Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear friend,

I am writing to you because he said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at the party even though you could have.

Please, don't try to figure out who I am. I don't want you to do that. I just need to know that people like you exist. Like, if you met me, you wouldn't think I was the weird kid who spent time in the hospital. And I wouldn't make you nervous.

I hope it's okay for me to think that. You see, I haven't really talked to anyone outside my family all summer but tomorrow is my first day of high school ever and I need to turn things around. So, I have a plan.

As I enter the school for the first time, I will visualize what it will be like on the last day of my senior year.

Unfortunately, I counted and that's 1,385 days from now. Just 1,385 days.

In the meantime, I’d hoped that my brother Joshua, and his boyfriend, Jeonghan would let me eat lunch with their Earth club. When my brother said "No" since it is only meant for seniors. I thought maybe my old friend Wonwoo would wanna have lunch with me. In middle school, Wonwoo was very fun to be around but now he doesn't like to say "Hi" to me anymore since he now has a new group of friends.

And there's Mingyu. Before my older brother went to play football for his university, he and Mingyu played together so I thought he'd say "Hi" to me. But Mingyu's a senior. And I’m me. So, who am I kidding?

On the bright side, one senior decided to make fun of the teacher instead of the freshmen. He even drew on Mr J's legendary beard with a grease pencil.

Placing the grease pencil down, he raised his arms as if greeting us, “Welcome, to the class that is probably the has the most useful things you could learn for the outside life!”. He then picked up a book that has the words “Safety Guide” on the cover and flipped to the first page.

“‘Surviving your fascist shop teacher’, oh this is a really good point, everyone should write that down.” Pointing at everyone as if expecting the others to be taking notes while the other students in the room chuckled. One thing he has not known is that Mr J had walked into the room seeing his impression of him while mumbling something under his breath and shaking his head.

“I knew you would be in my class Mr Genius. Are you proud that you are a senior in a freshman shop?”

“Oh Mr J welcome! Just to note, my name is Jun, either you call me Jun or you can call me nothing” Jun was giving a mocking bow to Mr J in response to his previous questions and everyone laughed once again at his mocking tone as well.

“Okay Nothing, go back to your seat so we can start our shop class that you had held back.”

I felt really bad for Jun. He wasn't doing the impersonation to be mean or anything. He was just trying to make us freshman feel better.

My last class of the day is Advanced English and I’m really excited to finally learn with the smartest kids in the school.

Mr Lee walked to his desk after he handed out the books the classes needed for their lessons as he observed every student he had in his class. “Let’s have some ice breaker questions so we can all warm up to each other shall we? Since we are in Advanced English, it is only right to have it related to English. Firstly, who invented the first paperback book?”

Students around the class looked around or muttered to their tablemates about the answer as Mr Lee walked around the class.

“Shakespeare?”

“Great guess but, no. Anyone else?”

Continuing to walk around while still observing the students, Mr Lee noticed one student’s note pad that had the answer he was looking for.

“Charles Dickens.” Saying it out loud, now circling back to where his teacher’s desk was, coming up with another question:

“When going for plays, we pay four pennies that would be placed in a metal box, the ushers will lock it in a box. And that’s where we get the term…”

“Cash register!”

“Office Max”

Students all around the classroom erupted with answers that were all wrong or just placed together, somehow, and Mr Lee glanced back to the student he had walked past who was now shyly looking at him looking like he knows the answer.

“Box office.”

The student smiles back to him and Mr Lee politely returns a small smile back, acknowledging that he does know the answer.

At the end of class, Mr Lee called the student up and he looked scared as if expecting a scolding from him but he gave a small smile and told him, “You should speak up. I do know that you had a hard time last year but know that once you have one friend, you’re doing okay.”

“Thanks sir, but if my first friend is my English teacher and also the only friend I make today, that would sort of be depressing.”

“Yeah, I can see that”

“Don’t worry Mr Lee, I’m okay. Thanks.” A small smile appeared on both faces, reassuring each other.

How was first day of high school? Honestly Jihoon can’t place any label on it right now especially with all the events that had happened today, heck even sitting alone during recess was something he somewhat felt bad even though that was what he expected since the start.

His father’s question about how his first day was and dismissing that it was just nerves he should have not worried about the day before was just bluntly brushed off since he probably would not understand.

Jeonghan’s reassurance about how freshmen year is when you find yourself had him was the one had spooked him out. What if he is not able to even find a single friend? Would he just be alone for the rest of high school? What if im still the same as how he was last year?

Jihoon was eating some ice cream after his meal, watching his brother, Joshua, send off his boyfriend back to his car at the front yard. A cassette tape was passed between them and the car drove off with Joshua slowly re-entering back the house.

“Hey Jihoon, do you want this tape?”

“But he gave it to you.”

“Oh don’t worry, he gives one each week. You can also take some from my wardrobe in my room. There’s a whole stash in a box in there.” Petting Jihoon’s shoulder before going back up to his room.

Fiddling with the tape, now in his room getting ready to read up the book for his Advanced English class, he looks closely at the song choice that was written on the front. “That’s something…” mumbling as he slots the tape in his player and the first few notes starts to play

"ur so pretty" - wasia project

Well, I have 1,384 days to go. Just so I say it to someone, high school is even worse than middle school. If my parents ask me about it again, I probably won't tell them the truth because I don’t want them to worry that I might get bad again.

If my aunt were still here, I could talk to her and I know she would understand how I’m both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. I just hope I make a friend soon.

Love always, Jihoon.

Chapter Text

Teen Age Riot - Sonic Youth

Over the next few weeks, nothing much really happened. Saying that was an exaggeration because things did happen but who was Jihoon to say?

He had been bullied in a classroom by his classmates because he had not done the book report for their Advanced English class, giving him bruises everywhere on his body that was sure to not be visible at a glance. Wincing at all the blue blacks scattered on his body after taking off his shirt once he got back home and rushing to the bathroom. Again, he didn’t want his parents to see it in fear they think he had done it to himself, finding the pills he has to take daily on his desk and downing them with the cup of water he had.

His shop class required him to make a working clock. His father saw him trying to install the clock hands on the wooden plank he had and immediately took it away from him to do it for him instead since he had “installed it wrongly”, according to him. So now Jihoon just watched the television with the current football channel while also looking at what his father was doing.

The environment in school did not change much. He was still sitting by himself, reading his book but also quietly observing everyone in the cafeteria as they went along with their own group of friends to do whatever friends do in school.

One thing he had attended that was school related is the football match the school was holding at the school field. Joshua had encouraged him to go and watch so he can “soak in the atmosphere and school spirit”. Jihoon thought it was just another attempt for people to hit their chances with the football guys after their match, but no one would be at home since his brother was going out on a date with his boyfriend and his parents are also out for dinner, so he just decided to watch the games.

Buying his nachos and soda, Jihoon walked up the bleachers to find a seat and the only one he could find was near the railings. Sitting down, he looked around to find any familiar faces he could possibly sit with or befriend so he wouldn’t be lonely and the first person he saw was Jun from his shop class. Sucking up the courage, Jihoon slowly got up from his seat and made his way up the bleachers to sit right next to Jun, leaving a gap between them.

“Hey, Jun?”

“Oh hi! Aren’t you in my shop class? How is your clock coming? Mine looks like it came out from a children’s drawing.”

“My dad is helping me build it.”

“Oh that’s cool! Do you wanna sit here or are you waiting for your friends?”

Jihoon quickly shook his head, accepting Jun’s offer, “No no, I’ll sit there”, now shifting closer to Jun to close the gap between the two.

Both sat in silence for a while, not the awkward type Jihoon notes, it was a comfortable silence that eased his nerves that he had before. Jun continues small talks that was related to the past few weeks of school, thanking him for not calling him ‘nothing’ ever since the shop class with Mr J, and also calling people unoriginal for thinking that they are cool for calling him ‘nothing’. Jun even briefly said he likes football after Jihoon asks him if he does like it. It came through as sarcasm but before he could question it, Jun immediately turned to and waved to someone

“Hi Soonyoung!” Jihoon turned and saw the guy Jun was waving to. The guy, Soonyoung, was tall with eyes that could look like they could pierce through you but that was immediately debunked when he spoke up, “Question, do the bathrooms ever get more disgusting? It stinks so badly!” Even pinching his nose for dramatic effect as if he could still smell it from the bleachers.

“Well yeah, it’s the men’s bathroom.”

“Another thing, I got hold of Seokmin just now and we could go to his house later for the party he is holding.” Soonyoung now sitting down next to Jihoon and now he was stuck between Jun and Hoshi.

“He is still going to hold a party even after trying to hit up that waitress tonight from that restaurant he went to?”

“Duh, he had that lovesick tone when I was on the phone with him just now.”

Jihoon kept a mental note of the name they had mentioned. These people could be someone he could meet in the future and that would be embarrassing if he doesn’t remember their names. The match kept going on with the spectators cheering and Jun’s hollering for the school team to win.

“Jun”

“Yeah?”

“Who’s this?” Gesturing to Jihoon who was sitting quietly and eating his nachos instead of joining the crowd’s cheering.

“Oh this…”

“Jihoon, Lee Jihoon.” Replying by himself to answer Soonyoung's question.

“Lee? No shit, your brother is dating THE Jeonghan isn’t he?”

“Is that what they call him?” Jihoon is now curious why Jeonghan is treated as a big shot around here.

“Jeonghan is literally the most handsome but yet nerdiest kid you could ever meet here and I honestly don’t know why your brother is dating him like-“

“Oh cut it out Jun, let him breathe,” Soonyoung covering Jun’s mouth with his hand who was now shouting muffled sounds to prevent him from further gossiping about Jeonghan in front of Jihoon.

“Nice to meet you Jihoon, I’m Soonyoung.” Extending out his hand for a handshake which Jihoon complies to.

Jihoon tunes them out as they start discussing, or was it bickering? over the food place they would go to after the match and Jun even offered Jihoon to follow them to the diner place they are going to before the cheering gets louder as the football gets thrown across the field into a player’s arms who was at the goal and reaches down to the ground scoring a point.

Sitting in the diner Jun had invited Jihoon too, they ordered their food and drinks and were now waiting for it or in Jihoon's case, glancing around the place since there were other people from school there too, while continuing their conversation they had left off back in school

“So..what type of music do you listen to Jihoon?”

“Uhm, pop I guess?”

“Oh my god same, what band do you listen to?”

“Probably Shinee is my favourite.”

“Are you kidding? Shinee is the best, and I mean the best kpop group out there.” Soonyoung suddenly just went on and on about the group and how their songs are the best to choreograph to and that their dances are really amazing.

“Oh my poor Jihoon, just ignore Soonyoung. His music taste has impacted my life for the worseee. So you be careful” Jun winking at the end must have been something Soonyoung has heard so many times that he just asks him to shut up and they start bickering again.

Slowly the topic got diverted to what the 3 of them would do once they graduate from high school and also Jun and Soonyoung’s relationship with one another which Jun replies with : “Soonyoung is my step-brother!” while also trying to push away the said person who was now looking like he was trying to kiss him, “our parents got married after my mom left my awful dad and here we are in this town.”

Conversations still trickled on about themselves and how high school would be like with music blasting out of the radio even when Jun and Soonyoung drops Jihoon off at his house, driving their pick up truck to his front yard.

“Oh, thanks for paying for the meal just now Jihoon”

“Your welcome, thanks for driving me back home. Maybe I will see you guys around school…?: His question went ignored when Soonyoung starts shouting over the music to lower down the volume but Jun brushes him off with a reason that it’s rock & roll before starting the engine.

“Bye Jihoon!” Soonyoung waves out the window before the truck speeds off and Jihoon slowly walks back to the house still eyeing the truck that was slowly disappearing into the night but now with a small smile that could be interpretated as relief.

Entering the house, voices were heard in a room, specifically from his brother’s room. Jihoon slowly inches up the stairs and near the room as the voices get louder. Peeking inside the room through the gap, he saw Joshua with his back facing him with Jeonghan standing in front in a confrontational stance.

“Why are you always so worried about who I talk to?”

“Because what if you are planning to ditch me for someone?”

“I will not Jeonghan! I’ve told you so many times but you still act like some possessive bit-“

A slap resounded across the room and Jihoon did not even process what had happened as he rushes into the room to confront Jeonghan but Joshua holds him back, telling him that he will handle it before pushing him out of the room and now fully closing the door.

Jihoon stumbled back to his room to while slowly getting closer to the window which was facing the front yard where Jeonghan’s car was at. Tired eyes eyeing how Joshua tried holding his boyfriend’s hands but Jeonghan left them hanging as he grabbed on to Joshua to kiss him.

“Hey kids! Guess who is here today!” Their mom calling out to the three siblings who now stand on top of the stairs in suits. Jihoon was smiling the biggest as he saw his Aunt walk in with his mom. His hands which were once holding on to his brother’s hands were now clapping along with his brothers who welcomed their Aunt with a “Welcome home!”

“Aw look at you guys. All dressed so nice.” Jihoon beamed some more, ignoring the pain on his face from smiling too much. His aunt looked at him and gave him a warm smile that was only meant for him, Aunt Helen had once said, and chuckled at Jihoon’s reaction.

Right now, Joshua slowly entered back the house and closing the door with a small thump. Looking up, he saw Jihoon sitting on the stairs who now saw him return and rushed down the stairs to see if he was okay.

“Hey uh Joshua, how are you doing?”

“Look Jihoon, I got him angry. You saw it. I promise you that he will never hit me again.”

“Like Aunt Helen’s boyfriends?”

Joshua paused going up the stairs to slowly turn to Jihoon, “Jihoon, this is Jeonghan, I can handle him. Do you trust me?” a worried look flashed across but returned back to normal before Jihoon could take a good look at it.

“Please, don’t tell mom and dad” Joshua gave a sad smile before returning back to his room, leaving Jihoon at the bottom of the stairs who has closed his eyes, taking in deep breaths to calm his nerves.

Jeonghan is not like Aunt Helen’s boyfriends, Jeonghan is not like AuntHelen’sboyfriends, JeonghanisnotlikeAuntHelen’sboyfriends.

He is not.

Chapter Text

Highschool dance. Jihoon was in a suit that he just threw on in an impromptu manner which is definitely not ironed since the dance started at 7pm but it was already 6:30pm. He could have just stayed at home to study future chapters that would be taught but Jun and Soonyoung pestered him to come or else, else what? The brothers did not complete it before just slowly drifting away to the crowded hallway back during the end of lunch.

Standing beneath the banner that hung above on the wall that was sometimes illuminated by coloured lights, Jihoon was sipping on some fruit punch while his eyes looked around the gymnasium to see Jun and Soonyoung at the other side of the room whispering to each other while glancing at the DJ at the stage. The fruit punch was rather sweet to his liking but he continued to drink nonetheless. Music was blasting, resounding along the walls as students slow danced with their dates.

What more could he do if he does not have a date or even a friend to accompany him during this school event? Now eyeing the picked skin on his fingers that appeared out of nervousness, voices were slowly getting louder as the song slowly ended and another song started to come on,

“Oh my god they are finally playing good music!”

“Yeah we requested it”

“Living room routine!”

“Living room routine” Soonyoung now holding onto Jun’s hands, drags him to the centre of the dance floor and spin in circles with their arms, extended outwards to really get the space big.

Jihoon stood mesmerised by the sibling’s dance as they spun around each other and even carried each other up in perfect tandem. Their smiles are evident as the song started to pick up the pace and the dance also sped up along. Soonyoung even giggled as he was carried on Jun’s back and being spun around. Students around them had caught on to what they were doing and the once solemn mood was now more upbeat with students starting to really dance with big actions, vibing along with the music.

Slowly pushing himself off the wall and placing his cup down, Jihoon slowly grooved along with the song and walked towards the brothers, taking the chance to really have fun. Jun had noticed him first before excitedly slapping Soonyoung’s shoulder and pointing towards Jihoon, greeting warmly and pulling him into their dance circle that had them holding hands with each other before spinning around.

There was nothing probably better than dancing with his friends.

***

Pulling up to a house that had definitely way too many people that one house should have, a guy welcomed him into his humble abode who Jihoon remembered as Seokmin as he started rambling on about the waitress he had tried to hit up before coming back home, and safe to say he failed miserably and immediately tried to hit up on Soonyoung but Jun did not give his blessing, instead pulling Jihoon into the house.

The vibes of this party were the opposite of what Jihoon had expected. Everything was rather calm with r&b music playing in the background and the drinks were alcohol, Jihoon denied any drinks being given to him to prevent himself from getting tipsy or even drunk. Jun brought him over to the couch and introduced to two other people whose names were Seungkwan and Dino are bickering over fashion choices.

“Hello people, this is Jihoon, a freshman.”

“Oh, you are younger than us? You look like a baby!” Seungkwan eyed him up and down while Dino stared at his face as if trying to find a flaw.

“No, he is not a baby, just take care of him alright?” Jun pats Jihoon’s head as he leaves the living room to possibly mingle with others that are around the house, leaving him with Dino asking him questions.

“Soooo, why did you choose Pledis Highschool?”

“My older brother is in the same school”

“Oh who is your brother?”

“Joshua”

“Oh woah, debate club president?”

“I guess…?” His brother is the president of a club? This is the first time he has heard it but before he could question himself anymore, someone came up to him to offer a snack that looked like brownies.

“Oh uh thanks” Taking a piece and biting into the corner of the brownie, chewing slowly as flavours burst into his mouth. A sudden euphoric sensation from his stomach rose in his body, as if he was lying on clouds, took over him as his vision blurs bit by bit from the edge and everything suddenly went blank with Seungkwan and Dino’s chuckles ringing in the background.

“Do you feel this carpet? This material is really soft.” Jihoon’s vision came back, and he found himself sitting on the floor which was not what he remembered as he was sitting on the couch before. Dragging his hands across the carpeted floor leaves a different pattern and the soft cotton felt ticklish yet comforting in a way. Looking up, he saw Seungkwan and Dino still sitting next to each other but now with an increase of people looking at him, even laughing at him behind their cups.

“Highschool sucks, I do not understand why people’s act like bitches” Mumbling the curse word like it would get him into trouble but it got the people around him to laugh out even more. Did I say it louder than I expected? Why are they all staring at me? Did I do something wrong?

“Oh my god Vernon, did you stone him?” Soonyoung’s voice cuts through his thoughts which brought Jihoon back to his senses that he didn’t realise were starting to feel way more numb than it was before.

“Jihoon, how do you feel?” Soonyoung shot him a worried smile as he processes the question like a child being asked a question.

“I feel like I want a milkshake” He smiles back when the people laugh out more and in a blink of an eye he gets brought into the kitchen with Soonyoung across the kitchen top making a milkshake he had wanted.

A peaceful silence settled down between the two of them with the sound of ice cream being scooped into the blender in the background, tuned out in Jihoon’s brain. He has never felt this free ever since the incident and….the incident…?

“Hey Jihoon,” blinking to refocus back to reality, “, have you ever been high before?”

“Well, my best friend’s father used to do it, so it was a big no no for him and he also made sure I never did, not that I wanted too anyways.”

“Where’s your friend tonight?”

“Dead, shot himself in the head few months back”

“…I’m so sorry Jihoon” Soonyoung looked shocked, and his eyes showed deep sympathy but why?

“Oh, its fine I guess. New school new beginnings, right?” Jihoon’s voice drifted off at the end as he thought about the message he received from his friend’s parents, notifying him that his friend was now dead, shot himself in the head with a gun that was snuck in from his father’s room. Nothing was written or recorded to explain why he had done it.

“Just, here’s your milkshake Jihoon, have a great night” Soonyoung passed the cup across to Jihoon before leaving the kitchen.

Now sitting in the living room again with Seungkwan and Dino at the fireplace and his milkshake in hand, their conversation was something about future goals and it had made him rethink about what he does he actually want to do? Seungkwan wants to pursue fashion while Dino wanted to pursue film at a university overseas, did not want to stay in the country anymore.

At the corner of Jihoon’s eyes,  Soonyoung and Jun walked up to him with cups in their hands that were not there at first.

“Hey everyone”

“Everyone, raise your glasses to Jihoon”

“What did I do?”

“Nothing, we just wanna toast to our new friend. You see things and you understand. You’re a wallflower.”

Jihoon started fiddling nervously with the cup he was holding and Jun seemed to sense his nervousness,

“Why? What’s wrong?’

“I didn’t think anyone noticed me.”

“Well, we didn’t think there was anyone cool left to meet. So come one everyone, to Jihoon”

“To Jihoon” Echoing through the living room as everyone repeated after Jun, drinking out of their cups which was awkward for Jihoon, he can’t deny it as he slowly sips the milkshake out of the straw.

***

The radio was blasting once again in the pickup truck with Jun speeding the truck along the highway as they had offered to send Jihoon back home again. A song had started playing on the radio which had triggered something in Soonyoung to pester Jun that he has to drive through the tunnel,

“Im begging you Jun please it’s the perfect song!”

“No, mama Jun says ‘no’.”

“Jun, this is Soonyoung speaking to you right now. I’m begging you to do this for me.”

“I concede!” Jun finally retaliated and Soonyoung gives him a hug and opens the window that he climbs through to go to the back.

Soonyoung had asked Jun to blast the song out, “TURN IT UP!!”, as he climbed out and slowly balanced himself up to resist the wind.

“What is he doing?” Jihoon looked back, worried that he might fall down from the truck, but Jun did not seem worried at all as he turned the radio even louder as they slowly entered a tunnel. Soonyoung reached out his arms to his sides, his suit fluttering and his hair which was meticulously done with gel is now ruffled against the wind.

Jihoon looked out the back window to look at Soonyoung who had the brightest smile he had ever seen on someone, and his eyes shone with so much excitement with the yellow lights flashing across his face which reminded him that he had never seen someone this ethereal before.

Turning back to the front, his face now had rest into a serene look as he watched the lights that he crossed. Jun who noticed from the corner of his eyes how Jihoon was still turned to look at him and asked “Why?”

Jihoon slowly turned to look at Jun, still in deep thought. He could see the end of the tunnel slowly approaching them, speeding towards them with the song now slowly reaching its climax.

Leaving the tunnel, the scenery was mesmerizing with the last few minutes of the sunset and city lights illuminating the dark night was when Jihoon came up with his answer.

“I feel infinite"

Chapter Text

Dear friend, I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while, but I’ve been trying hard not to be a loser. For example, I’m trying to participate by listening to Soonyoung’s collection of pop music and thinking about love.

A perfect example was how he was now spinning around his room, dancing and vibing to songs that were blasting out of his headphones, completely downing out the sound of the outside world. Probably even missed out how his brother was just standing at his door staring at him like he is a total freak.

Soonyoung says they’re kitschy and brilliant, I completely agree.

Finally seeing Joshua who was standing outside his room, jumping at the sudden audience he had. Jihoon embarrassingly went up to the door and slam it in his face which he could get an earful from his brother later on

“Hey! Do not slam the door!”

I’m also writing essays and studying books outside of class. As it turns out, Mr Lee is a writer. He even had a few books published. Which I think is really impressive. Mr Lee did say he and his wife might have to go back to Seoul after this year. I know this is selfish, but I really hope he doesn’t.

My favourite time, though, is lunch because I get to see Soonyoung and Jun. We spent the time Dino’s magazine about dance, specifically Michael Jackson.

“Imagine if I have a page filled with all his achievements! Heck it could fill up a whole 2 pages at least!”

“Oh, please Dino, you probably would give up after doing half a page and just push the work to someone else, ahem me.”

“Shut up Seungkwan!”

“Only when you shut up about this bullshit and let me eat my food in peace!”

“Like as if??”

His best friend Seungkwan loves to pick on him, oh and he loves fashion and wants to go on and take fashion design after graduation. He also likes to stubbornly criticize people but would also shy away from them if they ever are near him.

I’m trying not to be judgemental especially since I know they were all there for Jun last year. Jun never likes to be serious, so it took me a while to get what happened.

When he was a junior, Jun started seeing Mingyu on the football team, on the weekends in secret. I guess it was hard too because Mingyu had to be drunk every time they fooled around. Then Monday in school, Mingyu would say,

“Man, I was so wasted I don’t remember a thing” Jun’s face immediately dropped into something that could be described as despair and agony all together when he heard it from the table behind him.

This went on for seven months. When they finally did it, Mingyu said he loved Jun. Then he started to cry. No matter what Jun did, Mingyu kept saying that his dad would kill him, and saying that he was going to hell.

Jun was eventually able to help Mingyu get sober. I asked Jun if he felt sad about the fact that he still had to keep it a secret, and he said,

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because…at least he does not have to get drunk to love anymore.” Jun gave a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

I think I understand, because I really like Soonyoung… I asked my brother about him and he said when Soonyoung was a freshman, the upperclass men used to invite him to their parties and would get him drunk. I guess he had a reputation, but I don’t care.

I’d hate for her to judge me based on what I used to be like, so I have been making him songs so he’ll know how I feel.

Yet at another party, Jihoon walks up to Soonyoung who is sitting alone at the steps, cradling a cup and staring off into space.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. But I got my CSAT results back...”

“How did it go?”

“An oops to me” Soonyoung now stared at the cup in his hands, swirling the contents in it before downing the whole cup.

“You can take them again you know”

“Yeah, it’s just, if I’m going to Hanyang University, I have to do much better. I wished I would have studied freshman year. It’s a bit of a mess”

“Oh, I can help you study for the next one” Jihoon just threw it out without thinking. Stupid what if he rejects my help? He would think I’m just flaunting that I am better than him??

“Will you?” Soonyoung suspiciously eyed him from the side.

“Y-yeah! Of course.”

“Thanks Jihoon.” Soonyoung gives a pat on Jihoon’s back before slowly getting up to probably get more refills.

“W-wait! Soonyoung!” Jihoon hurriedly pulled out a thumb drive that was in his pocket and placed it in his hand.

“These are just some…songs I’ve produced. Uh yeah, I produce songs during my free time so hopefully you would like it. But if you do not like it I would understand, it’s not really up to my standards and if you want you can return it to me so that’s completely fine.”

 Jihoon probably did not know he was rambling away at this point but Soonyoung was staring at the thumb drive with wide eyes, listening to the rambling going on in front of him.

“Jihoon,” placing his hand onto his shoulder so he would stop, “, thank you really. I will listen to these songs when I get back home later.”

“Really? You do not have to you know, you are not obliged to- “

“I’m serious Jihoon. Thank you for giving me these songs that I can listen to.”

Jihoon could feel his ears burning up as the compliment came in, was it from the alcohol he was drinking too?

“N-no problem! I hope you will enjoy it!” Jihoon beamed at Soonyoung as the latter slowly pocketed the thumb drive and waved back to him as he walked to the kitchen to get more drinks.

***

Jihoon is now standing at one corner of the living room next to the speaker, isolating himself from the crowd after seeing Soonyoung dancing with another guy who he does not know. But he did overhear that it was Soonyoung’s new boyfriend.

So much for shooting his shot just now with the thumb drive.

Lost in his thoughts, he did not realize the same guy who was dancing with Soonyoung was coming up to him, or the speaker? Jihoon does not care anymore.

“You know kid, your mix is morbidly sad.” The guy went up to the speaker to now connect his own phone so he can take over the song choices.

Jihoon has specifically chosen those songs that were playing the past few hours for the party, even making a playlist for it. Jun did go up to him to ask if he could prepare a playlist and even had approval after showing it to him, why is this guy now trying to ruin it?

“How about something a little more upbeat hm?” Searching on his phone to find something suitable to play.

Meanwhile Jihoon was just staring at him, his eyes were probably betraying his calm façade, flashing disgust that would be masked up once the guy looks up at him once again.

“So, Soonyoung tells me you wanna be a producer?”

“Yeah.” Soonyoung talks about me?

“Hey, don’t you want to write poetry?” Seungkwan jumps in the conversation from a nearby couch.

“Poetry writes me, you know?” The guy presses something on his phone and new beats take over the speaker almost immediately.

“let’s get this party started!” He walks away to the middle of the living room with Jihoon staring at his back, probably to go back to Soonyoung.

“If I were you, I would try not to show that foul expression of yours” Seungkwan sips his drink as he also gets up from the couch and walk towards the same way as the guy did.

Was my expression that obvious? Jihoon questions himself as he looks down at his drink, a sickening shade of red that could have been passed off as fruit punch, overly coloured fruit punch.

He did not consider himself as expressive at all.

***

Next day, Jihoon was just normally walking different corridors to his advanced English class, which was in another block from his other classes, coming across his brother with Jeonghan near the lockers.

He has not seen Jeonghan ever since the incident at his house and he had a slip of his tongue, telling Jun about the relationship between Joshua and Jeonghan. Jun had told Jihoon’s parents from the time he and Soonyoung were invited to Jihoon’s house for a dinner, even after Jihoon had made him promise to not tell anyone.

Joshua has been on bad terms with Jihoon now, after their parents forced him to break off the relationship with Jeonghan but he did continue to meet up with Jeonghan in secret, often ignoring him in the house and in school which is on rare occasions. The only times he would even bat an eye at him would when he calls Jihoon for dinner.

Not wanting to dwell on it anymore, Jihoon speeds off to his classroom, rushing to his seat to avoid the eyes of his classmates who were slowly trickling in.

After lesson ended, Jihoon submitted the extra essay that his teacher had asked him to do, getting complimented by Mr Lee.

“Wow, that was fast. You want another one?”

“Yes please.” It was the only distraction he had apart from producing different songs.

Taking the book that was being passed over, he nodded his head in thanks and walked towards the door to get to his next class, however slowing down after a thought popped up in his head.

“Mr Lee? Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?’

“Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” Jihoon was slowly regretting asking the question that has been bothering him since yesterday, but Mr Lee looked deep in thought before answering him.

“Are we talking about anyone specific?” Jihoon shook his head before Mr Lee continued,

“Well…we accept the love we think we deserve.”

“Can we make them know that they deserve more?”

Mr Lee warmly smiled at Jihoon who was looking at him with an expectant look,

“We can try.”

Chapter Text

Sitting in a diner, Jihoon was sipping on a soda, with books of different topics scattered on the table in front of him. He was waiting for Soonyoung who was supposed to meet him so they can study together, for his own upcoming exams and Soonyoung’s CSATs retake.

The bell from the front door rang out and Jihoon looked up, expecting another customer but it was Soonyoung that had entered, waving over to him while trying to carry his bag and other books in his hands.

“Hi Jihoon! Thank you so much for offering to help me.”

“Oh no, it’s alright. Do you wanna start on probability and statistics?”

“Yeah sure!”

“Alright then, page 291 in your book.” Flipping open the thick book that was sitting on the table.

“Oh and I ordered some breakfast for us.” Soonyoung looked up shocked at Jihoon’s words. If he had noticed the slight blush on Jihoon’s cheeks, he did not mention it but just smiled and flipped open his book as well.

This went on for quite a while, with the two going through many different topic and chapters that Soonyoung did not understand at first and now he did thanks to Jihoon’s guidance, sometimes even getting shocked when he finally gets it, “Seriously Jihoon, how smart are you to understand all these?”

Leading up to Christmas, Jihoon had helped with the preparation of setting up decorations in his house together with his family. Joshua seemed to slightly warm up to him now with just brief sentences of where he should place the lights on the Christmas tree.

Jihoon’s phone buzzed one night, being added into a group chat that was with Soonyoung, Jun, Seungkwan and Dino.

Secret Santa

Jun

Hi everyone! Just to let you all know that we will be hosting our annual secret santa soon!

You all should already know who you are gifting so do get it done or else…

Seungkwan

Uh okay

Dino

Yep! I have already planned the gifts

Soonyoung

Dino, Jun is booing you from behind the screen

Dino

What??? This is being efficient??

Jun

That is just being

You know what, nevermind

Seungkwan

Jihoon? Have you figured out what to get for your secret santa?

Jihoon

I guess so? Not really sure yet

Jun

That’s more like it!

Anyways, see you guys soon!

Dino

See you guys!!

Seungkwan

Yep see you

Soonyoung

Have fun getting gifts!!

Jihoon

:)

“Dad?”

“Yes?”

“So, can I have 30 dollars?”

“What for?”

“Soonyoung and Jun are hosting Secret Santa and its Soonyoung’s favourite thing in the world. Please?” Jihoon was begging at this point, putting both his hands together.

His dad sighed as he pulled out some cash from his pocket and started counting the bills. Pulling out 60 dollars instead, passing it to Jihoon who had wide eyes at the huge amount of money his father was giving him.

“Have fun”

“Thanks” Thanking his father before rushing back to his room excitedly with the money he had gotten.

Now with the gifts wrapped in red and white wrapping paper they had gotten from the mall, a free gift for buying many stuff to prepare for Christmas dinner, Jihoon opened Jun and Soonyung’s lockers and placed the gifts inside.

Jun must have opened his gifts early instead of waiting till he is back home because Jihoon received a text from Jun, attached with a picture of him playing with the gift itself in class. A cat bobble head that reminded of Jun when Jihoon glanced at it.

After Advanced English class, Jihoon was stopped by Mr Lee who gave him another book even though he had not finished the current one that was laying on his desk back home.

“This was my favourite book growing up. This is my copy, but I want you to have it.”

Flipping it to the back to look at the synopsis, it does look interesting.

‘Thanks”

“You’re welcome, have a great Christmas break”

“You too Mr Lee” 

The last class of the day, shop class, was for Mr J to evaluate their clock that they have been working on the past few months.

Mr J had given Jihoon a B+, giving a brief comment on his handicraft: “That’s pretty good Jihoon…”

While on the other hand, Jun who was next to Jihoon was so proud of his clock that resembled the Leaning Tower of Pisa, yes it was leaning sideways.

“You gotta be kidding me”

 “If you fail me,” Jun mumbled to Mr J, “you get me next semester”

Feeling defeated, Mr J wrote his grade on the evaluation sheet and just gave it to Jun to move on to the next student beside Jun.

“WHOO! C minus! Ladies and gentlemen, I am below average!” Jun hollered out while waving his evaluation sheet around.

Now at a nearby garden near school after school ended, the trio were celebrating the end of the school term with Jun still waving around the sheet of paper and Soonyoung running up to him to celebrate it with him.

“Below average!”

“Below average!”

Jihoon just stood at the side, clapping in celebration for his friend that he finally does not need to attend anymore shop classes and deal with Mr J.

A few days later, another great news came in with Soonyoung receiving back his CSAT results

“Guys, 400!”

“What??”

“I’m serious” and he was, Jihoon being sent a photo of Soonyoung’s grade slip that proved his point.

***

“No more applications and not more CSATs!!” Soonyoung celebrated in the living room with Jun piggybacking him around even to the kitchen.

“Alright I’m gonna look at my gift…multiple pairs of bluejeans.” Dino looked through the big bag that he had gotten

“Wow I wonder who got it, but I’m gonna have to guess Seungkwan. Wait guys, a receipt! He actually paid!” Pulling out a receipt that was tucked into the bag along with the jeans, showing it around to those around them.

 “Alright brother of a few days, who’s your Secret Santa?” Settling down on the couch with the rest of them.

“I’ll tell you Soons, this one’s tough. I received a harmonica, a Magnetic Poetry set, a book about cats and a thumb drive with what I suppose songs that are downloaded.”

Jihoon almost wanted to dig a hole in the floor to escape this embarrassing situation with the people staring right at him with knowing grins.

“I’m gonna have to go with…Jihoon! Obviously, beautifully done.”

“All right Jihoon, it’s your turn now”

Jihoon stood up to take over where Jun was standing a few seconds ago

“Alright so, I have received socks, pants, a shirt and a belt” pointing to the different parts of his fit as he mentioned.

“I was ordered to wear them all tonight, so…guessing my Secret Santa is Seungkwan?”

“Now why would you say that?”

“You know, he bosses people around sometimes”

“What the hell? I do not?” Seungkwan looked offended at Jihoon’s statement while the others looked shocked at his confession about Seungkwan’s habits.

“Sorry”

“You’ll be surprised to know that your Secret Santa is actually me” Jun pointed to himself with his cup of water.

“Why all the clothes?”

“Well, all the great writers used to wear great suits. So your last present is on a towel rack in the bathroom, delve into our facilities, emerge a star.” Jun looked proud at his speech, with Soonyoung side eyeing him from the side.

“Will you hand out these for me then?” Jihoon passed another bag that he had brought along apart from the gifts for the Secret Santa to Soonyoung before going to the bathroom Jun had told him to.

“No wait, there’s only Secret Santa presents. There are rules.”

“Boo Seungkwan, why are you trying to eat Christmas?”

“Excuse me?”

“Nah uh, no fighting, Seungkwan this is for you,” a white envelope was passed to him

“Dino” a green packaging

“And this one’s for me” a brown box appeared

Dino opened his gift first and in it was a notebook. Opening to the first page, there was a sentence written by Jihoon: “Dino, I know you’ll get into your dream school”

“Forty-dollar vouchers for me to go and buy new clothes, sweet” Seungkwan pulled out the few vouchers that were in the envelope.

As for Soonyoung, it was an album, the most recent one that his favourite group had released a few days ago. A handwritten note was placed with the album that he opened to read.

“You mentioned in the passing that you like this group; I figured that you have not gotten this yet so I hope you do like it.”

To not say that he was touched by the letter was a complete lie, Soonyoung could feel the warmth from his chest spread through as he looked at the album once again.

“Alright Jihoon you can come out now, don’t be shy!”

Jihoon slowly walked out from where he was initially hiding at, fiddling with the hem of the blazer that was now on him. With a tie that was not there in the first place. Now standing before the rest of his friends, spreading his hands out so they can see the whole outfit.

“Yeaahh!” Jun applauded first with the rest following along, amazed at the full outfit Jihoon now had.

Jihoon smiled, looking at Soonyoung who was staring at him as if he had seen someone he did not recognize at all before nodding along with Jun who is now standing up, holding another cup that had appeared out of nowhere, to pass to Jihoon as he cheers for him.

Chapter Text

“Welcome to my room!” Soonyoung opened the door wide open to let Jihoon have a look at the room that they were entering in.

LED lights were hung along the walls with shelves filled with different items ranging from books, CDs and even some albums. On his desk is his laptop with a tiger plushie sitting at the corner. His bed was also filled with different tiger plushies of different sizes that Jihoon has never thought it is possible.

Apart from that, there was also a box scribbled on with different sketches of, tigers, of course it would be tigers.

“To repay you back for the gift you have given me just now, open the box there on my desk.”

Jihoon looked at Soonyoung questionably, worried that something may pop out of it. Soonyoung just grins back at him at pulled him by his wrist to go closer to the box.

Opening the box, there are different books of different genres such as fantasy, plays and non-fiction.

“W-what is this?”

“I did ask around our other friends what you do like, and Jun did say you like books, so I just guessed around which books you do not have. I hope you do like them!”

“I…I do love them, thank you.” Flipping through the first book he had picked up, “Lord of The Rings”.

Soonyoung warmly smiled at the sight of Jihoon looking through the books he had bought using the money he had saved up.

“I just wanted to…gift you some books you know? To thank you for befriending me this year. Hopefully it can also give you some inspiration for your future books huh future writer in the making?” Sitting down on his bed, patting the space beside him to get Jihoon to sit with him as well.

“Yeah right”

“Will you write about us Jihoon? About your amazing friends?”

Jihoon looked down at his hands, fiddling with them as he thought over his answer, “Maybe I will.”

Soonyoung placed his hand over Jihoon’s, making him look up to him as he slowly rubbing his hands with his thumb. There was a sad, or rather a sorry look, on Soonyoung’s face.

“I’m really sorry we can’t be here for your family’s Christmas dinner.”

“No that’s okay. I’m just sorry you have to go back and visit your dad.”

“I’m in such a good mood I don’t think even he could ruin it,” Chuckling as he removed his hands from Jihoon’s to try and fix his hair that was slowly falling over his face, “I feel like I’m finally doing good.”

“You are.”

“Well, what about you?” Jihoon’s brows furrowed in question, “When I met you, you were this scared freshman. Now look at you in that suit, you’re like a sexy English schoolboy. I saw Dino checking you out. Innocent, never see you coming and parents loveee you.”

“It does not bring me far either way.”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend or boyfriend? Not even a second-grade valentine?”

“Nope, never.”

“Not even kissed someone?”

“No, not at all. What about you?”

“…When I was 11, he used to come over to the house all the time.”

“Was he your first boyfriend?”

“He was my…he was my dad’s boss,” Silence fell over the two as the realisation hit Jihoon, “You know Jihoon, I used to sleep with guys who treated me like shit and get wasted all the time. But now I feel like…I have a chance; I can even get into a real college.”

“It’s true, you can do it.”

Tears start to well up in Soonyoung’s eyes at Jihoon’s response, looking away for a while and wipe away the tears with his palms. “You really think so?” His voice was full of emotions that he could not hold back.

Jihoon could only look back at his hands that were on his lap awkwardly, not knowing how to comfort someone in this type of situation.

“My aunt had that same thing done to her too and she turned her life around. If she is able to do it, so can you.”

“She must have been great”

“She was my favourite person in the world, until now.”

Soonyoung nodded along his words, trying to blink away the tears as well as he looked around his room to clear away the bad thoughts.

“Jihoon, I know you do know that I like another guy,” His eyes widening at the truth being said by Soonyoung, was it really that obvious? “But I want to forget about that for a minute, okay?”

“O-okay”

“I just wanna make sure…that the first person who kisses you, loves you, okay?”

“Okay”

Soonyoung nods at his response, slowly moving closer to Jihoon while wiping away his tears that have rolled down his cheeks. With the distance slowly closing between them, Jihoon felt his heartbeat getting faster with his breathing getting more laboured.

Jihoon closed his eyes out of nervousness as Soonyoung moves closer, lips now brushing against his. Tilting his head as the two pressed against each other, he could feel how he was kissing him gently and carefully. Soonyoung moved his arms slowly to hold onto his neck, pressing deeper as their kiss slowly got more intense.

Pulling apart to catch their breath, Jihoon took in the now Soonyoung who was eyeing him with much more love than he had expected. “I love you, Jihoon.”

“I love you too” Jihoon slowly replies as Soonyoung closes the gap between them again but this time going in for a hug with Jihoon also bringing his hands up to embrace him, both still catching his breath from the kiss.

***

“I wanna do Secret Santa forever!” Seungkwan shouts out as everyone leaves the brother’s house to go back home.

“Have a good time at your mom’s Jun.”

“Thanks. And out of gratitude for taking time out of your holiday to come to our party, here’s another gift for you!” Pulling his hands out from behind, in his hands was the clock he had made for their shop class during the previous semester, the slanted one.

“Oh, thank you Jun.”

Soonyoung suddenly appears beside him as he was taking the clock, extending his arms for Jihoon to hug him back. “Bye, have a good one guys.” Leaving their front yard to meet Seungkwan and Dino who was waiting for him at the driveway.

“I LOVE YOU GUYS!” Jun hollers out with no care even though it was nearing midnight, Soonyoung beside him slapping his arm to ask him to quieten down.

Jihoon just laughs at their antics again, walking back to his house with both hands full of gifts he has received that night.

***

“Hey! Look who’s here!” Jihoon looks up to see his father and someone entering the house. Joshua immediately jumps up from where he was sitting from and runs towards the person behind.

“Come here little bro.”

“Hey Cheol” Joshua hugs him with excitement as his mother also goes forward to hug Seungcheol after him.

Jihoon slowly stands up and waits for Seungcheol to notice him standing behind the rest of his family members. Said brother glances towards his direction, eyes widening at his presence. “You, look at you Jihoon” Seungcheol goes towards him to give him a hug like the others.

“Alright boys, come on I got dinner ready.” Their mom gestures towards the kitchen so they can eat their dinner since Seungcheol was now back home. Seungcheol pats Jihoon on the back when he places his bags down in the living room first, bringing him to the kitchen with him.

After dinner, Jihoon walks outside their neighbourhood’s driveway that is now decorated with candles and Christmas lights of many colours. Rubbing his hands together to make them warm, he crouches down along some candles that were flickering with a fake flame and covered with snow that had fallen throughout the day.

Looking at the other people who were also outside throwing snowballs at each other and laughing heartedly, he got lost in thought as a memory flashes by.

“Can you see it, Jihoon? The luminaria is a landing strip for Santa Claus. Why don’t you keep an eye out for him, and I will be right back, okay?”

Jihoon smiles brightly as he looks at all the lights shining around him and his aunt.

Aunt Helen moves closer to him, placing his hand next to his ear to whisper, “Going to get your Christmas present.”

Jihoon smiles even bigger at the thought of receiving his present from his favourite aunt, even during his favourite holiday! She pats his head before leaving to get his present.

Jihoon is brought back to the present as one of the candles loses its light in front of him, probably out of battery from being shone for so long. Standing back up before he gets pulled back to his memory again, he makes his way back home before his parents worry about him again.

Seeing his older brother eating at the dinner table, he makes his way over to sit next to him patting his shoulder at the same time. “Hey”

“God, I miss Mom’s cooking. You have no idea how good you have it, I’m actually starting to hate pizza. So how do you like school?”

“I’m doing okay.” Jihoon raises an eyebrow at his brother who now looks awkward, rubbing his neck.

“How are you feeling Jihoon?”

“Good- “

“No, you know what I mean. Is it bad tonight?”

“No…” Seungcheol could only frown some more at his hesitant response, “I’m not picturing things anymore, or if I do, I can just shut it off”

“Well, you know, Mom did say that you have good friends now and maybe if it does get bad again…you can just talk to them. Yeah?”

“Yeah. Especially Soonyoung, he’s great. I’m gonna ask him out at New Year’s, I think the time is right now.”

Seungcheol does not reply to Jihoon, but he does show a proud smile at his brother, proud that his brother has now built courage to ask someone out. Jihoon smiles back when his brother pats him on the back and offers him a biscuit from his own plate.

Chapter Text

In a blink of an eye, Jihoon finds himself yet in another party, this time for New Years. It wasn't that bad since the people surrounding him were his close friends and those that he has slowly gotten to know like Seokmin.

The fireworks were in an hour, and Jihoon couldn't resist another take of drugs handed to him from another senior. He had started taking more drugs after the christmas party he had with his family, to get his mind off the flashbacks that were starting to get progressively more often.

Standing outside in the backyard in the snowfall, he was using a shovel to trace out a circle around him like a protective barrier. Back in the house, he had seen Soonyoung kissing the boy he'd seen before. 

The drugs were still slowly kicking in back then but Jihoon wished that it had kicked in there and then so he wouldn't see Soonyoung kissing another boy apart from him. "How long does this kick in?" Asking the person beside him, Dino, and all he got was just a pat on the shoulder and a chuckle.

"Shoveling snow huh?" A person walks into Jihoon's view, a familiar voice that he wished he could have heard earlier before he accepted the drugs. Soonyoung, standing in front of him in all his glory with hands shoved in his side pockets of his jacket.

"I need to get this driveway clean. And then, I'm gonna congratulate you on being happy, because you deserve it." Jihoon blurts out, not thinking about what he had just said. Was he being jealous? He did ask himself but that was for sober him to answer.

"You said that an hour ago."

"Oh did I?" Slamming the shovel on the ground, unable to control or feel his arms anymore. "I swear, I saw a tree as a dragon and it even started flying towards me at one point." 

"Okay Jihoon, please don't freak out and calm down." Soonyoung walks towards him, grabbing the shovel away from his hands and places it somewhere else, out of reach.

Linking their arms together, Soonyoung asks Jihoon to look up, "Isn't it quiet?" The stars in the night sky were twinkling, the moon was shining with so much light and there was no sound from cars at all.

"Soonyoung, do you think if people knew how crazy you really were that no one would ever talk to you?"

Soonyoung scoffs, looking over to Jihoon. "All the time."

The two stare at each other, the quietness of the front yard they are at was nothing compared to the beating hearts inside them. It was as if they could hear their own heart beating right next to their ears.

"Do you want to wear these glasses? It will protect you." Soonyoung pulls out a pair of glasses from his jacket, placing it on Jihoon's face with careful hands. 

Still under the effects of the drug, Jihoon stares into Soonyoung's eyes reading his emotions, so much care and worry was seen. It scares him to see someone care so much for him. Turning away from him to look back up at the sky, the stars were now more clearer than before.

Soonyoung places one hand around his shoulder in a side hug, bringing himself closer to the younger one. Even tilting his head to rest on the crown of his head as he also looks at the stars again, not before looking at Jihoon for another time, the moon highlighting his facial features and the stars were twinkling in his eyes.

Stumbling back into the house, the drugs were hitting at full force. Jihoon knew it since his surroundings were just a blur of people, the hanging lights were just a ball of light and he felt like he was moving in slow motion.

Moving into the living room and settling himself on the empty couch, he removes the glasses that Soonyoung placed on his face as he stares into the distance. 

Blurs of someone pulling another person to somewhere, a group of people nearby the stairs were discussing something and many other people moving around confused him. But, it felt...so freeing. He felt like he was floating and watching other people from another perspective that no one could ever see.

Looking upwards, two people were on the upper level at the railing kissing passionately as they grabbed each other. It wasn't long to identify that one of them was Soonyoung and he was with the same boy. They move as a blur as they move down the hallway out of sight.

Jihoon looks back down, sighing with acceptance. He knows that he could never pursue Soonyoung again, no matter how many flash drives he gives or how many gifts he could make, this is something he could reach out but never touch it.

"10, 9, 8, 7...."

A countdown was faintly heard, barely reaching Jihoon's ears, from the people crowding in the living room. Hands raised as they move up and down in a real time slow-mo.

Jihoon sees Aunt Helen in front of him, crouching to his eye level.

"6, 5, 4, 3..." His breathing is slowly picking up, getting heavier.

Aunt Helen leans forward, a hand next to her mouth.

"2, 1..."

"This will be our little secret." 

Jihoon sees himself standing up from the couch, arms flopping beside him. Blinking, he is now outside, dragging his legs across the snow covered grass and walking between the grown trees.

Aunt Helen waves back to him, entering her car.

Jihoon falls back into the snow, he exhales out and a white puff comes out. His blinking is slow.

The car drives off the driveway and onto the road, slowly leaving his sight. 

Jihoon raises his arms along the ground, clearing the snow as he pushes it away.

His aunt's car reaches the crossroad that meets his neighborhood's road. The car barely slows down as a truck comes from the left, crashing hard into the side. Even crushing Aunt Helen due to the impact.

A knock was heard from the front door, and his mom went to answer it. There was a policeman breathing heavily. The policeman looks at her then to young Jihoon standing at the steps wearing a 'Happy Birthday' who had a surprised look. It wasn't long before Jihoon figured out why he was here.

His arms and legs had created a snow angel in the snow. Jihoon lays in that position staring up at the sky. Not willing to move anymore as he lets his jacket absorb the melting snow due to his body heat. He slowly closes his eyes, maybe he could rest just this once, free from any trouble.

It didn't take long for someone to find him lying in the snow, a black figure standing out in the white snow. Jihoon finds himself laying on a hospital bed in front of his mom and dad, a doctor and a policeman. A thick blanket was covering him as well with Joshua adjusting it here and there to make sure it covers his body.

"Are you sure your friends didn't pressure you?" The policeman questions him.

"No, no one pressured me, officer," He shrugs as he tries to shake off the question, "I would never do drugs, never." Joshua looks over at him as if sensing something.

"Then how did you happen to be passed out on the ground at 6 in the morning?"

Oh shit. "Uh, well i uh, i was really, really tired and i was feeling feverish so i went outside to take a walk and i just started seeing things you know? So I passed out."

"You are seeing things again Jihoon?" His mom asks him, worry etched on her face.

"N-no, not really."

He is let off with a warning about sleeping outside and his parents scolding him about it, worried that he had been lost the previous night. His brother, Joshua, just stood beside his bed, a look that could not be discernible, but Jihoon did not care, he just wanted to go home.

After that incident, it seemed that no one knew that he had taken any drugs, except Soonyoung, or even knew that he had passed out in the cold after leaving the New Year party.

Back to school, he had worn his suit and was made fun of by the same few kids who bullied him. He shot back, "It's a present" and all they did was just laugh even louder, embarrassing him even more so he walked away as fast as he could.

He even tried to ask Mr Lee how his winter break was but his teacher just gave him a curt response about how he will have more fun than what he would have.

"Nice look, jag-off." A girl beside him speaks up sharply criticizing his suit, even the guys behind her joined in with snickering.

One night, Jihoon was asked to help out at a jig Soonyoung and Jun did together, a band. He had to replace their drummer who has not been answering the 30 plus missed calls from Jun. It was fun as Soonyoung from the front, the main singer, manages to turn around to look at Jihoon multiple times as he sings songs requested by the audiences, making it more special. 

After the jig, Jihoon hauls a box full of equipment used from today with Dino in tow.

"Maybe you could join the band? They definitely need people when we go to college. We could put in a good word for you."

"Yeah thanks." Placing the box in the trunk of a car and shutting it. Turning to Dino with a grateful smile.

"Jihoon...you know, it's my last year and would you like to go with me to the school dance?"

"You wanna go with me?"

"Yeah, I'm sick of other people. Plus, you looked cute playing the drum just now. What do you say?"

Another high school dance that Jihoon gets invited to. It's almost similar but yet so different. The mood was low due to the music being played and everyone was in a somber mood.

Jihoon tries to escape the middle of the dance, trying to see if there could be any way he could just stand at one side and not get crowded by other people. Soonyoung catches his eye, he is leaning against the wall under the banner, he excuses himself from Dino and Seungkwan and makes his way over.

"Are you having a good time?"

"Not really. How about you?" Soonyoung crosses his arms, looking around.

"I don't know. It's my first date, I don't have much to compare it to."

"Soonyoung laughs out loud at his response, "You're doing fine."

From across the room, Dino seems to be uncomfortable and awkward. He looks over to Jihoon making eye contact and looks away immediately.

"I'm sorry your boyfriend couldn't come"

"Hah, yeah. He said he didn't want to go to some stupid high school dance." Soonyoung chuckles, rubbing his hands up and down his pants, seemingly trying to calm himself down. "I can't say I blame him really."

"I don't know. If you like it, he should come."

Jihoon looks over to see Soonyoung standing there with wide eyes at what he had said before breaking into a smile, turning away from him. "Thanks Ji." He pushed himself off the wall, walking away, "have a beautiful first date, you deserve it."




Dear friend,

Sorry I haven't written for a while...but things are a total disaster.

I probably should have been honest about how I didn't want to go out with Dino but I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

You see, Dino is a really nice person underneath the part of her that hates everyone. And since I heard that having someone by your side makes you happy, I tried hard to love him like I love Soons. So I took him on double dates. Meaning with Soonyoung and his boyfriend.

And I tried not to mind that he loves to hold hands even when I do feel uncomfortable with it.

And maybe if he didn't put down the books Mr Lee gives me.

Or if he would stop calling me the minute I get home from school when I absolutely have no energy to, somehow, he finds new things to say every time.

"Come on, I need to use the phone! Ask him to get off it." His father chastises him as he appears in the kitchen to get away from the phone.

"Just break up with her." His mom adds in, even stopping dinner preparations to tell him that.

"I can do that?"

I know I should have been honest, but I was getting so mad, it was starting to scare me. I just wish I could have found another way to break up. 

In hindsight, I probably could not have picked a worse way to be honest with Dino.

It was at another party, this time only with his friend group. They were playing truth or dare around the coffee table. Someone dares Jun to kiss Seungkwan.

"Hey Dino, I heard that you got into SNU, congratulations."

"Thank you, this one hasn't gotten me flowers," gesturing to Jihoon sitting next to him with an awkward smile, "but I forgive him." 

The kiss between Jun and Seungkwan was done during the conversation, getting the attention back to Jun who suddenly claps, "My turn! Hmm let's see, Jihoon."

"Uh, truth."

"How's your first relationship going?"

"It's so bad that I keep fantasizing about one of us dying of cancer. So that I don't have to break up with him."  Oh how he wished he could say all these out loud, ignoring everyone's feelings. However all these played in his head, not knowing Jun was prodding him on the cheek to knock him out of his head.

"Ji? Truth or dare?" 

"Dare?"

"Okay, I dare you to kiss the most handsome person in this room on the lips." Jihoon stares at the table, without a second thought turns to Soonyoung sitting on his right to kiss him on the lips.

Soonyoung immediately pulls him away, shock evident on his face as he turns to Dino sitting next to Jihoon. Dino looked at him, betrayal so heavy that it was suffocating.

"Oh that's fucked up." Seungkwan mumbles, glancing at all three sitting in utter shock.

"Dino, I'm so sorry." He reaches out to his boyfriend but Dino shoots out of his seat, rushing away from the table. Seungkwan and Soonyoung stand up too to go after Dino.

"Guys it was a mistake, I'm sorry." Jihoon tries to reach out to all of them but he gets ignored. "Soon? Soonyoung? I really didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry."

Soonyoung stops in his steps, turning sharply towards Jihoon, anger was visibly radiating off his body, "What the hell is wrong with you?" He stares at him before turning back to where Dino had disappeared off to.

Jihoon tries to go after him, not backing down but Jun stops him, pulling him to the front door as if telling him that he should go home.

Both left the front door, walking down the steps to the main road and Jihoon couldn't do anything apart from feeling apologetic about what he had done.

"I should go back and apologize."

"Jihoon, trust me, you don't wanna go back in there."

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do anything."

"I know you didn't," Jun shakes his head, "but look, I hate to be the one to break this but there's history with Dino and Soonyoung. Other guys and things that have nothing to do with you but it's best you stay away for...for a while." Jun walks past him, opening the door to his jeep's passenger seat to allow Jihoon to enter.

"O-okay, but how long do you think?" Jihoon desperately asks, looking at Jun. However Jun shuts the door where he had entered and walks to the driver seat, ignoring his question with a look that could be described as betrayal.





Jihoon writes in his notebook, the one where he has been writing down his daily journalling to keep his mind in check.


Dear friend,

I have not seen my friends for 2 weeks. I am starting to get bad again.



Jihoon peeks out of the wall to look in the kitchen.



"Jihoon, come on get dressed. You're going to be late for the gathering." His mom's voice comes from the doorway.

"I-I'll be there in- in a minute."



Jihoon walks into the kitchen walking up to Aunt Helen who's crying at the table.



He's at the gathering, vision going out as he sees himself as a child again, looking at his aunt's photo on an easel and coming back again to the present where he is sitting with his family.

Jihoon reaches out to hold onto his aunt's hand, her thumb rubbing along his. He's worried.

He tries to call Dino to make up for what he had done. "I've watched the dance videos you've sent me every night."

"It's too late, Jihoon."

"I know. I just feel really bad about what I did. I just get so messed up inside, like I'm not there or something."

"Tell it to someone who cares."

"Look, I- I know. I'm sorry. Just, just we've all become such good friends-"

"Good friends? Do you, you mean the people that I've known since kindergarten, and you've known for six months. Those good friends?"

His hands were trembling, desperate to reach out to something to steady himself. His hand was holding on to the phone so tight it could break into pieces.

"Yeah, I mean. I just don't wanna do anything to ruin our relationship-"

His breathing is picking up, it's harder to understand what he is saying. He bites on his lips to gain control over his body.

"It's ruined. Okay? So, stop calling everyone. Stop embarrassing yourself."

"Okay, I will. Good-" the call cut off before he could finish. Good. His breathing was understandably getting shallower and quicker. Hands clammy as he puts the phone down.

"Something's wrong with me." Jihoon meets up with another friend he did make along while he was hanging out with his close friends before, well ex-friends, picking the skin around his fingernails.

"Don't worry about it" Seokmin assures him, picking up a drink that Jihoon had offered to him when he came into his house. "Hey uh, have you heard from Jun?"

"No, he told me to stay away."

"Oh, you don't know."

"Why? What, what happened?"

"Mingyu's father caught them together."






Jihoon was hiding around the corner, speaking to Jun who was at his locker taking out some books. He also sees him looking down the hallway to look at Mingyu who is kissing a girl he didn't recognize. Mingyu had bruises and cuts on his face which the girl traced along it.

Jun turns around to go down another hallway to another classroom. Jihoon intercepts him from going any further. "Hey, Jun, are you okay?"

"Not now Jihoon, I'm sorry."  Jun blurts out, rushing away before Jihoon could ask any further down the crowded hallway.

Jihoon now sits at an empty table in the cafeteria, away from the people that he knew. He glances over to their table and sees Soonyoung studying with Dino and Seungkwan, wearing headphones.

Jun getting his food, walking back to the table. It wasn't until one of the guys that Mingyu hangs out with extends out his leg, purposely tripping Jun and making him fall flat on his face with his food now spilled all over the floor.

"Oops, sorry Nothing." The guy laughs, looking at Mingyu who chuckles at what he had done.

Jun stands up with great speed, walking over to Mingyu who looks away sensing that Jun was walking over to him.

"You gonna do anything?" Jun stares at him, face impassive of any emotions

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your pet ape that just tripped me," pointing to the guy beside him, "Are you gonna say something?"

"Why would I?"

"You know why."

"This is pathetic, man. Your fixation on me-"

"Do you want your friends to know how you got those bruises? Really?" Jun nods at Mingyu's face.

"I got jumped in a parking lot."

"Where? Namsan Park?" Jun's voice was getting louder, overpowering the chatters in the cafeteria, "Do you guys know about Namsan Park? Do your friends know-"

"I don't know what kinda sick shit you're trying to pull, but you better walk away right now." Mingyu stands up, eye to eye with Jun who glares at him. "Nothing."

"Fine." Jun nods and chuckles at what Mingyu had just called him, "say hi to your dad for me." Walking away to where his friend group is.

"Whatever, faggot."

Jun stops in his tracks, turning back to Mingyu with fury. "What did you just call me?"

"Just called you a faggot." Mingyu repeats again before Jun throws a punch to his face. The impact was so great that it resounded everywhere, making people stop what they were doing and turn towards them.

It wasn't long before Mingyu turned back to tackle Jun to the ground with full force, throwing in a punch.

Jihoon looks up from the book he is reading and turns to the commotion happening in the middle of the cafeteria, people getting up and going over to it.

Another punch is thrown onto Jun's face by Mingyu, face turning red by the impact. Jun flips Mingyu to the side and is now on top of him, punching him in the face twice as the Mingyu's lackeys attempt to pull him off Mingyu. "SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN! SAY IT!”

Seungkwan grabs hold of Soonyoung's arm, stopping him from writing anymore and points towards the fight, "Its Jun! Shit." Soonyoung looks towards where he is pointing, seeing his brother getting beaten up by a group of people and immediately pushes back his chair and runs to the crowd.

Soonyoung pushes through the crowd, running up towards Jun to save him. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Running to grab one of the guy's arms but someone else grabs him and throws him back, leaving him to stumble into Dino's arms.

Jun unable to fight back gets punched in the stomach way more times than he could count, even to his face.

"STOP, PLEASE STOP!" Soonyoung desperately tries to get out of Dino's grip.

The crowd's voices faded as Jihoon walks up to the group of people, pushing through and delivers a punch towards the attacker's face.

Silence, nothing seemed to get through as he realizes what he has done. One of the attackers is on the floor writhing in pain while another was clutching his nose, hand covered in blood. Jihoon looks down to his hands, his knuckles are now bruised and bloody, hands shaking from the impact.

He looks up, looking around in the crowd, everyone was staring at him in fear, shock and disbelief. Even Mingyu who had just gotten up from the floor looked shocked by what he had done.

Jihoon turns to Jun who's laying on the floor, grabbing him by his arms to pull him up as sounds gradually come back to him. Turning back to Mingyu as he catches his breath.

"Touch my friends again and I'll blind you."