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Chapter Text

Chapter 1: Getaway
0 / 2992 mi
Raleigh, NC
August 11, 1977

The morning sun was hot against Jane Evans’ face as she slammed the trunk of the car shut. Over the past two hours, everything of hers from the past 18 years had been unceremoniously crammed into old cardboard boxes to marinate in the trunk of her sister’s Chevy Impala. She watched the reflection of the branches above on the dusty metal of the car, and her vision started to blur.

She tried to think of anything she could have left, anything to distract herself, any reason not to leave for college. But she knew there was nothing left to bring. In her pocket, she felt the crinkle of a dried receipt. She had spent the last few days using it as a checklist of anything and everything that she could possibly need at college, and she knew she had tediously checked every last item off. She took a deep breath, trying to still any shudder in it.

She was broken from her melancholic trance by a sudden impact from her right. She laughed as Louise almost tackled her in a hug. Jane nearly fell as she tripped on the curb and the two of them stumbled, catching their balance. Jane threw her arms around Louise in return and the two held each other tight. When Jane finally pulled back, both their faces were streaming with tears. Louise had insisted on being there to say goodbye, but Jane had never imagined it any other way.

“I’m going to miss you so much, Lou.”

Louise hadn’t been holding it together to begin with, but with that she began to wail uncontrollably. Jane brushed Louise’s hair from her face and hugged her again. She could already feel tears soaking through her shirt, but she wasn’t quite sure whose.

She caught a glimpse of her parents over Louise’s shoulder. Her mother was a total mess. If Louise was a bundle of tears, her mom was, well, a bigger bundle. Her face was bright red and she held an already-soaked handkerchief to her face. Jane’s dad idly rubbed her mom’s shoulder with his thumb. He was the best put together of the four of them, but his eyes were still glassy as he flashed Jane a sad smile.

Jane pulled back from Louise and took a deep breath. Everything felt so strange. Whenever she thought of leaving, she pictured the neighborhood at a standstill, one final tableau before she left. But it felt just like any other day. Mr. Carson and his dog had even stopped to say hello earlier (and once he found out, goodbye), and he probably was still making out on his loop around the neighborhood.

Her dad was the one to finally broach it, and Jane felt a rush of slow adrenaline as he did.

“Well, you shouldn’t leave your sister waiting.”

Jane had almost forgotten about the girl in the car. She hadn’t even seen her get in.

The journey to the passenger seat was only about 15 feet, but between all the goodbyes, and thank yous, and I miss yous, and call mes, it was almost a quarter of an hour until she finally sat down in the passenger seat, and another five until the door finally closed, and even then they still spoke through the lowered window.

Jane was almost grateful for the low growl of the engine when the car finally started up. She had known leaving was going to hurt, but saying goodbye over and over didn’t really make her feel much better.

Jane felt a prod at her arm, and she turned to see Audrey in the driver's seat. She felt a small flush of embarrassment for making her wait so long.

Not that Audrey seemed to care. Her olive eyes were unreadable as she looked over at Jane.

“Are you good to go?” she asked, making an awkward you-good thumbs-up with her hand. Jane just nodded, and Audrey gave another in return. Jane heard the click of the gear as she shifted into reverse, and she felt her stomach drop. She could barely hear the final round of goodbyes through her pounding heart. She gathered herself with a stuttering breath as the car began to roll back out of the driveway. Jane wiped the tears from her eyes and waved at her parents and Louise as the car turned onto the street. Audrey shifted gears again, and slowly, they began to drive away. In the side mirror, a movement caught Jane’s eye.

Sticking her head out the window, she turned to see Louise chasing after the car, still waving. She held down the hem of her skirt in the wind, forcing her to do a sort of skip. It was all so very Louise. A grin spread across Jane’s face, and she waved back. She followed for a couple blocks until she seemed to become exhausted, slowing to a stop. She threw both hands in the air and feverishly waved in what could have been a very good impression of someone drowning.

And then they turned the corner and she was gone.

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The neighborhood looked like it always did, the red brick diffusing the morning light. It was quiet, the only sounds being the rustling of the trees along the road and the hum of the sedan’s engine.

Jane pulled down the sun visor to check herself in the mirror. It was just as bad as she thought. Her eyes were red and still shining with what she hadn’t wiped off. There was still a buzz in her head from her crying earlier.

She had always thought she looked alright. She wore her brown hair back in a loose ponytail, tucking whatever hair remained behind her ears. Like always, she wore her lucky pair of glasses, the only pair she ever owned that lasted more than a year. They had a translucent brown rim that she thought looked very stylish, ringing her olive eyes. When the redness on her face went down, it would reveal a smattering of light freckles across her nose and cheeks.

But right now, her face was warm, her eyes and lips puffy from crying.

“Are you okay?” Audrey’s voice cut across the car. Jane pushed the visor shut.

“I’m–” Jane paused for a second. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Uh huh,” Audrey replied skeptically, leaning left to see around a car in front of her. Her outfit caught Jane’s eye and she smiled wryly to herself.

Audrey was wearing her favorite red jacket, although that wasn’t too much of a surprise. She’d bought it in a secondhand shop in town and immediately fell in love. At the start of summer, it still looked like new, but now the fabric was already starting to fade along the seams. Still, it fit her nicely, and it looked comfortable too.

Audrey’s hair swooped across her face in thick waves falling to her shoulders, the same color as Jane’s. Audrey never wore makeup, at least not that Jane could tell, but she was still pretty; she’d had two boyfriends to Jane’s zero. Jane thought to herself that maybe she should get a red jacket. Or listen to rock music.

Her eyes lit up as she remembered something. She turned around and stretched for her backpack, when she heard a chirping to her left. Jack! So much had gone on she almost forgot he was there. The little white rabbit looked back at her from inside the cage, his blank black eyes showing no thought at all. She smiled at him. Her fingers finally hooked around the strap of the backpack and she pulled it into the front seat.

Reaching in, she felt around until she felt the hard plastic against her fingers, fishing it out with a satisfied smile. In her hands lay the apex of artistic creation: Spirit by Earth, Wind & Fire on cassette. She beamed down at Phillip Bailey on the cover doing his weird little clasped-hands pose. She turned to look at Audrey.

“You got Terry to put in that cassette deck right?”

Audrey sighed, and then silently tapped a slot above the gear shift. Jane took it out of its case and slotted it into the car.

“Do people ever tell you that you’re talkative?” Jane said.

Audrey shrugged without a word, smiling at her own joke. Jane didn’t think it was that funny (It was pretty funny).

And then through the car’s speakers came the sweet sound of Earth, Wind & Fire. With a punchy guitar and horn riff, Getaway began to play. Jane leaned back into the backseat, pulling Jack out of his cage.

Audrey finally piped up. “If he shits in my car, he’s not coming out of that cage until Santa Cruz.” She looked over at Jane.

“He’s not going to!” She retorted, before picking Jack up under his arms, dancing with him. His white fur hung loose from his body, and his body swung limply with Jane’s puppeteering.

Jane sang along: “Get-a-wayyyyyyy!” Jack looked back at her with blank eyes. He was used to this. Jane grinned over at Audrey, turning Jack to dance towards her. “Let’s leave to-day!”

Audrey reached over to the console without looking and pressed the STOP button, clicking the song to a halt. Jane rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Come onnn, Audge,” Audrey looked over at her. “Listen, if you’re not gonna talk, at least let me play my music.”

“Fine,” Audrey said, pressing play. It was subtle, but Jane thought she could make out something in her voice. Jane furrowed her brow and thought for a second, relaxing her shoulders as the album continued.

Audrey pulled onto the highway on-ramp, and as the car’s wheels clomp-clomped against the asphalt, something clicked inside Jane’s head.

“Were you and dad fighting again?” Audrey parted her lips in surprise and Jane knew she was right.

Not that it would often be wrong. It seemed like every time Audrey was back in the house they would find something to yell about.

“What about?” Jane asked. Audrey shrugged.

“I don’t even know,” Audrey sighed. “I don’t know if he knows either.”

Jane nodded slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

Jane looked over at her, in case Audrey wanted to say anything more, but her attention was fixed back on the road. Jane turned and looked out the window at the passing trees. It was weird to think that this was the closest she’d be to home until next summer, or at least until Christmas break.

Despite the twinge of melancholy, she still felt excited for college. California had always seemed like a different country to her, so when she got the acceptance letter from UCSC, she almost couldn’t believe it. It had been her top choice, and she didn’t even really think about the distance until after she confirmed her attendance. Audrey went to school not too far from there, so it seemed natural for them to drive out together. At least to their parents — in the last few years, Jane and her sister had nearly become strangers.

Up until Jane’s sophomore year, she and Audrey had basically been attached at the hip. Her friends always complained about fights they had with their siblings, and Jane would feel almost guilty that she couldn’t relate. She and Audrey had always gotten along, except for a year or so in middle school over a birthday party they later agreed it was best not to talk about. But aside from that, they had been inseparable, spending every day after school together. Once when Jane had gone to a sleepaway camp, Audrey confessed to her that she had cried the whole week. That was just how things were, and it was good.

Then Audrey got her first boyfriend, Tim, and she was gone. Jane was lucky to have Louise, who helped her through that period. It hadn’t been easy at all for her. Audrey was like the center of her life, and Jane didn’t even really get a goodbye. Restructuring took time, but what else could she do? Still, she found herself guiltily excited when Audrey and Tim finally broke up a year later; maybe things would finally go back to how they were.

They didn’t.

At that point, Audrey was already deep into photography, and despite Jane’s attempts to reach out, she stayed withdrawn. Instead of heading a few streets down to Tim’s after school, Audrey would go out on shoots instead. And when she got accepted to USC for photojournalism, Jane accepted that things had changed for good. But even summers, Audrey went back to being just as distant. So when Jane heard that Audrey actually agreed to this cross-country road trip, she was frankly shocked.

Jane figured she’d make some excuse for not being able to. That she’d say there wasn’t enough space in the car, or that Jack would make a mess, or some other empty reason. But she didn’t. Jane wasn’t even altogether serious when she proposed it — It was more of a quip than anything else — but their parents latched on to it. And then Audrey had apparently agreed.

Not that her behavior in the car pointed to it in any way. Jane still felt the wall between them, cutting a line straight down the dashboard.

But she expected it, and so she zoned back in, the thick trees still flashing by to the slow R&B off the cassette. From her bag she pulled out the book she brought for the journey, The Hobbit. Louise had read it and loved it, and lacking anything else to read, Jane borrowed her copy for the trip. She flipped it open to the first chapter. She looked over at Audrey, some part of her hoping she might ask about her book. But Audrey seemed focused on the traffic, tapping her finger idly on the steering wheel in beat with the song.

Jane smiled at the sight, before starting to read. In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit…

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Before long Jane began to feel nauseous. She had known she was pretty easily carsick, but she hoped this time would be different. Jack was back fast asleep in his cage in the backseat, and she watched him, before a turn in the freeway made her stomach lurch.

She steadied her sight out the window and took a deep breath. Some time had passed, and the sun was low enough to filter through the trees. In her peripheral vision, Jane saw her sister click the turn signal and they merged towards the right lane.

They pulled off the highway and turned into a gas station, pulling up to the meter.

Jane was grateful for the break. For a while she had needed to stretch out her legs and go to the bathroom. The air was cooler now, a light breeze making her tuck her hands into her pockets as she walked towards the convenience store. Inside, Jane bought a bag of pretzels and headed back out to the car, taking the pump over from Audrey. She watched as cars drove by on the highway, her hand loosely supporting the nozzle.

Audrey came back a few minutes later with a bottle of Coke in her hand. Jane could see the outline of a pack of cigarettes in her breast pocket. Jane didn’t know Audrey was a smoker, but Jane hid her surprise, ducking her head to watch her sneakers kicking idly at the curb below the pump.

Jane was alerted by the click of the nozzle, so she carefully returned it to the pump. The two of them climbed back into the car, and drove back off onto the highway. Jane ripped open the bag of pretzels as they drove up the on-ramp. They were a little drier than she expected.

Rolling down the window a few inches, Audrey lit up a cigarette, her face of concentration lit up by the flame of the lighter. She took a long drag and blew it outside, the smoke vanishing in the wind.

Jane watched as her sister chased it with a swig of Coke and she felt a smile grow across her face. Something about it reminded her of when they were younger, although she could never have imagined Audrey smoking back then. She probably picked it up off her current boyfriend.

Audrey must have seen her looking, because she transferred the cigarette to her right hand and held it out towards her.

“Did you want some?” Audrey asked, looking over at Jane. Jane shook her head.

“Alright,” Audrey said, transferring it back to her left.

“Although,” Jane thought aloud. Audrey swapped the cigarette back over to her right, and Jane laughed. “Could I have some of your Coke?” The salt of the pretzels had left her mouth dry.

“Yeah, sure, go ahead,” Audrey replied, taking another pull of the cigarette and ashing it out the window. Jane grabbed the drink from the cupholder and took a sip, grateful for the refreshment. She winced a little at the taste, which was cut with a hint of Audrey’s smoke. She smiled at it and placed it back in the cupholder. Jane never smoked, or did anything like that really, but the taste was still oddly comforting. She pivoted to take another look at Audrey. The setting sun cast soft shadows over her cheekbones. Despite the set seriousness in Audrey’s eyes, there was still a warm familiarity, and Jane smiled as her sister frowned at the traffic, taking another puff. Jane could almost imagine that the past few years were some sort of dream, that they had never drifted apart.

Audrey caught her stare and looked back at her, an unsure smile on her face.

“You alright?” she asked, looking back at the traffic. Jane returned a hurried nod, slight embarrassment on her face.

“Just help look for the motel, okay?” Audrey glanced over at Jane, who nodded. “It should be up here soon.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: Breakdown
127 / 2992 mi
Mt. Airy, NC
August 11, 1977

The motel was nothing to write home about. The once-white floral wallpaper had been stained yellow by years of cigarette smoke, leaving the room with the overwhelming odor of tobacco. The beds were a little too spongy, and the blankets were a little too thin, but Jane didn’t mind. Despite the fact she’d spent the whole day sitting, she was completely exhausted, and as she sunk into the bed, she closed her eyes and felt her body relax.

“Hey,” a voice awoke Jane. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed, and she felt a blend of amusement and irritation at the fact that she’d fallen asleep so suddenly. She opened her eyes to see Audrey leaning over her, her face indecipherable as always. The dusk light that filtered through the blinds before had been replaced by a fluorescent buzz since she had laid down.

“I thought you’d want to get some dinner,” Audrey said, sitting to tie her shoes. Jane was hungry. Grumbling alongside her stomach, she pushed herself out of bed, half-consciously stumbling down to the car.

They ate at a quiet McDonald’s not too far along the highway. Coming out of the bathroom, Jane was surprised to see that Audrey had already ordered for her, getting her old favorite. Jane’s usual order had changed in the last two years, but she was admittedly touched that Audrey would remember something like that.

Returning to the hotel room, Jane flopped down onto the bed without changing, and it was just a few minutes before she was fast asleep.

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In the morning, it was Jane’s turn to drive. They headed back out along I-74 after a quick stop for breakfast. She and Audrey didn’t talk that much, but Jane didn’t really mind. She was focused on the road, carefully following the weaving turns through the Appalachians. Jane was glad that she had remembered to grab a box of Dramamine before they left, as even with the medicine in her system she felt slightly nauseous. Audrey gazed out the window the whole way, watching as the trees flew past.

Jack had been quiet in the backseat. Jane had expected him to make more of a fuss about traveling, but as soon as she started up the engine, he immediately drifted asleep. Jane would sometimes steal quick looks back at him when the road straightened out, watching his tiny chest rise and fall.

Audrey had her feet up on the dashboard, and Jane had to remind herself over and over that it wasn’t her car. Jane could never imagine being okay with someone doing that in her car, especially if she had worked for it as hard as Audrey did.

The summer after her senior year, Audrey began putting in for as many hours as she could at the bookstore she worked at, picking up extra shifts from her coworkers when they came up. Outside work, she had put up a few flyers around the neighborhood advertising her photography services, and she made extra money here and there doing portraits and selling prints at the library art fairs.

And then one day in late June, an old beat-up black Chevrolet Impala pulled into the driveway. Jane remembered how her mother had stormed outside in confusion, Jane trailing after her. And then Audrey climbed out of the driver’s seat, a proud grin on her face. She had found an ad for it in the classifieds, and after bartering for an hour, Audrey was just able to afford it.

With the shape it was in, it was a miracle it had even made it back to the house. Audrey and her friend Terry had spent the rest of the summer fixing it back up, and it seemed like every part under the hood needed to be replaced. There were still some issues that came up from time to time, but the car had for the most part been nursed back to good health, and last year, Audrey had finally made the cross-country trip to college without any problems — at least that Jane had heard about.

With a loose flick, Audrey watched as the butt of her extinguished cigarette flew out in the window, snapping behind them in the wind. The highway had been following a river for the last dozen or so miles, and Jane felt a humid rush of air against her cheek as Audrey rolled her window back up.

The sky was dark when they pulled off I-64, and at the motel, Jane again fell fast asleep as her head hit the pillow.

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“So then we’d need to be at Louisville…”

Jane rubbed her eyes, leaning up from the bed. She could feel an ache in her lower back from the way she had slept. Across the room, a blur in the shape of Audrey leaned over the room’s desk, the white window light tracing her fuzzy silhouette. Jane wondered if Audrey even knew she had spoken.

“What’s going on?” Jane asked, her voice a little creaky from rest. She cleared her throat.

Audrey stood up from the desk with the crinkle of laminated paper. She walked over to the bed, as Jane’s fingers fumbled along the bedside table. Jane brushed her hair out of her face and pushed her glasses onto her nose. Audrey was standing over her, spreading the map across the gaudy floral comforter.

“I think we’re lagging behind,” Audrey said, resting her finger on their location.

“Last time I drove out, I had made it to here by day three,” she traced her finger westward, stopping about 50 miles from where they were. “So we’ll need to go a little farther today to make up for it.” She followed her finger along to Louisville, a long way west.

Jane flashed an embarrassed expression down at the sheets. She had probably been a little too careful with the turns yesterday. The road was windier than she was used to, so she had decided to go a little slower, thinking of her nausea from Thursday. She hadn’t thought it would matter. She looked back up at her sister.

Audrey leaned over the bed, wearing a men’s tank top and a pair of light-washed jeans. Her hair hung forward over her shoulders, still a little wet from when she must have showered earlier. Audrey’s olive eyes watched Jane through a couple rogue strands of hair, a serene look on her face. Jane felt a twinge of jealousy in her stomach as she looked up at Audrey. Jane had to put in so much effort if she wanted to look good, and Audrey was still prettier just rolling out of the shower. Jane suddenly felt very aware of the oil on her face that had gathered overnight. She furrowed her brow, trying to focus back on what Audrey had said.

“Okay,” Jane said. “So we’re leaving earlier, then?”

Audrey shrugged, straightening up from the bed. “Or we could just drive until a little later. It doesn’t really matter, I just thought you should know.” She turned to pack up her suitcase.

Jane got ready for the long day. The motel ran out of hot water while she showered, and she nearly slipped on the tile while trying to get out. By the time she left the bathroom, still shivering, Audrey’s things were neatly stowed away.

In the lobby of the motel, the owner asked them about their trip as she cooked them breakfast. She was a kind woman, with a smile that never seemed to leave her face. She was particularly excited to meet Jack, who snuggled up against her chest while they ate.

Audrey was driving today. Jane packed her luggage into the car, and they drove back off. West Virginia was lush, and Jane watched as people milled about a farmer’s market in town. Out the window, she could hear the chatter of birds.

Audrey was a less gentle driver than her sister, so as soon as they got back on the highway Jane fumbled through the backseat for her Dramamine, her stomach already beginning to lurch. Now that she didn’t have to focus on driving, she found herself enamored by the view. The mountains were beautiful against the cloudy sky, and Jane could barely remember seeing a deeper shade of green. In the trees off the road, she spotted a family of deer grazing.

Jane smiled, feeling her shoulders relax as she leaned back into the seat. She could hear the gentle hum of the wheels resonating through her head. The cloud-filtered sunlight felt like a blanket against her chest. Closing her eyes, she felt the warmth wash through her.

Jane ended up making some good progress through The Hobbit that day. She could see why Louise would like the book so much, although she found it a little slow for her liking. Jack was still a total sweetheart in the backseat, and when Jane took him up onto her lap to feed him, he gobbled up her celery like a machine. She scratched him behind the ears. He purred.

It was good that Jack was here. It had been so long since Jane had been this far from home, and she could feel unease about it burning in the pit of her stomach. But when she petted Jack, she felt all that fade away. He fell asleep, limp in her lap for a while before she put him back in his cage.

Jane was grateful when they finally came down off the mountains in the afternoon. The mountains had been beautiful, but the constant turning back and forth had begun to wear on her. Off the road, farmhouses dotted the rolling Kentucky hills.

They decided to stop off for lunch at a little diner off the highway.

They sat at a windowside booth, watching the cars pass by. The diner was pretty quiet, with just a few customers dotting the place. There was just a single waiter, a bearded man who was making chit-chat with a couple at the end of the counter.

Their conversation was shallow as usual. But the sandwiches they ordered were good, and by the time they returned to the cool late-summer air, the travel exhaustion Jane had built up over the day had mostly dissipated. The midday sun cast a harsh light on the parking lot as they walked back to the car. There was a clatter as a gust of wind carried an empty paper cup across the hot asphalt.

Jane checked the map once they headed back out along the highway. By the road signs, it looked like they were still behind pace to get to Louisville at a good time. It seemed like it would be a late drive after all.

At least it was Jane’s turn to pick the music. She nodded her head along to Earth, Wind & Fire’s That’s the Way of the World, her personal favorite album of all time. She gazed idly out the window, watching the wildflowers flash past in a beautiful display of color. Jane grabbed Jack from the backseat.

He was a ball of energy for once, hopping circles in her lap. Snatching him in an adoring swoop, Jane planted a big kiss on his forehead. Keeping her eyes locked on the road, Audrey reached over and gently petted Jack on the head. Jane could tell the little guy had been growing on her over the last few days, and she beamed at her sister finally giving Jack attention. Jack hopped over into Audrey’s lap, purring at her continued petting. Audrey shifted a little bit at the stab of his claws, but she didn’t try to stop him. Curling up in her lap, the rabbit shut his eyes. Jane watched as a grin crept across Audrey’s face. The sisters exchanged quick smiles as Jack began to drift asleep.

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“Oh shit.”

Jack was still out cold on Audrey’s lap, basking in the afternoon sunlight. They had passed through Lexington without trouble, and Jane, lost in her reading, had barely noticed the hours pass by.

Jane looked up from her book. Audrey frowned down at the dashboard, biting her lip in concern. “What’s going on?”

“We’re really low on gas,” Audrey said. Jane leaned over to look at the indicator. It was currently hovering right over E, swathed in bright red. Jane felt a burst of anxiety course through her system. She looked up right as the sign flew by: Gas – Exit 43. That shouldn’t be too far away. Still, the idea of getting stranded on the road so late in the day unnerved her. Jane took a deep breath and tried to slow her racing thoughts.

A weary rattle from the car shut down any chance of that happening.

“Fuck!” Audrey yelled, scaring Jack awake and off her lap. The rabbit immediately began to dash around in a panic, kicking Jane’s book to the floor with a thud. Jane yelped as Jack’s paw dug into her stomach, launching himself onto the dashboard. Audrey rapidly shifted the car into neutral.

The car was already beginning to drag, the seatbelt pulling against Jane’s chest as she scrambled to capture Jack. Audrey frustratedly jabbed at the hazard lights button. The road was empty around them as she moved to change to the far right lane. Without power steering, Audrey strained to steer the car towards the side of the road.

“Fucking piece of shit,” Audrey muttered. Jack had calmed down some, but he was still dashing aimlessly in the back seat. They had made it into the right lane, but it was clear they weren’t going to make it to the next exit. The car had slowed down to a crawl, and with the last of the car’s momentum, Audrey was just able to pull them off the highway.

“Motherfucker,” she growled at the car, her lips thin in anger. Jane managed to grab Jack and hurriedly shove him into his cage. The car was in a state of disarray from the rabbit’s rampage. Audrey took a deep, shuddering breath.

Jane watched her as she batted a clump of white fur off the dashboard. Audrey turned the key and the raspy hum of the engine finally stopped. The sisters sat in silence for a moment.

Audrey let out a groaning sigh and opened her door. Jane felt a gentle breeze on her cheek.

“The sign said there should be gas that way,” Jane offered, pointing in the direction they were driving. Audrey gave a vacant nod in response.

“Are you gonna come with me?” Audrey asked, bending down to peer through the car. Jane raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“Sure, um,” Jane paused, thinking. “What about our stuff? Jack?”

“They’ll be fine. We’ll be back before you know it.”

Jane looked at her. Whatever. She didn’t think she could bear to sit alone in the car for that long. Besides, she really needed to stretch her legs.

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Jane looked down at Jack as he began to graze on the rabbit food she had sprinkled in his cage.

“I won’t be gone for too long, okay?”

Jack didn’t reply.

Jane closed the car door behind her. Audrey leaned against the hood of the car, her hair blowing gently in the wind from beneath a red USC baseball cap. She blocked the sun with her eyes, watching as Jane carefully made her way over the uneven dirt.

“Ready to go?” Audrey asked.

“Ready.”

They headed off along the highway. The summer sun was beating down hard, so Jane was grateful for the gentle wind cooling her down. The tall grasses along the road caught the breeze, rippling lazily.

Traffic was slow, so for most of the walk it was just the two of them making their way along the road. Jane had been right: it was nice to stretch her legs. Still, it was a small relief compared to the stress she felt about the whole situation. She had never run out of gas before, and she didn’t think that getting stranded on the roadside in the middle of nowhere was a good place to start. She wasn’t even sure if Audrey knew what she was doing.

Jane took a glance over her shoulder. It had seemed like they had been walking for so long, but she could still manage to read the car’s license plate from where they were. The highway went straight for as far as she could see, which made it nearly impossible to tell how far they had gone, or how far they had to go. She hoped the exit wasn’t too far away.

Jane watched as a flock of birds flew overhead. Despite the heat, the scenery was beautiful. The sisters continued down the highway, passing an enormous patch of dandelions. Jane could see a few butterflies flitting among the flowers.

Still, Jane found herself worrying. Almost everything she owned and loved had been left all alone on the side of the road way out in the boonies, guarded by only a shabby eleven-year-old trunk lock. She pictured Jack sitting there in his cage as a robber rifled through her backpack, taking her wallet, her ID, the necklace Louise had given her…

“How’s Neil doing?” Audrey looked surprised when Jane asked her.

“My boyfriend?” Audrey looked over at her sister. Jane was relieved she had gotten the name right. She could never decide between that and Nick. “We broke up.”

It was Jane’s turn to look surprised. “I’m really sorry.”

Audrey’s eyes were trained on the road at her feet. A truck drove past, kicking up dust behind it.

“It’s fine,” Audrey said, “I think I had known for a while.”

“What happened?”

Audrey sighed. “Long distance relationships are hard. We called twice a week, and sent letters, but it’s still so different from actually being there with him.” Jane nodded.

“Anyway, we would tell each other about what we had been doing, and who we were hanging out with. I got to know about all his friends in Reno, and he got to know my USC friends too. But about halfway through fall semester of sophomore year, he started mentioning this girl, Sally. And all his friends were men, so I asked him about it, and he just told me not to worry, that she was friends with all of his friends too. So I decided to trust him on it.”

“And you shouldn’t have?” Jane asked. Audrey looked over, a bitter smile on her face.

“When we got back for the summer he was acting distant, and at that point I think some part of me already knew. We would still talk and spend time together, but it was all surface-level, you know? But he was always on the phone, and I knew from overhearing that it was Sally most of the time. ‘She’s closer than the guys, it’s just ‘cause it’s cheaper.’ He really thought I’d believe that. Then in July he broke up with me.” As Audrey spoke, Jane could hear fury creep into her voice. She glared at the asphalt from beneath lowered brows, her lips pursed in anger.

“And not even a week later I heard through Nancy that Neil and Sally were dating.”

“I’m really sorry,” Jane offered.

“Thanks,” Audrey said, eyes fixed on the road. “I sort of knew for a while, so it wasn’t much of a surprise. But still.”

Audrey looked up again, taking a breath. Her face was already clear of emotion.

In the distance, Jane could just make out a slight curve in the road. It was good to see some sign of progress, no matter how slight. Behind them, the Impala was only a gleam in her vision. It couldn’t be too much farther now. Jane could feel moisture gathering on her neck. She wished she had worn something a little lighter. She wore a striped long sleeve shirt, which would have been perfect for the drive. It was less perfect for trekking across rural Kentucky in August. Jane rolled her sleeves up, letting the breeze cool her arms.

They walked on in silence. Jane couldn’t believe that someone would treat Audrey with so little respect. Her chest was heavy with loathing for Neil. She couldn’t even imagine how Audrey felt.

Jane kicked a rock along the highway, watching as it turned and dove under the guardrail. The sun had begun to duck behind the hills, sparing them from the beating sun. Jane was thankful for the shade, but her gratitude was cut with a hint of anxiety. If the sun was beginning to set now, who knew how late it would be when they finally made it back to the car? Jane wanted nothing more than to sink into some stained mattress in a peeling room and let sleep take her.

“How’re you feeling about college?” Audrey’s hat was off her head, tucked beneath her arm. She ran a hand back through her hair, wiping off the sweat that came away on her jeans.

Jane met her gaze. “It’s weird to leave home.” Jane paused for a second, figuring out how to put it. “I think some part of me expects to just wake up back in my bed, that everything is gonna go back to normal. It’s like I can’t believe everything in my life that I’m used to is just gone now.”

Jane almost flinched at the press of Audrey’s hand on her arm. Her sister’s hands were softer than she had expected, her thumb soothing against Jane’s bicep.

“I get it,” Audrey said. Jane felt her grip weaken, and Audrey hesitated before returning her hand to her side. “It was hard for me to leave home too.”

Audrey’s lips were parted, as though she was going to say something more. Suddenly, her eyes widened, a grin on her face. “Hey, look!”

The road had straightened out, revealing another flat stretch of highway. But there up ahead, Jane could just barely see the right lane split off into an exit. Jane beamed over at her sister.

The sun was nearing the horizon when the girls finally arrived at the vacant gas station. The smell of gasoline hung low in the air.

Jane breathed a sigh of relief as she collapsed onto a bench beside the door. Across the road, a grove of tall trees swayed in the wind. Audrey sat down beside her, tucking one foot up on the seat of the bench as she slouched into the painted brick wall.

It was so quiet there, away from the highway. Jane watched as a lone crow flew out of the trees, perching on the powerlines. A breeze blew across the girls, picking up the heat rising off of the sun-soaked concrete. It felt like a hug against Jane’s body.

Audrey felt around in her jeans pockets. “You brought money, right?” she asked, looking over at Jane. Jane felt ice rush through her veins.

“I thought you were going to bring it,” Jane turned to her sister, wide-eyed. Audrey mirrored her expression of shock. The sisters stared at each other in silence.

Then Audrey’s face melted into a shit-eating grin. “I’m joking.” She pulled a wad of bills from her pocket. Jane shoved her sister into the arm of the bench. “Hey!”

“Fuck you!” Jane yelled, her face breaking into a relieved smile. Audrey snickered as she clambered to her feet, pushing open the door of the store. A bell attached to the door jingled. Jane rolled her eyes in amused frustration and followed Audrey inside.

A woman emerged from a back room, waving at the pair. She wore a faded blue apron, her hair tied back in a neat bun. She gave a gap-toothed grin as Audrey approached the counter. “What pump are you girls on?” Audrey leaned into the counter, explaining the situation as Jane took a look around.

The store had a sort of rural charm to it, a line of dark wood shelves splitting the room in two. Jane could still smell the tang of sap as she passed them. She reached into a lone cooler at the back of the place, pulling out a can of Pepsi. She placed it on the counter by her sister as the woman returned from the back with a gas canister.

Jane really had to pee.

She stopped to look at a rack of cassettes for a moment, before heading to the store’s bathroom.

When she came out a minute later, the store was empty. Through the door frame, she saw Audrey standing awkwardly on the concrete as the owner stood at a gas pump, filling up the can. Jane exited, feeling the hot wind rush against her as she stepped back outside. Audrey turned and waved, Jane’s Pepsi grasped in her other hand.

Jane took the soda from her sister. Audrey had already opened it, and from the looks of it, taken a sip or two. Jane drank from the bottle as well. Audrey turned back to the pump right as the woman finished filling up the canister.

“There you go,” she said, wiping her hands on her apron. “That should be more than enough for you to get back here and properly fill up.” She smiled, handing the canister to Audrey.

“Thank you, Miss Murphy,” Audrey said, smiling at her. The woman beamed back.

“You’re welcome, Miss Evans,” she said. Her attention was caught by the sound of a sedan pulling up to one of the pumps. She gave a wave to the driver. “Well, I’ve got to go help him out. I’ll see you girls soon!”

She flashed them one last smile before heading back inside.

“Are we going then, Miss Evans?” Jane asked. Audrey rolled her eyes, turning towards the road.

The trip back to the highway had seemed shorter this time, which Jane took as a good sign for the return trip. Her legs already ached from the walk there. Audrey reached out her hand, gesturing for the soda.

“Didn’t you get anything?” Jane asked, handing her the can. Audrey took a sip, returning the drink to Jane as she swallowed.

“Not to drink.” Audrey reached into her pants pocket, pulling out a cassette. A blond man smiled from the cover. Jane didn’t recognize the album. “Tom Petty, self-titled.”

Jane nodded as though she knew. Audrey reached back into her pants, pulling out another cassette, this time with a white case. Audrey looked over to Jane. “Fl—”

“Fleetwood Mac,” Jane said, a quizzical expression on her face. “Rumours.” Audrey looked up at her, matching Jane’s confusion. “I didn’t know you liked them.”

“You like Fleetwood Mac?” Audrey asked, a tone of disbelief in her voice. The two girls stopped, turning towards each other as a red station wagon drove past.

“Of course I like them. What, you think I only listen to Earth, Wind & Fire?” Jane searched Audrey’s face.

“Yeah, kinda,” Audrey replied, a grin blooming on her face. Jane sighed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. Audrey went on. “I’m just surprised you like a band that’s so… rock.” Jane shrugged, continuing to walk.

“I thought they’d be too pop for you,” Jane shot back.

“Okay,” Audrey’s breath was short from having to carry the gas can. “Okay. So what's your favorite song?”

“Dreams,”

“Yeah, but—”

“—but that’s everyone’s favorite,” Jane finished. “So aside from that, I’d say Gold Dust Woman.” Audrey cocked her head at Jane. A car down the road caught them in its headlights, the cold glow catching the outline of Audrey’s impressed smile.

“That’s a good pick,” Audrey said, shielding her eyes from the glare. “Although The Chain would be my favorite.” She paused as the car passed. “Aside from Dreams, of course.”

“Of course,” Jane said, looking Audrey up and down. She was visibly tired from carrying the gas can so far. Jane gestured out for it, taking the can by the handle. Audrey took the Pepsi bottle in return. The can was pretty heavy, and the plastic was coated in a thin layer of grease that stuck to her fingertips. Jane could feel the liquid inside sloshing around. In the fading sunlight, she could just make out the shape of her sister’s car in the distance. There weren’t any signs of trouble, which Jane took as a reassurance, although she noticed she hadn’t been as anxious on the return journey.

“How did you find out about them?” Jane asked her sister, who seemed relieved about the lightened load.

“Terry’s got a record player in his garage,” Audrey massaged her wrist. “He would put on records while we fixed up the Impala. Fleetwood Mac — the self-titled — was one of our favorites. And he showed me Rumours this summer.”

“I love the self-titled too.”

Audrey laughed. Jane couldn’t remember the last time she had heard her sister laugh like that. The sound echoed down the road. They kept talking about the album as they walked on towards the car, going over their least favorite songs, the best lyrics, the interviews they had read in magazines. Jane listened intently as her sister explained the bassist and pianist’s divorce, moonlight glinting off her teeth.

It all felt so surreal.

Back in middle school, the two of them used to pool their money together to buy records from a music store a few blocks from school. Then they would sit on their parent’s bed, chatting and joking while the album played. Some of the best conversations she could remember took place on that bed, bantering back and forth about the music and their lives. She remembered crying on that bed, the day after Wally Weber rejected her, and the way Audrey had comforted her, the way they hugged as Paul McCartney played in the background.

And now here they were, talking about music again like nothing had ever happened. Jane felt a rise in her chest, followed by a dull ache. It had been so easy for them to slip back into their old chemistry. So why hadn’t it happened sooner? And why had it happened at all?

When Audrey started dating her first boyfriend and grown apart from her sister, it was devastating. Above all else, the worst part was not knowing why. Jane tried everything she could to win back her sister’s attention, but Audrey never gave in. She talked about it again and again with Louise, and the only thing she could settle on was that things had just changed. And that was how she came to deal with it: it wasn’t a personal avoidance, just an inevitable parting as they grew into different people.

And that hurt for her — how couldn’t it? But at least it was an answer, one that she could understand and separate from herself. And with that answer, she was able to move on, to find new friends, new things to do. It was a foundation she could build off of.

But now, here they were again, and despite all the differences that had built up in years past, they were talking just like they used to. It was sweet to get back to, but Jane couldn’t help but feel a little shaken. If they could have been like this all this time, why did Audrey become so distant? The pieces just didn’t fit, and only two solutions seemed apparent: either Jane had done something to push her sister away, or Audrey had some reason to pull back. Neither was comforting.

Despite the nagging worry in her throat, she forced herself to zone back into the conversation. She had spent so long dreaming of a breakthrough like this, and if she let it slip through her fingers again she would never forgive herself. She heard herself reply to something Audrey had said. A gentle cascade of distant bird calls sounded through the trees. The moon hovered above the highway, casting a soft glow over the Kentucky hills. The twilight air was cool against Jane’s neck. It was such a beautiful night. She was almost sad when she saw the shape of the car looming close along the roadside.

Well, not really, but it was the nicest it had been all day.

The car was intact, thankfully, and the two of them wasted no time in getting the tank filled up. As soon as Audrey took the can from her, Jane rushed to the back seat window. Inside, Jack chirped excitedly upon seeing her. The car wasn’t too hot inside, which she was grateful for. Jane had taken the care to open both passenger side windows all the way for him, and he seemed to have made it through unscathed.

Jane shuffled to the side as Audrey leaned in to look at him as well. Reaching her finger down through the window, she scratched his head through the bars of the cage. The little rabbit purred in response.

Jane pulled open the passenger door and collapsed inside. The cushion of the seat cradled her, soothing the burning feeling in her aching legs. She was so glad to be back.

Audrey sat down beside her, key at the ready. She slotted it into the car. Jane could feel her heart pounding. Audrey turned the key, breath held.

KRRR-RRRR-RRRRR-RRR

The car’s engine whined, stalling. Audrey turned the key back. “This can take a few tries.” Jane wasn’t quite sure which of them Audrey was talking to. Her lips were tense as she readied her hand on the key.

She twisted the key. Again, the engine called out in protest. Audrey held the key in position, listening for the sound of the engine finally starting. It continued to whir. Jack yelped in fright in the backseat. At last, Audrey gave up.

No matter how hard they tried, the engine would not start. With each attempt, Jane could feel the hope draining out of her. It was five tries later when Audrey finally pulled the key out of the car.

“Fuck,” Audrey muttered, pressing her hand to the bridge of her nose. She breathed in deeply, trying to calm herself. Jane felt dread wash through her. They had walked for so long in the oppressive summer heat for that gas. All the while, she had dreamed of some squeaky and lumpy bed to drive her forward. Now, that image seemed like water in her hands, spilling through her fingers until nothing remained. It was so unfair.

Audrey turned to her sister, breathing a heavy sigh. “I think we’ll sleep here.” Jane looked at her. She lacked the energy to respond. “We'll try again in the morning. Me and Terry talked about this once, sometimes it can take time for the engine to start up again.”

“I really wanted to sleep in a bed,” Jane said, her voice weak. Her sister met her gaze, lips pursed in sympathy.

“I know,” Audrey said, turning to look out the windshield as she thought. “But we’ll make this work. I can move some stuff around. It’ll work out.” Jane took a shuddering breath and returned a resigned nod.

---------------------------

Between the trunk and the car’s footwells, they had been able to shuffle around their luggage enough to leave two spots to sleep: the backseat and the front passenger seat. Jack was sleepy like always, and he hadn’t even stirred as they moved his cage onto the pile of belongings looming in the driver’s seat.

Jane watched the rabbit’s chest rise and fall in the moonlight. The moon was nearly full, so the woods around them were caught in the cool glow of moonlight. Through the windshield, Jane could clearly make out the stars, spotting the twinkle of Orion and Cassiopeia. The chirp of crickets rang through the night.

Audrey lay down in the backseat, eyes closed, her fingers interlaced over her stomach. She looked so peaceful. Jane smiled at her, a thrum of love in her heart.

A gust of cold wind blew through the open window. The temperature had dropped since they got back, and Jane could feel the goosebumps rising on her arms. Jane reached out for the crank, trying to roll up the window. But, as the girls discovered while they were setting up for the night, ever since Jane rolled down the window for Jack it would not go back up. She pushed harder into the handle, hoping that it would give, but she decided it was best not to risk breaking it further.

She closed her eyes, tucking her hands beneath her arms for warmth. She wished she had something heavier to wear. She had a few sweaters in the boxes in the trunk, but after how long it had taken to pack, she discounted the idea. She pulled her knees up towards her chest, turning to watch Jack. She just had to fall asleep, and she would wake up with the sun warming her face.

As hard as she tried, sleep would not come. It felt like every time she began to doze off, a sudden burst of cold wind would come like ice on her skin to stir her. Eventually, she decided to stop trying. Jane sat up in her seat.

Looking out the windshield, she was startled by the glow of eyes staring back at her. Jane reached for her glasses, pushing them onto her nose. Her eyes focused onto the sight of a deer looking back at her. The sheen of moonlight caught its fur, tracing a line along its body. The deer cocked its head at her, and the two watched each other for a moment.

A car’s headlights wound their way around a bend in the road, and the deer dashed into the brush. Jane’s heart was still racing from the shock. The wind picked up again, and Jane shivered.

She turned in her seat to look at Audrey. Her sister was still awake, watching the stars through the window. She propped herself up on her elbow, looking back at Jane.

“What’s up?” she asked.

Jane shrugged. “I’m just cold.”

They looked at each other in silence for a second. Audrey didn’t seem quite sure what to say. “I’m sorry you’re cold.”

“Thanks.” Jane thought for a moment, feeling the words on the edge of her tongue. “Um, do you think I could sleep back there?” Audrey’s eyebrows raised a bit. “Just because it’s so cold?” Audrey sat up a little more, looking back at her sister, searching her face. It was hard to make out her expression against the window’s light.

“Sure,” she replied, laying back down. Jane placed her glasses on the center console.

The cold air was ready for Jane as she clambered out of the car. She was quick to climb back into the backseat with Audrey. It was warmer here. Audrey slid to the side, making a little more space for Jane on the outside of the seat. It would definitely be a squeeze. Jane thought about returning to the front seat, but the threat of the cold air silenced her doubts. She was too tired to care. She just needed to sleep.

Jane was mindful of her elbows as she lay down beside her sister. The seat cushion was soft, and it sank beneath her weight, sloping the surface below her towards the edge. Her torso began to slide towards the floor, and she caught herself from falling with her arm.

“You alright?” she heard a whisper from behind her.

“Yeah,” Jane replied.

Jane pushed herself back up onto the seat as Audrey scooched to the side, leaving barely any more space.

Jane decided to just bite the bullet.

Turning, Jane nestled into Audrey’s side, her face lying gently atop Audrey’s shoulder. Jane studied Audrey’s face for any signs of discomfort, but her sister’s eyes were closed, her face at rest. She looked so peaceful, her chest rising and falling in a delicate rhythm. Audrey’s hair fell flat against the car seat, flowing outwards in a messy moonlit halo. Jane couldn’t remember the last time they had been this close.

Jane relaxed into Audrey, feeling the warmth of her body chase away the chill in her bones. Her sister’s skin was like silk against her cheek, and Jane drowsily smiled at the faint aroma of tobacco and dry grass. If she listened, she could hear the steady pulse of Audrey’s heart beneath her.

She listened until she couldn’t resist the pull of sleep any longer. Cradled between the warmth of her sister and the cool light of the stars, Jane smiled as, at last, she drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: Dreams
507 / 2992 mi
Waddy, KY
August 14, 1977

When Jane woke up, Audrey was gone.

Jane sat upright in the backseat of the Impala, staring with unfocused eyes at the vinyl seat where her sister should be. She felt the hair on her arms bristle. It was cold without Audrey.

Jane looked out the window, scanning the moonlit road outside. Her sister was nowhere to be seen. Jane thought about just lying down and waiting until Audrey got back, but the nagging curiosity in the back of her head talked her out of it.

Jane sighed.

The car door closed behind her as she stepped out onto the road, taking the crisp air into her lungs. The crickets had stopped chirping, leaving the road silent except for the faint rustling of leaves around her. Jane looked around, searching for where her sister could have gone.

Her eyes caught on a broken section of guardrail just across the road, rusted metal twisting away towards the trees, almost inviting. Through the gap, Jane could see where the trampled grass cut a trail down the hill.

Jane crossed the road quickly, following the shoulder to the breach in the rail. The path down wasn’t too steep, and it flattened out quickly. Jane took one final look at the road before heading down.

She was careful as she descended, gaze locked on the uneven soil at her feet, arms out for balance. A trail of hoof prints crossed the ground. As Jane neared the base of the hill, she let herself stumble the rest of the way. The trees were sparser here, letting the moonlight cast speckles on the foliage around her. The path continued through the plants ahead.

The bushes scratched her arms as she made her way through, pushing branches out of the way as she went.

The greenery cleared, and Jane found herself standing at the edge of an open meadow. Before her, a sea of wildflowers swayed in the wind. Fireflies dotted the air, blinking lazily in the breeze.

A hushed voice cut through the silence. “Jane!”

Jane turned to see her sister sitting on a log, waving in her direction. Shadows from the branches above danced across her skin. Audrey wore her red jacket, one arm braced against the log behind her.

Jane crossed the grass, hopping up to sit beside her sister on the log. The wood was warm below her. Audrey tilted her head back, facing the sky.

The stars were so clear here, away from the road. The faint curve of the milky way drew a cloudy arc across the sky. Jane couldn’t remember ever seeing so many stars.

Tentatively, Jane leaned her head on Audrey’s shoulder, feeling the warmth against her cheek. The rustle of the tall grass soothed Jane as she let her head relax against Audrey. Jane felt her sister’s hand against the back of her head, tousling her hair.

Jane tilted her head to look up at Audrey, admiring her profile, the way the starlight caught the peach fuzz on her face. Audrey looked down at Jane in return, faintly smiling.

Their faces were so close now. Jane could make out every detail in her sister’s face, even in the dim light. Audrey’s hand kept ruffling at Jane’s hair, slower now, fingers tracing warm lines across her head. Although she couldn’t say why, Jane felt her heart beat faster as Audrey’s hand moved to her cheek, her thumb gentle against Jane’s skin.

Audrey leaned forward and their lips met.

Jane grasped at her sister’s arm in shock, eyes wide, heart pounding. Audrey’s lips were soft against hers, her breath hot and tinged with tobacco. It felt as though time had stopped, like all the world had turned to watch as they kissed.

Audrey pulled back almost instantly. Her face was bright red, brows pinched in concern. She searched Jane’s face, trying to gauge her sister’s reaction.

Jane’s eyes were still wide, her jaw slacked in shock. Her heart felt like it was trying to break out of her chest. She felt almost numb. The world was still silent as their gazes met, trading expressions of surprise.

Without thinking, Jane pressed her lips back against her sister’s, throwing her arms over Audrey’s shoulders, eyes shut in abandon as they kissed. Audrey’s touch was lightning against her face, sending bursts of electricity coursing through her body. Jane felt butterflies churning in her stomach, stealing the strength from her arms.

Jane.

Audrey grasped Jane’s face in her hands, pulling their faces more firmly together. Jane felt as her sister’s hands wandered back, running her fingers through Jane’s hair. Jane’s lips were desperate on Audrey’s, pressing against her like the first drink of water after years of thirst.

Jaaaane.

Not now, Jane thought, as Audrey’s lips began to part, pushing her tongue forward into Jane’s mouth. Audrey’s arms felt so safe around her. Still, something nagged at the back of her head, like a black hole widening every time Jane became more aware of it.

Audrey’s hands wandered lower, trailing fire on her waist. Jane gasped into Audrey’s mouth as her sister’s fingers explored. God, she wished this moment could last forever—

---------------------------

“Jane.”

Jane’s eyes opened to the blinding sunlight streaming in through the car window. The low rumble of cars reverberated in her ears. Jane’s face felt comfortably warm in the light.

Audrey sat upright against the window, looking down at Jane. Her hair fell in waves over her shoulders, glowing before the light. Jane felt her breath catch in her throat as her dream came rushing back to her.

“We should probably leave soon,” Audrey said, tucking her hair behind her ear. Jane tried to keep as stoic of an expression as possible as she sat up opposite her sister.

“Yeah, okay,” Jane replied, blood pounding in her ears. She knew there was no way Audrey could know what she had been dreaming about. Unless, she thought, had she spoken in her sleep? Jane’s stomach turned at the possibility.

Audrey hunched over the footwell, tying her shoes. She straightened back up, turning her hips towards the car door. “I’m gonna go pee before we leave.”

Jane gave her two thumbs up. “Far out!” she said, internally wincing immediately after. She had never said that before in her life. She felt her ears burning in shame.

Audrey chuckled at Jane’s comment as she climbed out of the car, an amused smirk on her face. The morning birds were loud, chirping a busy song over the wind. Bending to peer down into the car, Audrey gave Jane an amused look. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She closed the door behind her as she walked away from the car.

Jane took a second to breathe through the tightness in her chest. It was just a dream; it didn’t mean anything at all. She turned to look out the window, watching cars drive by in the morning rush. Jane let her shoulders relax.

Yesterday, she and Audrey had finally connected for the first time in years. Of course it would shake up some things in her brain. Her mind wasn’t used to that connection, and it had just taken some leaps in interpretation. She wasn’t a homosexual, and she most certainly didn’t think of her sister in that way.

Some pesky thought began to stir in the back of her mind, but she shoved it back down — the matter was settled.

---------------------------

The girls waited with bated breath as Audrey inserted the key into the car. The two had spent a quarter of an hour moving everything back to the normal traveling layout, and now there was nothing left to do but hope. At least the window had finally been able to roll up. Jack had been energetic when Jane took him out of his cage, enthusiastically lapping at Jane’s knuckles as she held him. Now he was curled up in Jane’s lap as she watched her sister twist the key.

KRRR-RRRRR-RRRR–FUUUUM-UMM-UMMM

The engine finally turned on, sending a rumble through the chassis of the car. The girls cheered, sharing high fives. Audrey grinned as she shifted the car into drive, and Jane was suddenly struck with the image of her sister on that log, hand in her hair.

Jane snapped her gaze away, looking down at Jack in her lap. She watched his body sway as the car pulled away from the shoulder. She wished she could just wipe that dream from her brain and move on.

Jane snatched her book from the backseat, tucking her bookmark by the back cover as she began to read.

It was less than a page later that Jane heard the turn signal sound as they pulled off onto the exit ramp. It had only taken a few minutes to drive what took the two of them half of yesterday to walk. The gas station was a welcome sight, one final stop before they could leave this godforsaken town and never come back.

The woman who had been working yesterday lit up when she saw the girls enter the store. “I was so worried when you didn’t come back!” She and Audrey got to talking about the Evanses’ misadventure, and Jane heard the woman chortle as Audrey explained. Jane felt a bizarre twinge of jealousy at the sight.

The air was heavy against Jane’s face when the pair stepped back outside. A thick blanket of clouds had moved in, coating the countryside in a layer of dense heat and humidity. Despite the oppressive atmosphere, there was something almost comforting about it. Jane had always loved how it felt before the rain.

Audrey and the owner exchanged final goodbyes as the girls climbed back into the car. Jane saw her waving in the side mirror as they pulled back out onto the road, although Audrey turned in the opposite direction of the highway. Jane looked over at her sister quizzically.

“She told me about a restaurant in town,” Audrey explained. “I thought we should get something to eat before heading out again.” Jane nodded. Audrey drew a cigarette from the pack in her jacket, lighting it with one hand as she drove. Jane smiled. Audrey — no. She shook the thought, pressing her lips together in frustration.

A tall church loomed above the road as they drove into town, casting a bright glare off its stained white siding. Audrey pulled the car into an empty parking spot in front of a small restaurant.

The town around them was quiet except for a couple of people Jane could see chatting on a driveway down the road. Audrey took one last drag from her cigarette before extinguishing it on an ash urn outside.

The restaurant smelled like pine sap and smoked meat. The paneled wood walls were decorated with a number of hunting trophies, the animals’ vacant eyes staring down at a stocked bar. The place was relatively quiet, with just a few well-dressed families getting a bite to eat after church. A young woman led them to a table by the window.

Audrey took a quick glance at the menu before passing it to Jane.

“I think we should take it slow today,” Audrey said, staring out the window, hands clasped beneath her chin. Jane looked up at her. “I think all this driving is burning us out. We’ll get there maybe a day or two later, but we’ll avoid things like yesterday.”

“I thought you said we were lagging already?” Jane asked, sipping her water.

“Yeah…” Audrey’s voice trailed off. “But it’s fine. I’m enjoying the trip.” She leaned back in her seat. “So we’ll try about a hundred fifty miles today, and then we can wind down at the motel.”

Jane shrugged. “That’s alright with me.”

The waitress came by and they ordered their food.

“Sorry about the gas yesterday.” Audrey looked out the window as spoke. “I should’ve been watching the level.”

Jane shrugged, nodding vacantly at the table. “Thanks.” She drummed her fingers on the table. Suddenly, she realized: she was nervous right now. She could feel the blood pulsing in her veins. Her heart was beating faster than usual.

Jane couldn’t even go out to eat without that damn dream worming its way into her subconscious. Audrey was her sister. They had the same parents, and now Jane couldn’t even chat over breakfast without getting anxious like she was some middle schooler with a crush and not a grown woman talking to her sister. She winced to herself as she looked down at her orange soda. She didn’t like how the word crush had sneaked its way into her head.

“You feeling okay?” Audrey asked, brow furrowed. Jane snapped back to reality.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jane said, trying to compose herself again. “Why do you ask?”

“You just seemed a little distant.” Audrey sipped her iced tea, stirring it as she placed it back down. “But that’s good.” she thought for a second, a smile half-formed on her face. “Far out.”

Jane blushed and rolled her eyes. She had really been hoping Audrey would forget she’d said that. Audrey took another gleeful sip of her tea, grinning.

“I had just woken up!” Jane protested. She couldn’t help but break into a smile in return.

“Is that why you’re going to Santa Cruz, to become a surfer?”

Jane groaned loudly.

“That’s groovy, dude!” Audrey joked, shaking her hand in a hang-ten. “So many people talk like that at USC. Probably at Santa Cruz too, you’ll be with your community.”

Their food finally arrived, sparing Jane from further teasing. Jane had gotten the two-egg breakfast, scrambled, and Audrey got a burger. They both began to dig in. After nearly a full day without any real food, it was delicious, and they both cleaned their plates in minutes.

---------------------------

The sisters shielded their heads from the misting rain as they walked back to the car. It was cozy inside, pleasantly warm and softly lit through the rain-speckled windshield. Jack was excited when they came back, although he might have just been smelling the scraps of lettuce Jane had grabbed off Audrey’s plate. He nibbled politely at them as Jane started up the car.

Audrey gave Jane directions as they made their way back out onto the highway. Jack had migrated over to Audrey’s lap, who stroked his head idly while staring out the window. The shy sprinkle of rain was like a lullaby in Jane’s ears. Jane saw her sister reach over for the cassette deck, slotting in an album she wasn’t quite able to make out in her peripheral vision.

A familiar guitar strum faded in, putting a smile on Jane’s face. She turned to see Audrey flashing the empty Rumours case at her as Second Hand News continued to play.

With the music playing, it felt like no time before they crossed through Louisville into Indiana. Jane had almost forgotten how much she loved that album. The rain let up around the border, and the sun began to find its way through the clouds.

Jane could hear Audrey humming along to the songs as she drove. It was faint beneath the rumble of the engine, but it was definitely there, and Jane smiled at the sound. Audrey drew on her cigarette beside her. She had opened the window to let the smoke out, so the smell of the grass after the rain was strong in the air as the album finished.

Audrey put on her new Tom Petty album next, and the rest of the drive went by fairly quickly. Now that they were out of the mountains, the scenery was much more open, and the views were prettier, especially since the rain had gone.

Audrey was serious about the shorter drive. The sun was still a few hours from setting when Audrey directed Jane off the highway. The clouds had begun to break up, leaking rays of golden light over the seas of wheat flanking the road, like fingers reaching down from the heavens.

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At the inn, the girls ate and washed up. Jane had last changed clothes two states ago, so she was grateful to finally get into her nightgown.

She lay on her stomach on the bed, playing with Jack as Audrey came out of the bathroom, dressed in a pair of olive grey corduroy pants and a black long sleeve shirt. Audrey crossed the room and kneeled to tie her shoes.

“Where’re you going?” Jane asked, placing the book face down on her lap. Audrey stood back up.

“There’s a concert going on down the street.” Audrey leaned to pick up her camera bag. “I was gonna go take photos.” She paused at the door, turning to Jane. “Did you wanna come?”

Jane thought. After all that she’d been thinking about today, she didn’t know if it was a good idea.

“Sure.” Audrey smiled in return.

“Okay,” Audrey said. “I’ll wait for you out here then.” She opened the door, letting in the sound of crickets and the distant strum of a guitar. The door shut behind her.

Jane searched through her suitcase for something to wear. It was fairly warm outside, so she settled on a white sundress with a subtle floral pattern. She also decided to bring a navy cardigan in case it got too cold.

Looking in the mirror, Jane fingered her hair tie, thinking. With a decisive pull, she let her hair down, splitting it in a middle part. With a little combing from her fingers, Jane was able to groom her hair into a nice summery look. She felt a few strands brushing against her collarbone through the collar of the dress.

Audrey was leaning against the railing when Jane came out of the room. A warm breeze blew across them. In the distance, Jane could make out the sound of a band playing a folk song.

It was a little chilly as they walked, so Jane ended up putting on her cardigan. The gravel road crunched under their feet, spitting up a cloud of dust as a truck passed them.

“You look pretty,” Audrey offered.

Jane felt her face grow hot. “Thanks,” she muttered quickly. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest before a rush of guilt poured through her veins. She couldn’t even take a compliment from her sister without going through a rollercoaster of emotions.

Jane hated feeling so much guilt over something she couldn’t control. It gnawed at her throat as though it was going to eat her alive. She didn’t choose to have that dream, to have these feelings, but she still couldn’t escape the idea that it was all her fault.

It wasn’t real, Jane told herself. It was a dream. The night before last, she dreamt all her teeth fell out, and she wasn’t terrified of going toothless. She became amused at the idea, centering herself with a long breath. Jane didn’t think of her sister like that — never thought of her sister like that — so there was nothing to fear.

Jane relaxed her shoulders. The guilt was far from gone, but it had at least lessened, chewing at her throat instead of threatening to bite clean through.

They passed a closed bar, and the music became clear in the air.

They stood at the edge of a small park, where families sat about, illuminated in the lamplight. A few children dashed around playing tag, trampling the corners of picnic blankets as they went. On the platform of a raised white gazebo, a bearded man with a guitar traded smiles with the singer as he strummed a folk song with the band. People danced on a stone floor in front of them.

Audrey had already pulled out her camera beside Jane, snapping a photograph of the scene. She walked towards the dancefloor, checking the viewfinder as she went.

Jane stood alone on the grass, watching the blinking of fireflies in the distance. The breeze was cool against her legs. She took a look around, eyeing a low stone wall along the edge of the park, just out of the way of the picnickers.

Jane sat down atop the wall, watching her sister snap pictures as the band played. Audrey crouched to get a better angle of the dance floor.

Jane wasn’t really used to this kind of music, but it grew on her throughout the night. When the band would break into an instrumental part, the singer would do a wavy sort of dance, swishing her gown around, an infectious grin upon her face.

It was during one of these breaks, some time later as the banjoist plucked lightning-quick, that Jane was shocked by a cold wet press against her shin. She nearly fell from the wall as she snapped to look down at the shaggy puppy licking at her leg.

“Shep!” A young man cried out, jogging over towards Jane. He wore a mint green button-up shirt and a pair of gray slacks held up by suspenders. He flashed an apologetic smile at Jane and leaned down to help herd his dog away. Shep turned to his owner and began to circle around him, leaving Jane alone.

The boy looked up, chuckling. “I’m awful sorry, he can be too friendly sometimes.” He had gelled brown hair and a round face, the sort of guy Jane guessed Louise would find attractive.

“It’s okay,” Jane replied, returning a polite smile. “I was just surprised by it.” He gave an understanding nod and outstretched his hand.

“Colin,” he stated. Jane shook his hand, a little surprised at the gesture. It was a bit clammy.

“Jane.”

“Nice to meet you,” Colin replied, still beaming. “I haven’t seen you around here before, where are you from?”

“North Carolina,” Jane replied, watching the singer twirl around before she came back in to sing. “I’m here on a road trip.”

“No kidding!” Colin replied. “Well, it’s super that you’re here in Haubstadt.” Jane frowned at that last word, before recognizing it as the town’s name. The boy gave her another toothy grin, wiping his palms on his slacks. “Say, I was wondering,—”

“Jane!” Audrey called out, approaching the two of them. Her camera hung from its strap at her side, bouncing against her hip as she walked. A smile bloomed across Jane’s face as her sister came over. “Sorry for leaving you alone there,” Audrey spoke to Jane but her eyes surveyed Colin.

“Oh, it’s all okay,” Jane explained. “This is Colin. Colin, this is my sister.”

“Nice to meet you,” Colin stuck his hand out towards Audrey.

“Audrey.” Audrey briefly shook Colin’s hand before letting her own fall to her side. “Jane,” Audrey turned back towards her sister. “I’m done taking photos, if you wanted to go dance?”

Jane’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. She looked around, hearing her pulse loud in her ears. The dance floor was more crowded than when they got there, and she could see people whirling around as the band played an upbeat tune. Jane turned back to Audrey, giving an ambivalent shrug.

“Okay,” Jane said, seeing a crescent smile grow on her sister’s face. Colin eyed his feet beside her. “It was nice to meet you!” she said to Colin as she pushed herself off the wall. He gave a silent nod.

“Enjoy your stay,” Colin replied, smiling politely.

Turning, Jane followed Audrey over to the dance floor.

“I hope he wasn’t bothering you too much,” Audrey said.

Jane looked up at her in surprise. She seemed serious, her brow furrowed in concern.

“What?” Jane replied, taking another look back at Colin, who bent low to scratch Shep behind the ears. “No, I thought he was being friendly?”

Audrey shrugged. “Maybe. Lots of creeps are at first.” She pressed her lips together, sighing as they parted again. “Sorry.” Audrey slowed to a halt a few yards from the dance floor, Jane stopping beside her. The band was tuning up, casting them in the quiet murmur of the crowd as Audrey looked around. “I know you can handle yourself, I…” she exhaled. “I want to look out for you. I know—”

The band blared out behind her, firing up in a blaze of drums and strummed guitar. The singer hollered out, her voice echoing throughout the park. Jane was just able to process the hand grasped around her wrist before Audrey yanked her forward into the melee.

Jane took one last glance over toward the park wall. Colin was gone.

Jane was breathless as Audrey pulled her to a stop. The crowd around them seemed a blur of movement in the dim light. Audrey reached for Jane’s other hand, adjusting her grip until their hands met between them. Jane’s heart didn’t have time to leap in her chest before she felt herself nearly pulled off her feet when Audrey began to dance.

Jane managed to find her footing against the stone tile, steadying herself just as Audrey tugged at her hand again, gentler this time. They were deeper in the crowd now. Jane felt someone else’s back bump against her own.

Jane snapped her head back as Audrey whipped her hair out of her face, nearly hitting Jane in the process. Audrey wore a wide grin as she watched Jane, a sly look in her eye. Jane returned a suspicious glance, and as she was about to say something over the din she watched her arm fly skywards as Audrey pulled her into a twirl. She heard a whoop escape from her throat as the crowd blurred around her, the hem of her dress flying outward, the buzz of dizziness warm in her head.

Then Jane felt Audrey’s hand strong against her waist, stopping the spinning of the world. Jane’s stomach turned to jelly. She nearly felt her legs give way beneath her as her face grew red hot at her sister’s touch.

The banjoist ripped his way into another solo. Jane could see a flash of the singer’s gown slicing through the night sky. Jane’s feet found themselves again as the banjo climbed.

From the turbulence of the crowd, Jane saw Audrey stumble towards her. Jane pushed back against her hands, stopping her sister just inches from her. Jane nearly tripped as Audrey accidentally stepped on her shoe, pinning her foot to the ground. Jane balanced herself with her free foot, pushing Audrey away into a spin.

Jane's forearm brushed the top of her sister’s head as Audrey twirled beneath it. Audrey stopped herself, grabbing Jane's other hand.

With a whirling phrase, the music collapsed into one last chord, fading off into the night as the dance floor clapped and cheered. Audrey swiped her hair from her face. Her hands were hot from exertion, gently clutching Jane's between the two of them.

Their eyes locked as the band began to move into a slower song. Jane looked up at Audrey, heart leaping.

But then Audrey let go of her hand, leading Jane out of the crowd. Jane followed behind her, feeling the cool breeze against her face once they stepped back into the night air. Abandoned picnic blankets were strewn about on the lawn.

Jane and Audrey followed a stone path back to the street, letting the wind cool them down.

“Thanks for coming,” Audrey offered, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. Their faces were red from the effort, painting Audrey’s cheeks in a beautiful natural blush. Her hair was a little messy too, lone strands catching the glow of the streetlights above them.

“I’m glad I did,” Jane said, giving her sister an adoring grin. “That was really fun.”

Audrey flashed a brief smile while she caught her breath.

Jane’s eyes lit up at the sign of the inn down the road. She couldn’t wait to sleep on a real mattress.

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Jane sat on her bed, reading in her nightgown as Audrey brushed her teeth in the bathroom. The room was cozier than the last few motels they had stayed at. Jane’s eyelids were heavy when Audrey was finally ready for bed, and Jane could feel the pull of sleep in her brain as she lay down in the newly dark room.

As Jane drifted off to sleep, the day floated through her mind: the breakfast the sisters had shared, the lady who filled up the gas, the rise in her chest when Audrey called her pretty, the warmth of her sister’s hand against her own.

And as she felt herself drift to sleep, some stubborn part of her, one she just couldn’t quite push down no matter how hard she tried, hoped beyond hope to dream about that meadow again.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: The Ocean
649 / 2992 mi
Haubstadt, IN
August 15, 1977

The creases of the sheets were still etched into Jane’s arm as they drove out of town, wheels crunching the gravel below.

Jane couldn’t remember the last time she had slept like that. Even with two cups of coffee in her system, her head was still fuzzy from rest. Jane swiped a grain of sand from the corner of her eyes, flicking it out the open window. The open sky was a deep blue in all directions, free of yesterday’s blanket of clouds.

Audrey had acted differently this morning. She had hardly spoken at breakfast, giving only a few words when Jane tried to make conversation. It made Jane uneasy. It wasn’t that Audrey came off as intentionally curt — then at least Jane would know that something was up — but rather their talk had been so… lifeless.

Jane eyed Audrey’s profile, feeling a twist in her gut. Awkward dreams aside, the last few days had been what Jane had always hoped for, some inexplicable resurgence of warmth between them. And right as she had begun to get used to it, their connection was gone again. A million possibilities ran through Jane’s mind, each worse than the last. Could Jane have given away how she felt?

How many times had Jane blushed yesterday? She thought back to when they danced, blanching at the image. It must have been so obvious then, the way she watched Audrey with adoring eyes, always pressing closer, her heartbeat loud in her thumbs where they touched. She felt the heat of shame and the ice of dread mixing in her chest at once.

In need of a distraction, Jane grabbed her book from the back seat.

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It was about noon when The Hobbit had finally begun to wear on her. Jane had never really read any books like it before, and the constant bombardment of unfamiliar words didn’t quite sell her on the genre.

Watching the landscape was a little better. Since they had left the mountains, the land around them had flattened out, stranding them in a broad ocean of golden farmland. Despite the monotony, Jane found it all so beautiful. Everything in her life seemed another universe away. It was like she was untouchable, invisible to the world.

It was miles later when Jane zoned back in, as they approached St. Louis. One of Audrey’s albums played, some old Doors record Audrey had made Jane dig through the back of the glove compartment to find. Jane’s eyes widened as she looked up at the St. Louis skyline.

“Arch!” Jane, grinning, pointed through the dusty windshield at the arcing figure of the Gateway Arch, looming over the St. Louis skyline. It was so much taller than she had expected. Audrey gave a slight smile and nodded, keeping her eyes on the road.

Jane felt a twinge of sadness as they crossed the Mississippi into the city of St. Louis. Despite all the differences between the cities, when she took off her glasses Jane could still imagine that she was back in Raleigh. Jane wondered where Louise was right now. She missed her so much.

Jane remembered wandering around the Museum of Life and Science with Louise, looking through the new space exhibit. They had stopped for hot dogs and slushies back home, and almost cried laughing at some dumb inside joke on the car ride back.

Jane’s vision was still blurry around the edges when she put her glasses back on. They were out of the city now. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.

The sun was nearing the horizon, as the dense buildings gave way once again to the sea of grain. The glowing end of her sister’s cigarette cast the car in orange light as Audrey at last pulled the car off the highway.

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It seemed it had only taken a day for Audrey to change her mind on slowing the pace. When Jane checked the map as they drove off the morning after, she figured they’d made about 200 miles the day before. Jane didn’t mind the longer days too much, so she figured she’d follow suit for the day’s drive.

It was beautiful driving, but Jane had begun to grow a little tired of the midwest. The world around her was unchanging, and Jane was finding it difficult to gauge how far they’d gone. She found her gaze drifting off the empty road, watching as a rolling wind blew waves across the wheat fields.

As she watched the rippling grain, she thought of the last time she’d seen real waves…

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Jane throws a rock into the water. It catches the lip of a wave, kicking up a spray of seafoam. It is twilight in Hilton Head, and the voices of George and Frances Evans can just be heard over the crackle of a roaring bonfire. The wet rocks are cold against the soles of sixteen-year-old Jane’s feet.

Her hair is a little shorter then, waving in the ocean breeze, still a little damp from swimming earlier.

“Jane!” her mother’s voice is vibrant. She beams at Jane from the log she sits on. Audrey is sitting beside her on the sand, her back against the wood as she draws in her sketchbook. Her hair hangs in her face.

Jane trudges across the sand. She’s a little winded from the sixty-foot walk, but she tries to hide the fact once she makes it back. Her mother is leaning over a backpack she brought from the campsite, fishing through it until she finds a bag of marshmallows. Jane’s father tosses a piece of firewood on the bonfire and it crackles loudly, radiating a flash of heat. Jane guards her face.

“Why don’t you two find sticks for marshmallows?” Their father offers, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. The firelight catches his face in an alien way, highlighting his stern brow and gleaming off his glasses.

Audrey looks up at their mom, shuts her sketchbook and stands up. She gives a silent nod to Jane as she passes, heading towards the tall grass lining the beach. Jane follows after. Their footsteps trace a pair of lines across the sand.

“What were you drawing?” Jane asks. They watch their feet as they cut through the grass towards some bushes. Audrey over at her. She’s wearing a t-shirt of some band she saw with her boyfriend last month. It’s much too big for her: it’s probably Tim’s.

Audrey looks over at Jane, then down at the ground. They’re at the bushes now, and Audrey’s looking through them for a stick to use.

“Sketch of me and Tim,” she replies, wrenching a stick off a dead bush. “I wanted to do something for our six-month.”

Jane feels a lump in her stomach. Has it already been six months? It feels like so much more and so much less at the same time. Audrey hands her the stick before breaking off a second for herself. She doesn’t even look at Jane before heading back to the bonfire. Jane follows after her, jogging through the sand to catch up. A piece of driftwood jabs at the sole of her foot, and Jane winces as the pain dissipates.

Their mother waits for them, a pair of marshmallows resting in the palm of her hand. Their father is elsewhere.

The girls make s’mores. Audrey focuses hard on cooking her marshmallow to a golden brown, whereas Jane lets hers burn to a flaky black almost immediately. Jane bears an anticipatory grin as she squeezes the marshmallow between a pair of crumbling graham crackers.

The s’mores are delicious, although Jane can feel the nasty crunch of a few grains of sand. Audrey is back to doodling in her sketchbook as Jane goes to make another, wiping her sticky fingers clean in the sand.

“Where’s dad?” Jane asks.

“Your father is moving your things to the tents,” her mother replies, warming her hands on the fire. If Jane was looking at Audrey, she might have noticed her sister’s eyes widening. But right now her eyes are locked onto the flaming marshmallow in front of her, watching as its skin bubbles and blackens.

“You shouldn’t let that burn for so long.”

The skin of the marshmallow is cracking, revealing a golden brown coat underneath. Jane looks at her mother briefly. “Why?”

“It’s not good for you, Jane.” Her mother sounds exasperated. Jane shoots her a glare, then feels bad and softens her gaze. She hesitates and blows out the flame anyway. The marshmallow is perfect.

“Why’s it not good for me?”

“Because I said so.”

Their father returns from the campsite. He holds an Altoids tin loosely in one hand. Audrey goes completely pale. Her pencil is pressed to her sketchpad, but it’s no longer drawing. Their father sits down next to his wife, brow creased, and he leans in to whisper something. Jane grabs a graham cracker and a piece of chocolate from beside her parents. All she can make out is her sister’s name.

“Jane,” their mother says. “Why don’t you finish setting up the tents.” Audrey slowly gets up alongside Jane, but their mother reaches to grab her arm gently.

“Stay here, Audrey.” their father’s voice is firm, almost angry. Jane doesn’t notice it, and trudges through the sand back to the campsite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jane turns in her sleeping bag. The ground is a little uneven beneath her. It’s been almost an hour and Audrey still isn’t back yet.

She can hear the waves crashing from here. She’s always loved the ocean. There’s something about its power, its peacefulness, its indifference that Jane finds romantic. Every time she wades into the water, she feels as though she’s surrendering herself to it. Once when she was little, she swam a little too far out on a windy day, and turning back to look for Audrey on the shore, she was beaten across the back by a wave, shoving her underwater. She thrashed, turning cartwheels in the surf, feeling the stinging salt water creep up her nose. When she finally came up for air, spluttering and flailing to stay surfaced, it felt like she had narrowly evaded death.

That was the power of the ocean. And still, every year since then she returns to the water. There was something strangely comforting about turning herself over to the sea, about submerging herself in the saltwater and placing her faith in the waves, praying that they gently brush against her instead of battering her underwater, filling her lungs with brine.

Jane jumps when the tent opens and Audrey crawls inside. The trees above the campsite are swaying in the wind. Audrey zips up the tent behind her and flops down on her sleeping bag next to Jane. Jane sits up, her elbows digging into the canvas beneath her.

“What happened?” Jane tries to make out her sister’s shape in the low light. She’s turned on her side away from Jane, the loose fabric of her t-shirt spreading like a puddle beneath her. Audrey doesn’t reply.

“Audge,” Jane urges, playfully. Audrey rolls over to face her. Jane catches a quick glimmer in her eyes as she turns. She’s been crying.

Jane leans in, expression turning from amused intrigue to sympathy. She reaches for Audrey’s hand, taking it in hers. It’s so cold from the wind outside. Audrey’s mouth opens and she pauses. When she finally speaks her voice is weak.

“Dad found my joints.” Audrey looks at Jane, squeezing her hand. She looks scared.

Jane looks confusedly at her, before her eyes widen in recognition.

“Like — pot?” Jane’s voice is hushed as she says it. She feels a dark turn in her stomach. If Tim put her on to that stuff she swears she’ll kill him. Audrey nods.

Jane doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t know if there’s anything to say. There’s no way Audrey ever would have tried smoking grass if they had just stayed best friends. Or maybe she would have? Jane doesn’t think she knows Audrey as well anymore, and that thought puts a wrench in her stomach.

“Dad’s really mad.” Audrey’s voice breaks as she speaks. “He says he’s going to take me to the police station.” Jane watches her with concern. “Mom doesn’t want him to.” Her breath is stuttering. Audrey shifts a little, taking Jane’s hand with both of hers. “I don’t know what’s going to happen.” It hurts Jane so much to see her sister like this.

“Do you think he’s gonna?”

“I don’t know.” Audrey stares at the floor. “I don’t know.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jane whispers, taking her other hand. Audrey’s fingers are still cold.

“Thanks,” Audrey mumbles, looking up into Jane’s eyes briefly before looking back away. She takes a shaky breath, holding Jane’s hands tight in hers. She seems a little more composed now. “Can we just stay like this?” Audrey asks, timid. She nods at their clasped hands. “For a little while?”

“Of course.”

They lie there, as the waves crash in the distance, Jane holding Audrey’s hands in hers, soothing with her thumb. Her sister’s fingers are beginning to warm up, already, and drowsiness captures both of them before long.

They fall asleep like that, and when they wake in the morning they are still holding each others’ hands between them, palms pressed against one another as if in prayer.

---------------------------

Jane zoned back in. She was glad the driving was dull, or she might have crashed the car daydreaming. The sky was dark now, the setting sun casting a dark orange glare across the sky. A punchy rock song played on the car’s speakers — Led Zeppelin, she thought?

From the signs lining the highway, Jane could tell they were nearly out of Missouri. The idea was something of a relief. Jane had never imagined the Midwest was so expansive. She had seen it before on maps, but she had never really given it the consideration she now found that it deserved. In two long days of nearly unchanging scenery, they hadn’t even crossed it halfway.

Audrey tapped her on the shoulder. Jack lay contentedly on her lap, his ears laying limp on her thighs.

“We can probably pull off now,” Audrey suggested. “It’ll get more expensive when we’re close to Kansas City.”

A few minutes later they pulled into the parking lot of a cheap-looking motel just off the highway. A neon sign out front read: VAC NCY.

The owner was friendly, giving them a couple recommendations for local spots. They ended up deciding on a local deli. Audrey was willing to talk a little bit again, although the conversation was still a little dry. Jane brought up that night on the beach and they laughed about it.

Of course Audrey had never ended up being taken to the police station. It had been a very tense couple of weeks in the household but, like many things, the tension fizzled out without any sort of definitive conclusion, and Jane had never heard anything about Audrey and pot again.

---------------------------

The following day, it was Audrey’s turn to drive, so at the very least Jane could read and play with Jack to distract her from the monotony of the drive. The Hobbit had become more interesting than she had initially given it credit for, and she found herself quickly lost in the book.

Lunch ended up being some snacks they picked up at a trucker rest stop along the way, and Jane was able to grab some more hay for Jack from a farming supplies store down the road from it.

Kansas wasn’t too different from Missouri, although Jane found she preferred it. The trees here were fewer and farther between, revealing the horizon beyond distant stretches of prairie. Everything felt so open and vast. The clouds above them felt huge and physical, like enormous beings looming in the sky, and not just a pretty painted-on backdrop.

Jack was handling the whole trip so well. Jane had been terrified that he would make a huge fuss, or otherwise cause problems, but the cute little guy had mostly just been laying about, soaking in the sun.

“Is it cool if I turn off here for a minute?” Audrey asked. The road ahead reflected off her dark sunglasses. Jane shrugged. Audrey pulled off the highway onto a dusty side road, parking beside a field of cows.

Audrey pulled off her sunglasses and rubbed her eyes, pausing the sweet serenade of Earth, Wind & Fire. Jane made an exaggerated pout, but her sister didn’t see. Audrey shifted in her seat and climbed out of the car. Jane followed after her.

A cool wind blew across the prairie, which helped Jane bear the beating sun. Audrey sat up on the hood of the car, eyeing the grazing cows and trying to light a cigarette in the wind. They were pretty close, lowing gently in the distance. Jane sat beside her sister, trying to let the rustle of the breeze and the moos of the cows drown out the distant hum of traffic. Her dress was a blinding white in the midday sun.

The two were startled by a sudden moo from their left. Across the fence stood a large cow with chestnut fur. On its ears hung a pair of yellow tags reading 257. It snorted loudly and continued chewing. Audrey sighed and gave up on trying to light her smoke.

Audrey slid forward and hopped off the hood of the car, gingerly circling around back. Jane turned in place, hopping off once her calf hit the searing black metal of the car.

Audrey stood in front of the open trunk and pulled a clump of hay out of Jack’s feed bag.

“Hey!” Jane protested, mostly mad about her not asking.

“Exactly,” Audrey grinned at her, flashing mischievous eyes from behind her glasses. She resealed the bag and looked back up at Jane. “‘Cause hay—”

“I got it.”

“Yeah.”

Audrey closed the trunk and tore off some of the feed to give to Jane. “C’mon, I’ll pay you back for it.” Jane begrudgingly took the hay and followed her sister awkwardly to the fence.

The animal lowed curiously before lumbering over to the wire, watching the two of them with deep brown eyes. It hesitated before taking another step and beginning to eat the hay out of Audrey’s hand. With her other hand, cautiously, Audrey reached to pet it, but the creature nervously backed away.

It took some convincing and waving of hay before it returned, this time approaching Jane’s hand.

Jane was nervous, her heart beating faster than she’d care to admit. She had forgotten how big cows were, and some part of her feared losing a finger or two if things somehow went bad. Still, she calmed herself as the cow raised its head to eat from her hand.

Jane yelped in surprise. Its tongue was rough against her fingers as it ate. Despite her fear, or maybe because of it, she smiled. The huge creature was adorable lapping at her hand.

The cow let out a satisfied moo, surprisingly loud in Jane’s ears. Audrey smiled wide.

Before Jane knew it, her and Audrey’s hands were empty except for the foul stench of cow saliva. The cow stuck around for a minute or two after, finally allowing its head to be pet. Its fur was soft and it did give Jane a chance to get some of the cow spit off her hands, although she didn’t feel too good about using the poor guy as a huge living towel.

Then once it realized there was no more hay to be had, the cow turned and shuffled away.

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They ended up staying the night at an inn not too far away, some run down franchise with a peeling sign.

As they drove away the morning after, Jane couldn’t help but wonder how much money they were burning through between gas, food, and lodging. Still, Audrey was in charge of finances and she didn’t seem to be too worried, although she at least seemed careful not to hemorrhage money either.

Jane rolled her shoulders and locked her eyes on the road ahead. She was dead set on seeing a mountain soon.

The sun was harsh above them, shining through fluffy cotton clouds. Heat radiated off the asphalt in waves. It was almost sweltering inside the car too, although it was helped by the vent window on Jane’s side.

Driving gave Jane a lot of time to think, and the thing that kept coming up was Audrey. It felt like there had been this island of contact back in Kentucky where everything flowed so naturally. That day and the day after, everything had come so easy. Then all of a sudden, Audrey seemed to pull away again.

Jane supposed they tended to come in waves, those rare glimpses of real connection with her sister that would vanish as quickly as they appeared, just long enough for Jane to imagine that the space between was gone for good, that they were close again, best friends forever like they had once sworn. Long enough that every time Jane realized the window had closed again she had to relive it for the first time, like it was once again sophomore year, when Jane would sob big ugly tears into Louise’s shoulder after school.

Still, it was nice to dream.

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Jane had never appreciated a shower so much in her life. It felt as though her body, mind, and soul had all been cleansed in the motel’s cheap lavender soap. Now, as she sat on the hotel bed, feeling the cool air pressed against her skin, Jane felt incredible.

She was startled from nirvana by a sudden weight on the mattress. Jane opened her eyes to see the figure of Audrey sitting on the bed above her, Jack cradled belly-up like a baby in her arms. Audrey grinned and unceremoniously shoveled him over at Jane.

Jack landed softly in Jane’s arms, furiously wriggling around to get back to his feet. Jane helped right him and gently scratched his head. Jack purred. Jane turned to look up at Audrey. Her sister seemed so tall above her. The thought made her feel almost dizzy. Jane tilted her head forward, trying to hide a blush.

Audrey looked down at her, a sly, almost knowing smile on her face, and Jane felt a leap in her chest when her sister asked:

“Wanna go stargazing?”

And somewhere in the distance, Jane swore she could hear the breaking of waves against the shore.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: Over My Head
1401 / 2992 mi
Oakley, KS
August 18, 1977

“Wanna go stargazing?”

The blood burned in Jane’s ears as she looked up at her sister. Audrey stared back, a gentle smile creeping across her face. Jane’s eyes searched her sister’s face, skeptical of her sudden approach after states’ worth of silence.

Hesitantly, Jane gave up a nod, her shoulders climbing into a shrug. Audrey beamed down at her.

“Perfect,” Audrey said, standing from the bed to grab her shoes. Jack hopped off Jane’s lap, landing on the covers beside her.

Audrey sat down on the other bed, sneakers in hand. She leaned down to lace them, lips tight in concentration as her fingers worked. “It’s so clear outside,” she said, pulling her left shoelace snug. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many stars in my life.”

Jane changed out of her nightgown in the bathroom while Audrey finished getting ready. She figured it would be a cold night, so she decided to layer up. Done changing, Jane checked herself in the mirror. She wore an olive knit vest she had gotten for Christmas and a white floral blouse beneath it. It was a good look, she thought, and she hoped it would be warm enough for Kansas at night.

Jane fluffed her hair with her hands. It was still a little wet on her shoulders. With a smile, she recalled the last time she’d worn her hair down, when Audrey had called her pretty.

Jane stepped out of the bathroom and folded her nightgown back into her suitcase. Audrey lay reclined on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. The faded white lettering of a band t-shirt peeked out from beneath her red jacket. Audrey sat up on the bed and looked over at Jane.

“Good to go?”

With a nod, Jane followed her sister out the door. It was warmer outside than Jane had expected, though the breeze was still chilly against her neck. A passing truck’s headlights grazed them as the girls walked over to the Impala, making Jane squint her eyes at the sudden brightness. The hum of the car's engine faded into the distance, giving way to the rustling of trees.

Jane climbed down into the passenger seat and shut the door. Keys jingling, Audrey started up the car. She pulled out onto the road, engine rumbling loudly.

It was just a few turns before they had escaped town into the wide expanse of the plains, silent headlights searching through the fields ahead of them.

After a few minutes of wordless driving they turned onto a dusty road, the car’s suspension creaking beneath them. Almost immediately, Audrey pulled onto the side of the road, shutting off the engine and stepping out of the car. Jane followed, her eyes taking a moment to adjust to the darkness as she got out.

The girls stood at the end of a long gravel driveway, nearly invisible beneath a blanket of twisting weeds. At the other end stood a decrepit farmhouse, rotting wood peeling around long shot-out windows. The moonlight shone down on a lone folding chair stationed by the front door, as if in parody of the porch it must have once been. The air carried a hint of mustiness as Jane followed her sister along the gravel path, darkening the dusty fragrance of wildflowers.

Jane peered anxiously into the doorway of the house as they passed. Inside, starlight sifted through holes in the roof, illuminating a barren interior. The frame of the house was showing, casting shadows of a ribcage across the rotting floorboards. Despite its stillness, Jane felt unsettled, and she jogged to catch up to Audrey, absentmindedly grabbing her sister’s bicep for comfort.

If Audrey minded she didn’t show it, still silent as she led Jane around the building.

Before them lay what might have once been a backyard, but was now closer to a jungle, tall grass arcing every which way. A few shy dandelions dotted the ground. Beyond the ruins of a wood fence lay an empty expanse of sun-cracked mud where a field must once have been. Taking Jane by the hand, Audrey led Jane to a clear spot on the ground. Audrey sat on the dirt and Jane followed her down, ending up shoulder to shoulder with her sister on the grass.

Jane ducked out of the way as Audrey took off her jacket, laying it like a blanket on the dirt behind them. Her sister adjusted herself and laid down, hair spreading out on the fabric. Jane paused above her.

The stars glinted off of Audrey’s eyes. The moonlight was soft against her skin, its shadow caressing her cheek. Jane’s breath caught in her throat, lips parted, her heart racing in her chest.

Audrey gave a bemused smirk up at her, stirring Jane from her catatonia as her sister reached up, tugging Jane’s shoulder down beside her. Jane felt a rush of embarrassment as she gave to her sister’s touch, tumbling down to the ground beside her.

The tops of their heads were nearly touching as they laid on Audrey’s jacket. Jane looked at her sister with mock offense. Audrey turned to her, grinning. Jane’s heart skipped a beat, and her facade of indignation melted.

Their noses were inches from each other. Jane could almost taste her sister’s breath on her lips. She was struck with the image of Audrey leaning forward, an alien memory from a field not too different than this.

Some part of her brain that could still think processed the situation, and Jane forced herself to tilt her head back towards the stars with as much indifference as she could muster. She knew that she shouldn’t be having feelings like this, not towards a girl, not towards her sister. But those thoughts shut up once she took in the sight above.

Jane had never seen so many stars in her life. Scattered across the heavens lay a field of twinkling points, almost dizzying, like if she stared too long she’d fall into them, plummeting upwards into the sea of stars. The Milky Way was a painted streak arcing across the sky, a cloud of stardust that seemed so close and yet so far away. Jane stared at the sky, taking it all in. And still, despite all the beauty above her, she wished she was still on her side, face to face with the girl next to her.

“Gemini,” Audrey noted, pointing up at the sky.

“Where?” Jane asked. She knew a couple constellations but she had no experience finding them in a sky as dense as this.

“Here,” Audrey waved her hand in a come here motion and Jane leaned over, hovering over her sister’s shoulder. Through a fuzzy head, Jane tracked her sister’s finger, searching for some identifiable shape. “It’s like a little arch.” Audrey traced an upside-down U in the air.

“I don’t see anything.”

“It’s right there!” Audrey traced the U shape again.

“I think you’re seeing things.”

“I’m not crazy!” Audrey protested, shoving Jane away with a grin. “It’s incredibly clear.”

“No it isn’t!” Jane grinned.

“Whatever,” Audrey muttered.

Jane lay her head back on the jacket, looking up at the stars again as the grin on her face slowly faded.

“Audge,” Jane pointed up at a different spot. Audrey eyed her suspiciously before leaning in. Jane’s finger indicated a spot just to the right of the Milky Way. Audrey searched the stars where Jane pointed. “Here.”

And with her outstretched hand she quickly traced a phallic outline in the sky. Audrey groaned and shoved herself away from her sister.

“Oh my god are you nine years old?” Audrey grumbled as Jane giggled at her own stupid joke. “Immature.”

“It’s a little funny,” Jane said, still grinning evilly.

“You know, I actually believed you,” Audrey complained as Jane sighed, giving a small smirk as she finished her sentence, which Jane took as a sign of victory. Jane looked back at the night.

“Betcha didn’t miss this,” Jane said, flashing Audrey a grin.

“Yeah,” Audrey said, distant. Jane rolled to look at her. Her sister stared straight up at the stars, her lips almost imperceptibly parted. The moon caught her face in a pale glow.

Jane was struck with a sudden wave of anxiety, and she rolled to stare at the back door of the house. The interior of the house faded to pitch black just a few feet from the doorway, a foreboding void. As her eyes adjusted, Jane relaxed. The house was, of course, empty.

“Jane.” Jane was startled by Audrey’s fingers resting on her bicep, pulling her attention from the farmhouse. Audrey seemed troubled, her lips pursed in a pensive frown. “I, um–”

Audrey’s voice was weak as she spoke, her voice creaking to a halt as she swallowed. Jane sat up to face her sister, and Audrey mirrored her, crossing their legs, knees colliding as they adjusted themselves.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Audrey spoke slowly, like each word put up its own fight. Her eyes were low, avoiding Jane’s except for a couple hasty glances. “Just— that I’m sorry.”

Jane’s brows lowered in confusion and she leaned forward, hands absentmindedly placing themselves on Audrey’s forearms. “Why are you sorry?” Jane asked, almost amused at Audrey’s sudden awkwardness.

Audrey paused before she spoke, scratching her nose anxiously. “I just know it was hard for you when we sorta–” She mimed a jerky splitting motion with her hands. She took a shuddering breath and spoke again, slower this time. “And I just– I wish that I did things different.” Her eyes were glassy, speckled with the stars above. “And I’m sorry.” Audrey took her hands.

Jane’s mind spun. This barely felt real.

“And you didn’t deserve that, Jane,” Audrey spoke, intense, staring deep into Jane’s eyes. Jane’s lips were still parted in surprise. The night air was cool against her face.

Audrey looked expectantly at her sister, closely watching her face for any reaction. Jane opened her mouth but found herself lost for words. Lost in thought, Jane tugged on Audrey’s arms, pulling her into a hug.

Audrey’s cheek was wet against Jane's shoulder, an island of cold against the warmth of her sister's body. Jane was still frozen, trying to keep up. It all came out of nowhere.

She had known? She had known how hard it was? How much Jane had gone through once she’d pulled away? Jane always knew Audrey must have had some idea that something was going on, but she'd never guessed that her sister had seen things so clearly.

So had she done it on purpose? The pulling away? If she knew exactly how much it was hurting Jane, why didn't she stop? It was all so dizzying.

The only thing that seemed to stop her from falling up into the sky was the grounding touch of Audrey’s arms around her. But even those anchors suddenly seemed shaky.

“It’s okay,” Jane assured, although she wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth. She pulled Audrey tight against her. “Thank you.” Audrey seemed a little less tense, and she melted into Jane at the words.

Audrey’s face pressed into Jane’s shoulder as she spoke, her words muffled against the fabric. “I’ve been meaning to say it the whole trip, I just…” her voice trailed off. Jane absentmindedly rubbed her hand against the back of Audrey’s shirt. “I just chickened out.”

“It’s okay,” Jane whispered.

It was a while before either of them spoke, neither daring to break the fine thread that held them together. The wind howled through the shaky boards of the house, parting the overgrown grass around them, whistling through the gap between their bodies.

The moment was broken only when the itch on Jane’s nose finally became too much for her to bear and she leaned back to finally rid herself of it. Audrey’s eyes were pink, but she seemed composed.

“Thanks,” Audrey whispered hoarsely, fingers still lingering hot against Jane’s sleeve. She wiped her nose with her other fist, fingers loose in the night air. Shifting, Audrey drew back from her sister and awkwardly tucked her hair over her ear.

“So, uh,” Jane spoke tentatively, hyperaware of the tension between them. “Could you show me Gemini again?” Audrey, who seemed eager to move on, gave a nod in return.

Jane laid back down on the ground, feeling Audrey’s jacket fold beneath the weight of her elbows. Her sister watched as she settled on the ground before following after her too.

With all the thoughts buzzing in her head, it was a while before Jane was finally able to make out the shape of Gemini in the sky. Audrey apologizing had made things weird. It felt like a sort of reset on their relationship. Maybe that would end up being a good thing, but right now, it gave Jane no ground to stand on when it came to the two of them.

At least Audrey seemed to want to put it behind them. She was putting up a very good facade of indifference, but Jane knew her sister well enough to know otherwise.

The sky was beautiful though, so it was easy for Jane to lean into the act and watch the stars while pretending like everything was normal. And the longer they talked, the more Jane began to feel it was just that — normal. Their old rapport, though fragile, had returned, and Jane felt the tension fade from her shoulders every time Audrey ribbed her.

It felt like unclogging a gutter. Their parents made them do that once at their grandparents’ house, and Jane could still feel the sandy dirt crunching under her fingers, soggy leaves wrapped tight around her knuckles, legs trembling from the height of the ladder. Despite the awful feeling of grime on her hands, she remembered when it rained that same week and the girls stood on the driveway, watching the rushing drainpipe, a flame of satisfaction in their chests. Maybe Audrey’s apology was like that — a bit of discomfort at first, but then—

“Holy shit,” Audrey whispered, hand raised to point up at the sky. There, tearing a line across the Milky Way, was the undeniable form of a shooting star.

Jane’s eyes widened at the sight. The wind had died down, as though the whole world had gone silent for the meteor’s entrance. “Make a wish.”

Audrey closed her eyes and laced her fingers loosely on her chest, mouth slightly open to let the unspoken words slip through. She exhaled deeply, letting her eyes flicker open again, and she rolled to look at Jane.

“Okay, what’d you wish for?” Audrey asked casually. Jane gave her a bemused look.

“If you say what it is, it doesn’t come true,” Jane explained. “Also I haven’t even thought of one yet.” Audrey shrugged.

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“That’s not how it works!” Jane exclaimed, an exasperated grin clawing its way onto her face.

“Just make a wish,” Audrey said. And for just a moment, Audrey’s gaze flickered down to her sister’s lips, and Jane was once again aware of their proximity, the fragile few inches between their faces, the blush on her sister’s lips, the dark pool of shadow that gathered in her dimple. And in that split second where Jane felt her heart skid to a stop, her lips parted and some primordial desire escaped into the night, taking her one wish with it.

Jane’s chest felt hot, pulse pounding in her throat. She shouldn’t have wanted it as much as she did, but every time the shame burning inside begged her to ask for something, anything else, she felt herself cling tighter and tighter to that crazy wish. And as much as Jane knew that she shouldn’t think of her sister in that way, at that moment she could think of nothing in the world she wanted more.

“Did you make one?” Audrey’s voice cut through Jane’s reverie, bringing her back down to Earth. Jane nodded slowly, adrenaline rushing through her veins. She could barely hear anything over the sound of her heartbeat.

“So what’d you wish for?”

Jane groaned and turned away from Audrey. “I’m not telling you!” she called over her shoulder.

“Whatever.”

Jane watched the grass beside her as she calmed down. A pillbug crawled across the dry dirt beside her, making slow progress across the ground. Jane smiled down at it, feeling the cool breeze on her face.

Jane shivered and rolled back to face her sister.

“Are you cold?” Audrey asked, eyes scanning the stars above.

“A little.”

“We can go soon,” Audrey suggested. “I was getting tired anyway.” She turned her head to look at Jane.

“Sure,” Jane said. She was starting to feel tired herself.

Clouds had begun to move in, thick puddles of milky gray in the corners of the sky. Above them, the shooting star had disappeared, woven back into the tapestry of stars. Jane found her eyes tracing the shape of Gemini over and over, thinking of the girl next to her. What a strange night it had been.

Before long the clouds blocked out most of the sky, and Audrey pushed herself to her feet, fixing her shirt. Jane rose after her, crouching to pick up their makeshift blanket. Audrey took her jacket from Jane. As Audrey reached her arms above her head to put it on, Jane’s eyes were drawn like magnets to the lean slice of midriff that was revealed before she forced herself to turn away towards the house.

The old house seemed much more ominous now that the sky had darkened, and she found herself inching away from it. Audrey’s jacket was on, and she fumbled through her pockets until she produced her zippo. She flicked the lighter on and held it low in one hand, illuminating the uneven terrain. With her other hand, she took Jane by the wrist and led her through the dark back towards the car.

“There’s a little drop there,” Audrey pointed out, holding her lighter low to show Jane a dip in the dirt.

With the firelight as their guide, the sisters made their way back to the front of the house, hands held tight as Audrey led Jane down the crumbling path.

A passing pickup truck nearly blinded them as they walked down the driveway to the parked Impala. Though the gravel they walked was much more even than the path, Audrey’s hand still clung to her sister’s. Jane’s head buzzed with elation, heart soaring in her chest.

The driveway ended, and Audrey looped around the car, letting her hand fall from Jane’s.

The heat of the car welcomed Jane in, at last guarding her from the wind. She let out a shiver as her body began to heat up. Beside her, Audrey rubbed her hands together for warmth before turning on the ignition. The car rumbled to life beneath them.

The highway was much darker now, and the land looked unfamiliar returning. Their map was too large-scale for small roads like these, so it seemed entirely up to Audrey’s memory and a few target-practice road signs to guide them back to the motel. Jane would usually be nervous about something like that, but the look of assurance on Audrey’s face as they drove was enough to quell her worries.

“So,” Audrey spoke, then stopped, as though unsure of what to say. The car’s headlights reflected off the road, casting an incandescent glow on the top of her face. “What’s been going on for you?” She flashed Jane a quick glance before returning her eyes to the road. “In your life?” Jane picked up on an unspoken since.

“Oh man,” Jane thought aloud, a dozen ideas fluttering about her head. Three years was a lot to summarize. “I’m going to UCSC for biology…” Jane paused to think.

“Well I know that,” Audrey said, a friendly grin on her face. “I mean stuff that wouldn’t come up at dinner.”

Jane chewed on her lip as she searched through her memory. “I don’t know.”

“What d'you mean?”

Jane shrugged sheepishly. “I snuck out of the house once,” she suggested. “Louise’s friend Deb got invited to a sleepover by this guy Peter, who Deb had a huuuge crush on.” Audrey’s eyes were narrowed slightly, almost skeptical as she watched Jane from the corner of her eyes. “And yeah,” Jane mumbled, getting the sense she’d somehow disappointed her sister.

“Did anything happen at the sleepover?” Audrey asked.

“Not really,” Jane said. “They sat together when we watched Planet of the Apes.”

“Fun,” Audrey said distantly. The headlights ahead of them illuminated a green sign reading Oakley 5 mi, with an arrow pointing forward. They were on their way back. “It’s good you’re not doing anything too crazy.” Jane’s ears burned.

“Thanks,” Jane snapped.

“No it is good,” Audrey pressed, rolling her fingers against the wheel. “All the high school parties I went to sucked anyway.” Jane felt her gut twist.

“I guess,” Jane muttered, looking back out the window. There was an oppressive sense of solitude that came with being out here at night. Other than the distant faint light of town, they were truly alone, the headlights carving a small island of visibility from the deep darkness around them. In the distance, a traffic light oscillated from green to red.

“Jane,” Audrey spoke softly, her fingers tugging at the sleeve of Jane’s shirt. “What’s going on?”

Jane shrugged and turned back to her sister. “I dunno,” she said. “It’s just weird knowing that I missed that stuff.”

“Like parties?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jane said, tapping her fingers together anxiously. “I just always thought I’d go to one eventually — and I didn’t even really want to, I just thought it was something everyone did.” She took a breath and looked away from her sister, out at the road in front of them. “And I never got invited to anything.”

“Yeah,” Audrey spoke breathily. “I get that.” The car rolled on as she thought, only the low rumble of its wheels audible in the silent vehicle. “For what it’s worth, I never went to any crazy house parties either. Mostly just little get-togethers with friends.”

“But I didn’t even get to do that,” Jane complained, before straightening her posture and taking a breath. “Sorry, I know I’m whining right now.”

“I don’t think you’re whining,” Audrey assured her. “I get it. I’m glad you’re talking about it.”

“Thanks,” Jane said.

They rolled up to an intersection at last, a welcome break from the miles of straightaway they came from. The crossing highway was vacant, and they drove forward into town.

“I’m worried going into college,” Jane said timidly, breaking the silence. She tapped her fingers again, faster. “I feel like I’m gonna be so behind. I mean, I’ve never drank, never smoked, never kissed anyone.” She counted on her fingers as she spoke. “And I know that sounds shallow, it’s not about any of those things specifically. I just wish I’d done more — really, anything in high school.” She exhaled through her nose. “I was just so scared all the time.”

“Yeah,” Audrey exhaled forcefully. “Yeah. I’m sorry.” She pulled the car into a faintly marked parking spot in front of the motel, turning off the ignition. “Listen.” Audrey adjusted her jacket, turning in her seat to face Jane. “You’re not in college yet, okay?” Jane gave her a shy nod. “We’ve got, what, another week before you’re at school? We’ll do something, okay? Cross some stuff off your list, if you want.” As Jane slowly nodded, Audrey’s cheeks flushed as she broke into a nervous chuckle, her hand loosely pressed over her lips in embarrassment.

“Sorry,” she said. “Obviously not the kiss, duh.” Audrey waved her hand awkwardly. “But the other stuff, if you want to.”

Jane felt like her whole body was turned into jelly. Her cheeks flamed a bright red. “No of course–” Jane stumbled through her words, sprinkling in a tastefully bewildered chuckle. “Of course not.” She shook her head in a show of affected disgust. Shit. Jane really wasn’t good at keeping cool. It felt like time was dragging, the hammering of her heart drowning out the sound of the world around her. “But the other stuff,” she managed. Audrey gave a nod of acknowledgment.

If Audrey noticed Jane’s state of complete internal panic she didn’t say anything, instead reaching her hand over to tousle her sister’s hair. Jane flinched as strands of her hair scratched against her face, a contented smile on her lips.

“I love you, Jane,” Audrey said softly, gently combing Jane’s hair back into place. Her sister’s fingers tickled as they trailed across her head. Audrey’s eyes avoided Jane’s, boring holes into the windshield. It felt like years since she’d said those words so earnestly, so deeply felt. Maybe it was years.

“I love you too.”

Audrey’s lips blossomed into a thrilled smile as her sister spoke, her gaze darting to meet Jane’s. It had been so long since Jane had seen that much emotion on her sister’s face, and she couldn’t help breaking into a grin of her own.

Jane yelped as Audrey pulled her head towards the driver seat, planting a firm kiss on her temple. Pulling away, Jane felt almost woozy, her forehead still cool where Audrey’s lips had touched. She struggled to put on an image of calmness over the violent thunder of her heartbeat.

Audrey turned away quickly, her face hidden as she turned to the driver side door.

“Come on, let’s get inside.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: How Deep It Goes
1401 / 2992 mi
Oakley, KS
August 19, 1977

Jane sat up in the dark hotel room, knuckles pinched on the bridge of her nose.

The cool glow of streetlights seeped through the blinds, painting jagged lines across the room. Audrey was asleep, turned on her side away from Jane. As Jane looked at her, she was again struck with the sudden image of Audrey pressed against her.

She had really believed she escaped that dream. Across the past few days, she had finally been able to dream about other things. Jane remembered waking up the morning after they fed the cow, never having been so relieved to dream about showing up to school naked. But the dream with Audrey was back again, and it had gone further than before. Jane winced at the memory of a sleeve sliding from a freckled shoulder. She had promised herself she’d stop thinking about her sister like that.

Jane watched the shape of her reflection in the mirror across the room. She had so many worries about this trip, but never in a million years would she have guessed things would be where they were now.

At least sleep had helped Jane feel a little better about what Audrey had said that night while stargazing. There were still lots of questions buzzing around regarding the why and what of it all, but now Jane could at least focus more clearly on the present.

And the present seemed good. The wall between the sisters had been broken through, and all that seemed to be left was clearing what rubble remained.

Jane lay back on the bed, drawing up the covers and rolling onto her side. It was much too early to be thinking about things. Reclined on the bed, she felt sleep begin to creep in. Her eyes, half-lidded, clung to the silhouette of Audrey’s sleeping form. This drowsy, there was almost nothing Jane could do to fight off her more-than-sisterly thoughts, so she reluctantly let them in as they carried her sleeping brain back to the meadow.

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In the morning, Audrey put up a very good front of indifference, but it was clear that she was nervous about the night before. It was still too raw for Jane to bring up explicitly, but she did her best to reassure her sister in whatever ways she could, and before long Audrey’s facade of carelessness seemed to blend into real comfort, the tension fading from her posture every time Jane teased her.

The sun was hot as they walked back outside, and Jane squinted at the harsh glare. The distant clamor of a construction site carried across the town. In the excursion from the night before, the bottom half of the car had been densely speckled with dust from the road, giving the handle of the trunk a gritty feel as she opened it to stow her suitcase.

Audrey sat, one hand ready on the wheel, the other petting Jack as Jane climbed into the passenger seat. Jane reached over to scratch the little guy behind the ears as her sister drove away.

Audrey’s rock mixtapes serenaded Jane as she read, pressing her way towards the back of the book. Jane wondered how Louise was doing. She was probably already on her way out to college. Jane felt a pang in her chest at the thought. It would have been nice to have someone other than Audrey to talk to about everything that had happened, although, grimly, Jane realized she probably wouldn’t be able to share everything anyway.

Jane rubbed her eyes frustratedly. She had promised herself she would stop thinking about it. Still, it was getting harder and harder to ignore. Since they left the hotel she had been forcing herself not to look left for fear of having to confront her feelings again.

Jane took a breath.

There was silence between the two of them like the other days, but it felt different this time, more comfortable than before. The wind rushing through the quarter glass was pleasantly warm, and Jane felt relaxed as she leaned back against the car seat, shutting her eyes.

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Jane was half-asleep when she awoke to the sound of her sister’s voice.

“Janey,” Audrey’s voice was soft and warm across the car.

“Janey?” Jane opened her eyes, looking over at her sister with a surprised grin. “I haven’t been Janey in years.”

Audrey shrugged. “Can I ask something?”

Jane’s face flushed. “Sure.”

“Okay,” Audrey said, rolling her fingers across the wheel. “I wanted to ask if I could take a portrait of you.”

“Yeah,” Jane smiled, her heart racing in her chest. “Okay.”

“It would be really quick,” Audrey continued. “Just on the side of the road would work.”

“You don’t have to convince me,” Jane teased, her eyes meeting her sister’s as Audrey turned to look at her. “I already said yes.”

Audrey smiled, and the sight gave Jane butterflies.

A minute later, they pulled off the interstate onto a smaller, older highway. The asphalt here was cracked under the dry heat of the sun, dust filling the lines crossing the empty road. Alongside the highway, a column of telephone poles reached towards the sky, extending out of sight in either direction. An ancient wooden fence by the road bordered an empty field, freshly tilled for autumn.

Audrey slowed and pulled off the road, suspension creaking as the car slowed to a stop on the grass.

“Okay,” Audrey said, unbuckling her seatbelt. Her shoulder brushed against Jane’s as she turned to dig through the backseat for her camera bag, and Jane felt her stomach flip at the girl’s touch.

Audrey pushed herself back into the driver’s seat, camera bag in hand. She pulled out the camera and checked the viewfinder. It was a small thing, sleek and elegant, with rounded sides and a shiny lens. Audrey fiddled with one of the many knobs and took it down from her eye.

“Okay,” Audrey said, placing her camera back in its case. She drew her sketchbook out of her bag. “So here’s what I was thinking.” She flipped open her sketchbook from the back, and made her way through the pages until she finally came upon a sketch done in pencil. Jane looked closer.

There in graphite lay a messy sketch of a girl in a dress leaning against the hood of a car. She looked like Jane.

“Is that supposed to be me?” Jane asked, chest hot.

“Yeah,” Audrey said hesitantly, shrugging as she spoke. “Or any model.” Jane’s heart thundered in her chest. “But I was thinking of you when I drew it, yeah.”

Jane felt faint, pulse pounding loud in her ears. Every part of her felt hot and cold at the same time. It took all her strength to put up an image of composure.

“Do I need to wear a dress?” Jane asked, barely able to hear over the pressure in her head.

“Yeah, if you have it.”

Jane forced herself to give a nod, and she got out of the car to grab her suitcase from the trunk, almost falling from the weakness in her legs.

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Jane changed into her dress in the backseat while Audrey adjusted her camera’s settings outside. She had just barely managed to calm herself down, and now, away from her sister’s eyes, she finally felt free to wear the grin she had been holding back. Audrey wanted to take a portrait of her.

She was so giddy she only realized stepping out of the vehicle that she had mismatched her buttons, turning back towards the car to redo them.

“Ready?” Audrey asked. Her camera hung from around her neck. “Okay…” her voice trailed off as she looked at her sister through the viewfinder. Jane tried to suppress a blush. She wasn’t used to this much attention.

Audrey pulled the camera down from her face and glanced along the road. There were no cars to be seen.

“Hmmm,” Audrey said. Jane eyed her curiously. “Do you think you could grab Jack for the shot too?” Jane nodded and walked to the backseat.

Jack nipped excitedly at Jane’s fingers as she pulled him from his cage. She scratched him behind the ears. The rabbit squirmed a little bit as the wind combed through his fur, but he relaxed quickly in Jane’s folded arms as she walked back to the hood.

“That’s perfect there — how you’re holding him,” Audrey said, brow furrowed, appraising the scene. Jane watched how her sister bit her lip as she thought. “Can you try leaning against the car a little?”

Jane felt nervous as she sat on the hood of the car. Audrey’s gaze was locked on her, barely blinking. Jane could feel her sister’s eyes scraping across her appearance, assessing every detail. It was so intense, so intimate. Jane thought of her hair, her makeup, the way she wore her dress. She hoped she looked good.

Audrey rested her camera against her stomach. “Here,” she said, reaching out towards Jane. With two hands she took Jane by the shoulders and gently but forcefully guided her posture up until she stood with one hip on the edge of the hood. Jane felt her heart pounding. Audrey’s hands were so strong on her body. It was like the world around her disappeared, leaving only the sensation of Audrey’s touch against her.

Audrey gingerly removed her hands, checked the road and backed away from her sister. Stopping in the center of the far lane, she grabbed her camera from her chest and framed the scene through the viewfinder. A gust of wind blew through the prairie, tossing Jane’s hair. Uselessly, she tried to shake her head to clear it from her face.

“What about the wind?” Jane yelled across the road, gathering her brow in a show of concern. “For my hair?” Audrey waved her hand as she lowered the camera.

“Leave it!” she yelled back. “I like it for the shot.” She turned a knob on the top of the camera. “Okay!” Audrey held the camera back up to her face, creasing one eye shut.

Click.

The sound of the camera was faint but undeniable. Jane felt her heart race again. She hadn’t expected Audrey to take the photo so suddenly.

Audrey gave a sly smile at Jane’s surprise. “I wanted one that’s more candid,” she said, fiddling with her camera again. “Stay there.” She adjusted the lens and took a few steps closer. “Okay, now smile.”

The muscles in Jane’s face felt as though they were creaking as she tried to contort her face into a grin. Audrey squinted and turned the camera to the side. Jack made it a little easier to relax. He was so limp in her arms, but still clearly awake, purring as Jane scratched his belly.

Click.

Jane had been hoping Audrey would take the photo then, when her smile felt a little more natural. Audrey stood straight again and crossed the distance to her sister, her camera bouncing against her stomach. Far down the road, a camper van kicked up a wake of dust.

Audrey’s face bore a mysterious smile. Jane cocked her head at her.

“What’s up?” Jane asked cautiously, and Audrey’s smile widened, breaking to a grin.

“Nothing,” Audrey said, eyes locked with Jane’s. “You’re just cute.” She reached up and tousled Jane’s hair.

Jane might have melted into a puddle and evaporated in the summer heat, but by the grace of god she managed to keep herself propped up against the hood of the car. Thankfully Audrey was already on her way back to the driver’s seat when the wave of red overtook Jane’s face. Jane’s chest was a cacophony as she leaned back onto the hood of the car, waiting for the strength to come back to her legs.

She would have taken longer to recuperate if not for the anxiety prodding at her mind. Audrey must have been rounding the corner of the car; she couldn’t see Jane like this.

On wooden legs, Jane pushed herself upright and she was startled by the sudden whirlwind of movement before her. Jack. She had forgotten about him in her euphoria, and he was on the verge of falling from her suddenly weak arms.

With all of her strength, Jane clutched her rabbit and carried him to the backseat. Audrey packed away her camera up front. Jack settled nicely into his cage and Jane pushed the door shut, finally resting against the body of the car, out of Audrey’s sight.

You’re just cute.

Or maybe not so out of sight, because the moment Jane felt the hot metal against her backside, she heard Audrey’s voice calling from inside the car.

“You alright?” Her voice came through the open passenger window. Jane nearly flinched.

“Yeah,” Jane replied. “I, um — I’m just feeling carsick.” Jane gulped. “From earlier.”

She saw Audrey nod in the side mirror.

Jane took a few seconds to gather herself. She would not let these thoughts win. That was her sister in the car. Jane took a long breath and watched the cars roll by on the interstate.

Steeling herself with one last breath, Jane climbed back into the passenger seat and they drove off once again.

---------------------------

They stayed the night at a cheap motel on the outskirts of Denver, and chatted until late into night over a pair of greasy sandwiches Audrey had found at a deli nearby, sharing everything that happened in their time apart.

And with every story Audrey shared, Jane felt herself become anchored more and more strongly to the ground beneath her. This was really it; she was being let in again. So much had happened, so much had changed, yet here she was again, up past her bedtime, chatting late into the night, but with no mom to tell her to go to bed.

And although there was no one to make them, before long they grew tired and decided to go to sleep.

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The sun beat down hard on the road ahead, raising mirages over the asphalt. They had opened the quarter glass on both sides, and when that proved to be inadequate they had rolled their windows down a crack, as much as highway speeds would permit. Sweat-dampened fabric pressed against Jane’s back, pushing her to the verge of crashing the car out of distraction.

The only breath of relief was that they had at last left the plains, rolling over a hill to see the city of Denver sprawled out before them. After so many days trapped between fields of wheat, the city felt huge, almost alien. Making a quick assessment of their trip wallet, they decided to at last treat themselves to a decent lunch, stopping off at an air-conditioned diner in the city.

It was far from fancy, but after a couple hundred miles of farmland, the place felt like paradise. Jane got a reuben sandwich, and as she tucked away the last of the fries, she felt as though tears were ready to spring from her eyes.

Before they had left home, their parents had made them promise to call them if they could, so when Audrey spotted a long-distance phone booth she insisted they stop off before leaving. Jane was grateful that Audrey took over connecting the call. She doubted she could do it herself. She might have known otherwise, but because of her rift with Audrey, she never had to make a call across the country before.

They didn’t talk long because of the cost, but for the time they did, Jane was caught in a state of whiplash. In the cramped phone booth, her body was pressed right up against Audrey’s, kicking up a flurry of emotions, cheeks brushing up against each other to hear the phone. Meanwhile, Jane’s stomach was turning each time their parents spoke, every word a reminder of her and Audrey’s relationship, the blood they shared that burned up inside of her as they said goodbye.

She felt nauseous leaving the phone booth, so she was glad Audrey didn’t try to strike up a conversation heading to the car, taking the silence as an opportunity to try to dissipate the shame that ran hot through her body.

---------------------------

The engine growled as the car climbed its way up into the Rockies.

A lit cigarette hung from Audrey’s mouth as she looked out the cracked window, a few flyaway hairs dancing in the wind. On her left thigh lay a folded map of the Rockies.

With its help, she’d guided Jane off the interstate onto a more scenic route she’d taken last year, which was a much-needed break from the constant crowd of traffic.

The sound of the creek below was loud in Jane’s ears, currents rushing and diverging around smooth rocks. Above them, tall conifers climbed the mountains, swaying in the hot wind that funneled through the valley. Through her cracked window, the air swirled down, countering Audrey’s smoke with the dusty smell of pine sap.

“Hey,” Audrey indicated a spot on the shoulder with the end of her cigarette. Jane put on her turn signal. “Turn off for a minute.” The wheels of the car ground on the gravel as they stopped. A car flew by, rocking the car as Jane shifted into park.

Audrey was already out the door, crushing her cigarette underfoot as she raised her arms to stretch, head tilted up to admire the mountains above her. Jane checked the side mirror and got out of the car.

It was just as sweltering outside the car as in, and Jane found herself clinging to every wisp of the passing breeze as she and Audrey met in front of the hood.

“Thanks for stopping,” Audrey said, not breaking sight with the scenery as she clasped her hands behind her and leaned against the hood of the car. Jane mirrored her, eyes clinging to her sister’s profile as she turned her head to the mountains.

A huge bird of prey took off from a tree, soaring down the slope and banking to fly over their heads, beating its wings as it coasted above the trees. They were hidden away in the valley, the curves of the mountains enclosing the stretch of highway. A van rattled past, a pair of bikes strapped to its back.

“Come on,” Audrey said. As the van drove away, she stood from the car and walked across the gravel to the highway. Taking a quick glance, she jogged across the road. Jane followed after her.

The shoulder was tighter here, but they were finally able to see the creek. It got much wider here than what they had seen on the drive. A few trees gathered by the water’s edge where the creek split around a tiny island of stones in the middle. The air was cooler now that they were nearer to the water.

The two of them watched the creek flow.

“Beats Kansas, huh?” Jane remarked. Audrey turned to her and gripped her by the arms, eyes wide.

“Oh my god I hate that part of the trip so much,” Audrey said. Jane giggled at her sister’s sudden intensity, taking a step back for balance. “I didn’t even wanna tell you about it and ruin it early.”

Jane kept laughing and Audrey broke into a grin of her own. “It’s not that bad!” Jane protested, taking Audrey's arms in her own hands.

“It is,” Audrey shook her head slowly as she spoke. “It is. For one day it’s a nice change of pace. But I’ve gone through there three times.”

“I bet there are a lot of very nice Kansans that would disagree.”

Audrey drew back from her sister and held up her hands. “And I’m sure they love it, but I don’t want any part of it.”

A car whipped past as they cracked up on the side of the road.

“And I had to drive it alone !” Audrey exclaimed. “All alone.”

Jane watched the water flowing, a grin still on her face, boiling in the dry heat of the Rockies. “God, it’s so hot out,” she said.

“Do you want to go swimming?” Audrey gestured to the water below them. She looked completely serious. “I was about to ask anyway.”

“Are we even allowed to swim here?” Jane asked, her fingers tapping anxiously against her thigh. She looked up and down the road.

“It’ll be fine,” Audrey assured as she already began to make her way down the hillside. “Just come to the water, at least.”

Jane’s sneakers slid on the dirt as she followed her sister down the dusty slope. She was struck with a strange sense of deja vu as she stumbled down the base of the dirt hill to meet Audrey. Searching her mind, she winced when she realized she was remembering the beginning of the dream that had been plaguing her for a week.

Audrey was already sitting down on the thin rocky beach by the water, untying her shoes. The water was much louder by the creek, and the trees behind them hid them from the sound of passing traffic, sheltering the two of them in the cradle of the riverside.

Jane sat down on an unearthed tree root on the hillside as Audrey kicked her socks and shoes off and rolled up her pant legs. Audrey crossed the beach and crouched to feel the water.

“How is it?” Jane called.

“Good,” Audrey said. The water was flowing a little slower here than it was down the river, rocks and fallen branches casting static ripples on the water’s surface. Audrey pushed herself to her feet. Gingerly, she waded into the water, wincing as she stepped.

“It gets deep,” Audrey said, raising her voice over the sound of the river. “We could definitely swim.”

“Did you bring a swimsuit?”

“We can just go in a bra and underwear,” Audrey said. “Nobody’ll be able to see us from the road.” Jane stared at her shoes as she worked on the knot, hiding her expression from her sister.

“Maybe,” Jane’s voice was strained as she pulled off her shoe, setting it beside her on the ground.

Jane had never really felt very confident about her body. Once, in sophomore year, she was invited to a friend’s birthday pool party, and she remembered sitting there by the edge of the pool, a pit in her stomach, watching the other girls swim, all smooth legs and flat stomachs. Jane had told her friend’s mom she was feeling sick that day and left early. Since then, she had never enjoyed swimming around others, always self conscious. And Jane couldn’t imagine it would be much easier with Audrey, given her condition.

“Come on, it’ll be fun.” Audrey walked carefully over to Jane, feet painting a trail of water on the rocks behind her. “The water’s clear! And it’s not cold at all.”

Jane said nothing in response, eyes still low. Untying shoes didn’t take as long as she needed, so she worked through her other shoelace as slowly as she could muster.

“Will you at least wade with me?”

Jane bit the bullet and untied her shoelace in two quick yanks. “Okay,” she replied, looking up at her sister. Audrey’s face lit up.

Jane nervously eyed a passing car as she walked to the water’s edge. They were covered from above, but cars passing around the bend would still be able to see them, and that gave Jane some far-fetched anxiety that someone would report them. For what, she wasn’t sure.

She traced her toes across the water’s rolling surface. The creek was comfortably cool. The water was mostly clear, if a little murky from the more turbulent current upstream. A pair of minnows darted away from where her foot touched the water.

Jane clutched at the sides of her shorts as she stepped into the creek after her sister. As the water rushed over her ankles she breathed a sigh of relief. In the unbearable heat of the day, the cool water felt like a burst of life in her system. The worn rocks of the creekbed pressed deep into Jane’s soles, forcing her on the balls of her feet as she waded deeper into the water, nearing Audrey.

Her sister leaned over to keep rolling up her pant legs, although it didn’t seem like there was much room left. The water where the two stood was about shin deep, the current pushing gently against the girls’ calves.

The rocky facade of the mountain above them was beautiful in the afternoon light, shadows carving deep niches into the rock. Birds sang in the distance.

Audrey stood carefully, hands hovering by her legs in case her pants came unrolled.

“Do you think we’re allowed to be here?” Jane felt relieved and defeated at once for bringing it up.

“It’s fine, Jane,” Audrey replied, a note of exasperation in her voice before she gave Jane a warm smile. “No one’s gonna tell.” She poked her sister in the chest as she said the last word, and Jane looked down, blushing.

“Something you should know, for life,” Audrey said as she leaned over to dip the tips of her fingers in the water. “Is that people don’t care as much as you’d think.”

“Oh,” Jane chuckled, somewhat taken aback. “That’s sad.”

“Well, okay,” Audrey said, rolling her eyes as she straightened back up. “Oh shit.” Her pant leg had come undone, the wrinkled denim unrolled to the creek’s surface, soaking up water. Audrey bent back over to roll it back up, wincing as the cold fabric touched her skin. “No, I’m sure people will of course care about Miss Superstar Biologist,” she said with a smug grin. Jane groaned and turned to kick at the water. “But about rules and stuff like that. No one’s gonna see someone in the river and call the cops.” She gave Jane a reassuring smile.

“I guess.”

“We’ll be fine,” Audrey said, scooping up Jane’s hands with hers and giving them a squeeze. A sudden smirk crept across her face. “Miss Superstar—”

“Oh god!” Jane cried out.

“—Biologist,” Audrey finished slowly as Jane buried her face in her hands.

“I’ve never wanted to be a biologist less,” Jane said, dropping her hands to reveal a begrudging smile on her face.

“A superstar biologist,” Audrey corrected.

Jane kicked at Audrey’s shin underwater.

“Hey!” Audrey yelped, pushing her sister away.

Jane swept her leg back to catch herself and felt her heart drop from her chest when she felt her heel catch on a rock.

Before she even knew she fell, Jane was pushing herself out of the water, soaked from head to toe, spluttering sour creek water out of her mouth. By some miracle her glasses had stayed on her face, and through speckled lenses she saw her sister frozen in surprise, a hand pressed against her agape mouth. Audrey’s clothes were soaked too, dripping from the waist down.

Jane pushed a wet lock of hair from her face.

“Audrey, you asshole!” she yelled, slicing her hand at the water to splash her sister. Audrey yelped and flinched away as the water hit her bracing arms.

“I’m so sorry!” Audrey cried, retreating a few steps. Her face was still frozen in an amazed smile. Jane, burning with irritation, splashed her again, this time catching a lot more water in her hand. As Audrey’s shirt caught the spray, Jane felt a pang of guilt. It was more water than she had meant.

“Hey!” Audrey kicked at the water, returning fire. Jane squealed as her face bore the brunt of the attack, and the guilt she felt quickly boiled into action, readying her hand at the water’s surface as she scrambled to her feet.

---------------------------

Audrey’s tactics were superior in the end, so Jane ended up crying uncle after a minute or so of battle. They sat by the creek, the water from their clothes soaking into the wood of the log beneath them. Jane tried to hide how heavily she was breathing. She was pretty badly out of shape.

Jane stared at the ground. A pillbug traversed the rocky terrain where the sisters had trailed water on their way to the log. Jane kicked a rock, and watched as it skipped along the riverbank, sinking into the water with a splash.

Jane didn’t usually find the ground this interesting. Well, actually, as a biologist she sometimes did, but that was usually in much richer soil conditions. And although the pillbug was very cute, Jane would have guessed that the main reason she was giving the ground so much attention was that it was something other than her sister, sitting half naked as she wrung the water out of her pants.

In her peripheral vision Jane saw her sister drape her pants over the log beside her, then go to take her shirt off as well.

“I'm sorry again.” Audrey’s voice came muffled through the wet fabric of her shirt. “I didn't mean to push you so hard.” There was a loud splatter as she wrung out her t-shirt.

“Thanks,” Jane said, a quick snort escaping from her nose. “I thought it was a little bit fun.”

Audrey laughed. “I could tell,” she said, crossing her leg over her knee as she gave the shirt another squeeze. Jane blushed at the ground and jumped when she felt a cold hand on her shoulder. “Is everything alright?”

Jane flicked her gaze up to her sister for an instant, heart already racing as she gave an indifferent shrug. “Yeah,” she said, eyes retreating. It’s just that I’ve had a crush on you for a week. She shook that thought and searched for a better excuse.

“Oh,” Audrey said, withdrawing her hand. “I…” she trailed off, mouth open as she thought over her words. “You know you’re allowed to look at me? You don’t have to look away.”

Jane’s face burned as she watched her sister from the corner of her eye.

“Sorry,” Audrey said, taking a breath. “Not that you have to.” She brushed away a leaf that had fallen on her thigh. Her fingers tapped anxiously where her hand had landed. The trees above them bristled in the wind as the low rumble of a car’s engine came from around the bend.

“These last few years, we’ve been like strangers,” Audrey said carefully, eyes locked on the ground, fingers still fidgeting on her knee. “And I hated it, and I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything for so long, because it was one of those things where it’s a hard conversation to have, so you don’t have it so it gets harder and on and on.” Audrey drew a sharp breath. “And I had to say something to you and I had to say it now because as soon as you went off to college I knew I would never say anything ever.” The words now poured out of her mouth, so messy and so rapid Jane could barely keep up. Jane felt overwhelmed by the suddenness of it.

“And we’d be strangers, and I don’t want that,” Audrey continued. “Because when we were inseparable I was so happy. And people would think it was weird, but I didn’t care because you were my — you were my best friend, Jane. And I don’t even know if I’ve been that happy since. Well, maybe I have, but it was everyday. I would wake up and I couldn’t wait for school to be over so I could spend time with you.”

For the first time since she started speaking, she looked up at Jane, her eyebrows knit in embarrassment as she registered the person she was pouring her heart out to. She darted her eyes back to the ground.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. Jane reached over and took her hand. It was soft in hers, and Audrey smiled faintly as they touched. “Thanks,” she said, sniffling. “I got a little off track there.”

They chuckled at that.

“What I mean to say,” Audrey said, letting her words out more carefully this time. “Is that we’ve spent so much time together in our lives, and I don’t want to start all over because we have maybe a week together before we’re apart again.”

Jane gave a slow nod. Her heart felt heavy, sore.

“So you can see me in my underwear,” Audrey said, a wry smile breaking onto her face. “Because you’re my sister, and you’ve seen me in my underwear a hundred times.”

Jane threw her arms around Audrey, nearly tackling her with the force of it. Audrey yelped as Jane hit her, the two broadly grinning as Audrey returned the embrace.

They sat there hugging for a while, long enough that Jane couldn’t remember how much time had passed. She didn’t want to pull away, to return to the relative cold of the mountain air, the persistent ache of whatever distance between them existed. So they sat there, arms tight around each other as the creek flowed by.

Audrey was the first one to exit the hug, and they both withdrew awkwardly to where they sat. Jane’s body felt light, like if she didn’t hold her arms down they might just lift up and float away.

And as Jane took the sight of Audrey in, the first thing she felt, loud and dull in her chest, was familiarity. Because her sister was right, Jane had seen her like this a hundred times, but it was still a shock to really recognize what she was seeing.

Jane knew the mole just under her ribcage, the scar on her knee from when she had fallen off her bike racing down a hill, the knot of her belly button, all these things she remembered from before. But it was so much more than that.

Jane knew the dip in her hips, the scratchy turf of regrowing hair, the pouch of belly that gathered at the bottom of her sister’s abdomen as she sat. And not because she remembered it from Audrey all those years ago, but because she knew it from herself.

Those were her hips, the ones she had hated, the ones that had never looked like the other girls’, that was the hair on her legs ever since she had packed her razor for the trip, that was the stomach that sat beneath her soaking wet shirt, the one she always hunched to try and hide.

But it was on Audrey now, and on her it looked so beautiful as she leaned back against her hands, stretching. And maybe, Jane thought, it might look beautiful on her too.

Jane was startled out of her trance as Audrey jolted away from her, covering her breasts with her arms, a look of mock betrayal on her face. Jane snapped her eyes away sheepishly, blushing.

“I’m joking!” Audrey teased with a smile, her hand gentle on Jane’s elbow. “I just said you can look at me.”

Jane gave a nod, eyes still fixed on the creek ahead of them.

Jane’s lack of response triggered a sharp exhale from Audrey’s nose. “I love you, Jane.”

“I love you too.”

The creek felt more comfortable now, the log softer, the air warmer, and Jane felt her body relax, letting the sound of running water resonate in her mind. Audrey’s speech had turned something over in her head, but she needed to think to find out what it was.

A duck flew down from the trees, landing in the water, and as Jane looked back at Audrey, her head tilted up at the mountain, something clicked.

This whole trip, she had known that Audrey was the same person as before, but it wasn’t until now that she really believed it, that the old Audrey really proved herself in the new one. And that was the key to placing all of these bizarre, impossible, tangled feelings she had.

She didn’t have a crush, some sudden irrational attraction to Audrey, the girl she grew up with, her own sister. Everything she had been feeling for the past week was just a deeply confused brain’s interpretation of a feeling that hadn’t reached the surface for a long time — the way it felt to have a sister again.

It was the way she had felt when she was twelve on vacation, and they had biked into town as the sun posed to set in the red sky. Jane had been so winded as they sat by the water, and Audrey had reached into her pockets and pulled out a mess of change and crumbled bills to buy them ice cream. They had sat cross-legged on the grass as cherry ice cream, melted from the hot sun, dripped onto Jane’s dress as she watched her sister against the sunset.

It was the way Jane felt when their family went to the movies and the girls would sit next to each other, sharing popcorn from the bucket and whispering quick asides in each others’ ears until they got shushed. Jane would always get tired when it was one of dad’s picks, so she’d lay her head on her sister’s shoulder and space out as the old men on the screen talked about something that didn’t matter. It was the feeling she got when her belly was full of popcorn, and she was next to her favorite person in the world, the rising swell in her chest, the tingle on her cheek as Audrey, whispering, caught her up on the movie.

It was the way she felt when a pair of boys destroyed the sandcastle they had worked on all day and Audrey kicked into battle mode, screaming them down until they ran away. The boys had tried to throw sand back at her but the wind was in their faces, so they had only blinded themselves. It was the way Jane felt when she had looked up at Audrey as she walked back over, a giddy grin on both their faces, the admiration Jane felt when she wished she could be half as brave as her sister.

It was the way Jane felt when she’d wake up early in the morning, sunlight pouring through her sister’s blinds, when she stretched after the best sleep she’d ever had. Their mother would always notice Jane’s door ajar and talk to Audrey about it, warn her that the sleepovers had to stop, that Jane had to learn to be independent. It was the way Jane felt when she’d wake up in a dark house, scared from a nightmare, and the first thing she would think of was Audrey, knowing that no amount of warnings from mom could ever stop her sister from taking her in.

It was the way she felt when they had met up at midnight in the driveway, sneaking out for no reason other than to be able to say that they had done it. They walked around, but realizing none of the local shops were open, they had decided to walk down to the park. They sat on the swingset for hours, spilling their souls under the public privacy of the streetlights. And as they shivered that cold night, as the crickets chirped and the wind blew softly so as not to disturb them, the only thing Jane feared more than their parents was morning, the looming, inevitable end to a moment she wished would last forever.

Jane zoned back in. Her socks sloshed in her shoes as they crossed the highway to the car, Audrey leading her by the hand. She felt dizzy, a torturous, sinking feeling in her chest, as she realized that her world was crumbling beneath her feet, everything she had taken for granted in her life falling away like water in her hands. And in the rubble of the world she had built, only one certainty remained:

Jane had been in love with her sister for a very long time.

Chapter Text

Chapter 7: American Girl
August 21, 1977
Lawson, CO
1691 / 2992 mi

The dawn’s light cascaded over the mountains, filling the valley with a yellow haze as the Evans sisters drove out of town. A wisp of smoke fell from Audrey’s lips, hanging for a second before vanishing quickly in the wind. The morning light caught her skin, painting her cheekbones with light. A Heart record played on the car’s speakers.

Jane’s stomach hurt. She hadn’t eaten anything last night, and barely had anything this morning except for when Audrey all but forced her to have some fruit from her breakfast, and even then, it had only really worsened the core issue.

Because as her sister slid the bowl of strawberries across the table, all Jane could see was the casual arch of her index finger, the slight smile on her soft lips, the kind glint in her eyes, and that made her feel sick, the butterflies in her stomach rotting as soon as her brain caught up to her heart.

At least before she had kept some idea of winning the fight, of rationalizing all her feelings into a little box and pushing that box out of her mind forever. But yesterday she realized she had been losing all along.

Jane always imagined being in love would feel a little different. From movies and books she always guessed the world would be painted in bright new colors, and she’d have all this joy to spread to others. But she mostly just felt really sick.

Maybe being in love felt better normally, when the person you were in love with didn’t share two parents and a blood type with you. Not that Jane would have any reference for it. She had never felt this strongly about anyone else in her life. Yesterday, when she was trying to piece her feelings together in the car ride back, she had briefly floated the idea that she wasn’t in love in the romantic sense somehow, but no. What Jane wanted from Audrey was a lot more than what sisters were supposed to get from each other.

Jane knew she couldn’t have her, and she knew she shouldn’t want to have her, and she didn’t know which of those thoughts hurt more.

The scent of cigarette smoke hit Jane’s nostrils and she inhaled deeply, watching her sister’s lips. She was so beautiful.

It was almost funny. After so many years of wondering if the boy-crazy phase had skipped over her, here she was, head over heels at last. Jane wondered if she could like a girl who wasn’t Audrey. Probably not, she thought.

If only they weren’t related. Maybe they could pretend, skip the country in some grand Bonnie-and-Bonnie getaway, live a second life far from here, pose as best friends and buy a cottage in the woods. They could find jobs, take fake last names, host dinner parties for the neighborhood, laugh it off when someone says they look alike. Jane imagined Audrey standing in the kitchen, frying up some eggs, giving her a good-morning kiss as she walked in from the bedroom.

Jane shook the thought from her head. Her heart ached in her chest, like someone had reached into her ribcage and wrung it out. She watched out the window, hiding her glassy eyes.

Jane ended up staring out the window for all of the day’s journey, petting Jack in her lap. There was no way she would be able to read like this, or do much of anything at all, so she just sat and let her mind chase itself in circles.

Every once in a while she would take a quick glance at Audrey, feeling her heart swell and her pulse quicken before she forced herself to look away.

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Jane lay back on the bed of the hotel, watching the blades of the ceiling fan turn. The room was pleasantly warm, a dry heat that enveloped her on the creaky hotel bed. A fly crawled on the popcorn ceiling, stopping every few inches. With a faint buzz it flew away and vanished in the air.

Jane was exhausted. The whole drive, her thoughts had been circling the same path over and over and over again, driving her brain into a buzzy fatigue. Here in the room, with her sister out looking around town, she could finally move on.

A mechanical whirr sounded throughout the room. Jane closed her eyes, listening. Someone next door was having a very animated conversation.

With a low groan, Jane rolled to her side, then pushed herself up. She wasn’t very good at pretending things were okay.

Jane’s heart raced as she felt the rumble of footsteps through the carpet, eyes glued to the door as Audrey fiddled with the lock from the other side.

“Hey,” Audrey said as she came in. In her hand she held a greasy brown paper bag.

“Hey,” Jane replied, weaker than she wanted. “What’d you get?” She looked out the window, hiding her face. Audrey walked around her bed to Jane’s.

“Just a chicken sandwich.” She handed the bag to Jane. “But I got you some fries, cause I thought you might be hungry.” Jane pried apart the wrinkled opening to the bag. Inside was a small paper bag of fries, topped by a few scattered packets of mayo.

“I’ll never understand the mayo thing,” Audrey said as Jane fished in the bag. “But I got it for you anyway because I love you.” Jane snorted as she bit into her fry. It was crispy and salty and greasy and the best thing she’d ever tasted, although it being a gift from her sister might have tipped the scales a bit.

By the time Jane was done eating, the sun had dipped below the mountains, casting golden light across the clouds. Her sister was in the bathroom, giving Jane space again.

Honestly, the biggest surprise was how normal it felt. Which was kind of the point of having always been in love with her, she guessed. Still, it came so naturally that most of the time she only caught her feelings after they had already subsided. All those long looks she would take, every time she thought to herself how pretty her sister was, the years of heartache when they fell apart, all of it was so clear looking back. The difference was that she saw everything so clearly now, and now that she had started she couldn’t stop.

And it wasn’t some simple task of passing a filter over her thoughts, separating familial from romantic and cutting out the latter. The way she felt about Audrey wasn’t a seesaw between the two, but both all at once, each side inextricable from the other.

“Hey.” Audrey’s voice came from the bathroom door as she left, flicking the lights off behind her.

“Hey,” Jane replied, looking up. Audrey walked across the room and sat on the bed beside her.

“How were the fries?” Audrey scratched the bridge of her nose as she spoke. Her eyes glinted in the twilight.

“Good, good,” Jane said. Adrenaline ran through her veins. Their knees were almost touching.

Audrey drew in a breath, taking a quick look around the room before she spoke. “Hey, listen,” she said. “There’s a bar I saw just a block or two down, and I wanted to ask if you’d go with me? Get a drink?”

A smile bloomed across Jane’s face, eyes sparkling. Audrey smiled in response. “So… yes?”

“Yeah,” Jane said, nodding. “Sure.” Audrey was so pretty when she smiled. Her cheeks wrinkled in little lines where they met her eyes, carving ridges above her dimple. The sun had gotten to Audrey yesterday, painting her face in a rosy red.

“Then you can get some practice for college,” Audrey teased, nudging Jane with her elbow. Jane looked down, blushing. It probably wasn’t a good idea for her to go out drinking with Audrey when she felt like this. But when Jane looked back up at her sister, at the way her hair fell down over her shoulders, she knew there was no way she could back out now.

---------------------------

The mountain air was hot as Jane and Audrey stood outside the bar. The road had quieted down since they got into town, with just a few cars passing by. Across the street, a pair of boys raced on their bikes, leaning into the wind.

The bar seemed a little run-down, although Jane guessed that was part of the appeal. Above the two of them was a hand-carved wooden sign, creaking from its chains as it swayed in the wind. The red paint on the door was chipping, revealing a deep brown wood beneath.

Audrey was wearing her red jacket, which she adjusted at the shoulders before stepping inside.

The place was quiet, just a few people hanging around the edges of the bar. In the lamplight Jane could make out an incredibly busy back wall, covered in dollar bills, postcards, and other scraps she couldn’t make out. The bust of a buck stuck out from a wall, dark eyes staring into space. The room was pretty cramped, the bar spanning the majority of the space with just a few tables against the other wall.

Audrey was already walking ahead, so Jane walked quickly to catch up, sitting beside her at the bar. Jane watched her reflection in the mirror behind the bar, eyeing herself through bottles of rum.

“Do you know what you’re gonna get?” Audrey asked, arm resting on the bar. The light that hit her was soft, and Jane couldn’t help but feel a little dizzy looking at her.

“No,” Jane replied. “Not really.” She adjusted her glasses nervously. “What do you think I should get?”

“Hmm,” Audrey thought, drumming her fingers on the bar. “I would say a mojito? I think it’s a good starting place.” The drink sounded familiar in Jane’s mind.

“Sure.”

Audrey sat up and gave a wave to the man down at the end of the bar.

The bartender was middle-aged and muscular, with thick arms that stretched the sleeves of his gray tee. His hair was short, crew-cut, showing hints of gray around the edges.

“What can I get for you ladies?” he asked in a tone more polite than Jane was expecting of a man his size.

“A mojito for her,” Audrey said before Jane had a chance. “And then what do you have on tap?”

After a back-and-forth that was entirely indecipherable to Jane, Audrey decided on her drink. Jane was just about ready to ask about what she got when the bartender spoke again.

“Can I get a ID then?” he asked, looking between the two. Audrey nodded and began digging in her pocket.

Jane’s fingers shook as she reached into her back pocket. Logically, she knew there would be no problem, but she couldn’t shake the dark feeling in her stomach. She placed hers on the table beside Audrey’s, and her eyes caught on her sister’s license. God, she even looked good in her ID photo, which Jane didn’t know was possible.

The bartender looked over their licenses, carefully scanning each of the girls’ faces. Jane looked up at him, scared to make an expression, feeling adrenaline surge as he looked up at her face.

“Yeah, you’re good,” he said. Jane felt her shoulders relax. “Open tab?” He looked at Audrey, who nodded. “I’ll have those for you in a mo’.” And he headed back down the bar.

Audrey idly mouthed the words in a mo’ and took her license from the table. Jane grabbed hers in turn, hastily stuffing it in her back pocket.

“You looked nervous,” Audrey said, smiling.

“I was!” Jane admitted. “A little bit.”

“You’re funny.”

Jane took a breath. She was a little less on edge than when they first arrived. A few more people had shown up, filtering throughout the bar.

“So how are you feeling?” Audrey asked. Jane turned her head back to her sister, brows knit. “You said you were nervous earlier? About school?” The idea seemed vaguely familiar in her head. She had probably made some excuse to explain how quiet she was.

“Oh yeah,” Jane said, pausing to think. “Yeah, a little bit.”

The thick-armed bartender came back over. In one hand he held a tall foaming glass of beer, and in the other, he had a shorter glass, clear with a few mint leaves dispersed throughout.

He placed the glasses before them and left without saying a word. Audrey reached forward and pursed her lips to drink, wiping away the foam that stuck to her lip with the side of her finger.

Jane leaned into the counter, looking her drink over. The plastic straw was beginning to lift with the carbonation. The smell of citrus and mint rose from the glass.

Jane swung the straw her way, then hesitated.

“Alright?” Audrey asked.

Jane nodded. “Yeah.” She lifted the glass towards her lips, but froze when she saw Audrey holding her beer out. A smile on her face, Jane clinked her glass against her sister’s and sipped through the straw.

The taste wasn’t really what she imagined. She had heard that alcohol was abrasive, burning, sharp. But when she sipped through her straw, all she could really taste was the sourness of the lime and the coolness of the mint, plus a sweetness she couldn’t place. She swallowed and put her drink down, and that was when it hit, the sourness of the lime turning into something stronger. Her throat felt buzzy, a foreign sensation almost like spiciness. It was almost a medical taste to her, numbing its way into every corner of her mouth.

Jane swallowed again, trying to get the taste off her tongue. It cooled down again, but the remnants of the sensation remained.

As the alcohol began to fade, Jane realized the grimace she was making. Her forehead felt tight from it. As she widened her eyes, she saw her sister studying her, an amused smirk on her face.

“What?” Jane asked.

“Nothing,” Audrey said. “I just wanted to see what kind of face you’d make.” Jane blushed. “Could I have some?”

Jane pushed the glass towards her sister with her knuckle. “Please.”

Audrey raised the glass to her lips, locking eyes with Jane as she drank, lips pursed around the straw, and for just an instant Jane felt her heart stop. Because she could have sworn that for a moment, just a single moment, Audrey’s eyes flashed from her usual twinkling joy to something different, something deeper.

And then Audrey looked away and it was gone, putting the drink back on the table.

“Oh that is pretty strong,” Audrey said, although Jane could barely hear over the blood rushing in her ears. “What do you think?”

Jane shrugged with leaden shoulders. “It’s good,” she offered. Her lips felt numb. She knew she was wrong, that never in her life would Audrey think something like that, but that barely seemed to matter. She was coming back from a world where it was real.

“You didn’t look like it was good,” Audrey prodded. She took another drink from her beer, eyes twinkling again as she watched Jane.

“Well, um, yeah,” Jane laughed nervously. She was all over the place. Maybe the alcohol was getting to her. “I just didn’t expect the taste to be like that.”

Audrey chuckled. “You’ll get used to it. If you want to try my beer it’s not gonna be as strong.”

Jane nodded and took the glass from her sister. The glass had become cool with condensation, her hand damp as she raised the drink to her lips.

Jane winced as she swallowed down the liquid.

“Still too strong?” Audrey asked, and in a flash Jane remembered the way her sister had looked at her. The image felt distorted, though, a wishful fabrication of the real thing.

“No, um,” Jane said, sliding the glass back across the bar. She wished she could calm her heart. “It just tastes…” Jane paused, then felt the words come out anyway. “Bad.”

Audrey snorted, drawing a look from the woman behind her. “Yeah,” she said. “Fair.” She took a long gulp from the beer. “If you drink in college it’ll taste pretty different. This one’s kinda fancy.” She wiped her lip. “As beers go.”

Jane nodded. Her brain felt weird, like she was forgetting something, although she had no idea what. She took another sip of her mojito, and it went down a little easier this time, now that she knew what to expect.

Maybe the drink was beginning to get to her. It felt like all the little pokes and prods of life were being smoothed out inside her brain, like she could finally ignore all the dumb little things that begged for her attention.

Jane watched her sister, the rosy glow on her cheeks as she drank, the line of her nose, the reflection of the bar in her eyes, and a warm feeling rose in her chest. She could have stared for hours without getting bored.

But Audrey must have seen her looking and she turned her head, a bemused expression on her face. “What’s up?”

Jane scrambled for an excuse, but her brain wasn’t willing to turn anything up. “Oh, nothing.”

Audrey surveyed her suspiciously for a second, then shrugged. “Alright.”

Jane bowed her head towards her glass, trying to cover the embarrassment on her face. God, it felt like half the time she spent with Audrey she was trying to hide a blush. Jane took another sip.

“Jane.” Jane sat back up. Audrey’s voice carried a tone of urgency as she spoke, placing her fingers on Jane’s arm. “Just… pace yourself, okay? It doesn’t hit you all at once.” Jane nodded and placed her drink back on the bar.

Jane took a look around. The place had begun to liven up. The bar on either side of her was pretty thick with people, filling the room with the noise of conversation. A group of men by the door laughed loudly, the noise loud in Jane’s ears.

Audrey was looking away when she turned back, and she felt her eyes clinging to her sister’s profile. Her skin was so soft in the warm light. Jane wanted to reach over, turn Audrey’s head, lean in…

Jane tried to shake the idea, but it clung to her, and she couldn’t help but keep staring, imagining it was just the two of them in the room, together, really together, that nothing in the world could tear them apart.

Jane knew she shouldn’t be thinking like this, but she couldn’t stop. Even in a room full of expensive liquors, the most intoxicating thing there was her sister.

“Jaaaaaaney,” Audrey sang, her voice wavering, teasing. Jane focused her eyes back in. How long had her sister been looking at her? Her drink was nearly empty now, just an inch or so of liquid at the bottom of the glass.

“Yeah?”

“I’m gonna hit the ladies’,” Audrey said. She tilted her head back to drain the rest of her beer, wiping her lip as it came away. “And then let’s do a shot together.” Jane nodded eagerly. “Practice for Santa Cruz, alright?”

Jane gave another nod and Audrey stood from the bar, her stool spinning as she walked away. Jane watched her weave through the place, squeezing past a group of men standing by the end of the bar.

As soon as Audrey was out of sight, it felt like a bucket of cold water had been splashed on Jane, as everything she had been thinking came back to her, and she felt like puking.

Of all the people in the world, why did it have to be her? And of course the answer was clear, and as hard as she tried to shove it down, she couldn’t stop it from coming to the surface.

Because it could only be her.

“Hey.” A voice startled Jane and she turned to see a man two stools over waving at her. Jane eyed him cautiously as she sipped from her drink. He bore a friendly smile, and dropped his hand once she was facing him.

“Sorry for eavesdropping,” he said, looking down at the ground before continuing. “But was she by any chance talking about UC Santa Cruz? The college?”

Jane gave him a nod.

“No kidding!” he burst into a smile. “My brother goes there.” He let his smile linger for a moment and then gestured to the seat next to her. “Mind if I?”

“Sure,” Jane said tentatively, looking him over.

The man was blond, wearing a dark t-shirt with an insignia on the breast Jane couldn’t quite make out in the dark. He slid onto the stool beside her. Now that he was closer Jane could make out his face, freckled and rosy in the dim light. He had a weak mustache on his lip, like he had just begun to grow it out.

“What year are ya goin’ into?” He spoke fast, his words blending at the edges. He took a sip of his beer, foam clinging to the ends of his mustache like dew.

“Freshman,” Jane replied.

“Oh right on,” he said, nodding. “Johnny’s a junior.” He grinned into the bar for a few seconds before shooting back upright.

“I can’t believe I forgot,” he said, pressing his palm into his forehead. “I’m Jake.” He reached out his hand with a smile.

“Jane,” she said, shaking his hand, and she returned a smile of her own.

“Oh hey,” he grinned, pointing between the two of them. Jane looked back at him with confusion. “Jane, Jake.”

“Oh yeah,” Jane laughed, and she took a sip of her drink, finishing it. She thought the drinks would have been bigger.

“So what’re you doing in Glenwood? Doesn’t class start in a week or so?”

“Yeah,” Jane said, her mind faltering as her thoughts moved back to Audrey. “Um, I’m on a road trip right now. My sister goes to school in LA, so…” Jane gestured towards the bathroom. “What about you?”

“I’m just up on a weekend fishing trip right now. But I go to the School of Mines.”

Jane snorted.

“It’s a real school.”

Jane’s eyes shot open wide, and she felt an embarrassed blush come to her face. “Oh I’m sorry.”

Jake leaned back from the bar, chuckling. “No, you’re alright. You’re not the first person who’s done that. Is that a mojito?”

“Um, yeah, I think. I haven’t really drank before.”

“No kidding! Do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good.”

The man waved the bartender over and gestured at Jane. “Another one for her.” He looked over at Jane. “For your first drink.” He gave Jane a nod. “Or second,” he added.

“Oh,” Jane said, surprised. The bartender looked her over and went off again. “Thanks.”

Something about it felt wrong, but she pushed it aside. Despite her anxiety, Jake seemed like a decent guy, and she could point out twenty other guys in the bar she’d trust less. She absentmindedly took the drink from the bartender and took another sip.

“Jane.”

Jane turned, startled to see Audrey standing behind her. She looked down at Jane with a stoic expression on her face.

“We should probably get going. Long day of travel ahead,” she said, eyes relaxed but still intense, never looking at Jake.

Away from Jake’s gaze, Jane made a confused expression at Audrey, trying to get a more explicit signal, but it never came.

“Well, you can’t pull her away just yet,” Jake said from behind her. Jane could tell he was smiling without having to look at him. “She just got another drink.”

Audrey watched the man with stern eyes. “It’s her first time drinking. I don’t want her to have too much.” Jane looked between her sister and the man, trying to grasp the situation.

“Yeah, I’m tired too,” Jane agreed, watching her sister for a reaction. This whole situation felt like a scene from an old western she watched with Audrey, some bizarre three person standoff in an unfamiliar America.

“Just let her finish the drink!” Jake sighed. “At least until you pay your tab.”

“I already paid the tab.”

The man made a dumbfounded expression and turned back to the bar, resigned. Jane looked between him and her sister, sipped from her straw and stood from the bar. Looking back as they left, Jane saw him switch over to his old seat, welcomed back by a pair of men. The one nearest Jake reached out to pat him on the back, and Jane saw the other turn to give the two a nasty look as they left.

Though hot, the fresh air was a relief against Jane’s face as they stepped out under the streetlights. The street outside the bar had become a line of parked cars. A young couple stood from an old sedan, the woman taking a long pull off her cigarette. Jane’s face felt hot.

“Are you alright?” Jane felt Audrey’s hands on her shoulders as her sister looked her over with concern. Jane tilted her head down.

“Yeah,” she said, embarrassed. Looking back, it was so obvious the man was trying to hit on her, but she had been completely oblivious until Audrey had come back.

“I’m really really sorry Jane,” Audrey said, letting her hands fall from Jane’s shoulders. “Let’s head back.”

Jane gave a weak nod and walked after her. Her heart still pounded in her chest. She hadn’t expected things to get anywhere near that tense. She couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel and lay back in her bed. Maybe if Audrey was concerned she’d come over, let Jane rest her head on her shoulder.

Jane was shocked from her reverie by a voice shouting from behind them. She turned to see the distant figure of Jake walking out of the bar, waving for their attention. His two friends followed after him, grins wide on their faces, calling him back inside.

Audrey gripped Jane firmly by the elbow and walked the two of them forward. The hotel wasn’t too much farther. Jane felt adrenaline pushing at her back, tightening her legs.

“Come on, I paid for the damn drink!”

He was closer, by the sound of it, but Jane didn’t dare turn back to look. The hotel was right there.

One of the other men called after him. “Jake, you fucking tool, come back!”

Jane’s eyes were trained on the hotel door. Then everything would be alright. It was just a few more steps now.

“Listen, I’m sorry,” Jake called out, but it really didn’t sound like it.

Jane felt her stomach drop out from underneath her as Audrey’s hand tightened on her arm steering her away from the door. Had Audrey somehow missed it?

Suddenly Audrey pulled her to the right and things made sense when she saw the Impala parked on the street. Audrey let go of Jane’s arm as she circled towards the driver’s side. Instinctively, Jane followed into the passenger seat, locking the door behind her.

The man stood in front of the car, throwing his hands in the air as Audrey kicked the car into reverse, blinding him in the headlights of the Impala. His friends caught up with him and dragged him back towards the bar. One hit him on the back, hard.

Jane wrung her hands out anxiously as they drove along the road.

“Are you okay?” Audrey asked, her brow knitted in concern.

“Yeah, um,” Jane said, her voice shaky with fear. “I’m okay now, just… I was really scared.”

Audrey gave a solemn nod. “I’m really sorry.” She reached a hand across the console, placing her fingers over Jane’s resting forearm. “You’re safe now, okay?”

It was incredible how much a little gesture like that could calm her down. Jane’s breathing steadied, her shoulders relaxed.

The streetlights outside shone down on empty sidewalks. The town had thinned out since they had begun driving, and the valley seemed to close in on either side of them. Suddenly, Jane was struck with an idea.

“Should you be driving?” Jane asked, turning to her sister with concern. Audrey winced and then shrugged.

“It’ll be fine. I’ve only had one drink, and I’m not going too far.”

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t really know yet.”

The sky was beautiful as Audrey took a turn onto a road that climbed up into the mountains. The car’s engine growled as they drove the steep road, but Jane found it to be like a lullaby as she rested her head in her hand, watching the city’s lights grow smaller and smaller below them.

The car slowed to a stop, and Jane felt her head pulled forward by the momentum. She hadn’t even noticed they had turned off the road. Audrey twisted the key and shut off the headlights, getting up and out of the sedan.

Jane’s eyes adjusted as she stepped into the darkness, setting her glasses on the bridge of her nose. Audrey rifled through her pockets as she sat back against the hood of the car, looking up into the sky. It was a clear night and now that they had fled the valley they could see the ring of orange and red that hovered above the horizon. Everything in the world felt so far away, the twinkling lights of the city burning below. Jane could just make out a few cars making their way down the highway.

Jane watched her sister’s silhouette in the twilight. It was warm enough that she had left her jacket in the car, so she was left in just a tank top and jeans as she pulled her pack from her pocket.

Audrey turned and locked eyes with Jane, smiling mysteriously as she waved her sister over to the hood of the car. Jane came over and leaned against the car beside her, close enough that their arms touched as Audrey pulled a cigarette from her pack.

Audrey held her lighter beneath its tip, covering her mouth to protect the flame from the wind. Jane watched the glow light up her face, adoration flaring in her heart. The stars twinkled above her head like a halo.

Audrey took a long drag and breathed out, the smoke disappearing into the mountain air before her. “Ugh,” Audrey sighed, pushing more smoke from her lungs. “What a day.” She twisted her hand, offering the cigarette to Jane, but she still showed surprise when Jane carefully pulled it from her fingers, eyes trained on the burning end.

“Are you sure?” Audrey asked, her brow knit in worry.

“Um,” Jane rethought it for a moment. “Yeah, I think so.” She regarded the paper in her hands, every tagline from every PSA she’d ever seen bubbling half-remembered to the surface and she gently placed it in her lips, pulling the air into her mouth.

Jane felt a burning sensation at the back of her throat, drier than the alcohol, and she pushed it from her mouth, feeling a shallow cough burst from her lungs, although there wasn’t a visible cloud like with Audrey.

“It’s not as bad as I would have thought,” Jane remarked, holding it out for her sister.

“That’s cause you didn’t get anything,” Audrey said, smiling, and she pushed Jane’s fist back towards her face. “Breathe in harder this time.”

Jane placed the cigarette back in her lips, locking eyes with Audrey as she drew on it again, harder this time, like a straw.

“There you go,” Audrey said in a low voice as the end of the cigarette glowed, lighting up Jane’s face. Jane’s head felt fuzzy and light, her throat now properly burning as she inhaled, the taste of smoke thick on her tongue. And there was another taste too, a subtle note that Jane savored as she watched Audrey’s lips.

Suddenly Audrey’s eyes widened. “Oh that’s good,” she said quickly, reaching to take the cigarette as Jane pulled it from her lips.

Jane opened her mouth to ask something, but before she could say anything she felt a cough claw its way from her throat, and she doubled over, spewing smoke into the night wind. She took a breath and before it made it even halfway into her throat she was coughing again, hacking dry air from her lungs. Her eyes felt like they were going to pop out.

“I should have mentioned that,” Audrey said, her hand gently caressing Jane’s hunched back. Jane straightened up, gulping air into her lungs, coughing it out as she stood. Audrey had one hand pressed over her mouth, the cigarette dangling loosely from the other.

Jane wheezed out a bit more and finally took in a smooth breath as she looked over at Audrey, her face tomato red from pressure as they locked eyes.

Jane was the first to break out laughing, Audrey following just after, the two of them nearly falling to the ground with it. The sound echoed across the mountainside, fading away as they gained their composure again.

“My first time was way worse,” Audrey assured as Jane coughed again. “Me and Sharon were around the side of the house during lunch — which was a dumb idea anyway — and so she offers me some and I take it.” Audrey took a draw, blowing it back into the air. “And of course I just begin hacking, and wheezing.”

“Were mom and dad not home?”

Audrey pointed the cigarette at Jane with a knowing grin. “And while we had snuck back there, dad must have come home because he comes storming out, and he’s yelling and shouting all dad-like.” She grinned as she stared off into the stars. “And I got so much hell for that. I was so scared he’d tell you.”

“He didn’t.”

“I guessed,” Audrey said. “That was when we were talking, so I’d have known.” Audrey grinned widely, offering the cigarette again. Jane thought for a moment and took it. The smoke went down a little smoother this time.

“Anyway,” Audrey said, taking the cigarette back from Jane. “How are you feeling?”

“Hm?

“About what happened tonight? That stuff is scary, I just wanna… check in with you.”

“Oh, yeah.” Jane had almost forgotten about it if not for the darkness that still sat in her stomach, the anxiety that lingered. “Yeah, it was scary. I just— I don’t understand why all that happened.” Audrey nodded, brow serious. “He got so mad in no time at all.”

“I’m so sorry, Jane. I—” Audrey exhaled through her nose, her lip twisted in contempt. “Men love to walk around like they own the world and make everyone else hurt for it. It’s j— it’s bullshit.” She tossed Jane a quick glance. “Sorry.” She frustratedly pulled on her cigarette.

“Thanks,” Jane offered, staring at the ground. Barely thinking, she let out a chuckle.

“What?”

“Sorry, it’s just,” Jane said, a faint blush rising on her cheeks. “Well, you’re the one with the boyfriends.” It came out a little more bitter than was probably appropriate, and Jane felt guilt pooling in her throat at the idea of insulting Audrey.

Audrey looked surprised for a moment, then laughed, and Jane felt her worry dissipate a little bit. “What, jealous?”

Jane felt her blood run cold as time slowed to a crawl. “What?” Jane asked with whatever composure remained, her voice weak with all the strength she could muster.

“That— of that you haven’t had a boyfriend,” Audrey said, turning her head down to watch a car parking in a driveway far below. Jane let out a long breath.

“No, not really,” Jane said, and Audrey snorted.

“Also I don’t have a boyfriend now,” Audrey added, handing the cigarette back to Jane. “So for all you know I’ve learned my lesson.” She turned, expecting some response only to see Jane timidly puffing on the cigarette. Audrey watched her inhale.

“Have you?” Jane asked, a little dizzy as she passed the cigarette back. “I think I’m done smoking by the way.”

“Maybe,” Audrey answered, drawing on the cigarette. As she inhaled, her gaze clung lazily to Jane, and there it was again, the look from the bar back on her face, and Jane felt weak in the knees, her breath catching in her throat. The look stayed for longer this time, Audrey’s eyes almost hungry on her. Jane blushed and looked away as she heard her sister blow the smoke out.

Audrey’s chin tilted up towards the stars, gesturing out. “Gemini,” she indicated, pointing towards the horizon.

“Um, but yeah,” she continued. “After Neil, I think I need a break from men.”

Jane nodded. “I’m sorry about that.”

Audrey waved her hand. “It’s fine. He was always kind of an in-between person in my life, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“In that I never really thought about things with him long-term. I’m honestly surprised I stayed with him as long as I did.”

Jane nodded.

“Okay,” Audrey said, her lips hanging open as she ordered her words. “Okay, can I share something with you?” Jane nodded. “And you can react however you want, just promise not to freak out.”

“That’s not however I want,” Jane said, and Audrey rolled her eyes, elbowing Jane. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

“Okay,” Audrey continued, nervously drawing on her cigarette, her fingers behind her tapping anxiously on the hood of the car. When Audrey finally spoke her words came out slow and careful. “So, I haven’t dated only guys.” She didn’t look at Jane; her eyes were fixed on the ground at her feet. She took a draw from her cigarette, which was burnt nearly to the filter.

She took a hasty glance at Jane before staring back at her feet.

“Oh,” Jane said, trying to think of a reply through her racing mind. Really, lesbianism wasn’t that different from where Jane was at right now. Maybe the way she felt made her a lesbian herself, but she didn’t really want to think about that right now, so she pushed the idea aside and forced out a reply. “That’s fine.”

Maybe she could have stood to be more supportive, but with all the thoughts racing in her mind, it was a decent effort.

“Um,” Jane continued, filling the silence. “So what happened?”

“Yeah, uh, it was me and…” Audrey hung on the word, but after a pause continued anyway. “Me and Sharon, actually. But I don’t know if we really dated.” She considered the cigarette, but instead threw it to the ground, extinguishing it with her sneaker. “It was right after—” Her voice cut out quickly, and she scratched her nose before continuing.

“It was right after I broke up with Tim, and I was over at her house to watch the Mary Tyler Moore show, and one way or another we ended up kissing.”

Jane felt her face burning with jealousy. Of course it was Sharon and not her. Well, of course it wasn’t her, but it still stung. She was lucky Audrey was still looking at the ground, since there was no way she could hide her feelings like this. Her heart pumped icy blood.

“And we went out to get a burger together too. But she was really nervous the whole time, and that was it.” Audrey itched her nose. “So I don’t even know if that’s dating.”

“Oh I’m sorry,” Jane said, but she didn’t mean it in the slightest. She had the sudden urge to find Sharon and smack her across the face for touching her sister like that.

“Oh it’s fine,” Audrey said, looking back over at Jane, who had just regained composure in time. “I don’t really think she was my type anyway.”

Jane felt her heart stop. Her type.

She knew there was no way, but some hopeful part of her still asked. “What is your type? For a girl?”

Audrey eyed her with amusement. “I guess it’s hard to say.” Jane watched with bated breath as her sister scratched her ear nervously. “Probably… someone who’s thoughtful, for one.”

Jane’s heart beat, barely able to hear over the blood rushing.

“Someone smart,” Audrey said. “Someone who’s really passionate about what she does, what she wants to do.” A faint smile hung on Audrey’s lips.

A heartbeat.

“Optimistic,” Audrey said. “Someone who’s hopeful, someone who sees the best in people, even if she could be a little more cautious.”

A heartbeat, and Audrey turned her gaze to Jane, her eyes twinkling as they watched her, a knowing smile glowing on her face.

“Brunette.”

And before she could stop herself, Jane was pressed against Audrey’s lips, her hands weaving themselves in her sister’s hair, pulling herself closer, as close as she could get. Audrey stumbled backwards from the force, her hands finding themselves at Jane’s waist.

Jane nearly melted at the touch, and she felt an ache moving down through her torso, burning as it went. She felt Audrey’s hands exploring, pushing their way up her back as her sister pulled them more closely together. Jane let out an involuntary moan, relaxing into Audrey’s touch. She could taste the smoke from earlier on her lips.

For a moment the thought of a car passing occurred, but Jane didn’t care if anyone saw, she didn’t care if their parents saw, if the whole world saw. If she died right then and there she would have died happy.

Audrey pulled her in tight, soft lips pressed on her sister’s. Jane’s glasses pushed hard into the bridge of her nose, but she wouldn’t let go for anything, because as soon as they separated that could be it, and Jane wouldn’t let that happen.

“Jnn–” Audrey moaned into her mouth as Jane moved her hands down from Audrey’s head, squeezing tight over her shoulders.

With a sick twist Jane felt her sister’s hand push her away, and their lips separated, leaving their heads no more than a foot apart.

“Jane,” Audrey panted while Jane caught her breath. Jane’s hand still cupped her sister’s neck, and beneath her thumb she could feel two pulses racing. She watched Audrey intently, lips already hungry at the distance between them.

“This is—” Audrey said, brow knit, wide eyes scanning Jane’s expression. “You— you want this?”

Jane nodded feverishly. “For a long time, I think.” Audrey nodded in return, her cheeks rosy as she grinned.

“Me too.”

Like magnets they drew together again, lips colliding, hands grasping, just the two of them falling into each other under the stars. Jane felt like she was floating away, like if she opened her eyes she’d look down and see the earth miles below.

Jane gasped as she felt their tongues meet, dancing on the border between their mouths, the wildfire in her body burning hot as she reveled in the sensation. Jane moved one hand south, tracing the silhouette of Audrey’s body until it rested on her sister’s waist, a moan escaping from her throat as Audrey bit her lip.

Jane felt her heart pounding as Audrey pulled her back around the car to the backseat, giggling as they stumbled, lips never parting.

And for the first time in her life, Jane didn’t feel scared.

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: Songbird
August 22, 1977
Glenwood Springs, CO
1809 / 2992 mi

Sunlight streamed in through the window of the Impala, shining down onto the Evanses’ sleeping bodies, cradling the two of them in the cold light. Condensation gathered on the edges of the windshield from the night before. A bird flew overhead, chittering.

Audrey was the first to wake up, and as she opened her eyes, she felt like she was still dreaming. Because laid beside her was the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen, the one she had always known she could never have.

Jane looked so peaceful, her collarbones rising and falling with her breath, and Audrey traced a finger over her skin, flashes of the night before coming back to her in waves. She paled at the memory.

God, she needed to smoke.

Audrey felt around the seatwell for her clothes, eyes never leaving her sister. She sat up to put on her panties, and as she pushed herself up, every inch of skin that parted with her sister’s felt like it was her own coming off. Audrey grabbed her underwear and pants together, and as she lifted her hips to put them on she heard a noise coming from behind her.

“Hmm?” Jane murmured, eyes still closed, turning over on her side.

“Shhhhhhh,” Audrey soothed, brushing her hand over Jane’s skin, as she fingered around the floor of the car for her tank top, slipping it over her head once she found it.

She shifted over towards the door and took one last look at Jane, knowing it could be the last time she would ever see her sister like this. She soaked the image in, smiled sadly, and stood from the car, shutting the door behind her.

---------------------------

When Jane woke up, Audrey was gone.

Her eyes slid open to the bright light, wincing as she felt the seatbelt buckle poking into her skin. The birdsong from outside dug into her ears, almost obnoxiously alive as Jane pushed herself upright.

She checked her back where the seatbelt had been, feeling its imprint with her fingers. Jane reached around for her glasses, and it was only as she pushed aside her pants that everything really came back to her, barraging her brain with a flood of images.

Jane sat alone for a minute as she put on her clothes, trying to plan for the conversation that was bound to come, but her mind was too tired and too nervous to come up with anything meaningful, so she bit the bullet and headed outside.

The valley was breathtaking in the morning, rays of light breaking over the mountains onto the town below. The air was crisp, carrying the sounds of the city waking. A dry wind blew across the road.

Audrey sat a few feet down the hill, on the dusty ground by some bushes, her arms resting on her knees. She didn’t say anything, or even turn to look as Jane made her way down the hill and sat beside her.

“Hey,” Audrey said at last, squinting at the sunrise.

“Hey.”

Audrey gave her a quick glance before turning her gaze to the ground. “So how’d you sleep?” she asked, eyes still low, her face unreadable.

Jane snorted at the banality of the question, drawing Audrey’s gaze. “I slept good, yeah,” she said. “You?”

Audrey nodded. “Me too.” She cautiously scanned Jane’s face. “Um, how are you feeling?”

Jane thought. “I’m… I’m good. I— I had fun last night.”

Audrey’s face brightened, her lips breaking into a smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Audrey grinned at her, eyes warm. “I had fun too.” A wide smile bloomed on Jane’s face, matching her sister’s, and she was lulled into a trance, watching Audrey’s face in adoration.

“Do you wanna—” Audrey gestured to the ground beside her, and Jane eagerly slid over, their shoulders brushing together, and Audrey scooped up Jane’s hand in hers, fingers interlaced. Jane’s heart pumped excitedly in her chest, her stomach all butterflies, and she melted into Audrey, leaning her head on her sister’s shoulder. She was so warm, her skin so soft on Jane’s cheek. It had been too long since they were close like this.

Audrey reached over, tousling her sister’s hair, and Jane felt a surge of love in her heart. She pinched her thigh with her fingers, hard, until it hurt, but she never woke up.

“You’re not dreaming,” Audrey said, brushing Jane’s hair out of her face. “If that’s what you were trying to do.”

Jane blushed. “How’d you notice that?” she asked, pushing her glasses up onto her nose. She thought she had been subtle about it. Audrey grinned, rolling her eyes away abashedly.

“I notice a lot about you, Jane,” her sister said, shrugging. “Actually, sometimes you’re all I think about.” Jane looked down, her face bright red, every part of her body suddenly turned jelly. She knew she should say something, but she felt too weak to speak.

“Oh,” Jane said in a high voice, and she heard Audrey laugh beside her.

“Sorry, that’s sappy,” Audrey said, running her thumb over Jane’s index finger. “But it’s true.”

Jane nodded, her stomach doing flips.

“Aaaaaaaaand,” Audrey continued, poking her sister in the nose. “It meant that I noticed when you kept blushing every time you were close to me.”

Jane hid her face in her hands, fingers slipping free of Audrey’s. “Oh god.” Audrey rubbed her back gently, and Jane could see her grin through the cracks between her fingers.

“There, there,” Audrey teased, and Jane turned, burying her face in her sister’s shoulder, feeling herself captured in an embrace. “It was really cute.”

“So you knew.”

“Well, I guessed,” Audrey said, leaning back on her hands. “I’m just glad I was right.”

“I’m glad too,” Jane beamed up at her, and Audrey couldn’t help but return a smile as Jane shifted closer again, melting into her sister. Audrey wrapped an arm around Jane, planting a kiss on her head that tingled in a funny way.

Birds chirped in the bushes around them as Jane soaked into her sister, letting Audrey’s warmth flow through her. Jane could have stayed for hours like that, head on her sister’s chest, listening to her breathing. Her eyes fluttered to a close, taking all of it in.

It was so surreal. It felt like the moment should be dissolving like the end to a very nice dream, but it never did. Jane felt the wind brush between her and her sister, tickling her arms, and she smiled wide into the fabric of Audrey’s tank top. This was real.

“Jane?” Audrey asked, stroking her hair.

Jane opened one eye. “Mhm?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t make you feel this way, did I? Or make you do this?”

Jane shook her head, closing her eyes again.

“Because I love you so much, and I don’t want to hurt—.”

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“I know, but I don’t…” Audrey said, her voice tight in her throat. “I don’t want to have this if it doesn’t make you happy, if it’s not what’s good for you—”

Jane kissed Audrey, her sister’s mouth suddenly quieted under her own. Audrey’s lips were drier than yesterday, but Jane didn’t mind it at all, drawing back with a blissful smile.

“You didn’t hurt me, okay?” Jane assured Audrey, seeing her look of concern begin to ease. “And I don’t regret it.” Audrey nodded. “Not at all.”

Audrey nodded again, letting a faint smile creep onto her face, and Jane beamed, leaning in to kiss her again, and they sat there, lips locked, reveling in the beauty of it all, minds and bodies turned only towards each other.

It was a minute or two before they were startled by a car passing on the road above. Jane drew back, eyes scanning the road, but there was no way anyone could have seen. Audrey watched her, love in her eyes, and grabbed Jane by the shirt, pulling her back in.

“Wait.” Jane said suddenly, bracing a hand against Audrey’s chest. Audrey watched her, brows low in concern. Jane shrugged and ducked in for a peck anyway, leaving Audrey with a confused smile. “We should get back and feed Jack.”

“Jack!” Audrey remembered. “Aw, poor thing. He’s been there all alone.”

“Also I should shower and change,” Jane added, and Audrey gave her a knowing smile.

“Yeah, me too,” Audrey said, and they exchanged glances, each aware of what the other was thinking.

Without a word Audrey pushed herself to her feet, brushing the sand from her jeans, and Jane followed her back to the car, wiping the dust off her own clothes. She eyed the hood of the car and smiled.

The car was warm when they got back inside, filled with a faint jingle as Audrey pulled the keys from her pocket.

“Jane,” Audrey said as she set the keys on the center console. “I…” she trailed off, taking a deep breath. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“No, but I really love you,” Audrey continued, her words quick and gentle. “As a sister, of course, but I’m in love with you, and I have been for so long, for so so many years.” Jane’s eyes widened, the butterflies in her stomach kicked up in a frenzy. “And I’m so sorry I stopped talking to you, I was… I was so scared once I realized how I felt, and I didn’t know what to do, so I promised myself I’d stop being near you, because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Jane placed her hand over Audrey’s, taking it in hers. Audrey looked up briefly as their hands met, then back down at her lap.

“And that was so unfair to you, I… I had no idea what to do with how I felt, and so I ran away.” Audrey looked up, locking eyes with Jane. “And I’m really sorry.”

“I understand,” Jane assured her, soothing her sister’s hand with her thumb. “I forgive you.” Audrey nodded nervously, and Jane smiled as something occurred to her. “We could have saved a lot of time.”

Audrey snorted, wiping her glassy eyes. “We could have.”

“I love you, Audrey,” Jane said, and she meant it in every way.

Her sister smiled, eyes twinkling with the sunrise as she started up the old Impala.

“I love you too.”