Archive of Our Own ^beta

The air feels so not American. It smells like home, kahit the world is too polluted for that description. She walks, roaming. Just outside to gather her thoughts. She saw him. He has changed so much. He walks like he’s so respected and so acknowledged. Too known.

“Fancy seeing you here.” A voice. Too familiar. No. She knows who this person is. She could never be wrong.

“Same,” No greetings, just a plain word. 

She found him leaning casually. Maybe it was easier if it were this way. To walk away without looking back. Less wounds and less smokes to puff from a twenty-four-hour convenience store. It flashes behind her lids, to the corners of her mind.

So natural. So unsettling that she thinks she might have forgotten the history of their old flame. She wants to walk away. Instead, she joins him. Casual lang, walang malisyahan.

Like tracing the old scar that had settled on his skin. Like knowing damn so well what he sounds like when he laughs. To her, she never really walked away. Here she is, smiling so bitterly because he still knows what she wants.

She quit smoking in college. He never smoked at all. 

Tonight, ironically, he is doing the thing that she quit far too long ago.

Siguro sa dala ng panahaon, lahat may pagbabago. Like how he changed his scent, she knows it all too well. She knows it, heart to heart. Like those acronyms from her crumpled reviewers. 

“So, uh, you’ve been to the States?” He asked, nakatanaw pa rin sa malayo, while leaning his body against the concrete wall. So boyish. Para bang mga bagong salta pa lang sila sa dating paaralan nila. 

One thing, he knows everything that she’s been doing. Not in some borderline creepy eagerness. Just occasional stalkings from here and there. He heard from their friends, not missing the beat of their shared stares at him.

She crosses her arms like her life depended on it, but she takes pride in that. She glances at him. “Yes, I was a citizen there for a good amount of five years.” She waited for his response, like how he used to wait for her outside her laboratory.

“Status in life?” Balik niyang tanong. Wow. Parang nag-iinterview lang for school papers. Takes her back to the old times when he was surrounded by camp journals. How popular. How known. Despite all that, he can never be known like how she knows him after all these years.

She laughed briefly, “Ano to? Interview?” She sarcastically let out a scoff. To him, it was endearing.

“Surviving life, checking patients, paying bills.” He almost smiled at that. But she remained stoic, her face neutral. It sounds so rehearsed, straight from those indie movie scripts.

“Oh, that’s good.” Really? Good? Sa daming pwede isagot. Funny, so uncharacteristic. The old him would’ve been blabbering many responses. He could come up with a lot of responses to extend their limited conversation. Now? Three damn words were enough to stir her insides. Not from adrenaline, or was it something else?

Hurt. Maybe it was that.

“You? Married? With kids?” She swallows the lump in her throat. Tangina mo talaga, Shuvee. Ang tanga mo. He snorts and continues to blow out smoke like it was a practiced movement learned from all those years, like it was a learned skill. Mukhang habit na natutunan na hindi niya nasaksihan. 

Hindi niya sinagot. Instead, “How about you? Married?” Obvious naman siguro na she’s not wearing a fucking ring. Napaka gago mo, Ralph.

“Sleeping with some men is enough.” She lies. It is not the truth, cause, in fact, she never longed to be held and touched like he touched and consoled her. Her gaze roams to him; she did not miss the clenched jaw and the tightness of his expression.

“I’m not married.” Her chest jumps, napasinghal siya sa narinig mula sa binata. She wants to fucking laugh and slap him. 

“But I’m seeing someone.” Oh. oh. That shattered her. Here they are, the tears are threatening to fall. Her chest is heavy, her head hurts, and her mouth is dry. She fucking needs air, a breather. She’s so tempted to snatch that stick of cigarette from him. Get a damn grip!

Either way, she forced her throat to make a sound. She answered. “Does she fuck you good?” 

She laughed again, as if it were the most amusing thing that she had heard coming from her mouth.

Tumawa siya. Tanginang tawa yan. Ako nalang ulit. “That’s too personal, Vee.” Bumibigay na ang damdamin niya. How dare he?! She’s not that girl with that damned nickname anymore, 

It’s so dark, they are out in the streets. Lumabas siya dahil may rason siya, while him? God knows what he wants. But in his mind, he’s sure.

“Why did you leave?” He asked her.

“Be specific.” sagot naman niya. “Ikaw ba ang iniwanan ko? O itong bansa, yung buhay ko dito?” dagdag niya. He scoffs. “Pwedeng lahat naman yun ang sagutin mo, but I still wanna know, why did you leave me?” 

“You know it so damn well, Ralph.” she emphasized every syllable, every word that came out from her mouth that’s been dry for so long.

“Ang alin? All I knew was that you left because it was your dream, and you’ve been fighting so hard to get what you have right now.” Ubos na ang sigarilyo niya, wala ng kasunod, yun na lamang ang natira.

“Are you suggesting I left because of that?” she sent him back a question. “You were right, I left because I want my family to live a stable life, I want to live my dreams na noon ay binubulong ko lang sayo.” She wants to crumble and cry perfectly. 

They are now facing each other with this unresolved tension and unfinished business that others thought was abandoned. 

“It was a success, I guess? We both got what we wanted. You got that achievement na halos patayin ko na ang sarili ko to get. I was mad, kase bakit parang ang dali lang sayo? You were so unfair.” She smiled despite the bitterness that tasted too bad sa dila niya.

“Ang dami ko pang gusto sabihin sayo. Ang dami ko pang tanong.” Punyetang mga luha to. Ngayon pa talaga?! She’s holding back and her throat hurts now from biting back whimpers.

The man she was facing could now see the glistening tears. The glossy eyes for holding back all the time. He wanted to cry too, but he was not done yet hearing her. Because, after all, those years of him waiting for her. He pleaded to which Gods that exist na pabalikin siya.

That someday, uuwi siya sakaniya. That someday, she will go back to him. He wished that it was all that easy, but fate had other plans for them. Yet, here they are. Rain is about to pour, but neither of them could care to go back inside, to walk away from each other, to forget this.

“I left, Ralph, cause I did not get what I wanted, what I needed.” A pause, “I left not because I wanted to, but because I had to…Ako lang ang meron sila. And, I am so tired of fighting battles.” She frowns, her brows furrowed.

“I had to go back kung saan ako nanggaling. Pero, siguro, I was lucky enough to be granted another chance.” She is crying now, and she has never wiped the tears. Fuck it all, bahala na to, siguro lasing na ako, I have to go. But her whole body stops her.

Tahimik lamang si Ralph, but his knuckles are now white from clutching it so hard that his veins are flexing. Sumabay pa ang kalangitan na para bang dinadamayan siya. He wants to scream. He is used to screaming after a victory from beating his opponents on the mat. But this time, he wants to scream so differently. 

His whole world stopped. But those words from her mouth were just pre-game. This was the fucking banger. “Ikaw pa rin, I lied about everything, about sleeping with anyone. Ikaw pa kahit alam kong hindi na ako.” 

She wipes her tears now at akmang maglalakad na paalis. To hell out of this place, gusto ko ng umuwi. 

As she was about to pivot on her heels, the rain dropped. Putangina, straight out of a movie lang? The world kept spinning after she said that, the sky was still dark, and the clouds were still white. Walang nagbago eh. Siya pa rin eh.

“ Stop walking away from me! Don’t just walk away like that! Akala mo, ikaw lang ang nahihirapan? Cause, believe it or not, I did not drink myself to death after finding out you left the country, after you’ve blocked me. After all your friends refused to give me the path that leads back to you.” He yelled after her. He is in pure agony, rage, and yearning.

“What’s the use, Ralph?! You are happy now, and I am happy. What else could you want from me?” she screamed back, the rain is pouring so hard that the only way for them to hear each other is to scream their lungs out.

“I wanted to address you first. I just wanted you to hear me out, Shuvee. Ang unfair mo din naman cause you just walked away like I did not matter. Minahal mo ba talaga ako?” His voice is breaking now. 

“You did not hear enough? I did! I fucking love you, ang mali ko lang ay ngayon at dito pa nasabi. I could’ve just kept it.” She is in pure anguish and distress. Galit kase tanga siya kahit matalino siya sa pag-aaral, galit kasi huli na ang lahat. He has someone now, and she will be damned if she does something that will break both of them. 

“Let me walk away now, cause I said it already, and you’re not ready to hear that. Dahil, after all this time, we were never built to last. But, God,” her voice is shaking, and she lifts her gaze to acknowledge the pouring rain like how her tears are falling. “Didn’t we burn brighter for a while?”  She smiled for the last time, but she never noticed how steadily fast he was approaching now. Like how the moon and sun would eventually cross to achieve universal balance. 

For the last time– nagbitaw siya ng huling salita. “I love yo–” It was cut short when her mouth was greeted with his. Their mouths collide, and they are high. Higher than a motherfucker to declare it. Mouth to mouth, he kisses her like a madman, like a starved man. He kissed her like there’s no tomorrow, and tonight will be the end, and she held him like a madwoman. It came first aggressively, and she welcomed his tongue like her mouth was the salvation, and she was his Goddess. 

This is wrong, so wrong! I have to stop! This is madness. Despite the protests. He is stupid– her brain protests. I am stupid; she argued back. She gained consciousness like those princesses from children’s books.

She slapped him hard. “Ang gago mo! You can’t just fucking do that! Ang kapal ng mukha mo! I am so done. This is wrong.” 

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” he mumbled while looking down and covering his face.

He cries, and he is sobbing. She stared at him for so long that she almost forgot there was someone. Someone who’s waiting for him at home, or God knows where that forsaken place was.

“You already have someone, and I am not cruel enough to steal from them.” That alone screams a declaration of raising a white flag in a great war.

He meets her gaze, “I lied, and you won,” he states.

“I never stopped loving you. It was always you. You only. Lend me a chance, tayo nalang ulit.” He pleads with those eyes. Those damn kind eyes that pulls her through and through. 

Maybe she was crazy. 

“Shut up.” segunda niya. “Shut the hell up. Stop looking at me like that.” Shit. she quietly cusses.

The rain has stopped now. The pavement was wet, and so were they. Two idiots na feeling nila nasa pelikula sila.

“Let’s try again, and if it does not work, we’ll try a thousand more.” He reaches for her hand and runs his thumb to her knuckles. So gently and carefully. Again, with those eyes.

She’s done fighting for others, maybe it was not so wrong to risk again. Maybe it was not so selfish to choose hers this time. Just maybe, just maybe. 

Hindi naman sigurong masamang sumugal ulit. There’s no money to be involved, only decisions, patience, and assurances.

She’ll do it cause she was not raised to be a quitter. 

He was also a fighter.

Their gazes met, and he smiled just like before. Like they were just school kids who were battling for the top spot.

“Don’t let me down this time, De Leon.”

To him, she was perfect. She was everything. Those words were enough.

Inevitable tomorrows are there; to her, she will hold on to those tomorrows. No promises, but there will be beautiful goodbyes.

END.