Archive of Our Own ^beta

Lily Evans sat on the edge of the Owlery, the cold stone biting through her robes, but it was nothing compared to the chill settling in her chest. The sky was a swirl of violet and silver, stars peeking shyly through the dusk. She had waited an hour already.

James was late. Again.

When the door finally creaked open, Lily stood up quickly, smoothing her skirt, heart leaping with that familiar mix of hope and frustration. But when she saw James’s face—cool, composed, and curiously indifferent—something in her stilled.

"James," she began with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. "You're late."

He didn’t apologize. He didn’t even pretend.

"I know," he said flatly.

Silence fell. The breeze tugged at her hair, and she resisted the urge to fill the silence with something light. Something safe. James was staring out over the edge of the tower now, arms crossed. Distant. Detached.

"You’ve been avoiding me," she said, her voice soft, but steady.

He turned then, finally looking at her properly. "Yeah," he admitted.

A heartbeat. Then another.

"Why?" she asked, already knowing. Already fearing.

James didn’t pace. Didn’t fidget. He simply shrugged. "Because I don’t want to be with you anymore."

The words were knives. No preamble. No kindness.

Lily’s breath hitched. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

“You—” Her voice cracked. “We’ve been together for nearly 6 months.”

“Yeah. And for a lot of that, I think I was pretending.”

She stumbled back a step like he’d slapped her. “Pretending?”

James had the audacity to look bored. “You were what I thought I wanted. Pretty. Smart. Popular. But I don’t want to be someone I’m not anymore.”

“Someone you’re not?” Lily repeated, blood rushing to her ears.

“I’ve been with someone else,” he said casually. “For months now.”

Her world stopped spinning. “What?”

James arched an eyebrow. “Regulus Black.”

Lily stared at him. Surely she misheard. Surely—

“Regulus Black?” she repeated, voice trembling. “Sirius’s brother?”

James’s lips twitched into a ghost of a smile. “He’s brilliant. Smarter than any of us give him credit for. And he sees me. Really sees me.”

“And I didn’t?” she whispered, eyes glistening.

James shrugged again. “You saw the version of me I wanted you to. Golden boy. Quidditch captain. The idiot who chased you around for years. Regulus… he doesn’t want that version. He wants me. The real me.”

Lily felt like she might be sick. “So you cheated on me?”

He didn’t deny it. Didn’t flinch. “Yeah.”

She stared at him, horror and heartbreak wrestling in her chest. “Do you even feel bad?”

“I think I felt guilty. At first. But I stopped lying to myself. And you should stop lying to yourself, too. We were never going to last.”

Tears blurred her vision. “I loved you.”

He looked at her then, really looked, but his eyes held no warmth. “I know. But I didn’t love you. Not really.”

A sob escaped her throat. “How can you say that to me like it’s nothing?”

“Because holding on to a lie hurts more in the long run.”

“And Regulus?” she spat. “Does Sirius know?”

James smirked faintly. “He found out. He wasn’t pleased.”

“And you don’t care?”

“I care. Just not enough to give him up.”

Lily hugged her arms around herself, trying to breathe, to make sense of the shards of her heart on the floor.

“You’ve changed,” she whispered.

James stepped closer, voice low. “Or maybe I finally stopped pretending.”

There was a pause.

Then, almost softly, she asked, “Did I ever make you happy?”

James didn’t answer right away. When he did, it was with unsettling honesty. “You were… safe. Easy to love in theory. But I was always chasing something else, even when I didn’t realize it.”

Tears streaked her face, hot and fast. “Was I just another prize to you?”

He didn’t answer. She laughed bitterly. “God, I think I was.”

She turned away, trying to hide the sound of her sobs.

James didn’t follow her. He didn’t reach out. He just stood there, still as stone.

Lily whirled back, voice cracking. “Does he make you happy?”

James’s face softened a fraction. “Yes.”

There it was. The nail in the coffin. The final confirmation that whatever they had was dust.

Lily wanted to scream. Wanted to hex him into next week. But instead, she stepped back. One. Two. Then three.

“I hope he breaks your heart,” she said, her voice raw. “I hope you wake up one day and realize you destroyed someone who would have loved you until the end.”

James didn’t flinch.

She turned and left, the heavy oak door echoing behind her like the final slam of a chapter ending.

---

James sat on the windowsill of the Slytherin dormitory later that night, hair tousled, shirt unbuttoned at the collar. The green and silver glow from the lake outside bathed the room in eerie light.

Regulus was sprawled on the bed, a book in hand, dark eyes flicking toward James now and then.

“You told her?” Regulus asked, voice unreadable.

James nodded.

“And?”

“She cried.”

Regulus didn’t look surprised. He only closed his book and sat up, back against the headboard.

“You were cruel.”

James looked away. “I needed to be.”

“Did you?”

“Yes.”

Regulus studied him quietly. “You know she’ll hate you forever.”

“I know.”

“Do you care?”

James thought for a long moment. “Part of me does. But a bigger part of me is just… relieved.”

Regulus rose and crossed the room. He stood between James’s knees, tilting James’s chin up.

“You’re a bastard,” he murmured.

“I’ve been called worse.”

Regulus leaned in. “And I still want you.”

James kissed him like he needed to prove a point. Like guilt didn’t exist. Like love—real love—was something sharp and selfish and all-consuming.

---

Lily sat in the Gryffindor common room, curled in an armchair, eyes red and swollen. Marlene sat beside her, hand resting on hers.

“I’m going to kill him,” Marlene said, venom in her voice. “I swear—”

“He’s not worth it,” Lily whispered.

“You’re wrong. You’re worth it. He broke you.”

Lily smiled sadly. “No. I’ll be okay. Eventually.”

“But—Regulus? Really?”

Lily closed her eyes. “He didn’t even try to make it kind.”

“Some people don’t know how to love properly,” Marlene said softly. “Some only know how to take.”

Lily swallowed. “I just wish he’d let me go before he destroyed me.”

“You’ll rise, Lils,” Marlene promised. “And when you do, he’ll realize what he lost.”

“I hope he doesn’t,” Lily murmured, voice shaking. “Because if he does… it’ll mean he was capable of loving me. And that might hurt worse.”

---

Regulus Black was not used to laughter echoing off the Slytherin walls. But James Potter was infectious.

It started small: the morning coffee James insisted on making despite Regulus’s complaints that it tasted “like Gryffindor optimism.” Then it was the way James would touch his arm in passing, casual and warm and constant, as if tethering them together in quiet moments. Eventually, it was the ease with which James fell into step with Regulus’s friends—Barty’s biting wit, Evan’s cynicism, Pandora’s strange brilliance. Dorcas hated him. He hated Dorcas too.

They didn’t just tolerate James. They liked him.

And Regulus—Regulus adored him.

He watched James help Evan with Charms theory one night, sprawled on the Slytherin common room floor, parchment scattered and laughter loud. For once, James wasn’t performative. He wasn’t loud for the sake of it. He was just… present. Honest.

“What are you smiling at?” James asked later, when they were alone in Regulus’s bed, limbs tangled in a heap of sheets and skin.

“You,” Regulus murmured, brushing hair from James’s face. “You’re good.”

James didn’t answer. Just pulled Regulus closer and kissed him slow. Like gratitude. Like he didn’t need to pretend anymore.

---

James was never late anymore.

He didn’t chase Lily across courtyards or shout her name down hallways. He didn’t watch her from afar with guilt brewing in his eyes.

He simply... let go.

And that, somehow, was what broke Lily the most.

Because when she walked into the Great Hall one morning, hair neatly pinned and heart steeled like armor, she didn’t expect James to greet her at all.

But he did.

He caught her eye across the room. Smiled—small and polite—and said, “Morning, Lily.”

Just that.

No weight. No longing. No guilt.

And it shattered her.

Because she had prepared herself for disdain, for avoidance, for the pain of still being seen by him.

She hadn’t prepared for nothing.

Lily sat beside Mary and Marlene, her toast untouched, her breath short.

“You okay?” Mary asked.

Lily nodded stiffly. “He said good morning.”

Marlene glanced at James, now laughing with Regulus, his arm slung across the back of the younger boy’s chair with easy affection.

“He’s moved on,” Marlene muttered.

Lily stared at her plate. “No. He’s happy.”

---

James had never felt this steady before.

He still joked, still teased, but the bravado was gone. He studied with Regulus, read obscure history texts just to have something new to talk about, and didn’t mind when Regulus fell asleep mid-sentence on the common room couch.

They were opposites in theory. Fire and frost. Chaos and control. But in practice, they met in the middle. Found rhythm in the quiet parts.

And James had never felt more like himself.

Not the version he'd worn for years, all glittering charm and relentless pursuit—but the real one, still messy, still flawed, but free.

---

Lily started sitting in the library more often, far from the Astronomy Tower.

She didn't cry anymore. Not really.

But sometimes, when she looked up and caught sight of James with Regulus—James laughing without trying, Regulus leaning in to murmur something that made James’s face soften—she felt the ache settle in her chest like an old scar pulled taut.

It wasn’t the heartbreak that hurt now. It was the knowledge that he was capable of loving this deeply. That maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t wanted her enough to try.

And that was the sharpest cut of all.

---

The dungeons were cold, but the bed was warm.

James lay on his back, one arm tucked behind his head, the other curled protectively around Regulus, who was half-draped over his chest like he belonged there—which, frankly, he did. The fire in the Slytherin common room had long since burned low, casting a flickering green hue on the stone walls, but neither of them had moved in hours.

Regulus was reading, or at least pretending to, a book balanced on James’s stomach, his fingers lazily tracing over the edge of the page. Every so often, he’d pause to push his nose into James’s neck, inhale like he needed the scent of him just to breathe.

“You’re not actually reading, are you,” James murmured, his voice thick with drowsy affection.

Regulus hummed. “Not really.”

James smiled, running a hand slowly through Regulus’s hair, threading his fingers through the soft dark strands. “You comfortable?”

Regulus shifted slightly, tightening his hold, burying his face against James’s chest. “Mm. You’re warm. And loud.”

James laughed, chest rumbling beneath him. “Loud?”

“Your heart,” Regulus murmured. “It’s always so loud when I’m near you.”

“That a good thing?”

Regulus didn’t answer right away. Then, softly: “It makes me feel like I’m not alone.”

That hit James in the chest harder than any Bludger ever had. He leaned down, pressing a slow kiss to the top of Regulus’s head.

“You’ll never be alone again,” he whispered. “Not if I can help it.”

Regulus didn’t respond with words. Just curled in tighter, like he believed him.

And James held on like he’d never let go.