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Chapter Text

The tragedy of Evan Buckley. Nothing was the same; that was what had started this current spiral for Buck. Blue eyes were hurting as they looked at images in boxes. The photos in question? Pictures of his life over the past 8 years, memories of the 118. The house that was just a number now to Buck. Or at least that was what he kept telling himself, so he didn’t fold. Leaving 118 was his choice. This was the time he took for vacation, and yes, that time he used? It was to move, to put distance between himself and the 118. To figure out what he wanted. It was to figure out what 2 weeks ago meant to him. The day Eddie decided was told to come back to Los Angeles. He was subletting, it was never supposed to be permanent, right? This was Eddie's home; maybe he was a guest in that house, perhaps he never really belonged there.

Eddie told Buck he could take his time finding a place. Did Buck listen to that? Of course not. He felt like he was drowning and needed to run as fast as he could away. What exactly was he running from? Well before, he would have said it was because Robert Wade Nash died, but now? Well, now it was because that puppy-dog-eyed man was about to be in the same state as him. 

Nothing felt right until he started looking further away. When he finally found himself moving towards Hawthorne, California. He found the perfect place to rent. Little did he know, Hawthorne was his fresh start. The firehouse he would end up at would be in his neighborhood. It was like fate was screaming at Buck. 

“So why did you leave your last place?” 

Buck looked at several apartments near the station, near Eddie’s. His realtor decided to take him to the other side of Los Angeles County, and that was when he found it. The apartment that could compete with Eddie’s house. It had all the requirements, like it was meant for Buck. 

House/Apartment Checklist:

• Multiple bedrooms 
• Multiple bathrooms 
• Kitchen with an island 
• Different color options, not just white. 
• A balcony/porch 
• Close to the gym with free weights 
• A pool for the summer
• A walk-in shower and a bathtub (1 for each bathroom)
• Close to a coffee shop 

“It wasn’t really mine, I was subletting.” 

Everything moved so fast. Buck took exactly 2 weeks to find this place. He hadn’t realized just how fast it would happen, but it was also a blessing because he knew he would fold if Eddie asked him to stay. 

Eddie wasn’t there when Buck got everything packed up. Eddie was driving back from Texas with Christopher. Chimney and Maddie had just had the baby, but here they were helping Buck pack up the U-Haul to drive across the greater Los Angeles area to his new home. To the apartment where everything would change. The apartment that Evan Buckley could have had a clean slate at. 

Chimney watched Buck, and Buck could feel it as he pushed the couch into the apartment. “What?” Buck asked. 

Chimney helped Buck set the couch up as Buck had explained before they went to bring it in, while Maddie was unpacking a box in the kitchen. “You are sure this is what you want?” Chimney asked him. 

“Which part? The part about moving out without Eddie being able to stop me? Or the leaving of the 118?” Buck asked him. They both stared at each other from opposite sides of the couch. 

“Both? You know you are my brother, right? I will always support you, but Buck, this feels… wrong,” Chimney admitted, his eyes were dark and focused. 

Buck nodded. “I know you are not supportive of my choice, but this is my choice and no one else's,” Buck told him. Buck stepped from the side of the couch. “I appreciate your honesty, but you don’t know what I feel daily. Now I understand that I am easy to leave behind,” Buck told him honestly. Maddie had stepped out of the kitchen. 

“Buck, that’s not true. You know if Bobby had a choice…” Maddie said softly.

“I know. I don’t blame Chimney or Bobby; it just happened. I can’t be there because I see the family we used to be everywhere I look.” Buck told them. He sat on the couch. “And with Eddie back.. I can’t be normal around him. I know he had to leave, but he only stayed because of you .” Buck spoke sadly, looking at Chimney now. 

Both Maddie and Chimney shared a look. Buck could see them in the corner of his eye. Maddie stepped forward. “If you need space, we completely understand. I think Chimney is saying that he misses you on his team. He wants to make sure that you are okay, we both do.” Maddie said. She sat next to him on the couch and touched his shoulder. “I got your back always,” Maddie told her brother. She held her pinky up. “United front?” She asked. 

Buck took her pinky and pulled it close between them. “United front,” Buck said. The one thing he could always count on? The Buckley sibling bond.  

Buck walked them out a short while later. He looked around his packed apartment. 

A new text from Eddie:

Eddie: We just hit Los Angeles. See you soon. 

Buck stared at the message. He closed his phone and laid on the couch. Buck needed to prepare before Eddie got back to the house. He knew that Eddie would freak out when he walked in. 

About 30 minutes later, Eddie started calling Buck. 

After another 5 minutes, Eddie called again. 

Then again, 10 minutes later, Eddie’s ringtone filled the empty space. 

Eddie left a voicemail:

“Hey, Buck? All your stuff is gone. You are gone. Please just let me know you are okay. I need to know you are okay. Are you with Maddie? I’ll call her in 10 if you don’t call me back. Just let me know you are okay, please. I’m worried, and Ravi said you didn’t go to the gym with him today. Okay, I’ll try Mads in 10. Bye.” 

Buck listened to Eddie’s voicemail, which was painful, but he couldn’t do that to Maddie. 

Buck pulled the phone to his ear. Eddie answered on the first ring. 

“Where are you?” Eddie asked. 

Buck laid there and closed his eyes. “At my new place…” 

“Your new place? Buck, what the hell?” 

“I didn’t want to be in the way. You are still fixing your relationship with Christopher. I’m okay. I’m tired from moving my stuff. I’ll text you tomorrow.” 

“Buck—” 

Buck hung up before Eddie could say anything else. Buck got up. He went to make his bed to crash because he needed it after his emotional day. 

New text from Eddie: 

Eddie: Buck, you turned off your location, too? What the hell. What is going on? I’m worried. Is this about Bobby? 

Eddie: You are leaving me on read again? I never double-text. Did I do something? 

Buck: You didn’t do anything. I just need some time. 

Buck: Hug Chris for me. :)

With that, Buck puts his phone on sleep mode so Eddie can only contact him if it is a true emergency. 

Eddie had moved back from El Paso. Buck never thought Eddie would return; that may be why his transfer slip went through. It could be because Buck had the temporary Captain at the 118 put the transfer through to the floater pool until he could get an open spot. 

The last shift at the 118 was when the building collapsed. Buck decided not to return to the 118, even though Chimney forbade Buck and Eddie from leaving. The only thing was that day, everything felt like a brick slammed into his heart. Eddie saved him. Eddie came back because the 118 was in danger, and it was one last rescue, right? But why did it feel like this? It was too hard for Buck to walk back into that firehouse, even now. 

“No, I knew you wouldn’t be.. You would make it all about you.”

Buck was only there long enough to clear out his locker. Buck had to remind himself of that at least five times before he finally got the nerve to get out of the truck. 

Buck had his back to the firehouse and could hear Eddie and Hen studying upstairs for Eddie’s test tomorrow. Eddie was currently taking his certification to become a paramedic. Eddie had decided to take Chimney’s spot on the ambulance permanently. His training as an army medic paid off somehow, but Buck didn’t really listen to that. All he had told him that day was that he was happy for Eddie. Yeah, happy..

“Buck?” Ravi said as Buck was wearing a cutoff tank top, some black joggers, and his tennis shoes, coming from the gym. Buck was back in the floater pool, and tomorrow was his first day, so he needed his stuff to work. 

“Hey, Rav,” Buck said as he turned to ensure no one else was there. Buck was putting his locker contents into a paper box he had grabbed from one of the offices. “Can you not tell anyone I was here?” Buck said softly. 

Ravi leaned against the locker next to Buck. “You still going with the transfer?” Ravi asked. Buck knew Ravi was upset about being left behind, but Buck had promised he would still be there for him, just not at the 118. 

“Yeah, I am. I start floating tomorrow until I…” Buck stopped as he heard Eddie’s feet behind them. Eddie had a distinct sound as he walked. 

“The trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley, a tragedy in 97 acts.”

“First, you pack up at the house and don’t tell me, and now you just sneak in here and hope no one sees you?” Eddie asked, hurt. Buck felt himself tense up at the pain he caused his best friend. 

“It’s tragic, isn’t it? I can’t even face the people who matter to me,” Buck told him. He turned to look at Eddie. 

Eddie was leaning against the door frame, and Ravi started to walk out. “No, you stay,” Eddie said sternly as he looked at Ravi. 

Ravi looked between them and didn’t know what to do. He leaned back against the locker. Buck let out a frustrated sigh. “What, now?” Buck asked angrily. 

“You think that no one wants to say goodbye? You just left the group chat like it was nothing. You gave your transfer request to the interim Captain after Gerrard left, like it was nothing. No one knows how to talk to you, Buck. You just cut everyone off.” Eddie said. But Buck didn’t cut everyone off, no, he just started talking less, he just hoped no one noticed, but of course Eddie did. Eddie always noticed when Buck self-isolated. 

Buck turned back to his locker and felt Eddie’s hand on his shoulder from behind. Everything in him wanted to crawl inside the locker before him. Buck just wanted to disappear. 

“You’ve been spiraling since the funeral, and no one knows how to talk to you about it.”

“Eddie, stop. I told you I needed a fresh start. Why can’t you just let me be?” Buck asked sadly. His blue eyes fixed on the last few items. He pulled the picture of Chris, Eddie, and Buck at the Zoo a few years back and put it in the box. Then he grabbed that photo of himself and Bobby. This house don’t feel like home.  

“Yeah, a fresh start. I haven’t seen you in a week, and the first time I do, is it here after your time off? Packing for your floating shifts?” Eddie asked, annoyance in his voice. Eddie finally pulled Buck back to turn and look at Ravi and himself. “We miss you, Buck. Not just I, but Chris and Ravi miss you too. Right, Ravi?” Eddie asked. 

Ravi nodded. “Yeah, man. The truck isn’t the same without you telling us random facts.” Ravi told him, trying to help. 

Eddie nodded. “I am worried about you, Buck. You don’t just run from your problems.” Eddie said. 

Buck looked at him. “No, I am just the one always being left behind,” Buck said sadly. He grabbed the box and looked between them. “I know that’s not fair. I gotta go.” Buck said. He walked off and left the two staring after him. 

After walking outside, Buck placed the box in the backseat of his truck. Buck turned to look back at the 118. His heart was heavy as he was finally leaving the past 8 years behind him. The pain wasn’t the only memory he would hold onto from there. But he knew if he wanted a fresh start, it wasn’t at the 118. Buck needed to know what else was out there. Buck walked around to the driver's side, and he slid inside. Eddie was standing at the end of the station entrance, staring. 

Part of Buck wanted to get out and comfort Eddie, but he knew he didn’t deserve to comfort Eddie anymore. Instead, he backed out of the spot and left the 118 and Eddie behind. 

(Flashback to the day of the building collapse)

Sitting on the couch at Eddie’s and Chris’s going-away party. Buck looked miserable. Bobby was gone. Eddie was going back to El Paso like it didn’t mean anything. At least, that was what Buck thought.  

“I put in for a transfer. “ Buck said with a sad smile. Chimney and Eddie looked at Buck.  

“Out of the 118?” Eddie asked, and Buck was pretty sure that he didn’t believe Buck would leave their family. 

Buck shook his head as he looked at Eddie to gauge his reaction. “It’s just a number now,” Buck said, his eyes on Eddie’s just for a moment before he looked down. 

**

Hours later, Buck and Ravi were trapped in the middle of the building with a patient. They climbed up to a balcony area. Their original plan of exiting was blocked by the building shifting. Buck, Ravi, and the patient climbed up. Buck looked around for an exit strategy as the senior member on the balcony, but they didn’t have a good escape route planned. 

Captain Gerrard came over the radio, sounding worried or mad. No one could ever tell with him. “Buckley! Panikkar! Where are you?” Gerrard said into the radio. 

“Bravo wall!” Buck says into the radio. Buck sees him and raises his axe as he speaks into the radio, “Look up”. 

Captain Gerrard looked at Buck. “You can’t go back the way you came?” He asked. 

“No.” Buck turned and looked back. “Ceiling came down, and we lost our anchor point.” Another shift and explosion happened. Ravi, the patient, and Buck ducked down. 

While Buck talked to Gerrard, Ravi checked on the patient and ensured he was okay. “Cap! It’s really unstable up here.” Buck said into the radio, panic present in his voice. 

“Yeah, it's raining concrete down here, too. I’m calling for more USAR.” Captain Gerrard told him on the radio that Buck couldn’t see him from his point of view. 

Another shift, Buck, Ravi, and the patient ducked from debris falling on their heads. “Hey, Cap, any update down there?” Buck asked into the radio. 

“I don’t know about down there, but I have an update up here.” Eddie’s voice came over the radio. 

Buck turns and looks at Ravi in shock. Ravi is mirroring almost the same look of shock. “Eddie?” Ravi said into the radio. 

“Eh, I was watching the news. Has a bit of FOMO..” Eddie said into the radio. 

Buck grabbed his radio and looked around. “Uh, where are you?” Buck asked. 

Eddie pressed his radio, “Right in front of you.” Buck looked up as he saw him. “Parking garage across the street.” Eddie is looking at Buck, and Buck is looking at him, smiling slightly despite the situation. “It was gonna take too long to get the ladder up there, so I grabbed the line gun off the rig,” Eddie explained into his radio. 

The patient looked at them. “He’s got a gun?” He asked. 

Ravi shook his head. “A line gun.” He explained as if the patient would know what that was.  

Buck looked at them both. “Yeah, we, uh, we better get down,” Buck told them, and all three ducked behind the balcony wall. 

Once the coast was clear, Eddie shot the line rig, and once Buck got it, he tied it off to make the line to escape. Then each of them made their escape from the building. The patient first, then it was Ravi, and finally, Buck. Buck barely made it off the ledge as concrete rained down behind him. Buck’s eyes stayed on Eddie’s the whole time. 

Eddie even helped stop him from hitting the vehicle. Their eyes stayed on each other until Ravi interrupted them. Eddie's eyes finally moved as Ravi hugged Eddie. Buck couldn’t believe that Eddie was there. Buck probably looked like Eddie put all the stars in the sky at that moment. Buck was detached from the rig as he watched Eddie and Ravi talk. Buck told him, “That was all you.” Buck told Eddie that when he tried to give credit for something, Buck would do.  

Buck had kept staring at his best friend in awe the whole time. If Eddie returned, Buck knew he was in trouble because of things like that? They made his heart swell, and he couldn’t have that. 

**

After the rescue, they were back at the house like it was supposed to be. Chimney was angry, and Buck didn’t blame him one bit. The only thing was that Chimney didn’t know that Buck wasn’t going to listen until later. Chimney watched as Gerrard finished his debrief and walked away. 

Eddie shifted his turnout coat in his arm as he pulled his phone from his turnout pants pocket. Chimney’s attention turned to Eddie, who pulled his phone out. Eddie sighed and pulled up flights on his phone so he and Christopher could return to El Paso before tomorrow's training. “What are you doing?” Chimney asked Eddie. 

Eddie doesn’t look up from his phone. He is actively searching for flights. “Just looking for flights for me and Christopher, for a redeye, still got to be in El Paso at 7:00 AM..” Eddie said, looking back up as everyone threw their dirty turnouts in the bin. “I guess 6.. They are an hour ahead.” He looked back at his phone. 

Chimney looked at him. “Eddie, wait.” He then looked up. “Ravi, hold up!” Chimney said louder and looked around. “Everybody, just stop!” Chimney steps forward and snatches Eddie’s phone, “Especially you.” 

Eddie looked at him and reached towards  Chimney. “Hey,” Eddie said as he turned to look at Chimney fully now, their eyes meeting. 

“You are not getting on any redeye,” Chimney told Eddie, staring directly at him. Chimney is fed up with all of them, especially Buck and Eddie, for being stubborn. 

Buck looked confused, and Hen was beside him with a similar expression. “He’s not?” Buck asked in disbelief. ‘ Was it really that easy?’

Chimney looked at Buck. “No! And nobody’s transferring out,” Chimney said. Then he turned his attention to the brunette next to Buck. “And nobody’s staying in Texas,” Chimney told him. 

Eddie wanted to say something, but his mouth was open, and then he stopped. Buck could feel Eddie’s shifting near him. 

Chimney looked around the 118. “This is our firehouse,” Chimney said, using his hands to get his point across as he addressed their family. “This is the 118, and it’s not just a number ! It’s us .” He turned and looked at Buck, their eyes meeting. “And you’re right, Buck. Things are never going to be the same again.” Chiney told Buck with tears in his eyes as he leaned in closer to Buck. “Because Cap is gone.” Chimney took in some shaky breaths. “But leaving won't change that.” 

Chimney turned his attention back to everyone again. “It won’t make you feel any less sad.” He blinked back tears as he stood there. “It just means that you’ll be sad all alone . Bobby died so I could live…” Chimney continued, but Buck kinda zoned out at that point.

‘No one was leaving. No one was transferring. Don’t cry. Don’t look at Eddie. Don’t let them see the sadness. You have to be strong for Bobby. You have to fulfil your promise to Bobby, then you can leave. You’ll be okay, Kid. I love you. Why didn’t I say it back? Why didn’t I try harder to get to Cap?  Bobby was gone. Bobby died.’ Those were the thoughts echoing in his head. But somehow, Buck didn’t listen. 

(End Flashback)

After Buck left the 118, things were different. He floated to different houses until he found the station for him. 

First, he was at the 133. He knew a couple of people there and was working with Captain Reed, whom he had known from a fire a while back. The calls were mainly related to the pier. 

Text message thread with Chris: 

Chris: Hi Buck! Can we get pizza soon? 

Buck: Yeah! Wanna go on Friday? I am off. 

Chris: Dad works. Can it be just us?

Buck: You know that’s completely okay. Just let your dad know. 

Friday comes around, and Chris and Buck go out for Pizza. Pizza then turned into arcades, and then Chris catches Buck up with the girl he likes from a party he went to at his friend’s house. They spend a few hours together before Buck takes Chris to the house. The two fall asleep watching a movie. 

Buck wakes up on the couch when the door opens. Eddie is looking at Buck on his couch. Buck sits up and rubs his face. “What time is it?” Buck asked quietly. 

Eddie looked at Buck. “It’s almost 9. You don’t have a shift today?” Eddie asked Buck. 

Buck sits up completely on the couch. He shook his head. “No, tomorrow. I fell asleep on the couch. We were having a Marvel movie marathon. Where’s Chris?” Buck asked and looked around. 

Chris walked out of his room. “Do we get pancakes?” Chris asked Buck. 

Buck looked at Eddie and nodded. “Yeah, I can make breakfast before I gotta meet up with Ravi,” Buck said. 

Buck stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed everything he needed. Eddie walked in and leaned against the counter. “So?” Eddie said. 

Buck looked up as flour poured into the bowl in a cloud of dust before them. “So?” Buck said. 

Eddie laughed and rolled his eyes. “Are you still giving me space or whatever you call it?” Eddie asked. 

Buck looked at him. “Is that what you think is happening?” Buck asked him. 

Eddie let out a frustrated sigh. “Stop answering me with more questions. You are avoiding the problem again.” Eddie told him. 

Buck just stared momentarily before he started whisking everything in the bowl. “You mean, am I still letting you mend things with Christopher?” Buck asked. 

Eddie nodded his head. 

Buck smiled at him. “I would hope that is what is happening with me, not being here anymore. But that is really all you and Chris,” Buck said. 

Eddie laughed. “You are ridiculous, you know that?” Eddie said with a smile. He snuck a handful of chocolate chips from the bag. 

“HEY! Those are for the pancakes you thief!” Buck said with a laugh. For a moment, Buck forgot why he didn’t want Eddie being around as much. 

Grief was a funny thing. One moment, you were self-isolating, the next? You were staring at the man who made your heart feel whole. 

Eddie ran around the other side of the kitchen table and was eating them before Buck could steal them back. “Noooo,” Eddie said with a laugh as he tried to hide from him. Buck had a spoon in his hand. 

“Bad Edmundo Diaz!” Buck said with a laugh. He caught up to Eddie and then stole one from his hand and popped it into his mouth. 

Buck turned the stovetop on and found a pan. He started cooking up the pancakes. Eddie was sitting up on the counter next to him. “I missed you, Buck,” Eddie admitted as he watched him. 

Buck looked over at Eddie. The sadness betrayed him in that moment. He nodded. “Me too.” He mumbled. 

“Chris, pancakes!” Buck called as he put the stack on the table in the dining area. 

The three sat down together. It was like old times. The Diaz house was full of life. That moment was enough of a happy thought for Buck right now. 

Then he was at the 217 for one shift, by some miracle, he didn’t run into Tommy. He was sure fate was on his side that day. 

Buck was sitting in the lounge in the harbour station. He felt his phone vibrate and pulled it out. 

Eddie: How is floating around? Find anything fun or odd?

Buck: I’m 217. I about shit my pants thinking he’d be here. 

Eddie: HAHAHAHA. 

Buck: Dick. 😣

As he was leaving the station, he saw Tommy, but he was able to hide. That was close. 

Then two days later, Buck ends up back at the 118 for one shift. Honestly, Buck could kill Chimney for even thinking this was funny. 

“Why?” Buck asked Captain Chimney as he walked into the Captain’s office. “How could you do this to me?” Buck asked. 

Chimney looked up at his brother-in-law. “I told you not to transfer. Not my problem if you are floating and you just happen to get assigned to my station,” Chimney said smugly. 

Eddie stood outside the office, and Buck saw his reflection in the window. Buck sighed and decided to walk back out of the Captain’s office. 

“You are back?” Eddie asked with hope in his eyes. 

“No.” Buck avoided eyes as he spoke. “I am just here to cover one shift, apparently.” 

“Oh,” Eddie said, defeated. 

Buck walked into the kitchen and went to help Ravi cook breakfast for the team. 

“You know that was the happiest I’ve seen him in a week, and now he looks like you kicked a puppy,” Ravi told him. The only thing was that Ravi didn’t know about the pancake incident two days ago. 

Buck looked at him. “What do you mean?” Buck asked. 

“He isn’t the same since you left. It’s like watching you after Eddie left for Texas all over again,” Ravi told him. Ravi handed Buck the mix for the pancakes. 

Buck started to measure everything to make the pancakes and even added chocolate chips like he used to. “He misses me? We still text…” Buck said softly. Buck was staring at Eddie. “And I hung out with Chris the other day.. We had breakfast before the gym yesterday…” Buck couldn’t believe Eddie even cared that much to show his sadness at the station. 

Ravi looked up at Buck, then to where Eddie was staring from the couch. “Of course, he misses you. You guys are Buck and Eddie, you guys are so codependent on each other, it’s ridiculous.” Ravi told him. Buck turned to look at him. “And Buck, it's good to have you back, even if it's just one shift. Just talk to him.” He told him. 

Buck stirred the batter. His eyes were on Eddie’s as they met across the room. It was like the day of the building collapse. Everything came slamming into his chest like a train. “I’ll try to talk to him,” Buck mumbled. 

Buck fried up the pancakes and felt a hand touch the small of his back. The smell of aftershave hit him like a truck. Ravi had left the general area to use the bathroom; Buck was sure it was so that Eddie and Buck could be alone. 

“Will you talk to me?” Eddie asked as he leaned forward, and Buck was flipping the pancakes. 

“Hey… what did you wanna talk about?” Buck asked. He flipped another pancake on the griddle. Buck could feel Eddie’s fingers staying a little too long and making that feeling in his gut flip over and over like the pancakes. 

Eddie’s fingers pulled back as he sat on the counter beside the griddle. “Well…. Yesterday was nice, but I just miss hanging around. Things haven’t been the same since I left for Texas, as much as I want to just put those pieces back….” Eddie said honestly. Brown eyes locked on Buck’s for a moment. Eddie swallowed so as not to share everything. “And I just miss my best friend.. Plus, who’s going to save Chris from my bad food?” Eddie admitted sadly. 

Buck wanted to kill Chimney again. Those puppy eyes were tearing at the walls; he could finally start putting up. It was a tragedy to be back in Eddie’s space. “Oh.. Sorry, I've just been unpacking and traveling all over, floating is no joke,” Buck admitted to him. 

The frown that appeared on Eddie’s face tore at Buck’s heart. Eddie did not deserve to feel the same sadness that Buck was feeling. Bobby was gone, and Eddie was only back because he was told he shouldn’t be in Texas. Not because Buck asked him, no, that would have been selfish, and he knew it. 

Eddie sighed after a minute and hopped off the counter. “Yeah, unpacking when you didn’t even…. Have to leave, Evan.” Eddie said before leaving Buck in the empty kitchen in the firehouse again. The way Eddie had just said his first name tore at Buck’s heart. Buck squinted so he didn’t cry. 

Buck was sure Eddie was angry at him, but he wasn’t actually. Eddie invited him over after the shift, and the two hung out. 

Eddie handed Buck a beer as they sat on the couch. The house set back up like it had never been a house where Buck had lived for months. Chris was in his room playing a video game, and the two were sitting watching The Bear on the TV. Occasionally, they would talk about things. 

“Are you going to have a housewarming at your new place?” Eddie asked. Eddie was looking at Buck, and he could see it in the corner of his eyes. 

“Oh, probably not. It’s so far from the station, I don’t think anyone would wanna come see it.” Buck told him softly. Buck sipped his beer. 

“Are you going to keep it a secret forever?” Eddie asked him, and Buck could hear the tone, meaning he was digging for information 

Buck hadn’t even realized that he had been keeping it a secret from everyone. Only Chimney and Maddie knew where he lived. Maybe there was a reason for that. “Oh well, it's barely lived in right now,  you know. Not even nearly as set up as the loft was.” Buck said. 

That was the end of the conversation about the apartment. 

A few hours later, Buck was driving the 40 minutes in traffic to his new apartment.

Once at home, Buck dropped his bag by the door. Everything was unpacked; he had lied to Eddie. Why was he being so secretive about this? Was it easier just to cut that part of his life off? Maybe . 

Day one at the 162: A 24-hour shift:

Then he was placed at 162. Hawthorne’s 162 was interesting because they had an LGBTQIA+ flag next to the American flag for Pride month. That made Buck smile as he walked inside. They had someone retiring, and it was interesting. The Captain was like a breath of fresh air, and she saw something in Buck. 

Buck was starting to feel at home. The house was very queer friendly and Buck never thought he would find so many people who were just like him. The first shift was good. He learned more about the core team he could be with, if the Captain decided he was a good fit for their house. 

The team was a mix of people from different backgrounds: 

Captain Shay Maxwell: A veteran of the house. She had been there for over twenty years. She is 52 years old. She is certified in paramedicine. She has been Captain for the past 5 years. She is 5 feet 8 inches tall, 175 lbs, has a tan complexion, dark short hair, and has been married to Ashley’s biological mother for the past 15 years. She adopted Ashley when she was 16 years old. 

Paramedic Ashley Maxwell: She was 31, had hazel eyes, and had long blonde hair that she would braid. She was about 5 feet 11 inches, about 190 lbs of muscle, he was sure. She was bisexual and confident. She was very dominant in her personality and instantly gravitated to Buck. She is funny and likes making him squirm with her bluntness. She is the adopted daughter of the Captain. 

Paramedic Stella Taylor: She is 35, straight, and adventurous. She is 5 feet 7 inches, about 160 lbs. She has dark hair that she usually wears in a ponytail or a bun. She is shy around the house, but on the scene, she will take charge with patients. She is shut off a bit towards Buck, but only because she takes a while to trust new people. 

Firefighter Rico Fernandez: A former Navy SEAL who has been a firefighter for 10 years. He has been at 162 for the past 2 years. He is 45 years old, 240 lbs, and 6 feet tall. He is a gay man who has been out since his 20s. He is Captain Maxwell’s right hand and is mentoring Buck on the engine. 

Firefighter Briana Pierce: She is 26 and a probationary firefighter. She is bisexual and very flirty at times. She is 5 feet 6 inches, about 140 lbs. She has auburn hair and green eyes, sometimes almost dark green. She is neurodivergent and can misread social cues. 

Firefighter Jay Garcia: He has been bisexual since he was a teen. He is 28 years old, 5 feet 10 inches tall, and 230 lbs. He is muscular and flirts with anyone who looks in his direction. He is a lot like a younger Buck. He has tattoos, a few piercings, and loves to make Buck blush. 

Day two at 162, 2 days later:  

Buck enjoyed his time with the house so far, and Ashley would talk between calls. She would have him spot her while she was working out. 

“Are you liking it here so far?” Ashley asked as she was lifting weights with Buck. He was helping her put the bench press back on the stand. 

“Yeah, I mean you guys make me feel a little more comfortable here,” Buck told her. He handed her the water bottle so she could hydrate. They naturally gravitated to another. The two instantly talked, like Buck had found something he was missing—a friend in a dark place. 

“Buck?” Ashley asked him with a smile. 

“Yeah?” Buck asked with his blue eyes, focusing on her hazel eyes. He swore every time he looked in those eyes, they reminded him of Eddie. 

“You look so sad sometimes. If you need someone to talk to about things, I’m here.” Ashley told him. 

Buck appreciated that. For once, he felt like he might be okay. No one knew his past here. No one knew he was a mess, and he could put his mask on here. “Thanks, Ash. That means a lot.” Buck said. 

Ashley nodded and stood up. “Okay, boy. Your turn.” She told him. They changed places, and Buck laid on the bench. 

He laughed as he pulled the bar down. “How do you lift this much?!” He asked. He breathed out. He pushed the bar back up. He did this for eight reps. 

Ashley grabbed the bar to help him put it back on the stand. Buck smiled at her. “You know, you could be a good fit here if you actually open up?” Ashley said. 

Buck smiled. “I’ll take that into account,” Buck told her. 

The two of them went to shower and then did their own thing. 

Day three at 162, 2 days after day two. 

Buck was sitting in the lounge in the station house. He felt the vibration from his phone. 

Eddie: Hey man, hope the new house is treating you well. You are missed. 

Buck: Hey! Yeah, it’s great. It’s only my 3rd day here. They are all great here. 

Buck: How are the classes going for your certificate?

Buck double-texted, and he never tried to do that. But he also wanted Eddie to know he was still there, even if he wasn’t physically. 

Eddie: 3rd day? I thought you were still floating around? Chim and Hen are drilling me with flash cards ALL THE TIME. 

Buck didn’t answer, not right away. Buck and the team had to find a missing child in the park nearby. Oh yeah, the calls in Hawthorne? They were nothing like the 118.  

After they returned from a call, Ashley and Buck went up the stairs to the lounge. The firehouse was a lot like the 118’s but slightly different. Everyone would come together for meals, but no one hung out in the kitchen or lounge. 

Buck started dinner while they were there. He had lasagna in the oven after he finished the prep before the call. 

“Is everyone here, like not straight?” Buck asked Ashley quietly. He was curious as he had never been around this many people who were in the LGBTQIA+ community before. At least he assumed that. 

Ashley laughed. “The straight guy is wondering if he is not with his kind?” She asked as she sat on the couch. 

Wait, she thinks I’m straight?  Buck thought. 

Buck and Ashley were on the couch together. Buck was listening to her talk about a bar she wanted to go to. 

“West Hollywood has all these cool places in a row. You can go to a nightclub and then like four different drag shows the same night.” Ashley told him. 

“That sounds like fun. You should drag me out with you sometime. I haven’t been to anything like that in a while.” Buck told her. 

“Wait, so you like men and women?” Ashley asked him. They were sitting on the couch. Their legs touched as Ashley sat with one leg up against his side and the other hanging off the couch. 

“Yeah, I told you I dated someone from the harbor for a bit, a guy, but most of my history is with women,” Buck told her. 

Ashley’s mouth hung open for a minute. “You never said the pronouns about your ex.” She said to him. 

Buck laughed. “I’m not straight, Ash,” Buck told her, amused. 

Ashley stared at him. “So wait, you didn’t say you were bisexual, though?” Ashley told him. 

Buck rubbed the back of his neck. “I never really labeled myself,  I guess? My ex kinda was uncomfortable with my being attracted to both.” He told her.

Ashley made a face. “Biphobic?” She asked him. 

Buck probably looked uncomfortable talking about Tommy with her, but he was indulging her curiosity. “He wasn’t that bad at first. It just came later on.” Buck told him. 

“So… wait, he wasn’t bad at first? That sounds even worse. What an asshat.” Ashley told him. Buck could tell she didn’t like the story yet. 

“Wait, let me start over. Okay,  he came out later in life as gay. So I think he naturally assumed I was gay, but I would still sometimes talk to women.” Buck told her. 

Ashley looked at him. “But still, he’s trying to erase your bisexuality, and that isn’t okay, Buck. You get that right?” She asked him honestly. Ashley moved, so she was sitting higher. 

Buck touched her leg as it brushed his thigh again. “No, I get what you are saying. We broke up because he was my first, but not my last. He also thought he was in a competition with my straight best friend.” Buck said to her. 

Ashley’s eyes were the same color as Eddie’s, they were this pretty hazel that sometimes almost looked green. She was staring into Buck’s eyes. “Wait? Did he really break up with you because of your friendship with a guy?” Ashley asked. 

Buck laughed a little. “I didn’t realize that the two were related until right now,” Buck told her. He tilted his head. 

“Well, did he tell you both of those things at the same time?” She asked him curiously. 

“No. So he broke up with me, then after my best friend moved away, he said the competition thing.” Buck told her. 

Ashley sat up again. “Okay, I need more.” She told him. 

Buck laughed as he shifted a little on the couch. “Well, after Ed.. I mean, my best friend left. I was hanging out with my other friend. We were drinking, and he kinda ditched me with my ex. So my ex and I ended up hooking up at my best friend’s house, which I was subletting. The next morning, we were talking about getting back together…” Buck told her, and then he breathed out. “And he was like, well, I’m not afraid of getting hurt now that the competition is out of the way,” Buck told her. 

She gasped and then laughed. “He called this man his competition? Was the competition in his head?” She asked with a smile. 

“Well, I might have been a little mean about it after,” Buck muttered. 

“What did you say?” She asked as she sat up. Both legs were leaning against Buck. 

Buck’s face showed guilt. “I don’t have to have feelings for everyone I sleep with, and I don’t have to sleep with everyone I have feelings for?” Buck told her. 

Ashley gasped. “Wait, so you have feelings for the straight friend?” She asked. She was touching his leg now. 

Buck went to open his mouth, but then the alarm went off. The two got up from their spots. “This isn’t over, Buckley!” She yelled before she grabbed her gear and climbed into the passenger seat of the ambulance with Stella. 

Buck laughed as he grabbed his gear and climbed into the 162 ladder truck to go on their call. This time, it was a fire in an apartment complex. Buck needed this distraction if he was going to tell Ashley everything. Buck pulled his phone out as they went to the next call. 

Buck opened his thread with Eddie on his phone. He knew what to do now, but it would take time. 

Buck: Yeah, I found a house that needs a firefighter. Someone just retired. Hope you have a good time studying. 👏

And Buck knew he had to keep this to himself. Eddie couldn’t know where he was. It would make everything easier if he could just get over it. Plus, Ashley was a good distraction from his best friend. Eddie and everyone would move on eventually. 

Buck texted Chimney, pulling Chim into this was not fair, but he was the only one who could know everything, and Buck hoped he’d keep his mouth shut for once.  

Buck: Don’t tell Eddie which house I am at or my new address. I’ll explain at family dinner. 

And with that, Buck was fading into the back. The 118 was just a number now. 

Chapter Text

Could your life really turn into a telenovela? At least that was what Edmundo Diaz was thinking. What would his telenovela be called? The Tragedy of Edmundo Diaz, Act III: The Gay Disaster. Starring Eddie Diaz as a struggling not out gay man, tragically stumbling his way through grief again, catholic guilt, and fear of another person walking out of his life. 

Where were the first two acts? 

Act I: Growing up Catholic 

One would think that growing up Catholic wasn’t too bad, but Eddie struggled with the mindset his parents tried to drill into the heads of Edmundo, Adriana, and Sophia. Eddie found himself constantly thinking about what it meant to be a man.

Act II: Starting a Family Young  

Eddie got his high school girlfriend pregnant, and they had Christopher at 19, and he was the biggest blessing in his life.  This is not what his current struggle is, at least Eddie is sure it isn’t. 

No, it’s the big Gay thing. He is a mess. A mess who is struggling his way through a newfound sexuality with only a handful of people knowing that he is gay . 

Act III: The Gay Disaster 

This all started weeks ago, when Buck had muttered words about leaving the 118. Eddie wasn’t coming back, so why would he stay? Buck had never asked Eddie to stay. Buck had kept himself locked up and barely let anyone see his grief. Eddie was sure he didn’t ask because he didn’t want another person to disappoint him. Eddie never wanted to disappoint Buck, but this had been about Christopher. Until Christopher was also on board to come back. El Paso really did suck. 

There was one problem with coming back, Buck. Buck didn’t want to be at the 118. Eddie wanted to fix this. Eddie could almost always fix everything when it came to Evan Buckley. Sometimes that came in the form of tough love, other times it came in the way Eddie knew what Buck needed just by looking at the man.

The 118 was different.  

There was no Buck, there was no Bobby.

Eddie decided to finally take the last paramedic certification finally. Eddie had done hours on the ambulance over the years, had taken other certifications, and had just one left. 

The LAFD Certification. 

Then that dreaded day came, Eddie’s first day back at the 118 after moving back from El Paso. 

“Buck has decided not to return to the 118,” Interim-Captain Chimney said three weeks ago. 

Eddie still remembered the hollowness in his chest that day. That was when he heard Ravi talking to someone and decided to see who it was. The fight that happened that day hurt. Of course, he didn’t dwell on that long. 

This was Buck. This was his Buck. He’d come back eventually, right? 

-Tuesday, 4 weeks after Buck left-

Then, Buck was back at the station a week later on Tuesday. That day, Eddie followed him around like a lost puppy. Was he that obvious about how bad he needed to fix things with Buck? Did Buck really hate him for leaving and then planning to leave again? Or was this Buck’s grief just pushing him out? So many questions, not enough answers. Eddie didn’t want to push too hard, fearful of losing Buck. 

Buck would never leave. Buck would always be a part of his life. Buck loved Christopher. Buck didn’t know that Eddie was gay. Buck wouldn’t listen to him if he tried to tell him the truth.  

-5 Weeks after Buck left-

Eddie watched as several people stumbled into the seat next to him. The seat that was reserved for Buck. Ravi started sitting there, so Eddie didn’t glare at the floaters on the ladder truck. Captain Chimney refused to let anyone stay long. Of course not, Chim was on Eddie’s side.

Buck will be back.  

Buck has to come back. 

When Chimney was on leave for a while, Hen resorted to calling the floaters by the day of the week. Eddie just took her example and ran with it. Captain Chimney didn’t seem to mind.

-Tuesday-

Tuesday was fun. She was pretty, but not Eddie’s type, obviously, but Buck would have liked her. She was brunette, wild, and loved a good rope rescue. 

On Tuesday, Hen and Eddie were sitting up in the loft. This was probably the third shift in a row that they were studying for the LAFD certification. Eddie attempted to focus on studying and not thinking about Buck. 

Hen was reading him questions, and Eddie would answer almost on autopilot. Eddie’s answers were correct, but he only put in minimum effort. Eddie knew he would eventually have to expand on what he learned for the written portion of the exam. Luckily for Eddie, he had two paramedics in his circle who knew the typical questions for the written exam.

Hen stared at Eddie like she could see what he was thinking. “Eddie, where is your head?” She questioned.  

“I miss him,” Eddie said sadly. The him was obviously Buck, and everyone knew it. Eddie knew that if Buck were here, he’d be drilling him and making him study snacks like he did last year when he started this journey again. 

“Me too, but we gotta have faith that he will come back when he is ready. It’s Buck, he won’t stay away for too long. You are Eddie. He needs his Eddie,” Hen said and touched his hand. 

Eddie smiled sadly. “I need a break,” Eddie said. He got up and left the loft. Eddie went up to the roof and sat in a chair there. 

-Friday-

Friday was competitive and almost reminded him of a younger version of Buck. Almost. Friday has some problems, though; he didn’t know when to shut up. Even Ravi was annoyed by that. 

When Eddie returned to Buck asleep on his couch on Saturday morning, he wondered if that could be something good. It wasn’t. Buck and he had a hangout, and then Buck left. Buck left again, but promised to keep in contact. 

-Saturday, 6 Weeks after Buck left- 

The 118 felt different. 

The last time Eddie saw Buck was a week ago. Part of Eddie was worried about Buck’s self-isolation, but the other was confused about whether it was something he did. 

Eddie opened the text thread with Buck: 

Eddie : Just checking in. How’s the new team? Do you miss us yet? 

Buck left Eddie on read. ‘Okay… that is just rude.’ Eddie thought to himself. 

A few hours later, Eddie texted Buck again.

Eddie : Hey! Wanna grab dinner @ the Thai place near the 118? 

Buck : Can’t tonight! I got plans. 

Eddie frowned as he thought about how to reply. 

Eddie : Plans? Like a date? 

Eddie knew how needy that sounded. Of course, he went with a date and not friends. Buck was almost instantly replying to Eddie’s neediness. Maybe he wanted to die.  

Buck : No! Hanging w/ a few people from work.. 

‘Oh.’ Eddie wasn’t sure why that made a pang of dread fill his gut. 

Eddie : Well, have fun! 

Eddie dropped his phone in his lap. ‘Yeah, have fun!’ He thought sadly. 

-Saturday evening- 

Therapy was interesting. Eddie had been here over the years, seeing Frank for his PTSD. The couch was different now. It felt softer under his weight. Frank was writing in his notebook. “So Eddie, I know it's been a couple of months since Bobby passed. Is that what brought you here today?” Frank asked. Frank’s eyes felt like they were boring into Eddie’s soul. 

“Kind of?” Eddie’s voice was uncertain. Eddie shifted on the couch. “I think change is the biggest issue right now.” Eddie’s voice trembled slightly. 

Eddie could hear his father in his head. ‘Suck it up, mijo. Don’t let them see you weak.’  

Frank was writing again. “Which change has been the worst for you?” Frank looked up, meeting Eddie’s eyes. 

Eddie let out a sigh and rubbed his palms on his jeans. “I thought I’d say Bobby dying, but I understand the grief of losing someone tragically… I think  Buck leaving was the biggest.” Eddie said softly. 

Frank wrote something, then hummed. Eddie wanted to crawl into the cushions and disappear. “Buck leaving the 118 must have been confusing. He’s been through a lot with you. Why do you think it's specifically this change?” Frank asked. 

Eddie fidgeted with the sleeves of his Henley. “Uh… probably because he’s the one person I thought would never leave? We have been best friends for seven years. He loves Christopher probably as much as I do. He’s always been there through everything.” Eddie tried shaking his head, but he couldn’t stop the tears. “He just moved out and practically disappeared from my life. It felt like when Shannon left when Chris was a baby…” Eddie's voice trembled. 

‘Like Shannon…  Buck was not Shannon, but he mattered differently.. He mattered.’ Eddie could hear his thoughts. 

All of his thoughts were blending. 

Shannon, Christopher, and Buck were all driven away by something, maybe it was me?  

Frank looked at Eddie. He didn’t write this down yet. Eddie was thankful for that. “You just compared this change to Shannon, Do you have romantic feelings for Buck?” He asked. 

Eddie might throw up. Everything inside him was screaming. “That would mean I’m gay….” Eddie spoke softly. Which he was, but not out to anyone but a few people. Frank and Eddie both stared at each other. “Which I am, but he doesn’t know yet.” 

Frank nodded and started to write a few things. “He’s your best friend, why haven’t you told him?” He asked. 

Eddie laughed wetly. “That’s the million-dollar question,” Eddie said. He sighed before continuing, “I think telling him makes all of this real, and he’s not in the right headspace for that.” 

Frank nodded. “I think you should be honest, Eddie. This is what is eating you alive. Not change, you are good at adapting. You are terrified of losing Buck, but you are pushing him away by keeping this secret.” 

Eddie looked down. “What if he thinks I’m a fraud?” Eddie asked. 

Frank listened to him and nodded. “He might, but you are growing into this new vision,” Frank told him honestly. 

“I can’t be selfish. He has a whole new life that shouldn’t revolve around me anymore. If I tell him, it could push him away more.” Eddie was scared to be honest with Buck; what if Buck hated him? 

Frank nodded. “Think about sharing your truth, he shared his with you. Let everything else happen in time.” Frank told him. “Okay, let’s talk about the other change. How are you doing with your grief?” He asked. 

Eddie was thankful for the shift. “I still feel guilty about not being there when it happened. I got the call, and the one man who always had me? He didn’t know how much he meant to me? Or never telling him I was gay. I feel like a fraud for wasting so much time. If I did things differently, maybe Bobby would still be here.” Eddie sniffled. 

“Oh, Eddie. Bobby's dying wasn’t yours or the team's fault. Those things happen, but dwelling on the what-ifs won’t fix what happened. I’m sure Bobby knew how much he meant to all of you.” Frank said. He started to write again. “How about we meet at the same time next week?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded. “Thanks, Frank.” 

Eddie stood and left the office. He walked out to the parking lot and climbed into his car. He started the car and got the air going while he sat there. 

Eddie sat in his Prius. Eddie pulled his phone out and looked at it. An Instagram notification popped up on his phone. Buck just posted a photo.

Buck had glitter on his face, a bi-flag on his cheek, and a mesh style top with tight jeans. The girl was dressed in a tank top, shorts, and glitter all over, she had a bi-flag on her cheek. The guy was hot, young, and someone Buck would hook up with. The guy had on a crop-top cut right below his chest, a pair of low-riding jeans, and a bi-flag on his cheek. “Drinks w/@ashleydoesit + @jaythegreat” Buck stood between them, with his arm around Ashley’s waist and his other arm around Jay’s shoulder, with the location of a gay bar, The Abbey.

Eddie liked the post. “Looking great! Hope you are having fun, Buck!”  @Eddiebodywantssome commented. 

Eddie had stopped for dinner at a restaurant nearby after therapy. It was a Los Angeles restaurant, so it took a hot minute to get his food and finish eating. Eddie enjoyed that, though, he got to watch people as he sat alone at a corner table. A single table. 

Eddie knew he was going home to an empty house. Chris was staying with one of his friends, so the empty house would just be a reminder that Buck wasn’t coming over to occupy the emptiness. His mind wandered while he drove towards the house on Bedford Street. Eddie needed a distraction. Eddie decided not to dwell on things for now. 

Well, at least that was what he was telling himself. 

“Hey Siri, call Annoying Sister #2,” Eddie said into the Bluetooth above his head. The phone connected. “Calling Annoying Sister #2,” Siri replied to him. 

Ring. 

Ring. 

Ring.

“Eds?” Adriana answered curiously. “It’s like 10:30 in Texas,” She said, exhausted. 

Eddie laughed. “Oops. I need your hard truth right now,” Eddie admitted. His hand was on the wheel as he was driving home. It was 8:35 PM in California. 

Adriana sighed loudly enough that Eddie could hear the annoyance. “Is this about ocean eyes?” She asked. 

“When you give me those ocean eyes.”

Clocked. 

Fuck was he really that obvious? 

Eddie stopped at a red light. “When is it not?” He laughed, annoyed. 

Adriana’s background got quiet as she closed the door. “Okay, what did he do?” Adriana asked. This wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last time Eddie called his more level-headed sister. The sister who probably knew since she was eight that he was gay, but never said anything. She always had his back. 

Eddie started to drive again. “I’m being an idiot again. Not him. He’s Buck…” He said sadly. “Of course, he’d make new friends. I just miss him. I left, and then he left. Why does it feel like he broke up with me? Why does it feel like I’ll never be able to tell him my truth?” Eddie gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “Did I wait too long? Is he done with looking at me like I’m… his?” He asked. 

Eddie was sober. Eddie just didn’t understand his feelings yet. Maybe he did have a romantic connection to Buck. Or maybe it was just him feeling abandoned. 

“I’m scared. I’ve never fallen from quite this high.” 

“Eddie, are you driving? Please pull over before you have a panic attack.” She told her brother. Adriana was breathing slowly. 

“Almost home. I can fall apart then.” Eddie told her this wasn’t the first time he had forced himself to wait. 

Eddie was pretty sure he could hear her roll her eyes. “You are as stubborn as Papa.” She told him. 

Eddie laughed wetly as he parked in the driveway. “Okay, ‘m home.” 

“Okay, take a deep breath for me,” Adriana told him calmly. 

Eddie sat back and took that breath. 

“That’s great. Okay, focus on breathing,” she said, and then sighed. “Eddie, I think Buck is in a place where he is lost and isn’t ready to reach out yet. You know how he tries to hold himself together like you do. Since coming out to me, I think you are coming to terms with other things. This is your sister, not my therapy talk, okay?” She reassured him. 

Eddie’s face was wet. His breathing was back to normal. “I know, but I just don’t know what to do. I need to tell him in person for my sanity. I can’t live my truth until he knows. He matters so much to me.” Eddie told her. 

Was he in love with Buck? He wasn’t sure, but this hurt so bad. 

Adriana sighed. “Keep trying, and if he’s not ready? Then it’s his loss.” She told him. 

Eddie sighed. “I just don’t wanna miss out on telling him and understanding why he is the one who makes me proud to be this version of myself . I guess I can wait to start this next chapter. To help him see that he belongs here with us.” Eddie admitted sadly. 

Adriana took a breath. “Eddie… that sounds like more than caring about someone.” She started. “And you shouldn’t have to wait for one man forever. You hear yourself, right?  What would you tell Soph or I? I know you care about him, maybe you love him?” She suggested. 

Maybe you love him? Maybe that’s why it feels like a break-up? Was he in love with Evan Buckley? 

Eddie blinked back tears. “What if he’s been waiting for me to be ready for 7 years? Why can’t I do the same?” He asked. 

Adriana didn’t say anything for a minute. “If that is what you need to do.” 

Eddie let his tears fall. He was searching for permission to be happy in the darkness. His sister was telling him the one thing he deserved. “I needed this. Wow! Adri, thank you for answering tonight.” 

"Falling into your ocean eyes, those ocean eyes. I’ve been walking through a world gone blind."

Adriana smiled into the phone, and he could hear it in her voice. “Anytime, big brother, now relax and listen to some music, okay?” 

“I will sweet dreams!” Eddie said before ending the call. 

Eddie got out of the car. He grabbed his LAFD duffle bag from the back. He went to the front door. He unlocked it, but didn’t go in. His fingers scratched over the indent on the front door. The one Buck made when he was helping Eddie move his things into the U-Haul before his move to Texas. 

-Saturday Night- 

Eddie pulled up his Spotify and looked through songs. A soft smile formed on his lips as he pressed play on Lauv’s ‘ I Like Me Better ’, which connected to the Bluetooth bar. 

Some songs made the former ballroom dancer think about that curly-haired man. Months of knowing how he felt were never the right time. Let’s be honest, it was probably years, but Eddie still felt undeserving of the love Buck could ever give him. Or maybe Eddie didn’t understand why this hurt worse than any breakup he had ever had. The only time he had a deep ache was for Shannon; he never was deeply in love with her, but he had love for her as Christopher’s mother. 

"If we lay, let the day just pass us by, I might get to too much talking, I might have to tell you somethin."

Eddie breathed as his body felt the music. Eddie’s mind wandered to Buck, who was currently out with other people. Like before, Texas, the same Buck he wanted to feel connected to. The one he gave heart eyes to just weeks ago, when Eddie was panicking inside about another near-death experience happening to that man, the curly-haired, ocean-eyed, best friend of 7 years. 

Buck.Buck.Buck.  

It hurt so bad not to be around him, but Eddie would do what he could. He would give anything just for one text, call, or FaceTime. Maybe Eddie was needy. Maybe Eddie was desperate for the one person who always came back. The one who would always answer for him, but he wasn’t answering. He was busy. He had a new life, which didn’t revolve around Eddie. 

When the song ended, Eddie sat on the couch. His eyes were focused on that time. It was midnight. Buck would text if he needed him. 

‘If’ . 

Eddie got ready for bed, he laid down and closed his eyes. Eddie fell asleep wondering if Buck would call or text him. 

-7 weeks after Buck leaves the 118, Sunday Morning-

2:00 AM

Buck’s ringtone sounded through the dark room.  A goofy picture of Buck in an apron baking popped up on the screen. Eddie shot up in bed. “Buck?” Eddie said, alarmed, as he pressed the phone to his ear. 

A soft sigh was heard from the line. It took Buck a couple more seconds to actually speak. “Eddie?” Buck whispered and sniffled. 

Fuck Buck was crying. 

Eddie sat up against the headboard of the bed. “Hey? Are you upset? Did something happen?” Eddie asked, concerned. Eddie felt that pang when he got the call about Bobby dying again. 

Did someone else die? 

“N-no. Nothing…. I just—” Buck slurred with a sob. Buck was drunk, and Eddie could hear it. So, not only was he worried about Buck, but now he wanted to make sure he was okay. “Just wanted to call. I’m sorry….” Buck whimpered into the phone. 

“Buck, tell me where you are… okay?” Eddie pleaded. Eddie stood up, grabbed his sweats, and pulled them on. 

“No… You can’t… you’ll be mad, I’m an idiot.” Buck mumbled into the phone, and Eddie barely made that out over the slurred words. 

“I won’t. Are you hurt, Buck? You are crying. I can hear your voice shaking…. Please, Evan…  I need to see if you are hurt,” Eddie pleaded with him, concern etched in that sleepy voice. 

Buck hung up, and Eddie stared at the phone like it was evil . 

Eddie sat back on the bed. He placed his head into his palms and let out a frustrated sound. ‘Why is he pushing me away like this?’  Eddie thought to himself. 

Not even five minutes later, his phone rang again. 

FaceTime call from Buck: 

Eddie sat on the edge of the bed. Eddie held his phone out as he hit accept. “Buck? Wait, where are you?” Eddie asked, and he could tell it was dark, but a little light illuminated the sad man. 

Buck had red, puffy eyes, and that were glazed. “On my balcony? Yeah, there.” Buck murmured. Eddie was sure it was because it was too late for Buck to make noise at his new place. 

Eddie nodded. “You wanna tell me what happened?” Eddie asked. 

Buck sighed. “I’m an idiot. I just wanted to get to know everyone, but it felt different…” Buck whispered, sadly. 

Eddie nodded. Eddie knew exactly what he was upset about. Buck sometimes feared that people didn’t like him or found him annoying. After Tommy, it seemed to get worse. “Yeah, I get that. Does it feel wrong because it should be us and not them?” Eddie asked for clarity. 

Buck sniffled again, his dark figure on the phone nodded. 

Eddie sighed. “I know it can be scary, but you’ll fit in. Once they get to know you… They’ll love you for the big lovable idiot you are…. Just don’t be afraid to let them in, okay?” Eddie sighed softly. Part of Eddie wanted to hurt anyone who made Buck feel like this, but he also knew this was part of his fear of rejection. 

Buck smiled sadly into the phone. “I’m sorry, I suck as a friend lately. I hope you know you matter to me.” Buck said to Eddie. 

Eddie felt a brick hit him right through the heart. Eddie had said those exact words when he left Buck and went to Texas for Chris. “I know. You know you are so important to me, right, Buck?” Eddie whispered. He shook his head to try to hide the tears in his eyes. 

“I should go. Eddie, just know you will always matter, okay?” Buck said softly. Eddie saw something in his eyes. 

“Buck, why does it feel like you are saying goodbye to me?” Eddie asked. 

Buck didn’t say anything. He just gave him a sad smile before ending the FaceTime. 

Eddie was stunned as he saw him disappear. “Did he?” Eddie said to himself. 

Eddie was pretty sure that Buck just hung up as he said goodbye, like they had promised they never would. 

Eddie opened the text thread. 

Eddie : Please don’t do this. Whatever is going through your head. I will always be here, okay? I had to go to Chris. I came back. I know that it was Chim who convinced me to come back, and you were mad about that.

Buck read the message. Eddie was crying now.

Maybe he lost Buck forever ? 

Eddie : You matter to me so much. I need you. Chris needs you. 

Read the message. 

Eddie : Please just call me back. I am so worried about you. 

Eddie wiped his tears. 

Eddie : I know you are reading these. 

Buck : Go to bed.

Eddie sighed and he laid down. Maybe that was in his head. Maybe Buck was just sad, and it wasn’t what he thought. Maybe, just maybe, Buck wasn’t about to throw him out as he probably deserved. No, that was Eddie’s bad thoughts winning the whole; he doesn’t deserve joy arguments constantly in his head. 

-Sunday Morning to Afternoon-

Eddie was exhausted. After the call with Buck later last night, well, earlier this morning, he knew he needed to figure things out for himself. Not for anyone else, but himself. This brought him to the same cathedral where he struggled to find his joy and worthiness. 

“Take me to church.”

Eddie stared up at the cathedral before him. The same one with that priest, Father Brian. The one he thought had been flirting with him—the one he said with his full chest that he was straight.

“How about you? Do you come here often?” 

“Oh. Listen, um, no offense, I’m straight.”

“Oh, that’s alright, I’m celibate.” 

That should have really been Eddie’s first clue about himself being gay. He jumped to conclusions about an attractive, wait, hot man priest sitting with him, enjoying his coffee. die walked inside the church. He stepped forward and stood looking up at the cross. Some part of him wanted to run and go home, but that was interrupted. 

“I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies.” 

“Good morning, it’s Eddie, right?” Father Brian asked as he approached Eddie, who looked at the altar before himself. Eddie didn’t want to turn. He was feeling guilty for even stepping into this church to talk about his issues with his religion, with his internalized homophobia. The reason he couldn’t let himself claim the joy he was so desperate to have. 

Sacrifice happiness for others.

No joy. 

You must be the man. 

You must be the father. 

The husband. 

The provider. 

Those thoughts were burned into Eddie’s mind by Ramon Diaz all those years ago. Eddie got Shannon pregnant, and any thought about who he was disappeared at 19. 

Eddie turned to look at him. “Do they give you time off?” Eddie asked, deflecting. A smile on his sad lips. “But yes, I am Eddie. It’s nice to see you again, Father.” Eddie said respectfully. 

Father Brian smiled at Eddie. “I wasn’t sure I’d see you again. Are you here for confession or to talk?” He asked. 

Eddie looked at him. “Can we skip the formalities this time?” Eddie asked. 

The two stared at each other for a moment. Father Brian nodded as he watched Eddie. “Would you like to walk or sit?” He asked. Eddie could tell he wanted to make him feel comfortable. 

Eddie thought for a moment. “It’s nice outside, could we walk on the grounds?” Eddie asked. 

Father Brian gestured with his hand. Eddie followed him out a side door into the beautifully maintained grounds within the cathedral. There were different colors of flowers, and some trees that provided shade over benches. 

“I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.” 

“I grew up in the church. I know that I am doing things that don’t always align with the values my parents instilled in me. The ones that the church in Texas told us we should follow to live in God’s vision of us. I am struggling with finding strength with my beliefs,” Eddie told him honestly. A sharp swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing as he felt like he had just worked up vomited everything that he still wanted to keep hidden. 

Father Brain listened as they walked. He nodded his head as he processed the words that Eddie shared with him. “Sometimes our journey can change how we see ourselves through his eyes. I believe he sees us as we see ourselves. If you can accept yourself, then he will. Once you commit it to yourself, joy will find you, Eddie,” Father Brian said. 

Eddie processed his words. 

Don’t cry. 

Don’t overthink. 

Don’t tell him. 

“Offer me that deathless death.” 

Eddie swallowed again. “Even if I’m not strong, I’m not the straight man that the church says we have to be?” Eddie said. He turned and looked at Father Brian. “If I’m gay?” 

“Oh, good God, let me give you my life.” 

Father Brian stopped walking as Eddie turned to him. Reassurance on his face. “You can’t be strong all the time. Also, Eddie, God loves all his children for how he created them. If you need to hear it's okay to be gay? It is, at least it is in this church, not all Catholics will agree. I think that is up to interpretation.” Father Brian told him. 

Eddie didn’t realize he was holding his breath. He exhaled slowly and let the air fill his lungs once more. “Really?” Eddie asked, sounding smaller, not like the 33-year-old he was. 

A smile formed on Father Brian’s lips, and he nodded. “He does not give you what you cannot handle.” He reminded Eddie. 

“My lovers, the sunlight, to keep the goddess on my side.” 

Eddie wanted to believe that, but Eddie has been handed too much in his 33 years of life. Death, bullet holes, so much sadness, and then he gave him Buck, and he fumbled that. 

“She demands a sacrifice, drain the whole sea, get somethin’ shiny.” 

Eddie nodded sadly. “Thank you! Oh, that makes me feel like something has finally been taken off my shoulders.” Eddie admitted with sad eyes, tears filled those brown-hazel eyes. 

“You have permission to go for that joy. Go get that juice, Eddie.” Father Brian told him. 

“Something meaty for the main course, that’s a fine lookin’ high horse.” 

Part of Eddie wanted to believe that everything he learned was not the true meaning. Maybe this was a new age catholic life in Los Angeles, but perhaps that was good enough for him. 

Unlearning years of repression would take time, but Eddie was ready to live his life again. 

“Oh, and Eddie? Glad you have the mustache for you now.” Father Brain said. 

Eddie smiled and touched his mustache proudly. He left the cathedral feeling like a different version of himself. 

-Week 7, Wednesday- 

Eddie had missed his mustache. Of course, now that he was living his truth to himself, he decided to bring it back. This time it wasn’t a mask to hide behind, but an extension of who he was. Buck had even once told him he liked it. So the mustache had been growing for the past few weeks, and he was finally getting to that place where it was shaping into a nice mustache again. 

Eddie was standing in front of his locker. He pulled off the Henley that he wore to the station. Eddie grabbed the standard LAFD t-shirt over his uniform shirt since he was on the ladder truck for most of the shift today. Eddie put the Henley in his bag. He pulled on his pants and then pulled the t-shirt over his head as he turned. Chimney just walked in as he finished changing. 

Chimney nodded in approval, looking at Eddie’s face, specifically the mustache. “It’s looking great, man,” Chimney told him. 

“Thanks, Cap!” Eddie said with a smile. This was their sixth shift since Chimney had officially become the Captain of the 118. 

“You can call me Chimney when we are not on calls,” Chimney reminded Eddie. Eddie laughed slightly with a nod.

“Can I ask you something?” Eddie asked him softly. Eddie closed his locker and leaned against it. 

“Of course, Eddie,” Chimney said. Eddie could tell Chimney looked like a deer in headlights. 

“Is Buck okay? I haven’t talked to him in a few days. He texts me less and less, and the other night he kind of sounded really bad. He sounded like he was saying goodbye to me,” Eddie admitted. Eddie was shaking his head as that memory hit him. Eddie wouldn’t allow himself to feel it again. 

Chimney made a face somewhere between sad and annoyed. “Buck is dealing with a lot. I think he thought leaving would be different, and he’s struggling with that choice. I promise he is at a good station and doing well. He sent Maddie a text the other night with pictures from a hang with his new station,” Chimney told him. 

Eddie nodded. “I saw.. He posted on Instagram. He didn’t reply, but called me later that night about hanging. That’s when he seemed really sad. I just miss him. It feels so odd being here with his floating replacement. Do you think he will ever come back home?” Eddie asked sadly. 

Chimney looked down, then back at him. “I think that is a question for Buck. He’s struggling right now and needs to find himself. He seems to be finding his place with this team, but he will struggle for a bit. He needs this time to grow. He had dinner with us the other night. He wants his privacy, and I understand that,” Chimney told Eddie. 

Eddie nodded. “Yeah, but he still hangs with Ravi. Did I do something?” Eddie asked. 

Chimney looked at the ground again. “Eddie, that’s a thing that should be talked about with Buck. I cannot tell you if you did something or not. It’s not my place,” he said sadly. Chimney stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Just know, I’m rooting for you both to make up or whatever because both of you look like kicked puppies and I hate it.” 

Eddie looked up at that touch. Chimney had seen him touch Buck like this and was trying to comfort him. Eddie probably appreciated it more than Chimney knew because he missed Buck’s touch. A teen will only let you get away with hugging them so much. “Thanks, Cap..” Eddie said softly. 

Buck. Buck. Buck. 

Another string of Bucks was in Eddie’s mind. He was desperate for that touch from his best friend. All he wanted was to feel his fingers and his body against his as they hugged. He wanted to touch that spot on Buck. The spot where he could feel his pulse. Like a lifeline to Buck.

Eddie walked out of the locker room. He walked through the bay and straight up the stairs to the loft. His first stop was to grab a coffee cup. Eddie held the cup in his hand and grabbed the coffee pot. Eddie poured himself a cup and returned the coffee pot to the warmer. 

Eddie placed the lid on and lifted it. He sipped the black coffee and leaned against the counter behind him. 

Eddie’s mind wandered to last year .

Bobby was probably making breakfast, and Buck would be helping him. Eddie could almost taste the bacon, pancakes, and eggs. He could hear the laughter as Buck nearly made a mess sneaking chocolate chips into the batter. Eddie could see how those blue eyes would light up as Bobby scolded him for using all the chocolate chips for the week again. Eddie could feel his eyes lock on those blue eyes as he tried to hide from their Captain again. 

“Good morning, Eddie,” Ravi said as he grabbed a cup of coffee. Eddie’s eyes snapped open as he remembered it was just a memory. Bobby was gone, and Buck was not coming up those loft steps. 

“Mornin’ Ravi, question?” Eddie asked with a soft smile. 

Ravi nodded. “What’s up?” He asked as he fixed his coffee with some oatmilk and some sugar. 

“Did you work out with Buck yesterday?” Eddie asked, looking for information. 

Ravi looked at him. “No, Buck was on shift yesterday? I think? I can’t remember. I just didn’t see him. It’s been a few days, actually.” Ravi told him. 

Eddie nodded. He pulled his phone out and saw the last message from Buck. He pulled up the thread and started to text. “Well, maybe he will want to hang after shift tomorrow,” Eddie said softly. 

Text with Buck: 

Eddie : Hey, man! Not sure if you are working tomorrow, but maybe we can grab lunch? 

Eddie watched as the dots appeared. 

Buck : I can’t tomorrow. Dinner with my sister and Chim. But maybe breakfast before the shift on Friday? There’s this cute breakfast place near Griffith I’ve been wanting to try. 

Eddie felt the smile pull at his lips. He responded. 

Eddie : The one with those like donut towers or was it waffles? 

Buck : Waffle tower! They have like 5 different flavors and all the good carbs! 

Eddie : Sounds fantastic. 7? I start at 9. 

Buck : See you on Friday morning! 

Eddie : See you then. 

Eddie pocketed his phone. A smile on his face as he thought about breakfast. That smile quickly faded as they were called to their first emergency. Cups were discarded in the trash before Ravi, Wednesday, Captain Chimney, Hen, and Eddie were all geared up. Eddie climbed into the passenger seat of the ambulance while Hen was driving. 

“He texted me back, and we finally made plans,” Eddie told her excitedly. “Do you think I should wait to tell him the big gay secret?” He asked her. 

Hen was looking ahead at the road and ensuring everything was clear as they went through the intersections towards the emergency. “I don’t think you should overwhelm him right away with it. But if it feels right, then you should.” 

The rest of that Wednesday was interesting. It was almost like someone said the Q-word. They had the typical car accidents with extractions, a fire, and even a lost kid at Griffith Park that they assisted with. 

-Thursday - 

By the time they were off on Thursday morning, Eddie was exhausted. He got Chris wrangled from Tia Pepa and took him to school. 

“How was your night with Tia?” Eddie asked Chris as he drove the Prius to his school. 

Chris was in a summer program and spent most of the day at the school. “It was good? We watched a movie and ate tamales,” Chris told his father. 

“I missed out on Tia’s tamales. No way!” Eddie whined. 

Eddie watched as Chris got out. Chris grabbed his bag and crutches. “Love you, Mijo.” Eddie told him. 

“Love you, Dad,” Chris said before he went inside. Once Chris was inside, Eddie pulled away from the curb. 

A short drive later, Eddie was climbing out of the Prius. He went inside and changed into his sweats and a tank top. He climbed under the sheets and set his alarm to pick up Chris later. 

A dream could be anything, right? Eddie’s dreams sometimes reminded him of his past pain. The reminder of death, destruction, and carnage that had plagued his mind for years.

But this was not that kind of dream. Eddie was in therapy. Eddie was working through things in his life to bring him towards that life of happiness, of his joy. 

A dream was anything but a figment of his imagination. 

Lips were against Eddie’s, but his eyes were shut. A tongue was pushing at his lower lip and asking for permission. Eddie’s mouth opened as a moan sounded from him in his sleep.

Stubble was scratching as fingers tilted Eddie’s head, and his own fingers were clawing at a shirt. Fingers brushing against a cardiagin over a t-shirt. Eddie’s fingers fisted at the shirt right at the waist, one hand slipping over a stomach; there was definition there. 

Tongues and teeth were scraping together in a perfect synch, like their bodies were meant for another. 

The kiss broke as a sound interrupted the dream. 

Beep. 

Beep. 

Beep. 

Eddie’s eyes opened, and he grabbed his phone. He cursed at it as he had never seen the face. But he felt at home in that dream. Like it was who he was supposed to be with. 

Eddie climbed out of bed and went to get Christopher from school. 

Eddie was basically a soccer mom, with a black tank top and sweatpants on, and at least he remembered shoes this time. 

He drove the 20 minutes to Chris’ school. The 14-year-old was immersed in his switch when he climbed into the car. 

“How was the program?” Eddie asked as Chris buckled up. 

“It was good. We are doing robotics!” Chris said excitedly. 

Eddie and technology were not friends. Eddie plastered the fakest smile he could on his face for his son. “That sounds… exciting?” Eddie said. 

Chris laughed. “I know, Dad! It’s not a Hildy, don’t worry. So it’s like an RC car meets a robot?” He tried to explain to his dad. 

Eddie nodded. “Oh, so like those things they do competitions for?” Eddie asked. He might have seen a video or two with Buck. Eddie was nervous about the whole Chris making technology like that. 

“Yeah, like that! We might be able to join this competition in November in San Diego,” Chris told his father. 

Eddie nodded. “That sounds fun. You want some Pizza for dinner?” He asked. Chris nodded. 

“Yeah, is Buck coming over?” Chris asked. 

“Not tonight, buddy. But maybe soon?” Eddie said. 

Chris and Eddie ordered a pizza and some wings. The two sat on the couch and watched a movie. Eddie couldn’t really remember what it was because he kept looking over where Buck usually would sit on the other side of Christopher. 

Eddie missed Buck, but was excited for their breakfast tomorrow. Once the movie was over, Chris went into the bedroom. 

Eddie went into his room. He hoped that he would have a dream again about the guy he was kissing, but he didn’t. 

-Friday morning- 

At least Eddie slept until his alarm went off at 6. Carla would be by to take Chris to his summer program, and Tia would pick him up after. 

Eddie climbed out of bed and went to the shower. After a quick shower, he dressed in a green Henley, jeans, and boots. Eddie heard his 2nd alarm go off, signifying that he would be late if he didn’t leave in the next 5 minutes. 

Eddie walked out of the bedroom and kissed Christopher’s head and then Carla’s cheek. “Good Morning!” Eddie said excitedly. 

Carla hummed as she sized him up. “You look nice and smell nice. You excited for your breakfast with Buck?” She asked. 

Chris smiled. “Can I skip today and go with?!” Chris asked excitedly. 

Eddie laughed. “Excited, yes, and Chris, you have to build the robot thing.” Eddie smiled. 

Chris pouted, and Carla cupped Eddie’s cheek. “It’s nice seeing you happy this morning,” she admitted to him. 

“Thanks, Carla. I’m gonna be late meeting Buck. Have fun, you two!” He told them before running out the door to the Prius. 

Eddie put on the playlist and programmed the GPS with the breakfast restaurant. 

Eddie drove through the early morning traffic in Los Angeles. It took him precisely 25 minutes to get to the restaurant. He pulled into the parking garage. He found a spot and saw Buck climbing out of his truck. 

Eddie checked himself in the mirror. His hair wasn’t gelled down like usual; two or three strands were lying over his forehead. His mustache looked good, and his stubble was slightly showing on his jaw. 

Eddie climbed out of the Prius. He smiled as Buck stood at the end of the truck. “Hey!” Eddie said, happily, to see Buck. 

Buck pushed away from the truck. “Hey man!” Buck said. Buck walked towards Eddie. 

Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck and felt Buck slightly tense under his grasp before relaxing into his arms. Eddie could feel Buck melting into his body as they hugged for a long moment. “It’s good to see you,” Eddie whispered against his shoulder. 

Buck was the first to pull back; he stepped back. Buck’s eyes skimmed over Eddie’s face, pausing at his mustache or lips. Eddie wasn’t sure which one it was. “You look different? Why is the mustache back?” Buck asked. 

Eddie chuckled. “You don’t like my mustache?” Eddie asked, pouting. 

“I never said that. I just hope it’s for the right reasons,” Buck said with a smile. 

“I like it. It’s me,” Eddie said proudly. 

Buck nodded. “Then I like it too,” Buck told him. Buck turned towards the stairs in the parking garage. “I hope you are hungry. This place has good reviews,” Buck added. 

The two walked next to each other and then went up the stairs to the ground level of the parking structure. “I saw the pictures you sent with the towers. My teeth hurt just thinking about that.” Eddie laughed. 

Buck nodded and chuckled. “Hey! Let me live my life!” Buck mocked. 

Eddie opened the door and walked in after Buck. The two waited to be seated. Both seemed thankful it wasn’t too busy at 7 in the morning on a Friday. 

“How’s the new station? You’ve been there for what, 6 shifts?” Eddie asked. The menu opened in his hands. Eddie’s eyes scanned the different items to find what he wanted to order. There were various types of waffles. He would be working this off in the gym at the station later. 

Buck hummed. Eddie knew that hum was a distraction to the question. “It's pretty good. I hung out with a couple of the team the other night. Oh wait! I called you.” Buck’s face contorted thinking about that night. “Sorry about being weird.” 

Eddie wanted to push, but decided against it. “Things happen. I’m glad you are making friends and we are hanging out.” Eddie told him. Eddie smiled. Eddie wanted to say more, but knew he couldn’t. 

Buck nodded. “Yeah? I really enjoy the station-” Buck stopped as the waiter approached the table. 

The waiter’s nametag read Kenny, and a rainbow sticker was next to his name. Kenny was shorter than Eddie, had a slim waist, golden curls with a fade. Eddie thought he was good-looking. “Well, good morning to me! I get two of L.A.’s hottest firefighters in my section? What can I get started for you?” The waiter said. Eddie looked at Buck and then down at himself. They both still had their LAFD jackets over their shirts. 

Eddie nodded to Buck to order first. “I’ll take the caramel oatmilk latte and the caramel waffle tower with the bananas,” Buck ordered. 

Kenny was writing down everything into his little notepad. Eddie watched him look up, and he nodded at Eddie. 

Eddie smiled. “I’ll have the double-shot Americano and the Nutella waffle with the bananas and strawberries,” Eddie said. 

Kenny smiled. “Sure thing!” Kenny was loud and excited. Eddie’s eyes lingered on Kenny’s retreating form. 

When Eddie turned back to Buck, he stared at Eddie with a smirk. “What?” Eddie asked. 

Buck chuckled. “If you weren’t straight as a door, I’d think you were checking him out,” Buck teased. 

Eddie blushed. He was sure Buck knew he was checking out Kenny. “What?” He questioned. 

Buck rolled his eyes. “If you stare any harder, one might assume you like him?” Buck teased. 

‘ This is not the time. ’

‘ Buck is questioning him, checking out a guy? ’

Eddie laughed nervously. “What? No way! I just liked his pants!” Eddie whispered loudly. 

Buck raised an eyebrow suspiciously at Eddie. Eddie knew that look. “Whatever you say, you do need a new queer friend though since I’m busy,” Buck joked. 

Eddie covered his cheeks. He knew he was so red. “Buck, I don’t need a new friend from the community. I’m not homophobic,” Eddie challenged. 

Buck’s eyes went wide at the realization, “Oh! NO! Eddie, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m so, so, so sorry -  I know you are an ally,” Buck sounded sad and apologetic. 

Eddie laughed. “D-did you just call me an al-ally?” He asked. Eddie was avoiding eye contact with Buck. 

“Well, yeah? When I came out, you were so supportive!” Buck said a little too loudly. Buck smiled at Eddie. 

Eddie wondered if he should be honest, but at that moment, their plates were set before them. 

“Here you go, handsome,” Kenny said and winked at Eddie. Eddie took a drink from his Americano. 

Buck chuckled as Eddie squirmed in his seat. “Thank you!” Buck told Kenny. 

Kenny left the two, and they started to eat. “Buck, that’s huge. Don’t you work today?” He asked.

Buck nodded. “I can work out. The station has a lot of downtime, which is nice,” He told Eddie. 

Eddie coughed while eating a strawberry. He nodded and licked his lower lip clean of the Nutella. Maybe he was picturing Buck working out and sweaty? Yeah, he was a goner. “Oh, so are you in a house in the burbs?” Eddie asked. Maybe Buck would fill him in . 

Buck nodded. “Mostly? We get some pretty mellow calls. Some of the industries around the station, too. Last week, we helped with a missing kid, which was a good call. I got to carry the little dude. Reminded me of Chris a bit when we first met,” Buck admitted. “We are not doing calls today for the first part. We are at this pride event,” Buck added. 

Eddie started to narrow down stations in his head. “Oh, that sounds fun! Do you guys do a lot of events?” Eddie asked. He then took another bite. 

“Eddie, you know I can’t tell you all that,” Buck said. Buck placed a clear boundary with Eddie. Eddie knew he had to respect that. 

“No, I get it. I was just curious how you are not getting bored on event calls. You used to hate any promo stuff they made us do,” Eddie admitted. 

Buck nodded. “This is different. It’s fun,” Buck told him. 

Eddie dropped it from now. Both guys finished up eating. Eddie paid for breakfast. Buck tried to argue, but Eddie held the bill out of his reach. 

They walked out and to the parking garage. “I had fun today. Maybe if you aren’t busy tomorrow, you can come to the bar with Ravi and I?” Eddie asked. 

“I can’t… I have plans with Maddie and Chim for dinner, and then Ash and I are doing something,” Buck said sadly. 

‘ Ash. Ash? Ash?! ’ 

Eddie nodded. “Maybe another time?” Eddie asked. 

Buck nodded. Eddie held out his hand for a fist bump. “Be safe,” Eddie said. 

Buck bumped his fist off Eddie’s. “Yeah, you too”. 

Eddie got into the Prius. The two of them went their separate ways. 

-Friday into Saturday (9:00 AM to 9:00 AM)-

Friday’s shift actually wasn’t bad. Eddie and Ravi worked together most of the time. The two were practically attached at the hip, conspiring on where Buck’s new station is. They had a list of possibilities based on what Buck had said to either of them.  

Saturday, nearly two hours before the end of the shift. Ravi and Eddie were cleaning up gear in the bay together. “You never told me how breakfast went?” Ravi asked Eddie. When thinking about it, Eddie made a slight face, a smile that faded. 

Eddie looked at him. “I tried to get him to go with us tomorrow, but he’s hanging with Mads and Chim.” Eddie sighed. 

Ravi glanced at him and nodded. Ravi was running a rag over the jaws of life to clean some grease that was running. “So… did you guys talk about him leaving?” Ravi asked. 

Eddie sighed and shook his head. “No, not really. He did tell me about his station. I think he’s in the burbs. He won’t tell me where.” Eddie admitted. 

Ravi nodded. “He told me he lives about 40 minutes away from our gym. The one you’ve been to a few times with us. He told me he got stuck in traffic the other day.” 

Eddie hummed. “Did he say any highways?” Eddie asked. 

Ravi smiled. “So 40 minutes could be East L.A. or North Hollywood,” Ravi suggested. 

Eddie put the Jaws back into the ladder truck compartment. He turned to look at him. “Check next to the jaws.” Eddie reminded Ravi. 

Ravi picked up the clipboard and made a check. “Next on the list is hoses,” Ravi read from the list. 

Eddie climbed up and pulled the hoses down. He handed them to Ravi individually so they could check them for damage. Once they were down, the two of them organized them. 

Eddie looked at Ravi. “Can’t be Hollywood. Buck would tell us if he had any cool calls with celebs. You know how he can get.” 

The two checked the lines, and then Eddie climbed back up. Ravi handed him a rolled hose one at a time. The two of them worked well together once the task was done. “Check,” Eddie said with a smile. 

Eddie missed clipboard Buck right now. 

Eddie jumped down and pulled out his phone. Ravi stood next to him while Eddie pulled out the maps app. Eddie zoomed in on two areas. “Could it be Santa Monica, or what about the area near Gardena?” Ravi suggested. 

Eddie marked the two new places on the map. Ravi and Eddie had been doing this for 3 weeks. They were trying so hard to figure it out. “He wouldn’t lie to us about being at 217 still, right?” Eddie asked. 

Chimney laughed. Both Ravi and Eddie jumped and turned to look at him. “Not there. Trust, Buck would die if he had to partner with Tommy on a call longer than he needed. The whole emergency with us all inside had been hard enough for him and Athena.” Chimney told them both. Chimney looked over the clipboard. “You guys should take a break.” 

The rest of the shift was calm. The two of them added a few more places, but none of them were where Buck really was. They planned to talk more at the bar tomorrow night. 

Eddie made a note to tell Buck about clipboard Ravi. A smile on his face. 

Eddie pulled up his text thread. 

Eddie : ~attached photo of Ravi with a clipboard~ . You’d be proud of your protégé. He did the clipboard proud. 

Buck : ~attached a photo of himself with a bisexual flag painted on his cheek.~ So proud! Wish you guys could have been at this event. So much fun! 

Eddie : Love the flag! I hope you are having fun! Gotta go, med call! 

Eddie went on a medical call with Hen. The patient was 32 and had rainbows and other pride stuff on. Eddie hoped one day he could be that out there and be proud of himself for being out to everyone . Eddie worked on the patient, ensuring they received care quickly. The patient was struggling with heatstroke. Eddie was currently breaking ice packs and setting them around the patient. A cold IV was also inserted to help bring their temperature down. 

Once at the hospital, the two got the patient registered.  

The drive back to the station was pretty mellow. Hen and Eddie talked about the sleepover between the boys. 

“I’ll drop Chris off at 2?” Eddie asked. 

“Yes, 2 works. Denny is so excited for the sleepover with the boys. He hasn’t stopped talking about it since we said yes,” Hen told him. 

“Chris, too.” Eddie smiled. Eddie closed the back of the ambulance up and climbed into the passenger seat. 

“You doing anything fun? Like seeing a cute curly-haired firefighter?” Hen said to him. She started the ambulance and headed back to the station. 

“Nope, that was yesterday morning. We went for breakfast. It was good, but he has plans with Mads and Chim tonight,” He said. He sighed a little. 

Hen looked at him. “Oh, that’s right, they were doing some family dinner or something,” Hen told him. 

Eddie yawned again. “I can’t wait to get home and in bed,” He said with a laugh. Eddie was tired, even if it was a pretty calm 24-hour shift. 

The two got back to the station and got the ambulance ready. They restocked everything and added extra ice packs just in case. 

Once 9:00 A.M hit, everyone changed back into their normal clothes. Eddie waved bye to Hen and Ravi before pulling out. 

-Saturday after shift-

Eddie went to Tia Pepa’s to pick up Christopher. He stayed for breakfast. She enjoyed spoiling her nephew. “Where’s our Evancito?” Tia asked him. 

Eddie smiled. “He’s probably sleeping at his place?” Eddie muttered. 

Tia looked at her nephew. “Have you told him yet, ‘Mundo?” She asked, judging. 

Eddie sighed. “It's not the right time.” 

Tia Pepa raised her brow and touched his hand. “Mi amor, you need to be honest with him and yourself, or you may lose out on something so beautiful.” 

Eddie looked at her. “What? We are not like that– just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I am in love with my best friend who is bisexual,” Eddie told her. 

Pepa laughed. “Cariño, you’re loco. You don’t see it, but you will, Edmundo.” 

Both paused for a moment as they heard Christopher join them. Breakfast was already eaten, and they were waiting for Chris to finish packing. “You ready to go, mijo?” Eddie asked. 

Chris smiled. His curls were a mess and sticking up. Christopher had on a Star Wars shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. “Yeah, Dad! I packed my stuff.” Chris wrapped his arms around Eddie unexpectedly. 

Eddie stood and leaned down to hug him. “What’s that for?” Eddie asked. 

Chris smiled proudly. “You looked like you might need it.” 

Eddie sometimes could see Buck’s influence through Chris. He swore that was one of those moments. “You know I always need your hugs,” Eddie whispered against his curls. A loud “Mwah” as he kissed his head. 

Chris struggled. “Okay, way too sappy, Dad!” Chris whined. Eddie let him go. Eddie turned and smiled at Tia Pepa before going to help Chris. 

Eddie grabbed Christopher’s bag while he got his crutches and backpack. Chris slipped on the backpack and then used his crutches to guide himself. Eddie was so proud of how grown his son was, watching his independence grow into his teen years. 

Pepa hugged Chris, then she hugged Eddie. “Just think about what we talked about, ‘Mundo,” She told him. 

Eddie nodded. He pressed a kiss to her head. “I will. Thank you for always being here. I love you, we both do.” Eddie said. 

“I love you both,” Tia Pepa told them. 

The Diaz boys walked out. They got situated in the Prius. Chris played on his switch while Eddie drove. 

It took them about 20 minutes to get to the house. Chris unlocked the door while Eddie grabbed all three bags, including his LAFD duffle. He set them just inside the door.

Eddie sniffled a bit. “It smells like cookies?” Eddie said, confused. 

“Is Buck here?” Christopher asked. 

Eddie looked around confused. They walked towards the kitchen. “His truck isn’t here,” Eddie said. 

The two walked into the kitchen. There was a plate with chocolate chip cookies wrapped in plastic wrap. A folded note was on top of them. Eddie picked it up. He unfolded it. 

“Eddie, 

You guys weren’t here. I made extra cookies at the station. Hope you guys enjoy them! 

Tell Chris Hi!

-Buck” 

Eddie smiled and handed Chris a cookie. He folded the note back up and set it to the side. “They are from Buck. He made too many cookies and wanted to drop them off for us! He says hi!” Eddie said excitedly. Eddie grabbed a cookie. They cheered their cookies before they started to eat them. 

The two had their cookies and then went to their rooms. Eddie undressed and stripped down to his briefs. He pulled on sweats and crawled under the covers. He set his alarm for 1:00 P.M. 

Eddie let his mind wander to what Tia Pepa said earlier. Memories of Buck filled his mind. 

“Buck, there's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.”

“Because Evan, you came in here the other day and you said you thought it would have been better if it had been you who was shot. You act like you are expendable, but you’re wrong.”

Eddie’s eyes felt heavy. He finally fell asleep. Another dream of the mystery man plagued him.

Fingers brushed through curls, and Eddie smiled against his shoulder. The way their bodies melted together in bed. Legs were tangled under the sheets. 

Eddie moved onto his side, the body behind him wrapped their arms around his waist. He pulled Eddie back against his chest. His vision blurred. He felt taller, bulky, but beefy. He was colder than Eddie’s warmth. Lips pressed to the scar on Eddie’s shoulder where the bullet pierced years ago.  

Beep. 

Beep. 

Beep. 

“Fuck,” Eddie mumbled. Another dream about the curly-haired man. The way their bodies fit together. It felt so romantic and intimate. Eddie swore he could still feel the lips against his shoulder. He touched the spot. 

This dream was slowly killing him.  

Eddie got up. He slipped the sweats off. He pulled on jeans and a green cut-off tank top. He walked out to the hall. “Chris, you ready?” Eddie asked. 

“Almost!” Chris shouted. 

Eddie grabbed a travel mug and set the Hildy to brew. He rubbed his hands over his face. Once the coffee was done, he put the lid on. He walked to his son’s room. He knocked on the doorframe before stepping inside. 

“All set?” Eddie asked. 

Chris nodded. “This bag and my backpack,” Chris told him. 

Eddie grabbed both. He made sure his meds were situated before they left. 

Eddie drove to Hen’s and Karen’s. He dropped Chris off with them and hugged his son. 

Eddie sipped his coffee on the way back to the house. The coffee should wake him enough, but it didn’t. When he got home, he crawled back into bed and fell asleep.

-Saturday night-

Eddie slept until his next alarm went off at 6:00 P.M. Eddie got up and showered. The shower woke him up. He shaved his scruff and shaped his mustache. 

A beige Henley, jeans, and boots were put on. He fixed his hair and looked at the hair gel. He decided not to add hair gel. He didn’t even wanna think about washing it out later. 

Eddie ordered an Uber. He put his wallet in his back pocket. He checked his hair in the mirror as he waited. Once they got closer, Eddie walked outside. 

Once the Uber arrived, Eddie got inside. “Thanks, man,” Eddie told him. He buckled up and looked at his phone. 

Eddie pulled up his text thread. 

Eddie : Cookies were great. Thanks! 

Buck : Made extra for you guys! Have fun tonight! 

Eddie : You too!

Buck : Text me later so I know you aren’t drowning in your own puke. 

Eddie : I will! 

Eddie sat back in the car. He smiled as he looked at the map. He started to think about where Buck could be. 

Eddie smiled as the car stopped. “Thank you, be safe tonight,” Eddie told him. 

Eddie got out and went into the bar. Ravi waved from a table, and Eddie nodded. He walked over to him. “Hey!” Eddie said. 

“Hey! So wanna play quarters while we talk?” Ravi asked him. 

Eddie nodded. “I’ll get the first round,” Eddie told him. Eddie got up from the booth where the two were sitting. He walked over to the bar. 

Eric, the bartender, smiled at Eddie. “Hey, handsome, what can I get you?” Eric asked. Eddie noticed his nametag. Also, Eddie could appreciate a good-looking guy. That wasn’t what he was looking for tonight, but it was nice being noticed. Eric had brunette, almost black hair styled messily with barely any product. He wore a tight tank top with tattoos dipping under the tank top and a full sleeve on one arm. Eddie liked that about him. 

“Can I get four shots of tequila and two Dos Equis?” Eddie asked. The bartender nodded and got a tray for them. He filled it with the drinks. 

Eddie handed him the cash and then walked back to the table. He set it down and smiled at him. “So quarters?” Eddie asked. 

Eddie placed an empty glass in the middle of the table. Ravi put some quarters on the table. Eddie smiled and took one. He watched Ravi make the first one in. “Oh, Buck was right, that it's easier when you are sober,” Ravi said. 

Eddie laughed. “I feel like I am being hustled again. You really learned from the best,” Eddie told him. Eddie took a shot of tequila and sipped the beer to chase it. 

The two kept getting drinks and kept playing for a few hours. Once they were both pretty drunk, Eddie sighed. “Man, I wish Buck were here with us. He would be gloating about how drunk I am right now,” Eddie slurred with a laugh. 

Ravi laughed. “Or he’d be telling us about one of your stories,” Ravi teased Eddie with a smile. 

“One of my stories?” Eddie asked, confused. Eddie had heard bits about Buck and Ravi’s friendship blooming while he was in Texas. 

Ravi nodded. “Eddie has a Silver Star. Eddie would never do anything illegal. Word for word,” Ravi told him. 

Eddie’s eyes went wide. A blush covered his cheeks as he processed. “Wait, he told you I have a Silver Star?” Eddie asked. Eddie’s head tilted to the side. Eddie clearly wanted to hear more about this. 

“Yeah, he was a little over the top about some date you guys went on. I think it was a dinner and basketball game,” Ravi told him. 

Eddie looked at him. “Buck and I? We never went on a date. But we did use those tickets that Buck’s ex gave him as a horrible anniversary gift right before he broke up with Buck,” Eddie said. 

Ravi looked at him. “Oh yeah, Tommy, right?” Ravi asked. 

“Yeah, that guy,” Eddie said with a roll of his eyes. Eddie saw something flash on Ravi’s face. 

“I didn’t even realize that their breakup was like that,” Ravi told him. Ravi’s face showed guilt. 

“Ravi? What are you not telling me?” Eddie asked him curiously. 

Ravi chuckled nervously. “I don’t want you to get mad…” Ravi mumbled drunkenly. 

Eddie looked at him. “Why would I be mad? Did you like hook up with Tommy behind Buck’s back or something? I mean, he is kinda a sleaze,” Eddie admitted. 

Ravi laughed and downed the rest of his beer like it was a water bottle. “Yeah, total sleaze– and I am a dick,” Ravi was avoiding eye contact. 

Eddie looked at him wide-eyed. “Why?” Eddie asked a little too loudly. He took a long drink of his beer, and now he is concerned about Ravi and maybe Buck a little... or a lot. 

“You promise you won’t be mad?” Ravi said with a laugh. 

Eddie looked at him. “What on earth? Just tell me,” Eddie said, a little annoyed. 

Ravi ran his fingers through his curls. He chuckled a little nervously. “So the first time we hung out, he really wouldn’t stop mentioning you, and I ran into Tommy at the bar when I was grabbing us drinks. We talked a little and then—” Ravi said and stopped as Eddie’s eyes locked on his. 

“Tell me you did not bring him over to Buck, please, for the life of me, you did not leave our boy with Tommy,” Eddie said. 

“Ha! Ha! About that… I just walked over with Tommy, and I know I should have stayed, but Eddie, Buck looked kinda happy to see him, or I was just that drunk,” Ravi said with a soft laugh. 

“Ravi! That’s like against brocode!” Eddie said with a shake of his head. 

“Well, I mean I did see them get an Uber together, so that it couldn’t have been that bad,” Ravi told him. A hand under his chin as he tried to get Eddie not to be as mad. 

“I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. You promised to have his back while I was gone. That meant in and out of the job,” Eddie told him. Eddie probably sounded like a Dad scolding his son at that moment. Ravi wasn’t that much younger than Buck and Eddie. 

“I know. I apologized to him after,” Ravi sighed. 

Eddie processed what he was saying. Tommy had been a little smirky after the funeral. Eddie remembered Buck brushing him off and Tommy mentioning how Buck’s boy was back . Eddie looked up at Ravi. “Just try never to do that again. Buck deserves so much better than some guy who used him,” Eddie said a little too defensively. 

Okay, maybe he was a little mad? 

Eddie and Ravi went through the locations one last time before deciding to get Uber’s and head home. 

Eddie sat in the back of the Uber. Eddie looked at the text thread from a few months ago. One day, Buck texted him about wanting to talk later, but Buck never said what was bothering him, mainly because Eddie was in the middle of a breakdown about his own mother. 

Eddie was so mad that Tommy got to have Buck again.

Mad right, not jealous? 

Was Eddie jealous of Tommy? 

No, that couldn’t be it. Eddie just never imagined being able to live authentically as a gay man. Having someone as great as Buck. 

Eddie got out of the Uber and looked up at the sky. He wondered if Buck had a good night. He closed his phone, forgetting to text Buck that he made it home safe. He was that drunk.

Maybe going out with Ravi wasn’t Eddie’s most brilliant idea, yet. Apparently, Buck taught him how to play quarters, and Eddie was drunk, completely wasted. 

Eddie had stumbled into the house a little after 1:00 A.M. He kicked his boots off by the door, one boot ended up by the rack, and the other was somewhere between the couch and coffee table. Eddie didn’t care at that moment; he’d pick them up in the morning. 

Eddie sighed into the quiet house. Christopher was at Hen’s and Karen’s for a sleepover with Denny. Buck, well, he didn’t live there anymore. So the house was quiet except for Eddie trying not to kill himself from drunk stupidity. 

Eddie held the back of the couch as he stumbled towards the kitchen. Hydrate . Eddie walked in, and he reached up and grabbed a glass. He filled it with filtered water. Eddie drank the whole glass and made a face. Eddie’s head shook a little from tiredness and drunkenness. Eddie found a bag of chips and ate a few chips to sit on top of his stomach. Hoping he wouldn’t regret that later, but drunk Eddie wasn’t as responsible as sober Eddie. He sealed the bag and walked out of the kitchen. 

Eddie walked into the bathroom. He pulled off his shirt, then undid his pants without emptying the pockets, and slipped them off. He took his socks off. He put all the clothes into the hamper. Somehow, they all made it inside the hamper in his state. Eddie was a little proud. 

Eddie turned and used the bathroom. He then washed his hands and opened the face wash. The smell of apricot filled the room. He squeezed a little into his hand after wetting his face. He then massaged it into his face and shut his eyes. He rinsed his face. 

Eddie walked out of the bathroom. He walked down the hall and into his bedroom. He shut the door and went to his bed. He crawled under the covers and hummed. His brown eyes were heavy with sleep and his intoxication. Sleep consumed him almost instantly. Eddie fell into a deep sleep. His mind went back to the man from the past few dreams. 

Stubble scraped across Eddie’s chest, lips were sucking a mark into his skin. Eddie pressed into those lips, plump lips were pressing open-mouth kisses right along his ribs. A soft groan slipped from his lips. Eddie tangled his fingers into curls as those lips kissed lower. “Mm fuck,” Eddie moaned as lips pressed to his abs. He pulled slightly on the man's hair. The man groaned at the pull on his hair. 

Teeth dug into the trail of hair right below his belly button, and a soft whimper sounded from Eddie, even in his sleep. 

The man moved lower, his teeth digging into the waistband of Eddie’s briefs. He pulled his briefs down Eddie’s thighs, and Eddie sat up to help him. The briefs were tossed across the room. “You’re doing so good, Eddie.” The voice was so familiar, husky but familiar. That was the first time he heard them in the dream. “Do you have lube?” The voice asked. 

Eddie reached into the drawer and grabbed the bottle of lube. Eddie’s fingers shook slightly before handing it to the male. The cap was popped open with a loud pop. A squeeze sounded in the room, and Eddie felt the sensation between his cheeks. Eddie pulled his legs up over his shoulders. A finger slipped between his cheeks and then rubbed a little at his rim. 

“Take a breath for me,” the voice told him. Eddie took a breath and felt his first finger push past his rim. A whimper sounded from Eddie in his sleep. Eddie took another breath. “You look so needy like this right now, baby boy,” the voice told him. 

The finger pushed deeper, just past the knuckles. Eddie wiggled down against it, his eyes fluttering as he felt a large hand press his hips down against the bed. “Not yet,” he told Eddie. 

Eddie pouted slightly at the loss of contact, before a second slicked-up finger was added next to the first. Eddie breathed in and out slowly. The stretch felt good, like a burning sensation, and Eddie swore he saw stars. He had used toys before, but this was intimate and raw. “You’re opening so beautifully for me. Do you think you can handle another, baby boy?” Eddie’s eyes were flicking around a little in the dream. He couldn’t focus on the face. Maybe there was a reason, his subconscious not wanting him to realize who it was. 

Eddie was so far gone in a deep sleep that he didn’t even hear the car door close or his front door open and close. 

“Y-yes,” he mumbled both in his sleep and in the dream to the voice. Luckily for Eddie, the person who walked into his house didn’t hear that. 

A third slicked finger pushed into him. Eddie was pressed into the bed as he felt that finger working in and out of him, and then stars, he saw stars and everything holy in his life. The fingers pressed that spot inside him, and his prostate felt everything. Eddie whimpered in his sleep once more. 

Eddie didn’t hear the sound of footsteps outside his room. Or the closet door open and close after someone retrieved something from it. 

Eddie was leaking so much against his stomach, even in his sleep. The sensation of that pleasure was just so good to him. The fingers worked in and out, brushing his prostate until they weren’t. “Do you wanna sit on my lap? It might be better for your first time.” The voice was soft, gentle, and… oh. That voice was so familiar now. 

Eddie nodded. The man laid down. Eddie heard him open the lube and spread some over his cock. He sat up and straddled his waist. Eddie slowly pressed the cock between his cheeks as he grabbed it. His rim pressed against the thick head. He let his head fall back as he slowly pushed more into himself. His fingers slipped over his arms. “Go slow as you need.” The voice told him. 

Eddie rolled his hips slowly, guiding himself down on that cock. He gasped as he finally felt it. That whole thick cock was planted deep within him. He did a few slow movements, and his hips tested what felt good. Eddie’s ass slapped off the thick thighs. 

Eddie’s hips worked, and he felt arms gripping his waist. He took one of them into his hand, their fingers laced, and Eddie’s eyes focused on his arms. Two lines. Two lines that seemed to match the writing on his arm, like the paper that was missing. “Oh fuck,” Eddie moaned. 

Eddie gasped and sat up in his bed. He looked around the empty room. His cock was straining against his briefs. He got up and grabbed his sweats. He pulled them up and decided to get water. 

Eddie walked out into the hall and saw the light from the TV on. Eddie was sure he didn’t turn the TV on. So he walked down the hall towards the living room. 

Eddie walked into the living room. His eyes scanned the dark room and noticed the couch had a blanket on it. As he walked closer, he noticed a figure and two shoes. It couldn’t be Christopher since he was at a sleepover. 

Eddie touched the blanket and saw the person roll to face him. “What are you doing here?” He asked. 

Chapter Text

Things were complex. When weren’t things complex for Evan Buckley, though? He was a disaster as a bisexual who had been out for over a year and a half and still didn’t really connect the word bisexual to his vocabulary. It took joining the Hawthorne Firehouse to really understand what being attracted to multiple genders meant. 

Not to mention Buck having a slight bi-panic whenever he was around Jay and Ashley, with whom he was quickly becoming close. Buck was pretty sure Jay was practically the 1.0 version of himself, and well, Ashley could probably ruin his life with one smile. 

Maybe, Buck had a smidge of a crush on Ashley. She was pretty, strong, and she could beat him in a rope test any day during drills. Yes, they did race once. 

Buck had therapy with Dr. Harris again. This therapist was LGBTQIA+ friendly and was amazing with grief. Dr. Harris had started Buck on Adderall a few months ago, and now he was on Zoloft for his depression and anxiety. They were still working through the correct dose for him, but he was feeling a bit better. 

Three months ago, Buck was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Dr. Harris was the big reason that Buck started to do the testing and find out why he would sometimes go on these spins. Since he started taking medicine, a lot of people have noticed that he is doing a lot better. 

Buck did what he always did: set a reminder on his phone and remember to take his medicine at the same time every day. Sometimes he’d get hyperfixated on this, and his RSD would get bad. He still had that feeling he would always be the one left, so maybe that was why he left the 118, and maybe why he left Eddie’s house before Eddie could kick him out.  

-6 Weeks after leaving the 118, Tuesday-

On Tuesdays, Buck would meet with Dr. Harris. They would go for a walk in the botanical garden near her office. Buck loved stopping to look at different flowers, and she would record their conversations to make it easier to take notes. Buck had issues with the office setting since his first therapist took advantage of who Buck was at that time. 

“Buck, have you tried talking to Eddie about how you feel?” Dr. Harris asked as Buck stopped to look at a pretty sunflower. Buck took his phone out and snapped a picture of it as a bee landed to pollinate it. 

Buck took a breath before he turned to face her. “I’m not really sure that is the best idea. Oh hey, best friend of 7 years, I know that this thing is kinda platonic between us… but I think somewhere between meeting you and you leaving for Texas, I figured out that it wasn’t platonic on my side,” Buck told her. 

Dr. Harris looked at him with that one look where Buck knew she was about to drop some hard truths. “I wouldn’t exactly say it like that, Buck. Maybe try something a little more about needing to set healthy boundaries for yourself,” She reminded him.  

Buck nodded. “Eddie, I’m sorry that I am having a hard time being around you right now. I just need a little space to figure things out?” Buck asked, unsure. 

“Well, that was a bit better. Do you think he wouldn’t feel the same about you?” She asked him softly. 

Buck turned to look at the flowers. “I’m not sure. Eddie has always been straight as far as I know. I mean, there are times when he looks like he wants to say something, but I don’t know. He was raised in a very conservative house. I know he doesn’t have the same values as his parents, but he’s struggled with things in the past.” Buck sounded sad, and he knew it. He was playing with one of the leaves on the flower. 

She hummed. “Okay, that can be hard. You also told me you never really understood your own sexuality. You said that when you were younger, you used sex to cope. Now, as a more mature version of yourself, you have developed this understanding of what being attracted to both men and women means to you. Now with your heart on a certain man, do you think that you are in a place to date again?” She asked. 

Buck thought for a moment. “I think if the right person came along. Maybe? I am not really actively looking. I think that I need to get over these feelings I have for Eddie to understand them fully.” Buck told her.

The two started back on the pack. “What does the right person look like for you?” She asked him. 

Buck tilted his head and thought for a minute. He kept walking. “I think it would have to be a good person. Someone who is sure of themselves and doesn’t put others down. Someone who is kind, cares for people, and understands that I’m grieving someone who was more like a father to me than my own,” Buck told her. 

Eddie is most of those things. 

He knew that Eddie checked every good box except one. 

Eddie was straight. 

“That sounds like a good thing to look for. Healthy compared to the last person you told me about,” Dr. Harris told Buck. She then stopped and thought for a moment. “Are you comfortable talking about your Captain this time?” She asked. 

Buck stopped and took a seat on the bench. He felt like he was punched in the gut as she asked. “What exactly do you want me to talk about?” He asked her,

Dr. Harris took a seat next to him, but there was professional distance between them. “Buck, the last few sessions have been about everything but your grief. I want you to talk about that. To work on that.” Dr. Harris told him. 

Buck played with the end of his shirt. He could feel Dr. Harris looking at him. “It doesn’t feel any better. Maybe Chim was right that going through it alone wouldn’t be any easier. When I’m at the 162, I don’t feel like a piece of me is broken. I laugh with the team. I’m making some good friends there,” Buck told her. 

Buck was building a new identity outside of the 118. Buck didn’t just lose Bobby that day. Buck lost the one father figure who actually gave a damn about him. Buck never had that from Philip, and of course, his parents barely acknowledged him when he tried to reach out after. Margaret couldn’t really be bothered to mother her son one bit. They were more focused on Maddie and the baby. Buck knew he shouldn’t have reached out. 

“What you are describing is creating a new identity outside of what you lost with Bobby and potentially with the 118. Do you regret leaving?” Dr. Harris asked him honestly. 

Buck thought for a moment. “I’m not sure I could be around them without completely falling apart. I thought what I was doing was the best thing for me, for them. They deserve to find strength, and I feel like Eddie was constantly walking around worried that I would fall apart. He would hover, and that can’t be healthy for him. He’s grieving Bobby, too.” Tears were streaming down Buck’s face, and he was trying not to fully sob as he spoke about Bobby and the grief he felt. 

Buck felt weak. Buck felt like opening up that hole in his chest was not fair. Bobby told him they would need him. Buck let Bobby down by leaving the 118 in his mind. 

Dr. Harris nodded. She was pulling out her phone to send him a text. “I just sent you a link to this e-book that I think would be really good for you to read. You take a lot of everyone else’s grief on. You need to be able to take care of yourself to take care of others. Before the next session, I want you to go and talk to Eddie, even if it’s on a call or in person. I need you to tell him how you are feeling about things, even if it's not about the big feelings thing. I think he’s been your biggest rock for the last 7 years. You need him even if you think you don’t right now,” Dr. Harris told him. 

Buck wiped his face, and he nodded. “I will try to reach out. I think I am in a better place now,” Buck admitted to her. He wiped under his eyes again. “Dr. Harris, thank you for doing these trips here with me. I don’t know if I ever told you that this really helps me feel like therapy is working,” Buck admitted. 

Dr. Harris nodded. “Of course, Buck. Same time next week?” She asked. 

Buck nodded. “That should work. I’ll let you know if my schedule changes,” Buck told her. 

The two parted ways. Buck went to his truck, and he sat in it. He looked at a text that Eddie sent him. 

Eddie : Hope therapy was good. Thinking of you. 

Buck breathed out and hit the FaceTime button. He set the phone on the hands-free holder on his dashboard. 

Eddie answered on the third ring. “Hey!” Eddie was shirtless, and Buck wanted to throw himself out the window. 

Holy fuck. 

Eddie is trying to kill me. 

Buck hadn’t started to drive yet; his eyes stared at the chest that glistened with sweat. “Hey, working out?” Buck asked. 

Can I lick you? 

Eddie nodded and wiped his chest with a towel. 

Noooo, that’s my job towel. Am I jealous of a towel?

 “Yeah, just in the garage, hitting the bag a bit.” Eddie was pulling off his gloves. 

“I can call you back later. I don’t–” Buck was interrupted. Buck made a face of annoyance as Eddie interrupted Buck’s thoughts. 

“No, Buck. You know I texted you to check on you,” Eddie said with a smile. 

Buck’s eyes were puffy and swollen from crying in therapy. “Well, you don’t always have to check on me, I am fine, Eddie,” Buck told him. 

“You know that I can see you, right?” Eddie asked. Eddie was carrying the phone into the house, and then he walked down the hall. Buck could tell he was going to his room. 

“I know. I just don’t want to be a bother,” Buck said honestly. After therapy, it was the best time for Eddie to talk to Buck. Buck’s walls would be down, and that’s when he could get through to Buck. 

“Stop, you are not a bother. I always wanna hear from you. Always,” Eddie told him. Eddie plopped onto the bed and placed the phone on his pillow as he faced it. 

Buck was smiling as he started to drive to his apartment. “I know. I miss you, Eddie. I’m sorry that I’ve been so busy,” Buck told him honestly. 

Eddie nodded. “Are you driving?” Eddie asked him. 

Buck nodded. “Yeah, I was going to head to my place and do some laundry or bake?” Buck told him. 

Bake because I am depressed and don’t want you to know. 

“Or….” Eddie started.

I could drive across town to you. 

“Or you want me to come over?” Buck asked. 

Eddie nodded shyly. “I would, if you are up to it?” Eddie asked. 

Buck smiled a little. “I guess I could put off that for a bit,” Buck told him. 

Eddie nodded. “See you soon?” Eddie asked. 

“Yeah, of course. Like 40 minutes probably,” Buck told him. 

Eddie nodded. “Bye, Buck,” Eddie said, and the call ended. 

-Wednesday, 7th shift with the 162-

Buck had another 9:00 AM shift. He had no complaints about working a little later than normal. It means that he got to do some stuff before starting his shift. They were outside the typical 5:00 AM or 7:00 AM start time he was used to at the 118. 

Even though he didn’t need to be in until 9:00 AM, Buck decided to head in a couple of hours early to get a workout in. He knew that C-shift was probably finishing up their days and wouldn’t be in the gym. Buck went to his locker and dropped his duffle at his feet. He could hear Ashley giving Jay a hard time while they were warming up. 

Buck changed out of his jeans and t-shirt. He pulled on his LAFD shorts and a tank top he usually wore to work out in. He shoved his duffle into his locker and grabbed his AirPods out. He pulled up the playlist he wanted and walked out to the gym. 

Ashley was waiting for him when he walked out. “Good Morning, Buck,” Ashley said with a cheerful smile. That was not Buck’s vibe this morning, but he would smile. 

“Good morning, Ash,” Buck told her. He then nodded at Jay, who was loading a machine across the gym area. Buck was stretching his leg out a bit before he started his run on the treadmill. 

“After you are done with the treadmill, do you wanna join us?” Ashley asked hopefully. Buck could tell she was scheming for something. He wasn’t quite sure what yet. 

Buck took a long look at Ashley. Ashley was beautiful, and Buck would have to be dead to notice that. She had a lot of traits that Taylor had, but she was different. “Wait, what?” Buck asked, clearly distracted by his attraction for a moment. 

Ashley laughed. She gently rolled her eyes as she turned. “Go run Forrest. Jay and I will be working out, waiting,” She told him. Ashley went to meet with Jay in the gym.

Buck was stretching his other leg as he watched her walk away. Ashley had an effect on a lot of guys, but Buck really enjoyed their friendship. He didn’t want to mess it up. 

Jay laughed across the gym at him. “Put your tongue back in your mouth, lover boy!” Jay said loudly. 

Buck blushed. “Shut up!” He muttered. Buck then turned to the treadmill. He put his AirPods back in and stepped onto the treadmill. He went through the programs until he found the rolling hills one. 

Buck hit the green start button, and the machine came to life. He started walking as the machine warmed up. Down Bad by Taylor Swift started playing in his ears. 

How fitting? 

“Now I'm down bad crying at the gym, Everything comes out teenage petulance” 

The machine started to roar to life as Buck’s mind started to wander a bit. After hanging with Eddie yesterday, he couldn’t get him off his mind. All he could think about was how flushed his cheeks had gotten when Buck was talking about his new house and how attractive some of the team was. Buck was almost certain that Eddie had been jealous. 

Buck’s mind was wandering again. Buck was watching Jay and Ashley, but his mind was elsewhere. Eddie was starting to look more and more comfortable in his skin again. The last time Buck saw Eddie like this was right around the time that Buck realized he was bisexual and started dating someone new. 

Buck had another dream about Eddie. They were partners again. Buck never got to have Eddie like that, but he knew that Eddie would be the perfect partner for him. Eddie was patient with Buck most of the time. Eddie would be the perfect partner for Buck for a multitude of reasons, but one of them was how organized Eddie could be when it came to remembering things. Like how every Tuesday, like clockwork, Eddie would text Buck about his therapy appointments to make sure he was okay. They had been in this situation for 7 years, Buck knew how this would end, with him heartbroken over his straight best friend. 

“What if I can’t have him?” 

Eddie remembered everything about Buck, but the one thing that stuck out the most? Buck had died for three minutes and seventeen seconds when he was struck by lightning. Why did Eddie remember the exact amount of time that Buck’s heart stopped? Every time Buck thought about that, part of him ached for Eddie. Buck didn’t even dare to ask Eddie how he felt that day, when Buck almost died for real that time. 

“I might just die; it would make no difference.” 

Wet tears rolled down Buck’s cheeks as he ran. The pain in Buck’s ankle was present, but that didn’t stop him. Buck was breathing out as tears fell down his chin. A little pain to always remember that day, the day Eddie held his hand as a firetruck laid on his ankle. The pain of nearly losing the one thing that always mattered to him. The one thing that was his life was firefighting. 

Another memory flooded, Eddie standing across from him. The sound of a sniper shot, then blood spraying his face. The feeling of Eddie’s blood in his mouth. Buck swore he tasted that copper in his mouth to this day when he thought about when Eddie was shot.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. 

“Down bad, waking up in blood, staring at the sky, come back and pick me up.”

Buck gasped as he tried to shake the feeling of Eddie bleeding out in the back of the firetruck. 

“Just stay with me, okay?

“Are you hurt?”

“No, no, I’m good. Hey, you just hang on.”

The feeling of Eddie slipping away. Buck hadn’t ever experienced something so shocking, and he probably knew then that he had feelings for Eddie, but he was with Taylor at that time. Eddie never seemed to like Taylor. During that time, she was Buck’s rock as he waited to find out if Eddie would come back to him. 

“3 minutes away, we are so close, we are so close actually. I need you to hang on. I need you to hang on.”

Buck shook his head to clear it of that memory. Jay and Ashley seemed to watch him across the gym. He smiled at them both and pushed harder. He increased the speed of the treadmill almost like a punishment for thinking about that day. 

“What if I can’t have us?” 

Buck felt the treadmill change angles. Buck’s leg could feel the burn, but he kept going, ignoring that chronic pain. 

“I might just not get up, I might stay down bad.” 

Buck stepped on the sides of the treadmill and looked up. He was so down bad for Edmundo Diaz. Buck needed a distraction. Buck needed to see if he could find something that could occupy his thoughts besides Eddie. 

Buck stood there for a moment, gripping his water bottle, and then unscrewed the top. He took a long drink and a little ran down his chin. The song finally switched. 

Since when was Down Bad twelve hours long?  

Another depressing song played, Therapy Sessions by NF was in his ears. 

“I'm trying to deal with depression.” 

Buck knew why he was pulling away from Eddie. He didn’t want to burden him. The words that Bobby told him were a constant reminder that Buck was not living up to what Bobby had wanted for him in his final moments. 

“You’re gonna be okay, Buck, remember that. They’re gonna need you, I love you, kid.”  

“Cap, uh, Bobby, you were wrong. You said I’d be okay when I’m not and they don’t need me.”

Buck was spiraling, and he felt like he was alone because he had to be strong; it was what Bobby had asked of him. 

“I-I-I keep on trying to reach out, but everyone is just spinning away.”

“Everything is falling apart, and I don’t know how to fix it.”  

Bobby would be so disappointed in me if he saw how I ran. 

All the pressure from Bobby’s words in his head. Buck put this pressure to be strong on. A misunderstanding of what Bobby really wanted. 

“I’m trying to deal with the pressure.” 

Therapy was supposed to help, right? Nothing seemed to help Buck. He was still spiraling, and everyone kept slipping further and further away. They hadn’t even had that family dynamic when Buck decided to transfer out. 

“But what do you expect from a therapy session, huh?”

There was no magic. There was no number of SSRIs to account for the loss of Robert Wade Nash. Buck swallowed hard as he pushed himself harder. Grief was a bitch and Buck knew it had to get better right? 

You can’t let Bobby down.

Buck breathed through his thoughts and then slowed the treadmill down. He walked as his heart pounded. The screen flashes with Cooldown starting. 

Buck pulled his AirPods out and put them in the case. “Ash, you guys doing legs?” Buck asked across the station gym. 

Ashley looked over at him as Jay was using the leg press. “Yeah! You want to rotate in?” She asked. 

Buck stopped the treadmill and stepped off. He grabbed his water and wiped his face with a towel. “Yeah, that works.” Buck walked over to them. 

Jay set the weights back, and Ashley and Jay moved the plates to what she wanted to lift, which was just slightly less than what he had just had on there. “Hey, Buck,” Jay said. 

Ashley started lifting. “Hey man! Thanks for letting me crash your guys' workout,” Buck told him. 

Jay gave Buck a fist bump. “Anytime, I need another to show off to for Ash,” Jay joked. 

Ashley laughed and shook her head. Buck helped her rack the weights again. Buck grabbed a couple of plates and added them before taking the seat on the press. He pulled the lever once he was in place. 

“So, Buck, do you want to hit a club with us Saturday night?” Ashley asked while Jay was watching Buck. 

“Sure, where?” Buck asked as he moved to rack the weights with Jay’s help. 

“The Abbey?” Jay asked with a grin. A gay bar. It was not just any gay bar; it was The Abbey.

“That’s in Weho’s gay district, right?” Buck asked like he didn’t know, he did. Buck had been to a drag show in that area before with Ravi, Karen, and Hen once. 

“Yeah, that one!” Ashley said as she stood near them. 

“I’m down, let’s do it,” Buck told them. 

The three of them chatted about plans and ideas for what to wear. They were excited about their pride night out at The Abbey. Buck finally had a label for what he was; meeting Jay and Ashley was a great thing for him. Buck had more queer friends who were also single. 

Once they finished up their leg day, they went to shower and change for their shift. During the shift, Eddie and Buck made plans to hang out next week. 

- Friday, Hanging with Chris - 

Friday afternoon, Buck pulled up to the high school where Chris’ robotics camp was being held. He couldn’t believe his Chris was about to enter high school. A freshman . When did this kid turn into a teenager ? 

Buck smiled as Chris put his crutches and backpack into the backseat of the truck. “Hi, Buck!” Chris was excited, and so was Buck. He missed Chris so much when he was in Texas that anytime Chris would ask him to hang out, of course, he would. 

“Hey Chris! Are you excited for our bros night?” Buck said with a grin. Okay, maybe that was too lame, but Chris was rolling his eyes. So, for Buck? That was a win. 

“You are so lame, just like Dad,” Chris said with a laugh. He climbed into the truck and buckled up. 

Buck pulled away from the curb and started the drive towards Eddie’s. “I was thinking we could order some pizza and wings? Play some video games and watch some Marvel?” Buck suggested. 

Chris nodded. “That sounds great!” Chris was excited, and Buck was glad. That kid had been through a lot in his 14 years of life. All Buck wanted to do was to make him have a fun night. 

As they drove, Buck let Chris decide what music to listen to. Chris turned to Buck as the car stopped at Dutch Bros. “Are you and Dad fighting?” Chris asked bluntly. 

Buck turned to him with a confused look. “Huh?” He asked. 

Chris looked at him. “Buck, Hen, and Ravi are taking turns checking on him. I just don’t get it. You were always here before I left, and when we got back, Dad just looked like a kicked puppy,” Chris told him. 

Guilt covered Buck’s face at the thought of the sadness and confusion that both Diaz boys must be feeling. “Oh, we aren’t fighting. I just needed a little time to figure things out. You know how Bobby is gone and I j-just don’t wanna make your Dad sad. I know you deserve him to be okay,” Buck told him. 

Chris touched Buck’s shoulder. Buck swore he saw Eddie in that moment as they pulled the truck around in the line. “Well, my Dad needs you. I know you don’t understand everything, but he’s being patient with you. Buck, you need to figure out what you need and be honest,” Chris told him. 

“Okay, so when did you get so wise?” Buck asked with a laugh. 

Chris let his hand fall. “I think I was always wise; I just got better with age,” Chris admitted. 

Buck laughed as they got their drinks from the window. Buck handed Chris his and then the straw. “Don’t tell your Dad I loaded you up on sugar and caffeine. He might murder me,” Buck said with a laugh as they drove towards the house. 

Chris laughed. “Maybe, but you get to deal with me, hyper,” Chris told him proudly. 

A short while later, the two were at the Diaz house. Buck had made them quesadillas when they got back as a snack. Both of them were hungry, and Buck knew that it was too early for him to order them dinner. They ate the quesadilla at the kitchen table, chatting a little about robotics. 

“Did you guys come up with a design for that competition you were texting me about?” Buck asked Chris. Buck took a bite of the quesadilla as they sat next to each other. 

“We did! I’m on the programming team, and I’m learning how to use Python,” Chris told Buck. He was eating between sentences. 

“Oh, that’s cool. So you will be doing programming? I know you said that you took a couple of classes at the school in El Paso for programming,” Buck told him. Buck had done some research on it. Buck always had to do research to try to understand what Chris was talking about. 

Eddie kept asking him questions the other day when they hung out. The two had sat in front of Eddie’s laptop, and Buck looked up so many things. They found out how the robots were made, what programming language was used, and how the competitions went. 

Chris nodded. “Yeah, exactly! We are building a racing bot. I would love one day to make a more complex one, but maybe once I am really on the robotics team,” Chris told him. 

Buck nodded. “Well, your Dad and I are already planning how to sneak off to your meet in San Diego, he sounded so proud when he told me the other day,” Buck told him. 

Chris looked at Buck with wide eyes. “Really? Dad wants to go?” Chris asked. 

Buck nodded. “Of course he does, just like when he went to see you play chess. He wants to support you in anything you do, bud,” Buck reassured him. 

Chris smiled at him. “I just thought he’d think it was lame,” Chris told him. 

“It’s not lame. It’s so cool, and your Dad wants to know everything that you are passionate about.” Buck touched his arm. 

Chris finished up his quesadilla and nodded his head. “Yeah, I guess it’s not as lame as ballroom dancing,” Chris said, then covered his mouth. 

Ballroom dancing? 

“Wait! Who did ballroom dancing?” Buck asked with a smirk. Buck could see the little wheels in Chris’s head working to try to get himself out of this conversation with Buck. 

Chris coughed. “Oh wow, is that my phone ringing?” Chris asked and pretended to get up. Buck grabbed his arm gently, making him stay in the chair. 

“No, Christopher Diaz, did Eddie do ballroom dancing?” Buck asked enthusiastically. A smile was on Buck’s lips as he stared at Chris. 

Chris looked like a deer caught in headlights. “I—— I thought Dad told you everything!” Chris said in shock. Buck’s mouth fell open in shock. 

Eddie did ballroom dancing. 

Eddie was in competitions? 

Eddie had moves when he wasn’t goofing off. Eddie loved to dance, but then he said he didn’t anymore. 

“Oh no, he didn’t tell me this,” Buck knew he sounded shocked. Buck was amused that Eddie still had layers he didn’t know about. 

Eddie hated Chris staying in his old room. 

Chris looked at him. “But Dad tells you everything?” Chris sounded a little scared. 

Buck laughed. “Well, not this? Did he do competitions?” Buck asked curiously. 

Chris nodded his head. “Yeah, his room at my Abuelitos had all these trophies from a long time ago,” Chris told him.

Trophies? Eddie had trophies for dancing? 

Buck cleared his throat a little. “Wow, good for him,” Buck said proudly. 

“I’m gonna go play my switch with some friends for a bit,” Chris said and ran from the room before he could get any more questions thrown at him from Buck, and Buck knew it. 

Buck would pack this away for something to ask Eddie about one day. 

Ballroom dancing? I bet he was adorable. 

While Buck cleaned up from their snack, Chris was on a FaceTime call. Chris figured it was his friend from El Paso he mentioned a few times recently. The two were laughing and playing some game on the Switch. Buck had missed the sound of Chris’laugh ' laugh. Buck was glad that Chris was back in California. He had missed the little Diaz so much. 

Once Buck was done washing up, he walked out and plopped down on the couch. He pulled his phone out and sent a text to Eddie. 

Buck : Chris is excited about us coming to his competition in the fall.

Eddie : 👍

Eddie :  Amazing! How are you? Do you guys need anything?  

Buck looked at the phone. Part of him wanted to ask about the dancing, but decided against it. 

Buck : I’m good. We both are. I got it.

Buck : How’s shift? 

Buck : Any crazy calls? 

Eddie : We had to extract a patient from a fence. They had gotten stuck when trying to squeeze through. Chest compressed. It was brutal.  

Buck winced at the thought of his own chest being compressed. Buck replied. 

Buck : Ouch. Well good thing they have almost Paramedic Diaz on the case. 🚑

Eddie : You just get a kick out of calling me that. 

Buck : Maybeeeeee. But you know that you are a badass veteran Silver Star wearing medic, and soon you will be a Paramedic. 

Eddie : You and that Silver Star. ⭐

Buck : You mean your totally badass star? 

Buck : If I had one everyone would know! 

Eddie : Yeah, yeah. You just wish you had one. 😛

Buck : Maybe I can borrow yours like Chris did? 🥺

Eddie : If you can find it. 

Buck : I’m at your house right now, wanna bet? 😈

Eddie : Evan Buckley, privacy of my house. 

Buck : What privacy? I have a key to your house. 

Eddie : Really? 

Buck : Gotta go search your drawers for your secrets. 😆

Eddie : Buck, I swear. 

Buck : Ooooh Dad is getting maaaaad. 😘

Eddie : You are a brat. 

Buck nearly fell off the couch when Chris walked in. “You know you giggle like a teen?” Chris told him. Buck’s mouth falls open and then closes again. Buck can feel the blush seeping up his neck, but he doesn’t say anything as another ding comes in. 

Eddie : Gotta go troublemaker, alarm again. 

Buck looked at Chris, then at the text. “I was texting your Dad. Sorry!” Buck said with a smile. 

Buck : Stay safe, see you tomorrow. Text if you get bored. 

Chris and Buck sat on the couch. “Buck, can we watch Hotshots?” Chris asked. 

Buck laughed. “Sure, if that’s what you really wanna watch?” Buck asked. 

Chris plopped down on the couch next to Buck. “It’s my comfort show,” Chris said with a smile. 

“Do you need a comfort show?” Buck asked, concerned. He grabbed the remote and pulled the blanket around them. 

“No, I just like watching it for any mood,” Chris said. Chris snuggled up against Buck’s side like he did when he was little. Part of his heart melted as he remembered how small Chris could be, even as a teenager. 

Buck started episode 1, and the two of them were quiet and sat there watching the scenes. Buck actually enjoyed watching unrealistic scenes, in which Eddie would probably dissect the realism. 

The two sat there and watched the show together. Once 5:00 PM hit, Buck decided to pause the show so they could order dinner. It was Friday, so it’s probably an hour before it gets to them anyway. They ordered two different pizzas and wings. 

They started the show back up after Buck ordered, and they sat snuggled up. Chris would tell him random facts about the show, and they would pause to talk theories about things. Buck loved how excited Chris would get about his comfort show and sharing that with his cool Buck. 

After the pizza and wings got there, the two paused and ate at the dining room table. They chatted a little, but both of them were really invested in talking about Hotshots together, even if Buck kind of wanted to ask more questions about Eddie and ballroom dancing. 

Once they finished up, the two went and sat back on the couch. Buck held Chris as he was texting Ashley. 

Ashley : So Jay and I tried to talk Rico into coming, but he said that he’s too old to babysit us youngins. 

Buck chuckled and liked the message before he replied. 

Buck : I can hear it almost as much as when he is partnered with me. I think he prefers that Jay and I work together. 

Ashley : omg I thought on Wednesday he was going to have a heart attack.

Ashley : Why are you off tonight? It’s so boring without you! Jay keeps trying to make me do TikTok trends. 

Ashley : Do you think they would know if I casually push him down the stairs, on purpose? 

Buck smiled as he read her messages. Chris was watching Hot Shots next to him on the Diaz couch. He responded. Buck 😀 reacted to the last two. 

Around 8:00 PM, Buck stretched and went to put the food up. He went to the kitchen and put away the leftover pizza in the fridge in a bag and wrote “Eddie eat” on the Ziploc before setting it inside the fridge.

Buck : Hanging with my best friend’s kid. His great aunt was busy, and he’s still a little too young in his eyes to be home alone. Plus, he begged, and I can never say no to this kid. 

~Buck attached a photo of Chris and him on the couch, they were snuggled up under a blanket and smiling big.~ 

Buck : Also, don’t murder Jay. Who’s going to flirt with me in front of the housewives asking me for numbers on calls if he’s dead? 

Ashley : His hair looks like yours. It’s crazy. Almost looks like your kid. 

Ashley : Fineeee. I still miss your dumb face. 

Buck coughed a little. That wasn’t the first time that he had someone assume that. Buck smiled and responded. Chris was looking at him, and his eyes were heavy, but Buck didn’t dare question the teen at nearly 10:00 PM. 

Buck : Nah, he gets that from his late mom. By what his Dad said when she was younger, she had some pretty curly hair. 

Buck : You miss me? 

Chris fell asleep, and Buck picked him up carefully. Even at 14, Buck would still take him to the bedroom. He laid Chris in the bed and carefully tucked him in. He pressed a kiss to his curls and smiled down at him. Buck walked out of the room and shut the lights off. He closed the door carefully. 

Buck grabbed the pillow from the hall closet and walked to the living room. He set it on the couch with the blanket they were using earlier. Buck sat on the couch and looked at the picture next to the TV on the wall. One of them, Eddie, and Chris, a few years ago. A smile spread on his lips. 

Buck got up after a few minutes and walked down the hall. He went into Eddie’s room and looked inside. A part of him wondered if he would be able to get over that man. He walked inside and fixed a corner of the bed that was untucked. 

Buck looked around the room for a minute. Just 3 months ago, this was his room, and he remembered where he had everything set up. It almost mirrored how Eddie had the room set up. Nothing really changed much in the house. The two were almost identical in their furniture aesthetic. 

Buck then went and laid on the couch. The pillow was snug under Buck’s head, and he crashed out. Buck slept pretty well, but he had one of those dreams. Maybe it was being in Eddie’s house, or maybe it was just that he could never fully get over him. 

Buck laughed as Eddie touched him. Eddie had his hand on his pulse point while Buck was looking into his eyes. There was a possessiveness. Eddie’s touch while they talked. 

Buck was staring at him as his fingers dug into his hip, and he pulled Buck closer on the couch. The same couch where Buck was currently sleeping. Buck felt his body press forward, and then he felt the best feeling ever. 

Eddie kissed Buck, and it was intense and not anything he had ever felt before. Eddie was trying to dominate the kiss, but Buck didn’t let him. No, he pulled Eddie onto his lap. A kiss lingered as he pushed his tongue into his mouth. Their tongues rubbed against each other, fighting for who was actually in control in that moment. Buck pulled back after a moment. He looked up at Eddie with wide eyes. Brown eyes were blown wide as they looked back into his blue eyes. 

Buck hummed before he leaned forward and kissed along Eddie’s jaw. “You know how good you look? I’ve waited years for you to kiss me,” Buck mumbled. A simple bite against his pulse point. His lips sucking into Eddie’s neck. 

“Fuck, Buck.. Buck,” Eddie was grinding down against Buck's thigh. Buck had never seen his best friend so needy. Buck pressed his thigh up more to give Eddie that release he needed, some pressure to give him just enough to get off on. 

“You’re so needy, baby boy,” Buck whispered against his collar. Buck pulled off Eddie’s shirt and tossed it behind them. Both were just in that moment. 

“You know I haven’t been with anyone in a year. I am,” Eddie mumbled and whined. Buck was enjoying that too much. 

A soft groan sounded from Buck’s lips as he sat up. He heard something and decided to check what it was. Buck walked through the house, and Chris was still asleep. Eddie wasn’t home, so he went and peeked out the little window on the door. Buck didn’t see anything and guessed it was an animal or something, not alarming.  

Another dream about Eddie, and this time it was something he really wanted to dream about. He felt so dirty and guilty for even thinking like that. Buck went to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. He jumped into the shower and turned the cold water on to deprive himself of his dirty thoughts. 

Why do I keep having these dreams about Eddie?

Ugh.  

Buck was tempted to touch himself, but the cold water was helping. His eyes shut as the cold water washed over him.  

His eyes, his lips, the way his scruff could feel against my face as we kiss. I just wish he weren’t straight. 

Buck breathed in as he felt himself growing hard again. The way Eddie had that effect on him. Buck knew he could never let Eddie know that unless he knew for sure that he wasn’t straight. 

Fuck. 

Nothing is working at that very moment. Buck was sexually frustrated with Eddie. Why was this man so damn sexy? Eddie’s hair was ungelled lately and free of product in it, and Buck saw that he was growing his mustache back again. 

Mustache. Eddie looked so good with that damn thing on his face. 

I wonder what it would look like with his lips around my cock. It wasn’t even fully grown in yet. But I bet it would look lovely. 

That was just enough imagery for Buck to decide to touch himself in his best friend’s shower. 

I’m going to hell. 

Buck leaned back against the shower wall. His hand slid down his stomach. He wrapped his hand around his cock. He moved his hand slowly.

The image in his mind was of Eddie kissing up his thighs, and then Buck could see the way his eyes would lock on him. The way his mouth would feel wrapped around him. 

Eddie is so hot. 

Buck worked his hand quicker, his wrist worked quickly. His finger bushed along the tip of his cock and he imagined it being Eddie’s tongue. He was so going to hell for doing this. Buck let his mind wander to the image of Eddie eating that ring popup over a year ago, the way his lips worked around it, sucking and just enjoying himself. Buck had watched even with Tommy right there. A part of him felt the need to know how he felt. He felt guilty about that then, but now? No, that was the image he needed. 

Buck gasped as he felt that tightness in his stomach, it burned all the way through him and then he was cumming on the shower floor. His head was tilting back. “Eddie, oh so fucking good,” he mumbled to himself. 

He was just lucky that Chris didn’t need to get up and go to the bathroom or anything. He was also very lucky that Eddie didn’t get off work for 4 more hours because he was sure Eddie would disown him at this point. 

Buck finished up his shower and cleaned it out of evidence of his very bad moment of judgment. He really needed to get laid. This was not working out well for him. As a very sexual person, Buck would keep having these damn images of Eddie if he didn’t get it out of his system soon. 

The next morning, Buck was woken up by Eddie. He stayed for a couple of hours, and he made the pancakes that he had promised Chris. The two of them were having a very good morning together. Eddie had no idea what Buck did hours before he woke him up.

Once Buck left, he was thankful to be going back to Hawthorne. He needed to sleep more and get ready for the Abbey with Jay and Ashley that night. 

-Saturday night, @The Abbey - 

Buck had never been to the Abbey, but Ashley and Jay were regulars, apparently. They usually dragged one of the other queer people, but they were all so over the scene. That was what Ashley had told Buck when they were texting on Friday. 

Buck loved the vibes as soon as the three of them walked in. The music was good, the drinks looked amazing, and there were go-go dancers dancing in cages. First things first, Ashley grabbed both Jay and Buck’s arms and linked them together as they made their way to the bar. 

Ashley ordered shots of tequila and mixed drinks for them. No beer would be had tonight. They were going to get messed up and forget the craziness of the week. 

Once the three were pretty buzzed, they made their way to the dance floor. Ashley dances between Jay and Buck. The three of them probably looked like a polyamorous couple, but none of them minded. 

About 3 songs later, the three made their way to the bar. They moved their way through the crowd and then were at the bar. That was when Buck saw him . Tommy stood with a couple of friends whom Buck had met once. Buck turned to Ashley and looked at her. “What?” Ashley asked him as she leaned in close to him. 

Buck leaned into Ashley as he spoke. He tried not to look at Tommy. “Remember my ex?” Buck asked her as he set his arm on her shoulder. They talked, and he was talking close to her ear. 

Ashley nodded. “The one who was calling your best friend competition?” She asked him.

Buck nodded. Buck went to open his mouth and felt a hand on his shoulder. Buck turned to come face to face with Tommy. Jay looked between them as he stood closer to Buck. “Hi?” Jay said, first, and looked at Buck’s ex. 

Tommy smiled his normal, constipated-looking smile at Buck. “Hey Evan! No Eddie?” Tommy asked, sounding smug. Buck wanted to jump off a really tall building. 

Ashley looked at Tommy. Buck couldn’t see her face, but could feel the tension where his arm was still kind of touching her. “Who’s Evan?” Ashley asked. 

Tommy looked at him, then at Ashley. “Your little dream boat here,” Tommy told her. He thought he was funny. 

Ashley laughed. “You think you have a right to call our Buck that? Aren’t you the ex?” She asked. 

Tommy opened his mouth and looked between the three and at Buck like he would correct her. “Was I the ex last time we were together, Evan?” Tommy asked. 

Jay watched the scene for a minute. Buck moved a little towards Jay out of instinct to put distance between himself and Tommy. “Hello, Thomas,” Buck said coldly. 

Tommy laughed. “Oh, I’m Thomas now? Really, Evan? After last time we were to—” Tommy eyed them. Tommy was clearly drunk and not thinking about how Buck’s body language was leaning toward his friends, and not near Tommy. 

Jay loosely wrapped his arm around Buck’s waist, his fingers rubbing soothing circles on Buck’s side through the mesh top. Buck leaned into him, his body pressing into his fingers. Jay pressed a kiss to Buck’s cheek, putting on a show for the loser ex. “Babe, who’s this?” Jay asked Buck with a smile. Buck was clingy when drunk and with the added attention. Buck’s arm slipped up and around Jay’s shoulder as he cuddled into his friend more closely. 

“Oh, that’s Thomas Kinard, a helicopter pilot for the 217,” Buck told him. Buck turned into Jay more as the arm slipped down his lower back. 

Tommy huffed. “I wasn’t Thomas Kinard the last time we had sex,” Tommy argued. 

Jay looked at him. “Well, obviously it wasn’t that good. If he’s with me now, hun,” Jay said. 

Buck chuckled against Jay’s cheek and then looked at Tommy. “Funny, I don’t remember leaving that night satisfied. I had to finish myself that night, you passed out, or did you forget, Thomas?” Buck was being a dick and had no regrets. 

Tommy opened his mouth, then closed it again. His face was red. Buck enjoyed that. “Well have fun with your weird ass threesome here, Evan,” Tommy said before he walked away. 

The three laughed and got their drinks. They found a table on the other side, away from Tommy. They were all happy about avoiding that. 

“Babe?” Buck teased Jay as he nudged his side as they sat across from Ashley at the booth. 

Jay laughed. “You looked like you wanted to crawl on the other side of the bar. I had to think quickly. Plus you liked the attention, you slut,” Jay teased Buck.

Ashley rolled her eyes and threw a napkin at Jay. “Be nice to our new bestie before he ditches us, like everyone else,” Ashley told him. 

Buck chuckled. He could feel how warm his cheeks were from the liquor and from the attention. 

The rest of the night went pretty quickly. The three of them ended up taking pictures together and posted them to Instagram. Buck noticed a comment later that night from Eddie. 

Buck had called Eddie, and then they FaceTimed while Buck was in the middle of an RSD spiral. Eddie was good at talking him down. Why did he think it was time to say goodbye? It wasn’t that they had plans. 

Buck laid in his bed and thought about the sadness in Eddie’s eyes as they spoke. The way Eddie reassured him was that it was just his head. Tommy brought out the worst in Buck’s self-esteem sometimes. Buck didn’t dare tell him about running into Tommy that night. No, Eddie would have lost it on Tommy. 

-7 Weeks after leaving-

-Thursday- 

Buck had dinner with Maddie, Chimney, and the kids at least twice a month, typically on a Thursday. Other times, he’d steal Jee-Yun for a fun uncle-niece day. Buck was excited to see both Jee and Robby. 

Buck walked up to the door and knocked. He had wine under his arm and flowers behind his back. Chimney answered, and Buck grabbed the bottle with his free hand. He held up the bottle to Chimney. “This is for dinner, it was chilling all morning,” Buck promised. Buck handed the bottle of Pinot Noir to pair with the Bolognese recipe he sent his sister that morning. 

Maddie rounded the corner from the kitchen, and Buck held up the bigger bunch of flowers to her. “For my favorite sister,” Buck said proudly. Buck then looked around for his little niece. “Where is my favorite girl?” Buck asked. 

“Going to pretend like that wasn’t so rude,” Maddie told him. They both exchanged a look. 

Little feet padded down the hallway at full speed. “Unc Buck!” Jee squealed. Buck sat on his knees before her, and she jumped into his arms. 

“There she is!” Buck said excitedly. He hugged her and then stood with her in his arms for a moment. Jee found her way to his hip as he stood there with her. “What’s my favorite girl up to?” He asked. 

“Ah!” Jee exclaimed as she tried to get away from her uncle. Jee wiggled, and Buck placed her on her feet before him. Jee was quick; she grabbed his big hand with her little hand, dragging him away. “Come, come!” 

Buck laughed. “Byeeeee. Have fun by yourselves, my favorite has plans!” Buck said excitedly. Buck was dragged down the hall and into Jee’s room. Inside, she had her table set up for the best tea party.

Buck handed her the flowers for her little vase in the room. She put them in the middle. Buck would add water later for her. Buck then took a seat at the table, his legs on either side of the table as he sat in the tiny human chair. Buck hoped it didn’t break under him. 

“Are we having a tea party?” Buck asked after a moment. Jee nodded. She placed a pink feather boa around his neck and made sure it went over both shoulders. Then she went to her dresser and grabbed the matching princess crown. She set it upon his curls and smiled big. 

“Unc Buck, you look pretty like me!” She said excitedly. She then grabbed the filled teapot and started to pour it into the little cups.

Buck took one of the cups and smiled at her. “Did Momma give you real tea?” He asked curiously. 

Jee nodded. “Momma made it special for us, she said it's the best,” Jee told him with a proud smile. 

Buck chuckled. “I can’t wait,” He said happily. 

Jee took her seat across from them, and they started to drink their tea. Buck was glad it was actually just a water packet that was flavored. He wasn’t a big fan of tea. “Just one cuppy, Momma said not too much,” Jee told him. 

Buck could hear baby Robby though the wall crying and then he heard Chimney trying to soothe him. Buck had almost ran to help, but it was Jee's time right now. 

Once dinner was ready, the five of them sat around the table. Buck drank some of his wine while he started to eat. “Oooh, Mads, this is good,” Buck said with a grin. 

Maddie smiled at him. “Only the best for my little brother,” She said with a smile. 

Buck and Maddie made eye contact and did that Buckley sibling thing where they were talking with their eyes. Buck was reassuring her that he was doing the best he could at that moment. 

The rest of the night seemed to fly by. They had dinner, they drank a little, and Buck waited until he was sober to drive. Athena would kill him if he drove drunk, of course. 

Buck gave his family hugs before he left to go back to Hawthorne. Buck was excited for breakfast in the morning with Eddie. He missed his best friend.

-Friday-

Buck and Eddie had met at the waffle place. They had their usual banter. Eddie tried to find out where Buck was living or which station he was at, but Buck didn’t budge, of course. 

As he drove to the station that morning, Buck had more questions than answers again. Eddie was acting strange. Buck was pretty sure he caught Eddie checking a guy out, the same way Eddie would sometimes look at Buck. 

Is Eddie bisexual? Is that what the secret is? 

The last girlfriend he had was Marisol, and that was a mess, too. 

Eddie couldn’t make it work with anyone he dated, why? 

Eddie hated all of Buck’s exes, including Tommy. 

Once at the station, Buck parked. He sent a quick text to Eddie. 

Buck : Breakfast was fun. 

Buck : We should do it again soon. 🧇

With pride on Saturday, their schedules were a bit different to accommodate the event. Buck worked from 9:00 AM to 9:00 PM on Friday. Then the same schedule would happen again on Saturday.

Eddie : I am still so full from those waffles. Hope you have a great half-shift! 

The shift was only a few emergencies. Which made it easy for them to prep for the next day for the Pride Event.  They were packing up extra medkits with electrolyte packs, granola bars, sunblock, and breakable ice packs. 

-Saturday, Weho Pride AF (Alcohol-Free)-

Saturday’s Pride event was in West Hollywood, and they had a booth at Pride AF. The whole A-shift from the LAFD 162 attended the event to promote the department. The team wore LAFD Fire shirts with a rainbow lettering on Fire. They could wear either their LAFD shorts or pants. 

Buck, Jay, and Ashley coordinated their outfits, of course, including the bisexual flag that was on their cheeks, which they got at a booth across from the LAFD booth. They all wore the t-shirt with shorts, Buck and Ashley had leg tattoos, and Jay watched as they walked in with another load of freebies from the Captain’s truck. 

Captain Maxwell divided the younger individuals together: a firefighter and a paramedic each. Stella and Jay partnered together, and Ashley and Buck partnered together. 

Ashley and Buck walked around to one side of the park, while Stella and Jay went the opposite direction. Ashley and Buck were watching out for people as they walked and talked. 

The two had plans to have dinner and watch a movie together. This wasn’t the first time they hung out outside of work, just the two of them. However, the more they talked about their night, maybe it was starting to sound more like a date to Buck. 

“What do you think about Thai food?” Buck asked as they hit their bags off another as they walked close. The music was loud, but both of them were excited about being at the pride festival. 

Ashley smiled. “I love Thai food! I love all sorts of Asian style food, so I might be biased,” She joked. Ashley then looked over at him. “Do you like a certain wine?” She asked. 

Buck looked at her. “Like red or white?” Buck asked. Buck only knew what kind of wine to bring when he asked Maddie, Karen, or Hen about wine choices. Last time they let Buck get wine, he bought some super dry one that made them all want to hurl. 

Ashley laughed loudly. “Oh my god, Buck, like a brand?” Ashley asked him. She was really starting to regret her choice in befriending him, Buck assumed. 

Buck blushed, embarrassed. “Oh! Well, my sister usually tells me what to buy?” Buck sounded unsure of himself. 

Ashley nudged his side with her elbow. “Okay, how about which do you prefer, sweet or not?” Ashley asked. 

Buck thought for a moment, “Surprise me?” Buck suggested to her. 

She is beautiful when she’s annoyed at me.  

Ashley rolled her eyes. “You are ridiculous,” Ashley told him with a pout. 

Ugh, not the pouty face. 

Buck decided to flirt in retaliation. “But you like hanging with me,” Buck put on that Buck flirt charm. 

Ashley rolled her eyes again. “Sometimes,” Ashley playfully said, annoyed. 

Buck gasped. “Rude!” 

The two stopped as they saw two people who looked to be dehydrated, potentially with the onset of heat stroke. Buck leaned down as Ashley started to assess the situation. 

“You both need to be drinking more water. The mocktails are filled with sugar and salt,” She told them both. 

“Yeah, we were trying to find the water when they got dizzy,” one said. 

Ashley nodded. Ashley handed over some electrolytes that Buck handed her and two water bottles.  “Take these and they should help,” Ashley told them. Both took the electrolytes from Ashley and the water bottles. 

Buck then grabbed sunblock and handed them some free samples so they could reapply it. “Also, don’t forget to protect your skin,” Buck added to them. 

Buck stood up and saw a couple of people watching them. He turned around and then nodded at a guy checking him out. The guy looks closer to Ravi’s age, in his upper 20s. He has sandy brown, maybe almost blonde hair, and the most gorgeous green eyes he had ever seen. Both of them exchange a smile before Buck is dragged off to the LAFD booth by Ashley. “Stop gawking at men half-dressed,” Ashley teased him. 

Buck scowled at Ashley. “I was just admiring his very pretty eyes,” Buck said proudly. 

Jay laughed as he walked around the side of the booth. “I missed Buck checking out a guy?” Jay asked. 

Buck scowls again. “Hate you both,” Buck mumbled. 

Jay sat on a chair as Buck was refreshing the medic bag. “How has it been?” Jay asked them. 

Buck smiled. “People are not drinking enough water at the sober Pride,” Buck told him. 

“Typical pride, regardless of sober pride or drunk pride,” Jay told him. Jay kicked the back of Buck’s leg playfully. 

Buck turned and looked at Jay. “I wouldn’t know,” Buck told him. Buck had never been to Pride before, let alone a pride parade. 

Jay looked like he saw a ghost when Buck told him that he had never been to Pride before. “What? You’ve never been to Pride?” Jay asked him with soft eyes. 

The usually sarcastic and flirty version of Jay was different. This side of him was interesting to Buck. “No, I just came out last year and didn’t actually know what to label myself until I started talking with Ashley at the station,” Buck told Jay. 

Jay nodded as he listened to Buck. “Oh!” Jay nodded. “Well, let's go to the parade tomorrow? They usually have cool vendors set up here still,” Jay told him. 

Ashley looked at Buck and touched his arm gently. The two of them were like his bisexual fairy godparents, even if he was older. “Yeah, Buck! We can wear fun outfits and flirt with queer people,” Ashley told Buck. 

Buck nodded his head. “What time?” Buck asked. 

Jay was thrilled and jumped out of the chair. The two stood close to Buck as they all talked. “I think it 's noon?” Jay said, unsure. 

Buck nodded. “I don’t have plans. Let’s do it,” Buck told them both. 

Jay did his normal flirty grin. “I knew you wanted to do me.” Jay joked. 

Buck rolled his eyes. “Don’t make me take it back,” Buck mumbled. 

Ashley laughed. “Jay, stop flustering our baby bi,” Ashley warned Jay. 

Buck pouted. Buck did like that they constantly called him a baby bi. “I’m older than both of you!” Buck scowled. 

Jay stepped closer, that coy smile on his lips. “Exactly, but still a baby bi, our baby bi,” Jay poked his nose. 

Buck looked cross-eyed at him. “Hate you again,” Buck told him softly. 

They wrapped up at Pride, and Buck was still thinking about that guy he saw, but didn’t think twice about it. He had plans with Ashley to look forward to tonight. 

-Saturday night-

Buck showered, shaved, and changed as soon as he got home from Pride. The bisexual flag was off his cheek, and he was dressed in a peach-toned t-shirt and dark blue jeans. Buck didn’t wear shoes in his apartment but had socks on. 

Buck heard a knock at his apartment door. Buck walked over and opened the door to see Ashley. “Hey!” Buck said happily. 

Ashley wore a black tank top, lighter blue shorts, and she took off her shoes at the door. She placed them next to Buck’s. The two of them walked into the living room. “Hey! Do you have a wine chiller?” She asked him. 

Buck nodded. He took the bottle from her. “Make yourself comfy. The food should be here in a bit,” Buck told her. Buck walked into the kitchen and slipped the bottle into the wine chiller under one of his counters. 

Buck returned and smiled as he saw Ashley plopped onto the couch. “If you want to find a movie, I have every streaming platform you could think of,” Buck told her. 

Ashley picked up the remote and went to Netflix, and started looking through movies. Buck slipped over to the table and grabbed the charcuterie board he had made earlier. He placed it before her on the coffee table. Buck then plopped down beside her on the couch. 

Ashley started Crazy, Stupid, Love . They watched the movie while they waited for the food. Once there was a knock, Ashley paused it so Buck could get the food. Buck grabbed plates and came back with the food. He set the plates and takeout containers on the coffee table. The two sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. 

“I like hanging with you,” Ashley admitted to Buck. Buck swore his heart was pounding with his little crush on her. 

“I like hanging with you, too. You aren’t that lame,” Buck teased her. Ashley laughed and shoved his arm playfully. 

The two ate and watched the movie. They were sitting close to another.  Buck’s thigh was pressing against hers as they sat on the floor. They both ate their Thai food. Both of them were content. The board was half gone by the time the movie was over. 

Buck got up and cleaned up their messes. Ashley followed him into the kitchen. Buck poured them both a glass of the wine. Ashley had gotten a semi-sweet wine that she liked. Buck took a sip and nodded. “Mm, okay, that’s good,” he told her. 

Ashley smiled and sat up on his counter. Out of habit, Buck stood closer, his arms on either side of her. He was uncertain if that was what she wanted, so he let her make the next move. 

Ashley sipped her wine. “It is good,” she told him. She drank more of her wine, and then Buck felt it; her legs wrapped around him to drag him into her more. 

Buck’s hands slipped up to her waist as they looked at one another. Buck waited until she moved in closer. 

“Are you going to stare at me or are you going to kiss me?” Ashley asked Buck. 

Buck laughed softly. “I was trying to use my charm,” Buck teased her. 

“Baby bi,” Ashley teased him. 

Buck closed the distance between them, cupping her cheek with his hand while the other pulled her closer to the edge against him. Ashley bit his lower lip, and Buck opened his mouth. Ashley dominated the kiss as their eyes fluttered closed. Their tongues pressed together, and their teeth scraped against each other.

Buck didn’t want to be disappointed with a kiss because it was good, but Buck felt like something was missing. When the kiss broke, both of them looked at each other, lips swollen and flushed. 

“Buck?” Ashley asked breathlessly. 

Buck nodded as he looked at her. “Yeah?” He asked. 

“I don’t think we should do that again,” She told him honestly. Buck stepped back from her. 

“So you felt that?” Buck asked her. Buck was blushing slightly. 

“It felt like I was kissing my best friend,” Ashley said with a laugh. “Like it was good, but no butterflies or anything?” Ashley admitted. 

“Okay, good. I liked kissing you, but something was missing,” Buck told her with a laugh. 

They both laughed and took the wine to the living room to hang out a bit more. 

They ended up watching a few movies, and then Ashley left around 2:00 AM in an Uber again. 

-8 Weeks after leaving, Sunday Morning 2:30 AM- 

Buck had looked at his phone probably twenty times in the last three minutes. Eddie promised he would text and he hadn’t yet. 

Buck : Eddie? Are you home? 

Buck : Eddie you should be home by now? 

Buck : Eddie I swear. This isn’t funny. 

Buck : Okay I’m texting Ravi. 

Little did Buck know, a drunk Eddie had left his phone in his pocket. In a hamper at the house. None of these messages was going to be seen until later today. 

Buck opened the thread with Ravi. His fingers were shaking as he texted his other close friend. 

Buck : Hey, man! Sorry, it’s so late. Did you guys leave the bar? 

Ravi : Yeah, like an hour or so ago? 

Buck : Fuck! Okay Eddie hasn’t texted me, and I can’t see his location for reasons. Did he say he was going home? 

Ravi : Yeah. Probably passed out. He was really drunk. 

It was early Sunday morning. Buck was in the back of an  Uber, going 30 minutes out of his way. His mind was running with all the things that could have kept Eddie from texting him. None of them was probably logical. Buck was also drunk from hanging out with Ashley. 

Was he locked out of the house? 

Did he fall in the shower? 

Did someone rob him, and he didn’t have his phone?

Did he lose his phone? 

Did he actually choke on his drunk vomit? 

Eddie. 

Please be okay? 

Fuck. I’m such an idiot. 

-3:06 AM-

A kinda drunk, Buck stumbled out of an Uber. He found that key on his keychain and slide it into the lock. He twisted it and walked inside. He saw boots on the floor and raised a brow. 

Okay, Eddie must be really drunk. He’s a neat freak. 

Buck pulled his phone out and placed it on the coffee table. He set the boots next to another by the rack. He then put his wallet on the table. He walked further into the house. 

Buck listened outside Eddie’s door. He could hear him mumbling a little, breathing heavily, and a.. was that a whimper? He shook his head. 

Buck walked to the closet and grabbed a pillow. He then went to lie down. He pulled the small throw off the back. Buck curled up on the couch. 

He falls asleep on the couch pretty quickly. It was nothing new, though. Buck could always fall asleep on that couch. 

-Sunday morning, 6:00 AM-

A few hours later, Buck felt Eddie touch him. He opened his blue eyes shortly. 

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asked. 

Buck turned and looked at Eddie, who was squatting and shirtless. Those sweats are low on his hips. “Mm, you didn’t text me. I left the bar and was worried,” Buck whispered huskily. 

Eddie had this look on his face. Buck wasn’t too sure what it was. It kinda looked like he was panicking? 

Eddie stood and rubbed his neck nervously. “Uhh shit. I don’t remember where my phone is. I was so drunk,” Eddie admitted. 

Buck’s eyes wandered and then went wide. Eddie was half-hard or maybe fully? He wasn’t sure. “You good?” Buck asked sheepishly. A smirk on his face. 

Eddie looked down and readjusted himself. “Oh yeah.. yeah!” Eddie said a little too loudly.

Buck looked at him. “Sure you are.” 

Eddie was blushing. “When did you… Uh, get here? We didn’t like to do anything?” Eddie asked.

Buck looked at him. “Did we do anything?” 

Eddie slowly nods. “Yeah, like talk or anything?”

Buck laughed. “What kinda dream were you having, Eddie?” Buck asked teasingly.  Eddie got so pink. Buck loved that. “We didn’t do anything.” 

Buck sat up and looked up at Eddie. “We didn’t?” Eddie asked. Buck thought he sounded disappointed, almost. 

Buck nodded slowly. “I heard you sleeping and just crashed here. But this dream? Was it sexy?” He wiggled his eyebrow. 

Eddie picked up a pillow and smacked Buck with it. “Hey!” Buck complained. 

Buck grabbed the edge of the pillow and tugged it from Eddie’s fingers unexpectedly. Eddie nearly fell off balance into Buck. Eddie, even in his drunken state, was able to stop himself before crashing into Buck. His hands landed on either side of Buck on the couch, caging him in. Buck took a deep breath and stared up at him in the dark living room, the only light illuminating them was from the TV. Buck could have sworn he saw Eddie suck in a breath. The tension was thick between the two best friends. Each of them looked at the other, their eyes locked in that darkness. 

“You good?” Buck asked after a minute. Eddie nodded quickly. 

Eddie kept towering over Buck. Their eyes locked in their drunkenness. “Real good, I’m glad you came over,” Eddie mumbled. 

Eddie straightened up, and Buck’s smile faded slightly. “Yeah, me too. I just needed to know you were okay. You should not read those messages tomorrow,” Buck joked. Part of Buck forgot what he sent, but hoped it wasn’t as bad as his mind had been. 

Eddie laughed. “I’m going back to sleep. You wanna share the bed? That can’t feel good on your leg.” 

Buck stood and stretched. His shirt lifted just slightly. “Sure.” He followed Eddie. 

Eddie grabbed sweats for Buck and then climbed into bed while Buck changed. They had slept next to each other before. This time wouldn’t be different, right? 

Buck slipped his shoes off and placed them by the wall. He pulled his jeans off and slid the sweats on. “Eddie, these are so tight,” Buck said with a laugh. 

Buck climbed into the bed under the covers. Buck turned and faced Eddie, who was staring at him in the dark. “Buck?” Eddie whispered. 

Buck hummed as he ran his hand over the covers between him; he was trying to figure out how close they were. Buck touched his arm slightly. “Yeah?” Buck asked. 

Eddie closed his eyes. “You are amazing,” Eddie mumbled drunkenly. 

Buck felt his chest tighten at those words. Buck didn’t feel amazing. Buck felt broken. If Eddie knew what had happened earlier that night, would he still think he was amazing? 

Buck let his hand fall. “Go to sleep, Eddie, I’ll make you the greasiest breakfast in the morning,” He promised. 

Buck listened to Eddie start to drift off again. Buck turned and faced the wall. At some point, he fell asleep.

At some point, both of them had ended up close to each other when the temperature dropped. Eddie’s arm was lazily draped over Buck’s waist, and his head was against his shoulder. 

Buck didn’t feel when Eddie was kissing his neck in his sleep, or the small moans that he was letting out at the feeling. Both of them were drunk and exhausted.  

Buck’s eyes fluttered open as he felt arms pulling his body back just enough. Buck felt Eddie’s body pressed against him. “Eddie?” Buck whispered, trying to gauge if he was awake. 

Eddie mumbled, but didn’t move. Buck knew he was still in his sleepdaze. Buck didn’t say anything. He left his body against his, their legs still tangled together. The warmth in his chest was there, throbbing like something that would hurt him.  

Buck breathed slowly, letting himself fall back to sleep again. Eddie’s breathing lulled him back to sleep. That ache was gone for now, but Buck knew he had to put more space between them. 

Buck’s mind was full of the dreams he had been suffering from for the past few months. Whereas he thought he was starting to heal, things would never be the same. Eddie was back, but Buck’s feelings were still there. 

Buck could feel Eddie’s arms around him, and the dream also started there. Eddie was holding him from behind as he was cooking breakfast. A few kisses were pressed to the back of his neck, as those strong arms wrapped around him. Buck wasn’t small by any means, but Eddie’s arms were perfect to hold him, to hug him, and so much more.

Buck had deep feelings for Eddie, and he had figured that out the night after the rescue. It was the little things that Eddie did that started to add up. 

This wasn’t the first time that Buck and Eddie slept next to each other, but this was the first time that Eddie held him. The way his body melted into Eddie’s felt like home, but Eddie was straight. 

“Buck.. oh god,” Eddie mumbled. Buck stirred and felt arms still around him. Then he felt the distance. Eddie pulled his body away, his arm now between them, as Eddie was lying on his back. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to,” Eddie whispered. 

Buck rolled over and faced him. he looked at him. “What?” Buck asked as he pretended he didn’t know why Eddie panicked. 

“Oh.. nothing. Man, my head is hurting. How's yours?” Eddie asked. Buck could see that Eddie looked disappointed. Buck was confused about why Eddie would look disappointed. 

Man? Man? Not like Eddie didn’t just have his hips against my ass 2 minutes ago? Man.

“My head feels fine,” Buck mumbled out. He stretched his body out and he breathed out. 

“Okay, good. I’m sorry about last night. I need to find my phone,” Eddie told him. Eddie was the first to get out of bed. Buck was glad. 

Buck waited a minute and stretched his body out and sprawled across the bed. Eddie was pulling on a t-shirt, and Buck was admiring his back muscles. “Stop apologizing. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead.” Buck joked. 

Buck stood up and grabbed his jeans. That’s when he saw it. A hickey on his neck that he wasn’t sure how it got there. The full-length mirror was looking at him. It was right around where Eddie’s face had been when he first woke up. 

“Woah, Buck. Did you hook up with someone before coming here?” Eddie asked with a tone. 

“I don’t know how drunk I was, but I am pretty sure that I wasn’t that drunk,” Buck told him. Buck ran his fingers over the hickey.

Buck tried to play back his night with Ashley. They had made out some, but her lips never left his. They both kinda freaked out about kissing after they realized they felt nothing, so they stopped kissing and just hung out. Both agreed not to talk about what happened. 

“Huh, strange,” Eddie said, watching Buck in the mirror. Buck was pretty sure that Eddie smirked at him. 

Eddie is straight. Eddie is straight. Eddie cuddled you and maybe gave you a hickey, but he is straight. So straight. 

“Yeah! Ha! Who knows?” Buck said with a laugh. 

Eddie then looked at him. “So, when were you going to tell me about running into Tommy when I was in El Paso?” Eddie asked. 

Buck’s eyes went wide, and he then ran out of the room. He promised Eddie breakfast.  

“You can’t avoid me forever, Buckley!” Eddie yelled. Buck then heard the bathroom door close and what he assumed was Eddie dumping his clothes out to find his phone. 

Buck started cutting up potatoes to make Eddie the greasy hangover cure he promised. Buck also started a cup in the Hildy for Eddie. 

Once Buck was done cutting the potatoes, he grabbed a pan, thankful that Eddie didn’t move things like he usually did. Buck had a system. Buck put some avocado oil into the pan and then added the potatoes. 

Buck heard a laugh. “I swear this isn’t funny!” Eddie yelled as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen. He walked into the hallway entrance to the kitchen. 

Buck scowled. “I was worried you were choking on your own vomit!” Buck told him. Eddie put his hand on Buck’s shoulder and then ran his finger over the hickey. 

“If you didn’t hook up with someone… where did this come from?” Eddie sounded jealous. 

A shiver ran up Buck’s back and he swore that all the blood in his whole body was now concentrated in his dick. “I don’t remember! Fuck, Eddie.” Buck told him. 

Eddie then let his hand drop. A smile on his lips. “You were moaning in your sleep last night,” Eddie told him. 

Buck’s face and neck turned bright red. A wet dream? Did he really have a wet dream in his best friend’s bed? “Ummmm, I don’t remember?” Buck whispered. 

“You are such a good boy, making me breakfast, Buckley,” Eddie praised Buck. 

Goodboy. Buckley, good boy. Fuck. Goodboy. 

Buck looked down for a moment and then moved to the fridge. He found some leftover steak and chopped it up. “I promised you breakfast, and since when do I not take care of you?” Buck asked. 

I’m so needy. Taking care of Eddie like he’s not capable? 

Eddie nodded. “True. This coffee for me?” Eddie asked as he walked over. 

“Yeah, it might be cold, though,” Buck told Eddie. He put the cut steak into the pan. He then looked back at him. “Did you call me a good boy?” Buck asked. 

Goodboy. 

Eddie had been taking a drink of coffee and started to cough. His obvious cockiness was replaced. “Fuck.. I did, “ Eddie muttered. 

Buck laughed. “Fuck off,” Buck told him with a chuckle.  

Eddie smiled as Buck turned to face him. “I mean, probably should,” Eddie told him. 

Buck’s mouth hung open, and he felt that feeling in his gut. He adjusted himself a little bit. “I do not need to hear about your jerking it okay?” Buck mumbled. He turned back to stir the food in the pan. 

Eddie hummed and Buck knew he was about to say something even more devastating to the bi-sexual man. 

Eddie is straight. Stop picturing him jerking off. He’d probably watch straight porn. 

“But you love to tell me about your hook-ups before, what’s different than a little self-love?” Eddie asked with a tone.

Is Eddie flirting? Is Eddie FLIRTING?

I might die. 

Bobby take me with you?!

Oh fuck, probably shouldn’t think like that. Dr. Harris would be disappointed. 

“One, I haven’t hooked up with anyone since Tommy—” Buck was talking, and then Eddie scoffed. “What?” Buck asked, confused. 

“Yeah, you mean like what 3 months ago?” Eddie asked him. 

Buck’s eyes went wide. “Actually, it was like… WHAT?! How do you know?” Buck turned around and nearly fell into Eddie, who had stepped closer to him. Eddie was invading his place. 

“A little birdy told me about drinking, also, what stories did you tell him?” Eddie asked. A smile on his lips. Buck was melting into a puddle, lost in those puppy eyes on his best friend. 

“It was 4 months ago, and never again. He’s a dick,” Buck said with a roll of his eyes. 

Eddie nodded. “What he do?” Eddie asked curiously. Eddie slipped up on the counter next to where Buck was cooking. 

Buck cracked some eggs into a bowl and whisked them together. “Well, first, he couldn’t even stay hard to do anything. So I had to jerk myself off after he fell asleep. Well second… second, he insinuated that there was this competition between you two. So I probably said the bitchiest thing ever. No, I did. He was insinuating you were gay or not straight. Well, he has issues with me being bi.. That I never really told you about… well, not completely,” Buck was rambling. He poured the eggs into the pan. 

“Buck, what did you say?” Eddie asked him curiously. Eddie was staring at him, but Buck was stirring the eggs to scramble everything together. 

“I told him… that you were straight.. And then I told him something… I don’t think I should repeat it,” Buck told him honestly. 

Eddie hummed. “It can’t be that bad,” Eddie told him. Eddie had his mug in hand, and Buck heard him sip from the coffee mug. 

“You won’t think anything crazy?” Buck asked. Buck turned his face to look at him. 

Eddie laughed. “You are crazy, but that’s why you are Buck. Our Buck,” Eddie reminded him. 

Buck rubbed his face. “I told him that I didn’t have to have feelings for everyone I slept with and that I didn’t have to sleep with everyone I had feelings for,” Buck said softly. 

Eddie’s eyes went wide. “Damn and you call me a Diva?” Eddie said with a grin. Eddie then let it fall, and Buck could have sworn he saw something there on his face. A curiosity locked behind brown eyes. 

“Yeah! Well, I chose the biggest blade and didn’t even really apologize. Then I had to see him with the lab thing… that day was a mess. Even before B—” Buck still had a hard time talking about that day. 

Eddie jumped down and pulled Buck into a tight embrace as Buck felt the tears in his eyes. It was usually Buck who opened up for Eddie to hug him, but not this time. Eddie put his head against Buck’s shoulder, and Buck squished his head into the spot on his neck. “I’m okay, Eddie.. I just, nothing will ever happen with Tommy again. I am so done with him,” Buck told him. 

Eddie let go of Buck just enough to step back. Eddie took Buck’s face into his hands and looked at him. “Good because that guy is an asshole. Who tells a guy you want back that his best friend is competition? Like he could even win,” Eddie said with a grin. 

Buck laughed as he wiped his cheeks a little. “Shut up,” Buck mumbled. Buck then turned around to turn the stove off. “You hun—” Buck stopped talking. Eddie had his hand on his shoulder. Eddie’s fingers were just rubbing against his shoulder and then sliding down. 

“Buck, do you think that if there were a competition that you would choose him?” Eddie asked. Eddie sounded so small. Almost like he was struggling. 

Was there something deeper he had been trying to tell me? 

Buck then felt his fingers, and Eddie slipped his hand down the small of Buck’s back. Fingers were tracing almost like remembering how Buck felt. “I think… any person who thinks they can come between us, isn’t for me,” Buck whispered. A hard swallow followed from Buck. “It’s a total turn-off,” he added. 

Eddie’s fingers found his sides; they were now holding them for a moment. Buck was unsure what was happening. “Okay, good, I just want you to know you mean so much to me,” Eddie said. Eddie let go and returned with two plates. Eddie put the two plates down on the stove next to Buck’s hands, and Buck composed himself. 

Eddie was different since Texas. 

“Let’s eat. I gotta get home before the traffic gets crazy,” Buck told him. Eddie sighed as he took the plate of food. The two sat on the island. There’s knees kept knocking together. 

Eddie was quiet while they ate, but Buck could tell he wanted to tell him something, but maybe he just wasn’t ready. Buck knew that Eddie was the one who gave him the hickey. Buck also knew that Eddie was kinda flirting or just really clingy since he left the 118. 

“Eddie, you know, whatever is going on with you? I will always be here,” Buck told him. 

Buck meant it, but maybe he didn’t. Or maybe he would be so invested in his new self that he couldn’t be there always. 

Eddie was quiet for a few minutes. “It’s nothing crazy. Just trying to get back into the swing of things. Studying a lot has really made me realize I should have done this last year,” Eddie told him. 

The two were eating and touching their knees together; both of them needed that contact today. “Well, I am proud of you, paramedic Diaz,” Buck told him. 

Buck’s eyes saw the pink tint to Eddie’s cheeks. “I take the test in two days,” Eddie told him. 

Buck’s eyes went wide. “Eddie, why didn’t you tell me? I would have been here! I could have helped you study,” Buck felt like a complete asshole. 

“No, you were doing your thing, and I didn’t want to impose on you. You have this whole new life at your new station. You have new friends, and I get that you are not ready for me to meet them,” Eddie told him honestly. 

Buck felt like a dick. Was that what he was doing? Was he isolating his best friend from his new life? Well, he was, but he didn’t really think it would bother Eddie that much. “I can always make time for you. I can… It’s not like I’m dating anyone or anything,” Buck told him. 

Eddie’s face did this thing that Buck wasn’t sure what that meant. Maybe the whole hickey thing, he thought he was dating someone again. “You are not dating someone?” Eddie asked. Buck thought he sounded hopeful for something, maybe he thought he was left behind because he was seeing someone. 

“No one would ever come between us like that, Eddie. You believe that, right? I wouldn’t drop you like that. I mean, I do get invested, but it’s not about that,” Buck told him. 

Eddie sighed. “Okay, yeah, of course. I know that you are grieving and you are not ready to let me in on that, even though it’s almost 3 months now. I just miss you,” Eddie said sadly. 

Buck looked at Eddie. Buck didn’t say anything; all he did was stare at that mustache, then back at his eyes. Eddie was looking back at Buck. Their eyes were locked, and both looked to be thinking about something. Buck kind of wanted to be able to hear his thoughts instead of his own. 

Is Eddie needing to be let in, so he could let me in? 

“Buck? You look a little lost in thought, you okay?” Eddie asked. Eddie’s eyebrow raised a little, and the worry line was visible between the two. Buck loved that little line. His eyes were also locked on the mole right under Eddie’s eye. 

“Huh?” Buck asked as he finally came back to remember that Eddie had said something to him. 

Eddie laughed. “Are you okay?” Eddie asked. 

Buck nodded a little too quickly. “I’m great!”

Eddie narrowed his eyes at Buck. “Liar,” Eddie muttered. 

The two were sitting close. The food was already finished. Buck’s knee was knocking against Eddie’s thigh as Eddie turned to face Buck more. Buck was looking like a deer caught in headlights. Buck wasn’t sure if he was even breathing in that moment. 

Eddie cuddled you. Eddie gave you a hickey and doesn’t remember that. Eddie was… no, Eddie couldn’t have been hard last night when he woke me up. 

That was just craziness, but then Buck felt it when they were cuddling. Eddie was responding to Buck again. Eddie’s hand moved to Buck’s knee. Buck breathed in slowly. 

“I should get going,” Buck finally said. Eddie looked disappointed, but let Buck go. 

“Yeah, I gotta go pick up Chris. Thanks for checking on me,” Eddie said softly. 

Buck went to put his shoes on as Eddie started to clean up the kitchen. Buck stood there and watched him for a moment. They were too close. They were both lonely and too close. That was the only thing that made sense to the bisexual male. 

Was Eddie not straight?

“See you, Eddie!” Buck spoke loudly before walking out to get the Uber back to Hawthorne. Back to his life. Back to a life where he could pretend he wasn’t in love with Edmundo Diaz. 

-Sunday at Noon, WeHo Pride Parade- 

The three of them stood next to the street. Ashley had given Buck a tank top one size too small with the bisexual flag across his chest. The three of them cheered and waved at the floats. 

Once the parade was over, Jay dragged Buck to all the booths inside the park. They looked at different things until Jay took him into the adult area. Ashley was laughing at how enthusiastic Jay was about exposing Buck to things. 

“You know, just because I am a baby Bi as you guys call me, doesn’t mean I’m not kinky,” Buck told him with a laugh. 

Jay held up a bondage rope and laughed. “Wait, you mean with women you liked to be a little dominant?” Jay asked him. 

Ashley was rolling her eyes at the two of them. Then she noticed the hickey just as Jay did. “Wait, you hung out with Ashley last night? Did you guys?” 

“No!!” They both yelled at the same time. Jay wasn’t convinced. 

“Liars! Ashley, you slut,” Jay said with a laugh. 

Buck laughed. “After Ashley left last night, I went to check on my best friend. I don’t exactly know how it happened. We didn’t have sex or anything. I just woke up and had this on my neck. I pretty sure his drunk ass did it,” Buck admitted to them. Buck held up a cock ring with a smile. 

Jay and Ashley stared at him. “The straight one?” Ashley asked. 

Buck laughed. “That’s the one!” Buck told her. 

Ashley and Jay stared at each other. “Did anything else happen?” Jay asked. 

Buck shrugged. “Nothing I would constitute it being more than him being drunk or his usual jealous self,” Buck told them like this was a normal thing. 

“He’s queer!” Jay yelled at him. Ashley and him laughing. 

“Wait, you really think so? Why wouldn’t he just tell me?” Buck asked. Buck put the cock ring into the little basket and picked up a thing of plugs like this was the most normal thing to do while talking about his straight best friend. 

“Let me hold your hand while I tell you this,” Ashley said and took his hand. “When you were figuring yourself out, was there ever a time you were scared to tell him?” Ashley asked. 

Buck held her hand and looked at her. “Well, he was catholic growing up, so hell yeah,” Buck told her. 

Jay and Ashley share another look. Jay nodded at Ashley. “Well, maybe what is going on is that he has some internalized homophobia. He might also be scared to be honest if he is queer or gay. All his life, he has lived his life in this box,” Ashley told him. Ashley squeezed his hand. 

“I have to talk to him, don’t I? I don’t think I’m ready for him to tell me if he is,” Buck told them honestly. 

I’m not your last.

Ashley nodded her head. “It’s okay if you are or you aren’t, just be ready when he is ready to talk to you, okay? Give him the space like he did you,” Ashley told him. 

Their hands fell, and they went back to looking at things. Buck bought his things and thought for a moment. 

Tommy was right. Eddie isn’t straight, but he isn’t ready yet. 

The rest of the day went quickly. The three of them parted ways, and Buck went home. He laid down on the couch and looked at the texts with Eddie recently. A question in his head. Buck wasn’t ready. Buck couldn’t hang out with Eddie until he was sure that Eddie was ready to be honest with him. 

I’m sorry, Eddie, this is for your good and my sanity. I hope you understand. 

Buck : Hi Eddie. I hope you are doing good. I had fun this morning. I just wanted to be honest with you. I shouldn’t do this over text, but I need some space. I hope you understand that. 

Buck : And you didn’t do anything wrong. I just think that I need to focus on my grief for a bit. 

Buck : Talk soon. 

That was that. Buck finally ripped the band-aid off. Buck cried a bit and hugged the pillow to his chest. He hated that he did it like this, but he couldn’t tell him to his face. Buck was in love with Eddie and wasn’t ready for this. 

Chapter Text

Love can be multiple things, but it was tragic for Edmundo Diaz. Act IV: The Tragedy of Losing Evan Buckley. Who did Eddie have to blame for never being worthy of love, of joy? Eddie would blame himself. The internalized homophobia caused him to lose that one person who would always be there, right? Was this forever? Was it just temporary? Was Buck ever going to come back? 

The thought of never having Buck again? Well, that was all Eddie could think about right now. 

Joy? What was joy? Maybe focusing on Chris and his tournament would be the one thing that would save him. 

Or could an unexpected drop in be exactly what Eddie needs? A guest with a different perspective on life, someone who could understand him, maybe a little more than most would. Someone who has lived their truth in a way. Someone who was different, but the same. Someone who knew Eddie a little too well at times. 

-8 weeks after Buck left the 118-

-Sunday night- 

Patience wasn’t Eddie’s strong suit, not when it came to Evan Buckley. How was he supposed to go without a daily dose of Buck? Buck was an addiction for Eddie; without a simple dose, he would have intense withdrawals. They always had been Eddie and Buck. Being hungover also wasn’t helping the way his heart felt. Chris was asleep down the hall. Eddie was sitting on his bed, and then he wasn’t. 

No!

Eddie’s mind was screaming at him. Eddie could only think about that one thing, Evan Buckley. 

I love the way his curls fall across his forehead when he is sweaty or drenched in water. 

Three minutes and seventeen seconds. 

The way he laughs is the best sound. 

Buck.Buck.Buck. 

“What the fuck?”Eddie mumbled to himself. Eddie’s eyes were wide, and tears were in them. He tried his normal headshake, but that didn’t clear the emotions. It was like everything burned and shattered at that text. Eddie held his hand over his mouth as the first sob shot through his body. The feeling of Buck's words piercing through his soul. 

Buck:

You didn’t do anything wrong. I just think that I need to focus on my grief for a bit. 

I did everything wrong. 

I wasn’t enough. 

I wasn’t worthy of you. 

Buck:

Talk soon. 

“Talk soon?” Eddie mumbled. Part of his heart left the house this morning; the other part was down the hall, sleeping. 

Eddie knew how dramatic he could be, but this was Evan Buckley. The man had been a constant in his life for most of their almost eight years of friendship. Maybe the issues they had at times revolved around how Eddie was. Part of his heart would always be Buck, regardless of whether he knew it or not. 

How many of Evan Buckley’s 97 acts were actually about Eddie? Probably enough to warrant this space. Eddie kept reading the texts over and over again. Self-punishment at its finest was happening. Eddie sat with his back to his bed in front of his dresser. His eyes were still leaking steadily. It felt like the day he heard Buck break down. 

‘I’m sorry, I've sucked as a friend lately. I hope you know you matter to me.’

It was too late to call Adriana; it was 9:35 PM in California, so it was all on Eddie to self-soothe. He had to work in the morning. He had to go to bed at some point. He had no choice but to pick himself up eventually off that floor.

Eddie had been spiraling for nearly two hours now. Eddie’s knees were in front of him, and he covered his mouth to quiet the next sob that rumbled through his whole body. His breathing was harsh as a panic attack rippled through his chest. He was sobbing, and the last time it was like this was when Bobby died.

Eddie wanted to hear Buck’s voice. Buck could always calm him down. Buck was the one thing he needed and the one thing he didn’t have right now. Eddie stared at the message. The words blurred together through exhaustion. He finally breathed slowly. 

The panic finally subsided. Then a new thought hit his mind, the one thing that put all the pieces together. 

Buck knows!

(Flashback to earlier, 7:00 AM) 

Eddie had his arms around Buck, and he spooned him from behind. Buck felt warm to Eddie’s cooler temperature, mostly because Buck had stolen the blankets again. His lips were against his shoulder. He kissed that spot right on his neck. He could feel his pulse beating steadily as little snores slipped from his lips. 

Buck is so beautiful . 

This was what Eddie wanted every day. Maybe it took him too long to understand that. Eddie pulled him closer, and then his lips kissed deeper, harder, and Buck moaned. Eddie was half-asleep, so he thought he had dreamed about giving Buck a hickey. This was the one thing they wanted so bad, and it was so close. Little did he know it was real. 

“Eddie,” Buck whispered. Eddie’s lips had paused against his skin. Maybe he could have this? Eddie froze in place. Buck was close to him. Eddie pulled him closer against his body. Their bodies pressed together, with Eddie’s arm holding Buck to him. His dick was pressing against his covered ass, and Eddie fell back to sleep finally. The feeling of closeness between the fabric. 

(End Flashback) 

The hickey was from him. Buck was Pissed. He had every right to be. 

Another quiet sob sounded from Eddie. He had no tears anymore; he was pretty sure he was dehydrated, but that didn’t matter to him. There was a sharp emotional ache in his chest. Eddie didn’t know if it was physical, but it felt like it could be. The way the emptiness had been occupied just earlier that day by Buck, by his Buck. 

Eddie didn’t know a life without Buck. During the lawsuit, they didn’t have each other, but that was so long ago. That wasn’t a life he wanted to have. Eddie didn’t know how to live without Buck. Eddie also doesn’t know how to tell Christopher that he has run another person out of his life. That he wasn’t worthy of the love that Buck had to give to him. 

Buck wouldn’t abandon Christopher . 

Eddie willed himself to crawl into bed. He pulled himself over to the spot where Buck slept earlier that morning. The pillows smelled like him. Buck wore a mix of peach shampoo with an aftershave, and a little bit of his body smell was present on that pillow. Eddie fell asleep, but it wasn’t a good sleep. It was nearly 1:00 AM the last time he looked at the clock.  

-Monday-

If anyone asked Eddie how he slept last night, it was greeted with a grumble. Eddie was exhausted and had to go to the station. 

Eddie was thankful Carla walked up as he left the house. Carla and Eddie made eye contact, and she stopped. “Eddie?” She started. 

Eddie stopped before her. He looked at her with those sad brown eyes. “Buck and I are taking some space. Please don’t tell Chris—” He whispered, defeated. 

Carla did what she always did. She stepped forward and wrapped Eddie in the biggest hug that she could. Her arms were around him, and he slipped his around her lower back. He sighed against her shoulder for a moment. He melted into that embrace. “I don’t know how to fix it, I always know how to fix it,” Eddie mumbled. 

Carla sighed gently. She nodded her head as she listened to him. “Just check in with him. When he’s ready, he’ll come around, you guys are Buck and Eddie,” she said softly to him. 

Eddie let out a couple of tears. He nodded his head and breathed out. He stepped back. “Thank you, Chris is still asleep,” He told her. 

Carla went inside, and Eddie climbed into the Prius. 

I need to trade this in. I hate this car so much. 

The Prius reminded him too much of El Paso, and he didn’t want that reminder anymore.

He pulled out his phone and scrolled to the text thread with Annoying Sister #2: 

Eddie: 

Adri, are you awake? 

Do you have a patient? 

It’s kinda important. 

Multiple texts were sent one after the other. 

Adriana: 

Call me. 

---

Eddie pressed the call button and listened to it connect to the Bluetooth. She barely let it ring before she answered. “Hey, Big Bro,” Adriana said. Eddie could hear the worry in her voice. He backed out of the driveway. 

“Hey–” Eddie said softly. He put the car in drive and started towards the fire station. 

“Just hey? What’s going on? You on your way to work?” Adriana asked all the questions over another. 

“Yeah, on my way. I barely slept. He—uh, cut me off last night. I dunno for how long,” he told her. 

Eddie could hear Adriana moving around, and then the sound of her phone falling. She sighed and picked it up. “Did you come out to him?” Adriana asked, sounding almost protective of him. 

Eddie was at a light. He tapped his fingers. “No, not exactly…” Eddie told her. 

“Edmundo, not exactly?” She asked. 

He sighed and turned left on the arrow. “We cuddled and I may have accidentally given him a hickey when I was not completely alert and he was asleep…” Eddie was so disappointed in himself for messing up. 

“You did what?!” She asked loudly. 

“I know, okay, I fucked up. I was hungover and told him to come into the bedroom because he was sleeping and looked uncomfortable on the couch. Apparently, he was being sweet and came to check on me because I didn’t text him back… or remember to tell him I got home,” he told her, stumbling over his words quickly. 

She sighed that disappointed one he had heard multiple times over her 25 years of life. “Well, yeah. What’d he say?” She asked. 

Eddie hummed as he turned down the road to the station. “He said that he needed space.” 

She breathed out again. “Okay, that’s doable. You can do that.” 

Eddie rolled his shoulder in frustration. “I want to fix it. I can fix it. I can always fix it when it comes to Buck.”

Adriana was quiet for a moment as Eddie pulled into his normal spot in the firehouse parking lot. He sat with his head against the steering wheel, not ready to face his team yet. “You’ll push him away.” She told him firmly. 

Eddie sighed. “Adri… I think I love him.” 

Adriana laughed. 

Rude.

“About damn time you figured that out,” She told him. 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Not the time, Adri.” 

She sighed. “I know, sorry! Give him some space.” 

“But what if he doesn’t come back? What if it's like Angel?” Eddie told her. 

Adriana hummed. “Angel?” 

He sighed. “You know exactly who Angel is, don’t play,” Eddie told her. 

“You mean the best friend from your sophomore to senior year?” Adriana asked. 

“Yeah, we kissed once, and I was straight . It broke him and our friendship because I didn’t understand my feelings. Dad said being gay was a sin all the time,” he told her. 

I was so repressed by them both. 

“Eddie’s got game! He was cute! I remember him,” Adriana said. 

Eddie sighed. “Also, not the time, Adriana,” Eddie told her, annoyed. 

“No, that is where you are wrong, Edmundo. It’s the time,” Adriana told him. 

Eddie sighed. “Absolutely not. You are bringing my shortcomings against me,” Eddie told her. 

“Listen to me for one minute, okay?” She asked. 

Eddie hummed. “Fine,” Eddie muttered. 

“Would it be so crazy that Buck feels played by what happened with you guys?” She asked him. 

Eddie’s eyes went wide. 

Fuck.

“I didn’t mean to do that,” Eddie whispered, broken. 

He wiped under his eyes as she spoke to him. “Does he know that?” Adriana asked. 

“No… I didn’t get a chance to explain it. I made a joke because I didn’t remember… I fucked up so big, Adriana,” Eddie mumbled. He sniffled.

“Eddie, take a breath. Give him time. Maybe send a text tomorrow to let him know you respect his choice and you will still be there no matter what,” She told him. 

Eddie took a breath and composed himself. “Okay, I’ll do that. Thanks, baby sis,” Eddie spoke softly. 

“I gotta go, my first patient is here. Love you!” She told him. She hung up. 

Eddie looked at himself and took a breath. He was finally able to pull himself out of the car. He walked inside and grabbed his stuff from his locker to change. 

Eddie was quiet when he changed. Ravi stood near him, already changed. “Hey Eddie,” Ravi said. 

Eddie wondered if everyone knew about Buck cutting him off. He felt that burn in his stomach again. “Morning, Ravi,” Eddie said as normally as he could muster in that moment. 

Eddie finished changing and turned to see Ravi staring at him. “Are you okay? You look tired. Is this because of the other night? Buck texted me, and he was worried, and I—” Ravi panicked. 

Eddie’s eyes went a little wide. “Ravi, breathe for me,” Eddie told him. 

Ravi took a breath. “You look like shit. I’m sorry that was rude,” Ravi said with a soft laugh.

Eddie laughed. “That was honest. I think I’m still a little groggy from all the liquor Saturday,” Eddie lied. 

Ravi nodded. “But Buck found you obviously, and you weren’t like choking in your vomit or anything?” He asked. 

Eddie laughed and walked out with him. “I was fine, Buck just panics sometimes,” Eddie told him. 

Put on a show. 

Ravi nodded. “Yeah, I guess?” Ravi shrugged. 

The two of them went up the stairs. Eddie had to put on his biggest theatrical performance of his life. Chimney sat with Hen eyeing him. Ravi and Eddie both stood in front of the coffee machine. 

“What do you think they are talking about?” Ravi asked. 

Me. About how I fucked over Buck again. 

“I have no idea, you want coffee?” Eddie asked. He grabbed them both a paper cup. 

“Yes, please,” Ravi said. Eddie poured them both a cup. Eddie handed one to Ravi so he could fix it up how he wanted. Eddie leaned against the counter behind him, he watched Hen and Chim whisper.

Chimney then stood up and walked over. “Hey, Eddie, would you mind being the man behind today? We have a new probie starting, plus you should be studying for your test, right?” Chimney asked him. 

Eddie nodded his head. “Actually, that would be great. I didn’t get a lot of sleep and could use the time to focus,” Eddie told him. 

Chimney looked at him. “If you need to talk about anything, come find me,” He said before walking back to Hen at the table. The two ate bagels and drank coffee together. They started whispering again, and Eddie knew something was up.  

Eddie then heard someone walking up the stairs. Dark brown hair was pulled back into a long ponytail that was braided like… 

“Sophia?” Eddie was surprised as he walked around the corner. Both Hen and Chimney laughed. They took a picture of the surprised Eddie as he stared at his other sister. “What?” Eddie looked at her LAFD uniform and then turned to look at Chimney. “What?” He repeated.

Eddie really started to think that the universe was punking him. Buck decided to leave, and now his older of his two sisters, the closest to his age, stood in front of the five of them in the kitchen area. They were all looking around. “Hi Eddie?” Sophia said with a grin. 

“Don’t you– hi, Eddie, me. I thought you were living in Arizona?” Eddie was so confused. Sophia was a wanderer, but she had hidden a lot from Eddie over the past year. They were distant, and now it started to make sense. “Does Mom and Dad know you are a firefighter?” Eddie asked her after a moment. Sophia was like looking in a mirror most days. She was bisexual, had her issues with religion, and went from relationship to relationship, never finding her person. Sophia was single, chaotic, and if she did guys more, she would be Buck’s type. 

“No, and you won’t tell them,” She told him. Everyone watched the siblings with interest now. “Excuse my rude older brother,” She told them all. “I am Sophia Diaz, the new probie. I have heard so much about all of you from Captain Han,” she told them. 

Eddie stared at her. Eddie sat next to Ravi on the couch. They both exchanged looks. “That’s your sister?” Ravi asked him. 

“Do not get any ideas,” Eddie told him. His protective instincts were coming in hard. He knew that he shouldn’t be so overprotective of his sister; she was an adult after all. She was about four years younger than Eddie. 

Ravi laughed as the two of them watched Sophia walk around with Hen and Chimney. “I wasn’t saying anything about her. I was just asking before I make an ass out of myself again. You know, like when I thought that one ex was your wife,” Ravi reminded him. 

Ana.

Eddie laughed. “Okay, fair enough. She is the middle child of my family. There’s me, Sophia, and then Adriana is the youngest at 25,” he explained. 

Having this distraction might be just what Eddie needed. Ravi smiled at him. “Well, good thing Buck isn’t here. She is pretty,” Ravi told him with a chuckle. And now he was thinking about Buck again. 

Eddie shoved him jokingly. “Hey! That’s still my sister,” Eddie muttered with a laugh. 

Ravi nodded. “So do we like her, or are we gonna try and get transferred asap?” Ravi asked. 

Eddie looked over at him. “It’s fine. I was just in shock… plus it’s like the universe is fucking with me again,” Eddie told him. 

Ravi looked around. “What happened?” Ravi asked, trying to be a good friend. Eddie knew it too. 

Do I tell him? 

Ravi might tell Buck his suspicions are true. 

Eddie looked at him. “I think Buck is spiraling more. He sent me this text and said that he needed some space. I think he is self-isolating more,” Eddie knew he sounded sad. 

Ravi put his hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry, man. That is rough. I know how much he means to you,” Ravi told him quietly. 

The two stared at each other, a silent understanding between them. Eddie wasn’t going to cry. No, he was at work, and his sister was here. He couldn’t show how depressed he was at that very moment. 

Be strong. 

No weakness. 

Be a man. 

Eddie could hear Ramon in his ears as he sat there. It was like his father was in his head, just screaming the things he used to cry about every night. 

Once you are alone, you can fall apart again. 

“Thanks, Ravi. It means a lot. I know that he will reach out when he is ready. All I can do is be ready when he is,” Eddie told him sadly. 

Then the alarm went off. Eddie sat there as they all took off. He watched as his sister got her gear on. Eddie was proud to see her there, even if he was still in shock. He was proud, and he would always be proud of both of his sisters. 

Once they were out of shot, Eddie started studying. He had the book on the table and wrote notes that were possibly for his certification test.  Eddie would write his part in two days. Eddie would officially know in 2-6 weeks if he passed or not. 

He felt alone more than usual in the empty fire station. He cooked lunch. He looked at the recipe that Buck had sent him a while ago. He was getting better at cooking, and this was a good distraction. 

@eddiebodywantssome: Channeling my inner chef for the @LAFD118. 

-Attached images: Eddie took a selfie before the stove, there was one of the stove, and then one of the dish in the oven. He made some lasagna; he might have followed the recipe that Buck had sent him.- 

Once everyone got back, Eddie watched as everyone ate and then went on another call. 

Eddie cleaned the firehouse while they were gone on one call, then went back to studying again. Running the notes through his head. 

The calendar alert popped up, and his heart dropped to his stomach. Tomorrow is Buck’s birthday. Eddie had gotten him a gift and everything, but he wouldn’t be able to give it to him now. It would stay in his closet at the back, hidden like his sexuality. Maybe he would give it to him one day, if Buck decided he wanted to come back around. Eddie would make sure to text him tomorrow to say happy birthday. 

The rest of the shift went by in a blur. The calls went, and Eddie actually slept since he was behind. Actually, Chimney probably saved everyone from dealing with grumpy Eddie. 

-Tuesday- 

The next morning, everyone ate breakfast together before the shift ended. Eddie went to change, and Sophia stood watching him. “What’s up, Soph?” Eddie asked as he pulled his Henley over his head. 

“I’ve been staying with Abuela. You were in El Paso when I showed up at your house. There was a truck out front, and I didn’t know who it was. I knocked and he had pretty eyes. I found out it was Buck from Adriana. I just told him I had the wrong house. I didn’t mean for this to be a surprise, but then I met Chimney and he found it endearing that I was following in your footsteps,” She told him. 

Eddie smiled and pulled Sophia into a hug. He kissed the top of her head like he did when they were kids. He smiled as he hugged her tightly. “It’s okay. I was just in shock when I saw you. The past few months have been hard on all of us,”  Eddie told her. 

Sophia nodded a little bit. “So, Buck? Is he your boyfriend?” She asked into the empty locker room. 

Eddie looked at her. “We have a lot to talk about. Buck is one of the things. Are you free tonight? Christopher is at Tia’s tonight, but we could have dinner and hang out?” Eddie asked his sister. 

Sophia nodded her head. “I think I can make that work. Oh, and Eddie, you look really sad. I’m here if you need to talk. I know I am not as good as Adri about the feelings stuff, but I am still older than her and wiser,” she teased. 

Eddie playfully messed up her hair before he stepped back. “I’ll see you later. Also, please don’t go around calling guys my boyfriend, okay?” Eddie told her. 

Sophia laughed as Eddie walked out of the locker room. Eddie had the duffle draped over his shoulder and headed to his car. Once inside, he pulled his phone out. He pulled up the text thread to Buck. 

Eddie: 

I know I am probably the last person you want to hear from right now. I just need you to know that I am here whenever you are ready. I will always be here, waiting and wondering. 

Eddie: 

Happy 34th birthday. I hope you have a good day today. 

Eddie: 

And if you need to talk after therapy I’m here just to listen. 

Eddie watched as the dots appeared for a moment, then they went away. His heart sank as he was left on read. He had suspected that, at least. 

Eddie backed out of his spot and drove straight home. Carla and Chris were gone when he got there, but he was thankful for that. He went and showered. His mind was wandering as he laid his head against the tile wall. The same wall that he always thought against in long showers. The water rushed over him as he felt his body relax. 

About twenty minutes later, Eddie set his alarm and laid down on the bed. He curled up on his normal side. The memories of Sunday on his mind again, but he knew that he needed to get some sleep right now. He needed to be present for Chris to tell him what happened. 

Little did Eddie know, Buck and Chris were still talking. Chris would text Buck about things, and of course, Buck would never cut off Christopher Diaz. 

Eddie fell right to sleep; he was thankful that he was still exhausted just enough. Pepa took Chris tonight so he could focus on studying for his exam tomorrow. Eddie wasn’t sure he was ready, but knew that he needed time. 

-3:00 PM-

Beep. Beep. Beep.  

Eddie woke up to the sound of his phone alarm going off. The life of a firefighter and their crazy sleep schedule was always fun. Eddie hadn’t missed this part of the job, but it helped to keep him on track for when he was working to try and stay in the same routines. 

Eddie pulled a tank top on and grabbed his phone. He headed out of the room and down the hall with his phone in his hand. He set it down and went to find his book, notes, and notebook to start studying once more. 

A new text message came in as soon as he opened the book. 

Maybe it’s Buck? 

He opened his phone and sighed. 

It wasn’t. 

New text message from Annoying Sister #1:

Sophia:

hey loser! 

what time do u want me to come over? 

Eddie laughed at the message. “Rude,” he muttered. He then texted her back. 

Eddie: 

Whenever works for you. Just starting to study for my cert tomorrow. 

Sophia: 

i can help. 

it’ll be like hs all over again! 

Eddie: 

Sure. You good with Thai tonight? We can order later. 

Sophia: 

that works!

see you in 30! 

Eddie looked at his clothes and rolled his eyes. It was his sister, but he didn’t want to look like he didn’t try. He stood up and walked back to his room. 

Eddie walked to the closet and opened it. The gift, wrapped in blue and green wrapping paper, stared at him. It taunted him. Eddie could feel that dull ache in his chest once again at the thought of Evan Buckley. “Way to be pathetic, it’s been 2 days without hearing his voice, seeing a text,  or being near him. How did you ever survive in Texas?” Eddie asked himself. Eddie knew how needy he was for Buck, but this man felt like his whole world was right behind Christopher. He was just unsure of how long he could really survive in this space. 

Eddie reached up and grabbed a gray V-neck t-shirt out of the closet. He closed the door again and then went to his dresser. He pulled out a pair of dark blue jeans and set them on the bed. He took off the tank top and pulled on the shirt. He then took his sweats off and set them on the bed with the tank top. He pulled the jeans up and buttoned them, and zipped them.

Eddie hummed to himself as he walked out of the bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom. He went inside and fixed his hair. He added a little water to his fingers and messily styled it without product. Once he was okay with it, he heard the knock at the door. 

Eddie walked down the hall and opened the door. “Hey brat!” Eddie said with a grin to his sister. 

Sophia rolled her eyes before hugging him. “Okay, that was rude,” she complained. 

Eddie laughed. “Didn’t you text me and call me a loser earlier?” He teased as he stepped back from the hug. 

Sophia walked inside the house. She smiled as she looked around a bit. “Not bad, not bad,” she told him. 

The two of them sat at the table for a few hours. Sophia would read off a question, and Eddie would answer in detail and explain the procedure they would take in an emergency situation. They worked well together, but that wasn’t anything new. The two were about three years apart in school. They did everything together, and they even studied from Sophia in middle school until Eddie graduated from high school together. They had taken a break to order Thai food and then went back at it until it arrived. 

Around 6:00 PM, they stopped for a bit, and the two of them set the table and put all the boxes out front. Eddie took a picture of the spread, then pulled her close. The two of them stood posing for a selfie together. Eddie posted both pictures to his Instagram account. Part of him hoped that Buck would see it. 

@eddiebodywantssome: 6:05 PM Dinner with @itsasophworld, study session before my cert tomorrow! 

The two loaded their plates with what they wanted and sat down to eat. Eddie was drinking water, and his sister was drinking a beer that Eddie got for her. 

“So, you ever going to tell me about the guy who was living here a few months ago?” Sophia asked before she took another bite of food. 

Eddie watched her for a minute, his eyes narrowed, before he hummed. “That was Buck. He was subletting while I was working on things with Chris in El Paso.” Eddie told her. 

Sophia took a sip of beer, and she narrowed her eyes. “That’s all I am going to get?” She asked him. 

Eddie swore it was like looking in a mirror at that moment. Sophia always called him on his bullshit, and he knew it. “No, he’s also my best friend,” Eddie started. 

Sophia raised her brow and tilted her head to the side. “Just a best friend?” She asked. 

Eddie glared at her. “No– well, I’m not sure anymore, actually,” Eddie admitted sadly. 

Sophia stared as she finished a bite. “What do you mean, not anymore?” She asked carefully. 

Eddie looked at her. “I dunno,” he mumbled. 

She tilted her head the other way. “Tell me,” she told him sternly. 

“Okay, but you gotta promise no judgment first, okay?” Eddie asked her. 

Sophia looked at him. She smiled and held her hand up, pretending to do the Girl Scout salute for him. “No judgment,” she promised. 

Eddie laughed. “I kinda did something and I messed up because I didn’t really remember it right away,” Eddie told her sadly. Eddie pushed his food around with his fork. 

She nodded her head. “Do you wanna talk about it with me? I know I’m not Adri's level of expertise, but I’m also a huge screw up too.” She joked. 

Eddie laughed. “Soph… I’m gay,” Eddie told her gently. 

She started laughing and then stopped. “Sorry, I know. I so knew it! I always thought you and Angel had that thing going on in your senior year, and then you met Shann,” she told him. 

He looked at her with wide eyes. “You knew I was gay?!” He asked loudly. 

“You guys were kinda obvious, at least he was, you were trying to hide from the church, from Dad, from Mom’s stupid attitude towards the gays,” she told him gently. 

Eddie looked at her. “It was not a thing,” he tried to counter. 

“Maybe not for straight Edmundo Diaz, the son of the great Ramon Diaz,” she mocked a little. 

Eddie rolled his eyes at her. “Fair enough. I messed up the two best guys in my life. I guess it’s a pattern, huh?” He asked. 

She looked at him. “Buck? Start from the beginning and tell me about him. I wanna know everything, you have pictures of him with Chris everywhere, so he’s important. If he’s important to you, then he’s family,” she told him. 

He breathed out before he told her everything, from the first time he met Buck to the will, to the shooting, to almost losing Buck 2 years ago. Then he told her when he actually knew he was in love with Buck. It wasn’t when most would assume. It was when Buck had come out to Eddie. He never thought that he could be an option, and he lost his chance. If he ever got the chance again? Eddie would never let Buck go. He was determined to fix things, but first, he would work on giving Buck space.  

Later, after Sophia left, Eddie picked up his phone again. No texts from Buck or missed calls. He frowned, and then he saw a handful of notification banners from Instagram. @Firehose has made a post, @Firehose had posted a story, @Firehose has liked your post, @Firehose commented on your post . 

“Oh shit,” Eddie mumbled to himself before pressing on the last one. 

@Firehose: Good Luck on your test tomorrow! 

Eddie felt the burn of joy and sorrow in his gut. “He still cares,” Eddie mumbled. He then decided to post for his best friend’s birthday. The one he usually did.

@Eddiebodywantssome: Happy Birthday to the best guy in my life, my best friend, and so much more. Thank you for always being you, Buck. You are the light in all of our lives. I hope your day was so special. 🎉

*A collage of photos of them, Christopher, and the 118 was posted to the post.* Eddie also shared it to his story for a double notice from Buck.

There were so many likes on the post, Eddie missed the one from Buck. He didn’t miss the story of the three of them from that picture collage. When Eddie saw that right before going to sleep for the night, he smiled to himself, hopeful about the future. Maybe just maybe, one day he could have Buck as more. 

-Wednesday, Certification test-

Eddie woke up to a surprise knock on his door at 7:00 AM. He opened the door to a DoorDasher who handed him a specialty coffee and breakfast burrito from his two favorite places. Eddie looked at the receipts that were hanging off both items. He looked at the special note and chuckled. 

Note: 

Hey! Hope you know you’ll kick ass today! Enjoy your day and know you’ll come out the other side as Paramedic Diaz - Buck 

Eddie stared at the note. “Talk about mixed signals,” Eddie mumbled. However, this was just like Buck to plan something even if they were not talking. 

Eddie unwrapped the burrito and put some salsa on it. He smiled as he took a bite. It was his favorite breakfast burrito: carne asada, egg, potatoes, green chile, and cheese. It was from a place nearby that they frequented together, and the coffee shop was near there as well. The burrito was a reminder that the space wasn’t forever, and one day they would be okay again. 

When Eddie finished eating, he went back to the bedroom. He unplugged his phone from the charger. He sat on the edge of the bed and opened the text thread with Buck. 

Eddie: 

Thank you for breakfast. Hope you had a fantastic birthday! If you decide you wanna meet up later. I have something for you. But I know you need space. 

Hope you have an amazing day and remember I’ll always be here whenever you are ready.

His emotional state was a lot better than the previous three days. He showered using the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash set that Buck got him for Christmas. Once he was done in the shower, he dried off and pulled on his briefs. He then shaved his face except for his mustache. He then grabbed a little gel, warmed it between his fingers, and styled his hair with a side part like he used to do. He liked that and enjoyed the way he looked. 

He dressed in his firefighter uniform. He fixed his uniform before he grabbed his bag. He walked out the door to the Prius. 

The drive to the test site was okay. Eddie went over the procedures he had studied over and over in his head while he drove. He knew he was ready. Studying with Sophia last night was a perfect end to this journey. 

He walked into the LAFD testing site. He registered at the receptionist and waited with ten other members of the LAFD. The area was quiet as the nervous energy from everyone was felt. 

Once the room opened, everyone walked in. He found a spot where he couldn’t be distracted by anyone around him. The tests were placed down before each person in the room. They all sat there and waited for the proctor to begin the test. Eddie thought about Buck and Chris; he wanted to make both of them proud. He pressed his fingers to his St. Christopher medallion and prayed silently to himself to pass. 

He went through and answered the multiple-choice questions feeling confident. The next several hours focused on the writing portion of the test. He was thankful that they received the prompt he knew the answer to in his sleep. He could write their steps and explain any complications in detail. It also helped that they had this exact scenario a week ago, so he had field experience with it recently. 

When the test finished, he walked out feeling accomplished that he had finally finished this journey. He walked out to the Prius and turned his phone back on. He sat back and turned the air on. He watched as multiple texts came in: 4 text messages and 20 group texts. 

Sophia: 

happy “u are going to be a bad ass paramedic” day! 

love u, loser! 

Chris: 

Dad! Love you! You’ll get this! 

Ravi:

Don’t forget me, when you are Hen’s partner k? 

Buck:

Not ready. But you’ll pass with all the colors! I am so proud of you. 

I am so proud of you . 

Those words felt like a bottle of joy and a stab to the gut at the same time. Eddie wasn’t sure how he was supposed to live up to his expectations with all of that. 

-Group Chat: 118’s totally serious work chat- 

Hen: 

Special Dinner tomorrow for Eddie, no longer studying? 

Soph was added to the chat. 

Soph: 

can we get loser a cake? 

Chim: 

Cake and tacos? 

Ravi: 

yaaaas! 

Ravi: 

Hen: 

I’ll get him all the tacos! 

Soph: 

he can see this! 

Chim:

Oh well! So proud Eddie! 

Hen: 

Second that! 

Ravi: 

sappy in here. gonna go KMS! 

Soph: 

u are so dramatic. 

Chim: 

No KYS! 

Hen: 

Yeah, we need you! 

Ravi: 

fine! 

Soph: 

loser gonna laugh at this! 

Chim: 

You call him loser?

Soph: 

yep! he calls me annoying sister #1 or brat. kinda rude! 

Ravi: 

@soph 

Hen:

Siblings! 

Eddie:

Thank you all! You the best!! 

Eddie drove to Pepa’s house to pick up Christopher. There was one problem: when Eddie showed up, she was confused. “ ‘mundo, what are you doing here?” She asked. 

Eddie had his shirt partially unbuttoned, and he was more relaxed from earlier. He looked at her, blinked a few times. “I’m here for Chris?” He asked, confused. 

Then he noticed the quiet. There were no telenovelas playing at this time of day, and Chris’s crutches were not in the normal spot, nor was his bag. She sighed. “Chris said that he told you he was hanging with Evancito for a bit. Even he thought Chris told you,” She told him concerned. 

Chris!

He knew that Buck wasn’t the issue here. Chris and Eddie needed to be better at communicating, and he thought they were doing better. He decided to lie for Chris. “Oh, right! I forgot, silly me,” He said with a laugh to sell it. 

She stared at him, reading his mood. “How was your test?” She asked before hugging him. 

He melted into her arms for a moment. He really did love spending time with her and his abuela. “Ah, I think I passed. I should know in a few weeks,” he told her. 

She nodded her head. “Oh, good! I am so proud of you. You are going to make an amazing paramedic,” she told him. 

Don’t cry. 

He could feel the warmth in his chest as he heard her talk about being proud of him. Eddie smiled. “Thank you, Tia,” he muttered. He then pulled her into another hug. “I should get home. I’ll come over on Saturday for dinner,” he told her. 

“Of course, you work this Sunday?” She asked. Eddie nodded. 

She walked him to the door, and he left. He went out to the car and sat in it for a minute. 

Eddie: 

You didn’t tell me about hanging with Buck? 

Chris: 

Sorry! 

Eddie connected the phone to his Bluetooth and called Christopher. Chris picked up almost instantly. He could hear Buck in the background. “What do you mean you didn’t ask your dad? Chris, we don’t lie or hide things from your father. What if—” Buck sounded upset with Chris. 

Almost like the second father Chris had. 

“Christopher Diaz, put me on speaker right now,” Eddie told him sternly. He was starting to drive home. 

He could hear Chris stumbling with the phone. A door or something opens, and the two outside somewhere together. “Okay, you are,” Chris told him. 

Buck sighed. “Eddie, I told him to tell you two days ago when he asked if we could hang out. He asked to go to the history museum, and I swear if I knew that he didn’t ask, I wouldn’t have picked him up,” Buck told him. 

Eddie felt sick at the sound of Buck’s words. It wasn’t the fact that he was with Buck, it was that he didn’t tell him. “I’m not mad. I’m disappointed that Chris kept this from me. I had to lie to Pepa, and I never do that. We even talked to Chris for a bit last night,” He told them. 

Buck made a noise at the we . “Wait! Dad, I’m sorry. I forgot until Buck picked me up. I thought you were still at your test. I was going to text you again,” Chris defended. 

Eddie started driving. “Well, now, it’s fine, but please be honest with Buck and I from now on.” 

Chris sighed. “Yeah, of course, Dad,” Chris told him. 

Eddie sighed. “Chris, take me off speaker and give the phone to Buck, okay?” He asked. 

Buck cleared his throat before he spoke. “Hi?” 

He sighed at the awkward feeling in his gut. “Hey… can you not tell Chris about us? I’ll tell him tonight,” Eddie told him. 

Buck laughed. “You know how that sounds, right? But, of course,” Buck teased him. 

Okay, that almost sounded… normal. 

He pulled over, and he felt the burning in his stomach again. The way his laugh made every fiber of his body ignite in need. He needed Buck to laugh. He needed Buck to be with him in that moment.  “Buck, I’m sorry he deceived you. I guess that’s a Diaz thing.. Can you bring him home after your day out?” He asked. 

Buck laughed again. He might die just from that sound, the way it brought both pain and joy to his life. “Yeah, we are doing this museum and then dinner, does 7 work?” Buck asked. 

He laughed this time. “That works. I’ll tell Soph he’s taking a rain check,” he told him. 

Buck coughed. “Who?” He asked. 

Eddie sighed. “My sister is living in L.A. and is our new probie,” he told him.. 

Buck laughed nervously. Eddie knew that laugh too well. “The girl in the picture?” Buck asked, and he sounded relieved. 

Eddie rolled his eyes at the question. “Buck, yes, that’s my sister,” he told him. 

Buck cleared his throat. “Oh! Well, glad she’s here. Well, gotta go, bye!” Buck told him and then hung up on Eddie. 

Eddie squinted as his music started again. He drove the rest of the way home thinking about the last part of that conversation. 

Was Buck jealous of Sophia? 

-7:00 PM-   

Eddie heard the door and looked up from his book. He watched as Chris walked in. The sound of his crutches scraping against the floor. Then he watched as Chris put them next to the door. He watched as Chris waved bye to Buck. It was a little saddening to know that Buck wasn’t coming in, not even to acknowledge him or what happened. 

Of course.  

Chris walked to the couch and avoided his father’s gaze. “Hi Dad,” Chris said quietly. 

He stood and looked at Chris. “So we have a few things we should discuss, okay?” He spoke calmly. 

He wasn’t mad, and he needed Chris to know that. Chris sat on the couch, and Eddie looked at him. “Dad, I’m really sorry. Buck told me I should always tell you even if you are busy doing something. I know I messed up. And if you think grounding me is punishment, I agree.” Eddie felt his stomach flip at the sound of Chris taking responsibility. 

He was proud of Chris for being honest and apologizing for the miscommunication. He took a seat on the coffee table facing him. “Okay, we have to talk first, okay?” He swallowed hard. 

Chris looked up finally, meeting his eyes. “Did someone else die?” Chris asked. 

He looked at him. “No, oh god. Chris, no,” he reassured his son. He reached over and touched Chris’ knees and squeezed them comfortingly. 

Chris let out a breath. 

It’s like looking in a mirror.  

He met his eyes. “You’ll do better at communicating with me about hanging with Buck,” he swallowed hard before continuing. “Buck has a lot going on right now. So… he and I are taking some time apart. Buck told me he still would like to see you, and I am okay with that as long as you communicate with me,” he told him softly. 

Their eyes met for a moment. Chris’ mouth hung open. “Did you tell him?” He asked. 

He shook his head. “He didn’t let me. So when he’s ready, I will,” he promised. 

Chris leaned over and hugged his father. “I’m sorry, I know how much he means to you.” 

Eddie let his tears fall slightly as they hugged. “It’s okay, bud. I’ll tell him soon.”

I hope . 

His fingers ran through Chris’ curls. He held his son close. All he could focus on was being the Dad that Chris needed. “Dad?” Chris whispered. 

He blinked a few times to stop the tears from leaking. “Yeah?” He mumbled against his forehead as he pressed a kiss there. 

Chris pulled back and looked up at him. Eddie’s eyes were a little red. “You are gonna be okay, kid,” he told him. 

Don’t fall apart. 

He smiled at Chris. “As long as I have you. Do you want some ice cream?” Eddie asked. 

Chris nodded. Both of them got up. Eddie walked into the kitchen first. He grabbed bowls from the cabinet. 

While Eddie was grabbing the bowls, Chris had grabbed the two tubs of ice cream, one cookie dough, and one strawberry. He grabbed the ice scoop from the drawer next to the sink. He scooped a scoop from each tub of ice cream, so they both had one scoop of cookie dough and one scoop of strawberry. While Eddie grabbed the spoons from the drawer, Chris put up the tubs of ice cream so they wouldn’t melt. He placed a spoon in each bowl and set them down on the table for them. Chris took his usual spot at the table, and Eddie sat across from him. 

Both of them were lost in their thoughts. Chris was also scrolling on his phone, while Eddie thought of simpler times. He licked the spoon and remembered that Buck would make fun of them for mixing flavors that shouldn’t be together. That was before things got so complicated between them. Moments with Chris and Buck always felt right for him. It was like they had been a family unit since Buck first met Chris. There was no one who he trusted more with his son for a reason. Buck would move heaven and hell to make Chris happy, even if it also meant sacrificing himself. 

Buck was his home, well, Buck and Chris both were. When they were all together, it felt right to him. He knew he had to show Buck where he belonged. He wasn’t sure how he could do that right now, but he would try his hardest once Buck was ready. 

Once they finished their ice cream, Chris went to shower and he cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. He washed the bowls, spoon, and scooper, setting them in the dish rack to dry. He turned off the kitchen light and then went to grab the book. He smiled as he curled up with the book and read through it. It was a queer romance book that Buck had left, and he wanted to know everything about it so he could talk to him about it. 

Totally not obsessed or anything. 

Once Chris decided to sleep, he grabbed the book and went to the bedroom. He laid down and kept reading. “Oh my god, this is totally porn,” he mumbled to himself. Buck had left this in Eddie’s closet in the back. Part of him was wondering if this was why. The book was about a baker and a teacher who meet by accident and end up having a hot fling. He might have been a little hooked on the idea. 

After a bit, he finally put the book away. He set it on his nightstand and rolled over. His fingers grazed the pillow where Buck had slept just 4 days before. The smell slightly lingered, but not much. He’d have to wash the blankets tomorrow, and he would be gone again from his scent. The comfort of Buck’s smell would be gone.

That wasn’t the only thing that happened that night. No, Eddie had another dream. This dream was like a three-tier dream of something he never expected to have. 

Now, dreams were more common about Buck; sometimes they were nightmares where Eddie couldn’t save him. Other times, they were sexual or romantic. 

Tonight though? Eddie had put himself in that book with Buck as the love interest. Evan Buckley was a baker near the school where Eddie Diaz taught 3rd grade. 

A loud crash, and then a voice came from behind the closed door. “Just a minute!” the voice yelled through the door. That voice belonged to no other than Buck. Eddie had been out in the book as a gay man for at least a year. He was proud of the dream version of him, at least. He often wondered what could be out there for the teacher in this world. Then the door pushed open, and his mouth hung open. The baker was tall, had curly hair, had muscles, and an apron wrapped around his body. His eyes focused on the tattoos on his forearm, the double line almost matching the words on his arm. He looked at him for a moment. Their eyes met, and Buck smiled. 

“Good morning, welcome to Sweets n’ More! I am Buck, and I can help you with your sweets of choice,” he told him. Buck stared at Eddie, his eyes taking in the teacher dressed in black slacks, a brown button-up, and boots. 

He forgot how to breathe momentarily as he drank in the sight of the baker. He cleared his throat after a moment. “Good morning,” Handsome he wanted to add, but didn’t. He stood before him and pulled out his order form. “I need three dozen cupcakes for a 3rd grade party. We are celebrating high marks on their last test,” he told him. 

Buck adjusted his nametag on his apron and nodded his head. “Oh yes! I love celebration cupcakes for kids,” he said excitedly. He smiled at him as he took the order form. “Can I make a suggestion?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded his head. “Of course, Mr. Baker,” he flirted. 

Buck’s face was red, and his birthmark looked brighter; he liked that. “I can make any kind of cupcakes needed, and I can also create allergen-free cupcakes,” Buck told him. 

He ordered a few items different than what he had put on the order form. The flavours were something he was sure they would like. He even got a dozen that were allergen-free. Eddie went to pull out his wallet to pay, and Buck’s eyes were on his hand on his wallet. The rainbow sticker that his son had placed there. 

“Are you part of the community too?” Buck asked and nodded to the sticker. 

Too? TOO?

Eddie nodded. “I am. My son put this on my wallet recently. He said it was so people would see it and know I was safe,” he told him.

Buck nodded his head. “That is wise. He sounds great,” he told him. 

Eddie nodded. “He is the best,” he agreed. 

Buck smiled. “Would you like to come by later, and we could make these together?” He asked. 

A smile spread across his lips. “That sounds perfect. Here’s my number,” he told him. He handed him a piece of paper with his number and name. 

Buck nodded his head. “What if, in exchange for you wanting cupcakes for the kids? You baking them with me is payment enough?” Buck told him. Buck winked at him, and Eddie thought he might have a heart attack. 

Is he flirting?

His face grew warm, and he blushed. “Are you sure?” He asked. 

Buck sent Eddie a text. 

Unknown: 

😉

Buck nodded. “I’m so sure. Text me after you're done for the day. I close around three, and we can meet anytime after that. We can grab good and make it a date if you want?” He asked. 

I want . 

Eddie nodded. “I’ll bring the food. You and I will have a lovely time baking,” he told him. 

The dream shifted to Buck and Eddie in the kitchen from the book in the bakery. Both of them laughed. A tray of cupcakes sat on one counter. He took a spatula and wiped some of the leftover cupcake batter on Buck's cheek. Buck’s mouth dropped open. “Eddie!” He said with a laugh. 

Two wine glasses sat on one side. The brunette ran to the other side of the counter to dodge the tall, lanky man chasing him with the mixing bowl they were about to clean to start another batch. “Ahhh!” He yelled as he nearly slipped on flour on the floor. 

Buck caught him. He pressed against a wall by Buck, and Buck pressed his fingers into the bowl. He swiped his finger over his cheek, nose, and chin. A smile on his lips as he set the bowl behind them. He went to push away from the wall, but Buck pressed him back between the fridge and freezer. Both of them smiled. “You’re so pretty in my batter,” Buck teased. 

Eddie closed the distance. He pulled on Buck’s hips, and their lips met. The kiss was sweet and needy, and Buck controlled it. Eddie pulled away for a few. “Is this okay?” He asked. Buck laughed and then pressed him back into the wall. 

“Are you really asking that when I pinned you here?” Buck asked. He smiled and pulled him back into a kiss. Their tongues rubbed together this time, chasing the other’s tongue in a delightful kiss. The kiss was hungry, and both men were clawing at their clothes. 

Eddie pulled back and untied the apron and tugged it off of Buck. He then pulled his shirt off. He made eye contact with him. He leaned in and let his lips nip into his flesh. His tongue pressed to his chest over the tattoo there. He started to suck a mark into his chest. 

The dream then shifted again. Eddie had whiplash from the change so fast. His body reacted to the feeling of being turned on. He was back on his couch nearly a year ago. The heartbreak was evident on Buck’s face. Eddie was in his moment; he was in his briefs and a pink button-up shirt. The two of them had a comfortable silence between them. 

Buck was never quiet for long, though.  Buck looked wrecked, and Eddie wanted to kill Tommy for the hurt. Eddie had liked Tommy initially, but he could sense that he wasn’t good enough for Buck. 

“Wanna tell me what happened?” Eddie asked after Buck had had his third beer. Buck shrugged. 

“He broke up with me. I asked him to move in. We were on different paths, I guess. I was fun until it got real for him, right?” Buck told him. 

Need to find ways to hide a body without getting caught.

How can anyone hurt him like this? 

Eddie looked at him. He shifted closer, part of him wished he had worn pants. He put his arm around Buck’s shoulders and touched that spot between his neck and collarbone where he felt his heart pounding under his touch. 

I can fix this. 

“It’s his loss if he doesn’t see what a great guy he had. You are better off without him,” Eddie told him. Eddie also wanted to punch Tommy in the face. That might make him feel better. The burn in his gut about all the feelings. Part of him was happy that Tommy no longer had his Buck. 

The next dream wasn’t a memory or like the others. This one was different. Buck looked happy as they stood in the backyard. Eddie held the water hose in his hand as he watered the plants. When he got plants, he wasn’t sure, but maybe they were Bucks? 

Buck grabbed the hose around Eddie’s hand. A smile spread on his lips as he turned the hose and sprayed Buck with it. Buck dropped his jaw. “EDMUNDO DIAZ!” He yelled in shock. Then he wrangled the hose from Eddie. 

He looks so pretty all wet.

Buck chased Eddie and then caught him. He put the water over his head and then smiled as he sprayed it down his chest. Eddie wrestled him for it. The hose fell out of his hand, and the two landed on the grass with a loud thud . Buck’s tank top clung to Buck’s chest. They laughed. Eddie went to stand up, but Buck pulled him back down. The two looked at each other as Eddie straddled his waist. 

Anyone could cut the tension between them with a knife. “Tell me to stop,” he told Buck. Buck smiled up at him with that stupid smirk. He closed the distance and kissed him hungrily. His tongue pressed against Buck’s as they kissed. Then Buck rolled them, and Eddie landed on his back under him. 

His legs were around Buck’s waist as they kissed deeper. The two of them were captivated by that moment. Buck unwrapped his legs and pressed him back down. His hips pressed against Eddie. The kiss broke after a moment. Eddie’s back was in a puddle, but neither of them moved. They panted and breathed hard as the kiss broke. 

Eddie pressed against Buck’s thigh. “You see what you did to me?” He asked.

Buck smiled. He pressed his knee against Eddie’s needy cock in his shorts. “Always knew you were slutty for me,” Buck told him, huskily. 

He gasped. “Did you just call me slutty?” He asked. He pressed his palm to Buck’s wet shirt. 

Buck smirked now. “What you gonna do about it, princess?” Buck taunted him. Buck pressed his thigh fully against him. Eddie bucked his hips up against that massive thigh. 

He groaned in response to the feeling. “Please– Oh fuck, please,” he begged. He forgot the banter for now. He hadn’t been touched in so long, and he needed it. 

Buck shook his head and got up. “Not until you realize what you must do,” Buck told him.

Eddie shot up in bed. “Seriously?” He mumbled to himself. He fell back against his pillows with a sigh. He looked down at his sweats, which had that little wet spot. The dreams caused another impossibly hard situation in his sweats with precum soaking through. He looked at the clock, and he had been dreaming for four painful hours. All of these situations were affecting him. 

He pulled his sweats down to mid-thigh. He wrapped his hand around his aching cock and decided to stroke himself. He used his thumb to gather precum. He used it to lube up his cock as he fucked into his hand. His hand worked over his cock as he shut his eyes. His hand worked skillfully over himself.  He pictured Buck’s hand as the one touching him. He knew it was probably unhinged, but he didn’t care. 

It took him about 5 minutes to cum. He shot over his chest and fingers. He let out a labored breath, trying not to be loud. Once he finished, he grabbed a tissue to clean himself up. 

He pulled his sweats on and went to wash his hands and clean up better in the bathroom. He flushed the tissue. He looked at his red face in the mirror. He washed himself up with a wash cloth and then washed his hands. 

I need to get sex toys if this is my life now. 

He smiled and walked back. He laid down and crashed back out. This time, no dreams laced his brain. 

-Thursday-  

The morning started normally. Eddie woke up, got Chris up, and then made them breakfast. They ate together, and then Eddie dropped Chris off at Pepa’s. 

He dropped Chris off at Pepa’s and drove to the station. His mind was back on Buck. He wondered what he was doing this weekend. “If I just ask him to talk for dinner, will he think I’m crazy?” He thought out loud. 

He zoned out at the stoplight. His mind thought about what it would be like to go on a date with Buck. He was starting to think he was crazy. A date with Buck? Would Buck even want to go on a date with him? Both of them dressed nicely, both of them smiling and touching. Both of them…

Honk! 

“Oh shit! The light is green.” He used his free hand as he turned down the street. He rubbed his face with that free hand to rub the thought from his mind. He then raised his hand, ap ologizing to the driver who rushed around him. They were in a hurry, but Eddie would arrive a little early. 

When he pulled up, he saw the back of Buck’s truck and thought he was seeing things, because there was no way that Buck had been at the station. “There’s no way,” he mumbled. 

Eddie parked in his normal spot. He sat in the car for a moment. 

He grabbed his phone and saw a few new texts in the group chat:

-Group Chat: 118’s totally serious work chat- 

Ravi: 

Soph??

Soph: 

ravi??

Ravi:

Where’d you go? 

Soph: 

to the bathroom. 

miss me already? 

Ravi: 

Whaaaat no? 

Soph: 

sure romeo. 

Hen: 

Did you guys forget what you are supposed to be doing? 

Soph: 

sorry! 

brt Ravi!

He laughed and shook his head. Ravi was flirting with his sister. He got himself situated and then got out. He grabbed the LAFD duffle from the backseat. He walked into the station and went to the locker room. 

He opened his locker and changed into his LAFD t-shirt, slacks, and boots. He set his stuff inside and then turned to fix his hair. His gel-free hair sat messy, but he didn’t care. He pushed it back, letting his hair slide into his eyes. 

He turned to walk out, but the two partners in crime greeted him. “Hello?” He asked. 

Ravi and Sophia blocked the door to the bay. “Um? Am I being held hostage?” He asked, looking between the two. 

Ravi looked at Sophia. She laughed. “What? No way!” She yelled a little loudly, clearly lying. 

Eddie laughed. “They are already using you to scheme?” He asked. 

Ravi clutched his chest dramatically. “That hurts, the betrayal, Edmundo,” He mocked and playfully fell to the floor. 

Eddie laughed and rolled his eyes. “Drama queen,” he teased. 

Ravi gasped. “That’s homophobic.” 

Sophia laughed. “Wait, you are gay?” She asked him. 

Ravi shook his head. “No, I’m bisexual. But he’s sooooo homophobic for that!” 

Eddie laughed and almost said he couldn’t be, but stopped himself. “So they are setting up?” He asked, changing the subject. 

Sophia nodded. “Act surprised, please. They put a lot into this, okay?” She begged. 

Eddie nodded. “Okay. Oh, and Ravi?” He started. Ravi stood up and looked at him. “Don’t even think about my sister,” Eddie reminded him. 

Sophia went wide-eyed at Eddie. “What? Eds, I’m 30! You can’t control my life!” She complained. 

Eddie pretended to gag. “You both were flirting in the work chat this morning, at least do the responsible thing and  DM or text each other. That’s my sister.” 

Okay, maybe I’m being too overprotective of Soph! I wanna protect her like she’s still a teen. 

Ravi looked at Eddie. “I’ll be more respectful. We were just teasing, Eddie. I swear,” Ravi promised. 

Sophia looked shocked. “Eddie, chill. I know the thing with Buck is—” Eddie cut off Sophia’s words as he pressed his hand to her mouth. 

Their eyes connected, and Eddie silently told her he wasn’t out to Ravi . 

“Sophia, they don’t know about Buck and me,” he pleaded, whispering into her ear. 

Sophia licked his hand, and he pulled it away and wiped it on her shoulder. “Sorry, I’ll shut up,” she told him. 

Ravi looked confused. “Eddie? What happened with Buck?” He asked. 

He sighed and looked down sadly. “Um, Buck asked for some space from me,” he mumbled. He forgot that he had already told Ravi that part. 

Ravi whispered something to Sophia. She left them alone. He grabbed Eddie’s shoulder and guided him to sit. “Eddie, I know how much he means to you. That sucks. Do you wanna talk about what happened this time?” He asked Eddie. 

Eddie sat staring at the empty locker, Buck’s locker. “I really want to fix it. He won’t text me back. I think I might lose him for real,” he told him. 

Ravi wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Eddie leaned into it. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend it was Buck for half a second.  “You guys are Buck and Eddie, you guys will fix it and come back stronger,” he promised. 

He wanted to believe Ravi. He smiled sadly. “I know you are so right,” Eddie lied. 

Sophia walked in. “Eddie, let's go see where everyone is!” Sophia said excitedly. 

Eddie stood and walked with them. The team had decorated the loft, and he loved that. He went up and saw a cake. His favorite cake. Only one person knew he loved tres leches cake: Buck. It also wasn’t store-bought. 

Eddie ran his hand over the table. He looked at Chim, who gave him a nod. The silent question between them was not asked, but acknowledged. It was Buck . This was the recipe that his Abuela had taught to Buck. The same one that Buck made on his last birthday. 

Everyone gathered around the table. The team stood behind it, and Eddie was front and center for the photo. He was the center of attention. Sophia used her watch to set the timer, and they stood close to another. They took two serious ones and then one silly one. Sophia hugged her brother and kissed his cheek, and he rolled his eyes for the photo. 

Chimney let Sophia post to the @LAFD118 social media. @LAFD118: Celebrating @eddiebodywantssome’s accomplishment of finishing his Paramedic Certification test yesterday! We could not be prouder of Firefighter Diaz! Future Paramedic Diaz now loading… 👏🎉🥳

He sat off to the side and heard the ding come through. He sat alone and reflected on what was happening in his life. Buck still cared. He took a bite and smiled to himself. He then took a picture and posted it to his story. “Best tasting! Thanks!” He didn’t tag Buck. He just knew that Buck would see it. 

He was trying to turn over a new leaf and give him space. He hoped it wouldn’t last as long as he was thinking it might. 

I miss Buck so bad. I feel pathetic. 

A little while later, he got a notification. @firehose liked your story, Best tasting! Thanks! He smiled and decided to get off social media to avoid the temptation to look at Buck’s story again. 

The shift was quick, at least. He was thankful for that. He barely slept, which was apparent as he pulled his phone out and called Frank earlier than usual. He asked about cancellations and had one right after the shift was out. It was a shift like the Q-word shift. He didn’t want another long day like that anytime soon. 

-Friday-  

Eddie stared at the ceiling as Frank found the book he meant to give him from a previous session. Frank handed the small book to him. He looked down at the book and skimmed through the pages. 

“You think that writing a letter will help?” He asked Frank. He put the book beside him as he looked up to meet Frank’s eyes. Frank was watching him. 

Can he sense I am not doing okay? 

Frank nodded his head. “You wanna tell me why you wanted an earlier session today?” Frank asked him. 

Everything in him wanted to deflect the question, but he couldn’t. “I miss him a lot. I messed up and don’t know how to fix it this time,” he told him. Eddie placed his head in his hands and sighed. 

“Okay, start at what made you think you’ve messed up? These are big emotions that you are processing when coming out,” Frank reminded Eddie. He picked up his notebook and wrote a few things as he gathered his thoughts. 

A sigh escaped his lips as he thought about where to start. “I think it started 7 years ago, but for time purposes. I will start with this weekend,” he took a labored breath. He focused on not panicking first. “Buck and I hadn’t really talked much since he moved out. We just text here and there and hang out for an hour. We avoid talking about the hard stuff, mostly Bobby.” 

Frank nodded as he wrote something and circled it. “When you say the hard stuff, does that include you being gay?” He asked Eddie. 

Eddie swallowed the lump in his throat. “Partially, I guess,” he told him gently. 

Frank looked up and thought. “So what exactly happened this weekend?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded. “We weren’t supposed to see each other until his birthday, which was Tuesday. I was supposed to text him after drinking with Ravi,” he told him. 

Frank nodded. “And you forgot?” Frank asked. 

Eddie nodded softly with tears in his eyes. “I forgot. I was drunk and my phone was in the hamper. I guess he panicked and texted Ravi when I didn’t answer. I also have been having these dreams, but that’s another thing. But anyway, I woke up and saw him sleeping on my couch. So I asked him to come back to bed with me. We didn’t do anything.. Well, not on purpose,” Eddie clarified. 

Frank looked at him with wide eyes. “You are still processing this part?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded. “Yeah, so I guess during the morning. Both of us were asleep, and we started cuddling in our sleep. I remember very vaguely… kissing his neck,” Eddie told him. Eddie might have felt awkward as he talked about the intimate moments with his therapist. 

Frank wrote something down. “Okay, so what is wrong with that?” He asked. 

Eddie felt the wetness roll down his cheeks. “Everything! I didn’t remember doing it until hours later on Sunday night! I feel like such an ass. I teased him, and then we got into this playful teasing session, and I almost kissed him. I wanted to kiss him,” Eddie told him. 

Frank listened to him. “And then what else?” He asked. 

Eddie sighed. “I got home from getting Chris, and it was late. I was sitting on the bed studying for my test and then… I got these texts,” Eddie told him. He pulled his phone out and showed the group of texts from Buck and the one he sent later. 

Frank looked at them. “That’s hard,” he told him. 

Eddie went back and sat down. He sat with his legs closer together, and his body language guarded himself. “Yeah, I figured out how I feel, and I still don’t get to tell him,” he said. 

Frank looked up at him. “What if the letter you need to write isn’t for Shannon like you thought?” He asked. 

Eddie looked up, and he wiped his tears with his sleeve. “You think that I should write them to Buck?” He asked. 

Frank nodded. “You can decide if you want to give them to him, if you write multiple. It could be like a template for what you want to say. You can share them with me if you would like, but it’s not required,” he told him. 

Eddie thought for a minute. “I have to read the book?” Eddie asked. 

Frank laughed. “It will explain the process. There is a chapter on writing to someone you care about who is not gone, but not around,” he told him. 

Eddie nodded. “I’ll do that,” he whispered. 

Frank smiled. “Now I gotta ask because you said it. Are you having dreams? What kind of dreams?” He asked. 

Eddie blushed. “Uh… like romantic feelings for my best friend, kinda dreams? Some of them are sexual,” he told him. 

Frank nodded. “Is that where you figured that out?” He asked. 

Eddie laughed. “Yeah, I had one the night he showed up,” he told him. 

Frank nodded. “That kinda explains the hickey,” he told him. 

Eddie nodded. “Yeah,” he told him. 

Frank looked at the time. “Okay, before our next session, I expect you to write at least one letter, but if you decide to write multiple, that will help.” 

Eddie nodded and stood up. “I’ll try to keep the normal schedule,” he told him. 

Eddie walked out and checked his schedule. He made his next appointment and then walked out. 

Eddie sat in his car for a long moment. He let himself feel that moment. He felt so much better about things. The book sat next to him on the seat. He knew what he was doing. 

Chris was staying with Pepa tonight so that he would be home alone. He knew what he needed to do. He would read the book and sleep. 

Eddie didn’t go right to sleep when he got home. He grabbed food and sat on the couch with the book in his lap for hours. He never expected the book to bring out something in him. 

“Writing is a great tool in forgiveness. Forgiveness in ourselves comes from putting our emotions on the pages so we can see what we need.” Eddie looked at it with surprise. His eyes were glassy as he thought about how much he needed forgiveness for what he did to Buck and what he had done to Chris. 

He would probably always blame himself for what happened with Kim. Nothing in his mind showed he would ever forgive himself for lying to the people he loved. A part of him wondered how Chris would ever forgive him for that. He knew he was still resentful of his father after all these years. 

And now, he was spiraling again. He wanted to write these letters to Buck, but maybe he needed to write one to Chris, too? Or perhaps he should just talk to Chris and show how they can communicate better. 

He looked at the clock and decided to go to bed. He got up and walked down the hall. He went into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. He shut his eyes as he laid there. He fell asleep, dreaming about letters. 

-Saturday- 

The morning had been busy. Chris and Eddie drove to the beach and sat on the sand together. They talked about different things, and Eddie finally opened up to him. He looked over at his son, who looked back at him. 

“Dad?” Chris asked. 

He chuckled. “I want to talk to you about something, and I know you might not understand it, okay?” He told him. 

Chris nodded. “Go ahead,” he whispered. 

Eddie was quiet for a long moment. “I don’t think I ever really processed losing your mom the way I should have. I owe you the biggest apology for what happened before you left for El Paso,” he told him. 

Chris shook his head. “Dad, you were going through something so big. Buck said that.. It's one of those things that I probably won’t ever understand,” Chris told him. 

Eddie looked at him. “Buck talked to you about that night?” He asked. 

Chris smiled. “When I wasn’t really talking to you. I was talking to Buck sometimes and checking in,” Chris told him. 

He looked at him with a side tilt of his head. “So when I came down and you weren’t exactly thrilled?” He asked. 

Chris laughed. “After the school year was over, I had already decided to ask if I could come back. Things with them weren’t what I expected. It was nice at first, but I missed you. I missed Buck,” he admitted to his father. 

He nodded. “Well, I am glad you are back,” he told him honestly. 

They went home, ordered pizza, and watched a movie together. He just enjoyed his time with Chris again. It was nice being able to put everything out there. 

A little later, Chris went to play video games before he went to sleep. 

Eddie knew what he wanted to say somehow, but putting it down would be torture.  Here he was, notepad on the table. Chris was asleep down the hall. The pen was in his hand, but nothing came to mind initially, and then he started. 

Buck, 

I think about everything you have ever done. 

Eddie crumbled up the paper and tossed it to the floor. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “Please, God, if you hear me, can you just take me out? I can’t do this. Feelings are hard,” Eddie mumbled. 

Buck, 

I really miss the sound of your voice. I miss how your curls lay across your forehead when you are sweaty. 

Eddie looked at the paper and crumbled it up again. He added it to the pile that was starting to form. 

Will I kill more trees before I figure this out? 

Buck, 

You are my juice. 

Eddie tossed another crumpled-up piece of paper onto the ground. He laid his head on the table. He wanted to give up, but his heart wouldn’t let him. He lifted his head and started again. 

Buck, 

I wanna make you mine. 

Eddie sighed and crumpled up the paper. “That was probably the truest one yet,” he muttered.

After another 20 minutes of self-loathing, Eddie finally figured out what he wanted to write. He also may have had a glass of wine, but he wouldn’t tell Frank that. He picked up the paper and started writing from the heart. A little liquid courage never hurt anyone, right? 

Buck, 

I hope one day that you can see what you mean to me. I didn’t realize what that looked like until recently. I can see everything with you. My happiest moments, I miss you so much, and it’s only been 5 days since you sent that text. 

5 days without hearing your voice, without knowing if you are okay. I hope therapy is helping this week. Every day without you is hard. I can only imagine what my leaving did to you. 

I always thought about what it would look like when I was older. I always had you there. You’d be at Chris’ high school graduation. You’d be at Chris’ college graduation. I’d watch you become a father to your own kid or even a kid you’d adopt. I always imagined being by your side. The two of us being crazy about each other. 

I hope you come back to me, Buck. I really hope that whatever you need to figure out, you will come back to me. Buck, you don’t know how much you mean to me. I hope these letters help you understand that. 

This week has been the most challenging moment of my life behind watching Christopher walk out the door with my parents. I never imagined a life without you in it. It’s been 5 days, but part of me is missing. Part of my heart went out that door Sunday morning when you left. 

I gave you a hickey. I remember that not. I did it when I was half-asleep. You’ll think I’m crazy, but maybe you always knew. Perhaps you understood what this thing is between us. Or possibly you are just as confused as I am. Maybe you knew how you felt the moment you met me, or somewhere along the line when one of us nearly died. We are such a pair, aren’t we, mi amor?  

You’ll always matter to me. I will wait forever for you if I have to. 

I’m in love with you. 

Everything you do drives me crazy. I think the night I really understood that feeling for you was last year when we sat in your loft. I was so jealous, but I was with Marisol. I was trying so hard to be a good friend. 

I think I knew when you were in the house, when you were telling me you were Freddie Fakeman. The look in your eyes when I was trying to push you out the door, and then you said that you would do anything for Chris and I. 

I knew you would do anything for Chris and I. 

I also knew that I needed you. 

I wanted you. 

I wanted to be the one to grieve with you. I know we fought, and I messed up. I always mess up when it comes to relationships. 

When I figured out I was gay, I was terrified of losing you. I didn’t want you to see me as a fraud. I didn’t feel worthy of having you. I still don’t feel worthy of your forgiveness for waiting so long to tell you. 

The minute you figured it out, you came to me. You are so brave, my Buck. 

You’ve always been so brave. 

I hope you will read these letters one day and see what you mean. 

Always yours, even if you don’t feel the same, 

Eddie

At least the first letter to Buck was complete. Eddie went into the bedroom and he laid down. He sighed as he looked at his Instagram, trying to see if Buck had posted, but he hadn’t since his birthday. 

-9 Weeks after Buck left the 118- 

It had been over a week of no contact with Buck, except for that phone call and gifts. Eddie finally started to lose his mind on Friday.

Tuesday, they worked, and it was a pretty busy shift. Eddie didn’t even have time to think about much. He sent a text to Buck. 

Eddie: 

Hey! Hope your therapy was good today. I miss you. 

The multiple emergencies made Wednesday’s sleep good for once. He had been so tired that when he got home, he collapsed into bed and slept through his alarm to pick up Chris. The good thing was that Chris had called Buck when he didn’t show up. 

Chris sat on the couch with a Dutch Bros cup when he woke up. 

Another unread text was sent to Buck: 

Eddie: 

Thanks! So sorry! 

I didn’t sleep the night before we were so busy. 

Hope all is well. 

I still miss you. 😕

Eddie and Chris went to Pepa’s that night. The two of them sat and talked to her for hours. Eddie checked his phone and saw that both messages were still on delivered and nothing else. This was driving him crazy. He didn’t think Buck would go this long being mad at him over a hickey. 

He just wanted his best friend back. He wanted to touch that spot on his collarbone and ground Buck. He wanted to see him laugh with his whole face. He wanted to see how pink his birthmark would get when Eddie tried to give him the cheesy pickup lines he had heard from Chris. 

That night, he didn’t sleep much. Wednesday blended into Thursday morning. Then that night, he decided to sit down with the notepad again. The first letter is still there. 

The second letter:  

Buck, 

It’s been 11 days since I last saw you. 11 whole days without your blue eyes. 11 days without hearing you laugh at my stupid Dad jokes. 11 days without you being in my orbit. My world feels incomplete without you in it. Chris and I talk about you all the time. We are working on us like you wanted. 

You stopped reading my texts, but you are still there for Chris. You don’t know how much that means and how much it hurts simultaneously. Part of me understands why you walked away from me, but the other part knows that I should be selfish with you. 

When did you know that you would walk away? Was it after I came back? Were you mad at me for not choosing you all along? If I could go back and do this all over again, I would. 

Knowing what Chris had planned, I wouldn’t have gone to El Paso. You were talking to him. You made the difference in our lives. You. YOU. YOU. 

It’s always been about you. Every fight. It wasn’t you being selfish. It was me needing to be in your orbit. It was me needing to be around you selfishly without understanding it. 

I never believed in soulmates. I never believed in the universe screaming at me like you said years ago, but maybe I do now. Maybe, I believe in everything you are to us. 

I know I have said how much I love you. I hope to tell you the truth and then hand these letters to you one day. 

Yours, 

Eddie 

Eddie put the letter to the side and went to relax. He needed a moment to decide what he needed in that moment. 

He closed his eyes tightly. Music started to play, and he looked at his Alexa. He knew this wasn’t some odd technology thing. This was Buck knowing he was awake somehow. 

Okay, Buck . 

It was one of those drop-ins that played Buck’s jam session. Buck’s playlist changed, and Eddie sat up and looked at the Alexa in his room. He accepted the jam session request. 

Let’s play. 

He looked at the Spotify playlist and saw that Buck wrote on the title, eddie stalking me again . 

Sure, stalking. You started this. 

Eddie laughed. Buck pushed Invisible String to the top. He sat there and listened for a minute while finding a song to add to the next. 

Cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine, Were there clues I didn't see?

And isn't it just so pretty to think, all along, there was some

Invisible string, tying you to me?

They used to do this when Eddle was in El Paso, when they both couldn’t sleep. Eddie pushed Half a Man by Dean Lewis. This was the first time he showed Buck without telling him how he felt. 

But how am I supposed to love you when I don't love who I am?

And how could I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?

'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning, so let go of my hand

Oh, how can I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?

Buck’s playlist changed titles again. you are more than you think. 

Eddie licked his lower lip as he looked at the title. Buck pushed the next song through. 

We say we're friends, but I'm catching you across the room

It makes no sense, 'cause we're fighting over what we do

And there's no way that I'll end up being with you

But friends don't look at friends that way

Eddie listened intently. His eyes were wide as he listened to the lyrics. He pushed the next song, Taylor Swift, This is Me Trying . 

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound

It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you

Buck changed the title one last time. I miss you too. Once the song ended, Buck stopped the jam. Eddie sighed. He laid down looking at the ceiling. 

-Friday-  

Eddie had been on edge all morning. He knocked on Chimney’s office door. “Come in!” He yelled through the closed Captain's office door. 

Eddie opened the door and stepped inside. He shut the door behind him and saw the Chimney had a stack of reports off to the side. “Hey, Chim, can we talk? It’s Buck-related,” he mumbled. 

Probably not a good time to ask . 

Chimney looked up at him. He could see the smile fade from Chim as he looked at the mess of a man before him. He knew he looked wrecked. It had been far too long since his last contact with Buck. He hadn’t heard his voice in over a week. “Eddie, I love you both so much, but I can’t betray my brother-in-law's wishes,” Chimney told him, firm. 

He nodded sadly. “I know. I just—” he sighed. “I just miss him so much, and he keeps doing these things for me, but he’s ignoring my texts. Last night’s little Spotify music session didn’t help either. It’s messing with my head and I probably deserve it, but I just want my Buck back,” he whispered. 

Chimney sighed and stood up. He walked around to meet Eddie. “I told him that making the cake was a bad idea. I asked for his opinion on a cake I wanted at the store, but he said that wasn’t what you deserved,” Chimney told him. He touched Eddie’s shoulder. “I honestly don’t think he is doing these things on purpose. I think he thinks if he does things that will bring a smile to your face or let you know you still matter to him. It’s coming from a good place, but it’s just not a great idea to keep doing things for someone you asked for space from,” he told him. 

He laughed wetly and tried to hide the tears in his eyes. “So this is his way of still taking care of me without taking care of me?” He asked, confused. 

Chimney nodded and squeezed his arm. “Yeah, man, you should hear Maddie yell at him. It’s been an ongoing Buckley sibling discussion,” he told him. 

He looked shocked. “Chim, I just need to see him. It’s been 12 days. The last time we went this long was after the tsunami with the lawsuit,” he told him. He rubbed his face. “This is also the longest he’s ever given me the cold shoulder. Like we fight, right, but we also make up. This feels different,” he told him. 

Chimney sighed. “My hands are tied. I am sorry, I have to respect his wishes. Maddie would never forgive me. I’ll tell you what. I’ll try to talk to him, okay?” He promised. 

Eddie nodded. “Fine, thanks,” he mumbled sadly. 

Eddie left the office and went to the gym. He hit the bag a few times and sighed to himself. All he wanted was to see Buck, hug him, kiss him? Oh, that was a new one. 

The rest of the shift wasn’t so terrible, but Eddie wanted to just crawl into a hole and forget the past 2 weeks without Buck. That’s all he wanted. He wanted to wake up, and Buck would be on his couch sleeping, and they’d have a do-over again. 

-10 weeks after Buck left the 118-

 -Monday- 

The shift was different. Dispatch assigned the 118  to Gardena to help with a five-alarm fire to assist several of the teams in Hawthorne and Gardena. The fire was in a high-rise building not far from the SpaceX plant. He had only been on this side of Los Angeles once or twice. It took them about 20 minutes with the lights on. 

Exiting the truck, he noticed a woman paramedic talking with Captain Han. He tilted his head and thought she looked like one of the people hanging out with Buck. Specifically, the one he knew was Buck’s teammate, but he wouldn’t spiral about that right now. 

“Eddie and Hen, you will be on triage with Paramedic Maxwell and Taylor,” he told them. He then walked over to the triage area with Hen. The two of them put their gear down and went to meet them. 

The call was intense, and several victims suffered from severe chemical burns. Part of him wondered if this was Buck’s team. Was Buck in danger?  Ashley was staring at him. “So, Firefighter Diaz, they have you helping in triage instead of inside?” She asked him. 

He smiled at her. “I am waiting for the results of my certificate. I was a former army medic and have training in this,” he told her honestly. 

Ashley was looking him over before handing him gauze. “Do you go by Diaz?” She asked. 

He shook his head. “No, I go by Eddie,” he told her. 

Ashley got this look as she handed him another gauze roll to help the patient. “Oh, strange. One of our firefighters told me about an Eddie. Crazy,” she told him. 

He looked at her. Maybe this was Buck’s Ashley?  “Oh, that is crazy. Maybe I know them, or we worked together on a call before?” He asked. 

Ashley went to respond, but then Stella needed help. “Ash! Need help,” she yelled. 

Eddie watched her leave, then finished up. 

The rest of the shift was nice. While the 118 hung out, Eddie hid in his bunk and read through the book Frank gave him in therapy. 

He kept getting distracted by his mind wandering if Buck was at the call, and why he didn’t see him if that was his team. ‘ There is no way that was Buck’s Ashley, right? I didn’t see him on the call, and he should be working. ’ He thought to himself. 

He shook that thought from his head. He had decided that if that were her, he’d find out one day. He was being healthy and not stalking Buck’s Instagram. Nope, it’s only been 15 days. 

He stared at his phone. “Stalking is bad,” he mumbled to himself. 

A head popped up from the other side of the divider, and dark curly hair and big brown eyes were looking at him. “Do I need to hide your phone?” He asked. 

Eddie’s eyes went wide, and he shook his head. “No!” 

They both laughed now. He let the thought fall from his mind for now. 

-Thursday-

The past few days were not that eventful. Chris had stayed with Pepa and then had a sleepover with Denny. He hadn’t seen him in a few days, and yesterday, he got home late from hanging out with Buck for a bit after being at Denny’s. 

By the time he got home, he was ready for bed, and Eddie knew he was exhausted from his adventures. They both had an early night, which they needed. 

When Thursday came around, Eddie left early for his shift and was a little annoyed that he didn’t know where he was going until he parked outside the coffee shop near the station. He went inside and saw Ravi with Buck. A part of him wanted to throw up, but they were wearing their gym stuff. 

Eddie slipped around the corner and ran back to his car. He couldn’t deal with that right now. He climbed into the car and covered his face. He felt the panic in his gut. He took a couple of deep breaths. That wasn’t working either. 

He heard a knock on his window and looked up to see Buck. He gasped as he looked at him. He rolled the window down, and Buck handed him the coffee. The two just stared at each other for a minute. “Buck?” He whispered through wet eyes. 

Buck shook his head. He didn’t say anything. He just stared at Eddie. It was like he could see through him and see all the broken pieces. 

He looked at him. “Buck, I’m sorry for leaving the mark. I know you don’t wanna talk yet, but I fucking miss you,” Eddie muttered. He went to reach for him. The coffee cup is in the cupholder now. 

He reached for his hand, and Buck stared at him with those beautiful eyes. The eyes that haunted every single dream that he had. Their eyes lingered, and then Buck stepped just out of reach of Eddie’s hand. He gave him a sad smile before turning to go to his truck. 

Eddie rolled the window up and sat for a moment. He then jumped out of the car. He jogged to the side of Buck’s truck. He looked at him through the window. Buck rolled the window down. “What, Eddie?” He finally asked, annoyance in his voice. 

He looked at Buck. “You really are going to just disappear out of my life, but keep co-parenting my child with me? Bringing me presents, making me cakes, dropping off cookies at the house? Keep using your keys after you left me a letter telling me you would do it? Keep on acting like I don’t even exist? FUCK!” Eddie had angry tears streaming down his cheeks. 

Buck looked at him, his mouth falling open. “I didn’t want you to be alone–” he started. 

“Too late for that, Buck. I would have never asked you to leave, you know that, right? We could have figured something out like we talked about after the last call,” he told him, hurt. 

Buck stared at him for a moment. “I–” Buck started, but he was cut off. 

Eddie grabbed the door handle. “No, you don’t get to be selfish with me anymore. I didn’t get to tell you everything. You never gave me the fucking chance. And now you just go to what? Some fucking other station. Leave me? Leave the 118 and for what? We all miss Bobby.” 

Buck looked at him and blinked hard. “Eddie, get away from my truck now,” he said sternly. 

He shook his head. “Absolutely not letting you run again. Not until you tell me why you needed space from me. Me? Of all people? I know you. I l– I would never leave you not like that. I went to El Paso, I know, okay? If I knew what I knew now, that would have been different,” he told him. 

Buck looked at him. He opened the door and towered over him. “Okay, you wanna know why I ghosted you?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded.

“Because you were fucking with my head, again. You were doing that thing you always do. You are doing it right now. I have to go to work, but what are you doing? Causing a scene like a toddler because I won’t talk to you. Well, guess what, Eddie? I don’t belong to you like that,” Buck told him. 

Part of Eddie wanted to run, but the other part of him? Well, that part of him was sassy. “You don’t belong to me like that? Do you want to belong to me like that?” He asked him. 

Buck just stood over him for a minute. “I really have to go,” Buck told him. He turned to get into the truck again, and Eddie’s hand gripped his arm. 

“Don’t shut me out,” he mumbled. The grip on Buck’s wrist was there. Buck turned and looked at him. 

“I need space, Eddie. I’ll be over this soon,” he told him. 

He let go of Buck’s wrist and then stepped back. “Just promise… you’ll come back. I need to tell you something important.”  

Buck turned and almost looked like he wanted to ask, but he nodded. “Bye, Eds,” he muttered before getting into the truck. 

But I love you. 

But I’m gay. 

But I want you like that. 

But. 

Buck left while Eddie thought in his head. He watched his best friend leave again. That hollow feeling was back in his chest. 

I miss everything about you. 

He walked back to his car. He got inside and breathed out. He took a sip of the coffee. He leaned his head back against the headrest. 

The drive was short, but as soon as he got there, he put a smile on his face.

He prepared himself for the awkward conversation that would happen. Once he rounded the corner to the locker, Ravi stared at him. Ravi buttoned up his shirt as he watched him. “Morning, Ravi,” he said. 

Ravi looked like a deer caught in headlights. He looked like he might throw up, Eddie didn’t want to know if he would. “Hey, Eddie,” he mumbled. 

Eddie opened his locker. “How was your workout?” He asked. He then pulled his shirt off. 

Ravi coughed. “Um, it was good,” he told him softly. 

Eddie pulled his button-up on and buttoned it. “Well, glad he has someone still,” he told him, annoyed. 

Ravi looked at him. “Eddie, it’s not like that,” he told him. 

Eddie pulled his jeans off and replaced them with his slacks. “It’s not? You told me you haven’t talked to him,” he told him. 

Ravi sighed. “I didn’t want things to be awkward between us,” he admitted. 

Eddie turned his head. “So you lied?” He asked. 

Ravi shook his head. “When I said I hadn’t seen him, that wasn’t a lie. He had been working out at his station gym. He called me this morning and asked if I wanted to work out before my shift. So I did,” he told him. 

Eddie nodded. “Well, that was a disaster for me,” he told him. 

Ravi rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, are you good? That was… intense,” he told him. 

Eddie looked at Ravi with wide eyes. “How much did you hear?” He asked. 

Ravi shook his head. “I left right before he got back into the truck. I’m sorry. I think he was stuck in that moment of wanting to be there for you,” he admitted. 

Eddie put his head in his hands. “This shift is becoming crazy, and it hasn’t started. Can you not tell anyone?” He asked. 

Right then, Sophia came around the corner. “About that… he texted me when he got here and said you might need a sister?” She told him. 

Eddie looked at him, then at his sister. “Well, thanks for that,” he told Ravi. 

-Friday Evening - 

Eddie sat on the couch. He wasn’t talking. He didn’t want to be here. He felt like the therapy wasn’t helping. 

Frank watched him for a moment. “Eddie? You gotta talk during these sessions for them to help,” he reminded him. 

He looked at Frank. His eyes showed the depression there behind them. “And say what? My life is a mess. My best friend hates me. Everyone knows it, too. Probably even you,” his hurt was evident. Eddie blamed everyone for Buck's actions. He knew that wasn’t fair to blame everyone, but he didn’t even comprehend that Buck’s grief was to blame for all this mess.  

Frank put his pen down for a moment and rolled a little closer. “Eddie, that’s not true. You know, Buck doesn’t hate you. But let's run with that. Why do you think he hates you?” He asked. 

He was ready for the self-sabotage idea. “Because if I were him, I’d hate me too. He’s out. He’s proud of himself. He probably feels the same way, and I messed with his head since he doesn’t know I’m gay. Or maybe I wasn’t enough,” he told him. 

Frank looked at him for a long moment. “Do you think you are not enough?” He asked carefully. 

He nodded. “I don’t think I am worthy of Buck. He knows what he wants; he’s so confident and brave. I wrote that in my letter. I told him how much he means. I told him I wish I could be good enough for him,” he admitted. He shook his head to make the emotions stop. 

Frank nodded his head. “I disagree with that thought. Everything you have told me over the years about Buck? He sees the good in you. You both are dealing with grief, and I think that is where you need to think for a moment. Buck pushed everyone away because he lost the one person who treated him like a son?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded. “Yeah, Bobby was good at fixing our broken pieces. He self-sacrificed a lot,” he told him. 

Frank wrote something down. “That sounds familiar,” he told him. 

He looked at Frank. “You mean Buck?” He asked. 

Frank nodded. “He left the 118 because it didn’t feel like his place anymore, and he moved out because he felt like he was in the way. These are all things you said. You also told me before that he wished he had gotten shot instead of you,” he told him. 

Eddie’s mouth fell open. He never even put that all together until now. Buck always ran when things got hard. Pushing Eddie away was the one thing he could do to hurt himself. “He keeps buying me things. We ran into each other. We got into an argument over a coffee he got me when I ran away,” he admitted. 

Frank looked up. “What else?” He asked. 

Eddie blushed. “I don’t wanna sound bad,” he told him. 

Frank laughed. “Oh boy. That’s not concerning to hear.” 

Eddie laughed. “I've been looking at his posts and getting all these feelings about it. I know it’s not healthy to stalk his social media, but I miss him so much,” he told him. 

Frank looked at the time. “I think you should reflect on why you are doing that sometime in the next two weeks. I also think it's time to write the Shannon letter,” he told him. 

Eddie breathed in. “I am ready,” he told him. 

Eddie got up and left the office. He made his usual appointment and left. 

-Friday 10:00 PM-

He was upset. Everything seemed to mesh into one big hot mess surrounding everything in his life. The anger he felt at that moment of his denial phase was directed at everyone, but himself at least. 

Everyone is lying. 

Everyone is protecting Buck from the big, bad Eddie. 

Everyone.

What if they knew the truth? 

Eddie had a piece of paper sitting before him. The letter wasn’t for Buck this time, and he knew how to write it. This time it was something he was writing for himself, for his grief. 

Shannon, 

I should be okay by now, right? I should know what life would be like without my first best friend, but I don’t. 

Christopher misses you so much. I hope I am making you proud by the man he is becoming. I am sure you would have done a better job, but you would love how he is now. 

He’s so smart, Shan. He is building a robot at school! He’s doing all these great things I couldn’t even consider doing at his age. He’s 14 going on 30, I swear. 

I wish I could really see you. I wish I could tell you this in person. I’m gay. I think it took me such a long time to be comfortable with my sexuality enough to even think about telling you or anyone else. 

I feel like a fraud some days when I look at Buck. I miss looking at Buck, but that’s not what this is about. This is about how I need to let go of that part of my life. I think about you all the time. You left at a time when I was holding onto myself. 

I hope you know how much I loved you. You were my best friend and gave me the most significant gift, Chris. I will always love that. I will always love you for what we built together. I need you to know that. 

Always,

Eddie

Eddie ripped the letter from the notebook. He folded it up and placed it in the envelope. He sealed it and looked at it. He would burn it one day, but not today. A burn letter, to let it go. 

-Saturday Night-

It was late, and Christopher was at a sleepover again. He swore that kid had such a busy schedule. They had spent the night before together, so he was thankful. 

The past few weeks have been a little crazy. Eddie now knew that everything he felt went back to Buck. Everything felt meant that was what he needed. 

It had been nearly 36 hours since the epic fight in the coffee shop parking lot. Eddie was glad he didn’t end up working a full shift. 

@firehose has a new post. Eddie looked at the phone. “I shouldn’t…” he mumbled. He then looked at the phone. “Just one quick look, right?” He told himself. 

Oh shit. 

@firehouse: Another great workout at @risefitness  with @ravishing. 

The attached photos showed that Buck wore the same tank top from his dream the other day. There was a total of 5 photos, two of which had Ravi and him doing some workouts, and then the others were all after. 

This has to be the universe fucking with him. 

I get dirty thoughts about you, they get worse when I’m without you.

“I am totally normal about this,” Eddie mumbled. Eddie stared at the image. Buck’s chest looked amazing in that tight tank top. Then, the following picture he had it off, and Eddie swore he could cum just looking at it. 

Eddie looked at the picture of Buck’s stomach without clothes. Buck was so confident, and he just loved that. He wanted to run his tongue over the happy trail that was dipping into his gym shorts. 

In the fantasy, it's so convincing, I shouldn't think the things I'm thinking, but now I've gone and let them sink in.

There was a warmth that was spreading through his stomach. His eyes were locked on that screen. The way Buck’s face was wet from working out. The fluorescent light highlighted the sweat on his face that he hadn’t quite wiped off yet. He was half tempted to follow Ravi to the gym to see if Buck was there. He wanted to see this in person because of what he wanted to do to Buck. 

His cock throbbed at the idea of licking all the sweat off his body and then sliding his mouth down over his cock. He wanted to feel the thickness of Buck sliding down his throat, the way he could just imagine how Buck would take out his anger on him. He wanted to be punished for making Buck feel however he felt about him now.
He slipped his sweats down, his eyes shut tightly as he wrapped his hand around his cock. The thought of Buck’s body was engraved in his mind. On occasion, he would open his eyes, and he would look at the image before him. Then his finger slipped, and he liked it. He decided not to comment on it because his hand was still busy.

The more that I push 'em away, the more that you're stuck in my brain. 

The more I mentally undress, I confess.

His fingers kept scrolling as he worked his hand over himself. About halfway down the feed, he found the picture he really wanted. Buck took professional photos in his firefighter gear a few years ago. There was one in particular he really liked. It was in a harness. 

Buck was suspended, and the harness was hugging his thick thighs so well. The way the material hugged his thighs and around his bulge. A soft moan slipped from his lips as he thought about Buck suspended in the air. The way his eyes always traveled to his bulge. 

Eddie wanted to suck on the fabric outside of the harness. He wanted to wet every inch of his bulge in those work pants he always wore. They were always too small, but that was fine for him. He wanted to stare. He thought about how much they hugged his bulge. Eddie’s hand was working quickly. He was throwing his head back as he moaned. “Buck. Buck!” He moaned a little too loudly. 

Maybe Eddie was glad it was midday and Chris was at school. Perhaps he was excited that when he finally did cum some of it landed on his phone screen where he was staring at Buck. He was glad, by the way. His mess was well worth it, and he would clean it up later. 

The next feeling he felt was anger. The anger that everyone got to know where Buck was, but not him. The things he wanted to do were completely unhinged in that moment. He wanted to bite and suck marks into that skin. He wanted to taste every inch and keep thinking those unholy thoughts about his best friend. 

Eddie breathed in slowly. The next feeling he had was emptiness. The emptiness that had consumed his life without the feeling of Buck there. Everything revolved around the male somehow, and he didn’t understand it. Even Chris still got to be in his life, for which he was thankful. All he wanted was his best friend. He only wanted to tell him his life made more sense when he was there. This time apart of nearly 16 days was killing him, if you didn’t count the coffee Buck gave him and their argument in the parking lot. He didn’t know how he could go any longer without him. 

Chapter Text

-8 Weeks since leaving the 118-

-Monday, 9th shift with the 162- 

The day started out normal. The A-shift ate their breakfast together, and they caught up on tasks that Captain Maxwell assigned them. Ashley and Buck worked on stocking the ambulance. Nearby, Stella and Jay folded the stretcher blankets in the laundry room. 

Buck sat on the floor in the ambulance, rearranging the mess of gauze. He then heard a noise, maybe a squeak. “Buck!” Ashley yelled at him. Buck heard the sound of something crashing from the supply closet. He jumped up and ran into the closet to help her. 

The sight he expected to see was Ashley on the ground, but he ran around the corner to the ambulance supplies.

Buck laughed as he watched the ton of gauze on her. The box held her hostage against the step ladder where she stood, holding it with her thighs. “Ash? Are you okay?” He asked. 

Ashley scowled as Buck grabbed the box. He set the box to the side, out of the way of where they were. He held a hand out to her. “Thanks,” Ashley said. Ashley blushed slightly from embarrassment, he thought. She looked at him. “Buck? You have a hickey?” She questioned. 

Buck laughed and pulled up his collar a bit. “I promise it’s not what it actually looks like,” He hated that he had to hide this from her. He knew how bad that sounded after they made out the other night. 

“Buck, you don’t have to explain anything to me. We both decided that we wanted to just be friends,” Ashley reminded him. 

Buck pulled his hand away and looked at her. “I went and saw Eddie. He never texted me when he got home. I may have spiraled a little. He woke up and invited me to sleep next to him. I think-” He laughed a little. 

She raised a brow. “You guys slept together after we kissed, or just like actual sleep?” She asked. 

Buck looked at her. “Well, we slept next to each other, but I woke up with him lying against me, then when I got up, he noticed it before me,” Buck told her. 

Ashley laughed. “Wait?” They were both picking up the gauze now. 

Buck looked at her. “He gave me a hickey in his sleep or a sleep daze and doesn’t remember it,” He told Ashley. 

Ashley laughed as she looked at Buck. "It's so not funny. I feel like he's messing with me. I don't get it. He's not that kinda person. He's confused, right?" He asked.

The two of them finished cleaning up the disaster and then took them out to stock the ambulance. She looked at him as Buck sat on the floor putting the gauze in the right spot. "I think he might be confused. I don't think that means he's using you. You gotta figure out if that is something you want to explore and ruin the friendship," she told him.

I can't lose him forever.

Once they finished, the alarm went off for an accident at a local physical therapy office. Buck grabbed his gear and climbed into the ladder truck with Jay, Bri, Rico, and Captain Maxwell. 

Buck felt his phone vibrate, and he glanced at it. He opened the text from Eddie. 

Eddie:

Hey! Hope you are doing good. It was good seeing you yesterday. Let’s talk soon if you are open to that.

Buck liked the message, but didn’t respond. He would try and remember to reply later. 

This call was normally outside their call area, but the 161 was currently working an event, so the 162 was covering their area as well. The Rehabilitation Center was called WestStar Physical Therapy, which is a medical group with multiple locations across Los Angeles. A patient was trapped in one of the machines that had tumbled over on them. 

Buck went inside with his team. He was partnered with Jay, who was relaying information to the others. Buck went to find the physical therapist. The two of them talked back and forth on the radio. Buck turned to talk to a gorgeous man. “Who’s in charge here?” Buck asked. 

Riah was dressed in a pair of sweats and his t-shirt with his name on the pocket, Riah Phillips, Physical Therapist. Riah had curly brown hair that was similar to Eddie's, bright green eyes, and stood about 5’9 " tall. Buck’s eyes traced down to the tattoos on his arm. “Hi, I’m Riah. This is my patient. He was working on a set, and the plate dislodged. I am not sure what exactly happened. I haven’t ever seen this happen before,” Riah told him. Riah was a good 28 to Buck’s 33. 

Buck nodded. “Yeah, these machines can do that sometimes. It looks like one of the pins broke,” Buck held it up. The machine was partially on the patient. Buck also thought it could be the same guy from Pride that he smiled at, but wasn’t sure. 

Rico and Bri brought the cribbing and some airbags to lift the machine just enough to pull the patient out. Ashley and Stella worked with the patient to get him stable. 

Riah looked at his patient and then at Buck. “I appreciate you guys getting here so fast. We are worried about his leg. He is currently working through an injury in that same leg,” Riah told him. 

Buck nodded and sprang into action. “We will get him out, Riah,” Buck promised. 

Buck assisted in extracting the patient. Once the patient was secured on the stretcher, he walked back over to Riah. "Mr. Phillips, we will take the patient to Memorial," he told Riah.

Riah smiled nervously. "Thank you so much," he told Buck. Then he breathed out. "This is going to probably be inappropriate, but were you at that WeHo pride event a week or so ago?" He asked.

He nodded. "You are the green-eyed guy who smiled at me?" He asked Riah.

Riah blushed. Buck liked his shyness; he found it adorable. "That's me. By the time we got to the LAFD tent, you were gone," he told Buck.

Buck smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh? Yeah, we switched out with the next group. But it is nice to see you again. I wish it were under better circumstances," he admitted.

Riah nodded. "Of course, it was nice to see you again," he fumbled with something in his jacket pocket. Buck noticed it was a business card. Riah took a pen out and wrote something on the back of the card before handing it to Buck. "You should call or text me. I just moved here a few months ago and would love to get to know you," he told Buck.

Buck took the card and put it securely in the inner pocket of his turnout coat. "I will," he told Riah before he realized what he agreed to.

Jay walked in from the front. Buck watched Jay scan for him. "Buck! Stop flirting, we gotta go!" Jay yelled across the main room.

Buck laughed. "I'll text you soon, Riah," he told Riah.

Buck and Jay walked out together. It felt good to connect with someone new. He would consider texting Riah.

-Tuesday, Buck’s 34th Birthday- 

The rest of the shift was uneventful. Buck ended up getting a decent amount of sleep for being on shift at the firehouse.

He was shaken awake around six in the morning by Ashley and Jay. He tried to roll back into the blankets. "What?" He mumbled.

Ashley jumped on him. "Buck, time to wakey, wakey," she said with a grin. He could hear it.

Buck rolled over and looked at her, grumpy. She smiled big and he knew she was up to something. He looked at Jay. "Don't blame me! This was all her," Jay told him. He nodded, and Ashley got off. They both grabbed an arm and pulled the still half-asleep 34-year-old from the bed. He barely slipped his shoes on before he was dragged out of the bunk room.

Jay and Ashley linked their arms through Buck's, and he was half-asleep, dragged into the kitchen area. He raised a brow at them. "Something smells good," he said.

As they rounded the corner, the rest of the team yelled, "Happy Birthday!"

He was surprised. He had only been at the station for almost 3 weeks. He hadn't really thought he would be this close with anyone. He laughed and hugged Ashley and then hugged Jay. He slowly made his way around to give everyone a hug.

I should be celebrating with my family.

I miss Bobby.

He talked with different people for the next hour. No calls came in, and they are a whole family. Buck disassociated from the group; he did this at times.

Usually, on his birthday, he would eat Thai for lunch with Eddie. After a while, they would go to Maddie's for dinner with the 118. This birthday was the first one since Bobby died. Buck had requested just the Buckley-Han group. He couldn't handle his issues with Eddie and seeing an empty chair where Bobby should be.

He couldn't crumble under the need to see Eddie. No, he had to do what was best for him.

Somehow, Buck still believed that space was what he needed from Eddie.

Ashley waved her hand. "Buck?" Ashley asked as she sat next to him. He shook his head to clear that thought.

He smiled at her. "Thanks for planning all this, it was amazing," he told her. He was thankful to have met Jay and Ashley at a time he needed new friends.

Ashley touched his arm and smiled. "So, you gonna text that total hottie from the call?" She asked him.

Buck laughed. "You think I should?" He asked.

She nodded. "He could be a good distraction from the firefighter, almost a paramedic?" She teased him.

He nodded. "I'll think about it. I don't know if it's fair to drag another person into my drama," he admitted. He had already done that with Ashley by accident. At least, she felt the same as he had.

Ashley playfully shoved his arm. "It's not drama. You have been through a lot. Sometimes we fall for people we shouldn't and realize we need to figure things out for ourselves," she told him. She touched his arm. "I know you miss your old Captain. You deserve to be happy, Buck," she added.

You deserve to be happy.

He cleared his throat as he nodded. "Okay, I'll text him. Probably tomorrow," he told her.

Ashley clapped and grinned. "If you end up meeting him? I want details!" She excitedly told him.

Buck rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah," he told her.

Buck walked to the locker room. He changed into his jeans and t-shirt. He got his stuff into his LAFD duffel.

Once he was packed, he walked out to his truck.

Ping.
Ping.
Ping.

He picked the phone back up and saw the three text messages from Eddie. He sat in his truck outside the firehouse. His eyes were on the text messages.

Eddie:

I know I am probably the last person you want to hear from right now.

Not exactly.

I just need you to know that I am here whenever you are ready.

Not like I need.

I will always be here, waiting and wondering

Waiting for me?

Happy 34th birthday. I hope you have a good day today.

He remembered? He always does.

Maybe I should go over after therapy?

NO!

Eddie:

And if you need to talk after therapy I’m here just to listen.

Like you always are.

Buck pressed his fingers into his thigh for a moment to ground himself. He then started to reply to the texts from Eddie.

Buck:

Thanks of course

Buck erased the message and then tried again.

Buck:

You always remember

He sighed. He erased it again.

Buck:

You don't deserve this. i wish I could tell you everything. Wish I could tell you why.

He erased the last message and tossed his phone to the side. He knew that it was a dick move to leave him on read, but he did ask for space after all. He stared at the phone like it was possessed by evil.

He started his truck and drove to the botanical garden, where he met with Dr. Harris. He was early, so he sat in his truck. He looked at the Instagram Posts. He noticed Eddie didn't post. He wondered if Eddie wanted to ignore Instagram due to the space he requested.

@madsbuckhan: Happy Birthday to me, little brother. 34?! You are so old!
~attached were photos from different times in their life; there was one when Buck was 10, one when he was 18, one when Maddie moved to L.A., and one last year at Christmas~

Buck liked the post and shared a few photos on his story.

@ravishing: Happy Birthday Buckalicious!
~Song: Fergalicious - Fergie, will.i.am~
~Attached were photos of them working out together, one with Eddie at a night drinking, and one from the 118 when he was being silly.~

Buck laughed and listened to the song. He started singing along:

"I'm fergalicious (So delicious), my body stay vicious. I be up in the gym, just working on my fitness, he's my witness (Ooh, wee!)"

Buck liked the post and then shared the picture with Eddie, Ravi, and himself. The song was attached to the post still.

Buck jumped as his alarm went off, and he turned it off. He got out and walked towards the botanical garden. He smiled as he approached Dr. Harris. She stood by the entrance. "Good morning, Buck!" She smiled. "And happy birthday!" She told him.

He smiled big. "You remembered? Thank you," he told her softly.

They started their walk. "So last week we were talking about space?" She asked. She had the recorder on in her pocket, and he could see the little red light.

He nodded. "Yeah, I asked him via text after an odd morning together for space," he told her.

I was also freaking out because he gave me a hickey.

She turned towards him. "Odd? Explain if you don't mind," She asked for clarification.

Buck stopped and looked at her. "Well, I kinda had a mild freakout. He went out with a friend and didn't text me when he got home. I know he's an adult, but I was scared something happened to him." He knew he talked too fast; his ADHD was on overdrive.

She nodded. "Okay, that's not that bad. You were concerned and maybe panicked because of losing Bobby? Is that right?" She asked.

Buck shifted on his legs forward a bit. "Yeah, that makes sense. So, he woke up and we went back to bed and slept. We've slept next to each other before without any issues," he explained to her.

She tilted her head. "Without any issues? Was this time different?" She asked.

Buck nodded. "It was different this time for both of us, I think," he tried to justify what happened for his own sanity.

She hummed. "Okay, was it a good different or a bad different?" She asked.

Buck thought to himself, 'Good. No. Bad. No. Good. Fuck!'

He shifted once more, uncomfortable in his own skin. "Can it be a bit of both?" He asked.

She nodded softly. "I won't judge if you want to tell me," she reminded him.

Buck remembered the first appointment where they set expectations, and her number one thing with him was her no judgment promise.

He smiled sadly. "Yeah, okay," he said. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I woke up to him cuddling me. He had his arms around me, and it felt good. Then, when I went to get up and get ready, he pointed out a hickey on my shoulder. I didn't have that before I went to his house. He's straight and I'm so confused," he told her honestly.

She looked at him. "Did he tell you he didn't do it?" She asked concerned for him.

He sighed. "I don't think he remembered he did it. We were both pretty drunk, as I remember. Which is fine, we were exhausted, and maybe I was just a warm body there. Sometimes he just teases me and makes me second-guess everything," he told her.

Are you? In love with Eddie? It wouldn't be so crazy.
Fuck, Maddie? Really?

Dr. Harris nodded. "So you asked him for space?" She asked.

He sighed and touched an orange flower. He smelled it. "Mm, I did. I need to clear my head and get over this. We can go back to before once I'm ready. He gets to leave, why can't I?" He asked.

She sighed. "Buck, you can't keep pushing feelings down," she told him.

He turned towards her again. "If I tell him the truth, I risk losing him forever, and I can't lose him and Chris," he admitted sadly.

Dr. Harris stopped and turned to him. "That's not what I'm saying. You need to decide if telling him why you need space is part of your healing journey or not. Buck, you are struggling when he's important. He could be a good thing for your healing," she told him.

Another hard truth brought to you by therapy.

He nodded. "I can't lose another person. I can get over it. I have before," he admitted.

She nodded. "Is this because of your feelings for him, or is it your grief convincing you that you don't deserve the opportunity to tell him? Or is this RSD making these choices for you?" She asked.

Ouch.

He laughed. "Well, it could be all of that," he whispered.

She sighed. "Buck, what happened to Bobby wasn't your fault. You need to understand that blaming yourself will never change the outcome," she told him.

He looked at her with wet eyes. "I could have tried harder," he told her. Buck would probably always feel responsible for not doing enough.

She shook her head. "You deserve happiness," she told him.

They walked in the quiet as Buck thought for a moment. Once he was ready, he stopped at the sunflowers. He smelled one of the flowers. "I met someone on a call, and he gave me his number. I think I might reach out," he admitted. Buck knew he was deflecting from the situation by focusing on Riah.

She perked up. "Oh, that's great. How do you feel about meeting someone new?" She asked.

He smiled. "Well, I wish it had been under different circumstances because I met him through a victim. He's a physical therapist. He's new to the area, and I saw him at Pride when I was there with my team. I'm thinking about asking him to join me for coffee this weekend," he told her.

She smiled. "That sounds like a good first date," she told him.

He nodded. "I think I am ready to talk about Bobby," he told her.

For the next thirty minutes, Buck shared his past with Bobby. He told her about all the struggles he had been through with Bobby, and he also told her about his last moments. He felt like a weight had been lifted off him as he finally had the opportunity to talk about the man who was like a father to him more than his own.

He wiped his face as he walked back to his truck. He pulled out his phone and scrolled to Eddie's contact image. He wanted to call him. He wanted to tell him everything, but he just physically couldn't yet. He was still hurting.

He got into the truck and he set it aside. He decided to drive home instead.

Once Buck arrived home, he dropped his LAFD duffel bag by the door, and he took his shoes off. He set them on the floor next to his bag. He walked down the hall and into the bathroom to turn the shower on. 

While the shower warmed, he went to his bedroom and grabbed what he needed. He grabbed a clean pair of boxers and a tank top. He walked back to the bathroom. 

Once inside, he undressed out of the clothes he wore, put them in the hamper, and got into the shower. 

Buck stood under the water for a long moment before he started his normal routine of curl shampoo and conditioner, body wash, and then washing his face with his face wash. He let the hot water run over his tired muscles for a long moment. 

His eyes shut tightly as he stood under the water. His mind went to that night, the night when everything changed between Eddie and himself. A couple of drinks and he was in his bed. He was pressed up against Eddie. He remembered all too well the feeling of Eddie's cock against him. The way it would twitch even if Buck wiggled just slightly.

He remembered everything about that night:
The way he might have wiggled against it, to feel how big Eddie could be. The way his lips felt against his shoulder. The way he bit into him to muffle a moan that he knew was from the way that Buck pressed more against him. He felt guilty about wanting that, but he thought maybe that Eddie had been awake.

Part of him wondered if he had taken advantage of the situation, but if Eddie really gave him a hickey, maybe he, too, was awake. In his mind, that was the only thing that made sense to him.

He opened his eyes and looked around the shower. He rubbed his face as he thought again. He missed Eddie so much. It was unreasonable to be this desperate for his attention after a few days, right?

Once he was done with his spiral, he turned the water off and wrapped himself in a soft towel. He rubbed it over his wet body to dry off. After a few moments, he was dry and got dressed. 

He walked back down the hall and into his room. He pulled the covers back and slipped between them. He had found his phone and put it on the charger before he curled up to get some sleep. 

He knew in 3-4 hours that Maddie would be there to wake him. He had a good night planned, but of course, his mind was filled with Eddie Diaz; what else was new? 

Maddie showed up at 3 PM and used her key. Buck felt the blankets rudely pulled from his body. “So proud you aren’t naked this time,” Maddie teased him. He grumbled. 

Buck yanked the blankets from her hands and hid under them. Just like when they were kids and he didn't want to go to school. He tried to burrow himself under them. “No, it’s my birthday. I don’t have to,” he whined. 

She laughed and yanked them back off of him. She doubled down on her work to get him up. “Don’t make me grab the cup of water, Evan,” she told him. 

Buck gasped. “You wouldn’t dare!” He challenged her. 

Maddie walked across the room, she held the glass she prefilled with cold water up. That motion alone made Buck jump out of bed; his leg spasmed at the quick movement, and he nearly fell to the floor. 

Maddie’s eyes went wide at her brother. “Evan! Are you okay?” She asked. She rushed and put her hand under his arms and helped him sit back on the bed. 

He looked up at her. He winced a little bit. “Peachy, can you get the gel from the medicine cabinet for my leg?” He asked. He stretched his leg out a bit and sat back more. 

She disappeared to go to the bathroom. She came back a moment later with the tube of Diclofenac gel. She knelt before him, unscrewed the top, and put some of it in her hand. She took his ankle and started there with adding the NSAID gel on his chronic pain. “I could have done it,” he told her. 

She laughed. “Where else?” she asked him. He pointed to the mid calf. 

His mind flashed to being 12 again. Maddie with the first aid kit after he fell off his skateboard again. She was always fixing his injuries. Sometimes he wished she could fix this pain. She always knew what to do. He shook his head. “Also, my knee,” he told her. She finished up on his knee. 

Maddie had always been so good at fixing him. "Mads… I think I messed up with Eddie. I miss him so much, but he seemed confused. I don't want him to feel obligated to want me because he's sad and lonely," he told her sadly.

Maddie looked up at him as she finished up. "Evan, you don't want to have this conversation. The last time I tried, you thought I was crazy, remember?" She reminded him.

He sighed. "I know. I just—" he trailed off.

Maddie watched as her brother retreated into himself. "Evan, you don't have to be afraid to let him in. Take time to reflect, but this is killing both of you. Don't do something you can't come back from because feeling for him is scary," she told him.

Feeling for him is scary.

Being in love with someone who is straight is the worst feeling in the world.

Eddie is straight, right?

He flexed his leg before standing. "I met a guy yesterday. I think I'm gonna text him," he told her.

Maddie raised an eyebrow at her brother. "Oh? Like a date guy?" She asked.

Buck nodded. "Maybe? You think this is a bad idea?" He turned and took his shirt off and pulled a button-up on. He buttoned it as he looked at her.

She stared at his dresser, and his eyes moved to the same picture, the one of him, Eddie, and Chris. "I think you need more friends. So maybe go for coffee," she suggested.

Buck pulled on black slacks with his dark blue button-up. "Okay, you are saying don't sleep with him?" He asked.

Maddie laughed and turned to her brother. She helped him fasten his buttons on his shirt. "You are an adult. You can do whatever you want," she reminded him, with a slight tone.

An adult who still needs his sister to fix his clothes.

Buck wrapped his arms around her to hug her. "Did you leave Chim in charge of the kids for this long?" He asked.

Maddie nodded and laughed. "Yep! He's probably drowning in Jee's latest obsession, Bluey," she joked.

He laughed. "So mean!" He teased. He slipped on his boots and tied them. He then followed her to the door. "Is it just us and the kids?" He asked.

Maybe I wish that Eddie was sneaking his way in like he usually did.

She nodded. "Just how you asked," she told him.

The siblings walked down the stairs. He climbed into the passenger seat of her SUV. He buckled up. While she drove, he looked at his phone and noticed a text from Chris.

Chris:

Happy birthday!!! 

Buck:

Thanks Superman! 

Chris:

Can we hangout soon? 

Buck:

Text you dad and I’ll come get you tomorrow. 

Chris:

I will. I’m at Pepa’s Dad is studying for his test. 

About forty minutes later, they walked into the house. Chimney had Robby in the rocker, and Jee-Yun watched Bluey from her spot on the floor. Buck sat on the floor next to her without a word.

Jee turned to her Uncle. "Uncle Buck!" She squealed and then climbed into his lap. He dramatically acted like she tackled him with her arms around his neck as he laid back.

He snuggled his niece into his chest. "How is my most favorite girl in the whole wide world?" He asked with a smile.

She giggled. "I am good. Happy birthday!" She yelled excitedly against his chest.

Maddie and Chimney talked in the other room. He knew it was about his state, but he didn't care at that moment. He was happy right now to be with his family. He wished it were everyone, but he also knew that wasn't possible because they were missing a key part of their family, Bobby.

Buck sat up with Jee sitting facing the TV now. The two of them would giggle at funny parts together. Okay, maybe Buck enjoyed it just as much as Jee.

Maddie walked in, and Buck looked up at her. "Dinner is almost ready," she told them.

Buck nudged his niece up and paused the TV. "Time to wash up for dinner," he told her. The two of them walked to the hallway bathroom together. He grabbed her stool and they watched their hands.

He washed her hands between his. "Uncle Buck?" She asked.

Buck smiled as he grabbed the towel to dry their hands. "Yes, my most favorite girl in the universe?" He asked before he started to tickle her sides.

She squeaked. "Noooo!" She yelled and he stopped.

He smiled. "Sorry, sorry. The tickle monster took over a minute. You were asking?" He asked.

He helped her off the stool and set her before him. He went to put the stool back as he heard her. "Why is Uncle Eddie not here? It's your birthday," she asked.

Oh.

He turned to her. He took her hand and smiled at her. "Well, Eddie has this really important test he's studying for, so he can be like Daddy used to be in the ambulance. He is taking your Daddy's old place as Auntie Hen's partner," he told her.

She nodded. They walked out, and she ran to Chim. He paused as he stood there for a moment. He thought about Eddie.

I should have let him come still.

He stepped forward.

Am I being selfish?

Buck shook the thoughts out of his head. He walked down the hall into the dining room, where they waited for him. He took his normal spot next to Jee. He smiled widely at his niece, who returned the smile.

Maddie dished up a pasta with a pesto sauce on it. "Thank you," he told Maddie.

Maddie smiled at her brother, then went to serve everyone else. He then noticed the glass of wine and smiled at his sister. He took a sip. "Ooh, is this the pesto recipe I taught you?" He asked.

She laughed. "Figured you liked this one a lot since you taught it to me," she teased.

He nodded before he took another sip of the wine. He let it play on his tongue for a moment before he swallowed.

He ate some of his pasta. Although this birthday was different then the last few years, he was thankful to be surrounded by his family.

The five of them ate, talked, and enjoyed the company of each other. Buck might be a little wine drunk by the time Chim tried to get him to go to the car.

He hugged both of his girls extra tight before he went with Chim out of the house and to the car.

Buck looked out the window as Chimney drove. He noticed that Chimney decided to take the long way, and part of him wondered if he had a secret plan. He always meddled when Eddie and Buck were like this. He couldn't exactly help himself. He felt bad for them every time they stopped talking.

Chimney cleared his throat. "What's going on with you and Eddie?" Chimney asked him.

Of course.

Buck turned to look over at him. "He's at home," he slurred his words. He saw a notification that Eddie had posted on Instagram. He opened it and his smiled faltered. A drunk, depressed, yearning Buck was never a good thing. "With a pretty woman, apparently, probably doesn't even miss me," he added.

Chimney laughed. "A pretty woman?" He asked.

Buck nodded. "His loss, right? I am a great catch!" He slurred his words again.

Chimney shook his head. "You both are idiots," he told Buck.

Both?

He put his phone away. Drunk Buck let things out a little too freely. "Well, he shouldn't lead people on. Let me tease my bi-best friend. He likes it. So it's fun to fuck with his head, right? Straight guy,s am I right?" He slurred, hurt.

Chimney raised a brow as he turned. "He's been moody and sad. So no, I don't think he was doing all that on purpose," Chim told him. Chim reached over and patted his brother-in-law's shoulder to try and comfort him. When he really wanted to turn the car around and drive to that street on Bedford, and Buck knew it too.

Buck scoffed. "Right. You were there when he decided to cuddle me and then lie about giving me a hickey. You saw it right, brother?" He rushed out, laced with anger.

Chim had parked the car. He turned his whole body in the driver's seat to face Buck. "He did what?" Chimney asked.

Buck covered his mouth in his drunk stupor; he could have outed Eddie. He said way too much, and he knew it. "Oh… Can you pretend you don't know that?" He begged.

Chim sighed. His face showed confusion as Buck knew he was trying to connect his drunken thoughts to what was happening. "Uh.. sure," he muttered.

He climbed out of the car and waved at Chim. He had to get out of there before he said too much. He walked towards his building and walked up the stairs. He went into his apartment and shut the door. He sighed.

I just outed Eddie if that is not his girlfriend.

He took his shoes off. He then grabbed a beer from the fridge. He sat on his couch and looked at the photo of Eddie sitting there. He raised his drink to him. "Happy Birthday to me," he mumbled.

Buck pulled his phone back out and looked at the post again. The brunette looked familiar, and Buck wondered if maybe Eddie was dating someone and didn’t tell him. He clicked on the tag, but her page was private. Then he noticed something else. Her Bio section had three hearts🩷💜💙. 

That was odd that Eddie had another bisexual friend and hadn’t even mentioned it. 

Buck was starting to wonder if cutting off Eddie was the right choice. He was looking at his phone, and the new number in it was tempting him. He thought for a moment before going back to Instagram again. Buck’s drunk fingers fumbled, and he liked the post. 

Fuck. 

He then decided to go with it.

@firehose: looks like a fun night!

@firehose: Hanging with hotties!

Why am I like this?

He slid his fingers over the keyboard a few times before he finally decided to wish him luck on his test. He could be a supportive best friend.

@firehose: Good Luck on your test tomorrow! 

-Wednesday-

Why was Buck like this? He wasn't even sure. He looked at the order he just submitted with the note. He hated himself for doing this, but he had to. It was in his right mind to support his best friend. He sent him a burrito from his favorite place and a coffee.

"Even I know this is fucked," he mumbled to himself. He hated confusing Eddie. He knew the whiplash had to be giving Eddie mixed signals. He always had this instinct to take care of people when he was hurt. He knew that Eddie probably was confused.

Part of Buck hoped that Eddie would see he was still there. He knew he had to put distance for his own sanity. He knew how much acts of service meant to Eddie. So he did this to show his support from afar.

Buck decided around nine in the morning to send the first text to Riah. He hoped that he would remember who he was. Part of him was anxious about the idea of talking to him. He typed out a text.

Buck:

Hey! This is Firefighter Buckley or Buck from the other day.
Been a little busy but wanted to text you. Hope you are well! 

Wow, lame, Buck!

Buck was surprised to see the bubbles already on the text.

He's texting back!

Riah:

Hey! The hot one right?

He blushed before responding to Riah.

Buck:

Hot? I'll take it, handsome.

He's queer at least.

Riah:

Handsome? I like that. So when are you free?

Buck looked at the calendar on his phone with his work schedule.

Buck:

Friday or Saturday?

Riah:

u like coffee? saturday coffee?

Buck:

Sure! Let's plan that. You doing anything fun today?

Buck put coffee on his calendar and made sure to block out a few hours.

Riah:

Just work. wbu?

Buck:

I'm taking a friend's kid to the history museum.

Riah:

that sounds fun! hey Buck?"

Buck:

Yeah?

Riah:

u aren't secretly married?

He laughed.

Buck:

What? No! Just kinda like a god-dad to a 14 year old.

Kinda?

Riah:

okay! he's 14? how old are u?

Buck:

Just turned 34 yesterday. You?

Riah:

I'm 28! Happy Birthday! Got a patient, but send me a question u want to ask and I'll reply after.

Buck sat there for a moment. "What question?" He asked himself and then started to type again.

Buck:

Let's play 20 questions then.
Where does Riah come from its unique?

He went to shower while Riah had his patient. He had a long day planned with Christopher. He was excited for the museum and then dinner with his favorite Diaz.

When he got out, he saw he had a new text message.

Riah:

it's Zachariah, but I go by my short name. I knew too many Zack's growing up.
ur parents really named you Buck Buckley?

Buck laughed.

Buck:

No! Evan is my first name, but there was so many in the academy so it just stuck.
Plus I don't really enjoy being called Evan.
What's your favorite flavor?

Riah:

Depends. I would say caramel or butterscotch.
What's ur go to coffee order?

Buck:

I'm basic! Cold brew oat milk with caramel.
If you could eat anything in the world what would it be?

Riah:

street tacos! a mix of them.
what's ur random hobby?

Buck:

Photography.
What's your favorite song?

Riah:

trouble waters by Alex Warren
r u originally from California?

Buck:

No P.A.
Are you going to ask my social next?

Riah:

WHAT?! no! I was curious
what's ur go to dish to make?

Buck:

Anything with Pasta.
You said you just moved here. Where are you from?

Riah:

Texas.
is Saturday a date?

Buck:

I'd like for it to be.
What do you look for in a partner or what are you looking for right now?

Riah:

oh! getting into the heavy questions now! i would say kind, sexy, has no problem with getting physical. knows that i am not looking for serious rn.
what about u?

Buck was glad they were on the same page about something serious. He wanted to see where it would lead, but wanted to have fun too.

Buck:

Someone who can keep up. Who likes being cuddled. Can be honest. Likes being physical. Who understands that I am pretty newly out and learning what I like still.
What do you like physically?

Riah:

manhandling. i am pretty sure u can throw me around with those muscles.
how far would u wanna go with getting to know someone?

Buck smirked.

Maybe Buck 1.0 should make a comeback?

Buck:

Depends on the vibes. When I was younger, I thought I was a sex addict.
What about you?

Riah:

u are hot! i'd let you ruin my life and say thank u after.
am I being too forward?

He laughed.

Buck:

That's not an issue. I like you being forward.
What kinda things turn you on?

Riah:

u are asking the good questions now!
okay, i mentioned manhandling. i like a strong partner. one who can lift. one who won't hold back. who communicates their kinks and i like consent to try things together.
what is a guilty pleasure song?

He smirked at the thought of trying new things with Riah. The thoughts that crossed his mind could be explored if this worked out well for them.

Buck:

I'm a swiftie. So my go to like jam out is 22 or shake it off.
Are you ticklish?

Riah:

i am. i also like being tickled.
do u like to top or bottom?

Buck:

I am good with either. I don't like to limit myself.
If there was a teddy bear and me, who would you cuddle with first?

Riah:

u, but I can't promise i'd be good.
do u prefer big or little spoon?

Buck:

Depends on my mood.
What's your love language?

Riah:

Touch and acts of service.
wbu?

Buck:

Touch and words of affirmation.
I gotta pick up the kiddo. This was fun.

Buck had changed and then remembered he hadn't texted Eddie well wishes. He opened the thread and sent a text.

Buck:

Not ready. But you’ll pass with all the colors! I am so proud of you.

Buck had a pretty good morning. He had texted with Riah a good portion of the morning, not to mention a random text to Eddie. He still cared, but he didn't want him to think that their friendship was over, even if he just needed space.

He drove the truck to get Chris from Pepa's. He smiled as he knocked on the door and was greeted by his other favorite, Diaz. "Evancito!" she said happily. She pulled him into a hug, and he wrapped his arms around him.

"Hello, Aunt Pepa!" He was loud and excited to see her after such a long time. "How are you?" He asked as he stepped back.

She stepped back and brought her hands up and cupped his face. "I've been good, but you look sad. Are you eating well?" She asked with concern. Eddie hasn't said you were going to miss dinner so much," she told him.

He looked down at her with his big blue eyes. The guilt hit him hard, and he swallowed slightly. "I know. It's been a little hectic, I'm sorry," he told her.

Pepa studied his face, but then they heard the sound of Chris coming into the room. "H,i Buck!" He said as he entered the room.

Buck turned to Chris. He held his arm out to take the bag from him and put it over his shoulder. "Are you all ready?" He asked Chris.

Chris nodded. "I'm ready," he told Buck. Chris grabbed his crutches and slipped them over his arms.

Buck was thankful that Chris was already ready. This meant he didn't have to make excuses for why he couldn't make family dinners. He hugged Pepa, and then Chris did.

The two walked to the truck and got the things in Chris put the crutches in the backseat. They both got into the truck. They waved to Pepa before they drove off.

Buck let Chris decide on the music. Once the music started quietly, he smiled. "How's your dad doing?" He asked carefully. He wasn't sure if he knew what was going on.

Chris stared at him, and he could feel the teen's eyes on him. "He's been studying a lot," Chris told him.

No attitude? Eddie hasn't told him yet?

He nodded. "He'll pass. He knows all of this so well," he told Chris.

The drive was filled with Chris telling him about robotics. He was excited for Chris. Chris seemed to be passionate about it, and both Buck and Eddie would do everything in their power to help him achieve his goals with this passion. Including Buck's late-night robotic information binges so he could actually know what Chris was talking about.

After a twenty-minute drive, they pulled up to the museum. They got out and went inside. The two of them enjoyed the different exhibits, and they even got to go into the tech part of the museum to look at different robots and robotic things.

As they went to the next exhibit, Chris stopped in a panic. Buck turned to him. "What's going on?" He asked.

Chris sighed. He looked up at Buck with wide eyes. "I messed up. So, don't be mad?" Chris told him.

Am I looking at myself? I say that when I do something.

Buck tilted his head as he looked at Christopher. "Why would I be mad?" He asked.

Chris looked at him. "I meant to tell Dad, but I forgot, and he went to pick me up," he told Buck.

Buck looked at him. "What do you mean you didn't ask your dad?" He asked. He ran his fingers through his own curls. "Chris, we don't lie or hide things from your father. What if—"Buck told him. Chris flipped the phone, and Buck stopped talking.

Buck and Eddie talked for a moment. The two of them spoke a bit, and Eddie told him his sister was there now. So things started to come back together. He wasn't as mad at Eddie now. He was relieved that it was Sophia and not some random girl. Part of him felt guilty for the decision to go out with Riah after seeing the post.

Once they hung up, Chris and Buck sat on the bench together. "Chris, if your Dad wasn't okay with this, I could be in a lot of trouble. I need you to understand that, okay?" He told Chris.

Chris looked at him with tear-filled eyes. Buck instantly felt awful at that look. "I'm sorry, Buck. I didn't think about it. I was excited to talk with Tia Sophia on the phone and spaced." He sniffled a little bit.

Buck hugged him. "Just don't let me kidnap you again," he told Chris.

Maybe Buck felt bad for partially kidnapping a child? Just maybe. That's why he had flour all over his arms as he measured the wet ingredients into a bowl. He looked at the recipe handwritten by Abuela.

Once everything was mixed together, he put it in the sheet pans. He put them in the oven, and he turned towards the counter and sat on it. He pulled out his phone and scrolled.

He saw he had a new follow request. He saw the name and he hit accept. He followed Sophia back, surprised she'd want to follow him.

He then saw the second. It was Riah's. He clicked accept and followed him back.

Buck looked at his page. He wasn't private at all. He had thirst traps, and Buck hadn't ever seen a man look that good. Well, except Eddie. He was fit; he had more tattoos than he thought. He bit his lip as he went through the feed.

The timer barely registered when it went off. Buck smiled and jumped off the counter. He grabbed the cake poker from the drawer and opened the oven. He poked each cake and saw them come out clean. He pulled both out after grabbing pot holders and turned the oven off.

Buck picked his phone up and looked at it. He wanted so bad to call Eddie. He wanted to tell him about Riah. He wanted to tell him he wasn't mad anymore, but then a text came through from Eddie.

Eddie:

Hey Buck. I hope you are well. I was thinking about you tonight. I just really miss you.
I hope one day you will come back.

Buck hesitated at the message. He didn't want to open it. He didn't want to show Eddie how desperate he was in that moment.

A moment later, he opened the message. He turned off his read notifications.

He pressed the link and was brought to the most devastating song he had heard. The song that Eddie sent was lost without you by Freya Ridings.

"You said, "I want to see the world", and I said, "Go". But I think I am lost without you. I just feel crushed without you. 'Cause I've been strong for so long, that I never thought how much I needed you."

Buck sat there. His heart pounded in his chest as he listened. He licked his lower lip as he listened to it.

"Strangers rushing past, just trying to get home, you were the only safe haven that I've known. Hits me at full speed, feel like I can't breathe."

Buck let his feet kick slightly against the counter. He looked at the text as the song played so free in his mind.

"And nobody knows this pain inside me, my world is crumbling, I should never have let you go."

He swallowed hard. He never gave Eddie a chance to say his piece. He just walked away like everyone had done to him countless times.

It was supposed to be easier this way.

He breathed out. He started to type and then stopped. He couldn't give in. What if it didn't mean the same to him?

The whole sending songs back and forth was something they had picked up in Texas. They had always done something like this when they found a song that they really liked. It was when they couldn't talk and wanted the other to know they were missed. Maddie called it codependent, Buck called it them.

Spotify family was so funny to both of them because the three of them shared the plan. So their devices were all synced to it.

Buck stared at the Spotify list. His eyes scanned the different songs. They then landed on the one song that he knew would mean something to Eddie. Even if they were not talking, he would always be there for him.

He opened the text thread and typed out a message. He posted the link to pick up the phone by Henry Moodie.

Buck:

Hey Eddie. I am so proud of you for doing your test. I miss you too.

"It's gonna be okay, everyone needs a bad day. Remember, you told me, you're not alone, just pick up the phone."

Buck sighed as he sat there. He looked at the message. Part of him wanted to get in the truck and drive there.

"And call me whenever you're feeling lonely, remember you told me, you're not alone, just pick up the phone."

He wanted to go hug Eddie because he knew he was sad.

Break down 'cause you're breaking through, no sky is forever blue, things bloom whenever they've seen the rain.

The other part of Buck knew that if he went there, he would fold. He would let Eddie back in. He'd be honest that he wasn't coping well with everything.

"I've been there, down that road, when you need me, I'll be here to let you know."

Just let it hurt a little longer, then you will be okay.

Buck knew he was being unfair. He blamed himself for confusing Eddie. That's what that night was. The hickey, the cuddling, and the teasing. It was all Buck's feeling for Eddie that confused Eddie. There was no way that was for Buck. There was no way Tommy could ever be right about Eddie.

Eddie is straight.

It's in your head.

Buck started on the milk mixture. He mixed the evaporated milk, sweetened condensed milk, and whole milk together before pouring it over the double-layered cake. He watched as it soaked into it. He then placed it in the fridge, the top covered with plastic wrap.

Another ding.

Eddie:

Would you still answer? You barely answer texts.

Buck's heart was in his throat. He would always answer a call from Eddie. He would always run when it came to Chris. If something happened to Eddie? He would be there as fast as he could. No feelings would ever change that part. He would do anything for Eddie still.

Buck:

When you need me, yes. But I am not ready to just go back to before. We both need to figure things out. I hope you see this is for the best.

With that last text, he turned the phone to sleep mode. He went into his room and put the phone on the charger. He climbed into bed. He stared up at the ceiling. He was willing himself to sleep a bit before he had to put the topping on the cake and bring it to the 118.

-Thursday-

Buck got up two hours before he had to leave and wanted to kill the alarm clock when it went off. He looked at his phone. He got up and stumbled out of his bed. He stretched his leg, thankful it wasn't as bad as the other day.

He stumbled into the hall and into his bathroom. He used the bathroom and then took a quick shower to wake up for the day. He could smell the coffee by the time he was walking out in his boxers. He went to the cabinet and poured himself a cup. He fixed it to his liking and then turned to the fridge.

He started on his breakfast and set the cake on the counter. He cut up potatoes and green bell pepper. He threw them in a pan with some oil. He knew that he needed to be quick to get everything done. Once the breakfast was started, he started on the whipped topping for the cake. He grabbed the heavy whipping cream from the fridge, sugar from the cabinet, and chocolate from the bag on the counter.

He made the whipped topping from the heavy whipping cream and sugar in his stand mixer. While they mixed, he stirred his potato mixture. He then grabbed a grater and used the shaved side to shave it into a bowl for the topping. Once the peaks were perfect, he started to spread the topping onto the cake.

"The things I do for this man who isn't even my man," he mumbled to himself. He was grumpy. He needed more coffee. He took another long drink from the mug and moaned as the taste hit his tongue. He then set it down. He bit his lip, happy to have more energy. He finished up the topping and took some of the shavings and shook them carefully over the top of the cake. He watched as they landed in each place. Once he was happy with the outcome, he wrapped the top again in plastic wrap, careful not to touch the topping.

He placed the cake carefully back into the fridge. He turned and went back to his breakfast. He stirred the potato mixture once more. He went back to the fridge and took out some leftover sausage he had cooked the other day. He added it to the pan and let them cook together. He covered it and went to change.

He pulled on a t-shirt and jeans. He looked in the mirror and fixed his hair. His curls were looking good. He then washed his hands and returned to his breakfast.

Buck scrambled a couple of eggs into the mix. Once the eggs were cooked thoroughly, he plated his food. He added some salsa on top. He walked to the table and sat with his coffee. He ate breakfast and scrolled on his phone.

He ate quietly while absentmindedly scrolling through his feed on Instagram. He saw a few photos posted by Riah after a workout last night. Part of him was excited for the date coming up. Riah was unlike anyone he had ever dated before, and he was nothing like Eddie. This made it a good distraction from that for Buck.

Buck finished up his breakfast and got up. He went and cleaned up the kitchen before he had to drive across Los Angeles. It was 5 already. He knew the traffic would be ridiculous already. Once the kitchen was cleaned, he got everything ready. He made two trips so he could carry the cake with two hands. He set it carefully in the backseat. He then climbed in.

It took him about 45 minutes just to get to the 118. He got there before Eddie did, thankfully. He was always freakishly early. He smiled as he handed the cake to Chimney. "Hey, Buck! Have you met Sophia?" Chimney asked.

Buck looked at her like a deer in headlights. "Hi," she said. She looked him over.

He felt like he was looking at the female version of Eddie in that moment. "So you are annoying sister number 1?" He asked.

She laughed. "You really are his best friend," she said with a grin. She punched his arm playfully.

Buck laughed. "Wanna walk me out?" He asked.

She nodded. The two walked together. "He's okay. I know what you want to know. He's sad, of course, but he's okay. Buck, just don't wait too long to figure things out," she told him.

Buck turned to her. "You don't get it. It's not something that is that easy. Wait! How is it this easy to talk to you? We don't know each other?" He asked her.

She laughed. "Because everyone says I'm the cooler version of Eddie?" She teased.

Buck nodded. "Keep an eye on him. I am working through this to get over things. Just make sure he's okay," he told her.

She nodded. "Of course, we got him," she promised Buck.

He turned and got into the truck. He backed out and turned into the alley. He saw the Prius in his rear-view mirror. He smiled as he watched Eddie sit there for a minute before he kept on driving.

He had his own 24-hour to get to. He knew that he needed to look forward to the date this weekend and leave the thoughts in the rear-view mirror for now.

Later that day, he saw the story.

@eddiebodywantssome: Best tasting! Thanks! 🍰

Buck hit the little heart. He felt appreciated, and that made the rest of his shift go better.

-Saturday-

Every single thought that could go through Buck's head did that morning. He decided on a red V-neck shirt, dark blue, almost black jeans, and boots. He fixed his hair and shaved carefully. He looked in the mirror a few times.

He left the house about 20 minutes before he had to be there. It was a short 10-minute drive from his apartment to the coffee shop they agreed on, Azucanela Churros and Coffee in Hawthorne.

He wanted so bad to turn around as he pulled into the parking lot. He wanted to forget this idea at that very moment. He remembered his first date with Tommy when he was figuring things out. The way he embarrassed himself with the words that came out of his mouth.

"Okay, listen, this is my first date with a dude. I'm an ally. I put a rainbow on my Instagram."

When he didn't understand his feelings. Maybe they were misguided, but in the beginning, it was exciting to be wanted. Then he was surprised when he was ditched on the sidewalk by his date. He wondered if Riah would ditch him, too.

He took a deep breath; everything in him wanted to call Eddie, but he wouldn't. He couldn't tell him about Riah, not yet, at least. He calmed his mind and thoughts and climbed out of the truck. He walked across the parking lot and went to the door.

He stood outside the coffee shop. The coffee shop was different. Its main focus was on coffee and churros. Buck liked to try new things. This place was right up his unique restaurants to try. He walked into the coffee shop.

There he was sitting at a table that was by itself in a quiet corner. Riah's somewhat curly hair lay messily over his forehead. He had on a black t-shirt with dark blue jeans and black Converse high-tops. His arms were tattooed, and he had black framed glasses perched on top of his head. His green eyes lit up as he noticed Buck.

Buck walked across the coffee shop and smiled at Riah. Riah stood and gave him a hug. Riah was shorter and thinner than him. He smelled like a mix of cedar and aftershave. He enjoyed that mixture of scents on him. "Hi," Buck said before they stepped back.

Riah smiled big up at Buck. "You look good enough to eat," Riah joked.

Buck blushed. He smiled back at him. There was this burn of need in his gut at the thought of Riah wanting him, to eat him in a way. "Are you that hungry?" He asked. Buck let his teeth tug on his lower lip as he tried to focus on anything but wanting that.

Riah grinned. "I am," Riah pressed his fingers into Buck's hand. "Is this okay?" Riah asked. The touch set his skin on fire for a moment. Buck's need for touch was granted.

Buck nodded. They walked to the front and went to order their food and coffee. Riah's fingers laced between Buck's, and it was such a perfect moment for him. Riah ordered a horchata ice latte and avocado toast ranchero. Buck ordered an Abuelita cream cold brew coffee and a Bacon avocado sandwich. Buck paid for the food.

They took their number and went back to the table. "So, have you been here before?" Buck asked.

Riah shook his head. "First time, but one of the physical therapist assistants told me about it last week. It sounded good to me," he told Buck.

Buck nodded his head. "I love trying out of the box kinda places. I went with a friend a few weeks ago to this waffle tower place. It was so good," he told Riah.

Riah nodded his head. "Oooh, that sounds sugary and so good. I love breakfast food a lot. Plus, breakfast dates if they go well can turn into hanging out," Riah told him.

He nodded. "I can see where that could be a bonus. I think the traditional dinner date can be good, but I also like to cook for those around me. Sometimes cooking is way better than going to an overpriced restaurant," he admitted.

Riah smiled at him. "I like home-cooked dinner. Maybe our next date could be that?" Riah asked.

Buck opened his mouth, but their coffees and food were set down before them. "Thank you," he told the staff member.

Riah smiled at Buck. "Thank you," Riah said before they walked away.

The two of them started to eat. They were enjoying each other's company. Once Buck finished a bite, he took a sip of his cold brew. He nodded. "Mm, okay, this is good. How's your sandwich?" He asked.

Riah nodded. "This was so good. I'm so glad we decided here," Riah admitted.

Buck nodded. "What made you get into physical therapy?" He asked.

Riah smiled. "My sister actually. She's had her struggles growing up, and she always pushed past when they told her she couldn't. She fell off a horse when she was 7. She injured her spinal chord and has partial paralysis," Riah told him.

Buck reached across and squeezed Riah's hand. "I'm so sorry about your sister. But you probably were the best support for her growing up. I know my sister is the best," he told Riah.

Their hands laced together on the table. Neither of them dared to let go. It felt comfortable, like it wasn't a first date at all.

Once they finished their food, both of them sat back and drank their coffees. "I'm glad we did the ice breaker before; this feels comfortable," Buck admitted.

One of the staff cleared the empty plates from their table. Buck made a mental note to come back here again to try the churro donut because that sounded delicious.

Riah nodded. "What do you think about us going for a walk?" Riah suggested.

He was really enjoying this date with Riah. Which he kind of had a feeling he would. He smiled at Riah. "Yeah, we can do that, but only if…" Buck smiled as he stood. He offered his hand to Riah. Once their hands were interlinked, Buck walked out with Riah.

Maybe there was one good thing to come out of transferring.

They had been together for nearly an hour, and it was one of those things where Buck was worried about annoying him with random quirks. Riah squeezed his hand as they got into a louder part of the street. Almost like loud noises scared him.

Buck glanced over and saw how Riah's face contorted a bit. "Hey, Ri? You okay?" He asked.

Riah's breath was a little heavy. "Mm, yeah, so good," Riah lied. Buck didn't like that he masked for him.

Oh.

Buck pulled him across the street from the loudness, careful of any cars. He then stopped him and placed one hand on his shoulder. "Ri, breathe with me, okay?" He asked. Buck breathed in and out like he did when Eddie had a panic attack.

Riah calmed down and looked up, embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I… get overwhelmed when it's loud," Riah told him.

Buck nodded his head. "Do you wanna go somewhere quieter? I can drive us to my favorite trail? We can stop and get water on the way?" He suggested.

Riah nodded. "I like hiking," Riah told him.

Buck led him back towards the coffee shop. He squeezed his hand, enjoying his time with Riah.

He opened his truck door, and Riah climbed in. He shut it once he was safely inside.

Buck pulled into the coffee shop after their hike, and he got out. He walked around and met Riah between their vehicles. "I had a lot of fun with you today," he told Riah.

Riah stood against his car. Buck slipped his hand under his jaw. "Me too," Riah told him.

Buck stood closer, and he leaned down. "Can I kiss you?" He asked.

Riah laughed. "Yeah. I wanted to kiss you on the hike," Riah admitted.

Buck closed the distance between them. He leaned down and slipped his fingers to the back of his head. His lips brushed against Riah's for a moment. Then they kissed a little deeper. The sexual tension was there, but Buck didn't want to push too much too soon.

Don't be too much.

Riah wanted it; he pushed forward. His tongue pushed into Buck's mouth. A soft groan sounded from Buck. He wanted more, and he let his tongue rub softly against his. He could feel that warmth spreading in his stomach of desire. This wasn't like when he kissed Ashley. Part of him could almost feel himself drifting to that once place.

Eddie.

Buck didn't stop kissing him. No, he was desperate for more. There was no mustache, and there was no stubble on Riah. He kept thinking about the way his fingers would feel nuzzled at the base of Eddie's head as their tongues pressed together. This was not fair to Riah, but Buck couldn't stop where his mind went. He gripped his hair as his mouth pressed harder against Riah's. After a few minutes, they broke apart, both smiling like idiots at each other.

Oh no.

Buck's hand slipped down to Riah's arm. He traced his finger over the tattoo that wrapped around his arm. "I should go, but I'll be thinking about that kiss," he told Riah.

Did I really picture Riah as Eddie?

Riah smiled up at him. "Think about Monday night?" Riah suggested to him.

They let go, and Riah got into his car. Buck stood against his truck for a minute. He waved bye to him.

He climbed into his truck and went home. He was hopeful for whatever this was. He liked him and knew that it could be a disaster waiting to happen, but he had more hope than when he pulled into that parking lot.

-Week  9-

-Monday-

Sunday's shift wasn't as bad as Buck had anticipated. He had thought about things. He talked with Ashley a bit, and she reassured him that enjoying Riah's company wasn't a bad thing.

Buck:

What if I come and make you dinner tonight?

Riah:

tonight? i'm down. i can send u my address. i'm off around 5. do u wanna come over at 6?

Buck:

That works. Do you have any food allergies I should be aware of?

Riah:

none! u gonna make me one of those famous pasta dishes?

Buck:

Of course! Gonna head to sleep now. I'll see you around 6.

Buck showed up at Riah's at 6 like he had promised. He had decided on making a Carbonara for Riah. The two of them drank wine while he made dinner. The two of them were having small talk here and there during the prep and cooking.

"This was probably the best thing I ever had," Riah told him. The two were cleaning up the mess together. Buck was washing while Riah dried the dishes. It would look very domestic for a casual date night between two people who have known each other for two weeks now.

Once dinner was over, Buck and Riah were sitting on the couch together. Riah put on a movie, and Buck tried to pretend like he was into the movie. His mind was thinking about kissing him again. The kiss the other day was locked into his mind, and that is what he wanted.

Buck moved a little closer to Riah. He slipped his arm around the back of the couch behind Riah. Riah looked over at him. "Are you trying to be smooth?" Riah teased.

Buck blushed. "I've been thinking about that kiss the other day since I walked in," he admitted. His hand brushed against the back of Riah's hair.

Riah smiled as he moved closer; the side of Riah's body was pressed against his. "Me too, honestly. I wanted to invite you over yesterday, but I remembered you had to work," Riah told him.

Buck's fingers brushed against the back of Riah's neck, playing with his hair a bit. "Yeah? I would have loved to see you. Yesterday wasn't too hectic. This station gets pretty mellow at times compared to my old station," he told Riah.

Riah let his eyes close as Buck played with his hair. "Yeah? I bet you get bored a bit," Riah muttered.

Buck's fingers pressed down to his shoulder. He traced along his shoulder that was in that tank top. "Sometimes, but it makes texting you that much more fun," he admitted.

Riah looked up at him, his green eyes focused on Buck's. "Did you like the picture I sent you?" Riah asked.

Buck nodded his head. "I did. You looked so hot," he told Riah. His fingers slid down his arm and pulled Riah closer to him.

Riah swung his leg over Buck and slipped into his lap. Riah straddled Buck. His hips pressed down against Buck. He then gripped the back of Buck's hair and dragged his head back. "How hot did I look?" Riah asked.

Buck went to open his mouth, but then he felt Riah's lips on his pulse point. He let out a soft groan. "Mm, very hot. You just got done working out. You had all this sweat on your body, and my mind went blank. I had to go on a call right after you sent that," he told Riah.

Riah's lips sucked on his pulse point, then slipped down to the spot that Eddie had left the mark nearly 2 weeks ago. Buck let out a sound as Riah bit into his skin and sucked it slowly. He marked Buck. Buck rutted his hips up against Riah's thigh.

Riah held him there for a moment between his thighs. He was able to stop Buck's movement to try and get more friction. "You're so needy for me, Buck," Riah told him, huskily.

Buck needed that sweet relief. "I am so needy. Please, can I feel more?" he begged.

Riah let his legs slide down so Buck could grind up against his thigh again. Buck's eyes rolled back as he felt the way his thigh pressed down. His thighs were thinner than Eddie's. He could get just enough relief. The way Riah's thigh pressed his jeans against his cock, he let out a soft sound as his head fell back.

Why am I thinking about him again?

Riah pressed harder down and brought his mouth to Buck's. He let his lips ghost over Buck's. "Are you going to be good for me, Buck?" Riah asked. The whole time, Buck thought he might have to take charge, but was he wrong? Riah was good at knowing what Buck needed to hear without asking.

Buck nodded and swallowed as a wet spot formed on his jeans. He leaked in his boxers, already coating them in precum. He rocked his hips up against Riah.

Eddie would be laughing at how desperate I am.

I miss the sound of his laugh.

Buck let his head fall badly. "Mm, yes, baby. I'll be so good for you," he told Riah, desperately.

Riah liked that. He rewarded Buck with more of his thigh. He pressed down and ground the thigh into his bulge. Buck was hard, so hard that it was a little painful. He hadn't been with anyone in months, and here he was, desperate for Riah. "You are so hard for me. Already calling me baby? I bet you need to cum so bad, don't you?" Riah bit on Buck's lower lip, tugged it between his teeth. After a moment, he slipped his tongue into his mouth.

Buck felt that sweet relief as he grew closer, so much precum was oozing inside of his boxers. He knew he would go home messy from this. He ground his hips up against Riah more desperately. "Please, oh fuck please," he muttered as he pulled back.

Riah smiled. "You can cum like a good boy," Riah told him.

Eddie would love how needy I am like this. How I am letting Riah make me messy.

And Buck did. He made a mess inside his boxers and jeans. He was so embarrassed, but it felt so good. He panted as the thoughts of Eddie filled his mind. He needed to talk to him. He needed him. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Thinking about Eddie while with Riah.

When Buck finally caught his breath, he looked up at Riah. "Oh shit," he mumbled.

Riah laughed a little. "Yeah? Was that good?" He asked Buck.

Buck hadn't expected to be with someone who could know what he needed without really knowing him. Part of him knew it was Buck telling him how words of affirmation were important to him, and the other part wanted Riah to keep calling him a good boy.

Buck smiled at him. "It was. Can I take care of you now?" Buck asked with soft eyes.

Riah smiled. "What would you like to do to me?" Riah asked.

Buck smiled. "I wanna blow you. Is that okay?" He asked.

Riah nodded his head. "I would like that a lot, actually," he told Buck. Riah stood up and undid his drawstring shorts.

Buck adjusted himself before he stood up. He watched Riah sit back with his cock out. He smiled as he looked at him. "You are so sexy," Buck told him.

Riah cupped Buck's cheek softly, and he rubbed his scruff growing on his jawline. "Mm, yeah? You like my body?" He asked Buck.

Buck leaned down and kissed his inner thigh. "I do. You are sexy, you are kind, and that's incredibly sexy. You know I like being called good boy without being prompted. You take control, too," Buck told him.

Riah watched Buck. It was probably the sexiest look Buck had ever seen in someone's eyes before. He had a lot of sexual chemistry with Taylor like this, but Riah was different. If Buck were in a place to actually enjoy being with a man like Riah? He might have found the person who could really lead him to that place.

Buck's tongue slipped along the tip. He held Riah's cock in one hand. The taste of his precum was on there, and he liked the taste. He flicked his tongue a few times against the slit.

Riah hooked his fingers through Buck's curls. Buck's mouth parted, and his tongue traced under the underside of his cock.

He took more of Riah into his mouth, his mouth stretched around his cock to accommodate his size. Buck loved the way Riah would move his hips just enough to guide Buck where he wanted him.

Riah tilted his head back against the couch as Buck worked more of him down his throat. His fingers tangled into his curls, and he moved his hips up to thrust into Buck's mouth.

Buck gagged just slightly, and drool trickled down his chin and the corners of his mouth. "You're doing so good, baby boy," Riah muttered. He knew that words of affirmation were important to Buck.

Buck groaned around him, his cheeks hollowed as Riah started to fuck into his throat. He worked his hips and let his balls slap slightly off his chin. Another gag and Buck swallowed to accommodate the quicker pace.

Riah tested him a bit and then got into it more. Buck's knees scratched across the carpet as he felt Riah sit up more against the couch. Another groan sounded from around Riah's cock. "I'm getting close, you're doing so good," Riah told Buck.

Buck nodded as he kept working his mouth. He knew he probably should pull off. They hadn't even that talk. Riah pulled out as he looked at him. "I'm clean, I get tested a lot," he promised him. Buck looked at him, and he held his mouth open.

Buck felt the first bit of cum splash on his tongue and cheek. Then he felt another hit his nose before Riah finished in his mouth. He groaned at the taste of him, something he could get used to. He wondered what Eddie would taste like; he knew he couldn't, but here he was. He thought about Eddie once more and felt so guilty about it. Buck swallowed what had made it into his mouth. He liked that a lot.

Riah stood up and went down the hall. He returned after a moment with a wet washcloth. He wiped off Buck's face. He smiled and kissed Buck slowly, their tongues pressed together in that lust-filled kiss.

Buck smiled as he pulled back. He stood up and stretched his leg a bit. "I should probably get going. Let's do this again?" Buck asked.

Riah nodded. "Yeah, message me when you are free next. I think this is the start of a good, fun time?" Riah asked.

Buck nodded. "Casual, right?" He wanted to clarify.

Riah nodded. He walked messy Buck to the door. Cum stained his pants, but he didn't care. He was going home anyways. "Casual," Riah told him.

They kissed once more, and then Buck left. He couldn't wait for the next time.

-Wednesday-

Buck had been with Hen. They were catching up when a panicked Christopher called him. He answered on the second ring. "Hey, bud," Buck said as he answered. He looked at Hen then back at his phone.

Chris breathed out. "Dad isn't answering. I think he overslept," Chris told Buck.

Buck looked at Hen. "Hey, did Eddie sleep last night?" He asked her.

She shook her head. "No, we had back-to-back calls, and the one time he was gonna try to go to sleep, he said that he couldn't fall asleep," she told him.

Buck nodded. "Okay, Chris, text your dad and tell him not to worry. I am on my way. I'll see you in 20, okay?" He told Chris.

He hugged Hen and then ran out the door. He got into his truck and sighed. He knew that Eddie sometimes could sleep through his alarm or even turn it off if he was really tired. He didn't blame him.

The drive to the school had taken him exactly 18 minutes from when he left Hen's house. He smiled as Chris walked out, and he got out to help him. "Hey! How's my favorite Diaz?" He asked Chris.

Chris rolled his eyes. Buck walked over and went to sign him out with the teacher waiting. He handed her his driver's license and she checked the list. "Tell Mr. Diaz he needs to call ahead if he is running behind," she told him.

Buck stood there. "I forgot it was my day to pick up Chris. It won't happen again," he told her.

She nodded and handed him the driver's licenses back. She looked at him. "Have a good day, Mr. Buckley," she told him sternly.

He walked back and went to the driver's side. He climbed inside. "Your program director does not like me," he told Chris.

Chris laughed. "She is like that with Dad, too. I just think she doesn't like people," Chris told him.

He laughed. "So, how about we get some Dutch Bros?" Buck suggested.

Chris nodded. "Oh yeah! Send me back to Dad all sugared out?" Chris asked.

Buck laughed. "Exactly. I'm the cool adult, right?" He asked.

Chris laughed. "Sure, keep telling yourself that," Chris teased.

Buck pulled away from the curb and headed to the closest Dutch Bros. He was glad that Chris knew that he could still reach out to him. "How is your Dad?" He asked.

Chris sighed. "Well, if you could talk to him, you would know," Chris told him. Chris had the attitude of a teenager, and Buck regretted asking in that moment.

He nodded. "That's fair," he told Chris. He gripped the steering wheel and tried not to let a 14-year-old make him cry. He hated it when it got into his head, and now he knew that this was also having an effect on Christopher, too. "I'm sorry, Chris. I never wanted you to have to be in the middle," he admitted sadly.

Chris patted his arm. "It's okay, Buck. I know you didn't. My Dad isn't always the best at communicating. Maybe you guys will figure it out," Chris told him.

Chris ended up with some sickly-sweet cotton candy drink with a soft top, and Buck ordered a caramel cold brew with a splash of oat milk with a soft top. He also ordered a black iced coffee with a little sweetener in it for Eddie.

Once Chris was safe at home, Buck headed towards his apartment. He needed to get some research done that he had been dying to do. He wanted to just chill out for the night.

He heard a few pings come through. New text messages from Eddie:

Eddie:

Thanks! So sorry!

I didn’t sleep the night before we were so busy.

Hope all is well.

I still miss you.

Buck sighed and went to grab a beer. He really couldn't deal with this right now.

Later that night, and about 4 beers in, Buck was just annoyed. He looked at Eddie's texts like a million times at this point. The more he looked at the texts, the more he was desperate to talk to Eddie. Also, what was this whole thinking about Eddie while with Riah thing about?

Riah was great, don't get him wrong. He had enjoyed the night out with him; he loved the way he focused purely on him. He even enjoyed the time they had briefly. So, why was he staring at the play now feature that said Eddie's Bedroom? Well, drunk, horny, and missing Eddie was not a good mix for one Evan Buckley.

He sent the song to Eddie's Alexa with a chuckle. The next hour was filled with Buck changing the Spotify playlist. He was drunk, horny, and confused. Not a really good mix.

Buck changed the playlist name eddie stalking me again.

He giggled at that one before he started the first song. Buck was a Swiftie, so of course he picked invisible string.

Buck listened to the song, and then he was perplexed as he saw the song that Eddie pushed to the top. His stomach felt nauseous as the song started to play, half a man by Dean Lewis. "You aren't half a man. Oh, Eds," he mumbled sadly.

Buck changed the title of the playlist once again, you are more than you think.

Can't you see how much you mean to me, Eddie?

Buck pushed a song he had on repeat lately that he had heard randomly. He sighed as Tate McRae, that way, started to play. Buck listened to this song like it was the holy grail, like it was the one thing that made sense for him.

The final song of their little Spotify fight was another Taylor Swift song. Eddie pushed this one through, and Buck could feel his heart shatter as this is my trying started to play. Eddie knew what this song meant to Buck. It was something that he shared with Eddie when he opened up about being sad before Bobby died.

-Flashback to 4 months ago-

Buck:

I don't feel okay. Are you working?

Eddie:

Are you sick? I have a ride then I can pause for a bit.

Buck:

Can you listen to this? Just listen to it please?

Eddie:

Okay, send it. I'll facetime you in 30 okay?

Buck:

Thanks, Eds.

"I have a lot of regrets about that, I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere. Fell behind all my classmates, and I ended up here, Pouring out my heart to a stranger. But I didn't pour the whiskey."

Buck laid there like his heart would explode at any moment. The phone rang and he answered on the third ring of the FaceTime call. "Buck, look at me," Eddie whispered.

Buck had the phone on his chest as he looked up at the ceiling. "What's the point, Eddie? You aren't really here. You can't swoop in here and tell me that it's all okay," he told Eddie.

You can't tell me that I'm crazy for even considering my feelings for you.

The thing Eddie didn't know, three days before Buck and Tommy were together. He realized that he did, in fact, have feelings for Eddie that day. When Tommy insinuated that Eddie was the competition.

Eddie sighed. "I know.. But I need you to look at me. I need to know you are okay," he told Buck.

You need to know I'm okay? Well, I'm not. Fuck you, Thomas Kinard.

Buck finally sat up against the headboard. His blue eyes were filled with that sadness that Eddie had seen a few times before. Once, Eddie had his first PTSD episode. Buck shook his head to remove that emptiness behind his eyes.

Eddie smiled at him. "There he is," he told Buck. He then ran his fingers through his ungelled hair. "I need you to do me the biggest favor. Do you think you can do that for me?" Eddie asked.

Favor?

Buck looked at him. "Sure," he mumbled.

Eddie nodded. "I need you to take one of those amazing baths that you love so much. You can take me off FaceTime, and we can talk the whole time if you want. I can tell you about the disaster of Chris' chess game. Would you like that?" Eddie asked.

I love listening to his disasters with the Diaz family.

Buck smiled at him and rolled his eyes. "You just wanna see me naked," he teased.

Pretend.

Buck watched as Eddie blushed. Part of him was curious if it wasn't just him who had feelings, but Eddie is straight.

Eddie smiled. "Shut up and go get the bath started. I want you to hear all about my day as I drive home. I get to be selfish this time," he teased.

You can't tell him. You can't be honest that hearing his day makes yours better.

Buck and Eddie talked for over an hour. Buck had the camera off of him while Eddie drove home. He told him all about Chris throwing up on the board, about him getting Chris' stuff, and Chris moving into the house. Buck was happy that something was going right. Part of him wanted them to pack up and come back, but he couldn't be selfish. He just listened to him talk.

When the call ended that night. Eddie had sent him a picture of Chris and himself. Buck fell asleep in a better mood after that.

-End Flashback-

Eddie knew what that song meant to Buck, and he still sent it. Maybe, there was a reason for this after all. Riah was great, but Buck had to figure out what he wanted. The only thing he didn't know? In a few days, he'd almost run into Eddie on a call. The call was insane, and he had been on for hours with his team.

-Week 10-

-Monday-

Monday was supposed to be normal. They had three days off in a row. It was a nice change, and Buck was ready to be back at it. The only thing was that every house in Hawthorne and Gardena got called to a three-alarm warehouse fire as soon as they clocked in for the day. They packed the rig with things they would need to stay hydrated. It would be a long shift.

Buck was on relief and rescue with Jay. They were coming in and out for an hour before they took a mandatory break. Buck sat off to the side with Jay. "Hey, isn't that your old house?" Jay asked.

Buck looked up as he saw the truck and ambulance park near the relief area. "Yeah, it is," he said.

Buck watched as Chimney gave orders, and he saw Eddie. He slipped around the side of the rest tent. "I think I'm ready to go back, you good?" He asked Jay.

Jay and Buck went back in as Eddie went to the trauma setup. They missed each other, luckily. The fire took over a portion of the warehouse, and everyone was ordered to the other side.

Buck cleared a room with Jay and heard Ravi. "He,y Buck!" Ravi yelled. Buck gave him a fist bump.

He turned to him, then went back. "Hey, wanna go work out on Thursday before shift?" He asked Ravi.

Ravi nodded as he opened the closet to check inside. "Yeah, that would be great. Just text me on Wednesday and remind me," he told him.

Ravi went to meet up with a floater from the 118. Buck still thought that it was odd they hadn't replaced him yet.

Buck could hear the radio, and Ashley asked for him. He looked at Jay, and they both went out. "Are you going to act normal this time?" Jay asked him.

Buck laughed and shoved him. "Shut up," he told Jay.

The two of them walked to the far end of the burn area and found Ashley. Their backs were to Eddie, and Eddie was faced away, thankfully.

Buck felt like his nerve endings were on fire, but he would work with Eddie if he had to. "Hey Ash, what's up?" He asked.

Ashley smiled. "Can you help me raise a patient?" She asked him.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Is this what you really needed? I am sure one of the guys from the other house could help you?" He asked.

Jay went to help Stella with something. Buck lifted the patient for her so she could apply the bandages she needed to wrap around her torso. "Is that him?" She asked.

Buck looked to where she looked. Eddie had just turned around, and Buck turned quickly. "Why?" He asked her.

Eddie made a noise. Buck heard it too. This was all making sense now. "I should get back to the fire," he told her.

Jay and Buck walked off. He heard Eddie call out. "Buck?" He asked. Buck didn't turn around. He couldn't face him in that moment.

The rest of the call went well. After the 118 were left, the 162 were left for clean-up and inspection. They looked over the damage and closed off the area for people until a proper investigation could be done.

Buck walked over to Ashley. "Did he say anything to you or Stella?" He asked Ashley.

She shook her head. "We just talked about him not being a paramedic. He did call after you, and he asked me if you were at my house. All I said was that I wasn't sure who he meant," she told him.

Buck smiled. "Thanks for having my back," he told her.

She nodded. "Always, but he looked sad when I lied for you. Maybe you should try talking to him?" She suggested.

Buck nodded. "Yeah, maybe?" He muttered.

Once the call was over, they picked up food on the way back. The house showered, ate their late lunch, and all took a much-needed nap.

The rest of the shift went really well.

Buck looked at his phone, and he saw the text.

Eddie:

I think I'm going crazy. I think I saw you on a call today. I won't bother you, but I just wanted to say hi. I hope you are well.

-Thursday-

Buck didn't tell Ravi about Riah. How could he? He didn't want Eddie to know. Hell, even Maddie didn't know. He might feel guilty about the thoughts every time he was with Riah, because Eddie was in the back of his mind.

They would mess around and have fun, but Eddie was still locked in his heart. He couldn't explain it any other way.

Buck had slipped out of Riah's bed around 4:00 AM and went to his truck. He knew that it was probably bad to leave the guy you were seeing without much of a message, but they had talked about it the night before.

Buck got into his truck and slung the LAFD bag into the backseat, and he was off to the gym. Lucky for him, Riah wasn't nearly as far away as Buck was. Huntington Park was a good 30-minute drive at that time of morning from the gym near the 118.

He pulled up and saw Ravi's car already there. He got out and took his bag inside. He went straight into the locker room after using his key fob to scan into the gym. He went to his usual locker and put his bag down. He undressed down to his boxers and slipped on his tank top and shorts.

Once he was dressed, he locked his locker and went to find Ravi. Ravi was on the treadmill running, and Buck put his bottle in the holder next to him. He slipped his earbuds in and started his warm-up.

Ravi nodded to him, and Buck nodded back. The two of them did their run on the treadmill, listening to music or a podcast.

Buck listened to a murder mystery podcast that Eddie got him hooked on while he was in El Paso. He laughed a little under his breath at a funny part.

After the ten-minute warm-up, Buck and Ravi walked over to the free weights. Buck stretched his upper arms. He listened to the podcast while Ravi did the same. Once he was done, he paused the podcast and turned to Ravi.

Ravi took his earbuds out and looked at him. "Upper arms or legs?" Ravi asked.

Buck smiled. "I kind of need to do both? Does that work for you? We can do kettle-bell stuff, and it can help?" He suggested.

Buck had been working out with Ashley so much that he learned how to incorporate new exercises. She nearly killed him during leg day last week.

Buck grabbed a few different weights, a slam ball, a few kettle bells, and a step for them. They were off to the side, away from everyone. They started with the upper arms. They did a few different exercises and coached each other through them.

Then they started on their legs. They did some step-ups with the slam ball hugged to their chest. They switched off every set, and then when they were done, they worked on doing some squats with the kettle-bells.

Once those were done, Buck coached Ravi through the lunges they would finish their routine on. "You're doing great. Just a few more," he told Ravi.

Then it was Buck's turn. He grabbed the weight he wanted and started his lunges. He was trying to build more strength despite the pain he had been having from the chronic pain.

Buck lifted the kettle-bell and lunged forward. He breathed through every movement, his lungs on fire as Ravi watched him. "Good Buck, three more," Ravi told him.

3

2

1

Buck put the kettle-bell down and took his water. He sucked down some of it. "That was the last rep. You wanna grab coffee at that one place?" Buck asked.

Ravi nodded. "Oh, that sounds great. You wanna take some progress pictures again?" Ravi asked.

He nodded. The two of them took several pictures, and then Buck went to change, and he took some solo ones. He even took a few shirtless ones he'd put up tomorrow.

Once he changed, he grabbed his bag and met Ravi in the parking lot. "I'll meet you there," he told Buck.

Buck drove the ten-minute drive to the coffee shop. He was excited to be hanging out with Ravi again. He parked and got out.

Ravi and him went into the coffee shop and stood in line. "Buck," Ravi said. Buck turned and saw the back of Eddie's head.

Buck ordered his coffee and then got one for Eddie. When it was done, he ran out, seeing the Prius still parked. He walked over and knocked on the window. He handed it over.

Over the next fifteen minutes, Buck and Eddie got into it. Buck couldn't be honest even if he wanted to. But he somehow did. How did he tell him everything he shouldn't but wanted to at the same time?

I don't belong to you like that.

Those words could fracture a friendship, and he knew it. They just flew out of his mouth like the worst love letter of all time. Buck couldn't go back to acting like before. Not when he told him the one thing he had been dreading for months now.

How do I go back to acting like you don't exist?

Buck drove off, and his heart hurt. He knew it wasn't fair. He knew that he had left Eddie standing there again. He left and didn't look back again. He couldn't.

Tears streamed down his face as he felt like everything hit him. Eddie was desperate to get him to listen to him. He had something important to tell him, and he just left. Then the words he spoke repeated in his head like a broken record on repeat.

Do you want to belong to me like that?

Do you want to belong to me like that?

Eddie's words rang in his head. It was all but a love confession, he yelled at him. Everything boiled over, and all Buck wanted was to run to Riah and be told how good he was. He wanted to feel wanted.

The 50-minute drive felt like hell. He didn't think he could ever show his face on that side of town again. He didn't think he would ever want to. Then Buck could just hear that when he was ready that Eddie had something important to tell him.

Maybe everything hadn't been in his head this time. Was Eddie trying to tell him what was going through his mind, and did he shut him down?

Chimney even seemed a little confused about the whole situation between them. Maybe this was what he needed to figure out. Maybe it was Eddie all along who had the keys to what it was to fix the brokenness in their fractured friendship. Maybe, just maybe, Buck could forget things and go back to before?

-Saturday-

Buck finally had a moment to himself. He sat back and looked over the photos he took with Ravi. He found a few he liked and started the new post.

@firehose: Another great workout at @risefitness with @ravishing.

~Attached were several photos: He added two photos during their workout, 1 with Ravi after they worked out, and the last two were in the bathroom. Buck had his shirt on for one, the sweat showed through the tank top, and when his shirt was off, sweat dripped down his chest.~

He posted them and then laid back in bed. Almost instantly, he saw the like from Eddie. He raised a brow at that one. He didn't think after their fight two days ago that Eddie would be so fast to fold. To be stalking his photos again, but here they were.

Is this a new thing for us?

He then didn't mistake another, like five minutes later, from a photo shoot last year. There was an arrangement of photos. He had one where he was in a harness both on the ground and suspended. Another photo in an old turnout showed that the suspenders were down and showing off his arms in a tank top. The last one had Buck shirtless, who was dark; he looked up at the ceiling. He raised a brow as he saw which ones it was. It was the sexy one he did with a photographer friend.

Okay Eddie. You are stalking my Instagram now?

He chuckled to himself. That is odd even for Mr. Technophobe himself. A part of Buck wondered if this was a normal habit for I need to tell you something important Diaz or if this was a newly developed habit.

The third like wasn't even being hidden now. It was from 6 weeks ago, a video of him working out that he posted at 162. He raised a brow at that; it was when he did lunges. Ashley had recorded it.

His new entertainment was how long Eddie was going to send likes without even knowing. Buck was humorous and posted a story.

He posted a shirtless in bed selfie. He added a caption:

@firehose: Thinking of someone. 😈

He watched as Eddie viewed it. A new game was being established.

@eddiebodywantssome had liked your story.

"I bet he has," Buck said to himself. The amusement that Buck felt in that moment was thrilling. He liked the attention.

Game on.

Buck went to sleep with the mindset that Eddie was obsessed with him again. Totally best friend behavior, right?

-Week 11-

-Monday-

Two days since the random likes on his video, and Riah was busy. Buck's mind wasn't on the guy he had hooked up with, no, because that would be healthy. No, it was on Eddie again.

A couple beers in, sweats low on his hips, and his AirPods in. He looked at the Spotify jam session.

Buck, of course, wanted to cause some chaos again. His eyes locked on the Spotify playlist. He sent an invite to Eddie in texts. He then saw him join the session. That was the thing about music, it always had this way of finding words when Buck couldn't tell him how he felt.

He moved up in my blood by Shawn Mendes. He closed his eyes as the music hit his ears. The sound of his heart bleeding for Eddie to understand that Buck wasn't okay, even if he tried to prove otherwise.

"I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious. Afraid to be alone again, I hate this. I'm trying find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh."

Buck tilted his head back as he thought about the emptiness he was trying to fill with Riah. He felt so guilty about that. Every thought brought him back to Eddie.

"Is there somebody who could help me? It's like the walls are caving in, Sometimes I feel like giving up. No medicine is strong enough. Someone help me."

He breathed out as he glanced over at the picture of Eddie on his entryway table. One with him and Eddie at some event a few years back. He couldn't bring Riah over here because it was filled with Eddie. Even though Eddie had never been here, the memories were all over, like he had a stake in the apartment.

"I'm crawling in my skin, sometimes I feel like giving up. But I just can't, it isn't in my blood."

While the song played, Eddie had moved a song into the queue. Buck hadn't noticed until it started to play. Eddie added the song, the other side by Ruelle to the top. Buck listened as it started. The words flowed into his ears.

"We are buried in broken dreams, we are knee-deep without a plea."

Buck's eyes shut for a moment as he thought. He had heard this song before. Eddie had it on some playlist, and he never really understood it until that moment.

"I don't want to know what it's like to live without you. Don't want to know the other side of a world without you."

When Buck was in a coma, he remembered never meeting Eddie. He remembered what his life meant to everyone because it changed how things were.

"The stars choose their lovers, save me soul. It hurts just the same, and I can't tear myself away."

Buck breathed out. He wiped under his eyes as he heard the last verse play. He had moved the next song up, better off without me by Matt Hansen.

"I like to think I was not the destination. Just a temporary stop along the way."

He was so used to people just being temporary in his life, part of him believed that Eddie would be one too. He was so used to being left that Eddie would find someone who could be a better best friend to him.

"It won't be long now. Someday when you're someone else's. Yeah, you'll say it's for the best we walked away."

Maybe sometimes, his RSD was that bad that even Buck believed keeping everyone at arm's length was for the best. Eddie had broken through those walls and understood that Buck needed to be pushed back. Every text was Eddie's way of showing he wasn't giving up that easily.

"One day, I'll just be a memory, and you'll be better. Better off without me."

Buck really did believe that Eddie's life could keep going on without him. Ashley had started to take that place in Buck's life as someone he could count on, but he still didn't let her in like he had Eddie. He sighed as the music played through his AirPods. He loved Eddie. He knew it, but he would ruin Eddie like he did everything else in his life. He felt that in his soul.

The next song in the queue, Eddie added was chasing shadows by Alex Warren. This was a song that Buck had listened to before, but never expected Eddie to push it through.

"I'm homesick for somewhere that doesn't exist."

Buck's eyes flicked to his phone on his chest. He wanted to text him, to call him, to let him know he was still here.

"For someone I'm still learning to miss, it's like you've been replaced."

Buck felt like he was easily replaceable in everyone's life, but he knew Eddie probably hung out with Ravi, but it wasn't the same. Like the night that Buck hung out with Ravi before the Tommy incident.

"Eddie has a Silver Star."

"Eddie would never do anything illegal."

"Sun goes up, then the sun goes down. And your shadow gets longer on the ground. And it's all for what? 'Cause you're not around. But I still hope I'll make you proud."

He smiled as he thought about Paramedic Eddie. He thought about how hard he worked to be here. To get there, Buck knew that he would pass the test. He always knew that Eddie had it in him.

"But you're part of me, I can't let you go. "

He breathed out slowly. He looked down at the phone. He couldn't ever completely let go of Eddie. He knew that, but pushing him away was what was best.

"So, I just keep on chasing shadows of you, of you."

Buck now got it. The text from the other day. Eddie had seen him, but was busy with a patient. He probably wanted to chase him. He probably wanted to tell him everything.

"I'm homesick for conversations I would avoid. Now I miss the sound of your voice, it's like you've been replaced by a tattoo of your name."

Buck couldn't think about this again. He stopped the jam session and put his phone to the side. He wanted to text him. He wanted to stop thinking about Eddie. He wanted to stop wondering what it would be like to be with him. He owed so much more to Riah than thinking about Eddie all the time. Buck traced the lines on his tattoo on his arm. It's like Eddie was tattooed on his skin.

-Wednesday -

Buck was lying in bed again. He wanted something to do, but Riah was busy. He sighed, bored out of his mind.

Ping.

New text message from Eddie

Ping.

New text message from Eddie.

Ping.

New text message from Eddie.

What on earth?

He didn't look at the preview, no because that would have prepared him for what he could see.

Eddie:

Hi. Are you still ignoring me?

Looks like it. Oh well.

But I have a question. I don't know if I should ask it or not.

Buck watched as the dots appeared and disappeared. He did this a few times.

Ping.

Buck's eyes scanned the words, and they went wide.

Eddie:

I know you probably won't see this, but what's it like giving a blow job does it feel good?

What?!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Eddie what?!?!

Buck pinched himself to figure out if he was dreaming. He breathed in and out quickly. Is this how he finds out Eddie is gay or bi or something?

Not a dream.

He sat up and then looked at his phone. Eddie was typing again.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Another message came through.

Ping.

Eddie:

I kinda wish I could have your dick in my mouth. But you keep ignoring me like a child!

He scrambled out of bed, tripped over his sheets, and slipped into his closet to grab his things.

Buck pulled on sweats and his hoodie. He barely got his wallet and keys. He locked the door and ran to his truck.

He was hard. The thought of Edmundo Diaz wanting to blow him? He was so hard and had a casual boyfriend, but fuck, Eddie wanted to blow him? Who was he to not let him?

The 25-minute drive was enough time for him to rationalize being a slut for Eddie. He went back and forth in his mind. Could he really go there? He didn't care right now. He could be messy when he was horny.

He'd do anything for Eddie right now.

He parked on the street. He got out and ran up. He nearly fumbled his keys. He forgot the camera was there but didn't care. The light recorded Buck as he picked the key from the porch.

He unlocked the door and went inside. He saw the beers on the coffee table. He knew Eddie was drunk or had been drinking. He walked down the hall. He saw Eddie in his sweats lying on his stomach.

He sighed. watched him for a moment, then covered him with the blanket. "Sweet dreams," Buck whispered.

That's when he saw the bag. Eddie went to a sex store. He was curious, but he didn't even look inside. He walked out and went to his truck.

He sat there for a moment. "Fuck you, Eds. The biggest blue balls ever," he mumbled.

-Saturday-

Two nights in a row, Buck had been here. This was unhinged, and he knew it. Buck knew he shouldn't be parked across the street from Eddie's neighbor's house, but he was. This was the second time. The Prius was in his driveway, and it was late at night. He should be at Riah's, but he lied and said something came up he had to handle.

Riah got back from his work thing earlier that day. Buck and him made tentative plans, but here he was. He decided to watch Eddie's house for any sign that he was lying about everything.

When did it become this? When he became so unhinged, he would just sit in his truck with a coffee and watch the house he used to run into without even knocking.

Eddie:

Hey! Did you come over the other night? I saw you on the camera?

Buck's stomach dropped. Then a car pulled up. Buck was sure he would throw up.

Then he saw that familiar dark car, the one that had picked him up a few times. Why was he, of all people, here this late on a Saturday night? A long hug in the driveway.

Really?

Really?!

He watched them go inside. "He texted all that for what? To hook up with Ravi? Get out of here," he sighed. He pulled his phone out and hesitated.

Maybe he was wrong? Ravi would never go there, right? Ravi knew about the oddness between Eddie and Buck. There was no way, and this was all in his sleep-deprived head, but Buck was really unsure. He could believe that delusion to put himself back in Riah's bed.

This isn't fair to Riah. But here he was about to run to him to get one off again because Eddie, because Eddie kept fucking with his head.

How could Eddie date Ravi? That made like zero sense. Ravi was pansexual. Ravi didn't like Eddie like that, right?

Ravi had mentioned someone he was interested in recently. He was trying to rack his head for the pronoun, but he couldn't remember.

Buck:

You want company tonight?

Riah:

sure! it's late, how long until u'll be here?

Buck:

30 minutes, see you soon.

Buck knew he was being unreasonable and using Riah. But Eddie, well, Eddie kept messing with his head. Eddie was the one who started all this with the hickey? At least that was Buck's rational reason. It couldn't be that Buck was in love with his best friend and so confused.

This was the only rational head; he would go to his casual thing. He would do what he needed and think about Eddie the whole time, once again. Instead of communicating again.

Chapter Text

Week 8

Saturday

Buck was different. Riah enjoyed his excitement as he talked about things. The next few hours consisted of them talking, holding hands, and seeing one of Buck's favorite trails outside of Los Angeles.

They walked up the path of the trail. Buck had a backpack on. He wanted to carry the bottles and snacks. Who was Riah to challenge that?

Riah glanced at their fingers intertwined. Buck's hands were huge and easily held Riah's.

Buck hummed. "You step up first," Buck explained to him.

He hesitated for a moment and then let go of the warmth of Buck's hand. He lifted his foot one at a time, but as his second leg went to meet the first, he felt Buck's hands. Buck's strong arms touched his waist to help him lift himself onto that rock. Riah could have done it himself, but who was he to argue with the hot firefighter?

"Thanks," he told Buck. Buck slipped the bag off and handed it to Riah. Riah slipped it over his shoulder and stepped back so Buck could easily climb up that same rock. It was like second nature to Buck and was pretty hot.

Buck held his hands out, and Riah slipped the bag back into his hand. Their fingers would brush, and he could feel that excitement for the taller male. Buck then slipped the bag on, and Riah watched as those muscular arms flexed as it slipped back on his back.

Fuck. He's so hot.

"Like what you see?" Buck teased.

Riah blushed a little. "Shush."

They walked to the top of the trail. Once there, Riah looked out at the trail overlook. Then he felt it, Buck's arms wrapped around him.

They were on their first date, but it felt so comfortable with Buck. He leaned back against that chest. He snuggled perfectly between his chest muscles with his head. "You are so romantic," he teased Buck.

Buck's arms slipped around his front, laced those fingers around Riah's stomach. He was strong, and something felt so comfortable about Buck like this.

I wanna kiss him so bad. He is perfect.

The two stood together. Buck's warmth pressed so close to Riah and it felt different than any other guy he's been with in the past. He could feel those texts and words that had been unspoken tell him what drew him to Buck.

Buck was different. He was kind, hot as hell, and sad.

He licked his lower lip as he looked ahead. "Can I ask you something?" He asked, softly.

Buck nodded against his shoulder.

"You really are okay with it being casual?" He asked.

Buck chuckled a little. "I don't think I am ready for a full-fledged relationship right now. That doesn't mean I won't spoil you like you deserve," Buck admitted.

Buck pulled away, and they walked over to the rock area. They sat on the rocks. Buck pulled out the water and snacks. He handed the ones to Riah. The two enjoyed the nature and just sat in each other's company.

The walk back was filled with them talking about nature, taking photos, and enjoying their time together.

Once they were back in the truck, Riah stopped Buck. "Will I get to see you again soon?" Riah asked.

They had spent most of the day together, which neither of them had planned. Buck smiled. "Yeah. Let me see how tired you are on Monday? I have a shift tomorrow," he told Riah.

The drive back, Buck put his hand on Riah's leg as he drove. Riah sang a little to the Alex Warren mix Buck put on from his Spotify.

Buck and Riah stood against the truck. He felt his body press against the metal behind him, and then Buck moved in closer until their lips touched. The way their lips met in that moment. Everything seemed to blur around him, and it felt like a punch in the gut.

This beautiful man had been hurt so badly by someone, and he made Riah feel so much that he hadn't felt since his last real relationship.

Riah wanted to see him again. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to make Buck feel so good. He wanted Buck to forget whatever was on his mind. He wanted to help numb the pain that he saw in those blue eyes earlier in the day.

They said their goodbyes, and Riah drove back to his house. He thought about the next time they would be together.

Later that night, Riah sat doing some research for a new patient he had on Monday. He looked at the patient's medical scans and developed the treatment plan.

His mind would wander to the curly-haired, blue-eyed man again. He wondered if he had wanted to see him again. He knew he wanted to see Buck. He wondered if Buck would want to do more. He wondered how Buck would be. Would he have to push for more? Would he have to be a power bottom for Buck? He could pull out his more dominant side if he needed to.

He could tell that Buck was timid with him. That was something he knew he could work up to get Buck more comfortable with going for what he wanted. He could tell Buck maybe wasn't as sure of himself with men, and that wasn't a problem for Riah at all.

Riah found himself drawn to @firehose's Instagram page. He looked at the workout pictures that Buck liked to post after a good session. He pushed his free hand against himself. "Buck, oh Buck. I can imagine the things you can do with those arms and thighs to me."

He let his phone fall onto the bed. He lay back and closed his eyes. He could feel how Buck's arms wrapped tightly around him. He could feel that feeling he wanted so bad. Buck was going to throw him against the wall and just do whatever he wanted. He deserved it after all.

Riah wrapped his hand around himself. He thought about curly hair and blue eyes. He thought about those plump lips, and it didn't take long. Riah felt himself cum on his chest. He got up after a moment and went to shower before bed.

-Week 9-

-Sunday-

Riah knew that Buck was at work. He couldn't be too much, but he had been thinking about Buck again. He needed to get his attention, even if he was busy. He was just about to grab his phone when the chime went off.

Buck:

I can't stop thinking about that kiss.

Riah:

same. whatcha doing?

Buck:

Lying down in the bunks.

Riah:

oh? thinking about me in bed?

Buck:

Maybe?

Riah:

just maybe?

Buck:

You have some sexy Instagram photos.

Riah:

so do u.

Buck:

Yeah?

Riah:

I wish u were here.

Buck:

What would you wanna do?

Riah:

*Riah attached a picture of himself in his briefs*

Buck:

fuck! I wanna grind on those thighs.

Riah:

I wanna feel ur mouth on me.

Buck:

Tomorrow? I can make dinner for you.

Riah:

I'll send you my address. 😏

Monday had been great for the two of them. Riah felt like he understood what Buck needed. He smiled as he sat in his office on Tuesday. He thought about the plans that they had made. He knew that he wanted to plan a special date with Buck.

Riah:

Would you like to come over for dinner on Thursday?

Buck:

Oh that sounds great!

Buck:

Oh wait I work. I forgot this schedule this week. I work odd hours.

Riah:

oh. tomorrow?

Buck:

That works.

Riah:

perfect. I'll grab us food and then we can watch a movie?

Buck:

Maybe I can give you another blow job?

Riah:

we can do that too.

Buck:

I can't stop thinking about that.

Riah:

maybe I can give you a blow job this time?

Buck:

Yeah?

Riah:

I bet it will feel good. do u wanna do that?

Buck:

Yes

Riah:

kk then we can plan that.

Buck:

Can't wait!

Riah:

see you tomorrow after 7?

Buck:

See you then

-Wednesday-

Riah smiled as he picked up some food. He grabbed them tacos from a local place on his way home. He loved the idea of the two of them having another fun time together. He wondered how casual would work, but it was doing well so far.

Riah grabbed the two bags of take-out and went into the house. He set up the table and then heard Buck at the door.

He walked around and opened the door. "Hi, handsome."

Buck smiled and hugged him. Buck picked Riah up off the ground. Riah's legs wrapped around Buck as he kicked the door closed.

Buck's lips met with Riah's, and they kissed as Riah pressed into the front door. Their bodies pressed together as they kissed deeply.

Riah pulled back. "Buck, tacos getting uhhh. Cold." As he spoke, Buck found his spark. He bit at Riah's neck and sucked.

"Mm, okay, fair enough." Buck carried him to the dining room and set him on his feet.

He smiled up at Buck. "I promise you can have your way with me after."

Buck nodded. "I guess we wouldn't want the food to get cold."

Buck placed Riah back on his feet, and the two walked into the dining area. Riah went to grab them two beers while Buck settled into a chair.

He walked out and handed over one of the beers to Buck that was opened in the kitchen.

Buck smiled. "Thanks, handsome."

Riah blushed before he took a seat. Buck pulled Riah's chair closer to him by one of the legs. He laughed. "Buuuuck!" He squeaked with a smile.

Buck nudged him. "What? I can't want to sit close to my… Riah?" Buck asked.

He playfully rolled his eyes before handing a styrofoam box with street tacos in it to Buck.

Buck opened his as Riah opened his own. The two sat and ate their food. He was in trouble with Buck, and he knew it. Buck was very aware of what he wanted now. He could tell that Buck had decided not to hold back like before.

Buck smiled over at Riah. "So tell me how was your day?" Buck asked.

He licked his lower lip as he glanced at Buck. "It was good. I had a busy schedule with patients. I might have to have a waiting list soon, but they are trying to hire another physical therapist. I have this conference coming up, too."

Buck looked at him. "Oh, like out of the state?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I gotta go to Florida for 4 days. I would ask you to come, but I am guessing it's hard to get that long off?" He asked.

Buck looked like he thought for a moment. "Yeah, I don't have too much time off banked after my move over here."

He nodded. "Well then, we will have to have fun until I leave, and then talk on the phone or FaceTime?"

Buck nodded. "Yeah, that would work for me."

The two finished their food. Buck grabbed the containers to clean up. "Buck, you are a guest."

Buck smiled. Buck threw the containers in the trash and then walked back to Riah.

He stood before Buck and looked up at him. "You just love to be—" He was cut off by Buck. Buck's arms swooped under his thighs and lifted him against him.

Buck smirked. "Oh, what was that, baby boy?" Buck asked with a tone.

He felt himself grow hard. "Um, are we at this stage now?"

Buck smirked. "Maybe? I haven't stopped thinking about the other day all day."

He smiled down at him before he pulled Buck into a heated kiss. The way Buck kissed, he could feel it deep in his soul, and he enjoyed that part.

Buck pressed him into the wall behind him. He could feel the way his hips pressed against him. He was grinding against him as Riah pressed into his stomach more and more.

Riah pulled back and groaned. "Fuck, Buck."

Buck smirked. "Is that what you want?"

Riah nodded his head quickly. "I do."

Buck nodded and carried him down the hall. "Which door?"

He smirked. "Left end."

Buck slammed Riah against the wall, and they both laughed. Well, Riah actually moaned but covered it with a laugh. He could feel how leaky he was just by that roughness.

"More," Riah begged.

Buck opened the bedroom door and tossed Riah onto his bed like it took nothing.

Riah sat up on his knees and looked up at Buck. Buck slowly lifted his hand and held up Riah's face. He gripped his chin between his pointer finger and thumb roughly.

"So eager for me."

Riah nodded quickly. "Yes. Oh fuck. I didn't know you were like this."

Buck smirked a little and let his hand run down to his throat. Riah looked up at him with eager eyes. He wanted more of this.

"Like what? You said several times how you like it rough. Are you taking it back?" Buck asked.

Riah shook his head. "Not taking it back. Just surprised is all. I thought after last time… I would have to push harder."

Buck smiled at him. His fingers wrapped gently around his throat, and he used that to push Riah onto his back.

Riah fell back with his knees still bent under him. He felt as Buck pulled his legs out. Buck quickly worked at the tie on Riah's joggers to get them off.

Buck yanked them down his thighs and then off completely. He tossed them to the side. Buck's eyes locked on the tattoos that littered Riah's thighs. He then pulled him up once more to remove the shirt Riah still had on. He tossed it to the side.

Buck smiled. "You look so sexy like this. All sprawled out so eager for me. I want to lick your tattoos and trace them."

Riah sat up, and he pulled at Buck's shirt. "Please, I need to see all of you."

Buck stood back and undressed for him. He watched as Buck took his shirt off, and that body came into view. Then Buck undid his belt and jeans. He took them off and tossed them to the side. "Better?" Buck asked.

He nodded. He slipped to his knees and crawled to Buck. His hand slipped over his stomach to his chest. He traced the tattoo right under his breast. "Fuck, you are so hot."

Buck smiled as he watched him. "Are we really just doing blow jobs tonight?" Buck asked.

Riah could tell that Buck wanted to take him apart. He could tell in those simple words that Buck had been thinking about this for hours. "Do you want more?" Riah asked.

Buck ran his hand down to connect with Riah's on his chest. "I do. I've been thinking about last time. I was nervous to let myself go, but now? It's all I can think about."

He bit his lower lip as he listened to Buck. There was something so powerful about knowing that. He nodded his head. "Then I'm yours, baby."

Buck smiled. Their lips met in another hungry kiss. Riah could tell the kisses had changed since their first. Buck seemed to push harder, to want control. To press his thigh against him and tease Riah as Buck's tongue pushed into Riah's mouth.

Riah's fingers ran up slightly, then Buck flipped him onto his stomach.

"Lube?" Buck asked.

Riah pointed to the drawer. "I have condoms there too."

Buck found the lube and a condom. He then turned to Riah. "You have a lot of toys."

Riah felt shy all of a sudden. "Um, yeah.. I kinda have a high sex drive."

Buck smirked at that. He nodded and got on the bed again. "Ass up for me, baby boy."

Riah sat up on his knees with his face down on the bed.

Buck slipped up behind him. Buck popped the cap, and Riah could hear the squirt into his hand.

A few moments later, Buck spread Riah with one hand, and with the other, he swiped warmed lube against his puckered hole.

Riah breathed out as he rubbed slow circles before he pushed the first finger inside him.

Buck squeezed Riah's hip a little. "You want another?" Buck asked.

Riah nodded his head. "P-please, Buck."

Buck pushed a second finger into Riah. He worked it in slowly before he added a third.

Buck quickly worked his fingers into Riah, curving them to press against Riah's prostate. "Oh Fuck. Fuck."

He whined as he pressed against that intrusion. He wanted more of Buck. He needed it. He was desperate for Buck.

Buck withdrew his fingers, and Riah swore he never felt so empty in his life.

Riah could hear the sound of a condom unroll behind him. He looked back at him. "Fuck, you are so hot," Riah told him.

Buck smiled at him. "Hopefully you still think that after," Buck teased.

Riah nodded.

Buck slowly pressed closer to him until he pressed against his rim.

Riah pressed back. "You're fine. There's enough lube," he told Buck.

Buck pushed in until he almost bottomed out. Riah stretched impossibly tight around him. "Wow. You weren't kidding."

Riah nodded quickly. "I kinda… use toys a lot."

Buck rolled his hips into Riah's ass. The sound of flesh slapping filled the room. Riah gripped the headboard as Buck found that rough pace he was eager for. Buck pulled Riah to sit up more against his chest as he pounded into him. "Oh fuck, you feel so good around me, baby boy. So good. So tight."

Riah groaned as his head fell back against Buck's shoulder. He whimpered slightly as they worked together.

Buck reached around and gripped Riah's cock. He stroked it with his thrusts, and Riah moaned loudly. He was surprised by Buck completely and so turned on.

Buck angled into Riah to hit that spot repeatedly. Buck gasped. "Riah, are you close? I'm about to feel this condom."

Riah gasped as he shuddered. "Mm, so close, please."

A few more hard thrusts, and Riah covered Buck's hand and his own chest in cum. He could feel the condom expand as Buck released into it. He hated that feeling, but he knew they should be safe just in case. They hadn't had that talk about testing or anything.

Riah fell forward onto the bed with a groan. Buck laid against him. "Okay, I've never been with someone with such a huge dick," Riah told Buck.

Buck chuckled and pulled out of him slowly. "Let me take care of this real quick." Buck left Riah sprawled on the bed.

A few minutes later, he returned with a wet rag. Riah laid on his back and looked up at him. "Hi."

Buck smiled and cleaned off his stomach. "Hi yourself."

Buck tossed the cloth into the hamper in the room before he crawled up next to him. He pulled Riah into a cuddle. "Okay, so that was much better than a blow job." He teased.

Riah nodded. "So much."

Buck pulled him closer. He let himself relax against that big bicep that curled around him. "I gotta leave early.. if you want me to stay," Buck whispered.

He nodded. "You can stay as long as you want."

The two fell asleep in each other's arms. Riah woke to a note next to his head from Buck.

Had to head out. I had a lovely time. Can't wait to take you on another date. -Buck

Riah got up and went to shower. He knew that he would think about that night a lot over the next few days.

-Week 10-

-Friday-

Over the next week, Buck and Riah couldn't get their schedules to line up. Finally, they were able to agree. Friday felt like the longest day ever. He could finally sink his teeth back into the world of Evan Buckley. He couldn't wait for the date that night.

Buck:

I'll be there at 5. Wear something you can get wet in.

Riah:

how wet are we talking?

Buck:

It's a surprise!

Riah:

okay very sus.

Buck:

I promise you will be okay.

Riah:

see you at 5.

Riah always got off early on Fridays thanks to his longer days during the week. He had been home exactly 2 hours before Buck knocked on his door.

He had on a cut-off shirt that showed off the lower part of his stomach and briefs on. He opened the door. "Okay, wet does not tell me bottoms. I am stressed."

Buck walked into the house with a chuckle. Buck followed Riah back to his room, where three bottoms sat on the bed.

Buck looked over them. "Okay, not the shorts. It might get colder later."

Riah put the shorts on the chair. "Okay, so you said wet. Jeans, I don't mind getting wet. Then these jogger kind of cargo pants fit with this shirt?"

Buck picked up the joggers. "These you can roll up."

Riah smiled and took them from him. He looked up into those blue eyes. Buck slipped his arms around him and let his hands linger on Riah's fat ass. He cupped it, and Riah whined. "Distractions."

Buck kissed Riah once before he let go. He slowly backed out of the room to let him finish.

Riah pulled on the joggers and then put on his Converse. "Rings or no rings?" He asked as he peered his head around the side to see Buck.

Buck hummed. "Rings. I like them on you."

He slipped back into his bedroom and went to find his rings. He slipped them on and grabbed his light black jacket and slipped it on. He walked out to Buck. "Is this good?"

Buck smiled as he walked over to him. "I'd smash."

Riah rolled his eyes. "God, you are such a millennial."

Buck gasped. "I forgot you are a Z. I gotta up my slang game."

He smiled and held his hand out. Buck took it, and they walked out. Riah locked his door.

The two walked to the jeep, and Riah smiled. "How many vehicles do you have?" He teased.

Buck smiled. "Just the two. I usually take this one everywhere, but she was getting some work done." Buck opened the door for Riah.

Riah let his hand go and climbed in. He liked the jeep; it was cozy.

He's so fucking hot.

Buck started to drive. He placed his hand on Riah's thigh.

For the first time that evening, Riah looked at Buck. Buck had on a fitted t-shirt with a jacket over it. He had on some loose jeans that he could roll up the legs of.

Riah sat forward and found the playlist Buck had made with music Riah liked. He paused as he saw another playlist name below it.

'I'm not ready'

"What's this playlist? I'm not ready?" He asked.

Buck shrugged. "Just something silly I made."

Riah pressed play on the playlist Buck made for him. "Well, when you are ready, I'll listen." He placed his hand over Buck's on his thigh.

Buck smiled as he drove. "I appreciate that. More than you know."

The drive through Los Angeles took a bit, but they ended up at the beach before sunset. "This is a change of venue," he told Buck.

Buck opened Riah's door, and he got out .Riah smiled as he saw a basket in his hand and a blanket draped over it. "I wanted to do something nice for you. It's been a whole week since we saw each other, and I didn't want you to think I was ghosting you after sex."

Riah laughed. "We are casual, right?"

Buck smiled as they walked down towards the beach. The two of them found an area on the more deserted beach.

Buck handed the basket to him. He held it as Buck laid the blanket on the sand. Riah set the basket to one side. Buck looked at him.

Riah walked over to Buck and looked up at him. "Yes?" Buck asked.

Riah reached up and wrapped his hand around the back of his neck. He dragged his face down and kissed him gently.

Buck smiled against his lips before he pulled away. "Mm, okay, baby boy. Can't get enough of that."

Riah nodded. "Me either. I am glad you are here."

The two sat, they faced the water, and ate sandwiches and fruit together. Their legs touched. Buck had an arm around Riah's waist, and he leaned into Buck's side.

"You know this is kinda romantic."

Buck laughed. "I know. I just wanted to do something nice for you."

"I'm not complaining. Just a little surprised?" He looked over at Buck.

Buck smiled at him. "Didn't think I could surprise you?" Buck asked.

Riah smiled as he looked at him. "I.. I didn't think I was worthy of that kinda surprise. I'm sorry, that sounds so bad."

Buck movements were calculated, and Riah could tell that. "Riah?" Buck started.

He looked out at the sunset. "Please don't think you know something."

I let that man control the narrative. Buck isn't him.

Buck hesitated before he pulled Riah into his lap. "I never said I did," he whispered. Buck's arms wrapped around his stomach as he pulled his back to his chest. "But I am worried about you. Why do you think you aren't worthy of a surprise?" Buck asked.

Riah didn't let him feel the shakiness in his breathing. He didn't let Buck feel the weakness of letting him in too much, too fast. "I guess I just always thought that way."

Lie.

Buck's lips find that spot where there is a tattoo on Riah's neck. His lips pressed against that spot. "Your ex?"

Riah nodded.

Don't cry. Don't show how weak you are about getting close.

There was something about them both being broken, but scared to tell the other.

Riah placed his hands over Buck's on his stomach. "He wasn't a great person, and I know I am overly confident sometimes with you, but other times, there is a stark reminder that I was once with someone who made me feel unworthy of love."

Buck nodded against him. "My first boyfriend was complex. He was older and proudly out. He sometimes would say things that made me think being into men and women was wrong."

Riah listened. "There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, I wouldn't date a woman, but I wouldn't tell someone being bisexual or queer is wrong either," Riah turned his head to glance up at Buck.

Buck smiled. "I know you think I don't understand, but I stumble into relationships before I understand what I have. I think that's why I am cautious with you."

Riah nodded. "And that you are sad."

Buck laughed softly. "And that I am sad."

He looked at the sunset. "That is beautiful."

Buck kissed his shoulder a few times. "You are too."

The warmth spread through his belly at those words. The butterflies flew up, and he felt every nerve ending engulfed in the warmth that was Buck. Buck had this calm aura around him when it came to his presence in Riah's life.

For some reason, Riah could still feel that edge around Buck's mood. He told him about an ex, but he was sure that it wasn't about that ex. There was more to Buck. When he was ready, he would finally tell him. He was almost sure about that.

What is he hiding?

There was something about the way Buck's fingers would dip down against his hips. The way he would meld into the way that Buck would touch him. "Buck, you are still sad. Is it more than the ex?" He asked finally.

Buck pressed his head to Riah's shoulder. "I can't distract you with my fingers in your pants?" Buck joked.

Riah sighed. "I mean, I get it if you can't tell me everything, you barely know me, even if you've been inside me."

Buck laughed. "Up."

Riah got up and waited for Buck. The two of them took their shoes off and rolled their pants up to almost their knees.

Buck took Riah's hand, and they walked along the beach in the wet sand. The sand between their toes didn't bother Riah like he thought it would.

Buck squeezed his hand. "It's been a bit, and it's still not really easy to talk about Bobby for me. I pulled away from my best friend and most of my friends. I came here to try and get away from it."

Riah nodded. "Bobby?" He asked.

Buck nodded and sighed. "Bobby was more of a father to me than my own father has ever been. He was my Captain at my old firehouse. I met him when I was still finding myself. He helped raise me into this version of myself."

Riah could feel Buck hesitate a bit. "So he… died?" Riah asked.

Buck sighed and pulled their hands up to swipe a tear away. "He died. He told me they would need me and —" Buck gasped.

Riah pulled him to a stop. He wrapped his arms around Buck, and Buck buried his head into his shoulder. "Baby… I am so sorry. It's never easy losing someone who means that much."

Buck's whole body shook against Riah. He could feel tears drop off the taller male against his curly hair. He sighed. "I tried so hard to get to him. He said I would be okay, and I just left them all because I couldn't stand to lose another person again. I thought coming here would change everything. Being without them has been hard, too."

Riah nodded. "But it got harder?"

Buck looked at Riah finally. Blue eyes were puffy and red. Riah reached up and wiped under his eyes. "It got harder. I can't even talk to Eddie."

Eddie?

Riah looked up. "Eddie is the ex?" He asked.

Buck shook his head. "No, Eddie is my best friend."

Oh.

Riah tilted his head. "Why can't you talk to your best friend?" He asked.

Buck's face changed. Riah knew in that moment that he had asked the wrong question or that he had told Riah too much.

"Because— I'm not ready to talk about that yet," Buck admitted.

Riah nodded. "That's totally fine. When you are ready, you tell me and I will listen, okay?" He reassured Buck.

Buck leaned down and kissed Riah. He swooped his hands under his thighs and pulled him into his arms.

Riah's legs wrapped around Buck's waist as they kissed. Their tongues pressed together. Riah knew that Buck needed to feel close to him. He was sure it had something to do with the guy's name he let slip.

Eddie.

Buck and Riah pulled back after a moment. "Mm, let's go back to the jeep," Buck whispered huskily.

Riah chuckled. "Let's go pack up the date."

The two walked back the distance to the blanket and basket. They gathered things, and they pulled their socks and shoes on.

About fifteen minutes later, the two were back at the jeep. Buck put the basket in the back, and he climbed into the back and made grabby hands for Riah.

He easily climbed in and closed the door behind himself. He straddled Buck's waist and looked down into his eyes. "Are we back to being naughty?" He asked.

Buck pressed up against his ass. "Maybe I like dry humping with you."

Riah laughed. "You are like a teen. I have a high sex drive, but you? Well, you like being soaked in your cum don't you?"Riah asked huskily.

Buck blushed and then smiled as he kissed him. The two of them pressed their hips together for a moment before Riah sat up so he was against Buck's stomach with his ass on his bulge. The two of them grind their hips as their tongues work against each other.

They pulled back after a few, and then Buck moved Riah a bit more. Riah's thigh slipped between his legs, and he felt Buck's thigh against his bulge.

"Oh fuck," he moaned against Buck's shoulder. Their hips grind together as the two ground their covered cocks into each other's thighs.

Buck moved so he sat up more for Riah. The way his hips pressed down against that thigh was like everything in his mind malfunctioned. All he wanted was to chase that relief for his leaky cock. Buck's thigh was so thick and pressed perfectly between Riah's legs.

The hardness in Riah's pants was so tight now. He tilted his head back as Buck rocked his hips up into Riah. The guilty pleasure of the thigh's pressure against their cocks drove them crazy,

"Ri.." Buck muttered.

He nodded. "Me too."

The two of them rolled their hips together quickly and with purpose. Before long, both of them had made a mess in their pants. Buck's release created a wet spot on his jeans.

Riah sat back on his knees and looked at him. "Holy hell."

Buck laughed. "Mmm, yeah, okay, I loved the other night with you, but that was fun and intoxicating, right?" He asked.

Riah nodded quickly. "I haven't done that since I was a teen."

Buck nodded. "I would say the same, but I just dry humped you on our second date. This is our fourth."

Riah laughed. "Oh yeah, you did. The night you gave me that amazing blow job."

Buck nodded. Buck reached into his gym bag and took a towel out. He slipped his pants down just enough to wipe himself up a little so he could drive.

Riah smiled. "Not staying tonight, I guess?" He asked.

Buck shook his head. "I'm sorry. I got an early shift tomorrow, and I don't want to wake you like last time."

Riah nodded. "No, that's completely fine. Maybe you can come by before I leave Sunday?" He asked.

Buck nodded. "I'll do one better. I'll drive you to LAX."

Riah gasped. "That sounds like a commitment, Buck," he teased.

Buck kissed his nose. "Maybe you are worth it."

Riah felt his stomach flutter again. "Maybe."

The two of them climbed into the front. Riah got comfortable, and he watched as Buck turned the jeep on. The music started again.

About ten minutes into their drive, that name came up on the screen.

New text from Eddie.

Riah pretended like he didn't see it. He also pretended like he didn't see the way Buck gulped at the alert, reading the text message alert coming in.

The rest of the drive was quiet. Riah pretended like he wasn't curious about Eddie, and Buck pretended like he didn't need to tell Riah anything important.

Buck walked Riah to the door. "Tonight was so good. I'm sorry that I wasn't really open as I could be, but I just need a little time."

Riah nodded, and he leaned up. He kissed Buck softly. He wouldn't let him know that part bothered him a bit. He would figure out more when time let him.

Once at home, Riah did what any sane person would do. Their boyfriend was kinda hiding something, so he wanted to find out what.

Riah went through Buck's followers. He looked at a few and then he found Eddie. "Well, he's hot, so I could see why Buck has complicated feelings if that is what is wrong."

He then went through and found a few articles on Google.

Edmundo Diaz Awarded Silver Star for Heroic Efforts during Ambush.

Edmundo Diaz, Thomas Kinard, Evan Buckley, Henrietta Wilson, and Howard Han Awarded…

Riah rubbed the back of his neck a little. He started to think about things. He then saw a link to a video Firefighter from 118 buried alive. He clicked on the link.

Riah watched a recording of Buck. He looked upset from the distance of the video. He dug with his hands after a hole looked to be filled with dirt. Then it cut to the end, and someone in orange collapsed against Buck. Buck held him by the arm. Two firefighters helped the person in orange towards an ambulance.

He closed his laptop. "I feel like I shouldn't have searched that. Maybe the distraction he needs is from Eddie?" He thought out loud to himself.

Riah went to clean up. He couldn't think about Buck and Eddie right now. If and when Buck was ready, he would let him in.

-Week 11-

-Sunday-

Riah packed all day Saturday for his trip after he did the laundry. He wanted to make sure that he had everything ready to go when Buck took him to the airport.

The one thing that Riah wasn't expecting was for Buck to come over early. He stood at his door at 2:00 with an iced coffee for Riah.

Riah had on joggers and a crop top. He smiled and let him in. "Well, this is a surprise," he told Buck.

Buck smiled and handed the coffee to him. Riah took a sip. "I came early so we could get some time before I take you tonight. Did I overstep?" Buck asked.

He shook his head. "You are more than welcome to come over whenever, babe."

Buck smiled. "Good."

Riah walked back to the bedroom with Buck. He had clothes folded on the bed. "Sorry, I was repacking my bag for the tenth time."

Buck nodded. "It's fine. Do you need help deciding on something?" Buck asked.

Riah shook his head.

Buck took a seat on the bed. "I had a motive to come over early."

Riah had a pair of pants in his hands as he placed them into the suitcase. "What kind of motive?" He asked.

Buck grabbed Riah and pulled him to stand between his legs. "I felt guilty about the other day," Buck told him.

Riah looked confused. "We both got off?"

Buck laughed. "No, not that part."

He cupped his face. "No, I wasn't upset about that. I get that you are going through things that are hard. You don't have to share that until you are ready."

Buck placed his hands on Riah's waist. "I think I might be ready."

Riah pushed him back on the bed. He sat on his lap and looked down at him. "Are you sure?" He asked.

Buck looked at him. "I am."

He smiled as he leaned down and hugged him.

Buck wrapped his arms around him and held him close. The two cuddled against each other. "I've been friends with Eddie for 7 years. It's been messy and not easy. Sometimes we get annoyed at each other's partners, but recently something changed. I had feelings for him."

Riah nodded. "Had? As in not anymore?" He asked.

Buck laid back. "I am not sure. Eddie did something, and I kinda freaked out about it."

Oh.

He sat up and looked down at him. "What did he do?"

Buck looked up. "He gave me a hickey when I was sleeping and then joked about me grinding against him."

Riah looked at him. "Did you?"

Buck sighed. "I don't think I did, but I'm not sure. We were drunk and fell asleep."

He looked at Buck. "Okay, so what made you freak out?"

Buck looked at him. "Well… as far as I know, he's straight."

Riah gasped. "Wait, a straight guy did that?"

Buck looked up at Riah. "It feels like one major head game, and it's whatever."

Riah didn't respond. He sat back on his legs a bit and thought for a moment.

Buck looked at him. "What?"

He sighed. "Have you ever told him how that made you feel?" He asked.

Buck pulled Riah back down against his chest. His finger ran through Riah's curls as they lay together again. "Not exactly?"

He glanced up. "What have you said?"

Buck sighed. "We got into a fight because of it."

He nodded. "Because you told him or because you didn't listen."

Buck gasped. "Betrayed by my own boyfriend."

Riah looked up at him. "Betrayed?"

Buck realized what he said, and Riah saw it on his face. "I mean, we are casual. That was a slip."

He shrugged. "I mean, we can be casual and you can still call me that, if you want?"

Buck smiled up at him. "Yeah?"

Riah nodded his head. "Yeah."

Buck pulled Riah's face up, and they kissed gently. They laid there together for a little longer before Riah pulled himself up.

Buck tried to pull him back. "Baby, come back."

Riah laughed. "I have to finish packing this bag, then I can cuddle with you for an hour."

Buck pouted. "Okay, fine."

Riah got back to his suitcase. He folded the clothes and set them inside. He then went to grab his toiletries.

Riah had the little travel case on the counter and filled it with what he needed. He set it inside the case and zipped it. He walked back towards the room.

Buck sat up against the headboard as Riah returned to the room. "You gotta leave me for almost a whole week. How are we going to survive?" Buck teased.

Riah smiled and put the case into his suitcase before he zipped it. "You think that is going to be hard?" He asked.

Buck nodded. He made grabby hands at Riah.

He crawled up the bed and sat on his lap.

Buck's hands wrapped around his waist. "This is not making it any easier. You are the perfect lap size."

Riah laughed. He poked Buck's nose with his pointer finger. "Yeah?"

Buck scrunched his nose and nodded. "Oh yes. I like it when you take your seat like you deserve."

The blush covered Riah's cheeks and went up his neck a bit. "I deserve to be in your lap?"

Buck nodded and slipped his hands into the back of his pants. "I hope you think you do, because I like you there. A lot."

Riah watched as Buck's birthmark grew brighter red to match the blush he tried to hide. "Your birthmark changes when you blush."

Buck sat up, and he carefully flipped them so Riah was on his back. Riah looked up at Buck. "How much time until you have to be at the airport?" Buck asked.

Riah looked at his watch and then up at Buck. "We have an hour."

Buck smiled. "Good, just enough time."

Riah laughed. "You are so horny."

Buck gasped. "You are just hot."

Riah ran his fingers up under Buck's shirt and pulled it up. Buck sat back and pulled it off for Riah. Riah ran his hand over his stomach and up to cup his chest. "Theses are so hot."

Buck chuckled, and he pulled at Riah's joggers. "Will you kill me if you are sore on the flight?" He asked.

Riah looked up. "A good reminder of what's waiting on me when I return, no?" He asked.

Buck tugged his briefs and joggers down. He tossed them on the floor. He returned to the drawer. He found the lube and a condom.

Buck squirted lube into his hand and warmed it on his fingers. He slowly slipped the first into Riah.

Riah gasped as he looked into his eyes. "Buck, fuck you are so eager today."

Buck nodded his head. He pushed the finger in until he felt the resistance. He worked it slowly in and out of Riah to stretch him. "You just look so good spread out on this bed," he teased.

Riah smiled up at him. "For you."

Buck added a second finger. He worked them slowly, and Riah moaned as he hit his prostate when he curved them. He pulled them out and added a third. He pumped them in and out of Riah.

Riah's mouth parted as his boyfriend slowly took him apart finger by finger to prepare him for Buck's cock. "Please," he begged Buck.

Buck pulled his fingers out. He slowly stroked himself as he did. Riah watched with big eyes. He then saw him open the condom and slip it on. He used some lube against the condom and Riah's rim.

Buck slowly pushed between his legs and into Riah. Buck looked down at him as he did. "You are doing so good for me, baby boy."

Riah nodded. He breathed out slowly through that stretch from his boyfriend. "God, you are so big," he muttered.

Buck chuckled and slowly rolled his hips against him. "Yeah? Too big?"

Riah shook his head. "More, please, more."

He could tell Buck loved it when he begged like that. He made a mental note of that. He wrapped his legs around Buck as he started to bottom out. His hands gripped Buck's back as he worked into him.

The two kissed deeply as their hips worked together. Both of them needed this even if they didn't know it until that very moment.

It didn't take long for Riah to get close. He stroked himself as Buck pounded into him. He released on his chest as Buck released into that condom. They rode out their orgasms together.

Buck slowly pulled out, and he kissed Riah once more. He then leaned down and licked up Riah's stomach and chest to clean him. Riah watched with big eyes. "Holy shit, that is hot."

Buck smirked and pulled his mouth away. "You taste good, too."

Riah laughed. "That was insane, and I loved it. I never.. had someone clean me with their tongue before."

Buck leaned down and took Riah between his lips and cleaned up his cock, too. Riah gasped. "Fuck, babe."

Riah was so sensitive after he came, but Buck wanted to prolong their time before he left. He could tell that by how Buck worked his mouth and tongue over his cock.

Buck enjoyed the way he tasted because he groaned around Riah's cock.

Fingers knotted into Buck's curls as Riah rolled his hips into the hot heat of Buck's throat. He was hard already. He knew he shouldn't be this easy to excite, yet Buck was different.

Riah rolled his hips. "Buck… you are going to make me cum again if you don't stop."

Buck chuckled around him and pulled off. "Maybe that's my plan. Make you so overstimulated."

Riah gasped. Buck slipped his head back down, he took Riah down his throat once more, and worked his cock. It didn't take too long, and Riah gripped his head tightly as he started to shoot ropes of cum down his throat this time.

Buck pulled off and swallowed, satisfied with making Riah release twice before the hour was up.

Riah laid there. He panted a little as he looked at his cumslut of a boyfriend. "You are freaky. I knew it."

Buck smiled and handed him his clothes. He got dressed, and Buck did too.

The two got ready and were out the door in no time.

Thirty minutes later, they stood outside the LAX terminal and hugged. "I'll be back before you know it," Riah promised.

Buck nodded. "I know. I'm just gonna miss you. We can text and FaceTime when you have time."

The two kissed deeply before Riah turned and went inside.

Buck left.

Later that night, Riah sat in his hotel room. He opened the group chat.

-Austin PT Losers-

Jesse:

Miami I'm in you!

Riah:

ew

Lenz:

Double ew.

Kenny:

Ri! Ri!

Riah:

trouble trouble.

Kenny:

Shut up. Come out with ussss!

Riah felt that pit in his stomach. Riah picked up his phone and opened the thread with Buck. He sent him a quick text.

Riah:

it's humid already. just got to the hotel 15 mins ago. you would love this place.

Buck:

It's Florida. You want me in your bed already? ;)

Riah:

when don't i? you are so warm.

Buck:

Fair. Did you check your suitcase?

Riah:

why?

Buck:

Just check it.

Riah ran to his suitcase and flung it open. He pulled out the way-too-big hoodie for his small frame and slipped it on. He smelled it. He could smell the mix of sandalwood and vanilla that Buck always smelled like.

Riah:

r u kidding? don't u need this for work?

Buck:

I have more.

Riah smiled before he opened the text again.

-Austin PT Losers-

Riah:

okay. which bar?

Jesse:

Yesssss party Riah in the house!

Lenz:

Hotel bar?

Kenny:

Meet us there in 20.

Riah:

cya then!

Riah opened the thread with Buck and sent a quick selfie in the large hoodie. LAFD is written on one side.

Riah:

this means we are going steady now?

Buck:

HAHA. Yes.

Riah:

so down. gotta get ready.

Buck:

Isn't it like 11 there?

Riah:

going out with some friends from my old job. but I'll call you tomorrow?

Buck:

Have fun! Call me tomorrow when you get back. 😘

Riah got changed and went out with a few friends from his old practice in Austin. They went out and had a few drinks.

He stuck close to Lenz while the guys talked about random things about Austin. He knew that this was going to be one long week without Buck.

Later that night, he went back to his hotel room. He pulled out the hoodie that Buck gave him before he left. He slipped it on and curled up in the bed.

The night before, Riah had drinks with friends. He mostly hung with Lenz, and they went to the same events at the conference. She stayed by his side as he gave his presentation on traumatic brain injuries and recoveries.

Later that night, the four of them went to another dinner. Kenny, of course, was his usual self.

The thing about Kenny and Riah they had a complicated past. He pulled Riah to the side when the other two grabbed another round.

Kenny placed his hand on Riah's hip. "You look good. California suits you," Kenny said. Kenny leaned in way too close for Riah's comfort.

Riah looked up at him with annoyance. "You can't just show up at an event and think I will run back to you, Kens."

Kenny smiled at the old nickname from him. "I never thought that, Ri."

Riah looked at Lenz, who moved back towards them from the bar. She narrowed her eyes as she got closer to them. "No, you just thought you could put your hands on me and I'd run back to you like you weren't the worst thing that ever happened to me. Well, news flash, I look this good because my boyfriend takes care of me."

Lenz walked over, and she looked at Jesse. "Babe, can you take Kenny for a walk, please?" she asked her boyfriend.

Jesse nodded and took Kenny away from Riah.

Lenz sat Riah at the table and pushed the wine to him. "Are you okay, love?" She asked.

Riah sighed. "He gets under my skin so much. I just started seeing this amazing man in L.A. I can't just let him get under my skin. Buck and I are casual, but committed I think?" He knew he sounded confused.

Lenz nodded. "Do you wanna get out of here? Jesse and I can close the tab and everything. Maybe go call that amazing man of yours?" She suggested.

Riah nodded. He stood up and hugged her. "Thank you for the rescue. I owe you."

She laughed. "Nonsense. You are my best friend. I'd do anything for you."

Riah kissed her cheek before he got up. He went towards the elevators. He slipped in one before Kenny could catch up to him.

He used the elevator and texted Buck as it went up.

Riah:

hey. u around?

Buck:

I was just thinking about you.

Riah:

i need to talk. wanna facetime?

Buck:

Oh is everything okay? I can FaceTime.

Riah:

call u when I'm settled.

It was Monday evening and he missed Buck already. He sat on the bed and set the MacBook on his lap. He pressed Buck's contact and hit FaceTime video.

It didn't take long, and Buck popped up on the screen. Riah had changed into the hoodie and had his briefs on under it.

"You look good in my hoodie," Buck told him. Buck didn't have a shirt on, but he was obviously in his bed at home.

"You look good without a shirt."

Buck laughed. "You look stressed?"

He bit on his lower lip. He hated that he felt like he had done something wrong again. He knew he didn't. "Just ran into someone who I didn't expect to be here."

Buck sat up to show his attention to Riah. "Who?" Buck asked.

He ran his fingers through the ends of his curls as he looked at the screen. "My ex. I guess he finished his PT license, and now he's here for the conference with my old work friends."

Buck nodded as he tried to maintain his face. Riah could sense he didn't know how to react to the information. "And he tried to come on to me. I shot him down."

Buck breathed out finally. "Okay, did he hurt you?" Buck asked, alarmed.

Riah shook his head. "No, just made me miss you so much more."

Buck chuckled and smiled at that. "Oh?" He rubbed his lower lip as he sat forward. "You should have told him my boyfriend fucked me good before I came here."

He blushed at Buck's words. "Oh god, Buck."

Buck smirked. "Sorry. I swear I wasn't marking my territory or anything. Just could have been funny."

He smiled at him. "I'm still sore by the way."

Buck grinned. "Oh? Every time you sit on a hard chair, do you get a little ache?"

Riah sighed. "You are evil."

Buck smiled. "But you like my evil side, don't you, baby boy?"

He bit his lower lip and looked at him. "Hmm. You know I do."

Buck sighed. "I wanna stay up later, but I gotta be up kinda early tomorrow. I promised a friend we could work out before work, and it's near my old station."

Riah nodded. "All good. Have a good night. I miss you."

Buck smiled. "Get some rest. Also, tell your ex that your boyfriend is a firefighter; maybe he will back off."

Riah laughed. "Yes, of course. Night, Buck."

Buck smiled. "Night, baby boy."

They ended the call, and Riah curled up on his side. He hugged the hoodie close as he fell asleep.

Over the next three days, Riah was able to avoid Kenny. Lenz and he would eat without the others. They would go do their own thing and leave them to it.

When Thursday came around, he drove to the airport in his rental. He was excited to get home. Buck had to work when he got home, so he would see him on Friday instead.

Thursday, he got home and pretty much collapsed into bed. He fell asleep with his jeans and hoodie on. He didn't mean to, but the jet lag and lack of sleep caught up to him.

Friday, he had off from work. He needed to recover after the past week. It had been intense with the conference, Kenny, and missing Buck.

He didn't understand how one person became a constant, but then he remembered. He didn't have any friends in Hawthorne yet. He had barely met Buck because of an accident at work with a patient.

He got up from his bed around 4 and went to shower. He cleaned himself up and made sure he prepped for that night just in case Buck wanted to have sex.

Part of Riah wondered if Buck just wanted sex and not the other parts of the relationship, but Buck wanted to go out to dinner that night. He figured he read too much into it. He knew he was on edge because Kenny always made him like that.

When Buck knocked around 6, Riah had on a t-shirt, slacks, with an open leather jacket. He had boots on, too. He smiled as he opened the door to his boyfriend.

Buck pulled him into a hug. "Mm, I missed you so much. I'm sorry I couldn't come by yesterday. I switched shifts with someone from another shift to have today off instead."

Riah smiled. "It's okay. I crashed for like 12 hours." He joked.

Buck watched him. "Are you sure you want to go out?" Buck asked as he stepped back.

Riah nodded. "You wanted me to meet your friends?" He asked.

Buck nodded. "We can reschedule if you want to."

Riah shook his head. "No, of course not. I want to learn more about your family and friends."

Buck smiled and walked out with Riah. Riah pocketed his phone, wallet, and locked his house.

The two went out to the jeep.

Riah knew tonight was important to Buck. He was invited to hang out with some friends from Buck's old life. He knew that Buck tried to reconnect with some of them, but the one person who had been missing from that night was Eddie.

He met Ravi, who was Buck's old partner before he switched stations. He also learned that they worked out together a lot. Ravi also mentioned he couldn't bring his date tonight.

He met Chimney Han and Maddie Han. Riah learned that Maddie was Buck's older sister and Chimney was the interim Captain at the old station. He got lost a little bit.

Then he met Ashley and Jay. Ashley and Buck had this secret language that he didn't really understand, but neither did Jay. Riah and Jay talked about random things off to the side. If Buck and Riah weren't together, he was pretty sure Jay would have gotten his number.

When the night ended, Buck and Riah ended back at Riah's again. Part of Riah was curious as to why they never went to Buck's, but he was sure it was because he still didn't know if they were at that place.

Buck and Riah curled up in barely any clothes. They had the TV on in the bedroom and were watching something else. Riah leaned back against the arm around his waist.

Buck kissed his shoulder. "Did you have fun tonight?" Buck asked.

Riah nodded. "It was a lot to understand. I had fun, though. I really liked Ravi and Jay; they seemed pretty cool and funny."

Buck nodded. "Jay can be crazy at times, but Ravi is a jokester a lot. I mentored him a bit when he first started. At least I say I did. Ravi says I tormented him into friendship."

Riah laughed. "Why did you torment him?"

Buck gasped. "I just wanted him to learn how to be as good as me. Not my fault if he took it as torment."

Riah laughed. "Oh, I am so sure."

Buck's phone rang, and he pulled away. Riah heard him sigh and then hit ignore.

The two laid back together. Riah turned the TV off once the show was over. They tangled their legs together and fell asleep together. They were both content in that moment.

-Week 12-

Sunday, Buck had to work. Riah took that time to do his own thing. He did laundry, he cleaned the house, and he planned a movie date night for the following day.

Riah went to Best Buy and bought a mini projector so they could set up the extra room for a movie. He got home, and he set up everything. He was so excited for the day with Buck the following day.

Monday after work, Riah ran to the store and picked up all the necessities for a movie night with his boyfriend. He got different candy, popcorn, and even some beer.

When he got home, he set everything up and changed into his shorts and a big t-shirt. He heard Buck at the door right at 7. He smiled and opened the door.

"Oooh, I can smell the food. Is that the vegan place you wanted to try?" Riah asked.

Buck nodded. "Yeah, I got us like four different things to try."

Riah walked towards the kitchen and then felt Buck grab him. "Let me."

Riah laughed and went and sat at the table. Buck rummaged and found what they needed and came back. He set a beer down for Riah and then one for himself.

Buck smiled at Riah and then opened the containers.

Riah took a plate from Buck and sat back. He picked up his fork and began to eat.

The two talked about work and what they wanted to watch. Riah had gotten three movies, unsure of which to watch.

Once dinner was done, the two went into the spare room. Riah had pillows on the floor for them to sit on and had the projector set up on a little end table. He sat on his knees, and he put the movie in.

About 40 minutes into the movie, Buck had to take a call. He stepped outside, and Riah felt something odd.

For the first time, he felt like he did with Kenny. He wasn't sure why, but maybe Buck lied to himself about something?

He went and made popcorn and got some candy. When Buck walked back in, he smiled. "Sorry. That was Chris. He had a bad day with his Dad and wanted to talk to me."

Riah looked at him. "Oh, Eddie's kid?" He asked.

Buck nodded. "Yeah, he's important to me. So I make sure to answer when he calls so he knows I didn't abandon him, even if his father and I are not talking."

The rest of the night was spent in front of the projector. Buck didn't stay the night. He went home, and Riah still felt like something was wrong, but he chalked it up to him being paranoid from his encounter with Kenny last week.

-Saturday night, 10:45 PM-

Buck and Riah had been busy all week. Their schedules just couldn't match up. Riah knew they would have days like this. They would most likely figure it out soon.

Then Saturday night, Riah had just gotten into bed. He figured Buck had gotten busy with his sister.

Buck:

You want company tonight?

Riah:

sure, it's late how long until u'll be here?

Buck:

30 minutes, see you soon.

Riah heard the knock exactly 30 minutes later. He opened the door, and Buck stepped inside. He shut the door and locked it. He picked up Riah and slammed him against the door roughly.

Riah felt his lips on his neck. He would bite on his pulse point as he held him there. "Umm? Hi Buck?" He mumbled.

Buck nodded against him. "Mmm, rough night. Sorry. Just need you."

Riah nodded. Part of him felt a little dirty in that moment, but he wanted to help Buck forget whatever happened.

Buck attacked his neck with bites and marks. Riah rutted his hips against Buck's stomach. "Oh! Fuck, please, baby."

Buck smirked and pulled back. He carried Riah through the house and tossed him on the bed. He took his shirt off before he leaned over Riah.

Riah wrapped his legs around Buck's legs and pulled Buck towards him.

Buck fell against Riah. He used his hands to stop himself from crushing Riah under his weight. Riah smiled up at him before they kissed roughly.

The two of them kissed hungrily; it was all teeth, tongue, and hands everywhere.

Buck tugged off Riah's briefs under the hoodie. He pulled back. "Fuck, you look so good in this, baby."

Riah nodded his head. He then felt Buck flip him over. He slipped behind him and pulled him to sit on his knees with his ass in the air.

Buck's tongue flicked at his hole. He slipped his tongue into Riah.

"Oh! Oh my god, Buck." Riah moaned a little as that tongue worked hungrily into him.

Buck reached his hand over and grabbed the lube. He let his tongue work deeply into him. He could feel how Buck couldn't get enough.

The rough night that Buck had would be long forgotten the minute he fucked Riah into the mattress.

Buck pulled back and slapped his ass. "Am I better than your ex?" Buck asked.

Riah looked back at him. "What?" He asked.

Buck squirted the lube into his hand. "I just need to know. Please," Buck sounded desperate.

Riah nodded. "Bigger and better. Stronger in every way."

Buck smiled as he kissed his shoulder. "Good, I knew you'd make me feel so good, baby boy."

That was the first time Riah understood that sometimes Buck needed reassurance.

Buck was a force in his life. He had this charm about him that just pulled anyone in and made them feel like they were the most important person in the world.

Riah's head leaned against the mattress, and he felt it. The way Buck pressed into him. The shakiness of a hand on his hips as he drew him closer to Buck. The way Buck knew Riah was ready, he'd test with one hard thrust.

His mind would go blank as Buck pounded into him. The way Buck wanted to tease Riah. The way he'd whisper baby boy to him with such a dominant tone. Tonight was different then the times before. This wasn't about Buck and his need to fuck his boyfriend.

No, this was something more feral.

Buck's hands gripped roughly into Riah's hips. The quick, powerful thrusts had Riah panting a bit.

"Fuck, you feel so good around me, baby boy."

Riah nodded. "Oh god. I'm close, Buck, please."

Buck reached around and stroked Riah in time with his thrusts. He hit Riah's prostate, and then Riah felt the mess he made under himself.

Buck wasn't done, though. No, he kept pounding until he released into the condom.

After a few minutes, Buck pulled out and turned Riah over. Riah looked up at him and felt Buck lay him down next to the mess. He kissed down Riah's chest and took that sensitive cock into his mouth a moment later.

Buck and Riah both released several times that night.

Buck made sure that Riah was so overstimulated.

He ended up sobbing as his cock tried to release one more time, but it was like he couldn't. Buck liked the way it felt with him, and he could tell.

The two curled up together. Buck held Riah close. "I am sorry.. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Riah shook his head. "I'm okay. That was intense."

Buck kissed his shoulder. "I accidentally left like 5 hickeys."

Riah smiled. "It's fine."

Buck tangled their legs together. He rubbed Riah's side. "I have never been that turned on before. I was enjoying the way you whined for me."

Riah blushed a little. "I think we both needed that, babe," he admitted.

The two curled up and went to sleep. Buck held Riah in his sleep.

Riah wondered if Buck had been upset about Eddie. Only time will tell if that was what it was that night, but he wouldn't push Buck to tell him until he was ready. He knew that he was probably a temporary space holder, and maybe that was all he needed to be for Buck.

Chapter Text

-Week 12-

-Sunday- 

Eddie regrets it the minute they decide to hang out, not because it is Ravi, but because Ravi promised not to judge him. A simple day out with friends, what could go wrong?

But it is Ravi after all, and what better way to show you care about someone than to push their buttons. Ravi enjoyed the way he could push Eddie to the point that he would agree to almost anything.

The drive over to the shopping plaza hadn't taken too long from the house on Bedford Street.

"Eddie? What are we doing here?" Ravi asked with big brown eyes as they parked across the parking lot away from the entrance. Eddie was embarrassed because he didn't know how to come out to everyone yet.

He was pretty sure that Ravi knew, thanks to being pansexual himself, but also being way too deep into that thing with Sophia.

Eddie glared at Ravi. "Can you pretend I am a bad father, leaving you in the truck with the air on and never tell another soul about this? Including my sister if you want to date her," Eddie went with a threat.

Protective brother is the way to go, right?

Ravi looked at him. "Not unpacking all of that." Ravi sounded equally as sassy as Eddie could at times, his hand waved before their bodies in a circular motion.

Eddie watched as Ravi started to get out. "Please, don't."

Ravi laughed. "No. I am not waiting in the truck like a dog or child not allowed to go into a store with his friend."

A store?

Eddie sighed dramatically. "You can't tell Buck."

Ravi rolled his eyes. "Why would I tell Buck–?"

Eddie looks at him. "Shut up. Don't say it." Eddie could feel the blush heat his cheeks to give him away.

Ravi gasped. "Is this adventure about Buck?" Another sass-filled question directed at him.

Eddie put on the best poker face he could muster in that very moment. He blew air out as he laughed. "What? No way. I just don't think someone who is actively avoiding me should know I went to a sex shop with you." He had to lie. That was his default right?

Buck's jealousy tended to be directed at the person Eddie was with. The last time that happened, Buck dated Tommy. Eddie didn't need another disaster to happen because of him. Ravi accepted that answer. Eddie swore he saw a little blush at the mention of where they are.

The two guys walk into the shop, and Eddie notices a woman in her early twenties eyeing them. Two guys together, and he is sure that she assumed so many things about them. He might be regretful. Ravi slapped his hand on his back. "Oh friend, what are we in the mood for?"

Of course, Ravi would have the most fun embarrassing him.

Eddie regretted ever doing this. The minute Ravi picked up a dildo and then a pocket asshole as they stood in an aisle together. "Please, can you just go wait out in the truck?" Eddie begged.

Ravi laughed and set them down. He handed Eddie a basket and held his hand out. Eddie handed the keys to his new truck. "Have fun, baby boy," Ravi teased as he walked away.

God, please just strike me down right here.

Eddie turned back to the aisle. Everything overwhelmed him. The different items that promised to give the best pleasure.

Does this really work like that? Sex toys can give you that much p—.

His thought was interrupted by a woman around his little sister's age. "Hi hun. You need help?" She asked.

Eddie noticed the badge around her neck. "Hi, Tiff. Please," he pleaded for a minute. "I'm really overwhelmed and I can't tell my friend what I wanted to look for because I'm–" He paused and looked over his shoulder.

Tiff took that as her way in. "You are gay or bi, and exploring that is brave. I will help you find some stuff to use. Are you looking to try prostate pleasure or just something you can wrap around your cock?" She asked.

Eddie blushed. This worker had no problem with the hard questions, and he felt like self-pleasure was a foreign concept to him. "Would it be odd to say.. I don't know?" Eddie knew he sounded embarrassed and confused.

Tiff shook her head. "Of course not. How about we get a few things to try first? Okay, I saw you eyeing the pocket asshole, and a lot of men love this option. It's tight, and they say if you use enough lube, it can feel similar to the real thing."

Eddie nodded his head. "Okay, is there a special lube for it or just like the normal stuff?"

She smiled at him. "Oh, don't worry. I will take good care of you and here." She handed him a card. "This has my email if you want to email me questions. We take classes on sex toys to help find the best things. Anytime you are unsure of something, you can email me, or you can even stop by. The only days I'm not here are Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Over the next forty minutes, Tiff walked Eddie through different things. He ended up buying the pocket asshole, a dildo, and a vibrator to try out. She gave him two different lubes to try for different textured things. She then gave him a first-time discount.

Eddie walked out of the store and went back to his truck. He opened the back door and set it inside. Ravi and Eddie's eyes met over the seat. He could tell that Ravi was anxious to ask the first round of questions.

Ravi stared at Eddie with the large bag. “What the hell took you so long?” Ravi asked. 

Eddie blushed and put the bag in the back. “I had to ask questions?” He sounded unsure, and he knew it. 

"The girl helped you, didn't she?" Ravi asked.

Eddie nodded. "If I get you ice cream, can we pretend this never happened?"

Ravi laughed. "Sure."

Eddie climbed into the front, and he pulled his seatbelt on. "The froyo place or the real ice cream?"

Ravi hummed for a moment. "Real ice cream!"

Eddie chuckled and nodded. "Okay, okay."

Ravi and Eddie made small talk on the way to get ice cream. They both talked a little about Buck, but they both tried to change the subject when it got a little heavy.

The rest of the day went well. They grabbed ice cream, and then they made plans for a few days later for Ravi and Sophia to watch Christopher so Eddie could handle something.

Eddie needed to rip the band-aid off, and what better way than to text his baby sister.

Eddie:

Hey up for a visit?

Annoying Sister #1:

My guest room is all yours.

Eddie:

I'm ready to tell them.

Annoying Sister #1:

Are you sure?

Eddie:

I need to live in my truth.

Annoying Sister #1:

Then I can't wait to see you.

Eddie sat with his laptop in his lap. He found the ticket to fly out on Tuesday night. He breathed out and then decided to call his mother.

It rang three times. "Eddie?" Helena answered.

Eddie looked up and then back down. "Hi Madre. How are you?" He asked.

Helena sighed. "I'm good. Is Chris okay?" She asked.

He laughed. "He's doing great, actually. He's in this robotics club thing. He really enjoys it."

She hummed. "That's good. Did you call just to check in?" She asked.

Eddie sighed. "Not exactly. I am coming to visit Adri. I was wondering if I could stop by?" He asked.

Helena was quiet for a moment. "Okay, we could have lunch one day while you are here. What day?" She asked.

Eddie looked at his phone. "Wednesday?" He asked.

She made a noise on the other side. "That works for our schedule. Can't wait to see you, Eddie. Is Chris coming?" She asked.

Eddie sighed. "No, he's staying with his Tía."

Helena thought for a moment. "Pepa? Is she okay to take care of a teen?" She asked.

Eddie rolled his eyes. "She is, but not that Tía."

Helena thought for a moment. "But Sophia is in Arizona."

Eddie laughed. "Sure."

Helena sighed. "You two always stuck close together."

Eddie smiled at that. "She's doing good. You could call her."

Helena laughed. "She could call us or come see us."

Eddie couldn't stop his eye roll. "See you Wednesday, Madre."

The call ended, and Eddie went and lay down. He tried to hide his annoyance at having to deal with whatever that was on top of everything else.

-Tuesday night-

Eddie smiled and hugged Ravi in the driveway. They went inside together and neither noticed Buck's truck there.

"Okay, Chris knows when to go to sleep. Tomorrow he will go to Tía's. She had plans tonight, so thank you both," Eddie told Ravi and Sophia. "Also, no sexy stuff under my roof. Ravi sleeps on the couch, okay?"

Ravi laughed. "I respect you and your sister. I'm a gentleman."

Sophia shook her head. "Okay, can you go before you miss your flight?"

Eddie laughed. "Okay, I'll be back, Friday."

Eddie slipped his bag into the backseat of the truck. He climbed inside and started the truck. He backs out of the drive and is on his way.

The drive is not too long, but the traffic in Los Angeles is always intense, regardless of the time of day. It takes him about 45 minutes to park in the parking area. He put his duffel over his shoulder, and he is heading towards the front.

They say the devil takes the best of us.

Eddie walked into the airport terminal. He checked in for his flight and proceeded directly to the TSA. He stood in line and looked at his phone. He opened the text thread with Buck.

Eddie:

Hey, I hope you are doing good. I miss you.

That was all he could say right now. How was he going to go to his parents and tell them everything when he couldn't even tell Buck? Part of him wondered if Buck would ever come back to him.

Every bit of what he wants is right there, and also not at the same time. Something had shifted in their friendship lately.

"Sir?" The TSA agent spoke to Eddie. He looked up and put his electronics in the container with his bag. He slipped off his boots and then stepped into the full-body scan. Once he was cleared, Eddie sat and put his shows back on. He pocketed his items and was back on his way with the duffel on his shoulder.

I guess I always knew you weren't like the rest of us.

He looked at the gates and found the number he needed, gate 5. LAX to ELP. He found a seat and sat down. He looked through pictures with Buck. Part of him wished that Buck would be with him on this trip. Adriana would be with him, so at least he had that going for him.

"Now boarding flight 4326 at gate 5 to El Paso," the speaker stated. Eddie stood up and went to the line. He stood in line with his passport and his boarding ticket.

Eddie was let onto the flight, and he went to find a seat in the middle near the emergency exit. Since he was a first responder, he often did that, since he knew what came with sitting there. He breathed in and out slowly. At times, he would have issues with flying, but right now, he felt okay.

He put his phone on airplane mode and slipped his earbuds into his ear. He let the music play from a list he had put together of the songs they used during their Spotify fights.

Eddie's eyes shut as he listened to the lyrics as they flooded through the little buds. The sound canceled out the sounds that were around him. He felt like he could relax a bit. He wanted to know how much he could do without Buck.

How I miss the way you used to laugh.

Eddie's eyes closed tighter as he tried to keep himself calm as the plane started to take off.

I wish you told me how you felt that night, now I'll never get to change your mind.

Eddie could feel every little bit of his heart shatter as he thought about the other thing. The thing that he never lets himself dwell on too long. He wasn't there, so part of him feels like he has no right to feel guilty. Part of him worried about Buck being on another team because if something ever happened, he couldn't forgive himself for not trying harder to get him to stay.

But with all the of memories, you'll always be part of me.

He missed Bobby so much. Part of him knew that it wasn't his fault that Bobby died, but he still hated that he couldn't have helped change the outcome. Everyone deserved to have Bobby still. Eddie would never forgive himself for not being there that day.

Eddie wiped under his eyes as he breathed in slowly. Part of him knows that grief is not linear, and he will sometimes feel it more and more. Today, his grief is a mix of missing Bobby and not having Buck in his orbit.

We could have been kings of our own kingdom, had you let me help you.

He sets his hat over his eyes and lets himself sleep for the two-hour flight from Los Angeles to El Paso. Eddie is awoken by the flight attendant before they start their descent into El Paso. He sits up and he puts his hat back on his head. He looked around and then put his headphones back into their case.

It took them about 30 minutes after landing to be taxied to a gate. While he sat there, he thought about what he would say to his parents tomorrow. Eddie waited until the plane calmed down to leave.

Eddie made it just in time for Adriana to pick him up a little after midnight in Texas. He knew she took the days he was there off, but he still felt bad. He walked out, and that's when he saw his baby sister. He walked towards her, and then he stopped. He stood before her in the El Paso terminal, and she launched herself into his arms like she was a teen.

He remembered the first time he came back from his first tour, and she jumped into his arms. She was not even a teen then. Eddie and Adriana had a special bond because she looked up to him. He took care of her from a young age until he married Shannon.

Adriana stepped down, and then she smiled at him. "You are lucky I love you," Adriana told him.

He smiled and hugged her. "You look so happy. I missed you."

Eddie took in his baby sister's appearance; she had dark hair that was braided back behind her shoulders. She had a new tattoo on her arm. He knew the parents had to love that. She wore a Fall Out Boy t-shirt and had on Converse that matched.

Adriana nodded. "I missed you."

The two walk out to the parking together. They get into a car and head to Adriana's house. They walk into the house quietly. They didn't want to wake up her partner. The two went into the guest room. They sat on the bed.

Eddie laid back on the bed. Adriana sat next to him, her back to the headboard for now. "Are you sure you are ready for this?" She asked her big brother.

Eddie turned to look over at her. He had one hand behind the pillow and the other at his side. "No, but I can't keep hearing about how much Chris needs a mother," he admitted to her.

Adriana wiggled down to lie next to him. "Okay. I got your back, you know that."

"I know. Adri."

He breathed out. "I miss him so much. I did something stupid." He felt like he needed to get this off his chest before he exploded.

Adriana turned to look at him. "What did you do?"

Eddie looked down at his phone. "I sent him a text, and I was drunk and asked him about doing something, and then he showed up, but I fell asleep, so he didn't wake me."

She hummed. "Eddie, did you try to get him to do something sexual?"

He covered his face with the blanket that covered them.

"Eddie… tell me no," Little Adriana sounded so concerned not just for Eddie, but for Buck, too.

"I can't. I was drunk and couldn't stop thinking about it." Eddie sighed.

Adriana hit him with a pillow, and he laughed. She shook her head. "You guys really need to work on communicating better."

He sighed. "I'll try. Now go to sleep in your room. I'm gonna be okay."

Once she left, he looked at his phone. He ran his fingers over it before he sent a text to Buck.

Eddie:

I know it's late, but I am doing something really scary tomorrow and wish I could tell you about it. I miss telling you everything that's happening.

Buck:

Whatever it is, you got this.

Eddie:

What if I don't got this?

Buck:

You got this. You are the bravest person I know.

Eddie:

I don't feel very brave.

Buck:

What are you doing?

Eddie:

I rather tell you in person one day.

Buck:

I don't know if I am ready for that yet.

Eddie:

Will you forgive me one day?

Buck:

There's nothing to forgive you for. I just needed space.

Eddie:

It didn't feel like that.

Buck:

Well that's what it was for me at least.

Eddie:

Okay. Sleep well.

Eddie didn't want a response. He plugged his phone in and went to sleep.

-Wednesday- 

Eddie sat opposite their parents. Adriana sat on one side of him. She had her arm on his, and he breathed out as his parents stared at him.

"Mijo, what is it that you couldn't tell us over the phone?" Helena asked her son.

Eddie sat there for a long moment. His throat felt dry. Part of him already knew his parents were homophobic because of how they reacted to Sophia coming out.

Ramon looked at him. "Did something happen to Christopher?"

Of course, they think it's about my son.

Eddie shook his head. "No, Chris is good. He's with Sophia right now."

Helena and Ramon looked at each other, then at him. "Why would Sophia be in California?"

Eddie went wide-eyed. "That is not why I am here." He had thought his mom understood that Sophia had Christopher.

They both nod. Adriana rubbed his arm. "It's okay, hermano."

Eddie breathed out slowly. "Last year was one of the hardest years of my life." Eddie knew he had to explain the whole thing in order for them to understand it.

Helena nodded. "You had a lot going on. We can tak–"

Eddie shook his head and cut her off. "Absolutely not. My son belongs with me. Don't you dare suggest that."

Helena gasped.

Eddie looked at her. "Madre, let me finish."

Helena nodded.

"Last year, I had to learn something about myself. I had no Chris because I made a huge mistake. I am in therapy, and I reconnected with Adriana and Sophia. I also lost an important person in my life. I realized that I had been wasting so much time being angry at everyone. I decided it was time to let myself be who I am–" Eddie needed to take in a breath, so he did.

He wiped under his eyes. "To be who I was never allowed to be growing up."

Helena watched him closely. Ramon, on the other hand, was curious about this, nodded his head.

"You always said that I had to live the best life under God's watch. I had to be man enough. I was forced to be the man of the house before I was ready. Well, I ended up doing what I thought was the correct way. But it wasn't close. I am gay."

Helena gasped, and then she let out a sob, covering her mouth. Ramon looked at him. "You can't be serious."

Adriana looked at them. "He is."

Helena looked up between those fake tears. "But you had a child. You don't want more?"

Eddie tilted his head. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I can't be a father."

Ramon looked at him. "And we are supposed to accept this like Sophia being with a woman?"

Adriana glared. "You can't be serious." She threw his words back at him.

Eddie froze in place. "All I wanted was to be honest. Adri, let's go. I am obviously not going to get through to them."

Adriana stood up.

"Edmundo!" Helena yelled after them.

Eddie turned to them. "You can't accept Sophia, you won't accept me."

Ramon stared at the two of them. "If you leave this house, do not come back."

Eddie smiled at him. "Good enough for me. Do not contact me again."

Helena gasped. "What about Chris?"

Eddie turned to them. "You do not get to see my son if you don't want anything to do with his gay father."

The two walked out of the house. Adriana looked at him. "Eddie, I'm so sorry.."

Eddie hugged her tightly. He felt like a 17-year-old again who would sometimes crawl into his little sister's bed and hold her through another nightmare, but this time it was his nightmare that came to fruition.

The two hug for a few minutes before they climb into Adriana's car. They drive back to her house. Eddie doesn't talk the rest of the ride there. He just looked at his phone. Everything in him wanted to text Buck.

He locked the screen again and pocketed his phone. He needed to be able to deal with this on his own. Buck had a new life now; he wanted space, and Eddie could do that.

Or that is what Eddie told himself to get through this little hiccup that he had expected from the Diaz parents.

-Friday-

Eddie wasn't sure what he had expected when he got home. Things were finally ironed out for him. He had seen a couple of things pop up on his feed, but he never really knew what to expect when it came to Buck.

Eddie had decided to take a shower after the flight. He needed to wash the grossness from the plane from his body. He used all of his products and leaned against the wall in the shower.

He could feel every emotion run through him. He closed his eyes and imagined what it would be like to have Buck. He could feel the way Buck's fingers would linger on his back as the first sob slipped through his lips.

He had been able to mostly keep himself together since he really saw how homophobic his parents were. He knew Sophia had warned him about it, but here he was on his last chance of ever keeping that connection together.

Another sob sounded from him. He leaned down for a moment and let the water run over him. He sat down on the floor in the shower. He pulled his legs closer to his chest and let his head rest there for a long moment. The tears slipped down his cheeks. He was alone, truly. He could be himself. He could feel without judgment of anyone else.

It took him 10 minutes to finally pull himself off the shower floor. He turned the water off and reached for the towel. He wrapped it around his body. He needed a moment to think, to feel, to grieve the loss of parents who never really deserved him.

Eddie picked up his briefs and then heard the text tone for Buck. He tilted his head and turned to grab it.

Eddie unlocked his phone, and he opened the text thread with Buck. The minute the thread opened, he nearly dropped his phone into the sink. He caught it before it hit.

Buck:

I know you said you had to do something scary the other day. Hope this helps!

Attached to the text was a picture of Buck shirtless, his chest looking slightly wet from a shower. It was a selfie, and Eddie knew what Buck did. Buck wanted his attention, and maybe just maybe he caught on to Eddie's obsession with his Instagram.

Eddie looked up in the mirror and wiped it with a dry towel. He leaned back and let the towel hang low against his hips. He took a selfie and sent it back to him.

Eddie:

I raise you mine.

Eddie watched as Buck reacted to the photo. The bubbles started to appear for the first time in a while when he sent a text.

Buck:

Wow. This is equally unfair.

Eddie:

You started this.

Buck:

Okay, mister, I'm gonna pass out after asking about blowjobs.

Eddie:

You were not supposed to remember that.

Buck:

Eddie:

Okay, you going to keep the game going tonight?

Buck:

I dunno do you want me to?

Eddie:

Maybe?

Buck:

How does a straight guy ask about blowing your best friend drunk?

Eddie:

Buck:

Okay, Eddie. Enjoy the picture.

Eddie:

Are you ready to be done with space?

Buck:

Soon.

Eddie sighed and went to get dressed. He had to go pick up Chris from school soon. He was frustrated with the situation, but knew that he had to be normal about this. Buck needed space still, even if it's been too long.

Eddie dressed in a Henley and a pair of dark jeans. He didn't put anything in his hair. He grabbed his keys and wallet.

Eddie walked to the truck and climbed inside. He put on his music and started towards the high school. He had missed Chris while he was in El Paso and didn't exactly know how to tell him what happened.

Chris was old enough to understand what happened, but Eddie didn't want to tarnish the way Chris saw his grandparents. He knew he would have to explain that they were no longer in contact with them, but he just didn't know how to tell him that.

He pulled up to the front, and Chris got in. He set his crutches into the back. "Hi Dad!" Chris said excitedly.

Eddie smiled. "Hey, buddy. How was school?" He asked.

Chris smiled as he reached for the buckle. He slipped it into the spot, and then he looked at his father. "It was school. How was Texas?" Chris asked.

Eddie pulled away from the curb. "The usual. A little warm and bad drivers?" He teased.

Chris laughed. "And Abuela and Abuelo?" Chris asked.

Eddie felt Chris' eyes on him without moving. "About the same as last time," he admitted.

Chris hummed. "Did you tell them about being gay?" Chris asked.

Eddie sucked in a breath. "Yeah, we can talk about that later."

Eddie hadn't been ready to tell Christopher what happened with his parents. He wanted to shield him from the harsh reality that Helena and Roman Diaz held so much disdain towards the man he looked up to the most.

-Saturday-

Eddie woke up later than normal. He could hear Chris out in the living room on the PlayStation. He got up and rubbed his face. "Morning," Eddie said.

He leaned down and kissed his hair. "Morning, Dad," Chris paused the game and stood. Chris stretched out a bit. "I didn't want to wake you. You seemed like you were still jetlagged."

Eddie smiled at his thoughtful son. "I appreciate it. Did you eat?" Eddie asked.

Chris nodded. "Yeah, I put yours in the fridge. I hope you don't mind," Chris told him.

Eddie patted into the kitchen nd opened a fridge. A foil-wrapped burrito and coffee sat on the shelf. Eddie saw the little note.

Hey sleepyhead,

I stopped by with breakfast, but Chris said you were sleeping. You flew in yesterday from Texas. Well, hope it was a good trip. Enjoy. Let's talk soon.

Buck

Eddie stared at the breakfast burrito. Part of him wanted to know if this was part of the whole headgames that Buck had been playing later, but another part of him thought about Chris texting him about how sad he looked yesterday.

He pulled the burrito and iced coffee from the shelf. He turned the oven on and waited for it to heat up. He sat on the counter and pulled his phone out of his sweats pocket.

Eddie:

Sorry I missed you.

Eddie:

Thank you for thinking of us.

Eddie:

Sorry for triple texts, but I miss you.

Eddie watched as the bubbles appeared and then disappeared. He thought maybe this was the branch that Buck extended. The next moment, he received a thumbs-up reaction from Buck.

Eddie jumped down as the alarm beeped for the overtemperature. He sets the burrito on a cookie sheet. He puts it inside and then sets the timer on his phone.

Eddie walked back into the bedroom, and he grabbed the pad of paper. He took the pad and went to the kitchen table. He sat and pulled the pen out of the spiral. He clicked the end. His pen worked over the page after a moment.

Buck,

Part of me wonders if I even deserve to have you back in my orbit. By the time you read these letters, you will know I am gay. You will also likely know how I feel. I at least hope for both of those things.

I am not mad about you walking away anymore. I don't think I ever was. I think I was hurt because you always ran towards me and never away previously. I'm the one who runs when things get hard.

I'm the one who pushes and pushes sometimes until things break completely. I never really feel like I know what I deserve anymore.

I came out to my parents this week. The first thing I did after? Thought about how you would tell me that they suck.

Eddie felt his whole heart explode in that moment. He took a sip of his coffee and tried so hard to keep himself together. Chris was in the next room. The PlayStation was on, and he was talking to Denny on the headset as they played some game together.

A tear dropped onto the page. He reached up and brushed it away. He squeezed his thighs to ground himself. He couldn't let Chris—

"Dad?" Chris asked as he stood in the entryway.

Eddie had been so caught up in his own head that he didn't even register that the game was quiet. He looked over with bloodshot, wet eyes at his son. "Hey," he tried to muster the best even voice.

"Are you okay?" Chris asked.

Eddie nodded. "I'm good."

Chris walked closer to him. He stood before him and then hugged him. Eddie pulled the teen close and kissed his temple. "What's this for?" Eddie asked.

Chris sighed. "Because you are not okay."

Eddie stared past Chris as he held him tighter. "No, I'm not. But I am going to be okay. I have you and I have Soph and Adri, Pepa, and we have Abuela… and the 118."

Chris stepped back. "What happened in Texas?" Chris asked.

Eddie heard the timer and closed the notebook. He turned the timer off and went to check his food. "I decided it was time to live in my truth.. I told my parents that I am gay."

Chris stayed quiet for a moment. Eddie knew he had to process that his grandparents might not be who he thought they were. Eddie never wanted to tarnish how Chris viewed them.

He took the potholder and pulled the cookie sheet out. He checked the burrito before he plated it. He grabbed the salsa from the bag and turned to see Chris look at him.

Chris eyes were wide. "They said bad things about Soph when I was there."

Eddie sat down with his son at the table. "About her being confused?"

Chris nodded his head.

Eddie was quiet for a moment.

Eddie pressed his hand to his arm. He rubbed his thumb over Chris' arm. "I raised you differently so that you wouldn't ever have to hear those words from a person you look up to. I never thought that when you were in El Paso, they would say those kinds of things to you. You are a child still."

Chris nodded his head. "But there is nothing wrong with you or Soph. Buck dates both. Hen and Karen are amazing moms. I was so mad, Dad."

Eddie nodded. "And it's okay to be mad sometimes."

Chris nodded. "So you told them?" Chris asked.

Eddie breathed out. "Yeah."

Chris looked at him. "Do we hate them?"

Eddie looked at him as he unwrapped the burrito. "They are your grandparents still."

Chris sighed. "Not if they are not your parents."

Eddie turned to look at him. "You heard Tía and me?"

Chris nodded.

Eddie sighed. "They do not accept me, and I told her what they said. You do not need to take that on. You are just 14, Chris."

Chris put his hand on Eddie's arm. "If they don't accept the best Dad ever? Then they don't get his son either."

Eddie smiled at him. "Best Dad ever? That's a title."

Chris laughed. "Don't get all mushy, Dad! Eat your burrito. Buck said it has happiness in it."

Eddie watched Chris walk away. He ate and thought about what to write to Buck.

It has happiness in it?

Eddie hummed as he ate a bite. If only Buck knew how much he needed this. He thought more about what he wanted to write in this letter. It had been a while since he wrote another Dear Buck letter. So now he knew what he wanted to write in this one.

Once he disposed of the trash and cleaned off the plate, he sat back at the table. He sipped the coffee before he pressed the pen back to the page.

Remember that one time after you came out to me and we just sat there. I never realized you were waiting to see how much it meant to me that you trusted me with your truth.

I hope one day I get to know how your reaction would be to learning that not only am I gay, but that you make my world have so much happiness inside it.

Kinda like the burrito and coffee you left today with Chris.

But one day, I think you will know. I think you will read these letters and think I was crazy. The only thing I know for sure? If you come back? I will never let you go again.

Always,

Eddie

Eddie pulled the page off and went for another envelope. He labeled the letter Read third. He walked back to the bedroom and shoved it into the shoe box in the back of his closet like a dirty little secret. He tucked it back into the spot in the very back of the closet before he shut the door again.

-Week 13-

-Sunday-

Eddie didn't know what to think when Chimney pulled him to the side first thing that morning. Part of him worried that something had happened to Buck, but another part of him figured Chimney would only tell him if he was injured.

Chimney and Eddie made their way to the roof. "Did something happen?" He asked after a moment of doom spiraling in his head.

Chimney opened the door to the roof. "Nothing happened. Just figured you'd want some privacy, and the locker area is glass, and Hen is borrowing my office," Chimney told him.

Eddie nodded and walked out to the roof. The door slammed closed behind them.

Chimney reached into his jacket and pulled out a clasped envelope. It was large and appeared to contain several items inside. "So I have something for you," Chimney told him.

Eddie accepted the envelope and slipped the clasp through the opening. He opened it and pulled out the stack of papers. He could feel Chimney's eyes on him.

"It's from headquarters," Eddie told him. Part of him realized how stupid that sounded. Chimney probably already knew what was in the envelope.

Dear Edmundo Diaz,

Enclosed, you will find the results of your paramedic exam. We thank you for all your hard work over the years at the Los Angeles Fire Department.

Eddie looked up. "They should rewrite the first part of this generic letter."

Chimney laughed.

Eddie flipped the page. His eyes grew wide as he saw the words there.

Congratulations, Paramedic Diaz! You have passed the certification for the Los Angeles Fire Department Paramedic program. You scored within the top 2% of your testing group.

Eddie turned to Chimney. "I—" He was almost in disbelief that he got to have this one thing turn out positive for him.

Chminey smiled at him. Eddie's eyes slipped down to the item now in Chimney's hand. A stethoscope. Chimney held it out to him. "This was given to me when I first started on the journey to becoming a paramedic. I'm so thankful to be able to hand over not only this, but also know my partner will be in excellent hands with you, Eddie."

Eddie took the stetoscope and hung it around his neck. Then he pulled Chimney into a hug. The two of them had been distant recently due to Eddie. The fight in the past as they stood there together. "He'd be proud of you, too."

Eddie isn't sure which he was meant, but his mind goes to the one no longer here. He thinks about Bobby standing there proud, and the tears soak against Chimney's shoulder.

Chimney rubbed his back a little bit. "Okay, paramedic. Let's get ready for the shift."

Eddie nodded. He went down the stairs and went to change.

Once Eddie was dressed, he pulled his phone out to text Christopher.

Eddie:

I passed! I'm a paramedic-firefighter!

Chris:

Congrats Dad! I knew you would. LOVE YOU!

Eddie:

Love you too! Have an amazing day.

Eddie hesitated for a minute at the next thread. He could feel his cheeks flush at the selfie he scrolled up to see, then he went back down to text.

Eddie:

Hey!

Eddie:

I'm officially a Paramedic-Firefighter!

Buck:

Congrats!

Buck:

We should celebrate soon. I'm busy this week, but maybe next week?

Every little nerve in his body filled with hope. The hope that these plans would stick.

Eddie:

Sure thing! Just let me know when.

Eddie went up the stairs and saw everyone there. There was a cake. This time it was not a Buck cake. Part of him was disappointed by that, but he would live.

-Tuesday, 9:00 P.M.-

Eddie sat with Heated Rivalry in his hand. He hadn't been able to set it down for hours, and Chris stayed with Pepa since he had an early shift the next day. He could feel himself infatuated with the story, and then he heard the text tone.

"Right on schedule," Eddie mumbled. He sat up and unlocked his phone.

He clicked the green text application and opened the text from Buck.

Buck:

You awake?

Eddie:

Is this a wyd text?

Buck:

I don't even want to know how you know that.

Eddie:

I'm friends with Ravi?

Buck:

Right!

Buck:

Wyd?

Eddie:

Really?

Buck:

You started it when you asked that.

Buck:

So you going to answer it?

Eddie laughed and rolled his eyes at the text. Since when did they get like this? Part of him was hopeful, but the other part knew that it could be pulled back like a rug under his feet at any moment. He decided to answer.

Eddie:

Reading a book in bed.

Buck:

In bed?

Buck:

And what book?

Eddie stared at that message and thought for a minute. He looked at the book, then back at the phone.

Game on, Buckley.

Eddie:

~Eddie attached a picture of himself in bed. He grabbed the book that Buck left at the house to be a little bit of an ass to him.~

Eddie:

The baker and the teacher are very into each other, aren't they?

Buck:

Where did you find that?

Buck:

And they are, but part of it is hard because the teacher keeps him at arm's length.

Eddie watched as he responded. A smile on his face. He sat up some.

Eddie:

Well, maybe the teacher just needed to find himself first?

Buck:

Well he shouldn't have led on the baker.

Eddie:

In the end, it worked out for both of them, didn't it?

Buck:

It took the baker a while to trust him, though.

Eddie isn't sure they meant the story anymore. He breathed out a bit and started to think about his next text.

Eddie:

Maybe the teacher was scared to lose the baker.

Buck:

The baker wouldn't stay away forever.

Eddie breathed in a little. He didn't respond right away. That was his sign that Buck and he might be leading back into the right place again.

Eddie:

Good because the teacher would miss the baker if he did.

Eddie didn't expect a response from Buck, but a few moments later, he heard something, and then a song started on the Alexa in his room.

Please be honest, are we better for it? Thought you'd hate me, but instead you called and said, "I miss you." I caught it.

Eddie sat up and listened to the song. It was Gracie Abrams. I miss you, I'm sorry. Part of him was confused because some of this was very exes and not best friends who took space.

I miss fighting in your old apartment, breaking dishes when you're disappointed. I still love you, I promise.

Eddie's eyes shut as he feels himself float to that place. The place of disbelief. It felt like it was just Bobby's funeral, and then Buck pushed his grief down.

He wished he could take back the things he had said in that kitchen that night. He never would have said half of it, but he was hurt. He needed the one person who understood him the most. So now here he was, thinking, dreaming, wishing, for his best friend to come back to him.

Nothing happened in the way I wanted. Every corner of this is haunted.

Every room he walked through, he could feel it. He could feel the way that Buck would brighten up every room he walked into. The way his body felt pressed up against Eddie. The way they would sometimes be so tangled into the other, they wouldn't even acknowledge it if they thought the other was sleeping when they pulled their body away.

They both knew. It haunted them both for the same reasons, but neither of them knew that at the time.

And I know you said that we're not talking, but I miss you, I'm sorry.

Eddie's finger pressed over the screen. He wanted to press call. He wanted to call Buck and make him see that he is the baker and he the teacher.

I don't wanna go, think it'll make it worse.

Eddie breathes out as he lies there. He sits for a long moment, and then he thinks about how he had to go just months ago to see Chris. He didn't know that Chris wanted to come home, and that bothered him until recently. Part of him wonders how that would have changed the outcomes.

Everything I know brings me back to us.

As the song ended, Eddie's eyes flashed, and he saw it. He sat up, and his eyes locked onto the man in front of him. He didn't hear the front door close or the footsteps down the hall. It was like everything inside of him wondered how he had been so lost in the song that he didn't hear Buck there.

"Hi, Eddie," Buck said.

Eddie shot up out of bed. He hit both of the books under the blanket and then stopped before him. "Am I dreaming?" Eddie asked.

Buck shook his head. "No, you are not dreaming."

Eddie nodded his head. He wanted to move closer. He wanted to reach out. "Why are you here?" Eddie asked.

Buck stood before him. "Eddie, I'm sorry," Buck finally spoke to him.

Everything felt like a rush of air being ripped out of his lungs. The words he had wondered would ever be said because Buck iced him out. Buck gave up on them fixing things.

As Eddie was about to speak, he shot up in bed and looked around. It was 3:00 AM and not 9:00 PM anymore. Buck wasn't there.

Buck had never been there. It was just a dream. The song, however, was never the dream. He doesn't know when he fell asleep. It was somewhere between the third verse.

Eddie picked up his phone. He looked at the last text from Buck.

Buck:

Eddie, I'm sorry.

Eddie stared at the text. Part of him knows that he had apologized before about how he crossed lines months ago with Buck. This felt different. Buck sent a song. Buck wanted to meet up soon, but he was busy.

Eddie:

I need to see you when you have time.

Eddie laid back down and went to sleep for a bit. He needed to get some more sleep before his shift later that day.

-Saturday, 4:00 PM-

Eddie sat on the couch with Hen. They were not really talking. Eddie's ears perk up as he hears a familiar voice.

"Heard you guys needed some coverage today?" The voice came from down the stairs.

Chimney laughed and hugged Buck. Eddie watched from above. He didn't move, but Buck looked up.

Buck looked good. He had been working out a lot, and Eddie did not miss a beat in how fit he looked. His chest hugged the t-shirt issued by the LAFD.

Eddie finally made his way to the stairs. Chimney walked back to his office. No one else moved as Eddie walked to Buck. He stood before Buck and looked into his eyes. "I think we have your 118 gear still in the closet," Eddie told him.

Buck nodded his head. "Good."

Eddie and Buck walked into the closet. Eddie went in first, and Buck shut the door. "This isn't going to be awkward, right?" Buck asked.

Eddie looked at him. "It doesn't have to be. We said our piece, right?" He asked. He grabbed Buck's gear and handed it to him.

Buck stepped toward him as their fingers stayed close. "I meant it. I know we can't really talk here about things, but maybe tonight, meet me on the roof?" Buck asked.

Eddie stood there for a long moment. Their eyes met in the dim room. Buck breathed out, and Eddie swore he heard a shake. "When everyone goes to bed?" He asked.

Buck nodded. "Sounds perfect."

The two walked out. Buck went to put his gear in his old gear locker, and Eddie went back up the stairs.

They had two calls before they were to meet later that night.

Eddie stood away from the door. He looked out at their city. He loved the way the lights would cascade along the high rises. He heard Buck close the door to the roof.

"Hi," Buck muttered.

Eddie turned to look at him. "Hi," he whispered. He was afraid that if he moved too close or too fast, Buck would disappear like his dream.

For you, I would cross the line.

Buck smiled and stepped closer. He pulled Eddie into a hug. The two of them stood like that for a long moment.

I would waste my time, I would lose my mind.

"I owe you the biggest explanation, but I just can't really explain it all right now. Just know I have been working through things. I realized that I needed to fix things with you," Buck told him.

Buck stepped back first, and Eddie nodded. "I understand that. I hope you know I would never do anything to cause you distress. You know that, right?" Eddie asked.

Buck nodded his head. "I know. Eddie, you matter so much to me, and I was hurting so bad over losing Bobby. I think that a lot of my anger towards a situation could have been resolved by just telling you."

Don't blame me, love made me crazy.

Eddie nodded. "And I didn't want to talk about my grief with anyone but you. I pushed and pushed because that's who we are. We never let the other fall down where they can't come back together."

Buck smiled. "You seeing Frank?" Buck asked.

If it doesn't, you ain't doing it right.

Eddie laughed. "Shut up."

Buck nudged his arm. "That was a very Frank answer. I'm glad you have Frank, though. He helped Maddie a lot back when."

Eddie nodded. "And he helped me, too."

Lord, save me, my drug is my baby.

Buck watched him. "Good."

Eddie stood next to him. "I want to tell you everything, but this isn't the right place."

I'll be usin' for the rest of my life.

Buck nodded. "I can't this coming week, but let's plan for the following week? I got something I need to take care of," Buck told him.

Eddie smiled. "Hot date?" Eddie teased.

Buck laughed. "I am taking some vacation time for once. Going on a camping thing with a friend," Buck told him.

Eddie nodded. "Let's meet on your day off after that," he told him.

Buck nodded. "It's a plan."

Eddie smiled and held his hand out. The two fist-bumped before they headed back inside. Each of them went to their bunk room.

Eddie didn't sleep right away. He reached under his pillow and pulled out the queer book again. He lay there with the reading light on and started to read it.

Part of him wondered if queer love was realistic like this. Part of him wondered if all the hardship that people go through ends up with finding another in the end.

Or was that just fiction?

-Week 14-

That week had been a little intense. Eddie had a lot to do. He didn't even get to think about what would happen. He hoped he would hear from Buck almost daily. Part of him wondered if Buck had a boyfriend.

Part of him kept thinking back to the trip that Buck was on. Camping was something he didn't do often, but when he needed to figure something out.

Nature and Buck at times went hand-in-hand. They had been on a couple of camping trips, and they were always good.

Monday had been a pretty Q word shift. He had time to think about how he would tell Buck he was gay. The other part knew that he had to figure out if telling him about his sexuality should also be about telling Buck that he had figured out at some point during the time apart that he was madly in love with him.

He wanted so badly to be able to have him. He wanted to hold him and make him feel every ounce of his love for him.

Eddie stared at the notebook on Saturday. Another letter wouldn't be so bad, right?

Buck,

We talked last week. I plan to tell you next week. I just hope that everything works out. I hope that we get to figure out this thing because I honestly cannot picture another moment without you exploring this with me.

I know you might not feel the same as I do, but that is okay. I know that you need to focus on yourself.

Grief is crazy. Since we talked a little about why you left? Well, I've been thinking about Bobby a lot, too. Part of me wonders if he knew all along. He always said that there was something about us that worked well together as partners. Do you think he knew that it was more than that?

Do you feel the same way? Have you always known?

Is it crazy that I figured out I was gay in Texas and then everything else seemed to fall into place for me?

I couldn't picture a moment when I didn't know you were special to me. I just knew you were something that I always needed on my side.

From the Tsunami to the shooting, to the buried alive, to the lightning strike. All those moments meant something to both of us.

Even if you don't feel the same. Just know you will always have me.

Yours,

Eddie

When he finished the letter, Eddie closed his door. He put the letter into the box and then reached for the other box back there. He went through each thing and pulled out a bottle of lube and a dildo.

Eddie made his way to the shower. He turned it on and undressed. He bent over the sink as he lubed up a finger.

This wasn't the first time he had done this. He looked over Buck's Instagram again. He found the one video he knew would do it. Buck looked so good in his workout shorts. He was lifting weights again.

He played it as he pressed one finger into himself. He slowly worked himself open as he watched. He bit his lower lip as the next video played of Buck, and it was another workout, but this was different. He was beating a tire with a sledgehammer, and all Eddie wanted was to be thrown around in that moment.

Another finger was added to the mix to open himself up a bit. He tried to be quiet just in case Buck got a wild hair and decided to stop by. They were on better terms now.

Once he was ready, he sat up. He put the dildo on the shower wall and slipped inside. He wrapped a lubed hand around it and slathered the lube up and down to the base. He then bent over and guided himself slowly.

The stretch felt good around him. He needed it so much. He pressed back until he was fully down on it. He gasped as his head leaned against his shoulder. Once he was fully on it, he moved his hips in slow, dirty thrusts. He let himself get used to having something so thick inside him.

It didn't take long for him to find his prostate with the dildo. He gasped as the pleasure hit him. He knew what he needed, and that was obvious as he was fucking himself back roughly on it. He closed his eyes and thought about it being Buck.

That was normal best friend behavior, right? Thinking about your best friend of eight years, balls deep inside you, and making you feel so good. Totally platonic behavior at that.

Eddie could picture the way Buck would grip his hips, maybe even slap his ass. He could feel the way that Buck could cup his ass in those big hands of his. Those fingers just holding his ass open as he dives deeper and deeper until Eddie is so lost in it that he doesn't remember his own name.

Eddie covered his mouth as the first bout of moans fell from his mouth. He started to release all over the floor without even touching his own dick. That was the first time he had done that. He was in shock and panting, and his vision was a little blurry. Once the orgasm was done, he sat on the shower floor for a moment. He gasped and whined as he felt so empty now.

Eddie was dick drunk over something he never even had before. Every queer romance book he reads? Well, he can't stop the thought of Evan Buckley as the one. The one he wanted to sweep off their feet. The one he wanted to sweep off his.

Once Eddie is calmed down again. He stood and cleaned himself up. He cleaned up the bathroom and rinsed off the dildo. He sets it to the side.

He showered and then wrapped a towel around his waist. He walked to the bedroom with the dildo and went to change for bed.

He didn't expect much to happen over the next few days, so he decided that he would just relax and read. A new hobby of his. Everything he read and learned about his own pleasure? Well, he wanted to make sure he was ready if Buck wanted him.

-Week 15-

-Sunday-

Buck:

Let's hang on Tuesday?

Eddie:

It's a plan!

-Monday-

Eddie stood with Chimney in the locker room. He needed to change his shirt after the last call. They had 4 hours of their shift left.

Eddie's phone rang, and the caller ID said Memorial Hospital of Gardena. Eddie answered the phone. Chimney stood next to him. “Hello?” Eddie said as he stepped back. Chimney stood beside him and watched Eddie's face.

“Hello, is this Mr.Eddie Diaz?” The woman said from the other side of the phone. 

“This is he,” Eddie felt his heart drop. No one ever called like that unless someone was hurt.

“Hi, my name is Jessica. I am a nurse at Memorial Hospital of Gardena. Do you know an Evan Buckley?” She asked. 

Eddie went wide-eyed and looked at Chimney. “Yes, that’s my… I’m his emergency contact still?” Eddie asked. Eddie was floored on why Eddie would be called and not Maddie or Chimney.

A soft sigh from the other side. He could already feel it wasn't good news. “Yes, I got your number from a Captain of the LAFD. Mr. Buckley had an accident today while on duty; he’s currently in our Emergency Department.” She said. 

Eddie thought for a moment. "How bad is it? Is he awake?" Eddie asked.

"He's in critical but stable condition. We really need you to come down here as his emergency contact and medical proxy," she told him.

Eddie grabbed his stuff and looked at Chimney. “ I-I gotta go,” Eddie said before he ran out the door. “I’ll be there soon, thank you for the call.” Eddie hung up.

Chimney ran after him. “Eddie! What happened?” Chimney asked. 

Eddie looked at him. “You have Jee and Chris? I will call you as soon as I know. Something happened on Buck's shift. He still has me as his Emergency Contact and his proxy on his LAFD record.” Eddie said. 

Eddie didn't even wait for a response. He just ran to the truck. He threw his stuff into the back and drove the 40-minute drive to Hawthorne. This is where Buck had been all along? Just across the town?

When he got to the hospital, he ran inside. "I'm here for Evan Buckley?" Eddie said.

The nurse walked him to a trauma room. He saw Ashley there and then a few others. His team stood and watched as he walked up. Eddie still had on his LAFD t-shirt and his work pants. He never changed, just grabbed the bag and ran.

He didn't hear them ask him anything. He tried to listen to the nurse, but his eyes locked on the pages. He held the clipboard in his hands tightly and signed the forms one by one. He caught every other word as they were spewed in his direction. Another accident to add to their list of accidents. Buck would be okay, he was always okay, right?

Internal Bleeding.

Needs surgery.

Eddie stared in the room at Buck, who was attached to monitors. Blood was dried on his lip from where he could see. The normal plump pink lips were brighter with crimson staining them. There was a tube down his throat to help him breathe.

Eddie walked inside the room. He brushed a curl back from his forehead. He looked down at him as a tear slipped down his cheek. "I need you to come back to me, Evan," Eddie whispered. He pressed a simple kiss to his birthmark.

As he looked over Buck, he could see there was damage to his chest and ribs. Part of him wanted to know what happened. If he were there when the lab happened, would Buck be in this bed right now? He wouldn't leave Buck's side until he knew he was okay.

The fight hit him like a sledgehammer. The words that he spoke to Buck before Chris flew home. Before, everything felt so far away. Their grief intertwined into one. If Buck didn't make it out of this? Well, he wouldn't ever forgive himself for not being there again.

I don't know, I wasn't there.