Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s been seven days since the new kid, Logan, showed up, and James didn’t like him one bit. He was nerdy and smart, but also athletic and great at hockey. So, he always had the right answers whenever he was called on and finished his work quicker than anyone else, and he was quick on the ice, scoring with ease using calculated shots. The girls in their class fell for his wits and dimples, which wasn’t fair . Now, James wasn’t intimidated. Of course not. He was still by far the coolest kid in third grade, but even he could identify that Logan had far too much power. 

At the beginning of the week, it seemed Carlos and Kendall were on the same page as him. Logan was pretty easy to pick on. They weren’t bullies or anything; they were just funny . Pantsing him and putting a sign on his back was peak comedy. Sure, it was mean-spirited, but some things are worth it for the joke.

When he noticed the sign, he just crumpled it up and threw it in the trash, which was not a satisfying reaction. However, when they rushed up to him and pantsed him in the cafeteria, his face turned red and he ran, teary-eyed. The embarrassment was funny, but the tears…James didn’t like making people cry. Neither did his friends. They ended up rushing after him and stammering out apologies. Or rather, Kendall apologized, Carlos babbled about how stupid they were to ever think that would be funny, and James just kind of nodded. The new kid wiped his eyes and forced a pretty pathetic smile before assuring them, “It’s whatever.” He sniffled. It would have hurt less if he had just shouted and not forgiven them, James thinks. 

Guilt wasn’t exactly James’ favorite emotion to deal with, so he decided he'd start hating Logan from a distance instead of acting on it. He was still able to express his disdain towards the boy with his friends, which was good enough for him. That was until a few days later, making it exactly one week since Logan had cursed their school with his presence…

“Y’know the new kid is actually really awesome,” Carlos said as he tossed his helmet in his hands.

“What?” James exclaimed, causing his two friends to jolt back. “Nuh-uh!”

“No, really,” Carlos insisted. “Even though we were mean to him, he helped me in math, and when I got really mad that I couldn't figure stuff out, he just did the rest of my homework for me!” Carlos gave a wide smile. “And he fixed the clasp on my helmet ‘cause he’s super duper smart!”

“Who cares if he’s smart?” James huffed. “He’s annoying. Right, Kendall?”

“Well…” Kendall began. 

Oh, they had got to be kidding.

“Traitors!” James accused. “You two are traitors!”

“C’mon, Jamie, he helped patch me up when I slipped on the ice. He said something about how he was going to be a doctor when he grows up.” Kendall rolled up his pants, revealing a band-aid on his knee. “Everyone else either freaked out or laughed at me because there was blood, but he was all calm and nice. It was really cool.”

“Yeah, cool people carry around Band-Aids , sure,” James scowled. 

“No, I mean he was so quick and ready and stuff! He bent down next to me and used his water bottle to clean me up, and he didn’t even make fun of me for crying,” Kendall explained.

Carlos snorted. “You cried?”

“It hurt!” Kendall insisted. “Anyway, when you guys come over later, Logan is coming with.”

“No!” James refused.

“Yes!”

“But—!”

“James, it’s the least we can do! My mommy said it would be nice since we were mean to him before. Can your dad still drive us, Litos? She can’t leave Katie alone in the house. She’s too little.”

Carlos nodded enthusiastically. Carlos’ dad, Antonio, mainly worked nights, so he typically picked them up after school. “I’m so excited!”

James was also excited a few minutes ago. But now he wasn’t so sure. 

When school finally ended, James was sitting with Carlos in the cafeteria, trying his hardest not to be mad at his friends as he saw Kendall approaching them with Logan in tow. Logan offered James an awkward wave matched with a half smile, and James nodded in his direction, his annoyance evident on his face. 

“Ouch,” James yelped as he felt Carlos' elbow crash into his side. 

“Quit being a jerk,” the boy in the helmet muttered. He then brought his attention to the other two boys. “My dad’s outside already.”

The walk to Carlos’ dad’s car was tense. Logan was making everything uncomfortable, James concluded. They silently packed into the minivan, James next to Carlos, and Kendall next to Logan behind them. 

“Hey, chulo! A new friend, I see?” Antonio asked Carlos. 

Friend isn’t the word James would use. Friend stealer, maybe. 

“Mhm!” Carlos confirmed. “His name’s Logan! He’s gonna be a doctor one day!”

“Really,” Antonio mused.

Logan blushed. “I’m going to try my best.”

Antonio nodded. “That’s all you can do. All that matters, really. I’m sure you’ll do great. How are the rest of you boys?”

“All good, papi!” Carlos said. Kendall gave a thumbs-up. James just muttered out, “Fine,” and let it be. 

“And your mommy’s home, Kendall? She knows you boys are coming?” Antonio asked.

“Yeah, she’s going to be home for a while. Parent-two-leaves, I think.” Kendall explained. 

Antonio squinted. “What do you mean, papito?”

“'Cause she had a baby.”

“Paternity leave?” Logan asked.

“Yeah, that!” Kendall nodded. 

James took a deep breath as the rest of them continued their conversation. It’ll be fine. After today, he’ll probably never have to hang out with Logan again. Carlos and Kendall just think he’s mildly interesting because he’s new, and Kendall owes him this playdate because they were kind of mean to him. Things will be the way they were supposed to be soon. The way it always was. Just James, Carlos, and Kendall. He can deal with a few more hours with a plus one. 

Chapter Text

Seven months into knowing Logan and James had no idea how he ever disliked him. It was as if Logan completed something within James, Carlos, and Kendall’s group. He was a missing piece, and now everything could make sense. Though James didn't quite have the vocabulary to articulate all that, so when somebody asked him about Logan, he would respond with an eloquent, “He is the smartest and the second awesomest.” James was the first, of course, and Carlos, Kendall, and Logan all shared that second spot.

It wasn’t hard for James’s previously negative emotions around Logan to dwindle. Logan started doing his homework for him and letting him cheat off his tests, so James’ grades started going up. Logan made James laugh so hard his stomach would hurt. Logan was super good at giving advice. When Kendall and Carlos were busy helping with their families, Logan was almost always free. He'd let James talk and talk while Logan did their homework. It also allowed James to get out of his chaotic house. Logan's mom and dad were out a lot, and his grandmother didn’t mind the company. Plus, Logan’s older brothers, Danny and Philip, made great snacks. But, they never shared their brownies. 

What sold James, though, was that Logan knew what to do when James felt really bad and started to tremble. He called it “anxiety,” which was a big word that looked made up, in James' opinion. He would help James take deep breaths and hug him real tight. Logan would say when he feels how James sometime felt, his family would do the same for him or he used a weighted blanket, which Logan explained was just a very heavy blanket. He got curious and asked Logan how he seemed to know exactly what to do when James felt shaky and weird. Apparently, Logan has something called autism. He said it’s why he’s so smart, but it’s also why he knew what to do when James felt like “everything is too much.” James doesn't think he has what Logan has, and Logan says everyone gets stressed sometimes. 

That was something else about Logan. He always knew what to say. Maybe that came with being a genius. 

“I’m sorry I used to hate you,” James said one day as they played with legos in Logan’s room. They were building houses. James’s house had a mixture of different colors and abstract shapes. Logan's was only red and blue, interchangeably in a pattern, and perfectly square. Kendall and Carlos had to leave their hangout early, so their houses were left unfinished, but James was going to sleep over. 

“That's so random,” Logan replied as he searched for a red lego. “It's okay, James. That was forever ago.”

“I guess,” James mumbled. He couldn't help but still feel a bit bad.

“Really, it's fine,” Logan assured. “I get it. There are things I don't really like about me either.” 

James knitted his eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”

"Well, we like other people, don't we? We don't really like ourselves,” he said casually as he carefully placed another block onto his house. 

“That's not true,” James insisted. 

“No?” Logan asked.

“No, I like myself a lot. You're supposed to like yourself,” James explained. He thought it was silly that Logan didn't know this. He seemed to know everything. 

“Oh,” Logan frowned. “Weird.” 

“What don't you like about yourself?” James asked, abandoning his house structure to face his friend. 

“I dunno,” Logan shrugged. “People back in Texas didn’t like me much.”

“That’s their loss!” James exclaimed. 

“You think?” Logan questioned.

“I know!” James began. “Everyone at school likes you. Kendall and Carlos like you. I like you a lot. I was just being stupid before…” 

Logan nodded, but James could tell he didn't believe him by the slight frown still on his face. So, he put his hands on Logan's shoulder and shook him a bit. Logan giggled in surprise.

“I'm serious, Logie,” James smiled. “You are super cool, and smart, and nice!”

Logan blushed a light shade of pink. James liked that face much more than the previous frown he wore. “Thank you,” he mumbled. 

“And you are super good at hockey, and you know how to backflip on the trampoline!” James continued. 

“Thanks,” Logan whispered, somehow more sheepish than before 

“And you have really pretty eyes and—”

“ James ,” Logan cut him off. James noticed his light pink hue that dusted his cheeks had morphed into a deep red, reaching the tip of his ears. “Thank you. I like you a lot, too.” 

James gave him a toothy grin. “Most do.”

Logan's door creaked open. “Time to head to bed, you too,” one of his brothers said. He approached Logan and gave him a long kiss on the forehead.

“Stop, Philip,” Logan muttered, pushing him away a bit. “My friend is here. You are so embarrassing.” 

Logan's other brother came in. He was lugging a mattress behind him. “Wow, you're really strong,”  James guffawed. 

“Thanks, bud,” Danny said. “I'll set this up while you guys brush your teeth, 'kay?”

By the time they reached the bathroom, James realized he had forgotten his skincare. Logan has said in the past that they don't need stuff like that at their age and that it might be dangerous. But James's mom insisted he keep his routine when he brought it up, so he rushed back to Logan's room, waiting behind the door when he heard Logan's brothers talking. 

“Logan was all blushy earlier. I think he has a crush.” James heard one of them say. Philip, it sounded like. 

“Seriously?” The other, Danny, responded, dumbfounded.  “Do you think he's gay?”

“Maybe. I mean, it would be fine if he were, right?” Philip asked.

“Yeah, yeah. I just mean...I don't know. He used to get picked on for being different, remember? I don’t want people to be little shits about it. If he is, I mean.” 

“I don't think this makes him different,” Philip insisted. 

“No, me neither,” Danny agreed. “Other people might, though. Fucking idiots.”

“Well, we'll just have to beat their asses. I'm not above fighting kids,” Phlip chuckled.

“Works for me,” Danny said. And James swore he heard the sound of knuckles cracking for emphasis. “It’s just kind of shocking. I would've never guessed…”

James was left with a few questions. Were Logan's brothers allowed to say bad words? When was Logan blushing, and who did he have a crush on? What does gay mean? His questions and care for the conversation he heard, however, quickly evaporated from his mind when he heard Logan calling out to him, telling him to hurry. 

Maybe his skin care could wait one day. He thinks Logan might know better than his mom anyway. 

Chapter Text

James had known Logan for seven years, and during all of them—even when they were only nine years old—James had dubbed himself Logan’s personal wingman. 

Almost every date Logan had ever been on had been set up by James himself. It wasn’t that Logan was hopeless or that girls didn’t like him. In fact, he never struggled to get female attention. How could he? James had eyes. Logan was a smart, handsome, athletic dude with dimples. The problem was his nerves, indecisiveness, and horrific commitment issues. So, James took over because he was such a saint.

And now, they lived in Los Angeles, and Logan had his first long-term girlfriend. Not a girl he went on a couple of awkward dates with and kissed a few times, or a randomly set-up date to a dance he’d likely never talk to again. A real girlfriend. It’s what James had been trying to help him achieve, and he didn’t even really need James' help this time. James should be happy for him.

So, why did he feel his stomach twist every time the name Camille left Logan’s lips? 

James loved Camille. He really did! She helped him with his first auditions; she was fun, loud, and passionate. She made him laugh so hard he’d almost cry. He kissed her that one time—though he tried not to think about that too often because it still overwhelmed him with guilt for sparking their messy on-again, off-again bullshit. 

With all that in mind, it made no sense why he felt the urge to roll his eyes and scoff whenever Logan brought her up. He never felt annoyed when Logan talked about Sarah in fourth grade, or Nyla in seventh, or Luisa in ninth. But, for some reason, he felt a discomfort brew within him when he thought about Logan and Camille together. And he couldn’t stop his jaw from clenching whenever he saw their over-the-top public affection. 

“You good?” Kendall asked. James had never been good at hiding his frustrations. “You’re staring at the wall like it personally insulted you.”

“I think I’m breaking a code,” James admitted.

Kendall raised a scandalized eyebrow in James' direction. “What code?”

“I think I like Camille,” James sighed, dragging a hand down his face. “I thought I didn’t. After the kiss, I was sure it was nothing, but every time I see her and Logan all couple-y, I get so mad. Logan started talking about her yesterday, and I had to leave the room. I get jealous of him, man.” 

Kendall let out a loud cackle before slapping his hand over his mouth, muffling his chuckles. “Oh, James,” he snickered. 

“What? It’s not funny.”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry,” Kendall said, not sounding very sorry at all. “It’s just…maybe consider the alternative?” 

“What alternative?” James furrowed his eyebrows.

“Maybe it’s not Logan you’re jealous of.” 

James just blinked, not following at all.  

Kendall sighed. “You’ll figure it out eventually, James,” he said with the smallest smirk pursed on his lips as he walked away to his room. 

“Kendall! What does that mean? Kendall!” But he was gone. 

…..

Over the next few days, James didn’t dwell much on Kendall’s words, but he did dwell plenty on his jealousy—that he noted was turning into a genuine, seething anger. But he couldn’t just tell Logan to stop talking about his girlfriend. That’d be weird. So, when Logan came back from Camille’s apartment, James found himself having to take a deep breath, preparing himself to hear him talk about her. 

“Hey, dude,” James called from the couch and offered a controller. “Wanna play Zombies, Zombies, and More Zombies with me?”

Logan forced a smile. “Sure.”

Immediately, James could tell something was wrong and paused the game. “What’s the matter?” 

“Camille and I…” Logan started, and James already felt himself gripping his controller harder. “We are off again. Permanently.” 

“You guys broke up?” James felt an excited buzz in his veins that he was not proud of and hoped it didn’t show in his voice. “For real this time?”

“Yeah, we did. It’s for the best, I think.”

“Probably.” Yes, yes, yes.

“Still sucks, though,” Logan huffed. 

“I bet. I’m sorry, buddy.” James abandoned his controller in favor of wrapping an arm around Logan’s shoulder. The thrill stirring in James intensified when Logan leaned his body weight against him. James prayed Logan couldn’t feel the loudness of his heart thumping against his chest.

It was a strange feeling. James had no urge to take a chance with Camille. At all. And not just for the sake of the code. He just didn't want to. He wanted to stay with his arm around Logan. He felt warm against him, and he was close enough to smell his cologne, and his hair felt soft where it tickled against his cheek and—

Oh.

Oh.

That’s what Kendall meant. That’s what this was. 

Well, fuck. 

James looked at Logan. His eyes were closed, and his brows were knitted, but he looked unsuspecting. James' heart thrummed louder, and he quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket, angling it away from Logan.

James: why didn’t u WARN me

Kendall: ???

James: YOU KNEW I LIKED HIM AND U DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME

Kendall: Oh lmao

James: u are such a fucker

Kendall: I gave you a hint.

James: what am i supposed to do now

Kendall: im not gay idk what you guys do

James: I DON'T THINK I AM EITHER??? I LOVE GIRLS

James: or i think i do???

James: this sucks so bad ken

Kendall: Like I said before. You’ll figure it out.

Kendall: :) 

James: die. like actually.

Kendall: LMAO

Kendall: You’d miss me too much.

James shoved his phone back in his pocket. Kendall was right, but he definitely wasn't going to tell him that. He had a much more important thing to worry about. 

James had known Logan for seven years, and he was just now realizing that he might have been in love with him the whole time.