Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ed rapped on the door to Exam Room 2—already exhausted, and he hadn’t even made it to his lunch break yet. His old boss, Hornigold, had retired over a month ago, and Ed still felt like he was playing catch up, trying to redistribute the patient load across the practice. 

“Come in,” a voice called softly, and Ed entered. 

His new patient—Bonnet—was perched at the end of the exam table. Somehow, the guy managed to look gorgeous even in his threadbare patient gown. Big ol’ rectangle body, eyes that couldn’t seem to decide what color they wanted to be—brown or green or gray. Slightly wonky nose, but in a way that made him seem endearing and distinguished all at once. Fucking Disney prince hair, all blonde and swoopy. 

Also, he was wearing bright yellow socks printed with eggplants all over them. Nice, robust aubergines with a lovely curve to them. 

He’d worn on-theme socks to his prostate exam. Ed didn’t know what kind of fucking lunatic did something like that, but he was instantly obsessed. 

Except the guy took one look at Ed, and frowned. 

“You’re not Dr. Hornigold?” He seemed strangely put out by this. Weird, Ed had never known anyone to actually like the guy. Hornigold was a fucking dick to everyone—patients, nurses, fellow physicians. 

But Ed just smiled. “Well observed, mate. Dr. Hornigold retired last month, so I’ll be taking over some of his patient list.” 

The crease between Bonnet’s brows only deepened. 

“Look, if it’s any consolation,” Ed offered, “Dr. Hornigold was my mentor, so you’re getting the next closest thing—I swear.” That was a bit over-generous to the old man, who’d always been something of a bastard to Ed, but maybe it would set the guy at ease. 

Or not. He huffed and looked away, a splotchy flush creeping down his neck. “Well. It would’ve been nice to get a bit of notice, is all.” 

All right, what the fuck was this guy’s deal? Ed could feel his smile going wooden on his face. Was it because he was brown? It would be a real fucking bummer if this guy turned out to be that kind of prick, but Ed had been there before. Or it could just as easily be the tattoos, the hair. All kinds of ways Ed didn’t look like most people’s idea of a doctor. 

“Sorry to disappoint,” he said tightly. 

Bonnet blinked, seemed to play back the way he’d behaved. “Sorry! Sorry!” He gave himself a little shake. “I have a tendency to get a bit overly attached to my routines. It’s probably the ‘tism, as my daughter likes to say.” 

It surprised a laugh out of Ed, and he couldn’t help but soften. “Don’t worry, I get it. I’ll go easy on you.” And then he winked, for some godforsaken reason.

Clearly the wrong move. Bonnet’s eyes widened, and his flush only grew redder—and splotchier. 

“Anyway!” Ed loudly tried to shift gears. “Um, so. Manual prostate exam. You ever had one?” 

What a segue. 

The guy shook his head. “No, this is my first. My father died rather young of prostate cancer, so Dr. Hornigold recommended I start early screening.”

Now Ed felt like even more of a dick. “Oh, fuck. I’m sorry, man.” 

Bonnet’s brows furrowed. “Hm? Oh!” He actually laughed. “No, no. No need to feel bad. My father was what you might call ‘a total fucking asshole.’ The best thing I can say about him is that he died young, only inflicting himself upon the world for so long.”

Ed blinked, taken aback. 

After a moment of awkward silence, Stede seemed to catch up with his own words again. “Oh god, sorry! What a thing to say to a stranger, I-”

“I get it,” Ed cut him off. “My dad was a dick, too. I was in college when he died, threw a three-day rager. Think I might’ve actually pissed on his grave.”

Stede grinned. “Hm, you’ve got me there. Perhaps I should give that a go.” 

Ed nodded. “Oh yeah, five stars. Highly recommend.” 

Another silence, this time just…smiling at each other. Stede really was handsome. 

Ed had a feeling he might be in trouble, here. 

Stede got it together first. “So, doc. What should I expect?”

“Well,” Ed took a seat on his wheely stool and scooted in closer. “First we’ll do all the usual physical stuff, leave the rectal exam for last.” Ed crossed his arms over his chest, tilting his head back to gaze at the ceiling as he reviewed his mental checklist. “I’ll order some bloodwork—all the standard wellness stuff, plus we’ll check your PSA levels. That’s usually our best chance at catching something, but for higher risk patients like you, we still like to do the manual exam.” He shrugged. “It’s rare, but it has happened where we’ve caught something that the bloodwork missed.” 

Stede nodded. “Okay, makes sense.” 

“I’ll have you lean over the table here,” Ed went on to explain, “or you can lie down if that’s more comfortable. I’ll insert one finger and do a brief physical evaluation, feel for any lumps or swelling, and then we’re all done—should be in and out in less than a minute.”

Stede grimaced. “Does it hurt?”

Ed shook his head. “No, definitely not. It can be a little uncomfortable for some people, but it shouldn’t be anything unbearable and definitely not painful. Some people do have stronger reactions, like thinking they need to pee, or experiencing physical arousal, but it’s all totally normal—just body stuff.” 

Stede flushed again, but gave Ed a tight-lipped nod. 

They moved forward with the rest of the visit. Ed stepped in close to listen to Stede’s chest—his heart thudding away, a little quick but steady and true. He had an unusual sort of scent to him, like roses and salt water. Not the sort of thing Ed was used to smelling on men, especially straight, married men (yeah, okay, he’d taken a sneaky peek at the guy’s chart to check).  

“Nice socks, by the way,” Ed mentioned off-hand as he repositioned the stethoscope on Stede’s back. He had cute little freckles on his shoulders. “Do you always dress on-theme?” 

“Hm?” Stede glanced back at him, brow furrowed.

“Your socks,” Ed nodded towards his feet. “They’re fun.” 

Stede’s expression brightened. “Thank you! My assistant got them for me for the holidays, last year. I’m an avid gardener, you see.”

Ed blinked at him. “Right.” He couldn’t decide what was more endearing: purposefully wearing themed socks to your prostate exam, or obliviously blundering into it by accident. 

Ed carried on with the rest of the physical—listening to Stede’s lungs, checking his throat, his nose, his ears—and all the while Stede continued chattering away about his garden, about the vegetables he planned to grow this year, about his favorite varieties of flowers, and how he’d applied to have his yard approved as a certified urban wildlife habitat. 

Ed had never been much for soil, or bugs, or crawling around on his aching knees in the dirt, pulling weeds. But he found himself totally captivated, listening to Stede prattle on. Worse, he was charmed. 

Eventually, Ed wrapped up the standard exam and took a step back. “All right, Stede. Now for everyone’s favorite bit.”

After some discussion, Stede elected to stand for this part. He settled in, his hips leaned against the exam table with his ass pointing up. Ed caught himself staring, just a bit; he quickly turned on his heel towards the supply counter—cheeks burning. 

He busied himself setting out paper towels and lubricant, donning his gloves. It took him longer than usual—his hands trembling so much that he almost dropped the cap to the lube twice. He’d given plenty of rectal exams before, and he’d never been fucking nervous like this. 

It wasn’t like he’d never had a hot patient before, either. There was Mr. Lundgren, who had a bear-ish zaddy sort of vibe to him—and this was back when Ed was a slutty little twink with daddy issues, just out of med school. Then there was that guy with the silver hair and the crazy blue eyes from a few years ago who looked like he modeled in luxury watch ads for men experiencing a midlife crisis. In both of those cases, and every other, Ed had distantly noted that the person was attractive and carried on with his work.

Now, he was trying to focus on putting on his latex gloves so that he didn’t get lost, ogling this guy’s flat, pale, peach-fuzzed bum. It wasn’t even that spectacular of a butt, taken on its own! But there was just something about Stede that called to him, made him want to giggle and twirl his hair and also lean in and huff that saltwater and rose scent straight from his neck.

Maybe it was the personal connection? The whole shitty dads thing. They’d bonded, and it was making it hard for Ed to detach himself—his dumb brain confusing that unexpected intimacy with attraction, or something. 

Ed breathed through his nose. He was a professional. More importantly, this was Stede’s first ever prostate exam, and he was clearly nervous—Ed wasn’t going to make it any more uncomfortable for him. 

He turned back to Stede. “Okay, I’m all set. You’re going to feel me touch you in just a moment, as I move your gown out of the way.”

“All right,” Stede said, only a little unsteady.

With his non-lubed hand, Ed parted the fabric. “Okay, and now you’ll feel me place my finger against your rectum, but I’m not going to insert it just yet.” 

The paper cover on the exam table crinkled as Stede nodded. Ed placed his gloved finger gingerly against the guy’s hole. Tried not to think too hard about the way the muscles tensed and contracted, like he was trying to suck Ed inside. 

“All right, now take a deep breath for me,” Ed said, keeping his voice low and soothing, “and on the exhale I’m going to insert my finger, okay?”

“Okay,” Stede squeaked. He took a big, exaggerated breath in. Ed watched his back rise…and then fall.

Ed exerted a bit of pressure against his hole and gently began to slide his finger inside—determinedly not thinking about the heat of him, even through the glove. How tight he was. 

The next step was to rotate his finger counterclockwise, checking for any abnormalities, but before Ed could move or do anything at all Stede went absolutely rigid. 

His hole clenched around Ed’s finger. “Oh, fuck.” 

Ed froze, mortified that he might’ve hurt the guy somehow, but then he noticed Stede quivering. His hips trembled and twitched and jerked against the paper cloth. 

Was he…? Did he…? 

Stede gave one last grunt and then went still.

Yeah, he definitely…

Holy shit, that was hot. Ed was absolutely hard in his trousers, which was going to be real fucking awkward in approximately fifteen seconds. Moving as carefully as possible, he withdrew his finger—his brain momentarily blank, utterly at a loss for how to handle the situation. 

Finally, Stede emerged from the post-nut fog and seemed to realize what had just happened. 

“Oh, god!” He tried to jerk away, but immediately tripped over his own feet and fell sideways—ass out—to the cold linoleum floor, bashing his head on the corner of the exam table in the process. 

“Mate!” Ed yelled as he crouched down to see if the guy was alright. 

Thankfully, the ensuing commotion was enough to kill Ed’s erection before Stede noticed. He helped him to his feet, making a show of keeping his gaze fixed firmly above the shoulders so that the guy could reclaim a little dignity. 

“Here,” Ed reached into one of the desk drawers and pulled out a handful of sanitary wipes, “I’m leaving these here for you.” He set them on the desk. “I’ll give you a moment to get cleaned up,  and then I’ll be right back to take a look at your head—sound good?” He tried to keep his voice gentle and soothing, not wanting to spook Stede any further. 

“Thank you,” Stede said in a tiny voice. His eyes flicked from the sanitary wipes to him and back again. He had his body cheated slightly away from Ed, like maybe he was trying to hide a very obvious stain on the front of his hospital gown. Unfortunately, the guy was so obviously mortified that Ed couldn’t even be turned on about what had just happened. 

Make that fortunately. Because he was a patient, and Ed wasn’t a fucking creep—christ. 

“Course,” Ed said. “Feel free to put your clothes back on too, if you’d like.”

Stede frowned. “Don’t we still need to do the exam?” He bit his lip and went even more red. “Can’t imagine you got much of a read on things before- well, before…”

“I think we can save it for another day,” Ed told him as kindly as possible. “I want you to be comfortable, and that seems…unlikely, today. It can wait.”

Stede exhaled some of the tension from his shoulders. “Thank you.” 

Ed nodded and exited the room. Took a second in the hallway to give himself a shake and breathe a little before wandering to the staff kitchen. 

He didn’t especially want tea, but he put the kettle on anyway, just for something to do. And then, in a fit of inspiration, he grabbed a second mug from the cabinet. Stede seemed like a tea guy. Might like something to do with his hands when Ed went back in there, after…all that. Even just thinking about it made Ed’s traitor dick perk its head up like, you rang? 

The choked little moan Stede had made. The way his hips had twitched and spasmed as he-

Nope. No. Patient. Patient.

Ed closed his eyes and gently knocked his head against the upper cabinets. Unfortunately, this did nothing to dislodge the memory of his very attractive patient coming all over the exam table the second Ed slid a finger inside him. 

Shit. Ed stared down at the mugs of tea on the counter. He’d been so distracted, he’d prepared them both to his own liking. Sort of doubted Stede was a seven sugars sort of guy, but too late now. 

Juggling the mugs in one hand, he knocked quietly on the door to Exam Room 2. 

“Come in.”  

Ed eased the door open, spilling a bit of tea on the linoleum in the process. Stede was sitting on the exam table, fully dressed now in a rich, dark blue suit—beautifully tailored, but unexpectedly staid and boring for the guy Ed had gotten to know thus far. Only the tiniest sliver of his silly socks was still visible, peeking out below the hem of his pants.

He was still a bit flushed, but seemed a bit calmer than before—more sheepish, less like he might run straight through the wall, KoolAid Man style, just to escape. 

“Made you some tea,” Ed gestured with the mug. “Thought maybe you could use a bit of a calm down.” 

Stede tried to smile, although it looked a bit more like a flinch. Still, he accepted the tea with a quiet, “Thank you.” 

“Might be a bit sweet,” Ed warned.

Stede waved this off. “I’m sure it’s fine, lovely of you to make it-” he paused to take a sip, and immediately pulled the world’s bitchiest yuck face as he choked down a tiny swallow. “It’s great,” he managed to get out, still bug-eyed. 

Oh, no. He was just so cute. And Ed absolutely, absolutely could not afford a crush on a patient. 

Ed set his own tea down on the desk. He slid open one of the lower drawers and retrieved a small wound cleaning kit. “Alright, think we can take a look at your head now?” 

“Oh, that won’t be necessary, really-”

Ed shot him a look. “Stede. You’re hurt, and I’m a doctor. Let me look after you, please?” 

Stede pursed his lips. “All right, yes.” He took another sip of tea, apparently having forgotten about the sugar situation, and made another one of those adorable, scrunkly faces. Ed whipped around and busied himself opening the wound kit’s sterile packaging. He set the contents on the exam tray and scooted his stool in close. 

“I’m going to touch you now, if that’s okay?” Ed asked, holding up a sterile wipe so Stede could see.

Stede clutched his abandoned tea in his lap, holding the mug in both hands. He nodded, and Ed set to work carefully cleaning the gash above his eyebrow. There was a fair amount of dried blood—head wounds, and all that—and he’d definitely have a bruise, but it didn’t seem terrible.

“You won’t need stitches or anything,” Ed told him as he worked. “I’ll just get you cleaned up, and we’ll put a little gauze on it for the day.” He scooted back in his stool again to toss the wipe in the bin and snag a bandage. “You feel dizzy, or light-headed at all?” 

Stede shook his head. “Head aches a bit, but just where I hit it. Don’t think I’m concussed or anything.” 

Gauze in hand, Ed scooted closer again. “Yeah, nah. You’ll bruise for sure, maybe a bit of a goose egg. But if you feel woozy at all, even if it’s a few days from now, I want you to call the office and let me know.” He ducked his head a little to meet Stede’s gaze. “Promise? Head injuries are nothing to fuck around with, mate.”

Stede offered him a tight-lipped smile. “I promise.” 

Ed smoothed the tape over the gauze once, twice. “Okay then, I feel better now that I know your brain isn’t about to leak out of your skull.” 

Stede offered a half-hearted chuckle at Ed’s objectively dumb joke. “Thank you, and ah-” he paused, and seemed to deflate again—all the misery from before seeping back in. “I really am just so, so incredibly sorry, Dr. Teach.”

Ed rolled backwards in his stool far enough that he could give Stede an incredulous look. “Sorry? What’re you apologizing for, then?” 

Stede gave him an irritable look like, come on, don’t be a dick. 

Ed crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged, casual. “It’s just bodies, Stede. They’re weird. They do stuff sometimes.”

Stede peered up at him cautiously. “Yeah?” 

“What, you think you’re the first person who’s ever gotten a boner during a physical?” Ed scoffed. “Hate to break it to you, but you’re not special.” 

Granted, no one Ed had treated had ever had an orgasm while Ed’s finger was still inside them but that was neither here nor there.

Stede raised an eyebrow, onto him. “And how many of them have- well. Have. You know-” He was blushing like mad, but it was the first flash of humor Ed had seen out of him since The Incident, and Ed grabbed onto it with both hands. 

“Jizzed all over the exam table?” he offered.

Stede pursed his lips, but Ed thought he might’ve maybe almost laughed. “Quite.” 

“Pssh, loads,” Ed lied. “We actually have a special clean-up team, just to deal with surprise come stains.”

“Must be why my co-pay is so high.”

“Well yeah, we believe in paying our support staff a livable wage.”

“So really,” Stede mused, eyes bright now, “when you think about it, I’m doing my part to keep the Spoof Recovery Technicians employed.” 

Ed was so fucked. He’d finally found the perfect man, and he was a patient. “Aw, yeah—in this economy? The SRT are grateful, for sure.” 

They burst into giggles, and—as much fun as Ed was having, as hard as he was crushing—he was mostly just relieved to see Stede smile again. To see his shoulders hang a little looser.

Stede’s chuckles died off, and he shot Ed a grateful look. “You’re a good man, Dr. Teach.”

The backs of Ed’s ears were strangely hot, the words hitting him like a gut punch. For a moment, they just…looked at each other.

“Right!” Ed said, far too loud. “Well, you’re all set then. Make sure you stop at the front desk and talk to Oluwande on your way out. He can schedule your follow up, and your blood draw. Any questions?” 

Stede shook his head. “None. Thank you again.” He stood and moved towards the door. 

Ed held it open for him. “Aw, it’s nothing, mate. Just doing my job, and making you shitty tea.” 

“Yes, the tea was an abomination,” Stede paused halfway through the door to give Ed a sly look. They were standing very close now. “You’re lucky you’re so handsome. Makes your shoddy teacraft seem rather charming.” 

His lips twitched in a crooked, boyish sort of smile, and then he continued down the hall towards the exit.

Ed was left standing there, still holding the door open—somewhat dazed. He thinks I’m handsome?

Chapter Text

Ed paused outside the door to Exam Room 4, preparing himself. 

It had been a year since he last saw Stede Bonnet. Ed had been out sick the day he came back for his follow up, so Jim had filled in. Ed didn’t know how to ask them how it went without giving away the incredibly pathetic, entirely ill-advised crush he’d developed on the guy. So, he’d spent the last year trying not to think about him, and mostly succeeding.

If you didn’t count the occasional inappropriate (crazy hot) dream. 

Ed knocked, and he heard the same sunshine-y voice he’d spent all year trying to forget call out: “Come on in!” 

Ed eased the door open to find Stede Bonnet perched on his exam table, already beaming at him.

He looked…good. Great, actually. The Stede he’d met last year had been a gorgeous oddball, yes—Ed had clocked that immediately. But still, there had been something…small about him. Like he was trying to shrink into himself, even before the embarrassment of the whole coming on the table situation. 

But this year, he looked rosy and vibrant, like he’d been out in the sun. He’d pierced one of his ears, and his hair even seemed more golden, more perfectly swoopy. He was swinging his legs a bit where they hung over the edge of the table, and he had on a pair of hot pink socks printed all over with a pattern of butts in every size, shape, and skin tone. No way that was a coincidence, this time. 

Also: no wedding ring. 

Right on cue: “Dr. Teach! I’m gay!” Stede chirped.

Ed blinked.

“And divorced!” 

“Wow. Uh, congratulations, mate. That’s huge,” Ed heard himself say, after a long pause. Good thing his body had apparently taken charge here, because his brain was still very much on another planet. 

“Well it’s all thanks to you, really!”

Ed’s tongue felt very thick in his mouth, for some reason. Surely Stede couldn’t be saying…? 

Stede explained, “After my last appointment, I really started to think about some things. I know you said it was just a natural bodily reaction, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that there was something there, you know?”

Ed was barely breathing. So. Yup. He was definitely absolutely saying that Ed’s prostate exam turned him gay. Cool cool cool. 

But Stede wasn’t done. “I thought perhaps I was just into anal, as plenty of straight men are,” he offered as an aside—like he was worried Ed might think him heterophobic if he left them out, “but my wife and I gave pegging a go, and it didn’t have quite the same effect.”

Was Ed having a stroke? It was either that or prank show, because he couldn’t possibly be having this conversation for real right now. 

Then again, some people really will just say any fucking thing to their doctor. 

Stede was still going. “So I did some soul searching, and quite a lot of internet browsing-”

Did he mean?

Yup. “Went down a whole rabbit hole on ethical porn consumption, but that’s neither here nor there. Still, the results were pretty conclusive!” 

“That’s…that’s great man,” Ed managed to choke out. 

He needed to get it together. Stede was sharing something vulnerable with him here, queer person to queer person, and Ed was being a fucking weirdo about his own personal shit. 

He swallowed. Cleared his throat a couple times. The back of his neck felt very warm.

Stede was still all sunshine and smiles. “It truly has been! Mary and I were able to work it out quite amicably, and since then I’ve really committed myself to this journey of self-discovery with gusto! I’m in my ‘baby gay slut era,’ apparently—at least according to my personal assistant.”

And just like that, any chance Ed had of pulling himself together vanished in a puff of smoke. 

“So hopefully, I should be a bit more prepared this time,” Stede added. 

Ed might have a fever.

“For the prostate exam,” he clarified, unnecessarily. 

Ed bit off a whimper. If he thought he had a crush on the Stede he’d met before, how was he supposed to handle this new, happier, more confident Stede who had apparently found himself in the last year? 

Edward Teach, he scolded himself internally, if you pop a boner during this visit, so help me god. 

He’d been quiet too long though, and Stede finally noticed. “Oh gosh, sorry! Here I am, nattering away while you’re trying to work!”

“No worries,” Ed said distantly. Privately, Ed was very, very worried. “Let’s, ah, let’s get started then—shall we?” 

“We shall!” 

Ed took his sweet time on the rest of Stede’s physical—even checked his blood pressure twice. Just to be really, truly thorough—obviously—and not because he was dragging his feet before they got to the rectal exam. 

The whole time he worked, Stede chattered away about decorating his new apartment, about the small, queer-focused bookstore he was trying to open, about his foibles in online dating (including one story about a glory hole hook up that made Ed laugh so hard he dropped his reflex hammer).

Ed never stood a chance. His defenses weren’t strong enough. With every word out of Stede’s mouth, he fell more and more in love. 

And eventually, he couldn’t put it off any longer. “All right, mate. You know the drill. Go ahead and uh, you know. Get in position for me.”

Get in position??? Truly, what the living fuck was wrong with him. 

Stede appeared unfazed, however. He hopped off the exam table and turned around, presenting his ass in the air. 

Ed approached Stede on the table the same way you might a live bomb. 

He was maybe just a tiny bit afraid that he might nut immediately, the second they began. 

“Okay, I know you already know how this goes, but just going to talk you through it.” Ed tried to lose himself in the familiarity of the script, like this was just any old patient, on any old day. “I’m applying some lubricant now, so that might be a little cold at first. I’ll insert one finger, and do a brief manual feel of the surrounding area. Might make you feel like you have to pee, or. You know. Other things. But it’s just body stuff, right?” 

“God,” Stede chuckled. “Can you imagine if I pissed myself this time?” 

It sliced through the crackling tension in the room and startled a laugh out of Ed, who nearly choked on his own spit. 

“Well, you’d be another first for me, in that case,” Ed told him as he pulled on his gloves. 

“At least you’ll always remember me, then.” Stede cast him a mischievous look over his shoulder, and fuck. Ed was such a goner. 

“Trust me, mate, no danger of that,” Ed said, and it came out a little too hoarse—a little too honest.

He coughed to clear his throat and focused on squeezing a bit of lube out onto his gloved finger. “Seriously, though. If there’s any sort of reaction, just remember it’s all fine. All normal.”

“I appreciate that. But really, I’m okay this time, Dr. Teach. Thank you.” Stede blew out a long exhale, visibly relaxing into the table.

Ed parted his patient gown, exposing more of that adorable, flat little ass. He bit down on his tongue, tried to zone in on his most clinical, detached self. 

Mixed success, on that front. 

“I’m going to begin now, okay?” Ed asked, his voice unaccountably rough. 

“All systems cleared for docking!” Stede chirped. 

Ed squeezed his eyes shut and breathed through his nose. He could not, under any circumstances, propose marriage to a patient currently ass out on his exam table. 

He could do this. He could be normal. 

“All right,” Ed said. “I’m going to touch you now.” With his clean hand, he gently gripped Stede’s right cheek and spread him open—giving himself room to work.

Ed nearly swallowed his own tongue. 

Was that…? Ed stared and stared at Stede’s hole, which appeared slightly shiny and slick, the rim ever so slightly puffy.

Had he…?

“Dr. Teach?” Stede asked. “Everything all right back there?”

“Yeah, no. Great. Good. Just.” Ed opened his mouth, closed it. Opened it again. “Quick question: did you pre-lubricate yourself, before coming in?”

“Oh! Yes!” Stede craned his neck around to smile at Ed. “I thought it might go a little easier this time, if I wore a plug throughout the day. Less of a shock, once you got in there.” He peered up at Ed with wide, innocent eyes. “I hope that’s all right?”

Ed’s mind was utterly blank. Empty. He’d never had a thought before in his life. He stared into Stede’s eyes, helpless. Looked back at his hole. His eyes. His hole.

Yeah, Ed definitely could not be normal about this.

“Yup,” he choked out. “All- all good. Sorry. Going to insert my finger now.” Stede relaxed back down on the table.

Ed gave himself another mental shake, and then began working his finger inside Stede’s tight hole, slow and gentle.

Stede let out a single, stuttering gasp—that same hitch of breath he’d done last time, right before he’d come all over himself. Ed froze.

But Stede only tensed around him (Ed tried not to think about the hot clench of his hole, the way it would feel if-) and then relaxed—all the tension just melting out of him. 

And Ed could picture it too easily: Stede draped across his sheets, sighing into Ed’s pillows as Ed prepared him to be fucked. The little sounds he would make-

No. Absolutely not. Shut that shit down. 

He tried to conjure up the most disgusting shit he could think of. Toenail fungus. Draining abscesses. That giant clod of old hair the plumber had fished out of his shower drain one time, when his pipes got clogged. 

“Um,” Stede peeked back at him again, sounding a bit nervous now. “All good back there?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Great.” Ed said. He proceeded with the exam, rotating his finger ninety-degrees clockwise, and then back the other way.

The pressure on Stede’s prostate forced another one of those sounds out of him, and his hips jerked back just slightly—almost like he’d moved on impulse, fucking himself back on Ed’s hand before he could stop himself. 

Ed took another long breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Carefully, he withdrew his finger. “Okay, we’re all set!” Fuck, why was he so loud? Ed busied himself removing his gloves and washing his hands. “Go ahead and sit up, and I’ll step out of the room for a moment to let you get dressed.” 

Ed dried his hands briskly. He made the mistake of glancing back at Stede, and…yup. That was definitely an erection. Grade A boner, right there. 

Stede didn’t look at all embarrassed, though. He was perched on the end of the exam bench, watching Ed with a benign smile—his patient gown tented, hands folded calmly in his lap. Kicking his feet idly, butt socks and all. 

Incredible, how far the guy had come. Ed, on the other hand, still felt like the same old idiot he’d been a year ago. 

Case in point: he nearly walked into the doorframe as he tried to exit the room. 

Out in the hall, Ed let out a long breath. He felt wired and wild, like he’d been coursing with adrenaline through the whole exam and he was only just feeling it now. His hands trembled at his sides.

He did a lap. Went to the bathroom, splashed some water on his face and the back of his neck. Gave himself a long, hard look in the mirror. 

Didn’t much like what he saw. 

“I am so normal,” he muttered under his breath as he wandered back to the exam room—strolling slowly on purpose, hands casually in his pockets. “I am the most normal guy who ever lived.”

He rounded the corner and nearly ran into Jim. 

“Heeey!” he said, smiling. 

“Hey?” Jim gave him a weird look and edged sideways around him, continuing down the hall. They looked back once, still frowning.

Fuck. Was he that obvious? Did he have highkey in love or at least lust with a patient tattooed on his forehead? 

It was possible he was slightly paranoid. 

Back outside Stede’s room, Ed paused for one more second to collect himself, and then knocked. 

“Enter!” Stede called. 

He was fully dressed now, and beaming at Ed like he’d never been so happy to see someone in his life. 

“So, how’d I do?” Stede asked, looking at him like a golden retriever begging for a treat. 

“Oh, A+. Super professional prostate work,” Ed said—like an idiot.

But Stede preened, looking for all the world like a proud, puffed up little parrot. “Didn’t piss myself or anything!” 

Ed couldn’t help but be charmed. 

“By the way,” he said as Stede was gathering up his things to go, “loving the socks this time. Let me guess, you’re really into classical sculpture?” 

Stede grinned at him, all mischief. “No, but I do love butts. And I know how much you appreciate a good theme.” 

It was such a dumb thing, but a silly, swoony voice in Ed’s head couldn’t help but think: he picked his socks for me!

Still, as they moved towards the door, Ed felt like he’d let Stede down, somehow, on this visit. He genuinely cared about the guy—as a patient, as a person—but he’d been too caught up in the horny bullshit in his own head to really take in what he was telling him. 

Stede had done something cataclysmically brave in the last year, and Ed didn’t believe for a second that it was all thanks to him. It took a lot of fucking guts to change your life like that. Still, the idea that Ed might’ve played even the tiniest role…it moved him. 

“Hey Stede?” 

Stede stopped in the doorway, gave Ed a questioning look. 

Ed smiled. “Meant to say it before, but I’m proud of you, man. Seriously. It’s not easy, upending your life like that.” 

The smile Stede gave him was so soft. Vulnerable. “Thank you, Dr. Teach.” 

Ed waited until he’d shut the door behind him with a quiet click before whispering, “Actually, it’s Ed.” 

Chapter Text

Ed practically bounded down the hall to Exam Room 3. He’d woken early that morning, with the sun shining through his windows, and the birdsong feeling cheerful and uplifting, rather than annoying. He’d bounced out of bed, humming to himself in the shower and as he fried himself eggs—determinedly not thinking too hard about why he was in such a good mood, or who was on his patient list for the day. 

Stede had booked his appointment early this time; it hadn’t quite been a full year since his last exam. Maybe he was just eager to see Ed, too.

No, that was insane.

Ed rapped cheerfully on the door. 

“Come in,” he heard quietly from inside. 

When he opened the door, he was surprised to find Stede looking a bit shifty and uncomfortable, seated on the table in his gown. His socks were a soft peach color, today, with a pattern of bright red tulips. 

“Stede, mate!” Ed grinned. “How you been?” 

Stede only offered him a wan smile in return. “Oh, you know. Same old.”

“Really?” Ed took a seat at the computer to begin reviewing the nurse’s pre-exam notes. “No more major life changes since I saw you last? You’re not joining the circus? Quitting your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a dog psychic?” 

Again, Stede only chuckled half-heartedly in response. And, like, okay—wasn’t Ed’s best joke, maybe. But he was starting to feel a little thrown by the lack of vibey-ness between them. It had never been like that with Stede, before. 

Looking for something to do, Ed focused on the nurse’s intake notes. All pretty much regular. No major medication changes since last time. Alcohol intake within normal range, no red flags on the depression and anxiety questionnaire...

And then—oh. Huh.

Ed sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, taking a moment to collect himself. 

And then he said, very carefully, “So, it sounds like you’ve been experiencing some discomfort when you urinate?” 

Stede stared at him a moment longer, eyes huge, before collapsing in on himself—like all his strings had been cut at once. 

He buried his face in his hands. “Oh, god. I have an STI, don’t I?” 

Ah, fuck.

“Hey.” Ed scooted his stool around the desk to inch a little closer. “Hey, none of that. It’s okay.” 

From behind his hands, Stede moaned: “I haven’t even managed to be a slut for a full year, and now the universe is punishing me.”

“Hey!” Ed said again, a bit more sharply this time. “I mean it, cut that out.”

Stede peeked at him from behind his fingers. 

Ed gave him a look that he hoped was stern, but still kind. “I don’t tolerate slut-shaming, mate, even when it’s self-inflicted.”

Slowly, Stede lowered his hands, but didn’t say anything. He eyed Ed anxiously, chewing his lip. 

Ed tried again, gentler this time. “I mean it. If you went to a holiday party and caught a cold, or COVID, would you say it was your fault and you were being punished? That there was something wrong with you for wanting to be around friends and family?”

“Well, no,” Stede said. “But that’s…”

Ed raised an eyebrow.

Stede rolled his eyes with an impatient huff. “That’s different! That’s…normal?” He winced as he said it, like he could already hear how it sounded. He hung his head. “Okay, okay. I take your point. But isn’t it a bit ridiculous? A man of my age, gallivanting about? I can only imagine what-”

He cut himself off, but Ed knew that shit all too well.

Ed reached forward, giving Stede time to lean away. He placed a gentle hand on his knee. “Stede, man,” he said quietly, “whoever it was that said that shit to you, you gotta get them out of your head. Those assholes live in a prison of their own making. They don’t get to trap you in there, too. You’re too good for that.”

Stede gave him a watery smile. 

Ed smiled back. “Look at it this way. S’different for everyone, but a lot of people, they get to have their crazy horny idiot phase when they’re in their teens or their twenties, and no one thinks anything of it. Just hormones—kids being kids.”

Stede’s brow furrowed, like he was listening hard. 

Ed shrugged one shoulder. “But not everyone gets their shit figured out that young, especially queer folks. And now all of a sudden you have this completely new relationship to sex and desire, and no fucking script for what you’re supposed to do with all that.” Stede snorted mirthlessly at that one. “But you deserve the chance to have some freedom and- and be a little messy while you figure it out, just as much as some dumbass eighteen year old.” 

“I suppose,” Stede mumbled. He seemed a little less distraught, but still—it hurt Ed to think of him beating himself up about this. His eyes fell on Stede’s tulip socks again, and stuck there. 

Ed had seen tulips on his walk this morning. He’d practically been whistling, he’d been in such a good mood, and the flowers had made him smile. There was something about Stede choosing his socks to match the season—about the hopefulness of that gesture. It made Ed’s heart feel all soft and warm. Made him want to help Stede, to preserve that tender, bright-eyed part of him, the bit that hadn’t been beaten down by the world yet. 

He tilted his head, considering Stede for a moment. “You’re a dad, right?”

“Yes?” 

“When your kids get a little older, and they start exploring this stuff for themselves…if something happened, and they got sick, how would you handle it?” Ed had a hunch, but he really hoped this was the right line to take. 

Stede let out a long exhale, casting his eyes to the ceiling. “I’d tell them…that it’s okay to make mistakes. And that their mother and I would help figure out how to manage it. And that I love them.” He paused, chewed his lip some more as he thought about it. “And then I’d probably lose sleep for weeks, staying up at all hours googling harm reduction resources for parenting sexually active teens. But I wouldn’t tell them that part," he rushed to add. 

Ed laughed, even though Stede’s answer only made him feel even more tender and squishy towards the guy. He thought of their conversation a couple years ago, about the shitty dads club. Thought of the crumpled look on his face earlier, when Stede was berating himself—and who might’ve put those thoughts in his head to begin with. Stede was clearly trying to be a better father to his own kids than either of them had gotten, and it wasn’t helping Ed and his stupid crush. 

Ed didn’t say any of that though. “See? You know that’s the right way to care for a kid, so why would you deserve any different for yourself?” 

Stede huffed a bit again, but it was more of a good-natured grumbling this time. “All right, you’ve proven your point. I’ll. I’ll be nicer to myself?” He winced again.

Ed gave him a look.

“I’ll be nicer to myself,” Stede said with more conviction.

“Cheers.” Ed patted him on the knee again. “So, here’s how we’re going to do this. I’m going to run a quick urine test. I’m guessing it’s gonorrhea based on the symptoms, but let’s just be sure so I can get you on the right meds. In all likelihood, you’re looking at a week or so on antibiotics, and then this is behind you.” Ed grimaced. “That is, after you let all of your recent sexual partners know.” 

Stede closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. 

“I’m sorry, bro,” Ed told him. “No way around it.”

“No, no,” Stede said ruefully. “I know. I’ll handle it.” 

Incredibly, he was looking a lot steadier, a lot more sure of himself than when they’d started the conversation. 

“Okay then—the last thing I gotta ask: do you want to review safe sex practices?” 

Stede raised an eyebrow. “I assumed I was getting a lecture, regardless. A nice lecture!” he rushed to add. “You’ve been beyond lovely, of course.”

Ed tried not to let the word lovely ring in his head like a bell.

Instead, he just shrugged. “Listen, you’re an adult. Maybe this is a situation where you did all the things you’re ‘supposed to do,’ and you got really unlucky. It happens. Or, you know what you’re ‘supposed to do’ but you don’t always follow those best practices religiously.” 

Stede grimaced, and Ed tipped his head in acknowledgement. “Okay, so. Me lecturing you? Not going to do anything but make you feel worse. You already know that shit, and hopefully next time you’ll make different choices. I trust you,” he said, because he thought Stede needed to hear it. 

Stede nodded slowly, eyes on his knees. 

Ed ducked his head a bit to look him in the eye. “But Stede, you’re not the first person I’ve met who’s come out later in life. Maybe you missed out on some of that safe sex talk when you were a teenager, for a million different reasons. And now here you are, at forty-seven, and you’re trying to move through this new world of queer sex, but you feel like you missed out on a lot of information that everyone else got when they were fifteen, and you don’t have anyone you can ask.” Ed offered him his gentlest smile. “No shame in it, if that’s the case. Just want you to know you can ask me anything.”

Stede looked at him for a long moment, eyes very soft. 

He shook his head. “No, thank you. I, uh, probably would have fallen in that camp, if not for the kids. It was important to Mary and I that we give them a better headstart on that sort of thing, so I had to study up quick. I do know better.” 

Ed narrowed his eyes playfully. 

Stede caught himself. “It was just a mistake. And that’s all right. And I’ll do differently next time.” 

“Good man. So!” Ed rolled back over to the computer, started clicking around—placing orders. “We’ll have you pee in a cup, and assuming it’s what I think it is, I’ll give you a shot of one antibiotic today and write you a script for something to take at home, and then you’ll be on your way—with a nice goody bag full of assorted prophylactics.”

“Oh!” Stede frowned. “We’re not, ah…we won’t be doing our usual exam today?” 

Ed had to be imagining things—there was no way Stede looked disappointed by the prospect, surely?

He shook his head. “Sorry, mate. We’ll have to wait for the infection to clear, bring you back. Think you’re in enough discomfort as it is, plus the swelling could distort the results.” 

“Oh, right. Yes. That makes sense.” Stede was quiet for a moment, before brightening. “I suppose that means I’ll see you again in a few weeks?”

Ed couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, mate. It’s a date.”

Ed had lost count of how many times he’d asked himself this, but: what the fuck was wrong with him?

And then it hit him, and he grimaced. “Wait, no. Shit. Sorry, I’m actually about to leave for vacation. It'll be Dr. Jiminez, for your follow-up.”

Stede deflated again. “Oh.”

Ed gave him an apologetic look. “Yeah, I’ll be gone a few weeks, actually.”

Stede softened. “Oh. Well. That’s…that’s nice.” He gave Ed a sweeping once-over, but there was no judgment in it—only kindness, care. “You look like the sort who works too hard. You deserve a nice rest, Dr. Teach.” 

It should’ve rankled, a patient patronizing him like that. But Stede said it in the same tone that Ed had used on him, gently admonishing him for his shitty self-talk. It felt squirmy and terrible, having it turned back on him, but also…warm. Nice. Lovely. 

Ed shouldn’t be having feelings like this. He was the fucking doctor. He wasn’t the one ass out in a patient gown on a cold exam table. With swollen balls.

Ed scratched at his chin, his eyes desperate to look literally anywhere else in the room. “Uh, thanks man,” he said gruffly.

Stede hardly blinked at his discomfort. “Going anywhere fun?” 

Ed shrugged. “Some resort thing in Mexico, in Tulum. Me and, uh-” for some inexplicable reason, Ed hesitated. Finally, he spat it out: “my boyfriend.” 

He risked a peek at Stede, feeling unaccountably nervous about his reaction. Maybe it was because he was feeling less and less sure about Jack these days. More embarrassed to be seen with him, on the increasingly rare occasion that they actually went out together. But this trip would be two and a half weeks of nothing but alone time. Ed had booked it in a fit of desperation after a particularly sad argument a few months ago, but the closer they got to the date of departure, the more Ed found himself wondering when, exactly, was the last time he and Jack had actually spent that much time alone together, all in one go. 

Stede’s expression went entirely unreadable for a moment. Ed had never seen him look like that—so blank, so utterly closed off. 

The smile returned, but this time it didn’t reach his eyes. “Sounds lovely. I hope you find it very…restorative.” 

“Yeah,” Ed mumbled. “Should be good.” 

“Until next year?” Stede asked.

And why did that make Ed feel so shitty? 

Chapter Text

Ed paused outside the door to Exam Room 1, steeling himself. For once, he wasn’t feeling super excited to see Stede. Not because there was anything wrong with Stede. (Or, frankly, because his crush had diminished at all. It hadn’t.) 

But it had been a pretty shit fucking week. He and Jack were fighting, again, and if Ed was totally honest with himself…it was over. He’d known it for a while now. 

He was just so fucking sick of being alone, though. He and Jack had been off and on for years—hell, they’d broken up at least twice, just since Stede’s last appointment. Once after that disastrous trip to Tulum, and again in an incident Ed still thought of as the Valentine’s Day Massacre. Plus, there were all those benders where Jack left the house in a snit and disappeared for days on end, only to show back up like nothing had happened. 

And Ed let him. 

This time, though—Ed felt it in his soul that he was really, truly done. 

Still, the idea of starting over, at his age…it made Ed feel sad, and exhausted. Like he wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until his whole life had rewritten itself without him. 

No time for this sort of wallowing, though. He had other shit to deal with today. He rapped once on the door.

“Come in!” 

Ed let himself into the exam room, and—as usual—Stede beamed at the sight of him. “Dr. Teach!” 

Fuck. 

It hit Ed square in the chest: when was the last time anyone had been that genuinely excited, that happy to see him? 

Had Jack—his fucking boyfriend—ever looked at him like that? Like, literally ever? 

Ed stopped dead in the doorway. And immediately burst into tears. 

“Oh!” Stede cried. “Oh, no. Dr. Teach!” He sounded so deeply distressed on Ed’s behalf. It only made Ed cry harder, crumpling in on himself. He clutched at his own shoulders with his hands. With no one else to hold him, he had no choice but to hold himself. 

“Oh, fuck it,” he heard Stede whisper. 

The next thing Ed knew, he was being wrapped up tight in a pair of strong arms. 

“There, there.” Stede held him close, rocking him gently from side to side as he made shushing sounds in Ed’s ear. “You’re okay. Let it all out, I’ve got you. You’re safe.” 

Ed felt like he was turning himself inside out, he was crying so hard. It went so much deeper than Jack. Felt like he was purging himself from some miserable black rot of loneliness that had seeped down deep into his core. Something that had been festering all his life, maybe. All the way back to when he’d been a sad, scared little boy, trying to cry himself to sleep as quietly as possible after a nightmare, so he didn’t wake his dad. And all the decades since then, all the years of him throwing himself into his work. Telling himself it was fine that he hadn’t met anyone, that his house was so quiet at night, that he valued his alone time—until he’d looked up, nearly fifty, and alone time was all he had. Taking Jack back again and again just to have some life, some noise waiting for him at home after work. 

He was choking, gasping, full of phlegm and snot and salt and hurt. 

But nothing lasts forever. Ed cried himself out, hiccuping and gulping down air as his tears ran themselves dry. He felt shivery and empty, hollow, but new—like those first baby fawn steps off the bathroom floor after he’d drunk himself sick. 

As he started to calm down, he finally had the presence of mind to take in all the small sensations. Stede rubbing his back in firm, even circles that kind of made Ed’s leg want to kick like a dog’s. The scent of his neck; that familiar fragrance he would always associate with Stede—salty and floral all at once—like wild roses growing in a seaside garden, the tang of salt air carried on the wind, ruffling their petals and billowing sun-warmed laundry on the line. He could feel the steady in, out of Stede’s breath—his chest rising and falling where it was pressed against Ed. 

And also: the scratchy cotton blend of the patient gown, because oh. Right. Ed was being hugged by a patient while he had a mental breakdown on the clock.

Also also, lest he forget: that meant Stede was bare-assed to the world as he held Ed in his arms. 

Ed’s breath hitched and shuddered as he fought to calm down. He sniffed a few times. He could’ve stepped back, but in all honesty, he didn’t want to. Partially because he didn’t want this to end—didn’t want to let go of Stede. This was definitely the only time he’d ever get to feel what it was like to be held in his arms, and it was…fuck. Fucking incredible. Ed wanted to spend the rest of his life right here, just like this. 

And then there was the other reason: now that the tidal wave of emotion had passed, he was fucking mortified. Wanted to crawl under a rock, climb out of his skin—or just keep his face buried here forever, hidden in the warm, dark space between Stede’s neck and his shoulder. The second he took a step back, reality would come crashing in, and he’d have to face the music. 

But apparently Stede was fucking psychic, or something. He gave Ed’s shoulder a squeeze and said very softly, “When you’re ready, you just squeeze my arm, just like that, and then we’ll take three nice, big, deep breaths together. And then I’ll close my eyes, and whenever you like, you can step back.” 

Ed went very still, hardly daring to believe. How was this man real? 

“I’ll keep my eyes closed until you either tell me to open them,”  Stede continued, “or I hear the door close. If you want to go outside and take a breather, you take all the time you need. Hell, I’ll even drink your disgusting tea. How does that sound?” 

Ed hesitated a moment, and then nodded slowly against Stede’s (incredible) chest. 

True to his word, Stede just…continued holding him. Continued gently swaying from side to side, like he was rocking Ed to sleep. 

A minute passed, then two. Ed had been done crying for a while now. He was mostly just curious how long Stede would keep holding him, if he never squeezed his arm.

But Ed was at work, and this was so fucking fucked and inappropriate and wrong…he needed to get it together.

Like, now. Immediately. 

He gave Stede’s arm the smallest of squeezes, even though it physically hurt to do it.

“Okay,” Stede murmured in his hear, “that’s good. Now, how about those breaths?” Ed nodded against his shoulder. “One…” He took a big, exaggerated breath—his chest rising and falling against Ed’s—and they exhaled it out together, nice and slow.

“Two…” And another.

“Three…” And another. 

“I’m closing my eyes now,” Stede whispered. 

Ed took one last breath, buying himself another moment of this—of being held. Of Stede’s scent wrapped all around him, his voice low and soothing in Ed’s ear. 

And then he stepped out of Stede’s arms. 

Ed blinked his eyes open. His vision was all blurry and wet. He swiped at his face.

There Stede was, in his socks and his patient gown. Eyes closed. Calves out for all the world to see. His socks had a pattern of...was that Frankenstein and Dracula kissing? Even bleary and delirious, Ed felt a pang of fondness at the sight. Also, fuck—was it really almost Halloween? That meant it would be winter again, soon. Dull and dark and gray. Perfect timing to be going through a breakup. 

Ed fled the room before he could start spiraling all over again. 

He went to the restroom first, in case he needed to cry some more, but he just ended up spacing out, looking at himself in the mirror. He didn’t have any tears left, apparently he’d gotten them all out with Stede.

Fuck. With Stede. 

Could he get reported to the medical board for what just happened? Ed tried to call up the rules of what constituted a valid complaint—he was pretty sure there was something in there about inappropriate boundaries, but his memory for boring shit like that wasn’t great, especially since he’d been convinced at the time that it would never be relevant to him. It wasn’t like he would ever cross a line with a patient. 

lol. lmao, even. 

Everything would be fine, probably. Stede hadn’t seemed uncomfortable, and even if he had been, he didn’t seem the type to file a complaint over something relatively innocuous like a bit of uncontrollable sobbing, right? Far more likely he’d discreetly transfer to a different practice, find a new doctor.

Probably a bad sign that that option somehow felt even worse. That the prospect of never seeing Stede again made Ed’s gut churn with nausea. Any sane doctor would have fired Stede as his patient two years ago and never looked back. 

Lost in a blank fog, Ed found himself wandering towards the kitchen. He took Stede’s advice, made them some tea. Something to do with his hands, at least.

Of course, once he was actually standing at the counter, staring down at two steaming mugs of black tea, he realized he’d never properly learned how Stede took his. Obviously Ed-levels of sugar were too sweet, but what was a normal person amount?

Ed doled out two spoonfuls, then tasted it to check. It was fucking nasty, obviously. He added a cheeky third.

Nothing left to do, no more options for killing time. He gripped the counter ledge in both hands and bowed his head. Fuck, he didn’t want to go back in there.

He could always just…leave. Get Jim to finish the exam. 

He didn’t want to, though. He only got to see Stede once a year. He wasn’t giving that up for anything. 

Also, it felt kind of like a cop out—unfair. Stede had been…well, basically as vulnerable as a person can be, in front of him. Ed had talked him through two separate breakdowns, by this point. If Ed bailed, he had no doubt Stede would be lovely and kind about it. Understanding. But it felt weirdly cowardly, nevertheless. 

Ed pulled out his phone and did a quick check in the front-facing camera. He was a bit blotchy, bit puffy, but his eyes were dry and he didn’t have weird snot anywhere. Probably the best he could hope for. 

Tea in hand, he headed back to the exam room. He took a deep breath and knocked.

“Enter if you daaaare,” Stede said in a deep, halloween skeleton sort of voice, and it was so weird, so unexpected that Ed burst out laughing. He nearly spilled their tea. 

He pushed the door open and entered the room. “Mate. What the fuck.”

Stede was already twinkling at him. “Thought I’d break the tension a bit, lighten the mood.”  

Ed couldn’t help but smile. “Well it worked, but you’re a fucking lunatic.”

Stede faltered, anxious now.

“I like it,” Ed clarified. 

And there he went, beaming at Ed again. 

“Made us some tea,” Ed held up the two mugs. He handed one to Stede. “You don’t have to actually drink it, I won’t be offended.”

Stede took a sip and grimaced—although not as much as the last time. “You’re improving,” he told Ed magnanimously.

Ed’s traitor brain suddenly chimed in: wouldn’t it be nice, to learn how he takes his tea? To make it for him every day? 

He stuffed that demented shit in the good ol’ mind box where it couldn’t get out.

Ed took a seat on his stool. Sipped his tea. Readied himself for what came next. 

“Listen, Stede. I’m really just so sorry,” he said. “Wasn’t cool of me, unloading on you like that.” 

Stede gave him a look of gentle admonishment. “Dr. Teach, really—it’s okay. We all have our moments.” 

Ed’s throat was getting all tight again, but he sniffed and fought through it—shook his head. “No, I’m your doctor. It crossed a line. If I’ve got personal shit, I have…y’know. Other people I can turn to. Shouldn’t be bringing it into my place of work, where I’m meant to be creating a safe space for my patients.”

Ed didn’t say that the only people he could even remotely call “friends” at this point were either a) exes, b) his employees, or c) people who came through med school with him—most of whom he maybe spoke to once every six months, at best. Stede didn’t need know exactly how pathetic Ed really was.

Stede frowned, thoughtful. “Well, put it this way: maybe that’s true, but we’re all human. Sometimes feelings don’t come out where and how we wish they would. If they did, I wouldn’t have come out to my wife mid-speech as I was toasting her very first solo art show.”

Ed had like. So many questions. He bit down on the inside of his cheek—not the time. 

Stede carried on with a shrug, as though that wasn’t an insane bit of lore to drop mid-conversation. “Is it ideal? No. But we can be kind to ourselves in the aftermath, I think. I hope.” He shot Ed a knowing look. “Not sure I believed that myself, until a certain someone had to literally pick me up off the floor after I’d come all over my hospital gown during a routine exam.” 

Ed coughed out a watery laugh. “Kind of proud of how far you’ve come, that you can joke about it now.”

Stede bowed his head with a little smile. “Well you did get snot on my neck while you were crying all over me. Levels the playing field, somewhat.” 

And incredibly, Ed didn’t even feel sore about the teasing. He just chuckled, let it pass over him. 

They lapsed into silence. Stede watched him carefully, his eyes impossibly kind. 

“Can I ask…?” he tried eventually, but cut himself off with a shake of his head. “Sorry. None of my business. Forget it.” 

Ed gazed into his rapidly cooling mug of tea—the cream beginning to clot on the surface. “Need to break up with my boyfriend,” he said eventually. “Known it for a while, but it’s just…hard, y’know? Starting over, my age.”

“I know,” Stede said quietly.

Ed peeked up at him and—yeah. Duh. Right. Stede upended his entire life a couple years ago. Because of Ed, sorta. 

Ed set his tea on the desk. He stared at his hands, picking at a callous on his palm. “Just lonely, I guess. Even when I’m with him, I’m lonely.” Ed swallowed. “And then I walked in here, and you smiled at me, because you’re a nice person, and I thought…man, he looks happier to see me than my own boyfriend ever does. When was the last time Jack smiled at me like that? And, y’know. Cue waterworks.” Ed blinked a few times, trying to ignore the stingy, prickly feeling at the corners of his eyes. “Guess it just made me realize how much I’ve been accepting, letting slide. Just for the sake of not rocking the boat. Like, if I looked at it too hard, I’d have to admit something was wrong. And then I’d have to do something about it.” 

“Yes,” Stede said softly. “I might know a bit about that, too.” 

Ed nodded, still not meeting Stede’s eyes. 

“Dr. Teach,” Stede began, and—not for the first time—Ed wondered what it would sound like, to hear Stede say his name. 

“I don’t have all the answers,” Stede went on. “Well, you’ve met me. I’m a mess. A disaster, really. But you were so kind to me, from the very first, in spite of all my little…idiosyncrasies. And it made me think: if a total stranger could be so good to me, maybe there was…something to hope for? Maybe I didn’t need to make do with scraps from the people who were meant to love me the most.” 

Ed really might cry again. It felt like he’d been flayed open. Like Stede was holding his exposed nerve endings right there in his soft hands. But also, what Stede was saying…it broke Ed’s heart all over again. For all of Stede’s sunshine and smiles and cattiness, there was still something so raw about him, something that ached. And he was so fucking brave about it, anyway. Ed didn’t think he even realized. 

Stede tilted his head, considering him—gaze shrewd and canny. “If it were me, or any of your patients, who came in here, emotional about the prospect of ending a relationship…what would you say?” 

Ed gnawed on the side of his tongue as he considered the question, but in truth he didn’t have to think that hard—because there were things he wanted Stede to hear. 

“I’d tell you that it was understandable to be sad, or scared, because that sort of change is tough,” Ed said. Finally, he met Stede’s gaze and held it. “But you’re tough, too, Stede. I’ve seen you do all kinds of crazy hard things. So you’re right. You shouldn’t be making do with anything." He thought about it a moment longer, then shook his head. "You deserve it all. Everything you want.”

The way Stede smiled, it was like…like watching dawn break the horizon. Like one of those sped up videos of a flower blooming. He glowed. Ed could practically feel the warmth of it on his own face.

And then Stede gave him one of those smug bastard eyebrows. “Well, if you know that’s the right way to care for a patient, then why would you deserve any different for yourself?” 

Ed had known it was coming, but he still threw his head back and groaned. “Awgh, unfair mate. Get outta here with that shit.”

“No,” Stede said primly. “I don’t think I will.” 

Ed rolled his eyes—feeling awkward, laid bare—but also a little better. A little braver, about what had to come next. 

Still, he couldn’t totally shake his guilt, his feeling that he’d made things weird between them, somehow. 

“Listen,” Ed said, “if you want to reschedule your exam, meet with another doctor-” 

“No, no! That won’t be necessary.” Stede paused, frowned. “That is, if you don’t feel up for it, I completely understand of course. But, ah, otherwise…I’m here!” He actually did jazz hands. “I’m happy to proceed with the exam.” 

Ed snorted. “Really? It won’t be awkward, now that I’ve cried all over you?” 

The look Stede gave him was bone dry.

“Right.” Ed scratched at his chin. “Fair point.” 

Stede softened. “But seriously, if you’re not up for today’s visit, I can come back. It’s no trouble, truly.” 

“No, it’s okay. Let’s, uh…let’s do this.” Ed flashed him the finger guns, and then immediately winced. 

Stede grinned at him, clearly fucking loving this. 

“Oh, shut up,” Ed huffed. 

“Didn’t say a word,” Stede told him, serene, as he hopped off the table.

They shuffled around each other, trying to get into position. Ed felt clumsy, like there was a delay between his brain and his limbs, or something. He was suddenly hyperaware of just how small the exam room was, of how much space Stede took up—how much air. He stepped forward just as Stede did the same, and they bumped into each other. Ed immediately jerked away, and nearly stumbled backwards over his own stool. 

Stede reached out—lightning quick—and caught Ed by the elbow, stopping his fall.

“All right there?” he asked, amused. 

“Yup! Yeah! Great!” Ed paused. Stede was still staring at him like he was holding back a laugh. “Promise I’ll be a little less clumsy when I. Y’know.”

By the grace of god, Ed stopped himself before he could say something like when I have a finger up your ass.

What was he doing. What was wrong with him. Why was he talking.

Just. What.

Stede’s eyes were all twinkly and merry. “Oh, I’m not worried,” he said. “I know I’m in good hands.” 

And then. He fucking winked.

It was devastating. Point blank range, too, because his hand was still on Ed’s elbow and they were still standing inches apart and it should be impossible and/or illegal for someone to be that hot in nothing but a hospital gown and gay little Dracula/Frankenstein socks. 

Ed had been trying to fight it, trying to deny it, but he really thought he might be in love. 

Ed didn’t say anything—couldn’t say anything. Just stared at Stede, breathing heavily, hyperaware of the heat of his palm against the bare skin of his elbow, where he’d rolled his shirt sleeve up. 

Suddenly, Stede seemed to register just how close they were. He went a bit pink and let go of Ed at once.

“Why don’t you go ahead and get comfortable?” Ed said, except it came out all breathy and whorish. He swallowed, tried to clear his throat. “And I’ll just, um. Get everything ready.” 

“Yes,” Stede said, also maybe sort of breathless? “Yes, comfortable. I’ll do that.”

They stared at each other, unmoving, a moment longer. 

Ed spun on his heel towards the supply cabinets and began rummaging around for gloves and lube. He stacked the things he needed on the exam tray and washed his hands. Tried to ignore the sounds of crinkling paper as Stede moved and shifted and breathed behind him. 

When he finally turned back around, his heart nearly stopped.

He was used to the sight of Stede bent over the exam table, by now. Well, not used to it used to it, but…used to it. Knew what to expect. Could brace for it, sorta.

Today, Stede had chosen a different position. He was lying on the exam table, half on his side, half on his belly. His left thigh was pulled up towards his chest, exposing his ass to Ed’s view. 

And Ed had had no shortage of fantasies about bending Stede over the exam table and fucking him until he screamed, obviously. But there was something different, seeing him like this. Stede was more relaxed, a little looser-limbed. It called to mind the way you might come across your partner, asleep in your bed. Sprawled out halfway on their stomach—a little slick, still, from when you’d fucked them earlier. Ed could picture it. Could picture walking into his bedroom, freshly showered before bed, and finding Stede like that…

“Ready when you are!” Stede chirped, darting a glance at Ed over his shoulder. Ed had no idea what the fuck his face was doing, but it prompted Stede to explain, “Dr. Jiminez and I tried this position last time, when I came in for my follow-up, and I found it more comfortable! Hope that’s all right?”

“Yeah, totally, ‘course,” Ed said distantly, wrestling back the entirely irrational flash of jealousy he felt, thinking about Jim seeing Stede like this. 

He launched into his usual script, talking Stede through the steps of the exam as he slipped his gloves on and prepped the lube. 

“I’m going to touch you now,” he told Stede, once he was ready, “just to move your gown out of the way.”

Why was it so fucking quiet in the room? All he could hear was his own breathing (too fast) and Stede’s breathing (also fast) and the soft scrape of the cotton gown against Stede’s skin as he moved the fabric aside. 

He tried, and failed, not to notice the goosebumps that broke out across Stede’s skin at the brush of his fingertips. 

He carried on with the script, feeling both outside his body and also terribly, excruciatingly present as he spread Stede open. As he worked his finger inside.

And again—there was something about the heightened intimacy, this time. As though Ed’s meltdown, all that vulnerability, had turned up the dial on whatever was simmering between them. They were both breathing heavily, the sound loud in the small space. 

It was like time had slowed. Ed could hear his own pulse, pounding and pounding. He swept his finger in a 90 degree arc, and there was an obscene, wet squelching. It drew Ed’s imagination back to those forbidden thoughts once again—what it would be like, to fuck Stede. To see him sprawled out on his bed. To finger him until he was relaxed and easy. The sounds, the scent. 

He rotated his finger the other way, exerting the lightest pressure, and heard Stede’s sharp intake of breath. Stede let out a choked whimper, but swallowed it back—collecting himself.

A puff of breath escaped Ed in response—the tiniest half-gasp. So quiet, normally no one would’ve been able to hear it. But it was so still in the room, the air so charged. Even the smallest sounds were magnified a hundredfold. 

Stede glanced over his shoulder, and for a moment their eyes met. Ed knew what he must look like. His face felt feverish. His lips were parted, his mouth dry. Stede turned even pinker, and quickly looked away. 

Ed had to get out of there. He withdrew his hand. “Okay! You’re all set, mate. Everything feels great in there.” 

All the sound in the universe came rushing back. Time sped up once more. Ed busied himself at the sink, eyes laser focused on washing his hands. 

“So anyway,” he said over the sound of running water, “I think we’re all good here, unless you have any other questions?” 

“No…” Stede said slowly. “Think I’m okay.”

“Great! Feel free to just put your clothes on and go then, and I’ll see you next year.” There was no realistic way Ed could continue to pretend to be washing his hands. He shut the sink off and turned back to Stede, trying to offer him a bland, professional smile. It felt bizarre and garish on his face. 

Stede stared at him, his expression thoughtful—his head canted to one side, a slight furrow to his brows.

Ed couldn’t handle that sort of scrutiny right now. 

He grappled with the door handle. “Okay then! Well, I gotta run. Lots of patients to see, you know how it is. Take care, mate-”

“Dr. Teach,” Stede called out before Ed could make it out the door.

He froze. “Yeah?” 

“For what it’s worth,” he said, full of kind humor, “I think you should dump his ass, as the youths say.”

Ed blinked.

 “Whoever this ‘boyfriend’ of yours is,” Stede continued, “if they can’t see how lucky they are, if they don’t treat it like a miracle every time you walk into the room, well…then they’re a fucking idiot, aren’t they?” 

Ed blinked some more. 

Stede’s expression turned gentle and earnest once again. “You deserve to want more, too. All the love and- and softness you can possibly imagine. And I have no doubt someone as clever, and kind, and brave as you will find it.” His smile tipped a bit crooked. “Maybe it’s closer to hand than you think.”

Ed didn’t have the heart to tell him that the love he wanted was even closer than Stede could imagine—and also impossibly far away. 

Chapter Text

Ed fought his way through the throng of bodies in the club, trying not to spill his overpriced drink as he dodged around an assortment of sluttily-costumed partygoers, all currently bouncing and gyrating to a positively cursed remix of WAP x The Monster Mash.

Ed fucking hated gay Halloween. 

Normally, he didn’t do Halloween. Normally, he bought a bunch of shitty drugstore candy, put approximately 1/4^th of it in a bowl on his front porch, and then turned the lights off and watched reality TV while he ate sour worms until he’d burned a hole through the center of his tongue and his stomach was trying to crawl outside of his body. 

He didn’t especially enjoy that ritual, either, but it was at least better than this god awful masquerade-themed club party that Annie had dragged him to. They’d been friends (and occasionally friends with benefits) in med school, but they didn’t see each other much, these days—theoretically, they were both busy, but Ed suspected they actually just didn’t have that much in common anymore. 

Annie had always had a sixth sense for when he was moping, though, so he hadn’t been that surprised to see her name pop up on his phone the day after Stede’s last appointment—also known as the day after he broke up with Jack—demanding that he come out with her for Halloween. 

He’d almost said no. He was too old for this shit, really. But then he thought of Stede, thought of him encouraging Ed to be a little messy. To let himself want. 

He thought of Stede.

He needed to stop thinking about Stede.

So, in the end, he said yes. He was here, he was in costume, and he’d even worn a stupid mask (a red lacy number that Annie had dug up for him—Ed was like, 99.999% sure it had been used in some kind of Eyes Wide Shut situation, but he was absolutely not asking any follow up questions). 

Well, technically he was in costume. He was dressed as a…slutty doctor? Sort of? He was wearing a red jockstrap to match his mask, and a white coat he’d stolen from the office (not his own, obviously, because that one had his full ass government name embroidered on it—he’d found an old one of Dr. Vane’s, who’d left the practice just after Ed started) and…that was basically it. White go-go boots that he’d bought at a thrift shop years ago, and then never found the opportunity to wear. He’d put his hair up in space buns and slapped some red lipstick on, because that felt more costume-y, somehow, and called it a day.

It was perhaps the laziest costume he’d ever thrown together. Oh well, fuck it. Ed wasn’t a Halloween guy.

He was decidedly not having a great time. But if he just so happened to stumble into an anonymous hookup, and it distracted him from both Jack and Stede, maybe that would make all this worth it. 

He craned his neck, peering across the sea of bodies—searching for the right distraction. He’d danced with a few people, already—a slutty Pennywise the Clown, someone done up as the mermaid-monster girlfriend from the “Casual” music video, and two separate Luigi Mangiones—but mostly the whole scene just felt very…loud and overwhelming and boring. 

Maybe he should just bail. Irish Goodbye the whole situation. His feet hurt, and he was already preemptively hungover from whatever acrid artificial sweetener had been used in his drink, and he just didn’t have another hour of this shit in him. Maybe Annie wouldn’t even notice-

“Eddie!!” cried a familiar voice, just as a small wrecking ball made of tits and auburn curls crashed into his side. 

Well, fuck. So much for that plan. 

“Not thinking of leaving, are you?” Annie said over the music, winding her arms around Ed’s neck so she could shriek it more directly into his ear. She was decked out as slutty Marie Antoinette in a costume that seemed somehow extremely expensive and garishly tacky at the same time. Ed wasn’t sure how she managed it, but Dolly could learn a thing or two from Anne Bonny. 

“Not really sure this is my scene, love,” he shouted back. 

Annie gave him an exaggerated pout. “Oh, come on sourpuss! Live a little. Look, that guy looks just your type.” 

She spun Ed around by the shoulders, and there—illuminated in a shaft of disco light—was the Sun. 

Literally, the guy was dressed as the sun.

It was a total fucking lunatic sort of costume. They were at a gay club, where everyone was half naked, and this person was wearing a full-on, immaculately tailored gold suit with a sky blue silk shirt underneath, unbuttoned to their navel? And a full-on fucking metal mask that covered the entire upper half of their face, right down to their mouth? All this was topped with a halo crown of golden rays, perfectly matched to their blonde hair. The whole mask/crown situation looked heavy as fuck, and expensive as fuck, and there was no way that thing was breathable or comfortable. 

Whoever they were, they looked incredible. But also, their costume was actively hostile to the entire concept of a quick hook up.

Annie was right: Ed had to have them. 

As though they could hear Ed’s thoughts, the guy suddenly turned his way. Even with the mask, it was clear they were looking right at him. Ed staggered forward, a magnetic pull luring him in—as inexorable as the gravity of the sun.

They met in the middle of the dance floor. The Sun hooked a finger into the top of Ed’s jock strap and began tugging him closer—slowly, almost like a question. Giving Ed a chance to say no, or pull away.

Ed nodded. 

They pulled him in until they were chest to chest. 

They danced, as much as anyone actually “dances” at these things—their bodies pressed together in a hot line, undulating with the current of the crowd. And, fuck—clearly Ed was delusional, because the guy even sort of smelled like Stede, like saltwater and roses. 

Which was insane, because: a) it wasn’t Stede, and b) the entire place reeked of sugary spilled drinks, and sweat, and the sort of noxious body spray that Stede would never be caught dead wearing (and neither would this guy, if the suit was any indication.) 

Still, Ed couldn’t help himself. He leaned in and breathed deep the skin of their neck, like he’d always wanted to do with Stede. And when that wasn’t enough, he licked them from the hollow of their throat, over their Adam’s apple, and sank his teeth into the soft meat where their neck met their jaw. 

Ed worried his teeth into their throat, hungry and possessive, and he let himself believe. Just for a second.

Which was missing the point, obviously. He was supposed to be getting his mind off Stede—his patient. 

Ed dragged his mouth up to the Sun’s ear. “Want to get out of here?” 

They leaned back and pointed to their ear, shaking their head. Too loud.

Fuck it. 

Ed twined his hand in theirs and dragged them towards the bathroom. 

*

They crashed into the first available stall, already making out sloppily—masks butting awkwardly against each other as they fought to get closer. The guy tasted like gin, and faintly of citrus, and they kissed Ed like they were starving for it. 

The music was slightly muffled in here, even if it was still loud as fuck. Ed was tempted to ask if they could dispense with the masks so that they could kiss properly, but actually it was kind of hot, making out with a sun god. Also, there was a tiny, seductive voice in Ed’s head whispering that, with their face hidden, he could almost pretend the guy was Stede. 

Ed ignored that voice. But he also kept his mouth shut, and the masks stayed on. 

The guy’s hands were all over him, under the lab coat. Tracing across his chest, raking down his sides. 

It was nice. They were a good kisser. But all Ed could think about was Stede, Stede, Stede.

He needed something…something that would really let him switch his brain off.

Ed pressed the guy up against the stall door and kissed their neck, down to their clavicle—parted the deep V of their silky shirt to suck a nipple between his teeth. He couldn’t hear the guy moan, but their whole body stiffened like they’d been electrocuted, and Ed smiled—feline and satisfied—around his little mouthful.

He continued his descent, dropping slowly to his knees. They immediately started to ache, but Ed couldn't be fucked to care. 

He looked up at the guy, through his mask—waiting for permission. 

They nodded.

Eager, Ed undid the button on their trousers and jerked the zipper down. Seriously, who wore a suit to the club? Ed was basically naked, and he hadn’t even wanted to come tonight. He was almost sad to let their gorgeous goldenrod trousers touch the dirty floor, but he was on a mission, so. Needs must.

Naturally, they were wearing silk Tom Ford boxers, in brilliant fuchsia. Ed had…so many questions. 

In another life, maybe. Ed wasn’t looking to fall in love with some random freak at a shitty club Halloween party. Not tonight.

He leaned in and brushed his face against the front of the guy’s boxers, nuzzling against their hard dick through the silk.

They reached down and twined a hand into one of Ed’s buns, using it as a handle. There was a pause, almost like hesitation, and then their grip tightened. Ed moaned, the sound lost under the pulsing throb of the music. 

The hand dragged him in closer—Ed’s face pulled roughly against the guy’s dick, tugging his mask askew. With his face pressed into the guy’s balls, he caught another whiff of their scent. Body and sweat, obviously—they were still balls, after all. But layered over top was that familiar scent of roses on a sea breeze, impossible to deny.

Well that wasn’t so weird, maybe. More than one person could wear the same fragrance, probably. 

Ed was tired of fighting himself, though. There were no thought police coming to arrest him. This guy wasn’t Stede, but Ed could pretend, couldn’t he? Just for a minute? 

He inhaled deep, and let himself imagine it. Stede’s hand in his hair. Stede’s achingly hard dick brushing against his cheek, under a layer of silk. 

If this were really Stede, Ed would probably take it slow. Tease him, work up to it until they were both panting and sweating and desperate. If it were Stede, they’d be in a bed. Stede probably had one of those giant mattresses that was even bigger than a regular king, and thread counts using numerical values Ed had never even heard of. 

If it were Stede, they’d spend the whole weekend in bed—finally giving in to what they’d both been wanting for so long. What they’d denied themselves. Because in Ed’s fantasies, Stede had been right there with him, pining and lusting and yearning so hard his stomach hurt with it. 

This person wasn’t Stede, but Ed just wanted to forget for a while, and he was kneeling on a filthy bathroom floor, and his knees were really starting to bitch about it. This wasn’t the place for slow. 

He drew the guy out of their boxers, and swallowed them down to the root.  

At long last, Ed let his imagination truly run free. This was Stede he was swallowing down. Stede he was choking on. Stede’s hand in his hair, tugging and tugging—guiding him.

And sure, it wasn’t slow. But Ed had other fantasies, too.

Maybe this wasn’t their first time. Maybe he and Stede were together, actually. In love. Maybe they were so used to having each other, they didn’t need to be precious about it anymore. Maybe there was no shortage of sweet, tender lovemaking, at home in the bed they shared, full of eye contact and whispered promises—but also they were insatiable for each other, and sometimes that meant Ed getting his face fucked quick and dirty in the bar bathroom. 

Ed wrapped his hand around the back of the guy’s thigh, looking for more leverage. He petted over soft, silky skin. The fine hairs there. They thrust gently into his mouth, their hips working in tiny, hitching movements.

It wasn’t so hard to picture, really. Stede was a Halloween Guy—Ed knew this instinctively, without needing to be told—and Ed hated Halloween but he loved Stede and he was whipped to hell and back so he’d let Stede drag him out to this shitty party, and now this was his reward. 

It was a good fucking fantasy. The guy’s dick nudged deeper into Ed’s throat, and salt tears leaked from the corners of Ed’s eyes. 

Suddenly, they reached down and grabbed Ed’s hand. They dragged it up the back of their thigh until Ed was gripping the bottom swell of their ass.

Fuck. Ed could picture Stede like this, too: impatient, begging. Demanding Ed’s hands exactly where he wanted them.

Ed squeezed the guy’s ass, and they thrust forward a little harder into his mouth. Ed moaned around their dick and slid his hand higher still, sliding in between their cheeks. He pet a finger over their hole, teasing. Their hips stuttered, rocking forward once hard, and Ed nearly gagged. 

He could picture this part, too. Could picture it all too fucking well. 

That little sob-sigh Stede always made, when Ed first slid his finger inside him. The way his eyes went glassy, his lids heavy. The ways he’d tighten, and then just melt—all the tension draining out of him. Gorgeous. 

Stede had to have thought about it too, right? You didn’t get that turned on during your annual prostate exam and then not go home and have a furious wank about it, surely? The idea of Stede jerking off after their appointments, thinking about Ed…maybe reaching back behind himself, just like Ed was doing now…

Fuck.

Ed pressed in just gently against the guy’s hole—the faintest suggestion of entering them—and three things happened at once:

1) The guy tightened, bearing down around the tip of Ed’s finger, just as

2) The song playing over the club’s speakers changed tracks, creating a half-second stutter in the music, so that 

3) Ed could hear the quiet little sob-sigh the guy he was blowing made as Ed played with his hole.

Ed would know that sound anywhere.

With a gasp, he pulled back—staring up at him. 

At Stede. It was Stede. This wasn’t a fucking fantasy, because the guy with his dick halfway down Ed’s throat was actually fucking Stede.

The guy (Stede) peered down at him. He (Stede) tilted his head questioningly to one side. With the sun god mask on, the effect was sort of eerie and uncanny, but it was also such a quintessentially Stede mannerism. There was no denying it. 

And now that he was looking, Ed was sort of embarrassed it had taken him this long to catch on. That golden hair wasn’t like Stede’s, it was Stede’s. The suit wasn’t something Stede would wear, it was what he was wearing—currently, right now. Who else would show up dressed like that to a gay Halloween party? Literally only Stede. 

And that scent, that fucking scent. Like sea grass and roses and a perfect orange slice twist in an ice cold drink. Ed had smelled it right there at the source of him, his face pressed to Stede’s pubic bone, where the concentration of his Stedeness was strongest. 

Ed’s gazed trailed down the length of him, right to the floor, and—there. Ed wouldn’t have noticed before, on the dance floor, but now that he was knelt at Stede’s feet, he had a much better view of his socks where they peeked out from under his pant leg. They were sky blue, like his shirt, and patterned all over with little clouds and rainbows. 

Really, it could only be one person.

Ed dragged his gaze back up to Stede’s masked face once more—he was still looking down at Ed, curious and confused. His dick was hard and leaking, just inches from Ed’s mouth. 

Ed should stop though, for sure.

He was going to stop.

Right?

Like. This was so, so bad. Stede was a patient. A patient he already had a sort of ethically gray relationship with. More importantly, Stede had no idea it was Ed on his knees before him, right now. Ed, his fucking doctor. Ed could bend himself into all kinds of gymnastic knots, arguing that Stede had consented to anonymous sex, which meant he’d theoretically been okay with the idea of literally anyone sucking his dick, but that was just cover—making himself feel better. He knew this shit wasn’t on. 

The only not-insane choice right now would be to get up and go. Immediately reassign Stede to another doctor, or—better yet—refer him to another practice altogether.

The problem was: Ed didn’t want to.

Maybe he could just, like. Get Stede off, first. Real quick. And then refer him to another physician. Never see him again. 

Oof. Ed’s heart really, really did not like that option.

But maybe he just…didn’t need to think about it, yet.

Stede was still staring down at him quizzically. Of course he was. He thought he was having a random bathroom hookup, and the guy had suddenly stopped sucking his dick to stare at him in silence for over a minute.

Just as the thought passed through Ed’s head, Stede reached down and cupped a warm, soft hand around his jaw. He stroked his thumb over Ed’s lips and across his cheek—just under the bottom edge of Ed’s mask. It was such a tender gesture, sweet. He tipped his head to the side again, questioning. 

Even in the dark, with the music, it was clear what he was asking: are you all right?

And Ed knew Stede—could read the sincerity of his concern in his body language. Being just as kind to this stranger in a bar as he was to Ed in his office. 

There was just no way Ed could leave here tonight without getting to have him, once.

Just once.

He knew Stede couldn’t see his eyes with the mask, but even so he kept his gaze fixed on Stede’s face as he raised his hand to his lips and sucked his finger into his mouth. As he worked his tongue around the digit—getting it nice and wet.  

Stede’s lips parted on an exhale.

Ed leaned in slow and took him into his mouth again. He watched as Stede’s head tipped back against the stall door. 

His hand drifted up the back of Stede’s thigh once more, his now-slick finger finding its way to Stede’s hole.

Ed closed his eyes. He wished it weren’t so fucking loud in here, so overstimulating. Wished he could hear every gasp and moan and sigh. See the look on Stede’s face when he slid inside him—to know what he looked like when someone touched him on purpose, and not because it was their job. 

But even without sound, even in the dark…there was so much to take in. He could taste the salt of Stede on his tongue. Feel the thick intrusion of him, stretching at the corners of Ed’s lips. The way Stede’s hole tightened and flexed around his finger every time Ed’s throat constricted around his dick. Ed kept his other hand on Stede’s hip, his thumb stroking the lower curve of his belly, and he could feel every time Stede took a breath—sharp and fast, like he was panting. Desperate. That hitch on the exhale, like he could sob for how good it all felt. 

Ed worked his finger in and out, shallowly. Without lube, they weren’t going to get far. Didn’t matter. Ed already knew how to push all of Stede’s buttons. 

All those thoughts he’d repressed, every time he’d touched Stede in the exam room and swallowed back his own desire—he let it all loose, now. If he was only going to allow himself this one night, then he wasn’t about to hold himself back from feeling it all. He was achingly hard, just from this—just from Stede’s cock in his mouth and the silky soft skin of his hipbone and the abortive little thrusts he was making into Ed’s mouth, like he was teetering on the edge of control.

It couldn’t go anywhere, Ed knew that. He couldn’t let Stede touch him. Not when Ed was still his doctor, not when Stede had no idea just who he was fucking. That would be several bridges too far. 

But the friction of Ed’s underwear against his dick was driving him wild, and every tiny salt pulse of pre-come on his tongue had him moaning and thrusting his hips against nothing. 

Ed lost himself to it, the steady in and out drag. The hand in his hair continued to guide him, and the pace Stede set was slow and deep—pressing all the way into the back of Ed’s throat, then easing himself out inch by inch. It was almost like…almost like Stede was trying to drag this out, too. Like he knew—somehow—that this was the only night they’d ever get, and he didn’t want it to ever end.

Stede’s grip in his hair had loosened Ed’s buns, and a strand of hair fell across his eyes. Stede reached down with his other hand and brushed it softly out of the way. 

Ed’s eyes were already watering from the whole cocksucking thing, but suddenly they prickled with the threat of real tears. There was something about the tenderness of that gesture, about the gentle way Stede was moving his head—even as he fucked Ed’s throat deep. If this was what he was like with a stranger in a dirty club bathroom, what would he be like at home, in a bed? What would he look like, peering down the length of his body to smile at Ed, propped between his thighs? 

Ed’s throat felt tight, and his eyes were hot. He forced himself to take Stede deeper still. He wanted to choke on him, to swallow Stede down until he’d fucked every last thought clean out of Ed’s head. Ed pressed his finger a bit deeper, searching for that angle that he knew would make Stede lose it. He pressed in, and in, and Stede moaned so loud that Ed could feel the reverberation of it where his hand was pressed to his belly. 

Stede’s hand tightened in his hair. He thrust forward into Ed’s mouth once, twice, and just like that, he was coming. Ed scooted in close, swallowing him as deep as he could take it. Throat already screaming and convulsing around him, gagging, but Ed was desperate to take and take and take everything Stede had to offer. 

He kept sucking long after Stede had finished. Even as Stede slumped against the stall door behind him, boneless, and his dick started to soften in Ed’s mouth. 

It couldn’t be done already. Ed wasn’t ready yet. 

But eventually, a gentle hand reached down and cupped his chin—easing him back. Stede’s thumb brushed over his wet lips, a sweet caress. 

Ed’s heart was pounding in his ears. He stared up at Stede, in his strange mask and his pretty suit and oh god. Oh fuck.

Ed had made a terrible mistake.

Once was never going to be enough. Not like this. Maybe not ever. 

Stede reached down to help him to his feet. In a daze, Ed allowed him to take his hand and lift him up. 

Naturally, once he was standing, Stede tried to tug him in close. Wanted to reciprocate, probably. He touched the bare skin of Ed’s stomach, and Ed felt it like an electrical current—sparking across his skin, scorching his already frayed nerves. 

Ed couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. 

He stumbled back a step, and then two, and then he was off and running.

He fled without looking back. 

Chapter Text

Ed was still feeling queasy three days later, as he walked into work. He’d barely slept since Halloween, just spent the entire weekend pacing his apartment and spiraling. At least now he was at work, where he’d have a slate of patients to distract him for the next eight to ten hours. 

There was a comfort to it, too, knowing that Stede had just had his annual a week ago. Theoretically, Ed had a whole year before he needed to worry about seeing him again. Ed could put in the paperwork today to have him referred out, and that would be that. A clean break. 

Another wave of nausea rolled over Ed at the thought, but he ignored it as he pushed through the front doors to the practice. He was early. He hadn’t been able to sleep—for the third night in a row—and he’d needed something to do, so he’d been up and dressed and loitering by his front door a full thirty minutes before he actually needed to go. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore, so he said fuck it and decided to walk. 

Annoyingly, it was one of those gorgeous late fall days. The leaves had all changed, but the sun was out and shining, and it wasn’t even that cold. A last gasp of warm weather before winter began in earnest. 

Ed had been too miserable to even enjoy it. 

Oluwande was at the front desk, talking to someone on the phone. Ed gave him a halfhearted wave as he passed, making a beeline for the staff kitchen. He’d regret it later for sure, but this was definitely a third cup of coffee sort of day. 

But Olu hung up the phone and flagged him down before he could make it very far. “Hey boss!” 

Ed paused. “Yeah?”

“I already put it in your calendar,” Olu told him, “but just a heads up, you have a last minute walk-in today.” 

“Fine,” Ed told him distractedly. Yeah, he was tired, but the extra work would be good for him. Something to focus on. He started to move towards the hall door again. 

“Yeah, s’weird,” Olu continued. “Guy was just in here for his annual, but he said it was an emergency. Wouldn’t stop calling until I agreed to schedule him. You had a cancellation this morning though, Mr. Veracruz. Lucky I could just slot him in.”

Ed was frozen in place. He stared at Olu, cold all over.

Olu gave him a quizzical look. “Ed? You okay, man?” 

Ed’s heart was going a million miles an hour. He was going to puke, right here in the waiting room.

“Who did you say the patient was?” His voice came out hoarse and strained. 

Olu only looked more concerned. “Right…sorry. It’s Bonnet. Stede Bonnet?” He added when Ed didn’t react. “Blonde white guy, always has on novelty socks and a suit? Bit odd?” 

Ed stepped forward so suddenly that Olu actually startled.

“Listen,” Ed told him urgently, “I need you to book him with someone else. Anyone else.” 

“I don’t know, he was pretty insistent on seeing you-”

Ed shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. He needs to see someone else. Send him to Jim.”

“Jim’s totally booked today, man.” Olu grimaced. “It’ll be a miracle if they get through all their patients as is, they’ll kill me-”

Ed cut him off. “Zheng then.” 

“Out sick. We went to a Halloween party on Friday, think she caught a bug or something.” 

Ed tipped his head back to the ceiling, just barely holding himself back from screaming in frustration.

What was happening? Was there a real emergency? Or had Stede…had Stede figured it out, somehow? He’d given no indication that he knew who Ed was, in that bathroom, but it wasn’t like Ed had announced himself, either. And his costume wasn’t exactly a foolproof disguise. 

He was so fucked. He was going to lose his medical license, and what was worse—he deserved it.

“Ed?” Olu called him back to earth, looking truly concerned now. “Do you want me to call Bonnet back and cancel? He sounded pretty high strung on the phone, but if you really can’t, I could just tell him to go to the emergency room-”

Ed made a snap decision. “No. Don’t. It’s fine. I’ll take the appointment.” 

One of two things was happening here: either a) Stede was having an actual emergency, and yeah, Ed had fucked up the other night, but he wasn’t going to abandon Stede in a moment of real need, or b) Stede had figured out just who was sucking him off on Friday, and he was coming here to confront Ed about it. If that was the case, better to get it over with. Ed didn’t think his nerves could handle another twenty-four hours, not knowing if his entire life was about to blow up in his face.

Olu hesitated. “You sure?” 

“Yup,” Ed told him. “Yeah. Totally. All good. No worries.”

Olu did, in fact, seem worried. 

Ed fled to the staff room. 

He made himself coffee, prepped it just the way he liked. Took a sip, and then immediately poured it out into the sink. He was jittery enough as it was. If he drank anymore, he might just have a cardiac event before Stede even got there. 

Somehow, shockingly, Ed held it together through his first six patients. Inside his head, he was a wreck, but all his training clearly had been good for something, because he managed to sleepwalk through those appointments without any dire mistakes. He maybe wasn’t being the most attentive physician in the world, today, but he was good enough at his job that his body could keep up the charade on autopilot—asking all the standard questions and keeping notes that he was definitely going to need later, considering he hadn’t retained a word of what Mrs. Feldstein was saying about her back pain.  

Stede was his last appointment before his lunch break. Olu pinged him to let him know he’d checked in, and Ed had one last fleeting thought that maybe he could just…go. Hit da bricks. Leave and never come back. Jim and Zheng could handle the practice—honestly, as a team they’d probably be better at leading the place than he ever was. And he’d had some fleeting thoughts about early retirement, recently. It was an option.

But he swore he could feel Stede’s presence in the building, pulling him in—like a sunflower straining towards the light. 

Sweaty and nauseous, he hit the restroom one last time. The man in the mirror was a wreck—a disaster. He looked haunted, like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His skin was sallow, eyes bloodshot and watery with exhaustion. He splashed some water on his face, tried to smooth some of the flyaways back from his hairline. It wasn’t much of an improvement.

Out in the hall, he made his way towards the exam rooms like a man headed for the firing squad. 

But somehow, in spite of it all, there was still that frisson in his chest. That electric zip! in his gut at the thought of seeing Stede again. 

He hesitated outside the door for just a moment, then raised his fist and forced himself to knock. There—he’d done it, couldn’t be taken back now. 

From inside, a soft, “Come in.” For the life of him, Ed couldn’t read the tone. 

Inside the room, Stede was seated on the table, fully dressed. Of course, he somehow looked more beautiful than ever. Hair gleaming so bright, Ed swore he could see his reflection in it. Face moisturized and beaming. He had on a silky short sleeve button-down in a rich rust color, embroidered across his chest with white flowers blooming on the vine. He wasn’t quite so on display as he had been on Halloween, but still—Ed tried not to read too much into the number of buttons he’d left undone at the collar. Seemed like a bit more chest than you’d want to show off, coming to reprimand your doctor who’d fucked you in a bathroom stall, but then you never knew with Stede. Instinctively, Ed’s gaze trailed down the length of him, trying to catch a peek at what socks he'd chosen today—that seemed a more likely omen for how this was about to go—but they were completely hidden beneath the cuffs of his forest green trousers, so no dice there. 

Still, he looked gorgeous. He glowed.

“Hello,” Stede said with a soft smile. “I was hoping we could talk.” 

This did nothing to calm Ed’s nerves. 

Still, he tried to play it casual. “Oluwande said you had an emergency?” He wandered over to the desk and roused the computer monitor, like he meant to review his intake notes. 

Stede tipped his head to the side, considering. “Nothing medical. Just, a sensitive matter of some urgency, I suppose.”

Ed was sweating through his shirt—all under his arms and down the small of his back. “Okay, well, not sure how much good I’m going to be on that front,” he babbled. “Might be better off with a psychologist, I know a few, could get you a referral no trouble—easy peasy, pudding and pie-”

“Edward.” 

Ed stopped talking at once. Stede had never, not once referred to him as anything other than “Dr. Teach” before. 

And yes, the situation was so deeply fucked. But Ed couldn’t help but think how good it sounded, his name in Stede’s mouth. 

Stede was looking right at him, his gaze steady and calm. “I know it was you, the other night.” 

Fuck. Ed closed his eyes, trying to block out reality.

He took a deep breath. “How?” He asked—eyes still closed, voice impressively calm, if you asked him. “How’d you know it was me?” 

Stede hummed a little, considering the question. “When we were dancing, I could swear I kept smelling you, but I dismissed it as wishful thinking. I’d been thinking about you so much, of course I felt drawn to the first person at that bar who looked even vaguely like you.” 

Ed’s eyes flew open. 

“It was so dark in there, though,” Stede continued on, “and you don’t usually wear your lab coat to our appointments, so I didn’t recognize you in it at first-” here, he cut himself off and paused—slanting Ed a bitchy look. “By the way, what on earth was that costume?” 

“I’m not much of a Halloween guy,” Ed heard himself say, dazed. “Just threw something together.” 

Stede’s mouth made a little moue of distaste. “In any case, it wasn’t until we were. Until we…” he paused, blushed some more. “Well, once we were in the restroom, and you were- um, kneeling, I got a better look at your hair.” His smile tipped a bit dreamy. “I’d know it anywhere. And then the rest started to fall into place. The hair, the scent. I’ve never gotten a proper look at your chest tattoo before, but then you reached up to undo my slacks, and I spotted the ones on your hand…” he shrugged sheepishly, made a sweeping gesture with his hands as if to say and that was that. 

“Stede, I swear to god, I didn’t know it was you at first,” Ed told him, anguished. “It doesn’t excuse anything, I know. I did figure it out eventually and that should’ve been the end of it. I crossed a line, and you’d be right to report me. I’m so sorry-”

“I’m not.” Stede said simply. 

Ed’s head was pounding, the world moving too fast for him to keep up. He felt like he was still hungover, still drunk, from Friday.

“What?”

Stede smiled at him. “Ed, are you listening to me? I knew. I knew before you ever,” he blushed, and lowered his voice, “put your mouth on me.” 

Ed blinked. Tried to run that back. “You knew?” 

“I knew.” Stede fixed him with a burning sort of look. “And I chose to do it anyway. I wanted it. I’ve been wanting it.” He looked down at his lap, fiddling with one of his rings. “If anything, I’m the one who should apologize.” 

“What?” Ed spit out. “Why?”

Stede shot him a distraught look. “I suspected you might not know it was me, and I knew I should stop, I should check—you deserved to know. But I just sort of…let myself believe that you’d already figured it out. That you wanted me, too.” 

“I did,” Ed said automatically. When Stede didn’t look convinced, he said it again, with more conviction. “Stede, I fucking did. Even before I worked it out, I was fucking fantasizing it was you.” 

Stede regarded him with wary, hopeful eyes. After a long pause, he asked—curious, “When did you put it together, then?” 

Ed rubbed the back of his neck. “When I put my finger inside you. You, um,” he could feel his cheeks heating, “you make a sort of distinctive noise, when I do it. Y’know. Here.” 

Stede sat up straight, like he’d been jolted with a cattle prod. 

He was blinking very fast. “Well. Isn’t that mortifying?” 

Ed chewed on his bottom lip, face warmer still. “Pretty hot, actually.” 

Stede raised an eyebrow. “Oh?” 

Ed shrugged, quailing under the attention. “Been driving me nuts, if we’re being honest.” 

Stede looked a bit overwhelmed at this new information. He licked his lips, his eyes glassy as he stared into the middle distance. 

He blinked, seemed to come back to himself. He looked directly at Ed again, right into his eyes. His expression so intense, so heated, that Ed actually reeled back a little bit.

“Come here,” Stede said, voice hoarse.

Ed was powerless to do anything but obey. He staggered forward a step, and then another, until he was mere inches away.

With Stede perched on the exam table, it exaggerated their height difference. Stede looked up at him through his golden lashes, and Ed felt…woozy, transfixed. Hypnotized. 

Stede reached out and hooked a finger into Ed’s belt loop, dragging him closer still. His eyes never wavered from Ed’s face.

Ed came easily. He was standing between Stede’s spread knees, now. If he leaned forward even an inch, they’d be kissing.

Ed had forgotten how to breathe.

“I spend all year thinking about you,” Stede confessed, voice low. “Waiting for our appointment. I thought there was something wrong with me, that it was pathetic.” 

Ed shook his head minutely. “Been losing my mind, trying not think about you. Every year, I show up early to work on our appointment days.”

Stede let out a soft, romantic sort of sigh at that. “Ed, I have to tell you something.” 

The distance between them was shrinking.

“Yeah?” Ed asked, barely more than a whisper.

One side of Stede’s mouth ticked up. “I’m breaking up with you as my doctor.” Their noses brushed. Ed could feel Stede’s warm breath on his cheek. “I already scheduled next year’s exam at a different practice, across town.”

Their faces were too close now for Stede to see it, but Ed was smiling too. “Yeah, I think that’s probably a good idea, mate.” 

Stede peered up at him with hopeful eyes. “Really?”

Ed kissed him.

Like, really fucking kissed him.

Four years of pining and wanting and pretending-you’re-not-thinking-about-a-patient-every-time-you-jerk-off kissed him. 

Stede’s hands slid around his waist, untucking his shirt from his pants so they could slip underneath, petting over the bare skin of Ed’s stomach, his hips, his back. Ed cradled Stede’s jaw in both hands, his thumbs stroking over the arc of his cheeks—just the faintest prickle of stubble there. Stede tasted minty, like he’d chewed gum on the way here, or something. Like he’d planned to kiss Ed today. What a plan. Really, just fucking excellent, no notes. 

Ed pressed in closer, closer, closer—and then something occurred to him.

He pulled back, breaking the kiss with a gasp. He didn’t let Stede go far though, still holding his face in his hands.

“We’re dating now, right?” Ed asked—gaze flicking back and forth between Stede’s eyes, trying to read what he saw there. “You’re my boyfriend?” 

“Hm?” Stede looked liked someone had hit him over the head with a cartoon mallet. “Oh! Yes. Definitely. Very much boyfriends now, please and thank you.”

God, so fucking cute.

Ed leaned in to kiss him again.

Stede pressed a hand to his chest, holding him back. “Why do you ask? Not that I’m complaining! Just. Seemed rather urgent.”

Ed knocked his forehead into Stede’s, nuzzling against his cheek. “Oh, just. Wanted to make sure this wasn’t a one-off before I risk my medical license, fucking you on this exam table.” 

For a moment, Stede was silent.

Suddenly hit with a flash of nerves, Ed leaned back—checking in. “That okay? I mean. We don’t have to. We can take it slow, or head back to mine, or yours, or-”

Stede cut him off. “I just want you to know, I come from family money.”

Ed didn’t know what to make of that. “Okay…?”

“So if you’re forced to resign in disgrace after fucking a former patient on your exam table, I can support us quite comfortably,” Stede explained.

It’s funny how you just know, sometimes. This guy walked into Ed’s practice four years ago, and for no real reason Ed thought: there he is, the one.

And he hadn’t been wrong.

Stede reeled him in for another kiss. It was hotter this time—wilder, more charged. Their hands were everywhere, pulling at clothes and hair.

“Should we lock the door?” Stede asked, panting between kisses.

“No interior lock,” Ed said—dragging his lips along the arc of Stede’s jaw, kissing his neck. 

Stede went very still, hesitating.

“S’okay,” Ed sucked Stede’s earlobe between his teeth. “You’re technically still my patient, for now. It’s a HIPAA violation for someone to just come busting in here without knocking.” 

Stede let out an undignified sort of snort. “Well unfortunately, I’ve heard this practice is a bit lax in its sense of medical ethics.”

Ed bit down hard on the side of Stede’s neck for that one. Stede just giggled and tugged his hair again, pulling him back up for another messy, adoring kiss. 

“What do you want?” Ed breathed against his lips. “Anything you want, I’ll do it.”

Stede eyed him coyly a moment. “Well…I imagine we won’t be making a habit of fucking at your office, in the future.”

“Yeah, probably not a good idea,” Ed conceded between kisses. “Unfortunately.” 

“So if this is our only chance…” Stede reached up to rake a hand through Ed’s hair, gently combing it back from his temple. Ed tipped his face into the touch, like a cat begging for pets. “Might as well make the most of it.” He gave Ed another long, lingering kiss—slow and wet. “Really indulge any fantasies now, get them out of our system.”

Ed was dizzy with want, trying to follow. “You mean…?”

“I mean yes, I have masturbated thinking about you fucking me on this table, during an exam,” Stede said plainly.

Ed buried his face in the crook of Stede’s neck, trying to muffle the moan that escaped him.

“So if you were serious about that as an option,” Stede carried on, in much the same tone one might use to discuss lunch plans, “I’d very much be amenable.” 

This was how Ed died. Stede Bonnet was going to be the death of him. 

He nodded, face still hidden—not trusting himself to speak. 

“Yeah,” he choked out eventually. “Yeah, cool. Sounds good.” 

“Wonderful!” The hand in Ed’s hair suddenly tightened as Stede tugged his face up for a kiss. Ed whimpered, his entire body alight. 

They worked together to get Stede undressed. Without breaking their kiss, Stede reached down and began working his belt free from his slacks. Hands fumbling, shaking, Ed began unbuttoning Stede’s shirt—parting it to reveal a sliver of his gorgeous chest.

Still kissing, Stede hopped off the table and tried to step out of his trousers, but he stumbled a little, his ankle caught. Ed laughed and took a step back to give him a little more space. He reached for his own waistband and started fighting with the buttons. 

Stede glanced up swiftly. “No,” he said—quiet, but full of authority. “Not yet.” 

Ed’s hands froze. The thought of Stede, fully bare on the exam table while he stayed mostly dressed, almost as if he’d really come here for an appointment, and they’d gotten carried away…Ed had to fight back a shiver.

Yeah, yeah. It was so wrong. But Stede was (almost) not his patient anymore. Ed was going to let himself have this one. 

Stede stripped out of his trousers as Ed stood there, hands loose and useless at his sides—just staring. Stede’s socks were covered in a pattern of large pink blossoms, their petals open and curling against a cobalt blue background. Ed wasn’t sure what the significance was, exactly, but these were the socks Stede had picked out this morning, to come here and tell Ed he wanted to be his boyfriend. Knowing Stede, there had to be some kind of significance to the choice. Ed couldn’t wait to ask him, later. 

Because right now, this was really happening. 

Soon, Stede was fully bare. He peeked up at Ed, cheeks pink and eyes shy. Even as his doctor, Ed had never seen him like this. They’d hardly undressed in the club, and anyway it had been so dark. There was something potent about getting to really look at him, now—under the bright lights of the exam room. Ed could make out the freckles on his shoulders, his forearms. He had a small, pale brown mole hovering above his belly button like a little moon. A silver-faded scar over his right knee. The hair on his legs looked fine as gossamer; blonder on his calves, turning slightly gingery as it crept up his thighs. 

Ed let out a slow breath. “Fuck, babe. You’re gorgeous.” 

He had the singular pleasure of watching the words hit Stede in real time—his reaction so visible, without a stitch of clothing on. A brilliant flush traveled from his cheeks, down his neck, his chest, all the way to his belly button. Ed wanted to lick it, to taste it on his skin. 

Ed took a step closer. “Can I touch?” he asked, hushed. 

Stede nodded. 

Ed took his time with it, his hands shaking slightly. He touched Stede gently on his chest, trailed fingers through the hair at his sternum. Cupped the smooth muscle of his pec in his palm. His thumb traced over Stede’s nipple, and Stede drew in a sharp breath. 

“I’ve never been especially sensitive there,” he said, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheek as he trembled beneath Ed’s touch. 

“Yeah?” Smiling, Ed repeated the gesture—scraping the calloused pad of his thumb over the hard, tight bud. Stede let out a quiet grunt at the touch. 

Ed pet down the length of Stede’s torso to his belly, his hips—just enjoying the feeling of his warm, soft skin. He couldn’t wait to find out what this man’s moisturizer routine was. It probably involved multiple bulletpoints and subheadings. And Stede was his boyfriend now, so Ed was going to get to learn all these things about him. Every lovely, precious detail. 

Stede’s eyes were heavy-lidded, watching Ed’s face avidly as he touched him. Patient, willing to let Ed explore, but hungry. 

“So pretty,” Ed whispered. “Can’t believe this is real. That I get to have you.” He trailed his hand lower still, and finally gave Stede what he’d been wanting. He wrapped his hand around his cock, and stroked him once, firm, from base to tip.

Stede let out a strangled sort of noise and thrust forward, instinctively fucking into his fist.

Ed placed his other hand on Stede’s hip, stilling him. 

“Turn around,” he said softly. 

Stede nodded shakily, and did as he was told. 

Ed stepped in close—even through his shirt, the broad expanse of Stede’s naked back was blazing warm where it pressed against his chest. He brushed kisses across the curve of Stede’s shoulder. He nosed along the side of his neck, pressed in behind Stede’s ear. Breathed in long and slow. 

“Fuck, you smell good,” Ed told him. “You always smell so fucking good.” 

Stede shivered. “Yeah?”

Ed nodded drunkenly, face still pressed into Stede’s neck. “Been driving me crazy for years.” He latched onto the side of his throat, sucking a bruise there—where anyone would be able to see. 

“I’ve wanted you from the first time you came in here,” he whispered into Stede’s skin.

Stede snorted. “Yes, ejaculating all over the exam table is certainly one way to make a first impression.” 

Ed laughed, but shook his head—still kissing Stede’s shoulders, the back of his neck. “Before that,” he said. “I wanted you before that.” 

Slight pause. 

“Well,” he conceded, “I thought you were hot. Jizzing on the exam table did seal the deal.” He picked another spot on Stede’s neck and started in on a new hickey. He was going to cover this guy in love bites. Write his fucking name on the side of Stede's neck in bruises. 

Stede was steadily melting back into his chest, his body liquid and pliant. He leaned his head out of the way, giving Ed room to work. “Play your cards right,” he said breathily, “and I’ll do it again for you today.” 

Ed had to close his eyes for a second. “Christ, Stede.”

“Too much?” Stede asked, after a beat of hesitation. 

Ed didn’t bother answering. He placed his palm flat against the center of Stede’s spine and pushed his chest down onto the table.

Stede went easily. 

For a moment, Ed just stood there, admiring him. Soaking in his own lust and anticipation—all those feelings he’d denied himself for four years now—as he drank in every detail. The flex and play of the muscles in Stede’s back as he settled in, propping himself up on his elbows. The way he arched his hips back, with all the coquettishness of a pin-up. The dimples in his lower back, like two perfect grips for Ed’s hands. The sweet, barely-there curve of his ass cheek, with its whisper of peach fuzz. The shadow-y area between his thighs, just the suggestion of his balls peeking out. 

Stede glanced over his shoulder, slightly nervous, but his expression melted into something dark and sticky sweet when he caught Ed’s eye, took in the way he was looking at him. 

He arched his back even more, the little slut. 

“Fuck,” Ed whispered, without even really meaning to. Stede’s smile broadened. Ed hoped he survived this encounter long enough to take him on at least one proper date. 

He fetched the lube from the supply cabinet before draping himself over Stede—chest to back. His own dick, already hard and aching in his pants, was snugged up tight against the curve where Stede’s hip met his ass.

He kissed the side of Stede’s neck, whispered low in his ear, “I’m going to touch you now, okay? Gonna spread you open for me.”

Pressed so close together, Stede’s shiver rolled straight through Ed’s body, too. 

Ed traced his now-slick finger down the seam of Stede’s ass. He paused at his hole, not entering him yet, just playing at the rim with light pressure. Stede let out the quietest whimper, his whole body trembling with need. 

“So good,” Ed kissed his shoulder sweetly as he finally slid inside. 

Stede pressed his forehead into the table padding and let out not that little, muffled sob-sigh Ed knew so well, but a full-throated groan, guttural and rough. Like he’d been holding back that sound for four fucking years. His body tightened around Ed, around the intrusion, and then melted, just like he always did. Stede slumped over the table, boneless, and it was so hot, Ed had to sink his teeth into the curve of Stede’s shoulder and bite down a little, just to control himself. 

“Fuck, you feel so good, baby,” Ed told him. 

Stede moaned again, his hips shifting and shuddering where Ed had him pinned against the table—searching for friction, trying to work Ed’s finger deeper. Ed let himself tune into every tiny sensation—all the details he’d tried so hard to ignore over the years. The panting of Stede’s breath, harsh where his head was bowed between his elbows. The plush heat of his skin, already dewy with sweat at the nape of his neck and down his spine. The smell of him; like roses and saltwater, yes, but also like sex—musky and sour and so heady Ed could practically feel his own pupils dilating every time he caught a whiff. 

And Stede’s hole, so hot and tight around him. Ed felt mad with it, so turned on his skin was buzzing. He thrust his finger in deeper, looking for that angle that would make Stede lose it. 

“There,” Stede sobbed. “Theretherethere, Ed please.” 

Yeah, Ed wasn't going to get sick of hearing Stede say his name anytime soon. 

Stede clenched down on him again, fucking himself back onto Ed’s hand erratically—desperate for more. Ed’s own hips bucked forward instinctively, thrusting against him. He could already imagine how good Stede would feel around his dick, how hot and tight and wet, and he had to bury a groan in the curve of his neck, unable to help himself. 

“Going to take care of you,” he slurred into Stede’s skin. “All mine.” He was properly rutting up against him now, his hips moving in time with his hand as he fucked his finger into Stede—steady and merciless. 

Stede twisted to meet his gaze—his eyes dark and glassy. “No one’s ever touched me like you do,” he said, voice hoarse. “No one makes me feel like this. Even if I hadn’t recognized you, I would have known the moment you put your hands on me.” 

The words sent a shudder through Ed, and his own cock dribbled a pulse of pre-come. It seeped into the weave of his underwear, and Ed reveled in the rough wet drag of fabric against his dick as he thrust against Stede again and again. 

“Wanted this for so long,” Ed murmured in his ear. “Do you have any idea what you’ve been doing to me?” 

“You’ve been my favorite fantasy for years,” Stede panted. “I always went home and touched myself, after our appointments.

Ed swore under his breath—his cock leaking steadily now. 

“I’d climb straight into bed,” Stede continued, “and fuck myself on my fingers, pretending it was you.” 

Ed whimpered. In retaliation, he pressed his finger deeper still—hitting that spot with pinpoint precision until Stede fucking wailed. 

Because Stede was right: no one would ever fuck him like Ed could. Ed knew exactly how to touch him. Exactly what he needed. 

Stede fought to catch his breath before continuing, “I’d imagine that you wanted me so badly, you couldn’t help yourself. That you were overcome, had to have me right here. Just like this.” 

“You have no idea,” Ed gritted out, “how close I came to begging for it.” 

Stede craned his head back to meet him in a sloppy kiss. “I’d still be slick back there, that was the best part,” he whispered—right against Ed’s mouth. “I could still feel the stretch where your finger had been. I fucked my own hole with the lube you’d applied, and I imagined it was you, fucking your come back inside me.”

It took Ed entirely by surprise: he just barely had the wherewithal to bury his face in Stede’s shoulder to muffle his shout as his orgasm was ripped out of him. He twitched and spasmed, overwhelmed and out of control. Bucking against Stede wildly as he came in his pants, untouched, like a teenager. 

Ed slumped against Stede’s back—squashing him slightly into the table. He was jello, he was pudding. He was pretty sure he’d drooled on Stede’s neck. Unclear if he’d ever move again. 

He buried his face in Stede’s hair and breathed and breathed, filling his lungs with great, heaving gasps of roses and salt water and sweat. 

Beneath him, Stede was very still.

After an untold amount of time, Stede tried, “Did you just…?” 

Ed could hear the smile in his voice. 

He burrowed his face deeper into Stede’s skin. “What? No? Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Another long silence, and then Stede burst out laughing—the sound merry and bright, and full of affection.

After a moment, Ed joined in.

“Shut up,” he mumbled as he kissed the divots in Stede’s spine.

“No,” Stede told him fondly. “I don’t think I will.” 

Chapter Text

Ed wasn’t sulking. 

He wasn’t.

Just. Stede had his annual exam today. And for the first time, Ed wasn’t the one giving it.

It wasn’t even a jealousy thing. He wasn’t being weird about some other man touching Stede’s butt. 

Okay, it mostly wasn’t a jealousy thing. 

But, like. This had been their thing, for years. When they couldn’t have anything else together, they had those appointments. It felt like an anniversary, of sorts.

And Stede was off celebrating it with some other guy.

Was Ed a little nuts, thinking of Stede’s annual prostate exam as an anniversary? Yeah, probably. Was it kinda batshit that he was feeling all emo about the fact that someone else was checking him over? Yes, definitely. But Ed was trying to do a better job at validating his own feelings, or some shit—so. Maybe he was allowed to be a little insane, actually.

He drew the line at sulking, though. Which he wasn’t doing. 

He and Stede shared so much together, now. They lived together. They slept in the same bed, and cooked meals together in the kitchen, and the right side of Ed’s couch now had permanent indents in the shape of Stede, where before it had looked sorta lopsided—only worn in on the one side. They argued about what wallpaper to use for the downstairs powder room remodel, and which lights were acceptable to turn on in the living room (Stede was anti-Big Light, Ed was a monster who got sleepy without bright overhead lighting). They washed their socks together all jumbled up in one load, and Ed even borrowed Stede’s sometimes, when he'd run out or was just feeling whimsical (which had gotten kinda awkward, once, when a patient caught sight of Ed’s peach-patterned socks on the day of their prostate exam. Not everyone appreciated a good theme.) 

The other day, Ed had borrowed Stede’s phone to google something, and now he had to pretend he hadn't noticed the way the search bar autofilled with suggestions about engagement rings. 

The point was, Ed didn’t need to spend all year looking forward to one twenty minute appointment, just to spend time with the guy, because they were in love, and they had a whole life together, and Ed got to put his finger up Stede’s ass basically any time he wanted, every day of the week. 

Even better, Stede got to put his finger up Ed’s ass, now. 

Giving up being Stede’s doctor? Easiest trade he’d ever made. 

But now that they were here, on the day of…Ed wasn’t mad, or anything. Just sort of blue. Out of sorts. Unexpectedly emotional.

It would pass. Ed knew that.

Didn’t help that his last two appointments had cancelled, though. He’d gotten home early, and Stede wouldn’t be back for hours, so all Ed had to do was pace and wind himself up and feel sad. 

He decided to take a bath, in the hope that it might chill him out a bit. The giant slipper tub was one of the reasons he’d bought this place, years ago, but he’d rarely used it, before. But then Stede had gotten him one of those fancy trays that holds your book and your wine glass and what-the-fuck-ever, plus a padded pillow that suctioned to the back of the tub and a stopper for the overflow drain so that you could fill the water all the way up to the top—because of course Stede Bonnet had his bath game on lock. 

Now bath time was a weekly occurrence, at least—Ed propped up against Stede’s chest, Stede massaging pretty-smelling oils into his skin. Hooking his chin over Ed’s shoulder so he could read aloud whatever book they were sharing at the moment. His hand creeping up Ed’s thigh, beneath the water.

Ed couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten in here alone, actually.

Now he was just bumming himself out again.

He did mellow, though, once he climbed in. He’d poured in the yummy lavender bath oil and lit a beeswax candle, and those heady, powdery scents combined with the hot water soon had his eyelids feeling heavy, his lashes skimming the curve of his cheek…

The sound of the front door startled him awake. His candle had burnt low, and the bathwater was unpleasantly tepid. He blinked, brain muzzy and slow as he tried to orient himself. 

“Darling!” Stede’s voice rang out from downstairs. “I’m home!” 

Instantly more alert, Ed leapt out of the bath, sloshing water everywhere in a way he knew would make Stede get all snippy later (something to look forward to). He threw a towel around himself and went thundering down the stairs.

Stede was standing in their front hall, holding a massive bouquet of flowers. 

Ed skidded to a stop, clutching his towel to his chest. “Babe?” 

It was truly the largest bouquet Ed had ever seen. Maybe the largest anyone had ever seen. Spilling over with creamy pink-mauve roses and bright orange-red poppies and dahlias so dark they were nearly black. 

Stede smiled at him, his whole face aglow. “Happy anniversary, sweetheart.” 

“Our anniversary is November 3^rd,” Ed said, feeling outside his body.

“Well actually, it’s Halloween,” Stede said, a bit waspishly—this was a long running fake argument between them. “But I was feeling a bit funny today, having my first physical without you.” He gave a sweet, sheepish shrug. “Cheered me up, to get you a little something."

Ed’s eyes suddenly felt all hot and prickly. “Babe,” he peeped.

“Can I kiss you now, please?” Stede asked.

Ed nodded. 

Stede stepped forward and took him in his arms, the flowers rustling slightly as they did their best not to crush them. 

Stede kissed him gently, firmly. The sort of kiss you’d do at a wedding maybe, in front of your family minister, or whatever. 

Ed wound his arms around Stede’s neck. He slipped his tongue into his mouth and moaned like a needy whore. His towel had gotten pinned between their two chests, and that was basically the only thing holding it up at this point.

Stede wasn’t complaining. He reached around to grip the bottom curve of Ed’s ass, hauling him in tight against him, and Ed indulged in a bit of lite grinding. 

Still, Ed was—as has been established—a little nuts. He couldn’t help himself.

He pulled back, breathless, to ask, “So how was it?”

“Hm?” Stede chased after his lips, eyes still closed. 

Ed evaded. “The exam?” 

Stede frowned. He leaned back to look Ed in the eye—peering at him closely. “Really, Edward?”

“What?” Ed huffed. “I can’t ask?”

“It was fine. Unremarkable,” Stede said. He sounded a tad exasperated, but in an affectionate sort of way. 

“So you didn’t come then?” Ed asked, a dog with a bone.

Stede looked scandalized. “Ed!”

“What? It’s not like there’s no historical precedent!” 

Stede clucked his tongue, shook his head. “Unbelievable.” 

Ed curled his hand around Stede’s lapel, reeling him back in for a kiss. Stede was tense for all of one second—still all bitchy and pouty—before losing himself to the heat of it. He walked Ed backward a couple steps until they clattered into the hall table, where they usually dropped their mail. Ed hitched his hip up onto the ledge, grinding into Stede wantonly. 

It was tempting, really. To get swept away. 

“Mmm,” Ed hummed against Stede’s mouth. He patted his chest and said, “Go put those in water, meet me upstairs.”

Stede raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Ed kissed him again, slow and wanting. “Wanna fuck you.”

Stede sighed against his mouth. Pressed Ed harder into the edge of the table, his dick a hard, hot line between Ed’s hips. 

And then he froze, going stiff in Ed’s arms.

Stede squinted at him. “Is this because of the exam thing?”

“What? No.” Ed scoffed. 

Stede wasn’t buying it. He rolled his eyes. “You are truly the most ridiculous man I’ve ever met.”

Ed readjusted his towel, hiking it up higher on his chest. “I just know how you get, is all.”

Stede’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “How I get?”

Ed shrugged one shoulder. “Yeah, prostate exams get you hot. We know this, c’mon.” 

“Edward,” Stede started, his mouth doing that haughty, pinched thing that made Ed want to roll over and show his belly, “has it ever occurred to you that perhaps it was just you, ‘getting me hot’?” He did the passive aggressive bunny ears and everything.

Still, it was kind of/a lot sweet. “Aw, babe,” Ed said, leaning in for another soft kiss. He pulled back and patted Stede’s chest again. “Still, best not to risk it. Go on, put those in the kitchen and get your little butt upstairs. We’re fucking.” 

“What a welcome home,” Stede said, dry as sand. 

Ed paused, halfway to the stairs. “That a no?” 

Stede shot him an incredulous look. “Well now you’re just being silly.” 

“S’what I thought.” And with that, Ed scurried off up the stairs. He tossed his towel in the general direction of the bathroom—missing the hamper by a mile. Ah, well. It would give Stede something else to bitch about, later. 

Ed threw himself on the bed and starfished out across the comforter. He was already a little turned on, just from the anticipation of it all. He could hear Stede clanking around downstairs. The sound of one drawer opening, then another, plus some grumbling, which meant Stede was hunting for the good scissors instead of just chucking the flowers in some water to be dealt with later.

He was going to make Ed wait while he actually cut the stems and rearranged the whole thing in a vase, wasn’t he? 

God, he could be such a nasty little shit sometimes.

Ed didn’t need to examine too closely why the very thought of it made his dick perk up a little more, where it lay against his belly. 

He reached down and gave himself a loose stroke. Tried to zone out. He might be here a while, after all. 

Finally, some time later, Ed heard Stede trotting up the stairs—his steps quick and eager. Made him smile.

Stede slowed once he hit the door to their bedroom, though. Leaned against the doorframe, drinking Ed in with dark eyes. 

“Look at you,” Stede said, voice low. “So pretty, waiting for me.” 

Ed’s back arched off the bed, involuntarily, and he whined. Gave his cock another squeeze.

Stede didn’t rush, though. He undressed slowly. Slipped off his jacket and hung it in its proper place on a hanger in their closet. His belt buckle clinked quietly as he drew it through the loops. Stede took pains to coil it neatly and set it on the dresser. Next, he stepped carefully out of his trousers. 

Through the whole process, his eyes never wavered from Ed. Ed flushed hotter and hotter under the attention. 

Stede was down to just his boxers and his socks. Ed propped himself up on his elbows to get a good look.

And frowned.

“I’m sorry, what the fuck socks are you wearing?” 

They looked like buttholes. Literally. Pink, puckered buttholes, on a blue background. 

But Stede didn’t seem to see the issue. He brightened. “Oh these?” He twisted his ankle around to show them off more fully to Ed. “Just got them last week, aren’t they fun?"

Ed stared at him, agog. “Uh, are you trying to find a new boyfriend??” 

Stede’s head shot up. “What? No!” 

“You wore butthole socks to your prostate exam!” Ed gestured emphatically. “That was our thing!” 

“Excuse me?” Stede put his hands on his hips, naked but for his underwear and silly socks. He stared down at his feet. “These aren’t butt holes, they’re sea stars!” 

(Ed made a mental note of the way Stede said butt holes, like it was two separate words. He was going to marry that man so hard.) 

Outwardly, though, he remained indignant. “What the fuck’s that pucker-y thing in the center supposed to be then? The purple bit?” 

“That’s its mouth!” 

Ed made a skeptical noise. Also: gross. 

Stede stamped one of his feet—adorable. “I got them at the aquarium,” he insisted, “with the kids!” 

Ed scoffed. “Yeah, heard that one before, mate. Nice try.” But seriously, whoever had designed these for the aquarium was clearly having a laugh. 

Stede narrowed his eyes. “All right, that’s quite enough out of you.” He crossed to the bed and climbed aboard, straddling Ed’s thighs. “I think someone’s had a bit too much time on their hands today,” he said—fake cross.

Ed’s hands moved of their own accord, stroking up the silky skin of his thighs. He already felt more at ease, with bare skin pressed to bare skin. 

Stede cocked his head, watching him keenly. After a moment, he softened. 

“Seriously, are you all right, darling?” He asked, earnest and sweet.

Ed stared back at him. “What?”

Stede’s brow furrowed further, a bit concerned. “You’re not actually feeling insecure, are you?”

One of these days, Ed would stop being floored by this guy. Because Ed was mostly joking. Like, 98% joking. But he had felt out of sorts. Melancholy. He couldn’t even find the right words for it, himself. But Stede was always able to just do that. Sift out Ed’s true feelings, like a prospector panning for gold amongst the silt. And just knowing that he could, that he was always on the lookout for Ed’s tender spots, wanting to care for them…it was perfect. Like Ed had just been careening around the universe, all his life, bashing his elbows and limbs into walls—hardly even noticing the bruises. And then Stede came along and gripped him by the shoulders and helped him steer around all the doorframes and furniture so that he wasn’t bumping his shins all the time and said—what if you slowed down? What if we were careful not to hurt you? 

So, to Stede’s question: was he actually feeling insecure? No. Ed had never felt more secure in his life. 

It was hard to even picture it, now—how lonely he’d been a year ago. How lonely they’d both been. They’d each spent so many years thinking they were difficult to love, that they’d just been built wrong—some internal defect, imperceptible on their skin, so that they moved through the world walking and talking and breathing and looking just like anyone else, but…off. Like their polarity had been switched, or something, so that they repelled anyone who tried to get close. They’d tried to make the best of it. Accept what they were offered. Making do with scraps, like Stede had said, once upon a time. 

And now they’d both found the absolute perfect person, who made it look so easy. 

Ed had mostly been joking. 98%. But now he was running a real risk of bursting into tears—dick out and everything.

Also, he could feel the words, perched right there on the tip of his tongue. Could practically taste them.

Marry me. 

Suddenly, Ed didn’t care about the big gesture, or some fancy dinner with a ring inside a cake. They’d done everything else in the most ridiculous way possible. Why not this? Why not propose to Stede with no ring, while Ed was bareass naked on a random Tuesday afternoon, and Stede still had Surgilube smeared on his ass. 

Make it a real anniversary.

Why not?

Well. For one thing, Stede would probably have a conniption about Ed upstaging him, but that wasn’t exactly a deterrent. 

They’d have to invent some other, less embarrassing story to tell the kids, obviously, but that was true of every other major milestone in their relationship to date, so. Might as well keep the tradition going. 

“Ed?” Stede prompted again—looking truly worried now. 

Suddenly, Ed needed to be the one to do it first. Needed Stede to know that he loved him so much, he couldn’t keep this inside him for even one more second. 

Ed gazed up at him, taking in Stede’s dear, beautiful face. Soaking up this moment before everything changed.

When he spoke, his voice was surprisingly calm. “Marry me.” 

Stede blinked so hard, it looked like he was trying to do a factory reset. 

Ed watched on—smiling, so in love it hurt—as all the competing emotions played across Stede’s expressive face. Irritation, that Ed had beaten him to the punch. Horror, at the circumstances of the proposal (with healthy doses of humor + exasperation). 

Disbelief, even after all this time, that someone wanted him like that (this one hurt a little, poked Ed somewhere tender).

And also: euphoria, delight, joy, rapture, love. 

“What?” he eked out.

“Marry me,” Ed repeated. He propped one arm up behind his head, settling in to get comfortable. 

“No!” Stede cried out, distraught.

Ed only smiled harder. “No?” His intentions were, like, 95% pure here. But he couldn’t pretend the competitive bastard in him wasn’t loving this, a little bit.

Stede shot him a withering look—seeing right through him. “No, you’re not supposed to-” He cut himself off, and his bitchy expression melted into something more vulnerable. Hopeful. “You want that, really?” There was that disbelief again. 

“You’re the only thing I want, Stede,” Ed answered—plain and sincere. “Forever.”

After that, four things happened in quick succession:

1) Stede dissolved into great, gulping, weepy tears—burying his face in his hands.

2) But only for a moment, because the next second he was thwacking Ed on the chest and shrieking, “Yes, you absolute asshole!”

3) This sent a white hot bolt of happiness through Ed’s whole body, such that it could only come out as a peal of hysterical laughter. 

4) Which was promptly cut off as Stede collapsed over Ed’s chest, kissing his face messily as he cried all over him and continued to swat weakly at his chest and shoulders.

Ed was still giggling between kisses. He felt giddy, fizzy—like a mento dropped in a bottle of coke. He wrapped both arms around Stede’s back, pinning his arms in place so that he could kiss him properly without getting thwacked to death. Stede wriggled in his embrace, evading Ed’s lips so that he could continue to press kisses all over his face—his chin, his nose, his temple, his eyeball. 

“You couldn’t have picked a more romantic moment for this?” he demanded wetly. 

Ed reached up and gripped Stede’s face in both hands, tugging him back a little so that he could look him right in the eyes. 

“Waited so long to find you,” Ed told him simply. “I don’t want to wait anymore.” 

Stede’s lip trembled some more, before collapsing under its own weight. He blinked up at the ceiling, trying to stem the fresh wave of tears. “Oh god, you prick.” 

Ed tugged him back down for a kiss. “I know.” He rubbed Stede’s back soothingly. “We can still do yours, later.” 

Stede nipped his lower lip—not gently. “Oh, you’d better believe." It sounded like a threat.

They lost themselves to the kiss—their bodies suddenly remembering they were mostly naked, and warm, and pressed up close. 

“Changed my mind,” Ed panted as he rutted up against Stede—making a mess of his fancy silk boxers. “Want you to fuck me.” 

Stede moaned against his neck, where he was currently sucking a giant bruise into Ed’s skin. 

The sex that followed was two parts tender, sweet, omg we’re getting married sort of vibes—Ed’s knee hiked up over Stede’s elbow so that they could stare into each other’s eyes and murmur all kinds of sappy, gross shit in between kisses—and one part filthy, possessive, demanding—Ed’s hands tangled in Stede’s hair, Stede’s teeth digging into the side of his neck.

And when Ed whispered, “Mine,” in Stede’s ear as he slipped one finger into his hole—still just barely slick from his appointment—Stede shuddered, and said “only yours,” and came immediately, like he was obeying a command. 

They melted together in the afterglow—sticky and sated and so in love. Stede was slumped over Ed, broad and heavy, just the way Ed liked ‘im. His face was tucked in under Ed’s chin, mouth slack against the side of his neck. Ed trailed his fingers up and down the length of his spine absently. 

Eventually, Ed’s brain started to come back online, and he couldn’t help the little laugh that rumbled out of him.

“Hm?” Stede mumbled blearily. 

Ed shrugged, jostling Stede’s head gently. “Nothing. Just. Y’know. Bit of a hair trigger on you there, huh?” 

Stede tilted his chin back just so he could glare up at Ed.

Ed kissed his temple. “It’s cute. And hot. Still gets you going so easily, every time.” 

“Shut up,” Stede grumbled, cozying into the crook of Ed’s neck once more.

“Nah,” Ed sighed as he wrapped his arms around him more tightly. “Don’t think I will.”