Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

CHATFIC WORD COUNT(will be updated with every chapter): 6,934!!!!

Fic au/summary:
Dazai is in Slytherin, Chuuya is in Hufflepuff
Chuuya met Dazai early on in his time with the sheep (7-10) Dazai met him at ten and after accidentally mentioning the fiery boy to Mori, Mori manipulated Dazai's father (the current mafia boss) into requesting Chuuya into the mafia
Dazai offered Chuuya the luxury of the mafia but Chuuya refused to go without the sheep as without him they'd be defenseless and probably die
Dazai offered all of the sheep a place in the mafia as well although Mori planned for them all to die doing field work to leave Chuuya more stranded and to get him more into the Mafia life
Soukoku becomes Soukoku but y'know a little less gruesome and less able to do more mature missions as they're 10/11 so they stick to infiltrations
A year later with Mori as their guardian (Kouyou only being 15 being a fifth year Ravenclaw student with interconnections to the ministry) the duo go to Hogwarts
They meet the golden trio(duo) on the train ride there and get along a fair bit
Once sorted into their houses Dazai befriends Blaise and sorta Draco and Pansy
Chuuya befriends basically everyone in his house as well as others except maybe Slytherin because of the blood racism
Everyone thinks that the duo's relationship is weird but 🤷
Similar to magic and mystery they have to deal with Quirell except this time as a duo and without Blaise involved they manage to make it look like an accident
They steal the philosopher's stone with Kouyou and Dazai manages to deactivate it secretly with his ability before shipping it to Mori who now has no choice but to use it as a paper weight
They make it to year 2 with people only being slightly suspicious of them and their connection to Kouyou and without revealing their pm connection with anyone except minus Draco who knows Kouyou and skk because his parents make a deal with the port mafia and Kouyou is like a double agent for the ministry and the death eaters (through the malfoys who have no clue they're being tricked)
Eventually Dazai figures out everything with Voldemort and the horcruxes due to the Basilisk situation and the om trio manage to defeat all the horcruxes with mild ease and only getting hurt a bit and then once cornered by Voldemort for all that's happening the trio kill him (They use corruption effectively killing all death eaters and Voldemort because they thought they could defeat the power of a god)
After Voldemort dies Mori (who killed the pm boss and shit during the summer break of their 2nd year) (DAZAI KEEPS HIS EYE BUT BANDAGES IT ANYWAY) uses what the trip did to manipulate the wizarding world as a whole into giving him and the pm immunity from all laws regarding magic
The trio do continue going to Hogwarts till graduation in order to learn all they can about the world
The chatfic takes place during skk 6th year and Kouyou working kinda with the ministry
The trio also learns muggle school stuff on the side bc they gotta be better than everyone

RELATIONSHIPS!!!:

Soukoku- Dating, have been since 4th year but just never bothered telling anyone (they all suspect it though) Dazai also worships Arahabaki stemming from his mother's side of the family and the way he worships him is similar to LTHOH(LTBOG)

Wine duo- Siblings!!!

Dazai and Kouyou- Dazai feels indifferent towards her mostly but values her safety due to her closeness with Chuuya
Kouyou dislikes him strongly and thinks he's grossly improper but deals with him because of Chuuya

Skk and the Gryffindors- Sibling like relationship with all of them although only the twins call them their honorary brothers (I just remembered there are only 7 years in hogwarts so the twins just use the secret tunnels and stuff to visit a lot)

Skk and the Slytherins- Blaise is chill with them, acting as a somewhat voice of reason when they squabble (sorta like hirotsu but small black Italian boy) Draco feels some weird sense of understanding with them but doesn't understand why (it's because of the emotional abuse from his father and their struggles) Pansy dislikes Dazai strongly but not like create a whole hate club level, she's chill with Chuuya but doesn't understand how he's so close to Dazai

Skk and Luna!!- they big chilling with her but Chuuya thinks she's a lil bit weird

Skk and the staff- Dazai is a little uncomfy with Pomfrey as she's seen underneath the bandages but honestly she's kinda a mother figure for both
Snape is incredibly concerned for their safety like in M&M but doesn't know about the pm
McGonagall dislikes Dazai's nonexistent work ethic and likes how strong Chuuya's work ethic is, doesn't like that they're always getting in trouble together though
Dumbledore knows of their pm connection as well as Kouyou's and with the ministry but doesn't really mind since they saved the wizarding world entirely

EVERYONE KNOWS ABT DAZAI'S RELIGION BUT NOT A LOT ABOUT IT AND MOST OF THEM HONESTLY DO NOT WANNA KNOW but they're all still kinda curious

EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT KOUYOU BUT NONE OF THEM ARE CLOSE TO HER AT ALL

Characters usernames:

Dazai: Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。/StinkyMackerel
Chuuya: ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡/Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა/HonoraryWeasley/Chuuya!/TheOnlyHufflepuff
Hermione: BookHermit/Library
Pansy: EdnaMode
Draco: NepoBabyFerret
Ron: CreepyRatOwner/Ronniekens
Ginny: Statuette🐍/You’reAllAdopted
Luna: LocaLuna🌒
Fred: Annie(Fred’s version)/Planned
George: Hallie(George’s version)/Surprise
Blaise: Baldi’sBasics/😐

Kouyou: Ginger#6/Ane-san

Snape: PerpetuallyTired/Buttercup
Pomfrey: Stopgettinghurt/Bubbles
Dumbledore: Gandalf/The Mayor
McGonagall: Gryffs4life!!/Ms. Bellum

Potentially added to the fic!:

Mori(ew): Rintarou
Verlaine:
Oda:
Ango:
Hirotsu:

Chapter Text

Hell's Hounds GC＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／

Dazai Osamu created a group chat
Dazai Osamu added 10 numbers
Dazai Osamu gave 11 people nicknames

4:28pm

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: HIIII!!!!
I TAUGHT ALL OF YOU NON-MUGGLES HOW TO USE A PHONE SO WE SHOULD BE ALL GOOD!!!!

BookHermit: Dazai, what is this?

EdnaMode: Yeah! And what the fucj is my username?

BookHermit: Dazai! That is so rude!

EdnaMode: what is?

BookHermit: He's making fun of your hair by comparing it to that of a muggle cartoon character named Edna Mode.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: The fact that you immediately knew who was messaging just proves me right! ANYWAYS!
@Everyone GET ONLINE NOW!!!

NepoBabyFerret: Dazai why is this muggle device making such incessant noise!?

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: it's your phone's system notifying you of the activity within the group chat, I'll show you how to mute it later
OSAMU WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS USERNAME!!?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: It's just the truth doggy, accept it▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: It's been SIX YEARS!! GIVE THE DOG JOKES A REST BANDAGE FUCKER!!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: YEAH BUT I STILL WON THAT BET THEREFORE YOU'RE MY DOG FOR LIFE (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

CreepyRatOwner: Ignoring...tgat what is this? Also Angel isnt creepy

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: this, Ronniekins, is a group chat!! A place for us all to communicate as a group!!〜⁠(⁠꒪⁠꒳⁠꒪⁠)⁠〜
Also, Ron that demon rat IS creepy

Statuette🐍: Angel is cute and sweet, stop badmouthing him when he's just a rat who has done nothing to you!!

LocaLuna🌒: Angel is a secret immortal russian mastermind, read all about it in the quibbler!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Osamu please tell me you blocked Twitter from her phone!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Nah, I even downloaded it and set up an account for her because I think it'd be funny (⁠◠⁠‿⁠・⁠)⁠—⁠☆

BookHermit: Of course you did. 😒

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Don't know what I was expecting with you tbh

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: YOUR WORDS WOUND ME!!!!!
\(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )/

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Good, I hope it’s fatal!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: IGNORING CHUUYA’S RUDENESS!!!
ROLE CALL EVERYONE!!!( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )

Annie(Fred’s version): We’re-

Hallie(George’s version): -here!

Baldi’sBasics: Just so you know, none of us understand the (assumed) references that our usernames are!

EdnaMode: LEAVE US OUT OF YOUR MUGGLE ANTICS!!

BookHermit: This is why you look like this.

-InsertPictureOfEdnaMode-

EdnaMode: EXCUSE ME!!!??

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Osamu quit your loud ass cackling, I can hear you from the Hufflepuff commons!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: NO NO NO!!! NOW I GOTTA SHOW EVERYONE ELSE WHO THEY’RE NAMED AFTER!!
Starting with Blaise ৻( •̀ ᗜ •́ ৻)

Baldi’sBasics: Oh no….

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Blaise be like:

-insertPictureOfBaldi'sBasics-

This is Baldi btw lol ( ꈍ◡ꈍ)

Baldi’sBasics: Wow okay.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Of course your weird ass played that game 🙄

NepoBabyFerret: What in the world does ‘btw’ and ‘lol’ mean!?

CreepyRatOwner: hate to agre with malfoy but

Statuette🐍: You need to agree(!) with a fucking dictionary oh my god!

Annie(Fred’s version): NO GINNY!!!

Hallie(George’s version): Profanity is NOT appreciated towards our dear brother Ronniekens

BookHermit:@NepoBabyFerret @CreepyRatOwner ‘btw’ means By The Way and ‘lol’ means Laugh Out Loud

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: MOVING ON!
The twins’ usernames have two references in them!!!
(*´▽`*)
The first reference is the Annie/Hallie thing which is based off this old american movie abt two twin gingers separated at birth who meet again at a camp and swap places as a way to get their parents back together!!! (NO SPOILERS BC I WANNA SHOW YALL THE MOVIE)

-InsertPictureOfAnnie&Hallie-

Hallie(George’s version): OH MY GOD FRED WE SHOULD DO THAT SOMEHOW!!!!

Annie(Fred’s version): Youre so right George!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Why’d you swap phones?
Anyways the second part of your names is a reference to this username trend where people would put their name or whatever and then put (Taylor’s version) afterwards!
Taylor is in reference to Taylor Swift who is an internationally popular American singer and songwriter
The taylor’s version thing evolved to people just referencing anything they want and then putting “ ‘s version” after!!!!!!!!!!( • ̀ω•́ )✧

BookHermit: Did not expect him to give such a detailed explanation

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: well excuse me! I can be helpful too!!( •̀_•́ )

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Yeah okay sure….

EdnaMode: FUCK YOU DAZAI I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT TINY BITCH!!!

LocaLuna🌒: your haircut says otherwise…
Anyways, what does ‘loca’ mean?

EdnaMode: Don’t talk to me looney luna!

Statuette🐍: Leave her alone you bob-headed bitch!
But yeah, what’s up with our names?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Okay well loca is the feminine version of loco which means crazy in spanish! Thought it fit since Luna means moon in spanish!
And your user is obviously a reference to you being petrified by the basilisk in your 1st year (๑˃́ꇴ˂̀๑)

Baldi’sBasics: Casually naming Ginny after the most traumatic event of her life is insane!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: (╥‸╥)

BookHermit: Don’t even play victim Dazai 😐

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: y’know what im LEAVING!!
I’m gonna go teach the twins brainrot ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: NO TF YOU AREN’T!!!
I AM NOT DEALING WITH THREE IDIOTS JUST SAYING BRAIN ROT ALL THE TIME!!!

NepoBabyFerret: I don’t know what ‘brain rot’ is but I don’t wanna deal with even worse weasley twins so yeah no!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: UGH! Party poopers!
I’m gonna teach you guys more texting and phone stuff since you’re all such losers about it٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و

CreepyRatOwner: rude ad fuck but where are we dong this?

EdnaMode: The room of requirement obviously!

Statuette🐍: Hate agreeing with Pansy but that was pretty obvious brother.

BookHermit: Yeah Ron.

CreepyRatOwner: Okay wharever

NepoBabyFerret: Learn to spell please.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Before Ron starts screaming at Draco, I have a quick question.

Baldi’sBasics: What’s up Chuuya?

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: How does the room of requirement work? Like if I just walk in there with the intent to do something will whatever is needed to complete said task just appear in there?

BookHermit: Yes, I believe that’s the case, why do you ask?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Yeah Chu-Chu!! Why!? (•̀ᴗ•́ )و

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: ‘Cause I know your stupid ass didn’t eat anything during lunch and I’m gonna cook something for you

LocaLuna🌒: AWE!!

Annie(Fred’s version): CAN WE HAVE SOME TOO!!

Hallie(George’s version): Yeah Chuuya, can we?

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Are y’all good with Japanese food? Like any allergies/food preferences?

BookHermit: I asked everyone awhile ago and I don’t believe anyone has any allergies!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: I WANT CRAB PLEASE!!! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: We all know that already dumbass
Anyone else?

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: If not I just won’t make anything I think would be way too far from your bland british food.

NepoBabyFerret: Don’t insult us mudblood!

EdnaMode: Yeah what Draco said

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: yeah, no food for y’all!

NepoBabyFerret: WHAT!

EdnaMode: THAT’S UNFAIR!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Be quiet next time, dunno what you want from me here 🤷

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Uhm, could anyone come find me, I’m kinda lost somewhere….( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) 

Statuette🐍: Dazai..already…

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Turn around mackerel I was already omw right after you said something about teaching the twins brainrot
Y’all this boy actually threw his arms up and said ‘YIPPEE!!’ before throwing himself over my shoulders like the lazy ass he is

BookHermit: Y’all are adorable!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: EW!!
Anyways let me send y’all the names of the food I’m gonna cook so Hermione can look it up on her phone and show you guys what they are.

BookHermit: Okay! We’re all here by the way!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Alright so I’m cooking
Crab curry
Salmon and tuna onigiri
Katsu pork cutlet
Rice
Miso soup
And Tempura

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: If any of you wanna help then ask but if I know for a fact you’re gonna act a fool or not listen to me then do not even bother asking because I will hit you!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Hatrack is really strict and protective about cooking!⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

LocaLuna🌒: Why is that Chuuya? And also me, Ginny, and Hermione would all like to help and learn about cooking Japanese food

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Last time I let Osamu’s ass help me cook he set my fucking stove on fire!!

Baldi’sBasics: Incredibly unsurprised to be honest.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: YOUR WORDS WOUND ME BALDI!!!p(´⌒｀｡q

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: ANYWAYS!!! We’re here!

NepoBabyFerret: I can hear your bickering from here so I’m 90% sure we can all tell

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)!!!!

Chapter Text

Soukoku dms

8:39pm

StinkyMackerel: CHIBIII!!!!٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Mackerel it is 21 minutes to curfew what the fuck do you want?

StinkyMackerel: YOU’RE SO MEAN TO ME!!!
I just wanted to see if you wanted to sneak out to get butterbeers(˶˃⤙˂˶)!!!

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Can’t, ane-san said that if I sneak out again, ESPECIALLY with you, then she’s cancelling our next tea talk and I need to rant to her about all the bullshit you put me through this week so…

StinkyMackerel: WOW!!!!
Refusing to break curfew with your boyfriend because your sister threatened to cancel your bi-weekly tea party is so cruel!!
KOUYOU DOESN’T EVEN LIKE ME!!(╥﹏╥)

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: I don’t like you either

StinkyMackerel: WUH( ˶°ㅁ°) !!

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Yeah, hate to break it to you but, I hate you, sorry not sorry 🤷

StinkyMackerel: OH C’MON SLUG!!! PLEASE!!! I CAN’T SLEEP AND I'M BORED!!!!˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Yeah no, I’m telling on you to ane-san

StinkyMackerel: OH MY ARAHABAKI!!! FINE!! (っ- ‸ - ς)

8:46pm

StinkyMackerel: can you at least sneak over to the slytherin commons and take me to the ROR?
And also maybe stay there with me (,,>﹏<,,)!!!

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: No. Also, I told on you.

Kouyou and Dazai dms
8:47pm

Ginger#6: Leave Chuuya alone and go to sleep

Dazai.: we both know I am NOT going to sleep any time soon ane-san (∗˃ ᵕ ˂∗)

Ginger#6: At least stop bothering Chuuya with your problems.

Dazai.: I will make no such promises( ꈍ◡ꈍ)

Soukoku dms
8:49pm

StinkyMackerel: Chibi can you at least apparate here so I can bother you in person?
Solely to piss Kouyou off even more, not because I wanna see you (•ˋ _ ˊ•)

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Oh my fucking Arahabaki!
Fine but if word of this gets back to ane-san I’m gonna deny it so much it’ll make you sound even more insane than you already are

StinkyMackerel: YIPPEE(๑˃́ꇴ˂̀๑)!!

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: I fucking hate you, bandage waste

StinkyMackerel: (ɔˆ ³(ˆᴗˆc)♡

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: 凸( •̀_•́ )凸

Hell's Hounds GC＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／

2:28pm

CreepyRatOwner: Gryffindor is the better house obviciously

EdnaMode: oh shut your ginger mouth blood traitor!

NepoBabyFerret: And learn proper grammar.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Yo! What’s up with the ginger hate wtf!? Also aren’t y’all also technically blood traitors?

LocaLuna🌒: I read on twitter that all gingers were planted by the government and none of their hair is actually that color! 😁

BookHermit: Luna you need to stay off that app

Hallie(George’s version): Twitter seems fun!!

Annie(Fred’s version): YEAH!! I WANT TWITTER!!

BookHermit: I banned the app from your phones.
You two knowing brain rot is already enough for me, I don’t think Hogwarts is ready for y’all to have Twitter.

Baldi’sBasics: I don’t think the world is ready for the twins to have twitter from what Dazai explained to me.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: me personally, I think that the world would be a much better place if the twins had twitter!!(๑>◡<๑)

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: That’s because you’re a jackass who likes causing arguments on twitter for fun

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: I see no problem with my choice of past time tyvm!!( ｡ •̀ ᴖ •́ ｡)

Statuette🐍: Speaking of past times, what are some of y’all’s hobbies?
Mine is making little trinkets and hides to put in Angel’s cage!

BookHermit: I enjoy sitting down with my cat and a good book!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Yours is BORING like chibi’s ( ˃ ⤙ ˂ )!!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: READING POETRY ISN’T BORING YOU JUST HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A TODDLER!!!

EdnaMode: You read poetry!?
I was not expecting that

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: He also writes it too!!
Like a nerd!!(｡>﹏<)

CreepyRatOwner: YU WRITE IT TOO!?

NepoBabyFerret: Are they any good?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!!( •̀ - •́ )
It’s all just the slug trying to sound profound and philosophical!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Terrible he says as if he doesn’t steal them right as I finish so that he can read it 😒

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Only to see if my dog will ever get better!! Which you don’t!!!(¬`‸´¬)

Baldi’sBasics: Honestly not surprised by any of this and if possible Chuuya, I’d like to read some of your poetry.

Hallie(George’s version): Us

Annie(Fred’s version): TOO!!

BookHermit: Is it alright if we read some of your poetry at the next club meeting Chuuya?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Ew!
I promise you don’t wanna read his doggy slobber covered poems.
Does anyone have any actually interesting hobbies!!??૮(˶╥︿╥)ა

EdnaMode: As someone that also has a literary hobby I vote that Dazai shuts up!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: I also vote that Dazai shuts up!!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: moving on from this, disrespect!
Ron PLEASE tell me you have a not boring past time!(๑-﹏-๑)

CreepyRatOwner: I help Hagrid take care of some of the magical beasts around Hogwarts!!

NepoBabyFerret: Of course you do.

LocaLuna🌒: I enjoy a good stroll through the forbidden forest on occasion, really lets you think and appreciate the magic of our world

BookHermit: Luna that is unsafe!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: OOOH I SHOULD TRY THAT!!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: No.

Hallie(George’s version): Me and Fred enjoy making pranks!!

Annie(Fred’s version): AND CAUSING CHAOS!!

EdnaMode: We know already

Baldi’sBasics: As a hobby I enjoy practicing my Portuguese and Italian

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: OOOOOHHH!!! I didn’t know you spoke other languages!!( ˶°ㅁ°) !!
Me and the slug speak some too!!

BookHermit: I speak Latin. I find it very useful when reading!

EdnaMode: What about you Draco?

NepoBabyFerret: I also speak latin.
As a past time though I go to high society events with my father
And when I can’t do that I enjoy a good nap on occasion

Annie(Fred’s version): THAT DOESN’T REALLY SOUND ALL THAT FUN

Hallie(George’s version): It doesn’t sound at all fun!!

Statuette🐍: That’s because you two don’t know how to sit the fuck down for more than five seconds

Annie(Fred’s version): HATER!!!😣

LocaLuna🌒: Yeah Ginny don’t be such a hater, it attracts the sons of Fenrir

CreepyRatOwner: what.

Baldi’sBasics: Anyways.
Speaking of naps and stuff, Dazai, I have a question for you.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: OOOH! What’s up?( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: What’d this dumbass do this time?

Baldi’sBasics: Oh well it involves you too actually.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: IT DOES?

EdnaMode: OOOOOOOOHH!

BookHermit: Cut it Pansy!

Hallie(George’s version): No no, now I’m even more interested!!

Baldi’sBasics: Oh well I just wanted to ask why I saw Chuuya in your bed with you when I got up last night to get some water?

NepoBabyFerret: ….

BookHermit: Excuse me?

CreepyRatOwner: You sw what now?

Hallie(George’s version): Snakey is there something you wanna tell us!!??

Annie(Fred’s version): snakey wtf

LocaLuna🌒: Chuuya..Dazai?
I knew it, Venus told me

Statuette🐍: okay so, what the fuck?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Σ(°ロ°)!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD BUT THERE’S CONTEXT MISSING
I SWEAR IT SOUNDS BETTER WITH CONTEXT!!!

Soukoku dms
3:11pm

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!

StinkyMackerel: No you dont ( ꈍ◡ꈍ)

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: DIE DIE DIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!

StinkyMackerel: Y’know I would but,
there's this guy that seems to get extremely angry at me whenever I try to (•ˋ _ ˊ•)

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Well yeah because I’m supposed to be the one to kill you, we’ve been over this fishy bastard
NOW FIX WHAT YOU DID!

StinkyMackerel: I didn’t do anything! It’s not my fault I’m so irresistible ☆⌒(ゝ。∂)

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: ….Mackerel shut the fuck up and fix the situation…

StinkyMackerel: Hmmmmm….
Nope!!!( ≧ᗜ≦)

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Praying to baki that you live a looooooong and boring life.

StinkyMackerel: NOOOOOOO OKAY I’M SORRY DAMN(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )!!!

3:14pm

StinkyMackerel: I love you (,,>﹏<,,)♡

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: FIX IT YOU WASTE OF BANDAGES!!!
I love you too…

StinkyMackerel: ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

Hell's Hounds GC＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／

3:15pm

EdnaMode: ….
So are we ever getting that context?

Baldi’sBasics: You don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: No okay so, what happened was, uhm well I was politely persisting Chuuya to hang out with me past curfew ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა!!!
And well he ended up falling asleep while we were watching tiktoks that Elise made in Mori’s office

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: ‘politely persisting’ asshole was harassing me AND my ane-san!

CreepyRatOwner: Oh okay!

NepoBabyFerret: oh alright then

Annie(Fred’s version): OH THANK MERLIN!

Hallie(George’s version): But also 🧐!!?? Who tf is Elise?

Baldi’sBasics: Okay great but that doesn’t explain the cuddling.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: What cuddling I don’t know what you’re talking about?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Yeah Blaise, it was dark so theres a chance you mistook something else for cuddling ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ)

BookHermit: …. 😐

Statuette🐍: Are y’all really trying to gaslight him?

CreepyRatOwner: gaslight?

BookHermit: I’ll explain later

Baldi’sBasics: Now that’d be a great excuse if I hadn’t walked up to make sure I in fact saw what I saw.
And what I saw was you and Chuuya cuddling with your head on his chest and your arms around each other.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: ….

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: ….okay I know like none of y’all know Kouyou but if word gets back to her she’ll cancel our tea talk this week and that’s something I can’t afford to lose in these trying times, so like this never happened okay guys.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Praying to Arahabaki that all of your memories get wiped RIGHT NOW!!(,,>﹏<,,)

Hallie(George’s version): That doesn’t explain who Elise is…..

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Shhhhh(˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

Chapter Text

Hell's Hounds GC＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／

4:27am

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。 Changed 'Hell's Hounds GC＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／' to 'Losers Club ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧ (ref)'

Losers Club ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧ (ref)

4:27am

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Before anyone says anything, this is a reference to a Horror movie and I promise this isn't an insult, it fits I swear (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠)

BookHermit: The movie is a pretty good one, more on the graphic side though.
...
Why're you awake so early on a Saturday?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: couldn't sleep so instead I'm cooking up ways to annoy people (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧
Y r u awake?

BookHermit: Please don't tell me you're one of those people who abbreviate everything 😔. And I accidentally stayed up reading.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Once again my genius names are proved!✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧

BookHermit: I'm not a hermit.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: You are whenever you have a book you like
And the name is also because the slug mispronounced it once and it sounded like hermit(⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

BookHermit: I’ve always thought my name was quite easy to pronounce.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Well English isn't his first language, and your name is foreign to us so ╮⁠(⁠＾⁠▽⁠＾⁠)⁠╭

BookHermit: You're right, sorry.
We should both probably try and get whatever sleep we can before we have to get up.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: There's no use in me trying, I'm just gonna keep planning pranks to play on or with Chuu-Chuu train<⁠(⁠￣⁠︶⁠￣⁠)⁠>

BookHermit: You better hope Chuuya doesn't see you calling him that. We both know he'd punch you, and we both know how much you hate pain.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: You're right ಥ⁠╭⁠╮⁠ಥ

BookHermit: I usually am yes. Now we should probably stop talking before we accidentally wake one of the others.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: I'm gonna go cry, I'm SO bored ಠ⁠︵⁠ಠ

BookHermit: That's not my problem to be honest.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: ⊙⁠.⁠☉ ...... .⁠·⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠(⁠>⁠▂⁠<⁠)⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠·.

BookHermit: I swear, Chuuya was right when he said you're the most dramatic person ever.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: I AM NOT!
CHUUYA'S JUST A BAD DOG(⁠╯⁠︵⁠╰⁠,⁠)

4:49am

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Hermit (・・ ) ?

4:51am

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: WOW! Okay. Rude much (⇀‸↼‶)

SOUKOKU dms

5:13am

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Osamu I’m walking with you and the rest to breakfast instead of meeting you there today
Also stop calling me stupid shit like ‘Chuu-Chuu Train’ or I’ll kick your fishy ass!!

StinkyMackerel: YAYS!!(＾▽＾)
You’re right

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Of course I am now stop

StinkyMackerel: Calling you a train is wrong because you’re too small to be one!
You’re more of a Chuu-Chuu microorganism!
Doesn’t roll off the tongue the same way though so yeah I’m not gonna stop(*≧ω≦*)!!

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: I’m punching the shit out of you once I see you.
Also
BLOCKED!!

StinkyMackerel: You wouldn’t block me♡( ◡‿◡ )

YOU CAN NO LONGER SEND OR RECEIVE MESSAGES FROM THIS NUMBER

StinkyMackerel: WUH!!Σ(º ﾛ º๑)

YOU CAN NO LONGER SEND OR RECEIVE MESSAGES FROM THIS NUMBER

StinkyMackerel: SLUG YOU UNBLOCK ME THIS INSTANT（｀Δ´）！

YOU CAN NO LONGER SEND OR RECEIVE MESSAGES FROM THIS NUMBER

Losers Club ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧ (ref)

5:19am

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: SOMEONE MAKE THAT STUPID CHIBI UNBLOCK ME THIS INSTANT!!
。゜゜\(´Ｏ`)/ ゜゜。

Baldi’sBasics: What’d you do this time?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: THAT’S SO RUDE!! WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME I DID SOMETHING!?
..・ヾ(。＞＜)シ

Statuette🐍: Because it’s you and Chuuya and you’re ALWAYS doing something to annoy him.

BookHermit: My guess is a mix between that train nickname and you calling him short or something.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: (-_-;)...

EdnaMode: can you not be a dick for two seconds

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Uhm….
THIS IS BULLYING ( ╥ω╥ )!!!

CreepyRatOwner: No I don’t think it is

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TELL CHUUYA TO UNBLOCK ME!!
I CAN’T SEE IF HE’S MESSAGING AND HE CAN’T SEE MY MESSAGES BUT I KNOW HE’S PROBABLY LAUGHING AT ME o(TヘTo)!!!1!

Baldi’sBasics: He’s not even online. Just get dressed so we can go to breakfast, Chuuya said he’d walk there with us today and I don’t think making him wait even longer to go eat would make him unblock you faster.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: NO!!
The slug is just gonna have to wait because I’m not going out there until he unblocks me.<(￣ヘ￣)>

GINGER GINGER WEASLEY WEASLEY(Gingers only)

5:31am

Ronniekens: Chuuya please unblock Dazai, I don’t wanna listen to gim complaining anymore.

HonoraryWeasley: No.
That asshole deserves to stay blocked and a beating.

You’reAllAdopted: Honestly I’m with Chuuya, Dazai deserves to be blocked

Ronniekens: Okay but you don’t walk with us to breakfast so you won’t have to hear his complaining

You’reAllAdopted: You don’t have to walk with them either dumbass, just meet them at the dining hall

Ronniekins: You’re right, nevermind Chuuya keep him blocked!

HonoraryWeasley: Lmao

Planned: ME AND GEORGE FEEL LEFT OUT

Surprise: Yeah!!
Chuuya will probably be the only one of us that has to deal with him flopping around on the floor

You’reAllAdopted: Pansy and Draco have probably already left as to not deal with it

HonoraryWeasley: That asshole is probably refusing to get ready just to piss me off more or something.

Ronniekens: According to wat he said in the groupchat, that’s exactly what he’s doing

HonoraryWeasley: THAT ASSHOLE IS BOTHERING ANE-SAN ABOUT THIS!

WIne Siblings dms

5:42am

Ane-san: Chuuya, get that partner of yours to leave me alone or I’m gonna send a howler telling him to leave me alone during breakfast

Chuuya!: I’m not unblocking him ane-san, he won’t stop calling me microscopic and stuff.

Ane-san: Maybe he’d stop if you broke up with him. Just a suggestion.

Chuuya!: Sadly, I love him, so I can’t do that.

Ane-san: Sadly indeed.
I know it’s pointless to ask but, try to get that boy to calm down or just stop. He’ll ruin my morning with his theatrics.

Chuuya!: I’ll try to knock some sense into him ane-san but with the seven year track record of it not working, I have my doubts.

Ane-san: All one can do is hope at this point.
Talk later.

Chuuya!: Bye ane-san!

Losers Club ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧ (ref)

5:46am

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Someone tell that idiot Dazai that if he doesn’t stop making this shit everyone else’s problem and get dressed I’m not gonna wait and I’m gonna beat his ass in front of all of the other slytherins.

NepoBabyFerret: Blaise told him and he started rolling on the floor complaining about how you’re gonna ruin his ‘mysterious hot boy vibe’ and when Blaise told him rolling on the floor crying like a toddler throwing a tantrum isn’t a ‘mysterious hot boy’ thing to do he just started sulking and blaming you.

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: I CAN SEE YOUR MESSAGES DRACO (╬ Ò﹏Ó)

NepoBabyFerret: Now he’s pouting and glaring at me.
Me and Pansy are just gonna take our leave, that’s your, Hermione, Ron, Luna and Blaise’s problem now

CreepyRatOwner: Actually I’m just gonna meet y’all there I’m not dealing with all this

Statuette🐍: Looney’s walking with me, btw her phone’s dead.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: I’m on my way to beat his ass, just give me a couple minutes to get to the slytherin part of the dungeons.

Students and Staff!

6:03am

PerpetuallyTired: Would anyone like to tell me why most of, if not, all of the slytherins are at the dining hall early and complaining about not being able to stand Mr. Dazai yelling about ‘domestic abuse’ and how ‘dogs aren’t supposed to hurt their masters’

Library: Dazai wouldn’t stop teasing Chuuya on his height so he got blocked and then he wouldn’t stop throwing a tantrum because of it so Chuuya went to ‘knock some sense into him’.

Stopgettinghurt: Tell him to take Mr. Dazai to see me before breakfast, I wouldn’t want Mr. Dazai walking around with bruises again.

TheOnlyHufflepuff: Will do.

Stopgettinghurt: That boy needs to stop getting hurt and you need to stop hurting him.

TheOnlyHufflepuff: He wouldn’t get hurt half as much if he would just stop being a nuisance.

Gryffs4life!!: While I agree, you still shouldn’t be beating up your fellow students Mr. Nakahara

TheOnlyHufflepuff: I’m not beating up fellow students, I’m physically correcting the disrespectful behavior of a stinky fish.
It just so happens that I use my fists in a manner that could be perceived as violent to do so.

PerpetuallyTired: …

Gryffs4life!!: Albus, stop laughing.

Gandalf: You have to give it to him, Minerva, that was an eloquent response.

PerpetuallyTired: Regardless, Mr. Dazai’s health is concerning enough as it is so please refrain from harming him.

TheFavorite: I’m fine Snape, chibiko doesn’t hit that hard╮(︶▽︶)╭

😐: Chuuya kicked him in the stomach for that but he told us to just head to breakfast and that they’d meet us there after he gets Dazai ready and they go see Madam Pomfrey.

Stopgettinghurt: Why is he helping Mr. Dazai dress? Did he beat him that bad?

Malfoy👑: I doubt he beat him that bad Madam, he always seems to beat him in a way that doesn’t actually cause any sort of long term damage aside from a bruised ego

#1DazaiHater: As for the other thing, Dazai’s so lazy this is probably a common occurrence for them back in Yokohama

The Best Staff Ever😎

6:15am

Bubbles: Wouldn’t they have to live together or at least close to each other for that to happen?
Haven’t they known each other since before Hogwarts as well?

Mr. Bellum: I pity Mr. Nakahara’s sanity

Buttercup: What do you all believe is the relationship between those two? Every time I receive any new information about them my confusion only grows.

The Mayor: Well have any of you asked?

Mr. Bellum: Last time I talked to them I brought up the fact that they’re always getting into trouble together and I just, can’t, with those two.
I had set up my phone to record it in order to better inform you of what was discussed and because I’ve started keeping track of all the problems they’ve caused but it seems I forgot to send the video.
-insert video-
-In the video you can see McGonagall standing behind her desk, the two boys in front of her, Chuuya on Dazai’s right as always.

M: Do you boys have thoughts and feelings for one another that you feel it’d be better to communicate rather than ignore?

D: I think chibi’s kinda spoiled

C: And I feel like Osamu’s a bitch

M: Language Mr. Nakahara. That’s not quite what I’m looking for, it’s just that it seems that every time either one of you are in trouble, you’re always together. Is there something between the two of you that you may not realize?

C: What does any of that even mean?

D: She’s asking if we’re gay for each other.

Chuuya’s face turns a light pink hue but it’s contradicted by the intense grimace on his face.

D: Is that all professor?

McGonagall is speechless for a moment.

M: That’s not what I was asking but, at this point y’all are dismissed, please leave.

Video ends-

Buttercup: ….

Bubbles: ….

The Mayor: Well then.

Buttercup: I am still SO confused.

Bubbles: I’ve completely given up on even attempting to understand those two.
They’ve just arrived for Mr. Dazai to get a quick check up though so I’ll inform you of anything concerning.

6:27am

Bubbles: They’re on their way to the dining hall right now and there was nothing new that was cause for concern aside from a small bruise on the side of Mr. Dazai’s ribs, assumably from Mr. Nakahara’s constant elbowing whenever Mr. Dazai says something he deems cause for punishment.

6:31am

Buttercup: They’ve arrived and Mr. Nakahara is making Mr. Dazai eat, so there's no need to worry about that today.

Ms. Bellum: Let’s all just enjoy breakfast and try not to stress over those two’s weird relationship.
And stop laughing Albus, it’s concerning the children.

Soukoku dms

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Why aren’t we just telling them again? Dumbledore is looking at us giggling.

StinkyMackerel: Because watching them all looking at us confused whenever we do something slightly affectionate is absolutely hilarious o(>ω<)o
besides why would I want them to know I’m dating such a small chibi

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: You’re evil

StinkyMackerel: You’re dating someone evil<(︶︹︶)>

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: You’re dating someone that’s short

StinkyMackerel: Fuck don’t say that out loud.o(>< )o

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: Shut up and eat.

StinkyMackerel: FIne.
I hate you♡( ◡‿◡ )

Doggy૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა: I hate you too.

StinkyMackerel: (≧◡≦) ♡

Chapter Text

Losers Club ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧ (ref)
2:45pm

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ )♡: Dragons are actually so cool!
Way different from the Eastern ones I see around Yokohama media though
Do you think there's a difference between dragons in the West and dragons in the East in the magical world?

CreepyRatOwner: FINALLY SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS!!
I saw one of Dazai's muggle books but with pictures and he told me it was about dragons but the dragons looked soooo different

BookHermit: You know, you two could always go to the library to read up on the topic.

CreepyRatOwner: But reading is boringffusdjhjkcdoonvresyu!!!!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ )♡: Oh I'm already at the library, though I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay here for if Dazai doesn't stop poking me!!!

EdnaMode: Hasn't he been poking you all day?

NepoBabyFerret: Yeah, I swear I saw him poking you on our way to breakfast and lunch and any classes we had in between

Statuette🐍: Tried asking him about it and he said he'd tell me "if the grenade goes off"
Whatever that means

Baldi’sBasics: it's probably a muggle thing

BookHermit: Grenades are Military explosives typically used in war that blow up after the pin at the top is removed.
I'm assuming he's treating Chuuya like a bomb he's trying to set off.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ )♡: He's so lucky I got lectured by Mme. Pomfrey about hitting him

LocaLuna🌒: I saw you kick him four times in the hallway.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ )♡: You didn't see shit I don't know what you're talking about
Anyways back on topic

EdnaMode: no, why's dazai even with you, I never see him in the library

BookHermit: Dazai, actually comes with me to the library sometimes.

CreepyRatOwner: why would you do that if you can't even really talk to each other

Baldi’sBasics: Sometimes it's nice to just have someone there, even if you aren't doing anything.

CreepyRatOwner: Oh
I guess that makes sense

Annie(Fred’s version): That sounds BORING

Hallie (George's version): it's a great way to get prank ideas though!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ )♡: WE SHOULD CHECK THE FORBIDDEN SECTION OF THE LIBRARY!!! (⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠0⁠*⁠)⁠ﾉ

LocaLuna🌒: y do you have C’s phone?

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ )♡: C!? And also he was ignoring me to read about dragons or whatever ರ⁠╭⁠╮⁠ರ
Anyways, entertain me peasants!

Baldi’sBasics: Yeah, no.

Statuette🐍: how about no?

LocaLuna🌒: OOOH Okay!!
i’ve been meaning to talk about this creature i saw in the forest! 😁

BookHermit: You mean the Forbidden Forest…? The forest I’ve told you several times to stop going to?

LocaLuna🌒: Yup! That one!

Statuette🐍: …💀

LocaLuna🌒: Anyways! There’s this being in the forest, ive never been able to get close to it because it moves as fast as a shadow but like the opposite because shadows need light but this thing seems to hate it
so now that i think about it it’s probably more like a creature of darkness rather than shadow and maybe it’d be destroyed by light or is afraid to be seen
ill have to test that theory next time i go out there, id have to have some sort of back up plan of course but it’d be best not to have light in order to have a better chance at communicating with whatever this creature is

EdnaMode: sometimes I forget you’re a ravenclaw and then you do something like this

LocaLuna🌒: Anyone wanna go with me to the forbidden forest next week?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: MEEEE!!!! I DO!!!Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ!!!!!!

Statuette🐍: Someone tell the twins to stop complaining about not feeling like they’re in the gang anymore since they’ve graduated, in the family groupchat

Hallie (George's version): we aren’t complaining!!

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: OH! That’s why chu chu’s phone kept going off!!
He ended up putting it on silent from the constant notifications (/^▽^)/

Annie(Fred’s version): I CAN’T BELIEVE OUR HONORARY BROTHER’S IGNORING US!!

NepoBabyFerret: I can.

BookHermit: Aren’t you two supposed to be working on your joke shop?

Annie(Fred’s version): WOW

BookHermit: ???

Hallie (George's version): Wow Hermy, Merlin forbid a guy wants to hang out with his friends and family instead of doing manual labour!!

BookHermit: 😐

Baldi’sBasics: Did Ron end up going to the library, he hasn’t sent anything in a while

Statuette🐍: No actually, he’s laying across the common room couch upside down complaining about how bored he is.
He told me to tell you he’s too lazy to type

EdnaMode: He’s been hanging around Dazai too much, we don’t need two lazy idiots

Statuette🐍: He’s now screaming about how he’s not an idiot.
I’m gonna go play with Angel, bye!

BookHermit: I should probably get back to the book I was reading.

3:57pm

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Got kicked out of the library and got house points taken off by Mme. Pomfrey for kicking Dazai’s dumbass in the stomach.
If you see me don’t tell him where I am because if I see him I will kill him and I don’t feel like being expelled

Baldi’sBasics: If you’re hiding from Dazai I think I should mention he just shot up from his bed and ran out the door after seeing your message

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: σ(≧ε≦ｏ)!!!

Dazai & Chuuya victim support group
5:07pm

Blaise: I’m so over their bullshit

Snape: Language, Mr. Zabini.

Draco: What’d they do this time?

Blaise: I’m in the courtyard with them right now but since Chuuya got house points taken away for kicking Dazai, he refuses to speak to him and was sulking under a tree.
Dazai walks up and goes “Hey Chuuya you like science right? Physics, gravity”
Chuuya only glared back at him and I (unknowing of what monstrosity was to come from Dazai’s mouth only seconds later) giggled.

5:12pm

Hermione: Blaise?

Blaise: Sorry, I was just taking a moment to sigh and contemplate everything that ever happened in my life to bring me to that moment.
Dazai then went “Because my love for you is as strong and unstoppable as gravity”
…….

Pansy: Okay, wtf!?

Snape: I’ll allow that one because….what was that…

Blaise: That’s not the end. No, no he kept going.
“I’m so physically attracted to you that it must be caused by gravity”
There was a physics pun in that one by the way.

McGonagall: There must be something wrong with that boy.

Ozaki: There has always been something wrong with Dazai.

Blaise: That’s never been of doubt, but it’s even worse because he just kept on going for like ten minutes and Chuuya looked like a tomato and I can’t tell if it’s from him struggling to hold back the urge to attack Dazai or if the pick up lines were actually working on him.

Dumbledore: I vote both!!

McGonagall: I vote that you be quiet, Albus.

Dumbledore: Well that’s just rude!

Pomfrey: We all know you’re enjoying this, I don’t even know why you’re in this groupchat

Hermione: I’m pretty sure he’s the one who made it after Prof. McGonagall threatened to take house points from Slytherin if she saw Dazai flirt with Chuuya one more time.

Snape: Minerva followed through with it too.

Ginny: As she should, if it wasn’t punishable by detention and the deduction of house points and maybe even expulsion I would’ve fed Dazai to whatever creature in the forbidden forest was closest and hungry.

Ronald: At this point, you aren’t the only one thinking about it.

Draco: Pretty sure the whole club is on the same train of thought.

Losers Club ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧ (ref)
5:34pm

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: I know you guys are badmouthing me in that little support group or whatever(っ- ‸ – ς)

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: What are you talking about you vagabond?

NepoBabyFerret: we aren’t badmouthing you, we’re venting our pain from having to be around you two, menaces to the mind

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!?

Baldi’sBasics: Not stopping Dazai when he was horribly hitting on you. In front of me.

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: he was NOT hitting on me!1! What are you talking about!!!!?

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Yeah!
Who would want to hit on a stupid, slimy, slow, slugΣ(,,oΔo,,*)

EdnaMode: Your bitchass apparently because you don’t seem to ever stop!!

CreepyRatOwner: Bloody hell m8 it’s like an addiction atp

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: You’re just jealous that your girlfriend’s too ugly to even bother flirting with <( ︶︿︶)>

CreepyRatOwner: What does my girlfriend have to do with you flirting with Chuuya

Dazai(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Because you’re all getting mad and upset at me flirting with my boyfriend around you guys! ( ≧Д≦)

5:40pm

Dazai(◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: hello?(-_-)ゞ゛

EdnaMode: Sorry we just need a moment to collectively COLLECT ourselves because…you're tell me we've been suffering through DISGUSTING flirting and RANCID pick up lines, when you've already been swapping spit this whole fucking time….

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Okay, I think that was an exaggeration

CreepyRatOwner: We don't think so actually, in fact, we'd say it's pretty accurate

NepoBabyFerret: okay so, what, y'all have been together this entire time?

Baldi’sBasics: SINCE WHEN!?

BookHermit: @Annie(Fred’s version) @Hallie (George's version) @Statuette🐍 @LocaLuna🌒

Hallie (George's version): Wow Hermione, first you tell us to go work and now you're interrupting our work!!

Annie(Fred’s version): That’s not very nice!!!!!

Statuette🐍: JUST SHUT UP AND BACKREAD!

LocaLuna🌒: I KNEW IT!

Annie(Fred’s version): BLOODY HELL I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER STOP FLIRTING

Hallie (George's version): WHEN WAS THIS DEVELOPMENT!? I GOT NO UPDATE!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Oh since like, 4th year I think

Dazai(◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: YURP!!（。＞ω＜）。

NepoBabyFerret: TWO FUCKING YEARS!!

BookHermit: Fuck you gay ass bitches, on MERLIN, I’m telling Ozaki!

Dazai(◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Damn, you don’t gotta be so rude Herm
Is scarlette overkill not letting you hit or something?（￣へ￣）(ref)

BookHermit: STOP REFERENCING THE FUCKING MINIONS MOVIES

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Also she knows already
Did y’all seriously not know?
You didn’t notice when ‘Samu started putting a heart kaomoji by my name whenever he wrote it like 2 years ago

Statuette🐍: I just thought he was a pinning loser!

Dazai(◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: ∑（○□○）
EXCUSE ME!!!

EdnaMode: Clearly he still is, I just didn’t think he’d ever do anything about it
Also Chuuya,
HIM!? REALLY!? YOU COULD HAVE ANYONE IN THE SCHOOL AND YOU CHOSE HIM!!

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: Idk either tbh

Dazai(◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍)⁠✧⁠*⁠。: Chibi you’re literally the one who asked ME out<(｀^´)>

Hallie (George's version): All this BULLSHIT and I still don’t know who Elise is

CreepyRatOwner: That was months ago, who gives a shit rn
Also where’s Blaise

LocaLuna🌒: Blaise is laying in the library questioning life, and also sending a VERY long message to the support group chat

ChibiSlug(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡: well shit

Students and Staff!

6:14pm

Gryffs4life!!: 60 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN AND HUFFLEPUFF!!!!