Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Itoshi Rin was an artist before anything else. He kept his passion for art a secret throughout his childhood, opting to participate in an evening art class that was filled with elderly people so he could practise. 

Despite all of the jobs he had, the one he decided he wanted the most was to become a tattoo artist.
He had always been hesitant about sharing his art, he kept his sketchbooks hidden and left his dreams unspoken. 

He earned money by working at various gyms, which consisted of him sketching muscular men and gym equipment as opposed to working out or getting accustomed to the job he was supposed to be doing. He had been diligently working on his portfolio whilst juggling school and work until he graduated.
Attempting to find a tattoo parlour that would be willing to take him as an apprentice quickly became a laborious task. He was frustrated, he was tired, he had been rejected over a hundred times, the gory, horror inspired art Rin bought to their tables was never well received. They tried to be polite, they gave him advice, told him to expand his portfolio to include art people would actually want on their bodies.

Other shops wanted to hire him because he was 'pretty' and handsome enough to model so he could stand at the front like a mascot and reel customers in. Ultimately, he ended up spending almost two years expanding his portfolio and travelling with the money he earned from working at gyms and bars, only to end up in a tiny town where tattoo shops were sparse and the night life was obscurely vivid. 

On the night he arrived he made the executive decision to stay at a hotel; he never was close with his parents, it only got worse after he revealed his passion for art.

He was closer with his brother despite the silence that slowly began filling the air when they were together.

Itoshi Sae was already successful, he was a rich, famous model; Rin could barely go into any store without seeing his brothers face advertising a new perfume, sunglasses or swimwear. The astringent taste of solitude sat in Rin's mouth everyday except the arbitrary two days a year Sae made an effort to stop working. 

That night, he stumbled upon water in a draught.

He opened the door to the only tattoo shop in the entire area and a familiar chime highlighted his arrival. It was late, this was his last stop before heading back to the hotel, and there was no one at the front desk so he rung the bell a few times.

After the third ring he heard voices echoing from the back of the shop.

"Fucking shit, the doors supposed to be locked."

"Shidou-kun, you're the one that forgot to lock the doors, thats not very glam."

"Yeah yeah, can you go tell them we are closed?"

"I'm busy. It must be Bachira."

"That's not him, he's finishing his shift at the coffee shop."

Rin was about to ring the bell again but a tall, tanned, and heavily pierced man walked to the front desk. He had long, thick blonde lashes, spikey blond hair with pink tips and a wide smirk formed on his face as soon as he looked at Rin.

"Excuse me." Rin started.

"I didn't know Itoshi Sae had a brother." 

"Sa-" Before Rin could answer, the man was already looking elsewhere.  

"Aryu chan come here! Now now look!"

Another tall guy came to the front desk. He had waist length, black silky hair, beautifully intricate thin tattoos adorning his arms and a few interesting piercings.

"Is this... ?"

"It's not Sae chan, they look so much alike though right?"

Rin was trying not to get frustrated.

"My portfolio. I wanna do an apprenticeship here." Rin stated, slamming his portfolio on the table.

The guy with the long, black hair picked up his folder and the other went around the desk to lock the front door and flip the open sign to closed before standing directly in Rin's face.

"You're related to Itoshi Sae right?"

"I'm his younger brother."

"Gimme his number and i'll look at your portfolio."

"No way, just pass my folder back i'm leaving. I would rather die than get an opportunity based on my brother and not my own work."

The last thing he wanted was to get an apprenticeship because he was related to Sae; it diminished his achievements and left a sour taste in his mouth. Everywhere he went, every failure or success was always concealed by Sae. As if Rin only existed as Sae's shadow. He was Sae's brother before he could be himself, even when he looked in the mirror all he saw was fragments of Sae before they melded together to form his own reflection. 

"Wait. Shidou kun, you should take a look. Mm, this one is glam." He commented, slipping sheets of Rin's approved work onto the desk to present to Shidou.

Before either of them could reply, the door unlocked and a smaller, younger looking man walked in. The underside of his hair was dyed a vibrant yellow, cut short and choppy.

"Ryu chan, Aryu, he's hot, is that, what's his name? He totally looks like that guy you're crushing on. " He said, re-locking the door after he entered.

"Its his little brother, he's hot too right?"

"I think he's way hotter."

"Stop talking about me like i'm not fucking here." Rin folded his arms, sighing at the lax manner of the trio. 

"Hey hey, what's your name?" Bachira approached Rin with his hand out, only to be brushed off.

"Itoshi Rin."

"I'm Bachira Meguru, that's Shidou Ryusei", he pointed at the blonde, "and that's Aryu Jyubei", he finished pointing at the long haired male.

"Guys." Shidou began addressing the other two, "I'll hire him if I get Sae chans number."

"I'm not giving it to you." Rin rolled his eyes. 

"Please RinRin!"

"You want his number more than I want an apprenticeship."

"You still want this, all it takes is his number."

Rin hoped his internal desperation could not be seen externally as Shidou's perpetual negotiating begun wearing him down.

"He will just block you. I don't care, I just refuse to take this opportunity if it ends up being because of my shitty older brother." Rin mumbled.

"How much d'you wanna bet I can get a date in less than a month?" Shidou asked, ignoring Rin's comment.

Bachira and Aryu each threw a single coin onto the space in front of Shidou.

"Thats even less than last time, you guys never believe in my charisma." Shidou pouted.

"Itoshi Sae is a model, everyone thinks he's hot and everyone wants to date him.  You've been talking about Sae for months and you failed to get his number THREE times. He's clearly not interested in going on a date with a freak like you."

"He came back to the bar twice during my shift, he HAS to be into me at least a little."

"Not this again. Rin chan is so much cuter anyway." Bachira added.

"Where's your boyfriend?" Shidou asked abruptly. 

"He's at work! I'm just saying. He's cute."

Shidou pulled out his phone, handing it to Rin expectantly before taking his portfolio from Aryu. Rin watched as Shidou flicked through the pages Aryu already separated, he watched them whisper to each other for a few minutes and flick through the pages. Rin overheard their conversations about Sae, that they had met in some capacity before. With reluctance, he wrote Sae's number into Shidou's phone 

"Rin chan", Shidou called over, "put your number in too so I can contact you. Regarding your portfolio, I like your style, it's unique. Art like this is so much more fun than the boring stuff they want you to have in your portfolio everywhere else. Honestly, no one has ever asked to work here before so i'm winging it! Got any special skills?"

Rin knew he came far, he knew there was almost five years worth of work in that thick folder, he knew one day it would get him to where he wanted to be, but it felt relieving hearing it in person.

"I'm fluent in English." Rin stated. 

"YOU'RE HIRED!" Shidou shouted, clapping his hands together.

Rin just rolled his eyes and opened up his chat with Sae, their last exchange from almost a year ago. He failed to pay attention to the fact he had not texted Sae in a significant amount of time, because as time passed, they became more distant than they let on. They were slowly becoming strangers and it forced Rin to feel abandoned, but Sae never understood. He just said 'i'm working Rin', or 'i'll see you next time Rin.'
Work was always more important than him, they would spend a day together and then he wouldn't see Sae for months. After a while, he stopped trying so hard to spend time with his brother and immersed himself in his art.

As he stood with their chat open, Rin contemplated his next words.

'Hey nii chan I gave some random guy your number.'

'Hey nii chan, I sold off your number so I could get an unpaid job.'

'Nii chan, I know it's been a year but-'

Instead, Rin tried to be more casual, settlling on:

RIN

I gave some guy at my workplace your number. Don't be mad.

Sae responded immediately.

SAE

Rin. It's been a while.

RIN

Nii chan, I missed you.

SAE

Not enough to message me in over a year. I'm offended you gave my number to one of your shitty bald coworkers. I told you not to give it to any of those persistent ugly old men at the gym. 

RIN

It's a new job I got today.

SAE

You didn't tell me you left your old job. 

RIN

It wasn't important. 

SAE 

If you say so. Who's this guy then?

RIN

Shidou Ryusei.

Rin awkwardly took a photo of Shidou who was not focusing on him as he was still browsing through Rin's portfolio and he sent the image to Sae.

RIN

*Image Sent*

SAE 

Ah.. 

RIN

What? 

SAE 

I recognise him, that's all. 

RIN

You two seriously know each other? 

SAE

Send me the address of your workplace. I'm off tomorrow.

RIN

 You're never off.

SAE

I have this week off. The address.

RIN

Why didn't you tell me you wasn't working this week?

SAE

It slipped my mind.

RIN

Right. 

SAE

The address, Rin.

RIN

You're not just coming to see that guy are you?

*Address*

SAE 

You work at a tattoo parlour?

RIN

Uh yeah, well its an apprenticeship.

SAE

Tattooing huh.

RIN

Do you... think it was a bad idea?

SAE

Do whatever you want Rin, see you tomorrow.

Rin placed Shidou's phone on the desk, slipping his into his back pocket.

"Rin chan, this stuff is sick! Your art is so gory, this one looks like it's from a movie, It's so detailed. " Bachira beamed, picking out various sheets of Rin's work.

"RinRin, come in tomorrow at like 7am and we will go over every thing, Cool?" 

Rin just hummed, before pointing towards Shidou and asking, " This guy doesn't run this place right?"

"Yup its me. After my grandparents died, my parents wanted to sell their shop, so I said i'll keep it running." Shidou stuck his tongue out without looking up from his phone.

"I'm going home." Rin said, picking up his portfolio and waiting for Bachira to unlock the door.

He hesitated before adding, "thank you, for uh, giving me a chance. I won't mess up."

"See ya tomorrow Rin chan, i'm so glad there's gonna be someone new around here." Bachira waved as he held the door open for Rin. "Wait, Rin chan, did you want me to uh walk you home or something?"

"No thanks."

"Ah okay, bye bye."

Rin was elated, he was ecstatic, he was secretly so excited for the morning. They were an eccentric trio, if it turns out to be terrible he could just quit. but after years, he finally had a chance to further work towards his dream as an artist.

On his first day, Rin arrived at 6:40am, Shidou and Bachira were already inside so he knocked on the glass. He couldn't stop thinking about Sae. 

"Rin chan!" Bachira was the one to unlock the door, pulling Rin into the shop and pulling him over to a box of pre-packaged needles.

"Rin chan, you're early! You were totally right last night, your brother blocked Ryusei kun this morning now he's sulking."

"Typical."

"Are you even interested in piercings? You don't have any. I'm kinda surprised, they'd totally suit you." Bachira observed.

"I don't care about piercings, I just want to focus on tattooing."

"You sound like Aryu, we forced him to get some piercings though." Bachira begun imitating Aryu "these are not glam enough, that placement isn't glam at all."

Shidou placed his arm around Bachira's shoulder before chiming in.

"Rin chan would look good with snakebites and a tongue piercing. They're this guys favourite, his boyfriend hates piercings though."

"He doesn't hate them, he just chooses not to have any."

"Just cheat or breakup if you're gonna flirt with Rin like this everyday."

"I'm not even flirting."

"He's a pushover, you're only dating him because he's your best friend and you couldn't say no."

"And you're single antennae freak."

"Single until I start dating Itoshi Sae."

"You're so delusional."

"I'm free!"

Rin just sighed at their conversation. They were still unfamiliar, but the atmosphere was comfortable.

He observed the sketches and paintings that adorned the walls, the neatly stacked information leaflets on the black marble reception desk, the variety of masks and swords and calligraphy that sat alongside the art, the small memos and appointment dates scattered around. The four walls that would soon become filled with little pieces of Rin too.

The first part of his day was filled with watching Bachira do a few piercings each hour. Hearing him recite the same speech to every customer about piercing aftercare. Shidou on the other hand, had nothing to do that day other than monitor (and annoy) Rin. By the afternoon, the shop was completely empty, there was light music playing in the background alongside the hum of the air conditioning.

When they heard the familiar chime of the door they all looked up to see Itoshi Sae in sunglasses, slacks and a loose fitting pinstripe shirt.

"Nii chan! You actually came." Rin basically ran to the door, leaning down so Sae could pat his head and ruffle his hair.

"I told you I was coming, why are you surprised I showed up?"

"No reason-"

"Sae chan! Its Ryusei, why'd you block me I've been sad all day." Shidou whined as he made his way to Sae at the door. 

"You were messaging me every second, it got annoying so I blocked you." Sae watched as Shidou approached him, removing his sunglasses to rest them on his head so he can look at Shidou properly.

Seeing Shidou through the lens of Rin's blurry picture was not the same as seeing him in person. It was the first time Sae had seen Shidou sober and out of the uniform he wore to bartend. 
He never noticed that Shidou was a few inches taller than him, or his tight, defined muscles. His biceps and abs peeking through his fitted t-shirt, his thick blond lashes and eyeliner that framed his scintillating pink eyes. His wide, cocky grin.

Sae seemed to forget that he thought Shidou was attractive, he also forgot where he had seen Shidou now they were in a different setting.

"Sae ch-"

Sae interrupted Shidou before he could even begin talking.

"I've met you before. I know i've seen you somewhere. I just can't remember."

"You recognise me from the bar."

"The bar.."

"Yknow, the bar only thirty minutes from here, i work there sometimes, we met two months ago."

"You kept giving me free drinks."

"You remember now."

"Barely."

"Well you were already drunk the three times you came in, i'm more surprised you remembered at all."

"Of course I would remember eventually, I wasn't that drunk." Sae frowned.

"Pretty boy wanna get lunch?"

"When?"

"Right now."

"Why should I get lunch with you?"

"I'll pay, theres a place that sells lots of meat its so good, we can go there."

"Hm."

"Lets go, you'll love it, if you don't i'll pick a better place next time."

"Rin, do you want to come?" Sae asked after taking a step towards the door.

"No, I can't just leave nii-chan."

"Fine. We can do something together another day. See you later, Rin." Sae waved before leaving behind Shidou to go and get lunch.

"I guess it's just us Rin chan." Bachira said, turning to see Rin standing with his fists clenched and his jaw tense. Rin was reminded of the reason he never spoke to his brother in the first place. He was stuck with the feeling that Sae never truly wanted to be around him, they would spend an hour together and Rin hated how cold Sae was, how little he spoke to him anymore, but he never articulated those thoughts. He could never ask what happened to their relationship, because be never knew how to bring it up. 
He made excuses for their distance until he was mad, regretful and alone . 

While Rin and Bachira were at work, Shidou and Sae arrived at the small, empty restaurant.

"Sae chan, why'd you agree to go on a date with me?"

"Its not a date, it's just lunch."

"Its a lunch date. Wanna go to my place after?"

"Go to your place for what? Don't you need to go back to work?"

"They'll be fine, besides, I don't really need to be there."

"Yeah?"

"We can have a few drinks, watch a movie if you're interested." Shidou winked.

"I'm guessing you don't actually mean watch a movie."

Sae browsed the menu as Shidou spoke, settling on the shrimp salad with no dressing and a yuzu kombucha. Shidou opted on the meat platter and the same drink as Sae. After they ordered,  Sae rolled his eyes and sighed before staring at Shidou.

"What's your motive?"

"I wanna spend time with you Sae chan. I like you. I think we should date. Are you gonna unblock me?"

"Why would you want to date me?"

"I think you're hot, I also think you're lonely. I liked you from the moment you stepped into the bar."

"I'll watch one movie at your place."

"What's your favourite movie? We'll watch that tonight."

"Taxi Driver."

"I knew you had good taste."

"Yours?"

"A Clockwork Orange, seen it?"

"No, but i've probably heard about it somewhere."

"We can watch that tonight too, if you're not busy tomorrow."

"We'll see."

Their meals came out and they begun eating, Shidou was talking and Sae was playing in his food. 

"Want a bite Sae chan?" Shidou shoved a fork full of meat towards Sae, who accepted, watching Shidou gleam as he began chewing, pushing his bowl of salad towards Shidou. 

"I won't try it unless you feed me." Shidou sat with his mouth open as Sae constructed a bite of salad and fed him. 

"Its so good Sae chan, it would be better with more meat, you're gonna be hungry after that."

"I won't be hungry just because I don't have a plate full of protein."

"The leaves will evaporate before you even get up, unlike meat. Want more?" Shidou pushed more meat towards Sae's face and watched with satisfaction as he accepted. 

"The meat is better right? Right?"

"It's alright, needs vegetables for balance."

"Sae chan, what made you start modelling? You haven't done an interview since you were young, theres barely anything about you online I done my research."

"I was scouted at 13 and got to leave home and travel around the world just because people think I'm good looking. I prefer sports."

"That sounds lonely."

"Lonely? It gets boring and repetitive most of the time. It's never lonely especially not during fashion week. The worst time of the year."

"Maybe it's only boring because you have no friends."

"I don't need friends to do my job."

"You don't need them but it makes everything easier, it's more fun with a familiar face." Shidou had finished his food. Now watching Sae pick at the last bits of his salad, twirling his fingers in the strands of hair in his face.

"You could model if you didn't have all those piercings and tattoos." Sae pointed at him with his empty fork.

"Nah modelling isn't for me."

"Why not? It's not that hard."

"All the hours i'll be spending in front of a camera could be spent getting more clients and sketching and tattooing." Shidou leaned in closer, "Are you lonely, Sae chan?"

"I am alone, not lonely."

"You were alone at the bar too. I never got a chance to ask you why someone so handsome was alone at a bar at 3am."

"I needed a drink."

"Three days in a row, around 3am you needed a drink? You totally wanted to see me."

"Why would I go to a bar for the guy serving me drinks? I was clearly there for the alcohol."

"Liar, you were totally hitting on me."

"If I knew asking for a drink would classify as hitting on you I would've stayed silent."

Shidou laughed, "You're funny Sae chan. Wanna go on another date tomorrow?"

"I'm ready to go now." Sae placed his fork down, dismissing Shidou's last question and checking his watch.

Shidou payed for their food and they slowly made their way towards his house. Walking, chatting, Shidou prodding into Sae's life and trying to get him to sleepover.

For two people that had just met they were abnormally placid around each other. Shidou was easy to talk to, he was open, he was conversational and he listened to every word that came out of Sae's mouth. He laughed at Sae's sarcastic remarks and somehow never got offended by his cold mannerisms. 

He was attentive, carefree in his way of speaking yet careful with the words he saved for Sae.

He made Sae smile, even pushing out a small laugh. A man he just met made him not want to go home that night, it made him want to cling onto this flittering feeling for longer.

The warm smile Sae saw from across the bar, that grin, the thick eyeliner around his gemstone eyes. The expressive, pink orbs Sae couldn't tear his eyes away from in his inebriated state. 

The message Sae received from Rin pushed him to accept Shidou's lunch proposal. In a completely random city, somehow, his little brother ended up working with the one guy to ever catch his eye. Sae didn't believe in fate or coincidences but he also didn't have any reasonable explanation.

Shidou kept asking him to stay, Sae kept saying he was leaving soon. Just another hour, Sae would say to himself as he sat on Shidou's couch watching another movie.
He postponed leaving until they were three movies in, it was pitch black outside and Sae was fast asleep; his head lay on Shidou's shoulder, their bodies close, their limbs intimately intertwined. The practised comfortability of a married couple, dissimilar of strangers. Tonight, he found himself relaxed enough to fall asleep in someone else's space.

Sae's heart was asunder.

He knew if he went home, to his empty house, to his silent room, he would miss this feeling more than anything.

Chapter Text

The last thing Sae remembered was sitting on Shidou’s couch watching a random, boring movie. He expected to wake up at home, but he awoke in someone else’s clothes, in someone else’s bed, a warm, foreign arm wrapped around his waist.

He glanced at Shidou beside him, analysing his face. More specifically, the collection of jewellery decorating his face, the anti- eyebrow piercing situated under his right eye, his shark bite and labret piercings adorning his bottom lip alongside the plethora of piercings embellishing both of his ears, counting 8 on the left and 10 on the right. He watched Shidou's long, wispy eyelashes sitting on his cheeks as he slept, observing how different, how much calmer and almost sweet he looked without his signature thick eyeliner,  over-gelled hair and indecorous attitude.

Sae was so lost in his thoughts, finally tearing his eyes away from Shidou to scan the unfamiliar room mentally searching for his own clothes. He was so preoccupied Shidou's movements behind him went unnoticed.

“G’morning my sleeping beauty.” Shidou whispered in Sae’s ear.

“Why didn't you just leave me on the couch?”

“Sex is better in bed.”

“Is it.”

“Sex with you is the best anywhere.”

“Your balls will go blue and drop off before you get to sleep with me you horny demon."

"Horny demon? Wait I kinda like that, those words sound so good rolling off your tongue. Say it again."

"Horny demon."

"Mmm mhm. You really are perfect for me."

"Whatever."

"I can't wait to draw you nude."

"Huh? Don't be weird."

"Its not weird its art! We'll sit by the beach and i'll paint you, nude, semi nude, maybe just shirtless." Shidou winked and licked his lips seductively before pulling Sae closer.

"I live right next to the beach, I guess I wouldn't mind." Sae responded, unconsciously leaning into Shidou's touch, letting their hands stay intertwined for a few minutes before slapping Shidou's other roaming hand away. Sae was busy thinking of the cool, sea breeze and the comforting sound of seagulls, the flutter of their wings, the ebb and flow of the waves and the coarse, grainy sand. Shidou was thinking of Sae's thighs.

"Its a date!"

"It's not a date."

"I know you're into me."

"Prove i'm into you and i'll go out with you."

"We held hands, we slept together. Thats enough proof right?"

"Wrong. That doesn't mean anything. I'm leaving."

“You make me wanna EXPLODE! My ideas just flow when you're on my mind, I feel so free when i'm around you! I want to encapsulate and immortalise this feeling, I wanna be with you forever."

"Hmph."

"Before you go, Rin chan called last night. He sounded super mad when I answered your phone, you might wanna speak to him or something.”

“You answered my phone. Why?”

“He called at least one hundred times after I picked up, you were not waking up. I promise I tried. He was just worried and wanted to know where you were.”

Sae ran his hands through his messy hair and sighed.

“He would only call that much if you said something to agitate him.”

“I was just teasing him.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Are we still going on another date?”

“Over my dead fucking body. Where did you put my clothes?”

Shidou clung onto Sae as he begun getting out of bed. But Sae slapped his hands away again and pried his arms from around his waist.

Shidou reluctantly pointed towards his closet and let Sae leave so he could admire him from behind.

The way his tshirt was too big, how it revealed his soft, pale skin and willowy body and toned thighs.

"Sae chaann, why don't you just relax and come into work with me? You'll see Rin chan."

"No."

"I'm free this weekend, let's go to the beach on Saturday! Or we could go before my bar shift on Friday."

"I-"

Before Sae could respond, his phone started ringing, it was Rin. Sae turned to Shidou, putting his finger on his lips to tell him to be quiet as he answered.

"Rin."

"Nii chan, you totally ditched me yesterday and that stupid, lukewarm bastard answered your phone last night."

"I didn't ditch you. I never said I was staying, we can do something today."

"Just fucking forget it. You come to my new workplace, ditch me to go on a date and fuck the guy that owns the place. I bet you're still together."

"I'm at home." Sae lied, "stop being such a brat Rin. I didn't fuck anyone, not that what I do is any of your business."

"You always do this."

"Huh?" Sae sighed before asking, "Do what, Rin?"

"Ditch me."

"Its not that big of a deal.  Come to my place tonight, we can have dinner I'll make curry rice."

"You live over an hour away."

"I moved."

"This is what i'm fucking talking about! You never tell me anything. Its like.. Like you don't even think about me." Rin said quietly.

"We'll talk later Rin. See you tonight, or not. It's up to you."

Sae hung up.

"I'm leaving." Sae stated for the third time that morning, placing his sunglasses over his unkempt hair and his phone in his pocket.

"Do I get a goodbye kiss?" Shidou caught Sae off guard and pulled him back onto his bed puckering his lips.

"You're lucky I even told you I was leaving." Sae shoved Shidou out of his way and slammed the front door as he left abruptly.

Rin on the other end, smashed his phone into the wall and gritted his teeth until he received a message from Sae. Rin knew it wasn't an explanation or an apology but still,he picked his cracked phone off the floor to see a single message, an address.

"Fucking shitty older brother." Rin mumbled to himself before putting his shoes on and leaving for work.

Rin thought he knew Sae. His obsessive tendencies, the pout he does when he loses, that glint in his eye when he's interested in something, or in this case, someone.

Rin never understood why, as brothers, they couldn't get along better. Why, one day Sae's warmth dissipated and the heart he reserved for his little brother froze.

Was wanting to spend time with his brother more often so bad?
Or was he just doomed to being a burden? 

Rin knew Sae still loved him, but he didn't know if Sae had ever liked him.

Their birthdays spent together in silence, once Rin asked all of the questions he could think of, the stifling stillness would set in once again.

Rin never felt enough around Sae.

He felt ashamed around Sae. 

He felt like a curse around Sae, like his existence was the ultimate sign of bad luck. 

As Rin arrived at work, he prepared himself mentally before opening the door. He expected Bachira or Shidou to greet him, but Bachira was busy talking to a guy Rin had never seen in the shop before and Shidou was no where to be seen despite his shift starting an hour ago.

"Isagi, don't you have to go now?" Bachira said, standing close, petting his head. 

"Meguru, i'm gonna miss you."

"Its only a few hours today silly, what do you wanna eat tonight?"

"I dunno, but I don't wanna cook, let's talk about it later. I gotta go."

"We should play rock paper scissors to decide on the way home! Just in case we need to go to the store, yeah?" Bachira kissed Isagi on the cheek as he saw Rin approaching.

"Hey hi Rin chan, this is my boyfriend!"

Isagi bowed, "it's nice to meet you, i'm Isagi Yoichi."

"Itoshi Rin." He said as he brushed past Isagi without a second glance.

Isagi turned to stare at Rin walking away as a feeling he would definitely just pass off as irritation begun rising in his chest. Before Isagi could say anything else to Rin, Bachira patted him on the back and they continued to leave and kiss each other goodbye.

As Isagi left, Shidou arrived almost synonymously opting to smoke as opposed to going straight inside.

Shidou emptied the last two cigarettes of his pack into his palm, placing one into his mouth and handing the remaining one to Bachira, both of them leaning in as Shidou ignited the lighter.

"I can't believe you're late. You were supposed to be here an HOUR ago!" Bachira pouted playfully before taking a pull of his cigarette.

"Sorry sorry."

"Are you late because of Saee?" Bachira teased.

"I actually am, we stayed up all night."

"Ooo. Naughty."

"We just slept, but next time, i'll definitely have a steamy story to tell. "

"I'm holding you to it, Sae is kinda hot and its not like i'm gonna get anywhere with Rin chan."

"He agreed to date me."

"WHAT? YOU'RE DATING?!"

"SHH. We arent YET. BUT. He said he would go out with me if I prove he's into me."

"How're you gonna do that? That's no fun."

"I love a guy that challenges me! I took a picture to memorialise our night together he's even more beautiful asleep."

"Lemme see. "

"My eyes only!"

"When's the second date?"

"I dunno. I think he agreed to go to the beach with me though."

"The beach, thats so romantic! He's definitely into you, I bet you're gonna be dating by next week. We should celebrate and get drunk!"

"Yeah! Let's celebrate! And eat lots of meat!"

As they continued talking outside the door, Rin was getting ready to start running his errands.

The shop was never busy, their clients mostly booking appointments during the evening, while the day was filled with piercings and answering the phone to schedule appointments or to answer any follow up questions.

Rin, as an apprentice, was now in charge of doing the odd jobs, he polished, he dusted and he cleaned their personal and general areas. He was told the shop should customarily be left in an immaculate state the night prior so they don't have to clean in the morning.

Other than cleaning, Bachira was supposed to be teaching him how to begin the sterilisation process for the equipment but they hadn't gotten around to it before the end of the day. Rin was grateful he was able to spend such a large quantity of his time sketching and focusing on the development of his art while in the studio. They all had their own areas dedicated solely to drawing, planning and stencilling.

Unfortunately for Rin, Sae picked him up from work that evening in a black v neck tank, blue jeans with rips at the knees and his signature chunky sunglasses that he used to tap the glass door to get Rin's attention.

Rin always admired Sae's effortlessness. The way he dressed, his composition, how easy he made everything appear. Sae's actions were smooth and fluid, when those exact actions were replicated by Rin they became rigid and awkward.

As Rin said his goodbyes and left, he hoped this dinner would be different, that suddenly it would be the same as when they were kids. When the air was light and they had hope and dreams and goals to achieve and topics to speak about. Rin hoped they were just going through a rough patch, not seeing eye to eye, a misunderstanding that could be resolved with a few words and a hug.

But even as they sat in the car on the way to Sae's house, the emblematic silence continued. The silence that was perpetually broken by Rin, never Sae.

Only when they arrived, did Rin gain the courage to break the silence.

"This is a nice place, its huge and right in front of the beach, why'd you decide to move?"

"It'll do. I moved because I was being stalked." Sae announced casually before throwing his shoes down and walking to the kitchen, Rin not far behind with a plethora of questions.

"Huh? Stalked? Why didn't you say anything? Thats super dangerous! What if something bad happened? You. You're so unbelievable Sae."

"What now Rin? There was nothing you could've done even if I told you."

"So you told our parents you were stalked?"

"I didn't tell anyone."

"Of course you didn't, you don't tell me anything nii chan. Its so frustrating."

"My life is none of your business Rin, we're not friends, you're just my little brother. There's no reason for you to feel frustrated."

"It..." Rin frowned at Sae's words. "It is my business! You're my brother, my family, its just us. Of course I need to know what's going on in your life if you're being STALKED. What if someone broke in and robbed you? What if you got hurt? What if you died or something? That's not important to you?"

"It's not that big of a deal. Sit down, let's eat."

Rin slumped down into one of the four chairs situated around the small table in the kitchen of Sae's scantily decorated place. Sae was busy serving their food, Rin took that time to look around. The walls were bare, painted a lacklustre, ashen grey exacerbating the echo of his large and empty house. A house devoid of life and colour and joy.

The only redeeming factor, the fact it was a beachfront location. Even from the kitchen, Rin could feel the warm, comforting air blowing in from the large, awning windows. He could smell the salty sea, the smell of childhood, a smell clouded by nostalgia.

"Its curry rice and kelp tea, its all I had I need to go shopping."

"Thank you for the food."

"So, where are you staying Rin?"

"Hotel."

"You can stay here, i'm going back to work in a few days and it's already been paid for."

"Don't wanna."

"There's a key for you on the side, take it."

"I'll get my own place. I don't need your pity. "

"Stop being so stubborn."

"Urg."

"I'm gonna be out of the country, i'll call when i'm coming back."

"I try to speak to you and then you're on the next plane out of here, you're constantly running away. You ran away back then and you're running away now!"

"I don't care. There's nothing to talk about and there's nothing to run away from because there's nothing here. You're so tepid, so focused on everyone else that you're allowing your own life to slip through your fingers. The only reason you think I'm running away is because you can't handle change, you've never been able to move on from the past, Rin. If you can't change you'll be stuck here forever, with nothing achieved and no reason to live. I'd rather die than live like that."

Rin dropped his spoon into his bowl of half eaten curry and walked out of the kitchen to put his shoes on. As he opened the door, a small part of him wanted Sae to tell him to come back, to tell him to stay, to tell him he didn't mean all of those words. Instead, he heard the scrape of Sae's chair and the water running from the tap in the kitchen sink as he began washing up their dinner plates. Rin clenched his fists as he saw the key placed on the side adjacent to the entrance, leaving it in its place before slamming the door and heading back to his hotel. He wanted to scream or break something or die as indignation rose in his chest. 

Chapter Text

It was Friday and Shidou still hadn't heard anything from Sae regarding their beach date. He called, texted and pestered Rin for an answer to no avail.

Rin knew Sae was ignoring both of them, he knew Sae thrived in solitude, sticking to his rigid regiment, stuck in his own mind.

Rin knew, yet that morning he still gave Shidou Sae's address. He tried to contact Sae himself and he would've turned up at his house personally but he refrained as to not seem clingy or overbearing.  It had been five days since he saw Sae and he usually responded to Rin's messages within three.

Rin was reluctant, he was worried, yet he was devoid of the right words, the right emotions, the right intentions.

Even if Rin had an anthology of the most enlightening words, he was still the wrong person, his words would still be misconstrued.

He knew he wasn't the one Sae needed. 

He knew he was a reprehensible human being.

He had to fight to be worthy of the vessel he had the misfortune of being born into.

His role as a brother, felt redundant and when he died, he knew his only regret would be Sae. The words he did not posses the courage to convey rotted inside him. He promised himself the next time he saw Sae, he would prove his worth, he would present undeniable evidence of his success, that one day he would overcome his desire to be recognised by his brother.

Rin wanted Sae to choose him over everyone else. He wanted to take precedence over everyone else in Sae's life. He wanted to be the most important, he didn't want someone like Shidou to take his place, to steal Sae's heart and take over his one track mind.

Shidou, on the other hand, was euphoric when Rin gave him Sae's address, he would've kissed Rin if he didn't punch him in the stomach and cause a fight. He ditched his own plans, ending up outside Sae's residence at 9am.

He knocked for three minutes straight; he would've assumed Sae was asleep if he didn't subtly hear music playing on the tv.

"Sae chan! Hello?"

Shidou sat by the door for almost 90 minutes, staring at the sea and letting his hair blow in the wind with his eyes closed, listening to music, letting the sun caress his skin until Sae begrudgingly opened it, scanning the surroundings until his eyes landed on Shidou.

"Yo, lonely boy. You finally decided to open the door." Shidou smirked, taking out his headphones and brushing himself off as he rose.

"What are you the police or something? You're so persistent. You actually sat out here for over an hour?" Sae asked, ushering him in and closing the door.

"I wanted to see you. I knew you would open the door eventually. My last resort was to scream or break in." Shidou shrugged

"That's pathetic. I'm busy. Go home."

"Busy watching shitty TV?"

"Go home."

"Why? At least gimme a drink I was outside for HOURS. Look, i'm even more tanned." Shidou exclaimed, pulling his shorts down to show Sae his tan lines

"Urg." Sae sighed as he stumbled onto his couch knowing Shidou was right behind him, feeling his eyes burning into the back of his head. His cheeks were hot and suddenly the large, open living space became stagnant and suffocating. To Sae, the atmosphere was tense and cumbersome, the awkwardness was palpable as they both sat down; as Sae watched Shidou overtly analysing his uncharacteristically clumsy movements. The way he dragged his feet, how he almost crumbled into the seat leaning on the arm of the sofa for support.

Shidou watched Sae avoid eye contact and pick up the remote control to turn on the sports channel. To buffer the tension, to deter him from asking too many questions.
A fruitless endeavour as he was met with an onslaught of questions under the guise of conversation.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yup."

"Like.. night before drunk or day drinking drunk?"

"It doesn't matter, this is why I left you outside. Wait. Why are you even here? How did you get the address I repeatedly refused to give to you?"

"Rin chan! He told me to see whats up with ya. You've been ignoring us, I just wanna spend time with you gorgeous."

"Drink with me."

"Anything you say baby."

"Don't you have work?"

"Nah, not until my shift at the bar tonight. Wanna have a drink at the bar later? Its jazz night so its gonna be a quiet one."

"Mmm... Not interested."

"What about tomorrow? Still up for the beach?"

Sae ignored Shidou, walking into the kitchen to prepare himself and his uninvited guest a drink.

He had only begun drinking a couple of hours ago, he was just getting tipsy now but after another handful of drinks he would be borderline drunk. It was still the early hours of drinking, the stage where the alcohol begins making everything seem brighter, lighter, funnier.

Sae used to be a casual drinker.

He divulged from an occasional drinker, to the type of person that waited until 7pm to begin drinking, to drinking during the day, to a shot of vodka in his coffee or kombucha in the morning. Even before a shoot.

Sae couldn't remember then the excessive drinking to cope with work began. He loved being in front of the camera, it was all he knew.

Praise for his physique, for his knowledge of how clothes are made, of their fabrics, structure, composition and life cycle. He understood the curation of clothing as a creative process as opposed to a necessity.

He prevailed due to his ability to connect with photographers and directors by bringing their visions to life right in front of their eyes. He had a profound understanding of the fashion world, the art of posing and movement as well as it's translation onto camera.

Sae was so popular because fashion was his field of expertise, he may not have been the easiest to get along with, but his performances were mesmerising; only in front of the camera could he flow, feel free and at ease.

Only in front of the camera did his actions speak louder than his harsh, convoluted words.

He prided himself in his role as a model, he took initiative, he was direct and often guided others into perceiving his more profound execution of their core ideas.

But now, he was no longer young and new. He was established and revered and it was beginning to take a physical toll on his tired, threadbare body. He was still only human after all. 

Sae wanted to advance, he wanted to go further, to do better, achieve more, climb higher, but modelling was all he knew. Being dressed up and paraded around like a doll, maintaining his physique, keeping his skin clear and his diet clean, making similar conversations with a different creative director or photographer or model every shoot was all he knew.

Deep down, he ached for more.

In his pursuit for more, he ended up this small, vibrant beach town that thrived in darkness.

The motels, the vast array of bars on every street, dilapidated buildings and the absence of chain stores made the town appear gauche. But it was Sae's saving grace, the barren beach, his safe haven. The town, a sanctuary away from the mainstream and the ostentatiousness of cities like Tokyo.

"Oi Shidou Ryusei come here."

"Baby, call me Ryusei don't be so formal."

"Don't call me baby. What d'you wanna drink? Coffee?"

"Coffee's good, thanks angel."

Shidou sat at the round table situated in the kitchen and watched Sae prepare the coffee. Four scoops of ground coffee into a large cafetière, filling it to the top with boiling water from the kettle and letting it steep.

Sae placed two large cups onto the table, filling them halfway with Baileys and a splash of whiskey before bringing the coffee over.

"Milk? Sugar?" Sae asked as he poured the fresh coffee into their cups.

"I'm good, thanks Sae chan."

Shidou took his cup from Sae, humming in surprise as he genuinely enjoyed the taste. He scrambled around his large pockets for his pack of cigarettes and lighter.

"Want a cig?"

"You smoke shitty cigarettes. I'll get my own."

"Try em."

Sae presented an ash tray, placing it in the middle of the table, scooting his chair closer to Shidou to share comfortably.

"I dunno why, but I get a good feeling around you Sae chan, from the moment I saw you, I knew we would get along. Ive seen your interviews, I've seen your covers, the shows you've walked, I feel your passion I see you have your own vision. I wanna execute it."

"Execute my vision? Bold. You think you're up to that? I thought you were a tattoo artist you never mentioned being a fashion designer."

"I do both. I just keep my designs private. I saw your show a year ago and I started sewing again. I want you to wear my clothes. I have a small collection tailored just for you."

"What're you getting at? You wanna work with me? Thats so boring. I thought you were more interesting than that Ryusei. I'm not interested."

"Never underestimate the power of my explosions! You know the clothes you wear are never fully suited to you. You know all these shitty sub par designers can never capture your essence. I can."

"Show me." Sae challenged, raising a brow. 

Shidou leaned over, scrolling through his camera roll to show Sae each piece of clothing. Sae was close, practically on Shidou's lap as he watched him scroll, as he zoomed in on the details, mumbling to himself incoherently.

"Ryusei."

"Yeah?"

"Is this the only reason you're here?"

"Nah. I'm only showing you because you're drunk."

Sae laughed at his honesty, he hadn't yet moved away, the light chuckle caressing Shidou's cheek and raising his core temperature. He gulped as he felt Sae's skin on his.

" Your style. The tailoring. I gotta see it and try it on in person but its alright."

"I'm adding that to my list of 'Things Itoshi Sae has done to prove he's in love with me.' Wanna have sex?"

"No."

"Wanna make out?"

"Yeah."

"Wannnaaaa- wait. You said yeah? You wanna kiss? Is it the alcohol? I mean I'm not complaining, i'm a really good kisser. Ive gotten a lotta positive comments about the tongue piercing." He said sticking his tongue out.

Sae poured himself another drink, chugging the room temperature, bitter liquid before responding.

"A lot. Hm." Sae raised one eyebrow before asking an offhanded question, "you also design clothes for a lot of people?"

"Just you. No ones ever inspired me like this. For years I was in a rut with my design ideas, but thanks to you I feel like I can create forever. I sketch everyday now that I don't feel so fucking stifled and unmotivated."

"Hm." Sae hummed, closing the minute gap between them to peck Shidou on the cheek tapping his lap for him to sit on. Shidou complied eagerly, jumping out of his seat and straddling Sae in the chair. The position made their height difference imminent, Sae was almost too short to reach him, holding his neck and gently pulling him down to kiss him properly,  his eyes fluttering closed.

Shidou's hands trailed up Sae's sides to hold his waist, his fingers faintly tracing his soft skin as he deepened their kiss. A shiver ran up Sae's spine as he parted his lips, hands moving to grip the back of Shidou's t-shirt as he felt his tongue piercing in his mouth. The kiss was wet and sloppier than Sae would've liked but his inebriated state inhibited him from caring.

He just wanted more.

Shidou's lips were softer than anticipated, his kisses were precise and passionate Sae couldn't stop a small moan from escaping as their tongues intertwined. The tips of his ears burning as he felt the unfamiliar sensation of the metal of Shidou's piercings on his lips.

Their hearts were beating rapidly, methodically, almost in sync as Shidou's hands grazed Sae's neck landing in his fluffy, auburn hair.

Their restraint further slipping as the kiss progressed.

Until Sae pulled away, flushed and out of breath.

Even after their kiss, Sae could feel Shidou's lips on his, their breath intermingling, their lips almost brushing, threatening to touch again.

He placed his face into the crook of Shidou's neck to hide its deep red hue, to stop him from pressing their lips together once more.

Despite initiating, Sae was embarrassed and more inexperienced than he would ever admit. He spent so many years avoiding intimacy, focusing on his goals as opposed to 'having fun' or sleeping around, that Shidou's chaste, airy touches were the only thing that made him feel human.

Even the first night they spent together, with Shidou's arm around him as he slept, the contact of their skin creating heat, Sae's mind at ease around the other. The time they spent together became a silent, intimate indulgence.

He felt a spark ignite his heart, unlocking a secluded, hidden fragment within; for the first time, he craved the touch and affection of someone else.

Sae assumed the kiss would be boring, typical, monotonous like every other he experienced, he thought, by kissing Shidou he would be able to get over him easier, to finally ignore him once and for all because they weren't as compatible as he originally foresaw.

But to his dismay, he wanted Shidou to keep going, he wanted to go further, but he restrained, pushing Shidou off his lap and re filling their empty mugs with more alcohol, neither of them were coffee people so he discarded the coffee, leaving it to get cold.

"Ryusei, wanna sit on the beach?"

"Y'know, despite living here, i barely sit on the beach. I forgot my sketchbook, you got any pen and paper I can use?"

Sae searched around his living room, handing Shidou an empty, plain sketchbook and a black ink pen before leaving to get changed into a pair of shorts and a light, blue short sleeved shirt to match. Not forgetting his sunglasses, an extra pair for Shidou as well as a large blanket and the half filled bottle of alcohol from the kitchen table.

"Here, sunglasses, its bright today."

Shidou accepted, placing them on top of his head, picking up his cup and following Sae onto the empty beach. Sae threw the blanket onto the sand, creating a divot for the bottle of alcohol and their cups before sitting down.

"Are we gonna talk about the kiss?" Shidou inquired, after ten minutes of silently sketching the scenery.

"Nope." Sae responded, staring at the sea, the sun in his eyes.

"Alright. I'm warmed up, lemme sketch you turn towards me."

He complied, sipping his drink and turning towards Shidou, watching him sketch. His hands flicking with every stroke of the pen, the way he glanced up at Sae periodically before focusing on his paper again.

"Whats your favourite animal?" Shidou asked once he looked up at Sae again.

"Seagull."

"Ahh your a bird guy, i like velociraptors."

"No, i'm a gull guy. Seagulls are the best, but they're actually a species of seabirds and theres a wide variety of gulls all around the world. Not all of them live by the sea so technically the term 'seagull' is incorrect. They have an impressive wingspan and they're migratory birds. I kinda relate, i never like staying in the same place for too long. Gulls are also smart, they can recognise human behaviours, and the faces of people that previously fed them. I love winter because thats when all the gulls are out here."  Sae rambled as Shidou sketched silently, humming and nodding at the facts Sae told him. Before he knew it, he was finished with his sketch.

"Saee chan, look look, i'm done!" Shidou beamed, holding up his realistic portrait of Sae.

"Oh." Sae said, taking the sheet of paper put of Shidou's hands to get a closer look.

People drew Sae all the time, he received DMs and comments of art others drew of him, that he ignored. Sae decided it was because he was drunk, but he couldn't look away from the sketch, he was smiling. A small, subtle smile, a glint in his eye, a perception of himself he had never seen before.

"That means you're impressed right?"

"I am. You're alright at drawing."

"Its just a rough draft but I wanna paint this or just sketch it again with some colour, the sea and the blue sky makes your eyes pop. The beach makes you look so vibrant and alive. I want to be able to capture this moment to the fullest extent."

Sae pointed at the bottom of the paper, "sign here", he said handing it back to Shidou, waiting for his signature before taking the pen, sketchbook and drawing out of Shidou's lap.

"I'm gonna draw you wait." Sae started sketching, an almost invisible smirk on his lips as he turned the paper after ten minutes.

"Hahah!" Shidou burst out laughing at Sae's sketch of Shidou's head on a badly drawn seagull body.

"C'mon angel, you gotta sign this one too." Shidou handed the drawing back, taking a gulp of his drink before edging closer to Sae as he was distracted signing the piece of paper.

"You can't sell my signature or i'll kill you and dump your body in the sea for the gulls to scavenge." Sae threatened lightly, failing to suppress a smile and handing everything back to Shidou except the portrait.

"Play some music Sae chan!"

"I left my phone at home, play it yourself demon."

"I'm gonna play Hide, maybe some Luna Sea, you like em?"

"I dunno."

"Wanna pick some songs?"

"I'm content with what you listen to."

"I can burn a CD of all my favourites, or make you a mix of stuff I think you might like based on your faves."

"I like that better than streaming music online. Its convenient for working out but I prefer having the physical copies of CDs and movies."

"Me too! Sometimes streaming is so shitty like what the fuck do you mean i need WIFI to listen to my music, man its just so fucking stupid."

Shidou was tipsy, side by side with Sae, soaking up the afternoon sun, his phone discarded as he missed at least ten phone calls and tons of messages.

"Sae chan, kiss me again." Shidou pouted.

"You gotta earn another kiss, they're not free."

"Eh? Earn it? What about this morning?"

"That was the free trial. Now you gotta pay or keep your hands to yourself." Sae's actions spoke louder than his empty words as he chose not to move away when Shidou kissed him again. Small pecks on his lips, morphed into small licks and bites on his neck and clavicles.

"Mm, no marks demon I gotta go to work in a few days."

"You're leaving? For how long?" Shidou asked pulling away abruptly, holding Sae at arms length staring into his eyes.

"Four months. Maybe longer. I dunno, I'm gonna be travelling, its busy season soon, hence the morning drinking."

"Four whole months? Promise me you'll answer my calls and texts."

"I can't promise anything, I assume i'm gonna be exceptionally busy for the rest of the year."

"Shit I'm gonna miss you.. Will you let me take you to the airport when you leave? Are you leaving on Monday?"

"My flight is Sunday afternoon, I can just get a taxi to the airport if you have work. You can drop me if you want, I guess i'd like that..."

"Fuck." Shidou's voice became hollow and he tried to suppress his disappointment.

"I really like you, Sae."

"Mm."

"Are- Never mind." Shidou's words were left unsaid and Sae just put his sunglasses on to lay down.

They relaxed on the beach for a few more hours, listening to music and drinking, their time majorly spent in silence, luxuriating in each others company. Relishing the novelty of the new bond they were forming with each other, the experiences they never knew they would come to carnally desiderate in only a few days.

Chapter Text

Sae packed a small suitcase on Saturday afternoon.

He felt internally conflicted, messaging Rin Friday evening after Shidou left for work. He reminded Rin he was leaving and told him to 'keep in contact.'

Sae refused to believe he 'regretted' his time with Shidou, but he felt uncomfortable. The feeling was inconvenient, it festered in his chest and plagued his mind as he packed. He stood in his bedroom wishing he drank more so he could wake up ignorant to events that had previously transpired.

The smell of his cologne, the tickle of his breath in Sae's ear, the softness of his lips.

The unfamiliar intimacy.

Sae believed himself to be an upfront person, but he couldn't confront Shidou, making his way to the airport a day earlier than they arranged.

Sae would rather leave alone than sit in a car with him and say goodbye. He didn't want the uneasy emotions to settle in his stomach before his inevitable, prolonged absence. Sae didn't want his sober words to ruin their drunk experience.

Sae wanted something, someone to come back to for once, he wanted someone to miss him as much as he would miss them. 

3:30pm, Sae had arrived at the airport, sucking in a deep breath before messaging Shidou for the last time.

'Ryusei, I had to leave a day early, see you in a few months.'

Not even ten minutes passed before the onslaught of messages began, Sae briefly checked without responding before putting his phone on airplane mode, covering his eyes with his face mask and tuning into the playlist Shidou made for him.

Back at the shop, Shidou slammed his phone on the table; he was upset and it was now everyones problem.

"Meguruuu! He left me." Shidou whined, slumping into the chair as Bachira waved goodbye to a customer.

"I told you." Rin commented.

"This is the worst day of my life! Someone just kill me."

"Please let me do it." Rin pleaded, smirking as he looked up from his sketchbook at Shidou pretending to cry across from him.

"Ryu chan, the time will pass quicker than you think." Bachira reassured him.

"Not true, I've been dumped already. I thought we got closer, we MADE OUT. I told him about my designs, I even let him look at the pictures  you know I don't show anyone my clothes." Shidou sighed, laying his head on the table as Bachira patted his gel soaked hair.

"Its gonna be alright Ryu chan. He'll come back."

"I would've been FINE if he didn't kiss me. Crushes suck, Sae sucks. I wanna sit on his lap again. I miss him already."

"Aw... i'll kiss you."

"It's not the same... Oh. Megs, Kuro chan is coming back next month, he finally graduated."

"Kurona Ranze?"

"Yeah, y'know-"

"Yeah yeah I can't forget my boyfriends 'best friend'." Bachira huffed.

"You HAVE to get over their kiss Bachira, you guys were broken up at the time."

"It was the DAY we broke up! And I can't believe Isagi hasn't mentioned anything about his precious Kurona yet."

"Kurona chan only messaged me a few hours ago. I say you kiss Rin as payback."

"Stop it, i'm not kissing anyone."

"Yeah not even your boyfriend. Its coz of RinRin right? Youre totally crushing."

"He's RIGHT THERE. Sorry about him Rin chan, ignore him. I gotta go my shift started five minutes ago. Bye bye."

Rin wasn't listening as Bachira waved, picked up his backpack and stormed out for his shift at the coffee shop, leaving Rin and Shidou alone until the shop closed at 5pm.

A slow eight weeks had gone by with no word from Sae at all. Sae failed to answer any of Shidou's calls or texts.

Rin on the other hand, decided not to contact Sae at all, his words harboured no meaning, their conversations were fruitless and thus unworthy of Rin's time.

As the first week went by, Shidou messaged Sae often, told him about his day, asked about his. He even made Sae another playlist, both online and a physical CD.

The second week Shidou decided to check what Sae was doing online, scrolling for hours on pages that updated Sae's work and posted photos and videos from his shoots or general sightings throughout fashion week.

After the first month, he stopped texting as frequently, scrolling through his own onslaught of messages hoping Sae would finally just leave him on read instead of ignoring his entire existence.

And throughout the second month, Shidou gradually decided Sae was being a jerk and he had to stop staring at his phone instead of doing his job .

Only two and a half months passed but Shidou got more upset and impatient each day. He dismantled their interactions to find the flaws in his words or his actions, to try and find the point he crossed the line and became off putting. Maybe it was the clothes or the fact he stole Sae's sunglasses, maybe it was the kiss, maybe it was his crude nature.

Maybe Shidou expected more from Sae than what he had to offer.

Maybe, like Rin, he didn't understand Sae as well as he thought.

Maybe the notion of Sae preceded the real Sae.

After two and a half months, Rin found being around Shidou for more than four hours borderline unbearable, Sae this, Sae that, Sae Sae Sae Sae Sae Sae.

If Sae was the original, Rin was his poorly made, useless clone.

In Rin's world, everyone preferred Sae. Despite his absence, he was always at the forefront of everyones mind. Perfect, pretty Sae. The one person he could never win against, or get the approval of. The one person that made him feel like a complete waste of blood and bones and cartilage and tissue. 

For Rin, the past 2.5 months consisted of going to work and searching for a place to live. Sae's absence was nothing new to him, their distance was inevitable. His absence was a challenge Rin had already overcome as he learned to live without his brother and navigate the world in solitude a long time ago.

Rin had other problems.

The beach town was small but the houses were large and expensive.

Bachira shared a house and split his rent with Isagi and Shidou resided in his grandparents house without having to think about living expenses.

Rin was stumped, almost two months into his apprenticeship and he was already rapidly running out of money. He had been applying to jobs but in the past his pay checks were often halved due to getting into fights with other members of the gym or drawing instead of doing the job he was being paid to do.

In some of the gyms he worked at, he received numerous warnings before getting fired, a handful just fired him straight away which looked horrible on his resume and became the sole reason for his plethora of rejections. 

He considered modelling, he thought about it, he had digitals rotting on his laptop waiting to be sent to any agency of his choosing.

Rin even practised in his free time, looking at reference photos for poses, taking pictures, finding out his best angles, experimenting with different hairstyles and clothing styles.

But modelling felt like defeat, it felt like admitting Sae was right from the start. When Sae patted his head and lightly told him off for playing too aggressively and not taking good care of his body. Or when Sae taught him about skincare and gave him small presents from brands he had worked with like all the clothes he refused to wear.

Rin assumed he was too old to model now, at 23 his career should've began ten years ago when he was still young and impressionable, when he still thought that lifestyle could be applicable to him. Before he fell in love with the earthly escape that was horror and art.

As time progressed, Rin found out Bachira and Shidou could be bearable at times. Aryu mostly kept them in check but he had been gone for a whole month already leaving Rin to deal with the chaotic pair.

"Rin chan drink with me. Come to my place I wanna get so wasted."

"Fuck off and die."

"I told you i'm closing the shop for a week, right?"

"You sent a message and an email and you put a memo on the desk."

"Oh yeah! Haha."

"Tch."

"Rin chaan, i'm so sad everyday." Shidou complained, sitting closer to Rin.

"I don't care. Just leave me alone for once."

"He said I could drop him to the airport, I planned to give him an outfit as a gift and we would arrive and we would make-out before he left and he would tell me how much he loves me and that he'll miss me.. We were supposed to be contacting each other everyday but he's been ignoring me for months."

"Oh my god. Shut the fuck up you cockroach."

"C'mon RinRin he's your brother hear me out, i'm super bummed. What if I just kill myself."

"I still don't give a fuck and I refuse to talk about shitty Sae. Leave. Me. Alone."

"You're such a killjoy under lashes. You're boring and you have no life and no fucking friends because you'd rather sit in silence and ignore everyone just like your older brother. "

"And you're a pathetic loser obsessed with a guy that clearly wants nothing to do with you. I'm perfectly fine being boring, I don't need friends."

"You need friends. Come to my place tomorrow. Kurona chan's finally back in town and we're making edibles, drinking, watching some movies and i'll order pizza or something. Bachira and Isagi are coming too of course."

"Not interested."

"Because you're uptight about drugs or because you're an emo loser and you hate the world?"

"Urg. Whatever, i'll come if it'll shut you up. I've been listening to you all fucking day."

"Fuck yeah! Bachira's gonna be soo happy. He begged me to invite you. To be honest that was before he found out Kurona chan and Isagi were coming... Its gonna be FUN! I wish Aryu chan could come."

"Fun. Right." Rin rolled his eyes

"What about tonight? Wanna hang out tonight? We can smoke weed and sit in fucking silence and you can just be boring and sketch."

"Ask your friends."

"They're all busy and I don't wanna be alone."

"You're so pathetic. I'm only hanging out with you because I work for you."

"Don't be like that we totally have bestie potential if you ignore how often we fight."

"That's bullshit, i'd rather die than be friends with a freak like you."

"Thats the spirit!"

Before their conversation could progress, or a fight could ensue, Bachira burst in.

"They're OVERSTAFFED and told me to go home. Bye bye money, hello homelessness."

Bachira sighed, throwing his backpack down and closing the door.

"Great! Wanna get high at my place?"

"I'll tell Isagi, I think he's seeing Kurona and one of his friends tonight so he won't be home anyway. Rin chan are you coming?"

"Unfortunately."

"It only took ten whole weeks for you to agree to do something with us. Ryuu chaan... Lets go now!"

"We still have an hour."

"Booo you're the owner you can close this place whenever you want!"

"Oh yeah!"

They ended up heading to Shidou's house, closing the store an hour before the designated time.

When they arrived Bachira threw himself on the sofa, while Rin took notice of the interior, an intriguing, confusing amalgamation of traditional Japanese architecture and modern interior design. Zebra and leopard print cushion covers, a wide screen TV next to a shoji screen, his grandparents calligraphy and art next to anime sketches and music posters. Not forgetting Shidou's extensive collection of physical media, CDs, vinyls and manga shoved into every crevice. The once traditional house was now bursting with Shidou's eccentric essence.

Bachira sat closest to Rin, who was sketching on the right side of the sofa as far away from Shidou as possible.

Shidou was busy rolling up and Bachira was struggling to leave Rin alone. Tapping him, asking him what he's sketching, what he's listening to. He half expected Rin to reject every question but he answered briefly, placing his headphones back over his ears after each one.

"Rin chan, have you smoked before? Any other drugs?" Bachira asked as Rin sighed giving up on his music and placing his sketchbook on the floor beside the couch.

"Ketamine. I rarely smoke."

"I know you think we're weird but smoking with us is fun. Relax Rin chan, loosen up." Bachira said, patting Rin on the back and arm.

"Stop touching me."

"Sorry, my bad."

"Let's light it up!" Shidou held up three joints triumphantly while Rin was already regretting his choice to hang out with the duo alone.

They were talkative, loud, touchy and annoying. Half of Rin's time at work was spent avoiding their pranks and telling them to stop running around; much to his dismay, he was becoming accustomed to their chaos.

Despite the aforementioned, Rin frequently felt out of place at work, a heaviness spread through his chest, Sae's replacement scribbled on his forehead. Sae was always unavailable, always too far to be reached, always two years and ten steps ahead of Rin. As he sat there, his mind was consumed with thoughts of Sae and his own insignificance in the vast, endless world. He knew they would prefer if he was Sae instead, if it was Sae that walked through that door ten weeks ago everything would be better.

As they smoked, the annoyances subsided and Rin slowly begun relaxing, body sinking into the fluffy cushions, mind fogging over, his guard lowering and rendering his usual defences useless.

"Rin chaan. Earth to Rin chan. RIN!" Bachira hesitantly tapped Rin, who was lost in his thoughts, staring at the wall.

"Huh?"

"Whatcha thinking about? You didn't hear me call you."

"None of your business, what do you want?"

"Snacks! Ryu chan said I should go and get some. He only has like meal prep stuff so boring i want potato chips, what d'you want?"

"Mm I could eat potato chips."

"Wanna come with me to the store?"

"I guess I could."

"Come on come on i'm so hungry I dunno why we didnt go to the store straight after work the munchies are my biggest downfall." Bachira grabbed Rin's hand without thinking, trying and failing to pull him up. As he accidentally intertwined their fingers he realised how large Rin's hands were, how supple, moisturised and pale his skin was and how neat and long his nails were.

His slender, pianist fingers wrapped around Bachira's rougher, stubbier hands, almost childlike by comparison. When Rin finally rose, Bachira slipped his arm around his waist and giggled.

He knew drugs and alcohol made him unusually lenient, it left him exposed and vulnerable, needy and craving contact of any kind.

To Rin, this turned out to be perfect, he was high for free, around only two people which meant he could exist without awkward silence as the other two entertained each other.

He was just grateful to be able to sit quietly without being asked if he was upset or mad every ten minutes.

He liked that about Bachira and Shidou, they were rambunctious in every way but when Rin went home at night, he found the silence they filled throughout the day deafening. The nightly silence he once endured, now had to be filled with more podcasts, with louder music or scarier films.

The more time Rin spent with other people, the more he begun to lose sight of the version of himself that genuinely enjoyed being alone every single day.  

"Uh oh, Bachira forgot about his little boyfriend at home." Shidou swatted Bachira's hand away from Rin's waist with a wide smile.

"My boyfriend that's hanging out with his boyfriend. They're gaming with this guy I've never even met before."

"I wanna play games." Rin mumbled beside Bachira.

"Ah! You gotta come to our game nights. We play mario kart and stuff but if you have a request you can just bring the game yourself." 

"I doubt you want me to bring any, I play horror games."

"Not horror games." Shidou groaned.

"Whats wrong with horror games you tasteless moron?"

"You're just so emo RinRin. You guys can sit down I'm just gonna order snacks the store is so far and they don't even sell the chips i like."

"Yayy, Ryu chan lets have a sleepover!"

"Don't wanna go home to find your boyfriend having a threesome his other boyfriends?"

"Only you would think of something like that. I cant be asked to go home tonight i'm gonna be back here tomorrow anyway. What about you Rin chan? Wanna have a sleepover? We can get crossfaded."

"Yeah RinRin spend the night, I've got like three spare rooms if you don't wanna sleep in my bed. We can spoon but I sleep naked."

"I'm gonna go home soon."

"Have you found a place yet Rin chan?" Bachira asked, sitting down as Shidou bought over a bottle of vodka.

"Not yet, its so expensive living in a hotel is cheaper."

"Why don't you model?"

"I don't wanna model like Sae, I wanna focus on my art."

"Do both, if you don't model its such a waste of your perfect genetics."

"If we get Rin chan drunk enough he might model for us Megs." Shidou added.

"I'm not your little Sae replacement, I told you i'm not modelling. I'm an artist, not a model."

"Models are performers and performers are artists. Its about how you exist and navigate the world. The clothes you get paid to wear are only a segment of what it means to be a model. Everyone makes it seem like models are coat hangers, simply a vessel for the clothing but in actuality its how you wear it that makes each piece desirable. It's the personality, the aesthetic or vibe you bring that accentuates the clothing, especially if its a perfect fit. As an artist, you have to accept all paths of life as some form of art." Shidou explained passionately. 

"Modelling as a performance, i've never really thought about it that way..."

"Don't just wear the outfit, make it yours and sell it to the world."

"I don't understand what making it mine entails..."

Rin said before chugging the vodka straight from the bottle after Bachira, sighing and slumping further into his seat. He didn't want to talk about modelling anymore, his mind slowly slipped back into a cesspool of self hate and Sae and self deprecation.

Rin's bangs weren't long enough to conceal his shame, his disgust, his abhorrence.

His self hatred that ran deeper than a well, his mind, body and soul hollowed out, barren, unceasingly forsaken. He couldn't even look in the mirror let alone model with the feelings that festered within.

Chapter Text

Bachira could feel Rin's mood dampening as the evening progressed.

Abandoning the half smoked joint in the ashtray to chain smoke cigarettes. Bachira was attentive, observing the distance behind Rin's eyes as he got lost in his thoughts, the slight tremble of his fingers as the cigarette burned mindlessly between them.

In that moment, he wanted to pick Rin's mind, to know what he was thinking, to understand the extremities of his feelings, to be let into his world. 

Bachira watched his thin fingers slip through the straight, glossy, strands of inky hair. The bob of his Adam's apple as he swallowed, the long,  wispy eyelashes that sat on his cheeks when he looked down at him. The intensity of his gaze, the red hue seeping through his blemish free skin from the two shots of alcohol he took ten minutes prior.

Sometimes, Bachira caught Rin's passing glances,  bright yellow irises met icy teal ones, their eyes lingering; Bachira's lively smile prompting Rin to scowl and divert his attention back to his work.

Refraining from stepping too close, Bachira kept his distance from Rin, to get to know him better at a pace he's comfortable with.

His forbidden longing for Rin was exacerbated every time they were together, every time Bachira leaned in too close he picked up notes of lotus, jasmine, lily of the valley and vetiver. The scent complimented by his essence of leather, pencil shavings and old books.

Ever since the first day Rin walked through the door, he was on Bachira's mind daily. Dinner with Isagi consisted of their regular conversation until he begun thinking about Rin, his mind slowly drifting back to his teal eyes and bad manners, cedar wood and his distinctive black leather jacket. Every Rin-related tangent his brain went on ended with rejection, hurt, pain and endless longing.

Bachira believed Rin could be happy, he believed, although he had never seen it, that Rin's smile was prettier than he could ever imagine.

He wanted Rin to know he heard his cries for help, through his art, his attitude and unorthodox habits.

Bachira wanted Rin to know he was human too, to assure him, to hug him, to hold his hand and tell him this is okay. Craving humanity, craving love and connection is okay. To not be perfect at everything you pick up is okay.

Even if Rin rejected him forever, if he was smiling, Bachira would find a way to be content and happy too.

Bachira had an inkling Rin wanted to model, to be seen, to be revered in his own light; taking matters into his own hands he started taking pictures of Rin himself. He bought his camera to work with the intention of taking candid pictures of Rin under the guise of 'wanting to create a photo scrapbook.'

Bachira caught Rin's attention, looking at him through the lens of his camera, the shutter heard above the TV as he took multiple pictures.

Every time he took a photo of Rin, it was as if time slowed  just for them, they both existed only in that moment. Through his lens, Rin looked otherworldly. Stoic yet effortlessly ethereal.

Just like Sae, Rin held his emotions behind his eyes, shrouded by the curtain of his ever growing bangs; behind his camera Rin couldn't hide. Before he could scowl, Bachira already captured his neutrality, his unequivocal beauty, the perennial sombreness he stopped trying so hard to hide.

Rin was an enigma, he had no social media, he barely had a phone with only 7 contacts, no games, a sparsely used device. He had no friends, estranged from his entire family beside infrequent contact with his older brother. He rejected social normalcies, he rejected people, places and things. Rin's world seemed perpetually dark and sequestered, desolate and misanthropic.

Rin hated humanity; rejecting human desires like  physical touch, empathy or love.

He abhorred the human experience as a whole. The disgusting sack of flesh he was born into, the skin that itched and peeled and tore. The fragile human body that would one day decay, to be devoured by maggots even before its return to the earth.

Bachira continued to take pictures of Rin, at work, before work, after work and now at Shidou's place. As they finished smoking and Rin went to the bathroom Bachira had an idea.

"Ryu chan, take Rin's measurements for me."

"What? Hell no. I ain't doing that."

"Then gimme Sae's measurements. They must be similar other than height."

"Eh.. I could..."

"Please please. Just this once."

Shidou just sighed, rummaging through piles of paper under the table adjacent to the television, pulling out copious amounts of designs, sketches and finally a small yellow post it note with the scribbles of Sae's measurements on them.

Bachira snapped a quick picture on his phone, handing it back as Rin entered with a deep scowl.

"I'm going home." Rin announced, collecting his things off the floor and heading to the door.

Shidou waved noncommittally and Bachira rushed out behind him.

"Wait wait Rin chan." Bachira grabbed his arm before he could start putting his shoes on.

"What?"

"Stay." Bachira's voice went quiet, his plead barely above a whisper as he clung onto Rin's arm, his bicep flexing as he tensed at the touch. Bachira watched Rin intently, his eyes flicking between him and the door, his shoes and the hand upon his arm.

He stood tall, hovering over Bachira, removing his hand from his arm by the wrist, not letting go as he enunciated his next words just loud enough for Bachira to hear.

"Stop hovering around me like a fly next to a heaping pile of shit. You're so clingy it's getting fucking irritating. Save that tepid shit for your stupid waste of space barista boyfriend."

Bachira took a step back, arms falling to his side as he inhaled sharply, avoiding direct eye contact with Rin, who still stood exceptionally close to Bachira, Rin, who still hadn't let Bachira's wrist go, Rin, who was still hunched over at Bachira's level, so close Bachira could smell his shampoo and conditioner.

"Did... something happen? Are you alright?"

Rin ignored his questions, releasing his wrist,  shoving his feet into his trainers and slamming the door behind him, leaving Bachira at a loss for words, jaw clenched, mood ruined.

He didn't even feel high anymore, as he threw himself back down next to a preoccupied Shidou.

"He left." Bachira pouted with disappointment

"Y'know he was never gonna stay."

"Thanks for rubbing salt in the wound ."

"Go home to your loving boyfriend instead of waiting for a dude that couldn't care less about you." Shidou stated, picking up his grinder to roll another joint.

"Before you roll up, we should make the stuff. What are we making? Cookies? Brownies?"

"What d'you fancy?"

"Mmmm pineapple upside down cake. Or shortcake or castella."

"So... cake?"

"Mhm."

"Meguru chan..." Shidou faced Bachira properly, looking at his sullen face and the permanent pout on his lips. "Megs, whats up?"

"Rin... Its so stupid. I don't even like him like that. I just wanna be friends.. or something."

"You like him, like that. That's the problem. You want Isagi chan to disappear so you don't have to take accountability and breakup with him yourself."

"Have you picked up anything stronger from your guy?"

"Uhhh."

"Is that a yes?"

"I've only been smoking weed."

"Nothing else?"

"Nah."

"What!? You didn't tell me you quit the other stuff. How long?"

"Almost a year now. "

"How many months?"

"10 months. I got some stuff the last time I picked up weed, we can do a few lines."

"Are you sure...?"

Shidou nodded before he left for five minutes, returning and producing a small bag filled with an off- white powdery substance.

"I'm gonna cancel tomorrow. Reschedule for next month, then Aryu chan can come too." Shidou said, pouring the powder onto a glass tile on the table, separating four short lines with a plastic card and rolling up a single note, sliding the tile over to Bachira.

"Why reschedule?" He asked, sliding off the sofa to kneel beside the table snorting two lines and handing it back to Shidou.

Shidou done the same, setting out another four before answering.

"I just wanna get high without a crowd. Maybe drunk too." He kneeled down for the next two lines sighing, sinking deeper into the couch.

"Are you gonna cancel on Rin chan too?"

"Yeah he's a fucking killjoy. It'll just be us."

"Mmmmmm..Please please please."

"Baby bee's first major crush in like five years, fine. I won't cancel on your beloved Rin chan."

"I'll message Isagi."

"Ain't he suspicious yet?"

"Suspicious? C'mon. I never talk about Rin at home."

"What do you keep him around for anyway?"

"Other than his insanely unfair looks, he's sweet, he smells so good. He's funny, smart-"

"I meant your boyfriend."

"Oh-"

Shidou burst out laughing. A lighter, less boisterous laugh than usual.

They spent the rest of their night talking into the morning, until it was bright and time for breakfast. Until it was a decent time for Bachira to text Rin good morning.

But Rin simply ignored Bachira's good morning message, and the message of him asking if he's still hanging out, AND the ten texts apologising profusely for being so annoying and clingy.

Bachira spent almost the whole week with Shidou, oscillating between home, work at the café and Shidou's house. Pretending Rin's last words weren't burning in his mind everyday. Like his absence didn't make him yearn harder, check his phone frequenter and make his insides churn faster.

Bachira waited, and waited, and waited. Until Monday came again, and again, and again. Until a month passed and the season was beginning to change from summer to autumn.

Rin still failed turn up at work, or answer any calls, as if he never existed in the first place.

Chapter Text

It was a dreary, cool morning, an icy breeze sat on the horizon. The crisp, browning autumnal leaves had already begun to fall. Shidou sighed, taking out his keys to open the shop that morning as he was pondering quitting his weekend bartending job to spend his more time sewing.

He was so lost in his train of thought he didn't hear Bachira approach, slapping him on the back as he turned the key in the door.

Before either could exchange pleasantries, Shidou was further distracted by his phone ringing briefly, followed by a single ding as he received a message from an unknown number.

UNKNOWN

It's Itoshi Rin. I need you to pick me up.

Shidou stopped unlocking the door even though the key was mid turn, fishing his phone out of his pocket to read Rin's vague message, swearing under his breath as he typed.

SHIDOU

Oi RIN Wtf man you fucked off for 3 weeks and expect me to pick u up?

RIN

Yh

SHIDOU

Fkn bastard. U can't just leave for 3 weeks and ignore every1

RIN

I was in hospital.

SHIDOU

O...Shit. 3 WEEKS? i'll pick u up, wtf happened?

RIN

Got in a fight.

SHIDOU

Dw daddys gonna pick u up bby

Rin left Shidou on read, and Shidou turned to Bachira, an unreadable expression on his face.

"What's up Ryu chan?"

"He... wasn't ignoring us."

"What do you mean? Rin chan? Is he okay? Did.. Did something happen?"

"He's in hospital, I gotta go pick him up."

Shidou was busy texting, leaving the shop key in the door as he rummaged through his bag for his car keys.

"He... can I come..? What even happened? Should we tell Aryu?" Bachira said impatiently, picking at the strings of skin that hung from his short nails.

"Calm down, get the key, lets go."

Rin stood outside the hospital, in loose, ripped jeans and a black t-shirt, a cast on one arm and bandages on the other, nonchalantly smoking a cigarette, shoving a battered, old flip phone someone gave him out of pity in his back pocket as he waited for Shidou to arrive.

The bags under his eyes were dark, the former black eye still slightly discoloured, the yellowing subtly fading back into his original skin colour. In three weeks, cuts and bruises blossomed and healed leaving slight scars and patches. The remnants of his encounter three weeks ago littered his lithe body. 

A magenta Mercedes Benz pulled up in front of Rin, Bachira swung the door open aggressively, running towards him before the car could fully stop.

"RIN CHAN!!" Bachira wiped tears from his eyes, taking in Rin's state, trying not to get upset over his condition or ask too many questions regarding his hospital stay. 

Shidou exited the car, leaving the door ajar approaching Rin and patting him lightly on the back. 

"Woah RinRin you look like fucking shit."

"So do you." Rin rolled his eyes, standing in an awkward embrace with Bachira, who hugged him cautiously; Shidou beside him, lingering briefly, checking his phone a few times.

"Rin chan... i was so worried. What even happened?" Bachira asked whilst still hugging Rin.

"Urg nothing, some imbeciles started a fight and stole my phone, empty wallet and key card."

"I thought you got in a fight not robbed and beat up. Get in the car." Shidou huffed, ushering the duo away from the hospital.

"Thanks for picking me up..." Rin mumbled as he got in the passenger seat of the car.

"Have you told Sae?" Bachira asked, climbing into the backseat.

"No."

"Are you gonna tell him?"

"No."

"Alright."

Five minutes into their silent car ride, the awkwardness was tangible. The radio, the sole sound inside the car other than the ignition of Rin's lighter as he placed yet another cigarette between his lips.

Rin watched the scenery pass by in a flash, trees and buildings melding together in a blur, the biting wind blew his hair chaotically through the half opened window.

The cigarette smoke disappearing into the ether as Rin pointedly blew it outside. 

Bachira broke the silence.

"Rin chan... Why didn't you call sooner?"

"No phone."

"I mean... they have phones in the hospital. Did you tell your parents?"

"I only memorised Sae's number."

"Typical Itoshi." Shidou mumbled. "Gimme a cig."

"Mm." Rin hummed, ignoring Shidou's outstretched hand, lighting another cigarette, placing into Shidou's mouth, two fingers brushing his slightly glossy lips.

"Stay at my place." Shidou said, taking a deep inhale of the cigarette in his mouth, blowing the smoke through his nose.

"What? Hell no. I'm not gonna stay with you over an insignificant injury."

"I ain't asking." Shidou looked over at Rin during a red light, tapping ash into the cars built in ashtray.

"Why're you doing this? You barely even know me, you're treating me like a charity case 'cause you wanna fuck my brother."

"Maybe I wanna fuck you." Shidou said without breaking eye contact, a glint in his eye as he smirked at Rin's hot face. A faint air of sexual tension arising as neither Rin nor Shidou broke eye contact.  

"Woah. Easy tiger." Bachira panicked, leaning forward in the back seat. 

"You'd have drag me into bed unconscious if you wanna fuck me, dumbass." Rin mumbled, turning back to the window, opening it wider, hoping the chill would cool his reddening face.

"I'll fuck you until you're unconscious if that's what you mean. But I ain't gonna let you keep sleeping in a shitty motel when I've got two spare rooms. Think of it as bonding. Can you cook?"

"No."

"Ah shit me neither really I hope you like meat and rice."

"I can cook my own meals and do my own grocery shopping."

"Why're you so against us being friends RinRin?"

"Your face makes me mad."

"Yknow he walks around naked every morning Rin chan and he screams on the balcony. The first time I stayed at his place I think I had a heart attack. He woke me up screaming BLOODY FLESH." Bachira chimed in.

"This morning i screamed haemoglobin and red blood cells. Really gets the body pumping."

"You're sickening."

"Rin chan." Bachira started, scooting over to sit in the middle. "I know you don't really see us as friends but we're here for you always... You don't have to feel ashamed for needing some help."

"I don't need help."

"Okay buddy. We're always here."

Shidou pulled up to the hotel where Rin was staying.

"Go get your stuff."

"Dont tell me what to fucking do obviously im gonna go and get my shit."

"I can come and carry some things for you Rin chan."

"Thanks."

Bachira and Rin left Shidou in the car, approaching the two receptionists at the front desk.

"Good morning, how can I help you today?"

"Itoshi Rin. I reported a stolen key card three weeks ago. Need to get into my room."

"Oh uh okay one moment please." The lady at the desk begun typing furiously, "do you have any identification?"

"Ah.." Rin pulled his health insurance card out of his back pocket, sliding it across the desk.

She picked it up, whispering to the man beside her as she presented a key card.

"Have a good day sirs."

"Thanks, Miss." Bachira beamed, following Rin to the elevator, the journey to his room silent, the tension palpable as they packed. 

Bachira was helping Rin pack his single suitcase and Shidou was in the car, the sunglasses Sae gave him on the top of his head, scrolling through his instagram page.

It had almost been 5 months since Shidou spoke to Sae at all. He hadn't sent a message in over a month, tried to call him or stalked his sparse instagram page, until now.

Waiting for the others to return, he watched a recent video of Sae drunk, close, whispering in the ear of a guy he had never seen before. Two months ago, his heart would flutter at the thought of Sae, now, his mind already went on a tangent. Thoughts of what Rin would behave like whilst under the influence overshadowed any prior thoughts of Sae, causing him to close his phone entirely, staring out of the window, waiting for dark locks and long legs to walk out of the door.  

The only mental task harder than yearning is letting go.

Shidou wanted to let go.

He wanted to move on.

Sae made it easy. 

At first, every organ in his body craved Sae. An unquenchable thirst wracked his body every time he thought of him, slowly, thoughts of Sae merged with thoughts of Rin. Dark teal eyes and thick lashes merged into lighter teal, thinner eyes and longer, wispier lashes. 

Others saw Sae as an arrogant, selfish brat but Shidou knew Sae was a one of a kind, rare gem.

He thoroughly enjoyed Sae's honesty, his bluntness and his self assurance.

The complexities Sae wore unknowingly on his sleeve, the glint that still existed in his stormy, teal eyes; Shidou just wanted to preserve his happiness.

He saw his vulnerability, his loneliness, his desperation for someone to care enough to peel away the layers of his carefully curated façade.

He knew Sae was unafraid of change, of abdicating the parts of himself that no longer resonated in order to grow. He believed in their connection, in their ability to metamorphose together, to allow their juxtaposing characters to unlock versions of themselves they always kept hidden away; he believed they each held  the key to grant each others freedom. 

Shidou wanted to be the one to love every atom of Sae, to slowly unravel the expertly crafted web he spun around himself to protect his fragmented heart.

There weren't any words to describe their bond or his feelings towards Sae; but he understood the feelings in his body, his intuition screamed ' this feels right. '

Upon initially meeting, they extrapolated the intricacies of the other, they connected like labyrinthine pieces of a puzzle that upon first glance do not appear to fit together. But in the right place, at the right time, the pieces interlock in a way that was just meant to be.

Shidou was misunderstood by the world that surrounded him, like Sae, they misconstrued their words and took their actions at face value.

The world failed to see the pure dedication or goal behind Shidou's madness, his vigour to carve his name out in cosmos, to live his unconventional life to the fullest. He knew deep down, Sae needed that freedom to survive; he needed to rekindle his devotion to his ideal version of life to gain a semblance of the freedom he sought. 

Their day at the beach revealed Sae's intrinsic desire to be freed. His teal irises perusing the sea with longing, his craving to spread his non existent wings and fly away, to feel the wind in his hair, a juvenile lightness encompassing his heart.

They both possessed inhumane desires, to break free from the mould humanity bestowed upon them. Their desperation to live devoured their rationality.

The desperation, the deep feelings he harboured for Sae were beginning to turn sour. He couldn't mask the feeling of rejection, the past four months were full of inner strife. Of confusion, and sitting in uncomfortable feelings. 

Life is not linear, to be human is to feel the complexities of emotions, to breathe, to experience the earth in a tangible vessel. Humanity is convoluted, miserable and evil, but it is also incandescent, vivacious, forgiving and tender. The world exists in juxtapositions, in mirror images and hypocrisies. 

His wanton craving for Sae inhibited his freedom and therefore, for now, in this moment, he had to move on. As much as his soul ached for their connection, he needed to be free.

Shidou was prepared to fight for Sae, to wait, to get closer with age, for their bond to be reminiscent of a well fermented kombucha; instead, their time passed as strangers. 

The place Shidou reserved for Sae was gradually being overtaken by Rin; he respected Rin as an artist, his way of life resonated. 

Their relationship was not attraction at first sight like Sae, it was gradual, it was glances, touches. It was Shidou leaning over Rin to critique his art or taunt him. Dulling the sprout of his desire for Rin as to not step on Bachira's toes, but Rin's blushed face was burned into his retinas. He was beautiful, in a dark and twisted way, a sick part of Shidou wanted to ruin Rin, to tear him apart and feast on his flesh; he knew Rin would reciprocate without hesitation. 

It was fire and passion colliding. 

Rin was messy and raw; Sae was clean and calculated. 

Shidou didn't mind getting messy. 

Reticent yearning wasn't his style, violent loving was.

To yearn was to be stifled, to be conflicted, to be stuck in a state of wanting as opposed to having. Shidou lived in the moment, the only time that existed was here and now.

How could Sae expect Shidou to wait if he never gave him anything worth waiting for? Why would Shidou continue to wait for Sae when Rin was right beside him? 

What was the difference between longing and suffocation? Between waiting and dying?

Shidou didn't know anymore.

Chapter Text

After Rin’s incident, he inevitably took Shidou up on his offer to stay his place temporarily, whilst his broken arm healed and no longer.

Their first night together as roommates ended up more awkward than anticipated, sitting at the dinner table in silence as they ate leftover beef bibimbap. Rin staring at every rice grain as if it was the most intriguing movie he had ever seen in order to avoid eye contact with Shidou, who sat directly in front of him attempting to make casual dinner conversation.

“So, RinRin… If Meguru chan was single… Would you date him?”

“No.”

“Why not? He’s sweet.”

“Shut up and let me eat.”

“C’mon, humour me.”

“Not interested.”

“Well… What’s your type?”

“Dunno.”

“You’re so boring.”

“Don’t care.”

Shidou only picked at his food, eating the meat, leaving the majority of the rice and vegetables, pushing his plate aside to interrogate Rin further.

"Are you gay? I'm Bi."

"Dunno."

"You dunno if you're gay? What? You like women?"

"I don't fucking care. I ain't interested in NPCs I have goals."

"Dated anyone?"

"No."

"Haha, you're a virgin."

"I don't have time for useless activities."

"How old are you? 23? And you've never had sex? Kinda crazy."

"Just shut the fuck up."

"Ohoho, are you embarrassed, RinRin?"

"Tch." Rin had enough, scraping the remnants of food into the bin, washing his and Shidou's plates up and leaving before Shidou could even thank him.

Rin never thought about intimacy.

Sexual intimacy in particular scarcely crossed his mind.

Rin would never admit he was scared of being touched, of touching, of being alone and vulnerable with another person.

He would never admit to kissing a boy in college and feeling sick to his stomach, the way his hands brushed against him made his skin crawl and his breath hitch. The goosebumps that littered his skin as a hand went up his shirt and the other down his trousers, the repulsion rising like bile in his throat. It made his body shudder unpleasantly forcing him to push the other away and leave immediately.

It went beyond discomfort, it became a feeling Rin deeply repressed; the desire to be touched.

The clumsy exchange of bodily fluids, the heightened feelings, the elevated heart rate and animalistic lust made his stomach churn.

His tolerance for 'touching' of any kind other than fighting was low. He couldn't handle anything above holding hands before retracting into himself, before his mind begun sending warning signs, alarm bells screamed danger even if it was what he wanted.

 He wanted to be alone, sometimes. Others, he wanted something, someone. He considered it, a casual hookup, a drunken accident, even going to a bar some nights to work up the courage , but he couldn't.

As drunk as Rin got, he didn't have the confidence to tell anyone, 'be careful with me', 'treat me gently at first', 'help me', 'guide me.'

Everyone expected someone like Rin to be an expert in all areas, his handsome face adorned with beautifully feminine features, his tall and broad figure, his standoffish attitude meant everyone wanted him to be perfect in all areas.

All everyone else saw, was Rin rejecting someones advances, as usual.

What they didn't see was the way his toes curled in disgust, the way his stomach twisted and excess saliva filled his mouth.

He didn't know what to say or do or how to act, especially when the person trying to touch him was none other than his current roommate.

In a week, Rin realised Shidou was more tolerable at home, in his own space his aura wasn't as suffocating - his personalty not as overwhelming.

Shidou's essence remained unchanging, yet his temperament did not; Rin hated how he preferred 'home Shidou' to ' work Shidou.'

He was calm and direct, he kept the space clean and he left Rin to his own devices. But he had major issues with substances; their first week as roommates, Shidou holed up in his room if he was high. But on multiple occasions in a short span of time he found Shidou hunched over the toilet or passed out somewhere in the house. Picking up his 6'1 frame with one arm and dragging his body into bed, waking up and acting as if nothing happened.

Oftentimes, Rin bit his tongue, Shidou was struggling with something. He wanted to forget something, Rin didn't know, he didn't ask or tell Shidou how many times he scraped his limp body up the never ending case of stairs.

A segment of his mind hated picking up after Shidou, he was confused as to how he hid such obstructive habits from everyone around him.

He even asked Bachira, who claimed he only took drugs other than weed on a rare occasion, he told Rin Shidou was 'getting better', indulging on instances like a party or an extended tattoo appointment. Aryu was only aware of his weed usage, although he was under the assumption it was infrequent.

They went to work and he acted wild and free and happy like he wasn't stuck in a drugged up heap, clutching his body in foetal position the night before.

Only two weeks into living together, curiosity got the better of him and Rin agreed to take drugs he had never even considered, with Shidou, alone in his bedroom.

It was his first time in Shidou's bedroom, it was neat, organised with chaotic and colourful design choices. His windows were large, his space open and heavily decorated. 

They sat side by side, Rin on his ipad, Shidou on his phone.

"Are these different?" Rin asked after snorting multiple lines.

"Yeah." He mumbled, wiping his nose and discarding the glass tile on his bedside table next to the rest of his drug paraphernalia. Stretching and draping an arm over Rin's shoulder.

"Uh." Rin grunted inadvertently, the drugs were making his heart off beat, he felt it thump in his chest as Shidou scooted closer, only to take the cigarette from behind his ear and the lighter that lay next to his hand, returning to scrolling on his phone after he lit the cigarette.

"Why're you so nervous? Think i'm gonna jump you?"

Rin scoffed, "touch me and i'll break your fucking arms off."

His standoffish attitude caused Shidou to discard his cigarette and focus on Rin.

"You're so weird. What are you like whats it called, fucking, y'know when people hate sex."

"Drop it."

"I don't get it. Was you.. yknow?"

"Fucking no just stop."

"I just don't get it, its just sex, do you even masturbate?"

"No."

"Fucking hell, that's what you're so uptight. I can't even compare one year to twenty three you must be so pent up."

"Go fuck yourself you slimy roach."

"You fuck me."

"What?"

"Kiss me."

"Urg."

"I'm joking."

"No you ain't. Go get it from a stranger and back off."

"Not my preference." Shidou shrugged, watching Rin like a hawk.

"Stop staring."

"Am I your type, RinRin?"

"Yeah, if I was blind, deaf and dumb."

"You can't even look me in the eye." Shidou narrowed his eyes, waiting for Rin to look at him but his eyes stayed plastered to his ipad.

Shidou snatched it away, putting it at the foot of his bed, forcing Rin to look in his direction.

"You're obsessed with Sae, why're you coming onto me like this? Cause youre high?"

"Nah, he ain't into me, I gotta move on, right?"

"I would rather die than be used as a tool to make that bastard jealous. So don't even try it."

"I wanna make you jealous."

"Stop hitting on me before I HIT YOU."

"It's harmless."

"It's not fucking harmless."

"Why? You like me or something?" Shidou teased.

"Is there something mentally wrong with you? I'm leaving."

"Wait, i'm playing. Do you want more?" Shidou asked, pointing towards his bedside table.

"Less. My hearts fucking pulsating. Is this normal?"

"Relax, its normal. Lay down and chill."

"I can't, fuck, I feel kinda weird."

"You should feel good, want me to kiss you?" 

"Stop fucking around."

"Shit stop moving. Take a few deep breaths, inhale, exhale." Shidou guided Rin through five minutes of breathing, watching him physically relax into the bed. "Better?"

"Mm."

"Good boy."

The tips of Rin's ears went red at Shidou's words. No smart rebuttal on his tongue, just a weird feeling lingering at the pit of his stomach. A daunting fluttering.

"You like it when I call you good boy?  I smell a praise kink."

"A what?"

"Y'know, you get off on praise."

"I don't-"

"Shh it's okay, I wont tell anyone. Can't say I wont use it against you at home though."

"Whatever."

"Rin chan, are you sure you ain't into Meguru?"

"Not interested."

"So, if he came onto you, you wouldn't do anything?"

"No, stop with all the hypotheticals."

"You're such a good boy RinRin." Shidou taunted, ruffling Rin's hair.

"Fuck off, you piss me off everyday. Go back to humping Sae's leg like a bitch and leave me alone."

"Come." Shidou shot up from his bed, beckoning Rin over to a table full of stacks of used papers and scraps of fabric, pulling out an incomplete garment Rin assumed was some form of shirt.

"I was making this, for Sae, it has a tiny piece of fabric sewn into it just for the arm of his sunglasses, y'know how he always tucks it into his shirt, its all about the small details no one thinks about", he said, pulling at the strip of fabric to display its strength.

He lifted the sleeve, folding it to the wrong side, pointing to the two sets of buttons.

"Two sets, the first one is so he doesn't have to crumple the fucking shirt by shoving it over his elbows, he can just fold and button it, same effect.

The set higher up makes the sleeves completely detachable, it's a linen viscose blend so I can make the shirt tighter and more structured without it losing its lightweight breathability."

"Why’re you doing all this? Why not spend your time focusing on your job instead of making clothes for him?”

“Dunno, the tattoo parlour used to belong to my grandparents. When they died, I took over and Aryu chans been helping me the entire time, our grandparents were friends. My parents hate tattoos, but they’re fucking assholes so figures.” Shidou was crouched, fiddling with the buttons of the shirt he showed Rin in a trance like state as he spoke, an air of nostalgia and pain behind his unusually calm and quiet voice.

His fists clenched, bunching the fabric in his hands as he continued, “my grandparents taught me how to sew and how to draw, I was tattoing on fake skin and making my own clothes at fucking twelve ‘cause they were so happy to be able to share their passion with me. My parents are boring pieces of shit that are blind to all forms of beauty and art.”

Rin didn’t know what to say, his mind was racing with a million thoughts a millisecond but none of his responses seemed appropriate, opting to hum and nod occasionally, staring at his plump, moisturised lips. Shidou kept talking into the floor as if he forgot Rin was right beside him.

“My parents were gonna sell the shop and this house cause they wanted the money from it but I told them to go fuck themselves, Aryu chan and his grandparents convinced them to let me keep all their shit- I dunno why I’m telling you this.” Shidou looked up, a flash of solemnity behind his eyes as he smirked at Rin to hide it.

“Stop fake smiling loser, do you think I’m stupid enough not to see through your bullshit by now?”

Shidou's smirk faltered, “wanna go for a walk?”

“Fine, only because it feels like I drank ten energy drinks back to back.”

Rin was trembling as he rose, Shidou grabbed his arm so he didn’t fall on top of him as they parted to get ready, reconvening at the front door. It was 12am, the house was dark and the main streets were bustling. The air outside was bitter, the wind whipped their hot faces, blowing any residue of sweat away as they walked. A comfortable, maybe unknown silence filled the air as they walked briskly, Rin trailing behind Shidou, still unfamiliar with the area. The further they walked, the quieter and darker the streets became.

For the first time, Rin broke the silence, blaming his racing mind on the drugs.

“Did you bring a lighter?” He asked, handing the almost empty cigarette box to Shidou, holding his up expectantly.

The wind was too strong for the lighter to work properly, they stood in the empty street, huddled together with hands cupped around the lighter and cigarettes in their mouthes, simultaneously leaning into the warm, flickering flame. The only noise, the crackle of the tip of the cigarette as it finally lit.

It was almost Rin’s favourite season, as the sticky, humid warmth was gradually overtaken by the chill of autumn. As short sleeved t-shirts turned into long sleeves, as Rin could hide and retract into himself through layers of clothes, jumpers and turtle necks, leather jackets and jeans.

"What do you wanna do more? Tattoo or fashion designing?"

"I don't wanna pick. They're both my life, my purpose, my passion. They can't compare or replace each other. C'mon, open up, tell me something more about you."

"I dunno. I just wanna make art, I wanna draw and paint and sculpt and see my designs on peoples skin. I used to draw weekly horror comic strips for the college newspaper. I need my art to keep evolving, I only wanna be around people that inspire me because their passion burns as hot as mine. I'll kill anyone that gets in the way of my goal to be the best."

"To evolve, you have to experience. To experience, you have to open up. To others..."

"If that's what you think."

"You gotta acknowledge other people, not just hold a grudge over your brothers head. Be open to seeing the beauty in people instead of all their flaws and imperfections. Let the ugliness of the world inspire you to create art that's profoundly beautiful."

"I don't need anyone else to create the best art."

"You're just afraid of getting hurt." Shidou said, a weak smile on his lips as he entered a children's play park, sitting on the swing, rocking on his heels, waiting for Rin to sit beside him.

Rin sat before answering, "I ain't afraid of anything."

"Dude, you freak out over holding hands."

"No I don't."

Shidou stopped swinging to hold his hand out and prove his point. But Rin hooked their pinkie fingers together.

"That's still not holding hands y'know." Shidou said, grasping Rin's hand and interlocking their fingers. "Like this."

"I'm uncomfortable."

"You're afraid of intimacy. Why?"

"Dunno its gross, makes me feel weird in a bad way. Its unnatural."

"Hmph. Any touching? You're so fucking weird, man."

Rin pulled his hand away, holding onto the chains of the swing instead.

"Don't be like that I didn't mean it like that. Help me get over Sae.. I'll help you with whatever the fuck this is."

"Hell no. Get over that shitty guy yourself. And what makes you think you're qualified to help me with anything?"

"Help me Rin chan, I feel stuck. I'll help you."

"Lukewarm piece of shit. Get up, you barely even knew him why're you so hung up?"

"I... dunno anymore. I was interested, I wanted to get to know him, to see if it would work out and it didn't. I ain't hung up."

"Right. You blonde pest, you're obsessed."

"With you."

"Don't switch up now i'll kill you."

"What's it gonna take for you to believe me?"

"Sae's head on a silver platter and a knife with evidence of your fingerprints lifted off the murder weapon as proof."

Shidou stood behind Rin, his fingers grazed his neck, nails scraping his scalp and twirling the ends of his hair between his fingertips, Rin's whole body shuddered under his touch.

"You're sensitive."

"I paid a bunch of guys to beat me up and then they stole all my shit." Rin confessed suddenly, the hand that played with Rin's hair dropped abruptly.

"You- what?"

"I... forget it."

Shidou stomped over to face Rin, lifting his chin with his thumb and pointer finger to ensure they were making eye contact.

"You're telling me, you PAID some bastards to beat the fucking shit out of you? To the point where you were in hospital for three fucking weeks? Rin? Are you suicidal? Why're you harming yourself on purpose, huh?"

Rin slapped his hand away, "I... let's just go."

"No. Just be fucking honest for once."

"I am. I don't know why I did it, I wanted to feel something."

"So it's some fucked up form of self harm. Let's go." Shidou grabbed his good wrist, pulling him up, expecting words of protest or to be shoved away, but Rin remained unusually silent, complacent.

"It's not self harm."

"Whatever, Rin. How'd you feel now? Uncomfortable?"

"Huh? Nah."

"What about now?" He said, interlacing their fingers.

"A little."

"Now?" He asked, placing his hand on Rin's lower back.

"Stop."

"Alright." he said, opting to hold hands instead, the drugs were wearing off and the tiredness was beginning to catch up to them as they strolled, in the cold, back to the house.

When they entered, Rin immediately let go of Shidou's hand, walking to his room with vigour, slamming his door and collapsing on his bed.

He woke up in the same position, the same clothes, his jaw tense and his head foggy. His door was open and Shidou stood at the frame fully dressed in his gym attire; a black tank and black shorts.

"I'm going gym with Meguru chan and Isagi chan."

"Why're you telling me?" Rin groaned, holding up his arm in a cast, "I can't fucking workout properly."

Somehow, Rin still ended up at the gym with Shidou in a hoodie and jogging bottoms, bags heavy under his eyes as they approached Isagi and Bachira who stood chatting outside.

"Rin chan! Ryu chan!" Bachira shouted, waving frantically.

"Bob cut. Isagi." Rin greeted.

"Ah, Itoshi Rin, nice to see you again, it's been a while." Isagi said politely, removing his hand from under Bachira's shirt to shake his hand only for Rin to ignore him and walk straight into the gym.

"He's a bit of an asshole isn't he." Isagi laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his head, looking at Bachira who remained silent, avoiding eye contact with his boyfriend.

"Huge fucking asshole." Shidou agreed with a grin, throwing his arms around the couple and guiding them into the gym several paces behind Rin.

They all headed to the lockers to change into their inside shoes before entering the main space; Rin settled on the treadmill, while Shidou, Bachira and Isagi went straight to the weight rack.

After only 15 minutes, a tanned hand reached over, slowing Rin's treadmill to get his attention, Rin was outright ignoring him watching Shidou check his phone from the corner of his eye as a message popped up on his screen.

SAE

Yo, demon. Miss me?

Chapter Text

Rin watched Shidou avoid his phone for days on end, immersing himself in sewing, the continuous whirring of the machine, the tapping and relaxing of the pedal filled the living room as he worked. Shidou always wore earphones, pins resting in his mouth instead of just placing them on the side. The stretch, tear and manipulation of the fabric was intriguing to Rin, even as someone that’d never been interested in the creation of clothes, he could tell Shidou’s passion burned strong.

Chalk on his bandaged fingers from carelessly pricking himself fastening sheets of fabric together or pinning clothes to mannequins.

Breakfast would be on the table, but Shidou would be hunched over in his work space, surrounded by fabric, earphones in, entering a flow state and by the time Rin returned from the shop the fabric had been repurposed into multiple garments.

Recently, Aryu told him they were beginning the preparations for his grandparents annual fashion show. He was gaining a greater understanding of how Shidou and Aryu stayed friends this entire time, they clashed often, particularly on days Shidou was late for clients or refusing to go to work.

But their work outside of the shop amalgamated into a collaboration of wild patterns and sophisticated tailoring.

They had a system. Shidou put together the basic shape of the garment and Aryu would be in charge of detailing, the lace, the embroidery, the fastening of gems and neatening of hems.

Aryu focused on womenswear, telling Rin’s how glamorous female clothes are, the draping of silks, the boning of corsets, the dramatic silhouettes. He wanted his designs to exude glamour and make women feel beautiful in their femininity by applying his knowledge of female anatomy to every garment he created. Highlighting that 'the most glam designs will just go to waste if women don't feel good in them.'

Shidou's area of expertise was alternative menswear but he never spoke about his designs often. When he did, it was brief and he then changed the subject. 

Shidou let Rin into his world, into his home. Previously, they only saw each other at work, or at a coffee shop or to do drugs in his living room.

Rin barely knew anything about Shidou, but he was learning.

He learnt that Shidou didn't lie, he omitted.

He would tell segments of stories, showcasing pieces of his life and exposing fragments of his feelings as if they're the whole truth. He was loud in public, seemingly open and unafraid of revealing intimate, confidential parts of himself. But in private, he stuck to himself, keeping his affinity for self destruction a secret. Shidou's omissions gave him an upper hand, the people around him could act like they knew him so well whilst the true circumstance of his mental state remained locked and discarded in a box under his bed. 

Rin sat on the table, sketching digitally on his iPad, twirling his apple pen between his fingers, diligently perfecting his line work; the shrill ringing of his flip phone jolting him out of his flow state.

An unknown number called, Rin answered hesitantly.

“Hello? Mr Itoshi? Thank you for picking up, we’re calling to follow up on the email you sent last week.”

“What the hell are you talking about?"

“We received the application you submitted on our website as well as your email containing extra digitals, measurements and personal information, are you still interested in becoming a model?”

“Uh… Sure.”

“Great, we love your look and we double checked your availability and would like to schedule an in-person meeting with you this Friday at 11am to discuss your potential future as a model at our agency.”

“Uh, I had an accident and my arm is in a cast, is that a problem?” Rin asked.

“Not at all, we will just be taking some Polaroids, asking a few questions and getting to know you. Was the injury recent?”

“Semi-recent.”

“Right, we will discuss this further on Friday but it is not an issue at this moment in time. See you tomorrow morning.” The man over the phone hung up, leaving Rin confused at the kitchen table, checking his inbox curiously. No email.

His phone rung again, thirty minutes later.

“Hi hi Rin chan.”

“Bob cut.”

“I er..”

“Spit it out.”

“I submitted your photos to multiple modelling agencies, I got an automated confirmation email about an in person meeting tomorrow at 11am, are you gonna go?”

“It was you? I just got off the phone with those people. I guess I can check it out.”

“Yes! Can I come please please?”

“No.”

“C’mon Rin chan please.” Bachira begged, the desperation evident in his voice even over the phone.

“Fine, whatever, I don’t care.”

“I told Ryu chan too… He already agreed to drop you, we’ll wait in the car.”

“Tch.”

— — —

Rin was dressed in  a tight black tank that sat just above his hipbones paired with skinny, black low rise jeans, a studded belt and fitted leather jacket.

They arrived at the agency, Rin clenched his jaw unconsciously as he entered the large building, it was sterile and clean with photos of models all over the walls and magazines littered the table of the front desk as Rin approached.

“Itoshi Rin, I have an 11am meeting.”

“Second floor, first door on the left.”

“Thanks.”

The room was small and private, a tall man with black hair and glasses sat beside a short, red haired lady, who smiled and waited for Rin to be seated opposite them.

“Good morning, Itoshi Rin, we’re so glad you could make it. You’re very tall, great for runway.”

Rin nodded as the lady continued.

“What interested you about our agency?”

“It was a friend that submitted my application, I didnt know about it until you called.”

“Are you interested in modelling? Do you have any previous experience in the industry?”

“No. Ive never modelled professionally before, I done a few test shoots as a kid.”

“Why would you like to be a model?”

“I only considered it because my brother is a model.” Rin answered honestly.

“Does your brother happen to be Itoshi Sae?”

“Yeah.”

“I can tell, if you’re anything like him, you’ll do great. What types of modelling are you interested in?”

“Runway, commercial, I’m not really bothered.”

"We think your look is definitely more high fashion, runways, editorials, magazines." The woman noted, before continuing. “Do you see a future in modelling?"

Rin paused to consider it. Did he see himself modelling? Now? In a year? In five?

“I do, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of making art.”

“Ah, you’re an artist? Is that your current job or a hobby?

“Its my job, I work at a tattoo parlour,” Rin said, omitting the part where he was an unpaid apprentice that had not done a single tattoo on real skin. “Art is my life and has always been my sole focus.”

"What do you do in your free time, other than art."

"Workout."

"Great, your health and fitness are going to be integral as a model. We will have a look at your physique, take some photos and measurements, if you could just remove your jacket and shirt for me and stand in front of the white wall over there." The man pointed behind Rin.

They took Rins measurements, a couple of photos and set up the camera, asking Rin to do a trial walk for them.

"Your measurements are bigger than you stated. You don't need to lose weight, just slim down and focus on toning instead of weight lifting. We recommend running, walking, yoga, stretching and switching to lighter weights or refrain from using them completely."

Rin just nodded.

"We would like you to look over this contract," she said, sliding a small stack of paper across the table, "take your time and feel free to ask any questions. We encourage you to take it home and think about it further."

"No. I'll sign it now."

"Right, just to make sure we're clear, you cannot get any tattoos, every appearance change, such as haircuts, hair colour etcetera, will need to be discussed with us beforehand as clients will be expecting you to look exactly like your comp cards."

"What cards?"

"Composite Cards, or Comp Cards, are just like business cards for models, they'll include a couple of headshots, your measurements and key details, name, phone number, email, agency etcetera."

Rin scanned the contract, getting his pen our of his bag and signing without much hesitation.

"Are we done?"

"Almost, a few clients are already interested in working with you regardless of your cast. Over the next couple of months you will be expected to expand your portfolio. We have scheduled test shoots but you should also consider taking photos outside of that to show range. Lastly, you will need to establish a social media presence, so please open an Instagram account as soon as possible. Do you have any further questions?"

"No."

"Thank you fir your time, Itoshi Rin." She said, before shaking hands and thanking him for his time.

Rin got into the passenger seat of the car and slammed the door. Lighting a cigarette, ignoring the silence and the way Bachira and Shidou were staring at him expectantly.

"So..? OI RINRIN. Tell us how it went."

"Yeah Rin chan we're dying to know."

"It was fine."

"Elaborate, did they tell you to wait orrr c'mon i dunno how this stuff works."

"They signed me. I gotta go back in a week."

"Wow our Rin chan's a supermodel, pose for us."

"Fuck off and drive."

Shidou drove them to the shop, the mood was light as they chatted about the future, the upbeat, pop songs on the radio juxtaposed the moody weather.

Rin hadn't been to the shop in a few days, he missed the sterile smell, the hum of tattoo guns and the light atmosphere. He missed the mundanities, cleaning the shop in the morning, sterilising the equipment and watching Bachira perform piercings and talk about aftercare.

In the car, with a cigarette and the wind blowing, Shidou driving, Bachira leaning over in the back seat, felt like deja vu.

For once, he wasn't alone, surrounded by silence. It was a feeling he was afraid of enjoying, company, happiness, hope, a future on the horizon. He was scared the sand in the hourglass was running out. If he crawled too far out of his pit of despair, the fall would only be further, the pain would only feel worse. If he fell from this height, he would have more than broken bones; if he fell from this height, he didn't know if he would have the capacity to crawl out of the hole again.

Rin was the unexpected downpour on a perfect beach day.

He was the cloud that stood directly in front of the sun, turning the world dark.

That was his role in this life, the role he couldn't overstep, the role that kept him stuck in his claustrophobic pity hole.

Aryu opened and was working alone, it had been a while since everyone had worked together.

"Ah Shidou kun. Someones here for you." Aryu pointed at the back, a smile on his face, whispering, "your boyfriend."

The shop went silent as Shidou walked to the back, Sae sitting at the table on his phone. Turning to Shidou as he entered.

Sae looked thinner, sicker. He looked exhausted, sunken and depleted. His hair had recently been trimmed, shorter than the last time Shidou saw him, his hair was slicked to the side and thick messy eyeliner adorned his eyes, his pupils were dilated and dark, only a sliver of teal visible. His long lashes were accentuated with black mascara. His face was pale and his lips were glossy; Shidou drank in every detail of Sae's face.

"Yo, Ryusei." His small smirk died on his lips when he saw Shidou's face. His wild, un-gelled hair, the sunglasses he gave him on his head, a cigarette resting in the crease of his ear. His face, that was fixed in a deep scowl as he entered, faltered.

His clenched fists, released.

Addams apple bobbing as he swallowed thickly, suppressed emotions bubbling to the surface with each monotonous tick of the clock.

The silence deafened.

The tension coagulated in the air.

"What do you want, Sae?" Shidou asked, voice low and quiet.

"Wanna get lunch?"

"No. What do you want?"

"What's wrong with you all of a sudden?"

Shidou burst. 'All of a sudden.' Rung in his ears. Almost half a year and Sae turned up expecting everything to be the same as he left; but even if they were all pawns on Sae's chessboard, a film of dust would have formed in his prolonged absence. 

The dust serving as a reminder of his neglect.

A reminder that things only change through action.

"I can't fucking sit and have lunch with you after being ignored for months. Why're you even here?"

Sae rolled his eyes.

"Whatever, Ryusei. I was busy ."

"You ignored me for five fucking months. What was it some kind of test?"

"I don't understand why its such a big deal. I told you I was working."

"Just fuck off back to work then."

Sae stood up, grabbing Shidou's sleeve. "Ryusei, at least look at me."

"We expected too much of each other, Sae. Let's be honest, we don't even know each other. It was just a stupid crush. I ain't interested in lunch anymore."

"I told you, I was just busy. What do you want from me? Why are you overreacting?"

"Busy my ass, stop lying. You're selfish. You only think about yourself and not the fact you're fucking hurting the people around you. I don't want jack shit from you."

"I'm not lying."

"You haven't had a job in two fucking months and you've been in Japan for at least one. You're a liar and you've never even tried to talk to me sober. Bye, Sae."

"Ryusei. Wait."

"I'm done waiting." Shidou said, slamming the door behind him. Rin, Aryu and Bachira stood outside, in silence. Shidou avoided eye contact with everyone as he left the shop entirely.

"Oi Shidou." Rin called after him, but Bachira held his arm to stop him from following. Rin shook his hand off, shoving him away with not so much of a glance, chasing Shidou into his car, barely closing the door before he sped off.

"Don't, Rin." Shidou warned.

"You ain't over him at all."

"I said don't."

"Shut the fuck up. How'd you know Sae was in Japan?"

"I sent a DM to this guy I saw on his instagram story, he said the video was from fashion week and he misses Sae now he's back in Japan."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Dunno. Cause I'm over him."

"Bastard."

The car rolled to a halt as it was parked up. Shidou didnt bother waiting for Rin before slamming the door, kicking his shoes at the wall and storming into his bedroom. Rin swung his door open, his face was red, his hands balled into fists after having two doors consecutively slammed in his face, ready to shout at Shidou, but he spoke first.

"Hey RinRin. Wanna date?"

"Huh?" Rin's mind went blank, staring at Shidou with his mouth ajar. 

"Wanna be my boyfriend?"

"Hell no!"

Shidou jumped up. Intentionally standing too close to Rin, their noses almost touching.

"C'mon. If you hate it we'll just break up."

"I can't."

"It'll make everything easier, your whole, touching thing."

"I... This ain't how its supposed to go."

"How is it supposed to go then Mr i've never dated anyone in twenty three years?"

"Asshole."

"I'll make you feel good."

"I don't wanna feel good."

Rin stepped back. Shidou stepped forward, leaning in, causing Rin to squeeze his eyes shut, only to feel his hot breath in his ear, "spend the rest of the day with me."

"You're just gonna get high."

"How'd you know?"

"You want a distraction ."

"Wanna join?"

"I'm going for a run and I have an art piece to finish." Rin left before Shidou could respond.

If he allowed shidou to desecrate him what would he have left?

Chapter Text

As Rin ran, his feet felt heavy underneath him. His mind was racing, only twenty minutes in and he was crouched on the floor gasping for breath.

That was the first time anyone had explicitly asked to date him.

He hated the fact he even considered it.

He hated the fact he was still considering it.

The unfamiliar hope felt debilitating.

Maybe he wanted him too.

But he was terrified of being attainable.

A part of Rin didn't want to go back, to look into his scintillating pink eyes, to watch him bat his luscious blond lashes as he makes an array of inappropriate comments.

Rin drifted from Shidou to Sae; he knew how Sae hurt people, his heart knew, his soul knew.

But his mind knew Sae was struggling too.

Before his mind could deter him, Rin ended up at the beach, outside Sae's house. A sheen of sweat covering his body, his hand hovering over the door.

Three knocks.

It took Sae five minutes to get the door, but no one was there by the time he opened it.

Reluctantly, Rin went back 'home.'

Dripping in sweat, two hours later than expected. When he opened the door, he was met with people chatting and watching a movie in the living room with popcorn

Shidou, Bachira, Isagi, some guy with pink hair and a braid.

"Rin chan!" Bachira was the first to greet him, as usual.

"Bob cut... Isagi and who's this npc?"

"Kurona Ranze, nice to meet you finally finally." He said, quietly.

"Whatever. Oi blonde pest, come here." Rin beckoned. Shidou complied, following Rin into the bathroom.

"The bathroom RinRin? Flirty, sexy, bold. I like it."

"Shut up. Tell me why."

"Why what?"

"Why you asked me to date you. Was it a joke?"

"I don't joke like that."

Rin pushed Shidou into the wall, gripping his neck.

"I'll kill you if it has anything to do with shitty Sae."

"Youre gonna give me a boner if you keep choking me like that baby."

"Urg. You make me sick." Rin let go of Shidou like he was contagious.

"So?" Shidou raised an eyebrow.

"Why me?"

"We've spent almost everyday together since we met. Plus, I got jealous when you let Megs touch you. He made me realise I want you all to myself."

"One week."

"Hah?"

"I'll trial date you for one week."

Shidou interlaced their fingers, pulling Rin into him. His hand hovering over his lower back.

"Can I?"

He nodded, clenching his jaw as Shidou's cold hand trailed under his tank to touch his slick, sweaty lower back. Slightly dry lips almost brushing his ear, "C'mon Rin... Gimme longer, I wanna take my time with you, we gotta go slow."

Rin was taken aback at the words uttered, the vibration of each syllable reverberated through his soul.

He wanted to take his time with Rin.

He wanted to take his time with Rin.

He wanted to take his time with Rin.

"Gross. Fuck off and let me shower i'm all sweaty."

"Go on then. Strip." Shidou sat on a stool next to the shower, no intention of leaving, the guests in his house and the movie on the TV already slipping his mind.

"Turn around, pervert." Rin said, pulling his sweat soaked tank over his head without waiting. Putting on the waterproof cast cover he left by the shower before undressing completely and stepping in.

The squeak of the faucet, the running of water filled the room; steam rising as Rin stood under the shower head. Letting the water wash away the sweat and curiosity consume him.

"How many people have you dated before?" 

"Like... five."

"Only five? How old are you?"

"Dude. You don't even know my age?"

"No."

"I'm 26."

"How many people have you had sex with?"

"I dunno. Who counts their hookups?"

"Guess, bastard."

"Fifty?"

Rin pulled back the shower curtain, conditioner in his hair, "seriously?"

"Its just sex."

"Tch." Rin pulled the curtain back, after rolling his eyes.

"When people only wanna be friends with benefits it gets kinda degrading y'know. They think i'm hot, they like my body, i'm fucking amazing in bed but they don't like me ."

Rin stayed silent as he showered, holding out his hand for a towel when he finished, stepping out with it wrapped around his waist. Steam rising off his wet, red skin. Hair dripping onto the floor as Shidou continued talking.

"I thought I was dating this girl, we were in bed and I asked her to get breakfast. She said i'm annoying, clingy and embarrassing to be around in public. She doubled down and said shes even too embarrassed to even tell her friends we're fucking. Turns out she already had a boyfriend. Happened a lot." He shrugged.

"I like you. Without sex. I guess." Rin mumbled into his hand.

"Yeah?" Shidou perked up like a puppy.

"Mm."

They left the bathroom, Rin to get changed, Shidou was about to follow him until he remembered he had guests.

"Woow Ryu chan nice of you to join us. Movies over." Bachira crossed his arms. "What took you so long? Where's Rin chan?"

"I was watching him shower."

"H-huh?" Bachira tried, and failed to hide his surprise.

"We should probably get going. Right, Meguru?" Isagi chimed in, rising from the sofa and stretching. 

"I wanna say bye to Rin chan..."

"You'll see him at work tomorrow.. Come on, I need to drop Kurona back too."

By the time Rin came down, the living room and kitchen were empty.

Pouring himself a glass of water, only just realising how hungry his run made him. Their fridge was bare; stray, uncooked meat lay at the bottom with no accompaniments. Opting for a protein bar, he sat down head on the table, mind racing.

He didn't know what was worse, Shidou's constant rejections or his own abstinence.

He knew it was all true; Shidou was loud, he was embarrassing in public, he ignored social cues and lived wildly. But Rin also saw all the hours Shidou put into his dreams, he knew his wildness coincided with his passion. He was so unashamed of being his true self Rin almost admired him for it.

The more Rin thought about it, the more he realised, he didn't believe Shidou to be embarrassing at all. If he thought Shidou was being annoying, he would just shout at him or start a fight unintentonally. He enjoyed their banter, his energy, his drive.

Despite his experiences, he didn't hole himself up and hide away like Rin, he only became bolder and more 'himself', whatever that entailed.

If Shidou never opened up, Rin would've been under the assumption Shidou was an experienced dater, that people wanted to be with him because he was both handsome and genuine.

"Oi oi RinRin. Wake up."

"I'm awake." He mumbled into the table.

"Let's go on a date! I only have one week because you're a stingy bastard."

"I'm tired."

Shidou lifted him out of his seat with ease, slinging his lanky body over his shoulder and carrying him up the stairs. Shidou threw him down on his bed with a smirk.

"I'm gonna shower, don't move."

"Or what?"

"Or i'll kiss ya."

Rin followed Shidou, taking a seat at the stool in silence. Listening to Shidou sing obnoxiously to his music, getting lost in his thoughts once again.

He wondered how the nature of their relationship would change, or if it would change - Shidou had always been too close, overly friendly. He let his passions and desires consume him and Rin assumed he loved the same way he worked.

Bold, with vigour, with care, insane attention to detail yet a hint of selfishness.

He wasn't sure if he was ready to be so exposed.

If he was ready for someone to tear away at his flesh and rip out his heart.

Did he have the capacity to love the same way as Shidou?

Could he trust Shidou enough to let himself fall?

"Towel, Rin chan."

Shidou stood completely nude in front of Rin, water pooling at his feet.

Rin glanced once, twice, three times before looking away indefinitely.

"I forgot virgin RinRin's never seen another man naked before."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Look at me."

Rin focused on his face, how he looked without his usual eyeliner and mascara, the assortment of silver jewellery embellishing his face,  the droplets of water dripping off the pink tips of hair resting at his clavicles. Eyes trailing down his sculpted torso and navel piercing with a football gem, his defined v line, flaccid penis and very apparent, stretched genital piercing. Rin ignored the scars littered over his body, landing on a small, minimally designed lotus tattoo on his thigh encompassed by a dragonfly and two names Rin instinctively assumed belonged to his grandparents.

"What was worse, the initial piercing or the stretching?" Rin asked, pointing at his dick.

"Aftercare was a bitch. The piercing only hurt for like four seconds and I stretched it properly so It didn't hurt." Shidou said, using the towel Rin gave him to dry his hair instead of coverup, as they made their way into the bedroom, stepping into a pair of grey joggers and throwing himself onto his bed.

"I waited to get high with you."

"What if I don't wanna ge- AH." Rin yelped as Shidou dragged him down into bed.

"Relax, dude."

"Are you smoking?"

"I was gonna do some lines. We can smoke if you want."

"I'd prefer it."

"Anything for you baby. Wanna roll your own?"

"I dunno how."

"Grind it up with a cigarette, put this at the end," he handed Rin a rolled up piece of what he thought was cardboard.

"Roll it like this, you gotta tuck it tight or it'll smoke like shit, lick it and you're done." He elucidated.

"What the fuck it ain't as simple as you made it look." Trying not to show his frustration at his lack of rolling skills, he wanted his first try to be perfect.

Shidou took over, rolling the rest of Rin's joint, heading to the balcony which had a small glass table and only a single chair. Shidou was still shirtless despite the chill in the evening air, holding Rin by his waist, pulling him down as he sat.

"Let's share them." Shidou lit the joint, inhaling three times before exhaling and handing it to Rin. Their exchanges were silent, listening to the world around them.

As night fell, the streets only got busier, yet from their balcony, it was still so quiet; the wind numbing Rin's ears, the joint heating him back up.

He felt content, relaxing into Shidou's body.

His inebriated lenience resurfacing with every inhale.

Shidou's cold hands snaked around his slim waist, gently testing the waters; teetering on the edge of an almost uncomfortable feeling for Rin.

He took deeper breaths, reminding himself, right now, this week, it was his  boyfriend touching him.

His clothed back on Shidou's bare chest, his hand resting on Rin's waistband started making him overheat despite the coolness of the air.

He started fidgeting, fighting the urge to get up or slap his hands away.

"Oi. Stop moving man."

"Shut up, you're fucking uncomfortable."

"Keep moving and i'm gonna get hard. Y'know I ain't wearing any underwear."

"Urg." Rin stood, but Shidou pulled him back down again.

"Wanna smoke the next one?"

"Ain't you cold yet?"

"Not cold or high enough."

They smoked the next one, Rin standing over the balcony, Shidou next to him, silence ensued as they continued.

Shidou grabbed Rin by the wrist to face him, inhaling the joint deeply, taking two steps forward, their lips an inch away, slowly exhaling the smoke into his slightly open mouth. Once Rin realised Shidou's intentions, he opened his mouth wider, inhaling the line of smoke that trailed out of Shidou's mouth.

After smoking, Shidou was shivering, crawling into bed and turning the TV onto the horror movie channel. Rin sat awkwardly on top of the sheets despite Shidou being under them.

Everything feeling dimmed, he felt light yet heavy simultaneously as he focused on the random movie.

"Hey Rin, wanna experiment?"

"Huh?"

"Get into bed, sleep in here tonight."

Rin's breath caught in his throat.

"Why?"

"Making the most of our week as boyfriends, you gotta sleep here every night."

Rin scooted into bed, under the sheets and Shidou almost pounced on him.

"Can I kiss you?"

"I-" Rin considered, "yeah..."

"You ain't kissed anyone before?"

Rin just shook his head, sitting up fully to face Shidou, he was nervous, his toes instintively curled as Shidou brushed a lock of hair out of his face, behind his ear.

"I'll go slow. I'll be gentle." He whispered, leaning in, brushing their lips to gauge Rin's response, before pecking his lips.

"You gotta tell me how you're feeling babe."

"Fine. K-keep going." His face heating as he stuttered unintentionally. His ears ringing as Shidou leaned in again, tilting his head, placing small pecks on Rin's soft lips. He didn't protest, so Shidou continued.

"Close your eyes."

Rin complied, long lashes fluttering closed after a minute of internal deliberation.

Shidou cupped his jaw, tilting his head to the opposite side as he kissed him again. A subtle peck, Rin reciprocated, clenching the sheets, squeezing his eyes shut as to not open them by accident.

"Good boy. Wanna go further?"

Rin hummed.

"Open your mouth, just a little." Shidou guided, giving Rin a few open mouthed kisses before pulling back an inch, their noses still touching.

Rin kept his eyes closed, delicate wisps of lashes resting on his cheeks, so Shidou continued.

He nibbled his lip gently, stroking his hair, before kissing him again, pressing their lips together harder than before, pulling away, licking Rin's bottom lip.

But Rin was at his limit, opening his eyes and pushing Shidou away completely.

He abruptly got out of bed, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him, half running to the bathroom, locking the door. His fists clenched as he felt warmth spread through his body.

He swallowed thickly, touching his lips, he could still feel Shidou's lips on his. The sensation of his hands caressing his face.

His breath hitched, involuntary tears falling.

It felt good, and that horrified him more than anything.

Someone as disgusting as him didn't deserve to feel good.

Rin felt putrid, contaminated.

All the places he touched tingled.

He felt good, he needed to negate that feeling, so he let himself feel ashamed instead.

It was just a kiss, it was barely a kiss, he repeated, like a mantra.

His fingers dug into the flesh of his arms as he curled into himself habitually, letting his nails break the skin, the familiar churning of his unsettled stomach causing him to hold himself tighter, to grip his flesh harder.

The churning shame masking the pleasurable fluttering at the base of his stomach.

When Shidou closed his eyes, was he pretending he was Sae?

Did he wish he was kissing Sae instead?

Experienced, older, better, was Sae's kisses passionate and sensual as opposed to clumsy and borderline juvenile?

Did Shidou open his eyes and wish he was looking into cloudy teal eyes instead of dark, violent  teal ones?

Did he wish he was gripping lighter, auburn locks instead of jet black ones?

He didn't know how much time passed, how long it took him to calm down and unlock the door.

He expected Shidou to be in bed, but he was sitting outside the door, two cigarettes resting in an ashtray, one already lit, almost burnt out between his fingers.

Shidou didn't say anything, patting the floor on the other side of the ashtray.

Rin slid down the wall dejectedly and Shidou placed one between his lips, leaning in, pressing the ends of their cigarettes together, watching one light the other wordlessly.

"Do you think i'm pitiful and disgusting yet?" Rin asked finally.

"Do you think i'm clingy, overbearing and embarrassing to be around yet?" Shidou rebutted.

For once their silence spoke for them. 

Chapter Text

Rin woke up in Shidou's bed, without Shidou in it beside him. Upon further inspection, he found the other lounging in the sun on the balcony periodically scrolling through his phone and answering emails.

The sun was bright, but the air held a chill.

Shidou was almost naked on the balcony aside from his favourite pink zebra print boxers; eyes closed, a cigarette between his fingers, his nail polish chipped and his grown out hair blowing in the wind.

Based on the sway of his hair alone, Rin knew it was too cold to be so bare outside. Yet he still walked out in his t-shirt and shorts, opening the door to the balcony where Shidou was mumbling to himself, a replacement to his usual screams.

Sometimes he would say, 'It's a quiet day.'

He guessed it was one of those days.

As usual, they were getting ready for work, Shidou blasting his music in the bathroom

Rin was beginning to get accustomed to his music, their taste turned out to be more similar than he would have originally anticipated. 

Desire by Luna Sea was a song he played almost everyday in the shower, he found himself humming along as he sat at the kitchen table drinking a cup of green tea, ipad set out in front of him. 

//

Violently, my heart is so taken with you it feels like it’ll burst from my chest

Violently, I’m not afraid of being cut to pieces either

No matter how much of my heart is stolen, even if I destroy you

Violently, so that I can’t even breathe, now a kiss…

Violently, let me ardently embrace it closely, your past and sadness too…

Unending, no one can stop it

Why is time falling, why am I falling in love

Ah, I just lose my mind to the point that it’s scary

//

His tongue sticking out slightly as he focused on the final details of the piece he had been working on for the past two weeks.

The wet drips of Shidou's hair on his neck pulling him out of his trance.

His hand flew to his neck, wiping the water away, snapping at Shidou.

"What the fuck?"

"Sorry sorry, RinRin this is sick! I mean... gory as fuck as usual but shit. What is it some kinda metaphor?"

"Chess is commonly used as a motif for battle." He mumbled, still immersed in the sketch.

"I didn't know you were into chess."

"I ain't. Its just an interesting concept."

"Let's do a piece together."

"No."

"C'mon. It'll be an art explosion!"

"No."

"Then let's paint some canvases together, separately but together y'know."

"Not interested. I don't have time for canvases. Bob cut has his tattoo this morning."

"Did he choose the cute little bee? I'm working at the bar tonight."

"No, the regular bee. I thought you quit that job."

"Eh. I did but I still have a few shifts left or they ain't gonna pay me."

"What time?"

"8pm to 3am."

"Shit timing."

"Come to the bar tonight."

"Hell no."

"Then meet me after, roll one for us while i'm there."

"No."

"I know you're gonna come."

"Whatever. Hurry up and stop wasting my time."

"Wanna smoke now?"

"Are you stupid? Don't answer. I know you're also too much of a dumbass to know when a question is rhetorical."

"It'll help you relax before your first ever tattoo! Trust me."

"Tch. As if."

Shidou leaned down, moving his hair to expose his neck, kissing it lightly before biting aggressively.

"You animal." Rin huffed weakly, gripping his pen without complaint as he bit down harder, he was sure Shidou had drawn blood at this point. Clenching his jaw as teeth sunk further into the flesh of his exposed neck.

A wet tongue trailed up his neck, collecting the singular drip of blood.

It was bestial, yet sensuous.

The metallic ball of his tongue piercing making his hair stand on end.

"I wanna make out with you." Shidou sighed, admiring the red bite mark on Rin's neck.

"Not interested."

"C'mon, no good morning kiss?"

"No."

"You're lying. You're totally into me AND you wanna kiss me."

"Delusional as usual." Rin dismissed. Even as his skin burned, blood thrumming torrid through his veins, he felt guilty.

Like a filthy sinner.

Perpetually undeserving of the touch of another.

Instead of expanding his portfolio for modelling, creating a social media account, or drawing pieces to enhance his artistic capabilities, Rin was too busy obsessing over how he felt.

Fingertips tracing his skin like glass to crudely grip his hair, the oscillation between tender touches and the salacious desire for desolation each juxtaposing his naturally abstemious, austere nature.

Was 'allowing' an act of redemption or condemnation?

Going to the shop together was a lot easier, Shidou opened which gave Rin more time to spend on drawing in peace. It was 8am so they were already late; Shidou had to leave his hair undone, applying his eyeliner when they arrived.

After an hour of Shidou complaining about his shift, at 10am on the dot, Aryu arrived with Bachira.

"RIN CHAN! I'm ready for my tattoo!" Bachira waved his arm around hyperactively.

"This one right?" Rin scrolled through his sketches, landing on the drawing of a bee ; it was simple line art, semi realistic and devoid of colour, he thought it was plain and uncharacteristic of Bachira yet refrained from voicing his opinion.

"Yeah! Yeah!"

"Rin, your line art is extremely clean and you have a steady hand so remember to focus on depth; too deep and the lines will become blown out and it will not look neat anymore. That's not glam at all." Aryu reminded, following Rin to the back to watch as he begun preparing the stencil. 

"Right, yeah.."

"Baby bees first tattoo." Shidou teased.

"I'm glad its Rin chan doing my first tattoo."

"Its tiny, barely even a tattoo." Rin commented, rolling his eyes.

"You know this isn't my kinda thing, i just want to get one done by you, Rin chan."

"How'd you even start working here then?"

"I used to pierce people illegally when i was at art school. I done half of Ryu chans, that's how we became best friends."

"You went to art school, so why're you piercing and working at a coffee shop instead of doing art?"

"Aha... sore subject, Rin chan.. If I do art again I wanna do it for fun, maybe like teaching little kids or something. I love art but it took a lot outta me." He sighed, taking his dull, yellow sweater off to throw it on the chair, revealing a plain t-shirt with a small bee design on the breast pocket. He decided he wanted the bee tattoo to be situated above his right elbow.

"Oh." Rin awkwardly shuffled around the room, sanitising the chair, placing down the paper, preparing the needles, inks and tattoo gun, silently wishing he never asked.

It was Rin's first tattoo, yet he was not nervous at all, he thought he would feel more excited, more accomplished, but he just wanted to get it over with. To prove his capabilities so he can move on to larger, more intricate pieces worthy of his time.

He already knew exactly what to do, securing the needle into the gun with nimble, gloved fingers; applying the stencil onto Bachira's freshly shaven skin as Shidou and Aryu stood watching wordlessly on the sidelines.

With the low buzz of the tattoo machine, Bachira spoke again, a distraction from the uncomfortable sensation of the needle.

"Wanna get something to eat later?"

"Sorry Bachira, I have an important meeting tonight." Aryu said with a simple pose.

"I got a shift at the bar Meg chan, tomorrow?"

"I'm going on a date with Yoichi tomorrow.." Bachira pouted.

"Rinrin lets go on a date too."

"Die."

"After the date."

"First Sae now Rin chan... Ryusei, keep your hands to yourself. You don't actually like him do you? You guys fight every single day."

"We-" Shidou started, but Rin placed the tattoo machine down abruptly, interrupting him, "we are amicable. He's letting me stay in his home, it ain't a big deal. Both of you shut up."

"Wait, the shower thing too, you guys are totally fucking behind me and Aryu's back."

"What shower thing?" Aryu asked, perking up and hovering over Rin's shoulder as he proceeded with the tattoo.

"We were hanging at Ryu chan's, Rin chan burst in and dragged him into the bathroom for like forty minutes! Ryusei came back and Rin didn't, it had to be sex right?"

"Wrong. I showered after my run, that's it." Rin stated, ignoring the eyes that bored into his soul. It sounded like an excuse, he knew, yet feigned  indifference as to not suspiciously overcompensate.

Bachira speculating if he and Shidou were intimate, in any capacity let alone whilst he was present, made shame ignite in his chest.

He didn't, he wouldn't, he couldn't .

Even as a topic of conversation, it made Rin recoil.

It unsettled him, nauseated him, revolted him to the core.

It exposed his insecurities, eternalising the notion that he was someone that engaged and even enjoyed acts of a sexual nature.

It infuriated him, to not understand visceral fragments of himself, to want yet not to want. To succumb, yet to feel pugnacious, grotesque and disfigured internally as a result.

"Right, he showered, I watched." Shidou added.

"I don't know." Aryu pondered, raising a brow, "sounds like you two had sex to me."

Bachira swallowed thickly, his tattoo was nearing completion and he couldn't shake the feeling they were lying.

"You guys like each other?"

"I'm done, get up." Rin said, ending the conversation right before Shidou could chime in and expose their flimsy, unclassified relationship.

He let Bachira see his tattoo, applying a gel ointment, tattoo wrap and cleaning his workspace in more, prolonged silence.

Bachira left for work with few words after his tattoo was finished, preoccupied and over observing the pairs actions toward each other.

Shidou and Aryu were busy discussing their upcoming show, leaving Rin to his own devices.

Leaving him to watch Shidou from his peripheral. To imagine his touch, yet know he would feel too guilty to indulge.

The guilt masticated away at his stomach and mind regardless, he was forcing Shidou to keep to himself, to conceal his sexuality and inhibit his naturally erotic, unchaste personality.

Rin knew how hard it was for Shidou to hold back everyday.

He was more patient than anyone in his life had given him credit for.

More patient than Rin had given him credit for.

One of the many nights he carried Shidou to bed, he would hold him tighter, whisper incoherently about how much he wanted him. He was scared of pushing too hard, of taking too much. Rin had no words nor actions to quell his thoughts or sooth his doubts.

Even on those nights, he convinced himself those words were also just half truths, forbidden words not meant for his ears.

Rin craved normalcy, not the inside of a therapists office crying about how his issues with intimacy derived from his both his parents and his brothers copious years of absence from before his age even hit double digits.

How he was the brother of Japan's National Treasure, the failure little brother of The Prodigy, the international supermodel, Itoshi Sae.

That he cannot be touched because his parents made him feel secondary to his brother.

Undeserving of praise. Unworthy of love.

How his fear of being touched stemmed from his fear of opening himself up and being left to rot with his organs already unveiled as a present for the wildlife.

But he knew, if he was left to rot, his putrid corpse would still be left untouched.

If his brother didn't stay, why would anyone else?

He even questioned if his desire for Shidou was out of spite of Sae, if it was simply to take something away from him to make him feel a segment of the pain he does.

Only three hours before Shidou's bar shift ended, Rin decided to head to his workplace. Seeing Shidou work made him feel weird, his hair was fixed in his signature style, gelled up with two pieces at the front, his eyeliner, sharp and thick, his lashes long and dark brown, the usual blonde masked by the mascara he used that evening.

He couldn’t help concentrating on the sticky gleam of his lips under the lights of the bar, glossy with a red tint, he already knew those lips tasted like artificial cherry, sickly sweet yet moorish.

Rin made a mental note, blonde suited Shidou best.

The brown mascara was dull, instead of accentuating, it obscured one of Rin’s favourite things about the blonde; the allure he held in his pink eyes.

He adored his predilection towards intense eye contact, the way his eyes undressed him, peeling off his skin like it’s made of fabric, gouging at his vulnerable, exposed, flesh.

Eyes that intentionally pierced into his soul because Rin unconsciously allowed him to do so.

Tanned skin and blonde lashes made his glassy pink eyes coruscate.

Shidou’s area at the bar was packed already.

Drunk people swarming around, ordering and spilling drinks over the countertops and floors creating a syrupy mess Rin hoped Shidou was not in charge of cleaning up tonight.

Pink eyes were on him almost as soon as he sat down in the only empty space at the bar, the discomfort consumed him, surrounded by sweaty bodies and an off putting amalgamation of sweat and perfume, alcohol and other unknown elements Rin couldn’t put his finger on. Bars made him shudder, they reminded him of college, of attempted hook ups and avoidable feelings.

It wasn’t fun if Shidou’s attention wasn’t all on him.

The small glances and suppressed smirks weren’t enough, it just made him pout and decide to order a drink to help the time pass faster. Before he even considered the drink he wanted, a bartender with cyan hair and pale cyan eyes to match, handed Rin a glass, shouting over the music about it being ‘on the house’, with a wink.

A vodka lemonade.

Basic, not bad, but not his favourite.

Therefore, not from Shidou, who kept looking in his direction, clearly elated at Rin’s mere presence.

Maybe it was the whole ‘boyfriend thing’, but Rin couldn’t help the jealousy rising in his chest as people let their hands linger on Shidou’s, as women with pungent perfume threw themselves flagrantly at him. He watched men slip him tips with inefficiently hidden pieces of paper attached with their numbers, Shidou simply winked and accepted the money with the blow of a kiss.

“Shidou’s popular.” The guy with the blue hair told him, sliding another drink to replace the empty one gripped between Rin’s fingers.

“What?” Rin asked, forcing himself out of his daydream, forcing himself to stop scrutinising every interaction happening on the adjacent area of the bar, to strain his ears trying to hear the guy in front of him.

“You’ve been starin’ at that guy since you got here.”

“So?”

“Nothin' just tell me when you want a refill, drinks are on me tonight, you're hot." The guy walked away before Rin could thank him, or tell him the popular guy was currently acting as his boyfriend for the week.

From his peripheral, Rin could see Shidou watching their exchange, ignoring the guy waving in his face to take the groups order to look at him sipping his second drink of the hour.

Everyone was either engrossed in conversation or the music, pushing past Rin's back to find their friends or make out with their partners, it was hard not to lose to his temper. To lash out at the people around him having the time of their life in a random bar on a random night.

The blue haired bartender returned to Rin after taking a plethora of orders, leaning over the counter to remove his two empty glasses.

The dread was beginning to subside as he received his third, the bartender handed him a different drink, bright pink, decorated with a lime wedge, a straw and an umbrella.

"From Shidou." The blue haired man raised an eyebrow, pushing his sleeves up, revealing a tattoo Rin recognised, the yoRHa logo from Nier Automata.

"You into gaming?" Rin asked, taking a sip of his drink, trying not to smile at the reprehensibly saccharine, Shidou-esque liquid flooding his tastebuds.

"Huh?" He leaned closer across the bar to hear Rin's question.

"Your tattoo, NieR;Automata right?" Rin raised his voice, pointing at his arm.

"Ah yeah! Sick, you into gaming too? You should follow my twitch I stream a lot. My names Hiori Yo, by the way, yours?"

"Itoshi Rin. I play horror games."

"You stream?"

"Stream? nah."

"Follow me on Twitch." Hiori repeated, peering around before taking his phone out, sliding it across the counter so Rin could scroll through his account. He streamed a lot, almost daily, with ten thousand followers, Rin was impressed, snatching a pen to write his username on his hand.

Making a mental note that he needs to buy a new phone as soon as he can.

"I stream with other guys, Isagi, Kurona and Nanase, you should follow them too." He continued.

"Isagi? Bob cuts boyfriend?"

"Bob cut?" Hiori repeated with a chuckle.

"Isagi Yoichi's boyfriend, Bachira Meguru."

"Ah yeah him, you know Isagi? He's my best friend."

"I know Bachira Meguru."

"I don't really know Bachira. You?"

"We work together."

"At the café?"

"Tattoo parlour. With that guy." Rin was going to point to where Shidou was, but he had been replaced by someone he had never seen before.

"Shidou Ryusei?"

"Mm."

"He's on break, we're probably gonna swap after, so can I have your number by any chance?"

"Uh..." Rin was always hit on anywhere he went, people asked for his number, for photos, if he was related to Itoshi Sae. But it was his first time being hit on whilst having a 'boyfriend.'

Was he supposed to say no? Was he supposed to expose a relationship that may never pass the seventh day? Was he supposed to give this bartender his number for giving him free drinks for over an hour?

Hiori was nice, Rin was tispy, Shidou wouldn't mind. Right?

Rin gestured for Hiori to hand his phone over again, typing in his number.

"Can I watch one?" Rin held up a video of Hiori's latest stream. 

"Sure." Hiori said, pulling a pair of tangled, wired earphones out of his pocket, throwing them on top of his phone.

"Same drink?" He asked, absentmindedly twirling the umbrella in the glass between his fingers with a smile.

"Yeah, thanks."

Rin was tired, three hours had almost passed since his arrival, fourty since he last saw Shidou, finishing the final remnants of his drink. The music wasn't as daunting, the bar, not as claustrophobic and the people brushing past him barely registered anymore. His chest was bubbly, his mind, teetering on empty, he shouldn't drink anymore, but Hiori just kept replacing each drink like clockwork.

He could've declined, but he was having a good time, waiting to go home, to smoke on the balcony, to sit on his lap, the hairs at the back of his neck standing on end with each breath, hands slightly rougher and larger caressing his exposed skin, lips on his neck.

His mind reliving his morning, sharp canines piercing his neck, the throb of his skin, the heat that rose from the pin prick wound, the wet tongue that soothed the dull pain.

Even the thought of wanting to be intimate made his skin crawl and shame rise as each minute passed.

He wanted to be pinned down and devoured.

Besmirched.

Consumed in his entirety.

Defiled.

Eaten alive, bones and all.

Mauled.

His own desires sickened him to his stomach.

He didn't deserve to want the touch of another.

"Rin chan. Hey baby, I finished early." Shidou was already dressed in casual clothes, ready to go home at 2:45am.

"Baby?" Hiori leaned over the counter again to hear Shidou better, despite not being involved in the conversation at all.

"Huh? I'm leaving now Hiyo chan." Shidou tapped a distracted Rin's shoulder, pulling his sweatshirt like a child before placing his elbows on the counter next to him to find Rin on Hiori's phone watching a video with earphones in.

He paused the video, waving at Rin, sliding Hiori's belongings back over the counter.

"Hm?" Rin hummed, pressing his back into Shidou's chest without thought.

"RinRin you're so drunk. Dude how much did you give him to drink?"

"Only around 5 drinks, maybe 6, a few guys bought him shots. I'm surprised he gave me his number, he spent all night staring at you.”

"He what?"

"Spent his whole time staring at you."

"The other thing."

"He gave me his number." Hiori shouted.

"Urg. I fucking knew it. That’s my boyfriend, dude, seriously, Rin?"

Hiori shrugged, grimacing in discomfort, waving goodbye awkwardly as the pair left.

Shidou tried not to feel irritated about Rin giving up his number to random men when it was so hard, almost impossible to get Rin to even have a conversation with him when they met. His irritation, however, could not linger with how clingy and almost sweet he was acting towards him.

As he stumbled into the car, fumbling in his pockets for a cigarette, pulling out a badly rolled joint and a lighter, handing it over to him.

Shidou could only smirk, securing Rin into the passenger seat before asking, “why’d you give Hiori your number? Wait, first, why didn’t you tell him you had a boyfriend straight away?”

It took a while for Rin to respond, as if he forgot, engrossed in the scenery whirring past him.

After five minutes, he broke the silence.

“It’s only for seven days, I ain’t gonna date that guy, we just play the same games.”

“What do you mean its only for seven days? And delete his fucking number.”

“This, dating, whatever you wanna call it, we’re breaking up after this.”

“What?” Shidou parked the car, they weren’t even near the house before he unbuckled his seatbelt to confront Rin properly. He knew he should’ve just gone home, spoken about the future of their relationship when Rin wasn’t on the verge of slurring his words and swaying in conjunction with the car at each turning, but he couldn’t wait.

"You're not seriously breaking up with me after seven days."

"I have to. I make everyone miserable Shidou, I don't wanna make you miserable.."

"Call me Ryusei."

"Huh?"

"Call me Ryusei or Ryu chan or something cuter. Not Shidou."

"Did Sae call you Ryu?"

"Ryusei or demon."

"Demon?"

"Stop focusing on Sae, why'd you wanna break up? Is it because I kissed you?"

Rin chuckled, holding his hand over his mouth to hide his smile.

He assumed their fighting would've been the most obvious choice, maybe their blatant incompatibility, instead, he chose the correct one and it sounded laughably stupid coming out of someone else's mouth.
As if Rin was blind to notion that someone would want to get to know him, to see him when they were at work and at home.
That someone would want to kiss him and deal with his woes regardless of what it entailed. 

If he was not so self loathing, he would've believed the voice in his head that tried to ingrain Shidou's infatuation into his mind at all hours.

Through the eyes of the other, he looked so beautiful, his loose, navy v-neck sweater was slightly dishevelled, lazily hanging off his shoulder, Shidou could see him clearly in the moonlight. As his hair unintentionally blew out of his face, he noticed eyeliner under his eyes, a pale flush on his cheeks and a glint of amusement in his eyes.

Seeing a smile so genuine made his heart pulsate, weak in his chest.

Before the silence could be broken, Rin crawled out of his seat, clumsily hitting his head at the top to sit in Shidou's lap awkwardly. He vastly underestimated his height and the length of his limbs, but that didn't stop him from leaning down to peck Shidou on the lips.

"I've been thinking about that stupid fucking cherry lip gloss for hours. I want to punch you in the face."

"You're wearing my makeup, sitting on my lap after telling me you're breaking up with me in a week."

"So?"

"Why?" Shidou demanded, "I ain't gonna let you sit here and avoid telling me the reason. Got it?"

"I date to die."

"Crazy confession, you wanna date forever? I can arrange that Rinrin."

"If you wanna end up hating me, sure, whatever, I don't care."

"You ain't as bad or as horrible or as, I don't fucking know, as you think you are, Rin. I like you, so, just go out with me. None of this seven day bullshit."

"...Okay."

"And fucking delete that guys number when he texts you."

"Okay."

"Cool, let's make out."

"No." Rin struggled back into his seat, facing the window, pointedly ignoring Shidou. "Drive."

"You look really pretty tonight, eyeliner suits you so well, thanks for coming." Shidou said earnestly. "Oh and for thinking about my lips covered in cherry lipgloss for hours." He licked his lips. "Oh and the kiss." He finished, smirking and biting his bottom lip, only because he knew Rin was watching.

"Shut up." Rins words held a sharp edge, yet his ears were red, his face, hot.

When they got home, Rin was being clingier than ever, whining "don't go", as Shidou left him to shower. Not forgetting to prepare Rin a couple of cotton pads soaked in makeup remover for his eyeliner.

Rin changed into Shidou's clothes, that were already set out for him on his bed, smoking the crumpled, saggy joint he rolled as he waited, the scent of sandalwood incense, Shidou's laundry detergent and weed surrounded him, aiding his relaxation.

A jostle of the bed woke Rin up, unaware of the fact he had fallen asleep to begin with.

"Rinrin.."

"Mm."

"Daddy's back."

"Urg." Rin screwed his face up in disgust, crawling over to Shidou, pressing his back to his chest, letting his eyes close as an arm snaked around his waist. His body was warm, slightly damp and inviting.

The rise and fall of his chest echoed through Rin's body, a methodic, oddly familiar sensation.

The forbidden, comforting embrace of another.

"I love you." Shidou blurted out.

"Don't believe you." Rin responded sleepily.

"I like you, I don't give a shit if you don't believe me."

"Just don't leave me for Sae."

"I ain't leaving you for anyone, dumbass. How about you don't leave me."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Mhm."

"Do-" Shidou hesitated.

"Say it."

"Do you even like me?"

"I guess, I ain't done this before. I don't... understand... how I feel... or what it is... or... what to label it."

"Alright."

"I-"

"It's alright."

Rin knew his words were failing him, he felt Shidou shift uncomfortably, he felt him slouch, he upset him. He couldn't say I love you, he couldn't even admit to liking him. The words clogged his throat and inhibited his ability to breathe.

So he turned to face him, teal irises boring into pink ones, he saw Shidou's lips moving, but his ears were too fuzzy to hear anything aside from static, white noise.

Clinging onto his t-shirt, closing his eyes as he kissed him, pressing their lips together instead of just a peck.

He gripped harder, parting his lips, and Shidou got the hint, slipping his tongue into Rin's partially open mouth, his goosebumps becoming increasingly more apparent as teeth sunk into his bottom lip.

As the kiss deepened Rin froze up.

"Its okay Rin, stop thinking, it feels good, Right? Let it feel good. Pleasure is natural, it's just part of being human." Shidou encouraged, rubbing small circles on Rin's back, before initiating the next kiss.

He expected Rin to pull away or decline, but he let his eyes close once again, as proof of his trust, tangible evidence of the 'love' he could not admit to feeling.

He couldn't help the moans that escaped his lips, muffled by Shidou's. Their kiss was slow, messy as their tongues collided, their teeth clanked and their noses bumped.

It was inexperienced yet impassioned.

He could feel Shidou's tongue piercing exploring his mouth as they kissed, and when he pulled away.

With whispers and moans of 'good boy' spurring him on, the hands in his hair pulling him in for more, he chose to ignore the warning signs, letting himself succumb to pleasure, to be kissed and treated gently.

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the weed, maybe it was just for tonight.

Chapter Text

RIN

Happy birthday, nii chan

Recently, Shidou was snappier than usual. Agitated, slamming doors and starting arguments over seemingly insignificant mundanities. Like groceries.

"I don't wanna go with you today." Rin complained, hunched over his ipad.

"You never want to get the fucking groceries. The fridge has been empty for weeks! Get the fuck up."

"I'm busy."

"You always do this, it's like youre trying to piss me off. Can we go to the fucking grocery store now?"

"No."

"You're so fucking annoying." 

"I don't care."

"Asshole." Shidou said, both middle fingers aimed at Rin before he slammed the door behind him.

Sluggishness overtook his usual vigour. His motivation dwindled, he found himself thinking 'I don't wanna do this.'

Mornings spent on the balcony turned into mornings Rin had to drag him out of bed to go to work.

Nightly highs turned to morning ones, as Rin snatched a joint out of his hand at 6am. 

"What the fuck is going on with you antennae head?"

"What?"

"You're acting... weird."

"I ain't. I'm just tired."

"I barely see you at home."

"Want me to cling to you every second of everyday?"

Yeah. Rin wanted to say. He wanted to spend all of his time with Shidou. He let himself get comfortable, he let himself slip.

"Wanna...talk about it?"

"Nothing to talk about Rinrin. I'm picking up today, want anything specific?"

"No. I wanna talk."

"Lets talk about what drugs you want."

"Ain't you doing too much?"Rin pressed, holding up the lit joint with a raised brow.

"Maybe. I don't care. You like it too right?"

"I mean... yeah... but its not..."

"Not what?"

"Productive. You smoke and you wanna lay around, you stopped sewing, you ain't picked up your sketchbook in days."

"I need a break."

"You need to focus on your fucking work."

"Just gimme a few more days. I ain't going to work, I just wanna stay at home in bed."

"Why?"

"It makes me feel good."

"No. Working out makes you feel good. Getting better, working harder, achieving your fucking goals and being at your best makes you fucking feel good."

"Hah... sometimes."

"Fine."

"I wanna spend all day getting high with you. Just for a few days. If you want."

Rin agreed with a slight nod.

A segment of him felt the same way.

He was tired. 

Waking up everyday was a chore worse than a sink full of never ending dishes.

He wanted to crawl into his favourite Sae shaped hole; he wanted his brother, to talk to him, to spend time with him, to hug him, to feel him pat his head and praise him.

No. 

He wanted to be free from Sae's shackles. 
From the voice in his head that sounded just like his older brother; taunting and degrading.

Rin hadn't had Sae in a long time. 

But he had Shidou. 

He suppressed his desire for a break. For another two or three weeks of peaceful pain, to forget, to reset. A return to his own personal hell, the hole he carved out for himself, the negativity he let consume his soul, to feel 'normal.'

Shidou gave him security, he gave him a place to live, he bought the groceries, he started making him clothes, he made sure Rin felt comfortable, that he didn't have to get another job so he could focus on his art.

All Shidou wanted was to spend time with him, to keep him close, as if he needed someone at all times. The loneliness enveloped him for years, for so long, the moment he had someone, he done everything in his power to keep them.

He sacrificed his sanity for sex.

Pleasure took precedence.

He didn't care about how little he received as long as it made him feel good in the moment.

He over sacrificed, over gave, he ceaselessly craved.

Rin needed pain, Shidou, pleasure.

They gravitated towards each other.

Gradually confiding in each other.

Discarding fragments of themselves for the other to find and pick up like a clue.

Their words failed them, their moods fluctuated inconsistently, they walked around each other in silence, begrudgingly eating dinner alone on days their light bickering turned to fights. Rin holed himself up for days, then Shidou, then Rin again.

But Shidou always pushed, because he knew Rin would pull. He pushed, because he knew Rin would cave.

Their relationship only got scarier. They had to trust genuinely, to fix as opposed to just walking away.

Rin denied his feelings, shunned them, rejected them, whereas Shidou embraced his, he enjoyed being connected to himself emotionally, to express himself to the fullest extent.

The only person aside from themselves that threatened to destroy their relationship, was Sae, their biggest divider.

"It was Sae's birthday last week." Shidou commented, scrolling through Instagram, cigarette  in hand.

"So?"

"That's why you've been such a moody fucking bitch."

"Speak for yourself. How'd you know it was his birthday? When's mine?" Rin asked despite already knowing the answer.

"I- you never told me."

"Right."

"When's mine?"

"July 7th."

"Shit."

"Bastard."

"You don't care about all that right?"

"You knew Sae's..."

"He's famous!"

"Why'd you still check his Instagram account?"

"Just curious. Wanna see what he's up to."

"Right."

"What now?"

"Stop acting like i'm such a fucking burden when I ask shit like that. It ain't my fault our whole relationship revolves around Sae. You're the one that begged for his number when we first met."

"I'm over it. You bring this crap up every week."

"Whatever."

"Tell me your birthday."

"No."

"Stop being a bitch, tell me, does Meg chan know?"

"September 9th."

"So he does know and I missed your birthday."

"So?" Rin said, raking his fingers through his hair with a sigh.

Shidou rolled his eyes, "you're such a hypocrite. You make a fucking fuss over the shit I know about Sae but you refuse to tell me shit."

"That doesn't make me a hypocrite."

"Makes you an asshole." Shidou mumbled, grabbing his packet of cigarettes, his phone and leaving Rin alone in his bedroom.

Rin simply raised his eyebrows in an uncaring manner, the last thing on his mind was celebrating his own birthday. It was the first year since sixteen that he hadn't seen or heard from Sae on his birthday, no message, no call, just silence.

His birthday was just another day, he locked himself in his room and waited for midnight.

He expected Shidou to be mad in some capacity, to storm out of the house to go and meet up with anyone except Rin, as if he had enough of seeing his face and needed to escape.

Oftentimes, when he needed a break, he would be found alongside Bachira at the café or Aryu at his studio.

Instead, Shidou came back after an hour, bursting into the room holding out a plastic bag.

Rin looked up, then at the bag, and up at Shidou again.

"What?"

"Open it, asshole."

With hesitance, he took the bag, unveiling a medium sized owl plush, two items of clothing and a card.

He opened the card first,

To the asshole that never told me his birthday,

I love you,

Happy birthday.

From Ryu <3

He unravelled the first garment, it was a structured leather jacket with a high, belted collar, slightly cropped, navy fur trim with contrast blue stitching and zipper.

The pockets were large with matching blue zippers. Each sleeve had two belted details to go with the collar.

Rin noticed Shidou loved belts, studs and distressing his clothes, they all had a variation of detailing, on his sweaters, his jackets and trousers. His current leather jacket, was the one Sae gifted him after a job in Italy. It was thick, vintage leather, durable, yet plain. 

An internal piece of Rin recognised how much attention to detail Shidou put into the jacket, a tiny owl embroidered on the secret inside pocket, the silky lining and stitching in his favourite shade of blue. 

One of the two interior pockets was the perfect size for a packet of cigarettes and a slim lighter.

Each feature custom made, just for him.

The second garment was a t-shirt that had 'I hate my (hot) boyfriend' written out in little blue gems for Rin, pink, for Shidou as he made one for each of them.

"I made everything, except the card, duh."

"You-"

"A kiss is good." Shidou smirked, puckering his lips and making kissing noises.

"Why?" Rin asked, holding up the bag.

It's not as if Rin wasn't grateful, he was confused.

Shidou was over giving again.

A discomfort settled in his chest, a daunting, hollow feeling that screamed he was not doing enough.

He wasn't giving enough, he hadn't sacrificed anything for their relationship.

He didn't deserve love and gifts he would only fail to return.

"I love you, Rin chan, that's why."

I love you.

It rung in his ears, stung his heart.

He said that a lot recently.

I love you, before going to work.

I love you, before he went to sleep and when he woke up in the morning.

I love you's Rin never returned.

I love you's Rin couldn't return.

He didn't have the capacity to love anything or anyone, he was selfish and reserved.

"I got you something else, don't be mad."

"What? I don't want it."

"Don't be like that. It's a new phone."

"Take it back."

"Rin chan... You need it, for modelling and to call me."

"I can't..."

"Please, for me."

"It's too much."

"It's not, its nothing, don't focus on the details, it ain't like we're strangers, you're my boyfriend y'know. I wanna do stuff like this for you."

"No."

"You-"

"D'you think doing all this is gonna make me stay with you?" Rin blurted out.

"Are you asking me if i'm manipulating you with gifts to stay in a relationship with me?"

"I guess."

"You genuinely never fail to be an asshole about everything."

Rin remained silent, avoiding eye contact. 

"Urg! You're so frustrating! No fuck that, you're a piece of shit sometimes Rin."

"Then why're you with me?"

"Right, fuck ME for liking an asshole."

"Seems like a pattern."

"Really? What? Are you my therapist now?"

"It ain't like i'm not grateful. I am, I just wanna know why, are you overcompensating? I can't give you anything back, I don't wanna be in, i dunno, debt to you when we break up."

"When."

"Huh?"

"You said when we break up. Not if, when."

"So? What about everything else I said?"

"Something about me overcompensating, turns out I don't really give a fuck about what you said." Shidou left again, a cold look in his eyes as they brushed over Rin for the last time that afternoon.

His chest tightened at the slam of the door, an assortment of gifts lay around him. His fingers traced the almost insignificant details of each item in the bag. 
Every gesture of Shidou's exuded love and care, his over observance, concerning, yet endearing.

Something about the gifts, about the time and effort put into someone like him, made insignificance cloud his thoughts.

'I can't do that.' He thought.   

He wasn't capable of creating beautiful garments out of scrap materials. He wasn't capable of expressing his gratitude, of loving openly and fearlessly. 

Shidou still waited patiently for Rin to love him. 

Rin hoped his time wouldn't run out any time soon. That he wouldn't find the 'i love you' on the tip of his tongue too late. 

His trust in himself, overtime, became so low, he could barely speak. Maybe, one day, he was talkative, he could smile and laugh without restraint. 
Now, Rin had to earn every semblance of positivity. 

Every precious moment caused his mind to reel, he had to ruin it, to stay angry and in pain so he had a reason to keep going. He had to stay unhappy to continuously seek revenge and avoid complacency. 

Happiness was false hope in tacky wrapping paper.

Happiness made him ordinary.

Happiness was weakness. 

A few hours passed and Rin received a call from Bachira.

"Bob cut."

"Rin chan! You never usually answer so fast."

"Is Shidou with you?"

"Ya, why?"

"Nothing. Just wondering."

"I wanted to know if you wanna come over. Its gaming night, Yoichi, Kurona, Ryu chan and uh, I forgot his name."

"Hiori Yo."

"Huh... how'd you know?"

"Met at the bar."

"Come over, i'm getting Ryu chan to pick you up. Ah never mind, he's been drinking already, can you hear him? I think he's totally drunk."

"Don't bother. I ain't coming."

"Please Rin chan." Bachira pleaded, Rin could hear his puppy dog eyes over the phone. He wanted to avoid an awkward atmosphere, with Shidou, and everyone else.

"Fine. I'll walk."

"See you soon!"

Rin hung up.

Their relationship, despite only being in it's dawn, seemed as if it had already lasted an eternity. Rin was completely new to dating yet he felt like all he done was apologise for saying the wrong things. He spent days making it up to him, cooking breakfast in the morning, dinner in the evening, he cleaned the house, bought the groceries on occasion and he was slowly letting Shidou kiss him whenever he wanted to. Like a real relationship.

With every step, his heart told him he was making a mistake, Shidou was already drunk, they separated on bad terms, he didn't want to fight in someone else's house, he didn't want to ruin his day further by infiltrating his night with his friends.

But his mind told him he could do it. This, is how he would make it up to him.

Before he could knock hesitantly on the door, it swung open and he was face to face with Shidou.

"Rin chaaan!" Shidou giggled, almost tripping over his feet to hug him.

"Ow, my arm, Shidou." Rin winced, pushing him away with the other arm.

"Sorry baby. I'm legit surprised you made it." He giggled, disregarding Rin's personal space, their faces less than an inch away. 

"You're not mad anymore."

"Water off a camels back baby!" He slung an arm over Rin's shoulder.

"You mean alcohol."

"Yup. It's so good, now you're not an asshole, you're just really, super pretty." He laughed. "I wanna kiss you."

"Not here. At the door. The open door."

"Don't want anyone to know you're dating me? Sounds familiar." Shidou closed the door, dragging Rin to the car, nudging him into the back seat and climbing into the passenger seat to collect a small bag from the glove compartment.

Although Shidou brushed it off, Rin's heart clenched, biting his lip as guilt bubbled to the surface.

"The people demand drugs and as the demon king I shall give the people what they desire hahaha." He shouted, slamming the car door, getting ready to drag Rin back into the house, but Rin beat him to it, forcing him into the backseat.

"Ryu. Kiss me."

"Ah, you know how to make me happy." Shidou gripped Rin's hair roughly, as if he was getting ready to punch him in the face, not kiss him. Leaning in, brushing his lips over Rin's ear as he whispered.

"One day, I'm gonna defile you. I'm gonna make you feel so good you're gonna forget why you hated sex to begin with."

He couldn't stop the shiver that wracked through his body, his breath hitched, his heart begun thumping irregularly in his chest.

It was a dangerous feeling, the flutter, the tension at the base of his stomach. His mouth watered for more of the forbidden fruit, the impermissible desire to become one with another.

As they parted, Shidou fished around the plastic bag, popping something into his mouth and kissing Rin again.

"Swallow."

Rin complied.

"Good boy."

"I wanna go home." Rin whispered.

"I can't."

"Why?"

"No self control." Shidou shrugged, sitting beside Rin in the backseat.

"Tch."

"One more kiss." Shidou was previously on top of him, clumsily reversing their position so Rin was hunched over him as they kissed. 
He always started with a timid peck, teeth clinging onto Shidou's piercings as he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.

The kiss tainted by metal and iron.

The low vibrations of their hushed moans echoed in the car. 

Tongues intermingled as the kiss deepened, as hearts thumped, pumping blood around their body faster, the squeak of the leather under them as Shidou desperately exposed slivers of skin, guiding Rin's hand under his sweater.

stuffing two pills into Rin's mouth, slipping his tongue in to find one, licking every crevice, grazing behind his teeth, pulling him closer, strings of saliva connecting them as he pushed the pill into Shidou's mouth, watching the bob of his adams apple as he swallowed. 

"I'm so obsessed with you. I wanna spend all my time with you. I want you all to myself."

"I'm only yours." He breathed. 

Shidou grinned widely, messily kissing Rin again, to show his gratitude.

"You guys were so long I thought you went home."

"Sorry sorry Meg chan!" Shidou sang.

"What were you doing?"

"Getting these." Shidou shook a bag of pills, throwing them into his hands and heading straight to the alcohol. He poured two cups, for himself and Rin, who was awkwardly standing beside him, chugging the drink as soon as it was in his hands.

Shidou's ten month period of non weed related sobriety, long forgotten as he offered his pills around the group. Settling back at Rin's side, stuck together like glue as they drank mindlessly.

"Rin chan, you're gonna be drunk in a minute." Bachira waved, pouring himself another drink, eyes flicking between the pair.

At Rin's messy hair, flushed face, glazed eyes and how close he was standing to Shidou, not even an inch away.

"I'm fine." He responded, three drinks later.

"Nice to see you, Rin." Isagi greeted bluntly from the kitchen doorway, resting on it's frame for support as he swayed on his feet.

"Isagi."

"How are you? I haven't seen you since the gym."

"I'm fine."

"Rin chan's not very talkative, don't mind, Yoichi."

"Urg. You don't need to say anything, Meguru. You always defend him, even when he's being an asshole."

"I'm not defending him!"

"You are, you do this all the time. Rin this Rin that, 'its just how he is' this, 'ignore him' that. I'm sick of it."

Bachira glanced around the kitchen awkwardly, making eye contact with both Shidou and Isagi whilst Rin stared at the kitchen counter as if they weren't arguing over his lack of manners.

"Not now, Yoichi, please."

"Your boyfriend is right, does he even know you signed me up to that agency?" Rin asked absentmindedly, out of pure curiosity.

"Rin chan... please..."

"What agency? Meguru?"

"It was just a modelling agency, its no big deal, let's stop please guys.."

"I'm leaving." Rin announced, "I ain't trying to cause a fight."

"I don't care. Just stay away from my boyfriend, bastard." Isagi growled.

"I have my own fucking boyfriend you half baked lowlife." Rin scoffed, only slightly offended at the implication. 

Rin realised Shidou's previous words affected him more than he anticipated; he too, was eager to please, begging to be praised.

Shidou deserved to feel wanted. 

To be shown off, claimed as someones.

As Rin's.

"What?" Bachira squeaked, eyes wide.

"I knew it, you two are dating! And you kept it from your best friend Ryu chan? You guys made me look crazy!" He added, an ill-timed amusement behind his words, causing Isagi to burst.

"You're doing it again, Meguru, you're letting him call me a damn lowlife, you just keep brushing it off and moving on."

"I'm sorry." Bachira said, squeezing Isagi's hand, but he snatched it away, rolling his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Sorry Meg chan, me and my boyfriend are gonna go now. Sorry about him, Isagi."

"It's fine, see you, Shidou. Thanks for the alcohol and stuff." Isagi said with his arms crossed, staring at Bachira as he spoke.

Shidou escorted Rin out of the house, saying an overall goodbye, they could hear Isagi and Bachira beginning to argue in the kitchen, Kurona and Hiori packed their things to leave almost instantaneously.

"Rin, you gotta be careful with what you say around people." 

"I don't care, it was the truth."

"Mm, but that's for Megs to tell his boyfriend, not you."

"I still don't care."

"I guess you gave them to opportunity to argue and have really hot make up sex soo.." 

"Whatever."

"C'mon, don't let it ruin your mood."

"Shut up, I ain't."

"Good, good."

Shidou hooked their pinkies together as they walked side by side. The alcohol inhibiting them from feeling the icy wind whipping their skin. The tips of their ears and noses, bright red as they entered the house. Rin scrambled though his leather jacket pocket for two cigarettes, he had test shoots in a week and he hadn't thought about modelling since his initial signing.

Bachira, Shidou and even Aryu had been pushing him to do more outside of work, to leave the house more, to get off his ipad and out of his head.

But he found comfort in solitude.

He saw success in art, Sae in modelling.

He sought comfort in pain, in hollowness and isolation. He retreated into himself to wallow in a depressive state; a return to his old life for a week.

Alone, in an empty room, in an empty house, only his ipad and horror movies as companions.

A return to life before Shidou.

A life before he begun seeking comfort in drugs and alcohol, in titillating touches and the even breathes of another as they slept side by side.

Until he craved his kisses and the way he hummed as he sketched.

Rin secretly admired Shidou, his wildly perfect display of artistic prowess. His five minute sketches that look like they could have taken hours; his dedication to base techniques which allowed him to go wild with his creations. Precise pen strokes, maximum accuracy. 

He had sat in whilst Shidou discussed tattoo plans with clients. Firstly, he only agreed to do tattoos he felt inspired by. He wanted to tattoo designs that presented his best skills whilst simultaneously challenging himself, escaping his comfort zone with intention to infinitely improve.

Sometimes, clients even let him tattoo freehand on their skin because they fell in love with his artistic process, they were enamoured by his skills, proud to display his work on their skin until death.

He was able to develop significant trust in everyone he tattooed, he went beyond 'making them comfortable.' He put on a show, as proof his art was the best, displaying a variety of his previous work, but also drawing anything on the spot, a small parting gift for the client.

It was another night of their routine. Sharing a joint, in Shidou's room, a hand would land on his lower back, fingers running up the jut of his spinal cord. Warm hands on the cool skin of his waist. Rin would pretend to ignore him until he was hauled onto his lap, until they were face to face and could no longer hide from each other. 

They always waited, until their drunken words spewed out, until they were high enough to let their hearts speak louder than their minds. 

Afflictions abraded with every taste of his lips, with every second of silence and every caress. 

Tender pink eyes met tentative, yet vulnerable teal ones. 

Gradually, he lost himself, he forgot fragments of himself as he fell for someone else...

Chapter Text

Rin had test shoots for a week straight. His days consisted of heading to the shoot, getting pictures taken for almost 8 hours every single day, and dragging himself home, collapsing into bed.

The exhaustion was immeasurable.

His body ached from hours of standing, his limbs felt tight and sore, his skin raw from constant makeup and harsh chemical removers.

Each shoot went the same, he arrived on set, was guided to his seat for hair and makeup and then it was hours of changing clothes and trialling a variation of poses.

The clients were lenient, giving Rin extra breaks to rest due to his arm, offering a plethora of food and drinks throughout the day. He was warned not every client will provide food or excessive breaks in the future; that he should be prepared for every type of situation.

On his last day, Shidou promised to pick him up, but never arrived.

He called, but there was no answer.

As usual, he called Bachira, but he was at work.

Shidou had been distant, only staying at home to sleep, two days that week, he didn't go home.

The following morning, Rin's last resort was to call Aryu.

"Rin!" He answered, surprise lacing his voice.

"Aryu. Have you heard from Shidou by any chance?"

"Ah. Shidou kun. Rin, I know its early but why don't we meet at the shop and talk."

"Huh? Why? What happened? Is he alright?"

"He's fine. I will see you soon, Rin."

He hung up.

Rin flung his clothes on, his brisk walking turned into light jogging before the shop was in sight. Aryu was out front with yet another person he had never met.

"Barou kun, this is Rin. Rin, Barou kun."

The atmosphere was awkward, the trio stood in silence outside the shop, a simple nod of acknowledgment sufficed.

A car pulled up and Barou left shortly, Rin and Aryu were finally alone.

"That your boyfriend or something?"

"Maybe one day, don't you think he's stylish?"

"Not really."

"Walk with me." Aryu ushered Rin to walk beside him, a hushed stillness as he impatiently waited for him to speak, to put his mind at ease.

The walk was over half an hour, only slight pleasantries were exchanged.

Rin could hear his heartbeat as they entered a forest he never knew existed until today.

"I heard you enjoy yoga and meditation. I usually appreciate nature, there's a Buddhist temple on the other side, I frequent it once a week."

"Right, um.."

"Ah, yes. Shidou kun... Where do I begin." Aryu started, taking a seat on an empty bench where they had a view of the sea and the cloudy morning sky.

"I like you, Rin. I never bothered going through this with his exes, but I think you two are a stylish couple."

"Can you get to the point?" Rin asked, his tone brusque and cold. 

"I will start by apologising."

Rin's heart sank to his feet.

"I lied when you asked me about Shidou kuns drug usage. Which is extremely unstylish of me, therefore I apologise." Aryu said, bowing his head slightly before continuing.

"He's struggled a lot, when we first met, at 12, he had already started with over the counter drugs or prescriptions-"

"Why are you telling me all this? Seriously, this is fucking weird." Rin interrupted.

"Patience, Rin." Aryu took a deep breath, "Shidou kun didn't go home a few days ago, correct?"

"Yeah... So?"

"He was with another guy."

"He.. he..." Rin stuttered, his breath quickened, his mind jumping to a profusion of conclusions. 

"Bachira told me they left together, but I also knew neither of them would tell you. It is unacceptable! But-"

"But fucking nothing." As Rin hastily stood, Aryu grasped his arm, sitting him back down.

"Wait. Listen to me. He loves you." Aryu tried to explain, huffing, tying his hair into a bun and crossing his legs on the bench.

"This is just an old therapists note that was tucked into his journal, I kept them for him because he threw them away. Just in case he needed some guidance." He handed Rin a notebook, open on a page scribbled with barely legible writing.

'You seek out sex after conflict as a painless resolution, to make yourself feel better about it. As a 'reward' because thats what people done to you.

Your excessive desire to engage in sexual acts is just a way for you to mask the pain you're feeling everyday.

Engage in a wider variety of hobbies to find something that makes you feel good, that does not revolve around anything sexual.'

"Why are you giving this to me? I dont fucking care. I'm done."

"Rin-"

"I'm fucking done!" Rin threw the notebook on the floor and walked away, but Aryu was behind him, overtaking him with long, elegant strides.

"It was just sex. He has a... sex problem. He always does this when he stops taking his medication."

"He's a cheater."

"He-"

"Just shut up. Shut up!"

Rin plucked the notebook from Aryu's hands, flicking through each page of the journal. Each page containing intimate and personal details regarding his mental health over the years, ending 18 months ago.

He clenched his jaw as he read, an unrecognisable feeling rose to the surface as he violated Shidou's sacred texts. It was personal, it was raw, it hurt more than his actions.

"You, me and Shidou kun are the only people that have seen the contents of this notebook. It's heartbreaking. His parents are bad people, thats why he lived with his grandparents from a young age. I hope you have forgiveness in your heart for him, no one else did." Aryu pried the notebook from Rin's fingers before he reached the end, stashing it in his bag as they walked to the temple.

"I'm mad at him. Why? I would've forced myself if he wanted it that bad." Tears involuntarily spilt from his eyes.

Opening the floodgates as he cried silently. 

Shaking shoulders and sharp inhales as he gasped for air with every sob.

Vacillating between discomfort and anguish.

His heart was bludgeoned, by words on a page.

His infringement weighed on his mind.

How was he supposed to look at Shidou, knowing things he wouldn't dare to tell him if it was his choice?

Aryu had the best intentions, but Rin couldn't process anything.

"I'm sorry." Aryu stopped to pull Rin into his chest, stroking his soft locks, patting his back as he sobbed into his chest."

It was difficult for Rin to act 'normal'. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He ignored every call and text, disregarding every knock and every whisper.

After five days, he was catatonic, he blamed himself for not understanding Shidou, for seeing the signs something was wrong, too late. 

With every step forward, he took three steps back, retreating into himself, isolating himself, desperately trying to console himself. Ashamed he already found forgiveness in his empty heart.

"Oi, Rin chan. C'mon. Seriously, you can't stay in bed for another day. I left you alone for five whole fucking days. You ain't eaten and you barely drank anything. Please let me in. I'm sorry." Shidou pleaded behind the door.

The door unlocked.

"Don't wanna talk to you."

"At least tell me if you're alright. Want anything to eat yet? I went grocery shopping yesterday."

"No."

"Okay."

Shidou was standing at the door of the guest bedroom they turned into Rin's permanent room. Shidou was persistent, telling Rin how lonely he would be, how quiet the house used to be before he started staying there. That every room just reminded him of his grandparents, how it exacerbated his depression. Rin caved, agreeing to live together even if their relationship didn't work out.

"Sit down, stop being fucking awkward." Rin voiced hoarsely.

"Sorry. I thought-"

"Sit."

"Don't break up with me." Shidou said as he perched on the edge of Rin's bed.

"Aryu told me everything."

"Rin..."

"He showed me your journal."

"He what? And you read it? Fuck you." Shidou was already at the door before Rin could expand.

"You don't have the right to get mad at me." Rin muttered, his voice was weak, airy, tired.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"You know."

"For having sex with someone else?"

"Yeah..."

"I hate you." Rin spat. "I fucking despise your worthless guts."

His words held no vigour.

"Is it over?" Shidou's voice was just as hollow as Rin's, it held no substance, no bite, only sorrow.

"I dunno..."

"Rin.."

"Why?"

"I can't, it's... hard to talk about, sober." Shidou rested on the door frame, picking at the flaking paint and yellowing corners of wallpaper.

"Your father..."

"Rin i'm begging you. Please, you fucking read it ain't that enough? The worst years of my fucking life you just read like it was nothing, I'll get down on my hands and knees please don't do this."

Neither of them had the confidence to make eye contact. 

"Will I ever be enough for you?"

"I fucked up, i'm the worst, i'll start taking my meds again, i'll get clean, i'll do anything."

"You're killing me." Rin's voice broke. "I thought everything was fine, I thought we were fine. I thought you loved me."

"I do... It was just sex, I was so drunk and high I barely remember anything that happened last week."

Their eyes met, for a split second, Rin's newfound gauntness reminiscent of Sae. Their resemblance uncanny. Deep set eye bags, dim teal irises, exhaustion sat on his exposed bone. 

Shidou looked no better, his eyes puffy from crying, his hair unkempt, grown out, purely blond, hanging above his shoulders. 

"Get out." Rin snapped, before he caved. Before a warm body could embrace him. 

RIN

Nii chan, please pick up.

RIN

Sae

RIN

I need you... Please answer my calls. Just once. I'm sorry, nii chan.. 

SAE

What, Rin?

RIN

I need to stay at your place.

SAE

Should've taken the key.

RIN

Well I fucking didn't, can I stay or not?

SAE

I'm home, come whenever. Take the key this time, stubborn brat.

Rin gathered the strength to leave his room, to eat a protein bar despite only craving sea bream ochazuke. Packing a light bag to bring to Sae's, sweaters, hoodies and loose long sleeves to cover his cast. 

At midnight, there was commotion outside and the door unlocked, revealing Bachira dragging a drunk Shidou through the door.

"Sorry Rin chan!" Bachira shouted, his flushed face a telling sign he had also been drinking.

Throwing him clumsily onto the empty space on the sofa, waving and stopping at the front door.

"Yoichi is waiting for me outside." Bachira avoided eye contact with Rin, scanning over Shidou instead. "He's gonna get grumpy, he has work i love ya, bye Ryu chan... Rin chan"

Bachira left Rin and Shidou in an awkward silence.

His makeup was heavier tonight, eyelashes caked in his regular blonde mascara as opposed to the brown he wore at work, thicker eyeliner and subtle, pink glitter eyeshadow on his lids. He was also dressed up, nails repainted, hair re-dyed; his blonde locks were now a vibrant ombré.

A chunky leather belt choker adorned his neck, alongside a silver necklace and an assortment of silver rings on his fingers.

An off shoulder black and white striped shirt with a slit on each flared, asymmetrical sleeve and four small buttons on each cuff. The hems of the shirt were frayed and distressed, the material thin, revealing his navel piercing through the fabric.

His trousers, loose black denim, heavily distressed hanging low on his hips, pink zebra boxers peeking through the top.

Rin broke the silence.

"You look hot, dyed your hair, done your nails and stuff..." 

Rin gained his self worth from Sae, Shidou gained his from sex.

To feel good, to make others feel good, its what Shidou prided himself in almost his whole life.

He was praised not for his words, personality or general actions, but for his work and his unequivocal adroitness in the bedroom.

Only when Shidou knew he was at his best, could he keep going each day. But he hadn't been at his best for a long time. Regurgitating old coping mechanisms, coercing himself into reliving the days he assumed he was at his best.

Whether that was spending hours perusing through old photos of himself or his favourite old tattoos and sketches that inspired him to draw better, to work out harder or focus more on his appearance.

Some nights, he cried, clinging onto the false sense of freedom he bestowed upon himself once he lost his grandparents.

Pleasure and pain freed him.

They became undifferentiated.

Coalescing inside him.

"Rin... thank you, the last thing i expected was to see you. Just tell me now, are we done?"

"Yeah.."

Shidou scraped himself off the couch and up the stairs, Rin followed him into his room after taking ten minutes to meditate and compose himself. To stand strong in his decision.

There was mess everywhere. He was unaware Shidou trashed his room, his neat stack of papers were splayed out on the floor, there were shards of glass and ash and clothes scattered around. Rin noticed it was only the clothes Shidou made for Sae, he tore at some, leaving others in tact, stained in ash.

He was curled into himself, breaths heavy, a shake in every exhale.

Scooping Shidou off the tarnished, glass ridden floor with all his strength, carrying him out of the room, into his own; he kicked the door open and set him down on the bed.

"Just leave me." He whispered wearily.

"I ain't leaving yet."

"I feel like shit. Every fucking day. I feel stifled and pent up. I feel worthless. I tried to make myself feel better today, put extra effort into my appearance but I feel fucking worse. I fucked it all over for sex, again and again. I only want you Rin i fucking swear. I'll kill myself for you to forgive me. Don't leave me." 

They were avoiding eye contact again, Rin huffed, running his hands through his hair, trying to find the right words, some words, any words.

"Don't be stupid..." He settled on, only causing Shidou to curl further into himself.

"Can you get my stuff from my room?" Shidou's voice was muffled in the sheets, his voice barely discernible.

"What stuff?"

"My drugs. Top drawer by my bed."

Rin complied, sifting through his drawers, curiously snooping through the others. The top drawer full of drugs, the second, filled with bottles of prescribed pills unopened, others, empty or half used. They were all different.

Mood stabilisers, antidepressants, stimulants.

The last had a lock, it was the largest drawer,  peering behind him at the door before tugging lightly at the handle to check if it was locked.

It was open.

He pulled it, so it was only ajar, to peek inside but it wasn't enough, it was too dark, Rin had to open the drawer fully exposing a significantly large array of sex toys, he shut it immediately. Opening it again, shutting it before leaving.

It was an obsession. A compulsion that gradually overtook every waking thought. If it was anyone else, Rin would have been partially repulsed. He wouldn't have taken the time to understand how one develops in such a way, if not for Aryu and his journal. 

It was full of passages laced in self hatred, even the least self depreciating sentences, were a melancholic cry for help:

'I can't stop thinking about it.'

'I'm sick.'

'I want to die.' 

'I hate art. I hate sewing. I hate everything.

'It's fine if the only person i'm hurting is myself.'

Shidou hadn't moved, his makeup smudged and running onto Rin's pale blue sheets, staining the fabric with streaks of black.

"I didn't know what you wanted so i bought it all."

"Are you tired of me?"

Rin stayed silent.

"Everyone hates me. This is why everyone breaks up with me. They get tired of picking up my shit and dealing with my fucking shit. Fucking baggage. My fucking endless fuck ups."

"Do you always let your partners move in here with you?" Rin deflected.

"Hell no. This is my grandparents place, its important yknow. Its special. Ive only had Meguru, Kurona and you stay. Since living here alone I mean."

"Ah."

"Are you leaving now?."

"No. Don't be fucking stupid."

"I'll tell you, about my parents..." Shidou started, "I can handle a lot but not being ignored. That's what he done. He just fucking left for weeks or months he didnt care if I survived or not he just-"

Shidou stopped as Rin started pulling his jeans off, removing his jewellery and forcing him into more comfortable clothes, placing his drugs on the side, away from eyeshot. He seemed distracted, Rin now knew it was not just alcohol in his system and didn't want him to take anything else tonight.

Once dressed in Rin's t-shirt and shorts, he curled back up, under the covers, facing away from him as he continued. 

Rin knew it wasn't him, it was the shame of being broken and neglected; left to pick yourself up alone, everyday.
It was the same shame that burnt holes in his chest.

"Sae, when he left me and ignored me it just reminded me of my childhood... Reminded me of him . My mother just let him fucking do whatever he wanted to me, it never mattered. The only thing that made me feel better was drugs and sex." Shidou almost sobbed out the last word, each "he' and 'him' harbouring a bitter, hateful edge.

It was the first time Shidou opened up about his childhood, other than moving in with his grandparents at a young age. Rin was also beginning to piece together the fact Shidou was acting like this because he was high, drunk and failed to take any of his medication for weeks. It seemed as if he was finally crashing and breaking down after feeling 'normal' off his meds, after he thought he could wean himself off them once and for all. 

But he had been irritable and distant recently, he continuously neglected himself, physically, mentally, emotionally and Rin failed to notice. 

Rin lay down behind him, hands around his waist, forehead resting on his back as his body shook.

"He came back and gave me a 'reward for my patience' i looked forward to it so much. To be rewarded instead of punished. I-"

"Its alright, you don't have to say anymore. Are... you okay?"

Shidou went silent. Ignoring Rin's question, moving on.

"I can't give you anything, I can't make you feel good, I can't give you a reason to stay. Not after this."

"I like you, I wanna be with you, we all have fucking baggage. We're both fucked up, it's fine." Rin responded honestly.

"Not after this."

"You don't need to change or fucking pretend you're fine or whatever. Just.. don't..."

"Everyone leaves when I get like this. A mess, a disaster. They say it's fine in the moment and the next day when my moods up, they break up with me, they tell me i'm too much to handle. Its always 'I'm sorry, i like you, but this is too much Shidou', or 'i think you need therapy', or 'i didn't fucking sign up for this' no one fucking thinks about how this makes me feel."

"Tell me."

"Like shit. Fucking disgusting. I hate this. This always happens. I'm fucking disgusting." Shidou finally turned to face Rin, dried streaks of makeup and snot on his face, his eyes still wet with tears as he sniffled.

Rin gently pushed him off to get up.

"Don't go. Rin please."

"I'm coming back, just wait, i'm gonna go get some water."

Rin returned with a bowl of fruits, two cups of lukewarm tea, cotton pads with makeup remover and a wad of tissues. Sitting back down, on his lap to begin wiping his makeup off slowly.

"You looked pretty today."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm."

"No ones done this for me before. No one I've dated. Not after a fuck up as bad as this."

"You should thank Aryu."

"If you do this i'm gonna think you're in love with me or something."

"Sit up, drink." Rin brushed his words off, pulling his body up with one arm, putting the tea cup to his lips and pouring, watching the liquid drip down his chin as he drank. Placing the cup down, feeding him a handful of berries and a bite of an apple.

"This is what Sae used to do for me when we were kids. Our parents were barely ever home so he would always give me a bowl of fruits and tea when I was sad."

"Your parents too huh..."

"Mhm. When Sae left, they barely paid attention to me anymore, except when I caused trouble at school. I got out as soon as I could, at 16."

"where'd you go?"

"Art school, and I was working."

"Mm." Shidou hummed, his eyes closing, finally falling asleep.

Rin set aside the tray, getting back into bed, it was already 5am, he was exhausted, sliding into bed next to Shidou, resting his head under his chin because he knew he wasn't waking up anytime soon. Feeling the rise and fall of his  chest, his breathing levelling out.

Shidou didn't wake up the next morning, so Rin cleaned his room the best he could and sent Bachira a text on his phone to tell him he won't be at work for the next few days. He wanted Shidou to feel better, or as he liked to put it, feel good.

His only memories of being taken care of derived from Sae doting on him when they were younger. Memories clouded by nostalgia, the small meals, the pats on his head, sharing ice-cream on walks home from school. Fresh laundry that smelt like home, like Sae. Sitting at the beach and talking about their dreams.

That was the last time Rin felt good.

12 years ago, when they still shared the same laundry detergent.

He tried not to think too hard about it as he begun making pancakes, Ipad propped up by the stove with a simple recipe.

Eggs, flour, milk, sugar.

Oil in the pan.

Scoop the batter into the pan.

Wait for bubbles to form.

Flip.

Serve.

Shidou never brought anything like syrup, so Rin opted for honey, fruits cut into stars (like Sae used to cut them up for him) and a squirt of whipped cream instead.

Bringing a tray with a hot chocolate and painkillers upstairs.

"Oi. Wake up."

Shidou groaned.

"Wake up!"

"No. Go away. Stop fucking shouting." Shidou huffed into the pillow.

"C'mon. Up." Rin set the tray on the bed, as he woke up, clearly not expecting Rin nor the meal.

"What?" He held his head as he propped himself up.

"Lunch."

"You made me breakfast?" He grimaced at the gesture, it was out of place, foreign, and he almost rejected it. 

"Yeah." Rin replied, handing him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

"I made an instagram account, I wanted to follow you, I didn't know your y'know whats it called?"

"User?"

"Yeah, whatever."

Shidou brought out his phone and handed it to Rin, who followed himself and peeked at his page. He only had 5 photos; two were recent, from yesterday.

"Do you remember posting these?" Rin asked holding up a photo of himself with the caption 'all mine <3.' Flicking to the photo of Shidou at the bar with Bachira, it was blurry, but Rin thought he looked really good. He wondered if Sae saw, if he was jealous, if he even cared.

His soft spot for Shidou, evocative of dry rot. It seemed firm, sturdy and reliable until pushed. Crumbling and flaking underneath the pressure, it's strength and structure, an illusion.  

"You ain't mad are you?"

"No, I like this one."

"I meant about the caption of your photo."

"If you want all of these half baked lowlives and npcs to know about our relationship, I don't care."

Even if it was only his guilt, Rin understood the sentiment regardless.

"You ain't breaking up with me?"

"I guess not."

"You ain't pitying me are you?"

"You don't pity me, I don't pity you."

"Looks like we're a match made in hell." Shidou said, finally lighting his cigarette.

"Why did you stop taking your meds?"

"To feel something. To stop living on auto pilot. To stop feeling so fucking numb."

"Did you cheat in all your relationships?"

"No. Ive never liked anyone as much as I like you. I just had to ruin it. I didn't want you to know about my past... I've never been in a long term relationship."

"Why... ain't you still in therapy?"

"It was useless."

"Shidou Ryusei."

"Yeah?"

"I forgive you. I know you didn't mean it. But I can't stay here right now."

"Oh..."

"I'm gonna find a place, I won't be at the shop,  i'm gonna focus on modelling... They... want me to model full time once my cast is off."

"Ah... Right. I get it. I understand, I'm sorry. My turn to ask questions. Why ain't you breaking up with me?"

"I dunno. Who else is gonna love me?"

"I'll love you forever Rin."

"You love me, but I still come after sex."

"I wanna make this work. I want you. I want us."

Rin hummed. "I'm gonna go now, I'm staying with Sae..."

"Okay. Thanks for breakfast, I appreciate it."

Rin nodded, lugging his bag over his shoulder as he left. 

Chapter Text

Rin was finally getting his cast taken off, he made a mental note not to let strangers stamp on his arm whilst he lay unconscious in an alley way.

He was still navigating his emotions, finding different methods to deal with his emotions that didn't end in self inflicted harm.

He had arrived at Sae's house, on the beach, the familiar, oceanic scent filled his nose.

He knocked, Sae answered within seconds.

"Nii chan..." Rin pouted.

Sae was in his casual clothes, joggers and a tank, Calvin Klein boxers exposed over the waistband.

His bangs, pinned back with pink clips, a cigarette hung out of his mouth.

Perfectly manicured nails picking the cigarette out of his mouth to speak.

"Rin. What the fuck happened?"

"Don't wanna talk about it." Rin brushed past him throwing his bag on the floor and slumping over the kitchen table.

Sae raised his brow, unimpressed, as he lugged Rin's bag into his spare room.

"You look sick." Sae commented, pouring himself a drink and sitting opposite Rin.

"I'm tired."

"Want a drink? Hungry?" Sae asked, lighting another cigarette, rummaging through his sparse fridge.

"I want ochazuke."

"I don't have any fish."

"It's fine without fish."

Sae chugged his drink, taking out a chopping board and took the three vegetables out of his fridge, mushrooms, green onions and carrots.

As Sae moved swiftly around the kitchen, Rin got wafts of laundry detergent and alcohol, closing his eyes, falling asleep to the scents of his childhood.

He woke up to the beep of the rice cooker. A portion was served up for him, covered in furikake, pickled cucumbers and radishes were on the side.

"You ain't eating?" Rin asked, as Sae sat in front of him without any food.

"I ate out."

"Right. Thanks for the meal." Rin was hunched over his bowl, steam of the roasted green tea warming his face and his stomach. Only once he begun eating, did he realise just how hungry he was.

"Slow down, you're gonna choke. You never change."

"Sorry." He mumbled, with a mouthful of rice.

"What's going on shitty little brother?"

"Broke." He lied.

"Why didn't you just ask for money?" Sae left, returning with a stack of cash he threw onto the kitchen table.

"That's too much nii chan!"

"That amount is barely gonna do anything for you."

"Shouldn't you be saving or something...?"

"I don't care about useless sheets of paper. Take it or leave it."

"Thanks..."

"Mm."

Sae was staring into Rin's soul, grabbing his casted arm from over the table and squeezing it.

Gesturing for him to lift his sleeve so he could look.

Rin only agreed because Sae never even asked.

"Are you gonna explain this?"

"I fell. Down the stairs." Rin lied again.

"Always so clumsy."

"Hah..."

"I'm leaving for two days, key is on the side, you have money, don't call me unless it's urgent."

"Okay."

Sae left and the sound of the shower running could be heard in the distance. It was only early evening when he begun showering, he was ready at 10pm.

He was wearing eyeliner, in skimpy clothes, with a duffel bag over his shoulder.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"To a party?"

"I don't party."

"Drinking?"

"Mind your business."

"Do you have a boyfriend or something?"

"Are you deaf? Stay out of my fucking business." Sae tutted, throwing the key onto the kitchen table and slammed the door aggressively as he left. Rin could almost feel the floor shake.

He peered out of the kitchen window, watching Sae get into a blue sports car and speed away.

Alone again.

He trudged to his room, rummaging through his bag, clutching the owl plush Shidou gifted him in his shaking hands.

It smelt like his cologne, like his cigarettes and his shower gel.

It smelt like home.

Once, it smelt like home. But once again, Rin was homeless.

Staring into the floor, hours passed, motionless on the ground.

His mind flicking to the clients at the modelling agency praising him for getting so thin, how all his ribs were on show because he couldn't stomach food anymore, he lost his ability to feel hunger most days.

Rin rationalised.

It didn't matter what Shidou done, he went home to Rin at the end of every day.

Two lonely and depressed individuals with nothing to live for, no love left to give, a reminder, you can't break what is already broken.

Cold, hard wood floors beneath him, why sit on the comfortable bed when comfort was just a sick illusion?

He wanted to get high.

He wanted to be anywhere but here.

A week of solitude passed in what could have been hours for him. He existed as a shell of himself, Sae, nowhere to be seen.

On Sunday evening, he peeled his heavy body off the floor, without even putting his coat or shoes on, he headed to the beach. He kept walking until he was in the water, until the roaring tide soaked his clothes. Until icy water submerged him.

His chest tightened as he subconsciously attempted to gasp for air underwater.

Before his vision faded, he clamoured for air. Coughing and gasping, each breath filled with pain.

Clothes weighed him down, soaked to the bone, shivering, borderline hypothermic.

The waves only gained more momentum, as Rin's tears became one with the endless ocean.

His clothes were almost too heavy to pull out of the water, each step a challenge as he waded back to shore. The beach was almost fully engulfed by water, but he didn't care.

He burst out laughing.

His shivers so severe they wracked his entire body as it fought to warm itself up.

He kept laughing, once he realised, this was where he belonged.

There was no safety net, no Shidou, no Sae, no parents, no friends.

Back to square one.

Alone.

The cast he was supposed to keep dry, was soaking wet, but he didn't care anymore.

He didn't have to care about anything anymore.

He went back to the house, collecting his sketchbook and ripping out every page. He threw each piece of art he spent copious hours on into the sea, watching ribbons of paper get eaten by the water. 

His older sketchbook under his arm received the same treatment. Torn to shreds and disregarded.

His emotions were spiralling as he broke down in tears again.

Dripping as he walked back again, with heavy, burdensome steps, peeling his clothes off at the door.

He fell asleep with his ipad playing in the background, waking up at four in the afternoon.

He was used to waking up early.

When he had a routine.

When he had art.

Rummaging through Sae's cupboards was redundant. They were empty, except for alcohol.

He poured out a mug, keeping the bottle on the table. Lighting a cigarette, slumping down in front of the TV.

By 8pm, he was drunk, the bottle empty, his fingers hovering over Shidou's number.

He was watching eyes wide shut, in bed on his ipad, he wanted to talk to him. He hadn't been this drunk in years, his self control dwindled, so he played games until dawn.

Two more days, Sae still wasn't back.

Another week passed, his routine evolved.

A routine consisting of the least he could possibly do in a day.

He was ready to get his cast taken off. After four long months of hinderances, his arm was free from its shackles.

He could work out properly.

He could stretch and flex his forearm.

It was not much, but it was something.

A minor improvement to his otherwise dejecting life.

Rin was dressed in jeans and a black zip up, his old clothes getting looser by the day. They hung off his lanky frame as if they did not belong to him anymore.

The agency had called him in, he was going to be extremely busy for the next few months. The younger Itoshi, already in high demand.

The unplanned weight loss turned out to be more positive than he ever anticipated.

His first casting was the next day.

He woke up, showered using all of Sae's expensive products and got dressed, black jeans, low rise, black tank, form fitting, a thin studded belt and the leather jacket Shidou made for him, he also stole a pair of Sae's blue Tom Ford sunglasses.

A small stack of the cash Sae lent him went through Shidou's door for the phone he gave him, as compensation, to avoid feeling indebted.

Stopping at a coffee shop on the way to the casting, purchasing an iced americano to get him through the strenuous morning.

Rin was early. But so was everyone else, a long line lay before his eyes, of thin, gorgeous men and women.

An hour in the cold, sign in, another thirty minute wait, a five minute walk and it was over.

"Excuse me, Itoshi Rin, right?" The lady in the corner of the room approached him seconds after he finished.

"Yeah." Rin nodded, picking the skin of his fingers impatiently.

"I love your walk and style, you're a new face right? I've never seen you before."

"Yeah."

"Well, have you taken fashion week into consideration?"

"No, I don't really know what i'm doing right now." 

"Haha. You do get thrown into the deep end straight away with this job. Especially someone as beautiful as you. You already have a reputation. I am experimenting with alternative mens fashion and want you for this show."

"Okay."

"Is your jacket vintage? Italian or Japanese?"

Rin paused before answering. 

"My... friend made it." 

"Is she a designer? What's her name?"

"His name is Shidou Ryusei."

"He huh.." She smiled subtly, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear, "i'd love to get coffee with you sometime."

"Is that a requirement for the job?"

"Sure! Shidou also sounds kinda familiar..." She hummed. "Anyway, gotta go. See you at the fitting in a few days, Itoshi Rin." She walked off, swinging her hips with every step, talking to the casting director and other members of staff, pointing at Rin and jotting something down in her notebook.

Envy was evident in the other models eyes, it was a huge deal, to everyone except Rin.

Whispers of 'he booked the job already.'

'Did you see him talking to the designer for ten minutes!?'

'Is he related to THE Itoshi Sae?'

'He's so thin, no wonder he booked it already, he's unfairly attractive.'

Jealousy contaminated the atmosphere, even after he left.

Three busses and two hours of walking later, Rin was back at the beach. A car was parked outside, the same blue sports car from two weeks ago, Sae was home, with someone else.

He stood at the door. Legs heavy, mind foggy as he contemplated turning around.

But as usual, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time, the door swinging into his face.

"Who's this? You're new fucking WHORE? SAE?" The owner of the blue car screamed, Sae was right behind, pushing him out the door.

"What? Fuck off. You're fucking disgusting that's my little brother."

"Hah. I wouldn't put fucking your brother past someone like you. You sick, lying, bastard." The man awkwardly manoeuvred past Rin, speeding away as soon as the car door closed.

Sae was dishevelled. Breathless, shirtless, bites and marks littered over his smooth skin.

"Don't you dare open your fucking mouth Rin." He warned, "you're so fucking annoying! Of course you had to be here just for that." He scowled, jogging to his room and slamming the door.

"Nice to see you too, shitty older brother." Tears unexpectedly filled his eyes, unsure of how much longer he could stay, how much longer he could live whilst on the brink of death.

How much longer he could cope with being homeless.

Still, he made Sae a cup of tea, knocking on his door with caution.

"Go away."

"I made you tea."

"Fuck OFF! You're so suffocating Rin. Leave. Me. Alone." He shouted, "actually." Sae flung the door open, throwing more cash in Rin's face. "Go out. Go fucking make friends. GO LIVE! Just... Go AWAY." He slammed the door again, Rin saw his tear stained face, his red eyes, he smelt of alcohol.

Again, as usual.

Sae didn't want him.

Sae never wanted him.

Sae wanted to be alone.

No.

Sae wanted someone, anyone that wasn't his little brother.

The tea went cold outside Sae's door, surrounded by cash.

Rin walked the streets, finding himself at the one place he shouldn't be. Outside Shidou's house.

The lights were off, all windows closed, he knocked once. Twice.

Desperation boiled over, banging on the door as hard as he could. 

"Please please please." He whispered, like a mantra. 

A light turned on, and the door opened slowly. 

Chapter Text

Shidou yawned, opening the door wider, tensing up as he came face to face with Rin.

"Rin..."

He took two steps into the house, collapsing into his bare chest, his arms hung lifeless at his sides as a warm body embraced him.

"I missed you so much Rin chan." Shidou said, his voice low as he tried to pull away, but Rin pushed his face into his neck.

Even as he concealed his face, the wetness dripping down Shidou's chest gave him away.

Exposing his tears.

"Hey.. Hey. What's wrong?"

Rin shook his head.

"You ain't gonna talk to me are you?"

He shook his head again.

Shidou scooped Rin up in his arms, taking him back to his warm, inviting bed. "Fuck, you're so light. So f ucking... boney, have you eaten today?"

Rin ignored him as he was placed down on the bed.

"Rin.. talk to me.."

"You didn't call or text."

"I'm banned. Aryu revoked my Rin chan privileges, basically, he told me to wait until you're ready... to talk."

"Mm."

"Tell me about your time at Sae's... or something. I miss you."

"No."

"Alright, want me to tell you about my two weeks?"

"Mm."

"I started therapy again. Something about ptsd, something about sex addiction, eh nothing new. It's once a week. Monday's and Wednesday's alternating. I've been working out a lot more. Twice a day." He flexed his muscles and Rin observed his fuller figure, his muscles prominent, bulging as he flexed. 

He also had new piercings, a vertical industrial and nipple piercings.

"Keep talking. Just... talk."

"Alright. This week at therapy was hard. We spoke about the root cause of y'know the cheating, the sex. Focusing on emotional explosions instead of physical... We spoke about ways I can be a better boyfriend, I made a list of date ideas that are outside, doesn't involve sex or drugs and is centred around y'know us and talking and shit."

"Mm."

"I got a new journal. I gotta write in it every day. I think it might help you too, I bought you one. I ain't been working either, its been so boring, I've been sketching a ton, sewing, I started making jewellery. I got new piercings."

"I like them."

"Hell yeah! They're sexy right?" He grinned brightly, pointing to his nipples."

"Mm."

Shidou scooted closer, wrapping his arms around his waist, smelling his hair.

"Your hairs grown, I cut mine last week. I've been trying new styles." He twirled Rin's hair in his fingers as he spoke, softly, fondly.

"Mm."

Gradually, he teasingly licked and bit the back of Rin's neck, hands trailing up his t-shirt, fingers feeling each bone.

"Let's smoke." Shidou pulled away, revealing a fresh joint from his top drawer, lighting it and handing it to Rin, alongside an ashtray.

"What happened? Was it Sae?"

"I don't wanna fucking talk about it. Drop it."

"Fine. Have you been drawing?"

"I don't wanna talk."

"Fine." He held his hands up, shrugging to let Rin know he's letting it go. The joint was passed to and fro, in taciturnity.

"Its so hard to resist kissing you right now..." Shidou sighed, changing the subject, exhaling the smoke into Rin's face as the joint came to an end. The mood was only vaguely lighter, his head resting on Shidou's shoulder, their subtle, delicate, physical contact, his guilty pleasure. 

Rin's stomach grumbled loudly. 

"Are you hungry?"

"You wanted me to smoke so i'd get hungry?"

"Haha. Guilty. You caught me. Wanna eat?"

"Eat what?"

"I'm learning how to cook! I ain't just been eating the same thing all the time."

"Mm... I dunno."

"I got a meal right in front of me but I guess we should eat real food." Shidou smirked, trying to lighten the atmosphere, but Rin was staring into space, barely responding.

"It's unfair." Rin started, "you... you're just moving on, you're doing more, you're doing better. It's fucking unfair..." Rin lamented. 

"We.. can get better together.."

"No. We can't." 

"I'm sorry. I'm trying, I just wanna be better for you. I don't wanna hurt you like this again. I only want you. I just feel so guilty. I dunno what to say. I know you don't wanna hear me apologise again."

Shidou tugged Rin into his lap.

"I missed you so much." He sighed, tracing his lips over his neck, resting his chin on Rin's shoulder. 

"Missed you too..."

"Thanks. For everything. I don't deserve you."

"I like you. I... hate it." Rin sniffled, "I'm mad I wasn't your first choice... Everyone always wants Sae."

"I want you." Shidou bit his lip in contemplation, before he continued. "I wanted you, but Meg chan wanted you too, he's my best friend. I... might've pushed the Sae thing too hard. He's unpredictable y'know, he would break up with Isagi for you. He told me."

"So?"

"So... I liked you a long time ago, way before I came onto you. Not that you can sense flirting from ten miles away. Yknow how hard it was to invite you to my house?" 

"Yeah.." 

"I was in denial, cause, I kinda thought you hated me. Sae was.. y'know... receptive at the time. A crush you spoke to twice, is different from the guy you work with everyday."

"Huh... What are you saying?"

"Mm... I knew it was over the day Sae left. I know he wanted me to wait for him... But I fell for you first. Not just the thought of you, all of you. I fantasised about him as my muse for so long I was in denial. All the shit I made for him, was before we met, I think he's alright, we could be friends, but he ain't you. I'm so glad it didn't work out between me and him. I only need you."

"At least he would've had sex with you. You wouldn't have cheated on hi-" Rin pressed his lips together, recognising the error in the words that carelessly tumbled out of his mouth. 

"I know... I'm sorry I ain't easy to love."

"You are."

"Huh?" 

"Nothing."

"Noo say it again! C'mon please." Shidou implored. 

"You're easy to... love." Rin repeated, grateful to be facing away from him as his face heated up at the sudden confession. 

"You're easy to love too and I love you so much. Wanna go to the park?"

"You was just asleep."

"So? It'll improve your mood, it'll be fun."

"Fine." Rin grunted, as Shidou picked him up again, carrying him down the stairs, sitting him on the sofa before he dressed in a loose black hoodie and pink jogging bottoms. 

Rin didn't possess the energy to complain about Shidou's sudden obsession with throwing him over his shoulder. He was blatantly aware of his weight loss, his muscle loss, the newfound weakness, unfamiliar to him. 

He was also aware Shidou enjoyed being relied on, physically. 

He threw his shoes on, grabbing his cigarettes and a lighter, holding Rin's hand tightly as they left.

It was pitch black, but the sky was clear, embellished with stars. Once they were away from the bright main roads, and in the park, the moonlight illuminated their path. Each star, dazzling, effulgent, like jewels in the night sky.

Shidou squealed, jumping on the swing and pulling Rin to straddle his lap. It was awkward, their long limbs still unfit for the larger, "older kids" swings but they made it work.

"Hahaha, look at the sky, it's so pretty! Swinging makes me feel free!"

Shidou was putting in all the work, swinging them both, Rin was silent, pressed against his chest, enjoying the momentum, the breeze, the stars, Shidou.

He was right, for the first time in weeks, Rin felt free. He couldn't stop the small grin from forming on his face.

It was childish, juvenile and so much fun.

Shidou's laughter reverberated in his ears and chest.

"Feels like I have wings!" Shidou sang, swinging them higher.

Rin's eyes were closed, his hair wild, his mind no longer plagued by yesterday's, he begun opening up. 

"I quit art. I threw all my work away." Rin whispered.

Shidou came to a halt.

"You threw your art away...?"

"Mhm."

"Why...?"

"I quit. I... give up." He laughed faintly. "I spent my whole life defending my choice to be an artist, just to quit. Pathetic right?" He asked, his voice low.

"Nah... All artists wanna quit sometimes. We've all fucking crumbled and thrown our shit away. But it's an opportunity to make more, to change your vision, to take a break. It ain't worth doing art if you hate it, you'll only grow to resent everything you produce. Art.. is a process, a passion. Passion wavers, it ain't ever truly consistent. Even if you quit now, in a year, or whenever, it'll find you again. Shift your focus, move on, fucking release it all, it's alright. At the end of the day, you'll always be an artist. Art is infinite. It takes courage to destroy work. You gotta destroy to create! So destroy it all! Keep destroying it. And then fucking create even more! Make it better! Make it fucking astronomical!"

"I'll always be an artist huh.."

"Of course! You ain't gonna just forget how to draw, you might lose some accuracy, you might have to go back to the basics, but then it'll flow again. Don't be afraid. Be open. Better to destroy your art, than yourself in pursuit of it. How'd you get rid of it?"

"I.. ripped up my sketchbooks and threw it all into the sea..."

"How did it feel?"

"Traumatic."

"Sounds kinda cathartic if you ask me. You have the chance to start again. There ain't no pressure to, I dunno, produce the same work you did before. You get to release all expectations, be inclined to start from the beginning and expand your horizons; the fucking title artist doesn't mean shit. Anyone can be an artist. You don't have to draw every second of everyday or dedicate your life to it to be a fucking artist. You gotta pick up a pen and put it to paper."

"Oh..."

"Your passion is infectious." He continued, "Meguru finally wants to start art again, you really inspired him, your art all over the shop walls, at home, on his body. After the show, we're gonna set up some free classes, he's adamant 'teaching kids art is a great outlet.' I mean, I agree, it would've been nice to have a place to go and learn art for free once or twice a week when I was younger."

"Mm... Same." Rin agreed, art school was expensive and long, art was never pushed in high school either. They all had to work hard, fight for their rights to be artists in any capacity. It was a struggle worth fighting for, but it was also an avoidable struggle. 

"One day, i'm gonna have your art all over my body. I knew, from the day we met. One of the reasons I was glad you chose us."

"What kinda tattoo?"

"Mm. Up to you. What d'you think?"

"Back tattoo, bloody wings that extend to your arms or down your back, with a separate spinal cord piece. I think a collarbone tat would suit you, I dunno."

"Holy shit, sounds sick already."

"I guess."

"Feel any better?"

"Yeah.."

"Wanna get something to eat?"

"Yeah."

"I want a burger and fries and a milkshake!" Shidou hugged him.

Rin clutched his hoodie, pressing their lips together with desperation, tracing his tongue over his lips, biting to draw blood. Shidou moaned at the sharp pain, pushing his tongue past his partly open lips, piercing running over the roof of his mouth and behind his teeth as the kiss deepened. Rin gasped as cold hands gripped his bare waist under his jumper, pulling away, biting his neck harsh enough to bruise. Flattening his tongue against his adams apple, licking a stripe up to his jaw.

"This is the first time you initiated a kiss. Sexy."

"Let's go." Rin sighed, Shidou picked him up, putting him down and clasping his hands, pecking him on the lips.

There was a burger place only fifteen minutes away, almost empty. Shidou ordered for them, two cheeseburgers, a large fries and a large chocolate milkshake.

They sat side by side as they ate.

"Say aahh Rin chan." Shidou said, sticking two chips into his barely open mouth.

Rin thrust his burger in Shidou's face, who, despite having the exact same, took a large bite. Also accepting the chips he offered a few seconds later.

He leaned in, two chips hanging out of his mouth for Rin to take. He rolled his eyes, but bit them slowly, inching up until their lips brushed, biting down before the other could kiss him. The tips of his ears were bright red, sipping their milkshake in silence. Before it was broken.

"Are you going back to your brothers?"

"Tomorrow."

"Aw. This is the best day I've had in weeks."

"Mm.. me too..."

"Stay with me tomorrow too."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I dunno."

"Stay. I ain't gonna lay at home and do drugs we can go to the gym, shopping and take some pics for your insta or something. I'll make breakfast, I've been practising."

"What are you gonna make?"

"What do you want me to make?"

Rin contemplated, finishing his burger and stuffing fries in his mouth before answering.

"I wanna have sex."

Shidou choked.

"I hope it ain't because of..." His voice trailed off.

"It is. But... I wanna... try for you. I wanna give you something... make you feel good too.." Rin avoided eye contact, playing with the string of his hoodie.

"Shit... I.. are you sure? Don't tease me."

"Why not?"

"Sex ban." Shidou stuck his tongue out.

"How long?"

"Few months."

"I'll wait."

"You sure?"

"Mm."

The walk home was quiet, fingers intertwined, steps in sync, enjoying the autumnal chill in the air, the moon, bold, in the waxing gibbous phase. When they got home, Shidou was sitting only three inches away from Rin in bed, his fingers creeping towards him. 

"Want a blowjob?" He asked, despite knowing the answer. He simply wanted to break the silence.

"No."

"I'm horny."

"What age did you lose it?"

"Jeez...You don't wanna know."

"Tell me."

"I...don't wanna."

"Why? I thought it wasn't a big deal."

"It aint. It's... just embarrassing... it was really young."

"Sit closer." Rin grabbed his hand, tugging lightly.

Shidou sat in between Rin's open legs, facing him.

"When you wake up, I ain't gonna be here. I'm gonna be at Sae's. Plan a proper date and i'll see you next week."

"No! Don't go. Don't leave again. Rin... I don't wanna be alone." Shidou whined, clutching his shirt.

"You'll be fine."

"I wont. What if you're gone for longer? What if you've finally given up on me? Why don't you wanna stay with me? We had a really good night."

"You have my permission to call me. Text me. Visit me. I ain't far and i ain't going anywhere."

"Then why wont you stay?"

"Cause..."

"Right.. sorry. I shouldn't keep pushing."

"Have more trust in me."

"I do, it ain't you. Its me.."

"It was just sex. I ain't holding this against you."

"Why? Its one if the worst things i could've done."

"It ain't. I don't care about sex. I... care about everything you done for me before that, and now. You feel guilty enough without me holding shit over your head, dumbass."

"...Thanks."

"Uh..."

"What?"

Rin just sighed heavily, pushing Shidou off him with bare minimum effort.

"What's wrong RinRin?"

"Exhausted. It's like I ain't slept in months. No matter how much i sleep, I'm just so tired."

"...I think you're depressed Rin."

"No."

"Yah. It's okay. I understand."

"I said no." Rin snapped, sharply, getting up and leaving for the bathroom to get ready for bed. as he was brushing his teeth, Shidou was at the door, pouting.

"Sorry. It ain't my place to say that. I just... y'know... see the signs... Shit. I went through this too. I still am. I get it. No one was really there for me, they couldn't be there for me. I'm here for you."

"Whatever." Rin pushed past him, heading to his own room instead of Shidou's.

"No! You're sleeping with me tonight!" Shidou picked him up with ease, "haha. No one will believe you're actually pretty cute."

"Yeah and no one will believe you ain't a boisterous, loud, freak all the time." Rin rebutted.

They bickered harmlessly whilst they were supposed to be asleep. They felt at ease. Rin was comfortable, Sae, far from his mind as the sun came up.

It was a bad habit.

They always stayed up until dawn, in silence, or talking comfortably.

Sometimes, even without the drugs, they spoke freely, they laughed, they cried. For the first time, Rin felt.

He no longer repress, he expressed.

By his side, he was beginning to bloom.

Shidou tended to Rin like a flower, watered, fed, nourished, speaking kind words of affirmation in his ear regardless of what happened that day.

It took several months, but now, his hard work was paying off, Rin was comfortable around him. Rin trusted him. Even if he couldn't say it, Shidou felt his love.

Rin was only guarded around one topic, Sae.

He showered without sleeping, borrowing Shidou's oversized hoodie and joggers, heading back to Sae's. Shidou offered to drive, he declined profusely, but he was inevitably worn down. It worked out in their favour, as they watched the sunrise on the beach, Shidou sketching, Rin half asleep beside him, watching the waves.

"See ya, Rin chan. I love you. I'm gonna miss you."

"Its only a week, idiot. I might not even stay, y'know how he is."

"Mhm. Call me, whenever you're lonely. You ain't alone anymore, remember."

Rin nodded, a small smile on his lips as they parted. He watched the car drive into the distance before unlocking the door.

Sae's shoes were at the door, so he was home. It was cold and dark, almost dreary despite the sun. He gasped when he turned and made direct eye contact with Sae, drinking coffee in the kitchen.

Rin ignored him, but Sae called him over.

"Rin."

"What?"

"Sit."

"Fuck you." Rin walked away, intentionally slamming his door with vigour.

Sae burst through his door, arms crossed.

"Get ready, wear proper clothes."

"Go away."