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Chapter Text

It was an unfortunate fact that success came with paperwork.

Maya wasn’t sure quite how she felt about her current success. She’d spent ten years as a Battalion Chief, overlooked for promotion again and again in favour of white male privilege.

They’d finally made her Assistant Chief after rigorous interviews.

And then Chief Grady had bribed the wrong politician and SFD found itself embroiled in scandal. It wasn’t exactly how Maya wanted to move forward in her career, but she was starting to accept that when it came to her SFD hopes and dreams? Nothing was ever going to be clean-cut.

Six months after Grady messed up and took most of his senior officers with him, Maya found herself promoted one more time. Temporarily, they said.

SFD needed her. They needed her gender and her celebrity and, much to her chagrin, they needed her sexuality.

Maya Bishop, Olympic gold medalist, the Hero of the Holland, recipient of the Congressional Medal of Valor, woman, firefighter, bisexual wife and mother.

Not, Maya Bishop who’d put in her time, who’d worked herself to the bone, who’d more than earned her rank. Never that truth.

So Maya’s life was now sitting in her office at SFD headquarters, trying to do the job of both the Assistant Chief and the Deputy Firechief while SFD searched for Grady’s replacement. Everything was paperwork. She spent most of her days squinting at budget spreadsheets while on the phone with lawyers, trying to save SFD’s reputation from total ruin.

Maya felt like she’d barely seen her family in months. There was just no way to balance her work anymore – she could see herself failing her kids. She could see herself failing Carina. And she didn’t know how to stop it.

Eyes forward...

The old mantra haunted her. As she leaned back in her chair, Maya pinched the bridge of her nose, her mind a jumble of work stress and missing her kids and worrying a little about her marriage.

Carina was busy too. She’d recently testified in front of the United States Congress, arguing that clearing the country’s rape kit backlog should be a federal project, not a state-by-state decision. It seemed like every two weeks, Carina was off to the airport, flying all over the world to meet with politicians and doctors and do this incredible thing that made Maya so proud.

And so frustrated.

She took a deep breath, brushing her hand over her crumpled tie, forcing herself to concentrate. It was nearly six, which meant it was almost time for her to go home. Jamie had skipped swim practice due to a lingering chest cold and Hayden would be getting home from his art class soon. Carina had texted earlier in the day to say that her flight was on time and she was scheduled to land around 8PM. There was every chance that for the first time in days, Maya would get to fall asleep next to her wife.

The thought brought her unexpected comfort.

Eyes forward could only get her so far. A night cuddled up with Carina would be healing.

When her phone vibrated seconds later, Maya smiled to see the name on the screen.

Bam: Mom, are you going to be home soon?

Maya’s smile faded.

Mom: Just leaving now. Everything ok?

Bam: Jamie is really sick and I don’t know what to do.

Maya rose from her desk, blindly reaching for her jacket as she continued to text with one hand.

Mom: What do you mean really sick? Is she throwing up?

Bam: No. She’s coughing a lot. She says she’s ok.

Of course she does. Jamie could be so selfless, she likely didn’t want to worry her little brother and was trying to downplay her illness.

Mom: I’ll be home in fifteen minutes. <3

Bam: kk

Maya shoved her phone into her back pocket and started gathering a few documents she’d need. The feelings of failure returned – knowing that her kids were at home while she had spent an extra hour working. She grabbed her bag and was about to leave the office when her phone vibrated again. Maya assumed it was Hayden, so she paused, wanting to read his latest text.

But it wasn’t Hayden. And it wasn’t a text.

“Mom?” Maya said, picking up the call. She expected her mother to ask about Jamie’s cold or check about Carina’s travel schedule.

“Maya,” Katherine’s voice was strange. She sounded breathless, as if she was trying not to be overheard.

“Mom? What’s...”

“Sweetheart, you need to come to my house right now. Mason is back.”

Chapter Text

The only thing keeping Carina from falling asleep in the back of an Uber was a cup of double espresso she cradled in her hands. She was bleary eyed and discombobulated from hours on a plane, but she was also greatly looking forward to finally getting home.

While she enjoyed her career, she desperately missed her own bed. And her wife. She really missed her wife. Most of all, she missed her children and the thought of them waiting for her was enough to give her a much-needed jolt of adrenaline.

Maya had been so stressed since her double promotion. It was understandable and Carina would never get used to how dramatic SFD could be, she just wished her wife wasn’t always caught in the fallout. She knew that Maya supported her career without question, but she could also tell that Maya was growing frustrated with the uptick in travelling. It was a frustration born of missing each other.

Though her sometimes short temper had Carina at her wit’s end.

Tonight, however, she just wanted to focus on the good. She would soon be with her bambini and she would soon be with Maya. Even if all they did was share a bed, it was more than enough for Carina.

She peered out the window, watching the world go by as they drove through her familiar suburb, a marked change from the skyscrapers of New York she’d seen earlier that day. The drive was so lulling that she almost didn’t answer her phone when it vibrated in her purse, sleepily distracted by the streetlights.

Passerotto: Mama, are you almost home?

Carina grinned, missing her son.

Mama: Ten minutes, Tesoro. I miss you!

Her FaceTime app sounded seconds later and now Carina frowned, sensing something was off because why would Hayden call instead of text? She clicked the screen, revealing a frazzled Hayden, his curls askew.

“Is everything okay, amore mio?” Carina asked, leaning forward in her seat.

He scratched his head, his eyes darting to the right. “Jamie really isn’t feeling good, Mama. I don’t know what to do.”

“Where’s Mom?”

“She texted a few hours ago to say that Gran needed her and it was an emergency. But I’m worried.”

Carina tried to absorb all of that information. Jamie was sick. Katherine had an emergency. Maya wasn’t home and hadn’t sent Carina a text filling her in.

“Where’s your sister now?” Carina hated to see Hayden so clearly afraid. She shoved down her annoyance towards Maya because if there was an emergency, Maya obviously had to go to her mother, except that meant the kids were alone and they needed her.

They so obviously needed her!

Hayden carried the phone upstairs, quickly making his way to Jamie’s room.

“I’m fine,” Jamie insisted before her brother even had a chance to raise his phone. She was curled up in bed and visibly shaking.

“Cucciola! Is it your chest? Can you breathe?” Carina tried to keep her own voice calm, not wanting to worry either of the kids further.

Jamie shook her head, sniffling. “It’s just a cold. I don’t know why Hayden is so...”

“You could barely get up the stairs, Jamie!” Hayden insisted, offscreen but very much a presence. “And you feel really warm.”

A hand darted out, landing on Jamie’s forehead.

“Bambino, go get the thermometer from the bathroom,” Carina instructed. “I will be home in five minutes, okay? Take your sister’s temperature and if it’s over 100, give her two Tylenol. Make sure she drinks the whole glass of water.”

The rest of the drive was agonizing. Carina could tell that Jamie likely only had a bad cold, but she couldn’t help the worry. She was going on little sleep and little food and the espresso was making her hands shake.

Carina: Is your mom okay?

The message sent. It was not read.

Hayden met her at the door, fidgety and stressed. It was so opposite his usual demeanor that Carina immediately pulled him into a hug, hoping it would help him calm.

“She almost fainted, Mama,” he said, clinging to the back of her coat. “I gave her the Tylenol but what if something is really wrong? What if it’s her asthma?”

Carina leaned back, taking Hayden’s face in her hands. “Let’s go check together, Tesoro.”

“Mom was supposed to be home and I didn’t know what to do. I made Jamie some soup like you always do when we’re sick, but maybe I should’ve given her something different? I tried putting a cold towel on her forehead, but she said she didn’t want it.”

Hayden was usually quick with a joke, especially when it came to his big sister. But the second he sensed that something was wrong – either with Jamie’s health or if she’d had a bad day – a flip switched and he was the kindest, most caring little brother anyone could ever ask for.

Carina sometimes thought back on her own relationship with Andrea, on the way her parents had put her in a position to be his third parent instead of his sister. It meant that she was always the caretaker and Andrea was not. He’d left Italy when he was so young, so Carina wasn’t mad at him or disappointed, she was just relieved that her own children didn’t share the same dynamic. They took care of each other equally. Jamie was not Hayden’s third mother and Hayden was not Jamie’s child.

As they climbed the stairs and walked into Jamie’s room, Carina breathed a sigh of relief because Jamie was awake and smiling. She looked sick – clearly congested and uncomfortable, but there was no sign of delirium or nausea.

“Ciao Mama,” Jamie said, her voice muffled by the pillow.

Carina crouched down, pressing the back of her hand to Jamie’s cheek. “Amore mio, I do not like this.”

“I know,” Jamie yawned. “But I’m really okay. I can tell it’s just a cold. Everyone on the team has had it at least once this year. I guess it’s just my turn.”

Hayden stood behind Carina, ringing his hands. “Sorella, I think you should try the cold cloth again. Your fever is really bad.”

“But I’m so cold,” Jamie pouted, burrowing further into her blankets.

Carina was still wearing her jacket and heels, so the room felt uncomfortably hot. Jamie was shivering as if her bed was made of ice.

“Passerotto, can you bring me another cold towel?” Carina asked, shrugging out of her coat. She left it on the floor behind her, followed by her shoes.

Once Hayden was gone, Carina rose on her knees, her hand gentle on Jamie’s arm.

“Tesoro, I know you’re cold,” Carina said, “but we need to get your fever down. Can you sit up?”

Jamie groaned, trying to pull the blanket over her head. “I want to sleep, Mama. I’ll be better in the morning if I just sleep.”

There was a possibility that Jamie was right, but Carina wasn’t willing to take any chances with Jamie’s health. She carefully pulled back the quilt, finding Jamie dressed in a full sweatsuit.

“You can sleep soon,” Carina promised, “but let’s find cooler pyjamas.”

Hayden returned with a towel, watching with worried eyes as Carina helped Jamie sit on the edge of her bed.

“Her fever was 101,” he said, handing Carina the cloth. “And she had Tylenol fifteen minutes ago. Should we take her temperature again?”

Carina had to bite her lip to keep from smiling because Hayden sounded like one of her nurses.

“Thank you, Angioletto,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Let me help your sister change her pyjamas and then we will let her sleep.”

Hayden frowned, hovering nervously, his eyes never leaving Jamie’s flushed face.

“I’m okay, fratellino,” Jamie said, her lips lifting. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

Hayden nodded once, taking a step towards the door. “Goodnight, Sorella.”

He closed the door behind him, giving Carina and Jamie some privacy.

“Okay, arms up,” Carina said, standing in front of Jamie who pouted but dutifully raised both arms. Her teeth chattered as Carina pulled the heavy sweatshirt over Jamie’s head, leaving her in just a sports bra.

“Remember when I was little and Mom would sleep in my bed whenever I had a fever?” Jamie asked, a little out of breath as she lay back down and kicked off her pants. The sight of her Calvin Klein boy shorts made Carina smirk. Between her wife and her daughter, the DeLuca-Bishop household was a walking billboard for the brand.

Carina yanked the material down Jamie’s legs and then brought the thin bedsheet to her hips, covering her. Once she was satisfied that Jamie was comfortable, Carina sat on the floor again, retrieving the cold cloth.

She tried to keep her face neutral as she started wiping down Jamie’s face and her chest. Maya’s absence was glaring and Carina was irrationally upset that her wife wasn’t home.

“I do,” Carina said, folding the cloth and leaving it on Jamie’s forehead. “I’m sure she’d insist on sleeping on the floor if she was here right now.”

“I wouldn’t let her,” Jamie mumbled, her eyelids heavy. “She’s been so stressed lately.”

Carina placed the thermometer in her ear, quiet as she waited for the results. Jamie was almost asleep again, so Carina stroked her hair, relieved to see that her temperature was definitely going down. She waited for a moment, listening to the reassuring sound of Jamie breathing, and then reached for the lamp, pausing again because despite her red nose and puffy eyes, Jamie was so beautiful and Carina had missed her.

“Call if you need me, amore mio,” Carina whispered, clicking off the lamp and leaving one final kiss on Jamie’s forehead.

Hayden was downstairs, seated at the kitchen table, busy pouting at his phone. He huffed, only looking up when he heard Carina walk in.

“Mom isn’t answering,” he said, sulking in his chair.

Carina didn’t like that one bit, but chose not to say something harsh about her wife because if something was wrong with Katherine, Maya needed to be with her mother. Regardless of how much Carina missed her and was feeling slightly estranged.

“Do you think Gran is okay? I just want to know,” Hayden grumbled, folding his arms. “Like what if Mom isn’t answering because they had to go to the hospital? I don’t get why she can’t just text me back...”

Carina retrieved a container of strawberry gelato from the freezer and grabbed two spoons before sitting next to her son. He was obviously still frazzled, his dark curls more unruly than usual.

“If something was really wrong, Mom would call,” Carina assured, rubbing Hayden’s back.

He was still pouting, but accepted a spoon, his eyes drifting to the pink dessert.

“Mom is still coming to my art show, right?” He asked, hopeful.

Carina nodded, ignoring the pang his question caused. Both kids knew that Maya’s promotion had come with complications. Jamie was more patient with Maya’s absences and Carina loved how her daughter would find little ways to calm Maya’s stress. On nights when Maya used Carina’s home-office to do paperwork, Jamie would often bring her homework and sit on the couch, a silent companion while Maya tried to figure out spreadsheets and budget documents. Jamie had a stillness about her, a quiet that had always helped Maya stay grounded.

Hayden had been less patient than his sister.

He missed Maya and while he understood why she wasn’t home, his quick temper sometimes meant that he was less than thrilled when she skipped dinner or couldn’t pick him up for art class. He was thirteen and his body was full of hormones doing crazy things and underneath it all, he just wanted to see his Mom.

It didn’t help that Carina was travelling so much either.

“I’m sorry, Passerotto,” Carina said, taking his hand. “I know things have been so busy lately. Thank you for taking care of your sister tonight.”

Hayden clenched his jaw, clearly holding back what he wanted to say. Instead, he quietly ate his gelato while Carina stroked his hair, relieved to be home after days away.

“I was kind of scared,” Hayden finally confessed, looking at Carina with frightened eyes. “I didn’t know what to do and Mom wasn’t texting me back. Jamie almost fainted, Mama...I had to catch her and everything.”

Carina swallowed hard, guilt making it difficult to speak. “You did everything right, amore mio. Everything. Jamie was probably a little dehydrated and sometimes that can make people lightheaded. Her fever is going down thanks to you and her cough sounds better.”

“But she keeps getting sick!”

He was right. It seemed like every few weeks, Jamie developed another chest cold or flu. According to her doctor, her immune system was slightly weakened due to her asthma. Between her swim team that was always passing colds to each other and Jamie’s busy schedule, she likely just needed a few days in bed to rest up – though Jamie was every bit her mother’s daughter and would likely refuse to miss anymore school if her fever was gone.

“I know it’s because of her asthma,” Hayden continued. “But...what if Gran is sick too?”

“Bambino, I promise, if Mom thought Gran needed the hospital, she would call us right away,” Carina said. “And we’re taking good care of Jamie, va bene? She just saw her doctor last week and she wasn’t worried.”

Hayden didn’t look entirely convinced, but he’d at least stopped scowling. With a heavy sigh, he set down his spoon and then turned, offering Carina a shy smile.

“Welcome home, Mama,” he said. “Did you bring me anything from New York?”

There he was. There was that cheeky grin, those sparkling eyes. There was her Passerotto.

Carina smiled back, leaning closer to plant a kiss on Hayden’s forehead. They spent the rest of the evening sharing gelati while Carina told Hayden about the elaborate dinner she’d had the night before and Hayden told her about his latest drawing. Despite her lingering worry for Maya, Carina was also lulled by the comfort of home.

Jamie was safely sleeping upstairs and Hayden was no longer upset. When it was time for Hayden to go to bed, Carina joined him, the jetlag finally too much for her espresso diet. She checked on Jamie one last time, pleased to find her so peaceful, and then with one final goodnight to her bambino, Carina gratefully walked into her own bedroom.

It was obvious that Maya had left in a hurry that morning. The bed was unmade and there was a basket of unfolded laundry in the corner. Carina brushed her teeth and stripped off her clothes, picking one of Maya’s old Station 77 shirts for her PJs. She stared at herself in the mirror, the t-shirt barely reaching her thighs, and wondered if she should put on shorts. If Maya crawled into bed and found her naked from the waist down, would she find the whole thing presumptuous?

Carina hated to admit it, but she couldn’t remember the last time they’d had sex. Between her travelling and Maya’s job, they were lucky to spend the night in the same bed, let alone actually touching each other. She just kept telling herself that at some point, SFD would find a replacement for Grady and Maya wouldn’t be doing two jobs at the same time. Their sex life would return. Their intimacy would return with it. They were just going through a bit of a rough patch.

So what message would no shorts send?

She decided she was overthinking it. Rough patch or no, she and Maya loved each other. Their marriage had a solid foundation and they would get through this. If she couldn’t sleep half-naked next to her wife, they were as good as done.

And Carina knew without a doubt that they would never be done. Ever.

She climbed into bed, moaning to finally be in her bed, and then picked up Maya’s pillow. While she had every intention of staying awake, the scent of Maya’s shampoo and the soft sheets worked their magic.

Carina didn’t hear Maya come in. She didn’t hear her shut the door. She only blinked awake when the mattress dipped. Maya was sitting with her back to Carina, her head tipped down.

“Hey,” she whispered, turning her face. She looked exhausted, purple rings beneath her eyes.

“Ciao Bella,” Carina said. “Is your mom okay?”

Maya breathed in, shaky, her voice barely a rasp as she spoke.

“Mason is back.”

Carina opened her mouth, but promptly closed it, unsure what to say. She had a million questions, but there was something about the way Maya was looking down at the floor, something about the slouch of her shoulders...

Without a word, Maya crawled up the bed, lying down heavily against Carina’s side. She lay her head on Carina’s chest, her arms circling Carina’s body, and Carina decided to stay quiet, choosing instead to tangle her fingers in Maya’s hair.

“Va bene,” Carina whispered, her lips against Maya’s forehead. “Va bene, cuore mio.”

Maya sighed, her silence deafening.

~*~

Earlier that same evening…

The drive from SFD headquarters to Katherine’s house was twenty-five minutes long. Traffic wasn’t terrible, but Maya cursed each red light because it gave her time to pause and think. And thinking was proving to be dangerous.

In some ways, she’d dreamed of Mason returning for years.

She’d imagined just this – walking into Katherine’s house to see her long-lost little brother, healthy and happy. He’d embrace her and they would rebuild all that was broken.

Which was a total joke.

Even if Mason was clean, he undoubtably still hated her and Maya knew she deserved it. He would take one look at her success, her beautiful family, and ask why she was the lucky one?

Why not him?

There was every chance he was still on drugs. Katherine hadn’t said much on the phone, but her tone was brisk. If he was on drugs and looking for money, Maya’s elderly mother was currently in a potentially dangerous situation.

So was she. Katherine house was covered in pictures of Carina and the kids, which meant that her maybe-on-drugs brother could track her down.

In her younger years, Maya wouldn’t have hesitated to invite him into her home. She’d done just that the last time she saw him. That’s what she did – she opened her door to her friends, to the people she loved. She’d asked Andy to live with her without even thinking of mentioning it to Carina.

But times had changed.

Maya had everything to protect.

Katherine’s house looked the same as it always did, nothing amiss. The porch light was on and Maya was relieved that she and Hayden had changed out the bulb just last week. As Maya parked and got out of the car, she checked her phone, cringing when she saw all the missed message from her son. The final one said Mama’s home, so Maya shoved the phone back in her pocket, hoping she’d be able to make it up to Hayden later.

Maya walked up the short path to the front door, belatedly realizing that she was still wearing her tie. The night was warm and sweat prickled across her forehead as she pulled at the knot, reminding herself to breathe. She knocked, uncomfortably aware that it had been a very long time since she’d felt so much anxiety before entering her mother’s home. It was as if Lane was hiding on the other side of the door. Maya looked over her shoulder, just to be sure, a subconscious habit from childhood.

There was a soft rustle and then Katherine was there, her smile strained and unreadable, though she seemed relieved to see Maya.

“I’m sorry it’s so late,” she said, always hating to be a bother though she never was. “I...I just...”

Maya squeezed Katherine’s arm and stepped inside the house. “It’s fine, Mom. Is he here?”

Katherine nodded, taking Maya’s hand. She was nervous in a way that had Maya concerned.

The last time she’d seen Mason, they’d both been in their 20s. She remembered him young – scruffy from living rough, but still similar enough to the teenager she once knew that his appearance wasn’t startling. As painful as it was to see him on the street, all she’d wanted was her little brother back. Which is how she thought of him. Her little brother.

The man standing in Katherine’s living room was not little.

It had been nearly twenty years since they last stood in the same place.

And Maya’s breath caught in her throat because somehow, the years had morphed Mason into Lane. He was clean cut and clean shaven, his hair grey at the temples. Her own hair had lightened with age, not yet Katherine’s grey, but not the dirty blonde it once was. Sometimes she dyed it when she felt like a change, but mostly, she didn’t mind the new tone.

She wondered if Mason was looking at her with similar surprise.

“Hi,” she said, taking in his clean white dress shirt and blue jeans.

Mason was holding a picture frame in one hand, his eyes piercing as they studied her. “Hello, Maya.”

“When did you get back?”

Mason’s smiled, his lips lifting in the corners. “No welcome home?”

“We haven’t heard a word from you in twenty years, Mason. I guess I’m just a little concerned.”

She didn’t want to say that she was concerned about Katherine’s safety. That she didn’t trust this stranger with Mason’s eyes holding a picture of her family.

“You’ve done well for yourself,” he said, ignoring her. “I’m not sure what all the badges mean, but I assume you’re someone important?”

Despite her loose tie, the Deputy Chief pins were still affixed to her collar.

“Maya is the Deputy Firechief for all of Seattle!” Katherine said, still clutching Maya’s hand, her pride so obvious. She lingered behind Maya though, just as she used to linger behind walls and doors.

Mason clenched his jaw, but the smile remained. “Can’t say I’m surprised. You were always ambitious, Maya.”

“What about you?” Maya asked. “Do you live in Seattle? And...do you work?”

She winced, knowing it sounded judgemental. But, again, for as much as she wanted to pull Mason into a hug and celebrate the return of her little brother, she wasn’t sure if the man speaking to her could be trusted.

“I moved to Montana about ten years ago,” Mason explained. “And I work out there. I co-run a charity for troubled youth through my church.”

Church? Montana? Charity?

“Oh,” Maya said. “That’s...that’s great, Mason.”

He nodded. “It is. They saved my life. Helped me kick the drugs once and for all. I probably wouldn’t be alive without them.”

They

Them

Before Maya could ask for more details, Katherine released her hand and crossed the room.

“That’s so wonderful, Mason!” She said, wrapping her arms around him, beaming.

He hugged her back with one arm, still holding the picture frame.

“Is this your family?” He asked, holding up the image for Maya to see. It was from their trip to Disney World two years before. Hayden and Jamie were wearing mouse-ear hats, each holding a lightsaber and grinning so widely that their eyes were barely visible. Maya stood next to Carina, laughing, her arm around Carina’s waist.

She froze, wishing she could lower her defenses and be happy for this reunion, but she couldn’t. Not when she found herself staring at her wife and her children.

Not when Mason held her entire world in his hand.

“Those are my grandbabies,” Katherine said, missing Maya’s wince. “That’s my Jamie and that’s my Hayden. Aren’t they beautiful?”

Mason was smiling but it didn’t reach his eyes. “They are. And the woman?”

“My wife,” Maya said, raising her chin.

Mason nodded to himself. “Wife. Interesting.”

“Is it?” Maya wasn’t sure what to make of her brother’s stillness. She couldn’t read him. He used to be so expressive as a child and now he was a mask. It had her on edge.

Mason placed the frame back on the mantel and inhaled. “It seems we have a lot to catch up on, Sis.”

“Are you staying here with Mom?” Maya didn’t like the idea, but she couldn’t offer her guest room.

Katherine was clinging to Mason’s shirt sleeve, nodding profusely. “Of course you are, Sweetheart. And you’ll come for dinner tomorrow, Maya? With Carina and the kids?”

“I’ll need to talk to Carina about it,” Maya said.

Apparently, Mason found that funny. “You married with kids? I have to say, Maya, I’m surprised.”

“Oh?” Maya took one step closer, spinning her wedding ring as the conversation became increasingly uncomfortable.

“You just never seemed the type,” Mason explained. “Is this one yours?”

He pointed to Jamie, tapping on the glass.

“They are both mine,” Maya said, trying not to growl.

“No, I mean, did you do the whole pregnancy thing? The boy is obviously your...wife’s.”

“Jamie is adopted,” Katherine explained, still not picking up on any awkwardness. “It’s an incredible story – Maya and Carina rescued her from a burning building! And Jamie was only three pounds when she was born, you should’ve seen her tiny little legs. I have pictures somewhere if you...”

“You adopted her together?” Mason asked, his face still serene in a way that had Maya totally incapable of figuring out why he was asking such invasive questions. He looked friendly, interested. But he was also guarded, the tone of his voice unsettling.

“I don’t see why the details matter,” Maya said. “My children are both my children.”

Mason raised his free hand, taking a step back. “Didn’t mean to offend. I’m just curious about my sister’s new family. Looks like I have a niece and a nephew.”

“And a sister-in-law,” Katherine added.

Mason swallowed, his eyes narrowed. “Sure. That too.”

The air prickled with a familiar tension. Any minute, Lane could walk in and start barking orders. Only Katherine seemed impervious, smiling to herself as she looked from Mason to Maya.

“Make yourself comfortable, Mason,” she said, patting his shoulder. “I’m just going to check if I have clean towels for you.”

He softened, a trace of his old kindness shining through. “It’s okay, Mom. I can check.”

“Nonsense!” Katherine laughed, already moving towards the hallway. “You talk with your sister. I’ll be right back.”

They both watched her leave, the slight limp in her step unmistakable.

“She’ll likely need a knee replacement in the near future,” Maya explained, shoving her hands in her pockets. Her intention wasn’t to guilt her brother, but he’d been gone for so long. Things had changed.

Mason furrowed his brow, his smile gone. “I didn’t expect her to look so...”

“Old? She’s pretty active for her age. My kids keep her busy.”

“That’s goo...”

“Are you really clean?”

With Katherine out of earshot, Maya dropped the niceties. There would be plenty of time for small talk later. She wasn’t going to leave Katherine’s side if she felt that Mason was a threat.

“Wow,” he said, clearly offended. “You haven’t changed at all, have you?”

“I don’t mean to question you, but if you’re here to steal her TV or take her money, I need to know. She’s worked so hard to get where she is – I just don’t want to see her hurt.”

“You think I’d hurt her?”

“I don’t know,” Maya said. “I don’t know you.”

“I don’t know you either. What does Lane think about all this?” He pointed to the photograph of her family again, circling his finger.

Maya bristled, trying to hold in sharp words. “I haven’t spoken to Lane in years. We have a restraining order against him.”

“Really?”

Mason looked genuinely shocked, his eyebrows near his hairline.

“Really,” Maya said. “He was abusive when we were kids and he’s still abusive. I don’t want him near my children or my wife or Mom.”

“You two used to be best friends. It’s hard to imagine him not right by your side.”

“I was a kid and I didn’t know any better. I should have protected you, Mason. Maybe I should have seen how abusive Lane was and tried to do something to help, but...I...we were so young.”

“You almost believe that, don’t you?”

Maya took a step back, her heart racing. She couldn’t keep up with Mason’s shifting moods. One minute he seemed friendly and interested in her life. The next he was accusatory, cold.

“Sorry,” he said, clearing his throat. “That wasn’t fair of me. It’s like you said, a lot has changed. I’m not the same person I was, I can’t expect you to be the same person either.”

They could both hear Katherine rummaging in the back and the sound of her happiness was enough to still Maya’s tongue. She didn’t want to rain on Katherine’s parade. She didn’t want to make a scene. What she really wanted was to go home.

Because this was too much. Her job was exhausting. Jamie was sick. Hayden had needed her and she’d totally failed him. She hadn’t slept next to her wife in days. And now her long-lost brother was back claiming to be a church-going youth counsellor.

Maya clenched her fist, her thumb hard against her wedding ring.

“Will you come to dinner tomorrow?” Mason asked, his face still so strange to her. “I’d really like to meet your family, Maya.”

Maya’s gut was telling her to scream no. So, Maya decided that before she could answer, she needed to consult her conscience.

“I’ll talk to my wife about it,” she said. “But...it’s good to see you, Mason.”

He studied her and she studied him, trying to find any trace of that frightened little boy who wanted to paint pictures and play pirates in the back yard.

She wondered if he was searching her too. For the cold, heartless sister who left him at the mercy of a monster.

Chapter Text

Carina awoke to her favourite pair of blue eyes staring at her.

She arched her back, the cobwebs quickly clearing as she realized that for the first time in much too long, she was in bed with her wife.

They hadn’t spoken much the night before. Maya was obviously emotional and exhausted, so Carina shelved any conversations and chose sleep instead. Now, her mind was full of questions – questions that she hoped Maya would answer.

“Hey,” Maya whispered, stroking Carina’s cheek.

Carina hummed, snagging Maya’s hand. “Ciao, Bella.”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

Maya snuggled closer, their linked hands between them. “How was New York?”

“Good. Next time you should come with me. I want to show you off.”

“Arm candy for your doctor friends?”

Carina kissed Maya’s knuckles, her smile soft. “My big, strong firefighter.”

A shadow passed over Maya’s face, a shadow full of doubt and guilt. She leaned closer, stroking Carina’s cheek again, her eyes on Carina’s lips. The first kiss was tentative, as if Maya wasn’t sure if Carina even wanted to kiss. Except Carina always wanted to kiss Maya Bishop, so she nodded, draping one arm over Maya’s side, holding her close.

“Do you want to?” Maya asked, kissing Carina again before she could answer.

Carina licked Maya’s bottom lip, nibbling lightly. “I do. What time is it?”

Maya raised herself up on one elbow and squinted as she checked the watch she’d left on her bedside table. She frowned, disappointed.

“It’s risky,” she said. “They could be up any...”

“Get the vibrator. We’ll be quick.”

Carina forced down her own disappointment, trying to be grateful that they even had this moment. She was relieved that Maya wanted her – it was good to feel desired. While she never doubted Maya’s love or attraction, the distance between them had allowed doubt to creep in.

Maya reached into her bedside table, moving the sheet over their shoulders as she returned. It wasn’t exactly romantic, but they would make it work. Carina was already without panties and she could feel Maya awkwardly pulling her boyshorts down.

“Here,” Carina said, taking the vibrator.

They fumbled beneath the sheets, shifting closer as Carina set the pink silicone against her clit and waited for Maya to position herself. With a small nod, Maya’s hand drifted up the back of Carina’s t-shirt, her inhale shaky as Carina turned the vibrator on. She bit her lip, humming at the sensation, loving the way it felt to have Maya’s thighs against hers.

Maya kissed her again, clever fingers tickling until they found her breast, and Carina blushed because she was so close and they’d only just begun. But Maya’s touch always did that to her – and it had been so long since she’d felt her wife like this. She tucked her face into Maya’s neck, sucking lightly, stifling her own moan as Maya thumbed her nipple.

“God, you’re so gorgeous,” Maya whispered, hitching her thigh over Carina’s hip. It brought them closer together, the vibrator nestled between them. Carina wished she could free her hands, she wished one wasn’t pinned under her, but there was so little time that she didn’t want to waste it on wishing. She focused on what she had – and what she had was Maya’s hand on her, was Maya’s skin, was the teasing heat radiating from Maya’s body.

“I missed you so much,” Maya said again, her lips brushing Carina’s ear, that breathless, uneven confession igniting warmth deep in Carina’s belly.

She turned up the vibrator as Maya awkwardly switched to her other breast, apparently desperate just to touch, regardless of what she was touching.

“Bambina,” Carina moaned, rocking forward, chasing the light.

Maya hummed, a tiny noise from the back of her throat. “Say it again.”

“Bambina...”

That clever hand kneaded her breast, the smooth brush of Maya’s palm against Carina’s nipple almost overwhelming after so much time apart. Maya’s lips were hungry as they found Carina’s, and somewhere between Maya’s tongue licking into her mouth and Maya’s thumb circling a pebbled areola, Carina came, shuddering hard as the orgasm tore through, quick and satisfying. She kept her eyes closed, her whole body tingly as she sunk into the mattress, because behind her eyelids she could pretend that they still had hours. That they were naked. That it was Maya’s fingers stroking her and not the hard silicone.

Maya’s eyes were closed too. As Carina blinked, she realized that her wife’s expression was pinched, her brow furrowed. The vibrations were now uncomfortable for Carina, so she wiggled away just enough to free herself but keep the vibrator exactly where Maya needed.

“Can you turn it up?” Maya asked, still refusing to look at Carina as she thrust a little, her face red from exertion.

Carina nodded, adjusting the speed, slightly concerned when Maya reached down and took the vibrator from her hand. She upped the intensity one more time, the sound grating under the blankets, but Carina wanted her wife to feel good, so she didn’t say anything. Instead, she slid her hand to Maya’s ass, squeezing.

“Let go, amore mio,” Carina whispered, “You are home now. With me.”

Maya clenched her jaw, her body tense.

For just a second, it seemed like she was almost there, but the second quickly ended when Maya growled and sat up, tearing the sheets away. She turned off the vibrator and threw it on the floor, her back to Carina.

“Fuck!” She hissed, slapping her hand on the bed.

Carina raised her eyebrows, startled by the unexpected shift in mood and the loss of Maya’s body against her. She hesitated, unsure what best to do with the seething, frustrated woman in her bed, until she remembered that the seething, frustrated woman was the love of her life.

“Hey,” she said, sitting up too. “It’s okay, my love.”

Carina wrapped her arms around Maya from behind, setting her chin on Maya’s shoulder. Maya flinched and Carina thought she was about to push her away. And then Maya deflated, sagging in Carina’s hold.

“I’m sorry,” she said, beyond defeated.

Carina tightened her grip, her arms across Maya’s chest and stomach.

“No sorries,” she whispered. “It’s not about the orgasm. It’s about feeling good together.”

“We haven’t had sex in weeks, Carina. I should be able to have a freaking orgasm.”

“Maya,” Carina cooed, hating the self-loathing poorly hidden in Maya’s words. “It’s really okay. We’ll find another time...”

“Will we?”

“Of course.”

“Because I’m never home. And you’re never home either.”

Carina kissed Maya’s neck, breathing her in, knowing that the anger was masking a world of hurt. She let Maya stew for a moment, understanding that sometimes, Maya just needed to feel her anger before she could fully let it go.

“I’m home for a few weeks now,” Carina said, keeping her voice soft. “And tomorrow is Saturday. Maybe we can try to get tickets for the baseball?”

Going to see the Mariners was not exactly Carina’s favourite pastime, but her wife and children loved it and Carina loved watching their happy faces. Plus, the beer and greasy fries made the experience much more tolerable.

“Really?” Maya asked, turning her face just a little.

“If Jamie is up to it.”

“Hayden texted me ten times last night,” Maya sighed. “I feel like the worst mother.”

“Maya, your long-lost brother showed up after twenty years. That’s not exactly something you can predict. Hayden will understand and so will Jamie.”

There was a long moment of silence and Carina wondered if she’d lost Maya to deep dark thoughts. Until Maya curled both hands around Carina’s forearm and squeezed.

“Carina?” She breathed, her voice high and airy. So vulnerable. So open.

“Sì, Tesoro?”

“Are we okay?”

Carina sighed, pulling Maya tightly against her body. “We are. We are always okay, Maya. Even when we’re not.”

It wasn’t exactly a clear answer, but Carina hoped Maya would understand. She hoped she’d agree. When Maya turned her face and brushed her lips across Carina’s, Carina took it as a sign that they were on the same page.

The silence was broken by the sound of Maya’s alarm, a reminder that they had places to be. That their children would be awake soon too. But instead of standing, Maya inhaled, her body tense again.

“I’m so tired,” she whispered, her grip on Carina’s arm bruising.

Carina leaned back, shocked to find Maya in tears. A single drop cascaded down her cheek, a single drop full of confession.

Before Carina could say anything, Maya forced a smile, shaking her head. She sniffled, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she tried to clear her throat. It didn’t work. Another tear fell and then another until she was silently crying in Carina’s arms, her head tipped back against Carina’s shoulder.

“Shhh, my love, it’s okay,” Carina cooed, kissing Maya’s cheek. “Let it out now. It’s okay.”

Maya wasn’t weeping, but she was undoubtably falling apart. Time was not on their side, but there was no way Carina was going to tell her wife to suck it up, to put this away for later. Not when this had been brewing for weeks. Carina inwardly felt relief that Maya was comfortable enough to unravel – that she wasn’t running off to the treadmill or work or anything but Carina.

“I’m so tired,” Maya hiccupped, repeating herself. “Why does it always have to be like this? Why can’t I just get a promotion without drama and scandal...why does it always have to blow up my life?”

“Oh, Bambina, it hasn’t blown up your life. I promise! Things are messy and not everything is perfect, but your life...our life...it’s still here. It’s here and it’s so beautiful.”

“How can you say that? I left them alone last night...I left them...”

Carina shook her head, rocking side to side with Maya in her arms. “No, no. You didn’t. You would never.”

“But...”

“You are so hard on yourself, Bella. Your Mamma needed you. You can’t be in two places at once!”

Maya’s inhale sounded painful. She was so clearly overwhelmed – too much, all at once, with no end in sight. The added complication of Mason had obviously been the last straw. She was barely holding herself up, Carina’s body providing the strength she needed to sit at all. Carina could feel the exhaustion radiating from Maya and all she wanted was to find some way to help, to repair.

“My mom wants us to come to dinner tonight,” Maya whispered, shifting slightly so she could face Carina. Her eyes were puffy and the dark shadows beneath were concerning. She looked sick, so far from her usual energetic, radiant self.

Carina stroked Maya’s cheek, brushing away streaks of tears. “Do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I don’t want to leave her alone with him. But it’s just...”

“Is he clean?”

Carina knew she couldn’t start peppering Maya with one-hundred questions even though she very much had one-hundred questions. She had to go slowly – Maya was already going through so much. And Carina understood more than most that little brothers were tricky.

“He says he is,” Maya shrugged. “Apparently, he goes to church now? He looks like my dad.”

“Oh.”

“He gave me the creeps,” Maya confessed, lowering her head. “That’s a terrible thing to say. I’ve wanted him to come home for decades, but...being in the same room didn’t feel good. He’s a stranger.”

“It’s been twenty years,” Carina said. “Maybe you just need to spend some time with him. Get to know him as he is now instead of how you remember him.”

Time was a funny thing.

So were little brothers.

Because it had almost been twenty years since Andrea’s death. Not quite, but close enough that Carina’s mind was playing what if games.

What if it was Andrea who walked through the door?

What would he look like?

Would his hair still be dark?

Would he be going bald like Papa?

Would he run to me like he did when he was so little? My fratellino...

I wish...

I wish...

“What about the kids?” Maya asked, looking less than convinced.

Carina pushed down her own pain and refocused. “We have to tell them that he’s back. And then...they’ll want to meet him. Hayden was so worried about Katherine last night. We can’t lie about where you were or why you were there.”

Maya winced, the muscle in her jaw twitching. She leaned forward, her forehead finding Carina’s shoulder, and despite the time and all the decisions they needed to make, Carina lay back, bringing Maya with her. With Maya’s face pressed into her neck, Carina smiled softly at their role reversal, comforted by the way Maya was lying on top of her, the weight of her body an instant relief.

“Can you work from home today, amore mio?” Carina whispered, sneaking her hand up the back of Maya’s t-shirt. She traced Maya’s spine with her fingertips, tickling a path over sharp bone and muscle. Maya nuzzled her nose against Carina’s throat and hitched her thigh over Carina’s hips, clinging in such a needy way that Carina wanted to wrap her wife in a blanket and lock all the doors. There was no better cure than feeling each other, and it had been so long since they’d taken a moment to do just that. To touch. To luxuriate in warm skin.

“I don’t know,” Maya said.

“If it’s just paperwork and meetings, you can use my office.”

“Should we keep Jamie home from school?”

There was almost something hopeful in Maya’s voice. Not that she’d ever wish illness on Jamie, but Carina knew how much Maya was missing their kids. How much time she’d had to spend away from them. Carina felt the same pull.

“Probably,” Carina said. “Even if she feels better, she had a fever last night. Let’s give her one more day to rest and catch up on sleep.”

“Then I should probably stay home too. Just to keep an eye on her.”

Jamie was sixteen and more than capable of looking after herself for the day, but Carina’s lips lifted in the corners, her cheek against the top of Maya’s head.

“That’s a good idea, amore,” she agreed, secretly congratulating herself on slightly manipulating her wife into staying home too.

Maya rubbed light circles against Carina’s side, her own fingers drifting down, relearning Carina’s hips, her abdomen. She paused, hesitating for only a moment before cupping Carina between her legs.

“Yeah?” She asked in a voice so small that it didn’t even sound like her.

Touch.

Clarifying and loving. There was nothing sexual in Maya’s hold, it was as if she wanted to feel the essence of Carina, she wanted Carina’s life in her palm. She wanted what Carina had granted only her, she wanted sanctuary.

She wanted the sacred. The most sacred.

I missed you.

“Yes,” Carina whispered, squeezing her thighs together. Hoping Maya was getting what she needed.

“I’m scared we’re not okay.”

Carina swallowed hard, hoping Maya didn’t hear the increase in her heartrate. She had faith in their marriage. She knew their love was eternal. But Carina couldn’t pretend that the last few months hadn’t placed a strain on their relationship. Even with Maya’s hands on her, with Maya’s body tucked into her own, the reality was that a few stolen minutes couldn’t bridge the gap between Maya’s endless work and Carina’s travel and their busy household.

“Don’t be scared, my love,” Carina swore, stroking Maya’s hair. “I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

“No.”

“Then we are more than okay.”

Outside, the world was chaos. Maya’s job was an endless trial. Mason brought with him a lifetime of guilt and hurt.

Inside, there was order. Everything else disappeared – obligations, responsibilities, promises. They were meaningless in this space. Their only obligation was too each other. Their only responsibility was too each other.

Their only promise – perfect in its simplicity – was too each other.

A choice made forever.

Eventually, the alarm broke their fragile peace, accompanied by the sound of Hayden’s daily cry of Buongiorno!

Maya rose first, showering while Carina made the bed and chose her outfit for the day. Even though there was nothing particularly exciting about their morning routine, Carina felt grateful for the familiarity. She’d spent a lot of time alone in hotel rooms lately, waking up without Maya next to her. Without the knowledge that her children were just down the hall.

By the time Carina showered and fixed her hair, Maya was downstairs with the kids, their voices wafting from the kitchen. When Carina walked through the door, she found Jamie sitting at the table, wrapped in a big, fluffy blanket. Maya had Hayden in a hug, her fingers lightly scratching the back of his head.

“Mama, do I really have to stay home? My fever is gone,” Jamie said, still a little sniffly.

Carina raised her finger. “Yes, you must stay home, Tesoro. Lots of rest and liquids, va bene?”

Jamie didn’t protest, especially once Maya circled the table and lay her hand on top of Jamie’s head.

It was hard to tell, but Maya seemed a little less stressed than she had an hour before. Maybe the promise of a day at home helped relieve some of her anxiety. Knowing Jamie would be with her likely helped too. And judging by the way she was drifting between both the kids, giving them hugs, kissing their foreheads, she was charging up her battery, getting ready for whatever came next.

“Is Gran okay?” Hayden asked, finally sitting down with a bowl of cereal.

Carina sat next to him, smiling when Maya placed a toasted bagel and a cup of coffee in front of her. They exchanged a glance, a look that contained an entire conversation, and with a barely perceptible nod, Maya took the chair between Jamie and Hayden and set her hands on the table.

“Gran is fine,” she promised. “But Uncle Mason came home last night.”

Hayden dropped his spoon, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. “Uncle Mason?”

There was unmistakably a smile on his face, he bounced a little, clearly excited. Jamie looked less enthused, though it could have been a result of her lingering cold. Unlike her brother, she frowned, pulling the blanket more tightly around her shoulders.

Andrea was a warm presence in their lives, Mason was a bit of a mystery. Maya rarely spoke of him, she rarely spoke of her childhood at all, and the only exposure they’d really had to Mason was through Katherine. There were pictures of him all over her house and she liked to tell stories of little Maya and little Mason. Maya always left the room when she did and Carina understood why.

Katherine was not naive. She’d lived through a lot of heartache. But the way she spoke about her children was always a bit of a fantasy. There was no mention of Lane, no mention of the way he belittled Mason constantly. No mention of the way he withheld food from Maya, food and sleep. Some of Maya’s earliest memories were of being cold because Lane took her blankets or being hungry because he refused to let her eat breakfast. Katherine wanted to remember the good and, as a mother herself, Carina knew how comforting it could be to fall into the past and remember her babies as babies.

Except her babies had never known hunger or cold.

Her babies had only ever known love.

Which is why talking about Mason was complicated.

Maya shared small glimpses.

He was a talented artist. Or he had been a talented artist.

He was sensitive and kind.

They’d also told the kids that he lived with addiction, that there was a possibility he was living on the streets. That he’d chosen not to make contact with his family.

Carina always hated how Maya framed these discussions. She was so quick to blame herself. So quick to explain Mason’s decisions as a direct result of her own.

And now the ghost of their Uncle was no longer a ghost. Carina wasn’t sure how they would react. Though judging by Hayden’s grin and Jamie’s narrowed eyes, they were about to have opposite opinions.

“Gran wants us to come to dinner tonight,” Maya explained. “But it’s up to you if...”

“Can we go?” Hayden asked, his cereal forgotten. “Do you think Uncle Mason could look at my drawing for the art show? Do you think he’d want to come?”

Maya opened her mouth to speak, but Jamie beat her to it.

“Is he on drugs?” She asked, her voice soft.

Carina didn’t miss the way Maya clenched her jaw.

“If he’s with Gran, he’s not on drugs!” Hayden interrupted.

Jamie shrugged. “It’s more complicated than that, Hayden. Addiction is a disease.”

“I know!” Hayden said. “But Mom wouldn’t let him stay with Gran if it wasn’t safe, right Mom?”

He turned to Maya, full of trust and hope and Carina could tell Maya was trying not to bolt.

“Your sister is right,” Carina said, reaching out for Hayden’s hand. “It is a complicated situation. Uncle Mason told Mom that he is clean.”

“See!” Hayden interrupted, gesturing with one hand. “He’s clean!”

Maya cleared her throat. She looked pale.

“I haven’t seen Uncle Mason in twenty years,” Maya said. “I don’t really know anything about who he is now, but he would like to meet you. All of you. I’m not going to force anyone to go – this isn’t something we have to decide on today either.”

“I’m going,” Hayden said, his smile never waning.

Maya’s pallor took on a greenish hue.

If not for the presence of both kids, Carina would have pulled her aside to check if she had developed a sudden stomach bug.

“I think Jamie should stay home,” Carina said, sensing that Maya needed her to take over. “You are still sneezing, Tesoro, and I don’t think you’re infectious, but just in case...”

“I don’t want to get Gran sick,” Jamie nodded, “but you three should go. Even if it’s just to support Gran.”

The way Jamie eyed Maya told Carina that there was a silent and Mom in her thoughts too.

Hayden was loving and charming and so incredibly sweet.

But Jamie could read hearts. Especially Maya’s heart.

“Then it is decided,” Carina said, standing. “Maya you’ll call your Mom and tell her?”

Maya nodded, staying silent as Hayden left to get his backpack and Carina circled the table, stopping just behind her chair.

“Have a good day, Mama,” Jamie said with a yawn, hugging Carina quickly before disappearing up the stairs, likely headed back to bed.

Alone, Carina ran her fingers through Maya’s hair, her free hand coming to rest on Maya’s chest, just below the hollow of her throat.

“Andra tutto bene,” Carina swore, hurting for her wife.

She kissed Maya briefly, leaning over her chair, wanting nothing more than those perfect blue eyes to sparkle again. But they were dull and Maya was weary.

A hand curled around the front of Carina’s shirt, loosely holding her still.

“I don’t trust him,” Maya whispered.

Carina could only exhale and stroke Maya’s cheek. “I know.”

Chapter Text

Against her better judgment, Carina agreed to stop for coffee before dropping Hayden off at school. She knew Maya frowned upon giving their children excessive caffeine, but Carina had been drinking coffee since she was around Hayden’s age and a cappuccino was mostly milk, after all.

Plus, it gave her a few extra minutes with her son.

Her son who was currently pouting as he stood beside her in line.

“Passerotto, you cannot have espresso so early,” Carina argued, gesturing at the menu above, “Remember what happened last time?”

Hayden shrugged. “Mr. Stokes exaggerated! I was fine!”

“You stood up on your desk in the middle of class and nearly cracked your head open, Tesoro!”

“That wasn’t my fault! It was faulty desk construction.”

Carina paused, biting her lip to keep from laughing. Hayden just had that way about him. She linked their arms, happy to soak in his light, knowing that it was going to be a very long and possibly difficult day ahead.

In truth, Carina was distracted.

She was worried about Maya. She was worried about all the pressure weighing Maya down because she knew what could happen when things became too much. Carina didn’t want to monitor her wife, she didn’t want to act as her therapist either, but they’d been together for so long and they were so attuned to each other that there was no way Carina could ignore all the signs of Maya’s inner struggles.

Thankfully, she had no travel for the next few weeks. She could stay at home, maintain their normal schedule, support Maya in whatever way she could. And now with Mason’s unexpected return, Carina just couldn’t shake the feeling that things were about to get harder. The temperature was rising.

“Why isn’t Mom excited to see Uncle Mason?” Hayden asked from the passenger seat once they returned to the car, lowering his cup.

Carina glanced at him quickly before focusing on the road.

“Mom doesn’t like surprises very much and this was a big surprise,” she said, hoping Hayden would understand. “The last time she saw Uncle Mason was over twenty years ago. Before I met her.”

“So you’ve never met him?”

“No, Tesoro. Never. He chose not to be in contact and even though Mom missed him, life has a way of moving on. So much happened so quickly after we met – and once we adopted Jamie, everything changed. It wasn’t just about Mason anymore. It was about keeping our family safe.”

“Because there was a chance Uncle Mason was still doing drugs?”

“Sì. That is part of why Mom might seem hesitant too. She always wants to keep us safe. That is the first promise she ever made to you, the day we found out we were pregnant. And even though she loves her brother and she’s missed him, you and your sister always come first.”

“And you.”

Carina smiled softly. “Yes, and me too.”

“But do you think it’s not safe? Why would Uncle Mason want to hurt us? Or Gran?”

“I don’t know, amore mio,” Carina said, choosing honesty. “Twenty years is a long time and people can change. I hope Uncle Mason is clean and healthy.”

“Me too...I’ve wanted to meet him forever.”

Carina raised an eyebrow, surprised to find Hayden a little wistful as he sipped his coffee.

“I wish I could have met Zio Andrea,” Hayden said. “But you’ve told me so many stories, it feels like I know him. Like he kind of lives with us...but in a nice way. Not in a scary way.”

Carina didn’t mean to interrupt, but as she swallowed back a whimper, Hayden turned in his seat, his hand darting out to her wrist.

“I’m sorry, Mama!” He said, “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just meant...”

“No, no, it is okay, Angioletto,” Carina managed, brushing away a tear. “I am glad you feel that way about Zio Andrea. These are happy tears.

Hayden didn’t look entirely convinced, but he sat back, returning to his cappuccino. “I don’t feel the same way about Uncle Mason. Mom barely ever talks about him. And Gran always gets so sad when she does. But I want to know all about him! And I want to show him my art and maybe he can help me get better at drawing! And we can hang out and go to movies and do you think he likes football? We can set up goals in the backyard and he and I can play on one team and Mom and Jamie can play on the other. Team Fratellini!”

The picture he painted was achingly sweet. Carina so wanted the vision to come true – a happy, reunited family. Second chances. The type of chance she’d never get. It was so obvious too that Hayden was searching for connection. They’d surrounded him with strong male role models, people like Vargas and Travis, Jack and Ben. For the most part, Hayden seemed totally at ease with having two moms and a big sister. But it didn’t change the fact that he had two missing uncles. Uncles that were also little brothers, just like him.

The men in their family were complex. There was a lot of darkness, a lot unspoken.

Add Lane and Vincenzo to the mix and Carina couldn’t blame her son for hoping Mason would turn out to be a new fun uncle in his life.

If only it were that easy.

“I hope that all happens too,” she said, “but we need to be patient with him and with Mom, okay?”

“Because of what their dad did?”

“Yes, in a way.”

Hayden took that in, leaning back in his seat. He took a few sips of his cappuccino and then set it down in the cupholder, turning his face towards her again.

“I think it’s all going to work out,” he said with a grin.

Carina reached over to lightly pinch his cheek, praying that he was right.

~*~

Maya knew she was likely overstepping, but she’d also never been in love before.

There was no binder of protocols for her to memorize. All she had was instinct and, if she was being honest, a little bit of anger.

She’d met Andrew a few times before – all meetings relatively painless.

When Carina had first brought up meeting Andrew, Maya’s stomach had flip flopped. It had been well before the Jack fiasco, but Maya was still feeling a bit unworthy. Would he like her? Would he tell Carina that she deserved better? Meeting family made everything real. Did she want real? Could she admit that to herself?

They’d met at Joe’s one evening after work. Two beers later, Maya had realized that Andrew was fairly easy to talk to – he spent most of the night teasing Carina and telling Maya about some of her girlfriend’s previous relationships. Each one more disastrous than the last, apparently.

The second meeting had been shortly after Carina agreed to take Maya back. A brief run-in at Joe’s.

 The third meeting was at Carina’s apartment. Dinner. This felt slightly more formal, but again, Andrew was chatty and Maya liked hearing his stories about Carina. Though she’d also noticed Carina’s pinched appearance, the way she’d wring her hands and stare at her little brother while he drank his wine and laughed and tried to embarrass her.

Carina hadn’t told him about Jack and apparently Andrew hadn’t noticed the temporary breakup – a testament to how self-involved he could be - so there was no risk of an angry little brother threatening her life.

Though, in her opinion, she deserved some of that.

Being in love was brand new. Having a girlfriend was brand new. But having a girlfriend like Carina? A girlfriend like Carina who had taken her back, who loved her too, who was all in? Maya found herself more protective than she’d ever been. More involved.

So when Carina came home in tears, worried because Andrew had threatened to go off his meds, Maya knew she had to do something.

As she knocked on his apartment door, she just prayed that she was doing the right thing. That this wouldn’t cost her the most important person in her life.

“Maya?”

Andrew squinted as he appeared in the doorway, his hair long and messy. She cleared her throat, feigning confidence as she pointed over his shoulder.

“Can I come in?” She asked.

He paused before nodding, stepping aside.

Unlike Carina whose apartment had come pre-furnished, Andrew’s home looked lived in. He’d set down roots here, he wasn’t torn between two continents, forever at the beck and call of his father. Anger flared again as Maya thought about how much time Carina spent on the phone with Vincenzo, talking him down, scolding him, begging him, checking on him. She lived out of suitcases sometimes, there were still boxes in her storage unit because she so rarely stayed in one place for long.

Maya chose to stand, watching as he awkwardly moved around her, offering a beer. When she declined, he sat on the couch, picking up a guitar that he’d left there, his fingers still as he stared at her, waiting.

“You need to take your meds,” she said, choosing to tear off the bandaid.

His dark brows rose, but it was the way his nostrils flared that remined Maya of his sister.

“That’s none of your business,” he said, pointing at her.

She folded her arms, standing her ground. “It is. Because Carina’s well-being is my business.”

“Does she know you’re here?”

“No.”

“Seriously? She didn’t send you to nag at me?”

Maya clenched her jaw, fighting her temper. “Do you know how much she cares about you? How much she worries about you?”

“She should concentrate on her own life. I don’t need her.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

Andrew leaned back, setting the guitar beside him. “Listen, Maya, I get that you’re trying to do the protective girlfriend bit, but you don’t know her like I do, okay? She doesn’t need whatever this is. And she’s going to be pissed off when she hears about it.”

Maybe he was right. Maybe she didn’t know Carina like he knew Carina. But she wanted to. She was trying to.

“Andrew, I didn’t come here to fight with you,” she said, trying to stay calm. “I’m just worried about your sister and I wish you were too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Every time you tell her that you’re going off your meds or that you’re quitting therapy, you hurt her. A lot. She doesn’t sleep. She doesn’t eat...”

“And that’s her decision,” Andrew growled, raising one hand. “This is what Carina does. She involves herself in other people’s business and then pushes and pushes until she either gets her way or she gets burned.”

Maya inadvertently cringed.

“See,” he said, “you get what I’m saying! I’m sure she’s done it to you too.”

There was no way that Maya was going to tell him about Jack. About her greatest mistake. But the guilt gnawed at her and it was the guilt that strengthened her resolve. It was the image of Carina’s heartbroken face the night Maya…

The night she…

The way she’d flung the words at Carina, aiming to wound, shattering her own heart in the process.

Maya sat down in a chair across from Andrew and lowered her head.

“She does it out of love,” Maya said in almost a whisper. “She’s so strong and she takes care of everyone and sometimes the way it comes out might seem pushy or like she’s overstepping. But she’s not, Andrew. Not about this.”

“You don’t get to tell me about my sister!”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Maya said, forcing herself not to raise her voice. “I realize we don’t know each other well and I understand why you’re defensive. Trust me when I say that I’ll never win sister of the year...my own brother would rather live on the street than talk to me. So when I...”

“What?”

Maya swallowed hard, wondering what it was about little brothers that caused so much angst.

“My father was abusive,” she explained, unsure how much Carina had shared. “I was the golden child and Mason, my brother, was not. I didn’t protect him or stand up for him. He found the love and comfort he was searching for in drugs. Which is why I know how lucky you are to have a sister like Carina. Someone who cares for you, someone who would do anything for you. I wish you could see that too, Andrew.”

“You really love her...don’t you.”

He’d asked her the same question at Joe’s a few weeks before. This time, it wasn’t a question so much as a statement. Delivered with a little surprise, a little suspicion. Was it really that difficult to believe that someone could love Carina as deeply as she loved Carina?

Andrew stared Maya down with a steely gaze as if he was trying to call her bluff.

“I do,” Maya said, raising her chin.

“And she’s really not sleeping? Or eating?”

Maya wanted to roll her eyes. She wanted to ask him how it was possible that he didn’t notice how personally Carina took his health – both physical and mental. The man in front of her was an adult, but he took Carina’s love for granted. At least that’s what it seemed like to Maya. Carina was so giving, so empathetic. She constantly put others ahead of herself to the point that she was terrible at asking for help. Anytime Maya made even the smallest gesture to help ease some of Carina’s stress, Carina reacted with shock.

The time Maya had taken Carina’s car for an oil check.

The time Maya had done the grocery shopping while Carina was stuck in surgery.

The time Maya stayed up, waiting for Carina to get home after a hard shift.

Maya knew she was a novice when it came to relationships. She second-guessed herself constantly. But Carina’s bar for how she allowed herself to be treated seemed low. Much too low.

Carina DeLuca deserved flowers and champagne and everything good in the world. She deserved someone to firmly stand in her corner, to take care of her, to make sure she was okay in the same way she constantly made sure everyone else was okay.

From what Carina had shared about their childhood, Andrew’s ignorance wasn’t new. Carina purposefully shielded him from the darkness. She stood between him and Vincenzo’s anger. She’d carried the burden of their mother’s death as Andrew was allowed space to grieve. The truth came out in tiny ways, in fragmented sentences. In stories that were full of excuses for people who should have been Carina’s greatest support.

Maya still couldn’t understand how Carina’s mother had just left her at age sixteen. How could anyone do that? Especially to Carina?

“All she wants is for you to be healthy,” Maya explained, sighing. “You’re scaring her, Andrew. I wish you cared about her as much as she cared about you because then you’d do everything in your power not to hurt her. Not to make her feel the way you make her feel!”

She didn’t mean to raise her voice, but she had also spent most of the last week watching the woman she loved pace the hallway.

Andrew blanched, and for the first time, Maya realized that his eyes were blue. Their previous meetings had all been at night – or maybe she hadn’t looked closely enough. She’d assumed his eyes were brown like Carina’s eyes, but the more she looked at him, the more she struggled to see much of a resemblance between the DeLuca siblings.

She and Mason shared Lane’s eyes. Maya sometimes had a hard time looking in the mirror, especially when she was angry or upset in some way. The icy stare was too familiar. It was too dangerous. So opposite Carina whose eyes were dark and rich and beautiful.

“I’ll…I’ll talk to her,” Andrew said, swallowing hard.

Maya frowned, his statement too ambiguous for her liking.

“About the meds,” Andrew explained. “I won’t stop taking them, I just need them adjusted.”

“Okay. That’s a start.”

“A start?”

“When’s the last time you called her?”

“I just spoke to her…”

“No,” Maya said, pointing, “when is the last time you reached out? She calls you all the time, but you never call her. You never ask about her life or her work. Do you even know that she had a paper accepted for publication last week?”

Andrew furrowed his brow. “She did? She never said anything.”

“Of course she didn’t. She was too busy trying to convince you to take your medication and continue therapy. And when she’s not on the phone with you, she’s on the phone with your dad. I’m not here to scold you, Andrew. You’re not a child and Carina is not your mother. She’s a person. She’s the most incredible person I’ve ever met. And I just wish you would think about her as much as she thinks about you.”

An awkward silence descended. Maya wasn’t sure if she’d said too much or not enough. She couldn’t be sure that Andrew wouldn’t call Carina, which could lead to a very angry Italian girlfriend. So she waited, willing to face an angry Italian girlfriend if it meant said girlfriend’s brother stopped being an ass.

“I’ll take my meds,” Andrew said again, this time in a whisper.

Maya nodded, feeling somewhat accomplished.

“Good,” she said. “Now call your sister.”

~*~

“It’s not your fault, you know…”

Jamie’s voice forced Maya to look up from her desk. She glanced at her daughter, a little surprised to see Jamie sitting on the couch, staring right back at her – glasses slightly askew and light brown hair tossed into a messy bun. They were in Carina’s home-office – Maya doing paperwork, Jamie catching up on some math equations and napping away the rest of her cold. Now she was very awake, still wrapped in a blanket, but obviously wanting to talk.

“What do you mean?” Maya asked, setting down her pen.

“The whole Uncle Mason thing. It’s not your fault that he turned out the way he did.”

Maya clenched her jaw, ignoring the impulse to turn her face away in shame.

“I wish it were that simple,” she said, knowing that the return of Mason meant that her children would soon find out what type of sister she had been. What type of person she had been.

“Maybe it is.”

Maya sighed and stood, crossing the room so she could sit next to the couch, closer to Jamie. She smiled sadly, smoothing Jamie’s blanket as Jamie lay down again, all curled up.

“I know your dad was abusive and you feel like you didn’t do enough to protect Uncle Mason, but that wasn’t your job, Mom,” Jamie continued, sounding so much like Carina. “And addiction is a disease – it’s not like you forced your brother to develop a disease.”

“Addiction is a disease,” Maya agreed, struggling because the last thing she ever wanted was for Jamie to see her differently. “It’s a disease I have too.”

Jamie arched her eyebrows, worried. “But…”

“The way my dad raised me…I couldn’t stop running. Even when it hurt me, I couldn’t stop. And sometimes I still have trouble…when life feels too stressful...I run too much. I’m aware of it and I’ve spent a lot of years trying to develop a healthy relationship with running…”

“That still doesn’t make any of Uncle Mason’s choices your fault.”

“I…I wasn’t always nice to him…or Gran,” Maya confessed, her throat closing. There was something about Jamie that always cracked her open, that always brought out the words. The truth. In the same way that Hayden brought out the light – even on the darkest days. Her children were her equilibrium.

Jamie took Maya’s hand, linking their fingers.

“Mom?” She breathed, suddenly pensive. “Can I be honest with you?”

Maya frowned, leaning closer. “Of course, Baby. Always.”

“I don’t think you’re very nice to yourself sometimes. And it makes me sad. Because you’re the best.”

Despite her strongest efforts, Maya couldn’t keep the tears from her eyes. They stung as she forced them back, her cheeks flushed as Jamie’s words burrowed their way in.

“I love you so much, Jamie,” Maya said, rubbing her thumb over Jamie’s knuckles. The gold rings on Jamie’s fingers were warm to the touch, the sight of them enough to evoke Carina’s presence. Because in the end, that’s where all the good in the world found its source.

Carina.

“I love you too, Mom,” Jamie smiled, so reassuring. She pushed herself up on one elbow, pressing her forehead to Maya’s, and not for the first time Maya wondered how it was that Jamie was so wise, so knowing. Her sixteen-year-old who still like to buy the occasional stuffie and still liked to cuddle up with her moms at the end of a long school day.

“You and your brother are the best of me,” Maya swore, closing her eyes. “No matter what, it’s the four of us against the world, okay?”

“And Gran.”

Maya smirked. “And Gran.”

The echo of a little voice whispered in Maya’s ear, a version of Jamie who would have added and Lupo.

Maya silently included Lupo for old time’s sake, trying to push away work stress and Mason stress and just stay in the present with Jamie.

Chapter Text

In her many years as Battalion Chief, Maya had learned how to see through walls. It wasn’t a superpower in the traditional sense, but she could look at a building schematic and envision entire battalions of firefighters – their coordinates, their condition. The crackle of a walkie-talkie and a cryptic “south basement” or “upper staircase” was enough for her to picture where her people were and, more importantly, how to get them all out safely.

The instincts came back tenfold as she walked into Katherine’s house with Hayden and Carina by her side.

It was as if she was watching them from afar, as if she couldn’t touch them but only sense them, and that feeling of detachment scared her.

“Gran!” Hayden called as soon as he stepped through the door.

He kicked off his shoes, disappearing into the front room where they could hear Katherine already laughing at whatever it was he was saying. She knew she had to join him, but her hands were so cold, her heart beating a little too quickly.

Displaced panic filled her gut – the impulse to grab Hayden and run so strong that she didn’t move at all. He was wearing jeans and a red t-shirt, his curly hair had recently been trimmed but it was still somehow unruly and beautiful, the same shade as Carina’s, thick and healthy. Her little boy. Her heart. Walking away into a room with a stranger who had Lane’s eyes.

When Carina followed Hayden, Maya’s panic rose twofold.

Her wife. Carina’s hair was braided loosely behind her back. She’d changed quickly after work, her high-waisted jeans and beige blouse simple and elegant.

Any second Mason would walk in.

Maya had to force herself to step forward, to pretend like her own brother wasn’t causing so much displaced fear. She was tired and stressed, her mind stretched in twenty different directions. No matter what her subconscious was screaming, Mason wasn’t Lane. He deserved a chance.

And hadn’t she dreamed of this for decades?

This exact moment?

How many times had she held Hayden as a baby and imagined Mason walking in, scooping up that perfect little bundle…

“Maya,” Katherine said, waving her over, “you look pale, Sweetheart. You’re not getting Jamie’s cold are you?”

Hayden had his arm around Katherine’s shoulders and Carina had taken her hand, so when all three turned towards her, Maya cringed, feeling too exposed.

“No,” she said, forcing a smile. “Just a little tired. Do you need any help in the kitchen, Mom?”

Katherine reached up to pat Hayden’s cheek. “Everything is ready. We just need to set the table.”

Before Hayden could enthusiastically volunteer, Mason appeared from the hallway. Like the night before, he was dressed in a clean white button-up and jeans. Once more, Maya couldn’t shake how unnerving it was to stare at this man who was her little brother. This man who didn’t feel like Mason at all.

“Uncle Mason!” Hayden cheered, spinning on his heels. He extended his hand, nearly bouncing, and Maya held her breath, wondering what Mason would do.

“I’m guessing you’re Hayden?” Mason asked, shaking Hayden’s hand with a friendly smile.

Hayden nodded. “You’ve heard of me? I guess I am kind of famous.”

“You are?” Mason quirked an eyebrow, clearly not used to Hayden’s brand of humour.

“I’ve been talking about you and your sister non-stop,” Katherine laughed, “Poor Uncle Mason is probably tired of my voice.”

Carina stepped forward then, squeezing Hayden’s shoulder. “Hello Mason, I’m Carina. Maya’s wife.”

At the sound of Carina’s voice, Mason narrowed his eyes. Maya could swear his jaw twitched, but he still shook Carina’s hand, his smile tight, but present.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he said. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised you exist.”

“Oh?” Carina was still friendly though Maya recognized the slight downward shift in Carina’s expression.

“Maya just never needed people in her life,” Mason explained, no hint of malice in his tone despite the cutting words. “Running isn’t a team sport, right?”

The tension rose, drenching the room in discomfort. Hayden looked from Mason to Maya, confused, and even Katherine had gone quiet.

“People change,” Maya said, setting her palm on Carina’s lower back. “Is that so hard to believe?”

In truth, Mason was wrong. Maya had always needed people – friends, family, her father’s love. She’d had to force that need away, deep down in the dark, because needing anything besides what Lane told her she needed was a sure way to earn more laps, less food, no sleep. Maya had spent most of her childhood and adolescence isolated, watching from afar as the kids her age developed friendships and relationships. She could still remember lying awake at night, wishing she could go to the movies with some of the girls on her track team, wishing there was some way to convince Lane that it was a good idea, that she wouldn’t eat the popcorn or sugary drinks.

But Mason only saw the wall she’d built. Which is exactly why she’d built it in the first place. She couldn’t blame him for learning to only see what she’d wanted him to see. Even if the wall no longer existed in the same way. Even if it had taken her years to tear it down because to keep it would risk losing the most important people in her world.

Carina’s voice broke through the tension, her smile genuine as she turned to face Maya, amusement sparkling in her eyes.

“Your sister and I have been married for eighteen years,” She laughed, “people person or not, she’s never getting rid of me.”

Whether Mason’s sudden calm was real or forced, Maya couldn’t say. She was just relieved that the spell was broken and they could return to the distracting activity of getting ready for dinner.

Maya had no appetite as they sat down, her eyes taking in the meal Katherine had prepared – Mason’s favourites from childhood. She’d so rarely made them, often choosing her menus based on Lane’s instructions, so the sight of mashed potatoes and pot roast had Maya’s stomach churning. Lane’s ghost was everywhere, Maya was so on edge that she could barely keep track of the conversation, her hyper-vigilance born of all the years her father’s mood could lead to a horror show of broken plates and yelling.

“And I’m really into landscapes,” Hayden was saying, sitting next to Mason, “but Mom said you liked painting? Could you show me? I want to get into water colours, I think, do you do water colours, Uncle Mason?”

Mason cleared his throat, clearly surprised by Hayden’s exuberance, though Maya could see the Hayden charm doing its work. Her brother’s smile reached his eyes, he shoulders relaxed. He leaned closer to Hayden and Maya wanted to believe what she was seeing. She wanted to believe that Mason was good, that they could have this…this family. That she could have this.

“Landscapes?” Mason asked, clearly interested. “I’m surprised you’re not into that Anime junk like everyone else your age. The kids in my church draw it all over everything.”

“You have a church?” Hayden’s was genuinely curious, everything about him was open and kind. Maya was so distracted by her son’s sweet face that she totally lost track of the conversation. She was too enamoured by the slope of Hayden’s nose, but his ever-moving hands, by the small bandaid on his elbow left from a skateboarding experiment gone wrong.

Letting her children enter the world terrified Maya. She tried to follow Carina’s lead, encouraging both kids to be independent and self-sufficient. The last thing she wanted was to hold her babies back like Lane had held her back with his ceaseless need for control.

Except the teenager sitting across from her was her baby boy and he would always be her baby boy. He was the most joyful person Maya had ever met and what if darkness touched him? What if life’s cruelties found Hayden and dimmed that perfect smile?

And what if Mason was that cruelty?

What if Maya was allowing her son to sit next to someone dangerous, someone who could hurt him, someone who…

“Stai bene, Tesoro?”

Carina’s fingers lightly stroked the nape of Maya’s neck, her voice soft and private despite the number of people at the table. The touch was light, but it was enough to bring Maya back to earth, to still her spiralling mind. She turned her face to Carina, nodding a little, hoping to be reassuring.

“Sì, amore mio, sto bene,” Maya whispered, setting her hand on Carina’s knee under the table.

“Where are you from?”

Mason’s question cut through the moment, Maya’s temporary peace once again disturbed. She tore her eyes from Carina only to find her brother staring intently at her wife, studying her.

“Italy,” Carina said, “have you been?”

Mason shook his head. “Can’t say I have.”

“Mama is from Sicily,” Hayden explained, “which is the best part of Italy. As everyone knows.”

Carina snorted over her glass of wine. “E’vero.”

“Lo so, Mama,” Hayden said, his cheeky grin an exact mirror of the expression on Carina’s face.

It would be so easy to get caught up in the charm of her wife and her son. To ignore every other worry, to pretend that Mason’s interest was genuine.

Maybe it was.

“How long have you been in America?” Mason asked instead, still friendly, but Maya couldn’t shake the feeling that the serene expression on her brother’s face was a mask to hide something dark. Something that made the question the opposite of friendly interest.

If Carina felt the same way, she didn’t show it. Instead, she set her glass down and leaned back, her hand squeezing the back of Maya’s neck. Usually, Maya would find the touch soothing. Now it felt too intimate. Too revealing. The familiar sensation of Carina’s fingers lightly scratching worked its magic, though, and there was no way Maya would ever ask her wife to stop touching her.

Mason’s eyes followed the movement of Carina’s arm, hovering for a second longer than Maya thought necessary.

What was he reacting to?

The public display of affection? The idea that his sister was comfortable with such a thing. That she could be warm and loving, that someone loved her. And showed it without asking anything in return?

Or was it something else.

Was it the fact that his sister was bisexual and had a wife. A wife whose touch was chaste. Except it wouldn’t seem chaste to anyone who disapproved of people like her.

Them.

“A little over twenty years,” Carina said. “Almost twenty-five.”

Mason nodded, his eyes narrowed. “And what brought you here? You said you and Maya have been married for eighteen years so it obviously wasn’t my sister.”

“Oh, but I think it was,” Carina said, clearly teasing as she winked at Maya. “Like a magnet across the ocean. Plus, I married her for a Green Card so…”

Mason nearly spit out a mouthful of water. He coughed, trying to catch his breath while Hayden helpfully pat him on the back.

“Sorry,” Carina laughed, pressing a hand to her chest, waiting for Mason to settle.

He cleared his throat, flushed, and for the first time since his return, Maya recognized her little brother in the way Mason lowered his head and hunched his shoulders. That slightly embarrassed, self-conscious, shrug…

There he was.

“I actually came here to be closer to my brother,” Carina continued once she was sure Mason was listening again. “He was working at Grey-Sloan and I wanted to get funding for my research study at the time…so I just showed up! And I’ve been here ever since.”

Mason set down his napkin, the steely gaze back. “Research study?”

“It’s outdated now, but yes, I was interested in pain management and the female orgasm,” Carina explained, totally nonchalant.

Mason’s jaw dropped.

“Mama basically cured a bunch of different kinds of cancer,” Hayden said, who unlike his uncle was completely unperturbed by Carina’s statement.

He looked so proud, which in turn made Maya proud. It was important to her that the kids understood how extraordinary their Mama was. She wanted them to see her own pride in her wife, she wanted to model a relationship where marriage was a partnership – where she was Carina’s biggest fan and cheerleader just like Carina was her rock and strongest support.

“That’s…impressive,” Mason said. “Is your brother a doctor too?”

Carina’s smile waned, though it was still there. Wistful and sad.

“He was,” she said. “He died many years ago.”

Again, Maya saw something of the old Mason when he leaned forward in his chair, those blue eyes no longer ice. And then the ice returned, calculating, the open kindness replaced with guarded scrutiny.

“But you stayed in this country?” Mason asked, only for Katherine to tsk from her end of the table.

“Mason Edward Bishop,” she said, “Carina is your sister-in-law, not a security threat!”

“Oh, full-named by Gran?” Hayden stage-whispered, grimacing. “I’ll pray for you, Uncle Mason. I really will.”

Maya was about to speak up too, she was about to demand an explanation for Mason’s rude behaviour, she was about to defend her wife, but Carina didn’t seem offended at all as she bit her lip and shrugged.

“I stayed because I met this one,” Carina laughed, pointing at Maya. “And next thing I knew, I’d agreed to marry her against my better judgment…”

“Umm, you asked me,” Maya interrupted with a scoff.

Carina rolled her eyes. “You asked me first. I just wanted to get my way.”

“Wow,” Maya said. “The truth comes out.”

“As I was saying,” Carina winked before continuing. “We got married. A little over a year later, Jamie came into our lives. Then we got pregnant and the rest is history!”

Maya wanted to commend Carina for her proper idiom use, despite the fact that Carina’s idiom use had vastly improved over the years. Still, Maya would never miss an opportunity to gently tease her wife.

“Carina is being modest,” Katherine smiled, “she’s one of the most successful doctors in the world!”

“Well, I’m not sure about the world,” Carina said, blushing.

“I am,” Maya added, kissing Carina’s cheek, “definitely the world.”

“For sure the world!” Hayden agreed, nodding profusely.

Mason placed his cluttery next to his plate. He exhaled, his shoulders squared, the set of his lips enough to convey that the conversation was giving him a lot of feelings.

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” he said, catching Maya’s gaze. “You were raised to succeed and it seems you have. Maya has always been a winner. Isn’t that right, Mom?”

Shame and guilt flared in Maya’s gut. She lowered her head, unable to look across the table, unable to look at her son who was surly staring back in confused horror. She’d tried so hard to be better, to not be the monster, but Mason was pointing his finger at the festering truth and now her little boy was going to know. Was going to see.

“We’re more about doing your best and having fun,” Hayden said, his voice so casual that Maya’s head shot up in surprise. He was smiling at her, the same smile he’d smiled at her since he was a baby.

Nothing had changed. Mason’s words didn’t shift his perspective. All she saw was her Bam Bam. It brought back Jamie’s words from earlier in the day, and Maya realized how cruel she was being to herself. How little grace she was granting herself.

“Plus, no offense,” Hayden continued, completely unaware of Maya’s angst, “but your dad sounds like he was the worst. And Mom is nothing like him at all…she loses at Mario Kart all the time.”

“Hey!” Maya laughed, raising one finger. “It was once and you cheated!”

Hayden gasped in mock horror. “Mother, I thought you loved me!”

With Carina’s hand on her thigh, Mason’s effect was starting to fade. She felt loved – somehow in this space – she felt loved and it was that love that kept her afloat. That was her lifeline. She held onto it, greedy, and tried her best to lean in.

“I do, my Bam Bam,” she said, her eyes soft. “Even though you cheat at Mario Kart.”

Mason was the only person at the table who looked confused.

“Bam Bam?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Carina groaned, her fingers pinched as she explained. “It is short for bambino. Your sister has butchered my language and given my beautiful baby this stupido name.”

“Just accept it, Mama. I’m Bam,” Hayden said with a shrug. “I’m always going to be Bam.”

Katherine laughed, clasping her hands together, and it was almost easy to pretend that everything was normal. They were just a normal family sharing dinner on a Friday night. There was no underlying tension or words unspoken. There was nothing but warmth and shared affection and there definitely wasn’t the specter of Lane Bishop hiding in plain sight.

She rode the wave of feigned normalcy through dinner. It lasted as she helped Hayden clear the table and held steady while they shared dessert and coffee.

And then Katherine asked Carina for help choosing a bottle of wine for her upcoming book group meeting. Hayden joined them, which left Maya and Mason alone in the living room, awkwardly standing close.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?” Mason asked, not a hint of accusation in his tone. More hurt.

Maya scratched the back of her neck, resisting the urge to correct him. Bisexual.

“I couldn’t risk Dad finding out,” She explained, hoping he would understand. “I was terrified he would, so I just pushed it down and pretended I was normal. I didn’t even tell Mom – she walked in on me and Carina kissing in my office one day and that was how she found out.”

“It’s funny,” Mason said. “Dad spent all those years accusing me of being gay, remember? How he’d call me a faggot or a pansy. Turns out it was you all along.”

“Mason…”

“Imagine if you had told him the truth,” Mason continued, his voice still so soft. “He probably would’ve stopped being so hard on me about it…maybe he would’ve let me do art…or, at least, he would’ve stopped calling me a fag. But I guess it was easier to let me take the heat. He wouldn’t notice the truth about you if his focus was entirely on me.”

Guilt seared with such intensity that Maya reached out a hand to steady herself against the wall. She inhaled sharply, her heart beating in a way that made her chest hurt, that made her feel dizzy and nauseas.

“Mason,” she tried, “I…I didn’t…”

“No. You never did.”

She couldn’t say another word because Hayden burst into the room, practically skipping, a beam of sunlight in the midst of a storm.

“Uncle Mason you should totally come to the baseball game with us tomorrow!” He announced, just as Carina and Katherine appeared behind him.

No…no…NO

“Baseball?” Mason smiled, refusing to look at Maya.

“Uncle Mason doesn’t like baseball,” Maya managed to say, desperate to protect her much-needed family outing.

Her words had the opposite effect. Mason nearly sneered.

“I do like baseball,” he said. “Dad just never offered to buy me a ticket.”

Another stab. Another bleeding wound.

Maya pressed one hand to her stomach, seriously concerned she was about to throw up.

“Ugh, the worst!” Hayden announced, “but now you have to come with us. To make up for lost time!”

“Oh yes, you must,” Carina said, “and you can come for dinner after too. Katherine, will you join us?”

They all looked so happy. How could they not see her? How could Carina not see her?

Katherine was holding a bottle of wine and held it up. “My book club is meeting tomorrow afternoon and we always go into the evening. But you should all go and have fun. Plus, this way Mason can meet Jamie.”

Maya stood silently, unable to join in because her ears were full of static. She grit her teeth, desperately trying to steady her breathing, when Carina finally made eye contact. Those dark, perfect eyes widened, not enough for anyone else to notice, but enough to let Maya know that Carina could tell that something was wrong. There was no time to speak privately, no time for reassuring hugs or reminders to breathe.

So Maya forced herself to move forward. To go through the motions. To thank Katherine for a beautiful meal and to promise Mason that she would text him later with details. She managed to get into the car and sit behind the wheel and wait for Carina and Hayden to buckle their seatbelts.

Hayden talked the entire ride home, so excited, so innocent, but all Maya could hear was her brother’s voice.

You never did.

Faggot.

You…

Never…

Did…

She avoided Carina’s worried eyes as best she could, choosing instead to put all her energy into appearing totally fine for the kids. Her forced smile likely looked ghoulish as she listened to Hayden tell Jamie all about Uncle Mason, though she didn’t miss the slight pout on Jamie’s face when she found out Mason was coming to the game. The night dragged on, the voice in her head telling her to run so loud that she found it almost impossible to hold a conversation.

By the time the kids went to bed, Maya was so exhausted that she retreated to her bedroom, her relief quickly turning to dread when she realized that Carina was going to want to talk. Sure enough, Carina closed the door as she stepped into the room, her eyebrow already raised.

“Maya, are you okay?” She asked. “Because I thought tonight went well, but you…”

“Well? Did you miss the part where Mason grilled you about your immigration status?”

Carina clenched her jaw. “A little awkwardness is to be expected. It’s been twenty years! I am a stranger to him. Imagine if he had showed up with a wife and kids…would you greet them like old friends?”

It was so annoying that Carina was often right. Maya tore at the buttons on her shirt, frustrated to find her hands shaking.

“You could’ve at least asked me about inviting him to the game tomorrow!” She said, spinning around to point her finger at Carina. “And dinner too? You didn’t even look at me! You just…you…”

You didn’t see me.

Carina had managed to take off her clothes and slip into her robe and usually, her beauty would be enough to distract Maya from the day’s stress. But Maya didn’t want to give in like that, the righteous anger in her belly felt better than tears. Than confessing to her wife that she’d let her brother suffer to keep herself safe.

“Bambina,” Carina sighed, moving closer to Maya but giving her space. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you.”

Maya didn’t expect that. She was standing in just her boyshorts and bra and Carina’s apology extinguished the anger and broke the dam. The room was cold and she was naked and Carina was somehow too close and too far away all at the same time.

“Then why didn’t you?” Maya asked, her voice breaking.

Carina finally bridged the gap, her hands on Maya’s elbows. “Mi dispiace, amore mio. I can call and make an excuse? We can tell him Jamie isn’t up to it?”

“No. It’s fine.”

“It’s not. You’re not.”

Maya turned away, busying herself with a clean t-shirt and a new pair of shorts. She couldn’t run, so she did the next best thing and disappeared into their ensuite, hiding behind her nightly routine. They moved in silence, Carina shooting her worried glances that Maya did her best to ignore, despite the fact that her chest still felt so tight.

Faggot

Fag

You all along…

The silence continued as they climbed into bed and shut the lights, but the darkness also granted Maya the invisibility she so needed. Her mask could fall. She could fall. And when Carina turned onto her side, Maya did too, molding herself to Carina’s back. She swung her arm over Carina’s body, her hand sneaking beneath the hem of Carina’s t-shirt, gliding up smooth skin until she found Carina’s breast. With her nose buried in Carina’s hair and the perfect weight of her breast in Maya’s palm, Maya breathed in, closing her eyes, clinging to her wife as if Carina’s presence could erase Mason’s poison.

“Did…did something happen tonight?” Carina whispered, reaching behind to tangle her fingers in Maya’s hair.

Maya shook her head. She was safe here. She was Carina’s wife here. Not Mason’s sister. Not Lane’s daughter. Carina’s wife. Jamie and Hayden’s mom.

Not the monster. Not the ice.

“Amore mio,” Carina tried again, “please…if something happened I…”

“You love me, right? Even…even when I lose my temper or…I mess up…you love me even when I lose?”

Carina curved her hand over Maya’s, holding her to her breast. “Yes. And nothing will ever change that, Maya. Nothing, va bene?”

Imagine if you had told him the truth…

I guess it was easier to let me take the heat…

Faggot…

Maya nodded. Hoping it was true.

Chapter Text

Carina moaned, her head thrown back in ecstasy. She seemed beyond speech, her body doing all the talking – needy hands on Maya’s hips, wet thighs pressed to Maya’s, hard nipples, teasing as Maya angled her cock and thrust.

Maya was a little nervous, though she tried to hide it. Grief was tricky and she knew she had to trust Carina to make decisions for herself. They hadn’t had sex since Andrew’s death and now they were very much having sex and through the fog of lust, Maya wondered if this was a good idea.

Even though it felt like the best idea ever.

She hadn’t expected Carina to walk into their bedroom at 6PM on a random Thursday and announce that she was ready.

Gabriella had left only days before and Maya had noticed a change in her girlfriend. Her smiles came easier. She was more willing to go out, to see friends. There were still tears – so many tears – but she no longer shunned contact. She was no longer paralyzed on the kitchen floor.

Navigating Carina’s grief was proving to be one of the hardest things Maya had ever had to do. She wasn’t great with other people’s emotions, though she was trying to improve. In her line of work, she’d seen her fair share of dead bodies, but there was something about Andrew DeLuca’s corpse on a cold slab in the morgue that she couldn’t shake.

Not that she would ever be able to shake the sound of Carina’s screams. Or the sight of Carina sitting in a pool of her brother’s blood, wailing, the sound so animalistic that some primal part of Maya wanted to run away in fear.

She couldn’t run. She’d had to lean in.

It was torture not to touch Carina. But, she had to admit, it was equally hard not to have Carina touch her. Seeing her tactile, loving Carina so closed off was crushing. Maya had never considered herself someone who wanted touch – she’d actively shunned it for most of her life, the legacy of a cold father and an absent mother. And then Carina had burst into her world with graceful hands and soft lips, with fingers that always tangled in Maya’s hair, soothing her, loving her. Maya had come to need those touches, she craved them, and the loss of them had made Maya terrified that Andrew had taken Carina with him.

So this felt hopeful. With Carina’s taste on her tongue, Maya was flooded with relief, some of her worry finally ebbing because maybe Carina was healing. Watching the woman she loved suffer day after day while she stood by helpless had made Maya question whether she was doing everything she could, whether she was being supportive or a good girlfriend. Whether she was enough.

Carina slid her hands up Maya’s ribs, holding on as she cried out a word that sounded like Maya’s name, her head tipped against the pillows.

“Does it feel good, Babe?” Maya asked, huffing as she jerked her hips. She blushed as the pet-name left her lips. Since when was she someone who said things like “Babe” and “my love”?

 Yet the woman writhing beneath her was her love. Was her Babe.

Maya leaned down, the strap cutting into her thighs, needing to feel more of Carina. She pressed her lips against Carina’s neck, holding herself up on her elbows as she sucked Carina’s pulse point and thrust, addicted to Carina’s taste. Her smell. Her skin.

“Maya,” Carina called out, holding onto Maya’s shoulders, “there, Bambina…please…oh…Maya…there…”

With her eyes squeezed shut, Maya’s world became sensation. She licked Carina’s throat, greedy for the sweat, the salt, and listened to the wet sound of her cock moving in and out of Carina’s cunt, panting as she obeyed Carina’s wishes, as she stayed there, right there.

It was why she didn’t initially register the shift in Carina’s body. The hands on her shoulders squeezed, but Maya kept going, thrusting until Carina’s chest heaved.

“Babe?” Maya asked, slowing her movements so she could push herself up on her hands.

To her horror, Carina was sobbing, her gasps of pleasure replaced with heartbreaking, hiccupping tears.

“Shit,” Maya hissed, immediately pulling out and ridding herself of the dildo and harness. She tossed them off the bed, but remained hovering over Carina who hid her face in her hands.

“Carina, did that hurt? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong or…”

“My brother is dead.”

Maya swallowed hard, unsure what to do.

“My brother is dead and you make me feel so good and I do not deserve to feel this,” Carina wept, “he is dead and I am with you and Andrea is dead…”

Maya rolled onto her side, adjusting the blankets so that Carina was no longer sprawled naked. They were cuddled up together, intimate, but less exposed, and Maya let Carina have a moment to cry even though it was painful not to immediately jump in with comforting words. Instead, she lightly rubbed Carina’s arm and pressed soft kisses to her temple, hoping it made Carina feel less alone in her grief.

“You are allowed to feel good,” Maya finally said once Carina had calmed a little. Her face was stained with tears and she was still whimpering, but her breathing was back to normal. Maya brushed the wet streaks with her thumb, imagining that her skin was permanently stained with salt from all the tears she’d try to erase from Carina’s perfect face.

Carina’s chin wobbled as she shook her head. “He’s dead. I get this life…I get you…and he…”

“He would want you to have this life. He would want you to be happy, Carina.”

“But how can I be happy if he is not here?”

Maya didn’t have an answer for that one. Mainly because she and Carina lived with a similar pain. No matter how much success Maya found in her career, no matter how much love she’d found with Carina, a part of her would always miss Mason and wonder where he was.

“I don’t know,” Maya said, wanting to be honest. “And some days you won’t be. But some days you will and that’s okay.”

“He wanted love so badly…I think he dreamed of a family of his own. A wife and babies. He…he was so much better at relationships than I ever was…so how am I here and he is not? How am I the one to have this when he’s…”

“I feel the same way sometimes,” Maya confessed. “About Mason…”

Carina frowned, finally turned her face towards Maya. “What do you mean?”

“He was such a sweet kid. He was kind and gentle…he was a good person. I was none of those things, except he’s the one living on the street, suffering, and…I’m warm, in my bed, with you.”

“Maya, you are sweet and kind and gentle. You are a good person too.”

“I hope that’s true.”

“It is,” Carina whispered, cupping Maya’s cheek. “There’s a reason Andrea liked you best.”

“Out of all your former flames?” Maya raised an eyebrow, hoping the levity wouldn’t upset Carina. Her joke was met with a little smirk, enough to tell Maya that she hadn’t caused any offense.

“Do you think Mason would like me?”

Carina’s question caught Maya off-guard. She paused, unsure what to say because in truth, she didn’t know her brother anymore. She didn’t know what he liked or didn’t like. She didn’t even know if he was alive.

“He’d try to warn you about me,” Maya said, still trying to joke. “Maybe he’d even try to steal you…can’t say I’d blame him.”

“Maya…”

“Your brother would want you to be happy. He knew how much you loved him and how much you sacrificed for him. He’d want you to live your life, Carina. You deserve to live your life.”

Carina bit her lip, her eyes glassy. “I told him on the train about Mamma. That I was the one who told her to take him and go. He wasn’t angry with me. I was always scared that he would be…”

“He loved you. And you loved him.”

“I still love him. Not loved. Love.”

Maya leaned in to kiss Carina’s forehead, wrapping her arm around her as they curled into each other.  While she always loved being naked with Carina, now it felt a little strange, a little too intimate given Carina’s feelings. What had started as a passionate, enjoyable experience had turned into an outpouring of grief and the sight of the strap and glistening dildo on the ground made Maya wince.

“Hey,” she whispered, stroking Carina’s hair. “Want to get dressed and watch something silly?”

Fifteen minutes later, they were both showered and wearing sweatsuits with woolly socks. Maya had agreed to watch Dirty Dancing for the thirtieth time – only because it made Carina smile and Maya was willing to do pretty much anything to make Carina smile. They sat side by side on the bed, Carina cuddled against Maya’s chest, quiet but content as she absentmindedly picked at the m&ms Maya had brought from the kitchen.

Maya wasn’t really paying attention to the movie, far too attuned to Carina’s moods and needs to concentrate on anything else. She wished there was someone to call for advice, someone she could ask about helping her girlfriend through a loss this big. Her thoughts drifted to Mason again, how sweet he was as a child, how kind. He was the first to compliment Katherine’s cooking or offer to help clean up from dinner.

He'd probably handle this better. He’d probably know what to do without questioning himself every three seconds. He deserved…

“I’m sorry, Bambina,” Carina said, curling her fist into the front of Maya’s hoodie.

Maya nuzzled her cheek against the top of Carina’s head. “For what, Babe?”

“I really thought I was ready.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that. Never for that. Okay?”

“But…”

“We’re just going to take it slow. Whenever you feel like trying again, we’ll try. And if you have to stop, we’ll stop.”

Carina sat up, her fingers tracing Maya’s jaw. “Where did you come from, Maya Bishop?”

Before Maya could respond, Carina kissed her, soft and full of longing, a kiss that Maya recognized as something that belonged to them and only to them. She’d never kissed anyone else like this. She’d never sat in her bed cuddling, she’d never allowed anyone else to wear her clothes, and now Carina was decked out in her SFD joggers and hoodie.

Carina walked into her life and then walked into her home. She made Maya’s bed their bed and Maya’s clothes their clothes and Maya’s heart…

Maya’s heart firmly belonged to Carina DeLuca.

She thought back to the day Gabriella arrived – to that night when Carina had assured her that what they had was special and theirs.

Gabriella had pulled her aside before she left, her eyes sharp as they bore into Maya’s, but instead of harsh words of warning, Gabriella had squeezed Maya’s arm and those eyes turned glassy with unshed tears.

“She doesn’t know how to let anyone take care of her because no one ever has before,” Gabriella had whispered, as serious as Maya had ever seen her. “So I need you to take care of her. I am asking you to take care of her.”

For a moment, Maya wanted to run. She wasn’t a caretaker. She didn’t know how to do that. She was cold, she was cruel, she’d abandoned her little brother unlike Carina who had sacrificed everything for hers. How could she possibly know what to do? How could she possibly be the person to help someone as wonderful as Carina through her pain?

Yet here they were, weeks after Andrew’s death, and Carina was slowly starting to find her smile again. She was eating and showering and breathing.

And now she was looking at Maya with such open love, with gratitude. All Maya had done was love her. All she’d done was what anyone would do in the same circumstances. Except maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe Gabriella was right.

Maybe Maya wasn’t failing at this.

“I love you,” Maya said, blushing a little as she spoke, the words still a little foreign.

Carina inhaled, caught between laughter and tears, and when she tossed her arms around Maya and squeezed, Maya let herself take the win. She let herself believe for a moment that she was a good person, a kind person, a person capable of empathy.

A person worthy of Carina DeLuca.

~*~

Carina had the uncomfortable sensation that she was missing something.

She reviewed the evening before in her mind, trying to pick out what had specifically upset Maya so much that she was now sitting in T-Mobile Park, scowling, her body rigid as she sat next to Jamie.

Yes, there had been a few awkward moments. Mason had asked a few intrusive questions, but nothing had offended Carina – he was just being an obnoxious little brother. There was obvious tension between the Bishop siblings, but again, it was to be expected. Carina didn’t love some of Mason’s off-handed comments about Maya, except she also wasn’t surprised to hear them. Twenty years was a lifetime. It was multiple lifetimes. The version of Maya that Mason knew was not the woman Carina married. It wasn’t a bad thing.

The way Carina had behaved with Andrea was different than the way she behaved with friends or intimate partners. Despite their age, they’d instantly morph into children again, bickering and teasing with practiced ease. Carina had never seen what Maya and Mason were like as children, but two siblings poking at each other was nothing to cause any alarm.

Except Maya had woken up positively miserable.

It made no sense.

Carina did feel bad about inviting Mason without consulting her wife, she’d just been so caught up in Hayden’s excitement and she wanted Maya to have the opportunity to get to know Mason again. Maya had missed her brother for decades and now he was back and while Carina understood Maya’s hesitation and her worry, she could not quite make sense of Maya’s anger.

For his part, Mason sat next to Hayden, wearing a Mariner’s cap and t-shirt, looking for all the world like a friendly uncle. Maya had placed herself between the kids, but hadn’t said one word to her brother since the game started, which left Carina awkwardly leaning over Jamie, trying to be friendly while ignoring her pouting wife.

“Is there baseball where you live?” She asked, not caring in the least about baseball, but Maya looked like an insolent toddler and Carina was doing everything she could not to roll her eyes.

Mason shook his head. “Not really. The boys from my church have a team – I coach sometimes. We play all over the county.”

To make matters even more awkward, Jamie sat with narrowed eyes, her gaze shifting from Mason to Maya over and over, the firm set of her lips enough to tell Carina that she was not overly enthusiastic to be around her new uncle. Mason hadn’t said much to Jamie beyond an initial hello, but he seemed to be enjoying Hayden, so at least one DeLuca-Bishop was being hospitable.

Carina took Jamie’s hand, pulling her attention. “Are you feeling okay, Tesoro?”

“Sì, Mama. Is Mom okay?”

Maya stared straight ahead, her arms firmly crossed.

“Do you know my mom still holds the record for fastest ball thrown by a guest pitcher?” Hayden asked, preening a little in his seat.

Mason raised an eyebrow, his expression oddly neutral. “Is that true?”

“It is!” Hayden said, bumping Maya’s shoulder with his own. “She saved a ton of people on a cruise ship and the President gave her a medal and everything!”

Maya grimaced. “It was a really long time ago. I’m sure someone has beat the record by now.”

“Nope,” Jamie said. “Still you. Hayden and I check every year.”

Maya’s smile was genuine as she turned to Jamie. “Anyone come close?”

“No way,” Hayden scoffed. “Not by a longshot.”

Maya sat back, her shoulders relaxing, and Carina exhaled hoping that maybe, just maybe, they could have a pleasant afternoon.

“Another medal for the collection?” Mason asked. “You haven’t changed at all, Sis.”

Great. Just great…

Carina couldn’t tell if Mason was trying to upset Maya or if he was just making a comment. The Maya he’d grown up with had, by all accounts, been entirely focused on her Olympic dreams. To Mason, Maya and the Olympics were likely not a fond memory, though Carina didn’t blame Maya at all for that. She just hoped that eventually, Mason would see that Maya had changed. That she’d done so much work on herself to heal from Lane’s abuse.

Once again, Hayden stepped into the awkwardness, redirecting the conversation.

“Mom,” he said, his eyes following a food vendor coming up the stairs. “Can we get some popcorn?”

“Oh, and some gummy bears!” Jamie added, already raising her arm to get the vendor’s attention.

Maya laughed, digging into her pocket. “Sure. Anything else? Carina?”

“I want popcorn too,” Carina said. “And licorice…the red kind.”

Maya sighed, pulling out more money from her wallet. “Mason? What can I get you?”

“You mean you don’t have apple slices and bottles of water hidden in your bag?” He asked, looking genuinely curious.

Carina winced, about to interject, when Maya stood, her hand curled into a fist at her side.

“I’m not like Dad, okay?” She snapped, pointing at her brother. “My kids are allowed to eat whatever they want. I don’t take away their food, I don’t…I don’t…I’m not like him!”

Without another word, she stormed away, climbing over Jamie and Carina until she hit the stairs. Carina could only watch as she jogged towards the concession stands, disappearing into the crowd.

“What did she mean?” Hayden’s voice brought Carina back and she belatedly realized that she likely had two upset kids and a confused brother-in-law on her hands.

Sure enough, Jamie was looking over her shoulder towards wherever Maya had run too and Hayden was frowning, clearly confused. They’d told the kids that Lane was strict with food, but Maya never wanted them to know all the details. It was bad enough they knew that their grandfather was abusive. Telling them that he’d basically inflicted disordered eating on their mother was about as much as Maya was willing to share.

“Our Dad never let her buy food at the game. Or anywhere, really. He once caught her with a chocolate bar in her room – one of those little ones for Halloween – and he made her run extra laps in the rain for an entire week,” Mason explained with a shrug. “I guess I just expected she’d have the same rules.”

“Why would you expect that?” Jamie asked. Her tone wasn’t rude – Jamie had a way of getting to the point without offending people. She was direct and a strong judge of character, but Carina worried about Mason’s answer.

“She and Lane were really close,” Mason said, scratching the back of his neck. “She just seemed to go along with his rules about food. What she could eat and couldn’t eat. When she could eat. I thought it was her idea too.”

Carina bristled, the idea that Maya was a willing participant in Lane’s abuse setting her on edge.

“Maya was a child,” she said, pointed. “It was not her choice to deprive herself of food. Your father’s abuse looked different for each of you, but she was not exempt, Mason.”

Despite the warm day, the temperature seemed to drop a few degrees. Carina shivered, the sound of cheering fans so out of place in this moment. Mason sat back in his chair, his gaze distant as he took in her words, though it was impossible to tell whether he agree with her assessment or not. Unlike his sister whose eyes were so expressive, Mason had found a way to mask his emotions. He gave away nothing.

“We’ll be right back,” Jamie announced, yanking Hayden’s shirtsleeve. They were both up before Carina could ask why, scurrying away in the same direction they’d last seen Maya.

Mason cleared his throat and removed his hat. He was so physically like Maya – the same sharp jaw, the same high cheekbones. Lane’s eyes and Katherine’s smile. But all the pieces seemed off, all the beloved pieces were now unrecognizable as Carina tried to read Mason’s face. As she tried to understand the man sitting next to her.

Friend or foe?

Was he the wounded party or was he aiming to wound?

“They really love her,” he said, more to himself, staring down at his hands.

Carina nodded, distracted by the three empty seats between them. “Your sister is a wonderful mother. From the day we decided to adopt Jamie, she took to it instantly. They adore her…even as babies the way they would smile at the sound of her voice…”

“I didn’t mean to upset her,” Mason said. “I’m not trying to be rude. It’s just hard for me to reconcile the Maya I knew with who she is now. This whole mother and wife thing…it’s like watching a stranger with my sister’s face play house.”

“Maybe you should get to know this stranger then, no?”

Mason swallowed, his eyes darting to the floor, a perfect imitation of Maya trying to avoid a conversation.

“People change,” Carina continued. “I think you would agree that you have changed. Why not Maya too?”

“Do you really have a restraining order against my dad?”

The spring air did little to stop the chill from creeping up Carina’s spine. What was it about fathers?

And brothers, for that matter.

“Yes,” she said. “it took Katherine a few years to serve him with divorce papers. He started harassing her when she finally did, coming to the house, claiming he was entitled to her income, confronting Maya at work. Empty threats, but we were worried that he would escalate – and we couldn’t risk him getting close to the bambini.”

Mason leaned back in his chair, the brim of his hat casting shadow over his face. Whatever he was going to say next was silenced by the reappearance of Jamie and Hayden who both climbed over Carina, clutching bags of candy and popcorn. Carina laughed, tucking her legs under the chair as best she could, and when Maya followed, Carina was relieved to see her smiling too.

“Peace offering?” Maya said, handing Mason a box of Junior Mints.

He eyed it for a moment, one hand raised as if part of him had decided to accept his sister’s gift and another part wanted to refuse. Carina released a breath as he finally took the box, the awkwardness of the moment erased by Hayden cheering as the Mariners did something with the ball that Carina did not understand or care about.

“Licorice, as requested, Dr. DeLuca,” Maya said, handing Carina the candy as she tried to climb over Carina’s thighs. It took every ounce of self-restraint for Carina not to reach up and grab her wife’s ass.

With Maya finally settled again between the kids, Carina allowed herself to pretend that she’d gotten through to Mason. That soon there would be a proper reconciliation between the Bishop siblings and all would be right in the world.

In her world.

It was a pleasant fantasy.

Chapter Text

Carina woke naked and alone on her first Christmas as a mother.

While it wasn’t exactly what she’d had in mind, nothing could ruin her good mood. She stretched, pulling the blanket tightly around her body, the faded flannel soft against her skin. There was a dull throb between her legs, a most welcome reminder of the night before when Maya had laid down next to the Christmas tree and let Carina mount her, let Carina take and take and take.

Castle Rock was like something out of a dream.

From the moment they’d opened the door to the cabin, the world shifted into some fairyscape of endless joy. Maybe it was the season, maybe they were finally healing from the knife attack that had scarred Carina’s throat and darkened their lives with violence, maybe it was just the euphoria of knowing their little family was safe after months of waiting for Jamie’s adoption to go through. But lying in bed, watching the snow fall outside, Carina almost felt overwhelmed with happiness. She curled her arm around Maya’s pillow, burying her face in it, amused that despite the days of sex they’d had since starting their holiday, she couldn’t wait for more.

Most of all though, she couldn’t wait to see her little baby experience her very first Christmas.

Captain Dale’s brother had given them a generous rental rate and then the team at Maya’s former station had decorated the cabin, getting it all ready for the DeLuca-Bishops. There were lights around the roof, the tree, even three stockings by the fireplace. Carina wondered who’d been in charge of mistletoe placement because a little sprig hung in nearly every doorway. The world smelled like cinnamon and nutmeg, but mostly, the world smelled like Maya’s shampoo and Jamie, and Carina couldn’t remember feeling more at peace or more content.

Christmas was always a little complicated for her. She missed her Mamma and Andrea’s specter seemed especially present at this time of year. But Jamie had created balance in an unexpected way. For so long, Carina had only suffered losses. There was no growth. She lost her Mamma and then her brother, her family growing smaller and smaller. Jamie was the future. She was hope. In the face of loss, Jamie was a gain. Carina’s family was no longer shrinking, it was being made anew.

And it belonged entirely to her.

Even though she’d texted Vincenzo a luke-warm Merry Christmas, Carina didn’t feel overwhelmed with obligation or guilt like she usually did. Her entire focus was on her own family.

Her wife.

Her daughter.

Hers.

Katherine was off on a cruise with her sister, so Carina didn’t feel bad for taking Jamie away from her Gran for her very first Christmas either.

They’d locked themselves away, a precious cocoon that came in the form of a rustic cabin with kitschy décor that Carina found intensely American, but amusing nonetheless. It was no chalet or swanky lodge. But Carina surprisingly adored it – despite the creepy stuffed moose head above the fireplace. She wondered what it would be like to own such a place, to have a retreat for warm summer days or snowy nights. They were still happy in the condo, and they’d talked about eventually buying a house, but Carina let herself imagine a future where they could have a little cabin of their own.

A house, a cabin. A daughter. A wife.

Carina sat up, the blankets pooling around her hips. She looked down at herself, smirking to see the mouth-shaped bruises all over her breasts and chest. When she pushed the quilt away, she found identical marks on her inner thighs and one so close the small patch of trimmed curls between her legs that she blushed, rolling her eyes because her wife was insatiable.

The cabin was quiet once she finished in the bathroom and dressed in a pair of tights and one of Maya’s over-sized hoodies. She’d expected to find Maya in the kitchen making pancakes, Jamie close by in her highchair, but there was no sign of her wife or her baby anywhere. Carina wandered through the kitchen until she stood in front of the glass sliding doors that led onto the private deck and dock.

Maya was standing just beyond the doors, Jamie in her arms. They were both in snowsuits and toques, Jamie like a puffy starfish against Maya’s chest. Carina had left her own jacket and boots on the mat, so she quickly pulled them on, wanting to share this perfect moment on this perfect day.

The world was still.

It pressed in on Carina’s ears as she walked onto the deck, the only sound the soft crunch of her boots over snow. There was barely a breeze so even the trees were quiet, the frozen lake a white, icy sheet that hugged the dock and embankment across the way.

Maya had removed her glove and one of Jamie’s mitts. She held Jamie’s tiny hand in hers, cradled in her palm, and in the silence of the morning, they watched the snow fall with wide blue eyes. Jamie’s face was tilted upward, her mouth open in surprise as snowflakes hit her skin.

“That’s snow, Jamie,” Maya whispered, kissing one of Jamie’s red cheeks, her eyes glued to her baby.

“Do you know I used to do this with your Uncle Mason,” Maya continued, her back still to Carina. “Every Christmas morning he used to wake me up before anyone else in the house and we’d sneak outside to see if it snowed. He always claimed he could see Santa hiding behind the clouds…do you think Santa is up there, Baby T-Rex? He never was for me. But I think he is for you.”

Jamie huffed, curling her hand into a fist, and when she opened her hand and found it wet, she looked at Maya with a furrowed brow.

“Did it melt?” Maya laughed, kissing Jamie’s cheek again.

She swayed, the movement turning Jamie enough so that she finally caught sight of Carina.

“Ciao, piccolina,” Carina cooed, finally coming closer, finally allowing herself to be part of the moment.

Jamie wiggled, clapping her hands, reaching for Carina just as Maya extended her arm, reaching for her too.

They wanted her. These two rosy-cheeked miracles. They wanted her with them.

Carina took Jamie carefully, laughing again at the puffy snowsuit and the little blue pom pom on top of Jamie’s hat.

“Hey,” Maya whispered, setting her hands on Carina’s hips. “Merry Christmas, my love.”

“Buon Natale, cuore mio,” Carina said, leaning in to kiss Maya when a little wet hand landed on her lips.

Jamie’s giggly babble filled the air, as she apparently found the situation hilarious, especially when Carina playfully opened her mouth and nibbled Jamie’s fingers. Once Carina looked up, she realized that Maya was staring at her with hazy eyes, and once more she was reminded that all of this was hers and only hers.

There was a Christmas dinner at Captain Dale’s home later in the day, but otherwise, they had Christmas all to themselves.

Jamie spent most of the morning staring in awe at the tree, enamoured with the lights and sparkly ornaments, completely unaware that her mothers were equally enamoured with watching her experience every first. They opened presents and took turns kissing Jamie’s cheeks and the whole cabin smelled like Nonna’s cookies and hot chocolate.

When it was time for Jamie’s afternoon nap, Carina let Maya put her down, choosing instead to start cleaning up some of the wrapping paper. She knew they’d gone overboard on the presents, especially because so many people in Seattle had dropped off gifts for Jamie that still lay untouched under the tree in their apartment. But Carina eyed all the new onesies and books and toys with so much affection.

Because it was finally her turn.

It was her turn to buy tiny shoes and bath toys.

She was no longer the fun cousin on the side, the plus one, the third or fifth or ninth wheel.

Now she had a baby, she was a mother.

It was her turn.

Maybe it was selfish to think about it in that way, but Carina didn’t care. She’d waited so long. She’d wanted so desperately. So desperately that she truly believed the universe had somehow conspired to bring her Jamie.

As she wandered into the kitchen, even the sight of bottles drying in the rack was like some long-awaited Christmas gift. She felt like she’d unlocked a secret, like she’d joined the club – Christmas with her baby and her wife. All the songs made sense. All the cheesy movies made sense too.

“She was so cuddly, I just wanted to keep holding her,” Maya voice broke through Carina’s thoughts.

Carina turned, leaning against the counter. She lay her forearms over Maya’s shoulders when she finally came close enough, happy to be reunited.

“My big strong firefighter,” Carina laughed, taking in Maya’s flannel shirt. After their snowy morning, Carina had changed into one of Maya’s flannel shirts too. There was a joke to be made about queer wives and matching clothes, but Carina was too distracted by Maya to make it.

Especially because Maya looked impossibly handsome, like something right out of Carina’s guilty-pleasure romance novels.

Maya quirked an eyebrow. “Are you in need of any assistance, ma’am?”

“Me? I left my fiancée in the big city three days ago and now I’m here all alone and it’s Christmas.”

It took a second for Maya to pick up on what Carina was saying. She opened her mouth, brow furrowed, and then a slow, indulgent smile spread across her face.

“Did he treat you badly?” Maya asked, taking a step closer, her hands on Carina’s hips.

“Terribly.”

“Who knows, maybe you’ll find love in this little town?”

“Have anyone in mind?”

“Maybe.”

Maya grasped Carina’s hips, lifting her up to the counter. The effortless show of strength made Carina bite her lip – her wife was rugged and feminine all at the same time.

“What’s she like?” Carina asked, smoothing Maya’s shoulders.

Nimble fingers found the buttons on Carina’s shirt, working quickly to reveal her chest, to spread the flannel.

“Lucky,” Maya whispered, brushing her lips over Carina’s collarbone. “She’s lucky.”

Carina wasn’t surprised when Maya’s strong hands gripped her ribs. She arched her back, offering herself to Maya, expecting a needy mouth. What she got instead was Maya’s forehead pressed between her breasts, those beautiful hands sliding up, warm against Carina’s back.

“Did you really wake up early with Mason every Christmas morning?” Carina asked, teasing the soft hair at the nape of Maya’s neck. She kissed the top of Maya’s head, loving the way Maya was holding her, so close, so carefully. As if Carina might disappear.

Maya turned her face, her ear just above Carina’s heart, and there was no mistaking the tension in her body, the sudden shift to melancholy.

“Yes,” she confessed. “Until I told Mason that Santa wasn’t real.”

Carina winced, but never stopped stroking Maya’s hair, the words harsh but likely not the full story.

“He was only six,” Maya continued, her voice sounding so far away. “But that morning when he woke me up, I was so tired. Lane had kept me training until midnight…he wanted me to make the boys’ soccer team…they had better coaches, better prospects. We spent hours in the basement…he’d set up a net because it was too cold to play outside.”

“You were eight years old?”

Maya nodded. “When Mason woke me up, I could barely move my legs, I just wanted to sleep…I didn’t want to go outside. I didn’t want to go anywhere. So I told him that there was no such thing as Santa. Great big sister, hey?”

Carina took Maya’s face in her hands, forcing her back. Those blue eyes were cast down, unmistakably filled with shame.

“You were a child,” Carina said, brushing Maya’s cheek with her thumb. “You were trying to survive, Maya.”

“I survived by ruining Christmas for my baby brother.”

“Do you know that this is the best Christmas I have ever had?”

Maya raised her head, the shame replaced with an innocent hope that nearly stole Carina’s breath.

“You have made all of my dreams come true, Bambina,” Carina said, tracing Maya’s jaw until she reached the cleft in her chin. “Today has been magical, especially for Jamie, and that’s all because of you.”

“It doesn’t take away what I did to Mason.”

“Forgive yourself, my love. Be here with me and Jamie now. Not in the past. Look at what we have…what we’ve made together. A family or our own, a family no one can touch or take from us.”

Maya tightened her grip, her face flushed. “Just ours.”

“Just ours.”

The snow was their silent companion as they kissed, bright and clean against the window as Maya breathed Carina in, whimpering as they parted. She didn’t say another word, choosing instead to kiss Carina’s neck, her mouth hot as it descended, possessive and needy and everything Carina craved. When Maya’s lips closed around her nipple, Carina gasped, tipping her head back as she closed her eyes and gave in to her wife, her mind full of sleighbells and passion and aching softness because there was something about the way Maya sucked her, something that told Carina that Maya found comfort in it, that Maya sought comfort…

Carina sighed, curving her hand around the back of Maya’s head, letting her suck, letting her take and give and take more. Hoping she was enough. Hoping that her body, that her love, that their perfect little baby could heal the wound in Maya’s soul, left by a cruel father, an absent mother.

By a brother whose pain Maya had shouldered as her own.

By a family that tried to break her.

That tried and failed but had left a scar.

A scar Carina would spend the rest of her life trying to mend.

~*~

Carina vacillated between feeling good about their afternoon to feeling nothing but tension.

She kept her eye on Maya as Mason walked through their living room, his gaze steady and focused on every picture frame, every toss cushion. Whether he approved of the décor or not, Carina couldn’t say. Maya looked like she was about to hyperventilate.

Meanwhile, Hayden was flitting around his uncle, showing him drawings or asking him questions about art. Carina couldn’t help the smile on her lips at the sight of her son so happy. She couldn’t say the same for Jamie, though Jamie had grabbed a blanket as soon as they’d arrived home from the baseball game and disappeared into her bedroom. Despite insisting that she felt better, Carina sensed that Jamie was still feeling some lasting effects from her cold.

So there was Maya who was inexplicably watching her brother as if he might pull a gun and steal their car.

There was Hayden who so obviously wanted Mason to like him.

And then there was Jamie who was some combination of sick and suspicious of her new uncle.

Carina wasn’t sure which to address first. She chose to concentrate on the lasagna in the oven. Lasagna she could do.

It was a strategic meal choice. She couldn’t be sure of her brother-in-law’s taste, but most people seemed to like lasagna. There was also the fact that it was Maya’s favourite and Carina loved the little excited smile that still appeared on Maya’s face when she took her first bite. As if Carina didn’t always have a lasagna in the freezer so Maya would never go without, even when Carina was off travelling the world.

As they sat around their rarely used dining room table, Carina could visibly see Maya relaxing. Her shoulders dropped, the set of her jaw was less tense. She was quiet, but attentive, clearly paying attention to Mason and Hayden’s discussion about Hayden’s upcoming art show. Even Jamie seemed happier, though Carina noticed that Mason had yet to really speak to her beyond a few initial pleasantries at the start of the day.

Maya had described Mason as a shy child, so maybe Hayden’s gregarious nature was making Mason feel more welcome their house. And if that was the case, Carina was all for Mason paying attention to Hayden.

“This is really good,” Mason said, setting down his fork. He’d cleared his plate, just like his sister.

“Thank you,” Carina smiled. “It is Maya’s favourite, so I am glad you approve.”

“She’s always loved lasagna, even though my mom never made it,” Mason said, his gaze almost fond as he turned to Maya.

Carina quirked an eyebrow at her wife. “Really? And here I thought my lasagna was your one and only.”

“Yours is the best,” Maya said, blushing, “but not the first. Sorry, Love.”

Before either child or Mason could pick up on the accidentally inappropriate metaphor, Carina laughed, her hand pressed to her chest.

“Lasagna is how I convinced your sister to date me,” Carina explained, giggling when Maya buried her face in her hands.

Mason was smiling too and it was then that Carina saw the resemblance. His eyes sparkled and when that Bishop nose crinkled, Carina wanted to jump up and cheer. Could this be the turning point? Could this be the first step towards permanent healing?

“Oh?” He laughed, “I have to hear this one.”

Even Jamie and Hayden seemed interested, though they’d heard the story one thousand times. They were likely sensing a shift in mood, an ease of tension. Carina was feeling the relief of it too.

“After our first date,” Carina began, choosing date instead of hookup, “I went to Maya’s office with a Tupperware container of lasagna because I wanted to see her again. She nearly threw me out of her office!”

“Wait,” Maya said, raising her hand. “This story makes me sound terrible. I was just surprised, okay? At the time, I wasn’t really into relationships and then she just…appeared…at work! It was totally unprofessional.”

Carina had to bite her tongue because she wanted to remind Maya that bringing her lasagna was the least unprofessional thing they’d done in her office. But both Hayden and Jamie were shaking their heads, laughing as Maya’s ears turned pink – not to mention Mason who probably didn’t want to hear anything about what she and his sister were up to in the captain’s office at Station 19.

“We used to go out for dinner once a year,” Mason explained, “and she ordered lasagna every time.”

Maya exhaled, some of the laughter faded. “Lane’s birthday.”

“Yeah,” Mason nodded. “Lane’s birthday.”

“That’s the only time you went out for dinner?” Jamie asked, her question sobering even for Hayden who stared at Maya with sad eyes.

Maya took Jamie’s hand, serene. “Yes, but it doesn’t matter anymore. We don’t…”

“He always wanted to look good for the neighbours,” Mason interrupted, his face once more a mask. “Going out for dinner made it look like we were normal. He let us order anything we wanted off the menu.”

“But what about Gran’s birthday?” Hayden frowned. “Why just his?”

Mason’s lips lifted in the corner, but there was no humour in it. He looked at Maya and she looked back, a silent conversation, a shared pain.

“He wasn’t a generous man,” Maya said, brushing her thumb over Jamie’s knuckles. “And he didn’t treat Gran well. So that’s our job now, right?”

Every year on Katherine’s birthday, Maya insisted on taking her out for dinner. No matter how busy they were, Maya always made sure that Katherine was celebrated. Carina studied Maya’s profile, the graceful cheekbone, the long eyelashes, and for a moment she imagined Maya as a child, a child who dreamed of celebrating her mother’s birthday but who was powerless.

The rest of the conversation was lost on Carina. She settled her hand on Maya’s thigh underneath the table, her mind fusing connections where none had previous existed. Katherine’s birthday dinner. Lasagna. There was so much that Maya still kept close to the chest, though it was unclear whether she was trying to protect herself or their family.

After all these years, Maya was still full of surprises.

For the most part, dinner continued without much drama. They kept the conversation light – the baseball game, Hayden’s art show, Carina’s next travel destination. As they began clearing the table, Carina was ready to call the night a success. She was so pleased that when Mason disappeared to use the bathroom, she didn’t notice that he was gone for longer than expected. Nor did she realize that Maya had followed him. Hayden and Jamie were at the sink, cleaning dishes, bickering back and forth about who would do the washing and who would do the drying. She joined in, playfully nagging at them if they missed a spot or chiding them for bickering at each other in the first place. There was a lot of gesturing and a lot of Italian and by the time everyone was ready for dessert, Carina realized that the Bishop siblings were still out of sight.

Carina was carrying a plate of cannoli into the family room when she saw Mason leave her office. His expression was blank, unbothered, which is why Carina nearly dropped her plate as Maya appeared behind him.

Unlike her brother, Maya looked ill. Her breathing was laboured and her eyes were so round. Even from across the room, Carina could tell her hands were shaking.

“So, Hayden, are you interested in checking out the boy’s church group this week?” Mason asked, sitting on the couch. He grinned as Hayden sat next to him, paying no attention to Jamie who took one of the overstuffed chairs nearby. Maya’s panic increased. She looked like she was going to pass out.

“Can I?” Hayden bounced up and down, looking from Carina to Maya.

Carina’s first instinct was to say yes, but she’d learned her lesson the night before. She tried to catch Maya’s eye, an impossible task given Maya’s refusal to look at her.

“Is it LGBTQ friendly?” Jamie asked.

Mason frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Do you accept families like my family?” Jamie explained. “Hayden has two moms, is that going to be a problem?”

Hayden’s groaned, tipping his head back. “Of course Uncle Mason’s church is fine with it! He wouldn’t be part of something if it wasn’t!”

“It’s a group for young men,” Mason said, side-stepping Jamie’s question. “Mostly Hayden’s age. We work on life skills, sports, citizenship. My church back home even does an annual camping trip that teaches survival skills. That’s why I’m in Seattle, actually. To help the church expand its programming.”

“I already go on a guy’s camping trip,” Hayden said. “The next one is in a few weeks! It’s me and a bunch of Mom’s old fire fighter friends and some of the doctors from Mama’s hospital.”

“That’s good,” Mason squeezed Hayden’s shoulder. “Spending time around men is important for a boy your age.”

Carina wasn’t sure how she felt about Mason’s phrasing, though she couldn’t deny that they felt the same way. They were lucky that their village included a lot of good, decent men who were more than happy to answer Hayden’s questions or spend time with him. But Hayden never expressed any discomfort in their family unit. He never voiced any frustrations with the lack of male presence in their home – if anything, he seemed to quite enjoy being the only boy around. Likely because all the women in his life loved him to pieces and not a moment went by where he was made to feel anything but adored.

Just last month, Carina had walked into the bathroom at one of Station 19’s clinic days only to find her son shirtless with a face full of shaving cream while Vargas, Travis, and Jack taught him how to shave. They were shirtless too and the image of three burly firefighters covered in shaving cream next to Hayden who was all arms and legs still made Carina giggle when she thought about it.

“So can I?” Hayden asked again, looking hopeful.

“Mom and I will talk about it,” Carina said, praying that Maya would find it an acceptable answer. Maya’s head shot up, her face flush, and Carina knew then that she was in for a long night.

Mason nodded and then placed a card on the coffee table. “Feel free to look us up. We have a webpage, all above board. But we’d love to have you with us, Hayden.”

The DeLuca-Bishops were not exactly a church-going family, despite all the San Floriano necklaces. Carina knew that some youth groups rented churches to hold their gatherings, so maybe that’s what this was? Mason hadn’t said anything about religion. He hadn’t made any comments about his personal beliefs or even what his church believed. And if there was a website, surly they could properly vet the group and make sure it aligned with their own values.

The rest of the night continued without an outburst. Mason stayed later than expected, his focus entirely on Hayden who basked in the attention. He set up some of his drawings on the kitchen table and Mason commented on each one, making suggestions or commending Hayden’s work. Eventually, Jamie excused herself, disappearing up the stairs, but all the while Maya sat on the couch, silent, ringing her hands.

She barely managed a goodnight for her brothers, though she mustered a hug for Hayden when he went up to bed forty-five minutes after Mason’s departure. Her hand curved around the back of his head, holding him, clinging for a moment longer than necessary for a casual goodnight hug.

Carina could only brace herself and pray that Maya was in a sharing mood by the time they made it to their bedroom. She let Maya go upstairs first, choosing instead to do a lap around the house, ensuring doors were locked and the alarm was set. The kids had done a good job of the dishes and Carina was satisfied that her kitchen was mostly clean too.

Everything was in its place. Despite Mason’s visit, nothing had changed, nothing had been permanently altered. Before joining her wife, Carina dipped into her office, turning on the desk lamp. She looked around the space, searching for any sign that Mason had been here. There was a small stack of SFD paperwork on her desk and an empty coffee mug beside it. Her favourite old plaid blanket was still on the couch, though how and when it had migrated from the cabin, Carina couldn’t be sure. She was about to close the light and leave when her gaze drifted to the shelves.

The Samuels Award was mostly gathering dust, its glassy surface dull in the lamplight. Maya’s Olympic medal was in a frame sitting next to it, but Carina frowned upon realizing that it had fallen over. She reached up, setting the frame right, relieved to see nothing had been damaged. The medal had lived in Maya’s office at 77 for many years until the kids insisted that Maya display it at home. They were so proud of her, so proud of all she had accomplished, so for the first time in many years, Maya had agreed to putting the medal somewhere visible.

She didn’t want it on the mantle piece, but as soon as Carina placed it next to the Samuels Award, they both agreed that it looked right. Two great accomplishments that were nothing compared to the family they had built. The love that they shared.

Carina took a step back, ensuring everything was now in its place.

The bedroom was quiet when she finally entered. She closed the door, careful not to make any noises lest she wake the kids, but before she could move further into the room, Maya stormed out of the ensuite.

“Did you not listen to a word I said last night?” She hissed, pointing at Carina, her nostrils flared.

Carina blinked, beyond confused. “What do you mean?”

“Church, Carina? Really? We’re letting Hayden go to my brother’s church?”

“Maya,” Carina sighed. “I said we’d talk about it. Not that he could go!”

“There’s nothing to talk about!”

“Why are you being like this? Mason was nothing but polite tonight! He was so sweet with Hayden and he seems to genuinely want a relationship with us. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

Maya circled the bed, her fists clenched at her sides. “You want a relationship. That’s what this is. You wish it was Andrew and…”

“Stop. Now. Don’t you dare finish that sentence! Don’t you dare.”

Carina’s confusion was quickly being replaced with anger. She knew that Maya lashed out when she felt cornered, but there were some lines Carina was not willing to cross. And she didn’t want Andrea anywhere near the conversation.

“I feel like I am missing something,” Carina said, raising both hands. “Did something happen? Did he say something or…non lo so, Maya, please, help me understand why you are so angry!”

Maya lowered her head, her breathing laboured. “Nothing happened! I just don’t want Hayden going to church, okay? We don’t know Mason at all. He could be some kind of psychopath like Lane and I can’t believe you’re so ready to put our son in danger!”

“You think I would put Hayden in danger?” Carina barked, trying to keep her voice down. “Really, Maya? That is what you think?”

“You don’t know Mason! You don’t know anything about this group, you…”

“And that is why I said we would talk about it! He gave us a website, we can make a few phone calls…”

“Why won’t you just listen to me?”

Carina pinched the bridge of her nose. “I am trying, Bambina, but I feel like you are not telling me something and it is driving me crazy! Please! Did he say something to you when you were in my office? Did he hurt you?”

“No! I’m the one who…”

Whatever Maya was going to say quickly petered out. Her eyes widened in shock and then she was grabbing her pillow and a t-shirt from the drawer, moving in such haste that Carina could barely keep up with what was happening.

“Maya,” Carina tried, frozen in place, “what…amore mio, please talk to me…”

But Maya was having none of it.

“I’m going to sleep downstairs,” she said, her arms full. “I need some space.”

Carina shook her head. “I do not like this, Maya. You know I do not like sleeping in separate beds when we are upset with each other.”

“Not everything is about you!” Maya stormed out, brushing by Carina in almost a sprint, and while usually Carina would follow her, her own anger kept her from doing so.

There were certain rules that Carina held sacred in her marriage. She’d told Maya from the very beginning that her greatest fear was becoming her parents. Shouting matches and cold shoulders. Going to bed angry was one thing, sometimes it was unavoidable. But sleeping in separate beds? It was still so triggering. It instantly took her back to her childhood and filled her brain with what ifs.

What if one night turned into two?

What if this was the moment their marriage started to fall apart?

What if she couldn’t fix this?

Carina knew Maya better than she knew herself and it was more than obvious that she wasn’t being fully honest. She was keeping secrets, she was hiding from Carina, and it all combined to make Carina too anxious to sleep. The room felt too big without Maya. It all just felt wrong. Like it wasn’t actually her room, but some cheap imitation.

Maya had tussled the blankets in her moment of escape, so Carina fixed them before crawling into her side of the bed, settling into the gloom. She told herself that all would be better in the daylight. Carina turned on her side, missing the warmth of Maya’s body, missing her favourite place, Maya neck. The place she’d found peace and comfort for nearly twenty years.

A soft knock on the door pulled Carina from her sadness. She raised herself on one elbow, whispering come in, hoping it was Maya who couldn’t sleep without her either.

But it was Jamie in the doorway, the sound of her breathing enough to let Carina know that something wasn’t right.

“Mama?” Jamie said, coming closer. “I don’t feel good.”

Carina sat up and pulled back the blanket. “Vieni qui, Tesoro.”

Jamie didn’t say anything about Maya’s absence. She quickly cuddled up to Carina, her head heavy on Carina’s shoulder.

“Do you have a fever?” Carina asked, pressing her hand to Jamie’s cheek.

Jamie shivered, but shook her head. “I took some Tylenol. My chest feels heavy and I can’t sleep…I’m so tired, Mama.”

“Okay, amore mio, you might still be a bit congested. Is it difficult to breathe?”

“No. I just don’t feel…right and I didn’t want to be alone anymore.”

Carina wrapped Jamie in her arms, stroking her hair as Jamie started to settle. She smiled in the darkness, all her frustration melting away. These moment were precious, they made the hard days worth it. For as much as Carina irrationally feared following in her mother’s footsteps, she knew without a doubt that she and Lucia would not share the same path.

Lucia had left Carina to face her difficult nights alone, to walk through the world without the reassurance of her presence. At sixteen, Carina’s safety net disappeared. Jamie would be seventeen next year and Carina would always be beside her, behind her. Carina would always be her shoulder and her strength.

She would figure out what was going on with Maya. She would kiss her wife and hold her too and bring her back to their bed. But in the meantime, her son was sleeping safely down the hall and Jamie was cuddled close, her teenager who knew that even in the dark, even in the night, she would never fall because Carina would always catch her.

Carina kissed Jamie’s forehead and closed her eyes, her mind drifting to Maya downstairs in the guest room. Hoping she wasn’t cold. Hoping she was okay.

Chapter Text

The shower had run cold minutes before, but Maya couldn’t move. She perched on all fours, her chest heaving as she wept, the sound muffled by the running water.

Carina was alive. She’d opened her eyes and she’d spoken to Maya and she was alive. She’d held Jamie’s hand and smiled sweetly at Hayden and promised them tomorrow.

Twenty-four hours before, they’d left the house for the day, taking separate cars so Maya could drop off the kids at daycare and check in at 77 before heading to the clinic at 19.

And then the world ended. Maya’s world ended.

She knew she was screaming, a high-pitched keening sound from the back of her throat that she couldn’t seem to stop, despite wanting desperately to stop. There was no time for this. She had a duty, she had obligations, she had children who needed their mother. But at some point between throwing up and collapsing onto her knees, she’d started screaming. Against her will.

The kids were supposed to be at Katherine’s house, but after their visit with Carina, they’d both started crying on the way to the car.

Hayden’s sleep schedule was all but destroyed and Jamie was out of sorts too. They’d been shuffled back and forth from Carina’s office to the ICU and then home and Maya couldn’t begin to imagine how confused they were. So Katherine suggested they go to Maya’s house instead. She’d spend the night, but the kids could be in their own beds, which would leave Maya free to return to the hospital.

Leaving the hospital had nearly given Maya a panic attack. She logically understood that Carina was sleeping and getting the babies home was what Carina would want her to do. Maya just couldn’t bear the thought of being away from Carina. Not after…not when…

The water beat down on her back, a constant reminder that she was still breathing, that she had no choice but to experience…this. To feel it. All the awful pain that she’d choked back, all the fear. She’d already thrown up twice since getting home, the familiarity of her own bathroom and her own shower enough to soothe her subconscious into a false sense of safety. Somewhere in the house, Katherine was preparing snacks for the kids and the last thing Maya wanted was her mother finding her shivering, nearly passed out, naked, screaming like she’d lost her mind.

Never mind the fact that she’d lost her mind.

People weren’t supposed to see the things she saw. They weren’t supposed to see severed limbs on the floor. They weren’t supposed to watch the love of their life die. And now Carina’s body had been brutalized, cut open and stapled and stitched. Carina’s body…

Maya was scared. She was scared of how much she was feeling. She was scared she wouldn’t be able to handle seeing Carina’s wound. She was scared she couldn’t take care of her kids or be the wife Carina needed. She was scared that Carina really was dead and this was all a dream, a fantasy constructed by her broken mind to hide the truth.

She was so scared.

And the only person who could comfort her, who could take away all of her worries, was lying in a hospital bed, barely conscious.

Maya squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her forehead into the cold tile, forcing a deep breath and then another. She curled her hands into fist, trying so hard to hold onto something…anything.

Carina was alive. She’d opened her eyes and she’d spoken to Maya and she was alive.

Eventually, Maya found the strength to stand. She turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel, shaking as she stepped out of the shower. The towel was soft, some expensive brand that Carina insisted on buying, and Maya tugged it closer, imagining she could feel Carina’s hands on her biceps, rubbing up and down.

“We need to get you warm, Bambina…”

Maya’s hysteria had given away to numb disassociation. Every bone in her body ached, a reminder that she’d been thrown into a wall by the blast. Other than a few scattered bruises marring her shoulder and back, she’d walked out of Station 19 unscathed. Even the small contusion on her hairline had already scabbed over. Superficial. Nothing.

She wished more than anything that it was her in that hospital bed. That it was her suffering, hurting, torn apart. Anything to spare Carina from what she’d already had to survive.

It was difficult to put thoughts together. On some level, Maya registered that she needed to get dressed if she wanted to go see Carina again, but choosing clothes felt so meaningless. Why did it matter? She pulled out an old pair of jeans and a Mariner’s sweatshirt that Carina liked to sleep in during Maya’s overnight shifts.

The silence of the room was oppressive. There was no banter, no trail of clothes from the closet to the bed, evidence of Carina’s inability to pick her daily outfit. No Italian, no laughter, no sighs. Maya could barely remember yesterday’s morning, but she remembered the night before. Carina’s hands, her chest, the spot between her breasts where Maya liked to kiss, to press her face, to rest. Was it still there? Was Carina’s heart still beating? Would it feel the same beneath Maya’s lips?

Maya sunk onto the bed, exhausted. She needed to go. She needed…

The door swung open without warning, forcing her to look up. She expected Katherine, but instead Hayden toddled in, wearing just his diaper and a little blue t-shirt. He dragged Spidey in one hand, though he dropped it as soon as he saw Maya.

“Mommy,” he called with a yawn, already reaching for her as he made it to the bed.

She scooped him up, surprised to see him out of his crib.

“Did Gran let you out?” Maya asked, running her fingers through his curls. “Or did you climb, Mr. DeLuca-Bishop?”

Hayden wrapped his arms around Maya’s neck and snuggled in, his tiny face pressed just beneath her jaw. It was so unlike him to be still. Usually, he’d be running around the room, full of the zoomies, trying to get her to join him. Now he was a sleepy bundle, all chubby thighs and teeny tiny toes. Maya rubbed his back, wondering if she could lull him back to sleep, but Hayden surprised her again, leaning away. Instead of his usual smile, he looked serious as he stared at Maya’s face.

“Mama seeping,” he said with a little nod.

Maya bit her lip, the tears so close. “That’s right. She’s sleeping.”

“No, Mommy. Mama seeping.”

He was so serious, his little pout too much like Carina’s for Maya to hold back any longer. She didn’t want to scare him, but she swallowed a sob, incapable of stopping tears from dripping down her cheeks. Hayden traced one wet track with his little fingers before taking her face in his hands.

“Mama seeping,” he whispered, his eyes wide.

And that’s when she realized what he was trying to do. He was trying to reassure her, to bring her comfort. He wasn’t asking her if Carina was sleeping. He was telling her that his Mama was sleeping and everything was okay.

She was sleeping. Just sleeping. Not dead. Not gone. Asleep.

“You’re right, Bam,” Maya said, so in love with her kind little boy.

He smiled then, a brilliant, glittering smile and the knot in Maya’s chest disappeared. She held him, unwilling to let go for even a second, studying the shape of his chin, his sloping nose. The beautiful thick brown hair that curled over his ears.

Her little Carina. Their shared dream. Precious beyond words. Perfect.

“Seeping,” Hayden said one more time before curling up beneath her chin, his little hand tucked into her collar.

Maya kissed the top of his head, rocking gently, amazed that her baby boy was strong enough to hold her up, to carry her through. His Mama’s eyes and his Mama’s nose and his Mama’s heart. Without a doubt.

~*~

There was a moment at dinner when Maya thought maybe, just maybe, they’d turned a corner. She’d let her guard down, giving in to the warmth of her family and the longing she’d lived with for twenty years. Mason was sitting at her table. Talking to her wife. Her children. He was smiling and healthy and he was here.

Hope flared, a feeling that still scared Maya, but she leaned in because underneath the fear, the hope felt so good.

It was why she decided to check up on her brother after he’d stepped away to use the bathroom. He’d been gone just a little too long and she wanted to be sure he was okay. With Carina and the kids in the kitchen, Maya rose from the table and turned into the hallway, expecting to find the bathroom door closed. Instead, it was wide open, the room dark. Empty.

The light from Carina’s office drew her attention – she didn’t remember seeing it on earlier in the evening.

Mason stood with his back to the door, his focus on the shelves behind Carina’s desk. He was so still, even from across the room, Maya could tell that his arms were crossed, and she wondered what had him so pensive.

“Everything okay?” She asked, shoving her hands in her pockets as he turned around.

Her medal was in a frame next to Carina’s Samuel’s Award. The mystery of Mason’s curious snooping was solved.

“Did Carina really win a Samuel’s Award?” He asked, gesturing with his thumb over his shoulder.

Maya grinned, puffing out her chest. “She did. About eleven years ago.”

Even though Carina’s career had only grown since winning the Samuel’s, Maya would always feel intense pride in her wife for this particular accolade. Not only because it was basically a Nobel Prize, but because it was a constant reminder of all Carina had survived. Maya would never forget how the audience gave Carina a standing ovation before she’d uttered a word of her speech. Her wife was a hero. Braver than the most experienced firefighter and more resilient too.

Mason’s arms were still crossed and when his lips twitched, Maya couldn’t tell if it was a smile or something less positive.

“Another trophy for your collection?” He said, the smirk only deepening Maya’s confusion.

Was he trying to make a joke? Was he calling Carina a trophy wife? Was he implying that Maya had collected Carina because it made her look good?

Or was he literally talking about the glass award on the shelf?

Her constant inability to read him was making Maya feel unbalanced.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it,” Mason said, ignoring Maya’s frown, choosing instead to pick up her framed medal. The smirk was gone, replaced with what might be sadness, his voice soft and far away.

“If it was up to me, it would still be gathering dust in my office at headquarters,” Maya said with a shrug.

“Really? I’m honestly surprised it’s not nailed to your front door for all to see.”

“The only reason it’s here is because my kids want it to be here.”

Mason quirked an eyebrow, skeptical, and something about his disapproving glance was so much like Lane that Maya’s palms started to sweat.

“For a long time, it was hard for me to look at it,” she tried to explain, feeling like she owed that to Mason. “Once I accepted that Lane was abusive, the medal became this symbol of all the messed-up things he did to me…to us. It took almost losing Carina to see Dad for what he was and I didn’t want a reminder of that either.”

“And now?”

“As I said, it’s here for my kids.”

“They’re proud of you.”

Maya swallowed hard, wondering why every word out of Mason’s mouth made her cower when he was speaking so softly.

“I guess so,” she whispered, fidgeting with her wedding ring.

Mason’s frown deepened as he looked down at the medal. “You didn’t tell them about that day, did you?”

“You mean…”

“Sure, you told them about winning and your sprained ankle. But did you tell them the whole story?”

“No,” Maya said, crossing her arms too. “They know you’ve struggled with addiction. I’ve been pretty open about the fact that addiction runs in our family. But I didn’t tell them all the details of your overdose.”

“Didn’t want to tarnish the golden moment.”

“That’s not…”

“Dad used to keep this thing on the mantle, remember?” Mason asked, setting the frame down. “I hated it.”

“Mason…”

“The second you crossed the finish line, I knew my life was over. I was nothing and you…you were an Olympic champion. America’s sweetheart. Seeing the medal every day after that? It’s why I finally left for good.”

Maya stared in horror, guilt gnawing at every fibre of her being.

“I’m so sorry, Mason,” she said, “if I’d known…”

“You did know. I’m not sure who you’re trying to fool with this repentant, well-adjusted act. Your wife isn’t here. Your kids aren’t here. Be honest, Maya. I ruined the best day of your life because I chose to shoot up instead of cheering you on like the rest of the world. And you hated me for it.”

“That’s not true!” Maya cried, taking a step closer. “I begged Dad to come home early from London! I tried to use some of my winnings to send you to rehab. He wouldn’t let me. He took control of my finances, he…”

Mason raised one hand, silencing her. “One of the first things I learned in rehab is the importance of taking responsibility for your own actions. When are you going to stop blaming Dad for every bad decision you’ve ever made?”

“That’s not fair,” Maya said. “I…”

“Then take some responsibility! You were his little lap dog! You didn’t visit me in the hospital once and then when I finally came home, you wouldn’t even look at me! Why is it so hard for you to tell the truth?”

“I was scared, okay? You looked…Mason…you were so sick and Dad was so angry about my ankle…they were making me go on TV and pretend that my career wasn’t over and…”

“All about you. Your ankle. Your career. I wanted to die, Maya. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To live day in and day out wishing the whole thing would stop?”

“I do!” Maya confessed, “Thinking about dying was the only way I could sleep for years, Mason. Years.”

He stared at her, inhaling as he clenched his jaw, his eyes cold. “I don’t know how you do it, but somehow you make everything about you. How does your wife stand it? You take up so much room that no one else can breathe, Maya.”

How does your wife stand it?

Maya wanted to scream, she wanted to tell Mason to get out of her house and never come back. He was already out of the office by the time she was able to move her feet and even then, she couldn’t seem to pull herself together.

Was he right? Was she still the selfish person who destroyed everything and everyone in her path on the road to victory. She thought about her job, about how much time she spent away from her kids, from Carina, and for what? Because she wanted to be chief someday. Had she even considered the cost? Was she going to lose her family? Would they eventually see what Mason so clearly saw?

Maya stumbled out of the room, her heart pounding and breaking all at once.

Chapter Text

Diane Lewis would say that Maya’s current coping methods were unhealthy, at the very least.

All Maya had to do was take the elevator two floors down and Diane would welcome her in, still smirking after all these years, still able to read Maya with barely a word exchanged.

The easiest thing in the world would be to tell Carina the truth. She could explain that Mason had said some difficult things and then Carina would insist that Maya was a good person, that she wasn’t a monster, that she wasn’t to blame for Mason’s pain. Somehow, those perfect eyes would convince Maya that maybe, just maybe, Carina was right. And then she’d fall into Carina’s arms and let Carina hold her and pretend that she deserved her wife’s love and warmth.

Maya didn’t want that.

She’d struggled for years with whether or not she deserved the life she had. Hours of therapy and introspection had lulled her into believing that she was worthy of her wife and her children. But Mason was a beacon of truth. He was an uncomfortable reminder that she’d gone soft, that she’d given into weakness, that she’d let herself believe lies because it was easy to believe lies.

The truth just hurt so much.

So Maya stayed in the guest room, stubbornly avoiding Carina because one look would break her. And she just couldn’t stomach Carina’s absolution.

It didn’t help that Mason was everywhere now.

He used to be a ghost. A flash in the corner of her eye every time she drove past an encampment. The irony was not lost on her that for twenty years, she’d wanted exactly this and now it was like a living nightmare.

Mason was at Katherine’s house. When Katherine came over for dinner, Mason came too.

Even worse, one of Hayden’s classmates attended Mason’s church group, and next thing Maya knew, Hayden was in a carpool, off to a community centre across town because when the classmate’s father called to ask if Hayden would want to join them, Maya couldn’t bring herself to say no. She couldn’t tell this random person that her brother was a constant reminder of every sin she’d ever committed and the sight of him alone was enough to make her nauseas.

Hayden came home all happiness. They’d played basketball. Someone brought cookies. That was it. No God talk. No fire and brimstone. Just a group of fifteen teenagers, hanging out.

He’d gone to two additional meetings, each one more mundane than the last. And while Maya could tell that Carina was trying to be respectful of her wishes, her wife was understandably frustrated with Maya’s cold shoulder and paranoia.

Sweat dripped down Maya’s back as she checked her watch for the sixth time. She cradled her phone between her shoulder and cheek, her anxiety building with every minute that ticked by because she was late for Hayden’s art show and the mayor would not shut up and she couldn’t tell the mayor of Seattle to shut up.

He asked the same questions over and over and Maya answered the same way every time.

No, there were no more misused funds he needed to know about.

Yes, she was aware of Grady’s overspending on new equipment.

No, she could not see a way to cancel his order for thirteen new ladder trucks because they were already paid for and shipped.

By the time the mayor finally ended the call, Maya was almost hyperventilating. Hayden had been working towards the art show for weeks, it was all he talked about, and now she was going to miss his big moment while Uncle Mason had likely shown up right on time.

Maya grabbed her jacket and dashed towards the elevator, keeping her head down, praying no one would pull her into yet another meeting. She sent a quick text to Carina as she slipped into her car, cursing her shaking fingers, and as she drove, all she could think about was Hayden’s disappointed face. Was the fact that she was a failure.

She ruined everything. It’s what she did best.

Each red light was an agony and trying to find parking near the small, downtown gallery was a nightmare, but all Maya could do was pray her son would forgive her. She ran down the sidewalk, brushing by people out for dinner and restaurants. Seattle’s Deputy Fire Chief, in a crumpled button down and tie, dishevelled, out of breath, and slightly sweaty.

Great, just great…

The gallery was red brick, its windows aglow from the party inside. Maya could hear voices as she approached the door, a buzz that filled the air, all excitement. Hayden’s art teacher had encouraged him to enter the competition and as Maya finally walked in, she was amazed to see so many young people milling about, drawings and sculptured everywhere she looked. The crowd made it difficult to find her family, so Maya tried to stand on her toes, trying to pick out a familiar head from all the other bodies in the room.

It was Hayden’s voice that finally drew her attention.

“Mom!” He called, emerging from a large group of people, his smile so big that Maya could barely see his eyes. He was wearing a light blue dress-shirt and a black tie, his outfit chosen after much careful consultation with Carina. Maya was struck by how mature he looked, his attire in stark contrast to the other kids who were mostly in jeans and hoodies.

“Hey, Bam,” Maya said, reaching for him. “I’m so sorry, I…”

“Mom, I came first in my age group for drawing!”

Hayden launched himself at Maya, pulling her into a hug, the impact forcing her to take a step back. She laughed, her arms around him, and all of her earlier stress disappeared, replaced by pride.

“I knew you would!” Maya said, leaning back, her hand son Hayden’s arms.

He beamed at her, taking her hand. “Come see! They gave me a ribbon and they said they want to keep my drawing on display here for a whole month!”

The rest of the family was in a small alcove, milling around one spot on the wall where sure enough, Hayden’s framed masterpiece was present for all to see, a red ribbon pinned in the corner. He’d sketched the view of Silver Lake from their dock, a wintery scene complete with snow covered trees and frozen water. It was a beautiful picture, alive despite being nothing more than pencil on paper.

Maya had watched Hayden throughout the process. He’d gone through multiple sketches and planning sessions and then he’d spent hours working on the final product. It was no bigger than an average piece of letterhead, but Maya thought it was more beautiful than all the art in the Uffizi combined.

Not even Mason’s presence could dim Maya’s pride. Her brother stood next to Katherine, his hand on her shoulder, and for all the world they looked like a closeknit mother and son. Maybe they were. She realized then that she’d never talked to Katherine about what it was like to have a son, about the challenges and unique wonder of the experience. For so long, Mason had been a name whispered in the quiet, empty spaces. A name that evoked sadness and sighs.

An unexpected anger burned in Maya’s stomach as she turned her eyes away from her mother. In so many ways, Lane’s abuse of Mason was so much more obvious. And while Maya understood that Katherine had been abused too, that her actions were a result of horrific emotional and likely physical violence, the memory of Lane berating Mason as Katherine stood by in silence was such a clear part of her childhood.

Maya squeezed Hayden’s hand, looking down at their linked fingers, trying to find empathy. Trying and failing and knowing she was a terrible person for even entertaining such dark thoughts.

“Oh dear,” Katherine laughed, leaning over to smooth a flyaway at Maya’s temple, “it looks like you’ve been through the wars, Sweetheart!”

Carina was staring too, her gaze drifting from Maya’s face, to her uniform, and back. Even Jamie seemed a little worried, though Maya was more concerned to find her so pale.

“Things are a bit hectic at the office,” Maya tried to sound nonchalant, knowing it wouldn’t work on Carina. “But I’m here and we should celebrate now, right?”

“Mama made a cake,” Hayden said, “even though she didn’t know if I would even place!”

Carina lightly pinched Hayden’s cheek. “Win or no, you worked so hard, Passerotto, you deserve cake! Plus, I knew you were going to win because when is your Mamma ever wrong?”

At first, Maya couldn’t figure out why everyone was staring at her. Hayden’s gaze was hopeful, expectant. Katherine’s was too. Jamie and Mason were more guarded. And Carina…

Carina was worried, her eyes narrowed as if she was trying to read Maya’s mind.

They were all waiting for her to extend an invitation. She belatedly realized that it was her decision. Carina was obviously trying to respect her wishes and the kids were intuitive enough to realize how much tension existed between the Bishop siblings.

Despite the control she’d been granted, Maya felt backed into a corner. How could she say no? How could she tell her own brother that he couldn’t come to their house for cake. How could she take Hayden’s moment and ruin it with her guilt and her shame?

“I guess everyone is coming to our house to celebrate,” she said, mustering a smile. The thought of being alone with Mason again frightened her. Every time he opened his mouth, she was forced to face her true self. There was only so much more she could take. She was barely holding it together as it was – the stress from work only compounding the problem.

The more she was forced to confront her past, the more likely it became that soon, her wife and children would finally see her for what she was. It terrified her. Hayden had practically levitated when she’d walked in, he was so excited to see her that he didn’t even care that she was late. Jamie had smiled too, a relieved, happy smile that was all love. Because they didn’t know her. They didn’t know what she was capable of.

But soon they would see.

And she would lose them.

They drove to the house in separate cars. Katherine with Mason and Carina with Jamie. Hayden insisted on going with Maya and spent most of the drive telling her every detail of the night – how the judges had looked so serious as they studied his work. How they shook his hand and told him they were impressed. He spoke of Mason too, of all the advice he’d given Hayden and the pointers for how he could improve.

It was only when they pulled into the garage that Maya stopped him, wanting a moment alone.

“Hey, Bam?” She said, turning in her seat. He turned to her too, his eyebrows raised.

“I’m so proud of you,” Maya continued, cupping his cheek. “You worked so hard. I’m just sorry I was late. I know how much tonight meant to you and I…”

“It’s okay, Mom,” Hayden said, his lowering his head. “I get it. Things at work are really busy.”

Maya hated that her son was making excuses for her. “They are, but you’re more important than work, Hayden. You always come first, okay? Always.”

“Mom?”

Hayden glanced up again, almost shy, and Maya so loved that beneath his brash confidence, her little boy was still so sweet. His voice was just starting to change and Maya could swear that his shoulders were a little broader, but he would always be her baby. That little hurricane of laughter, stomping through the world, a burst of pure light to smooth the sharp edges.

“For a second, I thought the judges were going to say my drawing sucked,” he confessed, “they looked super serious and one of them was all frowny…I tried my best, but I don’t know what I would have done if they’d said it was bad.”

Maya tapped his chin, wanting him to see her eyes. “You would have held your head up high, Hayden Andrea. And I still would have been beyond proud of you.”

“You would?”

“It’s not about winning,” Maya said, imparting a lesson that she’d learned through the most painful trial and error. “It’s about putting your all into something. It’s about doing the work. And you did all of that. Ribbon or no ribbon.”

“But you have to admit, the ribbon is pretty cool.”

Maya smirked, snorting as Hayden wiggled in his seat. “The ribbon is super cool. And so is this tie.”

She playfully tugged at the knot near Hayden’s collar and then tussled his hair, wishing they didn’t need to go inside. If only she could turn the car around and drive to their favourite diner. Or, better yet, if only she could grab Jamie and Carina and head to the cabin. The weather was turning and while the kids still had another month of school, soon enough they’d be spending their weekend at the lake.

Carina tanning on the deck.

Jamie reading in the shade, totally absorbed in her latest book.

Hayden trying to cannonball into the water.

And then Mason was there in her fantasy. Mason standing in the corner. Watching. Mason at the dinner table, eating cherry pie from Norma’s Diner. Mason showing Hayden how to capture the light with shading and lines. Mason standing on the gravel driveway, staring at the cabin, thinking about all of Maya’s riches. Thinking about unbalanced scales. Her success led to his failure. The more she rose, the more he fell.

“Mom, are you okay?” Hayden’s voice startled her, as she shook away the nightmare.

Maya nodded, making herself smile for what felt like the tenth time that night. “I am. Just tired. Should we go check out the cake?”

From the sound of it, everyone else was already gathered in the kitchen. Maya lingered by the back door, kicking off her shoes, unable to deny how much her back hurt after a very long day spent running back and forth between her office, City Hall, and multiple fire stations all in the name of good PR. She looked down at her creased shirt and decided to sneak away and change her clothes. Surly, no one would miss her.

It had been nearly two weeks since she’d last slept in her own bedroom. A choice fueled by her own stubbornness.

The bed was unmade, her own side messy while Carina’s usual side remained pristine. Her guilt increased. The scent of Carina’s moisturizer only made Maya’s longing worse. She stepped into the ensuite, loosening her tie and unbuttoning her shirt. Her muscles screamed in protest, forcing her to pause, forcing her to place both hands on the countertop and lower her head, waiting for the discomfort to pass.

“Is it your neck or your back?” Carina spoke in barely a whisper, her fingertips light between Maya’s shoulder blades.

Maya blinked, finding Carina’s reflection in the mirror. She hadn’t even heard Carina come in. Her wife looked sad, the downturn of her lips a sure sign that she was displeased. She also looked so damn beautiful that Maya couldn’t help but stare. They’d been distant for so long, a distance of Maya’s making, but gravity was working its magic and Maya couldn’t bring herself to tell Carina to leave.

“My back,” Maya said, moaning softly when Carina pushed her thumbs into the aching tendons near her hips. Carina slid one hand up Maya’s spine, grasping her shoulder, curling her other hand into a fist, which she proceeded to kneed against Maya’s skin.

They knew each other so well. Maya didn’t even need to tell Carina where her back was hurting, Carina had eased her sore muscles for decades, just as Maya could always tell when Carina’s feet hurt after long days in the OR or when her neck was throbbing from staring at her laptop or spending hours on a flight.

“I’m getting old,” Maya tried to joke, clenching her jaw when Carina pushed on a particularly sore spot.

There was a tsk behind her, a soft hum, followed by a soft kiss pressed to her shoulder.

Carina’s hands were healing in so many ways, familiar and warm, hands that could take away her pain. They had been one of the first things Maya noticed about Carina – after her accent and her eyes and her smile. That night at Joe’s, as Maya overshared with a beautiful stranger, she’d watched Carina’s hands gesture as she spoke, noting how graceful they seemed. How beautiful.

Those hands had brought her pleasure beyond her imagination. They’d brought Jamie into the world. They cured and mended and eased.

I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve any of this. It should have been Mason. Not me. Never me.

Maya turned, slipping her fingers up Carina’s cheekbone, not strong enough to stay away.

“Where are you?” Carina whispered, dragging her nose across Maya’s forehead. “You are so far from me, amore mio. Where did you go?”

“I’m sorry.”

“If you want me to tell Mason to leave, I will do it. If you never want to see him again, I will stand by you. I’m always on your side, Maya. Always. Don’t you know that by now?”

Maya leaned in, pressing her palm to Carina’s chest, over her scar. “I do. That’s the problem.”

“What do you mean?”

A burst of laughter wafted up the stairs reminding them both that they weren’t alone. Maya needed to fix her hair and find a shirt, she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t melt into her wife and breathe for the first time since Mason reappeared.

“They’re waiting for you,” Maya said, stepping out of Carina’s arms. “I’ll be there soon.”

“But Maya…”

“Save me some cake, okay? Hayden’s probably had two pieces by now.”

Maya walked away into the bedroom, keeping her back to Carina, doing everything she could to keep her voice steady, her shoulders square.

“You will come to bed tonight?” Carina asked, the hope in her words enough to break Maya’s heart. She knew without looking that Carina was lingering in the doorway, waiting for her. If only she could give Carina what she wanted. If only she could be the person Carina needed her to be.

“I can’t.”

“Maya…”

“Carina…please…”

There was no response, only soft footsteps retreating down the stairs.

~*~

Coffee and cake proved to be an excellent distraction.

Everyone was so focused on the food and Hayden that Maya could remain a quiet presence at the table, smiling when it was appropriate, but otherwise withdrawn.

She tried to stay in the moment, to be present for Hayden, to show her pride. This was his moment and she didn’t want it tarnished in any way. So many of her wins were forever ruined by the memory of Lane. Maya knew that Carina often felt the same way about Vincenzo’s total lack of support when it came to her success. His health was poor and his time left likely limited, but whether it was stubbornness or narcissism, he’d never made any effort towards accepting Carina’s family.

Maya wanted her children to know that their wins belonged to them. That she was beyond proud. And that their losses didn’t diminish that pride in any way.

As the night continued, Maya’s eyes drifted to the clock on the stove, and she belatedly realized how late it was. She stood, clearing her throat, her gaze drifting to her children.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said with a smile. “But it’s a school night, my loves. How are we doing on lunches and homework?”

Hayden pouted, though he was quickly standing too, his attention on the fridge.

“Mama,” he called, “is there enough leftover spaghetti for me and Jamie to take tomorrow?”

Carina sighed, crossing her arms. “Yes, but remind me next time to double the recipe. You are like a…how do they say it? Garbage truck, Tesoro!”

“I can’t help it that I’m always hungry!” Hayden tried to argue, already reaching for Tupperware containers. He handed one to Jamie and soon the kitchen was filled with the bustle of lunch construction. Maya sat again, content to watch, laughing as her children raided the fridge, passing each other apples and bags of crackers and baby carrots. It was a daily occurrence, but Maya so often missed these moments that she just wanted to soak it all in and memorize her teenagers battling over bottles of juice.

“Bambini, leave enough for Mom’s lunch too, per favore,” Carina said, drying a dish, her back to Maya. She was likely making a purposeful effort not to look at Maya, but the fact that she was thinking about Maya’s wellbeing at all was another layer of guilt draped across Maya’s shoulders. No wonder her back hurt.

Katherine excused herself to the bathroom, and Mason reached for his car keys, though he remained fixated on Hayden and Jamie. As kids, Katherine had always packed their lunches for them. Lane often dictated what Maya was allowed to eat, so her lunches were always a reflection of whatever goals he wanted to reach that day or that week. Proteins, vegetables, few carbs except on race days. Sometimes, Katherine would try to sneak in a cookie, the smallest sign of rebellion.

Maya had no idea if she packed the same lunches for Mason. She’d never thought to ask.

Once the lunches were packed and placed in the fridge, Hayden picked up his school bag and placed it on a chair. He rummaged through the front pocket, frowning as he searched all the nooks and crannies.

“Sorella, do you have any tampons I can steal?” He asked, pointing at Jamie’s bag.

Jamie nodded. “Front pocket.”

“Why do you need tampons?” Mason eyed Hayden suspiciously, his narrow gaze drifting from Hayden’s face and down his body. He looked angry, his jaw clenched, and the vein in his forehead stood out prominently as he took a step back.

Hayden didn’t seem to notice as he pulled a handful of tampons from Jamie’s backpack.

“A lot of my friends started getting their periods last year,” he explained, “and I just want to be an ally.”

In truth, Hayden had quickly figured out that if he was nice to the girls in his class, if he treated them with kindness, they were more likely to want to spend time with him. He was the son of an OB, so he was especially comfortable with topics most boys his age would avoid at all costs. Between his allyship and his endless charm, Hayden had no shortage of girls fighting to sit next to him at lunch. Maya and Carina usually laughed about it. He had so much swagger and so much confidence that they couldn’t help but find it all amusing. If there was any doubt that Hayden was a DeLuca-Bishop, his success with the ladies was undeniable proof.

Mason exhaled, his shoulders dropping. “You shouldn’t carry around things like that.”

“Why not?” Hayden asked, genuinely curious. He placed the tampons in his bag and turned to look at Mason.

“Because it’s not right for men,” Mason explained.

Jamie crossed her arms and scoffed. “What does that mean?”

“It gives the wrong impression,” Mason said, though his eyes remained on Hayden. “And you wouldn’t want to give people the wrong impression.”

“Impression about what?” Hayden’s smile dimmed. He suddenly looked unsure, his cheeks flushed.

“About who you are,” Mason said.

Hayden began to fidget with the hem of his t-shirt. “Like…people might think I’m gay?”

“Yes,” Mason said.

“But why would that be bad?” Hayden asked. “I’m not gay…I mean, I really like girls so I don’t think I am…but why would it be bad if people thought I was? Travis is gay and Sal is gay and they’re, like, the best firefighters ever and they take me camping and taught me how to shave…”

“You go camping with gay men?” Mason clenched his jaw again, and Maya felt herself do the same. She could see Carina opening her mouth to speak and Jamie was staring at Mason with open disdain, but before anyone could do anything, Katherine reappeared in the kitchen, all smiles.

“Are you ready to go?” She asked Mason, curving her hand into the crook of his elbow.

He smiled back at her, patting her knuckles. “Sure thing, Mom. Thank you all for a lovely evening. And congratulations again, Hayden.”

Maya followed them to the front door, silent as Katherine changed into her shoes and found her purse.

“Oh! I just need one more hug from my grandbabies,” Katheirne said as soon as she was ready, leaving Maya and Mason alone as she walked back towards the kitchen, her arms already outstretched.

Maya opened the door and stepped onto the front porch, shivering a little in the night air. She watched Mason follow her, waiting until he closed the door to have her say.

“You can’t speak like that to my son,” Maya growled, raising her finger.

Mason quirked an eyebrow. “Like what?”

“I don’t know what kind of homophobic garbage you believe, but I don’t want it anywhere near my family.”

“I’m just looking out for him, Maya. Someone has to.”

“Excuse me?”

“Young boys like Hayden need stability and guidance. They need dependability.”

“And you think he doesn’t get that from me or his mother?” Maya scoffed, gesturing towards the house.

Mason sighed and shook his head. “I think he gets a lot of mixed messages, if I’m being perfectly honest with you. He’s told me how busy you both are. How much time his sister’s swimming takes up in your lives too. He deserves attention, Maya. He deserves to be someone’s priority. And I don’t think you’d be able to understand what it feels like not to be someone’s priority. In fact, I know you can’t. You were late to the most important night of his life. That says a lot about who you are as a parent.”

Sometimes, Maya wished he’d just reach out and punch her in the teeth. It would hurt less, it would be so much easier to live through than his words. As it was, she felt like he’d hit her in the gut, her anger dwindling as she subconsciously scratched at her neck, terror flooding her veins.

Did Hayden feel neglected? Had she missed it? Had she let him fall through the cracks just like she’d let Mason fall?

Katherine appeared again, the light from the house blinding in the evening’s pale gloom. She looked at her children, her smile fading.

“Is everything okay out here?” She asked, patting Maya’s cheek.

Mason wrapped an arm around her and the image of her mother standing so close to him made Maya uncomfortable. An invisible line stretched between them. She wondered which side Katherine would stand on if forced to make a choice.

“Everything is great,” Mason said. “Have a goodnight, Maya.”

She waved in response, a lame shake of her hand because she still couldn’t speak.

Carina had a late-night call scheduled with a colleague in Milan, which meant that Maya didn’t have to make excuses to avoid her wife for the rest of the night. It was easy – with Carina in her office, Maya had no need for an excuse. She kept her eye on Hayden, taking every chance she could to tell him that she was proud, that he was loved. He didn’t mention Mason again, instead he was his usual jovial self – talking about his art show win, playing one more round of Mario Kart before going upstairs for the night, racing Jamie to their bathroom.

There was no sign that he was troubled or upset in any way. But Maya was so caught up in Mason’s accusation that she started to feel paranoid. Even after both kids had gone to sleep, she paced in the guest room, playing over every conversation she’d had with Hayden since her promotion. There were times when her long hours upset him, except Hayden always let her know. He wasn’t the type of kid to bottle up his feelings. When he was mad, it was obvious that he was mad.

And that’s what Maya couldn’t figure out.

She knew her son. At least, she thought she knew her son.

He was honest and open and if he felt neglected, he would have said something. Surly he would have said something.

The question tortured her long after she’d shut the light and climbed into bed. Carina always complained that the guest room was too cold – she’d pile extra blankets whenever Gabriella or Katherine would stay over. As she shivered in the dark, Maya knew that it wasn’t the room that was cold or the bed itself. It was the fact that Carina wasn’t there. For twenty years Maya had fallen asleep with Carina’s face wedged into her neck. The weight of Carina’s body against her chest had become so familiar that without it, Maya couldn’t sleep. She stared up at the ceiling, imagining Carina just above, lying in their bed.

Cold.

Alone.

Because of me…

Swirling patterns formed in her imagination, the past and her present a pantomime in the night. Mason had always weaved into her barely waking fantasies, lurking in the quiet, always there, always. Now when she closed her eyes, it was no longer the Mason she remembered, it was the Mason from right now. Mason who looked like Lane, whose honesty was shattering Maya’s carefully constructed sense of self. All the work she’d done, all the therapy, all the lies she’d told herself, with one word, Mason unravelled her.

She let herself imagine walking upstairs into her bedroom. Slipping into her bed. She imagined what Carina would tell her, all the beautiful things Carina would say to make her brother a liar.

He wasn’t a liar.

That was the problem.

A soft knock interrupted her and when Jamie peeked her head in, Maya’s pushed herself up on her elbow, surprised to see her daughter in the middle of the night.

“Jamie?” She whispered, pulling back the blanket so Jamie could crawl in next to her.

Jamie was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, but she still shivered as she curled up next to Maya.

“Are you okay?” Maya asked, unsure what to make of Jamie’s visit. She’d looked pale earlier and judging by her choice in pyjamas, she still wasn’t feeling well.

Jamie turned onto her side, facing Maya. “Mama was crying.”

“She was?”

“I heard her in the hallway. She was trying to be quiet, but…”

Jamie trailed off, shrugging a little.

Between Mason and Jamie, Maya felt like she was choking on guilt.

“I hate this,” Jamie continued, closing her eyes. “Ever since Uncle Mason came back, everything has been weird.”

Maya swallowed hard, taking Jamie’s hand. “I’m sorry, Baby. I know it’s been…”

“You should be upstairs with Mama, Mom.”

“I know. But I…”

Jamie flipped onto her back, her frown clear as day in the lowlight. “I don’t like the way he looks at her.”

Ice closed around Maya’s throat, piercing her skin, piercing her tongue. She reached for the lamp, suddenly desperate for light, the sickly yellow beam so much better than the shadows.

“What do you mean?” Maya asked, staring down at Jamie whose own pallor was more pronounced against the white sheets.

“When he thinks no one is looking, he stares at her,” Jamie whispered, “and he looks so angry, Mom. Like he hates her. It scares me. He scares me.”

Maya had no idea what to make of Jamie’s words. She believed her daughter, but she was also starting to question her own sanity. Apparently, she’d lost sight of her son and her brother and her wife. What else was she missing?

“I get that he’s your brother and he makes Gran so happy,” Jamie said, clutching the blanket to her chest. “I’m sorry if I’m being rude or if I’m hurting your feelings, but something is wrong with him. He’s…he’s not like you, Mom. He’s not a good person.”

The cold increased. Maya didn’t even know where to begin. Should she defend Mason? Should she tell Jamie the truth about herself? At one time in her life, she would have thrown herself in front of a bus for her brother. But that was before she was a parent. Before she was a wife. Her priorities had shifted.

Maybe her love had shifted too.

Before Carina, she’d barely understood the concept of love.

Even Katherine, who was full of love, rarely used the word.

Lane had said it once, only once, as she’d fallen into his arms after crossing the finish line.

Maya had only said it once too.

On a warm summer evening when she was sixteen. Lane had been out of town and Katherine had gone grocery shopping leaving Maya and Mason alone. He was already experimenting with drugs, mostly just weed, but he was so withdrawn. The light in his eyes had begun to dim. He was only fourteen.

They’d sat side by side in the backyard, staring up at the night sky, each lost in thought until Mason raised his arm to point at the stars.

“That’s the big dipper.”

“You’re the big dipper.”

“Shut up.”

“Do another one.”

He’d paused, searching, and then pointed again.

“That one is you, Maya.”

“It is?”

“The brightest one. And next to it, that’s me.”

“Me and you.”

“Me and you.”

She’d wanted to apologize, to tell him that she’d talk to Lane about art lessons, that she’d try again and keep pushing until he finally let Mason quit the track team. She’s wanted to ask him to stop the drugs, to confide in her.

Instead, she wiggled closer, her shoulder brushing his.

“Hey Mase?”

“Hmmm?”

“I love you. I just want you to know that.”

He didn’t respond with words. His lips lifted in the corners, his eyes never leaving the heavens.

Nearly twenty years would pass before she said the words again. A different context. A different type of love. A love that burned beyond her ambition, her pride, beyond everything her father had taught her. A love that was binding and lasting and led her even more love. Indescribable love.

As she contemplated Jamie, the image of her teenager flickered with the memory of that same teenager as a frail little baby, fighting for life.

The love she felt for her children was unlike any love she’d ever known.

It wasn’t about choosing sides or ranking her feelings. She understood that there were different types of love, different shades. But nothing could touch the love she felt for her wife and her children. This life she’d built with Carina, a life neither of them could have imagined the day Maya stood in front of a coffee cart at Grey-Sloan and cut herself open.

She’d shown Carina all the darkness, all the ugly, rotting parts and somehow in that moment, Mason had served as proof that her words held meaning. That she was all in. That Carina was important to her, more than important to her. Carina was everything. If she’d ever only said those words to her brother and now she was saying them to Carina, Carina was part of the most exclusive club. The members of Maya Bishop’s heart.

Mason had been the base value. The unit by which she’d measure everything. The evidence that brought Carina back to her. That earned her another chance.

Was he about to cost her everything?

Jamie was so empathic, so intuitive. Gabriella used to joke that the only person she trusted for relationship advice was Jamie because even as a small child, Jamie could see people. Really see people.

And what she saw in her uncle scared her.

There was no questioning it. No matter how badly Maya wished she could reassure Jamie and tell her that Mason was good, she couldn’t deny Jamie’s feelings.

“Hayden wants everyone to be happy,” Jamie said, her face pinched, “he always tries to see the best in people. But I have such a bad feeling, Mom. And I hate when you and Mama fight.”

Maya stroked Jamie’s cheek, unsure what to say, but aware that she needed to say something. The air felt thick, her body heavy as the night pressed in, the sun a distant memory, overshadowed by frost.

“I’m sorry, Baby,” She whispered with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry this has all been such a mess. But I promise I’ll make it right, okay? I’ll always keep you and your brother and Mama safe. I promise.”

Jamie turned, tucking herself beneath Maya’s chin. “I know.”

The trust was sacred. Jamie didn’t question whether Maya was telling the truth. She believed.

No matter how Maya felt about herself, no matter what Mason said, the child in her arms had faith in her. Of all the oaths she’d sworn in her life – as a first responder, as an Olympic athlete – nothing held a candle to I love you and I choose you forever.

You meant Carina. And Carina meant family. And family meant the child in her arms and the child upstairs, sleeping in his bed. You meant all of you. The singular had shifted to plural the second Jamie took her first breath.

Maya turned off the lamp and then settled, keeping Jamie close, her jumbled thoughts coalescing, clarifying.

She was going to fix this. She was going to make things right. Somehow, she was going to make things right.

Chapter Text

Carina had just started to prepare dinner when she heard Jamie’s scream.

She dropped the knife in her hand, startled when Jamie came racing through the screen door, her little boots wet from the snow.

“Hayden fell in!” Jamie cried, three words that shattered Carina’s soul.

As she looked out the window, she could just make out splashing at the end of the dock, the sight so shocking that she immediately started to move without shoes or a jacket.

“Stay here,” Carina gasped, running past Jamie, ignoring the ice beneath her socked feet as she tried to get outside.

It was the end of February, still very much winter, but an unseasonably warm few weeks had thinned the ice over the lake. They’d been extra cautious, worried that skating would be too dangerous, despite how solid the water seemed to be. Maya read the ice reports daily, choosing instead to take the kids to the rink next to Castle Rock’s town square. But as the sun set on what had been an idyllic day, the temperature was the opposite of warm. All Carina felt was frigid terror.

She ran, sliding as she moved, her only thought of getting to the end of the dock, getting to her baby. He was three years old. He was only three years old. The universe wouldn’t be so cruel, so evil. Not after everything, not her Hayden, not…

Maya emerged from the water, a crying Hayden clinging to her chest. Her heavy winter jacket was soaked, as was her hair, and Carina could see she was having trouble grasping the metal ladder. For one horrible second they bobbed under, swallowed by black water, but as soon as Carina dropped to her knees, they were back, Maya gasping for air as Hayden sputtered.

“Here,” Carina barked, reaching for Hayden while Maya tried to hoist herself up. He was flailing, clearly terrified, but as soon as Carina had a firm grip under his arms, she pulled, bringing him to safety.

Another cry joined his voice, and when Carina turned to look, she winced to find Jamie standing close, openly terrified too.

“Cucciola, can you go inside and find all the big towels you can?” Carina asked, her fingers numb.

Jamie looked hesitant to leave, her eyes on Maya who was half-way up the ladder.

“It’s…okay…bb…Baby T…tt..t-rex,” Maya said, her teeth chattering even as she tried to smile.

Carina curled her fingers into Maya’s jacket, helping her the rest of the way and as soon as Maya was out of the water, Jamie turned back to the cabin, huffing as she ran.

“Is…iis…he…o…okay?” Maya exhaled, struggling to sit. She was still wearing heavy snow boots and between her jacket and jeans, Carina knew getting her undressed was going to be a struggle. Her attention was on Hayden, though, who had gone very quiet.

“Passerotto?” Carina cooed, rubbing his back. His snowsuit was dripping wet, his hat and mittens long gone.

Hayden coughed, curling against her.

Somehow, Carina managed to help Maya stand. They both hissed in pain, Carina’s toes all but frozen as they walked as quickly as possible towards the cabin. The golden light from inside was such a contrast to the dark. Usually, Carina found the nights at Castle Rock beautiful, the wintery sky filled with stars that were never visible in Seattle. Now it felt oppressive, dangerous even. It felt like a thick fog trying to steal her light.

There was a trail of Jamie’s clothes from the backdoor and when they finally rushed into the main room, Carina couldn’t help but smile at the impressive pile of towels Jamie was in the middle of collecting.

“Did you bring these?” Maya asked, still shivering, but obviously trying to keep things calm for both kids. Jamie’s eyes were so wide, she was still so worried, and Carina knew it was time to be as cheerful as possible to avoid traumatizing anyone.

Carina sat, placing Hayden in front of her as she started to unzip his jacket. He shivered, shell-shocked, and then Maya’s hands were there too, pulling off his snowpants.

“You’re okay, Bam,” Maya said, shrugging out of her own jacket before starting on Hayden’s little sweater. As they stripped him, Carina grew increasingly concerned because he was just so quiet, the total opposite of Hayden’s usual reaction to hurt or fear. He was an expressive child, blunt with his feelings, and passionate. Now he shivered, his little body quivering as they removed his jeans and socks.

“Jamie, could you bring your fratellino the warmest PJs you can find? And maybe Spidey too?” Carina asked.

Hayden blinked as soon as she mentioned Spidey, his bottom lip wobbly.

“Mama?” He whimpered, pale and shivering, the sight of him naked and wet and so helpless a reminder of what was almost lost.

Carina reached for one of the towels and quickly wrapped it around Hayden, rubbing her hands up and down his arms as she tried to get him warm. She paused only to remove her own sweater, and then scooped him up, cradling him against her chest, using her own body heat to soothe him.

“Va tutto bene,” she swore, kissing his forehead, “Stai bene, piccolino mio, stai bene.”

As she rocked back and forth, Maya crawled towards the fireplace, her jeans making it a difficult task.

“Bambina,” Carina said, her voice unsteady because reality was starting to set in. She could’ve so easily lost them both. “Go change first. You need to get warm.”

Stubborn as always, Maya shook her head. She began setting up logs with shaking hands, but soon enough, the room was filled with the sound of crackling wood. The heat felt good, the warmth of the firelight felt even better.

“Isn’t that nice?” Carina whispered, her lips never straying from Hayden’s crown.

She felt a tiny nod against her and then a hand darted out of the towel, closing around her San Floriano necklace.

Jamie returned with her arms full. She had a pair of flannel PJs over her shoulder and a collection of blankets and stuffies to help her little brother feel better. Carina was relieved to see that she was in dry clothes – at least one of them wasn’t at risk for frostbite.

“Here, Fratellino,” Jamie said, offering Spidey to her little brother.

He immediately reached for the stuffy, tucking it under his arm. Jamie picked up Lupo and held it out too.

“You can have Lupo,” she whispered, placing her beloved wolf on top of Spidey. She gave Hayden’s head a pat, looking far too worried for a six-year-old.

“Should we put on some pyjamas?” Carina asked, still rocking. Hayden shook his head, his little nose brushing her collarbone.

Maya was sitting next to the fire in just her sports bra and boxers, the towel around her shoulders apparently doing little to help with the cold. She likely would benefit from a shower, but instead she remained where she was, looking far too calm for someone who had just jumped into an icy lake.

“Well, that was a bit exciting,” Maya said, raising her eyebrows.

Carina snorted. “Is that what you call it?”

“How are we all feeling?” Maya asked, smiling as Jamie came closer. Jamie rubbed her little hands over Maya’s arms, copying what she’d seen Carina do for Hayden, the gesture so sweet that despite the situation, Carina wished her phone was closer so she could take a picture.

“I can’t feel my toes,” Carina said, staring down at her feet. She’d managed to get rid of her socks, but her jeans were still damp, especially at the knees.

Maya nodded, leaning in when Jamie stroked her hair. “What about you Baby T-Rex?”

“I’m okay,” Jamie squeaked, though the way she hovered near Maya spoke to her fear. Maya likely sensed it too because she wrapped her arm around Jamie’s hips and scooped her into her lap, towel and all.

“You were so brave,” Maya said, taking Jamie’s face in her hands. “You did exactly the right thing going to get Mama, Jamie. I’m so proud of you.”

Carina always loved these moments, the little glimpses of Maya righting the wrongs of her own childhood.

“You are a hero just like Mommy,” Carina added, smiling when Jamie grinned. “And you’ve taken such good care of your brother.”

For the first time since coming inside, Hayden raised his head. His little face crumpled as tears poured down his cheeks.

“Mommy?” He whimpered, “I’m sorry I fell. I tried not to, but I still fell and it was super, super cold and I didn’t like it.”

Maya sighed and somehow managed to crawl closer with Jamie still in her lap. She cupped the back of Hayden’s head, waiting for him to face her, his little pout and quivering chin a sure sign that he was close to full on crying.

“It’s not your fault, Bam,” Maya said, stroking his cheek with her thumb. “Sometimes accidents happen. I know you were trying to be careful.”

“I saw a fishy,” Hayden explained, “and…and I tried to see, but…then I went whooooooaaaaa boom.”

“Was there ice on the dock, Bambino?” Carina asked, putting the story together.

He nodded. “I went slippy slide.”

“You sure did,” Maya agreed. “Does anything hurt? Did you hit your head on the ice?”

Hayden shook his head again, settling in Carina’s lap. “No. But now I got no clothes.”

“I think we can fix that,” Carina said with a laugh. She looked at her family, making a plan in her head, placing aside her own residual fear and her need to kiss Maya. They were all together and they were all safe. Everything else could wait.

“Now,” Carina continued, finding comfort in taking charge. “Mommy and Hayden should go have a warm shower and then I think we all need some hot chocolate before dinner, no?”

Jamie cheered as soon as Carina mentioned hot chocolate and Hayden surprised them all when he shot out of Carina’s lap, both arms raised over his head.

“Hot cho’late! Hot cho’late! Andiamo, Mommy!” He yelled, running naked towards the bathroom.

Maya pinched the bridge of her nose in disbelief and then stood, pressing her hand to the top of Jamie’s crown. She crouched, bringing herself to Jamie’s eye level, her amused smirk disappearing.

“Are you really okay, Mommy?” Jamie asked, her hands on Maya’s cheeks.

Maya turned her face, kissing Jamie’s little palm. “I am. Thanks to you, Jay.”

“That was really scary.”

“It was pretty scary,” Maya agreed. “Do you think maybe we need a few extra marshmallows in our hot chocolate to make it all better?”

Jamie’s eyes sparkled, though she still held Maya’s face. “The rainbow ones?”

“Oh, yeah, for sure we need the rainbow ones.” Maya shuddered a little as she spoke, her teeth chattering.

“Come, Cucciola,” Carina said, offering Jamie her hand. “We will find some cookies too, va bene?”

“Cookies before dinner?” Maya gasped, pressing a hand to her chest.

Jamie giggled, her smile back as she skipped away to the kitchen, some of her fear forgotten.

Standing in the midst of abandoned towels and soaked clothes, Carina pulled Maya to her, wrapping her in a hug. Maya’s skin was cold to the touch, cold and clammy, but to Carina, she felt perfect. Carina took one selfish moment to breath in time with her wife and then they stepped apart, each heading towards little voices that called for them.

They managed to pass the rest of the evening in relative normalcy.

By the time Maya and Hayden were done with the shower, Hayden was back to his giggly self. He ate his dinner with gusto, demanding seconds. Jamie seemed calm too, chatting away about polar bears and helping Hayden build a tower out of blocks that he promptly toppled each time they finished.

Everything was fine until Maya declared that it was time for bed. Midway through brushing his teeth, Hayden burst into tears and seeing him so upset got to Jamie too because soon, they had two crying children on their hands. Food and blocks had provided enough distraction to help them forget about their traumatic experience. Quiet bedrooms were the perfect recipe for little fears to grow, which is how Maya and Carina found themselves cuddled up in bed with Hayden and Jamie between them.

They were usually fairly strict about the kids sleeping in their own beds, but tonight having the babies close was more important than rules. Maya lay on her side, Hayden curled around his Spidey right next to her, and Jamie was snuggled with Carina. Even Lupo had a spot on the pillow.

As the children slept, their mothers watched, both incapable of sleep. Maya leaned down to nuzzle her nose in Hayden’s hair, but when she closed her eyes and shuddered, Carina reached across the space, setting her hand on Maya’s shoulder.

With a gentle tug, she caught Maya’s gaze, gesturing with her chin towards the door. Maya nodded and together they carefully extracted themselves, adjusting blankets to keep little toes and little fingers warm.

Carina waited until Maya was fully in the bathroom before shutting the door and turning on the light. They both winced, letting their eyes adjust, the mood somehow somber despite the rubber ducky resting on the edge of the bathtub.

“Hi,” Maya said, taking a deep breath.

Carina did the same, puffing out her cheeks. “Hi.”

She moved first, gathering Maya into her arms, her hand finding the back of Maya’s head. Maya melted into the embrace, her face warm against Carina’s neck, a marked change from how cold she’d felt earlier in the night, how clammy.

“I was holding his hand,” Maya whispered, fisting the back of Carina’s t-shirt. “I swear, I was holding his hand and I looked away for two seconds to check on Jamie and he…he was gone. He hit the ice so hard and I stopped thinking…”

“You caught him,” Carina said, “you saved him.”

“So, remember about two years ago when I almost drowned on a cruise ship and developed hypothermia and hallucinated that our kids were dead?”

The words were said almost in jest. There was laughter in Maya’s tone, but her body couldn’t lie. She trembled as she spoke, her arms momentarily rigid as the words slipped out. Carina sighed, tightening her hold, slipping one hand up the back of Maya’s shirt to lightly scratch up and down her spine.

“What do you need?” Carina asked, willing to give her wife anything to take away the memory.

Maya hummed, pressing her lips below Carina’s jaw. “This is good. This is really good.”

“Okay.”

“You smell amazing, by the way.”

Maya smelled amazing too. Her skin was so soft, Carina had half a mind to take off both of their shirts just so she could feel more of her wife. But that would mean letting go and Carina refused to do it. Instead, she snorted, leaning back just enough to see Maya’s face.

The smile didn’t reach Maya’s eyes, but it was there. Tired. A little scared. The hint of sunlight behind a cloudy sky.

“I am terrified that something will happen to him,” Carina confessed, hating that the thought existed at all. She’d voiced these fears before and each time she felt both foolish and terrified.

“To Hayden?”

Carina lowered her head. “I think of Andrea, of Mason, and it’s like I turn into my Nonna, worried about family curses and superstitions.”

“You think Bam is cursed?”

The question only emphasized how ridiculous Carina knew she sounded. When Maya cupped her cheek, Carina reluctantly raised her head again, expecting to find judgment. Instead, she found Maya nodding in a way that told her it was safe to keep talking.

“No,” Carina said. “But I think the universe has a funny sense of humour, giving us a daughter first and then a son. Like we can watch little version of what could have been…”

“I’m not sure I would’ve run to get my Mom if Mason was drowning in a lake. I’m not sure my dad would’ve gone in after him, to be honest. He’d probably see it as a lesson.”

Carina frowned, tracing Maya’s jaw with her thumbs. “You would have jumped in after him.”

“How do you know?”

“Because that is who you are, Maya,” Carina whispered, placing her hand above Maya’s heart. “That is who you have always been.”

Maya blinked, her eyes glassy. “I was holding his hand.”

“I know, amore mio.”

“He’s…he’s so little, Carina.”

“Little and safe in our bed.”

Maya tipped her head against Carina’s shoulder, exhaling in a way that released tension, that turned her loose and heavy. It was a good reminder of the late hour, of how tired they both were. Carina still couldn’t bring herself to stop this moment, so she held Maya up, the adrenaline finally, finally fading for good.

“Should we go back?” Maya asked, dragging her fingertips down Carina’s arms.

Carina tucked a strand of hair behind Maya’s ear, torn between wanting her bed and wanting to stay right where she was. She nuzzled her nose against Maya’s, needing one more thing from her wife. Just one more.

With her hands on Maya’s face, Carina leaned in, touching her lips to Maya’s. The kiss began soft, each barely moving, and then Maya tilted her head, the tip of her tongue tracing Carina’s mouth. Carina deepened the kiss, moaning as Maya’s tongue slipped against her own, an invasion, an invitation. Maya’s arms tightened around Carina’s body, all muscle and strength. Enough to harm, to wound. So gentle now. Arms that had pulled their son from the water, arms that had saved countless lives. Now holding her as if she was glass.

Carina slid her fingers into Maya’s hair, keeping her, seeing Maya through closed eyes, feeling her breathe. They pulled back gasping for air, swollen, panting and smiling and a little drunk off each other.

“What are the chances of early morning shower sex?” Maya asked, her face still flushed.

Carina bit her lip. “Zero.”

“You’re probably right. Plus, we wouldn’t want to scar the rubber duckies for life.”

“We have scarred plenty of rubber duckies, Bambina.”

“Don’t remind me. They’ve seen some things.”

“Are you thinking about my boobs right now?”

Maya smirked, and Carina couldn’t help but laugh at the mess she’d made of Maya’s hair. It looked like they’d’ just ravaged each other.

“Your boobs,” Maya shrugged, linking their fingers. “Your ass. Your pu…”

“Basta! Do you want the rubber duckies to hear?”

Maya kissed Carina’s knuckles and winked, recharged and ready to face the world once more. Carina felt it too – the return of her equilibrium. Holding Maya was therapeutic in a way she’d never entirely understand, but she’d learned to stop questioning it years ago. If not for the babies in their bed, Carina would have held Maya all night long.

Thankfully, the babies in their bed were adorable and perfect and Carina couldn’t wait to hold them all night long either. She was careful as she slipped back under the covers, her lips lifting as Jamie rolled over and curled up beneath Carina’s chin. Carina rubbed her back, watching as Maya tried to get into bed without waking Hayden.

She was mostly successful, until Hayden raised his head and curled his little hand into the front of Maya’s shirt.

“Mommy?” He whispered, tugging at the fabric.

Maya smoothed his curls. “Hmmm?”

“I farted two times,” he giggled, kicking his legs beneath the blankets.

Maya groaned, crinkling her nose. “That’s super gross, Bam.”

“Two!” He announced, raising two fingers.

Maya wrapped her arm around him, pulling his closer until he was sprawled on her chest.

“Okay, Mr. Fart Monster, it’s time to sleep,” she said, playfully squeezing him.

He wiggled for just a moment before settling, his cheek above Maya’s heart.

“Mommy,” he whispered, sleepy. “Your heart is going boom boom boom.”

“One for you, and one for Jamie, and one for Mama,” Maya explained, stroking his hair until he fell back asleep. She waited for a few seconds before laying him on his side, making sure Spidey was close. As she adjusted the blanket, she kissed his temple and then leaned over, doing the same to Jamie’s head.

“And one for Mama,” she said, kissing Carina, the ghost of a kiss, somehow saying one thousand words.

Carina understood every single one.

~*~

There were days when Carina missed her old office on the seventh floor.

Becoming one of the world’s most preeminent physicians came with certain perks. Her office was now located on the top floor of the hospital, a corner spot that was all windows. Sometimes it felt more like an apartment than an office. And while she very much enjoyed the view of Seattle, she occasionally longed to be back in the action.

She still delivered multiple babies a week. She’d even been known to go down to the pit or take a shift in the clinic. Carina’s research took up the bulk of her time now, but patient care would always be her true passion.

For a moment, she gazed around at the beige walls and tried to find calm. There were leafy green plants and bookshelves and pictures of so many babies on her walls. It was a tranquil space, a space she’d designed to inspire her during the long hours she spent reviewing trial results or on calls around the world.

But she couldn’t stop thinking about the seventh floor. Of her old couch where she’d held Maya on the night of Jamie’s surgery. Life had been simpler then – less responsibilities, less eyes on her. As she absentmindedly clicked her pen, her thoughts drifted, flitting from Maya to Jamie to Hayden.

To Mason.

Maya was barely speaking to her, though Carina could tell that it wasn’t because she was angry. There was so much longing between them, but Maya had put up walls and was refusing to let Carina in. She seemed skittish, purposely keeping Carina at arm’s length and Carina couldn’t figure out why.

It wasn’t that she was questioning Maya’s feelings or choosing to let Hayden go to Mason’s meetings against Maya’s wishes. She’d made it very clear that she was on Maya’s side. That she would do what Maya wanted to do. Maya remained distant. She hadn’t slept in their bed in two weeks. They’d barely touched.

Yet there was yearning every single time Maya caught her eye.

Jamie’s health was also concerning. She couldn’t quite kick the chest cold that had plagued her since the start of the month. There were days when she felt fine, but a cough persisted and she was a little lethargic, so unlike her usual energetic self. Carina had a call in with Jamie’s doctor – she wanted Jamie to have a chest x-ray. Mostly, she wanted Jamie to feel better.

And then there was her Hayden.

Carina’s eyes welled at the thought of her son. He was trying so hard with Mason. She could tell by the way Hayden looked at his uncle that he just wanted Mason to like him. Hayden was always so charming – people were drawn to him and always had been. But Mason meant a great deal to Hayden and Carina was terrified that it was all going to come crashing down. She just had a terrible feeling that somehow, Hayden was going to end up with his heart broken.

Because Mason was…

Carina didn’t know how she felt about her brother-in-law. There were moments when he seemed pleasant, kind even. Moments when she could picture him as part of their family. And then he’d shift, he’d go cold in the way that Maya sometimes did.

No.

Not like Maya.

Maya’s ice was framed in fire. Mason became a blank slate. It was unnerving. His words from the night before were uncomfortable.

She knew that Maya had likely spoken to him in the few minutes before he left with Katherine. She also knew that he’d said something back because Maya had stumbled into the house, her hands shaking, barely able to hold a conversation until she snuck into the guest bedroom and firmly closed the door.

Carina sniffled, pinching the bridge of her nose to ward off any tears. She was tired – sleeping without Maya was proving to be difficult. And she was so worried. It was exhausting.

“Am I interrupting?”

Amelia grinned as she walked into the room, apparently not interested in Carina’s reply. She opened her mouth, but stopped abruptly as she caught sight of Carina’s face.

“Hey, what’s going on?” She asked, settling into the chair across form Carina’s desk.

Carina leaned back, relieved to see her friend. She needed to talk. And Amelia Shepherd knew what it was to lose a brother. She knew what it was to have one too.

“Maya’s brother came back two weeks ago,” Carina explained, “and everything has been chaos ever since.”

Amelia frowned, furrowing her brow. “Drugs, right?”

“Yes. He’s clean now. Maybe too clean.”

“What do you mean?”

Carina crossed her arms, wishing she’d brought something warmer than a silk blouse. “He’s very clean cut. Very reserved. Maya used to describe him as a free spirit, an artist. Now he’s part of a church group and organizing programs for young men in his community.”

“Church?” Amelia grimaced. “I shouldn’t judge. Obviously, I of all people shouldn’t judge. But a lot of us turn to God when we’re trying to get clean. It’s like exchanging one addiction for another.”

“Hayden is thrilled. He’s been going to Mason’s group with one of his friends from school. And so far, all they’ve done is play basketball or go the community pool.”

“You don’t trust it though, do you?”

Carina shrugged, her confusion palpable. “I want to. But something is going on with Maya and I just feel like I’m missing something about him.”

“Firefighter Barbie isn’t happy to see her little brother? I thought she’d spent years looking for him.”

“She did. Except ever since he came home, she’s been…jumpy? Angry one minute, anxious the next. I’ve tried to talk to her – she’s just refusing to let me in. I don’t know why.”

Amelia usually liked to crack jokes about Maya, the years doing little to dull her amusement. Now she leaned forward in her chair, genuinely concerned.

“Has he said anything to her?” She asked.

Carina shrugged again. “Not that I know of. There have been some awkward moments, but it’s been twenty years! They are strangers to each other. Can you imagine if Andrea walked in now after twenty years?”

“I imagine Derek showing up all the time,” Amelia said, lowering her gaze. “Birthdays, Scout’s graduation. Sometimes for no reason at all.”

“I do the same with Andrea. I wonder what he would look like. Still the same or old now like me?”

Amelia scoffed, waving her hand. “Please, I’m surprised Vogue isn’t banging down your door. Your genes should be studied, DeLuca. It’s not fair to us mere mortals.”

Laughing felt good, but it could not erase the niggling feeling that Carina carried in the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t quite bring herself to give into Amelia’s humour, to sit back and tell herself that everything was going to be okay.

“I’ve been away too much,” Carina said. “Maya has had a horrible time at work and now this. She is in pain. I can see it, but I don’t understand it, and it’s making me feel crazy.”

Amelia sobered and that’s when Carina realized that her friend was in a lot of pain too. Talking about their dead brothers wasn’t exactly light and breezy.

“Do you feel like you’re projecting your own fantasies about Andrew coming back somehow?” Amelia asked. “And you’re confused because if you were in Maya’s shoes, you’d be jumping for joy, not freaking out?”

“Maybe?” Carina confessed. “I’m trying not to. Plus, I don’t know, there is something about Mason…he’s unnerving.”

“How so?”

Every time she replayed the night before, Carina found herself questioning her own feelings. Maybe she was over-reacting. Maybe she was reading too much into it. Maybe she was just an overly protective mother.

And who better to ask than a fellow overly protective mother?

“Yesterday, Mason and Katherine were at our house after Hayden’s art show. Everything seemed fine. Calm, even. And then Hayden asked Jamie if she had extra tampons…”

“Wait…he did?” Amelia laughed, shaking her head.

Carina laughed too. “He did! He carries some around for the girls in his class. To be supportive.”

“Supportive? The boy has moves.”

“Madonna mia, I don’t know whether to be proud or terrified.”

“He hand-delivered roses to every L&D nurse last Valentine’s Day. Be terrified.”

The thought of her charming Hayden made Carina all the more eager to get Amelia’s opinion on Mason’s reaction.

“That’s the thing with Hayden. He is so sweet, so full of joy,” Carina sighed. “Yes, he carries tampons around because it brings him attention from girls, but he also genuinely cares. He cares about everyone, including Mason.”

“I’m guessing Uncle Mason had a weird reaction to the tampon thing? Though, in fairness, it’s pretty rare for thirteen-year-old boys to be that comfortable talking about periods. Scout would have run in the opposite direction at that age.”

Carina wished it were that simple. “For Hayden, it’s normal. For our family it’s normal. But obviously Mason doesn’t know that, so when Hayden asked…the way Mason looked at him…”

She paused, remembering Mason’s face. It made her shudder.

“He looked angry,” Carina continued. “He…maybe I am wrong, but it was like he was staring at Hayden’s body, trying to see…I don’t know…I think for a moment he thought Hayden was transgender and the disgust in his eyes…”

Amelia scowled, her nostrils flaring. “What the hell?”

“And then he told Hayden not to carry around tampons because people might assume he’s gay,” Carina said, her throat closing because she was exhausted and worried and terrified that her little boy was about to lose his innocence somehow. “Hayden was so confused…he…he wants this connection with Mason so badly, I don’t want to take this from him, except…”

“How did Maya react to all of this?”

“She followed Mason outside as he was leaving. I have no idea what they said, but when she came back, it was like she’d seen a ghost.”

“And Jamie?”

Carina couldn’t hold back a little sob. She rubbed her forehead, desperate to remain somewhat composed. An impossible task given the circumstances.

“Mason barely looks at Jamie,” Carina choked out, “and she’s been sick for weeks and I’m so worried. I tried booking her for a chest x-ray, but everything is backed up, I even called Seattle Pres. Her doctor can’t see her until next week, but what can she really do without the chest x-ray? I’m scared it’s her asthma…”

“Carina…”

“My daughter is ill. My son is mixed up with this person I do not trust. And my wife…”

Amelia stood and circled the desk. She perched against it, reaching out to squeeze Carina’s shoulder.

“My wife,” Carina continued, “is broken and I think it’s my fault. I think I broke her.”

“Hey, come on, that’s not true.”

“I said yes to too many conferences. I’ve been away so much and she’s basically had to take responsibility for the entire Seattle Fire Department and take care of the kids and the house when I’m not here. She’s exhausted, and she needed me, and where was I? New York? Geneva? She needed me and I wasn’t there and now…”

Amelia sighed, shaking her head. “I’m saying this as your friend, but Carina, you’re spiralling here.”

“I miss Maya,” Carina confessed, knowing Amelia was probably right but having a difficult time placing aside her own guilt. “I feel like I am losing her.”

“You’re not.”

“Amelia, you can’t know that, you…”

“Yes,” Amelia said, crossing her arms. “I can. Because I’ve had a front row seat to your entire relationship, DeLuca. I’ve seen you two survive every single challenge thrown your way – stuff that would break most couples. So, you’re going through a rough patch. It happens. But you’re not losing your wife.”

Carina nodded, wanting so badly to believe.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said, closing her eyes. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

When Amelia hummed, Carina looked up, surprised to see her friend’s slight exasperation. “I get that you want to fix everything. But you can’t. All you can do for now is show up for your family, which is exactly what you’re doing.”

Doubt gnawed at Carina’s insides, doubt that this whole situation was her fault. That she’d been absent. That she’d let Maya get to a place where she was struggling. It was true that she couldn’t have predicted Mason’s return, but maybe if she’d been more present, Maya would feel stronger, more supported.

Less alone.

And then anger flooded in too because sometimes, Maya’s inability to communicate made an already difficult situation impossible.

“She won’t talk to me,” Carina sighed, clenching her jaw. “And I’m scared he is hurting her somehow and…she won’t talk to me.”

“Well, there’s really only one thing you can do.”

Carina quirked an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Screw her brains out.”

“Amelia!” Carina scoffed, slapping her friend’s arm. She couldn’t stop the giggles from bubbling up inside though. Amelia’s sense of humour had not dimmed with age. Plus, Carina knew that Gabriella would likely give the same advice.

“What? Don’t tell me you’re too old!”

“We are most definitely not.”

“Ooohhh, most definitely? Details, please!”

“You wish.”

“Since the day I first saw you and Firefighter Barbie make eye contact.”

Carina exhaled, shaking her head. She couldn’t say that Amelia had given her any answers, but in fairness to Amelia, there were no easy answers here. Instead, she took comfort in knowing that Amelia was on her side, that Amelia supported her. Them.

“Brothers,” Carina finally said, her smile wistful.

Amelia’s lips lifted, though her eyes spoke of grief.

“Brothers,” she agreed.

Chapter Text

She was late again.

Maya spent the entire drive home cursing herself. The back of her neck felt like it was burning thanks to a full day spent driving from City Hall to SFD Headquarters to a ridiculous PR photo op in Tacoma. She’s shaken hands with politicians and plastered on a fake, reassuring smile when the media asked if they were any closer to finding a replacement chief, and all the while her body grew more and more tired.

She chose not to acknowledge that her clothes were starting to feel too big. One more notch on her belt. A tailored dress shirt now baggy in the sleeves and hips. Between the meetings and the fact that she was doing the job of three people, Maya barely had time for snacks let alone an actual meal.

It was yet another reason she was keeping her distance from Carina.

Her wife would take one look at her body and start fussing. She’d make Maya food and find ways to have it hand-delivered no matter where in Seattle Maya was spending her lunch hour. Mostly, Carina would love her, would tell her to rest. Would tell her that she deserved rest. And every time Maya let herself imagine Carina’s hands on her face or Carina’s lips on her neck, Mason’s voice would barrel in.

Louder than Lane’s now.

Except Lane spoke only lies and Mason spoke only truths.

As she drove up to the house, she was surprised to see Katherine’s car in the driveway. To her knowledge, they had no dinner plans. Plus, if Katherine was there, Mason likely was too. Maya pulled into the garage and then clutched the steering wheel. She didn’t want to see Mason. She wasn’t sure she could take anymore.

Eventually, her desire to see her children far outweighed her cowardly need to avoid Mason. Plus, the idea of Carina being alone with him made her uneasy, especially after Jamie’s warning.

The sun was just beginning to set as Maya walked into the kitchen. Carina stood at the sink, her back to Maya, and the light from the window cast her in pinks and yellows. She was breathtaking, even though she was just washing a few dishes, Maya thought her wife was breathtaking. Carina’s jeans were nothing fancy and Maya recognized the white collared shirt as her own, but it didn’t matter. She was perfection. She was everything Maya wanted and needed.

And nothing you deserve…

“Hey,” Maya said, spinning her wedding ring as Carina turned.

With a raised eyebrow, Carina reached for a dishtowel and began to dry her hands. “Hi.”

“Did you have a good day?”

Carina’s jaw twitched. She swallowed hard, her eyes calculating as if she was trying to decide which emotion to convey. Maya couldn’t blame her. Here they were, awkwardly standing in their own home, barely able to have a conversation.

“It was fine,” Carina said, crossing her arms. “What about you?”

Awful, stressful, infuriating.

“Fine,” Maya said, shoving her hands in her pockets. “Are the kids home?”

“Jamie is upstairs in her room reading. And Hayden is outside with Mason.”

“Oh.”

“Mason drove him home from their group meeting today,” Carina explained, barely concealing her annoyance.

Maya didn’t like that at all. “I thought Zane’s dad was driving him home.”

“So did I. But apparently Mason offered and then Hayden asked him to stay for dinner.”

“Oh.”

Carina’s nostrils flared, she clenched her hands into fists and then with a sharp exhale, she turned again towards the window, leaning forward.

“Hayden Andrea, come inside and help me with dinner.”

Maya could just make out a soft whine coming from the backyard.

“But Mama, I am busy!” Hayden called.

Carina tsk’d, and if not for the tension between them, Maya would have found the scene charming. Especially when Carina pinched her fingers and raised them, a very clear indication that she was in no mood to argue.

“You invited a guest, you will help me cook. This is not a restaurant, Tesoro!”

Hayden marched in seconds later, red-faced, but smiling. “Mama, I am here, va bene?”

“Va bene,” Carina laughed, lightly pinching his cheek. “Now go wash your hands and come back. These carrots will not peel themselves.”

“Fine,” Hayden said, dramatic as ever. “Mom, can you believe this treatment?”

Maya tussled his hair as he walked by, shaking her head.

The kitchen fell into silence, Hayden a temporary reprieve from the heavy air. Maya pointed towards the screen doors to the yard, shame curling in her stomach because she had caused…this.

“You won’t even touch me,” Carina whispered, her head bowed. “You come in and you barely say hello and you won’t touch me.”

Maya’s chest ached, the self-loathing unbearable. “Carina, I…”

“What, Maya? You what?”

But Hayden was back and Mason was alone outside, so Maya slipped away, incapable of watching Carina’s sadness any longer.

The evening was still, warm but not humid, a quiet moment of peace in an otherwise turbulent world. Maya paused as she took in the backyard, her lips lifting in the corners as she reached down to pick up Hayden’s discarded baseball glove. Carina’s herb garden was growing in abundance along the fence and soon enough, they would be hosting gatherings with friends around the BBQ.

At least, that’s what Maya had envisioned before Mason’s return.

He was standing in the middle of the yard, holding a baseball, his head tipped back as he looked at the sky. For once, he was dressed more casually than usual, likely a reflection of the weather. In shorts and a t-shirt, he looked less like Lane. It put Maya at ease.  

“Hey,” she said, awkwardly waving.

Mason turned, his shoulders visibly tense. “Hi.”

“You’re staying for dinner?”

“Hayden asked, but I suppose it’s up to you.”

Maya nodded. “You’re here. You should stay. I could go pick up Mom…”

“She’s at the library tonight. There’s some sort of knitting club?”

“Honestly, I think she just goes to get the latest gossip from her friends.”

Mason’s smile was genuine. It was his. The smile Maya remembered and she couldn’t help but smile back. She’d missed him so much over the years.

When he picked up a baseball from the ground, Maya’s smile turned soft. She raised her arm, waiting, and when he tossed the ball she was ready, catching it easily. As soon as it was in her hand, she tossed it back, watching Mason make an easy catch too.

As children, they so rarely played together. Lane had Maya training every minute she wasn’t in school, but on the rare weeknights when Lane worked late or on the weekends he’d go out of town for business, Maya and Mason would find themselves drawn together, almost giddy with excitement to just be kids for a few hours.

Playing catch with Mason brought back so many feelings. Contentment. Peace. She let herself forget her brother’s harsh words for a moment and concentrated on throwing the ball and catching it. Over and over.

Throw. Catch. Throw. Catch.

“You have a really nice life here,” Mason said, his eyes on the ball Maya had just pitched his way.

She waited until he caught it to answer. “I do. Are you happy in Montana?”

He ran his thumb over the red seam of the ball, the setting sun casting his figure in shadow that stretched out towards Maya. In some ways, his shadow had stretched out towards her for twenty years. Always lurking, full of hope and pain and guilt.

And love.

“I am,” Mason said, finally raising his chin.

“Do you…have someone there?” Maya asked, stuttering as she worried that her question was too intimate. She just wanted him to be happy. She just wanted him to have what she had because maybe if he did, all that guilt would lessen.

Mason shook his head, the easy smile gone. His shields were up again.

“No,” he said. “It’s not easy to find someone who shares my values.”

Maya didn’t know what that meant, but before she could question her brother further, Carina called them in for dinner. As Mason walked past her, his shadow followed, a spectre that temporarily darkened her world until he moved away, leaving Maya in fading sunlight.

~*~

A dull pain throbbed at the back of Maya’s neck as she watched her family eating dinner. They were in the kitchen, an extra chair pulled up for Mason at their table, and Maya wasn’t sure how she felt about the sight of her brother squished into the spot next to her and Hayden. When they had guests for dinner, they usually ate at their larger table in the dining room. Only Katherine had the honour of pulling up a fifth chair in the kitchen. Katherine or any number of Jamie and Hayden’s friends from school.

There was a casualness about it that set Maya on edge. She was so tired that it was hard to pinpoint what exactly was bothering her about the situation. Mason was a point of tension and seeing him literally inserted into her sacred family space was jarring. But she’d also hoped for this scenario for as long as she could remember. The dinner table in the Bishop household had been uncomfortable and, often, stressful. If Lane wasn’t reprimanding Mason or Katherine, he was controlling Maya’s food intake. She often spent the entire time in a state of fight or flight, just waiting for Lane’s temper to flare and trying to predict his reactions and needs.

Carina described her childhood kitchen table the same way. And now Carina was on her second glass of wine, her eyes cast down at her plate, far away despite sitting within reach. It wasn’t unusual for Carina to have more than one glass, but the speed at which she was drinking told Maya that her wife was upset or distracted or just trying to survive yet another awkward dinner.

Beside Maya, Jamie was also quite sullen. She’d barely spoken a word when she came down for dinner and saw that Mason was present. He hadn’t acknowledged her presence either. Now she sat next to Maya, picking at her chicken parm, looking for all the world like an ornery teenager.

Only Hayden was his usual self, talking to Mason about church group and school and his plans for the summer holiday.

Maya was acutely aware that her family was a mess. She had a wife who was beyond hurt by her actions. A daughter who felt unsafe because of Maya’s long-lost brother. And a son whose heart was going to be broken if Mason turned out not to be uncle material.

But Maya was so tired, she was stretched so thin, that she didn’t know where to even start fixing everything. The obvious solution was removing the problem. She just couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was, though she was almost positive that she was the problem. Which meant removing herself.

She picked up her wine glass and took a sip.

“So, Hayden, do you have any idea what you want to do after you graduate?” Mason asked, placing his napkin down. He’d cleared his plate again, apparently a fan of Carina’s cooking.

Hayden was in the middle of reaching for seconds as he started to nod profusely.

“I’m only in grade seven,” he said, “but I’m going to be a doctor like my Mama!”

Mason squeezed Hayden’s shoulder in approval. “That’s an impressive goal.”

“Jamie and I are both going to be doctors!” Hayden grinned, bouncing in his chair. “Except I’m going to be the medical kind and Jamie wants to be the science kind so she can study animals and take care of them and she’s going to have a big farm and we’re going to have chickens and dogs and maybe an alpaca!”

He gazed across the table, that same little boy who followed his big sister from room to room as a toddler, delighted just to be in her presence. Despite the mess, Maya took a moment to be grateful that her children loved each other and supported each other. She’d tried to do the same for Mason until she’d stopped trying at all. Jamie and Hayden would never be like that. They wouldn’t fail like she did.

Carina was smiling too and when she caught Maya’s eye, Maya didn’t look away. An entire conversation passed between them, silent, but clear. All pride.

“That’s right, fratellino,” Jamie said, some of the tension in her shoulders gone. Her voice was still hoarse from her cold and when she inhaled, there was a slight wheeze. Maya couldn’t help but worry.

Instead of responding to Jamie, Mason turned his face to Hayden.

“Have you ever thought about joining the military?” He asked, “They’re always in need of good doctors.”

Maya set her glass down harder than she meant to. The wine sloshed dangerous close to the brim, but thankfully, she managed to avoid a full spill.

“Absolutely not,” she said, horrified by the thought alone.

Mason furrowed his brow. “Oh? I would have thought as a first responder you would be more supportive of the military.”

“Why would we support the military industrial complex?” Jamie practically growled. “Being a first responder is way different than fighting in wars that just end up killing innocent people on both sides.”

Mason turned cold. He was Lane sitting at their table, staring at Jamie with barely concealed disgust.

“Sorry, Uncle Mason, but I’m with Mom and Jamie on this one,” Hayden shrugged. “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Carina cleared her throat and pushed back from the table. She stood, picking up her empty plate, efficiently cutting off the conversation before it could turn into something nasty. Maya didn’t miss the way her hands shook, or the look she shot Mason – full of suspicion.

“Bambini, help me clean up,” she said, leaving no room for argument. “And then homework.”

Jamie was the first to stand, relieved to have an excuse to flee. But Hayden pouted, sighing heavily as he picked up his plate and Mason’s plate. The pout disappeared as soon as he set the plates on the counter.

“Mama, can you help me with my bio quiz after?” He asked, catching her hand. He twirled her once and Carina’s laughter was oxygen, like a perfume in the air, curling around Maya, drowning her in such longing that she froze in place.

As if her family was slowly fading from view. They moved forward and she moved backwards and resentment stirred deep inside. She eyed Mason whose stare seemed forever fixed on Hayden and for the first time since his return, she wished more than anything that he’d never come home.

A vile thought.

A vile thought from a vile person.

Maya tipped her head down, losing sight of her world.

~*~

There was no polite way to kick Mason out of the house. Maya couldn’t quite figure out why he was still in her living room, staring at the picture frames on the mantle. Everyone else had gone upstairs, Hayden and Carina to study, Jamie to her room to read.

With her hands in her pockets, Maya carefully lingered behind the couch, feeling like a stranger in her own home.

“Remember how Dad wanted me to join the army?” Mason asked, his back to her as he studied each photograph.

Maya spun her wedding ring, her anxiety flaring. “Yeah. I do.”

“And do you remember what you said about it?”

“I tried to get him to back off. He wouldn’t listen, he…”

“You told me I should go.”

Maya frowned and shook her head. She had no idea what he was talking about.

“You said that I should just do what Dad wanted,” Mason explained, facing her, “and being away from home might be good for me.”

“I wanted him to stop hurting you.”

“By sending me off to the desert?”

Maya pinched the bridge of her nose, her temper rising. She was tired of this game. She was tired of Mason behaving one way in front of Hayden only to find her later and throw their childhood in her face.

“Are you angry because over thirty years ago I may have told you to join the army or are you mad because I don’t want to send my son to war?” She hissed, pointing at him. “Because I’m having a hard time keeping track of why you’re angry with me today, Mason. Please, enlighten me. I know you want to.”

Mason squared his shoulders, rising to his full height. He was so much taller than her. She’d never noticed before.

“I’m angry because he’s soft, Maya. And I know what happens to boys who are soft,” Mason said, the low, clipped words sending a shiver down her spine. She half expected him to demand she do laps around the neighbourhood.

“Don’t you dare say a word about my son,” Maya said. “Don’t you dare! He is perfect. He is kind and loving and so smart, Mason. He’s so beyond smart. Can’t you see that?”

“Of course I can see it! He has so much potential! But you surround him with women and degenerates and…”

“Excuse me?”

“You are setting him up to fail. You are setting him up for a life of humiliation.”

“You’re a parenting expert now? Is that it?”

“No,” Mason hissed, the muscle in his jaw twitching. “But I know what good parenting looks like and I know what bad parenting looks like. Dad was mean and cold and cruel, but you were worse, Maya. You were worse because you used me as a human shield. Instead of standing up for me, you let me drown. And you’re doing the exact same thing to your son.”

Maya grit her teeth, each word like a blow. “That’s not true.”

“It is. You know it is. I get that it’s been twenty years and people change. But not you. This farce,” he barked, gesturing to the room, “it’s bullshit. It’s all just lies to hide who you really are. You shouldn’t be a parent. Someone like you? Someone who only thinks about herself? Who will hurt the people closest to her just to get ahead? You don’t deserve that boy. You don’t deserve any of this. You’re a monster just like he was and…”

“You need to leave. Right now.”

Jamie’s voice cut through the room, her sudden presence in the doorway so shocking that Maya gasped, her ears ringing from Mason’s accusations.

She stepped into the room further – Jamie who was barely five feet tall, whose hair was in a messy bun, light brown strands loose around her temples, who was wearing her little brother’s favourite Spider-Man hoodie even though the sleeves were too long – and placed her body in front of Maya’s, protecting her.

“Leave,” Jamie said again, pointing to the door.

Mason raised his chin, his eyes narrow. He kept his gaze on Maya, barely blinking, as he stared her down.

“You let your children speak like this?” Mason asked, tilting his head.

Whether it was his height or his twitching jaw, Mason emanated threatening strength. He dwarfed Jamie, he could so easily reach out and hurt her. But he’d never do that. Maya shook away the thought. He was her brother. He was Mason. And Mason didn’t hurt people.

The moment he took a step closer to Jamie, Maya stopped her introspection. All she saw was a threat nearing her child. Her brain couldn’t tell the difference between Mason and a rabid dog. Instinct took over as Maya placed herself in front of Jamie and levelled her brother with an equally cold stare.

The stand-off lasted only a few seconds, though it felt like it stretched on for hours.

Mason turned towards the door and left, silent in his leave-taking. There was no slamming door, no barked threats. He was there one minute and gone the next, leaving Maya and Jamie in the living room, staring at the spot where he just stood.

“Baby,” Maya said, her throat feeling tight as she turned to Jamie. “I’m sorry you heard all that. I’m…”

“You need to tell Mama.”

“What?” Maya stuttered, feeling like she was losing control of the situation.

“You need to tell Mama what he said. He can’t come here anymore and Hayden can’t go to his creepy church – you need to tell her!”

Maya was a few seconds away from a panic attack, but she desperately tried to hold on, to be the grown up.

“I’ll deal with it,” she said, knowing it was lame. “I’ll…the things he said were…it’s complicated, Jamie, and I…”

As if on cue, Carina walked in. She was looking at her phone, her head bowed, but the obvious tension in the room must have alerted her because when she looked up, it was with open confusion.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, looking from Maya to Jamie. “Did Mason leave?”

“He did. Because I made him after what he said to Mom,” Jamie seethed.

All Maya could do was grimace. For as much as she loved her daughter’s sense of justice, in this moment she wished Jamie would set it aside. Would let it go.

“What did he say?” Carina’s alarm grew as she dropped her phone on the couch and placed both hands on her hips.

“He told her she shouldn’t be a parent, that she didn’t deserve us! He called her a monster!” Jamie swung both arms in the air, all Italian indignation.

Maya wanted to defuse the situation, she wanted to tell them that it was no big deal, just a normal sibling spat. Instead, she rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes, too scattered to speak.

“Cucciola, can you give Mom and I a minute?” Carina asked. Even with her eyes closed, Maya knew that Carina was likely hugging Jamie, comforting her.

She listened to Jamie shuffle away, back up the stairs, and then continued to wish the ground would swallow her whole.

“Maya,” Carina said in that way she had, the last syllable emphasized. “Bambina, please. Look at me.”

“It’s fine,” Maya said, forcing herself to make eye contact. “Things just got a little heated, but it’s fine.”

“It is not fine, Maya! How can you say this?”

“Because it’s the truth!”

Carina shook her head, clearly not agreeing. “Is this the first time he says these things?”

All the taunting voices in her head were telling her to lie. But Maya couldn’t do that – not to Carina. She felt like a child being scolded, her shoulders hunched, her head lowered in embarrassment.

“No,” she confessed. “He’s said some other things. But…”

“What has he said?”

“Carina…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

The volcanic eruption was inevitable. Weeks of hidden wounds bubbled up, Carina’s love like a magnet that tore Maya open. She couldn’t hold it back, she couldn’t even pretend to try.

“Because it’s all true!” She yelled, clenching her fists. “Every single thing he’s said about me is true! I am a monster. I’m cold and mean and broken inside. It’s only a matter of time before you see it, before everyone sees it!”

“Maya,” Carina’s voice shook, her eyes swimming with tears. “Amore mio…”

“No! Stop! Don’t make excuses for me!”

Carina took a step forward and extended her hand. “Maya, you are not…”

“Stop!” Maya barked again. “How can you not see it? How can you not see that I’m garbage, Carina? He almost died because of me! He lost everything because of me! So, yes, he’s said some things, but I can’t blame him for it – how can I blame him for telling the truth?”

“Because he’s wrong! Because…”

“He’s not! Can’t you see? Can’t you see I’m a monster? The things I’ve done to people, the things I’ve done to you…”

“Maya, do you even hear yourself? Stop saying these awful things! You are…”

“I’ve tried to be the kind of person who deserves this life, but I’m not! I’m not! He is. I took everything from him – he should have this. He…”

“I don’t want him anywhere near us again!”

Maya stopped herself mid-rant, silenced by the anger emanating from Carina. It was shocking. Her wife stood in the middle of their living room, rage seeping from every pour. She was all fury, but none of it was directed at Maya. The flared nostrils, the wide, dark eyes – Carina looked ready to storm out of the house and find Mason herself.

“He has done this to you,” Carina said, her voice growing louder as she closed the space between them and took Maya’s face in her hands, “he…he has tortured you! And hurt you! And made you believe all these things…is this why you won’t come near me? Why you won’t sleep in our bed?”

“I don’t des…”

“Basta! He won’t come near you ever again! He won’t come near any of us!”

The theme of the evening seemed to be unexpected appearances, so when both Jamie and Hayden burst into the room, Maya was both surprised and frustrated because there was no controlling this anymore. The mess was out in the open, spreading, and she couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“That’s not fair!” Hayden said, his face already red.

Jamie scoffed, as furious as Carina. “He’s a terrible person, Hayden! He said horrible things to Mom. He…”

“None of you ever gave him a chance!” Hayden shouted. “He’s not a terrible person! Our whole family is dead or they don’t talk to us and now you won’t let me see Uncle Mason?”

Maya raised her hand, knowing she needed to jump in and say something, but floundering in the midst of this domestic disaster.

“He’s not a good person,” Jamie argued. “I know you want to believe he is, but he’s not!”

Hayden’s inhaled sharply, puffing out his chest, his eyes blazing. “I’d rather be like him than go crazy like Zio Andrea!”

There was no SFD protocol book for parenting. No aged guide to whisper advice in moments like this. So much of it was guesswork, was hope. That they’d made the right choices. That they’d done the best they could.

There was no preparation for when your son said something so devastating that it seemed to somehow shatter air.

Maya didn’t know what to do. Or what to say.

She watched her son storm off, all the way up the stairs, and when he slammed his door, the entire house shook. Down to the very foundations.

Jamie stood with her mouth wide open, clearly shocked by her brother’s words. But Maya only had eyes for Carina who was eerily still.

Whose cheeks had hollowed, who looked gaunt. Whose sickly pallor evoked some of the most painful moments of their lives. Illness and loss.

Hurt.

Maya had put such a distance between them that it now felt wrong to just pull Carina into her arms and comfort her.

“Let him cool off,” Carina whispered, unfocused.

Jamie scoffed, her eyes brimming with tears. “Mama, he…he shouldn’t have said that. He probably didn’t mean it…he…Hayden would never…”

“I know,” Carina said, “it’s okay, Cucciola.”

But it wasn’t.

Maya knew Carina too well to buy her comforting words. She didn’t need to touch Carina or even speak to Carina to know that her wife was hurting. She felt Carina’s agony in her own body, in her gut.

They shared everything – children, a home. Love.

A soul.

Maya nodded, forcing herself into action. “Mama is right, Baby. We’ll just give Hayden a little space and fix everything in the morning. I promise.”

“How can you fix this?” Jamie asked, questioning Maya’s ability to swoop in and save the day for the first time in her life.

Hayden’s words had winded her. Jamie’s tore her apart.

“I’m sorry,” was all Maya could think to say. Apologizing for the disaster she’d made. As if she could.

Jamie sniffled, her chin wobbly, defeated and tired.

This room was usually so full of joy. Nights spent watching movies together. Cold winters in front of the fireplace. Christmas trees and snacks and naps on the couch. Now it was dark. Oppressive. All the light had dimmed, extinguished. Snuffed out in sharp words and anger.

Jamie didn’t say goodnight. She walked away from them, following Hayden, and even though she didn’t slam her bedroom door, the soft click as she closed it felt equally loud.

Alone, Maya chanced a step closer to Carina, pausing when Carina raised her hand and shook her head.

“I’m going upstairs,” Carina said, her eyes firmly on the carpet.

Maya swallowed hard. “Do you…I mean, if you wanted…we could talk?”

“Talk? I think we’ve all talked enough tonight.”

And then she was gone too, up the stairs, into their bedroom.

Maya didn’t move for a full five minutes. She just stood, feeling like she was in the middle of a crime scene, and when the thought became unbearable, she stumbled away, to the kitchen. The first thing she cleaned was the countertop. The fridge was covered in fingerprints, so that was next. She scrubbed the oven door and wiped down the table and then started on the downstairs bathroom.

The night stretched on and Maya prowled, an exile cursed to wander, far from home. She paced the guest room, the walls closing in, her mind at war with her heart.

Her heart eventually won.

She could put her own turmoil aside. She could stomach her own trauma and her own pain. But she could not bear the thought of Carina alone with hers.

Each step towards their bedroom was subconscious. Her body moved of its own volition, down the hallway, beyond closed doors, the dark no match for her determination. She crept into her bedroom, trying to remember why she’d spent so much time away from this sacred space where they’d held each other through life’s beauty and life’s cruelty too.

The sheets were cool as Maya slipped in, and when she curled her body around Carina’s, she could not hold in the relieved sigh. With her front pressed in close to Carina’s back, Maya draped one arm over Carina’s middle, her lips against Carina’s t-shirt covered shoulder.

“Now you hold me?” Carina said, her voice hitching as she tried not to cry.

Maya inhaled, flattening her hand against Carina’s stomach. “Yes.”

There was a low sob, the body in her arms trembled, and when Carina started crying, Maya wiggled even closer, her knees locked behind Carina’s.

“He did not mean it,” Carina wept, curving her hand over Maya’s and linking their fingers.

“I know.”

“I’m so mad at you.”

“That’s okay,” Maya whispered, smiling softly when she felt Carina pull their joined hands to her chest. “Let it all out, my love. I’m here.”

“Are you?”

For the second time that night, a question tore a hole in Maya’s chest. It was asked with no accusation. Carina had every reason to doubt Maya’s sincerity. She had every reason to doubt Maya.

“I am,” Maya promised. “I’m here.”

Carina’s sobs turned into soft hiccups, but Maya held on, peppering Carina’s shoulder with light kisses, hoping to soothe. She stilled as Carina turned in her arms, and then Carina’s face was wedged into her neck, Carina’s leg was hitched over Maya’s thighs, Carina was there, every perfect inch of her.

For the first time since Mason’s return, Maya slept. 

Chapter Text

A week passed by in chilly silence.

Hayden refused to speak to them beyond the occasional grunt. It was so hard to know what to do. While it was true that he’d been disrespectful, he’d also spoken from a place of confusion and fear. Could they really punish him for being upset about something that he had every right be upset about?

Carina knew that if she and Maya were in a better place, they’d likely figure out how best to handle the situation. Instead, they’d both inadvertently chosen avoidance, letting Hayden be in his room or in the basement, allowing him to process in his own time.

Maybe it was bad parenting. Carina couldn’t decide. She didn’t feel like seeking advice from her friends. She was just so tired and a little shell-shocked and worried.

At least Maya was back in their bed.

Carina always tried to find silver linings and her wife sleeping next to her was certainly that. Like Hayden, Maya was quiet, pensive. She looked uncharacteristically unkempt – her hair often in a messy ponytail, her uniform creased. The purple under her eyes was concerning, as was her noticeable weight loss. Carina hadn’t seen her wife fully naked in weeks, but she could tell that Maya’s clothes hung a little looser on her frame. Her jaw and cheekbones were like razors.

Each night, Maya would cling to her, so tightly that Carina woke up with finger-print bruises on her arms. Maya whimpered in her sleep, crying out occasionally, lost and frightened like a child in the dark. Carina would hold her, whisper to her, anything to ease Maya, to help her sleep.

Maya usually sought comfort through physical touch. A sneaky hand up Carina’s shirt, or, better yet, a sneaky hand between Carina’s legs. Now, she only shook and accidentally bruised Carina’s skin and woke each morning with dull eyes.

And then there was Katherine.

On the day of Maya and Mason’s final argument, Mason had apparently moved into a hotel without any explanation for his mother. Katherine was understandably distraught. She’d begged Maya to tell her what had happened, but this too led to a tricky situation. Because there was Carina’s version of events and Maya’s version of events. Not to mention Jamie’s version and Hayden’s.

Mason likely had his own angle, as well.

Carina didn’t know how to tell her mother-in-law that her son had emotionally tortured her daughter since the moment he set foot in Seattle. She didn’t know how to explain her rage, her heartbreak. Years of therapy and healing were no match for Mason. He’d walked into their lives and detonated a grenade. She couldn’t stop thinking about all the horrible things that Maya had said about herself. That she apparently believed about herself. Mason had reached into Maya’s brain and squeezed, poking at all the trauma and all the regret until Maya was a bleeding heap, her self-loathing enough to drive her away from Carina’s bed. From Carina’s love.

Maya would disagree. She’d tell Katherine that Mason was right. That he’d said some awful things, true. But he was just being honest.

As Carina awkwardly sat at Katherine’s kitchen table, she tried to stay present. She’d brought Jamie with her, though Jamie had spent most of the morning curled up on Katherine’s couch.

“I just don’t understand,” Katherine said, nursing a cup of tea. Her eyes were glassy and when she set her cup on the saucer, it rattled in her shaking hands.

Carina nodded her head in understand, still unsure how best to soften the blow. “Mason has been away for a long time. I think that…”

“Did he say something? Did he do something wrong?”

“He…he and Maya had an argument,” Carina explained. “Some of what he said was very hurtful. I understand that they did not have an easy childhood, but he is very angry, Katherine. And people like him…that type of anger…I do not want it around the children.”

Or my wife.

Katherine turned quiet, lost in her thoughts, and Carina knew that there was no use trying to carry on the discussion. Her mother-in-law was so like Maya sometimes. Carina could read the firm line of Katherine’s mouth, the slump in her shoulders. She needed space and she needed privacy and, in the meantime, Carina hoped to provide quiet support as best she could.

In truth, Carina wanted to go home. She usually found Katherine’s house warm and inviting, but now there was something oppressive in the air. There were so many problems to solve and no answers, which left Carina agitated. Her mind darted from Jamie’s health to Hayden’s silence to Maya…

The thought of Maya closed Carina’s throat. She stood, turning before Katherine could see her tears. With a soft excuse she walked out of the kitchen and down the small hallway towards the bathroom. She locked the door and braced her hands on the countertop, her wobbly chin and watery eyes reflected back as she stared into the mirror.

Maya’s hate was directed inwards, but it felt like an outward blow to Carina.

Did Maya really believe that Mason was telling the truth?

Did she see herself as a monster? A bad parent?

As someone unworthy of their family, of the life they’d built?

What hurt the most was the fact that instead of letting her in, Maya had put up walls. She’d kept Carina at arm’s length in some twisted attempt to punish herself. Somehow, Carina had become part of Maya’s self-harm. Self-harm she was driven to by manipulation and trauma.

Carina turned on the sink and leaned down, splashing some cool water on her face. Her eyeliner was a little smudged, so she tried her best to plot it with a Kleenex, wondering if everyone around her could tell that she was a mess inside. For a moment, she thought about calling Gabriella. She needed a reality check, a metaphorical slap to help her focus and calm. But hiding in Katherine’s bathroom while her daughter and mother-in-law lingered close by was not going to help anyone, so Carina pushed away the thought and stood tall. She tussled her hair, pinching her cheeks a little to bring back some colour, and then forced herself to smile.

Jamie finally had an appointment for a chest x-ray that afternoon. Plus, Maya would be home with Hayden later in the day and Carina wanted to be there when they arrived. Even though Hayden was giving them the silent treatment, she felt strongly about presenting a united front.

With one final glance at her reflection, Carina squared her shoulders and opened the door, stepping out into the hallway. The lightbulb was out, yet another point on Maya’s list of small repairs she had to do for Katherine, so Carina blinked, adjusting to the gloom.

It’s why she didn’t immediately see him.

She raised her head, fully expecting a clear path back to the living room, but instead a man stood in her way, tall and looming, his body angled to block her.

Carina gasped, pressing a hand to her chest, the shock only subsiding when she realized it was Mason. And then the shock turned to discomfort.

“Excuse me,” she said, pointing beyond him and taking a step forward.

Mason didn’t move. He stared at her, grim, and for the first time Carina realized how broad his shoulders were, how strong he seemed. On Maya she found shapely biceps unbearably attractive. On Mason, she only felt growing fear.

“Did you tell him he couldn’t see me anymore?” Mason asked, his tone flat, almost conversational.

“You’re in my way, Mason,” Carina said. “I need to get back to Jamie.”

“I asked a question.”

“What Maya and I decide for our son is not your business.”

He hummed, nodding, and then took another step closer. She could smell his aftershave. There was a hint of sweat too, and the sensation of him so close, close enough that she could feel the heat radiating off his body…

She recognized what he was doing. Intimidation. Fear tactics.

Carina swallowed hard, forcing herself not to react as an old memory surfaced.

“I keep wondering what type of person would marry someone like her,” he said, leaning in, forcing her against the wall. He pressed his hand to the spot beside her head, and there was nothing Carina could do to stop the slight whimper she released. She started shaking, her knees wobbly, but some part of her refused to let him see it. To let him have this piece of herself.

“Move,” she said again. “Before I call for Katherine.”

Mason apparently didn’t care. His eyes sparkled in the same way Maya’s did, except Maya’s eyes were beautiful and loving and his eyes were filled with cruelty. With hate.

“What type of person would allow someone like her around children?” Mason asked, tilting his head. “What type of sick person would do something like that?”

“Stop it.”

“You’re just another trophy on her shelf.”

Carina was not a violent person, but she balled her hands into fists, willing herself not to throw a punch. He seemed to sense her anger, his lips lifting in the corner as he placed his other hand next to her head, boxing her in. Boxing her in just like that night, when she was seventeen…

In the bathroom stall…

At the club…

She couldn’t move…

She couldn’t fight…

She couldn’t…

No.

The word echoed in her mind. A gate slammed down deep inside, a wall made of grit and steel. She swallowed hard, refusing to drift away, refusing to let Mason take her to that place.

“She’s just like him,” Mason continued, his breath hot on her face, “there’s no way you haven’t seen it. How many times has she hurt you? Has she chosen herself over you? How many times has she torn you down to raise herself up?”

Carina’s nostrils flared, her love for Maya far outweighing her fear of Mason. “You do not get to speak about my wife.”

“Your wife,” he scoffed. “Let me tell you something about your wife. She…”

“Dio mio, you are so small, Mason Bishop. You are your father’s son.”

His eyes turned black. She’d hit the target.

“You have a mouth on you, I’ll give you that,” Mason hissed. “Even if I can barely understand a word. You know we speak English in this country, right?”

Before she could respond, they both heard a cough from nearby. Mason froze as Jamie appeared and then he moved so quickly that Carina startled. He was gone, standing in the doorway of the guest bedroom, somehow out of reach.

“Mama?” Jamie asked, her brow furrowed.

Carina exhaled and forced a smile. “Are you ready to go?”

Jamie was still staring at Mason, even as Carina hurried towards her and lightly grasped her arms. He was no longer scowling, he looked almost friendly, though Carina could see under the façade now. She could see the calculating, manipulative readjustment of his facial features. She could see all the lies.

“Just picking up some things,” he explained. “Good to see you both. Give my best to Hayden.”

Carina didn’t waste another second. She practically dragged Jamie into the living room, the sunlight and the solid feel of Jamie almost enough to still her shaking hands.

“Mama, did he…?” Jamie trailed off, clearly confused.

“We’re going to be late, Tesoro, let’s say goodbye to Gran.”

Jamie shook her head. “Mama, you’re shaking. What did he do?”

“Nothing,” Carina swore, stroking Jamie’s cheek. “Everything is fine.”

The disappointment in Jamie’s eyes was yet another wound. Carina knew in an instant that she’d handled this wrong, that lying to Jamie would only lead to more harm. She tucked a long strand of honey-brown hair behind Jamie’s ear, drawn in by those wide blue eyes. By the small cleft in Jamie’s chin.

“We will talk in the car,” Carina whispered, aware of Katherine and Mason nearby. “Prometto, Tesoro.”

Lucia had sometimes kept Carina at arm’s length and she’d sometimes pulled her too close. Carina was on the receiving end of cruel rants from both parents – mean-spirited tirades that tore each other down. She was a therapist for Lucia and, more often than not, a punching bag for Vincenzo, his digs at Lucia meant to hurt Carina just as much as her Mamma.

It’s why her gut instinct was to keep Jamie away from the mess. But Jamie was already in the mess. Mason had made sure of it. So, Carina decided to stop letting her past dictate her present and do what was best for her daughter. Not Lucia DeLuca’s daughter. Her daughter.

They managed to leave Katherine’s house without any more drama. Carina worried about leaving Katherine alone with Mason, except Katherine was an adult and she was allowed to make her own choices too. She’d refused to come with them, insisting that she wanted to talk to her son.

As they were leaving, Carina caught Katherine watching Mason with a mother’s eyes. So full of love and yearning. It was easy to forget that Mason was Katherine’s youngest. Her baby. Just like Hayden was their youngest. Their baby.

Jamie waited until they were two blocks away to ask Carina again what had happened. In the safety of the car, far from Mason, Carina puffed out her cheeks and exhaled, letting go of any residual adrenaline.

“He is very angry that we’re not letting Hayden attend his group,” Carina explained, gripping the steering wheel.

Jamie crossed her arms. “Why was he standing so close to you?”

Because he wanted to scare me. He wanted to hurt Maya by hurting me. He wanted to take something from his sister.

“Because he is a sad, pathetic man,” Carina grumbled, “and sometimes sad, pathetic men do sad, pathetic things.”

“Are you going to tell Mom?”

Carina sighed, wishing she never had to speak of Mason Bishop again. “Yes. Hopefully, Mason leaves Seattle soon. But if he doesn’t, we will figure out a way to make this right. I don’t know how yet, but we will.”

Honesty, no matter how painful, was always Carina’s first choice. She wanted her children to trust her, to know that her words meant something, that they could confide in her always. Lies or half-truths led to rifts and closed doors.

“Hayden didn’t mean what he said,” Jamie said, so softly, her head tipped down. “He didn’t hear what Mason said to Mom…he…he was just…”

“I know, amore mio.”

“If he’d heard what Mason said…”

Jamie trailed off and when Carina chanced a quick look, she ached to see Jamie’s cheeks stained with tears. With her eye still on the road on the road, Carina reached out, tracing Jamie’s jaw with her thumb, catching a few stray droplets.

“Mom believes him, doesn’t she?” Jamie whispered, sniffling.

Carina’s bottom lip wobbled. Her sensitive piccolina was always so astute. So precise in her ability to see through the fog. There were times when Carina wished that Jamie was less perceptive, if only to keep her safe, to keep her innocent.

With a deep breath, Carina pulled over into the parking lot of a strip mall. They still had a little time before Jamie’s appointment and it was impossible to have this discussion while she was trying to drive. As soon as the car was parked, Carina turned in her seat, taking Jamie’s hand.

“When I first met Mom, she didn’t recognize her father’s abuse,” Carina said. “She thought he was a good parent – supportive, focused on her career. When she finally understood that he had abused her, that his support and focus had caused her harm, it was like her entire reality collapsed.”

“What made her understand?” Jamie asked, wide-eyed.

Carina held in a wince, forcing her face still. The last thing she wanted was to tell Jamie about exactly what led to Maya’s enlightenment. Out of respect for Maya and out of respect for their relationship, it was something Carina would never share. But there was a way to speak the truth without revealing every ugly detail.

“We had a very bad argument about her father,” Carina said. “And we broke up for a little. During that time, Lane visited Mom at work, he behaved inappropriately at a scene. I think it opened her eyes.”

Jamie’s grip on Carina’s hand tightened. “You’re not going to break up now, though…right?”

“Oh, Cucciola, no,” Carina whispered, cupping Jamie’s cheek. “You never need to worry about that. Even if it seems like Mom and I are having a disagreement, there is so much love there. Mom promised me forever at our wedding and your Mom always keeps her promises.”

Jamie nodded, her relief palpable.

“Lane abused Mom in a very specific way. It was different for each of them,” Carina continued. “With Gran and Mason, he was cruel. He was with Mom too, but…”

“Like how he wouldn’t let her eat certain things?”

“Yes. Mason probably grew up watching Lane favour Mom – he didn’t recognize the way Lane was abusing her. So now…”

“He thinks Mom is just as bad as their dad.”

Jamie clenched her jaw, but there were no tears. Only righteous anger. She raised her chin, defiant, her cheeks flushed. Beautiful and vibrant and forever Carina’s miracle.

“People react to abuse differently,” Carina said. “And sometimes people who are abused turn into abusers themselves.”

“Mom isn’t abusive!” Jamie huffed, leaning back in her chair with her arms crossed. “He doesn’t even know her! He doesn’t know us!”

Despite the severity of the conversation, Carina smiled softly. Some of her earliest memories of discussing children with Maya revolved around breaking abuse cycles. They’d spent hours on the couch in their old condo, sharing a glass of wine, promising that they would never be like their parents. Jamie’s defensive anger was all the evidence Carina needed to know they’d been successful.

The Maya that Jamie and Hayden knew was loving and kind. She was a constant source of strength and protection. They didn’t fear sitting around the dinner table. They didn’t hesitate before stepping into the house. Her children didn’t know what it was to walk on eggshells in their own home.

Until Mason.

“You’re right, Cucciola,” Carina said, “And I think Mom knows you are right too. We just need to remind her.”

“He’s evil.”

“I don’t kn…”

“Only an evil person would treat Mom the way he treats her. I know that he was abused and I know that he’s been through a lot. But that doesn’t give him the right to hurt people. You should’ve seen her face when he called her a monster. It…it was like he hit her. Like he slapped her. And today…I didn’t like the way he was standing so close to you. It looked…I don’t know…I could tell you were scared, Mama. I get that I’m the kid and Mom always says that she’ll keep us safe, but I think we need to keep her safe now. Because he’s dangerous. I just know it.”

Jamie was still so young, but they had raised her to speak her mind. To be present in the world. To love big because there was no other way to love. Carina couldn’t bring herself to assure Jamie that the adults would take care of everything.

The adults needed all the help they could get.

“You are so wise, my Jamie,” Carina whispered instead, “And Mom and I are so lucky that you are ours.”

Jamie blushed and ducked her head, but she didn’t let go of Carina’s hand.

As Carina drove to the hospital, she placed Mason on a temporary shelf and turned her mind to Jamie’s appointment. Thanks to Teddy, Jamie was finally having a chest x-ray, but the fact that Jamie’s colds seemed to be cyclical worried Carina. She knew that schools were full of germs and Jamie spent a lot of time in close proximity to her teammates – not a week passed without someone having the sniffles or a cough. But Jamie’s asthma was an added complication.

Her senior position in the hospital meant that Carina was allowed to be in the imaging room while Jamie had her x-ray. She watched through the window as Jamie stood in a hospital gown, her arms raised while the x-ray tech moved the machine into position. Jamie looked a little frail, her usual healthy glow replaced with tired eyes and pale skin.

There was a sharp knock on the door followed by Teddy walking into the room, and Carina exhaled in relief. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the technicians, but Teddy Altman was Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery. And, of equal importance, Teddy Altman loved the DeLuca-Bishop children and was an integral part of their village.

“Mind if I cut in?” Teddy asked, pointing to the chair. The lab tech shook his head and then stood, letting Teddy take his place. As soon as he left the room, Carina took the other empty chair, her eyes never leaving Jamie.

“You said she’s had a cold for a few weeks?” Teddy flicked a switch, indicating that the X-Ray could begin.

Carina nodded. “Intermittent fever too. Some lethargy. And she’s definitely lost weight.”

“Hmmm.”

“I’m worried about pneumonia.”

Teddy narrowed her eyes as the first scan appeared on the screen. It was mostly clean, though Carina could see a few faint, white spots on Jamie’s lungs.

“Walking pneumonia?” Carina guessed. That would explain the coughing and fevers.

Another scan appeared and this time, Teddy sat back, turning her face to Carina.

“I’ll prescribe some antibiotics and let’s do a blood draw to rule out anything bacterial, but yes, I’m seeing walking pneumonia too,” Teddy said. “Lots of rest and fluids and she’ll be back to her usual self.”

Her usual self.

Mason had burst into their lives like an infectious fungus. He was creeping black mold, poisoning the air. Poisoning Maya’s mind and Hayden’s heart. Jamie was the first to see it. The first to smell the rot.

Carina’s thoughts drifted to Hayden, to his anger and his sadness. She felt responsible.

They’d picked their sperm donor so carefully. They’d gone through the proper genetic testing. But there was always a chance that Hayden could develop Andrea’s illness. Carina could never regret their choices because those choices had led to Hayden, but she wondered if she’d been selfish all those years ago. She knew the statistics were in their favour. She also knew that statistics were fallible.

The stark truth was that her genes scared Hayden. The parts of herself that she gave him, the building blocks of his life, scared him.

Maybe Mason had infected her too? Maybe he’d planted this seed of self-loathing just like he’d manipulated Maya into believing the worst of herself. Maybe that was Laine Bishop’s true legacy. He’d passed on his manipulation, his cruelty, his heartless violence to his son.

Jamie slept all the way home, curled up in the passenger seat, which gave Carina far too much time for introspection. She could feel the negative thoughts seeping in, dimming her usual optimism. Traffic was heavy and Carina couldn’t play any music lest she wake Jamie, so she drove and she tried to find some hope, some good.

They would all be home tonight.

She decided that it was time to sit Hayden down for a conversation. It was time to confront the problem – ignoring it was only making everything worse. Even if all he wanted to do was yell, at least it would be a release of tension. He could yell or cry or laugh or dance…

Anything was better than silence.

After a quick stop at the pharmacy to pick up Jamie’s prescription, Carina finally pulled into the garage, tired but determined. She couldn’t predict Maya’s mood or how their discussion with Hayden would go – but the idea of sharing a bed, of sleeping side by side, was also easing some of Carina’s angst.

What she really craved was intimacy.

She knew that she and Maya were in no place to have sex. Maya’s mental state was fragile and Carina felt a little shaky too. The level of vulnerability sex required might be too much, but Carina desperately wanted to feel connected to her wife physically and emotionally. She wanted to sleep in Maya’s arms, smell Maya’s hair. She wanted to massage Maya’s back, to touch those sore muscles, to heal them.

Carina remained focused on her evening plans as she started preparing dinner. Jamie almost immediately disappeared upstairs for a nap, taking her antibiotics with her, and Carina prayed that Teddy was right and soon, Jamie would be her usual, energetic self. Maya was likely picking up Hayden from his after-school floor hockey game and Carina was pleased to see that they had a well-stocked supply of gelati in the freezer. Difficult conversations were always less difficult if gelati was involved.

Her vibrating phone pulled her attention, and as she swiped her thumb across the screen, she expected it to be Maya letting her know they were on her way. It was Maya, but her message made Carina tense, her heartbeat accelerating.

Bambina: He’s not here

Carina: What do you mean?

Bambina: Apparently Zane’s dad picked him up for their church group?

Carina swallowed hard, the idea of Hayden anywhere near Mason turning her stomach. She was about to call Maya when her phone started to ring, an unknown number on the display.

“Hello?” She said, a little shrill.

“Carina? Hey, this is Rod, Zane’s dad.”

“Is Hayden with you?”

There was some shuffling on the line before Rod spoke again. “Yeah. He’s pretty upset. I was just checking if you were home because he asked if I could drop him off early, but I don’t want him to be alone. He can always come hang out with Zane at our place and I’ll bring him later?”

Hayden was upset? He wanted to leave Mason’s group early? Why was he at group in the first place? How did he get there?

What the hell was going on?

“I’m home,” Carina said. “Can you give him the phone?”

The shuffling returned, followed by a familiar voice. “Mama, I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s okay, amore mio. We will talk when you get home. But are you okay?”

Hayden paused and Carina was pretty sure she heard him sniffling. “No.”

“Va bene, Tesoro, come home and we will fix everything. I promise.”

“Mama?”

“Sì?”

“Ti voglio bene.”

Carina bit her lip, wishing Hayden was within reach. “I love you too, angioletto mio. Per sempre.”

She hung up, quickly sending a text to Maya telling her to come home too, and then the wait began.  All thoughts of dinner prep were placed aside. Carina was nearly pacing as Maya finally walked in the door, looking as scrambled as Carina felt.

“Is he home?” Maya asked, looking into the living room.

Carina shook her head. “No, but he should be soon. Oh, and Jamie has walking pneumonia.”

“What?”

“Teddy gave her antibiotics and they’re running a blood test, but…”

“I’m fine, Mom,” Jamie called from the stairs. She appeared in the kitchen, wrapped in a comically large blanket, but as soon as she saw her moms, she frowned.

“Are you guys okay? Where’s Hayden?” She asked, staring at Maya.

The front door opened before anyone could explain.

“Passerotto,” Carina called, her arms already outstretched as he walked in. He was pale, spooked, and Carina could tell just by looking at him that his hands were shaking. She pulled him to her, holding in a sigh as he melted against her. With her fingers stroking his hair, Carina tried to soothe, unsure what was happening but relieved that after a week of anger and silence, Hayden was close again. She could protect him like this, no matter what the outside world had tried to do. Here, in her arms, under their roof with Maya beside her, she could keep him safe. Even if only temporarily.

“You’re okay, Bam,” Maya said softly, rubbing his back. Her other hand settled on Carina’s shoulder and hope flickered in Carina’s chest. Maya’s touch was what she needed to feel safe too.

When Hayden finally leaned away, his face was red. He dropped his gaze, ashamed, but Carina never let go of him and neither did Maya.

“I’m really sorry,” he said, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t mean it.”

Carina cupped his cheek, her smile pain. “I know, Hayden. But…”

“And…today…I…I’m sorry, I’m sorry Moms, I…” His breathing was shallow, almost panicked, and without exchanging a word, Maya and Carina both started moving Hayden towards the kitchen table. They sat him down and then took the chairs next to him. Jamie sat too, still bundled in her blanket, her worried eyes locked on her brother.

“Can you tell us what happened tonight?” Maya asked, her voice hoarse. She sounded so tired. Tired and weary.

They all did.

Hayden raised his head, looking right at Jamie.

“Va bene, fratellino,” she said with a nod, her approval apparently all Hayden needed to open up.

He swallowed hard, folding his hands on the table. “Uncle Mason texted me at lunch today and asked if I was coming to church. At first I was going to say no, because you said I couldn’t, but…I was so mad and I wanted to see him, so I told Zane’s dad that I was allowed…and I told my teacher that I wasn’t going to be at floor hockey…I know it was wrong, I’m sorry, I…”

“What did Mason say in his message?” Maya asked, scratching lightly at the back of his head. Her touch was so gentle, so loving. She could have easily berated Hayden for lying and scaring them to death. Most parents would. For someone convinced that she was a monster, Maya was projecting nothing but love. Everything about her – from the way she kept her voice calm to the comforting hand in Hayden’s hair – spoke to that beautiful heart.

And Mason had questioned this? He’d made her question this?

Carina found the very idea devastating.

“He said he was putting together a special program tonight,” Hayden continued. “And he didn’t want me to miss it. He said it was just for me.”

The hurt on Hayden’s face was potent. Carina inched her chair closer, laying one of her hands over his on the table. He immediately linked their fingers.

“When I got there, everything seemed normal,” Hayden said. “All the usual guys were there and we had cookies and sodas. Uncle Mason seemed really happy to see me. He hugged me and told me he’d saved me a spot at the front. There was a man working with him…I’d never seen him before, but he set up a screen and a laptop. I just thought we were going to watch a movie like we always do.”

Hayden paused, a single tear dripping down his cheek.

“It wasn’t a movie,” he whispered. “Uncle Mason started talking about abortion. He said it was killing babies and that the government was wrong to make it legal again. He…he showed pictures of dead babies, except they weren’t dead human babies, they were dead animals and I tried to tell him, but he told me that was a lie. And then…then he said that people who perform abortions are murderers and…”

Maya had gone so still that Carina was worried she’d started to disassociate. Even Jamie was silent, her gaze never leaving Hayden’s face.

“He put up a picture of the man that bombed Station 19,” Hayden said, choked, “and…and he told everyone that people like him were heroes. He looked right at me when he said it and I got mad, I told him he was wrong, that the bombing almost killed Mama, but when I said it…he…he smiled at me. Why would he do that?”

Carina had to remind herself to take a breath. She understood exactly why Mason had smiled. For the same reason he had cornered her in that hallway. Men like Mason thrived on the fear of others. He was trying to hurt Maya by attacking what she loved most. And judging from Maya’s shaking jaw, it was working.

“I’m going to find him right now,” Maya barked, rising with such force that her chair fell over. “Was he still at the community centre? Did he say wh…”

“Maya,” Carina reached out, snagging Maya’s wrist. “Let’s just…”

“No!” Maya stormed towards the counter, searching for her car keys. “He doesn’t get to do this! Not to my family!”

Carina prayed Jamie wouldn’t mention Mason’s behaviour at Katherine’s. The last thing Carina needed was to add more fuel to the raging fire inside her wife. She planned to tell Maya eventually, but she knew telling her now would be too much. Somehow, Carina understood that it would tip Maya’s rage into violence though what type of violence, she could not say. Maya was not a violent person. She didn’t lash out physically and she never had.

But this…

Carina decided to take control of the situation as best she could.

“Bambina, sit down,” she said, tipping her head towards Hayden. A reminder that they had to be parents, that their own feelings needed to be placed aside.

Maya’s nostrils flared, but she obeyed, sinking back into the chair.

“Okay, bambini, let’s just all take a deep breath,” Carina guided, inhaling herself. She watched as all three of her loves did the same, three sets of beautiful blue eyes following her every move.

Once she could tell that everyone had calmed, she took Hayden’s hand again and squeezed.

“No one is going anywhere tonight,” she said, raising one finger at Maya. “Jamie, you need to rest, Tesoro. And Hayden, you and me and Mom still need to talk about a lot of things. So, Mom is going to make pancakes for dinner and we will figure it out from there. Capisci?”

Her instructions were met with reluctant nods. With a kiss to Hayden’s forehead, she sent him off to change his clothes, Jamie following close behind. Maya had already crossed the room and taken down a mixing bowl, but as soon as Carina was sure the kids were upstairs, she sidled up behind Maya, placing her hands on Maya’s shoulders.

“Breathe,” Carina whispered, stepping closer. The muscles beneath her hands were tense, as was the body pressed to her front.

Maya didn’t react as Carina smoothed her palms down a crumpled white dress shirt. She didn’t say a word as Carina set her hands on Maya’s hips and leaned in, her lips brushing Maya’s temple.

“Lane used to record all of my races,” Maya whispered. “When he didn’t like my performance, he would force me to watch the videos over and over. And the whole time he would tell me that I was a failure, that I was worthless, that I’d never be a champion. He always said it with a smile on his face. It was an awful smile. I hated that smile.”

Carina slipped her arms around Maya, relieved that Maya was letting her stay close. “You have your Mamma’s smile. I’ve always said so.”

There was a pause, another inhale, and then Maya turned, facing Carina.

“I never wanted our kids to see that smile,” Maya said, so full of sorrow. “I never wanted them to feel the way it made me feel and now…”

Carina traced Maya’s jaw with her thumb, coming to rest on the cleft in her chin.

“And now,” she said, “we are all together and we are home. We will figure everything out, Maya. We always do.”

“Even this time?”

“Especially this time,” Carina sighed, knowing that Maya was likely blaming herself. “Trust in our family, Bella. Trust in what we have built here.”

“What if he ruined it?” Maya’s question was barely a whisper, her eyes darting to Carina’s chest. She pressed her fingertips just below the hollow Carina’s throat, where the scar was almost visible beneath the collar of her blouse.

Carina knew that she was in for a long night. They needed to speak with Hayden, but after that, she would need to speak with Maya privately too. Her wife was riddled with guilt and self-loathing – Carina planned to do everything she could to help Maya through her pain. She took Maya’s face in her hands, finding midnight eyes, that beloved, precious face Carina had adored from the first moment she saw it.

“Impossible,” Carina swore, praying Maya believed her. “I am here. And you are here. Yes?”

Maya nodded, eager, a strange combination of hope and hesitation. It made her look so vulnerable. So young. A glimpse at the child forced to hear over and over that she was unworthy of her father’s love.

“Then nothing is ruined,” Carina said. “Nothing.”

The sound of footsteps on the stairs ended their conversation. Maya leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to Carina’s cheek, the touch enough to ease some of the tension in Carina’s shoulders. They managed to make it through dinner, though Jamie and Hayden were almost silent as they ate their pancakes. Maya was quiet too, pausing every few minutes to stroke Hayden’s curls or check Jamie’s forehead for fever. It was as if she needed her hands on them, to prove that they were really okay, that they close and breathing and safe. Carina understood the impulse too.

Rather than let the silence worry her, she embraced it. Life was dramatic and full of big, sweeping emotions – there had been so much noise lately, so many words. In the quiet, Carina allowed herself to enjoy sharing a meal with her wife and children, something that she’d missed out on far too many times with all the travelling and Maya’s work schedule.

Once they finished and cleaned the kitchen, Jamie excused herself, but not before slinging her arm around Hayden’s shoulders. She lightly bumped his temple with her forehead, playful and kind as she comforted her little brother.

“I’m really sorry for not listening to you, Jamie,” Hayden said, bowing his head.

She shrugged, squeezing him into a side-hug. “Don’t you know by now that you should always listen to me?”

Hayden smirked, the first sign of his usual self, though it quickly faded. “Are you okay, sorella?”

Still wrapped in a blanket, Jamie looked exhausted and pale. But she nodded, smiling at Hayden, despite how ready she likely was to crawl into bed.

While it was true that Jamie needed rest, she also undoubtably sensed that Hayden needed some alone time with Maya and Carina. As Jamie ascended the stairs, Carina blew her a kiss, hoping that the antibiotics would work quickly.

Hayden was sullen again as they gathered on the couch. He kept his head down, both hands fidgeting with the hem of his t-shirt, repentant and confused. It caused a physical ach to see him so down, to see him ashamed. A gift from Uncle Mason to his favourite nephew. The legacy of Lane Bishop, passed from father to son.

Maya settled next to Hayden, but Carina knew that she needed to take the lead. Everyone was a little bruised and unsure – she had to keep a clear head, even as the memory of Mason threatening her brewed below the surface.

“Tesoro, I want to talk about Zio Andrea,” Carina said, biting her lip when Hayden hunched his shoulders, as if she was about to yell at him. She smiled softly as Maya wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders, just as Jamie had in the kitchen, relieved that even in moments of discomfort, they could support their children together.

“Are you worried about developing bipolar disorder?” Carina asked, heartbroken when he nodded. She curved her hand around the back of his head, as if she could hold his beautiful mind, as if she could comfort him that way.

“I try not to think about it,” he confessed. “But sometimes I get really scared. Like I’m going to run out of time to be…me.”

Carina clenched her jaw, her eyes swimming with tears. When Maya started speaking, Carina exhaled in relief, her own words stolen by sorrow. They’d been married for nearly twenty years and sometimes, it felt like they could read each other’s minds. Carina knew when Maya needed her to step in. And Maya knew when Carina needed the same. No words were necessary. They didn’t even need to look at each other. In that moment, Carina felt held, even though Maya wasn’t touching her at all.

“We can’t predict the future, Bam,” Maya said, stroking his hair. “But do you want to talk about the science again? Would that make you feel better?”

Both children understood their unique origins. They spoke openly about Jamie’s adoption. And they spoke openly about Hayden’s conception too. There was nothing to hide. There was no shame.

“I know you picked my donor really carefully,” Hayden said. “And I know you did lots of testing and stuff before having me…”

“We did,” Maya confirmed. “We spoke to doctors and we heard a lot of statistics and we made a decision that we felt was safest and healthiest for you.”

Hayden took that in, finally raising his head.

“I love Zio Andrea, Mama,” Hayden whispered, “I didn’t mean what I said. I just…”

He trailed off, struggling, and Carina swallowed hard, forcing down her own grief.

“Of course you didn’t, amore mio,” Carina said. “Sometimes we say things in anger that we do not mean.”

Maya nodded in agreement. “But, Bam, do you ever feel like you want to spend more time with the guys? Or like we’re too busy for you?”

“Not really,” Hayden said. “I honestly want to spend more time with girls.”

His lips lifted in the corners and Carina snorted, rolling her eyes because of all the genes her son inherited from her, his flirtatious charm was definitely top of the list.

“I spend all day with my guy friends,” Hayden continued. “And I text with Jack and Travis and San all the time too. Plus, we go camping and hang out and they answer any of my man questions.”

“Man questions?” Maya smiled, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s man stuff, Mom,” Hayden explained. “About man things.”

Carina laughed, but soon sobered. There was still a lot to address. “That’s good, Tesoro. And you know you can ask Mom and I anything too.”

“I wanted Uncle Mason to like me,” Hayden confessed. “Not because I don’t spend enough time with guys, but…our family is really small and so many of my friends talk about hanging out with their uncles and cousins. And Mama you talk all the time about growing up with all your family in Sicily. I thought me and Jamie could have that too, except…”

His whole body tensed, the little smile on his face disappearing as his eyes widened and his breathing turned shaky.

“I think he did it on purpose,” Hayden whispered. “He made me sit in the front and he looked right at me when he put up the picture of…of the man…who…with Station 19. And when I told him to stop, he didn’t. He kept smiling. Even when I said that Mama almost died. Why would he do that?”

There was no way to always shield their children from the ugliness of the world, though Maya and Carina did their best. The kids were sheltered, not coddled, but their world was full of good people. Firefighters and doctors. Teachers and coaches. Their family had experienced loss and tragedy, the children understood that bad things could happen, that people weren’t always good. Yet, in many ways, they were still so innocent, still protected from most of life’s true darkness.

This was the first time in his life that Hayden had experienced direct cruelty. True, he’d had to deal with some homophobic bullies, but they were ignorant children often repeating the words of equally ignorant adults. Mason’s actions felt different. He was an adult. He was Hayden’s uncle. And he’d actively chosen to hurt him. To taunt him.

A grown man taunting a thirteen-year-old boy by threatening his Mama.

Carina was starting to wonder if they needed to involve the police.

“I’m so sorry, Bam,” Maya whispered, shifting away from him. She clasped her hands in her lap, bowing her head. “This is all my fault. I’m so…”

“What do you mean?” Hayden asked, furrowing his brow.

Maya squeezed her eyes shut as she spoke. “Mason is angry at me and he’s taking it out on you. I wasn’t a good sister. Not like Jamie is. I didn’t protect him or stand up for him. I didn’t…”

“That’s not true,” Hayden said, jerking his head towards Maya. “None of this is your fault, Mom.”

Carina reached across Hayden, squeezing Maya’s knee. “He’s right, Tesoro. You are not to blame for your brother’s actions.”

But Maya wasn’t listening, she was lost in her own spiral of self-loathing, all hunched shoulders and clenched fists.

“I let my dad hurt him,” she confessed. “I wasn’t a good person and even though there’s no excuse for what Mason did today, I’m the reason he’s like this. I’m the reason he’s so…cruel.”

Hayden nearly bounced off the couch as he stood, pointing one finger towards Maya.

“Stop it!” He demanded, his face red. “That’s not the way it works!”

The sharp tone was enough to startle Maya. She sat up, both eyebrows raised as Hayden’s hot temper made itself known.

“You are a good person,” he continued. “And you don’t get to take the blame for what Uncle Mason did. You would never do something like that! I don’t care what happened when you were kids, Mom. Your stupid dad hurt you and he hurt Gran and he hurt Uncle Mason too, except only Uncle Mason chose to be horrible! You try to save everyone and help everyone and he…he…”

Hayden inhaled, his nostrils flared, and though he tried to calm down, the rage was sweeping through. It would extinguish soon enough, but Carina knew that letting Hayden release his anger was the best way to help him get past it.

“I hate him!” Hayden yelled, “I never want to see him again!”

Carina managed to catch one of his flying hands, standing so she could pull him into a hug. He sagged against her, his forehead against her shoulder, and Carina smiled sadly. Andrea had been the same as a child. The quick temper. The slightly dramatic flair.

Andrea would rage and then crawl into Lucia’s arms, though more often, he’d reach for Carina. When he left Italy, he’d cried in her arms the night before, clinging to her. The next time she saw him, he’d outgrown his need for her comfort. At least, that’s what he claimed when she’d tried to hug him in greeting while picking him up from his new American school. He’d shrugged her off, his face red when she questioned him in Italian. When she called him Andrea.

The night she left, he’d sat on her bed in Lucia’s guest room, watching her pack, his eyes glassy.

“I wish you could stay,” he’d whispered, bowing his head.

Carina had crossed the room and when he fell into her arms, she’d smiled the same sad smile.

Hayden didn’t share Andrea’s embarrassment. He’d always been an affectionate child, and as he grew, he still sought out hugs from his moms. Carina didn’t take it for granted. There was every possibility that someday he’d stop – teenaged boys weren’t exactly known for wanting to hug their parents in public. But for now, Carina held on tight, grateful that she could comfort him at all.

“You don’t have to,” she promised, scratching lightly at the back of his head.

He pulled away, his eyes darting from Carina to Maya. “Am I grounded…for lying to Zane’s dad and my teacher…”

Maya blinked, her rigid posture a sure sign that she was feeling a lot but trying to repress it for Hayden’s benefit.

“Mama and I will have to talk,” she said. “And I know you understand that what you did is wrong, but, Bam, it’s really dangerous to lie about where you are.”

Carina agreed, struggling with how best to punish Hayden because while it was true that he’d lied, he’d more than learned his lesson.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I won’t do it again. I promise.”

Maya finally stood up, cupping his cheek. “I think it’s time to focus on what’s important. School ends soon and you want to finish strong. Concentrate on your work, on art. Have fun with your friends. I’m not saying you need to forget about Uncle Mason, but I don’t want him upsetting you or distracting you from all the things you love, okay?”

“We need to tell Gran,” Hayden said, pouting. “She’s going to be really sad. I hate when Gran’s sad.”

Maya exhaled, titling her head. “You’re right. We all might be sad for a while.”

Hayden clenched his jaw, his gaze darting to the floor.

“What is it, Passerotto?” Carina asked, gently raising Hayden’s face, her finger beneath his chin.

“Are we safe?”

The question hit Maya like an invisible fist. Carina could almost see the impact as Maya winced. It was a small miracle that Maya hadn’t already bolted out the door. Which was an unfair thought. Hayden was afraid and he needed them and there was no way Maya would be anywhere but by his side. Carina felt guilty for even entertaining the thought.

“We are,” Maya said, even as her voice trembled. “I’m going to call Gran and make sure she sets her alarm system tonight. And tomorrow I’m going to call my contact in SPD. But, Bam, we’re safe here, okay? Our house is safe.”

“What if he tries to break a window?” Hayden asked, his eyes darting to the hallway.

“We have a really good security system,” Maya’s trepidation seemed to fade with each word, as if talking strategically and making a plan was calming her inner turmoil. “And we’ll set the motion-sensor lights too for tonight. If anyone tries anything, the police will be here before they even have a chance.”

Carina didn’t know what deal Maya had struck with SPD or whether or not the Deputy Fire Chief of Seattle was given priority by the cops, but she was certainly grateful. While Mason was volatile, she didn’t think he’d be stupid enough to attack them in their home. He was smart. Calculating. Committing a crime would automatically remove his power – the ability to indoctrinate and manipulate young, naïve boys who were just looking for a role model and their place in the world.

Eventually, the three of them sat down, the stress of the day enough to render them silent. Hayden turned on the baseball game and for once, Carina didn’t complain about her family’s decision to watch sports. They were talked out, exhausted, and something about the repetitive sounds of the game lulled them into temporary calm.

For forty-five minutes they remained in the quiet, each lost to their own thoughts until Hayden cleared his throat and put the TV on mute.

“Would it be okay if I go hang out with Jamie?” He asked, scratching the back of his neck.

Carina smiled softly, touched by how much comfort he found with his siter. “Of course, Passerotto, but if she is sleeping, do not wake her, va bene?”

Hayden stood, but before he left the room, he turned, lingering in the doorway.

“Hey Mom,” he called, pulling Maya’s attention. “That thing you said about Jamie being a good sister and you being a bad sister? The only reason Jamie knows how to be a good sister is because you taught her how. And you taught me how to be a good brother. I don’t care what Uncle Mason thinks. He’s wrong about everything, especially you.”

In his absence, both Maya and Carina remained on the couch, lost in their own thoughts. Carina was so proud of her children, but she was also sad that they’d been exposed to people like Mason. He wasn’t just an unpleasant relative, he was dangerous, aligned with people who apparently believed that she deserved to die.

Carina had dealt without enough of their kind in her career. Each clinic she visited, each lecture she gave, was usually attended by protestors outside, waving signs full of hate and untruths. These people were not only ignorant, they thrived off the pain of others.

There was also the fact that Maya was in the line of fire. They’d invited evil into their home, unknowingly, but he’d sat at their table, he’d eaten their food. For Carina, the memory of Mason sitting next to her children, eating her wife’s favourite home-cooked meal was now violating. The table symbolized everything she and Maya had built together. Their shared dream of a family free from the generational trauma they both carried.

She struggled with the idea that the very trauma they’d tried to end had invaded that sacred space.

She struggled too with the knowledge that Maya was hurt. Injured in a way that scared Carina because what if all the work Maya had done over the years to heal was now destroyed? What if Mason had opened a box that could not be closed?

Carina took a chance, finding Maya’s hand and linking their fingers. She moved closer, close enough that their shoulders touched, and then placed their joined hands in her lap, turning Maya’s wrist to expose the prominent blue veins Carina so loved.

“I need to call my Mom,” Maya said, tipping her head back against the couch.

Carina traced the familiar lines up her wife’s arm, a path she could find with her eyes closed. A path that led to that beautiful, aching heart.

“Should we tell her to come here?” Carina asked, tickling the inside of Maya’s elbow.

Maya shook her head. “I’ll offer, but she’s probably going to want to be alone after I tell her what Mason did to Hayden.”

The Bishop stoicism would forever be foreign to Carina. She couldn’t imagine hearing difficult news without the support of family around. But Maya was right. Katherine would undoubtably retreat inward until she was ready to talk.

“Do you want me to stay with you while you call?” Carina wondered if Maya was about to retreat inside too. She wondered if Maya would push her away again.

But Maya turned her face, the wane smile on her lips emphasizing how tired she was. She released Carina’s hand, only to reach up and trace Carina’s cheekbone with her thumb, a touch delicate and sweet. Sorrow clung to her like a weathered shawl, old but familiar, and Carina didn’t need to have a conversation with her wife to understand the depth of Maya’s despair.

“Clouds?” Carina whispered, leaning into Maya’s palm.

Maya nodded once.

“Okay,” Carina said.

They could hear the muffled sound of voices upstairs, a reminder that there was still so much good. So much light.

“We made two amazing kids,” Maya said, her gaze never leaving Carina’s face.

Carina smiled at that. “We really did.”

“Smart like their Mama. Beautiful like their Mama too.”

In that moment, Carina decided not to tell Maya about what Mason had done to her earlier that day. At least not yet. She would wait for things to settle, for some of the pain to leave Maya’s eyes, and then she would sit her down and explain that Mason had threatened her. It would be too much now. It might be the final straw. Carina just prayed that the memory would fade. That the feeling of Mason blocking her way, the violence in his stance…

Perhaps it was inevitable that the nightmare arrived when it did.

Carina knew she was dreaming, but that didn’t lessen the fear as hands grabbed at her arms, at her thighs. She was trapped and the music was so loud and his grip was strong. Stronger than her.

Wake up

Carina tried to push him away, she tried to turn her face from him, except she couldn’t. Mason stared at her with Maya’s eyes, his fingers at her throat, his fingers tracing her scar…

No, only Maya can touch me there, only Maya, that’s Maya’s, that part of me, all of me…

She could hear her name, far off in the distance, her name repeated with such kindness, so much love. She recognized the voice, the cadence, and she wanted to follow it. She needed to follow it. If she could just…

“C’rina.”

There it was. That voice. Sleepy and sweet, the familiar rasp an anchor to reality, her rescue, her safety.

“C’rina?”

She gasped as she woke, her body twitching as she tried to fight the last of her monster. A warm hand rubbed up and down her arm, warm and familiar, and Carina could almost cry in relief. She buried her face in Maya’s neck, inhaling so sharply that the scent of Mason’s sweat vanished, replaced with Maya. Maya who was warm and sleepy and so solid beneath her.

“You okay?” Maya whispered, lightly scratching the back of Carina’s head.

Carina nodded, needing to be closer as she snuck one hand up the back of Maya’s t-shirt. The thought of going to sleep again terrified her. She knew what was waiting for her in the dark. She knew she might not get away this time.

“Bad dream?” Maya asked.

“Yes.”

“About today? Hayden is going to be fine, Babe, and my mom will be too. We just need to give her some time.”

The phone call with Katherine had been short, but difficult. Carina had sat next to Maya on the couch, a silent support, as Maya explained to Katherine that Mason had basically lured Hayden to his church and scared him on purpose. Carina could hear Katherine’s responses go from full sentences to single words until Maya was doing all the talking and Katherine stopped speaking.

“It wasn’t about today,” Carina confessed, thought it was partially a lie. “I was…in the club where…I couldn’t get out…he…”

“Hey, my love, I’ve got you now,” Maya’s entire demeanor shifted. She rolled onto her side, pulling Carina to her, all of her own trauma placed aside to entirely focus on Carina.

“I’m okay,” Carina swore, sinking her fingers into Maya’s skin, clinging to her.

“I know you are. Do you think you can fall asleep again?”

“No.”

“Then we’ll just be here together. You and me.”

“You’ll stay up?” Carina hated how small she sounded, she hated how weak this always made her feel.

Maya answered the same way she had for twenty years.

“Yes,” she whispered, kissing Carina’s hairline. “You’re safe, my love. You’re safe.”

Carina believed her. She always did.

Chapter Text

June 3, 2021

Did that really just happen?

Maya paced around the office of Mr. and Mrs. Hughes, two lovely humans who’d offered their restaurant for her wedding despite only meeting her once under dire circumstances, but all she could think about was her shaking hands.

They trembled even as she curled them into fists, trying to steady herself because her body and her mind hadn’t quite caught up to each other yet. There were still signs of the fire throughout the room – a singed ceiling, some water damaged boxes in the corner. It was definitely not the type of place one expected to prepare for a wedding, though Maya was having trouble concentrating on anything other than what she’d just done. Plus, she had a niggling sensation in the back of her mind that she’d forgotten to do something important…

When the door opened behind her, she paused, expecting Andy to burst in with a comb, which was the last thing she wanted – Andy combed hair like she was trying to cause severe injury.

It wasn’t Andy.

“Dio mio,” came a soft voice, the tremor so uncharacteristic that Maya turned, losing her own ability to speak as she took in Carina for the first time since they’d parted earlier that day.

The white suit was perfectly tailored to every single curve, every single line of that perfect body. Carina’s skin seemed to glow. Everything about her seemed to glow.

She was so beautiful that Maya forgot how to form sentences.

“Maya,” Carina said, her pupil’s blown, “Bambina, you look…”

“I came out to my dad!”

What she’d meant to say to her wife-to-be was, “you look gorgeous.”

Carina blinked with a start. “What?”

“On the way here, Andy drove me to my parents’ house,” Maya said, the words pouring out almost against her will. She barley registered Carina taking her hands. “And at first, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but then I saw him, I saw my dad, and I told him that I’m bi and that I’m marrying you and I invited my mom to stay with us, which…sorry…I know I should’ve asked you first, but I just did it, and I didn’t let him say a word and I didn’t want to hide you or pretend that this isn’t the happiest day of my life and…”

“Maya,” Carina inhaled. “Breathe, amore mio.”

“Oh yeah.”

Carina smirked, cupping Maya’s cheek. “Sì.”

Time slowed as Maya’s brain finally caught up. She was getting married. She was wearing a wedding dress. She was holding Carina’s hand and Carina was about to be her wife.

Carina DeLuca.

The world disappeared. The walls of the office, the sound of her friends outside. Katherine. Lane. Mason. Every single person that was not Carina DeLuca faded.

There was just Carina.

Carina and her. They were the world.

“You are so incredibly beautiful,” Maya breathed, raising Carina’s hand to her lips. “I can’t believe you’re going to be mine.”

“I’m already yours, Maya,” Carina smiled, taking a step, clever fingers tickling down Maya’s side.

“I wish I could marry you right now.”

“I know. Waiting even another ten minutes feels…”

Maya’s hands started to shake again, but this time it was from an all-consuming need to sign the marriage certificate, to say the words, to wear the ring. She couldn’t stand not to be married to Carina for a second longer.

“As long as I have you, I have everything,” Maya said. “I used to think I needed my dad, that I couldn’t survive without him. But seeing him today…you’re all I need, Carina. You’re all I’ll ever need.”

Carina’s eyes turned glassy, though the smirk on her face made Maya laugh too. They were trying so hard not to ruin their makeup.

“I’m sorry your friends and family couldn’t be here,” Maya continued, pressing her forehead to Carina’s. “Covid has made such a mess…”

“It’s okay. I…I think this is easier.”

“What do you mean?” Maya leaned back a little, concerned to see Carina’s eyes full of grief.

“The people I want here most, cannot be here. Even without the pandemic…they’re…they’re gone.”

Maya cupped Carina’s cheek, mindful of the light dusting of rouge.

“And my friends…I love them, I do,” Carina explained, “but they look at me and I think they see Andrea and…”

“It’s okay, I get it.”

“Your friends have been so welcoming. So kind. When I’m with them, I do not need to think about all of my losses. They make me think of you.”

“Yeah?” Maya whispered, taking Carina’s hands again.

Carina nodded, sniffling. “My father said terrible things when I told him we were getting married. So many of my aunts and uncles, my cousins…they will not speak to me now that Nonna is gone. I don’t have a family anymore, I…”

“Yes, you do. You do, Carina. I…”

“I know,” Carina smiled indulgently, tucking a strand of hair behind Maya’s ear. “You are my family, Bambina.”

For most of Maya’s life, she’d unknowingly searched for family. Her house growing up was cold and stressful, her parents far from the nurturing figures she’d desperately needed as a child. Station 19 had been her family and, for the most part, she still thought of them that way. It was hard to ignore the fact that they’d abandoned her when she became captain. It was hard to ignore the tension that still remained between her and Andy.

But Carina was all the warmth, was all the acceptance. She was all the love that her father withheld, that her mother couldn’t express.

All the love.

“You and me against the world, okay?” Maya swore, slipping her arms around Carina’s waist.

Carina took Maya’s face in her hands, her smile teary but unmistakably happy. “You and me.”

“I know I can’t make up for Andrew and your Nonna and your mom, but I’m your person, Carina. You know that, right?”

“I do. My Maya.”

She thought briefly of Mason, hoping that wherever he was, he was safe and healthy. Hoping that he’d found what she’d found, that he could learn what she’d learned – about what a family could be, about what it felt like to be loved, to be held. And then she stopped thinking and let Carina consume every molecule of her body. No one else. Not the past. Nothing but Carina.

When Vic walked in five minutes later, Maya and Carina were in the middle of kissing so deeply that they didn’t hear the door swing open. Carina had Maya pushed against the wall, her hand firmly on Maya’s ass, and it was only when Andy appeared too that Maya finally tore herself away.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” Vic groaned, pointing at the tangled brides.

Maya bit her lip and shrugged.

“Minutes,” Andy said, “We leave you alone for minutes and you manage to destroy your makeup? Unbelievable!”

“Is it?” Carina said, her grin wicked. “Have you seen her? It’s your fault for leaving me alone with her when she looks like this.”

Vic practically wrestled Carina from Maya’s grasp, pulling her out of the room, presumably to fix her lipstick. Andy seemed to have the same plan for Maya, though her annoyance was far less than Vic’s.

“Get yourself together, Bishop,” she laughed, “you look drunk.”

“I kind of feel drunk, to be honest.”

“Save it for after the ceremony. We need to put your face back on before Vic cancels the whole thing.”

Maya blanched at the thought.

One reapplication of lipstick later, Maya stood in the doorway, a bouquet of flowers in hand. She stood next to Andy, her body nearly vibrating with urgency because she wanted to be married. She wanted to be married this very second.

When Ben finally emerged from bathroom, he offered Maya’s his arm, and she gratefully took it.

“You ready?” He asked with a wink.

“I think so. Except I feel like I forgot to do something important…”

Andy gave Maya’s shoulders a little push and snorted. “I’m sure it’s nothing. You’ll be fine.”

Between her shaking hands and pounding heart, Maya knew that Andy was right. She was going to be fine because she was about to marry Carina DeLuca.

Her family.

Her home.

Her world.

~*~

A few years later…

Technically, 10PM wasn’t that late. At one time in her life, Carina’s evening would start at 10PM. But that was before marriage and children and a career that required endless meetings and lectures. So, leaving the quiet suburbs and driving downtown at 10PM wasn’t exactly normal for Carina anymore.

She tried to push down her annoyance as she searched for parking outside of Joe’s. This was the last place she wanted to be. After a day at work, she wanted to be home. Yet here she was, basically back at Grey-Sloan, tired and annoyed and worried.

Carina parked illegally right in front of the door, praying she could make this quick and avoid a ticket.

The bartender’s phone call had been brief: come pick up your drunk wife.

10PM on a weeknight. Maya drinking.

Maya was seated at the end of the bar, slumped over, her forehead resting on her crossed arms. Thankfully, she was out of uniform, but her jacket and purse were strewn haphazardly on the stools next to her. Her shoes were on the floor.

Carina did a quick scan of the room, grimacing when she recognized a few interns playing darts. Grey-Sloan was such a gossip mill, she really didn’t want anyone talking about her wife. This was so out of character for Maya, but Grey-Sloan would weave a tale of Dr. DeLuca’s alcoholic wife with little care for truth or empathy.

With all the caution of a lion-tamer, Carina crept closer, placing a hesitant hand on Maya’s shoulder. She wasn’t surprised when Maya tensed beneath her touch.

“I’m fine,” came a slurred grumble.

Carina’s nostrils flared as she tore her hand away. “You are drunk in a bar, Maya. You are not fine.”

“Aren’t I allowed to have fun anymore? Is that against the law?”

Maya raised her head, her bloodshot eyes filled with pain. There was anger too in the way she clenched her jaw, and Carina braced knowing that when Maya was upset, she had a tendency to lash out. Though this tendency had faded over the years.

“Is that what you are doing?” Carina asked, keeping her own temper in check.

“What’s it look like?”

“It looks like something happened today and instead of talking to me, you have decided to drown your liver.”

Maya pushed the glass closest to her elbow away, her movement uncoordinated. “I’m fine.”

“Good. Then we can go home.”

At the mention of ‘home,’ Maya’s eyes turned glassy. She bowed her head, both hands now against the bar.

“I can’t go home,” she whispered, her sorrow enough to force Carina’s frustration deep down.

Instead, Carina sat next to Maya and took a chance as she leaned a little closer, not touching, but near enough that she could smell the whisky radiating from Maya’s pores.

“Why not, amore mio?” Carina asked, gentle, her own heart breaking at the sight of Maya so wrecked. Tears streamed down Maya’s cheeks and her nose was running. She was a mess. But she was Carina’s mess. And Carina loved her, snot and all.

“Because I’ll ruin it. Like I ruin everything.”

“Maya, that is not true.”

“He said it was.”

Carina swallowed hard, forcing herself to remain calm. She had a feeling she knew exactly who ‘he’ was.

A bubble of laughter coming from the pool table interrupted them. It was a reminder that they were in public and Carina made the quick decision to move this conversation away from unwanted witnesses.

“Come,” she said, slipping her arm around Maya’s waist. Moving her would be a challenge, and judging by Maya’s pallor, there was no way she could sit in the car without throwing up, so Carina was left with one choice.

The bathroom at Joe’s was thankfully empty as she dragged Maya with her. She ignored the fact that Maya was only in socks, the sticky floors the least of her worries. With a little more maneuvering, Carina managed to get Maya seated on the floor, her back against the wall. They were close enough to the toilet that if Maya needed, she could make a quick dash to vomit.

“Who said that to you?” Carina asked, crouching in front of Maya whose head lolled awkwardly against the brick.

Maya’s eyes were half closed and Carina could tell that her initial defensiveness was gone. The walls were down. She was an open wound, vulnerable. Defenceless.

“My dad,” Maya said.

“When did you see your dad?”

More tears streamed down Maya’s cheeks, though she wasn’t crying. Carina wondered if Maya was even aware of her wet face. Of the salt leaving droplets on her jeans and Carina’s thumbs.

“He came to the station today,” Maya’s slurring made it hard to understand, but she forced the words out. “And he…he hurt me.”

“He hurt you?” Carina asked, her question louder than intended. “Did he put his hands on you, Maya? Because if he did I swear…”

“He hurt my arm.”

The confession was made in a voice so different from Maya’s usual low tone. High, airy. Innocent. A frightened child.

She raised her arm, offering it to Carina, and sure enough, finger-shaped bruises dotted Maya’s wrist.

“He said I ruined our family,” Maya sniffled. “I ruined everything.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, my love. You make everything so much better.”

“The divorce papers…”

Suddenly, all the pieces came together in Carina’s mind. Lane must have finally received the divorce documents from Katherine’s lawyer. It had taken a few years for Katherine to work up the courage to go through with it. She was always afraid that he would somehow find a way to take her money or her house. But Maya and Carina had hired the best divorce attorney they could find, ensuring she was protected.

Apparently, they should have been protecting themselves too.

“Maya, your parents’ divorce is not your fault,” Carina said, stroking Maya’s cheek. “You know that.”

“Why did he hurt me?”

Carina felt her own eyes burn with tears now. It was a question she’d asked herself for years. Why did Lane Bishop hurt his children instead of love them? Why did he hurt the love of her life?

“I don’t know,” Carina whispered. “But we will make sure he never does again, okay?”

“He’s supposed to be my dad.”

The whisky had pulled out all of Maya’s childhood anguish. Carina wondered how many times Maya had pondered these questions in her youth. Every time she was forced to run extra laps or go to bed hungry, every time Lane ignored sprains and bloody toes. Did she lie in her bed and wonder why he’d allowed it? Why he’d hurt her? When he was supposed to do the opposite. When he was supposed to love her.

Carina sat on the dirty bathroom floor and wrapped her arm around Maya’s shoulders. She kissed the top of her head and cradled Maya’s face in her hand, trying to sooth the shaking woman in her arms.

“We will need to get a restraining order,” Carina said. They’d talked about it before in a theoretical sense. As of today, the time for theoretical was over. “He won’t come near you or your Mom ever again. He won’t come near the bambini…”

At the mention of the children, Maya released a little sob.

“I’m sorry,” she cried, clinging to Carina’s jacket. “I…I didn’t mean to drink and now…I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, Maya, it’s okay…”

“No, I ruined it. I ruined…I’m drunk and the kids…I…”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Carina repeated, “You just forgot something important.”

The face that stared back at her was flushed and splotchy and still so beautiful.

“I did?” Maya hiccupped.

Carina kissed her forehead, sighing as she spoke. “Just you and me, my love. Against the world.”

Ironically, they were in the very place that marked their beginning. Carina thought back to that night, remembering how she’d stepped away from Maya to use the bathroom, how she’d stood in this spot, staring at herself in the mirror, her cheeks flushed as butterflies consumed her.

That version of Carina could not have predicted this version. Yet, despite the sticky floors and messy wife, Carina knew she was exactly where she was always destined to be.

Maya’s chin trembled as she stared up at Carina with wide, round eyes.

“You and me,” she repeated, as if she needed assurance that she was right, that she’d found the correct answer. That she’d won.

Carina brushed a strand of hair from Maya’s sweaty forehead, overwhelmed with affection as she so often was when she looked at her wife. Affection that only slightly dimmed when Maya lurched forward on her knees and practically tossed herself into the bathroom stall, making it to the toilet just on time to throw up her liquid dinner. Carina crouched behind her, rubbing circles on her back and holding her hair.

The Carina that she was when she and Maya first met would likely raise an eyebrow at the scene and find the door as quickly as she could. The Carina that she was now stared at the purple bruises dotting Maya’s wrist and silently reminded herself that murder was not an option. Though it was deeply tempting…

Thankfully, Maya fell asleep as soon as Carina bundled her into the car. The last thing Carina wanted was vomit in her Porsche, nor did she want Maya to feel sick all the way home, so the sight of her passed out, her head against the window, was an odd relief. It also gave Carina time to think and decompress a little. Some of the adrenaline settled as she drove away from downtown, towards their familiar suburb. She snuck glances at Maya, her mind ten steps ahead, already planning how to get Maya into the house without waking the kids.

Katherine would likely be awake waiting – she’d come as soon as Carina called, full of questions and worry and mostly full of self-blame.

Sure enough, Katherine appeared from the kitchen as soon as Carina opened the garage door. Maya was groggy, but much more sober, which meant that they managed to walk into the house mostly in silence. As soon as Maya saw Katherine, she lowered her head, her shoulders up, the perfect portrait of embarrassment and shame.

“Maya?” Katheirne whispered, stepping forward, though she awkwardly stopped in the hallway as Carina crouched down to help Maya with her shoes.

Maya swayed, one hand coming down to catch Carina’s shoulder in an attempt to stay upright.

“Socks too, Bambina,” Carina said, wishing Katherine would give them a moment of privacy. She wasn’t angry at her mother-in-law and she completely understood Katherine’s concern, but Maya was likely already feeling embarrassed and exposed. The last thing she’d want was her mother witnessing her drunk and covered in sticky bar residue.

Sure enough, as soon as Carina had Maya’s socks off, Maya wobbled away, stumbling towards the stairs.

“I’m fine,” she mumbled, her grasp on the railing all that was keeping her stable. Usually, Carina would object. This time, she let it go. There were only so many fires she could extinguish at a time.

Despite the alcohol, Maya made it up the stairs and disappear from sight, which left Carina standing in the hallway, holding dirty socks, alone with Katherine.

“Lane came to the station today,” Carina explained, turning to Katherine. “He confronted her about the divorce, but…”

“It’s all my fault.”

“Katherine, it is not.”

“It is,” Katherine sniffled, her jaw trembling with the effort not to cry. She pressed a hand to her chest, her gaze still on the stairs as if Maya lingered there. “I knew he would escalate after what happened last week. I just knew it.”

The last seven days had not been easy. Within hours of Lane receiving the divorce papers, he’d showed up on Katherine’s porch, pounding on her door, making endless threats about taking her money, her house, her job. Katherine had spent most of the week sleeping in their guestroom, fretting about whether or not she’d made a terrible mistake. She wanted a divorce. She wanted to be free of Lane. But she also wondered whether it would be easier to just drop the divorce. They’d be married on paper, but maybe he’d leave her alone. Maybe he’d leave them alone…

Maya had been on edge, arranging for a lawyer, obsessively testing their alarm system. As a result, the kids were on edge, despite their joy at having Katherine with them for breakfast and dinner. Hayden had only just started Kindergarten too and the disruption to their home meant that he’d often cry in the morning, begging to stay with Gran for the day.

Carina didn’t blame Katherine for Hayden’s behaviour, but he’d taken to school so well. He’d practically run out of the car without looking back on his first day. And now he was teary and clingy, picking up on all the tension.

While Jamie wasn’t as emotional as her little brother, she was so observant and full of endless questions that were difficult to answer.

When they carefully told her that “Mom’s daddy wasn’t being very nice to Gran,” she’d shocked them all by throwing a book across the room. It was so out of character that they barely had time to react before Jamie tossed her arms around Maya’s hips and held on tight, promising that she would keep her safe.

So, Carina had two confused children, a guilt-ridden mother-in-law, and, as of this evening, a drunk wife. Not to mention her own anger. If she had the chance, she’d hit Lane with her car. At the very least.

“Katherine,” Carina said, trying to be gentle. “We will speak to the lawyer again tomorrow and Maya is going to talk to her contact at SPD, but none of this is your fault. It’s Lane’s fault. He is a grown man, do not take responsibility for his actions.”

For a moment, it looked as if Katherine was about to protest. And then the moment passed and Katherine tightened her robe, nodding. “You’re right. I know you are. I’ve made excuses for him all my life. It’s just hard to stop, I guess.”

Carina squeezed Katherine’s shoulder, her smile full of understanding. “Maya helped me learn to stop making excuses for my own father. We will all help each other, okay? You’re not alone, Katherine.”

“Thank you, Sweetheart,” Katherine whispered, patting Carina’s hand.

“Now, I need to go make sure Maya is in bed and you should get some sleep. It’s late and Jamie asked if you could drive her to school tomorrow.”

Jamie’s name was all it took for Katherine to stop frowning. Her lips lifted, her entire posture transformed before Carina’s eyes. Lane was the past. Jamie was the present and the future. There was no doubt in Carina’s mind that Katherine really did want the divorce, but she also knew that Katherine’s decision to finally leave Lane for good coincided with Jamie’s arrival. The choice was clear: Lane or her grandchildren. For Katherine, it was never a choice.

“You’ll make sure she’s okay?” Katherine asked, no longer speaking about Jamie.

Carina took a deep breath and forced her most reassuring smile.

“Always,” she swore, meaning it.

A small pile of clothes greeted Carina as she finally entered their bedroom. The air was humid, a clear indication that Maya had showered, though the towel around Maya’s shoulders and her wet hair was also a dead giveaway. She sat on the bed, her arm extended, the bruises more pronounced than they’d been even an hour ago.

“Can you take a picture?” Maya asked, her voice hollow. She didn’t look up, she didn’t offer Carina a glimpse of her face.

Carina circled the bed to stand in front of Maya, taking in the state of her wife. The wet hair was messy, not yet brushed, and though she’d managed to pull on a new pair of panties, she was otherwise naked, save for the towel.

“A picture?” Carina asked, hesitantly removing her phone from her back pocket.

Maya flinched, her whole body rigid. “I need evidence for the restraining order.”

The vulnerable crying woman on the bathroom floor of a bar had given way to someone much colder. Maya was silent as Carina photographed her wrist, the set of her mouth firm in a deep scowl. Carina finished, unsure why Maya had put up walls so suddenly.

“Is my mom still awake?” Maya’s question almost sounded angry, but Carina decided to be as gentle as possible. There were a lot of emotions at play. A lot of feelings. She didn’t shoot back a sarcastic reply. A quiet nod would suffice.

She quietly undressed, changing into her PJ bottoms and a tank top, unable to ignore the fact that Maya was shivering. Carina decided to take a risk as she sat on the bed, directly behind Maya. When she placed her hand on Maya’s shoulder, Maya flinched, her shoulders jerking forward.

“Maya,” Carina said, ignoring her own frustration. “It’s me. It’s just me.”

“I know.”

“Can I brush your hair?”

There was a comb beside Maya’s hip and Carina picked it up, waiting.

A nearly imperceptible nod was her answer. She didn’t say another word as she started to fix Maya’s wet hair. The motion was soothing and familiar. Even damp, Maya’s hair was so soft and with each pass of the brush, Maya’s shoulders dropped. She still refused to turn around, but she was very clearly allowing Carina to do this for her and Carina knew better than anyone how much Maya needed physical touch to feel loved and wanted.

When Carina was done, she raised the towel from Maya’s neck and let it drop to the floor, guessing it was the source of Maya’s chill.

“I’m sorry,” Maya finally whispered, turning her face. She was flushed, embarrassed, incapable of meeting Carina’s gaze.

“Maya…”

“I shouldn’t have been drinking. It was irresponsible and childish and it won’t happen again.”

“Maya that’s…”

“I’ll be better,” she said, shifting enough to take Carina’s hand. “I promise, Carina.”

Carina sighed as she stroked her fingertips down Maya’s cheek. “You don’t need to be better, Tesoro. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Even though I wouldn’t call this a mistake.”

“Seriously? You had to peel me off the floor of a bar. I threw up. It’s pathetic.”

“No, it is not. Do you remember what happened last year when my father called on Andrea’s birthday?”

The muscle in Maya’s jaw twitched, which it always did when Carina mentioned Vincenzo.

“He yelled at me,” Carina said, “and he told me everything was my fault.”

“I was on a twenty-four-hour shift,” Maya continued, tucking a strand of hair behind Carina’s ear. “And the kids were with my mom because you had an emergency surgery.”

“Sì. He called just as I was leaving. I started crying in my office and when I got home and realized you were away and the bambini were away too…I FaceTimed Gabriella and we somehow started drinking wine and then…”

“You were so hungover the next day,” Maya said, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“So why when my father drives me to drink do you say it is okay, but when your father does the same it is not?”

Maya closed her eyes and sighed. “He makes me feel weak. My team saw the whole thing. The way he spoke to me, and then the way he grabbed my wrist. It was so humiliating.”

“I’m sorry, Bambina.”

“I wasn’t planning to go to Joe’s, you know? I was going to visit you, but I just felt so…so embarrassed.”

“Why?” Carina asked, rubbing her palm lightly over Maya’s bicep. “You never have to be embarrassed with me, amore mio. You know that.”

“Because I let him get into my head. I let him erase years of therapy and work. For a brief second, I just wanted to tell him that he was right. That Mom was a fool for leaving and that it was my fault she did in the first place. Why would I even have that thought? I don’t believe it, but something about him…”

“He is very good at what he does, Maya. He manipulates and gaslights and lies. He always has.”

Maya sighed, leaning further back into Carina’s embrace. “It’s always going to be like this, isn’t it? Even when we have a restraining order. He’s always going to be in my head.”

“Maybe,” Carina said, kissing Maya’s temple. “But that are lots of things in this head, my love. No matter what he says or does, he cannot take away what we’ve built together.”

Maya didn’t respond, so Carina busied herself with pressing more kisses to Maya’s cheek, her shoulders. She stroked her fingers up and down Maya’s arms, soothing, willing away Lane’s presence by replacing the memory of him with touch. Maya turned her face, inches from Carina’s lips.

“Carina?” She whispered, tracing Carina’s jaw with her thumb.

“Hmm?”

“I brushed my teeth three times and swallowed a bunch of mouth wash.”

“You swallowed mouth wash? Maya, I don’t think that’s…”

“Can I have a kiss or not?”

There could only ever be one answer. Carina tilted her head, relieved to see Maya slightly less devastated. There was still a darkness, a shadow that would likely take days to shed, but Maya was looking at her with clear eyes, with a cute little pout. Maya was looking at her. Not Lane. Just her.

Carina leaned in, letting Maya guide their movements, humming as she felt soft lips against her own. With a soft inhale, Maya pulled away, her hands still cupping Carina’s face.

“Thank you for bringing me home,” she said.

“Thank you for letting me.”

Maya blushed, and Carina knew that the worst had passed. Lane was still a problem to be dealt with, but Maya’s health was so much more important. She was sober, she was calm, and Carina could tell that her complex mind had finally managed to silence Lane’s voice.

“We should go to bed,” Carina smiled, pleased when Maya nodded. Maya stood, kissing Carina’s knuckles before circling the bed. Carina would have joined her, but she remained seated, her eyes fixed on the pale lines of Maya’s body.

“Maya, you must put on a shirt,” Carina said, biting her lip.

Maya eyed her suspiciously. “Oh? Since when do you want me to put on more clothes?”

“Since I will not sleep if your boobs are out like this.”

“No? What will you do instead?”

Carina growled, raising one finger in warning, which made Maya snort, her shoulders shaking as she held back a laugh. The shaking shoulders only made Carina’s distraction worse, the sight of those full, perfect breasts bouncing…

Despite the lighter mood and the beautiful smile on Maya’s face, Carina knew that the next day would be difficult. They would need to file a police report and knowing Lane, he wasn’t finished harassing his family. For as much as Carina craved her wife, she also wanted to protect her. Maya had already had a rough night, they both needed sleep so they could face the morning with clear heads and strength.

Carina blinked, forcing herself to stop being horny for thirty seconds as she climbed under the covers and settled on her side of the bed. She waited patiently as Maya pulled on a t-shirt and joined her, the soft sheets and scent of lavender in the air a marked improvement from the stale beer scent of Joe’s. Carina gently took Maya’s wrist, kissing each bruise. Five. One after the other.

“I hate that he put his hands on you,” Carina said, tucking Maya’s fist beneath her chin.

“Same.”

“You will promise me something, yes?”

Maya’s gaze flickered from Carina’s lips to her eyes. She was listening so intently, the lamps in the room turning her eyes a stormy sea. Carina still sometimes found the intensity of Maya’s focus breathtaking. The beauty. The astonishment that all that intensity, all of that focus was on her.

“The next time you hear your father’s voice, the next time he gets into your head, you will not forget, Bambina,” Carina breathed. “You and me. Against the world, my love. We don’t need our fathers, we don’t need anyone except each other and our bambini. Promise me you won’t forget.”

“I promise,” Maya swore, wedging her thigh between Carina’s legs, bringing them chest to chest, heart to heart. “I won’t forget. Never again.”

~*~

After a week of no-contact from Mason, Maya could almost let herself believe that the worst was over. She sat in her office, staring at a half-empty can of Red Bull, trying to ignore the alarm bells ringing in her head. They’d been ringing since the day Mason came home. Everything felt unsettled. There was no closure. And Maya couldn’t be sure if her agitation came from exhaustion, too many energy drinks, stress, or the fact that her brother was now a boogey man, potentially lurking around every dark corner.

Katherine was withdrawn, skipping their weekly dinner due to a cold, though Maya couldn’t be sure if her mother was really sick or if she just needed space to process. Jamie was back at school, her fevers gone for the most part. Even Hayden seemed to be coping well, a little quieter than usual, but otherwise unscathed. At least Maya hoped he was otherwise unscathed.

Her eye drifted to the framed picture on her desk, a photograph that captured Carina early in the morning at their cabin. She was sitting on the dock, wearing one of Maya’s flannel shirts, her hands curved around a cup of coffee. The picture was candid, Maya had snapped it on a whim, enamoured with her wife’s little smirk over the lip of the cup. Carina’s hair was tussled from sleep, one leg bent at the knee as her foot rested on her chair, and Maya thought she’d never looked more beautiful.

Now, the picture caused discomfort. Maya could feel the distance between them, despite the united front they presented for the kids. They slept in the same bed, cuddled close, but Maya was having a difficult time fully lowering her walls. She didn’t feel safe – not because of Carina – but because Mason had managed to dismantle every single one of her defenses. Mason’s words became Maya’s conscience, an endless mantra of self-hatred and guilt. And the fact that she’d let it happen so easily, that she’d let him in so easily, left her deeply shaken.

Carina was her conscience. Carina was supposed to be the guiding voice, the light. Why had Mason been able to silence her? Why had Maya let him?

Maya hunched her shoulders, slumping in her chair, struggling with the fact that she didn’t trust herself. She didn’t trust her own mind. She was trapped in a body that was apparently so traumatized that it couldn’t even fight off cruel words. A brain so broken that it put her son at risk. That it put Hayden in danger.

The room was uncomfortably stuffy. Maya loosened her tie, sniffling as she fought back tears.

She’d put her son in danger. Her little boy. She did that. All because she’d invited Mason in.

And she was so tired.

Beyond tired.

A knock at the door helped her refocus as she sat up in her chair and tucked a fly-away behind her ear. When the mayor of Seattle walked in, Maya stood, praying she didn’t look as messy as she felt.

“Sir,” she said, awkwardly moving a stack of papers aside.

The mayor sat down opposite her desk, flanked by two assistants holding tablets. He stared at her for a beat too long, his dark eyes framed by wire-rimmed glasses.

“Deputy Chief Bishop,” he said, his slicked back hair doing a poor job of hiding a receding hairline. “I have good news.”

Maya sat, trying to ignore the scowling assistants. “Oh?”

“To be frank, you’ve saved our asses throughout this ordeal. Grady almost brought the whole department down with him. If not for you, I’m not sure we’d even have a fire department anymore.”

“Mayor Godfry, I’m just doing my job.”

“We both know that’s not true,” he said, a humourless smirk on his face. “You’re doing your job and the chief’s job.”

Usually, Maya would soak up the praise. She’d raise her chin and internally congratulate herself because she’d done something exceptional. The mayor of the city was in her office thanking her. But she didn’t feel proud of herself. She felt almost indifferent.

“If there were no politics involved, I’d promote you to Chief today,” Mayor Godfry said with a wave of his hand.

Maya’s eyebrow shot up. Chief? She’d waited years to be promoted from Battalion Chief and now this? A rapid-fire promotion to the very top? At her age?

“Unfortunately, there are politics involved,” he continued, “which is why we’re bringing in Chief Ahmad from Oregon. He’s a thirty-year veteran, progressive, you’ll like him.”

“I’m sure I will, Sir,” Maya said, unsure what to make of any of this.

“You’ll work under him, but the man has made it very clear that he is close to retirement and has no problem with you taking a leadership role. We’re also going to hire you two new assistants to deal with the paperwork backlog and I want you to nominate someone to take your former role, Assistant Fire Chief.”

Maya had to remind herself to close her mouth. She could barely keep up.

“Anyone?” She mumbled, noting that the mayor’s two assistance were busy typing away on their screens.

Mayor Godfry nodded.

“Battalion Chief Vargas would be my first choice,” she said, some of the haze clearing at the thought of working so closely with San again. “He’s more than put in his time.”

There was another nod. Another flurry of typing fingers from the assistance.

“Very well,” the mayor said. He stood, clearing his throat. “Bishop, I have no doubt that five years from now, you’ll be Chief of the Seattle Fire Department. Your efforts have been exemplary – there’s no one more fit to lead.”

Chief? Five years from now?

What?

“Thank you, Mr. Mayor,” she said, standing again too.

With a firm handshake, Mayor Godfry turned, heading towards the door, though he paused before fully leaving. His two assistants nearly collided thanks to the abrupt halt.

“Bishop, is it true that you have over two hundred unused vacation days?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Maya scratched the back of her neck, a little embarrassed. “Uh…yes, Sir. That’s true.”

She was much better about taking holidays since having the kids, but she was still Maya Bishop. Her work wasn’t her life, but it mattered to her. As did her reputation. No matter how high she rose, she was still responsible and reliable. Sure, there was the odd week or two away for a family vacation, but Maya wasn’t one for extended trips. Nor did she often take a sick day. Not if she could help it.

But hearing that she had over two-hundred unused vacation days made her internally cringe. She wondered if she’d lost her way a bit, reverted to some old habits. Her promotions had placed a lot of stress on her and she’d had to sacrifice time with her children. With her wife. Now that relief was coming in the form of a new chief and additional staff, maybe she could afford to let herself rest.

Her eyes drifted once more to the picture of Carina on her desk. To the secretive smile, the long, untamed hair. She missed Carina so much. She missed their playful banter, their easy intimacy. There was so little brevity between them now. Their work schedules had forced distance and Mason made everything worse.

God, she missed her wife.

“You’d better start using those,” Mayor Godfry said, shaking his head. “Because forgive me for saying so, but you look like you could use it.”

Maya sunk into her chair, watching the Mayor disappear, the only evidence that he’d been present the faint scent of cologne. There was a lot of information to process, more than she was ready for, and the Mayor was right. She looked like shit – she knew she needed to take her shirts to the dry cleaner. She needed a haircut. She needed a few hours of sleep that weren’t interrupted by uneasy dreams of Lane’s voice and Mason’s voice and her mother’s tears.

Secretly, she worried that her libido had died. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Carina. She was just so stressed and Mason had made her feel so violated that the idea of more than cuddles scared her a little. Sex made her vulnerable and Maya was so tired of feeling vulnerable. Carina would touch her and then she’d start crying and Maya didn’t want that. She wasn’t ready to cry.

Even though Carina’s touch was what always brought her to the light. On her darkest days, in the hardest moments, Carina could reach into the mire and bring Maya to the surface. The release always felt good, cathartic. She wasn’t quite ready for release. She wasn’t quite ready to face all the pain she’d carried since Mason’s return. All the pain of knowing he’d broken her. Her little brother.

With glassy eyes, Maya reached for her phone, deciding that the best course of action would be letting Carina know that the Mayor had just given her a pre-emptive promotion. Hearing Carina’s voice would give her enough energy to get through the rest of the afternoon. And then, maybe, if Carina was okay with it, they could take a shower together once the kids were asleep.

Not sex. Not yet. Maya knew without a doubt that Carina would never place any pressure on her, that Carina would understand. But the first step towards rekindling their connection was intimacy.

So, yes, a shower. Together.

Maya opened her desk drawer, picking up her phone, but before she could click it open, it started vibrating. Carina was calling.

“Hey,” Maya said, bringing the phone to her ear.

She heard uneven breathing on the other end. “Maya, you need to come to the hospital. Right now. You need…”

“What?” Maya yelped, already standing. “Are you hurt? Are you okay?”

“It’s Jamie. The school just called…she fainted, they can’t wake her up. They’re bringing her in by ambulance, I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t know, I…”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Maya said, “I’m on my way. I’m leaving right now.”

“Maya,” Carina voice was all fear. “Please hurry. Please…I need you.”

Chapter Text

As Maya broke multiple traffic laws, all she could think about was her daughter’s face. Her smile. She was so beautiful, she’d always been so beautiful. That little, tiny face in the NICU staring up. In some ways, Maya struggled to see Jamie as a teenager. Jamie was her baby. Forever. Her baby.

Maya’s heart lurched, the tears brimming in her eyes blinding her as she tore through Grey-Sloan’s staff parking lot. She’d barely put the car in park before she started running towards the ER, forcing herself to stop crying because Carina would need her to be the strong one now.

Carina was their strength. She was their calm, reassuring presence. They all gravitated around Carina, their sun, their everything. But the only time Carina truly fell to pieces, the only times Maya could remember her wife truly breaking down, was when she felt that their children were in serious danger.

The night of Jamie’s heart surgery.

The day when a judge granted Jamie’s biological grand-mother visitation rights.

Running through Grey-Sloan’s ER brought only terrible memories for Maya, but nothing could slow her as she swung around the corner. She caught sight of Carina, a tall, solitary figure standing near the ambulance bay doors, and Maya picked up her pace, coming to a screeching halt as she finally reached Carina’s side.

“Carina?” She panted, setting one hand on Carina’s shoulder.

Carina turned, throwing herself into Maya’s arms without warning. “It’s taking too long!”

SFD Headquarters was barely ten minutes away and Maya had made it in six. Jamie’s school was in the suburbs and Grey-Sloan wasn’t the closest hospital – maybe they were caught in traffic or maybe…

An Aid Car stopped outside, its siren piercing despite the noisy ER. Maya didn’t recognize the doctors who rushed out to meet it, so many of Carina’s colleagues had moved up in the hospital ranks and were now in administration. Owen Hunt had long ago taken a position at a VA hospital and Bailey was close to retirement, though it was doubtful she’d ever truly retire. Maya just wished she knew who these young people in scrubs were as they rushed past her, arms outstretched.

She followed, Carina at her side, her heart pounding uncomfortably as the ambulance doors swung open.

“Jamie DeLuca-Bishop, sixteen,” the paramedic said, sliding the gurney out. “Found unconscious, no visible head injury. 106.3 fever, delirium. Chest sounds cloudy.”

The words faded as Maya got her hands on the stretcher, her eyes laser focused on Jamie who was so still. She was unconscious, her jeans and green t-shirt a stark contrast to the white gurney. Each inhale came with a horrible wheeze, the oxygen mask over her face doing little to help.

“You’re okay, Baby,” Maya said, running alongside the doctors. Carina ran too, her fingers somehow in Jamie’s hair, stroking gently despite the madness around them. With her eyes on Carina’s gold rings weaving in and out of honey-brown strands, Maya didn’t notice that they’d finally made it into a room.

“I’m sorry,” one of the residents said, pointing at Maya, “but I need to get through.”

He had dark eyes over a mask. Maya couldn’t tell if they were kind. She couldn’t tell if he was over tired or if he even cared about his job or if he knew what he was doing. Thankfully, before Maya could start interrogating him, Teddy walked in, her heels clicking on the floor.

“Hang fluids now,” she barked, slipping on a pair of gloves. The residents backed away while nurses came in, nurses who seemed to have steady hands as they started an IV line. Even though Jamie likely couldn’t feel it, Maya winced as the needle pierced her skin, her palm subconsciously drifting to Jamie’s chest. It was how they used to practice breathing when Jamie was little. One hand on her chest as Maya breathed in and out, guiding Jamie towards calm.

Teddy quickly scanned Jamie’s vitals on a tablet, her quiet confidence helping Maya from giving into total panic. Carina, on the other hand, was increasingly agitated, bouncing on her heels, trying to read over Teddy’s shoulder.

“Is it a collapsed lung?” She asked, “Is she septic? Does she…”

“Carina, deep breath, okay?” Teddy said. Teddy who had kind eyes. Who cared. Who knew exactly what she was doing.

Carina nodded, her eyes wide and wet.

“Let’s try a course of ceftriaxone,” Teddy instructed, placing her stethoscope in her hears. She pressed the bell to Jamie’s chest, listening intently. One of the residents reappeared by Maya’s side, his eyes on Teddy as he waited.

With her stethoscope still in hand, Teddy paused. “Dr. Home, can you help me turn her?”

Maya reacted on instinct, practically elbowing the man to stop him from touching Jamie. She set her own hand on Jamie’s arm, blocking the other doctor, her rational mind defeated by the roaring mama bear who felt like her cub was in danger.

“Tesoro,” Carina whispered, a little strained, “please, we need to let them work.”

That was true. It still didn’t mean Maya was thinking clearly.

She slipped her arm underneath Jamie’s shoulders and rolled her onto her side. Carina held Jamie’s head, keeping the oxygen mask in place as Teddy placed the bell on Jamie’s back and then against her ribs.

When Teddy’s serious expression gave way to something much more serene, Maya’s heart stopped pounding. She settled Jamie again, taking her limp hand, her need to stay in contact, to feel Jamie, overpowering.

“I think she’s had a reaction to the previous antibiotics,” Teddy explained, “Her fever spiked and that caused her to lose consciousness. We’ll do a chest x-ray just to be sure, but I’m not hearing any blockages. Once the fever is down, she should wake up. I want to keep her overnight for observation – the pneumonia may be more severe than we initially thought – otherwise, she’s going to be just fine.”

“She is?” Maya asked, surprised to hear the tears in her voice.

Carina’s smile was watery, her eyeliner smudged beyond repair.

It wasn’t long before Jamie was moved to a ward. They stopped in the waiting room to thank Jamie’s teacher who’d come with her in the ambulance. With Jamie’s glasses and backpack in hand, Maya let Carina lead the way, unsure exactly how she was feeling. Adrenaline had left her shaky, relief brought with it residual anxiety and fear. Maya kept her focus on each step, walking next to Carina as they made their way to the respiratory ward.

Two minutes after they settled in Jamie’s room, Jamie stirred. She groaned, wincing as she raised one uncoordinated hand, brushing at her nasal canula. Carina gently took her wrist, cooing as Maya circled the bed on the other side.

“Hey, there’s my Baby T-Rex,” Maya said, stroking Jamie’s hair back from her forehead.

Jamie blinked. She still seemed so lethargic. “Che è successo?”

“You fainted at school,” Carina answered, rubbing Jamie’s arm. “But you’re going to be just fine, amore mio.”

“Sono svenuta?” Jamie mumbled. “Non mi ricordo…”

Hearing Jamie speak Italian brought a sense of normalcy. Technically, English was Jamie’s first language, but Maya knew both of her children felt the greatest comfort speaking Italian. She guessed it was because it brought them closer to Carina, the words, the intonation, enveloping them in Carina’s love. Maya hadn’t even had a chance to check in with Carina, everything was such a whirlwind, that now she finally looked up, across the bed, to where her wife was sitting next to Jamie’s hip.

Carina caught her staring, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips, and when Maya reached for her to cup her cheek, Carina leaned in, pressing her own hand to the back of Maya’s.

“Everything is okay,” Maya said, trying to believe the words herself.

Eventually, she stepped out of the room while Carina helped Jamie change into a hospital gown. Hayden had floor-hockey after school, so Maya called Katherine and made arrangements for her to pick him up when he was done and bring him to the hospital. She knew he’d be upset they didn’t immediately tell him, but Jamie was out of the woods and Maya desperately wanted her son to have some routine in his life. Let him play hockey with his friends for an hour. Let him enjoy.

Jamie was fairly groggy as she drifted in and out of consciousness for the next hour as the ibuprofen did its work, lowering her fever. When she finally pushed herself up, her eyes now focused, Maya forced a smile, her gaze drifting from Carina who still sat by Jamie’s hip, to Jamie.

“Are you hungry, Jay?” Maya asked, planning to track down a JELLO cup.

Jamie furrowed her brow in a wince. “No. I feel really…cloudy.”

“Cloudy? Like confused?” Carina held Jamie’s hand and within seconds, Jamie started spinning the gold rings on her Mama’s fingers. A subconscious habit, and an old one, sweet and innocent.

Jamie tilted her head, trying to think. “Yeah. Like I’m forgetting something…or…”

The gasp that escaped her throat was shocking. Maya nearly jumped, confused by the wild look on Jamie’s face, the flush up her neck, the worry in her eyes.

“I saw him!” Jamie hissed, grabbing the sleeve of Maya’s shirt. “He was at school and I saw him and…”

“Who?” Maya asked, fear prickling up her spine.

Jamie visibly swallowed. “Mason. I looked out the window and he was there…in the parking lot, he was just watching the school, he…I got up so fast…because Hayden…I had to get to Hayden and then the room started spinning and I must have fainted…”

Her words were swallowed by a coughing fit, a sharp wheeze that sounded painful. Carina helped Jamie sit up and began patting her back, but Maya already had her phone in her hand. She quickly dialled the school’s number and asked to speak to the principal. He was apparently away for the day, so Maya had to settle for the Vice Principal, a man she’d only met twice because he was new to the school this year.

“Vice Principal Donland, this is Maya Bishop, Hayden DeLuca-Bishop’s mother,” she began, keeping one eye on Jamie who had finally caught her breath.

“Yes, Ms. Bishop, what can I do for you?” Came the voice on the other end. He sounded distracted.

“Please make sure that when floor hockey ends, my son doesn’t leave the building unless he’s accompanied by his grandmother. She’s picking him up. No one else.”

Maya didn’t want to cause panic. Part of her wondered if she should call the police again, but what could she say? Technically, Mason had yet to commit a crime. And knowing her brother, he was smart enough to stand just beyond school property. He wasn’t even trespassing. Maya had already spoken to the police once before and despite her connections, they were all in a holding pattern. A horrible wait and see.

She just kept coming back to the fact that Mason was so clever. Getting arrested would instantly remove his power. Causing a scene would bring too much attention. He was taking a page from Lane’s playbook. Never make a public spectacle of a private family affair.

“Got it. Family only,” Vice Principal Donland said.

Maya clenched her jaw. “His grandmother. Just his grandmother.”

She barely received an answer before he hung up.

After ending the call, she sent a quick text to Zane’s dad, knowing he often coached the boy’s floor-hockey. He knew about the situation and would recognize Mason in an instant.

“Maybe it was my turn,” Jamie said, her hoarse voice pulling Maya’s attention.

Carina frowned, laying her hand on Jamie’s head. “What do you mean, Cucciola?”

“He already threatened Hayden,” Jamie said, her heavy eyelids and quiet tone a sure sign that she was falling asleep. “And he tried to hurt Mama. Maybe he was coming for me this time.”

Maya wasn’t sure that she’d heard Jamie correctly. She pursed her lips, confused by Carina’s heavy sigh.

“When did he try to hurt Mama?” Maya asked, assuming Jamie was referring to the many times Mason had spoken out of turn in Carina’s presence.

Jamie yawned, battling to stay awake. “At Gran’s. In the hallway…he wouldn’t let her go…he was standing so close…”

The fear turned into a low burning fire. It kindled within Maya’s belly, small but dangerous.

“What is she talking about, Carina?” Maya asked, the flame growing when Carina stood and crossed her arms. She looked pensive, uncomfortable. Pensive, uncomfortable, and a little guilty.

“Can we talk about this outside?” Carina whispered, pointing towards Jamie’s bed and their now sleeping daughter.

Maya shook her head. “What the hell is she talking about, Carina?”

“I was going to tell you,” Carina began. “I swear, Maya. But it was the day that Mason showed Hayden those horrible abortion pictures and…there was so much happening…”

Maya balled her hands into fists, trying to stay calm. “Tell me what?”

“Earlier that morning, Jamie and I went to your Mamma’s,” Carina said, bowing her head. “Mason cornered me in the hallway. He wouldn’t let me pass.”

“He cornered you?”

“Yes, but Maya…”

Jamie stirred, a reminder that they were not alone, so Maya did what she had to do in order to hide her rage from her family. She walked out the door, Carina’s words fueling each movement, fury and despair driving her farther and farther away…

Until she felt a hand circle her wrist.

“Come,” Carina said, guiding Maya down an unfamiliar hallway.

“But Jamie…”

“Amelia stepped in almost as soon as you left.”

Carina used her ID card to open the door to an on-call room, letting Maya storm in ahead of her. Like most on-call rooms at Grey-Sloan, it was a small space with only a spartan bed and a few shelves. The late afternoon gloom was fitting. The sun had no place here.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Maya barked, already pacing.

Carina tucked her hands into her lab coat, her back against the wall. “Because you were already dealing with so much. I knew it would upset you, so I decided to wait. And then things started to calm down and I just wanted to forget it ever happened.”

“So you were just going to pretend my brother didn’t attack you?”

“No, I…”

“Tell me exactly what he did! Tell me…”

“Maya,” Carina exhaled, finally crossing the room. She squeezed Maya’s biceps, stilling her. “He only wanted to scare me. He was mad that we were keeping Hayden from him and he wanted me to know it.”

“Did he touch you?”

“Bambina…”

“Tell me!” Maya shouted, ignoring the way Carina flinched. “Did he…”

The timeline clarified in Maya’s mind. She remembered going to pick up Hayden only to find he wasn’t there. She remembered the fear as she drove home and then the relief as Hayden walked through the door. But she also remembered that night. She remembered Carina waking up from a nightmare. Which meant…

“Oh God, he triggered you,” Maya whispered, pressing a hand to her mouth. “Please tell me he didn’t touch you, Carina. Please…I can’t…”

She grappled Carina into a hug, the thought of her little brother hurting her wife almost too much to bear. Carina’s arms circled Maya’s body, she was somehow calm and steady in this moment where Maya felt like she was tearing apart.

“He didn’t touch me,” Carina swore. “He put his arms on either side of my head and he used his body to block my way. But he didn’t touch me.”

“Did he put his hands on you? I’m so sorry, my love. I’m so sorry he did that. I’m…”

“Maya, none of this is your fault. He very obviously wanted to hurt you.”

“Then he should hurt me! Not you! Not my kids! Me!”

The day Lane had pulled her hair all those years ago, the day reality came crashing down, Maya had experienced the most painful revelation of her life. It was as if a horrifying wave had broken through, staining her memories, sweeping them away, destroying them. Every single aspect of her life felt tarnished. She’d questioned her sanity. She’d questioned everything she thought she knew. The process of acknowledging Lane’s abuse and then identifying it took years. In some ways, it was still ongoing.

Once more she felt the wave.

Only this time, it took Mason. It took the little boy who looked at her with big blue eyes, with rosy cheeks. Who made her finger paintings and snuck into her room with food he’d put in his pocket during dinner – dinners where Maya was not allowed to eat. Where food was a luxury she had not earned.

That sweet, kind, talented boy had turned into a man who seethed with hatred. Who had no qualms about scaring a thirteen-year-old child.

Who had no qualms about…

Anger bubbled, hotter than the wave, hotter than she’d ever felt it before. The little boy was gone and in his place was a monster who’d used his body to threaten her wife. And despite Carina’s assurance that he hadn’t actually touched her, whatever he did was enough to cause a nightmare. It was enough to take Carina back to a place of pain and violation.

Mason had done that.

Maya was not a violent person.

But for a split-second, standing in that on-call room, Maya pictured snapping her brother’s neck.

She squeezed her eyes shut, the fact that she’d conjured such an image terrifying in its own way. Not for the first time in her life, Maya was scared of herself. Of what she was capable of. Of what harm it could do.

“Okay, Maya, eyes on me,” Carina was saying, holding Maya’s face in her hands. “Only on me, Bella.”

In the midst of her deepest trauma, on the days when Lane’s voice was the loudest, when what she thought she knew broke and scattered, Mason had always been the light. At least Mason is good, she’d think, relieved that Mason had not inherited Lane’s cruelty. Not like she had. She’d held onto him – her perfect image of him – and it helped her heal. He was an artist. Sensitive and sweet. So full of love. A kind, gentle soul who’d been broken by their father’s abuse and Maya’s neglect.

He was out there. Hopefully off the streets. Hopefully healthy. Painting and creating, a flower blooming from toxic soil.

Now she understood that the toxic soil had embedded itself into his DNA too. That he’d grown and evolved into an incubus. That he’d taken Lane’s hate, but instead of internalizing it, he’d unleashed it. Mason was a virus.

Mason was her reckoning.

“Maya,” Carina said again, pressing her palm to Maya’s chest. “I need you to take a deep breath for me, va bene?”

Did she want to cry? Did she want to scream?

What did she want?

Under the ice, tentacles lashing her ankles, she looked up, trying to surface. There was a choice to be made. Down in the muck, in the dark, in the shadowed crypt of memory and betrayal. Or to a different place, a better place.

Gold rings catching the sunlight, shining, hers for the taking.

Maya Bishop had chased rings all her life.

Five rings to gold. Hanging above her head. Weighted around her shoulders.

Five rings of gold. Worn on graceful hands. Hands that loved her. That healed her.

She breathed, a harsh, wet inhale that jogged her into awareness of where she was. The violence ebbed, as did the murky black, and when Maya opened her eyes, all she could see was Carina’s face.

You and me against the world.

“He scared you,” Maya said. Her voice was calm, steady, so different from the ragged, desperate inhales of seconds before.

Carina swallowed hard, her eyes brimming with tears, and the slight nod was all Maya needed to wrap her in a hug. She curved her hand around the back of Carina’s head, holding her, allowing herself to take strength from Carina. Allowing herself their bond. After weeks of denial, after weeks of building a gulf between them, Maya had finally made a choice.

Carina’s love filled her, revived her. Carina’s love brought her world into focus. It tore away violence, it forced light through all the jagged cracks left by stinging words. It gave Maya purpose and direction.

It was everything. The start. The end.

Everything.

“I think we should go get Hayden,” Maya whispered, stroking Carina’s hair. She felt another nod before Carina leaned back.

“I need them both here,” Carina agreed. “Until we know where Mason is, I want…”

Her words were interrupted by the sound of a buzzing phone. Maya furrowed her brow, reaching into her back pocket, unsurprised to see Katherine’s name on the screen. They’d sent her the briefest update about Jamie and she likely wanted to know more.

“Hey Mom,” Maya said after taking the call.

Katherine breathed heavily on the other end. “Maya, he’s not here!”

“What do you mean?” Maya asked, inadvertently taking a step closer to Carina. They were almost squished together, barely an inch between them.

“I’m at the school,” Katherine explained, “and the teacher said he left with family, but I don’t…”

The phone buzzed again. A second call incoming.

Hayden.

Maya didn’t even warn Katherine before accepting it.

“Mom!” Hayden’s voice was shrill, full of panic. “Mom, you have to come get me! I don’t know where he took me, I didn’t want to…”

“Hayden, Tesoro, tell us what happened,” Carina said, exchanging a terrified glance with Maya.

They heard shuffling and gasping breaths. “Mama, please come! He’s going to find me!”

Maya was close enough to Carina to sense the second she started to panic too. There was a twitch in her jaw, a shudder in her inhale. With one hand on Carina’s arm to steady her, Maya ignored her own terror and did what she did best in moments of danger: she strategized.

“Bam, listen to me, okay?” She began, never breaking eye contact with Carina. “We’re going to track you on Mama’s phone. We’re on our way. Are you somewhere safe?”

“I don’t know,” he whimpered. “I’m hiding behind one of those big garbage bins behind a restaurant.”

Maya nodded, tightening her grip on Carina. “Good. Stay right there. We’re coming, Hayden.”

“Don’t hang up,” he begged, his open fear making it difficult for Maya to remain composed. A single tear dripped down Carina’s cheek as she took the phone from Maya and held it to her ear.

“We won’t,” she swore, already handing Maya her own phone so they could begin tracking Hayden. “Mom is finding you right now with the GPS.”

Maya was already moving towards the door, one hand around Carina’s wrist, the other holding Carina’s phone where a small map of Seattle lit up the screen. In the corner, in a suburb to the north, was a small red circle. It flashed, blinking in and out, reassuring and terrifying all at once.

Chapter Text

The tension in the car was nauseating.

Maya drove in complete silence, her gaze drifting from the GPS to the road. She followed the robotic instructions, her heart beating so quickly that it felt like thudding in her ears. Beside her, Carina remained on the phone with Hayden, speaking to him constantly – affirmations and promises, an endless litany in Italian and in English, part lullaby, part prayer.

The sun set as they drove further away from Grey-Sloan, the distance causing even more tension because it meant leaving Jamie behind. Maya tried to comfort herself with the knowledge that Katherine was with Jamie, holding her hand. But Maya wished she could be in two places at once.

She wished so many things. Some darker than others.

“We’re almost there, Bam,” Maya said, listening to his heavy breathing on the phone. There was no response, though Maya was fairly certain he was crying.

She turned left and then right, noticing the McDonald’s Hayden spoke about, but according to the GPS he was still ten blocks away. Thankfully, there wasn’t a lot of traffic and the lights were in their favour, so Maya picked up speed, turning down a poorly lit back alley. The headlights illuminated their way, until Maya stopped at the sight of a large, green trash bin behind a row of small restaurants and pawn shops. She parked, ignoring the sudden cold as she stepped out of the car.

“Hayden,” she called, not wanting to scare him.

Carina still held her phone, but she was cautious too. “Passerotto, it’s okay.”

When Hayden’s face appeared behind the bin, Maya exhaled, her smile watery. As soon as he saw them, he was running, a blur of blue jeans and a white t-shirt that crashed into Carina’s open arms, nearly sending her stumbling backwards. Maya wrapped an arm around Carina’s back, steadying her, and then joined the hug, squeezing Hayden as close as she could.

“You’re okay, Bam,” she whispered, tangling her fingers through his curls. He breathed heavily, his face hidden against Carina’s shoulder, and even though his hair was sweaty, Maya couldn’t stop touching him, reassuring herself that he was uninjured.

“What happened, amore mio?” Carina finally asked, taking his face in her hands. He was flushed, his eyes red-rimmed and glassy. For a moment it seemed like he was about to cry, but instead he sniffled and swallowed hard.

“Uncle Mason showed up at my floor-hockey game,” Hayden said, “and I told him to leave. I told him I didn’t want to see him, but he said he was leaving Seattle and he wanted to say sorry.”

Maya clenched her jaw, forcing herself not to interrupt. Not to call her brother a slew of names. Not to make any threats.

“I told him that I didn’t care,” Hayden continued. “And it seemed like he was going to go, but then he started talking about Gran and how much it would mean to her if I forgave him and I was so…I was so stupid! Why did I believe him?”

Carina cupped Hayden’s cheek, brushing away his tears with her thumb. “None of this, Angioletto, you never say that about yourself, va bene? Never.”

“He drove me to McDonalds in a van I’d never seen before,” Hayden explained, lowering his gaze. “I knew we were driving too far from our normal McDonalds…except he was being super nice. He kept saying that he was sorry and how much he loves my art…”

Hayden palled, his eyes fixed on his shoes.

“At first, everything seemed okay,” he whispered, hunching his shoulders. “We got food and he was asking about my summer plans, normal stuff. And then he told me about Montana, about his church and all the kids who go. He…he said he was driving back tonight and I could come with him, but I told him there was no way…he stopped smiling…he looked mean, like his eyes went all funny and I could tell he was angry…he just kept saying that it would be better for me, that he could help me, that he'd buy me all new clothes and I had the worst feeling, and I started thinking about the stories Mama told me about her Nonna, about how she’d have a bad feeling and she’d know when it was going to rain or when someone was going to get sick…”

Carina smiled softly. She pressed her hand to Hayden’s chest, over his San Floriano medallion, and not for the first time, Maya wondered if there really was something to all the Nonna folk wisdom Carina carried with her.

“I kept hearing Mom’s voice in my head,” Hayden said. “Telling me to get somewhere safe. So I told Uncle Mason that I had to go to the bathroom and the second he turned his back, I ran. I ran and ran and then I hid behind the garbage bin and that’s when I called you.”

Maya exhaled as Hayden finished, her feelings a jumble of anger and betrayal. She seriously wondered if it was time to call the police, though technically, Mason hadn’t committed a crime. Yet.

Underneath the logical, first-responder reaction, there was another version of her who was drowning. The floor beneath her feet crumbled as she realized that in every way that mattered, her little brother was dead.

Her little brother had tried to kidnap her baby.

“We should get out of here,” Maya said, looking over her shoulder. The alley was deserted, lit by streetlamps and the headlights of her Jeep. She felt too exposed, the world suddenly untrustworthy. Every sound, every smell was something that could hurt her children or her wife.

Carina nodded, sliding her arm around Hayden’s shoulders. He looked so small. So young.

The thought of him alone with Mason made her sick. The thought of what Mason could have done…

“There you are!”

Mason’s voice rang out in the silence, an unwelcome, overly friendly greeting. He stood at the end of the alley, casual and confident and the closer he came, the more Maya realized that her brother was pleased with himself.

“Don’t come any closer, Mason,” she barked, placing herself in front of Carina and Hayden. She raised one hand, a sign that she wanted him to stop. He did, raising his own hands, mocking her with a smug grin.

“You don’t share a drop of DNA, but the kid can run,” Mason laughed, shaking his head. “Nature versus nurture and all that.”

Maya flinched, but refused to back down. “I’m calling the police, Mason. If you don’t leave right now, I’ll…”

“You’ll what? Tell them that I took my nephew to McDonalds,” he shrugged. “Last time I checked, it was a free country. Not that you care about this country.”

“I’ll tell them you kidnapped me!” Hayden shouted, “And you threatened my Mama! I’ll tell them!”

Maya could hear Carina trying to calm Hayden behind her. She just couldn’t lose sight of Mason, not for a second.

“I was trying to help you,” Mason said, his gaze over Maya’s shoulder towards Hayden. “I was trying to prepare you for the world, Hayden. That’s all.”

“Don’t look at him,” Maya snapped her fingers, pulling Mason’s attention. “Don’t look at my son. You look at me. That’s what you want, Mason. Me. So let me have it. Say what you need to say.”

Mason straightened his back as he stared her down. “Fine. I will. You disgust me. Your family disgusts me. You are not a good person, Maya. You’ve never been a good person. You’re as mean as he ever was. You’re…”

“Shut up!” Hayden yelled. Maya could feel him struggle against her back as Carina kept him from leaping forward.

But Mason wasn’t finished.

“You’re a degenerate,” he continued. “Your wife is a green-card chasing whore.”

“Mason,” Maya took a step towards him, knowing he was baiting her. Knowing that he wanted to see her loser her temper. That it would excite him.

“Did she tell you about our little visit at Mom’s?” He asked, his teeth shining as he grinned. “Do you know how easy it would have been. To take what’s yours, Maya. To take your most prized trophy.”

“Stop,” Maya said, strangled. “Mason, just…”

“All you ever do is take. You stole my life,” he growled, “you stole every opportunity from me – all the money, all the attention…it was always you, Maya. You, you, you. So forgive me for trying to balance the scales.”

“You can’t just kidnap people!” Hayden said and Maya finally looked over her shoulder, her eyes welling at the sight of her son, his hands curled into fists. Carina held his biceps, her face streaked with tears, though she held her head high, defiant.

“Kidnap? I was going to give you a real family,” Mason sighed. “I was going to show you a world where you could be exactly who you are. Where you’d be respected and celebrated.”

Hayden scoffed. “I already have a real family!”

“No, kid, you don’t,” Mason growled. “Maya isn’t your mother. It’s probably the only reason you’re a decent human being. Not a drop of her blood to pollute you. And as for Jamie? She’s not your sister, Hayden. She’s…”

“YES SHE IS!” Hayden broke free from Carina, running at full speed towards Mason. Maya was able to block him, using all her strength as he thrashed against her.

“Bam,” she tried, her arms locked around his body, “Hayden! Stop!”

He growled, still fighting, and despite the difficulty of the situation, Maya couldn’t say she was surprised. Hayden had always been a passionate child, more prone to emotional outbursts than his sister. He was also incredibly laid back, quick with a joke, quicker with a laugh. The first time someone had told him that Jamie wasn’t really his sister, he’d come home from school inconsolable. At only six, he couldn’t understand why anyone would say such a thing, and his little sobs kept Maya and Carina up most of the night as they assured him that Jamie was his sister, that nothing could ever change that.

Their school was full of diverse families, but on rare occasions, both kids had been subject to ignorant comments or thinly veiled homophobia. As they grew older, they became more resilient, more outspoken. Instead of tears, Jamie and Hayden countered hate with stubborn resistance.

Except for this.

This was Hayden’s ignition point. When the hot temper was replaced with burning rage.

“Hayden!” Maya cried again, huffing as Carina did her best to help, her hands on Hayden’s shoulders.

He slowed, boxed in by Maya’s arms, and Carina managed to grab his face and force eye contact.

“Hayden, look at me,” she instructed, firm but still so gentle. Maya held him, gripping the back of his t-shirt, silent as Carina worked her magic.

“Jamie is your sister,” Carina whispered, “It does not matter what this man says or thinks. Jamie is your sister.”

“She’s my sister,” Hayden repeated, an angry exhale. “And Mom is my mom.”

Maya nodded, hyper aware that Mason was there, watching. “Since the moment you were conceived, my Bam Bam.”

There was pain in his eyes, disappointed, wounded pain. Her Hayden who was sunlight, whose eyes sparkled with mischief. He’d never looked like this before, like he now carried the weight of the world on his thin shoulders.

And Mason had done that.

He’d attacked Carina, triggering her, forcing her to relive one of the most awful moments of her life.

He’d scared Jamie, baiting her, a boogeyman on the margins of where she was supposed to feel safe.

And Hayden…

What he’d done to Hayden…

Once Maya was sure that Carina had a strong grip on Hayden’s arms, she turned, facing Mason again. She took a step closer and then another, until she was close enough to hear her brother breathing.

“I loved you,” she said, staring into a stranger’s face. “I loved you so much, Mason. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help you when we were kids, I’ll regret it until the day I die, but what Dad to us…to Mom…it’s no excuse for what you did to my family.”

Mason didn’t blink. He was a sheet of ice. “You shouldn’t have a family. You don’t deserve them. And I’ll admit, you’ve done a great job convincing them you do. Then again, you did a great job convincing Dad you weren’t a dyke, so…”

“And you’ve done a great job becoming what you hate the most. You’re Dad. Every single thing about you.”

His nostrils flared. She’d obviously hit a nerve. “And you’re not?”

“This morning when I found out what you did to Carina, I imagined killing you,” she confessed, her words void of emotion. She heard a gasp behind her but didn’t turn around, knowing that if she saw Carina’s face, her horror, it would break her. “The idea of you putting your hands on my wife, the idea of you anywhere near her…I wanted to snap your neck. I have to live with that anger inside, with that violence. So, yes, I’m Dad too. Except I try not to be, I do everything I can not to be. You’ve done the opposite.”

“You have no right…”

“You blame me for the drugs, you blame me for him. But you chose hate, Mason, just like he did. Worse than he did. We could’ve been a family. A real family.”

A single tear dripped down Maya’s cheek. All the anger fizzled away, leaving her exhausted and spent. She had no fight left. He’d taken that from her too.

“You keep using that word,” Mason growled, pointing at her. “You think you know what a family is when yours is an abomination. They shouldn’t let people like you get married, they shouldn’t let perverts like you adopt, or make children like some science experiment in a lab. You’ll ruin that boy’s life just like you ruin everything else.”

“You spend your time brainwashing children, trying to steal them from their parents. You’re obsessed with adolescent boys, but I’m the pervert?”

Mason grabbed her wrist without warning, raising it between them. He squeezed, the grip enough to shift her bones as she cried out in pain.

“Shut your mouth,” he said, seething, his low hiss a perfect impression of Lane’s.

Maya could hear Carina and Hayden calling for her. There was an edge of panic in Carina’s voice.

“This is going to destroy Mom,” Maya said, strangled, “When she finds out what you did to my kids? They’re her entire world, do you understand that? Do you understand the damage you’ve caused? She’ll never get over it, Mason. Never.”

He fumed in response, bending her arm at an awkward angle, though Maya didn’t miss the tremble in his jaw when she spoke about Katherine. She gasped as the pain ricocheted from her wrist to her elbow, the path Carina so loved to trace. 

“Do it!” Maya said, gritting her teeth, “do it, Mason! Prove you’re just like Dad!”

For a second, she wondered if he was truly about to break her wrist.

And then he let go.

Stepping back.

Stepping away.

The lamps cast him in strange shadows, darkening his eyes, shifting the shape of his face. A ghoulish pale mask panting in the dark.

Without a word he turned his back to her and started running, his feet kicking dust into the air, but Maya didn’t try to chase him. She let him go. After years and years of wishing for Mason to come home, she let him leave.

As she held her arm to her chest, she somehow knew that she’d never see her brother again.

“Maya!”

Carina was there, her hands fluttering from Maya’s face to her arm. Hayden was there too, wide-eyed and shaking.

“Mom, are you okay?” He gasped, and Maya knew she must look terrible. She wanted to drift away, to her clouds, she wanted to find quiet and solitude, away from the dusty alley, away from everything that hurt. The only thing keeping her from completely disassociating was the awareness that it would traumatize Hayden even more than he was already traumatized.

If only she could sleep. If only she could shut her eyes and pretend that Mason was still the fantasy she’d kept throughout the years. Out there, creating, healthy. Not out there, twisted and deformed into unrecognizable terror.

“Bambina, please,” Carina’s voice pulled Maya back down to earth, that beautiful face, that kind, forgiving heart.

There was no more hiding, no more need to pretend. She let Carina take her arm, watching slightly detached as Carina turned her wrist, her fingertips coasting over the growing bruises.

“I’m fine,” Maya forced herself to say, her free hand curving around the back of Hayden’s head.

Carina tsk’d. She was shaking too.

“We need to get back to the hospital,” Maya said, wondering if her legs were about to give out.

Hayden frowned, his gaze on Maya’s injured arm. “Does it really hurt, Mom? Do you need an X Ray?”

Belatedly, Maya realized that Hayden didn’t know about Jamie’s hospitalization.

“Everything is okay,” Carina began, her forced smile doing little to reassure anyone. “But Jamie has to spend the night at Grey-Sloan. She…”

“WHAT?” Hayden practically screamed, his eyes glassy.

“Hey,” Maya said, squeezing his shoulder. “It’s just a precaution. Teddy thinks that Jamie had a bad reaction to her antibiotics. When we left, she was awake and with Gran and I’m sure she can’t wait to see you.”

A car engine revved a block away and Hayden jumped, looking over his shoulder. He gripped the hem of his t-shirt, kneading it between his thumbs, every inch of him projecting anxiety. The last of Maya’s brain fog evaporated as she and Carina exchanged a glance that contained an entire conversation. They only paused to retrieve Hayden’s backpack from behind the garbage bin before climbing into Maya’s jeep, silent, each lost in thought.

Unlike the drive here, there was no tension in the car. There was a heaviness, an oppressive weight that stole Maya’s ability to form comforting words. Carina drove, her hands white knuckled on the steering wheel, tears still streaming down her cheeks though she did not cry. In the backseat, Hayden stared out the window, a streak of dirt across his forehead, his sweaty t-shirt a reminder of his ordeal.

As for Maya, she held her throbbing wrist, her eyes closed lest she see Mason’s fingerprints all over her skin. She concentrated on breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, each inhale bringing a strange mix of the familiar and unfamiliar. Carina’s bodywash, dust, sweat, stale coffee from the cup she’d left earlier that morning. Her uniform shirt was creased, the tie long gone and when she smoothed her hand over her hair, she found it tangled.

Maya felt lost.

She looked to her left, studying Carina’s profile. The downward curve of her lips. The furrowed brow.

Maybe Carina could help her find all the broken pieces. Maya didn’t even know where to start.

The silence continued as they arrived at Grey-Sloan. Teddy had texted Carina while they drove, letting her know Jamie’s room number, so it was easy enough to track her down. Visiting hours were long over, but no one stopped them, not even when Hayden picked up his pace, pushing ahead in nearly a jog.

Maya and Carina made it to the doorway just on time to see him fall into Jamie’s arms. She was sitting up in her hospital bed, a nasal canula and IV the only sign that she was still unwell, but when Hayden collapsed against her, his head on her shoulder, Jamie reacted immediately, her eyes widening in surprise. Katherine, who had been sitting in the corner, stood, crossing the room to lay a hand on Hayden’s back, her confusion palpable as she glanced from Maya to her grandchildren.

“It’s okay, fratellino,” Jamie said, tussling his hair. Even though his voice was muffled, the whole room could hear Hayden’s tiny sobs as he clung to Jamie, as he released all of his fear and all of his hurt, held by his hero, his favourite person.

There were so many questions to answer. Katherine seemed so frail, as if she already knew that whatever Maya had to say would break her. Jamie would need answers too. Her brother was weeping, his shirt covered in sweat and dirt. And her mothers were frozen in place, exhausted, Maya clutching her wrist, Carina bracing herself against the wall.

Sometimes, it was hard to be the parent. It was hard to be the person who had to take charge, who had to push down feelings because there were more important things to deal with, more important people to save. Maya grit her teeth, unable to look at her Mother for a moment because what she needed right now was for someone else to be the parent. Was for Katherine to be the parent.

For once…

The thought was dark. Unfair. Unjustified, even.

But Maya’s head was full of clouds. The day too much. Reality too difficult to face.

Chapter Text

Carina’s office was swanky with floor to ceiling windows that provided an incredible view of Seattle. Usually, Maya found the space comforting – it was all so Carina from the beige leather couch to the numerous leafy plants she kept to bring some colour. There were framed awards on the wall and a large, minimalist desk that held more frames, and the entire room was sophisticated and elegant and exactly where Carina deserved to be. At the very top. The very best.

Now, Maya stood motionless, her gaze unfocused as the city lights burned into the night. The office was dark, she hadn’t even bothered to turn on a lamp, and the gloom offered its own peace. She could hide here, away from the harsh fluorescents of the hospital hallways. Even Jamie’s room was a little too much for Maya – the monitors beeping and flickering long after Jamie had fallen asleep.

Katherine still sat vigil, but eventually, they had convinced Hayden to let go of his sister. They knew he would refuse to leave the hospital, so Carina had started making phone calls. A cot appeared in the room and then a recliner. It would be uncomfortable, and Maya knew it would be better if she took Hayden home and let him sleep in his own bed.

She just couldn’t bring herself to say it. Going home would mean leaving Jamie and Carina who would stay with her. Maya needed her eyes on her wife and children. She needed to know they were all safe again.

Thankfully, Hayden had a change of clothes in his backpack – a clean pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. Carina made yet another phone call so they could all go upstairs and Hayden could use the exclusive staff bathroom and its shower. While Carina made sure Hayden had towels and shampoo, Maya had wandered into Carina’s office, drawn by the idea of privacy and the quiet.

Her contacts at SPD were empathetic and understandably concerned. They put out a BOLO for Mason’s van, but Maya knew that the law was not in their favour. Nor was time. Mason had been smart – gaining Hayden’s consent before taking him from school, avoiding physical contact. Any evidence of a potential kidnapping was circumstantial, at best. The word of a thirteen-year-old boy against a grown man.

It wasn’t illegal to be against abortion. It wasn’t illegal to be homophobic.

It wasn’t illegal to use a child’s love for his grandmother to trick him.

It wasn’t illegal to call the most incredible, beautiful, loving woman in the world a whore.

Hayden was a minor and they could certainly argue that he’d been coerced, plus Maya could use her bruises as evidence for assault, but the fact that Mason had likely crossed state lines made the situation even more complex. Maya already had a text from the police chief that the FBI was now involved.

They’d informed hospital security and there was a police car patrolling their neighborhood, which was more of a favour to Maya than an official SPD decision, but somehow Maya knew that Mason wouldn’t try again. That he was gone forever.

She closed her eyes, drifting, and when the door clicked open, she didn’t turn around. The clouds were soft, they were insulating – she wouldn’t need to think about Mason, about the police, about her brother’s face as he snarled at her, as he injured her.

“Maya?” Carina’s voice was ragged, it pulled Maya from her own despair because there was nothing more important than Carina, than their children.

Outwardly, Carina looked just as dishevelled as Maya. She’d tossed aside her coat at some point, but her blouse had come untucked from her black trousers and her hair was windswept and tangled. There were heavy smudges beneath her eyes from her mascara, made all the worse by fresh tears that streamed down her cheeks.

Maya had to actively remember how to form words. She was so close to tipping into comatose avoidance that speaking took effort.

Open your mouth. Make a sound.

“Hey,” Maya managed, reaching out, “it’s all o…”

Carina crossed the room in two strides, surprising Maya when she didn’t move in for a hug. Instead, her hands were on Maya’s elbow and her wrist, extending it, bringing it closer to her own chest.

“He hurt you,” Carina wept, hiccupping as she held Maya’s hand. “I thought…I wanted to help you but Hayden…and then…”

“I’m okay,” Maya said, lying, cupping Carina’s cheek, trying to brush away the moisture with her thumb.

Carina shook her head. “Oh, God, Maya…he hurt you.”

As a first responder, Maya had seen her fair share of violence. Domestic dispute calls that went south. The aftermath of stabbings or shootings or worse. It wasn’t exactly something to get used to, but a certain numbness set in, the brain protecting itself from constant horrors.

Nothing could prepare you for seeing violence inflicted on someone you knew personally.

Someone you loved.

Maya understood that more than most people.

So, she stopped telling Carina that she was okay, that she was fine. She stopped because it wasn’t helping either of them feel better.

“Nothing is broken,” Maya promised, her eyes glassy as Carina pressed anxious kisses to each bruise around her wrist. That was a lie too. So much was broken.

Carina finally released Maya’s arm and instead curled her hands around Maya’s face, brushing her fingertips against high cheekbones, across Maya’s forehead. Even in the dark room, Maya could see the way Carina was studying her with narrowed eyes, as if she was trying to solve a puzzle and couldn’t find the missing pieces.

Free from Mason’s constant whispering, Maya no longer had any reason to keep Carina away. She wavered on her feet, light-headed and sore, trapped in the fog. Everything was so heavy – her shoulders, her back, her chest – she didn’t know how to ask Carina for the help she needed, she just knew she needed help. To stay afloat, on the surface. To kick away the leeches. To kick away her darkness.

Carina wrapped her arms around Maya’s body, bringing her close. They locked together, curving, Carina’s hand at the back of Maya’s head, Maya’s fingers possessive as they clawed into Carina’s shirt near her hip.

How did Mason burrow his way in so deeply? How did he convince her that removing herself from Carina was healthy? Was selfless? How did she let his words in so easily? How did he break her?

Would she ever be whole again?

“How bad is it?” Carina whispered, her thumb tracing light circles at the base of Maya’s skull, where loose hair from her ponytail lay limp against her skin.

At first, Maya wasn’t sure what Carina was referring to. Her wrist? Jamie’s illness? Hayden’s trauma? But the way Carina’s was cradling her head, the way her lips were against Maya’s temple. Carina wasn’t asking about anything physical.

Maya sagged, letting Carina support her weight, defenceless as the proximity to her wife washed away every barnacle and spike she’d implemented to avoid exactly this. She buried her face in Carina’s neck, and when the first sob rose from her chest, Maya didn’t hold it back. She couldn’t.

“Bad,” was her response.

Carina’s hug transformed – they were no longer comforting each other, Carina was shouldering Maya’s anguish, she was keeping her upright and conscious and present.

“Can you try something for me?” Carina asked, still in a whisper. She removed the elastic from Maya’s ponytail, her fingers immediately scratching Maya’s scalp, releasing tension.

Maya nodded, refusing to move.

“Instead of your clouds, I want you to imagine our bed,” Carina continued, slowing her breathing so that Maya could feel each purposeful inhale and exhale, so she could copy it. “We have the blue sheets on, fresh from the dryer. Think about how soft they are, how good they smell. You can rest here, Maya. You can lie down and you can sleep and you will be safe here. Not in your clouds. In our bed, at home, with me.”

The fantasy was so clear. Lamplight, quiet, the corners of the room nothing but black ink, shadows. Lying beside her was Carina, those eyes, that perfect face. Clouds were an illusion, a dangerous falsehood. They would not catch her, they would let her fall, they would let her plummet and die and shatter.

Carina was real. Carina was hers.

Solid and strong. Holding her up, holding her together.

Maya loosened her grip on Carina’s shirt and slid one hand up her side, coasting her palm over silk until she reached the opening of Carina’s blouse. She lay her hand there, just below the hollow of Carina’s throat, just where the scar began.

“Yes,” Carina sighed, stroking Maya’s hair. “Right there, my love. You are always safe right there. My Maya.”

In a perfect world, they really would be in their bed together. Maya could undo the buttons on Carina’s pyjama top and press her face between Carina’s breasts and just breathe. Count heartbeats. Exist in Carina’s gravitational pull. But it wasn’t a perfect world. Far from it.

So Maya forced herself to rise, to straighten her back, to abandon the shelter of Carina’s skin, but not the fantasy Carina had given her.

Hours before, Maya had yearned for intimacy, she’d hoped for a shower. Together. Naked. Now, standing in Carina’s office, in the dark, her thumb rubbing small circles against Carina’s chest, she was grateful to have even this tiny moment. It wasn’t nearly enough, but it would carry her through the night.

“I love you, Carina,” Maya swore, linking their fingers with her free hand. “I’m sorry I listened to him. I’m sorry I let him take me away.”

Carina pursed her lips, her eyes watery. “All that matters it that you came back.”

“I’m not sure all of me did.”

Maya bit her lip, choking back another sob, the confession so painful that she wanted to take it back, to bury it deep, to never see it again. Because now it was out in the open, a secret no longer a secret. Too exposing. Too vulnerable.

Too awful.

“You did,” Carina said, “It may not feel like it now, but you did.”

This time when the clouds gathered, Maya reached instead for Carina’s voice, for her guidance. Their bed. The two of them. Blue sheets and lamplight. The curve of Carina’s hip beneath her palm. The warmth of her breasts. Soft against her cheeks as she kissed Carina’s heartbeat.

Hayden knocked on the door moments later.

He was quiet as they walked back to Jamie’s room. Usually, Carina would fuss about his wet hair, but she said nothing, choosing instead to tuck her hand into the crook of his elbow.

Jamie was sleeping as they stepped in, a small figure curled onto her side. Someone had left a pile of Grey-Sloan sweatpants and hoodies for Maya and Carina and they took turns going to change in the nearby bathroom.

Maya wasn’t surprised when Katherine followed her. Her mother limped as she moved, her shoulders stooped in a way that made her look frail, older than her years.

“He’s gone, isn’t he?” Katherine asked, setting her hand on the bathroom counter once the door was firmly shut.

Maya felt a little awkward having this conversation while she was in the middle of disrobing. Not that there was any way to have this conversation without feeling awkward.

“Yes,” Maya said. She stepped out of her trousers and quickly pulled on a pair of sweatpants, frowning when she realized that they were too big despite being her size.

“Tell me, Maya.”

“He took Hayden from school.”

“I know that. What did…”

Maya grit her teeth, holding back anger.

This is your fault. If you’d just stepped in, stopped Dad. If you’d taken us away. If you’d done anything to help us, maybe…

Maybe…

“He tried to kidnap him,” Maya said, concentrating on her shirt buttons. She heard Katherine gasp, but didn’t look up. A second gasp came when Maya dropped the shirt on the floor, a gasp followed by a concerned whisper of her name.

The weight loss was pronounced. Maya barely took the time to brush her hair, let alone look at her body these days, but she could tell that some of her curves were sharper, her hips jutting in a way that Carina would find concerning.

Anger returned. It flared. Accusations and old hurts and in the middle of it, a child in need of a mother.

He made me this way. He broke me this way. And you let him. You followed his menus, his orders. You let me go hungry, go cold. How could you do that? How…

“Mom,” Maya sighed, zipping up her hoodie, hiding her protruding ribs. “It’s done, okay? The kids are fine. I’m fine. Mason is probably half-way back to Montana by now.”

“Maybe if I just talked to him he would…”

“He would what?” Maya snapped. “He would want to be a happy family again? Did you not hear me? He tried to kidnap my son. He showed up at school to intimidate Jamie because it gets him off. That’s who he is.”

Katherine blanched, pressing a hand to her chest.

“He hurts people,” Maya continued, unable to stop now that the words were falling out. “He tried to break my wrist and…he…he tried to hurt Carina.”

Her throat closed as more tears came, as they chocked her.

“He attacked her in your house,” Maya hissed, pointing at her mother. “You were home and he…he tried to…he…he triggered her so badly that she had nightmares, he reminded her of…”

She’d said too much. She’d said enough that Katherine’s eyes widened in understanding and Maya almost reached out, watching the devastation hit Katherine like a truck. Instead, Maya raised her arm, rolling back the sleeve. There was no way to protect Katherine from the truth. Protection would only lead to fantasy and danger and Katherine needed to know. She needed to understand that Mason was a lost cause. That there was no hope of reunion or amends.

“Maya,” Katherine whimpered, her gaze on the dotted bruises staining Maya’s skin. “I’m…I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Sweetheart.”

In truth, Maya was sick of Katherine’s apologies. Before Mason’s return, she’d mostly made peace with her mother. They’d forged a close bond, their relationship stronger and closer than it had ever been. But her head was a mess now. Dark and unfocused. Lane’s abuse had led them here. Katherine’s neglect had too. It wasn’t a purposeful neglect. Maya understood that Katherine had tried her best under impossible circumstances.

The truth couldn’t erase the facts. No matter how much nuance there was, how much grey space.

Maya and Mason had grown up with an abusive father and an absent mother.

“You can’t ever speak to him again,” Maya said, consciously keeping any hint of anger from her voice. “If he tries to call or he shows up, you need to tell me, so I can call the police.”

Katherine nodded, her jaw trembling.

“He’s a Nazi, Mom,” Maya continued. “He’s hate and spite and he’s dangerous. More dangerous than Lane. It’s him or it’s Jamie and Hayden. That’s the choice…nothing in between.”

“I understand,” Katherine whispered, bowing her head.

“Do you want me to see if they can bring an extra chair for you?”

Katherine shook her head. “No. I’d like to go home now.”

The last thing Maya wanted to do was leave the hospital, but she couldn’t let Katherine drive in her condition.

“Okay,” Maya said. “Let me just get my keys and…”

“No. I’ll call a Taxi.”

“Mom, it’s the middle of the night. Why don’t you just…”

“I’m not a child. I’m going home, Maya.”

The tone was short, final. It was a tone Maya had never heard from Katherine before.

“Okay,” Maya said, scratching the back of her neck. “Do you want to come say bye to the kids or…”

“No.”

Maya’s eyes widened, unsure what was happening. Katherine clenched her jaw and hitched her purse higher on her arm, clearly a woman seconds away from bolting. She looked at Maya with hard eyes, with thin lips.

“Can I at least walk you to the door?” Maya asked, struggling to know how to proceed. “Just until your taxi comes?”

Katherine’s nostrils flared, but she nodded and then turned, leaving Maya to follow behind.

Ten minutes later, Maya found herself alone on the sidewalk, watching her mother drive away. She carried her crumpled uniform under one arm, her hair was a stringy mess.

The world felt upside down.

Maya quietly walked through the lobby, hoping to avoid familiar faces. She didn’t have the energy to answer questions, nor did she want people to see her in such a state. The deputy chief of Seattle’s fire department, wandering around Grey-Sloan in a sweatsuit that hung off her body like it was two sizes too large. She kept her head down, her thoughts churning with worry, with indecision, but by the time she reached Jamie’s room, it was clear that she was completely ill-prepared to deal with her mother’s emotions. She didn’t know how to navigate this version of Katherine, she didn’t know what to say.

Maya knew what it was to be a mother to a son.

She couldn’t imagine any scenario where she would need to choose between her children. Where she would need to accept that in order to keep one of them in her life, she’d have to turn her back on the other. It was unfathomable. She also couldn’t imagine any scenario where her children would grow up to be such damaged adults. What would it feel like to lose a child to ideology? To pure, undistilled evil?

Maya paused, flipping through her phone for her Aunt Helen’s contact, and then sent a text – brief, but to the point.

Mason is gone. Mom is not okay. I don’t know what to do.

Asking for help still gave Maya mild nausea, but she reasoned that she was asking for help on behalf of Katherine – who also struggled to ask for help.

The lights were off in Jamie’s room, but the harsh hallway fluorescents and the numerous monitors made the space less than ideal for sleeping. Maya moved quietly as she set down her bundle of clothes and took stock.

Carina was in bed with Jamie, curled behind her and Hayden was lying in a cot nearby. The day began with a promotion and ended with her loves huddled together in a hospital room. Trying to untangle her feelings was starting to feel way above her paygrade. Instead, she moved closer to the gurney, adjusting the thin blankets over Jamie. She carefully moved Jamie’s arm, avoiding the IV port, wanting to ensure that it was covered too.

“Bambina?” Carina whispered, groggy.

Maya picked up an extra blanket from the foot of the bed and draped it over Carina’s body, all the way up to her shoulders. The room was so cold and Maya wanted her girls to be warm.

“Sleep, Babe, everything is okay,” Maya promised, stroking Carina’s hair.

Carina mewled a little, wiggling closer to Jamie. She hummed when Maya leaned over to press a kiss against her temple, the lift of her lips somehow healing and heartbreaking all at once. With her hand on Carina’s hip, Maya leaned over, placing a kiss on Jamie’s temple too, content for a moment to watch the steady rise and fall of Jamie’s breathing. Even under the blankets, Maya could tell how fiercely Carina held Jamie, she could read her wife’s fear and her exhaustion.

There were still a few extra blankets piled on the chair Maya planned to sleep in, so she reluctantly left the bed to pick them up. She expected to find Hayden asleep too, but despite how quiet he was and how still he was, Maya realized he was awake the second she took a step closer to his cot.

“Can’t sleep?” She whispered, her chest tight at the sight of her usually happy, confident son cowering beneath a thin sheet. He barely moved as she covered him up, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. Maya tucked the blanket against him and then sat next to his hip, a challenge on the thin bed.

“Can we lock the door?” He whispered, fidgeting with the blanket near his chest.

Maya sighed, wishing they were at home. He needed his bed, his familiar surroundings. He needed normalcy and the scent of their laundry detergent and as many cookies as he could eat.

“Sorry, Bam, we can’t,” Maya said, linking their fingers. “The nurses will need to check on Jamie a few times.”

He nodded, swallowing hard.

“Is it okay if I sit here with you?” Maya asked, squeezing his hand.

Hayden nodded again. He set their joined hands over his heart, his grip uncomfortably strong.

“You won’t go anywhere, right Mom?” His voice was so soft, almost strangled, and Maya could feel how quickly he was breathing.

“Not a chance, Baby Boy.”

“Mom?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m scared to close my eyes.”

Maya cupped his cheek, her fingers stroking into his hair. “He’s gone, Hayden. He can’t hurt us anymore.”

“But what if…what if we all fall asleep and he finds me again?”

She could tell him that his fears were unwarranted – about security guards and cops and the FBI. She could tell him one hundred times and it still wouldn’t work. Trauma didn’t listen to reason. Only time could truly convince Hayden that Mason was no longer a threat. So, Maya chose a different path. A path she took on the rare nights that Carina awoke shaking, triggered. Night when Carina was too afraid to go back to sleep.

“I’m going to stay up for a while,” Maya said, soothing. “You can sleep, Hayden. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

In the ensuing silence, Maya kept her vigil.

At least her children were asleep. At least her wife was asleep too.

But Maya was alone with her grief. She didn’t know how to process the fact that the brother she’d loved was dead, replaced by a living nightmare. His accusations still echoed in her ears, her sense of self so weakened that she still couldn’t forgive herself for…all of it.

Andrew was gone forever. Mason was now worse than a ghost. He’d already haunted Maya for over twenty years. She couldn’t imagine a future where she wouldn’t think about it. Where she wouldn’t be broken by this loss.

Instead, she listened to her conscience and she let her thoughts drift away from Mason, away from her clouds too. She let herself imagine her bedroom, she let herself imagine Carina in her arms. She stayed awake and imagined and survived the night.

Chapter Text

In Maya’s eyes, Diane Lewis looked much the same as she always had. Her braids were white now, but otherwise, there were few signs that she was close to retirement. Diane sat behind her desk, still wearing her standard SFD polo, and with a quirked eyebrow she stared at Maya, her pen hovering in the air.

Finally, after what felt like far too long, Diane exhaled and leaned back in her chair.

“Well shit,” she mumbled. “That’s a lot.”

Maya’s jaw dropped. “Well shit? Is that seriously your response?”

The familiar smirk returned. Apparently, Dr. Lewis still found Maya Bishop amusing.

“I’m just saying,” Diane explained, “you don’t do anything by half-measures. You never have.”

“Right. Because I chose for my little brother to come back and destroy my family.”

Diane’s lips turned down. She furrowed her brow, all humour gone. “Do you really believe that he destroyed your family.”

“No,” Maya sighed. “I guess not. Maybe.”

“Let’s start there. How are your kids holding up? You said it’s been two weeks since Mason tried to take Hayden?”

Maya nodded, suppressing a full body shudder. “They’re okay. Jamie is back at school now. Hayden is too, but he’s…quiet. And clingy.”

“How so?”

“He texts Carina and I almost non-stop. And he’s refusing to go to his after-school activities – usually he spends all of his free time with his friends or working on his art…now he just wants to be home.”

“That’s understandable given what he experienced.”

“For sure,” Maya said, glad she didn’t need to defend her son. “I wish I could fix this. Bring back his smile. He used to wake up laughing as a baby…he hasn’t laughed in a long time.”

Thinking about Hayden brought tears to Maya’s eyes. It was hard to see him so traumatized.

“Have you thought about therapy?” Diane asked.

“We took him to Jamie’s psychologist a few days ago. She said his anxiety will eventually pass, he just needs time to heal. He’s going to see her once a week for now.”

Diane hummed in agreement. “And what about Jamie?”

“She’s worried about her little brother, but she’s probably doing the best out of all of us. They finally found the right antibiotics and her energy is coming back. She was able to go to swim practice yesterday.”

“That’s great,” Diane smiled, exuding warmth. “How’s Carina?”

The tears came back, blinding her for a moment as she pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to calm.

“I messed up,” Maya confessed, “I pushed her away and now I don’t know how to get close to her again.”

“Is Carina putting walls up too?”

Maya shook her head. “She’s so strong, so loving. It’s me. I’m the one who created this…this distance.”

“How were things between you before Mason returned?”

The truth was sometimes deeply uncomfortable. Maya paused, her fingers subconsciously finding her wedding ring.

“Carina has been travelling a lot more lately,” Maya said. “And my promotion came with so many problems. We barely saw each other. I think part of me resented her absence a little, which isn’t fair. I missed her and I was overwhelmed and…I get why she wasn’t there, but…”

“You needed your wife,” Diane nodded. “Even if she had a good reason to be away, it doesn’t make you miss her or need her any less.”

“And then Mason managed to destroy years of therapy…”

Diane narrowed her eyes, clearly disliking Maya’s wording.

“He had me convinced that I’m a monster, that I don’t deserve my family,” Maya explained. “I didn’t want to hear Carina tell me he was wrong, I didn’t want her forgiveness or her comfort. So I kept her away…I kept myself away.”

“How do you feel about yourself now?”

Maya squirmed, grappling with the urge to lie. “My brother is a far-right lunatic. What kind of person would believe someone like that?”

“You tell me.”

“I don’t want to believe him. I’m trying really hard not to.”

“Is there anything Mason said that you think is true?” Diane asked.

Maya exhaled, her shoulders dropping. “I wasn’t a good sister. Carina said I can’t blame myself for what I did to survive because I was just a kid, but I can’t help it. If not for me, maybe Mason would’ve had a chance. Maybe my dad would’ve treated him better…I don’t know.”

“That’s a lot of maybe, Bishop.”

“My dad used to accuse Mason of being gay. When Mason found out that I’m bi, he…he said that I basically used him to hide my identity from my dad. That I let him take all the abuse to keep myself safe. And he’s right. I may not have consciously decided to do that, but he’s right.”

“What would’ve happened if your father discovered your bisexuality?”

Maya shuddered, the memory of her fear still so potent. “Disowned me. Called me names. It would’ve been bad.”

Bad was an understatement.

“You grew up in a house where being gay was not an option,” Diane said, setting her elbows on the desk. “You knew, even as a child, that being anything but straight would mean more abuse, punishment, possible homelessness. Do you realize how extraordinary it is that you rose above that, Maya? You didn’t internalize your father’s hate. You lived your truth. That takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage.”

“But Mason…”

“Your brother did the opposite. I know you think of him as kind and sensitive, as a person who was hurt so badly that he chose drugs, but you need to think about the concept of ‘choice.’ Why do we make the choices we make? Mason spent years on the street, years around artists – he very likely lived in close proximity to queer people. So why has he now chosen to side with some of the most virulently homophobic people on the planet?”

Maya lowered her head, frowning. “I don’t know. That’s what I’m struggling with. He was kind and sensitive. He was so much sweeter than I was. I was the selfish one. The cruel one.”

“Maybe. Or maybe that’s the way your father wanted you to see yourself.”  

“Does it matter? I’ve done awful things to people.”

“So have I. So has every person I’ve ever met. You’re not special, Bishop.”

Maya scoffed, wanting to argue back, but Diane was smirking again, that knowing, infuriating smirk.

“How is your mother?” Diane asked, which made Maya clench her jaw and curl her hands into fists. The gesture was not missed by Dr. Lewis who raised an eyebrow, clearly waiting.

“I don’t know. She’s with my Aunt Helen in Portland. The only reason I know that is because my aunt sent a text when her plane landed. I had no idea she was even planning to leave Seattle.”

“You’re mad.”

“No, I’m not. It’s fine.”

Dr. Lewis shook her head. “We’ve known each other too long for you to play that game with me, Maya. You called me. You’re here. Let’s not waste our time, okay? You’re mad at your mother.”

Twenty years ago, Maya would have stormed out of Diane’s office, furious that the psychologist could read her so easily. But Diane was right. Maya had made the call and there was no point in avoiding her feelings. She was hurting and she was scared and she needed help. If she wanted to be a good mother and a good wife and a good firefighter, this was the path.

“Yes,” Maya said, gritting her teeth. “I’m mad at my mother.”

“Because she didn’t realize that Mason was verbally assaulting you?”

“No,” Maya sneered, her fury boiling over, “because my brother tried to kidnap my son…he…he threatened my wife while my mother was ten feet away and…”

She stood, unable to hold back any longer. With a soft growl, Maya began pacing the room, back and forth in front of Diane’s desk, as close as she could get to running.

“Carina says that he didn’t touch her,” Maya continued, “but it’s all I can think about. All I can imagine. Whatever he did scared her so badly that she was triggered, she…she dreamed of the night she was…and…I get that it’s not fair to think this way, that I’m being irrational and this is all on my dad, but…what kind of mother raises a son like that? What kind of mother raises a son who abuses children? Who…who uses his body…his words…he basically threatened to rape my wife and…”

Maya pressed a hand to her mouth, forcing silence. Her mind felt so broken, so fragmented. She sunk back into the chair, closing her eyes as she tried to regulate her heartbeat and her breathing.

“Maya, are you sleeping?” Diane asked, direct, but kind.

The answer was all over Maya’s face. The purple beneath her eyes. The haggard, unkempt look she’d inadvertently adopted.

“No,” Maya whispered.

“Do you continue to have episodes of suicidal ideation?”

“Yes.”

“Would you say they are more frequent since Mason’s return?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have plans to actively hurt yourself?”

Maya blinked and crossed her arms. “Not really.”

“I’m going to need more than not really.”

“I don’t trust myself,” Maya confessed. “I don’t trust my mind. I thought I was stronger…but he broke me with barely any effort. I let him break me. And now I feel like I’m trapped, like my brain could betray me at any time and it’s terrifying.”

Diane put her pen down and considered Maya for a moment. She inhaled sharply, as if making a decision.

“I’m going to be blunt with you, Maya. Is that okay?” Diane asked.

Maya curled both hands around the chair’s armrests, feeling like she needed to hold on. Was Diane about to diagnose her with something awful? Was she about to 5150 her? Maya swallowed hard.

“You look terrible,” Diane said, which made Maya furrow her brow in surprise. “If we hadn’t just had this conversation, I would assume that you’re genuinely ill. When is the last time you saw your GP? I think we need to discuss adjusting your medication.”

It felt like Diane had just taken a spotlight and thrust it in her face. Maya bristled, straightening her back as she prepared to go on the defensive. Sure, Diane Lewis had seen her through some of the darkest moments of her life. But rational thought disappeared in an instant, replaced by the cold anger that was Maya’s birthright.

“I’m fine,” Maya growled, standing.

Diane shook her head, not willing to budge. “You’re not. I get that you’re exhausted and that things here have been a disaster. But if you don’t stop and take care of yourself, Bishop, you’re going to get hurt.”

“This was a mistake.”

She was light-headed from rising too quickly. Her back ached from too many days at her desk and her mind…

Maya knew deep down that Diane was right. She just didn’t have the time or energy to confront her demons today. They would win.

“I’m sorry for wasting your time,” Maya said, turning to the door.

There was a heavy sigh behind her, followed by the creek of a chair. “You need rest, Maya. You need to take a break.”

A break? The new chief was set to arrive in mere days and it was Maya’s job to make sure everything was prepared for a smooth transition of power. When she wasn’t at work, she busied herself with the kids, and running errands, and generally keeping herself preoccupied from the fact that her brother had tried to kidnap her son. The bruises around her wrist had faded. They were almost gone, though Maya could still make out the yellowish imprints of Mason’s hate. Sometimes she stood at the sink, scrubbing her skin, as if soap and water could erase the brand of his grip.

A break would mean slowing down. It would mean letting herself feel.

Maya didn’t have time to feel.

She stormed towards the elevator, self-conscious now about her appearance. There were a few odd stares as she walked by her new assistant’s desk, though Maya kept her head down, eyes forward. She had an overdue budget sheet waiting for her and she’d also promised Jamie that they’d get some driving practice in over the weekend, so Maya wanted to clear as much paperwork as she could. Her office was a mess, covered in empty coffee cups and pieces of her uniform that needed dry cleaning. As she circled her desk and sunk into her chair, Diane’s words echoed loudly. About breaks. Rest.

Rest.