Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“It's best if you go back, Paul.”

Dean Martin sat in a chair, slumped down, the side of his head resting in his hand. His headache had eased off a little since Jerry had made him take a couple aspirin.

“I just don't want to, Jer. I know you're right. It'd look really bad if I didn't.”

“It's why you gotta go.”

“Why did I even marry her?”

“Because you don't care.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Look, she's beautiful, she followed you everywhere you went, she, uh, to be decent about it, she gave it to you.”

Dean looked confused but before he could say anything, Jerry chimed in, “Sex, bubbe. She gave you all you wanted.”

“Oh yea. She did.”

Jerry laughed, shaking his head. “You're so dense, sometimes.”

Dean went from the chair to lay back on the couch in Jerry's home office. It was late, almost midnight, but neither could sleep. Jerry thought it the best thing in the world that he got to be with Dean like this. Maybe he should tell him.

Dean closed his eyes, trying to make the remnants of his headache disappear.

“I love having you here.”

“Sure ya do, so you can talk me into going home.” Dean opened one eye to peek mischievously at his partner.

“I don't want you to go” Jerry had taken on a serious tone, not looking at his handsome partner.

Dean opened his other eye to look to see what was the matter with his crazy other half. “What the hell, Jer. You tell me I have to, then you tell me you don't want me to go. You're worse than a dame.”

Jerry pouted for a few minutes more. “Can I help it? Whaddya want I should do?”

Dean smiled, affectionately. “Keep thinkin the way you think, baby.”

“Just sayin the truth is all.”

“You want me to stay, but then, again, you want me to do the right thing.”

Jerry stood up and shoved his hands in his pants pockets and walked over to the couch. He picked up Dean's legs and shoved them out of his way, sat down and Dean stretched his legs out on Jerry's lap. “Do the right thing.”

“Was hoping you'd say ‘stay’”

“Wish you could just marry me. It'd be so much better.”

“I don't think that's kosher”

“S’not even accepted.”

“Course not.”

“It would be so much easier.”

“Sure, baby.”

Dean was getting sleepy, Jerry could tell. He was just letting him talk.

“Say, Paul. You really don't wanna go back?”

“Mmm”

“Come on Paulie, talk to me.”

“Jer, it's after midnight. Gettin a little tired.”

“You was wide awake while ago.”

Dean sighed and stretched and pulled his legs off his partner's lap.

“Ok you win. What you wanna do?”

Jerry scooted over and kissed Dean on the cheek. “I dunno. Just sit here beside you.”

“I'm right here, Jer.” Dean chuckled and patted the spot beside him. “Now what's the matter?”

“I don't know bubbe,” Jerry scooted back over to his side of the couch, “I sometimes feel like I'm losing you.”

“Now Jer. Why do ya think that for? We're pals, ain't we?”

“Yea we are. It's just…..well I don't want you to ever leave. I like you being here….but..I know you gotta do the right thing or it's gonna look bad on you and I couldn't stand them talking about you.”

“Why you care so much?” Dean's voice was gentle as if he was talking to a child.

Jerry stammered, “You know why.” Dean was the only person who had ever had the ability to embarrass him in private, of course, because Dean would never do that to him in public. He had knocked out enough punks who've tried.

Jerry loved Dean when he was like this, all caring and gentle

“I think I do.” Dean put his arm around Jerry's shoulders. “I'm not leavin you, pal. Not til I die….. I promise.” Dean reached out and lifted Jerry's chin and turned his face towards his own. Dean smiled and Jerry melted.

“Ah, bubbe.” He threw both his arms around his partner's middle and just laid there, like it was his property.

Dean laid his hand on Jerry's head and caressed, then ever so lightly, leaned down and deposited a baby kiss on his head. “You know how I feel about you.”

“I do, but this has spoiled me, having you here like this. I don't want you to leave.”

“Let's ask Patti about that.”

“Patti loves whatever makes me happy. She really really loves you.”

Dean laughed out loud. “Come here.” Jerry did as he was told and Dean held him while Jerry buried his head in Dean's neck. “Lay with me?”

“Gladly”

Dean lay back and pulled Jerry down with him. They lay on their sides face to face, Dean's arms around him, Jerry's wrapped around Dean's waist.

“Hmmm, you feel good.”

“You too.”

“You lock the door?”

“Yea.”

“Good.”

Jerry kissed his chin and Dean caught his eyes. They both knew what the other was thinking.

“Right here”

“You crazy? Patti's upstairs.”

“But Deanie, we'll be quiet.”

“You? You've gotten us thrown out of at least two hotels… and that's just what I remember!”

Jerry snickered, “Remember the little fat guy in Chicago? He was red as a beet.”

Dean guffawed, “You were such a bad kid sometimes. You told that guy a wild animal was loose in our room!”

“It was true!”

“It was not! I'm not a wild animal!”

“I was talking about me bubbe.”

They both convulsed in a fit of giggles.

“He believed us!”

After they had calmed down, they lay quietly, listening to the beat of the other's heart.

“Paul?” Jerry whispered in Dean's ear, afraid of breaking the spell. Jerry loved when Dean was gentle and sweet with him. It was becoming more rare with each anniversary they celebrated as a team.

“Ummm.”

You ever noticed that my heart beats in unison to yours?”

“You're crazy. You got a murmur. That messes with the rythym.”

“I know I got a murmur but it's true. Listen.”

“Ok whatever you say, baby.”

“You'll see.”

Five minutes passed when Dean lifted his head and looked, heavy lidded, at Jerry. “Sure does, don't it, pal?”

“Told ya. Guess we have to stick together or else my heart might not work right. See, you can't ever leave me. I'll just die.”

“Jer why ya worried about me leavin all the sudden? I wouldn't leave you. I couldn't.”

“Just a feelin I been havin. It scares me.”

Dean strokes Jerry's face, wondering what's in this boy's head. Mostly he could read his mind but not tonight. He's just too far away. Dean knows what he needs, reassurance. The poor kid can never get enough of it.

“I love you, y'know.”

That did it. Jerry buried his head in his favorite spot in the world and cried it out. He gets so emotional, Dean thinks.

“Hey now. Whatcha doin down there?”

He could hear Jerry sniffling. Dean silently stroked his back, giving him time to get it together. He really did love this boy, he has since he first laid eyes on him.

“M’ok now.”

“My baby.”

Dean held him close and ran his cheek on the top of Jerry's head. Dean's rhythmic movements,and Dean's heart beating in unison to Jerry's, put Jerry to sleep. Dean didn't have the heart to wake him. Jerry's soft weight beside him was so comforting. Maybe he could stay just one more day.

~~~

“Cut!” As soon as the director said it, Dean left the studio. He had a recording date and then a party for his daughter. Why today of all days does she plan a party? She knows how busy we are, but it is his daughter. She's gonna be nine. He wondered briefly what nine year old girls like? Dolls? Who knows. Jeanne can take care of that. She's a girl.

It was almost seven when Dean walked through the door. He knew he was late from the icy stare she gave him. Not his daughter, she ran to her father and latched on. Dean picked her up and kissed her, “Happy Birthday, baby.”

“Thanks daddy. Look, let me show you what I got.”

“Ok baby. I'll be right in.”

She started upstairs but came back to tell her father something, “Dad, why didn't Jerry come? He always wishes me a happy birthday and he gets the best presents ever. We always sing to each other. Why didn't he come?”

The realization hit Dean like a punch in the stomach.

“Uh well honey, he uh,” Dean started to lie but he couldn't. He stooped down eye level with his daughter, “Honey, I forgot. We've been so busy with everything…no excuse, daddy just forgot.”

“You forgot it was Uncle Jerry's birthday? But it's the same as mine, silly.”

“I know. I feel bad, so bad.”

“You have to make it up to him, just like you do us whenever you miss our birthdays.”

“I will. I promise.”

Dean went into the kitchen to salvage whatever was leftover from the party. His wife was in no mood to talk so Dean just sauntered out after grabbing a piece of cake.

He had never forgotten Jerry's birthday before. God he'll never let me live it down, but he would try to make it up to him. Somehow.

~~~

“Jer! Hey Jer!”

Jerry turned and saw Dean running towards him. He checked his watch, not bad, on time actually. “Paul. Something wrong?”

“Why you say that?” Dean looked at Jerry, warily.

“Because” Jerry laughed. “You're on time, why you runnin?”

“Uh well Jer, the truth is, I just wanted to take you out, y'know.” Dean was clearly embarrassed about something.

Jerry took the pencil out of his mouth and dropped his hands, full of memos and reminders, to his side. Again, that adorable cackle of his that Dean loved so much. That was disappearing too.

“Like a date, bubbe? Because we could definitely do that, but….”

“Jer, damn you, sometimes you make it so hard.”

Jerry shifted the notes to one hand and walked closer to Dean, grasping his tie and dipping his head to look up at Dean's face. “Bubbe? What the hell are you on about, and why are you embarrassed? I've never seen you like this. It's me. It's Jer. Me and you aren't like this. I know your soul, you know mine. Remember?”

Dean finally snuck a peek at Jerry. My, he was gorgeous. Where had the boy gone?

“Listen Jerm. I'm sorry. I forgot your birthday. I've got a million excuses, but none I want to use. All I can say is that I'm sorry.”

“My birthday? Is that what's got you like this?”

“Yea, I've never forgotten your birthday.”

“Just a birthday.”

“Oh quit being so, so, grownup!”

“But I am, bubbe.”

“You're not upset?”

Now it was Jerry's turn to be shy. “Well, maybe a little, but Patti set me straight.”

Dean looked dismayed. “How'd she do that?”

“She just said it was Claudia's birthday and she was your daughter and that she came first and that I should accept that.”

The disappointed look Dean gave wasn't lost on Jerry. “Oh. Sure.”

“We better get to the production meeting.”

“Yea guess so.”

The rest of the day was awkward and Jerry had yet to figure out why. It wasn't like Dean to even care so it really was incomprehensible to Jerry. Dean avoided looking Jerry in the eye, even leaving the set during breaks. He used to hang around and toss a baseball with him or do a little rough housing but he disappeared and Jerry had started to worry.

Jerry sat in his chair on set, waiting on his partner to return.

“Hey sorry.”

“Sure. No problem bubbe.”

The rest of the day went well, Dean had a lot of scenes without Jerry to shoot so Jerry took the opportunity to study his face.

Same beautiful Dino, but the eyes, the eyes are what are different. No playful mischievousness, no message to Jerry hidden from everyone else, they avoided Jerry altogether.

When the day was over, Dean tried to get away as fast as possible. Jerry caught him outside at his car. “Paul. Paul, what's going on and don't tell me nothing, because I know better and the reason you've been avoiding me is you know I know better.”

“Jer, it's fine. I'm fine. It's all ok.”

“What's fine, and what's ok? And look at me. This is all wrong. I feel like you're a stranger.”

Dean makes a move to get in his car but when Jerry clutches at Dean's shirt sleeve, Dean stops in his tracks and looks down at Jerry's hand, so delicate, almost ladylike in appearance and gesture. “Jer, just drop it.”

“Not until you tell me what I've done.”

That did it. Dean felt like a heel. “Jerry, you haven't done anything, boy. It's me.”

“Then please talk to me. I can't stand you being like this. Please, Dean.” Dean now faced him and Jerry gripped his upper arms. Dean's hands came up to rest on Jerry's shoulders.

How was he going to tell Jerry? It's selfish, really.

“I'm, uh Jer, I'm just still upset about your birthday is all.”

“Paul. Stop. It's ok, I'm fine. I promise.”

Dean let his hands fall to his sides and walked away. He reached for a cigarette but came up empty. He turned and walked back to Jerry, took his cigarette and walked away.

Jerry's amusement at the inherent gesture served to lighten the mood.

“Here, just wanted a draw.” He stuck the cigarette back in Jerry's lips and stood and watched him like always. This is what they always did, flirted outrageously. People thought it was all a part of their act, only a few knew it was real.

“Course. Now what's the deal? Come on, Paul, you know I know something ain't right.”

Jer…damn you.” Dean sighed and reached out to straighten Jerry's tie and button his jacket. “Guess I'm a little thrown off that you weren't upset at me for forgetting your birthday. You've grown up, you look fine….real fine. That's all, Jer, see…told ya it's not you, it's me.”

Jerry gave Dean a look of utter confusion. “Paul, so…lemme get this right… you're actually upset that I didn't make a big deal?”

“Yea. Look I'm stu…”

“Paulie, you idiot, I was so upset, I was in panic mode when I got home. I didn't tell the whole story. I was afraid to tell you. I know how you are.”

Dean didn't say anything for a long moment, then he cracked a smile and soon both were laughing uncontrollably.

Dean grabbed Jerry's upper arms and his hands moved up to cup Jerry's face. Jerry's smile faded as he looked at Dean. He brought his hands up to Dean's jacket and fisted the smooth fabric.

“Boy, I swear, you're gonna be the death of me, but you know what? It'll be a pleasure.”

“Oh Paul. You know what I feel for you. It's so real, and so true.”

“I know.” Dean was so gentle and so kind sometimes and if he only knew what it did to me, Jerry thought, he probably wouldn't let me see that side of him anymore. “You're just…I dunno how to say it right.” Dean shook his head and looked away.

“Just say it bubbe, s’all you gotta do, just say it.”

“I guess I'm just selfish. I- well, I'm afraid, Jer.”

“No Dean. You're not afraid of anything!”

“But I am. You don't need me much anymore and it scares me.”

Jerry grabbed his face, almost angrily. “How dare you say that? It's not true! I need you more than I've ever needed anything in my whole life!”

“No Jer, you don't.”

“Paul, I do..I love you.”

“”I know you do. You're always gonna love me, I know that. But you're a man, a real man. You've got a family to take care of, and well, Patti takes good care of you.”

“Not like you. Nobody will ever replace you, not even Patti. Don't leave Paul, please don't. I couldn't stand it.”

“Now wait a minute, it's my turn to get angry. I'm not leaving you Jer. Not ever. Don't even say it.”

Jerry's hands softened their grip on Dean's face, now they were soft and gentle, just like the gooey emotions his eyes signaled to Dean. “We're both a mess. Can't we just go out by ourselves and talk it out. It's how we've always solved everything.”

“Well I thought I asked you out, Jerm?”

“Yea, just didn't want you to feel you had to.”

“I always wanna go with you, don't ever forget it.”

Jerry looked around and when he was sure nobody was around, he kissed Dean square on the lips. “I love you.”

“Ah, Jer.”

“Ah, Jer.” Jerry mocked. The smile he gave Dean could light up the darkest night and it always lifted Dean to heights he'd never felt. How he loved this boy.

Dean's expression softened. “Me too, y'know”

“I know.” Dean laid his forehead against Jerry's and the world stopped. It was just him and Jer, just like always, just like it should be and just like it would be forever.

~~

Hotel room, somewhere in London

“Don't let it bother you , Jer”

“Can't believe the critics would treat us like that. I've got a headache, I'm just gonna go to bed.”

“Come on Jer. The people loved us, those stuffed shirts wouldn't know talent if they saw it.”

“Just tired, Paul. I'm sorry. I'll get myself together and tomorrow, I'll be ol Jer again. Just gotta figure out what we did wrong.”

“We didn't do anything wrong, we were spot on. Our timing was perfect, every gag worked. You were better than I've ever seen ya. Cheer up, ok?”

“Sure Paulie. See you tomorrow.”

“Sleep well, Jer-sy.”

Dean left him at he and Patti's door. Dean loved Patti, but a part of him wishes it was just him and Jer.

The more Dean thought about it, the angrier he got. He's not gonna let them upset his partner like this. He went into the first swanky nightclub could find with some of the boys from the band. He'll make it known how he feels about the London critics. Nobody upset Jer like this, nobody.

~~

Jerry smirked, he couldn't help himself. He knew the sensible, business-like side of himself should be present and accounted for in this situation. He knew he should scold Dean and tell him it's not good for business but he couldn't. Dean was so adorably sweet and Jerry couldn't get past that. The things that got into the papers were things that Jerry wanted to say himself and he might yet, Dean got the ball rolling, kind of opened up that door for Jerry to be the bratty boy he wanted to be.

“Ah, bubbe.” Jerry lay his head on Dean's shoulder and squeezed him. “You're the very best in the whole world. We're gonna finish here and never come back. We'll give em somethin to talk about.”

Dean tentatively laid his hands on Jerry's back, unsure of his reaction but he didn't have to wonder long. Jerry placed his hands on either side of Dean's face and lightly kissed his lips. Dean returned the kiss in a manner that reminded Jerry of their very early years together, right after they laid eyes on one another, and it made Jerry weak in the knees.

Jerry pulled back trying to read Dean's face. Dean hardly ever conveyed anything by talking, it was always written on his face.

Smouldering eyes and a twitch down below told Jerry exactly what he wanted to know, and when Jerry leaned forward to kiss him once more, they were lost.

“Paul?”

“Yes, Jer. Oh yes.”

~~

Jerry eased himself away from his partner, not because he wants to but because he thinks Dean may want him to. Sex is sex, no two ways about it, and he and Dean had always been, since day one, attracted to each other in that way. The second time they saw one another they slept together. They were in love and both men showed it to the other. They could barely keep their hands off each other and people started to talk. It was late 1947, when a trusted friend took them aside and advised them. They had to tone it down for the sake of their careers and their families. They did as they were advised but it became difficult not being able to touch each other in public, especially for Dean, because he had a habit of draping his arm around Jerry's shoulders. It, to Dean, was a possessive gesture, meant to ward off Jerry's admirers. Jerry was his and Dean couldn't stand the thought of anyone else touching him. It was why he always came to Jerrys defense, even if he didn't need him to. He would put fear into the punks who would bother him, and they would leave him alone.

When Jerry did need him, Dean got so violent, he had to be stopped. Mostly people making fun of the way he talked, or the way he acted onstage, or even people who hated Jews. Dean would not tolerate it,and Jerry knew it. Sometimes it really was his fault, he just shot his mouth off one too many times when Dean was around and Jerry knew Dean would take care of things for him. Little shit.

Jerry looked down at his partner, his beautiful Paul. Last night was electrifying. Dean made him feel things he's never felt before, and think things that he thought were impossible. He wanted Dean, and wanted to flaunt it…but he couldn't. He would not ever do that to Dean.

Jerry slipped away from the bed and made his way to the bathroom. He washed his face and started the daunting task of finding his clothing, thrown recklessly around the room.

He found his t-shirt and slipped it on, then bent down to retrieve one shoe hidden halfway underneath the bed. He felt a tug on the tail of his shirt and backwards he tumbled, his back landing across Dean's chest. Dean, like a lithe cat, flipped over and straddled Jerry's hips, while trapping his arms above his head.

“Leaving?”

“Well, thought you might like me to go.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Just don't want you to think you have to do anything for me, y'know, anything else.”

“Jer. Why are you like this? We had this conversation a couple months ago.”

Jerry looked away, not daring to look at Dean's eyes. “You're just so good to me and I don't know, I just think I don't deserve it.”

“You let me decide that. Look at me, Jer.”

Jerry slowly looked back, first at Dean's chest then at his face.

Dean slowly bent down to kiss him on his cheek, then his eyelids. When he pulled back, Jerry saw in Dean's face what he prayed to see. He saw love. When the inevitable tears fell, Dean took over.

“Here, now, what's this?”

“Nothin, nothin at all, I just love you so much. I couldn't ever do without you, bubbe. It scares me everytime I think about it.”

“Then don't think, baby. Just know.

Jerry nodded his head and as Dean leaned down and kissed him, Jerry fell in love all over again.
~~

Dean saw the way he acted, he saw the silliness, the craziness, the flirtiness around the men. Dean went along with it, because it was all a part of their act, to be outrageous. The nonsense is what made them, but not only that, it was the affection and love they had for one another. He's fawning over them, laughing in their faces, and they have their hands on him. Dean wanted to leave, he didn't want to come anyway. Award ceremonies weren't in their contracts. Why does Jerry always do this? He obediently puts on his tux and takes his place beside him, only to wish he could leave and never come back, but he endures it because this is his partner and he wants to be with him and it's required of him, and he doesn't want to leave him alone.

Three shots of brandy later, Jerry was on top of the world. Not drunk, but feelin no pain. He wasn't a drinker but indulged sometimes but only with Dean around. He just felt a bubble of protection around him, and could do no wrong.

“C'mon, Jer, let's get outta here.”

“Not yet. Can we stay a little longer please?”

Jerry's eyes bored into Dean's. Beautiful hazel, but that really wasn't the beauty of them, it was what Dean could tell about him by looking. Everything in Jer’s eyes was a result of a feeling, an emotion. Dean swears he can see clear through to his soul, sometimes. Dean knew he was tipsy and was afraid Jerry was going to say something out of the way, resulting in a fight, and unnecessary, and unwanted press.

“Jer, let's me and you just go somewhere else. We can talk and just be alone together with nobody around.”

“Oh Deanie, that sounds so good. Really? Just me and you?”

“Just us, pal.”

“I love you, you know that?” Jerry was being a little loud, probably not realizing it.

“Yea I know it, but hold it down. You're too loud.”

“I don't care if people know that I love you.”

Jerry put his arms around Dean and smacked him square in the lips.

“Jerry! You can't do that here!”

“No way I'd put up with that idiot the way he does,” came a voice Dean didn't recognize. Thankfully Jerry didn't hear it so Dean let it go, though fuming, and itching to get his hands on the person who said it.

“I'm sorry bubbe. Just got carried away is all.”

“I know, Jer. C'mon, let's go”

“Good idea. I'm not feelin so good.” Jerry lays his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean hears a snicker from behind and he instantly knows Jerry did too.

“What're ya laughin at, fella?”

“You, ya weirdo.”

Jerry didn't have a chance to respond. The man was on the floor instantly, holding his jaw, nose bloody.

“C'mon,!” Dean pulled Jerry out of the fancy hotel and down the street and in the lot where his car was parked. Once inside, he sped away. He knew it wasn't really Jerry's fault this time, but still this boy exasperated him. “Ah, Jer. What am I gonna do with you?”

“I didn't do nothin Paul, really I didn't. That guy was laughin at me. I had enough of that growing up. And he called me a weirdo. For what?”

“Guess cause you were a little too close to me. Some people don't like that, Jer.”

“I wasn't doing anything to him, I was doing it to you.” Jerry looked over at Dean. “Why'd ya hit him for?”

“Jer, you know I don't let anybody talk about you like that.”

“You love me just a little bit dontcha, bubbe? Jerry sounded and looked a little drunk but he was so cute, Dean couldn't resist.

“You know very well I do.”

“You better straighten up before I take you home. Patti will skin you alive.”

“I don't wanna go home just yet.”

“Well what you wanna do, pal?”

“I dunno. I think I'd just like to be with you for a little while longer.”

Dean laughed, “Haven't you got enough of me today?”

“No. I wanna little more.”

“You know we gotta show up for work tomorrow.”

“Sure we do. We've been out later than this….” A random thought made Jerry's heart sink, and his stomach do a flip flop. “Bubbe, you tired of me? You don't want this anymore?” Jerry motioned between them.

Dean pulled the car behind one of his favorite bars and shut the engine. He turned to Jerry's panicked face, “Jer, it's not that at all. In fact, the feelings I have for you are stronger than ever, but Jer, I'm getting a little age on me y'know. I need rest.”

“You need rest, a lotta rest. Let's plan a trip, just us. Like the beach or we can go to Alaska or something, where nobody could ever find you. I wouldn't ever let them find you.”

This kid, Dean swears, was made to test his strength, willpower, and patience, all at the same time. Dean shakes his head at the sweetness of this boy. “ Beautiful idea, baby. Now when are we supposed to embark on this magic carpet? And better question, how?”

“We just leave. It's really simple.”

“When you put it like that, I guess it is, but remember we're smack dab in the middle of a film. We've got a tv show to rehearse for and do, we've got a string of nightclub appearances starting in three weeks, that is, if the picture is finished, and a personal appearance tour to end the year.”

Jerry's dejected face always does something to Dean. “Yea guess I got carried away. Me and you haven't been anywhere together in a while.”

“I lived with you for a solid month, Jer.”

“And I loved every minute of it. But I just miss when it was just us. We had so much fun.”

“Guess we kinda grew up.”

“Not me, bubbe. I'd never grow up on you.”

“Yea?”

“Yea. I'd never.”

“We'll see about that.”

Jerry scooted over to Dean and kissed him on the cheek and promptly fell asleep.

“Ah Jer. What am I gonna do with you?” Dean kissed his head and headed home.

~~~

The man with the slicked back hair looked like a real mobster to Jerry, so why was he working in the lighting department at Paramount? And why was he giving Dean so much attention and the better question is, why is Dean so taken with him? Probably just an interesting fella, Jerry thinks.

The director calls for a break to set up the next sequence. Jerry went to his chair which was seated beside Dean's. He waited for him for a few minutes and still he didn't come. He thought he had went to the men's room but he should have been back by now.

“Hey” Jerry calls to one of the script girls, “Have you seen Mr Martin?”

“I think he's over talking to the new guy in lighting..very interesting guy. He's been around the world just about.”

“Oh really? Why's he working here then?”

“Just trying to settle down, he says.”

“Oh he has a family?”

“No, he's a bachelor.”

Jerry's heart fell all the way down to his feet. “Oh”

Jerry turned back around, not knowing what to think or what to feel. A few minutes passed and when the director called for everyone on the set, Dean was right there beside him. Dean was spot on, perfect timing and was attentive to Jerry like always, but Jerry knew something was off, he was being too much, too attentive and too perfect. In response, Jerry was off, and people noticed.

Dean looked over his shoulder at his new friend and Jerry swears he winked at him. His heart fell again and the ugly stab of jealousy shot through his body. He hated it, but he would not let Dean see him cry. He ran off the set, and hid in a corner like an animal, cornered. He heard Dean call out to him but pretended not to hear. As soon as he could gather himself, he went back, hopefully acting like he always does, hoping Dean didn't notice. The day went on pretty much the same, between breaks, Dean would hang out with the new guy. Jerry stayed to himself, trying to pretend it didn't matter. When the director finally called it a day, Jerry went to find Dean to see if he wanted to get dinner, but what he saw hurt his heart. Dean got into the passenger seat of a sleek sports car that Jerry had never seen, and without looking back, sped away.

Chapter Text

“Hey Paul, you want I should pick you up or is Jeanne comin?” The film had wrapped and the whole cast and crew had planned a big celebration at a very popular Beverly Hills restaurant. Dean had been overly attentive to Jerry since the day a few weeks back that he went with his new friend for a ride in his sports car. Jerry knew something wasn't quite right with Dean but didn't push it after that day. Jerry had asked where he went but that's all he would say, that he'd just went for a ride. Jerry knew better because he had waited at the studio on Dean, but after two hours, he left and found out the next day he and this new guy had tied one on.

Jerry asked no more questions. He had heard from crew members that his name was Benny and he was from New York and he had been all around the world. Jerry couldn't figure out what Dean liked about him. He was nice enough but there was something about him Jerry didn't like. For one, he laughed at things he shouldn't laugh at, like when the producer's secretary almost fell down a couple steps going out the back of the studio. Jerry wishes he would move on.

“Uh no Jer, I'm good. I'll see ya there, ok?”

“I'll tell Patti to get our housekeeper to watch the boys. She'll want to come if Jeanne's goin.”

“No Jeanne's not comin. Benny's comin by to get me.”

Dean didn't look Jerry in the eye as he announced his intent on showing up with somebody else.

Jerry was at a loss for words, so he only said, “Oh sure Paul. I'll, I guess I'll see you around.”

Jerry quickly walked away as Dean's hand grabbed at his sleeve. “Hey Jer! Where ya going? I was gonna say we can maybe have lunch tomorrow?”

“Sure. Just call me.”

“Sure thing, buddy.”

Jerry strode off, leaving Dean standing, and watching his partner walk away.

~~

Jerry stood with some executives from Paramount, scanning the crowd for Dean. He doesn't know what to think or what to feel. Dean's new pal had really made an impression on his buddy but Jerry couldn't say the same for himself. He knew one thing… This man was not too fond of Jerry, and he didn't know why. He had barely said two words to him. Dean hadn't introduced them… another mystery. Jerry felt Dean slipping away from him, and Dean couldn't deny it this time. Benny was older than Jerry, maybe even older than Dean, and very sure of himself, suave, a man of the world type fella. Jerry circulated, stopping long enough to joke with the cast, and wish everybody well.

Finally, Dean walks in with his friend by his side. He drew a crowd, everybody being introduced to the mysterious Benny. Jerry tried to push back against the ugly and unwanted stab of jealousy that came to the surface, but failed miserably. They both looked so handsome together, just like he and Dean did…or used to.

Jerry heard Dean call his name and Jerry found himself not wanting Dean's company. He feels hurt and just wants to go lick his wounds.

“Jer,they Jer, didn't you hear me?” Dean had made his way through the throng of people, blocking Jerry's get away.

Jerry stops but doesn't dare let Dean see his eyes. “Uh yea, just had to go to the men's room.”

“Ok, see ya when you get back?”

“Yea,” Jerry says without emotion.

He watches Dean slip back through the crowd and disappear. This Is our night, Jerry thought angrily. How could he do this? Jerry shook his head , wanting desperately to go home.

He manages to duck Dean for the next hour, electing to walk outside for some air. Jerry leans against his car and lights a cigarette. He blows a plume of smoke upwards, and closes his eyes. He hears a man's voice, obviously trying not to make any noise, “come on, let's leave, I'll make it worth your while.” Jerry hears a rustling sound, kind of like the sound of two people embracing, kissing maybe. Jerry decided he'd better leave, lest he embarrass anybody, including himself. As he grinds his cigarette out with his heel, he hears a familiar voice, too familiar, “I bet you could.” And then, “let's go to my apartment.” Jerry couldn't move, it was as if an invisible force kept him rooted right there. It was then that he broke free, that same force that kept him from moving, moments before, pushed him in the direction of that familiar voice, the only voice in the world that he'd recognize no matter what. He walked behind his own car, following the breathy voice of his partner, “mmmm,” Jerry heard. His feet sped up, desperately wanting to find his partner. Finally behind a car, parked next to the fence separating the restaurant from the neighboring business, was Dean and the man Jerry had grown to hate. Dean had his arms loosely clasped on Benny's side, with Benny kissing Dean's neck as Dean returned the kiss with fervor. Jerry gasped, eyes wide open, heart pounding. He stepped back and tripped. Dean's eyes flew open to see his partner sprawled on his back. He quickly backed away but it was too late. Jerry had seen with his own eyes, the unfaithfulness, and Dean had seen with his own eyes the deep pain he had caused. Jerry quickly recovered, stood up and ran away.

“Jerry!” Dean called his name but stood rooted to the ground, already regretting his decision. It was 1947 and they both had promised the other that there would not be another man for either one of them. Women were a different story. They were just a fill in when they couldn't be together. They had promised, and Dean had broken it. Jerry felt the weight of the world crash in on him, and Dean wasn't there to push it back, and he never would be again.

~~

Thank God they had a break. Their latest film finished, and two whole weeks of nothing to do. Jerry told Patti two days afterwards that he needs to get away alone. He told her it was about Dean, but gave her no details. So he packs a bag and drives away, to somewhere but here. He didn't know where he was headed, he just drove far away from Dean. He didn't know how he was gonna face him, but he would figure it out, even though he's never had to do it before.

Jerry drove, not having any destination in mind, he just wanted to be away from people, and that's not like him. The only person in the world he would ever want to be alone with is the one he's running from. Jerry drove straight up the coast, his mind a whirlwind of emotion, wanting to cry, and not feeling anything at the same time. He drove and drove until he reached Carmel, where they had both stayed together during one of Dean's many fights with Jeanne. Dean needed him, and he was right beside him. Why can't he return the favor? Jerry needs him now, this minute. He needs Dean to tell him it was all a mistake, that he didn't see what he thought he saw, and that he loves him.

He finds a room and throws himself on the bed and cries until nightfall. He finally falls asleep with the image of his partner, head thrown back in the throws of passion calling another man's name.

~~

He hated the night, but what was he to do? He couldn't control it, couldn't hold it back, couldn't make it stay daytime. He'd dreamt of him three straight nights, all the same dream, Dean's face as he called another man's name. He stayed busy during the daytime, reading, sitting on the beach, exploring, but alone. He wanted Dean so badly. He had to stop this if he wants to keep him. Dean is a grown man, who can do whatever he wants. Jerry was just sore that he doesn't want to do it with him anymore. The only way to achieve this is to pretend without his heart breaking into a million pieces, and without Dean finding out, but Jerry knows he can't. He loves Dean and won't give him up without a fight, but Jerry knows what would help him most of all, and that was for Dean to tell him face to face that he doesn't feel the same way anymore, then maybe he can move on. They could still work together, after all, they're professionals, they could fool anybody, and Jerry thinks, maybe one day, he could fool himself.

~~~

“Finally found you” Benny walked into the bar to find Dean sitting alone, nursing a drink.

“Yea.”

“What's wrong, Dino?”

“Nothins wrong.”

“It's something. I haven't known you very long but still…”

Silence from Dean…..”I haven't heard from Jerry. Patti said he took off”

Benny laughed, “So? He's grown. You're not his keeper.”

“No. Not anymore. He…..look, I've gotta go.”

“Ok I'll go with ya.”

“No. I need to do somethin.”

“Find Jerry. Is that it?”

Again, silence. Dean paid for his drink and left.

Benny had caught up with Dean outside, jogging along beside him. “I'm sorry. It's none of my business.

“It's not.”

“What is it with him? You could do better without him.”

Dean stopped in his tracks, eyes cold, fists clenched at his side. “Don't ever say that.”

“Why Dean? Because it's true?”

“It's not true.”

“He's not talented like you are.”

“You don't know him.”

“No, but I watch him. Always with the attention. He's gotta have it so much, people don't notice you.”

“They notice me fine. Me and Jerry were ok until I…. I screwed it up.”

“He saw us. But that's not his concern. It's none of his business.”

Dean started to say something but stopped. He walked away, hoping Benny wouldn't follow him.

“It's not his concern…or is it?”

Dean turned quickly to face him, “and that, my friend, is none of your concern….just drop it.”

“Sure Dino. We on for tonight?”

“No, I have something I need to do.”

“Sounds important.”

“It is.”

“See ya Dino. And…I hope you find him.”

Dean didn't acknowledge him. He swiftly walked to his car and drove away.

~~

“He just left, Dean. Said it was about you and he had to get away.”

“I'm sorry Patti. Don't worry. He'll be ok.”

“Dean, you know he's never gone anywhere alone. You're always with him, that's why I'm worried. He's not himself. I know there's something between you and Jerry that needs to be settled, or he wouldn't have done this.”

“I'll settle it… If I can just get my h…..” Dean stopped himself at Patti's look. “I'm sorry Patti, I'm not angry, it's just I wish he wouldn't have run off like this.”

“You'll fix it, I know you will.” Patti acted as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't. She clasped her hands in front of her and looked away. Then, as Dean started to leave, she put her hand on his, and looked up at this tall, handsome man, a man that her husband depended on for every non-material thing that any human being needs, emotional support, protection, encouragement, and above all love and devotion.

“Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.”

Patti looked up at Dean, “You know how he feels about you.”

“I do.” It was all Dean knew to say.

“Are you sure, Dean?”

“He loves me, a little too much, sometimes.”

Patti smiles, and turns her head away. “It's much more than that.” Patti walks away from Dean.

“What do you mean?”

“It's hard to put into words. He's so dependent on you, Dean.”

Dean chuckled, “I know Patti, but I can't say it's all his fault. I've encouraged a lot of his behavior. I treat him like a kid, I mean he says and does anything when I'm with him because he knows I'd never let anybody hurt him.

“I'm so grateful for that, but it goes deeper, Dean. He… I'm afraid that if you two ever part, that it would drive him crazy. Dean, I really don't think he understands or has any capacity to think that there would ever be even a remote possibility that you won't always be there. He really is like a little boy when it comes to you. You're his hero. I mean he keeps a picture of you on his nightstand. He needs you and I'm not sure if you……”

Patti abruptly stopped, not wanting to say anymore.

Dean, to Patti's amazement, finishes her sentence. “ …need him?”

Patti turns to him, and nods her head and smiles. Dean steps forward and kisses her forehead. “I've spoiled him in every way possible, Patti, and I can't undo that.” He grabs her shoulders and looks her in the eye, “And I don't want to. In fact, I can't wait to see him again so I can spoil him some more. He means the world to me.”

Dean backs away and heads for the door, leaving Patti Lewis feeling she had a friend in Dean for life.

~~~

“Where are you going?” Jeanne Martin stood with her hands on her hips, a disbelieving look on her face.

“I already told you.”

“Why are you going to Carmel?”

“Just a little vacation.”

Jeanne rolled her eyes skyward, “Always Jerry. You're always doing something with him, going somewhere with him, getting yourself in trouble for him.”

Dean only glanced over at her and continued packing. Jeanne huffed one more time and stomped off.

Dean went out the back door and threw his bag in the back seat. He hated leaving her mad but what was he to do? He goes back in and tries to calm her.

“I'm sorry but I have to find him? He just took off.”

“Dean! He's not your child, he's a grown man! Leave him be.”

Dean knew it was true but how could he just leave him? And how would he tell her why he took off in the first place.

“I know I should, but I can't. I'm the reason he's gone.”

“What's so different about this little tiff? I swear you two are like husband and wife, can't live with each other, but can't live without each other, either!”

“Sure. He's my friend.”

“He's more than your friend, Dean, he's like a ball and chain, always clinging, always needy. I can't figure out why you don't just leave him, it would even help him in the long run.”

“I'm not leaving him!! So just stop!”

“I know, I just can't . I can't get past the feeling that there's more to your relationship with him than just friends.”

Dean was silent, knowing she had suspected something, knowing it could never get out.

“I'm sorry. I really am but I'm not leaving him. You're right about one thing, I know I need to let him be by himself but I promised Patti. I have to make sure he's ok.”

“Ok Dean. Maybe one day, when he decides you're not enough anymore, you'll realize what I'm saying. He's growing up Dean. He's not going to be that kid that you rescued anymore. He's changing. Is that fair to him, to let him believe you're still what you used to be to him? You can't keep him like he was, Dean.”

“You don't think I know that? I'm not ready to let him go, and I know what you're saying might happen, but you don't know him like I do. You just don't.”

“Ok Dean. I hope you can find him.”

With that, she walked back upstairs, leaving Dean to contemplate his future, a fear of being without Jerry hanging over him, mocking him.

~~

Jerry lay on his back after a day of exploring, shopping and beachcombing. He was tired, not because of his full day but because of his cluttered mind. Dean occupied way too much of it. Dean was a man, and so was he. Jerry had thought about that a lot, him being a man. He had been a boy for much of their partnership, but he could feel the telltale signs of manhood. He's more independent, he knows what Dean likes and dislikes, and he handles it. He commands respect at every business meeting/production meeting there is, and his negotiating skills have become topnotch. But…he still craves him, still needs him like he needs to breathe, but the jealousy, that's another story. He has to work that out for himself because it's not Dean's fault, even though they had made childish promises to each other after their first time together in 1947. Why couldn't it be that easy? Just to love one another, without interference, but that all comes with maturity and families and careers, especially careers. Back then, they were just grateful for a chance to make a little money, and then it became more and more, more people, more interference and they had to accept it, or go back to making a buck here and there in the clubs. They accepted it and sometimes Jerry wishes they could just settle down and have regular jobs and be together without the interference. He'd come to the conclusion that nothing was going to get solved here. Why he thought being away from his partner would help, he's yet to fathom, so he will go home and be a man, and forget about the promise they made to one another. All Jerry knows is that he needed him, and maybe that's a sign that he's still not where he needed to be in his quest for complete manhood. Would he ever be? There's one thing that he's terrified of, and that's losing him. He can't, not yet, please not yet, he prayed.

~~

Carmel at night was just like any other small town except it had a charm all its own. Dean instinctively knew Jerry would be here because it had become sort of their hideout, their getaway. The ocean was close by and he and Jerry had lay on the beach many a summer's eve, being lulled to sleep by the warm breeze and gentle sound of waves lapping at their bare feet. The closer he got the more certain he was where Jerry would be. It was late, but not too late to wake him and… and well, Dean didn't know what, he just knew that Jerry needed him.

Dean pulled into the small hotel's parking lot and swerved into the first available space. He gets out and immediately sees Jerry's car sitting at the edge of the lot. Dean smiled, relief washing over him. Dean went into the small lobby, and spoke to the sleepy old man behind the desk. Dean wore a cap, hopeful of not being recognized. He knew the name they always used when they came here and the man recognized it instantly, giving Dean a room number, the one they always requested. Dean raps his knuckles on the door and waits, he doesn't see any lights so that probably means he's laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He knocks again, “Jer?”

Jerry is startled, but not surprised. Dean knew, Jerry thought. He always knows. He carefully unlocks the door and slowly opens it. There, standing in the doorway was his Paul, the one who could fix everything, the one who's touch he craved, the one who gave him everything. As he stepped inside, not once taking his eyes from Jerry's, he drew his boy into his arms, pleading with him to understand, without saying a word. Jerry knew.

“I love you, bubbe. I love you.. and I'm sorry.”

“I know, baby. I know, you've got nothing to be sorry about.” Dean ravished his face with kisses, then worked on his delicate neck.

Jerry cried into Dean's neck, while Dean soothed him as he would a spooked horse.

Minutes later, Jerry emerged, eyes swollen, and unable to step away from Dean's strong body. Finally when he was able to speak, he told Dean of his jealousy, of his anger and begged for forgiveness.

“No Jerry. I'm sorry. I should'nt have….”

“No Paul. You should do what you want. You're a man, you shouldn't have to raise another kid.”

Dean stared at Jerry, not quite understanding. “You're ok with what you saw?”

Jerry bowed his head, fingers doing the nervous dance that was so part of him. “I wasn't at first. I was so hurt that you wanted somebody else. I had to think, Paul. Then, I thought of how stupid this was, I mean, to come here. I have no right to feel this way. I have no right to control what you do.”

“I would never hurt you on purpose, Jer. You know how I feel about you, dontcha?”

“Yea. Guess I do. Sometimes, I dunno Paul, I just think it's me wanting, requiring too much of you. You feel what you feel and another human being cannot control your feelings and if they do, you'll end up hating one another, and I can't take that. I just can't.”

Dean gripped Jerry's upper arms, “I could never hate you. Not ever!” Dean scanned Jerry's face for any sign of trauma. He would not do that to him and he will make Jerry understand that if he does something that he's not ok with, he'll stop.

“I'd never do anything that would hurt you. You hear me? Never.”

“It's ok Paul. Really.” Jerry frames Dean's face with his long delicate fingers. “You're everything to me, y'know. I can't make it without you and you'll leave and….”

Dean pulls him roughly to him, trying to convey what he can't say. “Baby. I will never leave you, I promise.”

Jerry looked sadly at Dean, the realization of the broken promise hanging over them. Neither spoke and soon Jerry stood back from Dean, looked him in the eyes, “Everything's ok, bubbe. I'll head home in the morning. We're good. Ain't we Dean?”

Dean smiled. “Yea, ain't we Dean.”

Chapter Text

Dean ran back to their dressing room, breathing heavily, sweating profusely. “Man, what a show, Jer!”

“Yea we killed em, didn't we Paul?”

“Sure did, buddy, buddy.”

Jerry was already out of his jacket and tie, unbuttoning his shirt to reveal a t-shirt covered chest that wasn't as concave as it used to be, arms still skinny, but with little muscles forming where there used to be skin and bones.

Dean quickly looked away. He and Jerry hadn't been physically close like before, that is, before the Carmel incident. When Jerry had arrived back in town, Dean hadn't called him, and Jerry didn't call him. It was sad, but something that had to be done for both of their sakes.

“Hey Jer?”

Jerry looked up. He had sat down to take his shoes off. “Yea,” he said, absentmindedly, while struggling with a shoe that the laces were tangled.

Dean instinctively bent down to help, tugging the shoe off, and sitting down beside Jerry to try and disentangle the laces. “You wanna go out somewhere? We haven't seen each other a lot outside of work.”

Jerry laughed, “You see me all the time. Our work involves being together 20 hours a day most of the time.”

“I'm talkin just me and you and no work.”

“You miss me, bubbe?” Jerry said in his idiot voice, eyes looking at Dean like a mischievous child.

“Sure I do.”

Jerry instantly got serious, “I miss you too,” he said softly, eyes a gooey mess.

“That's a yes?”

“Sure Paulie.”

“Wanna go clubbing or just to a restaurant.”

“I get to choose?”

“Sure do.”

“Then I choose a restaurant, preferably not in Beverly Hills.”

“I'm right there with ya on that one, pal.”

“Let's get cleaned up then.”

“You gonna shower first?”

“Yea.” As an afterthought, Jerry turned to give Dean a flirty gaze. “Y'know, we used to shower together.”

Dean nearly choked on his Coke.
Jerry smiled, knowing he'd shook him to the core.

“Yeah” Dean said, recovering enough to look up and meet his gaze, “I remember.” He quickly averts his eyes as Jerry takes his boxers off and enters the shower.

Dean takes a deep breath before getting up from his sitting position, having successfully untangled Jerry's laces.

He grabs his cigarettes and finds the pack empty, “damn,” he says to himself. He sets about looking for Jerry's. “Hey Jer! Jer!”. No answer so Dean walks to the bathroom door and peeks in. He sees through the curtain that Jerry's head is under the spray of the water. He looks so cute, Dean thinks, with his hair all mussed. “Hey Jer?” Dean says more quietly, “Where's your cigarettes, I'm out.”

Jerry sticks his head out from behind the curtain. “Uh I think I got some over near the sink.” Dean looked and found three, “I got one, we're both gonna need some.”

“Got plenty in the car, bubbe.”

“You always think of everything.”

“Gotta take care of you, y'know, return the favor, cos you sure have taken care of me.”

“Now, Jer, don't think of it like that. You know you don't gotta do nothin for that.”

“I know but it gives me pleasure when I do something for you, no matter how little.”

Dean didn't know what to say to him and that's not like them. It never used to be like this. Usually they'd be roughhousing and Dean would probably be messin with Jerry in the shower.

He just smiles and goes back to sit on the couch until Jerry is done. Only a minute later, Jerry walks in with a towel secured around his middle. Dean appraises him again while Jerry rummages through the closet to find suitable clothes. He drops his towel and Dean looks away. My God, he's beautiful, Dean thinks. He takes a long drag off his cigarette before standing to go take his own shower. Jerry had stopped to watch his partner. Something was bothering him, and he wanted to talk to him so badly. He walks over to Dean and lays a hand on the small of his back. Dean turns to look directly into the eyes of his partner. “Jer.”

“Paulie,” Jerry says with all the love he could give in his eyes.

Dean frames Jerry's face with his big hands, wanting, wishing he could say what he wanted without feeling ashamed. His upbringing had taught him to be a man, and a man did not talk about such things, especially to another man.

Jerry knew, he always knew when Dean was struggling to say what he felt. “It's ok, bubbe. I know, you've told me before, maybe not enough for me, but if it's all you can give, then I'm the luckiest fella alive, because you gave me your all, your everything.”

Dean watches him and suddenly becomes aware that Jerry has no clothes on. Jerry turns his face into Dean's hand and kisses his palm, while Dean lays his forehead to Jerry's, trying to squelch the feeling bubbling up from the pit of his stomach.

Suddenly Jerry turns his face to Dean and kisses the corner of his lips, “Paul,” he whispered, “it's ok, oh Paul”

When Dean lifted his forehead, he didn't have time to talk, Jerry captured his lips in a featherlight kiss, asking for Dean. He pulled back to look at Dean's lips, only inches away from Jerry's own. “I want you, Jer, I…need you so much, baby.”

That was it, Jerry attacked Dean and pushed him onto the couch, tearing at his clothes and after he was relieved of them, Dean flipped Jerry onto his back, lips never leaving his. He ravished his face and neck while Jerry clawed at his back, long legs around Dean's waist. “Jerry, I can't hold back… I'm gonna come. Oh Jerry, baby!” Dean was coming on Jerry's stomach. His breathing ragged, he knew Jerry was still hard and needed to come. He grabbed Jerry by the hips and rutted him against his thigh until he cried out, still clawing at Dean's back.

When they had calmed down, they kissed and caressed until their breathing was normal.

Jerry turned over on his side, head propped on his hand, as he looked at his partner. He could have sworn there was moisture in the corner of his eyes, but Dean swiped at them and turned over, head resting on his own hand, to stare at his partner. They both said nothing, just smiled at one another because they knew, they always had.

~~

Dean was awakened by his wife at the bedroom door, calling his name. Dean turned over and pulled the sheets up over his head.

“Dean, aren't you supposed to go play golf today?”

“Oh yeah, but not till after lunch.”

“Have you looked at the time?”

Dean opened one eye to stare at the bedside clock, almost 11:30 am. “Damn, I really slept. Best nights sleep I've had in a few weeks.”

“Nights? You mean morning. You drug yourself in here at 4:00 this morning. Where were you?”

Dean smiled from underneath the sheets. “Having dinner with a friend.”

“Well it wasn't Benny because he called looking for you twice. He said you were supposed to meet him for a drink.”

“Yeah. I forgot. I had something else to do.”

“I like him. I'd love for us to go out with him and his girl.”

“Didn't know he had a girl.”

“Said he needs to find a good gal.”

“He probably should.”

“I'm glad you're making new friends. Jerry's so annoying sometimes.”

Dean pulled the cover back from over his head and glared sharply at his wife. He didn't have to say anything that hasn't already been said. Jeanne knew nobody could talk badly about Jerry in front of him. “I'm gonna take a shower.”

“You never said who you had dinner with?”

“My partner.”

“Jerry? Alone?”

“Yea. We needed some time to ourselves.”

“Just like I said, you two might as well be married. Jerry was right beside you when we were married, and right beside you on our honeymoon. He's always around.”

“Yea….he is.” She knew that was all. Dean's last words had a finality in them that couldn't be taken any other way than to show her that Jerry would continue to be around. She turned on her heel and strode out of the room.

~~

Jerry blew smoke towards the sky. It was cool out, a gentle breeze ruffling his short hair. The boys had been in the backyard roughhousing but their mother had ushered them in for lunch. Jerry wasn't hungry, so he opts to just sit in the cool sunshine, and dream of his partner, the love of his life. His toes curled just thinking about how Dean made him feel in the backseat of his car. He had loved him thoroughly, caressed in all the right places, and made sure he came each and every time they made love. Three separate times and Jerry was so satisfied he practically purred at Dean. They were so tired they slept in the car for a couple hours before driving home. He hoped Dean was as satisfied as he was, and judging by his reaction and the way he practically screamed Jerry's name, he was more than satisfied.

“Something's sure making you happy, judging by that face.”

Patti sat in a chair opposite him, smiling at her husband.

“No reason to be sad. It's a beautiful day.”

“You and Dean had a good time?”

Jerry took notice, how did she know? “Well,...”

Patti laughed. “The delivery boy said his parents saw you and Dean at that little out of the way burger place you two always go to when things get a little tough between you two.”

“Oh. Yea we were there. Had some things to work out.”

“Judging by that face, I'd say it's worked out.”

“Yea everything is great. I…uh, I don't know, sometimes I think he'd be better off without me.”

“Now where did that come from? You know perfectly well you two are basically one. Jerry, listen to me,” Patti sat on the edge of her chair, “Dean loves you. You must know that, darling.”

“I know he does, but is it enough? I'm so much to deal with sometimes. I think sometimes he just sees me as that dumb, bigmouth kid who always got in trouble.

“Jerry, whatever Dean sees in you, he loves. Believe me.”

“Guess the old insecurities are comin out again”

“You and Dean can do anything, as long as you're together. Nobody can touch you. You two are a unit.”

Jerry gave his wife a sweet smile and she strode back into the house.

~~

Jerry watches his partner from behind the curtain. They were at Ciro's and the crowds have been nothing short of spectacular. Jerry wonders sometimes what makes the people love them so much, but not too much because if he worries he'll want to change something and there's nothing to make them better.

Dean finishes his song and Jerry joins his partner onstage, just like always. Dean touches his shoulder, then briefly, his back. It sends shivers down his spine, even though the tuxedo material is a barrier for Dean's strong hands. He looks at Dean and Dean knows, and in the nonsense and chaos of their act, Jerry grabs his pinky and squeezes. Dean looks at him and smiles. Jerry knew.

~~

“Hey partner, you going out?”

“Uh nah. Think I'll head home. You?”

“If you're goin home, I will too.”

“Don't let me spoil your fun.”

Jerry laughed, “Ain't no fun if you're not there, partner.”

“Now, Jer.”

“It's true.”

Dean softened, like he always did. “You probably should rest up, we been workin too much lately, almost three straight weeks.”

“You know how much love it, why I could probably work three more weeks straight.

“Oh no you won't, cos that'll mean I'll be doin it too.” Dean used his pointer finger to tap Jerry's chest for emphasis.

Jerry giggles, “Ah bubbe.”

Dean mocks him and pretty soon they're throwing things off the vanity at one another, laughing. A knock at the dressing room door interrupts them, “Hey Dino, you guys ok in there?”

Dean immediately recognized the voice as Benny's. Dean looked at Jerry for a fleeting moment only to see his smile fade away.

“Ain't ya gonna let him in, bubbe?”

“Sure…sure, pal.”

Dean slid the lock over and unlatched the door and stepped aside to let him in.

Benny looked at Dean then his gaze settled on Jerry, still sitting on the floor by the sofa, with Dean's tux tie and t-shirt lying on the floor beside him.

“Hi Jerry.”

“Hello,” Jerry said as he rose to his feet, clearly not comfortable with this man.

Benny appraised Dean's naked torso before asking if he'd be interested in having a drink. “I don't think so. I'm a little tired.” Dean glanced at Jerry to see his reaction but his face was uncharacteristically unreadable.

“You too, Jerry. We'll celebrate. You fellas sure know how to work a crowd into a frenzy.”

“Jer? It's your call, buddy.”

Sensing Dean wanted to go, Jerry agreed, but the increasingly more painful stab of jealousy bubbled to the surface. Dean didn't want to go out a while ago but now he does and he doesn't know what to do. All he knows is how he feels, and it hurts.

“We could have a drink right here, right Paul?”

Benny interrupted Dean as he was about to speak. “ C'mon, Jer, change of scenery.”

Jerry had an unbridled sudden urge to punch him in the face for calling him ‘Jer.’ Dean looked his way so he kept silent.

“I'll pass. Think I'll just go on home. I need my rest, right bubbe?”

He intentionally called him by his special nickname.

“Uh, yea Jer. But we won't stay out too late if you wanna come.”

“It's already close to 1:00am so I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. Remember, we have to go over the script for our next comedy hour show.”

“Sure I won't forget.” Dean put his t-shirt back on and a clean shirt and followed Benny to the door. One look back at Jerry, and he was gone. Jerry's shoulders relaxed after being held back in a manly pose, trying to show Dean that he was ok with anything he did. The only thing he could do now is sit down and wait for the tears that he knew would come, came. He wouldn't give them time because he dressed quickly and left, not knowing where he was going. He supposes he'll go home, but all he wants is Dean and he doesn't know how to get over that.

He finds himself at a bar that he knows, one that he used to frequent when he and Dean were just getting to know one another. He wishes so much that he could go back to those days. He fell madly in love with him and Jerry always suspected Dean felt the same way. He reminisced about how much attention Dean showed him and how sweet and gentle he was with him. Nobody else mattered back then because they didn't even think of anybody else. It was just the two of them and the love between them that grew so strong, not even their wives could compete.

It was nearing closing time when the bartender came and sat with Jerry, “Gonna be closing up soon. You think you had enough?”

“No I don't. Not nearly. Say, Sam, do people really drink their troubles away?”

“No, drinking just masks them for a few hours, then when you wake up your troubles are still there, plus you got a killer headache.”

“Oh. I think I'm gonna have a killer headache.”

“Now Jerry, what kind of trouble could you have? You're rich, famous, nice family, you got Dean……”

“Yea…what do you do if you're scared?”

“Scared of what Jerry?”

Jerry hesitated but only for a moment, “That I'm gonna lose somebody real close to me and I can't….. I just can't!” Jerry breaks down and lays his head on the table in embarrassment. “It hurts!”

“Jerry, I don't know how to help you buddy. Who are you afraid you're gonna lose?”

“Dean. I know I am.”

“Listen pal, you're drunk. Let me call a cab for you, ok?”

“No, I can make it. Dean wouldn't ever let me get drunk and now he's not here to stop me. He would have stopped me.” Jerry looked at the bartender with the saddest eyes he'd ever seen.

“Where's Dean, Jerry? Why isn't he with you?”

“I dunno.” The bartender didn't understand what was going on but he knew Jerry wouldn't want the newspapers to get hold of this story.

“I'm calling a cab and you're going home.”

“Fine, I'll leave. I'll be great tomorrow.”

“Sure, buddy.”

He locked the doors and stepped behind the bar as the last customers left. He dialed a number and asked for a taxi to be sent. Jerry looked positively green when he returned. He reached for his glass but Sam pulled it back, “No more, you've had enough.”

“Some friend you are.”

“You'll thank me later when you're able to open your eyes.”

“Hardy har.”

“C'mon, taxis here.”

Jerry stumbled outside with Sam's help, and when he was safely in the backseat, stepped away as the taxi took off with instructions to take him home. When they were out of town, Jerry reluctantly opened one eye to see where they were.

“Hey buddy, turn around.”

“I got instructions to…..”

“You know who I am?”

“Some drunk kid.”

“I'm not drunk and I'm not a kid.” Jerry fishes around for his wallet and pulls out more bills than the driver ever saw. He shoved them over his shoulder and into his lap. “Is that enough to turn this thing around and head back to town?”

“Sure thing, bud, for that kind of dough, I could take you to Timbuktu.”

“Now ya talkin!” Jerry gave the man a name of a very famous bar in Beverly Hills.

He dropped Jerry off at the front door and when Jerry pressed more bills into his hand, he looked in awe of Jerry and drove away.

Jerry stumbled in, hoping for a drink with Dean before he went home.

“Jerry, what're you doing out at this late hour? You look like something the cat drug in.” One of the waiters greeted Jerry and guided him to a table. “You're drunk!”

“M’not either! Is Dean here?” Jerry wanted a drink. “And bring me a drink, something strong.”

“Sure Jerry, sure”

The waiter walked purposely away, leaving Jerry to loll his head back against the wall, holding himself up for as long as it took.

The waiter went to an adjoining room and motioned for Dean to come. Benny looked at the waiter, then at Dean.

Dean strode over to the waiter and bent his head down to listen.

“Jerry? What the hell! I'll be there in a second. Don't let him go anywhere.”

Dean walked back to their table and told Benny and some friends of his that he had something to do and bid them goodnight.

“Dino, what's goin on?”

“Just something I gotta do. I'll see you later. I'll pay the tab.”

Benny waited till he turned the corner and got up and followed him. He watched Dean go to a man sitting at a small table against the wall, head down on his arms. He couldn't see his face but watched Dean sit beside him and put his face down beside his. He looked so gentle and kind, unlike the person he had become acquainted with over the last few weeks. Dean had shown himself to be a tough guy, a real man's man, but he was showing a different side of himself. He found himself wondering why this guy got all this attention from him, and also he discovered something else…he wanted his attention too, the kind gentle attention this boy was getting.

“Jerry, whaddya gone and done? Look at me.” Dean whispered to him, trying to avoid a scene. Jerry turned his head to look at Dean with one red rimmed eye.

“Paul. I feel bad, Paul.”

“I'll bet you do. C'mon, let's get outta here. You can explain all this to me later.”

“I love you Paul. Didja know that?”

“Yes, yes I know that. C'mon, buddy, up and at‘em. Dean lifted Jerry from underneath his arms to a standing position. “Lean on me.” Jerry put his head on Dean's shoulder whilst Dean put one arm around Jerry's back. He tried to make him walk but it was becoming impossible. Once out the door he lifted Jerry underneath his knees and carried him the short distance to his car, opened it up and deposited him safely on the front seat. “Jerry buddy, why?” He caressed his short, soft hair, wanting to know the turmoil inside his partner, but then again, not wanting to know because Jerry's inner most feelings were something Dean tried to stay away from. That boy was a mess, sometimes, he thought. He smiled and before he knew what he had done, he reached down and planted a soft kiss to his forehead. He got in the driver's seat and sped away.

Benny stood back against the brick of the building watching Dean drive away with the boy.

“Jerry,” he thought. Why? Why is he like that with him?” He aimed to find out and he aimed to have Dean to himself. And he will, whatever it takes, he would.

Chapter Text

You ok, Jer?”

“Yea. Fine.” Jerry winced, giving himself away. “Well, I will be fine”

“Jer, why'd ya do it?”

“I- I didn't do anything.”

“Jerry. Look at me.” Dean gently turned him around and was met with swollen eyes and a green tint to his pale face. “Ah Jerry. Go home. You can't do anything today.”

“I can and I will.”

“Jer….”

“C'mon” Jerry interrupted. We got to go over that script.”

Dean sighed, giving in to him,, like he always does.. “Ok, have it your way.

They went into the theater where they always rehearsed for the show, Jerry leading the way. Dean followed behind and sat a few feet away from Jerry so he could watch him. He was ok for the first hour but after that Dean could tell, he's gonna be sick. Sure enough, Jerry excuses himself and walks briskly to the men's room, which was on another floor.

Dean sat and waited but when he didn't come back, he made the excuse he was going out for some air and to smoke. He made his way to the floor above them and found Jerry hunched over the toilet. He shook his head and sighed. Finally, he walked slowly towards him.

“Ah, Jer. Buddy, why?”. Before he knew it, he was on his knees beside him, hand on the back of his neck, other hand hooked under his armpit, urging him up. Finally standing, Dean wiped his mouth with his handkerchief and led him to the sink. He wet the handkerchief and wiped his brow and eyes. “ What would you do without me, huh?”

“I don't know, Paul. I'll have to find out one day but I'm not ready yet.”

“Jerry. What am I going to do with you?”

Jerry's crooked smile endeared Dean to him even more.

“Whatever you want. I'm yours.”

Dean looked at him for any sign of what was troubling him but found nothing. “You monkey.” Dean framed his face with two big hands and they both fell into one another with a giant bear hug.

“I love you, I just love you, more than anything in the world. Tell me again that you know that. Please, Paul.”

“Jerry. What's wrong? Of course I know. You need to hear that I feel the same? Is that it?”

“Not if you don't feel it. You gotta feel it, all the way through to your soul, in your bones, even. Do I mean that much to you, Paul, that you would forsake anybody or anything? I would. I'd throw everything away for you.”

“I feel it, pal. I do. I love you. Know that. Just know that. You have to. I'd do anything I could for you. What are you going through? Please tell me so I can help you.”

Jerry's face fell, along with his heart. Dean noticed immediately, “Jerry, what? What are you going through? I'll help you.”

“I'll be ok, Paul,” Jerry looked him in the eye, tears already falling. “If I….” Jerry opened his mouth to say more but nothing would come out.

“If what?”

“Nothin.. I.. nothin.”

“Tell me Jerry!”

“It's nothin. Just forget it. Please, Paul.” Jerry laid his hand over Deans.

“No! Tell me! We don't have secrets, remember, not me and you.”

Jerry squared his shoulders and spoke, “If I asked you to give up something or….. someone, would you?”

Dean's brow furrowed, confusion shaping his face. “What? Jerry, what am I doing that you don't like? I'll give it up, just tell me.”

“It's not that Paul and I have no right. Just because I'm jealous doesn’t me…..”

“Jealous? Of who? Jeanne? Jerry, me and you have an understanding..”

“No. Paul it's not her, well I'm jealous but you know that. It's someone else. Jerry looked away, ashamed of himself for saying it, “Your new friend, Benny.”

“Him?”

“I can't help it, Paul. I don't like him. He's always around. I'm afraid.”

“Jer. Of what?”

“He's gonna take you away from me. I couldn't stand that… I'd rather die.” Jerry whispered the last part.

Dean stood rooted to the spot he was in, trying to understand his partner.

Jerry didn't know what his reaction was going to be and he didn't want to know. Dean didn't say anything right away so Jerry took that to mean he was angry. Finally when the silence got too deafening Jerry made his decision. He ran. He wants to leave Dean behind and never see the hatred he was sure Dean had for him.

Dean watched him disappear, down the corridor and around the corner. Finally Dean moved, tearing after Jerry frantically but it was too late, he sped out of the parking lot and away from Dean.

Dean runs back inside and yells to the crew, “rehearsal is cancelled.” Dean leaves the theatre not knowing what to do. Leave him alone or go after him? He wants to go after him but he knows Jerry and he knows Jerry would cry and be emotional and sometimes Dean just didn't know how to handle that, so he drives home.

Benny. His new friend. Jerry didn't like him. He knew something didn't feel right when he was around. Benny seemed to try and size Jerry up but that was just Benny trying to be his friend too. Jerry was very territorial when it came to Dean and he used to think it cute, but maybe it's not so cute anymore. Maybe Jerry is growing up. Maybe Dean likes it, wants it, or maybe he doesn't. Jerry was his boy, always. He'd never dare hurt him, but jealous of Benny? What a horrible word, and an even more horrible feeling.

~~

Jerry drives home. He wouldn't do this. He would call Paul up and apologize. He has to do it for his own good. Funny how doing something you know is right and for your own good, felt so wrong and made you feel horrible. He wanted to beg Dean to be his and only his, and never let him go. Dean would hate him for that. As soon as he walked through the front door, he went straight to his office at the back of the house and shuts the door. He dials Dean's number with shaky hands, praying he was home.

“Hello…hello?” It's Jeanne.

“Jeanne, is Dean around?”

“Jerry? Is anything wrong? You don't sound at all like yourself.”

“I'm..f- fine. Please, is he there?”

“He just came in the door.” She hands the phone to Dean and leaves the room.

“Hello, who's there?”

“Me. Please don't hang up.”

“Jerry, I'm not gonna hang up. Come over here. Let's talk.”

“No. I'm, I'm too ashamed. I'm sorry Paul. Really. I won't be jealous no more. I promise, so we're ok right? I mean, everything is the same?”

“Of course. Jerry, I hate seeing you like this. Jerry, I won't see him anymore, not if it means upsetting you. I wouldn't ever hurt you.”

“No! I couldn't stand it. Don't do it for me. Don't feel sorry for me.”

“Jerry, what….

“I'll see ya tomorrow, bubbe, ok?”

“Je….” The line went dead.

Dean replaced the receiver and walked to his den. Maybe he is growing up, but maybe I don't like it, Dean thought. Maybe I don't like it at all.

~~

Work was work. Jerry had put on a front that he must keep up. Benny had been a presence, but not like before but when he was with Dean, Jerry smiles a fake smile and hung around as long as he could, but when he touched Dean, that was too much. Once, Jerry observed Benny with his hand on the small of Dean's back and he had to leave, before he got angry or downright sad. The weeks went on until the cooler days of fall arrived and Jerry was glad because there were nightclub appearances and a personal appearance tour looming and Jerry was looking forward to getting out of L.A. for a while, and away from Benny.

~~

“Ready Jer?”

“Yea let me say one last goodbye to the boys.”

Jerry hugs his boys and kisses Patti goodbye. The boys are back in school so Patti would be staying home this trip. Jerry loves his wife but longs for it to be just him and Dean again.

“Our flight leaves in thirty minutes. We gotta hustle, boy.”

“Then I shoulda drove.”

“No Jer, you shouldn't have. We'd never get there because there'd be a pileup on the freeway. You, you…bad driver.”

Jerry laughed, free and easy. “Could just as easily be one with you drivin, old man”

Dean glances sharply at Jerry, mischievousness playing in his eyes. “I'll show you who's old, you, you…you must be out of your nitwit!

Jerry laughed. He looks over at his partner, at the same moment Dean glances at him. He turns his eyes back to the road, but stretches his arm out towards Jerry, inviting him over. Jerry quickly accepts the invitation and Dean pulls him hard against him, and uncharacteristically kisses his temple. “You're losing weight.”

“You're just imagining it.” Jerry wouldn't tell him that he worries every single day about him.

“You think I can't tell?”

“Can you?”

“Course I can.”

Jerry didn't say anything else. Dean used to run his hands all over his body when they were together but they haven't been, not in a couple of months.

Jerry dismisses the conversation because he was happy. Dean was his for the next several weeks and his heart was happy. Nothing could ruin it because Dean was everything to him. He kissed Dean on the cheek, then on the ear.

Dean laughs, “Hey cut it out, ya little fink. I'm drivin over here.”

“You don't like it?”

Dean's face softened, “You know damn well I do, monkey.”

Jerry smiled and hugged him tight. “I sure love you.”

“I know, baby. I know.”

Jerry got a feeling Dean was thinking about something, something to do with him, but he swore nothing would ruin this trip. He had Dean and that's all that matters.

~~

Chicago was chilly, but it was only late September. He shivered and moved closer to Dean on the steps leading off the plane. Reporters were there to cover their arrival in Chicago for a two week stint. Once the reporters had their pictures and story, the boys were left alone. They walked to a waiting cab to take them to their hotel room. Once there, the bellboy helped get their luggage to their suite.

“Pretty nice, bubbe.”

“Don't think we've ever stayed here.”

“Nah, not this one.”

“Fancy”

“We deserve it.”

“Sure, baby. Ya hungry?”

“I could probably eat.”

“You don't have a choice, you're gonna.”

“My Deanie sure takes care of me.”

“Who else is gonna, way out here in Chicago?”

“You, bubbe.”

“Ah, you!” Dean ruffles his hair and slides by him to unpack.

Jerry slowly walks towards him and wraps his arms around Dean from behind. He kisses his neck and lets him go, taking his bags and starts to unpack, all the while smiling, because he knew Dean was too. It looks like it's going to be a wonderful trip.

~~

Nightlife in Chicago was vibrant and upbeat, almost like New York. Jerry reveled in it, Dean just wanted to eat and go back to the hotel. It had started to rain and it made it that much cooler. Jerry loved the upscale restaurants and clubs but knew Dean did not, so he suggested they finish their meal and go back to their hotel suite.

“Good idea buddy.”

The rain had really picked up and both were soaked when they got back to the hotel.

“Gosh I'm cold.”

“Get out of those clothes before you get sick. C'mon, hurry it up.”

“My shirt's stuck to me.” Jerry struggled to get his undershirt off, one arm stuck, while the other was left struggling trying to lift up the back.

“Ah Jer,” Dean laughed at his impossibly sweet partner. He went around behind him and rolled the back of his t-shirt up and over his head, then freed Jerry's arm. “Now what would you have done if I hadn't been here,” Dean teased, still behind Jerry with a warm hand on the small of his back.

“They would have found me in the morning, suffocated.”

“Don't say that.”

“I was only kiddin, bubbe.”

“I know it, but you know how that scares me.”

Jerry turned around, “I'm sorry Paulie.”

“S’ok.” Dean's hands had found their way to Jerry's side. “You're skinny as a rail. You been eatin?”

“Sure I have,” Jerry looked at the floor but Dean quickly grabbed his chin and tilted it up to face level.

“Little liar. You know I can tell.”

“I- it's true I haven't been eating like I should. I'll do better.”

“You will.” That was the end of the conversation because Dean had made a decision and once a decision was made, it was not up for debate.

“Yes Paulie.” Jerry shifted closer. “Bubbe, you're wet too, want I should help you get undressed?”

Dean looked into those gorgeous, expressive eyes, oh how he loved them, and how much more he loved him. He swallowed before answering, “Might need a little help at that.”

Jerry started unbuttoning his shirt, then worked on getting his wet wife beater off of him. Then the task of unbuckling his belt and taking it off. Jerry moved closer when he reached for Dean's zipper, never once taking his eyes off his partner. Dean leaned in and breathed in Jerry. God he always smelled so good. When Jerry looked back up after successfully undoing the latch and zipper, he found Dean staring at him in a way that was not unfamiliar.

“Jer.”

“Paul, oh Paul” Jerry fell into him as they kissed like it was their first time. Dean tried to be gentle but had a hard time. His hands stroked up and down Jerry's sides, wanting him in a way he'd never wanted anyone.

“Is it ok baby? I want you.”

“God yes. Please Paul. Now.”

They tumbled onto the queen sized bed and devoured on another, breathing in the other's scent like they could never get enough. Jerry pressed kisses all the way from Dean's neck down to his inner thighs.

“Jer, I'm gonna come real fast if you keep that up.”

“We got all night.”

“Oh. Jer.”

When Jerry tongue swiped across Dean's most private area, his hips bucked up, begging for release. “You want it, bubbe? Want me to take you in my mouth and make you come?”

“Yes! Oh Jerry, yes!”

Jerry started slowly, then found the perfect rhythm. When it got to be too much for Dean, he grabbed Jerry's head, bucked up hard and came, calling Jerry's name over and over. Dean relaxed, breathing ragged, and unable to speak. Jerry crawled up to lay alongside Dean, staring directly at him, stroking his cheek. Dean finally turned and looked at Jerry, with all the love that he couldn't say, right there in his eyes. “Jer, I.. I , that was the most incredible thing… I..”

“I know, bubbe, I know.”

Dean held him close and kissed his forehead, realizing suddenly that Jerry needed his release. Dean grabs his hips and lifts him on top to straddle him, and as he begins his assault on Jerry's neck and shoulders, there's a knock at the door. Jerry jerks his head up, listening.

“Don't say anything, maybe they'll go away.” Dean was caressing his lower back and ass, already hard again. The knock got louder.

“Hey Dino, you in there?”

Jerry swallowed hard, knowing the voice on the other side of the door. He sat up on the side of the bed, willing him to just go away.

“Dino!”

“Better answer it. It's your pal.”

Jerry walked very quickly to the bathroom and shut the door. Dean pulled pants on and walked to the door, unlocked it and let him in.

Benny stood there, looking handsome as ever. His eyes went to Dean's hair, all mussed from Jerry's hands, and down his body, appraising what he thought might've happened.

“She still here?”

“She who?”

“The dame you're having sex with.”

“No dame here.”

“Well, uh, you look a mess.”

“Say, what're you doin here?”

“Thought I'd drop over and see if you and Jerry wanted to go out.”

“Nah, we've already been out for dinner.”

“He around?”

“Takin a shower.”

“Oh.”

“Why are you in Chicago?”

“Didn't have anything else to do, so I thought I'd catch your show.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. Finally, Benny thought it wise to say something.

“Listen, I'm not stalking you, really I'm not. I just enjoy our friendship and I, well I don't think Jerry likes me much. I understand he's your partner and all that but there's no need for you to have to choose. I'd like to be his friend too, y'know. I'm kind of alone in the world, my parents are gone, and I was an only child.”

“Yea Jerry's an only child. His parents were never around. Guess that's why he latched on to me.”

“You regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“Befriending him.”

“Course not. He's my pal.”

“Guess he needs you.”

“Bout as much as I need him”

Dean stood his ground, ready to stand up for Jerry if need be.

“I really envy you two. I mean, you guys are as close as two people could get.”

Dean didn't know where the conversation was headed and he didn't want to. It was strange enough that he just shows up in Chicago, and at their hotel room, at that.

“Yea well, we're pretty close. Jerry's my best friend, he's…”

The bedroom door opens and Jerry walks over next to Dean. “Benny.” Jerry nods his head towards him.

“Hi ya Jer. Thought I'd see if you two would like to go out.”

“I'm good. Maybe Dean would like to go.”

Dean immediately spoke up, “No I'm in for the evening.”

Dean watched his appraisal of Jerry. His eyes went from his chest, all the way down to his legs. Jerry was only wearing his boxers and an open bathrobe. He felt himself get angry, first at Benny for looking, then at Jerry for letting him. He's supposed to grab his arm and step behind him. It's what he's always done, and now he's not, and Dean is angry, and stunned, and a little hurt.

He stepped in front of Jerry. “See you tomorrow night at the show?”

Benny hesitated, “Sure thing.” He backed up, turned and went out the door. Dean locked it back and turned to face Jerry.

“You ok?”

“Sure. Why'd he come?”

“Said he came to catch our show.”

“You believe him?”

“Got no reason not to, I don't reckon.”

“I don't know, I just don't know.”

“It's late. Let's turn in.”

“Guess we better.”

Jerry followed Dean to the bedroom, and climbed in while Dean shut the lights off. Dean straightened the blankets up before he climbed in.

“You warm enough?”

“Sure am.” Jerry stared at Dean in the dark. He could just make out his face, from the pale light coming through the windows, from the streetlights. He stayed like that until Jerry snuggled up next to his side. Dean put an arm around him and pulled him up next to him. He buried his nose in Jerry's short hair. “Don't worry about him.”

“It's hard not to. I just can't get past the feeling that he wants me and you apart.”

“Nobody can split us up, unless we let them.”

“Why's he here, Paul?”

“I told you. He said he didn't have anything else to do so he came here.”

“Still, though…”

“Forget about it. It's late.”

Jerry turned onto his stomach and propped on his elbows looked up at Dean mischievously, “I'm still horny, y'know.”

“Was hoping you'd say that.”

~~

Jerry awakened first, watching the light from the early morning sun, slant in through a break in the curtains. He looks over at his partner, curled up on his side, with the sheet thrown haphazardly over his hips, one leg thrown over Jerry's. He thought about last night and how worried Dean was. He could tell, he could always tell. He took special care whenever they made love, to make sure Jerry was taken care of but last night was special. He asked about every touch, every kiss, every emotion Jerry was feeling. When he cried out Dean's name, Dean watched him and wiped his tears away, kissing his eyelids shut and held him while he slept. Jerry couldn't have felt more taken care of and loved.

“Bubbe, tell me what you're thinking,” Jerry whispered as he ran his fingers ever so lightly through his curls. Dean only moved slightly before settling against Jerry, his even breathing letting Jerry know he was resting easy. Jerry craned his head down to where Dean's was curled against his chest and kissed it. “I love you.” Jerry laid his head against Dean's and fell asleep.

~~
“Rise and shine, monkey.” Jerry stretched his long slim body out, smiling as his partner patted his slim belly.

“Morning baby.”

“That's my line.”

“Can't I borrow it?”

“Sure, baby. C'mon, we're gonna be late. We both gotta shower.”

“Now, bubbe, we only need one shower,” Jerry said as Dean smiled and bent down and kissed his beautiful mouth.

~

At a table at one of Chicago's finest restaurants, two newspapermen sat in annoyance at being stood up by Martin and Lewis.

~~~~

Benny watched them and took mental notes. What did Jerry have that Dean loved so much? He was skinny as a rail, loud to the point of annoyance, and pouty if he didn't get his way. The kid was impossibly cute, so he could see maybe why Dean did what he did for him. Dean just indulged him until it was sickening. But Jerry would grow up. He'd heard some of the people he worked with at Paramount say that Jerry is starting to look like a man instead of a little boy. Either way, he just doesn't see the attraction. But Dean, on the other hand, was what every man wants to look like and what every man wants to be. He wondered if Jerry thought he'd ever lose him. Probably not, Dean probably keeps him around for fun. It would be fun to take him to bed. But he just can't get past the feeling that there was love, on Jerry's part, definitely, but Dean, he couldn't see a man like him falling in love with… whatever Jerry was, it just wasn't done. Yet, something was there that just wasn't tangible, he'd watched them flit around stage, like two fireflies, aching for one another, as if one could not survive without the other, always close, afraid to get too far away from the other, as if one flew away, it's light would go out and it would die. Strange analogy, but as close to the truth as he could come. He wants to know what makes Jerry, Jerry. He wants to see what Dean sees. He wants to feel what Dean feels. He wants to break down Jerry, analyze him and maybe, just maybe make him feel that Dean is holding him back, keeping him a kid. Jerry has determination, he could tell that. Dean has what he wants, and he doesn't care about anything else. He would destroy Jerry if he had to. He would break him and show Dean that Jerry is nothing but a sniveling brat, incapable of anything except sucking the life out of him. Dean would see. Dean would be his.

Chapter Text

Chicago was done and they did it up big time. Standing room only each night, and still they begged for more. Benny watched from the balcony, unnoticed, even though they knew he was there, for opening night, anyway. After that, he stayed away, in an effort to observe Jerry closely.

Opening night is always hectic, with reporters begging for a story, and usually hundreds of pictures. Benny came back to the hotel with them just to say goodbye.

“Great show fellas. You guys are really something.”

Dean politely nodded his head, a feeling of unease starting to shadow him.

“Thanks, we work really hard at it…well that's not entirely true, we love what we do together, so it makes it less like work.” Jerry spoke up, relieved that he was leaving town.

“Say, how bout lunch tomorrow? My plane doesn't leave til late tomorrow afternoon.”

“If It's ok with Dean…”

“We'll be busy tomorrow. Got several interviews before we leave tomorrow night.”

An awkward silence enveloped the room, courtesy of Dean.

“Sure. Guess I'll see you guys back in Los Angeles, then.”

Dean nodded again, Jerry showed him to the door, while Dean went into the bathroom. “See you around.”
Benny glanced at Dean as he shut the bathroom door. “Hey, Jer. Meet me tomorrow, you name the place. I need to talk to you.”

Jerry was as confused as he's ever been, “Me? What do you wanna see me for? “

“I like you. You’re the most talented guy in Hollywood. I just wanna ask you something about Dean.”

“So ask already or better yet ask him yourself.”

“Please, it's important.”

Jerry would not have given him the time of day if not for Dean.

“Ok early tomorrow morning, before Dean wakes up. That drugstore next to the bowling alley a couple blocks from here.”

“Thanks Jer. 8:00?”

“Yea sure.”

~

Jerry was awake early, in fact he hadn't slept at all, taking into consideration it was nearly 3am before they got back to their hotel. Dean had fallen asleep easily, after a tumble in bed with Jerry. Jerry was always happy to oblige Dean, seeing as his sex drive was as potent as Dean's. Jerry lay and watched his bubbe sleep, wanting to run his hands through his curls, but refrained, lest he awaken him. He worried about what Benny wanted, his protectiveness over Dean a driving force for his decision to agree to meet him. But he has to admit, he's curious. He dresses quickly and quietly and tiptoes out of the room.

The cool air hit Jerry square in the face, so he popped the collar up in his jacket and walked the few blocks to the drugstore. He arrived about 5 minutes before 8, looking around and spotted Benny sitting in a back corner, steaming cups of coffee sitting in front of him. He pushed one towards Jerry as he sat opposite him.

“Not really a coffee drinker but thanks.”

“What would you like?”

“Nothin thanks”

“Guess Dean would have known what your preferences are.”

Jerry thought it an odd statement to make but let it go, “Sure he does. He knows everything about me.”

“You know what he likes too.”

That was a statement instead of a question.”

“Yea. Why are you interested?”

“I just observe you two together, I really love your dynamics.”

“So what do you want to ask me?”

“Like I said, I observe a lot. I just want to know if you and Dean would even consider splitting?”

Jerry's hands gripped the table, anger bubbling up into his throat. “Never! Why are you asking that?”

“Jerry, I don't mean it in a bad way. You're just so talented. You could do so much more without him.”

“I wouldn't ever make a move without Paul.”

“Who's Paul?”

“Dean. It's his middle name.” Jerry, as an afterthought, made sure Benny knew it was his name for Dean, only his. “I'm the only one who calls him that.”

“Sure Jer.”

Jerry got up to leave. “If that's all you wanted….”

“Listen Jerry. I like you a lot. I like Dean too but when I see you two together, I'm in awe of you. Dean's holding you back. Consider it.”

“Dean gave me life. You don't know anything about us.” Jerry abruptly rose, and quickly made his way to the door.

“Jerry, please. Ok so I don't know and I'm sorry. Please tell me about the two of you. I want to know.”

Jerry hesitated, but he felt like he truly wanted to know. He slowly makes his way back to the table and tries the best way he knows how to tell him about his Paul.

An hour and a half later, Jerry sat silently and finished his milkshake. Benny was amused that he loves them as much as he does. “Well I hope I didn't bore you.”

“On the contrary, I wanna hear more.”

“I've told you everything. That is, everything I can.”

“As close as you two are, there's bound to be secrets.”

Jerry's face took on a serious note, as he swirled the last drop of his vanilla milkshake around in his glass. “Yea, some things I just can't talk about.”

“I understand completely.”

“I better be goin. Bubbe is probably awake by now.”

“Bubbe?”

“Nickname.”

“Let me guess, you're the only person who can call him that?”

“Yea something like that.”

Benny looked at Jerry and had the sudden urge to touch his cheek. He reached out and laid his weather worn hand against Jerry's cheek. Jerry jumped back, “W-what are you doing?” Jerry gave a nervous little laugh and suddenly wished Dean were here beside him. Nothing could ever happen to him as long as Dean was beside him.

“Just touching you. I've seen Dean do it.”

“I, I don't like anybody touching me.”

“Except Dean?”

“Yea.”

“You in love with him or somethin?”

“I'm not gonna talk to you anymore.”

“Jerry, I'm sorry. Just a little jealous I guess.”

“Jealous. You have no right.”

“Maybe not, but it's what I feel.”

“Thought you liked him.”

“I did until I noticed you. You're real cute. Bet you and Dean have good sex.”

That did it. Jerry was scared, but thankfully, it was midmorning which meant the stores and shops were beginning to fill up. People were everywhere, and it allowed Jerry to escape nonchalantly. He didn't want to cause a scene.

He quickly exited, but Benny was right behind him. “Don't tell Dean we talked, ok.”

Jerry turned to look and was met with a face he'd never seen before, a dangerous face which chilled him to his core. “Promise you'll leave and never bother us again.”

Benny took the toothpick, which had been dangling from his lips, out of his mouth and pointed it at Jerry. “I can't promise that. Not until I have what I want.”

“What do you want?”

“Sleep with me.”

Jerry opened his mouth but nothing came out. He feared he may be sick right there on the sidewalk. “No. What is this?!”

“I just find you sexy as hell.”

“No, never!”

“You're Dean's boy.”

Jerry hesitated, not knowing what he wanted to hear, “Yea I'm Dean's, only Dean's.”

“ThenI'll go afterDean.”

“No Dean's too smart for that.”

“You're smarter, way smarter. Look Jerry, I don't mean to scare you. But I've come close to sleeping with him. You must know that. If it hadn't been for you, he would have.”

“Dean can do what he wants. He's a grown man.”

“But he won't. Not now, not since you almost caught us.”

“What difference does it make? If he wants you, he'd have you.”

“You know he won't. He's with you.”

Jerry starts to walk away but is met with a hand on his forearm. “Let me go.”

“Remember what I said. I'd rather have you. Then I'd leave him alone. He'd never have to know.”

“Know what? I haven't done anything to be ashamed of.”

“I can put it in his head that his little partner might be somewhat, shall we say, promiscuous.”

“What are you getting at!?”

“He'll find out that you slept with me even if you didn't. Get it, yet?”

“Blackmail.”

“No no. Don't think of it like that. I just want you.”

“Not gonna happen.”

“I'll tell him. It'll be convincing. He likes me anyway. He'll believe everything I say. You know he will.”

“He won't!”

“But he will. How many times have you flirted with other men? He sees it. I've been watching. He's jealous. He just won't say anything because he thinks you still need him, like some little kid.”

“I need him and he needs me.”

“Maybe so, but you know full well I'm telling the truth. He'll believe me. I see him sometimes, he's growing tired, Jerry, tired of having to be a nursemaid.”

“You're a liar. He's not tired of me. He would have told me. We tell each other everything.”

“Not something like that. He loves you, make no mistake, but you know as well as I do, sometimes it's not enough.”

“I'll never sleep with you, I couldn't!”

“You will, one way or the other, you will.”

“Is that a threat?”

“No Jerry it's not. I'm trying to tell you if you love Dean, you'll do it. He'll never have to know.” Benny puts his hand on the back of Jerry's neck for a second before Jerry pulls away.

“Don't touch me!”

Benny twists his mouth into a smile and drops his hand. “Better be soon, or the papers are gonna have a field day.”

“I'll go to the police.”

Benny jerks Jerry to him but quickly backs away, looking around to see if anybody noticed. “You do it, Jerry. I can promise you you'll never see Dean again”

“You bastard. You do anything to him and you're gonna be real sorry.”

“You don't have long to decide. When you get back to California, I'll talk to you. If the answer is still no, well, everything will be your fault.”

Jerry didn't know exactly what he meant, all he knew was that it didn't sound good.

Jerry stuck his hands in his pockets and walked the short distance back to the hotel. He walked slowly into the room and peeked in their bedroom. Dean was sitting on the side of the bed, obviously not long awake.

“Morning bubbe.”Jerry walked tentatively around and sat beside him. Dean yawned, hands running through his thick curls, before looking over at his partner. “Morning.” He did a double take, “Where ya been?”

“Just around the block. Couldn't sleep.”

“Why didn't you wake me?”

“You were sleeping so soundly, I couldn't.”

“I'd rather go with you.”

Jerry desperately wanted to tell Dean everything but he was afraid, so he kept silent.

“Thanks bubbe.” Jerry hugged him and laid his head on his shoulder.

“What's all this?”

“Nothin, just missed ya, that's all.”

Dean chuckled, low and sexy and angled his mouth to lightly graze the top of his head. Jerry lifted his head to kiss his ear and with Dean's sharp intake of breath, Jerry took the opportunity to attach his own mouth to Dean's.

Pushing Dean backwards onto the bed, Jerry ground himself against Dean's manhood.

“Take those clothes off” Dean's ragged breath told Jerry he was just as turned on. Jerry did as he was told because he loved when Dean did that. Boxers off, he revealed to Dean how turned on he was and when he straddled Dean, they were both lost, ragged breaths turned to moans and moans turned to begging.

Minutes later, they lay in a tangle of arms, legs, and bodily fluids, amazed at what just happened.

“Jer?” Dean whispered in his ear.
Jerry wouldn't turn his head to face him because he knew he'd see how frightened he was.

“Yes bubbe?”

“You ok?”

“Sure.”

Dean knew his partner like he knew nobody else. “Look at me, Jer.”

“I'm so comfortable. Guess I got up too early.”

Dean gently raises himself up and peers over at Jerry's face. “Jer. Jer, what's wrong.” He climbs over him and presses his face inches from Jerry's. He frames it with his big hands. “It's something. I can help you.”

“No you can't”, Jerry cried, tears streaming down Dean's hands. Jerry breaks away and locks himself in the bathroom, hoping for a miracle, praying that it was all a dream.

Dean sat in stunned silence, knowing his partner was being eaten away by something. But what? He seemed fine when he came into the bedroom and then he was on me like he was trying to tell me something. Whatever it was, it was not the jealousy over Benny. It was something deeper, devious, something that Jerry was afraid of.

~~

New York. Big town, big expectations. Dean hated it, Jerry felt a kinship with it because he had spent so much time here as a child, and it was where he met Dean, so it was a special place, even though California was his home now.

Dean had watched Jerry closely trying to read his face. Usually it wasn't hard, but as of late there was something he'd never seen before, something he had yet to put his finger on. He'd catch him sometimes after a show, head in hands, like he was trying to come to terms with something. His performance was spot on, there was nothing to suggest that anything was off. Dean knew better, because of his actions. He was always attentive to him in that way, but as of late, he wanted to be near him all the time. In bed, he slept almost on top of him, afraid to let him go. Once, he got up to use the bathroom and he almost panicked. He scrambled out of bed calling his name, afraid to be alone.

They had two more days to do at the Paramount theater, with a needed day off before then.

“What you wanna do, Jer? Relax? Go out? What? It's your call.”

Jerry sat in a chair next to the window of their hotel, uneasiness marking his face and his actions. “Just whatever you want.”

“C'mon Jer. Let's just go to dinner. We can even see a movie. We haven't done that in a while.”

“S-sure, Paul.”

It was early yet, only just after two in the afternoon. They usually slept into the afternoon after a show.

“I'm gonna go get some cigarettes. Be right back.”

“Ok Paul.” Jerry stood and Dean could already see the uncertainty in his face.

“Jer, buddy, I'll be right back.” He searched his eyes for anything that could give him a hint to what was going on in his head.

Jerry opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. “Ok Paul.” Jerry played with his fingers, a sign of his nervousness.

Dean walked to the door and with a glance back at Jerry, left the room and shut the door behind him.

Jerry went over to the bed and climbed under the covers. He was exhausted because all he could think about was Benny and his threat. He must've fallen asleep because the clock beside the bed said 4:00pm. Jerry scrambled up, searching for Dean. His dream. He laid back down, unable to control his rapid breathing. Benny was around, Jerry knew he was. He had caught a glimpse of him outside in the crowds after their first show here. He had dreamt about Dean. Benny had gotten to him and told him things that weren't true. He made Dean hate him, Dean had laughed at him, and Jerry had cried and Dean laughed some more. He had awakened in a panic. Dean couldn't hate him, he just couldn't. “Paul!”

Dean came running when he heard his name. “Jerry, what is it?”

“J-just thought you weren't here.”

“You see me, I'm right here.” Dean pushed his short hair off his forehead. “Hey, I saw Benny.”

Jerry squeezed his eyes shut, ready for the tongue lashing he was sure to get and maybe the anger, but Dean was being gentle with him, not a trace of anger. “Said he had family here, wants us to go to dinner with him tonight. Told him I had to ask you.”

“Paul, I don't wanna.”

“We ain't gotta.”

“He said he'd drop by soon to see about you. We'll just tell him we've made other plans.”

“No, I just wanna be with you. L-lets go out. We can see a movie.”

“Sure Jer.” Dean lay down beside him, not knowing what to do for him. He enveloped him and just held him. “It's Benny isn't it?”

Jerry felt sick, but lied to his partner. “No. I just feel I'm losing you.”

“How many times I gotta tell you, Jerry?? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Just stop” Dean was annoyed and Jerry didn't blame him, but he would not tell him the truth. Dean finally got up and went into the other room. Jerry pulled the covers tighter around him, trying to gather himself, trying to be strong for Dean but all he could do was close his eyes and fall into a deep sleep, one he wouldn't awaken from until it was dark outside.

~~

Dean sat down at the window with his cigarettes and a stiff drink. He didn't know how much longer he could take this. He had been gentle and attentive but Jerry seemed to get worse. Dean had concluded that it wasn't just jealousy, he had dealt with him being jealous for most of their partnership, so he knows what it looks like. No, something had Jerry scared, terrified and he didn't know what. He was annoyed to the point of being angry, but that wouldn't help him, but who knows, maybe it would. Dean finally decided to get dressed and go out and if Jerry wanted to come, fine, but if not, he could stay here. He goes to tell him but he's on his back, one arm above his head, the other laying across his too slim middle. Dean softened immediately. His furrowed brow told Dean he was suffering, but at least he was sleeping so Dean leaves him alone. He prays he's doing the right thing, right before he shuts the door behind him to go meet Benny for dinner and drinks.

~
“Paul? Paul!? You here? Where are you?”

Jerry got no answer. He wasn't beside him like always so Jerry pushes the blanket off him and goes into the other room. No Dean. He wasn't in the bathroom, he had left him. He looks at his watch. It was almost midnight. Jerry throws on the first thing he could find which was his pants and one of Dean's shirts. He slides his feet into his shoes and goes out the door, slamming it behind him. He forgoes the elevator, because he is used to it. It's second nature for him to take the stairs because of Dean's claustrophobia. He is relieved to see the concierge behind the desk in the hotels’ foyer.

“Have you seen Mr Martin? It's very important.” Jerry's hands shake as he tries to calm himself.

“He went out several hours ago, Mr Lewis. He made a call and arranged to meet someone.”

“Do you know where?”

“Well I wasn't eavesdropping but I did hear Mr Martin mention Sardi's.”

“Thank you very much!”

Jerry was relieved. Sardi's was just down the street so he didn't have long to walk.

He shoved his shirttail into his pants and buttoned his jacket. He walks in and is greeted by a waiter. “Yes sir, may I help you?”

“Yes, I'm looking for Mr Martin.”

“I'll have to let him know he has a visitor.” The man looked at Jerry curiously.

“I'm Jerry Lewis. I'm sorry for my appearance but it's important.”

“Mr Lewis, of course. I thought it was you but your state of dress, well, sir… I just….”

Jerry smiled, “I understand completely.”

“Right this way, sir.”

Jerry followed the polite man to a private room and the man went ahead of Jerry and pointed towards the door. Dean looked up and saw Jerry. He was immediately on his feet, striding towards him.

“Jerry what're you doing here?”

“Came to find you. I got worried.”

“Jerry I'm a big boy now, have been for quite some time. I'm fine. You go on back. I'll be there soon.”

Jerry looked over Dean's shoulder to a sight that wasn't entirely unexpected. Benny. He was staring straight at Jerry with a victorious look about him. They were talking about him, Jerry thought, he just knew it.

Jerry looked at Dean and something happened. He was angry. “No. You go ahead Dean. Do what you want. It just doesn't matter anymore. I've been jealous when it comes to you since I've known you. I can't stop it. I'm tired of trying.” Jerry looked past Dean and yelled at Benny. “You said California! You said I had til then! Go ahead, take him now! He's yours. Say what you want. Do what you want. You'll never make me afraid again!” Jerry was pointing at him, with a bewildered Dean, standing looking from one to the other.

“Jerry! What the hell is wrong with you?!” Dean looked furiously at Jerry, clearly not understanding. Maybe Benny hadn't told him anything.

“He can tell you! I'm done!”

Jerry ran out, knocking over a chair as he fled. Dean started after him but stopped. He went back and sat with Benny. “He's finally lost it. Jerry's never been emotionally stable.”

“He's depended on you too long. He needs to find his own way, Dean.”

“What did he mean about California?”

“Search me. Ask him. I'd like to know myself.”

“You think it's my fault?”

“Partially, yes. I know what your reaction to what I'm going to say will probably be, but I'm going to say it anyway.” Benny shifted in his chair and looked directly at Dean. “Leave him. Break it off.”

Dean looked at him, a disbelieving look in his eyes.”What? Leave him? I could never do that.”

“Yes you can. It would help him in the long run. Think about it.”

Dean shook his head , unable to comprehend what Benny was saying. “I can't. I….I just couldn't.”

“Just a suggestion. Wouldn't it be refreshing to not be bound by him? To be free? To not have to worry about his outbursts, his moods, his behavior?”

“I can't. I mean, to be honest, yes, it'd be nice. I've thought about it, but you have to understand,” Dean shook his head, sadly, “He's my friend.”

“I'm your friend, you got lots of others. He's just baggage, Dean.”

He was right, Dean had more friends, and whenever he wasn't with Jerry, he had fun with them. They were his equal, his peers, and they didn't actually need him.

“Yea, but I just can't treat him like that. He's my….he's just…. I'm responsible for him..I don't know, I always have been.”

“He's your boy. Isn't that what you mean?”

Dean nodded with his eyes averted from Benny's.

“Jeanne doesn't like him very much.”

Dean stayed silent, he knew it was true. Nobody liked Jerry very much.

“I like him. I'm all he's got. You don't understand.”

“Just something to think about.”

“I'm gonna go.”

“Sure.”

They stepped outside into the cool night air and started walking.

“I'll see you around pal.”

“Come back to my hotel with me.”

“No, I.. can't. I…”

“Dean, you know you want to.”

“No,...”

Benny reached over and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I'll make it good for you.”

Dean only had to close his eyes once and imagine what it'd be like. He hadn't had any other men besides Jerry. Maybe it was time to make himself happy, maybe he needs this. He didn't think about it anymore before nodding at Benny and following him in the opposite direction, leaving Jerry to fend for himself.

Chapter Text

Jerry stood stage right, waiting for the cue. He looked directly across and still no Dean. He hadn't come back to the hotel last night,so Jerry thought he'd be doing the show by himself. He was nervous, but Jerry knew he couldn't disappoint the almost 5,000 fans who packed the Paramount to see Martin and Lewis, and still more waiting outside for the next show. It was a few minutes before 8 and Dean wasn't here. Dean hated him or he'd be here with his goofy grin and big dumb eyes, saying, “Ah Jer, you know,” but Jerry didn't know, not this time. Jerry didn't know what he'd do for the hour and a half that he would need to fill, but he could adlib, after all, it was their whole act. The orchestra started, and the announcer introduced Martin and Lewis to a shrieking theatre of girls, women and men too. Jerry ran out onstage to thunderous applause, without Dean. Jerry took the microphone, and as he started to speak, Dean was there. He put his arm around Jerry's shoulders and shrugged, as if to say, ‘the show must go on’ and it did. It was the same onstage, the same zany guys who loved and adored one another, sizzling chemistry and the always subtle hints of a barely hidden desire to run their hands all over one another. In between shows, Jerry stayed away, preferring to sit in the manager's office and smoke and think about what he was going to say to Dean or what Dean would say to him.

Finally they took their last bow and ran off stage, into their dressing room. Jerry sat down to catch his breath, but as Dean ran through the door, Jerry grabbed his things and went out. He walked the few blocks to their hotel and ran up the stairs. He went to his room,shut the door and went straight to the shower and into bed. He looked at his watch, not quite 2:30. He held his breath every time he heard any sounds at all but Dean never came and he didn't know how that made him feel. He wanted to mourn his loss, wanted for him to come through the door and hold him and tell him he loves him and nothing else mattered, but he also knew that wasn't going to happen, for one, that just isn't the way Dean operates. If Dean did come back, he would either be angry or he would say nothing at all. Jerry preferred that he be angry, because in his anger, Dean revealed things. Jerry would know, he could figure out what was causing his anger and he could go from there. But the silence, no, not the silence. It only meant that he had already made up his mind and nothing would change it. It would mean it was over. Benny would win. He would have Dean and the thought of that made Jerry quiver. He tightens his hold on the blankets, and prays. Could he live without him? Dear God, did he want to?

~~

This is their last night in New York and Jerry waited, just like last night. It was the same. Dean showed up at the last minute, as if he was trying to make Jerry sweat. The show was great, nobody knew there was something between them, something neither could explain. Their plane left for home at 9:00am the next morning. Jerry repeated what he did the night before, wondering if Dean would be back. He was in the shower when Dean came in and started packing. Jerry wrapped a towel around him and watched with his heart in pieces.

Dean looked up only after he had all his belongings. Before going out the door, he stopped and put his belongings in the hall to be picked up by the bellboy. He walked to Jerry, put one hand on the side of his face. He tried to say something, he tried real hard, but couldn't. Finally after one last caress, he was gone. It's a good thing, Jerry thought, that I was still wet from the shower, otherwise he would have seen the tears rolling down my face.

~~

He boarded the plane alone. He supposed Dean would get back home on his own. Jerry sat and looked at the seat beside him, Dean's seat. They were supposed to entertain each other with some sort of nonsense that one or the other had come up with, and then when their clowning subsided, they would sleep the rest of the way to LA. Jerry held on to the microscopic chance Dean would take his place beside him, but it was not to be, not like the previous two nights when Dean had shown up. As the plane climbed higher and higher, Jerry stared out the window wondering where he was, or if he'd come back.

~~

Los Angeles was a welcome sight for Jerry. The weather was changing and soon New York would have snow and ice, dirtied by cars and people. Patti met him and hugged and kissed her husband, overjoyed to see him home.

“I've missed you, darling.”

“How's the boys, princess?”

“In great need of their father.”

Jerry put his arm around her shoulders as they walked to the car together.

At home, Jerry was distant and not really irritable, but just not quite there. Patti felt his forehead to see if he was running a fever but was satisfied he was not.

After dinner, when the boys had gone upstairs, Patti questioned him. She knew his moods and could usually figure out what was bothering him. This has something to do with Dean, she thought, or else he would have confided in her.

“Tell me all about it.”

“What do you mean? About what?,” Jerry half laughed.

“It's about Dean because you never get this out of sorts about anything, or anybody else. And Dean didn't get off the plane with you, so what is it?”

“Nothin. I'm fine. I mean I will be.”

“Jerry. Don't do this. Don't let it eat at you till you're sick.”

Jerry shrugged, desperately wanting to tell someone but he couldn't.

“I think Dean may be leaving me.”

Patti looked at her husband as if she'd never seen him before.

“Jerry! Dean would never leave you. You know that. I'm sure whatever fight you two had this time isn't all that bad.”

Jerry turned his back to her so she couldn't see his face, but when his shoulders shook, Patti knew.

“Darling I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It must've been worse than I imagined.”

“Please don't tell anyone, especially Jeanne. Not her.”

“Jerry, you know you can trust me!”

“I'm sorry, I know that, of course I do, I'm just…I'm just lost Patti, so lost.”

Patti hugged him from behind and kissed his head. “It'll be ok. It has to be.”

She let him go and left the room.

Jerry flipped the TV on but he didn't even notice, he sat at his typewriter but the pages in it were empty and he had nothing to offer it. He wondered if he'd made it home. He wondered if he'd ever talk to him again and he wondered if this feeling would leave him, the feeling of being lost and alone, and desolate. The feeling of not caring if you even had a career and the scariest one of all, not caring if you even lived.

~~

Dean sat on the plane by the window. Usually this was Jerry's but it's the only seat available til tomorrow afternoon. Benny had some friends to visit upstate so he'd be back in L.A. next week. Dean liked him a lot, so why did he feel an immeasurable sadness, and why did he miss Jerry so much it made him crazy. It would pass. It would get easier. They still had to work together but Dean would make sure he got his due. No more indulging him, no more spoiling him, no more letting him have his way. Benny had opened his eyes. Dean knew Jerry, and he knew he flirted with men, mostly for a laugh, but Dean also knew he had had encounters with a few, maybe not of a sexual nature, but still, he was attracted. When Benny told him of the things Jerry had said, it wasn't too hard to believe. Jerry was becoming a man, a very attractive man. Dean knew this day would come, he knew his little buddy would grow up, but Dean always pushed the notion to the side. He acted like he still needed him so Dean was there, and the reasons really never mattered to him. Now, he has to ask himself ‘why’? Why did Dean continue treating him like he was a kid? Jerry loved it and expected it, that's why. Why did he protect him from every single thing that he was a tiny bit afraid of? Dean had lots of answers, but the truth was he loved him, but Benny's right, distancing himself from Jerry would be good for him, it would make him strong and independent. But what would it make me, Dean thought? He liked Benny a lot. He'd been a good friend to him, but there was still Jerry. There were still contracts to fulfill. He would still work with him but only work. No clowning, no going out, no rendezvous’ to the beach. How could he handle that? How would Jerry handle that? Dean knew one thing, if for some reason Jerry fell apart, Dean knew he'd be there. He could not do that to him, he would not. He knew his fragile mental health was at stake and he would not be the one to destroy him. He'd die if something happened to him, he knew he would.

~~

“Hello Jer.”

Jerry turned his head to see Dean standing off to the side of him. Jerry was, as usual, in the theater early for rehearsals.

“Hello” It had been several days since he'd seen him. Jerry was relieved he had even shown up. “Didn't know if you'd gotten back or not.”

“Got back late.”

“Oh.”

“We need to talk.”

“Yea.”

“Not here.”

“Where then?”

“Let's go to one of the offices.”

Jerry leads the way. He wants this over with as soon as possible, clear the air. “What is it, Paul?”

“What's going on between you and Benny?”

“Nothin is, but what specifically do you mean?”

“You know I've been with him. He's a good guy Jerry.”

“Not to me.”

“Why?”

Jerry looked past him and then down at his feet. “I don't like him.”

“But you don't have a reason, Jerry.”

“Why don't I? What do you know? Anything?”

“Just what he's told me.”

Jerry laughed, a bitter, sad laugh, and shook his head. “What he's told you, huh?”

“Yeah, Jer.”

“You believe him?”

“The way you been acting? Yea.”

Jerry wanted to tell him everything, but what he wanted most of all was for Dean to have told Benny he was a liar. He didn't trust me, Jerry thought, and that hurts. He would not let Dean see it. “What do you want to do?”

“Continue working… with some changes.”

“What changes?”

Dean was nervous, Jerry could tell by the way he stuck his hands in his pockets and walked to the other side of the room, as if he didn't want to say what he was gonna say. “We gotta separate. It's for our own good. Especially yours.”

“You mean not working together anymore?”

“No Jer, course not. We've got contracts to fulfill.”

Jerry's face fell. “Oh.”

“You've grown up. You don't need me anymore.”

Jerry panicked, “I do need you!”

“For what, Jerry? So you can say anything that comes to your mind and get away with it because I'm standing right behind you? Or for me to tell you you're cute as hell right before I give into you about some bullshit thing that I think isn't good for our act? You're a man. Act like one.”

Jerry didn't know whether to be angry, sad, defensive, hurt or all of the above, so he didn't say anything. He just turned around, bowed his head and said, “Ok, Dean. It's your call.” He walked out without looking back.

Dean joined him a few minutes later, and rehearsals went ok, everybody knew something was off. This wasn't the Dean and Jerry they knew. There were no ad-libbed lines, and no nonsense. Where there used to be rough housing and laughter, there was quiet and calm. When rehearsal was done, Dean left immediately, while Jerry sat in his dressing room and watched. He couldn't help but break down, and he fears there'll be a lot of days like this.

~~

Weeks went by, Christmas was upon them and Jerry wasn't looking forward to it. He had been irritable around just about everybody, including his wife who was at her wits end.

“Jerry, come help with the tree. The boys miss you.”

“I'll be there when I can.”

“You’re not doing anything, Jerry, except staring out of that same window.”

“I'm sorry. I'll come”

Jerry tried to be a father to them but it was hard when your heart wasn't in it, if he even had a heart left. Dean had crushed it into a million tiny pieces and he knew it would never be whole again.

“Darling, we saved the top of the tree for you, since you're so tall.

“Sure. Guess it's an advantage.” Jerry reached up to put the remaining ornaments on the top part of the tree. When the tree was decorated, they all stood back to admire it. Jerry was a little dizzy so he sat down.

“Jerry, what's wrong?”

“Just a little dizzy. Probably from not eating.”

“Jerry, what!? I knew you weren't, but you said you always ate at the studio.”

“I do, I mean, I try, really I do, it's just I've got so much on my mind.”

“I'll be back. You stay put.”

Patti came back with a sandwich and potato chips with a glass of milk. “You'll eat this right now.”

“I'm just……”

“I don't want to hear it, Jerry, you have got to eat.”

“I'll try, but it'll spoil my dinner.”

“I've noticed you haven't been eating a lot at dinner either.”

“I'll do better.” Jerry had a habit of doing that, putting people at ease, but he knew it would take some time before things got back to normal.

Christmas came and went. Dean never called or came by. No Christmas present, no card, no nothing. Jerry didn't know how long he could take it, not being able to express what he feels for Dean. No matter what Dean thought of him, Jerry loved him more than anything in the world. He had sent Dean a beautiful pinky ring with a note attached, nothing too personal, but Jerry still loved him, and loved to get him gifts.

They would be leaving for Vegas to do a week-long gig on New Year's eve and for the first time, Jerry was filled with dread. Jerry arrived at the airport only to be told the flight was delayed due to a bad storm. He was sitting in a booth at a small diner next to the airport when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see his worst nightmare standing, looking down on him. “May I join you?”

“I'd rather you wouldn't.”

“Now Jer, don't be like that just because I've got the one thing you want more than anything on this earth.”

“Yea, it's funny how you get over people,” Jerry lied.

Benny laughed, cold and uncaring. “Saw the ring.”

Jerry just nodded. Benny sat down anyway.

“Listen kid, that wasn't a good move.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“Don't send him anything else.”

“I'll send him anything I want.”

“What did I tell you, huh? Sleep with me.”

“I won't.”

“Then you'll never have him back. He'll hate you.”

“He already does.”

“Not yet.”

Jerry took notice. So he didn't hate him.

“Maybe he'll never hate me. Maybe you're just wasting your time, and maybe, just maybe, he'll wind up hating you. He knows me, he doesn't know you, obviously. You'll never change that.”

Benny's face turned red, anger bubbling up from somewhere within. “If that happens, you better run. I'll never let you rest, you little bastard!”

Jerry's back straightened, undaunted by Benny's anger. If Dean still felt a little for him, it meant that he really loved him, and Jerry knew true love never goes away. It's always there. But Benny was another problem. He had given him a challenge of sorts, and with the increasing knowledge that Benny was unstable, it scared him a little, but he also knew Dean could take care of himself.

“I won't run. I'll never run.”

“That's good…and a little stupid. You'll be easy for me to find. You know, as stupid as you are, I still find you attractive. Guess Dean hasn't seen the stupid side of you.”

“Dean has seen every side of me, literally.” Jerry knew he shouldn't have said it, but it was irresistible.

Benny's hand hit the table, his face mere inches from his, finger in his face, against his nose, “You'll pay. Wait and see. You'll pay dearly.”

Jerry could only stare. He somehow sensed he meant it, but what terrified him the most is not knowing his intent, and not knowing who he intended on making pay. The thought of Dean being in danger chilled him to his core. His decision was instant. He had to see Dean. If he had to beg and plead, he would. He could not let Dean take the fall. He would not, because Dean meant something to him. He meant life.

Chapter Text

Dean, I'm telling you, the kid's gone stark craving mad. He told me in those exact words.”

“It doesn't sound like Jerry, but he has changed.”

“For the worst.”

“Yea.” Dean stared out the window, but not for too long since he didn't really like planes, besides he's not used to sitting here.

“I'm sorry, Dino. I know you still care about him.”

Dean didn't say anything for a good long while. He was deep in thought, letting his cigarette burn out. Finally, Benny took it out from between his fingers, alerting him that he wasn't alone. “You ever had somebody who you loved, but you shouldn't, but you just loved them anyway?”

“No, Dino, I don't think I ever have.”

“Don't, because it's not worth it, leastways I don't think it is.”

Benny smirked, his plan working perfectly. “Don't think too much about it. He's his own man. He's letting you know.”

“But to say I was only a stepping stone to something bigger?? Doesn't sound like him.”

“He's a little jealous, Dean..of me and you.”

Dean once again stared out the windows of the plane. “He’s always jealous. Every time I get a friend that's not him, he's jealous. I used to just ruffle his hair and tell him he's still the one, but I guess you're right, he's grown up. I…” Dean looked over at Benny who had a look about him that Dean had never seen. As soon as he looked, Benny snapped out of it and plastered a sad smile on his face. “Sorry, didn't mean to go on about him. It's just… we've been through a lot together and…” Dean stopped before he got choked up. He took a long draw off his cigarette and blew the plume of smoke towards the window.

“Dean, he's moved on, you should too. He told me you two were never really that close, that you just got in his way.”

“I got….what??”

“You got in his way and that he had to pretend when…you know…when you two were together.”

Dean was hurt and ashamed and angry all at one time. Finally after every emotion he thought he could feel was out of his system, only the anger remained. “Fine by me, if it's what he wants, it's what he'll get.”

“What're you talking about Dino?”

“I'm leaving him.”

Benny smirked, satisfied that Dean was so easily duped. “You're leaving him?”

“Soon as I can.”

“That's what you want?”

“Definitely.”

“You gonna tell him?”

“I don't know if I want to see him.”

“Then don't. No need to upset yourself.”

“Yea. No need.” The rest of the hour plane ride was in silence. When they landed, Dean made reservations at a different hotel from the one Jerry was at. Dean was silent all night, preferring to sit up in a chair, chain smoking until he thought he'd be sick. He let what Benny said play around in his mind, at one point he got up and got dressed, going to Jerry's hotel to just be with him. He'd know then. Then he thought there was no way Benny would lie to him, Jerry has done this a million times because he's so jealous, but this time it's different. Jerry's not a kid anymore. He knew Benny would tell me, it's why he told him, because he couldn't tell me himself. Dean fell asleep, wondering how in the world he would face him tomorrow night, but he would, he'd have to, until he could get out of this partnership for good.

~~

Jerry had called half the hotels in Vegas, looking for Dean. He would not be daunted. He had to talk to him before tomorrow night, and if it killed him, he would find him. He had called all the nicer hotels, but no luck. Finally, after he had crossed the last of the nice hotels off his list,he began calling the mid grade hotels and finally found him. He had registered under a name that only Jerry knew, they often did this to divert fans so they could have privacy.

Jerry knows him, and knows where he's at. If there was a room 316, that's where he'd be. He didn't bother to stop at the desk,he just bounded up the stairs, found the right room and knocked.

He knocked again and again until Dean swung the door open, angry that the person on the other side kept knocking. He was bare chested, pants unzipped and unbuttoned.

Jerry surged past him and turned around, as Dean slammed the door.

“Paul, please. Please listen to me. He's bad,Paul, real bad and dangerous. Don't listen to him, please come with me.”

“What in the hell are you talking about?? What are you doing here?”

“Dean please. He threatened me and maybe you. He said I'd be sorry.”

“Who threatened you Jerry?!” Dean's protective instincts over Jerry came to the front.

“That guy you call your friend. Benny. He's lying, Paul. I don't know what he told you but it's not true. Please Paul!”

Dean stared at Jerry in disbelief. “I can't believe you Jerry! What's got into you? You're not even the same person anymore. Just get out. In fact, I want out, Jerry. The partnership. I want out.”

Jerry felt like he'd been struck by lightning, a strange current surged through his body. He found the edge of a chair and fell into it. He looked up at Dean, who had made a move to catch him, then he stuffed his hands in his pockets to disguise his action. “You w-what? Dean, you don't mean it…p-please say it's a joke!” Jerry looked up at him with pleading eyes.

“Don't give me that Jerry. I'm tired of your little games, I've put up with them for over seven years. No more.” Dean turned around, as Jerry rose from his place in the chair.

“Don't. I- I'm not ready. Please Dean.” Jerry was crying like a baby now,,and Dean was holding on to the last of his resolve.

“Get out, Jerry.” Dean said through gritted teeth.

Jerry ran to the door, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing. “I'm sorry Dean, I'm sorry for anything you th-think I did. I promise I'll do whatever you say.”

Dean turns, with more anger on his face than Jerry had ever seen. “Go Jerry! And don't come back!”

Jerry backs out the door, runs down the steps two at a time and into the night. He walks a few blocks, not knowing where he was going or even where he was at.

A black car pulls up to the curb and a man gets out and grabs Jerry's arm. Jerry turns to look at Benny's cold, hard face, but it only makes Jerry angry.

“He's all yours! You won. He hates me, and he never wants to see me again!”

“Oh I won alright. But there's one thing I'll give ya, Jer… Dean does not hate you, no matter what he says. That's one thing I don't like about him, his love of you. But I'm going to make sure he never sees you again…get in that car.”

Jerry looks around and finds he has walked into an alley between two abandoned warehouses. Nobody was around to help him. “No, I won't!”

“Get in or you'll be sorry.”

“I said no.”

“Dean was right, you're a crazy kid.” Benny grabs him by the arm and drags him to the car. Jerry breaks away and runs as fast as he can down the alley. He turns the corner and finds himself behind one of the warehouses, with Benny now in the car speeding towards him. Jerry runs as fast as he can but the car catches him, right before Jerry falls into a pile of old boards. Jerry prays as Benny gets out, jerks him upright and punches his face. Jerry falls again but Benny hauls him to the car, throws him in the backseat and locks the door.

The car speeds away to God knows where, Jerry couldn't see. They drove for what seemed like an hour before pulling up to a ramshackle building with no windows. During the ride, Jerry had tried to unlock the door but Benny had pulled over, went to the back of the car to retrieve a set of handcuffs. Jerry secured in the backseat, he sped away once again.

He pulls Jerry from the car, and into the building. He forced him down on a cot and handcuffed him to the bedpost. “Now you'll stay here until I figure out your fate”

“You're leaving me here? But you can't, you can't! I've got a show to do. Don't do this!”

“Shut up! You're pathetic! I don't see what he ever saw in you.”

“He loved me until you ruined it! You ruined it!”

Benny laughed, cold and without emotion. “ Sorry about that but I get what I want.”

“Dean will see. He'll miss me. He won't let you get away with it!”

“We'll see about that. He'll just think you left, ran away like you ran to Carmel. He won't miss you, I'll make sure of that.”

“Let me out of here!” Jerry thrashed around until he was breathless, only making his wrists sore and raw from the handcuffs.

After giving one last victorious glance at Jerry, Benny was gone, leaving Jerry screaming into the night, alone and cold. The only other sounds were the faint popping of fireworks, miles away, signaling it was a New Year. Happy New Year to me, Jerry told himself, a pathetic laugh escaping his lips followed by cries which nobody would hear. Jerry was alone, and the only thing he could think of was Dean.

~~~

Dean waited stage left. This isn't like him at all. He's usually here, waiting on me. It was just a few minutes before their cue and Dean was nervous, because Jerry was always here. He was the spark, the ignition, that made the team go, he has to admit that.

The cue. The band played and Dean had to go on without him. He danced up to the mike, still looking for Jerry's presence, but no Jerry. He would have to do this alone.

The band cued his first number, and Dean began to sing. When the song had finished, he ran behind the curtain, hopeful Jerry would be hopping around, trying to get dressed, but much to Dean's dismay he wasn't.

“Where is he?!” He talked to the manager and some stage hands.

“Nobody's seen him. We're just as much in the dark as you.”

“What am I supposed to do, sing all night?”

“Until we figure something out, then yes.”

“They didn't come to see me sing all night. They came to see Jerry and me together.” Dean thought about what he just said. Would an audience want to see me without Jerry, Dean thinks?

“Just go sing, we'll make some calls, and try to get somebody in here.”

Dean goes out and apologizes for Jerry's absence and makes whatever jokes he can muster. After about three songs, the management had gotten the comic who played the same theatre but hadn't left town yet. Dean was apprehensive working with anybody else but it had to be done. After the first show, they got together to do some of Dean's and Jerry's material and it worked out ok, just not with the pratfalls and the voice and the mugging. The audience was ok with it but they needed to make an announcement about Jerry and soon because you could hear the whispers between shows about Jerry's absence.

“I'll throttle him, I swear I'll throttle him! Why would he do this??” Dean had called their manager asking if he'd heard from them.

“I haven't heard anything. Why on earth would he skip out on you? Something's not right Dino. Has he been acting ok or has he been talking about something unusual?”

“Yea, I told him we were through! And after this stunt, I really mean it. I'm done, and I don't care about any contract. That's what lawyers are for.”

“You told him what?”

“You heard me.”

“What the hell Dean!”

“I'll explain later. I've still got two shows to do tonight, then I don't want to see him ever again.”

Dean slammed the phone down and got through the rest of the night, even though the audience dwindled when they found out they weren't seeing Martin and Lewis.

Benny picked him up and drove him to the hotel. Dean was quiet, so Benny didn't try to make him talk. Benny seems to understand he and Jerry's relationship.

“Thanks for picking me up. I'm…. I don't know, I just don't understand. He skipped a performance. It's so unlike him.”

“Dean, I told you..he acted really strange the other day when he talked to me about you.”

“Are you sure he didn't say anything else? Did he give any clue that would tell you about why he wasn't with me tonight?”

“Sorry Dean. He didn't. He acted real bitter though. I told him it wouldn't do him any good to be bitter. I think he's just had it.”

I can't understand him.”

“Don't worry about him. Let him take care of himself. It's time, Dean.”

For the first time in days, Dean felt a rush of sympathy for him. “I know, but it's not his fault, not really. I did it. I caused it. I…. I'm sorry.”

“It's not important now. You're free, Dean, free from him. He held you back. No more. Be glad he didn't show up.”

Dean looks at Benny quizzically, “I'm trying to be glad but I can't. I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong.” Dean shakes his head, “Why am I getting this feeling that he's in trouble? Why?” Dean puts his face in his hands and just sits, thinking.

“C'mon Dino. Let's get out and go up to your room. We can talk there.”

Dean nods his head. “Yeah. Sure.”

Once inside his room, Dean undresses with Benny watching.

“Come lay down. It's almost 3:00 am.”

Dean missed Benny's meaning and just sat on the small sofa instead. He lights a cigarette and stares out of the window. “We're gonna have to cancel tomorrow night if I can't reach him. I'll call Patti tomorrow, see where he is.”

“What if she doesn't know?”

Dean looked up at Benny. “Why wouldn't she know?”

“Like I told ya…he was pretty upset. He might've just took off, without thinking.”

“He always tells Patti, maybe not where, but she always knows.”

Benny said no more. Dean thought he looked nervous, but figured it was because he was worried too.

“Listen, I'm gonna get some sleep, maybe you should at least try to do the same.”

“Yea. Guess I'll try…. listen, why don't you just stay here. It's late. No need for you to get a room.”

“Thanks Dean. I am tired.”

Benny goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing his boxers. He climbed in bed, waiting on Dean.

“Dean? Dean?”

“Sorry?”

“Come to bed.”

“Just gonna sit here and have another smoke. I'll come soon”

Benny shook his head and rolled over and went to sleep. Dean stayed by the window, looking out over the horizon, Las Vegas right below them. “Where are you?” Dean whispered, “Where are you?”

~~

The sun shone brightly in Dean's eyes, awakening him with a start. He jumped to his feet, trying to remember where he was and who was in his bed. It hit him suddenly and his heart fell, a sadness he'd never felt before. He showered, dressed, and when he came back Benny was gone. He shrugged, telling himself he'll talk to him later.

He dialed the long distance operator and in a few minutes time, Dean was connected to the Lewis household in Bel Air.

“Hello?” A child's voice answered, Jerry's eldest boy.

“Son, let me speak to your mom if it's ok?”

“Uncle Dean? Uncle Dean, where's my Dad?”

“It's ok. We'll find him, nothing for you to worry about.

Dean heard Patti tell him to go outside and took the receiver, “Hello Dean, where is he? That's all the news has been talking about. Why wasn't he there?”

“Patti, I…. I don't know, I was hoping you'd know. He didn't tell you anything?”

“No, Dean, he's never done anything like this before. Find him. Please.”

“I'll find him.”

Dean didn't know anything else to tell her. So he hung up and contemplated what he had to do. He had to find him and he'd go to the ends of the earth to do it.

~~

Jerry prayed all night. He had come to the realization that he would be here till somebody found him. His wrists ached, but not as bad as his back. He would have to come back, Benny that is. He wouldn't leave him here. He couldn't. Dean would find him, he always knew where he was. Dean would find him soon and he would tell him he lied. He didn't want to leave him. Jerry knew he would and that's the thought he held onto throughout the day when Benny didn't come. Dean would come. He knew he would.

Chapter Text

Benny peered in at Jerry. He was sleeping with his brows furrowed, obviously in turmoil.

“Jerry! Wake up!”. Jerry jerked up but realized too late his wrists were still bound to the head of the bed. He winced, biting his dry lips, in obvious pain.

“I need water. Let me out of these handcuffs. I can't do this anymore. Where's Dean? What did you do with him?”

“What do you mean? You think I'd hurt Dean? I wouldn't ever.” Benny gave Jerry a devious grin.

“I don't believe you,” Jerry cried. “Please don't!”

Benny laughed, a jeering laugh, openly mocking Jerry. “You'll just have to wonder, won't you Jerm?”

“No! Please don't leave me here. I'll leave Dean. He'll never have to know. I have a family. Don't do this to them!”

“You and Dean gravitate towards one another and I'll never understand it! If I let you go, you'll find each other immediately, even though you say you won't look for him. So no, I'm not letting you go. You'll stay here until I decide what to do.”

“No! Please, I need water. Don't do this!”

“Benny considered his plea, walked up to him, smiled, and hit him hard in his jaw.”

“That'll teach you. Don't ever ask for anything!”

Benny gave one laugh and left, echos of Jerry's screams in his ears.

~~

“Frank! I need to see you. Now.”

Frank had been a friend to both Dean and Jerry throughout their careers, befriended them early on, immensely loving both boys.

“Sure Dino. What's up? You sound pretty frantic.”

“I am. I'm scared, Frank.”

“Dean, what is it?”

“I need to see you.”

“You know where I'm stayin here in LA. C'mon over.”

“On my way”

~~

“Whaddya mean you don't know where he's at??”

“I don't! He took off and nobody's seen him for two days. I'm worried, Frank.”

“I just thought you two had a blow-up and he ran away. Hasn't he done it before?”

“Yes, when he was just a kid,and he never missed a performance. That's what I'm saying, this is not like him! Something is wrong, I can feel it. I know it is.”

“You've talked to Patti, right?”

“Yes. She's frantic. He hasn't been in contact with her. I tried to ease her mind. I told her I'd find him. I've got to.”

“The papers are having a field day.”

“Jack said he'd take care of it, tell ‘em some story about Jerry working too hard, and needing a break.”

“Dino, has he acted strange or said anything that was off… I mean off for Jerry?”

Dean was quiet, chewing on his thumbnail, “I told him I was leaving him.”

Frank stood up, “You what?”

“You heard me.”

“Why, Dean?”

“Long story.”

“I got all night.”

~~

Frank walked to the bar and poured he and Dean a bourbon. “So he's jealous? Why?”

“He's always jealous. I just never gave it much thought before. I mean, he knew I'd never replace him.”

“He thinks you did.”

“Yea, he does, but I've never been allowed to have another close friend besides him, he's always jealous, always clinging…”

“You let him, you even encouraged it. It's not completely his fault.”

“I know,” Dean said after some time.

“This friend of yours, who is he?”

“I already told ya.”

“I mean who is he, where's he from, how does he make dough?”

Dean told him what he knew about him

“If you're thinkin he had something to do with it, then you're wrong.”

“Not saying that at all. Now, what you've got to do is check anyplace you think he may have gone.”

“Yea I can do that.”

“I'll see if I can find out if anybody saw him after he left your hotel room.”

“I should've followed him, I shouldn't have ever let him leave in that condition.”

“It's done, Dino. Can't take it back.”

“What if something's happened to him?”

“Don't even go there.”

Dean's haunted eyes, pleading with Frank, really for the first time, told Frank how much that kid meant to Dean.

Dean nodded his head, “I'm going to call the hotel we stay at in Carmel, but he's not there, I know he's not.

“Telepathy?”

“What?”

“What they say you two have. You're so close, you know what the other is thinking?”

“Yea. I feel something Frank. I feel it and it's not good.”

~~

“I've checked everywhere, Frank. Nobody's seen him.

“Ok. The last person to see him was the guy at the hotel you stayed at. The guy at the desk saw him run down the steps, two at a time, and out the door. He said all he said was “no, no, he can't, he just can't.”

“Because of me. It's my fault.”

“Stop Dino. We've got to move forward with this, not backwards.”

“I know, but dammit, where is he?!!”

“Dean? It might be time to get the police involved. It's been three days.”

“Don't, Frank. Don't say that. He's not, he's not…!”

“Dino, get hold of yourself! We don't know anything yet. They've got more resources than we do.”

Dean grabbed his head and squeezed. “If anything has happened to him, Frank,” Dean smashed his hand down on the coffee table in front of him, “I don't know what I'll do.” Dean said the last part calmly.

“Now Dino, c'mon. Don't talk like that.”

“I cannot help it.”

“Let's go to the police” Frank called for his driver while Dean collected himself. He would have to tell Patti but he'd do that in person. It's his fault, he'll face Patti himself.

~~

“We'll be in touch.” Frank, Dean, and Patti left police headquarters with Patti so upset, she was inconsolable. Dean felt sick to his stomach.

“Take her home.” Frank gives his driver instructions to take Patti home.

“Dean, let's go back to my place for a drink.”

“I feel like I need to be doing something, Frank.”

“What? There's nothing to do unless you can remember something, anything.”

“I've tried. I don't remember anything out of the ordinary. He just told Benny all sorts of things Jerry said about me. I flew off the handle.”

“This Benny character, when am I gonna meet him?”

“Soon as we find Jer.”

“Did he stay behind in Vegas?”

“I…well, I'm not sure. I was so worried about Jerry,, that I haven't paid much attention to him.”

“We need to talk to him. See what he knows.”

“He doesn't know any more than I do. Besides, I think he tried to stay away from Jerry. He knew how jealous Jerry was.”

“Still, we need to talk to him.”

“Why am I here? He disappeared from Vegas. That's where we need to start.”

“The jet is ready when you are.”

“Now”

The police in Vegas questioned them, along with Benny. He had stayed behind because of a business venture, he said. Dean didn't ask questions, not now, because of his frantic worry of Jerry.

Frank got them a hotel suite so Dean could rest. He was worried about him and didn't know how much longer he could take the not knowing. Dean had lain on the bed and fell into a fitful sleep. Frank took the opportunity to go down and use a private phone.

He waited a few moments and the line connected. “Yea, it's me. I need a favor.”

“Sure, Frankie, anything.”

“A guy named Benny, Dino's new friend. I need information on him, anything you can find, where he's from, background, anything.”

“Will do boss.”

“Send me a telegram, no calls.”

“Yes sir.”

Frank had a feeling, not a good one about Benny. Jerry didn't like him and that was good enough for Frank.

~~~

Jerry had lost track of the time, and the day. All he knew was it was light and then it was dark. He had stopped being hungry, he had stopped hurting. He was just here. He didn't even know how he got here, wherever here was. He knew he was Jerry, but nothing else stirred any memory except Dean. He knew Dean and he knew he would help him in his own time. He was angry at him but he didn't know why. He will come, Jerry thought, when he's not angry anymore. Jerry smiled and closed his eyes.

~~

Dean sat straight up, his breathing short and labored. Sweat soaked his chest and back. He thought he was gonna be sick. With shaking hands, he grabbed his cigarettes and paced the floor. What did he just dream? Was it real or just a dream? Jerry called his name. He heard it, he actually heard it. He wants to go to him, but he doesn't know where to go. It was cruel if it was just a dream. He couldn't see him but he was reaching for him, he needed me, Dean thought, and I'm not there. How helpless, he's never felt helpless before. He's always had control, but not this time, and Dean thinks it will drive him insane. A thought has occurred to him that Jerry may be hiding out just to get back at him, but then Dean thinks no way he'd do that to Patti and his kids. He's in big trouble and the longer it takes to find him, the chances of finding him safe, dwindle. Dean could not bear that load, he could not live with that guilt.

The door knob turned and Frank came in.

“Dino, you ok?”

“Yea.”

“You look like you've been in a fight.”

Dean lifted his cigarette to his lips, hands unsteady, shaking the fire off into the floor. “I feel like it.”

“C'mon, put that out,” Frank said as he grabbed the cigarette and put it out in the ashtray.

“Frank? I had this dream.” Dean looked at him with the most haunted eyes Frank had ever seen. “He called my name. It was real. I heard it.”

“It was a dream, Dino. It wasn't real.” Frank shook his head sadly. He had all the money in the world, but he couldn't help his friend, and it made him feel helpless.

“It was.” Dean lifted his eyes to Frank, begging him to believe him.

After several minutes, Frank turned to Dean, a thought forming in his head.

“Dean, in your dream, could you see anything? I mean, where Jerry was or anything like that?”

“I just heard his voice calling me. It got closer and closer, then I woke up.”

“Maybe that telepathy stuff is real. Maybe it's true what they say, you two can tell when the other is sick.”

“I can, Frank. I can always tell when my partner is sick or if something's bothering him. It's true.”

“Then he needs help. He's in trouble Dino, big trouble.”

Dean couldn't take it anymore. He broke down, all the way down. “Let me have some time, Frank.. please.”

Frank put his hand on Dean's shoulder, “You got it, pal.”

Dean bowed his head and hid his face and when Frank left, Dean lay on the bed and wailed, “Please, Jer, if you can, show me where you are.. please.”

~~

He didn't know why, but Dean is asking for him, he is begging. Why doesn't he come? What's taking him so long? He's never been angry at him this long before. He really messed up, but if he will come and set him free, he will be the best for him. His mouth is dry and he knows his once supple lips are dry and cracked open. He doesn't want Dean to see him but he has no choice. If only he can go and change clothes, maybe have a bath, then Dean could see him. It is dark again, so at least it's cooler. He sleeps for a while and then he is awake, thinking about who he is. He is Jerry, but what does Jerry do? He wants to get up and dance and be loud and have people tell him he's wonderful but he doesn't know why. Dean will know. He always knows everything. He sleeps again, this time dreaming of his Dean, the one who saved him, the one who made him, the only one who ever loved him.

~~

Dean lay in a tangled mess of blankets, thrashing, crying, begging for him. “It's my fault, Jer. I shouldn't have been so angry. I should have talked to you about it, I should have given you a chance, instead of just throwing you out. I will, buddy, if you'll come back to me. Let me help you. Please tell me where you are.”

Dean finally stood up and went to the shower. His head was pounding, but it felt only minutely better to be clean. He just didn't care. He hadn't eaten anything in 24 hours, and wasn't hungry.

There's a knock at the door, Dean absentmindedly says, “come in.”

Benny slowly opens the door and steps inside. “Dino?”

Dean turns at the voice, strangely not feeling anything for him. Before Jerry disappeared, he thought he'd found somebody just like Jerry, not goofy and chaotic like Jerry, but somebody who made him feel like Jerry did when they first met. Benny made him feel needed and adored and admired, no matter if he was just a two bit hustler from Ohio. He needed it, he still did, but only from Jerry. He is the only one who could ever fulfill that need. But Jerry didn't need him anymore, and he will respect that. “Oh. Hi.”

“What a greeting”

“Sorry, I'm just, I don't know.”

“Still nothing, I assume?”

“Nothing.”

Benny breathed a sigh of relief, “He'll turn up, probably playing some sort of game with you.”

“No he's not. No matter what kind of fight or argument, Jerry would never do that. He's in trouble, I know he is. He called out for me.”
Benny tilted his head, and furrowed his brows, “What exactly are you saying?”

“I heard him. He needs me, he called for me to come, but I don't know where he is.”

“You mean a dream?”

“Telepathy is what they say we have. I never paid much attention to it, but I always knew it was true to a certain extent. I know when he's sick, even if we're miles away from each other. It's always been like that between us.”

“So you can tell where he's at or if he's in trouble?”

“I don't know that yet, but I do know he's in trouble. I hated the dream I had, because I can't stand the thought of Jerry being hurt, but now….I want to dream more, maybe it'll trigger something he said or even show me where he's at.”

“You believe that?”

“I have to. He depends on me, and if it's the last thing I do, I'll find him. And another thing…” Dean looked at Benny with the darkest, most sinister eyes he'd ever seen, and it frightened him, “If anybody has anything to do with his disappearance or if Jerry is hurt in any way, even a little bit, I'll kill whoever it is, I swear I will.”

“Listen, I'll let you be alone. Looks like it's really affected you. I'm sure he'll turn up, Dean.”

“Yea…. listen I'd ask you to stay but this is Frank's room.”

“Its fine, Dino. I've got a room at a hotel across town. I'll be seein you.”

Benny shut the door quietly and stepped into the hallway. He decided to make his move. Dean could not find him, because Jerry would tell. He had nothing more to lose. He knew what he had to do. Let's see how important Dean is to him, let's see how far Jerry will go to protect him.

Chapter Text

It was dark once again but Jerry did not know it. He felt strange, he felt different. His arms were lying over his head, but not suspended. The burning sensation throbbed, it hurt, but Jerry did not react to it. He wonders what happened. He was weak, too weak, to even think anymore. Dean was slowly slipping away, and he tried, oh how he tried to call for him one more time. There's a light, shining directly on him, but he can't make out the face behind it. “Who are you?”

“You don't know?”

“No. I just wanna go to sleep. Turn the light out. Please.”

Benny noticed his hands had slipped through the handcuffs, “What the hell?! How did you get out of these?!” Benny picked up the handcuffs and held them out in front of Jerry.

Jerry looked through him. He couldn't talk, couldn't think. “Have I been here forever?”

“Six days. You've lost weight. You're not even cute anymore. I don't think I even want you, and Dean won't either. You're disgusting.”

“Dean? You know where he is? Tell him to come to me. Tell him I'm sorry and not to be angry anymore.”

“Come? To you? He hates you, don't you know that? Haven't you heard?”

“No! He can't. Tell him I'm sorry!”

“Too late. He's moved on. He's already forgotten you.”

“No! I know Dean. He wouldn't. He's been angry before. He always forgives me.”

“I'm telling you, he's moved on. Told me to give you a message. He said good luck out here. He said he hopes you rot.”

Jerry was openly crying, “No he couldn't have. Dean loves me. He's the only one who ever did.”

“Oh shut up! You've got a wife”

Jerry tried to raise his head but it fell back down. “A wife? I have a wife?”

“Stop playing with me!”

“I-im not. I d-dont know who you are.”

“You're telling me you've never seen me before?”

“No.. I swear! I can't see your face. You know Dean, that's all I know.”

Benny had to make a decision, right now. It was only a matter of time before he was found, but it's too dangerous to trust him not to say anything, but on the other hand, if he dies, he couldn't say anything. That creates another disaster… Dean would never get over him.

“You'll stay here a little longer. Dean won't find you. You're in the middle of nowhere. Bye Jerry. Sleep well.”

Jerry closed his eyes, unable to move. His whole body was bruised and his wrists ached. He couldn't feel his legs. Benny bent over him and sticks a needle into his side. Jerry screams before passing out into oblivion.

~~

Jerry looked into the sky, bright and sunny, waves crashed at the shore a few feet away. It was beautiful here, a warm breeze caressing his cheeks. God, they needed this, he and Dean. They had been working non stop, almost a whole month without a break, and they just said to themselves one day, the hell with it, we need a break. So here they were, together. Dean had gone into the ocean for a swim, and Jerry could just see his dark curly hair, if he raises his head enough.

“C'mon Jer!”

“I'm comin Paul! Wait on me!”

“I'm waitin.”

When Jerry had caught up with him, he grabbed for his neck, piggyback style. “Hey, what's this? My little partner is scared or he just likes to be near me?”

“Your little partner likes to be near you…a lot!”

They both threw their faces to the sun and laughed, what a beautiful sound, to hear Dean laugh. Dean twirled them around and around until they both fell into the water, laughing. Dean hauled him up to him and wiped his ridiculous hair out of his face, “Im gonna cut it yet.”

“Gotta catch me first!” Jerry took off swimming for shore, with Dean right behind him. Once on dry land, Dean grabbed at Jerry's ankle, tripping them both. They went tumbling down on the sand, with Dean trapping Jerry underneath him.

“Hmm, guess I caught ya.” Dean looked serious now, his fingers tracing around the shape of Jerry's face, ending on his lips.

Jerry stopped smiling and was now gripping Dean's back, urging him into a kiss. It was long and sweet and passionate and Jerry loved him like he's never loved anything or anybody in his whole life.

“I…oh Paul.”

“What is it?” Dean looked into the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen, “tell me, Jer, I…”

“I love you, how I love you.”

“Me too, y'know.”

“Oh Paul. Paul!”

Jerry cried into his shoulder and as Dean kissed his tears away and made him whole, Jerry swore he'd love this man and honor him the rest of his life. He saved me, Jerry thought, he saved me, and as he gripped tighter, Dean cried out his name, over and over. Jerry was losing control, and seconds later he gripped impossibly tighter, legs wrapping around his waist as he screamed his name to the heavens.

“Dean! Oh Dean!”

~~

Dean sucked in a breath and sat upright. “Jerry! Jerry!”

It was 4:00am, Dean looked around, he was in his hotel room. Frank came in from the other room, “Dean what's wrong??

“I, it's Jerry. I heard him. We were on the beach, Frank. I -I saw him. He was young and beautiful and we, we, were together. We were working really hard. Jerry still had his hair.” Dean smiled for the first time in days. “He's alive Frank! He is. He's going to tell me where he is, I know it!”

“You saw a beach? Where at?”

“Carmel, but that's not where he is. It's where we….we….the first time. I loved him so much that day. I loved him, and now he's gone. When he comes back, I'll never let him go, Frank, never! This is a sign. He's still out there. He's dreaming the same thing right now. I know he is. He's trying so hard to get to me. “Keep trying Jer! I'm coming for you, you hang on!”

Frank reached out to Dean. “Pal, it was a dream. Let the police do their job, huh?”

Dean jerked away from him, “Don't Tell me that! You think I'm crazy, well that's ok, but I'm telling you right now, he's depending on me. I know he is! That's why neither one of us ever talked about this telepathy thing. People would think we're crazy, but now's not the time to worry about it. He's out there somewhere and if my gut is right, he's out of the city, maybe the desert. He's here somewhere, I know he is.”

Frank looked at him with a patronizing expression. “Dean, look….”

“You don't believe it. Ok, that's fine. Me and Jerry, we've always been by ourselves. Nobody understands us but we never cared. We had each other. And Frank…” Dean looks up at him, “We can't be apart, not really, even if the partnership one day frizzles, we have to be together somehow. We need each other. It's that simple” Dean said it like the realization of that fact was something he'd never thought of, but he had.

“Finally…you see what everybody else sees. You two… well let's just say, you're stuck together like glue.”

Dean smiled. “We are ain't we?”

“You are.”

“Let's go to the police. I want to know what they're thinking. I need something good to tell Patti. It's time I got up and got down to the task of finding my partner. I've never let him down and this isn't the time to start.”

“Now you're talkin.”

~~

“Mr Martin, while we appreciate your insight, we just don't have the manpower to search the desert.”

“I'm sure he's there. I've already told you how we are. I just feel it, sergeant.”

“I understand you two are close but for me to dispatch a hundred officers to search is not something I can do, not without evidence.”

“But ……”

“How bout when they're off duty? Is there anything in your code of conduct that would prevent us from hiring them?”

“Well now, I don't think there's anything about that in the rules. As long as it doesn't interfere in their duties, then I think it'll be ok.”

“Good man,” Frank got the information he needed to get men out into the desert and he and Dean left.

“I think we should ride as far as we can so I can ease my mind. I want him back, Frankie.”

“I know, Dino. He's lucky.”

“Lucky? How?”

“He's got you.”

Dean bowed his head, clearly embarrassed.”Yea well, the little fink, well he just, he's just…he needs somebody and I guess that somebody is me.”

“You bet it is. When we find him, how bout keepin him close by.”

“Always”

~~

Frank looked at the telegram in his hand. He went into the men's room in the hotel lobby and tore open the envelope. It read,

Just released from prison. Severely beat his girlfriend. Stop. Suspected in the kidnapping of a young man in Florida. Stop. Accused by a young man in New Jersey of rape, but never prosecuted. Stop. Small time thief. Stop. Many small time crimes. Stop. Never held job for more than six months. Stop.

“Oh God. Jerry. What's he done to you?”

Frank went straight to the police before confronting Dean.

“We'll find him. This is the biggest lead we have.”

Frank goes back to the hotel hoping Dean would be there. He's been out riding around the desert for two days. They had managed to hire about 30 off duty policemen to scour the desert near Vegas.

“Dino. I'm glad I caught you.”

What's up”

“Listen, about your friend Benny.”

“Yeah? I haven't seen him much. It's a little surprising he's not worried about Jerry. Of course, he didn't like him much.”

“Dean. I did some investigating myself. I uh, I sent a telegram to one of my associates. I ask him to find any information on this Benny character that he could.”

Dean looked up from his position on the chair next to the window, cigarette laden hand paused in mid- air. “What? Why?”

“Because he's the only link between you, Jerry, and Jerry's disappearance. And because we don't know him, Dino.”

“Frank, there's no way he could do anything like that. There's just no way. He's been a good friend to me since all this with Jerry started.”

“What exactly did he tell you?”

“He's talked to Jerry. He told me what he said.”

“Like what Dino?”

“I told you. I was just a stepping stone for him.”

“What else? I know there's something deeper, more personal.”

“Frank, he didn't have anything to do with it!”

“Answer the question.”

“Alright! He told me Jerry faked it when….you know…stop it, Frank!”

“I knew it. You know that's not true.”

“How should I know?”

“You oughta. I don't!”

“Seemed real to me. Jerry's changing, he's not a kid. He's a man. He grew up on me.”

“You see him differently?”

“Well….no, I see him as a kid that I want to protect.”

“You thought Jerry was pushing you away, Jerry thought you hated him. Misunderstanding. Why? How? I'll tell you why.. Benny. He's the only link Dean, the only one. Think about it.”

“He played both of you.”

“Still, Frank. He's a good man. He's been so fun to be around….”

“Yet he's not here when your partner's gone missing. Your friend, and he's not here during the most trying time you've ever faced.”

Dean lights another cigarette and turns his back to Frank. “I need to think, I….”

Frank walks around to face him and shoves the telegram in Dean's hand. “Think about this.”

Dean carefully opens the telegram and reads its contents. He raises his eyes to Frank's, fear setting his body on fire. He staggered back and gripped the window sill, struggling to breathe. He thought he might be sick so he made his way to the bathroom and sat on the floor, followed by Frank. When he could speak, Dean stood up, looked Frank in the eye, and declared, “he better hope he didn't have anything to do with it, oh he better hope. I'll kill him, do you hear me?? I'll kill him!!!”

Dean ran past Frank and headed for the door.

“No Dean! No!”

Frank gripped the back of Dean's shirt, but it was no match for Dean. He pulled away and swung the door open. “Dean, you need to focus on Jerry, not him! The police already know, they'll find him! Dean, please!” Dean stopped at the top of the stairwell, head thrown back against the wall, crying. He could care less if anybody saw.

“Calm down Dean. Calm down. Think Dean.”

“I'm trying! What has he done to him?!”

Dean banged his head against the wall, breathing heavily. “What have I done to him?”

“Dean, this isn't your fault.”

“It is. I told him to leave and never come back. He did. Frank, I can't let him die. Oh God, please!”

“That's why you've got to stay focused on him. Let the police deal with Benny.”

Dean took a deep breath, “Ok. I'll calm down. I still can't believe he'd do anything, Frank.”

"To be fair, we don't know Dean, but we have to consider it. He's the only one in contact with the both of you and this rap sheet….it really seals it for me.”

Dean walks back into the room and sits on the bed, “I just can't think straight, Frank.”

“Get some sleep. You've not had any rest today at all.”

“I've gotta find him.”

“Just lay back and relax Dean. Just for a little while.”

Dean's head was pounding and he felt sick. He didn't know what else to do except lie back on the pillows and close his eyes……

“Dean, I'm sorry. Please help me. Can't you hear me. I'm calling as loud as I can. My hands slipped out of the handcuffs and he forgot to put them back on but I can't walk, I'm so weak. I don't know what day it is. He gave me something that was supposed to make me forget everything, but I haven't. I still remember you. I don't remember how I know you, I just do. I know you were angry, but I don't remember what about. I promise whatever I did, I won't do it again. I'm afraid, Dean. I need you to come get me. It's so hot in this place during the day, it doesn't even have windows, but the desert is cool at night. I'd always heard that, and it's true. What I'm really afraid of is not waking up. I'm so tired though. I want to be with you, Dean., please come for me. I don't want to die, so please Dean, come get me now. Please Dean!”

“…..Jerry! Jerry!” Dean flew out of bed, frantic, scared, barely able to dress himself.

“Dean, what…”

“I had a dream!” Dean had tears streaming down his face. It was unlike him, but he didn't care, Jerry was out there and he was alive. “He's alive and he's in the desert, and I'm going to get him because he's begging me to come and I won't let him down.”

“Dean calm down and tell me.”

“He's calling for me. Frank, he was in handcuffs, but he slipped out of them. Jerry says ‘he’ forgot to put them back on. He, Frank! Somebody's got him, Frank, but he's alive!”

“Could you tell where he was?”

“He mentioned the desert and he mentioned wherever he was had no windows.”

“Get dressed pal. We're going to the police”

~~

“There's several of those abandoned shacks in the desert when mining was big.”

“Well we've got to get to them.”

“Mr Martin, there's no telling how many of those shacks there are, and some of them are sixty to a hundred miles from here.”

“So? He's out there, sergeant!”

“I'll get with the captain. You know we've already combed the area just south of here.”

“Yes but he's further out. I'm going to find him if nobody wants to help, that's fine, but I'm going to find my partner if it kills me.”

“Dean, he's not saying they won't help, but we've got to be careful. We can't let anybody know that we're looking there because what if the person who put him there gets wind of it? He might get desperate and we don't want that”

Dean stopped and ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair. “Ok, you're right. Keep it under wraps, but you will look won't you?”

“We'll look, Mr Martin.”

Frank touched Dean's unbuttoned sleeve, “We still got some guys out looking. I'll send word to go out further.”

“Ok, yea. We're… we're gonna find him, right Frank, I mean he's gonna be ok?”

Frank wanted so badly to tell him Jerry was ok, but truth be told, time was not on their side, and Frank had a terrible feeling that Dean's dreams were just that, hopeful wishes for Jerry's safety. He prayed that wasn't the case, but he would put on a hopeful face to give his pal some hope.

“Of course he is, pal. Of course he is.”

~~

Benny was out of time and options. He needs to see Dino, see if he still has feelings for him, see if he suspects anything, but he’s been so busy with the investigation, he hasn't had time to even check up on me. Jerry has been a constant thorn in my side since the beginning, Benny thinks, and it’s time something was done about him. The once cute attractive boy was now nothing more than a bag of bones, bruised and broken, emaciated by lack of nourishment. He certainly didn’t have any use for him now and Dino surely didn’t. He couldn’t perform so he’s useless. He knows what he has to do and he hates to do it but it’s the only option. He has to protect himself. He takes a pistol out of his suitcase and lays it on the window sill. He sits and stares at it, thinking of all the things he'd say to try and stop him. Benny smiles, proud of himself for making this decision, but now he has to see Dino. He would know by tomorrow if his plan will work, he will know if Dino is his.

~~

It's late and Dean isn't in his hotel room. Probably still looking for Jerry but Benny isn't worried. He's too far out in the desert for the cops to find him and if they do, he'll be long dead. Tomorrow is day seven, he can't be without water too much longer anyway. Benny contemplates just leaving him where he is because it's too far out for him to travel. He isn't worth it anymore. He lays back on Dean's bed and breathes in his scent, then anger overtakes him. Why does Jerry get to be beside him, touching his smooth skin, breathing in his breaths, holding him, and in turn, getting Dean's attention, all of it. No more, though. Jerry will be a memory tomorrow, and I will comfort him and he'll be mine.

~~

“Cmon Dino. Let's stop for a minute.” The old partially paved highway they were traveling was getting almost impossible to pass now. The rented car they had driven had taken a beating but Dean didn't care, he'd buy them a new one.

Dean shook his head before looking over at his friend, “I'm afraid to stop, what if we're too late? Then I'll always wonder if I could have done more. I can't, not til this lousy motor vehicle stops us.”

Frank knew there'd be no use in saying anything else so they drive on til the harsh sunshine starts to disappear behind the puffy white clouds, casting an odd orange- pink glow.

They had to be almost two hours south of Vegas and panic surged through Dean's body. How much more desert was there? He couldn't give up, Jerry had taught him that. He'd seen Jerry go through so much pain in his young life, mostly for the good of their act, but also because of his worries about me. The kid never ceased, anything I ever wanted, I got. Jerry spared no expense, and his time was my time. He was always there for me, morning, noon, and night and now it’s my turn.

~~

Benny heard a commotion outside the door. Then, his name was called, “police, open the door!” Benny stood back, mind darting from here to there, trying to think of what to do. Again, “police, open the door!”

“What did you want?”

“This is your last chance, open the door!”

He was a cornered animal. He can’t run nor hide, so he decides to play it cool.

He opens the door and stands back as four police officers dart in, guns drawn.

Benny holds his hands up, trying to appear calm, all the while his heart is beating out of his chest. “What is this? If you're looking for Mr Martin, he ain't here. I'm waiting for him myself.”

“It's not Mr Martin we're after. You're coming with us.”

“What's this about and how did you know I was here?”

“Been following you, now get going.”

Benny had no choice but to go with them willingly. Jerry doesn't know him or remember him so he'd be in the clear.

~~

It was dark and Frank knew they couldn't go any further, Dean had exhausted himself to the point of almost collapsing. Frank had taken the wheel and Dean was frantically searching in all directions.

“Dino we gotta head back. We've got just enough gas to get back to town.”

“You got the radio,you can call for help.”

"If you don't get some rest, I'll be calling for an ambulance for you because I can't pick your carcass up off the ground, like you used to pick Jerry up….” Frank saw intense pain pass through Dean's face, and he felt like a heel. “I'm sorry, pallie,,I didn't mean…well you know.”

“Yea, you didn't mean to bring up the good times.. because there may not be anymore.”

“No, Dean, that's…”

Dean stiffened and his eyes widened, he gripped the dashboard and yelled for Frank to stop. “Look! Frank, look!” Dean pointed up ahead, the car's headlights casting a glow off a piece of metal, maybe the hard edge of a pick axe leaned up on the side of a ramshackle structure. Dean's heart skipped a beat, there weren't any windows. My God, he'd found him. He half runs, half stumbled to the shack. Oh god, what if…what if…he couldn't stand to think of it, all he knew is that Jerry needed him, and he'd never let him down again. As he walked up to the half open door, he prayed…..

Chapter Text

Dean tentatively put his hand on the old door, weathered and splintered, the old rusty hinges creaking softly, as he pushes it open. Dean enters the structure, leaning precariously, after years of standing. Dean looks around, frightened to his core at what he would find. He looks behind the door, then scans four walls, a cot against one, and a crumbling fireplace along another. He looks frantically around not seeing any sign of human life. It was dark, dusty, and reeked of a dead animal. Dean's heart sank, tears stinging his eyes. He wanted to fall onto the dirt floor and weep, but pride stopped him. He had to go on, but his strength was fast deteriorating. He looked for signs that Jerry had been here but found none.

Frank stood at the door, watching his friend go through the emotional pain of not finding his pal.

“Let's get out. I've alerted the sergeant that we had searched one shack.”

“There's more out here, they said they were dotted every few miles.”

“Yes and if he's in one of them, they'll find him. They've got plenty of guys searching, not to mention the ones we've hired.”

“I don't trust anybody to find him but myself.”

“Pal, you can't go on.”

Dean looked defeated, downtrodden and looked as if he's aged ten years. “I just can't give up on him, I just can't.”

“You're not giving up by resting. You need to sleep just a couple of hours, get something to eat, then you can come back.”

“Why do I get to eat and he doesn't? I can't leave him.”

Frank was saddened by what Dean was saying. He knew Dean was ripped apart from the inside out. He blamed himself and nobody could say anything at this point to make him feel any better. Frank wouldn't even try. “Ok pal, ok.”

They climbed back into the car and drove on. There was a can of gas in the trunk that they were going to have to use before long. The radio crackled to life and the sound of the sergeant running this investigation came across. “Just got word…they got the guy.”

“They picked him up?”

“Followed him straight to Mr Martin’s hotel room.”

Dean's head jerked up, and he sat up straight. “Why would he come back to my hotel room if he's guilty?”

“Probably hasn't heard much about it. We've tried to keep it out of the paper.”

“He's heard something. I want to see him.”

“Sure. We'll head back.” Frank is at least thankful for the interruption, he might even talk him into resting a bit.

They drove back into the city, straight to police headquarters. Dean ran into the front door and was immediately met by the sergeant. “This way, Mr Martin.”

Dean was seated behind a plastic divider awaiting his friend. Benny was brought in by an officer and was seated in front of Dean.

“Thank God you're here. They've been questioning me about Jerry. Dean, what's goin on?”

“Do you know anything at all about this..and I need the truth.”

“Dean, of course I don't, I'd never do anything to Jerry. I know how much you love him.”

Dean didn't know whether to believe him or not and was torn. He wanted to believe him, really he did, but a part of him wanted Benny to be guilty, to know something, anything. He could get Benny to tell him, he knows he could. “Do you remember anything he might've said, anything unusual.”

“No I don't. Look, Dean, can you get me out of here? You look like you need a break, I can go out looking while you rest.”

“They can't hold you here, if they don't got any evidence against you… you'll be out soon.”

“Thanks Dean. If you find him, you're still leaving him, right?

Dean looked startled. Why would he ask that? He supposed it's because he feels a certain way about him, but Dean can't think about that now. “I don't know if I can, and I don't know if I want to. It'll be up to Jerry, I just want him back safe.”

Benny clenches his jaw, his face turning a bright shade of pink from the intense anger he felt. He needs to remain calm before Dean notices. “I'm sure he's fine. You can't see what others see, you're too close to him. He's a spoiled brat, he's just jealous Dean.”

“You're saying he's just hiding out?”

“Exactly.”

“He may be a spoiled brat, which is mostly my fault, and he is jealous, but one thing I know, he's not hiding from me, he's in trouble, I know he is.”

“Dean, he's been without food and water for seven days, you really don't believe he's still alive, do you?”

Dean eyed him warily, “What? What exactly do you mean?”

“Well…. Dean, really, we gotta be practical. If he was kidnapped, he's probably….well, you know.”

Dean shakes his head, emphatically. “A while ago, you said he's probably just playing a trick on me and now you think he's…dead?” Dean said the word, an awful word and it shook him, scared him all the way through to his soul.

“Got to be honest Dean. I don't think he could survive this long. I'll be right beside you Dean. We'll pick up the pieces together.”

A thought struck Dean at that very moment. “Say, why do you think he's been without food or water?”

“I- well, isn't that the way it usually is? Kidnappers aren't usually nice people.”

“No…they usually want something in return. But there's been no contact, no ransom note, no nothing.”

“Well then, we're back to my first theory…he's hiding out somewhere.”

Dean was pensively staring at Benny, “No. He's not hiding from me. He's in trouble, and it's not his doing. Somebody put him where he is. He slipped out of his handcuffs, but he's too weak to go anywhere.”

Benny looked like he'd seen a ghost. “How did you know that?”

Dean slid his chair back, and stood, the chair falling over with a loud thud. His face livid, his tone low and menacing. “You know something.”

“Dean, what are you saying?”

“You act as if you knew he slipped out of his handcuffs. You know he hasn't had any food or water. You know too much. Tell me now!”

“Dean I promise you, I don't know anything, nothing, I'm just making suggestions!”

“Then why don't I believe you?” Dean wanted to mention his rap sheet but was saving that til later.

“I don't know Dino. Me and you, we've had some good times together.”

“We've known each other only a few months, tell me about good times when you've practically lived with somebody for the better part of 8 years, when you've worked right alongside them, loved and adored them, dried their tears, held them and promised them there would never be anybody else, tell me then about good times…you can't.”

“So he's still there, ain't he?” Benny pointed to his chest, “always there, you just don't know how good it could be without him, how good we could be.” Benny was trying to express to Dean how much he wanted him, and how much Jerry was holding him back, but not convincingly. Dean looked as if he was staring at a stranger, and decided he was a stranger. In that moment, he knew Benny was not the real deal, not his friend and most assuredly not his ally.

Dean gritted his teeth, fingernails cutting in his palms, trying to stay calm. He had to for Jerry. “Tell me where he is, Benny. I know you know something. Tell me, please.”

“Already told you, I know nothing. He's more than likely dead, so give it up. It's been too long, Dean. He has no strength to even crawl….I mean probably.”

“You tell me where he is!!” Dean couldn't hold back any longer. His fists banged the partition, threatening to break through it. In an instant two policemen had hold of him, pulling him away. “I'll get you, if it's the last thing I do, if anything's happened to him, I won't care anymore!. I'll make sure you pay, you'll pay!!”

Frank had come into the room, grabbing Dean around his chest, trying to hold him steady. His whole body was shaking, trembling, screaming expletives at Benny. The officers quickly took him away.

“Dean, Dean! C'mon, calm down! You're gonna stroke out! C'mon, now.” Frank felt the tension leave Dean's body and relinquished his grip. “It's gonna be ok, just calm down, ok?” Dean walked away from Frank and fell to his knees. Frank was unsure of what to do so he very gently touches his shoulder, “let's go pal.”

Dean quietly stands and walks away, wiping at his face. Out in the lobby, Dean collapses in a chair, “He knows where he is. He knows.” Dean finally looks at Frank with haunted eyes. “I can't let him die. I can't.”

Frank knew in that moment that there'd be no rest for his pal. The person he loved more than anything in the world needed him, and Dean could not let him down. He wouldn't be able to live with himself. It's not that he blames himself, even though he does, it's because Jerry expected Dean to come and Dean had never not been right there whenever he needed him.

“C'mon pal. Let's go find your boy, huh?”

“I'm ready, Frankie.” Tears rolled down his face as Dean walked out into the late evening, a determination set on his face, but also in the back of his mind, something dark and sinister, something that would change his life forever, was brewing. He would kill him, he had to, because nobody hurt him and got away with it. There's no decision to be made. He chooses Jerry over anybody in his life, including himself, and Benny will pay. By God, he will pay.

~~

“Dean, the desert is crawling with cops. If he's there…..”

“Damnit, Frank, he's there!”

“Ok Dino, so whaddya wanna do?”

“I want Jerry back with me!”

“I know but what's the plan?”

“We're going further south. I just got a feeling he's there.”

“It's a big desert, Dino.”

“I wish he was here”

“He will be. Just keep the faith.”

“I meant Benny. Maybe he'll slip up and say something.”

“The police have ways of getting him to talk”

“I'm worried they won't.”

Just then the sergeant running the investigation came to Dean and wanted to ask a few questions. After going to his office, Dean told him what Benny had said. “He knows where he is. We've got to get him to talk”

“We're working on him now. If your partner is already deceased, he'll get the chair, but we've told him, if there's a possibility he's still alive, it would spare him. I can tell he's thinking about it. This guy's a real piece of work, mental and all that.”

“He'll still get a long sentence won't he?”

“He'll go to trial, and I'm sure the judge will take into consideration that he cooperated, that is, if he does.”

Frank stood up, “Make him, whatever you have to do, make him”

“I'm going to find my pal. You coming?”

“Of course I'm comin.”

~~

“So you think he's way out this way?” Frank pointed to a place on the map.

“Yes. Don't ask me why, but I think he is.”

Frank drove on until the road became only a path, the car taking a beating. “Y'know, this road's just gonna get worse.”

I don't care if I have to walk, I will. We'll make it…he did, so I know it's passable.”

“You're right… we're gonna find him, I'm feeling confident about it.”

“It's about time. He's here, I know it.”

The car rumbled on, headlights cutting through the darkness, illuminating the cracked surface of the road. The car shudders, sending a jolt throughout the vehicle as it pushes on, the rhythmic thumping of the tires lulling Dean to sleep. Frank looks over and has a satisfied look on his face. He drives on, scanning each side of the road for clues. He sees an occasional cactus, and a lone jackrabbit scurrying about in the night. Up ahead he can just make out the shape of a Joshua tree, the headlights casting a beam of light just above the base, the shape of the branches illuminated by the pale light of a half moon. He drives on a little further as the road turns to nothing but gravelly sand. He stops and stares out over the expanse of the desert, thinking about where to go next. Dean stirs beside him, rolling his head back and forth on the headrest. He is gripping the seat on either side of his thighs, breathing heavy and uneven. All of a sudden, “There! Hold on, we're coming!” He wakes up, inhales deeply and collapses on the dashboard.

“Dean, what is it?? Did you have a bad dream?”

Dean struggles to catch his breath, “F-frank, a tree. We have to find a tree.”

“A tree? Dino, what're you talking about?”

“I only saw a tree, just a tree. I don't know what it means. There's no trees in the desert, are there? Oh God, what if I've been wrong? I've let him down!”

“God, Dean. I did see a tree, a little ways back. A Joshua tree.”

“A funny looking tree. I've never seen anything like it in Los Angeles.”

“That's right, they're strange looking. You only find them in the desert.”

“Can you find it again?”

“Yea, it wasn't too far off the road.”

“I'm shaking, Frankie.”

“I know pal.”

Dean scans the desert as Frank drives. “Are we getting close?”

“Should be right up ahead….there!”

Dean grips the dashboard as the car halts. The tree is nestled between two hills. Dean jumps out and begins to walk purposely towards it. Frank catches up to him and hands him a flashlight. Dean's heart strums against his ribs, as he stumbles forward, knowing with certainty Jerry was here, waiting for him to come. He desperately grasps the tree, scanning the horizon. His eyes settled on a dark outline, maybe a couple hundred yards down the slope of a small hill. He shines his light towards it and his heart jumps. “Oh my God! Jerry! Dean runs frantically, flashlight forgotten as he pumps his arms, willing himself to move faster. He's out of breath as he reaches the building. He stops, a million different images running through his mind. “Please God, please,” he prayed as he inches the door, hanging from one hinge, open. He brings his flashlight slowly up to see a crumbling fireplace, slowly moving it to his right…there was movement. A cot, empty, stood out from the wall, but Dean saw a flash of white, or what used to be white, on the floor beside it. He slowly walks around and points his flashlight into the face of the most pathetic figure he'd ever seen. He falls to his knees and scrambles over to the almost lifeless creature, but Dean knows and begins to cry, his whole body trembling as he finally lays his hand on his partner's face. He lies beside him, even though he reeks of God knows what. “Jerry? I'm here, I'm here, please hang on. Help is coming. Please stay with me, because I need you, I need you so badly.” He is alive, he is breathing rapidly, but it's his Jer. Dean puts his face to Jerry's and kisses his forehead. “I love you, Jer. I love you. Don't leave me.”

Frank has caught up to him and has radioed for help. “Thank you God,” he whispered.

“Paul?” It was hardly a whisper, more like the mew of a newborn kitten, but it was Jerry.

Dean lifted his face, “It's me, it's Paul. You're ok. I gotcha. Ain't nobody gonna hurt you, not ever.”

Jerry opened his eyes, unfocussed eyes, and looked in the direction of Dean's voice, “Paul, p-please help me.”

The only thing Dean could think of to do was hold him until help arrived. He stood and lifted his tortured body off the dirt floor and sat down on the old cot. Half of Jerry's body was on the cot, the other half, Dean had wrapped up in his arms, lips pressing kisses to his dirty hair. He held him securely, like you would a baby to let him know he was safe. After a few moments, Jerry began to cry, “I knew you would come. I knew it, you've never let me down. Never. My Paul, my…..”

“Jer? Jer?!”

Frank came forward to press a hand to Jerry's face. “He's asleep, Dean. He feels safe now.”

“He's always gonna be safe. I swear I'll never leave his side. He's gonna be better than ever, we're gonna be, you hear Frankie? Nobody will ever come between us again. Dean kisses his partner's face, as he waits for help to arrive, and silently prays for his recovery. “We're gonna make it back, pal. No matter what I have to do, I'll be there beside you. Just you wait, just you wait and see……..

Chapter Text

Patti stood at his bedside, clinging tightly to the bed rails. She tried to talk to him, but the wracking sobs prevented it. She held a tissue to her mouth, trying to muffle the sounds, but it was like he didn't even hear it. He only woke up for a minute or two at a time, looking at the ceiling and occasionally the wall, but never at his grieving wife. It had only been twenty four hours since they had rushed him here, the best hospital in Vegas. His condition was grave, the doctors said, but Patti knew it was even worse than that. Dean knew everything, and Patti sensed he had withheld some information that Patti needed to know. She finally sat in the chair vacated by Dean. He had reluctantly went to rest and shower after the doctors had gotten Jerry settled. The dehydration was their main concern but they had IV’s going to help him. She watched him stare at the ceiling and finally close his eyes. Patti sat back, relieved he was resting again. After a few minutes, she heard him stir again, and when she sat up to lay her hand on his chest, he jerked, looking over at her like she was a stranger. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he gripped the sheets like a lost, frightened child.

“Jerry, darling, please. It's me, it's Patti.” She ran her soft hand all over his bruised face, landing on his dry, cracked lips, trying to soothe him. He only calmed slightly when a nurse came in to check his vitals.

“Is this normal? He acts so scared, like he doesn't know me.”

“When they brought him in last night, he wasn't like this. I went off duty shortly after, but the nurses on duty today said whenever Mr Martin left him for any reason, even to go across the hall to the bathroom, he kind of panicked.”

“He's so emotionally attached to him. I hate to bother him. Jerry is my responsibility.”

“To be honest, I don't think he wanted to leave.”

“You're right, but he needed rest too.”

The nurse finished her work, and left the room.

Dean was here all night, watching him. His hand never left Jerry, like if he wasn't touching him, something would happen to him. A thought struck Patti. They were one, a unit. Soulmates, even. She never thought a lot about it, but it was true, she never denied it. If you take half of a whole away, what do you have? A half. Jerry wasn't whole, he was missing something and he felt the loss. He was frightened, and the doctors told them it would take awhile before he could recall anything, even his own wife and children. He was scared because he only knew Dean and he wasn't here.

“Oh my sweet, I'm sorry. You want Dean, don't you?” Jerry looked at Patti at the mention of Dean's name. His eyes flickered with a spark of recognition, the fear beginning to dissipate, replaced by hope. It was as if he was begging for him and when he spoke in a small, child-like voice, “Paul,” Patti broke down, kissing his cheek. Jerry didn't look as frightened now, it was as if he knew he was in good hands, for if she knew his Paul, then everything would be ok. He would be ok. Paul would come.

~~

“Dean, I’m sorry for disturbing you, but I thought maybe you’d want to know,” Patti spoke into the phone, noting Dean’s anxiety. Suddenly, Patti realized why Dean was distraught. “Dean, no, he’s ok. I’m sorry for alarming you like that.” With that, Patti heard Dean exhale, shaking and nervous.

“I’m just so on edge. I don’t know, Patti, I just feel so detached from him, like I’m supposed to be with him. I’m going crazy.”

“Then get over here and make him well.”

Dean was silent, not know what to say or if he should say anything at all. “You want me there? I thought you’d want him to yourself, I….”

“I want whatever is best for him. I want him well and happy and Jerry reminded me there’s only one person on earth who can heal him.”

“He talked?”

“Only one word…Paul. He’s frightened Dean. At this point, he only knows you. He remembers you.”

“I’m coming Patti. I promise, he’s gonna be ok. I won’t leave him.”

Patti cried her thank you into the phone, hoping one day Dean would know how much he means to their family.

Dean hurriedly dressed and called for a cab. He thought about what he’s told Patti, about not leaving him. Patti knew he meant not leaving his side, but Dean meant it also in another way. He would never split their partnership. He should have never said it, should have never caused Jerry this pain. If there was ever a split, Jerry would be the one to do it. He knew now that he never could, he never would, and he didn’t want to. Jerry was his from now on. His responsibility, his boy, until Jerry didn’t want it anymore.

~~

Dean stepped into the dimly lit room, the soft beeping of machines reminding him that Jerry is so critically ill. The once vibrant, beautiful boy, now lay emaciated, with sunken cheeks, bruises marring his body, that told silent stories of the pain and mental anguish he had suffered. Dean felt himself be angry, mostly at the person responsible but also himself. He was ashamed to be here somehow, but if he could help Jerry, he’d be here for as long as he needed him to be.

It was late, so Dean slipped in and sat in the chair he had sat in the previous night. He placed one hand on Jerry’s, and slowly relaxed. His hand felt so brutish even just resting on Jerry’s. His bony finger slid around to grasp Dean’s forefinger, and when Dean squeezed ever so lightly, Jerry’s eyes fluttered open.

Dean stood over him, and smiled, “Hello there, pal.” Dean spoke so softly, hoping Jerry heard him. He didn’t want to startle him, only for him to know he was there and that he was safe.

Jerry started to cry, grateful tears. To him, Dean was familiar and comforting. Dean laid his other hand on Jerry's face, shushing him like a child. Jerry finally let go of Dean's finger to bring his skinny arm up to snake around Dean's shoulders. He couldn’t squeeze and grasp at him, so he just kept it there, wanting him to stay and never leave. Somehow Dean understood him, “I’m here. I’m always gonna be here, so don’t you worry. We’ve got so many good times yet to be had, me and you. You just wait and see, Jer. I’m always gonna be here, I’ll never leave you.”

He nods his head, still dirty from his ordeal. He finds himself wishing he could bathe him. He thinks the strangest thoughts about this boy. He shakes his head, smiling, and low and behold if he didn't smile right back.

Dean couldn’t help but feel a wave of emotion, not just at Jerry's reaction, but from the sad state of his once beautiful features. His face, bruised, eyes swollen, lips cracked, and cheeks sunken, made Dean feel sorry for him, which Jerry wouldn’t like, even if he was at his most attention starved. Now’s not the time to worry about that, it’s just that he wants to be perfect for Jerry, just like Jerry wanted to be perfect for him.

Dean ruffles his stiff hair, and Jerry winces, bringing his hand up to a spot on his head. Dean looks and sees an ugly wound, already healing.

“I’m sorry, pal. Didn’t know that was there.”

Jerry, very softly and with a lot of effort, “You didn’t know, bubbe.”

“Ah Jer. My buddy and pal.”

Jerry squeezed as hard as he could, strength no more than a newborn kitten. Then, Dean slowly pulls back and kissed his cheek. “Sleep now, baby. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Jerry nods, but still looks expectantly at Dean wanting something else, almost begging for it. Dean knew, he always knew, just like Jerry always knew what he was thinking and what he was feeling. It was uncanny, really, and the reason why they never talked about it. They didn’t want or need people talking about how crazy they were, crazy, in that sense, meaning they didn’t want people thinking they were not telling the whole truth, just trying to get more publicity. Besides, it was theirs, this ability they had, and they kept it private as much as they could, but it was difficult sometimes.

Deans hand strays to where the wound in his head is and gently soothes it. “Love ya, pal”

There. That’s what he needed, for he closed his eyes and drifted off into a peaceful sleep, but not before laying his hand over Dean's, trying to intertwine his fingers with his. Dean gently turned his palm up to meet Jerry's and wound his fingers through his. What a small price to pay for somebody's comfort, he thought, but Jerry never asked for much if he thought about it, really thought about it. Love and affection, and Dean's attention, that's all, a lot to most people, but to Dean it was easy, because he'd fallen head over heels for this boy, and it was still easy. Outsiders made it hard, always pulling them in different directions, wives getting in on their act, producers, agents, somebody always wanted something from Dean, then something different from Jerry. It was a circus sometimes, but when they were together, by themselves, it all went away. The feeling between them always remained, the unbridled, passionate, overwhelmingly, beautiful love, it was something neither of them understood. It was just there, like it'd been there, hidden away in each of them, waiting to overflow, and when they met, the minute they touched, it flowed out like a volcano, red hot, and there was nothing either one could do to stop it. It just flowed, so effortlessly, so seamlessly, they knew it was meant to be.

Dean eased back in his chair, still holding Jerry's hand, thinking about their first weeks together. It was and will always be, the best time in his life. They were wild and free, and full of love for one another. Jerry was only 18, with the ferocious energy of a tornado and the stamina of a world class athlete. He could go all night and did, that is when Dean could keep up. He had only slowed down because of their fame and because of the increasing knowledge that everybody knew them and watched them. Dean smiled at this sweet soul, his, he always will be, no matter if Jerry decided to end it all, it would be his call, but it would hurt with a force Dean didn’t want to acknowledge, because when your whole heart is gone, there could be nothing worse.

~~

“Dean, I feel so guilty, you’ve been here for two days, you go get some sleep, and for goodness sakes, shave.”

Patti smiled at Dean and reached up to kiss his cheek, “But you’ve always looked very handsome with a five o’clock shadow.”

“I think Jerry got a little jealous over that one time.”

“Of course he did. But he was jealous over you, not me. Remember how he literally clung to your arm, whenever you two went somewhere new?”

“Yea,” Dean reminisced in his mind. “But once he got in there and got going, he was a little dynamo, he wouldn’t shut up, which was fine with me, I didn’t want to talk at all.”

Dean laughed, “I couldn’t talk to anybody without him getting jealous. Always havin to reassure him, y'know?"

“I know he probably made you want to leave him sometimes, Jerry can be very difficult sometimes.”

“Oh no,” Dean was quick to clarify himself, “I would have never done that, I just thought it was… well, sweet, y'know?”

“Oh Dean, you really are his savior, his whole life has been shaped by you and what you’ve made him, what you’ve been to him. I’ll always be grateful.”

“It was easy.. I kind of loved the little bast…..” Dean stopped short, he didn't want Patti to think he meant it…….”little monkey,” Dean finished.

“You go now before he wakes up.”

Dean was hesitant,as he looked over Patti's shoulder at his sleeping partner. “They're gonna clean him up a little today, he had a bad night, woke up crying out. Maybe I should just stay…..”

“Go. You've been here two days straight. You need rest too, Dean. You can't help him if you're sick, and I do feel a little guilty about our conversation the other day. After I thought about it, it seemed that I was giving you no choice but to be here with him and that's not fair to you.”

Dean wanted to tell her that he'd be sick if he couldn't be with him, but didn't want her to think he was trying to take over his care. After all, it was her responsibility, she said. It was just Jerry needed him now more than ever. He really didn't think Patti knew the degree of care he would need. It wasn't just a matter of getting liquids into him, they were doing that, or when the time was right, food. It was a matter of healing, not his broken body, it would heal on its own, but the mental part of it. Jerry looked so haunted, so lost, trying to remember. He had only spoken to Dean, and whenever a nurse came to get blood or change his bandages on the cuts and open sores that had gotten infected, Jerry looked at Dean for approval. There were puncture wounds on Jerry's stomach, like he'd been given shots. Probably drugs. My God, what happened to him. “I'll be back, Patti. I won't be gone long."

“He'll be fine, Dean. You go see your family, if he wakes up, I'll tell him where you are.”

Dean nods his head, feeling like he's letting him down. But Patti needs to be there too, for herself, after all, she's the one who's had to put up with his moods and she's the one who's taken care of him, much like her own children. She needs to care for him.

Dean got a cab to the airport and was on the first available flight back to Los Angeles. Sure he missed his family, but Jerry occupied his mind all the time. He pays the cabbie and walks up his walk, straight through to his den and shuts the door. He finds he can't sit, can't relax. What if he wakes up? What if he's frightened? He rubs his hand over his face and reels the stubble, reminding himself to shower and shave. As he runs up the stairs, he's met by his wife. “Dean, you're home…you look horrible.”

“Thanks. I've got to shower, maybe get a sandwich, then go back."

“Dean, isn't Patti with him? What about his parents?”

“No parents, and Patti doesn't know what he needs.”

“She's his wife, Dean”

“And I'm his partner”

“Of course. Always, right?”

“Always,” Dean whispered back at her.

Jeanne let it go, for whatever reason, maybe because Jerry was in such a precarious state, and even she couldn't find it in her to talk badly about him.

Dean stepped into the master bathroom with the light blue walls and creamy white shower and sink, not to mention the toilet. He grabbed a washcloth, and stepped into the too hot spray that cascaded down the tired muscles of his back. It did feel wonderful, he thought.

He stepped out and grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his middle and started shaving. His wife comes in and folds her arms across her chest. She doesn't say anything for a couple minutes.

“What?”

“How's Jerry?”

“Ok. It's a slow go.”

“Are you going back?”

“Yes.”

“You know, Patti might resent you for constantly being in the picture.”

“She's grateful.”

“He’s her husband, not yours, although sometimes I have wondered what your relationship with Jerry was really about.”

Dean stayed silent. He didn't have time for this. “He's my partner.”

“Yes…I know.”

Dean cleaned the lather off his face and splashed his aftershave on, and left the bathroom and entered the master bedroom.

“You aren't gonna eat?”

“I'll grab something.”

“Listen, Dean, I'm sorry about Jerry, I really am. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but I wouldn't wish what happened to him on my worst enemy.”

Dean's gaze turned steely and dark, prompting Jeanne to take a step back. She knew Dean usually has a pretty even temper, but when it came to Jerry, he could get violent.

“Whoever did it, and I'm pretty sure I know who, better be glad they're in jail, but I'll get him if it takes me the rest of my life.”

“Dean, let the police handle it! Don't even think about that!”

“I'm not, not while Jerry's still sick.”

“Dean?”

“Yea?”

“...Be careful… please…”

“Careful? What do you mean?”

Jeanne clasped her hands together, already she'd said too much.

“I know you love Jerry, but when he's well….I just don't want you to get hurt. You know how he is, he's always depended on you emotionally, like his mental well being all depends on you. He's stayed a kid for a long time, I think because of you. It's just, well, you let him….that is, you encouraged it. What I'm saying is, when he matures, and I see it coming, don't be surprised if he just walks away from the partnership, walks away from you.”

“It'll be his choice, not mine. I'll never leave him. I already tried that, and it nearly killed him.Dean pulled clean underwear and t-shirt on, before going to his walk-in closet to choose a pair of brown trousers, pairing them with a thin cream colored pullover. He combs his hair and stuffs his wallet and keys in his pockets. “ Tell the kids…..just tell them I miss them, and I'll call them.”

“Dean, what did you mean when you said, you already tried it?”

Dean hesitated to tell her but it was already out so he plinged right in. "I told him I was leaving him."

”Dean, what?” You’re leaving him?”

“It was because of what somebody told me. They lied."

"Who, Dean?"

Dean hesitated again, hating his name, hating him. "Benny"

"Oh. Do-do you think he did it?"

"You damn right! But he'll get what's coming to him. He will."

"Just get Jerry well first, then worry about him."

"Course" Jeanne knew Dean, and she knew the calm in which he had just demonstrated was laced with an icy, insatiable anger. He would not let it go, Jeanne knew her husband was not her own, she'd known it since the day she met Dean. It was made clear that Jerry came with Dean, like a package, with no option to divide them

Jeanne nods and smiles, “Ok Dean. Is it ok if I come to see him?”

“I'm sure he'd appreciate your concern, but he wouldn't want anybody to see him like that.”

That made Jeanne feel a rush of sympathy for Jerry, for all the things she knew Jerry to be, possessive, egotistical, jealous, hot tempered, he was proud, especially of what he and Dean had accomplished, and she would never embarrass him, never make him feel anything less than what he was. “I understand. You know, I understand Jerry more than you give me credit for.”

“Believe me, I know. You two are just alike.”

Jeanne smiled, “I know.”

“I need to go….”

“Let me know how he is.”

“I will.”

~~

Frank Sinatra had been a friend to both he and Jerry, and Dean considered them lucky, for a man like Sinatra could do certain things for you, that is if he liked you, and he certainly had a soft spot for the both of them. Frank had sent his private jet with the instructions to let Mr Martin fly wherever he needed, which was Vegas. What a guy. 

As soon as Dean walked up to the big window at Jerry's hospital room, he saw his face and the confusion and deep anxiety. He knew he shouldn't have left. Patti was assisting two nurses in trying to calm him. One older nurse had her hands on either of his shoulders, when another younger one had a hand laying lightly on his leg. Patti was trying to talk to him but he just looked right through her.

Dean walked in, slowly at first, but when Jerry's eyes caught sight of him, he mumbled, “help me, Paul, please..don't let them take me.”

Dean knew what he was feeling, that terrifying moment he was captured like a wild animal, taken to a cage to silence him, to torture him, to threaten him, to take the once vibrant life away from him, until nothing was left but this….and Dean will not let him feel that way again.

“Stop! Please. Don't!”

Dean shielded him, as Jerry grabbed for his arm, an immediate calm blanketing him.

The nurses immediately backed up, whilst Patti cries into Dean's chest.

“Oh Dean, what'll I do?!”

Dean gently, but firmly took her by a shoulder, while Jerry held on to his other arm, and pushed her back.

“Patti, I'm sorry that I even have to ask this.” Dean's voice lowered to a whisper, so Jerry couldn't hear. “Jerry's your husband, and I know you love him, but the trauma he's experienced is something that's not going away for a long time. I need to be with him. I can fix him, I know I can. I can bring him back to you. Please, let me.”

“Oh Dean” she said between sobs, “I just want him back the way he was!”

“Me too, God, me too.”

Patti looked up at Dean, through tearful eyes, “Dean, I hope you didn't think I didn't want you here?! That's not it at all, I just didn't want you to be the one who had to sit here day and night.”

“It's not a chore, Patti, not a burden, he's my friend, my partner, my….” Dean left off the important part, because there was no need to say it out loud, Patti knew, and she always did. She nodded the affirmation that Dean needed, smiled and kissed his cheek. “Bring him back. He's yours as much as he is mine, I've always known that. You just bring him back, ok? Bring him back…to the both of us.”

Patti kissed Jerry's cheek, and he smiled and Patti beamed at him, “You behave yourself, you hear me.”

Jerry nodded, clearly a little uncomfortable, but Patti's sweet nature and warm brown eyes, further impressed upon him that she was a friend, and maybe more.

“I'll be right here, buddy,” Dean said to Jerry, disentangling his hand from his forearm. He walked Patti to the door and hugged her goodbye.

The nurses approached him, to apologize, they were only trying to bathe him, they said.

“Maybe he'll let you now? That is, if you want to try again.”

“Of course Mr Martin.”

Dean walked to Jerry and put two big hands on either side of his shoulders. “You need a bath, ok? They can give you one, it's their job, let them do their job, ok?”

“Stay with me”

“I will. I won't leave you.”

Jerry smiled at him, and grabbed one of his hands. Dean let him… because when's the last time he's told him no?

The nurses set about their job, as Dean watches over him, more determined than ever to make sure justice was done.

The nurses finished up, leaving a remarkably cleaner Jerry and clean sheets to boot.

“Well now, look at you all clean and shaved. You're startin to look like my old Jer.”

“Am I?”

“You are.” Jerry was talking considerably more than the first couple of days after he was brought in, to him, at least. Dean considered that a blessing.

“I'm thirsty.”

Dean held his head while he drank, afterwards his head falling back on the pillows, his hand inching his way up to Dean's, and intertwining their fingers, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Dean smiled at him and brought their hands to his lips, kissing his knuckles. He watched him sleep, his hand still holding steadfastly to Dean's.

“Don't worry, Jer, don't you worry about anything. I'm gonna make you whole again, even if it means, I won't be.

Chapter Text

“God, Jer, you're doing so good! Keep goin buddy!”

Jerry, with the aid of his physical therapist, had begun to walk. The therapists had told him and Patti that as soon as some of his strength returned that it was important that he got up and exercised.

Jerry smiled at Dean, his once sunken cheeks and cracked lips, now transforming back into the beautiful boy he once was. He wasn't quite there, but after two weeks of specialized care, and with Dean by his side, he was healing, body and soul.

Jerry walked up and down the hallway with his therapist by his side, and Dean looking on like a proud father. Jerry walked slowly back to his room and sat on the edge of his bed.

“I'm tired now, Paul.”

“You should be,” Dean said plumping his pillows and straightening Jerry's too big shirt to sit properly on his bony shoulders. “Y'know, I'm gonna get you some clothes, some that fit.”

“Wish I could go with you.”

Dean recognized that tone of voice, apprehensive and still filled with dread and fright. He had gotten slightly better, but still, especially at night, he was clingy, and terrified of the dark.

“I'll wait till you get good enough to go with me if you want, it's just that the clothes you have don't fit anymore.”

“Maybe Sy can bring me something.”

Dean jerked his head up, “You remember Sy?”

“Yes. It just came to me. He makes clothes for us.”

“That's right, Jer!”

“I was afraid I was wrong, but a lot of things have been going through my mind the last day or so.”

“What else can you remember?”

“I know me and you used to go to the beach, and I remember once I was in the hospital and you were there with me.”

“You took a bad fall, I thought you'd broke your back.”

“I wouldn't do that to you.” Jerry laid his hand on Dean's cheek.

“I'm so damned relieved. You're gonna be good as new.”

“All because of you. Paul?”

“Yea, pal?”

“Me and you…how close are we, I mean..well, you know what I mean.”

“Real close, as close as two people can get.”

“I thought so. I feel so much for you, things a married man shouldn't feel for anybody else.”

“It'll come back, I'm sure of it. You'll remember.”

Dean couldn't help it, he reached over and kissed Jerry's cheek. Jerry laid his head on Dean's shoulder, content to just stay there forever.

“What am I gonna do when I leave here?”

“Whaddya mean, pal? You're gonna go home and be with your family. We'll have a celebration, the biggest one you've ever seen!”

“Wh-what about you?”

Dean nudged his face with his shoulder and tilted his head downward to look at Jerry. “Whaddya mean, Jer?”

Jerry didn't answer, and when Jerry doesn't answer a question, it means he's got something puzzling on his mind that even he can't solve. His brows were furrowed and his face was solemn ,as if he'd just lost his best friend.

There. That's it, Dean thought. He knows I won't be coming with him. Dean has no idea what to say to him, how to approach it, and truth be told, he doesn't want to. He just sits and watches his partner. He's thinking, Dean can tell. He's figuring things out, as he should, because Dean knows this can't last, Jerry will recover and they'll go home, just not together, and for the life of him, Dean doesn't know who dreads it the worst.

Jerry finally lays back on his bed and curls up. Dean noticed this new sleeping position of his. He's never, as long as Dean's known him, observed him sleeping that way, himself, yes, Jerry, no.

Dean notices his eyes, all glassy and wild. These last two weeks, he's noticed a lot of changes in him. For one, if it's possible, he's growing more attached to Dean, afraid for him to even leave his sight. The nights are worse. When all the lights are out, he goes into a sort of panic. Dean knows it's because of what he went through, all those days and nights alone, in total darkness, unable to move or protect himself, even. The desert is full of creatures and Dean cannot bear to think of what could've happened, or what did happen, and maybe what's so worrisome is not a real animal, but one in human form. Dean closes his eyes and clenches his jaw, and flexes his hand into a fist.

“Bubbe?”

Dean slowly relaxes, his ears trying to decide what that sweet sound was, more beautiful than any tune he'd ever heard or sang. His eyes fill, and he swipes at them, feigning exhaustion. “Jerry?”

“Yea?”

“You called me bubbe”

“That's what I call you, ain't it?”

“Sure do, you sure do.”.

Jerry slowly uncurls his body and sits up beside Dean, who's still perched on the edge of the bed. He first looks at Dean, almost for approval, before laying his head in his lap, and cried. Dean didn't know why, specifically, all he knows is that he's got a million reasons to. Dean doesn't know whether he's cold or scared, but his whole body is shaking. Dean moves off the bed and urges Jerry up on his pillow. Dean climbs in beside him and wraps him up so tightly in his arms, he has to make sure circulation isn't severed.

“You ok now, pal?”

Jerry raises his face to Dean's and kisses his lips. Dean draws back in confusion, not because of what he did, but why.

“Yea. I'm sorry. It's just I feel, Paul, I feel like this is the way we are.”

“Jerry, did you do that because you thought you were supposed to?”

Jerry buried his face back in Dean's neck, “No. I did it because I feel something. It's so strong, like a magnet. I didn't mean to make you mad, it just happened.”

“Ah Jer, I'm not mad. Just wanted to make sure you're doing what comes natural, not forced or anything.”

“I feel it Paul, I feel so much.” He reached up and kissed him again and Dean kissed back.

“Jerry, baby, we shouldn't do this here. When you get out, we'll….” Jerry scooted up against him, making Dean feel his hardness.”Damn Jer.”

“I know we can't here but when I'm out and can remember more…can we?”

“Oh yea, all you want.” Dean slid off the bed, and straightened himself, he too, had a minor problem, in the vicinity of his zipper. He covered Jerry up and whispered, “Better do something about that bud,” he said pointing to his nether region.

“It'll go down on its own”

“Good boy.”

“You used to say that to me onstage.”

“Sure did.”

“I wanna get outta here Paul. I need to.”

“When the doctors say it's time.”

“Gettin better everyday.”

Dean didn't want to say the most important part, that part of his recovery that would take time and careful handling. His mental state. Dean knew it'd be a long road for him to travel, because he knew that the police would interview him and Dean didn't know if he was ready for that.

“I know, pal, I know.”

~~

“Your move”

Dean wasn't paying much attention to the hospital supplied checker board. His mind was on work. Strange, thinking about work at a time like this. Jerry had remembered most of their act, he was a little fuzzy on their most recent movie, but remembered the early years perfectly. It was such a great time. Dean thinks that's why he remembers, he was wild, free, safe and loved. “Where'd ya go, Paulie?”

Dean looks past Jerry, at a picture on the wall. “Hmm?”

“I said where'd ya go? It's your move.”

“Oh. Sorry pal.” Dean moved without even studying the board,very un-Dean like.

Dean hears the familiar sound of a single checker tap the board four times, as Jerry raises his fist in victory. “That’s four straight times.”

“Guess I'm a lousy checkers player.”

“You know you're not. You either let me win, or somethin is bothering you.”

Dean decided to forge on with the ugly truth. “Jerry, I'm gonna have to do something about our engagements. We've got so many things… I've got to do something.”

“I'm ready, bubbe.”

“No Jerry. You can't, not yet.”

“I can Paul. I wanna be….” Jerry stopped abruptly.

“Wanna be what, Jer?

Jerry bowed his head, embarrassed.

“Jerry, what's wrong?”

“I wanna be with you. You're not gonna leave me here, are you?”

“No, pal, I'm not. I'll never leave you.”

Dean doesn't know how he's going to manage, with work, his family, Benny, and Jerry. But he would because Jerry came first, Jerry is his responsibility. He promised him and he will not break that promise.

Dean gets up and stands beside Jerry, hand on his head, petting him like he was a lost puppy. Jerry grabs his hand and just holds it like a lifeline. He looks at Jerry and thinks that maybe he’s hurting him instead of helping him. He’s more clingy than Dean's ever seen him, he can barely go to the bathroom for five minutes. But he promised him and he promised Patti that Jerry would be Jerry again and he will not go back on that promise.

Neither would know what was ahead. A journey to recovery, he's heard the term, but was it a journey? A journey meant a midnight jaunt to the beach with him, his soulmate, his love, or a quick trip to Vegas when things got rough at home, or a train ride on an icy morning in December from New York to Chicago. This wasn't a journey, this would be a ride to hell and back….but Dean would be there for the whole ride, even if they didn't make it back.
~~

Jerry had progressed beautifully, prompting his doctors to declare him ready for discharge, but Dean and Patti had been warned he was in no way healed, his body, yes, but the hard part, his mind, his mental state and how he would react when he was out in the world again. Patti was so grateful to have her husband back, but Dean knew it was different. Jerry was ready, he said, but Dean knew better, he knew Jerry. He had seen a change in him since they had the talk about Dean needing to get back to work. Jerry was so encouraging, almost like he was telling Dean to go on, he’d be fine, but in the stillness of the night, he’d heard the cries of a man who didn’t know where he was or where he was going. He cried silently, gripping his pillow for support, instead of Dean's arm or hand. It nearly broke Dean. Maybe he’s trying to cope on his own, maybe he could, but a tiny part of Dean hoped he couldn’t, because just like Jerry needed him, he’d made a discovery, he needed Jerry too. He needed to protect him and love him and fuss over him. What a discovery, to learn that you, Dean Martin, was a mess, just like they all said about Jerry. Could they ever really be apart and survive? He hopes like hell he’ll never find out.
~~

“I’m proud of you,” Dean whispered to Jerry. He stood at the threshold of Jerry and Patti’s home, he and Jeanne ready to leave after a nice dinner. Patti always was a fine cook and very understanding hostess, she had to be, with Jerry’s amateur moviemaking. It was his passion and Dean was only too happy to oblige him, spoil him, whatever you wanted to call it, but Dean loved doing it because he loved that boy more than anything and still did.

As Jeanne and Patti chattered, Dean noticed Jerry's dancing fingers, always a sign of nervousness.

“Th-thanks Paul,” Jerry laughed nervously.

“You’re gonna be just fine.” They shook hands like men should, and as Jerry's grip slackened, Dean pulled him into a hug. “Take care, ok?”

“I’m trying Paul, I really am. I…” Jerry looked unsure, eyes averted. As Dean backed away, Jerry finally let go of Dean’s hand.

Jeanne put her hand on Jerry's forearm, and reached up and kissed his cheek. She looked for the correct words, proper words to speak, but couldn’t find any. She gazed into his eyes and saw, not the free spirit, with his wild zest for life, but a vulnerability, an uncertainty. Jeanne can see the emotional turmoil within them and a strange feeling came over her, she actually felt sorry for him, and as she gripped his arm, she hoped he could see what she wanted to convey to him. He smiled, and she hugged him tight, “I’m sorry Jerry, so sorry.” She hoped he took it the way she meant it, that she was sorry about his ordeal, and not sorry about their past, filled with jealousy over Dean. But as she climbed into Dean' s car, she realized she was just as sorry over that too. Jerry needed everybody who’s ever loved him right now, and she would be one of them, for Dean and Patti’s sake, if not her own, as well.
~~

It was dark, he was trapped. His body not allowing him to move, not even to relieve himself. He yearned for something that he couldn’t find. Dean. Where was he, he was supposed to come. He had detached himself from me, Jerry thought. He had lied to me and he cried, but the stale, dusty air did not answer, it just lingered, assailing his nostrils. He was supposed to smell Dean, not this. He reached out for him but he wasn’t there, only miles of emptiness, darkness and he cried, not because he was here but because Dean was supposed to be by his side and he wasn’t. He promised! Then, out of a dark corner covered in cobwebs, a face appeared, unrecognized but still vaguely familiar. His eyes pierced his soul, evoking a sense of fear, pain, and longing. Jerry jumps in his sleep, grabs his face, and runs, he doesn’t know the way. This place is not home. His only home is with Dean and he runs to him but he’s not there. He screams, and finds a door, finally, with shaky hands unlatching it and runs as fast as he can. He’s at the edge of the water. He doesn’t know what to do, all he knows is that he’s escaped and he can’t go back, he won’t! He has to find Dean.

He drops to the cool ground and feels wetness. He’s wet himself. His hand goes to his face to find blood. Where is he and what has he done?! He’s lost. “Help me God, please!”

Patti is running towards him but Jerry does not recognize her.

“No, please! Let me go, don’t hurt me anymore, I’ll do anything!!”

“Jerry! Oh my God! What’s happened?!”

“I give up. Just don’t hurt me, don’t hurt him either. Please don’t! He doesn’t deserve it! Please”

“Jerry, baby.”

Jerry curls into a ball and trembles. He will not move, he only stares out over the shimmering water of the pool.

“Stay here, ok? Don’t move.”

Jerry stares, still trembling and confused.

Patti dials quickly, hands trembling like her husband's. It rings four times and on the fifth ring, “Hello? Patti, what is it?” Dean was already up, pulling on pants and shoes before Patti even spoke.

“Dean, please come, please!”

“On my way. Just hold on!”

Dean drove like a madman, luckily little traffic was out or he’d have surely ran over somebody.

He arrived in record time, running up the walk to be met by Patti.

“He’s out back by the pool”

Dean runs through the back door and goes to his knees at Jerry's side. “Jerry? C’mere.” Dean gently lifts his shoulders and turns him into his chest. Jerry begins to cry and scream, trembling so badly, Dean thinks he’s gonna be sick.

Jerry smells him, he knows he’s safe so he puts his arms around Dean’s neck and settles in.

Dean positions Jerry in his arms and stands, he walks past Patti and up the stairs to the room he stayed in months before. He gently places Jerry on the bed and begins to undress him. He stands him up and goes to the shower. He climbs in with him, fully clothed, just in case he couldn’t stand on his own. Dean gently cleanses him as Patti stands and watches, crying silent tears at what she’s witnessing. She’s witnessing love in its purest form, transcending the ordinary. She now understands their electric chemistry, it was the profound love between them that made the world fade away. It’s been said they performed to each other, instead of an audience, and now she sees it. Dean never acknowledged me, Patti thought, it was only Jerry he saw, just like onstage. She now knew, standing here watching these two, that no matter if Dean had to go to the ends of the earth and back, he would heal Jerry, and he would always love him and it would never waver, no matter the circumstance.

She watched him dry him, dress him and lay him down, covering his body with the blankets, but his next action made Patti cry more because of the beauty of it. Dean lay beside him, encircling his waist, as Jerry held his hand. Jerry promptly fell asleep, but Dean would never know Patti witnessed the tear that slid down his cheek.

Chapter Text

Meds and more meds, that's all the doctors knew. Jerry was so drugged up all the time now, he couldn't think straight.

“You can't go on like this pal.”

“Been doing just fine,Paul.”

“Jerry, you take those little pills all the time. You never sleep now!”

“Well I tried the shock treatment. It’s so….undignified!”

“Pal, I’m just worried.”

Jerry softened, “I’m sorry, Paul.” He got up from the vanity in their dressing room and went to hug him. It always helped, just to feel Dean once in a while. “I don’t think it’ll ever be ok,”

Dean cupped his cheeks, thumbs caressing his lips, “I told you, it’s going to be ok, and I would never lie to you, baby.”

Jerry’s face fell, and as Dean’s hands fell to his side, Jerry said what they’d both dreaded. “When do you think the police will question me Paul?”

“Soon” Dean would not lie to him or sugar coat anything. They had talked about it once in the last two weeks, since Jerry's nightmare, his first night home.

“I can’t remember Paul. Just in my dreams, I remember how I felt.”

“They can’t hold him much longer without evidence.”

“You think he did it, Paulie?”

“Yes Jer, I do.”

“Why?”

“Because he's a sick bastard, and if he ever even looks at you again, I'll kill him.”

Jerry looks at Dean from his perch on the window sill, confusion clouding his eyes. “What happened, Paul? I need to know.”

“Jerry, this is neither the time nor the place, we've got rehearsals.”

“I'm goin crazy, Paul. I can't take much more. I mean, I have to take these meds that they give insane people, just so I won't have nightmares, which cause me to stay awake….a-and I can't eat, I can't do anything. I messed up out there awhile ago, did you see it, my timing's off, I'm even afraid to take a pratfall. I can't do it!”

Dean is up and by his side immediately, with his hand on the back of his neck, soothing, encouraging. “This is only your second day back, it's gonna take a little while, but I know you and I know your determination. It's all gonna work out… I promise.”

“I'm just so tired, but it's my fault….. I..”

“You look here, there's none of this your fault!” Dean was waving his free hand, a little bothered that he would even entertain the thought of any of this being his fault.

Jerry bowed his head and played with his fingers, “Paul? What if he, or whoever did it, goes free?”

Dean straightened his back and turned Jerry to face him, again cupping his face, maybe a little too harsh, “If they let him go, I promise you, he'll live a life of hell,...if he even gets to live at all. He will not get away with it. Nobody's ever gonna hurt you again!” Dean, without thinking, reaches down and kisses him square on the mouth. He puts his forehead against Jerry's and Jerry's arms encircle Dean's waist.

“I've never felt like this before, Paul.

“What's wrong, Jer? Talk to me.”

“No,no, I meant the way I feel when you're nearby. I just feel so surrounded by everything I've ever wanted.”

“And what's that, pal?”

“Love, protection, and actually belonging. I feel like I belong to somebody and they belong to me. I meant, well, it's just a feeling, you make me feel it.”

“It's not only a feeling, it's a fact. Me and you…we belong to each other, we even did a number called, “We Belong Together.’ Aint nobody gonna come between us… ever.”

“I'm so glad I'm right, and y'know, I remember that song.

Dean smiles at his boy, admires him, even. “You're getting better everyday.”

Jerry smiles, his beautiful facial features already back in place, perfectly shaped mouth, and those beautiful sparkling, hazel eyes, soft dark hair, and the cute little hole in his chin.

“You like?”

“I more than like.”

Jerry jumps into his arms and licks the side of Dean's face. Pretty soon they're laughing so hard, they don't hear the knock on the door. Their producer appears from the other side of the door, just as a dirty t-shirt goes whizzing by his head.

“Well, I see things are back to normal.”

A sock hits him in the face. “Ok ok, you guys ready to go to work?”

They both stand with their arms draped around each other, smiling like they're trying to hide something. “Ready, willing and able.”

“Five minutes.”

He turns and goes back out of their dressing room door, shaking his head.

“Ready Mr Martin?”

“Ready Mr Lewis.”

After one last, longing glance at one another, they skipped out of the dressing room, Martin and Lewis style.

~~

“It felt so good, Paul! I did it, my timing was great, I was funny, at least I think I was, and it's because of you. You're the greatest guy in the world, and the best singer, and I just wish I could be with you forever!”

Their tv show had been a smash. The audience was so attentive and welcomed Jerry back in the greatest way they could. They laughed hysterically because he and Dean were funnier than they'd ever been. Jerry felt like he was on top of the world, like he was walking on air.

Dean wonders why his partner is especially lively tonight even though he knows Jerry had always been full of youthful, exuberant energy.

“You were wonderful Jer, absolutely wonderful!”

“Let's go out, bubbe! Let's celebrate!”

“Where do you wanna go, pal?”

“Anywhere as long as you're there”

“Well l’ll be right there, always.”

They didn't bother changing, Jerry's energy wouldn't allow it. He was as energetic as Dean's ever seen him, but when the high wears off, he would crash, and Dean felt he should be there in case the nightmares came back. He'd been nightmare free since his first night home, as far as he knew. He tried to give Patti some privacy after that night he slept with Jerry, and held him. Patti had told him the next morning how much she appreciates him and that Jerry's very lucky to have someone to love him like that, tears in her eyes.

Dean rushed out after the little tornado. This was going to be some night, Dean thought, running around after him.

They went to a well known nightclub with their band members and ordered drinks for the whole club, Jerry immediately downing his first bourbon.

“Easy does it, pal. You're not used to that stuff.”

“Sure I am.”

Dean knew not to argue when he got like this. He'd just wait it out til Jerry starts to slur his speech and then he'll take him back to the hotel and put him to bed.

Jerry disappeared while Dean was talking to some friends and he panicked. “Anybody seen him?”

One of the trumpet players in the band thought he may have went to the bathroom, so Dean headed that way. As Dean entered, Jerry was coming out of a stall, zipping his pants.

“I was worried.”

Jerry looked at Dean like he had two heads. “Worried? That I had to use the restroom?”

“Sorry, Jer. I'm responsible for you, y'know.”

Jerry finishes washing his hands and looks curiously at Dean, “responsible, huh?”

“Sure…like always.”

Jerry breaks into a smile, glad to see Dean with him. He felt like superman when he was with Dean.

Jerry steps up and kisses him on the cheek, and Dean sees his red rimmed, half closed eyes up close. He reeks of cigarettes and alcohol. They've only been here a short while but Dean remembers his ordeal and casts his doubts to the side. Maybe the trauma has something to do with Jerry's already drunken state. “Now let's go raise some hell,” Jerry whispers.

Dean follows him out into the crowded nightclub and watches him go over and sit with a few of the band members. Dean orders a bourbon and goes to sit with them, watching Jerry closely over the rim of his glass.

“There’s my pal. The best in all the world!” Jerry raised his glass to Dean, clearly on his way to a massive hangover. Dean smiles at him and ruffles his hair.

“Calm down pal,” he whispers in Jerry's ear.

“I'm sorry, Paulie. Am I getting on your nerves?” Dean pulled back and eyed him warily, knowing he was in for a long night.

The waiter brought him another drink and cleared away the empty glasses.

“Course not.”

“That's good. I wouldn't ever do anything that you didn't want me to. Just…… just let me know and…w-what were we talking about?” Jerry's speech was slurring and he seemed to be swaying in his chair. They'd only been here a little over an hour and Jerry had downed six four ounce glasses of whiskey and brandy. He was never a drinker, only ever partaking whenever he was with Dean.

“Not important, but pal, we probably should go.”

“Aw bubbe, why? We've…only…got… here.”

“Doesn't matter. You're gonna make yourself sick.”

“Nope. I got these. They are the best things.”

Jerry produced two little yellow pills from his shirt pocket and popped them in his mouth.

“Jerry, what did you just take?”

“This pills that give you energy and keep you awake….amphe…amphet…. I can't remember, Paul.

“Amphetamines?”

“Yea. That's the word. You're so smart.”

“Jerry. Did the doctor give you those?”

“Course not. They don't…. ever give the good stuff.”

“Jerry.” Dean shook his head sadly at his partner

“What bubbe?” Jerry had slid closer to Dean so he could lay his head on his shoulder.

“Jerry, c'mon, now.”

“What? I love you.”

“I know you do but you don't have to tell everybody.”

Jerry grabbed one of the trumpet players' drinks and downed it.

“Just getting started. Gotta go to the boys room again.”

“C'mon I'm going with you.”

“Pauuulll, I can go alone.” Jerry whined for everybody to hear.

“Let him go, Dino.” Some of the guys were urging Jerry to go do his business.

After Jerry stumbled off, Dean carefully watching his every move, the boys filled him in on some information.

“Listen Dino, he’s been downing those things like those jellybeans he eats. We didn’t think you knew, that’s why we wanted him to leave for a minute.”

“I knew he’d been taking something, just thought the doctor gave him something.”

“Listen, sometimes I take them, but only if we’ve got a long night and I need to stay awake. Jerry asked for one and he went from there. Didn’t know he was gonna go all out like this. We’re really worried about him.”

“No need. I’ve got it under control”

“We’d knew you’d know what to do,”

Dean hurried to the men's room just in time to see Jerry pop something into his mouth. “Jerry!” He turned around, startled, almost losing his balance, as Dean grabbed his arm, a little too harshly.

“W-what is it, Paul?” Jerry was clearly frightened and Dean immediately felt remorse. He shouldn't have yelled like that.

“Jerry, did you just take more pills?”

“Yea Paul. They're harmless, they help me out.”

“Jerry, they may be harmless if you only take one once in a while, but I’ve seen you take at least three tonight.”

Jerry looked lost in a haze of drinks and pills, his eyes looked unfocused, and Dean could tell he struggled against an invisible current, something pulling him away from everything good and decent and beautiful in his life. Dean laid his hand on Jerry’s shoulder, just as he dropped on his knees to the floor, the effects of the alcohol and pills starting to take hold.

“Jerry! You ok?”

“I'm so tired…I'm so tired.”

Dean knelt close to Jerry, his touch a comforting presence, soothing him. “C'mon, I'm taking you home.”

“No! Please…. don't. Please Paul,” Jerry looked directly at Dean, his face a scant two inches from his partners, “Don't make me. Let's stay a while longer.”

“No Jerry. You're gonna collapse. I'm not letting you do this to yourself.”

Jerry lowered his head to his knees, shoulders trembling as he finally broke down.

Dean lay his head on Jerry's, his heart heavy with a profound sorrow, but an endless love that sometimes scared him.

“Please, I can't. Paul please.”

“Jerry, what. Tell me. What can't you do?” Dean whispered softly, as he urged him gently up to face him. What Dean saw nearly broke him. Jerry's eyes, red and swollen, pierced Dean's heart. Jerry shook his head back and forth, “Don't make me….please don't make me go to sleep!”

It took only a few seconds for Dean to realize what he was saying, “Ah Jerry, Jerry, oh my God, you haven't slept?”

“I'm scared Paul. I'm so scared.”

“How long?”

“Three days. I can't!”

Jerry tried to stand, ashamed of being like this in front of his greatest friend. He stumbled and almost fell back to his knees, but two strong hands caught him easily, and held him up.

Dean gripped his upper arms, and pulled him into his chest, “You're gonna sleep. Tonight, you're gonna sleep, I promise you that.”

“I don't want to.” Dean saw the terror in his eyes, and it nearly broke him.

“I’ll be there. It’ll be ok.”

“No. I’ve been such a big baby. I’m a man, why can’t I be one, or at least act like one?”

“Jerry, just because you’re scared doesn’t make you less of a man, just because you need somebody doesn’t mean you’re weak. Look at me, I’m a prime example.”

“Example?”

“Yea…I’m scared , and I desperately need somebody. I thought for a while I didn’t, but….” Dean looked at Jerry with the tenderness he always would feel for him, “I found I was wrong, I need him and I love him.”

Jerry fell into Dean, wrapping his long, skinny arms around Dean as if he were the only one who could save him, and at this point, he was. The safety and security he always felt when they were together was felt a million times more.

“I love you, I love you, I love you. I can’t help it, I know you don’t like to hear it much but I do.” Jerry cried it out on Dean's shoulder as he soothed him by stroking his back, whispering softly, “I know, I know, baby.”

Jerry backed up to stare at Dean, "I'm ok now. I-I think I'd like to go home.”

“You won't sleep tonight, will you?”

Jerry bowed his head, unable to look Dean in the eye. “No, not much. When I doze off….. I dream, and it's bad, Paul, so bad.”

“You have to sleep.”

“No, I can't! I don't want to dream that anymore!”

“Tell me, Jer. Please. What's in your dream that's got you like this?”

Jerry trembled, like he was losing what little control of himself he had regained. Dean would not let him lose anymore. “I can't Dean. Not even you. I can't say.”

“You don't have to tell me. You don't have to tell anyone til you're ready.””

“I knew I could depend on you. Paul, you're the only one who understands me, the only one.”

Dean framed his face with his strong hands, thumbs rubbing circles on his pale cheeks. Dean smiled. “Better, now?” Jerry's hands came up to rest on Dean's wrists,
“You make everything better.”

Dean felt a sudden rush of sympathy for Jerry, noticing his bloodshot eyes and the sheer exhaustion on his face.

“Let's go home.”

Jerry averted his eyes and nodded. “Ok”

“And no more pills, Jerry. They could be dangerous.”

“Housewives take ‘em. How could they be bad? I don’t wanna sleep. I don’t want to dream again.”

“I’ll stay with you, that is if Patti doesn’t mind.”

“She won’t. She doesn’t even know I haven’t been sleeping.”

“Jer. Now you see what I mean? You can’t fool people into thinking you're ok.”

“Sure Paul but I hate to ask you to stay like I’m some kid or somethin.”

“You’re my kid, so it’s different.”

Jerry's crooked smile endeared Dean to him even more. “I am?”

“You bet.”

“Somebody’s looking out for me, because I don’t deserve you.”

“C’mon monkey, let’s go.”

Jerry was still a little drunk and still a little high, but Dean has always known how to calm him, and reel him back into a place unknown to everyone else except Jerry.

They left the club and immediately stopped for food and the biggest milkshake Dean could get. They took the food back to Jerry's backyard mini studio and ate on the coffee table where so many pictures of them had been taken. Jerry ate like he’s never had anything before and his giant milkshake was a treat he hadn’t had in a while. Dean briefly wonders if the kid has anything to eat at all unless he’s around.

It was well after midnight when Jerry finished his meal, eyes already heavy with sleep. Jerry jerks his eyes open, a voluntary action he had adopted since the dreams had started.

“Cmon Jer. Lay down. I’m here. I ain’t goin nowhere.”

“I’m just…I don’t know, his face. I don’t wanna see his face.“

Dean wanted to question him but he promised he wouldn’t. There’d be time for that later. Jerry had to know what was coming. He knew he had to identify Benny and it scared him half to death. When that time came, Dean would be right there, he’d catch him if he fell or worse.

Dean eased his already unbuttoned shirt off his shoulders and then he undid the latches and buttons on his pants and slid them off. He eased him under the covers and took his own clothes off, sliding into bed beside an almost asleep Jerry. Dean scoots up behind him, encircles his waist and pulls him close. “Good night, Jer.”

“Mm, tired Paul, so…tire…”

“I know, just let it go Jer, you're so wired up..let it go.”

Dean removes his arms from around Jerry and backs up enough to rub his back and shoulders. “Paul….it feels so .. good.”

“Sleep now,” Dean says and pulls Jerry back up against him. Soon, Dean can hear the soft, sweet breaths of him, reminding him of those electric nights, when he had worn himself thin, and Dean had to wrap his arms around him to stop the little tornado inside.

Dean kisses the back of his shorn hair, reveling in its softness.

He lays his head on Jerry's shoulder and soon sleep claims him, as well.

~~

The darkness is suffocating him, the air thick with fear and total despair. He hears whispered taunts that echo the horrors he experienced. He feels hands grip his body, pulling him back into the darkness. He is powerless as he fights back, screaming Dean's name, begging him to come. As the walls close in, he sees his attacker, slick black hair and eyes that loom red in the pale light of the dilapidated structure. He grabs Jerry by the throat and as he starts to tear his shirt to shreds, Jerry screams, knowing it's fruitless, but he thinks maybe Dean can still hear him. Dean would save him, he always did.

“Dean! Dean!” His body is trembling as he jumps up out of bed and crouches in a corner behind the door.

Dean is right behind him, “Jerry, Jerry, you're ok.”He wraps both arms all the way around him as Jerry fights. Dean positions himself on the floor behind him and traps his legs underneath his. “Ssshh, it's me. It's Paul. It's Dean, boy. I'm here. Look behind you.”

Jerry slowly turns his head to meet Dean's gaze. His eyes, wild with fear, softens as he realizes it's his Paul. He cries uncontrollably and Dean sits with him on the floor and just holds him. “ I'm so sorry Jer. I'm sorry.”

Jerry's head is still buried in Dean's shirt front, fisting the material into a ball, as Dean wraps him up tighter.

As his sobs subsided, Dean looked at his red swollen face and kissed his chin. He smiled, “Everything's ok. It's gonna be different from here on out. Dean stands up and gently leads his partner back to bed. He lays beside him and kisses his lips and swollen eyes, caressing his back, then kissing him again. Jerry feels so much love, he thinks he's in heaven.

“You feel good,” Jerry whispers. He kisses Dean's neck and settles there. “ I-I think I'm in love with you, Paul.”

Dean chuckles softly, and it sounds so lovely with Jerry's lips right up against Dean's throat.

“Well that's great, considering all the……ahem” Dean clears his throat, exaggerating the gesture, “considering the things we've done together.”

“Mmmm, s’nice” Jerry was slipping away as Dean caressed his back and side. Dean has to admit he's a little disappointed.

“I'm in love with you, too, baby.”

Jerry tightens his arms around Dean's middle and settles in. Dean doesn't know if he even heard what he said, but Jerry knows how he feels, he just likes to hear it, but what Dean doesn't think Jerry knows, is how far he would go to protect him. The very real possibility exists that Dean would kill for him and that terrified Dean, not even the actual killing part, but that part of him that loves that much, the part of him that's so attached to another human being, that he'd ruin his own life for him. But he would, right now, in an instant. This boy lying in his arms was, not only in his heart and soul, he was his heart and soul. That's the scariest part of all because when you love like that, you risk loss, and Dean would never get over that. He shivered, and thought.. he would rather die.

Chapter Text

“The police called again. They want me to come downtown. They want me to try and identify him, Paul.”

“Gotta do it Jer.”

“Is it so bad to admit I'm scared?”

“Course not.”

“I just can't shake this, Paul. It's like this guy's haunting me.”

Dean felt the anger rise into his throat and face. His fists clenched at his sides, trying to stay calm for Jerry's sake.

“Let's get it done, Jer. Then the healing can start.”

“I know your patience is probably wearing thin..but this is something I don't know, Paul, I just don't know anything.”

“Jer, what have I told you? Huh?”

Jerry got up from his spot on the small sofa in their dressing room in Atlantic City. Jerry had gotten better and better, since he’d stopped taking the yellow pills but Dean was certain he still took an occasional one. He hadn’t mentioned not sleeping but Dean knew, he knew him like the back of his hand. He wouldn’t say anything that would cause me any pain.

“That everything’s gonna be ok, and that….you'd always be there. But will you? Always be there, Paul? You got a life too, one that doesn’t include me, and I feel so bad for keeping you away from it. You’re gonna wind up hating me one day, I just know it.”

Dean had to answer the right way because of Jer’s sensitive nature, “Jer, boy, look at me. I do have another life, but don’t you know how much of my life is you?” Dean pokes his finger at Jerry’s chest, trying to appear carefree.

“I know you love and care about me, but there's gonna come a time where you can't be there. You got a big family, lots of kids, and a wife. Guess what I'm trying to say is…I'm trying to prepare myself when you can't be there and I figure this is the time to do it because it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Anything else, well, it'll be a piece of cake.”

“Jer, are you trying to say you don't need me?”

Jerry turned and faced Dean, “No, Paul, no, I'll never not need you. I need you so badly it hurts. It's kinda like I'm trying to protect myself, it's always been your job but I think I'm a burden sometimes.”

“Jer,” Dean shakes his head sadly, how can he make the kid understand? He needed to get this out of his head, and quick because when he comes face to face with Benny, Dean doesn't know what's gonna happen. He'll tell him the truth as best as he could.

“Look, Jer. You're not a burden, pal. I gotta be honest, though.” Dean put his hands on Jerry's shoulders, and Jerry braced himself. “You come first.”

Jerry looked at Dean with furrowed brows, clearly not anticipating what Dean was saying.

“W-what are you saying, Paul?”

“You come first, just what it means, pal.”

Jerry could only stare, wordless, as he realized what Dean was saying. His heart raced as he processed Dean's words, feeling more connected to him than ever before. A smile broke out across his face, illuminating his beautiful features, as he realized the depth of the bond they shared. “Paul. You can't mean it”

“Listen. I do have a family and I do love them and I'll do anything for them. They're my responsibility, but you… you're more than that. I'll come to you, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. If you need me, even if it's just to talk, I'll be wherever you are. I won't let you down…not ever.”

Openly crying, Jerry did the only thing he could do…fall into Dean's chest and sob.

~~

“Mr Lewis. We'll bring him out. Remember, he can't see you.”

Jerry just stared, wide-eyed and frightened to death. He remembers the dream. The time has come. He was told he better not …..for Dean's sake, he better not. He closes his eyes but it doesn't help, he tries to will his face away but he can't. He tries to think…let him go and be tortured his whole life or tell them he's the one, and then Dean would be in danger. He is scared out of his mind and he needs Dean so badly. He said he'd always be there. He tried to do this alone, he told Dean he could, but he can't, not with this decision. He can't. He makes an excuse and tells the sergeant he'll be right back.

Jerry goes outside and just breathes. This decision will be a life changing one. It doesn't matter what he chooses to do, his life will be changed forever, and not for the good. He identifies Benny, Dean will be in danger and if he doesn't, Jerry's would be. Jerry knows Benny's not man of the year material, he knows his past, and it's not good. He wants to desperately call Dean, and just let him take over, but this is his to bear, he will live with his decision.

The walk back was like relieving the nightmare all over again. As he walks, he tries his best to stay calm. He wants it to be over. He tells the sergeant, “I'm ready”

He is brought in by another uniformed policeman and told to stand still and look straight ahead. Jerry looks up, fear gripping his heart. He sees him, those eyes, the eyes of the devil. Jerry swallowed hard, his hands trembling as they did a nervous dance in his lap. “Th-thats not him.”

Jerry gets up to leave, but is stopped by the bewildered policeman. “Mr. Lewis, are you sure?”

“Yes, now I've got to go!”

“Mr. Lewis, if we let him go, you can't change your mind later.”

“I know.” Jerry stammers, “I know.”

As he walks out into the warm California sun, a voice behind him, familiar and welcome, cuts through his thoughts, abating his fear. “Paul, it's over.”

“You did ok? Everything's alright?”

Jerry breathed heavily, “Yes Paul, it's ok now,” before walking away from him, leaving Dean with questions but no answers. “Hey, Jer! Wait a minute…. now what's up?”

“He's free.”

“What do you mean?”

“It wasn't him. He's free.”

“Jerry, you look at me..now.”

Jerry lifts his chin up off his chest and looks directly at Dean, “please don't be mad, Paul. I had to do it…. I mean, I had to make the right decision.”

“Jerry,” Dean said sadly, “What is it? There's some you're not telling me.”

“It's ok Paul. Everything's going to be ok, you're gonna be fine.”

Dean looked confused, “Jerry! Look, buddy, you've got to tell me. I know you and I know there's something you're not telling me.”

“Nothing Paulie” Jerry frames his face with his soft, delicate hands, “Everything's fine, it's gonna be.” Dean reaches up and encircles his wrists with his big hands. He thinks to himself, why does he get to me, why do I let him get away with it, when I know something is off?

“Jerm…. what am I gonna do with you, huh? I know something's not right, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you know what you're doing, so I'm gonna trust you.”

“Thank you, my buddy and pal.”

They stood like that for what seemed like forever, just looking at each other, both men silently telling the other of the love they felt.

Dean let go of Jerry's wrists and backed away, “If I left it up to you, we'd be smooching here on the sidewalk.”

“You know it. I don't care who sees. I love you and that's that. Why can't I show you in public? I'll never understand.”

“You know why. We'd be banished from Hollywood, we'd never work again. You know all that, we've talked about it a thousand times.”

Jerry just looked past Dean, then dropped his head, his fingers doing their nervous dance that signaled to Dean that he was upset about something, or wanted to say something he knew Dean wouldn't like. “You ever wish we could just stop? The movies, TV, all that?”

“And do what? We got families, y'know. Besides, I love being your partner.”

“It's kind of not what I meant.”

“What, Jer?”

“I had a dream once…me and you just left everything behind and left town. We went everywhere, did anything we wanted. I kissed you whenever I wanted. You could come up behind me and hug me and kiss my neck, and there was no one to stop us. We just loved each other, it was so open and beautiful.

“Ah, Jer. I don't know what to tell ya, pal. We can still do those things, in private.”

“Yea, I know. Just a dream I had. I know it'll never come true.”

Dean rubbed Jerry's head and let his hand rest on his neck. He had an idea that had been floating around in his head since Jerry had gotten released from the hospital. He just didn't know if he would want to do it, but he'd been reading about trauma patients and one of the things he read that might help them stay off the medication is to go away with somebody you loved and trusted explicitly. Dean thinks Jerry trusted him so maybe now's the time.

“Jer? Um, I need to ask you something.”

“Sure.”

“First off, are you still having the dreams?”

Jerry turned his back to Dean, not sure of what to say. His hands did their nervous dance, alerting Dean that he's probably not gonna tell him the whole truth.

“S-sometimes.”

Dean looked around, people were starting to stare. It was hard enough being on the street and getting recognized all the time, but it was another when people see them in a very private conversation.

“Let's go back to my house. We'll sit by the pool or in my den. Whatever you like.”

“Sure Paul. I'd like that.”

~~

“Thought you wanted to ask me something,” Jerry said after they had played two games of chess and watched an episode of “Death Valley Days.”

“Sure you don't wanna eat?”

“Just not hungry, but I'm sure that's not what you wanted to ask.”

Dean took his stocking feet off the table, prompting Jerry to straighten up from his position of leaning over on Dean. He sat up to retrieve a smoke. He picked up Jerry's lighter, the one he had given him, and lit up.

“Go away with me.”

Jerry straightened up and looked over at his partner, cigarette hung lazily between his lips. “Come again?”

“Let's me and you,” Dean pointed between them, “go away, by ourselves, you know, togetherboth.”

Jerry smiled at one of their signature phrases. “You mean just take off like we usually do, to Vegas or Palm Springs?”

“No. I was thinking of an extended vacation.”

Jerry was giddy with excitement. They hadn't done that since the early days of their partnership.

“Really? You wanna, just me and you?”

“I wanna.”

“I'd love that…..but… what about our commitments?”

“We do the Colgate show Sunday, then we get two weeks off, but Wallis can wait on the start of our film, and he will.”

“Definitely he will. Wow, how long we talking about?”

Dean put his hand on Jerry's face, “As long as it takes. I want you back, the way you were.”

“Where we goin? I'm excited already.”

Dean laughed, a deep rich laughter that let Jerry know he adored him. “Anywhere you want.”

“We're both goin so it should be both our decisions. The beach, maybe?”

Dean laughed again and playfully punched him in the shoulder, “Thought it was both our decision.”

“Well don't ya wanna?”

“Dean's face softened, “Anywhere you wanna go… we'll go.”

“Let's call ol Wallis and tell him he'll have to do without us for a while.”

Dean laughed out loud again.”Do it baby.”

Jerry's smile faded but only a little, “I love when you call me that.”

“You are, y'know. No matter how grown up you get. Always my baby.”

“I remember what we used to do.”

“Jer, that's great. I'm so glad.”

“I mean, I remember what we did. We couldn’t keep our hands off one another.”

Dean watches his partner's face as a wave of emotion washes over him. It’s like old times as desire overtakes both of them.

“You remember everything?”

“I hope so. You can fill in the blanks. I knew there was something missing.” Jerry tentatively reached over and kissed Dean's lips.”

“Jer.”

“I knew in the hospital we were more than just pals.”

“Are you ready?”

Jerry backs up, a little bashful at his brashness.”Guess I got carried away, bubbe.”

“We got time, baby. All the time in the world.”

“I hope I did the right thing… with Benny and all, I…” Jerry was thinking out loud and hoped Dean didn't think too hard about it.

“Jer, I wish you'd tell me everything. I know there's some else, but I won't push you, I know you'll tell me when you're ready.”

Jerry just nods his head and changes the subject. “When can we leave, Paul?”

“Anytime after Sunday, pal, it's up to you. Anything you want.”

“Sunday night.”

Dean chuckles, “If that's what you want, then that's when we'll leave.”

“Can't wait.”Jerry reached over and hugged his friend, thankful he still had him. Dean meant life to Jerry and he can't foresee a life without him.

~~

It wasn't much, but Jerry jumped around like the nine year old he was frequently associated with. “This is wonderful, Paul!”

They had left last night after their television show ended, and had driven for about six hours, arriving just in time to watch the sun come up over the ocean.

“Thought you'd like it. It's private and out of the way.”

“I'm in love, bubbe.”

Dean stopped while getting their bags out of the backseat of his car, and turned to watch his exuberant partner. He was so beautiful, it took his breath away. He knew Jerry was talking about the little cottage and the very private property on which it sat, but Dean couldn't help thinking about their first years together when Jerry would show him everyday how much he loved him. It was like a routine, Jerry would kiss him and tell him how much he meant to him, then Dean would get him in a head lock and tell him it better always be that way or else…then they would laugh and laugh.

“Me too, partner.”

The two of them locked eyes and smiled, each knowing what it all meant.

Jerry grabbed the groceries they had stopped in town to buy and both men entered the small beach house and set about unpacking and opening windows to let the fresh, cool breeze air out the house.

The house had once belonged to a golfing buddy of Dean's but, unbeknownst to Jerry or anybody else, Dean had bought it, mainly for himself and Jerry. It had a wrap around porch with trees all around. The ocean was a few hundred yards down a winding path, through rocks and woods. It was well off the main highway so few people knew it was even there.

“Whaddya wanna do first?” Jerry asked, with the excitement of that nine year old boy.

Dean looked incredulously at Jerry, “Has this brutally fresh air done something to your brain, boy?! Sleep, I'm going to sleep!”

“Aw Paul, we can sleep tonight!"

“You little fink, you slept on my shoulder practically the whole way here.”

“Well, yea I did. Can I help it if I like to be near you?”

Dean softened as usual, “I loved every minute of it, baby. But…I do need some rest.”

“Well it would feel great to stretch these legs out.”

“Good, then we'll go play on the beach.”

“I like it, I like it!”

Dean laughed out loud, so happy that he had this idea.

The living room was spacious, taking into consideration that the house was small, two big bay windows on opposite walls. There was a small bedroom with one single bed to the right as soon as you walked in. The wall facing the front door led down a small hallway to the kitchen and to the right, another short hallway that led to a bigger bedroom with a double bed, a full bathroom across the hall.

“I'll take the small bedroom, Paul.”

Dean, not knowing how to broach the subject, said “You can sleep anywhere you want.” He looked at the double bed, hoping he'd take the hint.

“Uh, we've slept together lots of times, and this bed looks awfully comfortable.”

“Then stay in here” Dean looked away as if it was settled.

Dean undressed and crawled under the covers. Jerry, shyly took his pants and shirt off and slid in beside Dean. “Feels so good Paul.”

“Mmm.”

Jerry cast an amused glance over at Dean. He often marveled at how easily he fell asleep. He instinctively scooted over to plant a kiss on his cheek before settling down, his head touching Dean's shoulder.

Dean opened one eye to look at his partner staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t help but to lean over and kiss him back. As Jerry turned his head to look at Dean and smile, Dean had already grabbed his hand and intertwined their hands. As if it was the most normal thing in the world, they shared a deep, meaningful kiss, with Dean cupping Jerry's face and Jerry holding Dean around his middle, hand reaching up to gently caress his back. It was a promise, Jerry thought, of the nights ahead, and the passion he knew they would share. As Dean held him, Jerry drifted off in a sleep so deep, he wouldn’t awaken til he saw the bright sunshine sending its rays into the open window. Dean was watching him, with barely hidden desire, but the only thing he did was to kiss Jerry deeply and thoroughly, a promise of things to come.

Chapter Text

“Cold?” Dean asked his partner as they sat on the beach, the darkness setting in. The horizon was a mix of pink and orange, glittering off the ocean like floodlights on Broadway.

“Just a little. It's real nice though, having the fresh cool air hitting me in the face.”

“It gives you a sense of how big the world really is, when you think about it.”

Jerry cocked his head, quizzically looking at Dean, “Whaddya mean?”

“Well, it's like when we're in L.A. working on a picture or gettin’on a train to go to Chicago or Cleveland or somewhere, all we see is people and more people, always wantin something from us. We get used to it after a while. We think that world is the whole world, we can't think beyond that and then we come here and it reminds us, y'know?”

Jerry smiles, overcome by his partner's way of thinking, my he was beautiful. Jerry reaches for Dean's hand which is flat on the sand behind them. Dean sits up and let's Jerry hold his hand and kiss his twisted pinky.

Dean grinned, loving the feel of Jerry's lips on his hand.

“I know what you mean, bubbe, I’m just so glad to be here, just me and you.”

Dean watched his eyes, all bright and shining in the pale light. He doesn’t know what got into him, but he reaches over and pulls Jerry to him, and gives him a bear hug, running his face up and down the length of Jerry's. “I’m so sorry, so sorry.”

“About what, Paul?”

“I let him hurt you.”

“But Paul, you didn’t know.”

“You forgive me, Jer?”

Jerry hugged him hard and held him, “Course I do, but none of what happened is your fault, I never blamed you. I just waited for you to come, and you did. You never let me down. Not ever.”

“Didn’t think I’d make it in time. I was out of my mind.”

“That makes two of us. I don’t know who suffered more,” Jerry remarked, like he’d made a new discovery. “You suffered, Paul?”

“God, yes.”

“Then I’m sorry too.”

“For what?” Dean said as he cupped Jerry's face in his big hands.

“For not being careful. I ran out that night, and I never watched where I was going, I just went. I was so scared.”

“That was my fault. I’m the one who told you to get out,” I promise you something, you’re mine, and I’ll never let you get hurt again.”

Jerry looked at Dean all wild eyed, “I’m yours?”

“Mine”

“Oh Paulie,”

“Now don't get all mushy on me, I'll…. I'll take you back, that's what I'll do.”

“Sure you will. I have a feeling that you might love me just a little.”

“Yea, well you can keep your feeling to yourself.”

Dean's eyes danced with mischief, knowing full well how much he loved and cared for this boy.

“Paul, I remember most everything, but there's a few questions I need to ask.”

“Sure, shoot.”

“Did you always like me, I mean I know you love me, but was i…… difficult sometimes?”

Dean smiled, “that's easy…..yes you were very difficult sometimes. You've got quite the attitude, y'know.”

“Oh, so that's what they mean.”

“Who?”

“I've just overheard people talking, s’all.”

“About us?”

“Yea, like they don't get why you stick with me, I heard one of the sound guys say I'm difficult to work with.”

“You're a little dynamo and you do get out of hand, but I know how to bring you back.”

“How did you do it?”

“First thing I do is this,” Dean lays his big hand on Jerry's slim neck, “and you'd look at me and I'd scold you with my eyes.”

“Your hands do have magical qualities.”

“Sometimes, you needed a bit more, I'd pack you in my car and yell at you, then you'd yell at me, then you'd sulk like a little boy, then….. we'd….”

“What happened next?”

“You know very well what happened.”

“I have an idea…., and Paul?”

“Yea Jer?”

“I'd like you to show me.”

Dean was suddenly shy, wanting him, but at the same time wanting to protect him. He finally glanced up and saw his beautiful eyes, just visible, shining in the pale light.

“Are you sure you want this, you gotta be sure, Jer.”

“Im sure about one thing. I'm in love with you and I want you.”

Dean pulls him up off the sand and threads his fingers through Jerry's, “let's head back.”

“Wait, we're ok, I mean you want the same thing don't you?”

“Boy if you only knew. Jerry reached up to kiss him, but his hand brushed against Dean's straining zipper, and as he gasped, Dean captured his mouth. “See what you do to me? I'll try to be gentle but don't count on it.” Dean leaned in to whisper something in Jerry's ear, “you always liked the rough stuff.”

“Ohhh bubbe. Let's hurry.”

They practically ran back to the house, and just like always, made love until Jerry was spent. He was satisfied beyond words. Dean was something else when it came to satisfying whoever he took to bed but Jerry thought he took more pleasure in making sure he was happy. He didn’t fail. Whatever he wanted, Dean gave him, whenever he was ready for round two, Jerry was met with an even more willing partner, even if Dean had started to fall asleep, all Jerry had to do was nibble his ear or rut against him and Dean was there, ready to do to him whatever he asked and some of the things were rather kinky but Dean obliged him, making him come more times than he could count, and finally when his body could take no more, fell asleep on Dean's shoulder.

~~

“Wake up you little maniac.”

Jerry was awakened by a big Italian pressing down on top of him, but always taking care not to crush him. “Good morning my beautiful Adonis. You want somethin, mmm?”

“Just lookin at my cute little partner.”

“Oh bubbe, you think I'm still cute?”

“Sure are”

“You’re the best in the whole world.”

“I think we must be crazy.”

“Crazy bout each other.”

“Yea that,” Dean said as he wrapped his arms around Jerry and squeezed. “How you feelin, sweetheart?”

“Wonderful, just wonderful.”

“I’m glad, so glad.” Dean kissed his face and ran his hands through his short cropped hair, loving how incredibly cute he was.

“Bubbe, you know what?”

“What, baby,” Dean said as he kissed his forehead.

“I haven’t even thought about what happened or had any nightmares. I mean, it’s only been one day, but ever since it all happened, I’ve thought about nothing else and no I’m not”

“That’s what I want to hear. Everything’s gonna be ok, I promise. No matter what. Believe that.”

“I do. I really do.”

Dean feels Jerry's fingers, baby soft, playing with the hair at his temple. Dean brings his hand up to cover Jerry’s, not to stop him, but to encourage him. “I always love when you play with my hair.”

“You pretended not to in front of a crowd.”

“I gotta image to uphold”

“You sure did that, but I knew you liked it, my big beautiful Italian.”

“Cmon let’s go get somethin to eat.” Dean looked at Jerry with heavy lidded eyes, almost purring at him.

“Sounds like heaven,” Jerry replied, before wrapping his arms around Dean's neck and kissing him passionately. “I love you…I just love you so much.”

“I love you too, my baby.”

~~

Benny stepped out into the dimly lit street, finally free. Jerry did what he was told, good boy, he thinks, but then, his mind raced with vengeful thoughts, like a burning desire to send Jerry to his death. His thoughts scramble to do the right thing, just leave the both of them alone or take action? He should have killed him while he had the chance and then Dean wouldn’t have had him. How could he be devoted to a dead man? The thrill of vengeance was quickly igniting a fire in him, overshadowing any remorse that he should have. He envisioned the moment when he would finally regain power and control and that it would somehow justify the pain he had endured. His plan was quickly taking shape in his mind, overshadowing what he knew was the right thing to do…..

~~

“Get up, sleepyhead” Dean kissed Jerry’s cheek as he stretched his long body, slowly opening his eyes to sunshine, and his beautiful partner staring down at him.

Jerry looked around, momentarily confused, until he remembered where he was.

“Hello, there.” Gee, what time is it?”

“Let’s just say we missed lunch, again...”

Jerry laughed, “Are you joking?”

“Nope, slept right through it.”

“We expend a lot of energy at night, bubbe”

Dean kissed him, “mmm, sure do”

Jerry captured his face and kissed him deeply. “Let’s not let it end.”

“I won’t let it”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“I love you, Paul”

“I’m glad…. because I’m bonkers about you.”

One hour turned into two and pretty soon the sun hid from them behind the vast pacific.
~~

Dean, dressed in only shorts and t-shirt, walked out onto the porch to join his partner, who had already stretched his long legs out onto the railing, head back, hands folded in front of him.

“It was delicious bubbe.”

“It’s only one of a couple things I know how to cook.”

“Well I’ve had both and they’re delicious.”

“Always so complimentary, this boy.”

“…and truthful too.”

Dean sat beside him and stretched his legs out beside Jerry’s, enjoying the quiet and solitude, with the sound of the waves crashing ashore down below. The cool breeze blew Dean's curls back from his forehead, enticing him to close his eyes and breath in the fresh salty air.

“You ok, buddy?”

“More than ok. I was just thinking, I wanna stay here forever. I don’t wanna go back.”

“We gotta pal. We got families, remember.”

“I know…but still. I just wanna be with you. Forever. It’s just so hard to explain. I love working, it’s in my blood, and I love my wife and kids, but…it’s just that when we come to somewhere like this, just me and you, I start to think about how I feel, how you make me feel. And I love it.”

“How is that Jer. How do I make you feel?”

“Special, protected, loved.”

“You don’t feel like that back at home?”

“It’s different. When I’m with you I just think about us, nothing else, at home I have to think about everything else. And I know I’ll think about what happened.”

“You know I’m there if you need me. No matter the time or place or situation, I’ll be right there.”

“You sure are good to me. I don’t deserve you.”

“Most of the time you do, but the occasions that you don’t, well let’s just say I get you back in other ways”

“Yes you sure do.”

Jerry grabbed Dean's hand and held on to it, staring out past the rocks and trees.

“What’s wrong, Jer?”

“I dunno. Just a feelin. I just…..” Jerry turned to Dean, “you think I messed up don’t you?”

“Jerry, what’re you talking about?”

“I let him go. You think he did it. He’s out there somewhere, he promised….” Jerry stopped himself.

Dean eased his hand away from Jerry and sat up in his chair. “Promised? Jerry, did he promise you something in exchange for his freedom?”

“No no I’m just confused is all.” Jerry's heart was pounding in his chest, not knowing where to turn. He lied to Dean and he hated himself for it. He didn’t deserve him.

“Jerry, please don’t keep anything from me. I’ll be with you through it all, I promise. Remember? I’m for you and you’re for me?”

Jerry laughed at the old routine, “Yea I remember.” When he looked at Dean he saw sadness. “Don’t feel sorry for me, please Paul, I couldn’t stand it.”

“It’s not that…it’s just ..I love you, Jer, and I couldn’t stand if something happened to you.”

“Me? I don’t care what happens to me anymore…I just care about you. What did I ever do without you, Paul?”

“You waited on me and I was waitin on you. We weren’t gonna be apart, it’s destiny. Fate. We belong together from the minute we were born. We’re together now and we’ll never be apart again.”

“No matter what, Paul? No matter….” Openly crying, Jerry stood and walked a few paces, turning his back to Dean. A gentle hand slowly turned him around and that was all it took for Jerry to bury his head in Dean's neck, where it belonged.

“This is what we’re here for, to heal. Just heal, Jer. I don’t care about anything else.”

As Dean held him, he prayed for help, “help him, please help him tell me,” he silently prayed, “I swear I’ll protect him, just let him tell me.”

~~~

Benny stumbled out of the bar and fished around for cab money. He’s running low. He’ll go to the bank tomorrow and take out what he’s got left. Meantime, he climbed in the cab, and told the driver the name of his hotel. But first, he thought, he needs some action. He tells the driver the name of a bar at the end of town and lets him out there. Maybe he’ll score and get a free ride back to his room. He walks into the bar, sleazy at best, but it’s what he can afford since he doesn’t have Dean paying for things now. Dean. He should’ve slept with him, but Dean wouldn’t take the plunge. They almost did, then Dean pushed him away, mumbling something about Jerry. Jerry. There’s another one. It’s his fault. Prancing around Dean, being cute and affectionate and Dean falls for it. Why is Jerry special? If he couldn’t get Dean away from Jerry, maybe he’ll get Jerry away from Dean. No, that wouldn’t work. Jerry wouldn’t come anywhere near him and Dean would be right there with him. I’ll get one of them, he promised himself. I’ll get one of them. He walks in the bar and instantly notices a tall, slim, young man, dressed casually, leaning against the bar. He walks up beside him, appraises him, and buys him a drink. They engage in idle chatter, with Benny telling him reminded him of a famous star. With the young man's pale green eyes and shorn hair, he could easily pass for Jerry. Nobody seems to notice as the two walk out the door and to the young man's car together, speeding away together into the night….

~~~

Dean lays back in the beach chair, donning his sunglasses, as his partner kicks at the sand, unearthing little sand crabs and watching them scurry away.

Dean watches him from the safety of his glasses. Tall, thin, but not skinny like before. He was filling out, little muscles where there used to be literal skin and bone, his shoulders even seemed broader. But his face, still boyish, is framed by soft features that radiate his youthful charm and exuberance. His eyes sparkle with mischief as he wreaks havoc on the unsuspecting sand crabs. He sits at the edge of the lapping waves, idly letting sand sift through his fingers, then he looks out to the horizon, his eyes fixed on the vastness. He pulls his legs up and wraps his arms around them and just watches, Dean doesn't know what's in his mind, but he knows something is there, sitting, waiting. This frightened Dean to his core. They had never kept secrets from each other. Dean knows it's true because some of the things Jerry's told him about himself, are things you'd never tell anybody, and as for Dean, he never imagined he could tell another soul about himself, but with Jerry, he could allow himself that pleasure. He could be vulnerable.

They'd been here six days and Dean was starting to feel like Jerry, he never wants to leave. Jerry had been so happy here, so content and as Jerry had told him last night, he'd never felt as safe as he does here with Dean. He has had no nightmares since coming here, always sleeping very close to Dean, either grasping his hand or arm after love making, and falling asleep right away.

Dean closes his eyes and lets the sun work its magic, caressing his face, and warming his soul. He's almost asleep when he hears the tell tale squeak of the chair next to him. He smiles as Jerry lays down beside him. Dean reaches over and rubs his little belly. His hand stills and Jerry intertwines their fingers, and promptly falls asleep.
~
Days on the beach and nights spent sitting and just talking about nothing, about something, about their beginning and when it might end, was how they filled the time. It was like they were getting to know one another all over again,and it was heaven on earth. It could never end, they both agreed, working together, maybe one day, but an end to it all? No, they both echoed together, it wasn't possible, not when two people meant to each other what they meant. It was indescribable and unexplainable, it had to be felt, and only two people knew what it felt like. It'd never be over, they knew that much. Then, one would give the other a look, only meant for them, and they would trot off to bed, completely undressing before falling in beside each other and making love, sometimes gentle and sweet, other times rough and loud, but equally as thrilling.

Dean didn't think he could ever love another living soul like he loved his partner, and the thought of Benny still out there somewhere chilled him. He reached for Jerry in the night whenever the thought entered his mind, longing to tuck him away in his pocket so he couldn't be hurt again. They would have to leave here at some point and Dean began to think the same way Jerry thought, why couldn't they stay here forever, just them. Jerry would be safe and he could have his kid back. Maybe time would stop and Jerry wouldn't ever grow up. Dean knew he needed to stop thinking this way. Jerry was a man and he belonged to Patti, not himself. But until all this is behind them, he’ll treat him like he’s his own, because deep deep down, he was.

~~~

“Hey, c'mon, this way. I think I see some fallen logs up ahead!”

The young man behind had tripped on some vines and was disentangling himself, while trying to keep up with his college roommate. “Hold up! I'm stuck here!” His friend had started back to help him, “Hey, I didn't know this part of northern California was this rugged”

“When you get out of L.A. and San Francisco, it's like anywhere else. It's not likely anybody’d find us here for a good long while, so let's head back to the highway, hmm?”

“Sure, you won't get any argument out of me.” The two boys started back the way they came, through fallen trees and low growing ferns, tall ponderosa pines and oaks blocking the rapidly fading sun. The leader of the two spotted something several yards to their right and decided to investigate.

“Hey, c'mon, I'm getting hungry.”

“Hold on, I see something shiny, could be gold or something.”

“I really don't think so, but ok. Just hurry it up.”

The boy creeps up under a low hanging vine, careful not to get caught in the briars surrounding it. As he approaches the shiny object, he spots something else a little ways down a small hollow to his right. A jacket? Who would be way out here and leave their jacket? He starts down the hill, abruptly stopping as he sees what's before him. His heart raced, a mix of disbelief and horror flooding his senses as he took a hesitant step closer. Panic surged through him as the smell of decay assails his nostrils. He stood frozen, eyes riveted to this poor soul's face, as he grappled with what he'd discovered. He finally turns to run but his friend is right there, feet moving slowly closer to the body. “Oh my God! Oh God!”

“Let's get out of here, now!”

The two of them race across the forest, running blindly through briar patches, fallen limbs and stump holes, falling every few seconds until they reach the main highway and the safety of their car. They drive away, speeding through the fading light into the safety of town, and report the dead body, vowing to never step foot into the woods again.

~~~

“You boys say you didn't touch anything, right?”

“No sir, we didn't. Like I said, I saw something shiny and went to see what it was, but I never picked it up because I saw…the guy. Who is he, do you know?”

“Not yet, he didn't have any identification on him. Just a few dollars stuck in his pocket and a napkin, maybe from a bar. Anyway, that shiny object you saw was a pocket knife. Probably no fingerprints with the rain and all.”

“Gosh I hope you find who did it. He looked awfully young to me.”

“Looks to be in his twenties.”

“Officer, do you know how he died? I just feel so bad for him.”

“There was a lot of trauma. Listen, you boys don't need to hear all this. It's not pretty at all.”

They looked at one another, wanting to know, then again they didn't.. “It'll be in the papers tomorrow anyway.”

“Son, it looked like he was, well he was raped, then stabbed to death.”

The sharp intake of breath let the officer know how unprepared the boys were to hear this inhumane and needless way to die. The boys were told they may call them during their investigation if needed, so they both left and went home, contemplating how precious life really is.

~~

Jerry was asleep, curled up on the couch after watching an old Cary Grant movie, the late news on as Dean got up to grab a beer out of the fridge. Dressed only in pajama pants, he felt the breeze from the open window grow a little brisker and a little cooler. It felt so good but he didn't want Jerry getting cold so he shut it, just leaving the kitchen window open. He carefully sits down at the end of the couch, lifting Jerry's feet to lie on his lap as one big hand encircles Jerry's foot. Dean listens as he hears the weather report, very cool weather for the next few days, then a station break. He lays his head back, idly caressing his sleeping partners ankle and calf. Then he glances up to see the police chief in the town he and Jerry had been going to to get their groceries. A murder? Wow, a small town, hard to believe. They then describe the dead man because nobody has come forth to claim the body, nor has a missing person's report been filed anywhere near the area.

Tall, about six foot one, short, dark hair, pale green eyes, slim build, maybe one hundred thirty five pounds. They could be describing Jerry. Dean quickly got up and flipped the tv off. He paced the floor, reminding himself that Jerry was here, safe, with him. It could have been Jerry, yes it could have, but I wouldn't be here. I'd be in a living hell, Dean thought, a real hell on earth. He couldn't bear to think about it so he stopped himself. Jerry is safe, he's right here, nothing will ever happen to him, not on my watch, but isn't that the trouble? Jerry isn't a child, he won't be on “my watch” much longer. He'll be home with his family and he'll have to fend for himself, away from Dean, away from the only person who loved him the way Jerry needed to be loved. Dean was sure he'd never rest away from Jerry again, not as long as Benny is out there, but Jerry needn't know…that if Dean had his way, Benny wouldn't be out there much longer….

Chapter Text

The police had put out an alert that a man had been found in the woods just north of Redding. A middle aged woman, old before her time, came forward, saying she hadn’t heard from her son in over a month and gave the police a picture of him, praying it wasn't him. It was him, they reported to the grieving woman. They led her into the morgue to identify his body and she broke down in pathetic, heart wrenching, sobs. She was led away by a sympathetic officer, who took her away.

That poor man, they said. He looks almost like Jerry Lewis, they said. Dean flipped the tv off once again in disgust. Jerry was outside on the porch, finally relaxing, finally breathing easy and Dean would be damned if he’d let him feel otherwise. The man on tv said he was 27, Jerry's age and his father had died 7 years ago. It was so chilling how much he was like Jerry. Well, his dad was technically still alive, but that’s about it. Dean didn’t have a good opinion of Jerry's dad because of the way Jerry was treated.

Dean walks quietly outside and stands with his shoulder leaning on the front of the house, just watching him. His cigarette sat smoldering in the ashtray, as Jerry's attention was on some movement in the trees to his right. He raised his slender body up from his reclining position, hands gripping the railing. Dean's attention was piqued as well, but suddenly a tabby cat scurried down the path away from the house, mind on other more important things than the problems of two humans. Jerry laughed and sat back down. Dean came up behind him and laid his hands on his bony shoulders, kneading in the little muscle that he had there.

“Well hi, bubbe. Thought you’d never join me. You been glued to that tv”

Dean reaches down and kisses his head, “I’m sorry about that. Just love watching my boy from a distance.”

“You ain’t gotta say it. It’s the guy they found in the woods not far from here, ain’t it? It bothers you bubbe, that he looks like me?”

“So you know about it?”

“Well sure. I hear the television late at night when you think I’m asleep. I know you’re worried. I always know. Remember? We know when each other is worried about somethin, don't we?. Don’t worry. It’ll be ok, partner.”

“Why do I think you’re the one in control, the one who’s actually protecting me? Huh? You're something else, you know that?”

Jerry closed his eyes, the innocent questions striking a chord within him. If he only knew how much he was protecting him, and just how far he'd go to make sure he was safe.

“Yea I'm somethin, but what?” Jerry takes the comical approach, making a face at Dean and watching his laughter, beautiful and healing, making him feel loved.

“Walk?” Dean points toward the beach.

“You bet”

They walk down the twisting path, then down an old pair of wooden steps and onto the warm sand. Jerry stopped to take his shoes off and roll his pant legs up. Dean followed suit, then continued to their right down the empty beach.

“Say, Paul, I been meaning to ask, where'd you find such a place as this? I mean it's so perfect. We got our own beach, nobody's even around.”

Dean smiled to himself. He'd been wanting to tell Jerry about this place but the opportunity hadn't presented itself. “Its yours.”

Jerry stopped and furrowed his brows, “What exactly do you mean?”

“Well it's ours, me and you,” Dean pointed between the two of them.

“You bought it?” Jerry laughed, “When’d ya do that, bubbe?”

“Oh a few months back. Remember that old fella that owned all those restaurant chains down in San Diego?”

Jerry thought, then it registered, “You mean that fella that always beat you on the golf course?”

“Yes, that one, you little shit,” Dean laughed and put his fingers in Jerry's mouth and pulled him towards him.

“Sorry bubbe,” Jerry feigned innocence.

Dean, taking on a more serious tone, told Jerry the story. “His wife ain't doin so good, and they just aren't able to come here anymore, so he mentioned he was looking to sell. He gave me the key and I flew up here one day to look around. Figured it'd be perfect for us to just getaway, y'know?”

“You bought it for us?”

Dean had gone all shy, as he nodded his head and Jerry's insides were a gooey mess, “You're the best there ever was.” Jerry reached up and lightly touched his lips, quickly igniting the flame that was always smouldering between them, just barely beneath the surface.

Jerry unbuttoned Dean's shirt and let it fall to the ground, running his hands over his bare, warm, hard chest. When he reached up to take Dean's lips, Dean grabbed his hips and pulled him forward, igniting a more present, potent flame. Jerry reached for Dean's belt, making quick work of removing it, as well as his pants. Jerry ground himself against Dean, wanting, needing, the intense friction. When they both gave up and fell to the ground, Jerry took control, lining himself up perfectly with Dean and rutting, watching his partner from atop, doing exactly what he liked until he cried out into the darkness. Reaching down, he kissed him passionately, still rock hard. He reached down and felt Dean, hard again. Jerry made sure Dean was taken care of, loving him completely, the way Jerry knew he liked, whispering what he liked to hear, until he thrust up, coming on Jerry's chest, breathing heavily as if he’d just run a mile.

“My god, boy! What are you doing to me? You’re driving me insane!” Dean said as he reached down and pumped Jerry hard. Jerry was still straddling Dean and it only took a few twists of Dean's bear paw to have Jerry coming all over Dean.

Breathless, Jerry collapsed on top of Dean, with Dean rubbing gentle circles in between his shoulder blades.

“You ok up there, wild boy?”

“I’m wonderful because I love you so much. I just want you to have everything that I can give you. If I could put a child in you, I would, then we’d have something that would be ours alone.”

“Ah Jerry, my beautiful boy. You don’t think I’ve thought of the same thing. It’s just not possible, but there’s a reason it can’t happen. There always is. We just have to trust in it. But what you said about having something that’s all ours and nobody else’s? We do pal, we do. We got this, ain’t nobody ever in my whole life that I’ve loved more than you. We got us. It’s all ours, our memories, our secrets. I'll never share that with anybody else.”

Jerry sat up, and pulled his knees up to his chin, rocking back and forth, clearly struggling with Dean's proclamation. He didn't deserve Dean, he didn't. “I, I think I wanna go home, Paul.”

“Sure, let's go wash ourselves up first, then we'll lay down, decide what we're gonna do tomorrow.”

“Dean?”

Dean looked almost hurt at Jerry's use of his name, “Jer, what is it?”

”I need to go home, back to L.A.”

Dean crawled over to Jerry and hugged him. He held him tight, not wanting to let him go. “I wish you'd tell me what it is, because pal,” Dean let go of Jerry and stood, pulling Jerry with him, “I know you, and there's somethin.”

“I'll be alright. I just need to get back to reality. I wish all this was real, and nobody could ever bother us again.”

“Now what have I told ya? Nobody's ever gonna bother you ever again. I promised you that and I meant it. I'll do whatever it takes.”

“What about you?” Jerry almost said, who's gonna protect you, but his words were lost, guilt overtaking him as he contemplated his actions. Benny promised he'd leave Dean alone but he never promised he'd leave me alone, Jerry thought. Jerry knows how Dean would look at it, he'd see that Jerry didn't trust him and therefore didn't want him anymore. If he only knew! He just wants Dean to be ok. Benny is bad and he'd do anything to have Dean, even if he has to hurt him. Jerry would never allow that, not even if it means there'd be no more of them.

“Jerry, what do you mean?”

“N-nothin, just ramblin. We better get back.”

“Why am I trusting you to know what you're doing?” Dean held Jerry by the shoulders, wondering what was going on in his head. He knew Jerry was in some sort of turmoil and he thinks it's something to do with him not identifying Benny. Why did he let him go? Why? But he cannot push his already fragile partner. He couldn't lose him, not because of a pig like Benny. “I can trust you, I know I can.”

Maybe Benny would just go on, and leave them alone, but Jerry had a feeling that the young man who was found murdered, was meant to be a message, a message from Benny to Jerry. He thought his nightmares were over, but now Jerry thinks the real nightmare had just begun…..His response to Dean was to do the only thing he knew to do when he had nothing to say, and that was to bow his head in shame and walk away.

~~~~

“Morning, partner.”

Jerry looked back at the familiar voice from his place at the table at their production meeting. He smiled, then turned back to study his script. The other members of the cast looked nervously at Dean, then at each other. Dean sat beside his partner, and rehearsals for their upcoming television show began.

They had been back in L.A. for almost a week and this is the first time he'd actually seen him.

Dean shouldered Jerry to get his attention, wanting him to say something, anything, because he was worried. It's all he's done since they'd come back. He knew something was wrong, because he knew Jerry. Jerry looked at him with a little grin, letting him know that at least they were alright.

~~~

A week turned into a month with Jerry becoming more and more scarce. He rarely went out unless it was to rehearsal or something to do with his kids. Dean never knew what he was going to get when he talked on the phone to him, quiet, scared of his own shadow Jerry, or boisterous, almost normal Jerry. He was spending a lot of time with their mutual friend Frank in the absence of his partner because Frank listened and was the only person that knew of their special relationship, and Dean knew Frank would keep it a secret.

“I don't know what to make of it, Frank. He's withdrawn, he won't speak to me. He barely even looks at me. I know him, Frank, and I know something's not right.”

“Dino, have you ever stopped to think that it's something he's going to have to get through on his own?”

“Yes of course I have. He's grown up, but a part of me thinks that he's still that clingy, lonesome boy.

“And an even bigger part of you wants that boy back”

“That's crazy. That would mean I wouldn't want Jerry to grow up and do other things..things that maybe don't involve me. I….”

“See, you told on yourself. No shame in that. It's just life. Things change all the time, people change, they outgrow others.”

“Jerry wouldn't ever outgrow me, he's…..he's kind of mine, I mean he's my responsibility,” Frank looked at Dean like he didn't recognize him

“Oh so you own him, huh?”

“Course not, but it's like that with us.” Frank still looked like he'd grown two heads. Frustrated, Dean blurted it all out, “Ok ok, here goes nothing…we made a pact, I belong to him and he belongs to me, we take care of each other, so I'm responsible for him, ya see?”

Frank shook his head, “Ok, I'm trying to see, but I guess taking into consideration who we're talking about here, it makes sense.”

“Ah don't tease. I'm really worried about him.”

Frank softened towards his pal, “Yeah, I can see you are.” Frank noted Dean's baggy suit jacket and haggard face, he didn't need affirmation from Dean that he hasn't slept or eaten.

Dean looked around the bar, one of Frank's haunts because the owner knew Frank from way back in his New York days. Dean felt at home here and it was nice to have a friend who he could tell his troubles to. “Thanks for listening. I know I sound like a love sick dame but I'm worried about him.”

Frank considered that statement and a thought occurred to him suddenly. “Say Dean, has Jerry got anybody he can tell his troubles to? I mean think about it, you know you can tell me anything and it'll never get out, but who's Jerry talk to?”

Dean looked defeated as he held his head in his hands, “Frank, I've never thought about that. I don't know who he'd tell anything to, well not as life changing as what he's going through now, I mean he's got friends, people he surrounds himself with, don't know if I'd call them friends, not real true friends.”

“Think he'd tell me anything?”

“Well… I don't know Frank. I mean he knows you're a real friend, it's just you've got more in common with me, but he might.”

“Listen Dean, this secret he's got or whatever it is, you know it has something to do with you or else he'd already have told you.”

“It's what I figured but I can't make out what it is.”

“This is where I come in. He won't tell you because he's too close to you. I have a hunch it's about why he let that cat named Benny go free. Benny scared him, Dean, that kid's scared to death and he's alone.”

“He's not alone….”

“Yes he is, in this situation he is. He's protecting you, Dino. Let him do it.”

“But…”

“Listen, I think I know what's going on. Let me talk to him.”

“Sure, sure, but Frank, be easy with him. He's been through so much as it is.”

Frank opened his mouth to say something but the only thing that came out was…”Sure, pallie, sure.”

~~~

“Jerry boy. How ya been, kid?”

“Frankie! Wow, haven't seen you in ages.”

“Your fault, pallie, because I've been around. Hear you've taken to being somewhat of a hermit.”

Jerry's smile disappeared, “Been talking to Dean, I see.”

“Yes I have and I can tell you that he's desperately worried about you.”

“No need of that…I'm fine, thanks to him. He's just about the greatest thing in the whole world, Frankie, I….”

Frank chuckled at his hero worship of Dean, “Why don't you finish telling me about that pal of yours over a drink. My place?”

“Well, I…”

“C'mon, I need to talk to you anyway, and maybe, just maybe you might need somebody besides that hero of yours to talk to.”

Jerry looked as if Frank was a godsend, “Y-Yea, I could use a friend right about now. Frank, what has he told you?”

“Enough to know that I want to help you.”

“Ok , I'll be there. 8:00 ok?”

“Sure, you know the place..and Jerry?”

“Yeah?”

“We're gonna get it all figured out, don't you worry.”

~~

Jerry doesn't know why Frank's been such a good friend to them. Dean,he understood, they had something in common, but me, he thinks, there's nothing remotely about me that Frank would like. He's just glad he took a liking to him.

Jerry pulls up the long drive of Frank's rented home in the Hollywood hills. It wasn't big and sprawling, like his home in palm springs was, but it was still plenty big for the type of people Frank liked to entertain. As soon as one of Frank's men saw Jerry, they rushed to him and guided him to a private entryway around the back of the house. It was a private room that was reserved for his closest friends, complete with bar and pool table, and small kitchen and private office. Frank met him at the door, “Jerry, my boy, c'mon in here and take a load off.”

Jerry shook hands with Frank and sat down on the plush sofa that faced the bar. “I don't think I have a load to take off, been a little lazy.”

“So I hear.”

“You really have been talking to my partner, haven’t you?” A thought occurred to Jerry, had Benny shown his face in town? Fear gripped him, as he sat up and grabbed Frank's jacket. “Frank, how’s he been? He’s ok, ain’t he, I mean nobody’s bothered him…?”

Jerry tried to play it off as a joke, saying, “I mean, you know how lazy that schnook is, he depends on me to do all the work.”

“Yea, he seems fine to me, but why don’t you tell me what you really meant?”

Jerry looked dumbfounded, unable to meet Frank's gaze. “I-I don’t know what you mean, I…”

“Jerry I’m not gonna beat around the bush, did you purposely let that crazed animal go? And what does Dean have to do with it?”

“No! I mean, I just want it to be over!”

“It can’t be over Jerry! Not unless you tell the truth. We can help you but we gotta know, pal!”

Jerry got up and walked away, he didn’t know where he was going, just away, running away like he’s been doing. Dean was always there and now he wasn’t, he couldn’t be, not now. He was in danger. The reality of it all hit Jerry like a ton of bricks. His choices crashed on top of him like the weight of everything he’s held inside of him, not just now, but his whole miserable life. He knows he’s nothing without Dean, Dean made him everything he thought he was. He had no right to do this to him, he was a fool to believe a criminal like Benny would just go away. Oh god, he had even let him take a life, that boy who was so like me, Jerry thought. He turned to Frank, squared his shoulders because he would not break down in front of Frank. He couldn’t, because he’s not Dean and Dean could make him feel better. He knew just what to do.

“I’m scared Frank. He said if I let him go, he’d leave Dean alone so I let him go. He said he had people on the outside that would kill Dean if I told. Frank, I did the right thing didn’t I? I didn’t know what else to do!!”

Frank knows it was hard for Jerry to spill his guts out to him and he knows he must be gentle just like Dean said. He doesn’t want to frighten him but Jerry must know what he’s done is wrong.

“Pal,” Frank says, shaking his head in wonder, “you did what you thought was right, but Jerry, you can’t always think with your heart. Dean can take care of himself.”

“He can’t if he doesn’t know what hit him. I’d rather die than to have Dean hurt, he’s my reason for being here. Don’t you understand?”

“I think so, well as much as an outsider can understand it. You two really are something, side by side, togetherboth and all that jazz.”

“What’ll I do? I’ve messed it all up.”

“Let me think about it, ok? We’ll figure it out.”

Jerry could only nod his head and sit back down. He felt like the failure he was. He knew he wasn’t good enough for Dean, he’s always known it, but had tried to make him proud, tried so very hard, and if he’s totally honest with himself, he cannot fathom why Dean stuck with him, why Dean loved him so much. Maybe it was pity, maybe it was Dean's strong sense of responsibility for the people in his life. Jerry didn’t know, all he knew was that the guilt was eating away at him and Dean deserved better. He knew Frank couldn’t do anything about Benny. He was free. He could do anything he wanted and if he’s the one who killed the boy, then maybe he’d be caught, and put in the electric chair. That would ease Jerry's mind, but it wouldn’t erase his guilt, nothing ever would.

~~~

Jerry navigated the dimly lit streets of Los Angeles, the vibrant nightlife blurred into a haze of lights and shadows. The turmoil within him hasn’t subsided, if anything, it has amplified. But in a way he was relieved that at least somebody else knew. As he sat at a stoplight, contemplating telling Dean the whole story, the car next to him caught his attention, window down, music blaring. Jerry glanced over and his blood drained from his face, his nightmare sitting beside him, staring coldly at him. It was him, the man who would haunt his soul forever. He quickly looked back and gassed his engine, speeding down the wide boulevard, not knowing, not caring where he was headed. He looked over his shoulder and saw the car right behind him. He needed to calm down, the streets were still busy, he wouldn't try anything, he told himself. Jerry slowed his car and gained control of it, but he pulled beside him at the next stoplight. Jerry didn't dare look over, he didn't have to. The coldness of his eyes bored into Jerry like a bullet, but Jerry remained calm. When the light changed, he accelerated his car in a normal manner, with Benny pulling in close behind him. When he turned onto the highway that led to Dean's house, Jerry knew he'd made a mistake… Benny knew where Dean lived and he also knew where Jerry lived. Jerry continued because he didn't know what else to do. The road got narrower as he climbed up into the Hollywood hills, to Dean's house, to safety. A thought made his blood run cold…what if he wasn't here, what if he was putting Dean's family at risk? God, he had to turn around, now. Jerry maneuvered the car to the side of the road, but Benny pulled his car beside Jerry's. Jerry turned sharply, then tried to back up, surprisingly, Benny let him, but when Jerry started back down the highway, he knew why. Looking to his right was a steep, tree lined embankment, Jerry estimated it to be a 40 foot drop. Before he knew what had happened, Benny pulled up even with him, gave him a satisfied smile, and slammed into the driver's side of Jerry's car. Jerry was momentarily stunned, but realizing what was happening, went into fight mode. If he was gonna die, he'd be damned if he wasn't going to fight. He slammed his car into Benny's, momentarily stunning him enough to go full speed down the hilly terrain, but Benny caught up, slamming into the back of Jerry's car. Jerry prayed, for his family but mainly for Dean not to hate him, and lastly he prayed that Dean would be ok, because in his last coherent thought before leaving this earth, Jerry knew, without doubt, that Dean really loved him. His heart swelled with love for the only person he'd ever known to really show him what love was, and Jerry knew, because Dean made him feel it, and he smiled through the tears as Benny gave him one last shove, that sent his car downward, into God knows what, he didn't care, just let it be over with. As his broken body finally came to rest, his whispered “I love you”’was only heard by himself……

Chapter Text

The distant wail of sirens punctuates his mind as Jerry blurs in and out of consciousness. Was he alive? Jerry didn't know. He could only hear the sound of his voice, mingled with other voices. His was the only voice he cared about. There was a woman's voice, maybe Patti's, crying and asking how? Then maybe a doctor, then maybe his dad, then dozens more all mixed together, but his voice stood out, his voice mattered, his voice was authoritative, his voice was everything Jerry ever needed and more. He catches fragments of Dean's voice, filled with urgency and fear, calling his name, pleading for him to hold on. Each time Jerry drifts back into awareness, he feels the warmth of Dean's hand gripping his, a lifeline for Jerry. The sounds of gentle whispers, telling him he's going to be ok, and muffled cries from the others who have gathered, go largely ignored, for Jerry has what he needs, he has the man with the enormous hands, and gentle soul, who will take care of him for the rest of his life. He would be ok. Jerry knows he will.

~~

It's night, Jerry can tell, the outside lights from the hospital's courtyard drift in through the thin material of the curtains in his room. He opens one eye and peers through the slit, he was alone, and he is worried. Was he dead? He starts to move around, trying desperately to get up, but a strong hand stops him. Jerry is eased back down, and the voice that speaks to him is Dean's. Jerry starts to cry, but is picked up and held by him, “Shhhh, it's me. You're ok, Jer, you're ok. Just sleep.”

Jerry cannot speak, but he can feel, and he feels so safe with this man. He trusts him, and then before he knew it, he was asleep, shushed by Dean's voice as he hums a tune to Jerry, not a sad, melancholy tune, but one of their signature songs, complete with their own brand of words. Jerry smiles and falls asleep in his arms. Dean cries silently because he promised him. He promised him, damnit that nobody would ever hurt him again, and look at him. He could have been killed, he could have left me, Dean thought. Never again, he vows, never again! That bastard, he'll get what he deserves, one way or another, he'll get what he deserves!

~~

“Should you be up, darling? You've only been home for a few days. The doctor gave strict orders for you to rest, nothing strenuous.”

“I hardly think walking to the john and back is strenuous, besides I want to call Paul.”

“Now you know he said he'd stop by tonight, just like he has since you've been home.”

“You're right. I just miss him terribly.”

“You two can be inseparable when you're healed, until then Dean's doing the job of both of you.”

“Just don't want him to find another partner.”

“I hope you're joking.”

“Well you never know. I almost lost him once.”

“No darling, you didn't, not even close.”

“It felt like it.”

“Dean would never leave you, get mad at you, yes, not talk to you for days, yes, but you can't lose him, Jerry.”

Jerry laid on his side and thought about what Patti said. He knows Dean loves him, knows it without a doubt. Then why does he feel so guilty?

~~

“Hey partner,” Dean says so gently. Dean caresses his soft hair and sits down beside him.

“Hi, Paul,” Jerry said shyly. “I'm really glad to see you”

Dean smiles, “Well, that's just fine, you made an old man mighty happy.”

Jerry laughs, “You're far from old.”

“With a little dynamo like you, I sure feel like it sometimes.”

“Want me to slow down, I mean, when I'm able to go back to work?”

Dean turns to look at him, “Not a chance, you keep me young, besides, I'd rather it be me you expend that energy on.”

“Wouldn't know how to act with anybody else.”

“Glad we got that settled.

Jerry, as he often did these days, is quiet. Dean knows he wants to ask about the accident’, but he is afraid.

Dean let him have time to himself, even though he wants to encourage him to talk. Dean, too, is quiet these days.

They sit side by side, with Dean's arm behind Jerry on the couch. The TV is on but Jerry's eyes are downcast. Dean can't help but let his arm fall around his shoulders, and Jerry can't help if his head falls onto Dean's chest, carefully concealing his eyes from Dean. All he wants to do is cry, defeated, and let Dean take over, let Dean work his magic. He's the only one who can. They sit quietly, with Jerry's head on Dean's chest, crying silent tears, wanting what, Jerry didn't know. Finally Dean kissed his forehead and told him to rest. Then he was gone.

It continued like that for two weeks, until Dean decided he could not bear it anymore. Not because of Jerry's silence but because of his own guilt. He'd let him down and it was time to do something about it. The police can't find him, they know who did it, thank God Jerry did tell them this time. He'd skipped seeing him for two nights and he'd been a little guilty about it so he calls him just to check in.

“Hello, Paul?”

“Hi buddy.”

“Thought you'd dropped off the face of the Earth.”

“Just busy, Jer. Got big shoes to fill, y'know.”

“Whaddya mean, bubbe?”

“You. Got a new appreciation for my little partner.”

“Oh. You mean me?”

“Who else?”

“Ah bubbe. You ain't gotta say that.”

“Now why would I say it if it weren't true, huh?”

“We… I…I don't know, bubbe. Just wish everything was normal again.”

Dean felt his heart fall. He couldn't stand to see him like this, but it won’t be long, everything is going to be alright for the both of them.

“You don’t worry. I know I’ve let you down, but it’s gonna be alright. This time, I know what has to be done.”

“But Paul, you’ve never let me down. You’re my hero. I just want us to be…us again.”

“Jerry, let me be a heel for once. Don’t put all your trust in me because I’m not God. I can’t be everything!”

“I’m sorry. I just…”

“Jerry, look at me.” Dean wanted to promise him it would be ok, just like he promised him before, but could he promise that? So he just hugged him and kissed his cheek and he was gone.

Driving towards home, Dean made a decision, one that would solve everybody’s problem, but he needed to talk to somebody he trusted besides Jerry. Only one other person filled that requirement…

~~~

Frank Sinatra possessed a certain edge that set him apart from anybody Dean had ever met. He had an ability to navigate situations that would, to most people, seem illegal and impossible. But one thing Frank is….. is a great human being, maybe a little rough around the edges, but that duality is what makes him such a good friend, only to those he chose to like, and thankfully Dean was one of the chosen. Frank could make an act, illegal or not, look like it was the greatest gift in the world. That is his friend Frank, and he needs advice and maybe a bit of protection, which he knows Frank can give him.

“Pal, it’s been awhile. Come on in and take a load off.”

Dean came in and sat with a look that Frank saw as troubled. “I gotta ask you somethin. I gotta do somethin that may put me at risk, but it’s the only way out.”

“Ok. Talk.”

“I’ve got to find him, Frank.”

Frank nodded his head, knowing full well who he was referring to. “I can help you with that…then what?”

“I’ve got to make sure he leaves Jerry alone.”

“I get what you’re saying.” Frank doesn’t feel the need to tell Dean that Jerry has already been to see him, it makes no difference in the outcome. “So what do you need, Dino?”

“Advice. I want to know the best way to go about it?”

“What are you asking, exactly?”

“How can I eliminate him before the police find him? Jerry can’t go through that again. I won’t let him.”

Frank's expression shifted subtlety, revealing a mix of surprise and contemplation. Frank could tell Dean was dealing with the moral implications of his declaration, yet a flicker of resolve had already been ignited within him.

“I’ll help you.” It’s all Frank had to say. Dean's shoulders visibly relaxed, a weight falling off them like a brick.

“Thanks. I have to do it, Frank.” Dean looked at Frank with the desperation of a man who would do anything to protect the one he loved and if that meant ending a life, then he would do it.

Frank saw in Dean what he, himself would want in a friend. Jerry was the luckiest guy in the world.

“When do you want to start?”

“Now. Right now.”

“Say no more.”

~~

Dean knew Frank would come through. Two weeks had passed and Dean had almost given up but when Frank tells you not to worry, he meant it. Late one night, while playing cards and drinking at Frank's, there's a telephone call for Dean. Thinking it's Jerry, he takes the call.

“Dino, it's me. Heard you wanna see me.”

Dean is confused, but the look on Frank's face tells the story. This is his chance….and he will take it.

“I do.”

“Name the place. I'm laying low with all that's happened, they think I did that to Jerry. I didn't, I don't know why Jerry told them I did. Always something with him. Haven't seen any news in the papers of you two. He's ok?”

“Fine. He's laying low too, I guess.”

“You haven't seen him?”

Dean hesitated, not knowing what to say, so he opts for the truth, “No, not lately,” he says simply.

“You change your mind again? I mean, you said you were leaving the act, then all the sudden you wouldn't leave his side, after his ordeal.”

“I couldn't leave him. He needed me,” Dean played along.

“He doesn't need you now?”

Dean hesitated again. “No, not like before.” Dean didn't know if he was telling the truth or not. All he really knows is what has to be done. So he will play the game with Benny.

“That's good to hear.”

Frank hands a piece of paper to Dean with the name of a restaurant north of Big Sur.

Dean names the restaurant and tells Benny to meet him there.

After he hangs up, Dean looks at Frank, “Thank you, Frank. I can't tell you what this is gonna mean to me…and to Jer.”

“When are you meeting him?”

Dean hesitates again, “Tomorrow night. 8:00”

Frank only nods, before going to the bar and pouring himself a drink. “I wish you luck pal, but be careful.”

“I'll be careful.”

“Drink?”

“No, I've got some thinking to do.” Dean walked to the door, prepared to leave. “I need to talk to him.”

“Who?”

“Jerry”

“Call him. But don't tell him anything.”

“No. I'll never do that. It seems like forever since I talked to him. I guess I want to keep him as far away from it as I possibly can.”

“You want to protect him.. nothing wrong with that.”

“Maybe. I'll call him when I get home.”

Frank sensed Dean wanted to talk in private. “I got all the privacy you need here. Nobody will bother you.”

“Thanks, I don't know, I just feel like I need to hear his voice.”

“C'mon.” Franktook Dean to his private office. “Take all the time you need”

After closing the door, Dean dials Jerry's number. After three rings, he picks up.

“Hello… Paul?”

“Hi, buddy, how'd you know it was me?”

“I didn't. I was just hoping it was. Haven't heard from you lately.”

“Just giving you a little time alone, pal, y'know, before you get tired of lookin at me.

“Impossible.”

“That's what I was hoping you'd say.”

Jerry laughed, the same laugh Dean loved. He was healing beautifully. “So, when you coming by to see me, or were you just planning on taking over our act and replacing me?”

“Hmmm,I haven't thought of that but that's not a bad idea. I kinda like Milton Berle, he'd make a …..”

…. Don't you dare!” Jerry laughed. “That kinda hurts”

“You're irreplaceable, pallie.” Dean shifts nervously, drawing deeply on his cigarette, “Say I'll come see you in a couple days, ok? We'll go out somewhere, by ourselves. I kinda miss ya.”

“I miss you too, bubbe.”

“You're ok? No nightmares?”

“I'm fine. I still have them but I've learned to control myself, I get through it.”

Dean doesn't know why that makes him feel a certain way, it just does. He wants to be the one to make everything right, the one who shielded him, but he also wants to be the reason Jerry becomes a man. He can't have both, he knows that but still… he wants what they have, and he doesn't want it to ever end.

“I'll talk to you in a couple days, ok?”

“Sure Paul. Paul? Have they said anything about catching him?”

“No, Jer, they haven't, but they will. Don't you worry about nothin. Nothin at all. I promise he'll be caught.”

“I trust you, Paul. You know I do.”

Dean doesn't know why he was riddled with guilt at that statement, well he does, but Jerry's trust is what scared him. How could he be perfect for him, like he wanted? He couldn't. He just didn't know if he was ready for that day to come, when Jerry is emotionally free of him, when he no longer needed his protection. How would he, himself, react? Maybe he's the one who's emotionally dependent, maybe he's the one who needed to be free from Jerry. Then why did it seem so far away? Why does it seem so unimaginable? And lastly, why was his heart screaming no?

“I know ya do, pal, I know”

After talking to Jerry, Dean was convinced more than ever he was doing the right thing, maybe not morally, but it was something he had to do for his own sanity and Jerry's too, even if it meant he'd be the one with the nightmares. At least, Jerry would be safe, and that's been his job since the day he laid eyes on his beautiful boy. He'd keep that promise to him even if it means his life would never be the same.