Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Wait…”

Cold cruel water that was slipping through his ribs, it was everywhere — it filled every part of his weak, injured body.

“It's too deep…”

The pliable sandbed that was sucking him in, deeper and deeper, was clinging to his feet, not letting him escape — and to see the endless blue sky.

“You should never go swimming alone!”

The dim light was melting in the freezing water column and slipping through his fingers, turning into a simple memory — an illusion of the past. An illusion of happy, carefree times he spent with people who meant to him way more than it.

Maybe, they were his meaning… ?

“You don't want to drown, do you?”

They were the reason hidden in the depths of the cold. Somewhere, where water could fill the lungs and break the bones, turning the guts inside out — from the fear of death to the experience of inevitable loss…

“Dzushi?”

??:?

“Ha-a…!”

Scaramoche’s eyes are wide open in terror when he sharply raises on his bed. Almost jumping to his feet, he parts his lips in an attempt to take a breath of air while his mind is going numb from lack of oxygen.

He takes deep, ragged breaths, pressing his hand to his heaving chest, trying to calm down the relentless beating of his heart, as loud as the ringtone of his phone. Grabbing the phone, the boy taps on its screen in an attempt to turn off the alarm ringing painfully in his head. The usual sharp pain he feels every time he wakes up from a nightmare.

“Fuck…”

Raiden puts away the phone and closes his eyes, trying to calm down not only his trembling body but also his mind, reliving images of his bad dream: the cold water, the sandbed and the white light. And the familiar voice…

It happens all the time…

He always has dreams like that: he sees him drowning, crushed by cold water, not trying to escape as if finally accepting his fate. And every time, after having this nightmare, he wakes up in a cold sweat, struggling for air as if he has really been underwater…

I failed again…

Scara catches his breath and opens his watering eyes that haven't yet got used to the soft light of his half empty bedroom. The room seems blurred as if it was a spoiled watercolor painting, his surroundings are so transparent and dull, almost shapeless and with no outlines…

The time…

Scara shudders, realizing what time it is. It is the last chance to get back into reality and finally come to his senses. That's why Scara makes an effort to turn to the side to find his phone…

17:00

Damn…

He realizes that he has slept for more than ten hours, having fallen asleep only in the morning. The boy gives a tired sigh, finally accepting the fact that his routine is fucked up despite all the attempts to improve it before the start of the school year.

This problem is inevitable for every student on a summer break — it's the usual order of things that is often tried to be fixed at the end of August. Especially if the upcoming school year is a senior one — the year of stress and exams.

Does he have… the same nightmares? 

Scara runs his hand through his slightly damp hair and puts away his phone again, then raises to his feet and walks to the large window that takes a lot of effort to be opened. Even though there is a modern climate control system in his apartment, Scara still opens the windows not only to take a breath of fresh air, but also to listen to sounds of the city…

The sounds of the highway, of cars and of the lively streets — it helps him to get back to his senses and serves as a proof that he hasn't lost his mind and that he isn't surrounded by the lasting nightmare…

It would be funny, but he probably isn't bothered by something like that.

Scara walks around the room, trying to find something to occupy his thoughts and the alarm comes to his mind. And only now, when he has finally shook off the remaining drowsiness, he realizes that he has set the alarm for five o’clock so as not to oversleep the meeting with his friends.

Today is the last day of summer, the end of the summer break and the beginning of the new school year. It is the same as the previous ones despite the fact that Scara has moved to a new place — to the luxurious spacious apartment that Nahida gifted him.

If only Scara knew how her offer to “move closer to the school” would turn out, he would never accept it. And the unpacked boxes in his room are the proof of it.

Does he know where I live?  

A whole week has passed since Scara moved in, but he hasn't gotten any closer to getting used to this place. Unlike his friends who have been looking forward to taking a look at his cool and spacious apartment and to stay here for a sleepover since the moment they heard the news.

For a whole week Raiden has been denying them, making excuses and telling them he is tired and not ready to have guests in his new apartment, but there is no point in fooling them anymore. Moreover, Lumin is back from her vacations and Scara sincerely misses her since they haven't met since the beginning of the summer.

Keeping in mind the purpose of the alarm set for five o'clock, Scara reluctantly heads to the bathroom. He has about half an hour before Ajax, Aether and Lumin arrive and make a mess of his apartment, or, at the very least, thoroughly explore it…

Will he come here one day?

While Scara is turning on the lights in the bathroom, while he is walking barefoot on its marble floor, while he is taking off his clothes, while he is taking a shower and trying to shake off the remaining drowsiness, the usual thoughts are racing in his mind. The reminders that the new students lists will be published this evening (the students are assigned to different classes every year) and musings about whether he has time to make coffee before his friends arrive or not.

After shower, Scara dries his hair and goes to his bedroom to find some suitable clothes in his wardrobe that is almost empty after moving to the new apartment. There are a few t-shirts on the hangings, one black jeans Scara wears every day and some white shirts for school…

How often will I see him this year?

While Scara is looking through the contents of the wardrobe, he suddenly hears the ringing of the doorbell announcing the arrival of the “dear guests”. That's why he hastily dresses up and rushes out of the bedroom to open the door and let his friends in. It is impossible for them to enter the building without his permission: they need a key card or permission of one of the residents to do so. And Scaramouche finds it so unusual, even strange: there are too many doors and difficulties in this place…

“Scara! Hi!”

As soon as his friends have taken the elevator and made it to the apartment, Scaramouche faces Aether who rushes to hug him. He is so painfully cheerful and friendly which is a big exception in Scara’s close circle of friends.

Actually, his choice of friends is really peculiar since all of them happen to be extremely extraverted. Lumin is a top student and does sports, moreover she has been fond of camping for the past couple of years.

Her twin brother Aether is somewhat careless, he is keen on photography and makes his friends accompany him to various events and exhibitions.

And finally, Tartaglia, the loud reveller who attends swimming classes and…

Fuck…

“Hi! Here you are, shortie,” Tartaglia follows Aether to greet Scaramouche, “Holy hell, why is this so cool,” Ajax declares after having looked around, “Why didn't you invite us here earlier?”

“He didn't want to see your smug face before the school starts,” Lumin answers for Scara and follows Tartaglia, muttering something, offended by her remark, “Hi, Scara,” she smiles at him, ignoring Ajax, “Are you okay? You look sleepy.”

“Hi,” Riden finally answers her, letting his friends into the apartment, “I have just woken up half an hour ago.”

“So… Do you have problems with your sleep schedule as well?” Aether inquires while hastily taking off his sneakers.

“Dude, I have been trying to go to sleep earlier for a week too…” Ajax joins them.

“It's because you play some shitty ass games until the Sun rises and then sleep all day,” Lumin rolls her eyes and follows Tartaglia to enter the apartment…

“Fucking awesome…”

…Is the first and only thing Tartaglia says after entering his friend’s apartment: it's so spacious, and light, and has a beautiful city view. It's expensive and somewhat luxurious but very modern, so there's no gold and other fancy stuff in its design.

“It's so spacious !”

The second to enter Scara’s penthouse is Aether who pushes his sister and spreads his hands in the middle of the hall like a child, stunned by the size of the gorgeous apartment.

“Wow…”

The last one to enter Scara's new apartment is Lumine. She looks as stunned as everyone, but the gaze of her wide-open eyes is a bit worried…

“Is it really Nahida’s gift?” Scara has been wondering about the same thing for the whole week, since the moment Nahida handed him the keys… He still can't believe it…

“Yes, she said this apartment was mine,” Scara answers with no sings of joy on his face and leans against the decorative wall in the middle of the hall, “I wanted to refuse the gift, but I couldn't,” he says frankly while watching Aether and Ajax run around the spacious living room, making photos of its interior and stumbling over boxes that Scara hasn't unpacked yet.

“The apartment is so big…” Lumin exclames, watching the rooms.

On the one hand, she probably just shares her opinion, but on the other hand… Scara knows that Lumine is a bit worried.

“Scara, is there a balcony here?” Aether is carrying his phone around while making photos of the luxurious interior of the apartment to post them in his socials. Scara and the other friends are used to this quirk of his since they know that Aether adores filming for his popular blog.

“The balcony is here,” Scara nods to the glass door of the loggia and Aether and Tartaglia rushes to open it. The boys continue filming something while commenting on the beautiful view of the city.

“Let me guess, you don't really like it here, right?”

Scaramouche tenses up hearing Lumine's question: he isn't surprised by her being so insightful. Actually, one doesn't need to be a genius to understand that for Scaramouche, who spent his whole life in the bedroom of a small house, it would be impossible to get used to living in a big, spacious apartment, especially since he's living here… all alone.

“Scara…”

Lumine's voice interrupts Raiden’s musings and he turns to the girl with a dry “it's okay”. He probably can't trick her into believing him but at least he can let her know that he doesn't want to talk about it.

“Well,” the girl accepts it, respecting his feelings, “but you know that these two won't let you alone until there's a party in your apartment, right?” Lumine nods at the boys on the balcony with phones in their hands… What the hell are they doing there?

“I know,” Scara shrugs — it's obvious that Aether and Tartaglia are going to throw a grandiose party, with alcohol, loud music, and everything a typical teenage party needs to be talked about.

It's not that Scara is against it… Even though he spends most of his spare time at home, he likes going out and socializing: he likes going shopping with Lumine or accompanying Aether to modern art exhibitions.

It distracts him from the dark thoughts that follow his every step.

“Aether, come here,” Lumine rushes to the balcony door and calls her brother, trying to distract him from his phone while he is editing photos or something…

“Lumi, the view is amazing…” the boy says dreamily, “look,” he comes closer to his sister and shows her something on his phone, “I absolutely need to take a photo of the night view…”

“You fucking have to…” Ajax assures him.

“But not today, please,” the girl looks at her friends and nods to Scara, “ Let's go to the coffee shop instead.”

“What? But why?”

“It's too early to leave…”

“While you were running around, you didn't even notice that Scara hadn't unpacked all the boxes yet,” Lumine chuckles and heads to the door, “So there's no party for today.”

“Wait, and what about the lists?” leaving the balcony, Aether reminds them about the new students lists that will be published today at six o'clock on the school website, “We wanted to discuss them together...”

“Fine. We’ll go to the coffee shop across the street and discuss them there,” Lumine suggests while dragging Tartaglia to the door.

“Oh, so that's the coffee shop you’ve wanted to go to for a while,” Aether remarks to Ajax while Lumine is pushing him to the balcony door. It surely looks hilarious but Scara is used to his friends’ quirks… Frankly speaking, he’s even happy that they haven't changed at all. Aether is an adventurer, addicted to his phone, Lumine is a leader and a manager, and Tartaglia is just being himself. As always.

“So, let's go to the coffee shop,” Aether agrees, “Scara you're going with us, aren't you? I have so much to show and tell you about,” — he hints at some funny stories and his summer adventures.

“Okay,” Scara agrees, pretending to be bored. Actually he likes going out with his friends…

“Wait, Scara, what's this…?”

While they were heading to the hall to put their shoes on and leave the apartment, Ajax catches sight of some strangely shaped piece of furniture covered with thick black fabric.

“That's a grand piano,” — the boy shrugs indifferently since he's got used to it being here.

“A grand piano?!” Aether exclaims, “And why is it here?”

Scara looks at the instrument, shakes his head and says something that describes everything in this apartment: the atmosphere, the furniture and himself:

“I don't really know why it's here.”

17:56

“Even desserts are pretty here…” Aether cries in delight and looks closely at the cakes and the cheesecakes on the coffee shop display. The boy has been trying to choose a pastry for five minutes already and his main criteria is “photogenicity”. Aether is always like that — until he takes a perfect photo, they won't leave.

“I’ll get us a table,” Scara is too bored so he takes his coffee and goes to the coffee shop hall to find a free table. It isn't too crowded, but there are still many visitors here — especially in his opinion since he hasn't left the apartment since he moved in.

Scara isn't a typical hikikomori introvert, he’s just been really busy for the past few days…

If only he could know where he was now…

He finds a free table by the window, checks his phone and finds out that the lists will be published in a few minutes. It doesn't really bother him: even if he and his friends are in different classes, it won't be a problem. But he is still reloading the page waiting for something…

“What’s this? Have they already published the lists?” after a few minutes Lumine comes to the table. Scara silently shakes his head and the girl puts her coffee on the table and sits on the chair next to him. 

“I hope I won't be appointed as a class president this year,” Aether comes a few minutes later and slumps down on the chair with a groan. 

“You said you liked being a class president,” Lumine chuckles, sipping her coffee.

“I thought it was prestigious, but it took too much time and effort,” the boy sighs watching Tartaglia coming to the table.

While his friends are sitting down at the table and chatting about the lists, and Aether is taking photos of the dessert, Scara is constantly checking his phone, reloading the page…

What do I want to find out?

“The picture is crap,” Ajax exclaims watching Aether editing the photo of the cake, “You’d better publish the last one, it’s lighter.”

“Ajax, if you know nothing about photography, you’d better keep your mouth shut. The tone of that photo is different from the one I’ve posted earlier,” the boy frowns at the irritating words of his friend.

“Have you already posted something?”

“Yeah, the photo of the display,” the boy says and shows him the the photo of the coffee shop: the turquoise exterior, the large transparent windows, some decorations and low, neat bushes.

“Your ability to take photos of everything around you never ceases to amaze me…” Lumine says and notices Scara relentlessly scrolling through his phone…

“Scara…?”

But he doesn't pay attention to his friends since he's way too occupied with the fucking lists…

“What's that?!”

“Have they published the lists?”

His friends grab their phones to load the page and find their names in the long students lists as soon as possible. They all want to be in the same class. Scara is the only one who doesn't care about it…

“Oh!” Aether exclaims as he is the first one to find his name in the lists, “Lumine and I are in the same class. Tartaglia and Scara are in the same class as well, and… Oh…”

What…?

Raiden hears his own name and freezes as he sees the very familiar name in his class list…

No way…

“What's up?” Tartaglia inquiries and notices Aether's worried, almost scared look he gives his friends…

It can’t be a coincidence… Can it?

“Oh shit…” Tartaglia exclaims and casts a worried gaze at Lumine and Scaramouche who is rereading the name in the list for the tenth or maybe for the hundredth time with his eyes wide open…

Kaedehara…

“Kazuha…?”

Lumine says the name out loud and it sounds like an omen to Scara who anxiously turns to his friend to find an answer to his questions, but…

He meets her worried, astonished gaze, pointing at something behind his back, at a large open window behind him…

What…?

Scaramoche turns around to look at it and freezes on the spot, overwhelmed by anxiety and fear…

There is just the window’s glass between him and this person… The person who occupies his thoughts, who makes him get lost in endless, suffocating questions.

Am I really that guilty?

Passing the window, he freezes on the spot as well, and the pink rays of the setting Sun colors his white, messy ponytail. They colour his calm, carefree features: his beautiful face and his red glistening eyes.

No way…

It's really him — the person Scara sees in his dreams. He follows him everywhere: both in sleep and in reality, he refuses to disappear and turn into a memory…

Is it really you…?

Scaramoche feels he's going insane: he has just heard the name and now the person is in front of him. Maybe, it's just an episode, a sick fantasy generated by his crazy mind…

“What is he doing here?”

But the reaction of his friends serves as a proof that… Kaedehara Kazuha is perfectly real.

18:10

“What is he doing here?” Lumine whispers to the boys and leans to them. She has also caught a glimpse of Kazuha entering the coffee shop. He is accompanied by his many friends even though Scara doesn't initially pay any attention to them.

“That's a good question,” Ajax chuckles quietly and looks at the company entering the coffee shop hall. Kazuha, as always, is surrounded by many people: his classmates and his best friends, Heizou and Xiao.

“What a lucky day,” Tartaglia rolls his eyes and says the same thing everyone thinks right now. Because Kazuha is the most popular guy in the school, he is a top student with a perfect reputation, and his appearance means there's going to be a crowd of his friends and classmates around. As well as girls trying to get his attention and other people who want to become his friends.

And besides all the good qualities he possesses (that include him being handsome, charismatic and smart) Kazuha is extremely popular due to his special status. He is a professional swimmer and will bring glory to their school…

And this person lives rent-free in Scara’s head.

“Let's get out of here until it's too late,” Aether suggests to his friends and looks at Scaramouche who sits quietly with his head down as if he wants to disappear. He still refuses to believe that Kazuha is here — in the local coffee shop and at the moment when he has just learned that they are in the same class for their senior year.

He probably isn't happy with this news.

“Oh! What a coincidence!”

But it's too late to run away because one of Kazuha's friends notices them and loudly greets them, waving his hand and smiling. Shikanoin Heizou, one of Kazuha's closest friends.

Fuck…

“Oh no…” Aether sighs and puts on a friendly smile to reciprocate Heizou’s greetings. It's not that the guy is irritating, it's that Scaramouche’s friends don't want to communicate with Kaedehara and his friends due to some very unpleasant past experience

“Kazuha, would you let me pay for you?”

When the crowd comes to the bar counter, one of the girls offers Kazuha to pay for him, but he politely refuses her offer. It seems that Scara is the only one who pays attention to it because his friends are busy cooking up various excuses to leave the coffee shop as soon as possible. They don't want to talk to Kaedehara and his friends, there are many reasons for it, but the main one is Scaramouche.

“Scara, I’m going to distract them,” Ajax interrupts his musings, “We will talk about sports stuff and shit.”

“Sports stuff” is swimming classes. Both Kazuha and Ajax go to the same club and see each other nearly every day.

“No need,” Raiden refuses his offer and takes his cup of coffee, “It's okay. You don't have to do anything,” he says, trying to convince his friends that there's no need to jump to their feet and run away just because he has some conflict with Kaedehara.

It's not really a “conflict” though…

“Are you sure?” Lumine leans to the boy and asks him, “We really can just go away. That's alright.”

There is so much care and concern in her voice that Scara feels touched — he doesn't want his personal problems to affect his friends. They haven't seen each other for the whole summer break, now they are his guests and they suggested to him to go here. Why should they run away just because Kazuha is here too…?

“He-ey, can I join you?”

Scara hasn't even answered Lumine, but Shikanoin is already here and he smiles brightly at him. He is a funny and smart dude, but unluckily he is always accompanied by Kaedehara.

“Ah…” Aether mutters and looks at Scara who answers with a nod, “Yes, of course,” he finally tells Heizou.

“Fine!” Shikanoin exclaims happily and calls some of his friends to come here.

Scara doesn't look at them because there's definitely going to be Kazuha among them.

It would be impossible for him to talk to Kaedehara or look at him. It's not that he’s shy or scared, it's that Kazuha will not reciprocate his efforts, he will be as cold and indifferent as always…

“What are you doing here?” Ajax inquires, watching Shikanoin, Kazuha and Xiao sitting down at the table while the rest of their company are sitting at the next table.

“We were in school, waiting for Kazuha to finish his workout,” Shikanoin answers him and nods to a girl who brought him a cup of coffee. Unlike Kaedehara, he doesn't hesitate to take advantage of his popularity. Well, not actually his, but his best friend's.

“How are you all doing?” Heizou asks them but they seem to be a bit confused.

“We are just hanging out together,” Lumine answers him even though her words are not exactly true. Probably, she doesn't want him to know that Scara lives near the coffee shop. 

“And you decided to go to this coffee shop?” Shikanoin is insatiable with his questions.

“What’s wrong? The school is near, and we wanted to discuss the lists…”

While they are chatting, Scaramouche is studying the pattern of his coffee cup: it's really pretty and it distracts him from his silly thoughts and anxiety.

He tries to soothe himself and get rid of the thoughts that Kazuha is watching him. It can't be real but sometimes he feels the look of his scarlet eyes on him.

Probably, Scara is just going insane and imagining things, as always.

He would never look at me. He hates me.

If only Scaramouche knew the reason, if only he could find the answers to his questions…

“Are there any serious competitions this year, Kazuha?”

“Yes, I’m going to practice every day.”

“But we have exams this year too.”

“I worry about you…”

“Oh no, it's all right.”

Scaramoche can barely hear their dialogue. He can only distinguish some phrases and some familiar voices. Scara doesn't want to understand what they are saying, he’s too overwhelmed by his unpleasant emotions. He doesn't know why he feels that way. Why is it so hard for him to be near Kazuha? He's so kind, so friendly, he’s so charismatic, and his smile is beautiful…

Why does it bring him so much pain? Why does he always occupy his thoughts? Why can't Scara just…

Fuck, fuck…

Kazuha made it clear to him a long time ago: there could never be anything between them. And the reason is not that Kazuha is straight and that he doesn't like guys, he just…

Why do you hate me so much?

If only Scaramouche knew why it turned out this way. If only he could talk to Kazuha for the first time in the last three years…

“I think the coffee is no worse than in the cafe near our school.”

“Really?”

“Of course! Ajax knows everything about that cafe. He's always hanging out there.”

Scara tries to show some interest in their conversation from time to time so as not to be a complete pathetic fool. He even answers a couple of their questions, but he tries to avoid any communication with Kazuha at any cost, but the more he talks to his friends… the harder it is to control himself.

“Have you seen the lists?”

“Yeah! Lumi and I are in the same class.”

“Xiao is in your class too.”

“What…?!”

It's so fucking hard — to pretend to be calm when there's a hurricane of emotions inside of him. Scaramoche hates his feelings and tries to get rid of them. But it's impossible — at least when the person you like, love, and obsess over…

He's so beautiful, he’s so amazing…

“Is it true that Ajax and Kazuha not only attend the same swimming classes, but are in the same class in school as well?”

“I’m not really happy about that.”

“Oh, me too, Ajax.”

“I don't give a shit, at least we are in the same class with Scara.”

Raiden hears his own name and looks at happy Tartaglia. Of course Scara can answer him back or tell him something sarcastic, but…

“I see.”

The tone of Kazuha's voice and his ambiguous words stops him…

“What a pity.”

It's not only his cold and indifferent voice, but also the glance he gives Scara — it's so apathetic, so freezing, it has changed from the red velvet to the blood spilled on the snow…

He looks at Scaramouche for a moment — and it's not the usual kind look he gives his friends…

Raiden knows that he feels nothing but contempt towards him.

Why? Why do you hate me so much?

It's unbearable: it's so unfair, so painful, so suffocating that he wants to cry, to scream, to grab Kazuha and demand the answers to his questions.

But Scaramouche just… puts up with it. He has been putting up with it for the past few years. He endures the hurt and resentment. It's always like that when he meets Kazuha…

I know that I’m to blame, but…

“Scara…?”

The boy hears Lumine’s voice and shudders, then he looks at her and sees that everyone around him are somewhat worried.

Everyone except Kazuha…

“Your lips are bleeding…” Lumine says quietly and looks at them, making Scara touch his lips reflectively. Now he realizes there's really a metallic taste of blood in his mouth…

Damn…

“Sorry, I need to go out,” Scara tries to hide his confusion, covering his lips with his hand. He mutters something to his friends and rushes to the bathroom but at the last moment he turns to the doors of the coffee shop hall and prays his friends don't notice him.

He can't bear it anymore. He can't be in the same room with the person whose gaze made him bite his lips so hard that they are bleeding now…

I’m so sorry…

He rushes along the street and sees nothing except the cold wind blowing in his face. Scara wants to keep calm, he doesn't want to cry, doesn't want to feel despair and recall all those memories again. It happens every time he’s in pain and lonely.

He always soothes himself with illusions, with memories of the good old days they spent as three best friends…

I’m so sorry…

But Scaramouche knows he should accept the fact: Kazuha hates him. No more heart-to-heart talks, no more confessions, no more promises — they are only two of them now and it will never happen again.

I want you to be here so much…

While Scara is waiting for an elevator, while he is closing the the apartment's doors, while he is sitting on the floor and hot tears are running down his face, while he is crying out loud in pain, he thinks about one thing…

It's so useless and transient: the nightmares, the damned apartment, the school, the lists, the friends and the loud chatting…

It's all so unbearable, so useless and so dull. So… alien to him.

And it's the best answer to his main question.

Why do you hate me so much?

He ignores him, he pretends he doesn't understand but…

Hisahide.

He knows the reason. 

Chapter Text

“This trimester you should choose your speciality — and what university you are going to enroll in...”

The teacher is standing at the pulpit in front of the class, muttering something and constantly touching his small glasses. The students are not just bored, they are literally tortured by his monotonous voice. The last minutes before the lunch break feel even longer, and tired teens are constantly looking at the clock and cursing silently.

Everyone’s glaring at the teacher as if trying to tell him that nobody cares about the specialities lists and other bullshit except him.

Almost everyone.

Scara is sitting at the back of the class and isn't thinking about mr. Misato, the long, painful minutes or anything that bothers his classmates.

Raiden’s only thinking about how he should stop staring at Kaedehara who's sitting in front of him.

No, you shouldn't look at him…

Scara has only been in the same class with him for two days, and he has already got some serious problems. If Raiden isn't occupied with his studies, he can't fight the sick desire to stare at Kazuha's back, just like he's doing it right now, while the teacher is explaining something to them…

“You must submit your applications this year. Oterwise, the commission will submit it for you.”

Scara tried really hard to distract himself with something, anything: he was watching the white clouds slowly float in the sky, he was clicking the mechanical pencil and doodling something in his notebook, but…

Fuck…

No matter how hard he tries, he can't resist the temptation. He likes watching Kazuha’s shoulder muscles move, and he has the shoulders of a professional swimmer — wide and strong. He finds it interesting to watch Kazuha slightly shake his head and scribble something aimlessly in his notebook and the veins on his wrist tense up…

And he finds some special pleasure in contemplating the swaying of his long fair hair…

His hair is probably so soft…

“I want to remind you that you must choose your extracurricular activities. Club activities are mandatory for high school students.”

It's awfully unfair and so unbearable, but Scara has no other choice but distract himself and try not to think about Kazuha, about his arms, his shoulders, or his voice when he answers the teacher…

“In a few days you should choose your extracurricular activities. If you have a hard time with it, you can turn to me or other teachers for help.”

Scara doesn't listen to the teacher, he lies down on the desk and closes his eyes to take a deep breath and make sense of his thoughts. The lunch break will start in less than a minute but these last seconds are the most difficult for him.

If only it would end…

Right now he is literally fighting the urge to raise his head and turn to him…

I want to take a look. I want to take a look at him so bad…

Scara bites his lips and shuts his eyes in a attempt to distract himself from everything: the classroom, Mr. Misato, his voice and… the thoughts and Kazuha…

What if he's looking at him right now? It is possible, isn't it?

As soon as Scara opens his eyes and turns to Kaedehara, the bell rings.

“That's all for today. Don't forget to take the forms in the teacher’s after lunch.”

Finally…

The students bow and say goodbye to the teacher, and then start chatting and putting everything in their bags to leave the classroom and go to the cafeteria as soon as possible.

“Hey, Scara, hurry up!” Tartaglia puts the supplies in his bag on the go and calls Scara who has completely forgotten about him. Raiden always forgets that he is in the same class with Ajax since he is either preoccupied with his studies or Kazuha. There's no other way.

“Stop being so loud,” Scara answers his impatient friend coldly and follows him to the hall. Scara doesn't think about anything except escaping this place so as not to look… not to look at…

Don't look at him, don't look…

But right at the doors he gives in and looks in the direction of Kazuha 

He...?!

In this short moment Scara suddenly realizes that his scarlet eyes meet his own: they are full of quiet contempt with no sign of confusion or question as if Kazuha has been waiting for this moment.

Why…

This meeting is nothing compared to everything happening around him, but…

Why… Why are you looking at me like that?

…It's another reminder of his endless hate for his existence.

17:03

Scara spent the long school day in agony but now it finally ends with a melancholic evening. He can finally feel the long-awaited freedom — and he inhales it with a cold and pleasant evening air.

After school Scara usually goes somewhere with his friends and hangs out with them until late in the evening. It's usually some unremarkable place: their favourite small café on the corner of the street or swings in the park where they smoke, drink soda or eat ice cream if the weather is good.

But today it's really unfair that Scara is the last to leave the school: the twins have already been drinking coffee in the coffee shop for some time, and Ajax is about to finish his classes in the swimming club. Scara used to wait for him in the pool where he also had a quick look at Kazuha, but today… Raiden can't physically handle another meeting with Kaedehara.

Because now there's… too much of him in Scaramouche's life.

Scara texts to the twins in the group chat that he has left the school and is now heading to the café and strolls to the school gates to leave the yard. There's a small possibility that Scaramouche will meet Ajax passing sports club buildings where the pool is.

There are plenty of sports club buildings in the school yard and students hang out there until late in the evening. Scara used to attend swimming classes in the past as well, but for some reasons he had to quit, and now… when he has to choose his club activities (and it's mandatory for every student in the school), Scara doesn't have the foggiest idea what classes to attend. He has an idea: he can go to the artist who takes classes in the art club, but actually Scara isn't that interested in art. He isn't interested in any sports as well and of course he isn't fond of science. He hasn't even thought about his future after graduation. Does he want to study something further? And even if he enrolls in a university, he…

Scaramoche’s musings about the future suddenly get interrupted by the ringing of his phone, and when he takes it out of his pocket he sees a message from Ajax.

Ginger, 17:06

«Hey, sweetie, you are still in school, right?»

When this bastard calls him sweetie or other affectionate nicknames, it means he needs something from him.

Scara, 17:06

“What's up?”

Ginger, 17:06

“Aah, can you go and pick up my stuff? I left my sneakers in the locker room. I have the classes in the morning so I need them.”

Scara, 17:06

“Are you fucking nuts? Go and get your stuff yourself.”

Ginger, 17:06

“I can't. I’m already in the coffee shop with the twins.”

“Pretty please, I’ll buy you coffee.”

Scara sighs, curses at Tartaglia and texts him “well, fine”, then he puts the phone in his pocket and rushes to the pool building. It's not hard for Scaramouche to help his friend, he just doesn't want to solve Ajax problems because he constantly finds new ways to get in trouble…

It doesn't really matter though, Scara doesn't even care, he just…

Damn…

As soon as Scaramouche comes to the high glass pool building, he freezes on the spot, realizing that…

He can meet Kazuha here, can't he? There's always a possibility, right?

The thoughts cause a sharp pain in his chest and a wave of worry and anxiety. Scara doesn't really know why the possible meeting with Kaedehara bothers him so much, especially since Kazuha may not be here at all…

Scaramouche hasn't learned Kazuha's new schedule this year, even though last year he learned all about his classes and club activities and knew where exactly Kazuha was every minute of his day. But Scara gave up on the idea realizing it was literal stalking and… almost creepy.

Since he has stopped keeping up with Kaedehara’s personal life, he doesn't know where he is right now, and he fears that he can accidentally meet him…

On the other hand, when Scaramouche enters the building he thinks about sneaking into the locker room without going to the sports hall at all.

The idea is a little bit odd, but pretty realistic since it's forbidden to enter the sports hall in outerwear even though nobody follows the rules.

Scara goes upstairs, passes the sports hall doors and rushes to the locker room. He keeps close to the walls so as not to attract any attention even though there is nobody in the sports hall except a trainer and a boy he is scolding.

Scara isn't interested in that at all and doesn't listen to their voices, he sneaks into the male locker room, closes the door and makes sure there is nobody around. Reliefed, Raiden rushes to the row of lockers, looking for Ajax's name. All the lockers are labeled and most of them are locked, but thankfully Tartaglia’s bag is on the floor next to a bench.

“Bastard…” Scara mutters in irritation, comes to the familiar bag and picks it up. He throws it over the shoulder and heads towards the doors, but…

He comes up with an absolutely crazy idea and he has to pay attention to it…

What if he tries to find Kazuha's locker? 

On the one hand, the idea is absurd and insanely insolent, but on the other hand… Will he have such an opportunity ever again? He’s not going to steal or damage anything, he will just take a look at the contents of Kazuha's locker, if he hasn't locked it, of course.

Scara realizes he can't get rid of these obsessive thoughts and decides to take a look at the row of lockers to find his name… And soon he sees it on the furthest locker. It's the closest to the doors and the second in the row, in the well lit part of the room. 

Scara comes to the locker and takes a close look at it, rereading the cherished name on the label that has become a mantra to him. He finds Kazuha's name really beautiful and suitable — it's so majestic, and reflects his personality perfectly.

Scara plucks up his courage, reaches to the locker’s door, pushes it slightly, and to the boy’s great surprise and amazement… It opens easily.

Really…?!

Scara waits for the door to open, staring at the contents of Kazuha's locker. It's in perfect order: there's some stuff arranged on the shelves, a book, and…

“What are you doing here…?”

What…?!

In the blink of an eye Scaramouche freezes on the spot and hears the cold familiar voice behind him….

No, no, no…

Scara shudders sharply and faces the person he has not only been afraid to meet, but also deliberately avoided and tried to get rid of the thoughts about him…

No way…

Kaedehara stands silently at the shower’s doors, in a few inches from Scara, and glares at him with anger and indignation.

Fuck, fuck, fuck…

The intent, predatory scarlet look burns Scaramouche, and he clings to the wall in fear; Kedehara's sudden appearance is nothing compared to the main problem…

Handsome…

Kazuha stands in front of him in wet swimming trunks, almost naked.

He's so handsome…

His whole body: wide shoulders, sculpted collarbones, strong, confident chest, flat stomach and veins on his hands — it's all covered with drops of water outlining his body…

“Stop staring at me, Raiden!”

The voice echoes in the silent locker room and hits him like a slap on the face, he can't breathe anymore, he can't live, he can't function…

Please, forgive me, please…

Scara feels his mind melt and his body gets heavier under Kazuha's intent look — it's so heavy he can't move. He wants to turn away, he wants to escape this place, he wants to disappear, he doesn't want to see hate and contempt in his deep darkened eyes…

You're so handsome… so handsome…

Scara fervently shudders in bewilderment, he tries to turn away, to cover himself and hide somewhere, he tries not to look at Kazuha, at his body, his face, the expression of deep disgust on it…

Please, forgive me, please…

But it's literally impossible — he can't just turn away — his fingers are numb, his legs and head ache, and he wants to bang it against the wall to harm himself, to stop feeling all of this — all the chaos and terror of his thoughts…

Are you afraid? Tell me? Are you afraid?!

Scara bites his lips and tries to get back into reality to finally stop staring at the bewildered and confused naked boy who used to be his friend, his everything (actually, he still is), his first love, his first dream, but now…

There’s nothing left, except memories.

Please, don't look at me like that. Please, don't look at me…

The metallic taste of blood on his lips and slight pain make Scara come into his senses — and the short moment is enough for him to bolt and rush to the entrance. Away from this place, away from everything that's sucking him into the abyss…

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…

He rushes along the corridor on his weak legs, almost staggering, not knowing where he goes. He runs as fast as he can — until there's no air in his lungs and no thoughts in his head anymore. It's painful, it's hard to breathe, his lungs are literally burning, his head is squeezed as if it’s about to break like glass…

Wait, just wait a little…

Scara runs out of the building and leans tiredly over the ground, while his body is trembling as if he's having a panic attack, even though nothing serious has happened at all…

It’s gonna be alright, it’s gonna be alright…

He wearily sighs and closes his teary eyes, he can only see blurred ground…

I can endure it, I can handle it, I can…

Scara tries to soothe himself and inhales fresh evening air. It's barely enough, but despite the taste of blood on his lips, the salty tears and headache, he still tries to rise on his feet, to straighten up and take a few steps.

He has to go, he has to get home… He has to do anything to be away from this place as soon as possible. He’d rather die than let Kazuha find him…

It doesn't matter. Who cares? Everything’s gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay.

“ No…! Don't do it!”

Among the heavy clouds and black stones polished by seawater there is someone’s hoarse voice, breaking into desperate scream…

“ Open your eyes, please, open your eyes!”

He cries for help, he tries to save his body from the depths of freezing hell: it lies lifeless and colourless on the ground, like a dead corpse, like the stones washed indifferently by the roaring sea.

“ Look at me, please, look at me…”

His voice is trembling and tears are falling onto the face of the person lying under him — he will probably never answer him again…

“ Don't go, please, don't leave me…”

In the agony of unbearable pain eating him away he calls for the person looking through the skies — like the shadow of his hair covering his face.

“ Please…”

Like the shadow of hot tears, like the shadow of embraces and regrets, like the shadow of remorse and pain, like the shadow of quiet pleas.

“Don't leave me… Hisahide.”

19:03

The moan leaves his bitten lips and makes him open his eyes in fear and see painfully bright light.

Scara’s head is heavy and aches because of the nightmare and horrible mental breakdown. He can't even move in his bed…

He tries to get used to the silhouettes of the room and the fading light of the setting Sun, shining through the large window. Scaramouche tries to find his phone on the bed because he remembers that before he had passed out from exhaustion, he texted Tartaglia to come here to get his stuff.

Of course Ajax tried to find out what happened and why Scaramouche ended up not coming to hang out with his friends in their favorite café, but Raiden answered him with a short “I feel like shit” and threw the phone on the bed.

Because of stress and tiredness Scara couldn't spend another few hours in the company of his friends pretending to be okay. He can't even get out of his bed, not to mention going to café or hanging out with his friends.

Scara knows that Tartaglia and Lumine won't leave him alone, and tomorrow his friends will ask him plenty of questions, that's why he should come up with a realistic story of how he collapsed on the way from school or how something else happened to him…

Fuck all this shit…

The boy lazily reaches out for his phone to check the messages and finds some texts from his friends, including Ajax, who texted him that he would come to him after nine in the evening.

Scara checks the time on his phone and sees that there's about two hours left before his friend’s arrival. He can hardly get out of his bed, but does it nevertheless even though he can't keep his heavy head straight, it’s constantly tilting from exhaustion.

Scaramouche sighs heavily, lowers his gaze and finds out he is still in his school uniform, wrinkled horribly after sleep…

Oh fuck…

He feels so incredibly awful: his whole body aches, his head aches too, his guts burn from stress and probably huger.

When did Scara eat last time? He didn't even has lunch in school because he wasn't hungry, and now the questionable decision causes nagging pain in his stomach.

Raiden finally gets out of his bed and thinks about taking a shower, then he would do the laundry and cook dinner, but…

His thoughts about household chores are interrupted by the sudden loud ringing of the doorbell…

What…?

Someone's ringing the doorbell persistently as if trying to let him know that he has arrived, and he succeeds in it.

Scara takes the phone, gets out of his bed and tries to guess who it can be. The only realistic idea is Ajax coming earlier than he told him 

Scaramouche texts his friend that he is a moron and that he should’ve come later, and then he hurries to the hall. But while the boy is coming to the hallway and taking off the wrinkled shirt, he receives a text from Ajax who says he is still in the café with the twins…

Scaramouche reads the last sentence the moment he is opening the door, and…

“Hi.”

...Sees the tall blonde man who looks so calm and detached that Scaramouche freezes on the spot.

He didn't expect this person to visit him at all.

“Alhaitham?”

Scara faces his step-brother standing in front of him with a big paper bag in his hands, and feels so anxious and confused that it shows on his face…

“Why is he here?”

“Mom asked me to check on you. You didn't answer her phone calls,” Alhaitham informs him calmly so the boy doesn't need to ask him any questions, “She asked me to bring you some food and ask how you’re doing.”

Scara hears this pretty realistic explanation and gives a sigh of relief, feeling less anxious. Actually, Haitham isn't that scary or frightening, he just… Scaramouche doesn't trust him.

Alhaitham is Nahida's native son, and he is a perfect human being: he’s twenty three and has a degree, works in a good position in the same company with his mom, he’s athletic and popular among girls. And the only bad quality he possesses, his arrogance, doesn't even seem to be that bad. On the contrary, deep down Scaramouche envies him and his success.

He's successful in every field: in school, in work, in personal life and in many other things — and Scara has fucked up everything.

“Mom said you didn't like sweets,” Haitham finally breaks the silence and goes into the apartment. He quickly passes Scaramouche, takes off his shoes and goes to the living room adjacent to the kitchen.

“I bought you some vegetables, fish and soba noodles. I hope you know how to cook it.”

Scara closes the door and watches the visitor come to the table and put all the groceries on it. He's completely confused and just watches his step-brother who doesn't look interested in everything he’s doing right now…

“Thank you. I will arrange everything myself,” the boy says and for some reason it feels extremely awkward. It's probably because Alhaitham is so immaculately rational and proper he doesn't fit Scaramouche’s reality at all. His constant headaches, wrinkled clothes and…

“Why is the fridge empty?” the young man opens it and inquires, because there's indeed almost nothing in the fridge. It doesn't bother Scara at all: he eats very little, he usually has lunch at school or a snack with his friends in the coffee shop. That's enough for him.

“What are you doing?”

Scara asks him because he notices Haitham taking photos of the half empty fridge on his phone.

“I’m documenting the fact that I’ve visited you,” Scaramouche’s step-brother answers him coldly and then turns to him, “Mom's worried about you. She asked me to check if you're doing alright.”

“Then you shouldn't take photos of my fridge and complain about it to make her even more worried,” Raiden answers him quickly, “That’s a stupid thing to do.”

This fake care from his “family member” feels so uncomfortable, Scaramouche didn't even ask for it. Actually, Alhaitham isn't really enthusiastic about doing all of this: he’s just fulfilling Nahida's request.

“Pushing away the person who cares about you and tries to make your life better, that's a stupid thing to do, actually,” Haitham tells the boy calmly and comes to him closer, “You should be a little more grateful to Nahida for her care and at least start answering her phone calls.”

Scara knows that Nahida called him a few times last week, but he doesn't really want to talk to her…

“I have to go,” Alhaitham interrupts the boy’s musings and suddenly takes a small piece of folded paper out of his jeans' pocket.

“What's this?”

“I don't know, Nahida asked me to give it to you,” he says dryly and looks at the doors as if wishing to leave this place as soon as possible.

“If you need some money, tell me, don't bother Nahida such things,” Alhaitham tells him, waves him goodbye and quickly leaves Scaramouche’s apartment.

He leaves the boy in the middle of the hall thinking about many nasty things: self-pity because of this situation with his foster family and desire to scream on the top of his lungs from exhaustion and injustice.

Scara has never asked Nahida for money, he has never asked her to buy him this apartment, and of course… he has never asked his step-brother to bring him some food.

It's so humiliating, he feels so much disgust towards himself. Scara feels like a scapegoat, like a weak pathetic boy who doesn't fit in this perfect family…

Fuck…

Scara holds the paper in his hands and is about to tear it apart, but suddenly he decides to unfold it and take a look at another humiliating shit this moron gave him…

What…?

But instead of a bill or something like that Scara sees the post notification with his name on it but sent to his… old house .

The notification of a small parcel with no waybill or other details. There's only the address, the name of the recipient, and the name of… the sender.

Kaedehara Hisahide.