Chapter Text
Kylo Ren needed to get away. He had spent the morning training with the Supreme Leader, which involved working his way up from using the Force to torture insects to using it to torture prisoners, with all manner of creature in between.
He knew Snoke could sense his hesitation. He also knew that the shame he felt about that hesitation was fueling his ever-growing powers. And of course, Snoke knew that, too. So really, it was all part of the plan. Over the years, it felt more and more natural to repress all nurturing or compromising instincts in favour of that familiar rage that he had almost honed to perfection.
Almost.
He had been looking forward to speedwalking back to his room so he could have a moment’s reprieve from Snoke’s mocking gaze. But instead, he ran into Hux, who was apparently on the way to the throne room. The bastard immediately sensed Kylo’s frayed nerves and took his opportunity:
“Good training session, was it?”
“Watch yourself, General,” Kylo hissed back, unsuccessfully trying to make Hux flinch.
When Hux was out of earshot, Kylo sprinted through the endless, sterile hallways and back to his quarters. They were the only place he had to himself in this godforsaken ship. Though somehow, he felt like he was being watched everywhere he went.
He sighed as the door closed behind him and threw himself on the bed. Relief, but not true relief. Relieved to finally take the mask (literal and metaphorical) off and let himself think, yes. But never relieved of the emotional torture which he now endured at a baseline level.
For once, he didn’t feel like drawing his lightsaber to rip something apart. These days, he flipped back and forth between uncontrollable fits of public rage and uncontrollable fits of private desolation and tormented, visceral sadness.
Filled to the brim, he collapsed further into the bed and let one tear roll, then another. Watched his thoughts flit by like glitchy holograms.
Hux’s idiotic sneer.
His knights of Ren, Cianh, Kaena and the others.
The blazing Jedi temple.
Han Solo’s eyes filled with love and sadness, just before being extinguished.
Awkward heartfelt conversations through the Force with that girl, Rey.
An ache in his chest had developed that the medical droids had been unable to detect. Inadequate. Hated by all, though that’s not what bothered him— more so the fact that Rey’s glimmer of hope had vanished, if it had ever existed in the first place.
By now, his entire body was convulsed with ragged, ugly sobs. No matter how much darkness he wrapped himself with like a protective blanket, there it always was: the call to the Light. He hated himself for letting his emotions spill over so extravagantly, but there was little he could do to help it these days.
And then, the worst thing that could happen decided to happen: not so much a shift as a fold in the Force—a presence.
Spastically, he drew his knees up and backed into the wall behind the bed. Somehow, the lightsaber he had been clutching came on, ripping through the air before him like a protective animal.
Kylo blinked through his crusty, tear-logged vision and inevitably made eye contact with Rey. His anguish gave way to the familiar rage he was used to. Just marvellous, getting caught in one of his weakest moments (by her, no less). He hated himself for having any weak moments at all.
Channelling his anger just as he had been trained for years, he caught glimpses of her emotions through the Force. Surprise first. Her stance was guarded. Fear. His ragged breathing slowed, and he regained some of his composure, desperately clinging to the control he hungered for. Kylo felt a drop of sweat begin to bead on his nose from the heat of the sabre. He wanted her gone, but also…
“What the fuck do you want from me?”
That came out louder than he expected, but she didn’t flinch. Why didn’t she care? Just as the panic started to sink in again, she responded:
“I… don’t know.”
The sabre lowered ever so slightly. She avoided eye contact, but not out of fear anymore; she seemed lost in thought, unsure what to say. Kylo didn’t want to reach up to wipe away his tears because it would only draw attention to them. His voice was a seething hiss.
“Well, since neither of us seems to have any control over when this happens, might I suggest we wait it out in silence?”
“Fine.”
The first few seconds were spent in awkwardness. He looked away and focused on composing himself. But now, she seemed intent on watching him as he did it. He could sense her putting the pieces together. Could feel her reaching tendrils of warmth through their bond in the Force. They stung him and sent his heart thrumming all over again. He had a sudden childish urge to demand that she look away, then crumpled inwardly with the shame of having such a thought. If he couldn’t handle a strange girl’s gaze, what else couldn’t he handle?
“You seem a bit tense,” she observed.
“I thought we were going to be quiet,” Kylo retorted.
“It’s hard to be quiet as I watch that lightsaber quivering in your fist like a leaf in the wind.”
She raised an eyebrow, then added:
“Did you really build that thing yourself?”
The change of topic was welcome. Now he could just look at the sabre.
“Yeah. I did.”
“Why’s it got those extra pointy bits sticking out of it?”
“The kyber crystal’s cracked. Needed vents for the extra energy.”
“Huh. Somehow, I’m not surprised.”
He looked up, suddenly emboldened, directly into her eyes. She looked back evenly. The moment seemed to stretch on for hours. It was as if they were talking, having entire conversations just through that one look. It was nuanced and undeniably intense.
Then she looked down at his hand again. The lightsaber had turned off. Kylo thought this Force connection was lasting much longer than the last ones. He felt like his mind was leaving his body and looking down at them both from above. At the withdrawn sabre in his right hand. A sign of truce?
“Do you often have moments of panic like these?” She asked softly. Evidently, she could tell she had interrupted him in a private emotion.
“I wasn’t panicking. I just needed some time alone, which it seems I won’t get.”
“I get them too.”
“Oh.”
He didn’t know what to say to that. She continued with that same distant look she’d had earlier, as if she was talking to herself, not him.
“It’s like as soon as I close the door, I can feel the walls caving in.”
A breeze was blowing through her hair. She must have been outdoors.
“People look up to me. They shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because they just shouldn’t,” She sighed, seemingly reminded of who she was talking to.
Kylo gripped his lightsaber tighter.
“So I can’t ask you about that, but you can ask me stuff, then, is that it?”
She stared furiously at him for a moment.
“You were right. We should’ve just stayed silent.”
There was the rage again. She was so… petulant. But he remained silent. Another moment of eye contact passed. Then he voiced what they were both thinking:
“I wonder what it means.”
“What what means?”
“This. This… connection.”
“Yeah. I don’t feel like I’m the one doing it.” She rubbed the back of her neck.
“Neither do I.”
“So who benefits, then?”
“What?”
“I mean, with things like this, things that make no sense, you have to ask yourself, who is benefiting from it?”
“Oh. Yeah.” Kylo hadn’t thought of that.
“Yeah.”
They sat there thinking for a minute. Then Kylo had an idea:
“Snoke. He benefits.”
“Why?”
“Maybe he’s trying to set us against each other.”
“Huh. Yeah, maybe.”
She looked at him curiously.
“What about just… the Force, though?”
“The Force?”
“Yeah. Maybe there’s some kind of… benefit to the Force, something neither of us could understand.”
“The Force isn’t a person, Rey, it’s an energy.”
“An energy with intentions!”
“No, it’s just, like, a tool. Or an element. Something you can harness.”
“Is that what Snoke’s been telling you?”
That caught Kylo off guard.
“Yeah…”
“When will you realize he’s thinking of YOU as a tool, Ben?”
“Don’t call me that.” He leaned forward forcefully, hoping to intimidate her. She didn’t flinch.
“You can threaten me all you want, you know how this works. That lightsaber won’t do anything. Ben.”
“Fuck you. You rebels are all the same, you think you’re better than everyone else.”
“Better than the First Order, that’s for sure.”
“God, when is this fucking thing gonna end? Huh? When are you gonna leave me alone??”
“Believe me, I’ve been wondering the same thing for the last fifteen minutes.”
Rey rolled her eyes at him just seconds before disappearing into thin air. The Force settled back into its normal orientation, leaving Kylo with an indignant feeling of accusation in his throat. He sighed before flopping backwards onto the bed, groaning frustratedly into his palms.