Archive of Our Own ^beta

It had always been known that Sans was lazy. Or perhaps he wasn't; he just acted that way. Papyrus wasn't surprised when he didn't clean his socks off the living room floor yet again, even though he kept asking him to. He wasn't surprised either that they were supposed to watch Papyrus favorite cooking show together, which he loved so much, and instead Sans went to his room to sleep. He wasn't surprised that he often didn't come back quite...sober from Grillby's, late in the evenings. And that he usually had to pick him up from there and walk him home, because the smaller skeleton couldn't get away on his own two feet.

Sans was his older brother and Papyrus knew him inside and out. He knew his habits, worries, and where he liked to nap. He knew his hopeless jokes, what he liked and didn't like. They had been together since they were little and stayed that way until their adulthood, living together in Snowdin. So...Sans couldn't surprise him with anything anymore.

But for some time now...his behavior began to change drastically and not only Papyrus saw it. Others began to notice it too.

And that surprised him.

Sans always woke up late. Sometimes it was hard for him to get out of bed. But when the shorter skeleton started to avoid breakfast, answer vaguely, and wake up around noon, Papyrus simply started to...worry. His older brother began to be less talkative. He tried to smile and crack some... not-funny jokes from time to time, but the situation began to get more serious over time.

Undyne invited Papyrus to a movie night at her house, together with Alphys. Papyrus couldn't wait for this day, Sans was supposed to go with him, but when the evening came and the agreed meeting was to come, the skeleton in the blue hood simply evaporated. Papyrus later found him at Grillby's, completely drunk and although he felt angry at him, he didn't say a single, bad word to his brother. Because he was simply worried. He took him to his room then and Sans was sleeping…sleeping longer than usual.

Another time, Mettaton was premiering his latest TV show, with a live audience. All of Papyrus and Sans' friends were invited, as were they, to support him. Unfortunately, Sans didn't show up, and his younger brother couldn't find him anywhere. The skeleton didn't return home until the morning, with dark circles under his eyes, explaining something like, "I had something to do."

Mettaton stopped talking to him for a week.

And yet another situation, Toriel invited him for tea, also asking for help in her flower garden. Sans agreed without any problems, except that... while watering the flowers... he kept falling asleep standing up and waking up as if he hadn't been sleeping for a long, long time.

Papyrus may have known everything about his brother, but he was starting to realize that he didn't know what was going on in his head.

And that's where the problem began.

Sans hadn't left his room for days. Papyrus had only heard him at night, tossing and turning in his bed among the blankets or going out to the kitchen for a moment to get something. Before he could get out, catch his brother not sleeping, or anything else, the door would close...sometimes even with a key.

Papyrus would talk, Papyrus would knock, but no one answered him. As if...no one lived here except him. As if he was alone as if his older brother...wasn't there at all. And it was killing him terribly.

Until one night, Papyrus woke up, unable to sleep. The night was cold as usual in Snowdin, but he didn't care too much. After all, when you're a skeleton, you don't feel the temperature...that greatly. He sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his tired eye sockets, his thoughts eating him up with worry because he didn't know what was happening to his brother. At times he wondered if he should ask the others for help because he didn't know what he could do. He didn't know what he could do to make things go back to how they used to be.

Suddenly...he heard a noise. Coming straight from the kitchen.

Papyrus immediately tensed up and as quietly as he could, he left his room, then slowly went down the stairs. He found himself in a dark living room and saw only the light coming from the kitchen. Sans was awake again and this time Papyrus had no intention of missing the opportunity to talk. He looked into the kitchen, a bit shyly and uncertainly, and the sight of Sans immediately made him surprised. The shorter skeleton had his back to him, standing at the counter and...not moving.

"Sans..." He began quietly. "Why...why aren't you sleeping?" He choked out, sensing a strange tension, a strange atmosphere.

The silence was terrifying and Papyrus had the impression that he couldn't hear anything, only a hum...a dull hum in his own ears.

His brother turned slowly towards him, his eye sockets empty, without that bluish spark. His teeth and cheekbones were covered in blood, as were his clothes. And in his bony hand…he held a knife.

Papyrus woke up abruptly from a horrible nightmare that had faded to the back of his mind when he heard a scream from the next room that was comparable to someone being murdered.

He jumped out of bed as if burned, ran out into the hallway, pushed open the door to Sans's room, and froze.

The shorter skeleton was sitting on the bed, one of his eyes lit up as if in a fight, because Sans was fighting, but with his own thoughts. His fingers were clenched on the blanket he was wrapped in and he was breathing...he was barely breathing, in jerky movements, trying to get some air. With his other hand, he was clutching his chest, and his gaze was fixed everywhere as if he were in a daze.

Papyrus was terrified because it was the first time he had seen him like this, not to mention his room, which probably reflected the inside of his brother's psyche. Everything was torn apart. Not just socks, but clothes, towels, or food wrappers. It was just dirty. Sans's room was often dirty, but...not this dirty. Why hadn't he noticed anything before?

"Sans! Oh my! What happened?! Did you have a nightmare?" Papyrus ran to him in panic and knew that something very bad was happening when Sans grabbed him by the wrist.

The taller skeleton tensed.

"Don't come near me!" Sans growled loudly, completely without thinking, he yanked his little brother's hand, and a... crunch was heard in the room, hitting the walls.

There was silence.

Papyrus, with shaking stares and a trembling body, looked at his hand twisted in the other direction, and the pain pierced him to his shoulder.

Sans blinked once, then twice, and the loud attempts to breathe continued to echo in the room.
And a few tears ran down his white cheeks.

He raised his hands, unnaturally shaking, and wanted to grab his younger brother's, but he was afraid that if he did, he would hurt him again.

"P-Pap…I-I'm so sorry…I…didn't mean to…I…"

With his eye sockets wide open, black as holes, he grabbed his head and looked blankly at the mattress, feeling absolutely nothing. Sadness and anger mixed. Remorse, shame, and then... he simply felt as if someone had ripped his soul out. As if he was no longer able to... feel emotions.

Like complete apathy.

Papyrus clenched his teeth in pain, feeling tears in his eyes himself, but he was not the important one here now. He struggled to sit down next to his brother so that their knees touched slightly. He grabbed his hand and pushed his hands away from his head. Sans looked at him, with pain, and shame, with wet cheeks and trembling corners of his mouth that he did not have. He felt... terrible.

"I... I twisted your arm." He choked out.

"Sans, look at me. Breathe. It was just a dream, it…" he began, but his brother shook his head violently from side to side, gasping for air.

"No Papyrus…human…he'll come back he…he'll take you away from me again…I…" He began to tremble harder and grabbed his head again. "I see things I shouldn't. If you're gone I…I don't know…I don't know what…I'll do…I..."

Papyrus violently closed him in a tight embrace. He pulled him so close that Sans had no choice but to climb onto his lap, facing him, with his head pressed into his chest. So that he was able to feel the younger one soul pounding.

"Sans, don't say that. Listen, I don't know what's wrong with you. Over the past few days, I've seen you struggling and I know something's wrong. I wanted to talk to you about it, but you've been avoiding me. I want to help you, and I'm not going anywhere from here. Please, brother... calm down and... let's talk. Don't run away from me anymore."

There was silence, and the shorter one tried to catch his breath. He tried to breathe with the breath of his younger brother, who was now by his side, hugging him and not going to leave, even though he had hurt him. Even if Sans didn't want to, even if it was by accident, he knew that he wouldn't forgive himself for this anytime soon.

He clenched his fingers into the material of Papyrus's nightshirt, burying his face weakly in his shoulder and breathing so quietly and shakily that Papyrus could feel it all.

Sans appreciated all these words. He appreciated them so much and wanted to answer him. He wanted to say something more, but for some reason the lump in his throat started to grow and get bigger and bigger.

The taller one closed his eyes and let out a quiet sigh. His hand still hurt, but not more than seeing his brother like this. He was angry at himself for not reacting sooner. He was angry at Sans for not saying anything. He felt terrible about all of this and the nightmare that had overtaken him, but he knew he had to be here. He had to be here for him and he had to help him. And he wasn't going to give up.

"Sans…" Papyrus began softly and slowly. "You should take a bath."

The older sniffled quietly, because his tears had soaked Papyrus' clothes, but he didn't seem to care.

"Are you saying…that…that I stink?" Sans tried to smile through his tears.

Papyrus smiled weakly himself, but it was more of a sad smile, giving him a weak look.

"Maybe a little, but more…I just want you to feel better." He pulled away from him gently to look at him. "When was the last time you washed?"

Sans looked down, feeling a little ashamed, and…shrugged. He was still holding on to him so tightly, as if afraid that he could lose him at any moment. Papyrus carefully wiped his brother's cheeks with his thumb so that he wouldn't cry and let out a quiet sigh.

"I'll prepare you a bath, help you clean up, and then... I'll make you something warm to drink and maybe... you can try to sleep?" He asked in a whisper.

And Sans just nodded.

He didn't tell anyone what he faced every day. With all those terrifying thoughts that ate him up. With the lack of sleep and the nightmares that woke him up every night and made him panic and feel awful. He didn't know why he didn't tell anyone. Didn't he want to worry them? Didn't he want to talk about his thoughts and what he saw? Was he too afraid to look Papyrus in the eye and tell him? Would he...take him seriously?

No, Papyrus would understand. It was Toriel who once told Sans that he had a terrible habit of hiding his true emotions and problems. And he knew...that it was true. It was his fault that he couldn't talk about his problems.

But those thoughts...those thoughts were unbearable. Those flashes, the sight of the human who killed all his friends, who murdered his younger brother. That something put him in a state he couldn't describe. He always felt like he was going to throw up.

The tub began to fill with hot water, and steam rose, making the bathroom look a bit like a sauna. Papyrus simply picked Sans up and carried him to the bathroom, because the older wouldn't be able to go alone. His legs were like cotton wool. Papyrus sat him down on the toilet, told him he'd be right back, and in the meantime, he should take off his clothes. Sans, completely exhausted mentally, carefully started taking off his shirt, and Papyrus disappeared behind the door.

He went to at least wrap his hand in something to soothe the pain. He also smeared it with some ointment. He didn't blame what his brother had done to him. Worrying about him was stronger than any feeling, but he was also determined to find out more and help him.

Sans felt warmness, flooding his eye sockets and throat. He felt like he couldn't catch his breath. His nostrils hurt, and his chest burned. But it gave him a strange relief in a way. He didn't think about the mental pain. He was thinking about physical pain now. With each passing second he felt less conscious. It was...like a dream.

When Papyrus returned to the bathroom, at first he thought that his brother was not in the tub and he had gone somewhere, but his eye sockets opened wide like in a horror movie, seeing a few bubbles appearing between the foam. Papyrus rushed towards the tub, plunged his hands deep, and violently pulled Sans out of the water. The shorter one began to cough and choke. He felt like everything inside him hurt.

"Sans! What are you doing?! Are you serious?!"

Was his older brother just trying to...? No Papyrus. Just calm down. You have to breathe.

Sans coughed and tried to get the rest of the water off his face, which mixed with tears. He was so sick of pain and suffering.

"It wasn't intentional, I swear." He coughs. "I just... I felt so warm and... I wanted it all to go away. All this pain..."

"Stop! Stop talking like that!" The younger's eyes filled with tears. "You could have drowned, you idiot!" He held him tightly by the shoulders.

"Papyrus..."

"I said enough! Do you know what would happen if I lost you?! I wouldn't be able to handle it!" He cried.

Sans sat in the tub, embarrassed, crying, the water reaching his ribs, and he silently raised his eyes to look at his brother. He wanted to tell him that he was dealing with such a terrifying feeling every day. At the same time, he felt remorse. It was very bad and at times he thought that it would be better if he disappeared from this world, but was it so bad that he unconsciously wanted to drown?

He glanced slightly at his brother's bandaged hand, which was holding his arm.

Papyrus noticed that look full of pain and let out a quiet sigh, although trembling and terrified, because of what had just happened. He approached the tub and knelt next to it, leaning against it. He looked at his brother and forced a weak smile, wiping his own, wet eyes.

"I don't blame you but don't do it again, I beg you. I just want to know what's been going on with you lately. And help you..."

Sans didn't look at him, but eventually, he squeezed his eye sockets shut and let out a quiet sigh, and the shadows under his eyes were visible all too well.

Papyrus got up, grabbed some berry shampoo, and applied it to a pale sponge.

"What can I tell you? I know I never impressed you with my laziness, but the last few days...were even worse. Every time I got up, every word, every attempt...to eat something, seemed...harder than usual." Sans told, finally opening up and Papyrus felt relieved.

He took his hand and lifted it, starting to scrub it with a sponge, and Sans didn't even look at him, too absorbed in his thoughts.

"I felt like...I didn't feel anything at all." He continues. "And then there were the nightmares. Like...like a human...taking you away from me, all the time, every time and it never...never ends..."

Papyrus stopped scrubbing his hand and looked at him. Sad, but accurate.

"Sans..." he began.

"I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. It was too much... I should protect you, not worry you, and tell you about your own...death..." The shorter one choked out and looked at him with tears in his eyes. "Heh, it's funny, right? I am pathetic..."

Papyrus nodded his head from side to side and stopped washing him. He sat down as before by the tub and grabbed his brother by the cheeks.

"Sans, this is not funny and you are not pathetic. I was worried as hell. The rest noticed it too. We're brothers, so what if you're older? I want to take care of you just as you take care of me." He said, wiping the tears from his cheek with his skillful thumb. "You can tell me anything. And you should. Especially about something... that has been bothering you so much, for so long."

Sans looked at him and more tears were welling up in his eyes. He knew that if he kept going like this, he wouldn't be able to take it anymore.

"Listen... I know that everything that's going on in your head must be terrible. I want to understand this and please, I promise you that I'll always be with you." Papyrus continued, this time holding his hands. "And don't ever think that it will be any different, please."

Sans buried his face in the edge of the bathtub and... burst into tears. He cried and cried. It wasn't just any ordinary crying. It was the crying of someone who was choked by emotions, who had been fighting and holding too much inside for a very long time. However, hearing his little brother promise... something inside him broke.

"But what will I do... what if a human... he... hurts you? I... I still see it." He cried and said it in a choked voice, so fragile that it hurt the taller one.

"Sans..." Papyrus grabbed his cheeks again and forced him to look at him with his teary eyes. "I'll always be with you. I promise."

The shorter one threw himself into his arms and wrapped him in a tight hug, sniffling quietly.

He tried to calm down, even though he knew it would be really hard, but his younger brother's words and his warmth calmed him down. He felt better that he could finally tell someone and that he was finally...not alone with all of this. With all of these terrible thoughts.

He hugged him tightly, and Papyrus hugged him back, his eyes closed and he didn't want to let go. He didn't want to let go until Sans felt better. He gently stroked his back as his brother buried his face in the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry about your hand. I..."

"Don't apologize. It was an accident. Stop worrying, everything will be fine."

That night, Papyrus helped Sans finish washing himself, thoroughly washing his white bones. Sans was getting sleepier and sleepier, and although he had been afraid to go to sleep for a few days, because of his nightmares, he knew that now he had his brother with him. And although he still had many fears and many terrible thoughts, he knew that someone would listen to him and they would talk about it tomorrow. For now, he tried to focus on the words he had told him. That he was with him, would always be there and everything would be fine.

Papyrus was like his own sun, in whom he simply found support and words could not describe how grateful he was and how much he loved him. For so many years, they had stuck together and Sans did not intend for it to be any different.

When Papyrus had finished helping him wash up, and Sans had even done a half-hearted somersault in the tub to break the tension, the younger helped him get dressed. The shorter one was already falling asleep standing up, barely keeping his eye sockets open.

Papyrus carried him to his bed, and they both settled down under the blankets, wrapped in the warmth and safety that Sans hadn't felt in a long, long time. They had skipped the hot tea for today. The taller one just wanted his brother to rest in peace.

"Goodnight, Papyrus."

"Goodnight, Sans."

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The snow rustled coldly and didn't creak under Sans's feet as loudly as it usually did. It seemed as if the quiet wind didn't stir the treetops, and everything was still. The silence pierced his ears more than the cold did his bones.

He walked aimlessly. Maybe he just didn't want to go back. Maybe there was nowhere to go. The forest stretched out before him, familiar but unfamiliar. As if he knew it only from someone's dream.

And then he saw it.

Red.

Completely out of place in the world - like a wound in the snow.

It lay there. His red scarf. Frayed at the ends. Snowy.

Sans approached slowly, as if afraid it would disappear if he looked too closely.

He froze.

His fingers twitched. He leaned down and touched the material. It was stiff and cold. But it still smelled...

smelled like home.

And he... just stood there. And the snow began to fall again - quietly, without mercy.

"You promised... huh?"