hands tremble when they touch me. Her eyes shimmer, her throat bobs. I am so in love with this woman

When we kiss, I wonder how I was able to go this long without her lips. My god, like a bed of clouds, so soft and delicate yet a storm raging underneath, I can feel her holding back. Feel her resisting the need to press for more but Im not that shy and confused girl she met over a year ago. I know what i want. I know lexa’s driving me crazy at this moment with the slow pace she’s setting. I know she’s making me so unbelievably wet, Im squirming in her lap. I. Need. More

”you know what…” I whisper against her lips

”Your bed doesnt sound like such a bad idea after all” 

She doesnt question me. Instead using her strong legs to lift us both up, she leads us to her room down the hall. Once inside, she places me on her bed, so soft and gentle I almost didnt feel the mattress beneath me. I wont lie..there’s a part of me that wants lexa to let go a little bit. Lose control. Take me like she has once before. But this time, I want her to know Im not fragile. She wont break me if she gets rough. I think she just needs a little..motivation. So maybe I bite her lip, pull her closer to me. Almost tear her shirt off. I spin her around so Im on top and she looks surprised but slow isnt what I want right now

Passion

Need

Heat

”Im in control tonight”  

Chapter Text

Pinch me

Beat me over the head with a stick

Throw a bucket of water over my head

This can not be real. Everything Ive manifested, everyday I’ve thought about her, every stupid decision I’ve made has amounted to this moment right here. Clarke on me, gazing down at my paralyzed state as her hands tease the waist band of my jeans. I feel the pop of the button, hear each tooth of the zipper as she slides it down. My heart beat is in my ears. My fingers have lost all its feeling. And I dont think Im breathing anymore. I feel like one wrong move and Clarke will realize the mistake she’s making. That she’s just acting off pure lust right now and Im not actually what she wants. So I keep my composure..well that’s more of an overstatement. Im definitely panicking and I dont know if she can tell

”Lex?“

”Yes”

”Are you okay?”

Oh okay she can definitely tell

”Yes..Im..Im great” My voice cracks and I thought that did it. I thought I ruined the mood with the unattractive way I answered her question. She stops her movements, her hand coming up to rest against my cheek. 

“Are you sure”

”I am..I’m…just..nervous??” Oh Jesus Christ, I couldnt have butchered that more. Who the hell wants to have sex with someone so skittish and apprehensive? I’ve always used my confidence to my advantage. Made sure to let the woman I’m with know Im about to rock their fucking world. I’d tease, edge, make them beg. But here I am now..turning blue because i havent taken a breath in what feels like 10 minutes. My hands cant stop shaking. And I. Cant. Fucking. Move.

”Baby”

That is not the way to get me to wake up from this coma Im in because Im pretty sure my heart just fucking detonated in my chest. I felt the ticking, the push of the button and the boom. How dare she call me anything but my actual name knowing that I’d crumble, fall apart, break as soon as my brain processes the pet name. If I wasnt frozen before, Im frost bite now. Any sort of movement and I’ll crack..break off into this eternal cycle into embarrassment and redemption 

”It’s okay” she whispers against my neck

”You dont have to do anything. Let me take care of you for once” 

I shut my eyes, Clarke not bothering to ask me a second time if Im alright. The answer would be no. Im not. My brain and my body living on two different planes, I dont understand why she’s always had this effect on me. After all this time, she’s still the one that controls all the moves. All my breaths. The pace of my heart. She continues her assault on my neck and I moan, my legs spreading wider which means Im finally..finally..catching up to her. They buck and she holds me down, she bites and I nearly break skin from how hard Im gripping her. She rolls her hips and I want more. I need more. She is everything and anything I’ve always wanted and I have her. She has me. I feel the electrical impulses bring me back to life as she ignites the match that was always there but chose to ignore since she came back. Impossible task when I’d feel the sting and attempt to extinguish the light whenever she was around. Whether it was through her eyes, reading me like I was the most intense chapter in a book. Or her touch, a singe and brand with something as insignificant as an accidental bump, fire has always been a common denominator between us no matter how hard we tried to snuff out the flames. Now rising, the air turning dense with every simple movement of Clarke grinding her hips on me, I still cant breathe but at the same time I’ve never felt more oxygen enter my lungs in my life. Shes searching for more skin, more heat, more..fire. I unhook her bra, my fingers remembering that this is why evolution took place. Touching, teasing, grasping onto Clarke with all the strength I have. I cant stop the way they explore. 

“Fuck, Clarke” 

“I want you..every part of you Lexa” She lifts my shirt over my head. The millisecond we separate, too long for me. But finally we’re skin on skin. I can feel her heart beat, every drum and sneer playing a melody I’m familiar with because it’s my favorite tune. We’re in sync, together, our respirations matching and racing heart beating faster as our bodies succumb to their natural instincts. Once my jeans are off, my underwear next, Clarke starts to make her way down and oh fuck I dont know if I’ll be able to handle what she has to offer me. The first time we made love, Clarke didnt reciprocate which was 10000% okay because she was inexperienced. She was new to this whole thing. I wanted her to feel comfortable. Safe. Secure. But now..time has passed. Insecurities relinquished. We are one and I dont need to tell her what to do

Lips on my thighs, nails stamping half moons everywhere she grips, the anticipation being the most agonizing and erotic thing I’ve ever endured, I can feel the ghost of her breath. Just enough of it that Im finding it difficult to stay still. To not beg and I do not fucking beg. But with Clarke… I cant help it. There’s a craving I have for her that’s never been fulfilled. That incomplete, frustrating, unsatisfied nagging deep down in the confines of my stomach always there reminding me that I was just filling the void. Being with whomever to get over the one I truly want to be with. And no it never worked. I started to wonder if this was going to be my life forever. Just living in this cycle of resentment. It was all my fault anyway. I had left Anya’s cousin for her after countless threats. Allie had told me to not hit on any of her clients and that warning alone was enough for my arrogance to win once I stumbled upon someone attractive. And that someone happened to be a straight woman. A straight woman who had just gone through a divorce. But because Im so stubborn, I listened to no one. The sheer curiosity of learning about who Clarke was calling to me in a way no one ever has. So it should be no surprised that I fell in love and stayed in love at that. Imagine my surprise when Clarke came back and she was still single. Clarke Griffin? More than just a successful artist, she has a heart of gold. Kind. Sweet. Beautiful. My version of perfection, I accept what she calls flaws but they’re what make her real. Not a fictional character I made up in my mind. And now I can touch her. Kiss her. I dont have to fear losing her because we’ve finally accepted this for what it is. Inevitable 

“You’re driving me crazy”

”Good”

”No not good” I bite my lip to stop the moans because it’s embarrassing how long i am from just her touch alone

”Tell me what you want me to do to you then”

”You know what”

”I wanna hear you say it”

Of course she does because she has now transformed into this sex goddess that knows exactly what to do. I try not to think about whatever experience she shared with Niylah. That would ruin my mood real quick. But maybe it was..helpful? Oh god I never thought I’d admit that. Ew what am I even thinking? Let’s not talk about this anymore. Let’s focus on the fact that I have a hot blonde between my legs. Piercing eyes waiting and willing, she wants to hear me talk and even if Im not a fan of my voice, I’ll do whatever it takes to turn her on

”I want your tongue”

”Between my legs”

”Slow at first”

“Licking me..up and down..driving me crazy”

”And just when you think I cant handle anymore”

”I want you to dip your tongue inside of me”

I run my hand through her hair, the arousal on her face almost enough to make me climax. She licks her lips and spreads me wider. She hooks my leg around her shoulder and holy fuck does she look good like this. Desire written on her face, thirst coating her lips with every lick she tries to moisten them, I know she’s ready and so am I

The first swipe of her tongue almost ruined me. Destroyed me. And that is so amateur of me to say. One lick and orgasm already? Come on, Lexa you could hold out a little longer

“You taste so good”

or maybe I cant. Her voice is husky. Low. Seduction dripping just like I am. Im trying to think of anything but Clarke eating me out right now because I want this to last. I want to keep feeling her licking me. Sucking on my clit. Vibrating her mouth against my core. I want this feeling to last forever but my body is so attuned to every move she makes, I know I wont be able to hold out

”Jesus”

”How’s it feel baby..talk to me”

Jesus Christ. Im gonna die. Combust. Who knew Clarke was so vocal?

“You look so fucking good like this” Her unwavering eye contact making me wet with arousal

”Your tongue feels amazing”

As a commander in the bedroom, I love when someone responds to me like this. With the same fervor and heat as what Im giving them. Clarke pulls me closer, my back arches. She knows how to work her tongue to edge me but not bring me over. I have to think this is just coming naturally to her. Not that she spent the whole year in Paris…learning. 

“Faster” I breathe, my chest rising up and down. Her hand finds my breast and squeezes. I place my palm over hers. I love the feeling of her exploring me. I want her fingerprints burned into me. For her touch to be forever scorched in my skin. A tattoo isnt permanent enough. I want her to scar me.  The moons on my skin to stay embedded. We’d create a solar system with the markings alone. 

“Oh my god you’re gonna make me cum”

She latches onto my clit and slides two fingers inside of me. She watches my reaction, the way I scream. How I throw my head back as she thrusts into me like she’s trying to reach my heart but she’s already crossed that line when we first made eye contact. 

“FUCK” My orgasm rips through me and Clarke doesnt stop. The silent scream from my throat cutting off my airway until I settle down from this high, she continues until I’ve had enough. But when will I ever have enough of Clarke? Never. The answer is never. When she sees my back relax into the bed, she takes her fingers out and makes sure Im watching her when she sucks them clean. I felt another orgasm creep up watching her. She climbs on top of me and kisses me. Presses her body into mine. This is only the beginning of the night but I need a few minutes to recover. There’s a silence in the room that takes over. Only sound is her breaths, my heart hammering and the ruffling of the sheets underneath us as Clarke shifts to lay next to me. I want to say something. Tell her that was amazing. That she’s perfect. That I dont ever want to be separated from her ever again. But everything I want to say gets caught in my throat. She probably thinks Im regretting it so I need to speak up

Just tell her you love her again

Or maybe drink some water first

No

Talking is definitely the way to go right now

So tell her 

Just say anything

What’s wrong with you

Why cant you talk

she’s waiting hellooo??

”I love water” 

What the fuck

”What?” She turns her head 

“I mean you..I love you” 

“Are you thirsty?” She lays on her side

”No..I mean yes..I was thinking about water..and you..and I dont know how that happened”

I have never in my life felt more idiotic than at this moment. The two brain cells I have left didnt work hard enough because all I had to do is say three words and not fuck any of them up. But no. No. No. No. 

“Would you like me to get you some water” She smiles and if my mouth wasnt dry before….

”No” I lie and Clarke knows

”I’ll be right back” She kisses my cheek before getting up and walking to my kitchen

This gives me a moment to think or get it together at least. Clarke should be used to my babbling by now. For the first time ever I think that maybe just maybe this will work out. Something in my love life is going right and there’s nothing buzzing in the back of my mind that any of this is wrong. The woman I love loves me back and its..simple. No drama. No ‘what ifs’. She’s just here..and here to stay. Usually there’s the voice in the back of my mind telling me that this wont work out. And ‘enjoy it for now.’ ‘This is temporary.’ ‘You’re gonna fuck this up’.’ But it’s actually..quiet. silent. The voices in my head have actually shut the hell up

”Here, love” Clarke comes back with a bottle of water and cookie between her teeth

”You raided my pantry” 

“Raided is a strong word for someone who only has bread and cookies stocked”

”I mean arent those the essentials?” I ask and she laughs before laying back on my chest. I feel her fingers tracing hearts on my stomach.  In my usual hectic state and chaotic mind, Ive never really known peace like this. Laying in bed with my brain essentially off and nothing but the sounds of our synchronized breathing filling up the room, I feel the calmness of the air surround us. I want to know every thought she has. How she feels after what we just did. 

“How are you feeling?” As if she could read my mind, she beats me to the punch 

“Im fantastic” I weave my fingers through her hair and feel her exhale. This has gotta be heaven. Both of us, the most relaxed we’ve ever been

”How about you?”

She lifts her head to look at me before answering. The smile on her face something I want ingrained in my head forever. The blue in her eyes sparkle. Her skin glows. She’s such a sight to behold.  

“I want this to last” she whispers 

“And I know that’s crazy to say after everything but I dont want to be away from you again, Lexa” 

“Does that scare you?”

A woman telling me she wants me long-term? Yes that would usually scare the shit out of me. I would be up and through the door if I heard that come out of any other person’s mouth. But not Clarke. It brings me comfort. Hope. This is what I’ve wanted and needed my whole life. Reciprocation. I never thought Id get there. Feel love and get it at the same time but now that I have I dont want anything else. She could be offered a job across the world again and I’d follow. She could tell me she wants to live off the grid and I’d sell all my things. As long as I have her, I have everything 

“No”

”Not in the slightest” I answer and she leans up to kiss me. A kiss that lingers. A kiss that deepens. A kiss she moans into and it wakes me up. Shocks me like I dove into a body of water with an electrical cord floating in it. I flip her over, she wraps her legs around me and I immediately latch onto her neck. My teeth sink, she yells. She wants more and Im willing to give her the most

”Fuck, Lexa”

”How wet are you, Clarke?”

”Why dont you find out?”

Her legs spread, open and waiting. My fingers glide through her folds and god is she absolutely dripping. My mouth waters, her pants increasing as I make my way down. I watch the way her chest rises, how her breath hitches. I dont want to miss any sort of reaction she has to me touching her. A movie I’ll keep rewinding, I continue to find out what makes her tic. What makes her toes curl. What makes her back arch. I could use my usual moves, what I know every single girl loves. But Clarke isnt just any single girl. I dont care to use what I know to make her climax. I want to study her body the same way a client explains what they want tattoo’d on themselves. In detail. With their imagination. I kiss her pelvic bone and she inhales. I trail my tongue towards her belly button and she bites her lip. I rub slow circles between her legs and feel the way she moves in sync with me. 

“Oh god” her eyes are shut but I want to see those pretty blues darken

”Let me see you” 

She looks down at me, our eyes never wavering. Who will be the first to look away? You’d think this is uncomfortable. The eye contact. The attention. But never have I ever been so aroused in my life watching this woman nod like Im doing something right. My lips against her thighs, my tongue drawing hearts on her skin. She feels everything as the anticipation visibly drives her mad

”Stop teasing me” Just a hint of her eyes rolling back when she feels the tip of my tongue flick against her, I smile when she groans

”Lexa”

”Clarke”

”Fuck me or I’ll do it myself”

That was enough incentive. It’s hard to describe how amazing Clarke tastes. Nothing compares. No one even comes close. A delicacy a person only experiences once in their life, Im lucky enough to bask in it for a second time. She is liquid gold on my tongue, delectable and addictive. I never want to stop. I reach up and squeeze at a plump breast, the volume of her moans increasing. I dont want her to hold back. I want every bit of her release in my mouth. My tongue circles her clit, her thighs clamp my head. She runs her fingers through my hair and tugs

”Holy shit” She groans and bows her back

”Dont stop”

You dont have to tell me twice. You didnt even have to tell me once. The world could be on fire outside and I’d be fine with my place crumbling as long as Im between her legs when it happens. Doomsday or a rebirth of what Clarke and I are? We’re starting anew and the past is exactly what it is. I slowly insert two fingers in her and Clarke takes it upon herself to roll her hips harder, deeper so I find the spot that makes her eyes roll. She is so unbelievably sexy, it’s hard to comprehend that she’s actually mine. That shes not someone I concocted in my mind. Perfect body. Blue eyes. Blond hair. Sweet lips. Contagious laugh. Kind heart. And here comes Clarke out of nowhere in my arms and in my bed. But the thing is Clarke’s physique isn’t even the most attractive thing about her. How close she is with her mother. How well she treats people that are important to her. She’s wealthy yet humble. She’s successful but never let it get to her head. She gives and doesnt ask for anything in return. She is the best person I know and she makes me better

”Cum, Clarke”

”I want to feel you”

She follows direction well because I feel the fluttering around my fingers. The way she starts to tighten her hold on me. How her breathing speeds up. A slow ascent to the top, I keep my pace and watch this beauty unfold. Her scream when she climaxes blasts right through me. Her hand on my hair tugging and keeping me where Im at so she can ride out her high until there’s nothing left. Until what feels like her last breath but when her back hit my mattress, she realizes she’s nowhere near death. I make sure she’s done. That she got what she needed. That she is more than satisfied before I come up and hold her. Have I mentioned how in love with her I am? 

“Damn” she exhales as i place soft kisses on her neck

”That was…incredible” She says, her eyes drifting closed

”Thanks” I smirk and she laughs softly hitting my back with her palm 

“Im tired” 

“Luckily for you, I have quite a comfy bed” I look up at her and that post sex afterglow is hitting a little differently tonight 

“Lexa Woods, are you asking me to stay the night?” 

“I am” 

“Gladly” She throws the comforter over us and this is probably the fastest I’ve ever fallen asleep 

The next day, the sun shines through my curtains and wakes me up. Im disoriented and sore..good sore of course. But I wondered for just a second if the night before was just a dream. A dream I never wanted to wake up from. But when I turn my head and see her bare back, hear the soft snores and smell her bath and body works shampoo on my sheets, I realize that waking up is the best thing I could’ve done. I stare, admire the woman in my bed. Granted, her back is to me and she’s hugging my pillow so tight Im actually jealous of it. So I do the only thing I can think of in the moment. Snuggle up to her. Wrap my body around her and that causes a content moan to release that warms my heart

”Good morning” I kiss her shoulder

”Not ready” She murmurs 

It doesnt matter if we’re ready because both of our phones go off with texts from our friends

Anya: dead or alive

Anya: hopefully alive because your house is absolutely wrecked 

Raven: no it’s not..just a little

Anya: Monty is asleep on the counter…

”Very bold of them to include both of us in a group text when they don’t know if we’re in a good place or not” I watch as more texts come through

”I know. You know what would be funny?” Clarke says

”What?”

”If we pretended we hate each other” She beams

“Oh my god. Brilliant” 

“Dont answer any of the texts. We’ll just show up. You hang back while I tell them we dont wanna see each other ever again” she leans up and gives me a kiss on the cheek 

“I hope you can act, love” 

“I’ve been acting like I havent been in love with you since I left. I think I’ll do fine” She gives me a kiss on the cheek that makes my heart flutter. She looks at me like I was made for her and you know what? I believe I was. All those therapy sessions, all that time working on myself..i changed to be better..for her. So not really made for her but transformed into a woman that’s worthy.. I can finally say I deserve happiness in the shape of Clarke Griffin

”Put some clothes on, beautiful” She throws a t shirt at me and I laugh

Once we get to Clarke’s house, I hang back behind the door and listen to this prank unfold. She drove us here as to not create any suspicion that we are, in fact, together. When I hear the door unlock, groaning comes from the inside followed by a “what the hell” from Clarke

”Clarke! There you are. What happened?” I recognize Raven’s voice even if it’s sort of muffled

”I dont wanna talk about it”

”Why not?”

”Cause nothing happened okay? She hates me. She doesnt want anything to do with me. I slept in my car in her driveway and she didnt even check on me once”

Alright a bit dramatic. Also kind of makes me look like a dick. I would never leave a woman out in the freezing cold 

“What? No I thought- - “

”Whats going on?” Anya’s hoarse voice interrupts them

”You were wrong. They didnt make up” Raven says quietly 

“Huh?”

”No we didnt. She doesnt want to see me ever again. I might as well move back to Paris”

Okay that’s my cue to stop this madness. She’s too convincing and I can only imagine their faces right now 

“Matter of fact..Im calling Marcus right now- - “

I knock on the door and peak my head in 

“Hi” I wave

”What the fuck” Anya and Raven yell at the same time. Clarke slides her phone back in her pocket..the fake tears turns into a burst of laughter on Clarke’s end before she jumps on top of me and gives me an extremely long and inappropriate kiss that Raven and Anya are disturbed by

”Gotcha” Clarke winks and neither can figure out what to say right now

”What the hell is going on!” Raven cant seem to process Clarke’s legs wrapped around me as I carry her into the kitchen after I kick the door closed behind me

”We made up. Obviously” I stand between her legs as she wraps her arms around my waist, her head resting on my shoulders. This position combined with the completely confused looks on our friends faces has to be the best thing I’ve ever experienced

”Yeah you really thought I- - “

That’s when Clarke pauses to take a thorough look around Neither of us really noticed how a tornado hit the place until now. Jasper is asleep in the corner, lamp shade over his head. Monty and Murphy are hanging off the couch, bodies half on and half off. Bottles and cans of alcohol litter the living room. The karaoke machine is still on..Mariah Carey playing softly in the background

”My house is a mess!” Clarke whines

”Well you did leave us with copious amounts of food and alcohol so you can woo a woman” Raven shrugs

”And it was way worse earlier. I had to drag Monty off your counter top. He passed out by Murphy after throwing up in your backyard”

”Great”

”Bell and Echo are passed out in one of your guest bedrooms..on the floor..cause there’s no bed in there. So theyre sleeping on cardboard like homeless people” Anya says

”Oh and…uh” Raven starts but doesnt finish

”What”

”Well..”

”Good morning, darlings” Niylah saunters out of a bedroom, red robe on and looking like alcohol has never graced the tip of her tongue. She immediately approaches me and I stiffen. What I don’t expect is her to lean in and place two kisses..one on each cheek.. on me. She then does the same to Clarke and Im still frozen at the fact that she even touched me. 

“Coffee anyone?” She turns on the espresso machine and swings around to see none of us answering her. She then points at me and Clarke still huddled together, Clarke’s hands still on my waist

”You two made up. Cute” She shrugs with amusement on her lips  

“Yeah I mean..yes” Clarke stutters

”Wait where’s- - “

We hear a door open and close, Gaia stumbling out of what I think is Niylah’s room. Hair disheveled, top on backwards. She stops in her tracks when she sees all of us in the kitchen

”Uh..” She gulps

”Coffee, sweetheart?” Niylah raises a mug

”No thanks.. I uh..I should get going” She clears her throat

”Great party, Clarke. Thanks for the invite” She avoids eye contact and Niylah accompanies her out

“Im never having a fucking party ever again” 

Chapter Text

Clarke 

“I need you to apologize”

”For?”

”Telling Lexa that we slept together”

”Im sorry I had no idea that was a secret” She smirks and I roll my eyes

”Niylah”

”Okay fine..but you both needed the push”

It’s hard to disagree when she’s sort of right. Niylah lives life on the edge. Not caring about the consequences of her actions until said consequences of her actions actually catches up with her. Shes very rarely wrong. She also hates the way I’ve pined for a year. She doesnt understand thinking things through. The possibility of getting hurt and hurting others. But to her..there is no life without risk. She’s always gone after what she wanted, hence, how we slept together. But because I was so hung up on Lexa, she never tried to pursue anything further. She knew. I knew. She just thought after my move back that her and I would’ve gotten back together already. But no. Too many things in the way and our heads so far gone, we may have needed Niylah to instigate a little I guess. But still..Lexa doesnt see it that way. She sees Niylah as a snake. Someone who was rubbing it in her face that she got to see me in an intimate setting. And Lexa hates hates hates to be challenged in that way. She may be a drama queen but she does not like drama starters..and Niylah has a way of getting under people’s skin

”I know we did but Lexa hates that”

“That woman hates everything but you. My god can she at least smile every once in a while?” 

I try to conceal how I blush. I actually like how Lexa treats me differently than everyone else. She really doesn’t give anyone the time of day anymore. Just who she’s dating aka me. And I absolutely love that 

“She smiles at me. That’s all I care about” I say as Niylah gets the table ready. We invited Lexa to dinner. It’s been a few days since my homecoming party. Lexa knows I dont have a lot of time with Niylah because shes only visiting so she was understanding of us not seeing each other every minute of every day. I  mean it’s fine..we dont have to be by each other’s side every second. But god do I wanna be

”Yeah yeah yeah we all know how you’re literally the only thing she sees” 

“Hey dont be jealous when you’ve been up Gaia’s ass since you got here”

”Have you seen her ass?”

”No..I have not”

”Then you dont understand”

”Well Lexa’s- - “

The doorbell rings which stops our friendly argument

”Speak of the devil” Niylah places a kiss on Gaia’s cheek

”What?”

”We were just talking about you, beautiful”

”Good things I hope”

”Always” I give her a hug and take the bottle of wine out of her hand

“Place is a lot cleaner than when I was here last”

”Yeah cause I didnt invite the delinquents over” I watch as Niylah pours us a glass. I notice the smile on Gaia’s face. How she’s stares at Niylah and Niylah does the same. God are they smitten already? 

They fall into easy conversation, Niylah standing close as they talk about their plans for the spring. I try not to interrupt because it’s rare Niylah’s attention on a woman lasts longer than 24 hrs. But she seems..intrigued with Gaia. Happy to be around her. And it’s not in the ‘I wanna get laid’ kind of way. She actually listens. Shes not talking about herself the whole time. It’s nice to see but it could also get complicated considering Niylah is only visiting. As Im preparing the food and getting thoroughly ignored in the background, the doorbell rings again and thank goodness. When I swing the door open, there she is. My queen. My love. The keeper of my heart. She smiles and I find my knees buckling when she hands me a pie that she definitely didnt make herself

”You know you dont have to bring me something every time you come over”

”It’s rude to come empty-handed”

“Not to your girlfriend’s house”

My head spins and my heart skips a beat. Yes I can finally say Lexa is my girlfriend and a label has never felt so right before. I thought it’d get some time getting use to. But not at all. As if I was always mean to be more, the term girlfriend came so naturally. And maybe we didn’t talk about labels. Or what we are and if we’re exclusive..all of this is under the assumption that we’re together because we’re in love with each other. A safe assumption I think. And by the way Lexa visibly blushes, ears and cheeks redder than the maraschino cherries Niylah pulled out from my cabinet. She bites her lip, her arms wrapping around my waist as she pulls me close and kisses me. Soft and gentle like Lexa has always been with me. 

“Can you close the door, it’s fucking freezing” Niylah blurts out and Gaia laughs 

Lexa immediately throws her guard up, her hand on my lower back after she shuts the door. She glares at Niylah who only waves and smirks at her

”Be nice” I whisper and I feel her exhale, her shoulders releasing the tension 

“Nice to see you again, Lexa” Gaia says

”You too”

“And me?” Niylah instigates 

“Niylah can you not”

”What???” She innocently bats her eyelashes and approaches Lexa as I put the pie in the fridge

”Niylah”

”Lexa”

They stare at each other. Niylah internally loving this but Lexa takes a deep breath as I approach with a glass of wine and watch her stick her hand out. Niylah, intrigued by the action, tilts her head to the side wondering if this is a trap because I definitely would’ve thought so

”Truce” Lexa asks..maybe more so demands

”I did not know we were at war, my dear” Niylah slides her hand in hers

”We’re not. I just hate you” 

“Lex!” I widen my eyes

”I do love me an honest woman. Dont worry though. I’ll grow on you” she says and I give Lexa a stern expression that she rolls her eyes at 

”And….” I direct my attention to Niylah whose nonchalant masks falters for a second because she knows im being serious 

“I ….apologize…for…meddling” she painfully drawls because she never apologizes for anything. Lexa finds her opportunity to be a pain in the ass

”I didnt hear you”

”Oh my god. Im hungry. Everyone sit” 

We sit at the island and Lexa pulls my stool closer to her. As if she never wants us further than 3 feet apart again, I gladly let our thighs touch. My hand finding her at any point during the four of us having a conversation and you know what? I can tell as the hour goes by that Lexa is not appalled by Niylah’s presence anymore. Just a slight disdain, but she tolerates it for me. When Niylah actually says something nice about her tattoos, I see her guard slip just a little. Even when Gaia talks about wanting her back done, she talks more and I love that. Not long after Gaia telling us about the next house she’s about to sell the front door opens and my mom walks in

”Hey honey sorry for being late” she takes her coat off and I watch as Lexa wipes her hands on her jeans. I feel her stiffen and notice the way she corrects her posture 

”You okay?”

”No..Im nervous”

”Dont be, you two know each other already”

Before the door shuts, Marcus appears and yes..it’s a little weird to find out they’re dating but at least I know Marcus isnt a terrible guy. Niylah gives them both a hug as my mom introduces Gaia to him. Lexa is whispering what I think are words of affirmation to herself before it’s her turn to greet my mom. 

“Lexa, how are you feeling??” 

“Im well Dr. Griffin. Thank you”

”So formal. Im Abby when we’re not in the hospital” She gives Lexa a hug and I know this isnt something she likes to do..but she returns it and smiles

”And I plan on staying out of the hospital”

”Good, honey. Im not sure if you remember Marcus. Marcus this is Lexa. Clarke’s friend”

“Girlfriend” I correct her and oh god..I didnt even realize what I said until my mom pauses for just a second. Not long enough for anyone else to notice but me. I side eye Lexa who looks like her head is about to erupt like a volcano. My mother clears her throat and pours her and Marcus a glass of wine. She downs half of her glass before Marcus could even take a sip. This is definitely not how I wanted to reveal to my mom that I’m dating someone let alone a woman. She’s never been one to cause a scene though. So after she gathers her thoughts that I know I’ll hear about later, she clears her throat and faces us

”Apologies. I didnt know you two were together” 

Does anyone else sense the awkwardness or is it just me. I see Niylah peaking at me as Marcus talks to her. Well that means she must feel it too. She sees it on my face, in Lexa’s body language. She’s looking for a way to save us..surprisingly enough

“How’s your mother, Gaia. I’ve been meaning to ask her to lunch one of these days” She completely changes the subject thank goodness. She does avoid eye contact with me and Lexa though which isnt great 

“I actually told her Im going over here to hang with Clarke and she said she’d give you a call tomorrow”

”Great. I look forward to it”

“I brought a pie” Lexa blurts out because well..I have no idea why

”Right..she did. I know you two just had dinner so care for dessert?” 

“Sure” She responds blandly

”I mean I know you bake…”

”I dont bake”

“I bought it”

Please stop babe

”Im sure it’s fine, Lexa”

”I can get a different one if you’re not a fan of blueberry?? Yeah maybe I should- -“

“Have you guys seen the backyard? We should definitely eat pie in the backyard” Niylah interrupts because yeah there is definitely some awkward tension going around now. Lexa is sweating bullets. My mom is maintaining her professional and elegant facade but she’s never this way around just me. I know I didnt really come out to her as bisexual. I probably should have done that first but..she knows Lexa. And she’s so accepting of Anya and Raven. Fuck..it must be different when it’s your own daughter

”Come let me show you guys the heaters I forced Clarke to buy” She winks at me and leads everyone to the backyard leaving me and Lexa to breathe

”Oh my god she hates me”

”No she doesnt”

”Clarke…she was definitely a lot nicer to me when I was a patient”

“That’s her job!”

”Exactly! So it wasnt real!”

”No..okay…listen. This is my fault. I guess..I didnt warn her. And you’re the first person I’ve dated since Finn”

”Im gonna be sick”

”Baby” I step closer and cup her cheek

”I will fix this. I promise” I tell her and she takes a deep breath. I notice her shoulders dip, her lip curves into that half-smile I love so much and her hands find my waist. She is truly a magnificent human being. A face I’ll never get tired of, I’d love to kick everyone out so I could paint her like I’ve already done. But this time, nude so I can capture all of her. Raw and tasteful. Covered in tattoos, the accessories to her aesthetic. I want to do her justice. Decorate my home with portraits of her. Tell people that ‘yes..this is my model girlfriend and she makes this place feel like home.’  Before I can give her a kiss that would melt the entire antarctic, my mom saunters back and we’re both back to being nervous messes. 

“I thought you two needed help with the pies” 

“Oh no mom- -“

”Niylah needs your assistance with the heaters outside. They cant figure them out. I’ll help Lexa here” 

Oh no. Lexa will actually murder me if I leave her alone with my mom. I have to stop this somehow

”It’s alright we’re coming out anyway” I say but she doesnt budge

She leans against my counter, her eyes watching and skeptical. Lexa’s definitely about to faint

”I guess I can talk to both of you then” I dont know if this is much better but I’d defend Lexa with my life if it came down to it 

”Since when?”

I dont need her to clarify the question because I know what she’s asking

”Before I went to Paris..we were..dating” I answer and my mom’s eyebrows raise. She definitely didnt expect that

”If i recall correctly, Lexa you had a girlfriend when you were in the hospital”

”I did..we broke up”

”Why?”

”Because Im in love with your daughter”

I nearly choke on my own saliva, the slices of pie almost finding a home on my kitchen floor. Lexa is blunt to say the least. I guess we have nothing to lose and my mom doesn’t appreciate beating around the bush so this could go one of two ways. She could be thoroughly disgusted by Lexa’s honesty and leave without saying another word. OR..she could..accept us? She freezes at Lexa’s words. Not knowing what to say to that because again…this is all new to her. Love..relationship..girls.. it’s a lot to process

“And you Clarke” 

“What about me”

”You left for Paris. Is she why you came back?” 

What am I supposed to do? Lie? That would never work. My mom can practically see the beads of sweat on my temple. She raised me. She knows my mannerism. How I stutter when Im being dishonest. How I pick my cuticles when Im anxious. How I avoid eye contact when Im nervous. Lying to my mom would be the worst thing to do right now. And considering Lexa has already opened the flood gates, there’s no turning back now. 

“A part of it..yes”

My mom sips on her wine, her eyes never straying from either of us. What an intimidating woman

”Well..I do like you Lexa. I hope we get to know each other better. Please understand this is just a little..new for me. I’ve only known Clarke to date men. I mean Im not blind..Ive always felt there was something..different between you two. I just had no idea it was…love” She explains

”I guess we never had the whole..sexuality talk..when you were younger”

”It’s not something I really thought about mom. It’s just..it’s Lexa” I smile at her and Lexa seems to relax at the way I look at her. Full of love..admiration and so much more, she’s always gazed at me like I’m the one who created earth itself. Who wouldnt fall in love with that? Who wouldnt want to be worshiped and adored? She’s everything to me and my mom can see it. The entire world can. 

”Just keep her heart safe, Lexa. God knows she’s been through enough” Not really a threat..more like a friendly warning before she goes back outside to our friends. We can finally breathe again 

“My back is drenched” Lexa blurts out and I laugh

”I love you” I whisper against her lips

”I love you, Clarke” 

The night is spent talking and looking at the stars outside. Seems like they aligned just in time for us 

LEXA

I sit in the waiting room with a box of cookies in hand. No I did not bake them. I did not buy them either. Clarke made them for me to give to Allie. She cant cook but she can bake. She must get that gene from her mother. She doesnt do it very often and they’re nothing crazy. Chocolate chip with an ooey gooey center and crunchy outside, I did end up eating 4 of them so she had to make more. These are supposed to be an ‘Im sorry for freaking out on you’ and ‘thanks for being a great therapist’. For the first time, I dont sit here with my leg bouncing. Im not staring at the clock. I dont hear the ticking. I picked up a magazine and actually indulged in a little pop star drama until Allie calls my name. I smile..I actually fucking smile at her and it definitely catches her off guard

”Good mood?”

”I guess you can say that” 

We walk into her office and that’s when I hand her the little container of cookies

”What’s this for?”

”Picking up when I was having a crisis. And all the times I accidentally flipped out on you” 

“Lexa, you didnt have to do that”

”I know” I say and she smiles at me before placing the container on her desk

”Well thank you. Thats very kind”

”Now tell me. What’s got you in this very giving mood?”

So I tell her everything that’s been going on. I explain with detail, not missing a beat on how Clarke and I finally got our heads out of our asses. That I admitted Im in love with her. And she feels the same. She nods, a small smile appearing every once in a while. I actually talk and dont stop. She has to interrupt me in order to get a word in

”Wow”

”Tell me about it”

“You’re actually glowing, Lexa”

”Ew dont say that”

”Well it’s true” she laughs

”So you haven’t heard from Luna since?”

”No..unfortunately. Im hoping one day we could maybe we friends but I understand if she doesnt want to be” I admit sadly. I care for her dont get me wrong. But I would never be able to get where she was. I was so beyond help when it came to Clarke. She is the woman I’ve pined over. Cried over. And as shitty as it is to admit, Luna was never going to be the one for me. I have no doubt that she’ll find someone great for her though 

“And did you resolve your issues with one of Clarke’s best friends?”

Niylah. I will always feel a sort of..jealousy when it comes to her. I wont lie. But after spending time with both of them..I did start to realize Niylah is actually..harmless? She cares for Clarke. She may have some unresolved feelings for her but it doesnt matter when Clarke loves me. Looks at me like im the only one that exists on this planet. I cant control other people’s actions but I know for a fact that Clarke controls her own and she chose me. Has always chosen me 

“I mean..for the most part” 

“I also met her mom..I mean Ive known her mom but she knows us as..girlfriends now”

”You’ve had a busy week” 

“I know right”

”What did her mom think of you two?”

”I think she’s still getting used to us but she’s been nice to me. She’s also dating one of Clarke’s sponsors so Clarke is using that as leverage” I mention and Allie laughs. This actually feels more like a gossip session than therapy? It’s not necessarily bad but I’ve never felt so relaxed in here before. Talking like we’re just two friends and I never really considered Allie a friend before but it somehow feels like our relationship has progressed to something more than client and therapist. Is that weird? 

“So it seems like everything is going well for you, Lexa”

”Yeah…yeah it is and it’s strange”

”How so?” 

“Just waiting for something to go wrong”

”Like what?”

”I dont know. What if Clarke changes her mind. Realizes this whole being with women thing was just a phase and she actually wants to be with a man long term”

It’s a thought I’ve had but never spoke it into existence because it’s embarrassing for me to feel this way. I have always been a confident woman. I know women drool over me. Take second glances at me. But I dont care about the attention anymore. I only care about Clarke’s. Sure we could be together for years until she comes to the conclusion that Im nothing more than a pretty face but Im not ready for that. I’ll never be because…well is it crazy for me to say that Clarke’s it for me? That she’s the only person I can picture forever with? 

“Is that not misconception for a lot of bisexual women, Lexa?”

”Yeah..yeah i guess it is” 

“And man or woman..Clarke is into you as a person right?”

”Can you believe it?” I let out a soft chuckle 

“I can” She smiles and leave it up to Allie to always make me feel special especially when Im feeling insecure 

“I mean I am pretty great huh?” I give her that smug smirk she absolutely hates but loves at the same time. She playfully rolls her eyes and takes a sip of her coffee

”So Lexa…” Allie closes her notebook

”Way back when you asked me what the point of being in a relationship is”

”Do you have your answer now?”

Oh man. Do I ever. Who thought that being monogamous and fully invested in one person and one person only would bring this unbridled joy Im feeling today? I thought love was pointless. A waste of time when the world is full of different flavors of women. I never thought Id get tired of the chase..of teasing and pleasing. No what I got tired of was attempting to find someone that made me feel the same way Clarke did ever since I saw her walking these hallways for the first time. An image I’ll never forget, she breezed past me with such a sad cloud hovering over her but as soon as those blue eyes met mine, I knew the sun was just in hiding for the time being. I got to know her. Our small conversations probably meaningless to most people but they’re what occupied my mind every second of the day. Her timid and shy demeanor slowly faded just as quick as my arrogant, cocky one. I was always an illiterate fool around her. Confidence gone, bumbling mess activated as soon as Clarke stepped in my bubble and that’s how I knew she’d be different. Every single time I was around her, I couldnt speak. I sounded stupid. I wanted to do everything I could to charm her but our short simple conversations became deep. The longing stares I’d give her started to get mutual. These feelings were getting more difficult to contain. I mean how could I possibly keep it together when every time she looked at me, I felt my whole body reverberate with feelings I’ve never experienced before. This yearning, desire, need to just speak with her was overwhelming. I didnt even care about the physical attraction anymore. I just wanted her presence. To smell her. To touch her hand. Gaze into those beautiful blues. I wanted such simple, trivial things from her. A smile, a hug, even just a blink in my direction and I was happy for the rest of the day. The more that happened, the more I couldnt fight it. I was falling in love with her. And when I let myself truly fall, I knew there was no getting back up. Completely enchanted, bewitched, hypnotized, whatever you wanna call it, by Clarke’s affection I had no control over the words soaring out of me the night of her charity event. And for the first time ever in my life, I felt heartbreak when she didnt return my love. Not until now and maybe in the beginning, I would’ve said no this wasnt worth it. This pain. This emotional, intangible silent suffering I coped with drove me to the brink of insanity. Even with Luna by my side, Clarke always haunted me. With the possibility she may or may never come back, I had to accept that I was basically a walking corpse that felt something from time to time. I mean being with Luna wasnt bad by any means. There was a time where I thought I could definitely live like this. That maybe I’d never be in love with her but I would at least be content. I was beginning to accept that this woud be it. Me and Luna. Safe. Secure. All of that flew out the window as soon as Clarke flew back into my life 

“Yes”

”Im so in love with Clarke that she makes everyday worth living, Allie. I didnt think this was possible. I thought it was all bullshit but…I get it now. I’d go to the ends of the earth for that woman” 

Allie genuinely smiles at my confession. One that actually wasnt difficult to say out loud. The old me would definitely cringe, be absolutely disgusted with every single word that came out of my mouth but not today. Not any day I get to call Clarke my girlfriend 

“That’s really nice to hear, Lexa”

”I wouldnt have been able to get in touch with my emotional side without you. So thank you Allie. You’ve done a lot for me. I thought therapy wouldn’t work but.. I guess it did”

“I like to think I just pushed you in the right direction” She winks and I smile. God ever since opening this door to my core emotions, I’ve been such a sap lately. I feel like I could cry

”So I wouldnt be a very good therapist if I didnt bring up how I think you’ve graduated to seeing me only once a month now”

“Really?”

”Yes Lexa. Ive thought about how you’ve been the last month. How much you’ve changed and matured. If you disagree, of course I’ll continue to see you once a week but.. I dont think you need me that much anymore” Allie says and god what the fuck. I actually feel a tear slide down my face. It’s been a long time coming trying to get in touch with myself like this. Figuring out who I am. Being empathetic towards others. Feeling love for the first time in my life. She turned me into a believer

“I…yeah I guess once a week is a bit excessive now”

”Dont look so sad, Lexa. This is what it’s all about. Growing up. Thinking before acting. You’ve been doing a great job. Using the lessons you’ve learned and incorporating them into your life”

The bell rings and I didnt think this would be my last meeting with her until..oh god next month

”Im so so proud of you”

”Thank you Allie”

She walks me to the front and this is bittersweet. But this only affirms how much I’ve changed. That’s a good thing I continue to remind myself

”Will you give Clarke my congratulations and ask her when her next event is for me” She says and I laugh 

“I’ll ask” I nod before she taps the front desk and tells them to book me one month from now

”Have a good day Lexa”

Stepping out of the building, I feel renewed. Lighter. The fresh air, the sun out, the weather becoming warmer. What is this? A newfound appreciation for nature? I cant enjoy it for long though because my phone beeps

Anya: where the hell are you? Your client is here and she won’t shut the hell up

Fucking Anya. I speed my bike to work, all the lights are green and Im just enjoying how it feels to glide through the street without being contained by my SUV. Have I mentioned how much I miss riding my motorcycle? 

I park and walk inside my shop. The music is louder, Octavia and Lincoln in the back working on their clients so Anya is the one that greets me with an irritated expression on her face. It’s one I’ve come to love after being friends this long

”Finally”

”Im not even late”

”I know. She got here early. I dont know why but deal with her”

”Where is she?”

”Hey, An. This picture is sooo cute” She steps through the beads, frame in her tiny hands and my heart skips. My body heats, my brain malfunctions. Her smile brightens up the entire place that I think we could save on our electric bill if I we got rid of all our lights and just hired her to smile at customers as they walk in 

”Where’d you get that! You went into my office?!” Anya snatches the picture out of her grasp

”When did you and Raven go to Zion? I thought you hated camping”

”I do. Raven wanted to go” 

The picture is of the two of them in front of a campfire, stars above them and an RV in the back. It’s actually quite adorable

”Look at you..doing things you dont wanna do just cause Raven wants to” She teases and Anya huffs

“Shut the hell up. She’s your problem now Lexa” Anya walks to the back and Clarke approaches me

”Hi baby- - “ 

She kisses me. Hands slung around my shoulders and smile gracing her lips as our bodies meld together. 

“I missed you” She whispers and god if Im going to get through this day, Im gonna have to think about anything other than Clarke’s chest pressed up against mine 

”I see you came early to annoy Anya”

”Duh. Best friend of my girlfriend so it’s my job” 

“You’re right” I laugh and have her sit on the couch

”Sooo..you ready?” She reaches into her purse

The stencil I did for her. The first Christmas gift I’ve ever given to someone that means something to me. She kept it all this time and now she’s ready to have it imprinted on her body forever

”I am”

”Where do you want it, love”

She lifts up her shirt and reveals the milky white skin on her lower back. She sees me lick my lips, the mischievous look in my eyes telling her I want to lay her down but for reasons other than tattooing her skin

”Right here. Left side” She points and I instinctively rub my thumb over the area

“Your mom is gonna kill me” I point out

”She wont see it”

”No one will..just you” She says and I give her one more kiss before I bring her to the back

”Unless we go to the beach. Then everyone will be staring at you in a bikini”

”And I’ll only be looking at you. All day everyday” Her eyes sparkle, her skin glows. I’ll never get tired of her beauty 

Before I bring Clarke to the back to give her her very first tattoo, the bell dings. Raven steps inside with lunch bags in her hand. As if Anya could sense her girlfriend walking through, she comes out from the back and greets her girlfriend. Small smile on her face as she bends down to kiss her. A few seconds later Octavia and Lincoln ring up their customers and come over to thank Raven for Lunch. I look at the couples around me, thrilled to be around their loves ones. Excited to be with the ones that means the most to them. And then there’s us. Clarke and I. Newly coupled, but sharing a love comparable to theirs, I like to think we’ll last. That forever is in our future. And by the way Clarke’s hand finds mine, her skin electrifies my chromosomes, her eyes lights up my world, forever is surely in our favor