Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The loud explosion of fireworks are a distant sound as I stare at my best friend. The colors reflect off his glassy eyes and light up his handsome features.

He's trying to be strong. He always does for me. But he's hurting. And I just learned to what extent he's hurting.

His tanned arms are wrapped tightly around his knees in a defensive manner. He's always so open with me but right now he's completely shut off.

He pretends to be watching the fireworks but his eyes are swimming with tears, letting me know that his mind is elsewhere.

I shift closer to him and take his hand from his knee. He's stiff and apprehensive but allows me to hold it.

"Thank you, for the jacket." I murmur.

After all, that's how this started. In the moment of his habitual sweetness, he had given me his jacket to ease my shivering but forgot about the secrets he had been hiding under his sleeves.

He doesn't want to talk about it and I can see that. I don't want to push it. But at the same time, I need him to know that he doesn't have to suffer alone.

"I've thought about it before." I admit. "I've never done it but I've thought about it."

This makes him look at me again.

"Why?" he whispers.

"Things get hard sometimes. And it's easier to have that release than to actually talk to people about what's hurting." I explain.

He looks down and rubs my cold fingers to warm them up.

"Yeah," he breathes. "But you can always talk to me."

I smile, nuzzling myself into his shoulder. He drops my hand and puts his arm around me.

"I know that now. And I hope you know that you can talk to me too." I smile sadly.

He lets out a shaky breath and looks back at the fireworks that seem never ending.

"It's hard. I care so much about you. I don't want you to see me differently." he mumbles.

"I would never. You're always going to be my goofy best friend." I beam.

He breaks a smile at that, which relieves me.

He then intertwines the fingers on his free hand with my mine. His thumb brushes over my wrist, my clean, undamaged, unwounded, unscarred wrist.

"Promise me that you'll never do it." he murmurs.

"If it means that much to you, I'll never even consider it again." I smile.

He nods as a tear falls down his cheek. It's stops midway and just sits there.

I move his wrist up and lean down a bit, meeting it halfway. My lips kiss his scarred tissue and his healing gashes, avoiding the fresh sensitive ones in fear of hurting him.

"I kissed it. It's all better now." I chirp, turning to Vic who has even more tears covering his cheeks.

One of my hands is trapped in the pocket of Vic's jacket and the other one is locked with Vic's. With both my hands being indisposed and unable to wipe away Vic's tears, I do the first instinctual thing which so happens to be leaning in and licking his salty tear away.

If it were anyone other than Vic, I would be too disgusted to do it, but for Vic, I'd do anything.

He near squeals before he bursts out into laughter. His laughter is beautiful but rare these days and I can't help but to catch it.

I bury my face into his chest as his whole body wracks with happiness. His eyes fill with tears once again but they're a different kind of tear. The tears that I'm used to seeing from Vic, when I clumsily trip and fall flat on my ass or when we throw popcorn at the tall people in front of us at the theater. These are the tears that I've grown to love.

"You're so gross." he snorts.

"You love it." I tease.

He just sighs dreamily and looks back at the sky.

"Hey," I say getting his attention. "Promise me that you'll stop, if not for you, then for me."

He smiles and nods.

"I promise." he whispers.

I take note that the fireworks have stopped so I pick up my phone and check the time. It's 12:04.

I look to Vic and frown but he's looking at the view we have from the rooftop of his home.

He was supposed to be my midnight kiss and I missed that window. Tonight I was supposed to tell him how I feel about him but I'm glad we've had this conversation.

"Happy new year, Vic." I smile.

"Happy new year, Kells." he replies. "I'm sorry I ruined our night. Thank you for being here for me. I really needed my best friend and I know you'll always be here."

He then pulls me into a hug. I'm touched by his words but cant help but to overanalyze them.

He really needs a friend and it would be selfish of me to take that away from him. Maybe I should hold back on the whole 'boyfriend dream' for a while and just be here for him. I'm sure the right moment will come.

Chapter Text

I sip my soda, no doubt with an annoyed expression painted across my face. I'd rather be anywhere else but here. I'd actually rather be on the rooftop of my house with my best friends by my side as I wait for the fireworks, but that's not going to happen. For the first time in ten fucking years that's not going to happen. Lifelong traditions often get thrown out of the window when you add new boyfriends into the mix. But this is a first.

"Oh cheer up, Kells." Jenna whines appearing beside me.

She's a little drunk, everyone is, everyone but me.

"Look how happy he is!" she exclaims, pointing to Vic who is grinning widely as his boyfriend talks to someone. Vic doesn't seem interested in the conversation but more so in his boyfriend. His arms are wrapped tightly around the man and he rests his head on his shoulder.

The sight makes me feel sick. His happiness is exactly the problem.

"I want him to be happy with me, Jen." I mumble.

I'm well aware of how childish and grating my brooding and whining has become, but Jenna never seems bothered by it, which is probably only enabling me further.

She sighs and kisses my cheek.

"Just tell him how you feel, Kells." she murmurs.

"That's not an option anymore." I say regretfully.

I stop talking when I notice Vic and his boyfriend are walking towards us.

"I'm going to go find my gorgeous girl." Jenna grins, leaving my side to track down her girlfriend, Tay. It's likely just an excuse to exit this impending interaction before I inevitably make it uncomfortable.

I remind myself to be polite but it's just so damn hard. They've been dating for only three months and he's already managed to get my best friend to move out of our house. He takes up all his time and he's changing him into a person I don't know and like.

I know I'm being unfair. This is how I act whenever Vic gets into a new relationship. But I love him and it hurts to see him with someone else. Although, this is all my fault. I should have told him my feelings years ago. But I could never risk losing him. It's obvious that he doesn't see me like that.

Vic drunkenly throws his arms around me, grinning as he does so. Things have been so off between us lately, but the alcohol seems to have cushioned that awkwardness.

"Kellin! I've missed you so much. You never spend the holidays with me anymore." he whines. "You skipped Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas! I'm starting to think you hate me."

"Well New Year's is our day so I thought I'd show up." I mumble.

"It is! Oh, Carter did I tell you how Kellin and I spend every New Year's together?" Vic says turning to his boyfriend.

"You sure did, Babe. You never shut up about Kellin. I can see why." Carter says. His eyes flick over me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, but I really just don't want to be perceived by this guy.

"He's so great Carter." Vic grins and I blush. Stupid, drunken, meaningless words, and he still has me flustered.

Vic finally releases me from his embrace and holds his gaze on mine before he suddenly seems to realize something.

"Oh, Kellin, I forgot! You haven't met Carter yet! You've been so busy." Vic exclaims.

How I managed to avoid meeting my best friend's boyfriend for three months is beyond me but I'm a little impressed with myself. Just a few strategic lies about my work schedule, and a ton of excuses to miss dinners or events and voila, here we are.

"Carter, this is Kellin, my best friend in the whole wide world. Kellin this is Carter, my boyfriend." he chirps. Hearing Vic say 'boyfriend' with that cheesy smile and sing-song tone in voice feels like someone just rammed a screwdriver into my ear.

"Nice to meet you." I mumble, failing to crack a smile, despite consciously trying to. Look, I'm doing my best. This just sucks.

"You too." he grins, then he turns to Vic. "I'll go get us drinks and let you catch up with your friend."

I want to butt in and correct him, tell him it's 'best friend' but at 25 years old, it seems ridiculous to make that distinction. Besides, I feel Vic and I slip further and further away from that status as each day passes.

Vic grabs Carter's face and kisses him, sending an invisible dagger right through my stomach. THIS is why I've been avoiding this. It hurts. It physically hurts.

Carter thankfully steps away, finally leaving Vic and I alone. He turns back to me seeming ecstatic. And my lungs sink in my chest, because he really does seem happy, and I want that for him more than anything, I do. I just wish I had something to do with it.

"What do you think? He's cute, right?" he grins.

"If you say so." I shrug. Vic and I have never had the same taste in guys, but I have a particular dislike to anyone he's actively dating. It could be the hottest guy in the world and I'd still be repulsed by his face.

"You slept together yet?" I ask, trying to sound casual but its anything but. If Vic wasn't drunk, he might have caught on.

His eyebrows furrow in confusion as he tilts his head and chuckles. "No? We have a vow. No sex until marriage, remember?"

"That's my vow." I roll my eyes. "You're free to do whatever you want."

He pushes my shoulder gently. "Don't be silly. I said I was with you on that, and I'm with you. Its been this long, no way I'm backing out now. Besides, it's like a litmus test, weeds out the assholes."

"And he's cool with that?" I ask in disbelief. Quite a few of relationships have ended over this, and yet, he won't budge. Which is ridiculous, because it was my vow, I didn't want to have sex until marriage because of how bad my parents royally fucked up, and when I told Vic this, he jumped on board in solidarity. I never expected it to last, he doesn't have the motivation I do, but because it meant a lot to me, he decided it meant a lot to him.

"Yes, he totally understands. At least thus far anyway. Besides, love means compromise, right?." Vic grins.

I nearly choke at his words.

"Love? You love him? Don't you think that's a bit fast." I ask feeling sick in my stomach.

He shrugs and turns to look at his boyfriend who is carrying a drink in each hand as he carefully makes his way back over to us.

"Not really. We've been dating for three months now and we've moved in together. I love him." he shrugs. I wasn't aware love was a checklist. Date for three months, check. Move in together, check. Must be love.

But I keep my thoughts to myself, in fear that he might elaborate. I don't want to hear about how compatible they are or how Carter makes his heart skip a beat when they kiss. I just nod, and let silence linger in the air until Carter returns.

"One for My Love. And one for My Love's friend." He says, trying to hand me a glass of something. I almost correct him this time, 'best friend' but there's more pressing matters at hand.

"I don't drink." I say coldly, arms crossed in front of me, annoyed by the assumption.

I watch Vic's eyes widen as he cups Carter's ear and quickly whispers into it. Carter's eyes fill with forced sympathy.

"Oh, I'm sorry about your parents." Carter says.

Great, now Vic has just told this random guy that my parents are alcoholics.

"Don't be. You don't know them and you don't know me." I mutter. And you don't know Vic.

No one could know Vic like I do.

"But it's just one drink, Kellin. Try it." he grins encouragingly.

I shake my head annoyed and frustrated. I take the glass from him and sit it on the table behind me with a collection of other drinks.

"I think I'm just going to go home. I'm not feeling well." I sigh. "I'll see you around."

Vic throws his arms around me once again, spilling his beer on my shirt. I'm not upset though, I could never be upset with Vic.

"I know there's something wrong. And when I'm not so drunk, I'm going to talk to you about it." Vic whispers, not very quietly.

He kisses my cheek then pulls away.

"Happy New Year's, Kell." he beams.

I just smile sadly and nod before I leave the bar.

I get into my car and rest my head on the steering wheel, feeling stressed, saddened and overwhelmed.

I hear the fireworks begin to go off so I look up at them. My heart aches as I think of Vic.

"Happy New Year's, Vic." I whisper, then I start the car and go home.

The house doesn't feel lively when I enter. It hasn't since Vic moved out just a week ago.

I'm practically all alone constantly now with Vic gone and Jenna always being at Tay's house.

That mixed with the depressive state I've been in ever since Vic got a new boyfriend, has left me with the inability to sleep.

So I spend all night mindlessly watching infomercials and eventually the morning news.

Jenna didn't come home, which I was expecting. Tay doesn't have housemates so they can fuck at her house.

Surprisingly, Vic enters the living room around 10am with a tray of three drinks. He probably still has his key.

"Hey Kells, you don't look so good. Late night?" he asks, sitting next to me on the sofa.

"Didn't sleep." I mumble. "How's your hangover?"

"Killing me but it'll pass. Why didn't you sleep?" he frowns.

"It doesn't matter." I mumble.

"Of course it does. Now tell me." he says.

"I just haven't been able to sleep since you left. The house is so quiet and I feel so alone." I admit.

He takes my hand which brings tears to my eyes. I turn away from him so he doesn't see me cry.

"You're not alone, Kells. You can see me any time you want. I feel like you've been avoiding me for the last three months." he frowns.

"I haven't." I lie. "You just spend so much time with Carter and I don't want to get in the way of that."

"You could never get in the way, Kells. Carter is important to me but you're important to me too. We do spend a lot of time together and I'm sorry I moved out but we're in a relationship. It's normal to do those things. You understand that right, Kells?" he explains.

I sigh and nod.

"Yeah, I understand."

"I knew you would." he beams. "But just because I care about Carter doesn't mean I'm going to care about you any less."

I smile at that and nod again.

"Okay, well I'm going to go. I have to take Tay and Jenna some coffee. Tay is not doing well." he sighs.

"Is everything okay?" I ask concerned.

"Someone slipped something into her drink last night. Like a date rape drug or something." he says.

"Why would anyone do that?" I ask shocked.

"She thinks she accidentally drank someone else's drink but she's not sure. Pretty scary though. But I'm glad she's okay." he says.

I nod in agreement.

"Oh, nearly forget. This is for you." he smiles, handing me a drink. "It's hot chocolate because you're a weirdo and you don't like coffee."

I giggle and thank him.

He kisses my cheek and I feel a little awkward.

"Maybe you shouldn't do that anymore. You have a boyfriend now." I point out.

He frowns confused.

"Why? It wasn't a romantic gesture before and it's not one now. We're just friends. It's fine." he says brushing it off.

His words hurt though. The truth always hurts.

He soon leaves, leaving me feeling worse than I felt before and I decide to just let my mind slip away into dark places, not really caring enough to fight it anymore.