Chapter Text
John thought he was doing better. And he was.
After the whole Bob/Sentry–Void affair, when he was confronted with his own frail mortality and realized that beings like Bob could tear through him like tissue, he calmed down. It wasn’t like that time when Bucky broke his arm, even though he was holding back. This time it was different.
Bob–Sentry had toyed with them when he first made an appearance. He beat them down just enough for them to realize they couldn’t do any damage to him, never mind kill or subdue him, and sent them off licking their wounds. Until Void (cool fucking name, in John’s opinion), showed up and wanted to send each New York citizen to their own personalized hell.
They became a sort of dysfunctional family, like Yelena likes to say and–whatever.
The point is, that night, when John’s body was still bruised; so bruised that the serum felt like it was taking ages to act on his wounds, John slept like a baby. No nightmares of Lemar telling John he failed as his brains slowly dripped onto the floor, no Olivia calling him a piece of shit and taking his kid away from him, no army, no war, no dad.
John woke up the next day, no longer with any bruises, but still sore. And he laughed.
Is that really what it takes for his brain to stop? To get the shit beaten out of him so badly and made feel like an ant going against a God to sleep well?
He knew it already, though. Bucky’s beating hadn’t been enough, not when Lemar’s death was still so fresh and he couldn’t stop seeing his face every time he blinked. However, during his time in the army, he took a few beatings from his superior–beatings that forced him to stay back while his team went on a mission.
It wasn’t for a long time, two days at most. But in those two days, John slept like a rock. No worries plaguing his mind.
So, after their first night in the old Avengers Tower, he gets up and cooks breakfast for everyone. They think he poisoned the food, even after John reassures him he didn’t and that he could find more creative ways to kill them if he wanted to. Alexei eats without fear, compliments his cooking and launches into a story about rations and eating mud during his Soviet days.
Bob eats too, cautiously, but he tastes the bacon and gives John a soft smile and a nod, as if he’s thanking him.
All John sees when he looks at him is Sentry looking down at them like they aren’t worthy to breathe the same air as him. When John goes to bed that night, he gets glimpses of Sentry and his own twisted mind shows him how the fight could’ve ended differently. He wakes up just as his neck is snapped and yet, when his heart finally slows down, he falls back asleep with a smile on his lips.
It’s one hundred times better than what he’s used to seeing.
So John cooks, attends team meetings, doesn’t complain when they do a stupid team bonding activity and watches TV with the others. No war movies, though.
Yelena and Ava watch Too Hot To Handle with him. Alexei mixes drinks for them, each one stronger than the last, trying to see which will finally get John drunk. And almost every morning, he sits quietly with Bob, drinking his coffee while Bob sips his tea.
Even Bucky has started to come around. The disgust is gone, replaced now by something closer to pity. Especially when he thinks John can’t see him; when John is staring at a wall and pressing down on nonexistent bruises that were on his body at some point.
Still, John is better. Nicer.
It lasts two months. And then Lemar comes back to haunt him in his dreams and suddenly, John doesn’t want to play nice anymore.
The deal with the super soldier serum, is that it amplifies everything.
John knew that before taking the serum, of course. But when he took it, he was thinking about how much stronger he’d become; more capable, finally able to protect people. Even if it meant taking a bullet to his stomach to save a hostage (he’d heal; the hostage wouldn’t).
It amplified other things too, unfortunately. He always slept very little, and was a light sleeper. This, even before he served, and it only got worse when he came back.
He can function on just three hours of sleep per night; less if the situation calls for it.
Thing is, there’s no situation right now. New York is still recovering after the attack two months ago and apparently, so are the villains. So, John shouldn’t be coming up on fifty hours with no sleep, other than he knows that if closes his eyes, he’ll be able to feel bits of Lemar’s brain on his fingers.
He makes it everyone’s problem. Accidentally, of course.
He’s in the communal kitchen cooking breakfast when Ava comes in. Phases in–whatever, and comes to stand beside him. The proximity is making his skin itch, but John just grits his teeth and cracks another egg into the pan. He can tell Ava’s analyzing him.
“Sleep well?” She asks and steals a piece of bacon he had already cooked and set to the side. He rolls his eyes.
“Yes.” He says forcefully and wills his grip to loosen when the spatula he’s using starts to bend. Ava hasn’t stopped looking at him. “You?”
“Yes. What’s happening?” Straight to the point. “You got any news about your divorce? You’ve been weird since yesterday.”
The spatula breaks with an anticlimactic click and the lower part clatters to the floor. Both him and Ava stare at the broken utensil for the next long seconds. He hadn’t heard from Olivia in two weeks, not after he blew up on her when she said their kid wouldn’t be safe at the tower and under his care.
Ava doesn’t know that. None of them do.
“Don’t you have better things to do than to piss me off?” He asks, a smile on his lips that is everything but friendly. John fetches another spatula, a metallic one that he knows will scratch the bottom of the pan.
“I was just keeping you company,” Ava says, voice smaller than before and John feels his heart twist in his chest. Still, when he closes his eyes to take a deep breath, Battlestar dead in his arms is all he sees.
“Well I didn’t fucking ask for it, okay?” He snaps, all bite. “You can leave now.”
Ava stares at him and John hates that he can't read her that well yet. Can’t read any of them yet. Apart from Bob, but he wears his emotions on his sleeve.
“You can talk to us whenever you’re ready to talk.” She probably thinks it’s about Olivia. He waves her off, huffs and goes back to making breakfast. Ava leaves the same way she came in.
The others come in almost one by one. Bucky is the first one to arrive, gives him a nod of acknowledgement and sits down when John places a plate for him on the table. Bob and Yelena arrive together and John really wants to ask if they’re sleeping together, or something. But that would be mean and Yelena knows how to cut deep with her words.
And John feels a little bit unstable. Unstable enough to test if the windows are bullet proof and how they would measure up against a chair thrown at them by a super soldier.
Alexei is the last one to arrive and the man reeks; of alcohol, sweat. You name it. It makes John’s nose twitch and he sees Bucky discreetly leaning down closer to his plate. Still, Alexei thanks him for the food–the only one who does so, and tells them more stories.
When Yelena asks about Ava, John keeps his head down as he eats his eggs and doesn’t utter a word. Bucky and Yelena exchange a glance.
(Later, he’ll knock on Ava’s door and apologize.
“It’s okay.” She says softly, thumbs rubbing against each other. John blinks.
“Just…you can talk to us, John.” And that’s new too; calling him John. Not Walker, or bootleg Captain America. Alexei calls him a machine though, which is probably a good thing. John nods.
As he closes the door, he can still feel her gaze on him. Like she can see right through him.)
He argues with Alexei and Yelena on the same day. A new record for him.
Well, argument is a stretch. It was, admittedly, one-sided.
It’s just that–Alexei is so loud sometimes. And John will blame the serum for this; his hearing is amplified too, to the point where if it’s quiet enough, he's able to hear someone’s heartbeat. So, Alexei’s voice sounds grating to his ears. He knows Bucky feels the same; he’s seen him wince when Alexei is particularly loud.
Lemar is getting more realistic in his nightmares, leading to John not feeling so cheerful. So, when he comes for dinner and Alexei’s voice is the first thing he hears even before he sets foot in the kitchen, he can already feel a headache forming.
“Comrade! Join us!” Alexei says, shouts really, and John sighs.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m here,” he raises his hands, gives a tight smile and listens to Alexei cheer.
“Are you cooking for us?” Yelena asks him. It’s only then that he notices they’ve got no food going on. They’re just sitting down and what–talking? And they expect him to cook?
“No? You didn’t tell me anything. I thought the food would be ready when I got here.” He really tries not to snap and keeps the tight smile on his lips.
“I thought you were our designated chef,” Yelena says. She tilts her head slightly and John immediately knows she’s analyzing his reaction. He opens his mouth to respond–
“YES! Captain America is an excellent cook. His food is great!” His voice comes through so loud and unexpected that John can’t suppress a flinch. It makes him go from zero to one hundred in an instant.
He slaps the countertop. “Jesus Alexei! Can you be a little more quiet? God. It’s like your voice is melting my brain.” John holds his head in his hands and resists the urge to pull at his hair.
He points at Yelena. “And no, I’m not going to cook for you. I’m no one’s fucking chef. It’s not on me that none of you know how to fry a fucking egg.”
By the end of his rant, he’s almost shouting and realizes his breathing has gotten much quicker. They’re all looking at him and John feels uncomfortable, but he doesn’t back down. If they want a fight, he’ll give them all a fight.
“John.” Yelena’s voice cuts through his adrenaline induced state. “We ordered takeout.”
He deflates all at once. It’s almost dizzying, going from amped up to just awkwardly staring at them. There’s a dent on the counter where he hit it and Bob’s eyes are on him the whole time.
He doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t. He makes his way to his room, hears Alexei’s quiet sorry that he picks up thanks to his super soldier hearing and walks even faster.
When he opens his door hours later in the dead of night with the intention of grabbing something to eat from the kitchen, he finds a little takeout box on the ground. It doesn’t have any notes, and the food is cold, but John eats it and it warms his heart.
He has a suspicion of who might have left it there.
A week after that, they’re doing a team bonding activity.
The activity is more training, really. They need to work as a team to destroy holograms of the Chitauri aliens in a simulation of the battle of New York.
John was far away from New York when the battle was happening, stationed in the Middle East and wherever they needed him to be. He remembers seeing it on a small shitty screen and thinking he could’ve helped them if he was there. He could’ve helped the Avengers; could’ve helped Cap.
He feels a slap to the back of his head and gasps more in surprise than pain. When he looks to the side, Yelena’s lip is quivering as she tries to hold back her laughter.
“Ow! What the hell was that for?” He shouts and gets a pointed look from the nice lady explaining what they have to do.
“Shush!” Alexei shouts, louder than John had, by the way, and John throws his arms in the air.
“You were distracted. Physically you’re here, but not mentally.” Yelena tells him, not unkindly. Matter-of-factly actually, as she often does. John huffs.
“I’m here,” John grumbles and gets a pointed look from Yelena. She looks like she doesn’t believe him one bit and John doesn’t have time to explain–nor did he think he was going to, when everyone starts moving.
He’s paired with Yelena, Bucky is with Alexei and Ava is with Bob.
John mentally ranks the weakest team, just in case they need that information for later. Ava and Bob. They’d be the strongest, just with Bob alone, but he refuses to use his powers in front of them. Something about being scared of hurting them, and a bunch of other bullshit.
Like they haven’t been dying to see Sentry. John knows he has.
Anyways. There’s a countdown and once the clock reaches zero, they’re all moving. John and Yelena are on civilian duty. Killing aliens and saving civilians. He wanted to be the one to beat Loki, but Bucky and Alexei unfortunately got assigned that part.
He and Yelena actually make a good team once John lazer focuses on the mission. The holograms are weird because they’re well, clearly holograms with a blue tint, but John can touch them and when he talks, the civilians actually respond and do what he says.
The nice woman said they’d be able to interact with them and feel pain as well as hurt them as if they were the real thing. However, actually feeling and seeing it happen is really weird.
“I thought this’d be cooler,” John says, as he kicks one of the aliens in its chest only to throw his shield and split it in half. He grimaces at the holographic blood dripping and Lemar is there and–he shakes his head to clear his mind and headbuts the next alien. His fingers twitch.
“You don’t think this is cool?” Yelena asks him as she shoots one of the things with her Glock 19.
John shrugs and barely dodges in time to avoid getting hit by a shot from them. “I don’t know. The Avengers made it look really cool on TV.”
The next Chitauri runs at them and he only needs to glance at Yelena for a second to know what’s on her mind. John rips its arm out of its socket while Yelena shoves a grenade inside its mouth. The holograms are not real, but the grenade is and they both run to take cover.
“I wouldn’t know. I was still a Black Widow, then. Didn’t have time for alien invasions.” Time as in, she was getting tortured and brainwashed. John presses his lips into a tight, thin line and Yelena stares at him.
“Yikes.” John says and abandons their cover because the Chitauri are starting to close in on them again. And because he doesn’t know what to say, but mainly because of the aliens.
“Go inside!” He hears Yelena shout and the civilians do so, taking cover inside of a building. It gets a bit repetitive after a while as he punches alien after alien and throws his shield and shoots some heads off. He gets hit back too, and is surprised when he can feel bruises forming. The itch inside him grows.
And then their comms go off.
“We need backup.” Bucky’s voice comes through, calm, but definitely strained. He wonders where Alexei–
“Come now! Long haired man does not die!” He winces as Alexei’s booming voice comes through and sees Yelena do the same.
“We’re on our way,” John replies. They shoot some bastards as they run towards the sound of explosions and metal punching through walls. He sees them then; Bucky and Alexei, but no Ava and Bob. He tries not to think about them as the holographic Loki zeros in on the newcomers.
“Have you come to help them?” Loki laughs, high pitched and a bit manic. “Good. The more that come to see me fulfill my glorious purpose, the better.”
John cringes. “So cheesy.” Yelena says with disgust and John can only agree.
“He’s been saying things like these for the past half an hour,” Bucky says, monotone and somehow looking like the one hundred something year old guy that he is. “The faster we do this, the faster we can leave.”
“Yes! Your enthusiasm excites me!” Alexei roars, slaps Bucky on the back and tries to tackle Loki headfirst.
They all watch as he gets swatted like a fly with one hit from that spear looking thing Loki is holding. The scepter, he remembers hearing about it. It looked more impressive on TV.
“Right.” John says, dryly. He gets into his fighting stance, knees slightly bent and shield–also bent, held in front of him. His heart beat skyrockets when Loki starts approaching them, but the smile that grows on his lips is feral, animalistic. Even holographic Loki hesitates in his step when he takes his expression in. They don’t.
They attack him as one, covering all the fronts. Alexei is already standing and goes behind him to kick Loki at the back of his knees and force the God to kneel. John punches him on his side while Bucky punches him on his face with his metal arm. Yelena aims her gun at him, but Loki deflects the shots with the scepter and they all move out of the way when he starts shooting blasts from that thing.
John stays put, shield firmly held in his hand as he prays the damn thing holds. He feels each blast in his body and the itch starts growing again.
With a growl, he kicks Loki–who’s already standing, square in the chest, expecting him to go down, but the God merely stumbles and looks at him enraged. He barely lifts his shield in time to block a hit to his face and when he lowers it just enough so he can see, Loki is standing right in front of him.
John only has time to widen his eyes a fraction before his neck is involved in an inhuman grip. He’s lifted off his feet, unable to touch the ground and he can hear the others screaming. He doesn’t understand why they aren’t helping him until he sees them banging on a blue force field, probably created by the scepter Loki is holding.
“This is not real. This is not real.” John repeats as his throat gets more and more constricted by the second. Loki pulls John closer to him until their faces are mere inches apart. He looks sick and maniacal.
“Oh, but it is.” Loki’s next action registers in John’s mind in slow motion.
The God lifts his scepter and angles it down. John can see the tip of it, pointy and glowing heading towards his chest and yet, he can’t do anything to stop it besides struggling against the unyielding grip. It’s almost maddening how slow it happens and when it finally reaches John’s chest, he can’t breathe.
Logically, he knows it’s not real. He knows it can’t hurt him. But the irrational part of him, the part that watched Hawkeye’s press conference and saw him talk about how Loki was able to twist his mind with the scepter–that part takes control.
Loki lets go of him and John can’t stand on his own two feet. He falls to his knees and the hologram kicks him in his chest hard enough for him to slide roughly on the ground until he comes to a stop. He doesn’t get up and he still can’t breathe.
John hears the others scream as if he were underwater and then sees people running towards Loki. Ava–he sees Ava and the others following her. Someone kneels next to him and John’s vision is starting to get blurry but he can see that it’s Bucky. His eyes are wide open and he appears to be telling him something as he breathes exaggeratedly.
It’s then that John notices he’s gasping, yet no air is entering his lungs.
His muscles start spasming because of the lack of oxygen in his brain and he sees Bucky’s mouth moving as he shouts at someone. He looks frantic, but John can barely register anything anymore.
And then he sees him, a gun in his hand that he drops once they make eye contact and yellow rings around his pupils that John has only seen at night.
“JOHN!” He hears it as clear as day, almost as if Bob said it inside his head and then the man starts glowing. John closes his eyes and feels Bucky hunch his body over his. The last thing he hears before his brain finally forces him to faint is a loud explosion and then total darkness. He doesn’t dream of anything.
John wakes up hours later in the Tower’s infirmary, confused and thirsty. Bucky is sitting by his bed and as he hands him a cup of water when John asks. He also tells him very plainly that he had a panic attack.
“A panic attack? That’s for pu–,” he stops when he notices the way Bucky tenses and his metal fingers twitch like they want to grab John by his neck. He hands him the cup when he’s finished and they stare at each other for the next very uncomfortable few seconds.
Bucky sighs and sits down. “Good to know you woke up still an asshole.”
“What–” he clears his throat. “What happened?”
Bucky’s eyes widen and John rushes to explain. “I know what happened, dipshit. I didn’t suddenly lose my memory,” he rolls his eyes and Bucky looks ready to grab him by his neck again.
“I meant–what happened with Sentry?” He asks and watches as Bucky carefully keeps his face blank.
“It was Bob, not Sentry–”
“Whatever.”
“–And I guess he saw that you were hurt and he wanted to help.” Bucky finishes, a look on his face that dares John to ask for more, and he always rises to the challenge.
“That was Bob? He started glowing! He looked like a flashlight!” John shouts, hands thrown in the air. And then the rest of Bucky’s sentence finally registers in his brain. “Wait. He did that for me?”
“While you were out, they ran all kinds of tests on him. He’s resting now, but he didn’t lose control and he didn’t try to kill any of us. He was just Bob, using his powers,” Bucky explains to him and then a smirk grows on his lips. “Yeah, he did it for you. Feeling good about that?”
John rolls his eyes, but he can feel the tip of his ears turning red. He’s pretty sure Bucky can see it too, judging by the sudden twinkle in his eyes.
“Whatever. Don’t you have to go kiss your Captain America or something?” He huffs and pulls the blankets up to his shoulders. This bed is comfortable. Bucky just shrugs.
“Nah. Sam knows what happened. I told him I wanted to be here.”
“Oh.” He’s suddenly ashamed of the way he’s been talking since he woke up, but he doesn’t apologize. Bucky leans back in his chair looking all smug. Asshole.
“Yeah, oh.”
They decide that Bob should learn to control his powers after the whole simulator fiasco, (which they still haven’t been able to repair).
Therefore, every two days or so, one of them–usually Yelena, goes to the gym with Bob to teach him some regular combat but also to offer him a safe and non-scary place to use his powers. Yelena’s words, not his.
Yeah because, he’s not allowed to train with Bob. Yet, Valentina says. But when he asks why, he just gets a side-eye from her and he knows she’s holding back to not call him some creative insult based on Captain America.
He thinks it’s the team who decided to not let him train with Bob.
Ever since that team bonding exercise, they’ve been treading around him with caution and acting like he’s going to explode at any moment. He’s not, thank you very much, even though he’s started to hallucinate Lemar during the day after seventy hours with no sleep.
So, he’s a bit on edge, but who isn’t?
And it’s with that mentality that he joins the team in the communal kitchen for the first time today. It’s dinner time.
The first person he sees when he walks in is Bob. He hasn’t spoken to him since the simulator incident. He’s ashamed of how he reacted to some holograms and had to be saved by the guy. It also doesn’t help that Bob used his powers for him, without caring of how it would turn out.
“Good morning,” Ava says, teasingly. The sun has already set. Bob turns around and looks surprised upon seeing him. John can’t blame him; he has barely left his room, except to go to the gym in the late hours of the night or to grab a snack from the kitchen. And he still somehow manages to get into an argument with one of them every single time.
“Morning.” John replies, monotone. He sits down on the only available seat, which happens to be next to Bob. Bob smiles at him and John almost lets out a smile before he spots Lemar in the corner of his eye. He puts his head down and grits his teeth, missing the way Bob’s smile falls from his face.
“Busy day, comrade?” Alexei asks as he and Yelena are in the middle of cooking something. Slavic, he thinks, based on the smell.
“Yeah, super busy.” He says, head still down. He had spent the whole day just trying to keep himself awake. From a two hour cold shower to five hundred pushups and another five hundred jumping jacks. And just pacing around his room before finally giving up and leaving.
He couldn’t handle the drip drip of Lemar’s brain matter dripping on his floor anymore.
“We watch movie tonight. You too?” Alexei asks him and John sighs. He doesn’t know, and he tells them as much.
After they all awkwardly stare at him, he’s no longer the center of attention and for once he’s grateful. They talk among themselves and John just focuses on his breathing and hopes that if he closes his eyes hard enough, Lemar will leave.
“Are you okay?” Bob asks him softly, and John can hear his fingers tapping anxiously on the table.
“Hmhm.” He hopes it’s enough. He hasn’t eaten all day and he doesn’t want to get into another fight that will force him to go to his room hungry.
“Are you sure? The psychiatrist is coming tomo–” John almost bites his tongue from how fast he lifts his head to look at Bob. The other stares at him wide-eyed.
“I don’t need fucking therapy, I’m not like you.” He snaps and regrets his words almost immediately. Everyone turns to look at them and the only sound that can be heard is the food sizzling in the pan.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” Bob he–he fucking apologizes to him. John treats him like shit and he apologizes. He opens his mouth, but before he can speak (he doubts anything good would come out of it anyway), Yelena beats him to it.
“Bob. Come help me, please.” She tells Bob, but her gaze is fixed on John. And if looks could kill, he’s sure he’d be dead on the floor by now.
Bob nods and gets up. Before he can make his way to Yelena, he looks at John and gives him a tiny smile, almost as if he’s saying that he forgives him. Which would be bullshit because John is mean to him.
Now everyone truly ignores him, even after dinner is served.
He ends up staying for the movie and learns that tonight is Bob’s turn to pick what they’re going to watch. John’s must’ve missed his turn, or they simply skipped him. (They didn’t. He remembers Ava knocking on his door two weeks ago and him saying he didn’t like movie nights. They never called him again after that.)
He picks Inception which–it’s actually John’s favorite movie. He doesn’t think he ever admitted that to anyone, though. Olivia knew, but she always knew everything. The thought of Olivia and associating her with his favorite movie makes him grit his teeth.
“Why did you choose this one?” He asks Bob, loudly. The smile on John’s face is tight. Bob looks around, suddenly nervous, and adjusts the blanket over his legs.
“Hm, I just did? I like the movie, it’s cool,” he shrugs, yet John can see the way he can’t look him in the eye anymore.
“It’s cool? I mean, yeah, sure. But like, why though?” John asks, gaze never wandering from Bob’s face.
“You wanna fuck DiCaprio or something?” He aims for a teasing tone but clearly fails when Bob looks away and hunches his back, as if he wants to disappear into the couch. Someone exhales loudly.
“Walker. With me.” Bucky says as he points his index at him and just starts walking away.
“Bucky? What the hell? I’m not a dog.” He still gets up anyway and follows Bucky. You can start the movie, I’l watch it another day, Bucky tells Yelena and when he glances back, he sees her nod and sit on the couch.
John’s eyes skim over Bob’s figure, but the man doesn’t look up. When he looks back at Bucky, he sees the man entering the elevator.
“Hey, wait!” He does a little jog and makes it just in time before the elevator’s doors close. “Thank you for holding the doors.” He says ironically and Bucky doesn’t even acknowledge his presence. The ride down is awkward and surprisingly long. It takes John a few seconds to realize they’re headed for the gym.
Once they reach the thirtieth floor and the doors open, Bucky exits without saying a word. John follows him and pays close attention to Bucky’s behaviour.
“So…why did you bring me here? Are you like the Winter Soldier again or something?” He can’t help but ask. The snarl that leaves Bucky’s mouth doesn't reassure him.
“You’re being a fucking asshole to everyone, Walker.” Bucky says and John immediately wants to deny it, but he can’t.
“What did Bob do to you, hm?” The question appears to be rhetorical because when John opens his mouth to reply, Bucky snarls again. “Nothing.”
Bucky starts heading towards the corner where they keep their boxing gear.
“But I can see what you’ve been asking for, John. I know all your tells.” John keeps his mouth shut. “So I’ll give it to you, because I’m nice like that.”
He tosses the hand wraps at John who grabs them one handed. He looks down at them and then looks up at Bucky.
“Wrap your knuckles. Or don’t, I don’t care.” He starts wrapping his hand; the non vibranium one. John is a bit stunned.
“Why are you doing this?” He asks quietly after a few seconds, and drops the hand wraps on the floor. Bucky looks at them like he knew he’d do that. He acknowledges him for the first time.
“To see if I can beat the douchery out of you since nothing else works.”
They had been doing other things to help him? How had he missed that? No, Bucky was probably fucking with him. He wasn’t needed on the team except during missions. And he still managed to fuck up a training session.
Bucky starts warming up and John does the same. He ignores the Lemar that is standing just a few feet from him asking him why he let him die as he gargles on his own blood.
“Are we doing this or not?” He snaps and gets into his fighting stance, eyes focused on Bucky. The other super soldier takes one look at him and sighs. Nonetheless, he gets into his fighting stance.
This spar–that is definitely a fight, goes differently than when they last fought. For once, Wilson isn’t here. And John has gotten better. Bucky also doesn’t hold back, which John can only return.
They hit each other with punches that would break the jaws of regular people and kicks hard enough to break ribs. Bucky has more experience, so he sometimes catches John off guard and elbows him hard enough that John has to double over to keep from throwing up.
However, John didn’t earn the reputation of being the best fighter in the army by the men around him for no reason. So, he gives as good as he gets and he makes Bucky bleed. Ten minutes in and they’ve got matching cuts on their foreheads and Bucky spits blood on the floor as John wipes his bloody mouth.
They circle each other like predators, each smelling defeat in the other. Then, they go again.
John needs to block every time Bucky punches him with his metal arm, otherwise he’d actually get his teeth broken. It’s because of that that Bucky gets a good read on him and knows when he’s going to block.
Bucky feints a punch to his head, making John automatically raise his hands to protect his face, then Bucky goes for his middle instead and tackles him to the ground. John is too surprised to try to twist and invert their position, so he goes down hard, a ngh leaving his mouth as all the air is pushed out of his lungs.
“You were doing so good, man. What happened?” Bucky asks him and the question is so genuine that John hesitates for a second.
He started seeing his dead best friend again. “None of your business.” Bucky growls.
The other super soldier starts raining punches on him, punch after punch and all aimed at his head but–he’s holding back on his metal arm. His hits don’t make John’s bones rattle anymore. He’s going easy on him.
That thought has John snarling and buckling wildly to get Bucky off of him. He manages to do so, albeit briefly. It only gets him in a worse position as Bucky twists and uses John’s momentum against him to pin him to the floor with one arm behind his back. Bucky applies pressure on that arm and he’s suddenly taken back to their last fight.
John has no other choice but to calm down. Having his arm in a cast was not a fun time.
“John. Talk to me.” Bucky demands, like he’s not currently pressing one knee to his back and one wrong move away from breaking his arm.
“I don’t–everything is okay.” He gets a punch to the temple so fast he doesn’t have time to tense his muscles. That one makes his vision swim and Lemar disappear. Finally.
“It’s just–I–,” John starts breathing harder, and it has nothing to do with Bucky’s weight on top of him. He can’t tell him he’s hallucinating his dead best friend and that he sees him every night. Bucky would look at him with concern and John would actually jump out of the window.
“It’s just what?”
“I can’t.” Bucky raises his fist. “Please! I can’t, Bucky. I’ll be…I’ll be nicer. I promise.” He pants, looking at Bucky from the corner of his eye. The other man looks down at him, really looks at him. He must find something genuine because the hold he has on his arm loosens and he gets up.
John stays lying down, wincing as he moves his arm. He can tell Bucky is looking at him, but John keeps his eyes fixed on the gym wall. He hears the other shift stances and then sigh. Softly, Bucky says his name, so softly that he thinks it might not have been for him to hear.
“We miss your pancakes, John.” Bucky says, then turns to leave. Once the doors of the elevator close, only then does John breathe.
Later, when he goes back upstairs, limping and holding his ribs, he sees the team on the couch. Bucky is with them. When they lock eyes, he sees no challenge in them, only curiosity, for what John is going to do, maybe. He can feel Bob’s eyes looking him over, unmistakably taking note of his injuries.
John doesn’t say anything as he makes his way to his room and closes the door with a soft click. He takes his clothes off, decides to shower in the morning and gets in bed. Just before he falls asleep, exhausted and sore, he prays it works.
It doesn’t. He still wakes up, four hours later, looking down at his hands and expecting to see Lemar’s blood on them.
It didn’t work because he’s seen the man behind the Winter Soldier, John muses.
The real Bucky. The man that loves cookies and that falls asleep while watching TV, yet if someone tries to switch channels, he’ll claim he was just resting his eyes. He knows he loves to take walks and ride his bike in Brooklyn. And he also knows he sometimes screams himself awake.
John needs to keep trying. He needs him. Sentry.
Sentry is not Bob. Bob is kind and awkward. Sentry is a God that would tear John apart without breaking a sweat. He’s the one that can give John what he needs.
It’s only pure exhaustion that leads John to fall back asleep and this time, it’s Bob who he dreams with. They’re in a park and it’s peaceful and quiet. John doesn’t talk, but he somehow knows Bob would listen to him if he did. He wakes up feeling rested.
Valentina has a way of getting anything she wants. She got Sentry, then she brought them together as a team when her plan to pit them against each other didn’t work. So, when John goes to talk to her about wanting to train with Bob, he knows he has to make her feel as though that’s something that would benefit her.
He arranges a meeting and puts on his best smile when Valentina and Mel walk in through the doors. The woman immediately looks at him with disgust.
“Did you get something shoved up your ass last night? Is that why you’re smiling so much?” John’s smile wavers, but he stands tall.
“Good morning Valentina, Mel,” he acknowledges both and only Mel nods back at him. “I would like to ask for permission to train with Bob.”
“Permission? Why would you need my permission? I don’t care about what you do in the Tower as long as it doesn’t ruin my reputation.” She signs something that Mel hands her and barely glances his way. “Look. Is this all you wanted to ask me? You’re just wasting my time.”
She turns around to leave, literally just a minute after walking in. John has to take a few steps towards her and make a move to grab Valentina’s arm before the woman sidesteps and looks at him sharply. Right, he sometimes forgets she’s a spy.
He holds his hands up.
“Listen. I just want to train with him. You said I couldn’t do that yet, so I just want to know when.” Valentina looks at him weird and John’s heart drops.
“Yeah, I said that because you had just had your little panic attack. Didn’t want you freaking Bob out with your bullshit.” She signs something else and mutters a curse under her breath about stupid super soldiers. “You’ve been cleared for duty a long time ago, you could’ve been training with him all this time.”
“No but–” she looks at him like his presence annoys her, “–Bucky told me I couldn’t train with him yet, that I wasn’t ready.” He said that just a few days after beating his ass, actually. When John went to apologize to him like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs.
“So? I didn’t give that order, that has nothing to do with me.”
Okay. This is easier than John thought it would be, then. It’s only his team that doesn’t want him near Bob, gotcha.
“Well, but I’m not allowed to train with him. And I could teach him so many things.” She snorts.
“Like what?”
“Well, I was in the military–” Valentina laughs at that, “–and there I learned to take orders. To obey. I learned to lead a squad, but also how to listen to others’ wishes.” John knows he has her the moment her eyes get a certain twinkle in them. All she wanted from the beginning was to control Sentry.
“And well, I could teach Bob that. Not to take orders from me–we’re on the same team, but from others. Our superiors.” He balances on the balls of his feet and looks at both of them with a wide smile.
“Hm.” Valentina looks at him as though she’s trying to understand what John is going to get from this. She apparently decides that she could get more from the deal because she waves her hand dismissively.
“I’ll talk to the team.” Valentina and Mel leave, heels clicking on the marble floor.
John’s smile doesn’t leave his face.
A couple hours after his run, he enters the Avengers Tower and finds Valentina speaking with Bucky and Yelena as he arrives on the team’s floor. He catches the end of their conversation as he slows down in his step and lurks around the corner to not interrupt them, and maybe to hear what they’re saying.
“Dollar store Cap has a particular set of skills that I want Bob to get familiar with. And learn from him.” Valentina says. She sounds less bored than she was talking to him; less mean. John tries not to take it personally.
“Learn from him? Everything John can teach him, I can do it better.” Bucky tells her, which, rude, but whatever. Bucky only has experience on him.
“And I don’t know if Bob wants to train with him.” Yelena adds, which makes John pause. Is he scared of John?
“Well, has he specifically said that he doesn’t want to train with Walker?” A silence follows that John can’t decipher. “No? Then it’s decided. He’s allowed, and he has to train with Bob.”
“And I’ll know if he doesn’t.” She adds and John knows for a fact she has her index pointed at them, like she often does when she’s reprimanding them.
“Any more questions, complaints?” Her heels click on the floor as she starts to walk away and John looks around for someplace to go, but finds nothing. “Okay then. I’ll see you very soon, bye bye.”
Her footsteps get louder as she approaches him and once she’s near him, John puts a smile on his face that he hopes is convincing. Valentina huffs when she sees him and doesn’t greet him as she steps inside the elevator already looking down at her phone.
John takes this as his moment to finally leave the corner and finds Bucky and Yelena looking at him, unimpressed.
“Hey guys.” He waves. He can swear Bucky’s eye twitches.
“You went to Valentina?” John blinks.
“I have the right to train with him, as you do.” He says, walking past them as he takes off his sweaty tank top. He needs a shower.
“You are an asshole to him, and now you want to train with him. Why?” Yelena asks him and John hesitates. They would never let him near Bob if they knew what he wants from him.
John shrugs. “I’m an asshole to everyone.”
“Oh, so you’re aware. That’s good to know.” Yelena deadpans. John resists the urge to chuckle out of fear of getting stabbed.
“You didn’t answer the question.” Bucky reminds him, and John rolls his eyes this time.
“I just want to get better, that’s all, guys. Calm down.” He puts his hands up, and he really doesn’t understand all the animosity. “Bob is powerful. It’s good to be prepared.”
“If you hurt him, Walker, I will kill you.” Yelena tells him. She sounds every bit like the Black Widow she used to be and John feels a shiver running down his spine. Still, he scoffs.
“Hurt him? He can kill me with a flick of his hand.”
Yelena doesn’t relent. “Kill. You.”
Is she still talking about him physically hurting Bob?
“Okay, whatever.” He walks away to his room, feeling their eyes on him. Nothing can wipe the smile off his face, not even his team not trusting him. He’ll finally be able to sleep again.
He’s not even planning on hurting Bob, anyway.
The next day, John is almost giddy in a way he hasn’t been in a very long time. He gets up early (he didn’t sleep), cooks everyone breakfast and does some chores. The team is skeptical, but Ava and Alexei go along with it. They’re glad to see him not be an asshole for once.
Bucky and Yelena are suspicious. They know he’s training with Bob today, and can’t help but wonder if that is the reason why John is so happy.
He doesn’t care what they think, really. Lemar is choking on his blood in the corner as John wipes the windows. He ponders, just for a second, if he could break the windows if he threw himself at them, and then remembered he wouldn’t survive the fall. Still, he has a headache and the hours aren’t passing fast enough.
He talked with Bob, briefly, just to tell him he’d be training with him today.
(“You’re with me at the gym today, is that okay?” John had aimed for casual, yet his voice trembled slightly. He couldn’t force him to go if he didn’t want to; Yelena would have his head on a stick if he tried.
“Yeah, it’s okay. I’m looking forward to it,” Bob tells him, a faint smile on his lips as he taps his fingers on the counter and waits for the scalding tea to grow slightly colder.
“Okay, yeah. Great!” John gives him a thumbs up, immediately feels embarrassed about it, but Bob makes it slightly better when he laughs softly and shakes his head. It doesn’t feel mean, so John doesn’t take it badly. Although, he didn’t expect his stomach to twist the way it did upon hearing his laughter.)
So, John does more chores and keeps his mind and hands busy as he waits until it’s seventeen hundred hours.
He walks to the elevator, waves at Alexei that wishes him good luck and ignores Bucky who appears to be doing his best to turn him into stone. He finds Bob waiting for him near the doors, dressed in a tracksuit and holding a water bottle and some hand wraps. He smiles when he sees John, and John smiles back.
“Nervous?” He can’t help but ask as the elevator’s doors close and they start heading down. Bob shrugs.
“No, it’s going to be okay. It’s just–” he pauses, and looks at John. John tilts his head. “If I hurt you, or it’s too much; you need to tell me. Okay John?”
He asks him seriously, not a hint of a smile on his face. He’s worried.
“Yeah, of course buddy.” John gives him a friendly pat on the back and stares straight at the metal doors. Bob’s eyes don’t leave him the whole way down.
He exits the elevator first, with Bob following suit. Immediately, he goes to the corner with all the supplies and starts wrapping his hands. Bob just stands awkwardly in the middle of the room for the next couple of minutes but eventually John watches him wrap his hands and begin to stretch through the corner of his eye.
John joins him once his hands are wrapped and starts warming up with a jumping rope. The itch is already growing inside of him and they haven’t even started yet.
It takes him ten minutes to feel sufficiently warmed up and Bob is just kind of staring at him, seemingly awkward about the whole thing. John drops the rope and throws it to the side.
“Right!” He claps his hands and ignores the way Bob jumps at the sound. “You ready to start?” Bob nods hesitantly and John repeats another right under his breath.
“What do you usually do with Yelena or Bucky?” He starts off simple. For sure they do more than just talk about their feelings down here.
“We spar sometimes and–”
“You spar? That’s great! Exactly what I had in mind.” He cuts Bob off, hands on his hips and wide-eyed as he looks at the other. Bob shifts stances and looks even more uncomfortable, if that’s even possible.
“I-I don’t know John.” He tells him in a small voice and John feels his anger rise before he manages to get it under control.
“Why?”
“We never fought before, and…” Bob shrugs, “I don’t want to hurt you, that’s all.”
“We have fought before.” John tells him without missing a beat. He also ignores the way Bob telling him he doesn’t want to hurt him makes him feel. “We fought Sentry and we got beaten so bad, dude.”
“That’s–that’s not me.” Bob says like it hurts him as he shakes his head. “I never apologized to you for that, I’m sorry J–”
“Apologize? Why would you apologize? You were amazing, and so powerful.” And you helped me sleep well for two months, John doesn’t say. Bob still looks skeptical. “But I…I forgive you, it’s okay. We’re a team. We need to have each other’s backs and I want to train with you to be more prepared for our missions.”
His words are genuine; he has forgiven Bob. How could he not? He helped John more than any therapist ever could, even if John has never been to one. And he doesn’t wish to.
Bob looks slightly more at ease, although still a bit nervous. John wants him to be able to fully let go, though, so that’s not going to work.
“How about we just go slow at first? No powers, just basic combat training.” He suggests and Bob immediately nods like an eager puppy. John chuckles. “Alright.”
“Show me what they taught you,” John says, and then they’re off.
Bob’s fighting stance is too low, and John tells him that. Bob corrects it with a thank you and a smile on his face. John throws slow jabs that Bob can see coming and he’s pleased when the man blocks and even throws his own jabs back.
He goes a bit faster and Bob keeps up with everything he throws at him. John puts more strength behind each punch and watches carefully as Bob’s face becomes more closed off with each hit.
He swipes his legs, and Bob goes down for the first time that day. He contemplates following him down, but forgoes that in order to offer him a hand and help him get up. “Are you–” okay; he doesn’t finish because when Bob looks up at him, he sees those same yellow rings in his eyes.
John’s suddenly breathless as he swallows the saliva pooling in his mouth. Bob looks at his neck like he can hear the wet working of his throat.
“Yes, I’m okay.” Bob says, quietly and lets go of John’s hand. He gets into his fighting stance without having to be prompted, and John does the same.
After that, it feels like they both slowly stop holding back. John knows how hard he can punch; he knows he can kill a person with a punch. But when he hits Bob square in the face with a punch that would, in the least, knock someone out, Bob’s head merely snaps to the side before the man is on him again.
It’s exhilarating. To hit and be hit, to not hold back and know he’s not going to hurt the person in front of him. John can feel the way Bob is holding back though; he feels it when the man throws a punch but his muscles tense like he stopped himself from letting go. And that simply won’t fly.
“Come on Bob, you can do better than that.” John says after a vicious hit to Bob’s side that should’ve broken his ribs. The other just grunts and kicks John so hard in the stomach, he almost throws up.
He recovers just in time to block a hit from Bob that makes his bones rattle.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for, John.” His voice is tight, and John can see his jaw working as he grinds his teeth. The itch inside him keeps growing, and Lemar is long gone from his mind.
“Oh, I think I know. And I think you want it too,” John grunts and roundhouse kicks him to the head, causing Bob to stumble. The yellow rings around his eyes make a brief appearance again.
“You don’t know what I want.” Bob snarls. John has a second to think about how Bucky for sure was the one who taught him that before he’s being tackled to the ground. It feels like he was hit by a cement wall.
He was in this situation just a while ago. However, Bob is not as good as Bucky.
Bob’s grip is too loose from the moment he grabs his waist and his head is too high as they’re falling. John has a split second to twist his body and reverse their positions just before they hit the ground. Bob lets out a little punched out noise as John lands on top of him.
He takes a second to straighten up his back and as Bob looks up at him, seemingly dazed for no reason, John starts raining down punches on him. He hits him with punch after punch, faster than a normal person could, and barely notices the red seeping through his hand wraps.
“You don’t want to hit me? I’ve been an asshole to you these past months.” He says, and elbows him right on the head only for his hit to not even leave a scratch. “Don’t you want to get revenge?” John’s dangerously close to screaming as hits him with everything he has, even headbutting him at some point.
He finally notices Bob has stopped blocking, and is instead looking up at him. Unflinching, even as John hits him, and Bob stares at him with yellow eyes.
“I’m right here. Or are you too scared?” He yells in his face, hammer punching him and forgoing all technique, only trying to cause damage. The bruises on Bob’s face from when they first started have since faded away.
John knows he’s out of line before he even speaks, and he knows he might not ever be able to make it up to him. But he needs to sleep.
“Do I need to call your daddy to come make you fight me?” He asks coldly, and everything turns to shit in one second.
Just before he can punch him again, Bob grabs both John’s wrists with one hand and squeezes them so tight, John gasps and tries to instinctively pull away. Bob doesn’t even seem to feel him struggle as he gets up without ever using his hands, floating and bringing John with him.
A flick of his hand and John’s body is leaving a dent in the wall as Bob throws him faster than he can process. He gets to take exactly one laboured breath before Bob is standing in front of him, moving inhumanly fast. John’s grabbed by the neck and thrown against the ceiling and then onto the floor before Bob is on top of him, just like John was before.
He can only raise his arms to try to block the flurry of punches raining down on him. Bob hits him hard and fast; his hands feel like they’re everywhere at once. John can almost feel his ribs crack at the same time as his head snaps to the side from how hard he’s being punched.
The whole ordeal only lasts a couple of minutes, at most. But when Bob gasps and gets up like John is burning, it feels as though he’s been getting beaten for days. John doesn’t try to move or get up, every single muscle in his body hurts. His mind, however, is so quiet.
John wants to thank Bob, but he can’t make his mouth move and the only sounds that leave his mouth when he does try are eerily similar to Lemar’s, so he stops. He feels fingers on his carotid artery, like someone’s checking for his pulse, and then he hears heavy, fast footsteps followed by Bob pressing the elevator button a dozen times.
The next few minutes are fuzzy and his vision is failing him but Alexei–when did he get here?–grabs him and carries him to the elevator. He’s walking fast like he’s in a hurry, and John immediately recognizes the infirmary when they enter. He tries to protest, but all that comes out is a weak groan that Alexei only responds with a weak shh.
John’s set down on a bed and all of the sudden there are so many hands on his body; too many as they check his injuries and monitor them to make sure the serum is doing its job. He’s aware of some of the members of the team coming down to check on him. They squeeze his hand as he lies in bed, unable to go to sleep because the doctors want to make sure it’s okay for him to do so.
Bob is the only one that doesn’t come.
Hours later, with his ribs already healing and the doctors certain that Bob didn’t damage any part of his brain, he’s allowed to go to his room. Alexei helps him get there.
When they pass the kitchen and the living room, no one is there. John wants to ask Alexei about that, but his jaw still hurts and he’s exhausted.
He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and he sleeps like a baby.
This time, the peace lasts three weeks. It’s not Sentry he sees. It’s not Sentry who delivers the final blow. It’s Bob, every single time.
He wrings his neck or plunges his hand into his stomach just as he gently presses his lips against John’s.
John doesn’t know what to make of it.