Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“One week. One week! And I won’t have to see your gushy faces every morning.” Betsy said the second she walked out of her room only to find her mum and Carla kissing in the kitchen, Carla with her fingers in her mum’s hair, her mum with her hand on Carla’s waist. It was thankfully very PG, but it was typically the first thing she saw when she walked out of her room. 

“You’re gonna miss us.” Lisa said. She had to believe it for her own sanity. She couldn’t imagine Betsy being one of those kids who got a little taste of freedom and then only ever came back for Christmas. 

“I very much doubt that.” Betsy said as she sat at the table, her breakfast set down in front of her. “Thanks. I might miss you a little bit.” 

Lisa smiled. That’s all she needed. For a teenager to admit she’d miss her parents, the words had to be filled with nothing but truth.

It had been a long week of building a case against this predator, but they were nearly there. The woman he’d hurt was terrified of him coming back, so naturally, Lisa felt compelled to protect her and ensure she was being truthful when she told the woman he wouldn’t hurt her again. So, Lisa took it upon herself to follow him. She’d been on his tail for the better half of the past two days and sometimes she couldn’t get over how oblivious people were. How had he not noticed her? Or did he just not care? Lisa looked at the factory from where she was parked. Carla was in there. Probably yelling at her employees. Lisa cracked a smile. She’d give anything to be in there with her. 

She sighed and turned her attention back to the alley and realised that in the time she spent daydreaming about Carla, he’d somehow managed to meet a woman in the alley and began kissing her behind the dumpster. No. Lisa got out of her car and went straight to him. How did predators always manage to smooth talk their way to being close to unsuspecting women? “Hey. What do you think you’re doing?” 

“Hello, officer. It’s a nice day, innit?” 

Lisa turned to the woman. “Do you know this man is on bail, awaiting trial for rape?” 

“Oh. Erm… I don’t know what this is..." She motioned back and forth between him and Lisa. "...but I should go.” 

“Yeah. Probably wise.” Lisa said. She watched the woman scurry off and when she turned back, she didn’t even have time to react, and he pinned her against the wall, his arm across her neck. 

“How dare you.” He said with nothing but hate in his eyes. She knew what came next and she fought like hell. 

The more she fought, the more strength he seemed to find, never allowing her to overpower him for a second. Lisa was strong, but he was simply stronger. 

Her body was sore everywhere and she managed to get to her feet so no one would see her on the ground. Luckily the dumpster had impeded the view of any passerbys seeing her in any sort of compromised state, or at least she hoped. No one had called for help, so it seemed likely she hadn’t been seen. It crossed her mind that she could keep it a secret. She could shake it off and continue on about her life as if nothing had happened and no one would ever find out. As long as she could keep her body hidden from Carla until the bruises she knew were forming had disappeared, it could work. It was a solid plan, and it ensured she’d be kept on the case and allowed to know exactly where they were when it came to putting him behind bars. As soon as she admitted what happened, they’d pull her from the case and withhold information from her. However, if she stayed on the case, she could never tell anyone what happened because it could compromise the trial. If she tried to hide it from everyone, it’d likely blow up in her face. Carla knew her too well. She’d know something was up, and Lisa couldn’t hide things from her even if she wanted to. She’d end up spilling her guts as soon as Carla asked her to. There was really only one way to get through. She pulled out her phone and leaned against the wall. “Carla.” She hated the emotions that found their way into her voice. “Carla. Can you come to the alley? I need to see you. It’s urgent. Please.”

“I’ll be right there, love. Is ever-” Lisa ended the call.

Lisa took several breaths and willed the emotions away. She couldn’t fall apart. She had to do this without anyone knowing how he’d completely destroyed her. She dialed 999. “Police please. I’d like to report a sexual assault.” She decided to take the path any other person would because she did not want to call her boss or Kit or anyone she worked with. At least she wouldn’t be the one who had to tell them. At least they all wouldn’t hear her voice over the radio admitting what had happened. If she reported it as a regular citizen, they’d send a Nightingale trained officer and… probably herself. She wondered if she’d get the call to respond to her own rape. She was on duty after all. She leaned against the wall and waited for someone to come and help her through this. The police got there before Carla did. Of course. She’d probably take a couple hours. That’s what she got for falling for a successful business woman. She loved that about Carla, but she wished when she desperately needed her to be there, she would have been able to sense it and drop everything for her. If Lisa had told Carla exactly why she needed her, she knew Carla would have been at her side in under five seconds, but she couldn’t get the words out. She didn’t want to worry her and be a burden, and be the reason Carla’s business went up in flames. It was best if Carla calmly wrapped up what she was doing and met Lisa in the alley when she had time.

“Lisa?” She heard her voice first. 

“We can’t let anyone through.” 

“Yeah, to hell with that. That’s my blooming girlfriend!” Carla moved past the officer who was eventually told to step aside. “Oh my god. Lisa.” Carla wrapped her arms around Lisa. “Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine. Just a little banged up is all.” Lisa tried to reassure. She couldn’t tell Carla. Not here. Not like this. She felt vulnerable enough as it was, and she needed to stand tall when she told Carla. She wanted to hold her head up and show it had no effect on her or her confidence or her ability to do her job. 

“We need to get you to St. Mathis hospital. I can give you a ride.” 

“Ta.” Lisa said. 

“Wait. St. Mathis hospital? I know what happens there. I was there. When-” Carla stopped suddenly when she realised she hadn’t told Lisa about it, and that it’d just happened to Lisa. “Lisa were you…” She covered her mouth at the realization. 

“I’m fine, Carla. Really.” 

Carla could see the pain. She could feel the pain. She knew the pain Lisa was in. That deep hurt, the violation, the feeling that it’d hurt that bad forever because the pain was so complete that it felt like a permanent part of her. She opened her arms for Lisa and Lisa fell into them. “I’m here.” 

Lisa pulled away from the hug and turned to the Nightingale officer. “Let’s get this done, shall we?” 

Carla climbed in the backseat with Lisa who stared straight ahead, her face made of stone. “It’s okay to be upset or cry or lash out, Lisa. You don’t have to be strong for me.” 

“I’m not trying to be anything.” Lisa said, so formally, devoid of any emotion. 

Carla placed a hand on Lisa’s shoulder and she could swear she felt her flinch, but maybe it was a dip in the road because her face didn’t budge. She was in awe that Lisa could hold her composure as long as she had. When it’d happened to her… No. She shut her mind down. She absolutely could not open that box any time soon. “We’re here.” 

Lisa got out of the car and marched right into the hospital. No fear. Probably rage. 

“Would you like your friend to stay in the waiting room?” The woman asked. 

It was the same woman who’d asked Carla. Carla had said yes. Or rather, Maria had offered before she answered. She hoped this woman wouldn’t let on that they knew each other. She’d made her feel so safe on that day. It was really the only reason she was able to get through that exam. Her voice was gentle, her touch was gentle, and Carla had needed it because she was fragile and broken. She gave so many assurances and asked before they did anything. She wished she could thank her, but this was about Lisa, not her. At least she knew Lisa would be taken care of if she didn’t allow her to stay with her for the exam. She wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. It was an invasive process and brought every memory back up. Things Lisa might not be ready for Carla to know. 

“Carla’s not a friend. She’s my partner.” 

“My apologies.”

“Well, and a friend. You can be friends with your partner, right?” Carla teased. She tried to ease a little bit of the tension. She may start crying herself if she didn’t, and she could not be there blubbering at Lisa’s side. That wasn’t helpful. She had to hold herself together and be who Lisa needed her to be. 

“I don’t mind if she stays or waits.” Lisa said, robotically. 

“I’ll stay.” Carla said. She knew what Lisa was about to go through and she knew what she would subsequently put herself through, but she knew Lisa would need someone she could trust in there. 

“Nothing here is going to happen without your consent.” 

“I’d hope not. Let’s get this over with.” She said. 

“Now, first…” 

“Please. I know how this works. Just give me the supplies.” Lisa said and held her hand out. 

"Well, did he have contact with-"

“-just give me all of them.” Lisa said and she shut herself in the restroom. She had held a few people’s hands through the exam, usually a result of being the first woman on the scene. The survivor would latch onto her and never let go. Lisa would always get attached to those cases, the ones where they had so much trust in her and only her. But as a result, she knew the steps she had to complete. She wanted to spare Carla from having to hear the questions that came with the specimen cups, so she cut her off and would decide if it applied once she was behind a closed door, finally alone for the first time. She had to remind herself that this was what she had to do to get justice.

At Lisa’s words, Carla squeezed her eyes shut and she tried to make her own face devoid of emotion like Lisa’s was. 

Lisa emerged in the hospital gown and took a seat on the exam table. “You’ll find bruises on my face, neck, my stomach, both wrists, and thighs, scrapes on my knees, chin, and elbows. You might find saliva on my mouth, ear, and neck. Ejaculate will likely be found on my thighs.” She fought with everything she had to hold it together. She had no idea how humiliated saying that would make her feel. But the humiliation did her no good. She had to press on. She didn’t dare look at Carla. She could tell she was on the verge by the sound of her breaths. She held her hand out and Carla stood by her side and held it. 

“You’re so brave, Lisa.” Carla said in a whisper. 

“Is it okay that I take pictures of the bruises on your face?” 

“Course.” Lisa stared in front of her. 

Carla watched and she could feel Lisa’s humiliation and pain. She was holding herself together, but Carla could hear the slight shake in her voice when she mentioned where he’d touched her. She was so strong for being able to do this. She didn’t even flinch or gag when someone touched her like… nope. Not now.

Lisa didn’t shed a single tear as the pictures were taken or the swabs. She let out a cough instead when the emotions threatened to take over. 

“Are you doing alright? Are you okay to continue?” She asked so softly.

Lisa nodded, giving permission to continue. “Course, sorry.” It was near impossible to hold it together the longer it took. This environment they’d created for her was so delicate, so safe. It only made Lisa want to cry more. They were probably used to people breaking down and sobbing, showing them how they felt on the inside, they’d made it feel like it would be okay if she did. If she shed a tear, if she flinched at her touch. It would be okay. They would wait for her to collect herself and feel ready to have that hand on her, the lens of the camera pointed at her bruises. The woman’s voice was gentle and showed genuine care. She had to have done this a million times, and yet Lisa felt like she was the only one that mattered. Like she had all the patience in the world and hadn’t been told to stop a million times before, to where by this point, she just wanted to get on with her day. 

Then Carla… she’d also displayed all the patience in the world with her. She didn’t try to tell her it’d be okay, or to hurry or try to say too much at all. That was rare for Carla. She was just there to hold her hand when Lisa needed it. She wasn’t overly affectionate or touching her too much. She could tell Carla knew this was going to change their lives as they knew it, and the only message Carla conveyed was, ‘I’m here for you. Through it all.’ 

“We can prescribe the morning after pill and an antiretroviral. We will also run an STD panel.”

“-I know. Yes. I would like everything.” 

“Have you had consensual sex with anyone in the past seven days?”

“Yes. With Carla.” 

“Later, someone will collect a sample of your DNA for exclusion.”

“Course. Anything.” Carla said. 

“Did you bring a change of clothes?”

“No.”

“I’ll grab you something you can wear home.”

Lisa nodded and was left alone in the room with Carla.

“Oh.” Carla reached into her purse. “I nicked these from the factory before I left. You know, for… well, it’s better than nothing, right?” Carla handed over a pair of knickers that were made of lace. She hadn’t planned for them to be used in such a bleak situation, actually quite the opposite. She slipped them into her purse imagining what Lisa would look like in them… with them around her ankles. She mourned the way the night could have played out. Instead, they’d be the pair she wore home from the hospital after being raped. Hardly romantic, and Lisa would probably never want to so much as look at them again.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.” Carla said. She didn’t know how to communicate with Lisa. She acted like she was at a tax appointment. Just the facts. No emotions, no extra details. She could see the little cracks, things that were only subtle enough for her to notice, like the way she occasionally looked at the ceiling and blinked, or her face twinged. The emotions were there, Lisa was just in control of them, forcing them to remain hidden.

The nurse returned with a sweatshirt and sweats along with a med cup and water. Lisa downed the meds in a hurry. 

“Hi, Lisa. I’m with the counseling-”

“I’m all good.” 

“Lisa…” Carla said. 

“If you change your mind at any time, go ahead and give us a call.”

Carla held her hand out and took the card. She tucked it safely away, knowing she would do her best to convince Lisa to go sooner, rather than later. 

Lisa nodded and shut herself in the restroom with the change of clothes. 

“I’ll try and get her to call.” Carla said.

“It’s more helpful than she knows.”

“I know.” She nodded. She knew more than that woman would ever know.

Lisa emerged in all grey sweats. “I look like I just escaped the mental hospital, the way my clothes look.” She wrapped her arms around herself. 

“Here.” Carla said and took off her long coat and handed it to Lisa. 

“It was just a joke.”

“I know. Here.” 

Lisa accepted the coat. “Thanks, Carla.”

“I just want to make sure you’re taken care of.” If it would give Lisa a shred more confidence or make her feel the slightest bit better, Carla would trade outfits with her. Yes. Her. Carla Connor, would wear light grey sweats and a light grey sweatshirt, while Lisa wore designer clothes. Luckily, it didn’t come to that. A jacket was sufficient.

“I never doubted I would be.” 

The nightingale officer rejoined the room and Lisa turned to her. 

“I want to give my statement now.” She said. She had to do this while she was still holding it together. 

Carla let out a burst of air through her nose. This was too familiar. 

“What’s funny, Carla?”

“It’s not funny. You just- reminded me of something I once did.”

“Something you once did? Like, giving a statement to the police. So funny. Hilarious. Have you ever been raped, Carla?”

Carla inhaled and looked down, unable to face her girlfriend in that moment. 

“If you had, you wouldn’t be laughing.”

Carla looked back up, biting her tongue as hard as she could, the tears coming to her eyes. She nodded. This wasn’t Lisa. She’d shoved her emotions so far down that she’d shoved her entire self down as well. That comment had hurt in several ways. For one, it had brought back in high definition technicolor, what she had been through. One of the most, if not the most traumatising experiences in her life played over, her back against the door, then on the floor. Telling him “no” but not able to say or do much more than that. The humiliation that followed with knowing she’d let that happen. She knew it wasn’t her fault, but she didn’t feel that way for a long time. The comment also hurt her because it meant she was making the process harder on Lisa, and that was exactly what she had been trying to prevent. But this wasn’t her. That cruel comment had come from a place of pain and trauma, not from Lisa’s heart. She just needed to get Lisa through the next couple of weeks and she would have a chance at getting her girlfriend back. 

Chapter Text

Lisa remained emotionless as they drove to the station, and once they got there, Carla was directed to wait in a separate area, and she sat with her elbows on her knees on a hard chair and finally allowed her own tears to fall. How could anyone do that to Lisa? She was the nicest, most considerate person and had the biggest heart of anyone Carla had ever known. How could they live with themselves? She couldn’t understand how a person could be so cruel and heartless to hurt Lisa, be aware of the fact that they were hurting her, and have it in them to continue. Then, actually enjoy it. Lisa didn’t deserve this. No one did, but especially not Lisa. How did this happen?

Carla allowed herself to finally acknowledge the fact that seeing Lisa going through this was going to bring back a lot of things Carla had trained her mind to not bring up. She just hoped she could handle it and be a better help to Lisa than her own support was. Carla couldn’t run off and get drunk whenever they got bad news or Lisa was having an especially bad day. She couldn’t beat up the man who did this, even if she wanted to more than anything. She knew how unhelpful doing that was, and she had to do better.

It took hours. She was unfortunately familiar with the process enough to know it would. But every minute that crept by meant a new thought in Carla’s mind. About Lisa. About Frank. About court. About Peter. About Maria. About Betsy. About the exam. About everything being unknown for the foreseeable. 

Carla’s tears had run their course and she had let the worry sink in. What if Lisa stayed this closed off with her emotions forever, and was quick to anger all the time? Carla had to know what her limit was, when she needed to call time on their relationship. She hoped it wouldn’t come to that. But there was really no persuading DS Swain to do something she didn’t want to. If she stayed closed off forever, that was no relationship. If she didn't get help and deal with it, there wasn't much Carla could do about it. 

Carla stood as soon as she saw her girlfriend walk towards her. “You okay?” 

Lisa nodded. Her eyes were set on something in the distance, but Carla could tell she’d got through the interview without crying. She couldn’t say she wasn’t impressed. 

“I can give you a lift home.” The nightingale officer said. 

Carla took Lisa’s hand and they got into the car. Carla watched Lisa as her face remained still. “It’s okay if you wanna cry or show any kind of emotion, Lisa. You’re allowed.” 

“That wouldn’t do anyone any good, now would it?” 

“It might do you some good.”

“It wouldn’t.” Lisa’s face was made of stone. 

Carla ran her hand down Lisa’s head and down her arm. She barely got past her shoulder when Lisa pulled away. Carla did her best to hold back her own tears. She couldn’t help but wonder if that was how it was going to be for the rest of her life, or the next several weeks or months or… how long until she had Lisa back? How long until Lisa would stop pushing her away? Lisa didn’t understand how painful it was to be pushed away during this. She didn’t understand how hard it was to watch her shove her emotions down and pretend she was okay, knowing Lisa would feel better if she allowed herself to express those emotions. 

The car pulled up in front of their building and the second it came to a stop, Lisa immediately jumped out. 

“Lisa.” Carla chased her up the stairs to the flat and Lisa flung the door open. 

Carla followed her in, and once they were both inside, Lisa slammed the door shut behind them. Her back pressed against the door and the tears immediately falling as she covered her mouth.

“Oh. Come here. Come here.” Carla reached out and wrapped her arms around Lisa. Her heart shattered. Lisa sobbed hard in her arms, all those built up emotions flowing out of her. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Let it out.” She said and held Lisa as they slid to the ground. She hated that she’d been waiting for this reaction because as soon as she was in it, her heart couldn’t bear it. It was one step closer to Lisa healing, but she wished it wasn’t part of it. 

Lisa grasped Carla’s arm, holding onto her for dear life. She finally let the dam break and there was no bringing it back in any time soon. That was exactly why she wanted to give her statement that same day. She couldn’t imagine having to pull herself together and trying to recount the details on camera after this. No one else could see her in this state, not ever. 

Carla held Lisa and feared the tears would never end. They’d been there for several long minutes and Carla didn’t know how much of this she could take. How many days of Lisa in bits over this would it take to break Carla? 

Finally, Lisa’s sobs turned to silent tears and she lifted her head from Carla’s shoulder, a giant wet spot on Carla’s shirt where Lisa’s tears had landed. “Sorry.”

Carla tucked Lisa’s hair behind her ear and searched for her eyes. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for, love.”

Lisa felt the lump in the back of her throat and found it hard to breathe. 

“Would you like to move to the sofa?”

“I reckon I could use a shower.”

“Okay. I’m here if you need anything.” 

Lisa stood from the floor. “Oh. Erm, Betsy.”

“I’ll give her a call.”

“NO. No, please. She can’t find out.”

“Darling. She’ll know.”

“Not if I could help it.”

“What about the trial?”

“They have to arrest him for there to be a trial.”

“They will. Okay?”

Lisa nodded. “Please don’t tell her.”

“It’s not my place.”

“Thank you.” Lisa said and she disappeared to the bathroom. 

Carla sat on the sofa, trying to wrap her mind around everything that’d happened over the course of the day. Then, the door rattled and Betsy walked in.

“Hiya. My mum here?”

“Yeah. She’s having a wash. Did you need summat?”

“My friend invited a couple of us to stay the night…”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

“Really? My mum…”

“I’ll talk to her. You go on, have fun.”

“You’re the best.”

Carla tried as hard as she could to smile, but her cheeks felt like they were made of lead, impossible to lift. 

Betsy left the flat moments later and Carla put a kettle on, knowing Lisa would soon be out. But, when the kettle was through and Lisa still wasn’t out… 

Carla knocked on the door. “Lisa, you alright in there?” She listened for a response. “Lisa?” Nothing. “Lisa, I’m coming in.” Carla said, and she didn’t receive an objection so she opened the door and her stomach dropped. “Lisa. Honey.” She kneeled down by Lisa who was completely dry, curled up on the floor, every bruise on her body visible. 

“Sorry.” She said between sobs.

“Don’t be. You’re alright.” Carla held her for a moment before she pulled away and Carla let her. “Let’s get you dressed.”

“I need to shower. I need to. Sorry. Sorry, I just- I saw my body in the mirror and- It all just came back. I guess it was all a bit overwhelming. Sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

Lisa stood on shaky legs and opened the shower door. “Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” 

More tears fell from Lisa’s eyes and she turned to face her girlfriend. “How do I get through this, Carla?”

“You take it one second at a time. You ask for help when you need it. We do this together.”

Lisa nodded and stepped in the shower. 

“I’ll be right outside.”

Carla made her way outside of the bathroom, but she couldn’t bring herself to go far in case Lisa needed her. She knew the fear, especially when he wasn’t behind bars, and as far as they knew, they had no idea where the man who’d assaulted Lisa had run off to. Lisa was not the type who scared easily, but Carla knew she was scared now. 

Lisa had protected Carla from harm several times, and the one time Lisa needed her, Carla hadn’t been there to do the same for her. However, if he returned, he’d have to answer to Carla, and she’d stop at nothing to prevent him from hurting her again. 

She stepped away from the door when Lisa emerged in a dressing gown. “Hey.”

“Where’s Betsy? She should’ve been home by now.”

“Oh, I told her she could stay at her mate’s.”

“You what?”

“Yeah. It’s what’s best, right?”

“I’ve just been attacked, Carla! He’s still out there. I want my girls with me.” 

“Okay. I understand, but you also said you didn’t want Betsy to find out. If there’s any way you’re going to keep this a secret from her, she can’t see you in this state. So which is more important? I can ring her right now.” 

“Obviously her safety is most important. But… she’s probably safer at a mate’s than she would be here. I’m the one he’d be after.” Lisa took a seat on the sofa and Carla joined her. 

Carla could see Lisa was trying to convince herself that she’d be better off not being with her. It only showed her how scared Lisa was to tell Betsy. The shame she carried. “You know none of this is your fault, right?” 

“I know, Carla. I’ve said the same thing to other women before.” 

“That doesn’t mean-” Carla placed her hand on Lisa’s arm and Lisa flinched. “Sorry.” 

“No. I’m sorry.” 

“Would you like tea? I put a kettle on earlier.”

“No, ta.”

Carla put her own hands in her lap and watched Lisa. “You’ll get through this.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“Actually, I do.”

“And what makes you the expert?” 

Carla gave a pained smile. “Nothing. I just know you. You’re tough. A lot tougher than that weak man.”

“It didn’t feel that way earlier.”

“Earlier, he was showing you just how weak and pathetic he is.”

Lisa shook her head. “You know, I’m shattered. I think I’ll just head to bed.”

Carla nodded. “I’ll be right behind you.” She remained on the sofa, and her tears fell. She could never seem to stop them. The lump in her throat hadn’t gone away since she’d seen her in that alley and she didn’t expect it to go away any time soon. It was too familiar. Carla knew the fear, she knew the impact something like this would have. She dreaded the next several weeks, but she had to pull it together for Lisa. She kept reminding herself of that, as if it’d make it all any easier, like she could dissociate until she pulled Lisa through it and her past concerning the particular trauma wouldn’t be an issue. As it was, she only knew where her bruises were and where his mouth touched, and she could only imagine how difficult it would be to hear details if Lisa started sharing them. 

Carla took a deep breath and pulled herself off the sofa and headed to her bedroom. When she cracked the door open, she could hear Lisa’s sobs and Carla closed her eyes, holding her own back. She crawled into bed next to Lisa. “Hey.” She resisted the urge to wrap her arms around her. “Come here.” She said and reached out for Lisa without touching her, but Lisa didn’t move. “Can I hold you, love?” She waited for a response and saw a slight nod of Lisa’s head and she scooted up behind her and wrapped her arms around Lisa. “It’s gonna be alright.” 

Chapter Text

The next morning, Lisa got up early and showered, not having slept for the majority of the night. Carla went to the kitchen and attempted breakfast, but the food tasted no better than tolerable. 

“Here. It’s the thought that counts, right?” Carla said and dropped the plate in front of Lisa when she emerged in her dressing gown. 

“Thanks.” Lisa poked it with her fork and took a bite. 

“Oh, come on. You don’t have to eat it. You’ve suffered enough already.”

“No, it’s not bad.”

“Are you trying to be funny?” Carla asked with her hands on her hips.

“No, seriously. I guess… Well, I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday morning… maybe that’s all.”

“That or you’ve somehow managed to fry all your taste buds.” Carla laughed. It was refreshing to feel helpful and to actually have someone not be repulsed by her cooking for once. 

“Maybe that’s it.” Lisa smiled. For the first time, she finished a meal that Carla had cooked. Mostly, because Carla never cooked or she’d distract her before they even got to the meal. 

The buzzer rang and Lisa jumped, then stood up, her hands in ready position as if someone were to come in and attack her. She debated grabbing a knife, but with his strength, it’d only be turned on her. 

Carla picked up the phone. “Hi. Would you hold on one moment?” Carla moved the phone away from her ear. “It’s the police. They have some sorta follow up questions about your case.” 

Lisa shook her head. “Tell them I’ve just hopped in the shower, and to come back in an hour.” 

Carla nodded and held the phone back up. “Sorry. She just stepped into the shower. Could you try again in an hour? Great. See you then.” Carla turned back around and Lisa was gone. She sighed and cleaned up her dish before she knocked on her bedroom door. “Knock knock.” 

“You can come in.” Lisa tucked her blouse into her slacks and then placed a jacket over it. She looked as if she was about to clock into work. Carla couldn’t see any remnants of the woman who was sobbing on the floor in her arms only the night before. Lisa stood with her back straight and head held high. 

“Hiya. You’re all dressed up.” 

“We’re having company. I wanted to look presentable.” She twisted her hair around and secured it in a tight bun. 

“You always look radiant.” Carla said and she was ready to follow it up with a kiss, but she stopped herself. It’d all felt so normal… as if she were about to send her girlfriend off to work and spend the day thinking about her in her cute little copper outfit, hoping she’d be the one to take it off her that night… until she remembered. 

Lisa went to the bathroom and applied her makeup as Carla watched, not even talking, just admiring her. Admiring that she was actually in a relationship with not just a woman, but Lisa Swain. She was the one who got to love her through the good times and bad. She was the one Lisa trusted to hold her during her lowest and the one Lisa wanted to celebrate her biggest accomplishments with. Even though this was one of the lowest points of their lives, Carla still got to love Lisa through it. She was so lucky. 

Lisa walked past Carla and made herself a brew and sat at the table just in time for the buzzer to ring again. 

Carla went to the phone. “You ready?”

“Send them in.” 

Carla picked up the phone. “Come on up.” She buzzed them through and opened the door. 

Lisa stood the moment they walked in and tugged at the bottom of her blazer. “Good morning.”

“How are you holding up, DS Swain?” 

“Just waiting for you lot to come to your senses and let me come back to work.”

“You’re too strong, Swain.” 

Carla couldn’t help but agree, but not in the way the officer meant. She hated that Lisa had to put on this façade to be considered strong. That wasn’t the strong part. Showing her vulnerability was strong. Surviving was strong. Going through something that hurt as deeply as it had, and having the guts to lay her head on Carla’s shoulder and accept her help, trust her, and allow Carla to see how much it’d hurt her, how weak he’d made her feel, and how much he’d actually taken, and then lift her head and keep going. Keep trusting. Keep getting out of bed. Keep acknowledging that she needed help. Keep allowing Carla in. And keep getting through each day. That was strong. 

“Would you like a brew?” 

“No, ta.” 

Then all eyes turned to Carla. “I will be in the bedroom if anyone needs me.” She said and she slipped into the other room. 

“What do you need from me?” 

“We’d just like to go over a few of the details.” 

“Are you questioning the accuracy of my previous statement?” 

“You know how this works. Now. You were investigating a rape in which Graham Morris was the accused?” 

“Are you trying to make this out to be my fault?” 

“No. Not at all. We only need to know what you were doing in the area.”

“I told you. I was going to the factory. I thought I’d surprise my partner by taking her to lunch on my break. Just before I was about to clock off, I saw him in the alley with a young woman. I believed her to be in danger and approached. She ran off.” She said in a very matter of fact manner. She said it as if she were testifying at someone else’s trial. Like it hadn’t been what led up to one of the worst memories of her life. 

"Do you feel as if he would have done it, had you not interrupted this interaction?"

"I feel he would've hurt someone, whether that person was me or not, I couldn't say."

There were a few more questions, each of them equally insulting and clearly questioning Lisa’s previous account of events. They wanted her to slip up so he could walk free. 

“I told you already!” Lisa raised her voice just enough, and if she was right… yup. Carla walked out of the bedroom. 

“Sorry. Needed a bit of coffee. Can’t run a knicker factory without coffee, right?” She laughed and made eye contact with Lisa, checking if she was alright and needed her to throw these people out. 

“I think that’s all we needed. We’ll be in touch. Take care.” 

Lisa was ready to rip the mask off and fall apart again, but when they stepped out of the door, Betsy walked in. 

“What’re they doing here?” Betsy stretched and held her head. 

“Just work.” 

“Police business. They couldn’t even tell me.” Carla said. 

“You know what? I’m going to have a wash. Good to have you back home.” She gave Betsy a hug and kissed her head. She couldn’t hold the tears back if she looked at her beautiful perfect daughter much longer and she darted to the bathroom. 

Betsy went to her room and Carla followed Lisa, walking into the bathroom even though she heard the shower running, since Lisa had showered in the morning. Carla had assumed it was a lie so she could have a good cry without Betsy hearing or seeing. She opened the door and Lisa darted away, covering herself though she had just been about to pull her top off. 

“Oh. Sorry. Sorry.” Carla said. 

“Carla!” Lisa relaxed a bit. 

Carla was halfway back out the door, but she stopped when Lisa calmed and decided to explain herself. “Sorry. I thought you were lying since you washed this morning.” 

“I didn’t get clean.” She said. “Can I have some privacy?” 

“Course. Sorry.” Carla closed the door on her way out. She made her way to the kitchen and threw an assortment of ingredients into the blender and poured it into a glass before she knocked on Betsy’s door. 

“Come in.”

“One hangover cure.” Carla said and handed Betsy the smoothie. 

“Is it that obvious?” Betsy cringed. 

“Well, you’re looking at an expert here.” 

“My mum is gonna be so pissed.”

“If she is, it’s only because she loves you.”

Betsy only rolled her eyes.

Lisa stepped out of the shower, the towel wrapped around her shoulders, trying to shield herself from having to look at the damage on her body. The damage that was still there, that he’d inflicted. She could feel his hand crawling all over her and she wanted to jump back in the shower and wash it away, but she knew she’d just done that and she was already going to receive questions from Carla about showering twice in one day. Though, if there was one person that she’d let in on the fact that she wasn’t handling it very well at all, it’d be Carla. Carla would keep her secret and do everything to help her through because that’s what they did for each other.

“You gonna hide out here all day?” Carla asked, joining Lisa who sat on her bed in her dressing gown. 

“Planning on it.” 

“You should tell Betsy. She’ll be worried.”

Lisa shook her head. “Don’t you dare tell her behind my back. I know that’s your specialty.” 

Carla took a breath. This wasn’t Lisa. This was the trauma. Lisa never ever brought up the past like that. “It’s not my place. I just think it’d be easier for you, if-”

“How do you reckon it’d be easier for me? To have my daughter know I was powerless to stop him from pushing me against that wall, nearly strangling me to death, and then shoving me to the ground and forcing himself on me.” She said in an angry whisper. “How would her knowing that, benefit me at all?” 

Carla stared at the pillow on the bed, but her mind replayed being pushed up against the door, fighting him, his fingers tight around her throat, and then shoved onto the floor and feeling so broken by the end of it. That’s how Lisa felt now. Carla hadn’t wanted anyone to know either, but if she wanted him to pay, she hadn’t had much of a choice. She wanted to tell Lisa she knew what she was feeling, how difficult it all felt, but the way Lisa snapped at her in the hospital made her think Lisa was capable of throwing it back in her face and she didn’t need any more obstacles in helping her through this. She wanted to get through this with her, and not allow it to tear them apart. She had tears in her eyes, and she hoped Lisa had been too in her head to notice because she didn’t want Lisa thinking the tears were about her, that she couldn't handle the details because she knew she could handle anything. 

“No answer. That’s what I thought.” 

“You take away his power when you tell other people. I’m not saying that you have to let her in on any details, but I think you should at least tell her you were raped.”

“I’m starting to think it was a mistake telling you.” Lisa glared. 

“I wish you could see how strong you are for telling me, for telling the police, the nurse. I know it’s difficult to face people who know…”

“Stop talking like you have any idea what this is like, Carla.” 

“You’re forgetting, I’m sorta an expert on trauma.” 

“This is a little different than being kidnapped.”

Carla nodded. Of course it was. She knew exactly how different the two were because she’d been through them both. She wished Lisa could see she knew what she was talking about without Carla having to tell her she’d been there. If Carla had had someone like herself, saying the things she was saying to Lisa, it would’ve made it a little easier on her. But… Everyone responds differently and she had to keep that in mind. “I know, love. I just want to help.”

“Well unless you can make this all go away, there’s not much you can do to help.” 

“If I could, I would. But I am here to help you through it, with whatever you need. Just name it.”

“Can you get Betsy out of the flat?” 

No. Not without it being extremely suspicious. “Course. Whatever you need.” She held Lisa’s hand and squeezed it before she got off the bed. 

Carla made her way to Betsy’s room and knocked on the door, stepping inside the second Betsy gave her permission. “Hiya. Whatcha doing?”

“Whatever was in that drink worked wonders.”

Carla let out a chuckle. “Yeah. I’ve been there a time or two.” She said. “But you know the best hangover cure? Roy’s bacon butty’s, a cup of coffee, and doing it allll over again.” 

“Are you encouraging me to get drunk?” 

“No. I’m just… sharing my experience.” 

“You’re the best! I’ll be back tomorrow!” Betsy said without a moment of hesitation. “Bye mum!” She said, popping her head into the room and then leaving. 

Carla hoped she wasn’t putting Betsy at risk for harm, but she was a teenager, she’d be out there doing all that regardless. Especially once she left in a few days. It certainly wasn’t the first time she’d gotten blathered. But Lisa wanted her privacy, and Carla would do anything to make it easier on her. But she did need to convince Lisa it was in her best interest to talk to Betsy before she turned her into an alcoholic. 

“She’s gone.”

The tears fell from Lisa’s eyes. “Thank you, Carla.” 

Carla moved to the bed and wrapped Lisa in her arms.

“It looks like there’s a problem at the factory. Do you mind if I nip out for a bit? I’ll bring you a kebab.” 

Lisa nodded. “I’m fine. I’m not some fragile little kid. The only reason I’m not at work myself is because they won’t let me.”

“I’m really sorry, love. It’ll only take a second.”

“Make sure you bring me back that kebab.”

Carla nodded and wrapped her arm around Lisa. “Take care.” She said, and then she was gone. 

Lisa’s heart broke the second she heard the door close. Carla never ever left without giving her a kiss. Carla would chase her down the stairs and all the way to work if Lisa accidentally left without giving her a kiss, or if too much time had passed after the last one. They hadn’t kissed since that day. Carla hadn’t brought her lips anywhere near her. Lisa couldn’t say she blamed her. She was disgusting. His hands had touched her in places that she only wanted Carla to touch, but now Carla didn’t want to. He’d claimed her. He’d left his saliva behind on her lips, why would Carla want to put her lips there? It didn’t matter how many times she showered or rinsed her mouth out, or scrubbed her lips, she couldn’t get him off of her. Her skin couldn’t stop crawling, and of course Carla wouldn’t want to contaminate herself with her. The tears took over again and she jumped into the shower, trying to finally get clean. Make herself clean enough for Carla, if that was even possible. This was going to taint her forever. None of it was fair to Carla. She shouldn’t have to deal with it. She shouldn’t have to put up with how weak Lisa was. She was weak when she couldn’t stop him, and weak when she cried over it. Weak when she hid in the flat. Weak when she couldn’t scrub him off of her. Weak when she laid awake in bed at night. Weak when she slid the chain on her door. She was the one who was supposed to be the protector, and she couldn’t even protect herself.

The door rattled and Lisa jumped, turning to the door. It opened, but was stopped by the chain. 

“Hiya Lisa, it’s me.” Carla said. “Can you let me in?”

Lisa stood from the sofa and unlocked the chain so Carla could walk in. 

“One kebab for the missus.” Carla held up the takeaway bag. 

“Ta.” Lisa said. She looked at Carla. It felt so weird to not receive a kiss from her the second she walked in. Was this the end? How did she ever expect to continue their relationship if Carla wouldn’t kiss her tainted lips? How would she ever expect her to touch areas he had- The bile filled her throat and she rushed to the bathroom. She felt the hair lift from her neck and a hand on her back. 

“It’s okay, darling. You’re gonna be okay.”

The tears fell down her face and the panic set in. “What if I’m pregnant?”

“That’s not why you’re sick, it’s too soon. But, if it did happen, we’d get through it.” Carla handed Lisa a towel. 

“How? How Carla?” 

“However you want. If you wanted a termination, I’d be there. If you wanted to carry, I’d support you.”

“I’m nearly 50, Carla. I’m in no fit state.”

“Let’s worry about that if it becomes an issue, eh? No point in catastrophizing.” Carla helped Lisa up off the floor and Lisa immediately brushed her teeth. 

“Ta.”

“No problem.” Carla said. She brought Lisa’s bangs behind her ear, showing her the most intimacy she could without doing anything that might upset her. 

Lisa looked into Carla’s eyes and she felt the love. She felt how close Carla wanted to be to her, and she hated that Carla felt the dirtiness of her body too, and wouldn’t get any closer. The tears came to her eyes and she walked out of the room. 

Carla momentarily threw her head back. Even that was triggering? What had this man done? Had he touched her hair? Carla would kill him if he’d touched Lisa’s hair. That was hers. For him to make that triggering took away so much of Carla’s ability to show her affection on a day to day basis. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I am.” 

“You’ve got naught to be sorry for. You got that?” 

Lisa sat back on the sofa and scratched her head. Of course she had something to be sorry for. She was sorry she wasn’t stronger and couldn’t pull herself together. She was sorry she was now tainted and Carla could barely touch her. She was sorry Carla was dragged into this and had to be the one to pick up the pieces. She was sorry she’d gotten them into this mess. Carla needed to know that.

Betsy returned to the flat the following day in the same state and Carla made her another smoothie, but she couldn’t keep doing it to her. She wanted to give Lisa the space she needed to heal and openly express her emotions, but she couldn’t do it at the expense of poor Betsy’s liver. 

Lisa hid out in the bedroom while Betsy was there, and she tried to keep up the act as if she was still going into work. If only she could manage to pull herself together and she could use the time off work to take a holiday with her family. When Carla told her that she couldn’t send her away again, she knew that was Carla’s way of telling her that she needed to get over it. Her time to mope around was up and she had to pull herself together. 

“Lisa, you don’t have to put on a brave face. Showing your emotions is far more brave than shoving them down.”

“Kind of you to say that.” Lisa said, in her work clothes and making breakfast. 

“I’m being honest.”

Betsy emerged and took a seat at the table. “What’s for breakfast?” 

“Oh, nothing special. Just eggs benedict.” Lisa said with a small smile. She was doing her best to keep up the act. 

“You work today?”

“All day.”

“Have you heard anything about that girl who was raped? Is that your case?”

Lisa swallowed hard. “Which-”

“She was like 17. I talked to her. We-”

Lisa shook her head. It was her case. Was. Until she became the victim. “We’re doing our best to put him behind bars. For now, steer clear of blonde men in their 40s.” 

“Oh, that’s very specific. Thank you so much.” Betsy said. 

Once Betsy finished her meal, Lisa sent her off, and then turned to Carla’s arms. “Honey. I think you should look into seeing a rape counsellor.”

Lisa pulled back and furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”

“I just think it would help. I can’t help but notice you’re putting on this front, but you’re not dealing with it!”

“How dare you, Carla. What do you know about what I’m dealing with?”

“Stop saying stuff like that!” Carla raised her voice and saw Lisa’s giant eyes looking at her. “I’m sorry. I just think you could use someone to talk to, that’s all.”

“Sorry, can I not talk to you?”

“Well you haven’t.”

“Really? Have you not been listening to me?”

“You have to talk about it. Process it. That means talking about the actual assault. I don’t think you’re prepared to do that with me any time soon.” 

“You wanna hear about the assault? What details do you want?”

“Lisa…”

“You wanna hear how he pinned me against the wall?” 

Carla closed her eyes. She could feel the door to her flat on her back, his hands pushing her against it, holding her there as she tried to move.

“Maybe you wanna hear about him ripping my knickers down?”

Carla could feel the ground on her back, his body over her, his breath on her face and hate in his eyes while his hand yanked at her knickers. “Stop. Lisa.” Carla pinched the bridge of her nose, the tears streaming down her face. “I’m sorry.” She thought she could handle it, and she probably could have, had she not experienced Lisa’s words in 4D when she said them. 

“That’s what I thought.” Lisa said. “I can talk about it just fine. You’re the one I’m protecting.”

“You’re not fine. You can’t be, after what you’ve just been through.” 

“I talk to you about what you can handle.”

“You don’t know what I can handle.”

“Should I go on? Tell you more details?”

“You should see a rape counsellor. Lisa, please.” 

“I’m fine, Carla. Really.”

“Then tell Betsy.”

“You know I can’t.”

“When you’re silent, he wins. The shame wins.”

Lisa shook her head. “Any mother would keep this from her daughter.”

“I just want you to be okay, Lisa.” Her eyes were full of tears. 

“I am, love.”

Betsy walked into the station. “Is my mum here?” She asked, seeing Kit as soon as she walked in. 

“No, she’s on leave. Can I help you with summat?”

“On leave?”

“Yeah, after the assault. She didn’t tell you?”

“Assault?” Betsy asked. 

“Is there summat I could help you with?”

Betsy shook her head. “I don’t think so.” She said, and she walked back back to the flat in a daze. 

Chapter Text

“Mum. What happened?” She barged in the flat and found her mum and Carla together on the sofa. 

“What’s the matter?” Lisa quickly shoved any emotions down and turned to Betsy. 

“What happened?”

“What are you talking about?”

“What’d you do today?”

“I went to work.” She lied. 

“I know you're lying to me!”

“Betsy… Why don’t you just calm down and tell us what’s happened.” Lisa’s heart nearly beat out of her chest. 

Betsy shook her head. “I know you didn’t go to work. I stopped by. Kit said you were on leave. Since the assault.”

Carla closed her eyes and turned away from Betsy. She ran her hand down Lisa’s back. “Now’s your chance.” She whispered. 

Lisa grasped Carla’s other hand. “Have a seat.” Lisa concentrated on Carla’s hand on her back. She ran her hand across her mouth and tried her hardest to get the words out. This was her baby girl. She couldn’t tell her this. She couldn’t say what he’d done, how he’d violated her body, in front of her daughter. It wasn’t right. She was meant to protect Betsy from these sorts of things, not bring them into her life. 

“She can handle it.” Carla whispered. 

“What’s going on?”

Lisa shook her head. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” She told Carla and stood up and closed herself in the bedroom. 

The tears came to Betsy’s eyes. “What’s happened?”

“Stay put. I’ll talk to her.” Carla said and she followed Lisa in the bedroom. She softly closed the door behind her. “Hiya.”

“I can’t.” Lisa choked out, the tears had already fallen down her face and she sat on the side of the bed. “I can’t tell her, Carla.” She closed her eyes and allowed Carla’s hand on her back to comfort her. “She’s my kid.”

“She’s hardly a kid.” Carla said. “I promise you, she could handle it.”

“She’ll be scared. If this could happen to me…”

“This can happen to anyone, Lisa. Every woman knows that.” She tried to look her in the eye, but Lisa kept her head down. Carla wiped Lisa’s tears. “Love, there’s no shame in what you’ve been through. It’s not your fault.”

“I know that. In theory.”

“Lisa, you’ve naught to be ashamed of.” Her heart broke seeing her girlfriend in so much pain and she understood that pain. She understood that shame, but for her, she hadn’t had a choice but to let everyone know. Peter had shouted it in the street, and even though she hated it at first, it helped her in the long run. Of course there were people who didn’t believe her, and she felt like the town gossip, but she received more support than she had ever expected. People like Hayley and Sean who would not have been on her list of people to confide in had stuck by her and were vocal in their support and had her back the entire time. Just having those people made all the difference when it felt like the world was against her. When she was in the factory or on the street, and if she saw those people, she knew they’d stand up for her. Of course, telling Betsy was a completely different battle, telling your daughter about something so personally angonising was probably the most difficult thing Lisa would ever do. But she couldn’t hide it from her. There was going to be an arrest and a trial. It was best Betsy found out from Lisa herself, in her words. 

“I can’t.”

“She needs to hear it. She’ll find out on her own otherwise.”

Lisa shook her head. “No.” 

“She will. If this goes to trial, or she can go and ask Kit. She already knows summat happened.” 

“I know. But I can’t tell her.”

“You have to try.” Carla said. “I’m sorry, love.”

“Why did this happen?” She said, a frown on her face and tears in her eyes. 

Carla shook her head. “I don’t know.” She wrapped her arms around Lisa and pulled her close. She could feel all her pain and she’d do anything to take it away. She knew that, had their timelines been reversed, and she was the one going through it now, Lisa would take away all the pain she possibly could, and she’d be far more helpful than Carla was. 

They walked out of the bedroom and Betsy sat on the chair, awaiting their return. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me. Mum?”

Lisa held onto Carla’s hand and took a seat on the sofa with her. She took a deep breath. “Betsy… summat happened the other day. On the job.” She shook her head. “It was stupid really.” She wondered if she could get away without telling the full story. But Carla was right. She was going to find out. An arrest was expected to come soon, and what would happen if Betsy was nearby and overheard them saying he was under arrest ‘for the rape of DS Swain.’ She looked at her daughter’s questioning face and the tears dripped from her cheeks. 

“It’s alright, love.” Carla encouraged. 

More tears fell and she closed her eyes, trying to say it. Maybe if she didn’t look at her face, she could get the words out. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She gasped for air and looked at Carla. 

“Mum. What’s happened? Just tell me.” She now had tears in her eyes. 

Lisa hated how she was the cause for her daughter’s pain. She needed to take it away, but what she had to say wasn’t going to do that. It would only add to her pain. She knew she had to tell her, but she wished she could dry the tears and tell her as she’d told everyone else, no emotions, just the facts. She didn’t want Betsy to see how much it was getting to her, but she could already see. She chewed on her lip and she looked at Carla who gave her a nod and held her hand. She looked back at Betsy who looked between her and Carla for answers and she opened her mouth again, but the words wouldn’t come out. 

“Breathe.” Carla said, and Lisa did just that. 

She looked down at her hand in Carla’s and focused on her breath going in and out of her body. She was still here. She was alive. This shouldn’t be a big deal. It was over. She was in her and her partner’s flat, holding Carla’s hand, and she was in bits. Why? She was fine. Lisa looked at her daughter’s terrified face, then to Carla’s calm one. They both waited for her to say the words. She opened her mouth again, and the lump in her throat tripled in size at the thought of telling Betsy. She physically couldn’t get the words out. She squeezed Carla’s hand and finally managed to get words out, though they weren’t the words everyone had been waiting on. “I can’t. Can you tell her?”

“Are you sure?”

Lisa nodded. If she couldn’t do it, Carla was the only option. She was sure it wouldn’t be easy for Carla to say either, but it was physically impossible for her to tell Betsy this. It went against everything she’d ever done as a parent. She forced herself to watch her daughter’s reaction. 

Carla scooted to the edge of the sofa, a hand in Lisa’s and her eyes on Betsy. “Betsy. Your mum was assaulted a few days ago.” She said gently, trying to keep her voice from shaking as the words sank in. This had actually happened, and Carla had to tell her girlfriend’s daughter the news. God, she could only imagine how hard it’d been for Lisa to tell Betsy when Becky had died. She didn’t have anyone else there to deliver the news. She would’ve had to speak through the tears and the giant lump in her throat, feeling all of the pain of losing her wife, and causing Betsy to feel the pain as soon as the words were out. Carla could picture it, she could hear Lisa’s voice in her head, cracking with every syllable, her voice high pitched and hardly recognisable as she broke the news to Betsy that her other mum had died. Maybe that was why Lisa couldn’t say this. She knew she couldn’t get the words out without using that same voice that would be too painful for both of them to hear. Carla set her voice even more gentle when she said, “Betsy, honey, she was raped.”

Lisa felt the pain in her chest. Hearing her girlfriend deliver it so softly, trying to ease the pain the words would cause everyone in the room. She should have tried harder to prevent this. 

“What?” Betsy’s tears fell. “Mum. Are you okay?”

Lisa held her head in her hand. She shook her head and wiped her tears. “I’m so sorry, Bets.” Lisa couldn’t look at her daughter. 

“Sorry?”

“I never meant to get hurt. He was snogging some girl, so I broke it up. I didn’t think…” 

Carla squeezed her hand tighter. “I think Betsy knows it’s not your fault, love.” She looked at Betsy, making eye contact, ensuring Betsy knew it wasn’t the time to lecture her mother about having an unsafe job.

Betsy shook her head. “No, mum. It’s not your fault.” She moved to her mother’s side and wrapped her arms around her. 

Lisa allowed herself to feel comforted by her daughter and partner’s touch, but after a few seconds, the touch turned to suffocation and she pushed them both away and stood from the sofa. “Get off me.” She said on her way up, and the two women remained on the sofa. Betsy really knew. Not only that, but Lisa had shed tears as Carla told her. She couldn’t even tell her herself. She was so weak. 

“Is this why you’ve been sending me off every night? So you didn’t have to tell me? Keep your little secret?” 

Betsy stood and Carla positioned herself between them. Lisa probably didn’t physically need protecting from her own daughter, but she might need the protection from her words. 

“Betsy. You have to understand what she’s gone through. The attack is the most personal, most intimate, most invasive thing someone can do to a person. It’s about exerting power and control, gets in your head. Makes you feel ashamed, like you lack power and control, and sometimes, not telling people, is that little bit a control that’s necessary to survive this.” Carla knew. Of everything she’d been through, there was nothing that messed with her emotions like being raped. Nothing completely altered her world, her life, than having someone violate her space, her body in that way. Having a gun pointed at her was terrifying, but it wasn’t as invasive. She didn’t feel used and dirty and broken after. 

“But is that why? Because you could’ve told me. I’m not some little kid that needs protecting.” 

“She was protecting herself, Betsy. It’s not about you.” 

Lisa wiped her tears. Carla was taking her jumbled thoughts and putting them into better sentences than she could ever manage. Maybe she should stop telling Carla she didn’t understand, because she was listening and observant and she could practically read her mind. She was learning to understand. Lisa felt so protected and safe with her. “I’m gonna hop into the shower.” 

Carla watched her leave for another shower and made a note to follow up on that later. But she turned to Betsy and they both took a seat again. “Betsy. You have to understand how difficult this is for her.” Carla said. 

“And it’s easy for me to wonder if she’s coming home every day?” 

Carla took a breath. “No. Trust me, I know. I worry about her all the time. But she’s tough. She survived.”

“This time.”

“You can’t blame her for this. You don’t think she would have stopped it if she could have done?” Carla was met with a silent Betsy. “Betsy. She’s been through one of the most painful experiences life has to offer. Her life is upside down. They’re not letting her go back to work for a while, and while you’re relieved, and I’m relieved, you have to understand and have some compassion. All your mum wants is for life to go back to normal, and that includes going back to work. It includes being the center of our family hugs, but she can’t. Everything reminds her of it right now, and you and I, we have to keep life as normal as possible, while also being attentive to her needs, being gentle, and following her lead. Alright?” 

Betsy nodded. “Okay.” 

“Come here.” Carla saw the tears in Betsy’s eyes and heard them in her voice, so she scooted over on the sofa, holding her arms out for Betsy. “We’re gonna get through this. All of us. As a family.” 

On the other side of that bedroom door, Lisa rested her head against it, the tears streaming down her face. She’d hurt her daughter so much by allowing this to happen to her. She shouldn’t have tried to save that woman. She was a willing participant as far as Lisa could see, and she shouldn’t have taken it upon herself to go off book and follow that man, knowing what he was capable of. Her two girls worried about her wellbeing every day she went off to work and she could only imagine how it felt to receive the news that that day, she hadn’t come home in one piece. She’d been shattered into a million tiny pieces and she had to count on Carla to put each of them back together because she was too broken to do it herself. She was such a burden. Her job was such a burden on her family.

Carla and Betsy stayed on the sofa together until Lisa emerged in a dressing gown with wet hair. 

“Hey you.” Carla said and she patted the space on the sofa next to her, placing herself between Lisa and Betsy. She reached her hand out for Lisa and Lisa grabbed it immediately as she sat down next to Carla. 

“You lot gossiping behind my back?” 

“If you consider talking about your gorgeous eyes gossip, then guilty as charged. Lock me up, Detective Sergeant Swain.” Carla said. 

Lisa smiled and was grateful that Carla made it clear that while all of them knew what she was going through, it was not going to be the center of every conversation. There would be moments of normalcy and lighthearted banter. Lisa may even forget about everything for a couple seconds. 

“Mmh. Is that new shampoo? It smells amazing.” Carla asked. 

“It is actually. Shocked you noticed.” Lisa said. It was so normal. How had Carla put everything else aside and allowed herself to be in the moment with her? Act like commenting on the smell of her shampoo was the only thing she had on her mind? She held Carla’s hand a little tighter, signaling that she hadn’t forgotten about everything and needed Carla’s support. She needed her partner to stay by her side. She felt Carla squeeze her hand back and Lisa looked at Carla’s shoulder, dying to rest her head on it, but she did her best to resist while Betsy was sitting on the other side of Carla. 

“Betsy, do you think you could run out and pick us up summat to eat?” Carla asked. She could feel Lisa holding back, and she needed to get Betsy out of the flat so Lisa could fall apart if she wanted. 

“Now?”

“Yes, now.” 

“Erm…” Betsy said, her voice shaking. “Alright. If I can choose what we eat.”

“How does a hundred quid sound? Get anything you like, just make sure there’s enough for all three of us. And you can keep the change.” She knew that would get Betsy to jump at the opportunity.

“Alright.” Betsy gave a small smile. 

“It’s in my bag. Go on, take it, and get on.” She waited for Betsy to stand and then she looked over at Lisa, who stared off into space. 

“Bye, Carla.” Betsy wrapped an arm around Carla who remained on the sofa.

“Bye.”

“Mum, can I have a hug?” She asked in front of a barely responsive Lisa who gave a very slight nod. Betsy reached a gentle arm around her and Lisa’s body tensed, but she reached her arm around Betsy, not pushing her away again. “I’ll be back soon.” 

Carla watched Betsy leave out the door and turned to Lisa who was so far away. “Come here.” She opened her arms for Lisa and Lisa laid her head on her chest, her eyes unmoving until her head made contact and Lisa finally closed her eyes, her body relaxing. Carla put her arms lightly around her, avoiding the bruises that she unfortunately couldn’t forget were there. “I love you.” She said and she laid a kiss at the top of Lisa’s head. 

Lisa pulled back. 

“Sorry. I’m sorry, love.”

“For what?”

“For triggering you. I wasn’t thinking.”

Lisa furrowed her eyebrows. How had Carla triggered her? She wasn’t thinking? About what? How dirty Lisa was, and kissing her head, giving her false hope that they’d eventually be okay? If Lisa was confident she had the strength to get through it without Carla in her life, she’d end it now just to put them both out of their misery. But she couldn’t handle a breakup on top of the trauma she’d just endured. She’d have to keep Carla until the trial at least, then maybe she could let her go. She wished there was another way, without feeling like she was using Carla, but they both knew Lisa had been damaged beyond repair, and Carla was still there by her side. “Erm, no. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“Come on, don’t be daft, Lisa.” 

“No. I know I’m dirty, and- you don’t have to pretend it’s fine.” She wanted to bring the words back as soon as she saw Carla’s face drop. She should never have admitted it. She’d made Carla feel bad. 

“Is that why you’ve been showering so much? You feel dirty?” Carla’s voice was so gentle. It hadn’t been the first time Lisa had made a comment like that. 

Lisa closed her eyes. She really shouldn’t have said anything. 

“You’re not.” Carla said. She took Lisa’s hand and Lisa opened her eyes. “You’re not.” 

She didn’t believe her, but she pulled her hand to her own lap and nodded, doing her best to take her words back. There was no way Carla actually believed her words. Of course she was dirty. Did the forensic exam not prove exactly that? Evidence of him lingered on her, far after he was gone. He’d been… inside her, areas that didn’t get clean with a shower, so he was still there, contaminating her from the inside out. His seed had likely already climbed into her ovaries, violating her in areas that could never be reached by anyone else. 

“I love you.” Carla said. 

Lisa only shook her head. It wasn’t enough to heal her. It wasn’t enough to put her back together and mend what he’d broken of their relationship. Carla loved her, but hadn’t kissed her. She claimed she wasn’t dirty, but regretted the one time her lips had made contact with Lisa since. Carla loved a version of her that no longer existed. 

Carla could feel her heart break when Lisa didn’t say it back. She always said it back. Had she really been that awful and unhelpful to her that Lisa had fallen out of love? Or had Lisa been hurt so badly, that she couldn’t feel anything but pain. “We’ll get through this. I promise.”

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.”

Carla could feel the knife in her heart. It was confirmed that she couldn’t feel anything but pain. “I would never. And I’m promising you, we’ll get through. Alright? I’m here. I will be by your side every step of the way.” 

Lisa could tell Carla believed it, but it’d happened three days ago, and Lisa had done nothing but blubber on about it. Carla had so much love to give and she deserved someone who could show her the same love back. All Lisa did was take. Like a leech, sucking everything Carla had from her. First, she cried to Carla while Carla was in hospital about her late wife’s murder. Then, she pushed Carla away after Carla had been held at gunpoint. Now, she had nothing to offer Carla in return for helping her through this. There was nothing in it for her, so why would she do it? The pain was going to last forever, and Carla was a little naïve about that. She didn’t understand the pain she was in, the effort it took to climb out of bed every morning. She didn’t understand how much he took from her, and how hard she’d tried to brush it off, but couldn’t do it. The type of pain she had endured only compared to the pain of losing Becky. She never got over Becky, and she’d never get over this. 

Betsy returned with pizza, of course. 

“How’s everything heree?” Betsy asked when she walked in the door.

“Oh. Tickity boo.” Lisa said and wiped the tears from her eyes. 

“You know you can talk to me. Right, mum?” 

“I know.”

“What kind of pizza did ya get?” Carla asked, diverting the attention from Lisa, knowing she felt insecure enough and wasn’t quite ready to talk about it further with Betsy. She understood that much, but it had to be a relief that they didn’t have to lie to her about going to work every morning or try to cover up what happened and hope no one would tell her. 

“Hawaiian.”

Carla gave a look of disgust. Of course Betsy picked it. It was Lisa’s favourite. “You want to grab some plates?” She waited for Betsy to walk to the kitchen and ran her hand over Lisa’s back. “You okay?”

Lisa nodded, her elbows on her knees and a distant look in her eyes. 

Betsy returned with the plates and set the plates on the coffee table next to the pizza box. She grabbed her own pizza. 

Carla plated both her own and Lisa’s pizza and handed a plate to Lisa. 

“Ta.” She said. 

Carla immediately picked the pineapple off of her pizza and put it on Lisa’s piece. 

Lisa stared at the pineapple being added to her slice and she couldn’t help but feel guilty. She was taking everything from Carla, and Carla was giving and giving with no hesitation. There was a mound of pineapple on top of her slice. “Stop. I don’t want your pineapple.”

“Sorry?”

“I don’t want all your pineapple.”

“You said before it’s the best bit.”

“But it’s yours.”

“Yeah, and I’ve told you, I think it’s disgusting. It’ll only go straight in the bin if you don’t want it.”

“But it’s yours.” 

Carla stopped what she was doing and turned to Lisa who looked at her slice of pizza with tears in her eyes. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Lisa felt Carla’s hand on her wrist and she recoiled. She looked up at her concerned face, then to Betsy who watched the whole thing. 

Betsy observed Carla, how she reacted, how she calmed her, how she got to the root of the problem. Betsy never knew what to do besides hug her mum when she was sad, and usually that always worked. But, this time it hadn’t. This time she’d pushed her away and she'd been sent off to pick up pizza so Carla could help her through it. Carla was the only one she responded to, and Betsy wanted to learn what she was doing, even if she didn’t end up being the person to console her mum, she wanted to know how in case it came down to it and she was the only one there. 

“I’m fine. I just don’t want your pineapple.” She said. “It’s yours.”

“Well. I’ll tell you what. You keep what’s on your plate already, and I will put the rest of the pineapple I don’t want on my plate, and you can take as much as you like.” 

Take as much as you like. Carla would offer her anything she had to give. “I don’t want anything from you.”

“Eh?” Carla tilted her head and set her plate aside. “Lisa. What’s this about?” 

Lisa glanced up at Betsy, then Carla, then back down to her pizza. “Nothing.”

Carla looked at Betsy. “Can you give us a minute?”

“Yeah.” Betsy said with a disappointed tone, her mouth straight as a line. She grabbed another piece of pizza before she went to her room. 

Carla noted how much easier it was to give Lisa privacy when Betsy knew the situation. She turned her attention back to her girlfriend. “What’s up?”

Lisa shook her head and stared at her pizza, piled with pineapple because Betsy knew it was her favourite pizza and Carla knew the pineapple was her favourite part. She should be the one taking care of them. They shouldn’t be catering to her, providing for her, coddling her. 

“Lisa, what’s going on? Talk to me, love.” 

Lisa picked a piece of the pineapple up and looked at it before she set it on her plate. “I don’t want you giving me everything.”

“How do you mean?”

“You can’t give me everything and let me give nothing in return.”

Carla observed Lisa, trying to understand what Lisa was talking about. “You mean, caring for you? Like anyone in their right mind would do?” 

Lisa met Carla’s eyes. This woman cared so much about her. She genuinely didn’t see what she was doing, how much she’d given her. “You should run a mile, if you have any sense.”

“I guess I don’t have any sense because that’s not happening, missus.”

Lisa felt the relief, then the guilt. “You don’t want to go through this with me, Carla. I’m damaged. I can’t give you the love you deserve.”

“You’ll get there.”

Lisa shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“I know so.” Carla said. She took Lisa’s hand. It seemed to be the only part of her she could touch that was consistently not triggering. “Trust me.” 

Lisa nodded and pulled her hand back to take a bite of her pizza slice that was loaded with pineapple. It truly was the best part of the pizza.

Betsy knowing presented its own set of challenges and perks. One of the perks was, they could send her out for food and Betsy was willing to go and eager to help without whining or questions. The challenges were, Lisa felt the need to prove she was dealing with everything well and still tried to put on a brave face, yet, Betsy knew she wasn’t okay, so she’d ask questions and Lisa would get frustrated and snap at her or lock herself in the bedroom. She could barely stand to be around her own daughter because the shame and guilt consumed her whenever she was around her. 

Then, there was Carla, caught between the two of them. She was the only one Lisa seemed to trust and felt she could be genuine with. Carla was there to comfort her when she didn’t feel like it would get any better. She was also the person that Betsy went to with any grievances or questions. If Lisa was cold to her, Betsy asked Carla to talk to her. If Lisa shut Betsy out, Carla had to explain where Lisa's head was at, make sure Betsy knew it wasn’t her fault, but also assure her that Lisa would come around. 

Lisa and Betsy stayed up watching telly and Carla went to bed early, completely drained. Having to tell Betsy herself while Lisa sat beside her in bits was up there on the list of the hardest things she’d done. It hurt her even more knowing first hand what she was going through. Every tear Lisa shed, every sleepless night, every time Carla held her in her arms, it hit her like a knife to the heart. Then, she hadn’t had a moment to herself since Lisa had said those details about the assault. Lisa had clearly thought Carla couldn’t handle the details because she was picturing her girlfriend being hurt. But, it was because she felt it happening to her all over again, while knowing Lisa had had to endure that pain as well. The tears fell from her eyes and for the first time since she’d seen Lisa in that alley, she allowed herself to properly break down and she stopped fighting her thoughts and allowed herself to be taken back to her old flat, feel his grasp tight around her wrists, his body pressed against hers. But with everything she remembered, it was immediately followed up with the knowledge that Lisa had gone through the same thing. She grasped her blanket and covered her mouth with it as she let out a sob, the tears falling and soaking her pillow. 

Suddenly, she felt arms around her and a small familiar body pressed against her backside. She covered her face with her hand, trying to keep her from seeing her fall apart. She should be the one comforting her. Lisa had been raped days ago, Carla had had about 14 years to process it. She should be the one comforting Lisa, not the other way around. However, she melted into Lisa’s arms and allowed herself to be comforted by her. 

“I’m so sorry Carla.”

She rolled over and turned towards Lisa, nestling her head on Lisa’s chest and she could feel Lisa tense, but she pulled Carla closer regardless and it only made Carla’s tears fall harder. She wrapped her arm over Lisa and let out a long breath, finally feeling a shred of relief.

Chapter Text

Carla opened her eyes the next morning to an empty bed. She frowned, remembering she’d fallen asleep in Lisa’s arms and she wished she could’ve woken up there as well. She climbed out of bed and wandered out of her room, running her fingers once through her hair. She stopped in her tracks as soon as she stepped out. The tears came to her eyes and she reeled them back in even though her heart was completely broken at the sight of her girlfriend asleep on the sofa, curled up with a blanket. She didn’t want to disturb her, it was the most peaceful Lisa had looked in a while, but she went to the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee as quietly as she could. 

As she poured the coffee, she looked over at the sofa and saw Lisa’s head pop up. “Morning, love. Would you like coffee?”

“Yeah, ta.” Lisa wiped her eyes and curled up in the corner of the sofa to watch Carla pour her a steaming hot cup of coffee. “Cheers.” She accepted the mug and watched Carla sit near her feet, but she didn’t touch her. 

“So. What’d you sleep out here for?” 

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“I’m sorry. Look about last night…”

“It’s fine, Carla. I know I’m asking a lot of you. You really don’t have to stay.”

Carla looked at her sadly. Lisa was trying to push her away, and Carla could see the inner battle between what she would always do, and what she needed to do. She needed someone to be there for her, but her instincts told her in order to protect Carla, she had to push her away. “I’m in this with you. Whether you want me here or not.” 

Lisa took a sip of her coffee and then leaned the side of her head against the back of the sofa. 

“Thank you for holding me. I know you were a bit out of your comfort zone last night. But I appreciate it.”

“Sorry I couldn’t stay.” Lisa admitted. She’d waited as long as she could to get out of that bed, hoping Carla would be fully asleep by the time she got up, but she couldn’t know for sure because she’d practically sprinted out of the room. Even though Carla hadn’t followed her, it didn’t mean she hadn’t noticed. Even if she hadn’t woken up, that morning she’d caught Lisa sleeping on the sofa. 

Couldn’t stay? Carla thought on the words for a minute, trying to figure out why it sounded like there was more to it. Like, she had wanted to stay, but something she couldn’t fight had taken over. “Why couldn’t you?”

Lisa shrugged and turned her attention back to her coffee. 

“Why’d you leave?” She asked and set a hand on Lisa’s knee, causing Lisa to flinch and Carla pulled her hand back immediately remembering, but Lisa’s coffee had already splashed down the front of her. The coffee seeped through her t-shirt and she jumped up and leaned forward to prevent the shirt from touching her skin. “Sorry. I’m sorry Lisa.”

Lisa set her cup down and legged it to the bathroom. 

Carla held her head in her hands. She knew better than to touch Lisa without asking or giving her adequate time to move out of the way. Now, she probably had burns on her chest because she’d failed to ask for her consent before she touched her. She hadn’t even thought about it. It was instinct. Lisa’s knee was in front of her, her hand naturally gravitated to it. She’d been doing her best to break herself out of those habits, and she’d done a great job. If only Lisa knew all the times she’d caught herself wanting to touch her knee or her arm or play with her hair, or kiss her. She’d resisted hundreds, maybe even thousands, of times in the past few days, so why did she feel like the worst girlfriend in the world for the one slip up? Physical touch was her love language and it was usually so easy to show Lisa how much she loved her, their bodies belonged together, her hand belonged on Lisa and she felt as if she wasn’t able to communicate how much she loved her without it. “Lisa.” She stood and met Lisa when she returned, barely able to look Carla in the eye. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, Carla? For being kind to me? For caring for me?”

“For triggering you.” Carla said. “I touched you without asking and I shouldn't have done, and I’m sorry.”

Lisa shook her head. “I’m your partner. You should be able to touch me. I should be able to sleep in bed with you.”

“Yeah, but darling, you’ve been raped.” Carla said as soft as she could manage.

“Not by you.”

Carla frowned. “I know, but sometimes your body don’t know the difference. That’s alright. It’ll get better with time, and once you’ve seen the counsellor.” She decided to add that bit so she could plant the seed and hopefully get Lisa to go sooner rather than later.

Lisa rolled her eyes. “You really think therapy will help me sleep in the same bed as you?” She challenged. “It’ll help me not feel panicked and suffocated when I’m touching you?” Her voice broke at the end, displaying how painful it was to admit.

Carla nodded. “Yes.” She knew it would help Lisa because it helped her. “I’m sorry. I’ll stay on my side of the bed. You don’t have to touch me from now on.”

“You were hurting.” Lisa said. She had wrapped Carla in her arms and her body had immediately tensed, every inch of her begged to get out of there, and not allow anything to have contact with her, but she had fought the urge at the expense of her own tears and reliving everything while she had held Carla. It was her own fault Carla was in bits, and she had to fix it before she could tend to her own needs. However, once she pulled away from Carla, she couldn’t stand their bodies touching at all, or feeling Carla’s breath as she slept facing her. It wasn’t Carla’s fault and it wasn’t anything that could be talked through. It was a physical reaction that she knew was irrational, so no amount of talking could help because she already knew. It wasn’t like she thought Carla would hurt her and had to figure out where that feeling was coming from. She knew she was safe with Carla and she was acting irrationally as a result of the rape that’d taken place only days ago. 

“That’s not your problem. I can take care of myself and you.” 

“Well, it isn’t going to give us our sex life back.” Lisa said in a sad quiet whisper and walked back to the sofa.

Carla followed her. “Don’t concern yourself with that right now. We’ll get it back. With time. And a counsellor can help with that.”

“You don’t want me, Carla, I’m dirty. No one can change that.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.” Lisa wanted to withdraw the words, she could see how pathetic she was acting. As if she was begging Carla to tell her that she wasn’t dirty. Some thoughts were better left unsaid. 

“No. No, Lisa.” Carla could feel the tears coming. If Lisa was dirty, Carla was dirtier, and Lisa knew that wasn’t the case. Lisa would never accuse Carla of being dirty, even though that’s exactly how she felt for a long time. “Lisa, I need to-” She stopped to catch her breath. She took a deep breath. She had to make Lisa see herself the way Carla saw her. Her hands trembled in her lap. She couldn’t say those words. But Lisa needed her to. It’d help her, it was the time. Carla took a deep breath and tried to find the best way to approach it. She hoped it would actually help and not trigger her even more. She wished Lisa would hold her hand as she said it, or after she did so. But it wasn’t about her. This was for Lisa. To help her through. Carla had to do whatever it took. If only Lisa knew, she’d never say about Carla, what she was saying about herself. She needed Lisa to see it from that perspective. She knew Lisa would never call her dirty, so she asked her, “Am I?”

Betsy wandered out of her bedroom and walked straight up to her mum. “Hug?” She had her arms open. 

“Short one.” Lisa said, even though she desperately wanted to hug her daughter as long as Betsy was willing to. 

Carla tried to hold back her own tears, the words had been on the tip of her tongue and she stood from the sofa and quickly shut herself in the bathroom. She put a hand over her racing heart as she tried to catch her breath. She’d nearly told Lisa. It wasn’t about her though. She squeezed her eyes and she wished she had a friend. She wished Michelle was still close by because she had done so much to help her when it’d happened to her. She took the time behind the closed door to make herself presentable. She put on a light layer of makeup and went to her closet to pick out a nice yet comfortable outfit. 

“Hey. I’m so sorry. I have to nip over to the factory for just a moment. Will you two be alright?” 

“Course.” Lisa said. 

“I think we can manage.” Betsy said. 

“Great.” Carla grabbed her bag and gave Betsy a hug and kissed the top of her head. She felt Betsy wrap both arms around her and squeeze more than she ever had before. It was evident that they both missed hugging Lisa more than anything. They finally broke off the hug and turned to Lisa. She held her arms out. “Come here.” She waited for Lisa to move in and she gently wrapped her arms around her, Lisa’s head on her shoulder for a moment before she pulled away. “Love you.” She nearly gave her a kiss, but she remembered Lisa’s reaction the last time, and she stopped herself. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” She turned to Betsy. “Take care of your mum.”

“I will.” 

Carla walked out of the flat and the tears immediately wanted to take over, but she bit her lips and held it together. She walked along the cobbles to the factory. She hadn’t been out much since the assault. Everyone was going on about their lives as normal. Like it was just another day. Like that alley was just another alley, as if they couldn’t see Lisa leaning against the wall, clinging to her, having just endured one of the most painful moments of her life. She looked down the alley as she walked past, and then she continued on. She opened the door to the factory and all of her employees were clocking out. 

“Oh hi Missus C.” 

“Carla. I didn’t think we’d see you today.”

Carla heard the voices greet her, but she ignored them and continued on to her office where Sarah remained. 

“Carla. I didn’t know you’d be stopping by.” She said and stacked the papers on the desk. 

“Yeah, well, I’m here. You can take your break.” 

“I have quite a bit of work to catch up on.”

“Are you deaf?” Carla snapped, the emotions threatening to overtake her. All she wanted was to be alone in her office, the place she felt useful and safe, despite everything that had happened in that factory over the years. “Get off.” She said. “Get out!” She yelled until Sarah stood from her seat and left the office. Carla slammed the door behind her and she ran her hand over her mouth and sat at her desk. 

She took several breaths before she pulled out her phone and called the only person aside from Lisa who would support her through anything. 

“Hello?” Carla heard the voice when the call connected. “Carla?” 

She felt the tears come to her eyes and the lump in her throat grow. She finally had someone on her side. “Michelle.” Her voice broke and she let out a sob.

“Carla are you alright?”

“Summat’s happened.” She said, but she couldn’t get the words out. “I need you Michelle.”

“What’s happened? Are you alright? Has summat happened to Ryan?”

Carla shook her head and waved it off before she remembered that Michelle couldn’t see her. She had to actually talk to her if she wanted her support. “It’s Lisa.” She sobbed. She hadn’t told Michelle very much about Lisa because she’d been in hospital, or being kidnapped, or held at gunpoint, and she’d had Lisa’s support to get through those things. A phone call wasn’t the way she wanted to talk about it, so she’d talked to the people around her like Ryan and Roy. Ryan had told Michelle when she started dating Lisa, and Carla had told Michelle how happy she was with her, and they’d even had a discussion about how good the sex was, Carla recommending that Michelle experience sleeping with a woman at least once in her life because how could anyone not enjoy that? 

But she’d called Michelle because she needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t run into Lisa and look at her differently when Lisa decided to finally leave the flat. She needed someone who would never tell anyone what Carla had told her. “I don’t know if I can do this Michelle.”

“What’s she done? I’ll kill her if she’s hurt you.”

Carla shook her head. “No. She hasn’t hurt me. Someone hurt her.” She let out a sob and Michelle was silent on the other end. “She was raped.”

Michelle let out a breath on the other end of the phone. “Do you need me to fly out?”

Carla shook her head, the tears falling down her face. “I just need someone who gets it.”

“Does she know about you?” Michelle’s voice was incredibly soft. 

Carla shook her head again. “It’s so similar. The choking, shoving her to the ground…” She held her head in her hand. “I thought I was over it, but it’s just brought it all back up.”

“Alright. I’m on the next plane.”

“No. Michelle.”

“I don’t want to hear your argument. I’m already packing a bag.”

“Michelle.”

“I’ll come by your flat when I get in.”

“No. Michelle. I’m at the factory. I didn’t want Lisa to hear me tell anyone.” She held her breath as Michelle was silent on the other end. She did want Michelle by her side, telling her it’d be okay, helping her run Underworld, and there to listen to her talk about how Lisa’s words had triggered something else. She wanted someone who could hug her without it being triggering. It would happen for Lisa soon, but she also didn’t want to discuss it with her because she knew Lisa would do anything if she thought it’d make Carla happy and she didn’t want to push her. 

“I won’t say you’ve told me.” Michelle said. “I’ll stay with Ryan, but you can’t keep me away.” 

Carla let out a small smile. 

“See you soon.”

Carla hung up the phone. 

Sarah: I accidentally double booked. Can you meet a potential client ASAP?

Lisa stared at her nails and picked at the edge of her longest nail, trying to get an edge so she could rip it down to practically nothing like the rest of her nails. Betsy watched the telly beside her. “Do you think you could nip on down and order me a BBQ Boti?” Lisa asked and then questioned what was stopping her from going. If it was safe enough to send her daughter, she could make the trip herself. However, the thought of pulling herself together just to get some food sounded exhausting. Having to face people and talk to them, while hiding the complete mess she was, just seemed like a lot of unnecessary work when she could get Betsy and Carla to do just about anything for her. 

“I don’t think I should leave you…” Betsy said, unsure of what the right thing to do was. 

“I’m fine, Bets. I can manage on my own for a few minutes.” 

“Keep the door locked. And call me or Carla if you need anything.” 

“What I need is some BBQ Boti.” She got up and retrieved her wallet and handed Betsy 30 pounds. “This should cover it, eh?”

Betsy couldn’t help but notice the difference between Carla giving her a hundred quid and her mum giving her 30. Why couldn’t her mum be a factory owner instead? More pay and less danger. Who wouldn’t want that? “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” 

“I know. Don’t worry about me.”

Carla walked into the meeting already late and full of apologies. She sat across from the man who she already despised for keeping her away from Lisa. But. Securing this client would ensure she could care for Lisa for months to come. Lisa could quit her job if she wanted to and they would be able to stay afloat. So, she put on a smile, even after he ran his hand through his greasy blonde hair and wanted to shake her hand after. The oil from his hair made her cringe at the handshake, and she stopped him before he could complete the hug he’d gone in for. She could only hope he put some kind of oil in his hair and it wasn’t from lack of hygiene. 

She resisted the urge to get up and wash her hands immediately after shaking his hand, but she would have to do it before the food arrived. 

“So. Carla Connor. I’ve heard so much about you.” 

“Oh, careful, you can’t believe everything you hear.” She laughed. She wanted to get back to Lisa and all she could hope was that her smile was big enough that he couldn’t tell. She quickly pivoted to numbers so she could get out of that meeting and back to Lisa as soon as possible. 

“Now. Can you show me your knickers?” He said with a devious smile. 

Carla laughed, unfortunately used to the joke and pulled out the sample from her bag. She handed it over and her eyes wandered to the bar. She saw… “Excuse me one sec.” She got up and walked up to the bar. “Betsy.” She said and Betsy turned around, both of them hugging each other automatically. “What’re you doing here? You were meant to stay with your mum.” 

“I’m getting takeaway. She was craving a BBQ Boti.” Betsy said. “You here for a meeting?”

“Yeah. Speaking of. I need a wash.” Carla looked at her hands that appeared clean, but she could still feel the hair grease. 

She washed her hands and returned to the table. The man looked at the sample and down at the contract Carla had set out for him. She looked back over at Betsy and wished she could be taking care of her girlfriend. Was it really worth it? One contract? She watched him sign his name and she debated grabbing the contract and immediately doing a runner, but that was too unprofessional… right?

As soon as the signature was complete and the pen hit the table, three coppers walked in and went straight up to the man. “Graham Morris? You’re under arrest for the rape of DS Swain.” 

Carla’s heart stopped. This whole time she’d been sharing a meal and having a chat with… her girlfriend’s rapist? 

Betsy’s head swung to the commotion when she heard the words. 

Carla’s head was spinning as she watched the cuffs close around his wrists. He was shaking his head and trying to deny it. She looked down at the freshly signed contract. Carla stood from the table and backed away until she collided with Betsy who slowly walked toward Carla. 

Betsy threw her arms around Carla. She needed her comfort and protection. This was actually happening. He’d actually done that to her mum. How had she felt safe walking there by herself when this man was so close? It could have been her. It could’ve happened walking to get her mother some takeaway.

“You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.”

Carla held onto Betsy, both of them shaking, furious, and the sadness creeping in as they took comfort in each other's arms. 

“I didn’t rape her, but that bitch had it coming. Glad someone took her down a notch.” 

At those words, Carla charged at him, Betsy doing her best to hold Carla back. Despite wanting to kill him, Carla allowed Betsy to hold her back, aware that she didn’t want to touch him again and that she didn’t want to be arrested as well. “I’ll take you down a flaming notch! You don’t deserve to flaming live!!” She struggled against Betsy, but she continued to allow her to hold her back. She could break away from Betsy if she wanted, and she thought about it for a moment, but she only wanted to bark at him, not get physical. She wanted him to suffer, in prison, and she didn’t want to complicate the process. 

“Carla. Carla. Don’t get arrested.” 

“Betsy. Your takeaway order.” Leanne managed to say in the midst of all the chaos. 

“You’re lucky I don’t kill you!” Carla spat as they walked him outside. 

“Stop. My mum needs you.” Betsy said. 

At those words, Carla stopped fighting against her and all the rage turned to sadness. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Betsy.” She wrapped her arms around Betsy. She’d acted exactly like Peter did when she knew how unhelpful it was. The only difference was she allowed herself to be stopped, but if they’d been alone together, she couldn’t promise she’d not have done anything stupid. “Let’s take your mum her food, eh?” She grabbed the contract from the table and shoved it in her bag. She would burn that later, but for now, she needed to be with her girlfriend.

Lisa was making a brew when Betsy walked in with her takeaway, Carla right behind her. “You’re back early. Everything alright at the factory?”

“The factory can wait.” Carla shook her head. She felt so guilty for leaving Lisa alone to have a meal with her rapist, as if she had taken his side. Lisa came first. Betsy second. Work third. She took a breath and looked at Lisa, trying to read her first.

“Would you like me to make you a brew?”

Carla shook her head. “Lisa. Have you heard the news?” 

“That he’s been arrested? I received the call a couple minutes ago. I was cautioned to keep my girlfriend in check. Any idea what that’s about?” 

Carla faked acting as if she had no idea. She scratched her head. “I- I don’t recall acting in a way that would warrant that kind of comment.”

“She nearly killed him.” 

“And if I did, it would’ve been his own fault.” Carla said and dropped the act when Lisa didn’t seem to find it the least bit amusing. “Sorry, love. I was wound up, but Betsy kept me from doing anything stupid.” She walked around to the other side of the counter and held her arms open for Lisa. “It won’t happen again. I promise.” 

Lisa allowed Carla to wrap her arms around her and she clung to her. “I can’t lose you right now, Carla.”

“I promise. I’ll be right here. Every step of the way.” 

Lisa pulled Carla in tighter for a moment before she pulled away.

After dinner that night, the three of them sat on the sofa together and the buzzer rang. Carla popped up immediately and picked up the phone. 

“Hi Carla, it’s me.” 

“Come on up.”

She hit the button to open the door. “It’s Michelle.”

“Michelle?” Lisa questioned. 

“Ryan’s mum. My best mate. I’ve mentioned her.”

“No, I don’t think you have.” Lisa said. She had luckily decided to get dressed that day or she’d be more furious with Carla. She took a couple breaths and shoved her emotions down. 

Carla opened the door and Michelle walked in. “Hiya.” She gave Carla a kiss on the cheek. “How are you?” 

Betsy and Lisa both stood from the sofa to face Carla and Michelle. 

“Oh. Michelle. This is my lovely girlfriend Lisa, and her gobby daughter Betsy.” Betsy scrunched her face at Carla, and Carla did it back. 

Lisa held her hand out and shook Michelle’s. “Nice to meet you. I can’t say we were expecting visitors.” 

“Oh. Well, happy to finally meet you. Carla has told me so much about you, I feel like I practically know you.”

“Is that right?” Lisa looked at Carla, asking what all she’d said. 

“It was all good. Just told her how over the moon in love with you I am.” Carla smiled. 

“And how you arrested Roy.” Michelle added. She’d talked to Carla when Roy was arrested, and then when Ryan told her she was dating a copper, Michelle had joked that she was surprised Carla could stand any of them after Roy, and that’s when Ryan informed her that she was dating the copper who’d arrested Roy. 

Carla let out a laugh. 

Lisa put her hands on her hips. “The evidence-”

“We know, love. You were following the evidence.” Carla smiled. “In a way, Lisa’s also responsible for Roy being released. Because she listened to me and looked for other suspects.” 

Lisa smiled. They’d never really talked about that whole mess, but it was good to know she’d redeemed herself in Carla’s eyes. 

The conversation fell flat after that and they all looked at each other, all hiding something, and unsure of where to go with the conversation without revealing everything. 

“Do you mind if Carla and I have a little sister chat?” Michelle asked.

“No, be my guest.” Lisa said. 

“Pub?” Michelle asked and Carla grabbed her bag. 

She gave Betsy a big hug and then turned to Lisa. “You’ll be alright?” 

“Not if you leave without a kiss.” Lisa said, hoping Carla would finally kiss her, and not give away that Lisa was struggling so much. 

“Yeah? You wanna kiss?” Carla teased, trying to make it seem playful, but really giving Lisa the chance to back out.

“Yeah.” 

Carla placed her hand on Lisa’s jaw, her fingers in her hair and brought her in for a kiss. She’d missed it so much. It was such a comfort to finally do what felt right. She leaned her forehead against Lisa’s. “I’ll be back soon. Ring me if you need me. Alright?” 

Lisa nodded. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

Carla sat across the table from Michelle, each with a glass of red. 

“You going to talk to me, or did I fly out here to drink some red on your dime?”

“My dime?” Carla acted as if she hadn’t already said she’d pay. “Everything I’m going through, you should be footing the bill.” 

Michelle turned serious and reached her hands across the table to hold Carla’s. “What are you going through? Talk to me.” 

“I don’t know!” Carla said, frustrated. She’d already told Michelle about what she could make sense of in her brain. The rest was a big scrambled mess of different emotions and they were all attached to things that were happening, but tangled in a giant knot so she couldn’t understand any of it. All she knew was that she hated seeing Lisa struggle, and she wanted to help her, but helping her meant she was remembering Frank a lot. She shook her head. “Just, my blooming girlfriend was… attacked and…” she fought the tears and saw the sad look from Michelle. She had no idea how to help her, which scared Carla because Michelle always knew what to do. “I don’t think I can help her. She keeps making these flaming comments that I don’t know what it’s like and… I just wanna take her, and shout at the top of my lungs what happened to me. Then, another part of me wants to walk away because I can’t tell her now. I can’t tell her just to have her throw it back in my face like she does with it not happening to me. I’m not helpful to her. I’ve failed.”

“You’ve not failed.” Michelle said. “She’s going through something enormous and lashing out so you need a bit of help. Which is where I come in.” 

“You can’t very much tell her that she’s got to stop whining now, can you?” Carla said. “She’s got every right to feel the way she does. I’m the problem.” 

“You’re not a problem. She actually seemed to be doing quite well in the flat.” 

Carla shook her head. “She does that. When people are around. She puts on a brave face. You know, she didn’t shed one tear during the exam? I was beginning to worry she didn’t have emotions at all. Acted like she was seeing a dentist.” 

Carla could see them coming out of the corner of her eye and she kept her eyes on Michelle trying to beg her to rescue her before they had even reached the table. 

“Missus Connor. How’s… Missus Swain?” Sally asked. “I heard your meeting was interrupted because the client was arrested and charged with raping DS Swain.” 

“You know, You should really learn to keep your trap shut, Sally. It’d do you a world of good.” 

“I didn’t mean to cause you any distress. I-”

“Well, you did.” Carla said. “Now get out my face.” Carla barked and Michelle gave an apologetic smile.

Lisa couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d somehow contaminated Carla, that she’d trapped her into it and had not given her a chance to turn her down without completely humiliating her in front of everyone. Of course Carla hadn’t wanted to kiss her then, but if she didn’t Michelle would know something was wrong. She was only trying to protect Lisa, and had planted her lips on the same place Lisa had failed to wash completely free of him. Carla was the best woman she could ever ask for and she felt so much guilt about bringing her into this. 

“Mum?” Betsy broke Lisa out of her thoughts. “I think I’m gonna stay here. I’m not gonna leave you.”

“No, Betsy. You have to go.”

“No. Not with the state you’re in.”

“Carla moved mountains to get you this opportunity. He’s behind bars, I’ll be fine. There's nothing you can do for me.”

“I could… make you tea and cheese toasties and maybe even bake you some biscuits if you ask nicely.”

“No. You’re going. I won’t let what he’s done harm your future in any way. You go, and you make me proud.” He’d already destroyed her life, and Carla’s life. Lisa would do everything in her power to keep it from destroying her daughter’s life. She needed to get as far away from all this as possible. 

“I’m worried about you.”

“I have Carla. And we can text every day.”

Betsy nodded. She had been looking forward to being independent, seeing more than just Manchester where she’d lived her whole life. She finally had a chance to study fashion, like she’d always wanted, and her mother was right. That man couldn’t win. He couldn’t take her dream from her. “Promise me, you’ll let me know if you need me. At all.”

“I promise.” Lisa smiled. She wouldn’t need Betsy for more than anything but a hug and to look at her face and see she was alright and perfect and beautiful, and she wouldn’t make her return for that.

Carla held her full glass and ran her fingers over the base. “If I told her about when I was raped, would that make all this about me?” Carla asked. “The last thing I want, is to put more on her, and telling her, might be more than she can handle.”

“I very much doubt that.”

“You don’t know how fragile… or, maybe you know. I shouldn’t assume, I guess. But… after I was raped, I was broken.”

“And who was the first person you called?” Michelle asked. “Someone who had been in your place, or as close as you knew.”

Carla pondered the words for a moment. It brought her back to being on the floor of her flat, her clothes ripped, holding her shirt together, and completely broken, and hurt, and betrayed. She’d needed someone to help her through because he’d just taken everything from her. She didn’t even think her legs would hold her weight, she was shaking so much and her entire body felt so weak, but she couldn’t sleep on that floor. She couldn’t be alone. She called Maria because she knew Maria would believe her. Carla already believed Lisa. Lisa had called her, which meant she knew that. Lisa had also called the police on her own, and had not been completely broken. She had cracks, but she was nowhere near the state Carla had been in. Lisa didn’t need someone who’d been through it to support her, she didn’t feel like the only person in the world who this happened to. Lisa was a copper, she knew these things happen to women all the time. She didn’t need someone else to dump her trauma onto her while she was just trying to get through the day. All Lisa needed was someone to hold her hand and a shoulder to cry on. Carla looked up at Michelle and gave her a small frown. “Yeah, but... Lisa’s stronger than me.”

Chapter Text

Carla brought Lisa coffee in bed after Lisa managed to spend the night in the same bed as Carla, thanks to Carla staying on her side of the bed for once in her life. It’d taken everything in her not to cuddle up next to Lisa, intertwine their legs and arms and feel her girlfriend’s body against hers. As a result she didn’t sleep well at all, but she knew it wouldn’t be forever, and one day she’d be able to fall asleep and wake up with her little Lisa snuggled in her arms again. Lisa accepted the mug and held it on her lap, and she watched Carla sit next to her. She wondered if Betsy leaving would make all of this too much for Carla, once she had to do it alone with no one else to look after her. It was too much for Lisa to handle on her own, so she took the weight of everything she couldn’t carry, and put it all on Carla. It was only a matter of time before Carla realised the extra weight and dumped it all back on her, where it rightfully belonged. 

“So. I think you and Betsy should spend some time together today, you know, before she gets off.” 

“Don’t remind me.” Lisa threw her head back. 

“It’ll be good. I know you hold back around her, and once she is pursuing her dreams, this flat can be your safe space all the time, show as much emotion as you’d like.” 

“I’ll just miss her is all. You know, ever since Becky… I’ve always had her.”

“Course. I’d be worried if you didn’t miss her. ‘Eck, I’ll miss her too. But I also see how much effort it takes for you to put on a front around her.” She wanted to make it as easy as possible on Lisa, and she hoped it’d make it easier to know that if she wanted or needed to break down, she could, and her daughter wouldn’t witness it, only Carla would, which Lisa had already shown she was comfortable with. She was the only person Lisa seemed comfortable with seeing her as anything that was less than professional. Carla couldn’t forget that day it happened, how she’d held the tears in, and then sprinted up to the flat, unable to hold herself together much longer, but also not allowing herself to shed a single tear until she was behind a closed door, in the safety of their flat, alone with Carla. She could see that same Lisa in front of her, holding it together, trying to be fine, but the pain was too deep. She couldn’t pretend as if it wasn’t there. “Love you.” Carla added, seeing Lisa had been in her head, staring off into space. 

“I love you too, Carla.” She held her coffee with both hands and scooted closer to Carla on the bed and rested her head on Carla’s shoulder. 

Carla could feel the relief flood her. She was being helpful, Lisa was responding, she trusted her, and was comfortable enough to sit that close to her. The warmth filled her shoulder and it was only a matter of time before Lisa could spread that warmth throughout her body again. The small gesture showed her that they were making progress, and Lisa would get through this eventually. 

Lisa nestled her head in Carla’s shoulder more, and Carla brought her arm around Lisa’s back and to her other arm until she could lightly run her hand up and down Lisa’s upper arm. She could feel the tears hit her bare shoulder and Carla set her coffee on the nightstand, then took Lisa’s and set it aside as well and wrapped both arms around her girlfriend, Lisa snuggled in, allowing her girlfriend’s arms to act as a shield between her and the rest of the world. She wished she could stay there until all her wounds turned to scars and she had the strength to face the world with her head held high again.

Carla sat behind her desk at the factory, holding that contract in her hands. The one that legally bound her business to her girlfriend’s rapist. There were several outcomes to this. One, Graham Morris owned his own company and would profit off of Carla fulfilling the order. Two, Graham only signed the contract because he knew what he’d done to her girlfriend and was trying to make their lives impossible, and if they fulfilled the order, he didn’t have a reliable business to go back to, and would have to pay the agreed upon amount, when he couldn’t afford it. Carla could take everything from him. Or three, he could have been sent on behalf of a company and his signature was on behalf of that company, so discarding the contract would mean losing the biggest order she’d had in a while, for nothing. Because Graham would have likely been sacked already. He hadn’t talked much about his purpose. Only the amount of knickers he needed and the price point he was looking for… which was higher than average. She had been thrown into the meeting last minute and hadn’t actually known who he was… clearly. 

“What are you doing back here? Aren’t you meant to be taking care of your wife?”

Carla’s lips twitched up at Michelle calling Lisa her wife. It felt so right, she didn’t bother to correct her. “She and Betsy are spending the day together before Betsy goes off to London tomorrow.” Carla looked back at the contract. 

“What’s she going to London for?”

“Oh, I got her in with a very prestigious designer. She’ll be a paid intern. Great learning opportunity.” She said and returned her attention back to the contract. Did it really matter which scenario was the correct one if it meant having this paper with her girlfriend’s rapist’s signature on it?

“What’s on your mind?”

Carla showed Michelle the contract. “It’s the biggest order we’ve had in a while. Could do wonders.”

“What’s the problem?”

“It’s signed by my girlfriend’s rapist.”

“You know what we have to do then.” Michelle said. “What you always do when you make a deal with a rapist.” She said. “Burn the flaming contract.”

Carla nodded. She hadn’t felt guilty the first time, and she didn’t feel guilty this time. “Have you got a lighter?” 

Michelle dug through her bag until she pulled out a lighter. 

Carla went over to the sink, the last of her staff just left out the door to go on dinner. She flicked on the lighter and held the flame up to the corner of the contract until it caught fire. 

“Like a pro.” Michelle said. 

Carla let go of the paper just before the flames reached her fingers and watched it burn in the sink. No amount of money could force her to work with that predator. She knew how difficult it’d been to do business with someone who’d done something that awful, and if he ended up not going to prison, she would never want to put Lisa through that pain of having to see his face ever again. 

The ashes sat in the sink and she rinsed them down before she looked at Michelle.  “We never speak of this again.” Carla told her. 

“Obviously.”

Carla sat down next to Lisa on the sofa as Betsy packed her bags. Lisa sat with her phone in her hands. “Kit says they held him as long as they could, but he’s out on bail.”

“What!?” Carla couldn’t believe the system would do that to one of their own. Lisa had made a career of putting men like him behind bars and protecting women from men like him, but who was there to protect her? 

“Figured that would happen.” Lisa shrugged. “When the police find an excuse to delay the bail hearing, it’s never a good sign. Apparently it got too much for the other woman and she withdrew her complaint, and they’re arguing that my accusation is to ensure a conviction.” 

“I’m sorry, love.” 

“At least he can’t come around here, eh?”

Carla wanted to agree, but she also knew there wouldn’t be someone watching him 24 hours a day, so he could come back if he really wanted to. They could arrest him, and he could be let out again. There was nothing in place to actually ensure Lisa was protected from him, so Carla made that her job. If no one else would do it, she had to. 

“I’m all packed.” Betsy walked in. 

At least Betsy would be safe, being far away from Weatherfield. Lisa gave her a small smile. “Come over here and we can watch some telly, our last night together.”

Betsy sat by Lisa, placing Lisa in between Betsy and Carla, right where she needed to be.

“I’ll miss you so much.” Lisa had managed to leave the flat for the first time to see her daughter off. She wished they’d waited one more day to let him free on bail, but she had Carla, and together they would be able to take him down. Carla was a strong woman. She’d held her own after being kidnapped immediately after transplant surgery. She’d managed to fight and win. Sure, Lisa had come in and rescued Carla once, when she was in the factory, curled up in the chair, and also when Carla was held hostage by her brother… But Lisa hadn’t done anything Carla couldn’t have. When Carla’s life, or more specifically, Lisa’s life was in danger, Carla fought like hell. Carla would never allow something like this to happen to her if she thought for a minute it would mean not being able to kiss her girlfriend. Lisa had failed her, but at least she knew that with Carla by her side, she’d be safe. 

“Miss you too, mum.” Betsy said. She wrapped her arms around her mother, and felt her squeeze her back. “Call me. If you need anything.”

“I’ll be just fine.”

Betsy turned to Carla. “Ring me if she needs anything?” She gave Carla a hug. 

“Course.” Carla held Betsy tight. “You have fun. And learn lots.” 

Betsy pulled back, and adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder. “Take care of my mum.”

“Always.” Carla wrapped an arm around Lisa and Lisa grabbed onto her hand, keeping Carla’s arm around her. 

“Love you, Bets.” Lisa said. 

“Love you too, mum.” 

Lisa watched as her daughter left. Into the big scary world. Alone. But at least she wouldn’t have to see her own mother fall apart any more than what she’d already seen. It was for the best.

Lisa had a shower as soon as they returned to the flat, then took a seat on the sofa in her dressing gown. 

“Would you like tea?”

“No, ta.” Lisa said. For some reason, her mind had decided to remind her of the moment when Carla had left with Michelle, and Lisa had asked for a kiss. She’d been thinking about it since it happened, and she couldn’t help but feel like Carla hadn’t wanted to kiss her, and she’d pressured her into it. But, if Carla hadn’t wanted to… Lisa was no better than the man who’d hurt her. She’d only spread the pain further. 

“What’s on your mind, missus?” 

Lisa hadn’t even realised Carla had sat down next to her. “I’m sorry I made you kiss me.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I know I’m dirty, and you didn’t want to kiss me, but I asked, and you didn’t want me to feel bad. But… you clearly didn’t want to, and…”

“I didn’t want to?” Carla asked. 

“Well, you’ve not done it since. And I don’t blame you. I’m damaged goods.”

Carla softened. “You think I’ve not kissed you because I think you’re dirty? Or damaged?” Her voice sounded incredibly sad. 

“I don’t blame you, Carla, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry. I never meant to pressure you.”

“Darling, you didn’t.” Carla looked into Lisa’s tearful eyes and her heart broke for this woman. If only Lisa could see what Carla saw. An incredibly strong and beautiful woman who’d been through a life changing trauma, and just needed time to heal. “I’ve wanted to kiss you every time I’ve laid eyes on you.” 

Lisa shook her head. 

“I’ve been resisting because, the trauma you’ve just been through can sometimes make kissing hard to do without your mind going back there, and that’s the last thing I want. I don’t want to remind you of him. I want you to kiss me when you feel ready to do so.”

Lisa shook her head. There was no way Carla wanted that. Her lips contained his saliva. There was so much of her body that he’d been the last person to touch. He was everywhere. 

“You’re not dirty, Lisa. You feel that way cause you’ve been violated and things were done that you didn’t want. Trust me, I don’t think you’re dirty.”

“You say that, but I don’t see you making a move.”

“Do you want me to?”

The tears came to her eyes. “I miss you, Carla.”

Carla leaned in closer, and Lisa did as well, showing her she was ready for it. “You’re sure?”

“I love you.” Lisa said. She closed her eyes and felt Carla’s soft lips make contact with hers. Only for a second though. It was too short. She wanted a real kiss. She wanted Carla to show her how much she loved her and erase all the memories, make Lisa forget about everything just for a while. She followed Carla’s lips when she pulled back, and planted her lips on Carla’s when Carla finally stopped pulling away. She felt Carla’s tongue. She missed her so much. She held Carla’s head and felt Carla’s hand at her waist. Her heart rate accelerated at the rush, but her body interpreted it as fear. The feeling quickly consumed her entire body and she couldn’t catch her breath. His arm was across her neck and she clawed at the collar of her dressing gown, pulling it away from her neck. 

Carla closed her eyes and tried to hold in the tears. That was exactly why she hadn’t tried to kiss her. She knew this would happen. She should’ve known better than to think Lisa was possibly ready. She’d just been raped a blooming week ago. She watched her girlfriend gasp for air as she pulled the collar of her dressing down as far away from her neck as possible. Carla put a light hand over Lisa’s hand and waited for a moment. “Lisa. Love. You’re alright. Just breathe.” She could feel her body shaking and she felt so guilty about sending her into that state. “Babe, it’s Carla. You’re safe. Nobody’s gonna hurt you.”

Lisa could hear the words, but she couldn’t calm herself. It was all out of her control, which made her panic even more. 

“Love, just breathe. Can you do that? Lisa.” She said softly, but when Lisa didn’t respond, Carla took a more authoritative tone. “Lisa. Lisa. You need to breathe. Come on. Deep breaths.”

Carla’s voice broke through and Lisa did as she was told. A deep, shaky breath.

“Good. Another.”

Lisa took another deep breath, but the exhale turned to sobs.

“Come here.” Carla’s voice returned soft. 

“I’m so sorry, Carla.” Lisa collapsed in her girlfriend’s arms. 

“Shhh. Don’t apologise.” Carla wrapped her arms around Lisa. They had such a long road ahead of them, but Carla knew it was only temporary, unlike Lisa. Lisa feared it was her new normal.

Chapter Text

Whenever Carla woke up to Lisa sleeping on the sofa, she knew it was going to be a tough day. But, she acted as if it would be just like any other day because it would only upset Lisa if she treated her differently on days she slept on the sofa. “Morning, Love.” 

“Oh. Sorry. I came out here for a bit, and must have fallen asleep.” Lisa tried to cover. 

“Coffee? Tea?” 

“Coffee, ta.” Lisa said. 

Carla made them each a cup of coffee and joined Lisa on the sofa. 

“So, missus. What’s on your agenda for today?”

“Cuddle with you, I hope.”

Carla smiled. “Sounds perfect.” She said, but she also had in the back of her mind when they’d kissed the day before, how Lisa had completely panicked. Didn’t she need her space? Carla tried to think back to what she would’ve wanted. Every so often when she was stressed and Peter tried to touch her at all, no matter how innocent, she’d tense, and ask him to keep his distance. When they’d kissed and her back hit the wall, Carla had stopped him, the images in her mind, her heart rate accelerated, but she hadn’t full on panicked like Lisa had. Maybe because it’d only happened to Lisa a week ago, and Carla had waited longer. But Lisa also seemed insecure about Carla not wanting to kiss her, and she wanted to show her that she wanted to kiss her, but she also didn’t want to make her panic. “Lisa, can we talk?”

“What about?”

Carla gave her a sad half-smile, trying to indicate the topic she wanted to bring up. 

“Right.” Lisa looked away. 

“It don’t have to be now.”

“No. I’m already thinking about it. Go on, what’d you wanna say?”

Carla took a breath. She wanted to approach the subject extra delicately seeing Lisa was already upset. “Yesterday.” She said, and gave Lisa a moment to prepare herself for the rest of the words after she’d indicated where the conversation was headed. “I love that we were able to talk about the way you were feeling, and discover we’d both been wanting to kiss each other.” She said. “I know, it didn’t end as we would’ve liked, but I enjoyed it while it was good.” She did her best to not make Lisa feel bad about it at all. “Although, considering how it ended, moving forward, I reckon you should be the one to decide when you’d like a kiss. And, we should keep an open dialogue about it. I don’t want to miss out on days of not kissing you again because we’re both too scared to discuss it.”

Lisa nodded. It was a good idea. Carla made perfect sense. If only Lisa didn’t have a crippling fear that Carla didn’t really want to touch her. If only she felt worthy of being near Carla at all. Carla didn’t spiral like this when she went through trauma. She spent a day or two upset about it, and then she fought with everything she had to get her life back. But Lisa didn’t have the energy to do so, and all the coffee in the world wouldn’t give it to her, it’d only make her heart beat even faster and make her panic over the smallest of things. Maybe that was the open dialogue bit Carla was talking about. She should tell her exactly how she felt about everything, but Carla had already given her reassurances, and she would just tell her the same thing again. 

“That sound good?” Carla asked. 

Lisa nodded sadly. She should be stronger. 

“What’s the matter?” She asked, noting the defeated look on Lisa’s face. 

“Nothing.” She set her coffee cup to the side and curled her knees up to her chest.

“Eh, open dialogue. Come on. Talk to me. You got a judgement free zone here. Say whatever is on your mind.”

Lisa ran her right thumb over her opposite thumb, around the nail bed back and forth. She should be stronger. Carla shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. Carla was being so nice to her, so patient. She’d waited a week to kiss her, only for Lisa to panic. She’d spent hours in that small room with her while the evidence was collected, then sat alone in a police station, and then held a shattered Lisa in her arms as she sobbed. There was nothing in it for Carla. She didn’t get a reward, and Lisa didn’t know if she’d ever even thanked her at all in the past week. She had done nothing wrong, except fall for a weak woman. She’d never in her life had a man… It was her first and hopefully only experience with… that.

“What’s in that head of yours?” Carla asked. 

She stared at her hands. “I was just thinking about how until that day, I’d never had a man… anywhere near there. In my whole adult life, as far as I can remember, no man has ever seen me undressed in any capacity. I go to women doctors and…”

Carla had never thought about that. This assault felt even more personal hearing that. Carla wondered if he knew that when he’d done it. It wasn’t likely. If he knew, he probably would’ve enjoyed it more, rubbed it in her face even, and as far as Carla knew, he hadn’t done.

“I tried to fight. I didn’t want this.”

“Course you didn’t.” Carla said. “And it wouldn’t matter if you didn’t fight.”

“But when I felt it first-” Her breath caught on a sob. 

Carla wanted to wrap her arms around Lisa, but she knew it was playing in her mind already, and if Carla touched her, she likely would only make everything worse. 

“I felt it, and I couldn’t move. It’d happened. I kept thinking, it’s happening. It’s actually happening to me.” She could remember the feeling so vividly. 

“I’m so sorry, Lisa.” She didn’t have any words that could possibly make it any better. This fucking sucked. That was all there was to it. They couldn’t fix it, They couldn’t have prevented it. Awful things just happened, and they had to deal with the aftermath of it. Try and rebuild their life the best they could. 

Lisa glanced up at Carla, but quickly returned her eyes to her hands. That hadn’t even been remotely what Carla was asking, but it was somehow easier to say, than to say out loud that she still didn’t feel worthy of Carla, that she wanted to hide alone in the bedroom until she felt better and not have to drag Carla down. So, she told Carla about one of the worst bits of the whole thing, and maybe then, she’d understand why she wasn’t worthy of her. Why she wouldn’t initiate a kiss with her, and why Carla wouldn’t want that, if she knew what Lisa had actually been through. 

“But, you know, if you had been with a man before, it wouldn’t make this any less traumatising.” Carla said. Maybe it was worse to know you’d willingly let him see and touch those parts of you. They’d never know because neither had been through both. Carla presumed it certainly made the self-hatred worse. 

“Course it would’ve. What are you saying?”

“I’m just saying!” Carla could feel her heart racing. “It’s all bad. No matter which way you look at it. If you slept with him before, if you never slept with a man, if you fought, if you froze, it will always feel like he took flaming everything! Because that’s what rape does!” She turned her pain into anger, her voice delivering the words harshly. 

Lisa could barely process the words, the only thing she understood was the tone, and Carla was angry. Lisa had made her angry, and she looked at her with wide eyes until there was a moment of silence and she got off the sofa and locked herself in the bathroom, her body trembling, unable to catch her breath as she sank to the floor. 

Carla held her head when she realised what she’d done. But in her defence, she had wanted to talk about being able to kiss her girlfriend, she hadn’t asked to hear what had been going through Lisa’s mind when she’d been raped. The information had overloaded her brain and she knew she didn’t have what it took to help Lisa through it. The tears came to her eyes, and she didn’t fight them, and instead spent her energy walking to the bathroom door. “Lisa, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, love.” She leaned against the door. “Please forgive me. Please, Lisa.”

Lisa had tears down her face, her body still trying to recognise that she wasn’t in any danger. “Please leave me alone.”

Carla covered her mouth, trying to hold in the sobs. She didn’t have what it took to help her girlfriend through this. She was hurting her. It was probable that she’d done worse than Peter ever had. Lisa deserved someone better to help her. 

Carla: Can you talk?

Michelle: I’m already here.

Carla opened the door, and Michelle handed her a takeaway bag when she made it to the door. “I thought you might need a meal, being that you can’t cook.”

Carla would’ve usually laughed, but it only reminded her of all the ways she’d failed Lisa. 

“Hey. Hey, what’s the matter?”

“I’m hurting her. I raised my voice and…”

Michelle took Carla in her arms. “Where is she?”

“She’s locked herself in the toilet.” Carla said and she led Michelle to the sofa. The shower was running, but she still lowered her voice so Lisa wouldn’t be able to hear if she tried to listen. “She was talking about… what happened, and I started to think of Frank, and how… I’d slept with him, and how I regret it. I lashed out when she didn’t deserve it. I can’t do this, Michelle. She needs someone better.”

“You’re exactly what she needs.” Michelle said. “Have you thought of telling her?”

“What she needs is counselling, not to hear that her blooming girlfriend was raped as well.”

“It would help her take your advice seriously. And she might think twice before saying something that might be triggering.”

“I want her to talk to me.” Carla said. 

“You want to raise your voice at her, and make her lock herself away from you again?”

Carla shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. Of course she didn’t want that, but it wasn’t the time to tell Lisa. Though Lisa had said Carla didn’t understand because she’d never been through it. As much as the comment had hurt Carla, and made her want to keep it a secret forever, it did sort of prove Michelle’s point that Lisa might listen to her advice more if she knew what Carla had been through. Everyone else on the cobbles already knew that she’d been through this, or she sort of assumed everyone knew because everyone knew someone who knew. But if her own girlfriend didn’t know… maybe there were more people who didn’t. Carla’s head snapped up when she saw movement from the doorway to her bedroom. “Lisa.” She popped up from the sofa and made her way to Lisa. 

“Sorry I overreacted.”

“You’re allowed. I shouldn’t’ve raised my voice, and I’m sorry.” She said. “Can I have a hug?”

“I need a little space for now.”

“Course.” Carla took a step back and then looked at Michelle who stood up. 

“I am going to get off. Enjoy your meal.” She wrapped her arms around Carla, hugging her extra tight for the hug she wasn’t going to get from her girlfriend. “Talk to her.” She whispered in her ear. She stepped out of the hug and looked at Lisa. “Take care, Lisa.”

Lisa tried to put on a professional face for Michelle, but the sadness she felt was too deep and she couldn’t fake it, so she ignored her completely. 

Carla locked the door behind Michelle and turned to Lisa. “I’m really sorry, Lisa.”

“She knows, doesn’t she?”

Carla nodded. “Love, he was arrested, in front of dozens of us. Nothing stays secret around here for long.” It was technically true, it just hadn’t been an appropriate and relevant answer to Lisa’s question. However, if Carla hadn’t told Michelle, she had no doubt she would’ve heard by then. 

Lisa paused for a moment. “I’m gonna head to bed.”

“It’s not even noon.”

“I barely slept last night. I can’t do this right now.”

“Would- I can sleep on the sofa, for the foreseeable. If… would that help you?”

“Nothing will help me.”

“Love, you need to see a counsellor.”

Lisa shook her head. 

“I can schedule the appointment. Lisa, I’m clearly no good at this, and you need someone who can help without making it worse.”

“As long as I can get some sleep, I don’t very much care.”

Carla nodded. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Lisa said and disappeared into the bedroom. 

Carla went to her bag and took out the card she’d received in hospital. She dialed the number. “Hi. Erm, You gave me your card about a week ago in hospital. My girlfriend was assaulted.”

“Are you a new client?”

“Well, I’ve been to the clinic, years ago. But it’s for my girlfriend. She was, erm, she was just raped and I reckon you lot would be of more help than I’ve been.” 

“I’m sorry about what you’re going through, would you like to book an appointment with one of our rape counsellors?” 

Carla already knew Lisa was going to hate this. It was robotic. As if they were reading from a carefully chosen and generic script designed to fit all people and upset the least amount of people. It was as if they googled, ‘what do you say to someone who has been raped’ and used the results to respond. Carla remembered when she’d called for herself and all she needed was for them to not make things worse, and they hadn’t, and they believed her, and that was all Carla was looking for. Maybe they actually were onto something. Maybe they’d be in a better place if Carla could tell Lisa, ‘I’m sorry about what you’re going through.’ Instead of raising her voice and telling Lisa it’d be traumatising no matter how it happened.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” Carla said when Lisa finally walked out of the bedroom and yawned at 3 pm. 

“Morning.” 

“Listen. I’ve booked an appointment for you with a rape counsellor in an hour.” 

“Oh. That’s not necessary. I’m all good now. Was just tired, is all.”

“Well, they’re going to charge me a thousand pounds if I cancel, so, you’re going, missus.” She said. Maybe if Lisa was made to go, she’d accept the help. Of course they wouldn’t charge her a thousand pounds, but if there was any part of Lisa that wanted to go, she’d go along with it and not fight it. Carla suspected that Lisa was only too stubborn to admit she needed help, and that was why she wouldn’t make the appointment. 

“I’ll get changed.” 

Carla felt the tears and relief come over her. Lisa was going to get better. She would have another person to talk to.

Lisa knew that talking to a counsellor was a condition of being permitted back to work, and that’s what she told herself to keep her from backing out. She walked into the office and took a seat. 

She looked around at her environment and her eyes caught the abstract painting of what appeared to be an ocean, though it could’ve been anything large and blue. 

“Lisa Swain?” 

The voice caught her attention and she looked at the woman in the room. She was tall. Well… taller than Lisa. She wore her several dark braids pulled back into a ponytail with her two front braids left out. Lisa couldn’t help but notice the woman wore her hair similarly to how Lisa used to. Back when she had the energy to do her hair at all. The past couple days, the closest her hair got to being done was the couple minutes a day Lisa could tolerate Carla running her fingers through it. 

“I’m Chani. It’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry it had to be under these circumstances.” 

Lisa wanted to challenge her and ask what circumstances those were, and make this woman say it to her face what they both knew she went through, just because of where they were. Then, she also wanted to pull herself together and shake this woman’s hand and tell her she didn’t need to be sorry because Lisa was doing just fine. She found middle ground in sitting tall in the chair and offering a smile. “Let’s get this over with, eh?” 

“Let me explain how this works, alright?” Chani said. “I’m a psychologist, so we can talk about anything, and my job is meant to provide you with tools to help you cope with what you’re going through. Some people prefer to come twice a week immediately after the incident, and then go down to once a week once they feel they are on steady ground.”

“What incident?” She couldn’t resist. This woman was acting like she knew everything about her and her experience. Lisa hadn’t told her anything about it. What if she’d been raped by a bunch of guys she worked with on the edge of the rooftop of a 30 story building while they wore costumes of all the characters from Star Wars? How would that be anything like what she was going through now? What if she’d been passed out and couldn’t remember anything? How was that at all similar to her now having to see it on repeat? What if it’d been a family member? There were a million ways it could’ve happened, and until this woman knew her story, she had no idea what she was talking about.

“I did meet you briefly when you were in hospital.” Chani said. 

Lisa wondered how much they knew. If the hospital had told her anything about what Lisa had said, any of the evidence that’d been collected. Maybe they’d even sent the results of the evidence they’d collected. Maybe Chani knew everything.

Carla had used the time to pop in at the factory and ensure Michelle and Sarah had everything under control. 

“Oh. And I heard...” Were the first words Carla heard when she walked into the factory. So much for her attempting to whisper. “…that DS Swain…” 

Sean cleared his throat, trying to signal to Sally that she needed to stop talking. 

“…has gone completely mad, and that’s why her daughter had to leave.” 

“Sally.” Carla said with her arms crossed and watched her whip around. “If you’re going to spend the time I am paying for, to spread gossip about my girlfriend, you can find someone else’s dime to do that on. Got it?” 

“Yes, Missus Connor.” 

“Get back to work.” Carla said and turned to walk away. She heard Sean’s snicker and she turned back around to see Sally and Sean both attempt to hold in their laughs. “You lot think this is funny?” 

“No. Course not.” Sally said.

Carla couldn’t stand to look at their faces. Especially Sally who had also been the first one to betray her and take her rapist’s side. Lisa didn’t need that anywhere near her. “Go on, Sally. You’re sacked.”

“But Missus Connor…”

“I’ve been in here for…” She checked the time. “About ten minutes now and haven’t seen you sew a single stitch. In my book, that’s time theft.” 

Sean hurriedly turned to his machine and began to stitch the pair of knickers he’d been working on.

“Get lost, Sally.” Carla said and walked off to the office where Sarah and Michelle were. 

“I didn’t know you’d be in today.” Michelle said. 

“Well it’s a blooming good thing I did because someone’s got to run this place. You two are clearly incapable.” 

“We’re on pace to fill our orders-” Sarah started to explain. 

“I walk in, and MY staff is gossiping about me and Lisa.” 

“Who’d you sack?” Michelle asked. 

“Sally.”

“You can’t sack Sally. She’s our top machinist.” Sarah said.

“Actually, last I checked, Sarah, this is my factory so I can sack whoever I’d like. If you have a problem with that, there’s the door.” 

Michelle only looked between them, knowing better than to challenge Carla at all when her life was less than perfect. Other people never seemed to learn. Besides, Carla never should’ve given Sally her job back years ago, and Carla was feeling the effects of that now.

“After hearing what you’ve said today, I’m going to refer you to the psychiatrist.” 

“No. I don’t need that. I need to get back to work.” She needed something to occupy her mind besides the one event that continuously tortured her. 

“I’m also going to recommend we meet once a week.” 

Lisa could feel her plan slipping. She’d tried to shove her emotions down and act like she was fine. How could Chani see she wasn’t? “What do you mean after what I’ve said today?” 

Chani looked at Lisa and leaned forward, delivering the words softly. “You can’t talk about it. You’re picking your nails.”

Lisa looked down at her hands and saw blood from one of her nails she’d picked too much. 

“This thing you’ve been through is not something most people bounce back from. It’s going to be a process. But I’m here to help you through it. It’ll take some time, but I can tell you’re a strong woman. You’ll get through this.” 

“If I were to tell you everything that’s happened, would you sign off?” 

“It’s not that simple.” 

“So what is it I need to do? Tell me, so I can do it.” 

“It’s not only about what you do, but also how.” She said. “I’m sorry you don’t like my suggestion, but maybe if you open up to this process, it’ll really help you, not just get through the day, but actually thrive and live a life you love.” 

Lisa wanted to believe that was possible. But her world had gone from being the most colourful and vibrant of rainbows to being a black and white film with a camera operator who didn’t know how to pull focus. So her world was a blurry grey. There was no possibility she could go back to her old life.

Chapter Text

“How’d therapy go?”

“I believe that’s confidential.” Lisa said playfully. She didn’t want to admit she’d failed. She’d gone to get cleared for her job and ended up being referred to a psychiatrist and told she needed weeks of treatment. She wondered if there was a way to hide it from everyone until she was cleared to return to work. If there was any chance at that happening, she needed to act like she could stand on her own two feet. That way, Carla would feel comfortable enough to get back to bossing everyone around at the factory. 

“I’m proud of you for going.”

“Should we stop by the Rovers for a nice tall glass of whisky?” 

“Whisky? It was that bad?” 

“Bad? I just want to do summat normal.” 

“Course we can go.” Carla said and she and Lisa made their way to the pub, hand in hand as they walked in. Lisa took a seat in the last remaining booth. “I’ll get our drinks. Be right back.” 

Lisa nodded. She could feel the eyes on her. Every person was whispering. She’d heard her name several times. She wondered if that was what everyone talked about all the time now. If every minute of the day, people were saying, “Did you hear what happened to DS Swain?” or “DS Swain was raped just over there. In the alley, behind the bin.”

She scooted to the edge of the booth, ready to walk up to Carla and forget the whole thing, when she saw him. Her heart raced in her chest and she couldn’t breathe. But she was in public. She couldn’t fall apart. He was there. She had to fight, or it’d happen again. She knew logically that he wouldn’t rape her in the Rovers, where people could see, not that he hadn’t already been bold enough to do it outdoors in the daylight. But it had happened too fast to get that message to her conscience mind in the moment. She needed to run away or fight. She couldn’t stand up or she’d run into him. She scooted back further into the booth. She wanted to look away before he saw her and hide her face, but that would mean taking her eyes off of him, and she had to know where he was at all times. She wanted to call for Carla, but he’d hear her. Plus, she was the copper. She was the person who was meant to protect all these people from men like him. She could feel her pulse racing and if it beat any harder, she feared it’d come right out of her chest. So, she looked at him with wide eyes, shallow breaths, her pulse racing, and hands trembling. Then, he turned his head. Course he did. Her eyes were burning into him, he had to of felt it. She held her breath and glanced at Carla hoping Carla would be safe. If she saw him in here, she’d confront him, and Lisa wanted her safe. She looked back at his face. The one that hadn’t left her mind since it’d happened, but seeing it in person was still a thousand times harder than only seeing it in her mind. She couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw his lips twitch up and form a smile across his face before he continued out of the pub. 

“Thank you, Ryan. You’re an angel.” She said when he’d brought her an extra tall drink for Lisa as she’d requested. 

“Erm, Carla.”

“What?” 

Ryan nodded to Lisa. “She doesn’t look well.”

Carla whipped her head around to see her girlfriend in the booth, subtly trying to catch her breath, but her wide eyes told Carla everything she needed to know. 

She knew what the smile meant. He saw her. He saw her for how weak she was. He’d broke her, and he was proud of that because now he’d always have that power over her. Even the sight of him could turn her to bits in a moment. He knew. He knew he could return at any point and do it all over again and she would be too weak to stop it. Again. 

“Lisa. Are you alright?” Carla scooted into the booth with both of their drinks in her hand. “Lisa, honey, what’s happened?” Carla gently laid a hand over Lisa’s that gripped the front of the booth. “Lisa.” She could feel her trembling. “Let’s get you outta here, yeah?” She tried, but Lisa didn’t move. “Love, talk to me.” 

“Missus Connor.” Carla heard the voice from behind her. 

“Flaming do one, Sally.” She snapped. She wanted to build a wall and take Lisa out of that pub from the prying, gossiping lot that didn’t care about Lisa more than they cared about having the latest gossip. “Love, let’s go on to the flat, yeah?”

Lisa looked at the drinks in front of them, and she took the whisky and downed the entire glass before she could even think of talking. She looked at her concerned girlfriend’s face and back to where he had stood moments ago, now replaced by Sally’s prying eyes. “Make them go.” She whispered. 

Carla turned to see several people had stopped everything to watch Lisa and she stood from the booth. “You lot can flaming do one! This isn’t the flaming theatre. Get off! Go on and live your own life, and give us the humanity of a shred of privacy!” She yelled. They all stared at Carla in shock as if they’d never heard her yell before. “Get out! Get out of the flaming pub! Get off the flaming earth if you can’t respect our space!” She yelled and received a look from Ryan, but the rest of them scarpered. She turned back to Lisa, immediately going soft again. “They’re gone.”

“He was here.”

“Who?” Carla asked before it clicked. 

“That bloke. The one…” She stopped herself before saying the words. If she’d said it, she would have fallen apart and she was already failing enough at holding herself together. “He smiled at me.” Lisa had tears in her eyes that she’d tried to hide with her bangs. She looked so small and so sad when she said the words. 

“He can’t do that. I’ll call the police.” Carla said and she pulled out her phone. She was sick to her stomach, knowing that he’d showed up there and had the audacity to smile at her girlfriend, and Carla had been feet away with her back turned. 

“I need another drink.” She’d need it when her coworkers arrived to once again talk about the man who’d assaulted her. She couldn’t pull herself together, so it was best she got blathered and could blame any crying or unprofessionalism on that. She watched Carla on the phone, and she wished she hadn’t suggested to go to the pub and do something normal for once. She wished she’d allowed herself space from the rest of the world where she could fall apart, not that she’d need to if she hadn’t run into him. 

Carla hung up the phone and turned to Lisa. “You alright, love?” 

Lisa scooted closer to Carla in the booth, hoping for Carla to initiate more contact than just touching her hand. It worked. Carla’s arm slid behind Lisa and she pulled her in. Lisa rested her head on Carla’s shoulder and she closed her eyes for a moment, taking in the safety she felt in her arms. After a couple seconds though, she felt the eyes on her and she pulled her head away and opened her eyes. 

“You okay?” Carla whispered. 

Lisa looked at Carla’s lips and she knew Carla had told her she could initiate it, but she wondered if she truly meant it, and didn’t say it in hopes that Lisa would be too traumatised to do it. She saw her lips twitch up and looked up to her eyes. Carla was watching her stare at her lips and she’d… been happy about it? Lisa needed the closeness that a kiss brought. She needed to be reminded that she was loved while she was at one of her lowest points. Carla seemed to be okay with it so Lisa reached over and planted her lips on Carla’s for a short moment. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

Carla felt the tears come to her eyes. She’d done something right. She pulled Lisa in closer with the arm that was wrapped around her. The sadness from Lisa spread through Carla’s entire body and she knew Lisa felt it ten times worse. Why had this happened to Lisa? 

Lisa pulled out of the hug and protection, wishing they were at the flat and she could sit in her arms for hours without anyone trying to decipher how traumatised she was. 

“Detective Sergeant.” Lisa heard the voice and took a sip from the new drink Ryan brought over. They joined Carla and Lisa on the opposite side of the booth. “Carla says you saw him?”

Lisa nodded and took a sip of the drink. “He was here. Carla and I were grabbing a drink, and he…” She could feel the alcohol hit and her mind spin for a moment. “He looked over at me.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

“He smiled.”

“He didn’t make any physical contact?”

“The way he smiled, he may as well have.” She felt Carla grab her hand under the table and Lisa squeezed it. “The way- he’ll come after me.”

“DS Swain. You know how this process works. We can’t arrest him because you happened to run into him. Especially, after a few drinks.”

“Now. Hold on.” Carla became defensive. “Lisa saw him before she was drinking. He knows this street is where we live and work. Course it was intentional.”

“We can’t prove that.”

“You people are useless.”

“Carla!” Lisa said, offended by the statement. 

“How are any of us meant to feel safe when you can’t even protect one of your own!”

“Carla.” Lisa said. 

“We’re doing everything we can.”

“You’ve done nothing!” Carla said. 

“We’ve arrested him.”

“And let him go! This man is a danger!” Carla said, only getting more worked up. “What’s the point in all this when you never do your job.”

Lisa shook her head. “Carla, stop. Let’s go.” She scooted toward Carla in the booth, pushing her out. 

Carla stormed off to their flat, Lisa close behind. 

“Carla. They’re only doing their job!” She said as she walked in and closed the door behind her. 

“By letting him come back and torment you? Where’s the justice?”

“They took the report in case it happens again, and we can prove a pattern. He walked out seconds after he saw me. We can’t very well prove anything.” 

Carla nodded and held her hand to her forehead. “It’s gonna happen again, innit?” She said. This was all going down the same path, the police keeping their distance, when someone who’d just been raped was scared and needed protecting. 

“What?”

“He’s gonna walk free.” 

Lisa felt the air leave her lungs. If he was not put behind bars, if he was allowed to roam the earth, he’d come back for her. Carla was supposed to be the one to assure her that’d never happen, and she’d be safe. But even her unconditionally supportive girlfriend didn’t believe he’d go to prison. The fear coursed through her veins and a chill ran down her spine. It was going to happen to her again. Then possibly even again, until he was finally convicted. Maybe he’d even come after Carla. That’d be a right nightmare. 

Carla should’ve known. She should’ve known better than to think they’d ever get justice. She’d been down this road before and she’d been blamed and called a liar, so what made this any different? Because everyone knew Lisa was in a relationship? Because she was an out lesbian copper? Carla had been naïve to think that this would go any differently. Him being released on bail should’ve been her first sign that every case went exactly the same. Perform the exam. Make you feel safe and like you’ll be taken care of. Arrest him and make you feel like the police have your back. Then release him on bail, but assure you he’ll be locked up again. He comes back and police claim they can do nothing. Then they victim blame and rip the story apart until he is ensured that he will never have any freedoms revoked ever again. How did she support Lisa through this, knowing how it would end, or rather, that it wouldn’t end? 

“Carla.” Lisa felt an overwhelming sense of fear that paralysed her. That fear she’d felt when she’d spotted him in the pub, it would become her new normal. He’d come around every day, just to keep her in check. 

“Oh. Come here.” Carla walked over to her girlfriend who stood frozen in the middle of the flat, tears down her cheeks and her eyes wide. “Come here.” She wrapped her arms around her. She’d done it again. She’d made it worse. Though, she could argue she’d only prepared her for what was to come. But she was the reason the tears were on Lisa’s cheeks. She pulled Lisa in, resting Lisa’s head on her chest and then rubbing her hand down her back. “I won’t let him hurt you again. I promise.” She also made a silent promise to Lisa that she wouldn’t allow her own trauma to harm her again. She was over it. It’d happened nearly 14 years ago, she’d stopped having nightmares and receiving help long ago. 

Only five years prior, she’d received a bit of help after she’d learnt about what happened during her psychotic episode, and it’d affected her more than she’d let on. Her and Peter’s relationship had nearly fallen apart because he knew what she’d gone through, and when Carla took months to actually use the word ‘rape’ about the incident, he’d eventually acted like it was consensual. He’d brought it up in a row, throwing it back in her face as if he wasn’t the first person to call it rape. She never could say the word to him after that. To this day, she had never used the word rape when talking to Peter about Jordan. Maybe… maybe that was why she found it so hard to tell Lisa. Lisa had already thrown the fact that she’d never been raped in her face, so who was to say she wouldn’t do it if she knew she had been. Peter found it an effective way to silence Carla. To make himself look like a martyr for staying with her and not complaining. She knew Lisa better than to think she’d ever intentionally use it against her, especially with the intention of hurting her. But Lisa hadn’t been herself as of late. She was more emotional and often angry… and Carla was plagued by the memories of secretly making an appointment with a rape counsellor, and after a couple of weeks of counselling, finally saying it out loud and uttering that word for the first time about that incident. Only for Peter to say she’d slept with him the very next day. Carla promised she’d never make Lisa feel bad about leaning on Carla for support, or use it against her in any way. She couldn’t even imagine. She couldn’t imagine telling Lisa that she’d slept with that vile man. It only made her realise her relationship with Peter had been more volatile than Carla had given it credit for. Just because she didn’t end up curled up on the floor after Jordan, it didn’t make it any less of a rape, and Peter had no right to say what he did, no matter how upset he’d been. 

Several minutes had passed as they stood in the middle of the flat, both lost in their thoughts until Lisa finally pulled away and wrapped her arms around her midsection. “I need to have a shower.”

“Lisa.”

Lisa only looked at Carla sadly and turned away. 

“Lisa. We should talk about this.”

Lisa turned back around. “Should we? I thought that’s what the rape counsellor was for. So you didn’t have to deal with this?”

Carla was taken aback. “I’m trying to help! I don’t know how to help you.” Her voice cracked when the words made their way out. 

“That’s more than clear.”

“I’m doing my best. I’ll make mistakes and get it wrong. I’ve done more than my share today, but I will not stop trying to be here for you.” 

The silence lingered for several long moments before Lisa finally spoke. “I need to have a shower.”

“Can we talk after?”

“Course.” Lisa said and she finally walked away and was able to hide behind a closed door. She didn’t want to have that conversation with Carla. They’d already had it. But she also couldn’t hide how dirty she felt because she NEEDED to shower. Especially, after seeing him, it’d only made every cell he’d left behind on her body make it’s way to the surface, invading her skin and all of her organs all over again. His eyes. When Lisa looked into his eyes, she could’ve sworn she’d felt him on her again. She wished she didn’t have to have this talk with Carla, but she at least could take as long as she needed in the shower to prepare herself. 

On the other side of the door, Carla did her best to prepare herself to hear the worst from Lisa. If Lisa wanted to tell her any details, Carla had to listen and not react. “I’m sorry that happened.” Carla practiced saying in a calm manner. If anything triggered her, she’d say, “I’m sorry that happened” in a calm and collected manner, take a deep breath, and continue to listen. That’s all she had to do. Listen and not react. It sounded so simple, but it was more difficult every moment because the more Lisa talked about it, the more she struggled, and it only continued to trigger more memories of Frank. 

Carla tried to keep herself busy, but mostly ended up texting Betsy. 

Betsy: How’s my mum? 

Carla: Today's been a challenge, but she’s tough. She’s getting through.

Betsy: challenge how?

Carla: She saw him. At the pub.

Betsy: where were you?

Carla: I was there. I’m doing my best, Betsy. 

Betsy: she always says she’s fine, but she needs protecting sometimes, you know.

Carla: I know. He didn’t lay a finger on her. It’s just a tricky thing your mum is dealing with and there are going to be challenging days, but she will get through them, and she’ll have some days she feels she’s making progress, only for it to feel like it’s all gone down the swanny the next day. She’s going to have bad days, and that’s just part of it. I’m doing my best to protect her from what I can, but I can’t protect her from that. 

Carla: Are you learning lots over there?

Betsy: So much. It’s doing my head in. 

Carla: Good. Concentrate on learning. I’ll concentrate on your mum.

Lisa finally walked out of the bathroom and took a seat next to Carla. She was ready for this. “Go on. What’d you want to say?”

Chapter Text

Lisa finally walked out of the bathroom and took a seat next to Carla. She was ready for this. “Go on. What’d you want to say?”

Carla took a breath and reminded herself to keep her cool. She rested a hand on Lisa’s arm, moving her hand there slowly, and ensuring Lisa knew it was coming before they made contact. “Love, you’ve been showering two or three times a day. Ever since it happened.”

Lisa nodded. She knew that. Did Carla have a point, or did she just want to point out the ways the assault had changed her? Did she also want to tell her she had slept on the sofa? That she’d kissed Carla three times since then? That she used to always want Carla’s hugs, or any sort of contact with her, but sometimes now it made her skin crawl? Was Carla going to also mention they hadn’t had sex since it happened, and that was the longest they’d ever gone without sex in their relationship? Was she also going to mention how she was on edge every time someone rang the buzzer? Lisa knew the assault had changed her, and she didn’t need to always talk about it. However, Carla had let a lot of those changes go without mentioning them. She knew Carla saw it, but this was the only thing she brought up. She could talk about this one thing, if that’s all they were to talk about. 

“I just want to tell you, you can talk to me about why that is. What you’re feeling that’s making you feel as if you need to shower that much.” Carla opened the conversation, and all she really had to do was listen and not react. 

“I feel dirty, Carla.” She told herself when she’d been in the shower, that she wasn’t going to cry, but she felt the tears building. “I’ve told you this.” She said. “I can’t stop feeling dirty. When I saw him today… I didn’t only see him. I could feel him. Feel it happening. My body…” She closed her eyes and the tears fell. She opened her mouth to speak, but instead she gasped for air, the lump in her throat too big. She opened her teary eyes and managed to see Carla open her arms for her and Lisa scooted closer so she could lay her head on Carla’s chest. She could hear Carla’s heart racing and she moved her head up towards her shoulder until she could no longer hear it. The rhythm only made her own heart match it. “It’s like he won’t come off. And I keep trying, I keep showering hoping eventually he won’t be all over me.” She lifted her head up. Carla had provided adequate comfort, and it was turning to suffocation. Lisa peeled the rest of her body away from Carla’s, but allowed Carla to still hold her hand. “I want to be clean for you, Carla. But it’s like I’m being contaminated from the inside. Areas I can’t wash, he’s still there. He’s swimming around in my organs and I will never be clean.” 

Carla had to remind herself to keep her head. She knew Lisa needed a response. All Carla could think of was the comment about him swimming in her organs. Carla knew firsthand how disgusting it felt. How powerless it felt to already have something unwanted inside you, but then to feel the fluid and know he enjoyed it, know there was still a chance you could become pregnant even with the morning after pill, but also feel the fluid tack to your skin and know it was deep inside you as well. Carla knew that feeling of her body being so disgusting she wanted to rip her own skin off. 

But Lisa was far from disgusting. She could never be. Not in Carla’s eyes. She’d wrapped Lisa in her arms immediately after it happened, and she’d do it again. “I’m sorry that happened.” She knew Lisa needed more than that, but she wasn’t capable of that without potentially falling apart. 

“So you can understand why I have to shower. Why I can’t kiss you.”

Carla knew the default phrase wouldn’t work for that. She had to think her words through carefully. She turned fully towards Lisa on the sofa and grabbed both of Lisa’s hands in hers and took a breath while she sorted the words out in her head. “I know it feels that way. But I promise you. You’re not unclean.” She said slowly, triple checking the words were the right ones before she said them. “You feel this way because of what he did, not because it’s true.”

“I don’t want him to touch you.” She said in a small voice. 

“He’s not on you, love. Besides, he were a client at the factory. I shook his hand, and I washed them immediately after. So I’m clear of him. As are you.”

Lisa nodded. It made sense. She knew it did, but her body just felt uninhabitable after the assault. 

“I know that knowing is different from feeling, but whenever you need reassurance, or a distraction, I’ll be here to give it to you. I know it can get in that head of yours and that’s how it gets bad, right?”

Lisa nodded. She hadn’t noticed that before. But she usually felt dirty when she pulled away from Carla, or she had been left alone for a moment, or had stayed up all night remembering it. When they were eating dinner together and Lisa stayed engaged in the conversation, she didn’t want to crawl out of her own skin. Maybe Carla was onto something and it was entirely psychological. 

“If you’re ever doubting that I want to kiss you, all you’ve got to do is ask. I can guarantee I’ve likely been holding back.” 

Lisa caught Carla looking at her lips. It felt like a test to see if Lisa had heard the words, and she had. She heard Carla, and accepted that she was right about this. But… she couldn’t kiss her. “I can’t kiss you right now. Not because I feel dirty. Because… I don’t want to kiss you when I’m thinking of him. That doesn’t seem fair.”

“I get it. It’s okay.” Carla pulled Lisa’s hands towards her and Lisa brought her whole body in, wrapping her arms around Carla. Carla ran her hand down Lisa’s hair and weaved it between her fingers. She missed the feel of her hair, the comfort of her body being pressed against hers. Carla hadn’t realised how much of her sanity was dependent on those little things. 

“I love you, Carla.” 

“I love you too.” Carla laid a kiss on the top of Lisa’s head. 

Lisa closed her eyes and snuggled in closer to Carla.

When it came time to go to bed, Carla grabbed her pillow as Lisa finished brushing her teeth. “Where you off to?” Lisa asked. 

“I’m going to sleep on the sofa. Or maybe Betsy’s room.”

“Absolutely not. This is your bed.”

“You need your rest. I’m fine. It’ll do me some good to test out the accommodations I offer my guests.” She gave a small chuckle. 

“No. Carla… I want to sleep next to you.”

Carla couldn’t help but to crack a smile. “Yeah?”

“I missed you last night.” 

Carla wanted to kiss this woman from head to toe. “You’re not just saying that to get me into bed with you?”

Lisa smiled. “Please. Stay.”

“If you feel uncomfortable at all, you let me know, and I’ll go in the other room. Alright?”

“Deal.” 

“If I wake up and you didn’t tell me, I’m not getting into bed with you again for a very long time.” She said in a light tone, though she meant the words. If Lisa could communicate with her, which she’d seemed to be doing better at, they could make it work and spend as much time together in that bed as Lisa could stand. 

Carla set her pillow back at the head of the bed and she crawled under the covers. She watched Lisa do the same on the opposite side and turned off the lamp. “Goodnight, love.” Carla said from her side of the bed, yearning for the day she’d get a goodnight kiss and more to follow. Even a goodnight hug. One day it’d all feel normal again, but it was killing Carla that she had no idea how long she’d have to wait. 

Lisa shifted in the bed, scooting well onto Carla’s side until their bodies were pressed together. She slid her hand under Carla’s top, touching the skin just above the waistband. She felt Carla melt into the touch and there was no doubt in her mind that Carla wanted to be kissed. So, she reached over and brought her lips to Carla’s. 

Carla couldn’t help but let out a small moan. It was so much more than she’d expected from Lisa and she craved for more. She received another long kiss from her. This was the Lisa she’d missed. 

“Goodnight.” Lisa whispered and she nestled her head on Carla’s chest, her hand still on her waist and she closed her eyes. 

Carla felt the tears come. Lisa was trying so hard to be a good girlfriend for her and Carla just wanted to tell her that no matter what, she was a better partner than Carla had ever had or could ever be. Lisa’s hand on her skin made her crave for so much more, but she closed her eyes and she took in the feel of her hand, of her body, of her breath. It felt so good to be that close to her again, and she’d never again take it for granted.

Lisa walked into the factory, her phone in her hand with a message from Carla saying to meet her there. She brought with her a single flower and she walked into the office. “Carla. I got your text. I-” She stopped when the chair spun around and Graham sat in the chair instead. She looked around. That was when she saw Carla tied up, her clothes were disheveled and her hair was a mess. She fought against the restraints, unable to speak. “What’d you do? What’d you do?” Lisa asked, and he stood from the desk. She needed to get to Carla and free her. How had he been able to do this in a glass office? Lisa looked around and saw every employee of Underworld, everyone on the cobbles, all of them on the other side of the glass, staring at her, just watching. Lisa darted for Carla, but she could only move in slow motion, and he caught her. Graham grabbed her ankle and pulled her down, Lisa fought him as he pinned her. She looked for help among the staring faces, but they all just stared at her. Unmoving. Carla was the only one who even tried to fight, but her limbs were bound. Lisa tried to reach for her and release her. At least if this was going to happen again, Carla should be free, she should be able to run off and not have to watch it. But… she felt him pound into her. 

Her body jolted awake, her eyes wide. 

“You alright, love?” 

Lisa looked up to see she was still in Carla’s arms. Carla was there. Unharmed. “Are you? You’re alright?”

“Course I am.” Carla sat up, seeing Lisa’s distress over it. “Hey. You’re alright. It was just a nightmare.” 

Lisa could hardly breathe. Carla hadn’t been raped. She hadn’t been raped again. Everyone was safe. At least for now. 

“Would you like to talk about it?”

Lisa knew she should, but how could she tell her that she’d dreamt of Carla being raped. As if it was something she wanted to happen. A dream was supposed to reflect your goals, your idea of an ideal life. She had to stop and ask herself if her subconscious for some reason wanted Carla to have been raped? Of course she would never want her to go through that, but perhaps her subconscious could see how much easier it would be if she had a partner who knew exactly how to guide her. Someone Lisa could trust to lead her in the right direction. Someone who could make her feel like she wasn’t the only person in the world who was weak enough to let this happen. It would be cruel and selfish to wish for something like that happening, and to be clear, she didn’t wish for it. Her mind was only trying to deal with this massive thing that’d happened to her and make sense of it all, figure out what could possibly make any of it any better. She’d also dreamt of herself being raped again, and she knew she didn’t want that. But maybe her subconscious was only hoping that he’d show his true colours again, show her that he would come back to attack her so her fears of him returning every day didn’t feel unfounded. At least if he tried to attack her again, she’d know she had every right to be scared and cling onto Carla so she wouldn’t have to ever face him alone again. 

“Hey.” Carla said softly. “You can tell me.”

Lisa bit her lip and shook her head. 

“Course you can. It’s the best way to get over a nightmare. You’ve got to say it out loud.”

Lisa looked at Carla’s concerned face. She much preferred that face over the one she’d seen in her dream. Just looking at her though reminded her of it. “I can’t.”

“No judgement. I promise. If you’re not going back to the counsellor, you’ve got to learn to talk to me.” She reminded herself she couldn’t react, no matter what Lisa said. 

“I’ve got to go back anyway. They want me mentally cleared before I return to work, and I guess that means a couple more meetings.”

“You don’t have to protect me, love.” Carla said. She could see Lisa’s mind working, wanting to talk about it, but for whatever reason she was holding back. She had tears in her eyes and her voice shook when she spoke. If Carla had to guess, she’d say, it’d happened all over again in the nightmare, and Carla knew the only way to get over nightmares and get them to stop happening was to talk about them. Carla was no stranger to nightmares. For some reason, most of the times she endured a trauma, she could get through the day just fine, but as soon as her head hit the pillow, all bets were off. 

Carla remembered one time after Rob had kidnapped her, and she was in hospital. Lisa had been nearly asleep in the chair beside her. As soon as Carla had drifted off to sleep, she saw Mandy and Rob, trying to figure out their plan, Mandy with a gun. Then Tony walked in, his gun pointed at her. Rob tried to tell Tony to leave, and actually started to act like her brother who cared about her again, but Tony walked right up and held the gun until the nozzle was pressed against her forehead. Carla had made a smart comment and a gun went off. She had startled awake before she could find out if Mandy had shot Tony, or if he’d shot her, which in her mind, she knew was the case. 

“Hey. Hey. You’re safe, Carla.” She remembered Lisa’s soft voice the second her eyes opened. 

“He shot me.” Carla hadn’t had nightmares since she and Lisa had been together, but after years of experience, she knew she needed to talk about it, whether she called Michelle or what, but she wouldn’t sleep until she talked about it because it was the only way for it to not feel real or have any power over her. 

“Rob?”

“Tony.” Carla said. 

“Who’s Tony?”

“My ex-husband. Second one. He held Hayley and I at gunpoint in the factory years ago. But he was there. He held the gun to my head.” She had reached her hand to touch the spot on her forehead the gun had been pressed against. “He pulled the trigger.” 

“Oh, love.” Lisa had said. “I promise, no one is going to hurt you. Not with me around.” She’d given Carla a kiss on her forehead. 

Carla scooted over in the bed. “Can you hold me?” She reached for Lisa and Lisa had climbed in the bed with her, and every night after that, Carla invited her to join her in the hospital bed. She barely slept, but it helped knowing Lisa was close, and that she hadn’t run a mile after Carla showed her that she was far from being okay. After that and being held hostage Carla had her share of nightmares and Lisa was there for all but one. It was Carla’s turn to do the same for Lisa. 

“Come on. Out with it. I’ve told you all mine.” Carla said. 

Lisa looked at Carla sadly. She had promised not to judge her. Plus, Carla was sort of the expert on nightmares. She’d had several over their time together. Sometimes Carla had even woken Lisa up to talk about hers because she swore it was the only way to no longer be scared of it. She took a breath and looked down at the bedding. “He’d raped you.”

Carla closed her eyes and she felt her heart drop. She could absolutely not burden Lisa with her own trauma any time soon. That was made more than clear. 

“He had you tied up, and I tried to free you, but… he grabbed me and… everyone was watching and no one tried to help. You were there and… everyone saw and he started raping me.” 

Carla wanted to say something helpful, so she let the heaviness in the room settle for a moment. Lisa played with the edge of the sheet, and didn’t say more, didn’t even look at her. Carla tried to dissect the meaning of the nightmare. “Do you feel it has to do with the pub? Because no one helped you, and I was otherwise occupied?”

That would make more sense than what Lisa had thought of. She nodded. “That’s likely all it was.”

“Not all. Don’t minimise it. You were retraumatised yesterday.”

“I’m sorry, Carla. I never meant to dream of you…”

“Course you didn’t. We’re both safe though, alright?”

“Yeah.” Lisa closed her eyes and laid her head on Carla’s chest. 

Carla held Lisa in her arms and rested her cheek on the top of Lisa’s head. Her girlfriend was going through a world of pain, and traumatised more than Carla thought Lisa could be. Carla had always seen Lisa as the invincible one. The copper. The one who was hurt and closed herself off in her cocoon for a few days and emerged even stronger than before. This was the first time Lisa had let Carla into the cocoon and it was full of pain and self-blame and incredibly dark. This transformation would take much longer than a few days, and maybe that was why Carla had been allowed in. Lisa was scared to be in the darkness alone. She probably always had been, but never wanted anyone in on how dark her mind went when she spiraled. Carla was just grateful Lisa had let her in so Carla could help her navigate all of it. 

Chapter Text

“I’ve been thinking and… how would you feel if I were to quit my job?” Lisa suddenly asked, sitting at the table as Carla brought the food Michelle had left them over to the table. 

“What? Where’s this coming from?” Carla asked. She’d be lying if she said the thought didn’t bring her relief. Though, she wanted to be sure this was Lisa talking and not just the trauma. 

Lisa shrugged. For one, it’d mean she didn’t have to humiliate herself by going to a psychiatrist only to be told she was mad and given medication that rendered her useless. Another, it meant she didn’t have to see that rape counsellor anymore and try and convince her she was fine when the woman picked up on everything. Plus, her job, the potential of being hurt again was a burden on Carla and Betsy. She didn’t want them to have to pick up the pieces again. As much as she knew it’d do her some good to get back some normalcy, it just didn’t feel worth it. “You know as well as I do that it’s not practical.” 

“Where would you work? Or would you be my housewife?” 

Lisa cracked a smile at the word, even though nothing could sound less appealing than being a housewife. But being Carla’s wife did sound quite appealing. Just the word ‘wife’ coming from Carla’s lips felt so right. 

“Or maybe trophy wife. You are younger than me and way out my league.” Carla joked. 

Lisa fiddled with the mug in her hands. “Haven’t thought it that far out.” 

“Just promise me that you won’t let the trauma make the decision.” Carla said. “Make sure you have a clear head. Take as much time as they’ll allow, no need to rush in telling them, alright?” 

Lisa nodded. She didn’t forsee herself changing her mind on this, but she trusted Carla’s advice and there was no harm in waiting. 

“As much as it would ease my worries, I don’t want you to regret the decision.” Besides, people are killed in every job. Or at home, or just walking the blooming street. Loads of people die every day doing random things. Carla would never not worry about Lisa making it home safe, no matter her job. 

“I don’t think I could cope if it were to happen again.” 

“You’d manage. You’d already have all the tools you’d need to get through and you’d go to them quicker rather than waiting until it got too overwhelming to deal with.” She gave Lisa a look that told both of them she was talking about seeing the rape counsellor. That was something that could really help Lisa and Lisa had been so resistant to go. Carla wished she could make her see how much it could actually benefit her, but all she could do was go and see for herself. 

“I don’t wish to go back.”

“I know it’s a bit intimidating. But do you think you could do it for me? To ease my worry. Sometimes I feel as if it’s all down to me, how your recovery goes. And I’m worried I might fail you.” Carla said, and the words were true, but it was mostly because she knew how it’d helped her. Would Lisa take everything she had to say more seriously if she knew? Likely. But the act of sitting Lisa down and dumping this on her when she was barely getting out of bed each morning seemed cruel. If only she’d told her before any of it had happened. She’d told her about bits of her past here and there, mostly as things were relevant, and mostly about grief. Grief was always safe to talk about with Lisa because she knew Lisa understood grief. Lisa had suffered far more than Carla ever had. What Lisa had gone through… it was like if something were to happen to Lisa. Carla would be destroyed. The time she thought it might’ve happened, she’d shoved the man she thought was responsible down a flight of stairs… and it’d been her own brother. The temporary threat of grief had her going around the bend. Not that it was a competition, but if grief were, Lisa would win every time. 

“You’re not failing me, Carla.”

“Would you humour me? Please? Even if you sit in complete silence when you go, just for my sake.” 

That was all Lisa needed to hear. Carla gave her an out. A way to go without admitting she needed to. Maybe she could actually sit in silence… “Only for your sake.” Lisa said. “Though, with that anxiety, maybe you should be the one to go. It might do you some good.” 

“I’ll think on it.” Carla said. It would likely do her some good, Lisa was right. But she couldn’t show up at a rape counsellor’s and expect Lisa to not think it was odd. It also wasn’t like it’d just happened. Those resources were for people who had just been assaulted. Like Lisa. But she also didn’t know who else to call because that’s where she’d always gone. All her other problems had been able to be solved by talking to Michelle. Michelle… it reminded her that come Monday, Sarah was going on holiday and Carla would need to return to work or trust Michelle to run the place entirely on her own. Which, she did. However, she knew Michelle wouldn’t call her if there was a problem with anything, since she knew what she and Lisa were going through. Carla had to return to work especially since Lisa had let on that she was considering quitting.

“Come with me to the factory.” Carla offered. She could tell Lisa was still scared to be left alone ever since the incident at the pub. 

“And what would I do there?” 

“Sew knickers.” Carla laughed. “You’d keep me company. Trust me, my staff would be grateful.” 

“I have the appointment with the rape counsellor.” 

“I’ll step out for a bit. Come on.” 

“I’ll be fine here, ta. I can make my own way to the appointment.” Lisa plopped herself on the sofa, wrapping her dressing gown tighter around herself. She could not be so scared to do anything that she’d cling to Carla’s side and never leave it. She was a copper. There was no protection Carla could offer her that she could not offer herself. 

Carla let out a defeated huff. “I’ll come around for my dinner, and try and take an early dart, yeah?”

Lisa gave a small smile and looked up at Carla who leaned on the back of the sofa, giving her the most loving look in the world. Her eyes were so soft, and they admired Lisa. She could feel how much Carla loved her, even still. “Yeah.” 

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Carla stared for a moment, trying to judge how Lisa was doing, if she should ask. Carla might combust if she had to go to work without a kiss. She’d at least have to sneak out to see Lisa several times throughout the day. “Are you going to let me off to work without a kiss?” She asked, trying to read Lisa’s body language to see if it’d been a good idea to ask. She tried to gauge if Lisa was relieved she asked because she still felt dirty, or if she was nervous she asked because she now felt compelled to. Carla however read it as relief when she saw the small smile and Lisa sat up on the sofa and brought her lips to Carla’s. “See you in a couple hours.” 

“See you.” Lisa’s smile lingered on her face as she watched her partner walk out the door and turn back and look at her one last time before she disappeared. For a moment everything felt normal and her rapidly beating heart was because of how Carla looked at her, and not because of anything else. 

However, seconds later she jumped up from the sofa and slotted the chain in the lock. Her heart didn’t return to it’s normal pace like it usually did. It stayed elevated, reminding her that she wouldn’t feel normal for a long time. It hit her that she was alone. He was out there and she was alone. Carla was alone. Surrounded by people for the most part, but no one would be there if he wanted to hurt her and strategically timed his attack. Would it be too clingy if she called Carla already? At least until she knew Carla had made it to the factory safely… 

“Miss me already?” Carla said when she answered the phone. 

“I wanted to double check, you’re taking me to the appointment today, correct?” She asked, despite having just told Carla she didn’t need her to. 

“Course I am. 2 o’clock, right?” 

“Yeah.” Lisa hadn’t planned out what else to say, but she couldn’t hear the factory in the background so she needed to keep her on the line. “Could you also pick me up some crisps on your way back? I seem to have eaten them all.” She said and she looked in the pantry to see a half bag of crisps left. That wouldn’t work…

“Course.” 

Lisa regretted asking for that immediately. The more time they spent apart, the higher the risk of either of them being attacked. “Actually. Nevermind. I found some.”

“That’s right. I’m here. Get to work.” Lisa heard Carla say. She’d made it. Carla was safe for the next couple hours. Good. 

“I won’t keep you.”

“I swear to you I run a daycare centre and not a factory.” Carla said. “I’ll come home for dinner and then drive you to the appointment, alright?”

“Yeah. Ta.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Carla hung up her phone and looked over at Michelle who stared at her. 

“You know, you've not got to be here. I’m capable of running this place on my own.”

“Running it into the ground.”

Michelle gasped. “Take that back!”

Carla smiled. “You’ve done a great job, Michelle. I just know if there’s an issue, you wouldn’t bother me with it. So I’m here. Life goes on, eh?”

“She’s there stewing in her thoughts and you’re working?”

“Oh, she’ll be fine. She’s tough. Besides, I’ve not been the most helpful person.” 

Michelle stopped everything she was working on and turned to Carla. “What’s the matter? Talk to me.”

“I-” Carla let out an annoyed breath. “I’ve told you it’s been getting to me.”

“Did you tell her?”

Carla shook her head. “Worse. I told her he’s gonna walk free. Should’ve seen the look on her face.”

“I can imagine.” 

“I keep seeing the same pattern. It’s all the same.”

“It’s not. She’s a copper. They look out for their own.” 

“They didn’t look out for Lisa. Or she wouldn’t have been assaulted on flaming duty!” 

“I know it’s difficult for you to see her going through something so similar to what you went through, but it doesn’t mean the outcome will be the same. It’s actually quite different scenarios.”

“It’s the exact same, Chell. Down to the assault. The choking, pushing to the ground, the exam, making bail… it’s all the same.”

“She was attacked randomly. You were attacked by a partner.”

“It weren’t random. She were trying to lock the bloke up for assaulting some other woman. Just like Frank had tried to rape Maria. She knew him. He’ll say she couldn’t get a conviction, seduced him, and made up the story to get him convicted. Case dismissed.”

“Carla, no one would believe that.”

“They believed I was lying. All the… the panic and nightmares and the fight to get out of bed. It weren’t good enough. If they thought I was lying about all that… to make it seem real…” She shook her head as she was brought back once again to those days. Every single day had been a fight to get through. She’d just wanted normalcy over anything else. The day she returned to the factory and his chair was in her office. He had been everywhere in that factory and Carla had ordered for it all to be removed. Hayley had been the one to assure her it’d be taken care of, and by the next time she returned, there was no trace of him. Hayley had never treated her like a victim, she’d just done things that would help without asking questions. She didn’t tell Carla to calm down, or to quit working. She was there to always defend Carla and never to make her feel worse about everything. She wished she could talk to her. She wished Lisa could have known Hayley and had someone like that to support her through this. Even when her staff left her to go work for her rapist, Hayley was one of the few that stayed on her side, always believed her, and fought with her and never against her. The tears flowed down her cheeks and Michelle closed the blinds before she ran her hand over Carla’s back. 

“She’ll be alright.” 

Hayley was dead, it would not be alright. Why did Hayley have to die? Why did Lisa have to be raped? Why did chaos always follow her everywhere? Carla shook her head. “It won't be. She’s dead.” 

Michelle looked at Carla confused. She’d obviously gone astray with her thoughts or gone mad again. “Who?”

“Hayley.” 

Michelle’s heart dropped. That was something she couldn’t fix, and it would never get better. But why was she crying over Hayley? 

“I miss her, Michelle.” 

“I know.” What else could she really say? 

“Did you know, after I was raped, I swallowed a bottle of pills?” Carla had hid the pills in her flat as soon as it’d happened to Lisa, just in case. 

“You said summat like that before.”

“I called Peter to say goodbye.” She shook her head. “I hated myself after. I was so ashamed, you know? I’d almost let him win.” She looked at Michelle who only watched with a neutral face. “I don’t even know where I was going with that.” She let out a chuckle. “I reckon I was only trying to say how hard it’s to get through. But Lisa… she’s not like me, she’s not as weak.” 

“Erm, I remember you being quite strong, Carla.” Michelle gave her a confused look. “If I remember correctly, you ended up working with the bloke in your factory out of stubbornness.” She said. “In fact, you were the one who had to tell me to calm down when I’d been wound up.” 

Carla replayed the images in her mind, seeing him, how she’d been constantly on the verge of being sick and scared he’d make contact with her. She didn’t feel strong, she felt incredibly weak for not being able to get him out of there, and not being able to exert her power over him the majority of the time when she was the majority shareholder, not him. It was her factory, not his. “I wasn’t strong though. It was only a front.” She said sadly. “I woke up sweating, panicking, every night. It kept happening over and over when I closed my eyes. I couldn’t live when he was still alive and if I hadn’t been so focused on winning, I might have regretted calling Peter that night and allowing him to stop me. I stayed alive out of stubbornness.” 

“All that and you survived. Stronger than I could’ve been.” 

“The thought of Lisa feeling any of that…” She gasped for air as she let out a sob. 

Michelle couldn’t assure her that she wasn’t, because there was a good chance that Lisa felt at least some of what Carla had, if not all of it. She reached her arms around Carla and held her, trying to comfort her without giving her any false reassurances. “She’s lucky she’s got you to help her through it.”

Lisa was left alone, and in that time she needed to have a shower. Desperately. She made sure the front door was locked, then the bedroom door. Then the bathroom door. She’d never used the locks in the past, unless her and Carla were in the bedroom when Betsy was around… but that was it. She could feel and see her own panic showing by the three locked doors between her and the rest of the world. But she needed to shower, and if he managed to break into the flat, she’d hope she’d hear him and be able to phone for help before he broke through the other two locks. But what if she didn’t hear him? What if he made it to the bathroom door and was ramming his body into it while Lisa stood naked on the other side before she knew anyone was in the flat? She clung to her top, but she needed to shower. She had to do this. It was highly unlikely that he’d show up at her flat, especially knowing she was a copper. It’d just be daft. She removed her top and saw herself in the mirror. He hadn’t taken her top off when it happened, so there was at least that she’d been spared of. Though, he had grabbed and squeezed them. So, they were tainted, but not as much as the rest of her. She removed the rest of her clothing. Her bruises had all faded and no one would ever know by looking at her. If she’d of kept it a secret like she’d contemplated, it’d be time for her to start having sex again. Carla would’ve been asking questions because they never went that long without touching each other, without being with each other, without showing each other how much they loved the other. Lisa looked in the mirror again and she could see the bruises, the saliva, the fluids, his skin cells. He was everywhere. 

Lisa opened the shower door and stepped in. He shouldn’t be in the flat. He couldn’t get in, right? She washed her hair. She’d locked the doors and actually tested the locks, right? She scrubbed her body raw. She shaved herself from the neck down because hair grew from inside her, and that’s where he remained. She could wash her body and rid herself of him, but when that layer of clean skin fell off, the new layer had been contaminated. Plus, body hair now made her start to gag whenever she felt it. That’d been a recent development in her endless list of triggers that kept managing to grow longer by the minute. She shut off the water and grabbed the towel. One layer of protection. 

Lisa managed to dry her hair and dress for her appointment. She wore a collared shirt and a jumper over it. Work attire. Something to show authority and she always felt so confident in her work attire. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail, her bangs left out. She unlocked the door and cautiously stepped outside. He wasn’t there. She unlocked the next door. He wasn’t there… that she could see. Someone rang the buzzer. Lisa stared at it. It didn’t go off again. Did he get through? 

She opened the fridge and found a bag of lettuce that’d gone bad. She opened the bin to toss it in, but as soon as the scent hit her nose, she could feel his hands on her. His mouth. His… Lisa tried to block it out, but everything hit her all at once. His hands on her. Telling Betsy. Betsy actually knew he’d forced himself on her. The smell of the bin next to her as she was on the ground. The core of a rotted apple that’d missed the bin and was a metre away from her head, covered in ants. She wanted to move but she couldn’t. His body weight on her. She watched the line of the insects march to the apple and nibble away at it, just as her body was being nibbled away as if she were nothing more than a rotten apple core who had missed the bin, free to be taken by anyone who wanted a piece of her. She could hear people walk by, and she could have screamed but she couldn’t take the humiliation of anyone seeing her in that state. What if Betsy was with them? His hands were everywhere. 

“Lisa? Lisa, It’s me, can you open the door?” 

There was no response. 

“Lisa?” Carla felt the panic rise through her. She imagined Lisa had found the pills and swallowed them. What if Graham had got to her? What if Lisa had died and was on the other side of that door… gone. Carla could bust in, call for an ambulance, but it’d be too late. They’d attempt to revive her and someone would eventually give Carla the speech every family member received when their loved one died. Despite our best attempts to revive her… Carla needed to get through that door. “Lisa!” She rammed into the door. She held her shoulder after. It wasn’t as easy as it always looked on the telly. “Help me. My girlfriend’s in there.” Carla said to her neighbour who walked up at that time. Her heart raced as she ran through the different scenarios she could encounter once she entered, and none of them were good. They both rammed into the door simultaneously and it flew open. “Lisa.” Carla closed and locked the door behind herself and rushed into the flat. “Lisa!?” She rushed in until she finally found Lisa curled up in the corner of the kitchen, tears down her face, her eyes were miles away. Relief filled her. She hadn’t taken pills. She wasn’t being held hostage. But the relief was short lived when she could see how much pain she was in. “Oh, Lisa.” Carla kneeled down on the floor next to her girlfriend who had not even acknowledged her presence. “Lisa, baby, love.” She said and didn’t receive a response so she placed a light hand over Lisa’s. She saw her flinch at the contact. “It’s just me, love.” 

Lisa could feel her body trembling, her skin still crawling. All because she threw something in the bin. Because of that, she could hardly breathe, her heart was pounding, and her body felt everything all over again. This was no way to live. She couldn’t go on like this, not allowing her own partner to touch her, only occasionally comfortable with a kiss. In the state she was, she’d never be able to work a job, or be alone. Carla would have to scoop her off the floor and put her back together every single day. She’d scrub her body until there was no skin left because it was never clean enough. “Carla.” She closed her eyes and turned her face away. 

“I’m here.” She squeezed her hand. “I’m right here, baby.”

She could hardly breathe. The panic was still there and it felt like it would last forever. It’d probably kill her. She wiped at the tears on her cheeks and looked over at Carla. “Carla, I need help.”

Being punched in the gut would have hurt her less. “Yeah.” Was the only word that made it out. Finally Lisa had admitted it. There was relief in the words, but also dread. How bad had it been that caused Lisa to finally say those words? Carla remembered the day it happened, when they were in hospital and Lisa hadn’t shown an ounce of emotion. She’d sat there still as a statue and she’d since seen Lisa slowly show more and more of her emotions around other people. She’d always shown them around Carla, but not in public. But the last time they’d gone to the pub, Lisa had been visibly upset despite how hard she’d tried to push her emotions aside. Carla had been able to see it building this entire time until it finally culminated to create this moment here, Lisa on the kitchen floor, tears down her face, her body trembling, jumpy at every sound or touch, and admitting that she needed help. “That’s where we’re going. To get you some help.” Carla curled her fingers around Lisa’s hand and Lisa turned her palm up so Carla could hold her hand properly. “We’ll get through this.”

Lisa looked at Carla, tears on her cheeks. “You’ll be here?”

“Course. Lisa.” Carla brought her other hand to Lisa’s so she held Lisa’s hand with both of hers. “I’m in this.” Carla’s heart was in bits watching her girlfriend in so much pain, but even as she did, she knew by the end of the day, Lisa would act fine again and be able to stand on her own two feet without help. She’d have a better understanding about what had gone wrong and what help she needed. “We should get going.”

Carla walked her to the waiting room this time and waited for Lisa to be called to the back and once she was alone, she allowed her own tears to fall. All the worry and grief she felt came flowing out of her. She would do anything to take Lisa’s pain away, and she could only hope that bringing her to the counsellor would help because Carla didn’t have many more ideas. 

Lisa took a seat and Chani could see right through her. Not that she needed to, her tear-stained cheeks gave nearly everything away. 

“I’m glad you've decided to come back.”

Lisa only looked at her. She was glad Lisa hadn’t been able to pull herself together and was hurting so bad she had to return? Good to know. 

“Have you made an appointment with a psychiatrist?”

Lisa nodded. 

“Good. These little steps are exactly what you should be doing right now.”

“No. What I should be doing is being a better girlfriend to my partner. I should be caring for her. I should be working and putting scumbags like him away, not cowering in our flat.” She snapped. “Carla’s gone back to work. I should be too.”

“How’s that been?”

“It’s only been a day.” Lisa said. “I don’t think she understands how much of my security he took. I can’t be alone.” She said. “And I’m alone. Carla doesn’t know all the right answers. I’m not sure I do, but I know nobody understands this, or they’d react differently. They wouldn’t be gossiping.” Lisa bit her lip as tears fell at the memory of how alone she felt in that pub. Carla had been the only one who was even remotely helpful, and yet she had soon after told Lisa he’d get away with it. 

“I reckon you’d like the group session. We meet Wednesday nights. It might help you not feel as if you’re the only person in the world going through this. Because you’re not. There are other people who you might find it easier to relate to.”

Lisa nodded. She’d probably been the officer on some of their cases. Hopefully they were cases she’d been able to put him away, or it’d only make her look weak in not being able to put away their rapist, and then not being able to stop it from happening to her. Maybe they’d see it as some sort of justice.

“How was it?” Carla held her hand out for Lisa to hold as soon as they reunited. 

“Helpful. I suppose.”

“Good.” Carla smiled. She pulled out her phone. “I’ve got to get back to the factory. I swear that place would fall apart without me.” She said. 

“Erm, Carla.”

“Yeah?”

“Would it be possible for me to join you?” Lisa did her best to display confidence even as her voice shook. “I don’t think either of us want this morning to happen all over again, do we?” 

Carla wrapped an arm around Lisa as they continued to walk. “Course you can join me.” She delivered a kiss to the side of Lisa’s head. “You know I’m happiest when you’re around.”