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"Going to a psych ward will be good for you!" They said. "You'll get the help you need! They said.
God they were fucking wrong.
Ever since you got discharged you've felt worse than ever before. The place itself wasn't bad, the staff were nice and the food was good. It was just, her.
Her. It's all her fault. She messed you up.
There had been this girl. This absolutely gorgeous girl who had become your friend.
This absolutely gorgeous girl that ruined you. You felt gross.
You shouldn't blame her. She was being nice. She cared about you! She called you perfect. She told you that you were pretty. She said she loved you.
You stopped getting lost in your thoughts. Right now Kankri was taking you home from the ward. You weren't going to tell him what happened.
The car continued moving, both Vantas's being silent. Kankri was obviously worried but that conversation could wait.
While you were there they had forced you to take off your hoodie so you wouldn't choke yourself with the strings, but it felt more like humiliation. Your stupidly deep cuts were basically on a stage for everyone to see.
You knew Kankri had noticed them and you also knew he was avoiding talking about it to be polite. But to be honest, it made you feel worse.
The drive home wasn't too long. Soon enough you were parking into the driveway and getting out of the car.
You and your brother walked into the house. You could hear him sigh to himself. You didn't have the time to worry about his thoughts on all of this. You were too busy trying to unpack what had happened yourself.
You went straight to your room. You didn't give Kankri any time to ask you questions. You locked your door and forced yourself not to break down on the spot.
You needed time to think. Time to process what happened in a safe environment. Okay. You need to calm the hell down.
What could you remember of what she did?
She flirted with you a lot.She got pretty close at times. She let you talk about your interests.
And.
And she touched you. Even when you told her no.
But let's be honest, you were kind of asking for it. You didn't try to push her off and you liked it! Like the fucking whore you are.
You can't be mad at her after she complimented you so much. You loved her and she loved you. Love was supposed to feel this way.
But then, why did you feel so yucky? Why did you feel dirty and sad? It didn't make sense.
In every porn video you watched the people liked sex. You were meant to like it too. You had to like it. You weren't sure anymore. You felt so conflicted. Why couldn't you be a normal kid?
It didn't help you were a weird transgender freak that got slurs shouted at them. You had been sexualized quite a bit for being trans but you liked the attention. You didn't care what people did or said to you, if you got attention it was worth it.
She was doing the right thing when she did that to you.
Sure, she was 15 and you're 11, but does that really change anything? You still liked it, fucking slut.
You have no right to cry and complain. You wanted this. This is what you get for saying, "I wish someone actually cared," all the time. You got what you wanted, you should enjoy it.
A few weeks passed by. You returned to school and told your close friends, Terezi and Eridan, about how you had been there for being suicidal, but you never mentioned her.
They wouldn't get it. They would tell you she sucks and you shouldn't love her. Maybe they were right but you didn't want to admit that. You would keep this to yourself for who knows how long.
Kankri was driving you home. You two were still close but he avoided the topic of all that. It's not like you told him about her though.
When you got home you made a decision. You had her Discord username that she gave you when you were there. Was this even a decision though? Of course you were going to. Fuck, you needed attention so badly.
You took your iPad, you weren't allowed a phone until you were 14 which you found stupid but whatever, and opened the app. You had a few messages from your old online friends who had been worried about you being gone for practically a month.
You typed the username she had written down for you into the friend request area. You couldn't wait. You needed to see her again.
It took a few hours but she got online and accepted the request. You would've giggled to yourself like a school girl if that wasn't cringe as fuck.
H: Hey, I'm assuming this is Karkat?
K: Yeah, hi
H: I was wondering when you would add me lol
K: I guess I just decided I really miss you today, shrug
H: I missed you too <3 I'm soooo glad you did this
K: Mhm, I really love you, it's kinda all I've been thinking of lately
H: Same TwT
H: Sorry, I have homework, highschool really sucks ass dude
H: You're lucky to be in 6th grade
H: Anyways I gtg
H: Love you Karkat!!!
K: Oh okay, love you too
K: Text me when you can
That was mildly dissapointing. You wanted her to stay longer but you did get an 'I love you' which felt good. You knew she probably got off on your texts which made you feel... Welll you felt something, that's for sure.
Speaking of getting off. You locked your door and put on your headphones. You went into an incognito tab on your device and typed 'Pornhub' into the search bar. You had been doing this since you were 9. Masturbation was the only other coping mechanism you had besides slitting your wrists like they're a vegetable on a chopping board.
Dysphoria did suck but you didn't care. You would touch yourself until you felt gross and guilty. Did you think about her when you did it? Maybe. That didn't matter, you went to the bathrom to wash your hands, god they felt disgusting.
Getting back into your bed, you did your other favorite hobby, crying. You quietly cried into your pillow about how you were sztupid fucking failure. You hated how quickly your mood changed like this.