Archive of Our Own ^beta

If someone told Kasha yesterday that she’d end up in a changeling brothel to figure out her gender identity, she would have assumed they’d next be selling her a treasure cache in Metrol. For some reason, the latter actually sounded less scary than the former right now.

Kasha glanced around the room from her seat on the bed. This entire place was more extravagant than she expected. She knew this business was upscale—especially when compared to the other inns and businesses in the Dragoneyes district—but she wasn’t expecting such luxury.

The fine pillows and blankets woven from enhanced fabrics, taken from magebred animals. The beautiful paintings that almost certainly were bought from Phiarlan enclaves, hanging on the wine-colored walls. The dark carpet so soft, you could think you were walking on Syranian clouds. To someone who spent most of her life in a monastery, it was almost overwhelming.

The human woman touched a finger to the arrow-shaped pendant around her neck. For some reason, it wasn’t providing much comfort right now. Maybe it was because she was in a new place, about to see someone she’d never met, to talk about something she feared saying aloud. Or maybe it was because she could feel the pendant laying against her chest, the latter so flat that she could masquerade as a table with ease.

She took a shaky breath. Underneath her indigo-and-silver tunic, her heart was beating out of her chest. Why was this so intimidating? Nothing was wrong, she was in no danger. Nobody would judge her if they found out, nobody would take offense.

And yet she felt like she was on the brink of something terrible.

She spent a few minutes performing calming exercises. She recited the works of Keeper Tagor and Keeper Danth, she recounted the names of different types of bows and their various designs and techniques, she even went as far as to retell the story of The Little Couatl Who Could, her favorite bedtime tale when she was a boy.

She winced. “Girl,” she reminded herself. “You’re a girl.” The words felt nice, but they were mangled by how she said them. A voice too deep, a harshness on her throat that grated against her ears. Once upon a time, she wouldn’t have noticed such a thing, but it turns out that the longer you stare into Khyber, the more likely you’ll see a demon.

By the Flame, she couldn’t wait for this appointment to be over.

Soon enough, her prayers were answered. Across the room, the door opened, revealing a woman with light skin, long auburn hair tinged with the occasional streak of scarlet dye, and eyes for whom the difference between iris and pupil was only a slight shade of brown. She wore a red dress that was far too intricate and well-designed for someone in Lower Tavick’s Landing. Kasha wouldn’t have been surprised if it was shiftweave on top of it all.

Kasha was immediately struck by a sense of heartache. Before she could catch the thought, it sprung to life in her head: I wish I could be beautiful like her. She tried to shut it down—that thought always made her feel a little worse—but it was too late. The envy she felt made the hollowness in her chest a little stronger.

The woman headed over to the bed, taking a seat at a comfortable distance from Kasha and facing her. “So, you’re the one that who dealt with my little problem over in Fallen. I have to say, I wasn’t expecting a Flamist to involve herself in my dealings. Nor was I expecting you’d cash in your favor for an appointment. It seems almost out-of-character.”

Kasha glanced aside, turning to a painting of a thorned rose as though it held her full attention. When she spoke, her words were hesitant and stilted. “The Voice’s teachings inspire us to do good. Sometimes that means acting outside of the law.”

“Yes, well, I’m not sure the Watch will agree if they find out it was you who put an entire squad of theirs in Jorasco care.”

Kasha shook her head. “They were corrupt. You weren’t their only victim. And even if you were, it’s my duty to help. I’m not supposed to be choosy about who I protect.”

The woman flashed an amused smile. “Not all of your peers would agree. I’ve met plenty of Flamists who think places like Dragoneyes are a hotbed of corruption and danger.”

“You can just say you’re talking about Archierophant Morr. And regardless, I think the Church as a whole would be better off without people like her. There are plenty who embody our beliefs better…usually outside of Sharn.”

The woman let out a laugh. “This city does bring out the worst in people, true. But we’re not here to discuss religion. So let me introduce myself: I am Velvet, and it’s my pleasure to bring you pleasure.”

Even if Kasha hadn’t felt the heat in her cheeks, she would have known about her blush from the way Velvet snickered. “Relax, I know you’re not here for a partner. You’re here for something else. I can see it in your face.”

Now it was Kasha’s turn to laugh. “Am I that obvious?”

“Something tells me that if you wanted intimacy, you wouldn’t be looking anywhere but my direction.” Velvet’s eyes roamed Kasha briefly, and she could feel her entire body become tense. “You don’t want to be seen. Every time you open your mouth, you act like the words hurt. You’re wearing this baggy tunic and trousers that are clearly meant to de-emphasize your form.”

Kasha shifted uncomfortably, running fingers against the fabric of her trousers. When she spoke, her words were stilted, as if practiced a hundred times over. “I’m a monk. Loose and baggy clothing is necessary for how I fight.”

“Of course. But the real tell is your eyes.”

Kasha blinked. “My…eyes?”

Velvet nodded, and then…she changed. Her physique morphed into a new form. Her skin became a light brown, all while her hair became curly, chin-length, and black. Her irises lightened several shades, but retained its general brown color.

It was like looking in a mirror.

“Your eyes are distant,” Velvet explained, gesturing to her own. They looked the same as Kasha’s now, but there was something different about them. Velvet’s were alive, vibrant—not in color, but in emotion. She looked happy. Meanwhile Kasha had seen her own eyes enough to know how they looked; empty was the word she would’ve used. Devoid of anything and everything.

“You’re carrying something difficult,” Velvet continued. “It could be many things, admittedly, but I’ve had enough clients that I can notice patterns when I see them.” All at once, she returned to her previous form. “How long have you known?”

Kasha crossed her arms over her chest, closing her eyes. “I’m not sure if the answer is ‘all my life’ or ‘since I changed my name three weeks ago’.”

Velvet gave a little nod. “That’s not uncommon. I think most people who come here looking to find themselves always knew, to some degree. They may not have acknowledged it consciously, but it was always there. Sometimes it’s fighting to get out, and sometimes it’s hiding to keep itself safe. But it’s there, and it can’t stay bottled up forever.”

A wry smile crossed Kasha’s lips. “That almost sounds like you’re describing a demon stalking prey. Do you have any advice on killing it?”

“As much as I know you Flamists enjoy fighting them, I’d suggest letting this one go. It’s better in the long run.” Velvet shook her head. “Trust me on this one.”

Kasha opened her eyes, glancing back at Velvet. “Do you have personal experience with this?”

“Not in the same way, but there’s…overlap.” Once again, her form changed, but not into a humanoid this time. Her form became long, lanky, and gray-skinned, with arms that extended far beyond where a human’s would. Her skull expanded, becoming wider and longer in the back, with green, slitted eyes.

She looked alien now, but scholars would say that her technical classification was monstrosity. Kasha always felt it was a rude title, but apparently the difference was based in arcane science. Or maybe that was anti-doppelganger sentiment that snaked its way into academic circles. Who even knows these days.

Velvet raised a hand and looked over it. The digits were all longer than a human’s by far, they were thin and had more joints. She held a neutral expression the whole time. When she spoke, her voice was raspier than before, gravelier. “I grew up here in Sharn. Disguised, of course, without knowing any other shapeshifters personally. I learned quickly the standards of beauty that are popular among humans, and I knew that underneath my false form, I adhered to none of them.”

Velvet clasped her hands together, then returned to the form she introduced herself in. “Living as one thing while knowing you’re another...Some people take to it with ease. I didn’t. I spent my childhood feeling isolated from everyone around me. It was only when I met other doppelgangers and changelings that I started to feel confidence in myself. That’s why I offer services like this. It normalizes my kind to others, and it provides comfort to those who need it, whether like me and not.”

The things Velvet was describing felt too real. There were massive differences, of course, but the similarities hit too close to home. Kasha pinched her arrow-shaped pendant between her fingers, focusing on the feeling of the silver on her skin. “I’ve met other people like me. One of the monks that raised me changed his identity while I was studying with him. Seeing him as a man, and how happy it made him felt so strange.”

“Strange how?”

“I felt sad. At the time, I thought it was because I wished I could be happy being a man the same way he was.” Kasha chuckled. “I was so dumb. I didn’t want to be happy as a man. I just wished I could change like he did—just in the other direction.”

Velvet smirked. “Try not to beat yourself up about it. If you knew everything when you were a young girl, you probably would have been insufferable. Better that you made mistakes like the rest of us.”

That caused a snort from Kasha. “I suppose that’s fair…” She wanted to say more, but she couldn’t help but fixate on what Velvet said. ‘When you were a young girl.’ She didn’t hesitate at all, she just said it. Like it was nothing. Kasha still had trouble with referring to herself that way. A part of her felt like Velvet was humoring her, but the other part felt like someone just handed her a ticket to the Tain Gala; pure elation.

Velvet let the silence sit between them for a few moments before speaking up again. “If it’s alright with you, I know how we should start.”

Cue a sigh. “That makes one of us,” Kasha breathed. She tried for a smile. “What do I do?”

“There are two ways to go about this. Firstly, I could take on a form based on a description you give me. It could be a picture, or a rough verbal outline. Whatever you feel is best. Or…” Velvet tapped her forehead. “I can peer into your mind. With your permission, of course. I can draw out what you want to become from your inner thoughts. Appearance, mannerisms…Everything.”

Kasha nodded, but her expression turned thoughtful. “And…What if I don’t know what I want to become?”

“You might have ideas. Your subconscious likely has feelings on the matter, even if you don’t know them. You would be surprised how much your mind keeps from you.”

“Fair enough.” She bowed her head. “Alright, enter my head. Do whatever you have to.”

“Excellent. Just close your eyes and focus.”

Kasha did as she was told, closing her eyes and dismissing everything around her. It wasn’t easy, but years of meditation taught her how to control her mind. When successful, it was decent at managing dysphoria. When it wasn’t…Well, being alone with your thoughts isn’t always pleasant.

She wasn’t alone for long, of course. Within moments, she could feel a presence in her mind. It’s me, she heard Velvet whisper in the back of her brain. I need you to let me in. I promise, I won’t look into anything you don’t want me to.

She was asking to see Kasha’s most private thoughts like someone else would ask to have a look through one’s bedroom for a book. To Kasha, though, it felt more like being asked for a siege staff that may or may not be used to turn her into a pile of ash.

At least you’ll be very pretty ash, Velvet told her. Kasha tapped a knuckle against her head with a groan. Sorry, but surface-level thoughts are impossible to ignore. I promise, I’ll only ignore everything else that isn’t vital.

Kasha took a breath, held it for a moment, then let it out. Once the air left her mouth, so did the restraints on her mind. Velvet had full access to her thoughts.

It was a weird feeling. Tingly, mostly. And wrong; as it turns out, her brain really did not like being exposed to external forces, and when it felt as though it had been, it started setting off all the mental alarms it could. Kasha had to actively work to keep Velvet from being kicked out of her mind.

Still, she sat in silence as Velvet perused her thoughts. It was hard to keep up with the things Velvet was seeing—the doppelganger was able to find a thought, examine it, then move on to another with a level of mental efficiency that is usually reserved to practiced psions. In contrast, Kasha had trouble keeping up with all the things Velvet was looking at.

That said, she caught a few glimpses. Memories of women she’d always thought she had crushes on, only to realize that her attachment to them was born out of envy rather than attraction. Mental pictures of women in books she read that she always grew so attached to without knowing why. One particular instance where she caught a glimpse of Tyasha d’Phiarlan when Kasha was hunting a monster at a local theatre, where she found herself wishing she could look that beautiful when she reached her own elder years.

There is something to be said about seeing your thoughts laid out like this. Kasha had forgotten about some of these memories, and others she had never pieced together the connection with regarding her nascent identity. It was gratifying in a way, to know that there was hard evidence that backed up her feelings. It was also mortifying to look back on all of those experiences and realize how she managed to completely miss the obvious clues.

After a few hours in Xoriat time (which, in reality, was more like a couple of minutes), she felt Velvet’s presence leave her mind. Kasha opened up her eyes to find Velvet smiling at her.

Velvet then stood up from the bed and walked a few feet away from it, so she was in the center of the room. “I think I have a few ideas,” she explained. “How do you feel about this as a base?” She shifted her form again, matching Kasha’s appearance once more.

But there were a few changes. Her skin looked softer, for one. Her body fat had also slightly shifted, though not to any large degree. Her face had been resculpted here and there. Finally, any and all body hair was gone, which was a sight that felt akin to finding an artifact of Mira Tiron herself. She even had breasts of a humble size.

The form was still recognizable as Kasha’s. The same eyes, the same hair, and her physique was still somewhat recognizable. But the changes were there, and though small, they made a world of difference. This wasn’t the same body she had now. This was one she wanted. Maybe with a few tweaks here and there, but it was a start. It was within reach.

“I…” Kasha’s throat tightened. Her heartbeat picked up once more, not out of fear, but out of something else. She could feel tears start to well up in her eyes, causing her to immediately try wiping them away. “I’m sorry,” she sniffled. “I—I don’t know why I’m doing this.”

Velvet offered her a sympathetic smile. Seeing it in her own face—her true face—with those eyes that felt so alive, it made her longing all the more powerful. Velvet approached Kasha and knelt in front of her. Her future self, here to comfort her present.

“It can be a lot to take in,” Velvet told her. “Seeing this kind of possibility right in front of you can be difficult. But it’s not bad, is it?”

Kasha shook her head. “No. It feels right. And for some reason that scares me. I don’t know why, I’ve fought demons and undead and the Watch and all kinds of other monsters. But this scares me.”

“And why is that?”

Kasha wiped away more tears, then smiled. It was weak, flustered, and tinged with uncertainty, but that smile held all of her hopes. “Because I want it. I wasn’t sure before, but now I know. It’s real. I didn’t know I could want something like that, but now I need it more than anything I’ve ever wanted before.”

Velvet took Kasha’s hand. They were smaller than Kasha’s were now; thinner in the wrist, fingers, and palm. They felt far more delicate, even with the toughness earned by a life of martial arts. “Then it seems we’ve made progress. We still have some time before this appointment ends. Why don’t we continue exploring some changes and see what you want? Then afterwards, I can direct you to a Jorasco clinic that is known for helping people continue their transition.”

“Continue? I haven’t even started yet.”

“A physical change isn’t the beginning of transition; it’s just another part, and one some people don’t even want. It truly starts when you decide to explore who you are, wherever that leads.”

The way she said this reminded Kasha of her mentors back at the monastery. She wondered if one day, she would look back on Velvet’s words with the same reverence as she did texts written by Keepers of the Flame. “Thank you. Seriously, this—this is more than I ever expected. How can I repay you?”

“I think assisting you with your identity is a fair price for your help dealing with the Watch. Now, let’s try a few other things. There are a number of ways you can change your body, and I think I saw some interesting ideas in your mind. Let’s start with this one…”

The rest of the appointment was spent with Velvet showing off different looks for Kasha. Varying lengths and styles for her hair, differences in body shape, and even how she’d look in a few sample outfits, courtesy of some illusion magic and her dress—which, yes, was shiftweave as Kasha suspected.

The appointment ended with Velvet giving Kasha three things: an address for a Jorasco clinic as promised, a few words of luck, and some advice. “There’s a big difference between a typical transition serum and the complete transformation ritual,” Velvet explained. “The latter is instant and more expensive, but is far more customizable. The former takes months, even years, and is based on whatever your ancestors passed down to you, but it’s easily affordable. Most people go for the latter, then start trying out cosmetic transmutation afterward for a little personalization. Do what feels best for you.”

And that was it. Soon enough, Kasha had left Velvet’s and returned to the streets of Dragoneyes. The feelings of fear she had before had dwindled, overshadowed by hope for the future. This was it. If she moved fast enough, she could make it to the Jorasco clinic before they closed for the day. Then she could schedule a proper appointment and remake herself as soon as possible.

There was a long road ahead of her. She was sure it wouldn’t be easy, but neither was fighting monsters, and she dealt with that just fine. Whatever problems may pop up, she would face them with faith, strength, and maybe a bit of spite. In that way, it’s not unlike going up against demons.

She was just about to head back to the inn she was staying at when she noticed a patrol of Watch guards step around the corner. Immediately, one of them drew a wand and pointed it at her. “That’s her! That’s the women who ambushed our men in Fallen! Get her!”

Kasha darted in the opposite direction, all while the Watch chased after her, drawing their halberds and saps. Their wandslinger threw a few bolts of flame in Kasha’s direction, but she dodged it with a smile on her face. Even this couldn’t get her down. After all, she thought to herself, They called me a woman. Clearly I’m doing something right.

It’s all in the small victories, you know?