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Cisco’s no expert, but he’s pretty sure the, like, one good thing about dying is that you don’t have to remember what it feels like afterwards.
And you certainly don’t have to reenact it.
It’s not that he’s scared. What is there to be scared of? It’s just taking his nightmare, the horror movie in his head that he can’t stop seeing every time he closes his eyes, night or day, the horror movie that, oh yeah, actually happened to him, it’s just taking that, and reliving it. In real life. Where his actual living, breathing, wide-awake self might actually die.
No, it’s cool, it’s cool. He’ll do it. For Barry, for Caitlin, he’ll do it.
For himself, too.
It’s sick. It’s like the moment where fear becomes thrill at the top of a roller coaster. It’s like not being able to look away from a car crash. It’s like poking at a bruise just to see if it still hurts.
Yeah! Of course it hurts! Like having-your-heart-crushed-by-your-boss-slash-mentor-slash-friend’s-hand hurts!
But he’s not complaining.
He slams down harder onto the bruise, white-knuckle pain, can’t tear his eyes away, free-falling down the rails. He’s going to have to walk right back into his nightmare and it feels like he should be thanking someone for the opportunity.
Here he comes, Caitlin says, and Cisco’s mouth is dry, his body feels numb. He can’t do this.
The elevator doors open. He is doing this.
Ohhh, he’s having an out-of-body experience. He can’t feel his mouth shaping the words, but he says it anyway, You’re him, the Reverse-Flash. He can’t take his eyes off Dr. Wells. This is really happening. His heart is pounding.
“I’m not going to get away with it?”
No, no, no, this isn’t right. Wells is off-script.
It’s too fast. Wells is too amused. He’s mocking, not explaining. This isn’t what he wanted—they, what they all wanted, the confession that’ll free Barry’s dad, that’s what he’s here for, nothing else.
Cisco stumbles backward, onto the platform, and activates the force field. At least he won’t die today. And then it doesn’t work and he’s going to die and Wells didn’t even—
When the face of the dead man sloughs off into Everyman it’s a relief, right? It has to be a relief to realize his tech worked and he was never in any danger. It would be ridiculous for Cisco to be disappointed that, what, Dr. Wells didn’t come and kill him personally?
It’s not that he wants to be killed! Dying sucked! So much!
It’s just, it’s wrong. It’s hollow. He and Bates were both just playing their parts. A cash-grab remake of a cult classic. Passionless and pointless. It’s not the same.
Why would he want it to be?
(Months later, when they put Harry in the yellow suit to rescue Caitlin from Grodd, Cisco will get him to say it, in many ways, you have shown me what it’s like…. And it’ll be close, really it will, enough that he’ll feel the catch in his throat and the tears stinging his eyes, but it still won’t be the same.)
Here’s the deep dark secret he can never tell anyone.
See, the man they knew as Dr. Wells is an incredible actor. None of them really know him at all. Except that Cisco saw his true self that night. And somehow…
In many ways…
Cisco was important to that man. Important enough to confess everything to. Important enough to praise over and over. Important enough to murder, personally, familiarly.
…you have shown me…
Just for a few minutes, the very highest priority of Dr. Harrison Wells, evil supervillain speedster from the future, was… Cisco Ramon.
…what it’s like to have a son.
God, it’s so messed up. He wishes he didn’t have to remember this. He never wants to forget.
He’s glad to be alive, and all that. They’ll find some other way to defeat Wells. Thawne, whoever. This is better, objectively.
But the time warp robbed Cisco of that moment seeing, and being seen by, the man behind the mask. And he’ll never feel anything like it again. He’ll dream of it for the rest of his life, relive it every way he can, forever wanting something that he’ll never get. The twisted intimacy of a hand around his heart.