Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rin hadn’t been expecting much. He hadn’t been expecting a celebration, a sudden reconciliation, or anything more than a sentence or two… but it seemed he really underestimated his brother’s hatred for him.

Sae hadn’t even glanced at Rin once when it was all over, and that wasn’t even the worst part, no. The worst part was the way Rin’s heart had foolishly swelled with hope when his older brother had walked over and stood beside him. The way he could feel his eyes practically twinkling as he sat there, exhausted and pushed past his limit… sitting there hoping, believing that Sae would say something to him.

Anything.

…

And he had said something, but it wasn’t to Rin.

He didn’t think he’d ever forget the way his sorrow seemed to suffocate him when the name that came out of Sae’s mouth wasn’t his own, but rather… Isagi.

“The one who drew out your instincts… and who will change Japanese soccer… is Isagi Yoichi.”

Isagi fucking Yoichi.

The lukewarm little Npc that Rin had barely even glanced at his entire time in Bluelock… another worthless obstacle in a faceless crowd of people he had to climb on and crush to reach his dream, but it turns out that had been a mistake on his part.

Rin had worked so hard.

He had sacrificed everything… any and all hobbies he had, possible friendships, school, all of it. He had sacrificed anything and everything if it meant he could be even a little bit closer to crushing Sae beneath his foot and forcing his older brother to acknowledge the progress he’d made… but in the end, he had failed.

The lukewarm player Rin had barely glanced at, Isagi Yoichi, had been the focus of Sae’s attention… the object of his praise and affection, and what made it even worse, was that he probably didn’t even know it.

Who was Sae to Isagi? A genius, world-class football player… anyone with a passion for football would surely hold his praise in high regards, but to Rin, Sae was more than that; Sae was his Ni-Chan—or, at least he had been until his Ni-Chan left to Spain and never returned, leaving nothing but the cold, heartless bastard Itoshi Sae behind in his wake.

He honestly wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but as Rin lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling blankly, he could feel the way his heart and mind seemed to collapse in on itself. He grit his teeth as his fingernails dug into the bed sheets. “Isagi Yoichi…” he hissed out quietly, biting the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted the bitter, coppery taste of his own blood.

A bitter, flurrying storm of emotions crashed through him as he laid there, his mostly blank face appearing to be almost calm to anyone who might be watching from the outside—though, not like anyone was around to see his undoing anyway. Waves of pure hatred swelled and crashed through his mind and body, the sheer agonizing force they gripped him with actually strong enough to make his body physically lurch and reel with each one as he mentally clawed against the dark, metaphorical ocean of emotions that threatened to drown and kill him nearly every day.

He felt rage; rage and hatred so powerful for both Isagi and his br- for Sae that he could barely even think straight. His blood roared in his ears and he felt like breaking something… anything. But, almost as soon as his emotions festered to just about boiling point, they suddenly dissipated as quickly as it had come, replaced by something a hundred times worse than any rage; something Rin tried so hard to forget and ignore in dark hours like these…

Sorrow.

Sorrow that no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he pushed himself beyond his limits, Rin didn’t ever seem to be good enough. Not for Sae, not for his parents who couldn’t even bother to make time to come and visit him in this godforsaken lonely house—though, that wasn’t much of a surprise… they had never said it directly, but Rin wasn’t stupid enough to miss that fact that Sae was their favourite golden child and that Rin was just the son they took care of out of obligation… not for anyone.

Rin wasn’t good enough for anyone.

The same question that had haunted Rin since they day his older brother died along with him on the field on that cold, snowy night, decided to attack him in his moment of weakness, rearing its disgusting, ugly head:

“Why?” He hadn’t even realized he’d been about to speak the words out loud until the sound of his own, ragged voice startled him.

Why? Why was Rin not good enough? Why was it that he could pour his very heart and soul into football and never be good enough for anyone? Why was it that, no matter how hard he tried, it felt like nobody ever saw him or even cared to try?

Really, it was pathetic… he shouldn’t be thinking about such useless, stupid things when he could be using his time productively to hone his football skills to the perfection that they needed to be able to crush Itoshi Sae and force him to acknowledge Rin.

“Tch…” how fucking lukewarm of him. It’s no wonder Sae wouldn’t even look at him after the U-20 match… he was fucking pathetic that even he couldn’t help but scoff at his own shortcomings.

Rin had never been as mentally strong as his br—as Sae. He had never had the capacity or apathy to separate himself from the constant cacophony of emotions that raged in his heart, no matter how hard he tried to make people believe he did… but he wouldn’t cry; only lukewarm fucking Npcs cried, and Rin wasn’t one of them!

So what if Sae couldn’t even be bothered to look at him… so fucking what if he acknowledged Isagi Yoichi instead of Rin? He shouldn’t be wasting his time moping over stupid things like this… he had two full weeks off of Bluelock which meant he would have plenty of time to himself to improve! “Fucking lukewarm… get a hold of yourself.” Rin hissed at himself angrily, the rage from earlier returning with will force, but this time, it was directed inward towards himself. “You’ll never amount to anything if you keep fucking moping like this you pathetic little shit…” he practically snarled at the ceiling, basking in the way the sharp words—although his own—stung his heart bitterly.

That’s right… in his moment of weakness, Rin had nearly forgotten the number.1 rule he’d set for himself after Sae crushed his heart that night:

Use your anger.

Bathe in it until it becomes a pain so agonizing, so unbearable that you have no choice but to either harness it for your own benefit or simply die forgotten and worthless.

Gritting his teeth, Rin pulled himself up from his bed that had felt like a prison these last few hours, scoffing as he checked the time and realized just how much time he’d wasted worrying over something as stupid as his emotions.

Deciding not to waste any more precious hours, Rin pulled himself to his feet, grabbed and unrolled his yoga mat, and began his daily stretch and meditation session. It had actually been working well to calm his raging heart and lift his spirits a little bit… until he heard his phone dinging and was met with a text from the last person he’d ever want to hear from again:

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“Hey Rin!”

What a fucking idiot… for clarification, he was referring to both Isagi and whoever’s stupid idea it was to force all the members of Bluelock to exchange numbers and join a group chat so they could ‘connect over the break’. Rin had tried to refuse at first—obviously—but he hardly could when Ego Jinpachi himself decided it would be a ‘good idea’ and practically threatened all of them to join.

Plus, what the fuck was Isagi even texting him? Rin had made it pretty clear on ever occasion possible that he didn’t give two fucks about friendship or anyone in Bluelock besides himself… couldn’t this stupid bastard just take a hint? Did he think they were friends? Why the hell else would he be trying to reach out?

Rin scoffed as he picked up his phone, thumbs flying angrily over the screen as he mustered up the most bitter, scalding response he possibly could to such a simple initiation.

To: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“Fuck off you stupid lukewarm bastard. We’re not friends so don’t ever fucking text me again.”

That should suffice to keep that Npc away from him… or, at least that’s what he thought as he threw his phone down and prepared to get back to his stretching but was quickly interrupted by the sound of his phone dinging again; apparently that bastard really couldn’t take a hint, or even a direct fucking declaration of hatred.

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“What do you mean we’re not friends? :(”

Disgusting… Rin could practically feel the innocence radiating from the idiot who’d sent that text, it’s frustratingly pure intentions reaching through out through the screen to mock him—seriously, how could such a fucking dumbass ever have bested him during the U-20?

To: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“It means we’re not fucking friends. I hate you and I don’t want you to text me, so fuck off.”

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“Aww you don’t mean that! ;P”

What the hell was this guy's problem? Rin had been just able able to pull himself from his useless stupor when this clueless idiot had decided to start bothering him, and was apparently completely immune to Rin’s rageful texts to ‘fuck off’.

To: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“I do, I fucking hate you. I’m silencing my phone. Don’t ever text me again, lukewarm bastard.”

Rin didn’t even bother to read the following text that he knew Isagi tried to send. “Stupid… fucking stupid.” He cursed out to nobody but the silence of his own bedroom… Though, for some strange reason, it seems that the lukewarm bastard’s texts had served some sort of purpose to him; they’d distracted him for quite some time and it felt good to release his anger on Isagi—even if it was just through a text. “At the very least he’s useful for a punching bag.” Rin mused to himself, quickly scolding himself silently when he realized he’d been dangerously close to smirking—what the hell?”

Sighing and rolling up his yoga mat, Rin grabbed his phone—still ignoring the periodic buzzes that meant Isagi was still trying to chat with him—and tidied his bed before deciding to head out.

How strange, something inside of him felt a little lighter…? It was probably nothing, besides, there was no time to spend anymore time pondering something like this.

He had training to do.

Rin really didn’t think anything of it as he closed his bedroom door behind him and made his way down the stairs, but when he did, he was met with a sight that sent a fresh wave of stabbing agony through his heart and made the already towering waves of emotion that much taller.

Standing in the the hallway with a suitcase at his side and looking as if he didn’t have a care in the world—or maybe he was just a dead, emotionless bastard with the social capacity of a corpse—was Itoshi Sae.

Itoshi fucking Sae.

Chapter Text

Rin stared blankly, his heart and mind frozen under the icy, petrifying gaze Sae’s blank, uncaring eyes inspected him with as they stood there, with Rin on the lower stairs and Sae in the hallway in some sort of silent showdown.

Sae’s mouth twitched a few times before going still again and for a second Rin thought he was simply going to walk away without a word, but what he did next was so much worse. “Are you going to keep staring at me or do you have something to say? If so, spit it out already… I don’t have all day.” Sae’s monotone voice chided him, somehow managing to express all the hate and resentment Rin knew Sae had for him regardless of his flat, unbothered tone.

The ice suddenly thawed, replaced once again by the furious storm and crashing waves that fueled Rin’s equally intense hatred. Gritting his teeth and scowling, he tried his best to mimic that same uncaring attitude Sae seemed to execute so flawlessly. “What are you doing here?” He asked bitterly, his voice not quite as unbothered as he was hoping for, and he knew Sae saw right through him.

Barely even bothering to glance at him, Sae raised an eyebrow before pulling out his phone, apparently too engrossed with whatever oh-so-important online tasks he had to even look Rin in the eyes as he spoke to him. “I’m staying here until my flight back to Spain.” He said flatly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and Rin felt his boat rock haphazardly as the water around him seemed to boil, sending the fumes right to his brain.

“Why the fuck are you staying here? Just go to a hotel.” Rin snapped out coldly, biting his cheek in the same spot he had earlier when Sae’s uncaring eyes flickered up to him for less than a second before focusing back on his phone.

“I’d prefer not to… besides, this is my house too.” He declared as if it were a simple fact, and that was what finally pushed Rin over the edge, knocking over his pitiful little boat and sending him crashing and flailing down into the boiling hot waters below; he was fucking mad.

“Really? Because you haven’t been here in fucking years.” He hissed angrily, clenching his fists and fighting back the suffocating, drowning-like pain in his chest when Sae made a noncommittal hum—of course he couldn’t be bothered to entertain or even acknowledge Rin’s rage… why the hell would he?

Rin could feel the way his lungs and throat seemed to contract under the weight of his rage and hatred, and he knew that if he didn’t get away from here and Sae as soon as possible, he would fully succumb to the ocean, drifting so far away from his safety boat that he might never again be able to find his it’s solace. He mustered up every single ounce of bitter hatred into his gaze as he attempted to burn a hole through Sae’s head—not that he noticed; he couldn’t when he wasn’t even looking—before biting out the most nasty, bitter, resentful tone possible. “We’ll have fucking fun lounging around and worrying about whatever the fuck is so important on that stupid phone of yours… I’ll be out.”

A part of him—the desperate, neglected child-like part of him—had almost hoped that his rage would draw some kind of reaction of of Sae, or at least get the fucker to look at him with anything other than blank disinterested… but as usual, having hope was a foolish, useless thing that only ever ended in painful disappointment. “Okay.” Sae answered flatly, not even glancing up from his phone as he strode right past Rin’s, dumbfounded, hurt face to head up to his room, not even uttering a single word as he closed his door behind him.

“Fuck…” Rin hissed out quietly, digging his fingernails into his palms so hard he might’ve broken a little bit of skin. Breathing heavily, he made quick work of collecting all of his supplies before heading out the front door and slamming it behind him. “Fuck, calm down…” he chided himself as he mindlessly let his legs carry him to the oh-so-familiar football field he and Sae used to practice in as kids—maybe not the best choice considering he was feeling this way… but it’s not like Rin was exactly conscious of where he was going right now.

He hated this feeling… the feeling of suffocating; of drowning.

Now, Rin had never actually drowned or even come anywhere close to it before, but he had swallowed a mouthful of seawater that one time he’d accidentally fallen off the pier into the ocean and flailed around until his Ni-Chan had jumped in to save him… and the sensation he felt during times like this was close enough, so he began to associate this feeling with drowning.

His chest felt tight and his throat, lungs, and eyes burned with pain. Why the fuck had Sae decided to stay at the house? Rin knew he had more than enough money to stay in the fanciest local hotel if he so chose, so why the fuck had he decided to crash in their old house? Was he just doing it to fuck with Rin and make his life an even more agonizing hell?

Honestly, Rin might’ve believed that to be the case when he took into account how fucking cruel and heartless that bastard Itoshi Sae was… but a few moments later he felt bitterly amused for even allowing himself to think that way.

Of course Sae wouldn’t go out of his way to piss Rin off even further… because in order to do that, Sae would have to acknowledge his existence in the first place—something that clearly repulsed him. Rin felt like an idiot for believing that Sae might be visiting solely because of him—even if it was a visit prompted by hatred and the intent to torment.

He was suddenly yanked from his hateful thoughts when his feet suddenly stopped moving. Rin hadn’t even realized that he’d already carried himself all the way to the football field and he wasn’t even sure if the dazed, spiteful state he’d been in on his journey here could even be counted as being conscious.

He hadn’t been here for a while. Being trapped in that prison of a soccer trainer camp hadn’t allowed him any time to return here, and now that he was, he really wished he hadn’t even come back in the first place. Before Bluelock—and U-20–this place had been a bitter reminder of that cold, cruel night his Ni-Chan had died and left behind Itoshi Sae, but it had also brought Rin a strange sense of peace and nostalgia… not anymore though.

The fresh gaping wounds caused by not only Sae’s lack of acknowledgement in the U-20, but also the way he’d so coldly dismissed Rin without so much as a hello after rudely barging into his house and declaring he’d be staying for no good reason was enough to flatline any sort of peace he might’ve felt from returning here. “Tch.. the fields lukewarm anyways.” He spat, but there really wasn’t anything wrong with the field—as old and worn as it was—it was simply Rin’s excuse to himself to leave without having to acknowledge the fact that he was too cowardly to stick around and dredge up any potentially painful memories he’d made here.

So as he turned away and set his feet back into autopilot, Rin was once again dragged back into the dark, suffocating depths of the ocean raging in his mind. It seemed to fill his very being, the salty water taking the place of any blood flowing through his veins and making him suddenly feel itchy; like his very skin had suddenly become a prison that housed the emotions he so desperately wished he could let spill out and be rid of for good… and when Rin swore he could actually smell the saltwater and hear the sound of waves crashing on rocks, he thought he’d just about lost his mind… until he blinked a few times and realized his feet had carried him all the way to the pier he and his Ni-Chan used to love hanging out on.

“Great… fucking great.” He smiled bitterly. He’d left a place of painful memories just to end up at one that was considerably even worse. Memories of him and his Ni-Chan suddenly filled his mind, offering him a fleeting sense of warmth and nostalgia before quickly rushing away just out of reach, leaving him with a cold, gaping hole in his heart that felt even worse than before.

Him and his Ni-Chan celebrated with those cheap, blue popsicles they’d always buy whenever they won a game—or lost, but it didn’t really happen often. Rin would always get the winning stick and Ni-Chan would constantly tease him about using all of his luck up on stupid things… but back then, words like that from his brother held no bite; they were simply fun and teasing… something meant to make Rin giggle.

If only his Ni-Chan hadn’t died in Spain and that bastard Sae Itoshi never made an appearance in Rin’s life. “Lukewarm…” he hissed at himself, enjoying the anticipated stinging impression it left on his heart whenever he insulted himself out loud; it was comfortable… a familiar sensation that usually helped him focus in on the immediate pain rather than the whole oceans worth of pain waiting for him right behind that much preferred superficial wound.

When Rin managed to snap himself out of it and pull himself from his thoughts this time, he frowned a little when he realized he’d somehow ended up with his forearms bracing against the railing—these little fits of dissociation might get dangerous if his legs ever piloted him somewhere where he had the capacity to get hurt if he wasn’t paying attention… but Rin barely paid that passing thought any mind when he registered how low the sun was in the sky already; the typical blue was starting to take in a hazy mix of orange and pink—a little too close to the color of Sae’s hair for his liking, so he shook his head before pulling out his phone to check the time.

5:30pm already? Rin had stormed out of the house in a fit of rage, so he hadn’t checked what time it was when he left, but he knew that he had to have been walking around aimlessly for at least a few hours for it to already be so late.

He silently cursed himself, berating himself harshly for once again wasting what could be precious training time on his pathetic troubles. Rin could feel the way the currents dragged him down deeper, whispering agonizing little jabs that eventually took on Sae’s voice, mimicking his cold, detached tone perfectly to the point of it being a little terrifying:

‘You’re worthless.’

“I don’t need you in my life anymore.’

‘You’ll never amount to anything if you keep wasting time feeling sorry for yourself.’

Rin hissed out loud quietly, not even caring when a passerby gave him a strange look. As usual, this feeling was absolutely agonizing. He had heard Sae’s voice in his mind a handful of times, usually saying the same thing relatively similar to what he was hearing now, but it was a rare occurrence; it only happened when Rin was feeling really shitty—which wasn’t that surprising considering Sae had practically just ripped his heart out twice within the span of the last few days.

He regrettably acknowledged that he couldn’t stand on the pier forever—as much as he wanted to—and would have to return sooner or later before it got too cold or dark for him to remain outside safely… but the idea of going back to that empty, lonely house—it wasn’t any less lonely or empty even with Sae’s presence, and if anything, it was even worse—ragged on his in a way similar to the way the waves below him lapped ferociously at the dock pillars; relentless and unforgiving were they ever to falter.

He didn’t want to go back and no matter how many times he willed his legs to move, they wouldn’t. Something like another hour must have passed with Rin just standing there, staring out blankly into the water in a way that must’ve made him look like an absolute lunatic, but it’s not like he could do anything about it even he wanted to—and he really was trying his best to get his body to listen to him; its lack of response pissed him off to no ends.

He might actually just end up standing there through the night—at least, that was a worrying thought that had began to nag at him in his panic until the feeling of his phone vibrating in his hand snapped him out of it. “Huh?” He exclaimed dumbly, some of the unrelenting, dark pressure submerging his mind seeming to recede when Rin looked down to find an unread message sent by Isagi—the latest of the 13 other ones he’d sent since Rin silenced him; did he not have a life?

Rin wasn’t sure what prompted him to open up the messages and read each and every cringe-inducing, lukewarm, and agitating message that goddamn Npc sent him, but he had, and he hadn’t stopped there. For reasons that were currently beyond him, Rin took the time to reply to each and every annoying attempt Isagi made at reaching out to him or inviting him to hang out with a respectable amount of ‘fuck off’s and ‘I hate you, stopping messaging me’s.

He was feeling fairly satisfied with himself and was moments away from sliding his phone back into his pocket when the feeling of his phone vibrating once again prompted him to see whatever stupid response Isagi might have to his generous amounts curses, and what he saw caught him off guard so much that he actually stumbled back half a step before finding his balance again.

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“Rin!? Omg you actually took the time to respond to all my texts? I knew we were friends!🥹”

“What… the fuck.” Rin breathed out, absolutely dumbfounded by Isagi’s seemingly endless supply of optimism and friendliness. He stared wide-eyed at the text for a few more moments as if mesmerized before quickly powering it off, refusing to entertain that lukewarm bastard any longer… but even as he finally found the will to get his legs moving in the direction of his house, Rin couldn’t understand the feeling that washed over him.

It felt like… the waves crashing down on him so mercilessly from earlier lessened a little bit, just enough for Rin to break the surface of the water and scramble gracelessly back onto his little boat.

…

For some stupid reason that continued to elude him, messaging Isagi made Rin feel like he could breathe again.

Chapter Text

Rin really didn’t understand this—something that didn’t happen very often. As he’d made his way back to the house under the cloak of fast-approaching darkness, he’d just barely made it back before the sun had set completely. And as soon as he’d stepped inside, he made a beeline straight for the showers despite not actually having done anything even close to training—Sae had luckily already been in the guest room, sparing Rin the pain and anger that came with seeing that bastard's face.

He showered, hating the way the cold spray of water made him shiver, but he put up with it—it allowed him to focus better when he had the physical discomfort to distract himself with. As he went through his cleansing and skincare routine on autopilot, Rin pondered this strange ‘Isagi situation’ with every ounce of intelligence he could call up from the depths of his mind—this was a very serious problem, after all.

Try as he might, Rin couldn’t come up with an answer. Why did messaging Isagi make him feel better both times he did it? The lukewarm bastard was arguably the source of all of the pain and agony Rin was feeling right now—actually, no. No, Rin might not have the highest score when it comes to emotional intelligence, but he knew better than to blame his downfall on Isagi. It was his own fault for being lukewarm, and Sae’s fault for being a total piece of shit with absolutely no regard for anything.

Isagi was his rival; he wasn’t the source of Rin’s anger, but rather a convenient outlet to take it out upon… and maybe that’s why cursing him out over text was what made Rin’s mind feel clearer and his heart feel lighter, because what else if not that?

Humming with satisfaction, Rin quickly wrapped up his shower, dried off, and clothed himself before letting his body fall backwards into his bed—he usually wouldn’t go to sleep without stretching a second time, but he was too tired to care right now.

…

He was fucking tired, so why the fuck was he not falling asleep? Rin tossed and turned, gritting his teeth with frustration at the normally easy-sleep that had decided to elude him tonight of all nights—could this day get any worse? But… even as he laid there silently raging at himself for being so out of it, a quiet, shameful corner in the back of Rin’s mind knew why he wasn’t able to fall asleep.

His phone.

It called out to him like a siren, whispering at him to check the texts Isagi had undoubtedly sent him since his last one, and that alone was enough to make Rin stubbornly shut the feeling down completely.

God, he really had to get his shit together. Missing training, yoga, losing his cool at Sae, and now actively wanting to text Isagi? He was losing his mind… but that would stop tomorrow.

Rin vowed to pull himself together tomorrow.

                        ~^~^~^~^~

Rin should’ve known that ‘pulling himself together’ was never as simple as he liked to believe it was… especially not when that piece of shit Sae seemed to be purposefully lounging around the house like an annoying pest for the only purpose of pissing Rin off—again, he knew that wasn’t the case—probably—but it still drove him crazy to know ends to see the batard lounging around like he belonged there; didn’t he have anything better to do!?

He had ignored it—for the most part—opting to keep to himself and skitter around Sae’s presence whenever the opportunity arose… but he should’ve know that method would only last for so long; after all, the endless, unquenchable storm that raged in his heart would never allow him any kind of peace, if only short lived.

By the third day, Rin had almost gotten into the habit of ignoring Sae’s presence entirely—it really wasn’t that hard considering the bastard didn’t even acknowledge his existence… precisely why he was shocked and almost dumbfounded when it was actually Sae to initiate a conversation between them; one that very quickly devolved into a argument—well, more like Rin angrily screaming at the blank wall that was Sae’s demeanor, desperately and secretly hoping to draw even the slightest reaction out of him but as usually getting his heart shattered in two when nothing came of the attempt.

“You don’t seem to train nearly as much as you should be.” Sae had lamented from his spot at the diner table after Rin had just returned from a rigorous three-hour long football training session—Why was he at the dinner table when he wasn’t even eating anything? Rin didn’t know… why Sae was bothering to initiate a conversation with him when he had already made it clear that he couldn’t give two fucks about Rin—and to blatantly mock him too?—he also didn’t know. He was too busy reeling and trying to regain some semblance of control as his brain tried to process the fact that Sae actually talked to him… and when he did, he felt a powerful, surging tide of anger wash over him.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Rin snapped out viciously, not even caring to attempt at wearing the apathetic mask anymore. “Are you blind? Has staring at that phone screen all day made you lose your vision?” Rin mocked, not even giving a damn when Sae turned to him to raise an eyebrow lazily; despite his unbothered demeanor, his eyes were sharp, as if he were looking for something in Rin’s reaction.

Within a split-second, Sae’s unbothered, disinterested demeanor turned nearly as sharp and icy as his gaze, the sudden shift catching Rin off guard and making his skin prickle. “I can see just fine… I’m just surprised that you think the amount of training you do is even halfway adequate considering how little progress you’ve made and how poorly you performed in your last match.” Sae bit coldly, his expression icy enough to freeze Rin’s heart over, momentarily stopping it and his mind entirely as he struggled to process the words.

Rin held on to his little boat for dear life as the metaphorical waves representing his emotions seemed to tumble and crash around him at the same speed his mind was trying to move to understand why this was happening to him. He didn’t understand… he just couldn’t fucking understand.

He’d been doing just fine, minding his own business, not bothering Sae or getting in his way… so why the fuck did he feel the need to tear and claw at Rin’s already broken heart while he was down? Was his lack of skill really so repulsive that even the ever-uncaring Sae couldn’t spend a few days under the same roof as him without having to mock his shortcomings? Had Rin been right that Sae really hated him so much that he’d gone out of his way to come here and torment him?

Clenching his fists so tightly that they shook, Rin let his football bag fall to the floor with an obnoxiously loud thump and clatter. “Why the fuck do you even care? You’ve made it more than obvious that you don’t give a fuck about me or what I do, so why the hell is the ‘great Itoshi Sae’ even bothering to waste his breath speaking to me?” He spat, narrowing his eyes when Sae’s expression seemed to darken even further.

“You’re right. I don’t care about you.” Sae nodded nonchalantly, the words—although nothing new—paired with his hate-filled, yet also uncaring gaze pinning Rin to the spot, and he really didn’t have any choice but to listen as Sae shattered his already broken heart even more—if that was even possible at this point. “As a brother, you mean nothing to me—you don’t even exist in my eyes.” He continued, the lax way he spoke such cutting, hurtful words only furthering Rin’s shock. “But, as a football player, I can’t help but be absolutely disgusted by your lack of talent. It’s almost humorous how hard you try when you’ll never amount to anything.” Sae finished, his cold, turquoise eyes—the ones Rin despised seeing whenever he looked at his reflection in the mirror—absolutely dead and devoid of any and all emotion, like the razor-edged words he spat at Rin’s already crumbling, shattered heart were completely effortless to speak out.

Rin opened and closed his mouth a few times, desperately scrambling for anything he could use as a retort… but he found nothing. For whatever reason, the angry, raging storm had decided to pick that very moment to give out on him… giving way into the slightly less erratic—thought still equally as agonizing—ebb and flow of the sorrow he tried so desperately to bury deep away, far from the surface.

He didn’t know what to say; nothing came to mind as he stood there. He didn’t understand what could have prompted Sae to lash out at him so suddenly… and now that he was here again, confronted by the dark, condescending version of Sae rather than the much more bearable—though equally hurtful—blank one that was usually devoid of any emotions, Rin found himself bitterly amused that just yesterday he’d been purposefully trying to draw a reaction out of Sae… because this was so, so much worse.

Maybe he’d gotten complacent… Maybe all that time being away from Sae and only being met with the uncaring, disinterested version of him had made Rin forget just how badly it hurt to be on the receiving end of his words when he was feeling extra cruel and condescending.

He stood there frozen like a deer in headlights as Sae’s cold, piercing gaze searched him for any sign of a reaction or retort, but when he found nothing, his usually blank face twitched a few times before a sour look of pure resent and disgust twisted his expression—wow, Itoshi Sae, a cold, ruthless football player who almost never showed any kind of reaction apparently felt so disgusted by Rin’s very existence that he thought the occasion worthy of actually expressing a flicker of emotion. “You disgust me.” He said simply, as if the look on his face and the merciless verbal attack he’d just inflicted on Rin hadn’t been enough and he wanted to ensure that his point got across.

Rin grit his teeth and clenched his fists, but it wasn’t for an attempt at restraining himself from yelling or lashing out, no… it was because Rin would do absolutely anything and everything in his power not to let the tears welling up behind his eyes escape—he hadn’t cried in over a year, and he’d be fucking damned if the first time he cracked was in front of and because of Sae. Averting his eyes and not even sparing him another glance, Rin picked up his football bag, turned on his heel, and stormed up to his bathroom as quickly as humanly possible.

As soon as he’d made it and managed to lock the door behind him after slamming it, uncaring if Sae heard the sounds of his little tantrum or not—who was he kidding, of course he cared; he always had—Rin barely even had the strength to fight it as his legs trembled moments before he fell to the floor; his only saving grace was the fact he’d managed to catch himself on his hands before completely busting his face open on the white, sterile tile.

He felt sick; nauseous to his stomach…the kind of nausea that wasn’t actually there to be productive and expel harmful toxins from his body, but the disgusting, retching kind of illness that left him dry heaving and gripping into the toilet seat for dear life with pale, trembling fingers. “Gh-“ he choked out dryly, gagging on nothing, but still leaning his face a little more over the toilet bowl in case he’d been wrong and his body was actually moments away from rejecting his lunch from earlier.

Gasping weakly, Rin swallowed down the bile piling in the back of his throat and shakily pulled himself to his feet, making his way over to the tub and roughly yanking the shower knob up to full blast before stripping out of his disgusting, sweaty clothes off and tumbling in. He hissed as the scalding hot water burned over his sensitive skin, the heat a stark contrast to the usually frigid showers he took, but it hurt all the same so he really didn’t care to change it—all he wanted was the pain.

Swaying slightly as he struggled to regain his balance after nearly toppling over when trying to grab his soap, Rin braced both of his hands out in front of him against the wall, gritting his teeth as the boiling water scorched his sensitive back and scalp. “F-fuck…” he bit out quietly, trying to ignore the way his chest heaved and trembled with nausea and pain. “Fucking lukewarm, get a damn hold of y-yourself-“ his voice cracked pathetically as he was apparently too disgusting and worthless to even be capable of cursing and insulting himself.

It didn’t get better; his nausea and lightheadedness paired with the ever growing temperature and steam in the bathroom made his discomfort that much worse, and at some point, the mental and physical pain gnawing away at his very being became too much.

A unbearable flurry of questions and emotions swirled around in his mind, fueling the raging storm that had evolved into something that felt more like a hurricane at this point… and Rin knew that there wasn’t even a point in fighting it; sometimes, even the strongest, sturdiest of boats capsized when confronted with the power of a storm, and Rin’s worn-down, long-broken, sad little excuse of a vessel couldn’t even be compared to something so reliable… so off he went, ruthlessly and mercilessly knocked overboard and left with nothing but his own broken sense of self and willpower to try and drag himself out.

So, essentially, it was absolutely hopeless.

From the outside, it looked like Rin was simply bracing against the wall with his eyes downcast and his soggy bangs covering his gaze. Anyone looking at him would see the thin trails of liquid falling from his eyes and assume it was simply the abundant amount of water splashing onto his face… but Rin knew better.

Only Rin would know that he was crying.

Chapter Text

”Ni-Chan!” Rin cried out, desperately looking around for his big brother and breaking into a fit of weak sobs when Sae came running over.

“Rin? What’s wrong—oh.” Sae breathed out, his eyes going wide for a few moments when the sight of Rin’s bloodied, bruised knee came into focus. “What happened?” He asked calmly as he knelt down and rested a small, comforting hand on Rin’s head before ruffling his hair affectionately.

Rin sobbed, bringing his pudgy hands up to wipe the tears and snot running down his face. “I-I fell and- and it hurts!” He wailed loudly, clutching the back of Sae’s shirt when his brother swept him up into a gentle hug. “Ni-Chan…” he sniffled quietly, turning his teary blue eyes towards his older brother for reassurance.

“Don’t worry, Rin.” Sae shushed him gently, leaning over to take a look at Rin’s scrape. “You’ll be okay… it’s really just a scrape.” He explained as he pulled a bandage out of his pocket, his voice as calm and collected as ever. “There you go.” He smiled as he carefully laid the bandage of Rin’s scrape. “Are you okay? He asked softly, his turquoise-blue eyes shining with concern and affection that most people would never have the privilege of seeing.

Sniffling and wiping his tears, Rin nodded, bringing a hand up to smooth out and admire the cool Godzilla themed band-aid his brother had given him. “I-I’m okay.” He murmured quietly, pouting a little as he was still not quite over his tumble.

Sae hummed for a few moments, observing Rin’s pouty face before smiling a little and reaching a hand out to ruffle his hair again. “Do you wanna go get ice cream?”

                     ~^~^~^~^~^~

It wasn’t even really the football aspect of his and Sae’s relationship that really bothered Rin. Yes, it pissed him off to no end that he was still way too inadequate to have even the slightest chance of playing football on Sae’s level yet, but that was nothing but shallow jealousy and frustration manifesting from his impatience.

What stabbed Rin's heart until he felt like he couldn’t breathe wasn’t the fact that Sae refused to acknowledge him as a football player… but the fact that he refused to acknowledge Rin as his little brother anymore, no matter how hard he tried to change that.

Rin loved football—well, he wasn’t sure he could say that with full confidence anymore; for some reason, the joy and passion he felt for not only football but also everything else he used to enjoy seemed to be fading… drifting further and further away with the current—and of course he wanted Sae to acknowledge his talent and hard work—that was what fueled him to stay so disciplined—but the lack of acknowledgment as a football player was nothing in comparison to the absolute agony he felt when Sae would casually and cruelly announce that he no longer saw Rin as a little brother—in his words: ‘Rin didn’t even exist in his eyes’.

Day by day, it chipped away at him, shredding his already paper-thin sense of self and confidence inexplicably smaller and smaller to the point that Rin feared that one day there would be nothing left of himself.

His older brother had been the one constant in Rin’s life, the one person he’d always ignorantly and desperately believed that he’d be able to rely on and who would love him unconditionally… because without Sae, Rin had nothing.

His parents weren't horrible people, but when he compared how they treated him to how they treated and practically worshiped the ground Sae walked on, they sure did look pretty fucking lukewarm in comparison. As much as Rin resented them for never having cared for him as much as they did Sae, he would be lying if he said he didn’t love them at least a little—they never abused or neglected him to a disgusting extent, after all—but they’d never held a candle to the love and deep-rooted admiration he’d had for his older brother.

…

But now, his older brother was dead; his precious Ni-Chan was gone and wouldn’t ever return because it was pretty obvious by now that no matter how much Rin dedicated himself to football, Sae would never look at him with those same affectionate, loving eyes like he used to… and that fucking killed him.

“L-lukewarm…” he stuttered out to himself weakly, hissing in frustration and desperation when the slight sting he felt from the insult did almost nothing to mask the throbbing, stabbing pain in his heart; he was crying and no amount of masking pain would be able to put a stop to that… so at some point, Rin stopped trying to fight it, uncaring of how weak and pathetic he was for letting his emotions get the better of him; he desperately needed to get it out.

Rin cried silently, moving brainlessly and methodically through his strict wash-routine, only pausing for a few long moments when he realized he was technically done and should be wrapping up his shower to head back downstairs… but the idea of facing Sae with red, puffy eyes that were a clear testament of his weakness sent a wave of shame and anxiety crashing over him—he definitely couldn’t do it.

But, he absolutely hated the idea of just sitting around in the bathroom and wasting his time doing nothing… So after a minute or two of deliberation, Rin decided to put the drain-plug in and draw himself a bath—anything to justify avoiding Sae.

He hadn’t taken a bath in years; he’d never really had the time, energy, or even really cared to… plus, the idea of laying around in a tub and soaking had about the same amount of productivity as lazing about on the couch—well, in Rin’s eyes at least—but he supposed that just for today, he could justify it as a method of de-stressing’ and ‘letting his sore muscles recover’.

Dragging his exhausted, limp body from the shower, Rin made quick work of preparing a bath for himself, uncaring of the way water dripped off his still-wet skin and made puddles on the floor. The water was warm as he slowly lowered himself into the bath, and he’d be lying if he said that the sensation wasn’t pleasant or comfortable to his aching muscles… but it really didn’t do much to soothe what was really bothering him.

No amount of comfort would be able to spare him from the whirling, angry storm of emotions that Sae had ignited in him, and no longer having the painful, scalding spray of water clawing at his raw skin to distract him only made it that much harder to focus his attention on anything else but the pain in his heart. “Stop crying…” he scolded himself, but his words barely even had any bite or bitterness behind them anymore; he felt too weak.

It was utter agony.

The nausea that still hadn’t left him, nor had the constant sense of vertigo or the angry, dreadful pain that settled in his heart and clutched at his throat and chest like a vice… it was the definition of torture, and Rin had absolutely no idea what to do about it.

No amount of harsh insults he spat at himself did anything to lessen his pain, and this paired with the fact that Rin still hadn’t been able to get himself to stop crying was starting to frustrate him and even ignite a little bit of panic.

Ever since his Ni-Chan had left him, Rin very rarely had moments like these where he couldn’t reign in his emotions with a few bitter insults or a couple exhausting hours of football training to clear his mind… which meant he was starting to get really fucking desperate to regain even a semblance of control.

Pain… he just needed pain.

If insulting himself wasn’t enough, then maybe Rin would have to find some other source of physical pain to distract him. He was already in the bath so the shower spray was out of the question… maybe he should just pinch himself a few hard times and see if that would work.

…

Yeah, that hadn’t done shit.

He needed something stronger… he needed an all-encompassing, physical agony strong enough to rival the pain he felt in his heart in order to balance the scales. He felt like he was suffocating, like his heart was squeezing so tightly that the blood could no longer flow through his body… so as logic stood—if there was even remotely logical about this situation—Rin would just need a pain strong enough to rival that sensation, and well, there was a whole tub of water right here.

Of course Rin wasn’t about to actually suffocate himself in a bathtub… that would be lukewarm and absolutely idiotic of him. He just needed something to focus on besides the sounds of roaring thunder and whipping winds that had become something like a 24/7 white noise in his brain.

He hesitated for a few seconds, questioning if what he was about to do was a sign that he was absolutely losing his mind… but when a fresh wave of pain and tears tore through him and wracked his body with more brutal tremors, Rin didn’t take even a moments longer hesitation before letting his back slide down the tub wall and submerging his entire head into the blurry, silent depths of his bath.

It was a strange sensation to say the least. Rin couldn’t remember the last time he’d submerged himself fully in water like this, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t find the experience quite interesting. When he opened his eyes, the water blurred his vision to the point that he couldn’t see anything but extremely hazy, disfigured blotches of color and rays of light, and when he took a moment to focus in on what he could hear, he was pleasantly surprised to find that the answer was absolutely nothing—well, not nothing. Rin’s ears and mind were filled with the sound of… well, whatever the hell water sounded like when it went in your ears, and he found it to be quite grounding.

It was a bit ironic that the sensation of submerging himself in water was what had finally enabled him to regain a sense on control and self again considering the fact that Rin had somewhat personified his all of his anguish in the form of a metaphorical ocean that always threatened to swallow him alive… but he really wasn’t complaining if it meant he’d found a new distraction that would suffice.

The terrifying sounds of the storm swirling in his mind were muffled by the oddly soothing sound of being fully dunked in water, and just when he thought his newfound coming mechanism couldn’t get any better, Rin was almost pleasantly surprised when he became aware of the burning sensation in his lungs from lack of oxygen.

Just like drowning, he thought to himself dazedly, not thinking much of it when his mind started to go fuzzy and black tendrils began to creep along the edges of his already blurred vision.

How interesting… who would’ve thought that the sensation of suffocating physically was what it would take for him to forget the much more familiar sensation of metaphorically drowning within the dark, painful recesses of his own mind? It really was quite relaxing, and the way that the blackness started to overtake even more of his vision as his mind went pleasantly numb was quite an addicting sensation… Rin really felt like he could stay down here forever and-

BREATHE!!!

“Gh- ack!” Rin choked out as his head suddenly yanked itself up as if by instinct and a desperate breath of air filled his burning lungs, immediately supplying the oxygen his brain needed to function. “What… what the fuck!” Rin shrieked a little too loudly, his voice raspy and strained with panic and fear.

The tendrils of black receded and as Rin let his lip upper-half drape across the tub's edge. He gasped and shuddered as the weight of what he’d just been doing finally sank in, and he couldn’t help but feel a sudden clutch of cold, icy fear grip his heart. “W-wha…” he breathed out weakly, failing to calm his racing heart no matter how much he tried to focus on relaxing his breathing.

What the hell was that!? What was that feeling? It felt as if… Rin had lost any and all control over both his mind and body, and he couldn’t help but succumb to the sweet, seductive siren song telling him to chase the physical pain he so craved at any and all cost. “F-fucking stupid…” he hissed at himself, shaking his head as images of what could have happend to him if he hadn’t snapped out of it in time.

Rin could have fucking died… and by suffocation in a bathtub of all things! “So damn lukewarm…” honestly, was there any more pathetic and stupid way to die than that? He really didn’t think so.

Rin shook his head, regaining his sense of balance to the best of his abilities before hurriedly rushing out of the tub and drying himself off. He drained the tub, pausing to turn back and give it one last longing glance before berating himself harshly for even entertaining the idea of going back in and risking his life just to feel that sensation again. It was fucking stupid, but he had to admit that it really was a pleasent feeling; being able to shut away and ignore any and all—no! What the fuck was wrong with him!? He was acting like a god damn crackhead itching for his fix!

Since when had he gotten so weak? First, Rin had exploded and cried because Sae insulted him—seriously, that wasn’t even anything he shouldn’t be able to handle—and then to top it all off his brain had chosen the worst possible time to dissociate and he’d nearly gotten himself drowned because he couldn’t just suck it up and face his problems directly without any distractions. “Weak… weak, weak, fucking weak.” He repeated bitterly like a mantra as he dried off and got himself dressed.

Scowling at himself in the mirror as he took in the sigh of his red, puffy-looking eyes, Rin felt like an idiot for not thinking ahead and realizing that opening his eyes under the water would emulate the effects of crying and only worsened his appearance. “Shit…” he cursed out quietly, trying his best to wipe his eyes and smooth out his air to at least appear somewhat put together, but it really was no use.

Rin was only able to find a twisted sense of satisfaction and grounding when he chewed on that same spot on the inside of his cheek, relishing in the bitter taste of his own coppery blood spilling out and leaving a stinging pain in its wake. He picked his phone up from the counter, pausing a little bit when he did the math and realized he’d managed to kill two whole hours since his and Sae’s fight.

Had enough time passed for him to assume that Sae had already left to do something else, or would he still be there if Rin were to go downstairs right now? He didn’t think so… from what Rin had observed Sae would usually make his way to the guest bedroom at around 6:00 pm—early as hell… did the bastard sleep for 12 hours a day?—and it was well past that time by now. “He’s probably gone…” he assured himself quietly, but honestly, Rin didn’t know what he would do if he was wrong and ended up having to face Sae again—and with his eyes so red and swollen, there was no way he wouldn’t know how much his words had actually managed to affect him.

Rin sighed, his face screwing up with disgust when he realized he’d gnawed a little too much on his cheek and the amount of blood flowing into and across his tongue was just getting gross at this point. “Gross…” he scowled, leaning over the bathroom sink to spit a fairly decent amount of blood out and not even caring to wash it down the sink before drying off, pulling on his clothes, and walking out the door.

Luckily, as he’d predicted, light could be seen shining from the crack under the guest bedroom meaning Sae had already wrapped things up for the night, and Rin wouldn’t have to see him and risk breaking down again.

“Bastard…” Rin cursed out in the general direction of where he knew Sae was currently resting, and with one last sad, wistful look, he turned on his heel and prepared himself for another quiet, lonely dinner.

Chapter Text

Sae blinked his eyes open groggily, internally scowling when he realized that for whatever reason, he’d woken up way too early for him to reasonably start his day; the sun hadn’t even risen yet.

Whatever, he had to use the bathroom anyway. Silently and with the grace of a cat creeping through the night, Sae pulled himself tiredly out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.

He didn’t think much of anything when he’d wrapped up… that was until a flash of red caught his eye right before he’d been about to turn on the water and wash his hands. “Blood?” Sae breathed out quietly, his expression twitching ever so slightly as the sheer amount of it settled in. “What the hell…?”

Why was there so much blood in the bathroom sink, and better yet, why was there of all places to begin with? Sae’s mouth twitched into a barely perceivable frown—anyone who wasn’t familiar with his habits wouldn’t have even realized his expression had changed in the slightest. Rin had been in the bathroom for quite a while after their little spat… had he done this? Why had he left his blood in the sink, and why had been bleeding so severely in the first place?

“Whatever.” Sae shook his head, washing his hands and the blood in the sink along with it without much more deliberation. “He probably just injured himself like an idiot while he was out training…” he told himself, not quite sure why he even cared to think about it in the first place.

He made his way back to bed and tucked himself back under the sheets, resolute on falling back asleep as quickly as possible and not messing up his strict-sleep schedule any worse than it already had been.

…

Really, he shouldn’t even care why Rin had left so much blood in the sink. As logic stood, Sae’s assumption from earlier had been right and, in his ineptitude, Rin had probably just fallen and cut himself. He’d most likely cleaned his wound in the sink and had just forgotten to wash it down… and even if that wasn’t the case, Sae shouldn’t care anyways.

Emotions, relationships, family… All of it was nothing more than a distraction to him; something that would do nothing but hinder his football career, which was precisely why Sae had chosen a life without any of them. Besides, if he were to express even the slightest bit of concern over Rin, it would undoubtedly rekindle that unhealthy level of attachment he used to have for Sae—and honestly still did… and that would do nothing but hinder both of them.

Rin had to understand that Sae had his own life; one far away and completely isolated from Japan and anyone in it, and It was about time he grasped the idea of independence… The sooner Rin did that, the sooner he would finally relieve himself of the stagnant stupor he’d been in and maybe finally make progress in his football career.

Not that Sae cared what Rin did or what happened to him… but his inner-football player couldn’t help but naturally critique and evaluate someone who showed some potential, which was precisely the reason he couldn’t help but decide to spend his visit here rather than in some hotel. As lukewarm as Rin was in some aspects, Sae would still be intrigued to see him improve… but to do that, he would have to learn how to control his emotions and deal with pain.

The reason Sae had gone out of his way to purposefully antagonize Rin wasn’t out of some twisted sense of cruelty… he was just curious if Rin would be able to handle the same level of mockery and ridicule from Sae that he’d have to deal with if he actually made it to world-level football anyway… and what he’d found was no.

No he could not.

It was honestly a little disappointing—from the perspective of a football player evaluating another, of course—that Rin, although having managed to somewhat mimic Sae’s apathetic, unbothered scowl under certain circumstances, still had such little control of his actual emotions. It was one thing to wear the mask of indifference, but what made someone weak from someone strong was that those with true mental strength didn’t have to wear a mask… they simply had such good control over their emotions that there was no need to have physical restraint in the first place.

It was somewhat of a shame, truly. If only Rin could just separate himself from the irrational attachment he had to Sae, his true ego might be able to flourish and he might actually become a considerably respectable opponent… but, if in the end he couldn’t handle the pressure, then it really was never in the cards for him anyway.

There were countless talents in the world, and a considerable amount of them in that Bluelock program alone, which actually surprised Sae. A few players showed genuine potential, and the one who stood out to him the most was Isagi Yoichi. His ego was pure; he played for no one but himself and the sheer want to improve… Really, Rin could learn a thing or two from him.

“Hm.” Sae hummed out quietly, his blank gaze trailing patterns in the bumps on the ceiling. “Isagi…” he was clearly the heart and soul of Bluelock, and he had even been the one to awaken Rin’s instincts, if only for a moment… Perhaps that was the push Rin needed?

From the brief interactions and observations he’d seen between Isagi and Rin alone, he could tell the older boy clearly already saw the younger as his rival, and after the words Sae had carefully calculated as a means of purposefully provoking Rin, there was no way that sense of competitiveness and rivalry was one-sided any longer.

Sae had been speaking nothing but the truth when he spoke those words out loud after the U-20 match had finished, but it was also true that he’d specifically crafted them and made sure that Rin would hear them clearly as a means to purposefully spark that rivalry; it would be a good sense of motivation for both of the boys.

Perhaps he should use the anger and competitiveness Rin felt for Isagi as a means of toughening him up rather than just going with blatant insults? Rin would have to get used to all kinds of mockery and hurt from every single angle if he wanted to have a shot at surviving world-class football, but it was pretty obvious he wasn’t anywhere near ready enough for that yet… so it would probably be in his better interest as a player if Sae narrowed his focus to a more specific pressure point of rage rather than just spitting random insults.

Sae hummed to himself again, lost deep in thought for who knows how long before the sound of birds chirping startled him from his daze. His mouth twitched in surprise when he pulled his phone to realize that an entire hour and a half had passed since he’d first woken up.

He hadn’t anticipated getting so lost in thought, and for something so trivial as well… and now his sleep schedule would surely be off for the next few days. “Tch, how lukewarm.”

Chapter Text

Rin was honestly still a little shaken from everything that had happened in the tub, and his seemingly declining sense of mental stability in general… but for the most part, he’d pushed it aside and focused all of his attention on his football training as usual.

There was no point in thinking about it for too long, and he’d already pushed it so far into the deepest depths of his mind that he rarely even thought about it—well, that was until Sae had apparently decided to keep his cruelty streak going strong and unprovokedly torment Rin even more.

Identically to the last time it happened, Rin had been completely minding his own business, preparing the dishes he’d need to cook himself a healthy, protein dense meal that would nourish his muscles after his cardio-session when Sae had picked that very moment to strike.

There was no warning or hints that he would attack… he simply walked into the living room, paused for a few seconds to give Rin a blank, indecipherable look for a few moments, and decided that it would be the optimal time to tear out Rin’s heart and stomp on it until it was nothing but a pathetic pile of long-dead flesh that served no further purpose.

“Training yourself physically won’t make up for the lack of proper motivation.” Sae exclaimed, his eyes as detached as his voice, and Rin almost found it amusing—in a twisted, bitter sort of way—how amazing his capacity for spitting the most cruel, heartbreaking insults out of the blue was.

Feeling a rush of indignation, hurt, and anger paired with the almost-exasperation that washed over him, Rin whipped his head around at record speed to shoot Sae the coldest, most irritated face he could summon before turning back to his meal-prep; he was dead set on not letting himself get too worked up… but of course, Sae just had the special way of pushing all of his buttons and so cruelly and fueling the raging storm within him with striking efficiency.

“Really, it’s no wonder Isagi stole that final goal from you.” Sae lamented casually, almost as if he was thinking to himself out-loud and Rin just happened to be in the room while he did it… but they both knew that was not the case. “His ego is much more pure than yours, and I can’t help but wonder how long it will take before he inevitably surpasses you-“

“Alright, what the actual fuck, Sae!?” Rin screamed out as he slammed his bowl down on the counter—later he’d lament on how amazing it was that it hadn’t broken—with a resounding ringing sound that bounced through the entire house and left a sharp, tense silence in its wake. Gritting his teeth so harshly that he felt his jaw might pop, Rin turned back around to glare daggers into Sae that he hoped reflected the absolute hatred flowing through his bloodstream like a riptide. “Do you seriously not having anything fucking better to do? I’m just trying to fucking eat and you come in here and start insulting me for no fucking reason!” He cursed angrily, trying his very best to ignore the uncomfortable heat and emotion pooling behind his eyes—seriously, when had he come such a cry baby? Sae hadn’t even insulted him to the extent he usually did—yet—and Rin was almost tearing up like a fucking lukewarm little toddler? “If you think Isagi is so great then why not head over to his house and use your precious time on him instead rather than wasting mine? Since he’s so amazing in your eyes, why don’t you just go recruit him as your little brother and striker instead of bothering me!” He shouted, pouring every ounce of the hurt and rage that had been simmering and bubbling up within him since Sae had first insulted him—oh, who was he kidding… it was all the hurt he’d felt since Sae broke his heart in the snow over a year ago—into his words and voice.

He huffed angrily, his chest heaving with agitation and hurt while his boat rocked and swayed turbulently as he silently awaited Sae’s undoubtedly cruel, uncaring response… and he did not disappoint Rin’s expectations.

“Hm.” He hummed, feigning a look of consideration before meeting Rin’s eyes again and nodded casually. “Isagi Yoichi would be quite a good little brother and striker to have.” He nodded simply and obviously with intent to hurt—he’d made his intentions for being here more than obvious last time… but Rin didn’t think even Sae could comprehend the absolutely soul-crushing effect those words had on him at that very moment.

Nothing but a few simple words to Sae… but to Rin, they sent his whole world spinning out of control. This time, he didn’t even try to fight it—not that fighting would have made a difference in the first place—as the wave of pure dreadful agony crashed through his entire being, suffocating and drowning him… snuffing out the faint, barely flickering light that was his sense of identity until there was hardly anything left.

One of the only things that helped Rin to cope with the fact that his brother no longer loved him was the fact that Sae didn’t really seem to love and care for anyone or anything except football anyways. The entire concept of family, relationships, and emotions in general were completely worthless and nothing but a hindrance to his larger goal; to become ever increasingly better at football… and in a shallow sort of way, it had always made Rin feel better to know that Sae hadn’t stopped caring about him individually—even their parents had been on the receiving end of the shift in Sae’s demeanor after Spain…

But now, everything Rin thought he understood and even found solace in was forcefully ripped away from him with nothing but a few casual words from Sae.

Rin had offered it as a mocking joke; nothing but a bitter, rhetorical suggestion that was simply shallow spite manifesting verbally in the heat of the moment…and he never actually expected Sae to not only consider it legitimately, but also agree with it being a good idea.

So it wasn’t that Sae just didn’t care about family or forming relationships… he just didn’t care about Rin specifically.

…

Really, he shouldn’t even be surprised; it shouldn’t even hurt so badly considering everything Sae had already put him through… but there was something about the idea of him actively searching out someone else to fill the role of ‘little brother’ when he couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge or show even a hint of compassion for the real one standing right in front him on the verge of crying that just completely broke Rin—even more so than he had the first few times.

Of all people… Isagi Yoichi?

Maybe Sae was really just saying it because he got a sick and twisted sense of glee from seeing Rin squirming in pain, but even just the idea that there was really a truthful reason behind his words was enough to make Rin sick with nausea and jealousy.

Not only did Sae think Isagi was a better player than him, but he apparently thought he was so amazing that he’d even go as far out of his way to declare him the ‘little brother Rin wasn’t good enough to be’? Was it because Isagi had stolen that final goal from him during the U-20? Was it because Rin was really so lukewarm and lacking that he was too blind to see something in Isagi that made Sae so awestruck?

He didn’t know, and frankly, right now he didn’t care about anything besides getting the hell away from Sae as quickly as humanly possible… and so he did just that.

Without so much as another word, Rin put his bowl away, rinsed the fruit he’d been about to peel before putting it back in the counter, and turned on his heel to beeline straight for the upstairs bathroom, only letting the tears slip free from his eyes once he was certain he wouldn’t whimper loud enough for Sae to hear. “W-why…” he choked out quietly, letting his back slide down and brace against the doorframe before slumping down to sit on the floor entirely.

“Why?”… it always came right back down to that simple question no matter the situation, didn’t it?

Why did Sae not love him anymore?

Why was he never good enough?

Why did it feel like no matter what he did, he would always arrive right back here? Right back to this dark, cold place of pain and suffering—well, nowadays Rin felt like he never even left that place; like it had become his new 24/7 to be fully submerged in the dark ocean of his mind, trapped in an endless, painful cycle of drowning and revival if just to suffer through the whole thing again after being brought back.

“Why… why, why, why?” He repeated like a mantra as he brought his arms up to wrap around his knees in a pitiful attempt at a self hug.

Sae used to wrap his arms around Rin and comfort him whenever he got sad… but he supposed that privilege was something long lost on his part, and instead, would be reserved for Sae’s brand-new, precious little brother: Isagi Yoichi.

Rin didn’t even have it in him to feel any hate on Isagi’s part… hell, he really didn’t have it in him to feel anything but sheer exhaustion and the weak, quiet plea for all of his pain, loneliness, and never-relenting suffering to just give him a break. Just a small, tiny little break was all he wanted; anything really would suffice…

But Rin knew better than to place his well-being on something as shallow and worthless as a plea or a wish; he would have to take things into his own hands if he truly wanted a moment of relief.

He told himself he wouldn’t do this again, that it was a stupid, dangerous idea that only offered him a moments of reprieve while simultaneously putting his health and life as a whole at risk were he ever to let his concentration slip for even a moment… but Rin felt like he was moments away from drowning anyways; like he was being dragged deeper into the ocean of doubt and pain than he’d ever been in his entire life, and if he didn’t do something to mitigate the damage as soon as possible, he would be permanently lost anyways.

it’s not like he would actually do anything that would cause any permanent damage to himself… and was dunking his head underneath the water really something to be that alarmed about anyways? Tons of people had countless different methods of coping, and Rin would argue that although his was pretty lukewarm and pathetic, it was still on the milder side. “It’s not that bad…” he reasoned with himself weakly, all too aware of the fact that his pain-ridden, muddled brain was no doubt just itching to feed him any excuses and justifications possible if it meant he would just take the plunge—literally and metaphorically.

What else was he supposed to do if not find a way to cope? Obviously he wasn’t strong enough to put up with Sae’s torment through sheer strength of mind and heart… so what other option was left? Waste precious time crying and screaming for hours everyday because he couldn’t handle the pressure? If that was his only other choice, then Rin would eagerly take the pseudo-drowning route before that any day of the week.

Rin bit down roughly on the inside of his cheek—yes, in that same spot; maybe the blood loss from that would ultimately be more dangerous than the half-way attempts at drowning himself?—to feel that same grounding sense of pain that he needed to focus just long enough to pull himself up. Shakily, he got to his feet and set about drawing himself a bath—he didn’t even care that he hadn’t showered before doing it—and just barely managed to get everything set up before a fresh wave of pain hit him.

Gritting his teeth roughly, Rin spit out the blood pooling in his mouth into the sink—really, this was starting to become a bad habit—without washing it down and stripped off his clothing, not even hesitating for a moment before tumbling into the bath.

“It’s not that bad…” he assured himself one last time before letting his back slide down and his head go under.

Chapter Text

Sae honestly hadn’t been expecting that reaction… partly. The initial anger was what he’d been hoping for when he mentioned Isagi, and he’d been certain that he was right to focus on Rin’s rivalry with the boy rather than just mocking him… but things had quickly gone downhill and devolved into something Sae hadn’t been anticipating.

He’d stormed off before Sae barely even had the chance to test the waters—something that was fairly uncharacteristic of him… and similarly to how had reacted last time, Rin had made a beeline straight for the upstairs bathroom and had promptly slammed the door before presumably locking himself in.

He knew Rin was emotional—at least, way too emotional to survive the kinds of torments he’d have to put up with to have a chance at making it out of world-class football alive—but it seemed that, today, Sae had really struck a nerve within him.

Now, normally Sae would consider that to be a good thing… It meant he was accomplishing his goal of ultimately pushing Rin further away from his unhealthy level of attachment while simultaneously conditioning him for the kinds of things he’d go through when he made it to higher leagues… but something wasn’t sitting right with him right now, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

He wasn’t sure why, but his subconscious was screaming at him that it was highly suspicious that Rin had chosen to hide away in the bathroom of all places again, and for so long too… How much time had passed since their little spat now? Two full hours? Seriously, what the hell was he doing up there? Was he just lazing around and waiting for Sae to leave the area, or was he actually biding his time with something-

Wait, hold on… why did he even care? So what if Rin chose to hide in the bathroom because he couldn’t handle the pressure… As long as Sae continued his side-mission of conditioning Rin and fueling his rage adequately, he didn’t have to worry about anything else.

“Tch… how lukewarm.”

                     ~^~^~^~^~^~

Sae knew that waking up that night would end up screwing over his sleep schedule for a few days. Once again, he found himself awakening at roughly the same time as the first occurrence, and he felt that same strange, itching need to use the bathroom—he never had to go in the middle of the night before… Was he simply drinking too much water?

Once again, Sae tiredly pulled himself to his feet and made his way over to the bathroom—with considerably less grace as he had the first time, he had to admit—and quickly wrapped up his business and had been moments away from washing his hands, when he saw it again.

Blood.

Even more that there had been the first time Sae saw it… and this time, he couldn’t ignore its strange, unsightly presence any longer, or the blatant connection it had with Rin and how much time he seemed to be spending in the bathroom anytime the two of them got into a fight.

Something sour curled in Sae’s stomach as he stared into the crimson-red splatter in the sink. Call it an inkling of doubt, a crack in his armour of disinterest and detachment… but his instincts were trying to tell him something, and he wasn’t about to ignore it.

With a few moments of hesitation, Sae slowly and methodically began to check every cabinet and drawer in the bathroom, anywhere that Rin could be hiding… something—he refused to actively acknowledge what that something might be until he had direct evidence.

With every object he found that could be considered even mildly sharp, Sae felt the knot in his chest grow tighter and tighter… a feeling he hadn’t felt in years rooting itself in his heart:

Nervousness.

“There’s no way…” he shook his head, his mouth and throat going suddenly dry when he pulled out a pair of small hair clipping scissors and it really dawned on him what the implications of Rin spending so much time alone in the bathroom with sharp objects while he was feeling emotionally charged could mean.

He had to be wrong; Rin was stubborn, hard-headed, and despised his own weakness with a burning passion… there was absolutely no way he’d ever let himself succumb to something so… lowly and filthy as a method of coping.

But… to be fair, Sae understood what it meant to be on the edge of your life-line; he’d been ready to do absolutely anything and everything to distract himself from the burning pain of humiliation and crushed ego that he’d experienced in Spain a few years ago, after all.

He hated to admit it, and he fucking despised the physical reminders left on his body as a testimony of his own weakness…. but it was also his own personal experiences and understanding that allowed him to realize something was not right.

But why would Rin even do something like that to himself? It's not like Rin was in an environment as oppressive and humiliating as what Spain was for Sae… really, apart from Bluelock and Sae’s purposeful provoktations, wasn’t he still living a relatively normal life?

Was it possible that Sae’s torment really was having that significant of an effect on him? He couldn’t be 100% sure that his assumptions were right, and maybe he truly was just projecting his own weakness onto how he perceived Rin…. But it's not like he could sit around and ignore the implications of what was going on—his naturally observation-inclined brain wouldn’t let him even if he tried.

It’s not like he could sit around while his little brother a potentially world-class striker could very well be destroying himself.

Chapter Text

Something in Rin just felt… hollow.

Maybe it was the continuous periods where he deprived himself of oxygen that were potentially frying his brain to the point of no longer being able to feel anything… but honestly, if it really was, he didn’t really care; he’d already made dunking his head under the water a habit that he practiced almost everyday now, and nothing was going to stop him from doing it—not that anyone even cared enough to want to stop him, but still.

Luckily for him, Sae had apparently decided to give him the small mercy of halting his attacks—for now… but who knows when he would strike?—giving Rin ample room to focus solely on going through the motions of his training and conditioning… but that didn’t mean his presence wasn’t painfully obvious, and if anything, it almost seemed to get more suffocating and intense as the next few days went on.

His cold, alert eyes seemed to stick to Rin like glue whenever they happened to be in the same room, and for some reason, Rin couldn’t help but feel on edge; like Sae was some kind of predator just waiting for him to show a moment of weakness to strike him dead… but still, he tried his very best to cope with the feeling—and by cope he meant taking exaggeratedly long baths to emulate drowning himself.

It was honestly getting a little concerning just how much his brain anticipated and craved the feeling of submerging himself in water. It was getting to the point where Rin would be in the middle of football practice and his mind would randomly start imagining how good it would feel to wash up back home and dunk himself in the tub… it had even gotten so bad that he’d managed to trip over his own feet while doing drills, sending him crashing haphazardly to the ground where he continued to lay still and unmoving for almost half an hour before finally finding the will to get up and head home.

He knew something was wrong; he knew that whatever the hell that was happening to him wasn’t normal… but he just couldn’t find it in him to care—hell, it took almost all of his willpower just to drag himself out of bed and go through his routine; nothing sparked any kind of motivation or joy within him anymore.

But whatever… who cared if a piece of Rin died every single time he caved and relied on his self-destructive coping mechanism? As long as he could suffocate and calm the raging storm and turbulent waves within him, he couldn’t care less if he had to sacrifice a part of his soul along with it to rid himself of the pain.

As soon as he got home and made his way through the living room where—surprise!—none other than Itoshi Sae was lounging around in, Rin felt his mood go from bad to worse. Sae didn’t say anything to him, simply stared and inspected him with those same cold, unreadable eyes… but his presence made Rin feel like shit all the same, so as soon as he finished putting away all of his equipment, he made a straight shot to the bathroom, already excitedly anticipating the feeling he’d so desperately been craving since earlier—god, he was the equivalent of a drug addict now, wasn’t he?

As usual, the feeling of his lungs and eyes burning with pain was a satisfying reprieve from his life. It was like his own personal little world free of Sae, his parents, expectations, sound, light, emotion… just his own little paradise where he could bask in and revel in all the comforting pain he wanted without any interruptions, but unfortunately, he couldn’t stay down there forever.

Despite the fact that Rin had been slowly taking longer and longer to resurface for air—he’d been getting progressively more desensitized to the pain, meaning he’d have to intensify it to feel that same level of satisfaction that he craved—he still had a limit, and he knew that if he were to push too far beyond it, he could actually slip unconscious and end up drowning for real… and he refused to die in a bathtub of all places.

Sighing in disappointment, he left his little water paradise to face the deeply dreaded reality that he always hated having to return to. He frowned at hissed as he pulled himself out of the water, rubbing at his wrist when he looked down to find a strange looking rash on it. “What?” He breathed out quietly, momentarily confused before he recalled back to the nasty tumble he’d taken in the football field—he’d gotten a rug burn from catching himself on his forearms, and the scalding shower paired with the extended bath had probably agitated it to the point of being a rash. “Great, now I’ll have to deal with this for the next few days.” He groaned bitterly, cursing his past self for being so clumsy.

He quickly finished cleaning up and dressing him, feeling a little bit better in that twisted, hollow sort of sense than he had earlier… but of course, things could never just be that easy for him.

When Rin finally pulled himself together enough to be deemed somewhat presentable, he slowly made his way down the stairs, trying his best to ignore the lightheadedness that seemed to accompany him everywhere nowadays—simulating drowning yourself would do that to a person—but when he finally made his way into the living room, he was taken aback to find Sae still there.

Why was he not in his room yet? Going wide-eyed, Rin took a quick side glance at the time on the microwave: 7:06pm… why the hell was Sae not in his room? He usually kept a strict schedule and would go to great lengths just to preserve its integrity… plus, it didn’t look like he as actually actively doing anything downstairs—he was just sitting there, doing nothing as usual—so why the fuck did he feel the need to stick around? Was he just doing it to torment Rin even more?

Not even bothering to hide his scowl, Rin gave Sae the nastiest look possible to signal to him that he was not wanted here… but of course, being the ever uncaring piece of shit that he was, Sae barely even seemed to notice—even if he did it’s not like he would comply anyway—but whatever… as long as he didn’t try to start shit, Rin would be able to ignore him—mostly.

He mindlessly prepared the things he would need for dinner, occasionally stopping to scowl and scratch at the agitated skin of his wrist underneath his hoodie sleeve… and luckily for him, it seems that for whatever reason, Sae had picked that very moment to get up and leave. He stood up suddenly and almost rushed up the stairs in a manner that Rin would be a little shocked to see from him if he had the energy to give a fuck… but he was just too tired from everything to really care at this point; he was just glad Sae had left and had taken his stupid, peircing gaze with him—seriously, what was his problem? Why did it seem like he’d been watching Rin extra close lately?

“Whatever…” he murmured to himself tiredly, busying himself with warming up his leftovers from last night—he’d decided he was too tired to cook something new—but when he heard what sounded like frantic shuffling from upstairs, Rin couldn’t help but wonder what the fuck Sae was doing to his damn house. “The fuck is that bastard doing…” he cursed out quietly, but he really didn’t have it in him to go and check it out—whatever… if Sae ended up making a mess, he’d just clean it up before bed.

Dazedly, Rin finished preparing his food and sat down at the dinner table. He really didn’t feel like eating—his appetite had been going down recently—but he knew that if he didn’t, he’d suffer for it tomorrow. He’d been less than a second away from eating his first spoonful of rice when he was met with the bitter sight of Sae returning downstairs. Their eyes locked as soon as he was within sight, and for a horrifying moment, Rin thought he was about to try and start something… but after a few seconds of simply burning a hole into Rin’s soul, he turned on his heel and left—okay, he was getting weirder by the day.

Sighing and shaking his head, Rin simply focused his attention back on his food. “Fucking weirdo…” he cursed out quietly, not even trying to comprehend what the hell could be motivating Sae to act the way he was…

It was a lost cause, afterall.

Chapter Text

Sae couldn’t fucking figure it out, and he hated it. He usually prided himself on his intelligence and sense of logical deduction… which meant the mystery regarding Rin was really starting to get to him.

Almost every night since the second time he’d seen the blood, Sae had been making it a point to head to the upstairs bathroom periodically to check if Rin had left anymore…. but he hadn’t found anything, which meant Rin had either stopped injuring himself—no, wait… Sae couldn’t be sure he was actively injuring himself; he shouldn’t make assumptions without sufficient evidence yet—or, he had just started washing any blood he left into the drain… and Sae really hoped it was not the latter.

He’d almost been convinced that he really was just being paranoid for no reason and Rin had really just accidentally gotten injured and happened to leave his blood in the sink on the same nights Sae coincidentally woke up… at least, until he had seen Rin scowling and rubbing at his wrist underneath his hoodie—hold on, did he ever take his hoodie off in front of Sae? Wasn’t it a bad sign that he seemed to never expose his wrists when in public?

That had been the last straw for him; he didn’t even care to keep up his nonchalant facade as soon as he’d seen Rin’s suspicious fixation on his wrist. The moment his brain had seen him do it more than enough times to be recognized as a pattern, Sae had practically leapt from his seat and rushed upstairs into the bathroom, frantically checking for any signs of blood, injury, or even just any sharp objects that were out of place.

Sae had carefully arranged the sharp objects in a way that he would know if one was moved, and yes, he knew that Rin could logically be using a razor or a pair of scissors for a completely normal reason, but he still wanted to keep track of everything just to make sure… but what he found caught him off guard.

Not only was there no blood or water in the sink—a sign that any potential blood couldn’t have been recently washed down—but literally none of the even somewhat-dangerous objects Sae had meticulously organized were even the slightest bit out of place.

He grit his teeth for a few moments, his brain racing to come up with any other logical conclusion as to why Rin spent such an exaggeratedly long amount of time in the bathroom and had subsequently started rubbing and fixating on his wrist of all places afterwards… but similar to every other time Sae had paused to ponder this same question, he came up with nothing that felt logical enough to quell him.

It was honestly driving him a little mad… both the fact that he couldn’t get a good enough of a read on Rin’s situation to come to a solid conclusion and take the appropriate following actions, and also the fact that he was getting so riled up to begin with.

Yes, Rin was a decent striker with a fair amount of potential… but there were countless of those in the world being made every single day! And yet, Sae had gone completely out of his way to not only spend his break under the same roof as Rin, but also spent countless hours contemplating, crafting, and calculating the things he’d have to do and say to get Rin prepared for world-class football.

Sae was supposed to be focusing on his own goals and leaving Rin to sort himself out on his own… but here he was, unable to smother the inexplicable worry and dread that had somehow worked its way through a crack in the mask surrounding Sae’s heart, consequently screwing over his peace of mind, sleep schedule, and just overall existence in general. “Lukewarm…” he hissed at himself in frustration, slightly taken aback that he’d actually subconsciously expressed so much emotion, even if it was in the privacy of the guest bedroom. “Just forget about it…” he told himself darkly, hating the fact he even had to scold himself to begin with.

…

Sae couldn’t just fucking forgot about it! If he could, then he wouldn’t be having this goddamn problem in the first place!

Realistically, Sae knew he could just confront Rin about it directly—it wasn’t out of character for him to just get to the point without beating around the bush… but he knew that if he did that, Rin might start getting the wrong impression and believe that he could latch onto Sae again and start expecting that same loving, affectionate attention from their younger days; They couldn’t ever go back to that, and Sae really didn’t want to deal with the hassle of potentially undoing all of the work he’d put in to craft the distance between them.

He could also just march up to Rin and demand he show Sae his wrists without any kind of explanation as to why… but if his assumptions really were correct and Rin was hurting himself, then there was no way for him to reasonably justify his meddling without letting on to the fact he was worried—not about Rin of course… just about the potential loss of what could be a good striker.

It’s not like there was anything more to it.

…

Whatever, moving on… it was pretty obvious by now that if Sae wanted answers, he would have to start getting a little more bold than just stalking Rin from the safety of his couch, but he’d also have to do it in a way that was fairly inconspicuous and casual.

It seemed like provoking Rin had been what started this whole thing in the first place—the long time spent in the bathroom and the blood—so logically, if Sae wanted answers, he would just have to provoke Rin to the point of acting and pay extra close attention to him in the  hours following.

Now, if he was right, then he would have found a way to inconspicuously and nonchalantly ‘catch Rin in the act’ and would have a justifiable reason for meddling afterwards… and if he was wrong, he could move on with his life and finally put this whole, exhausting ordeal to rest.

If he was right in his assumptions, Sae knew that purposefully provoking Rin to the point of a relapse wasn’t exactly the best thing to do… but if he didn’t find a way to get his answers soon, it wouldn’t be long before the both of them had to part ways, and by then, Sae wouldn’t be able to learn the truth—again, not that he cared… it would just make him feel better to… suggest methods for Rin to deal with his problem besides hurting himself.

It would just offer him some peace of mind to know that a potentially decent striker wouldn’t be hindering his chance at playing at a world-level because of something so stupid.

…

That was all.

Chapter Text

Rin didn’t know what the fuck was happening to him… but as per consequence of whatever it was, he was far too tired to care to the point of actually investigating. As each day- no, scratch that… even as each mere hour passed, Rin felt himself slipping further and further away from his grasp on reality and his sense of self.

He felt lethargic to an extent that he’d never felt before in his entire life—not even that night in the snow with Sae—and it seemed like any and all things that used to spark even the slightest bit of joy or excitement within him were dead. Football, horror movies, listening to music, playing video games… it was as if every single bright, colorful aspect of those once enjoyable things had been drained of color, replaced by a dull, meaningless action that held no purpose anymore.

Rin was simply left with nothing to do but drift aimlessly with the tides of his emotions, hoping and praying that one day, the waters wouldn't swallow him whole and drag him down into their icy-depths for good… because that’s really all he could do at this point: hope.

He had no strength, no will, nothing… The only coping mechanism he had was something that was nearly just as destructive and agonizing as the thing he was trying to escape from, and he knew it that if things didn’t change, one or the other would eventually whisk him away—whether that be the metaphorical drowning, or the physical one.

He felt like a hollow shell of a human being… a creature with no purpose or drive to do anything besides get up, drone brainlessly through the routines he’d drilled into himself over the years, eat, ‘bathe’, and sleep… and honestly, even a lot of those were getting hard to find the willpower to do.

Rin was just… so tired.

But alas, old habits die hard and even as exhausted and empty as he felt when his eyes fluttered opened, as much as he wished he’d never woken up in the first place, he still forced himself to get up, brush his teeth, and go through his morning yoga routine with all the sentience of a walking corpse.

He didn’t even blink when he walked downstairs to find Sae already up and eating breakfast, nor did he flinch or even really care at all when those cold, piercing eyes burned a hole into the back of his head while he went about preparing his own meal—he could stare all he wanted… Rin didn’t even care at this point.

The idea of eating was repulsive, and not just because Rin couldn’t be bothered to cook himself fresh food and was still surviving on the scraps of potentially dangerously old meals, but because the ordeal as a whole just seemed so unnecessary and exhausting… but whatever, if he didn’t eat then he would starve, and he didn’t want that, did he?

…

A small part of his brain that still apparently had the willpower to give a damn about anything going on around him screamed angrily that Sae was still at the table and probably still would be when Rin finished preparing his meal and sat down… but the rest of him really couldn’t give two fucks about Sae or what he did anymore—and, wow… for the first time, Rin realized that thought wasn’t simply just something he’d crafted to convince himself that he didn’t care about what Sae thought of him when, secretly, he really did… but it was actually the truth this time.

It would’ve been amusing in a bitter sort of way if all of the emotions Rin had previously felt so strongly hadn’t faded away into a dull, washed out ebb and flow rather than powerful, towering waves. He’d spent so much time and conscious effort trying to convince himself that he didn’t need, want, or care about Sae anymore… but here he was, not even actively trying as the somewhat freeing sensation finally seemed to wash through him after so many years of eluding.

…

But… was the price Rin paid for this bitter freedom really worth it? He felt dull and empty of everything and anything that made him who he was; devoid of what made him Itoshi Rin… but maybe that had been the solution all along? Maybe in order to separate himself from the Itoshi name and Sae along with it, Rin just had to give up his sense of identity as a whole; after all, it’s not like he could compare himself or be compared to Sae or anyone for that matter if he himself didn’t even exist, right?

Wow… after all this time, after all the long, lonely nights and painful struggles he’d gone through, Rin had finally done it; he’d finally achieved victory—of course, not exactly in the sense of crushing Sae like he’d originally planned… but he supposed he should just take what he could get at this point.

…

But honestly, Rin didn’t really feel like he won at all… but whatever—‘whatever’ seemed to be becoming his new life motto. This bitter feeling was nothing but a passing, straggling wave of emotion that hadn’t yet succumb to Rin’s new way of life yet—dull and empty—so he simply brushed it aside and focused all the was left of his broken focus back on the pathetic excuse for a meal in front of him—huh, how strange… he couldn’t even actively recall having sat down.

As he’d predicted, Sae—being the ever slow, meticulous eater that he was—was still at the dinner table and it wasn’t long before Rin half-heartedly realized that his turquoise eyes were blatantly staring directly at him, as if he was silently hoping for Rin to glance at him… but he didn’t; he didn’t care… he was too tired to care.

The food was disgusting. Apparently reheating two day old chicken didn’t make for a gourmet meal—shocker—but Rin found that along with his emotions, his physical senses seemed to be slowed and dulled as well, meaning he was barely bothered when the latest bite of chicken and rice he’d scooped into his mouth squished disgustingly and tasted like absolute shit.

Maybe Rin wouldn’t do his daily football training today… he was really tired—had he mentioned that yet?—and surely there wasn’t any harm in missing it just once? He would just pull himself together enough to make up for it tomorrow… or maybe not.

The idea of getting better at football, being the best striker, or just doing anything that required him to get out of his bed just sounded like too much of a hassle that he really couldn’t be bothered to think about right now.

Yes… that sounded good. Maybe he should just take a quick ‘bath’ to clear his mind, and then spend the rest of his day—or, hell, maybe just the rest of his break…no, of his life—in bed.

Doing anything else sounded too exhausting and pointless anyways… like talking; a useless, unproductive thing that usually ended in nothing but pain and hurt… so tell him why the fuck Sae was talking to him right now and clearly trying to get Rin to respond back?

Dazedly, Rin managed to sluggishly pull his focus together just enough to realize Sae was saying something to him, and from the way he was staring, he had been saying something for a while… Rin had just been too out of it to realize.

“What?” Rin asked blankly, not caring how stupid he must’ve looked or about the impatience that seemed to flare in Sae’s eyes when Rin regarded him dully. “Did you say something?”

Sae simply stared at him for a few moments before raising an eyebrow lazily—Rin was starting to understand Sae’s penchant for disinterest… he had to admit the lifestyle of ‘not caring about anything’ was really starting to grow on him. “I was just mentioning how slow you eat. It’s a real waste of time… and you need all the time you can get if you ever hope to be anything more than completely worthless in terms of football.” Sae told him simply, and if it were any other day, Rin might have felt a rush of hurt or anger… maybe he would have screamed and raged at Sae for daring to say such cruel words… but right now, he didn’t do any of those things.

Rin took a few moments to comprehend the words, but when he did, he felt nothing. No anger, hurt, offense, indignation… he merely gaped at Sae with a blank gaze that rivaled his before shrugging a little bit and nodding. “Okay.” He said simply, not even sparing Sae another glance before turning back to his probably-poisonous chicken and continuing his meal without so much as a seconds falter.

Unfortunately for him, Sae really didn’t seem to get the memo that Rin was done caring about—well… everything, and still felt the need to push on. “If you're trying to mimic my attitude, then you should know it’s a pathetic, cheap emulation. Everyone already knows that you can’t control your emotions, Rin.”

“Yeah.” Rin agreed, not even bothering to look up and meet Sae’s gaze as he continued mindlessly picking at his ‘food’.

“You know, you’re really pathetic in comparison to Isagi, I have no doubt that he will surpass you and become the best striker in the world.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ll never amount to anything with such mediocre talents… it’s disgusting how worthless you are.”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes, I wish Isagi was born as my little brother so I could actually have someone to be proud of.”

…

“Yeah...” Of course he wished Isagi had been born his little brother instead of Rin… What else was new? Honestly, even Rin himself couldn’t help but believe that to be a better option anyways.

Rin really was a pathetic, useless excuse of a brother… could he really even fault Sae for hating him so much? Rin would probably hate himself too if he had to be an older brother to someone as worthless as what he’d become—or maybe he’d always been this pathetic and Sae had always put up with it ever since they were children?

For the first time in a few days, a small dabble of color seemed to splash into Rin’s world… an ugly, sorrowful color that screamed of pain and loneliness:

Bright turquoise.

The color of his and Sae’s painfully identical eyes; a trait that Sae no doubt wished had been bestowed onto anyone except Rin.

For whatever reason, Sae deemed this round of torture to be enough as he quickly fell silent, and Rin could feel his cold, calculating eyes watching his every movement as he threw away the remains of his ‘meal’, cleaned up his dishes, and all the way up until his figure disappeared up the stairs as he headed towards his place of safety; the bathtub… the water.

It had become almost second nature to Rin at this point, something of a ritual, even… first: he’d set up the bath, second: he’d strip out of his clothes, third: he’d submerge himself into the water and repeat this step for somewhere around two hours, four: he would begrudgingly pull himself from the tub, five: he would chew on the inside of his cheek and spit the blood out into the sink—though, that was only when he was feeling extra shitty… like today—and six: he would exit the bathroom feeling more dull and broken than ever.

…

Rin was really tired… Had he mentioned that yet?

Chapter Text

Sae wouldn’t lie to himself—no, he couldn’t lie to himself… seeing Rin who was already barely responsive and seemed to be so tired, looking like he was on the verge of crying after Sae spat what was probably a collection of the most hurtful insults he’d ever conjured—especially that last one—did something to Sae… it made him feel something he hadn’t felt in a while:

…Guilt.

Sae had forcibly squashed his capacity for emotions as a mechanism of self defense long ago… but even he had a limit before his irrational heart would squeeze painfully and tell him it was time to back down. Logically, he knew that what he was saying—and had been saying this entire time—was something he truly believed to be for Rin’s own good as both an individual, and a football player… but emotions were hardly a rational thing—specifically why Sae had chosen to rid himself of them… well, at least until this whole ordeal.

But he could ponder all of this and what he perceived to be a sign of his impenetrable mask cracking later… right now, he’d achieved his mission of pushing Rin to the point of scaring him up to the bathroom, and now, the hours following would be crucial for Sae to finally end this once and for all.

As Sae had observed, Rin would usually spend approximately two hours in the bathroom, which meant he would have to act now. Not bothering to finish or put away the remaining scraps of his meal, Sae pushed himself to his feet and sauntered up the stairs with as much nonchalance as possible considering how frantic he was feeling.

He decided he would simply make it seem like he wanted to bathe and was waiting for Rin to finish in the bathroom—despite there being two bathrooms in the house, only one actually had a tub, so he deemed it to be a fairly reasonable excuse to not only be waiting outside the bathroom, but also confront Rin about the exaggerated amount of time he spent in it.

Exactly as Sae predicted, he heard the sounds of shuffling in the bathroom right at the two hour mark, quickly followed by the door cracking open and a tired, disgruntled looking Rin stepping outside. He frowned a little when his dull eyes registered Sae’s abnormal presence, but he didn’t say anything about it… he simply wandered past him to go downstairs, and Sae would be lying if Rin’s zombie-like behavior wasn’t both concerning and off-putting to him—he would usually scowl or glare anytime Sae was around… but now that he thought about it, Rin had barely even reacted at all when Sae had been insulting him earlier either.

Well, he supposed it was ultimately a convenience if Rin didn’t suspect or ask Sae about why he seemed to be creeping around… he could simply just make his observations now. “I swear if this lukewarm kid is just taking stupidly long baths-” Sae hissed out quietly, but he quickly cut himself off when the familiar, dreaded sight of a deep, crimson-red splatter sent a shiver down his spine. “Blood…” he exhaled stiffly, swallowing audibly before slowly creeping his way further into the bathroom and carefully checking the placement of all the sharp objects and- “fuck.” Sae cursed, his eyes going wide when he realized one of the razors was slightly out of place—it would be imperceptible to anyone who wasn’t specifically watching for it… but it was plain as day to Sae that it had been moved slightly from its original spot.

If there wasn’t any blood in the sink, then Sae would have just chalked it up to Rin using the razor for normal purposes… but the blood, the razor, and the weird way Rin kept rubbing his wrists paired with the fact that this pattern always seemed to repeat itself anytime Rin was clearly feeling emotionally charged? Yeah, no… Sae was done telling himself he was just projecting or making assumptions.

Rin was fucking cutting himself and Sae would be damned if he ignored it for any longer.

He hadn’t been preparing for the sudden rush of icy dread that gripped his heart like a vice, nor the surge of protective instincts that screamed at him to march downstairs right now and confront Rin… consequences be fucking damned.

It was overwhelming; to have gone years without anything beyond a passing flicker of emotion to suddenly feeling them in full, agonizing depth was enough to stun Sae momentarily… but as soon as he’d regained his sense of balance, he bolted from the bathroom, his heart beating wildly and the blood roaring in his ears as he practically launched himself down the stairs. “Rin!” He shouted angrily, not even caring to conceal the cacophony of emotions raging through his heart as he did. “Rin, where the hell are you!” When was the last time he’d been so angry? Was it when he was in Spain getting mercilessly mocked and tormented by his teammates? Even the anger he’d felt then didn’t seem to hold a candle to the torturous, rageful fear he felt right now.

Sae stormed down the stairs, his eyes locking in on a droopy, tired looking Rin who barely even seemed to acknowledge his presence even as Sae practically fumed at him. “Rin… stay still.” He commanded sternly, narrowing his eyes when a flicker of emotion seemed to pass over Rin’s face: hesitancy.

“What…?” He asked quietly, his eyes narrowing as he took in the disheveled, frantic look in Sae’s accusing eyes. “What are you- hey what the fuck!” Rin shrieked out as Sae suddenly lunged for him, grabbing him roughly by the arm and attempting to pull his sleeve down. “Sae- hey! Hey what the actual fuck! Get the fuck off me you fucking freak!” He cursed out angrily, flailing and shoving back at Sae’s attempts.

“Stop fucking moving, Rin!” Sae snapped back with just as much force, the raw emotion and anger flowing through his voice catching Rin off guard enough for Sae to get a firm grip on his arms, completely blocking him from escape. “I know what you're doing to yourself, so stop trying to hide it!” That seemed to get a genuine reaction out of Rin. His face paled and his eyes went wide with shock; a sure sign of his guilt, and Sae felt his chest squeeze with frustration and pain when he’d practically confirmed it with that look.

Rin… Rin was fucking cutting himself! Sae wouldn’t let this go, he fucking refused to watch his little brother a potential world-class striker injure himself while they were living under the same damn roof! “You fucking lukewarm idiot!” Sae cursed, feeling the rage and hurt—wait, hurt? He was feeling hurt from the idea of Rin cutting himself?—boiling up inside him the more Rin tried to flail and fight against him.

“What the fuck- what are you even talking about! Get the hell off of me!” Rin shouted, putting up a pretty decent struggle against Sae, but in the end, despite being taller, he was still fairly younger, less developed, and clearly feeling weak and lethargic from all the injuries he’d been inflicting on himself. “Gh- Sae!” He shrieked out as Sae managed to sweep his legs, sending them both tumbling to the ground before Sae managed to pin him to the floor.

“Stop fighting it, Rin.” Sae commanded darkly as he maneuvered a still-squirming, flailing Rin into a position where he could check his wrist while still keeping him pinned… but when he caught of glimpse of Rin’s pale, genuinely fear-stricken face—seriously, did he actually think Sae was trying to hurt him right now?—Sae couldn’t help the split-second falter in his hold… and that small hesitation had been all Rin needed to completely turn the tables.

With a surprising amount of strength, Rin yanked at one of Sae’s arms as he swept the opposite leg, effectively switching their positions and pinning Sae to the floor instead. “You…” Rin fumed, his chest heaving and nostrils flaring with a sudden rage that caught Sae off guard. “What the fuck is wrong with you Sae!?” Rin practically screamed directly into his face, but the older refused to let his guard down anymore than he already had.

“More like what the fuck is wrong with you, Rin.” He snapped back darkly, the uncharacteristic anger paired with the fact Sae actually cursed seemed to do nothing but piss Rin off even more—good, Sae would happily put up with any emotion Rin threw his way as long as it wasn’t that dull, zombie-like behavior from earlier; anything was better than that… “I already told you, I know what you’ve been doing in that bathroom! So stop fucking fighting it and just let me see it before it gets any worse, you lukewarm bastard!”

Similar to earlier, Rin’s expression contorted into one of guilt and shame… but it quickly morphed into confusion as he seemed to process the second half of Sae’s accusation. “What the hell do you mean ‘see’?” Rin spat, his eyes narrowing confusedly with a genuineness that Sae would’ve probably been able to pick up on had his adrenaline levels not been through the roof at that very moment.

“Don’t play dumb with me.” Sae hissed out coldly, taking advantage of the brief moment where Rin’s rage seemed to boil over to sweep him and wrestle him back down to the ground, reversing their positions for good this time. “Just stop fighting it already, Rin… this is happening whether you like it or not, so just make it easier for both of us.” Sae told him as he once again set to the task of pinning Rin in a way that he wouldn’t be able to escape when he finally managed to pull down the sleeve of his hoodie.

Sae’s heart was practically beating out of his chest, and that wasn’t just from the exertion of their surprisingly exhausting scuffle. He ignored the angry shouts and insults Rin spat at him as Sae eventually pinned him in a way that he could no longer wriggle about no matter how hard he tried.

Sae couldn’t hear anything except the blood roaring in his ears as his fingers slowly found the cuff of Rin’s sleeve and began to peel it away with an uncharacteristic gentleness—he couldn’t risk agitating the wounds Rin had any further with rough treatment… especially considering the amount of effort Rin had exerted just to attempt at escape had probably already re-injured himself more than enough.

Sae practically trembled as his mind conjured up mental images against his will of what he’d find under Rin’s sleeve… just how bad was it?

Sae had been fairly lucky—well, not lucky considering he’d had to experience being so depressed that he’d resorted to self-harm to begin with—that he’d been caught fairly early and had been thoroughly pumped full of antidepressants long before he had the chance to truly cut and scar his body to a disfiguring extent… but what about Rin?

Rin lived alone, and as far as Sae knew, he didn’t have any friends to periodically check up on him… which meant that there was nobody around to offer him the support he needed to stop him from hurting himself.

How long has this been going on? Did Rin only recently discover cutting himself as a method of coping, or had he been doing this for years already without anyone’s knowledge? How bad would the skin Sae found under his sleeve be marked up? How many scars did he have? How often did he do it? Had Rin ever considered making a vertical cut through his major artery rather than a simple horizontal one?

So many agonizing, tortuous questions raged around in a violent flurry through Sae’s mind… and ultimately, every single one of them would be answered as soon as he lifted Rin’s sleeve to see for himself.

Even though Sae had spent a shameful amount mulling over his own thoughts—fuck… he should just say it as it was; he was stalling because he was afraid of what he might find—Rin hadn’t let up on his scalding insults, nor his attempts to break free, and Sae realized that if he didn’t do this now, there was no telling how much longer it would take for Rin to eventually catch the upper hand enough to slip away again.

Steeling himself for the very worst, Sae forced himself to keep his eyes open as he slowly slid the cuff of Rin’s right sleeve down—the one he’d been rubbing—and what he found was…

Nothing.

…

Absolutely nothing.

Chapter Text

Rin’s chest heaved with an exhaustion that he hadn’t felt in a little while thanks to his newfound stagnant lifestyle… but that was mostly from the swirling, crashing waves of fear and indignation coursing through him as Sae pinned his wrists and legs to the ground.

Rin didn’t understand why this was happening to him, or what the fuck Sae was blabbering about ‘showing him’ and ‘wanting to see’. For a second, he’d had been convinced that Sae had somehow found out about his little ‘underwater excursions’ in the bathroom, but it really didn’t seem like that was the case based on what he was saying—how could he ‘see’ evidence of suffocation?

He was honestly startled… Sae hadn’t expressed so much blatant emotion in years—or, well… ever?—and Rin had no idea what he’d done to be on the receiving end of it. He knew Sae hated and despised his very existence, but seriously? Rin had been doing nothing but keeping to himself and swallowing all the painful insults Sae shot his way last time so much as a huff of anger… So what had he done wrong?

What could Rin have possibly done to make the blank, emotionless mask that was Itoshi Sae crack and lash out at him and in such a violent way no less? Or, better question… what the fuck was Sae about to do to him right now!?

Was he… actually going to hurt Rin?

Funny, if you were to ask his past-self from just a few years ago that same question, he would have never even entertained the idea that his precious, loving Ni-Chan would ever dare lay a finger on him with intent to purposefully hurt… but it turns out that a lot could change in just a few years.

Rin didn’t stop cursing or flailing with all his strength for even a second, but something within him seemed to crumble and fade away with the tide as his mind quietly accepted the fact that Sae truly seemed to resent Rin even to the point of physically hurting and tormenting him…

At least, that was until he caught the crazed, frantic look in Sae’s eye’s when he grabbed at Rin’s wrists to do… whatever it was the hell he was trying to do.

He looked…worried, and that alone was enough to shock Rin to his very core.

First of all, he was amazed that Sae even still had the capacity to not only feel but also apparently express emotions, but also the fact that it seemed like that tender, fearful worry seemed to be aimed at him of all people?

The realization made him falter for a few seconds, his will to fight and claw at Sae’s grip lessening ever so slightly as his heart leapt and sparked with the slightest flicker of hope… but, almost as quickly it had came, the worry in Sae’s expression was very quickly snuffed and replaced with a dark, sour look of anger when he finally seemed to manage what he’d been trying to accomplish—of course… there was no way Sae could ever reserve such a loving emotion for him; his tired, desperate mind had probably just been playing tricks on him.

“What…” Sae breathed out, his eyes going wide before quickly narrowing with obvious confusion as he yanked the cuff of Rin’s sleeve down, exposing his bare wrist—seriously, what the actual fuck was he trying to do right now!? “No… this- give me your other wrist!” He demanded suddenly, manhandling a still-protesting Rin until he successfully managed to yank his other sleeve down too, his expression contorting even more when he didn’t find whatever the hell it he was expecting to. “What the fuck…?” He cursed out quietly, turning his angry, confused gaze back down to Rin’s. “What… where the hell is it then!?” He bit out angrily as he brought his hand up to frantically start feeling at Rin’s arms—was this a fucking pat down or what!? “Where are you hiding it!?”

“Stop! Stop fucking- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!” Rin raged, the violent waves of anger crashing through him peaking and offering him the sudden burst of strength that he needed to finally lurch and knock Sae off of him for good. “Get… get the fuck away from me!” He gasped, hurriedly dragging himself away on all fours before turning around and pressing his back against the wall to guard against a shell-shocked looking Sae. “What the fuck… WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PEICE OF FUCKING SHIT!” Rin cried out ragefully, trying and failing to suppress the sudden wave of hurt and humiliation that rushed through him.

Finally managing to pull himself from his shocked stupor, Sae’s expression quickly twisted into a look of rage that Rin dared say even rivaled his own. Slowly and without taking his eyes off of him, Sae pulled himself to his feet and began to stalk closer to him; a predator hunting its prey. “Rin…” he began darkly and his sharp gaze paired with the way he seemed to be cornering Rin sent a bone-deep shiver of fear down his spine. “Don’t lie to me… tell me, what you’ve been doing in the bathroom for so long during these past few days?” He asked, his eyes narrowing in a way that seemed to dare Rin to lie to him.

Scowling as he backed himself even further back against against the wall and brought his arms around to wrap around his knees in a self-hug, Rin let all of the blackened, bitter poison that seemed to be all the was left composing his very being seep into his voice, snapping back at Sae so viciously that it caught them both off guard. “If you must fucking know, I’m just taking stupid fucking baths! What—am I not allowed to take baths anymore!?” It wasn’t the full truth… but it wasn’t a lie either, and Rin didn’t even understand why Sae cared what the hell he did in his spare time in the first place.

Predictably, Sae did not seem to be pleased with his answer. “I told you to not fucking lie to me, Rin! I’m offering you the easy way out, but I swear if you don’t tell me the truth right now I will personally check every inch of your skin for those fucking cuts!” He threatened and his posture seemed to stiffen as if he were seconds away from launching at Rin again and making good on his words.

“I’M NOT LYING!” Rin shrieked angrily, pulling his knees closer to his chest as he began to rock back and forth. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!” He cried out desperately, silently pleading for Sae to just leave him the fuck alone already!

Cuts? What the hell was he talking about? Why was he making such awful, humiliating threats when all Rin wanted to do was be left alone!? He just couldn’t understand it! He knew that Sae despised him, but Rin tried so hard to stay out of his way this entire time! So why… why did his older brother hate him so much that he was actively hunting Rin down to make him suffer!?

“I told you to stop lying!” Sae warned, completely ignoring the shrieks and pleading protest from Rin to just stop and leave him alone as he slowly stalked closer again. “I saw the blood in the sink… and I know you’ve been touching the razors! Do you think I’m fucking stupid!? I know that you’re cutting yourself, Rin!” He accused and if Rin had been in any state of mind that wasn’t the current ‘fucking terrified’, then he might have caught the equally desperate, raspy fear in Sae’s voice… but as fate had it, he did not.

“I’M NOT CUTTING MYSELF!” Rin cried out in protest, feeling a dark, festering rage well up within him at being accused of something so pathetic—okay, yes… he did technically commit some sort of act of self-harm with the ‘baths’ and the cheek-biting thing… but those were still mild in comparison to what Sae was accusing him of; he would never stoop so low and do something so lukewarm!

“LIAR!” Sae countered back with just as much force and Rin was startled to realize that this was potentially the first time in his entire life that he’d ever heard Sae truly yell—his voice had gotten high and angry a few times when they were children… but he’d never actually yelled; fitting that the one to draw that out of him would be Rin.

“NO I’M NOT! No- no stop! DON’T COME ANY CLOSER!” He screamed fearfully when Sae seemed to be done with arguing and held out his arms as if he were about to grab Rin again. “EVEN IF I WAS, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN CARE!? YOU HATE ME!” It was a last ditch effort fueled by nothing but panic and raw hurt that Rin had been keeping bottled up within him for a while, but it had finally done the trick to make Sae falter.

“I-“ his voice cracked as every single emotion seemed to flicker across his expression before eventually landing back on something close to that same, blank, disinterested look was so familiar with… but the obvious strain in his gaze paired with the fact he’d just been screaming his head off a few seconds ago didn’t quite sell it as much as Sae was probably hoping for. “You’re right, I do hate you.” He eventually hissed out coldly, but it was too late.

Something in Rin stirred… a small, abused part of him that still had the capacity to hope that his brother—even if just a small, minuscule part of him—still cared about Rin even a little. “THEN WHY THE FUCK WON’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!?” He practically sobbed out, trying and failing pathetically to keep the cacophony of raw emotions from surging through his raspy, sore voice… but in that confusing rush, there was something:

Hope.

Hope that maybe… just fucking maybe, he might see even a passing flicker of the precious, loving older brother he so deeply cherished and missed; the one who loved, always cared for, and protected him as a child…

But…as they say, history always repeats itself.

Every. Single. Time.

“Fucking shit…” Sae cursed out quietly, that same seething anger and frustration from earlier seeping back into his voice and turning into something bitter and resentful. “There’s no fucking reason for me to care about someone as lukewarm as you… fuck!” He growled angrily, and for a second it sounded like he was trying to convince himself rather than just insult Rin… but what he said next completely dashed any and all hope Rin had that his brother still loved him at all. “Fucking stupid! It would be so much easier for me if I didn’t have to worry about you…THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER FOR ME IF YOU’D JUST NEVER BEEN BORN IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

…

…

…

Oh.

The storm, the waves, the unbearable emotions flowing and clawing at him from the inside out seemed to climax, growing and building to new heights never before seen, and as Rin’s heart rattled as his chest heaved as if he’d just run a marathon, a part of him was scared of what would happen next. It felt like he was seconds away from bursting at the seams and releasing every single thought, emotion, and impulse that had been slowly building up within him since that day in the snow. Growing stronger, and stronger and stronger…

And then just like that, it all stopped in an instant, leaving nothing in its wake but a dull gray and the mind numbing silence that seemed to pierce Rin’s very being.

The feeling that washed through him wasn’t the desperate, agonizing sorrow that usually accompanied him whenever his emotions were pushed to their limits, no. This time, as the wave peaked and Rin had been a mere seconds away from being victim to its cresting impact, it was as if everything just…

Vanished.

Something strange took root in his heart—whatever was left of its shattered, shapeless fragments, that was—the very moment those cold, twisting words left Sae’s mouth; something dangerously close to acceptance… except this time, Rin could tell that there was something dreadfully wrong with it.

It wasn’t the kind of acceptance that one would usually consider a relief or peaceful end to torment… nor was it like those colorful, lively days during his childhood when Sae would comfort him after a loss and offer to buy them both a bright blue ice cream that would inevitably melt and leave Rin’s hands sticky with its syrup.

Back then, learning to find acceptance meant having his beloved Ni-Chan walking side-by-side with him until the stinging, heavy weight of whatever it was that was bothering him eventually dispersed, its place quickly filled up with the abundant amount of beautiful, surging love that Sae would practically drown him in.

It was almost amusingly ironic, really; Sae used to smother him in so much love that Rin felt he could happily take his finally breaths if it meant he could be submerged alongside the calm, affectionate ripples his brother presence made in his life… but now, Sae’s very existence was simply the personification of what Rin perceived as the sensation of drowning; as the death of love itself.

The acceptance that coursed through Rin as what used to be the light-of-his-entire life struck the final blow… was hollow; essentially, it was the very concept of ‘giving up’ in its truest, ugliest form… and now, it was all that was left of Rin’s completely shattered perception of self.

There was no rage, no sorrow, no hurt…

There was absolutely nothing.

Chapter Text

As soon as the words left Sae’s mouth—no, scratch that… even as the words were leaving Sae’s mouth, he regretted them. Despite all of the purposeful insults and torment he had intentionally subjected Rin to in the past… Sae realized at that very moment that this was perhaps the worst thing he’d ever said to anyone in his entire life—and that was saying a lot coming from him—and it seems Rin understood that too… if his heart-wrenching, hollow expression was anything to go off of.

It wasn’t the words themselves that made what he’d just done so horrible… but the way he’d said it. Before, Sae had never truly insulted Rin for the sole intent of hurting him, of course not… until today, that was.

Maybe it had been the combination of frustration from so clearly misreading Rin’s situation—he really didn’t have any cuts… Sae truly was being paranoid—paired with the shame and humiliation at having caused such a scene, and just blatant flusteredness as a flurry of emotions he believed to have long ago buried suddenly washed over him…but Sae knew that, in the heat of the moment and his failure to get a reign on his own emotions, he had gone way too far.

And honestly, a part of him really meant what he’d said. Sae just couldn’t understand; Why was it that no matter how hard he tried to separate himself from Rin, his stupid, irrational heart always seemed to be subconsciously calling him back? Whether it be going out of his way to condition Rin for football, foolishly telling himself that he was simply staying back at home to check Rin’s progress when in reality he just wanted to spend time with him, or just not being able to get the damn bastard off of his mind… no matter what, it just always came back down to Rin.

He shouldn’t care, and if he’d truly exterminated his pesky emotions like he’s previously believed, maybe Sae wouldn’t be raging such a war with himself right now.

All strings of rationality and logic agreed with the fact that the two of them separating from each other would be the optimal solution to everyone’s problems; Rin would finally be able to develop his sense of self and let his football ego flourish, and Sae would be free of the curse that was caring about someone…

Which is why no matter how intensely every instinct in Sae’s being screamed and begged him to take it back or at least apologize for his unnecessary cruelty or erratic behavior…he refused to listen.

Even as a thick, heavy silence settled between them, neither Rin nor Sae said anything… and eventually, it wasn’t long before Rin pulled himself to his feet, gave Sae one last dull, emotionless glance and simply… walked away, no words said.

Sae just stood there, eyes downcast and shoulders slumped with guilt as the sound of each of Rin’s increasingly distant footsteps echoed through the house—was it always this empty and lonely?—in a way that seemed to chip off a piece of Sae’s long-frozen heart along with it.

Maybe… it was for the better things had turned out this way in the end. It was obvious that Sae was too weak to be the one to cut the final tie that had inexplicably held on between the both of them even through all of the pain and torment, so maybe doing this… maybe letting Rin walk away once and for all, with his heart broken beyond repair, would be better for both of them.

Sae was weak… which meant it would have to be Rin to severe that final weary, torn thread of what once remained of their bond.

…

“It’s better this way…” Sae told himself quietly as the sound of what was presumably Rin’s bedroom door clicking shut—he would’ve been worried if it weren’t for the fact that Rin so clearly was not cutting himself like he’d originally thought—reached his ears, but it was nothing but a weak, pathetic attempt at self-consolation. “We’ll both be better off…”

That’s what he told himself… that’s what he told himself over, and over, and over again. It’s what he told himself even as he sat down on the couch to soothe the bone-deep exhaustion that had crept into his sore muscles, it’s what he told himself when an hour eventually passed and he had to force himself to get up and prepare himself a meal—was Rin hungry? He hadn’t seemed to be eating very well these past few days—it’s what he told himself when another few hours passed and the sun eventually set, casting the whole room into an eerie, foreboding darkness—he couldn’t be bothered to turn on any lights—that set Sae’s already frayed nerves alight.

“It’s better this way…” What was that, the 100th time he’d said those meaningless, empty words out loud? “It’s better this way… it’s-“ Sae’s voice cracked and he couldn’t stop the way his whole body seemed to slump backwards into the couch in defeat. “…whatever.”

‘Whatever’…yes, that's what he needed; to forget and suppress all of the emotions raging through him back into that familiar, convenient little bottle buried much too far down for the light to ever reach again.

If it truly was better this way, then it was time Sae started acting like it. He’d pulled himself out of stupors far worse than this before, and he’d already wasted enough time acting like some edgy, depressed teenager… it was obvious that what he’d done to Rin was irreversible and whatever was left of the fragile bond shattered as those cruel, hurtful words left his mouth… So what use was there to wallow in these worthless feelings any longer?

What had to be done was done… Sae had no use for anything as trivial as emotions any longer-

WHOOSH!

THUMP!

“Wha- Rin?” Sae startled and gasped out quietly when the familiar shade of dark-green hair brushed past the corner of his eye just as the sound of the front door swinging opening before quickly slamming shut again flooded his ears. “Rin?” He called out nervously, his body going tense when the only reply he was met with was the eerily calm, dull thrum of rain droplets that had started to pelt the windows at some point during his brooding. “Rin…?” He called out again, his chest sinking with fear and dread as a sudden gust of disturbingly strong wind howling and shaking the house served as his only answer.

Had Rin… left the house? At this hour? It was fucking pitch-black outside and the steadily intensifying trickle of rain paired with the obnoxiously loud strong gusts of wind that periodically howled in the distance were a pretty blatant warning sign that a vicious storm was brewing… there was no way in hell anyone going outside would be able to see anything more than ten feet in front of them at most.

…

Sae didn’t care if instincts had been wrong the last time, nor did he care if listening to them would do nothing but serve to worsen the shame and humiliation he’d brought upon himself today… he would be fucking damned if he didn’t listen to the sirens blaring in his mind, screaming and pleading at him to listen; to understand that something was very fucking wrong… even more so than it had been before any of this and-

RING RING RING

The sound of his phone ringing.

…

Sae wasn’t sure what had prompted him to answer to answer the random string of numbers that could have very well been spam, but whenever his future-self would look back on and ponder this strange, limbo-like moment time and time again, he realized that if his instincts hadn’t been so sharp, if he hadn’t answered that call on that dark, faithful night… he might’ve lost everything.

“Who is it-“

“IS THIS ITOSHI SAE!?” A frantic, panicking voice screeched at him from the other side of the line, its obnoxiously high-pitch and disturbing, raspy lithe doing nothing but souring Sae’s already disgruntled, on-edge mood.

“Yes, now tell me who the fuck this is before I hang up… I have important things to do.” He didn’t even care how weak and raspy his own voice sounded, he just desperately wanted to end the call with this random, lukewarm stranger… but again, something in Sae prompted him not to curse this stupid bastard out for daring to interrupt him in a time of possible crisis.

“IT’S ISAGI YOICHI! SAE, I- oh my god… I just- I just got a text from Rin a few minutes ago and-“ his voice cracked and it sounded like he was on the verge of either crying, or combusting… or maybe both.

At the mention of Rin’s name and the panic in Isagi’s voice that so clearly had something to do with him, all of Sae’s exhaustion seemed to dissipate in an instant, replaced by a sharp, cold alertness. “What text…” he asked darkly, trying and failing to stop the rush of worst-case scenarios that flooded the forefront of his mind. “FUCKING TELL ME NOW!” He screamed into his phone viciously when the only sound he was met with for a few moments was quiet sniffling and shuffling.

“He- he said… he texted me that- that he was grateful to me for being good enough to fill the spot of your brother and make you happy, or whatever that means… and he-“ Sae’s stomach curled as a heavy stone of pure dread and guilt sank and settled in the pit of his gut… and something told him he knew exactly what Isagi was about to say next. “He said to please be there for you and take care of you when he’s gone… Sae I-“

Gone?

Sae barely heard anything else after that… just the ominous sound of the storm worsening paired with the deafening sound of blood roaring in his ears as his heart rate seemed to reach mach-5… but he did hear one thing, and Sae knew those five simple words would haunt him for the rest of his life.

“Please, Sae… please do something! I- I think Rin’s planning on killing himself!”

…

…

…

Gone.

Chapter Text

This feeling—or, lack of feeling, was strange. The towering, relentless waves of emotion that used to crash over Rin so constantly that he feared the possibility of drowning were suddenly just… gone?

It was hard to describe, but if he were to try, he would say it felt like… a glassy ocean on a clear, starry night; not even a trace of a single ripple to disrupt the almost-eerie stillness of the water, and Rin might have almost called the feeling something like relief… if he could still feel anything at all, that was.

‘Things would have been so much easier for me if you’d never been born!’

Those words seemed to echo through the still, other-wise quiet landscape that was Rin’s mind, but they didn't stir a hint of movement within the glassy, reflective waters, no… they actually offered Rin a little bit of clarity; a sense of understanding, even.

The main question that had been plaguing Rin since that night in the snow, and almost every night following had been: Why?

Why had his brother abandoned him?

Why did he still refuse to acknowledge all of the hard work Rin put in to become worthy of his love and attention again?

But… with this newfound clarity, Rin felt he finally understood the answer to those previously elusive questions, and it was simple:

Rin was inherently a burden.

It was truly that simple. The answer to all of his worries, questions, and pain had been right there all along, right before his eyes but just ever so slightly out of reach… until today, that was.

The more Rin thought about it, he realized he wasn’t just a burden to Sae… but to everyone; to his parents, to Bluelock, and to anyone and everyone he might potentially meet in the future…

Everyone.

That’s why Sae refused to love him again—or maybe he never had in the first place. No matter how talented Rin was, no matter how much hard work he put in or how much he eventually achieved, it would be pointless. At the end of the day, beneath all of those flashy, shallow layers of compensation… the core—no, the essence of his identity remained the same: he was nothing but a burden.

As understanding washed through him, Rin felt a sense of… peace follow shortly behind it.

For what might’ve been the first time in his entire life Rin felt like he was truly at peace with everything; Like, if he were to close his eyes and let himself simply fade away, succumb to the dark, quiet depths of the ocean he’d been so desperately fighting against for so damn long… then maybe he would be okay.

Laying back on his bed and staring up at his blank ceiling, Rin hummed quietly as the sound of rain pelting his window suddenly filled his ears, initially slow and inconsistent, but quickly intensifying into a droning pattern that was soon accompanied by the sound of howling wind.

It was like music… beautiful, siren-like music, and Rin couldn’t help but ponder: had rain ever sounded so beautiful? Had the steady, constant thrumming of water itself ever felt so calming, peaceful, and alluring?

…

Was he really considering doing this, actually considering just… letting go once and for all? What kind of mess would he leave in his wake if he went through with it? Would his brother and parents mourn his death for the years to come, or would they simply move on after his wake, unbothered and relieved that the burden that was their youngest family member was finally gone for good?

Would Rin be missed, or would the erasure of his existence be a cause for celebration to them? He knew his parents loved him in their own way, but they also seemed to get along just fine without him—hell, they couldn’t even be bothered to visit him… and could you really neglect someone you truly loved for so long?—and, the question that seemed to lurk above his tired mind even more than that was: how would Sae react to Rin disappearing for good?

‘Things would have been so much easier for me if you’d never been born!’

Who was he kidding… Rin was a burden to everyone, but if there was a single person who he’d caused more trouble and harm to then anyone else in the entire world, it was definitely Sae.

Sae had been forced to care and look after Rin for his entire life; No child should be forced into a parental-role at such a young age… and on top of all of that, he was forced to deal with the pathetic, needy version of Rin that refused to let his older brother go no matter how much easier it would make things for the both of them.

Was there anyone Rin would regret leaving behind…? Anyone who would grieve him so intensely to the point where it would be better if he decided to live?

…

“Heh…” Rin chuckled to himself numbly. “What a lukewarm thing to hope for.”

Pulling his phone out of his back pocket, Rin hovered over Isagi’s name—he wasn’t sure why he had chosen Npc-1 of all people to talk to before he left… but something about it just felt right; besides, as much as he ‘hated’ the guy, Rin had a few words to say and favors to ask of him before they parted:

To: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“Hello Isagi… I know I don’t usually text you and when I do it’s just to tell you to fuck off, but this time, I have something I really need to say before I leave. When Bluelock first started, I truly thought you were just another boring extra… someone with no future. But, as much as I hate to admit it, you really are an amazing, talented striker and I have no doubt that you will one day achieve your dream of becoming the very best in the world. I probably have no right to be making requests from you considering how rude I’ve been in the past… but I’m going to ask anyway. My brother, Sae… he sees something amazing in you. He’s really hard to impress, but you’ve always had a way of achieving the impossible. I don’t know if he’ll care or even be bothered at all once I’m gone… but regardless, I’d like for you to look out for him. I know it’s kind of stupid considering Sae is an adult and his own person, but I think he’d like it if he could have a younger brother that he could be proud of again… and I think that you would be perfect to fit that role. Sorry for having blabbered on for so long, but before I end it all, I would just like to say thank you. Regardless of how rude I’ve been, you’ve always tried your best to look out for me and be my friend and that must not have been easy… so thank you. Thank you for everything, Isagi.”

“Thank you, Isagi…” Rin whispered out loud into the darkness one last time for good measure. “I know you’ll achieve your dreams.” He really meant it; every single word of his last message to Isagi was spoken from the fractured, but miraculously still-beating remains of what Rin thought was his long-dead heart.

Afterwards, he sent a brief but heart-felt message to his parents—they might not have ever loved him as much as they loved Sae, but they were still his mom and dad, and he didn’t want to leave this world with any regrets. “I love you, mom… I love you, dad.” He whispered earnestly, and—call it foolish, he didn’t care—pressed a gentle, chaste kiss against his phone where his parents' contacts lit up the screen, thankfully not calling them by accident—he wasn’t sure he’d have the courage to go through with this if he heard the sound of his mother’s voice asking him why he’d called.

And with that, there was only one more person to leave a message for… but Rin was having a difficult time finding the words for him: Sae.

Maybe it was because his brother was still downstairs and no doubt back to his cold, uncaring self… but something about sending him a goodbye message while they were still technically under the same roof just felt strange.

But… Rin didn’t want to go without at least leaving a goodbye message to him. As much pain as he had caused him, Sae was still his one and only Ni-Chan, the person who had looked after and cared for him during his first 15 years of life—even if it might have all been a facade—and he knew he couldn’t leave without saying anything, even if it would probably make no difference to Sae regardless.

“…I’ll figure something out later.” Rin decided when, after ten full minutes, neither his brain nor fingers would cooperate with him.

He still had time… it’s not like he was going to do it right now in the house—he wouldn’t be able to stomach doing the only methods available to him in the confines of his own home, anyways.

Speaking of methods… Rin was pretty sure he knew where he wanted to take his final breath—no pun intended. He wanted to go back to the place where everything started. Not just the start of his pain, but back to where his life as a whole had begun; back to the earliest, happiest memories he had: the calm, peaceful sunsets he shared with his precious, loving older brother whenever they relaxed together on the pier and stared out into the brilliant, sparkling ocean that seemed to stretch on endlessly.

Rin's life started with the sea… and he wanted to end it there as well.

Chapter Text

Between the suffocating darkness, the ruthless spray of unending rain, and the deafening sound of wind howling and water pelting everything, Rin was almost completely blinded and disoriented by the storm… but that was okay.

The cold, constant spray stung his skin, and he would be lying if he said that being out at night, in a raging storm, fueled by nothing by the intent to take his final breath in the ocean wasn’t intimidating—or, at the very least disturbing enough to put him on edge… but the calm, steadying sense of peace and acceptance that had taken root in the remains of his heart was more than enough to keep him grounded; besides, he’d taken this particular path to the pier so many times as a child that he could practically do it blindfolded with the right amount of motivation.

At some point, Rin became aware of his phone buzzing and vibrating in his pocket—arguably a remarkable feat of his senses considering how blaring and overwhelming everything else around him was. He wasn’t sure if it was Isagi reacting to his message, or maybe his parents trying to reach out to him… but either way, Rin didn’t stop to check—as determined as he was to end it all tonight, he also had the sense and self-awareness to know that the resolve and confidence fueling him right now was a delicate, easy-broken thing, and he didn’t want to end up chickening out.

Around halfway through his journey—or, at least that’s how far he’d estimated that he’d traveled by now and the darkness obscured any and all possible landmarks that would give him a definitive answer—things started hurting. The newfound sense of numbing-peace that had washed over him definitely worked to shield his conscious mind from the majority of the pain, but he wasn’t completely impervious to discomfort… and yet, Rin found himself too engulfed by the final obstacle he’d have to clear to pay his physical sensations much mind—whatever, at this point, he was no stranger to pain… and occasionally, it even offered him a twisted sense of comfort.

Before Rin could truly leave this world with no regrets, he had to leave one final message… and—call it foolish and pointless—he still wanted to make it as meaningful and honest as possible despite the fact that it’s recipient probably wouldn’t care about its existence either way, much less the quality and effort put into making it.

“…Sae.” Rin spoke the name out loud, but predictably, his voice swept and stolen away by the howling wind, fated to become just another meaningless, unheard sound drowned out by the raging storm.

His last message to Sae had been the only thing in his mind since he’d left the house, and unfortunately, he hadn’t conjured up any thoughts he deemed worthy enough to make it into his final text to his brother.

It hadn’t helped at all that what-would-be his very last interaction with Sae had completely thrown Rin into a loop. Even now, with an emotional clarity of mind that felt clearer than even the most polished of glass, he still struggled to comprehend what had just happened between them… and honestly, he didn’t really care to anymore; Rin had already found inner peace, and he saw no reason to potentially ruin that at this point.

Whatever, it didn’t matter if his last conversation with Sae was one that would confuse and stump him until the end of time… one single moment in the sea of millions hardly mattered; the only thing that did was formulating and leaving a final goodbye to him that would encapsulate and acknowledge Sae’s presence and relationship in Rin’s life as a whole.

Rin had doubts that, even as children, Sae truly ever loved and cherished him in the way he used to so innocently believe… but that didn’t mean the care and effort he’d taken to raise and protect Rin should go unacknowledged.

Even just briefly entertaining the idea that their entire relationship had been a one sided lie was heartbreaking—at least, it had been before Rin stopped feeling… everything—but that didn’t make the love and joy he felt as a child any less real and meaningful.

Rin didn’t care if it meant nothing to Sae; he would still give thanks where they were due… and, honestly, he wasn’t sure he’d truly have the will to go through with this if he left such an important part of his life unresolved; after all… they say people regret the things they didn’t do more so than the things they did, and Rin didn’t want to leave this place with any regrets.

He wasn’t sure what exactly acted as the catalyst when, technically, he hadn’t actually come to any decision or revelation, but, seemingly out of nowhere, Rin just… knew; maybe it was just instinct paired with exhaustion that urged him to just get it over with, or maybe it was his subconscious mind working overtime to pierce through the numb, hazy fog that had wrapped and tangled around Rin’s entire being to offer him one last, much-needed spark of creativity for his final goodbye.

As if some celestial being were pulling the strings of fate to coax his mission along, at that very moment, the dim, barely-visible light of an upcoming building flickered and caught Rin’s attention; perfect, he would need somewhere at least somewhat-dry to not only focus enough to write a coherent message, but also to just physically tap his phone screen.

Rin had heard stories of people writing their intended final goodbyes to loved ones before suddenly snapping out of it—something about the clarity of actually writing their intentions out loud acting as some sort of mental alarm-clock?—and, for whatever reason, a part of Rin had been expecting that to be the case for him as well as he was writing his final message to Sae… but even as the emotion-filled—yet somehow also dull and detached?—words flowed from his mind to his fingers effortlessly, Rin felt nothing.

As soon as he’d finished writing and sending the text, Rin’s agitated, water-stung eyes caught sight of texts that both Isagi and his parents were trying to send him… but, having already anticipated the possibility, Rin promptly shut off the part of his brain that had the capacity to acknowledge their words in favor of simply moving on, continuing his numb, droning journey to the pier and seaside.

At some point, people were trying to call him—who specifically? Rin didn’t know—but he simply powered off his phone and ignored it completely; he was certain that any and all messages sent by his parents, Isagi, and maybe even Sae were nothing but surface-level, performative messages fueled by the moment rather than any actual care… or, heck, maybe they were even encouraging him to go through with it and make all their lives easier?

Rin hadn’t actively mentioned in any of his messages that he was planning on ending his life, nor did he have any intent to fish for any pity or shallow protests… but he couldn’t help but wonder: did they actually know?

Had the people he’d texted goodbye truly understood the weight or significance in those messages—or, at least the significance they held to Rin?—or were the attempted texts and calls he got simply confused replies from people who didn’t understand what he was about to go through with?

“Mm… whatever.” Rin hummed out uncaringly, and, identical to before, the storm swept up any traces of his voice before it could even reach his own ears… so he simply continued on, each step drawing him closer and closer to his fate; to the final chapter of his short, unremarkable story, and before he knew it, Rin had come face to face with the very thing he craved:

The ocean—or, well… at least, the vague, wavering outline that was the inky, endless void of the shoreline before him.

For a moment, Rin couldn’t get his legs to move; he couldn’t do anything but stare and marvel at the sight in front of him: despite the world around him being pitch black and the sound of howling wind so deafening, Rin could still feel the sheer destructive presence of the water that crashed around less than 30 feet ahead. The ever-moving, shapeless mass shifted constantly, gathering and growing to striking heights in certain places, while crashing and breaking in others with fearsome power…but the visuals barely held a candle to the sounds.

If Rin had previously thought that the deafening sounds produced by the raging storm whipping around were powerful, then the sound of waves crashing and water churning put all of that to the utmost shame. The water sang it's haunting, eerie song as it flowed and grew into the dark, impending faces of waves only to growl and roar angrily as they broke and collapsed moments later… and as Rin stood there, simultaneously mesmerized and petrified by the incomprehensible display of force mother-nature was putting on before him, only a single, crystal-clear thought ringing true in his mind:

It's beautiful.

If the sound of rain falling were a song, then what Rin saw and heard before him could only be considered the incarnation of art in its purest form; a haunting, siren-like orchestra of the truest harmony… a beautiful, expressive piece of artwork deserving of being displayed in a museum created by the highest quality of painters…

Nothing short of an absolute masterpiece.

It was truly striking. The gorgeous, unparalleled view before Rin was something that would have rivaled and portrayed his very identity just a few, short hours ago… but now, the angry, swirling void contrasted perfectly to the clear, still waters of his mind.

It was beautifully ironic… and Rin couldn't have chosen a better destination as his final view of the world he was about to leave behind.

With a mere few steps, it would be over. With a few steps, Rin’s very existence from the world would be erased and—no… no, that wasn’t true. Rin’s existence wouldn’t be erased… it would become a part of something larger than just himself. Long after his body became nothing but a soulless, unmoving corpse, he would eventually begin to dissipate into the water that cradled him… but Rin would not disappear; both his physical and spiritual body alike would become one with the essence that was the ocean before him… and he didn’t think he could have asked for a more hauntingly beautiful way to go.

As if his mind had completely shut off and surrendered the controls to autopilot, Rin began to walk forward without warning. Not a single thought occupied his mind except for the unyielding ‘it’s beautiful’ that seemed to replay like a broken record… no regret, no sadness, no anger, no joy; nothing except the inexplicable, seductive urge to just keep walking.

So Rin did.

He kept walking onward without a single falter in his step. He kept walking when the hard-sturdy feeling in concrete beneath his feet eventually shifted into one of soft sand… he kept walking when the spray of water pelting his face intensified, signaling he was reaching ever closer to the ocean… he kept walking when his already-drenched shoes and socks filled and sponged up with water as he stepped ankle deep into it… he kept walking when that cold, skin-prickling feeling slowly inched higher and higher until he was waist deep and far enough out that the waves were starting to knock him around…

And most importantly, he kept walking when the distant, impossible sound of Sae’s voice calling to him somehow found his ears… but he knew it was nothing but a lie; nothing but a last ditch hallucination his brain had conjured up as a means of saving him.

…

But still, even as his head went under and the cold, stinging sensation that filled his mouth and throat eventually transformed into a deep, gut-wrenching burning in his lungs, Rin couldn’t help but feel that the sound was quite a comforting one to hear before he left…

Even if it was nothing but his imagination.

Chapter Text

Sae wasn’t a religious man; his parents weren’t religious—as far as he knew—and they’d never once raised him or Rin to believe in gods or higher powers… but whenever Sae would look back on this strange, limbo-like night, he couldn’t help but believe that there was some kind of god, celestial deity, or maybe just a means of physical manifestation through sheer willpower… because the odds that the sequence of events that were required to line up in such a precise, perfectly-timed manner had actually happened were so astronomically non-existent that he couldn’t help but call it a fucking miracle.

                     ~^~^~^~^~^~

As soon as those five, agonizing words left Isagi’s mouth, traveled through the phone, and reached Sae’s ears… everything in the entire world stopped—or, atleast, Sae desperately wished the entire world would stop so he would have the millennia necessary to comprehend the impossible information he’d just heard.

For a few moments, Sae’s mind simply refused to believe that it was the truth, as if not acknowledging it would somehow magically will it away into no longer existing… but when that childish, foolish way of thinking was crushed under the cruel, biting weight of reality, Sae felt himself break.

Rin is going to kill himself.

Rin, his precious, baby brother… the one person in Sae’s life who meant more to him than anything—no, fuck that… the importance and significance Rin held to Sae couldn’t even be described or captured with such surface-level, meaningless words… because the truth was, Rin wasn’t just more important than anything… he was simply everything.

Football—along with few other things—filled the void that Sae had always had in his heart even since childhood… but Rin was his heart in its entirety; his little brother was the reason said heart continued to beat everyday and not collapse in on itself from the crushing, suffocating weight of self-inflicted loneliness that so viciously plagued him on the daily.

Rin was Sae’s world; the light of his life and his very drive for existing in the first place… but now, that light no longer shone upon him.

That beautiful, innocent, pure-hearted radiance that had exuded from Rin’s very existence had become strained over the years… dulled, and now, it threatened to flicker for good out and cast the world into an eternal, icy darkness that was completely devoid of any and all life.

Or, at least… Sae’s world.

“Sae? Sae? Are you still there? Did you hear what I sai-“ Isagi’s voice tried to reach him, but Sae was done listening; he’d served his purpose already anyways, and there was no point in keeping him on call for any longer… so he simply hung up, uncaring of how cruel and heartless he’d deem this action upon future reflection.

Sae couldn’t hear anything except the deafening, eerie sound of his own blood roaring in his ears. The storm, previously the loudest, most disturbing source of sound, no longer existed as far as he was concerned, as if it had simply vanished from reality all together… and it wasn’t the only thing that vanished.

As if some kind of impossible black hole had materialized out of thin air, it seemed and felt like the entire world around Sae was collapsing; like it was being sucked into the pitch-black, inescapable void of gravity… and it wasn’t very long before Sae himself was swallowed along with everything else… but that was a good thing.

Sae’s perception of space, time, and reality seemed to shift; it warped and narrowed under the crushing pressure and force of gravity, squeezing and shifting mercilessly until it felt like reality itself had transformed into one impossibly-compressed point; into the singularity…

Into Rin.

With a sense of clarity and a rush of adrenaline that put every single one of Sae’s best football matches combined to shame, he began to run.

He had no idea where he was running—no, he shouldn’t say that… he did know where he was running: to Rin… what he didn’t know was where the hell Rin was or how he would reach him.

He bolted out the front door, not bothering to lock it and not caring that he hadn’t paused to grab a coat to protect himself from the ruthless, frigid downpour; Rin probably hadn’t left with a coat or any kind of protection… So why the hell should Sae waste time getting one for himself?

For a brief moment, he cursed himself for not staying on the line with Isagi and requesting any potentially useful bits of information that Rin might have left him, but the thought along with the sound of his voice was quickly carried away by the howling wind, replaced by a strange, incomprehensible sense of knowing.

If you were to ask future Sae about this particular part of the story, he would simply shrug and shake his head, equally as confused and stumped as the person asking him… because you tell him how the fuck he just knew where to go? It was almost as if the very strands of DNA that made up his physical-self were originally created and coded with the primal, instinctive knowledge he’d need to hunt Rin down on this exact night… and there would never be a logical explanation for it beyond some sort of cosmic intervention.

Sae’s lungs burned and his muscles protested and screamed in agony, their performance most likely hindered by the lack of traction he had on the ground, the storm, and- oh yeah… the twisting, unbearable sense of pure, suffocating dread that had rooted itself into Sae’s heart… but he honestly couldn’t give even the slightest of fucks about his physical pain—or, hell… about his own pain in general.

Pain wasn’t a part of the singularity that composed and created the structure of Sae’s reality… only Rin was, so he kept running, his mind stumbling and tripping over itself as the fear and terror thrashed him around… but, in contrast to that, Sae didn’t think he’d ever moved with such grace, agility, and stamina in his entire life—huh, crippling fear and a suffocating sense of dread and regret would do that to a person, he supposed?

Though, it seemed that the despite the list of many incomprehensible feats that Sae’s mind and body had both achieved during the past hour alone, he still had a limit. Gasping and clutching his chest as his lungs burned and screamed at him for oxygen, Sae stumbled blindly until he’d somehow found himself under the shelter of some random building’s overhang. “Fuck… fucking shit, hurry the fuck up!” He practically pleaded to his own, sorry-excuse of a body as it trembled and wobbled against his will… but, little did Sae know at the time, this little rest-break would become another crucial piece in the perfectly-aligned sequence of dominos that fate had in store for him.

He gasped and clawed at his throat for air, angrily tearing and scratching at the flesh as a means of attempting to mitigate at least some of the frantic, untamable restlessness that swirled through him. Sae had been on the verge of screaming with pure, unfiltered rage and impatience when his body still refused to cooperate… but it was that very moment that he managed to hear it.

The shelter from the overhang paired with the fact that the storm at chosen that impossibly-precise moment to die down and cast the night into a hauntingly contrasting silence had allowed Sae to hear the sound of his phone dinging to alert him of incoming text messages… and, not unlike the strange, inexplicable urge he’d felt when he answered Isagi’s phone call, Sae also felt prompted to pull out his phone this time as well, and he was immediately ‘rewarded’—what a sick, twisted fucking joke of a reward—by the sight of an incoming text message from Rin that he opened and read at near light-speed…

And once he’d finished reading it, he read it again, and again, and again; he read it four fucking times, because that’s how many times it took for him to comprehend what exactly he was seeing.

Rin had sent him a final goodbye text; a suicide message.

…

This time, Sae’s body did not protest when he began to run again… and this time, he didn’t have to rely solely on his instincts to carry his feet to the final destination—fuck, he wished he hadn’t gone with that choice of wording—but actually had a confirmed physical, tangible location consciously in mind.

His body trembled and shook violently and his eyes eventually started to blur and distort his vision… but this time, it wasn’t from the exhaustion of having run nearly non-stop at full speed for fifteen minutes straight, nor from the cold rainwater spraying his face… It was simply because Sae was crying.

He hadn’t cried in years, and even then, he couldn’t actively remember the reason he’d cried that last time in the first place… but, as the tears poured freely from his squinted eyes, pooled and trailed down his already rain-soaked cheeks, and dripped down his chin to become one with the infinite amount of puddles beneath him, Sae suddenly remembered the sensation in pain-staking detail.

The tight, closed-off throat, the constant hiccups and hitches in breath, the endless stream of tears that escaped from his eyes as if sourced by some sort of magical, never-ending fountain of water… this, Sae realized, was what it meant to feel; what it meant to be human.

To be human was to care and worry… even if it came at the expense of one’s own pain, peace, and clarity. Being a human meant loving Rin; it meant hurting for Rin… and if Rin were to truly disappear from his world, then Sae would have no one left to hurt for.

He would have no one left to be human for.

…

…

…

Sae continued to run.

Chapter Text

Those haunting, surreal words seemed to replay in Sae’s mind over and over like some sort of twisted mantra; Rin’s final words… or, at least, the words he’d written with intent to be his final ones to Sae.

They drowned out the noise, the pain, the exhaustion… everything. The only thing fueling Sae’s existence right now was the singular want—no, the need to save Rin, and ensure that his baby brother’s final words to him weren’t over a fucking text message in the middle of the night.

Reading it had made Sae feel sick to his stomach in a way he hadn’t even known was possible; every breath stabbed his side, every step sent a tremor of agony through his body, and every single second that he ran only to find Rin still not in his sight squeezed and twisted at his heart like a cold, icy vice… this feeling, was guilt at its zenith.

Sae wasn’t a fucking idiot—well… that could actually be easily debated and Sae himself wouldn’t have much to counter the argument with—he knew that this was his fault. Rin had always been more on the emotional side—or, at least, Sae perceived him as that in comparison to himself—but, even after having suffered through years of isolation, neglect, and pain… he hadn’t grown weak. Rin was disciplined to an almost inhuman extent, and Sae now knew there was no way in hell Rin would have succumbed to this kind of weakness if it hadn’t been for the purposeful torment he’d put his little brother through this past week, and that simple fact was enough to kill Sae… and, apparently, if his damn legs didn’t pick up their absolutely pathetic, lukewarm pace, it would be enough to kill Rin as well.

“No… NO!” He screamed as a sudden wave of protesting rage and indignation coursed through his body, the volume of his anger actually loud enough to pierce through the edge of the storm's howling edge and reach his own ears. “He’s not going to die… I won’t fucking let him!” Sae told himself, uncaring if he was the textbook definition of denial at its finest… he would employ any and all methods at his disposal if it meant he would have the strength and stamina required to catch up to Rin and stop him, so that’s exactly what he did.

Probably looking like an absolute lunatic, Sae repeated those words like a mantra. The exertion of having to scream while also maintain a steady breathing and heart rate was an impractical torture at most, but the pain was perfect; it fueled Sae… it fueled him to run faster than he ever had in his life, and before he knew it, what had to be the nth miracle of the night unfolded right before his very eyes… and it was the most heartbreaking, disturbing sight that Sae had ever seen, and knew he ever would:

Rin’s vague, barely-visible outline facing the shoreline with his back to Sae, his feet slowly but surely taking tentative steps forward towards the ocean… towards suicide.

The chances that Sae had not only caught up to Rin at the perfect time to see him moments away from committing, paired with the fact he had miraculously ended up at the exact location he needed to be to find him was nothing short of impossible… though, not that Sae cared very much about statistics right now. “RIN!!!” He screamed, his voice nothing short of absolutely feral and guttural at the sight of his little brother marching towards his chosen death. “RIN STOP RIGHT NOW!” He shrieked out desperately as he continued to run even faster than before… but even through the hazy panic encompassing his entire mind, Sae knew he wouldn’t be able to get there fast enough.

Rin was too close to the water, and it seemed as if Sae’s words weren’t reaching him at all… that, or he simply didn’t care to listen. “RIN PLEASE! PLEASE DON’T DO IT!” He begged, nearly tripping over his own feet as the ground beneath him shifted from steady concrete to uneven sand. “PLEASE, NO! NO!” He sobbed, vicious tremors of pure, desperate pain racketing through every nerve in his body at the sight of Rin’s slumped, downcast head slowly sinking lower and lower before being completely submerged by the water… and after that, Sae wasted no more time—not that he had been in the first place— leaping into the water without a second's hesitation right in after him, his body tensing up and going rigid from the shock of the frigid water instantly… but he didn’t care.

Blind, deaf, and with a body that felt like it was seconds away from giving out on him, Sae flailed, his hands pushing sluggishly through the thick, dark water in a pathetic, blind attempt to save Rin; to save his world… and as he did, a cruel, bitter memory couldn’t help but root itself in Sae’s already broken, guilt-riddled heart.

During the humiliating, agonizing years Sae had spent in Spain, Rin had tried so hard to keep in touch with him. He would call and text every single day, send personal, handwritten letters that arrived in Sae’s mailbox at least a few times each month… and yet, every single one of them remained unacknowledged and unanswered, but even then, when Sae first returned from Spain, Rin greeted him with nothing but enthusiasm, excitement, and a level of worry and concern than you could only show for someone you truly loved with your entire heart… and what had he been met with it return? What had all of his optimistic, pure-hearted efforts rewarded him with in the end?

A broken heart, a crushed dream, and a slew of disgusting, hateful words aimed at him by a pathetic excuse of an older brother who was supposed to love and protect him unconditionally.

…

Sae had to reach him… he needed Rin to stay alive; he needed to say that he was sorry, that this was all his fault… and, low and behold, what Sae considered to be the final, most statistically improbable miracle of the night, while reaching blindly through the infinite, endless void that was the ocean surrounding them… Sae’s hand found purchase on something; he found Rin.

The second his fingers clasped around what he could only assume was somehow Rin’s collar, he gasped, inhaling a disgusting, cold lungful of saltwater straight down his throat… but he hardly had the energy to pay that any mind. Summoning every single ounce of strength left in his already bruised, exhausted body—and probably calling upon a magical reserve of out-of-body energy as well—Sae somehow managed to claw and and flail his way to the surface while dragging a nearly full-grown man even larger than himself, gasping and hacking up water as soon as they breached. “Gh-ack! F-fuck!” He cursed out weakly, his shivering, exhausted body barely managing to touch ground and fight against the choppy, storm-fueled waves that threatened to drag them both into their inky, cold depths for good. “R-Rin!?” He sobbed out weakly, somehow managing to bring a hand up to desperately cup his brother's pale, cold face while slowly but surely dragging them back towards land.

Rin didn’t answer.

Rin was so cold.

Rin wasn’t breathing.

Rin was going to die.

Sae wasn’t sure how both he and Rin had drifted out so far from the shore during the brief thirty-something seconds they were under the water, but by the time he’d just barely managed to drag them back onto land far enough away from the shore than he deemed them both safe from possibly being pulled back in by a stray wave, Sae’s entire body was burning; his muscles screamed and protested with a pain that felt bone-deep, his throat and eyes felt ragged and unbearably dry despite having been agitated by water to begin with and, worst of all, his heart felt like it was moments away from ripping a hole through his chest and falling out onto the ground. “R-Rin… Rin! RIN PLEASE! PLEASE WAKE UP! PLEASE, RIN!” He begged pathetically, turning his little brother's body—no! not body… he wasn’t dead yet! He couldn’t be!—over until he was laying on his back.

His face was deathly pale, his fingers and skin were frigid to the touch, and through the haze of the darkness and the whipping rain, Sae somehow managed to make out his chest; it was still… he wasn’t breathing. “No… no, no, NO! RIN YOU CAN’T LEAVE! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME, PLEASE!” He gasped, his fingers curling and gripping at Rin’s shoulders hard enough to leave bruises… but he still didn’t respond and Sae wasted no more time before starting CPR—or, at least, what he hoped was CPR… and, fuck, he never thought he’d want to beat himself up so badly for not paying enough attention to that damn safety seminar he got in Spain!

Somehow, he managed to push past his aching exhaustion to maintain what he believed to be a steady tempo, and when that didn’t seem to be doing anything, he quickly shifted to his knees to attempt at mouth to mouth, giving Rin any and all air his already-tortured lungs could muster. “Rin! Rin…” he sobbed between gasps. “P-please… Please don’t leave me! I’m so sorry… I’m sorry!” He choked out, and, in his desperation, he pressed a little too hard on Rin’s chest during the compressions, promptly breaking his ribs and sending a loud, devastating cracking sound straight through Sae’s ears to pierce his burning heart. “W-what- oh… oh fuck!” He practically gagged, sniffling and blinking away the tears and water from his eyes as the nausea set in… but still, he didn’t stop; if he stopped, Rin would have much bigger problems to worry about than a few broken ribs… he would be dead. “P-please, please, please… I can’t- I can’t do this without you, Rin… I can’t! I need you! I’m so sorry! I’m sorry! I'M SORRY! PLEASE! JUST- just please! You have too much to live for- I… don’t do it for me! You have to live! You- you’re going to become the best striker… you can’t die! I don’t care if you hate me forever… please- PLEASE JUST LIVE-!”

“Gah-ck… a-ack!” Rin coughed out violently, immediately bringing a hand up to clutch at his ribs as his still-dazed face contorted into one of pain and discomfort. “Ah-gh.. f-fuck-!” He cried out weakly, looking as if he were caught in between the pain of hacking out his insides and his freshly broken ribs.

“RIN!” Sae screamed out at full volume, his insides twisting with even more guilt when his urgency and panic seemed to startle an already disoriented, suffering Rin even further. “R-Rin…”

A cacophony of a million different thoughts, emotions, regrets, rejoices, and thanks to the cosmic deity responsible for somehow granting him the countless miracles he needed to save his little brother racketed through his mind all at once at light-speed… but above all else, the single emotion that rooted itself in Sae’s heart was simply: guilt.

Here Sae was, clutching and cradling his little brother’s cold, limp head in his lap on an equally
frigid beach in the middle of the night after said little brother just tried to commit fucking suicide and—oh, fuck… it was all finally starting to hit Sae at once.

If he’d thought that the crippling, utterly devastating pangs of guilt, pain, sadness, and rage that had plagued and torn away at his very soul on the run over here was bad, then he was sorely unprepared for the sheer agony that washed over him at the sight of Rin: almost completely boneless, pale, coughing up seawater, and clutching his at his broken ribs with a weak, trembling grip that looked like it would give out at any moment—oh god… maybe it would give out at any moment? Sae had heard stories of what they called ‘dry drowning’, and if that didn’t take him out first, then the hypothermia he’d undoubtedly contracted from his brief, but fatal dip in the water surely would.

Each weak cry of pain, each pathetic grasp at his broken ribs, and each dazed yet sorrowful look that would occasionally reflect in Rin’s eyes sent a wave of fresh pain through Sae’s heart, twisting at stabbing at it so severely that he could’ve sworn the aching that he was feeling right now was a sign of something actually being severely and physically wrong with him rather than just phantom pain from seeing Rin suffer… but, even if it was, Sae didn’t give a fuck; he couldn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything until he knew Rin was safe and on his way to a hospital. “R-Rin… Rin… Rin…” he gasped out like a pathetic mantra that just barely scratched the surface of the guilt and regret it was rooted in, but a sudden blinding flash of lightning paired with the horrific, deafening blast of thunder that followed right after it and startled both of them to the point of flinching was the last little wake-up slap that Sae needed to get his shit together.

There was so many things that Sae desperately wanted—no, needed to say to Rin: apologies, praises, ‘I love you so much, don’t ever fucking do something so stupid ever again!’s, and even more apologies… but, that would have to wait; Rin needed a hospital now, and if Sae didn’t act fast, it was possible that he might be forced to cradle his dying little brother in his arms as he took his last breath and left the world—no, as he took the word, Sae’s world, with him into the afterlife…

But, even as he fumbled and trembled his way through calling an ambulance with the phone that somehow hadn’t fallen out of his pocket or retained enough water damage to no longer be useful—another miracle of the night, if slightly less impossible—the dark, all-encompassing reminder that Rin still could die despite his and the hospital’s best efforts loomed over him in full… so he felt that, if this were to be the last time his brother could hear it, he better not hold off on saying those three simple words that he’d failed to express for far too long now:

“I- I love you, R-Rin.”

Maybe Rin hadn’t even heard him, but that was okay. Sae just had to make sure that the final words that were exchanged between them were anything but that last text…

                        ~^~^~^~^~

“Dear Sae, I don’t know when you’ll take the time to stop and read my message… maybe I’ll already be gone once you do, or maybe you just won’t ever care to read it at all… but, even if you never do, I don’t think I’ll have the courage to go without at least leaving you a final goodbye. I just wanted to start with the fact that I love you, and I’m so thankful to you for everything. I think I’ve finally learned to understand and accept why you hate me, and you should know that I don’t blame or resent you for it anymore. I honestly don’t know how long you’ve truly felt this way about me… maybe it was since we were still just young children, or maybe me acting so selfish and stubborn that night in the snow had been the last straw for you… but either way, I don’t mind. Even if you really have resented me since we were kids and only took care of me out of obligation, I just need you to know how thankful I am for you and everything you’ve done for me. No matter what happens or where I end up once I’m gone, I just want you to know that, to me, you’ll always be my one and only older brother… and I know that you wish Isagi or just anyone else was born as your brother instead of me, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to find someone who could replace you as mine. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to truly express how happy and loved you made me feel for the majority of my life, but I hope that this final text at least just does it a little bit of justice… and, maybe this is kind of random and just me venting my fear and final thoughts through writing this message to you, but I don’t know what will happen after I die and I think I’m a little bit scared of finding out… though, I do know at the very least that I would like my final view of this world to be the ocean. It’s a place where we shared a lot of my fondest memories, and I think it would make me happy to take my final breaths surrounded by something so peaceful. Anyways, sorry for having rambled on for so long… and, once again, thank you for everything Sae… thank you for being my one and only big brother. I love you more than anything in the world, Ni-Chan.”

…

…

…

“I love you, R-Rin…” Sae repeated again.

Chapter Text

The next few hours were a complete blur. Sae called an ambulance, the team somehow located them despite the obscurance of the darkness and rain, and they managed to pry a trembling, protesting Sae off of his cold little brother’s body—no, not body… he had to keep reminding himself that it was not Rin’s body—though, only with the help of three fully grown paramedics holding him down while they loaded Rin onto the truck.

He cried, screamed, kicked and protested with all of the strength that was miraculously still left in his aching body, uncaring that he was acting like an irrational brat and giving the paramedics an unreasonably hard time considering they were just trying to help after they’d been explicitly called by Sae himself to come… but he did eventually quiet down and falter in his protest when one of the women-paramedics respectfully and patiently explained to Sae that the longer they had to delay heading back to the hospital, the more critical and potentially fatal Rin’s condition would become.

He wasn’t exactly sure what happened after that or how he eventually found his way to the hospital considering the borderline-delirious state he was in—probably a taxi or something… he would never truly know—but when he finally did, he mindlessly stumbled up to the man at the front desk, somehow forming a coherent enough string of sentences to explain his situation and write down his information, and then continued to stumble aimlessly in the vague direction that he was told Rin was currently being held—the emergency room… because it was an emergency; he was in critical, and possibly-fatal condition because he’d just tried to commit suicide.

…

“Where’s Rin?” He rasped out weakly to the first random worker that crossed his path when he finally found himself in the visitor-waiting room closest to the ER. “Where is he?” He repeated dazedly when the women seemed to give him a confused look but, luckily for him, quickly seemed to catch on—good, Sae didn't think his tired, anxiety-ridden mind would be able to scrape together enough brain cells to form a question anymore complex than that one already had been.

“Ah, I’m assuming that you're waiting for someone who’s in the emergency room right now?” She asked patiently, her kind, wrinkled eyes softening and twinkling with sympathy when Sae nodded. “And what did you say the patient's name was? I would be happy to pull up his information if you’d like me to?” She offered, already gently leading and coaxing Sae over to the nearest desk while she swiftly made work of searching for his information on the computer once he told her Rin’s name. “Hm- ah! Here it is. Itoshi Rin: admitted to the emergency room at 11:36pm with symptoms of asphyxiation and hypothermia… current condition: unconscious.” She read outloud, giving Sae a small, encouraging smile when his expression crumbled and he began to break down again for the nth time that night. “Oh, sweetheart… Please try not to worry yourself too much, okay? Asphyxiation and hypothermia typically aren’t fatal if caught early enough, and the fact that the patient is simply unconscious right now is a good sign.” She explained softly, reaching a gentle, comforting hand out to rest on Sae’s shoulder… but, despite her kind, selfless actions, he didn’t feel better.

Rather than answer or even have the decency to give thanks for her undeserved kindness, Sae simply nodded a few times before rudely stumbling away back towards the closest empty chair, promptly collapsing into it with an obnoxiously loud clatter before burying his face into his hands and letting all the weak, pathetic sobs take him. “R-Rin…” he cried out weakly, shifting and pulling his knees up to his chest to form a protective ball around himself and rock back and forth in a way that really wasn’t soothing in the slightest. “Rin, Rin, Rin… R-Rin… I’m so sorry, Rin…” he gasped out, his chest squeezing with pain as the short-lived comfort of having successfully gotten Rin to the hospital wore off and that same frosty layer of bitter, ice-cold guilt settled over his heart once again, trapping him in what felt like the frozen, eternal winter that Rin had undoubtedly been forced to endure all these painful, lonely years.

This was torture; sitting in a cold, sterile hospital, desperately waiting for any news of his little brother’s condition improving, and being forced to confront the knowledge that this was all his fault head on while also knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could to to take back all of the awful mistakes he’d made… so he simply continued to do the one thing he was capable of doing atleast somewhat-well; cry and squeeze his eyes in a pathetic, useless attempt to shield himself or at least mitigate a little fraction of the pain.

…

It didn’t work for shit.

Sae had been on the verge of what he nervously assumed what might be the early symptoms of a panic-attack but, before he could completely lose himself to the darkness of his own collapsing mind, the sound of his phone dinging a few times snapped him out of it and offered him a decent enough distraction to momentarily fend off any incoming break-downs… but, when his eyes sluggishly managed to scan the contents of the latest text messages he’d received, he felt himself nearly double-down with a fresh wave of guilt and nausea; their parents were trying to reach him.

Sae hadn’t realized it—he’d probably been too caught up in wanting to disappear from the world entirely if it meant it would rid himself of the pain—but he actually had over 33 text messages, seven missed calls, and three voicemails… all of which from his mother, father, and even a few from Isagi—he was so worried… maybe Sae had been wrong and Rin really did have a friend after all? Not that the small consolation did much of anything to make him feel better… it just meant that one more poor, innocent soul would have to suffer and bear the burden of Sae’s idiotic mistakes if Rin never woke up.

Slowly and shakily, Sae brought a trembling finger up to dial his mom, already feeling the dread and guilt sink into his stomach like a stone when he imagined the hysterical, heart-broken voice that would cry and ask for an explanation in a mere few moments… and this time, his imagination did not fail to live up to the real thing. “Mom-“

“SAE! Sae where- where’s Rin!?” His mother’s desperate, pain-stricken voice screamed at him from the other side of the line exactly as he imagined it would… though, predicting and bracing for it did next to nothing to save him from his own pain that only seemed to worsen by the minute. “W-where’s my baby? Please… please- you- you’re staying with him at the house, right!? He won’t answer my calls and he- he sent me and your father a message earlier and-“ her voice cracked, and Sae wasn’t sure why he hadn’t been anticipating the fact that Rin had sent a final-goodbye message to their parents as well, but the news felt like a 50lbs weight being dropped on his chest—though, that probably wouldn’t even hurt half as bad as the pain and damage Sae had caused Rin when he broke his little brother’s ribs, would it? “Rin- he… my baby- my Rin said that- he said that he's so tired of it all and… and he wants to end it! Sae, please save him… please help him! I- I think my baby is saying he’s going to kill himself!” She shrieked, and hearing those words aloud for the second time that night didn’t hurt any less than the first.

“I- I know, mom… I-“ Sae’s voice cracked too, but he knew that if he broke, his mother would break as well… so he sniffled once, wiped the tears from his eyes, and steadied his voice before explaining the situation in full to the best of his abilities—that wasn’t saying much… Sae’s capacity to do, well… anything was dull and practically useless at the moment, but he somehow managed. “I know. Rin tried to-“ his voice cracked again and he paused, contemplating whether or not telling his mother the truth that Rin had actually gone through with trying to kill himself… but he knew she and his father would find out one way or another eventually, so he figured that having the news broken to them by Sae would be better than a random call from some doctor that would undoubtedly working in reaching them any minute now. “Rin tried to drown himself around an hour ago… I stopped him before he could go through with it, and he’s currently unconscious in the ER. I- I don’t know if or when he’s gonna wake up.” He explained flatly, his voice devoid of any and all emotion—not because he was trying to keep up his stupid ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude any longer… but because he genuinely couldn’t feel anything beyond the bone-deep, numbing sensation of pain—and he felt his fists curl and tremble in his lap when the sound of his mother letting out a wild, throaty sob reached his ears.

“Sae?” A new voice called out to him through the phone after a little while of nothing but shuffling and weak, distant sobs; his father’s voice. “Sae…” he repeated again, and this time Sae could pick up on the slight strain in his voice despite his fathers preference for remaining outwardly unbothered the majority of the time—like father like son, huh? “I don’t understand… How did this happen? How- you’ve been with Rin at the house for the past week and- and you're telling me you couldn’t see any signs? How the hell… you can’t tell me that Rin wasn’t acting strange or anything! How- how did he actually get to the point of trying to drown himself in the middle of the night? Why weren’t you watching him? What happened-“ his voice broke, and despite the fact that Sae knew that what-sounded-like anger and accusation in his fathers voice was really just the man’s desperate, awkward way of coping with his own fear and guilt, Sae couldn’t help the rush of bitter, almost-amused indignation that washed over him at the words.

He himself believed his father’s somewhat-accidental accusation to be the truth, but that didn’t mean Sae—already feeling irrational, snappy, and at the end of his sanity—wanted to hear shit from anyone about it… at least, not his parents of all people. “Oh, really?” Sae began darkly, his voice cold and detached as usual, but there was a dry, festering resent residing just below the surface layer. “Heh, okay…” he laughed, but it was hollow and dry, and he took a deep breath before going silent for a few moments; the calm before the storm. “Well I don’t fucking remeber you taking the time to visit him either!” He roared out suddenly, uncaring that he was making a scene and disturbing the other residents and visitors of the hospital; if Sae didn’t find something to release his pent up anger on, he felt as if he would combust on the spot… and a little bit of screaming was probably better than the hospital going down in flames. “When’s the last fucking time you even bothered to text or call him before any of this shit happened, huh? When’s the last time you visited him in that fucking empty, lonely house—oh yeah, that’s right… NEVER! You always use the fucking excuse of ‘being too busy with work’ to justify the fact that you just don’t give a fuck about Rin!” He practically screamed into the phone, knowing that he was taking it way too far given the circumstances and high-tensions crackling within all of them at the moment, but there was also a truth in his words, and Sae needed some kind of outlet to not only call out his parents on their shit, but also verbally acknowledge his own failures and regrets. “Face it! All three of us fucking left him alone in that damn empty house…and he’s not even 17 fucking years old yet! Yeah, I’ve been a shitty excuse of an older brother lately, but don’t get in the fucking call and blame me for all this shit when it’s just as much your fault for not being around! I- I saved him, alright!? I jumped into that damn freezing cold water, dragged him out, and gave him CPR before calling the ambulance and rescuing him!” He conveniently left out mentioning that the fight between him and Rin had been the catalyst for everything that had happened; if crippling guilt equal to his own was what it took for his parents to wake-the-fuck-up like he had and admit that how they’d been neglecting Rin was wrong, then he would be happy to fan the flames of their regret alongside his! “Don’t fucking lecture me when you practically abandoned him just as much as I did!” He bit viciously, simultaneously feeling both guilty and satisfied when the only answer he was met with was his parents' stunned, dumbfounded silence. “That’s what I thought… and don’t fucking call me again for the rest of the night. I’m sure the hospital will contact you soon and fill you in on the details… goodnight.” He finished dryly, not even waiting for a response before smashing the ‘end call’ button and slumping back in his chair, defeated and feeling worse than ever before.

He barely even paid the blatant stares and whispers aimed his way any mind—maybe they were mocking and criticizing him for losing his shit for the whole world to hear, or maybe they were just whispering because they recognized him and were questioning what the hell he was doing breaking-down in a hospital of all places… but, either way, he didn’t care.

He felt hollow, broken, and so tired… like he could slump back in his chair and fall asleep- “Excuse me, Itoshi Sae, correct?” A voice called out to him moments before the sweet, seductive call of sleep managed to claim him and, when he found the strength to begrudgingly blink open his eyes and see who had come to bother him, he realized that it had been the kind women from earlier.

“…yes.” He rasped weakly, feeling as if he were half-way to dreamland—or, in what would be his case when he finally did fall asleep, nightmare land—mid-conversation before the women spoke again and, this time, her words felt like a much needed slap in the faces that jolted Sae right awake.

“The patient you mentioned from earlier, Itoshi Rin… he’s in stable condition right now, and the doctor said he’s now well enough to have visitors.” She explained gently, clearly startled and unprepared for the way Sae’s head jerked up and he practically leapt out his chair, his muscles miraculously invigorated with a rush of strength as his heart leapt and sang a song of in pure bliss and relief once he managed to process and simplify her words into the much more anticipated message he’d been so desperately waiting to hear for hours:

Rin is alive.

Chapter Text

Sae wasn’t sure what he had been expecting… but it was definitely not this. The news that Rin was indeed alive and in stable condition made his heart soar with pure, euphoric bliss and his mind shut off any energy flowing through his rationality-function in favor of just mindlessly following the woman who was leading him to see his little brother—His very much alive, not-dead because of a suicidal drowning attempt, little brother—but, maybe if he had stopped to take a few moments to think, he would’ve been even just a little prepared for the startling, disturbing sight that he was met with when he finally did enter the room rather than going in completely clueless.

As soon as Sae’s eyes found Rin, he felt the guilt and self-loathing rear its ugly head and extend its vicious, unforgiving claws out to grip and sink viciously into the flesh of his heart; his baby brother was still unconscious, a little less pale than he had been on the beach in the dark, but still bordering on sickly-looking, and he had an assortment of deeply disturbing-looking wires, devices, and beeping machines hooked up and attached to his wrists, mouth, and nose.

He looked dead… or, as dead as one could be while technically still alive.

“Rin!” Sae screeched, practically tripping and stumbling over his own feet as he rushed past the women guiding him to desperately grab at and clutch his brother's pale, limp hand. “R-Rin…” he gasped weakly, feeling a small surge of assurance and relief with the knowledge that his brother was very clearly still alive and breathing, but it tore Sae’s heart out to see him so fragile and vulnerable. “Why… why isn’t he awake yet?” He asked quietly, turning his tired, watery eyes to the women, once again troubling her with his pathetic display of weakness that was sourced from something that was ultimately his fault to begin with. “I thought- I thought you said that he was well enough for visitors… So why- why is he still asleep?” Rationally, Sae knew why he was still asleep; obviously someone who suffered from asphyxiation and hypothermia would be unconscious for a little while after the incident… but, again, the part of Sae’s brain responsible for rationality wasn’t really getting that much blood flow right now.

“Ah- you must be the patient's brother, right?” A new voice called out to him and when Sae whipped his head around, he found a man standing a few feet away with a clipboard in hand; the doctor responsible for Rin, Sae assumed.

“…yes.” He nodded hesitantly, feeling like an imposter for having the nerve to even refer to himself as Rin’s older brother considering everything that had happened, even if it was just for informational and technical purposes.

“My name is Dr.Takashi, and as for your question, I’m afraid that the patient has suffered from asphyxiation and mildly prolonged hypothermia… we’re not sure when he’ll wake up or what his condition will be like when it does, but rest assured that he is currently stable right now and we see no immediate symptoms to raise any alarm.” He explained, his voice detached and perfectly professional in a way that ticked Sae off—that was Sae’s little brother’s life that he was talking about… would it kill him to show even a little bit of concern beyond the mandatory rinse-and-repeat statement all doctors were required to inform visitors of?

Biting down in his lip hard enough to draw a little bit of blood, Sae had been moments away from just letting it go and waving the doctor away before something in the man's statement caught his attention. “Wait- what? What do you mean you ‘don’t know what his condition will look like when he wakes up’? I thought he’s fine now? What- why wouldn’t he be perfectly fine when he wakes up?” He asked, not intending for his voice to come out as dark and threatening as it did, especially considering the man before him was technically responsible for saving and actively sustaining Rin’s life… but he couldn’t help it; he was angry, hurt, and the doctor's first impression had rubbed him the wrong way.

“Well, an extended period of time where oxygen flow is cut off to the brain can have serious repercussions. It’s possible that the patient might have sustained possible long-term brain damage and-“

“Long term brain damage!?” Sae shrieked out angrily before the he’d even had the chance to finish. “What- huh? What the fuck are you talking about? I thought you saved him! You said that he was in stable condition… so why the fuck are you spouting all this nonsense about him being having fucking brain damage all of a sudden!?” He shouted angrily, not bothering to reign in his volume or blatant accusation in the slightest… but the Dr.Takashi, being the ever calm, cool-headed, detached, uncaring piece of fucking shit that he was, barely even reacted to his lash out… he simply continued to smile professionally before answering all of Sae’s accusations with an infuriating amount of patience.

“The patient is currently stable-“ he began again, but Sae, being at the end of his own stretched-thin patience, refused to listen to this random fucking man continue to refer to his baby brother as ‘the patient’ as if he were just another faceless, meaningless extra to him.

“Stop fucking calling him ‘the patient’, that’s my little brother and he has a fucking name!” He snapped angrily, on the verge of seething when the man once again only smiled in the face of his rage and immediately complied to his request without a moment's hesitation—bastard… Why wasn’t he getting mad!? He should be getting mad… he should be just as fucking angry and fearful as Sae felt, because if something were to happen to Rin then the entire world would be over!

“My apologies, sir… Itoshi Rin is currently stable and we do predict that the likelihood of him making a full recovery is high, but there is still the possibility of long-term brain damage that we will not be certain of until he wakes up.” He explained simply, and this time, Sae snapped.

“Get out.” He commanded suddenly, knowing on some subconscious level that he was acting like an ungrateful, rude little fucking prick… but he didn’t care right now and, luckily for him, rather than call him out on his insolence and have someone escort Sae out of the room, Dr.Takashi smiled his ever-patient smile before nodding, giving him a pleasant ‘have a nice visit’ and walking out of the room without any more questions asked—bastard.

Finally left alone with nothing but his own thoughts and Rin’s pale, unmoving body—not body! He wasn’t fucking dead… why couldn’t Sae get that word out of his mind!?—to keep him occupied… and honestly, as much as it deeply disturbed him to see Rin so weak and vulnerable, his unresponsive figure still made a much better source of company than his own mind offered right now.

In a daze, Sae dragged the nearest chair as close to Rin’s bed as he could get while still having room for himself, settled into it, and began to mindlessly hold and caress his brother's somewhat-cold, limp hand in his own. He smiled a little and tried his best to hold onto the fleeting sense of relief and satisfaction that bloomed warmly in his chest and began to spread when he felt the soft but steady beat of Rin’s pulse beneath his thumb pad, and honestly, he might’ve been able to find some semblance of comfort in that little rush of joy… but, as quickly as it came, Sae forcibly and viciously crushed that sense of warmth and comfort, purposefully allowing for the monster composed of pure, dark guilt and self-loathing to claw and tear at said warmth until it was nothing but a regretful memory; so what if, thanks to Sae’s efforts, Rin had made it to a hospital and was currently alive? He had still tried to commit suicide and there was still the very real, looming possibility that when he woke up, he wouldn’t even be able to function properly anymore.

What kind of hypocritical, twisted-excuse of a human being would Sae be if he allowed himself to feel even a fleeting sliver of comfort simply because his brother hadn’t been able to successfully go through with his plan of killing himself?

“I’m so sorry, Rin.” He blurted out suddenly, startled by not only just hearing his raspy, tired-sound voicing after a while of almost-silence, but also because he hadn’t been actively planning nor anticipating to speak out loud in the first place… but something about it felt right, so Sae decided to just go with the flow of it. “This- this is all my fault… I’m sorry. I’m such an idiot… I was so self-absorbed and focused on my own goals that I lost sight of what was really important, and I got so caught up in the idea of you valuing soley football as much as I do that I didn’t even notice that you were lonely and suffering this entire time… and- I… you tried to kill yourself because me, mom, and dad failed you. Maybe being self-absorbed and complacent runs in the family, because all three of us really are selfish pieces of shit, aren’t we?” He chuckled bitterly, shaking his head and slowly bringing Rin’s limp hand up to press a soft, loving kiss to his knuckle. “But… Nothing really holds a candle to what I’ve done to you, does it? It doesn’t matter that mom and dad abandoned you for work… no one has failed you more than I have. You’ve always been so reliant on me… and I think-“ his voice cracked and he had to pause for a moment to take a deep, steadying breath… though that did nothing to stop the regretful tears from pooling and eventually spilling from his eyes, trailing down his cheeks, and falling almost-poetically onto their intertwined hands. “I think that when I learned how to be independent from you in Spain, I forgot that you spent that entire time missing, loving, and caring about me. I forgot how much our bond and relationship meant to me because I was so tired and hurt from not being good enough to achieve my dreams that I took it out on you and came up with this twisted justification that how I was treating you was simply to toughen you up enough to survive world-class football… and it was, to an extent. I never really stopped loving or caring about you—as much as I tried to lie and convince myself I did… and I never would have- I would have never done any of it if I’d known then you would end up doing something like this… but it doesn’t matter now, does it? I hurt you… I convinced you that I didn’t love or cherish you as my little brother, and that broke your heart to the point of thinking that killing yourself was better than living in a world where you had to be alone. I- there’s no excuse for what I did, and I don’t ever expect you to forgive me… but please, please wake up and be okay. Please wake up and continue to glare and scowl like you hate me, because I deserve it, and it would mean that you're back to normal. Just- please… p-please, Rin? Please just wake up and I promise I’ll make it all alright… I promise I’ll be a good big brother like I’m supposed to, and I promise I’ll never hurt you ever again… just please- please wake up and be fine so I can tell you how much I love you?” Sae pleaded desperately, his body now trembling so violently that the hand he was clutching like a lifeline also shook… but as he sat there, hunched over uncomfortably and pleading to whatever might be listening for something, anything… The only answer that met him was that same, droning, suffocating silence only accentuated by the steady systematic beeping of the machines hooked up to the hand he held.

…

…

…

Rin didn’t answer.

Chapter Text

Rin didn’t wake up that night, or even the next one after that—something multiple people had tried to assure him was to be expected and nothing out of the ordinary, but that didn’t make those two days any less of a living hell.

                     ~^~^~^~^~^~

Dr.Takashi and a number of nurses occasionally stopped by the room over the course of the next few hours that Sae had miraculously managed to fend of his rapidly encroaching exhaustion and biological-need for sleep, and each time they paused to observe his tired, guilt-ridden face as he hovered over and clutched at Rin’s hand, they would give him a look of sympathy and attempt to gently console him with meaningless phrases like ‘he’ll wake up soon” or “the chances of him making a full recovery are incredibly high”… but they hardly offered Sae some if any comfort.

Sae couldn’t care less about any of their shallow, surface level assurances; if there was even the slightest chance that Rin could wake up and have sustained permanent damage, Sae would not be able to rest—hell, even if he knew there was a 100% guaranteed chance that Rin would be perfectly fine, the guilt and regret that plagued Sae’s heart and mind 24/7 wouldn’t let him sleep soundly anyways… but that didn’t mean he hadn’t tried.

At first, the staff who occasionally visited Rin’s room had tried to coax Sae to leave for the night, but when he blatantly refused and continued to sit there, slumped over in his chair with all the coherency of a zombie, Dr.Takashi eventually decided to make an exception for him to stay overnight—something about policies regarding under-18 patients being allowed overnight visitors… but, when he eventually did look back on this whole ordeal with a clear mind and hindsight, Sae realized the man had just been doing him a kindness.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there tensed up and hunched over in that stiff, uncomfortable chair desperately clutching on Rin’s motionless hand, but by the time he had gotten up to stretch out his sore muscles, his whole body felt like absolute shit—well, to be fair, that was most likely emphasized due to the fact he had taken that cold-plunge into the ocean to save Rin after running miles just to reach him, and he still hadn’t slept a wink since then.

He was exhausted, hungry, and had no idea what to do with himself. Despite his dark, threatening warning, his parents had tried to reach him a few times… but Sae silenced his phone and ignored them—good, he hoped they felt as sick and disgusted as Sae felt about himself right now.

He did a few, short laps around the cramped room Rin was being held in before settling back down in his chair before immediately reaching back out to clutch his little brother’s hand once again. “Don’t worry, Rin… I’m not going anywhere.” He promised quietly, once only met with an extended silence and the beeping of machinery as his answer. “…I love you.” He added weakly after a few beats, deciding that, from now on, he wouldn’t ever miss the opportunity to tell Rin that simple fact. “I love you so much, Rin… you mean everything to me, and I don’t know if I’d have the strength to keep going if something happens to you.” He admitted, feeling strangely vulnerable considering Rin wasn’t actively coherent enough—or even conscious—to hear nor judge what Sae had to say.

…

Sae sighed, shaking his head and letting his shoulders slump in defeat. “I’m so sorry.” He apologized and, by now, he’d comprely lost track of how many times he’d said that tonight—probably enough to outweigh all the times he’d apologized over the course of the last few years combined. “I love you.”

…

Sae should really get some sleep.

                      ~^~^~^~^~^~

“Ugh… fuck.” Sae groaned groggily, blinking open his tired, sleep-crusted. “H-huh…?” He breathed out dumbly, trying to let his vision adjust to the blinding, sterile white light of the room around him and, when he did, he felt the rush nausea and guilt grip him once again. “Oh…” he exhaled weakly the second his eyes landed on Rin’s still-unconscious form.

So it hadn’t just been one of the many nightmares and horrors that had plagued Sae’s restless sleep… it had been real; Rin had really tried to kill himself. “…Good morning, Rin.” He whispered out loud, cringing and squeezing his eyes shut as the pain hit him. “Fuck…” he hissed out, trying and failing to stretch out the aches without letting go of Rin’s hand—he hadn’t let go all night long; he refused to break his promise.

He frowned, not even trying to suppress the guilt and disappointment that rooted itself in his heart when it fully registered with Sae that Rin hadn’t woken up yet. “Rin…” he called out mindlessly, not even sure what prompted him to do so, but like last night, it just felt right. “You look a little less pale today.” He lamented on with a small but earnest smile. “Maybe it’s just my imagination, but your pulse feels a little stronger too… now you just have to wake up and start glaring at me and we’ll know that you're back to normal.” He joked quietly, but it was dry and there really wasn’t any amusement in his voice as he did… more like a barely disguised plea wearing the skin of a lighthearted joke.

He’d been moments away from cracking another weak, hollow joke, but Dr.Takashi took that very moment to walk into the room and regard Sae with the annoying, patient smile that he seemed to don 24/7. “Good morning, Mr.Itoshi… I see you’ve finally woken up.” He nodded, apparently feeling the need to state the obvious.

Now that Sae was of slightly clear mind, he really took the time to take in the appearance of the person before him. Dr.Takashi looked to be in his early forties, he was decently tall—5,10? Nearly the same height as Sae—and his eyes were a bright, friendly shade of hazel; he looked like a good man… but, again, Sae was too blinded by shallow, petty blame and anger to acknowledge him as anything less than the bastard who had ticked him off last night and hadn’t done his job well enough to ensure that Rin would make a 100% recovery. “Yeah.” He answered dryly, not even bothering to attempt at hiding his contempt and annoyance… but the ever-cheerful man wasn’t put off—seriously, wasn’t he a little too perky and happy-looking to be working in a place surrounded by death?

“Heh…” he chuckled, swiftly moving past Sae to check something on the computer monitor next to Rin. “The pati- Itoshi Rin’s condition seems to have improved even more… I normally don’t like to make calls before anything can be fully confirmed but, in my personal opinion, I believe that you have nothing to worry about.” He assured and, for whatever reason, this time, it actually offered Sae a little bit of comfort.

“… okay.” Sae nodded awkwardly, not quite sure how to respond. “…thanks.” He added stiffly, refusing to meet the man’s eyes when he shot a warm, reassuring smile his way.

“ Of course… and, I don’t mean to pry, but me and a few of the nurses noticed that you haven’t paused or left the bedside to eat anything since you checked in as a visitor and-“ Dr.Takashi lamented on but, before he could even finish his sentence, Sae was quick to interrupt him—he knew where this was going, and he didn’t appreciate some random doctor trying to act like his father and insist that he eat.

“I don’t need to eat.” Sae snapped, the small, flickering gratitude that the man’s reassurance had invoked in him from earlier gone at the annoying, pity-like gesture. “I ate last night before Rin came to the hospital… I think I’ll survive skipping breakfast.” He hissed sarcastically, not actively intending for his words to come out with so much venom or bite—even if he didn’t like the man before him—but, as per usual, Doctor.Takashi simply nodded, offered him a brief but annoyingly sincere-sounding apology for having overstepped, and swiftly left Sae back to his privacy after finishing with whatever he was checking for on the computer-monitor.

The rest of the day had been nothing short of the motionless, guilt-ridden torture that it had been last night… and, if anything, it was even worse. Having had a somewhat-decent sleep—if that nightmare ridden state of comatose could even be called sleep—and way too much time on his hands, Sae’s mind began to drift; he began to imagine horrible, disturbing daydreams—or, more like day-nightmares? Was that a thing?—both concerning the possibility if Rin waking up with the coherency of a brain-dead vegetable, and ‘what-if’ scenarios of what might’ve happened had Sae not saved his little brother in time in the first place. Would he be waking up in his bed right now, none-the-wiser that his baby brother had committed suicide and that his body was currently drifting and slowly decomposing out at sea as he lazed around at home? He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to—there was no rationality in imagining the ‘what-if’s’ that contributed nothing but torment to Sae’s already weak, shattered psyche, but, at the same time, he felt that he deserved this torture; the fact that he had to imagine a world where Rin had succeeded in killing himself because of Sae’s neglect in the first place was enough of a justification to warrant this mental agony.

Imagining an alternate universe where Rin had died was already torture enough… but it didn’t even hold a candle to the pain and fear that gripped his tired, worn-out heart when the much-more-real, possible chance of Rin waking up with brain-damange actively threatened him.

As awful as it was to picture the ‘what-if’ parallels, Sae’s mind still understood that they were simply that: ‘what-if’s’. They weren’t real—they sure felt like they were, though—but, this was; until Rin woke up and passed an assortment of tests to confirm his coherency and brain-function, the terrifying prospect that he might not be okay even after everything that happened felt like a punch in the gut—no, worse than that… no physical pain would ever come close to symbolizing or embodying the way Sae’s heart felt as if it were collapsing in on itself from guilt.

Eventually, Sae sighed, just barely managing to tear himself away from what he perceived as his deserved, painful retribution for all of the mistakes he’d made. His stomach grumbled and his muscles begged at him to get up and stretch, but he ignored them both—he already deserved the mental anguish he was suffering through, so why not add on these physical pains for a little bit of extra flavor?

If he had the energy to, he would’ve startled when he blinked his eyes a few times before realizing that the previously bright, blue sky and glaring sunlight from earlier was now gone, replaced by the cool, almost-purplish hue of a fast approaching dusk. He hadn’t even realized so much time had passed… and as he gazed deeply at the budding, flickering splatter of stars that had begun to dot the rapidly-darkening sky, Sae couldn’t help but quietly curse out towards the universe, god, cosmic-power, or whatever the fuck it was that had so cruelly teased Sae by allowing him to save his little brother from drowning against all odds, just to torment and mock him as that same brother slept in what felt like an eternal slumber and refused to awake to finally put the last of Sae’s worries to end… whether that be with good news or bad. “Piece of shit…” he hissed, knowing full well that, even if there was some larger-than-life power looking down on him with some sort of agenda, it still wasn’t to be blamed for any of this; Sae had dug Rin’s grave with the shovel of cruelties he so mercilessly buried his brother with… and there was nobody to blame but himself for that.

                    ~^~^~^~^~^~

Another morning, another cruel, tormenting moment where Sae’s groggy, sleep-ridden mind had somehow managed to convince himself that all of this had been nothing but a horrible nightmare… but, once again, the sight of Rin’s perfectly still, almost ironically-peaceful face covered and masked by those hideous breathing machines slapped Sae in the face with the cold, bitter truth that never seemed to give him any reprieve from his pain:

Rin tried to kill himself because of me.

“… Good morning, Rin.” He greeted his little brother hollowly just as he had the morning before, the gesture making him feel the slightest bit of comfort before he rushed to stamp it out and swifty replace its presence with the much-more-deserved sensation of pain and self-loathing.

Like yesterday, Sae didn’t eat—hell, he barely even took the time to drink anything besides the occasional cups of water that the worried nurses would bring him, and he still only accepted just enough to barely keep himself alive and functioning. The hunger clawed at his stomach like a vicious, feral little monster trying to tear apart his insides as a means of attempting escape… but, honestly, Sae barely even felt it at this point; almost as if his brain had reprogrammed itself over the course of the last 48 hours, Sae felt like his mind and body no longer had the capacity to feel anything beyond the constant vice-like grip of guilt and regret.

Dr.Takashi visited a few times and gave Sae the routinely “He’s doing well, I believe he will make a full recovery and wake up any hour now” that really did nothing but serve as a reminder that there was still a chance that he might not make a full recovery… and, honestly, aside from that, the occasional bathroom break, and a few nurses who stopped to attempt to engage him in a pointless conversation that he barely entertained beyond one-word responses, the day was filled with nothing but that same dull, maddening beeping of machinery that’s rhythm had burned itself in Sae’s mind, and the mini-speeches that he would occasionally make to his brother’s unconscious form every now and then, consisting of the typical “I’m sorry.”s and “I love you so much, Rin.”s that had become something of Sae’s catchphrase lately… but, as usual, he was met with no answer.

…

Once again, staring out into the dark, star-painted sky outside of the hospital window, Sae quietly cursed whatever fate responsible for not allowing his little brother to awaken yet… and, once again, after reminding himself that there was truly no one else to blame for this but his own idiocy, Sae fell into a restless, terror-filled ‘sleep’… completely unaware of the two turquoise-colored eyes that would eventually blink open for the first time in over 48 hours and regard him dazedly for a few, still moments in the dead of the night before growing heavy and shutting closed once again, their presence marking the start of a new beginning for the both of the Itoshi brothers.

Chapter Text

For a while, there was simply darkness… then a brief, momentary flicker of light that illuminated that pitch-darkness into something ever-so-slightly brighter; the black-void slowly transformed into a sort of…‘blueness’ that was just on the edge of visible and with it, there came sensation again.

Rin was floating… His limbs felt both light as a feather and heavy as lead at the same time and, somewhere in the depths of his subconscious, he was able to understand what this sensation meant; he had let go. The boat he’d so desperately clutched onto for years was nowhere to be found, and the dark, icy-depths that Rin’s limp, boneless body felt suspended in barely allowed for any light to shine through.

Was this… death? He wasn’t quite sure… but whatever it was, Rin didn’t think it was so bad. Wherever he was right now, there was a thick, heavy sensation of mind-fog obscuring his every thought and sensation. He felt no pain, sadness, regret, fear… nothing. “…hello?” He called out mindlessly, his own voice not seeming to exit from his own mouth, but rather echoing back at him from the darkness as if the void itself had a mind and could speak. “Is anyone there?” He asked, not sure why he was calling out in the first place… but something about it felt right and, before he knew it, a voice answered him.

It wasn’t the out-of-body, distorted ‘sound’ of his own voice echoing back at him, but rather a foreign one that at the same time felt quite familiar, but he couldn’t quite place where from.

“I- ove- R- n.” It’s broken, scattered message made no sense to Rin, and that wasn’t even because of the brain-fog and disorientation clouding his judgment; it just made no sense to begin with… that was, until it started to speak again. “I- lo- you… Ri-“ that time had been a little bit better—almost coherent. “Love- yo-u…R-“

“…what?” His own voice called back timidly, and he couldn’t understand the strange sensation that had started to take root and bloom in his chest; was it by chance… fear? That couldn’t be right… this limbo-like ocean didn’t allow for fear or any kind of emotions at that… but, as the disembodied voice continued to call out to Rin with a commendable insistence, he realized that his previous assumption had been false.

“I love you, Rin.” The achingly familiar voice finally managed coherently enough for its message to pierce through the brain-fog and register within his mind… and, as it did, Rin felt a slew of unwanted, uncomfortable emotions suddenly seize what he thought was the hollow void where his heart used to be before he’d let go; fear, hurt, anger, hatred, betrayal, loneliness… and, worst of all, love—he didn’t know why, but something about this particular emotion repulsed and repelled him more than the others; strange considering that his brain was currently reminding him that ‘love’ was something usually inherently associated with something pleasant.

He didn’t know who or what the voice calling out to him was, but a small, subconscious part of his mind acknowledged that they had met before and clearly had some sort of connection with each other… an obviously broken, confusing connection… but still, it was there! “Hello? Wha- who’s there? Who are you?” He called back desperately, not understanding why his heart began to suddenly ache and protest as those surreal, echoey words began to repeat over and over again like a mantra, casting the previously silent, pitch-black void into a confusing chorus of words that Rin couldn’t quite piece together or comprehend yet.

“I- sorry… doctor- Itoshi… has a name- my- my fault… yeah? Brain… hypothermia… please. Wake- you please, I need- love- Rin. Need you- Love… Rin.” As Rin continued to listen, he realized that something else about the voice felt… off. He wasn’t sure how or why, but for some reason, Rin was struck with the realization that the words calling out to him weren’t… happening—well, some of them were, but some of them felt like… memories; small, shattered fragments from a past Rin didn’t remember having lived through. “Morning… recov- get out! Better… hate me- normal- live… plea- Rin, live. I- love… Rin.”

Eventually, it became too much. The initially quiet, distant cacophony of scrambled words steadily grew into something unbearably loud and Rin hurried to bring his hands up to cover his ears… but they weren’t there—neither his hands, nor his ears—and Rin suddenly realized that he wasn’t actually there either.

Somehow, his consciousness had ended up here… in this dark, hollow void that closely represented the deepest depths of the ocean, but Rin wasn’t actually physically in this… place. “What…?” He whispered out in confusion, his ‘voice’—how did he have a voice if he didn’t have a mouth? How could he hear the sound of his own ‘voice’ if he didn’t have ears?— immediately drowned out by the steadily increasing volume of the other continuing to call to him. “What… what’s going on?” He ‘asked’ hesitantly, nearly ‘doubling over’ when the previously numb sensation flowing throughout his ‘body’ vanished, immediately replaced by something he hadn’t felt in a while: pain.

It started in his ‘fingertips’, slowly traveled up his ‘arms’, and before Rin knew it, his entire ‘body’ was burning and the icy, dark ‘water’ surrounding him did nothing to put out the flames licking and biting away at his ‘skin’. “S-stop… stop it!” He ‘cried out desperately, not sure whether he was ‘talking’ to the pain slowly blooming ever-worse in his ‘body’, or the voices that were now screaming at him from practically every direction. “S-stop it… please stop it! It hurts! It hurts!” He ‘begged’, not understanding what he’d done to suddenly deserve this confusion and pain, and also not understanding what he was supposed to do to stop it and allow him to return back to that numb, peaceful void from before any of this started… But, before he could come up with any sort of plan, a bright, blinding light that only seemed to intensify the fire to an unbearable degree suddenly cast the dark, cold depths of Rin’s ocean into a horrible, agonizing whiteness.

And with it, there came the real pain.

Chapter Text

Sae hadn’t been expecting the third day to be any different than the last, any less tortuous… but, as he not so subtly requested that Dr.Takashi kindly fuck off and stop trying to coax Sae into leaving the bedside to eat something, he heard it.

                       ~^~^~^~^~

“I don’t need to fucking eat! Wha- Rin’s not eating and you're not constantly nagging him!” Sae countered when the doctor seemed to be a little more persistent today, conveniently choosing to ignore the fact that Rin was both unconscious and also being pumped full of nutrients through a tube… but, being the bastard he was, Dr.Takashi was quick to remind him of the two points he’d been trying to gloss over.

“Rin is currently unconscious—I would be encouraging him to eat manually if he were awake, and he’s also being adequately sustained by machinery designed to make sure he receives all the necessary nutrients for making a speedy recovery.” He explained patiently, and Sae openly scoffed at the ‘speedy’ part—it had been almost three fucking days and Rin still hadn’t woken up… nothing about this could be called ‘speedy’. “However, you are not unconscious, and from what me and the nurses have observed, you haven't paused to eat anything in over 48 hours, and you barely drink enough to be anywhere near considered ‘healthy’.” He countered easily and, under normal circumstances, Sae would’ve found the man’s quick deduction-speed and logical-reasoning quite commendable… but right now, it was nothing but an annoyance.

“Fuck… have you not been listening to a word I’ve been saying this entire time!? I don’t care! I don't care if I die from fucking starvation or dehydration! I made a promise that I wouldn’t ever leave my little brother’s side ever again and I’m not going to break it now!” He bit back angrily, his whole body going tense with frustration as he whipped around to glare at the man who insisted on imposing on his ‘peace’—hah, that was funny—but he was still extremely careful to not jostle the hand that held Rin’s—the last thing he wanted was to injure his poor little brother’s ribs even further… y’know, the ones Sae had broken in the first place during CPR because Rin tried to kill himself.

“Well, that is quite the commendable reason to starve yourself, I must agree...” He nodded in understanding, but Sae did not miss the amused lithe in his voice as he did. “But, I don’t think you’d be able to stay by your little brother’s side if you were to get sick from malnutrition and end up in a hospital bed yourself… unless, of course, that you request to be moved into a joint room with him.” He mused—mused!—more to himself than anything, but it was the last little push that Sae needed to snap.

“You… you mother fucker-!” Sae had been moments away from complete blowing up at the not-so-innocent doctor before him and the man looked like he himself was bracing for said explosion, but before he could, the small, barely perceivable sound of a whimper caught both of their attentions and they both whipped their heads around towards Rin to see if they had heard right. “…R-Rin?” Sae called out hesitantly and, for a moment, the only sounds in what-seemed-to-be the entire hospital was the dull, insistence beeping of machinery and his own labored breathing as Sae anxiously awaited what he had been starting to think was a hopeless wish.

A part of him had truly begun to convince himself that waiting here was a lost cause; that Rin would never wake up, and Sae truly would die of starvation waiting for him to—irrationality at it’s finest—but, there was no way both him and Dr.Takashi imagined that whimper-like sound at the same time… was there?

Sae’s heart raced and he held his breath, uncaring of the way his lungs began to burn and his chest started to hurt… he was afraid that if he were to make any sudden movements or sounds, Rin might somehow be deterred from waking up—seriously, maybe Doctor.Takashi was right… Sae truly was going insane from lack of nutrients at this point!

He couldn’t understand the frantic rush of emotions that zapped through him like a strike of lighting at that very moment; the majority of him felt hope and anticipation that his little brother was indeed alive and Sae hadn’t just been clutching onto a somehow-still-breathing corpse these last few days… but another more selfish part of him was afraid and almost didn’t want Rin to wake up yet; it meant he would have to be confronted with the very real possibility of him having brain-damage and, even if he woke up in perfect health, Sae had no idea what somehow-managing to apologize and reconcile with his little brother after such a thing would look like?

He’d apologized countless times during these last few days alone… but, as delirious and irrational as he felt right now, Sae understood that it wouldn’t be as easy as saying ‘I’m so sorry, I love you, Rin’ once he woke up. His brother had clearly been suffering through depression—a depression that Sae had cultivated almost entirely on his own—and he knew from first-hand experience that depression was not a rational thing, nor would it be solved with a few words of apology. Right now, if Rin really did wake up in ‘perfect health’—no brain damage—there was no telling what his state of mind or attitude towards Sae would be regardless.

“Rin…” Sae called out nervously after a few minutes passed with no signs of him waking up. “R-Rin…? Are you- are you waking up?” He asked, not quite sure which emotion it was that strained his voice… maybe all of them? He knew there was hardly any logical reasoning behind calling out to Rin; if he was waking up, he would do so regardless of external stimuli, and if he wasn’t and the both of them truly had just been imagining that sound, then calling out and talking to him would hardly change anything… but Sae didn’t care. “Rin… Rin, please wake up.” He begged quietly, biting down hard on his bottom lip as he felt tears begin to well up in his eyes when he wasn’t met with any answer.

From a few feet behind him, Sae heard a weary-sounding sigh. “Perhaps it was just my imagination then…” Dr.Takashi reasoned with himself aloud, and the verbal pondering from the man crushed Sae’s very heart and soul; the odds of them both imagining Rin making a noise at the same time were slim, but very much possible. Maybe a sound from outside had somehow tricked both of their ears into believing it had been sourced from Rin, or maybe-

“Hnn…” a small, barely-audible sound pierced the silence to Sae’s ears once again, and he knew that he did not imagine the almost-imperceptible way the hand he had been dutifully clutching these past few days squeezed his back.

Once again, Sae held his breath… but rather than be met with crippling disappointment like before, as the two of them watched Rin slowly but surely blink open his bleary, tired-looking, but otherwise clear, turquoise eyes, something like a collective sigh of relief escaped both of their lungs at once. “R-Rin…” Sae gasped out quietly, unable to stop himself from physical flinching when Rin seemed to sluggishly process his words before turning his dazed-looking eyes in his direction. “Rin… y-you can understand me, r-right?” He stuttered out, not quite sure what level of coherency one could still retain while having brain-damage, but surely being able to hear and comprehend words would be a good sign… right?

“Mh- mnm…” Rin hummed out incoherently, and Sae didn’t understand whether this slurred, but clearly-reactive speech was a good sign or not.

Desperately, he whipped his head around and turned his wide, fearful eyes back to Dr.Takashi he seemed to be regarding Rin with a calculating, pondering gaze before he realized Sae was staring at him. “I’ll have to run a few tests before we can fully confirm his state of mind.” He answered without Sae even having to speak his question out loud. “But-“ he added after a few agonizing beats where Sae felt like his entire world was collapsing once again. “-his initial alertness and the fact that he reacted to your voice so quickly is an incredibly good sign.” He explained before hurrying out of the room to go fetch whatever it was he needed to run those ‘tests’, leaving Sae alone with his finally-conscious brother.

For a little while, Sae said nothing. He simply started with disbelief at the sight of his little brother’s dazed, but fairly-alert eyes slowly but surely flitting across the room to take in his surroundings before eventually landing back on Sae. He wasn’t sure if Rin recognized him or could even consciously acknowledge his presence, but the moment those turquoise eyes landed on him, Sae felt a million different thoughts and emotions jolt through him all at once.

As per-usual, first and foremost, Sae felt guilty. Rin’s eyes were somewhat-alert but also so… empty. It wasn’t just a post-mini-coma sort of empty either, it was the kind of empty that only reflected in a person's eyes when they truly felt nothing… and Sae knew that the nothingness in those painfully identical eyes were a product of him.

Eventually, he had to avert his own gaze… because tell him how the fuck he was supposed to stare into Rin’s still-possibly brain-damaged eyes while knowing that all of this was his fault? He did this… he did all of this! Sae abandoned his little brother, made him feel useless and unwanted, and—because that just hadn’t been enough—he purposefully went out of his way to criticize and torture Rin to the point of wanting to kill himself… so how- how the hell was he supposed to meet his little brothers gaze evenly? How could he dare to look him in the eyes ever again?

Despite the shame and guilt curling sourly in Sae’s stomach, he couldn’t help but almost-immediately glance back to Rin when he made another small, breathy sound. “S-hhn…” he breathed out quietly, slowly bringing a weak, trembling hand up—the one Sae was not clutching onto for dear life—to paw and grab at the oxygen-mask strapped onto his face. “Gh-nnn… o-off.” He pleaded softly, and Sae wasn’t sure whether to feel a rush of hope and relief when he realized Rin had spoken his first fully coherent word—or, at least he hoped that had been a coherent word and not just some mindless, coincidental jumble of sounds that were similar to a word—or panicked that he was trying to take his oxygen-mask off—did he still need that? Would he be in danger if he took it off? Sae didn’t know, and he definitely wasn’t about to take that chance.

He gasped quietly, rushing forward to get a firm grip on Rin’s other wrist and gently coax it away from the mask. “Rin! You- don’t do that… please, I promise I’ll ask Doctor.Takashi if you can take that off after, but- but I don’t know if you’ll get hurt if you take it off too early…” he explained, not quite sure if the way Rin gazed blankly at him mean’t he understood, but he let his hand be lead away from the mask so Sae counted it as a win.

It felt so strange to be speaking to his brother like this… not just because it was the first time in a while that Rin was conscious and could actually hear him talk—maybe—but because he couldn’t remember the last time he’d spoken so kindly to Rin in the first place… and Sae couldn’t even begin to express how much he hated himself for having to lament on that.

It was such a fucking joke. Sae hadn’t even been speaking to Rin in a particularly kind manner just now, he’d just been speaking to him normally… but the bar was so damn low that anything that wasn’t a blatant insult or cruelty looked like kindness in comparison to what was typical at this point. “Rin… I-“ he began slowly, not sure what he was about to say—maybe his long overdue apology?—but, before he could, Dr.Takashi took that very moment to walk back in, accompanied by another nurse that Sae recognized as someone who would occasionally visit the room.

“Excuse me, Mr.Itoshi…” Dr.Takashi called out from behind a clipboard, and it took a few moments for Sae to realize he was referring to him rather than Rin. “I’ll have to run a few tests on Rin to determine his brain-function… could you please step to the side?” He asked patiently, his eyes shining with sympathy when he saw the hesitancy in Sae’s posture.

For a moment, he wanted to protest… but one more glance at Rin’s tired, blank face changed his mind; being stubborn right now would be selfish and only end up hurting his little brother even further. “I- okay…” he agreed begrudgingly, trying to ignore the stab of pain that seized his heart when he let go of Rin’s hand and moved a few feet away from him. “Y-you’ll be able to tell if he’s okay after this, right…?” He whispered, not sure if anyone even heard him, but the small, reassuring smile and nod Doctor.Takashi told Sae that he did.

“Yes… and, as I said earlier, the fact that he already looks so alert and is responsive is an excellent sign… I just need to run a few short tests to officially confirm his functionality before I can write it down.” He assured Sae, but when he leaned over and began to gently take off Rin’s oxygen mask, Sae could help himself from panicking.

“W-wait!” Sae cried out, instinctively rushing forward to grab the man’s arm before he could take off what-could-be Rin’s life support. “Wh- doesn’t he need that to breathe…?” He asked, not even trying to hide the blatant fear and uncertainty in his voice.

“Ah- please don’t worry, Mr.Itoshi… taking off the mask is a mandatory procedure we do to check if the patient will breathe properly on their own.” He explained, gently prying Sae’s iron-grip hand off of his arm and moving to continue with unstrapping the mask from Rin’s face. “If he starts breathing on his own, then we can be almost completely certain that his brain function is right where it should be… and, if he doesn’t, rest assured that I’ll put the mask on before any harm can come to him.” He assured, but the fact that the ‘if he doesn’t’ part of that assurance had to be said was enough for Sae’s mind to start spiraling as he imagined the worst-case scenario.

As Doctor.Takashi handed off his clipboard to the assisting nurse and finally removed the oxygen-mask completely, Sae held his breath, as if sparing as much oxygen in the room as possible would somehow increase the likelihood of Rin breathing on his own.

This was it… this was the moment, Sae realized, that would determine both his and Rin’s fate for the rest of their lives. If Rin took a breath on his own, then that meant there was still hope; it meant the Rin would recover and still have the opportunity to live his life, and that Sae might have a slim chance at somehow rebuilding their bond to at least of fraction of what it used to be… and, even if Rin resented him to the point of never wanting to rekindle any kind of relationship between them, that was fine; Sae would still have the chance to apologize to him, at the very least.

But… if he didn’t take a breath, then none of those things would ever have the opportunity to come to pass; Rin would remain an incoherent vegetable for the rest of his life… a fate worse than death. His dream of becoming the best striker? Dead; vegetables couldn’t play football, much less become the best. Making friends and forming meaningful bonds? Not happening; how can you make friends if you can barely talk? Possibly falling in love with someone one day and starting a family? Even less likely than the friendship thing; impossible even. Leading a fulfilling life full of joy, excitement, and meaning? That was out of the question… and who would be responsible for all of that? Who would be the one responsible for directly ruining his little brother’s life? Why… none other than Itoshi Sae!

Wow, what would that look like on a paper alongside the list of all of his other ‘achievements’? One the greatest midfielders in the world, rich, accomplished, talented, and—oh yeah, mocked and tortured his little brother so badly that he tried to kill himself, failed, and was now condemned to spending the rest of his empty, lifeless days as a brain-damaged vegetable!

What a fucking joke… Sae was such a fucking joke! Was this really what he had to show for himself after 18 years of life? Who the fuck cared if he had a ‘successful’ football career and could be considered one of the best midfielders in the world… none of that meant shit because, at the end of the day, the one and only person Sae was supposed to be responsible for loving and protecting was currently in a hospital bed, potentially brain-damaged, and so depressed he was suicidal…

Yeah, real fucking ‘successful’.

…

For a few, agonizing moments, there was nothing; Rin didn’t make a sound, nor did his chest move and inch…he simply continued to blink and look around as if confused to why he was even there in the first place, and Sae felt like his world was collapsing right before his eyes—well, when taking into account the fact that Rin was Sae’s world, it kind of was; both physically and metaphorically—but, before Sae could fall into his knees and let out a sob of pure, feral anguish that had been moments away from forcibly crawling out and tearing itself from his throat, it happened.

“Hff…”

Rin took a breath.

Chapter Text

Rin didn’t understand why this was happening; why was it so bright? Why was it so loud? Where had that peaceful, motionless void that he’d been resting in earlier gone? And, most importantly, why the hell could he feel pain right now? He wasn’t supposed to feel pain anymore… wasn’t that the agreement when you died? Weren’t you supposed to find inner-peace and comfort in the afterlife? Hell, even if this wasn’t the afterlife, Rin had already found inner-peace before trying to leave everything behind… So why? Why did everything hurt so badly?

The bright, sterile white-light burned his already-dry eyes—he might’ve thought it was the light of some-sort-of heaven if not for the aforementioned pain—there was a deep, burning ache that pierced his chest every time he took a breath and, what was by far worst of all, Rin’s heart ached and throbbed with pain; with emotions.

He couldn’t quite remember everything that had happened yet… but, he was coherent enough to vaguely recall what he’d tried to do; kill himself. Had he succeeded? What was going on? Why did his mind and body feel like absolute mush but also like impossibly-dense, heavy lead at the same time?

As Rin slowly blinked a few times he came to realize he was currently no longer in that ‘ocean’… and, as he did, he also came to another conclusion: he didn’t want to be here—wherever here was—he was much too tired. He just couldn’t understand… he’d thrown himself into the ocean in the middle of the night, in a storm… Why was he here right now? Unless… maybe this wasn’t the land of the living and rather some sort of Hell? It would make sense; Rin had been nothing but a burden to everyone around him, so maybe suffering in an custom-made eternal Hell would be something like a retribution on behalf of all the people he’d ever troubled? Dammit… If Rin had known this would be the post-life fate in store for him, then he would’ve much rather preferred to continue drifting through life with that hauntingly-beautiful sense of peace he’d found… as empty of an existence as that would’ve been, at least it would have been devoid of the pain that had begun to suddenly clutch him again.

“Wh… ugh.” Rin groaned, squeezing his eyes shut when a loud, agitation sound began to drum at his ears. “Ss-gh…” he mumbled out weakly, sluggishly attempting at bringing both of his hands up to cover his ears, mildly relieved to realize that he actually had both this time. His limbs felt like lead but, summoning all the strength in his weak, frail body, Rin somehow managed to cover not only his ears, but also his eyes, promptly blocking out the disturbances.

It made him feel a little bit better, and it seemed like the thing bothering him from earlier—maybe a demon?—had stopped making that awful, insistent noise that made Rin want to scratch and claw out his own ear-drums, so he naturally found himself relaxing after a little while—well, as relaxed as he could be in a situation like this.

He might’ve fallen back asleep—could you sleep in the afterlife? Was he really even in the afterlife right now—if it weren’t for the stabbing pain that had his chest seizing and hitting with every breath… so he was left to simply lay there, completely at the mercy of his surroundings—Hell or not—until, eventually, the ringing in his ears quieted and the burning in his eyes became something much more bearable. As the world around him came into a slightly clearer focus, Rin duly noted the quiet, periodic beeping of a machine next to him, the uncomfortable, agitation sensation of tubes being attached to his body in various places, and instinctual knowledge that other people—please let it be people and not demons!—were in the room with him.

Slowly, Rin untucked his head from the cushion he’d been bracing on as a means of covering his ears, and began to nervously peek past the arm he’d been using to shield his vision. As soon as he left the dark comforts of the crook of his arm, the bright, nearly-blinding white light threatened to burn his eyes once again… but, almost as quickly as that burning sensation had came, it quickly began to settle, leaving Rin with teary, blurry eyes, but otherwise fairly-functioning vision.

Without making a sound, he began to slowly let his sluggish but otherwise fully-functioning eyes flit across the room, acknowledging that there were indeed other people in it, but momentarily blocking them out as a means of focusing his attention on his surroundings first. First of all, Rin came to the horrifying conclusion that he was in a hospital… meaning that, unless Hell looked like a bright, sterile room filled with medical-devices and inspirational posters, Rin was most likely not dead right now. “Ugh…” he groaned out tiredly, suddenly all too aware of a sharp, agonizing throbbing in his temple; a headache.

He whined quietly for a few moments, desperately begging and pleading for all the pain to just go away and leave him to the peace he’d so painstakingly managed to achieve before trying to kill himself… and, if not the exact response he was hoping for, Rin was met with the sight of one of the people in the room slowly approaching him with something in hand—a clipboard?

At first, Rin’s natural reaction was to shrink away from this tall, imposing stranger… but when the man came just close enough into his range of mostly-clear vision, he quickly realized that this person was most likely a doctor, and that simple realization offered Rin’s scared mind just enough reprieve to stop panicking and attempting at escape. “D-Doctor…?” Rin managed nervously, flinching a little when he heard one of the other people in the room gasp, but otherwise chose to keep his eyes on the what-he-hoped-was-a-doctor slowly moving to sit down on a chair near his bedside.

“Hello…” the man began quietly and, despite his obviously intentional attempts at keeping his voice low and non-threatening, Rin couldn’t help but cringe and jostle a little when the sound pierced his ears and agitated his already-throbbing headache… but, momentarily pushing past the pain, Rin managed to clear his mind just enough to both listen and offer weak, fairly-coherent responses in turn. “My name is Doctor.Takashi, I’ve been the doctor in charge of overseeing your stay here, and now I’m going to ask you a few questions… is that okay?” Doctor.Takashi asked patiently, and Rin found his kind, understanding voice and demeanor to be extremely comforting despite everything else.

“…O-okay.” Rin nodded, feeling this inexplicable sense of warmth wash through him as the doctor continued to speak. He’d only just met the guy less than a minute ago, but he could already tell that Dr.Takahsi was a kind man… and, when was the last time anyone had spoken to Rin with so much patience and politeness? He wasn’t quite sure and, for the first time since he’d woken up, Rin once again became aware of the swirling, shifting ocean within him; it wasn’t empty and motionless like it had been before the attempt, but it also wasn’t anything even remotely close to the raging, towering waves of sorrow and dread that had threatened to—and ultimately had—succeeded in drowning him—at least, that was until he’d somehow been dragged out and resuscitated—and, for a moment, Rin couldn’t quite recall what had drove him to do any of this in the first place… at least, that was until he’d finished dutifully answering all of Doctor.Takashi questions and the man thanked him before turning Rin’s attention to what was probably the last person he’d have ever wanted to see waiting in his hospital room.

“-thank you, Rin.” He thanked, smiling and nodding gratefully in a way that Rin couldn't help but feel soothed by. “Your test results are excellent. I’ll be heading out of the room to input the information into your file… and, for the meantime, I think that there’s someone else who would quite like to have some alone time with you.” He explained, chuckling lightly when Rin’s brows naturally furrowed in confusion.

Someone wanted to have alone time with him? Who could it be? Rin didn’t have any friends, he doubted that his parents would care anywhere near enough to delay their work just to come and visit him, so that just left… “No…” he exhaled out instinctively, his eyes going wide and complexion going pale when the realization set in. “I- don’t…” he tried to protest, desperately hoping, begging, that he was wrong; that the person the doctor was referring to was anybody but him…

“Hm?” Doctor.Takashi hummed out, tilting his head in obvious confusion and a little bit of sympathy. “Ah, don’t worry… I promise it’s not one of my associates here to bother you with more tests and procedures.” He chuckled, clearly misunderstanding the source of Rin’s panic as he held a hand up to direct his attention to a figure standing in the corner of the room… and as Rin’s eyes caught sight of pink, he knew his worst fears had come to pass.

Suddenly, Rin remembered why he’d tried to kill himself; why he’d been so desperate to escape… because this- this person had made his life such an unbearable, living hell that Rin would have much rather risked dying and facing the real thing over having to live with this; with the pain, the humiliation, the fear, the anger, the hatred… the loneliness.

If Rin had known that the somewhat-peaceful, mildly calm waters that he’d just-barely grown accustomed to would so quickly devolve back into that angry, raging storm of hatred and fear, then he wouldn’t have taken those few moments of reprieve for granted… because the person standing before him would undoubtedly ensure that Rin would never feel that sense of lukewarm peace ever again:

“S-Sae?”

…

…

…

Rin wished that he’d never woken up.

Chapter Text

Why couldn’t Rin just catch a break? He’d finally made peace with how things were between him and Sae; about how he was a burden to everyone around him… he’d even written that sincere, heartfelt message that he still believed to be the perfect final words to end their twisted, broken relationship with. “Why… why are you here, Sae?” He breathed out weakly, trying his very best to ignore the sudden pang of hurt and sorrow that threatened to grip his heart.

Upon further inspection now that his eyes could focus a little more, Rin was a little surprised to find that Sae looked like absolute shit; his usually slicked-back hair was disheveled and looked like it hadn’t been combed in days, he had dark bags under his eyes that could pass for bruises, he looked to be on the verge of collapse, and his normally clear, alert eyes were red and agitated as if he’d been crying… but that wasn’t possible; Itoshi Sae didn’t cry, and even if he did, why would he be crying now of all times? “I…” Sae began softly, and Rin was caught off guard to find that even his voice sounded weak and raspy. “That was stupid of you, Rin… trying to kill yourself, I mean.” Sae told him flatly, and Rin couldn’t help the rush of indignation and hatred that surged through him.

Of course… that’s why Sae was here; to insult and remind Rin of the fact that he couldn’t even try to kill himself without somehow burdening everyone around him. Gritting his teeth and momentarily ignoring the pounding headache, Rin mustered up any and all energy he had in his weak, tired body to snap back with as much ferocity as he would’ve before any of this happened. “What- so you're just here to insult and mock me, that’s what I’m hearing? If you're just going to make fun of me and remind me of what a failure I am, then you should know I don’t care anymore… just- just fuck off.” He cursed angrily, not sounding anywhere near as ‘unbothered’ as he had been hoping for.

Rather than glare at Rin with cold, calculating eyes that would befit his shitty personality, Sae did something unexpected… and—in Rin’s opinion—it was so much worse; he laughed. “Heh… you don’t seem very unbothered.” He chuckled, shaking his head amusedly in a way that made Rin’s chest clutch with pain and humiliation—maybe if he were a bit more clear of mind, Rin would’ve noticed how dry and hollow Sae’s laugh sounded… like he really wasn’t amused in the slightest, but alas, he didn’t.

Just when he thought that Sae couldn’t find a way to torture and humiliate him even more than he already had been… he did. “p-please just leave me alone.” He begged quietly, unable to stop the tears from welling up in his eyes or the desperation from weighing down his already weak voice. “I- please… please just go away. I- I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me, but- but please…” he was pleading at this point but he didn’t care; he didn’t care if he was showing weakness and vulnerability around Sae that he would undoubtedly find a way to take advantage of later… he just desperately wanted him to leave.

By now, Rin was crying openly and unabashedly. He just couldn’t take it anymore and, in his sorrow and pain, he hadn’t even realized that Sae at moved from his spot at the foot of the bed and was now sitting in the chair alarmingly close to him—why was he coming closer? That was the opposite of going away! “Rin…” Sae breathed out quietly and for a moment, Rin could’ve sworn he saw a flicker of pain cross those ironically identical turquoise eyes… but he knew it was nothing but a trick of his mind—that was, until Sae spoke again and his words felt like something of a slap in the face to Rin. “I’m sorry.” He said simply and when Rin glanced back at his expression in disbelief, he confirmed that there was indeed pain in those eyes. “I’m… all of this is my fault, so I’m sorry.”

“…W-what?” Rin gasped, physically flinching back when Sae moved to grab the hand that had been laying by his side. “Hey- hey! Stop it! Let go of my hand!” He hissed angrily, both dumbfounded and repulsed by Sae’s gesture. “What the fuck bullshit are you spouting now! I’m not- just fuck off… why are you acting like such a freak right now!” He accused loudly, not even bothering to reign in his volume or the bite in his voice.

Sorry? That was fucking hilarious… Rin didn’t know what kind of fucked up, twisted mind-game Sae was trying to play at right now but he wasn’t about to fall for it; Sae was probably just trying to lure him into a false sense of security so the insults and mockery would feel that much worst when he flipped the switch back to cruelty.

Surprisingly, when Rin yanked his hand away, Sae let him go without any fight… but, what was equally as surprising was that he almost looked… regretful to have let his hand go. “I deserve that…” he nodded solemnly, pressing his lips together in a thin line that would normally signify that someone was feeling guilty… but Itoshi Sae could feel anything besides contempt and hatred—for him, at least—much less guilt? “Rin, I- I don’t even know where to begin… I had- I really had no idea you were so hurt and lonely that you wanted to kill yourself.” He began and, at this point, Rin was at a complete loss for words—seriously, what the hell was going on right now? “If I’d known then I- I wouldn’t have ever taken it so far… I would’ve helped you, I-“ his voice cracked and when Rin looked a little closer, he was horrified and dumbfounded to find tears in Sae’s eyes. “I should’ve been there for you… I should've known that what I was doing was too much and that I was pushing you too far… I- I’m so sorry, Rin. This is-“

“No, no, n-no…” Rin interrupted, shaking his head in disbelief and naturally attempting to shrink as far away as possible from Sae given his limitations. “Stop- just… What are you even trying to do right now!? Wha- what’s all this bullshit about being ‘sorry’? Do you really think I’m that stupid, Sae? Did you really think I would ever fall for that? I don’t understand why you feel the need to keep tormenting me when I’m already practically half-way dead, but-“

“No!” Sae gasped out and Rin barely had the time to flinch back before a hand shot back out to grab the one he’d moved away from earlier. “No, Rin… I- it’s not like that.” He protested desperately and Rin was shocked to hear so much vulnerability and regret in his voice. “I’m not trying- fuck… of course you’d think that I’m trying to hurt you more, I don’t blame you.” He sighed, his shoulders slumping with exhaustion. “Rin, I’m trying to tell you that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done up until this point. I’m sorry for hurting you that night in the snow, I’m sorry for abandoning you all this time, and I’m sorry for saying such cruel words… you didn’t deserve that, and it’s all my fault that you’re so hurt right now.” He explained and when Rin gazed into his regretful, turquoise eyes… he found sincerity?

“Wha-“ Rin tried to ask but his voice cracked before he could even get a full word out. Was it possible that Sae was actually trying to apologize to him right now? Was it possible that Rin’s attempted suicide had actually made his older brother regretful of how he’d been treating him this entire time? No… no, that couldn’t be it. Rin was a burden; his disappearance would be a cause for celebration, not regret or guilt? “You… I- I don’t believe you!” He shrieked out suddenly, refusing to believe that Sae could possibly reserve any kind of emotion for him besides contempt and bitterness. “You’re so full of shit… you wanted this to happen! You wanted me to kill myself!” He accused blatantly as the rage and indignation shimmered to the surface before boiling over.

For a moment, Sae looked genuinely stunned before physically recoiling back with shock. “Wha- what the hell? Rin no- I… why the hell would I ever want something like that? Why- how could you even think that I would-“ halfway through his question, Sae’s voice cracked and it seemed like something like realization and self-awareness flickered through his gaze… because when he spoke again, his voice suddenly became reserved and strained. “Rin, I wouldn’t ever want something like that, I never wanted any harm to come to you, I lo-“ He tried to explain, but Rin wasn’t having any of it for even a second.

“Oh yeah!? Then… then tell me! Fucking tell me why you treat me like I’m nothing but a burden! Tell me why you always insult me, mock me, and compare me to Isagi! You- I’ve worked so hard just- just so you would acknowledge me and even just fucking care about me a fraction of what you used to! But then you had to come home during break… I didn’t even- I wasn’t even bothering you at all this entire time! You can’t tell me that you don’t hate me w-when all you do is hurt and make fun of me!” He sobbed desperately, barely able to stomach the pain that burned in his chest whenever he jostled too hard—seriously, were his ribs broken? What happened?

For the first time in what was probably years, Rin seemed to completely stun and surprise Sae to the point of being at a loss for words. “I- I…” his mouth opened and closed a few times and, this time, when Rin yanked his hand out of Sae’s grasp, he didn’t move to grab it again. “I was…” he began again, but Rin felt way too emotionally charged to let him get a word in.

It felt like the angry, raging storm that he had so painstakingly rid himself of before any of this had happened was back with full force and more vicious than ever. “You were what!? I don’t fucking know what kind of game you’re playing at right now or why the fuck your trying to lie to me, but you can fuck off because I’m not going to fall for another one of your sick, twisted jokes! Just admit it! Just admit that you’ve always hated me and that you probably wished I never woke up! You probably wished that I died so you’d never have to see my useless face ever again-!” This time, Rin’s voice cracked and he had to bring a weak, trembling hand up to wipe the tears pouring freely from his eyes as he sniffled… but it seems that his angry tirade had offered Sae a little bit of clarity, because he suddenly found the words and mind to speak.

“I never wanted you to die, Rin!” Sae shrieked back, his voice just as frustrated and desperate as Rin felt right now. “I- how could you even say that!? I- I saved you! Why would I save you if I wanted you to die!? Why would I go through all the effort of getting you to the hospital and waiting here for days without leaving your side if I didn’t want you to be okay!?” He argued back and Rin could hear the indignation and agitation in his tone as he did—funny, as if he deserved to be the frustrated one in this situation.

Rin was seconds away from snapping back something just as vicious and scalding as earlier, but something in Sae’s argument caught his attention. “… what?” He breathed out softly, his voice going dangerously quiet and it seems that Sae could feel the sudden shift in his demeanor as well. “What the fuck do you mean you saved me? What- what the hell even happened… how- why didn’t it work? What the fuck happened after I went under the water!?” He snarled, not missing the way Sae visably flinched back at the implied accusation… but rather than shrink back timidly—of course he wouldn’t do that… he was still Itoshi Sae, regardless of how out of character he’d been acting this entire time—he seemed to double down on his own insistence and ferocity.

“What… what the fuck do you mean ‘why didn’t it work’? I- fuck… never mind, that’s- that’s a whole other thing to deal with later.” He shook his head with exasperation and something Rin might’ve recognized as anxiety and worry had he not been so stubbornly bitter right now. “The reason you’re not fucking dead right now is because I jumped into the water, pulled you out, and gave you CPR before you could drown!”

What…? Sae saved him? Why would he do something like that when it was obvious he hated Rin so much? Why would he not only risk his own life jumping in after Rin but also apparently waste multiple days in the hospital waiting for him to wake up? “Wh- no… why? Why would you do something like that?” He asked desperately, completely at a loss for words when Sae let out a weak, exhausted sigh.

“Because I didn’t want to lose you, Rin… I couldn’t lose you.” He explained and, for the first time, it really dawned on Rin just how tired Sae looked—yeah, at first glance he’d realized that Sae looked like shit… but now, seeing him not only looking but also sounding so desperate and tired, Rin could pick up on the slight tremor in his entire body, the stiffness in his posture, the absolute exhaustion weighing down his usually alert eyes, and just his overall droopiness in general with much more detail.

Something that Rin had resolved himself to never succumb to ever again in Sae’s presence just offered a brief flicker of light, piercing through the dark, stormy rain clouds of anger and hatred; hope. Hope that, maybe- just fucking maybe, Sae’s words were rooted in sincerity. That just maybe a small part of him really did still love and care about Rin to the point of feeling so much sorrow at the prospect of losing him. “T-then… then why? If you really are sorry then- then tell me… why did you do all of it in the first place? Why did you always go so far out of your way to hurt me? Why did you decide to spend your break at home with me just to-“ his voice cracked again, but he didn’t need to finish his sentence for them to both understand what he was talking about: Why did Sae go out of his way to torment Rin to the point of suicide?

For a moment, Sae was silent as he seemed to contemplate and calculate the question in great detail before responding… and—because what else was new?—his answer absolutely snuffed out any and all traces of that beautiful, shimmering light of hope, once again casting Rin back down into the lonely, dark depths of his own prison-like mind. “I just… I wanted to train and prepare you for the kinds of torment and criticism you’d have to learn to survive and thrive in if you want to have a shot at actually becoming a world-class football player.” He explained and his voice—while obviously regretful-sounding and guilt-ridden—fell way too flat for Rin’s liking, as if he were explaining the most straightforward, simple concept in the entire world… and it pissed him off to no fucking end.

As soon as the explanation left Sae’s mouth, a bitter, almost-amused laugh escaped his throat and Rin really couldn’t care less if he looked like an absolute mad-man sobbing while chuckling viciously at the same time. “Oh… oh! Of course! Of course it all comes back down to football!” He shrieked and if someone were to walk in without understanding the context of the situation, they might’ve thought Rin almost sounded gleeful.

“Wait, Rin… no, I- I promise I didn’t mean it like that-“ Sae tried to protest, but Rin wasn’t listening anymore; he wouldn’t ever listen to anything Sae had to say to him ever again.

“I should’ve known… I should’ve fucking known that the only way you would ever give a damn about me is because of football! I should’ve known that I’m nothing but- but a fucking chess peice with ‘some potential’ in your eyes! It’s not because I’m your little brother… it’s because you just can’t bear the thought of your precious little pet striker dying before you can make good use of me! Hah… I’m such a fucking idiot for believing that there was even the slightest fucking chance of you actually loving me!“ Rin screamed, fueled by nothing but sheer rage and agony, no doubt loud enough for everyone in the immediate area to hear his break-down with full clarity, but he didn’t give a fuck.

“R-Rin it’s not like that! I promise that I really do lov-“

“JUST GET THE FUCK OUT! I- I fucking hate you Sae! You- you couldn’t just let me die peacefully? I really fucking meant the things I wrote you in that last message… if you even read it, that is-“

“I did! Rin, I swear I-“

“I really fucking meant it when I said I loved you and still thought of you as my Ni-Chan, and I had finally come to peace with the fact that you couldn’t ever love me the way I love you-“

“Rin, but I-“

“But you just couldn’t let me die happily, could you!?” He screamed in accusation, not even trying to hide the way his voice strained and wavered with blatant hysteria and agony. “You just had to ‘save’ me so you could continue using me for your sick and twisted football experiment! You just saved me so you could keep dragging me along like I’m some little fucking worthless pet that you can treat like shit while expecting me to still follow your every word! Well- well guess what!? I’m done! I’m done… I’m so fucking done! I’m so fucking done with you… with everything about you! If you think that I’m just gonna get back up and continue chasing after you and some worthless dream once all of this is over and I’m released, then you should just fuck off back to Spain for another four years because it’s never going to happen! I- I’m done with football, and I’m done with you! If- if you really can’t love me as a little brother or see me as anything more than an asset, t-then… then I don’t love you as my big brother anymore either! Starting from today you… you’re no longer my Ni-Chan, and I never want to see you ever again!” He finished with a weak, shuddering gasp and a vicious sob that tore from his throat and sent a stab of agony through the right side of his ribcage.

Rin could barely see anything through the waterfall of tears blurring his vision, but the second he barely registered Sae looking like he was about to open his mouth to speak, he lost it. “GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE ANYWHERE NEAR ME EVER AGAIN!” He screeched as loudly as he could and, this time, before Sae could even attempt to say anything, Dr.Takashi—well, he assumed that the vague, wobbling silhouette that rushed into the room was the Doctor—rushed into the room.

“What’s going on-“ Dr.Takashi tried to ask, but Rin had decided that he would seize both the man’s authority and his own status as a patient to its fullest potential at that very moment.

“Make him leave!” He demanded angrily, flailing his hand in the direction of Sae’s motionless, silent figure. “I- I don’t want him here! Make him leave! Go away! Go away!” Rin was barely coherent at this point and he could vaguely make out the sound of what he assumed to be his heart-monitor beeping rapidly. “MAKE HIM LEAVE, I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM EVER AGAIN!”

“Wh- okay, okay… please try to calm down, Rin! You’ll injure yourself!” Dr.Takashi held up his hands in a gesture that Rin assumed was meant to be soothing, but as long what-used-to-be his Ni-Chan Sae was still in the room, he refused to stop screaming and freaking out.

“I’ll only calm down when he leaves!” He shrieked; he was on the verge of flailing and crying with pure frustration and hurt once again, but Sae took that very moment to stand up, give Dr.Takashi a barely audible apology for having caused trouble, and walk out of the room without another word.

After a few moments of stunned silence, Dr.Takashi turned back towards him and gave him an expression Rin couldn’t quite decipher through his tears. “What… what happened?”

…

…

…

“Nothing important.”

Chapter Text

Driven by nothing but his most primal instincts, Sae mindlessly stumbled around the hospital until he by chance managed to find his way to the cafeteria where he bought food, sat down at a table, and picked at his meal with all the vigor of a corpse despite the fact he hadn’t eaten in days.

For a while, he simply sat there, occasionally nibbling on a scrap of bread or sipping on the water he’d also apparently acquired—he couldn’t remember having bought or grabbed it? Maybe around an hour passed of him literally doing nothing—even long after he’d finished his small plate of food—before it finally dawned on him; Rin’s words:

‘You’re no longer my Ni-Chan, and I never want to fucking see you ever again!’

“Gh-ack…” Sae choked on the water he’d been sipping when a sudden wave of nausea gripped and twisted his stomach, threatening to regurgitate the small amount of energy he’d just acquired and make a mess all over the table.

Rin saying things like that to him was nothing new; he usually feigned hatred and disinterest when it came to Sae, and especially ever since the U-20 match concluded… and- yeah, Sae would be lying if he said a small part of him hadn’t always felt those words on an emotional level—despite how much he tried to convince himself that he didn’t care—but he knew that this time was different; the hatred in Rin’s eyes couldn’t have been more genuine this time.

Sae had grown used to seeing hatred in Rin’s icy, rage-twisted glare… but deep down, the part of him that still loved Rin deeply took satisfaction and comfort in knowing that, right below the surface of that scowl, there lay a deep-rooted, undying sense of admiration and love that fueled Rin to continue chasing after Sae like his life depended on it; he truly believed that, no matter how much he pushed Rin away, Sae would still see him whenever he looked over his shoulder, reaching and desperately chasing for his approval and companionship once again…

But he knew this time was different; the way Rin’s eyes had flared with pure, unfiltered hatred and resentment as he bit those words… Sae knew that he truly meant them this time; Rin was done with him for good, meaning Sae would never again be blessed with the adorable, innocent smile of admiration that he used to love seeing when they were children. Rin would never smile at him ever again.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered out loud, his voice still managing to ring loudly in his own ears despite how barely-audible he was. It really was his fault… he hadn’t meant to come off as detached or uncaring when he answered Rin’s question and explained to him that he’d tormented him for football purposes, but even as he spoke the words aloud, he realized he’d messed up.

Despite how simple and truthful his answer had been, Sae knew how pathetic and trivial of an explanation it was; ‘I hurt, abandoned, and tormented you because I wanted you to be better at football’… seriously? If someone had caused Sae as much pain as he had caused Rin and then tried to apologize while giving that as an excuse… Well, Sae felt he would react identically to how Rin had; he would lose his shit and banish the person he did it from his life until the end of time.

Seeing Rin look at him with not only hatred and resentment, but a deep, unrelenting pain in his eyes as if relinquishing Sae as his Ni-Chan had been the hardest thing in the world for him despite how angry he’d been had offered Sae a new level of understanding and sympathy for just how much pain Rin had been suffering through this entire time.

He had loved Sae so much that he’d endured all the torment, cruelty, and rejection to chase after him in hopes of being accepted just one more time… and, even after Sae had spat words that were nothing short of the most disgusting of cruelties he’d ever uttered and that had ultimately been the final push towards Rin attempting to commit suicide, he had still taken the time to write that final message to him; he’d still left words written with love, affection, and gratitude as their final goodbye… and, most importantly, he’d still thought of Sae as his Ni-Chan back then.

Not anymore, though.

…

Sae had been both anticipating and expecting for Rin to react similarly to how he had when he’d woken up and he first made his attempt at an apology… but, now that the worst-case scenario had actually come to pass, Sae realized that nothing in this world could have truly prepared him for how deeply Rin’s words cut; deep enough to stab and twist at his aching heart with utmost ferocity.

Even worse a pain than he’d felt when he held Rin’s cold, unmoving body on the beach right after he’d tried to commit, every nerve in Sae’s body began to burn and twist with an unbearable agony. His heart ached like never before, he nearly doubled-over with nausea, and, worst of all… Sae had to confront the most horrific realization head-on and had nothing to brace himself for the impact once it finally made contact: Rin was gone and Sae was alone; his baby brother was gone. He was alive, but he wasn’t Rin anymore… he was a broken, scarred shadow of what-used-to-be the loving, admiring little brother that he had been before that night in the snow… and it was all Sae’s fault; this agony and crippling sense of loneliness was entirely self-inflicted, and the pain he knew Rin was suffering through in turn was just as awful a thing for him to imagine.

He hadn’t meant it like that… he hadn’t meant to give the impression that he only cared about Rin because of his football potential, and definitely not because he thought of Rin’s as a pet—god, even just thinking back to the way Rin purposefully went with that wording made him sick to his stomach… even more so, that was.

Rin was his baby brother, of course Sae loved him; more than anything and everything in the entire world… but, it’s not like he could blame Rin for being so skeptical and just flat out rejecting his advancements at apologizing; Sae wouldn’t have forgiven himself either—hell, he just about despised himself right now; seriously ‘that was stupid of you’? Was that really the first thing his socially-awkward, idiotic mouth could come up with as the first thing to say to Rin’s post-suicide, still very-much depressed self the moment he’d woken up?

Pathetic.

Maybe it really would be better for the both of them—no, maybe it would really be better for Rin if Sae were to just disappear before he had the opportunity to accidentally hurt his already-suffering little brother even more. Maybe, if he truly did love Rin like he had so desperately been trying to explain while apologizing, Sae really should just fuck off and never show his face in front of him ever again, finally severing the broken, twisted fragments of a long-dead bond that did nothing but continue to hurt the both of them—well, more so Rin than anything.

…

But the thing was, Sae didn’t want that; he didn’t think he could live with that.

Sae didn’t want the last words spoken between him and Rin to be ones of hatred and resent; he couldn’t bear the idea of going the rest of his long, miserable life without ever seeing the beautiful, loving smile of his little brother pointed in his direction at least one last time. He wanted to apologize over and over until Rin understood that Sae truly did love him more than anything else in the world not because he so selfishly expected forgiveness—though, he desperately hoped for it—but because he just couldn’t walk away from this with his little brother thinking that Sae thought of him as some sort of ‘pet’ or ‘experiment’.

Even just the idea of walking out of those exit doors and never seeing his little brother ever again was enough for Sae’s entire body to tremble and hitch as he began to cry. “I can’t…” he exhaled weakly, shaking his head and clenching his fists so hard that his nails drew blood. “I-I’m sorry for being so selfish, Rin… b-but I can’t leave it like this. I just- I just can’t-“ his voice cracked and echoed pitifully through the empty cafeteria, and lucky no one was around to see the ‘great’ Itoshi Sae’s pathetic demise—not that he would’ve cared anyways. “I can’t… I can’t, I’m sorry. I need you to- I need you to understand…” he explained to nobody but himself, squeezing his eyes shut tight as a full-body sob clawed at and eventually escaped from his throat. “I’m sorry I’m selfish… I’m so fucking sorry…” he must’ve looked insane and, honestly, he felt a little insane too; sitting alone in a hospital cafeteria long past dusk, talking and sobbing to himself like a lunatic, selfishly plotting how he’d somehow make another pathetic attempt at an apology to Rin… yeah, Sae had really hit a new low in life; one that he completely deserved, mind you.

Sniffling and using his paper-napkin to wipe the tear-tracks from his face, Sae made a small, almost-amused sound when it dawned on him how ironic this whole situation was. For so long, Rin had been the one desperately chasing and trying to live up to Sae’s expectations while receiving nothing but rejection and cruelty in his attempts… and, in a sort of way, Sae was now being forced to reap what he sow and play the exact same role but in reverse; now he would be the one doing the chasing, he was the one desperately pleading and begging that his words be acknowledged and understood by his little brother.

“Heh…” It was really ironic how things turned out, wasn’t it? Karma was truly painting one of her greatest works at the moment… and, despite everything else, Sae couldn’t help but feel a little bit satisfied because of it; in a sick and twisted way, it made him feel ‘better’ knowing that he would be forced to pay retribution for what he did to Rin by suffering in the exact same shoes his little brother had been forced to wear this entire time.

Sae wouldn’t quit… not yet, at least. Rin suffered through years of agony in the pursuit of merely trying to catch Sae’s attention and, even then, he probably wouldn’t have given up and succumbed to the darkness had it not been for Sae’s idiocy during this past week… so Sae wouldn’t give up after one failure either.

He knew that, at some point, he would reach a limit and would have to know when enough-was-enough and he should just quit before he ended up truly pushing Rin past his breaking point once again, but Sae didn’t think that one failure marked that point quite yet… so he refused to quit.

Sae would willingly suffer through anything Rin threw his way; scorn, resentment, spite, bitterness, detachment… all of it. Even if his attempts at apologizing and reconciliation truly did lead him nowhere but the cold, bitter waste-land of a forever-broken bond, Sae wouldn’t stray or quit from the path of trying until he was forced to by Rin himself… because, whichever the outcome might be, Sae owed it to his little brother to not only try, but also endure the same, painful trail of sorrow he’d walked alone all this time as well…

If nothing else came out of this, Sae would at least see to serving the karma he owed…

he would at least suffer for his mistakes.

Chapter Text

Predictably, ‘serving the karma he owed’ was just as difficult and heartbreaking as Sae had imagined it would be; not only had Dr.Takashi asked Sae to give Rin a full night of space before attempting to visit him again—meaning Sae had slept in a visitors’ chair outside the room—but, once he had been allowed back in, the second he nervously and hesitantly walked through the door, he was met with the sight of an angry, hurt-looking Rin who seemed to be on the verge of completely exploding at him… so he quickly retreated backwards before he could cause another scene.

He’d spoken to Dr.Takahsi about it and he explained that if Rin expressed the desire for him the leave the room at any given moment, Sae would have to comply to his wishes with no questions asked and, if Rin were at some point to ever permanently ban him from the room, Sae would have to ask a staff-member to check in and in on his behalf and get Rin’s permission just to enter again… a power Rin luckily hadn’t yet invoked, but the second time that Sae had tried to quietly stride into his room, he looked to be on the verge of enacting his patient-authority moments before Sae hurriedly skittered away before he could get the words out.

Sae wished that he could’ve said that he eventually grew numb to the pain of swift and blatant rejection, but he didn’t; it never failed to cut just as deeply as the first time, because each and every occasion where Rin immediately rejected him was essentially the same thing as him repeating those same words from the first time Sae had tried to apologize:

‘You’re no longer my Ni-Chan, and I never want to fucking see you ever again!’

He was definitely making good on those words, meaning Sae spent the majority of his ‘inbetween- time’ eating in the cafeteria, crying in a random corner, or just sitting around on a chair while contemplating every single idiotic decision he’d made that had led him to this point in life—it was a long list, so that one in particular kept him fairly busy.

He hadn’t left the hospital over four days—counting the first two-and-a-half where Rin had been unconscious—and he wasn’t planning on leaving until Rin did, meaning he had around two more weeks of Rin being trapped in his hospital bed—that’s how long the hospital wanted to keep him to monitor his vitals and allow his ribs to heal—before he would have the freedom and capacity to run away from Sae to his heart's content… so, essentially, Sae would have to find a way to fix everything—or at least fix enough to the point of Rin actually being willing to entertain even a brief conversation with him—before this convenient situation would be no more and the most critical window of time he had would be closed for good…

No pressure or anything.

As the fifth day emerged a new and Sae unfolded his aching, pain-ridden body from a random visitation chair once again, he blinked his tired, sleep-crusted eyes a few times before what had become an almost 24/7 sense of waking urgency slapped him across the face, promptly waking him up to full alertness in the span of less than a few seconds; he couldn’t afford to be wasting time sitting around like an idiot… he should be planning, calculating, and making a fresh set of attempts at making it more than three feet into Rin’s room without being screamed or cursed at.

He frowned a little when he registered how alive and busy the hospital already seemed to be with workers; it meant that Sae had woken up a little bit later than what had become his average. “Dammit…” he grumbled, cringing when he attempted to stretch his legs and was almost immediately met with a painful calf-muscle cramp. “Gh-! Fuck…” he hissed out quietly, bending over to massage his leg before his eyes naturally caught sight of Rin’s cracked-open door in his peripherals; he desperately wanted to just barge in, ramble out everything he needed to say to Rin, and leave before he could have a chance to be yelled at… but he knew that rushing out an apology and explanation before immediately bolting wouldn’t quite have the intended impact or effect he was hoping for.

He was at somewhat of a loss right now and it ate away at his sanity and heart like nothing before. It was clear by now that Rin was not about to tolerate him just walking into the room uninvited, but Sae really didn’t have any other methods of approaching if it wasn’t that… but how could he even begin to recite the apology he’d spent hours perfecting if Rin wouldn’t even put up with his presence enough for him to walk through the door? He knew he could continue this method of just waiting until Rin got too tired of yelling at him… but he was working with a limited-time and, even if he hadn’t been, there was no telling how long until Rin just snapped and banished him permanently.

What else could he try? Maybe if he walked in while Rin was still asleep Sae would be able to approach him in a state of post-sleep grogginess, promptly allowing him enough time to catch Rin’s attention with his sincerity—hopefully Rin would listen to his sincerity, at least—before getting yelled at and kicked out? He hadn’t yet tried that on account of it being only the second new morning since Rin had woken up, and it was looking like his best option right now.

He wasn’t sure if Rin would be awake or not yet, but what did he have to lose at this point? His little brother already resented him to the point of refusing any and all contact, so what was one more pitiful, stinging rejection and cry-session that followed?

Taking a deep, steadying breath and mentally preparing himself for the possibility of Rin already being awake and cursing him out as soon as he walked through the door—not that any ‘preparations’ he made would save him from the sting of immediate rejection—Sae nervously made his way over and brought a hand up to quietly push the cracked-door open all the way, breathing out a sigh of pure relief when his eyes adjusted to the dim, blue-ish lighting of the room, revealing an almost-peaceful-looking, sleeping Rin.

“Rin…” he breathed out quietly on instinct, his heart squeezing with both guilt and warmth at the sight of his little brother looking increasingly healthier as the days passed… but, it was also a bitter reminder that each day of failure brought him closer to the very real possibility of losing the opportunity to apologize to Rin forever.

With the grace of a cat—a very wobbly, uncoordinated cat that had barely eaten or slept in days—Sae ‘silently’ managed to make his way over to Rin’s bedside, quietly pull up a chair, and settle himself into it all without waking Rin—he had stirred and mumbled a few times on account of Sae’s clumsiness, but he luckily hadn’t awoken. “Rin…” Sae whispered again, smiling a little when he reached for and gently clasped his hand over Rin’s still one, enjoying the small rush of satisfaction at having managed to get so close to his little brother without getting cussed out—well, to be fair, Rin was still asleep right now and would definitely start cursing and screaming at him the moment he woke up and gained clarity, but Sae still counted this as a victory; a small, almost-insignificant one… but a victory nonetheless.

Being able to hold and squeeze Rin’s warm hand within his own again felt nice despite the fact that there was also an ironic layer of bitterness to gesture now… but Sae was desperate and would take literally anything that he could get at this point. “You look a little more peaceful now, Rin…” he murmured under his breath, unable to stop the joyous warmth that bloomed in his chest when he realized that, technically, he was conversing with his little brother—again, the circumstances of the ‘conversation’ weren’t ideal and it couldn’t really be called a conversation given the fact that it was one-sided, but it made him feel a little bit lighter than he had before…

That was, until said little brother began to stir, blink and give Sae a confused, dazed look for a few moments before that crashing wave of hatred and resent roared to life behind his wide, turquoise eyes as he snapped awake. “You…” he hissed, his voice deathly quiet and Sae immediately realized that his plan of catching Rin off guard while he was still sleepy had been a grave mistake on his part—he had truly underestimated just how much Rin seemed to hate him; his resent was so powerful it even managed to transcend the typical minute-long post-sleep groggy cooldown time that he’d been centering his whole plan around. “What… What the fuck are you doing in here!” He growled darkly, his eyes sharpening into a cutting glare when he realized Sae was once again clutching onto his hand before roughly yanking it away and out of reach. “What the fuck is your problem! I told you to leave me the fuck alone!” He spat coldly, his eyes flaring with warning when Sae opened his mouth in an attempt to speak. “Don’t- just shut the fuck up! I don’t give a fuck what bullshit you’re going to try and pull now… why can’t you just fuck off and- seriously, why the fuck were you watching and grabbing me in my sleep like some sort of creep!?” He scowled, making it a point to shift as far away from Sae as possible despite it very obviously causing him pain in the ribs. “Don’t answer that! It was fucking rhetorical you dumb fuck!” He snapped suddenly, swiftly cutting Sae off moments before he’d been about to answer earnestly. “Get out! Just- can you honestly just fuck off!? Do I need to make it any more obvious at this point that I hate you!? I told you, you’re not my older brother anymore, and i'm not interested in hearing anything you have to say-“

“But, Rin-“

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT FUCKING NOW, SAE!” He screamed at full volume and his angry shouts would undoubtedly alert Dr.Takashi or a passing nurse if he were to continue… so, with a heavy, defeated heart, Sae very quickly scrambled from his chair and bolted out the door as quickly as possible, holding his breath in anticipation as he nervously awaited someone possibly coming to check in on Rin and be informed of his disturbance—Sae knew that it was ultimately up to Rin to banish him permanently, but that didn’t mean he wanted the already tired, all-too-aware staff to know that Sae’s presence had caused a scene again; they might file a complaint and get him kicked out of the whole hospital!

Sighing heavily and shaking his head, Sae let himself slump backwards against a wall, sliding down until he sat down fully on the cold, no-doubt disgustingly filthy floor… but he really didn’t have it in him to give a fuck about things like that anymore. “Two words…” he mumbled with exasperation as he reflected upon the utter failure that was his latest-attempt at reconciling with his little brother. “Not even a full sentence…” he chuckled bitterly, not even trying to fight against the tears that pooled and escaped from his eyes when, once again, the full extent of Rin’s resent and anger really seemed to dawn on him.

Even with the element of surprise, Sae’s mere presence had disturbed Rin so much to the point of him almost immediately waking up from dead-sleep, screaming and yelling his head off with anger, and kicking Sae out without even letting him get three full words in.

…

Sae didn’t know what to do and, despite having resolved himself so firmly to not give up easily, he couldn’t help but momentarily succumb to the vicious, stinging sorrow that gripped and stabbed at his throbbing heart as he cried… and—because he always found a reason as to why he should punish himself even further—Sae couldn’t help but lament on the fact that the pain and agony he was suffering through right now didn’t even hold the slightest candle to what Rin had endured all these years; both in duration and severity. “Piece of shit…” he cursed himself angrily, welcoming the fresh, almost-satisfying stone of self-loathing that sank heavily in his stomach. “You deserve to suffer a thousand times this amount before you can even dare compare your pain to Rin’s.” he hissed, cursing himself once again for having the audacity to sit and cry on the floor like a goddamn toddler when this was entirely his fault to begin with.

Sniffling and bringing a hand up to wipe his eyes, Sae shakily pulled himself to his feet and set about towards what had become his newest ‘thinking spot’: the cafeteria.

Usually he didn’t like being in the cafeteria so early; it meant that there would undoubtedly be a lot more guest than if it were night, and there was… but, Sae really needed a ‘safe’ spot to run over his latest calculations and observations—AKA, a place where he could drown his sorrows far away from Rin’s room under the guise of it being ‘productive planning’.

He bought breakfast, picked and nibbled at it as usual, and set about cataloging Rin’s reaction to his latest attempt: he’d freaked out, swore a lot, and kicked Sae out of his room before he could even get a full sentence in… so, essentially, literally nothing had differed from his last few attempts.

Once again, Sae was at a complete and utter loss, left to do nothing but wait for an adequate amount of time to pass before once again attempting at making it past the first step of ‘entering Rin’s room’ while desperately hoping that, this time, something would be different.

Feeling a more than a little put off and disappointed by Rin’s particularly violent reaction this morning, Sae had busied himself—cried and regretted his life choices—all the way up until the blue sky had turned a blazing, fiery orange-pink before deciding that, if he didn’t try again now before it turned dark and Rin fell asleep, he would have once again wasted an entire day without making any progress.

Sighing and going through his recently-discovered ‘preparation for rejection’ ritual, Sae practically dragged his feet as he stumbled all the way back up to Rin’s room on the third floor just as the hazy-pink sky had darkened into a deep shade of indigo, allowing for the stars to flicker and sparkle like glittery paint-flecks against its contrasting canvas.

He took a deep breath, swallowed dryly, and tried his best to steady his appearance to the best of his abilities before he pushed the door open and stepped in, fully prepared and expecting to be cursed out screamed at the second he crossed the threshold… but, what he hadn’t been expecting in the slightest was the sight of Rin chuckling, his eyes twinkling with a dim but very-real amusement as he clutched at a stranger’s hand, his laughter only cutting short when he paused to scowl and huff when he noticed Sae’s presence and, with that, the ‘stranger’ who held his little brother’s hand finally turned around and-

“Isagi Yoichi?” Sae exhaled with shock, never once taking his eyes off the way Rin not only allowed, but also reciprocated the way Isagi held his hand…

The same hand he hadn’t allowed Sae to hold.

Chapter Text

Rin was beyond exhausted; Sae refused to leave him alone and he didn’t understand why. He’d sworn of Sae as his Ni-Chan and cursed at him anytime he tried to walk through the door, but Sae just kept trying… and was starting to agitate him—especially when he woke up this morning to find Sae already at his bed-side and clutching his hand like some sort of weirdo before Rin screamed and shooed him away.

He didn’t have even the slightest clue as to what sort of game Sae was trying to play with him right now. Normally, if Sae were to be so insistent about anything, it would be to insult and criticize Rin to the point of crying or running away… but he wasn’t trying to do that anymore—at least, Rin assumed he wasn’t based on his body language and expression; he hadn’t actually allowed Sae to get a word out since that pathetic ‘apology’ he’d tried to pull the first time around.

He tried his best to ignore the way his heart stung and twisted with pain every single time Sae tried to reach him, but Rin knew that the only reason he was being so persistent was because it had some thing to do with football—it always did—and, honestly, Rin couldn’t give two fucks about football or his dream of becoming the best striker right now… he was too preoccupied with just trying to stay afloat and not let himself succumb to the crippling pains that stabbed at him from every angle—both physical and emotionally.

Luckily, Sae seemed to at least have the decency to give him some space in between attempts, meaning it gave Rin a lot of alone time to contemplate his own attempt—the suicide one. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact that he’d tried to kill himself a few days ago at this point. One would think the initial reaction would be regret or disbelief, but Rin couldn’t really bring himself to feel anything besides a dull, almost-numbing sensation of pain and sorrow that plagued him 24/7… and that wasn’t exactly the best incentive to be grateful that he hadn’t died.

If someone were to ask Rin if he would try and do it again, well… he couldn’t confidently shake his head and answer with a firm ‘no’; how could he when he felt just as shitty and empty as he had before any of this had started—technically even more shitty seeing as he was once again slapped in the face with the realization that nobody gave a fuck about him?

Despite the fact that Rin had failed at drowning himself physically, he still felt as if his head was being held underwater as he was slowly suffocated and drained of life-force until nothing but a hollow, empty husk would remain of him, and this hospital wasn’t making it any better whatsoever. Dr.Takashi’s occasional check-ups and presence were appreciated—Rin wasn’t sure why, but he genuinely liked the doctor and almost always felt a little bit comforted by his presence—but his visits never lasted long before he had to go tend to something else… meaning Rin spent the majority of his time listening to the dull, rhythmic beeping of his own heart-monitor while feeling as if he were slowly going mad in some sort of insane-asylum isolation-room every time he looked around his room to find the same sterile-white walls covered with the occasional ‘inspirational poster’ that he’d read a thousand times over—he could have requested entertainment in in some form, like TV, Radio, games, company… but he honestly didn’t really feel like it anyways; there was something almost amusing about the way he slowly seemed to be devolving back into madness.

Despite that Rin refused to request any sort of entertainment that would undoubtedly help improve his condition, he still felt suffocated by the stuffy, sterile atmosphere that he had condemned himself to. He just wished that there was at least one person in this world that he could rely on; someone he could trust and lean on while he broke the surface and took a much-needed breath of fresh air-

“…Rin?” A foreign, yet familiar voice called out to Rin and, for a moment, he assumed that it was Sae once again trying to talk to him… but, moments before he’d been about to open his mouth and curse him away, Rin’s eyes adjusted and he was shocked to find that the person standing in the doorway was not his disowned older brother, but Isagi Yoichi.

For a moment, Rin simply stared wide-eyed and gaping at the sight of his Bluelock rival standing nervously in his doorway and looking like he was on the verge of tears as. “Isagi…?” Rin breathed out in disbelief, startling a little when Isagi’s deep-blue eyes wavered a little bit before he rushed over to the bedside and began to practically attack Rin with a slew of jumbled, nervous questions.

“Rin you’re really alive! Are you okay! What the hell was that text message you sent to me! Did- did you really try to kill yourself!? I called Sae that night and- but he never told me what was going on or if you were okay! Rin… Rin please tell me it’s not true! P-please… why would you do something like this?” He gasped out weakly, his chest heaving from exertion and Rin realized that Isagi was indeed on the verge of crying, something he couldn’t quite understand at the moment—why would Isagi of all people care that he tried to kill himself? After all, Rin had always treated him like less than dirt beneath his shoe… so shouldn’t be glad at the prospect of Rin eliminating himself and therefore no longer having competition?

Taking a few baffling moments to comprehend everything that had happened in the last minute alone, Rin scowled and yanked his hand away when Isagi made a move to grab it. “What the hell are you doing here?” He hissed, shooting daggers when Isagi had the audacity to look at him with confusion in his eyes.

“Rin I- you didn’t seriously think I could just sit around and do nothing after sending me something like that, did you? I-“ his voice cracked and, for the first time, Rin was baffled to see something dangerously close to what he thought looked like genuine worry in his expression… but that couldn’t be right, could it?. “You only ever texted me things like ‘fuck off or ‘get lost’! I knew something was wrong when you sent that message, and I was right!” He snapped, the frustration and accusation in his voice thoroughly startling Rin and he didn’t even have it in him to fight when Isagi once again reached for his hand. “I- are you okay? I mean- as okay as you can be now?” He asked, his voice strained with worry as the tears pooling in his eyes finally became too much and spilled over.

“Okay…?” He repeated blankly, completely at a loss for words. If Rin didn’t know better he would almost say that Isagi sounded genuinely worried about him but that couldn’t be the case; no one could possibly ever be worried about someone like Rin. “I’m… I’m fine now?” He answered dumbly, not quite sure what else he should say in a situation like this. “I- my ribs are broken, but other than that I’m okay.” He explained, not understanding why he was even bothering to respond to his random, unwanted guest… but something in him compelled him to at least answer Isagi’s questions seeing as it was slightly more entertaining that just waiting around to go insane in this godforsaken hospital and- “hold on, how the hell did you even know what hospital I was in? I never told you where I lived?” He hissed when the realization struck him, narrowing his eyes sharply when Isagi gave him a sheepish smile and tried to feign innocence.

“Ah- well… don’t worry about it.” He eventually answered, holding a hand up in surrender when Rin’s glare sharpened even further. “U-uhm… look- it doesn’t matter. The point is that you’re okay.” He breathed out a sigh of relief, his entire body visibly relaxing with the confirmation… but it continued to puzzle Rin to no end.

For a moment, the foolish, child-like part of him that never seemed to learn dared allow a flicker of genuine hope to bloom in his chest; hope that—for whatever crazy reason—Isagi actually cared about him and was genuinely worried by the prospect of him not being okay… but Rin knew all too-well by now that something like that couldn’t ever be true. This had to be some sort of game along the lines of what Sae would play… because there was no way Isagi was being sincere right now. He had to be playing some sort of cruel, twisted joke on Rin to mock his weakness or get into his head.

Feeling all the frustration, pain, and boredom of the last few days boil over when the stinging pain of perceived-betrayal joined the pot, Rin snapped at what happened to be the only misfortunate soul he could currently take his rage out on. “Why the fuck do you care?” He bit suddenly, scowling darkly when Isagi gave him a blank look as if his question were completely ridiculous. “What? Can’t answer? Look, if this is some sort game to you or if your just here to make fun of me for sinking so low, then fuck off already. I don’t care.” He hissed, refusing to believe that anyone could truly be visiting him out of actual genuine concern… especially not somebody he had mistreated and competed with either—hell, Rin’s own two fucking parents couldn’t even be bothered to drop their precious work-trip to pay him a visit after trying to kill himself; something about it ‘being okay because Sae is there’… pieces of shit, he should have never foolishly allowed himself to feel even a flicker of affection for them when he wrote them both that finally message and- fuck, he shouldn’t have written them one in the first place; they didn’t deserve it!

His own older brother—no, what used to be his older brother couldn’t even be bothered to care about him as anything beyond a football player and, even then, that ‘care’ was nothing but a twisted sort of ‘interest’ and ‘experimentation’ as it turned out… so why the hell would anyone give two fucks about Rin if his own family couldn’t even be bothered?

Rin just had to accept the fact that, no matter what he ever did to change his fate, no one in this world could ever love or care about him the way he so desperately wanted; no one would ever hold and hug him like he was something valuable or precious, no one would ever cry if something were to happen to him—not the football player him, but him as a human being—no one would ever smile at him brightly with love and affection… because Rin was broken, and he tried so hard to ignore the stinging pain in his heart that threatened to overflow the ocean of sorrow raging with his mind in the form of tears—especially not in front of Isagi of all people—but it was a hopeless endeavor.

At first he simply sniffled, but it wasn’t long before the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes broke free and slid down his cheeks despite how much he tried to wipe them away. “D-dammit…” he cursed, hating the way his chest and throat tightened as each breath sent both a physical and emotional stab of pain throughout his entire body. “Don’t look…” he pleaded weakly when he distantly realized that Isagi was staring at him silently. “J-just leave. I- I know you don’t actually care so- so please… please just let me be alone. I know you're lying… I know that you don’t actually care what happens to- gh!” He practically begged, completely expecting to once again be abandoned and left alone to his own sorrows… however, he was not expecting the way Isagi suddenly leaned over, wrapped his arms around his hunched, trembling figure and pulled him in for a tight, firm hug that jostled his hurt-ribs a little bit, but Rin was far too shell-shocked to pay that aspect of what was happening any mind at all. “Wh- what…?” He breathed out weakly, instinctively freezing when a hand came up to pat his head gently. “W-what are you doing…?” He asked quietly, completely baffled as he was squeezed ever-slightly tighter by the arms that held him.

“I’m- I’m hugging you…?” Isagi’s quiet, unsure voice answered from somewhere above him. “I’m sorry for overstepping, but you just have to know that I’m not- I swear I’m not trying to make fun of you or anything, Rin. I just… I’m just worried, okay? Is it so hard to believe that someone cares about you?” He asked, clearly intending for it to be a rhetorical question and probably not expecting the way Rin shook his head ‘yes’. “Wha- but I do care about you Rin?” He protested, exhaling in surprise and pain when Rin’s body went tense for a moment before roughly shoving Isagi as far away from himself as possible. “Hey! You don’t need to shove, I just…” he trailed off, his dark-blue eyes going wide when his gaze once again fell on Rin’s pinched, desperate expression.

“Just stop…” Rin mumbled weakly, bringing his hands up to cover his eyes and pathetically shield his face from having to face the other boy. “You’re a liar! I- what, it’s because you're upset that if I die, you won’t have a rival anymore? That’s it, am I right?” He accused blatantly, his heart gripping with pain as the realization dawned on him and any and all hope that flickered in his chest when Isagi hugged him. “ I know how this works…” he shook his head bitterly, flinching backwards when it looked like Isagi was about to reach for him again. “I’m just-“ his voice cracked again, but Rin wasn’t sure what he was trying to say anyways; ‘I’m just so tired of nobody loving me’? Was that really a smart thing to share with somebody who had every reason and was probably already planning to use it against him? He didn’t think so.

“Rin…” Isagi called out to him, undoubtedly noticing the way Rin instinctively flinched back and sniffled when his name was called. “I’m- of course I’d be upset if I lost my rival. If I didn’t have you to look up to and compete with, I know that there’s no way in hell I would’ve made it even half as far as I have…” he trailed off and Rin had been moments away from assuming that his very worst fears of only being valued as a football-player rather than an actual human-being had just been confirmed, but it turns out that Isagi wasn’t finished yet. “But you’re also my friend, Rin.” He declared as if it were the simplest thing in the world for him to say, smiling and shrugging a little when Rin narrowed his watery eyes and gave him a skeptical look. “I know that you probably don’t think of me as your friend, but I’ve always thought of you as mine. I admire you a lot Rin; you’re hard-working, disciplined, passionate, and- yeah, you’re kind of cold and snappy sometimes… but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you.” He explained quietly, giving Rin an earnest, determined look when his gaze was challenged. “I mean it… and- look, if you really want me to leave you alone, then I will if you say the word. I just- you should know that I really do care about you as more than just a rival. I wouldn’t have taken the time to come all the way here if I didn’t.” Isagi smiled a little and, this time, when he reached out to grab his hand one last time, Rin didn’t pull away.

Rin’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to process and locate the mockery that he was sure was hiding somewhere in Isagi’s gaze and words… but, after what felt like hours of searching, he found nothing but sincerity and what he very hesitantly had to admit looked like genuine concern. “I-“ he tried to respond but his voice cracked almost immediately and, this time, when the tears and sobs took him once again, he didn’t weakly beg that Isagi leave or not look at him… he just clutched onto the warm, soothing hand that held his own.

Realistically, Isagi was the last person in the world—besides Sae and his parents— that he should be seeking and tolerating comfort from; after all, being constantly compared to and feeling jealous of Isagi was a big factor of what had pushed him to attempt suicide in the first place… but he really didn’t care or mind that right now, honestly; It’s not like it was Isagi’s fault that Rin couldn’t beat him during the U-20, nor that Sae constantly compared to two of them to purposefully get under Rin’s skin and, right now, he was the only person in the whole world that was at least trying to offer him comfort… and Rin couldn’t pass up any opportunity lessen the pain he’d become way too ‘accustomed’ to.

He wasn’t sure for how long he cried and sniffled as Isagi’s words resonated with him; he also wasn’t sure if he understood nor believed what he was being told—how could he after so many years of being told he wasn’t worth shit?—but, something about Isagi’s presence felt surprisingly comforting and Rin really didn’t want him to leave just yet… which is why when he eventually stopped sniffling and it felt like Isag had been about to release his hand, Rin gave it a sudden, pleading squeeze, startling the both of them with his gesture. “You- I’m not…” Rin began to stutter pathetically, but he didn’t have to finish before Isagi seemed to understand his sentiment and quickly settled back down and squeezed his hand back. “…thanks.” He grumbled begrudgingly, averting his tear-agitated eyes away shyly.

“Yeah.” Isagi nodded simply and they fell into a somewhat-awkward, but also fairly comfortable—given the circumstances—silence while Rin took the next ten minutes to breath and calm himself down enough to straighten out his posture and clear his throat.

“You’re a lukewarm idiot.” Was the first thing that left Rin’s mouth when he felt calmed down enough to speak and, although Isagi gave him a flat, annoyed look, they both knew it was just Rin’s antisocial, shy way of expressing gratitude for everything that had just happened. “Don’t get any ideas and start thinking that just because I had a moment of weakness I’m going to go down easy once Bluelock begins again.” He warned darkly, a little shocked by how natural and effortlessly the words flowed from his mouth—just a little while ago he’d been screaming at Sae and declaring that he’d never play football again… but all it took was seeing Isagi’s face again for him to apparently change his mind.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Isagi countered easily, meeting Rin’s challenging glare with a blazing, confident grin, but it quickly faltered when something else seemed to cross his mind. “Wait- how much longer do you have to be in the hospital? Bluelock starts again in a few days…” he pondered, frowning a little when Rin sighed and mumbled something incoherent. “Is it bad? If you don’t mind me asking… What even happened? I mean- how did you try to…” he trailed off, his eyes seemingly weighed down with worry and pain as he nervously awaited Rin’s answer.

For a moment, Rin hesitated on whether revealing that kind of information was a good idea… but Isagi had already seen and comforted him through what was arguably his most pathetic moment of weakness ever, so what else did he even have to lose anymore? “I… tried to drown myself in the ocean.” He explained flatly, shrugging a little when Isagi audibly gasped and flinched back with shock. “Apparently Sae gave me CPR and broke my ribs… so they want to keep me for around two more weeks—less if they see that I’m healing well… but, even then, I’m not sure if I’ll be ready to play football just because I’m released.” Saying it aloud made Rin realize just how bummed and annoyed he was that he would be missing precious training time… but there was nothing he could do about it now but relax and sort himself out before he got released. “Do you think Ego would let me jump back in once I’m finished healing?” He asked quietly, hating how fragile and hopeful his voice sounded, but he was luckily met with a kind, reassuring smile that was so foreign from what he usually received when showing vulnerability.

“How could he not? You’re Bluelock’s number one, Rin… we would be screwed if you left us for good.” Isagi assured him, grinning broadly when Rin shot him a sharp glare at the unnecessary flattery. “I’m just saying.” He shrugged easily, brushing off Rin’s scowl like it was nothing. “I know that I, for one, would be worse off if you never came back… who else would I have left to destroy?” He joked, clearly attempting to lighten the mood and probably not expecting the way Rin’s eyes flared with a competitive edge—hell, even Rin himself hadn’t been expecting it; this feeling was so different from the numb, unmotivated stupor he’d been in for so long.

“Bold of you to assume that a lukewarm bastard like yourself even stands a chance at ‘destroying’ me.” He snapped back, all too aware of the fact that being bed-ridden, clutching Isagi’s hand like a life-line, and having just cried probably diminished the intimidating edge he’d been hoping to achieve… but, it seems that Isagi took his challenge at face-value because he snapped back with just as much ferocity almost immediately.

“You’re the one who declared me your rival in the changing rooms… even someone as arrogant and pretentious as you has to admit how much of a threat I am.” He countered readily and Rin couldn’t help but feel his spirit soar and his heart leapt with an excitement and passion that he hadn’t felt in a long time as he stared into Isagi’s burning deep-blue eyes. “Besides…” he added after a little while of them just glaring daggers at each other, the visible shift in his demeanor startling Rin nearly just as much as his next words did. “Even as amazing as I am, we need someone like you there to keep the balance against hurricane-Shidou once Bluelock starts up again.” He chuckled, his eyes twinkling with amusement and a little bit of genuine exasperation at the prospect of having to deal with Shidou again. “I can’t imagine how arrogant he’d start acting if he came back and was declared number-one… maybe even more than you already are.” He teased, his usually-innocent smile curling into a devilish little smirk.

It was a stupid, lukewarm joke with an awful transition, but it was so unexpected and such a stark contrast from the gloomy, numb mood that Rin had been in this entire time that he couldn’t help but find it amusing. Gripped by the relief and warmth that came with the sudden rush of amusement, Rin did something he hadn’t done in what was probably years; he laughed.

He laughed at stupid Isagi’s stupid joke not because it was funny, but because it was delivered with intent to cheer him up by somehow who—allegedly—cared about him, and Rin was suddenly powerless to fight against the warmth that bloomed in his chest, tickled his heart, and practically demanded that he laugh… so he did just that.

It was a weak, long-ago abandoned thing… but it was genuine; Rin’s usually-sharp eyes crinkled with amusement and his permanent-scowl relented for a few brief moments to pull upwards into a small grin as he chuckled and snickered quietly… and the way Isagi’s eyes practically bulged out of his head with disbelief and shock when he realized he’d made Rin laugh was even funnier, so he couldn’t help but snicker even more, bringing a hand up to stifle himself when he’d started to gracelessly snort a little bit… and it felt amazing; it felt so amazing to laugh again for the first time in years.

The gesture was foreign and Rin would be lying if he said it didn’t feel a little bit stiff and awkward, but something in him shifted in a way that he couldn’t recall having ever felt since before Sae abandoned him in the snow; it felt like the crashing waves of dark, swirling emotion had somehow… mellowed out? They were still there and thrashing angrily as they threatened to drown Rin like always, but their presence and threat didn’t seem to hold anywhere near as much intimidation as what had become average.

For the first time since the U-20 match concluded, Rin felt almost… happy? It wasn’t the kind of long-lasting, deep-rooted happiness that came with having a joyous, satisfying life… but the kind that came with a particularly amusing moment; regardless, it was the first time Rin had felt anything even close to the sorts in years, so he made a point to enjoy it…

That was, until he so bitterly caught sight of a pink head of hair and turquoise eyes peeking into his room before walking in, and Rin’s momentarily good mood suddenly shifted back into something equally as sour and numb as before Isagi had paid him a visit.

“Isagi Yoichi?” Sae breathed out, his turquoise eyes wide with shock that eventually darkened into something colder and unreadable when his eyes found Rin and Isagi’s locked hands.

That ‘mellowness’ he’d mentioned earlier? Yeah, it was gone now… replaced once again by that dark, bitter hatred and sorrow that fueled the storm and seemed to trail Sae’s presence like an ugly, painful shadow.

Seriously, he couldn't even savor the newly-acquired fleeting sense of happiness that he’d just barely achieved before being slapped in the face with the very person that had drained him of any and all joy to begin with…

But honestly, what else was new?

Chapter Text

“Ni-Chan, where are we going?” Rin asked him as he clutched onto Sae’s hand with his much smaller one. “How come you said I can’t open my eyes yet?” He sounded a bit nervous but also continued to trust and let Sae lead him blindly regardless.

“Because it’s a surprise.” Sae answered simply, just barely managing to conceal the excitement within his voice as he carefully led his little brother around a family of fellow beach-dwellers. “Don’t worry, it’s a good surprise.” He added with a little smile when he heard Rin made a sound of hesitancy.

“…okay Ni-Chan, I trust you.” He answered softly as he clutched at Sae’s hand even tighter, but they had already arrived at their destination. “Huh? Why did we stop?” He asked nervously, bringing his other hand up to grab onto Sae’s forearm. “Are we at the surprise yet?” He questioned as his small body practically buzzed with excitement, but he still dutifully kept his eyes shut until he was given permission to open them… and, when he did, Sae couldn’t help the ear-to-ear grin that stretched across his own lips when Rin’s entire face lit up with joy and disbelief. “Woah!” He hasped, his wide, turquoise eyes twinkling with awe and excitement as he took the little birthday setup Sae had spent all day creating for him.

“Do you like it?” Sae asked quietly, already knowing the answer if Rin’s bright, happy face was anything to go off of. “I got you a present too.” He exclaimed, pulling a small, poorly-wrapped toy out of his pocket and handing it to an excited Rin.

“A new Godzilla toy!?” He gasped after practically tearing the wrapper off, leaving Sae to pick up the shredded paper before it blew away and littered the rest of the beach. “It’s so cool!” He shrieked happily, turning his bright, excited grin towards Sae once again. “Thanks, Ni-Chan!” He thanked, rushing forward to hug Sae tightly and hold up the toy for him to admire despite the fact that Sae had been the one to buy it.

“Of course, Rin.” He smiled, bringing a hand up to hug and ruffle Rin’s messy, dark-green hair. “But next time remember not to litter, it’s bad for the beach.” He scolded firmly but his expression quickly softened when Rin turned his wide, apologetic eyes up towards him.

“Sorry, Ni-Chan…” he mumbled shyly and Sae couldn’t help but find it cute how sad Rin would get whenever he got scolded… but he also didn’t want him to be upset on his birthday so, without any warning, he brought both of his hands up to mercilessly tickle a shrieking, protesting Rin until the two of them fell into the sand. “Noooo! Noooo! That tickles Ni-Chan, stop it!” He pleaded, but his round pudgy face was red with laughter as he flailed and rolled around in the sand, his efforts to defend against the attack rendered pointless by Sae’s superior size and strength.

“Noooo!”

                       ~^~^~^~^~

…

When was the last time Sae had heard Rin laugh? He couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but he assumed it was roughly around the time before he’d left to Spain for the very first time when he was thirteen… and to think, the moment he’d actually tried to make an attempt at reconciliation and apologizing he was so deservingly mocked by the sight of someone else making his little brother laugh while Sae was rejected and cursed at; specifically, Isagi Yoichi—the fucking bastard!

Rin looked like he was about to explode and Sae was nervously bracing himself to be cursed and kicked out any moment now… but, right as his anger visibly reached its zenith, rather than scream, Rin let out a long, agitated sigh before grumbling, shaking his head, and turning back to Isagi, apparently choosing to ignore Sae’s presence… though, unfortunately for the both of them, said boy decided that he would not only greet, but also engage Sae in conversation. “Oh! Sae! I didn’t know you would be here so late! I guess it makes sense, though.” He exclaimed with way too much enthusiasm and relief before patting the chair next to him, clearly oblivious of the straining tension that settled heavily between them.

Rather than move to comply, Sae froze on the spot, hesitantly glancing between Rin and the chair… but when Rin continued to ignore his existence entirely, Sae decided to take the opportunity to slowly creep his way up to the seat and nervously sit down, flinching back a little when Rin whipped his head towards him and shot him a scowl, but otherwise said nothing before turning back to Isagi.

Rin didn’t want to make a scene in front of Isagi, Sae realized with a start, not sure if he should feel frustrated that the only reason he was being tolerated was because of this unanticipated guest, or relieved and excited that he was finally making progress—albeit forced progress and Rin was still glowering at him with enough fire to burn the entire hospital down, but it was progress nonetheless! “Hello, Isagi.” Sae greeted stiffly, unable to take his eyes off the he held and squeeze Rin’s hand like it was the most natural thing in the entire world. “What are you doing here?” He asked, just barely keeping the accusation out of his voice.

“I’m here to visit Rin, obviously? You never called me back that night and I was worried about him.” Isagi explained casually and Sae did not miss the way Rin’s eyes seemed to sparkle a little bit when he did. “I’m actually- uh… I’m actually staying in a hotel nearby since this place is so far away from where I live…” he began, turning back to Rin and giving him a sheepish smile. “So uhm… I was wondering if maybe you wouldn’t mind if I spent the last few days before Bluelock starts here with you?” He asked hopefully, and Sae nearly physically recoiled from the shock when he saw the corners of Rin’s mouth twitch upwards in a small smile as he nodded—seriously, what the hell had Isagi done in such a short time to completely flip Rin’s ‘personality-switch?’ Were they really just that close with each other?

“Yeah, you can stay if you’d like.” He hummed out, quickly smothering his smile to feign his typical cold disinterest, but his voice was very evidently lighter at the prospect and, at that very moment, Sae was able to identify the emotion that had rooted itself in his heart the second he’d walked into the room and saw Isagi holding Rin’s hand and making him laugh: jealousy.

First and foremost, why and how was Isagi here right now? Yeah, Rin had apparently sent him a goodbye text-message too and it was obvious that Isagi had sounded distressed when he’d called Sae to ask for help, but were they really that close that he knew where the two of them lived and what hospital was closest? Well, Sae supposed it made sense that Isagi—being the innocent, overly-caring person that he was—had gone so far out of his way to visit Rin even if they weren’t really close friends, but that begged the question as to why the hell Rin seemed so equally enthusiastic by his visit?

As far as Sae knew, Rin had spent the last few years emulating and wearing the same cold, icy mask that Sae had crafted ever since Spain—if nothing but a cheap copy—and that kind of attitude didn’t exactly allow for one to make many friends nor form very many connections in general—Sae himself struggled with that aspect of his personality to know that all too well—which is why he was completely baffled to see Rin so clearly close with Isagi. He would understand if Rin was acting like his typical disinterested, uncaring self while Isagi attempted to reach out only to be met with the same attitude Sae had been, but his little brother was suddenly acting so
out of character and he struggled to wrap his head around it… and, as fucked up and selfish as it was, Sae was struggling even more to find himself happy about it.

Don’t get him wrong, he was happy for Rin and that he was obviously cheered up by Isagi’s presence… however, what he wasn’t happy about was the fact that it was Isagi of all people that was on the receiving end of Rin’s affectionate soft-side rather than Sae.

He had absolutely no right to be jealous or annoyed by the two’s obvious bond especially considering that this whole predicament was his fault in the first place, but as Isagi sat there and continued to hold and even gently caress Rin’s hand, Sae couldn’t help but feel all of the pain and frustration from his constant rejections boil over… and, conveniently, he had someone he could now be frustrated at without feeling guilty about it: Isagi—the poor, innocent soul.

He sat there silently, internally cursing at Isagi each and every time Rin’s usually-sharp face softened when he smiled or chuckled, and then he cursed and hated himself even more for daring to be upset at anyone who actually had the power to genuinely cheer his little brother up—not that being aware of the what-would-be the rational decision would stop him from being as jealous or childish as he was being right now. He was so lost within his own mind trying to make sense of the blizzard of conflicting emotions that he hardly even noticed the fact that Isagi had been calling out to him. “Huh?” He breathed out dumbly, blinking a few times before turning his head towards the source of his annoyance. “What?” He snapped, not even trying to hide his contempt.

Blinking a few times as he undoubtedly caught a hint of Sae’s agitation, Isagi hesitated for a few moments before shaking his head and obviously brushing it off before repeating the question that Sae had missed. “I asked what you’ve been doing to keep yourself busy while you’ve been staying here? Besides talking to Rin, of course.” He asked innocently, complete unaware of the accidental-mockery his question held from Sae’s perspective

Gritting his teeth and forcing his expression to remain neutral, Sae answered with as much bitterness as he could possibly get away with without completely giving himself away. “Nothing.” He snapped flatly, internally smirking in triumph when Isagi seemed to visibly recoil, clearly sensing at least a hint of the undeserved animosity he felt for the poor, innocent boy…but, unfortunately for Sae, his childish behavior was not lost on Rin who had been laying a mere few feet away and watching the whole interaction.

Scowling and hissing with almost as much bite—if not more—as Sae had directed towards Isagi, Rin’s eyes flared with rage when he turned to him. “The fuck are you talking to your ‘precious little brother’ like that, Sae?” He snapped suddenly, startling both Isagi, but especially Sae when he was once again slapped directly in the face with the consequences of his mistakes.

That’s right, how could he have forgotten? Sae had almost managed to forget the fact that he’d foolishly antagonized Rin by not only comparing him to Isagi in the sense of football, but also in the sense of being a little brother; he’d even pushed the comparison so far that Rin had felt the need to refer to the inferiority and pain he felt in his last message… and—fuck, just when Sae thought he couldn’t feel any shitter about himself, he was somehow reminded of another horrible aspect of how he’d treated his already-suffering little brother… but, because he was a selfish, self-absorbed person, Sae also couldn’t help but lament on the fact that the likelihood of Rin actually enjoying Isagi’s presence should be even lower than he originally assumed when this new information was taken into account; Rin was clearly bitter and hadn’t yet forgotten about the way Sae so idiotically declared Isagi as a ‘better little brother’, so why wasn’t he taking that anger out on Isagi by pushing him away?

Clearly confused by the whole situation, Isagi glanced between Rin and Sae a few times before tilting his head. “Oh- uh… were you talking to Rin just now? Heh, I thought you were answering my question.” He laughed awkwardly, most likely feeling self-conscious for his self-perceived, incorrect assumption. “Sorry I didn’t-“

“He was answering your question.” Rin spat, his resentful, narrowed-eyes never once leaving Sae’s guilt-ridden face. “Just forget about it, Isagi.” He sighed, shaking his head and finally averting his gaze from Sae to look back at Isagi, his expression immediately softening when he did. “It’s just some stupid thing… you didn’t do anything wrong.” He assured, noticeably squeezing Isagi’s hand and unaware of the way it drove Sae absolutely insane.

He wanted to hold Rin’s hand, he wanted to be the the cause and on the receiving end of that bright, innocent smile, he wanted to be the one Rin was so willingly engaging in conversation with… but, it seemed that every single thing Sae did only repelled Rin even further out of his grasp and, now that Isagi had become part of the picture, the whole situation had an added layer of bitter-irony to it—seriously, being jealous of the very person Sae had purposefully tried to make Rin jealous of less than two weeks ago? There was no way that Karma herself wasn’t laughing and pointing at the beautifully ironic picture Sae had hand-painted himself.

Sighing quietly as he was left no other option besides watching bitterly as Isagi continued to cheer his little brother up, Sae once again had to steel his resolve and remind himself not to be discouraged; Rin hadn’t given up after a mere few days, meaning it would be beyond pathetic if Sae did…

So he watched, fighting back the familiar sensation of tears burning behind his eyes as he did.

Chapter Text

As comforting and amusing as an effect that Isagi’s company had on both his heart and state-of-mind, Rin would be lying through his teeth if he said that Sae's silent yet somehow loud and blaring presence didn’t drive him absolutely insane the entire time.

He would have kicked Sae out on account of him disturbing the peace and treating Isagi like crap for absolutely no reason—seriously, he knew that Sae was a piece of shit in general, but whenever Isagi tried to engage him in harmless, innocent conversation, Sae would snap and glare daggers into the poor guy until he got the hint—but Rin also really didn’t want to make a scene in front of his Bluelock rival; Isagi would inevitably get curious and start asking questions and Rin just didn’t feel like explaining nor dealing with all of the dredged up emotions that would come with verbalizing the twisted inner-workings of their relationship—not that what they had could even be called a ‘relationship’ anymore.

“-horror movies, I guess.” Rin shrugged, feeling a little self-conscious to be answering such a trivial, personal question despite the fact that he knew Isagi wouldn’t judge him for it.

Predictably, being the little innocent ray of sunshine that he was, Isagi didn’t judge or make fun of him for his preference in movies, but rather exclaimed his interest in their conversation with a passion and enthusiasm that rivaled the yellow-haired, crazy bee-boy from Bluelock—what was his name again, Bachira? “Wow! I never would’ve taken you for a horror kind of guy- well, I actually never would’ve taken you for an anything-but-football kind of guy either.” He chuckled, rushing to clarify when Rin gave him a look. “It’s just that you’re focused on training and sharpening your skills that I never really imagined you doing anything else with your free time.” He chuckled, completely unaware of the way his seemingly-random contemplation stabbed and at twisted Rin’s heart in a way he hadn’t been anticipating.

The thing was, Rin didn’t do anything aside from sharpening his football skills and training… at least, not anymore. Maybe he would have returned home and spent his break enjoying hobbies and passion alongside football had Bluelock happened before Sae traveled to Spain, left all his attempts at contact unanswered for four years, and absolutely shattered Rin’s fragile little heart before completely abandoning him in the cold, unforgiving snow… but alas, it hadn’t, meaning that almost every waking second of his two week break had been spent obsessing over football and just trying not to suffocate as Sae tormented him—well, not accounting for the five days he’d already spent in the hospital, that was. “I- I don’t really watch that many movies anymore…” he shrugged, a little startled by his lack of reluctance when it came to being honest and vulnerable with Isagi—especially wondering that Sae and his ever-cold, judgmental eyes were sitting silently just a few feet away and undoubtedly listening to every single word.

“Heh, I get that sometimes… ever since Bluelock started I’ve been realizing just how much work I’ll have to put into training if I want to catch up to you and be the best, so I haven’t really had as much time for my other passions either.” He shrugged casually, smiling earnestly when Rin regarded him and silently lamented on how amazing it was that Isagi seemed to find being open and vulnerable with him so easy and effortless. “Maybe we could watch a movie right now?” Isagi suggested suddenly, startling Rin from his contemplative daze and grinning when he was met with only a blank look as an answer. “What? I know it’s late and all, but I’m not going anywhere, so why not? Maybe we could watch a scary movie since you have the time now? Unless you’re tired, of course.” He rushed to add on after the suggestion and Rin couldn’t help the sudden rush of warmth that washed over him at the small, but thoughtful display of consideration Isagi took the time to gesture for him.

“I- okay?” He nodded dumbly and he was both ashamed and humiliated to admit that he was a little bit nervous about the prospect of watching a movie with Isagi; See, Rin had never been good at making friends while he was growing up—why would he when he had what-used-to-be a loving Ni-Chan by his side nearly 24/7?—meaning he’d never actually had any casual hangouts like sleepovers, movie-nights, or anything of the sorts… and, for whatever reason, the novelty of this being something along the lines of his first official hangout with a friend was a bit intimidating—not that Isagi was his friend or anything! He was just lamenting on how this would be something like a hangout with friends, not the real deal!

…

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Rin blinked a few times and was startled to realize that Isagi was gone, leaving only him and an ever-silent Sae alone in the room together. “Isagi?” He couldn’t stop himself from calling out nervously when he became aware of his sudden absence. “Where-“ he began, but his verbal thought-process had been cut short by the sound of Sae suddenly interrupting him.

“He left to go get snacks before you start the movie.” He blurted out randomly, visibly recoiling back when Rin instinctively shot him a cold, accusing glare, but otherwise remained glued to his seat and made no efforts to leave. “He said that he would come back with enough for everyone and that you should pick the movie while he does.” He explained quietly and Rin couldn’t help but scoff at his choice of wording.

“What, so you’re part of ‘everyone’ now?” He bit with as much snark and condescension as humanly-possible, but Sae—although having noticeably shrunk backwards a little—didn’t seem to catch the hint; that or he was simply choosing to ignore it… and it pissed Rin off that he so clearly thought he could just waltz in, take a seat, and pretend like nothing had happened between the two of them. “What are you doing, Sae?” He hissed, but even he could hear the way it tapered off into something weary and exasperated towards the end.

After a few moments of silence, Rin assumed that Sae would simply stay silent as per usual, but, after he’d settled back down and prepared himself to ignore Sae’s presence for the rest of the night, he was met with a sudden, unexpected answer. “I want to watch the movie.” He blurted out randomly, averting his eyes nervously when Rin turned to shoot him a scowl before rolling his eyes.

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Rin confronted flatly and, although his voice remained surprisingly stable and detached to anyone listening to him speak from the outside, only he would be aware of the way his heart twisted and ached with anguish as his little boat rocked mercilessly when a wave of both confusion and longing suddenly towered over him. “Look, Sae- if you’re still here because you’re hoping to use me for football once this is all said and done, then-“ he began and, despite having been the one to finally cut ties and declare their relationship officially over, Rin had to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for the pain and sense of abandonment that he knew would accompany finally allowing this confrontation to happen… but, rather than be met with the bitter disappointment and frustration of his worse assumptions coming to pass, Sae’s interjection caught him off guard.

“No!” Sae gasped out and Rin wasn’t prepared for the raw desperation in his voice nor the way he suddenly leapt up out of his seat to move closer to his bedside. “Rin- I… that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you this entire time! Please… I know you’re angry at me and you don’t want anything to do with me after everything I’ve done to you, and I don’t blame you… but, please just let me explain myself before-“

“I got the snacks!” Isagi announced proudly as he strode into the room holding up a few small bags of chips and sodas. “Hey? I thought you were gonna pick a move, Rin? You didn’t even turn on the…” he trailed off, his eyebrows quirking upwards in confusion as he glanced between Sae and Rin. “Oh, were you two talking about something important?” He tilted his head to the side innocently and Rin could practically feel the frustration and annoyance radiating off of Sae as he silently moved to sit back down in his chair… though, not after giving Rin a pleading, desperate look that silently spoke something along the lines of: ‘please let me talk to you about this later.’

Rin had absolutely zero clue what shit Sae might be trying to pull on him now… and he was way too exhausted to contemplate it or what his decision in regards to Sae’s silent plea would be for very long before giving up, accepting the chips and soda Isagi handed to him, and deciding to temporarily file the dilemma into the back of his mind in favor of watching the movie and just relaxing for once.

After a bit of contemplation and lukewarm suggestion from Isagi—who was very obviously a horror-movie amateur—Rin eventually decided on Paranormal Activity. He’d watched it a couple of times before, but even to this day he still considered it to be one of the most suspenseful, unorthodox horror-movies he’d ever watched in his life. “This one is good.” He hummed out quietly, not talking to anyone in particular as he settled down and made himself comfy in his bed, but he frowned when he realized something wasn’t quite right. “Hey, can you turn off the lights?” He asked, physically startling a little when he realized he had naturally turned towards Sae and made the request without much of a second-thought—yeah, Sae was much closer to the light-switch than Isagi and asking him was more convenient for everyone in the room, but still, Rin had literally denounced Sae’s ‘Ni-chan’ status less then two days ago and was still beyond hurt and enraged by everything he’d been forced to endure because of him… so why had that request come out so casually? Or better question, why hadn’t he kicked Sae out of his room yet? Was it really simply because he ‘didn’t want to make a scene’ in front of Isagi?

Similarly to him, Sae also seemed taken aback that he was not only directly acknowledged by Rin but also called upon to perform a task… but he quickly snapped himself out of it before nodding, and hurrying to comply, promptly casting the room into a darkness befitting of a horror-movie atmosphere. “Okay.”

Still reeling with confusion over what had just transpired, Rin just barely managed to also snap himself out of it before opening his chips, shaking his head, and mumbling something barely-audible before turning his attention and focus onto the movie.

Whatever… he was certain that it was nothing and, once the movie was finished and Isagi left to his hotel for the night, Rin would simply kick Sae out and forget about his request to talk or just everything relating to his existence in general, therefore putting his memory and the confusion that followed with it to rest for good.

…

At least, that’s what he tried to convince himself during the duration of the entire movie.

                        ~^~^~^~^~

As it turned out, regardless of how fierce or competitive Isagi could sometimes be on the football-field, that courage and confidence did not extend to horror-movies; Rin would agree that Paranormal Activity was not something for beginners, but the guy flinched and gasped at every scare—even the blatantly predictable ones!

Him aside, Rin had to admit that indulging himself in a passion he’d long forgotten actually did wonders to lift his spirits—who would’ve thought? He wasn’t ‘scared’ nor feeling the full suspense of the movie seeing as he’d seen it a handful of times before—and the fact that being depressed and existing in a sterile hospital as he recovered post-suicide attempt didn’t allow for very much feeling—but he he would be lying if he said that a few of the jump scares he’d forgotten about hadn’t sent that familiar, exciting thrill up his spine as his heart raced with adrenaline. “You’re such a goddamn coward.” Rin drawled, entirely unimpressed by Isagi’s poor tolerance to horror as the credits rolled and he clicked out of the movie. “If I’d known that you’d be cowering and jumping at every scare, I would’ve picked something more your speed-” He hummed out, suddenly gripped by the inexplicable urge to do something he hadn’t in years; make a joke. “-like CocoMelon.” He teased, startling nearly as much as Isagi when his brain caught up with itself.

“Wha- holy shit, you can actually make jokes? I thought that all of the kicks to the head you’ve taken by Shidou might’ve fried the ’humor-department’ in your brain!?” Isagi gasped, feigning utter shock and disbelief for a few moments before snickering and screeching when an empty soda can was thrown at his head. “Ow! Hey! What, you can make jokes and I can’t?” He huffed and Rin hated the way the whole situation flustered him to the point of having to turn his head away and feign annoyance when, in reality, he was just too overwhelmed to come up with a good enough retort. “Heh, anyways… that was fun! I still think I’m not a horror kind of guy, but I’m starting to see why you’d enjoy it.” Isagi hummed out cheerfully and he just knew that his rival was all too aware of how tongue-twisted and flustered Rin was still feeling when he begrudgingly turned back to face him but didn’t offer a response. “Well, as nice as this was, it’s really late now and I think I should probably head back to my hotel for the night… but I’ll be back sometime tomorrow morning- if that’s okay with you, that is?” He asked and, if it weren’t for the sincerity shining in his deep-blue eyes, Rin might’ve thought that the consideration he was showing was just an extended part of the tease from earlier.

“…yeah, sounds good.” Rin grumbled begrudgingly, feeling that Isagi’s sharp, observant eyes could somehow peer directly into his heart and see the way it rushed with warmth at the confirmation that his friend—no, not friend! That his- his rival would still be around to amuse him tomorrow. “G’night…” he mumbled shortly, his voice even quieter than the first time when Isagi bid him goodnight and goodbye before standing up, stretching, and walking out the door with one last wave, leaving Rin alone with only Sae’s silent company as usual… except he wasn’t actually silent this time around; he was… snoring?

Before anything else, Rin couldn’t help but lament on the fact that Sae snored in his sleep—since when had that been a thing? He couldn’t remember Sae having snored when they were children? “Noisy bastard…” he huffed, rolling his eyes but stopping himself dead in his tracks when he realized the gesture had been done with not only genuine annoyance, but also… endearment?

What. The. Fuck!?

No… no, this was getting out of hand at this point; maybe Sae’s plan from the get go had been to silently hover around until Rin’s child-like, undisciplined heart inevitably started to cave and subconsciously long for his presence again, promptly setting Rin down the path of once more chasing after his shadow? If that was the case then, unless Rin wanted to become reaccustomed to lonely, painful nights of unreciprocated yearning and admiration, he would have to shut this down for good now.

Scowling at Sae’s annoying peaceful-looking, sleeping figure, Rin opened his mouth, bracing himself to not only wake Sae up and kick him out, but permanently banish him from the room and firmly draw boundaries to prevent any kind of contact ever again like he should have from the very first moment he’d woken up.

…

…

…

He should have done those things from the very moment he’d woken up, just as he should have screamed and kicked Sae out without so much as a second thought… but, as his weak, foolish heart took in the sight of how innocently peaceful and soft Sae looked as he slept—despite knowing how opposite of the truth that illusion was—he just couldn’t bring himself to do it…

Rin just couldn't bring himself to make Sae leave; he couldn’t bring himself to be alone again.

Chapter Text

Sae grumbled tiredly as he blinked his eyes open a few times and attempted to force them to focus; he had slept like shit… his ‘dreams’—nightmares—had consisted of everything from Rin’s lifeless, soulless corpse slowly drifting away from him in a sea of never-ending darkness while he was powerless to catch up—that one had to have been Sae’s most abstract, disturbing one to date—Rin waking up as a brain-dead vegetable and spending the rest of his life chained to a hospital bed—also horrible and disturbing, albeit a little less—and Rin laughing happily as he declared Isagi as his ‘brand-new Ni-Chan’—not so much disturbing as it was heartbreaking and agitating.

He yawned and stretched his sore, aching muscles a few times before forcing himself to stand, wholly unprepared for the way his right-hip snagged painfully on the corner of something hard when he took a mindless step forward. “What the f-“ he began to curse, but the sight he was met with paired with the realization of where he was stopped him dead in his tracks. “Rin…?” He couldn’t stop himself from exhaling out with disbelief, halfway-convinced that the sight of Rin’s peaceful-looking, sleeping figure resting on the bed was some sort of desperate hallucation his brain had conjured up as a means to save him from the heartbreak… But, after a sharp, aching pain shot through his hip from where it had been struck, he came to the shocking, startling realization that this was reality and ,for whatever strange, miraculous reason, Rin hadn’t screamed at nor kicked Sae out of his room last night?

Suddenly, Sae felt wide-awake; his heart began to race and he practically froze on the spot, afraid that any sudden noise or movement might wake up Rin and dash the murky, barely-visible flicker of hope that ignited in Sae’s chest the more time he took to recall last night's events: Isagi had come to visit—something Sae had initially been very put off by and jealous of, but was now coming to realize had been a blessing in disguise—and, for whatever reason, his presence had triggered a chain of events that Sae realized had actually fallen somewhat in his favor? First of all, Rin hadn’t immediately kicked him out—a massive, almost unbelievable accomplishment given how much of a spectacular failure his previous attempts had been—second, Rin had actually entertained a few brief but surprisingly casual conversations with Sae—granted he wasn’t necessarily happy about them, but he hadn’t screamed—and, lastly, Rin looked like he had been on the verge of at least considering it when Sae desperately requested that he spare a little bit of time for them to talk and to finally give him the opportunity explain himself properly… and- yeah, it’s not like he could be certain that Rin’s eventual answer would have been a ‘yes’ if they hadn’t been interrupted—that bastard Isagi and his penchant for timing!—but if there was even the slimiest of chances that all of his efforts were slowly but surely amounting to something, he would count it as a victory—if only a temporary one.

Unfortunately for Sae, the newfound sense of hope he’d acquired had pierced through the hazy, numbing blanket of ‘I don’t give a fuck about my physical needs’ and practically slapped him in the face with all of the concentrated pain, stiffness, and overall discomfort that he’d been bottling up these past six days; he was hungry, tired, thirsty and, worst of all, the germaphobic, compulsively-obsessed with cleanliness aspect of his personally decided to wake up from its nearly week-long dormancy and demand that Sae take a godamn shower to wash the filth off of his body.

As he stood their as frozen as a statue, Sae came to something of a stalemate with himself; see, he wanted to take a shower and finally rid himself of the ungodly amount of filth he’d accumulated his this undoubtedly germ-ridden hospital—not that it wasn’t a nice hospital, but they were all inherently dirty given their purpose—but he was also hesitant to leave Rin’s side.

He wasn’t sure why or how Rin had allowed him to stay last night, but he didn’t want to take the opportunity for granted by leaving and possibly end up hurting or offending Rin’s gesture of peace—hopefully it was a gesture of peace—by disappearing before he even had the chance to wake up. “Dammit…” he grumbled, depart summoning all of his willpower to fight against the instinctive, DNA-coded urge to groom and clean himself… but, because Sae was evidently a complacent person, he ended up caving after around ten minutes of standing frozen on the spot.

“It’ll just be an hour…” he told himself as he sprinted top-speed out of the room, phone already in hand as he dialed a taxi. “It’s early, he probably won’t even wake up for another few hours… plenty of time.” Sae knew he was merely bargaining as a means of superficially quelling the anxiety and guilt he felt at having ultimately chosen his own selfish needs over what he perceived to be Rin’s peace offering, but he was goddamn desperate for a shower… and it’s not like his train of reasoning was devoid of any and all logic; from what he had observed, Rin usually didn’t wake up anywhere near this early and, taking into account the early-morning traffic and the time it would take Sae to get a taxi, get home, shower, and get all the way back, he should have more than enough time to reach Rin’s bedside long before he woke up.

As logic stood, Sae should be fine… but that didn’t mean he hadn’t rushed the taxi-driver, stumbled his way through his front-door, took the quickest, most brief—but also most relieving and satisfying—shower of his entire life before calling another taxi, rushing and bribing that driver as well, and practically sprinting full professional football-player-speed back up to Rin’s room… but, as it turned out, logic was an untrustworthy, deceiving little bitch, because when he finally did stumble through the cracked opened door, the sight of a very-much awake and alert Rin was what greeted him. “Oh.” He gasped out dumbly, going as still and fearful as a deer in headlights as he held his breath and imagined what kind of angry, heartbreaking things Rin would spit at him before kicking him out.

Why had he thought that relying on his flimsy strand of reasoning and logic was a good idea? With hindsight, Sae could easily pinpoint a countless amount of holes and flaws in the rationality he’d so desperately trusted less than an hour ago… but he supposed ‘hindsight is 20/20’ was a saying that existed for a reason and, due to his stupidity and complacency, Sae would now suffer the consequence of having taking the one and only reprieve Rin had offered in his attacks for granted; he would be banished permanently.

Summoning every ounce of willpower that had somehow miraculously survived the strain and torment of this past week, Sae used everything in his arsenal to attempt at willing for the tears and burning pain that twisted in his heart to at least hold off until the actual thing was said and done with… but said ‘willpower’ turned out to be a flimsily-crafted, sorry-emulation of what one would consider ‘resolve’ that was not at all aided by Sae’s panicked, spiraling mind that had decided to take that very moment to completely screw him over with a slew of anxiety-ridden, pessimistic thoughts.

His fingertips trembled and his eyes began to water as he stood there—very much still under Rin’s scrutiny, mind you—and struggled to come to terms with that fact that it was over; any and all trust or ‘credit’ that Sae might’ve so-painstakingly built up between him and Rin was undoubtedly long-dead by now… meaning that his time was up; Sae hadn’t managed to apologize in time and now he would suffer the consequences of going the rest of his miserable, guilt-ridden life with the knowledge that his little brother had survived but wanted absolutely nothing to do with him… and, when Rin inevitably began screaming and cursing him out in just a few moments, Sae’s eternally-regretful fate would be sealed forever.

…

…

…

Except… Rin didn’t?

Still refusing to let go of the breath he’d been holding, Sae blinked a few times before slowly letting his eyes rove over Rin’s face and what he found was… nothing?—well, not nothing; he still scoffed and glared coldly when they initially made eye-contact, but rather than delve into a fit of incoherent, rageful shouts and accusations, Rin simply turned his attention back to the TV on the wall that Sae had only now realized at been on since the moment he’d entered the room.

Was Sae… not going to get yelled at and kicked out? It didn’t look like he would, but there was really no telling of Rin’s true mood nor intentions until he actively attempted to do something aside from standing there frozen like and idiot… so, with a shallow, shaky exhale, Sae took a cautious step towards the furthest chair from Rin’s bed, freezing nearly jumping out of his skin when that same icy glare from earlier burned a hole into him, but ultimately finding the courage to continue on when it eventually lessened and turned back towards the TV… and, after what Sae would say was the most stressful five seconds of his entire life, he had miraculously managed to sit himself down in the chair he’d been aiming at without getting screamed at, kicked out, or just plain attacked—Rin hadn’t ever physically attacked him before on account of his broken ribs and limited mobility, but Sae felt that he would’ve had he he’d the strength and opportunity; at least, he would have a few days ago… but really Sae couldn't make such bold assumption like that anymore when taking this new, confusion behavior into account for his calculations.

Slowly but surely, the longer Sae sat there without getting screamed at, the more his racing, jittery heart began to relax and settle back down. He didn’t understand this turn of events nor did he understand the reason Rin’s tolerance for his presence seemed to have tripled overnight, but he was not about to question it if it meant he could be graced with the privilege of sitting down in the room with his little brother.

With all the confidence of his freshly post-Spain self—so virtually nothing—Sae just barely mustered up enough courage to nervously glance up towards Rin, nearly flinching back when his little brother’s gaze immediately snapped back to meet him with a cold, but surprisingly even look. “Rin…” he exhaled out quietly, quickly snapping his mouth shut when Rin’s eyes flared with contempt and agitation, only relaxing once an adequate amount of silence passed where Sae didn’t make any attempts at speaking.

He fidgeted a little bit as he settled back down in his chair and forced himself to turn his attention towards the TV in an attempt to mask his blatant contemplation; so, from what Sae had just now come to understand, Rin had apparently developed a tolerance for his physical presence, but would still snap if he tried to speak without actively being called upon… something that was still a little heartbreaking and frustrating, but Sae could not and would not complain about such evident progress.

Sae was actually on the verge of feeling something like satisfaction and accomplishment—a stark contrast from the anguish and heartbreak that had been plaguing him this past week—but—because it couldn’t ever just be that easy—his momentary sense of almost-peace was immediately interrupted when the sight of Isagi happily striding into the room offended his eyes a mere few minutes after he’d sat down.

“Hi, Rin! Hi, Sae!” He greeted cheerfully, effortlessly striding in and plopping himself down on the chair closest to Rin’s bedside before leaning over infuriatingly close to him and turning his attention towards the TV. “Oh? You're actually watching TV?” He hummed innocently as he moved to rest a hand on Rin’s shoulder, completely unaware of the way his every move and action drove Sae absolutely insane with frustration and jealousy. “What- you’re watching another horror-movie? So early in the morning?”

“Yeah, why? Can you not handle it?” Rin hummed out lazily and Sae did not miss the way he almost instinctively moved closer towards the hand resting on his shoulder. “Y’know, if you really do want me to put on CocoMelon for you, I can- mph.” He began and Sae was absolutely reeling at the sight of Rin actively teasing, but that barely held a candle to the shock and disbelief he felt when Isagi playfully brought a hand up to cover his mouth without getting slapped away or yelled at.

“Alright, alright… I’m starting to think that the cold, unimpressed version of you that didn’t know how to make jokes was better.” Isagi huffed, grinning sheepishly when his hand was finally smacked out of the way. “My bad.” He apologized, but it didn’t sound like he was actually apologetic in the slightest… and, meanwhile, Sae felt like, the longer he watched the two of them interact, the more insane he went—seriously, it felt like Rin and Isagi had miraculously grown even closer in the few hours they’d been hanging out.

The rest of Sae’s day consisted of bitterly watching Isagi and his little brother bond and banter with each other right in from of him, and he couldn’t figure out which was worse; the sorrowful, heartbreak aspect of the whole situation, or the jealousy-induced, agitation that came with Isagi having shown up…

But, regardless of the pain and boredom that came with barely being able to speak, Sae would be lying if he said that a small, but very-real spark of hope ignited in his chest; hope that, if Rin could grow to tolerate his presence, he would eventually grant Sae the opportunity to talk to him…

To finally make things right.

Chapter Text

Even though Rin would never admit it aloud verbally, he was legitimately devastated to realize that today would be Isagi’s last day visiting him before heading back to Bluelock and leaving him alone again to the prison-like confines of his own mind—well, and with Sae, but he didn’t exactly count as company… more like an annoying, insistent pest that refused to leave. “What time are you gonna be leaving later…?” Rin asked, hoping that his voice actually wasn’t as desperate and whiny as it sounded to his own ears.

“Hm, I dunno? Not until later tonight so maybe… 7:00pm?” Isagi shrugged, giving Rin an apologetic, understanding smile when he visibly slumped a little. “Don’t worry, Rin… you’ll be better soon and you’ll be scoring circles around the rest of us in no time, just watch.” He assured and, this time, Rin didn’t fight it when Isagi reached for his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.

It was a comforting notion that Isagi was so confident in his ability to recover and jump right back into football like none of this happened, but it still stabbed at his heart to know that, in a matter of a few hours, Rin would be left alone with nobody but Sae’s infuriating ‘company’ to keep him entertained… But, oh well; as sad and reluctant as he was to watch his new friend go—and yes, Rin was finally willing to admit to the fact that he considered Isagi a friend—he was quite content and satisfied to realize that Isagi’s brief visit had lifted his spirits in general.

He still felt empty, numb, and borderline-psychotic at times, but Isagi’s persistent attempts to making Rin laugh, engage in conversation and casual touches, and participate in hobbies that he’d previously abandoned had done wonders to cheer him up and add a little bit of much needed color and passion back into his life… and, besides, it’s not like Isagi was gone yet; Rin still had a whole day to spend time with his friend before he had to leave. “Maybe we should watch a movie that you like, Isagi?” He offered, rolling his eyes when Isagi feigned shock and mock-disbelief.

“Making jokes and being nice to me within the last 48-something hours alone?” Isagi gasped, laughing openly as he dodged a weak, half-hearted punch aimed at his arm. “Woah- woah!” He huffed, shaking his head before playfully snatching the remote out of Rin’s hand. “Maybe I should put on CocoMelon to torture you as payback for making fun of me?” He mused, wiggling his eyebrows when Rin shot him a flat look and rolled his eyes again.

“You realize that if you put on something shitty you’ll have to sit here and watch it with me too, right?” He countered flatly, convinced that Isagi wouldn’t put on something so brain-numbing and childishly simply as a means of getting back at him… but that didn’t mean that he didn’t hold his breath when the TV hovered teasingly around the ‘young kids’ shows’ section a little to long for comfort.

“Technically I could put it on, steal the remote, and leave the room.., you’re the one who’s bed-ridden, not me.” He smirked teasingly, whining when Rin jerked forward to snatch the remote from him before he could pick something stupid.

“I’m not bed-ridden, idiot… you realize I’ve been getting up to use the bathroom and freshen up, right?” He rolled his eyes before purposefully picking a movie that he was certain would freak Isagi out; The Grudge—a bit old and outdated, but more than enough to put a coward like Isagi on edge. “I can technically walk around if I wanted to… it’s just that I can’t get very far yet before my ribs start to hurt..” He explained, not sure why he was taking the time to have such a trivial conversation with Isagi over something so stupid, but the guy just had a way of making Rin open up to him.

Predictably, Isagi had jumped and winced at almost every single jumpscare the movie had to offer and, after that, Rin had even let him pick a movie of his own—some fantasy-animated movie that was actually fairly interesting given the fact that Rin wasn’t big on the genre. “That… wasn't awful.” He admitted begrudgingly when the credits rolled and Isagi turned to give him an enthusiastic, expectant look of questioning.

“So you actually do have a soul under all those layers of rudeness?” Isagi mused lazily, unfortunately predicting the wide, back-handed punch aimed at his chest and scrambling back before it could even make contact. “Y’know, whacking me isn’t doing much to help your case.” He explained, his voice frustratingly flat and chiding… but, his tone along with his expression quickly softened when he checked his phone and gave Rin an apologetic, sad look. “Ah- it’s almost seven…” he breathed out quietly; undoubtedly noticing the way Rin’s entire body immediately slumped and his eyes went downcast. “I wish I didn’t have to leave so soon… I would’ve come sooner if I’d known what hospital you were in earlier.” He frowned, his eyes flickering with something like guilt and regret… but Rin took the opportunity to lighten the mood in hopes of cheering up the both of them.

“You never did tell me how you found out where I lived.” He grumbled, shooting Isagi a suspicious glare that had no real bite. “Were you stalking me or something?” He huffed, rolling his eyes when Isagi’s expression once again turned sheepish and avoidant. “I’ll take that as a yes…” he sighed, regretting the way his heart still weighed heavily despite his pathetic attempt at lightening the mood—well, it’s not like he had much practice at doing it anyways.

Sensing how obviously distraught he was, Isagi sighed, shook his head, and did something Rin hadn’t been expecting but also didn’t protest against when it happened; Isagi leaned over and hugged him. “I’m sorry that I have to go…” he apologized, pulling back and giving Rin a sincere look. “But I swear I’ll make sure to text you as often as I can.” He promised earnestly before his expression twisted into one of mild discomfort when he quickly rushed to add something else. “But- uhm… maybe delete that last text you sent to me?” He offered with an awkward yet obviously sad smile. “You’re getting better now so no need for last words, right?” He hummed, grinning broadly when Rin nodded almost immediately. “Good… so- uhm, I guess I should get going now?” He sighed, clearly just as reluctant to leave as Rin felt… but he knew it was about time; Isagi had already done him a massive kindness by taking the the time to visit and cheer him up in the first place, so the last thing Rin wanted was to possibly put his timely-arrival to Bluelock at stake.

“Yeah, you should… you’ll need all the head start you can get if you want to have a chance at catching up to me.” He smirked fiercely, the weight on his heart momentarily offering him reprieve when Isagi’s deep-blue eyes flared back with just as much passion at the challenge. “Count my time in the hospital as a mercy… because the second I’m healthy and ready to go, I’ll crush you into the dirt.” He hissed, a flare of competitiveness roaring to life in his chest and, this time, the way the waves towered and thrashed him around didn’t feel scary or dangerous, but rather… exciting; he was itching to get back on the field if it meant he could once again compete with his rival.

“A mercy?” He repeated, his eyes narrowing sharply as a wolfish grin stretched across his face. “Hah, whatever… you’ll regret it because, when you come back, you can count on me already being ten times better than the last time we played together.” He promised and, despite the heavy, competitive tension crackling between them, Rin couldn’t help but momentarily drop his threatening, serious mask to crack a smile before quickly devolving into an unserious fit of snickers that Isagi quickly reciprocated. “All right, Rin…” he sighed, wiping the laughter-induced water that had gathered in his eyes before reaching forward to rest a hand on his… head?—Isagi was fairly touchy, but he’d never once touched his head before? “I’ll see you later, okay?” He hummed, tilting his head to the side playfully before ruffling Rin’s hair in a way that had him at a complete loss for words for a few seconds and, in that moment, Rin couldn’t help but lament on how… brotherly Isagi looked.

He hated the way his heart and mind instinctively thought back to the way Sae used to ruffle his hair affectionately when they were children… but it was a brief, passing memory that was quickly replaced by the warmth, mild-embarrassment, and disbelief that someone was actually displaying a gesture of such love and what felt like brotherly-affection towards him—he’d honestly been convinced that he would never be in the receiving end of such treatment ever again. “I- I…” he stuttered out, horrified at the way his heart leapt with a sudden rush of admiration and endearment for Isagi in turn—seriously, the curse of being a little brother was a real pain; Rin was way too susceptible to latching onto people and admiring them… though, this time, he felt that might not be a bad thing. “Whatever…” he eventually huffed, turning his head away in a pathetic attempt at hiding the blush that crept up his cheeks, but he had the mortifying feeling that Isagi knew exactly what was going through his mind. “Just- I’ll see you later, too…” he eventually stuttered out dumbly, hating the way his heart refused to slap Isagi’s hand away from his head. “You better hurry up and go before I change my mind about giving you a head start…” he grumbled and, this time when Isagi chuckled and ruffled his hair again, Rin huffed and slapped it away. “Bastard!” He hissed, scowling deeply when Isagi smirked, avoided the whack aimed at his head, and stumbled towards the door, turning back to give Rin and Sae one last wave and goodbye—why’d he wave to Sae? It’s not like he deserved a goodbye. “Bye, Isagi…” he grumbled, but only long after he’d gone and, as the room was once again enveloped in a thick, lonely silence, Rin sighed and let his head fall back onto the pillow as his eyelids fluttered shut.

Once again, he was alone… well, except for the fact that the little pest that was Itoshi Sae still insisted on occupying the chair five feet away from his bed and had sat there like a creep while listening to his and Isagi’s entire bid farewell in utter silence—not that Rin would have allowed him to speak anyways, but still.

Now that he no longer had Isagi to keep him company and preoccupied, Rin was left alone to confront the troubling dilemma that had been plaguing him since the very first movie night; Sae wanted to talk to him.

Maybe it was simply the newfound sting of loneliness and isolation that came with his only source of comfort leaving him alone to the mind-numbing, prison-like confines of this hospital, but Rin’s sorrowful, aching heart had almost immediately begun to crave the affection and enjoyment that came with having someone care about him again… and maybe that’s why he hadn’t kicked Sae out yet and was still considering actually entertaining a conversation; maybe because a small, reluctant part of him wanted Sae’s comfort and presence, wanted to innocently hope that whatever it was Sae wanted to speak to him about would mend their long-broken bond and offer him reprieve from the exhaustion of having to keep himself afloat and on guard at all times…

But Rin was scared; scared that such a beautiful, wishful dream was nothing but a side-effect of the desperate, aching loneliness that plagued him. As exhausted and detached as Rin felt with the majority of what went on around him these days, he would be an absolute idiot to not see it; the pain, desperation, and equally weary exhaustion that visibly weighed down on Sae’s entire being anytime he risked sneaking a glance… but, at the end of the day, every single reason or observation that might compel Rin to give Sae the chance to speak could be nothing but his mind’s way of grasping for straws; wishful thinking, essentially.

…

Rin just didn’t think he was willing to risk having his heart broken again.

Chapter Text

Sae could sense the shift in Rin’s demeanor and attitude towards him, and it wasn’t a good one; for a little while, Sae had foolishly allowed himself to hope that Rin’s newfound reluctance to scream and curse him out of the room was a sign of things slowly but surely bettering between them—or, not so much bettering as much as cooling down—but it was obvious that this naively hopeful belief was nothing but Sae desperately reaching for straws as a pathetic, superficial means to quell his own shattered, aching heart.

As much as it tore and twisted at Sae’s very being to see Isagi ruffling his little brothers hair and making him laugh, he had to admit that his presence had actually been of great aid to Sae’s mission for reconciliation; while Isagi had been there, Rin had been more relaxed, easygoing, and less prickly…meaning Sae had been able to slowly creep closer to his little brother and even earn himself a chair that he could sit in without getting cursed at… but it seemed that, along with Isagi’s departure, Rin’s tolerance for Sae’s presence had regressed drastically.

Three full days had passed since Isagi had left for Bluelock and Rin’s mood only soured with each hour that passed. He would glare more often, shoot Sae dirty, resentful looks, and just seemed to be reverting back to his pre-Isagi self in general… and, in turn, Sae was subjected to a level of anxiety at anticipation that he’d never once had the misfortune of experiencing before—not even in Spain, and that was saying a lot.

It had now been nearly one-and-half weeks since Rin had been admitted into the hospital and, thanks to Dr.Takashi’s frequent visits paired in with Sae’s recently bestowed room privileges, he was painfully aware of the fact that, in a matter of four days, Rin would be released and Sae would lose this opportunity to apologize and reconcile with his brother forever—well, maybe not forever, but a very long time—and he had no idea what to do about it.

Sae had tried to engage Rin in conversation a few times, but if the cold, bitter glare he received in return was any sort of indicator, his little brother still refused to listen to what he had to say… and Sae was too scared of potentially having his room privileges taken away by overstepping too often, but that didn’t mean he could give up!

It was obvious that if he continued to sit around and dawdle without making any progress, Rin would eventually recover, head back to Bluelock, and have every reason to avoid and detach himself from him entirely… but, just when Sae had begun to lose all hope, a newfound opportunity presented itself—granted, not in the best of circumstances… but he would momentarily look past the heartbreak and anguish of the situation in hopes of making things better.

A psychiatrist came to examine Rin.

“Excuse me? Are you Itoshi Rin?” A gentle, oddly-soothing sounding voice called out to Rin from the door and Sae fought against the aching pain in his stiff neck to observe the newcomer; a women who looked to be around late-twenties or early-thirties with short, pink hair and soft eyes that sparkled greener than a rainforest on a bright, sunny day.

“Uhm… yes?” Rin answered reluctantly and when Sae turned to face him, he saw the confusion in his little brother’s gaze; he didn’t know who this woman was either. “Who are you?” He asked brashly, frowning and narrowing his eyes skeptically when the woman smiled and slowly pulled up a chair next to his bedside.

“My name is Dr.Suzuki… I’m not sure if Dr.Takashi informed you, but I will be the psychiatrist in charge of assessing your current mental well-being and determining if you will need further psychiatric attention before being discharged.” She explained, her voice the dictionary definition of put-together and professional… but, despite her soothing tone and outwardly calm demeanor, Sae could practically feel the way the atmosphere surrounding them all weighed heavy and suffocating at the reminder of why they were all here in the first place; Rin had tried to kill himself.

Maybe it was due to some kind of emotional-self-defense mechanism, but Sae had been in a somewhat-state of denial this past week-and-a-half; denial that his little brother had indeed tried to kill himself and was very much suicidal—don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he forgot or anything like that… but he’d focused so much mental energy on the whole ‘fixing’ and ‘reconciliation’ part of the situation that he’d momentarily saved himself from the heartbreak of having to constantly confront the fact that he was the reason Rin had tried to kill himself.

Oh fuck… Rin had tried to kill himself.

Sae didn’t understand the way his mind began to reel and his stomach began to clench with nausea and discomfort considering that this was not new information, but the sensation that gripped at his heart was absolutely sickening—funny, he’d almost forgotten what heart-shattering, mind-numbing guilt felt like.

It wasn’t even just the novelty of Rin’s actual, physical attempt—not that that frigid darkness paired with the haunting sound of waves churning and crashing wouldn’t haunt Sae’s nightmares for the rest of eternity—but more so the reminder of what that meant; the level of sheer anguish and sorrow that one had to be suffering through to not only be suicidal but also actually act with intent to kill themselves—and by drowning, no less—was almost incomprehensible to someone who’d never once experienced depression—not saying that Sae understood what it meant to be suicidal just because he’d experienced depression, but it simply the closest comparison he could make on account of suicidal thoughts being so incomparable and inexplicable to any other.

“Oh.” Rin breathed out simply, his own expression twisting with discomfort and displeasure as he was undoubtedly slapped in the face with the reminder of his current mental-condition. “Okay.” Rin nodded simply, but his shoulders slumped and his whole expression seemed to crumble right before Sae’s eyes.

“And you must be his older brother, Itoshi Sae, am I correct?” Dr.Suzuki addressed him suddenly, startling Sae out of his agonizing, guilt-induced stupor.

“Huh-?” He breathed out dumbly, blinking a few times and willing his slow, dazed mind to catch up with the situation. “Oh- uhm…” he hesitated, averting his gaze nervously as he was once again confronted with a vicious sense of imposter-syndrome that screamed and protested when he verbally referred to himself as Rin’s older brother. “Yes…” he nodded after an embarrassingly long pause, internally cringing when he caught sight of Rin’s scoff in his peripherals.

“I’m afraid that, before performing his wellness check, you may have to leave the room if it is the patient's preference.” She explained straightforwardly, turning her attention back to Rin before giving him a pointed look. “Would you feel more comfortable if it were just the two of us, or would you prefer for your brother to stay?” She asked, tilting her head to the side and giving Rin a calm, encouraging smile when his brows furrowed.

Sighing and silently cursing as he already stood up and prepared himself to leave, Sae was baffled to hear the words he’d been so desperately wishing to hear for almost two weeks now. “…he can stay.” He heard Rin grumble—albeit begrudgingly—and Sae nearly lost his balance and tipped over with pure shock and disbelief before he was able to shakily settle himself back down on the chair.

“Alright, then…” Dr.Suzuki nodded, trailing off and marking something on her clipboard before turning back to Sae and giving him a stern, warning look. “You've been permitted to stay, but keep in mind that you are not allowed to interrupt or speak on behalf of your brother while his wellness check is in session.” She explained and Sae nodded dumbly, only half-way listening to her words as he was still dumbfounded by the fact Rin explicitly wanted him to stay. “Okay…” she began again, her expression once again softening when she turned back to Rin. “I’m just going to ask you a few questions and I’d like for you to answer to the best of your abilities.” She hummed, her voice purposefully light and unthreatening… but it didn’t seem to be having much of the intended effect on Rin who looked to be wildly uncomfortable with the entire situation, but still nodded regardless. “Alright, tell me… during the past few weeks, have you been thinking about killing yourself? If your answer is yes, then please try your best to describe to me how often you feel this kind of thought comes to mind.” She began and Sae already felt like he was on the verge of throwing up when Rin hesitated—hesitation meant he had to think about it, and thinking about it meant that the answer was simply ‘no’—but, his seemingly honest, unfiltered answer made it so much worse.

“Yes… but, I- I wasn’t really actively thinking about it. It was kind of just… in the back of my mind for a while, I guess. ” He explained quietly with a stiff shrug that spoke volumes of his discomfort, his voice barely above a whisper that Sae had to strain himself to hear… but, when he did, he felt his heart throb and ache with a sorrow and guilt so intense he had to physically clutch his stomach to stop it from churning.

It’s not like it was uncommon for people who attempted to commit suicide to still harbor such urges and desires after surviving an attempt, but physically hearing and seeing his little brother admit to such a thing was beyond disturbing… but, as Sae had so fearfully predicted, it would only get worse from there on out.

“You say that the thoughts weren’t ‘active’?” She repeated, humming and jotting something down on her clipboard when Rin nodded silently. “If you can, could you explain to me if you felt that there was a specific moment or occurrence where these thoughts did become ‘active’ or intentional?” She asked and Sae felt a weight of pure, anxiety-ridden dread sink down into his stomach like a stone; he didn’t even need to hear Rin’s responses to know the answer they were both painfully aware of; Sae triggered him… Sae pushed Rin into wanting to take his own life.

“I just…” Rin began before almost immediately trailing off, taking an uncomfortable amount of time to find the right words to answer. “I just had a bad week.” Was what he eventually came up with but both he and Sae knew what that translated into: ‘My older brother hurt me so badly that I wanted to end my life.’

It was almost imperceivable to anyone who wasn’t extremely attuned to reading facial expressions and intentions, but Sae caught the way Dr.Suzuki’s eyes flashed with something like disbelief… but it was gone before Rin could notice and she simply hummed before continuing to write down notes on her clipboard. “Are you having any current thoughts or intentions of attempting to commit suicide again?” She asked and, this time, Sae couldn’t help himself from visibly shuddering as he squeezed his eyes shut and desperately prayed, wished, manifested—whatever the fuck the term for what he was doing right now was—that Rin’s answer was a solid, unwavering ‘no’… but relying on cosmic or divine intervention was nothing but a fools way of living in denial—or at least, that’s what Sae currently thought of the lifestyle seeing as it almost never seemed to work for him… and today was no exception.

“I- I…” Rin stuttered out nervously, his face  deathly pale and his eyes sparkling with unshed tears as if the question caused him actual physical pain—maybe it did? It sure as hell caused Sae a lot of physical pain just to see his little brother struggling with such an awful question; he could only imagine how scared and confused Rin must be feeling right now. “I’m not- I don’t want to kill myself-” he began, his initial statement doing wonders to lift the stinging weight off of Sae’s heart… but his next few words dashed that reprieve in a matter of seconds. “But- I… when I think about it, I- I don’t know if I could promise that I’d never try to do it again.” He answered timidly and Sae felt the bitter, painful grip that guilt had on his heart loosen for a few moments, quickly replaced by the much-worse clutch of fear.

Sae was an idiot; he had so foolishly assumed that, since Rin was now in the hospital, recovering, and was confirmed to have no long-term physical or mental damage, that everything would only get better from there on out… he never once imagined that Rin would even consider trying to do it again.

What if Sae did eventually manage to apologize and reconcile with Rin but things were already too late? What if the emotional and physiological pain he’d inflicted on his little brother had scarred him for life? What if—despite the fact that Rin would be perfectly fine physically—he never recovered from his depression or suicidal urges?

What if Sae really did end up losing his little brother to death forever?

“Have you ever actively planned out how you would kill yourself-” She began and Sae was starting to get irritable—seriously, was this really necessary? Rin looked like he was on the verge of tears! “-and, if you have, do you have access to the method of choice?”

Sae was certain that Rin would nervously stutter through another painfully uncertain answer, but he was both relieved and startled when Rin answered with a surprisingly confident, “No.” paired with a shake of the head. “When I tried last time, I- I knew what I was doing but at the same time, I just… it felt like I was detached from my own body.” He explained with a weak shrug and Sae could hear the flat earnestly in his tone and expression.

“Dr.Takashi explained to me that you attempted to commit by drowning, correct?” She hummed, her voice annoyingly detached and calm as if she were speaking about what Rin had had for lunch—or maybe Sae just really hated professionalism when the topic happened to be his little brother’s life. “Alright…” she hummed, once again scratching her pencil over the clipboard paper in a way that was starting to get frustrating. “Tell me, do you usually have the means of reaching a body of water on your own?” Seriously? It felt like this woman was just spouting nonsense at this point.

“Uhm… yes?” Rin frowned, his eyes narrowing with confusion. “I- my house is a thirty minute walk away from the ocean.” He admitted and, at the reminder, Sae nearly dry heaved; how would he ever manage to rest easy knowing that death was a thirty minute walk away from Rin’s house—the house he lived in alone, mind you; nobody was there to watch him!

With that, Dr.Suzuki’s green eyes noticeably flashed with something, but Sae was way too dazed and panicked to even begin to decipher or decode its meaning. “Alright, now… have you ever engaged in any sort of self-harm? Whether it be physical or mental… have you ever purposefully engaged in an activity solely to cause yourself harm or pain?” She asked and, this time, despite his brain’s protest to cooperate, Sae suddenly perked up, his eyes and mind sharpening as he listened for Rin’s answer.

Sae had been convinced that Rin had been cutting himself but it had become painfully obvious that the conclusion had been a misinterpretation on his part… but still, he was almost certain that Rin had been doing something to himself in the bathroom, and now was finally the opportunity to learn the truth.

This time, Rin stayed silent for a few moments and Sae had almost been convinced that his little brother simply wouldn’t answer or would choose to withhold the truth… but, when he did finally speak, Sae felt like an absolute idiot for not having connected the dots the first time around. “I- uhm… sometimes when I was feeling extra sad-“ AKA whenever Sae would torment him “-I would… sometimes I’d draw myself a bath and- and I’d dunk my head under the water to feel the way my lungs burned and hurt after a while.” He explained with a drawn-out, weary sigh that shattered Sae’s heart into a million pieces; no one should ever look as exhausted as his little brother did right now—no one healthy, at least.

It was almost poetic; Rin’s method of self-harm had been directly tied into the same way he’d attempted suicide? How the fuck had Sae not put those two together? He didn’t give a fuck if ‘hindsight was 20/20’… his normal sight and basic deduction skills should have been enough to have figured it out without external assistance! “Rin…” he breathed out inaudibly, unable to stop himself when Rin’s eyes sparkled with tears that eventually pooled and traced down his cheeks.

Sensing Rin’s obvious discomfort and mental fragility, Dr.Suzuki at least had the common sense and decency to know when enough was enough. “Okay, I think that will be enough for now… I’m sorry if any of my questions hurt or offended you, but thank you for answering them all regardless.” She thanked, her eyes softening with sympathy when Rin sniffled and nodded. “I have to go over your results and consult with Dr.Takashi… I’ll leave you to process everything and talk with your brother.” She assured, turning to give Sae a look before thanking them both once last time and walking out the door, leaving Sae alone to the miserable, heart-breaking sight of his little brother crying and trembling.

Maybe it was the fact that Sae himself was feeling emotionally vulnerable and drained after forcing himself to watch his little brother explain the depths and tendencies of his own desire to self-harm and commit suicide, but seeing Rin trembling, crying, and looking painfully identical to the six year-old little-boy version of himself who would sob and snuggle up with Sae whenever he had a nightmare was the last straw.

Fueled and driven by nothing but his primal ‘big-brother instinct’ to protect and shield his younger sibling from harm and pain, Sae barely faltered in the way he stood up, marched right over to the bedside, and leaned over to wrap Rin’s shaking, sobbing figure into a tight, warm embrace that he desperately hoped would be accepted.

Sae didn't even have it in him so care that, by overstepping like this, he might be throwing away any chances he had of ever getting to properly apologize or reconcile… he just had to try; he had to do anything and everything in his power to make his little brother feel better right now by using any means possible, even if it came at the expense of his own agenda and wellbeing…

Sae owed his little brother this much, at the very least.

Chapter Text

From the moment he’d woken up, Rin had been aware of the fact that he’d tried to kill himself and failed, but something about being forced to verbalize and explain the depths of his pain and torment aloud had broken something within him; what had initially been a small, insignificant crack in the hull of his boat had continued to deteriorate and wear down until, before Rin knew it, he was sinking… sinking back down into the cold, cruel depths of the inky-black ocean.

He hadn’t been expecting to cry, and yet he found himself trembling, sobbing and in the verge of a mental breakdown by the time Dr.Suzuki had finally offered him the reprieve of leaving… but the damage had already been done; Rin’s already-weak, stuttering heart gripped and twisted with pain as the realization crashed over him with unparalleled force: he had almost killed himself; he had almost died.

He didn’t understand why the weight of that notion only seemed to weigh down on him now despite the fact that he’d been contemplating and turning the thought over in his mind for countless hours but, now that it had, Rin felt like he was suffocating; not metaphorically, either… he legitimately could not physically breath right now.

Rin felt like he was drowning all over again; like hadn’t ever really left the dark, murky depths of the ocean at all and was moments away from dying… except he didn’t want to die! Rin knew that he’d told Dr.Suzuki that he’d still contemplated the idea a few times while in the hospital and he hadn’t been lying or exaggerating, but he didn’t want that anymore! Rin didn’t want to drown and he didn’t want the last view of this world to be the utter darkness that surrounded him… he just wanted to breath; that’s all he’d ever wanted from the very start: to breathe… but he’d never been able to! That’s why he’d tried to kill himself, because he’d felt that the only way he’d be granted the reprieve required to take a breath would be to escape from the suffocating grip that his miserable life had on him!

Rin shook and trembled so violently that he had to bring his arms up to wrap himself in a self-hug, but it didn’t do anything to prevent or even lessen the way his chest tightened, mimicking the sensation of being suffocated to a horrifying degree. “N-no…” he gasped, his voice so strained and weak that it would be inaudible to anyone but him. “I don’t want to die…” he whispered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and shuddering as the sudden darkness brought back a slew of wildly unpleasant flashbacks to the night he’d tried to kill himself; rain, darkness, roaring thunder, frigid temperatures, all topped off with a sensation of utter hollowness… and he hated it.

To think Rin’s past self had so foolishly mistaken the feeling of being empty and numb for peace? No, the feeling that had gripped his very being that night and also at this very moment was not peace… it was darkness; pure, lightless darkness that swallowed and consumed every bright, happy thing in its path… and now, Rin himself would soon be consumed. As the very last reserves of breath were squeezed and stolen from his lungs, Rin would be eaten alive by the looming, threatening shadow that towered above him… Rin was going to die- “Gh.” He huffed out, his entire body going rigid with fear when something warm and soft bumped against the side of his head, and it took a few painfully still moments for Rin to understand that the ‘something’ wrapping around him was not the darkness coiling around him, but a pair of… arms? “Wha-“ he began, startling once again when a hand came up to softly rest of his head before fingers began to slowly cart through his hair in a shockingly soothing motion that felt painfully familiar.

“Shh, shh… it’s okay, Rin.” A gentle, endearing voice whispered to him. “Just relax… I’ve got you. It’s all going to be okay now, I promise.” It coaxed him and Rin had been moments away from closing his eyes and accepting the gesture of comfort wholeheartedly before something within his mind snapped into place like one would click a puzzle piece into his neighboring slots.

“S-Sae…?” Rin breathed out shakily, gasping and clutching at his chest with exhaustion—how was it possible that a singular word could drain so much energy out of him? “What are you…” he whined quietly, initially attempting to escape from the others grasp but eventually giving up when his entire body screamed with exhaustion and fatigue. “W-Why… why? Don’t- don’t touch me… why are you-“ his voice cracked and Rin regretted the way he instinctively leaned into it when the same hand from earlier began to massage and pet his head again. “Stop it!” He cried out weakly in protest, his heart aching painfully with the newfound addition of confusion and fear that jolted through him at Sae’s inexplicable behavior. “Let go! Let me go!” He pleaded desperately but, even as he did, he couldn’t fight the way his body shuddered and instinctively chased after Sae’s warmth.

“It’s okay, Rin.” Sae assured him gently, emphasizing his point by bringing his other hand up to rest and rub soothing circles against his upper-back… but Rin refused to give in.

“No it’s not!” He shrieked suddenly, harnessing the sudden burst of indignation and strength that coasted through him to double-down in his attempts to push Sae away from him. “W- why are you doing this to me!? Why can’t you just leave me alone! Why? Why are you suddenly trying to act like you care about me again!” Rin screamed in accusation, flailing with all of his strength but still falling short as Sae easily maneuvered and restrained him in a way that he couldn’t keep it up for very long before once again getting exhausted and being forced to settle back down.

“Because I do care about you, Rin… “ Sae began quietly, taking advantage of Rin’s exhaustion to cradle his cheeks and force them to look face-to-face, and his usually cold, detached turquoise eyes were incomprehensibly soft and genuine as he spoke. “Because I don’t want to see you in pain-“ he explained, but the words went in one ear and out the next as Rin’s heart panged with anguish and his chest once again gripped with the fear and confusion of the whole situation.

“You only want me for football!” Rin interrupted Sae before he could finish, his voice absolutely scalding and he regretted the way his tears and pinched expression undoubtedly diminished the resentful, bitter, rage gleaming behind his eyes. “You don’t care about me! N-no one cares about me!” He wailed, desperately trying to wiggling his face out of Sae’s firm hold, but it was a hopeless pursuit. “No one… no one cares about me, Sae!” He sobbed, squeezing his eyes shut tight as a pathetic means of lessening the pain—it didn’t work. “Mom and dad couldn’t even- they couldn’t even be bothered to visit me! I- my own fucking parents don’t love me and neither do you!” How could Rin’s own two parents not even love him enough to visit him post suicide-attempt!? “ Please- please just stop trying to pretend! Stop pretending that you care when all you want is to use me! Just stop!” He choked out with all the coherency of a strangled man—which he both felt and currently believed himself to be. “Just admit the truth already! Just admit that you don’t love me at all!” He was practically begging at this point, but it was all he could do; he was far too exhausted to continue fighting physically.

This is why he had refused to talk to Sae; this was why Rin had been extra spiteful of Sae’s presence during these past few days… because he was afraid; afraid of getting his heart ripped out and crushed right before his exhausted, pitifully-longing gaze identically to how it had during that night in the snow… but, because Rin had always been emotionally frail to an disgusting extent, he just couldn’t help but break down and present Sae the perfect opportunity to hurt him again-

“I love you, Rin.”

…

…

…

“W-what…?” He exhaled out weakly, his tear-distorted, burning eyes cracking open in hopes of understanding the situation visibly as he refused to trust in his ears’ capabilities to have heard or processed that right. “You- what are you talking about-“ Rin began again, startling when the hand Sae had resting on his upper-back shifted forward until it could wipe and dab at the tears that spilled from his eyes indefinitely as if they were sourced by the ocean itself.

“I said I love you, Rin.” Sae repeated simply and, when Rin scoured every single inch of his gaze and expression for mockery, torment, or just plain deception, he nearly physically recoiled when he found nothing but pure, earnest sincerity.

For a few long, still moments of his brain simply trying to process Sae’s words, Rin just sat there, frozen and unblinking as he searched Sae’s expression… but, when it finally caught up to him, Rin began to shake his head again. “N-no, no, no…” he protested, clutching pathetically at his chest above his heart when it squeezed so painfully tight he actually entertained the notion that he might be having a heart-attack. “No, no, no.” He repeated again blankly, desperately wishing he could escape from Sae; from everything. “Y-you… you’re a liar! You're lying! You- you don’t love me! Nobody loves me!” How ironic was it that the three simple words Rin had been chasing after for years were finally given to him and yet the only ‘rewards’ they offered were anguish, disbelief, and dread; dread as he was struck with the newfound realization that Sae had ditched the ‘patient and discrete’ method of fooling him and was now simply lying straight to his face.

He refused to believe that Sae’s words were true; they had to be some sort of game, some sort of ugly insult wearing the impossibly-cruel skin of genuine love and affection… but then why did Sae look so sincere? Why did his painfully-identical turquoise eyes shine and sparkle as he gazed down at Rin with an expression that rivaled his precious Ni-Chan’s face from before he left to Spain?

Rin didn’t know; Rin couldn’t breathe right now. “I- I…” he began, his breath catching in his throat as his chest began to hitch painfully. “I- you… I don’t believe you! I can’t- I can’t breathe…” he gasped desperately, his eyes going wide as he brought a hand up to claw at his throat, his untrained fingernails taking painfully against the soft, vulnerable tissue to the point of tearing and leaving bloody scratches across his skin. “I can’t- I don’t believe you- gh!” He gasped, whining and protesting when Sae pulled Rin close enough that he could hear the others heart-beat thumping against his ribcage. “I don’t-“

“That’s okay, Rin.” Sae whispered, gently shushing Rin when he began to protest again. “It’s okay… you don’t have to believe me.” He sighed, methodically massaging and carting his fingers through Rin’s hair as he did. “I don’t blame you and I’m not trying to convince you right now… but, for your own sake, please let me do this for you? Please… I don’t care if you resent me for overstepping by the time this is all over but, for now, please let me help you.” He pleaded weakly and Rin was taken aback to hear the way Sae’s heart-beat actually stuttered as he did. “Just… relax as best as you can, okay? Just- just tell me what hurts and I’ll listen. I won’t try and convince you of anything and I won’t say anything that’ll make you upset. This doesn’t have to mean anything and you don’t have to panic over trying to figure it out… just do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better, okay? Whatever you need, I’ll do it for you if you just say the word… I promise, Rin.” Sae promised softly, smiling encouragingly when Rin pulled back just enough to gaze deeply into his warm eyes.

Rin needed to breathe; he needed a break… one where he could shut off his brain and quiet his heart as he desperately flailed and scrambled his way back to the surface where he would take a much needed breath of fresh, reliving air that would dispel the burning ache in his lungs and throat… and, right now, as he was once again pulled forward to be cradled by Sae’s warm, sturdy arms, he found that he couldn’t deny the offer—he might physically die of suffocation if he did.

With a small, almost-imperceptible nod, Rin allowed his tensed, straining muscles to halt their protest…

He allowed Sae to hold him.

Chapter Text

Sae could’ve taken Rin’s desperate vulnerability as an opportunity to apologize and explain himself, but something about that felt wrong; Rin was panicking, barely coherent, and clearly desperate if he was allowing Sae to hold and comfort him… wouldn’t it be cheap and selfish of him to take advantage of his little brother’s misery for such a self-centered reason?

He was certain that, in his panicked, frantic-state of mind, Rin would be susceptible to almost anything if it were forced upon him with enough insistence… but Sae didn’t want that; he didn’t want his apology and their potential reconciliation to be rooted in yet another display of his selfish, unthoughtful cruelty. “Shh, Rin… it’s okay, you can cry.” He hushed his little brother lovingly and couldn’t help the small, selfish rush of satisfaction and accomplishment that came with Rin sniffling and hugging him back—despite the fact that Sae refused to force his apology upon Rin in such a vulnerable, fragile state, he still couldn’t help but feel relief that all of his efforts had finally lead him somewhere. “Just breathe, okay? Everything’s going to be okay… you just need to breathe and try your best to relax.” He explained softly, letting a small, encouraging smile stretch across his lips when Rin unburied his face from Sae’s shoulder to look up at him with panicked, fearful eyes.

“I- I can’t…” Rin whimpered weakly, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head in such a child-like, innocent way that Sae couldn’t help the way his heart clutched with both sorrow for his little brother’s obvious pain and satisfaction that he was finally being allowed to comfort him through it. “I’m… I can’t breathe- I can’t!” He cried out desperately and Sae’s eyes widened with panic when he realized Rin had brought his hands back up to his neck, clawing and scratching the sensitive surface in a way that cut skin and bled onto his fingernails. “I can’t! I can’t-“

“Wh- hold on! Please don’t do that, Rin!” Sae pleaded desperately, offering Rin a slightly-panicked smile that he hoped didn’t make his blatant fear too obvious as he brought his own shaky hands up to pry Rin’s fingers away from his agitated, bleeding neck. “I know it’s hard, Rin… but hurting yourself won’t make it any easier.” He tried to explain, chewing on his bottom lip nervously when the uncomprehending, fear-riddled look Rin’s wide, turquoise eyes desperately gazed at him with expressed his lack of acknowledgment. “Okay, I- how about this…” he began, taking utmost care to keep his voice as stable and patient as humanly possible—the last thing he needed was Rin freaking out because he thought Sae was annoyed with him. “I know you’re afraid right now, but can you try to take a few deep breaths?” He hummed out softly, bringing a hand up to cart gently through Rin’s tousled, unwashed hair when he looked to be on the verge of shaking his head again. “It’ll make some of the pain go away.” He promised, feeling the way his chest bloomed with warmth and his eyes sparkled with unshed tears when Rin’s exhausted, wobbly gaze caved and he nodded along to Sae’s suggestion.

Sae couldn’t even begin to process the pride and excitement that rooted itself in his heart when Rin took his advice, started to take deep, methodical breaths, and eventually seemed to be in the verge of calming down; his stiff muscles began to relax and his gaze seemed to rid itself of that panicked-edge from earlier… but, unfortunately, he still didn’t seem entirely coherent nor over his stupor—not that Sae could blame him; hearing Rin speak so candidly about the pain and suicidal-thoughts he’d been suffering through were nearly enough to send him into a panicked-spiral aswell, and that was still only second-hand pain. “I- I…” Rin began to stutter, his trembling body swaying slightly to the point that Sae had to physically steady him or risk the chance of him falling over. “It hurts so much…” he whined and, no matter how attentive and meticulous Sae was, he couldn’t ever seem to completely wipe away or rid his little brother of the never-ending tear tracks that stained his cheeks.

Sae swallowed hard, giving his best effort towards lessening the guilt-induced knot that had formed and tightened in his throat like a vice. “What hurts, Rin?” He asked out eventually, knowing that, whatever the answer may be, it would be yet another nail in the coffin that was Sae’s already beaten, broken heart… but sacrifices were worth making for the people you loved; especially if that person was his baby brother.

Sniffling and mindlessly nuzzling into the hand that Sae had brought up to cradle and caress his cheek—which, despite the regretful context of the situation was heart-achingly adorable—Rin’s expression twisted into one painfully similar to that of his pouty-face when he was young. “My heart…” he sniffled out quietly and, predictably, it felt like a merciless stab to Sae’s own heart, but he momentarily pushed past the pain to inquire even more—the more Rin opened up to him, the more Sae could do to help him feel better.

“…Why does your heart hurt?” He asked hesitantly, already dreading the answer seeing as he was the causation behind it to begin with. “Could you tell me more?” He coaxed out patiently, being ever-careful not to come off as forceful or judgemental as he did.

Instinctively moving forward and snuggling into the safety of Sae’s shoulder—seriously, if the pain and guilt didn’t send Sae to an earlier grave first, this unbearable innocent, child-like cuteness would first; which, all things considered, would not be the worst way to go—Rin took a few more deep, steadying breaths before answering… and it was just as heartbreaking as Sae had been so nervously anticipating. “I- I’m so tired and hurt and- and nobody even cares… nobody loves me! I- I just want somebody to love me… I’m just so tired of being alone!” He wailed and, despite his earlier resolve and promise, Sae was too late to stop himself from speaking out the words he’d been so achingly desperate to express to Rin in full.

“But I love you, Rin.” He whispered out instinctively, his heart sinking with dread and regret when Rin’s body stiffened against his before he pulled back just enough to give Sae a look of hurt and betrayal.

“Liar…”Rin hissed quietly, shaking his head and, if the scaling, resentful edge that flared in his little brothers identically-turquoise eyes and the way his chest began to heave with exertion and panic were anything to go off of, Sae had approximately three seconds to apologize for his slip up before getting shoved away and walled-off for good. “You said you wouldn’t-!”

“I’m sorry.” He rushed out, scrambling to explain himself when Rin’s eyes darkened even further—shit, he just realized how this could be misinterpreted as his way of sneaking in his main apology. “I mean- you’re right… you’re right, I did say that I wouldn’t try to convince you of anything and I’m sorry for letting that slip. I swear I won’t do it again.” He apologized earnestly, holding his breath when Rin seemed to regard him for a few moments before eventually burying his face back into Sae’s shoulder with a pitiful cry—that was close; Sae had almost messed up everything.

For a while, Rin fell silent—well, not silent… he still let out the occasionally sob or shudder every few seconds, but he wasn’t actively talking—and, despite the weight of the situation, Sae took a few satisfying moments to relish in the privilege if being allowed to hug and hold his little brother once again—when was the last time he’d hugged Rin? The last opportunity he might’ve had would have been the U-20 match or the night he returned from Spain… but Sae had so foolishly and complacently not taken them; what an idiot his past self was.

The warmth and comfort of being able to hold and cherish Rin in his arms during a time of need had been so relaxing that Sae had even began to doze off into a pleasant, satisfied state-of-rest… but, the uneven heaves and throaty-cried that’d had once again began to emit from Rin were a sign that something was wrong. “Rin? Are you okay…?” Sae whispered, rubbing soothing circles into his back when Rin shook his head and let out a high, panicked-whine. “What’s wrong…?” He hummed softly, already having an inkling as to what it could be; Rin had very clearly just had a panic-attack—Sae knew from first hand experience what symptoms they usually entailed—and it wasn’t very uncommon for another to follow soon after the first, especially if the source of the panic and anxiety hadn’t been adequately soothed or dealt with… which Rin’s obviously hadn’t. “Breathe…” Sae reminded him softly, gently patting at Rin’s upper-back in a way he hoped would help stimulate his reflex to inhale.

“Why didn’t mom and dad come to visit me, Sae…?” Rin whispered out, his question thoroughly startling Sae but, by the time the words had registered and sank in, he felt a sudden frenzy of anger and indignation aimed towards their parents on his little brother’s behalf. “I- I sent them a message and- and they know what I tried to do, but-“ his voice cracked and Sae wasted no time hugging and clutching Rin even closer when the sobs and heaved once again wracked through his weak, trembling body.

Gritting his teeth hard enough for a disgusting, coppery flavor to overtake his mouth, Sae had to force himself to take a few deep breaths and reign in the pure, unfiltered rage and contempt he felt towards their parents for once again prioritizing their work over their youngest child’s wellbeing—but, he supposed it had always been that way, hadn’t it? Their mom and dad had always openly favored him and borderline-neglected Rin. “Mom and dad are…” he trailed off, not wanting to reiterate the simple, cold truth of the matter as Rin clearly already knew the straightforward facts and was simply asking as a means of requesting comfort for his sorrows. “They’re bad parents.” Sae declared flatly after a moment's contemplation and he was almost startled to realize that he believed that to be the whole-hearted truth of the matter. “Because they’re bad parents, Rin.” He repeated, steeling his gaze firmly when Rin went wide-eyed and seemed to recoil a little, no doubt feeling self-conscious about being a part of bad-mouthing their parents—he shouldn’t, they really didn’t deserve that kind of consideration or respect from him.

Maybe it was simply the dry heat and resent festering due to the moment but, as Sae sat there and held his sobbing, trembling brother in his arms, it truly dawned on him how much Rin had been mistreated as a child; their parents had always expressed the bare-minimum level of ‘care’ and ‘love’ that any sane person would to their own direct flesh and blood but, aside from that, they were neglectful, dismissive, and just overall detached from Rin’s general wellbeing as a whole—not that Sae had been any better than them in regards to that specific criteria these past few years, but still.

Sae squeezed his eyes shut tightly and sighed, struggling to cope with the unwanted, newfound insight he’d just acquired when once again recalling back to that night in the snow; he’d been hurt, angry, and agitated by Rin’s refusal to accept his new dream—more like his ‘backup-plan’ seeing as his real dream had been crushed into the dirt—and had subsequently snapped, somehow gaslighting himself into believing that hurting and abandoning Rin was the only way they’d both be able to develop an adequate sense of independence from each other while, in reality, Sae had simply been emotionally charged and had taken it out on his little brother.

He couldn’t even begin to imagine what that must’ve felt like for Rin; waiting four fucking years with all of his attempts at staying in touch unanswered as he honed and trained his skills to the best of his abilities tirelessly in hopes of being able to fulfill the dream he’d held so close to his innocent, pure little heart… just to be mocked and abandoned despite off of his efforts; abandoned by the person who had essentially raised, nurtured, and cultivated that dream alongside him… abandoned by his precious Ni-Chan.

Even to this day Sae truly believed that the dependency and admiration Rin had once held for him had been bordering on unhealthy—especially considering his little brother’s insistence of being ‘Sae’s little brother’ rather than his own person at times—but the pathetic, cowardly way Sae had gone about ‘cultivating independence’ in Rin had been nothing short of cruel, neglectful abandonment… and the worst part was that Rin didn’t have loving parents who he could rely on in his time of need.

Sae had to face the cold, bitter truth that his immature past-self and consequently sowed for him: he hadn’t just abandoned his little brother… he’d left him alone; utterly alone at fifteen years-old in that cold, empty house that had become his prison and almost his grave.

God, he had really fucked up, hadn’t he?

“Deep breaths.” Sae whispered out in reminder when Rin’s breathing had once again devolved into something shaky and unstable… but, luckily, rather than ask another heart-wrenching painful and thought-provoking question, he simply nodded before complying, his breathing evening out into something not-quite stable but also not-quite panicked soon after. “Good… good job, Rin.” He praised softly, his lips curling into an affectionate smile when Rin made a small, indecipherable sound before noticeably relaxing and letting his head rest against Sae’s shoulder.

Sae had fucked up; the bitter, painful memory of his greatest mistake would haunt him until the end of time, undoubtably… but, when his little brother’s stiff, panic-riddled body had eventually begun to relax enough to doze off to sleep in his embrace, Sae couldn’t help but feel like maybe- just maybe he would one day be able to look back on these uncertain, dark days and smile, grateful that he hadn’t given up and that Rin had granted him another chance…

Wouldn’t that be lovely?

Chapter Text

For the first time in a very long while, Rin felt… warm; like, rather than the ruthless, frigid storm and spray of ocean that would leave him drenched and shivering, a soft, pleasant sunlight had begun to shine down on him, bathing Rin’s exhausted, shuddering figure in its warm embrace. “Mm…” he grumbled out softly, whining quietly when the heavy blanket of sleep eventually lifted, allowing his tired, sleep-crusted eyes to slowly flutter open.

For a little while, Rin’s mind didn’t comprehend where this soothing, comforting warmth was before sourced from nor why it felt as if a weight had lifted from his heart… but, when he did, his entire body went rigid with fear, confusion, and indignation that make him physically startle; Sae was… cuddling him? “What…?” He gasped out quietly, his eyes going wide when the firm arms that wrapped around his body shifted and readjusted to embrace him tighter. “Sae…?” He exhaled with disbelief, his heart-rate spiking with an almost cartoonish-abruptness that Sae undoubtedly felt as he pulled back just enough to give Rin a soft, equally-as-groggy before smiling with a sincerity that hadn’t graced his expression in years.

“Good morning, Rin.” Sae greeted simply, casually bringing a hand up to cart and massage through Rin’s hair as his other moved to retrieve and fiddled with his phone. “Did you sleep well?” He hummed with a nonchalance that had Rin’s already-baffled, dumbfounded mind spinning with confusion… that was, until recollection and clarity sudden washed him, promptly informing Rin of all the confusing, humiliating, and mind-twisting events that had taken place before he’d fallen asleep.

Opening and closing his mouth a few times, Rin’s expression undoubtably rivaled one of a fish… but he couldn’t help it. “I…” Rin began weakly, his voice almost immediately tapering off into a breathy exhale as his lungs refused to cooperate with him. “What are you doing…?” He managed eventually, his words barely above a whisper, but Sae seemed to hear them regardless.

Rin knew what Sae was doing… he just couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around the coursing notion of why he was doing it—or, well… technically, Sae had ‘told’ him why he was attempting to comfort him, but Rin had simply refused to believe it and, honestly, he still couldn’t bring himself to accept the explanation as the truth; Sae loving him? Exactly as he had the first time, Rin came to the bitter conclusion that those words were nothing but another lie crafted to trick, manipulate, and set him up for an eventually mockery… but, unlike the first time, Rin now had to take in Sae’s inexplicably kind, affectionate behavior into account.

The reason Rin had eventually ended up caving and allowing Sae to hold him was simply because he’d been too desperate and exhausted to fight. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Rin had still been instinctively expecting some sort of punch-line or creatively-woven insult to be brought into light as consequence of foolishly letting his guard down around Sae for even a moment… but what had happened couldn’t have been anything further from the truth; not only had Sae not taken the opportunity to kick Rin while he was down, subsequently paying him back for all of the cold, scalding glares he’d been shooting at him like daggers this past week, but he’d actually comforted Rin… hugged and held him close like he was precious.

Despite the still-bitter, grudgeful part of his heart and mind that didn’t want to offer Sae any benefit of the doubt or reprieve, Rin had to acknowledge what had happened—and what still was happening—with at least some semblance of rationality and unbiasedness… and, when he did that while taking all of the facts into account, he couldn’t help but physically startle at the new conclusion he’d been forced to draw; maybe—emphasis on the maybe!—Sae hadn’t been lying when he’d told Rin that he loved him?

…

Despite having so desperately wanted to hear those three simple words for longer than he could even remember, Rin couldn’t help but be meticulously skeptical of them and what kind of hidden agenda they may be concealing; was it possible that Sae was so obsessed and driven by his desires to use Rin for football that he would employ such cruel, twisted methods of deception as a tactic? Normally, if he were to refer only to the detached, borderline-torturous cruelty that Sae had treated him with these past few years, Rin wouldn’t have second guessed that assumption for even a single second… but—as naive and possibly wishful as it may seem—he couldn’t ignore the way Sae’s usually-cold, uncaring eyes had sparkled with genuine affection when Rin had looked to him for support, nor the way his voice and actions had reflected just as much sincerity as his gaze; could someone really feign such raw, unfiltered emotion for something as cruel and shallow as a lie? Maybe… but, then there was also the fact that, rather than take the opportunity to forcibly speak to Rin about whatever it was he’d been so desperate to talk about, Sae had stuck true to his word—except for that one slip out—and hadn’t tried to convince Rin of his alleged ‘love’ or anything else he’d wanted to say… Sae had simply held and comforted him exactly as he’d promised.

“-Rin?” Sae’s worried—holy shit, was he actually worried?—concerned voice called out to him, yanking Rin from his thoughts and once again forcing him to confront the awkward, incomprehensible predicament he was in head on. “Are you okay? You’re spacing out… Do you need me to get Dr.Takashi?” He asked, his body and expression noticeably stiffening when Rin continued to gape at him in silence. “Shit…” he cursed out quietly and Rin was horrified to find his heart wailing and protesting with pain when he realized Sae was about to stand up, consequently relinquishing the warm embrace he held Rin in.

“Don’t go!” He cried out suddenly, his eyes widening with shock as he snapped his mouth shut and refused to meet Sae’s gaze. “I mean- I’m fine…” he whispered out eventually, hating how his body instinctively moved to pull Sae’s warmth closer to him as if his heart were desperate to close the gap between the two of them—whether that be physically or emotionally, Rin hated to admit that he didn’t quite know yet.

“Ah…” Sae breathed out, his muscles relaxing as he allowed Rin to pull him closer without any protest. “Are you sure?” He hummed out softly, bringing his hand back up to cart through Rin’s hair before smoothing it back out in a frustratingly soothing, continuous motion.

“I- yeah… I’m fine.” He nodded dumbly, feeling like he was on the verge of going crazy as both his heart and mouth had apparently decided to go rogue and act upon their own individual wills—seriously, what the fuck was happening!? Just because Rin was maybe starting to consider entertaining the notion that Sae might care about him didn’t mean he suddenly wanted to be all touchy-feely with him again! Rin should be using this opportunity to shove Sae off and curse at him for having the audacity to hug and speak as if there was no bad-blood between them-!

“Are you hungry, Rin?”

…

…

…

“Yes...” He nodded against Sae’s shoulder begrudgingly, internally cursing his weak, irrational heart’s desperation for comfort—Sae was just so warm; the last time Rin had been hugged was Isagi and the gesture had felt so soothing and amazing… but- wait! That’s precisely the reason Rin couldn’t allow this to happen! Just because the recent evidence had offered him a potentially different insight in the true intentions Sae harbored didn’t mean he could suddenly let his guard down and allow himself to foolishly seek comfort in the first person who offered it to him! Rin had to push him away! Rin had to kick Sae out and-!

“What kind of food do you want?”

…

…

…

“Anything.” He answered again in pure instinct, silently seething and cursing himself for once again failing to follow through on what would be rational… but this time he would do it! He would shove Sae off of him, scold and swear at him for-!

“Do you want me to DoorDash something?”

…

…

…

“Okay.” Godamnit! Fucking hell… Rin was way too fucking tired to deal with this right now and, honestly, he was on the verge of simply ignoring the dilemma presented before him all together… Besides, what had Sae told him before he’d fallen asleep? Something about ‘not having to panic over trying to figure this out’ and ‘this doesn’t have to mean anything’? Surely that didn’t soley apply to his little freak-out session, right? Rin had been awake for nearly half-an-hour now—at least, that’s what his internal clock offered up to him as a wobbly guesstimate—and Sae still hadn’t made any move to convince nor speak to him about anything beyond trivial things like food and how he’d slept… so maybe it was safe to assume that he wouldn’t be testing any boundaries or poking at Rin’s limits anytime soon?

Sighing with a quiet, bone-deep exhaustion, Rin found himself in a sort of mental tug-of-war; one side fought against the decision to momentarily place his well-being at Sae’s mercy while the other simply wailed with exhaustion and the desperate plea to finally be allowed rest… and, eventually, the ladder won out.

Rin was so tired; he’d been gripping into the edges of his flimsily-built boat for years, fighting against the raging storm and the ever-present threat of falling overboard and drowning… but, now, the merciless, seemingly-endless hurricane that Rin had been certain would be the cause of his watery-grave had lessened ever-so-slightly, allowing for that miraculous, long-awaited ray of sunshine to peek through the dark, foreboding clouds and bathe him in the sensation of its gentle warmth.

It was quite possible that Rin was making the gravest, most-idiotic decision of his life to be placing his trust in the same person who had essentially been responsible for all of his pain to begin with… but the worst case scenario had basically already come to pass; Rin had already attempted to kill himself and he already existed in a state of near-24/7 pain and anguish… so why not take another gamble? Worse case scenario was that Sae would betray and abandon him again and- yeah, Rin’s flimsily, aching heart would probably wither and die on the spot if that were to happen… but was the option of trying and failing to continue enduring the storm any better?

If Rin’s fate were to be sealed with a final, stabbing betrayal shortly followed by a towering, roaring wave that would sink him for good… at least he would be able to die with his final view of the world being a sparkling, beautiful ray of sunlight that—if only momentarily—would cast the dark, inky-black void of his ocean into breathtakingly beautiful turquoise.

If Rin were to die, he didn’t want the last color he saw to be black…

He wanted it to be blue.

Chapter Text

Sae hadn’t been expecting Rin’s cooperation to last very long once he’d fully woken up and had the opportunity to function with full clarity, but the opposite had turned out to be true—well, for now, at least. Rin’s eyes had flashed with rage, sorrow, and resent, prompting Sae to brace himself for the moment he was inevitably shoved away and cursed at, but rather than act on any of the emotions that crossed his gaze, Rin’s entire demeanor had become something almost… docile and submissive, even—not that he was complaining; Sae would happily make the most of every opportunity he was granted.

Even as Sae placed the DoorDash order on his phone, Rin refused to let go of him; he buried his face against Sae’s shoulder and openly leaned into the hand that had continued to cart and massage through his hair. “The food should be here in around thirty minutes.” Sae announced, basking in the warm, flowery glow that bloomed in his chest when Rin simply hummed and seemed to relax even further into the hug. “Do you want me to put a movie on for you?” He asked, having to physically stop himself from grinning ear-to-ear when Rin once again complied to his question with a nod—he hadn’t spoken much beyond one-worded responses, but the fact that Rin was even entertaining his questions to begin with spoke volumes of the progress he’d made in such a short time.

Despite how irrationally joyful and accomplished Sae felt right now, he knew not to get too ahead of himself; just because Rin was tolerating his presence and accepting minor gestures of assistance didn’t mean that the most troubling, complicated parts of their relationship had been worked out yet—well, realistically it hadn’t been ‘worked out’ at all; Sae hadn’t even begun to tackle the most glaring issue yet.

After what had felt like years of being forcibly silenced, Sae had finally managed to directly express to Rin the love he harbored for him… but that realistically hadn’t aided his progress towards a proper apology or reconciliation as much as he’d hoped—not that he’d been expecting Rin to believe his poorly executed declaration, but he still couldn’t help but be disappointed.

Sae had to willfully restrain himself from reciting the apology he’d rehearsed a thousand-times-over outloud for Rin to hear; he so desperately wanted to just blurt out everything than he’d been so painstakingly keeping to himself—not by choice—during these past two weeks, but he knew that was wrong. Much like the conclusion he’d come to while he was comforting Rin through his panic attack, Sae eventually decided that ambushing his poor, still-disoriented little brother with an apology he’d explicitly promised not to force upon him would be the epitome of all of his selfish desires combined… so, despite how much it clawed and raked at his throat and sanity, when Sae opened his mouth, he forced himself to keep the words casual and light. “Do you wanna watch this?” He asked softly, hovering over a horror-movie that he was certain Rin had mentioned being fond of when he spoke to Isagi and smiling when his little brother hummed ‘yes’ with slightly more intent than his previous answers had held—Rin’s love and passion for horror in particular was never one Sae quite understood, but he couldn’t help finding it incredibly endearing and adorable to see that said passion had survived for so long.

Sighing internally, Sae shook his head subtly enough so that Rin wouldn’t notice—the gesture was more just a means of physically releasing his own disappointment and frustration than anything else; a habit—as he mentally chided himself for the impatience that he’d almost allowed to fester; the progress he’d made this morning alone was more than Sae would’ve dared to hope for just yesterday, so it was foolish and childish of him to be getting so impatient when, if he continued to play his cards right, Rin might eventually prompt the opportunity for Sae to apologize and explain himself on his own.

“Excuse me?” A new, somewhat-familiar voice called out to them, and Sae perked up when he realized it was one of the nurses—the kind women who had helped Sae find Rin’s hospital room during the night of the incident—holding a plastic bag; their food order. “Did you order DoorDash? I received a delivery under your name and room number at the desk?” She asked, her eyes widening ever-so-slight as she presumably took in the sight of Rin cuddling against Sae—she had been one of the poor nurses who had to both witness and deal with the aftermath of Sae’s failed attempts at reconciliation when Rin still had the tendency of screaming and cursing at him, so the sight was probably quite a shocker for her.

“Ah- yes, thank you-“ Sae thanked earnestly, instinctively moving to stand up and meet her halfway to retrieve the food, but the quiet, annoyed whine that escaped Rin paired with the way his arms desperately squeeze and clung into Sae’s midsection fighter had been enough to stop him dead in his tracks. “Rin…?” He exhaled out softly, his heart aching with an incomprehensible level of joy and even cute-aggression when his mind comprehend the adorable gesture of child-like neediness that his younger brother had just bestowed him with… and Sae was a little ashamed to admit that he felt a childish sense of triumph to have bested Isagi in terms of inducing Rin’s cuddly behavior—the poor guy was probably half-way through a football match, completely unaware of the one-sided, never-once verbally established contest Sae just considered himself the victor of.

Smiling apologetically, Sae gave the nurse an almost pleading look that she thankfully understood almost immediately. “Here you go.” She hummed out cheerfully, her eyes sparkling with something pointed when she glanced between him and Rin a few times—she was probably grateful that she wouldn’t have to deal with Rin’s angry, rageful screams nor the pathetic, pitiful sight of Sae crying in a visitation chair afterwards… well, that is if Sae could keep his shit together for long enough to properly apologize and work things out between them.

“Thank you…” he sighed gratefully, ignoring the way his sore, stiff muscles protested as he maneuvered himself in a way that he could open the bag while still allowing for Rin to clutch onto him—it turns out that sleeping with half of your body awkwardly draped off the side of a hospital bed wasn’t the best for your muscle flexibility… Who would’ve guessed? “Rin…” he called out softly, unable to suppress the amused, light-hearted smile that stretched across his lips when Rin begrudgingly hummed in acknowledgment. “You can’t eat that way… you’ll have to sit back and let me move back to the chair so I can set the food down.” He explained patiently, feeling the way his heart leapt with satisfaction and triumph when Rin seemed hesitant and upset to comply—Rin was upset at the thought of letting go of him? And to think that just yesterday he’d been glaring daggers into Sae at any opportunity.

With a little bit of hesitancy, Rin eventually pulled away and sat up properly in his bed… though, Sae didn’t miss the way his little brother absolutely refused to meet his gaze evenly. “…what did you order?” He asked without warning as Sae began to rummage through the bag and pull containers of utensils out, his voice barely above a whisper and Sae took a full few seconds to recover from his shock and disbelief; Rin had purposefully initiated a question all on his own? Was it Christmas?

“Just some bentos from that convenience store around the corner.” He answered with a shrug, startling a little when the notion of how casual and nonchalant the conversation felt—well, aside from the obvious tension still crackling between them and the blatant weigh Rin’s shoulders weighed heavy as he still refused to meet Sae’s gaze… but other than that, it was as casual as it could possibly get given the less than ideal circumstances! “Sorry if you wanted something specific… you wouldn’t answer when I asked what you wanted.” He apologized, once again fiercely fighting against the urge to turn that casual, nonchalant apology into the one he’d been formulating these past two weeks.

“…it’s fine.” Rin answered with a shrug, allowing Sae to place the opened bento and chopsticks in his lap. “Thanks.” He grumbled right before shoving a comical amount of food into his mouth with all the ferocity and determination of a hamster trying to stuff its cheeks full of food as quickly as possible—was Rin simply begrudging to be thanking Sae for the food, or had this become a strange, somewhat-adorable habit he’d picked up on over the years?

The atmosphere that fell upon them as they ate was far from comfortable, but it was surprisingly… calm? Maybe it was simply because Sae had grown so used to Rin cursing, glaring, or screaming at him nearly every chance he got, but it was somewhat of a surreal experience to be doing something as casual as watching a movie and eating with his little brother again. “Are you done?” Sae asked, moving to retrieve the empty bento-box container when Rin nodded silently. “I also ordered a snack if you want it.” He didn’t even wait for Rin’s answer before he grabbed the bag, haphazardly shoved and pushed the spare utensils out of the way, and finally managed to retrieve the dessert-box with an embarrassing amount of effort—it wasn’t easy to maneuver with muscles so stiff and sore! “Here… if you want.” He offered it out to Rin, mindlessly going about crumpling up their trash and throwing it back into the bag before a quiet, yet sharp inhale caught his attention.

Sae turned his attention back to his little brother, instinctively tensing up and bracing for the worst… but eventually ended up simply frowning in confusion at the sight before him; Rin was staring at the friend pastry in the box as if it contained the most troubling, confusing puzzle known to man. “… what’s wrong, Rin?” He asked nervously, hoping that he hadn’t accidently ended up offending or angering his already emotionally-charged little brother—he wasn’t sure how he could’ve managed something like that when he hadn’t done anything besides offer Rin a snack… but, as he had found out through countless hours of trial and error, it didn’t take much of anything to upset Rin when he was feeling particularly snappy. “Do you… not want it? I can put it away and save it for later if you-“

“Why’d you order this?” He interrupted and Sae was startled to find that not only had Rin chosen that very moment to meet his gaze, but also that there was something pointed and even challenging in his own as he did.

“Uhm- I…” Sae stuttered nervously, desperately wracking his mind for any sort of indication as to why Rin suddenly seemed so agitated and expectant over something so trivial… and, when he inevitably came up with nothing, Sae had no choice but to offer an uncertain, yet earnest explanation. “I remembered that fried karinto manju used to be your favorite…” he began with a shrug, fidgeting nervously and instinctively leaning back when Rin’s sharp, inspecting eyes burned holes into his own. “So I- uh… I don’t know, I just ordered it in case you still liked it. I was hoping it might make you feel better.” He eventually finished with a weak, defeated sigh, certain that whatever it was Rin was inexplicably searching for within his response had fallen short and would inevitably cause his younger brother to anger… but, after a few tensed, awkward moments of stiff silence that Sae couldn’t help but hold his breath for, Rin eventually seemed to settle back down, his sharp gaze lessening back into something milder as he turned his attention back towards the TV.

“Okay.” He acknowledged after a little while, his voice mostly indecipherable but noticeably less annoyed and expectant then when he’d first asked the seemingly random, unrelated question… and, with that, the room once again settled into that awkward, slightly-strained atmosphere from earlier, leaving Sae to process the baffling events of the last few minutes in silence—save for the sounds of the movie in the background.

Eventually, Sae came to the conclusion that he was not a mind-reader—unfortunately—and that there was nothing he could do to understand what had just happened between the two of them without actively asking Rin for an explanation… something he would not do seeing as he valued the newfound almost-stillness that had just barely managed to settle back down between them.

With a slightly-heavy heart, Sae was bitterly reminded of the glaring fact that his and Rin’s relationship was still far from mended… but, at the very least, he could take comfort and triumph in the noticeable progress his efforts had finally earned him.

It didn’t matter if he couldn’t understand the inner-workings or motivations of Rin’s mind quite yet… as long as Sae was granted the opportunity to work towards making things right, he wouldn’t lose hope in the dream that, maybe one day, he will have finally made things right between them…

That, one day, Sae might be granted the privilege of being Rin’s older brother just one more time.

Chapter Text

Fried karinto manju; a dessert Rin had been quite fond of since he was young… and now a dessert he was currently eating with all the begrudging stubbornness of a small, bratty child… and, as much as he hated to admit it, Sae was right; the subtly sweet flavor paired with the familiar crunch that he so enjoyed had cheered him up.

He hadn’t been anticipating the way his heart squeezed with pain when he was met with the sight of his favorite dessert, nor had he been actively planning to confront Sae about the potential purposefulness behind ordering it… but he he just had to know; he had to know if Sae had actually taken the mental effort to have not only remembered but also to have gone out of his way to order something explicitly because it was Rin’s favorite… and, with the confirmation that the gesture had indeed been intentional, Rin hadn’t been sure how to feel about it—actively hating and resenting Sae’s guts while also being on the receiving end of his inexplicably tender nurturing was quite the confusing ordeal.

Despite the fact Rin had mentally caved and had essentially accepted Sae’s gestures of care—momentarily! Just until he could find the energy required to confront Sae about- well… everything that was their twisted, contradictory relationship—he was still too begrudging and spiteful to outwardly express his enjoyment—plus, clinging on to Sae like a desperate, bratty child had already been enough embarrassment and humiliation for one lifetime. “Are you thirsty?” Sae’s voice called out to him, snapping him from his thoughts in a way that had him instinctively whipping his head around and glaring in the direction of the sound… and he would admit that he found the way Sae visably flinched and tensed fairly amusing. “I bought water or juice… I didn’t know which one you’d want?” He explained quietly with a shrug, leaning over to grab a water bottle that he’d set down before opening it and handing it to Rin. “Here… water will help you digest the sugar from the snack.” He reasoned, smiling an infuriatingly genuine smile when Rin took the bottle without a word.

Now that Rin had some food and water in him, he couldn’t help the way he almost instinctively began to analyze and dissect both Sae’s behavior and appearance in his peripheral vision; he seemed… lighter- happier, even, and Rin’s suspicious, skeptical mind wasn’t sure what to make of it—was he happy because his plan of manipulating Rin was slowly but surely coming into fruition, or was it possible that he was genuinely relieved by his recovery? Honestly, despite his best efforts, Rin still couldn’t figure it out for the life of him… but whatever; as long as Sae didn’t start spewing some bullshit about ‘how much he loved him or ‘how sorry he was’, Rin would continue to accept his presence and aid.

After finishing his water and begrudgingly handing the empty bottle back to Sae to be thrown away—seriously, he wasn’t a child! He could throw away his own trash!—Rin had eventually allowed his head to fall back and his eyes to flutter shut as he drifted off into a light doze… but he was quickly startled by the sensation of a hand reaching forward to rest on his head, promptly causing him to flinch and pry his eyes open to see the perpetrator—Sae—giving him a sheepish, hesitant look but otherwise not moving to pull his hand back. “Sorry…” he apologized quietly, his turquoise eyes shining with genuine sincerity as he did… but the bastard still refused to remove his hand!

Narrowing his eyes, Rin didn’t answer, rather he simply opted to stay quiet and glare pointed daggers into Sae until he got the hint… but, being the stubborn, insistent little pest that he was, Sae didn’t seem to catch it—that or he just didn’t want to comply; bastard—and, eventually, Rin simply gave up. With an exasperated, defeated sigh, he let his eyes flutter shut once again, only stirring a little bit when Sae’s hand began to stroke through his hair with an affection tenderness that drove Rin absolutely crazy with doubt and confusion… but, other than the fact that his brain was raging and eternal tug-of-war with itself, he didn’t react—whatever, if Sae wanted to tire himself out by reaching over to pet his head, he could knock himself out.

…

Plus, as much as Rin despised to admit it, a small, hesitant part of him actually enjoyed the treatment; the confusion in his heart and mind aside, it physically felt extremely soothing and comforting to be on the receiving end of such a gentle, methodical gesture—not that he’d ever admit that aloud to Sae, but still.

But, unfortunately, Rin’s peace wouldn’t last for long—when had it ever?—when he was met with the exasperating sound and sigh of Dr.Suzuki entering the room shortly followed by Dr.Takashi—not that Rin had anything against either of them… it’s just that it was fairly obvious that their current presence had some sort of intention. “Hm…?” Rin stirred dazedly, blinking open his eyes and frowning in a way that must’ve been way too obvious seeing as both doctors offered him an apologetic, almost-sheepish smile. “Oh… hey.” He greeted awkwardly, suddenly feeling incredibly self-conscious of the hand still petting his hair, so he wasted no time before swatting it away, clearing his throat, and pulling himself up into a sitting position.

With a small smile and nod of greeting, Dr.Takashi’s face quickly morphed into something a little bit more serious and professional. “Hello, Rin… as I’m sure you’re aware, you’ll be ready to be discharged from the hospital in a few days-“ he began, but Rin had a sneaking suspicion that this ‘good news’ was to be followed shortly by a ‘but’. “-but…” there it was “-due to your circumstances for having been admitted in the first place paired with Dr.Suzuki’s evaluation of your current mental state, I’m afraid that the process of being discharged and returning to life as normal will be a little bit more complicated.” He explained and, despite the fact that Rin had already been anticipating this sort of thing, he couldn’t help the way his heart sank with frustration and dread as he let out a long, weary sigh and a defeated nod.

“I assure you, Rin, that I will do everything in my power to make this transition as smooth and comfortable as possible for you.” Dr.Suzuki rushed to assure him before anything else, and Rin didn’t doubt the sparkling sincerity in her bright-green eyes… but he wasn’t exactly optimistic about whatever the hell this ‘transition’ entold. “I’m afraid that, due to your results on the mental-wellness check I evaluated you on earlier and your current cause for having been admitted into the hospital, I’m recommending you to be seen by a mental healthcare professional that specializes in suicide prevention.” She finished with a small, sympathetic smile and Rin could practically feel his expression deflate.

“Wait- so… does that mean I have to stay in the hospital for even longer?” He frowned, hoping that his voice didn’t actually come out as whiny and defeated as it sounded to his own ears. Not only was he certain that being forced to remain in this hospital would drive him absolutely insane, but it also gnawed at him to realize that he probably wouldn’t be returning to Bluelock or just football in general anytime soon.

“Ah… well, that actually depends. I’m aware that being cooped up in a hospital is usually counterproductive to treating depression and suicidal tendencies, which means that you can actually spend the duration of your treatments at home-“ Home? That sounded nice; Rin hadn’t been fond of his home ever since Sae had abandoned him—it was much too empty and lonely when he was the only one occupying it—but he would be lying if he said his heart wasn’t desperately yearning for something familiar and somewhat-comforting. “-but that’s only if you have someone who you trust, passes the qualifications, and will be willing to monitor you for the full month.” She finished and Rin was all too aware of the way his expression morphed into one of pure dread and exasperation.

So not only would Rin have to spend a full month away from Bluelock talking to some stranger about his feelings… but he would also have to spend that month in this godforsaken hospital; he didn’t have anyone who would be willing to monitor him for a full month… His parents didn’t care, he didn’t have any friends, and there was no way in hell Sae—as insistent as he was in ensuring him that he did in fact care; something Rin still refused to believe in without further evidence and confrontation!—would ever take time off from his precious football team in Spain just to continue this facade.

With a weary, disappointed sigh that seemed to resonate from Rin’s very soul, he opened his mouth, wholeheartedly ready to explain the humiliating notion that nobody loved him to these two random doctors. “I don’t have anybody who would-“

“I’ll do it.” Sae’s clear, unfaltering voice rang out into the otherwise silent room, and Rin felt his chest and throat hitch with pure disbelief as he whipped his head around to give the other a wide-eyed, almost-indignant look which Sae returned with an infuriatingly straight-forward determination that he couldn’t even begin to understand. “I can watch Rin for the month.” He repeated again and Rin felt as if he would get vertigo from how intensely his mind was spinning and reeling.

“Don’t you have to get back to your team in Spain?” Rin blurted out, unable to stop himself and he felt his cheeks burn with humiliation and embarrassment when Sae turned back from Dr.Suzuki to once again meet him with an undeterred, even gaze.

“Technically yeah, but I don’t care… they can just find a substitute for a while. You’re more important.” Sae hummed out nonchalantly with a shrug and, as he and Dr.Suzuki began to converse over the specific qualifications and requirements of being his overseer for the month, Rin felt himself slip away into a silent, limbo-like daze of pure confusion as his mind raced to find any kind of explanation for this sudden, unexpected turn of events; Sae was sacrificing football to take care of him? But that went against every single belief and conclusion that Rin had so convincingly drawn about Sae’s motivations?

There was no way in hell that Sae would sacrifice his own football just to manipulate Rin into playing again; It didn’t matter how much ‘potential’ Sae saw in him… there was no way that the ‘usefulness’ Rin might grow to develop could be worth more than Sae’s own individual desire to play… so what did that mean?

‘You’re more important’

Had Sae been telling the truth this entire time?

…

Was it possible that he… really meant it when he said ‘I love you’?

Chapter Text

Screwing over his entire team by suddenly disappearing without so much as a word or explanation behind ‘find a temporary replacement for me, I’m busy’ and potentially risking his position as a midfielder? Yeah, that didn’t mean shit to Sae in the face of finally having the opportunity to take care of and prove his love to his depressed, suicidal little brother.

“Mm…” Dr.Suzuki hummed, pausing to give him one last question, inspecting glance before nodding and writing something down on her clipboard. “Well, you’re of age to be assigned as his caretaker and you do have a direct familial bond… but, I just have to ask, are you familiar with monitoring and taking care of someone? I understand that you’re clearly willing to oversee Rin during his month at home, but being willing to and actually being prepared for the physical, mental, and emotional stress that comes with caring for someone under his circumstances are very different things.” She warned, her green eyes sharpening as she searched Sae’s face for any hesitancy… but he wasn’t put off in the slightest; as soon as he’d volunteered, Sae had been prepared for any kind of scrutiny or questions that the doctors might have about his qualifications or competency.

“He’s my little brother, I grew up with him… of course I’m familiar with taking care of him.” Sae explained coolly, internally cringing at the guilt-ridden, critical part of his mind and heart that so cruelly reminded him of his recent failures to do exactly what he was claiming he could… plus, despite not currently having Rin’s expression in his line of sight, he could only begin to imagine what kind of face his little brother was making—he might’ve recently grown to be more tolerant and susceptible of Sae’s care and aid, but it was extremely obvious that Rin was still very skeptical and bitter of him. “And I know that this is different because of his current circumstances, but I’m confident that I can do it.” He refused to let his voice falter; one mistake or stutter could be catastrophic. Not only would it solidify Rin’s fears and doubts about his certainty and sincerity but it would also make Dr.Suzuki wary and skeptical about his abilities to take care of his little brother—Rin needed to get out of this hospital; it was very clearly draining the life out of him.

“Hm… very well-“ Dr.Suzuki nodded and Sae’s heart leapt with excitement and triumph, but her next words made him skeptical. “-but, before we start getting too ahead of ourselves, the patient’s opinion and preference must always be taken into account.” She informed him, turning her attention back towards Rin in which Sae quickly followed to copy. “Rin, how would you feel about your brother staying with you if you were to go home?” She asked, careful to keep her voice perfectly neutral—Sae knew and respected that her monotone, unsuggestive voice was undoubtedly a method employed as to not accidentally force or pressure Rin into blurting out something he didn’t mean… but damnit! Sae really wanted Rin to say yes!

Suddenly becoming all to aware of the dry, scratchy feeling in his throat, Sae swallowed nervously before hesitantly turning to meet his little brother’s gaze for the first real time since he’d volunteered for the job… and- fuck, Sae had absolutely no clue what Rin could possible be thinking about right now; he looked like he was everything from dazedly confused to just plain afraid. “I…” Rin began softly before quickly trailing off, his voice so timid and meek that Sae couldn’t help the way his heart flipped with a confusing combination of pain, guilt, and endearment. “I’d have to stay in a hospital if not…?” Was what he eventually settled for asking and, despite Sae knowing that this particular choice of wording was ultimately setting up for his triumph, he couldn’t help the way his chest heaved with guilt and disappointment; the only reason Rin would end up tolerating his care was simply because the other alternative was awful… which- yeah, Sae couldn’t blame him for having adapted such an mentality after everything he’d gone through, but the joy and hope he’d felt seeing Rin acting so accepting and docile earlier had really set Sae’s heart up for failure.

“Yes, If no one else is available to monitor you, then you will have to spend the duration of your sessions and wellness checks in a psychiatric hospital.” She nodded, her eyes visibly softening when she caught sight of Sae’s desperate, almost-pleading expression—he wasn't doing it as a means of convincing or pressuring Rin to say yes but more so simply as a subconscious coping mechanism.

“… I guess I’ll stay with Sae, then.” Rin eventually spoke out with a weak, uncertain shrug and Sae couldn’t help the way he physically let out a breath of celebratory triumph as his words sunk in; this wasn’t merely a month of monitoring Rin through his recovery—although, that alone would’ve been more than enough for Sae to still volunteer without a second's hesitation—but a best-case-scenario—y’know, actual circumstances of the situation aside—opportunity to work towards strengthening their bond and finally finding room for his eventual grand apology.

Summoning every single ounce of willpower that he had, Sae just barely managed to resist the bone-deep, instinctive urge rush forward and pull Rin into a loving, grateful hug… but doing that without warning while also in front of other people would possibly land him a swift punch in the gut—Rin might still be in his physical-recovery process, but Sae did not doubt that he would momentarily push past those limits if it were in the name of pride. “So…” he began, feigning a very unconvincing cough before bringing a hand up to mimic the gesture of covering his mouth and desperately hoping that nobody would catch the way the corners of his lips curled upwards into a victorious, overjoyed smile. “Didn’t you say Rin would only need two weeks before his ribs were all good to go? Does that mean he can leave later today?” He began, turning to Dr.Takashi and giving the man a hopeful, almost-pleading look which he—being the cheerful, non-grudgeful man that he was—seemed to sympathize with despite the fact that Sae had basically done nothing aside from act like a total piece of shit towards him during the duration of his entire visit—he should really apologize before Rin was discharged.

“Actually- yes.” Dr.Takashi hummed, the corners of his eyes noticeably crinkling when Sae’s shoulders relaxed as his system flooded with pure, exhausted relief. “I simply need to run a few more test to assess Rin’s physical wellness as hospital procedure before he can be discharged, and you-“ he turned to Sae, giving him a pointed look “-will need to sign a few papers and listen in while Dr.Suzuki informs you of anything you need to be aware of… and, once that is all said in done in what I estimate to be a few hours, you-“ he turned back towards Rin, giving him a bright, genuinely cheerful smile “-will be discharged and ready to be sent home with your brother… which I’m sure you’re excited to hear. This hospital isn’t exactly the most comfortable or exciting place.” He mused lightheartedly and Sae couldn’t help but smirk when he turned towards Rin to find him smiling a little as he nodded sheepishly.

“It’ll be nice to go home…” he hummed out in quiet agreement and Sae was startled by the sudden rush of warm endearment that bloomed in his chest at the sight of Rin’s smile—one day, he really wanted to be the cause and recipient of that smile again… just like how it was when they were younger.

After that, Sae had been whisked away into another room by Dr.Suzuki to sign papers, go over contacts and who to call in case something went wrong, and just overall procedure on how to handle certain aspects of how Rin might possibly react to certain things and how to deal with it. “Thanks… I really appreciate all of this.” Sae thanked earnestly, committing everything she’d informed him of to memory one last time before sighing with weary exhaustion—there was a lot more to go over than he’d originally been anticipating, but he was more than willing to endure anything if it meant he was even just the slightest bit more prepared to help Rin through any possible breakdowns or relapses.

“Of course.” Dr.Suzuki nodded and smiled softly in turn. “I can tell you really care about your younger brother.” She lamented aloud as he finished signing and filling out his information on the final document, and Sae was a little taken about by just how much of an effect those few simple words had on him; despite the fact that Dr.Suzuki didn’t know that all of Rin’s suffering was Sae’s fault to begin with, it was still a little nice to receive validation… and it helped to assure him that he was going about caring for and proving himself to Rin in an outwardly commendable manner.

“Yeah…” Sae nodded with another weary sigh, dreading the way his heart predictably sank with guilt and discomfort the typical rush of imposter-syndrome crashed into him with what felt like the force of a bullet-train. “I- uhm… I just really want to help him through this.” He shrugged and Dr.Suzuki must’ve caught the way his bottom lip trembled a little as he spoke—not surprising considering she was a trained psychiatrist—because she quickly rushed to reassure his blatant uncertainty.

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate it… he’s fortunate that he can spend the duration of his treatments at home with a loved one to look out for him.” She explained, smiling and nodding encouragingly when Sae glanced up from his fidgeting hands to give her an uncharacteristically meek, hopeful look.

“… Thanks.” Sae whispered, his voice wavering as a burning heat began to form behind his eyes, threatening to spill over in the form of what-would-be humiliating tears… but he quickly sniffled and brought a hand up to press at his eyelids before anything of the such could happen. With a deep, steadying breath and newfound determined resolve, Sae forced himself to meet Dr.Suzuki gaze directly, refusing to skimp out on giving her a proper display of gratitude for looking after his little brother’s health. “Thank you.” He announced more firmly, fighting against the socially-awkward urge to avert his eyes when he smiled at him. “Thank you for looking after my little brother…” he thanked, bowing his head deeply in a way he hoped expressed the depth of his gratitude.

Chuckling lightly, she reached over to give Sae’s shoulder a light, affirming pat. “Of course… there’s no need to thank me for it.”

                    ~^~^~^~^~^~

Dr.Suzuki had requested that Sae remain outside of the room while she informed Rin of exactly what his therapy sessions would entail and, as much as he hated to be separate from his little brother, it was a rather convenient situation seeing as he still intended to pull Dr.Takashi aside and have a word with him before leaving. “Dr.Takashi…” Sae called out as the doctor exited Rin’s room and looked to be on the verge of heading in the opposite direction, not intending for his voice to come out as timid and uncertain as it had but the man seemed to hear him away.

“Oh- yes? Did you need something, Mr.Itoshi?” He hummed out politely, tilting his head to the side and smiling in a way that reminded Sae of a young, innocent child despite his age.

“Uhm… yeah, actually.” Sae sighed quietly, swallowing nervously as he mentally recited the apology he’d formulated while he was waiting. “Before me and Rin go, I just… I just want to say that I’m sorry, and thank you.” He eventually managed, rushing to continue when Dr.Takashi gave him a friendly, encouraging nod. “I’ve been acting like an entitled piece of shit to you this entire time and I even accused you of not taking proper care of Rin when it was still uncertain whether he’d wake up with brain damage… so I’m sorry for that.” He apologized, letting his shoulders slump and his head hang in regret, but he startled and perked back up when remembered that he’d only spoken out half of what he’d intended to say. “And- uhm… thank you. You’ve been really friendly to Rin and I can tell that you helped him to feel more comfortable during his stay… and you even tried to look after me even though I was a jerk… so thank you. Thank you for everything.” He thanked, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he bowed, hoping that, like when he thanked Dr.Suzuki, the physical gesture would aid in emphasizing the depth of his gratitude.

“Hm…” Dr.Takashi hummed mildly, going eerily quiet and, for a uncomfortable moment, Sae was afraid that his apology would be rejected—not that he would’ve been surprised; an half-baked apology hardly made up for all of the trouble he’d caused the man—but, right before he’d been about to accept his gesture as pointless, the doctor let out a quiet, amused chuckle, and when Sae hesitantly lifted his head up to meet the man’s gaze, he found only lighthearted amusement in them. “Heh… you’re very welcome, Mr.Itoshi.” He smiled, reaching forward to give Sae’s shoulder a light pat similar to how Dr.Suzuki had earlier—first Dr.Suzuki and now him? Was this some kind of hospital custom? “And I don’t blame you for being aggravated while Rin was still unconscious… It's perfectly normal and even expected by us doctors to experience criticism from patients' loved ones. It’s human nature to be upset when the people we love are suffering, after all.” He hummed out with a sigh and Sae was suddenly struck with the odd mental comparison of an old, wise, Japanese-sage.

“I… thank you.” Sae nodded dumbly, mortified by the foreign sensation of blood rushing to his cheeks as he flushed and averted his eyes awkwardly… but, unfortunately—and fortunately—for him, Dr.Takashi wasn’t finished speaking yet.

“I’ve noticed that things between you and Rin have gotten better… I must say it’s quite heartwarming to see your little brother’s improvement now that you’ve both made up.” He hummed, his words both touching Sae’s heart deeply while also inadvertently aggitaing and stabbing at it painfully.

With a drawn-out, weary chuckle of exasperation, Sae shook his head, giving Dr.Takashi a shrug and a slightly sheepish look. “We haven’t made up yet…” he began with a sigh, hurrying to clarify when the man raised an eyebrow and tilted his head inquisitively. “I think that Rin’s slowly opening up to me, but things are still far from fixed… I haven’t even gotten the opportunity to apologize to him yet… I just hope I can get him to trust me enough before this whole month-long therapy thing is over, or I might never have the opportunity to make things right between us ever again.” He frowned, letting his head fall backwards enough to lean on the wall behind him when the doctor hummed in acknowledgment and understanding.

“Hm… well I’m sorry to hear that things are still complicated and apologies if this is an overstep on my part, but it looks to me that you’re very important to Rin… so perhaps things will all have worked out by the time this is over.” He offered with a friendly shrug, and Sae was surprised to find that his words—although oblivious to the actual context of his and Rin’s situation and clearly calculated with the intent to cheer him up—actually did well to lift his spirits and strengthen his resolve.

“I’m finished.” A voice called out to them both before Sae had the opportunity to thank the man for the seemingly-eternal patience and kindness he always offered; Dr.Suzuki… which meant that, since Rin had received both his physical check-up, mental check-up, and was informed of how his month-long therapy sessions would go, he was now ready to be discharged. Turning to Sae and giving him an encouraging smile, she spoke the words he’d been desperate to hear for a few hours now:

“Rin’s ready to go home.”

Chapter Text

Rin held his breath as he walked side-by-side with Sae towards the hospital exit, refusing to let the pitiful whimpers of pain and discomfort slip past his lips; Sae had already tried coax him to lean on him during their brief walk to the elevator in which Rin had made the regretful mistake of groaning when his ribs flared with mild-discomfort, and he was not currently in the mood or right headspace to be contemplating anymore of Sae’s confusing, thought-provoking gestures of kindness and concern… but, unfortunately, he couldn’t quite suppress a quiet, yet sharp exhale that escaped him when he jostled a little too hard whilst walking down the stairs, prompting Sae’s inspecting, calculating eyes to lock in on his every movement with an infuriating amount of focus—though, he supposed it was better than being stared at with the contempt and hatred he’d grown used to expecting. “I’m fine.” Rin hissed, smacking Sae’s hand away when it made an attempt to steady him. “I can walk on my own, I’m not weak.” He snapped, hating the way he suddenly felt extremely vulnerable and afraid as if he were waiting for the inevitable moment Sae’s eyes turned cold with bitter amusement as he so cruelly reminded Rin of the fact that, yes, he was indeed weak—he’d tried to commit suicide as a means of escaping from his problems, was there anything more weak and pathetic than that?—but, rather than have his aching, tired heart ripped out and stomped on like he was half-anticipating, Sae simply regarded him for a few moments before nodding, not a hint of cruelty or mockery flickering through his expression as he did.

As childish as it was, Rin couldn’t help the way he continued glare at Sae for a few long, awkward seconds, but he quickly averted his eyes in shame when he realized that his silent challenge for Sae to say something cruel and mocking wouldn’t be met. “I’ve called an uber… they should be here in around five minutes, do you want to sit down on the bench for now?” Sae asked him after a little while and Rin’s mind instinctively inspected his words for any kind of insult, double-meaning, or just plain judgment… but when he found nothing he simply shook his head ‘no’—he was fine, goddamnit! Besides, it’s not like Rin had been intending to break his ribs when he… well- okay, trying to kill himself was arguably much worse than breaking a few ribs, but his point still stood! It was Sae’s fault that he had to spend a full two weeks in the hospital while waiting to heal; he’s the one who broke Rin’s ribs in the first place!

…

Okay, well… to be fair, Sae had broken his ribs while administering CPR to ultimately save Rin’s life—a story which he had confirmed the legitimacy of when he asked Dr.Takashi about what his condition was like when he was first picked up by the ambulance and was informed that, if it weren’t for Sae’s initial round of CPR, he would most likely be dead right now.

…

Damnit… now, despite his best efforts not to, Rin couldn’t help but spiral back down the seemingly-endless, maze-like rabbit hole that was his mind anytime he tried to contemplate Sae’s actions, motivations, and even just him as a person in general. “Shit…” he cursed out quietly, internally cringing when he felt those same inspecting eyes lock in on him once again, but thouroughly ignored them when Sae didn’t make any move to speak.

Not only had Sae’s initial display of kindness while comforting him during—and even after—his panic thrown Rin in a loop, but Sae had seemed so assured and unfaltering when he so coolly declared that he would volunteer to take care of and monitor Rin for an entire month… easily and confidently declaring to him that ‘you’re more important than football’ when Rin couldn’t stop himself from pondering the question aloud.

Rin more important than football? More important than playing in his upcoming games? No- scratch that… staying in Japan for a full month was much more severe and consequential than missing a few games; Sae could get in huge trouble with his coach, team, and anyone who had sponsored him during these upcoming matches… but he didn’t seem to care; he hadn’t even batted an eye or hesitated for a moment when reminded of his football career… he’d just been so focused on Rin.

…

It was impossible for Rin to continue ‘blissfully’ and ignorantly pretending that Sae’s presence was nothing more than a nuisance and that the other was only attempting to manipulate him… meaning that he now had to confront the mortifying, confusing, impossible notion that Sae’s care and attention might actually be rooted in genuine love and concern… but it’s not like that would actually fix anything if it did turn out to be the case.

Despite the momentary warmth that came with accepting Sae’s gestures of care and concern, Rin wasn’t even sure how to feel about the notion that the other’s love might indeed be genuine; under the weight of today’s events, Rin had to confront the fact that what Sae was sacrificing in his behalf couldn’t be rooted solely in a superficial, selfish agenda… but, rather than bring him an immense relief and sense of bliss that the person he’d been chasing after for so long was finally looking in his direction, Rin was suddenly flooded with a chaotic surge of contradictory, barely-identifiable emotions so intense that they actually invoked a sense of physical vertigo within him.

Sae—the person who was supposed to be his loving, accepting Ni-Chan—had abandoned him; he’d spat cruel, hurtful words that had cut and scarred him down to his very soul and had essentially been the final nail in what Rin had been intending to be his coffin… so- yeah, suddenly being barraged with such uncharacteristic kindness wasn’t exactly the most relaxing, relieving feeling.

Despite how much he resented and despised Sae for all of the pain he’d so cruelly inflicted, a small, child-like part of him still desperately yearned for love and attention from the very person he’d idolized and admired his entire life… but- the thing was, the depth and complexity of Rin’s individuality and self wasn’t solely attributed to being Sae’s admiring, desperate little brother anymore; Rin had suffered through incomprehensible pain and the extent of his wants weren’t simply limited to ‘wanting Sae back’… and- hell, the more that he thought about it, Rin wasn’t even truly certain that he still ‘wanted Sae back’ at all.

So what if Sae had randomly decided to turn over a new leaf and start treating him with basic human-decency again? So what if he was making sacrifices on Rin's behalf… could the extent of the pain he’d inflicted ever be overlooked or overshadowed by whatever kindness he was showing Rin now? Could the shattered, abused fragments of their ruined bond ever be pieced back together?

Did Rin even want it to?

…

He wasn’t didn’t know… he felt sick to his stomach, more confused than he had been before contemplating all of this, and at a complete loss for how he should proceed in regards to their current relationship and situation.

…

Well… he supposed there wasn’t much he could do about it anymore; Sae was now legally responsible to care for him for the next month, and Rin absolutely refused to spend that duration in another hospital—if he had to stare at sterile-white walls covered inspirational posters for a single second long, he would jump off the closest bridge just for the hell of it—meaning he couldn’t exactly escape from the other’s presence… but whatever; as long as Sae didn’t overstep the boundaries Rin had silently established that day he allowed Sae to hold him, he would be fine—or, well… as fine as one could be in such a confusing, complex situation.

“Rin…” Sae’s nervous, worried voice called out to him, startling Rin from his limbo-like daze. “The Uber is here… are you okay? You’ve been spacing out for a while and you didn’t answer the first few times I called you.” He hummed and Rin physically startled when he registered Sae’s dangerously close proximity as he leaned forward, swooped his bangs out of the way, and rested the back of his hand flatly in Rin’s forehead; he was checking his temperature. “You feel a little warm… do you have a fever? I have ibuprofen that Dr.Takashi said you could take if the pain in your ribs is really bad if you just feel sick in general- oh, and I also bought this water bottle if you need something to help you swallow.” Sae explained, uncharacteristically rambling as he moved to gently coax Rin into the uber while rummaging through the plastic bag he’d been holding, presumably looking for the medicines he’d mentioned before Rin had even had the chance to answer. “Here, just take two for now. I don’t think you should take more than 400 milligrams in one sitting, so- mph.“ Sae began, his attention wholly focused on trying to administer Rin the correct amount of ibuprofen—ibuprofen he still hadn’t agreed to wanting or needing—but, before he could once again go on a mindless, explanatory ramble, a hand came up to clamp over his mouth.

“I- I don’t need ibuprofen!” Rin huffed out with agitation and embarrassment, thoroughly flustered both by Sae’s uncharacteristically thoughtful, yet annoying rambling and by the way the other had scooted into the seat directly beside him, once again invading his personal space. “I’m fine… I don't have a fever, I’m just sore and tired.” Well- actually… Rin did feel a little warmer than what was probably suitable, but he chalked it up to simply being stressed and therefore refused to accept Sae’s unnecessary coddling… but, unfortunately, it seemed that the other wasn’t quite ready to give up on said coddling.

“Being sore and tired can lead to having a fever, Rin.” Sae explained, his voice dangerously close to something almost chiding, so Rin wasted no time shooting him a dark, warning glare that spoke something along the lines of: ‘fuck off or else’… but that only seemed to fuel Sae’s persistence. “Besides, you should probably take painkillers anyway. Even if you pretend that they don’t, I know your ribs are still hurting you… so you should take something to help you anyways before it gets worse.” He pressed on and Rin felt his agitation flare when Sae popped open the bottle and shook a few of the pills into his hand, apparently determined to ignore his protest… and, as much as a he hated to admit it, Sae was right to an extent; he did feel sick and exhausted… and it was precisely that exhaustion that eventually urged him to simply give in with a weak, exasperated sigh—he’d experienced Sae’s stubbornness firsthand; fighting against this would do nothing other than prolong his exhaustion and fatigue.

“Fine…” he grumbled, begrudgingly taking the pills and water and taking them before shoving the bottle back towards Sae and giving him a flat, pointed look to which the other seemed infuriatingly satisfied. “Happy?” He growled through gritted teeth, huffing and shaking his head when Sae gave him a sheepish nod.

Rin would never admit it aloud, but, after around ten minutes of them sitting in awkward silence—save for the polite small-talk the uber driver occasionally tried to engage them in and which Sae answered, thankfully sparing Rin the pain of participating in mindless ‘pleasantries’ that he didn’t actually find pleasant at all— the ibuprofen had actually made him feel a little better; his mind-fog lifted—if only a portion of it—his ribs didn’t ache and protest with every single slight bump that the car hit, and that strange vertigo from earlier had vanished entirely… and maybe it was merely a side-effect of his momentary physical relief and the slivers of gratitude that he felt towards Sae for forcing him to take the painkillers, but in his newfound state of almost-comfort, his eyes began to flutter shut and his head started to hang heavily towards one side—towards Sae’s side—almost as if his body were subconsciously craving the physical warmth the other had to offer… and, when being honest with himself, he probably was subconsciously craving it.

As the dark tendrils of sleep crept along the edges of his vision, Rin found it impossible to fight the desperate urge to let his head fall against Sae’s shoulder and, with succumbing to said urge, came the once in a blue moon event of both his heart and mind momentarily aligning to draw a sudden, unexpected conclusion to his earlier contemplation: Maybe even if he never truly forgave Sae for everything that he’d done, it couldn’t hurt to at least accept the love he was currently being given, right?

Maybe… things didn’t have to be in black and white all the time? Maybe Rin could accept Sae’s love for what it was and eventually decide whether he wanted to forgive him after everything was all said and done, and- don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he was going to start being all buddy-buddy just because Sae was making an effort—Rin still had every intention of giving him a hard time whenever he felt like it—but…

At least for now… Rin wanted to rest.

Chapter Text

Sae was absolutely clueless when it came to figuring out what was going through Rin’s mind—a regretful side-effect of being a shitty, absent older brother for years—and it was arguably even more stress-inducing than simply being screamed at, rejected, and blatantly despised… almost; as tiring and confusing as it was to constantly be on his toes, Sae would happily put up with this torment if it meant that he was allowed to help Rin through this next month with as least resistance as possible. “We’re here…” Sae announced quietly, nervously bringing his hand up to very lightly tap Rin on the arm to wake him—he’d fallen asleep on Sae’s shoulder… something he was ecstatic about, but it was also nerve-wracking seeing as it meant had to stay as still as a statue for the duration of the entire ride. “Rin we’re-“

“I’m awake.” Rin huffed, the sudden sound of his unreadable, most-likely agitated voice jolting Sae’s jittery, antsy heart and causing him to physical startle in a way he internally cringed at when Rin made a sound of discomfort—shit, Sae couldn’t afford to be making sudden movements, it might hurt or startle his little already-injured little brother! “That was fast.” He lamented dazedly as he moved to sit up straight, and Sae wasn’t sure if the seemingly nonchalant, unbothered comment Rin spoke aloud was an attempt at initiating a conversation or not, but he decided to keep quiet just incase it wasn’t and he ended up agitating the other.

Sae very quickly went through the process of paying, tipping, and politely thanking their Uber for her services before scrambling out of the car, gasping quietly when he realized Rin had already started walking away and was practically already at the front door, and hurrying to catch up to him with all the grace of an newborn giraffe. “I can-“ Sae began hurriedly, trying to reach for the keys hidden under the potted plant—hold on… now that he thought about it, wasn’t it unsafe for the keys to the house to be in such an easily reachable place? Rin lived alone and anyone could sniff around, find the keys, and break in with little to no effort!—but Rin beat him to it and unlocked the door without a single word, stepping inside and not even turning back to see if he was following… and Sae could feel the way the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end when he walked into the house, stopping dead in his tracks when a cacophony of unexpected, agonizing emotions seized at gripped at his heart.

The sight of the entrance room alone was enough to make Sae sick to his stomach with guilt and regret as unwanted memories of the first time he’d stood in this exact spot three weeks ago hit him with the force of a speeding train; as soon as Sae had walked in, Rin had been half-way down the stairs with everything from anger to just plain fear crossing his expression the moment their eyes had met, and what had Sae spoke as a greeting? What was the very first thing he’d said to his little brother after not having stepped foot in their shared childhood home for over a year? Barely anything; barely anything because he hadn’t even bothered to say fucking hello and- hell, the more time he took to recall it exactly, Sae was disgusted to remember that he’d barely even looked his little brother in the eye; he’d been feigning interest with his stupid, insignificant fucking phone the entire time, completely detached and uncaring of the obvious pain and confusion in Rin’s voice as he did… and that wasn’t even the worst part; far from it.

Forcing himself to swallow down the nausea that had begun to creep up his throat, Sae trailed closely behind Rin, immediately regretting it as his new position offered him a full view of the living room; the room where he’d spat the most disgusting, unforgivable words right to his little brother’s face… the same words that almost killed him:

‘You’re worthless’

‘As a little brother, you mean nothing to me… you don’t even exist in my eyes’

‘You’ll never amount to anything’

‘Sometimes I wish Isagi was born as my little brother so could actually have someone to be proud of’

And, what took the gold-medal as the most disgustingly inhumane thing Sae had ever spoken to anyone in his entire life: ‘things would have been so much fucking easier for me if you’d just never been born in the first place!’—that’s right, Sae remembered that one word-for-word.

Letting out a weak, shaky exhale as he brought a trembling hand up to place the plastic bag down onto the counter, Sae was once again reminded of that fact that- yes, it can always get worse—especially when your past-self was literally the worst human-being on the entire planet—when his brain unhelpfully conjured up the painstakingly detailed memory of Rin’s crying, trembling figure curled up against the wall that night of their big fight, his eyes alight with sheer terror; terror because of Sae. “Gh…” he gasped out, choking on the sound as he moved to quickly avert his eyes and turn away from the flat glance Rin shot him. “I’m- I need to use the bathroom.” He stuttered out weakly after a few failed attempts at catching his breath, not even waiting for Rin’s answer before practically stumbling his way upstairs before locking himself in the bathroom—he could’ve chosen the downstairs bathroom, but he needed to put as much space between him and that cursed room as possible… but, unfortunately for him, in his desperation Sae’s panicked, trembling legs had mindlessly carried him to a place arguably even more cursed and disturbing than the living room… Rin’s bathroom; the bathroom he’d admitted to having almost fucking drowned himself in on multiple occasions because of Sae’s torment.

He could imagine it with almost as much clarity as he’d pictured Rin’s crying, shaking figure in the living room despite never having actually seen his little brother in the midst of self-harming himself; shoulders hunched, eyes downcast and dull as an endless stream of tears flowed from them, undoubtedly leaving tear-tracks that would be quickly washed away as Rin’s eyes fluttered shut—did he close his eyes when he did it?—and he slowly let his head dip beneath the water, the action hauntingly similar to the way Sae had seen it happen when he’d actually tried to kill himself.

“Fuck…” he cursed out quietly as an unbearable nauseua slowly crept and bubbled up in the back of its throat, its intensity so severe that Sae had to roughly fall into his knees and desperately clamber towards the toilet before puking up any and all of the food he’d eaten earlier into it. “Gh- ack… ugh!” He coughed and sputtered weakly, the corners of his eyes tearing up from the unfamiliar burning sensation in his mouth, throat and teeth—that or he was simply breaking down from the emotional strain.

Rinsing his mouth with water a few times before moving back to dry heave and grip onto the edge of the toilet seat with white, trembling knuckles for the better of fifteen full minutes, Sae battled to reign in his guilt as he was suddenly reminded of that fact that Rin was currently downstairs, unsupervised, and—under the very worst of circumstances—was already planning out his next attempt at killing himself—oh, fuck… what if he’d already left the house? What if the second Sae had taken his eyes off of him, Rin had made a mad dash for the door and was already halfway towards trying to drown himself in the ocean again? “R-Rin…!” Sae gasped out weakly, his voice raw and raspy from pain as he haphazardly yanked himself to his feet and nearly tripped over his own two feet on his way down the stairs. “Rin…!” He repeated again, bringing a hand up to nervously run through his hair and possibly tearing out a few strands when he realized Rin wasn’t in the immediate entrance room. “Rin-!”

“What?” The sound of Rin’s annoyed voice rang clear through the house and it wasn’t long before the sight of his scowling, agitated face popped into view. “The fuck are you calling out for me like that? And why do you look like shit?” He huffed angrily, crinkling his nose in disgust when he most-likely registered his disheveled appearance, but Sae couldn’t care less that his hysteric panic had clearly agitated his little brother… he was just so fucking grateful that he hadn’t left to house to kill himself.

“Rin…” he breathed out quietly, holding on to the stair guard-rail for dear life when the sudden urge to sink to the floor with exhaustion and relief surged through him. “You didn’t- you’re still here.” He sighed with relief, unable to stop the small, desperate smile that stretched across his lips when Rin regarded him confusedly for a few moments before rolling his eyes and once again walking out of sight, going to continue on with whatever he was doing before Sae had interrupted him. “Ah- wait!” He called out without warning, suddenly gripped by the desperate urge to keep his little brother in his sights at all times.

Hurrying down the stairs while somehow managing to not fall flat on his face, Sae managed to catch up with Rin right as the other had begun to turn towards him, undoubtedly on the verge of genuine anger at being bothered for a second time, but Sae didn’t even allow him to opportunity; fueled by pure emotion and the screaming urge to quell the sudden surge of protective instincts that had suddenly jolted through him—too bad those hadn’t kicked in earlier… y’know, when it actually counted—Sae stepped forward with unfaltering confidence as he pulled Rin into a tight, desperate embrace, knowing full well that he would most likely be kicked off and yelled at for his insolence, but he couldn’t bring himself to care right now.

Rin was alive, healthy—well, not mentally healthy, but Sae would do absolutely everything in his power to change that!—and seemed to be slowly growing a tolerance and acceptance to Sae’s presence and aid.

As long as Rin gave him the chance to keep working to make things better, Sae would take it; here and now he vowed that he would fix everything… no matter the cost.

Chapter Text

Physically startling when Sae half-tackled him into a tight, almost-inescapable hug—seriously, when taking into account the suddenness of the gesture, this hug could have very well passed for a surprise mugging!—Rin had to forcibly fight against the instinctive urge to shove Sae away from him the second the situation had fully registered with his groggy, still-exhausted brain. “Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He huffed out with annoyance, his nose wrinkling in agitation when the only answer he was met with was a noncommittal hum and Sae squeezing him even tighter—seriously, his ribs were starting to hurt again despite the painkillers!

Right before falling asleep in the Uber, Rin had resolved himself to simply take Sae’s gestures of affection for what they were and what comfort they could bring him in the moment… but the spontaneity of this seemingly-random hug paired with the strange way Sae had been desperately calling out to him earlier was enough for him to seem the gesture not comforting and beneficial, so he quickly moved to shove the other off of him. “What the hell, Sae…” he hissed, cringing a little as a pang of sharp pain shot through his chest when he brought a hand up to prod at his ribs. “That fucking hurt, bastard… and what makes you think you’re allowed to hug me whenever you feel like it?” He growled, narrowing his eyes sharply but startling a little when Sae’s expression morphed into one of pure regret and guilt.

“I- sorry…” Sae apologized immediately, his hand reaching out towards the sore spot in Rin’s chest in a way that looked purely instinctual but, luckily for the both of them, he had the common-sense to stop before actually reaching out fully. “I didn’t mean to hurt you… are you okay?” He frowned and Rin was startled to find how strained his turquoise eyes seemed; it looked like the prospect of having an accident hurt Rin was tearing him apart… but Rin found it difficult to feel anything aside from contempt and annoyance at the sight—where the hell had this concern and basic human-decency been while Sae had been purposefully hurting him, huh?

Simply so he wouldn’t have to deal with anymore of Sae’s insistent coddling and worry, Rin begrudgingly nodded his head ‘yes’. “I’m fine…” he admitted hesitantly, on the verge of simply letting the whole incident go before he was sorely reminded of the unanswered portion of his earlier question. “But what makes you think you can hug me whenever you want?” He repeated identically to the first time, knowing that he was giving Sae a particularly hard time for no real reason, but he was staying true to his resolve from the Uber; he would accept Sae’s love when it was convenient for him, but he still had no intention of giving the other an easy time—hm, that actually gave him quite the good idea; if Sae was so determined to prove his love and regret, then maybe Rin should put that to the test? Maybe- as a means of both deciding whether or not Rin ever would be open to the idea of truly forgiving and reconciling with Sae and just having petty, spiteful fun, Rin should purposefully give him as hard a time as possible?

If Sae’s resolve cracked and gave way under the pressure of his torment and challenge, then Rin would conclude that, no, he would never forgive nor seek out repairing their relationship… but, if Sae really did weather this entire month without reverting back to his cold, cruel self from before any of this happened, Rin might feel inclined to lean towards the option of seeking a true confrontation and reconciliation with him… and what better time to start testing Sae’s resolve and determination than now? “Just because I chose to spend the month at home with you doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly allowed to do whatever you want… don’t fucking touch me without permission.” He snapped suddenly, his voice laced with pure venom as he spoke… and, honestly, a part of him had been fearfully expecting Sae’s resolve to crumble right there and then, consequently marking the day he abandoned Rin for the second time… but, rather than get startled, upset, or look even the slightest bit frustrated, Sae simply regarded him with a neutral look for a few long, awkward moments before giving him a sheepish nod.

“Ah- okay… sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep or hurt your ribs.” He apologized without hesitation, his gaze sharpening into something determined and unfaltering as he met Rin’s own with a surprising amount of confidence and certainty. “I promise I won’t overstep your boundaries again.” He promised firmly and, despite Rin’s instinctive urge to immediately file any ‘promise’ Sae made to him as bullshit, he couldn’t help but find the sincerity in the others expression undeniably earnest; it seemed that his resolve to take care of Rin wouldn’t crumble with one mere attack.

Blinking dumbly a few times as he comprehended the surprisingly submissive yet also assuring way Sae handled his first ever challenge, Rin stood frozen in disbelief for a few still moments before finally managing to snap himself out of it.”I- then… good.” He huffed with an embarrassing amount of frustration given for the fact Sae had handled his provokation the most respectful, mature way possible. “Good.” He repeated again awkwardly, gritting his teeth and forcibly prying his gaze away from Sae’s before turning towards the fridge and pretending to busy himself while, in reality, he was simply trying to both physically and mentally cool off from his self-inflicted humiliation… But, unfortunately for him, Sae’s submissive streak seemed to end the second he moved to actually open the fridge, once again replaced by the annoying, fretting helicopter-like persona he’d recently adapted.

“Are you hungry?” His voice called out and, when Rin closed the fridge, he was startled to find Sae directly behind it—seriously, how the fuck was this guy so quiet and stealthy all the time? “Do you want me to order more food? Or- since all the food in the fridge is definitely bad by now, should we go grocery shopping? I can-“

“I’m not hungry.” Rin interrupted without warning, once again lamenting on how uncharacteristically nervous Sae seemed to be whenever he rambled- or, well… Now that he was closer and Rin was getting a better look at his expression, rather than nervous he seemed to actually be… eager? Was he truly that determined to aid him even in such an insignificant, trivial way? If that was the case, then Rin was begrudging to admit to himself that he felt a tiny bit bad for having cut him off—he really shouldn’t be feeling bad on account of the fact that Rin would be purposefully going out of his way to provoke and torment Sae from now in, but he couldn’t help the way his heart urged him to offer the other at least a little bit of reprieve for now. “Or- I… just order something.” He huffed shortly, resenting the way his heart squeeze with endearment when Sae’s entire face seemed to light up when informed that he could actually be of use—seriously, seeing such enthusiasm on a face that had rarely expressed anything beyond disinterest and contempt was honestly starting to freak Rin out a little bit.

“What do you want?” Sae hummed, wasting no time to pull out his phone and turn back to Rin to give him a questioning, infuriatingly thoughtful look. “I think I saw a restaurant that looked kind of new on the drive back if you want to try something different, or should I get something familiar?” He asked, tilting his head to the side in a way that rivaled an innocent, eager child—yeah, Rin was 100% never going to get used to this.

“I- it doesn’t matter. You choose.” He replied with a short, bratty huff, and Rin was almost put-off but how easy it was to entertain a conversation with Sae—it was a trivial, unimportant one that Rin couldn’t seem to add to without comical amounts of unnecessary snark and bite, but it was still a conversation nonetheless; being with Sae was still painful and confusing… but he hadn’t expected the way they both fell into an awkward, yet almost-calm rhythm fairly easily.

Settling himself down in the couch and letting his head fall back as he listened to the distant sound of Sae tapping his phone, Rin took a few still moments to acknowledge what it felt like to be home again after two full weeks; surprisingly, it didn’t sting as much as he had been expecting it to—he’d been certain that returning to what had basically been his isolated, mind-numbing prison for years would have had some sort of negative effect on him—but it also hadn’t offered him anywhere near as much relief as he’d been hoping to have returned back to a place of familiarity; though, he supposed that familiarity wasn’t exactly a good thing if it was rooted in something perceived as inherently bad and and unpleasant. “Dammit…” he cursed out quietly with a weak, exhausted sigh, but Sae’s sudden presence beside him didn’t allow him for much moping time. “Huh-“ he breathed out, scowling a little when he opened his eyes to find Sae sat down almost directly next to him… but also not close enough for them to actually physically be touching. “What are you doing?” He confronted flatly, his scowl deepening when Sae turned to give him a sheepish look while holding up a remote and pointing towards the TV.

“Watching TV.” He answered simply, apparently not at all deterred by Rin’s death glare nor the blatant huff of annoyance… so Rin decided he would satisfy his frustration and boredom by once again testing the limits of Sae patience.

“What if I don't want to watch TV?” Rin countered, internally smirking when Sae gave him a small, almost imperceptible frown. “What if I just want to sit in silence?” He challenged, welcoming the entitled, bratty lithe that dripped from his voice as it would only serve to worsen the effects of his taunting.

“Then I won’t watch TV. We can do what you want.” Sae shrugged without missing a beat, immediately moving to drop the remote and settle back into the couch, his expression and posture seemingly completely unbothered by Rin’s attempts at provoking.

Internally seething with a frustration that wasn’t at all rational—seriously, why was he so upset by Sae’s patience? Wasn’t it ultimately a good thing for both of them if he didn’t succumb to his taunting?—Rin absolutely refused to quit without drawing a reaction that resembled the cruel, heartless monster that he was certain Sae still harbored underneath the layers of discerning kindness. “What if I want you to go away?” He growled darkly, internally smirking in triumph when Sae’s eyebrow twitched a little bit before he turned back to Rin to give him a mild look.

“Well, then I’m sorry that I can’t do that for you.” Sae replied simply, the genuinely apologetic sparkle in his eyes paired with the cool, unfaltering way he spoke those words as if they were a simple fact enough to momentarily stun Rin.

“What…?” He began darkly, initially viewing Sae’s nonchalance as him simply snapping back with enough snark to meet Rin’s taunt… but, sensing the sudden animosity and frustration crackling in the air, Sae hurried to clarify his words, consequently stunning Rin even further.

“I know that you only agreed to spend the month with me because you didn’t want to be forced to stay in the hospital, and I know that you probably don’t want anything to do with me… but I'm sorry to say that I can’t go away… and that’s not even just because I’m legally bound to you for the next month. I don’t care if you hate me or give me a hard time every single day, I’m not going to leave you alone in this damn house for any longer.” He eventually finished with a long, weary exhale… but his expression spoke of nothing but pure, unrelenting determination.

Opening and closing his mouth a few times in a way that he imagined was embarrassingly identical to a fish out of water, Rin stuttered and floundered through a few failed attempts at speaking as his heart begged and urged him to simply accept the impossibly loving, caring gesture without a fight… but, his somewhat-contradictory desire to see Sae crack under the pressure and prove every single accusation Rin had towards him right was too overwhelming. “Heh…” he chuckled out bitterly, shaking his head before turning away, muttering words so soft and inaudible that he wasn’t entirely sure if he’d actually said the aloud or not:

“We’ll see about that…”

Chapter Text

After getting shoved away and denied a hug, Sae could practically feel the evident shift in Rin’s demeanor, and his hunch was quickly solidified by his little brother’s blatantly purposeful attempts at provoking when he’d tried to turn on the TV for some background noise; Rin was testing him… and, opposite to what one would most likely expect Sae’s reaction to be to that discovery, he wasn’t upset or dreading the hardships he’d undoubtedly have to endure at the mercy of his little brother… but rather excited and elated. Yes, Rin testing him meant that he was now pressured by the prospect of failing—well, to be fair… that had always been something Sae had worried about even before Rin started purposefully challenging him—but it also meant that he had the chance to succeed; to prove himself… and that was literally the best case scenario Sae could’ve ever hoped to earn—aside from being immediately forgiven, but he wasn’t foolish or selfish enough to ever entertain that fantasy to actually be plausible.

Maybe Sae should’ve been more concerned that his every move would now be under even more inspection and scrutiny than ever before… but he honestly had zero doubt in his ability to keep calm and endure anything he was tested with. There was literally nothing Rin could possibly do, say, or attempt that could make Sae feel even an inkling of genuine frustration or impatience that he feared could lead to him lashing out with… meaning that, unless Rin’s grudge ran so deep that he would resent and ‘fail’ Sae regardless of how well he performed this next month, Sae’s path to apologizing and possibly even earning reconciliation was clearer and more straightforward than it had ever been!

He was unable to suppress the small, giddy smile that had stretched across his face when the DoorDash worker arrived at their house, and he just barely managed to reign it in when he turned back to find Rin sulking at the dinner table, his expression one of begrudging acceptance. “I ordered food from that new restaurant I told you about.” Sae hummed, moving to join his little brother at the dinner table. “I got the ochazuke… you still like that, right?” He asked, taking the initiative to rifle through the bag and pull Rin’s food out for him when it looked like the other wouldn’t do it himself—he probably didn’t want to give Sae the satisfaction of seeing his eagerness to eat; cute. “If you don’t, I also ordered a few other things in case you feel like something else.” He explained, moving to carefully set a plastic fork into his little brother’s hand when he still made no attempt at reaching out for the meal or any utensils.

Sae had been moments away from cracking open his own dish before the sound of Rin’s quiet, biting voice interrupted him. “I don’t want this.” He explained flatly, giving Sae a cold, snarky look before turning his head away in rejection… but Sae, having just mentally and emotionally prepared himself to endure abrupt, petty challenges like this barely even blinked.

Setting his fork down and taking a few moments to calculate what would be the most beneficial way to respond to Rin’s challenge, Sae eventually decided that being straightforward and accepting was once again the best path to take. “That’s okay… I can put yours in the fridge to save it for later if you don’t want it.” He hummed in patient acknowledgement, suppressing a slightly amused smirk when Rin once again looked startled by his cooperation—it really was heartbreaking to an extent that his little brother found gestures of such trivial patience from Sae to be shocking and unbelievable… but it was also impossibly endearing to see Rin’s nose scrunch up in that indignant, frustrated way that it did whenever Sae didn’t respond in the way he’d been so clearly searching for. “Do you want me to order something else? Or should I go buy some groceries and cook you something? I’m not a chef, but I can try my hand at any kind of dish if you know the name of the recipe.” He offered quickly, already sensing that Rin would have most likely requested something else solely in attempt piss Sae off anyways—too bad for him there was literally nothing he could do to make Sae angry at this point; Rin could snarkily demand that he wanted something as ridiculous as for him to run a gauntlet through literal hell and Sae would still readily attempt to meet his request.

Once again, Rin seemed utterly baffled by Sae’s quick and easy compliance with his petty demands—something that was extremely amusing and adorable, in Sae’s opinion; he obviously would like for Rin to eventually realize that he was safe to request anything without running risk of being a bother, but Sae felt he also wouldn’t mind if his reactions stayed like this for a while… It was very endearing to watch the cogs in his brain turn as he undoubtedly worked to come up with a new method of taunting. “Whatever…” he eventually decided on with a huff, shooting Sae a scowl before snatching his ochazuke and purposefully leaning as far away from him as he possibly could while still remaining in his seat—seriously, Sae knew he should be treating this situation with a little more severity and worry seeing as it would ultimately lay the foundation of his and Rin’s possible reconciliation and the future of their relationship as a whole… but seeing Rin stuffing his cheeks while occasionally shooting Sae a dirty glare that had all the intimidation-factor of a very angry hamster was way too hilarious to take seriously.

After they finished eating—and after receiving many, many glares—Sae moved to wordlessly clean up their mess, smiling a little when Rin begrudgingly handed him his trash before immediately retreating back to the safety of his couch. “Do you wanna watch TV now?” Sae couldn’t stop himself from asking when he noticed the lethargic, dazed sheen that glazed over his little brother's eyes by the time he’d finished cleaning up.

“No!” Rin snapped almost immediately… but Sae could practically feel the stubbornness radiating from his unconvincing facade of disnertest, so he felt that now would be an adequate time to coax Rin into being a tad bit less spiteful; it was for his own good… Sae wasn’t an expert by any means, but he highly doubted that sitting in a bored silence was beneficial to someone suffering from depression.

“Hm…” Sae hummed, nodding patiently as he settled back on the cushion next to Rin, careful to keep his voice as understanding and non-threatening as possible. “Are you sure? It’s still only midday… it might get a little boring to sit in silence.” Sae was aware of how condescending it might sound to be speaking to Rin as if he were still a small child who needed everything thoroughly explained to him, but it seemed to have the intended effect regardless.

Right before it looked like he was on the verge of once again snapping and denying Sae’s suggestion, Rin suddenly froze, presumably weighing maintaining his stubborn pride against having entertainment for the next few hours… and it seemed that his desire to not be bored out of his mind eventually won out. “Whatever.” He huffed—he huffed a lot; it was quite adorable—not making any move to retrieve the TV remote himself, so Sae eventually caught on that his ‘whatever’ was merely a begrudging acceptance for him to put something on while Rin simply tolerated it.

Sae wasn’t exactly sure of Rin’s love for horror movies extended to the point where the only thing he ever watched had to be in that genre, so after asking for input and once again being met with a disinterested ‘whatever’—Rin’s brand new catchphrase—he eventually decide on something that wasn’t quite the graphic, disturbing horror that usually met his little brother’s criteria, but was still something along the lines of an entertaining thriller. “This looks interesting.” Sae lamented aloud, not because he thought the show actually looked interesting in the slightest—he wasn’t the biggest fan of horror or thrillers; too loud and chaotic for his tastes—but simply because he thought Rin might find it interesting as was hoping to at least direct his attention towards the show.

“Hm.” Rin hummed shortly and Sae couldn’t quite tell if that was an agreement, rejection, or simply just an acknowledgment but, at the very least, Rin’s attention did seem to direct towards the TV and a little bit of that glazed over bordering seemed to melt away… so a win was a win.

Despite how uncomfortable and dirty Sae felt from not having taken the opportunity to shower again, he eventually found himself lulling into a sleepy daze as the hours passed and the show progress—not that he was paying any attention to it—but, his almost-relaxation didn’t last for very long when he registered the TV being turned off and Rin dislodging from his position in the couch. “Where are you going?” Sae frowned, blinking tiredly when Rin glanced back to give him an annoyed, impatience look paired with an incredibly sassy roll of the eyes.

“To shower and go to sleep, what else?” He explained shortly, already halfway through the hallway and towards the stairs before a hand on his shoulder suddenly stopped him. “Hey- I told you not to fucking touch me-” Rin hissed, narrowing his eyes and turning back to face him… but noticeably faltering when he undoubtedly caught sight of the anxiety coursing through Sae’s entire being.

Sae wasn’t sure why his brain hadn’t reasoned that Rin would have to take a shower before heading to bed, but with the reminder he’d felt his anxiety flare to new heights and, before he could even think about stopping himself, he’d desperately leapt up to stop Rin before he could return to that cursed bathroom. “You…” Sae began weakly, having absolutely zero clue as to how he was supposed to express his worry without sounding like a control-freak lunatic: ‘Hey, Rin… I know you have to shower and all, but do you mind if I- like… stand outside the door and listen in to make sure that you don’t draw a bath and attempt to drown yourself in it’? Yeah… fuck that; even Sae—as anxiety-ridden and paranoid as he was—thought that sounded fucking crazy. “You won’t try to hurt yourself… will you?” Okay, definitely not the most gentle or eloquent of ways to phrase his concern, but he wasn’t sure what else to do if not simply be straightforward and honest. “I mean… you- in the hospital you said that… you would take those baths and…” he trailed off, removing his hand from Rin’s shoulder and averting his eyes, fully expecting to be screamed at for his inconsiderate bluntness… but, to his surprise, when he found the courage to meet his little brother’s gaze again, he was startled to find something close to sympathy in it—was Rin feeling sympathetic for his anxiety and worry?

Sighing and shaking his head before purposefully turning his back towards Sae—assumedly so they would have to look eye-to-eye anymore—Rin seemed to hesitate for a few moments before eventually speaking words that Sae was startled to realize were an attempt to assure his worries. “I won’t do anything stupid…” he huffed, his tone one of shortness and impatience… but it was hard to take those at face value when considering the intention of his words to begin with. “Stop freaking out all the time… I intend to head back to Bluelock as soon as this is all over and I’m not stupid enough to purposefully weaken myself any more.” He explained, his voice eventually losing its temperamental edge and tapering off into something more quiet and reserved… and, despite how anxious and skeptical Sae was, he couldn’t help but acknowledge the raw sincerity that his little brother spoke with.

“I… okay.” Sae nodded after a few beats of still silence, not sure what else he was supposed to say in a situation like this… so, after pausing to watch Rin’s figure ascend the stairs for a few moments, Sae quickly snapped himself out of his stupor and hurried to trail after him, shooting his now-closed and locked bathroom door one last nervous, hesitant glance before eventually making his way into the guest bathroom to freshen himself up as well. “Please don’t do anything stupid, Rin…” he whispered to himself in pleading as he worked through his shower routine as quickly as humanly possible before drying off, redressing, and immediately rushing back into the hallway to see if Rin had finished… and predictably, he hadn’t.

Sae didn’t allow himself to freak out and kick down the bathroom door immediately seeing as his own shower had been unreasonably quick and the evident sound of the shower still running meant that Rin couldn’t have drawn himself a bath… but that didn’t mean he didn’t hover awkwardly in the hallway, his ears desperately straining for any kind of off-putting or alarming noises all the way up until Rin finished, unlocked the door, and scowled when their eyes locked. “Were you standing there this entire time like some sort of creep?” He hissed darkly but, upon further inspection, Sae concluded that Rin was merely mildly annoyed rather than genuinely disgusted or disturbed.

“No.” Sae spoke out without thinking, hurriedly rushing to save himself from his blatant lie by purposefully misdirecting the context of the question… but his excuse was so trivial that he doubted it worked to do anything aside from make him look like an idiot. “I showered.” Is what he eventually came up with and, thankfully, it seemed that Rin was much too exhausted to further the confrontation… but he sure as hell held no reserves about it when Sae moved to follow him into his bedroom, a recently retrieved pillow and blanket tucked under his arm.

“You- what the hell do you think you’re doing now?” Rin scowled darkly, pointedly eyeballing the pillow Sae had retrieved. “I fucking hope you don’t think that you’re about to sleep next to me or some bullshit… because if you try that I will physically kick you out of my room right now.” He warned, straightening his posture up to he could loom at his full height… something that would’ve been intimidating if, one, Sae’s initial intentions were to try and sleep next to Rin in his bed and, two, if he weren’t his older brother and actually had the capacity to see Rin as anything beyond a cute, bluffing little six year old.

“I’m not.” Sae countered easily, making a show of dropping his pillow and blanket on the floor in the opposite side of the room from Rin. “I’ll sleep on the floor… but I’m not going to leave you alone in your room without supervision.” He explained simply, his resolve unfaltering even under the weight of the sheer annoyance and anusmosty radiating from Rin.

“What- because you’re worried I’m going to try and hurt or kill myself again in the middle of the night?” Rin bit, his voice dripping with pure, unfiltered venom… but, once again, he seemed utterly caught off guard and baffled when Sae nodded without reserve.

“Yes.” Sae agreed flatly, moving to making himself ‘comfortable’—in quotes because sleeping on the floor was very much not comfortable—before turning back towards Rin. “I don’t say that to upset you or make it seem like I don’t trust you… but depression is hardly rational and I don’t trust it to not convince you into doing something bad to yourself.” He explained straightforwardly, feeling slight stirring of guilt when he imagined how uncomfortable it must feel for Rin to be so blatantly called out in such a touchy, sensitive subject… but he didn’t want to dance around the truth when it came to things like this; it would only end up hurting the both of them even further.

After what felt like a full minute of strained, awkward silence, Rin eventually flicked off his lamp, settled in his bed, and purposely turned away from Sae without a single word of protest or acknowledgement… meaning that, despite his obvious begrudgement to comply, he was silently giving Sae the ‘okay’—or, well… more like the ‘whatever’—to stay.

With a tired but satisfied yawn, Sae let his head fall back into his lumpy, uncomfortable pillow… but he hardly had the mind to pay his physical discomfort any though when his mind was happily replaying all of the small, yet meaning victories and milestones he’d reached with Rin today…

Even if Rin’s recovery would be something like two steps forward, one step back from now on…

Sae wouldn’t allow his patience to falter for even a second.

Chapter Text

Rin felt like he was caught between two contradictory, polar-opposite desires that rocked his boat back and forth without reprieve; on one hand, he desperately wanted to win… to push Sae until he cracked and eventually proved every single accusation Rin ever had about him correct… but, on the other hand, he wanted Sae to stay; he didn’t want the small rays of sunshine that peeked through the dark, stormy clouds to disappear and once again cast him into that endless, isolated darkness…

But, again, he just couldn’t help the uncontrollable, screaming urge to test and challenge Sae literally every step of the way; they’d been at home together for a total of three full days now and, plagued by the lethargy and boredom that came with depression, Rin couldn’t bring himself to find amusement in literally anything that wasn’t him trying to purposefully provoke Sae… which was why it was even more unfortunate—but at the same time not—that he couldn’t draw any kind of reaction out of the guy no matter how hard he tried! Nothing worked! Being, bratty, difficult, and selfish hadn’t gotten Sae to do much as blink… and even when Rin had upped his game and began to purposefully seek out and create situations optimal for taunting and torment, Sae’s kind, patience demeanor hadn’t faltered for even a second.

Without even a single misstep or falter, Sae had been the epitome of a kind, patient, loving caretaker… and it was really starting to piss Rin off! He was torn down the middle in regards to whether he was open to eventually confronting and possibly reconciling with Sae, but it still pissed him off to an extent that the other was making it so hard to remain uncertain! Again, he was ultimately tormenting and challenging Sae as a means to test his sincerity and the extent of his patience—well, that and the amusement generated from being able to act like a spiteful, petty brat to the person who had harmed him was basically Rin’s only lifeline right now—but that didn’t mean he wasn’t bias; yes, a part of him wanted Sae’s to prove himself… but the other half was bitter, begrudging, and wanted to see him fail just for the spite of it—even if that might be at the expense of Rin’s own wellbeing.

“Annoying bastard…” Rin cursed to himself quietly, startling and flinching in a way that had to have bordered on comical when a finger tapped on his shoulder with the utmost delicacy. “Wha- oh… what do you want?” He spat, scowling when he whipped his head around to find Sae standing behind him—speak of the devil! “Why are you hovering over me like some sort of creep?” He hissed, soaking his voice with so much venom he might rival a snake’s… but, as per usual, Sae only regarded him mildly for a few moments before shrugging.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Sae apologized immediately… and that was also something Rin found to be incredibly annoying; Sae—the personification of ego and the embodiment of unapologetic pride—had gotten eerily comfortable when it came to apologizing to him. “I just wanted to ask if maybe you’d like to go to the grocery store with me?” He asked, tilting his head to the side in a way that made him look infuriatingly innocent and genuine—what right did he have to look so sincere like that!?

“Why the hell would I want to go with you?” Rin spared no emphasis on the ‘you’; he wanted to make sure Sae felt personally attacked… it would boost the likelihood of him eventually angering. “Fuck off…” he cursed angrily, giving the other a flat, uninterested look before turning back to what he was doing—which was… staring at the empty fridge in longing as his stomach rumbled; fuck.

“You seem hungry and I don’t want to only feed you DoorDash. Some of it is healthy-ish, but a lot of it is junk food and that won’t be good for your physical or mental recovery.” Sae began patiently, apparently choosing to completely ignore Rin’s rude, offensive dismissal of his offer to further his explanation. “Plus, you’ve seemed really bored this past few days, and I think that getting a little bit of fresh air and a change of scenery would be good for you.” He finished and Rin hated the way his turquoise eyes sparkled with genuine sincerity and thoughtfulness as he spoke… almost as much as he hated the fact that- yes, he’d actually brought up an incredibly good point that Rin found difficult to argue against.

His first instinctual reaction was to curse and glare until Sae eventually gave up… but, despite the fact that Rin was purposefully going out of his way to torment and spite Sae’s every move, he’d also resolved himself in the Uber a few days ago to accepting certain gestures of care and aid whenever he deemed them to be comforting and beneficial to himself… and, regardless of how much he didn’t want to admit it, getting out of the house and picking up fresh ingredients sounded incredibly appealing—DoorDashing was fine, but Rin’s stomach wasn’t exactly keen on the drastic change from bland, neutral hospital food to eating out every meal for three full days. “…fine.” He growled through gritted teeth, despising the way his chest warmed a little at the sight of Sae’s eyes lighting up with visibly hope and excitement at his acceptance—just because Rin craved the sunlight and warmth didn’t mean he couldn’t also find it annoying at the same time; two things could exist at once, as he was confusedly coming to discover.

“Really?” Sae breathed out as if Rin’s agreement had the cosmic rarity of a solar-eclipse—well, to be fair… when taking into account how distant and spiteful he’d been purposefully acting these past few days, Rin couldn’t exactly blame Sae if he really had started to believe the idea of his cooperation to be a myth. “What time do you want to go? It’s only 8:00 AM right now and the closest grocery store opens at around 8:30… do you want to get there early so we can beat the rush and get all the best produce, or do you want to wait until later if you’re still too groggy? We can do either one, I don’t mind.” He managed all in one breath, his excitement and eagerness to hear Rin’s answer to such a boring, trivial question rivaling that of a small child about to go on a rollercoaster—it was endearing… but only in an annoying, pathetic sort of way!

A little startled by Sae’s enthusiasm—he really shouldn’t be by now… hell- Sae had even looked like he was on the verge of doing a victory lap around the house when Rin had taken his morning ibuprofen with only a mild fight rather than the severer ones that had preceded the last two days—Rin simply stood there, baffled and floundering like an idiot for a few long, humiliating seconds before the murky water clogging his brain seemed to drain. “We can go now…” he mumbled out begrudgingly, trying to ignore the predictably excited, border-line beaming grin Sae gave him—that was another creepy habit he’d picked up; Sae had started to grin at him—before nodding and rushing off, presumably to go find clothing suitable for an outing.

Rin had practically been living in a few identical sets of shirts and pairs of comfy-pants these past few days, and he really didn't care to sacrifice said comfort simply so a few grocery store-going strangers would be spared the eyesore that was his disheveled, ungroomed appearance—don’t get him wrong, he still showered, brushed his teeth, and maintained the baseline cleanliness that any sane, decent human-being would care to maintain… it’s just that he wasn’t as put-together and professional-looking as he would’ve preferred to be before any of this happened; good thing he wasn’t looking to impress anyone in the condiment aisle.

“Are you going to go in those clothes?” Sae’s voice called out to him, once again startling him out of his daze—he’d been zoning out a lot ever since the hospital. “It might be better if you change-“

“Why? Is my appearance not acceptable enough for you to be seen in my presence?” Rin snapped without warning, gritting his teeth and balling up his trembling, rage-fatigued fists as an unexpected, sudden wave of pure anger and resentment crashed over him without warning, leaving Rin gasping and scrambling with no other means of coping aside from lashing out at Sae even further. “Are you ashamed to be seen with such a broken, pathetic mess like me? With… with a defective product!?” He hissed darkly, his mood only worsening when he remembered the way Sae himself had first spat those exact words at him and, before he knew it, he was on the verge of seething with resentment and humiliation—seriously, one second he’d been fine and the next he felt like he was seconds away from crying and punching a wall; what the hell was going on?—but… before he had the chance to sink down into the icy depths and devolve into a truly rage-blinded panic-attack, a feather-light, gentle pressure on his head snapped him out of it. “Wha-“ he began dumbly when he registered Sae’s sudden close-proximity and the hand he’d brought up to rest and pat at Rin’s head.

“I- no! Rin… I’m not ashamed?” Sae rushed to assure almost immediately, his turquoise eyes shining with sincerity, panic, and sadness; a deep, aching, regretful sadness that reflected a weary, suffering soul… and it was precisely the stun-factor of seeing such an earnestly sorrowful emotion in Sae’s expression that momentarily subdued Rin enough to allow the other to finish speaking. “I couldn’t ever be ashamed… not of you.” he sighed with a small, regretful smile and Rin almost physically flinched back when he saw the gleaming sparkle of a watery sheen glazing Sae’s eyes. “You’re not a defective product, Rin… not even close, and you shouldn’t ever think that you have to be ‘worthy’ or ‘acceptable’ for someone to want to be around you, especially not me of all people…” with that he faltered slightly before trailing off and taking a moment to take a deep, steadying breath. “I know this probably doesn’t mean very much to you anymore on account of what I’ve done, but you should know that I’m proud of you, Rin. I’m so proud that you’ve stayed so strong during these past few weeks, and I’m proud that you’re fighting so hard to recover… and I- just-“ his voice cracked and Rin was at a complete loss to realize that a tear had broken free from its confines and had actually slipped down his cheek, leaving a prominent tear-track in its wake. “I know I promised to not stir up anything from the past without your permission, but I can’t help it this time at least… I just have to say that I’m sorry. You’re not broken or pathetic, and you are far from being anything even remotely close to a defective product…” he explained, scoffing and shaking his head seemingly at the cruel, abusive words he’d once aimed at Rin that night in the snow. “I can’t ever take back what I said to you, and I’ll live with that regret for the rest of my life… but, please- please don’t let what I said—or might say in the future—dictate your own sense of self-worth, whether that be in a positive or negative way. You have no idea how amazing you are, Rin… I- just don’t ever forget that, okay? Don’t ever let anyone—especially me—stop you from seeing how much you’re worth or what you can achieve… okay?” He finished with a barely audible whisper, his eyes—while still sparkling with tears and sorrow—sharpening with something like determined confidence; confidence he was trying to insteel in Rin.

For a while, Rin simply stared, his eyes wide and his expression one of absolute dumbfoundedness as his brain first struggled to process Sae’s words simply due to the length of his speech and then once again when the weight of said words finally began to register and click into place. “You’re… proud of me?” Rin repeated dumbly, fighting the urge to scoff and chuckle with bitter disbelief even as the words left his mouth.

Sae… was proud of him? But why? What was there to be proud of? He couldn’t beat Isagi during the U-20 match, he’d tried to kill himself to escape from the pain and suffering of his life, and he’d been absolutely useless and pathetic during the entire duration of these past few days… What was proud about any of that? Rin couldn’t find anything… and yet, when he eventually found the courage to once again gaze into Sae’s eyes, he found sincerity, love, and what could inly be described as ‘proudness’ in its purest, most unfiltered form.

“I- yes.” Sae nodded in reassurance without hesitation, his mouth stretching into a weak and wobbly, yet warm smile despite the tears still slipping from his eyes. “I’m so proud of you for so many different reasons that I wish I could express to you in full right now, but I don't want to overstep more than I already have…” he sighed, his expression taking on a strange look of far-away, distance appreciation almost as if he were imaging an ideal world where his desires could come to pass… but it just as quickly shaped into something more alert; something worried and concerned even. “But- that’s not the point you should take away from what I just told you, Rin.” Sae told him firmly, emphasizing his point by bringing both hands up to cradle Rin’s face as he forced them both to stay eye-to-eye without falter. “Yes, I’m so proud of you… but you should not let that govern your sense of self-worth, precisely as you shouldn’t let the awful things I said to you before either. I know that my opinion is important to you- or, well… it was. Probably not anymore though-“ Sae barked out a short, bitterly amused laugh at his own self-deprecation. “-but that’s my point. You should be proud of yourself not because me or anyone else says so, but because you deserve it… and you shouldn’t ever let anyone take that away from you for as long as you live.” Sae finished with a long exhale, the passion and insistence he spoke with leaving him looking breathless… and, once again, Rin was at a complete and utter loss.

Proud… of himself? Rin had never really stopped to allow himself to feel any sense of accomplishment or pride at having achieved such amazing feats in such a short time—he’d been way too busy desperately clawing and chasing at scraps of Sae’s approval and attention—but, now the very person who’s acknowledgement he once craved, who had gone out of his way to tear and shred Rin’s sense of pride and self-love until there was nothing left… was now not only passionately and determinedly expressing the extent of how proud he was, but also desperately trying to build Rin’s confidence to the point of feeling proud of himself?

As the cogs and gears screeched to a halt and absolutely refused to even attempt at processing everything he’d just absorbed, Rin found himself at a complete and utter loss for words… so, in a blind, panicked scramble, he resorted back to his most natural instinct: doubt. “Then why did you ask me to change my clothes?” He asked as he narrowed his eyes and pryed himself out of Sae’s grasp.

“Oh- well… it’s usually cold in grocery stores and I figured you might get uncomfortable with a short-sleeve shirt…” Sae explained with a shrug and awkward smile, trailing off to reach for a hoodie he’d presumably grabbed from upstairs before holding it up and waving it around for emphasis. “Rin… I promise I didn’t mean it as some sort of insult or hint-“

“Whatever.” Rin snapped before he could finish but, even as he glared daggers into Sae, he couldn’t help the way his annoyance faltered and trailed off almost immediately… quickly replaced by an aching sense of confusion and contradictory emotions that he didn’t quite know how to deal with.

Dark, towering waves ruthlessly thrashed against him, threatening and trying their very best to drag him down into their silent, eternal depths… but, at the same time, a bright, warming sunlight that offered Rin a stunning view of the beautiful, sparkling turquoise waters around him cast it’s light through the clouds, lighting him a clear, straightforward path back towards his little boat of reprieve and rest… and it wasn’t long before he—with a lot of effort and struggle—managed to flail his way back over to it and pull himself aboard… but, despite having found momentary relief in having successfully returned to his safety and in the way the warm, comforting rays of sunlight continued to shine down upon him, the swirling ocean still crashed around him angrily…

And Rin had absolutely no idea how to feel about any of it.

Chapter Text

Sae wasn’t sure how a simple question of clothing preference had devolved into Rin spiraling, rehashing the horrible, cruel words Sae had spat at him that night in the snow, or the awkward, strained silence that had settled between them as their Uber carried them to the grocery store… similar to how he couldn’t comprehend how said question had also led to him going on a long, passionate tangent about ‘pride’ and ‘self-worth’ and everything along the lines… but, honesty, despite have definitely overstepped Rin’s boundaries in what was most-likely multiple different ways, Sae didn’t regret how things had played out; the words he’d spoken to his little brother were long overdue and he wouldn’t take them back even if he had the option to.

Seeing the fact that Rin so clearly still tied at least a part of his self-worth to the awful, horrible insults Sae had spat at him had been the final straw; how was he supposed to just sit back and watch his little brother suffer so dearly because of his selfish, inhumane mistakes? “Thank you…” Sae thanked their Uber-driver awkwardly, feeling a little bad that he’d so bluntly shut down the friendly man’s attempt at small-talk, but he just didn’t think he had the will to entertain such a shallow, surface level conversation even if he’d tried. “So- uhm… is there anything in particular that you’re wanting to buy, Rin?” He asked, internally cringing at how nervous and jumpy he sounded… but he just couldn’t help it!

“…no.” Rin’s dull, unreadable voice called back to him and, if Sae wasn’t met with that short, one-word answer, he would’ve thought Rin hadn’t heard him at all.

Ever since their little altercation, Rin’s mood had been entirely indecipherable and it was honestly starting to nag and chip away at Sae’s sanity… but not for the reason one would most likely think. Was he worried that, by overstepping and purposefully dredging up a confrontation about their twisted, scarred past he’d consequently reversed any and all progress he’d made with Rin over these past few painstaking weeks? Yes, more so than he could ever begin to express… but that was the selfish, self-centered part of him speaking; what he was truly worried about was what kind of an effect his words had had on Rin’s psyche and emotional-wellbeing.

Rin was incredibly sensitive and vulnerable right now and any kind of intense, upsetting confrontations—exactly like the one they’d just had—could do irreversible damage to his state-of-mind, or even hinder his recovery as a whole… and what Sae was most concered about was how Rin would react and process one specific part of his speech in particular: the part where Sae mentioned how proud he was.

Now, if Sae hadn’t been an emotionally abusive older brother these past few years, then praising and expressing his pride for his little brother wouldn’t exactly be a huge problem… But, when taking Rin’s emotional fragility into account, there was a slew of unhealthy, damaging ways he might process and absorb said praise; despite every disgusting, terrible thing he had ever done to his little brother, it was obvious that Rin still tied his personal sense-of-self and worth to what Sae expressed… and, under the very worst of circumstances, Rin would completely ignore everything Sae had been so desperately trying to explain to him about ‘being proud of himself’ and would simply continue to latch onto the praise he was offered by external sources.

Despite the fact that Sae no longer agreed with the cruel, inhumane methods he’d employed before any of this had happened—hell, more like he vehemently detested and despised them with every ounce of his being—he still held firm to the belief that Rin desperately needed to separate his self-worth, individuality, and ego from Sae’s influence one way or another; he needed to become his own person and realize that he was worthy of acceptance and acknowledgment regardless of what others told him, something that would ultimately be the very best-case-scenario and realistically had extremely low odds of actually coming to pass judging by how things were currently going… which was precisely why any poor, unfortunate soul who happened to be unlucky enough to see Sae’s droopy, disheveled self hovering over grape-bags with all the coherency of a corpse would probably describe him as a depressed, nervous-wreck—which, realistically, he was.

Sae wanted to be on the receiving end of Rin’s love, acknowledgment, and admiration with the depths of both his heart and soul… but, before any selfish, superficial desires of the such, he simply wanted his little brother to be happy and self-driven; something he didn’t think would ever be truly possible if his worst fears had come to pass and Rin had indeed taken Sae’s declaration of pride as an indicator of his self-worth… which is why, as much as his heart protested and resented the idea, he really hoped that Rin’s attitude towards him continued to remain somewhat distant and bitter; it would be a sign that he wasn’t in fact eagerly latching back into and immediately forgiving all of Sae’s mistreatment simply because he was being offered the praises and acknowledgment he’d been chasing after this entire time.

With a long, weary sigh, Sae shook himself from his thoughts, finally picked out a bag of grapes—the poor, hesitant looking child behind him seemed relieved that the strange, mopey-looking man that had been blocking his path of the grape-bags had finally gotten out of the way; so he was the poor, unfortunate soul unlucky enough to bear witness to Sae’s downfall—and turned on his heel to make his way towards Rin who seemed to be very meticulously observing, comparing, and inspecting the apples in his hands with an off-putting amount of focus, much to the confusion and hesitancy of the poor old couple patiently waiting behind him—seriously, these innocent people didn’t deserve to have to deal with the awkward, crackling tension that the Itoshi-brothers had brought with them. “Rin…” Sae called out quietly, shooting the elderly-couple behind them an apologetic smile that probably didn’t hold much assurance seeing as he currently looked like just as much of a mess as his oddly-focused little brother did. “Rin.” He called out again, a little more firmly this time when the other didn’t answer. “Rin? Are you-?”

“What?” Rin snapped, dropping the apples he held back into their boxes with a suddenness that made Sae internally cringe—they were undoubtedly bruised and ruined now—and he had been moments away from simply shaking his head and leaving Rin to his ‘peace’ out of fear of angering him further… But, upon further inspection, he realized that Rin’s snappy-attitude didn’t seem angry and annoyed so much as… confused and distracted; he was no doubt still contemplating and processing everything Sae had told him earlier. “…what.” He repeated again flatly, his voice a little quieter but equally as rough and uneven as before.

“Ah- nothing… it’s just- the elderly-couple behind you have been waiting a while.” Sae explained with an awkward look, once again turning back to offer the couple an apologetic smile that the old woman thankfully returned with a patient nod.

Blinking a few times before glancing over Sae’s shoulder, Rin seemed to take a full five seconds before processing the situation before his entire face erupted with a furious, dark-red blush. “Oh- I… I’m sorry.” He apologized awkwardly, almost tripping over his own two feet as he haphazardly backed away from the apple-crates with his hands raised in apologetic surrender, but Sae held out an arm to catch and steady him before he could… to which Rin gave him an indecipherable look before apologizing to the couple once again before embarrassedly storming off in the direction of the snack-aisle—okay, Sae knew that Rin’s little awkward freak-out was an obvious sign that he was still feeling confused and flustered from everything that had happened between them earlier, but it was such a relieving, amusing sight to see his little brother acting so… child-like; it just felt nice seeing him act like a normal, socially-awkward teenage rather than an resentful, depressed suicide-survivor.

“Are you okay, Rin?” Sae couldn’t stop himself from asking when he caught up despite already knowing how stupid the question sounded; of course Rin wasn’t ‘okay’, almost nothing about this situation was… but Sae’s emotional urges were hardly rational things—something he hated but readily accepted on account of believing it to be karma and retribution for his mistakes.

“M’fine.” Rin huffed shortly as he carefully inspected between two bags of gummy-worms that he had grabbed… but Sae had a sneaking suspicion that he was simply trying to avoid eye-contact seeing as he had absolutely despised gummy-candies ever since he was a a small child.

“Really?” Sae chuckled, unable to keep the amusement from peeking through his voice despite the tension and severity of the situation. “Because you’ve hated gummies ever since you were little. You even gagged up a gummy-worm one time because you found the texture so disgusting… so, unless you’ve suddenly developed a love for it, I think you might be wasting your time with those bags.” He mused quietly, just barely suppressing a smirk when Rin’s head whipped around to shoot him an absolutely scalding glare… but the light, pink blush that tinged his pale skin really helped to lessen its severity; he was embarrassed, it seemed.

“I- you… just shut up!” Rin huffed angrily, making a show of roughly throwing a bag of gummy-worms into the basket Sae held out of spite before turning on his heel and storming off in a seemingly random, unplanned direction to which Sae simply followed after him with a small, amused smirk on his face—he knew that Rin was either genuinely upset, being difficult as a means of challenging him, or maybe a mixture of both combined… but he would be lying if he said that his little brother’s bratty, teenage-sass wasn’t incredibly endearing and hilarious.

The rest of their outing went something along the lines of Sae silently following after Rin while occasionally receiving biting, resentful glares that always seemed to confuse and worry the innocent-bystanders that happened to catch sight of the whole ordeal… but, for whatever reason, Sae had the impression that Rin’s frustration and distance wasn’t so much a genuine byproduct of his disturbance and anger but rather just… performative, at this point—well, he supposed the angry, child-like pout that Rin seemed to subconscious make paired with the light-pink blush of embarrassment that hadn’t left his face was the reason of his ‘hunch’.

Eventually, after an amusing amount of laps around the store—something Sae was convinced Rin did just to spite him seeing as he was the one carrying the heavy basket—they eventually found themselves at the check-out at which Sae proceeded to pay for everything while Rin sulked and moped near the exit while he waited. “Are you sure there’s nothing else you need?” Sae hummed as he maneuvered the bags he held into a better position, half because he was genuinely asking out of thoughtfulness, and half because he wanted to inadvertently tease Rin for all the laps they did because of him.

“I’m sure.” Rin answered shortly, once again doing everything in his power to avoid as much eye contact as possible… something he maintained even as they waited for their Uber, sat together in silence, and eventually returned home.

“I noticed you bought ingredients for that fish and vegetable dish you liked when we were younger… Do you want me to make it for you?” Sae offered earnestly, startling a little when Rin paused to consider, looking to be on the verge of accepting the offer… but it seemed his pride and stubbornness eventually won out because he shook his head before snatching the bag out of Sae’s hand.

“I can make it myself.” Rin rejected flatly, scowling and hurrying over towards the kitchen to presumably prove his point… but, unfortunately for him, he seemed to have underestimated Sae’s desire to help and take care of him in literally any way, shape, or form.

“But I could help you.” Sae interjected, shrugging innocently when Rin paused his preparations to give him a cold, disinterested look. “Plus- you’ve always hated cutting raw fish.” He continued to reason determinedly, internally grinning in triumph when Rin’s disinterest seemed to falter under the weight of his reminder. “I can do that part for you while you steam the vegetables… that way it’ll be twice as fast… and I’ll wash the dishes when we’re done, too.” He added on quickly, knowing that he’d won when Rin let out a long, weary sigh before making a point of gesturing vaguely towards the direction of the ingredients bag.

Perfect… this was exactly what Sae was hoping for; Rin’s attitude remained distant and still somewhat-resentful meaning that he wasn’t about to forsake all of his pain and anger simply because he’d received acknowledgment, but he also didn’t seem to despise Sae to the point of completely rejecting his presence and aid as a whole.

Letting out a quiet, relieved breath, Sae didn’t even try to hide or suppress the way the corners of his mouth quirked upwards in a small, satisfied smile.

As of right now, things were still okay.

Chapter Text

Rin had survived the extent of their entire grocery shopping trip and yet he didn’t feel even the slightest bit closer to processing or comprehending what the hell Sae’s words meant to him. First of all, Sae had apologized for and expressed the alleged deep-seated regret he felt for ever having called Rin a ‘defective product’ that night in the snow, then he’d expressed how ‘proud he was’, and lastly he’d even gone as far out of his way to give Rin a long, passionate speech about being ‘deserving’ and ‘worthy’ of acknowledging his own worth? Who- was this even the same person that had been antagonizing and mercilessly mocking him three weeks ago, or had Sae been body-snatched by an inexplicably kinder, alien look-alike? He knew that Sae felt guilty and regretful for the things he’d done—something Rin still struggled to accept and wrap his mind around considering… everything—but going so far as to attempt at cultivating and nurturing Rin’s self-esteem back to health? That was a new extent of care and selflessness that he had not been anticipating.

He just had absolutely no idea how he was supposed to feel or react to any of it? Rin hadn’t exactly felt anything… significant when Sae had expressed his proudness; he had felt a flicker of satisfaction as his heart leapt with eagerness at having finally been acknowledged by the person he’d been chasing after for so long, but it didn’t last for very long before the dull, numbing resentment that he felt for Sae quickly filled its place… and, on top of that, Rin had barely even had any time to process the emotions swirling through him before Sae was spewing shit about ‘you deserve to be proud of yourself’ and ‘don’t let anything I’ve said in the past affect your sense of self-worth’, which… what!? Sae—the person who had gone so far out of his way to tear Rin’s ego down to miniscule little shreds—was actively trying to convince him to feel proud of himself? Seriously… as much as he hated to admit it, Sae’s display of undeniable selflessness had thrown in a complete look and, realistically, it was that aspect of what had happened that had left him feeling so vulnerable and confused above everything else.

Fully deconstructing the whole ‘you should be proud of yourself’ and ‘I’m proud of you’ aspect of their confrontation was way too confusing and complex for Rin’s exhausted, already-muddled brain to even begin to tackle with the hopes of eventually reaching a solid conclusion… which was precisely he chose to set it aside momentarily to deal with the much more relevant, yet equally as confusing realization that Sae’s actions were truly rooted in a pure, selfless love; before, he'd been willing to acknowledge that a part of the reason Sae was taking such good care of him and being so patient was because of ‘love’… but he also hadn’t been fully convinced that there wasn’t some kind of secret, selfish agendas woven beneath the silky, comforting surface-layers of his inexplicably kind gestures… but he really didn’t believe that to be true anymore.

Sae had sacrificed a month of football in Spain to take care of him and, now, he was actively trying to convince Rin of something that would ultimately make him harder to be potentially manipulated and- yes, Rin knew that technically Sae could only be acting nice and selfless to make him let his guard down… but even he had to admit that continuing to deploy that level of paranoia and skepticism would be irrationally petty and shallow given the new circumstances and evidence… essentially meaning that every soft, warm smile and gesture of care and patience that Sae offered truly was nothing but an expression of sincere love and genuine concern for his well being.

Rin couldn’t brush over or dance around that terrifying truth anymore; everything Sae did for him really was rooted out of pure, genuine love and nothing else… he really was simply just trying his best to make amends for his mistakes and regrets; no hidden agendas, double-meanings, facades, or trickery... Sae just loved Rin and wanted to make things right.

…

Holy shit.

Coming way too close to slicing off the tip of his finger when the realization sent a jolt of physical shock through him—he was currently cutting vegetables for the dish they were preparing—Rin let out a quiet, weak gasp before instinctively whipping his head around towards the other. “Sae.” He called out before he could stop himself and he went wide-eyed when Sae paused his task of cooking the fish to turn towards him and offer a soft, patient look and a curious smile… something that sent another jolt of pure shock through Rin as a sense of surreal déjà vu crashed over him; Sae, with his usually slicked-back bangs falling freely across his forehead and his eyes sparkling with that same patient, kindness from when they were young looked so familiar… like he was still the precious, loving Ni-Chan that Rin had believed to be long dead and gone. “I- you…” he stuttered out, his fingertips trembling as he eventually let the chopping-knife fall out of his hand and onto the counter with a clatter. “You-” he repeated, not sure what he was trying to say. “You’re just like…” he trailed off, snapping his mouth shut before he had the chance to let the words slip, but the fact that they even wanted to leave in the first place spoke volumes of the mental revelation Rin was having right now; ‘you’re just like Ni-Chan’ is what he wanted to say, what he so desperately wanted to express before rushing forward to hug him and cry… but, it’s not like anything had realistically changed because of this revelation; Sae had still done awful, inhumane things to him—for reasons he still barely understood and also currently didn’t want to—and this sense of nostalgia and momentary relief was nothing more than the adrenaline rush that came with realizing that Sae was indeed 100% sincere in his actions… meaning that Rin wasn’t suddenly about to forgive and forget everything that had happened… but- fuck, as bitter and resentful as he still was, he had to admit that Sae was making it really hard to not lean towards the ‘eventually forgive and reconcile’ option and-

“Rin?” Sae’s quiet, concerned voice—his genuinely concerned voice because Sae truly loved him to the point of being concerned—called out to him and Rin was startled to realize that the other had moved to stand directly in front of him with a small, worried-looking frown weighing down his lips. “Are you okay? You seem… dazed?” He hummed, bringing a hand up to brush against Rin’s forehead. “You’re not warm… are you tired? Did you need something? Is that why you called out to me earlier?” He began his typical worried, overly-cautious rambling—god, Rin couldn’t believe Sae’s worried rambles had become something typical and expected at this point. “If you need something, just tell me and I’ll get it for you.” He declared without falter and Rin was startled to find his heart squeezing and leaping with joy at the display of such confident assurance.

“I-“ Rin began, but he couldn’t even get a single word in before his voice cracked and he had to avert his eyes. No- there was no way he was about to cry right now! He’d just concluded that he was simply feeling emotional! He wasn’t about to crack and break down in front of Sae simply because he realized the other truly did love him! It didn’t change the awful way Sae had treated him! It didn’t mean Rin was suddenly going to start seeking out his comfort anytime he felt- “Sae…” he whimpered out weakly, squeezing his eyes shut as the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes became too much and slipped down his cheeks.

…

Oh- who the hell was he even trying to kid right now? Rin should’ve known that this was going to be the end outcome the second he’d called out Sae’s name… but, for his mental sanity and pride, he was simply deeming this breakdown and instinctive urge to seek comfort from Sae simply him enacting his ‘accepting comfort when it’s beneficial’ resolve rather than a sign that he was already succumbing to the desperate urge to forgive and reconcile with him.

Rin refused to open his eyes and expose himself to the shame and humiliation that would come with faceing Sae eye-to-eye in his pathetic, emotional state… but he didn’t miss the audible gasp Sae let out followed shortly by the sensation of a hand coming out to cradle his cheek and wipe away at his tears with commendable effort given for the fact that it was a hopeless endeavor. “Rin… what’s wrong?” Sae asked quietly, his voice noticeably strained with a much more raw and desperate-sounding worry. “I- shit… is it something I did? Is this- gh!” He huffed out from the exertion of suddenly having to catch and support what was nearly Rin’s full weight when he finally surrendered to the urge to bask in the warm comforts of receiving a hug. “Oh…” Sae breathed out quietly, shifting to wrap his arms around Rin in a loving, patient embrace without even so much as second’s hesitation. “Shh, shh… it’s okay, Rin.” He whispered when Rin began to sob and tremble in his hold, his voice soothing and light. “It’s okay, it’s okay… I’ve got you. You can cry… it’s fine.” Sae assured him and, under the weight of his unwavering patience paired with his current emotional fragility, Rin simply nodded, bringing his own arms up to grasp at the back of Sae’s hoodie before burying his face into the crook of his shoulder where he proceeded to sob even harder.

“Sae…” he sobbed out weakly, shivering and sniffling when one of Sae’s hands shifted up to pat and massage at his head lovingly in a way that Rin was ashamed to admit that he had been actively hoping for.

“Yes, Rin?” Sae hummed out quietly in response, a light chuckle and sigh escaping him when Rin’s weak, uncoordinated sobs and pitiful stutters served as his only answer; it seemed that he was aware that Rin was simply babbling rather than actually trying to ask for something. “Shh… it’s all going to be okay, I promise.” He sighed softly and a little bit of startled shock managed to pierce through Rin’s desperate, sobbing stupor when he realized that Sae had leaned forward to nuzzle affectionately against his shoulder. “I don’t know why you’re sad right now, but I swear that I’ll do my best to help if you can tell me what you need.” Sae explained patiently, clearing trying his best to simultaneously comfort him while also trying to detect and tackle the source of the problem—very Sae-like of him… and not in the bad way—but the realization was enough to make Rin pause and falter as another realization hit him; he wasn’t… sad right now.

He was… well- very confused, terrified, conflicted, and resentful… but he wasn’t sad; in fact, right now, more sparkling rays of warm sunlight managed to pierce through the dark, suffocating clouds of dread than ever before, consequently gifting Rin the stunning, breathtaking view of an ocean that, although still continued to rage and thrash with towering, intimidating waves that didn’t falter in their ever-eternal quest to drown him, sparkled a bright, brilliant turquoise blue.

Rin was still way too confused, prideful, and conflicted to ever consciously admit it… but at that very moment, something within him shifted in a way it hadn’t in a long, long time; a small, subconscious part of him began to re-accept Sae’s affection as something beyond it simply being a ‘beneficial’ or ‘convenient’ tool to be used at his disposal…

Rin began to accept it as true, genuine love again.

Chapter Text

Despite Sae’s best efforts, he ultimately couldn’t coax an explanation or any kind of hint out of Rin as to why he had suddenly broken down and practically collapsed into a hug… but that was fine; despite his lack of any verbal or concrete evidence or confirmation, he eventually concluded that the confrontation the two of them had had earlier was finally registering with Rin and consequently straining his emotional fragility… something Sae had been very happy and eager to soothe and hush Rin through until he eventually quieted, pulled away, and continued his task of cutting the vegetables—albeit with watery eyes, a periodic sniffle, and glistening tear-tracks staining his flushed cheeks… but still.

Sae had decided to take charge over the majority—entirety—of the cooking process when, after a few minutes of careful, nervous observation, he deemed Rin’s current state to be a little too dazed and shaky for him to be allowed anywhere near the stove… and he was pleasantly surprised to find that his little brother complied with little to no protest; he’d shaken his head at first, but it had only taken minimal amounts of gentle coaxing from Sae before he eventually nodded, handed off the vegetables, and stumbled his way back to the couch where he proceeded to sit down and thoroughly cocoon himself up in the warm, fuzzy blanket Sae had purposefully laid out for him this morning—it was literally the most adorable thing Sae had ever seen in his entire life; Rin, in the entirety of his above-average height and stature, with sparkling, watery eyes, a red, stuffy nose, and a sulkiness that rivaled his six year-old self whenever he’d get embarrassed. “I’m almost done, Rin.” Sae called out with a small, amused smile. “Set yourself up at the diner table.” He explained as he carefully finished plating their meals… and maybe he would have to consider the ‘most adorable thing ever’ thought from earlier, because the new sight he was graced with was so insanely cute that he was starting to dread into the dangerous territories of unbearable cute-aggression: Rin had taken his blanket-shield with him to the dinner table and was currently shyly, yet expectantly waiting for his food’s arrival.

Just barely managing to suppress the urge to stride over and pinch Rin’s cheeks, Sae had to take a few moments to turn away and smile giddily as he silently celebrated and congratulated himself for making such progress with his little brother—seriously, just a few weeks ago Rin wouldn’t even tolerate his presence existing in a twenty foot radius without absolutely blowing up and cursing Sae out of the room; dark times, those were. “Here you go.” He nodded with a bright, cheery smile when he set down Rin’s plate, his smile only broadening when the other gave him a quiet, but surprisingly not begrudging-sounding ‘thank you’? “Sorry if it’s not as good as it used to be when we were younger…” Sae apologized but not so much because he felt genuinely doubtful or self-consciousness in regards to his culinary skills—he was a good cook, he knew that much—but rather because he felt so emotionally-charged and excited that he couldn’t quite bring himself to shut up—god, his past-self wouldn’t even recognize his current one… and that was not a bad thing at all. “I did my best and it smells like I remeber, so I’m pretty sure that it’s- wha… Rin?” He stuttered halfway through another random spout of trivial rambling when he realized that his little brother was once again sobbing. “Rin? What happened?” He gasped, frowning in confusion as he tried his best to analyze the situation; Rin hadn’t done anything except take a bit out of the food… was it really that awful or was he still feeling fragile from earlier? He knew it was most likely the latter, but Sae could almost feel his inner-chef’s pride take a small, but painful blow—it couldn’t be because he’d messed up the meal, right? No way Rin would cry over something like that… right?

“You- it’s… my- I’m…” Rin whimpered out pitifully and Sae felt his anxiety tenfold with each and every second that passed… but what his little brother said next thoroughly caught him off guard. “Stupid… you’re so stupid and annoying!” He eventually huffed, dramatically tossing an arm up before bringing the edge of his blanket to wipe his leaking eyes. “You’re so annoying, Sae…” he grumbled out again but, somehow, he didn’t sound annoyed so much as… pouty?

“Uhm…” Sae hesitated dumbly, absolutely clueless as to what Rin wanted or expected from him in response when he turned his teary, but surprisingly-mild gaze towards him. “Sorry?” He apologized awkwardly, not sure if he should be heeding the way his instincts blared at him that he should be on guard, or if he should simply trust in his natural-sense of observation that told him that Rin, as frustrated and restless he initially appeared to be, wasn’t actually angry at him. “Is it the food?” He asked, naturally searching for a means of de-escalating and making amends for whatever it was he’d done to ‘annoy’ his brother. “Did I mess it up? Is that why you’re upset? If I did, I’m sorry… I can redo-“

“No.” Rin interrupted before he could even finish, scrambling to snatch his plate away from Sae’s offering hand. “No, I'm hungry. I’m going to eat this.” He declared, glaring mildly before apparently deciding that this little sob-session was over as he began to stuff his face full of the food with a startling amount of vigor—even for him.

With his mouth slightly agape, Sae simply watched Rin eat for a few moments until a particularly testy glare eventually snapped him out of it and prompted him to tackle his own meal while he mentally reeled over his little brother’s incomprehensible behavior… but, as he would soon come to discover, it would only get even more confusing and contradictory from here on out.

                     ~^~^~^~^~^~

Okay, Sae prided himself everything to do with logistics, observation, and practical deduction… but, as if this whole situation itself wasn’t a good enough reminder, the next few days that passed were a painfully eye-opening testimony to how lacking he was in regards to applying his skills in a ‘social-emotional’ setting… and- yeah, that was partially to do with the fact that Rin was currently an unpredictable wild-card with all the readability of an ever-shifting sign, but Sae was also extremely frustrated with himself for not being able to understand his little brothers inner-thoughts or motivations to the extent that he desperately wanted to!

One second it was “You’re so annoying, Sae!”—something Rin had been making a habit of saying a lot these past few days—then the next it was “Sae, can you cut more fish for me?—he had actually taken the unprompted initiative to ask Sae for help!?—then it was back to the first one within the blink of an eye… and that was only the verbal aspect of their current dynamic! What had absolutely baffled Sae beyond comprehension was that, while Rin continued to despise and protest physical touch that he hadn’t initiated or hinted for, he had randomly started giving Sae hugs? Like- random, completely irrelevant-to-the-current-situation hugs out of nowhere and with absolutely no explanation whatsoever!?

What!?

Okay- look… Sae was not complaining that he not only got the occasional opportunity to comfort and hold Rin through… whatever it was that was possessing and urging him to seek out seemingly random hugs and head-pats while also get his own fair share of physical-affection, but it also completely compromised Sae’s mental ‘data-chart’ that he used to analyze and predict Rin’s behavior… consequently leaving his heart and mind in a conflicted state that only made the whole situation even more confusing! Seriously, Sae felt like he was about to spontaneously combust in the spot if he didn’t-

“Sae.” Rin’s mild, expecting voice called out to him, forcing Sae to momentarily shake himself from his meltdown to face his little brother with a patient, but slightly-nervous smile—what could Rin possibly want now? Don’t get him wrong, Sae would happily comply with whatever it was Rin wanted… but he was starting to get anxious; what if Rin suddenly pulled another reverse-card and confused him even more!? “Tomorrow is the first day that the therapist comes over.” He announced and Sae couldn’t stop the way his lips fell into a slightly confused frown.

“Yeah… I know.” Sae nodded, dreading the predictable and expected way his heart squeezed with guilt, worry, and pain on behalf of his little brother’s need for mental-health counseling… But he momentarily pushed that aside to return to the present and continue to attempt at deciphering Rin’s seemingly-spontaneous urge for having brought it up—Sae was well aware of the schedule that the therapist had set, so he wasn’t sure why Rin felt the need to remind him-

“… I’m worried.” His little brother’s meek, startlingly-timid voice explained and, all at once, the realization that Rin was bringing it up as a means of silently and inadvertently asking for comfort hit him with all the force of a speeding train—oh… oh, fuck! Sae was still so unaccustomed to Rin’s random, unpredictable displays of vulnerability that he struggled to recognize them for what they were in the moment… but not this time, though!

“Oh.” He breathed out dumbly, internally panicking for a few moments when an almost-imperceptible hurt seemed to weigh on Rin’s face. “Oh- uh… I mean, I understand.” Sae rushed to add with a nod, desperately hoping that he hadn’t screwed up with his initial fumbling. “I’m worried too...” Sae admitted quietly, knowing that he probably sounded like an absolute idiot on account of the fact that, one, he wasn’t even the one who had to have the therapy and, two, he reason Rin needed therapy to begin with. “-but I’m sure you’ll be okay.” He assured, internally cringing at how basic and realistically shallow his assurance sounded… and also the fact that Rin’s reaction to it was completely indecipherable.

Regarding him for a few moments, multiple emotions seemed to flicker through Rin’s expression before he eventually settled on simply nodding before turning on his heel and heading off to do… well- nothing; Rin still didn’t do very much aside from sit around with a glazed over, lethargic-looking expression painting his features these days. “Damnit…” Sae cursed quietly to himself, bringing a hand up to run through his hair; he was so damn stressed.

See? That right there; Rin randomly approaching him to express his nervousness while also hinting that he wanted assurance? Why- how the hell was Sae supposed to emotionally brace himself for the inevitable switch-up where Rin started glaring or calling him ‘stupid and annoying’ again after something like that!? His heart wouldn’t be able to take it!

With an exasperated, weary sigh, Sae shook his head and moved to sit a respectful distance away from Rin on the couch. Whatever, if his little brother wanted to give him whiplash with his mood swings, Sae would endure it without question… for now, above all else, he would have to emotionally prepare himself for the introduction and possible aftermath of Rin’s therapist into their routine.

He just hoped that things would start getting a little less confusing soon.

Chapter Text

Rin really wish that he could’ve smugly described how his erratic, borderline-lunatic behavior and mood-swings were simply another puzzle-piece in his grand plan to test and torment Sae… but, if he did, he would be lying through his teeth; he wasn’t being difficult and unpredictable on purpose… Rin was literally just so emotionally-charged, confused, and manic that his heart and mind waged constant war with each other, consequently causing him to act out in unpredictable—even to himself—humiliating ways- like, hugging Sae… and out of nowhere too!? What- looking back on it, Rin couldn’t even understand what hormonal-imbalance or mood-swing could’ve possibly prompted him to hug Sae for absolutely zero reason and without warning… and the worst part was he’d done it multiple times now!

He at the very least understood why it suddenly felt as if twenty separate currents were trying to sweep him away into countless different directions—realizing the extent of Sae’s love and care had only worked to heighten the conflicting emotions and urges that raged through him—but the knowledge was essentially pointless if he couldn’t apply it in any meaningful way… like- oh, maybe actually having enough control over his emotions to not randomly succumb to the desperate, siren-like impulses that urged him to seek out Sae’s presence and comfort!? That would be fucking nice!

Rin was rapidly becoming all-too addicted to the warm, comforting sensation of sunlight bathing his soaked, usually-frigid skin, and the unparalleled, breathtaking view of bright, sparkling turquoise it came paired with… but he refused to succumb to his impulsive desires so easily; Sae deserved to suffer more as repentance, and Rin, despite how much he leaned towards the idea nowadays, still refused to blatantly succumb to the concrete conclusion that he would indeed be allowing their bond to flourish as anything beyond ‘caretaker’ and ‘caretake-ee’ without further evidence and assurance to convince him, and it wasn’t long before that petty stubbornness began to manifest into a sort of… self-defense mechanism; basically, Rin started doubling-down on his testy spitefulness anytime his mind managed to win out against his heart’s desire to simply be cooperative and accepting… but, unfortunately for him, the exertion that he required to fight against said heart’s desires usually left little to no energy left for him to reserve towards the quality of his insults and ‘tests’—in quotations because they were sometimes so pathetic in nature that they could probably be compared to a ‘mild display of defiance.

The extent of Rin’s bitterness usually manifested in weak, borderline child-like insults that really packed no punch, such as: ‘you’re so annoying, Sae’—he said that a lot; it was something of his default dialogue whenever he was feeling petty for no particular reason—or ‘go away’ and even ‘you’re stupid’—wow- yeah… that one was truly work of a masterful linguist; caught the sarcasm?—and, yes, while it seemed like his unpredictable mood and actions were indeed confusing Sae and stressing him out, Rin had the sneaking suspicion that a part of him was also… amused; from the way his lips would quirk upwards in a smirk whenever he was insulted to how frustratingly endearing his gaze looked whenever a glare was shot his way… and it pissed Rin off so much! He was just- just so… annoying!

It was so annoying that Rin wanted to forgive him… that he wanted to accept Sae’s love again so intensely to the point that he had gone out of his way to ask Sae for help, just so he could bask in the warmth that swept over him to see his trivial request met with such unfaltering enthusiasm from the other! “Annoying… annoying, stupid Sae.” He hissed to himself quietly, squeezing his eyes shut as he was forced to endure the embarrassment of his most-humiliating moment of weakness yet; telling Sae that he was nervous about his first ever appointment with the therapist because, in his moment of fragility, he’d wanted comfort from the other… and, while Sae’s words had honestly been pretty lukewarm in terms of encouragement, Rin hated that he genuinely found them comforting. Not because they were well-said, extremely heartfelt, or anything along those lines… but simply because Sae had made the effort to say them, once again solidifying the realization that he truly did love and want Rin to recover.

…

“Stupid… stupid.” He cursed quietly, hating the fact that he wasn’t quite sure whether he was referring to Sae or himself at this point… but, forcing himself to take a deep, hopefully-steadying breath, Rin tried his very best to momentarily clear his mind; he would have plenty of time to get frustrated about his and Sae’s current situation later… But, for now, he had put all of his focus on mentally and emotionally preparing himself for the first ever therapy-session he would be receiving in roughly an hour’s time.

Now, despite multiple sources explaining to him how ‘beneficial’ therapy would be, Rin continued to absolutely resent the concept of laying his heart bare and being completely and utterly vulnerable with some random stranger… but, for the sake of getting approved by Dr.Suzuki to be admitted back into Bluelock as soon as possible, he would begrudgingly endure them.

Honestly, Rin didn’t believe that he even really needed therapy to begin with… yes, he was still feeling rather lethargic and emotionally-charged, but it’s not like he’d actually had any desires or urges to attempt suicide or self-harm again, so what was even the point anymore? He was fine and, once he found himself back in a familiar, competitive environment that was football, he would no doubt bounce back to his stoic, disciplined self in no time.

With an exasperated, frustrated sigh, Rin continued his invigorating session lounging about on the couch bored out of his mind—he was much too tired and lethargic to do anything productive right now—as he watched the clock on the microwave, watching the minutes slowly but surely tick by as he awaited the arrival of his brand-new ‘therapist’—yeah, right… as if this stranger would actually be able to help him; Rin had no intentions of being vulnerable when it wasn’t even necessary to begin with… but, still, if he wanted to be cleared as ‘mentally-stable’ he would have to atleast play the part of a ‘good’ client.

As an hour’s wait slowly became 45 minutes, then, 30, 20, 15… Rin found himself growing more anxious by the minute, both his heart and mind alike vehemently protesting against the mortifying ideal of having to speak to some random stranger about his suicide-attempt and depression on even the shallowest of levels… but, luckily, Sae had chosen that very moment to return from his shower and- no! What- why the hell was something like that ‘lucky’!? Rin shouldn’t be comforted by this annoying bastard! He shouldn’t find his presence comforting- “Hey, Rin… how’re you doing?” Sae hummed, smiling softly as he moved to sit down next to him. “Your therapist should be here any minute now… are you still nervous?” He asked, his voice one of genuine concern as he brought a hand up to tentatively rest against Rin’s shoulder, the pressure of his fingertips featherlight as if he were anticipating to be swatted away but, when met with no resistance or protest, he pressed a little more firmly… even going as far as to rub small, soothing little circles against Rin’s upper back in attempt to comfort him.

Rin was nervous… extremely so, and that was precisely the reason he hadn’t glared and smacked Sae’s hand away at first touch; because, no matter how much he hated to admit it, the other’s presence and displays of gentle assurance were incredibly calming. “I’m fine.” He lied flatly and, if the flicker of doubt that crossed Sae’s expression was anything to go off of, it was clear the others didn’t believe him in the slightest. “I am.” He huffed with a little more insistence, clenching his jaw and giving Sae a sharp, challenging glare as if daring the other to question him.

Regarding him mildly for a few seconds, Sae eventually relented with a shrug, the doubt swirling through his turquoise eyes retreating. “Alright, Rin… if you say you are, I’ll believe you.” He nodded patiently and Rin assumed that would be the end of it… but, as it turned out, it wasn’t. “But-“ he began, smiling apologetically when Rin whipped his head around to give him a frustrated scowl. “-if you ever feel like- y’know… you’re suddenly not okay, then you can talk to me about it if you’d like, alright?” Sae explained and, as much as he hated to admit it, Rin felt his indignation and agitation melt away under the weight of his assurance—that newfound lack of indignation and agitation was quickly replaced by the more familiar frustration that came with actually enjoying Sae’s comfort, but still.

Scowling as a means of pitifully attempting to mask the way his face flushed with warmth—although, in hindsight that most likely only accentuated the fact that he was blushing—Rin quickly averted his eyes and shrugged Sae’s hand off his shoulder. “Whatever…” he grumbled, hating the way the heat burning in his face only worsened when Sae let out a quiet, amused chuckle—oh yeah, that bastard definitely knew exactly what he was thinking—but, luckily—or, realistically, unfortunately—Rin’s humiliation was cut short as both of them startled when the sound of the doorbell ringing echoed through the house, its high, somewhat-annoying pitch a stark contrast to the silence they’d been sitting in. “Oh…” Rin breathed out stiffly, somewhat-regretting the way he’d rejected Sae’s touch as he was once again face-to-face with the source of his anxieties and troubles.

As the dawning realization that he would finally be meeting the person who would ultimately dictate whether he was allowed back into Bluelock by the end of the month, Rin couldn’t help but nervously imagine what this man might possible look and act like—it was indeed a man; Dr.Suzuki had told him so. More than anything, he dreaded what this mystery-man’s personality may be rather than his appearance… But, the two were intricately tied to human-perception and, as Rin couldn’t help but imagine a cruel, impatient, dismissive figure—something like Sae had been before this whole incident—he couldn’t help but also picture the guy to be intimidating and frightening to match it. “Shit…” Rin cursed out quietly, squeezing his eyes shut as his foot began to tap nervously of its own accord. “Damnit, calm down…” he chided himself roughly, desperately willing himself to get his shit together; there was no way in hell that Rin would allow his therapist's very first impression of him to be derived from him having a panicked meltdown… and, once again, it seemed that Sae picked the perfect time to swoop in and rescue him.

“Rin.” Sae called out softly, bringing a hand up to gently sweep Rin’s bangs away from his eyes. “You don’t have to cry…” he assured, and Rin was startled to realize that he had indeed started to cry—shit, why couldn’t he just pull himself together for one second!? “It’s okay, it’s okay… just breathe.” Sae coaxed him patiently, gently patting on Rin’s back with his free hand. “Just breathe- no, don’t look at the door.” He scolded lightly when the doorbell rang once again and consequently heightened Rin’s panic and disarray. “Don’t look at the door… I promise I won’t answer it until you’re calm, so don’t worry about it, okay? Just focus on relaxing for now… whoever’s out there can wait a little bit. You just take as much time as you need.” Sae’s warm, soothing voice assured him and, desperate for more warmth and comfort, Rin sniffled a few times before eventually letting go and succumbing to the urge to nuzzle his face into Sae’s shoulder.

Closing his eyes and consciously choosing to focus on the bright, sparkling warmth that shone down upon him rather than the dark, swirling waves that threatened to drag him down below, Rin slowly but surely allowed himself to relax under Sae’s gentle whispers of assurance.

Seriously, getting him to relax with such little effort? It really wasn’t fair; Sae’s love really shouldn’t be as soothing and enjoyable as it was. “You’re so annoying…” Rin sighed dazedly against Sae’s shoulder and, without even being actively conscious of it—nor would he even actively remember having spoken them—he let a few more words slip:

“…you shitty brother.”

Chapter Text

“…you shitty brother.”

The second those three, simple words left Rin’s mouth, Sae felt his entire body go stiff and rigid with disbelief; his breath hitched and held tightly in his chest, his heart seemed to skip a few beats, and the tension he felt in his muscles could rival that of a particularly intense post-workout session… except, unlike then, a few simple stretching-exercises wouldn’t be enough to untangle the stiff knot coiling between his shoulder blades. “Wha…” he began before quickly trailing off, snapping his mouth shut with enough force to chatter his teeth with a resounding clicking sound; something told him that interrupting this moment by questioning Rin on his choice of wording would be the worst possible reaction… so, with an uneven, shaky breath and a heart-rate so rapid it might’ve reached Mach-5, Sae kept his mouth sealed shut in hopes of not accidently provoking Rin… but that didn’t mean that his mind wasn’t racing at a record-breaking velocity to comprehend, process, and meticulously analyze every possible aspect of what had just happened.

Rin, for the first time in weeks—or, well… more realistically years when applying technicalities—had just referred to Sae as his brother. He hadn’t sounded resentful, mocking, or rhetorical when he’d spoken either… just unfiltered and earnest, as if he’d subconsciously said it due to some level of endearment, which- god, Sae really hoped so; he had always been aware that Rin only tolerated his presence out of convenience… but if he truly did harbor enough affection and trust that he could endearingly refer to Sae as his brother again, then this very moment could possibly signify a foundational turning point in their relationship for the better.

As the knot in his shoulders slowly began to untangle—greatly aided by the comforting, grounding pressure of Rin resting his head against them—Sae slowly overcame his shock… and the rush of pure, euphoric excitement that moved to immediately fill its place was almost startling. Rationally, he knew better than to be allowing himself to feel such relief and excitement over such a small victory, but he couldn’t help it! How could he even hope—or actively want—to attempt at suppressing the probably stupid-looking, giddy grin that stretched unabashedly across his face when Rin, his precious, beloved little brother, finally felt safe, comfortable, and loved enough to once again view Sae as a brother figure?

Sae probably could’ve basked in this glorious, long-awaited moment for hours… but, unfortunately, this miraculous turn of events happened to take place at the very worst of times, meaning that Sae would have to momentarily reign in his outward excitement to turn his focus and attention back towards dealing with the current situation; his little brother was still sniffling and the therapist was still waiting outside. “Rin…” Sae called out softly, bringing a hand up to affectionately ruffle Rin’s hair. “Hey- you okay?” He asked patiently, struggling to suppress the cute-aggression urges that seized him when Rin shifted to turn his still teary-eyed, pouty face towards him. “Heh…” he chuckled quietly, grinning apologetically when Rin gave him a mild, questioning look saying something along the lines of: ‘what’s so funny, annoying bastard?’—crazy, his mind even managed to conjure up the exact tone of Rin’s voice when he imagined it. “Feeling a little bit better now, huh?” He mused softly, trying to ignore the way his heart desperately screamed and protested when Rin sniffled a few more times before eventually pulling away and moving to sit up on his own—damnit, after how cute and endearing Rin had just been, Sae would’ve been content with never relinquishing his little brother from his embrace ever again… but, alas, therapy would probably be ten times more beneficial to him than any mediocre side-hug ever would, so Sae begrudgingly allowed for it.

“M’fine.” Rin slurred, glaring a little when Sae raised an eyebrow… but it held no real bite this time; they both knew this. “I am.” He insisted, making a show of wiping his eyes on his sleeve before smoothing out his hair, standing up, and marching determinedly in the direction of the front door.

“Ah- wait for me!” Sae gasped, yanking himself to his feet and immediately trailing after Rin, catching up with him just in time to be side-to-side with him when he wrenched open the door and revealed the sight of what Sae was doubtful to assume was his little brother’s therapist; he was a man—Dr.Suzuki had priorly informed them of this—but, as far as his appearance went, he was not at all what Sae had been picturing, nor did he fit the bill of ‘traditional therapists’—and, yes, he knew that anyone could be qualified to become a therapist and that appearance meant nothing in their field of work… but still.

Before them stood a tall man slightly shorter than Rin but also arguably a bit taller than Sae—six foot, maybe?—he looked… surprisingly young, had light blond hair, depthful blue eyes, and looked fit enough that one might have mistaken him for some sort of athlete rather than a mental-health specialist?

Sae was- well he was definitely caught off guard to say the least… and, once the initial shock wore off, he would be lying if he said that this man’s appearance didn’t make him initially doubt and critique the credibility of his professionalism—a shallow, idiotic display of bias judgement considering the guy hadn’t even spoken a single word yet and therefore could not have an accurate first-impression formed about him… but, with his protective instincts only spurred on by finally re-earning the title of ‘brother’, Sae was not about to let anyone who was in charge of counseling his vulnerable little brother’s mental-health off without a skeptical analysis… unconventional appearance or not. “Oh- hello.” The man greeted them with a full, blinding smile once the initial surprise seemed to wear off. “You’re Itoshi Rin, right?” He asked, glancing between Rin and an opened manilla-folder; the file information, Sae presumed.

“Uhm… hello- and, yes, I’m Itoshi Rin.” Rin nodded stiffly, shooting Sae a sideways glance as he was undoubtedly also curious and questioning about the unexpected physical appearance of his therapist.

“Ah- good to hear!” The man beamed, his blue eyes sparkling with relief; they weren’t quite turquoise like his and Rin’s were, but they were still a startling pigmented shade of sky-blue. “For a moment I was worried that I had the wrong house…” he chuckled, shaking his head before offering out a hand towards Rin for a handshake. “Anyways- my name is Dr.Sato and I will be the therapist overseeing your counseling during these next three weeks.” He explained, his voice taking on a slightly more professional tone as he finished greeting Rin before turning towards Sae. “And you must be his older brother? Itoshi Sae?” Dr.Sato guessed, once again flashing his blindingly white smile when Sae gave him a hesitant nod and moved to shake the other’s hand.

“Yes.” Sae answered shortly, not intending to come off as rude or snappy—the humiliating, cringe-worthy memory of how rudely he’d treated Dr.Takashi would continue to deter him from being purposefully rude and dismissive of someone simply trying to help ever again—but he refused to wordlessly accept and approve of someone who would ultimately be interacting with Rin in a very vulnerable, intimate matter without an adequate amount of skepticism and hesitant analysis.

After an initial round of greeting and a few apologies from Sae regarding why they took so long to answer the door—he’d simply lied as he didn’t want to embarrass or make Rin uncomfortable by sharing the truth—the three of them eventually settled on the couch, and the atmosphere was… tense and awkward, to say the least—or, well… it felt that way to Sae and he was pretty certain that Rin was also extremely uncomfortable if the stiff, unnatural way he sat perched on the very edge of the couch-cushion was anything to go off of; while, Dr.Sato actually seemed to be perfectly fine and unbothered… which- yeah, Sae would’ve hoped that he was confident and assured of himself considering that the man was supposed to be a professional mental-health counselor for his little brother.

The next thirty minutes went something along the lines of Dr.Sato informing them both on how Rin’s therapy session would proceed followed by how often he would have counseling scheduled over the course of the next three weeks… and, while Sae had been half-listening just to be certain that he was informed and up-to-date in any and all important information regarding Rin’s wellbeing, he was also inspecting, analyzing, and internally criticizing every single time the man interacted with his little brother; Sae wasn’t trying to be difficult- but, again… he would be damned if he simply handed his little brother’s wellbeing over to what was realistically a complete stranger without at least getting a decent read on the guy first.

Rin seemed mildly uncomfortable, but that was to be expected on account of his general socially-awkwardness and distaste for people… and, honestly, it seemed that—aside from his appearance—nothing about Dr.Sato felt immediately off-putting, unprofessional, or concerning in regards to how he and Rin interacted so, for now—emphasis on the ‘for now’ because anything could happen—Sae deemed him to be worthy of taking Rin into the other room for their first ever counseling session—unfortunately, Sae was not allowed to join them; he might be allowed to in the future but, seeing as it was Rin’s first ever session, Dr.Sato wanted to speak and get and understanding of him personally and without external interference. “Alright, Rin-“ Dr.Sato began, checking over his papers one last time before turning to give Rin a patient, polite. “Now that all of the formalities are out of the way, are you ready for us to begin your first session?” He asked and Sae noticed the way he was careful to keep his tone unsuggestive and light, undoubtedly attempting to make Rin feel safe and in control of the situation—okay, good… Sae had to admit that he was definitely a meticulously careful man when it came to small details such as that.

He startled a little when Rin glanced in his direction with hesitant, openly-nervous eyes that practically pleaded for any kind of assurance, but Sae wasted no time afterwards before smiling, nodding, and even going so far as to boldly ruffle his little brother’s hair as a show of support and assurance… and, luckily, Rin actually seemed receptive to his attempt because, after pulling away from Sae with a small huff and a roll of the eyes that held no real bite, he turned back towards Dr.Sato, his posture visibly a little more confident and steady than before. “Yes…” he nodded and Sae felt his heart absolutely melt as Rin’s obvious attempt at being stoic and unbothered fell a little bit short, consequently revealing the adorable, nervous little kid beneath the attempted-mask—seriously, Rin was sixteen and well on his way to seventeen… So how was it possible that, in Sae’s eyes, he looked and felt to be eternally six years old?

“Alright, and where would you feel most comfortable to proceed?” Dr.Sato questioned, his expression showing no signs of impatience even when Rin took a particularly long time to answer.

“Can I… can we go to my room? It’s just- it’s… familiar.” Rin eventually answered, but Sae didn’t miss the way he’d hesitated before settling with ‘familiar’ as his choice of wording to describe their childhood bedroom… and, unfortunately, Sae was all too aware of why his little brother hadn’t gone with a word like ‘comfortable’ or ‘safe’; because how could it be when the person who he’d grown up and shared said space with had abandoned him, consequently cursing his bedroom—and the house in general—to be something more like a prison than a real home?

“Of course.” Dr.Sato nodded easily and, before Sae knew it, the two of them were already gone and in the midst of Rin’s first session, leaving Sae alone to battle with the crippling, aching guilt that had suddenly seized his heart with all the suddenness of a random, unpredicted rainstorm—oh- hell no… Sae did not need the mental image of a rainstorm or anything even vaguely related to water right now!

Surges of intense guilt and self-loathing like this were significantly less frequent now seeing as Rin’s health and their relationship had drastically improved since the hospital, but that didn’t mean that Sae didn’t still occasionally suffer from them whenever something triggering set him off… like the reminder that Rin was currently in therapy because he was depressed and suicidal as a consequence of Sae’s cruelty. “Dammit…” he sighed weakly, running an exasperated hand over his face as he just barely managed to reign in the guilt that tore and ate away at his conscience with such ferocity that Sae would be surprised to learn that there was actually a physical, rapid beast trapped somewhere within him.

Maybe it was cowardly and selfish of him to be running away from his guilt when he 100% deserved to suffer through it in full but, unable to resist what he knew would be immediate relief and comfort, Sae allowed his mind to drift back towards earlier… once again basking in the warm, euphoric joy that he’d surged through him when Rin called him ‘brother’.

Sae wouldn’t ever allow himself to forget or grow complacent of all of the pain he’d caused Rin… but, seeing as things were finally starting to really look hopeful for the future of their relationship and possible reconciliation, he would, if only momentarily, enjoy the warmth and satisfaction that came with all of his hard work and accomplishments thus far…

For now, Sae would allow himself to remain positive.

Chapter Text

Rin would be lying if he said that Dr.Sato’s appearance hadn’t caught him off guard initially; seriously, how old even was this guy? He looked like he could be in his mid-twenties which- to be fair would still place him at an age to be fully qualified for his job in terms of technicalities and schooling requirements… But, Rin had already been skeptical and begrudging towards the idea of therapy and ‘opening up’ with a stranger, and now he was supposed to do it with someone who—at a passing glance—could pass for someone who looked only a little bit older than Sae? “How old are you?” He blurted out without thinking almost as soon as the two of them had gotten settled in his room, with Rin sitting improperly on his bed and Dr.Sato having pulled up his desk chair… and, despite knowing that it was rude and realistically an irreverent question to the man’s level of skill and competency, he didn’t retract or backpedal his inquiring; besides, wasn’t it a therapist job to make their patients comfortable?

Looking momentarily taken aback, Dr.Sato paused for a few seconds before eventually shaking his head and chuckling lightly. “Ah- I’m thirty five.” He answered straightforwardly with a casual shrug and, this time, it was Rin’s turn to gape at him dumbly.

Had he… said that as a joke? Had Rin’s question offended him and he, in retaliation, was mocking him with a blatantly untrue response? “What? He exhaled dumbly, his brain absolutely refusing to believe that the man sitting before him was more than twice his own age. “Are you messing with me?” Alright- look, Rin wasn’t trying to be rude… it’s just that, before Isagi had visited him in the hospital and reminded him of how normal, civilized—if any of the participants of Bluelock could even be referred to as civilized—people acted with each other—save for their banter and competitiveness which had remained surprisingly friendly and cool-headed—he hadn’t had a normal, polite conversation that lasted longer than five minutes in what was probably years… so, being polite and delicate was not exactly his strong suit.

Rather than be off-put or offended by Rin’s lack of social-capacity, Dr.Sato simply smiled before something like smugness flickered across his expression. “Ah- I’m proud to say that I am not messing with you.” He assured, his voice light and earnest enough that Rin was startled to realize that he wasn’t lying. “I’ve been told I look quite young for my age-“ that was an understatement; seriously, thirty five!? “-to the point where some people—especially my clients—are typically startled by my appearance.” He explained with a sigh and a shrug that said something like; ‘it’s truly a curse’—oh yeah, he was definitely smug about it… and, honestly, Rin couldn’t really blame him; Dr.Sato was an anti-aging commercials dream actor.

“Oh.” Rin exhaled flatly, fidgeting with the edge of his sheets awkwardly as he found himself at a loss for words; damn his social-awkwardness and underdeveloped people-skills! “Okay… sorry for asking.” Is what he eventually settled with after a way-too-long, awkward pause… but, again, Dr.Sato didn’t seem bothered by his lack of basic social-cues.

“That’s fine, Rin… remember, I’ll be your therapist for the next month, so you don’t have to feel hesitant or apologetic about asking me questions, even if they’re personal.” Dr.Sato assured him and, being the stiff, awkward mess that he was, Rin responded to his genuine, heartfelt sincerity with a flat, blank nod of robotic acknowledgment. “Alright…” he began again when he realized that Rin wouldn’t say anything further on his own. “We discussed the purpose and reason for you being in therapy in the living room so, for today, I’d simply like to get a better understanding of you as a person, Rin.” Dr.Sato explained, his voice—while still remaining soft and patient—transforming into something a little more firm and professional. “Such as your childhood, family relationships, any particular upsetting events I should be aware of, and just who you are as a person in general.” He finished, giving Rin a meaningful look to which he returned evenly to the best of his abilities… but, in truth, the more Dr.Sato explained the details of just how much he was expected to open up and lay himself vulnerable, the more uncomfortable and anxious he became.

“…okay.” Rin nodded, once again cringing at how short and flat the majority of his responses were… but, at the same time, he still felt like all of this was a huge, unnecessary waste of time, so he didn’t feel very bad about it; seriously, he was fine now… and, even if he wasn’t, what would telling Dr.Sato about his ‘childhood and family relationships’ do to solve anything? It’s not like lounging about on a chair and crying over his feelings could actually fix anything.

Seemingly completely unaware of Rin’s silent, but steadily-growing agitation and contempt for the whole situation, Dr.Sato simply smiled brightly before nodding, adjusting his clipboard, and giving Rin one last meaningful look before he announced the session to have officially begun. “Alright, Rin… as I mentioned before, I’d like to know more about you… so, to start off easy, could you tell me about yourself? It doesn’t have to be anything specific and you don’t have to worry about meeting any criterias in regards to any of your answers… I’d just like to hear anything you’re willing to tell me or feel is important to share before anything else.” He began and Rin felt the tension in his shoulders stiffen when the situation truly dawned on him; he was in therapy, talking with a stranger who was supposed to ‘help’ him, and was currently being expected to… what- introduce himself? What the hell was he supposed to say? ‘I’m Rin and I like football… but- at the same time, not really because it makes me feel like a pathetic failure whenever I’m not good enough to be worthy of acknowledgement’? Could someone please explain to him how he was supposed to share that with a stranger!? Seriously, what the hell was he even supposed to say-

“I like owls.”

…

…

…

Fuck.

Rin wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, but he was certain that expressing his affection for owls of all things was definitely not it. “And- uhm… their eyes are neat. That’s why I like them.” Why couldn’t he just shut the fuck up? He’d barely even spoken and he was already regretting everything; how was he supposed to survive a month of questions that would only proceed to get even more invasive?

Feeling a burning, fiery heat creep across his face, Rin hesitantly met Dr.Sato’s gaze, fully expecting mockery or dissatisfaction for his trivial, undoubtedly-worthless response to the question… but, when he finally did, he was startled to find that the man’s expression had budged a single inch; he still wore a patience, understanding smile, and- if anything, it almost seemed as if his eyes had softened a little. “Owls?” He repeated, his voice neither judgmental or mocking… so, relaxing ever so slightly, Rin nodded. “You like their eyes, you said? Hm… I must admit, it is fascinating to me that they can’t move their pupils but have ocular-capabilities ten to a hundred times more efficient than ours in the dark.” He hummed, tilting his head to the side and shrugging when Rin gaped at him.

“Yeah…” Rin mumbled, averting his eyes and furrowing his brow in confusion; okay, he hadn’t been expecting for Dr.Sato to take his awkward, trivial response in such a good manner… but he was sure it wouldn’t last long. “I’m- that’s all. There’s nothing else.” He explained stiffly, internally cringing as he was undoubtedly starting to test Dr.Sato’s patience; he could have the patience of an absolute saint, but there was no way in hell that Rin’s lack of cooperation and enthusiasm wasn’t starting or at least going to piss him off eventually.

“Nothing else?” He repeated and Rin braced himself for the scolding or expression of disappointment that he was no doubt about to receive… but, rather than berate him, Dr.Sato simply scribbled something down on his clipboard, hummed, and moved on, completely unbothered. “Alright, then… tell me, what was your childhood like?” He asked and his question immediately stumped Rin… something he seemed to pick up on because he quickly moved to clarify. “It can be specific instances, a vague description of what it was like… what I’m mainly interested in is how you felt about your childhood?” He explained easily, thankfully clearing up Rin’s misunderstanding… but, unfortunately, it still put him at a loss for words; what was his childhood like? Well- good? He didn’t know?

“Uhm… good.” Rin answered with a weak shrug, averting his eyes and tensing when Dr.Sato raised an eyebrow and wrote something down on his clipboard—seriously, what was he writing? Was he judging Rin? Was he mocking and making fun of him!? “I enjoyed it.” He rushed to add, feeling suddenly extremely insecure and self-conscious… and, consequently, it was starting to make him irrationally irate and defensive. “That’s it.” He finished similarly to earlier but, this time, rather than act shy and uncertain about it, Rin’s agitation transformed his tone into something snappish and final, as if daring the man before him to question or defy his decision to not explain further.

Raising an eyebrow, Dr.Sato once again wrote something down on his clipboard—god, the sound of pencil on paper was really starting to piss Rin off; it sounded like judgment. “Nothing else?” He hummed and, realistically, aside from his mildly skeptical expression, Dr.Sato was most likely only asking that as a formality… but, victim to his steadily-growing agitation and the contempt he felt for the entire situation, Rin took it personal; like a purposeful, mocking attack aimed directly at him.

“No.” Rin snapped coldly, scowling and glaring at the man with a ferocity he usually reserved for either the football field or Sae. “No, there’s nothing else.” He hissed, not even trying to maintain a facade of patience anymore; he felt attacked and, despite knowing that acting out and being uncooperative like this would hinder his chances at being deemed ‘healthy enough’ to return to Bluelock by the end of the month, Rin’s bitterness and resentment towards being forced into therapy won out.

With a reaction that was frustratingly subtle, Dr.Sato simply regarded him for a few moments—consequently making Rin feel even more judged and attacked—before humming. “Okay, that’s okay, Rin…” stupid bastard, why did he keep trying to personalize everything by saying Rin’s name every other sentence!? “It’s fine if you’d like to move on-“ Dr.Sato tried, but Rin was not having it; any of it.

“I don’t want to move on… I don’t understand how any of this is supposed to help me.” Rin huffed with frustration, not even allowing the man to finish his sentence. “Yeah- I tried to kill myself, but I’m perfectly fine now! I haven’t thought about it since the hospital and I’m already getting better! I don’t need fucking therapy, it’s a waste of time! I’m not so fucking broken that I need to ‘work through my feelings’ like some… some kind of little bitch!” He growled darkly, digging his fingernails into the mattress as he glared scathing, biting daggers directly into Dr.Sato’s eyes, directly challenging the man to fight him… and, honestly, Rin desperately hoped that he would; he wanted to fight… wanted to prove himself strong enough to not have to deal with all of this therapy bullshit! But… in a display of patience that made Rin want to scream with frustration, Dr.Sato did not in fact fight him, but rather nodded, smiled gently, and concluded that, if Rin chose, the session could be finished for the day- which, of course he immediately agreed—good fucking riddance; if Rin had to stumbled through even just one more question, he probably would attempt to kill himself again just to escape it.

As soon as Dr.Sato collected himself and allowed himself to be shooed out the door, Rin felt all of the tension coiling in his body peaked, sending ripples and shivers of discomfort and goosebumps across the surface of his skin; he felt exposed, judged, and even mocked despite the fact Dr.Sato hadn’t actively or outwardly done any of those things. “Fucking stupid…” he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut and exhaling as he allowed himself to fall backwards into his mattress. “Stupid, stupid, stupid…” he cursed angrily, gritting his teeth hard enough for the bitter, yet familiar taste of copper to flood his mouth; it was… comforting, in a way, and it momentarily distracted him from the unbearable sensation of vertigo and panic that had gripped him when the sunlight dimmed and the angry, thrashing waves roared with newfound intensity.

So, desperate for comfort, Rin grit his teeth again, relishing in the distracting, burning sensation of pain and the bitter taste of blood… and, when that didn’t suffice, he did something he hadn’t done in over a month:

He bit down on the inside of his cheek.

Chapter Text

After around fifteen minutes, Sae had finally managed to find some semblance of peace and reprieve from the guilt, aided by his trusty, newfound source of comfort; the memory of Rin snuggling against his shoulder and calling him brother… but, when the sound of footsteps descending the stairs quickly followed by the sight of Dr.Sato’s calm yet visibly troubled expression, Sae immediately perked up, his eyes instinctively scanning behind the doctor for signs of Rin also walking downstairs… but his heart sank with dread and his mind immediately began to conjure up every worst-case-scenario when he realized his little brother was nowhere to be found. “Wha-“ he exhaled nervously, confusedly when Dr.Sato motioned for him to come over, but otherwise complying immediately. “What- where’s Rin? Is he-“

“Rin is in his room… I asked for you to come over here so I could listen for signs of him moving around or trying to leave.” Dr.Sato explained with a sigh, frowning and casting his gaze in the vague direction of Rin’s bedroom, consequently causing Sae’s stress-levels to reach new heights.

“Why? What’s wrong? Are- you’re not nervous that he might try something again, are you?” Sae could barely manage the question aloud without wanting to heave as simply imagining Rin’s condition reverting back to the point of attempting self-harm was enough to make him sick to his stomach with dread and guilt. “What even happened in there!? He was perfectly fine this morning! What the fuck did you do to him!?” Sae accused blatantly, his voice dark and quiet with barely contained rage and hatred that, on some level, he knew was not rational… but, seeing as that the only change to their routine was Dr.Sato, he saw nothing else that could possibly bear the blame.

Apparently unbothered and unthreatened by Sae’s display of aggressive accusation, Dr.Sato simply sighed again before shaking his head. “I’m in charge of Rin’s wellbeing just as much as you are, Sae… meaning that, whether he seems stable or not, I will always choose to act with precaution. I’m not nervous or worried that Rin will try something simply because of what happened, but it’s a safety measure that I feel is always reasonable to employ given his circumstances… That is all.” He explained patiently and, for the sake of reaching his little brother as quickly as possible, Sae took a deep breath, momentarily reigning in his skepticism and frustration to hear the man out.

“Fine.” Sae bit sharply, his voice taking on a cold, judgmental tone as he spoke. “Then tell me, what happened? It’s only been twenty minutes—forty minutes short of a full session—so, what the hell happened up there? What did you say to Rin that’s obviously got him so upset and you so worried?” It was formatted as a question but, in truth, Sae really wasn’t asking; as Rin’s caretaker, he was obligated to crucial information and insight regarding his little brother’s current state to be reported to him by the therapist… and, even if he wasn’t allotted such privileges, Sae would’ve been willing to physical fight Dr.Sato if it meant he could understand what was going on.

Still obviously unbothered by the threatening, demanding aura Sae was trying—and succeeding; he knew that for a fact—to deploy, Dr.Sato didn’t falter or even blink as he regarded him for a few moments before sighing, handing his clipboard over to Sae, and quickly moving to explain before he’d even had the chance to read it in full. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before so I’m not troubled beyond simply having my predictions come true… but, Rin is incredibly defensive and resistant to all of my inquiring and towards therapy in general.” He began to explain, pausing and once again glancing up towards the upstairs before purposefully lowering his voice; he most likely didn’t want Rin to hear them talking about him. “It’s extremely common behavior—not even just for people in similar situations as him, but in general—to feel- how should I word this… attacked when first beginning therapy and, from what I predicted when initially meeting him, it seems that Rin is particularly sensitive to this.” With that, Sae felt his heart sink, an awful, dreadful knowingness washing through him as he heard Dr.Sato speak; of course Rin would feel attacked… how couldn’t he when, for the past year, he’d been suffering through Sae’s attacks? “I don’t see it as a sign for concern as long as he eventually starts opening up… but, I could tell that he was feeling agitated and that he most likely wouldn’t be susceptible to any further attempts at inquiring, so I gave him the option to end our session early… which he took, of course.” He finished, smiling and shrugging patiently when Sae’s brow furrowed as he worked through processing and analyzing everything he’d just heard.

“So…” Sae began, his voice raw and uneven from the pure anxiety that coursed through him. “So you think Rin’s not opening up to you because he feels attacked, right? Because… he feels judged and mocked?” Dr.Sato hadn’t even explicitly described Rin’s reaction to be anything aside from attacked but, understanding the source of Rin’s insecurity paired with the fact that Sae himself had also dealt with something similar when he’d first seen a therapist, he could all-too-accurately assume what his little brother was experiencing right now.

“Ah.” Dr.Sato exhaled in mild surprise before nodding solemnly and smiling sadly. “Yes… Rin’s responses are short, stiff, and elusive, leading me to believe that he is indeed afraid of being mocked and judged.” He sighed, completely unaware of how his confirmation absolutely tore Sae’s heart into shreds; after all, he was the reason Rin was afraid of being mocked and judged. “But- again, I’m not very concerned yet.” The emphasis on that yet made Sae want to scream with frustration, dread, and fear. “Most clients of mine usually exhibit standoffish, defensive tendencies such as Rin… so, as long as he shows progress and willingness to cooperate over time, then I’m confident that things will progress as they should and he will eventually begin to improve.” He assured again but, being the recently developed stress-case that he was, Sae was barely even listening.

‘Rin might not improve and might start showing signs for concern’ was literally the only thing that Sae was hearing at this point… and it destroyed him; he’d been so certain—which in hindsight was simply blindsighted, naive, and willfully ignorant—that by being home, increasingly more receptive to Sae’s help, and starting therapy, Rin’s recovery was, to an extent, set in stone… but, Dr.Sato’s words were nothing short of a cruel but much-needed slap in the face; a reality check, if you will.”… and if he doesn’t improve? If he doesn’t start opening up and talking to you about things?” Sae sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose roughly and already dreading the answer.

“Well, in the best-case-scenario, Rin may never open up to me, forcing me to prolong the duration of his monitoring and wellness checks… but, even then, it is quite possible that he might simply improve on his own with enough rest and reflection… and, if that turns out to be the case, than all of our efforts will be successful regardless.” Dr.Sato explained and, for a moment, Sae almost allowed himself to feel a small, desperate sliver of relief… but, when reminded of the fact that that was the ‘best-case-scenario’ he felt that sparkle of hope wither out and die, one again replaced by anxiety and dread. “But-“ ‘but’; Sae was really starting to fucking hate that word. “-in regards to the worst-case-scenario, it is also possible that Rin will not open up to me and consequently will not improve… and, if that were to be the case, he might have to be admitted into a psychiatric-hospital specialized in monitoring and assuring that he doesn’t have access to means of self-harming or attempting suicide again.” He finished, hammering yet another nail into Sae’s coffin.

“Oh.” Sae exhaled stiffly, feeling as if all of the life and energy had suddenly been forcibly drained out of him; he felt sick… but, really, what else was new at this point? It was simply a deserved, chronic side-effect of being a terrible older brother. “So- if he… if he never gets better, he has to go to a psychiatric hospital?” He repeated, not sure why seeing as Dr.Sato had literally just explained it to him. “And then… if he does, he’ll have to stay there? Until- or… if he ever gets healthy enough to be safe alone?” Sae pushed on for whatever reason, enduring each and every solemn, sad nod that the doctor gave him. “And- if he never gets better… then that’s it? That’s his entire life? Living in a hospital and suffering there all alone until he dies?” He finished weakly, his shoulders slumping with defeat when- surprise, surprise… another nod ‘yes’.

“Well- he won’t be alone.” Dr.Sato rushed to add, quickly sensing Sae’s rapidly declining mood. “Family and friends will be allowed to visit him and he’ll have plenty of staff members around to-“

“To what? Stop him from hurting and killing himself? From hating life so much that he’d rather die than continue living!?” Sae snapped without warning but, almost as quickly as it had come, his anger and indignation faded back into a dull, numbing sense of defeat. “I- look, Dr.Sato… you’re a specialist in people suffering like Rin, aren’t you?” He sighed, shaking his head and not even waiting for a response before continuing. “I don’t care if he spends the rest of his life surrounded by friends and family in the most friendly, accommodating psychiatric-hospital in the world… if he’s suicidal, then it won’t matter for shit if me, our parents, or anyone else comes to visit him every single fucking day… because, in his mind, he’ll always be alone. Just- he’ll always feel unloved, exhausted, and all alone… don’t you understand?” Sae tried to explain desperately, sniffling and wiping his eyes as a bitter, humorless smile tugged at his lips. “He thinks he’s alone right now, Dr.Sato. He thinks that nobody truly loves him, wants to help him, or cares enough to see it through even when he’s at his worst… so- yes, he is alone and, unless he gets better, he will be alone until the day he-“ Sae couldn’t even finish, his voice cracking and devolving into a mess of weak, messy gasps and shuddering sobs.

He just couldn’t stand it… the idea of Rin, his little brother, spending the rest of his life like this in some sterile, emotionless hospital; lethargic, exhausted, insecure, lonely, passionless… and, worst of all, feeling abandoned by the people who were supposed to love him the most—that didn’t even apply to just Sae anymore; their shitty, good-for-nothing parents had also played just as big a part at abandoning Rin as he did… if in a more gradual, unobvious way. “I can’t- Dr.Sato, you don’t understand!” He gasped weakly, his voice barely above a strained, panicked rasp. “I- that can’t happen… I can’t let that happen to him! It’s all my fault- the reason he’s suffering and afraid like this is all my fault! So I can’t! I can’t let him end up in a fucking hospital! I don’t care if it takes my whole life… I have to do it! I have to make him get better! I just- I have to! I have to-“ voice already weak and strained, it was no surprise that it cracked and gave out again.

He couldn’t let this happen; he couldn't- literally could not physically bear to watch Rin shrink away from help and consequently condemn himself to pain, suffering, and loneliness simply because of the defensive, on-edge mentality he’d adopted- no… more like adapted to survive and fend of the cruelties hurled at him by Sae’s past-self; being the source of the problem, it was quite literally Sae’s moral duty to ensure that Rin found a way to get better… not that he was doing this out of a sense of obligation, but still.

He wasn’t sure how but, one way or another, he would have to find a way to ensure Rin’s recovery without any chance of failure…

Because, if he didn’t, Sae didn’t think he would be able to live with himself.

Chapter Text

Rin knew that Dr.Sato was undoubtedly reporting his resistance and lack of cooperation back to Sae—in their briefing, he’d been informed that, as his legal caretaker, Sae would have to be at least vaguely informed of his progress in regards to therapy—consequently worsening the disgusting, sickening feeling of being exposed; it felt as if tiny, squirmy little bugs were crawling across the expanse of his skin and no amount of sunlight would deter them… though, perhaps water would- “Rin.” Sae’s voice called out to him, startling him from his silent contemplation.

Gritting his teeth and refusing to meet Sae’s gaze, Rin busied himself with fidgeting with his hands. “What.” He answered flatly, despising the way the weight of Sae’s gaze only worsened that feeling of being exposed and judged that had plagued him the moment Dr.Sato had started asking questions and prying.

Rather than answer, Sae simply moved to sit down next to him, staying quiet for a few moments before finally speaking again. “Dr.Sato told me that you said you think therapy is a waste of time.” He sighed, his voice dangerously similar to something chiding… and, already feeling disgustingly vulnerable and exposed, Rin felt his chest heave with indignation and frustration under the weight of Sae’s perceived judgment—seriously, though- why else was he here if not to judge Rin? What other purpose would Sae have for confronting him if not to express his disappointment, disgust, and resent for his weakness and emotional-immaturity?

“Yeah? So what?” he snapped and, suddenly fuming with annoyance from essentially having been snitched on by Dr.Sato, Rin whipped his head around to glare directly into Sae’s eyes. “It is a waste of time… I’m perfectly fine now and I don’t need some bastard judging and making fun of me.” He huffed angrily, not allowing his gaze to waver even when he caught a flicker of something skeptical in Sae’s own.

“Rin, it’s not a waste of time because you’re not fine.” Sae countered without falter and, this time, Rin could confidently identify that he was indeed being scolded right now. “Dr.Sato isn’t here to judge or make fun of you, he’s here to help you… and- yeah, you do need it, whether you’ll admit it or not.” He declared in a matter-of-factly way, consequently fueling Rin’s rage and indignation for the situation as a whole.

“Oh yeah?” He snapped defensively without warning, focusing every ounce of venom and bite into his voice as he spoke words created with no motive other than to purposefully harm and hurt Sae. “And who’s fucking fault is it that I need therapy to begin with?” He growled, a sadistic, somewhat-terrifying part of his mind roaring in triumph when he saw a look of startled, desperate hurt flicker through Sae’s expression… but, much to his disappointment, it didn’t last very long before the other simply sighed, shook his head, and took a breath before turning back to give Rin a mild yet startling calm look.

“We both know whose fault it is, Rin… and- trust me, if you feel that you’re ready to have a conversation with me so that we can unpack and confront all of that, then I’d be happy to do so once we’re done dealing with the more pressing issue.” Sae sighed and, once again, a look of pain and guilt flickered across his expression but it was gone nearly as quickly as it had come. “But, this isn’t about blame or who’s to fault for this right now…” he began and, right before Rin could interject with something scalding as a counter, Sae held a hand up and gave him a desperate, pleading look so pitiful that he couldn’t help but momentarily comply. “This is about you and what’s best for your well being. I know that it’s hard not to feel attacked when Dr.Sato is asking you questions, and I don’t blame you for feeling that way…” Sae paused, giving him a meaningful look as if to silently acknowledge the fact that he wasn’t trying to escape from or invalidate the anger and blame Rin had directed towards him. “But, regardless of why you feel attacked, you can’t let that hold you back, Rin.” Sae tried to explain to him but, honestly, despite his obviously good-intentions and the logical points he brought, Rin couldn’t help but scoff, shake his head, and roll his eyes.

“I can’t let that hold me back?” Rin repeated with another roll of the eyes, his voice dark with bitter amusement. “Oh, wow- yeah, thanks for that, Sae. Why didn’t I think of that? Y’know, just not let everything you’ve ever done or said to me hold me back? Why didn’t I ever come up with such a brilliant, foolproof plan?” He drawled mockingly, knowing that he was being irrationally petty, defensive, and essentially only hearing what he wanted to, but Rin didn’t really care right now; he still didn’t believe that he needed therapy, and being scolded by Sae of all people was not about to change his mind.

“Rin- you’re not listening to me.” Sae sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing at his temple as if dealing with him was exhausting. “Look- I’m not trying to attack you or invalidate your feelings here, I’m just saying that you need to start taking this therapy thing seriously! Yes, I know it’s hard not to let things I or other people said bother you, but you’ll need to push past it! You’re suffering right now, Rin… you’re lethargic, bored, you barely do anything because of how exhausted you seem, and I haven’t seen you smile once since Isagi left!” He tried to explain, his voice growing raw with desperation and maybe even frustration… but, once again, fueled by his stubbornness and general sense of contempt for not only Sae but the situation as a whole, Rin chose to be willfully ignorant of the fact that- yes, what he was saying made sense to an extent, and rather decided to double-down, refusing to budge in the slightest.

“Oh- well I wonder why? Well, you said it yourself, Sae… Isagi is a much better brother than I am and I guess it turns out that it goes both ways.” Rin laughed bitterly, slightly regretful for even having brought it up as now his heart ached longingly at the memory of his newfound friendship… but, the mildly amusing sight of Sae’s eye twitching and his temple throbbing was worth it.

Unlike what an outside viewer would most likely assume if they were to witness this spectacle, Rin wasn’t actually actively angry or frustrated with Sae right now- or, well… nothing beyond the underlying, 24/7 resentment that was typical, at least. He was being a lot more difficult and stubborn than usual—and that meant a lot coming from him—but it wasn’t because he was upset with Sae personally… it just so happened that, consequences of feeling attacked and exposed usually manifested into cruelty and defensiveness that no one else was in the immediate vicinity to be the victim of

“What- Rin, are you serious right now? Yes, I know you hate me, okay? I know and acknowledge that I’m a terrible person who’s done awful things to you… yes, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you happy?” Sae huffed shortly, an unmistakable frustration painting his voice and expression as he spoke in a rushed, exasperated way.

“Not really.” Again, as satisfying as it was to see the great Itoshi Sae flustered, frustrated, and at a complete loss, Rin didn’t want anything from him—at least, not yet—and therefore could not be reasoned or bargained with. “Actually- no, not at all.” He drawled flatly, rolling his eyes and stubbornly refusing to meet Sae’s gaze with all the maturity of a small child who wouldn’t listen to their parents' scoldings.

“You- oh my fucking god, Rin…” Sae cursed through gritted teeth, wringing his hands before tearing one through his hair in a blatant display of frustration. “Then what? What would make you happy… please- god, just tell me. Just tell me what you want from me… tell me what I have to do to make you willing to actually listen to what I have to say about this therapy thing! I will literally do anything you want!” He was practically begging at this point, and Rin would be lying if he said that a small, almost imperceptible part of him wasn’t… touched in a way to see Sae so desperate and willing to forsake his pride for the cause… but, again, he refused to be reasoned with right now; besides- why should other people—whether that be Sae, Dr.Sato, or the institute of mental health practices—get to dictate whether Rin was healthy or not!? Yeah- it was true that he still hadn’t found the motive to do much of… well, anything lately, but so what? Plenty of people spent their days lazing about and it’s not like they were being forced into therapy, plus Rin was simply taking a break and resting until a newfound surge of motivation eventually seized him—which it eventually would—so, if anything, he was better than those people who were simply lazy!

Sighing and shaking his head, Rin ran an exasperated hand through his hair. “Nothing, Sae… nothings going to make me get on board with this, okay? Just- stop acting like you know what’s best for me already!” He huffed frustratedly, his mood tipping from weary, annoyed exhaustion back into bitter, prickly defensiveness. “I’m fine, alright? So what if I haven’t gotten back into my training habits yet? The point of therapy was to make sure I wouldn’t try to hurt or kill myself…” he trailed off, not even bothering to tread delicately around the topic of suicide in favor of just bluntly speaking the truth. “And I haven’t even thought about doing either since the hospital, so I’m fine and, for the last time, I don’t need fucking therapy.” He finished brashly, his chest heaving from exhaustion and the overall pent-up frustration of the last few days in general.

When around a minute of strained, heavy silence passed between them, Rin assumed that he’d finally won; that, with the many display of his unbudging stubbornness and aggressive dominance, Sae had finally come to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t be winning this particular fight… but, unfortunately for him, not only had Sae not chosen to submissively back down—dammit; those stubborn Itoshi genes worked against him sometimes!—but, he’d also apparently decided that he was going to play dirty and cheat. “Well then that’s too bad for you, Rin, because not only are you legally required to participate in a certain amount of sessions with Dr.Sato but, if you really decide to be stubborn and force my hand, I will personally suggest to Dr.Suzuki that you be postponed from Bluelock for even longer until you learn how to-“

“Wait- what!?” Rin shrieked, holding zero reserves against whipping his head around and glaring at Sae with all the ferocity and heat of a collapsing star… to which the other simply returned his gaze with an enraging amount of evenness. “What the fuck did you just say, Sae?” He hissed darkly, narrowing his eyes and daring the other to repeat what he’d said… and, when he did so seemingly without even the slightest hint of falter, Rin lost it; he’d been holding his ground against the dark, turbulent seas as best he could, but it seems that Sae threatening him was too much to bear.

Giving him a look that seemed to say: ‘what? You brought this on yourself’—which, first of all, no he did not—Sae sighed, not looking the slightest bit intimidated or bothered by the daggers Rin shot at him. “I said that I’ll suggest to Dr.Suzuki that you be postponed from Bluelock until you learn how to cooperate with your therapy, Rin… the therapy you desperately need despite your stubborn insistence that you don’t.” He repeated again flatly and, despite the fact that Rin knew refusing to cooperate with therapy and Dr.Sato would’ve most likely gotten him suspended from Bluelock for even longer regardless, something about Sae—the person who had been so fucking insistent on breaking him in the name of ‘improving at football’ before any of this had happened—scolding and personally threatening him with the possibility made Rin snap… but, not in the way it typically would.

If Rin wasn’t personally annoyed and angry with Sae before, then he definitely was now; as he sat there, stunned and in mild-disbelief, he felt a cold, frigid hatred deep into his bones as he sank further and further down into the eerily silent, void-like depths of the ocean… a place entirely devoid and impenetrable by any kind of sunlight. “You’ll get me suspended from Bluelock for even longer…?” He repeated again, voice dangerously quiet and, when Sae nodded once again, his face still barely showing any hints of possibly faltering or backpedaling, Rin could’ve sworn he felt his metaphorical-self’s descent suddenly halt; he’d reached the seafloor… a place of utter, pitch-black darkness.

As he sat there stiffly, regarding Sae with blank, still somewhat-disbelieving eyes and ear, he found himself rapidly forgetting—or maybe simply forsaking—the memory of the sunlight he’d just so recently come to depend on. “Sae.” Rin called out dully, so consumed by his silent rage that he couldn’t even identify the blatant, straining concern in Sae’s expression when their gazes once again met… and, it was precisely due to that reason that he allowed himself to speak words that, just this morning, he would’ve been hesitant to say aloud:

“I hate you.”

Chapter Text

Rin refused to talk to him- like… really refused to talk to him, almost to the extent that he had in the hospital—save for the angry, animalistic cursing and flailing; though, he was probably doing it internally—and Sae- well… Sae once again found himself at a complete loss; though, this time, it was much worse than simply being confused or flustered by Rin’s mood swings—god, what he would give to have his little brother start acting like that again; as confusing as it had been, it was still better than this; this was literally absolutely nothing. “Hey… you- uhm, are you ever gonna eat these or should I throw them out?” Sae chuckled quietly, waving the bag of still-uneaten gummy worms around and sighing with weak defeat when, predictably, Rin didn’t even spare him a glance.

Sae’s dilemma didn’t stem solely from the fact that he might’ve just completely ruined any semblance of progress he’d made in regards to his and Rin’s relationship—right after he’d finally managed to re-earn the title of ‘brother’, too—but because, unlike before, he couldn’t simply ‘take it back’ and apologize to his little brother for what he’d done this time—not that had even managed to apologize for the first thing yet, but the comparison still stood.

The things he’d forced Rin to suffer through and endure due to the justification of it ‘preparing him for football’ were absolutely disgusting and Sae vehemently despised it and his past-self precisely for that reason… but, unlike then, his reasons for making Rin hate him—not that he was actively working with the intent to make his little brother hate him for any purpose this time around; it was more like the opposite, even—were… justified? God- he hated using that term because- essentially, his methods were the same while simply taking on a different skin and motive… but, still, as disgusted and repulsed that he felt with himself for essentially threatening Rin with suspension from Bluelock as a means of motivation to start taking his therapy seriously, he still had to acknowledge that the difference in his past versus his current-self’s actions were definitely contrasting—at least, he hoped; seriously- if he was somehow gaslighting himself into believing that using this kind of ‘tough love’ on Rin was a good, justified method when, in reality, it still wasn’t, then let the universe strike him down and delete his very existence from his world this instant.

As lethargic and unmotivated as Rin seemed, Sae understood that—miraculously—he still seemed to harbor a burning, fiery passion for football and Bluelock beneath that weary shell… and, even if it came at the expense of his own chance at forgiveness and eventual reconciliation, Sae would unfalteringly continue to use every tool at his disposal as a form of motivation—what he hoped was the good, justified type this time—because, even if his Rin hated him forever for it, that was fine; before anything else, ensuring that his little brother’s happiness and the precious, priceless dream he still continued to chase survived all of this was and, from now on, always would be Sae’s top priority.

                      ~^~^~^~^~^~

It wasn’t that Sae’s resolve to always put Rin first had been the thing to falter—because it hadn’t and it never would again—but, rather, the confidence he had in the belief that this ‘tough love’ approach—which was still sickeningly similar to what he’d done in the past, if only slightly different due to the motivation his actions and intentions were sourced from—was in fact not justified and was actually harming Rin… something that made Sae want to puke seeing as, if his growing doubts were indeed correct, it would mean that he was just as disgusting, cruel, and inhumane as his past-self was.

This doubt didn’t fester from any kind of observation in Rin’s external behavior—aside from flat out refusing to talk, look, and interact with Sae, nothing else seemed to have change in regards to his demeanor and behavior—but simply because Sae was insecure; in all rationality, he knew that threatening and even making due on said threat could indeed easily be justified by the fact that, if Rin really didn’t show any signs of improvement, he wouldn’t even benefit from returning to Bluelock early anyways… but, insecurity and anxiety were hardly rational things, and the burning, screaming desire to never again allow himself to become the disgusting, inhumane, unloving monster that his past-self was essentially voided any and all chances Sae had of remaining purely logical; the price of staying human was dealing with emotions such as this, after all.

And, in all honesty, despite it not being the main cause of his newfound spike in insecurity and doubt, Sae had to admit that having the progress he’d made and the privileges he’d recently earned from Rin in terms of their relationship essentially erased was taking a toll on his mental wellbeing as well; he may be beyond the point of acting solely for the selfish desire to be forgiven and re-allowed into Rin’s life—like, actually re-accepted into his life; not just this weird, contradictory limbo they found themselves in—but that didn’t mean the desperate wish that he would was any less intense than it had been before! He still wanted the privilege of giving and receiving love from his little brother… and being constantly hammered with the reminder that his wish would most likely never come to pass now was heartbreaking. “Hey, Rin… do you want some?“ Sae asked with a weak smile, making a most-likely pointless attempt at offering out an ice cream-sandwich to him and, as if to further the conclusion that he had been so desperate not to reach, Rin didn’t even acknowledge him in the slightest.

Sae hovered with his hand outstretched in offering for a few more pathetically hopeful seconds but, when once again realizing that Rin wouldn’t respond to any kind of attempts at reaching out or making peace, he gave up, sighing wearily and settling himself down on the opposite side of the couch.

                      ~^~^~^~^~^~

By the time that two full days had passed since Rin had started ignoring him, Sae had all but allowed himself to be fully consumed by every ounce of the festering, prickling sense self-doubt and anxiety that been plaguing him… and, as per consequence of finally forsaking all rationally in favor—favor was a bad word; it was more like he was being forced—of succumbing to the darkest crevices of his mind, Sae began to spiral; almost every single waking thought that crossed his mind was something rooted in either disgust for himself, self-loathing, or just pure anxiety… and, honestly, he felt that he was starting to lose touch with reality—not that he could do much about it, though.

How could he have, if even for a single moment, allowed himself to believe that what he was doing to Rin now was any different to the cruel, manipulative things his past-self had done- or, could his past and present-self even be distinguished as two separate things anymore? Had Sae even changed or grown at all since the night he’d pushed his little brother to the point of wanting to kill himself? Who cared if Sae could ‘justify’ his reasoning for doing this to Rin as it being ‘for his own good’… hadn’t his past-self- or, present- or, no… fuck he couldn’t even tell anymore! Hadn’t he gaslighted himself into thinking that hurting, torturing, and abandoning Rin was justified by it ‘toughening him up’ and ‘preparing him for world-class football’? How could Sae ever be certain that he wasn’t actually hurting Rin without knowing it when it seemed like cruelty and manipulation were things that had become intricately tied into a part of his personality at this point- or… no, it wasn’t just tied to his personally, cruelty—whether it be purposeful or accidental—simply was the embodiment of Sae’s personality at this point; it simply was a part of who he was and, no matter how hard he tried to fight against it, he wouldn’t ever be able to escape from that aspect of himself.

Upon coming to the realization, Sae felt sick with disgust, self-hatred, and frustration to the point that he actually had to make a beeline for the upstairs bathroom—the second one, not Rin’s; he wouldn’t be able to stomach stepping foot in Rin’s right now—before kneeling over the toilet and dry-heaving for a few minutes before his sickness spell wore off—well, wore off wasn’t exactly a good descriptive; more like it lessened to the point that Sae didn’t feel like he might regurgitate his guts up and through his mouth at any given moment. “Dammit…” he cursed quietly, squeezing his eyes shut tight and willing the tears burning behind them not to spill over… but it was almost as hopeless an endeavor as it was to believe that he might actually have the capacity to be a halfway-decent big brother who didn’t have to manipulate Rin to motivate him.

Once he finally deemed himself ‘well enough’ to distance himself from the toilet without risking vomiting on the floor, Sae dragged himself back downstairs, refusing to meet Rin’s gaze—not that his little brother was even looking to begin with—before plopping himself down on the couch and curling up into as small a ball as possible; though, unfortunately, the position that many considered to be warm, soothing, and comforting didn’t do very much to help him.

While before he had been attempting at making small talk or just trying to reach out to Rin in general, Sae found himself too exhausted, weary, and disgusted by himself to even think about trying to make amends with his little brother right now… and, honestly, should he even be trying to anymore? If he truly was doomed to live a life as an inescapably cruel, terrible human-being that held no chances at ever possibly changing, then should he even be doing something as selfish as trying to worm his way back into Rin’s life if just to end up hurting him again? Surely that would be hypocritical and contradictory of his desire to always put Rin’s wellbeing and happiness first, wouldn’t it?

Sae didn’t know; he didn’t want to know… because, if his worst fears came to pass and he could in fact never change for the better, then he would have to confront the very-real possibility that he and Rin’s possible reconciliation might not even be the best course of action anymore, and- fuck, despite the fact that Sae wanted the best for his little brother above all else, he still couldn’t escape the part of himself that was selfishly human! It was bad enough when the only thing he had to fear was the idea that Rin might never forgive or offer him a second chance, but now this!? The idea that Sae himself might have to forcibly resist reconciliation of his own accord was an awful, horrifying prospect so intense he felt as if he could start bawling again if he were to dwell on it… but, luckily—or maybe not so luckily because it marked the end of his third day being entirely ignored—Rin apparently decided that it was late enough for him to wrap up and put himself to bed, meaning that Sae was quick to follow—he still refused to allow Rin to sleep alone; Sae was a fairly heavy sleeper and putting so much distance between him and his little brother would only make it that much harder to listen for any alarming noises and wake himself up.

After rushing through his nightly routine as per usual, Sae allowed himself to slump down into the hallway floor boredly as he listened and waited for Rin to finish his shower—again, being ignored or not, Sae would be damned if he lessened up on making sure Rin wasn’t possibly relapsing in the bathroom—only perking up ever so slightly when the door opened and a cold, dismissive gaze swept over him for a few moments… but, as quickly and abruptly as it had come on, it was gone, and Rin simply walked passed him without a word, settling himself into his bed and flicking off the lamp before Sae even had the chance to fully settle down on his sorry, pitiful excuse of a resting spot on the floor.

With a weak, almost-silent sigh, Sae let his eyes flutter shut and his body ‘relax’—like hell he could ever truly relax on the stiff, uncomfortable floor—as he welcomed the dark, still embracing of sleep to claim him…

But, unfortunately, his rest would be anything but peaceful.

Chapter Text

When Sae awoke, he could immediately tell that something wasn’t right… and, when he nervously glanced towards Rin’s bed, he was terrified to find that it was empty; his little brother was gone and, without even having to pause and take a single moment to contemplate it, Sae was suddenly gripped by the sickening, terrifying notion of simply knowing where he’d gone.

Rin was going to kill himself.

Seized by the vice-like grip of pain that threatened to tighten his throat to the point of restricting airflow, Sae gasped, floundering and scrambling around on the floor for a few minutes. “What- Rin! Rin- no!” He sobbed out with weak frustration, not understanding why, now of all times, it felt like his body refused to listen or cooperate with him; it felt as if his brain was filled with thick, numbing fluid that somehow translated to his limbs feeling as heavy as lead. “No! No!” He cried out again, his eyes blurring with tears and obstructing his vision to the point of blinding him entirely and, just when Sae was beginning to lose all hope, he blinked again and… suddenly, he wasn’t in his and Rin’s shared bedroom anymore; he found himself at the ocean.

Blinking and sniffling a few more times as he struggled to comprehend how he’d seemingly managed to transport from his bedroom floor to the ocean in the blink of an eye—quite literally—Sae was once again struck with a petrifying, nauseating wave of fear when his eyes adjusted and he realized that a dark, hazy silhouette stood twenty-something feet ahead of him, their back turned away as they faced towards the inky-black, crashing waves of the sea… and, without even having to see their face, Sae understood who they were and what they were about to do. “Rin!” He screamed… but- actually, he didn’t; although his chest and lungs heaved with the exertion of having let out a wild, feral scream, his voice barely managed above a strained, almost impeccable whisper… and, for the first time since he’d found himself outside, Sae realized that it was storming.

Despite the sky and almost everything in the surrounding area being pitch-black when Sae frantically took in his surroundings, he instantly understood that this was the same beach he knew all too well; the one he’d grown up at, the one Rin had first attempted to end his life at… and, now, if Sae didn’t find a way to project his voice beyond a hoarse, strained whisper, the beach where Rin would succeed in killing himself at once and for all. “Rin, Rin, Rin…” he cried out like a mantra, letting out a wild, guttural road when the frustration of not having control over his own voice peaked… but, when he steadied gathered himself enough to try again, he was startled to find that Rin was a mere few feet away, facing Sae head on with sorrowful, pained looking expression on his face.

“Ni-Chan?” His little brother called out weakly, his voice miraculously audible despite the roaring wind and noticeably strained with something heart-achingly close to hope. “Ni-Chan is that you?” He asked, frowning and tilting his head to the side and- without warning, Sae's eyes went wide as he was struck with the sudden notion that Rin was only six years old; his hands were small and pudgy, his eyes round and innocent, and, most startling of all, a big, ear-to-ear grin of pure love and admiration split his face when he looked up at him. “Hi, Ni-Chan!” He chirped happily and, as if his brain were on a ten-second delay, Sae only now realized that Rin called him ‘Ni-Chan’ again. “What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Spain so you could become the coolest, strongest striker in the world? Why did you come home early?” He asked innocently and, finally having found his voice, Sae frowned, his eyebrows screwing up in confusion as he struggled to process the impossible, incomprehensible turn of events.

“I… came home early because I thought something bad was about to happen.” Sae answered uncertainly, startling and physically recoiling when he realized the landscape surrounding them had once again shifted; rather than the dark, thundering ocean, Sae found himself himself at the all-too-familiar football field that the two of them had practiced on almost every before he’d left for Spain… and, if that wasn’t enough, Rin had also shifted; once again, he found himself face-to-face with a teenage version of his little brother… Although, rather than the deep-etched, permanent scowl that he usually wore, Rin continued to beam at him, his wide, turquoise eyes alight with joy, excitement, and admiration.

“Something bad?” Rin repeated, his bright, excited expression not faltering even under the weight of the bad news. “What could possibly be bad, Ni-Chan? You were invited to Spain to become the best striker and fulfill our dream! How could anything be bad after that?” He asked, tilting his head to the side and pursing his lips innocently… and, like before, Sae only then managed to realize where the source of his tingly, chilling discomfort came from; it was snowing .

“I’m not going to become the best striker, Rin… I’m going to become the best midfielder instead.” Sae announced with weak, defeated sigh, averting his eyes to spare himself the humiliation of telling his little brother that he hadn’t been skilled enough to achieve their dream like he’d promised… but, that was fine; if Rin still wanted to become the best striker—which he undoubtedly had the talent and mindset for—Sae would be more than happy to be his number one support and give him the best of passes from now on.

“Midfielder?” Rin repeated and, for the first time, his bright, endlessly cheery smile faltered, morphing into something closer to a scowl that made Sae squirm with even more humiliation and defeat. “But- but you said we would become the best strikers in the world together, Ni-Chan?” He frowned deeply and, despite knowing that Rin was simply in shock from the news, Sae couldn’t help but feel a twinge of agitation and indignation; yeah- easy for him to say… he had no idea how hard Sae had tried; no idea how much he’d suffered in the name of chasing their dream until, eventually, he found himself at the end of his line, his ego and aspiration crushed beneath the dirt.

“Well- I won’t.” Sae snapped suddenly, taken aback by the way his chest heaved with agitation and impatience… but, taking a deep, calming breath and trying to remind himself that it was perfectly natural for Rin to be confused by the situation, he spoke again, his voice a little softer this time. “But now you can be the best striker and I can give you passes-“ he tried to offer, desperate to explain to his little brother that, although Sae’s own dream had been crushed, they could still play together and become the best in the world in a different way… but, rather than be met with open arms and understanding, Rin’s expression morphed once again, this time into something like offended anger.

“Why wouldn’t you become the best striker, Ni-Chan?” Rin huffed angrily, his sharp, pointed eyes cutting through Sae’s already-defeated, crushed heart like a knife. “Isn’t that why you left me to go to Spain for so long? What were you doing there this entire time? Why aren’t you the best like you promised me you would be?” At this point, Rin was accusing him… but- in another confusing turn of events, it was no longer his little brother’s angry, betrayed eyes glaring at him, but the cold, dismissive, mocking ones of his teammates from Spain—the ones he’d had during his first few years there. “You’re really fucking pathetic, y’know?” They laughed and Sae was startled to find that he wasn’t himself anymore; well- he was… but, rather than the tall, strong body that commanded confidence, he was shorter, lankier, and clumsy; Sae was thirteen again. “Did you really think you could fly in from Japan and become the best striker like it’s no big deal? Did you really think that those worthless, defective plays of yours could ever amount to anything?” The voices mocked and, suddenly rearing with the pain of being utterly humiliated, Sae found himself snapping and lashing out blindly.

“Like you’re any better!? You’re the defective product, not me! If you think it’s so easy then why don’t you do it!? You all make me want to fucking puke! I don’t need pieces of shit like you in my life anymore!” Sae spat with every ounce of cold, dismissive venom that he could muster, his chest heaving and his eyes prickling with the threatening buds of tears… but, when he glanced up to gauge his teammates reactions to finally having stood up for himself, Sae was taken back to find himself once again at the ocean and, rather than having spat those awful, hurtful words at the people who deserved them, he’d spoken them to Rin. “Oh-“

“Y-you don’t really mean that, right, Ni-Chan?” Rin stuttered out weakly, his glassy eyes wide with fear and terror. “I’m- you don’t mean that, right? You don’t mean that you don’t need me in your life anymore… right? Please- Ni-Chan, don't say it’s true!” He begged and, with a heavy, regretful heart, Sae opened his mouth to take it all back; to apologize and do a better job of calmly explaining the reasons behind his decision to quit being a striker… except- he couldn’t speak because he didn’t have a mouth.

Frowning with the mouth he didn’t have and bringing a nonexistent hand up to ‘feel’ at the where his face should’ve been, Sae startled from his confusion when he realized that Rin had started to move- only, it wasn’t his little brother that stood before him anymore. In front of him stood… himself; with pink hair, an unbothered scowl, and sharp, piercing turquoise eyes, this imposter was the mirror-image of Itoshi Sae. “It’s true, Rin.” The fake Sae confirmed with a dismissive roll of the eyes and a scoff of annoyance.

“B-but Ni-Chan-!” Rin cried and Sae—the real one; him—was startled to realize that his little brother was still here, slumped defeat into the wet, glistening sand and looking up at the fake Sae with an expression that was nothing short of pure terror. “It’s not true! You wouldn’t abandon me and our dreams like that-!”

“Well, you’re wrong.” Fake Sae cut him off before he could even finish. “I don’t care about you, Rin. You don’t even exist in my eyes and, as far as I’m concerned, my life would be easier and better if you were never born as my little brother to begin with.” He finished and, just when real Sae had been bracing himself to tackle and rid them both of the fake, he realized that the imposter before him was gone; he realized that, the one who had been saying those cruel, disgusting words was not in fact a body snatcher or a fake… it had been him the entire time and, when he had sprung forward to attack, he hadn’t been leaping at a weird, incomprehensible duplicate of himself… but at a wide-eyed, sobbing Rin. “You’re disgusting, Rin.” He spat, internally screaming and berating himself for having the audacity to speak to his little brother with such terrible, hurtful words. “I fucking hate you, I wish you were never born.” No- no!? Why was he saying these things!? Why couldn’t he control himself!? “You’re nothing but a useless, pathetic burden and that’s all you ever will be to anyone.” STOP! STOP! STOP! “I wish you were never born- and, you know what? Since you’ll never amount to anything, why don’t you just do me and everyone else a favor by killing yourself?” WHY COULDN'T HE STOP HIMSELF!? WHY COULDN’T SAE CONTROL HIS OWN MOUTH ANYMORE!? “Everyone would be happier if you were dead, Rin! Nobody loves you and nobody ever will! Just fucking kill yourself! Kill yourself so I won’t have to deal with the burden having such a worthless little brother!” IT’S NOT TRUE! I DON'T MEAN IT! STOP SAYING IT! I DON'T MEAN THAT! I DON'T WANT MY BABY BROTHER TO LEAVE ME! I NEED HIM! I NEED HIM- “I don’t fucking need you anymore, Rin! Just do it! Just fucking kill yourself so I never have to see your disgusting, worthless face ever again-“

Rin’s face; it was frigid to the touch, ghostly white, and somehow stiff. His eyes were opened- but, rather than the hurt, terror, and pain Sae had been expecting to see, they were utterly blank and devoid of all light and emotion. “Rin…?” He called eventually, apparently somehow having managed to dispel the evil, demonic voice that had possessed him just a few moments ago. “Rin? Rin? Wake up- what… what are you doing?” He whispered, shaking his little brother with a little more insistence. “What are you doing? Wake up? Wake-“

Rin was dead.

As if suddenly hit full impact by a speeding bullet train, Sae felt any and all air rush out of his lungs in a strained, desperate sob… and, just when he believed himself to have reached the zenith of grief and suffering, he was suddenly seized by a vice-like grip that wrapped around his raw, exposed heart and squeezed so tightly that Sae was convinced that the pain racking through his body was not made to be endured by a human-being. “Gh-“ he choked, going wide eyed when he realized Rin’s body was no longer in his grasp before falling forward into the soaked, frigid sand below him. “No-“ he tried to beg out loud to no one in particular—Rin wasn’t around to hear him anymore—feeling as if he himself were on the verge of death as well. “No- Rin…” it couldn’t be true; his little brother couldn’t be dead. “It’s not true. It’s not-“

“Sae.” Rin’s voice called out to him and, in a desperate, terrified panic, Sae scrambled to find purchase on the sand and wrench himself up into a sitting position… but, when he turned his wide, hopeful eyes towards the source of the sound, he stopped, sheer petrification and horror freezing his body to the spot; before him stood Rin… but, unlike what he’d been desperately hoping for when he heard the sound of his name being called, Sae realized that his little brother, despite being stood up and staring directly at him, was not alive; he had ghostly pale skin only occasionally interrupted by the occasional splatter of red or purple discolored bruises, glazed over, expressionless eyes, and, worst of all, a massive, gaping section of his left shoulder was simply… missing, with dark reddish-brown cartilage that had been torn and shredded to a nauseating extent sagging out of the gash. “Sae.” He- no, it repeated again and, when Sae realized that this- this corpse was slowly walking towards him while repeating his name, he began to shake his head, sheer terror fueling him to momentarily push past the pain as he began to stumble and drag himself backwards. “Sae.”

Sae didn’t know it was even humanly possible to feel fear to this extent and, what made it even more unbearably horrific was the fact that, aside from the chanting call of his name, everything around him went dead silent; the sound of waves crashing, wind howling, and thunder crackling the sky was simply gone, leaving Sae no other option but to focus solely on the thing calling out to him. “Sae, Sae, Sae.” It chanted like a mantra and, with a sinking feeling of dread, Sae realized that, regardless of how fast he scrambled and crawled away, he wasn’t actually making any distance; it was only a matter of time before the corpse slowly creeping closer reached him. “Sae, Sae, Sae.” It called, its blank, zombie-like eyes seeming to pierce Sae’s very soul as it finally caught up, its neck making a slew of sickening, repulsive creaking and squelching sounds as it tilted his head down to look directly at him. “Sae, Sae, Sae.”

“What…” Sae rasped, his voice strained and barely above a whisper as he squeezed his eyes shut tight, silently wishing, praying, and attempting to manifest an escape from his living hell. “W-what do you want from me…” he sobbed tiredly, gritting his teeth and not even trying to suppress the rapid rise-and-fall of his chest as he hyperventilated. “What the hell do you even want from me!? I didn’t mean it! Can’t- can’t you see I’m trying my best to make up for it!? Can’t you see I’m trying my best to change and save you!? What do you want! What am I supposed to do-“

“JUST WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

Chapter Text

Groaning and blinking his tired, sleep-crusted eyes openly dazedly, Rin was both annoyed and disappointed to find that his surroundings were still cast in darkness, only a faint, silvery glow illuminating the room ever so slightly; it was still the middle of the night, it seemed. “Fuck…” he groaned with exasperating, squeezing his eyes shut and willing himself to simply fall back asleep… but, when the quiet, barely-audible sound of a distant whimper reached his sensitive ears, Rin realize he’d been woken up by a noise rather than just pure coincidence. “Huh…?” He huffed tiredly, groggily shifting until he was sitting up in his bed and pausing for a few moments as he waited for an indicator of where the whimper had come from—listen- if he were a little more coherent and less tired, then his normally sharp, alert mind would’ve immediately deduced that the noise obviously had to have come from Sae… but he was tired, okay!?—and, when he realized it had been sourced from Sae, he’d been moments away from scoffing, rolling his eyes, and simply returning to his attempt at falling back asleep… but, when another soft, pained whimper escaped broke the otherwise-silence, Rin eventually decided that it would be better to simply shake the other awake as a means of silencing his mumbling. “Hey- bastard, wake up and stop whining.” He hissed angrily—maybe if Sae hadn’t pulled that whole ‘threatening and scolding’ stunt then Rin might’ve considered being a little bit gentler in his approach, but he was still fuming, frustrated, and resentful because of what had happened a few days ago—rolling his eyes and begrudgingly dragging himself from his bed and moving to crouch down next to the other. “The fuck are you whining about in your sleep.” He spat, narrowing his eyes and giving Sae’s shoulder an unnecessarily rough shove… but the other still refused to wake up, consequently fueling Rin’s agitation and contempt. “Dammit you idiot, just…” he trailed before he could finish, his short, fiery temper faltering and subsiding a little when his eyes eventually adjusted enough to take in the sight of the sleeping figure before him.

Sae, although obviously dead-asleep, looked absolutely awful; his eyebrows were pinched as if he were in pain, his mouth was etched into a pitiful, wavering frown, and—what Rin found to be most startling of all—he had a steady stream of tears leaking from the corners of his eyes that left glistening, glaring tear-tracks in their wake. “What?” Rin whispered, his own expression pinching with hesitation when another weak, strained whimper escaped from Sae’s mouth as he writhed and shifted in his sleep. “Dammit…” he sighed and shook with exasperation, regarding Sae mildly for a few moments before bringing a hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose.

He wasn’t sure why, but seeing Sae in such a pathetic, defenseless state while clearly in the midst of a nightmare—he didn’t even know Sae could get those—made him falter, his temper receding and tapering off into something that was a lot more typical of his always-grumpy, annoyed-self rather than actual agitation and impatience; he supposed it was because, despite having seen Sae express a slew of different emotions—ones that Rin didn’t even know he was physically capable of feeling let alone expressing—the sight of him crying and whimpering with obvious discomfort to such an extent was still extremely alien to him… and, as much as Rin hated to admit it, he didn’t actively enjoy seeing Sae in pain—at least, not in this particular way, that was. “Idiot…” he grumbled, shaking his head and hesitating for a few moments before eventually deciding that maybe a slightly-more gentle, practical approach would be appropriate. “Wake up, Sae.” He demanded, begrudgingly maintaining a somewhat-softer, but still mildly impatient tone of voice. “Wake up-“

“Gh…!” Sae cried out suddenly, his expression tightening with what was obviously fear and—because tonight was simply full of surprises—Rin was startled to realize that Sae was in a cold-sweat and trembling? Holy shit- what the hell kind of nightmare could this guy even be having right now? “No- no!” Sae protested weakly and, in his fit of sudden, frantic flailing, he accidently whacked the hand that Rin had placed on his shoulder.

Clicking his tongue and frowning as something dangerously close to sympathy squeezed at his heart—look, he might still be angry, but he too knew and understood the torment of suffering from nightmares, so it was only natural that he would dislike being reminded of the pain, if only inadvertently—Rin repositioned his hand to shake and prod at Sae with a little more insistence. “Hey- wake up already.” He huffed, unable to fight against the wince that escaped him when Sae’s discomfort and suffering only seemed to worsen with each attempt. “Wake up.” He called out with a little more insistence and, despite being actively aware of how irrational it was, Rin couldn’t help it when an uncomfortable, fluttering panic settled over him; seriously, how had Sae not woken up yet? Nothing was actually wrong with him right now, was it? “Sae, wake up.” He huffed, gritting his teeth and furrowing his eyebrows when his attempts had zero effect- or, no… even worse, they seemed to be actively hurting and frightening the still-unconscious Sae into an even more panicked, frantic state.

“No- no…” Sae whimpered pathetically, once again subconsciously attempting to shrink away from Rin’s voice and touch. “What- I don’t… stop…!” He mumbled in protest, his eyes visibly fluttering and restless beneath their lids in an oddly-disturbing, unsettling way that had Rin’s irrational panic and discomfort skyrocketing.

“Wake up.” Rin demanded firmly, gritting his teeth and leaning over Sae’s unconscious figure to grab and roughly shake him by both shoulders. “Damnit- wake up, Sae! Please!” He pleaded desperately, hating the way his heart hammered and his chest heaved with exertion; he was genuinely afraid right now. “Wha- is something wrong with you? Why the hell can’t you wake up!” He huffed panickedly, racking his brain for any kind of reasonable explanation as to why Sae still hadn’t woken up yet—was it possible that a nightmare could be so vivid and immersive that it trapped the victim to such a alarming extent? “Damnit, Sae… wake up!” He was almost shouting at this point, but he didn’t care; he just wanted Sae to wake up so he could rid himself of this frustrating, uncomfortable panic… and, when his next few attempts continued to fail hopelessly, said panicked peaked, gripping Rin’s heart with a genuine, confused fear that had him resorting to the most extreme thing he could think of. “JUST WAKE THE FUCK UP!” He cried out desperately at what was almost full volume, winding his right hand back a decent amount before slapping Sae across the face—okay- look, it probably would’ve seemed like he’d whacked Sae as a means of spiteful, petty revenge for what had happened a few days ago, but Rin was just genuinely afraid right now, alright!?

“Gah!” Sae cried out with a shaky, uneven gasp as his eyes flew open. “Wha- no…!” he shuddered, his still-fearful, teary-eyed expression going pale with shock as he practically shoved Rin away from him and clumsily scrambled backwards until his back hit the wall, to which he seemed to panic even further at the realization that he was trapped.

Scowling and gritting his teeth when agitation flared through him at initially having being shoved, Rin had been about to spit something biting and mocking… but, when the sheer, raw terror plaguing Sae’s expression registered with him, he quickly stamped down any contempt and venom that had almost escaped him. “Sae?” he whispered with a concerned frown, not even allowing himself to enjoy the monetary reprieve and relief that came with having successfully woken Sae up as it now presented him with an arguably even more disturbing, confusing, and panic-inducing sight. “What- Sae…?” Rin called out, frozen on the spot and not sure what he was supposed to do… but, when the raspy, uneven sound of Sae beginning to hyperventilate reached his ears, he found his body moving on pure instinct. “Sae.” He called out again as he began to hesitantly crawl closer, only pausing and freezing in place when Sae turned his wild, horrified gaze into him.

“R-Rin…?” Sae rasped weakly, going still for a moment until his glazed-over, uncomprehending eyes seemed to finally register that Rin was in the room with him… but, rather than relaxing at this realization, his terror and pain only seemed to worsen. “No- I’m sorry… I’m s-so sorry! Please don’t do it! I d-didn't mean it!” He sobbed incoherently, bringing his pale, trembling fingers up to grab and claw at his throat in a gesture that Rin understood all too well; he couldn’t breathe right now. “I don’t know why I said it! I couldn’t s-stop myself… I’m sorry! I'm so sorry-“ his desperately apologized until his voice cracked from the strain and, it seemed that, with this loss of momentum, Sae broke; with a weak, stuttering wail, he buried his face in his hands and sobbed, his entire body emoting violently as his chest heaved with the exertion of desperately searching for oxygen… and Rin, frozen with shock, couldn’t bring himself to do anything but watch.

Despite ultimately knowing what was going on to a certain extent—the easily identifiable nightmare paired with these symptoms were very clearly signs of a panic-attack—Rin was scared; he was shocked to see Sae, someone whom he considered to be the embodiment of strength, unfaltering confidence, and fearlessness—a viewpoint that had managed to survive to this day; whether he was piece of shit or not, anyone had to admit that Sae held true to those qualities—looking so… broken and weak—to an even greater extent than how he’d looked in the hospital, which was saying a lot. “Sae…” Rin called out quietly, his heart racing as he slowly gathered enough courage to once again shuffle closer to the other… and, thankfully—or, rather unfortunately when he thought about it—Sae seemed way too panicked and dazed to realize he was slowly inching his way closer. “Sae.” He repeated again once he’d managed to position himself directly in front of the curled up, shuddering ball that was Sae, hesitating for a few moments before reaching a tentative hand out to gently tap at the other's knee. “Hey, can you hear- gh!” Rin cried out with shock when, before he could even finish his sentence, Sae had, with a startling amount of agility and speed, managed to reposition himself in a way that he could yank him into a hug and squeeze him tightly. “Ugh- Sae! That hurts!” He winced, squeezing his eyes shut tight and gritting his teeth as pain-induced tears prickled the corners of his eyes; having his still-recovering ribs crushed by the strength of a professional football player was no joke. “S-stop it! That- oh…” he breathed out with relief before he had the chance to finish, basking in the reprieve that came with Sae suddenly loosening his grip.

“I’m sorry…” Sae mumbled weakly, his voice muffled on account of his face still being buried against his shoulder. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry!” He apologized desperately, his entire body racked by violent, tremoring sobs as he clutched and gripped at the back of Rin’s hoodie as if it were his only life-line. “I’m terrible… I- I can’t even go one second without hurting you!” He wailed, his voice somehow managing to portray delicate, fragile vulnerability despite its starkly contrasting volume. “I’m sorry- I’m so sorry for being such a terrible big brother!” he apologized again and, with this newfound clue, Rin began to hesitantly draw conclusions about what Sae could’ve possibly been having a nightmare about… but, he didn’t want to assume without further evidence; after all, Sae could simply be apologizing for hurting his ribs due to how panicked and emotionally charged he was rather than the two subjects actually being related.

“… why do you say that?” Rin asked flatly after a few moments of silence—save for Sae’s pitiful, desperate sobs—passed between them, narrowing his eyes and momentarily fighting against the deep-rooted, spiteful urge to simply affirm Sae’s faults… but, he also knew that there was a time and place to draw the line—even if Sae had apparently never been aware of when to draw his own when it came to hurting Rin before any of this had happened—plus, he was also just curious.

“I’m- because nothing’s changed, Rin!” He gasped out and, without warning, yanked himself back just enough so that they could see each other face-to-face, his expression one of desperate, defeated frustration. “I’m still the same terrible person that I was before any of this happened! I- I'm doing the same exact thing to you that I was when I first came to the house during your break! I’m still hurting you exactly the same! And- and…” He tried to explain further, but his usually-sharp, confident mind must’ve been struggling due to the panicked, hazy brain-fog because he quickly dissolved back into a trembling, sobbing mess.

Frowning and scrunching up his nose with confusion, Rin didn’t even try to fight it when Sae once again buried himself against his shoulder and sobbed. “The same thing…?” He repeated slowly, unable to understand what could possibly be going through Sae’s mind right now; although Rin was beyond enraged at having being threatened to have his Bluelock privileges suspended for even longer, there was literally nothing Sae had done during this last week- no, scratch that… this last month that held a candle to the humiliating, soul-crushing way he’d treated Rin during their first week together in the house… so what the hell was he going on about right now? Had Rin been correct to assume that the nightmare Sae had been having was related to how remorseful he seemed to be? “What are you even talking about?” he huffed, gritting his teeth and momentarily pushing past the pain that stabbed through his chest and ribs when Sae’s hold on him tightened again; he wanted answers and wasn’t about to risk interrupting them because of a little bit of physical pain.

“I’m- it’s the same! I’m- Im hurting you by threatening to suspend you from Bluelock just like I was hurting you by saying all those terrible things to you!” Sae cried weakly, gasping loudly in a way that signaled he was begging to hyperventilate again… but, rather than comfort him, Rin once again found himself too stunned and confused to act; how- in what strange, illogical world did scolding and trying to cohort him into therapy equate to the awful, humiliating insults Sae had spat at him before? Was he actually serious right now? Did he really believe those two starkly opposite actions to be even remotely comparable in the slightest? “I’m trying my b-best Rin, I swear! I’m- but I don’t know how to be a good brother anymore! I don’t know how to be good to you like I was before and- and I hate it! I hate that I’m such a terrible person, and I hate that I couldn’t convince you to take therapy seriously w-without having to manipulate you!” Sae continued to cry out in explanation, his scattered, uneven breaths only worsening with each confession… and, meanwhile, Rin felt as if he were experiencing a mental revelation.

By now, Rin was well aware of how remorseful Sae was for what he’d done in the past… but, for some reason, seeing the extent of his guilt, fear, and insecurities manifesting in such a raw, vulnerable way really hammered the notion home for him. He didn’t think that he’d ever seen Sae so broken about anything before in his entire life, and to discover that it stemmed from how fearful and insecure he felt about possibly regressing back into the cold, cruel version of himself from before and consequently harming him? He’d really forced himself to endure such obviously stressful, self-inflicted torment all for the sake of trying to be a good big brother for Rin again? “… dumbass, it’s not the same. Are you stupid, or what? Aren’t you supposed to be the calm, logical, and rational one? How did you manage to delude yourself into thinking that those two things are even remotely comparable?” He huffed shortly, holding his breath when Sae seemed to still for a few moments before pulling back to look at him with a hesitant, yet hopeful look—seriously, how was Rin supposed to ignore him in such a state when he looked this pathetic? “You’re not hurting me, idiot. Yeah- I’m fucking pissed off that you’re trying to cohort me into therapy, but you seriously think that that’s hurting me to the extent that what you’ve said and done in the past has?” He almost rolled his eyes even just imagining what kind of mental-gymnastics Sae must’ve been experiencing to reach such a conclusion. “No- Sae, telling me that I’m ‘worthless’ and ‘not necessary in your life’ is very much not the same as what you're doing, so cut this self-loathing bullshit out right now.” He demanded roughly, narrowing his eyes and glaring when Sae didn’t seem quite convinced. “You’re an annoying, exhausting, overbearing piece of shit and I still hate you… but, no, you’re not the same person that you were a month ago, alright?” He huffed shortly, averting his eyes and attempting to will away the embarrassment that came with begrudgingly admitting the truth; it didn’t work. “Just stop freaking out already, okay? Just… look- if it makes you calm down, just take some comfort in knowing that you’re slightly less terrible and unbearable than before, alright? Does that make you happy? Is that what you need to hear?” He grumbled, the tips of his ears burning red; he wasn’t used to paying compliments in general—if that rough, jagged speech could even be called a compliment—much less to Sae of all people.

“… really?” Sae whispered quietly, his voice and expression nothing short of meek and pitiful as his breathing slowly but surely evened-out—seriously, who’s sick twisted idea was to create Sae with a shit personality but such a pathetic, pitiful face? “Do- do you really mean that? You’re… not just saying that, right?” He was practically pleading at this point and Rin couldn’t help but feel his agitation slowly receding once again; fuck him for having such a sad face!

“Why the hell would I say it if it wasn’t true? It’s not like I’m trying to make you feel better… I’m just stating facts.” It wasn’t entirely a lie; Rin really wasn’t exaggerating about the fact that Sae was a million times more gentle, considerate, and just a much more loving person overall when comparing him to a little over a month ago… but the part about not wanting to cheer him up? Yeah, that was utter bullshit and he knew it; even if it was simply rooted in pity and discomfort, Rin hated to see Sae in such a state. “Now, will you stop freaking out and apologizing every ten seconds? It’s pathetic.” He spat, but his voice held no real venom and it seemed like Sae understood that too.

“… you really think that I’m a better brother than before?” He asked again, his voice so quiet and fragile it was almost inaudible; it looked like, if Rin were to say ‘no’, he would break down for good… but there was also something else in his voice, something oddly reaching and hopeful despite Rin having literally just affirmed his doubts less than a second ago but he couldn’t quite place what it might be.

Clicking his tongue and giving Sae a uncharacteristically gentle jab to his side, Rin scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I already said that you were, alright? Stop trying to fish for compliments, you bastard.” There was no way this arrogant little shit was getting cocky after a single ‘compliment’—literally the very first one Rin had paid him in years, too.

For a reason that was currently beyond him, Sae’s eyes widened for a few moments and his expression could only be described as one of hopeful awe—seriously, was a few praises all it took to make him so happy? Stupid—before he once again broke down into a fit of weak, trembling sobs against his shoulder… and, after realizing that Sae had no intention of letting go anytime soon, he sighed, shaking his head with exasperation as he silently contended and battled with his pride… but, for the sake of convenience—and a newfound- how should he put it… appreciation and acknowledgement towards Sae’s efforts and struggles—Rin decided to be merciful. “Annoying.” He hissed, pushing Sae away from him with an uncharacteristic gentleness before scooting back enough to collect the other’s pillow and blanket from the floor… but, despite how non-threatening and careful he was trying to be with his movements, Sae seemed to get the wrong idea; his still-teary expression seemed to dawn with the false assumption that he was being kicked out… but, luckily for him—seriously, Sae would really owe him for this—Rin, although finding it a tiny bit amusing, didn’t allow it to last for very long before clarifying his intentions. “Stop making that face, you look pathetic.” He sighed as he tossed Sae’s pillow and blanket into his own bed, rolling his eyes when the other—who still remained a pathetic, crying mess on the floor—didn’t seem to understand. “Are you really the same genius Itoshi Sae who’s supposed to be a master at reading situations? I’m inviting you to sleep on the bed, dumbass… but- don’t get excited, this is a one time thing because I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with you crying like a mess on the floor like that.” Rin tried so hard to maintain an uncaring, exasperated facade… but it was pretty damn difficult when his gesture quite literally spoke the exact opposite of his words.

“… really?” Sae gasped quietly, clumsily pulling himself to his feet and taking a few steps forward before nervously freezing in place, only resuming his slow, hesitant journey—yes, journey; that’s how long it took him to reach the bed… slow bastard. “I can?” He asked meekly despite already having sat down on the edge of the bed with a dazed, exhausted expression that warned he was most likely on the verge of passing out on the mattress, permission or not.

“I said yes… don’t make me change my mind by being even slower.” Rin grumbled as he turned away to busy himself with fixing his own pillow and sleeping-section, rolling his eyes when he turned back to find Sae already set up under the covers and looking way too comfortable considering he was having a mental-breakdown on the floor less than five minutes ago—for someone who took so long to simply reach the bed, he sure made himself at home in almost an instant. “So annoying…” he sighed, internally cursing his weak, emotional heart for once again having let its guard down so easily…

But, to be fair, given Sae’s pitifully fragile condition, he could quite confidently say that the other was in a much more vulnerable, defenseless state of mind than Rin was right now… and, alike earlier, the realization and notion that Sae too was struggling so dearly because of his own past mistakes was a little bit of an eye opener for him; it made Rin consider that, maybe- just maybe, it wouldn’t hurt to… lessen up on him just a little bit.

Maybe Sae occasionally deserved a little bit of sunlight too.

Chapter Text

For the first time in a while, when Sae initially woke up, he didn’t immediately jolt upright, wince and cringe as he forced himself to brave whatever new new pains and repercussions that arose from having slept on the floor, or dread what kind of awful, confusion emotional-flurry might be awaiting him for the day… he simply kept his eyes closed, dazedly basking in the soft, plush comfort of awaking on a mattress—huh, that was odd; why wasn’t he on the floor right now? “Mm…” he hummed, instinctively nuzzling into the relaxing, strangely-familiar warmth he was snuggled up against—that was also odd; since when had his pillow gotten so comfy and warm? “Huh?” He exhaled out dumbly, bringing a hand up to wipe at his sleep-crusted eyes before blinking them open with confusion… and, the second his slow, groggy mind finally registered the situation, memories of what had happened last night, he gasped, instinctively flinching and internally bracing himself for some kind of sharp, mocking curse to be spat at him… but there was none. “Rin…?” He called out hesitantly, startling a little when he realized that the ‘warm pillow’ he’d been clutching and snuggling against was actually just his little brother’s arm… his little brother who was very much awake, obviously aware of Sae’s presence, and had yet made the inexplicable decision not shove him away and curse at him?

“What.” Rin’s even, indecipherable voice answered almost immediately. “What’s with that face?” He quirked an eyebrow up, rolling his eyes when Sae offered him no response. “Y’know, you’re really lukewarm to have only gotten to level six.” He mused without any kind of explanation and, only when Sae realized that Rin was using his phone to play a game—what was that- geometry dash? he thought he’d deleted that game years ago?—did he understand the situation… or- well, understood wasn’t exactly the right way to put it seeing as the casual, borderline-amusement in Rin’s voice as he almost-playfully teased Sae only served to confuse and stun him even further.

Not daring to respond or even reposition himself out of the awkward, embarrassingly clingy position he’d awoke in—seriously, though… When was the last time he and Rin had legitimately cuddled with each other? Maybe- what, when they were twelve and ten?—Sae froze, fearful that, if he were to make any kind of sudden movement or loud noise, he might break whatever kind of weird, strangely-tolerant spell that had seized Rin… so, left with no other choice but to simply contemplate how the hell having that dreadful, arguably traumatizing nightmare had led to this situation, Sae allowed his eyes to slip shut and his mind to recall every detail of last night.

Luckily, he could only recall fragments of that awful, terrifying nightmare he’d had—though, the uncomfortable, painful memory of how it felt still lingered and stuck to him like an unwanted, itchy layer of second skin—meaning he was able to focus the majority of his efforts into reflecting on the much more intriguing, somewhat-unbelievable aspect of what had happened; Rin, the very person who held zero reserves in regards to politeness and had no reason to exaggerate as a means of comforting him, had confidently—albeit begrudgingly and somewhat hurtfully—assured Sae that he was not in fact regressing into his past-self, but was actually improving in terms of his quality as a person… and- god, Sae couldn’t even begin to express how much he’d wanted and needed to hear that small, but extremely impactful affirmation.

Despite his naturally cautious, skeptical nature, Sae could say with 100% confidence that Rin would never say such fluffy, sweet words to him without actually believing them to be true—well- to be fair, said ‘fluffy’ and ‘sweet’ words were delivered alongside a slew of mocking, impatient insults, but the sentiment still stood equally as strong regardless!—meaning that he genuinely meant it when he’d given Sae credit for being a better person and- more importantly, he hadn’t been lying when he’d said that, although he was still angry and resentful of what he’d said and done in regards to the ‘therapy situation’, Sae’s actions hadn’t actually hurt him… which, thank the fucking gods or whatever the hell was out there—if anything—that all of his worries and insecurities truly had just been irrational mental-gymnastics on his part… but, unfortunately, this lead to Sae having to confront something that wasn’t as simple and straightforward as last night; where the hell did he and Rin stand now?

Sae, despite being emotionally-constipated—as he was slowly coming to realize and accept—and terrible at reading social cues, at least had the coherency and competence to understand that Rin had indeed been trying to comfort him last night… So what did that mean for the future of their relationship? Was this newfound tolerance of physical affection and willingness to communicate again a sign and gesture that, although he was clearly still upset, Rin actually wasn’t planning on holding it against him for the rest of their lives? “Rin.” He called out without warning, a little startled by the sudden rush of confidence and curiosity that had prompted him to speak… but, he needed verbal answers directly from the source right now, and he wasn’t about to psych himself out before he could find the opportunity to ask; besides, Rin might not remain tolerant for much longer so, unless he wanted to risk spiraling down a rabbit-hole of dark, twisted self-doubt and insecurity again, Sae would have to make the most of this convenient situation. “Why aren’t you ignoring or yelling at me?” He asked, internally cringing at how trivial and childish his question sounded and was suddenly very grateful that he hadn’t yet decided to open his eyes.

For a few moments, there was only silence and Sae was concerned that he’d missed his window of opportunity and had once again been imprisoned to the silent-treatment… But, seconds before he’d been about to resign himself to defeat and disappointment, Rin’s mocking yet surprisingly soft and even voice answered. “You become too much of an anxious, pathetic cry baby when I ignore you, so I’ve decided that this is easier…” he trailed off with an exasperated sigh, his tone unbelievably close to something Sae was hesitant to identify as gentleness… but, because he was still Itoshi Rin, he couldn’t simply leave it at that—fair. “It’s only for convenience, though. Don’t start thinking that I don't still hate you.” He finished with a hiss… but his voice held little to no real venom, and it was precisely that realization that sent Sae spiraling with a cacophony of emotions and questions.

Without a doubt, Sae was certain that there was a lot of truth in that explanation… but, he was also aware that Rin wasn’t being entirely truthful right now either, consequently sending his mind down another path of irresistible curiosity. “… you’re being a lot nicer than what’s the bare minimum.” He lamented, unable to stop himself from speaking his mind out loud despite knowing that prodding at Rin’s explanation might end in disaster.

“Am I? What- so should I curse you out and kick you off my bed?” He snapped, genuine agitation and impatience weighing down his voice and signaling to Sae that cooperation and acceptance from this point on would most likely be the best option… but, just when he’d resolved himself to keep his mouth shut, Rin spoke again. “Look- I just… I didn’t realize that you were so stressed and freaked out about me ignoring you… and, I guess since you’ve become a slightly less shitty person during this past month, I won’t do something like ignore you just because I’m mad… but, that only applies as long as you don’t turn into a piece of shit asshole again!” He snapped, his voice strained with blatant embarrassment and flusteredness that Sae might’ve lamented on how adorable was if he wasn’t currently stunned with shock and disbelief.

What- was Rin… acknowledging him right now? Was he actually acknowledging how stressed and exhausted Sae had been these past few days and how much effort he’d been putting in to become a better brother? There was no way; Sae, despite having been desperate for this moment to arrive for so long, couldn’t believe it… but, when he finally scraped together enough courage to peek through his cracked eyes and look up at Rin, he realized the other was being sincere. It was true; he, in his calm, not-emotionally charged state of mind, was actively choosing to acknowledge and sympathize with Sae’s efforts and struggles… he was choosing to re-accept him right now.

He knew Rin could either hear or feel the way he swallowed thickly, let out a weak, shaky exhale, and the way his heart skipped a beat… but he didn’t pay the embarrassment very much mind; the warm, unbelievably comforting feeling that bloomed in his chest was much too powerful to allow for any sort of negative emotion to sneak past. “Thank you, Rin.” Sae whispered weakly, squeezing his eyes shut tight in an attempt to conceal the way tears had begun to pool in his eyes… but, if the way Rin huffed and sighed was any indicator, he knew what Sae was doing.

“Whatever.” He grumbled begrudgingly, presumably returning back to the game he was playing on Sae’s phone if the music was anything to go by. “But- you better not wake me up in the middle of the night with your crying anymore now that you have no reason to be stressed out.” Well- to be fair, as desperately relieved and touched as Sae felt by this new, unexpected turn of events, that wasn’t entirely true… and, unfortunately, that realization felt like something of a reality-check delivered in the form of a slap to the face.

He was hesitant to cause conflict considering he’d literally just made unbelievable amounts of progress with Rin without even trying to, but Sae had resolved himself to always place his little brother’s wellbeing above his own selfish desires and he wasn’t about to cave now. “… that’s not true.” He mumbled, holding his breath and tensing when he felt Rin exhale… but he also wasn’t immediately interrupted, so he took it as a signal to continue. “Rin- look, I know you’re still angry with me about the therapy thing…” he trailed off, hesitating for a few moments before begrudgingly shifting into a sitting position; shame, he had been quite enjoying being allowed such intimacy… but he felt this conversation was something fragile enough that they should at least be able to look each other in the eye. “But I can’t just let it go. I know that it makes you feel uncomfortable… but—and I know I’ve said this before—you can’t let something like that be what prevents you from getting help.” He tried to explain desperately, summoning every last ounce of willpower to ignore the part of his heart that screamed at him to avoid confrontation in favor of simply enjoying this newfound development… But, it was extremely difficult not to backpedal and apologize when Rin went silent, put down his phone, and turned to look at him; predictably, he looked agitated and impatient… but, to Sae’s surprise, rather than lash out or get defensive like last time, Rin simply regarded him for a few moments before sighing.

“Why should I?” He asked and, for a second, Sae’s heart weighed heavy with defeat… but, when Rin continued to regard him with a mild, yet expectant look, he realized that hadn’t been a rhetorical question; he was genuinely requesting and allowing for Sae’s input and suggestions right now… which- holy shit, how was it even possible that the most progress he’d ever made in regards to their relationship happened when he wasn’t even actively trying?

He was caught off guard by Rin’s spontaneous willingness to hear him up but, after a few awkward moments of floundering and racking his brain for words of explanation, Sae once again found his voice, willing it to remain steady, confident, and persuasive while also making sure not to come off as bossy or demanding. “Because it means you’ll be allowed back into Bluelock sooner… and- even if you were allowed back on your own eventually, you have to admit that you won’t be back to 100% if you don’t work this out with someone… you’ll suffer both physically and mentally if you don’t get yourself sorted out emotionally.” He explained, internally cringing and panicking when he realized how poorly his words might be interpreted given the nature of what he’d done in the past, so he quickly rushed to add to his explanation. “Plus- Bluelock aside, you cannot tell me that you feel even remotely okay right now, Rin. You’re still lethargic, you still don’t go out of your way to find any kind of entertainment for yourself, and you- you’re just sad, okay? I can just tell that you’re sad, Rin… I hate seeing you like this and I don’t want you to end up in some- some psychiatric hospital where you’ll most likely get even worse… so, please? Look- I know you hate it, but please just endure it for a little while so you can get better and healthy.” Sae really hoped that he didn’t sound as condescending as he feared he did; he wasn’t trying to be so confrontational about it—obviously—but, as much as he’d apparently improved, gentleness still wasn’t exactly second-nature, especially when it came to situations like this.

“Sad? So what if I am? I’m always sad, Sae… I have been for years.” Rin countered flatly and, despite not having actively said it, Sae was all too aware of the implications and subtext behind his words; ‘you made me sad when you abandoned me’ was the only thing his guilt-ridden, defeated heart allowed him to hear… and, just when he’d been about to sight, shake his head, and resign himself to the fact no amount of peaceful reasoning would truly reach Rin, his little brother spoke again, thoroughly catching him off guard with the 180° his tone, demeanor, and mood took. “… but, fine.” He sighed quietly, rolling his eyes and huffing when Sae practically gave himself whiplash while whipping his head around to stare at him with wide, disbelieving eyes; had he heard that right? Had Rin just… agreed!? “What? Don’t act so surprised, idiot. Do you really think I would have allowed you to get a single word in if I hadn’t been genuinely willing to hear you out and possibly change my mind?” That was true; Rin never humored anyone like this unless he was actually considering the point being made. “I still fucking hate the idea of talking to that half-baked, off-brand Leonardo Luna clone, but if it gets me to Bluelock faster and helps me preform better, I’ll do it… which means that, now, you really don’t have anything to stress about, so I better not catch you having any more pathetic breakdowns from now on.” Rin being Rin, of course he just had to find a way to transition into a mocking, biting insult as a finisher… but Sae couldn’t even bring himself to pay it any mind as it was entirely eclipsed by the warm, fuzzy sense of hope and relief that bloomed in his heart and seemed to spread throughout his body, even managing to reach the tips of his fingers and toes.

So, let’s get this straight, in the span of less than one hour after having woken up, Sae had been praised, acknowledged, and re-accepted—on some level—and had someone managed to convince his little brother into legitimately considering therapy without having to cohort or manipulate him? Just last night he’d been sick to his stomach with guilt, self-loathing, and anxiety… and, now less than 24 hours later, despite his best efforts to not get too excited, Sae felt warmer, safer, and more hopeful than he ever had; this was the very first time that Rin himself had made an effort to reach out and acknowledge him—it had always been Sae doing the ‘reaching’ and ‘initiating’ in regards to making a genuine effort at repairing their relationship—meaning that he couldn’t help but allow himself to be swept away by the bright, gleaming sparkle of hope that seemed to have once again flickered to life between them.

For the first time, it felt like Rin was genuinely and consciously attempting to meet him in the middle rather than simply getting swept away by impulsive, ever-shifting emotions that only allowed for them to ‘bond’ in a shallow, one-sided sort of way…

And, really, how could Sae not be excited about that?

Chapter Text

Rin had not been anticipating any of this; yeah- he’d decided to ‘lessen up’ on Sae—mostly meaning that he wouldn’t go out of his way to ignore the other anymore seeing as it stressed them both out—but he hadn’t been actively planning for this to happen! How the hell had he not only allowed himself to get all mushy and gentle—well, as close to gentle as what was currently possible for him—when he once again affirmed to Sae that he had indeed grown as a person and wasn’t actually hurting him… but he’d also let himself be convinced into giving therapy a shot!? Or- okay, well… to be fair, Rin had already been considering giving therapy a shot regardless—ultimately it would be more convenient for him to just cast aside his pride and get to Bluelock faster… and, if possible, maybe it would be a little nice if he could finally managed to rid himself of this dreary, unmotivated stupor he’d found himself in as well—but still! Damnit, Sae might start getting a big head if he believed that he had been the one to convince Rin into therapy—which- despite the fact that he’d never admit it aloud or even to himself, Sae’s insistence and desperation had been the final push that had ultimately convinced him to just do it.

It was just… waking up to find Sae snuggling against his arm, his calm, peaceful expression bathed in the warm, gentle rays of sunlight that peaked through the curtain had invoked a sort of nostalgia and comfort that Rin hadn’t felt in a long, long time… and he was absolutely helpless to fight against the childish part of his heart that was still stuck in the past when it demanded that he at least try to be patient and somewhat-gentle with Sae—okay- fine, yes! He did feel sympathetic towards Sae because of last night! So what!? Rin still hated him with a burning passion and wasn’t anywhere near forgiving him… he’d just decided that, seeing as Sae was technically making an effort and had noticeably improved, maybe Rin should occasionally remind him of said growth just so he didn’t have another mental breakdown on the floor… for convenience purposes, of course.

…

Slumping over and leaning heavily against the kitchen counter, Rin sighed, bringing a hand up to rub at his temple tenderly as he contemplated whether or not this fever-dream was actually his life or not… but, when he caught sight of Sae practically materializing beside in out of the corner of his eye, he realized that, yes, this was in fact his reality. “What do you-“ he’d been halfway through asking mildly, but Sae—who seemed to be positively brimming with a newfound energy and ‘brightness’ to him; annoying bastard—was apparently too energetic and on top of his game to even let him finish.

“You need to take your ibuprofen.” He interrupted, not even waiting for a response before shaking a few pills out of the bottle, gesturing towards a water cup he’d apparently prepared in advance, and smiling sheepishly when Rin gave him a flat, mildly-annoyed look—not that he was actually annoyed… it was just that- alongside taking his pills, scowling and feigning annoyance towards the ever meticulously, unforgetting Sae had become something of a habit.

“Tch.” He clicked his tongue, begrudgingly swiping the pills out of Sae’s hand before making a show of taking them and a sip of water. “There? Happy? Annoying bastard, I took my pills by myself these past few days-“ barely; he hadn’t even taken them at the correct intervals and the only reason he’d remembered take them at all had been when the dull, thrumming pain in his ribs had begun to nag at him “-and suddenly you think that just because I’ve stopped ignoring you that you get to start acting like a helicopter-parent again?” He huffed, rolling his eyes and raising an eyebrow when Sae seemed to regard him for a few moments… but, when he spoke next, Rin wished he’d never even asked; not for the reason one might think, either.

“Sorry if I’m being too overbearing…” Sae apologized, averting his eyes and frowning lightly. “It just makes me feel happy when I can do something nice for you- or, something helpful, I guess.” He answered with a shrug and a sheepish smile… one that grew a little wider with realization when he undoubtedly caught sight of the light blush burning the tips of Rin’s ears.

Damnit, despite having resolved himself to be a little bit nicer and gentler towards Sae from now on—assuming he never regressed back into being an intolerable asshole in the foreseeable future—he hadn’t been intending to let his guard down that much… but it was kind of hard when, with a few earnest, well-timed words, Sae could practically yank Rin up and off the ocean floor, drag him upwards until he broke the surface, and forcibly bathe him in that gentle, sparkling sunlight with such little effort… but- whatever, even he had to admit that, in comparison to the dark loneliness of the last few days, he much rather preferred this turn of events. “… whatever.” He huffed embarrassedly, silently cursing how easy and natural it felt to fall back into this relaxed, casual kind of flow with Sae. “If that’s what you need to do to stay sane and not wake me up with your night-crying, then do whatever you want.” He grumbled begrudgingly, flushing an even deeper shade of crimson when he realized that, despite his attempt at feigning indifference and mockery, he couldn’t conceal the earnest, genuine offer in his words… and, being the observant, meticulous person that he was, Sae had not missed it either.

After recovering from what Rin assumed was the initial shock of actually having been treated somewhat-nicely—y’know- behind the onion-skin layers of mocking insults—Sae’s small, reserved smile stretched into something wider, his eyes crinkling and sparkling with a pure, earnest joy that Rin was too stubborn to consciously admit made him feel a little bit better—look- he just really hated seeing Sae crying last night… that was the only reason seeing him smile so brightly made Rin’s heart sing with relief. “So you’ll let me help you more often?” He asked, his innocent, lighthearted smile quirking with something almost playful and teasing; he knew exactly what he was doing.

“What- that’s not what I said!” Rin huffed, scowling and forcibly stamping out any of that warmth from earlier; this arrogant, cocky bastard got a few praises and a little bit of reprieve and he was already acting so bold? The nerve! “You- dumbass, y’know what, never mind. For that, I won’t even let you remind me to take my pills… much less ‘help me more’.” He threatened darkly, huffing with frustration when Sae didn’t seem to take said threat seriously at all… which, to be fair, Rin himself didn’t take it seriously either; he didn’t mean it in the slightest, he was just… playing along? Wait- were the two of them teasing each other right now? What- god fucking damnit… this was arguably even worse than when Rin used to just pull Sae into hugs without warning or explanation!

…

No- no, that wasn’t true; nothing could ever hold a candle to how embarrassing and cringe-worthy the memory of how he’d acted just a few short days ago truly was—Rin just hoped that, with allowing the distance between him and Sae to shrink to an extent that it never had before, he wouldn’t end up doing something so embarrassing as reverting back into the emotional-constipated version of himself that couldn’t even resists the impulse to steal for random hugs.

This whole thing was so… strange; not so much choosing to accept Sae’s presence and acts of love again—before their confrontation a few days ago, Rin had already being succumbing to the siren-like urge to allow Sae to be more affectionate with him regardless—but being so… confident about it? Well- strange wording aside, that’s the best way he could describe the feeling; it was just- rather than feeling like he was balancing on a tightrope of watching some sort of strange tug-of-war game play about between his mind and heart, Rin felt surprisingly content with how things currently were between them—save for the occasional bouts of confusion and contradiction, but those hadn’t been too frequent so far, and the day was already halfway over—and he supposed it had something to do with the fact that, rather than trying to balance out ‘accepting love’ and ‘remaining distant and testy’, Rin’s newfound resolve to be a little gentler with Sae had sort of… freed him from that battle, if that made sense? Well- obviously he was still acting prickly and stubborn, but he wasn’t really forcing it as a means of ‘testing’ and ‘challenging’ Sae anymore so much as it simply being in his nature to be snappy.

“Does that mean you’ll start cutting your own fish from now on?” He hummed, tilting his head to the side in mock-innocence that made Rin wanted to immediately resume ‘testing’ and ‘challenging’ him… but, alas, he did not; though, he didn’t shoot Sae a glare fiery enough to burn their entire kitchen down if left unchecked. “Ah- sorry, sorry, I was just asking.” this bastard wasn't sorry in the slightest! So fucking annoying!

He’d been seconds away from snapping something snarky and biting back when the sound of the doorbell chiming echoed through the house, causing Rin to startle and frown with confusion for a few moments… but, with an exasperated sigh, he remembered that his and Dr.Sato’s next session was indeed this date and time; he’d been so caught up in arguing—bantering, though he’d never admit it—with Sae that’d he’d lost track of time and almost managed to distract himself from the mild-anxiety and annoyance that had been plaguing him at the knowledge that, today, he would have to learn how to swallow his pride and cooperate—yeah- he was still annoyed and anxious; just because he was willing to try didn’t mean he was suddenly ecstatic about it. “Tch.” He clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes and sighing when Sae’s entire posture seemed to stiffen; he was no doubt worried and anxious whether Rin would actually stick true to his word and ‘give therapy a chance’ or not… which, in all honesty was fair—he had a nasty stubborn streak that couldn’t be ignored—but that didn’t mean it didn’t annoy him to see Sae doubting him so easily. “What’s with that face?” He huffed, raising an eyebrow in challenge when Sae seemed to startle, gape, and give him a sheepish, apologetic look as if he understood exactly what he was being silently accused of. “I already told you that you’re not allowed to get anxious anymore now that I’ve gone ahead and solved all of your problems for you.” God- he really was just teasing and bantering with Sae at this point now, wasn’t he? How annoying… and, much to Rin’s chagrin, it seemed that, along with the arrival of this newfound sense of confidence and ‘brightness’, Sae held no reservation about purposefully embracing said annoying tendencies to an even more frustrating extent.

“Well, technically, therapy is a long term thing that you could always just decide to ditch at any given moment… so, technically, you can’t really solve my problem until you’ve completed all of your sessions with Dr.Sato and are better.” Sae countered easily and, if the almost-imperceptible smug edge to his expression was anything to go off of, his sole purpose for countering Rin’s argument was to annoy him.

Slightly caught off guard by Sae’s casual, playfully teasing response to his mocking, Rin simply gaped at him dumbly for a few moments, opening and closing his mouth in a way similar to that of a beached fish before snapping it shut, glaring, and stomping off—literally; he literally stomped—towards the front… desperately hoping that Sae hadn’t caught sight of the humiliating, unwanted light-pink blush that was undoubtedly painting his skin.

Seriously, it wasn’t fair; it wasn't fair that, as if he were literally the embodiment of warmth itself, Sae’s wide, earnest grin almost never failed to bathe him in a soft, fuzzy sunlight.

The annoying bastard was just way too damn bright.

Chapter Text

Sae tapped his foot nervously, straining his ears in an attempt to listen for Dr.Sato and Rin’s conversation but, seeing as the two of them were in the bedroom while he was stuck in the living room, it was a hopeless endeavor… though, he did take some comfort in realizing that, unlike last time, nearly a full 55 minutes had passed since the two of them went up there—only five minutes short of a full session—meaning that, at the very least, Rin most likely hadn’t blown up, cursed, or refused to cooperate- which, if his assumptions were true, that thank fucking universe that things were finally starting to look up—in terms of his little brother’s mental health and their relationship alike. “Hm.” He hummed out aimlessly, letting his head fall backwards into the couch as he slowed his eyes to slip shut and his mind to wander… but, as it turned out, Dr.Sato and Rin had already finished.

“Sae.” Rin’s indecipherable, flat voice called out to him, startling Sae out of his almost-relaxed daze and prompting to him practically leap out of his seat and beeline straight for the two figures waiting for him near the stairs—huh- was this the designated post-session area now? Unlike before, Rin wasn’t left alone in his room and therefor didn’t need to be monitored, meaning that there was no real reason for them to gather near the stairs… but, whatever; Sae had much more pressing, urgent questions that he wanted answered, such as if Rin truly had meant it when he’d said that he would start taking therapy seriously. “Look a little more eager and anxious, why don’t you?” He huffed, rolling his eyes and leaning against the banister in a confident, unbothered way that Sae’s hopeful, reaching mind decided to take as a sign that he hadn’t gone back on his word.

Whipping his head towards Dr.Sato, Sae didn’t even need to ask before the man seemed to understand his sentiments—how could he not? He’d had front-row tickets to watch Sae’s desperate, humiliating panic-attack the last time they’d discussed Rin’s progress and situation. “Ah- I’ll have to report today’s progress to Sae…” the man explained, smiling gently before turning to give Rin a pointed, yet patient look. “Would you feel more comfortable if we were to speak in private? I wouldn't want to speak about such things directly in front of you if it would cause discomfort-“

“It’s fine, I’m not uncomfortable.” Rin cut him off before he could even finish and, facing towards Sae to shoot him a confident, almost-challenging glare that he could quite decipher the root or purpose of. “You can talk while I’m here.” He assured without falter, making a show of shrugging nonchalantly, consequently piquing Sae’s curiosity even further; what was with this sudden display of confidence? It was much too exaggerated and pointed to simply be unintentional.

“Ah- okay.” Dr.Sato nodded without question, but he did seem to be slightly taken aback and caught off guard by Rin’s decision. “Well, I’m happy to report that, in my opinion, this session was quite the success. Rin cooperated with all of my questions, answered them thoroughly, and just appears to be a little more lively in general… and, it seems that his entire mindset and approach to therapy in general has improved drastically since the last time I saw him.” He explained, his soft, polite smile stretching into something a little more raw and earnest when Sae let out a long, drawn-out sigh of relief as every single tight, knotted muscle in his body seemed to simultaneously relax.

Not even trying to hide the wide, giddy grin that split his face in two, Sae turned back towards Rin, his eyes widening a little with realization when the other had a smug, satisfied expression that spoke something along the lines of ‘see? I told you so’… which- hold on, was Rin proud of himself? Had he viewed Sae’s quiet, yet blatant doubt as something to compete against? Was he… gloating right now? Because, if he was, this moment might take the number one spot on the list of: ‘most adorable things my little brother has ever done’—or, maybe that was simply the relief, joy, and excitement causing him to reach for straws and draw conclusions based off of assumptions. “I’m- that’s good.” Sae breathed out with a light chuckle; albeit having been anticipating and wishing for this moment to come to pass for a while now, he was surprised to find himself at a loss for words… but, he also didn’t feel that the situation exactly called for words; he was proud, Rin was proud—maybe a little bit smug, too—and, with a quick scan of the man’s sky-blue eyes, it was obvious that Dr.Sato was too—not too surprising considering he was literally Rin’s therapist, but Sae was a little taken aback to see someone who, in all reality was only distantly acquainted to them, so visibly proud and ecstatic for his little brother’s progress; good, Rin needed more people in his life who would feel pride and joy in his behalf and growth.

With a few more words exchanged—most simply pleasantries and polite small talk—Dr.Sato bid them both farewell, walked out the door, closed it behind him, and casting the two of them into a comfortable, yet oddly-charged silence… one that Sae very quickly understood when Rin practically sauntered down the last few remaining steps and paused directly before him, tilting his chin upwards and looking down at him with a definitely smug, gloating look of victory. “See? I’m not going to ‘ditch’ therapy and go back on my word like you’re oh-so-stressed about.” He huffed confidently and, all at once, Sae understood where Rin’s behavior was being sourced from; as he’d assumed earlier, it seemed that his little brother had taken his initial doubt as something of a challenge and, upon having ‘won’, was extremely proud of himself and apparently wanted to lord his victory over Sae… which- yeah, this was 100% taking the number one spot on his ‘cute things my little brother does’ list.

Despite being extremely amused by this unexpected, surprisingly-adorable development, Sae suppressed the laughter that wanted to escape from his throat; if Rin taking this self-perceived ‘competition’ thing seriously was what it took to keep him motivated and on track, then the last thing Sae wanted to do was accidently mock or possibly discourage him. “I’m glad to hear that, Rin.” He responded evenly, his grin melting into something more endearing and fond when Rin’s confident, haughty bravado faltered for a split second under the weight of his sincere, most-likely unexpected response to the challenge, revealing the embarrassed, easily flustered little brat beneath it. “I’m happy that you’re taking this so seriously.” He hummed thoughtfully, his heart squeezing with a warmth and affection so intense that Sae could no longer suppress or fight against to urge to lean close the distance between them and wrap his little brother up into a tight, loving embrace; it was his fault for having come so close in the first place, any ways.

It was a hug driven purely by emotion… one that Sae had been certain would end in a disaster something along the lines of being shoved away, glared at, and perhaps even cursed at if he’d fumbled at reading the mood and atmosphere… But, when Rin’s body went rigid in a way that he assumed was preparation to push him away, he did something unexpected; he hugged Sae back. “Whatever.” Rin huffed shortly, but his rough, dismissive tone spoke the opposite of the surprisingly-gentle, warm embrace that he’d returned.

After getting over his initial shock—seriously, who knew that Rin’s recent reacceptance of him meant affection to this extent? It was even better than he’d ever dared to hope for—Sae held zero reserves about completely burying his face against Rin’s shoulder and snuggling against him; he was way too happy about everything that had happened today to show any self-restraint. “So… how was it?” Sae asked gently, silently mourning the loss of contact when Rin eventually pulled away—but, he hadn’t outright shoved Sae off to break the embrace, so it was a huge win! “The therapy, I mean.” He clarified when Rin paused to give him a raised eyebrow.

“Dr.Sato just told you about it… or were you not listening? You had a dumb looking grin on your face the entire time, so I wouldn’t even be surprised to hear that you’d been spacing out.” Rin mocked but, as Sae had observed throughout the day so far, it felt as if his little brother’s insults were less purposeful and spiteful, but rather… mild and teasing—as if he felt relaxed enough to express himself in a more natural, less-performative way—so, naturally, Sae couldn’t help but find it adorable and endearing rather than insulting or exhausting.

“I was listening.” Sae countered with a quiet click of the tongue—again, not one of frustration but rather amusement. “But I want to hear it from you. I don’t care if Dr.Sato felt that it was a good session… I want to know if you felt that it was good and productive.” He explained, trying his best to emphasize the importance of Rin himself gaining something from the ordeal rather than simply ‘enduring’ and ‘accepting’ it.

Hesitating for a moment and clearly caught off guard by Sae’s question, Rin paused, his expression pinching for a second before eventually smoothing out; good, it seemed like he was actually taking the time to contemplate his answer rather than spewing some bullshit he’d made up to appease Sae. “… it was fine, I guess- I don’t know?” He answered with a short huff and a shrug, looking as genuinely confused and stumped as he sounded. “He just asked me more questions about myself… it didn’t feel productive or important, but I answered them honestly the best I could.” He explained, his voice even with honesty and sincerity; he was speaking the truth right now.

Humming thoughtfully, he nodded, fully understanding Rin’s sentiments with striking accuracy; after his first few years in Spain, Sae had signed up for therapy—or- well… more like he was forced into therapy, something that allowed him to understand Rin’s predicament even more—feeling frustrated, depressed, and defeated with how things had turned out in terms of his dream and ego… and, alike Rin, he too had initially deemed it as a waste of time, believing that the trivial, seemingly-unimportant questions asked during each session couldn’t possibly offer him anything besides a place to waste time… but, by the end of it, Sae had been mildly surprised to find that, in contrary to what he initially believed, attending therapy had actually done well to help him work through some of his issues—not all of them, though; the cold, detached, and cruel way he used to view and treat his little brother before any of this happened was more than enough of a testimony that the more deep-rooted, intricate problems Sae harbored couldn’t be fixed from therapy alone… but, it had helped some nonetheless and he was fully confident that the same would stand true in regards to Rin’s situation as well. “That's fine… even if you don’t understand why you’re doing it or how it might end up helping you, all you need to do is answer honestly.” He explained, thoughtfully recalling his own experiences in hopes that his earnest assurance might do well to encourage Rin and dispel any doubts he still might have.

After regarding him mildly for a few moments with a completely indecipherable expression, Rin eventually shrugged, a flicker of an emotion Sae couldn’t quite analyze lighting up his otherwise flat, turquoise eyes before disappearing in an instant. “You don’t need to explain it to me like I’m some child, dumbass.” He huffed with an annoyance and impatience that Sae was smug to realize was absolutely hollow; once again, it seemed that Rin was simply bantering with him rather than taking genuine offense of agitation… and, after seeing the display of tolerance that bordered on playful teasing for the nth time since the day had started, Sae was struck with the notion that, for the first time since Rin had woken up in that hospital bed, the way they'd begun to interact and behave around each other bordered extremely close to what one might label as brotherly, and- yes, it was true that the two of them had shared a few moments before today but, as he’d lamented on earlier, said moments seemed to stem from Rin’s emotional fragility and mood-swings rather than him making the conscious, uninhibited choice to actually re-accept him in such a way… meaning that, for the first time in a while, Sae allowed himself to ponder over and contemplate the much larger, all-encompassing obstacle that still stood between them and true reconciliation; confrontation and forgiveness…

But, rather than immediately allow his anxiety and self-doubt to get the better of him, Sae found himself seized by a sort of hope that went beyond wishful thinking or simply reaching for straws…

For the first time, Sae was convinced that he could eventually make things truly right between them.

Chapter Text

Surprisingly, when Rin managed to stamp down his pride and take Dr.Sato’s questions at face-value rather than as a personal attack, he found that speaking to the man about such trivial, surface levels questions wasn’t too difficult or annoying—emphasis of the ‘too’ part; it was still fairly frustrating and uncomfortable but Rin chalked that up to the fact that he simply didn’t know how to socialize and interact with others in general rather than it being the sole product of the therapy aspect of their interaction—and, yes, he knew that, eventually—possibly even as soon as their next session—Dr.Sato would begin to ask more invasive, thought-provoking questions that would most likely trigger him if he didn’t manage to keep a level head… but, aside from that, what he deemed to be his first real session—he didn’t count the real ‘first one’ on account of how short it had been—had gone okay; he still didn’t see how something that seemed so pointless and unproductive could actually aid him in any way, but whatever… The worst-case scenario was that, after therapy, he remained the exact same- which, yeah, would kind of suck considering Rin was actually mildly hoping for an improvement to his mood and motivation but, if it didn’t, he’d be fine regardless… and, at the very least, he’d be able to smugly gloat about his success to Sae—and, if anyone were to ask, he would explain that he simply wanted to do it because it meant that he could inadvertently relieve Sae of anxiety and fear, consequently making his own life more convenient and less stressful… but, the truth that Rin would never admit aloud to anyone was that he simply wanted to see Sae feel better… and, if the unbothered, seemingly-permanent grin the other seemed to wear since receiving the good news was anything to go off of, Rin had done a fairly good job.

“Hey, Rin.” Sae called out to him, his light, unbothered smile having gotten impossibly-brighter. “I’ve been meaning to ask something… you’ve been needing a new phone for a while, right? Do you wanna go shopping so we can get you one?” He asked, apparently so giddy and eager to present to new that he couldn’t even wait for Rin’s acknowledgment to the first initiation.

Although not too surprised by the offer seeing as Rin had indeed been lacking a function phone for a while now, he paused, a little startled by the consideration and thoughtfulness of Sae’s unprompted gesture—look- he knew by now that the other loved him and was trying to make amends, but it still caught him off guard occasionally. “… a new phone?” He repeated, averting his eyes and desperately hoping that his feigned-uninterest and lack of eye-contact did well to mask the heat prickling at his face… but, without even needing to glance back towards Sae for confirmation, he knew the other had seen it. “I- that would be nice, I guess.” He mumbled begrudgingly, hoping to not let the fact that he was actually fairly excited by the prospect slip.

Somehow, Rin had almost managed to forget that, before it had gotten broken, he’d owned and functioned alongside a phone—emphasis ‘almost’ seeing as that, whenever he was randomly or spontaneously reminded of his and Isagi’s newfound friendship, he’d silently wished that he had a means of texting and reaching out to the other; he’d been too stubborn and prideful to ask Sae to take him to the mall—but, with his heart and mind feeling considerably lighter and less frazzled than it had during the past month, he found that- yes, he very much did want to buy a new phone.

“Do you wanna go right now, then?” Sae hummed, chuckling quietly and somehow finding a way to grin even broader—if that was even possible at this point; seriously, he was just asking for smile lines—when Rin mumbled something incoherent before nodding begrudgingly. “Ah- that’s great, because I already called us an Uber ten minutes ago and would’ve had to cancel if you said no.” What a sly, overconfident idiot—really, Rin shouldn’t have paid Sae those few compliments seeing as it had obviously boosted his arrogance and ego.

“Bastard…” Rin hissed darkly, shooting Sae a annoyed, scalding glare than most likely held no bite on account of the brief, fleeting agitation quickly being eclipsed by the child-like excitement of finally being able to reach out to Isagi again—despite how lethargic and just overall-uncaring Rin had felt this entire time, he was surprised to find that the attachment and affection he’d developed with Isagi in such a short time had prevailed to the extent that it had.

After quickly dressing himself, he gave a rushed, yet earnest attempt at tidying his messy, ruffled hair—he was surprised to find that, starting as of today, he apparently had the energy to give a singular fuck about his appearance again—before heading downstairs, rolling his eyes to find Sae already finished and waiting for him at the door. “Did you comb your hair?” He asked with a raised eyebrow, having the audacity to sound incredulous and surprised—god, Rin goes to the grocery store one time without tidying himself up and he’s suddenly labeled as a messy, undignified slob for life?

“Why don’t you try to sound a little more shocked?” Rin snapped back immediately, a little startled by how much the small, realistically-innocent comment had offended him… but, when Sae held his hands up in surrender and offered him a genuinely apologetic—if a little sheepish—smile, he felt said indignation and annoyance quickly melt away. “Yeah- I did… I’m not some kind of bum.” He huffed, his cheeks burning red with embarrassment when, upon further contemplation, he realized that, as of the past week and a half, he kind of had been displaying behaviors tied to those of a lazy bum—damnit, he should remember to do yoga later tonight before bed.

Rather than call him out on his hypocritical bullshit, Sae simply shrugged, smiling brightly before reaching out to pat at Rin’s head, presumably attempting to smooth out that one part of his hair that he hadn’t been bothered to attempt at fixing—stupid, overconfident bastard; look at him acting all cocky like he could just reach out at pat Rin’s head whenever he felt like it! Those compliments were definitely a mistake! “I never said you were… I was just surprised, is all. It’s nice to see you looking so lively and eager again.” He explained with a quiet, raw kind of sincerity that quickly transformed into something lighter and amused as he undoubtedly caught sight of the way Rin’s face once again burned with heat; was it that obvious that he was eager? Sae seemed to have picked up on it instantly, goddamnit!

Clicking his tongue and not responding out of fear of humiliating himself even further, Rin pushed past Sae to yank open the door and march towards the Uber that had thankfully already arrived. “Just hurry up, you annoying bastard.”

                     ~^~^~^~^~^~

Rin had to admit that, although he’d already accompanied Sae to the grocery store, the mall he’d found himself in was an overwhelming, flustering experience due to just how busy it was with people… at least, initially, that was; almost immediately, Sae had picked up on his panic and offered him the warm, sheltering extra hoodie that he’d brought along—he’d insisted on bringing it ‘just in case Rin ended up wanted one’ and, as it turned out, that had been a good call. “Thanks…” Rin grumbled quietly, rushing to pull the hoodie over his head and arms, his anxiety quelling as the sensation of being exposed and vulnerable slowly faded away, quickly replaced by the frustratingly warm, soothing rays of sunlight that shone down upon him and the surprisingly-calm, not choppy waters surrounding him?—that was odd; the ocean was far from glassy stillness but it was by far the calmest and most peaceful he’d ever felt before.

He was slightly embarrassed to essentially be trailing after Sae like the small, helpless child he’d been when he was young, but he was also fairly content to simply be led around without having to exert much effort, so he ignored it, managing to find some semblance of enjoyment to have been out of the house by the time they’d reached their destination. “Rin- hey, come look at this one!” Sae called out to him enthusiastically, gesturing towards a phone that had caught his interest before Rin had even had the chance to process the fact that they’d already reached the store. “What do you think?” He hummed, gingerly picking the device up and off its stand before gently handing it over to Rin. “It’s the latest one… so, technically, it should be even better than the one you lost.” He reasoned and, because Rin didn’t care much about what type of model of phone he had as long as it functioned to call, text, google, and download apps, he quickly found himself agreeing.

Silently grateful that Sae had taken initiative to engage the register-person in conversation and consequently sparing him the awkward, unwanted ‘pleasantry’, Rin busied himself with pulling out his wallet and debit card, frowning a little bit when the memory of the phones price lingered in his mind… but, upon remembering that his debit card was hooked up to the money his parents legally had to send him unless that wanted to be charged with child-neglect and abandonment, he didn’t feel bad in the slightest. “Here-“ he began, startling a little when Sae grabbed him by the wrist before he could hand his card over.

“I can pay for it.” Sae interrupted, in the midst of rifling through his wallet in search of his own debit-card, but Rin quickly mirrored his gesture from earlier to stop him. “Huh? Oh- look, Rin… it’s fine. I can pay for it, im well off enough, plus I’d feel bad since…” he trailed off, the both of them understanding the implications of his words without him even needing to finish his sentnace… but, choosing to gloss over the grim, exhausting reminder that he and Sae still harbored a ridiculous amount of unconfronted, exasperating baggage between them in favor of not wanting to kill the good mood and ruin the day, Rin shook his head.

Despite being oddly touched that Sae had been so willing and even eager to pay for his purchase, Rin was too prideful to accept help and aid to such an extent—even if he’d already done much more needy, humiliating things—plus, the idea of screwing over his parents with a random, not-at-all negotiated or discussed large purchase made him extremely amused; he’d been fairly obedient and reasonable thus far with their money considering he was an unsupervised teenager living alone and without any guidance but, even if they did get upset with him for something like this, it’s not like they had any grounds to stand on nor could they cut him off financially. “It’s the money mom and dad are forced to give me.” He stated without further clarification, suppressing the small, startling smirk that almost escaped him when Sae seemed to catch on almost immediately. “Here.” Rin repeated, offering his card to the slightly-confused, but mostly bored-looking cashier without any interruption this time.

“Alright, enjoy your purchase.” She hummed politely, offering out the packaged-box to Rin, raising an eyebrow but otherwise not seeming to care when he eagerly snatched the phone away from her with a little too much eagerness and impatience that what was most-likely appropriate… but, aside from the way the tips of his ears burned when Sae shot him a smirk, Rin hardly paid the interaction any mind, his focus consumed solely by the excitement and giddiness of physically holding the device that would re-connect him to his Blue-lock rival-turned-friend with just a few easy button clicks—don’t ever tell Isagi that Rin was this desperate and eager to talk with him! He would deny it with every ounce of his being and most likely lash out in the process!

Barely even paying any attention to his surroundings as he walked and occasionally relying on Sae to physically guide his trajectory away from crashing into a wall or bystander, Rin set up everything required in his phone in record-time, unable to suppress the small, but very-real smile that tugged on his lips when his thumb hovered over the text-message app… but, moments before finally gathering up enough courage to tap it, Sae interrupted him, placing a feather-light, tentative hand on his shoulder. “Hey- uhm… I know you're excited to start texting Isagi and probably want to get home as soon as possible, but maybe- I was wondering if you wanted to maybe grab a bite to eat or walk around a little bit more?” Sae hummed, averting his eyes and shrugging his shoulders in a way that made Rin’s eyebrows knit in mild confusion; the offer wasn’t weird, but the way Sae seemed to have visibly deflated from bright and cheery to mopey and possibly even a little annoyed was—the hell? Why couldn’t this bastard just pick a mood and stick with it?

Hesitating for a few seconds as he contemplated the answer, Rin eventually decided that, despite how eager he was to finally be able to message and chat with Isagi, he was a little bit hungry… so, it couldn’t hurt, right? He no longer felt flustered by the crowds of people and maybe it would do him some good to remain outside of the house for a while—plus, he felt a little bad about denying Sae’s obviously reaching, hopeful request considering it was his idea to purchase one to begin with; Rin most likely would’ve never gotten a new phone if the other hadn’t been thoughtful and proactive. “… I- sure.” Rin agreed evenly, shrugging and slipping his new phone into the pocket of his hoodie—Isagi was most likely in the midst of evening training right now anyways; Bluelockers usually didn’t find much free-time until fairly late at night. “Tch- why do you always look so surprised whenever I agree to stuff? Were you secretly hoping for me to say no or something?” It was a rhetorical question created purely with the intention to tease and mock; Sae’s startled, caught-off guard expression made it way too easy.

“No!” Sae gasped loudly, clearly not catching the sarcastic, almost-playful lithe in Rin’s voice… but, if the way his pale skin tinted a light-pink only a few shades lighter than his hair was any indicator, he’d realized his misinterpretation soon after. “I’m just surprised you said yes.” He eventually sighed with a shrug, but Rin did not miss the way his eyes seemed to sparkle and glisten in the light before Sae quickly moved to inconspicuously turn away and blink furiously.

“… Tch- apparently you’re surprised by a lot of things.” Rin huffed quietly with a roll of the eyes after he was out of earshot, trying and failing to ignore the way his heart squeezed with sympathy and nostalgia as he trailed after Sae who had silently begun to walk towards the direction of the food-court… but, when he managed to catch up and fall into pace directly beside the other, he couldn’t help but let a few more words slip: “You should spare me the stupid, surprised-looking face and learn to get used to stuff like this, you know.”

He really should, because Rin was surprised to find that he felt like he could get used to this as well; to sparkling, turquoise waters, calm, almost-glassy seas…

To Sae.

Chapter Text

Sae had been fully aware that, in purchasing him a new phone, Rin would immediately set about reconnecting and bonding with Isagi… in fact, he’d been counting on it; his little brother seemed to be entering a very delicate, easily-influenceable state-of-mind… one that, depending on external factors encountered, could either be what finally helped pull him out of his stupor, or plunged him back down into the void-like, icy abyss that was depression… so- yes, Sae had made the offer with the knowledge and hope that Rin would immediately set about contacting his new friend… however, despite summoning every ounce of his willpower to suppress and fight against the trivial, irrational emotion, Sae had not succeeded in banishing the twisted, hypocritical jealousy that had seized his heart when he saw Rin smile down at his phone—he hadn’t even opened his text-app yet! Apparently, even just the thought and anticipation of texting Isagi had managed to make his little brother smile in a way that Sae still hadn’t achieved!—which, as shameful as he was to admit it, had been what had prompted him to desperately make the spontaneous, poorly-calculated answer to hang out—he couldn’t help it, alright!? His sensitive, flimsy heart yearned for even just a fraction of assurance and affection from Rin… and, against all odds, Sae had actually received them?

Not only had Rin agreed to spend more time with him, but he’d also gone out of his way to assure and quell Sae’s doubts in a way that had to have been intentional. “You should spare me the stupid, surprised-looking face and learn to get used to stuff like this, you know.” Get used to it? Okay- maybe he was simply overanalyzing because he was currently feeling extremely possessive and jealous—yes, it was weird and kind of creepy to phrase it like that, but it was the truth; Sae was feeling extremely territorial about Rin’s affections now that he’d finally gotten a little bit of it to himself… and then to see that damn Isagi Yoichi once again stealing the spotlight without even being physically present!? No- he would not stand for this without reasserting himself!—but there was no way in hell that Rin had chosen those words by accident; if Sae was correct in his assumptions, it almost sounded like he should get used to them spending time together like this… which- yes! Fucking yes! If bantering and holding—fairly—casual conversations with Rin was the first step towards rebuilding upon the just recently established foundation of their relationship, then ‘hanging out’ like this had to have counted for the second- or, maybe even the third or fourth!? Hypothetical numbers aside, Sae was ecstatic about this development—seriously, if he truly was just reaching for straws and was indeed exaggerating the meaning of Rin’s words, he would be thoroughly crushed. “So what do you feel like eating? Or, do you want to walk around and check out a few stores first?” He hummed out thoughtfully, a little taken aback when Rin’s sharp, clearly-analyzing gaze zeroed in on him—god knows what he could be searching for—but, as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone, prompting Sae to simply ignore and brush past it.

“I don’t know… what do you feel like eating?” Rin asked with a nonchalance and casualness that was the polar-opposite of the giddy, electrifying excitement that jolted through Sae at the simple, trivial question—Rin was asking for his preference and opinion while sounding genuinely curious and thoughtful rather than mocking or rhetorical!? This- oh yes, Isagi Yoichi didn’t have shit on him right now! If only he were here to see how much Sae was currently crushing him!

He floundered for a few seconds after realizing that, in his silent, triumphant excitement, he’d forgotten to actually answer. “Anything you want is fine.” He answered instinctively, summoning every ounce of willpower and any possible acting-skills that resided in the depths of his mind to feign a cool, casual demeanor and not let his excitement slip through; Rin would most likely label him as a freak for life if Sae were to get outwardly-giddy over something so stupid and trivial.

“Tch- that’s not an answer.” Rin huffed, giving him a pointed, purposeful glare that, alike earlier, seemed to be… reaching for something, but he still had no idea what. “I asked what you want, not what I want.” The emphasis he placed on the indicators confused Sae a little bit… but, feeling slightly out of depth with the way Rin continued to glare expectantly at him, he felt compelled enough to answer honestly this time.

“Uh- I don’t know? Maybe… something with chicken, I guess?” Look- he was caught off guard and also happened to be particularly fond of chicken in general, so don’t make fun of him. “I didn’t exactly have a plan… but, if you don’t want something with chicken then it’s-“

“Why don’t you get something with chicken regardless of what I pick? It’s not like you have to listen to everything I say or want.” Rin interrupted him with an exasperated, once again pointed glance that continued to stump Sae into something like blank dumbfoundedness.

“… I- okay?” He nodded awkwardly, barely understanding the purpose, context, or point of Rin’s random, seemingly-unrelated emphasis. “I’ll get something with chicken.” He agreed, his nervous, fluttery heart relaxing ever so slightly when something like satisfaction and relief flickered through Rin’s expression—seriously, what had he been trying to get at? Sae was at a complete and utter loss.

“Good.” Rin hummed flatly, giving him one last—again—pointed look before glancing around, turning on his heel, and stalking off in the direction of whatever food had caught his attention… leaving Sae standing in the same spot blankly while trying and failing to contemplate all of that before eventually sighing in defeat, shaking his head, and setting off towards the Popeyes that had caught his attention—though, he had kept an eye practically glued to the figure of his little brother waiting in a different queue opposite the food-court; seemingly better or not, Sae refused to let Rin out of his sight for a singular second… even if it meant that he’d most likely come off as extremely rude and dismissive when he barely faced the register-person to order his food; he had felt a little bad about that.

Sae’s lips quirked up into a small, earnest smile when he watched Rin from afar, his heart melting with warmth when, like the last time they’d spent time out of the house, he realized how relaxed and healthy Rin looked; he looked leagues better than he had just a few days ago. “Heh… cute.” He mumbled to himself quietly, startling a little when he realized that his order-number had already been called a few times. “Sorry.” He apologized with an awkward, sheepish smile to the cashier who looked more than done with Sae’s perceived rudeness—he wasn't trying to be!

Still without taking his eyes off of Rin once, Sae found himself an unoccupied table large enough for the both of them, holding his hand up and waving over to catch his little brother’s attention once he’d also received his food. “What did you order?” Sae hummed out curiously, happily munching on his chicken sandwich after unwrapping it.

“Pizza.” Rin answered shortly, hunching over a little before stuffing his face in a way that Sae had both come to expect and find endearing. “… you got chicken.” He pointed out after a few moments of silence passed between them, looking oddly satisfied with the notion?

“Oh- uh… yeah?” Sae nodded awkwardly, still not understanding what had prompted his little brother’s strange, inexplicable focus on his meal preferences. “It’s pretty good, I guess.” Despite being glad that Rin had agreed to spending more time with him—if inadvertently—Sae found himself at a loss for words… but, Rin didn’t seem too bothered; he was focusing solely on his meal and seem to be enjoying to the point that he didn’t care about the slightly awkward, long silence that settled between them as they ate. “How’s your food?” He asked eventually, desperate to distract himself from the annoying, buzzing chatter of the mall around them—Sae had quite the hard time in crowded spaces like this; his mind struggled to simply ‘tune things out’… something Rin had always been better at when he had something to focus on.

“It’s fine.” Rin answered immediately, his voice and expression leaning neither towards annoyed or enthusiastic to be conversations with Sae; he was the epitome of ‘evenness’. “… but the tomato-sauce is too salty. I like it better when it’s sweeter.” He added after a few moments and, eager to take the branch that he assumed Rin was trying to offer him, Sae quickly jumped on the opportunity to converse more.

“Youre still not big on salty things, huh?” Sae hummed, recalling how younger Rin, despite never having been opposed to particularly salty things—at least, not to the extent he hated gummy-candies—was never really fond of them either… and, something about the notion that, although Sae hadn’t sat down an had a genuine, casual conversation with Rin like this in who knows how long, it seemed that certain aspects of his little brother were still familiar.

“Not really… it makes me too thirsty and I don’t like it.” He huffed in response, his eyebrows knitting and his nose crinkling as if just the thought of too-salty foods were offensive and distressing—cute! “… what about you? You used to like salty stuff, has that changed at all?” Rin asked and, despite it having sounded slightly hesitant and forced, Sae was excited to realize that he was actively making an effort to engage in the conversation.

“Eh- I don’t know… I usually keep my diet pretty strict and avoid high-salt foods, but I still enjoy them I guess.” Sae answered with a shrug, musing as he racked his brain for the last time he’d allowed himself to eat so carelessly the way he had this past month; it hadn’t been particularly awful or alarming—being a profession football-player, Sae still had standards and discipline higher than most average people even while in a stupor—but it was bad enough his dietician would probably have a fit if she saw it. “I think this is the first time I’ve had Popeyes in over a year.” It was delicious… but, despite not even being entirely finished yet, Sae could practically feel the greasiness spreading throughout his body; yeah- stuff like this was definitely better eaten in extreme moderation… but it was a nice little treat after so long without having it.

“Mm…” Rin hummed mildly, raising an eyebrow when Sae had reached forward to offer to take his trash the moment he’d finished his own food. “Thanks.” He thanked quietly and—if Sae wasn’t just looking way too far into things—it sounded a little less hesitant and begrudging than what had become the expected average.

Almost as soon as he’d turned his back towards Rin—only for a short few seconds, though; he still refused to let the other out of his sight for any prolonged amount of time—Sae allowed a bright, giddy grin to stretch across his lips, uncaring that he probably looked like a lunatic to anyone watching.

An entire casual, light-hearted conversation without any glares or nasty looks being thrown? Isagi better watch out… because Sae had full intention to win.

Chapter Text

When was the last time Rin had ever felt this way; light, unburdened, comfortable, and—most importantly—at almost-peace? Was it the effects of his singular therapy session already kicking in, the knowledge that he would soon be in contact with Isagi again, or simply the fact that he felt more comfortable and at peace with Sae than he had in years? He wasn’t sure and, honestly, he didn’t care to figure it out right now, either; he would much rather enjoy the lively, surprisingly-pleasant buzz of distant conversation and chatter that filled his ears as he quietly browsed through a few different articles of clothing that had initially stood out to him—oddly enough, the fellow mall-goers and the weight of their presence no longer fueled any anxiety within him; he wasn’t sure what had been the trigger that flipped the switch, but he no longer found them off-putting in the slightest. “Hey- Rin, check this out. Do you still like this color? It kind of looks like the hoodie you had when you were young?” Sae called out to him, grinning broadly and waving a dark-green hoodie around for him to see from across the store—seriously, could he get any more embarrassing? It’s not like Rin wanted him to regress back into the frosty, cruel version of himself from before, but what happened to the Sae who knew how to keep a moderately-low volume?

“Tch- stop waving it around like a lunatic!” Rin scolded as soon as they were in appropriate earshot of each other, rolling his eyes and shaking his head with expression when Sae gave him a sheepish, apologetic smile that made it seem like he wasn’t actually apologetic in the slightest. “And, yes, I do still like this color. You didn’t have to shout from the other side of the store to ask me that, y’know.” He huffed with hollow annoyance, taking the hoodie from Sae’s grasp to inspect and—after realizing how surprisingly stylish it was—admire it with mild-intrigue. “This sort of does look like that one I used to have.” He mused quietly, fondly recalling back to the similar-looking hoodie he’d had when he was young; Unfortunately, it had eventually gotten so old, tattered, and stained that it eventually became obsolete, but it was well-loved during its years of commission.

“Why not buy it then?” Sae offered easily, shrugging and nodding in encouragement when Rin gave him a look. “You like it, don’t you?” He coaxed and, with a few more words of assurance, Rin eventually decided that he would—he wasn’t sure why he felt so hesitant to do something as trivial as purchase a hoodie when, realistically, there was literally zero reason to withhold something that he enjoyed from himself… but, whatever; said impulsive had not won so there was no reason to contemplate it any longer.

“I guess.” Rin hummed in agreement, not having expected to actually purchase anything, but quite satisfied that he had; he’d forgotten how entertaining and somewhat… relieving it was to purchase and want things for the sole purpose of enjoying them. “It does look just like that one I used to have.” He mused fondly, taking it out of the bag to admire it after having finished his purchase. “Here- take this one back.” He hummed, somehow managing to awkwardly shed himself of the spare-hoodie Sae had given him before handing it back and sliding into the new one; it felt perfect… and that was saying a lot considering Rin had a few oddly-specific preferences about the way his clothing—particularly hoodies—fit him. “Mm.” He hummed contently, thoroughly satisfied with his purchase for a number of different reasons.

To his surprise, Rin found himself engaging in trivial, yet mildly-entertaining small-talk with Sae; the two of them spoke about random, unimportant things that held no weight but it was fairly enjoyable and did well to kill the time between stores. “Hm…” Rin hummed, tilting his head and eyeballing a small seagull keychain—on a whim, they’d veered off track and into a knick-knack store at the last second—before hesitantly turning towards Sae. “… don’t you like seagulls?” He called out quietly, hating the way his cheeks burned with heat and embarrassment—tolerating Sae and not ignoring him was one thing, but actively going out of his way to be nice and thoughtful of him was another level that Rin wasn’t quite used to.

“Hm- yeah, why?” Sae called back in response, unfortunately not taking his eyes off of the shelf he was inspecting, meaning that Rin would have to be more direct in his attempted display of thoughtfulness. “Why do you- oh.” He startled, raising an eyebrow and frowning in confusion when Rin roughly shoved the seagull keychain into his hand but, after inspecting it for a few moments, a bright, unbearably-soft grin stretched across his lips. “A seagull keychain?” He mused quietly, shooting a knowing, teasing smirk in Rin’s direction before nodding and humming in satisfaction. “I guess this would be kind of fun to put on my keys… thanks, Rin.” He thanked earnestly, his grin only broadening when, rather than answer, Rin averted his eyes, turned away, and mumbled something incoherent as a response.

After a few more stops around the mall and a few more random, surprisingly-entertaining purchases by mostly Rin, they eventually decided to call it a day; the bright, blue sky had begun to ombré into a blush-pink, quickly followed by a deep, blazing orange by the time they’d finally arrived home. “Thank you.” Sae thanked their Uber-driver with a bright, happy smile that would’ve given anyone who’d known him before the transformation a seizure—Rin being the only exception; barely.

Despite having enjoyed himself, Rin felt moderately drained from their outing… but, when comparing his energy-levels to a few days ago and also taking the fact that he’d had a therapy session today into account, he was surprisingly not exhausted and lethargic to the extent that what had become normal? “Whatever.” Rin mumbled to himself, shaking his head before emptying the contents of his purchases from the bag onto the counter; he’d bought his hoodie—which he was still wearing—his new phone, a small, adorable owl squishmallow that brought him inexplicable amounts of joy to squish and look at, and a new wallet—his old one had been getting worn and torn from prolonged use and age. “Tch.” He clicked his tongue, feeling slightly embarrassed that he’d essentially bought a stuffed-animal, but Sae had been the one to not only introduce it, but also coax him into buying it… so, even if that bastard wanted to tease him about it, he had no ground to stand on; after all, he’d bought the seagull keychain.

“So-“ Sae began, his voice sourcing from directly behind Rin without warning and competing him to startle and whip around to shoot a glare at the other. “-are you… going to message Isagi, now?” He asked, his tone a strange forced-nonchalance that made Rin’s eyebrow arch with suspicion… but he couldn’t understand Sae’s motives for asking, so he simply shrugged, seeing no reason not to answer honestly.

“I’m going to do some yoga first and shower- but, yeah. After that, I’m going to text him and see if he’s available to talk.” Hopefully whatever Isagi was getting up to in Bluelock wasn’t so intense, time-consuming, and borderline prison-like that Isagi wouldn’t be able to reply to his attempt at reaching out—he also really hoped that, despite the fact they were rivals, Isagi would be willing to inform and fill him in on what kind of training-regime system Rin might want to expect when he was finally allowed to go back.

Humming and not-so-casually scooting a little bit closer to him before leaning against the kitchen counter in a way that was the opposite of the inconspicuous-facade he seemed to be trying to maintain, Sae nodded, a forced-looking, strangely-polite smile stretching across his lips. “That sounds fun… are you looking forward to talking to him?” He pressed further, his voice heavy and weighed down with something Rin couldn’t quite place; why was Sae asking him such trivial, obvious questions? Of course he was excited to speak with Isagi after so long without contact… Was his humiliating display of eagerness when purchasing his new phone not enough of a giveaway?

“Uh, yeah?” Rin huffed out shortly, wholly confused by the strange, almost-aggressive looking glimmer that flickered through Sae’s gaze when he did—the hell? What the fuck could possibly be going through this weirdo’s mind right now? “Of course I am?” He clicked his tongue, narrowing his eyes when Sae’s lips pressed into a thin, wavering line for a few moments before quickly reforming that strange, exaggeratedly-polite smile from earlier.

“Great.” Sae nodded stiffly, though his grin resembled something more along the lines of a wolf baring his teeth than someone actually amused or joyful. “I’m sure he’s excited to talk to you as well.” He chuckled quietly, his voice along with his entire posture so visibly strained and off-balance that Rin internally cringed; what the hell was wrong with him right now? Was the bastard on the verge of having a stroke or something?

Narrowing his eyes with suspicion, Rin regarded Sae’s awkwardness for a few long, drawn-out seconds before eventually shaking his head, rolling his eyes, and huffing with mild-annoyance. “Alright, then.” He drawled flatly, deciding that, if Sae wanted to be a weird, awkward freak, then he could knock himself out. “I’m going to do my yoga now… you better not make any loud noises or bother me until I’m done.” He warned shortly, attempting to glare in a threatening manner but, under the weight of Sae’s dazed, off-putting stare, he found he couldn’t maintain it for very long before having to avert his eyes.

What a weirdo… but, whatever; Rin was much too preoccupied with the annoyance and mild dread that came with the knowledge that he hadn’t stretched properly in over a month and was no doubt incredibly stiff. “Gh.” He huffed out quietly, squeezing his eyes shut and taking deep, steadying breaths to endure and eventually relax the straining pain in his calf-muscles; damnit, now he regretted being lazy this past week and a half even more!

Thankfully, Sae had heeded his warning and hadn’t caused any disturbances… but, once Rin had wrapped up his hour long stretching session and settled himself down on the couch with his new phone in hand—he’d decided to hold off on the shower in favor of quelling his excitement; his stretching was purely static and hadn’t caused him to work up any sweat, anyways—he once again became painfully aware of how stiff, on-edge, and exaggeratedly-unbothered Sae seemed to be; everything about him from his posture to expression screamed discomfort… or maybe even annoyance? Why the hell would he be annoyed? He was all sunshine, rainbows, and smiles before they’d gotten home… what could’ve triggered him- and, better yet, why did he seem so determined to maintain a nonchalant facade?

After taking a few moments to silently contemplate and observe Sae who continued to stare forward, his attention fixed solely on the show playing on the TV to an unnatural extent that screamed of how forced the action was, Rin eventually decided to simply brush it off; whatever, as long as he didn’t start acting weird to an extent that it actually bothered and affected him, Rin didn’t really care—what? It’s not like Sae actively looked sad or anything; there was no cause for alarm.

Shaking his head and sighing inaudibly, Rin fiddled with his phone for a few moments, his thumb hovering over the text-app with a combination of excitement and nerves—why the hell was he nervous?—before finally gathering the courage to click it and Isagi’s contact, and- ah… 57 missed text messages? “Sheesh…” he huffed quietly, unable to stop the small, earnest smile that tugged at the corners of his lips as a fuzzy warmth bloomed in his chest; he was a little bit put-off and disturbed to realize that a lot—if not most—of those messages were from the night he’d attempted and were a scrambled, unorganized jumble of Isagi begging him not to go through with it… but, the discomfort he felt from the reminder of what he’d done was easily overshadowed by how touched and relieved he was to find that 13 out of those 57 messages were more recent and of Isagi trying to reach out out to him—maybe that’s why he’d been nervous earlier; perhaps he had been scared that Isagi would’ve forgotten or even abandoned their newfound friendship before it even had the chance to truly flourish.

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“RIIINNN! Hi :) Do you have your new phone yet? Are you out of the hospital yet? Text me back as soon as you can and sry if I don’t respond fast… Ego is making us do so much work and I barely have time with my phone 😫”

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“omg- idk when you’ll see this, but guess what… Shidou got declared the current number one bc you’re not here and he WONT SHUT UP ABOUT IT! PLEASE COME BACK SOON! We need you to humble him!!! PLSSSSSSSS 🙏”

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“RIN WHERE R YOU!? I’m lonely 🥺👉👈 do you still not have your new phone or sm? Why are you taking so long to get a new one 😭? I wanna call Sae to ask if ur okay but he scares me… I’m afraid he’ll yell at me 😳! Idk why but he seemed really pissed at me in the hospital and idk if I did something to offend him… BUT I LOWKEY THINK HE WANTS TO KILL ME 😰! Idk do you think he’s angry at me or is that literally just how your brother’s face looks? WAIT DONT TELL HIM I SAID THAT! HE MIGHT KILL ME FR NOW 💀!”

Rin had only read through the first three messages that Isagi had left for him and he already felt leagues better than he had just a few minutes; the crazy part was that he hadn’t even had a particularly bad day- actually, he’d even go as far as to call today the best one he’d had since all of this happened… but, that’s just how powerful of an effect Isagi’s messages had on him.

To: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“Hey dumbass.”

Brash, unnecessary, and rude… but, it seemed that Isagi didn’t really mind those aspects of his personality enough to hate or avoid him for it…

From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)

“RIN 😱!?”

An immediate response.

Chapter Text

Okay- yes, as he’d mentioned before, Sae had quite literally been intending for Rin to reach out and bond with Isagi seeing as it would most-likely do well to improve his mood, spirit, and motivation… but, despite how relieving as it was to know that his little brother would now have another source of external support and comfort, Sae couldn’t help the way an ugly, dark-green jealousy reared its disgusting head and rooted itself in his chest at the sight of Rin, his precious baby brother, smiling and fawning over that damned bastard Isagi’s texts! That mother-fucker wasnt even physically present and yet, with a few text messages, he’d already managed to make Rin laugh—something Sae still hadn’t managed to accomplish yet, mind you!

Gritting his teeth, forced himself to maintain a stiff, probably-uncanny smile as Rin, who was sitting almost directly beside him on the couch, giggled—giggled!—at something that half-baked, not even currently present bastard had texted him… and- fuck, Sae knew it was wrong and hypocritical to be feeling this way about someone who was ultimately a positive, healthy influence on Rin, but he couldn’t fucking help it, okay!? He was still human! No matter how hard he tried or how guilty and disgusted he felt with himself for having the audacity to feel this way, he couldn’t find the willpower strong enough to shake the selfish, twisted part of his heart that wanted Rin’s attention and laughter pointed solely at him—well, any laughter or even smile he received would be quite the treat considering Sae hadn’t managed either yet.

With the newfound confidence that came with having successfully spent multiple hours bonding and casually chatting with Rin at the mall, Sae was now almost-fully convinced that he would soon be able to re-earn the title of ‘big brother’—without the ‘shitty’ prequel, hopefully—and possibly even ‘Ni-Chan’ again if he simply kept at it; after all, Rin had gone out of his way to display interest and thoughtfulness in regards to Sae’s wellbeing and entertainment, proving that his little brother was indeed making an effort at reconnecting with him to a certain extent—the seagull keychain he was currently toying with and busying his hands with was a testimony of that—but, how much would said progress slow and possibly even falter with Isagi’s presence—even if just digital—back in the picture? Would Rin, now having an external source of company and entertainment that was not Sae, start pulling away from him again? Would he and Isagi form such an intimate, tight-knit bond that Sae’s presence and company was no longer sought after or entertained to the extent that it had been today? Would Isagi instead be the one to earn the title of ‘Ni-Chan’ before him!?

Squeezing the keychain in in his hand as if it were a stress-relieving toy, Sae shut his eyes and summoned every ounce of his willpower to not make an attempt at interrupting his little brother’s texting session in an attempt to redirect the attention back onto himself—seriously- what the fuck kind of attention-whore was he turning into!?—but, when Rin let another giggle slip, he didn’t have the adequate amount of time necessary to restrain himself. “What are you two talking about?” He blurted out without warning, internally cringing with withering-humiliation when Rin paused, reigned his smile back into something neutral—damnit, he couldn’t even get a second-hand smile? They’d bonded so much today… didn't that count for something!?—and turned to give Sae an even, slightly-impatient look.

“Uh- just Bluelock stuff, I guess? He’s just whining about how shitty and weird Ego’s system is.” Rin was hurrying through his explanation, much to Sae’s disappointment and embarrassment; it seemed that, regardless of how much progress he’d made over the course of this day alone, Isagi still took priority over him—a sore, crushing defeat considering Sae had just been mentally gloating and declaring himself the victory of their one-sided rivalry just a few hours ago.

“Oh- cool…” Sae began, quickly trailing off when he realized that, within the span of less than a second, Rin had already disregarded his presence entirely in favor of turning his entire focus back onto his phone-screen; back to Isagi Yoichi. “Stupid Isagi…” he mumbled under his breath, extremely careful to make sure it wasn’t audible seeing as Rin was sitting less than a few feet away from him; being caught badmouthing the person his little brother was currently bonding with most-likely wouldn’t earn him any brother-points.

Now, in all likelihood, Sae knew it was irrational and borderline-psychotic—not that being self-aware in that aspect would aid him in this situation—to immediately assume that Isagi’s reintroduction would automatically doom him to a life of never-reconciling or bonding with Rin ever again… but even just imagining a reality where, after having put in so much effort and having achieved so much progress, he was still untimely rejected and replaced stung and ate away at his sanity like a disgusting, squirming little bug that he couldn’t quite crush!

After what felt like years of suffering in silence, Sae was relieved when Rin finally announced that he and Isagi were done texting and that he would be heading upstairs to shower—thank fucking god; one more second of listening to Rin chuckle or giggle and Sae would’ve gone insane and scratched out his own eardrums. “Ah- okay, one sec while I turn everything off.” He was so eager to rid himself of the uncomfortable, underlying itching-jealousy that he practically stumbled over his own feet while rushing to flick off the lights before insistently ‘coaxing’—in quotes because it was literally just him pushing—Rin to hurry up the stairs… but not without receiving a multitude of mildly-confused protest, scowls, and an array of colorful, snarky curse-words in response; oh well, whatever got Sae away from the prison-like, torturous hell that he’d been enduring for the past hour as fast as possible was worth it. “Sorry.” He apologized sheepishly, feigning innocence when Rin whipped around to shoot him a scorching, mildly-Indignant glare once they’d finally reached the top of the stairs.

“The fuck is going on with you?” Rin hissed with impatience, making a show of exaggeratedly smoothing out his clothing—oh, come on! Hoodies couldn’t even get wrinkled!—before giving Sae an annoyed, yet slightly-troubled look. “Why are you acting so weird right now? You were perfectly fine until we got back home?” He huffed, thoroughly catching Sae off guard as he was not expecting to be directly called out—he should’ve known better by now; Rin wasn’t one to beat around the bush when he felt motivated enough to say something.

Averting his eyes and fidgeting uncomfortably, Sae’s stomach churned with shame and dread as he was once again forced to directly confront the fact that he was essentially jealous and spiteful towards someone Rin considered a friend. “It’s nothing.” He lied without hesitation… perhaps even a little too quickly as his abnormally-immediate, unfaltering response only served to make his little brother even more skeptical and suspicious.

“Really?” Rin drawled flatly, not even pretending to entertain Sae’s blatantly obvious lie. “You’re so full of shit… it’s obvious you've been acting weird since we got back, so don’t even try to lie.” Leave it to Rin to be direct, merciless, and unapologetically blunt when confronting someone—or, maybe just him. “Quit sulking and acting like a freak and just tell me what’s wrong already. Why have you been acting so…” he trailed off for a moment, his eyebrows knitting with confusion as he searched for the appropriate word to describe Sae’s borderline-lunacy “-so fake?” He eventually decided, looking mildly satisfied with his choice of wording. “You’ve had this weird, forced smile on your face for the past few hours, and don’t even pretend like you haven’t.” He warned darkly and, despite not being intimidated by Rin himself, Sae found the prospect of possibly having to admit the truth terrifying; ‘I’m actually jealous of you’re friend Isagi because I’m afraid that he’ll become your new Ni-Chan before I get the chance to apologize and make things right between us’… yeah- no way in fucking hell Sae could admit something like that out loud! Not only was it laughably hypocritical, selfish, and shameful, but he was also afraid that expressing the extent of his desires and hopes for the future of their relationship would possibly end up deterring Rin from their bonding.

“I’m- uhm… it’s just that I-“ Sae stuttered out nervously, his heart sinking with dread when his voice cracked and he found himself at a complete and utter loss for words; what kind of logical, justifiable excuse could he make for his behavior if not simply admitting the truth? “I’m just… bothered about something.” Is what he eventually decided to go with; he hadn’t even wanted to admit that much aloud but he felt that, seeing as there were realistically no viable excuses given the situation, admitting the truth—if only a fraction of it in the most vague, unspecific way possible—would be the best immediate course of action. “It’s nothing that you did-“ that was also the truth; Rin’s attachment to Isagi was annoying, but it wasn’t the direct source of his worry and dread… he was simply afraid that said attachment would hinder his own progress at bonding and reconciling. “-it’s just… a me thing. I’m sorry if I was acting weird but it’s nothing important… I swear.” Sae’s selfish, agenda-driven emotions were not something Rin needed to stress over or even be aware of.

With a long, drawn-out sigh that made him squirm with discomfort, Rin simply regarded him for a few moments, his sharp, inspecting glare burning a hole straight through Sae’s soul. “Whatever.” He grumbled with a shake of the head, apparently too exhausted and exasperated to interrogate or push Sae any further—thank goodness; he did not do well under Rin’s scrutiny.

Releasing a breath when Rin released his gaze and turned in his heel before shutting himself in the bathroom, Sae sighed deeply, bringing a hand up to rub and pinch at the bridge of his nose before eventually shaking his head and setting about going through his own nightly routine… but, after wrapping up his shower and skincare routine, he was startled to find Rin already finished and sitting on the edge of the bed, his posture and expression one of a disappointed parent about to scold their child. “Alright, now that we’re both both fresh, how about you tell me what’s going on with you now?” Rin drawled, clicking his tongue and positively radiating a ‘scolding’ energy’. “We’ve both got nothing but time now… so, unless you plan on going to bed well beyond midnight, why don’t you just make things easier for both of us by telling me the truth about what’s bothering you?” Damnit, Sae should’ve known that he wouldn’t have gotten off so easily; Rin was incredibly persistent and stubborn when he set his single-track mind to something—to a baffling extent, even.

After getting past the dumbfounded shock of having essentially been scolded by his little brother, Sae snapped out of his daze, internally cringing and racking his mind for any kind of last-minute lie or excuse he could conjure… but, with a defeated sigh and a shake of the head, he was regretful to have found nothing—damnit, he should’ve been preparing for something like this in advance while he was in the shower! “Rin… it’s really stupid, I promise. It’s nothing serious or so important that you need to be worried-“

“It’s clearly bothering you to the extent that you’re acting weird and annoying me… so, yes, actually. I think it is serious enough to worry about.” Rin countered before he even had the opportunity to finish, his stubborn, unmovable determination once again causing Sae to falter. “What? What’s with that face? Did you really think I’d let you go that easily?” He clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes and gesturing—more like demanding—for Sae to take a seat next to him on the bed.

Swallowing audibly before quickly moving to comply, Sae averted his eyes and let his head hang low with shame once the realization that he would most likely be admitting the full extent of the truth to Rin right now dawned on him; there was no escape- well, no escape that wouldn’t result in a disaster or worst-outcoming than simply telling the truth. “Rin, I promise that it’s really stupid and insignificant… I’ll stop-“

“Don’t care, I wanna know what’s bothering you.”

…

Fuck… there really was no getting out of this, was there? With a weak, defeated sigh, Sae squeezed his eyes shut, desperately hoping for it to lessen at least a fraction of the shame and humiliation coursing through him right now. “I’m just…” he mumbled begrudgingly, his voice trailing off into something inaudible and indecipherable before he’d even managed to get to the main point.

Groaning and releasing a multitude of annoyed, impatient curses, Rin huffed with exasperation. “What? Stop mumbling, dumbass. I don’t understand what could be so stupid that you’re reluctant to just spit it out and-“

“I’m jealous of Isagi, okay!?”

…

…

…

“What?”

Chapter Text

Sae pushing him up the stairs had been the last straw; it hadn’t particularly annoyed or bothered him to the extent that he had feigned to make a point, but it was strange and out-of-character enough that he knew that he should confront Sae about his behavior before whatever the hell that was bothering him managed to stew even longer… but, this explanation was not something he’d been anticipating in the slightest:

“I’m jealous of Isagi, okay!?”

…

“What?” Rin exhaled out dumbly, his brain struggling to register and process the words that had finally managed to leave Sae’s hesitant, reluctant mouth; he wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting… but this response was definitely not even close. “Jealous.” He repeated flatly, unable to comprehend the notion that Sae could even get jealous—allegedly—but that he was jealous of Isagi of all people? What- why the hell was he even jealous of him for and, better question, how did said jealousy translate into the weird, inexplicable way he’d been acting around Rin? Even when summoning every last brain cell at his disposal, he, for the life of him, could not form or draw any kind of correlation between the two. “What… what are you even talking about, Sae?” He asked bluntly, not even trying to conceal his skepticism and confusion. “Jealous? Of Isagi? How- about what? He’s not even here right now… what reason could you possibly find to be jealous of him?” This had to be some sort of joke, right? There was no well in hell Sae wasn’t messing with him right now- or, perhaps he was simply lying to distract and direct the conversation away from what was truly causing him to act strange?

Shifting and visibly fidgeting with discomfort, Sae continued to remain faced away from him even as he quietly spoke to answer. “Exactly… he’s not even here.” He sighed softly and, only after catching sight of the way Sae’s fingernails dug roughly into his palms, did Rin realize that he sounded annoyed. “That bastard isn’t even here and yet he managed to steal all of your attention away without having to do so much as lift a few fingers to type.” The longer he spoke, the more pissed off and noticeably bitter Sae’s voice became. “He managed to make you laugh literally minutes after you’d turned on your phone!” He huffed loudly, his agitation visibly piquing as he suddenly whipped around to give him a sharp, pointed look as if Rin were missing the most obvious, easily-identifiable fact in the world.

Knitting his eyebrows with confusion, Rin huffed shortly, a mild indignation washing through him and causing the warm, recently-calm waters around him to darken and thrash with an oncoming turmoil. “I- and?” He still didn’t understand; what did his reaction to Isagi’s text-messages have to do with anything? “So what if he made me laugh? Am I not allowed to do that or something?” He snapped, feeling frustrated as he naturally assumed that, for whatever reason, Sae was agitated with him. “Why the hell would something like that make you jealous?” He clicked his tongue, his discomfort and turmoil only growing when Sae gave him an incredulous look before frustratedly wringing his hands and running one through his hair; what the fuck was this guys problem right now?

“Are- you seriously can’t figure it out?” The disbelief in his voice, posture, and expression was defeated rather than genuinely mocking… but that didn’t mean that Rin, feeling more on-edge and emotionally charged than he had the entire day, cared to pay that detail any mind.

“Am I supposed to?” He growled through gritted teeth, metaphorically and physically baring his fangs defensively as if daring Sae to challenge and provoke him further. “Seriously- stop giving me a face like it’s so damn obvious. How the fuck does Isagi making me smile connect to you being jealous of-“

“Because I want to make you smile, Rin!” Sae snapped with warning, his eyes blazing with ferocity that bordered on something desperate and even possessive. “How can you not see that!? I’m jealous because I’ve been trying my damn hardest to bond and reconnect with you during this past month and then- then fucking Isagi just waltzes in and makes you smile and laugh and care about him like it’s the easiest thing in the whole world! So- yeah, I’m fucking jealous! Today was the first day it felt like we were genuinely making progress and really bonding and then he just drops in out of nowhere and suddenly all of your attention is back on him!” He finished with a short, impatient huff of annoyance, his chest heaving with the exertion from having ranted non-stop without taking a breath or break in between… and, Rin- well, despite having gotten a direct, from-the-source response that was undeniably genuine, he felt more ruffled than he had when they’d started.

Sae was jealous because Rin was paying more attention and expressing himself more freely around Isagi than him? What? How- okay, wait… so, first of all, it turned out that Sae did in fact have the capacity to be jealous- which, wow, Rin would never have seen that coming; even though he’d been getting progressively more expressive and noticeably more emotional in general—not particularly in a bad way, either—he never would have though that Sae would’ve ever allowed himself to succumb to such a trivial, child-like emotion… and to find out that he was jealous of his and Isagi’s bond no less? What the hell- was he having some sort of weird, distorted fever dream right now, because a world where Itoshi Sae got jealous and dare he even say territorial of his attention and affection was not a world Rin believed himself to live in… but, one blank, dumbfounded glance at Sae’s desperate, fiery-looking expression was all it took to make him realize that, no, this wasn’t a fever dream; this was reality.

Blinking a few times, Rin opened his mouth… but, he quickly shut it again when no words came out, and Sae took the opportunity to capitalize off of said hesitation. “Look, I’m- I know that it’s selfish and idiotic of me to feel jealous, especially considering everything I’ve done in the past… and- don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that you have Isagi as a friend. He seems like a good person who genuinely cares for you… and that’s why I didn’t even want to say anything about this in the first place. It’s stupid, Rin… I know it is. I’m sorry for acting weird… it’s just- it’s frustrating to me, that’s all. It’s not like you or Isagi did anything wrong… it’s just a me thing, like I tried to explain earlier.” He sighed, the fire and annoyance in his expression faltering and flickering into something more toned-downed and defeated as he shook his head and brought a hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. “It’s so fucking hypocritical of me… getting jealous and frustrated that you won’t smile or open up to me like you do with Isagi is just- it’s fucking selfish and ironic at best.” He scoffed with bitter amusement, his expression pinching for a few moments before he once again sighed. “I'm just- you know by now what I want for us, right, Rin? You know that I want to confront the past, apologize properly, and repair things between us, right?” He asked, his expression close to one of pleading… so, having no incentive to lie, Rin nodded; after realizing that Sae truly did love him and felt such deep remorse for the mistakes he’d made in the past, it was kind of hard not to understand that he truly did just want to fix things between them. “Yeah… and I’m- today felt like such a step in the right direction, y’know? But, even though I wanted you to have Isagi as a friend that you could reach out and speak with, seeing him just waltz in make you laugh so easily just made me realize how much distance there still is between us… and, the thing is, I don't even know if you truly want things between us to ever be ‘fixed’ or ‘repaired’ like I do, and it's just… it’s hard to ignore.” He sighed tiredly, a flicker of relief crossing his expression when Rin once again nodded; he didn’t understand because he was quite literally in the polar-opposite end of their relationship-dynamic, but he didn’t want to push the already straining, broken Sae even further. “Heh, I’m sorry… I never meant for you to hear all of this.” He apologized quietly and, despite the odd, instinctive realization that his apology was meant to bring the conversation to a close, Rin found that would be impossible—the floodgates were open; the topic he’d been dancing and tiptoeing around was once again brought to the forefront of his attention, forcing him to confront the still-fresh, gaping wound that was the complexity of their relationship in full.

The question that haunted Rin since the moment he’d agreed to spend the month at home with Sae; what did he want the future of their relationship to look like? Yes, it was true that, slowly, he was growing to open up and even enjoy Sae’s presence in his life again… but the short-sighted, unresolved dynamic that they had just barely managed to maintain was far from a concrete, conclusive decision to the question that plagued him. Did he want to eventually forgive and truly re-accept Sae into his life again—or at least be willing to try—meaning that, sometime before this month was over, he would have to sit alongside the other while they both made an effort towards confronting the dark, cold past they shared? It was such a complex situation that never failed to invoke a slew of confusion, contradictory emotions within Rin’s heart… but, he felt that, despite how spontaneous and out of the blue this confrontation and topic had been, there was no point in trying to put this off for any longer; Rin couldn’t simply continue living in limbo… and, yes, he knew that, technically, decisions like this were something that could change on a whim and were hardly ever concrete in the way that he was attempting to force it to be, but he really wanted to put this particular debate to a rest here and now.

Sighing and side-ways glancing at Sae who remained slumped over beside him, Rin closed his eyes, willing for something, anything, that he could use as the foundation of what would be his ultimate decision… and, after around a minute, he found it; intentions. What kind of intentions did Sae harbor for wanting their relationship to improve? He felt that was the most fundamental of questions, seeing that the answer to said question would directly influence the kind of relationship that the two of them might grow to develop if Rin did decide that he wanted things to continue to improve… and- well, Sae’s intentions? He loved Rin, regretted what he’d done and said, and wanted them to be in each other's lives again; was there an answer more pure and sought-after than that?

He didn’t think so.

So Sae had pure intentions… that was one check to the ‘pros’ box, but what else was there? He supposed maybe… How did Sae make him feel on a regular basis? If someone were to ask this question to his past-self from before his attempt, he would’ve gone in detail graphically explaining how hurt, insecure, and worthless Sae made him feel on the daily… but, that wasn't the truth anymore. Sae treated him with kindness, respect, and pure, earnest love that, albeit while making him extremely confused at times, usually evoked a soft, fuzzy warmth within his chest that made his heart sing with relief and joy… so, yeah, he supposed that being around Sae was something he enjoyed and could picture himself doing in the long-term future.

A second check to the box… but how about sustainability? It sounded weird and clinical on paper, but making an attempt at gauging the probability of success and longevity of maintaining an intimate, non-animosity-filled relationship with Sae was also something incredibly important to consider in full… and, perhaps he was simply being swayed by current bias, but Rin didn’t believe that Sae would regress back into the person he used to be—the remorse and guilt he’d displayed last night was a strong testimony of said belief, in all fairness—and, Sae had also been incredibly respectful, patient, and open-minded with him during this past month… so, wasn’t it fairly safe to say that Rin could count on him remaining at least decently consistent? He wasn’t expecting for Sae to never change or mess up, but as long as he continued to treat him with respect, dignity, and love, Rin felt that there wouldn’t be any reason to fear a potential falling out in the future.

…

Three for three in the ‘pros’ box… but, the thing was, Rin could make checklists and data-charts until he was blue in the face, but his final decision would not and could not be made unless heavily influenced by emotion… so, that once again left him the question: did he want things to eventually be ‘fixed’ between them—in quotes because it seemed like the both of them understood that ‘fixed’ was a very finalized, inflexible term that couldn’t ever really encompass their situation in full—as Sae had put it?

When allowing his heart to take the lead, Rin initially found himself gripped by rage, bitterness, and hatred that immediately cast the waters into darkness and turmoil… but, deciding to brave the storm and ride it out, it wasn’t very long before said turmoil dissipated, a small, but beacon-like ray of sunshine cutting through the murky, brooding clouds like a knife through butter; he felt warmth… warmth when he once again opened his eyes to glance at Sae, his heart squeezing with endearment and affection when he realized that the other had tears in his eyes; he was crying—or, he was about to—because the notion that Rin might never be open to true reconciliation was so distressing to him that he wanted to cry… and, really, was there any declaration of love and selflessness more powerful and impactful that shedding tears on behalf of the one you care about? Sae had willingly decided to walk down the path of pain, suffering, and guilt all in the name of trying to love him again, in the name of trying and wanting to be Rin’s brother again… and he could no longer blissfully ignore that fact in favor of remaining comfortably—not that it was a comfortable position in the slightest—undecided.

Chewing his bottom lip and never taking his gaze off Sae, Rin was startled to realize that moisture had begun to pool in the corners of his own eyes… but, rather than wipe them away, he embraced them; they weren’t ugly, sorrowful tears rooted into distress or discomfort like he was used to… but, rather, the relief that accompanied the sensation of the war waging between his heart and mind finally stilling to a peaceful calmness that rivaled that of the glassy, reflective waters surrounding him.

Letting out a long, drawn-out exhale, Rin felt every tensed, knotted muscle in his body uncoil, working well to further that sensation of relief and freedom…

He had made his decision.

Chapter Text

Things had been going so well; Rin had acknowledged him, cooperated with his therapy, and had even agreed to spend time with Sae for no other incentive than he felt like it… and then he just had to go and act like a jealous, possessive freak for no other reason than the fact he was anxious and insecure, consequently spoiling and potentially even voiding all of said progress. “Shit…” he cursed out quietly, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing that reality would open up to swallow him whole; he would rather disappear than confront the notion that, in admitting the extent of his selfishness and jealousy, Rin would most likely start pulling away from him again—wow, how ironic; Sae had been worried that Isagi’s presence would drive a wedge between him and his little brother… but, as it turned out, Sae, in all his selfish irrationality, had all the power to do that himself without any external influences.

God- and literally just last night Sae had finally managed to gain acknowledgement and assurance that he was not in fact a horrible, selfish person incapable of growth… but, due to this confrontation, he was defeated to realize that perhaps he hadn’t grown; maybe he really was still a horrible, disgusting person incapable of doing good for those he loved… because- seriously, what kind of older brother admitted to being jealous and resentful of their younger sibling having a friend to cheer them up and make them laugh? A shitty one, that’s what.

While it was true that, if Sae had it his way, he wouldn’t have ever admitted the shameful, humiliating truth out loud- so, he supposed that he couldn’t fault himself for everything seeing as he’d essentially been forced into speaking by Rin… but, that didn’t excuse the fact that he’d allowed such selfish, childish desires to manifest physically to a point that his little brother felt the need to confront him about them to begin with; truly, there was nobody to blame for the situation and the consequences and effects that this confrontation would have on the future of their relationship but himself. “Sorry, Rin…” he sighed once more, not daring to meet his little brother’s undoubtedly disgusted, repulsed gaze as he tried his best to inconspicuously reach for his pillow and blanket; the least he could do was respect Rin’s decision that he be banished back to the floor after one night… but, when he made an attempt to reach for his pillow, he was startled and confused when a hand reached out to grab and squeeze at his wrists, stopping him in place before he could remove himself from the situation. “Rin…?” He breathed out nervously, his heart fluttering with anxiety as he still refused to meet the other’s gaze and therefore had absolutely so gauge as to what he might be thinking; why was he stopping Sae? Was Rin so disgusted and offended by his child-like show of shallow jealousy that he wanted to argue or berate him for having the audacity to feel such things? Honestly, if that was the case, Sae wouldn’t really be surprised, and he definitely would not blame his little brother if he were to get upset… Afterall, he’d just crossed a major boundary-line by verbally expressing his desire to truly reconcile; it seemed that, by now, Rin was well aware of his intentions and desires… but that didn’t mean that Sae had the right to forcibly express said desires without permission.

Sighing silently, Sae braced himself for a rough, undoubtedly disgusted rant and berating about why he was such a horrible, repulsive person; perhaps Rin might even hit him physically? It wouldn’t be too surprising… he deserved it, after all. “Look, if you want to- gh!” He choked out, his heart skipping a beat as his eyes widened with uncomprehending shock. “What are you…?” He trailed off quietly, his body stiffening with tension when he realized that his little brother was hugging him? “Rin- I… what are you doing?” He called out hesitantly, squeezing his eyes shut as his mind raced a mile-a-minute to process and comprehend how this inexplicable, unexpected turn of events came to pass; Rin was hugging him… but, why? Shouldn’t he be angry? Shouldn’t he be repulsed and resentful towards Sae for being so selfish? Or- oh, shit… was it possible that, in being so self-centered and blunt, he’d somehow managed to hurt Rin’s feelings? Was he simply seeking out physical comfort because he was feeling emotionally-vulnerable and had no choice but to seek it out from Sae? “Rin?” he called out again, gritting his teeth and barely managing to scrounge up the courage to pull back ever so slightly and observe his little brother’s face… and- fuck, he was crying; Sae had been right, Rin was hurt and upset by the things he’d said. “Shit- look, im sorry that-“

“Stop.” Rin’s muffled, yet surprisingly-steady voice called out to him and, after a few moments of obedient silence from Sae, he unburied his face from his shoulder so that they could look eye-to-eye. “Don’t apologize… you don’t even know what’s going on.” He huffed quietly, though his expression remained incredibly soft and passive… consequently confusing Sae even further and causing him to instinctively lean backwards a little; Rin was right, he had no idea what the hell was going on right now. “I’m- I do want to, Sae.” He declared confidently and without warning, his eyes blazing with a determined fire that caught Sae off guard… but, like his expression, there was something soft and even relieved in his sharp turquoise eyes.

“… huh?” Was all Sae could manage as a response; look- okay, not only was he incredibly baffled and confused right now, but Rin’s declaration had also come with literally zero context or specification… so it wasn’t entirely his fault for not understanding what the hell was happening. “What are you talking about…?” He asked hesitantly, internally cringing and berating himself for apparently being too slow to have caught the context on his own.

Clicking his tongue and huffing with impatience that seemed mostly performative, Rin gave him a mild look before once again leaning forward to bury his face against Sae’s shoulder. “Earlier you said that you don’t know if I want things to get better between us…” he trailed off, his voice going quite with something Sae was startled to realize was shyness- and, wait… wait, there was no fucking way that he was accurately assuming the implications of Rin’s words right now; this had to be some sort of misunderstanding on his part… he had to be reaching for straws- “well… I do, alright?” He huffed out shortly, his voice nothing short of embarrassed as begrudging—but, it felt more in the sense of simply being stubborn rather than actually not wanting to admit the truth. “You… damnit- I can’t believe that you’re actually jealous of Isagi because of something like that.” He grumbled and, against all odds, he did not in fact sound disgusted or repulsed, but rather… amused? “You dumbass… I thought you were acting weird because- I don’t know, you were genuinely upset about something important… but this? So stupid.” He clicked his tongue teasingly but, being in a state of pure, disbelieving shock and desperate to hear Rin’s explanation to the bombshell declaration he’d dropped before he started teasing him, Sae remained utterly silent and still. “But… I guess I’m kind of glad that you’re so stupid since it led to this.” He sighed, relaxing even further into the embrace before continuing. “Look, Sae… I’m not saying that I forgive you for what you’ve done- and, honestly, I don’t know if I ever will truly be able to… but, I- I don’t want to just leave things the way they are either and never see you again after all of this is over. I want things to get better between us too and I want to- y’know… have some sort of relationship with you even after the month is done. I don’t know when, but I do want to eventually have a… talk—I guess—about what happened between us and how we ended up here, but I don’t really know when I’ll be ready for that or how. I know that you love me just like I know that you regret the things that you’ve done… and, I- just… just know that I do want things to get better between us too, okay? Like I said this morning, I’m not going to ignore or push you away just because you make me mad or do something stupid… so there’s no need for you to feel jealous or afraid of Isagi, just like you don’t have to feel all guilty and stuff for that jealousy, alright? I’m- look… I want to keep you in my life, Sae, so just- I just wanted you to know that I’m consciously willing to at least try to work things out between us in a more mature way from now on, okay?” He finished with a long, draw-out sigh, any last remaining scraps of tension in his body melting away with the declaration… and, despite those words basically being made of Sae’s hopes and dreams, he couldn't will himself relax in the same way his little brother had.

His heart was racing, his eyes were most-likely comically wide as if they’d been stapled open, and his whole body was rigid and still with pure disbelief as he reviewed the words in his mind over and over in attempt to process it… and, when that last little puzzle piece of comprehension clicked into place within his mind, he felt himself let go; he let go of every single doubt, fear, and insecurity that had haunted and eaten away at him since that night he’d read Rin’s final message to him… all of it—and, don’t get him wrong, he wasn’t in any way releasing himself from guilt and accountability… but, being explicitly told by Rin himself that he would at the very least be willing to work towards improving things with him to the full extent that Sae wanted could qualify as the textbook definition of pure relief. “You…” he exhaled quietly, unable to do much aside from stare blankly when Rin once again pulled away so they could look eye-to-eye.

“Tch- y’know, I figured you would’ve had a slightly more funny reaction—like crying or something— to this… but your stupid blank face is kind of boring- Hff!” He huffed, clearly not expecting for Sae to rush forward and return the embrace with an iron-grip without warning. “Agh- bastard, stop squeezing me so hard!” He whined and, upon hearing the tinge of genuine pain in his little brother’s voice—shit, that’s right, his ribs still hurt—Sae lessened up ever so slightly… but, only the bare minimum; he would be damned if he let go now. “Oh… you are crying.” Rin mused quietly and Sae was unsurprised to find that yes, he was.

His chest and throat hitched with weak, quiet sobs as he buried his face against Rin’s shoulder, nuzzling against him contentedly and letting out a breath of relief when he felt a hand pat at his back; his little brother was trying to comfort him right now. “Rin…” he murmured softly, basking in the fuzzy, pleasant warmth that bloomed and settled in his heart. “Thank you…” he thanked earnestly, not quite sure what else he was supposed to say; how could he ever express his gratitude towards Rin for looking beyond his past mistakes and giving him a second chance? “T-thank you.” He repeated shakily, practically going limp and boneless as he basked in the sensation of holding and being held by the very person he’d been so desperate to prove himself to this entire time.

He’d done it- or, well… technically he hadn’t yet succeeded in what he wanted to accomplish but, now, Rin was willing to listen to him; he wanted Sae in his life and verbally expressed that he was willing to put in the effort required towards fixing things between the both of them… meaning that, even if it took twice, thrice, or even ten times as much slow-paced, grueling effort as it had this past month, Sae had finally managed to secure himself a spot in Rin’s life as someone he wanted to have a relationship with. “I love you, Rin…” he mumbled against the other's shoulder but, upon realizing that this newfound turn of events didn’t necessarily mean that Sae had full jurisdiction to say or do anything he wanted, he quickly moved to apologize. “Oh- uhm… sorry. Sorry, I don’t mean to overstep if you still don’t feel-“

“Oh my god… just shut up.” Rin huffed, pulling back to give Sae a teary-eyed, yet pointed look. “You don’t have to apologize for every little thing, stupid… if you make me uncomfortable then you know damn well that I will make you fully aware of it in a heartbeat, so you don’t have to be so careful and skittish from now on.” He scolded mildly, sniffling once more before relinquishing the hug and bringing a hooded-sleeve up to dab and wipe at his eyes. “You can say whatever you want… I don’t care.” He exhaled quietly, a light-pink blush painting his usually-pale skin as he averted his eyes shyly; he was giving Sae permission to say it- or, if he wasn’t misinterpreting the implications of his words, he was giving Sae permission to act… basically however he wanted?—within reason, of course.

“… so you don’t mind if I say it?” Sae’s quiet, hopeful voice asked hesitantly; if Rin verbally affirming that he wanted to reconcile to the extent that he wanted was an ice-cream sunday, then the nod his little brother gave him was the cherry on top. “Oh.” He breathed out dumbly, going silent for a few moments before opening his mouth to blurt out everything he’d been so desperate to say before getting permission. “I love you- and, I’m really proud to have you as my little brother because you’re so talented and special and I really never said it enough growing up… and I really love you so much and want to talk, spend time, and visit you once the month is over, and- mph!” Sae startled a little and let out a huff when a hand came to press against his mouth but, when he caught sight of his little brother’s bright red, flustered looking expression, he immediately relaxed and realized that, in testing the limits of his newfound privileges, he hadn’t already managed to overstep to the point of making Rin angry; he was embarrassed, but not angry.

“Y-you! I’m- if you pull shit like that again I’ll take away your privileges! You can say stuff in moderation… don’t just start- what, randomly unloading everything at once!” Rin huffed shortly, yanking his hand back before shooting Sae a challenging, flustered glare that resembled something of a small, overwhelmed kitten raising its hackles and spitting while swinging its adorable, harmless little baby-claws in a show of intimidation… so, unable to resist, Sae completely ignored said display of intimidation in favor of rushing forward to squish his little brother back up into another tight—not too tight; he didn’t want to hurt his ribs—embrace to which the other made a high, shrill squeak of protest… but, seeing as he didn’t actually curse or shove Sae away, he didn’t feel compelled to actually heed it.

“I love you.” He repeated, his voice dripping with affection, fondness, and endearment as he did. “I love you so much… I don’t know what I’d have done if you decided that you never wanted to actually work things out between us.” He sighed quietly, willing the dark, twisted ‘what-if’ scenarios that rushed to haunt him away; the best-case scenario had come to pass so there was no reason to entertain such foolish, negative thoughts any longer… and, apparently, Rin shared his sentiments.

“Tch- well, now that you really have absolutely zero—ZERO—reason to be stressed about anything anymore, no more acting pathetic, got it? I already warned you about acting like a little baby this morning… and yet you still had to go and act childish by being jealous of Isagi, so this is your last warning, understand? No more being a cry-baby, anxious, or weird about anything!” He demanded sternly but, although there was a little bit of genuine ‘scolding’ in his tone, he sounded more amused and teasing than anything else.

“Heh, I understand.” Sae chuckled in agreement, taking a few more moments to bask in the sensation of hugging Rin without worry or anxiety in regards to what it meant… and, when he finally pulled away and steadied himself, he was met with a sight that stunned him nearly as much as the declaration he’d received just a few minutes ago:

His little brother was smiling at him.

Chapter Text

When Rin woke up that morning a pleasant, golden sliver of sunlight peaked through the crack of the curtains, caressing his skin with it’s soft, feather-light warm… and—not to get overly poetic of anything—he felt that this physical sensation did justice to encompass his emotional state of mind quite well; for a decent amount of time now, Rin had been slowly growing to associate the comfort and amusement he derived from Sae’s presence as something similar the sensation of sunlight… and, now more than ever, he correlated the two as nearly identical. “Mm…” he hummed out softly, blinking open his groggy, but surprisingly not-heavy eyelids; he didn’t feel very fatigued or exhausted considering he’d barely had the chance to shake off the heavy weight of sleep. “Wha’time is it…” he slurred quietly to himself, frowning during the few moments he’d forgotten about the presence of his new phone; that’s right, he didn’t have to gauge the time by squinting at the distant, probably out-of-whack clock on the far wall anymore… he had a phone on his dresser to tell him the time upfront—thank whoever invented the analogue clock. “10:12?” He mumbled dazedly, a small part of his mind mildly upset that he’d overslept—well, it’s not like he actually woken up for anything anyways; asides from the yoga he’d done yesterday, Rin still hadn’t managed to get back into the habit of scheduled training. “Tch- I got to get back on that.” He chided himself with a slightly agitated huff, making a mental bookmark to force himself into working out in the garage later today when the sun’s rays weren’t so overhead and harsh.

For a little while, he simply laid there, letting his eyes flutter shut as he quietly enjoyed the peace of both a physical and metaphorical sun shining down upon him… and, it wasn’t just the ‘sun’ that allowed him to relax either; the usually tumulus, void-like ocean around him felt so clear, sparkly, and reflective that one might mistake it for actual glass—he’d felt a sort of calmness like this yesterday while shopping at the mall, but this wasn’t simply calmness; this was peace.

It was so odd… recalling back to the night of his attempt he’d been almost certain that the emptiness and lack-of-emotion had been the achievement of piece but, now having experienced the real thing first-hand, he found it a little sad to the point of it being borderline-amusing that his past-self had been so broken, deluded, and detached to believe that such hollowness could even be remotely compared to the warm, fuzzy sensation that had rooted itself in his heart and made a—hopefully permanent—home.

Like he’d explained to Sae last night, Rin did not forgive him and wasn’t even entirely sure if he ever would truly be able to… but—as strange as it sounded to say—it didn’t feel like forgiveness was really… the point of what had happened between them; Sae wanted forgiveness and, if he could manage, Rin wanted to give that to him… but, the level of understanding and mutual-respect that they’d developed for each other's wishes seemed to be the much more focus-worthy aspect of last night.

Everything previously tip-toed around was now fully exposed and out in the open between them; they both understood the extent of each other's desires in regards to where their bond and relationship eventually progressed… and, despite still being mildly uncertain in how said progress would come to be, it seemed that both of their wishes for the future aligned; simply put, both Rin and Sae wanted to share a mutual, affectionate relationship where they spoke, spent time together, and just existed in each other's lives… so- yeah, Rin felt that, despite it being a major aspect of their current dynamic, maybe being uncertain about the ‘forgiveness’ road-block they’d eventually have to tackle with each other didn’t have to weigh down all of the other positive things that had come to be last night.

In the midst of his musings and contemplation, Sae had begun to stir—oh, yeah- that’s right… Rin hadn’t actually kicked him off the bed despite what he’d declared yesterday morning about his ‘bed-privileges’ being temporary… had he forgotten to mention that?—causing Rin to peek through his cracked-open eyes just in time to see the other dazedly blinking and mumbling his way to wakefulness. “Rin…?” Sae breathed out quietly, his squinted-gaze regarding him for a few moments before widening ever-so-slightly with realization. “Oh- uhm… good morning.” He greeted awkwardly, looking a bit embarrassed much to Rin’s gleeful amusement—what? Just because he’d decided that he wanted to keep Sae around didn’t mean he wouldn’t continue to tease and be a brat.

“… good morning.” Rin mirrored back after only a moment's hesitation, suppressing a snort of amusement when Sae, apparently unable to fathom not being cursed or mocked, once again looked stunned to have been greeted so ‘politely’—in quotes because Rin’s ‘politeness’ was the equivalent of the average persons’ ‘rude-bitch mode’. “My arm is asleep.” He lamented, internally cringing with mild discomfort when Sae shifted, causing the arm he’d been clutching onto the spike with pins and needles; he wasn’t saying it simply as a means to demand the other to leave… he just genuinely could not feel his arm and would most likely have to shake it back to functioning.

“My bad.” Sae mumbled quietly as he shifted and moved to release his arm and, to Rin’s mild surprise and satisfaction, he didn’t sound skittishly apologetic; saying sorry was fine, but he didn’t quite enjoy it when Sae was overly remorseful and guilty about every little thing… but, he did go out of his way to haphazardly shake Rin’s limp arm awake in attempt to make amends, so maybe he was still an idiot. “Better?” He asked, stretching and yawning with satisfaction after receiving a nod—it had done well to get the blood circulating again.

With Sae now being awake, the two of them should have moved to get out of bed and start their day… emphasis on the ‘should have’; without saying much of anything after their initial greeting, the two of them simply laid there beside each other, both content to sit in silence as a comfortable, not-at-all strained atmosphere settled around them… but, despite how oddly-pleasant it was to simply enjoy the other’s presence without the looming, straining weight that had been dragging him down his past month weighing heavy on his heart, Rin eventually decided that, after thirty minutes of doing nothing, he would prefer to get up and start his day; he felt that he finally had the energy and motive to begin seriously training again, and he would enjoy being able to start his day off without a ridiculously late breakfast. “I’m going downstairs.” He announced casually, finding himself oddly nostalgic over the way Sae responded with an equally-casual, unrushed nod and hum of acknowledgment; he was usually so frantic, meticulous, and overbearing… so, seeing Sae act like- well, simply like Sae rather than a stressed-out, helicopter-parent was a change of pace that Rin could imagine himself growing quite fond of.

After languidly going through his morning routine, Rin descended the stairs, opened all of the blinds, and immediately set about preparing the kitchen and ingredients necessary for cooking himself a clean, yet tasty omelet- and, maybe Sae would like one too? He always enjoyed omelets growing up and, despite not remembering exactly how he used to like them prepared, Rin was fairly certain that his recipe was simple enough to be universally enjoyed by all omelets-lovers—plus, now that he’d made the conscious effort to maturely work towards improving things between them, shouldn’t he take the initiative to be at least a little bit thoughtful about things like this? “Hm.” He hummed quietly, cracking double the amount of eggs and preparing twice as much sausage and vegetables.

By the time he’d just finished plating both omelets, Sae appeared from the hallway, briefly glancing towards the omelets Rin had made. “That looks good… can you leave all of the stuff out so I can make one for myself in a little bit?” He asked, clearly not having registered—or maybe just not understanding—what the presence of two different omelets on separate plates meant; so stupid.

“Tch.” Rin clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes before purposefully clacking the plates down onto the table to catch the other’s attention, gesturing towards the separate set of utensils pointedly. “Are you blind or something?” He huffed with mock-impatience, feeling a twinge of satisfaction when, once again, Sae seemed thoroughly caught off guard by his unprompted display of house-mate etiquette.

“Is that for me?” Sae asked, tilting his head and raising an eyebrow as he eyed the second plate skeptically as if he couldn’t possibly believe that Rin had gone out of his way to make a kind gesture; bastard.

“No, I actually just made two, put them on separate plates, and grabbed double the utensils because I don’t like to mix ceramics when I eat my omelettes.” Rin drawled flatly, his voice dripping with unfiltered sarcasm fit for the snarky teenager that he was… but, because he was still the overly-cautious, calculating dumbass that he was, Sae seemed to take his words at face value—initially, at least; he most likely would’ve caught on soon after if Rin wasn’t so quick to mercilessly jump on any opportunity to tease him—prompting Rin to snort and chuckle gracelessly and choke on a stray piece of egg that had snuck through for a few moments before managing to calm himself down. “God- Sae, what happened to you? You used to be so sharp and haughty… you’re past-self wouldn’t have hesitated on sarcasm like that for even a second.” He mused, not thinking anything of the tease until he glanced back up towards Sae whose expression seemed mildly conflicted for a few moments before he sighed, took a seat on the dinner-table, and made quick work of chowing down on his omelet—at least he seemed to like it; he was eating it quite fast.

“I hope I never act like my past-self ever again.” Sae expressed quietly and without warning, causing Rin to pause his search for a TV show in favor of turning towards the other, a sort of understanding dawning on him.

“… I- stupid, I didn’t mean it like that.” He huffed softly, feeling a little guilty as he genuinely hadn’t been intending to make the other feel bad; he was teasing and mocking Sae, yes… but he hadn’t done it with malice intent. “Y’know, it’s not like everything about you was totally unbearable and awful.” He continued, willing himself to press forward seeing as this little unexpected, awkward falter could be considered as Rin’s first ever opportunity to make good on his decision from last night; he would—try to—act mature and talk things like this out rather than blowing up or simply ignoring the root of the problem. “I’m- it’s not like you have to completely trash and disregard every aspect of who you used to be… it’s just- y’know, the shit parts.” Rin tried his best to explain, internally cringing as he stuttered and tripped over a few words; shit, he was not good at being encouraging while not adding a side of insults and mockery—which he still kind of had—but, to be fair, he was trying his best right now! That’s what he had declared last night, so, as long as he gave it his best effort, he considered it to be a win.

“… I wasn’t happy, anyways.” Sae hummed, his admittance both confusing and catching Rin off guard. “I never really liked who I was, so I don’t mind if I’m able to change most of everything.” Okay- huh… that was new information? He had believed that the extent of Sae’s insecurity and self-loathing extended past the things he’d done to Rin in particular… so, learning that he apparently wasn’t satisfied or happy with himself even outside of that was certainly something Rin had not been expecting to learn; Sae had always seemed so confident and unbothered… why would he not be happy with how he or things had turned out—speaking with Rin being the exception, of course?

Just last night he’d decided to make the conscious effort to learn, communicate and ‘work things out’ with Sae… and, as it appeared to be turning out, this process might be a lot more complicated and complex of a situation that he’d first assumed—and he had already agreed to this course of action prepared for something extremely slow-paced and confusing… so, that was saying a lot—though, not that he was suddenly deterred or worried by this notion… It was just a little eye-opening to once again be reminded of Sae's own struggles and complexities as an individual.

Rin felt that, seeing as it would be happening sooner or later regardless, he would like to sit down and learn more about Sae.

Chapter Text

When Dr.Sato visited for Rin’s third ever therapy session, Sae was surprised to find himself… not terrified and stressed out of his mind? Don’t get him wrong, Rin was still far from ‘fine’—though, he had been making commendable amounts of progress during these last few days alone; he’d started incorporating yoga, working out, and texting Isagi into his daily routine, so it was safe to say he was indeed progressing and starting to lift in overall spirits—and Sae would never be able to shake that instinctive, protective ‘big-brother anxiety’ that he felt whenever Dr.Sato had to visit… but Sae could easily identify the fact that he was far from the stressed-out, borderline-manic mess than he’d been the first two times his little brother had received therapy; perhaps it was the knowledge that Rin was now actually cooperating with the man working to improve his mental health, or maybe it was simply the fact that Sae felt more at peace with himself, his brother, and the situation then ever?

Rin hadn’t been exaggerating or making false-claims when he’d told Sae that he would start trying to act more mature in regards to them and their relationship; he still acted like a teasing, snarky little brat, but he had definitely matured and grown more patient in the parts of their interactions that really counted—hell, Rin had been going out of his way to cook for him these past few days and was even making a noticeable attempt at occasionally encouraging Sae whenever he got a little too self-deprecating; there was no doubt that the declaration he’d made was being honored. “Mm.” Sae hummed contentedly, letting his eyes flutter shut as he comfortably leaned back against the couch and amused himself by recalling back to all of the times he’d managed to make Rin laugh and smile these past few days; it was becoming a much more common occurrence since the first time it had happened that night… so, take that, Isagi!—what? Childish and idiotic or not, Sae would never not be able to feel a sense of triumph stuff like this; he was immature in that sense.

He’d been on the verge of dozing off into a still, pleasant nap when the sound of someone descending the stairs reached his ears, causing him to perk up immediately with confusion and mild worry; it was Dr.Sato… but, why was he returning so soon? There should still be roughly 30 minutes left in their session? Had something gone- “ah- please relax, Sae.” The man raised his hands in a placating gesture when Sae practically stumbled over his own two feet to reach him; was it that obvious that he was anxious—hah, so much for that ‘I’m a calmer person’ thing he’d just been lamenting about; the ‘curse’ of being a worried older sibling, he supposed. “Nothing's wrong.” He rushed to assure, smirking a little when Sae gave him a disbelieving, skeptical glare in response. “I simply came down to see if you would be willing to accompany us during our session… me and Rin have been talking a little bit about you, and he’s expressed a desire to learn and communicate more about who you are as a person and where the two of you stand.” Dr.Sato explained, looking mildly amused when Sae simply gaped at him for a few long, awkward moments before the implications of his words finally managed to register with his mind; this was- Rin was already making an effort to reach out and communicate with him—albeit, most likely not to the extent required for them to fully work things out if the doctor’s choice of verbiage was any indicator, but still!?

“I’m- he’s okay with me being there while you do the session?” He almost couldn't believe how quickly Rin had made an attempt to reach out; hopefully, even if in only a small increment, this would be Sae’s first ever opportunity to confront the extent of the baggage that still continued to burden the both of them. “I’m- yes, of course.” He agreed eagerly the second the doctor’s nod registered with him, taking the initiative to rush past the man and hurry towards his waiting little brother. “Rin?” He called out, pausing for a few moments to lament on how adorable Rin looked bundled up in his blanket while sitting at the edge of his bed in waiting. “Hey.” Sae greeted boldly, not hesitating for even a split second when he was gestured to take a seat beside the other. “You… wanted to talk?” He hummed out quietly, extremely careful to not come off as overtly excited or expectant; the last thing he wanted to do was make Rin uncomfortable.

“… yeah, I do.” He hummed back with a shrug, his bottom lip jutting out in a way dangerously similar to a pout—he’d better be careful; Sae might have a cute-aggression attack if he was forced to endure any more displays of adorableness. “I’m- I just… I don't know what I want to talk about right now, but I do know that I want to talk about something.” He explained and, all at once, Sae understood his sentiments; Rin, despite now making an effort to, was still very confused and conflicted about how and when to go about confronting their past—justifiably—and it seemed like this gesture of reaching out was simply his attempt at winging it; that was fine… Sae felt that, at the very least and despite his lack of social-awareness, he would be competent enough to understand when and where to draw the line based on how the conversation was progressing—plus, they had a professional therapist there to keep things level-headed and peaceful.

“Alright.” Dr.Sato hummed, taking a moment to glance between the both of them sitting beside each other as he himself sat down opposite them both on a chair. “Rin, since you were the one to request this, is there anything in particular that you’d like to speak to your brother about?” He asked patiently, giving Rin an encouraging smile when he seemed to shift with mild discomfort before side-ways glancing at Sae; he was nervous… How adorable.

“… I don’t know.” He shrugged, the tips of his ears burning red as he quickly averted his gaze shyly. “I’m- I just want to talk… not about anything in particular, though.” He hummed in explanation, prompting both Sae and the doctor to smile with something like amused exasperation; his little brother could be so spacey sometimes—it was incredibly endearing.

“Hm… well, alright then.” Dr.Sato nodded with a patient, even expression before turning towards Sae to give him an equally patient, but slightly pointed look. “Sae, since Rin isn’t sure what he’d like to talk about, is there anything that you would prefer to speak about? Anything at all?” He pressed, something like a silent plea weighing down his voice; ‘please give us something to work with’ is what it sounded like.

Suddenly being put on the spot, Sae froze, chewing his bottom lip nervously as he weighed his options carefully; technically, seeing as he was being given the opportunity to initiate anything he so chose, he could just decide to tackle the darkest, most-pressing issues that still weighed heavy between the two of them—Sae abandoning Rin; he felt that was their most glaring problem—but, he also had the sense and sympathy to not spring that on his confused, shy little brother completely out of the blue; catching him off guard and making him uncomfortable was most-likely not the the best course of action. “Did I ever tell you about that time that I accidentally ate a piece of soap thinking it was candy?” It was something of a leading question; of course he hadn’t ever told Rin about seeing as- y’know, they’d barely spoken for years—entirely Sae’s fault—but he was hoping that it sounded interesting and funny enough to pique his little brother’s interest and shake him out of his shyness—a bit of a shame if it worked; he was cute when he was shy and flustered.

“… huh?” Okay- if the blank, uncomprehending looks both Rin and Dr.Sato gave him was anything of an indicator, it seemed that his strong, interest-catching opener was something of a success; too bad that it came at the cost of actually having to share the story and forsake his pride and dignity in the process… but, if it helped Rin open up to him more, he would do so in a heartbeat.

“Yeah- uh- heh… when I first moved to Spain, I didn’t really know the language very well for the first year or two… so, one day I went to this convince store and I saw a package that had strawberries and like- bright colors on the packaging so I bought it, went back to my apartment, took a bite of it and…” he trailed off, shrugging and grinning awkwardly.

“And it was soap? What- you couldn’t tell because you couldn’t read the packaging yet?” Rin finished, raising an eyebrow and scrunching his nose up in disgust; whether that be disgust at the idea of accidently consuming soap or simply just Sae’s stupidity, he wasn’t quite sure.

“Yeah.” Sae grumbled, averting his eyes and fidgeting with his hands when a mild, slightly-awkward embarrassment crept through him. “I actually took a chunk off and chewed it for a few seconds before it registered with me that it was soap and I spit it back out.” He sighed defeatedly, smiling and shrugging again when he caught sight of Dr.Sato’s ‘polite’ smile—in quotes because said polite smile seemed strained with something like genuine amusement; he was trying and failing to remain professional.

“Hm, well I suppose that’s a start-“ he began, his voice carefully crafted to display the utmost professionalism… But, it seemed that even he couldn’t remain his unbothered, polite facade when, beside him, Rin let out a snort before devolving into a fit of uneven, graceless giggles and huffs. “Ah?” He breathed out, his eyes going wide with shock and disbelief as this was undoubtedly his first time ever seeing Rin without his typical joyless, venomous scowl—fair; Sae had only had the privilege of seeing it a handful of times over the course of the past few days, and it still caught him off guard to see his little brother looking so… light and unbothered, when he laughed.

“You dumbass-“ Rin practically cackled, bringing a hand up to clutch at his stomach while the other moved to wipe the laughter-induced tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. “Wha- how the fuck? Even before I could read English, I never did something like that.” He huffed teasingly, a devilish, yet lighthearted smirk tugging at his lips when Sae pursed his lips and gave him a look.

“Tch- that’s different. It’s not like you had to pack up and move to an English-speaking country while learning… I had to deal with the forced immersion of living in Spain.” Sae countered, not actually feeling defensive so much as making an effort to banter and keep the conversation alive… but, being the therapist that he was, Dr.Sato’s expression flickered with something the second the words had left Sae’s mouth.

“Ah- perhaps that’s a good place to start, then?” He interrupted before Rin had the opportunity to retort, smiling a little and patiently clarifying when he received two blank, uncomprehending looks. “You said that you would like to talk and get to know a little more about Sae, right, Rin?” He pressed, humming when he received a nod. “And, from what I’ve gathered and have been told, you don’t know very much about what his life was and is currently like living in Spain, yes?” His question was a little more pointed this time, and it was enough of a hint for them to both understand what he was attempting to get at. “So… If you feel comfortable with it, why don’t you tell Rin more stories about your experience of moving and living in another country?” He suggested, looking quite satisfied with himself for having found a focused direction to drive their conversation in.

“Oh- uhm…” Sae breathed out nervously, willing the initial urge to misdirect and defend himself from going into greater depth about his time in Spain away… but, he knew that was an irrational mindset; a huge aspect of his and Rin’s baggage was sourced from the crushing, humiliating ego-death he’d suffered in Spain, so avoiding and getting defensive about it was counterproductive to everything Sae had been working towards this entire time; for the sake of the growth of their relationship and Rin’s closure, he would have to get used to and endure laying himself utterly vulnerable in this sort of aspect. “Sure- I mean, if you’re fine with that, Rin…?” He asked hesitantly, smiling awkwardly when his little brother gave him a mildly-confused look; he most likely didn’t understand Sae’s hesitancy seeing as he was completely oblivious as to the extent of what had happened in Spain.

“Uh- sure?” Rin hummed with a shrug, looking unbothered and unphased by the idea- and, yeah, he definitely didn’t have the slightest clue about the extent of Sae’s experiences—not that it was his fault—or what transitioning into this topic might lead to; god, if this was really about to happen, then their confrontation might be taking place a lot sooner that what Sae had initially predicted—not that this was a bad thing; logically, the more time they had to process and work through everything, the better… it’s just that it had only been a few days since Rin had actually agreed to make an effort towards something like this, and Sae would be lying if he said he wasn’t feeling nervous and ill-prepared despite having been planning and anticipating what this situation might potentially lead to for over a month.

“Alright, Sae… whenever you feel ready, just speak about what you feel like.” Dr.Sato signaled, his presence—while somewhat comforting—weighing heavily on Sae as it meant that he would have a second audience member around to possibly be a spectator to the recalling of his shameful, humiliating past.

Taking a deep breath and steeling himself for what might potentially be the most uncomfortable conversation of his life, Sae took a moment to glance at Rin, his heart and chest blooming with warmth at the sight of his little brother’s innocent, curious face.

This was for him… so, without a doubt, it was worth it.

Chapter Text

Rin hadn’t really been anticipating this sort of thing when Dr.Sato managed to coax him into inviting Sae up during their session so that the two of them could make progress towards communicating and getting to know each other better, but he found that it wasn’t a bad turn of events; it was pleasant and at times even a little bit amusing to hear the trivial, yet entertaining things Sae spoke about and, despite the conversation evoking a certain level of bitterness and pain as it was reminder of the fact that Sae hadn’t responded to any of his attempts at reaching out when these events had actually been taking place, Rin was somewhat-excited to hear about a kind of life the other led—besides, now that they were on the same page about communication and such, perhaps Rin could simply ask him about why he'd never answered any letters, text, or calls? It was a painful, intimidating thing to think about, but at least he would have the opportunity to finally receive answers. “Hey.” He called out before his anxiety could get the better of him, fidgeting a little when Sae stopped halfway through his sentence and two pairs of eyes landed on him; they weren’t impatient or annoyed, but their mere presence was a little bit overwhelming. “… when you- why didn’t you ever tell me about this sort of stuff when you first moved to Spain? Why did you never write back or call me?” He asked quietly, not bothering to beat around the bush; that was never his style… even if he did feel confused, nervous, and even a little bit afraid of Sae’s answer—since that night he’d declared that he would attempt to make progress in regards to their relationship, this was the first time Rin had initiated a more serious, depthful conversation that would actually lead to them tackling one of the many aspects of why he felt so hurt and betrayed by what Sae had done.

As soon as the words rang clear throughout the room, Sae visibly stiffened, his eyes locking into the trashcan in the corner of the room with an unnatural amount of focus; he was afraid to meet Rin’s gaze. “Ah…” he breathed out, chewing his bottom lip and fidgeting for a few moments before sighing and shaking his head in defeat; it looked like he really didn’t want to speak about it. “Uhm- I’m… look, Rin- it’s because-“ he stuttered out nervously, his shoulders growing tenser by the moment, something that was not lost on either of the two people there to witness the scene unfold. “It’s- I mean… it’s a few different reasons- but…” he trailed off before managing to actually clarify anything, causing Rin to shoot Dr.Sato a mildly-worried glance.

“Sae.” Dr.Sato called out, smiling patiently and careful to keep expression perfectly neutral when Sae startled and met his gaze with wary, troubled eyes. “The main goal of therapy is to help Rin work through his emotions, but I’d like to remind you that you do have the right to privacy and boundaries if you feel uncomfortable with certain questions.” He explained gently, taking a few moments to search Rin’s gaze before gesturing to guide Sae’s attention towards him. “… I'm sure Rin wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable?” He pointed out, his expression strained with something hesitant and apologetic when he once again met Rin’s eyes; he most likely felt bad seeing as, being a therapist, he usually wasn’t meant to forcibly ‘lead’ opinions and responses in the way he was attempting to right now… but, understanding his sentiments and reasons, Rin didn’t fault or fight him.

“… yeah, I’m- it’s fine, Sae. You don’t have to answer if you can’t.” He sighed, trying and failing to prevent the disappointment and frustration from weighing heavy in his voice; this question in particular was something he really wanted answered… so- yeah, it was a little upsetting that his first ever attempt at being progressive was shut down by the person who’d been pushing him to act in such a way in the first place.

Rather than answer, Sae remained silent, his eyes downcast and hidden from view; he didn’t even bother to glance up or bid Dr.Sato goodbye when the man announced shortly after that their session was coming to an end. “Thank you, Dr.Sato.” Rin waved, escorting the man downstairs and out the front-door before pausing at the bottom of the stairs, debating whether or not he should go back upstairs to speak with Sae about what had just happened, or if simply leaving the other to his silence and alone-time would be the better course of action.

Honestly, despite things having drastically improved between them in the last few days alone and his increasingly-growing respect and understanding for Sae’s own struggles and hardships in regards to their situation, he was a tad bit peeved that his first ever question was essentially dodged. “Tch.” He clicked his tongue, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation and deciding that he would simply leave Sae alone; if he wanted to be stubborn and refused to meet Rin in the middle, then he could figure out whatever was bothering him on his- “no.” Rin blurted out, freezing right before taking his first step in the direction of the living room.

This felt wrong… this felt like a mistake; wasn’t the point of deciding to make an effort towards their relationship with Sae reliant on Rin not choosing to ignore him during times like these? Surely Sae had his reasons for being distant and hesitant about this sort of question, so wouldn’t it be hypocritical and contradictory of Rin to leave him alone to suffer through uncertainty—and most-likely guilt; Sae was very prone to guilt as he was coming to learn—without at least trying to make an effort at finding some sort of middle-ground with him in regards to this? It’s not like anyone ever said progress would be easy—not that he’d ever really expected it to be from the beginning—so choosing to ignore and dance around the very first hurdle presented to him was most-likely not the right way to be going about this. “Damnit.” Rin groaned, rubbing his temples gingerly in an attempt to soothe the oncoming headache. “That annoying, contradictory bastard…” he sighed with exasperation, willing the tumulus waves and clouds of frustration to dissipate; Sae was an annoying bastard who couldn’t seem to make up his mind… but he was also the caring, loving, and remorseful annoying bastard that Rin wanted to keep in his life, so he would have to make the effort where it counted.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Rin ascended the stairs, quietly knocking on the doorframe before entering his bedroom where Sae remained hunched over in the same position he’d been before they’d left, his expression morphing into one of guilt as soon as their eyes met. “Sorry for- y’know…” he apologized almost immediately before trailing off, his hesitant, nervous gaze flickering a few times before hardening into something more confident and determined that caught Rin off guard. “I’m sorry for not answering your question earlier. Now that you’ve made the decision to work with me through fixing and improving our relationship, I shouldn’t be hesitating and dodging any questions you might have.” He sighed, shaking his head with momentary defeat before once again meeting Rin’s gaze, his turquoise eyes blazing with fiery, unfaltering determination. “I’ll tell you, if you still want me to. I’ll answer your question and any questions you might have after that… I won’t mess up like I did just now again.” He declared, his sudden passion and invigoration startling Rin to the point of being frozen for a few moments while his mind struggled to keep up and process everything he’d just heard in the short minute or confrontation.

Sae was willing to answer his question now? Rin might’ve felt a little bit skeptical of his sudden determination if it weren’t for the unfaltering, deadly-serious steel in his sharp, pointed gaze—shit, good thing he’d caught himself before making the mistake of falling back into old habits by simply ignoring the problem; who knows how long it would’ve taken them to have this little confrontation if he hadn’t. “You’ll answer my question and any questions I have about you, us, or what happened?” Rin repeated, his eyebrows pinching when Sae nodded. “Okay- well, before you answer the question I asked earlier, I want to know why you seem so terrified and anxious about answering.” He presented brashly, not seeing any purpose to sweeten or fluff up his words right now; they were reaching a point in their relationship where Rin needed answers as to why he’d been treated so cruelly… so- yeah, seeing as he was still angry and hurt, he wasn’t going to act gentle and coddling when asking; Sae wanted to prove himself worthy of forgiveness, so this was his opportunity to do just that.

Taking a deep, long breath before exhaling, Sae seemed to be mentally-hyping himself up before answering. “I was nervous and afraid of answering because I was anxious that speaking about that topic would eventually lead into- y’know… speaking about and confronting everything that’s happened between us.” He sighed quietly but, despite looking incredibly uncomfortable, he didn’t once drop Rin’s gaze. “Which- yeah, that’s ultimately a good thing and something I want and am willing to do whenever you feel ready… It's just that being called upstairs by Dr.Sato and asked such a straight-to-the-point question out of the blue startled me enough to make me freeze up… so, I’m sorry, Rin. I didn't mean to leave you hanging like that, and I feel frustrated that I wasn’t able to keep my cool when it counted.” Well- damn; if that wasn’t the honest, vulnerable answer that Rin had been looking for, then he wasn’t quite sure what was.

After taking a few moments to process the answer, Rin even eventually nodded, humming and moving forward to take a seat beside the other in the bed; Sae was serious about this, as it seemed… so it wouldn’t hurt to at least attempt at making things a little bit easier for him by moving to eye-level. “Okay… I guess that makes sense.” Rin exhaled quietly, the previous anger and resentment he felt towards Sae for dodging his question receding and quickly being replaced by sympathy and endearment. “So then, why did you do it? Why did you ignore me and never text, call, or write back when you were in Spain?” He asked, mirroring his question from earlier and pushing past the familiar betrayal and hurt that seized and gripped at his heart with the reminder.

“I’m- okay, where should I start…” Sae sighed quietly, trailing off for a few moments before shaking his head, noticeably digging his nails into his palms, and seemingly shaking himself out of his stupor. “The reason I didn’t respond back for the first month or so was because I was so overwhelmed, nervous, and caught up in the novelty, excitement, and fear that came with moving to Spain that I either forgot or procrastinated responding to you. I kept telling myself that I would answer the next day, or the next… but I never did.” He explained, his voice heavy with dread, guilt, and remorse so raw that it almost managed to distract Rin from the pain of his answer—the key word being ‘almost’.

Gritting his teeth and willing himself to remain calm, Rin battled against the worsening squeeze of hurt and betrayal that gnawed at him; so Sae had been too preoccupied and distracted to care about him? To care about how his little brother felt about being all alone? Well- honestly, it was a fair response and reasoning that Rin would’ve felt sympathetic towards had Sae not continued to ignore and disregard him for the four years following that first month of adjusting; that was the reason he felt so hurt by the explanation. “Tch- okay, I get it… but then what’s your excuse for the next four years, huh? I can understand not finding the time or being too overwhelmed to make time to respond to me for the first month or two, but what could have possibly been your reasoning for everything after that?” He couldn’t even be bothered to suppress the agitation and accusation weighing heavy in his voice; he was angry and they both knew it, so was there any reason in acting like he wasn’t? The whole point of what they were doing was to make progress, and Rin doubted something like that could ever be achieved without confronting and expressing the emotions he harbored towards Sae’s actions head on.

With this, Sae’s confidence and determination seemed to falter for a split-second before he quickly reeled his expression back in before answering without hesitation. “I don’t have an ‘excuse’ for the rest of those four years… I take full responsibility and accountability for the fact that I was just shitty for never calling back… but- to answer your question more directly, it’s because I felt ashamed, humiliated, and afraid to respond back to you.” Okay- Rin hadn’t been expecting that second half? What the hell did he mean he was too afraid and humiliated to respond back? About what? Was he- did he mean that he felt ashamed about missing the first few months and therefore didn’t want to face having to explain himself for his initial absence because, if that truly was the case, Rin would be thoroughly pissed—even more so than he already was—with such a shitty, trivial reasoning such as that.

“You- Tch, what the hell were you ashamed about? Were you scared I’d be mad because you didn’t answer for the first few months? Because, if that’s actually your reasoning, then that’s pretty contradictory and hypocritical-“ Rin began, sparing zero mercy when expressing the extent of his disdain and frustration for that possibly being the answer… but, before he could even finish his rant, Sae interrupted him.

“No!” He gasped, holding up his hands in protest and holding Rin’s accusing glare without falter. “I’m- it’s not because of that, Rin…” he sighed quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose for a few moments before once again finding his train of thought. “The reason I was ashamed and afraid was because of something else entirely… it’s because I-“ his voice cracked and, with it, the majority of his bravado and confidence seemed to crack along with it, once again revealing the scared, hesitant person behind the mask… but, this time, rather than be upset or frustrated with his lack of clarification, Rin simply sighed, his heart squeezing with a sudden rush of sympathy, patience, and understanding when it dawned on him just how much effort Sae was genuinely trying to put in… and, in consequence, how much he must be suffering to fight against whatever reasoning he may have to want to remain quiet.

To be fair, Sae had answered his initial question in full—mostly—and, now having something to contemplate and process for the next few days, Rin felt satisfied enough enough with the answers presented that he would be comfortable with backing off for now—plus, Sae looked to be on the verge of panicking and Rin did not want that; a panicking, crying Sae was not a very uplifting, mood-brightening sight to behold. “Tch- stop, stop…” he sighed, holding up his hand to prevent Sae from straining himself when he seemed to be on the verge of attempting to force another answer. “It’s okay, you technically answered my first question pretty well… don’t force yourself.” He attempt to assure with every ounce of gentleness and sympathy that he could muster; besides, he didn’t want to rush into things too quickly and risk one of them—or worse, both of them—having a mental-breakdown in the midst of it… but, it seemed that in his guilt and frustration, Sae didn’t share that sentiment; at least, in regards to himself.

“No- I’m… I’m fine, Rin. I can answer you, I promise. If you want answers about this- about everything right now, I promise I can manage-“ Sae attempted to protest, looking uncertain and hesitant even while spewing such falsely-confident, desperate words.

“Sae, stop it.” Rin demanded before he even had the opportunity to finish, careful to keep his expression the perfect blend of stern and patient. “I’m sure that, if I asked, you would be able to answer my questions… but, I don’t want that right now, okay? You answered my first question, and I’m happy about that, so thank you. I don’t want to rush, and I don’t want to have this conversation in full unless we’re both completely prepared for it—or maybe we can just work through this whole process in baby steps—so, wipe that stupid look off your face.” He huffed shortly, hoping to add a sense of familiarity and comfort to the situation by acting bratty and short. “I can already tell that you’re feeling frustrated and guilty because you think that your hesitancy is what’s preventing me from asking more questions, and I’m telling you to stop that right now. You don’t have to feel bad because you already did a good job doing what I asked of you… so just- just don’t beat yourself up about being a little bit afraid and hesitant to answer me, please? I know I might come off as frustrated or impatient—which, sometimes, I am—but don’t take it to heart or think that I’ll hate you for it… it’s just- I know this is hard for both of us—not just me—so let’s take it slow and one step at a time, alright?” He finished with a long, drawn-out exhale, the tips of his ears burning with mild-embarrassment; god, had there ever been a time in Rin’s life where he’d spoken so earnestly or made such long, heartfelt speeches?—granted, they weren’t the most eloquent or well-planned, but still.

Chewing his bottom lip and shooting him a hesitant, uncertain look, it was obvious that Sae still wasn’t convinced… so, doing the only thing he could think of to put emphasis on his point, Rin moved to bring an arm up and nuzzle his face against the other’s shoulder in a sort of side-hug. “Stubborn bastard… I’m literally telling you to not feel bad or stress yourself out over this, so can’t you just listen to me?” He sighed and, if he aimed an almost-imperceptible pout paired with the sort-of puppy-dog eyes he used to give Sae when they were younger and he wanted something his way, then no one and nothing would ever be able to coax him into admitting that it was intentional. “Please?” He pleaded, internally smirking in triumph when Sae seemed to melt under the weight of his—not intentional—child-like poutiness.

“… I’m- okay.” Sae nodded dumbly, barely hesitating for a second longer before succumbing to the urge to rest his head against Rin’s while returning the side-hug. “Okay… yeah- take it slow, that’s what I wanted in the first place too.” He agreed, startling a little when Rin snorted and chuckled.

“It is? Because you seemed really desperate and determined to rush through and get it all out of the way just a few minutes ago.” Rin pointed out, smirking devilishly when he felt Sae grumbled against him.

“It was- is.” He clicked his tongue, lightly jabbing at the side of Rin’s far arm with his finger as a means of retaliation. “I’m- I just got carried away trying to- y’know, like you said, not screw it up by being unprepared and unwilling to answer you when the time comes.” He admitted and Rin had to applaud his ability to not only recognize but admit his own shortcomings in such a short amount of time.

“Well… don’t stress out about it, okay? I wanna take this slow so we have time to process everything in pieces… and I won’t spring a question like that on you without at least a little bit of warning beforehand again.” Rin promised quietly, enjoying the comfortable, pleasant silence that enveloped them as they essentially cuddled each other for a few minutes even after finishing up their conversation.

This was good; Rin now had a little bit to contemplate, work through, and process on his own time… but he felt that something like this was about as well as their first ever attempt at progress could go? Nobody cried—though, Sae looked like he’d been on the verge of it a few times today—they didn’t end in a screaming-match, and no feelings were hurt beyond those dredged up from the recollection of the past… so- yeah, maybe doing things like this wasn’t a bad approach?

No grandiose ultimatum that would determine their fate… just slow, easy, and earnest baby-steps towards a better tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Things had turned out… surprisingly okay? Well- to be fair, Sae was still extremely frustrated with himself for his apparent habit of freezing up when confronted with certain questions, but that was more so a personal, internal issue rather than an external one seeing as Rin didn’t seem to mind the fact that he most likely would have to take things slowly. “Tch.” Sae clicked his tongue quietly, yawning and stretching backwards against the couch while subconsciously jutting out his bottom lip; he wished that his mind-to-mouth wire would cooperate with him but, seeing as he’d managed to answer his little brother’s question to an acceptable extent, he decided he wouldn’t be too harsh oh himself—plus, Rin had practically pleaded that he not allow himself to be confused by guilt; what kind of big brother would he be if he couldn’t fulfill such an earnest, adorable request from his little brother?

He was extremely grateful that their first ever attempt at confronting the past hadn’t ended in flames- and, actually, if anything, it seemed that breaking the ice had actually done to improve their relationship even more; Rin had been noticeably distant the few hours following their confrontation—much to Sae’s initial panic—but, after a little while, he seemed to return back to normal, talking, smiling—he couldn’t even begin to express his excitement that this his little brother smiling at and because of him had become normal—and mocking Sae as if he wasn’t bothered by what he’d learned in the slightest—was this a sign that Rin had forgiven him for that specific aspect of their past? He wasn’t sure but, honestly, even if Rin was still internally pissed or hurt by what he’d done, he was grateful that said hurt and resentment didn’t translate to any progress they’d made being suddenly voided and him once again being ignored; this was a sign that progress and healing between them was indeed achievable, even if in small, slow increments like Rin had suggested. “Hey, are you almost done?” Sae called out, smiling apologetically and shrugging a little when Rin opened his eyes, whipped his head around, and glared pointedly from his spot on the yoga-mat he’d been stretching on for the past hour.

“Tch- why?” He snapped impatiently, his sharp, scalding eyes practically burning a hole into Sae’s head… but, seeing as it was dry, superficial anger that paled in comparison to the genuine, more deep-rooted rage that Sae had been privy to in the past, he didn’t really pay it any mind; if anything, he found it amusing and adorable rather than intimidating or threatening.

Feeling a little bit devilish, Sae shrugged and hummed languidly, feigning nonchalance simply to see the frustrated, impatient way Rin grit his teeth and scowled—okay, to be fair, he made it way too easy to mess with him; those pouty, childish reactions were too adorable to resist drawing out. “Alright, alright- sorry!” Sae shrieked, gasping and scrambling to defend himself from the foam yoga-block lobbed at his head—sheesh! “I just wanted to ask if you wanted to head out and- I don’t know, Uber around or something? Is there anywhere you wanna go?” He rushed to explain when he realized a second yoga-block was currently being aimed directly at his face; he was just trying to be thoughtful and this was the thanks he received? How rude… and endearing; almost everything Rin did always managed to find a way to be endearing.

Seeing as the second yoga-block previously aimed at him did not come flying towards his poor face, Sae felt triumphant to realize that his offer had obviously piqued Rin’s interest. “Like where?” He asked quietly, tilting his head to the side and blinking; he did not have the right to look so innocent and curious literally seconds after glaring so fiercely. “The mall again?” He hummed evenly, not even waiting for an answer before moving to roll up his yoga mat and retrieve the block he’d thrown—someone was eager to get out of the house, it seemed; good, willingness to participate in events outside of one’s house was usually a positive indicator in those dealing mental-health issues.

“We can if you want… but- I don’t know, I didn’t have anywhere in mind. I just want to make sure you’re not going stir-crazy being cooped up in the house for too many days at a time.” Sae explained with a shrug, grinning broadly when Rin gave him a shy, pouty-looking expression in response; that translated into a resounding: ‘yes, I’d like that’ in spoiled, bratty little brother lingo—good thing Sae was on his way to relearning and becoming fluent. “Hm.” he hummed, pursing his lip and pretending not to understand the source of Rin’s silence. “I’ll take that silence as a ‘no’, then…?” He began, barely managing to suppress a graceless snort when Rin’s expression pinched with indignation and panic—the superficial, not-genuinely pained kind; Sae would never laugh if his little brother was actually hurt or distressed.

“I’m- dumbass, I do want to go!” Rin rushed to explain himself, pausing and narrowing his eyes when Sae accidentally let a small, but telling hitch of breath escape his mouth—uh-oh; he knew. “You- are you laughing at me you damn annoying bastard!?” Rin shrieked loudly and, his high, indignant voice paired with the way his usually-pale face erupted into something resembling that of a beetroot was what finally caused Sae to break cover and laugh openly. “Stupid… y’know what? Nevermind, I don’t want to go to the damn mall with an annoying little shit like you.” Rin huffed, turning on his heel and stomping off towards the direction of the stairs; he was so dramatic sometimes—it was adorable—but, after a month of having grown reaccustomed to his little brother’s demeanor and body language, Sae was well aware that said dramaticness could very well devolve into stubborn, unwillingness if not handled properly and immediately; he didn’t want to deter Rin from leaving the house due to something as stupid and trivial as this.

“Ah- hold on!” Sae gasped, unable to stop himself from giggling and smirking even after catching up to Rin. “Aw… I’m sorry.” He apologized, his amusement only growing when Rin’s already-annoyed expression darkened in the face of his very insincere, teasing apology—man, had Sae eaten something funny today? He usually wasn’t this much of a tease… but, at the same time, he couldn’t really help it. “C’mon, you want to go to the mall again, don’t you?” He hummed, carefully reigning his voice into something more earnest and steady. “You wouldn’t let a shitty, annoying bastard like me get in the way of what you want, right?” Yeah, he’d definitely eaten something funny; even when giving it his best effort, Sae just could not fight against the urge to tease and annoy his little brother mercilessly.

With a dark and utterly unamused expression, Rin looked to be on the verge of once again turning on his heel to ascend the stairs and brood alone in silence… but, like the—hopefully—good and caring big brother that he was, Sae took the opportunity to lunge into Rin’s blindspot and trap him in a hug before he could escape. “Gh- what the hell!? Sae!” Rin screeched angrily, making a decently-earnest attempt at wriggling away and escaping from the sneak-attack. “Bastard! What the- why are you being extra annoying today!” He huffed in accusation, apparently also sensing the gremlin-like mood that had possessed Sae… but, seeing as he eventually stilled and gave up his attempts at escaping, he must not have hated it that much… or he was simply too exhausted to fight against it any longer; either one would be fine.

Not even making a half-hearted attempt at suppressing the wide, amused grin that stretched across his lips, Sae nuzzled his nose against Rin’s shoulder while bringing his free hand—the one he wasn’t using to trap his little brother in place—to ruffle his hair affectionately. “You’re my little brother and I just love you so much that I can’t help but be annoying.” Sae sighed with mock-defeat, feigning a distressed, agonized pout as if this issue were genuinely troubling to him; look- Rin said he could say and do whatever he wanted… so, not wanting to waste said hard-earned privileges, he would have to occasionally use them. “I looove you.” He repeated obnoxiously, mildly startled by his own behavior; was this perhaps his mind's way of subconsciously celebrating the many victories and achievements he had made with Rin during these past few days? Perhaps… and, even if not, he didn’t really care; this was fucking hilarious for a multitude of different reasons.

Rin, in turn, looked equally as baffled and confused by Sae’s inexplicably charged behavior. “I- you…” he stuttered, his eyebrows knitting and scrunching up in a way that Sae had been moments away from laughing at before something more serious flickered through his little brother’s expression; was it realization? He couldn’t quite place it seeing as it had been unexpected and fleeting, but Rin had definitely drawn some sort of… conclusion per say just now—wow, the possibly worrisome implications of that notion aside, Sae was getting really proficient at reading and understanding Rin as of lately; even more of a reason to be celebratory! “Tch- whatever… just let go of me so I can get ready to go to the mall.” Rin demanded with exasperation, roughly jabbing at Sae’s abdomen with his nail in a way that he had to comply with.

Feigning another pout, he back off, silently mourning the contact of the hug… but, oh well; he’d managed to convince Rin to join him on and outing to the mall and, now that he could get away with pulling little stunts like this, Sae would definitely be making it a point to hug and embarrass his little brother more often. “Alright, I’ll call an Uber for us.” He announced, another bright, earnest laugh escaping his throat when Rin flipped him off on his way up the stairs; yikes, if it weren’t for the way Rin’s ears burned an almost-comical shade of red, Sae would’ve said he was actually angry.

After tidying up his hair and calling their ride, Sae was satisfied to find that Rin looked more put-together and fresh than he had the other two times he’d prepared himself for an outing; he wore his new hoodie, fiddled with his new wallet and phone, and it was obvious that he’d actually put a decent amount of effort into combing and styling his hair into his signature part—day by day, he was looking healthier and more lively than ever. “What?” Rin huffed heatedly, his glare flaring with a challenge and fire that Sae, feeling as giddy and light-hearted as he did, opted to return with a bright, unbothered grin that seemed to disgruntled the other even more. “… whatever, bastard. Let’s just go.” he grumbled, roughly swatting Sae’s hand away when he teasingly reached up towards Rin’s head again; he wasn’t actually going to ruin his little brother’s hair after he’d put so much effort into it… probably.

Y’know- Sae wasn’t sure if Rin would ever truly be able forgive him for the things that they would have to confront before the month was over… but, honestly, despite how much he desperately wanted and craved the finalization and assurance that came with true forgiveness, Sae felt that he would be able to manage living even if he never did receive it…

Because, in a sort of way, he’d already accomplished what he’d been working so hard towards; slowly but surely, he could apologize and offer closure to Rin—and himself—for the things he’d done… and, as long as further confrontation in regards to that didn’t end up driving another wedge between them—PLEASE LET THAT NEVER HAPPEN—then he felt that they would be okay.

As long as he had Rin willingly by his side like this, Sae would be happy.

Chapter Text

Sae was an annoying, dumbass little fucking gremlin who was apprently dead-set on refusing to allow Rin a single moments worth of peace; almost every other second he was being annoying, making some lame, ridiculous joke, or attempting to reach out and mess up the hair he had worked to meticulously to style before leaving… and, honestly, that just made the current predicament and situation Rin found himself in even more confusing.

He wasn’t sure why or how but, for whatever inexplicable reason, Sae being so clingy and idiotic had managed to bring Rin to a realization; despite the fact that Sae quite commonly referred to him as ‘little brother’ quite often—as he just had before they’d left for the mall—Rin realized that he had yet to return that sentiment both verbally and internally… and, honestly, now that the notion had rooted itself in his mind, he could not stop thinking about it. “Tch.” He clicked his tongue, hissing quietly when Sae paused his meal—they’d stopped for lunch at the food-court—to give him a stupid, obnoxiously bright smile and tilt of the head. “What? Stop looking at me like that, bastard.” Rin huffed shortly, hating the way his entire face burned with heat; he wasn’t actually angry about things like this anymore and that fact was always embarrassing to no end.

“Sorry.” Sae apologized easily and nonchalantly in a way that made it sound like he was not bothered in the slightest before returning to happily munching away at his chicken-sandwich—he really liked those apparently. “You were staring at me like you were about to kill me, so I figured my only chance of survival was to figure out what was wrong before it actually happened.” He mused quietly after a few beats of silence passed between them, his expression unbearably smug and languid even when Rin shot him to most agitated, fiery glare he could physically muster—it was stuff like this; seeing Sae act so… so brother-like and annoying must’ve been what finally made Rin self-aware of his current lack of acknowledgement towards the label.

For some reason, his mind had somewhat glazed over tackling this particular aspect of their relationship until today… and, now, he would have to work this out or else it would undoubtedly haunt him until he went mad; he’d come to terms with the fact that he wanted Sae in his life long-term again but, now, it was time to confront whether or not he was ready—or even willing—to re-acknowledge Sae has his big brother again. “Damnit…” he cursed quietly, mentally preparing himself to delve deep into the depths of his own heart and mind to contemplate this—in a food-court of all places—but, right as he was in the cusp of zoning out, he caught sight of Sae not-so-inconspicuously attempting to sneak a french-fry away from Rin’s bag; he had already finished his own, the damn greedy bastard! “Hey!” He shrieked a little-too-loudly for what was appropriate in public, gritting his teeth and scowling darkly when Sae completely ignored his warning and snatched the fry away anyways. “You fatass bastard… you already bought and ate an entire bag! Aren’t you supposed to be a professional athlete?” He drawled mockingly, once again caught off guard and frustrated with the way Sae simply regarded him for a few moments before smiling brightly and shrugging in that cheerful, yet infuriatingly-endearing way.

“Eating a few French-fries won’t kill me.” Sae waved off the accusation easily, having the audacity to bluntly reach and steal another one from Rin’s bag as if he couldn’t see the death-glare being aimed at him. “Besides, since you’re trying to get back into your habit of working out and eating well, me eating your French-fries is actually beneficial to you.” Sae explained, his expression one of utmost-seriousness as if he were taking the time to explain Newton’s first law of motion rather than the absolute bullshit he was pulling out of his ass right now. “So… what you should be saying is ‘thank you, Sae’.” He hummed with a satisfied nod, staring directly into Rin’s soul blankly as he made of point of pulling the fry-bag closer towards his side of the table… and Rin- well, he was just… baffled ; there were no words to describe the level of confusion that Sae’s newfound gremlin-like behavior had prompted him to achieve.

“‘Thank you’?” Rin repeated flatly, his expression pinched with confusion and disbelief… and, being the fucking little bastard that he was, Sae capitalized off said confusion and took the opportunity to be even more annoying—was that even possible at this point? He had to be pushing to the limits of some sort of cap by now.

“You’re welcome.” He replied without hesitation, his face perfectly straight and without a hint of joking… that was, until Rin’s dumbfoundedness apparently became too amusing to endure and he burst out laughing, his smug, triumphant expression rivaling that of a devilish little imp whose sole purpose in life—or, death? Weren’t imps demons?—was to agitate Rin mercilessly.

Rather than retaliate, Rin simply groaned wearily, running an exasperated hand over his face before roughly shoving his bag of fries over towards a very satisfied, pleased looking Sae; he wasn’t hungry enough to finish them and, if giving them up was what it took to receive even just a few precious moments of peace, who would do so in a heartbeat. “So fucking annoying…” he whispered under his breath, careful to keep it entirely inaudible to the gremlin sitting across from him; saying anything might provoke him into another spell of making awful, annoying jokes… but, the thing that Rin was currently caught up about was that, despite said jokes and teases being borderline-unbearable and stupid, he really, really enjoyed them despite how much his outward expression and reaction might contradict; he enjoyed and actually looked forward to his older brother acting so stupid and obnoxious-

…

wait… WHAT!? his… older brother!? Had Rin just said- or, thought that naturally!? He hadn’t- that title wasn’t used in the third-person, distant sort of way that he had used earlier to simply contemplate the situation… it had happened without any active thought; Rin had just—internally—referred to Sae as his big brother without even thinking.

Shit- why was he so freaked out and jittery about this? Hadn’t he just been making an effort towards actively deciding whether or not he wanted to re-acknowledge Sae as his brother again just a few minutes ago? Why did apparently having made that decision subconsciously startle him so much? Why did he make his face bloom with fiery heat and embarrassment? “Oh my god…” he grumbled, squeezing his eyes shut in humiliation as he buried his face into his hands; why was he even surprised about this turn of events? For a while now, Sae had been acting exactly as a good, loving big brother should and it wasn’t for the first time that Rin had compared current-Sae to that of the precious Ni-Chan from his fondest childhood-memories… so- yeah, something like this might’ve been inevitable and expected from the moment he’d agreed to keep Sae in his life long-term… but, still! This was so fucking embarrassing! He hadn’t even outwardly said it and yet he felt so flustered and humiliated for having caved so easily! How- oh, god… why did he have to come to this realization the day Sae was acting extra annoying and unbearable? It just made the whole situation even more frustrating and humiliating for him- and, despite the fact that Rin wasn’t under any pressure or obligation to announce this newfound perspective change to Sae himself immediately—or, ever, technically—a part of him wanted to; he wanted to tell his older brother—agh! There he went again thinking it so naturally!—that he was indeed acknowledged as ‘his older brother’ again… but, because Sae was being such a gremlin, Rin’s sense of pride did not want to do that right now—plus they were in a food-court, too; this was not the best of places to have a heart-to-heart conversation. “Oh my god, why…?” Rin murmured to himself with weary exasperation, rolling his eyes and doubling-down on his stubborn efforts when Sae shot him a curious, but still-smug look of questioning. “Tch- hurry up and finish my fries.” He demanded roughly, hating the way his heart swelled with fondness and endearment when his older brother—oh my god! Was this going to become a regular occurrence now!? He could not stop referring to Sae as his brother anymore!?—grinned and made a show of smugly stuffing his face full of the last of the French-fries before offering to take both of their trash to the bin; why did he have to be so considerate these days? It made it harder for Rin to stay annoyed with him!

“Alright- now that we’re done eating, what stores did you want to check out?” Sae hummed cheerfully, looking utterly aware of Rin’s inner turmoil—it wasn’t even turmoil seeing as he’d actually already come to a decision… he was just too stubborn to make things easy for himself. “Did you want to revisit the ones we checked out last night, go to new ones, or just walk around?” He asked patiently, his expression once again curling with something devilish—seriously, what the fuck? How was it even possible that he’d gone from normal to chaotic and gremlin-like overnight; had he really been possessed by some sort of demon?—before he brought a hand up to affectionately ruffle Rin’s hair—and with his disgusting, greasy, fry-touching hand, mind you!—but, at the very least, it was brief and didn’t actually mess up or dirty his hair very much; it seemed more like a gesture of affection more than anything else.

Sighing and deciding to let the gesture slide just this once seeing as he was already exasperated and weary from his internal-war, Rin grumbled something inaudible before marching off in the direction of- well, nowhere in particular—if he had answered Sae’s question he would have picked the third option—without a word… but, it seemed that his brother—seriously, how often would this be happening from now on?—wasn’t quite satisfied with that. “Aw- why are you walking away?” He called out, pouting and and feigning hurt when Rin glanced towards him… but, refusing to fall for the bait, he continued walking, effectively tuning out Sae’s whines all the way up until about five minutes passed and he had to veer right into a random store in hopes that the merchandise might distract his brother—whyyy?—enough to coax him into stopping his constant pestering; it hadn’t. “Ah- look at this, Rin!” He called out, waving a small, surprisingly-detailed Godzilla figurine in front of his face, the motion blur making it impossible to focus on until Rin snatched the figure out of his hand to inspect it closer after rolling his eyes. “You loved Godzilla so much as a kid… how about now? Do you still keep up with the movies? I heard a new one just came out like- a week ago?” He chattered mindlessly and, seeing as Sae had shifted gears from being purposefully-annoying to actually trying to make genuine conversation, Rin humored him, taking a few moments to genuinely contemplate the question before answering.

“… I guess I still kind of like it.” Rin hummed with a shrug, admiring the decently-awesome little figurine in his hand with mild-amusement. “I haven’t been keeping up with the movies, though…” he sighed quietly, willing the sudden desire to watch the latest-released film away… but, before he could put the figure down and move on with his life, Sae ushered him towards the cashier and paid for it—with his own money—before he even had the chance to process what was going on.

“Why don’t we go see the latest movie then?” Sae offered, grinning and gently taking the figurine from Rin’s hand to admire and fiddle with it for a little while before handing it back. “There’s a theater in the mall… and- yep, here it is.” He announced triumphantly, pointing his phone-screen towards Rin to show him that a movie had indeed been released and was screening in the theater he was talking about. “It’s still pretty early and we have nothing else to do… so why not? You seem disappointed to have fallen behind with the franchise.” He mused, the last part seemingly being more to himself than anything.

Pursing his lips and taking another few moments to inspect the Godzilla-figurine he was twirling between his fingers, Rin decided that Sae was right; what reason did he have to not see the movie? Nobody was stopping him and he wanted to do it- so, yeah, he would. “… I guess that would be fun.” He mumbled begrudgingly, still refusing to outgrow the stubborn, bratty demeanor that he instinctively deployed whenever agreeing to something that Sae suggested to him.

Looking way-too smug with himself, Sae flashed him a bright, triumphant smile before grabbing Rin by the hand and leading him towards the direction of the theater, much to his flustered protest. “Hey- bastard, I can walk on my own! I don’t need you to…“ he tried, trailing off midway when he realized that Sae did not seem to care in the slightest; as stubborn as he was, he sometimes had to admit defeat… especially seeing as he was very excited to see the movie and did not remember which direction the theater was in; despite never having left their childhood home, Rin hadn’t been to this mall in years.

With a eagerness that Rin found to be incredibly embarrassing and cringy—especially with the context of knowing how his older brother was before the personality-reboot—Sae very-enthusiastically purchased them both tickets for the nearest screening, a bucket of popcorn, and a drink before insistently coaxing Rin towards the direction of their showing—seriously, first he was annoying and now overly-excited? Annoying little shit! “Tch- alright, alright! I can walk by myself!” Rin hissed quietly, deciding to revisit his unfinished complaint and protest from earlier when Sae once again made an attempt to grab for his hand; the dumbass was already holding the popcorn-bucket and drink in a loose, unstable hold with his other arm and Rin did not want to suffer the embarrassment of being the little brother of the person who made a huge mess all over the carpeted-flooring.

Even after they’d settled down into their seats, Sae’s enthusiasm and chattiness did not falter… which was technically fine seeing as he was whispering and they were still in the pre-movie ads phase of the screening, but it was still a little embarrassing—and endearing; Rin was annoyed that Sae’s childlike enthusiasm and willingness to chat with himself was incredibly endearing and amusing. “Oh, it’s starting.” Sae hummed quietly when the lights began to dim, bringing a finger up to his mouth in a quieting gesture as if he hadn’t been the one yapping Rin’s ears off the entire time; maybe he was still purposefully being annoying but just in a more subtle, second-hand way.

Throughout the movie, Rin was pleasantly amused and engaged, occasionally reaching over to grab and snack on a handful of the popcorn that Sae held or to take a sip of their drink until he felt so full that he simply couldn’t eat another bite. “Damnit, why’d you have to buy the popcorn.” He grumbled once the movie had finished, clutching at his stomach when it rumbled a little; he wasn’t in any pain, but movie-popcorn and a soda-drink wasn’t exactly the most healthy, nourishing thing in the world—he would have to work-out extra well later to make up for this.

“Tch- see? This is why it’s a good thing I ate your fries earlier… imagine if I hadn’t made that sacrifice for you? You would've eaten even more and felt even grosser if it weren’t for my consideration- ah!” Sae shrieked, dodging the half-hearted, purposefully-slow backhand aimed at the side of his head and scurrying off to toss their trash into a bin before making his way back over. “You’re so mean to me…” he whined theatrically, failing to suppress a wobbly, amused smirk that tugged at the corners of his lips when Rin gave him a flat, impatient look.

“Yeah, well you deserve it for being such an annoying little shit today.” Rin countered with a huff, unable to stop the way his own lips curved into a small, genuinely-amused smile that Sae definitely had not missed.

“But you’re smiling.” He pointed out without a moment's hesitation, apparently holding no reserves against embarrassing Rin even further. “Aw- don’t lie, you enjoy it. You would never have agreed to come to the mall with me if you didn’t.” He mused confidently, prompting the two of them to spiral into a lighthearted, teasing banter that didn’t lessen even after they’d hopped into their Uber back home; the poor woman driving was victim to their stupidity.

After being forced to take a small break from their back-and-forth play-arguing for a few moments while they separated to climb out of the Uber, Rin felt the tips of his ears burn when he was once again met with the urge to announce his latest revelation to Sae; the sunlight and sparkling, glassy turquoise-waters that had somehow managed to grow even more peaceful over the course of the day most likely had a hand in strengthening his desire to speak up about it. “… hey, Sae.” Rin called out quietly while the other fiddled with the key before holding the front door open for him to walk in first… but, the sight before him stopped his train-of-thought dead in its tracks, stealing his voice away and leaving him frozen with shock and disbelief.

Waiting and sitting at the dining-room table… was their parents.

Chapter Text

“Yeah, Rin?” Sae hummed back, wriggling out of his hoodie before tossing it down somewhere and turning towards the sound of his little brother’s quiet voice… but, when he found Rin standing in the hallway, back towards him, and shoulders stiff with tension and discomfort, Sae frowned, knowing that something was wrong. “Hey? What’s…” he trailed off, his eyes going wide when he moved to join his little brother’s side and found exactly what had caused him to freeze in what he could only assume was shock and petrification; sitting across from each other at the dining-room table, was their parents- y’know, the ones he hadn’t even bothered to take time away from their precious careers to visit their youngest son after he’d tried to commit fucking suicide. “What…” Sae whispered out, going as stiff and tense as Rin when their parents eye’s locked with his.

“Oh- Sae! Rin! My babies!” Their mother cried out, standing up from her seat at the table before rushing over to give her still-frozen sons an uncomfortable hug; she had hugged Rin after she’d hugged Sae. “Rin… Rin, I’m so sorry that we couldn’t get here sooner!” She cried out in apology, her eyes crinkling as they pooled with tears. “You know how it is… work and all.” She smiled with a small, apologetic shrug before proceeding to go into a long, in-depth explanation as to why they just could not find the time off no matter how desperately hard they tried. “But, we’re here now… and- oh, I’m so glad you’re okay!” She sobbed out again, burying her face against the still-silent Rin’s shoulder while sniffling and trembling.

“We’re glad you’re okay, son.” The sound of their fathers voice was gruff—not surprising; his voice was never truly soft—as he stood up to greet them; his version of a ‘greeting’ was stiffly patting Sae’s shoulder while offering an even stiffer nod of acknowledgement in Rin’s vague direction. “You’re mother and I would have visited sooner… but, like she said, it’s difficult to find time away from our work.” He mirrored their mother’s words almost identically, gently patting his wife’s back when she finally pulled off and away from Rin’s rigid, obviously-uncomfortable figure… and, after watching the whole scene unfold with an eerily still, void-like calmness, Sae only derived a singular thought from everything they’d just said: excuses… fucking excuses.

Every. Single. Fucking. Word.

“…What are you doing here?” Sae asked with an uncanny calmness, his voice and expression nothing short of absolutely chilling. “You’re… here to visit Rin?” He guessed before either one of them even had the opportunity to answer, the emphasis on ‘visit’ a subtly-laid out trap that would seal their fates even more if they were to walk into it… and, low and behold, they did.

“Of course we are?” Their mother answered immediately, her eyebrows pinching with discomfort—that could not be the only reason. “I’ve been so worried sick about my baby after I got the news!” She sniffled out pathetically, clutching to her husband’s arm for support as just the reminder of what had happened was so distressing that she couldn’t possibly find the strength to support herself… and, the longer he watched them both make excuse, after excuse, after excuse while masquerading under the facade of ‘apologetic and remorseful parents’ all the while Rin still hadn’t said a singular word, the more Sae willingly gave into the white-hot, writhing rage slowly but surely growing and burning hotter within his very soul.

After over a month- no, fuck that bullshit, after all these years of Rin suffering and decaying alone in this fucking prison, they decide that they want to show up now? Sae was just as guilty as them when it came to the topic of abandoning Rin alone in this damn house… but- fuck, he at the very least had the basic human-decency to suspend his football-career so that his little brother wouldn’t have to recover from his suicide-attempt and depression all alone in a strange, unfamiliar hospital; hed been willing to break apart, tear down, and loath every fault and shitty decision he’d made head on if it meant making amends and just being there for his little brother… so, to see their ‘parents’—god, they didn’t even feel like parents; their whole lives they’d treated Rin like a worthless burden and, even though they’d essentially worshiped Sae, it felt more like they were making an ‘investment’ rather than actually just loving him for who he was—show up without warning while attempting throw out a plethora of shallow, cheap excuses that were poorly disguised as an ‘apology’ all the while having the fucking audacity to look remorseful—as if they even had the slightest clue as what it meant to be truly remorseful; as if they understood the pain, suffering, and self-hatred of true, inescapable guilt that one had to endure to have even earned the title of ‘remorseful’—would be the end of Sae’s sanity and patience without a doubt.

“… mom? Dad?” Rin whispered quietly, speaking for the first time since he’d laid eyes on their parents, his voice strained and unreadable- well… unreadable to anyone who wasn’t Sae; their was not a singular speck of doubt that his little brother was on the verge of tears… and they were not the good kind. “I’m- why… Why after all this time?” He asked weakly, his wavering voice paired with the fact he was asking a question that he’d just been ‘answered’—a disgustingly worthless excuse of an ‘answer’, if you asked Sae—a sign that he had been completely dissociating this entire time… but, because they were selfish, insensitive pieces of literal garbage, it seemed that their parents—more specifically their father—took this display of confusion and vulnerability as a sign that if would be the perfect opportunity to say the most idiotic, rage-inducing thing Sae had ever heard in his entire life—and he was on a football-team with Leandro Luna, so that was saying a lot.

“We just answered that, Rin? But- since we’re apparently still on the topic right now, you’re mother and I couldn’t help but agree that we wanted to have a few words with you while we visit.” Their father announced, glancing once at his wife before his expression morphed into one of distant insensitivity that made Sae want to upper-cut him straight in the jaw when he spoke again. “We’re very frustrated and disappointed with you for doing this- I mean, attempting to take your own life, Rin? How could you ever think to do something so foolish without thinking about the consequences? Do you have any idea what kind of a reputation you committing suicide might’ve left the Itoshi-name with if you had succeeded? Think about me and your mother’s career… think about your older brother’s career as a professional football player. Even if you felt that you were having a hard time, it was wrong of you to think only of yourself.” Despite having expected nothing better from their parents than… this, Sae couldn’t help but be dumbstruck by the words coming out of his father’s mouth; the man had always spoken to both Rin and Sae in a cold, distant, business-like manner similarly to how he was speaking now, but this was a whole new level.

He just called his depressed, suicidal, sixteen-year-old son selfish for having attempted to kill himself- and, no, it wasn’t the typical argument a loved one might make that went something along the lines of ‘we would have been hurt and devastated if you’d left us behind’… no, this man- this disgusting, despicable man and his wife—their ‘mother’—who stood beside him with a stern, disappointed look on her face had the audacity to dare bring up status and reputation as a justifiable argument against what Rin had done; they’d just blamed a suicidal child for having attempted to kill himself.

…

“I’m-“ Rin began, his voice cracking almost immediately before he turned on his heel and rushed towards the stairs, ignoring their mother’s half-hearted protest before slamming the door to what was presumably his room shut with a loud bang… and, just as he’d been about to rush after his little brother, a hand on his shoulder stopped Sae before he could even take a single step.

“Ah- wait, Sae.” His mother called out to him, apparently completely oblivious and unaware of the ice-cold, threatening glare that Sae shot her way. “We didn’t want to say this while Rin was around to hear…” she paused, glancing at her husband for a few moments before smiling brightly as if she assumed the things she spoke out next were good news. “But, we’re aware that you’ve had to put off going back to your team in Spain because of being legally-bound to Rin as his caretaker, so we wanted to see if we might be able to work some things out about that.” She explained quietly, the assumed implications of her words only fueling the blackened, twisting rage coiling tighter and tighter in Sae’s heart and mind. “Me and your father have spoken to that psychiatrist- Dr. Sazaki, was her name? Or- something like that, I don’t know… anyways, we’ve talked to her and learned that it’s actually possible for someone else to take over your role as Rin’s caretaker… so we were talking to this woman who’s apparently a professional in this manner, and for a price, she would be willing to look after Rin for the remainder of the next few weeks he has to stay home… you could be on the next flight to Spain and go back to your team-“

“You… you want to pay some stranger to look after Rin?” Sae interrupted before she could even finish. “You- I… you want me to leave him alone to go back to Spain?” He whispered, his voice dangerously quiet and strained with a hatred and rage that he was just barely managing to contain. “You want me to leave my little brother alone just so- so what… so I can go play for my team in Spain a few weeks earlier than I would regardless?” He asked, the tone and drawl of his voice making it impossible for his parents not to understand how fucking pissed he was; he understood it now… even their reasoning for being here was an excuse. They weren’t here to visit or even chastise Rin for what he’d done… They were here to offer their precious oldest-son the opportunity to dip back to Spain in spite of their youngest; they were here so that the Itoshi-family reputation wouldn’t be sullied by Sae’s absence from world-football.

“Ah- well, honey… you make it sound worse than it actually is-“ his mother tried, physically flinching back and snapping her mouth shut when Sae turned the full silent fury of his cold, loveless eyes directly upon her.

“You want me… to abandon my little brother halfway through therapy… just so I can go and play for Spain?” Sae repeated softly, his fingernails biting into the skin of his palms so roughly that a trickle of blood flowed from the wound. “You came here to offer me a way out… isn’t that it? You didn’t come here for Rin at all, you came here to that my absence from world-football wouldn’t affect you both-“

“You will not speak to your mother or me this way! Not with such baseless accusations!” His father’s loud, angry voice cut him off, his expression contorted into a rage and impatience that would have been enough to intimidate anyone… anyone who wasn’t Sae, that was; his father’s shallow, superficial anger was nothing in the face of his own unrivaled hatred and fury. “Listen now, Son… your younger brother, Rin, has made a foolish mistake and we simply do not see the need for you to suffer the consequences of being forced to look after him!” With each word that reached Sae’s ears, he felt his self-restraint pulling taught; any second now… just a singular trigger and he would break. “We are simply trying to be good parents-“

There it was; there was the trigger.

“GOOD PARENTS!?” Sae roared angrily, the wire-thin rope that was the very last scraps of his patience and self-restraint snapping with a sudden force that made itself evident in his hateful, borderline-lunatic voice and expression. “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?” even his father—a usually stoic, short-tempered man—seemed utterly stunned and taken aback by his rage; that wasn’t surpsing… Sae didn’t think he’d ever been so angry in his entire life—he’d most definitely never snapped or yelled this loud before… he was certain about that. “You… you can’t be fucking serious! Stop- just fucking stop with this BULLSHIT already! You’re not here for Rin! You just want to fucking abandon and pawn him off so you won’t have to deal with him anymore! You don’t give a fuck about him and you never did! I’m- you don’t even give a fuck about me either, do you!? You don’t fucking care that your son’s are suffering AT ALL! you just… all you’ve ever been concerned about are yourselves! The only fucking reason you pieces of shit are here is because you can’t stand the idea of your precious reputation being ruined if news of what happened with Rin got out! News that- that you fucking neglect him-“

“How dare you use such language when speaking to your parents!!” His father snapped back angrily, apparently having recovered from his initial shock. “How dare you accuse us of neglect! How dare you accuse us of not caring about you and Rin! Do you know how much we’ve given you both!? Do you know how many opportunities we’ve presented the two of you with!? Do you know how much me and your mother have sacrificed-“ lies, lies, lies… every single word of it was a fucking LIE!

“SACRIFICED!? FUCKING SACRIFICED!? YOU'VE NEVER ONCE SACRIFICED ANYTHING FOR HIM! YOU COULDN’T EVEN BE FUCKING BOTHERED TO TAKE TIME OFF OF WORK TO VISIT RIN IN THE HOSPITAL YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT!!!” Sae was beyond volume at this point; he was beyond treating these people like parents when they had never once truly been there for either of them in the way good parents should—‘investments’… that’s all he and Rin had ever been to them; that’s the only reason they’d given their children the borderline-affection that they had… because they were investing in the possibility of having good heirs to the Itoshi-family name. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Sae screamed rawly when it looked like his father was about to sneak a word in, his resentment curling and roaring with triumph when the man’s expression faltered into one of genuine fear and startlement. “HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SHOW UP HERE AND SAY THOSE THINGS TO RIN! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU CARE AND WANT TO CHECK UP ON HIM WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS ABANDON HIM AGAIN! HOW- GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW!” He demanded furiously, his hands trembling with rage as he roughly pointed in the direction of the door; he didn’t care if this was legally his parents house… they didn’t deserve to even be breathing the same air as his precious, vulnerable little brother. “Hah- y’know what…?” Sae chuckled darkly when it seemed like his father still had a little bit of fight in him, his long-dead patience somehow becoming even more strained. “Y’know what… if you don’t want to leave, then how about I’ll call the police right now, huh?” He grinned broadly, tilting his head to the side and cackling slightly when his parents seemed to catch onto the implications of his words immediately… But, because he so desperately wanted to hurt them right now, he made a point of languidly driving the threat in even further, all the while a victorious, deranged smirk stretched across his twitching lips. “How about I call them so we can all have a nice, long chat about how Rin lives alone. About how a sixteen-year-old boy attempted to commit suicide because his dear, dear parents left their underage child alone to fend for himself… hm?” Now, realistically, Sae couldn’t do as well on his threat as he was promising; there was no direct evidence that Rin had been neglected, meaning that the only argument he would have was the hospital-records stating that his little brother had indeed attempted to commit suicide recently… But, that being said, their parents were shallow, self-absorbed creatures who most likely wouldn’t be able to bear the possibility of this becoming public—he would be happy to use his fame as a football-star to put them on blast if need be—and consequently ruining their reputation… meaning that Sae currently had the upper-hand and, if his parent’s anxious, mortified expressions were anything to go off of, he had hit the nail right on the head; checkmate… now, he just needed to give them one last little push to finally be rid of them. “GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!” He screamed at full volume, his turquoise eyes going wide and flashing with something that must’ve appeared so outwardly lunatic that the two fully-grown adults before him looked genuinely nervous and didn’t seem willing to push him any further.

Without another word, his mother and father hurriedly slipped past him to make their way towards the front door, saying nothing as they opened it, walked out, and slammed it shut behind them… leaving Sae standing there, out of breath, and on the verge of punching a wall… but he couldn’t do that; his poor little brother was currently upstairs, undoubtedly crying, and in desperate need of comfort and support… Being so violent and irrational as to cause such a loud, startling noise on top of all of the screaming would only hurt Rin—and damage their house; it was a secondary-priority, but still. “Damnit.” Sae growled darkly, gritting his teeth and willing the blood pounding through his veins to calm down just enough for him to catch his breath. “Damnit, calm down… Rin needs you to be calm.” He chided himself harshly, the reminder slapping him in the face with a reality much more pressing than throwing a little temper tantrum; he had to pull himself together now. “Relax, relax, relax…” he breathed out steadily, closing his eyes while slowing managing to calm himself down enough to the point that he felt stable enough to face Rin without having a mental-breakdown; seeing his little brother’s distraught, teary-eyed face while angry might prompt Sae to do something stupid… y’know- like storming out of the house, hunting his father down, and giving him a beat-down in the middle of the street in broad daylight before physically forcing him to apologize to Rin.

After having just barely managed to reign the fiery, coiling rage within him to an acceptable amount, Sae reopened his eyes, taking one last deep breath before ascending the stairs.

He refused to let the good day they’d had together be completely spoiled

Chapter Text

Rin wasn’t surprised… not by any of it, really; from the moment he’d walked into the house to see his two parents sitting at the dinner table, a lifetime's worth of memories of neglect and apathy associated with the two people sitting before him flashed through his long-trained mind- so, no… he hadn't been and wasn’t surprised in the slightest; the second his father had opened his mouth, Rin had guessed exactly what the man would say… and it had been completely accurate almost down to the specific wording used during certain parts of the chastise.

…

So why did it still hurt?

Don’t get him wrong… Rin didn’t feel any sort of betrayal or abandonment from what had just happened—how could he feel abandoned by people who had never truly been beside him to begin with?—but, in comparison to the cheerful, lighthearted evening he’d spent with Sae at the mall, the tumulus, thrashing waves that predictably evoked that long-hated sense of vertigo and discomfort within him was enough to make him feel sick to the point of wanting to cry… and, not caring to cling onto pride seeing as he was now in the safety and comfort of his own bedroom, Rin had been about to cry… but, before that first tear could slip past the corner of his eye, roll down his cheek, and slip onto the floor below, he heard it:

He heard Sae yell- like… actually yell.

He had never heard such pure, unfiltered rage in Sae’s voice… so, naturally, Rin couldn’t help but pull himself up and off from the floor, quietly crack his bedroom door open just enough to allow sound through more efficiently, and slowly peek his head around the doorframe corner to ease-drop on what could have possibly caused his ever-patient big brother to snap… and, the longer he listened, the more the tears previously threatening to spill from his eyes dried. “Sae…” Rin exhaled quietly, his eyes going wide with a combination of shock, disbelief, and awe as he listened to his older brother yell, rage, and even threaten their parents with unwanted-publicity if they refused to leave immediately; he was defending Rin.

“GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!” Sae’s unbelievably loud, almost frighteningly-rageful voice boomed through the entire house shortly followed by the sound of a door slamming shut; it seemed that he was successful in chasing their parents away… in defending and protecting Rin from their hurtful, dismissive words.

After that, a long, lingering silence followed, causing Rin to slowly peek around the corner a little more in hopes of catching any possible sound that would alert or cue him in on the situation a little bit more… but, when the sight of Sae’s exasperated, yet determined expression popped into view—how had he climbed the stairs so stealthily!?—Rin gasped, instinctively flinching back to his behind the cover and protection of the wall between them, the tips of his ears burning red when he realized how ridiculous and child-like he must look; why was he trying to hide? It’s not like he’d been ease-dropping on something he was explicitly told not to listen to… so why did he suddenly feel so shy and hesitant about the prospect of coming face-to-face with his older brother after what had just happened. “Rin…?” The sound of Sae’s quiet, gentle voice called out to him, eventually coaxing him to embarrassedly peek around the doorframe once more. “Ah… can I come in, or do you need space?” His big brother hummed thoughtfully, his turquoise eyes soft and sparkling with a patience and kindness that was a stark contrast from the dark, twisting rage he’d been screaming out just minutes ago.

“… you can come in.” Rin mumbled quietly, shrugging a little before grabbing his blanket, cocooning himself up in it, and sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the frame of his bed—he didn’t quite feel like sitting on it, for whatever reason.

Humming and carefully making his way into the room—perhaps he was being extra slow and methodical so as not to startle Rin—Sae moved to sit beside him, his judgment-free, patient eyes crinkling softly at the corners when Rin eventually gathered the courage to glance in his direction. “Do you want to talk about anything?” His older brother asked gently, scooting himself over until their shoulders pressed together in a comforting, grounding sort of gesture that worked surprisingly-well to dispel the majority of Rin’s initial shyness.

Taking a few moments to genuinely contemplate the question in full before answering, Rin allowed his eyes to flutter shut and his head to rest heavy against Sae’s shoulder for a minute or two before answering. “I’m not-“ his voice cracked almost immediately, the murky, cloudy darkness threatening to eclipse the warm, cheerful rays of sunlight that he relied on like a lifeline almost winning out… until the feeling of his big brother’s hand moving to rest and gently pat at his head served as enough of an anchor-point to keep him steady. “I’m not that hurt or even surprised by what they said or why they’re here… I’m- it's just… it still hurts a little, y’know?” He sighed quietly, once again closing his eyes while allowing himself to fully relax into the warm, steady support that was Sae’s shoulder and hand. “Things were… things were really good today. I had a lot of fun at the mall with you, but seeing them just- just sitting there and making excuses before scolding me really messed with my head… and it just sucks.” He grumbled with frustration, nuzzling his face against Sae’s shoulder when the other let out a low, quiet chuckle of agreement. “But you… you yelled at them.” Rin lamented, pulling back to see his brother’s hesitant, unsure expression directly; it seemed Sae might possibly be misunderstanding his sentiments towards the gesture. “You yelled at them… because they hurt me and that made you mad?” It was a question; despite the evidence of having heard everything himself, Rin’s natural inclination towards doubt and hesitancy—when it came to matters such as this—required extra assurance directly from the source… and he was not disappointed.

“Ah- yeah…” Sae nodded reservedly, still looking unsure as to what kind of expression or reaction would be appropriate for the situation, “I’m- uhm… I’m sorry if I was out of line with that.” He apologized quietly, his shoulders slumping with something like defeat and regret; did he actually think that Rin was upset or hurt by what he’d done? “I just- I couldn't entertain their selfishness any longer. I couldn’t let them use you as their- as their damn scapegoat and excuse any longer…” Rin would be lying if he said the blunt, straight-to-the-point wording Sae had used didn’t hurt a little… but it was the truth; their parents always had used him as their ‘scapegoat’, per say.

“Dumbass…” Rin clicked his tongue, moving to nuzzle this face against Sae’s shoulder before begrudgingly mumbling out his older brother’s due praise and acknowledgment; it was a tad bit funny to watch him apologize like a clueless idiot, but he didn’t want Sae to actually feel like he deserved to be remorseful and guilty for something that had deeply touched and moved Rin’s heart. “Did I ever once say I was mad at you? No… so stop apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong.” He huffed out quietly, chewing his bottom lip and squeezing his eyes shut tight to spare himself the embarrassment of what he was about to say. “Thank you, Sae… you- I heard everything that you said and did for me down there. I’m- it really means a lot to me to know that you’re around to protect and keep me safe.” He thanked softly, the tips of his ears burning with an almost-unbearable heat as he purposefully squished his face against the other’s shoulder even more forcefully; grateful as he was, he did not want to meet what was undoubtedly his older brother’s smug, obnoxiously-satisfied expression.

After a few long, embarrassing moments of silence, Sae spoke again and, rather than his voice sounding light and giddy with smug satisfaction, it was quiet and wobbly with something suspiciously-close to a tremble. “… you’re welcome, Rin. I- of course… anytime.” He whispered softly, moving to let his own head fall gently against Rin’s before letting out a long, drawn-out sigh of what was presumably relief… but, rather than simply bask in the peace and sudden-calmness of the situation, Rin found his mind immediately plagued by what he’d been fretting about before their parent’s unexpected visit… and, unsurprisingly given the emotional-charge of the situation, it had only grown in intensity: he wanted to tell Sae about his revelation… he wanted to call Sae his brother- no, actually… that’s where the ‘more intense’ aspect of the situation came into play; he didn’t just want to call Sae big brother again…

Rin wanted to call him Ni-Chan.

It was just… something about not only seeing Sae act so easy-going and affectionate in such a big-brother-like way earlier, but also seeing him go so far to protect and defend Rin really… awakened something within him; memories of his precious Ni-Chan filled his mind without warning… but they weren’t just memories of the distant past. Memories of every single kind, thoughtful, and patient thing that Sae had done for him this past month flooded his mind along with the others… and, with these memories crowding in the forefront of his mind restlessly, Rin came to a striking conclusion: Ni-Chan and current-Sae were not separate, ever-parallel individuals…

This Sae- his Sae, was Ni-Chan.

“… Ni-Chan.” Rin whispered against the other’s shoulder, his voice so quiet and muffled that it was utterly indistinguishable to anyone who wasn’t him.

“Hm?” Sae’s equally as soft, patient voice hummed out to him curiously. “Did you say something?” He asked with a yawn, gently coaxing Rin’s face away just enough so that they could look eye-to-eye. “You can’t mumble against my shoulder if you want to say something.” He chuckled quietly, the tired, yet endearing and affectionate way he smiled patiently causing Rin’s already-sensitive, squeezing heart to bloom with a warmth and vulnerability that would only work to make such a delicate situation even more fragile.

Pouting and rolling his eyes performatively, Rin momentarily fell back on the instinct to mock and tease whenever he felt vulnerable or exposed. “Stupid… are you deaf or something?” He clicked his tongue, the flush of his cheeks—and entire face, realistically—only worsening when, rather than retort of tease back, Sae simply continued to regard him with those impossibly-loving, affection-filled eyes; he wanted to say it… he really wanted Sae to hear it. “N…” he grumbled, his voice tapering off into something inaudible before he even managed to express the first syllable, his hesitancy and shyness only fueling to pique Sae’s curiosity and amusement even more.

“Heh…” he chuckled quietly, grinning broadly and tilting his head to the side before bringing his hand up to messily ruffle Rin’s hair. “I’m not deaf, you just have a mumbling problem.” He mused softly, the lighthearted, cheery way he teased Rin back only serving to make him even more flustered and embarrassed by the situation—the situation he was actively deciding to put himself in, mind you. “What’s the matter, Rin?” Sae hummed mildly, his cheery demeanor morphing into something a little more serious and concerned—though still equally as soft—consequently causing Rin’s heart to give another squeeze of warmth and endearment; it was so annoying how touching it was to see how easily Sae got nervous and concerned over his wellbeing… but, it was precisely that mixture of annoying-endearment that gave him the final push he needed to say it.

Letting out a long, slow exhale, Rin averted his eyes shyly, refusing to hold the other’s gaze as he spoke what was simultaneously the most embarrassing, relieving, and freeing word of his entire life:

“… Ni-Chan.”

Chapter Text

“… Ni-Chan.”

With a most-likely dumb-looking, uncomprehending smile, Sae gaped blankly at Rin, his mind refusing to fully register nor process the word that came out of his little brother’s mouth. “Ah?” He exhaled quietly, blinking a few times as if the gesture would help him absorb this new information more effectively. “What?” He called out, tilting his head to the side and pinching his eyebrows with a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and denial. “What… what did you just say?” He wasn’t trying to fish for anything right now; he genuinely just could not process what had just happened.

Huffing and squeezing his eyes shut tight, his little brother’s face resembled that of a beet-root as he pointedly rolled his eyes and moved forward to nuzzle his face against Sae’s shoulder with even more insistence than before; he was shy. “Dumbass… you can’t convince me that you’re not actually just deaf.” He mumbled begrudgingly, another low, embarrassed grunt escaping him in the wake of Sae’s expectant silence. “… Ni-Chan.” He repeated softly, his voice barely above a whisper but, to Sae’s ears and mind, he could have very well screamed it from the rooftops at full volume with how much the impact of registering his little brother’s intentions jostled him to his very core.

“Ni-Chan?” Sae repeated blankly, his heart-rate quickly leaping in pace as his eyes widened with a contradictory combination of skepticism and hope. “You… you’re calling me, Ni-Chan?” Logically, he knew that there was literally no other soul around for Rin to be referring to… but the notion that he was being referred to as ‘Ni-Chan’ by his little brother was so- just… so distant and unexpected that he couldn’t quite manage to wrap his head around it.

This moment was something he’d quite literally dreamt about for quite a while now- but, that’s the thing… Sae had spent countless hours imagining the novelty of this moment that he’d sort of… placed it on a pedestal, if that made sense? He almost viewed this long-awaited moment as something permanently distant that he would always be chasing after… so, now that it was here, it felt way too surreal to believe without further assurance.

“Tch-“ Rin clicked his tongue, grumbling something about Sae being a ‘deaf bastard addicted to praise’ before pulling back to give him an agitated, flustered glare that really only served to further Sae’s mental-correlation between him and an angry, puffed up kitten. “Who else would I be saying it to, you dumbass?” He hissed impatiently, though it seemed his annoyance stemmed more from the fact that he seemed to be incredibly flustered and overwhelmed right now—damn, that’s right… Rin had gone out of his way to initiate this development between them; there was no way in hell that he wasn’t on the cusp of physically combusting with embarrassment and begrudgment.

Taking a few more moments to process… everything, Sae gazed deeply into his little brother’s pointedly-narrowed eyes, searching meticulously for any sort of deception or even reluctance—he could not cross out the possibility that Rin felt forced or somehow cohered into saying these things; Sae would not allow himself to celebrate if that was truly the case—but, after roughly a full-minute of staring blankly, the sight of Rin’s ever-so-slightly puffed up, pouty cheeks eventually convinced him that this was genuine; his little brother had simply felt safe enough to not only acknowledge him as ‘Ni-Chan’ again, but go out of his way to initiate the announcement so boldly.

Not even making a half-hearted attempt to suppress the wide, giddy grin that stretched across his entire face, Sae willingly allowed himself to bask in the pure warmth, relief, and ecstasy that came with the realization that this was real; he’d finally re-earned his precious ‘Ni-Chan’ title… Rin was finally consciously acknowledging them to be brothers again. “I’m Ni-Chan again?” Sae hummed out giddily, allowing himself to succumb to the nagging, unbearable urge to bring a hand up to pinch at Rin’s puffed-out, flushed, pouty-little cheek—he’d wanted to do that for ages now; being shot a threatening death-glare was not enough to make him regret giving in.

“Stop that!” Rin spat angrily, bringing his own hand up to roughly swat the one pinching his cheek away… but, seeing as he didn’t protest when Sae immediately shifted focus towards ruffling and petting his hair, he didn’t think that his little brother was that upset—if at all. “Bastard… don’t get all cocky just because I said it once.” He grumbled stubbornly, unaware of the grave mistake he’d just made.

Humming and once again feeling a tinge of devilishness, Sae decided that calling upon his newly-discovered inner-gremlin would only make the situation even better. “Technically, you said it twice.” He lamented, wrapping his arms around Rin and refusing to allow him to escape when he made the frantic attempt at wriggling away and escaping the situation entirely. “Hey! Nooo! Don’t leave me!” Sae whined in protest, ignoring his little brother’s pointed curses and insults; he was so damn cute when he was flustered. “You can’t leave your Ni-Chan all alone after saying something so adorable! I’ll be lonely!” He feigned a sob of desperation, unable to maintain the facade for very long and eventually devolving into a fit of unresistible laughter when Rin spat a very long, creative string of curses and protests his way.

“You fucking gremlin bastard! You- why are you like this!? You can’t even get a single compliment without letting it go to your head, you annoying, idiotic- oh…” He cut himself off abruptly, the fight and protest draining out of him when their gazes locked—hm? What had caused him to pause so suddenly? “Ni-Chan, you’re…” he trailed off, his expression pinching with worry and doubt that Sae didn’t understand until the other brought a tentative, hesitant hand up to brush the tears from his cheeks; Sae was crying… somewhere along the line, his amused laughter had devolved into fragile, tearful sobs before his mind had even had the chance to realize that his heart was squeezing with fresh, raw emotion.

“Ah, shit…” Sae sniffled weakly, attempting to wipe and hide his eyes in his sleeve in hopes that it might help to calm him down—well, damn… he wasn’t surprised that this sort of thing had prompted him to cry, but he hadn’t even seen or felt it coming until it was already upon him. “Damnit, sorry, Rin… I’m- I don’t mean to cry, I’m just-“ perhaps it was a good thing his voice cracked when it did; After all, how could Sae even begin to express the cacophony of emotions swirling through him right now? How could he outwardly express to his little brother the contradictory rush of gratitude, relief, and guilt that had seized him without warning? How could he ever hope to explain the infinite, never-ending love and concern he felt towards the person before him- towards his best friend… towards who he considered to be his second-half and by far the most important person in all of existence? Would there ever be words depthful and intricate enough to verbalize the way Sae felt right now? “Sorry…” he apologized again, finding himself at a complete and utter loss for words as he quietly sobbed into his sleeve; maybe there truly weren’t words delicate enough to express the way he felt. “Sorry…” he tried to repeat, startling and gasping a little when he felt a pair of warm, steady arms wrapped around his shoulders before pulling him into a tight, secure embrace.

“Shush… just- stop apologizing, stupid Ni-Chan.” Rin scolded quietly, one of his hands moving up to massage through Sae’s hair in a methodical, soothing motion that had him sighing with relief. “I’m- it’s fine to cry, alright? It’s fine… I understand.” Did he really? Was it possible that, despite having the capacity to verbally express himself, Rin already understood the depths of the emotions he felt right now? Was it possible that his little brother really understood just how much this meant to him? “… you’re honestly so annoying, you know?” He began with an annoyed huff and a click of the tongue, but his voice very quickly softened into something quiet, gentle, and endearing immediately after. “You spend the whole day annoying me and acting like an idiot, then you’re yelling louder than I’ve ever heard you yell in my entire life to defend me, and now you’re crying and acting like a little baby because you’re so emotional…” he sighed quietly, a combination of fondness and amusement evident in every aspect of his demeanor. “And it’s so annoying because, sometimes, you make it so damn easy to be exhausted and frustrated with you… but, at the same time, you make it impossible for me to pretend like I don’t love you and see you as my big brother- damnit you even managed to accidently convince me into admitting that I think of you as my Ni-Chan again…” he sighed with exasperation but, when he leaned forward to once again nuzzle his face against Sae’s shoulder, the indentation of a smile stretched across his lips was evident. “Stupid, annoying Ni-Chan… you know that I do, right? You know that I really, really love you a lot, right? Tch- it's actually annoying and exhausting how much I do sometimes.” He finished with a long, relaxed exhale before giving the back of Sae’s head a gentle, yet pointed prod as if the gesture were a means of retaliation for the annoyance he’d just mentioned… but, Sae didn’t even feel it; he could feel or focus on anything beyond the almost-painful, desperate way his heart ached with a happiness so pure and raw that it bordered on hurt and sorrow.

Rin loved him- he… he loved Sae as his Ni-Chan.

Not even bothering to spare himself a sliver of pride, Sae practically fell limp against his little brother’s comforting, loving embrace while he rode out the emotions and tears that were processed one-by-one before escaping and offering him reprieve. “Rin…” he mumbled quietly against the other’s shoulder, his chest and shoulders hitching with a fresh wave of desperate, trembling sobs that Rin apparently found amusing.

“Tch- such a cry-baby, Ni-Chan.” Rin teased, mostly making an attempt at lightening the mood… but, once again hearing the term of endearment out loud, Sae only doubled-down on the emotional sobbing. “Gah- you weren’t supposed to start crying even more.” He huffed with mock-exasperation, the gentle, soothing circles he rubbed into Sae’s upper-back a stark contrast to his words and feigned tone.

Maybe it was the nostalgia of having re-earned such an impactful, intimate title or simply the emotional-charge of everything that had taken place in the last thirty minutes… but, Sae didn't think that, in the last month and a half, he’d ever felt as relieved and touched as he did right now—this moment even managed to steal first-place away from that night Rin had announced to him that he wanted to maintain cooperation and a long-relationship. “It’s not my fault…” Sae mumbled with a few hitches of breath, his sobs slowly but surely receding and allowing him to bask in the peace and intimacy of the quiet moment they were sharing. “You can’t say something so meaningful and important to me like that and expect me not to cry.” He sighed softly, his slowly-recovering clarity sparing a little bit of remaining energy to lament on how amazingly perfect this had gone; Rin hadn’t had a complete breakdown from their parent’s harsh, dismissive words… and, much to Sae’s disbelief and shock, his little brother seemed more steady and secure than ever before—of course, he wished that this revelation hadn’t come at the expense of their parent’s presence disturbing them to begin with, but he would choose to look on the positive side seeing as he was currently incredibly happy.

Rin’s Ni-Chan… yeah, he could definitely get used to this again.

Chapter Text

Over the course of the next few days, Rin was resentful to admit that the brief, yet hurtful impact his parent’s words had on his psyche continued to hang over him like a dark, brooding cloud… but, while it was annoying and a little bit of a mood-killer, it’s not like it was enough to completely ruin everything; rather than pitch-black, ominous clouds that blotted out the entire sky and sunlight along with it, this cloud felt a bit more like… a nuisance—sort of like the type of decently-sized, somewhat-thick cloud that would stubbornly park itself in front of the sun to annoy beach or park-dwellers that wished it to leave; an inconvenience, more than anything. “You alright, Rin?” Sae called out, pausing his meal-prepping for a moment to give Rin a mild, analytical gaze—his brother seemed to sense his sentiments about not being too bothered; rather than act completely overbearing and overly-worried, Sae maintained a careful balance of watchful, yet easy-going when fretting over Rin’s mood… something he was very grateful for.

“Yeah, I’m fine… Ni-Chan.” Rin hummed out in response, his cheeks burning with heat and embarrassment at the use of the nickname; as often as he referred to his brother as ‘Ni-Chan’ these days, he still couldn’t help but be shy and stubborn about it—plus, Sae made it difficult to play it off as something casual; he too must not have become accustomed to this new dynamic because he would get an obnoxiously-giddy, sentimental look in his eyes whenever he received the nickname. “Is Dr.Sato coming over later today, or is that tomorrow?” He asked randomly, his eyebrows pinching in confusion as he moved to reach for his phone; he always had a difficult time remembering when the man’s appointments were scheduled, for whatever reason.

Taking another few moments to pause, Sae pursed his bottom lip for a second before a noticeable flicker of realization flashed through his expression. “Ah- I was going to say tommorow… but I actually think it’s today? Remember how the scheduled days are all a little bit off because of what happened the first time?” He lamented, the reminder prompting the previously out-of-reach memory to fall into Rin’s grasp.

“Oh, yeah… that’s right, I remember now.” Rin hummed with a nod of agreement, the cogs in his mind suddenly shifting into gear when a newfound idea took root- or, well… It's not like it was exactly a new idea—more like a temporarily-dormant one now being revisited due to his lack of stress and increase in mental-clarity—but it was something that Rin was now ready to tackle once more: talking to Sae about their past. “Tch.” He clicked his tongue quietly, his stomach churning with mild-discomfort at the idea; as much as Rin had come to realize he loved and needed his big brother in his life, their past was still a dark, haunting thing that never failed to make him feel squimish… but, still, he wanted and needed to confront it regardless; answers would not only quell his curiosity, but also offer a certain level of closure and understanding that Rin knew was necessary if he wanted his relationship with Sae to be as optimal and comfortable as possible.

In regards to their first ever confrontation and the information he’d received, Rin felt… well, he still wasn’t quite sure how he felt about it? For the sake of maintaining peace and respect, he’d shut down their conversation before he could get any real answers… meaning that, more than anything, he was left with more questions than answers- but, he supposed that he had received an answer as for why Sae had ghosted him during the first month of two of moving to Spain… which, in all honesty, he wasn’t really angry about; he didn’t believe his brother was lying and, when maintaining a fair judgment and looking past the bias he held in favor of simply taking that aspect of the problem as it was at face value, Rin found that he believed the reasoning to be justifiable and fair—of course this didn’t mean that he wouldn’t get mad when Sae explained what the hell had happened over the course of the next four years, but still—meaning that, in all technicality, he supposed he’d actually managed to forgive Sae for that aspect of their past; regardless of how small, progress was still progress. “Hey, Ni-Chan…” Rin called out hesitantly, his train of thought being interrupted when one of his mental-reminders slapped him in the face with a very urgent memory.

“Yeah, Rin?” Sae answered almost immediately, his typical uneven, goofy smile stretching across his face at the nickname—yikes… hopefully his brother would be able to maintain that bright cheerfulness throughout the next few moments.

“… now that things are calming down a little, I kind of- I sort of want to talk more about what happened… y’know, about the past?” Rin explained quietly, internally cringing both at how awkward and timid he sounded and the obvious way Sae’s grin seemed to deflate as his demeanor shifted into that of hesitancy and worry. “It’s fine if you don’t, though.” He added quickly, not wanting to go back on his promise to wait until they were both ready for this; if Sae felt forced or rushed, it would kind of defeat the purpose of the whole confrontation—plus, Rin didn’t like to see his Ni-Chan uncomfortable anymore… at least, when referring to a more serious, potentially-hurtful context such as this one.

“Oh…” he exhaled almost inaudiblely, his gaze dropping for a few moments before he let out a long, drawn-out sigh as he paused half-way through his cooking-preparation to settle down next to Rin on the couch. “I’m- no, look… I appreciate you going out of your way to give me time and space but, honestly, I’m never going to be 100% ready for this conversation… so there’s no point in me stalling while pretending to ‘prepare’.” He sighed quietly, his expression pinched with obvious discomfort, but there was also a blazing, fiery determination alike that of the one Rin had seen the first time they’d tried to do this—it had crumbled back then… but, seeing as things were significantly better between them now, said fire seemed to be noticeably brighter; Sae seemed to have no intention of backing out. “Anytime and anything you want, Rin, I’ll answer… I’m as ready and good as I possibly can be right now.” He assured firmly, his eyebrow quirking upwards with confusion when Rin gulped and fidgeted nervously.

“Oh- uhm… right now?” Rin muttered timidly—damnit, why did he have to be so timid when it came to things like this? It was embarrassing!—averting his eyes and suppressing the urge to shrink away from Sae’s presence beside him; he wasn’t uncomfortable because of his big brother’s proximity or anything, it was just instinctive to lean away from things that were viewed as potentially intimidating. “I actually- I figured we could talk more about it when Dr.Sato comes over later?” He explained with a shrug, not having intended for his question and initiation to be taken at such face value.

“With him?” Sae repeated nervously, clearly disheartened and uncomfortable with Rin’s suggestion. “I’m- that’s fine. If it’s what you want, Rin.” His hesitancy and discomfort made it quite clear that he was indeed not fine—damnit, after all this time his stupid, annoying Ni-Chan still didn’t know how to speak his mind when he wanted something.

“You don’t sound very happy about that?” Rin frowned, giving Sae a skeptical, unconvinced look when the other tried to protest and assure him—nice try… by now, Rin could tell when Sae was attempting to be overly-accommodating. “C’mon… if you don’t like the idea of talking about it with him, just tell me.” He huffed shortly, his mild-impatience very-quickly melting away under the weight and warmth of sympathy when he realized that his big brother was simply uncomfortable and trying his best. “Please, Ni-Chan?” He pleaded sweetly, careful to keep his voice patient, understanding, and just a tad bit pouty—Sae seemed to be an absolute sucker for that last one… now, pair that weakness with a soft, affectionate ‘Ni-Chan’ and Rin was certain he could convince the other of anything.

Predictably, Sae’s stubbornness crumbled under the weight of Rin’s unfair tactics, his shoulders slumping with defeat as he let out another sigh. “You’re right… I don’t like the idea of talking about it with him.” He admitted with a weak shrug, his expression darkening into one of guilt and distress that Rin was all too familiar with by now. “I just… I know you can’t really understand the context of the things that I have to say since I haven’t told you anything about them, but they’re honestly just- they're really painful and humiliating for me to revisit, so I’m… I would just feel better if we could- y’know, have that whole conversation in private… I’m sorry.” Was this dumbass really feeling guilty about having boundaries and privacy-preferences right now? What an idiot… but, he was Rin’s idiot, so it was his job to make sure his dumbass Ni-Chan got the praise and assurance he needed to survive whatever the hell went on in his messed-up, funky brain.

Rin groaned and rolled his eyes with exasperation but, upon realizing how poorly that might be received given the fact that Sae did not understand the context of these actions, he quickly moved to gracelessly scoot over until he and Sae were close enough to bump shoulders. “Don’t say sorry, stupid… Do you have memory loss or something? Why would I go out of my way to try and be respectful of your boundaries and preferences just to turn around and be mad at you for having them?” He clicked his tongue, knocking his forehead against the side of Sae’s head in a sort of gentle headbutt; Rin hoped a little impact to the skull might be enough to finally knock some sense into him. “It’s fine… I don’t mind if we talk about it in private.” He sighed with a small huff, his curiosity piquing even further with the new clues and hints that Sae had inadvertently dropped about what it was that he felt so uncomfortable about; it must be really bad if just distantly-referring to it made him so uncomfortable. “Could we… maybe sit down to talk about it after my session then- maybe before we go to sleep later tonight?” He offered, hoping that he was successful in remaining fair and respectful about the entire situation.

Taking a few moments to blink and regard Rin with an expression that seemed more amused than hesitant, Sae eventually smiled and shrugged. “That sounds good, Rin… thank you for understanding.” He thanked earnestly, his turqouse eyes sparkling with a mixture of affection and gratitude that suddenly worked to make Rin incredibly shy.

Huffing and quickly averting his eyes in a pathetic attempt to spare himself the humiliation of being caught mid-blush, Rin jabbed a finger at the side of Sae’s head before hurriedly pushing and urging him off the couch and back to his cooking-prep from earlier. “Whatever…” he grumbled begrudgingly, subconsciously pouting and grumbling in a child-like manner when Sae’s only response was to laugh, ruffle his hair, and murmur something about him being ‘so adorable’ before complying and moving back towards the kitchen.

This was it… later tonight, Rin would finally understand what the hell could happen to change Sae during those four years.

Chapter Text

This was a good thing… it really was- but, that didn’t mean that Sae wasn’t internally—and, honestly, externally—freaking the fuck out about it. “This is good…” he grumbled, trying and failing to convince himself as a means of calming down; it failed miserably. “Just be honest. Just tell the truth and say that you’re sorry for it all.” He reasoned rationally, knowing that, realistically, when Rin finished up with his shower and walked into the room, sticking true to these principals was essentially the only thing he could and should do… but, still. Just because he was remorseful and truthful didn’t mean that something couldn’t end up going wrong- actually, there was a very high chance that something would end up going wrong—at least, within the context of what Sae considered to be ‘wrong’; anything that involved Rin hating him again, essentially.

Sae knew that, considering just how terrible he’d treated Rin before being slapped in the face with the much needed wake-up-call of his little brother trying to kill himself—he would love to beat his past-self up if given the miraculous opportunity—the odds of Rin getting extremely hurt or upset by the things he would have to say tonight was essentially inevitable… so- yeah, that was not something he was looking forward to—especially considering he’d finally re-earned his ‘Ni-Chan’ privileges just a few days ago—plus, even if he didn’t have to take Rin’s reaction on the manner into account, this topic still felt like a fresh, gaping wound anytime he was even reminded of it… so having a very high-stakes conversation about it was not ideal. “Damnit- you dumbass.” He cursed angrily, mentally berating his past-self for having been such an emotionally-inept idiot; if he’d just been a good brother like he was supposed to, he wouldn’t be suffering so dearly right now- they both wouldn’t be.

“You better not be talking about me.” The sound of Rin’s snarky but otherwise not genuinely upset voice hissed at him from the doorway, prompting Sae to startle and scramble up into a sitting position on the bed. “Tch…” he clicked his tongue, raising an eyebrow and tilting his head. “You look like you’re on the verge of combusting.” Rin huffed amusedly, drying off his hair with a towel before allowing himself to fall backwards onto the bed next to Sae, staying quiet even as a long, awkward silence settled between them.

Rin might not be saying anything or making any moves at initiating the conversation, but Sae knew what was expected of him; his little brother had given him trust, affection, and a pair of listening-ears… meaning that the only one they were left waiting on was him. “Rin.” Sae called out hesitantly, his shoulders going stiff with tension as he averted his eyes nervously.

“Ni-Chan.” Rin called back evenly, his voice neutral, yet soft and patient in a way that silently assured Sae that he was not being rushed right now—what had he done to deserve such an understanding little brother? “Y’know, if you really don’t feel up for it, we can always just put this off-“ he began quietly, the concern in worry in his voice—while incredibly endearing and touching—only fueling Sae’s guilt and, consequently, his resolve and determination to finally gift his little brother the closure and explanation he rightfully deserved.

“No.” Sae protested before he had the chance to finish, bringing a hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose for a few moments before letting out a long, drawn-out sigh.” No- I'm not- I refuse to run and put this off for any longer.” He declared determinedly, willing himself to remain calm when Rin pulled himself up into a sitting-position as a form of silent acknowledgement; it was time. “Alright- uhm… do you have any specific questions, or should I just talk about whatever I think is important?" He offered awkwardly, not quite sure which decision he preferred—on one hand, being put on the spot with a direct question was overwhelming but, on the other, rambling aimlessly was just as awful in its own right.

Remaining silent for a few moments, Rin seemed to take the time to genuinely contemplate the question before answering quietly. “You said that you ignored me for the rest of your time in Spain because something was bothering you… because you felt ashamed about something? What was that about?” More than anything, he’d been expecting this question to be the first and foremost… but that didn’t make the way Sae’s anxiety and discomfort flared up any less severe—Rin was straight to the point as always; that was basically his little brother in a nutshell.

It was because of his ego- his dream… because it had died; it had been a slow, somewhat drawn-out process that took place over the course of many small, minor realizations and confrontations, but it was still a swift, cutting death. “I’m…” he began before quickly trailing off, pausing to squeeze his eyes shut and fidget with a nasty combination of humiliation, discomfort, and hurt that felt all-too fresh and real considering he’d had so long to get over this pain. “I was ashamed to respond back to you… because I didn’t want to face your disappointment- no, I couldn’t face it.” He admitted quickly, as if tearing off the bandage as quickly as possible would make it any less painful; it hadn’t… and, due to his lack of proper clarification, Rin seemed to be more confused and skeptical of his explanation more than anything.

“Disappointment?” Rin repeated blankly, his voice evident with confusion and misunderstanding that only served to drastically heighten Sae’s irrational, fluttering panic and heart-rate—he could not afford to mess this up by being too vague! He couldn’t let his little brother receive anything but the full, honest truth! “Why would I be disappointed, Sae? I’m- I don't understand? I don’t understand how- what could you have possibly done that made you so afraid of my judgment? How the hell did that translate into you refusing to talk to me at all?” He huffed, his voice evidently weighing heavy with a sudden frustration that made Sae want to apologize on his hands and knees; he would have to explain himself thoroughly before reaching that part of the plan, though.

Gulping and nervously rubbing at the back of his knuckles in a pathetic attempt at self-soothing, Sae mentally berated himself for having once again having subconsciously found a way to answer Rin’s question while also dodging the whole point of it to begin with. “I’m- it was… I’m-“ his voice cracked and, with it, Sae let out a long, frustrated groan before squeezing his eyes shut, digging his nails into his palm, and forcing himself to blurt out the words he’d been so desperate to avoid for years. “Because I wasn’t good enough, Rin- I’m still not and I never will be.” He rushed out roughly, biting on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood before continuing; he could not afford to lose this momentum. “Because, when we were younger, you always looked up to me with stars in your eyes like I was the most amazing, talented person in the world and I- I… the idea of having to face you and explain to you that I wasn’t- that I’m not, was… it was too much. I couldn’t do it.” It was a selfish, trivial excuse, but it was the truth in full; how could Sae, after having promised to his admiring, proud little brother that he would become the very best striker in the world, admit to being so half-baked and incompetent that, even when pushing himself to his absolute limit, he could barely keep up with the world-class prodigies… much less beat them and take the title of number-one?

It was almost terrifying how vivid the memories still lingered within his mind; thirteen-year old Sae laying on his bed exhausted at 2:00AM after having pushed himself to the brink of passing out in field, reading through his little brother’s heartfelt, innocent letters all the while knowing that, no matter what he did- no matter how achingly hard he tried, he would never be able to write Rin back and give him the good news he knew the other was so optimistically awaiting; he would never be able to achieve his dream for himself nor for the innocent, bright-eyed kid waiting for his triumph at home… and that had fucking crushed him- but, that wasn’t even the half of it! What was even worse was the fact that, despite having agreed to a four year long duration in Spain, Sae had learned very early on that he was nothing in the face of world-class football; it hadn’t even taken a singular month before the seed of self-doubt, humiliation, and realization had started to root itself in his heart and ego… and, because of that self-doubt and even self-loathing for his inherent lack of genius and talent required for the dream he’d so painstakingly cultivated, he had never found the courage to pick of his pen or phone to break the news to Rin.

“You… weren’t good enough? For what?” Rin frowned deeply, his lack of ability to connect the very obviously placed dots a testimony to the innocence he still held regarding Sae’s capabilities; it was almost as if he couldn't possibly imagine a world where his Ni-Chan had been forced to abandon their dream. “Sae-“ oh, fuck… so he was back to ‘Sae’, now? What happened to ‘Ni-Chan’? Was he upset- was Sae failing to explain himself properly destroying the progress they’d made- or, maybe it was simply the truth that would ruin things? “-I don’t understand… you keep going on about being ashamed and afraid of disappointment, but you still haven’t explained to me what you were so ashamed about?” He huffed with something Sae was horrified to realize was impatience; his little brother really was starting to get upset with him.

Mentally willing his breathing to remain even and steady—he could not afford to start hyperventilating now of all times—Sae was startled to find himself also a little frustrated with the situation; why couldn’t Rin just let go of his deluded fantasies of Sae ‘being talented enough to do anything’ and connect the clues on his own? Was he really going to make Sae go into depth about his ego-death? Was he really going to make Sae rehash the pain, humiliation, and torment of his ‘team-mates’ and ‘rivals—they were never rivals; Sae was never good enough to be their rival—mocking, insulting, and destroying his dream right before his tear-filled eyes? “Tch- you really can’t figure it out?” Sae drawled defensively, the part of his mind that was still rational screaming and berating at him for having the audacity to be impatient with Rin considering his little brother had done everything in his power to remain considerate and respectful… but, insecurity and humiliation were intense, stubborn emotions. “I’m ashamed that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish our dream, Rin!” He snapped without warning, the raw, aching pain clawing at his heart prompting the tone and volume of his voice to come off as something dangerously close to anger. “I’m- what else could I possibly be referring to? The truth is that, after only a month of arriving in Spain, I was so fucking lukewarm and half-baked that I could barely keep up with my competitors… I pushed myself to the point of passing out and throwing up nearly every single day and, yet, I couldn’t even come close to playing toe-to-toe with the true geniuses of the field.” The cruel, haunting memories of slowly but surely coming to terms with his own failures and ineptitude only fueled the burning dumpster-fire that was his self-control at the moment. “I’m- so what do you think, Rin? Why do you think I felt ashamed? Why do you think I didn’t want to write and talk to you about what was happening? I just- I fucking couldn’t… you were at home and- and you were still so innocent- still so ignorant of what it’s really like. It- every time you wrote… every single time I read your messages, letters, or voicemails, it felt like a reminder… like a reminder that I was a failure who couldn’t achieve our dream. You were so- so expectant and hopeful and I just- I couldn’t fucking handle that kind of pressure! I- I could barely bring myself to get out of bed half of the time so- so, fuck… don’t you understand? I just… I just could not talk with you, Rin!” He finished with a desperate, uneven hitch of breath that prompted his chest to heave with exertion and emotional-strain… and, as soon as his mind caught up to everything his heart had possessed him to say, Sae felt like shit. First of all, what the fuck was wrong with him!? How could he yell and get impatient with his little brother for simply asking questions that he had full right to ask and, second of all, fuck… admitting the truth and consequently having relived through the worst period of his life felt like a knife plunging and twisting directly into his chest… so, in simpler, shorter terms, Sae hated himself.

He fucking hated himself.

“Fuck…” he cursed out quietly, bringing a hand up to clutch roughly at his chest when he felt his heart-rate and breathing spike uncomfortably. “Fuck, I’m- I’m… I don’t- I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to yell, I-“ his voice cracked with a painfully dry squeeze of the throat that only worsened his lack of oxygen. “I’m sorry- I’m… I’m not trying to blame… it wasn’t your fault. You trying to reach me was a good thing, but- but…” he trailed off, knowing that, despite his reasoning being the utmost truth that his heart found to be justifiable given how much pain he’d suffered through in Spain, essentially blaming his innocent, hopeful little brother’s attempts at calling was such a disgustingly irrational excuse that he shouldn’t dare speak it aloud for a second time. “I’m- I was just so hurt, Rin…” he began weakly, his skin prickling with self-loathing and discomfort that made him want to shut up… but, he knew that, if he were to stop talking, he would have to face Rin’s reaction; he knew it would not be a good one. “I’m so fucking sorry, but… it was just so damn humilating.” He sighed quietly, his lips curling into a bitter, pitiful smile as underserved tears pooled in his eyes before rolling down his cheeks; he must look so fucking pathetic right now. “Every day I- everyone always mocked me. They always made sure I was aware of how worthless and pathetic I was-“ what a hypocrite he was; he’d suffered in Spain just to turn around and do the same exact thing to his innocent little brother right after… pathetic. “-and I… it really got to me after a while, Rin.” He chuckled bitterly, shaking his head before burying his face into his hands. “I realized how incompetent I was… I realized that, no matter how much hard work I put in, I would never be able to accomplish our dream simply because I wasn’t born with the talent. I’m… it’s because I wasn’t good enough, Rin. It’s because I was ashamed that I wasn’t good enough- fuck… I wasn’t even good enough to get over my own selfishness and pride to write you back, heh… I was just so- so fucking ashamed of myself.” Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic… he was such a pathetic, lukewarm, failure of a brother and football player that he’d somehow managed to fuck up both aspects of his life so severely. “I’m- I’m so sorry…” he apologized weakly after an extended, unreadable silence settled between them, bitter, self-loathing tears leaking from his eyes like a fountain; how pathetic of him to be crying like he was the victim of the situation—Rin was, not him.

Sae couldn’t look at him; just as he’d been too pathetic and selfish to write, text, and call back to Rin during his time in Spain, he was too much of a coward to meet his little brother’s gaze now… because he didn't want to see the anger, hurt, and hatred he knew resided in those turquoise eyes… he didn’t want to see the disappointment. “I’m- I…” what use was there in speaking anymore? There was nothing Sae could do or say to make the cold, hard truth any easier for either of them and- fuck, the funny part was this conversation didn’t even cover the worst part of their past! He hadn’t even managed to get far enough to confront all of the disgusting, horrible things he’d said, done, and felt towards Rin after Spain had happened… fuck- just, FUCK! Why was Sae like this!? Why was he such a fucking failure in every single way possible!? Y’know what- hah, he didn’t deserve Rin’s forgiveness and he was a fucking idiot for believing that he was worthy of this; that he was worthy of being happy with his little brother again. He didn’t have the right to be apologizing when he hadn’t even managed to keep his cool long enough to explain himself without getting impatience… which- god, who the hell had created him with the fucking audacity!? Better yet, who the fuck had created him in the first place!? He’d kill to have a word with them… he’d kill to ask them why? Why had they made him like this? Why had they created him as such a failure-

…

“What are you doing, Rin.” Sae breathed out with a startling evenness, his body so stiff with tension and discomfort that it took him a few long seconds to process the pair of arms that wrapped around him; he was in full dissociation-mode. “What are you doing.” He repeated flatly, not daring to budge an inch beyond the way gentle arms maneuvered his head against something firm and warm; Rin’s shoulder. “Why are you doing this.” He asked blankly, his foggy, dazed too exhausted to find a logically conclusion on his own… but, thankfully, the next few words that his little brother’s soft, patient voice spoke sweetly to him made it difficult to misinterpret his intentions:

“That… that must have been really hard for you, Ni-Chan.” Rin whispered softly, one of his hands moving up to gently caress and smooth out Sae’s hair in a gesture that was clearly meant to be comforting.

…

Rin was comforting him.

Chapter Text

Rin was hurt… that was an undeniable, not-easily-overlooked fact of the matter; being ghosted and perceivably abandoned by the one person who meant the world to him had left a deep, twistedly-ugly scar that, even with an extended amount of time, might never truly heal… but, that didn’t make the raw, vulnerable pain that Sae had and still was suffering through any less real.

In all honestly, Rin had a difficult time wrapping his head around the fact that Itoshi Sae—the genius, world-class, famous football-star who could arguably be considered one of the best midfielders in the entire world—hadn’t been good enough… and that, rather than abandon their dream and promise like Rin had originally assumed, Sae had been forced to quit and change course due to his own shortcomings… but, marveling and contemplating that in greater depth was something he could do later… The more important thing that Rin should be focusing on was the fact that, despite his actions still being inconsiderate and selfish, Sae actually had a legitimate, justifiable reason—or, well… not justifiable, per say… but, rather, it made sense—for what he’d done.

Again, despite having suffered, it was still selfish and short-sighted for Sae to have ghosted and disregarded his feelings in the way that he had… but, that didn’t mean that the reasoning and explanation his older brother had for doing such things was invalid either; it didn’t make his pain any less real… which was precisely the reason that, rather than act out with anger, resent, or bitterness that would do nothing but fuel the ugly, dysfunctional cycle-of-hurt that they’d both somehow found themselves tangled up in, Rin simply hugged him; he hugged his brother in attempt to lessen his pain. “Ni-Chan.” He sighed softly, gently coaxing Sae’s face away and out from his shoulder in an attempt to gauge his expression and current state-of-mind… but, if the dull, glazed-over, tearful expression weighed heavily with guilt, remorse and self-loathing—don’t asking Rin how he could identify such complex emotions in his brother’s face; he just could—was any sort of indicator, then his Ni-Chan wasn’t doing too well right now.

“Why…” Sae’s weak, broken voice whispered out to him in question as he forcibly wriggled and detached himself from the embrace Rin had snagged him in earlier. “Why aren’t you yelling and cursing at me like you’re supposed to? You should… you shouldn’t be hugging me right now. I don’t- I just don’t deserve it… I don’t deserve comfort.” He sounded so defeated, yet confident… as if he truly believed with all his heart that his explanation didn’t hold any weight or value worthy of sympathy or patience; Rin would not stand for this… he refused to abandon his big brother in a time of such dire, desperate need.

“What the hell makes you say something stupid like that?” Rin huffed, projecting his voice as purposefully jagged and indignant in hopes that the shock-factor might catch Sae’s attention… and, thankfully, it had. “Ni-Chan.” He called out firmly, steeling his gaze and giving his timid, nervous-looking brother a serious, borderline-scolding expression. “Did you think that I would just pack up and ignore all of the progress we’ve been making towards our relationship because of this? Did you really think that, despite having been the one to seek it out and initiate it myself, I wouldn’t be emotionally prepared enough to take your words at face-value?” He wasn’t actually agitated or impatient with Sae’s doubt, he simply wanted to keep the other’s attention with a display of unwavering authority. “Listen, did what you went through excuse ghosting me and disregarding my feelings for four years? No, it definitely does not- and, yeah, even after all this time, I’m still really fucking hurt and pissed off by not having received any sort of text, message, or call back from you all those years… but does that completely invalidate the reason you had for doing it? Does that completely void and cancel out the fact that you went through hell and suffered so much pain? No, Ni-Chan, it also does not… so, no, I’m not going to ‘yell and curse’ at you and, no, I’m also not going to stop hugging and comforting you.” He finished with a stern, finalizing huff that, despite being mainly there to deter Sae from arguing further, was also a sort of way for Rin to hide the way his heart squeezed with pure, raw emotion that, in all honestly, made him want to cry a little… but, said sentiments were quickly cast aside when the much more pressing issue of Sae apparently still not being convinced presented itself.

“But- but I’m the bad guy, Rin. I’m the one who caused you unnecessary pain because I projected my own onto you… I’m the villain-“ Sae tried to protest quite adamantly; apparently he was dead-set on digging his own grave… but, unluckily—or rather, luckily—for him, Rin simply did not care to entertain this sort of mindset for a single second.

“And?” He huffed pointedly, clicking his tongue and bringing a hand up to—lightly—flick Sae’s forehead in an attempt to knock some much-needed goddamn sense into the bastard. “Did I not just acknowledge that? Do you think I don’t know that you hurt me- that this information is some sort of recently-revealed secret?” He didn’t like to be harsh when his big brother was clearly in such a fragile state-of-mind, but he needed Sae to understand his perspective; the fate of their relationship depended on it. “Yeah, Sae, you hurt me- it still really fucking stings sometimes… But is this new? Were we both not already aware of this long before I was even discharged from the hospital? Look- yes, if you’re caught up with the technicality of the matter, you are the one who hurt me… But is that why we’re having this conversation? No, it’s not, because if I wanted to simply point fingers and berate you for all of your mistakes, then I wouldn’t have agreed to cooperate with you in the first place, so, my questions still stand… and? So what if you’re to blame? So what if you’re the ‘villain’? The point of these conversations isn’t to assign blame or rag on you for your mistakes… it’s so we can both get closure and understand each other's perspectives better, alright? It’s so that, despite the fact that there might always be a little bit of bad-blood between us because of the past, we’ll still be able to have a relationship and love each other the way good brothers should… don’t you want that, Sae? Or do you want me to simply point my finger, completely invalidate all of your pain, and turn our relationship toxic again? Tell me… which one do you want?” God, that had been a mouthful… but it was necessary; Rin knew that he needed to present Sae with a ultimatum or else he might allow the seeds of self-doubt and insecurity to blind him from what the true purpose of these confrontations were: to make things better between them.

“… I- I want the first one.” Sae exhaled meekly, his eyes downcast as he spoke. “I want… things to get better between us, not worse.” Yes- please, just a little more… His brother was so close to understanding.

“The first one?” Rin repeated clearly, refusing to allow the firmness or finalization in his voice to waver until he was sure that Sae was grasping the mentality he’d need to adopt for this to work between them. “So that means that you acknowledge the fact that, regardless of who’s fault it is, that’s not the point, right? You’re willing to acknowledge that this isn’t just for me, but both of us, right? Which means that, sometimes, you'll need and will be willing to accept comfort too… right?” Rin gave Sae a pointed, expectant look as he searched the other’s gaze for any sort of misunderstanding or skepticism… but, when he found nothing but shy, somewhat-timid understanding, he knew that his efforts had been a success.

“I- yeah… I understand.” Sae hummed quietly, the majority of the tension knotting his posture dissipating along with his previous, unfavorable perspective—thank god… Rin did not know how else he would go about convincing Sae if he hadn’t jumped on board when he had.

“Good.” Rin huffed with mock-exasperation, assertively spreading his arms and giving Sae a pointed look while silently demanding that the other cooperate with his due comfort; he refused to go to bed until he was certain that he’d given his big brother the adequate amount of warm hugs and soft ‘Ni-Chans’ required to make sure that he wouldn’t fall asleep sad or unsettled.

Pausing and gaping blankly for a few moments, Sae regarded him with an expression that, despite being worn down by exhaustion and emotional-fatigue, managed to flicker with a hint of amusement before he moved to comply and settle his head against Rin’s shoulder. “Hmph, stupid, stubborn Ni-Chan… was that so damn hard?” Rin huffed with a roll of the eyes as he shifted to wrap an arm around Sae’s shoulder while the other moved to rub soothing circles against his upper-back.

With a small, almost-imperceptible chuckle, Sae shook his head before a long, content silence settled between them, causing Rin to eventually doze off into a half-sleep before the sound of his brother’s soft, emotion-filled voice speaking to him once more snapped him out of it. “You were right… about Spain, I mean. It was… it was really hard for me.” He whispered, the reachfulness in his voice causing Rin’s heart to leap with hope; this was Sae’s way of asking for a branch… his way of requesting that he be allowed to open up and talk more about his struggles—good, this meant that he was already internalizing the belief that he too deserved closure from these conversations.

Yawning and stretching his legs out, Rin hummed in acknowledgment, making an effort to occasionally pat Sae’s far shoulder in an attempt to remind him that he was being seen. “Do you want to talk about it more?” He asked patiently, quickly moving to add when he realized how his words could possibly be misinterpreted. “You don’t have to… or- what I mean is, you already answered my question enough, so don’t feel forced… but, if you do want to talk about it, I’ll listen.” Ugh- why couldn’t his unfaltering, steady confidence from earlier be a 24/7 sort of thing? It was damn annoying having gone from confident to floundering awkwardly in such a short span of time.

“… really?” Sae whispered out hopefully, as if he couldn’t quite believe his ears; bastard, one observing from the outsider would assume that Rin was a terrible, dismissive person with the way his brother sounded so skeptical and disbelieving of the kind gesture. “You… you’ll listen?” When had Rin ever not?—well, speaking within the context of more recent than not, of course.

“Tch- I literally just said that I would, stupid Ni-Chan.” Rin huffed with a light pout, internally smirking when, after a few moments of contemplation, Sae let out a small, shy hum of agreeance.

It seemed that the two of them might be up for a little while longer but, if it meant that Rin could lessen his brother’s pain…

Then he would listen.

Chapter Text

Sae felt… better- which, despite how obvious the notion might be to an onlooker, was extremely startling and surprising to him; although Rin’s stern scolding had given him a much needed wake-up-call and shift in mindset that had prompted him to acknowledge the fact that he too deserved to have his pain validated, Sae was still stunned by just how much simply opening up, telling the truth, and having someone around to listen had so-miraculously relieved a considerable amount of the pain and humiliation that he’d been carrying around—though, to be fair, that was thanks to fact that Rin had remained extremely level-headed, patient, and sympathetic with his struggle… so, Sae supposed he’d simply gotten lucky in the sense of having been born with such a loving, understanding little brother.

He had spent the next few hours rambling on and on about whatever pain or troubles had presently occupied the forefront of his mind and heart… and, through it all, even as the dusk had long-consumed the night-sky entirely, Rin hadn’t complained, invalidated, or rolled his eyes at his past—and, honesty, current; Spain had left a deep, marred scar that, even to this day, had yet to heal… both mentally and physically—suffering even once; he'd just… listened- he listened to everything without judgement, scorn, or bitterness. “Ah- shit… it’s- sorry, I didn’t realize it was already 2:00 AM.” Sae whispered apologetically a few moments after his squinted, fatigue-strained eyes managed to focus long enough to read the distant, blurry numbers on the wall-clock; he’d hadn’t meant to keep them up so late.

“That’s fine.” Rin answered without missing a single beat, his voice steady and without a hint of exasperation or impatience. “You can keep talking if you want… I don’t mind, Ni-Chan.” He assured warmly, the hand he brought up to gently pat and smooth out Sae’s hair adding to the comfortableness of the whole situation.

Sae took a few moments to genuinely consider it… but, after a little while, the seductive lull and caress of a much-needed night’s sleep eventually won out against any sort of inclination he might have towards staying up and chatting longer; he’d already gained ten-times more from this confrontation than he’d originally been wishing to—and, hopefully, Rin had too—so, he felt content and comfortable with pausing things where they were for now—perhaps he might even have the opportunity to open up more about his struggles again tomorrow? It would be quite nice if being more open and accepting of his past trauma could possibly become a little less of a rare, once-in-a-blue moon occurrence. “I think I’m fine… it’s late and I’m pretty tired too.” Sae yawned tiredly, unburying his face from Rin’s shoulder to give the other a small, grateful smile. “Thank you… for helping me, I mean .” He thanked earnestly, his cheeks flushing with a gentle prickle of warmth when Rin hummed out an equally as soft: ‘of course, Ni-Chan… goodnight’—his little brother was way too cute and lovable. “Goodnight, Rin.”

                   ~^~^~^~^~^~

The next few days passed like normal and with no signs of irregularity… so, having ended the confrontation, explanation, and recalling of his past on a high-note, Sae didn’t really think very much of what had happened beyond occasionally taking a few moments to bask in the newfound warmth, comfort, and contentment that came with no longer feeling constantly burdened by his shameful, bitter secret—of course, Sae hadn’t exactly managed to relieve himself of the self-hatred or failure-complex that came attached to the whole experience like the most unwanted ‘bonus’ in the world… but, he felt better knowing that said past wasn’t so pathetic and trivial in Rin’s eyes that he’d forsake their current relationship upon learning about it…

That was, until his little brother started distancing himself; that’s when Sae had started having doubts that Rin’s acceptance and understanding regarding his perspective of the past was indeed as straightforward and ‘peaceful’ as he’d originally assumed.

By the time the third day following their confrontation arrived, Sae had started to notice his little brother’s… absence, per say. He hadn’t gone anywhere and nothing had changed much aside from the fact that Rin seemed a little less receptive of conversation and intimacy, but it was noticeable enough of a change for Sae, ever perceptive—and a borderline-obsessive over-analyzer—to note that something was different… and, upon acknowledging that the only significant event that had recently happened to cause this change was their confrontation, Sae couldn’t help but naturally assumed that it was the root of the problem; in simpler terms, he was internally freaking the fuck out- and, yes, he was well aware that he had the bad-habit of jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst, which is why he hadn’t done anything drastic—yet—but he also knew when something wasn’t right… especially when it came to his little brother.

It was currently 4:27 PM in the afternoon and Rin seemed… exhausted; there were bags under his eyes, a sort of droopiness in his overall posture, and he hadn’t made any effort to cook, exercise, or entertain himself since the day began. “Hey… Rin?” Sae called out softly, summoning every ounce of willpower to maintain a steady, assuring smile when his little brother turned his dull, weary-looking turquoise eyes towards the direction of his voice. “Are you feeling okay? You seem a little… under the weather, today?” Up until now, he’d been internally-begging that his observations and assumptions were wrong… but, when Rin’s only answer was to simply shrug and hum half-heartedly, he knew that his worst fears might very well be coming to pass; he still couldn’t be certain if this behavior was for the reason he was assuming, but just the knowledge that something was indeed troubling Rin was extremely stressful for him to deal with.

Suddenly gripped by a brutal rush of discomfort and panic, Sae very quickly weighed the two options he had carefully; he could either, one, give Rin space in hopes that he simply needed time to process whatever it was that was bothering him… or, two, directly confront his little brother with the intended possibility that it would force the both of them to work through this newfound issue rather than put it off and possibly allow it to fester unnecessarily. “Rin… you’ve been acting strange today.” Sae began slowly, internally pleading that confronting the issue wasn’t the wrong way to go about things. “You haven’t been talking as much, you only ate because I put food in front of you, and you haven’t once picked up your phone to text Isagi or the TV remote to find yourself something to watch.” He was being extremely careful to not project himself as judgmental or impatient—things might be significantly better between the two of them, but Rin still had the habit of occasionally lashing out or getting defensive whenever he felt threatened or cornered.

“Just tired.” Rin shrugged shortly with another half-hearted, disinterested answer that only fueled Sae’s determination extract the real answer out of him or—as they put it—‘die’ trying… but, before he even had the chance to calculate and contemplate his next attempt, his little brother spoke again, his words equally as relieving as worry-inducing. “I’m- I don’t really know why I’m so tired, though…” he began softly, his voice strained with a pain and discomfort that had Sae scrambling to sit down on the couch directly beside him; he needed to be as close to his little brother as possible. “I don’t know, I… I just woke up this morning and felt… worse than normal, for no reason.” He explained quietly, his inadvertent admittance to being bothered by something unidentifiable rather than their confrontation doing wonders to soothe Sae’s anxiety… but, seeing as that was only half of the problem, he didn’t allow himself to relax.

As mildly-shameful as it was to admit, now that he was no longer hindered by the selfish, self-centered panic and anxiety that had plagued him just moments ago, Sae’s mind almost immediately clicked the now very-obviously laid out puzzle-pieces into place; Rin was still depressed… and, if his—now more rational—assumptions were correct, Sae was certain that his little brother was having a sort of… relapse, if that was the correct terminology for this sort of thing. “Worse than normal?” He repeated quietly, gently maneuvering Rin into a side hug that was thankfully accepted and leaned into without protest. “Like… lethargic? Like you don’t feel like doing anything and just feel tired?” Sae offered patiently, releasing a small breath of relief when, after contemplating it for a few moments, Rin eventually hummed and nodded with a slightly startled expression; it seemsed that his little brother hadn’t taken the time to contemplate his own condition beyond simply suffering through it until Sae gave him the suggestion. “Like… maybe you're having a tough time with your depression?” He didn’t like to be this confrontational and blunt if he could avoid it but, seeing as Rin seemed to lack the awareness necessary for dealing with his mental-illness, Sae felt that it was important to lay things out as meticulously and straightforward as possible; after all, he knew a thing or two about depression—and by that he meant he knew a lot about it having suffered through it himself—and was well aware of how not being properly informed or conscious of these ‘relapses’ could be extremely harmful if not brought to light.

Physically startling a little, Rin pulled back from their shared side-hug just enough to give Sae a hesitant, yet… almost ashamed look. “I’m- I don't know… I don’t understand how I could be? Me and Dr.Sato have been talking about my depression and… y’know-“ Sae appreciated that he spared them both the pain of hearing the oh-so-dreaded word aloud. “-and I’ve- it’s been good… I’ve been feeling a lot better about it and everything- especially since things between us are pretty good now… and I haven’t even been thinking about being depressed and all that shit for ages now, so- I… I just don’t understand what happened? Shouldn’t I be… y’know, getting over it by now? I don’t even have anything to be depressed about anymore… is- is something wrong with me?” The frustration, confusion, and vulnerability in Rin’s voice hit home for Sae for many, many different reasons, causing his heart to squeeze with a combination of guilt, sadness, sympathy, and endearment for his poor, confused little brother; though, at the very least, he supposed that, when looking on the bright-side of things, it was a positive that, rather than suffer a relapse when things were still bad between them, Rin happened to have one when things were miraculously at their best in almost every aspect of the situation.

“No, Rin… there is definitely not anything wrong with you.” Sae countered sternly without missing a beat, his expression softening into something a little more gentle and apologetic when he realized he might’ve come off as a tad bit too assertive. “Sorry, sorry…” he apologized hurriedly, bringing a hand up to gently pinch Rin’s cheek when the other’s expression morphed into something similar to that of a timid pout. “It’s just- no, don’t think even for a single second that something is wrong with you… because there isn’t. This sort of thing- well, it’s normal, Rin, I promise.” He explained, his heart aching with affection and love when his little brother gave him a skeptical, yet hopeful look. “I know that it must be confusing and hard to deal with since you felt and are clearly getting much better, but it’s normal to have these sorts of… relapses, I guess.” He really hoped that the possibly-inaccurate term wouldn’t hinder his explanation and assurance. “Even if you feel better for the majority of the time, you are still depressed… and, as much as it sucks, you’ll sometimes have to deal with it acting up for no reason. There’s nothing wrong with you at all… it just happens, sometimes.” He sighed with a somewhat-defeated shrug as he finished, hating the fact that his words were nothing short of the cold hard-truth; mental-illness was a cruel, ugly sort of thing that truly reserved zero mercy for any victims.

“It’s… normal?” Rin repeated hopefully, his adorable turquoise eyes singing with a reachfulness that made it impossible for Sae to not immediately give into the urge to bring a hand up to ruffle the other’s hair affectionately. “So I’m… I’m not broken? It’s not a sign that things are getting worse again?” He sounded so scared; Sae would have to work twice as hard for the remainder of the day to keep his spirits up and positive.

“I promise, Rin… you’re not broken and, no, just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean that things are going to get worse… it just- some days are harder than others.” Sae assured, smiling and sighing with relief when, after taking a few moments to contemplate the newfound information presented, Rin nodded and shifted to rest his head against his shoulder.

“You seem to know a lot…” Rin mumbled quietly after around a few minutes of content silence passed between them, his voice laced with mild-curiosity as well as hesitancy. “During those four years in Spain, were you…?” he trailed off, not needing to finish his sentence for Sae to understand his question in full.

“Yeah, I was.” Sae admitted openly, not seeing the point in concealing the information seeing as, one, he'd already expressed the majority of his suffering regarding Spain to Rin a few nights ago and, two, going into greater depth about his own battle with depression might help his little brother to relate to and trust his insight with a little more conviction. “I went through the exact same thing as you… the relapses, I mean. Even after getting through the worst of it, I would still have tough days like you’re having now- fuck, I still do sometimes, and I’ve already had years to process it all.” Confronting his past a few nights ago was a testimony to how emotionally-fragile and delicate Sae’s heart remained about what had happened.. so- yeah, actually, with hindsight, he realized that he did still occasionally have bouts of particularly harsh depressive-thoughts and lethargy on the matter.

Humming and nodding, Rin’s curious, innocent-looking eyes seemed to weigh heavy with something like sympathy for a few moments… but, rather than simply acknowledge the unfortunateness of the situation and move on like Sae had been expecting, he asked something that—although not too shocking when given the context or their conversation—thoroughly caught him off guard. “Did you- did it ever get so bad that you’d- y’know… do bad things to yourself?”

In the many, many hours that he and Rin had discussed about his struggles in Spain, this in particular had been something that Sae had purposely avoided… but, if it could help relate to or just somehow comfort his little brother in even the most miniscule of ways…

Sae wouldn't hesitate to talk about it.

Chapter Text

Rin wasn’t exactly sure what prompted him to ask the question- well, perhaps it was the desperate, much-needed instinctual human-desire to find something to relate his own pain and insecurity to… but still, he hadn’t even been consciously aware of the words tumbling out of his mouth before he’d already asked—shit, he highly doubted that Sae, even in the darkest, most depressing period of his life, had actually resorted to self-harm as a coping mechanism, but Rin still felt bad about potentially prodding at a sore-spot.

He wasn’t at all surprised to learn that Sae had indeed suffered through depression—the many, many hours Rin had spent listening to his older brother’s pitiful, saddening stories of Spain had already hinted towards him having developed mental-health issues—but, in contradiction to the assumption he’d just reached, Sae’s response stunned him to his very core. “Yeah, I did.” Came his older brother’s pained, yet immediate and nonchalant answer, his smile strained with defeat when Rin physically startled and whipped his head around to give the other a wide-eyed, disbelieving look of pure mortification and fear. “I never got to the point of… well, the point that you reached-“ suicide; Sae had never wanted to commit suicide—At the very least, that was somewhat-relieving to hear. “-but, during the worst of it—maybe around my second year of being in Spain—I…” he trailed off quietly, pausing to seemingly collect his thoughts for a few moments before finishing. “I used to cut myself.” He admitted with another shrug and smile but, this time, they weighed impossibly-heavy with a visible grief and sorrow so weary that it made Rin’s eyes prickle with unshed tears; his Ni-Chan… used to cut himself- he used to hurt himself purposefully?

When Rin had woken up this morning, he’d immediately known that something was wrong… but, he hadn’t been able to understand nor identify the cause of the dark, foreboding cloud hanging heavy and trailing over his head until Sae had explained and assured him of it simply being his depression ‘relapsing’. Just moments ago, he’d been relieved and grateful for his big brother’s wisdom and guidance… but, upon learning the price that said knowledge and suspiciously-relatable understanding came with, he once again felt uncomfortable and sick to his stomach with sorrow and worry. “…What?” Rin whispered out in disbelief, his bottom lip trembling with a cacophony of tumulus, frantic emotions when the severity and true weight of the notion set it; Sae used to cut himself and- fuck… Rin knew that his older brother had it awful in Spain, but he would have never understood the extent of it had he not asked the question that he did.

Over the course of the past few days—aside from this one, specifically—Rin had spent a decent amount of his free time contemplating how bitter and upset he remained towards Sae for having abandoned him for those four long years—and, technically, the even longer year that followed those four… but, that conversation was one they’d still yet to tackle directly, so he supposed he should monetarily put that aspect of their past on hold—and, despite sympathizing deeply with his older brother’s obvious sorrow, he hadn’t exactly found himself in a position where he would be ready to forgive… but, perhaps this new piece of critical information would force him to once again reconsider that perspective—again, it’s not like Sae’s pain justified what he’d done… but, seeing as forgiving his brother for his mistakes were rooted more so in Rin’s own ability to process and move on emotionally rather than simply allowing himself to be guided by the more superficial, unproductive drive of technical ‘right and wrong’, Rin couldn’t exactly glaze over this newfound information without adding it to the scale of decision. “Y-you… you used to cut yourself, Ni-Chan?” He gasped out desperately, his voice still trembling under the weight of sheer pain and terror even after having had it confirmed multiple times now. “What- but… I’m- you don’t-“ his voice cracked and, with it, the last remaining fragments of his composure. “Ni-Chan…” he called out softly, his tear-filled, strained eyes struggling to focus on the blurry silhouette that was his older brother shifting and moving so that they were facing each other directly.

“Rin, are you… crying?” Sae’s startled, almost-disbelieving voice called out to him quietly, a warm, gentle hand moving up to affectionately ruffle Rin’s hair while the other tackled the task of wiping away his tears. “Wait- are you crying because… of what I used to do?” Why the hell did he sound so shocked? Of course that was the reason; how the hell could Rin hear such a heartbreaking, awful thing come out of his precious Ni-Chan’s mouth and not cry about it?—self-harm went far beyond what Rin had initially assumed was the severity of Sae’s experience in Spain.

“The h-hell do you sound so shocked for, huh?” He sniffled out with a huff, the hand previously laying limpy at his side instinctively moving to rest on Sae’s knee; Rin wasn’t sure whether he craved physical-touch as a means of soothing his older brother’s pain, or if it was simply his heart-broken subconscious searching for something to relieve his own. “Stupid… of course I’m crying because of that! Why the hell else would I be?” He hadn’t intended to project himself as frustrated and impatient, but he couldn’t help it; learning of the extent of Sae’s struggle made him feel… helpless, in a sense—he couldn’t really describe the sensation very well beyond that. “You… I had no idea. Why- why didn’t you tell me about that the night we talked about everything?” Logically, Rin knew that Sae had the right to privacy and most-likely hadn’t felt comfortable sharing about this in particular, but he was way too emotionally-charged and flustered to think rationally at the moment.

With a sigh and what might’ve been a small smile—Rin couldn’t tell on account of his tear-filled, obscured vision—Sae simply shrugged. “I just didn’t feel comfortable talking about it yet.” He hummed casually, a small, genuine chuckle escaping from him when he presumably caught sight of the way Rin’s expression pinched with confusion and contemplation.

“Then… Why now? If you didn't feel comfortable talking about it a few days ago, why would you answer my question?” There was no way that a scar as twisted and ugly as resorting to self-harm could suddenly become bearable and comfortable to speak about because a few measly extra days passed, so he didn’t understand why Sae hadn’t simply lied or misdirected his question when it obviously caused him discomfort to speak about.

Leaning forward to rest his forehead against Rin’s shoulder, Sae once again shrugged with a nonchalance and casualness that somehow felt simultaneously genuine and performative at the same time. “Because you asked.” He answered simply, chuckling and affectionately ruffling Rin’s hair before once again pulling back enough so that they could speak face-to-face. “Because you’re obviously having a hard time with your own depression right now… so, I figured that opening up and talking about my own experiences would help to relate or make you feel a little bit more at ease about what you’re going through.” He explained with a small, earnest smile, utterly unaware of the way Rin’s heart both shattered in two and bloomed with a warmth and endearment so intense it dwarfed anything he’d ever felt before. “Besides, it honestly made me feel a little- no, a lot better to get the majority of what happened in Spain off my chest a few nights ago… so- I don’t know, maybe talking about this could possibly be good for me as well?" He added quietly, the genuine hope in his voice immediately sending Rin’s protective-instincts into overdrive; he wanted that… he really wanted Sae to feel better about himself too, if possible.

“Yes.” Rin rushed to nod with agreement, his face blooming with heat when Sae raised an amused eyebrow at his eagerness. “So- uhm…” he began quietly, his trivial embarrassment and flusteredness quickly melting under the eclipsing weight of the very serious topic they were unexpectedly about to discuss with each other. “When… when I used to- y’know, do the thing with the water-“ even just briefly mentioning it earned him a supportive, loving squeeze of the hand from Sae. “I- I used to… like it.” He admitted, his body prickling with discomfort and jitteriness as if frigid sea-spray were pelting at his sensitive skin. “I did it because it actually made me feel better… it helped me escape from all the pain- and, uhm… I was just wondering if it was the same for you?” He asked hesitantly, desperately wanting to know if Sae had shared similar sentiments as him; Rin had already spoke about this particular topic with Dr.Sato and had been quickly assured that harboring the perspective that he had towards self-harm was actually quite common among those who suffered from depression, but his fragile, child-like mind would much rather prefer receiving said assurances from his older brother’s first-hand experiences—it was a little twisted of a thing to crave, but he needed the intimacy and relatableness to feel truly at ease.

“Mm…” Sae hummed quietly, his eyes briefly flickering with something dark and so incredibly weary that it almost made Rin regret asking in the first place. “I guess you could say that it started that way- I mean, I did initially start doing it because it helped me feel grounded in the sense that it seems like yours did…” the way he trailed off instinctively made the hairs on the back of Rin’s neck prickle with discomfort and panic; somehow, despite not knowing the exact context of what would come next, his subconscious knew it would be bad. “But, at a certain point, I think it became something more like… a self-inflicted punishment.” Sae whispered, his voice so quiet that, to anyone not in the premises of their immediate bubble, would be completely inaudible… but, Rin heard it; he heard it and he didn’t think he’d ever be able to forget the way his heart sank with pure, heavy dread.

“A punishment… for not being good enough?” Rin exhaled softly, his heart shattering into a million pieces when Sae nodded; for a moment, he’d been hopeful that his initial assumption had been wrong… but, as it turned out, he’d hit the nail directly on the head. “Ni-Chan…” he sniffled out weakly, a steady stream of tears once again beginning to leak from the corners of his eyes at the realization.

“Please don’t cry, Rin… I promise that I’m better now.” Sae’s quiet, yet surprisingly steady voice assured him, his smile unfaltering when Rin cast his skeptical, disbelieving gaze onto the other. “Like I said earlier, just like you, I still have bad days- or just days where I feel particularly shitty and can’t seem to stop thinking about what I went through in Spain… but, I promise that I wouldn’t ever think about hurting myself like I used to ever again… just like I promise that, even if you might never heal entirely, things will eventually get better for you as well, Rin. Slowly, days like this one will become less and less frequent- and, hell, maybe since you’re opening up about it rather than hiding all of your problems and feelings away for years like I did, it’s possible you’ll recover even faster.” Even after having recalled such an awful, horrible experience, Sae’s number-one priority still remained laser-focused on helping Rin work through his pain and issues.

…

“I’m so sorry, Ni-Chan…” he wasn’t sure why he was apologizing, but he just felt so… so shitty in general that he couldn’t help but do it; it felt like crap knowing that, for four years, his older brother had been suffering so terribly all alone. “I- I wish you didn’t… I wish you didn’t have to go through that.” He murmured weakly, not fighting it when an arm wrapped around his upper-back and coaxed him into leaning against Sae.

“I wish you didn’t go through what you did, either, Rin…” he sighed quietly, the silence that settled between them heavy and suffocating with the weight of his older brother’s guilt. “But… it’s like you said a few days ago, we can’t really do anything about what happened… so we just have to move on and try to get better together, hm?” It was comforting to know that Sae had already embraced the give-and-take relationship dynamic that he’d had suggested a few days ago, at the very least.

“Yeah… you’re right.” Rin mumbled with a drawn-out sigh, pausing to chew on his bottom lip for a few moments before once again meeting the other’s gaze. “Do you think- or, if you don’t mind… can we talk about- y’know… all of this a little more?” He asked hesitantly, feeling slightly guilty as he didn’t want to push his big brother further than he already had if it would cause him a lot of discomfort or pain. “I just- I don’t know… it’s weird, but it feels kind of… good to talk about it, even if it’s kind of a fucked up subject. But- uhm… if you don’t want to, it’s-”

“It’s okay, Rin. You don’t need to justify your reason for asking or be so skittish about it… and, to answer, yes. We can talk about it as much as you like… I don’t mind.” Sae interrupted before he could spiral into an awkward, drawn-out ramble, his easy, mostly-unbothered response doing wonders to soothe Rin’s racing, anxious heart.

“… oh, okay. Thanks, Ni-Chan.” He mumbled timidly in thanks, his voice shy with earnest gratitude and relief; Rin was starting to understand why Sae had been able to talk for hours and hours about what he’d gone through in Spain…

Because, even as uncomfortable and humiliating as it was to talk about pain… sharing it with Sae just- well…

It just made Rin feel better.

Chapter Text

Similar to a few nights ago, their conversation lasted well beyond a mere hour’s time… and, despite the topic they were speaking about being ‘a fucked up subject’—as Rin had so eloquently put it—Sae was quite pleased to find that, just as he’d hoped, opening up about their troubles seemed to have been relieving for both of them; having gotten to opportunity to speak so candidly about a secret even more shameful than his ego-death, while also receiving the added-on bonus of knowing that his words were helping Rin relate and process his own depression was just about as good as it could possible get for Sae… plus, as embarrassing as it was to admit, he really, really like the soft, affectionate attention and intimacy he’d gotten from his little brother during and after their conversation.

He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t surprised that Rin had actually cried when he’d admitted that he used to cut himself; his little brother had expressed sympathy and concern when Sae had spoken about Spain a few days ago, but his reactions then were much more composed and calm in comparison to the panicked, desperate way he’d broken down into a fit of sobs earlier- and, look… maybe it was a little twisted and sadistic of him to be feeling this way, but it made him feel good to know that Rin loved him deeply enough to feel such pain and suffering on his behalf—he didn’t like that his little brother cried! He just… liked what the sentiments to do so were rooted in. “Hm.” He hummed out with satisfaction that he only felt a little bit guilty about, pausing to roll up his right-sleeve in preparation to chop vegetables for their dinner… but, right before he’d been about to bring the knife down onto the poor, unsuspecting carrot that would be his latest victim, a firm yet tentative hand gripped at his wrist, causing him to startle and raise an eyebrow when he turned to find Rin hovering over him with an indecipherable look flickering through his eyes. “Huh- is something wrong, Rin?” Sae frowned worriedly, not fighting it when, rather than answer, his little brother carefully maneuvered the chopping-knife out of his hand before pulling Sae’s wrist up closer to his face. “Uh- Rin?” He called out again, his eyebrows pinching in confusion… but, when he examined the other’s face with a little more intent and saw the sadness in his gaze, Sae suddenly understood the situation in full; Rin was checking for the cuts- or, rather, the scars that he’d admitted to having previously inflicted on himself earlier… and- damn, Sae wasn’t sure whether to feel heartbroken or touched that his little brother was still so-clearly hung up on and concerned about that despite the fact their conversation had ended hours ago.

“Oh- uhm… sorry, Ni-Chan.” Rin apologized suddenly, his searching daze seemingly interrupted when Sae gently and patiently pulled his arm away. “Sorry- I, uhm… I don’t know why I did that.” He grumbled out awkwardly, the tips of his ears burning red as he nervously averted his gaze and made an attempt at escaping back to the dinner-preparation task he’d been assigned before getting distracted… but, before he could, Sae chuckled softly before rolling up the sleeve of his left arm—the one he used to cut—before grabbing his little brother’s hand and maneuvering it to settle on the bare skin of his wrist.

“My skin is pale so you can’t really see them unless you know where to look…” Sae began with a weak, sad smile, pointedly gesturing towards his seemingly-porcelain, unscarred skin; unfortunately, despite his scars being practically invisible to anyone else, the thin, almost completely-imperceptible line stuck out to Sae’s tinted-vision like a sore thumb. “But, you can still feel them a little.” He explained, waiting patiently while Rin gently and tentatively traced a few of the uneven, long-healed horizontal slices he’d managed to find with feather-light, delicate pressure—it was as if he were afraid that, if he were to press too hard, Sae might wince out with pain; it an unnecessary, impractical safety-precaution, but adorable and love-filled nonetheless.

“Ni-Chan…” Rin whispered, his extremely quiet, hesitant voice heavy with sorrow and love that made Sae’s heart bloom with warmth and pride. “I hate them.” He huffed out suddenly, the blunt, slightly-startling display of detestment catching Sae off guard… but, before he could overthink or misinterpret the words, his little brother spoke again, his voice much more reserved and gentle than just a few moments ago. “Stupid… stupid Spain. I hate that they did this to you- I hate that these lines have to be here.” He sniffled unevenly, the tremble and heavy lithe of his voice alerting and directing Sae’s attention to his glassy, tear-filled eyes.

“Aww.” Sae couldn’t help but hum out quietly, barely managing to suppress the small, almost-giddy smile that tugged at the corners of his lips; seeing Rin choosing to be so vulnerable and unguarded—especially while fretting and sympathizing over his pain—would never not be the most adorable, warmth-inducing sight that Sae’s lucky eyes would ever have the grace of spectating. “Don’t worry, Rin… like I said earlier, I’m better now- plus, talking about it with you actually made me feel a lot better about it.” He hummed, shrugging and grinning openly when Rin paused to give him a startled, yet hopeful expression that made his heart melt. “Y’know, seeing you get all teary and sentimental with worry is really cute. It actually kind of cheers me up- Gah!” He gasped before he had the opportunity to finish his earnest sentence, starling and flinching backwards when a hand suddenly came up to flick him on the forehead with a decent amount of force. “Hey!” He huffed with mock indignation, pouting and scowling a little to meet Rin’s own. “I wasn’t trying to tease you… I was just being honest!” He also wasn’t actually upset right now, he was simply making a show to tease his little brother’s inability to handle embarrassment even further.

“Tch- even worse then.” Rin clicked his tongue sharply, yanking the hand on Sae’s wrist back—but, not really; the gentle, ever-so-delicate way he carefully released his wrist before quickly pulling his hand back could hardly be qualified as ‘yanking’—before flicking him on the forehead again. “Are you a damn sadist or something?” He hissed with a pointed glare, rolling his eyes when Sae’s jaw dropped with indignation and disbelief.

“Hey! I never said that! I meant it like it’s nice to see that you care about me enough to cry… not that I like seeing you cry or- what, hey! Are you laughing!? You damn annoying little shit!” Sae growled with indignation, suddenly leaping forward to wrangle Rin into a—playful, loose, and not actually-threatening—choke-hold as a means of relation when he realized the other was laughing at his floundering.

“Gah!” Rin shrieked out, his voice shrill and high as he flailed and wriggled until he was able to break free with a huff before making a show of dusting himself off with a pointedly-disgusteded expression twisting his features. “Tch- crazy bastard. First you say it cheers you up to see me cry, then you try to strangle me… psychopath!" He huffed, clearly attempting to maintain a poker-face when Sae gave him a flat look, but it wasn’t long before his composure shattered and he once again devolved into a fit of light-hearted, graceless laughter.

Huffing and resolving himself to not succumb to the laughter that threatened to escape him, Sae silently grabbed his chopping-knife and turned back to cutting the vegetables without another word as he listened to Rin snort and revel in his own amusement… but, just when he’d thought he’d survived without cracking a smile of his own, his little brother just had to go and throw him a curve-ball. “Ni-Chan.” He called out evenly, his voice still light and playful with the remnants of laughter and amusement… but, it grew impossibly soft and affectionate when he moved to rest his head against Sae’s shoulder and bring his arms up in a sort of awkwardly-positioned side-hug. “Mm… thank you.” He thanked randomly and without context, chuckling a little when Sae made a small noise of confusion and questioning. “Thank you for everything today, Ni-Chan… I was- I don’t think I would’ve survived today if you hadn’t taken the time to help me.” He sighed quietly, the raw, fragile vulnerability in his tone giving Sae whiplash from just how quickly he could redirect the entire atmosphere. “It really means a lot to me that you told me about everything you went through… it just- it makes me feel more… it just makes it feel a lot less threatening and overwhelming, I guess?” Perfect; just as Sae had been hoping, it seemed that being honest and vulnerable with Rin about his own struggles really had helped the other to relate and calm down. “Anyways- uhm… thank you a-and… I love you a lot, Ni-Chan.” He whispered so quietly it was almost inaudible but, having been desperately craving to hear the words for a second time since the first instance, the words rang loud and clear in Sae’s mind.

“I love you too, Rin.” He responded immediately and without missing a single beat despite how suddenly flustered and emotional he felt; Sae would be damned if he missed out on the opportunity to bond with his little brother in such a quick, yet impactful and intimate way. “… and, your welcome.” It felt a bit strange saying ‘you’re welcome’ while accepting gratitude for such a thing, but Sae felt he could get used to the feeling.

After around a minute or so of simply clinging onto him and nuzzling against his shoulder, Rin eventually released the embrace—much to Sae’s dismay—before silently returning back to his own dinner job, consequently leaving Sae to marvel over the very unexpected, yet touching little interactions they’d just had.

He loved where things currently were between them and the small, but incredibly-soft moments they’d shared over the course of the last few hours alone only strengthened that sentiment… but, upon the realization that his and Rin’s relationship was currently at its all-time high also came the ugly, dreaded reminder that seemed to act as a sort of ‘counter-weight’ to Sae’s hope and ecstasy anytime the two of them had a particularly good day; as much progress as they’d made, neither of them had yet to touch or even briefly glaze over what was by far the worst, most-troubling aspect of the baggage they shared: the things Sae said to his little brother during and after their first ‘official’ falling-out.

It was difficult for Sae to summon enough willpower required to contemplate this particular topic considering the comforting, sweet allure of simply choosing the option of procrastinating always hung over his head like a delicious temptation… But, seeing as he was a professional athlete used to extreme-displays of discipline, he grit his teeth—both physically and metaphorically—and braved the discomfort head on. Sae was currently faced with a predicament that—as much as he would like to—could not be put off any longer than it already had; there was only a little over a single week left before Rin’s month of therapy and ‘observation’ would come to a close—and, yes, Sae knew that, technically, if Dr.Sato or Dr.Suzuki were to deem his little brother still too unstable to be released back into society without supervision, he might have a little more time than he was anticipating… but, despite the desirable notion of not having to rush being extremely appealing, Sae definitely did not want Rin to be suspended from- well, life in general any longer; he hated the idea of his little brother being withheld from his passion and new friend if it could be avoided—meaning that, unless he was willing to put off what he was hoping would be their final confrontation to finally bring closure and shed light to the darkest parts of their past until the next time they both happened to have off from football—who knows when the hell that might be—Sae would have to lock in and make sure that conversation happened sooner than later—he couldn’t simply blindly rely on the hope that Rin would be the one to initiate things this time around- plus, seeing as the topic they would be delving into was solely Sae’s fault, it was only fair that he be the one to swallow the discomfort of bringing it up.

Soon, Sae would have to trust that every soft, intimate, loving moment they’d shared together over the course of this past month would be strong enough to survive the true test that would determine the fate of their relationship together…

He would have to trust that, no matter how difficult, he and Rin’s bond would prevail.

Chapter Text

“-if you don’t mind me asking before I officially close our session, Rin… has anything significant or out of the ordinary recently happened- and, by recent, I mean from our last session to our current one?” Dr.Sato hummed out in questioning with a tilt of the head, his sky-blue eyes sparkling with a mixture of curiosity and something else Rin couldn’t quite identify… but, nonetheless, he had already grown quite comfortable speaking with the man before him so, regardless of his mild-confusion and hesitancy, he knew better than to doubt or deflect the doctor’s sometimes-odd and seemingly-random questions

“Well… just yesterday me and Sae sat down and- I don’t know, we kind talked a little bit about my depression so, if that counts as ‘significant’, then that, I guess?” Rin answered with a nonchalant shrug, mentally willing the almost-instinctive, irrational surge of anxiety that accompanied not having a set-in-stone, foolproof answer to the question; at this point, he trusted Dr.Sato deeply—in fact, it was actually a little startling just how much he’d come to rely on someone who, in certain aspects, could still arguably be considered a stranger—and knew that being self-conscious or feeling the need to ‘perform correctly’ in the face of the other’s questions was entirely irrational… but, he had to occasionally remind himself to relax and recall the fact that this was indeed a safe-space of ‘no judgment’.

“Ah, I see. That makes sense.” Dr.Sato hummed lightly, most-likely sensing Rin’s slight-unrest as he quickly moved to explain the root and reasoning that motivated his question; the thoughtful, considerate gesture and acknowledgement of his feelings—as irrational and borderline-trivial as they may be—was not lost on Rin’s grateful, relieved heart and mind. “I was simply asking because, to me, you seem to be doing a lot better today in particular, Rin- and, when taking into account that your mood and mental-health in general seemed to be improving rapidly regardless, that’s saying quite a lot.” He mused thoughtfully, flashing an earnest smile of assurance when Rin paused to give him a skeptical, yet hopeful and almost-excited look.

“…Really?” While true that opening up and just conversing with Sae in general about their shared experiences had done wonders to soothe the mildly-tumulous storm of self-doubt and insecurity that occasionally plagued him on particularly poor days, Rin was a bit excited to have his hopes that he was indeed continuing to get better externally assured by Dr.Sato’s observation and acknowledgment. “That’s good.” He hummed to himself quietly, not even trying to suppress the small, giddy smile that tugged on the corners of his lips upon the good news; honestly, with the month-long deadline soon to be approaching its end, Rin had been somewhat-anxious that his little ‘relapse’ would hinder his chances at being released and admitted back into Bluelock… so, hearing from his therapist—the man in charge of deciding his fate—that he had improved noticeably enough to be praised about it was extremely reassuring.

“That is indeed very good, Rin.” Dr.Sato chuckled lightheartedly, shaking his head with mild-amusement as he stood up from his chair and efficiently organized his files before allowing himself to be escorted downstairs where a very eager, bright-eyed Sae was already waiting for them—his stupid, embarrassing Ni-Chan seemed to acquire an inexplicable amount of joy when listening to the praises and assurances Dr.Sato had to say about Rin, so he usually made the habit of parking himself at the bottom of the stairs in preparation for their briefing… and, much to Rin’s exasperation and embarrassment, today was one of those days; though, not that he actually minded the gesture in the slightest- actually, if anything, it was actually quite sweet and touching to see his big brother so eager on his behalf.

“I’m glad that the professional himself also noticed that you’ve been doing especially well today.” Sae mused with a bright, cheerful grin after waving Dr.Sato ‘goodbye’, stepping forward to affectionately ruffle and mess up Rin’s hair before patting him on the back and coaxing him along towards the living room.

“Is it that noticeable?” Rin hummed curiously, tilting his head while attempting to recall the day’s events from wake-up to currently; he had woken up feeling particularly refreshed, motivated, and eager—eager for what, he wasn’t quite sure yet—meaning that he’d practically buzzed with energy as he’d gone about his morning yoga, nutritious breakfast, and habitual ‘text Isagi routine’… so- well, yeah? He supposed that, with hindsight and the help of an external perspective, today had been particularly refreshing so far.

“It is.” Sae assured without missing a beat, his eyes and voice blazing with earnestness so passionate it made Rin’s cheeks tingle with mild second-hand-embarrassment… But, before he could tease his older brother’s obnoxious—but again, very sweet and touching—eagerness, something else flickered through the Sae’s expression that bled into and weighed down his voice when he spoke again. “So- uhm… I was wondering if you wanted to do something today?” He blurted out randomly and without warning, the blatant hesitancy and anxiety coating his tone catching Rin’s attention and consequently prompting his eyebrows to pinch with confusion. “I mean- like… do you want to go eat out somewhere, walk around the mall and catch a movie again, or just head out in general?” He rushed to clarify, the jittery, hurried way he spoke sounding Rin’s internal ‘alarm-bells’; this kind of question and offer was far from new and unexplored, so why did Sae seem so hesitant to ask?

“Uh- sure?” Rin answered with a still slightly-confused shrug and tilt of the head, unable to decipher what might’ve caused his big brother’s newfound, somewhat-odd behavior… but, seeing as it didn’t seem to be harmful or a hindrance to either of them—yet—Rin saw no reason to make a big deal out of it or reject his request simply due to its presence; besides, heading outside for some sort of fresh air or excitement sounded nice regardless. “Hm… maybe not the mall, though? It’s fun and all, but I just don’t feel up for it.” He reasoned mostly to himself, pursing his lips as he racked his mind for something they could find to entertain themselves aside from the mall.

“Oh- uhm… hold on, then.” Sae frowned, almost dropping his phone onto the floor as he scrambled to yank it out of his pocket and haphazardously search through it, presumably searching for something that could find to entertain themselves with. “Maybe- uh… the zoo?” He offered with a strangely-forced smile, as if he were some sort of street-artist desperate to con Rin into agreeing to something.

“The zoo? I don’t think I’ve even been to a zoo once in the last- what, seven years?” Rin huffed with mild-amusement and skepticism. “Where did you even get that idea?” He chuckled, a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips when Sae visibly flushed before returning to furiously scrolling through his phone; he wasn’t sure why his big brother was acting so… frantic, but it was honestly a little bit funny to watch.

“Then how about… a museum?” What the hell- that was an even stranger suggestion than the zoo? Seriously, what was up with Sae right now? Why did he seem so dead-set on them going out to do something today? “It’s- uh… I don’t know, you used to like it when you were younger, right? You liked looking at the big dinosaur fossils and stuff…” he sighed with a weak, exasperated shrug, his frown deepening and eyebrows pinching as he continued to scroll through his phone.

“Tch- fine, let’s go then.” Rin huffed with a roll of the eyes; the sight of Sae fretting over something so seemingly-trivial was hilarious, but he didn’t want his big brother to stress out too much—he still didn’t know why this in particular seemed to important to Sae, but he didn’t really mind or care to give him a difficult time for no reason. “What?” He clicked his tongue with feigned impatience, shrugging and lighting jabbing Sae’s shoulder in a display of affection and assurance. “You’re clearly desperate to get out of the house, so why not? I don’t particularly care about museums anymore, but I don’t mind going, seeing as it’s technically a change of pace outside of the house.” He reasoned lightly, unable to suppress the small grin that stretched across his lips when the tension in Sae’s posture visibly relaxed a little bit.

“You’re sure?” He hummed, the corners of his lips twitching into a slight frown. “I don’t want you to go just because you feel forced-“ he began, but Rin didn’t feel like entertaining his nervous fretting; Sae could sometimes dig his heels into the sand when he felt particularly anxious or stubborn about a subject.

“I don’t feel forced- you know I wouldn’t agree if I didn’t want to.” Rin clicked his tongue, making a pointed show out of grabbing the stray hoodie he’d thrown onto the couch-arm and wiggling it in front of his older brother’s face. “C’mon, first you try extra hard to get me out of the house, then you’re skeptical about me agreeing? I don’t know what’s bothering you right now, but lighten up.” He huffed, something like a bratty pout twisting his expression when Sae still didn’t look convinced; this situation would call for dirty, underhanded tricks. “Please, Ni-Chan? I don’t care about the museum, but I agreed to go because I wanna spend time with you…” he trailed off with a purposefully-meek shrug and frown, internally smirking devilishly when, predictably, Sae’s usually-relentless stubbornness caved almost immediately—what? It was his fault for being so weak to sentimental stuff like this.

“Really?” Sae breathed out, his turquoise eyes twinkling with that adorable glimmer of soft, yearning hope that Rin—although he’d never admit it aloud—loved to see whenever he pulled a trick like this; it was a win-win situation for both of them. “Ah- okay, then… I’m- I’ll go get ready- and I'll call an Uber, so don’t worry about that.” He rushed to explain as he practically stumbled over his own two feet while attempting to multitask talking, power-walking, and fumbling with his phone all at once—seriously, since when had his Ni-Chan gotten so clumsy? It was pretty damn hilarious and endearing so Rin was not complaining, but still?

With a small, satisfied smile, Rin let himself fall backwards onto the couch with an exasperated, yet amused sigh and shake of the head. “Such a stupid Ni-Chan.” He chuckled to himself quietly, welcoming the way his heart and chest bloomed with affection and warmth for his older brother’s endearing clumsiness and awkwardness; even when they were children, he didn’t think that Sae had ever acted as goofy and lost as he occasionally did now days, but it definitely wasn’t a bad thing by any means- which is why, despite his deployment of what some might consider underhanded-tactics to convince his brother into acceptance earlier, Rin hadn't actually lied or fabricated false-emotion when he’d spoken.

He didn’t really care where they went or what they did… as long as his precious Ni-Chan was beside him, Rin would be more than happy to participate.

Chapter Text

Sae knew that he was probably acting weird and that Rin most likely noticed… but, at the same time, his little brother didn’t seem to be all that bothered by his unnatural insistence to bond outside of the house, so he didn’t let his anxiety get the better of him—yet; his future-self would soon be laughing at his presently perceived-success—plus, the adorable, impossibly-touching way Rin was willing to forsake his mild-disinterest in museums just to spend time with him really helped to soothe his nerves. “What are you thinking about, Ni-Chan?” Rin hummed out curiously, the sound of his light, unbothered voice startling Sae out of his dazed contemplation.

“Hm? Oh, it’s nothing.” Yeah… that was a total lie. In truth, the reason Sae had been so insistent about them doing something fun or simply just bonding did indeed have a hidden-agenda and purpose hidden beneath the poorly-crafted veil; he was hoping that, by harnessing the momentum of Rin already-good day by adding a fun, memorable experience on top of it, Sae might just be able to get his little brother in a good-enough mood to boost the odds of their final confrontation not going down in flames—he was planning on treading lightly and feeling out the atmosphere before making any bold moves but, if all went to plan today, he did intend to somehow finesse and direct towards the subject in a hopefully-seamless way. “Did you know that the museum apparently added more to their dinosaur fossil collection?” He blurted out randomly, feeling slightly put-off by the extended period of silence that passed between them—the Uber driver wasn’t making any attempt at talking; it was an appreciated gesture, but also a bit of a double-edged sword at this particular moment.

“Hm.” Rin hummed in acknowledgment, shrugging casually before once again redirecting his attention towards his phone. “That’s cool, I guess.” Damn- he really didn’t care about museums anymore at all, huh? Despite being reassured and having resolved himself to not allow his anxiety to get the better of him, Sae couldn’t help the small, uncomfortable twinge of his nerves flaring and jumping with antsyness—despite the fact that it most-likely wouldn’t make all that much of a difference, Sae really wanted the rest of the day to progress as seamlessly as possible; the more fun Rin had, the higher the chances of their final confrontation going off without too much of a hitch.

“Yeah.” Sae nodded stiffly, hating the way this newfound pressure suddenly made it impossibly to feel anything but incredibly awkward and tense around his little brother. “Cool…” he muttered under his breath with a sigh, nervously fiddling with his hands as he endured to torturously-long drive…

Though, despite what Sae perceived to be time itself slowing and creaking along soley to spite and torture him, it realistically wasn’t very long before they arrived at their destination; luckily, the change it environment prompted Rin to put his phone down and converse with him directly, sparing Sae the irrational anxiety of somehow correlating his little brother’s mild-disinterest with Rin actually just secretly resenting and avoiding him. “Did you buy the tickets online or something, or do we have to wait in line to enter?” Rin hummed curiously, his upbeat, patient tone the only thing that spared Sae the anxiety of having to answer with the latter; if he hadn’t luckily been feeling patient, waiting in a line for too long could’ve possibly annoyed or soured Rin’s experience! Sae couldn’t afford such trivial, stupid inconveniences frustrating his little brother when the future of their relationship essentially hung on the balance of his mood! “Oh- huh, this place looks a lot different than I remember?” Was his lamenting implied to be negative or positive? Did Rin not like the change? Had coaxing him into coming here been a mistake on Sae’s part!? Had he ruined everything!? Would this- “it’s actually pretty nice… the renovations make it look less dusty and boring.” Oh- okay… what a relief; Sae wasn’t sure if he would’ve had the power to somehow do something about the interior design of the building if Rin decided he hated it—he would’ve given it his damn best effort, though!

“Yeah- uhm… so what do you want to check out first?” Sae asked clumsily, a frown tugging at the corner of his lips when, rather than be met with even the slightest-inkling of passion or interest, Rin simply shrugged again with a nonchalance that once again hammered in the notion that he really didn’t care to be here specifically—damnit, Sae shouldn’t have caved so easily just because his little brother had given him those adorable puppy-dog eyes! He should’ve worked harder to find something Rin actually wanted to do! “Hey- uh, how about we go check out the T.Rex fossil they have in the main dinosaur-exhibit room?” He offered hurriedly as a last-ditch-resort, hoping that his memory of child-Rin really adoring that display in particular wasn’t a false-recollection of some sort.

“Sure, Ni-Chan.” Damnit- ‘sure’ was the only reaction that suggestion had managed? That wasn’t good enough; Sae needed to find something that would get Rin excited! If all he could evoke were nonchalant, only mildly-interested responses, then Sae might as well just kiss his chances of their confrontation going well goodbye! Shit… well, at the very least, his suggestion might be able to earn a little bit of nostalgia-points and- “Tch, they got rid of it?” Rin’s disappointed, slightly-annoyed voice cut through Sae’s thoughts like a knife, prompting his skin to prickle with a mixture of horror, exasperation, and annoyance of his own.

Seriously? They advertised ‘new dinosaur fossils!’ but got rid of the one dinosaur that everyone—most importantly, Rin—always looked forward to seeing the most!? Aw- c’mon… was the universe trying to screw him over today? “Oh my god…” Sae whispered wearily, a stressed-out hand running anxiously through his now-disbelieved hair as begrudgingly and hatefully took in the sight of the lame, half-baked parasaur-fossil that stood where the T.Rex used to be—who even liked parasaurs? They were ugly, herbivores, and just- they weren’t going to interest or entertain Rin in the way Sae needed right now… so, as of today, he hated them- yeah, that’s right; Because of this singular-encounter, Sae now dubbed parasaurs to be his least favourite dinosaur ever—he hadn’t even cared or had a list beforehand, either; that’s how agitated and bitter he was right now. “Alright then-“ he huffed, choosing to convert his frustration into passion and energy that he could hopefully use to turn this subpar museum-visit around. “-How about… oh! That's right, what about the megalodon-jaw display that you took a picture in front of that one time?” There was no way the museum management would decide to remove what—if Sae remembered correctly—had always been one of their most-popular, beloved attractions-

“Ah, they got rid of that one too.” Rin frowned with mild-disappointment, utterly unaware of the internal-crashout Sae was experiencing in the depths of his sanity-strained mind. “That kind of sucks… but, oh well-“

“The titanosaur! They must still have that one!” Sae interrupted, not even waiting for any sort of acknowledgment or response before snatching his little brother’s hand and hurrying off into the direction of where he knew Rin’s third-favourite dinosaur-fossil had to be waiting- “are you fucking kidding me?” He screeched angrily, his volume a little too loud to be appropriate for the quiet, otherwise-peaceful space they were in. “This goddamn-"

“Ni-Chan?” Rin’s patient, yet somewhat-pointed voice called out to him, interrupting Sae in the midst of his rage-fest before it could get too out of hand. “Are you- uh… are you good?” He asked while purposefully keeping his voice down in an attempt to redirect attention and interest away from them, his expression one of concern and worry, but also confusion and exasperation at the same time. “You seem a little… tense?”

With a weak, defeated sigh, Sae simply shook his hand, pausing to run an exasperated hand through his hair before forcing a nonchalant, relaxed smile and shrugging casually. “Nothing’s wrong, I'm just… it’s nothing.” He should write a book with how much of a master at poetic-linguistics that he was—that was bitter, self-loathing sarcasm, if it wasn’t clear.

He had been anticipating for Rin to latch-on and stubbornly press and insist for answers… but, even when his little brother simply frowned with an indecipherable look in his eye, Sae barely had the time to celebrate being temporarily let off the hook before his mind once again found something to fret over. “Okay, Ni-Chan…” Rin hummed out quietly with a perceivedly-droopy shrug, the reservation in his voice causing Sae’s heart to sink with mortification—shit, this was not good; Sae had been so caught up and preoccupied with the notion of the museum being too-subpar and disappointing that he hadn’t even paused to consider that his own frantic, obviously-unsettled behavior might be what eventually worked to weigh down Rin’s spirits instead!

“Ah- uhm… yeah.” Sae stumbled out awkwardly, mentally berating himself for, one, not having planned out their outside-activity better and, two, for not having the willpower to just tear of the bandage by calmly and maturely explaining his intentions to Rin like a the proper-adult that he should be by now rather than trying to sneakily butter him up and get him into a good mood. “Uh- how about we try over there?” He offered stiffly, chewing his lip and mentally berating himself when Rin seemed to regard him for a few moments before shrugging and nodding with that same exact completely indecipherable expression and posture.

The remainder of their trip to the museum went something along the lines of this exact formula: Sae would attempt to get Rin to engage in something, he would with mild, somewhat-detached disinterest, and then Sae would proceed to internally freak-out and over-analyze each and every one of his little brother’s micro-expressions whilst naturally assuming the worst… so- yeah, he could consider this outing a complete and utter failure—not only had he not been able to coax Rin into a better mood, but Sae was convinced that his strange, forced behavior had actually worked to do the complete opposite of what he’d been hoping to achieve! “Godamnit…” he cursed to himself quietly, slumping and letting his head fall back against the back of the chair as Rin buckled himself in the seat beside him before their Uber began the equally long and tortuous drive back home; with the added weight of having failed, the second trip was even worse.

When he’d seen how good of a mood Rin had been in this morning, Sae had been certain that his plan would go off without a hitch and that, by now, he’d have managed to successfully communicate express his desire for their final confrontation to happen today… but, seeing as everything about the museum had been such a spectacular failure, there was no well in hell that he could- “Ni-Chan?” Rin’s steady, but still-indechiperable voice called out to him just as he’d managed to wriggle out of his hoodie and throw it down onto the couch with a blatant amount of frustration behind the gesture; his little brother was undoubtedly going to tease or even blame him for ruining what had been a good day.

With another weak, defeat exhale, Sae decided that, regardless of whether or not he would be actually explaining his intentions to Rin today, he should at the very least apologize for practically dragging his little brother out to a disappointing function that he hadn’t even wanted to attend in the first place. “I’m sorry.” He blurted out without warning, internally cringing when the sound of Rin shuffling behind him suddenly stopped, the pause no doubt a testimony to his agreeance of Sae’s failure. “I’m… I feel bad for having dragged you out to the museum when you clearly didn't have a good time at all.” He apologized quietly, the typical, expected self-loathing and guilt of what should have been a seamless, easily-executed fun experience failing miserably crashing over him.

“… huh? What are you talking about?” Rin sounded so genuinely confused and dumbfounded that Sae couldn’t help but whip his head around to see if his little brother was possibly messing with or even mocking him… but, if the earnest, curious expression he wore was anything to go off of, his question was sincere. “I’m- okay, look… I wasn’t going to push it because you seemed really hesitant to answer—plus we were in public—but, what’s going on with you today, Ni-Chan? Don’t pretend like something isn’t wrong, because whatever the hell you were doing in the museum earlier is all the physical-evidence I need to prove that you’ve been acting weird today.” As always, leave it to Rin to directly call out and confront him; Sae really wished he could be a bit more like his little brother sometimes… God knows it would have saved him a lot of stress and the incoming-headache he was getting if he’d just been able to be straightforward about wanting to talk…

But, he supposed that, seeing as they had somehow arrived at a point of confrontation regardless—if not exactly the one Sae had been planning for—he might as well just take the opportunity to be honest and straightforward…

Just as he’d been intending to before having a full-blown anxiety-attack earlier, Sae might as well just get everything over with.

Chapter Text

In all honesty, despite knowing that something was very-obviously bothering Sae—him essentially crashing-out in a public museum for seemingly zero reason paired with the fact that he’d been acting a little strange before they even left the house had been all the indicators necessary—Rin, after having his initial few attempts at lightly-confronting and communicating shut down, had been willing to simply give his big brother space seeing as he clearly didn’t want to speak about the source of his troubles at the moment—plus, they had been in a public space; not the best environment for a heart-to-heart—but, Sae blurting out an apology for such an odd, inexplicable thing while having apparently drawn an equally as odd conclusion about Rin’s enjoyment of the museum—which had been flat out wrong, mind you; he hadn’t disliked the experience by any means—had been the final straw; whatever the hell this was, it was clearly bothering his big brother to the point of feeling apparent-guilt for no logical reason—atleast, that Rin knew of—meaning that the problem was at least somewhat-harmful and evoking self-destructive tendencies in Sae- so, yeah… Rin now refused to let this newfound problem go unchecked. “Well, Ni-Chan?” His stern, pointed voice called out expectantly; he didn’t prefer to be so harsh and demanding… but, if acting bossy and borderline-pushy was what it took to rescue Sae from his self-destructive spiraling, Rin would endure.

With a weak, exasperated sigh—he’d been doing that a lot today; just another piece of physical-evidence that something was genuinely wrong—Sae spun on his heel to face Rin directly, his expression pinched with discomfort, yet an unexpected, inexplicable determination. “I wanted today to go well.” He responded simply, the straightforward, yet context-lacking answer only fueling Rin’s confusion… but, before he could open his mouth to ask questions, Sae hurried to clarify with a startling amount of candidness. “The reason I was so insistent about us getting out of the house was because I was hoping that, if we were to bond or maybe just do something exciting together, it might put you in a really good mood…” he trailed off with a shrug, his eyebrows pinching with discomfort and what looked like momentary-falter before the latter vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. “And, before you even ask… the reason I wanted you in a good mood was because- it… was because I was hoping that, today, we might be able to… y’know, sit down and have another one of those talks about-“ his voice cracked and, even before he managed to regain his composure and finish, Rin knew what he meant. “About that part of our past- since… y’know, there’s only about a week left before the month ends and- and we probably won’t be able to see each other like this for a while if we don’t work through this now, and I just thought that you being in an extra good mood or just… feeling sentimental would make that easier for both of us… so- yeah.” He cut himself off suddenly, his chest heaving with a mixture of what Rin identified as physical exertion and anxiety. “Yeah…” Sae repeated stiffly, appearing as if he wanted to explain himself further but hit a roadblock in his supply of adequate words; he looked stressed the fuck out… but, rather than comfort his older brother immediately like he normally would’ve liked to, Rin had to take a few moments to thouroughly process the multiple revelations and surprises that Sae’s admittance had unwrapped and promptly sprung directly at him.

First and foremost, Rin was honestly a little taken aback that Sae had gone out of his way to enact a plan created with the hopes of initiating what would most-likely be the final, all-encompassing confrontation of their past—at least, the last major one; there would always be details and minor-questions to be visited in the future—seeing as he hadn’t actually taken that initiative before; Rin had been the one two set-up and coax the two confrontations they’d already had along… so- yeah, it wasn’t so much the fact that Sae wanted this to happen now that was surpsing—it would have to happen sooner than later regardless—but the way he’d apparently felt so pressured and determined to be the one to boldly attempt at initiating for the first time that left him a little bit awe-truck… but, that was only one of notions that gripped him in the moment.

The second thing that Rin had to take the time to process, was the uncomfortable, borderline-crippling anxiety that, if only for a few moments, had surged and stabbed at his heart, consequently prompting the chilling, foreboding warnings of a storm quickly approaching; while it was true that, regardless of Sae acting on his own to speed things along, Rin had actually been contemplating initiating this conversation sometime in the next few days… but, being caught off guard paired with the suffocating notion that this—what was by far the worst, most traumatic experience of their past—would now be happening even sooner than anticipated was mortifying… but, again, there was still one more layer of confusion and contemplation left in the mixing pot for Rin to process.

As contradictory and seemingly-trivial in comparison to the other two notions, Rin also couldn’t ignore that—as odd as it sounds given how genuinely freaked-out he currently was—he felt surprisingly touched and even… proud—was that even the right word for the strange, somehow warm sensation that rooted itself in his heart? It was strange- but, if he were to explain it to the best of his abilities, Rin would say he just felt… well- it just felt good to see Sae making such a thought-out, complex—if unnecessarily-so—effort towards this; it felt good to see his big brother putting in so much work and effort into confronting this particular aspect of their past… which is why, despite how conflicted and skeptical Rin remained of this sudden, unexpected development, the emotion that once again won out, was the initial sympathy for his brother’s current troubles—poor thing… he most-likely thought that he’d messed everything up simply because Rin hadn’t been totally enthralled by the museum? He’d been bored- yeah… but he hadn’t hated or detested it like Sae so-clearly was assuming; anxiety and panic would do that to a fellow. “Ni-Chan…” he called out quietly, taking a deep, steadying breath and momentarily casting aside the cacophony of confusing, borderline-terrifying emotions swirling through him in favor of dealing with the problem directly in front of him; he would have time to figure out how to proceed further after they calmed down a little. “Ni-Chan.” He repeated with a little more insistence when, rather than meet his gaze, Sae’s eyes remained downcast as his shoulders hunched forward; it looked like he wanted to disappear.

“Sorry… I’m sorry I sprung it on you like that. I just- I was planning for things to go a lot better than… this.” Sae blurted out suddenly, his lips pressed into a thin, wavering line that spoke leagues of his unnecessary disheartedness—seriously, despite it being a little rocky and not as smooth as he’d so-clearly been hoping, if Sae’s desire was to transition and initiate this topic, then hadn’t he succeeded regardless of the museum was overly entertaining or not? Sure- it hadn’t done much to put Rin in an ‘amazing’ mood, but he wasn’t in a bad one either? If his stupid, short-sighted big brother could just ditch the bias-tinted lenses and see reality for what it really was, he’d realize that, realistically, he’d achieved what he’d set out to do? “I’m sorry-“ he tried to apologize again, but Rin was not having this right now; if Sae wanted to stress about the actually-intimidating idea of their confrontation happening sooner than later, he could knock himself out because it was a genuine, reasonable thing to worry about… but, Rin wouldn’t entertain such trivial, unnecessary self-loathing from his big brother simply because he was feeling self-deprecating.

“Stop it, Ni-Chan.” Yeah, he felt a little bad about the way Sae immediately snapped his mouth shut and flinched back as if he’d been physically hit… but, at the same time, Rin usually found that a certain amount of sternness was required for situations like this. “Stupid… What are you even apologizing for right now?” He huffed with a roll of the eyes, seeing no reason to not simply get straight to the point. “First of all, did I not already tell you beforehand that, even though I don’t care about museums, I went because I wanted to spend time with you? You’re so overly-stressed and controlling that you forgot that ‘bonding’ and ‘doing something exciting’ is literally as easy as walking around a lukewarm, boring museum together… it’s not like me having a good day depended on a few fossils being present.” he sighed, shaking his head with mild-exasperation; how could Sae have missed the point of Rin agreeing to the museum in the first place when he’d literally verbally expressed his sentiments right before they’d even left? He didn’t give a fuck that they’d gotten rid of the dinosaur-fossils he used to like when he was a kid, and that most definitely hadn’t translated to the whole trip being a failure. “And, why are you apologizing for expressing that you want to talk? It’s your right as much as it is mine to communicate what you want- especially since this topic specifically affects both of us… so, I don’t understand why you’re apologizing, or why you so-clearly think that your plan was a failure? We left the house, I had a decent time, we bonded over you crashing the fuck out over missing dinosaur-fossils and, in the end, you successfully told me that you want to talk more about what happened in the past, right? Doesn’t that check all the boxes you were so quick to assume that you ‘failed’ at, Ni-Chan?” God damn, Rin better get some sort of award for how amazing—in his not-so-humble opinion—he’d gotten at making heartfelt, pointed speeches like this over the course of the last month; Sae’s self-esteem would have died if it weren’t for him working so hard on his commutation skills.

“… oh.” Was the only response that came from his older brother’s mouth, his expression one of taken aback confusion and shock. “Yeah, but…” he began, quickly trailing off and giving Rin a sheepish, lost look before averting his gaze and shrugging with a small, incoherent murmur.

“Tch- finally realized how extra you were being?” Rin sighed with exasperation, striding forward until he and Sae were at arms length of each other. “Look… Ni-Chan, I know that this is… well- it’s different.” He whispered out quietly, his fingertips twitching with a surge uncomfortable-adrenaline as he slowly allowed his mind to drift back to the nerve-wracking, borderline-terrifying notion of what this final confrontation would mean. “I know that this type of conversation isn’t- it’s not gonna be as easy as the other two were… not by a mile.” He admitted with an audible gulp, his body instinctively shuddering with discomfort as his heart squeezed and prickled with the ghost of a pain he had long been dancing and tiptoeing around. “But- just… try to loosen up, okay? Look, I appreciate the effort you put into trying to make today special and ‘extra good’… so I-“ his voice cracked and, with it, the majority of the steady confidence he felt from earlier shattering along with it; it seemed that he could only cast-aside the surging, towering waves of emotion that clung to this particular subject like a thick, obscuring mist for so long before its heavy, foreboding implications took its toll on his ability to remain calm. “… so let’s just- I’m… you wanna talk about it and I- I guess I’m ready to talk about it too… So, how about we take a little time to relax, cool-off, and maybe shower… then talk about it before bed like how we did last time?” He offered stiffly, not intending to project himself as awkward and tense as he undoubtedly did… but he couldn’t help it; driven by sympathy, he’d had intentions of giving Sae a passionate, encouraging speech before finding a way to cheer him up… but, Rin didn’t think he would have it in him to do so anymore—don’t get him wrong… he still felt sympathetic and did want to encourage and soothe his big brother’s obvious discomfort, but the suffocating, intimidating weight of their upcoming confrontation made it almost impossible to think about anything beyond remaining calm enough to fend off the panic that wanted to seize him.

“… yeah.” Sae nodded dully and it seemed that, despite Rin’s speech, he didn’t seem to be very soothed beyond his initially-perceived failures; most likely because—similarly to the realization Rin himself was currently reaching—his success essentially opened the door to what was by far the biggest hurdle they’d have to confront if this—their ever-improving relationship—were to truly work out for the long-run. “Yeah… I’ll- im gonna head upstairs and take a shower.” He hummed out flatly, his eyes—although downcast and somewhat-hidden by his messy-bangs—practically screaming with a fear and discomfort that Rin himself could relate to all-too-well… which is why, the second Sae’s droopy, off-balance figure had ascended up the stairs and out of sight, Rin all but collapsed backwards onto the couch, his chest heaving as he forced himself to take deep, hopefully-steadying breaths as he fought against the wave of pure dread and pain that suddenly crashed over and through him; he’d gotten so used to sunlight and sparkling, glassy waters that he’d almost forgotten this feeling… this fear.

Sae ghosting him for four years in Spain had hurt; that was undeniable… but, those somewhat-reasonable, actions had been understandable—to an extent—not horribly severe, and had also been something that, upon being explained in greater, Rin had been able to sympathize with, consequently lessening a lot of the bitterness, resentment, and hurt he’d felt towards his older brother for perceivedly-abandoning him… but, this- this was something that, no matter how good of reason Sae could possibly have as an explanation, could never—NEVER—be justified, reasonable, or something to be sympathized with… the things his older brother had said- had done to him was not something that Rin felt he could ever truly forgive even if a lifetime were to pass… which was precisely why he was so fucking scared right now.

He wanted his and Sae’s relationship to continue to improve and blossom in the way that it had been over the course of the past month… but, despite being desperate enough to possibly forsake his own bias and emotions to a certain extent if it meant the peace and kinship they’d built could continue on, Rin wasn’t certain if something like that could be applied to the contents of this confrontation specifically; Sae had hurt him- he’d shattered him… and, now that he was once again being forced to face that same crushing, tumultuous notion head-on, he could no longer say with utmost confidence that they’d be able to work through it…

Because, if just the mere thought of even just talking about what his big brother had done to him was this oppressive and petrifying… how could Rin be certain that, once this was all said and done, things would still be able to flow like they had been so far?

How could Rin be certain that this wouldn’t once again tear them apart?

Chapter Text

Sae stood under the frigid, pelting spray of the shower-head with his head hung low, his shoulder’s hunched forward, and his eyes closed as he desperately attempted to find even the slightest semblance of reprieve and calm in the steady, rhythmic-sound of water-droplets splattering consistently against the tiled-wall… but, predictably, his drawn-out efforts were in complete and utter vain; the twisting, gnawing dread clawing and coiling around his heart, mind, and even soul could hardly be soothed or find solace in something as superficial as cheap, shallow ‘calming-techniques’. “Damnit…” He cursed quietly, his breathy, strained words drowned out by the buzzing, drumming sound of water that he’d been attempting to find comfort in just mere moments ago. “Damnit.” He repeated again, his canine-tooth piercing his bottom lip with enough force to draw blood that trickled down his chin and onto the floor below in a surprisingly-steady, almost-enthralling scene… but, when a striking, agonizing memory suddenly tore its way to the forefront of his mind, Sae was forced to squeeze his eyes shut tightly as a gruesome bout of nausea bubbled up in the back of his throat. “Rin…” he exhaled stiffly, his clenched-fist trembling violently as he recalled the night of his little brother’s attempted-suicide in horrifically-vivid detail that might be compared to that of a photographic-memory: tendrils of the pitch-black void swirling and imposing closer from every angle, the fierce, thunderous wail of destructive, foreboding gusts of wind whipping at his numb, soaked-to-the-bone skin… and, worst of all, the thrashing, ever-shifting pool of lightless, swirling ink that practically latched onto and dragged Rin’s head down and below it’s unforgiving surface as he willing let it take him.

He’d wanted the ocean to take him… because Rin had wanted to die.

…

Sae had almost allowed himself to feel relief and comfort when, half-way through Rin’s logical, purposefully-comforting encouragement, he’d realized that, in an accidental sort of manner, he had actually successfully achieved his original goal of initiating what he hoped would be their final confrontation… but, that's when the weight of the notion truly sank in; success—even accidental—meant that this was happening- which… yeah, that had been the goal from the very beginning—from the second Sae had seen his little brother’s unconscious, limp, but still-alive figure laying perfectly-still in his hospital bed—but… reaching this conversation and actually going through with it were two very different things; Sae still faced the foreboding, almost-petrifying task of facing his disgusting, inhumane mistakes head-on with Rin—the person who’d been subjected to said cruelties—as his judge. “I’m so fucked.” He chuckled to himself bitterly, running an expected hand through his soaked, ruffled hair as he yanked the shower-knob to ‘off’, haphazardously toweled himself off and got dressed, and threw himself down onto the guest-room bed gracelessly; despite having already spent well over an hour standing around in the shower, Sae didn’t think he could face his little brother downstairs quite yet—they weren’t actually going to sit down and officiate their ‘talk’ until later, but still.

As Sae laid there half-hoping that the bed-sheets would miraculously surge to life and swallow his very existence whole, he closed his eyes, welcoming the rush of guilt, self-hatred, and terror that seized at his aching, throbbing heart with all the ferocity of a vice attempting to squeeze the very life out of him. “What am I supposed to do…?” He whispered to himself weakly, his dry, scratchy throat tightening with a barely-suppressed sob—there wasn’t anything he could do; the only job assigned to Sae today was to answer Rin’s questions, apologize like his life depended on it, and act as a comfort-pillow- or, let’s be more realistic… a punching-bag, when his little brother’s bottled-up emotions eventually broke free. “Heh.” Sae snickered with a sort of masochistic smirk, a spark of twisted, yet genuine amusement flickering through his otherwise-tight, knotted chest; in a strange way, it would most-likely help relieve a portion of Sae’s guilt if he could atone with physical-pain… but, almost as quickly as the amusing-notion had danced through his mind, it vanished, once again replaced by the guilt, self-hatred, and resentment he’d been stewing in this entire time; physical-pain would be too shallow and short-lived of a true punishment for his mistakes… promptly reminding Sae that, if things didn’t go well later—or, as well as they possibly could given the absolute-shit circumstances—he would be atoning in a manner much, much worse than being punched in the face:

Rin would leave.

Despite how desperate he was to delude himself into remaining positive and ‘hoping for the best’, Sae knew better than to assume that it wasn’t a very-likely possibility; it didn’t matter that they’d survived their first two confrontations with relative ease, or that their relationship-dynamic was currently at an all-time high—save for when they were younger- y’know, before Sae had regressed into a literally piece of scum that had ruined everything—because, no matter how much their relationship had improved, repaired, and re-blossomed, the true test of durability would come when they finally quit dancing and skirting along the edges of this; the heart of their still-broken, shattered bond.

Every soft, intimate moment they’d shared…

Every funny, unserious laugh, joke, or tease…

Every desperate, emotional hug given or received as they both shed tears of shared pain…

None of it would matter if Rin left.

…

Fueled by something he couldn’t quite understand, Sae peeled himself from the guest-bed, slowly managed to find balance on his wobbly footing, and dazedly moved onto autopilot towards his and Rin’s childhood-bedroom before pushing the door open and stepping inside. So many sweet, nostalgic memories resided within these four, outwardly-plain white walls… at least, they used to; the trophies, picture-frames, and small-traces that Sae’s presence had ever existed here as a child were gone… because, after their first ever fight, Rin had destroyed and trashed them.

…

If their first ever falling out had been enough for Rin to physically forsake any and all memories of their shared child-hood together, what were the odds that confronting the entirety of their past—one that contained moments leagues worse than what Sae had initially said that night in the snow—would end with something any less tragic? “I’m definitely fucked.” He mirrored similarly to earlier, once again finding a twisted, almost-lunatic sense of amusement from what he truly believed would be his undoing.

…

With a weak, weary sigh, Sae squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep, essentially-pointless breath, and shut the door of their bedroom, shaking his head with a small, bitter smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Well… he supposed there was nothing left to be done; their fate rested solely in Rin’s hands, now.

                     ~^~^~^~^~^~

Even after finally summoning the courage to walk downstairs, he and Rin said nothing to each other; neither of them made any attempt at conversation, interacting, or even just acknowledging the other's presence… which is why, despite the fact that Sae had essentially spent the next few hours pretending to be busy whilst not actually doing anything entertaining or preoccupying, he was both startled and mortified when, after quickly glancing out the window out of habit, he found the oh-so-dreaded wall of pure, unrelenting darkness to be the only sight that greeted him; it was night-time… and, judging by just how dark it was outside, it had been for quite a while—it seemed that neither of them were too eager to head upstairs seeing as it would be a signal that this was happening.

“Ni-Chan.” Rin’s quiet, almost entirely-inaudible voice just barely managed to reach his ears, the sound causing Sae to flinch so violently he almost dropped the phone he’d been pretending to scroll on for the past few hours—he’d actually been scrolling social-media, but he hadn’t been consciously absorbing anything. “I’m- I think… I’m going to head upstairs now.” He began hesitantly, and Sae felt his heart shatter at the sight of his little brother’s clenched, almost-white knuckles trembling with emotion; seeing Rin so uncomfortable and terrified of this managed to cut far deeper than Sae’s own pain ever could.

“Oh.” Sae exhaled flatly, averting his eyes and digging his fingernails into the skin of his also-trembling palm as he slowly pulled himself off the couch and to his feet. “Okay… I- you still have to shower, right? Why don’t you head upstairs while I turn off all the lights and the TV.” He offered with a small, weak smile that Rin just-barely managed to return with one of his own before nodding, spinning on his heel, and practically rushing out of the living-room; he did not want to be in Sae’s proximity right now—that much was incredibly obvious… which is why it was a shame that, in a matter of less than half-a-hour, they would be forced into close-proximity to talk about what might be the worst-ever subject known to man.

Sae made slow work of flipping off the lamps, locking the doors, and tidying up downstairs before trudging up the stairs with feet that felt like lead. “Deep breaths.” He reminded himself desperately, flopping backwards onto their bed before allowing his eyes to slip shut as he made a half-hearted attempt at mediating and finding his focus; to no one’s surprise, it didn’t work… and, when the sound of Rin exiting the bathroom shortly followed by the pressure of someone sitting down on the bed beside him registered with Sae, he felt more panicked and off-beat than he had in what had to be weeks—there was more adrenaline pumping through him right now than there had been when he’d cursed-out and threatened their parents. “Rin.” He sighed out with heavy-defeat—he was just practicing for when the actual thing happened—as he begrudgingly shifted up into a sitting position directly beside his little brother; the atmosphere was stiff and dry with tension and awkwardness.

“Why’d you do it, Ni-Chan?” Rin’s quiet, already-strained and wobbly voice whispered out to him without even the slightest hint of warning; they were getting straight into this, it seemed. “After learning about what happened to you in Spain, I understand why you ghosted me- and I understand why you changed your dream from the one we shared when we were younger… but, why did you say all those things in the way that you did after?” Sae hadn’t even had the opportunity to speak yet, and Rin already sounded like he was on the verge of breaking. “Why didn’t you-“ his voice cracked and, sensing that remaining silent and allowing his little brother to spiral would be a poor move on his part, Sae very quickly interjected in hopes of salvaging the atmosphere a little bit before it could all go to flames; if Rin started crying and refusing to listen, it was over.

Fighting tooth and nail against the guilt that threatened to suffocate and silence him entirely, Sae just barely managed to sort through his scrambled, frantic thoughts long enough to recall the long, thought-out apology speech he’d been planning for who-knows-how-long about that night in the snow. “Rin, I- I’m so sorry… when I returned from Spain that night, I had-“

“That’s not what I care about.” Rin interrupted before he could even finish his sentence, the hurt and impatience in his voice paired with the fact that he’d shut down his first attempt at explaining himself consequently stunning Sae to the point of freezing on the spot while his mind struggled to comprehend and analyze why he’d been silenced so quickly. “That night was both- I… that night in the snow isn’t what hurts anymore, Ni-Chan… it’s everything that came after.” He sighed, the frustration and annoyance prickling at his entire demeanor painfully obvious and intimidating.

What- Rin wasn’t hurt by that night in the snow? But… that’s where all of this had started? That’s what Sae had been centering his entire opening around? “After?” He repeated blankly, despising how sheepish and lost he sounded as his mind scrambled and raced to find purchase and catch up with this new development. “Oh- Rin… if- what I said about Isagi after the U-20 match was-“

“No!” Rin huffed angrily, a vein in his temple noticeably protruding as he wrung his hands with frustration and turned his flared, cutting turquoise eyes directly upon his. “This has nothing to do with football, Sae! I’m not even that mad about what happened during that night in the snow, what you said about Isagi, or even the way you ‘pushed’ me to get better at football initially! I want you to explain why you waltzed into my safe-space and attacked me for two weeks straight in ways that had nothing to do with football when you first got here!” Rin was seething at this point… and Sae- well, Sae was at a complete and utter loss; he had almost entirely lost the context of what was happening right now.

He understood why Rin might feel motivated to skip to this part of what happened specifically seeing as it was by far the worst aspect of what Sae had done—hell, Sae himself had already planned in meticulous detail how he’d handle this part of their conversation in particular—but, what he didn’t understand was everything else his little brother was saying; what did he mean he wasn’t mad about what happened that night in the snow or Isagi? It just didn’t make sense… but, alas, he did not have time to dwell on things like this; even if it was a little frantic and unorthodox of a way to progress the conversation, Sae resolved to momentarily take things at face value and simply answer straightforwardly—if his little brother wanted to skip over two major aspects of what happened, then he would have to deal with it and adapt to what was presently happening. “I- a part of me did it because I wanted to prepare you for what I thought you’d have to learn to deal with if you wanted to survive in world-class football…” he began, his heart pumping frantically as he immediately sensed Rin’s indignation and rushed to clarify before the other could blow up. “And I know that’s what I said in the hospital! But hear me out for a moment while I explain myself! Please!” He pleaded desperately as he subconsciously moved to wipe his sweating palms against the sheets of the bed, his chest only releasing the breath he’d been holding when Rin very-begrudgingly nodded with narrowed, expectant eyes. “I- it’s kind of awkward since we skipped over what happened that night in the snow… but I’ll try my best anyways. I- after… after what happened to me in Spain- after I realized I wasn’t good enough, I—fuck this is going to sound so fucking pathetic and lukewarm—I saw you, naive, ignorant, and just- still so certain that you’d be the second-best after me, and… I sort of came to a conclusion that day. I decided that, to make sure that you didn’t end up like me, I would have to push you into separating yourself from me as a player and a person… I wanted to protect you and make sure that you’re dreams would fail like mine-“ he wasn’t lying or embellishing simply to make himself appear more ‘righteous’; despite his methods being cruel, unnecessary, and largely driven by his own flaring temper and failures, Sae had truly wished that Rin wouldn’t suffer the same path as he did. “-but I know that I failed again! I know that I messed it all up!” He rushed to finish when a sharp, bitter bark of resentful laughter sounded to his left. “The way I went about it was wrong! I shouldn’t have ever gone about it the way that I-“

“So then why did you?” Rin cut in sharply, the dry heat and ever-growing impatience he was projecting causing the hair’s on Sae’s skin to prickle and stand on end. “Your reason for pushing me was football and the way you went about it was wrong… Okay, yeah, we already covered that. But tell me why you used the methods that you did? Tell me why you, after having already pushed me more than enough after the U-20 match by comparing me to Isagi, felt the need to stay in my house and go even further? Tell me why you were so cruel about it- tell me why you hurt me in ways that had absolutely nothing to with football then, huh? Your explanation only covers half of the things that you said to me… and, I think you already know what I’m talking about without me having to explain it further… so, once again, tell me. I want to hear you explain what the hell drove you to say those things, specifically.”

…

It seems that, by now, they both knew why and, with the proper amount of emphasis, Sae finally understood what Rin was getting at; he understood what his little brother wanted him to admit out loud. “B-because, I… I thought I didn’t care.” He whispered quietly, his barely-audible voice strained and heavy with a guilt so heavy and crushing it could’ve very well been made of lead. “Because, somewhere along the way… I convinced myself I didn’t love you anymore.”

…

“That’s what I thought, you piece of shit.”

Chapter Text

“That’s what I thought, you piece of shit.” Rin hissed breathily through clenched, gritted teeth, the unused tears swimming behind his eyes burning with a pain almost as agonizing as the one that stabbed at his aching, broken heart. “You’re such a goddamn piece of shit, Sae…” he repeated quietly, pressing his lips into a thin, wavering line as he desperately willed himself not to cry or break down under the pressuring weight of the confirmation he’d just received; for as much as he’d wanted Sae to admit the truth, a part of him—his inner-child still desperate to gloss over the cold, cruel facts of the matter—wished he’d never pushed and prodded for the answer to begin with.

Perhaps, to an onlooker who miraculously understood the context of their past at a face-value level, Rin’s insistence to essentially skip over and disregard that night in the snow and what happened post U-20 match in favor of searching for this in particular might appear quite odd… but, after spending an entire day’s worth of silence internally contemplating everything—especially with his newfound knowledge of Sae’s experience in Spain added to his roster—he’d been somewhat-surprised to find that, despite being hurt and mildly-bitter about what had happened that night in the snow and after the match, Rin sort of… saw the both of those instances in a new light, if that made sense? With the newfound understanding of his older brother’s past personal-experiences, Rin felt he couldn’t exactly… blame Sae for what had happened during that night in the snow; what he’d said had been harsh, arguably-unnecessary, and cruel, yes… but, to be fair, Rin had been particularly stubborn, dismissive, and unwilling to listen to the other’s shift in perspective and goals—which, in all fairness, could be attributed to the fact that Sae hadn’t actually made the effort to inform him of what he’d been going through before everything blew up… but, still; Rin felt he was now mature and level-headed enough to admit that he had been a driving factor for how things had played out that night—which, in turn, would explain why Sae had felt the need to go to such extreme lengths to—as he put it—‘push’ Rin to develop a sense of individuality as not only a player, but a person in the way that he had; he did believe that his brother’s initial intentions had been rooted in a sense of care and good-will.

This realization and shift in perspective also allowed Rin to better understand why Sae had felt inclined to say the things that he had after the U-20 match; once again, his older brother had simply been trying to ‘push’ and—in an annoying, if not effectively-twisted sort of way—encourage him to form a rivalry with Isagi in hopes that the spark would coax Rin to improve… but, that’s where the understanding and ‘good-will’ ended.

With his outlook on the football aspect of their relationship changing for the better and allowing for him to see the purpose and arguably good-spirited intentions behind Sae’s methods of pushing and antagonizing him in the sense of the field—even if they were questionable, hurtful, and enraging—Rin felt his hatred, bitterness, and hurt multiply almost ten-fold when, similarly to a pendulum swinging to the opposite end of its pivot, the agony and sense of betrayal he felt for everything awful thing Sae had said to him unrelated to football reared its ugly, misshapen head; Rin felt that, with a little bit of time and patience, he might eventually come to find peace with how his older brother had treated him in regards to football despite it being very wrong… but, he was utterly convinced that he would never not feel the sting of abandonment and betrayal for anything that had gone beyond that:

‘As a brother, you mean nothing to me—you don’t even exist in my eyes.’

‘Sometimes, I wish Isagi was born as my little brother so I could actually have someone to be proud of.’

‘things would have been so much fucking easier for me if you’d just never been born in the first place!’

Even by past-Sae’s standards of thoughtless cruelty under the guise of ‘encouragement’, it was simply impossible for a brother who held any amount of concern, care, or affection towards their younger-sibling to ever say such heartless, soul-crushing words… which is why Rin had focused-in and latched onto these particular moments in specific more than anything else. Despite having already reached the conclusion and sense of understanding on his own through context-clues and contemplation, he’d wanted to hear Sae admit the frigid, merciless words out loud for them both to hear and face head-on; he’d wanted the vicious, un-ignorable truth out in the open for all to see… which is precisely how he’d found himself in this current predicament.

“You stopped loving me.” Rin repeated with a defeated sort of bitter-amusement, his throat going dry and tightening in a way that couldn’t be fixed by simply swallowing or taking a sip of water. “You said all of those horrible things to me because you didn’t love me.” The notion, although expected and even purposefully searched for, managed to, in almost an instant, completely void-out and engulf any remaining rays of sunlight that had somehow managed to survive up until now, swallowing Rin up into a lightless, murky darkness that he had long grown to forget; inky-blackness paired with the frigid spray of unforgiving, merciless waves of shadowy-tendrils that shook and rocked him to his very core had been something that Rin had almost managed to dispel entirely… but, as fate had it, a pain like this would never truly release its vice-like grip on his heart. “Heh.“ he barked out a sharp, almost-gleeful bite of unbelieving laughter while shaking his head. “I- to think… to think that, the entire time, I had been right. I had believed with my whole heart that you didn’t love me… and I had been right.” There was something about hearing it from Sae after everything they’d been through together that made it sting that much worse; Rin had felt a soul-crushing, heart-shattering pain when he’d heard his older brother vehemently and openly express his disdain for his very existence that first day of break they spent together… but sitting here now knowing what it meant to be loved and wanted by his brother again made the pain of past-Sae’s betrayal even fresher, in a way. “That’s why you said I was a worthless little brother who ‘doesn’t even exist in your eyes’, right? That’s why you went beyond antagonizing me about solely football, right? B-because… you didn’t love me.” Attempting to suppress or hide the way tears of anguish leaked freely from his eyes would be a lost-cause and waste of energy, at this point; Rin was so damn hurt that he didn’t even care.

“R-Rin…” Sae’s raw, completely-unguarded voice whispered out to him hoarsely as he moved to rest a hand on Rin’s shoulder… but, when that attempt earned him a flinch, defensive-hiss, and hateful look, he once again backed off. “I’m- it’s… I did still love you—I always have—I- I just… I convinced myself that I didn’t, but I swear-” He began weakly, immediately snapping his mouth shut with a resounding click when another bark of high, shrill laughter clawed and escaped from Rin’s throat.

“You say that like there’s a difference!” He hissed in retort, refusing to spare even a single ounce of the venom and animosity that spilled freely from his voice. “If you convinced yourself that you didn’t love me, is that any different than actually not loving me- because, you sure as fucking hell acted like you didn’t give a damn about me at all!” He spat without a hint of reservation; he didn’t see the slightest point in holding back now. “I just- did you say and do those things because you didn’t care how far you pushed me in the name of football…?” he trailed off, his bottom lip quivering as he slipped his eyes shut and sniffled. “Or did you do it because you hated me so much that you wanted to hurt me-“

“NO!” Sae’s frantic, borderline-wild voice shrieked out in interruption, his wide, panicking turquoise eyes on the verge of something absolutely feral with desperation and pleading. “Rin- I… I didn’t want to hurt you- I never… I never wanted something like that!” He gasped out with a frantic shake of the head, the tear-tracks painting his skin with a cruel layer of glistening-sheen identical to Rin’s own. “I- I… it’s so- it’s so fucking hard for me to explain, because I don’t- I don’t even fucking understand why I did everything that or did, or how I could’ve possibly reasoned that what I was doing was justifiable or logical… but I’m- the truth is… the reason I pushed you away wasn’t just because of your football… it- it’s because… after what happened in Spain and that night in the now, I- I also started convincing myself that, if I wanted to avoid failing again, I would have to completely rid myself of emotions, I- so I started convincing myself that loving you- that loving and caring about anyone was weakness… a-and, at some point, I just… I forgot what it meant to be your brother. At some point, I started seeing you as…” he trailed off, his lips pressing into a thin, trembling line as if the next few words he were about to say were something he’d rather keep hidden and forever locked-away. “Just another football player.” He admitted with a weak sniffle and defeated shake of the head, his regretful, guilt-ridden eyes wavering as he stared directly into Rin’s own. “I detached myself from you and what it meant to love so much that I- that… I stopped caring in the way that I should have. I kept pushing you further and further and further because, from the perspective of football, I- I thought I was doing a favor or serving some sort of purpose when- when, in reality, I was just being cruel. I forgot how to love so much that I- I couldn’t eventually even see the difference in ‘pushing’ you to do better versus just plain hurting and breaking you… I’m- and at some point, I-“ with that, his trembling, strained voice cracked as he devolved into a mess of quiet, barely-suppressed sobs that racked him for around a minute until he was finally able to regain a semblance of composure. “Until… until I saw the blood in the sink- until I thought that you were-“

“That I was cutting myself?” Rin finished flatly, his voice dull, reserved, and utterly indecipherable to anyone listening in. “You only realized that you actually cared when you thought I was trying to hurt myself?” If the way Sae’s face pinched into almost-sheepish, ashamed defeat was anything to go off of, he too understood how laughable of a statement it was.

“I know it sounds pathetic- no, I know it is pathetic… and laughable, trivial, shameful, and just- just fucking disgusting… but, yeah.” Sae nodded, a sharp, bitter, self-loathing bark of laughter escaping him in a similar manner to how Rin had so-hatefully laughed earlier. “I was skeptical and hesitant at first because I’d grown so accustomed to my new way of life… but, when I- when I saw the blood… when I thought that I’d pushed you to the point of cutting yourself in the exact same way Spain had pushed me, it felt like a slap in the face… but it hadn’t been enough to wake me up. Rather than just being fucking adult about it and talking to you, I- I actually went out of my way to purposefully provoke you to see if my fears were right-“

“But they weren’t.” Rin interrupted again, not sure why he felt so inclined to finish Sae’s sentences when taking into account how suffocated and resentful he felt towards the other right now. “And, when you realized that, you told me that you wished I’d never been born.” He lamented flatly, an eerie, haunting-calmness way too similar to that he felt of the very night he was currently recalling washing over him as the previously-tumulus, ever-shifting ocean-landscape around him went disturbingly still.

Physically flinching and noticeably tensing, Sae took a few moments to process his words before nodding with another weak, exhausted sigh of dread and guilt. “I- that… When I realized that you weren’t cutting yourself like I thought, I felt so frustrated and humiliated that I’d broken my ‘character’ and self-set-rules to never allow myself to succumb to emotions again that I just… I lashed out. I have no excuse for that- not that I have an ‘excuse’ for any of it! J-just… the things I said to you that night- no, everything I said to you starting from that night in the snow… there’s no excuse for them. I don’t have a ‘good reason’ for what I did… I’m- I was just selfish. That’s it. After failing in Spain, I became so self-centered and detached from reality that I became a terrible person and awful Ni-Chan to you… a-and you suffered for it. I- I don’t…” he trailed off with a shuddering gasp, his breath coming out in short, uneven puffs as he shifted to hug his knees up to his chest in a gesture of attempted self-comfort. “I-I’m sorry, Rin… I’m so fucking sorry- and I know that- that there’s nothing I could ever say or do to make up for what I’ve done, but I- I’m just… I’m so sorry. I d-dont know… I don’t know what else I can say except I’m so fucking sorry for everything.” He apologized desperately, his expression contorting and pinching when, rather than say anything in response, Rin simply averted his gaze and turned his head in the opposite direction; he didn’t want to see Sae right now… it was just too soon.

The painful, tormenting memories of his big brother’s cold, completely-eyes glaring loveless daggers into him lingered fresh in his mind alongside every cruel, cutting insult spat without mercy… and, Rin- well, apology or not, he just couldn’t bring himself to stare into those same turquoise eyes again without breaking-down. “I’m…” he began quietly, immediately snapping his mouth shut and choosing to remain silent; there was nothing to say… he’d had—the majority—of his questions answered in full, received an apology, and… that’s all there was to this, wasn’t there?

It just felt so… anti-climatic- yet no less devastating.

In all honesty, Rin felt that, in a sort of way, he’d already—at least on some subconscious level—known exactly what to expect from Sae’s answers… and, now that they’d finished talking, he found that he’d been right in his predictions in regards to everything; all of his the context-clues paired with logical speculations had already allowed him to understand his brother’s perspective of the past in a way… but, that didn’t make it any easier.

He’d spent more than enough time with Sae to understand just how remorseful he felt and, in turn, how much love he had to give as a means of making amends… but Rin found that, predictably, recalling the memories of his older brother essentially pushing him to the point of wanting to kill himself were not things taken lightly… and, right now, he just- he didn’t know how he felt beyond the pain. “You’re such a fucking asshole…” he hissed out through gritted teeth, squeezing his eyes closed and welcoming the stab of twisting pain that prickled at his aching heart. “I- y’know that night I tried to kill myself… when you pinned me down to check for cuts on my wrist… I thought you were trying to hurt me- I thought you wanted to actually physically hurt me.” He scoffed with a bitter laugh and shake of the head, recalling back to the genuine, almost-disbelieving terror he’d felt that night; those moments had been some of the worst of Rin’s entire life… and then, just when he’d thought it couldn’t get any worse… “then, you told me that you wished I’d never been born… and- and then I…” he trailed off with an audible gulp, bringing his trembling hands up to bury and hide his tearful, sorrow-wracked face behind them; he didn’t need to finish his sentnace… they both understood what he was going to say even in the wake of silence.

“Rin…” Sae called out quietly, the sound of him shifting closer reaching Rin’s ears and prompting startling him to whip his head around and stare at the other through wide, stand-offish eyes. “S-sorry.” He apologized immediately, slowly but surely raising his hands in a gesture of surrender which he held for a few moments before reaching out to rest a tentative hand against Rin’s stiff, knotted shoulder. “I’m- I'm so sorry… I messed up-“

“No fucking shit.” Rin snapped, hating the way his breath hitched and his throat clicked with each word he spat. “Don’t touch me.” He bit venomously before whipping around to roughly smack Sae’s hand away from him. “Just- just don’t touch me right now.” He couldn’t do this- he couldn’t think or see anything beyond the pain right now… and, honestly, he wasn’t sure if he ever truly would be able to; now that everything was out in the open and re-exposed, the jagged twisted wound that scarred him had been cut open once again, causing fresh, disgusting blood to pour forth from the gash. “Please, Sae… I- I just… I need space, right now.” He could practically feel the aura of pure desperation and remorse radiating from Sae… but, right now, Rin couldn’t bring himself to care. “Please… please just go away.” Rin essentially begged, wrapping his arms around himself in a self-hug as he purposefully shifted to the opposite end of the bed to put as much space as physically possible between them.

Whether he meant that in a temporary sense or permanently… Rin didn’t know yet.

Chapter Text

To Sae, the previously-held belief that Rin’s mood and enjoyment of the museum would have any lingering effect or impact on their confrontation was laughable; regardless of if his little brother had somehow been in an ecstatic-mood after experiencing the best day of his entire life, nothing- and he meant nothing, could have ever cushioned or lessened the impact that dredging up such painful, anguish-inducing memories had on either of them. “Rin…” Sae whispered instinctively at the thought, his barely-audible voice weighing heavy with a barely-concealed ache and sorrow that didn’t manage to reflect even a fraction of the pain that had been seizing and twisting at his shattered heart for days now.

For one, despite having spent countless hours stewing in the recollection of his past-mistakes and the guilt that consequently trailed closely after them like a shadow, Sae found that their official-confrontation had re-opened a the fresh, bleeding gash that had torn and shredded at his heart the night that Rin had tried to attempt… and, precisely as he recalled despite two full months having already passed, the pain, guilt, and self-hatred that festered within him was agonizing at best, and an unbearable torture at worst.

‘Please… please just go away.’

With a drawn-out, shuddering exhale, Sae once again found his mind naturally drawn back to those words as if they had somehow manifested a physical magnetic-pull that demanded his attention 24/7. “Go away?” He repeated dully, running a rough, exasperated hand through his disheveled, untamed hair before falling backwards onto their shared bed gracelessly. By some miracle, Rin, despite his blank, detached demeanor towards any of Sae’s advancements towards initiation, hadn’t demanded that their sleeping arrangements be changed- which, thank the impossibly-powerful cosmic-deity who’d managed the inexplicable feat, because it was the singular thing that kept Sae grounded—not really; whatever dazed, mentally-crowded limbo he’d been banished to these past few days could hardly be qualified as ‘grounded’ by definition—and fended off the ever-present, ominously-lingering doubt that festered and prickled through his very being on the daily-basis… but, in all truth, it was a small, barely-sustainable sort of reprieve that really didn’t do very much for his rapidly-declining confidence and assurance in the grand-scheme of their situation.

‘Please… please just go away.’

Sae didn’t know what those words meant- or, rather, what they were supposed to mean. Two full days had passed since their confrontation, and yet Rin hadn’t said so much as a single word to him… meaning that, despite the fact that Sae had actually managed to scrape together enough courage—barely; he’d grappled with his shame for hours—to actually ask for clarification in a straightforward manner, he hadn’t received any answer that could even so much as offer him the most minuscule of hints as to how depthful and severe that small, yet extremely stress-inducing request truly was.

If one were to ask how confident Sae was in the survivability of his and Rin’s newfound relationship prior to their confrontation, he would’ve answered with a somewhat-confident—though, still reasonably nervous and doubtful—‘decently’; he’d always known better than to be overly confident simply due to his initial success, but Sae had also come to rely and trust in the intimate, arguably close-knit bond and sense of brotherly-affection that they’d developed over the course of the past month to guide them through this final obstacle… but, in all honestly, he found it difficult for him to believe in said bond at the moment.

As he’d mentioned earlier, Rin was giving him the highest-level silent-treatment- and, yeah… that alone would be enough to set Sae’s sensitive, anxiety-ridden nerves alight, but something about his little brother’s behavior felt… unsettling; whenever Sae had made an attempt at initiating in any sort of interaction—whether it be related to their confrontation or not—Rin had simply… stared. He made no attempt to engage, respond, or do anything beyond simply staring- but, that wasn’t the aspect that bothered Sae the most; rather than look annoyed, coldly-distant, or purposefully dismissive and spiteful, Rin’s gaze remained blank, reserved, and borderline-absent the entire time… almost as if he weren’t even present- or, maybe, he simply didn’t care to respond? Maybe Sae’s worst fears had truly come to pass…

Maybe this was Rin’s way of leaving.

“No.” Sae whimpered weakly, despising the fact that, regardless of what angle he approached the situation, he always arrived at the same conclusion as he had from the very beginning: his past-mistakes were and forever would be too grave to see beyond… meaning that, despite how close they’d been to success, his and Rin’s bond would remain eternally-tainted and never truly reconciled. “Rin…” he called his little brother’s name pleadingly, both welcoming and fighting against the bitter-sweet rush of child-hood memories that flooded the forefront of his exhausted mind:

Rin, five years-old, snuggled up against him after he’d had a nightmare of a—as he’d phrased it—‘big, stupid meanie who chased me!’ before quietly thanking Sae for being ‘the best Ni-Chan in the world’ and immediately falling asleep with a small dribble of drool peaking from the corner of his upturned mouth.

Rin, nine years old, happily trailing after him with a cheap, bright-blue in his syrup staining hands as he listened with rapt, perfectly-focused attention to Sae venting about whatever insignificant, trivial thing that had plagued him before tilting his head to the side, smiling, and staring up at him with those wide, admiring eyes. ‘Don’t worry, Ni-Chan… you’re super amazing, so I’m sure it will all be okay!’ He’d nodded enthusiastically, nothing short of pure, earnest adoration and whole-hearted conviction in every ounce of his demeanor; Rin always used to comfort Sae whenever he felt troubled.

Rin, eleven years-old, his tear-stained, pinched expression slowly but surely softening as Sae patiently explained to him that, to achieve their shared-dream, he would have to leave to Spain for an extended-period of time… but that he also promised to stay in touch and talk every single day—a laughably-ironic promise in hindsight. ‘O-okay, Ni-Chan- and, while you’re away, I promise I’ll work a million-times harder than usual to try and keep up with you while you’re in your fancy football-training in Spain!’ He’d declared dutifully, his turquoise eyes blazing with determination, admiration, and unfiltered love as he nodded in understanding.

…

“Damnit…” Sae sniffled, pressing his lips into a thin, wavering line as fresh tears spilled freely from the corners of his eyes before trailing down his cheeks and staining the white bed-sheets below. Those memories, while incredibly distant and stretched thin across the ever-marching expanse of time, felt so close; it felt that, if only Sae were able to get even the smallest amount of reassurance from Rin that they still had a future together, he might finally be able to grasp those memories and hold them close to his chest while basking in the knowledge that, after all this time, they were once again his to hold dear and be worthy of… but, with the deadline for Rin’s return to Bluelock and his own return to Spain a mere few days around the corner, Sae was utterly devastated and heart-broken to realize that desperately yearned-for reality may very well never exist beyond his wildest-dreams.

Exactly as he’d so painstakingly feared the day leading up to their confrontation, it seemed that every single moment shared- every single memory had been and could’ve been made, had been for nothing, in the end; despite his best, unrelenting efforts and sheer desperation to hold onto the one person he truly held dear to his eternally-lonely, closed-off heart, Sae had failed… meaning that these last few days could very well be his last with Rin.

It was an ever-present threat that had constantly trailed behind him like an eternal, never-fading shadow that reared its ugly head in the most inconvenient and distressing of situations… But, now that said threat was very-rapidly morphing into the new truth, Sae found that he couldn’t bear it. “This can’t be happening.” He choked out pitifully, his throat compressing as a dry, strangled sob forcibly clawed its way from his aching chest; Sae was in denial. “Y-you can’t leave.” He protested to no one other than himself, the suffocating, crushing-weight of still, unmoving silence serving as his only response; Rin wouldn’t have listened even if he were around to hear, anyway.

Just barely managing to endure a physically anguish terrifyingly similar in severity to that of which he suffered the night he had Rin’s limp, pale, unresponsive almost-body in his arms, Sae haphazardously blinked back the tears that had become something of his only company these past few days before wrenching himself up into a sitting position and gracelessly setting about in an unknown direction; he had no idea where, why, or how his body was moving. “Dr.Sato.” He called out flatly, blinking and physically startling when he’d realized that, subconsciously, his mind had somehow alerted him of the therapist's scheduled-appointment and therefore anticipated-arrival at this specific time; it was a wonder that Sae’s brain had the capacity to perform any sort of task beyond stressing-out or crying… but, the wonders of the human-mind were endless, he supposed and noted duly. “Hello.” He greeted blankly, his voice, posture, and expression completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever… but, if the hesitant, mildly-worried look Dr.Sato gave him was any sort of indicator, his overall disheveled, messed-up appearance gave him away—plus, his eyes were most-likely still stained a shade of ‘I’ve been crying’-red.

“Hello, Sae.” Dr.Sato greeted with a nod and polite smile, clearly making an effort towards remaining professional despite his initial-concern. “Me and Rin’s second-to-last session is scheduled for today.” He explained patiently, unable to conceal the way his sky-blue eyes glanced past Sae’s slouched-over figure hurriedly. “He’s usually the one to greet me at the door… was he not aware that we had a scheduled appointment today?” Call it a therapist’s instinct—or maybe the fact that Sae’s face had ‘things have gone to shit’ written all over it—but Dr.Sato's outward-demeanor spoke of blatant discomfort and antsyness; he knew something was wrong.

With a deep exhale, Sae shook his head with a shrug. “Rin’s… he’s just been feeling a little bit distracted, lately-“ he didn’t feel the need to go into great detail personally seeing as, one, Rin still functioned relatively-normal outside of his interactions with Sae meaning that, for the most part, he still seemed relatively fine… and, two, his little brother would most-likely spill his guts out about their confrontation to the man regardless; there was no need for Sae to live through the shame and humiliation of his failure twice. “-so im sure he just forgot. He’s probably just doing some yoga or…” he trailed off, a frown tugging at the corners of his lips when, after craning his neck around to search for his little brother’s expected-presence to be viable through the hallway, he realized that Rin wasn’t, in fact, doing yoga; he always stretched in the same spot—one that just happened to be visible from the front door-way—and he wasn’t there. “Oh…” Sae breathed out stiffly, his eyebrows pinching as he wracked his mind in search of places or things Rin might be doing. “Well- I’m sure he’s just working-out in the garage then… why don’t you come inside and sit down while I go fetch him?” He offered, gesturing for Dr.Sato to settle down and wait in the living room while he peeked his into the garage, certain that he’d find Rin in the midst of a circuit or-

He wasn’t in the garage either.

“Uhm- hold on…” he called out to Dr.Sato, offering the man a strained, forced smile that he hoped to conceal the way his heart-rate spiked with anxiety. “I’m certain he’s upstairs taking a shower.” Sae wasn't sure who he was attempting to convince, at this point; he was already sure that Rin wasn’t in the shower—or upstairs in general—seeing as he'd spent the majority of his day up there doing nothing and would’ve heard and felt the presence of another person… but, he was so desperate to find a convenient, comforting explanation as to where his little brother had gone that he was willing to double-check-

Rin wasn't upstairs- he wasn’t in the house.

…

…

…

Rin had left.

Chapter Text

In the open door-way of Rin’s empty, silent bathroom, Sae stood frozen, his clenched fists trembling with a surge of panic and mild-disbelief as the realization that his little brother was not in the house dawned on him in full. “Rin?” His uncomprehending, flat voice called out to the silence; he, predictably, received no answer. “Where are you?” He whispered to himself, his suddenly-dry, scratchy throat itching with discomfort as he swallowed nervously before quickly slamming the bathroom-door shut, almost tripping as he practically flew down the stairs, and pausing before a curious-looking Dr.Sato with wide, frantic eyes.

“Sae?” The man called out with a slight frown and tilt of the head, his sky-blue eyes noticeably narrowing when, after analyzing Sae’s blatantly-panicked, borderline-wild expression, he presumably realized that his initial instincts had been correct; something was definitely very wrong right now. “… where’s Rin? Is he not upstairs like you thought?” He asked straightforwardly, his voice stern and urgent, yet also patient and purposefully-reserved; he seemed to understand that poking an already frantic, scrambling Sae would only hurt the situation and delay actual progress.

“H-he’s not.” Sae admitted breathlessly, bringing a hand up to clutch at his heaving, rapidly-tightening chest; with the weight of strenuous panic added on top of the fact that he’d already been feeling like an emotion-wreck these past few, he was helpless to fight against the way his body naturally began to hyperventilate as his mind instinctively began to offer up unwanted, morbid scenarios that were the embodiment of the term ‘worst-assumptions’. “Rin isn’t-“ he couldn’t even manage a full sentence before his hoarse, strained voice cracked; despite how much he desperately tried and wanted to believe that he was simply being over-dramatic and irrationally-impulsive, Sae’s anxiety-ridden, pessimistic mind naturally jumped to the very worst conclusion possible:

His little brother was going to attempt to kill himself again.

It was the only logical answer that made sense, wasn’t it? Although Rin’s behavior and lifestyle-habits hadn’t particularly regressed to anything noticeably concerning or signaled signs of immediate alarm, Sae should’ve have seen it coming; the utterly-blank, motionless-void that had engulfed the entirety of Rin’s lightless, perfectly-silent gaze should have been all the warning that Sae needed to realize what was happening. The dull, eerily-detached glazing over his little brother’s eyes were hauntingly identical to that of the expression he’d worn the night he’d attempted to kill himself; empty.

Outwardly physical cues aside, Sae also should have just naturally assumed that, after having dredged up a subject incredibly sensitive and agonizing to Rin, it was inevitable that his little brother’s depression would consequently flare up to a severe extent… but, because it was simply in his flawed, painfully-imperfect nature, Sae had grown too complacent and comfortable to even assume that Rin would resort to such extreme measures for a second time; once again, he’d been so self-centered and absorbed in his own pain and the aspect of their relationship that would affect him that it hadn’t even crossed his mind to assume that his failure would once again push Rin to the point of suicide. “N-no!” He gasped out suddenly, stumbling backwards and crying out with startled-shock when the pain of having accidently bumped his hip against the kitchen-island in his frenzied-panic flared to life. “No, no, no… not again!” It almost felt that, if he were to insistently-deny it with enough determination and delusion, his sheer willpower might manifest his protest into reality… but, seeing as it hadn’t worked the first time he’d attempted on that cruel, haunting night, Sae refused to bet on the odds of it being a success this time around either. “Shit!” He cursed out forcefully, almost tearing the seam of his pant-pocket as he haphazardously retrieved his phone with deathly-pale, trembling hands before dialing up Rin’s number:

“Hello, you’ve reached the number of-“ voicemail; he hung up, took a deep breath, and tried again.

“Hello, you’ve reached the-“ his calls being manually declined would have been one thing, but each long, anxiety-flaring failure only pointed towards Sae’s awful assumption being the truth… so, desperate for even the bitter reassurance of being purposefully rejected even just once, he hung up, took a deep breath, and tried again.

“Hello, you’ve r-“ Three times could no longer be considered a coincidence; even if Rin happened to be busy or temporarily preoccupied, there’s no way he would have left his phone unattended for so long.

“Hello, you-“ there was only one explanation for Rin’s absence and his lack of phone-activity; just one more time, and Sae would assume with full, unwavering confidence that his worst-assumptions were correct.

“Hello-“ the robotic, emotionless voicemail automated-message chirped into Sae’s ringing, almost-disbelieving ears for the fifth time before immediately being interrupted by him impulsively and irrationally throwing his phone against the nearest wall in a fit of panicked, stretched-thin rage and terror.

“Wha- Sae!” Dr.Sato gasped, leaping out of his spot on the couch to hurriedly, yet also cautiously approach and rest a hand on his knotted, impossibly-stiff shoulder. “What’s going on? Why are you…“ seeing as he was Rin’s therapist and also seemed to care deeply about the wellbeing of his patients in an emotional-depth that went beyond a mere superficial-professional sense, Dr.Sato began to patiently, yet urgently bombard him with a slew of worried, somewhat-frantic questions… but, at this point, Sae couldn’t hear anything beyond the blood roaring in his own ears and the the disturbing, eerily-accurate ‘sound’ of his own mind’s depiction of Rin’s voice reading what he’d intended to be his final message to Sae two months ago to him.

It was like déjà vu.

Completely ignoring the other man’s questions, Sae stepped past him to retrieve his phone, silently praying that it hadn’t sustained enough damage to be completely broken, and eventually opened up his call-history before frantically scrolling and searching through it with laser-focus. “C’mon, where is it…” he muttered to himself, cursing the way his tremoring, sweaty finger-pads fumbled with the screen and a few times before he’d finally found what he’d been searching for and clicked the number. “Answer.” It wasn’t a request, it was a demand; Sae didn’t give a singular fuck about what Isagi might possibly be doing right now… because, if Rin wouldn’t answer him, then the only other person Sae could look to for information or possible-help was his little brother’s inexplicably-close Bluelock friend. “Isagi.” His voice was deathly-serious, cold, and utterly-detached as he spoke when the number he dialed finally answered.

“Uh- who is this?” Isagi’s confused, slightly-groggy sounding voice sounded to him from the other side of the line; he sounded like he might’ve been interrupted and awoken from a mid-day nap—oh well; Sae didn’t care about anything in the entire universe beyond tracking down Rin-

…

Wait- tracking?

“Uhm… helloooo? Oh- wait, this number… Itoshi Sae-?” He tried again, but he didn’t manage to get very far before Sae, after clumsily fumbling with and almost dropping his already-fatally-damaged phone, ended the call without even a split-second's hesitation; he didn’t need Isagi’s help to reach and locate Rin—there was a high chance that he wouldn’t receive an answer either, anyways—because Sae could simply make use of the tracker he’d installed onto his little brother’s phone without his knowledge in the middle of the night a few weeks ago while he’d been sleeping—don’t fucking judge him; if it weren’t for his overly-paranoid, instinctive need to plan ahead, Sae would have zero means of finding and saving Rin!

He grit his teeth and desperately willed that, once the little tracker-dot managed to pick up on and locate Rin’s signal, it wouldn’t reflect his little brother’s phone to be in the location that Sae was so fucking terrified that it might be, and-

The ocean.

…

Rin’s dot was not only already painfully-close, but also slowly and steadily moving towards the very same ocean that he’d tried to end his own life at two months ago… the ocean they’d grown up together at.

It wasn’t storming, nor was it night-time outside currently, but none of that mattered; the second Sae’s wide, terror-filled eyes registered the information on his phone, reality itself seemed to warp and morph into an identical mirror-landscape of what had happened the very first night this feeling of pure, adrenaline-surging fear tore through him. Rather than the dim, pink-tinted light of a calm, peaceful soon-approaching sunset, the world outside of the window was pitch-black and alive with roaring claps of thunder, howling gusts of wind, and the eerie, disturbingly-rhythmic sound of water.

Sae really hated water.

Cast into the sudden void-like darkness of his PTSD flaring and twisting to life, Sae was distraught to realize that he’d spent almost a full minute simply staring at the small, blue, blinking dot of his brother’s location for way too long; every minute- no, every single second was priceless and utterly-irreplaceable at a time like now! “I’m heading out.” He announced without warning, blinking and startling when he realized that, at some point, he’d sunk into his knee with distress while dazedly staring at his phone. “Rin is-“ he began, intending to inform Dr.Sato—bless the poor, worried man’s heart—of the situation… but, after miraculously having managed to form a coherent thought beyond ‘RIN’S GOING TO DIE!’, he realized that might not be the very best of decisions; call it overly-hopeful or just his mind’s desperate, last-ditch attempt to convince itself that there might still possible be an ‘after’… but, Sae decided that, if he did end up being wrong—please, please, please let that be the case!—then planting a seed of doubt into the therapist's head might hinder the likelihood of Rin’s re-admitting into Bluelock—utterly pointless if Rin left; nothing in the world would hold purpose if his little brother was gone. “Please just- just wait h-here.” He pleaded weakly, not sparing a second’s more time before yanking shoes onto his bare, unprotected feet—socks were upstairs; they were too far away—and sprinting full speed out the front door without even bothering to lock it.

Once again, Sae found himself in a race against time—and the physical-limitations of his own panicked, heaving lungs screaming for oxygen that he couldn’t quite supply even through heaving as deeply as possible—and, because things could always get worse, he was horrified to find that, if the weight of everything wasn’t already crushing enough, retracing the very same steps he’d made two months ago under the exact same context of situation really solidified the absolute terror and grief once again coursing through his veins; for the second time, Sae’s entire world threatened to disappear beneath the dark, unforgiving currents of the sea.

For the second time, he might be losing his little brother forever… and, after having re-learned what it truly meant to love and be loved by his world, Sae found that very-real possibly somehow even worse—if that was even possible, at this point. “T-this can’t… this can not be happening again.” He managed between uneven, stuttering heaves of breath; identically to the first time he’d run, the words escaping his mouth were utterly pointless and served no real purpose… but, they were the only thing that kept him from going completely-insane—though, in all honesty, he felt that, if prevention were his goal, he’d already failed in that department; Sae was on the cusp of losing his fucking mind right now. “He can’t- he won’t die… n-not after everything.” Delusion and denial; the miniscule possibility that his desperate-pleas were real fueled Sae to run without falter.

To anyone not on the verge of absolute erratic-lunacy, the now-orange tinted sky that spoke of distantly-approaching night paired with the soft, slightly-chilling breeze would have been absolutely lovely… but, to Sae, they were no different than that of the storm he fought his way through the first time around; it was bright out, but he couldn’t see… it was quiet out, but he couldn’t hear… it wasn’t storming, raining, or even drizzling, but the tears that poured freely from his eyes were so abundant and immersive that it might as well have been rain-droplets blurring and distorting his vision. “Fuck-“ he cursed feircly, gritting his teeth and planting his feet in attempt to regain balance after having stumbled over a sidewalk inconsistency; at speeds so dangerously-high, falling could be serious- and, he wasn’t cautious out of fear and concern for his own safety and wellbeing… but because any sort of inconvenience or delay would widen the distance between him and his little brother even more.

Sae could imagine what failure to catch up to the other would mean vividly; Rin, slowly but surely trudging his way towards the ocean for a second time… his empty, lightless eyes brimming with sorrowful-tears as he resolved himself to succeed in taking his life this time around. He would sniffling, tremble, and hesitate when once again faced with the same tumulus waters that had come so painfully-close to claiming him the first time around… but, when reminded of every terrible, disgusting, inhumane thing Sae had done to him, he would sigh, let his eyelids flutter shut with resolve as his trembling fists unclenched… and then let go; his limp head would be swallowed by the shifting, murky void once again…

And then Rin would leave.

…

This time, Sae barely felt the pain; aching, unstretched-legs screaming from torn muscles and exhaustion? Heart pounding so wildly in his chest he might just succumb to a heart-attack and early-grave? Blood-pressure levels so high he might actually damage something? Blisters and sores forming from the chafing of the bare skin of his foot rubbing and scratching against his shoe? None of it mattered for shit… so he simply continued to run at full speed, ignoring and completely dissociating from the world around him as a sort of self-coping mechanism aside from the few times he almost tripped and got the meanest-case of road-burn possible when attempting to haphazardly pull his cracked-phone out of his pocket to check the tracker; the distance between them had lessened significantly given Sae’s abnormally-quick pace… but, he had no time to celebrate that small victory when his brain finally caught up to his eyes and registered one other piece of crucial, fate-sealing information:

Rin’s dot had stopped moving… because he had reached the ocean.

Chapter Text

The towering, fatally-crashing waves paired with the all-encompassing, lightless-curtain of pure darkness that suffocated any remnants of warmth or reprieve felt like the cruelest punishment of Hell… and, Rin, having grown unfamiliar and unaccustomed to this pain paired with the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to make any outward effort towards fixing the source-cause of it—that required talking to and physically-acknowledging Sae; he didn’t want to do that—very quickly succumbed to the restless-anxiety and gripping-dread that came with the sensation of being trapped.

As ridiculous as it was considering that their official-confrontation didn’t actually physically-change anything beyond re-opening Rin’s old, almost-scabbed-over wounds, the recounting of the harsh, soul-crushing things that Sae had said to him cut much deeper than he’d been anticipating—perhaps bonding and spending so much time with his older brother had allowed Rin to create a sort-of… ‘safety-bubble’, that allowed his mind to momentarily glaze over the cold, hard truth of the matter, consequently convincing him on a subconscious-level that their confrontation wouldn’t be that terrible… but, when taking his current predicament into account, it was quite obvious that said ‘safety-bubble’ had been popped by the merciless, unforgiving edge of reality. “Tch.” He clicked his tongue, clenching his fists and shoving them into his pant-pockets as he let his head hang low and continued to walk at a slow, yet steady pace towards his destination.

He didn’t want to do this… but he had to.

Rin knew that, without drastic enough of an action, he couldn’t expect anything to change. Every single day, he went through the same mind-numbing, flavorless-routine all the while tiptoeing-around, avoiding, and ignoring Sae to the very-best of his abilities… and he simply couldn’t handle it- he couldn’t endure this feeling for a single-moment longer: being trapped.

For the past two days, every waking second had consisted of nothing but pure, white-hot anger, heavy, suffocating pain, or simply just sanity-shredding confusion… and Rin refused to sit back and watch himself once again crumble and succumb to the emotional-contradiction of Sae’s doing… so, turning to the source of both his pain and reprieve, Rin concluded that there was only one course of action that could grant him the true freedom that he so-desperately craved:

The ocean.

The idea of returning there- of doing this in general was… Well, it was intimidating. Rin did not want to do this—not one bit—but, at the same time, he knew that, to finally find true happiness, freedom, and inner-peace, he would have to embark on the one true route that would reward him with said desires… no matter how uncomfortable and stupid of an idea it may be—nothing- and he meant nothing could change his mind at this point; Rin was way too deep-in to back out now.

He felt that, seeing as it was clearly impossible to work things out with Sae with how these past two days had been progressing, a measure such as this one was the only possible-way Rin might achieve true peace and acceptance towards his older brother- “agh!” He grunted out with mild-shock, startling and frowning a little after regaining his balance and whipping around to glare at whatever it was that had dared to trip him, and- oh… it was sand.

The concrete he’d been carelessly pacing on had shifted into the fine, golden-grains of sand beneath his feet without him even realizing—Rin had been particularly distracted on the walk over; someone could have screamed directly into his ear and his dazed, distant brain would have most-likely ignored the sound in its entirety without so much as a split-second’s falter. “Oh.” He exhaled out quietly, blinking a few times as glanced around and focused in on his surroundings in full; golden, shimmering grains of sand sparking and shifting in the warm, orange-light of soon-approaching sunset… the soft, rhythmic-sound of gentle waves lapping and caressing the shoreline only occasionally interrupted by the sharper, more-shrill sound of a distantly seagull squawking… the oddly-pleasant, somehow-soothing smell of salt-water dancing on the very same breeze that swept-through and ruffled at his already-unkept hair…

It was all so… beautiful, was it not?

“Mm.” Rin hummed out appreciatively, a little startled that, despite having initially felt anxious and plain-afraid towards the sentiment of seeing and being here again, the initial-wave of discomfort and dread that had surged through him dissipated in almost an instant; he was still nervous… but no longer afraid of this—besides, this was the only way forward, wasn’t it? “Yeah.” He replied aloud to his own question with a resolved, surprisingly-steady voice, a small flush of embarrassment and heat prickling at his skin when he realized how trivial and ridiculous the gesture was. “Whatever.” He grumbled under his breath, shaking his head and taking a deep, calming breath before shucking off his shoes—he didn’t want them to get ruined for such a trivial reason—and walking bare-foot across the sandy-expanse of beach towards the pier.

Upon reaching the step-up of the pier, Rin hesitated for a split-second. He would be lying if he said that the gentle, yet chilling spray of ocean water splashing onto the skin of his bare-feet wasn’t a little bit nerve-wracking… but, after another deep breath and firm-resolution, he continued to walk outwards towards the furthest end of the pier without falter; for some reason, he felt that being furthest away from shore would aid him with this. “Tch-“ Rin clicked his tongue, frowning a little when a stray-pebble stabbed at the bottom of his foot when he finally managed to reach the end, shaking it away before hesitantly leaning forward to peek his face over the unsupported edge; where safety rails had previously been built, there now stood an empty, extremely-dangerous ledge—the pier was old, abandoned, and generally unused by the public at this point… so, no one had ever made any effort towards fixing it; its very existence was probably a handful of safety-code violations and a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Unlike his last time here, rather than the inky-black, ever-shifting masses of tumultuous, fatal waves reaching out with twisting, merciless tendrils that had sole intent to take him… the much-more gentle, peaceful expanse of small, sparkling turquoise-waves greeted him in a manner that he amusedly-interpreted as almost-playful. “Heh.” He chuckled softly, the first earnest, genuine smile he’d allowed for in two days tugging at the corners of his twitching lips.

Rin was a little startled to find that he’d spent the better-half of a full-minute allowing himself to be mesmerized and encapsulated by the sparkling, multi-colored landscape of blue before him… but, after snapping himself out of it, he once again paused to take a deep, hopeful-steadying breath before neatly lining his shoes up beside him, placing his phone and wallet next to them, and clumsily shrugging out of his hoodie before taking another full minute to meticulously fold it into perfection before setting it down as well; he didn’t want to feel… burdened, while doing this

After organizing his belongings to what he deemed as perfection, Rin carefully crouched down and maneuvered his legs so that they were dangling off the pier’s edge just enough for his toes to dip into the surprisingly-chilly, almost-tickling waves lapping at the near-surface of the water. “Cold.” He muttered with a small, almost-displeased frown, his body instinctively-desiring to shy away from the uncomfortable, prickling sensation… but Rin endured quite easily. “Mmm.” He hummed out with another small smile, chewing his bottom lip as he once again paused to appreciate and fawn over the unparalleled-beauty that nature surrounded him with… but, after around a minute or two of doing so, he simply sighed with a disapproving shake of the head. While he truly did appreciate the view before him, Rin knew what he was doing: stalling.

Despite being utterly resolved, it was only natural for him to feel hesitancy and fear in the face of such an overwhelming, intimidating challenge… but, once again, he was all too aware of the fact that, if he couldn’t endure this, he would forever be imprisoned to a life of eternal confusion, regret, and suffering… so, after taking one last deep breath, Rin shifted his weight in a way to prepare himself for the motion that would come next; he braced the back of his heels against the wall-face of the pier, clenched and dug his fingers into the edge, leaned forward, and…

Let himself fall backwards onto the warm, slightly-wet material of the pier-deck with a dull-thump and a small, exasperated grunt of exertion. “Hmph.” Maybe it was a bit of an overkill to come all the way out here just to find a quiet, isolated space to clear his head and sort through the chaotic, unorganized mess that was the feelings held in regards to his older brother and their relationship—especially considering that, if he hadn’t had such an anti-climatic, easy-going reaction to the sight of the ocean, he could have very well screwed himself over by coming here—but, he felt that he needed a drastic change-of-pace that was physically-away from Sae to have the breathing-room necessary to draw a final conclusion about them once and for all; almost-silence and white-noise for his state-of-mind, and the ‘foreign’, yet also thankfully comforting and familiar location of the pier to soothe the physical-tension plaguing at his body and making it difficult to relax.

Perhaps, to an outsider, it was a bit strange and contradictory for Rin to have purposefully attempted to return to a place that had almost been his grave in search of comfort… but the warm and soothing—if now decently bitter—memories of his and Sae’s shared childhood spent on this pier quite easily eclipsed any disturbance he might still feel in regards to this location and the ocean in general, to his pleasant surprise; he found that he couldn’t bring himself to despise the sea simply because it had caused him pain… besides, it helped that the water no longer bore the vicious, merciless threat of death and pain, but rather the promise of warmth, comfort, and a safe-space to think.

It felt good; the external warmth provided by the sunlight paired with the gentle breeze and soothing white-noise of the calm ocean surrounding Rin did well to manifest inwardly as well. Almost immediately, the plaguing, suffocating sensation of being trapped and smothered by the crushing weight of his own mind and emotions dissipated, allowing for the metaphorical-ocean within him to shift and warp into a mirror-image of the peaceful, refreshing one physically-surrounding him.

Rin could finally get the peace of mind required to challenge this—how he felt and what he wanted in regards to the future of his and Sae’s relationship—head-on and without interruption. “Finally.” He mumbled with a small, relieved sigh, allowing his eyelids to flutter shut as he mentally-steeled and resolved himself for what could be hours-straight of uninterrupted contemplation and emotional- “huh?” He mumbled with a slight frown, his eyebrows pinching as he brought a hand up to rub at his ear; he could’ve sworn he’d heard someone call his name just now- and, wait… were those footsteps? And were they getting louder?

With mild-begrudgence, Rin wrenched himself up into a sitting position, brought a hand up to rub the darkness out of his eyes, and arched his stiff-back in an attempt to crack and stretch the mild-tension away. “What other bastard is on the pier at this hour- GAH!?” He cried out with shock, his body going tense and rigid with startled panic when, before even managing to finish his quiet complaint, a pair of surprisingly-strong, merciless arms hooked him from under the armpits to yank and forcibly-drag him backwards and away from the pier’s edge with so much insistence that Rin swore he almost got whiplash and road-burn. “H-HEY! HEY! STOP IT!” He yelped out in a blind panic, flailing, kicking—he managed to land a solid one right to the guy's face—and screaming at his attacker… but it was to no avail—how the hell were they so strong!?—and he was eventually pinned and completely immobilized against the deck. “WHO-“ he began to cry out again, his chest heaving rapidly as his heart-rate spiked to an all-time record-setting high… but, before he could reach the point of fearing that his life could right now possibly be in real danger, Rin’s wide, frantic eyes caught a few extremely important details; disheveled pink hair, identically-turquoise eyes, and a look of sheer terror so intense and raw that caught him off guard.

…

It was Sae.

Chapter Text

The pure physical-exertion of having run full-speed non-stop for miles paired with the fact that, in the midst of their initial scuffle, Rin had landed a harsh, merciless kick straight to his face that prompted a nasty crunching-sound and splatter of blood from his nose had—unsurprisingly—started to take its toll on Sae’s trembling, aching body. His blistered, chafed feet screamed in raw, unreserved agony with even the slightest movement, and his oxygen-deprived, overworked lungs and muscles weren’t any better; there wasn’t a singular-inch of Sae’s body not currently-wracked with agony or, at the very least, extreme-discomfort. “Rin-“ he gasped hoarsely, gritting his teeth and summoning every last ounce of remaining strength in his straining, desperate body to maintain the iron-clad death-grip he grasped his little brother’s wrists in; faltering when they were mere feet away from the ocean’s deadly and merciless reach could be fatal—if he got even the slightest-amount of leeway, Rin would have little-to-no trouble launching himself into the waters surrounding the both of them.

“Sae…?” Rin breathed out in response, the sound of his quiet, mostly-indecipherable voice—tone-wise—sending a conflicting-jolt of both relief and terror coursing through him.

“R-Rin.” Sae whispered duly, so quiet that it was almost-inaudible. He couldn’t even bring himself to feel relief that he’d succeeded in preventing Rin from going through with his second-attempt… because the fact that there even was a ‘second-attempt’ meant that he’d failed miserably in every other aspect of their relationship, and just in regards to his little brother’s wellbeing in general; Sae had failed to protect him. “Rin.” He repeated again, not having the slightest clue as to what he should, could, or would say beyond simply calling his little brother’s name desperately—there weren’t any words to adequately express the cacophony of frenzied, chaotic emotions swirling through him right now, anyways.

He saw it all; Sae saw the neatly, perfectly-organized pile of belongings meticulously-stacked near the edge of the pier… he saw and picked-up on the way Rin rubbed his eyes—most-likely to wipe away the tears—and leaned forward to finalize the act of submerging himself into the unforgiving waters below… he saw his little brother’s intended last-moments right-before his eyes again… and, seeing as he had barely been holding it together these past few days regardless, the realization promptly pushed Sae to breaking-point. “Rin-“ he choked out dryly, his throat squeezing and tightening under the crushing-weight of his grief—yes, this feeling was undoubtedly grief; he was grieving the inevitable-loss of their relationship and what had almost-been the purposeful loss of his little brother’s life again—as his straining, barely-held-together heart stabbed and twisted with agony. “Why- why…?” he sobbed out with pure desperation, the tears gathering behind his eyes distorting and warping his vision so severely that he couldn’t even decipher Rin’s expression in the slightest. “W-why would you… why would you do t-this again…?” Already knowing the painful, dreaded answer to his pointless-question, Sae wasn’t so much asking as… pleading; he was inadvertently-begging Rin for an answer that would miraculously repair the shattered, chaotic fragments of his broken-heart… but, knowing that a soothing-luxury like that—even if simply fabricated for Rin’s own personal-agenda and convenience—wasn’t something he deserved in the slightest, Sae very-quickly devolved into a chaotic, pathetic mess of unreserved-sobs as he let his head hang low enough to bump against Rin’s chest defeatedly. “Y-you can’t… you can’t… you c-can’t…” he repeated over-and-over like a shaky-mantra, desperately-willing for his absolute-denial to somehow physically-manifest or change the fact that Rin had tried to kill himself again. “You can’t- I can’t! I- I can’t, Rin!” He gasped without warning, only mildly-startled by the way his mind had shifted-gears on him subconsciously. “I can’t do this anymore!” He sobbed against the other’s chest, wishing to bury his face against Rin and simply pretend that this wasn’t happening- that they were young-children again, laughing, playing, and snuggling against each other without a single care in world or even the slightest-knowledge of what it meant to hurt or feel true-pain to the extent that they both were right now. “I- if you… if you do it, then I will too!” Sae didn’t need to pause or think about it for even a single moment to know that his words, although impulsive, extremely-heavy, and driven by hysteria, were absolutely and without-a-doubt true; if Rin left… then he would too- because, how the hell could Sae possibly survive living in an empty, desolate world completely barren of all light, laughter, and love? How could he ever hope to find closure, self-forgiveness, or move-on when the knowledge that his foolish, self-centered mistakes had been the final-straw in pushing his little brother to take his own life?

He couldn’t; it was as simple as that.

“I’ll fucking do it!” He hissed suddenly, yanking himself backwards just enough to glare directly into Rin’s wide, disbelieving eyes while still maintaining his death-grip on the other’s pinned, immobilized-wrists. “D-don’t think that I won’t! If- if you kill yourself… I’ll fucking kill myself too, Rin!” He wasn’t sure why he felt compelled to ‘threaten’ his little brother with this newfound. borderline-manic mentality he’d just developed seeing as Rin most-likely wouldn’t care either way—why would he when he so-clearly resented him and their relationship?—but Sae was so damn desperate to find any sort of leverage that might dissuade or repel him from attempting again that he would forsake his pride and rational at least give it a fair-attempt—plus, reaching such a radical, implying-conclusion weighed heavy on his already-strained sanity, and he needed to find an outlet to get the emotions out before he went fully-insane.

His bold, extremely-startling declaration seemed to snap Rin out of whatever confused, stunned trace he’d been trapped in, because his temporary dazed-cooperation and limpness very-quickly ended. “What!?” Came his little brother’s sharp, almost-indignant gasp, his already-wide eyes widening even further as he attempted to squirm and wriggle out of his iron-grip to no avail; Sae would be damned if let go now. “You- what the actual fuck!? I- Sae, what are you- what is this? What the fuck are you even talking about? Why the hell would you ever say something like that!?” He cried out, his voice now definitely spiked with indignation and genuine-frustration as he continued to thrash… but, having already anticipated for Rin to attempt to deny and manipulate his way out of the situation, Sae simply re-tightened his grasp and attempted to ignore the skull-throbbing, aching headache hammering at his right-temple as if it were a nail on a plank. “You- wait… you think I’m trying to kill myself right now?” Rin blurted out without warning as if the implications of his declaration had finally sunk-in, the corners of his lips tugging downwards with a frown of genuine-confusion that Sae might’ve registered if he hadn’t been on the verge of both a mental and physical system shut-down.

“Don’t play stupid!” Sae snapped back immediately, his every-gesture thick with venom and accusation, the exertion causing a small trickle of blood to drip from his bruised, possibly-broken nose that stained and dirtied the pale skin in its wake. “Don’t p-pretend like you weren’t about to do it! You ignore me after our talk, disappear without saying anything, and then turn-up at the ocean on the end of the pier with your shoes, hoodie, and belongings neatly organized in a pile beside you!? A-are you fucking serious, Rin!? Are you really trying to lie to me right now!?” He practically snarled, all of the hurt, fear, and pain—both physical and mental—that he’d been bottling up since earlier pulling taught outwardly manifesting in frustration and attitude…

But, to his surprise, rather than curse or snap back, Rin once again stilled, his face pinching with shock, confusion, realization, and then, eventually… guilt—not that Sae was in the right state-of-mind to identify it as genuine-guilt, however; how unfortunate for the both of them. “Sae-“ he began, immediately snapping his mouth shut before pressing his lips into a thin, wavering line and taking a deep breath. “N… Ni-Chan?” Rin whispered out timidly, his expression softening from indignation and mild-fear to sympathy and regret. “You- you really thought that I was…?” He repeated quietly, his turquoise-eyes sparkling and shimmering with enough shades of blue to rival the ocean surrounding them as he once again attempted to free one of his pinned-wrist… but rather than it being a frantic, desperate gesture, it was less-rushed, softer, and almost reaching this time—not that Sae allowed him to escape, but he did manage to pick up on that much… even through the obscuring-mist of his foggy, adrenaline-hazed mind. “Ni-Chan…” he called out again… but, rather than be comforted or relieved by Rin’s sudden demeanor-shift, Sae found that the change in atmosphere only worsened the guilt and overall-sorrow plaguing him.

“S-stop…” Sae begged, his contorted, angry-expression crumbling into pure desperation and pain once again. “Please just stop- stop saying that… stop calling me Ni-Chan.” He yearned for the soft, affectionate nickname more than anything… But, knowing that it was simply a superficial, expertly-crafted manipulation-method that held no true affection or love behind it made Sae feel even more nauseous than he already did— given that he’d almost thrown up on the run over, that was saying a lot. “Stop calling me that, R-Rin… I know that you hate me. I k-know that you’re just saying it to distract me… I- I know that you don’t love me anymore-“ his voice cracked and, to his absolute horror, the last remaining fibers of his mental and physical strength shattered with it; without any sort of warning, Sae’s grip on Rin’s wrists trembled and broke as he practically collapsed forward onto his little brother limply. “No-!” He gasped weakly, a lurch of pure dread sinking into his stomach like an impossibly-heavy stone when, despite his best efforts, Sae couldn’t summon even the slightest ounce of strength; he could no longer stop Rin from leaving. “N-no! Don’t-“ he pleaded weakly, gracelessly scrambling for even the slightest bit of purchase when he felt Rin squirming and wriggling out from under him.

This was it; for the third time, Sae had failed… and now his little brother would leave him—and everything—because of it.

Even with the combined sensation of buzzing-rush adrenaline, raw terror, and physical agony stabbing at every inch of his mind and body as if he were being tortured with an incomprehensible-amount of tiny, puncturing needles, Sae felt himself slipping. Even as Rin managed to completely separate from his grasp, consequently causing his mind to scream with protest and an unbearable sense of knowing what would inevitably happen next, Sae—for the life of him—could not find the strength or willpower to suppress the physical and mental exhaustion and over-exertion of the day—and realistically, the last few added alongside it—meaning that, the second dark, shadowy-tendrils of black began to creep along the edges of his already-blurred, strained vision, he was helpless to fight against it.

With a broken, battered, and extremely-overworked body that demanded long-overdue rest, the last few glimpses that Sae caught before he passed out into a restless, nightmare-filled unconscious were those of Rin’s blurry, completely-indecipherable face leaning over him. “P-please don’t leave me, R-Rin…” he managed to rasp out moments before the world went black…

Because, if Rin left, then what would Sae have left to even wake up for?

Chapter Text

With another long, drawn-out sigh, Rin blinked and brought a hand up to rub at his heavy-lidded eyes before squinting up towards the slightly-blury clock hanging on the distant wall of the dim, motionless hospital-room. “Tch, three hours already?” He clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes with mock-exasperation; there was not a single hint of true annoyance, frustration, or impatience ever once weighing-down his voice. “Can’t believe you ran that…” he mumbled with a disbelieving shake of the head, his mind still struggling to wrap around and comprehend the fact that Sae had—presumably given the physical-evidence—full-sprinted for multiple miles with no socks on just to catch up to him; he would undoubtedly be feeling the nasty effect of those blisters and rub-sores for days.

Being in the hospital again was not a comfortable experience for Rin; the rhythmic, almost-eerie beep of machinery—distant machinery; Sae wasn’t in poor enough condition to warrant requiring anything beyond a simple water-bag to rehydrate him, and a soft, secure bed to spend a nights-worth of uninterrupted rest—the chemical, yet strangely-organic scent of- well… whatever the hell a hospital smelled like—death and preservatives?—and, worst of all, the sterile, depressing, and PTSD-inducing white-color that covered goddamn near every single surface of the place—aside from the occasional pot, ‘inspirational poster’, or randomly-saturated trinket. “Just had to go and pass out, huh?” Rin grumbled with faux-exasperation, his eyebrows pinching when, predictably, Sae didn’t answer; he most-likely wouldn’t be answering anything until he gained-consciousness in about- wait, when had the doctor predicted he’d wake up? Sometime around tomorrow afternoon? “Fucking dumbass.” He cursed with a scoff, his practically-inaudible, trembling voice straining at the sensation of tears burning behind his eyes; although knowing that all of the damage was completely-superficial and that Sae would wake up in near-perfect health within a matter of around half a day, Rin’s heart still ached terribly at the sight of his older brother’s unconscious, slightly-battered body—he felt like shit for having kicked Sae in the face, even if it had been rooted in misunderstanding, genuine-panic, and self-defense—laying limp in a hospital-bed… because, realistically, the situation was essentially Rin’s fault, wasn’t it?

After their confrontation, being re-exposed to the raging, unbearable storm of pain, uncertainty, and resentment had, in a way, narrowed Rin’s perspective, once again. He’d been so hurt, rageful, and bitter towards Sae for his past-mistakes that he hadn’t even taken a singular-second to consider how his sudden, unexplained absence might be perceived by the other; Rin hadn’t even taken a moment to care that his selfish, immature decision to seek solitude without offering any explanation oor, at the very least, a brief heads-up would ruin Sae—especially considering said isolated-location had been the ocean, of all places; it was no wonder his older brother had naturally assumed the worst and refused to listen to explanation when Rin’s choice of timing and location had been so implying and sketchy.

“Tch.” He clicked his tongue with a mild-frown, his stomach churning with mild-discomfort as a stone of guilt settled in the pit of it; Rin felt bad… because, honestly, how could he not? The raw, unfiltered pain—mental and physical—terror, and desperation shining in Sae’s tear-filled, wavering eyes as he so confidently declared that he would follow in Rin’s suicide-footsteps—if he ever were to go through with it- which, he would not, obviously; despite having chosen the ocean, he’d harbored no intentions of harming himself—without so much as a seconds hesitation or even a tiny flicker of doubt had felt like a slap in the face. “Fucking crazy bastard…” Rin cursed without any real malice or sincerity, feeling more frustrated with himself and the situation in general rather than Sae.

By now, Rin was more than aware that Sae’s love, concern, and desire to self-sacrifice for him was undoubtedly-unwavering and the absolute epitome of genuinely-selfless… which is why it killed him that he’d allowed himself to be so blinded by hatred, old-wounds, and bitterness to the point that he’d completely forsaken the basic consideration of informing Sae that he wasn’t leaving to the ocean to kill himself. Especially considering that, despite Rin having been the one pushed to the point of attempting suicide two months ago, his older brother seemed to have somehow retained even more trauma, paranoia, and terror in regards to the subject than he himself did. “Ni-Chan.” He whispered out quietly, sniffling and bringing a hand up to haphazardously wipe at his watery-eyes before carefully scooting his guest-chair close enough to the bed that he could rest and bump his head against Sae’s shoulder.

Rin was still angry, confused, and hurt by everything that they’d reviewed during their confrontation—that was only natural seeing as the worst of it hadn't even had more than two short months time to ‘marinate’ and settle—but he did not like seeing Sae hurting in the way that he so obviously had been; he was neither proud, nor satisfied with how immaturely and self-absorbed he’d been acting these past few days. “I’m- I'm sorry.” He apologized without warning, the spontaneity of unexpectedness of it thoroughly catching Rin off guard… but, after having done it once, the floodgates were open. “S-sorry, Ni-Chan.” He sniffled with a small whimper, not even attempting to suppress the tears or small noises of pain and remorse escaping him.

The whole situation was just shit; within a matter of a single conversation, Rin had been re-submerged in the suffocating agony of his past-suffering while Sae, in turn, had been forced to reconfront the guilt, remorse, and self-loathing he harbored towards himself because of his past-mistakes—which really sucked because he already seemed to half deep-rooted self-esteem issues for a multitude of different reasons even without the painful reminder. “Stupid.” Rin grumbled, not even having the energy to feel embarrassed or ashamed of resorting to his childish, laughably-simple coping mechanism. “So stupid… how are we both so fucking stupid sometimes, Ni-Chan?” He clicked his tongue with disapproval and exasperation on behalf of the both of them; the amount of times that their stubbornness, immaturity, and just plain-old stupidity had caused themselves and each other pain and misunderstanding was so pathetic and trivial that it was almost comical at this point… and, now seeing the physical consequences of said stupidity manifested in such a way, Rin realized that they couldn’t let this go on for a single moment longer.

Despite the fact that Rin knew that he had full right and justification to feel hurt to the point of ignoring and spiting Sae for his past-mistakes, he didn’t want to continue down that path and consequently direct their relationship to such a bitter, pointless end; he didn’t want to cause his older brother anymore pain than he’d so-clearly already suffered through these past few days… which meant he had to put this little bout of selfish, immature miscommunication to an end as soon as physically possible. “Don’t worry, Ni-Chan…” Rin sighed with a mixture of exasperation and relief that he’d finally managed to acquire resolve, a quiet, yet promising determination sparking within his voice. “I promise I won’t hurt you anymore.” He promised earnestly, his suddenly-eager, almost-desperate mind willing and silently urging for Sae to awake as soon as possible; Rin wanted to set things straight between at the first opportunity received… so, if his older brother were to be finished with his recovery-nap sooner than later, it would be a massive stress-reliever for the both of them.

“Mh…” came the sound of a small, subconscious murmur from his still-sleeping brother’s slightly-parted mouth, the noise—although meaningless and to be expected; Sae, despite being temporarily unconscious, had already mumbled a few times—doing well to soothe Rin in a childish sort of way. It almost felt like Sae’s coincidentally-timed murmuring had been in response to his promise… so, even if he knew it was irrational, trivial, and laughable, he decided to acknowledge it within that context.

Sniffling and bringing a sleeved-arm up to wipe and dab away the last lingering remains of his tears, Rin allowed the corners of his lips to tug upwards into a small, almost-content smile. “Yeah, Ni-Chan… I mean it. I promise I won’t make you worry anymore.” The severity of Sae’s sheer terror from earlier paired with the fact that Rin had spent the last few hours griping with and re-finding a sort of ‘peace’—he would never find true peace with such a painful experience, but he was, in a sense, once again learning to come to terms and coexist with it—in regards to his older brother’s past actions had sort of… ‘re-aligned’ his perspective and mentally towards their relationship, per say.

With his newfound hindsight, Rin realized that he’d come dangerously close to falling down the dangerous rabbit-hole mentality of ‘forgive or give up’. The fresh, rationality-obscuring pain of their confrontation had set him down a spiraling-path of forgetting the purpose for having them in the first place; their confrontations were not meant to be an ultimatum designed to urge and push Rin towards deciding between forgiving or permanently rejecting Sae… but a simply a tool for the both of them to use in hopes of understanding, sympathizing, and healing alongside each other. “Damnit.” He cursed with a disapproving shake of the head, both mildly-ashamed and extremely-relieved that he hadn’t succumb to such a black-and-white, decisive mindset considering he never wanted or expected their relationship to progress in such a way from the moment he’d re-allowed Sae into his life.

In a sort of way, the misunderstanding that Sae had acted upon had been a sort of… blessing in disguise, almost? If Rin hadn’t received the grounding, eye-opening reality-check that was his older brother’s desperate fear, there was a good chance that he would have never reached such a resolve. Most-likely, he would have continued to stew and fester in his bitterness if he hadn’t been interrupted… meaning that he could have very well made a mistake that would damage the future of their relationship permanently. “Guess you taking a trip to the hospital wasn’t for nothing, huh, Ni-Chan?” Rin mused with mildly-amused snort of laughter, the clutch of pain and guilt from earlier fading and mellowing-out into a sort of peaceful, steady warmth; the sensation of golden, shimmering sunlight piercing through the clouds of negativity and once again illuminating the ocean a brilliant-turquoise was, predictably, and extremely pleasant change of pace. “I’ll fix this.” He declared out loud, his tone and demeanor taking on a more serious, committed weight… but, when Sae’s only response was to unconsciously-mumble incoherently with a small pinch of the eyebrows, Rin couldn’t suppress the smile that once again managed to tug at his lips.

Sighing—with relief, this time—and allowing the tense, uncomfortable knot in his stiff shoulder-blades to unwind and relax, Rin eventually unburied his face from his older brother’s shoulder to sit up straight and stretch out his compressed spine… though, even after re-settling down into his chair in attempt to get comfortable for the night—he could leave to go home and rest in his own bed, but he didn’t quite like the idea of that; given the fact that Sae hadn’t received any clarification on the misunderstanding, Rin figured that his absence when the other woke up might be startling, to say the least—he still refused to let go of Sae’s hand. “Night, Ni-Chan…” he mumbled, a little startled and caught off guard by the way that the irresistible, seductive urge to drift off into a long-overdue sleep snuck up on him in almost an instant. “I love you.” He couldn’t believe he’d almost forgotten the deep-rooted, intimate love he harbored for his older brother because of something as trivial as a moment of bitterness… but he supposed that, in the end, things would be fine.

Starting from the second his beloved Ni-Chan woke up, Rin would finally put a rest to everything once and for all.

Chapter Text

Nightmares; Sae couldn’t actively recall the last major, explicitly-gruesome or fear-inducing nightmare that had terrorized him since the night he’d woken up thrashing in panic-fueled, devastated daze—the night he’d re-earned acknowledgement from Rin, for the first time—but, under the sanity-straining, suffocating added weight that his subconscious-mind had managed to latch onto and consequently manifest within the dreamscape, Sae found himself unfortunate enough to be thoroughly reminded of the nightly-torture that he’d almost managed to forget.

                      ~^~^~^~^~^~

With pale, grotesquely water-bloated and bruise-littered skin, Rin—the somehow still-moving, ‘living’ corpse—slowly stumbled ever-closer to him… and, despite Sae’s best-efforts, he couldn’t scramble backwards quickly enough to actually create any distance; it felt as if, rather than water, an impossibly-heavy liquid-lead—could lead even be liquified?—had replaced the blood flowing through his veins, making it impossible to regain control… meaning that he was consequently trapped as a victim to an eternally losing-battle. Essentially, Sae was a helpless, completely-immobilized fly trapped in a spider’s web; death-fodder. “N-no!” he pleaded in the form of a small, strained whimper, his entire-being trembling with unbearable fear when, after having lost all remaining-strength in his already-exhausted body for no explicable reason, Sae helpless to do anything but watch when the staggering, unnaturally-moving corpse shuffled closer, and closer, and…

Walked right past him?

“W-what?” Sae’s gasped numbly, the sheer terror pumping through his veins in somehow-liquid form momentarily halting as a wave of faltering-confusion surged through him… but, when he—after having miraculously and inexplicably regained motor-control, strength, and command over his own body—whipped his head around to make sense of the impossible, sanity-crippling situation, Sae felt his already-aching, horror-stricken heart skip multiple long, drawn-out beats when the newfound context of the situation managed to pierce through the panicked-hazed and register: with a slowly, yet steady and unfaltering pace, corpse-Rin shuffled towards an void-like mass of ever-shifting blackness; the ocean. “Wha- wait! W-wait!” Sae shrieked with unreserved protest, just-barely managing to summon enough coordination and physical-strength to find footing on his trembling, jelly-like legs. “NO! NO! NO!” His screams were so guttural, raw, and animalistic that Sae felt as if the vocal-chords embedded somewhere within the cartilage-layered expanse of his throat would tear to shreds… but, despite the horrific, nauseating mental-image lurking in the background of his mind like a lingering shadow, he could not allow himself to be deterred. “RIN, NO! S-STOP IT NOW! PLEASE! DON’T DO T-THIS!” In his self-centered, thought-free panic, Sae hadn’t ever once considered that Rin, although appearing to be that of an intimidating, already-dead corpse, might be in danger. “N-NO! STOP! P-PLEASE…PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME AGAIN!” He screamed and begged desperately, his chest clutching and tightening with a sorrow so physically-intense that it knocked the wind out of him when a realization struck him with the force of an impact comparable to that of a bullet firing: it didn’t matter how loud he screamed, fast he ran, or desperately he pleaded… because Sae would never reach the shadowy and obscured, yet achingly-recognizable figure trudging away.

Nothing could stop Rin from leaving him.

Choking and gagging on nothing but his his own sorrow and shortness of breath, Sae continued to stumble in the vague direction of the ever-shrinking silhouette; the suffocating, pitch-black veil of pure-darkness had essentially blinded him to the point of being forced to react solely upon instinct. “PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!” Eventually, the sound of his manic, strangled pleas grew distant… Almost as if, the smaller and more narrowed Rin’s silhouette became, the less physical-sensation that Sae was able to perceive—this wasn’t surprising; Rin was his world… so, it made sense that all things tied to the perception of said world would dim and eventually taper-out with his disappearance.

By the time Rin’s barely-perceivable figure became nothing more than a small speck of still-shrinking black on the already-impossibly dark ‘horizon’, he found that he didn’t… exist anymore. Sae couldn’t see, hear, smell, speak, or even just move… and yet, as if a sadistic-oriented deity were purposefully tormenting him with the intent to revel in his suffering, he could somehow still understand and acknowledge the ‘sensation’ of Rin reaching the ocean- no… death; this time, it was irrefutably true and final.

Every last ounce of Sae’s being screamed, thrashed, and sobbed when the realization sank in; his baby-brother was dead… and he had been powerless to prevent it from happening. “No, no, no…” he whimpered breathlessly, a surge of powerful, intense denial possessing his entire body to run full-sprint towards the now-empty space his brother had just been. “N-no… you c-can’t.” He physically could not grasp the concept of Rin truly being dead… so, with a quickly-collapsing mind freed from all rational, Sae didn’t hesitate for even a split-second when he reached the ‘waters’ edge—the swirling, inky-black mass may be the ocean in spirit and representation… but, in its essence, it was simply death in physical-manifestation—before leaping head-first into it.

The second the initial micro-second of shock and adrenaline wore off, Sae felt every single nerve-ending in his entire body spike and prickle with pain. The impossibly-frigid ‘water’ curled around and gripped at him as if somehow manifested into a physical tendril of darkness attempting to yank him even further down into its unforgiving depths… and, despite the instinctual alarm-bells blaring and begging him to fight against it and escape, Sae didn’t; purposefully going utterly limp and boneless, he allowed death to drag him further and further down into the abyss… because, if he did, he would eventually meet Rin down there, wouldn’t he?

If his little brother were to die, then Sae wouldn’t hesitate to follow… so, slowly but surely and despite the fact that the ‘world’ around him consisted of nothing but the pitch-black abyss somehow still managing to grow steadily-darker, Sae allowed his eyes to slip shut—they were useless down here, anyways—and his heavy-mind to go still with a mixture of defeat, acceptance, and willingness. “Rin.” He whispered dully, not even sparing an ounce of entry to be surprised that, even in the impossibly-deep depths of the seemingly-bottomless ocean, he somehow still retained a physical, perceivable voice.

Feeling a frigid, yet somehow-comforting layer of icy-darkness seep into and infect the most out-of-reach corners of his defeated mind, Sae felt that he was ready. He could almost feel the promise of Rin’s presence lurking somewhere just beyond that last thin veil separating him from the land of eternal death… so, taking his last-ever breath, Sae both braced and willed himself to follow-

…

“Huh?” He exhaled out with confusion and shock, blinking his heavy-lidded, exhausted eyes open; he could see… but, how was that possible? This was the abyss; no light could shine in a place like this- “gah!” He gasped, struggling to process the stark contrast of warmth somehow prickling through his otherwise frigid, deathly-cold left-hand. “W-what the hell is-“ before he could even finish his question, Sae could suddenly perceive the sensation of his entire body being yanked with so much insistence it felt as if his shoulder might be torn from its socket. “N-no!? No!? No!?” He protested vehemently, pure desperate sorrow gripping his heart when the realization sank in; reaching the distant, yet steadily-growing source of light cutting through the darkness meant that he wouldn’t see Rin ever again! “NO! STOP IT! I DON’T WANT TO GO! DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE HIM!” It was hopeless; whatever cruel, merciless force conducting this final-act of sadism refused to listen to his plea.

Against his will, Sae’s rapidly-accelerating consciousness approached the quickly-growing light at terrifying speeds… its arrival signifying the forever loss of Rin. “NO!!!” Even if remaining in the abyss meant death, Sae would choose to stay… because, he would rather suffer in agonizing-pain for all of eternity rather than exist in a place where Rin no longer did. “D-don’t make me leave… Please don’t make me live without him-“ before he could even manage to finish his sorrowful-cry of dread, it happened; Sae reached the light…

He woke up.

                      ~^~^~^~^~^~

Sae blinked his exhausted, sleep-crusted eyes open a few times, his mind struggling the process the vertigo-like sensation of having been torn from the abstract dreamscape to reality… but, the moment everything fell into place and ‘clicked, he let out a strangled, utterly-defeated sob of pure mental-anguish—and physical, but he hardly had the energy to pay such superficial pain any energy. “No…” his voice was a weak, barely-audible thing; it signified Sae’s absolute reservation, exasperation, and newfound loneliness. “R-Rin.” Calling out his little-brother’s name was pointless; he was dead.

Despite the sensation of being lost—both in a physical and mental-sense—Sae’s mind still managed to retain enough information and coherency to recall the situation: He’d managed to interrupt Rin just as he’d been on the cusp of attempting suicide again… but, when it counted most, he’d failed.

Sae couldn’t recall having actively watched it happen… but, given the context and implications of the situation he’d left behind, there was only one logical conclusion to be reached in regards to what happened after he’d passed out; his little-brother had killed himself. “R-Rin, Rin… Rin.” He repeated over and over again like a shaky, denial-fueled mantra, his heart and mind both teetering on the edge of self-destruction and permanent-collapse-

“Ni-Chan?” A groggy-sounding, startling-close voice responded back quietly, the painfully-familiar lithe of it prompting his sorrowful, grieving mind to screech to a whiplash-worthy halt. Going stiff and rigid with disbelief, Sae blinked once again; up until now, he’d been looking around, but not actually… seeing. “You’re awake already?” With a pounding-heart and racing-mind, Sae began to register an important detail: a warm, familiar hand was currently intertwined and locked with one of his own… and, when he nervously allowed his gaze to sweep across the expanse of connecting-arm and eventually towards the source, he found-

“RIN!” Sae shrieked at full-volume, his dry, scratchy throat distorting it into something closer to that of a hoarse, strained rasp. “R-Rin!?” There his little-brother sat, tired-looking and a little bit disheveled, but alive and in seemingly-perfect health. “Rin!” Sae could not physically restrain himself from gasping the name out-loud; despite having wanted nothing more than to be greeted with this sight, his mind struggled to comprehend it.

“Ni-Chan.” ‘Rin’—he couldn’t yet be certain that this wasn’t his mind’s last-ditch attempt at denying the grief-inducing truth via hallucination—hummed back, his groggy, yet otherwise perfectly-alert and very-much alive turquoise eyes pausing to regard him reservedly for a few moments before wavering and sparkling with something impossibly-soft and affection-filled. “I-I’m… I’m here, don’t worry.” He assured gently, a small, earnest smile tugging the corners of his lips upward as he brought his free, unoccupied hand up to reach for Sae’s still-stunned face and wipe a stray tear rolling down his cheek; he hadn’t even realized he’d started to cry.

“W-what… how-“ His racing, shell-shocked heart was beating and thumping so wildly within his chest that Sae found he could barely manage a few words before choking and gagging on them. “Y-you’re supposed to- to be dead?” He stuttered, his shortness of breath paired with the sheer shock of the situation causing him to hyperventilate. “I- I thought you were dead! You were about to k-kill yourself! I saw it!” He wasn’t sure why Rin’s—extremely appreciated and relieving—presence prompted so much indignation and rage… but it did; he couldn’t help but succumb to the overwhelming frustration and confusion of the situation. “I saw you leaning forward! I s-saw your belongings organized into a pile… you were about to kill yourself again!” He accused blatantly, bringing a hand up to clutch at his heaving, hyperventilating chest in hopes of relieving even just a fraction of the pain; predictably, it did not work. “Y-you were trying to leave me again!” This time, rather than retain the indignation and passion that one would typically expect within an accusation, Sae’s voice crumbled and shattered under the unbearable pressure of his ever-present emotions; with a shuddering, full-body sob… he broke. “Y-you can’t leave me! N-not again… not again!” He gasped, shaking his head and clutching his arms around himself in a pathetically-attempted self-hug. “You can’t do that to me, Rin! You ca- mph!” Before he could process what had happened, Sae found his speech cut-off and muffled when something solid, warm, and steadying pressed against his face- or, rather, his face was coaxed and urged to rest against it; Rin’s shoulder—he hadn’t even realized that his little-brother had moved closer.

“Ni-Chan, I’m not going to kill myself- I never was.” Rin cut in before he could protest, bringing a hand up to rest on the back of Sae’s head and stroke through his disheveled, messy pink-hair in a gesture of soothing. “I promise that I won’t leave you.” He promised straightforwardly, the patient, confident and earnest tone he spoke with making it difficult for Sae’s exhausted, desperate mind to find—or want to find—fault in… but, the deadly-mixture of frayed-nerves, heightened emotion, and shortness of breath made it impossible for him to simply take the first word Rin gave him without extreme-levels of skepticism and doubt.

“Y-you’re lying… you’re a liar!” Sae accused vehemently, his voice thick with venom and frustrated-indignation… but, rather than get impatient or snappish, Rin’s only response was to hum and sigh with mild-exasperation before re-situating himself in a way that they could see eye-to-eye; though, he didn’t release the embrace or the hand still petting and smoothing-out Sae’s hair. “L-liar!” He repeated with a trembling voice, the white-hot flare of indignation and fight coiling in his chest almost immediately extinguishing when he caught sight of the patient, even, and love-filled flicker swimming within Rin’s sparkling, turquoise eyes. “You’re l-lying-“ he couldn’t finish; somehow without even having said a word beyond his initial few, his little-brother’s earnest, unfaltering gaze alone had managed to speak volumes to Sae’s aching, desperately-searching heart… and, if the small, amused chuckle that sounded through the room when his protests and accusations even faded out entirely, Rin understood his success. “Y-you’re telling the truth?” It was a meek, timid question fitting to embody the desperate plea it sourced from. “You- I-I’m… you’re n-“

“Shhh…” Rin shushed him when his trembling-stutter grew too unstable to lead anywhere. “I promise you that I’m telling the truth, Ni-Chan. I’ll explain everything and anything that you need… but- please, just rest for now, okay? I know that you’re scared, confused, and probably in a lot of pain… but over-exerting yourself could be bad.” His little-brother’s soothing, promising voice urged him, the desire to accept and give-in only further coaxed by the warm, familiar, and affection-filled embrace that Sae was almost-immediately swept back into the moment he’d finished talking… and, despite Rin being right—he was confused to a brain-numbing extent, terrified out of his mind for a multitude of reasons, and in a lot of mental and physical pain—he found the assuring, promising words paired with the physical, external comfort of being held by the one person he loved the most too soothing to resist against for a single-moment’s longer.

“… O-okay.”

For now, he just wanted to be held and comforted.

Chapter Text

Feeling the vibrations of Sae’s desperate, full-body sobs buzzing through him, Rin was once again forced to lament with mild-disbelief over the fact that, less than just twenty-four hours ago, he’d been so blinded and obscured by bitter-rage and resentment that he’d purposefully ignored and caused harm to the precious, crying Ni-Chan trembling within his embrace. “Shh...” He shushed his older-brother for what had to have been the hundredth time, extremely-careful to keep his voice the epitome of patient, endearing, and comforting. “It's okay, Ni-Chan.” Despite feeling guilty and remorseful for having acted in such a selfish, regretful-manner, the assurance did well to comfort and soothe Rin as well; after all, there was no reason to continue blaming, self-loathing, and beating himself up too much over something that he could fix and improve—he did still feel pretty bad, though.

“R-Rin.” Sae whimpered out with a stutter, the expression weighing-down his already-pouty, tear-ridden face making Rin’s heart seize with a mixture of mild-guilt, a little amusement, and a lot of loving endearment; with a slightly jutted-out, trembling bottom lip and red-rimmed, sparkling turquoise-eyes, Sae effectively attacked him with the most simultaneously pathetic, yet adorable pout that had ever graced his sight. “Rin…” periodically, his older-brother would pull back from the snuggle-fest to gaze directly into his eyes; Rin, with a both emotionally-heavy and touched heart, realized that Sae most-likely had to keep reminding himself that he was real—yeah… he really owed his older-brother a thorough, well-spoken apology for this.

“Ni-Chan.” Rin responded with an even, acknowledging hum, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards into a genuine-smile when, exactly as he’d predicted, the affectionate, intimate nickname prompted a small, emotion-filled sob from Sae—it was adorable. “I’m so sorry for making you worry, Ni-Chan.” He apologized with a long, drawn-out sigh, bumping his forehead against the other’s shoulder and allowing his eyelids to flutter shut. He hadn’t been anticipating making an attempt at apologizing immediately seeing as Sae still seemed to be dazed, overwhelmed, and generally-unreceptive… but, if the way his older-brother’s otherwise-constant, full-body sobbing lessened in response to him was any sort of indicator, it wouldn’t hurt to simply go with the flow. “The truth is that, after our confrontation a few nights ago, I got so caught-up and emotionally-flustered by everything that I thought I needed some sort of grand, overly-drastic change of pace to finally sort myself out.” He explained with mild-exasperation and disapproval towards his past-self’s strange, arguably-inexplicable train-of-thought and logic. “I wanted space away from you- and everything, honestly… and re-confronting my past with the ocean and everything associated with it just- I don’t know… for some reason, it sounded appealing enough for me to actually do it.” In truth, returning to and facing the ocean head-on wasn’t something he regretted. Discovering that he no-longer held reservations or negative-associations towards the sea had lifted a tremendously-heavy burden from him that, prior to the visit, he hadn’t even been aware that he still carried… However, the aspect of his decision that he did very-much regret was his failure to properly communicate his intentions and reasoning for choosing the ocean of all places to Sae; he should have been more considerate of his older-brother’s feelings. “But, Ni-Chan… I swear on everything important to me that I never had any intention of hurting myself when I went out there—it wasn’t even a passing afterthought. I know that, given everything that happened in the past, it’s probably impossible to believe me considering how sketchy the situation seemed… but it’s the truth.” He didn’t feel to need to exaggerate his sincerity and truthfulness to an obnoxious extent; Rin wasn’t lying, and he knew full-well that no amount of theatrics or forced-convincing would persuade his older-brother to believe him if he wasn’t already-willing and open to begin with—plus, it looked even-more suspicious and just plain cringe-worthy to grovel. “Do you believe me?” He hummed out curiously with a slight tilt of the head, a small but genuinely-amused smirk stretching across his lips when Sae’s expression pinched into one of meek, timid reservation.

After a long pause, Sae’s responded with a barely-perceptible, micro-shrug that Rin would have missed had he not been laser-focused on the other’s every movement and expression. “… you’re not lying.” He mumbled, the confident, unfaltering declaration of absolute-knowing catching Rin off-guard almost as much as the answer itself did. “I know that you’re not lying.” There wasn’t a single hint of uncertainty or doubt lingering even in the far-edge of his voice… and, piqued by this unexpected, inexplicable response, Rin found his mild-curiosity skyrocketing to the intense, consuming desire to understand what gave Sae such unfaltering confidence in his belief.

“How do you know?” Realistically, planting the seed-of-doubt into Sae’s fragile, emotionally-frayed mind might not be the very best of Rin’s ideas—especially if just to satisfy his superficial, unimportant curiosity—but, for whatever reason, he felt that he just had to hear his older-brother’s answer to the question.

“Just do.” Sae grumbled, apparently deciding that his short, unexplained response was a sufficient-enough answer seeing as, immediately after, he re-buried his face against Rin’s shoulder and once again devolved into a quiet, though slightly-more restrained fit of sobbing; his newfound display of control seemed to be a sign for hope. “Y-you could have just told me, y’know.” Sae sniffled out after a few more minutes of reserved-crying, the grasp he had on the back of Rin’s hoodie clutching and tightening ever-so-slightly. “If- if you just told me why, then-“ despite the sharp, sudden way his voice cracked and tapered off into nothingness, Rin understood his older-brother’s sentiments all too-well; if he had just taken the split-second to be mature and communicate, Sae wouldn’t have gotten hurt—in both the mental and physical sense; the bandage taped across his heavily-bruised, slightly-broken nose looked to be quite painful.

“I know.” Rin interjected immediately, frowning with self-dissatisfaction and mild-shame before letting out a sigh. “I should have told you, Ni-Chan. I’m- I feel awful for hurting you- and, by that, I mean accident scaring and kicking you in the face.” Given the fact he was apologizing quite sincerely, he hadn’t spoken with the intention to be joking by any means… which is why when Sae’s pouty-ish expression transformed blossomed into that of a small, genuinely-amused smile despite the still-flowing tears, Rin almost physically flinched backwards.

“Heh.” He chuckled with a smirk, one hand releasing its death-grip on the back of Rin’s hoodie to reach up to his bandaged-nose. “You got me pretty good…” Sae mused, the genuine-laughter that shortly followed confusing Rin as to whether or not he was meant to laugh along, or feel shitty for having caused such damage… but, when the small flicker of amusement dancing behind his older-brother’s wavering, averted-eyes once again seemed to fade, he decided on the latter. “Rin?”

“Y-yeah?” He scrambled to respond, the surface of his skin prickling with a discomfort and vulnerability that came upon him without warning; Despite Sae displaying no outward telling-gestures of judgment or resentment, Rin, for an inexplicable reason, felt as if the ‘expectations-bar’ had just been raised—plus, the dull, faded-out sheen glazing over Sae’s tear-filled, downcasted eyes made him extremely uncomfortable; he was desperate to fix everything right this very instant.

Without warning, Sae suddenly released the embrace they shared and retreated until his back rested against the hospital-pillow and bedframe; he severed their physical-contact. “S-sorry…” he apologized with a heavy, inexplicably guilt-ridden tone, the lack of context paired with the way his expression crumbled causing Rin to gasp and physically flinch with confused, dumbfounded shock—what could Sae be apologizing for right now? “I’m- I’m so sorry, Rin- I just… I-if I’d never been a terrible big-brother, then this- this whole thing—all of it—never would have happened, and…” he continued to stutter and ramble through another guilt-ridden, self-loathing apology… but, after the first few sentences, Rin stopped listening- not because he didn’t care or believe that Sae was being genuine—he obviously was—but, because he’d already received every form of apology possible from his older-brother in regards to this specific topic countless times over the course of the past few days; in the wake of his silent treatment, Sae had given it his damn best-effort to make his remorse undeniably-known.

Despite the fact that Rin had just apologized for having so-selfishly hurt Sae, his older-brother’s deep-rooted, seemingly-instinctual guilt and self-loathing had still managed to pull through and convince him that he should be the one apologizing for the situation… and Rin hated it; he despised how much he’d allowed his precious Ni-Chan to spiral from the mostly-happy, arguably high-spirited person he’d been pre-confrontation to the sobbing, trembling mess before him. “Ni-Chan, stop it.” He demanded, not even pausing to listen to whatever the other might be spouting about before doing so—it wouldn’t be anything new. “Stop apologizing right now.” There would most-likely never come a day where he truly forgave Sae for the things he’d done—a conclusion he’d already reached many, many of times in the recent-past—but Rin did not want to hear anymore apologies about it either; he wanted to put Sae’s guilt and their relationship-turmoil to rest for good, if possible. “Listen, we have to talk about-“ he began with utmost-determination and resolve… but, because life enjoyed screwing the both of them over, Sae’s doctor—unfortunately not Dr.Takashi; Seeing as Rin quite liked and respected the man, that would have been a fun coincidence—took that very moment to walk in, politely greeting the both of them before going into a mandatory briefing Sae’s of condition—spoiler, he was perfectly fine—and just boring hospital-jargon in general; if she noticed the red-rimming of his older-brother’s blatantly tear-agitated eyes, she said nothing.

“Alright, thanks.” Sae mumbled in short, clearly-exhausted response, just-barely managing a wobbly, forcibly-polite smile and nod when the intruding doctor finally left the room… and, to Rin’s startled-surprise, just when he’d been about to open his mouth to pick up their conversation, he was almost immediately interrupted once again… but, this time, by Sae himself. “U-uhm… how about we just head back home?” His older-brother offered in a too-loud, still extremely-forced tone of voice that sounded. Rin’s internal warning-sirens.

“Huh? What about our- hey, wait?” Rin called out, startling and frowning deeply when, without warning, Sae practically leapt up from his hospital-bed and marched right past him and out the door. “I- what? Ni-Chan! You’re still recovering, don’t you need to rest more?” Rationally, he knew that, physically, Sae was—for the most part—perfectly fine… but still; it made his worry-stricken heart skip a nervous beat at the sight of his older-brother rushing about after having just broken-down multiple times in the last hour—plus, for whatever reason, it was obvious that Sae was purposefully trying to avoid the conversation he’d been trying to start; Rin didn’t understand why seeing as he hadn’t even offered the slightest bit of context before they’d been interrupted.

“I'm fine.” Came Sae’s short, almost defensive-sounding response. “I- please… Please can we just go home?” He essentially begged when, after a steady hand landed on his shoulder in an attempt to catch his attention, he hesitantly turned his fearful gaze towards him; Sae was scared right now… and after a few moments of staring into his still-teary, almost-dreading turquoise eyes, Rin’s mind managed to click the last puzzle-piece into place.

Unlike him, Sae didn’t know that Rin had reached the conclusion and decision that he had regarding the future of their relationship… meaning that hearing something as ominous as ‘we need to talk’ right after having apologized most-likely had led his mind to assume the worst; he probably still thought that Rin resented him… and, like everything else about the messed-up situation, it was heartbreaking. “I… okay, Ni-Chan.” He eventually relented, hoping that the gentle, patient, and purposefully-fond tone would do well to soothe his older-brother’s obvious sorrow and anxiety—he didn’t want to go into details in the hospital seeing as Sae would most-likely benefit from a stable, private environment when having their talk; Rin hoped to spare him the humiliation of possibly having a breakdown in a public-space. “Let’s go home.” He agreed, offering a small, assuring smile when Sae gave him a reserved, emotion-filled glance.

“Thanks…” he murmured with a shrug, his entire outward demeanor still obviously weighed-down with the pain of his misunderstanding… but, despite the fact that it did sting and prickle at Rin’s heart, he didn’t allow himself to feel too disheartened by it…

Because, the moment they got home, he would make sure that his Ni-Chan never cried over something like this ever again.

Chapter Text

Humans are creatures of priority; the majority of people only have the capacity to concern themselves with the most pressing, imminent problem or threat currently facing them whilst forgetting about or ‘pushing-aside’ the ones with less relevance… and, unfortunately, Sae did not happen to be the unique, one-in-a-million exception to this cruel, deceptive trait. Being so laser-focused and caught-up with the most immediate, dangerous threat—the belief that Rin had been on the verge of killing himself—Sae’s preoccupied, distracted mind had temporarily allowed for him to glaze-over the slightly-less threatening predicament that was their ‘relationship-status’… until now, that was.

The sheer relief that had flooded through Sae’s tensed-up, impossibly-rigid and anxiety-ridden body the moment he realized that he’d been misunderstanding the situation could most-likely relax and soothe even the most stressed-out human-being on the planet… but, it hadn’t lasted long. Referring back to the law of ‘human priority’ mentioned earlier, Sae’s relief had very-quickly turned sour and bitter when the reminder that this, Rin’s temporary affection and kinship towards him, was just that: temporary.

Just because Sae had been idiotic-enough to create a predicament that ended-up forcing Rin into the position of ‘concerned, caring little-brother’ didn’t actually equate to anything being fixed… meaning that, despite how kind, gentle, and patient he’d been treated in the midst of his emotional-breakdown, Sae couldn’t suppress worst-assumption that ‘we need to talk’ translated into: ‘Once you’re well-enough and emotionally-stable, we’ll be parting ways forever’—arguably a crude, irrationally-pessimistic ‘translation’, but he couldn’t help but believe it to be whole-heartedly true; after all, the side-predicament they’d found themselves in didn’t actually work to change or alter what had happened during their confrontation in the slightest… So, how could Sae hope to believe that it would have any effect on his little-brother’s perspective or decision in regards to the future of their relationship?

The sheer amount of mental-fortitude required to initiate the loss-of-contact between them had taken every last ounce of Sae’s willpower—he couldn’t endure the bittersweet, ultimately-cruel embrace for a moment longer, seeing as he already knew the inevitable outcome of their relationship as a whole—meaning that, when the actual moment-of-confrontation and finalizing had rolled around, he didn’t have the mental-strength left to face it head-on; like a delusional, in-denial coward, Sae had blatantly dodged and misdirected the inevitable with a poorly-crafted, pathetic ‘excuse’—in quotes; could his desperate, exhausted plea even be labeled as an excuse when it had no focus-point or fabrication?—in an attempt to delay and just flat-out ignore what he knew was about to happen.

In all honesty, despite feeling utterly ashamed and self-disgusted to even be considering the pathetic, cowardly option, Sae felt that, if Rin were to permanently cut-ties between them regardless, then couldn’t he simply continue to ignore and live in denial of the situation until the actual moment of forever-parting came? “Tch.” He clicked his tongue, his stomach curling with disapproval and self-inflicted humiliation at the notion of running away; tempting as it may be, hiding from and avoiding the consequences of his mistakes would be one last final-act of cowardly selfishness that would do nothing but take-away finalization and closure from the both of them—at the very least, Sae couldn’t add that act of self-centered cruelty to the already-long list of ‘ways he’d hurt Rin’.

He had to confront this head-on.

Inwardly-grimacing and fidgeting with extreme-discomfort at just the thought alone, Sae suppressed a weary, defeated sigh—he didn’t want to make a scene; the Uber-driver they’d contacted was the silent-type, meaning that any sound of outward discomfort or turmoil would be clear-as-day to either of the two other people in the car—before sideways-glancing at Rin through his peripherals. For someone most-likely plotting the permanent-end of their relationship, his little-brother seemed to be in noticeably high-spirits—perhaps the bitter-resentment and ultimate-detachment he harbored towards Sae and their brotherhood was so overpowering that he was simply relieved and dare-say even excited to be permanently severing the remains of their bond?

…

That felt like the mental-equivalent of being hit in the groin with a football- no… actually, it felt much, much worse; physical-anguish was—for the most-part—fleeting and superficial… but, the festering, ever-present pain that lingered within the mind-scape like a haunting, disgustingly-twisted shadow was eternal.

Squirming and chewing on his bottom-lip with enough insistence to draw a small pinprick of blood, Sae squeezed his now tear-filled eyes shut, desperately pleading with and willing for the stabbing, unbearable pang of sharp, biting pain that pierced through his already-aching, defeated heart to pass; though, unfortunately, being determined and resolved to choose the morally-right, unselfish route did not mean that the merciless-grip of agony and heartbreak spared him even the smallest of mercy or reprieve. “Shit.” He cursed out with an almost-inaudible hiss through roughly-gritted teeth, startling and flinching what felt like and very-well could’ve been multiple inches out of his seat when a gentle, yet extremely-startling hand came to rest on his tensed-up, knotted shoulder.

“Ni-Chan?” Rin’s soft, deceptively-patient voice called out to him—why couldn’t he just drop the ‘Ni-Chan’ already? Sae knew it wouldn’t last very much longer, so why inadvertently-torture him with the bittersweet nickname even further?

“… Y-yeah?” He just-barely managed through still-gritted teeth, his voice thick and heavy with blatantly-obvious weight, sorrow, and general-turmoil. “What do you want, Rin?” He didn’t intend to project himself with such short, frustrated-sounding exasperation… But, given the fact that he was once again teetering on the absolute-edge of a full mental-breakdown, he had to fallback on any coping-mechanism that wasn’t devolving into a fit of messy, pathetic sobs—Saving his sorrowful-tears for later when Rin ended their relationship and consequently shattered his already-cracking heart might be a smarter plan; he would definitely need them.

Rather than comment or be deterred by his barely-concealed exasperation and misdirected-aggitation, Rin simply continued to speak with a patience and kindness that he found to be painfully bittersweet. “Please try not to stress-out too much, Ni-Chan.” If Sae didn’t know any better, he might’ve assumed that his little-brother was suggesting that he remain positive and hopeful… but, already having come to bitter terms with the merciless, unforgiving, and inescapable truth, he refused to allow himself the weakness; the ‘words of encouragement’ were most-likely Rin’s best-attempt at hinting as a means of letting him down gently—again, a cruel, bittersweet ‘mercy’ when taking into account the soon-to-be fate of their relationship.

Not knowing how to respond to such inadvertently-cruel, ‘passive-aggressive’—in quotes because he didn’t believe Rin to be doing it with purposeful malice intent—words of ‘assurance’—they were not assuring in the slightest—Sae opted to press his trembling, wavering lips into a tight line and remain silent for the tortuously-long remainder of the car-ride; with every passing second that urged them closer to ‘the end’—he felt the ominous, blatantly-forboding label did well to encompass the sheer dread the actual thing invoked—Sae felt the incoming-headache—or worse, possible migraine—worsen, the pain feeling equivalent to that of a nail being hammered into his skull.

“Thank you, ma’am.” He heard the sound of Rin’s distant-sounding, vaguely-distorted voice thanking their Uber-driver, his general-disorientating only worsening after stepping out of the car on unstable, haphazardously-shaky feet and gracelessly falling in step behind his little-brother on their strangely long-feeling journey to the front-door—had the distance from the nearest-road to their home always been this far? “Ah- I’ve got it, Ni-Chan… don’t push yourself.” Rin rushed to assure and help when, after a few moments of awkward, uncoordinated dazed-fumbling, Sae managed to drop the house-key for the second time—he was having a difficult time seeing straight right now.

Dazedly and without coherency, he stumbled through the open-door after being gestured and ushered forward by Rin to go in first… and, for whatever inexplicable reason, stepping foot into the shared, nostalgia-filled home that he and his little brother had spent not only their entire childhood together, but also shared month-of-healing allowed for the true weight of the situation to dawn on him. At any moment now, Rin’s deceptively patient, love-filled gaze would falter… the small, fond glimmer of recognizable light sparkling within his turquoise-colored eyes flickering and fading away into nonexistence as he broke the deeply-dreaded, heart-shattering news: Sae’s mistakes were far too grave to be overlooked… meaning that this—their bond as brothers—would be better off severed permanently.

Everything they’d survived, persevered, and healed through had, ultimately, been a complete and utter waste of time. From the moment those cruel, inhumane words had left past-Sae’s mouth, the fate and destined-outcome of their future had already been written; in the bitter, comedically-ironic work of art that Sae himself had essentially hand-painted, karma herself forewarned of his little-brother’s inevitable departure… but, up until this very moment, he’d just been too ignorantly-hopeful and stubborning-deluded to acknowledge it. “S-shit…” Sae cursed out with a thin-pressed, wavering smile of unreserved bitterness and self-loathing, his unstable, weak-kneed legs subconsciously stopping dead in their tracks halfway through the entrance hallway; Despite his very-best efforts, his half-baked, half-hearted attempt at maintaining a put-together, not emotionally-unstable outward-appearance faltered… meaning that, while suffering through the already-humiliating, torture-like pain of having his heart ripped out of his chest, Sae would be doing so with a pathetic face-full of tear-tracks.

What would usually be the perfectly-average, totally-innocent sound of Rin closing the front-door, turning the lock, and shuffling into the house behind him currently sounded like a death-sentence to Sae’s expecting mind; with every ‘de-winding’ step that his little-brother accomplished, brought the inescapable, fate-sealing moment that much closer. “Ni-Chan.” Rin’s painfully-soft voice called out, the nickname sending a pang of what-felt-like actual physical agony through Sae’s charged, anxiety-ridden heart—at this point, he would be willing to beg that his little-brother just stop with the ‘Ni-Chan’; he could not endure the notion that the it would not be permanent.

If he were the mature, level-headed adult that he liked to pretend that he was, Sae would have turned around to meet Rin’s decision—the one he had full right and justification to be making, mind you—head-on and with respectful, acknowledging acceptance… But, because, at heart, he was still just a small, broken little-boy yearning for the love and admiration of his soon-to-be-gone little-brother, he couldn’t. “Y-yeah, Rin?” He sighed, not even trying to suppress or obscure the exhaustedly-empty defeat that weighed down his almost-inaudible, utterly-deflated voice; Sae was well-aware of the fact that, despite being turned and faced-away, Rin knew exactly what kind of expression he wore—and probably didn’t care in the slightest; why would he care about someone he resented enough to cut-ties with?

“Ni-Chan…” Rin repeated with a completely-indecipherable tone, his noticeably closer presence prompting Sae’s entire body to go stiff as a board; with a handful of simple, straightforward words, his little-brother would be gone… and Sae would forever be ruined. He would spend his life looking-back on memories of their shared-childhood, wishing that moments like those could have lasted forever… Wishing that the bright, admiring smile he used to receive with little-to-no effort would continue to shine-upon and grace him with its innocent, love-filled presence; Sae would spend every single day, hour, minute, and even second wondering what life with a loving, admiring little-brother still by his side could have been like had this fate-sealing, life-ruining moment never come to pass- “Ni-Chan… promise you’ll stay with me forever?”

…

…

…

What?

Chapter Text

“Ni-Chan… promise you’ll stay with me forever?” Rin’s impossibly-soft, undeniably-earnest voice hummed out to him with a somewhat-timid, almost-meek sweetness that caused Sae’s confused, shell-shocked, and in-denial mind to short-circuit to the point of overheating and frying; he must have misheard- or, perhaps this impossible, inexplicable turn-of-events was some sort of misunderstanding or delusion-induced, last-ditch hallucination?

“What.” It wasn’t even a question; Sae’s mind felt so stunned and borderline-paralyzed with a mixture of confusion, fear, and the oh-so-dreaded hope that he couldn’t even manage anything beyond the perfectly-flat, toneless word… and, in what was unfortunate-news for his shell-shocked, petrified, and last-remaining brain-cell, Rin just had to go and make the situation even more mind-boggling pulling him into a loose, yet secure embrace from behind.

“Please, Sae? Promise me that you’ll be my brother- that you’ll be my Ni-Chan forever?” Hearing Rin repeat the question with the exact-same loving, undeniably-affection-filled tone did not make it even the slightest bit easier to comprehend the second time around; Sae’s brain still felt like the human-equivalent of a pile of melted, shapeless mush. “I love you.” He added almost immediately after, his previously light, somewhat-unbothered voice wavering and hitching with thick, telling stuffiness; Rin was—or was on the verge of—crying. “Ni-Chan, I- I was so stupid for acting the way that I did after our conversation… and I’m not just talking about the way I scared you by disappearing to the ocean anymore, either.” There was zero chance; there was no way in hell that his little-brother meant what Sae’s desperate, hopeful mind and heart wanted to believe that he did- “I just- talking about everything hurt so much. It re-opened a lot of old-wounds—for you as well, I’m sure—and, in the heat of the moment, I just didn’t understand how to process it all. Ni-Chan, I… I really meant what I said that night- that I want you in my life… that I need you in my life. Sae, you’re my big-brother and I- honestly, I love you more than I do anyone else in the entire world… and I don’t want to throw all of that away. You have no idea how much you hurt me with all of the things that you said… but, at the same time, you’re not that person anymore—not even close. I’m- you mean everything to me- and, yeah… I’m still a little- no, a lot mad about what you did—a part of me probably always will be—but… I don’t want to let that drive a wedge between us anymore. What I’m trying to say is just… Please don’t ever leave me again, Ni-Chan? I want my big-brother in my life—I don’t think I’d be able to survive another few years alone—s-so… please don’t cry or stress-out anymore, okay? I don’t know exactly what you were imagining that I was going to say, but I think that I understand the gist of it, and- and… just know that it’s not like that… because I want and need my Ni-Chan beside me from now on.” Rin finished with a racing heart and a long, somewhat-shaky exhale that Sae could feel against his back; his little-brother was overwhelmed- no… even more than just flustered or overwhelmed, he sounded genuinely nervous.

“I-“ Sae opened his mouth in an attempt to formulate or ‘jump-start’ an even halfway-coherent response, the loose-wiring and mind-fog prompting his already wavering, strained voice to crack and trail off before he could manage a singular word; the exaggerated time and amount of retries that it took for him to register, process, and thoroughly-analyze Rin’s declaration in full could be considered borderline-embarrassing… but, given the way Sae pulled out of the embrace, turned on his heel to whip around, and simply just… stared at his still-silent, nervous-looking little-brother with blank, almost-disbelieving eyes and a slightly-agape mouth, he would say that his previous sentiments of embarrassment were mild in comparison—not that he cared either way; he was much too busy searching for any indicators that he’d somehow devolved into a fit of hallucination and that this wasn’t real. “You-“ Sae had seen pictures of other peoples’ faces and mouths getting swollen from allergic-reaction and, despite not being prone to or having actually experienced first-hand any allergies—that he was currently aware of, at least—himself, he felt that the rebellious, uncooperative way his mouth betrayed him could be compared to those aforementioned instances. “S-stay?” He choked out thickly; It was crude, lacked clarification, and bordered on that of caveman-level communication… but, seeing as Rin seemed to almost-immediately understand his desperate sentiments, it would suffice.

Bringing a sleeved-hand up to wipe at the tear-tracks trailing down his own face, Rin sniffled before allowing the corners of his lips to tug upwards in a small, yet radiant smile that did well to emphasize the warmth and honest vulnerability emitting from him. “Yeah, Ni-Chan… I want you to stay- if… if that’s okay with you, I mean. I know that you’re probably still mad at me for freaking you out with the whole ‘ocean thing’…” That’s why Rin sounded and seemed so nervous and anxiety-ridden in general right now; he himself didn’t seem to be 100% confident that his request would be accepted- which… wow, his little-brother could be dense sometimes—Sae didn’t spend the last two months tearing-apart, criticizing, and reconstructing his shit-personality while simultaneously repairing and healing his relationship with Rin just to make such a petty, ridiculously-idiotic and spite-driven decision at the very last second; if he were to ever regress into a creature that dumb and emotionally-stunted, he would much rather just be shot and put out of his misery.

Opening and closing his mouth a few times in a fish-like manner, Sae once again found himself at a complete and utter loss of words—not that he’d exactly acquired any to begin with; ‘S-stay?’ could hardly be qualified as a coherent, well-thought-out question or deployment of actual complex-speech, he felt. “Seriously?” He eventually managed after an almost-obnoxious amount of ‘mental de-cluttering’, his voice bordering on that of a disbelieving, almost-sarcastic drawl. “Are you actually asking me if I’m okay with this?” The fact that his little-brother harbored even just the most-minuscule fraction of doubt was laughable; he’d been quite literally dreaming of moment where, even after having confronted the darkest, heaviest corners of their shared-past, Rin still chose Sae to be his Ni-Chan… which is precisely why, despite the impossibly-relieving warmth, comfort, and love that bloomed in his heart, the moment felt so surreal that Sae wasn’t even surprised when he once again devolved into a fit of quiet, full-bodied sobs. “Y-you can’t actually think that I’d ever say no, right?” If, somewhere in a distant parallel-word, an alternate-version of him said ‘no’, then Sae would like to inter-dimensional travel and punch that idiotic-clone square in the already-broken nose. “Rin, I- you really mean it? You’re not just saying it because you feel bad or pressured, right? B-because I… if you do, then- gh.” Before he could even finish, the colliding-impact of Rin essentially tackling him into another tight, telling embrace provided Sae with all of the information that he required; this was real.

He hadn’t lost his little-brother to suicide, depression, or even the suffocating, overbearing weight of his own past-mistakes and imperfect-shortcomings; side-by-side and through all of the pain, bad-times, and re-opened wounds, Sae and Rin’s shared-brotherhood had managed to persevere…

Together, they had managed to heal.

“Ni-Chan….” Rin mumbled, his adorable, noticeably still-meek tone of voice catching Sae’s full attention in a heartbeat. “You… You still didn’t promise me- I just… Please, promise me that you’ll be my Ni-Chan forever and no matter what?” Just when he figured that his little-brother couldn’t find a way to melt his already-gooey, puddle-resembling heart any further, he somehow managed to find a way—it really wasn’t fair how innocent Rin seemed sometimes; especially considering that, in the exact opposite end of the spectrum, there resided the gremlin-like, snarky little brat hellbent on being a sarcastic, sassy little shit. “Please…?” his little-brother practically pleaded with a desperate, weak-sounding sniffle- and… well, how could Sae bear to keep him waiting?

Taking a moment to compose himself both physically and mentally, Sae let out a long, drawn-out exhale of pure relief as he brought a hand up to rest on and ruffle Rin’s already-disheveled dark-green hair affectionately. “Of course I promise, Rin… no matter what, your Ni-Chan will always be here for you. I will never be idiotic-enough to hurt or abandon my baby-brother ever again.” He promised without even the slightest falter or split-second hesitation—Sae would be damned if, after everything they’d gone through, he’d ended up giving his little-brother insecurities or trust-issues because of something as trivial and stupid as a hitch or breath or unfortunately-timed stutter. “I- I love you, Rin… more than anything in the world.” He added quietly after a few beats of heavy, yet comfortable silence passed between them, his lips tugging upwards into a small, yet sincere smile as a fresh wave of tears and soft sobs—ones of joy, relief, and love—once again swept through him.

Sae had done it; Every slow, tortuous night he’d spent festering in self-loathing, every idiotic or insensitive mistake and self-hindrance he’d caused along the way, every-single merciless stab his heart had suffered whenever he’d been outright rejected and ignored… it had all been worth it in the end. Rin, his little-brother, was choosing to live right alongside him. “I love you too, Ni-Chan.” Said little-brother repeated without a hint of reservation or deceit, the affectionate nickname—that he now knew he could fully appreciate without the fear of losing it—paired with the adorable, affectionate way Rin nuzzled against his shoulder and relaxed causing Sae’s heart to bloom and overflow with so much love that he felt it may burst.

This was different from the night Rin had acknowledged and verbally expressed his desire to make an attempt at repairing their relationship… because, this time, the most-severe, by-far threatening obstacle that stood between them and their newly-developing bond had been tackled and—although not without an almost-trivial amount of turbulence and drama—eventually conquered- and, yeah… Sae was well-aware of the fact that there would most-likely always be more to discuss, confront, and work through in regards to their past… but, now, he no longer had to fear or feel genuinely-threatened by these inevitable, possibly even soon-to-be occurrences.

Sae would no longer have to spend a countless amount of restless-hours and waking nights griping with and being torn-apart by the mind-numbing, ruthless-monster that was the embodiment of his anxiety, self-hatred, and bleak sense of hope all combined into one twisted, merciless pain… because, despite knowing that healing and moving-forward together wouldn’t miraculously turn into a journey of rainbows, sunshine, and zero road-bumps, Sae wouldn’t have face it weighed down by the crippling threat of possible loneliness and loss.

No matter how unreasonably-difficult of an obstacle life might present him with, Sae knew that, aided by the unconditional love and companionship of his little-brother, he would be okay…

They would be okay.

Chapter Text

Rin, despite having already been completely-aware of how the situation would ultimately turn-out—the self-doubt and moment of insecurity where he’d believed that Sae would reject his declaration of love and brotherhood had been genuine, yet ultimately short-lived; the fear had been real… but the belief that his older-brother might legitimately refuse was flimsy and realistically only driven by the emotional-charge and heat of the moment itself—couldn’t help but sob with a relief and long, drawn-out breath; the severity at which this impacted him—albeit being in a positive, very-much welcomed way—could be comparable to that of Sae—the half who had been teetering on the edge of prolonged doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty. “Ni-Chan…” Rin mumbled out against his older-brother’s warm, stabilizing shoulder for what had to have been the tenth time, his voice still weighed-down and heavy with the ‘after-tone’ and heaviness of emotion-filled sobbing… but, aided by the soothing, comforting words of Sae helping him to relax, he slowly but surely found his tensed, trembling body eventually steady with a sense of peace that felt almost surreal.

“Shh… it’s okay, Rin.” Sae sighed with a slight, but definitely-present amused-exasperation tinging his voice—it wasn’t fair; how did Sae, being the one left in the confusion-inducing, disorientating darkness of uncertainty for much longer Rin, recover and regain all sense of composure so damn quickly- and, don’t get him wrong… it was definitely a good thing that his older-brother had received the situation and good-news with minimal complications and emotional-outburst… but still, how did he end up being the sensitive, in-need-of-comforting little-brother without even having seen it coming!? “Ni-Chan is here, I promise.”

…

Okay, fine… To be fair, in certain situations, Rin quite enjoyed being the spoiled, doted-over little-brother. “Y-you better be.” He grumbled with mild-warning and a sharp, expectant huff; despite liking being doted-over, comforted, and adored by his precious Ni-Chan, he couldn't have moments of too-prolonged softness without remembering to still occasionally sprinkle in a familiar hint of brattiness—plus, the playful, teasing fallback method of coping did well to lighten the comfortable, yet still somewhat-charged and heavy atmosphere between them… until Sae just had to go and make it serious again, that was.

Rather than meet his purposefully-placed banter-inducing trap with an equal amount of playful snark or sarcasm, Sae simply brought a hand up to gently coax Rin’s buried, concealed face out from the safety and protection of his shoulder. “I am and always will be here for you, Rin.” He declared firmly with unfaltering-determination, his turquoise-blue eyes blazing and crackling with an intense, inferno-like heat and passion so absolute that it almost seemed to dare Rin to doubt or challenge his resolve.

Having expected a light-hearted, trivial attempt at banter in response to his snarky comment, Rin found himself so caught off guard and moved by his older-brother’s unexpected, touching words of sentiment and declaration that he couldn’t help but feel a little shy and meek in the face of them. “… I- I know, Ni-Chan.” He murmured bashfully, a mixture of warm-embarrassment and light-hearted begrudgence surging through him when Sae brought a hand up to wipe and smudge away the still-leaking tears from his averted, shyly downcasted eyes.

Taking a few moments to regard him evenly, Sae eventually nodded with a victorious, almost-smug hum of satisfaction. “Good.” Seriously, Rin hated to see his beloved older-brother shedding tears of genuine hurt and suffering… but, couldn’t at least be a little less quick-to-adapt and smug about the situation right now? “I love you, Rin.” This time, rather than stutter with the weighted-pressure of overwhelming-emotion, Sae declared it with an unquestionably-strong, unfaltering, and perfectly-steady voice that demanded faith; he spoke as if he were reciting the most well-known, undeniably true fact known to mankind.

“Yeah, yeah…” Rin grumbled with a low sigh of mock-exasperation that did next-to-nothing to conceal the poorly-hidden flustered bashfulness dwelling just beneath its flimsily-crafted facade. “I love you too, Ni-Chan.” He admitted without begrudgence; he might he a stubborn, ‘spoiled-brat’—Next time he saw Isagi in person, he would crush the little bastard for daring make such a joke over text-message—but he refused to taint the pure, earnest declaration with mock-hesitation or false-uncertainty; though, that being said, he did purposefully push past Sae’s hand to rebury and hide his tear-stained face against the other’s protective, comforting shoulder.

To his mild-surprise, the simple, multiple-times repeated declaration caused a small, yet noticeable crack in Sae’s armor of perfect-composure; After failing to inconspicuously sniffle and wipe at own tears, his older-brother wasted no time before tightening the already-secure embrace they held each other in before letting his head fall heavy against Rin’s shoulder. “Thank you…”

Shrouded with comfortable, easy-going, and meaningful silence, the both of them spent the better half of the next ten minutes choosing to simply just stand there and enjoy the comforting embrace that was each other and the situation in full and, honestly, they would have most-likely remained there in that exact same position for much longer if the sound of the front-doorbell chiming and ringing through the hallway hadn’t startled and reminded them both of the fact that, despite how much it may feel like it, the surrounding world hadn’t actually froze for the sake of their little moment. “Huh? Who’s that?” Rin mumbled without bothering to unbury his face from his older-brother’s shoulder, his voice thick with slight-grogginess and sluggishness; the sheer relief and joy that came with establishing peace and acceptance with Sae had lulled him into a sleepy, extremely-comfortable daze.

Clicking his tongue and sounding much more agitated by the disturbance than Rin himself did, Sae, with very noticeable begrudgence and borderline-frustration, gently maneuvered and retracted himself from their shared embrace with an apologetic smile, his expression very-quickly transforming into one of mild-bitterness when he turned to look in the direction of the unidentified-intruder still obscured by the door as if they had personally wronged him for interrupting. “Who the hell…” he hissed with unfiltered-prickliness, but he almost immediately trailed off when, after whipping the door open with much more force than necessary, the sight of Dr.Sato standing on the other side greeted them. “Oh-“ Sae gasped, his expression flickering with that of recognition that Rin felt went beyond the shallow, surface-level surprise of simply not expecting the man’s appearance at such a random time.

“Hello.” Dr.Sato greeted with a polite smile, his sky-blue eyes almost immediately brushing past Sae to glance in his direction and, when their gazes met, Rin didn’t miss the way the doctor’s expression softened and lit up with very-noticeable relief—that’s right, he’d almost forgotten; not only had he worried his older-brother after essentially vanishing into thin-air without a trace to satiate the impulsive, spontaneous urge to visit the ocean, but he must’ve also worried Dr.Sato too. “Rin…” He exhaled out with a long, drawn-out breath, the tension and knotting in his abnormally-stiffened shoulders visibly relaxing and loosening. “You’re back. I’m glad to see that you’re okay.”

“Oh- uhm… yeah.” Rin nodded awkwardly after regaining his mental-footing—it felt strange and a tad-but surreal to be ‘moving on’ and continuing with life considering that the emotional-charge and almost-dissociation that came with his and Sae’s finalized reconciliation still felt so fresh and unsettled—a surge of mild-guilt and remorse seizing him; Dr.Sato might only be his therapist and, realistically, still a stranger in many aspects… but he was a good man who genuinely cared for both his and Sae’s wellbeing, which is why Rin did reserve some guilt for having caused him stress. “Yeah, I’m sorry about- wait…” he trailed off before finishing the apology, an uncomfortable wave of jitteriness and anxiety crashing over him when, halfway through, a realization struck him. “Did- uhm… did my brother tell you about where I went?” Assuming that Dr.Sato became aware of his absence via and around the same time as Sae, he too might have the wrong impression of what Rin’s intentions had been; if his older-brother had panicked and outwardly-displayed the distress of his misunderstanding, his therapist might feel inclined to also believe and act upon the worst assumption—Rin had spent way too many hours on that damn bed opening-up and gushing about his most-sensitive, deeply-rooted feelings just for a trivial misunderstanding to be the thing that dissuaded his therapist from clearing and allowing him back into BlueLock.

Pausing to regard him for a few moments with his analytical, blatantly-calculating gaze, Dr.Sato eventually shook his head with a small, polite smile that didn’t distract from the curious, searching, and still obviously-worried flicker that momentarily passed through his expression. “No, other than him alerting me of your unexpected absence, he left the house before informing me of the details.” He answered lightly and with an easygoing shrug, the awkward, slightly-stiff, and apologetic mumble he received from Sae in response causing him visible amusement. “It’s okay, Sae… though, I must say deciding whether or not I should remain in your unoccupied home as instructed or find a key, lock up, and leave caused me quite a bit of stress. This incident has made me realize that I’m perhaps not entirely informed of every aspect of situational-protocol.” Dr.Sato huffed out with a small, unbothered chuckle, nodding and politely smiling when, after another slightly-awkward apology, Sae stepped aside and gestured for him to enter.

“Ah… I’m sorry about that too. I should have been more considerate of the people around me before vanishing without a word like that.” Rin sighed with a somewhat-stiff shrug of the shoulders, making it a point to give both Dr.Sato and Sae an unreserved, head-on glance of apologeticness that he hoped would express the extent of his guilt.

“It’s okay, I’m sure you had your reasoning… but, seeing as I am your therapist and that your sudden-departure very-clearly caused Sae stress, I would prefer to be given some context on the situation… if you feel comfortable enough to share, that is.” The doctor explained with patient, carefully-calculated thoughtfulness; he obviously really wanted-to and was suggesting that Rin open-up but, being a therapist—and just patient, considerate man in general—he still remained reserved-enough to not appear as threatening or forceful.

Being clear-of-conscience and aware that, from the beginning, he hadn’t ever been planning to do something incriminating, Rin reserved zero hesitancy or self-doubt when nodding his head in nonchalant-agreement. “Of course.” Despite how… sketchy he realized that his story and train-of-thought might appear when retold, he felt no anxiety or doubt that Dr.Sato would believe his earnest-explanation with little-to-no skepticism; almost as if he had a built-in lie detector, his therapist always seemed to know when he was lying, embellishing, or withholding information… But, that being said, the opposite was also true. Dr.Sato never questioned or expressed even the slightest hint of disbelief whenever he was being earnest, truthful, and unguarded—therapist’ instincts paired with a degree in psychology, he supposed—meaning that, seeing as Sae hadn’t planted the initial seed-of-doubt like he’d feared, Rin most-likely had nothing to worry about.

“Perfect.” Dr.Sato chirped cheerfully, his entire-demeanor noticeably lightening and relaxing even more—Rin’s unguarded willingness to cooperate and open-up most-likely did well to assure him that he had little to worry about. “To make up for the session we missed yesterday, would it be okay with you if we simply make-up for it right now? Seeing as it was your second-to-last session, re-scheduling it might push-back the date of our final session and my sign-off report to the hospital.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. We can go right now.” Rin agreed immediately with a bright, equally-as-relieved grin, moving to fall into step behind Dr.Sato as the man ascended the stairs leading to his ‘therapy-room—his messy, chaotic bedroom—but, before he could get too far, a gentle, yet urgent hand clasped around his wrist. “Oh- what is it, Sae?” He hummed with a quirked eyebrow, gesturing for the doctor to continue up to the room as he turned to gaze at his older-brother with a patient, curious look of questioning.

With a startling meek, almost-pouty expression, Sae shrugged and held his gaze for a few long, drawn-out moments before releasing his wrist without a word. “Nothing.” He grumbled, averting his gaze and looking as if he were about to drop the subject without another word… but, sensing and understanding his older-brother’s sulkiness—from what he’d gathered, Sae felt a tad bit mopey and agitated that their cute, intimate little moment together had been interrupted—Rin simply could not leave him in such a pouty, amusedly-deflated state.

With a small huff and chuckle of amusement, Rin moved to grab Sae’s hand, giving his older-brother an earnest, slightly-meek smile. “Hey, Ni-Chan… why not join me? It would make me feel better to have you with me to explain everything.” In stark contrast to just a mere two months ago, Sae’s presence and companionship felt equivalent to that of a cool, crisp breeze dancing and sending ripples across a brilliant, sun-illuminated sea of sparkling, glassy turquoise… meaning that his request was indeed earnest.

With an adorably taken-aback and startled expression, Sae gaped at him for a few moments as if he couldn’t believe the offer—seriously? They’d just been hugging, sobbing, and pouring their hearts to each other less than ten minutes ago—before seeming to snap out of his daze. With an impossibly-cute, innocent-looking, and bright-eyed look of unreserved-excitement, Sae nodded with an eagerness comparable to that of a small, energetic child. “Okay.” He agreed without reservation, gripping Rin’s hand and happily falling into place beside him as they turned and moved to continue ascending up the stairs together.

From now on and until the end of time… they would do things side-by-side together.

Chapter Text

Although being undeniably a good thing, it was also sort of bittersweet; With Dr.Sato’s unexpected appearance, there came the reminder that, despite having finally achieved what he considered true reconciliation with his precious little-brother, time-constraint and the demanding call of the dutiful, event-filled lives and obligations they still led outside of the month-long ‘bubble’ they’d been encapsulated in could not be ignored forever. “Tsk.” Sae clicked his tongue with mild-disappointment, his heart aching with a confusing-mixture of both pride and longing as he silently watched his little-brother send off Dr.Sato with a polite, noticeably-cheerful mood; they had just finished Rin’s second-to-last therapy-session.

“What’s wrong, Ni-Chan?” His little-brother’s curious, lighthearted, and unreservedly-affectionate voice hummed out to him in questioning. “C’mon, don’t give me that surprised look. We’ve spent more than enough time together for me to pickup-on your moods.” He drawled with a non-mocking, completely-playful, and teasing expression.

With a small, yet equally-as-playful smile, Sae let out a sigh of mock-exasperation before surrendering to defeat. “You caught me.” He chuckled, rolling his eyes with fond-amusement when Rin made a humorous, exaggeratedly-emphasized gesture of victory. “I’m just sort of bummed that there’s only- what… a few days left until you return to Bluelock and I go back to Spain? Tch, it sounds even more depressing when I say it aloud.” Now that he knew with unfaltering-confidence that, whatever the future held in store for them both, their relationship would persevere, Sae felt eager for the opportunity to make new memories with his little-brother now and without having the suffocating, distracting weight of ‘possible rejection’ hanging over his head like a guillotine-blade.

“Heh, don’t get too confident. There’s still a chance that Dr.Sato won’t clear me as stable or healthy enough to return just because the month is finished.” When taking Rin’s lighthearted, mostly-unbothered tone into account, it was obvious that the statement was intended to be a playful, completely-unserious joke… but, catching just the slightest hint of doubt and uncertainty hidden below the outward-mask of humor, Sae realized that his little-brother still harbored anxiety around the subject—not on his watch; he would smother Rin with such overwhelming-assurance and praise that he wouldn’t doubt himself or the praiseworthy accomplishments he’d achieved!

“Seriously?” Sae drawled with a teasing smirk and purposefully-noticeable roll of the eyes. “You can’t honestly believe that Dr.Sato wouldn’t pass you after everything, can you? The amount of hard-work and self-care that you’ve put into yourself and your healing-journey is a testimony in itself to how much you deserve this, Rin… plus, it’s really obvious that he’s already planning to give you the check-mark.” Despite being dead-set on assuring and soothing his little-brother’s doubt, Sae wasn’t actually exaggerating or fabricating a single word that left his mouth. Aside from the little ‘set-back’ they’d suffered—in quotes because the majority of the incident had been the fault of miscommunication and misunderstanding—it was obvious that Dr.Sato held Rin’s achievement and growth in more than high-enough regard to pass him with little-to-no hesitation—plus, despite feeling a sense of bittersweet in regards to his little-brother's soon-to-be departure and return to Bluelock, Sae would be damned if he didn’t fight tooth and nail against the unfair hospital-administration for holding Rin back if they were to somehow fail and continue prohibiting him from chasing his dream; his little-brother had proven himself more than strong enough to handle himself now.

After taking a few moments of silence to evenly regard and analyze the words, Rin’s thin-pressed mouth eventually tugged upwards into a meek, yet satisfied and—most importantly—convinced smile. “Thanks, Ni-Chan…” he mumbled out with bashful, flustered-embarrassment, his turquoise-eyes sparkling with earnest gratitude as he stepped forward to embrace Sae into a secure, decently-tight hug that the both of them opted to enjoy in peaceful, intimate silence for around a minute before Rin murmured something against his shoulder. “I’m sad too, Ni-Chan. I wish we’d wasted less time being dramatic and immature… it would have been nice to have spent a little more time with you without having to overthink or stress-out over certain things.” He sighed with a weighed-down, equally-disappointed tone of voice that sent a contradicting mixture of both longing-pain and giddy-satisfaction alike—call him a sadist, but it made him extremely happy to know that Rin too felt a sense of yearning and mild-hurt at the prospect of them soon being split-apart. “But- I guess a few days is still better than nothing, right?” Rin continued onward after around another minute of contemplative silence. “Tommrow is my final scheduled-appointment with Dr.Sato, then he and the hospital will decide whether I’m cleared the day after… so, aside from having to be here at home during the session, we could still like- I don’t know… just go outside and do things together? I’m fine with doing anything if it means I get to spend time with you, Ni-Chan…” He offered with a shrug, stepping back from the shared embrace to give Sae an even, curious look… but, what he found most-likely- no, definitely caught him off guard. “Wha- Ni-Chan! Why are you crying again!?” He gasped with surprise, immediately rushing forward and bringing a hand up in an attempt to brush away the stream of tears and comfort him. “Are you okay? Look, if me going back to Bluelock so soon really hurts you that much, then I could put it off for- wait… are you laughing? What- I don’t understand, Ni-Chan? Are you happy or sad right now?”

Chuckling and wiping away the tears with his hoodie-sleeve, Sae brought a hand up in a gesture of reassurance. “Sorry, sorry- I promise I’m okay. It’s just… it means a lot to hear you say that, Rin.” He sighed with a bright, cheerful smile that only seemed to cause his little-brother even more skepticism, but he eventually nodded and gave into the explanation without further protest. “Definitely do not postpone Bluelock for me—you deserve to return after everything you’ve been through—but… the thing about going out and spending some quality time together before the month-long break finishes sounds nice.” Though it might be shorter and more quick-paced than ideal, just the idea of celebrating the newfound peace and acceptance they’d reached in regards to each other and the future of their relationship sounded very heartwarming and appealing.

“Tch… you could’ve just said that without crying and making me worry.” Rin grumbled with mild-begrudgence in response, pointedly taking a few steps to create distance between them and glaring… but, they both knew it held no real heat or genuine accusation. “So, do you wanna… I don’t know, head out and maybe check out the mall one last time or something?” Honestly, in comparison to the excitement and impactfulness of their recent reconciliation, Sae would be surprised if anything Rin suggested could catch or genuinely pique his interest… but, seeing as he simply wanted to spend time with his little-brother and didn’t actually give a singular fuck about what they did—Rin could’ve literally suggested that they sit in the middle of the floor doing nothing and he still would have been on board—he agreed immediately and without hesitation.

“Of course, Rin.”

                      ~^~^~^~^~^~

For the remainder of the day up until almost 1:00 AM in the morning—their sleep schedules were already way out-of-wack and untuned, so he didn’t feel too bad—he and Rin busied themselves with a collection of the most random, borderline-impulsive things they could imagine: after strolling around and catching a random, never-before-heard of movie at the mall, the two of them somehow got the strange, inexplicable idea that eating at a slightly-sketchy hole-in-the-wall food-joint that they’d never once stepped foot in before would be a good idea—it was awful, but Rin seemed more than amused at the sad, almost soggy-looking sandwich Sae had received, so he supposed it had been a good-call ultimately; the price paid might be food-poisoning, but he considered in worth it—and, by the time they’d finished, the orange-tinted sky had deepened into a twilight-purple hue speckled with the distant, flickering glimmers of far-away stars… so, seeing as neither he or Rin had left the house after dark during the past month, they caught an Uber to the more population-dense part of the city and spent the next few hours walking around the night-district in search of entertainment, occasionally stopping to muse and chuckle over whatever caught their eyes. “Tch, that does not look like me.” Rin grumbled, his scalding, judgmental glare burning a hole into the grumpy-looking cartoon-character that Sae had spotted on a silly advertisement-poster and decided to bring attention to.

“It kind of really does.” Sae deadpanned, pointedly gesturing between the moody, almost-identical expression that both his little-brother and the black-colored, grumpy crow-looking creature wore—what were these little characters from again? Sanrio? “Look! You both have those slanted, always-moody eyes.” He continued, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards into a devilish, playful smirk when Rin opened his mouth as if to retaliate before immediately snapping it closed—he didn’t have much to counter with; they were nearly identical in terms of expression.

Although seeming a tad-bit grumpy at the comparison, he and Rin continued to banter and throw light, teasing jabs at each other as they walked aimlessly with no final-direction in mind to guide them. “What’s wrong old man, is it too late for you?” His little-brother hummed with smug-satisfaction after Sae yawned for what had to have been the fifth time in the last minute alone—couldn’t a guy let out a few yawns without being at risk of merciless-attack by his little-brother?

“Old man?” He repeated with mild-disbelief and slight-indignation, shooting a hand out to ruffle and purposefully-dishevel Rin’s hair in retaliation. “You realize that, by calling someone only two years older than you an old man, you’re condemning yourself to being labeled as one very soon, right?” Sae was fairly exhausted right now… but, in his defense, he’d just been released from the hospital earlier this morning and had experienced the emotionally-draining, energy-sucking event that was their entire recollection and surprise-session with Dr.Sato; no matter how young, anybody would be tired and drained from such a long, eventful day.

Humming and gesturing with purposefully-agitating noncommittance, Rin shrugged. “Maybe… but it won’t change the fact that you’re two years older and will always be even more ancient than me no matter what.” This was payback for having compared his little-brother to the Sanrio character, wasn’t it? “But, in all seriousness… it’s like- what, almost one in the morning—even later than I thought—so maybe we should be heading back and getting some rest? Especially considering that I'll have to prepare for my last therapy-session and whatever stuff the hospital needs me to do to hopefully get cleared, and you need to start packing for and planning your trip back to Spain.” He lamented with a little more genuine-sincerity and thoughtfulness than before… but, despite the offer being one of consideration, Sae found the reminder that the fun-filled, exciting day they’d had would be one of the last before they had to separate to be quite the buzzkill.

With a weighed-down, disappointed heart, Sae found himself hesitating to agree with the decision to return home despite it being so late; today alone had been such a fun and meaningful bonding-experience, and he almost felt that he would be wasting the small-amount of precious time that they had left together if he were to cut it off now. “Oh- uhm, I don’t know. It’s not too late, maybe we could see if…” he trailed off weakly, desperately wracking his mind for any excuse or suggestion he could come up with… but, after pausing to inspect him for a moment, Rin, with the inexplicable, almost-clairvoyant mind-reading powers he occasionally seemed to possess, must have caught onto his turmoil.

“Ni-Chan… y’know, just because we’re going back to our own lives soon doesn’t mean that things are going to go back to how they used to be, right? Yeah, it really sucks that we couldn’t have worked things out sooner than we did… but, still. After dealing with Dr.Sato’s final session and getting you packed and planned for a flight to Spain, we’ll still have the majority of tomorrow to spend together- plus, even after we split, we can still text and call… assuming that you won’t go another four years ignoring me, that is?” Rin teased playfully, rushing to give him an assuring, lighthearted smile when Sae accidentally allowed a trace of brief, passing guilt to flicker through his expression—he still felt really bad about ghosting his little-brother for so long… but, seeing as Rin clearly hadn’t made the joke with malice or ill-intent, he wouldn’t dwell on it.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Sae allowed the tension between his shoulder-blades to loosen. “Of course I’ll text and call you.” He chuckled with agreement, making the active, conscious choice to focus on the positive of their upcoming situation rather than the perceived bad; regardless of the amount of distance between them, the fact that his little-brother once again wanted to keep in touch with him was cause-enough for celebration and joy. “And, you’re right… It is pretty late and we do have things to prepare for tomorrow. I’ll call us an Uber.” He offered with a genuine smile as he fished his phone from his pocket and went through the process of requesting a driver, a tad-bit caught off guard by just how much Rin’s words managed to assure him—don’t get him wrong, he was still bummed about the situation, but the friendly-reminder that physical separation no longer translated to isolation did well to re-lift his spirits…

Because, regardless of how far-apart or wrapped-up in the chaotic intricacies of their time-consuming, individual lives they might find themselves… they would always be brothers.

Chapter Text

His final session with Dr.Sato, spending more quality-time and aiding Sae with planning his upcoming flight back to Spain, and the very-relieving news that he had indeed passed the hospital’s mental-wellness check and would be permitted to return to Bluelock soon-after—with Isagi’s help, he’d thankfully managed to contact Ego to be permitted back into the program—passed within the blink of an eye… and, despite having been the one remaining steady and assuring his older-brother that the soon-to-be distant between them wouldn’t hinder their newfound relationship and bond, Rin found himself quite heavy-hearted when he realized that, just later today, Sae would ready his already-packed suitcase and catch the next flight to Spain while he would be catching an Uber back to Bluelock where Isagi and his reinvigorated football-dreams awaited him; having truly reconciled and made peace with his precious Ni-Chan felt like such a bittersweet thing… because, on one hand, he loved his older-brother dearly and couldn’t even begin to describe how thankful he felt that they had both grown and reconciled… But, on the other hand, the price of loving and caring about another—especially to the extent that he loved his irreplaceable Ni-Chan—was feeling the distance and longing for the others' company and kinship whenever they weren’t presently around.

It hurt in such a beautiful, meaningful way… and, despite the discomfort that longing and missing his older-brother would entail, Rin wouldn’t trade those feelings for anything in the entire world. “Hey, Ni-Chan?” He called out, a fond, affection-filled smile peeking past the bittersweet-weight of the situation that they were both all-too aware of. “What are you doing? I thought we finished packing everything you needed for your flight yesterday evening?” Rin mused with a quiet chuckle before striding forward and flopping down onto the bed beside Sae’s re-opened suitcase, the sudden rush of piqued-curiosity a welcome distraction from the heavier, more-serious emotion that had been plaguing him since the morning started.

With a sheepish, almost lost-looking and dazed smile, Sae shrugged with noncommitence. “I’m just double-checking to make sure I didn’t miss or forget anything.” He responded quietly and with a mildly-reserved sigh, the almost-imperceptible falter straining his otherwise-steady voice catching Rin’s attention like a sore-thumb—in Sae-lingual, this translated into something like: ‘I’m still really sad and disappointed that we won’t see each other again in-person for a while, so I’m trying to distract myself with random things’.

Unable to suppress the bittersweet, yet genuinely-amused smile that tugged at him, Rin propped himself up into sitting-position on the bed, closed his older-brother’s already perfectly-organized suitcase, and paused to give him a curious, contemplative look. “Y’know, just because your flight and my scheduled-return to Bluelock are both later tonight doesn’t mean that we have to spend the next few hours moping and sulking around doing nothing.” He hummed straightforwardly and without beating around the bush—that had and never would be his preferred method or style—allowing his yearning, nostalgic-driven heart to guide and manage the impulses and decision that seized him without resistance. “We’ve spent our last few days together doing whatever we could think of… but I’m- I’ve been wondering if maybe… maybe we could do one last thing before we both have to get going?” He treaded slowly and with unexpected-hesitancy; despite knowing what Sae’s answer would be without question, Rin found himself plagued and cursed with bashful meekness. “For old-time’s sake and since it won’t put us at risk of being late, we could… head down to the pier and- I don’t know, maybe get some of those blue-popsicles that we got all the time when we were younger?” He trailed off with an embarrassed grumble and laughable amount of self-conscious fidgeting—again, he knew that, without a singular doubt, Sae would agree within a heartbeat… but, still; being the one to openly-express such vulnerable, nostalgic-yearning sentiments would never not be somewhat-embarrassing and difficult. “Ni-Chan?” Rin called out with a hesitant frown after a few beats of silence passed, momentarily casting-aside the irrational, extremely-trivial self-doubt weighing him down to gather enough courage to face his older-brother eye-to-eye… but, what he found in Sae’s expression was answer enough.

With sparkling, impossibly-fond turquoise eyes, Sae gazed down at him as if he were the most innocently-adorable, awe-inducing, and precious human-being to have ever graced the earth… and, having been in the receiving-end of his older-brother’s relentless doting and affection these past two days, Rin honestly did feel as if he might just be the most important person in the entire world—well, in Sae’s world, at least; the perspective did not make the honor any less meaningful or touching. “Yeah, Rin… I- yeah. That sounds perfect.” He breathed out with agreement, the slight-tremor in his voice paired with the small, excited smile that he allowed to light up his face causing Rin’s heart to bloom with warmth and endearment that felt almost too fuzzy and love-filled to handle.

Accepting the inviting, welcoming hand that Sae offered out to him, Rin pulled himself up to his feet, falling into step beside his older-brother as they made their way downstairs and out the front-door in complete and utter silence; the level of sympathetic-understanding and brotherhood that they now shared didn’t need to be defined with small-talk or needless conversation… so, still hand-in-hand, Rin and Sae made the exact same walk to the pier that they must’ve made hundreds or even thousands of times when they were small-children.

A gentle, sea-salt breeze rustled through the wheat-plants—or, at least, they looked and reminded him of wheat-stocks; never before had he taken the time to learn what species they actually were—lining the sidewalk, the green foliage tinted an almost pinkish-orange from the gentle, pleasant rays of the soon-approaching sunset… and, when the nostalgia-inducing sight of their favourite childhood convenience store came into view, Rin all but felt his heart sing with eagerness. “Heh… that excited, huh?” Sae teased with a lighthearted chuckle, his expression softening with admiration and affectionate as he momentarily released Rin’s hand in favor of ruffling and messing-up his hair before immediately moving it back. “Me too.” He added soon-after, the fragile, completely-unguarded vulnerability and sentiment within his voice prompting Rin to squeeze his hand even tighter when they walked into the empty—save for the cashier—and familiar store; the droning, constant buzz of what-looked-like the same cheap fan paired with the oddly-pleasant ‘convenience-store smell’ that had never failed to greet them were what memories and nostalgia were made of. “It’s… the exact same.” His older-brother lamented with something like awestruck, the sparkle within his gaze alight with what was undoubtedly a sense of dejá-vù and nostalgic-rush similar if not identical to Rin’s own.

“Ah- you two must be some of the regulars that my grandmother loved to mention whenever she spoke about the store.” Came the sound of an unfamiliar, yet obviously-friendly and easygoing voice from the direction of the cash-register; rather than the older woman that the both of them had been anticipating to find working the counter, a younger, bright-eyed, and polite-looking woman with medium-length, reddish-orange hair beamed at them. “If that is the case, then I’m happy to announce that everything except me should still be exactly the same as it had been when my grandmother still managed this place.”

Finding himself soothed by the women’s casual, lighthearted small-talk, Rin allowed for his curiosity to get the better of him. “Your grandma was the old-lady who used to manage the store when we were younger?” He hummed out in question, momentarily separating from Sae in search of the familiar blue-popsicle that he craved whilst still maintaining conversation and occasional eye-contact with the women. “How come you’re here now, then?” He asked in his typically blunt, straightforward-fashion after having received a nod, making a satisfied sound of triumph and victory when he’d fished out a cheap packaged-popsicle that he’d been looking for—it seemed that the women hadn’t been exaggerating; literally everything that Rin could actively recall seemed to be in the exact same place as they had all those years ago.

“Mm, unfortunately, for the past year-or-so, my grandmother has been struggling with cognitive-decline—and just age in general—so I’ve taken over and have been managing the store for around that time.” She sighed with an obviously-hurt but otherwise straightforward, accepting tone of voice that spoke her overall strength and emotional-capacity. “I’m sorry if you two were close to or were expecting her since you clearly haven’t been here in the time that I’ve taken over.” She apologized with a sad, genuinely-empathic smile of remorse… but, being the positive, glass-half-full kind of person that Rin got the feeling that she just naturally was, she didn’t allow it to weigh her down or spoil the atmosphere. “But… if you want to look on the bright-side, you could consider it as a… kind-of sad, but also neat little adventure and new chapter, I guess? At least, that’s what I considered when I took over the store…” she trailed off with a mumble, pursing her lips before giving them both a sheepish, amused smile and moving to take the quarters that Rin offered her as payment for the popsicle—he wasn’t the type to carry change on the regular, but he brought some with the specific, extremely-cheap price of the ice-cream in mind.

Despite the women’s sentiments being unrelated to their specific situation, they managed to resonate with Rin to a startlingly-profound extent. “Yeah…” he nodded in agreement with almost-awestruck resonance, giving Sae a quick glance of mild-amusement and pointedness that he hoped the other understood. “That is sort of a better way to look at it.” He chuckled with an almost-disbelieving shake of the head before politely thanking the women for her service—who would have guessed that a random, impulsive trip to an obscure little convenience-store would inadvertently shift Rin’s perspective and outlook on the situation… and, judging by the contemplative, yet relaxed expression that Sae wore, it seemed his older-brother had managed to find a certain level of resonance and peace too.

“Y’know, I’ve only visited this pier twice since I started training and living in Spain five years ago… and I had been distracted and too panicked or preoccupied to really take it in again.” Sae lamented out loud with a mixture of awestruck-nostalgia and mild-regret. “But…” he paused for a moment, stopping right before the concrete shifted into golden sand to take in the view of the gently-swirling, turquoise-colored ocean sparkling before them with a sentimental gaze. “I’m glad that you suggested that we come back now under these circumstances. This place is… it’s really beautiful. I almost can’t believe that I survived being away and isolated from home as long as I did.”

Humming with thoughtful understanding, Rin too took a minute or two to absorb and appreciate the nostalgic, memory-filled scene; with enough imagination and recollection, he could almost physically see and hear the countless memories and shared-experiences the both of them had created here together as small, innocent children. “It is really beautiful- and… I’m glad that we came back here too.” He admitted with a drawn-out, satisfied exhale, taking an exaggerated step over the concrete-threshold and onto the shifting, unstable sand-grains before turning back to his still-unmoving, almost dazed-looking older-brother with an inviting smile and outstretched hand. “Let’s go? If you take too long, the popsicle will melt and it will be all your fault.” Rin teased with a lopsided, innocent grin, making a show out of wiggling the still-packaged ice-cream in front of the other with mock-urgency and hurriedness.

Seeming a little bit startled and caught off guard by the lighthearted-humor, Sae regarded him for a few long, yet still-comfortable seconds before clicking his tongue and smirking. “Alright, alright.” He huffed with a playful roll of the eyes and exaggerated surrender, firmly accepting Rin’s hand and also making a show out of pointedly stepping from the concrete to the sand.

Smiling with satisfaction and amusement, Rin hummed before essentially yanking and dragging a caught-off-guard Sae towards the pier when he started to run full-speed without warning. “Keep up, old man! I thought you were supposed to be a professional football-player?” He teased with a bright grin, the exhilaration and joy that coursed through his heart providing him with the courage to not slow down even when they found themselves still sprinting at full-speed towards the end of the pier.

“Gah!” Sae screeched with shock, initially stumbling and almost tripping before eventually falling into a steady pace directly behind him. “It’s not my fault that you’re a crazy speed-demon with zero sense of self-preservation!” His older-brother countered with mild-indignation and startlement, putting on the brakes and causing the both of them to slow down into an eventual stop right before reaching the unrailed, unprotected end.

After whipping around with intent to tease and prod further, Rin found the joke falling-flat on his tongue when the greeting sight invoked an intense surge of nostalgia; With unstyled, not gelled-back hair that did well to emphasize the memory of childlike innocence, his bright-eyed, precious Ni-Chan gazed back at him with an expression that silently communicated to him that they were both musing over the same sentiment, just flipped. “Ice-cream?” Rin offered with a cheerful, unburdened grin, gracelessly plopping himself down into a sitting-position on the pier-ledge before craning his neck around to give the other an inviting look. “I’ll let you have the first pick… y’know, seeing as you never could get the winning stick when we were younger.” He declared with smug-confidence after Sae had settled beside him, smirking devilishly when his older-brother grumbled something beneath his breath before snatching the packaging away.

“Don’t get confident, little brat.” He retorted back without missing a beat, eyeballing the two separate popsicle-sticks with an amusing amount of focus before selecting and breaking-off the one that had apparently ‘called to him’.

Snorting and bringing a sleeved-hand up in failed attempt to suppress his laughter, Rin took the other half of the ice-cream with his free hand after managing to calm down, savoring the cheap, yet delicious and nostalgic taste of the frozen-dessert that he’d used to look forward to so much after their football-games when they were younger. “Mmm.” He hummed appreciatively, not even sparing the energy to care when the sticky, messy blue-syrup dripped from the stick and onto his now-stained hand; he couldn’t find the care to focus on anything aside from the mesmerizingly-beautiful, peace-inducing sight of the ocean and the relaxed-looking older-brother beside him. “Oh- look! Hah! I got the winning stick again!” Rin, having finished his ice-cream faster than Sae, gasped out with victorious triumph and gloating after having wiped away the last remaining syrup to find the anticipated, engraved wording he’d been hoping for.

Groaning and making a sound of exasperated defeat, Sae held up the stick engraved with ‘loser’ up in defeat. “Guess some things never change.” He grumbled with performative-disappointment before throwing the—biodegradable—wooden-stick into the ocean; he seemed more amused and contemplative than anything. “But, at the same exact time… I guess that some also do.” He mused with unguarded amusement, turning his gaze away from the ocean and the drifting-away stick to give Rin an open, contemplative look that softened with unreserved love and affection before bringing a hand up to ruffle and mess-up his hair.

“Yeah, Ni-Chan.” Grinning and nodding with agreement, Rin allowed himself to succumb-to and feel the sheer warmth and intimacy of the moment. “You know that I’m going to spam you with texts and calls every single day starting from the moment you step onto that plane, right?” He blurted out without second-thought, choosing to let impulse and emotion guide him. “And if you go back on your promise and ignore them, I’ll send you so many letters that your manager will complain that you have an obsessive stalker.”

“Oh yeah? And what if I change my address and phone-number, hm?” Sae bantered back, thankfully not allowing guilt or the underlying dark-humor of the joke to weigh him down.

“Aw- that’s just evil, Ni-Chan… but, if you start ignoring me again, I guess I’ll just have to start texting and calling with Isagi even more-“ he didn’t have any ill-intent nor did he want Sae to feel genuine annoyance or insecurity, but Rin did find it funny whenever his older-brother got jealous over the most-innocent, completely-oblivious guy known to man.

“Point taken.” Sae cut himself immediately, his turquoise eyes flaring with that hilariously-competitive edge that he got whenever Isagi got mentioned or brought up… but, after seeming to blink and snap out of it, the two of them held eye-contact for all of three seconds before bursting out into a light, unserved fit of giggles and laughter that lasted for the better-half of a minute before once again tapering off into comfortable, still silence.

Without a single word spoken between them, the both of them spent the remainder of the daylight sitting side-by-side, silently appreciating the peace, acceptance, and beauty of both the ocean, and their situation in general… and, unfortunately, before they knew it, the orange-tinted sky and sparkling-turquoise ocean before them had shifted and deepened into hue similar to that of purplish-pink twilight, the occasional splatter of distant stars managing to peek through the curtain of darkness and shine down upon them.

It was time to go.

With a simultaneously weighed-down yet accepting and eager heart, Rin stood up and stretched out his stiff body, smiling and giving his older-brother another long, contemplative look when he did the same shortly after; within a matter of less than a few hours, Sae would be catching a returning-flight to Spain while he would be calling himself an Uber to Bluelock… but, unlike before, separation no longer meant suffocatingly-lonely nights filled with longing, haunting-regret, and unanswered-questions… because, despite the fact that neither of them were anywhere even near to perfect, they would still continue to grow, mature, and heal together as brothers should.

“Ready to head back, Rin?”

…

With one last glance out at the ever-shifting, yet calm and peaceful ocean, Rin nodded with a smile. “Yeah, Ni-Chan. I’m ready.”

No matter what life held in-store for the two of them, they would never forget to keep loving each other.