Chapter Text
Nagisa is four years old when her mother asks to play dress up with her.
Her mom had steeped some sweet tea and brought out the nice cookies for them to use. She stepped into a pink frilly princess dress, the one with purple and white tulle underneath. The fabric doesn’t feel like fabric, having the texture more of plastic than polyester or cotton. The top of the dress is frilly and puffed, the sleeves puffing, forming a spherical shape around his arms. The bodice is almost too tight, and the stitching can be felt on her bare chest. It itches, almost painful. The tulle is scratchy and is more like a net rather than fabric used to poof up a dress.
Her short blue hair has been braided, falling to one shoulder. It doesn’t feel like hair, it’s more like a million bricks resting on her collarbone rather than mid length hair. She stays barefoot, the plastic princess heels are too dangerous for a four-year-old Nagisa. Her mom doesn’t think her daughter is yet old enough to properly balance in half-inch high heels. She doesn’t want to risk her beautiful daughter getting hurt.
She sits at a plastic table, resting on one folded leg over the other. She pours the tea from the plastic pot and pretends to drink. She’s not a fan of tea. She only eats three cookies, any more and she’ll be yelled at. She’s only four but still has already learned to watch what she eats. A thin, short and more feminine body is much better than a taller, more heavier looking one. Nagisa isn’t sure if she would like moving around if there were pounds of extra weight spilling out from the sides.
After an hour, her mother is tired and together they clean up their party before heading to bed. It’s still light out, even though the sun is going down. Nagisa breathes out a sigh of quiet relief, grateful to be done with their impromptu party.
Taking off the dress was freeing. Her chest is no longer itchy even though her legs are marked with little circles from where she sat on the tulle. She pulls on a loose tee-shirt and pair of gray sweatpants. It’s much more comfortable than the dress, much softer and less aggressive. Nothing hurts.
Instead of going to bed, she creeps out to the living room of the apartment and sits on the couch, holding a book. She wants to wait and see her dad when he gets home. He always comes home after dark without fail. He shouldn’t be too long.
The lock shifts and the door opens and in walks a tall man with navy hair. “Daddy! I’ve been waiting for you!” He gets up and exclaims, dropping the book and running up for a hug. He’s lifted up into his arms for the embrace. Her fathers hugs are warm and strong. He holds her as if it’s his last, keeping him close as if he’ll run away.
His father is a kind man.
Kinder than mom.
He tucks him in gently, his fathers hands are half the size he is but he’s treated with the most tender contact. His hands are soft while also being strong is something a four year old Nagisa doesn’t understand. His dad loves him and that’s what matters. He is kissed goodnight on his forehead and the door is left cracked open– just in case.
Nagisa is eight years old when his father leaves.
He wasn’t supposed to hear anything– wasn’t supposed to see anything.
But he did. He did and it hurt.
It stung.
He really didn’t mean to do anything. He didn’t mean to get involved.
But he got in the way. Like always.
He awoke to the sounds of yelling, how could he not be curious? The closer he creeped to his closed door, the more he heard his name. It made him nervous. He’s never heard his name yelled.
He opens his door and the words are clearer. He creeps closer to the front of the apartment, without turning the corner. He doesn’t want to be seen. Not when they’re arguing about him.
“He’s not a girl! He was biologically born a boy! What you’re doing is wrong!” It’s his fathers voice, deep and loud, nothing like Nagisa knows. He’s never heard him yell before, let alone at his mother.
It scares him.
His mother is worse. “I have every right to dress her up as her mother! She enjoys it!” She scares him more. It’s aggressive and stronger than his dad’s voice. It has more bite and raw intent. Hir mother is meaner than an eight year old will ever know.
His dad retaliates, “He enjoys the tea parties and the dresses!? If he wants to be a girl later that’s his choice, not yours. Treat him as the little boy he is.” Nagisa wonders if they’ve ever fought like this and he doesn't remember. He’s never seen his dad like this, actually using his strength against his mother instead of out of love. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s seen them kiss now that he thinks about it.
He’s never been scared of his dad before .
Hiromi yells, loud and overbearing. Determination runs in her blood and it makes her red in the face. “She’s my daughter! My Nagisa! She’s my little girl!” Her hands are balled in fists, he notices. Knuckles pure white, a stark contrast from the cloud he can practically see forming around her.
His dads hands remain unclenched. His voice booms throughout the apartment. Nagisa didn’t know he could be so loud. It rings the walls and makes his eardrums ring. “He is a boy! It’s what he was born as, you shouldn’t defy the fact!”
What is he?
He doesn’t want to be scared of his dad. Not when he’s the most loving person he knows.
His mom lets out a sigh, her voice calm yet again. Her face is still red and the sweat glistens off of her forehead. “Nagisa is my daughter, and if you can’t accept that, then you shouldn’t be here.” She speaks her words icy, sticking to everything the sound touches.
His dad also calmed down. “I can’t take you anymore. You’re a sick person and I can’t believe I ever loved a woman like you.” His voice seethes through the cracks and weaves through Hiromi’s hair, the words finding their way behind the corner, where an unseen Nagisa still stands.
She twitches. Once. Twice. “You little bitch!” She cries. She swings. She hits.
His dad’s cheek reddens as the blood rushes to his face. He speaks once again, voice stern and cold. “Do not touch me!” Is this man really his father?
Hiromi raises her hands to strike again. Nagisa moves like he’s never before.
He’s on the ground. His face stings.
He does not cry.
Somewhere in the wind he called out “Don’t hurt dad!” Nagisa isn’t sure if the words came before or after the blow.
“Oh Nagisa dear, I’m sorry we woke you. My darling daughter.” She does not speak of her actions. “Your father and I were simply just settling a dispute. Go back to bed.”
Hiromi cups her hands around their face. She kisses the spot that’s reddening on his face. Her touch feels like a knife right through their skin, her fingers poking them with needles. It hurts worse than the sting on their cheek.
The silence is interrupted from a voice above the two. “I think it’s time I take my leave.” He backs away from the two of them, grabbing the door handle before being stopped by the small voice below.
“You can’t go! Please don’t leave daddy! Mommy! Please don’t let daddy leave!” He tries to scramble to him, craving the warm embrace from him one more time. His tiny body is stopped from arms that hold him close. The wrong arms that should be holding him.
His dad looks at him one last time before silently closing the door.
And then he was gone.
Nagisa is ten years old when he learns the truth if he’s a boy or a girl.
He’s never been truly sure what he is. The memories are starting to fade but he remembers that his dad treated him like a boy. He knows his mom believes that she is a girl.
Hiromi is out of the house, leaving Nagisa home alone for the first time. Her computer remains unlocked in her office.
He looks up what makes a boy different from a girl. He sees pictures. Hundreds.
He reads and compares.
For the first time in his life, he understands.
He understands that his father is right, more than his mom. More than Hiromi ever will be.
It’s on this random Thursday that Nagisa Shiota realizes that he is a boy.
The next year he begs his mom to switch schools, to enroll him as a boy and to wear the male uniform instead of the females. It takes weeks of convincing, hours of dress up and tea parties. It takes growing his hair out and keeping it long.
She finally complies when he says he’ll only be a girl at home.
Nagisa is eleven when he goes to school as a boy for the first time.
His hair is down, bangs in his face. He hopes to not see anyone he knows. The pants feel less restricting than the skirt he had to previously wear. They’re comfortable and he doesn’t have to worry about anything unwanted to be seen.
He sits in the classroom, head down, paying more attention to his doodle over anything else. Waiting for class to start is boring but it’s easier to calm down just from the fact that he can be seen as a boy in public.
Just as the teacher opens his mouth, the door opens. One with fiery red hair, his shirt partially undone and struts in without a word.
“Akabane. You’re late.” The teacher says, “But I’ll let it slide since it’s the first day.”
“Thanks teach.” He replies, walking over to the singular open desk and plops down.
He’s interesting, Nagisa decides.
It’s a Friday in late January when the Sonic Ninja movie releases. He didn’t hear him walk behind him, only noticing him when a voice came up behind him. “Oh the new Sonic Ninja movie’s out? I didn’t even know! We should go see it! Are you cool to come with me, Shiota?”
They agree to see it on Sunday, at two.
It’s in this small interaction when Nagisa realizes that he has a friend.
Being with Karma was refreshing. He felt seen and heard while being his same old self. It made him feel like more than what he was. It was nice to be seen as a person for once.
Watching Karma beat others as he stood on the side however, did not give him that same feeling. He could hear every sound and watched as each bruise formed on the highschoolers. The bones creaked in their fingers as they were dislocated and broken, their faces going purple, green, blue and red around the eyes, developing shiners that would take weeks to heal.
It was nerve-wracking, watching his friend beat others to a pulp. All he could do was drag the unconscious ones to the side in order to not be run over in the alley. Karma did the dirty work, Nagisa was only the cleaner.
As much as the protection was nice, the pit in his stomach he got every time he witnessed another confrontation. Every punch landed, the more uneasy he felt. Every time someone was knocked out, the body was lifeless, only alive from the rise and fall of a chest felt like a knife in his back. It made him stand up straighter with shoulders broadened instead of hunched. Every slap felt like it stung him too.
Every figure dragged to the side was cleaned up, just the bare minimum. The dirt was wiped on and the cuts were disinfected. There was nothing to do about the pain they’d feel when they awoke. The soreness all throughout the body that made walking home feel like dragging home dead weight.
Karma always made sure they were long gone before any of them woke, leaving them to wake in the dark.
They still hung out together. They played video games together and got lunch together, dragging out their conversations for as long as possible.
So really, Nagisa isn’t sure why Karma started ghosting him.
Nagisa is fourteen when he meets Aguri Yukimura.
He really didn’t mean to land himself in E class, but how could he help it? There’s not much to strive for, not for him at least. He sits in his designated seat and waits for class to begin. Other students trickle in and pays them no mind. His hair weighs heavy on his back, swooped into a low ponytail, leaving his bangs in his face.
The bell rings and in walks a young woman, one with short brown hair, wearing a weird shirt and a pair of loose jeans. Her name is Aguri Yukimura, and she’s their teacher this year.
The class erupts into laughter as many of them start to fool around. Paper airplanes are thrown about and phones are taken out to mess around on. Nagisa sits perfectly still, disregarding the chaos around him.
Nothing gets done that day.
It takes a full week for her to tame the class into listening to her. Somehow, she gets them to sit still and listen. The class soon realizes that she’s serious about teaching.
Eventually, she earned their respect.
It’s three weeks into school when the moon blows up.
School isn’t cancelled the next day, so he goes. For some odd reason, attendance is mandatory for the entire school of Kunugigaoka. Nagisa walks into class to see a girl with green hair sitting in the seat behind him.
She’s Kayano Kaede and she’s just transferred to Kunugigaoka. She asks to do his hair, to pull it up to see what it’d look like. Just to try.
She whips up two matching pigtails and they sit near the top of his head. They really don’t look all that bad, the twin tails. It’s kind of feminine but the hair is off his neck and feels less heavy. He doesn’t look too feminine he supposes. He decides to keep the style in, for today at least.
The bell rings but Aguri Yukimura does not walk in.
Instead, men dressed in suits and sunglasses enter one by one. Between them is a slimy looking creature, bright yellow in color. They didn’t expect him to speak.
“So, I’m the one who blew up the moon! And I plan to do the same to Earth come March.”
The class erupts into laughter and remarks.
“No you didn’t!”
“What kind of joke is this?”
“No way a creature like him blew up the moon!”
The man in a suit speaks. He’s the only one to not be wearing sunglasses. “I can assure you that what he’s saying is true. My name is Tadaomi Karasuma from the Ministry of Defense. What I’m saying is classified information. Let me be clear here, I want you to kill this creature.”
The class finally shuts up at the word kill. Their eyes light up at the promise of ten billion yen if they succeed. They are supplied with nearly every weapon imaginable. Practical ones, that is. Rubber knives and round pink balls serve as ammunition to the guns they’re given. Real guns. Ones that won’t hurt them but are told can do a number on this octopus-looking freakazoid.
The information thrown at them is overwhelming and is a lot to handle. Once the government agents leave, the class is left with just this…creature staring back at them, face striped green with arrogance. The class is too stunned to speak, allowing the…thing to turn his back and start teaching.
He did say he wanted to teach the class, so the lesson shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise.
Somehow, class 3-E settles into a routine.
Every morning, they arrive early, and as he starts taking role is when they fire. All twenty-six of them, all at once. The noise is overbearing, and they have to shout to call their presence. And every morning, the octopus remains unscathed.
Their only hope is that a stray bullet will hit him.
A week after the creature has started teaching, someone in the back pipes up. “There’s no way you dodged all of those!”
Sugino chimes in with agreement, “He’s got a point. I mean these balls are just BB pellets, you could withstand them all if you took the hits.”
“Very well then, gather up the ammo and hand me a loaded gun.” He reaches a tentacle out, taking the gun from a student. “Now see here, these may be harmless to you, however…” He aims at a tentacle, and fires. “But they’re special anti-me BB’s developed by the government.” The stray tentacle flies off and writhes on the floor. Some look away in disgust as it melts and disintegrates into nothing. “They regenerate a few seconds later of course. I’m more concerned about you blinding a classmate's eye.” The class stares at the creature in disbelief, learning that their attempts from the week have been in vain. “Now then, let’s put this away and begin class!”
The class groans with annoyance, but comply, gathering the rest of the ammunition and putting it away.
The lunch bell rings and class is dismissed to eat. The octopus flies off somewhere in China for Mapo Tofu. As the students trickle outside to eat, Nagisa is approached by the tallest, strongest guy in their class. Terasaka, is his name. He’s with Yoshida and Muramatsu.
He confirms the plan, handing him the object along with a knife. Nagisa ties it around his neck glumly, tucking it under his shirt. The knife he sticks in his pocket, just for now. He tries not to think about how he ended up here in this class and all the horrible things he was called. It’s not like they matter anyway. His thoughts are interrupted by a large gust of wind. It’s the octopus, holding a giant missile.
He’s given a nudge to head back to class, and does so without a word. His steps are silent amongst the grass, head hung low, deep in thought once again. He takes his seat and waits, his heart beating out of its chest. It’s all he can feel, all he can hear. Is he really about to do this?
Today's assignment is to write a poem with the ending line being “...was tentacles all along.” It’s a weird poem but it’s definitely an assignment the octopus would give. It really shouldn’t be all that surprising.
Just as he starts to turn his salmon pink color, a question is asked from the voice behind. “Um sir, question.” Kayano says, waving her hand around to get his attention over to her.
His skin turns back to yellow, slightly startled by Kayano’s small outburst. “Ah. Yes, Kayano?”
“Do we have to call you sir? You haven’t given us your name and I think we need one. I mean it’d be kinda awkward if we don’t call you anything right?” She tilts her head, deep in thought. The class hums in agreement, some realizing they’ve been just calling him “Sensei” until now.
The question leaves the teacher stunned for a moment. “Hmm. My…name?” He stares back at the class for a moment, beady eyes deep in thought. He speaks again, “I don’t really have the kind of name you tell people. Go ahead and give me one.” The class silences, what kind of name do you give a being like the one in front of them? “But right now you focus on your schoolwork.” He adds. “Meanwhile, I’ll just take a little break.” He hunches down, leaning on the chalkboard.
He pretends to write on the slip of paper the teacher handed out. Just his name sits on the paper. It won’t matter in a few moments. He discreetly places the green army knife on his notebook, on top of the paper, concealed by the vertical hold of the items. He takes a deep breath, slow and quiet.
It’s time.
“Seems the muse favors Nagisa.”
Silently, he walks to the front, it’s only a few seconds but it feels like an eternity. He’s not going anywhere, moving so slow like he has tar on his soles. He stops short, just a small distance from the yellow organism in front. He tries not to think of how low he’s stooping, just trying to prove a point.
It happened in an instant, grabbing the knife and swinging his arm for attack. He’s stopped by a yellow limb on his wrist, the rounded tip just barely missing the edge of the handle. It’s not super firm but there’s still some squish to it. It’s not slimy but not dry. It’s an odd sensation.
"Didn't I tell you to be more inventive?" He chides, slightly amused, as he reaches another tentacle to take the knife with a handkerchief.
By any means necessary.
Without another thought, Nagisa springs forward, the grenade revealing itself from under his shirt. He wraps his arms around the creature where a neck would be if he was human. He displays a smile on his face, one that shows some relief and tranquility.
This is it.
Isn’t it?
Behind him, a button is pressed.
Thousands of tiny bullets spread throughout the classroom. Students cry out as they duck and protect their heads with their hands. The noise is loud, mixed with screams and the rapid fire or BBs. It’s only a moment but it feels like an eternity.
He expected it to hurt a lot more. Did anything even hit him? This…blanket…on top of him is heavy. Or it feels that way. It’s nice.
“Yeah!”
“We did it!”
“Nagisa!” Someone cries, voice far in the distance, familiar but not enough to pin down on who.
“We’re gonna be billionaires!”
“Sayonara!”
“You jerks!” Isogai yells, annoyance and fear on his face.
“What the hell have you done!?” Maehara adds, upset and standing, ready for anything.
Kayano cries, “You jerks! What the hell have you done!?”
“Ten billion yen!” Terasaka runs to the front of the class, his gang following behind. “Never saw a suicide bomber comin’ did’ya?”.”
“Terasaka! WHat’d you make Nagisa do!?” Kayano yells, panic searing through her. She stands, slamming her hands on the desk for more emphasis.
“Wha? I’m sorry, do you have a better idea?”Terasama smirks, “I gave him a modified toy grenade filled with those stupid BBs. And a spoonful or two of gunpowder so they’d scatter at a high enough speed.” He grins, bending over to finally check on Nagisa. “Don’t worry it wasn’t enough to kill anybody. I’ll pitch in on his medical bills. Huh?” He stops short of his words, looking at a semi-conscious Nagisa, covered in a clear membrane. His body is completely unharmed, not a single mark in sight. Nowhere that would bruise even. “Whoa, he doesn’t even have a mark on him. And what the hell is this membrane covering his body-?” He feels the thin layer between his fingers, the texture weirding him out.
A voice echoes out of nowhere, cold and dark. “It’s not a body, it’s a husk. I shed my skin once a month.” The ground stirs as Nagisa awakes and breaks free from the membrane. “I wrapped it around your classmate to protect him from the blast.” The class pales as the creature’s darkens. Pitch black is scary. “I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you didn’t see this coming. Terasaka. Yoshida. Muramatsu. His face contorts away from the usual smile and yellow he normally is. “This was your doing. Wasn’t it?”
The guys flinch back, paralyzed in fear. “It was all Nagisa! Terasaka yells out, trying to get out of punishment. Within moments, the octopus is in and out of the room, dropping three nameplates on the ground. “The nameplates off my house!?”
“My contract with the government prohibits me from harming you. But there’s a catch. If you pull another irresponsible stunt like that again, there’s nothing that says I can't harm someone else! Family friends. Everyone in the world except you if I feel like it.” He sneers, icy words dripping from his smile.
Suddenly it’s clear how hard this is going to be. We can’t run, we can’t hide. Slipping through the cracks isn’t an option. We have to kill him.
Go on! Threaten us! I ain’t afraid of no squid! Where do you get all blowin’ up the moon!? We got rights too y’know? Call us irresponsible, we’re just defending ourselves! Terasaka yells, desperately trying to say anything to get him out of trouble. He stands in front of two other trembling guys, acting tough, even though he himself is shaking all over. “What’s wrong with using an annoying method to kill an annoying guy!?”
Something in those words makes his color turn back. “Of course I know that! Annoying? Hardly. You’re not irresponsible for trying to kill me. Your idea itself was very good. No, no, no, as a matter of fact, Nagisa here gets full marks for technique.” A tentacle finds its way to Nagisa, patting him in the head for a job well done. “His composure was simply outstanding! However, none of you even cared if he was injured. Not even Nagisa himself it seems. Students with that attitude aren’t fit to assassinate anyone!” He exclaims, his face turning purple, displaying a darker ‘X’ on it.
He turns to the class, “You must believe yourself worthy of your target, that means taking pride in what you do. In yourselves and each other! All of you are more than the sum of your parts.”
Nagisa pats his own head, right where a tentacle was mere moments ago. To go from threatened to reassured and uplifted all in the matter of minutes was weird. It’s so different to be seen instead of just known.
He finally gets up to sit down, more confident than he was before the attempt,
There weren’t any more assassination attempts that day. The shock of the grenade had stunned the class for the rest of the day. Maybe it was the sudden understanding of how hard it’s going to be to kill this guy. Or maybe it’s the thought that they nearly lost one of their own. No matter the thought, it worked and they were stunned into silence.
“How do you say unkillable in Japanese?” Kayano asks, thinking out loud. “Koro-sen-ai? Ah! Koro-sen-sei!” She exclaims, face lighting up as she figures it out.
“Koro-Sensei?” Nagisa repeats, testing out the name.
That feels right.
Those beady eyes and the weird smile.
It was bizarre today, more than before. They’ve only had Koro-Sensei for a week at best and something’s already changed. The class is…different. A good difference, he thinks. They’re more attentive and engaged. Not only in the general studies but in the classes they don’t have on the main campus. Home Ec, for example.
His sides hurt, they’re probably bruised. Koro-Sensei’s shed had protected him from the explosion and the gunpowder, but it hadn’t prevented the fall he took and it hadn’t prevented him from hitting the ground. He’ll be bruised tomorrow but the purple-green marks will heal in due time.
It’s not like there’s much meat on him to shield his body anyways.
The air is warm when he descends the mountain, trekking back home. Usually he’s a lot colder. He pulls his hair out of the twin pigtails, leaving his hair free, letting it fall to his shoulders. He takes his time walking home, taking the time to look around as he walks, trying to absorb everything that’s happened throughout the day.
He doesn’t want to go home.
The feeling he got today, being praised and being seen instead of just acknowledged is foreign.
It feels nice.
Sure, the tentacles were weird but the sensation of them just being there was nice. Taking the appendage away from his head made him feel hollow again. It was reassuring, and the sensation was much different than what he’s felt in a long time.
He trudges up the stairs, unlocking the door and entering the empty apartment. He makes a beeline to his room, not bothering to grab an after-school snack. He walks to his room, barricading himself inside just to avoid his mother for as long as possible. He hopes work will run late and she’ll end up working longer hours than intended.
He turns on the music and pulls out the homework of the day.
He lets himself focus.
He doesn’t hear his mother come in until he smells the food being cooked.
It makes him physically recoil.
He eats half a plate of food before deciding he’s full. His mother is far too tired to play today, the day at work being exhausting. Nagisa enjoys the night of peace for once, allowing himself to relax, just a little.
He gets a good night’s sleep for the first time in a while.