Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Till let his body fall onto the bed as soon as he stepped into the dorm room. His exhausted body welcomed the softness of the mattress beneath him; though the bed was slightly more bland than he remembered.

It had been a while since he last slept on campus. Since he lived nearby, he usually went home every day after his classes. Today, however, his mom wasn't going to be home, and he had an exam first thing tomorrow morning. He figured it would be best to stay over and avoid any mishaps, ensuring he arrived on time.

Fortunately for him, his roommate was nowhere to be found today. Ivan was at some intense training sessions because there was an upcoming classificatory match next week. Everyone on campus was talking about it, which irritated him. Ivan this, Ivan that... Why was that asshole so damn popular?

“Ugh, stop thinking about him–” Till groaned, sitting back up in bed and grabbing his bag, which he had dropped onto the floor while fetching his books to study.

Ivan had always been the annoying kid who followed him around. At school, they fought most of the time because Ivan couldn't stop stealing his things. Despite that, Till allowed him to stick around. After all, Ivan was the only kid who wasn't put off by his permanent frown and wasn't afraid of his loudness. So naturally, they grew up together and became really close. 

Or so Till thought. 

They had a strange relationship, spending most of their time bickering and bothering each other. But neither of them would stay away from one another for too long. Until…recently.

To Till, Ivan was like a best friend. He was one of the few people he would allow to get so close to him, even though he was annoyed by him most of the time. But lately he had been too busy with his new fake persona around campus. Being the popular guy was a normal thing for Ivan, but back in highschool he would at least have some time to stick around him. Which made Till a bit troubled. Mad even. However, thinking about it all made Till feel uncertain in a way he didn't want to acknowledge at the time.

He rolled onto his back on the bed, letting the book rest over his face.

"I can't concentrate at all..." He groaned under his breath, tossed the book to the side, and grabbed his phone.

Absent-mindedly opening his social media, he saw Ivan's face from today's training pop up first thing. Someone from his fan club was live-streaming it. The stupid fake smile he had on while waving at the camera and the giggling of the girl streaming it made Till scoff and close the app instantly.

People had this misconception about him, almost idealising him to the point where he was considered Prince Charming. Handsome, athletic, charismatic, mature... He couldn't deny most of the adjectives. They fit him perfectly. Except for the last one. No one but him seemed to know how childish Ivan could be.

He had now closed his social media to avoid coming across Ivan’s face, so he was browsing through his phone gallery. Most of the recent photos were selfies of him, photos with Mizi –and with Sua giving him glares for it– or scans of his drawings. But an all-too-familiar goofy smile caught Till’s attention and he frowned slightly.

“Da hell did this come from?” he whispered to himself, analysing the picture and trying to pinpoint who had sent it or when he had saved it.

Ivan’s face covered almost the entire screen. It was as if he was mocking him with that silly grin and his crooked fang, which made his lips look cute in a way. Though, if you asked Till, he would definitely describe it as a devilish grin. Having examined more of the picture and the file's details, he was certain that Ivan had taken it the last time they hung together –around a month ago– probably when he had asked to have his picture taken instead.

This moron.

Till thought, even though he found himself smiling slightly at the picture and moving it to a special folder labelled 'Asshole'. His curiosity got the better of him when he saw that the folder was almost full of hundreds of pictures, which made him wonder if he really had that many photos of Ivan saved. The most recent ones were selfies that Ivan had taken with his phone. Till knew Ivan probably did it just to piss him off when he tried to check his own picture later, but he still kept them. He wasn't really sure why he did it, but he had got used to doing just that. 

Till sighed, most of the pictures were from months ago, indicating how long it had really been since the last time they spent some time together. There were also some pictures he had taken during previous matches, just because he thought they looked cool. Excusing it as artistic exercise. Or simply to mock Ivan later for the ugly faces he does while playing –which are close to none, since he manages to look good whatever he does.

Other pictures, however, were simply screenshots taken from Ivan's stories. Some of those were so silly or so good that it would be a shame to only have them for 24 hours. Till wanted to convince himself that he had done it just to bother Ivan later, but the soft smile that appeared on his lips as he glanced at the pictures suggested otherwise.

Then again, he wouldn't acknowledge it.

Scrolling down a bit more, pictures from way back in high school appeared on the screen. Till instantly frowned and shook his head, turning off his phone to avoid getting lost in the memories.

Why was he looking at more pictures of Ivan when it pissed him off? Why did that piss him off, though? Was it because he hadn't had the chance to hang out with him lately? Was he missing him? Till slapped his cheeks as he felt them turn warm at the intrusive thought.

Sitting up on the bed again, he tried to gather his thoughts, and glanced at Ivan’s empty bed across the room. He sighed and walked towards the bathroom, pouring cool water over his face. Feeling a bit more refreshed, Till went back to lie down on his bed, this time on his belly, his chin resting on the pillow, as he took the book to try and study some more.

Why did he need to know all those dates, names, and historical details just to talk about one statue? He often wondered about that in his art history classes. But rather than questioning it, he really needed to start memorising. Remembering the names of the pieces themselves wasn’t difficult. But recalling when they were made or whether they belonged to a political setting or another confused him every time. 

His eyes moved to analyse the statue itself in the picture. Bernini’s Rape of Proserpina. The sculpture portrays Pluto, the god of the Underworld, abducting Proserpina, claiming her to his realm. The sculpture captures the moment of the forceful abduction, with Pluto's hand gripping Proserpina's thigh, and Proserpina struggling against him. 

It was a beautiful piece of art; the artist had paid great attention to detail, such as the way the fingertips dug into the flesh. He admired the way the muscles were positioned and how they bent, stretched and worked in such a dynamic position even though forever still in time. It was truly mesmerising and made him wonder if he would ever be able to create something as fine.

“Do people's arms really look like that, tho?” he muttered to himself as he analysed the biceps and tight grasp of the man's hand in the sculpture. The way his fingers dug into the woman's thigh in high detail caught his artistic attention.

He rolled onto his side and with no second thought, he pulled down his pants enough to expose one of his thighs. Then he squeezed his skin, noticing how it moulded to the pressure of his fingers. That was such a high level of detail to take into consideration when crafting something like a statue... But still, his slim, long fingers looked nothing like the manly hand depicted in the picture. He scoffed as he glanced at his hands.

Perhaps if Ivan's hand were grabbing his thigh tightly, it would resemble the statue more closely.

…

His face immediately turned red at the thought, and he stopped digging at his flesh, as if he had been burnt by it. What on earth was wrong with him today? What was that thought just now!?

He frowned and shook his head frantically. He was uncertain as to whether he was more perturbed by the fact of having entertained such a thought, or whether it had provoked a certain curiosity as to how it felt.

Did Ivan's hands even look like that to begin with? Till grabbed his phone back and started scrolling through his photo gallery, looking for pictures of Ivan's hands to try and dispel his doubts. But the more he looked at Ivan's face, the more his chest hammered and the warmer his face grew by the second. There were no photos in which Ivan's hands were clearly visible. So he scoffed and opened social media instead. As if he knew where to look, he went straight to the official Ivan’s fan club profile and scrolled through the posts.

Most of the photos were of Ivan's face, taken from afar or during a game. But then a picture of him celebrating a victory without a shirt on, caught Till’s attention almost immediately.

"These girls are shameless, posting stuff like this..."

Despite his words, he found himself analysing the picture thoroughly. He admired the way Ivan’s biceps bulged as he flexed his arm and held his fist in the air. Ivan had an open-mouthed smile on his face and his nose was scrunched up from his genuine happiness. Till found himself drawn to the photo more than he had initially thought he would, and he looked intently at the way Ivan’s veins stood out on his hands.

Did Ivan's hands always look that big, or did the picture just create that impression? Till glanced at his own fist and almost laughed wryly at the difference in size. Ivan had been a small, slim child at first. He beat his ass every time back then. When and how did this jackass get so… big?

You know when a small idea pops into your head and you can't stop the train of thought that follows? Well, that's what happened to Till just now.

He couldn't blame those girls for ogling him all the time. To drool over his physique and scream every time they got a glimpse of his well-tanned abs. He was just as shameless as them at the moment.

His teal gaze stuck in those pecs, abs, arms and veins. He would usually complain about how disgusting it was to have Ivan near when he was that sweaty. But now, he swallowed hard as more intrusive thoughts filled his mind. The fact that Ivan's expression in that photo was genuine instead of his usual fake nonchalant grin made matters worse. Seeing Ivan act like his true honest self always made Till feel tingly inside. But –once again– he was scared to acknowledge what that meant.

As if on autopilot, he took a screenshot of the post. Scrolling further down, he saw another photo of Ivan's broad, exposed back.

Where the hell those these girls get these pics–

As he wondered if he was missing out by not checking his training or matches more frequently, he took another screenshot. He continued to do this with every picture he could find of a half-exposed Ivan.

He took a deep breath as he went back to his gallery. The number of pictures was a bit concerning, but he didn't care at the moment. All he could focus on was moving those pictures into his Ivan folder and scrolling through them once more.

His imagination ran wild. Would Ivan be able to lift him up with one hand using those strong-looking arms of his? Would those pecs feel soft or firm under his touch? Would Ivan tense up if he roamed his fingers over his six-pack? An all-too-familiar aching need started to build up within him. He felt disgusted by the thought, but he was far too needy at this point.

Was he really getting turned on while looking at pictures and fantasising about his best friend?

It seemed so.

Till shook his head and threw his phone somewhere onto the bed.

“Shit” 

He pressed his hands against his face, trying to wipe the thoughts from his mind. But when he closed his eyes, he could still picture Ivan's face and muscles. Oh, that damn face. And that cursed body…

“Fuck- Shit- Okay Till, stop!” he grumbled to himself before staring blankly at the ceiling.

He was just being needy. That was all. Anyone would do. It wasn't the fact that it was Ivan that turned him on. Definitely. Yeah. That's it.

...

He took a deep breath and tried to forget about Ivan as he glanced down at his bulging boxers. He hadn’t pulled his jeans back up, and now the sight was painfully embarrassing. He needed to take care of that, whether he liked it or not.

Till tried to keep his mind blank, not picturing anyone or anything, as he reached down to slide his hand over his boxers. His breath caught in his throat as he stroked himself through his clothes, his fingers digging in slightly. He really did get worked up so easily; it bothered him. Shaking his head again, Till tried to focus on the task at hand –literally– instead of second-guessing how he had got into that situation in the first place.

He could feel his cheeks burning. Both because of arousal and the fact that he was embarrassed as hell for the whole situation. It was more the latter than anything, but he tried not to consider it. Really. But once you start, you can't stop. And that’s what happened to Till.

That damn asshole irritated him even when he wasn’t around. In fact, Till was starting to think that his absence was the main reason for his anger. He hated the fact that he wasn’t there. With him. Tending to him. With that huge hand of his–

At the thought, a small whine escaped Till's lips as he squeezed himself a little bit. Fuck. He was doing it again. Thinking of Ivan while jerking off was something he had never expected to do. But then again... it felt oddly right. And his body reacted in kind, so he could only concede a little bit.

Succumbing to his purest desire, he finally decided to stop scolding himself morally and let his fantasies run wild. Grabbing back his phone, he revelled in the thought of Ivan as he continued to seek release, while glancing at the other’s picture.

But then he suddenly tensed at the sound of a key in the door. He immediately rolled onto his side, pulled out his hand from his boxers and let it rest between his thighs, facing the wall. On his other hand, he turned off his phone screen as fast as he could as he grasped the device tightly. Ivan shouldn't be back from training this early; it hadn't been that long.

Feeling mortified, he silently pleaded to any God above –if there was one– to have mercy on him and let Ivan not notice what had been going on for the last few minutes.

“Till?” Ivan's low raspy voice filled the silent room as he approached Till's bed.

Feeling his heart hammering in his ears, Till closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. From outside, it almost looked as if he had been studying and had then dozed off. Almost. That's what he wanted to believe, as he lay still over the bed, covering his erection while his history book lay scattered around him.

Seeing no response from Till, Ivan leaned over his shoulder as if to check if he was asleep. He smiled softly at the sight of him looking so peaceful and vulnerable. However, he was very familiar with Till's demeanour and immediately noticed that his breathing was slightly laboured for someone who was seemingly asleep. His soft smile turned into a playful grin as he hovered over Till. His shadow loomed above him as he adjusted his position.

And even though Till had his eyes closed, he could feel Ivan's shadow on him. This made him unconsciously hold his breath, which only made matters worse. Ivan had noticed that he was not asleep, and faking it further would only give Ivan the opportunity to mess with him.

And so he did.

Ivan sent a sharp, cold blow to Till's reddened ear, causing a tingling sensation that sent shivers down the "asleep" boy's spine, and made him bite his lip slightly to prevent a soft gasp from escaping his mouth.

How cute. Ivan thought, Till's reaction not going unnoticed by his observant gaze.

Having known Till was going to stay over today, Ivan would've gotten back earlier. It wasn't on his plans getting a sprained ankle from training so hard. At first he cursed and blamed himself for it, but now, noticing he got to catch Till in their dorm thanks to it, he didn't see it as bad.

Why was Till faking being asleep though? Did Till hate him so much that was doing everything possible to not have to interact with him? Even though a normal person would frown at the idea, Ivan found it so amusing that a chuckle almost escaped his smiling lips. Because after all he was not normal about Till. Not a single bit.

Ivan bent over a little more, pressing his hand against the wall beside Till's bed so that he could comfortably hover over him. Through his lashes, his dark eyes examined Till as he glanced down at his sleeping form. His greyish-teal hair was messy and sprawled over the pillow. His fringe covered his dark lashes; he should probably cut it soon, unless he wanted to go for the full Tumblr emo look. Ivan smiled and brushed a strand of hair off Till’s closed eyes.

The gentle touch of Ivan's fingertips barely brushing against his forehead made Till shiver once more. What on earth was Ivan doing? Why was he being so tender with him? It pissed him off. But it also made him crave more of Ivan's gentle care. Involuntarily, he clasped his thigh tighter.

And that was when Ivan noticed.

Why had Till taken his jeans off? Raising one of his thick, dark eyebrows, Ivan saw that Till had one hand hidden between his thighs. And the other was clasping at his phone, almost trembling.

Had he just… walked in on him?

Ivan felt a sudden rush of indescribable feelings at the thought. He took a deep breath, which Till heard, and rather too close to his ear for his liking too. Feeling the tension build, Till silently prayed for Ivan to stop whatever the fuck he was doing and leave him alone so he could run away.

Luckily for him, Till heard the other's footsteps retreating. Hoping he was heading for the bathroom, Till let out all the air he had been unconsciously holding once he heard the door close and the shower run.

Almost in a state of panic, he hurriedly pulled his jeans back up, grabbed his book and bag, and tried to rush out of the room, almost throwing himself off the bed in the process. But as soon as he tried to do so, Ivan's mocking grin greeted Till as he turned around to face the door and saw the asshole leaning over the wardrobe across the bathroom door.

“So… I really did walk in on you…” Ivan's eyes shamelessly lingered on the bulge peeking out of Till's unzipped jeans, which he had been trying to close before he froze in place.

All Till could do was gasp like a fish out of water. No words came out of his mouth as he felt the blood instantly rush to his face. He would rather be six feet under at that moment.

“S-Shut up! Why the fuck are you even here!?” he finally lashed out at him, while rushedly doing his button, feeling a bit too conscious of Ivan lingering gaze.

Even if he had zipped his pants back up, it was impossible to hide his aching erection. 

“This is my dorm too, remember?” Ivan smirked.

Oh no. Till knew that grin all too well. Ivan had found a way to mess with him and start unnecessary bickering. 

“So…” Shadowing over Till with his height and widening his devilish grin as he saw Till’s trembling hands and eyes, Ivan rolled his words out in an exaggeratedly sweet tone just to mess around with him. “What were you jerking it to?”

“I was n-not-!”

Wrong. By denying anything at this point he was giving Ivan what he wanted. More reasons, points or material to prove Till wrong and mess around.

”Hmm? No? So your little buddy just came out to greet me?” Ivan's gaze flicked between Till's flustered face and needy –and probably aching– erection.

“What-!? It is NOT small-!!”

“Oh, so then it did came out to greet me?”

Fuck. Till had walked straight into that one by getting bothered by the wrong part of the sentence. Not that he could lie about it, though. It really happened because of him. This gave Till more than enough reasons to try to walk away from that situation he found himself in as soon as possible.

“Shut up! Whatever you say- If you're not using the bathroom I will-” Till tried to brush it off by making a second attempt at escaping. But Ivan didn't let him.

“Nu-uh, I wanna see what got you so hard. Maybe we could start sharing… stimulating content.”

The way he phrased it; the way his low voice growled as he said it; the mischievous smile on his face and the condescending look in Ivan's half-lidded eyes as he glanced down at Till had the latter on the brink of melting right there and then.

On the one hand, he was ashamed. He was embarrassed as hell for being walked in. His whole body shook with nervousness at the thought of how to avoid being humiliated like this, precisely by Ivan.

But on the other hand, seeing the real thing right in front of him, hearing him talk to him like that and feeling his gaze fixated on his lower body – for merely annoying purposes, or so he believed – made Till even more eager for Ivan's touch now that he was face to face with him. He instantly shook his head. His face showed horror as he raised his tone. His voice almost cracked as he replied to Ivan.

“No way in hell! Now move, asshole”

As Till tried to rush past his side, Ivan immediately put to work those player reflexes of his and blocked his path wherever he tried to make an attempt to slide away. And as Ivan continued to block Till's path, he also started approaching him, caging Till more onto the bed behind him.

“I said move!” Till screamed in annoyance.

“Show me your porn first and then I'll let you” he smirked. 

Why was Ivan being so difficult? OK, he could understand laughing at him a little. But insisting so much on finding out what excited him only made Till more irritated by the second. Why couldn't he just act like a normal person for once?!

“I wasn't watching porn!”

Another mistake.

“Then, what are you clutching your phone so tightly for?”

Shit, shit, shit! Till's brain wasn't of any help at the moment. He wanted to try his best to hide the photos. But his mind was too focused on rushing blood to his dick, making it throb with need, instead of sending it to his brain to be able to come up with feasible excuses.

It was all Ivan's fault...

“Fuck off! I don't need to show you anything- Now move your stupid ass or…!?”

“Or… what?” Ivan smiled as he stepped forward once more. He stretched his hand out slowly towards Till's phone, which Till clutched closer to his chest in an attempt to keep it out of reach. "I can easily tackle you down... Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

Till could feel every fiber of his being shivering at the thought of Ivan pinning him down.

This is not the time for that-! He scolded himself, panicking even more as he tried to find a way out, but his legs had already reached the edge of the bed behind him. Ivan wasn't going to give up easily.

“Come on Till, there's no need to be shy. I'll just take a look. I won't judge~” his lips curved into even meaner smirk. 

“I said no!”

“I don't think I'll be surprised… Why are you being so stubborn?” Ivan grabbed Till's wrist and tried to get his hand away from his chest not too forcefully. 

“Let go! Stop being an asshole, asshole!!”

Ivan chuckled and allowed him to resist for a little while longer. He always had so much fun messing around with Till. His expressions and reactions were raw, sincere and intense. It was a sight that Ivan always loved to feast on. So perfect.

“Hmm? What did ya say? Didn't hear ya”

Ivan easily applied more force to his grip, moving Till’s hand against his will. The look of panic on Till's face sent a pleasant shiver down his spine.

“Stop!”

“Just a little peek! Come on, I know I'm gonna see Mizi's face anyway-”

“WHAT!? I'll never do something so DISGUSTING like that!! Not to HER” Till suddenly screamed, clearly angry and genuinely offended that Ivan thought so low of him. 

Yes, he did have a crush on Mizi.

When he was twelve.

At school.

Almost a decade ago.

But Ivan always seemed to be hung up on the idea that Till still liked her. Even though that was proven false a long time ago.

“It's not that? Now you've made me even more curious... What thing deserves that... disgusting act of yours?”

Till's eyes widened at his slip of the tongue. He definitely had to stop Ivan from finding out that he was masturbating at the thought of him. Otherwise, he would get the wrong idea.

But everything happened really fast.

Tired of giving Till a chance, Ivan easily got the phone out of his grasp. Till still protested as he tried to retrieve it, but Ivan pushed him onto the bed. One of Ivan's knees rested between his legs, hovering over him while fiddling with his phone in his right hand. At the sudden push, Till felt wobbly for a moment. But as soon as he tried to prop himself up with his elbows, Ivan turned the phone towards his face to unlock it using his face ID –since it was faster than typing the password, which Ivan knew but he was running low on patience already– while keeping him from moving forward pressing his free hand onto Till's chest.

Till felt his body freeze on the spot.

No way.

No, no, no!

This couldn't be happening.

His heart was beating wildly, his chest painfully throbbing as if attempting to escape. And worst of all, he was sure Ivan could feel it beating against his palm.

Ivan hummed softly. And then he raised one eyebrow in plain confusion.

He wanted to mess with Till, to make him angry and flustered. He pressed on a matter that clearly made Till uncomfortable just to get a reaction out of him. Of course, he was also curious to discover some of the things that filled Till with desire…

But he was not expecting what he saw at that moment.

As soon as Till's phone screen unlocked, he found himself staring at his own picture. Plenty, to be precise. Scrolling through with his thumb, he noticed that he was looking through a folder of photos of himself only.

“Heh …” Ivan let out a soft chuckle, leaving Till confused.

What kind of reaction was that?

Was he angry? Amused? Disgusted?

Till felt a rush of thoughts fill his head as he waited quietly for any kind of response that would reveal more of Ivan's thoughts on the matter.

But Ivan's reaction just made Till even more confused. Hovering over him, Ivan turned the phone around to show Till the victory picture that had made him scroll through all of Ivan's photos in the first place.

It looked like he stopped right at the one that started it all –missing the whole rest of normal pictures in the folder.

"So, you like muscles? Watching ripped guys while touching yourself? I'm flattered that you consider me worthy of such a ...disgusting service.”

If that was even possible, Till's face felt hotter. He wanted to protest; he really wanted to say something. But...

“It's not–”

Nothing like that? He couldn't deny it entirely. Except for the part where Ivan implied that anyone would do. That wasn't true. Till only wanted him. The realization hit hard, but Ivan's actions were faster than Till's words.

"Should I do this for you then?" Ivan whispered huskily, brushing his free hand against Till's erection as he slowly unzipped his jeans again.

A soft gasp escaped Till's throat; he could feel everything twice as intensely now that Ivan was actually there, above him.

Ivan's tantalising gaze took in every single flick of Till's eyelashes, every soft bit of his lower lip and even the slightest shiver that ran down his spine at the feeling of Ivan's teasing fingers roaming over the cloth. Seeing no sign of denial or anything indicating that Till was against the idea, Ivan went further, testing how far he could go. 

It was as if a switch had been flicked on in his head; it couldn't be stopped now, as he had been holding it down for so long. And now it was unravelling fast and desperately.

Just as Till had imagined, Ivan's hand was bigger than his own. He had no trouble fitting Till's entire bulge under his palm, which made Till feel a little self-conscious. As Ivan's hand pressed down gently, Till grabbed tighter onto the sheets, already feeling more than a little needy.

"Hah... please do..." Till managed to breathe out softly, his voice coming out more needy than he had expected. He didn't recognise his own voice, but at that moment he couldn't care less. He needed whatever Ivan was offering. And he needed it ASAP.

Sense was long gone abandoned somewhere else.

And that was all Ivan needed to give in to the overwhelming urge he had felt since finding Till in that state: to touch him.

Without hesitation, his hand pulled Till's throbbing erection out of his tight boxers. Although he was the one who was aroused, Ivan acted even more desperately for it, which confused Till.

However, he couldn't give it too much thought, as Ivan's fingers were soon all around him. His hand didn't hesitate to start stroking him with an almost maniacal look on his face, as he stared down at his own actions.

Ivan's pace was a little rushed, but gentle nonetheless. It was not too fast, nor was it teasingly slow. He held him firmly, and as he stroked, his thumb would occasionally circle around the tip, making Till arch in pleasure and struggle to keep his voice quiet.

No more words were shared.

Till was lost in the sensations of Ivan masturbating him, while Ivan was fixated on the way his hand moved over Till's needy cock.

While Till gasped occasionally and breathed heavily from the overwhelming pleasure, Ivan almost panted, breathing hard and barely blinking as his dark eyes glimmered with a familiar red hue as he stared down at Till.

The sight from Till's position was mesmerising.

Having Ivan, such a handsome, charming and attractive person, tending to him in such a desperate way... No, it was more than that.

Even though Ivan's actions were not completely up to Till's liking, it felt good because it was Ivan doing them.

Although Till would never have let anyone touch him that intimately without requesting it first, he didn't mind because it was Ivan.

He felt dumb for not noticing earlier. Or maybe he had been too scared to acknowledge his feelings before.

He liked Ivan.

Gosh, he wanted him so badly.

It wasn't just physical; he was already head over heels for him. That was why, no matter what, he never went too far away from Ivan.

It was why he felt so dejected whenever they couldn't spend time together.

Damn it. Why was he such a loser when it came to love!?

As Till came to a conclusion about his feelings, he also found himself coming right in the huge hands of Ivan. He couldn't stop the final moan that escaped his lips, almost a whimper, as he found release.

Had he not been so overwhelmed at that moment, he might have heard Ivan whimper too at the sensation of his sticky semen spilling all over his fingers.

Both were breathing heavily as they tried to regain their composure after such an intense experience.

After a while, Till propped himself up and felt Ivan reluctantly pull away from his now less tense dick. Glancing up at Ivan, Till tried to speak, but Ivan beat him to it.

"Such a shame. We could've been such good friends" he whispered nonchalantly as he licked his fingers.

It was a sight that almost made Till hard again, but he was too confused and panicked by Ivan's contradictory words and actions to focus on that.

“W-what…-”

“Well, job is done” Getting off the bed and away from him, Ivan smiled as if nothing had happened and walked towards the bathroom, leaving Till behind with his mouth agape.

He couldn't help but stare at the bathroom door.

As the shock wore off, Till was overcome with uncertainty and familiar feelings of anxiety.

Could have been good friends?

What on earth was that supposed to mean!? Weren't they already good friends?

He could understand that their friendship had been ruined by this, but... Once the turmoil in his head had taken hold, Till couldn't shake the feeling that he had messed everything up badly.

He had ruined everything.

Ivan is now definitely disgusted by me…

On the other side of the bathroom door, Ivan stared down at his reflection in the mirror.

He had long since turned off the shower ASMR video he had put on to fool Till by leaving his phone over the bathroom sink.

He was now glancing at how his jeans were slightly wet over his crotch area.

He still hadn't been able to calm down.

The overwhelming sensations of what he had just done were setting in slowly, making him smile at his reflection in the mirror.

He had finally managed to tick something off his list: To touch and satisfy Till with his own hand. He stared down at said hand and let out a soft chuckle.

He really hates me that much, to make me worthy of nothing but a disgusting act…

They both definitely had the wrong impression of the situation they found themselves in.

Unfortunately, it seemed as though their misunderstanding would only worsen through time.

Chapter Text

Feeling like crying after what had happened, Till tidied himself up as best he could, then left the room to get some fresh air.

He figured he should give Ivan some space, so that he wouldn't see his face right after the shower –or whatever it was that Ivan had been doing in the bathroom for more than fifteen minutes.

He needed to focus on something else or find someone to talk to.

But who could he ask for advice on this?

No one, because he would never admit all the details, so it wouldn't be of any help.

How are you supposed to face your – apparently now ex – best friend after letting him jerk you off? Let alone explain it to any other friend. Definitely it was a no. Till didn't want to lose all his friends because of this.

You and your stupid, horny ass.

After pacing around the dorm balcony for a while and feeling even more restless when the cool night breeze hit his face, Till went back to the room to find Ivan already asleep. Leaving him to it, Till spent a restless night tossing and turning. He replayed what had just happened between them in his head.

For some reason, the only thing stuck in his head was Ivan's after words.

What Till didn't know was that Ivan couldn't sleep either. 

Once he was in the bathroom, he had to use all his remaining self-control to stop himself from going outside and taking it out on Till. He wanted to make Till shiver and break under his touch. 

It was as if he could still feel Till's dick between his fingers. Glancing at his hand, he could feel his whole body burning and yearning for Till.

The memory of Till's cum, the taste and smell of it, repeatedly reminded him of what he wanted. He reached out to free himself from his own aching need, getting harder than before even when jerked over and over again.

Ivan didn't know how long he spent in the bathroom masturbating to the vivid image of Till beneath him. But what he did know was that it would never be enough.

He needed the real thing.

...

Next morning was weird as fuck.

When Till woke up, he glanced over at Ivan, who was sleeping across the room. As their beds were positioned on opposite side walls of the cramped room, all Till could see was Ivan's dark hair sticking out of the sheets he was wrapped in like a bug. With a soft, somewhat sad smile on his lips, he got out of bed and paced between his bed and the bathroom door.

On the one hand, he didn't want to disturb Ivan while he was sleeping. But, on the other hand, he needed to talk everything through, otherwise his restless brain would probably explode.

Before he knew it, he was already approaching Ivan and hovering over him. His shadow, cast above, made Ivan stir a little.

He wasn't actually asleep, of course, and as soon as he could smell Till's familiar scent, he tensed, even under the sheets. The lingering need was a constant reminder in his lower half.

Till's fingers reached out to gently push some strands of hair away from Ivan's closed eyes. Flinching slightly, Ivan's eyes fluttered open and he looked straight at Till. As Till tried to withdraw his hand from Ivan's intense gaze, it was soon trapped by none other than the same hand that had been all over him last night.

Slowly, Ivan propped himself up in bed, still holding Till's wrist captive. The bedsheets rolled down his chest, revealing that he was sleeping with no shirt on, at least. The sight of Ivan's bare chest made Till's heart beat faster and his face turn warm. It was just as warm as Ivan's hand around his wrist.

"Coming back for more while I'm sleeping...?" In a husky, mocking tone, Ivan asked, his morning voice a tad more low and raspy than usual.

Till cursed himself internally as he found himself affected by the sight and enticed by the idea.

"Of course not, idiot!" As he tried to protest, he was pulled over and forced to kneel on the bed to stop himself from falling on top of Ivan.

What was wrong with him?

Why was he messing around as usual?

Part of Till welcomed the familiar bickering because it meant everything was fine.

But it wasn't! He needed to talk to Ivan.

"What are you doing? Let go." Maybe Till's tone was a bit too harsh, because Ivan let go of his wrist with an indescribable look on his face.

Was he angry? Disgusted? Bothered? Did he even care to begin with? Till couldn't decipher his look, neither his actions.

"Listen, Ivan. About what happened yesterday..."

"Did you not like it?" Ivan's interruption made Till raise an eyebrow.

"Uh, that's not—"

"If you were unsatisfied, just tell me instead of jumping at me while I'm asleep" Ivan smirked, resting his chin on his hand.

“I said that's not–!” Till blurted out, feeling his face turn red with embarrassment. "What's your problem?! Of course I don't want to–"

"Ah, my bad" Ivan said, interrupting again, which made Till's blood boil. The fact that Ivan was smiling at him as usual just made him even angrier.

"Forget it." Scoffing, Till retreated from the bed and walked over to the bathroom to get ready for the day ahead.

He had completely forgotten why he had come to Ivan in the first place.

So perfect… Ivan thought to himself as he released the restrained gasp he had been holding. His other hand, still hidden under the sheets like the rest of his body, squeezed himself gently. Had Till stayed a little longer, Ivan wouldn't have been able to hide his erection from him.

…

After getting ready, Till rushed out of the room, stating that he had an early morning exam or some other excuse he could think of. Ivan couldn’t care less; the fact that Till had rushed out of the room was all he needed to know. 

He got the sheets off and walked across to flop onto Till’s unmade bed. He buried his face in the pillow, which was still a little warm. Nuzzling his face into it, Ivan inhaled deeply, taking in every last trace of Till's scent that remained on the bed.

With his face buried in the pillow and his hips propped up on his knees, Ivan began what would become his new morning routine. He jerked until he could get the image of Till out of his head.

Muffled pants and gasps, alongside the lewd sounds of his hand stroking his cock quickly and urgently, filled the room for a while.

The pillow was a mess now, covered in his saliva and sweat. There was no trace of Till left, as if he had already taken everything. The sheets were sticky and messy, just like his tired hand. Ivan glanced down at it with a wry smile on his lips.

"I’m so disgusting."

He wiped his hand clean on an unaffected part of the sheets before going to take a shower. After throwing on a simple white T-shirt and light-coloured jeans, Ivan took care of all the mattresses. Taking advantage of being awake this early, he figured he might as well make the most of it and avoid any disturbances in the laundry room.

To forget about it. That's what Till had told him that morning. But, in fact, he couldn't get the thought out of his head, and it was on his mind more than ever. If before he had been completely obsessed with the idea of doing something similar to Till, now that he had done it, there was no turning back.

After tidying up the room and making the beds with clean sheets, he made his way to his first class of the day.

He was taking it easy, though. His ankle throbbed slightly in pain from the incessant pressure he was putting on it by moving back and forth non-stop.

He slowly made his way down the hallway, politely waving and bowing to anyone he passed. Everyone adored him. And he was aware of the constant expectations that people had of him. How to act, what to say and how to live. He could easily read everything. Ivan knew exactly what others wanted from him. If fitting in meant doing what they wanted, then he would gladly do it. It was the right thing to do.

But there was one tiny problem.

It wasn't what he wanted.

Since he was little, his life had always been rigged. He was like a little puppet, knowing his part in the play of life. But every time he was around Till, from day one, he felt like he had found a place where he truly belonged. To be the Ivan he wanted to be. An undecipherable paradise.

Naturally, then, he was completely obsessed with the idea of clinging on to that glimmer of hope and individuality that Till represented. Even if it was just for a few minutes a day. Having a safe space where he could take off his perfect mask filled him with joy. He didn't need anything else.

Or at least, that's what he wanted to believe.

Ivan was aware of his feelings towards Till. It was obsession. Yes. Pure selfishness and raw desire. Nothing else. Well, maybe there was something else, but he wouldn't dare dream about it.

He would take whatever Till offered. And, if Till wanted him to become his sexual relief, then so be it.

So to ask him to forget about it… it was such a cruel thing to do.

That was probably the only thing he wouldn't be able to comply with. To forget such a moment they shared? No way. 

Oh the sight of needy Till. It was almost as if it had been burned onto the back of his head in a passionate frenzy. 

The faces Till was making, so shy about voicing his pleasure. The way his lips ended up swollen from biting them too much. His teal eyes rolled back, almost going white every time Ivan circled around his tip. And let's not get started about his cock… He could easily still feel the exact size and length, and every single vein on it. Every single detail. 

He was never forgetting it.

Not again. Ivan let out a deep breath, trying to focus his mind elsewhere, as he would prefer not to get hard again, least of all in the middle of class.

He shifted his position in his seat and glanced down at the large chalkboard at the front of the room, trying to make sense of the uninteresting material the professor was presenting.

Yes, Ivan would definitely remind Till of what happened last night later on.

…

Thanks to all the gossip around campus, Till had heard about Ivan’s injury from yesterday. It was not like he looked bad, though. He was probably doing better than what people rambled on about.

But thanks to all the gossip, it was impossible to get on with his day without remembering everything that had happened. It had always been like this, but it was even more difficult to focus now because he was hyper aware of it. It was almost as if his whole body reacted viscerally to the mere mention of Ivan’s name. He needed to know everything people were saying about him; he needed to focus on anything that could have escaped his notice.

And that injury was the main thing on his mind at the moment.

Hadn’t Ivan stood on his injured leg last night?

Till was sure of it; every time he closed his eyes, he could clearly see Ivan on top of him, his right knee between his thighs and the other, the supposedly injured one, resting on the floor. He didn’t stumble on his way to the bathroom either. In fact, for someone with a sprained ankle, he was rather fast getting there.

Had he faked it to avoid training? Impossible. Ivan wouldn’t do something like that. Not unless there was a more pressing reason for him to leave.

Till scoffed and shook his head. He was doing it again. Allowing his thoughts to spiral around Ivan all day long. He was tired, having barely slept at all as the anxiety of having lost his friend, and of potentially ruining any chance of a relationship with him, had kept him awake all night. He had woken up to find Ivan acting even more annoying than usual and having failed his exam.

Groaning, he ruffled his hair roughly, getting it all over the place.

What was he going to do? They needed to talk. Or at least, go back to how they were before all this mess.

Unfortunately, they never had the opportunity to meet through the lessons. Any time they did meet, Till would panic slightly because Ivan was always surrounded by lots of people, and it would be embarrassing for anyone to know that Till was interested in talking to Ivan. That would be troublesome. It would bring him into the spotlight of tons of gossip. And he didn’t want that.

Since acknowledging his feelings, he had also felt a tight pressure in his chest and throat whenever he saw Ivan in the distance. Sometimes they even locked eyes while having lunch in different spots across the big cafeteria. And what's worse, since he had realised in such an…untypical way, the reminders of those circumstances filled his mind as well, which made it impossible to even focus on planning out how to start a proper conversation with him in the first place.

Fuck my life and luck–

Why was it so difficult? All he wanted to do was get his feelings across.

"Best just forget about it, right?" He mumbled to himself, staring up at the ceiling. If Ivan was going to act as if nothing had happened, then so would he.

As if nothing had ever happened.

But usually it’s easier said than done.

Later that evening, Till decided to drop by the dorm to collect some things he had hurriedly left behind that morning. He was so focused on getting out of the room and away from Ivan that he didn't notice he had left important books and other things behind. He needed to take them home in order to work on some projects that were due this week.

He went straight to his desk area when he entered the room. Glancing at the books and other items scattered across the table, he began searching for the books he needed. Once he had finished, he remembered that he had left his bath things in the bathroom. After washing up that morning, he hadn't managed to tidy up as he usually would.

At that time of day, Ivan would usually be training. That's what Till was counting on. However, he had forgotten about the supposed injury to Ivan's leg and had realised his mistake too late.

As Till opened the bathroom door, he was pleasantly surprised by the sight of a half-naked Ivan. He had just walked straight out of the shower, his dark hair damp and slightly curling as if fighting to regain its natural curl after being washed clean. His pecs and well-tanned abs were on full display for him to enjoy.

Till couldn’t help but swallow softly as he followed the trail of a drop of water that had got lost under the hem of the towel tied around Ivan's hips.

Then he saw it: The pressure bandages on his left ankle. He really had been injured; it just probably wasn't that bad and would be healed with rest.

Of course.

Just that.

Not the firm grasp on the towel of Ivan's muscular, veiny hands.

Nor the way that said towel was propped up slightly by something big hiding underneath.

Ivan smirked and bit his lower lip. As Till, in response, swiftly averted his gaze, his head turning red with embarrassment.

“Was approaching me while I was asleep not enough? Did you also need to walk on me while I was getting out of the shower?” Ivan’s mocking chuckle made Till's blood boil. He was both embarrassed and angry.

"I didn't know you were in here" said Till, trying to excuse himself. However, he neither closed the door nor left the bathroom.

“Hm–hmm… “ Ivan hummed softly, clearly not believing him, and continued to laugh at his expense.

"I didn't know you were injured" said Till, trying to change the subject as he fixed his gaze on Ivan's feet.

“Hmmm, that makes sense. After all, we didn't meet yesterday, did we?”

Till closed his eyes and looked away. There it was: his chance to act as if nothing had ever happened. Strangely, Ivan was on cue to point this out. But he didn’t remember telling him to do so. And that bothered him.

“You should lock the door next time.”

Ivan raised an amused eyebrow. "Next time? So, you admit you're doing it on purpose?"

"No! I mean, you should lock the bathroom door when you're in it. It's a basic rule when sharing a room with someone else.”

"Oh" replied Ivan, glancing to the side as he flipped his hair off his forehead. Slowly. And showing off his muscles unnecessarily. "I figured it wouldn't be a problem since we both have nothing we haven't seen before.”

“Huh?”

“I mean, we both are guys.” Ivan explained.

“No shit Sherlock. And?” Till  commented sarcastically as he rolled his eyes at that. “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t lock the door what if-”

“Don’t you want to see me naked?”

The question took Till completely by surprise. His eyes immediately fixed on the part of Ivan’s body that was still out of sight. The part he hadn’t had a chance to look at yet. It was as if his brain had started malfunctioning again.

Would it be as big as his hands?

The size difference would definitely be considerable, wouldn't it?

Given Ivan's athletic build and how everything about him seemed to have grown bigger than him...

“Forget it.” Reluctantly, Till turned around and closed the door behind him, leaving Ivan feeling a little surprised.

Had his effect failed on him?

At first, Ivan reached towards the door as if to chase after Till. But he stopped midway, hesitating. His smirk faltered slightly, too.

What if Till had already reached his limit and this would be the final straw? His hand trembled at the thought. Before he could lose himself in his internal turmoil, however, the door opened again and a pair of big, teal but sharp eyes stared at him.

At first, they exchanged confused glances in silence. But then Till broke the silence.

“Can I?”

“Huh?” Ivan tilted his head like a lost puppy.

“See it” Till explained briefly.

“What?” 

“You’ve seen mine. Just to be even”

Ah, so that’s what he meant. That was what Ivan thought. A soft chuckle escaped his throat as he released the air he hadn’t realised he was holding in.

“Okay” Ivan wasn’t going to back down. Although Till's bluntness was somewhat unexpected, it was also refreshing. He almost felt embarrassed by it. Almost.

Feeling the heat rise to his cheeks, Ivan loosened the knot of the towel around his hips and opened it for Till to see.

His reaction was priceless. His face turned red and his eyes and mouth opened in shock as soon as he looked at him. Ivan noted how much Till was staring, his pupils moving frantically as if analysing every detail. Just as he had done to Till the night before.

Ivan had held on all day like a champ, but it only took a single glance from Till for him to start getting pumped up again.

“Do I forget this too?” Ivan's whisper came out a bit more husky than he had intended. Till cleared his throat as if he had been called out, then glanced back at Ivan. This didn't last long, as those teal eyes flickered between his hardening dick and his face. Lingering more on the former than the latter.

“Definitely.”

'What if I don't want to?' Ivan almost growled as he approached. With his hand on the side of the door, he closed the distance between them. He grabbed onto it, staring down at Till, towering over him and forcing his gaze to tilt up—or down, depending on what he focused on.

"Not my problem.”

“I’ll make it your problem.”

"Okay, okay—" Till sighed, raising his hands in mock surrender. "What would it take for you to let it go?"

“I’ll forget about it once we’re truly even.”

“Huh?” Till blinked repeatedly a few times. Had he heard him properly?

Ivan simply smirked again. He rested his wet forehead on the back of his hand over the door.

“Deal?”

Till hesitated for a moment. Considering his options, making this deal would mean having a chance to go back to how things were before. But did he really want that? More importantly, could he really afford to forget after committing to such a thing?

“No.”

Ivan was confused again when the other man suddenly turned around and moved away from him, his nonchalant act slipping away. Feeling a little desperate, he instinctively chased after Till.

“Why not– gah!” Ivan tried to rush after Till, but his wet feet slipped slightly on the dry floor, almost causing him to fall if it hadn't been for his quick reflexes, which saved him from falling by holding onto the wall.

Till turned around immediately upon hearing Ivan's sudden, panicked gasp and saw him almost fall. Instinctively, he stretched out his hands to try and prevent the fall, his fingers resting on the warm, exposed skin of Ivan’s chest.

“Easy there idiot, you’re injured remember?”  

Ivan's heart was beating like crazy. Maybe it was from the rush of almost falling suddenly. Or perhaps it was because he was completely naked in front of Till, who was still fully dressed, with his slim fingers resting on his pecs.

“Come on, sit” 

Ivan didn’t complain. Feeling self-conscious about his pathetic display, he simply obeyed Till and allowed him to help him as he walked towards the desk chair nearby.

Till knelt in front of him and crouched down to check if his ankle had been injured further. He was glad for this, but at the same time, he had to swallow hard to stop his mind straying. He failed miserably.

“Does it hurt?” Till asked gently, his fingers pressing softly around his left leg.

“Yes...” Ivan whined slightly.

“Where?” A little worried, Till lifted his gaze. He froze.

"...there" Ivan muttered, biting his lip slightly. His eyes pointed timidly to his awakening arousal. He tried not to think about their current position, but that was an impossible task at this point.

All of Ivan's bravery had crumbled after being rejected twice. He was too ashamed to ask a third time. At this point, he wasn’t expecting anything else. He just wanted to be alone and... "cheer up" by himself.

That's why, when Till sighed and rested his hands over Ivan's thighs, those dark eyes opened wide to stare back at Till's cold teal eyes.

“Don’t get your hopes up. I’ll just make us even.”

Holding his breath, Ivan felt Till's hands slowly creep up his thick thighs and reach the base of his hard cock. He had the advantage, being the one with the higher position and so on. Yet he felt vulnerable and exposed. Despite Till being on his knees between his legs, it was Ivan who trembled with need and silently pleaded.

Ivan let out a soft groan when Till's hands finally grabbed his erection. He tilted his head back, feeling sheer ecstasy from such a simple touch. The way Till started to touch him was so different from how he was used to treating himself. It was gentle, slow and almost tender. As if he was being tortured by him. But oh, it was such a sweet torture.

Each touch of Till’s fingertips sent a jolt of electricity through his entire body. It was almost as if he was programmed to react only to Till in such a desperate and eager way. He wasn’t complaining, though; he was enjoying every second. At this rate, he probably wasn’t going to last long.

And when Till started to rub his thumb around the tip while squeezing him up and down... God, it was heavenly.

Unlike Till last night, Ivan wasn’t too ashamed to be vocal about his pleasure. Low gasps and husky groans filled the room as Ivan's breathing became more laboured by the second.

"Till..." he moaned in a raspy, needy tone, bucking his hips a little more as if to ask for a faster pace. Till obliged as soon as he pleaded.

Just as he had feared, he barely managed to last a few moments after that before unleashing all his repressed desire onto Till’s hands — the main cause of his state in the first place.

Breathing heavily, Ivan tried to come back down to earth after such an intense experience. His dark eyes followed the grey-haired man's every move as he got up on his feet and stared at his semen-filled hand.

“Now we’re even...” Till muttered softly. Ivan's hazy gaze wandered down the other's body. His growing erection did not go unnoticed.

“You sure—”

"Yes" this time, it was Ivan who was interrupted.

"Well, I can now forget about–"

“No,” replied Till immediately and harshly, making Ivan frown, feeling slightly confused. “Listen up. You can’t forget any of this.”

Both of his thick, dark eyebrows rose in plain surprise. Had he just heard him right?

“You mean…?”

“No forgetting. Neither what you did yesterday, nor what I just did to you.”

Ivan felt a pang in his chest. He internally cursed himself, though; he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

"So I can remember?"

“Yes.”

Whatever that implied, Ivan didn’t care. As far as he could tell, Till was acknowledging both acts. And that was enough for him.

"Okay then" Ivan smiled as Till got up the floor.

Ivan's dark eyes still followed his every move, with a happy wide grin on his lips.

Till glanced back at him, a bit conflicted by the lingering uncertainty, but soon disappearing into the bathroom. 

He was feeling incredibly conflicted as he washed his hands.

Why on earth had he said that?

Why had he wasted his chance to confess more than friendship to Ivan?

And what the hell had possessed him to be so straightforward in the first place!?

Feeling as though his head was going to hurt so much that he wouldn't be able to sleep for another long night, Till groaned and cursed himself for being so stupid.

"I have to fix this somehow…"

He had blurted out the words without thinking. He was making the less risky move after risking it all. Such an idiot.

But whatever floats their boat. From this point on, Till realised that the longer he delayed the conversation, the more it would stray from a natural and normal progression to a proper relationship. As for Ivan, he couldn't be happier at the moment. To use and be used was more than enough for him.

Oh, what blissful ignorance.

Chapter Text

“Okay Till. Let's be real here… What the fuck is wrong with you!?” 

Staring at his reflection, Till frantically ruffled his hair. There must be something wrong with his brain. He was definitely malfunctioning. Why else would he be such an idiot as to trip over the same stone thrice in a row?

Now, Ivan would definitely think he was some kind of kinky weirdo. He'd think that all it took to get him going was showing him some abs and biceps, and voilà! he'd be a desperate little whore.

Ivan completely fried Till’s brain whenever he was near. Reason flew out of the window, leaving his body to act on its own before he could even notice. And even though things were OK, it was not going as he'd hoped.

Of course, getting to do that kind of thing with the person he liked filled him with thrilling joy and excitement. But at the end of the day, what were they?

Friends?

Fuck buddies?

That wasn't what Till wanted at all.

He let out all the air in his lungs and bumped his head on the cool surface of the bathroom mirror. He tried to keep his mind clear of lewd thoughts, which, given the recent events, was impossible.

Two days ago.

After Till had mistakenly walked in on Ivan while he was out of the shower, shamelessly asked to see him naked and... –well, you know the rest of the story– he hurried back home, grateful that he was wearing baggy trousers, so his arousal wasn't as obvious. Till was really embarrassed. Mortified. Ashamed.

 As soon as he arrived home, he locked himself in his room and screamed into his pillow.

Now we’re even? No forgetting? Seriously? Is that the best you got!? He groaned, continuing to let out muffled screams into the pillow.

Till couldn’t help telling himself that he was being an idiot over all this.

Why was it so hard to stop himself from touching Ivan instead of talking to him like a normal person?

Why had they started this strange sexual game?

How could he stop it?

Most importantly of all, what did Ivan think about it?

Till rolled over to face the ceiling, hugging his pillow close to his chest and covering half his face with it.

One thing he was sure about was that Ivan didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, he was encouraging it, enticing Till to do it by asking those damn questions and being so forward about touching him or asking to be touched.

But what did it mean to him?

Till was surprised at how easily he continued with this game without questioning anything.

Is this a normal thing for him?

As the thought crossed his mind,he furrowed his brow and sulked. Ivan was a popular guy. A very popular guy. He could have anyone on campus. So Ivan acting like that towards him probably meant nothing. No feelings. No attachment. Just...

Till pressed his whole face into the pillow, trying to stop painful thoughts spiralling through his mind.

Images of Ivan being that intimately close with the girls in his fan club or his teammates filled his brain, making Till's chest knot up in a painful way. It bothered him. He didn’t want to share Ivan with anyone. He wanted Ivan all to himself. He wanted Ivan to be his and his only.

Yet somehow, the idea of Ivan being like this with anyone else made sense. He seemed really used to it. He didn't get embarrassed by saying stuff like that out loud, and he had no trouble acting on his desires without further questioning.

Then again, there were moments when Till was confused by Ivan's behaviour. For example, when Ivan gently touched his hair on the first night, before things got heated; or when Ivan stared at him so intently while touching him. Even further back in time, Ivan always seemed to cling to him and smile brighter whenever he saw him.

But he always smiled, so maybe Till was just being delusional and holding onto what he wanted to believe instead of what it really was.

Rolling over once more, Till was now facing the wall of his bedroom with the cork board covered in photos of him with his friends. Mizi, Sua and mostly... Ivan.

Did he even know Ivan at all?

They had been together like forever, yet Till still felt there was a huge wall between them. He was unable to understand why Ivan could be annoying one moment and sympathetic and gentle the next. Adding horniness to the equation just made things even more confusing. Ivan was a maze that Till was stuck in.

Things couldn't stay this way. He had to decide whether to risk it all and confess, or continue to live with the uncertainty that filled him with so much pain. 

The next day, when he got out of bed, his eye bags must have been particularly bad. His mother, Io, pointed them out as soon as he appeared downstairs, with a worried look on her face.

After reassuring her that it was normal, given that he had been staying up late studying –Ivan's stupid and undecipherable brain and thought processes, not what he told her, though– he grabbed something to eat on the way and walked over to college.

If he arrived early, he would have some time to himself at his favourite spot.

There was a garden on campus where he liked to sketch. Some interesting flowers bloomed there that always caught his attention. Since it was early, no one would bother him or try to take his spot.

Drawing always helped him relax. It was as if the whole world disappeared and he was completely absorbed in his pencil and paper.

He also enjoyed it; otherwise, he wouldn't have chosen fine arts as his major. For Till, drawing meant so much more than doodling in his sketchbook.

Fortunately, he was right. There was no one around at that early hour and he had the whole garden to himself. With a satisfied smile on his face, he moved over to a bush to examine one of the small sprouts closely. Not all flowers looked the same. Nor did their petals open in the same way. It was fascinating to see the differences between each bloom. Though, if you asked anyone else, they would say that all the flowers looked the same.

"This one looks extremely peculiar..." he muttered to himself, staring at a tiny new sprout. Unlike any other flower of its kind, it had a stained red pistil. For some reason, this caught Till's attention. He sat down on the floor in front of it and took out his sketchbook to draw it.

Despite the lack of rest, he felt slightly more relaxed after sketching for a while. It was as if his mind had found some relief by focusing on something other than trying to figure out Ivan’s behaviour. Satisfied and proud of the results, he smiled down at his sketches. He didn’t notice the figure approaching him from behind until a familiar chin was pressed down onto his shoulder.

"Looks pretty" said Ivan in a soft voice close to his ear. Crouching down behind him, he glanced at the sketchbook page filled with flowers as well.

Till flinched slightly at the unexpected approach. But he wasn’t completely surprised. Ivan always snuck up on him silently and had no concept of personal space when he was sketching. However, after everything that had happened between them and Till’s acknowledgement of his feelings, it made his heart beat with hopeful bliss.

"Thanks" he answered quietly before allowing a strangely comfortable silence to settle between them.

“Can I ask why you chose that particular flower?” After a while, Ivan's question broke the silence, catching Till off guard and raising an eyebrow.

Why that one? It was a good question.

"I don’t know. It stood out to me. Maybe it’s because it’s slightly different from the rest?” Till answered a bit confused but honestly.

“I see...” Ivan hummed softly, his voice almost like a purr. This made Till's skin shiver slightly. “What was the first thing you noticed?” 

Once again, Ivan’s question made Till pause and think for a moment. He glanced back at the flower in front of him and gently traced its petals with his fingers. His black-painted nails blended in with the dark petals of the geranium.

"Its red stained pistil. Makes it look unique compared to the rest. All the other dark geraniums have pure white pistils. And the purplish ones have red pistils. This one seems like a mix… strange, but pretty.”

Ivan’s eyes were fixed on him while he focused on analysing what made the flower so enticing. He didn't really notice the similar, adoring gaze on him.

After a while, Till finally emerged from his trance-like state, leaning back from Ivan so that he could face him. This forced Ivan to lift his chin from his shoulder.

“Don’t you have any classes this morning?”

Ivan smiled, the playful glint in his eyes returning.

“Why? Don’t you enjoy my company anymore? Is it because I’m dressed up?”

"Ugh–! Why do you have to be such an asshole?" Till scoffed and frowned, his cheeks burning immediately at Ivan’s teasing. He stood up and dusted off his clothes.

Ivan chuckled. "Come on, no need to be shy now... You told me not to forget, and that's what I'm doing. Just making sure you don’t either...” Ivan slowly stood up from his crouching position, wincing slightly for a moment, but quickly acting as if it had not happened.

Till shot Ivan a death stare when he heard his words, but his frown deepened when he noticed Ivan wince.

“You were crouching with a sprained ankle! Are you stupid?”

“Maybe” Ivan shrugged his shoulders smiling nonchalantly, which gained him another death stare and a soft punch on the chest. “Ouch! No need to get so aggressive. If you want to touch my pecs, just do it gently.”

“I don’t–!” 

“No?” Ivan pouted slightly as he moved closer and leaned down to be at the same eye level as Till. His face was too close for Till's heart's own good.

“Shut up!” Till not denying it and blushing even more while throwing another soft punch made Ivan chuckle softly.

“So, don’t you want to give them a little squeeze?” Ivan insisted, as Till started walking away, clutching his sketchbook tightly.

"What part of “shut up” is so difficult to understand?" Till scoffed back, his embarrassment making him quicken his pace.

"Maybe the part where you don’t answer whether you want to touch them or not." Ivan retorted, wincing again as he tried not to fall behind. Despite the pain, he didn't drop his teasing act or his devilish grin for a single second.

“You little—!" Till groaned, closing his eyes as if trying to stop himself from falling for Ivan’s game.

“Hmm… little is not an adjective I'd use to describe myself…”

“I—ugh! You’re impossible!” Till's face turned bright red as he abruptly stopped and raised his fist threateningly at Ivan.

But he never threw the punch.

Ivan’s smirk only widened at Till’s reaction. He looked genuinely happy and satisfied with the whole situation. 

“What? Aren’t I right?”

“Yes. True. You’re a massive idiot .”

Ivan laughed loudly at Till's response. This time, he didn't follow Till. 

So adorable... Ivan thought. He stood there just glancing as Till walked away, with red ears and grumbling under his breath.

Ignoring the pain in his left ankle, he stared back at the dark flower in the distance for a moment, his smirk softening into a fond smile.

...

With his head resting on the desk, Till was muttering curses under his breath as the class became louder with people barging in to prepare for the lesson.

The teasing had driven him to the brink of madness, and the brief respite he got from sketching flowers vanished into thin air.

It was things like this that made it so hard for Till to understand Ivan. Why was he acting all cuddly and interested in him? Was it just so he could get into his pants again? But he used to do that before they had masturbated each other–.

Groaning as he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, he banged his forehead on the table, causing some of his classmates to glance at him with concern. He needed to talk to Ivan. Really. Have a proper conversation. But he had a feeling the other wouldn't make it easy.

Ivan had always been difficult to deal with. He would always mock and annoy him on purpose, just to make him snap. He figured it was his way of acting towards his closest friends. But after that, Till didn't know if they could be friends anymore. Now, that annoying teasing had escalated into sexual tension, and he was really bad at putting up with it.

If Ivan teased him as usual, it wouldn't be so hard to be near him. But as soon as anything sex-related was mentioned, his mind would go blank. Images and memories of sights, sounds, and feelings filled his mind, whether he liked it or not.

It was really hard to stop his thoughts from wandering.

Could’ve been good friends… I guess he was right.

He didn't pay much attention for the rest of the class. His mind was more focused on distracting himself by doodling absentmindedly in his sketchbook. His hand moved of its own accord, without him paying any attention to what he was doing.

Although it was not unusual for him to draw whatever came to mind, the fact that he found himself sketching Ivan in order to stop thinking about him was illogical.

By the time the class ended, Till had filled the page with drawings of Ivan. He drew anything that caught his attention: his face, his smile, his eyes... anything he could pinpoint by memory.

Pouting slightly, he added little arrows around the sketches and wrote:

Eyes of an idiot.

Smile of a faker.

Face of an asshole.

Closing the sketchbook with a loud thud, he got up, determined to talk to Ivan.

He was easy to spot in the hallway during the break between lessons. He was always surrounded by a group of people.

A girl was talking to him, as was one of his teammates, while Ivan leaned against the wall. As usual, he was smiling, displaying his charming, nonchalant expression.

Although Till couldn't hear the conversation from where he was standing, he could definitely see how people acted around Ivan. He noticed the way the girl twirled a strand of her hair with her index finger while leaning closer, and how his teammate with the medium bob pulled Ivan closer with an arm around his shoulder. Ivan glanced at both of them and let it happen.

Till was forced to look away, feeling an unfamiliar jealousy creep up on him. Thoughts from the previous night popped up in his mind again. Ivan didn't mind physical contact with anyone . He was close to anyone. Feeling his eyes fill with tears, Till turned around and quickly disappeared into the crowd.

As he passed by, he didn't notice that Ivan had completely ignored everyone around him and was looking at him exclusively. His whole body was leaning towards Till, as if ready to chase after him. Until he was pulled back into the conversation by Marty's arm.

“Ivan? Are you listening, buddy?”

“Hmm?” Ivan blinked and tried to look back at the man who was talking to him. But he failed miserably, as his gaze kept shifting back to follow Till's silhouette as it disappeared into the distance.

"What? Didn't hear? I asked when you're going back to training. We can't win the match without you, dude.” Marty repeated himself, and Ivan nodded softly, as if to say he understood what he was saying. He wasn't.

“Yes! We're all worried about you, and wondering when you'll come back to training” the girl added, Sein or something. He didn't exactly recall her name. She was on the cheerleading team and clearly had an interest in him. But he couldn't care less; Till was disappearing from his view.

“Uh… Sorry, I have something urgent to do” without offering any further explanation, and leaving both of them feeling a little confused, Ivan suddenly rushed off to follow Till. His pace was rather too fast for someone who should be taking it easy.

However, as he rounded the corner and grasped the wall, he winced in pain as he felt his ankle throb. Even worse, he caught no sight of Till, who had already disappeared.

…

By the time the lunch break arrived, Till was feeling completely down. Every time he thought he might have a brief conversation with Ivan, he saw him surrounded by different people. At the sight of this, he felt a pang of jealousy. It was a feeling he disliked. What right did he have to feel that way? It's not as if they were...

Sighing, Till placed his tray on an empty, secluded table and tried to focus on eating something to settle his upset stomach. But he was not up to the task, and instead started poking the food uninterestedly.

He heard a few footsteps approaching. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a brown-haired guy with a bowl cut flinch at his unconscious frown.

“Uh… Is this seat free?” As Acorn's voice broke the silence, Till's brows relaxed a bit as he noticed that the other person had been put off by his resting bitch face.

"Oh, sure" he said, nodding softly and gesturing for the guy to take a seat.

But he never made it onto the chair.

“It isn’t.” Ivan's cold tone made Acorn stiffen as he was grabbed by the shoulder.

"Oh, sorry" said Acorn, awkwardly retracting his tray and searching for another spot as Ivan took the seat beside Till.

After shooting Ivan a glare, Till looked down at his untouched food.

"Not happy to see me, I see" Ivan commented with a nonchalant smile that hid a hint of bittersweetness.

“You can be so mean sometimes.”

Ivan simply chuckled when he noticed that Till was avoiding looking at him and seemed more interested in stabbing the fries on his plate.

“Look who's speaking... not even a hello, jumping straight to insult me.”

Till rolled his eyes as he tried to put the food in his mouth. But he only managed to take a tiny bite.

Ivan’s eyes followed his every movement. His dark eyes moved all over the other’s face. His dark brows furrowed slightly as he noticed the dark bags under Till’s beautiful, clear eyes. Unconsciously, Ivan reached out to trace the bags under Till’s eyes with his thumb, his palm resting gently against Till’s cheek. Ivan felt the skin under his hand grow warm almost instantly.

“What are you–”

“Have you not been sleeping well lately?” The genuine concern in Ivan’s tone took Till by surprise. Ivan retreated his hand, satisfied that Till was now looking at him.

“... not much” 

“Why not?”

Till glanced back at his food and poked the half bitten fry. It was his chance, right?

“I’ve got so much on my mind lately… Things I can’t stop thinking about”

“Hm?” Ivan leaned in, interested in hearing further from Till. 

“Well… you see… About what’s been happening lately between us–”

“Ivan!” 

An unfamiliar girl suddenly approached, making Till flinch and frown instantly. The girl didn’t seem to mind that Till looked genuinely angry with her; she focused her eyes on Ivan and approached him with uncanny friendliness.

Ivan almost gave the girl a death glare, but relaxed his frown when he noticed that she was the vice president of the student council. The council he was president of.

“Oh, it's you. Is there something the matter? It's very unlike you to approach me in the middle of my lunch break.” Ivan smiled politely and instantly resumed his usual display of nonchalance. The one that irritated Till with its fakeness.

“As always, you're spot on, my dear." The girl chuckled softly, smiled, and leaned closer to Ivan. Till almost gagged at the pet name.  “There’s an urgent matter that we need to discuss. Would you be able to spare a few minutes of your time?”

Ivan immediately glanced over at Till, raising his eyebrows. Till tilted his head, looking confused. Was he asking for permission? Or was he trying to decide what was more important to him at that moment?

Till brushed his hand in the air and looked back at his untouched food.

Ivan's expression was slightly troubled as he gripped the edge of the table with excessive force before turning back to smile at the girl.

“I’ll join you soon”

The girl nodded softly before walking away, swinging her hips slightly as she did so, with a satisfied look on her face. Ivan watched her until she was far enough away, before turning back to Till.

“Sorry, we’ll talk later, okay?”

Till simply shrugged his shoulders, breathing loudly and biting the inside of his cheek, looking visibly bothered. Ivan reluctantly got up, as if he didn’t want to leave Till's side. But as soon as the girl called him over, he started to move, and Till scoffed, banging his fork onto the tray as soon as Ivan had gone.

Running a hand through his hair, he felt anxiety and jealousy creeping up on him again. He decided to leave before Ivan had finished whatever he needed to do with that girl. He didn’t want to think about it. Even the most rational of reasons wouldn't make the feelings go away.

The only conclusion he could draw from the situation was that Ivan and he belonged to different worlds, and that he had no place in Ivan's world.

“Luna.”  As they made their way to a corner of the room, Ivan called her out.

The girl turned around with a smile on her lips.

“Yes?”

“Don't bother me when I'm with him next time..” his tone was sharp and cold, despite the bright smile on his lips.

“Huh..? But it’s about–”

“I don't care. If it's urgent, send me a message.”

“Oh…okay” Luna was taken aback by Ivan’s confusing attitude, but nodded nonetheless.

She tried to be brief, explaining that some students had suggested throwing a party in light of the unexpected news that a once-in-a-lifetime meteor shower was due to happen in three weeks' time. Since they needed the director's approval and had to inform the students of their participation as soon as possible, they had to meet ASAP.

The only thing that made Ivan focus on what she was saying instead of glancing at Till sitting across the cafeteria was the mention of the meteor shower.

A genuine, special glint filled his eyes as he looked at her, nodding in understanding.

However, as their conversation ended and Ivan started to rush back to his seat, he noticed that all that remained at the table was Till’s untouched tray of food.

…

As the day progressed, Till found it increasingly difficult to control his feelings. He was aware that he had a conversation pending with Ivan. An important one, at that. However, he was starting to doubt whether he wanted to approach Ivan at all.

They led very different lives. He was an outcast that no one relied on, whereas Ivan was everyone's favourite. Sticking to him despite all this would only end in hurt. It was obvious. He was already noticing that the pain would just drag on incessantly at this point. They weren't meant to be at all.

Maybe back in high school, when he thought they were friends, everything was fine. Or at least better than this. But as they grew older, the reasons why Ivan wouldn’t see him as a friend became more obvious. Who would want to be with him anyway?

He had a few lessons that evening, but he wasn’t feeling well, so instead of risking further harm, he decided to go home for the day.

His mother was still at work, which meant he wouldn't have to explain anything. He didn’t want to talk to anyone at that moment.

Curling up in bed, Till cried himself to sleep.

After a much-needed nap, Till woke up with a slight ache in his body from sleeping in an uncomfortable position. It was already late; he had slept all evening. He figured his mom would be home soon, so the least he could do would be to prepare dinner for her.

Feeling better after venting his feelings somehow, he dragged himself out of bed and walked to the bathroom to shower. On the way, he saw his phone screen light up on his bedside table.

Curious, he took a look and saw that he had received some messages from Ivan, which was unusual. He hesitated at first, but then reached out to read the notifications.

Why did you leave? I finished quickly. 14:20 pm.

You didn't eat anything at all, either. 14:28 pm

Where are you? 15:00 pm

I can treat you to something tastier. I know cafeteria food is awful. 15:01 pm

I'll talk to the management about improving the quality of the menu. 15:43 pm

Till? 16:29 pm

Did you go home? 16:31 pm

Mizi told me she saw you, so I guess that’s it. 16:32 pm.

Hope you're sleeping. 17:02 pm

Eat something too. 17:05 pm

Don't die on me, blockhead. 17:10 pm

I worry too, you know... 19:55 pm

Till's chest tightened at the sight of what he thought were concerned messages from Ivan. So, Ivan did care after all. He felt a bit stupid for having thought otherwise just a few hours ago. Feeling determined, he smiled as he continued walking towards the bathroom. Maybe he could still talk it out with Ivan. Yes. It definitely had to be. He shouldn't give up hope.

After showering and preparing dinner, he took a photo of his meal and sent it to Ivan, quoting:

im alive, asshole. 20:25 pm

Till also noticed that Ivan's last message, sent at around eight o'clock, had been deleted. This confused him slightly, but he laughed softly.

and I saw that. 20:26 pm.

Chapter Text

As Till's message notification appeared on his screen, he instantly sat up in the grass.

He had sent a picture that showed what looked like a homemade dinner. Letting out a relieved sigh, he smiled at Till's message, finally feeling less anxious.

“See? I told you he’d reply.” Ivan glanced back at the dark geranium, which was already closing its petals. He had been sitting by it all evening, absentmindedly scrolling through his phone.

Since Till’s disappearance, he had been walking around the entire campus searching for him. But once his injured ankle warned him to stop pushing himself so hard, he decided to wait by the garden he knew Till liked, in case he dropped by.

Now knowing that Till was alive, well, and at home, Ivan slowly stood up and dusted off his jeans. He winced slightly when he looked down at his ankle, which was slightly swollen from all the running around. He tried not to worry, though; a bit of ice would help. Probably.

As he slowly made his way back to the dormitory, he tried not to put too much pressure on his left leg. Having limped almost the entire way, Ivan was exhausted by the time he reached his bed.

"Damn it, the ice..." He groaned as he sat on the edge of the bed and took off his shoes.

It wasn't looking very hopeful, but Ivan supposed it was only natural after having walked around so much, even though the nurse had clearly told him to rest. After pondering for a while, he decided that going to get some ice would be pushing it. A bit of rest would do… probably.

He looked at his phone again after dropping onto the bed, having taken off his clothes. He saw that Till had sent another message:

and I saw that. 20:26 pm.

Ivan bit his lip slightly. He had sent the last message on impulse, feeling a bit too emotional about Till's lack of response. But he deleted it immediately. Within a few seconds, in fact.

Did that mean Till had seen his messages as he sent them?

Why did he wait almost half an hour to reply?

He dropped his head onto the pillow and glanced at the empty bed across the room.

Of course, even though he was worried sick about him, Till had always disliked him and found him extremely annoying. So, even if he saw his messages straight away, he would have forgotten to reply.

He wasn’t as important.

He rolled onto his side, facing the wall, trying not to pay too much attention to the pulsing pain in his ankle or the knot in his chest.

If he had sent something that really interested Till, he wouldn't have had an excuse not to reply, would he?

As he glanced at his almost naked form, an idea popped into his head.

He started typing at lightning speed.

Oh so you saw that. 20:42 pm

Should I just send it over again? 20:43 pm

He opened the camera, making sure it was set to the front-facing one, he pointed it downwards and flexed his pecs, leaving his face out of the frame.

Enjoy the dessert too <3. 20:44 pm.

He was right: Till didn't take long to reply this time.

WHY. 20:55 pm

DONT JST SEND ME THAT U ASSAOSLE. 20:55 pm

just*. 20:56 pm

asshoel*. 20:56 pm

asshole*. 20:56 pm

Ivan smiled at his phone. He bet he had at least made Till's heart beat a little faster for him, even if only to turn him on.

Not just that?. 20:57 pm

Greedy… 20:57 pm

He took another picture with the back camera, pointing it down his boxers and adding his hand to the equation just to spice things up.

Just like before, it didn't take long for Till to reply.

gonna block u. 20:58 pm

Good night Till ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )20: 59 pm 

fuck u. 20:59 pm

.o ( ˶°ㅁ°) !! 21: 00 pm 

last seen at 21:01 pm

The knot in his chest tightened as he proved his point. He dropped his phone on the bed and tried to push down the feelings that threatened to overwhelm him.

If anyone is being greedy here, it's you, Ivan. Stop getting your hopes up.

Sleeping would probably help. It would help him to drown out his feelings, ease the pain in his ankle and stop him from second-guessing Till’s actions.

He had decided to take whatever was offered; why was he hesitating now?

However, relying on probabilities was a mistake.

Ivan had undoubtedly pushed himself beyond his healing limits. But who could blame him? After finding out that Till was feeling bad about something and being left out of the loop for four long hours, anyone would have searched for him desperately. Right?

What had made Till restless about what had been happening between them? Ivan needed to know. It was clearly causing him distress, and although he enjoyed annoying Till, wearing him out was not what he wanted at all. Was it because he wasn’t forward enough? Or was it because he wanted to back out of what they had done?

Still suffering from a swollen ankle and a terrible headache, Ivan dragged himself out of bed, forced himself to shower, and got ready to go to class.

Till frowned as he walked towards his first lesson of the day. He was zooming in on the second picture that Ivan had sent him the night before. It was the one that had almost made him choke on his food when his mom asked who he was talking to when she heard the notification sound. He then had to make a poor excuse and escape to his room. This clearly hadn't put Io's suspicions to rest the next morning.

But that was out of the question.

What Till was really looking at was Ivan’s ankle, which could just be seen blurred in the background. It looked more awful than how it was two days ago. How had it gotten so bad in the span of a day?

Turning off his phone, he glanced up ahead and followed what he usually avoided: the crowd of people who were rounding Ivan, to find him.

It didn’t take him long to do so.

After walking on campus for two minutes following the people eyeing back and whispering, he found Ivan leaning towards a locker and talking to some people. Till took a special interest in the way Ivan was standing, with all his weight resting on his right leg.

Although he was smiling and talking cheerfully with others, it was clear that he was in pain. Till knew better. Or at least he liked to think so.

He noticed the way his fingers tapped lightly on his thigh from time to time. The way he forced a smile that almost made his crooked teeth dig into his lower lip. These were all clear indicators of how uncomfortable he was feeling at that moment. Yet he still wouldn't drop the flawless act.

Till scoffed as he pushed his way through the spectators around Ivan and his group.

“Ivan!” He exclaimed in a loud voice, making sure that everyone noticed his presence. It was something he disliked when he was close to Ivan, as it would attract unwanted attention. But he tried to convince himself that it was necessary.

Ivan was surprised to hear Till's voice. Even more so when he spoke his name. He looked far too perplexed when he noticed Till getting closer, signing to him to come over.

Ivan blinked repeatedly, then excused himself and followed Till, slowly making his way out of the crowd. Till quickened his pace, heading for a secluded corner. He glanced over his shoulder at Ivan, who was struggling to keep up.

“Slow down– no one's following us.” He tried to play it down with a chuckle, but when Till suddenly turned around with a serious look on his face, Ivan froze, feeling even more confused.

Till looked genuinely bothered, and Ivan hadn't said anything to provoke him yet. This made Ivan stiffen a little. Was it because of the photos? Or… the things between them that were keeping him awake at night...?

“Show me.” Till made a brief gesture with his hands, moving his fingers up and down.

Ivan wasn't sure what that meant, but it looked as if Till was hurrying him to do something.

“Uh… here?” He asked, uncertain.

“Yeah? What's the problem?” Till tilted his head.

“Well… if you insist.” 

It could only mean one thing, right?

Ivan reached for the hem of his T-shirt, causing Till to instantly open his eyes wide in panic and rush to grab his wrist to stop him.

“Not that idiot! Your fucking injury!”

“Oh…oh!” That made more sense. Ivan let go of his T-shirt and glanced down at his ankle. “What about it? It's just fine–.”

Till groaned in exasperation, crouching down and carefully pulling Ivan's jeans up to check his ankle. It didn't look good at all, and Ivan tensed slightly.

“What are you doing? Training in secret? Ivan, you need to rest your foot!” Still crouching, Till glanced up at him, concern evident on his face.

“It's…not that.”

“Why aren't you using crutches? You should be. Have you applied ice? I can feel the whole area burning up.”

Ivan bit his lip slightly and glanced down at Till, looking confused.

"I didn't need them before, so I'm not using them now. As for the ice, I was on my way to...”

"My goodness, Ivan! You have plenty of friends you could ask for help, yet you still overwork yourself like this. Are you an idiot!?”

Ivan's expression flickered slightly. He was taken aback by Till's sudden concern over his injury.

“What's worse,” Till got up and continued to scold him. “If you overexert yourself again, you won't recover in time for next week's match! Everyone's counting on you!”

Ah. Right. True. The match. The all-important one. The one for which he was the one everyone was counting on. To satisfy everyone's expectations of him. Ivan's face hardened slightly, but he tried to play it down.

"I'm okay. It's not that bad; it's just slightly swollen. I'll put some ice on it and–”

"No, you're going back to the dorm and resting that foot until I get you some crutches."

Till's voice was sharp and firm. He was leaving no room for debate. It was almost like an order.

This made Ivan feel conflicted. Where was this coming from? Why was he being so bossy all of a sudden? He was tired of everyone else telling him what to do. And now, Till too?

Ivan was about to snap back at Till when he suddenly felt his arm being grabbed and pulled over the other's shoulder. Till grasped his wrist firmly and passed his other arm around Ivan's waist, securing his stance.

“I worry too, y'know?” 

Hearing those words whispered in a somewhat timid tone made Ivan press his lips shut, as he felt a small flutter in his chest. He didn't know whether Till meant it or was just mocking him. Either way, it made him feel... something.

After a few minutes, they made it to the dorms, Till supporting Ivan all the way. They didn't speak on the walk there, and even though it was probably late for Till's morning class, he made sure to match Ivan's pace and hold on to him.

Till was slimmer than him; his muscular arm was twice the size of one of Till's. Yet Till had no trouble keeping a firm grasp on his waist, his slim, long fingers clutching his side. Glancing down, Ivan saw Till clinging to his shirt and his smile softened. Despite their differences in muscle mass and height, he was glad to know that Till was able to carry him around. He was also glad that his waist was snatched enough for Till to surround him with his arms if they hugged.

Then, his eyes moved to the hand around Till's shoulders. He could feel the warmth of Till's hand keeping his wrist there. He could feel Till's slightly long mullet brushing ticklishly against his bicep. He could feel Till's warmth emanating from him, and the jolt of sensation that his fingertips on his wrist sparked in him…

Perhaps overworking himself to this point wasn't such a bad thing after all.

When they arrived at the door, Ivan opened it for them. They made their way inside, keeping up the calm but steady pace. As they got closer to his bed, Ivan was reluctant to let go of Till. Glancing at him from the corner of his eye, he noticed that he wasn't the only one reluctant to let go.

His smile turned into a playful smirk, and he did what he had been longing to do.

“Thanks.” He leaned a little closer to Till and whispered softly.

Then, he pulled the other closer to his chest, squeezing his face between his strong arm and soft chest.

And… oh, how wonderfully Till reacted to it. 

Panicked eyes, tense body and face growing instantly hot at the gesture.

"You don't need to squeeze the life out of me for it–"

"I'm not going to strangle you, don't worry.” Ivan chuckled and pulled Till closer by the waist with his other hand. Now they were finally hugging properly.

Or almost.

If it wasn't for the fact that Ivan was practically shoving Till's face into his chest, it would be a hug. Ivan nuzzled his face into the top of Till's head while pulling him between his pecs.

But it wasn't bad actually... Till found himself drowning in a soft warmth, and his whole body reacted in a way he'd rather not remind himself of later if he wanted to keep it down. He could hear Ivan's heart beating rapidly, almost matching his rushed one.

After a while, Ivan was the first to let go. Even though Till had complained, he didn't let go of Ivan’s waist until he pulled back, at which point Till retreated, looking a bit sulky with his face red as a tomato.

"I'll go and get the ice." Till mumbled.

"Okay." Ivan replied, turning to face Till with a big, bright smile as he settled on his bed.

Till rushed out of the room.

He knew Ivan had a visibly well-built torso. He had seen it in pictures on social media, in the picture Ivan sent him last night, and in real life when he walked in on Ivan naked. But being face deep in them was a whole different deal. It was something he found himself enjoying more than he expected.

Don't get hard. Don't get hard. Don't get hard– 

Till needed to focus his mind on something else. Perhaps he should throw his head into the freezer when he went to get the ice for Ivan. Yes, he definitely needed to do that ASAP.

After all, he was just trying to help him take care of his injury. Being considerate. Mindful. Attentive. He was trying to avoid being handsy so they could talk normally.

But damn, they felt so soft! At the end of the day, Ivan was right: he really wanted to squeeze them.

Fuck!

He fetched a cooling pad and a crutch from the infirmary. As he made his way back to the dormitory with them, he noticed several pairs of eyes on him. It was clear to everyone that he was carrying them for Ivan.

He never liked talking to Ivan when there were lots of people around because their interest in Ivan would then refocus on him. He could feel their side glances and hear their muffled whisperings as he walked by. He disliked it a lot. He wasn't cut out for the spotlight. And given his current circumstances, he would rather not have any inquiring eyes on him.

He tried to be as quick as possible, but by the time he reached the dorms, all his heated thoughts had turned to anger.

"Here! Your stupid ice!” he said, throwing the pad at a surprised Ivan. His droopy eyes blinked several times in confusion and his lips curled down in a soft pout.

“Is this how you treat your patients, nurse?”

“Yes. Especially ones as annoying as you.” 

The fact that Till didn't deny that he was his nurse at all made Ivan smirk slightly. With a familiar glint of mischief in his eyes, as Till left his crutch propped against the end of the bed, Ivan spoke again.

“I bet I'd recover quickly if my nurse dressed appropriately for work...”

“Huh?” At first, Till didn’t understand. He pulled out the desk chair and sat down facing Ivan. Unconsciously, he reached out to grab the pad on the bed and pressed it against Ivan’s swollen ankle. Then, with delay, his face turned red, he sprang his head up and frowned. “I’m not wearing–! Ugh, what am I even saying…  I’m not your nurse!”

Furiously, he pressed the ice pad onto Ivan's ankle. This made him bite his lip and wince. He also squirmed a bit on the bed.

“Sorry, sorry! Don’t kill me for it–”

Realising he had been a bit harsh, he stopped applying pressure to the wound and glanced down. Till was now pouting and the redness in his cheeks hadn't completely faded yet. However, Ivan decided to stop teasing him for now, unless he wanted Till to break his bone for real.

“Does it hurt?” After a while, once he had calmed down, Till spoke softly, his eyes still examining the injury.

“A little bit, yeah." Ivan replied softly, his eyes never leaving Till’s form in front of him.

“That’s because you haven't taken proper care, idiot.”

“Yeah, yeah… I know.” Ivan replied, smiling softly. Till looked adorable with that worried pout on his thin lips.

Silence settled in once more. But it wasn’t uncomfortable at all.

Ivan simply looked at Till with his usual adoring gaze. He adored the way his greyish-teal fringe fell over his long lashes. The way his calm face looked stunningly handsome, given the sharpness of his features. And those clear, sky-coloured eyes of his, which contrasted with the darkness of his clothing.

As Ivan continued to eye him down, he noticed that his fingers were turning slightly red from exposure to the cold pad.

“You don’t need to hold it for me; I can do it myself.”

“No, let me take care of you.”

Till's blunt response made Ivan's heart beat like crazy. He could feel the back of his ears getting warmer, but he still managed to keep his cool.

“At least use the other hand; your fingers will freeze at this rate.”

“It’s not that cold–”

“Your hand.” It was Ivan this time who spoke in a firm voice, leaving no room for discussion, as he extended his own hand to Till.

A little surprised and reluctant, Till shifted the hand that was holding the cooling pad. He also moved it to press it from a different angle against Ivan’s ankle.

However, Ivan persisted, motioning with his hand as if to indicate that Till should hand it over to him.

“What?”

“Let me take care of you, too.”

Reluctantly, Till held out his slightly numb hand to Ivan. Ivan immediately held it between his warm palms and exhaled softly onto Till's red fingers. The temperature contrast made Till's skin shiver in response.

Now that they were alone and on good terms, acting as usual and apparently even growing closer to each other, it would be the perfect time to bring up the pending conversation.

However, Ivan’s warm breath on the tips of his fingers was too distracting, clouding Till’s thoughts. Since Ivan was breathing in and out a bit intensely to warm his fingers, Till couldn’t help but rest his gaze on his chest as it moved with his breathing.

He shook his head, freeing his hand from under Ivan’s grasp. The other looked up at him, a silly, confused expression on his face. Then Till placed the ice pack on the corner of the bed.

“I think it’s been about fifteen minutes already. Make sure you put another one on in two hours.”

“Yes, sir!” Ivan answered in a playful tone. Till rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless.

"It would also be better if you kept your ankle above chest level."

"Ah, yes. The nurse told me that before, but I’m not sure where to put my foot while doing so."

Following Ivan’s gaze, Till searched around the room. There weren’t many things they could use to prop up Ivan’s ankle. He could probably bring out some blankets to make a cushion for it, but that would be too much hassle for just a few minutes anyway.

An idea popped into Till's head. It was probably one he should have given a second thought to.

“Remember when I almost broke my leg at High School?” He got up, pushed the chair aside and sat on the edge of the bed.

Ivan nodded softly. "You fell pathetically while running around with your big ass guitar, trying to serenade Mizi. In the end, she had to piggyback you to the nursery–."

“Okay, okay! No need to explain it all in full detail, Mr. Record!” Till groaned, interrupting Ivan's explanation, to which the other man chuckled.

“What about it?”

"I healed in no time thanks to my mom's care. Make room for me.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow at the instruction, but still complied, moving over the bed until his back was pressed completely against the wall behind him.

"Okay, now what?"

As he spoke, Ivan could feel the weight of the bed shifting as he saw Till crawl between his legs. He swallowed slowly, trying not to have second thoughts. However, when Till grabbed his leg and lifted it to rest on his shoulder, the position made Ivan's whole body tense with excitement.

“Is this the way you usually position your patients, Nurse?” Ivan whispered teasingly.

“Shut up or I'll test how flexible you've become over the years.” Till scoffed, blushing, as he threatened to force Ivan’s leg straight, pushing it way past his torso while pressing down on his other leg so he couldn't lift it to avoid the forced split.

“Ack – okay, okay! I'll shut up...! Please don't rip my balls!”

Till rolled his eyes and returned to positioning Ivan’s leg over his shoulder, explaining himself as he did so.

"As you know, I was a restless kid. This was the only way my mom could keep me still for a few minutes. I suppose I owe her an apology for all the trouble I caused her.” His expression softened slightly as he recalled his mom's care and the worried look on her face when he came home limping and covered in bruises.

“Oh, so you treating me like a little kid now?”

“Aren't ya behaving like one? For the sake of your poor ankle, I'll tie you to the bed if I have to.”

Ivan chuckled once more, keeping his gaze fixed on Till. He was so cute, acting all worried and assertive. Now they were closer than ever. Both physically and emotionally, at least, that's how it felt to Till at that moment.

"Well, I guess you care a bit more than I expected." Ivan muttered softly. There was no malice intended on his words, but they sparked a hint of anger in Till.

Feeling bothered by his them, he grabbed Ivan by the collar and leaned in closer, scoffing loudly.

"You trying to pick a fight? Of course I care! Why wouldn't I?”

"Ow, ow, ow—! My leg, my leg!" Ivan groaned, pushing Till's body slightly. Due to the sudden movement, he was almost facing his own knee, and he could feel the tightness of his jeans preventing any flexibility.

After Ivan's soft cries, Till relaxed his grip slightly, his hand resting mindlessly on Ivan's chest.

“You're as stiff as a stick! Aren't you supposed to be an athlete?"

“Not in tight jeans –”

"Pfff, sounds like an excuse to me."

Being this close to Ivan, Till could feel his warmth. When he noticed where his hand was resting, it was too late to pull back. He could already see his fingers digging slightly into the soft skin.

Ivan bit his lip, slightly confused by the sudden squeeze on his chest. Yet, he didn't say anything nor did he try to stop Till.

Feeling his brain go blank, Till squeezed a bit harder. He leaned closer again, this time taking Ivan's leg into consideration, moving it out of his shoulder and keeping it in the same place with his other hand. All so his face could be pressed between Ivan's pecs once more.

At first, Ivan was surprised by Till's actions. But, as he felt Till's warm face nuzzling against him, he let out a soft sigh and passed his arms around Till's neck.

“So, are you finally showing your true colours?” Ivan's husky whisper sent a shiver down Till's spine.

Realising what was happening, Till tried to push himself back, but Ivan didn’t let him. Holding his arms behind Till’s head, Ivan made sure to keep him pressed against his chest. He squeezed Till, grinning with satisfaction.

At first, Till tried to resist, but when the other didn't budge, he reluctantly gave up. He stopped grabbing onto his leg and passed his arms around Ivan, clasping them around his back. Now that was more like a proper reciprocal hug, ignoring the fact that Till was still trapped between Ivan’s tits.

Ivan blinked repeatedly as he felt Till clutching onto him. However, he became even more confused by what Till muttered against his chest.

“Don’t you hate me?” Till didn’t lift his face; in fact, he hid it even more in Ivan's chest, as if he was scared of seeing his expression when he answered.

“Why would I?” Ivan asked again in a quiet voice, as he tried to see Till's face, not pulling him closer. But Till only clung closer.

“Because of all this…”

"You need to be more specific..." Ivan replied, making Till groan. It was clear that the other man didn't want to voice his concerns. Suddenly, Ivan had a light-bulb moment. “Is this what you wanted to talk about yesterday?”

Till nodded softly, still nuzzled in Ivan's chest. Ivan continued to speak.

"Do you think I would hate you for masturbating to my picture, walking on me naked, masturbating me or squeezing my tits without warning?"

Hearing Ivan blurt it all out so blatantly made Till even more self-conscious. His face burned with embarrassment as he pressed further into Ivan’s chest and groaned.

“Y–yeah…?”

“Till, look at me.”

After a while, Till reluctantly obeyed Ivan's gentle instruction. He lifted his eyes enough to look into Ivan's droopy, dark ones. The ones he wished were always on him. Half of Till's face was still pressed down onto Ivan's pecs, but Ivan seemed satisfied that he was at least looking him straight in the eye now.

“I would never hate you. No matter what you say or do. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Till's eyes widened slightly after hearing those words. He searched Ivan's dark, adoring gaze for any hint of dishonesty. But there was none. He was serious. He looked like he really meant it. Every single word. There was something else there, something hidden beneath the bright red hue of his eyes whenever Till looked at them. Even though Till couldn’t tell what Ivan was keeping from him, he felt it had nothing to do with Ivan being insincere.

“So… does that mean… you don’t mind it?” Till asked again, his voice muffled against Ivan's clothes.

If you only knew what you're doing to me right now… Ivan thought to himself, shaking his head softly.

“Don’t you find it disgusting..?”  Till added.

“Not at all. Use me as you want, Till. I’ll gladly fulfill any of your fantasies...” Whispering gently, Ivan moved closer to Till's head, nuzzling it affectionately.

If anyone is disgusting, that's me, Till... Me and these greedy thoughts–. Keeping some of his thoughts to himself as usual, Ivan added:

“You can be even bolder if you want to…”

After saying those words, Ivan could feel Till's grip on his back thighten, his fingertips digging slightly into his skin through the T-shirt. He was making it really hard for Ivan to resist his own desires.

"I think you’re holding on to the wrong places. Come on, Till, there’s no need to be shy now." Ivan whispered once more in a husky, enticing tone that made Till’s skin erupt with goosebumps.

Till would have wanted to talk about this a bit more. There were still things on his mind that he needed to get off his chest before he could continue. But he couldn't handle the tension at that moment. When Ivan grabbed his arm and moved it back over his chest, this time under his clothes, Till lost all sense of rationality, succumbing to desire.

Ivan let out a soft hum as he forced Till’s hand to touch his skin once again. At first, his fingers were on top of Till's, but soon he felt Till's fingers moving on their own, which made him smile. Just as he had requested, Till grew bolder, pulling his T-shirt up and resting against his chest again. This time, cheek to chest. This made Ivan shiver.

He could feel his body growing hotter again, but there was no ice pad that could extinguish the internal fire. Only one person could do that: the one who had ignited it.

Suddenly, he was forced to let out a soft, surprised gasp. He looked down at Till with a slightly stunned look on his face. He had bitten him softly and was now retreating from his pec with a timid look on his face.

“Oh, so you’re playing that game?” Ivan whispered, pulling Till’s head back by his hair to expose more of his neck.

At first, Till was confused as to what Ivan meant, but he soon understood. Ivan leaned over him, pulling him closer with his left arm around his waist. He nuzzled into his neck and softly nipped a spot between his neck and collarbone.

“Ack–!” Till held his breath, biting his lower lip slightly at the sudden mix of sensations. On the one hand, it felt strangely ticklish down his spine. On the other hand, it hurt a little and felt uncomfortable. In response, he squeezed more of Ivan’s pec, while his other hand grabbed onto Ivan’s left bicep.

Satisfied by Till’s reaction, Ivan removed his teeth from Till’s skin and began to soothe it with his tongue. Till couldn’t help but let out a soft, quivering breath in response.

“Sensitive on the neck?” Ivan whispered against his skin, his fingers playing with some of the long strands at the nape of Till’s neck.

“Shut up–.”

“I bet I can find more sensitive spots to bite...”

“No...!”

“Why not?” Ivan chuckled lightly, his lips teasingly roaming alongside Till’s neck. The slight brush of Ivan's lips alongside his warm breath made Till unconsciously try to shrug his shoulders to keep him away. This only made Ivan chuckle more.

“No biting… it hurts.”

“Oh, so you can bite me, but I can’t bite you?”

Till hummed softly, as if in agreement.

So adorable… Ivan thought.

“You’re being unfair”

Despite his teasing words, Ivan simply ran his lips along Till’s neck, taking care not to bite him again or scratch him with his crooked fang. He could feel himself growing a bit exasperated by his own actions, them not being exactly what he’d like to be doing now. But as he had stated, he was there to satisfy Till’s needs, not his own. 

Till was slowly losing it, too. Ivan was being too persistent about his neck. Worst of all, he was right: he was extremely sensitive in that area. Then again, maybe it was just because it was Ivan doing it. The way he breathed, the way he kissed him, the way his tongue sometimes came out to softly lap his skin. It all clouded his brain in a dizzy haze of desire. And when Ivan pulled him closer, it was the last straw. He could feel the warmth of the other man's body more than ever. His growing erection was now pressed against Ivan’s stomach. This didn't go unnoticed by the other.

“So hard already?” Ivan whispered teasingly into his ear.

"Whose fault do you think it is?" he asked, defending himself in a soft, whiny tone while trying hard not to make it obvious how much he was enjoying such simple actions.

“Oopsies~...” Ivan let out a soft blow into Till’s ear. Clearly, he wasn't feeling the slightest bit guilty. "I suppose I should take responsibility for my actions, right?" he whispered again.

Before Till could respond, Ivan had shifted their position over the bed. He was now hovering over Till, a lustful look on his face.

Once Ivan started his ministrations, Till’s brain completely failed him and he lost all control. He didn’t even notice when or how Ivan took off his T-shirt, as he was too focused on Ivan’s hands roaming under his own. Ivan’s lips made their way from his jaw to his collarbone. He kissed his T-shirt all over his chest until his lips met his hand halfway down on Till’s stomach. This time he kissed directly over his skin, making Till grip the bed sheets beside him as he anticipated Ivan’s next stop.

It wasn’t difficult to guess where it would be, since Ivan continued kissing his way down Till’s body to the edge of his ripped jeans. Once he had made his destination clear, Ivan laid down on his belly between Till’s legs. The hand that had been exploring his body slipped through one of the rips at his knee. Meanwhile, his face nuzzled into Till’s crotch, still covered by his tight jeans.

Till gasped softly, clutching the sheets tighter as he felt Ivan's cheeks rub against his hard erection.

"Don't touch through the holes... You're going to rip my jeans.”

“Oh, please…they're already all ripped.” Ivan pouted slightly, leaving a soft kiss over Till's zipper, testing out his reaction.

“Ah–! ...but not like that!”

Ivan chuckled and reluctantly took his hand off Till's thigh.

"You've got no fun fantasies, I guess..."

Before Till could process what Ivan had meant, he had to focus on how easily his button and zip had been undone, and on the fact that he could now feel Ivan's hot breath over his boxers.

Ivan wasn't cutting him any slack. He wasn't even giving him time to rest from one sensation to another. He was now buried deep in Till's crotch, happily rubbing his cheek against it while never stopping to glance up at Till with that special look in his eyes.

“How do you feel about me using my mouth on you?” Ivan's voice was a bit more raspy than usual. It revealed how eager he was to please Till. Just as it had happened the first time.

“Why are you even asking me that at this point?” Till pouted, his face a blushing mess and his breathing all over the place as well.

“Obviously, I need your consent.”

"As if — you're just teasing me into begging for it."

Ivan’s smirk widened. “Me? Teasing you? I would never...” Kissing softly alongside the length of Till's arousal, still caged in the tight pressure of his underwear, Ivan continued his deliberate torture until he heard what he needed to. “As for begging, I can do that too.”

Till raised an eyebrow while biting his lower lip to stop himself from moaning between the gasps that threatened to escape his throat.

“Till, let me suck you off. Pretty please?”

He couldn't help it. It was more of a guttural reaction. Before Till noticed, he had let out a soft whimper because he was enjoying the way Ivan had said it, while he still playfully rubbed his cheek against Till's dick. It was too much for his heart. At this rate, Till was afraid that he would need to call an ambulance for his exploding heart.

"Just... do it." he mumbled breathily.

Smiling happily, Ivan lowered the last barrier between himself and Till's throbbing erection. However, he didn't immediately jump to it as Till would have expected.

“W-what now…?”

“Hmm… instructions unclear… What was what I had to do again?” Till scoffed at Ivan, who was feigning ignorance. “Was it biting?”

“No! Hell no–!” Panicking, Till held his hand to Ivan's forehead, keeping his face away from his cock.

Ivan simply laughed out loud at this reaction, and once Till realised that he was just teasing him, he applied less force. But he still kept his guard up.

“So?”

Till pouted and tried not to fall for the other man's tricks. But then he thought it was better to go along with it. If all he had to do was ask, why would he hesitate?

Pride? He had lost all his dignity a long time ago. There was nothing left to hold onto.

“Ivan… suck me off…” Ivan hummed and tilted his head as if expecting something else. Teasingly, he brushed his lips alongside one of the throbbing veins on the base of his cock. “M-mphm… please…?”

After such a soft, desperate plea, Ivan couldn't bring himself to tease Till any further. He was dying to do it himself, so he stopped teasing him and proceeded to run his tongue along his length. His saliva soon covered Till's entire erection, which only seemed to harden under such an intense contrast. Ivan's saliva was cold compared to how much his dick was burning from the blood rushing to it. The wet area was further stimulated by Ivan's breath, sending shivers through Till's body and making it almost impossible to keep his mouth shut.

Ivan would have liked to pull his lips out of his teeth just to hear the beautiful moans that Till was holding deep in his throat. But the sight of the usually loud Till fighting to keep quiet was also a turn-on for him. He wanted to test how far he could push him before he lost control and couldn't hold back those moans and whimpers anymore.

Although Ivan had never done this before, he performed with almost practiced ease, having imagined this situation a million times. Acting on pure instinct, he traced every inch of Till's member with his tongue, leaving no spot untouched by his lustful caress. Once he was satisfied with his work, he brought his lips to the tip of Till's cock, moulding them around it while stroking the rest with his hand. He stroked him up and down, savouring every taste he could squeeze out of Till.

Meanwhile, Till was lost in the pleasure. He could barely keep his eyes open and, when he did, he tried to glance down at Ivan. This only worsened his situation, as the sight of Ivan's head between his legs, sucking him off with worshipping desire, made his whole body shake in response. Whenever he looked down, Ivan was looking straight at his face. Their eyes locked every time Till was brave enough to peek, making it impossible to control himself and stop himself from letting go right then and there. He really wanted it to last, but Ivan was making that impossible.

"I—Ivan..." Unconsciously, Till's fingers, which had lingered on Ivan's hair, tightened around a few strands. This made Ivan's face tense with his own desperate desire.

Understanding the urgency in Till's voice, Ivan proceeded to take him further into his mouth. Not too much, as he wasn't sure how to do so without scratching him with his fang, but still enough to suck his tip until he came, dripping down his throat. The taste of Till's semen was already familiar to him, spilling over his tongue and down his throat. He let out a soft whimper, muffled only by the loud moan that Till couldn't hold back as he came in his mouth.

Relaxing his grip slightly, Till's body slumped onto the bed. Ivan's mouth was still on him, but he slowly pulled away, leaving a trail of their mixed fluids dripping down his tongue. Till was sure that image would never leave his brain.

They were both quite the mess. They panted, fighting to calm down almost in sync. Ivan rolled off Till's lap, causing a pair of teal eyes to follow his movements in confusion. It was almost as if he expected something more. Clutching his jaw, Ivan settled on his stomach beside Till, despite his boner's protests.

“You’re looking a bit messy, my dear.” he whispered with a smirk on his lips, head resting over his arms as he glanced at Till.

“You’re one to talk…” Till scoffed, averting his gaze. Now that the lust had subsided slightly, he felt bashful about everything that had happened.

Ivan continued to speak, chuckling slightly. "You should wash before going to class. I'll be a good boy and rest this leg of mine since you were kind enough to bring me here.”

Was he trying to get rid of him so soon? Till couldn’t dwell on it too much, as he was grateful for the excuse to leave.

“I’ll bring you the frozen cooling pad again in two hours, then.”

“Good.”

Still trembling, Till moved his body out of bed and back onto his feet before glancing down at Ivan lying over the bed. The sight of his exposed back was too tempting, so he instantly looked away, lest he lose control once more and jump at him.

Ivan’s eyes followed him as he disappeared into the bathroom.

After a quick shower, Till's body finally relaxed from its excited state. He hesitated before exiting the bathroom, taking a few steps back to glance at his reflection in the mirror.

There was a slight red mark where Ivan had bitten him earlier that the loose collar of his T-shirt wouldn't cover at all.

“Okay Till. Let's be real here… What the fuck is wrong with you!?” 

Staring at his reflection, Till frantically ruffled his hair. There must be something wrong with his brain. He was definitely malfunctioning. Why else would he be such an idiot as to trip over the same stone thrice in a row?

Now, Ivan would definitely think he was some kind of kinky weirdo. He'd think that all it took to get him going was showing him some abs and biceps, and voilà! he'd be a desperate little whore.

Ivan completely fried Till’s brain whenever he was near. Reason flew out of the window, leaving his body to act on its own before he could even notice. And even though things were OK, it was not going as he'd hoped.

Of course, getting to do that kind of thing with the person he liked filled him with thrilling joy and excitement. But at the end of the day, what were they?

Friends?

Fuck buddies?

That wasn't what Till wanted at all.

He let out all the air in his lungs and bumped his head on the cool surface of the bathroom mirror. He tried to keep his mind clear of lewd thoughts, which, given the recent events, was impossible.

They talked. But it felt as if they were still stuck in the same place.

At least Till was now sure of one thing: their relationship wasn’t completely beyond repair. Ivan didn’t hate him — that had to mean something , didn't it?

Chapter Text

Till calmed down a bit more as he breathed in and out and splashed cool water on his face. Despite having just refreshed himself, he felt that at any moment he would start burning again, and he knew exactly who was responsible: the person on the other side of the bathroom door.

Glancing once more at the red mark left by Ivan's teeth on his skin, he felt it burning beneath his fingers as he traced it. He had told Ivan not to bite him again because it hurt. In reality, though, he was just trying not to lose control because he had discovered that he liked being bitten, too. He really wanted to do things right. But he could not easily expect or plan to discover something that turned him on even more every time.

Then again, exploring his sexuality in this way felt natural to him. After all, he had never been so intimate with anyone before. The fact that Ivan was adamantly offering to help only made it harder not to cross the line every time.

Sighing deeply once more, he stopped tracing the bite mark and stared at his reflection. He should change his outfit.

As Till left the bathroom, he went straight to the wardrobe in front of the door, searching for a clean T-shirt. Ivan’s eyes spotted Till almost immediately, as if he were magnetised to him. He was sitting by the bed with his back to the headrest and his left ankle over one of the two pillows.

When Till took out his shirt, he was taken aback by what he saw, and he couldn't take his eyes off it. He was fighting a losing battle at this point.

Having changed into a high-collared, sleeveless blouse with a smoky skull on the front, Till turned around to glance at Ivan. He then peeked inside the wardrobe once more and brought out a spare duvet.

Ivan was initially confused by Till's actions, both the change of clothes and the duvet. However, as Till placed it over his own bed, he explained his actions.

“You can use it to prop up your ankle. I'll ... Uh... change your bedsheets later, so you can use my bed in the meantime.” He was trying really hard to sound as calm as possible. He tried not to get lost in the way Ivan was still shirtless and to wonder why he had his arm resting over his lap.

“Okay.” Ivan nodded, responding briefly. Till was really going back to class. It was only natural, after all, and he had asked him to do so.

"If you need anything else, send me a message."

“Got it.” He nodded once more. His eyes found it difficult to leave Till's form, struggling to stop wandering to the places he had been all over just a few minutes ago.

Till raised an eyebrow, somewhat confused by Ivan's sudden change in behaviour. Then again, he had said he was going to be a good boy.

Shaking his head slightly, Till picked up the cooling pad, which was already more than warm, from Ivan's bed. Not without glancing at Ivan one last time. His eyes were fixed more on Ivan's hidden crotch than anything else.

"Are you sure you don't want me to...?"

“Hm?” Ivan tilted his head. He smiled brightly, feigning ignorance. “I'm okay. You can go.”

“But–”

“I'm fine, really.”

Feeling only partially convinced and not wanting to embarrass himself further by asking more questions, Till simply nodded and turned around to leave the room.

Once Till had left, Ivan waited a few minutes, as if calculating a safe time. He was still unsure whether Till would turn around again and ask more questions. After a few minutes had passed, however, he let out a soft sigh. He was perhaps a little disappointed, but also relieved, as he finally moved his arm away and glanced at himself.

He had come from pleasing Till, just like last time, but he was still hard as a rock. He knew Till had suggested taking care of him too, but it was better for the other not to do so at the moment, or else he wouldn't be satisfied with just jerking off.

This was getting more dangerous. The more he did for Till, the greedier he became. He had to remind himself that all of this was to satisfy Till's desires, not his own. He wanted Till, but that was out of the question, unless Till wanted him to want him too.

But that was impossible...Right?

…

As Till tried to get on with his day, he noticed that more people than ever were looking at him. The realisation that history might be about to repeat itself dawned on him.

It all started as one of his classes ended. The first person to approach him that day was a girl from his class. He clearly recognised her as the girl who usually live-streamed Ivan's training.

"Uhm, hey, you..." She didn't even seem bothered about getting his name right, but he still wouldn't be able to ignore her as she was blocking his way. “I heard Ivan didn't attend the lessons this morning. Some people saw you taking crutches and ice to his room. Is he ok?”

Till sighed and looked up from the things he was putting in his bag.

“He just needed to rest his foot.” 

“Oh, I see.” The girl nodded softly, satisfied with the information she had received, and left the room while typing on her phone.

Till sighed. He had been in her class since the beginning of the first term, yet she was unaware of his name. Not that he knew hers anyway, but–well.

He only took a few steps into the hallway when he felt a sudden tug on his bag. He was a little surprised at first, but when he turned around, he was more upset than anything.

“You're Ivan's roommate, right?” A different girl – the one he had seen talking to Ivan in the hallway– stopped him on the way to his class.

Till glanced at her, scowling. “Yeah, so?”

"I was wondering how he was doing… I heard his sprained ankle got worse, so I wanted to give him these."

The girl handed Till a paper bag. It had a cute pink heart pattern all around it and was filled with stickers, tied shut with a red ribbon.

Till raised an eyebrow, but didn't stop frowning.

“OK, and? Give them to him. What has that got to do with me?”

"Oh, well, um... I think it's best if he keeps resting, and I can't just go to the boys' dorms to give him sweets, haha, right?" She answered nervously.

Not my problem. Was the answer tipping in Till's tongue. And sweets? Was this girl trying to give sweets to Ivan as a recovery gift? Till frowned further and snatched the bag from her hands a little too roughly, wrinkling the paper slightly in the process. This made the girl panic slightly and instantly regret asking him for the favour.

"What? I'll give them to him. That's what you wanted, or not?”

The girl pressed her lips together and forced a smile, nodding and turning around. In the window reflection, Till could see the girl instantly turn into a scoff and grumble under her breath as she walked away from him.

He threw the gift in his bag and resumed walking.

In the span of five minutes, he was intercepted by at least ten different people. Questions about Ivan's well-being, requests for gifts to be sent his way, and inquiries about the repercussions for the upcoming match from his teammates. Till had had enough. He wasn't Ivan's errand boy.

That was why he hated interacting with Ivan in front of other people. It happened back in high school, and it made him very annoyed. Once they started college, he tried to avoid Ivan in public at all costs to prevent it from happening again. And it had been working so far. He was just the outcast that, from time to time, Ivan seemed to take pity upon and hang out with, but that was the extent of it. No one knew that they were roommates. Nor that they were close.

However, after the events of that morning, whispers spread like wildfire, and the fact that he was Ivan's mysterious roommate was common knowledge around campus.

The emo kid was the one who owned the mysterious empty bed beside Ivan's all along.

Part of him hated the fact that he was still pretty much a nobody. People were just talking out of jealousy, calling him “the brat who gets the best spot undeservingly”.

Even though he was close to Ivan, he was always referred to as the emo kid or the goth weirdo whenever his presence was mentioned in gossip about Ivan. It frustrated him. They were head over heels for Ivan, yet they couldn't even be bothered to learn his best friend's name. Oh, right–Apparently, they weren't friends anymore. Or maybe they never were to begin with.

Groaning, Till shook his head.

No, Till. He probably just said that to mess with you. After all, he doesn't hate you, and things are… somehow as they used to be between us.

But now that he had figured out his feelings, it pissed him off. If he was in the spotlight, he deserved to be recognised properly, didn't he?

However, he wasn't sure if being overlooked was that bad. He was already feeling anxious with all eyes on him. If he started to hear his name on their lips too, he would probably lose it completely. So far, he could lie to himself and think they were talking about any other emo when he heard 'emo this' and 'emo that'.

After all, there was only one Till.

He clicked his tongue. He would give anything to have his headphones with him right now. They would have helped him ignore all these people and get lost in his own world, as usual. They wouldn't have made the eyes disappear, but at least he could have drowned out the voices.

“Hey, Till!” Another female voice called out to him just as he was about to enter the classroom.

“What the hell do you want this time?” Till turned around, scowling. He instantly regretted it, though, and his face turned red with embarrassment at his harsh words. He relaxed a bit more when he saw who had called him.

Mizi looked at him, perplexed, but laughed softly when she saw the apologetic look dawn on his face. Sua, who was clinging tightly to Mizi's right arm as if trying to prove a point, wasn't so easily convinced to let Till's slip of the tongue go.

“Oh shit– Sorry, Mizi, I just…”

"You've been bothered all morning. I get it." The pink-haired girl chuckled lightly and waved her hand, reassuring Till that everything was fine. She wasn't offended at all.

“Language.” Sua, on the other hand, scoffed sharply under her breath.

Till laughed nervously and scratched the back of his neck.

“W-what is it? I thought you girls were busy with exams this week.” The poor boy tried to change the subject.

“Totally! But I thought we should check in on you, seeing as you've been the talk of the campus all morning.”

“Haha…” After laughing nervously, Till finally sighed and slumped against the wall. Glancing at his feet, he continued speaking. “I swear people are a pain in the–.”

“Language!” Sua scolded again. Till cleared his throat.

"You girls can imagine... I've been pestered by Ivan's fan club all morning."

“So, how are you?” Mizi's genuine concern made Till smile softly.

"I'm managing, I guess... I expected this to happen sooner or later anyway."

“Yeah, I can totally see why!” Mizi nodded and smiled brightly at him, as if trying to comfort him with her cheerful demeanour. Sighing she put in her free hand in her hip. "I heard Ivan had sprained his ankle, but yesterday he was running around campus searching for you, so I guess it got worse."

“Wait… what?” Till looked at Mizi, confused.

“Huh? What's the problem?” The girl glanced back innocently.

“You said Ivan was looking for me?”

“Ah! Yeah! Apparently, he didn't see you go home. I happened to catch him wandering the hallways looking gloomy, so he asked me to tell him if I saw you. After that, I heard from some guys that you went home after lunchtime, so I told him!”

Till hadn't seen that one coming. Ivan hadn't overworked himself because of secret training, but because he had been searching for Till after leaving that conversation hanging in the air…

«I worry too, you know?» Ivan's deleted message lingered on his mind.

“Wait, wait… You mean to tell me that he actually did that?”

Mizi tilted her head as if wondering why Till was so reluctant to believe it. But she smiled knowingly, keeping the fact in mind for now, at least.

“Yeah! He looked like a total zombie. At first, I thought it would be because of the party organisation, but…”

Till was even more confused. He didn't understand anything about what Mizi had said so far.

“Party? What party?”

“Oh! You don't know? Well, of course you don't... You were MIA yesterday. Makes sense.” Mizi’s eyes lit up as she started talking about the thing she was most enthusiastic about: partying.

“Mizi, please don't start; we have yet to–” Sua's soft plea was drowned out by Mizi's sudden outburst.

"Yesterday, the council finally agreed to take responsibility for organising a party on campus to make the most of the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to party during a meteor shower! Can you imagine it, Till? Dancing, drinking, and enjoying good music while the stars dance with us!” She jumped around excitedly, explaining everything to Till, who felt a bit overwhelmed by the sudden flood of information. “It's still a tough battle tho. The director is still against the idea, so I volunteered and went around campus collecting signatures to show that everyone is interested. I found Ivan in the hallway and then–."

“Mizi! We're going to be late for the exam at this rate!” Sua exclaimed, shaking the girl's arm slightly to get her attention.

“Oh shit–! Er, Right!” Mizi chuckled lightly and scratched the back of her head. In response to Mizi's curse, Sua shot Till a death stare, as if it was his fault. “Sorry, Till! I'll talk to you later. You're on the party team, right? Right!?”

Sua started to pull Mizi by the arm, forcing her to walk through the hallway. That didn't stop her from talking, though.

“I'll send you the signing form! Please, Till we gotta make this party happen! Like, totally!”

After disappearing into a corner, Till found himself standing awkwardly in the middle of the hallway, waving at no one in the distance.

Mizi was always cheerful and full of light. It was almost blinding. She was a good friend, and interacting with her always energised him, despite her unexpected outbursts of facts –or partying planning. He chuckled lightly, feeling a bit more relaxed after his sudden exposure to sunshine, and headed into the lecture room, giving Mizi's words a spin in his head.

Ivan had been searching for him.

And, apparently, there was going to be a meteor shower.

…

Being alone in a room with nothing much to do and barely able to move was more boring than Ivan had expected.

He glanced at the ceiling from Till's bed. As the other had suggested, he had moved over to rest while Till was at his lessons. He had crutches now, though, and could probably go to his own, too. But he didn't feel like it.

Snuggling into the pillow, Ivan sighed. The sheets were clean and the other didn't sleep on campus as much, so it barely smelt like Till. Now that he had discovered that Till was worried about him, maybe if he pretended to need a little more care and supervision, Till would stay just for his sake. He could always just ask and admit that he was feeling lonely in the room on his own. But he couldn't risk losing the chance to mess around with Till AND see his gentle face while he was nursing him. No way.

Smiling like an idiot, Ivan rolled over on the bed again to skip the unfamiliar song that had come on in his playlist. His phone was beside his head, the headphones in his ears playing music on shuffle to distract him. But when he glanced at the title on his phone screen, he froze, not pressing the skip button. The title was familiar –wasn't this one of the songs he had seen Till listening to?

He decided not to skip it then, instead closing his eyes and focusing on the melody and lyrics of the song. This wasn't usually his thing, but then again, he would listen to pretty much anything as long as it sounded good. This song would probably be a good fit for his list.

Coming from Till, he would have expected a song full of screams and deep, distorted voices, with people screaming about being against the world. But surprisingly enough, this seemed to be a rock ballad –if such a thing existed. There were electric guitars, but they sounded too soft. The singer seemed to strain his voice a little in the chorus, as if to emphasise the depth of his emotions. This made Ivan connect with the song a bit, despite it not being his usual genre or what he would have expected from it.

He was so focused on the music and on figuring out why Till listened to this song. Was it the melody? The voice? The lyrics? What part of the song did Till like?

If it was the music itself, he could understand that. He was always fascinated by different musical pieces and the mix of genres and instruments.

If it was because of the vocals, he could imagine Till trying to mimic the singer's style with his own strong voice. Imagining him singing it made Ivan smile bitterly.

Picturing Till singing those words...

If it was due to the lyrics, then Till must definitely be a hopeless romantic in the most intense way possible. Not that he was against the idea, though– it suited Till, but it suited him too.

He found himself so lost in the idea of connecting with the song, and possibly with Till's feelings too, that he didn’t notice or hear someone approaching through the door.

Till's bed was definitely the worst positioned in the room, as it forced you to be laid with your back to the main door. This made Till's reckless actions from a few days ago seem more understandable, in a way.

It was only when the headphones were roughly removed from his head that Ivan realised he was no longer alone. A different growl now filled his ears, one that made him smile widely and look like an idiot.

“What the fuck are you doing with my headphones!?” Till spat, frowning as he held onto his precious missing item.

“Listening to music.” Ivan replied unapologetically.

“Ugh– You know what– I should’ve guessed you were the culprit behind their disappearance.”

“I just happened to find them.”

“Find them, my ass.” Till groaned. "I thought you stopped stealing my things back in school. Seems like you're still as much of a kleptomaniac as ever."

"Oh wow, you not trusting my words hurts…" Ivan feigned offence, pouting slightly.

“You’re an asshole.”

“Judging on baseless accusations is a bad thing, y’know?”

“It’s not baseless when you always steal my stuff, idiot!”

“I beg to differ. I never stole anything; you just happened to mysteriously overlook your belongings for a while, and I took care of them until you missed them.”

“You little–!”

Till jumped onto the bed and grabbed Ivan by the collar. This made Ivan chuckle and raise his hands in mock surrender.

“Are you going to beat up an innocent, helpless man now?”

"The only true thing about that sentence is that you’re a man.” Till protested, speaking between his teeth.

“Pfft.” Ivan continued to hold his hands in the air, laughing softly.

“Stop it! Tell me, why did you steal them?” Till brought his fist up threateningly.

“Okay, okay… I didn’t steal them, honestly. You left them behind one night, and I really liked the sound quality. So...”

“Ivan!” Till then started shaking Ivan violently by the collar of his T-shirt, which made Ivan laugh out loud.

Grabbing Till's wrists after allowing him a few shakes, Ivan smirk widened as he saw Till struggling to move him now that he was not letting him.

“I just didn’t return them… Does finding a lost item and keeping it count as stealing?”

“Of fucking course it does, when you know the owner and don’t tell them!” Till tried to free his hands from Ivan’s tight grip on his wrists. It was a losing battle, though.

“Oh, but I would have given them back to you… eventually.” Ivan answered with a big smirk on his lips, his fang peeking out as devilishly as usual.

“Fucking asshole.” Till snorted.

“When will you start pointing out my good qualities? I’m kind of fed up with you only ever pointing out the bad things I do…” Ivan pouted slightly, acting like a guilty puppy being scolded as he snuggled up to Till's captive hands.

“You have none, so never, asshole!”

He sighed as if sad about not getting his desired treat, pulling Till closer and forcing him to put a knee on the bed while he fought to escape. After a brief struggle, Ivan pulled him over with a cocky grin, almost causing him to straddle him.

"Did you really think getting into a fight with me was a good idea?" Ivan whispered.

“Shut up! I could beat you up if I wanted to.”

“Oh, really?” Ivan leaned closer and tightened his grip on Till's wrists, preventing him from stepping back.

Struggling to shake his hands off, Till started squirming.

“Ugh! Why are you like this!? You could have asked me about the headphones and bought the same ones as mine!”

“I like yours better.”

“What? Why!?”

“Because they're yours.”

Feeling done with Ivan’s incomprehensible excuses, Till groaned and put more force into trying to free himself from Ivan's grasp. It was all in vain, though, as there was no way his slim arms could free themselves from that strong grasp.

“You're going to break my hands! Let go!” he protested.

Ivan chuckled and loosened his grip slightly to allow more room for Till's movements. Thanks to this, Till finally managed to release his hand and shook it off rather harshly. In doing so, he hit Ivan’s mouth as it was too close when he moved his fist. It wasn’t a hard hit, but Ivan’s fang was crooked and, as a result of the unexpected blow, his lip got caught under the pointy edge, causing a small cut.

“Ah…” Ivan brought one of his hands to his lip, smearing his thumb over the cut as if to check if he was bleeding. Given the sudden iron taste in his mouth, he knew he was.

“Oh shit, sorry–.” Till instantly felt guilty and his hands hovered over Ivan's face as he leaned in to check the cut. “Let me see.”

The sudden soft, worried tone in Till's voice surprised Ivan and made his chest flutter with a familiar greed. Without saying anything, he moved his hand away from his lip and let Till reach under his lower lip with his thumb.

Suddenly, the pain on it wasn't an issue anymore.

He could gaze at those beautiful teal eyes of his for every single second of the day, but he felt a little self-conscious about it because they were so focused on his lips. He unconsciously went to lick them, but Till scoffed and pushed his lip further down.

“Keep still...” Till muttered, wiping away some fresh blood from Ivan's lip and sighing. "It doesn't look too bad. I'll go and get something for you to press against it until the bleeding stops."

Ivan was grateful when Till walked off the bed and towards the bathroom. If he had pulled his lip out any further, he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from jumping at Till once again.

Why was Till able to make his supposed nonchalance crumble with a single glance? 

After a short while, Till returned with a damp cotton pad. He sat on the edge of the bed and gently pressed it against his lip. Ivan had to hold his breath, otherwise his heart would have jumped out of his mouth.

“... Why do you keep hurting yourself because of me?” Till muttered, snapping Ivan out of it.

As Ivan reached for the pad, their fingers brushed against each other briefly.

“What do you mean? This was all your fault.” Ivan muttered in a soft tone. Despite his words being sharp and somewhat insulting, Till couldn't help but feel that there was more to it than met the eye.

“It was an accident. Also I didn't mean just that...” Till glanced at Ivan's ankle and then reached for his bag.

He tried to take out the cooling pad he had brought for Ivan, but found it impossible as it was buried under the overwhelming amount of gifts he had been given on the way.

At first, Ivan was confused by Till's words, but he became even more confused when Till flipped his bag and threw all the things he had been handed on the way. Seeing all the gifts, he could tell that they weren't from Till. However, as the first thing he reached for was the cooling pad, which was almost imperceptible under all the other items, Ivan's eyes widened slightly.

“Mizi told me you had been searching for me yesterday.” Till clarified, extending the cooling pad to him.

Ivan's eyes flinched slightly as he pressed his lip with the cotton bud, using it as a pretext for not saying anything.

"I could tell after seeing all your messages when I woke up, but you were really worried, weren't you?" Till asked in a timid tone.

He was scared of making the wrong assumptions about how others felt; that's why he beat about the bush most of the time instead of asking directly. He didn't know why he was asking this time. Maybe because he wanted to believe the statement was true.

Ivan didn't answer. Instead, he averted his gaze as if recalculating his next words. Till spoke over them as he reached to press the iced pack over his ankle.

"There's no need to act nonchalant now. I did see your message. And don't try to distract me by talking about anything else.”

Ivan perked up a little, staying quiet. His eyes tried to make sense of the tenderness and understanding that Till was showing at that moment.

His beautiful, clear eyes were fixed on Ivan's wound. He looked almost guilty.

As Ivan remained silent, Till continued to speak.

“I'm sorry to have worried you. But I'd prefer it if you didn't overlook your own needs in order to take care of me. That would be hypocritical of you.”

They locked eyes and Ivan had an expression that Till couldn't fully understand or see. His lips were pressed together behind the cotton, which was pressing down onto his bleeding lip. But somehow, Till could tell that he wasn't smiling mockingly or thinking of saying anything snarky about it. At least he could tell Ivan was listening to him.

“Why did you go to such an extent?”

“You weren't replying.” That was the first thing Ivan could manage to mumble from behind the cotton.

“I went straight to bed once I got home.”

“Ah…” Ivan glanced away quickly. That was a first.

“What?” Till could see the hesitation in the other man's eyes. He was definitely holding something back. "If you have something to say, say it.”

“... Did you sleep all evening?”

“Yeah, I was really tired. Died on the bed right on the spot.”

“I see…” 

The atmosphere in the room was becoming a little weird. Not in a bad way, though – just weird. They were talking normally. The other one seemed to understand and was willing to listen. It wasn't exactly a heart-to-heart conversation, but it was... something.

Ivan felt like he could at least try to resolve one tiny doubt in his mind.

“So, you didn't ignore me on purpose?”

“What?” Till blinked several times, frowning at the question.

“The messages.”

“Ivan.” The black-haired man stiffened slightly at being called by his name so suddenly. “I saw your messages when I woke up. It's not like I didn't tell you anything just to make you run around–”

“I didn't mean it that way.” Ivan interrupted, which made Till sigh.

"I know, I was just making sure you don't get any weird ideas." Ivan nodded softly in response to Till’s words. "I should have told you I was leaving first. Sorry...'

“No, it's okay.”

Awkward. It was the best word to describe their current situation: awkward. But not uncomfortable. Just awkward. Unfamiliar. They wouldn't usually do these things. Talking. Communicating and solving problems with words. This lead to another problem. They didn't know how to keep the conversation flowing.

Till glanced over at the pile of gifts beside Ivan on the bed. Then he looked back at his headphones, which were also resting on the bed.

As silence settled in between them, Till reached out to take back his headphones. He passed them through his neck, pouted, and spoke in a soft tone.

“You've got no idea how much I needed these today, silly…” It was more of a tantrum-like protest than an actual scolding. Ivan glanced up with a raised eyebrow.

Then, as Till glanced at the gifts, Ivan followed his gaze and a soft 'ah' escaped his mouth in realisation.

“Everyone's a pain in the ass. I don't know how you handle all their incessant attention.” He added, pouting, as Ivan looked at the cute packs with loving messages that were now resting on the bed between them.

Ivan's eyes then rested on Till's headphones around his neck for a moment, before he averted his gaze to a random pack of sweets that he had picked up and was now squishing slightly in his free hand.

However, Till noticed his action and grabbed the right side of his headphones after changing the hand he was holding the cooling pad in, moving it onto Ivan's ankle.

"If you buy me a new pair, I can lend you these..." Speaking through a pout, he made Ivan glance at him again with a perplexed look.

“Now you're giving me your rubbish?”

Till clicked his tongue and frowned instantly. Instead of jumping to punch Ivan like last time, he just pouted more.

“You said you wanted them!”

“Yes.” Ivan nodded softly.

“Then why are you calling them rubbish? They're not broken.”

"But they’re second-hand, and you’re making me buy new ones for you."

"Then you can keep the new ones!”Till exclaimed, exasperated.

“No.”

“Why not!?”

“Because they're not yours.”

“Ugh–!” Frustratedly rubbing a hand against his face, Till asked, “What the fuck do you want?”

Ivan simply chuckled as he glanced back at the pile of gifts Till had delivered.

Whatever deal had been going on between them a few minutes ago had completely vanished, transforming into their usual banter... almost. But that was fine. It was easier this way.

Fiddling with the pink paper, Ivan absentmindedly traced the hearts on it, avoiding glancing Till's way. The faces he was pulling were so cute and lovely. It sparked a new desire in him: to kiss that cute little pout away.

“You can get them back. And if I ever need them again, I'll know where to find them– ack!”

Till hit him on the head with his open hand. Not too hard, but hard enough to make a silly sound.

“You're an airhead.”

"Where's the Till who was worried about me getting hurt because of him now?" Ivan protested in a sulky tone, rubbing the spot where he had been hit.

“Still here. You just deserve a punch every once in a while. Maybe if you were nicer, you wouldn't get punched.”

Chuckling lightly, Ivan finally lifted the cotton pad from his lip, which had stopped bleeding.

“I could be nicer if you stopped attacking me.”

“I attack you precisely because you're not nice–”

Despite their arguments, Till checked Ivan's injury, moving the cooling pad away from his ankle.

"It looks like the rest has done you good, so take it easy from now on to avoid making it worse again."

“Yes, mom.”

Till groaned and shot him a glare. "Why am I your mom instead of your nurse now?"

"Would you rather be called my nurse then?"

“No! I'd rather be called nothing, thank you!”

“Okay, Nothing.”

“Ugh–.”

Muttering unintelligible curses under his breath, Till got off the bed and pulled the dirty sheets off Ivan's bed. 

Why couldn't Ivan act like a normal person? He could have done it for a few more minutes in a row. Why did he have to rage-bait him all the time? He was purposely messing with him, making him angry and testing him to see if he would react. And because he was so sensitive, he fell into the trap every time.

Why did he even like that asshole?

“Till…” Ivan broke the silence, speaking his name in an oddly gentle way. This made him turn around, raising an eyebrow as he grabbed the ball of messy sheets. “I… I'm sorry this happened again.”

At first, Till was confused, but as soon as he saw that Ivan's eyes were fixed on the gifts, he simply sighed.

"It's alright. It would've happened sooner or later." Sighing, Till shrugged his shoulders. 

He had been an idiot to believe that keeping himself away from drama was an option. And if he was serious about his feelings for Ivan, he definitely needed to prepare himself for worse.

Ivan didn't say anything else; he just stared at the packages, not even bothering to open them.

"Most of the girls told me they're sweets. Aren't you going to eat them?”

Ivan's dark eyes lifted to glance back at Till. Despite it being a thing he would otherwise enjoy, he didn't seem too enthusiastic about the idea of eating them. There was a certain... something behind his eyes that Till couldn't quite identify.

"If you don't want them, give them to me as a reward for the effort of handling them."

Ivan chuckled lightly as he fiddled with a heart-shaped package before throwing it at Till.

“There you go then, your payment, messenger.”

Till caught the box as he held the ball of messy sheets in his right arm. He was going to complain about the new nickname, but decided against it.

“The minimum I expected.” 

Acting all cocky, he walked over to the door, but was stopped once again by Ivan's voice.

“Till.”

“Yeah?”

“It was nice.”

“Huh?”

“...talking to you.”

They stood there for a while, glancing at each other in silence, both with somewhat serious expressions on their faces. Till smiled first.

“Yeah, it was nice.” 

Ivan smiled back, and Till resumed his walk. As he left the room, Ivan glanced back at the pile of gifts for him.

You too shouldn't overdo yourself, least for my sake.

Sighing softly, he lay back down on the bed.

Maybe he could ask Till to stay over tonight... as it seemed they were finally on the same page.

Chapter Text

Till walked down the hallway, playing with the heart-shaped box of chocolates by tossing it into the air and catching it again. A silly grin was drawn on his face as he made his way towards the laundry room.

His steps even radiated his good mood. All that was left for him to do was to jump around like a silly teenager in love, his face bright with excitement.

He was oddly happy about recent events. Talking to Ivan had put him in a good mood, but more than that, he was happy to have confirmed that Ivan had been desperately searching for him. It proved that he cared –or at least Till liked to think so.

Perhaps that was selfish of him, though. After all, he was enjoying the fact that Ivan was reckless enough to not mind his own well-being just to make sure he was all right. He pouted slightly as he caught the box one last time. Now he felt a little guilty too.

He knew that being happy about Ivan hurting himself over him was a bit twisted. But he couldn't stop his heart from beating excitedly at the thought.

Don't get him wrong; he was worried, too.

Just how reckless was Ivan willing to be for his sake? It was just an overexerted sprained ankle now, but how far would he go?

Given their situation, Till started to wonder whether Ivan was doing this of his own choice or if he was just trying to play a part.

Because, let's be honest, Ivan was a bit of a people-pleaser. He always did what others expected of him. Academically, socially, and personally too. It was as if his whole life was dictated by what others expected of him.

His physique was clearly athletic, which indicated that he must be a member of a sports team. And so he was.

He was smart, so he should naturally have perfect marks. And such he obtained.

Handsome? Then he should be charismatic and become the man that everyone on campus wants to be with... Self-explanatory.

But only when he was around Till –or Sua– would he act like the childish asshole he was.

That's why Till considered himself his best friend, but what if he had just been playing a role all this time too?

The idea made sense to him somehow. But, at the same time, it was somewhat contradictory.

Would a people pleaser have found themselves in a situation like this? Pretty much.

But someone who didn't want it to happen wouldn't step into the game and tease the other person about it, would they?

So, unless Ivan had somehow found a way into his mind to understand the twisted logic behind Till's enjoyment of his annoying antics and playful banter, it made no sense for him to do so just to fulfil a role.

No use thinking about it. I'll ask Ivan later.

They needed to talk more. After all, things were heading in a better direction now, weren't they?

Sighing deeply, Till grabbed the tangled sheets with both arms, pulling them close to his chest and resting his chin on them.

The bittersweet feelings swirling inside him left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth, causing him to slow his pace slightly. The thoughts that had popped into his mind were difficult to let go of since, once a doubt sprouted in his head, it took root until the truth was cleared up.

But despite it all, nothing made his silly lovey-dovey smile disappear.

Once inside the laundry room, he settled down next to a washing machine in the corner. He left all his things on top of it and put the sweet box aside as he separated the different sheets. He dropped the unstained sheets, such as the pillowcase and bottom sheet, inside the washing machine. However, he took a closer look at the top sheets. After looking around and checking once more that he was alone in the room, he opened them wide, exposing the stained sheets over the counter.

He sighed, trying not to think about it too much, and grabbed some detergent to pour directly onto the spills. Despite trying to keep a cool head, his cheeks burned slightly with embarrassment at his actions.

He wanted to make sure that no trace was left, so he manually scrubbed every drop of his semen off the sheets. He would feel too ashamed to make anyone sleep on sheets that had been tainted by him in that way.

One, two... maybe even three small areas with dry patches were spotted and successfully scrubbed down. But by the time he reached the fourth and fifth large ones, Till was extremely confused. He had only ejaculated once, and most of it had gone in Ivan's mouth. There was no way he could have left such a big mess on the sheets.

Without giving it a second thought, Till brought the sheets closer to his nose. He wanted to smell the stained area a little bit more closely. Maybe he should have thought twice about that. Really. Because it was clear as day what the stain was. He wasn't wrong; it was semen. Just not his own.

When he finally realised this, he sprang up, his cheeks burning like hell. He couldn't see himself, but he didn't need a mirror to know that he was blushing hard.

Had he just sniffed the remains of Ivan's spill?

...

He brought the sheets closer to his face again, this time deliberately.

Yes, it definitely smelled like Ivan. Not just the stain, but the whole sheet. His herbal shampoo, his fruity body lotion, his sweat... and, yes, his semen too. Till's face felt even hotter, if that was possible, as he nuzzled into the scent.

Why did it feel so nice to be surrounded by Ivan's scent?

Fuck–

He jumped at the realisation of his actions and glanced around the room hurriedly. Fortunately for him, there was no one around to see him acting like a freak.

He furiously continued to scrub down the stain, trying to drown out all the thoughts flooding his mind as he inhaled the strong smell of the detergent.

But it seemed like there was no use. Ivan's scent had long lingered in the back of his nostrils, and a voice in his head told him to take another sniff instead of trying to clean the sheets.

He was constantly reminded of how he had got himself into such a situation. Despite trying to focus on getting the sheets clean and not making them messier, Ivan's face while jerking and sucking him off popped into his mind.

However, the sight was enticing. The memory of such intimate contact rekindled the fire in his skin.

Even if he closed his eyes, he saw Ivan. And opening his eyes wouldn't save him from the memory of his own actions either.

Fuck, fuck, fuck–

He often complained that Ivan was unable to act like a normal person around him. And there he was, acting like a complete freak, smelling used, dirty sheets. And maybe he was even getting aroused by it. He could have sworn he was normal. Was. Maybe a week ago, before this things with Ivan had even started... Or at least he wanted to believe so.

Having crossed certain lines and experienced certain things had definitely tainted his mind. Then again, maybe he just hadn't found the opportunity to cross those lines with anyone else.

Till shook his head and scrubbed harder. He might even have bruised his knuckles in the process. But he didn't care; he just wanted to stop thinking about the things they had done while he was trying so hard to make things right.

Don't ruin this by getting horny again,Till.

He tried.

He really, really, REALLY, tried.

…

Walking around campus wasn't really as hard now, although it was still a bit of a challenge. It seemed like Till was right; resting had done him good. He was still leaning on the crutch to make sure he didn't put any unnecessary strain on his left ankle.

After being away for half a day, Ivan felt more refreshed than ever. Not even a full night's sleep had made him feel as good as he did at that moment. His mind was at ease and everything seemed brighter; the day didn't feel like a chore at all.

Perhaps it was because he had spent some time alone and rested his mask for longer than usual.

Or maybe it was because he had had a proper conversation with Till earlier.

Or perhaps it was because the taste of Till still lingered on his lips, making him happy–.

Whatever the reason, the important thing was that he was in a really good mood. A smile came naturally to his lips, and he didn't have to resort to his usual forced one. Even handling people now seemed like a piece of cake.

He lost about four lessons and five hours worth of work time. But it was all worthwhile. He had managed to convince Till to use him more, so he could probably expect to touch him again soon. He had also confirmed with Till that he hadn't ignored him on purpose yesterday. He even got Till to admit that he had been worried about him twice in one day. Everything was great; life was good for once.

However, upon further reflection, if the conversation they had this morning was the cause of Till's sleepless nights, it made no sense. At least, that's what Ivan thought. Till losing sleep over the fact that he thought Ivan hated him? It made no sense at all. He knew that Till cared about him, but did he care that much?

Lost in thoughts he couldn't figure out on his own, Ivan was soon brought back to reality.

"Ivan! Are you feeling better now? Gosh, I'm so glad to see you around! I wouldn't have been able to deal with that punk again just to reach out to you...”

People could be so shameless sometimes. Ivan felt a sense of unease in response to that girl almost immediately. He didn't need to be too smart to see where the conversation was going. And he didn't like it at all. The fact that the girl was giggling as she spoke only added to his discomfort.

"I'm just going to grab some food before going back to rest." He gave her a politely vague answer, bowing his head slightly and smiling in return.

"Huh? Hungry? Did that emo kid not give you our gifts? I'm sure the other girls in the club gave him lots of boxes.”

The happiness behind Ivan's smile disappeared with every word she spoke. It was as if the highs and lows of her voice reminded him of his true place. It reminded him of what his priorities should be and how he should have been acting all along.

"Haha, he did give them to me. But you can't expect a man like me to recover with just chocolates and sweets, can you? I think I need a proper meal to recover."

“Oh! Of course! Dumb me...” The girl giggled softly, feeling a little embarrassed for suggesting that he would be satisfied with just the sweets. But Ivan knew she knew what he really meant; she just wanted to make sure that Till had done his job properly. Because she didn't trust him. Honestly, though, Ivan wouldn't blame Till for throwing away all the gifts as they were handed to him.

He would have done so if it was the other way around.

“So, since you're having lunch, would you mind if I joined you?”

By this point, Ivan's smile had transformed into his usual nonchalant grin.

"I need to go with the nurse for a check-up first. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'll try to join you soon."

Having told such a blatant lie with such charm, the girl seemed satisfied with Ivan's response. She nodded softly and continued on her way. Thinking she would probably get the chance to have lunch with Ivan after all, she hummed happily as she walked off.

But that was never going to happen, as Ivan was now debating whether he was hungry enough to put himself through the incessant show and attention he would get if he went to the cafeteria.

He didn't mind dealing with people on his own. But he couldn't handle having to put on a smile and laugh at the rudeness of those who openly insulted Till right in front of him.

If anything was directed at him, whether criticism or insults, he could handle anything. His facade wasn't perfect; he knew not everyone liked his chosen personality. But when it came to people hating Till — who was always true, honest and pure — he felt like his mask could crack at any moment if he wasn't careful.

Sighing deeply, he decided to take a detour to the cafeteria. He was taking it slow, which might buy him some time to think of an excuse not to hang out with that girl once he arrived.

Luckily, he would meet some of his teammates, who, given his absence at the last training sessions, would be all over him, asking about his recovery. That would be his perfect excuse to sneak away and catch up on the preparations for the match.

Or maybe he would find Luna. It wasn't his preferred choice, but he'd rather be busy organising the party over lunch than spending time with any other girl who was just trying to get into his pants.

It must have been a difficult morning for him… 

Glancing down at his foot, he thought about how much Till disliked this type of exchange. The thought that Till had to go through the double-edged spotlight again because of him made him feel uneasy.

It wasn't because he thought Till wasn't strong enough to cope with it temporarily. Rather, it was because he knew he was no match for the long game. That had already been proven.

Till had a bad reputation because every time he spotted a hypocrite, he would not play along, but call them out instead. This resulted in him building up a bad reputation, all because the bigger the hypocrisy, the bigger the group of people surrounding them. This always resulted in Till being isolated for his 'rebellious' and 'disrespectful' behaviour, when in reality his only 'sin' was seeing through their lies.

As for Ivan, he really disliked disrespectful people, which is why he knew Till wasn't one of them.

He was harsh, blunt and had a stingy way with words– that he couldn't deny. 

But he never meant any harm to others. Not even to himself, even though Ivan liked to press all his buttons.

He didn't need to look too far back in time: about an hour ago, he accidentally bit his lip due to Till's rough movements. The first thing he did was apologise and check on his well-being.

Till never did anything to hurt someone on purpose. Or attack first.

So why did everyone hate him?

Which, on reflection… Did he deserve Till at all?

He was a hypocrite, too. He lied and said things he knew might hurt people in the long run. He used a double-edged sword with his public facade, lying to everyone, but mostly to himself.

He didn't hate Till. He could never do that. But he wouldn't blame Till if he hated him. Ivan knew Till could see through his act. Then again, why did Till stick around?

Maybe Till didn't want to do so. Maybe he had manipulated Till enough, just like everyone else, to make him fall into his trap and force him to stay with him.

Spiralling into more and more questions that he wouldn't be able to figure out on his own, Ivan spotted a familiar teal head in the distance amongst the lockers.

It disgusted him how relieved he felt after seeing Till, even from a distance. It was as if seeing him brought him selfish peace of mind. Whenever Till brightened his dark eyes, he felt a sense of relief, despite the discomfort he felt.

However, he was not alone. He could see him in the distance, taking his art supplies out of his locker. But he seemed to be talking to someone else, scowling. Ivan hesitated before approaching, as he felt that, given his recent exchange with that random , going to him now would only make matters worse. But when the face he would rather not see again appeared behind the lockers as Till closed the door a little too forcefully, Ivan froze on the spot.

“I told you, I don’t care what you think! What I say is the truth!” Till's protest was loud enough for Ivan to hear it from the other side of the hallway.

Almost as if on cue, the girl spotted Ivan in the distance.

"Like hell I’m trusting a jerk like you! You’re a liar! You never gave me any reason to trust you. Or have you forgotten what you did at high school?”

The girl walked past Till, which made the man sigh with relief that she was finally giving up. But when his teal eyes spotted Ivan, too, he dreaded that history was going to repeat itself.

Ivan’s fan club was usually harmless. That is, if you were part of it and agreed with the delusional ‘rights’ they believed they held over Ivan. However, if you were a certain teal-haired man, it seemed like her president wouldn't like you as much.

“Ivan! This punk has done it again! He's eating the gifts the girls prepared for you!" The girl protested as soon as she arrived at Ivan's side. Her pouty, cute act irritated him, but he simply glanced down at her with a frozen smile.

Till just scoffed and stood by his locker. He was clearly distressed, and it seemed as though he had some chocolate smeared on the corner of his lip from the box Ivan had given him. Then his beautiful, clear eyes focused on Ivan's. He was acutely aware of the significance of that expression. He was waiting to see what Ivan would do or say.

Would he defend the truth? Or would he tell a half-truth to keep the girl happy too?

It's like fate was having a laugh, putting them in the same situation with the same person again and again. Last time, Ivan chose to be honest, and it ended badly. But the situation wasn't exactly the same this time.

"Hello to you too. I hope you're having a nice day." Ivan decided to greet her sarcastically, but she didn't understand and simply felt embarrassed by being called out for her rudeness.

“Oh-oh… y-yeah… I mean… Sorry.. Hello, Ivan.” She timidly bowed her head, and Ivan widened his fake smile.

“So, what is it you wanted to let me know?” Offering the girl a chance at redemption, Ivan asked calmly while gripping the crutch tightly to anchor himself to his rational self.

“That troublemaker is at it again! He's eating the chocolates the girls gave you!” 

No change, OK. Ivan sighed softly and looked over at Till, who slowly made his way over to catch the end of the conversation, but still kept his distance.

"Hmm? You mean Till is eating some of the chocolates that were given to him to give to me?" Ivan spoke slowly, trying to soften the girl's words a little and twist them around.

“Uh, yeah!” She nodded, still frowning. “He keeps lying, saying you gave them to him. It's not fair! You know, the girls in the fan club all wanted you to enjoy what they bought for you!”

“Hmm… I see. I understand that you might be a little disappointed, but calling him a liar is a bit much, don't you think?”

Ivan was trying really hard not to snap at her. He was doing his best to stay calm while resolving the situation. He hated being put in situations where he had to take sides. Even more so when it came to siding with or against Till.

“Oh, come on! He did it once; of course he could do it twice!”

"The first time was a misunderstanding, and I believe this time is too." Ivan glanced down at the girl with a cold stare. His eyes were fixed on her, wearing that fake soft expression of his. Deep down, he just wanted to scream at her for misunderstanding Till twice.

Back in high school, the same girl wanted to give Ivan some chocolates for Valentine's Day, but he was unapproachable at the time. So instead, she asked the guy he always went home with if he could give them to Ivan. Till would have complied, despite already having been bothered all day by similar requests. However, he was so fed up with everyone at that point that he did what he always did and avoided them by wearing his headphones. He didn't really catch the girl's words, though. He thought the chocolates were for him and, even though he was a little confused, he happily decided to eat them.

After that, chaos unfolded. The girl was angry when she saw Till enjoying the product of her hard work and the homemade sweets she had made with all her love for Ivan. She caused a scene, leaving a confused Till not knowing where to start with his apology. The other girls, who had received his scoffs and frowns all day, concluded that he was doing it on purpose out of jealousy for Ivan. Gossip spread quickly around the school and there was no way to change everyone's opinion.

Ivan, unaware of all this, made matters worse by confirming that he hadn't received some of the girls' chocolates. They immediately thought it was because Till had thrown them away. In fact, it was because Ivan was busy avoiding Till in order to hide the chocolates he had prepared for him. He was rehearsing how he would give them to Till and confess his feelings to him when they celebrated Ivan's birthday at his house.

This simple mistake evolved uncontrollably into an even bigger mess, resulting in them not engaging publicly until the end of high school and starting college. Ivan also had to abandon his plan to confess to Till, fearing that bringing him more chocolates after the incident would provoke in Till another panic attack. This made Ivan believe that it was best to avoid reminding Till of the chocolates altogether.

At the end, he gave up the idea of confessing and decided to go along with the notion to keep Till at a distance so he wouldn't get caught up in more drama.

However, that morning, he didn't really think about it when he gave Till the chocolates. Till had asked for them too, so he thought everything was fine.

But it seemed as if fate was playing a prank by messing things up when everything was going well.

"Ivan, you don't need to defend him any further. Everyone knows he's a jerk and has been jealous of you since high school. That's why he's a loser with no friends! He doesn't deserve your kindness!” The girl's words brought Ivan back to reality.

He really had to grip the crutch tightly, otherwise he would have raised his hand to her.

“I gave him the chocolates. There were too many for me, and he deserved payment for carrying them all the way to my room." Tired of sugar-coating his words, Ivan changed his tone abruptly, adopting a firm, serious demeanour despite the slight smile on his lips. “And you do trust my word, right?”

The girl pressed her lips together as if they were being forced shut, as she couldn't think of anything to complain about for the first time in the conversation.

"Also... isn't it childish to hold a grudge against someone who has already apologised for a small mistake? I believe we're not kids anymore.” Ivan chuckled softly, masking his harsh words behind his charming laugh.

The girl fidgeted nervously, and he could clearly see her face reddening with embarrassment at being called out. In an attempt to make it up to her so that she wouldn't feel attacked — despite Ivan wanting her to believe it deep down — he placed his hand on her head and patted it gently.

"Don't worry. Everyone's good wishes and feelings arrived safely with me this time.”

Having watched the whole scene unfold from close up, Till clutched onto his sketchbook and looked away. Otherwise, he would have caused another scene after being forced to witness a girl who was in the wrong being comforted instead of him, who had been wronged unjustly.

But when he locked eyes with Ivan, he could read his expression. Behind Ivan's mask, Till noticed details like the way his knuckles turned white from gripping the crutch so tightly, and how his sarcasm didn't go unnoticed.

Despite his act, Till wanted to believe that he was just trying to avoid confrontation instead of reigniting the fire. And it was probably for the best.

After Ivan's hand left the girl's head, Till walked closer to them and handed Ivan the box of sweets.

"I just took one, so if it sits better with you, I'll give it back and Ivan can have the rest." Speaking slowly, as if trying to mimic the way Ivan seemed to coddle the girl, Till pressed the heart-shaped box of chocolates onto Ivan's chest.

The girl's eyes locked on to the box as it was handed back to Ivan, overlooking the fact that Ivan's fingers had naturally come over Till's as soon as the box was pushed onto him.

“...Okay. Sorry for overreacting.”

Till brushed it off nonchalantly and the girl walked away, too embarrassed to continue the conversation.

As soon as they were alone in the hallway again, Ivan glanced back at Till, who was holding the chocolates.

"This is all my fault. I shouldn't have–"

“You said it,” Till interrupted him. Ivan tilted his head. “We're not kids anymore. I won't lose sleep over a misunderstanding with someone whose opinion I don't care about.”

Ivan's smile softened. Almost proudly, in fact.

“So,” Till continued and a pout appeared on his lips. “... Thanks for interfering. At least this way, she won't cause me any more problems.”

Shyly, Till scratched the back of his head and glanced away. The tips of his ears turned slightly red.

Ivan smirked as he grabbed the chocolate box with the hand that was holding the crutch. Having now freed one of his hands, he licked his thumb and gently wiped the smear of chocolate off the corner of Till's lips.

“I’d do anything for you.”

Till's face turned even redder at the wet sensation of Ivan's saliva close to his lips. He felt tempted to lick his lips. In fact, he did so unconsciously while covering his mouth with his hand, as if he was wiping the sensation away, when in fact he was relishing it.

And those words? Oh, those words.

"Anything?" he asked back, his voice huskier than he expected. He almost purred the question, somehow unconsciously sounding needy.

This made Ivan gulp slowly.

“Yeah, anything.”

Till's eyes moved back to Ivan's. They roamed down his lips, jawline and collar until finally settling on the button of his jeans, before abruptly looking up and away.

Just one look was enough to make Ivan shiver. He didn't have to wonder where Till's thoughts were heading.

However, when he tried to tease him about it, his stomach grumbled loudly, causing him to stop with his mouth half open, his eyes wide and a goofy expression on his face. This made Till blink repeatedly before he laughed out loud.

"I think you should go and have some lunch first." Chuckling, Till patted Ivan on the shoulder. "Afterwards, you can think about... what did you call it? Ah yeah… dessert."

Being teased when he was about to do just that was not in his plans. Despite it being unexpected, however, it didn't stop the soft chuckle that escaped his lips.

Till took this distraction to his advantage and disappeared down the hallway in the opposite direction, leaving behind a hungry Ivan.

But he wouldn't be able to satisfy that particular hunger by just going to the cafeteria.

…

Till dropped his things on the grass, spread his legs on the green and covered his face with both hands, muffling the scream that escaped from his chest.

His heart was hammering like crazy and his face was so hot that he could almost burn his hands by pressing them onto his cheeks for too long.

He should probably be angry and bothered by the fact that a certain girl had rudely taken off his headphones while he was minding his own business, just to start insulting him. Or consider that he almost got himself caught up in another major scandal. And maybe worry about how messy his life had become in a matter of hours after getting involved with a certain someone.

But of course, he was more preoccupied with thinking about how to get closer to him than worrying about the consequences.

If he had a hard time focusing on anything other than the smell test in the laundry room earlier, the sensory experience now completely overwhelmed him.

The way Ivan nonchalantly wiped his lip clean with a quick, soft brush of his thumb, the lingering saliva on the corner of his lips, and the eager tone of his words had completely entranced Till, leaving him unable to process anything but Ivan.

He wanted those hands all over him again. He needed them. Ivan's hands, lips, or even…

No, no, no, no! Till, take it slow! S-l-o-w. Communication goes first. You can't just–.

He frantically ruffled his hair, making it even messier, and picked up his pencil and sketchbook, attempting to distract himself by drawing something.

He reached the last page. He saw his Ivan's doodles.

It was then that he realised he was doomed: he was already too desperate for Ivan, there was no turning back.

Letting out a deep sigh, Till curled up into a ball, resting his face on the page covered in his doodles of Ivan from the other day.

"I fucking need him so badly..." he mumbled softly under his breath, before lifting his face from the sketchbook and looking up at the dark geranium in front of him. “... Do you think I'll ever get a chance?”

His fingers brushed gently against the flower's petals. He felt a deep attachment to that particular flower, and as he slowly touched its petals, he realised why. Its colours were like the eyes he loved to get lost in.

The evening lessons were a bit easier than the morning ones. Since Ivan attended his own lessons, people went to pester him instead of bothering Till to run errands for them. Nevertheless, some people still continued to gossip and whisper whenever he walked past. This time, however, he had his headphones with him, so it was easier to ignore them.

By the time his final lesson had ended, he had decided to drop by the dorms one last time to check on Ivan's ankle before going home for the night. He also wanted to return the cleaned sheets to the room and make Ivan's bed ready for the night, as he had forgotten to do so earlier. But that was just his excuse in case Ivan asked. Honestly, he just wanted to see Ivan again before leaving.

What he didn't expect was to find Ivan lying like a starfish on his bed with no shirt on, just loose sweatpants, and wet hair, probably from a recent shower.

All his efforts to calm down had been in vain thanks to such a mundane, simple sight.

“Tough day?” He tried to play it cool, breaking the ice with a joke. He walked as if he didn't care about the sight, heading straight for Ivan's bed to make it.

Ivan simply opened one eye and glanced at Till, looking almost surprised to see him there. Raising one eyebrow, he silently inquired, but he didn't seem displeased by his presence either.

“I was just going to put the clean sheets back on. Don't worry, you can use that bed tonight if you want; I'm going home as usual.”

Ivan almost groaned in protest at Till's words. Just not loudly enough for Till to interpret it that way. To him, it sounded more like a soft, tired groan than a disappointed one.

“How was the rest of your day?” Ivan asked in a low whisper, still glancing at Till with only one eye open. He had one arm over his forehead and the other resting on his stomach.

“Bearable.” Till shrugged as he pulled the sheets tight. He looked over his shoulder from time to time to catch a glimpse of Ivan, but not for too long, otherwise he would lose focus completely.

“Did anyone else bother you?”

Till pressed his lips together. Was he asking out of guilt, or because he genuinely cared if someone was talking about him in a negative way?

“Not really. I could hear whispers everywhere I went, but nothing like what you saw in the hallway with the chocolates.”

“Guess you must hate chocolates now…” Ivan joked softly, and Till couldn't help but snort softly as he patted the pillow.

"Nah, I would have eaten them all in front of her if you hadn't shown up." Joking too, Till turned around and went to check on Ivan's ankle. He tried his best not to let his eyes wander any further up. “Your ankle?”

“Fine. It doesn't bother me as much anymore. It's still a bit painful, but I think I can manage.” Ivan spoke slowly, his eyes following every little flinch of Till's fingertips.

“Good. That means it really isn't that bad. Make sure to keep the rest.”

“Yes, nurse.”

Till rolled his eyes and walked past Ivan, a soft smile on his lips. Just as he was about to pass him without looking down, Ivan suddenly grabbed his wrist, forcing him to stop in his tracks and look at him.

His heart almost dropped out of his chest as he found himself staring into Ivan's deep, dark eyes through his long lashes.

“What...?” He tried not to stutter.

But when Ivan pulled his arm down, making him drop onto the bed, he almost stumbled right on top of Ivan.

What was wrong with Ivan, always pulling him onto the bed like this!?

“W-what are you–!?” In the middle of starting a new protest, he suddenly felt something enter his mouth, and a soft, sweet taste flooded his tongue.

Ivan had shoved a chocolate into his mouth, his fingers brushing slightly against his tongue as he retreated.

Blushing furiously, Till immediately closed his mouth to chew the chocolate, covering half his face with his hand and frowning at Ivan, who was smiling. His half-lidded dark eyes were drifting Till slowly into madness.

“Here's your reward. You didn't get to enjoy it before, so I'm giving it to you before you go.”

Groaning slightly and trying to regain his composure, Till complained in a pouty voice. “You didn't have to shove it into my mouth. You could have handed it back like a normal person.”

Ivan chuckled softly. “Hmm… I recall someone telling me to expect a certain dessert though...” 

Till cleared his throat, feeling called out. He cursed internally for his brief display of assertiveness. Then Ivan held out another small chocolate between his fingers, as if expecting Till to let him feed it to him again.

This was confirmed when Till tried to reach out and grab it, but Ivan moved his hand away.

“Nu-uh. If you eat it yourself, there'll be more misunderstandings. It's better if I feed them to you directly. Don't you think?” He joked.

“No one's here, idiot.”

“And? Do you dislike the idea that much?” Raising an eyebrow, Ivan played with the melting chocolate between his fingers again.

Till really did want to resist the temptation and not fall for it. But, given his recent thoughts and events, not to mention the fact that Ivan was purposely displaying himself for him, he was unable to see ahead.

So, he leaned over as if the challenge would personally hurt his ego. In order to catch the chocolate, he had to open his mouth slightly and stick out his tongue. As soon as Ivan put the chocolate in his mouth, Till noticed the small amount of melted chocolate left on his fingertips and unconsciously licked them clean.

At first, he could see that Ivan had flinched at the unexpected move. But he soon returned to his usual wide, playful smirk.

“It looks like you really are okay… I'm glad.” The sudden gentleness of Ivan's tone surprised Till. He was even more surprised when Ivan nuzzled his shoulder and looked at the wall behind them.

Till swallowed slowly and stood there, frozen to the spot. Uncertain of what to do, he simply didn't do anything at all. Instead, he tried to take the chance to calm his racing heart.

“Till.” When Ivan whispered his name so close to his ear, Till almost let out a soft whimper as he turned his head slightly.

Error. Now he was too close to those eyes. Ivan's red pupils almost reflected his own. Those eyes that incessantly scrutinised his face.

Ivan chuckled lightly. “Why do you always make a mess when you eat sweets?” That husky whisper sent shivers down Till's spine. Before he could react, he saw Ivan lean in.

It all happened fast, but to Till it felt incredibly slow. At first, Ivan leaned in with his mouth open, his tongue peeking out slightly as if he was going to lick the chocolate off his lower lip. Then he changed his mind, brought his thumb to his tongue once again, and brushed it alongside Till's parted lips.

Such a gesture caused a soft, involuntary gasp to escape Till's lips. This made Ivan bite his own lip, trying to hold on. He glanced at his chocolate-stained thumb, then back at Till. He had two options: to lick it off himself or to offer Till the chance to lick it off again. Which would give him the sweetest reaction?

Ivan didn't have to think about it too much. Till reached out on his own. Grabbing Ivan's hand by the wrist, he leaned in and timidly licked the chocolate off his thumb. This made Ivan's eyes widen in confusion and his heart almost rush out of his chest.

“The chocolate was mine…right?” Ivan could tell that Till was trying to take control of the situation. But he was also aware of how hot his body was getting by the minute, how his breathing was becoming more laboured, and how red his face was, up to the tips of his pierced ears.

So cute.

“Yes. All yours.” Ivan rolled the words around on his tongue, purposely feasting on the goosebumps his breath caused on Till's skin.

Till knew that he was already deeply involved in the game that he had tried so hard to avoid. But if he was presented with such a delightful choice, why would he resist it? He liked Ivan. He wanted him. In fact, he needed him. However, the rational part of his mind was screaming at him to stop while he was still dressed.

"I'll leave now that I've received my reward then." he said. He tried to get up quickly, but Ivan wouldn't let him.

Ivan wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned onto his shoulder from behind, just like before. His wet hair tickled the hot skin of Till's neck.

“Is the sight not up to your standards anymore?” Ivan asked in a soft, sad tone.

Till raised his eyebrows slightly. “What does that even mean?”

“Is it because my clothes are still on? I can take them off if you want.”

“No!” Till rushed in to stop him from going any further. “Don’t take them off–.Just– Ugh.”He struggled to find the words.

“Let me compensate you for all the trouble you've gone through today, OK?”

The offer was tempting. Yet it didn't sound like teasing; it sounded more like a plea.

In a strange way, Ivan was showing his guilt for having dragged Till into this kind of situation once again. He offered Till his only chance at forgiveness by giving him the one thing he thought he could ever offer.

Till swallowed slowly; he heard Ivan's words, but did not fully comprehend their truth. Only on a surface level. Till simply thought that Ivan was trying to compensate for the repeated traumatic experience. Perhaps he was trying to make Till associate sweets with something more pleasant, rather than awakening a hidden trauma.

That's why, even though his rational mind was screaming at him to say no, Till couldn't hold on any longer.

"I guess... I can have something more rewarding." he whispered timidly.

Once Till gave him the green light, the first thing Ivan did was pull him closer. He put one hand around Till's waist from behind and the other closer to his chest. Till was now practically sitting between Ivan's legs on the bed.

The next thing Ivan did was pull down the collar of Till's T-shirt, exposing his neck for Ivan to kiss. His lips softly left a trail from behind Till's reddening ears down to the crook of his neck. Ivan's eyes didn't miss the red mark that had been covered by the cloth all day.

This oddly intimate position made Till feel completely vulnerable. Being hugged from behind gave Ivan control and a clear view of Till's entire body. Meanwhile, Till couldn't see anything but Ivan's feet in front of him. He enjoyed seeing Ivan's expressions while he touched him, so it sucked. But at the same time, it felt oddly exciting to be so helpless. He could still feel Ivan's whole body heating up against his back.

Ears, neck, shoulders. No part of his body was safe from Ivan's soft kisses. Ivan really did keep it light. There was no biting or hard sucking of his skin. This made Till a little disappointed at the lack of intensity, but he still found himself enjoying such tender care.

Slowly, Ivan's hand found its way under Till's T-shirt. It wasn't difficult, since the shirt was loose enough for him to easily slip his hand through the sleeve holes to caress his chest. And that's exactly what he did.

While one hand explored Till's slender chest, the other travelled down his waist towards his hips. Till tensed up immediately as Ivan effortlessly unbuttoned his jeans. But a moan drowned his rising protest as Ivan softly rubbed one of his nipples, sending an unexpectedly pleasing tickling sensation through him.

"Am I doing a good job? You're getting hard so quickly...” Ivan whispered teasingly into his ear, making Till whimper in response as he averted his gaze in shame.

He would never confess that he had been half hard all day.

Licking Till's earlobe, Ivan continued to stimulate one of his nipples while sliding his other hand down his legs, easily removing his jeans.

Till was surprised at how easily he had been subdued. He was also surprised at how effortlessly Ivan manhandled him, removing his jeans as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

However, where Ivan's hand went next made Till feel more tense than usual. Ivan lifted him slightly to pull down his jeans, but kept him up and settled his hand over one of his glutes.

At first, Ivan just touched Till's body a little bit to see what it felt like. But when he found an area that was softer than expected, he glanced down as he rolled Till onto his side a little.

“I never knew you were so caked up… since you always wear baggy clothes…” his fingers didn't leave Till's soft ass cheek as he continued to softly play with it as if it was a stress-relieving ball.

“S-shuddup.” Till complained, embarrassed.

Ivan simply chuckled and whispered in his ear. "Sorry." Afterwards, he slowly traced the contours of his ear with his tongue.

Till couldn't stop the soft gasps and moans that escaped his mouth at Ivan's touch. It was all too much; too many places that had never been touched before were being stimulated in unexpected ways. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, just overwhelming.

When Till's nipple hardened, Ivan slid his hand further into his T-shirt to touch the other one. He continued to alternate between them both, not letting either one go soft for too long.

His tongue continued to playfully caress, trace and leave a trail of saliva around his ears and neck. And, this was the one thing Till thought he was holding on to worst: Ivan's fingers had continued to squeeze and press into his bottom from underneath the hem of his boxers.

It was just foreplay, but if Ivan kept pressing it any further, he could easily cum. He was ashamed at how easily the other man could get him to such a state while he could only sit and endure it.

Fortunately for him, Ivan wasn't planning on letting him. Not because the idea bothered him, but because he wanted to do so much more as long as Till allowed it.

Ivan's eyes noticed every flinch of Till's fingers, every squirm of his legs and every curl of his toes. He noticed the way his hips buckled involuntarily and how he struggled to keep his mouth closed. He noticed how he tensed his jaw every time his lips got closer to his ear and how he couldn't contain the goosebumps when his tongue traced his skin.

Obviously, he couldn't simply sit calmly through it all. Till noticed, too. Or rather, he felt it pressed hard against his lower back.

“I-Ivan…? Are you–?”

Before Till could finish his sentence, Ivan flipped him onto the bed. He forced Till's head onto the pillow and shifted their positions. Ivan kept his hand over Till's chest, preventing him from moving his lower half, and forced his hips up.

“How disgusting do you want it to be?” Ivan's husky whisper took Till by surprise, leaving him confused by the phrasing of his words.

But as soon as he felt Ivan tug at his boxers, his body immediately tensed.

“Ivan, you can't–!” Till desperately tried to glance back and lift his body, but Ivan pushed him down a bit more in response. He kept Till in place, but not completely restrained. If Till wanted to push him off, Ivan still gave him the space to do so. But he never did.

“Don't worry. I'm not going to do that. This is all about rewarding you, Till.” 

Swallowing with difficulty, Till tried to compose himself and work out what was going to happen next. Until Ivan's next husky whisper arrived.

"Tongue or fingers? What would you prefer me to use this time?"

Ivan's fingers made their way slowly down Till's waist to his hip. Lifting the hem of his boxers, he slid his hands down to Till's buttocks. It was then that Till realised what Ivan was asking. Logically, it would probably look disgusting. But at that moment, Till would simply take whatever came his way.

“I-I don't know…you choose.” Hiding his face in the pillow, Till mumbled under his breath.

Ivan, on the other hand, didn't need to be invited twice. Sliding off the boxers that were in his way, he started kissing Till's skin, moving down from his neck to his spine and rear. He settled one hand on the side of Till's hip and used the other to wipe some of Till's sperm off his hard, needy cock. All the while, Ivan fought the urge to bite those sweet cheeks while making his way between them.

Now, neither of them could see the other's reaction to what was happening. But maybe that was for the best. Till could only focus on the sensations while Ivan tried really hard not to take the opportunity to thrust deep inside Till — and, well, he could relax his own expressions too.

At first, Till tensed when he felt Ivan spread his cheeks apart with both thumbs. He was going to protest, even tell him to stop, as he had second thoughts. But when he felt Ivan's tongue slowly slide in, he moaned so loudly that he surprised himself.

Satisfied, Ivan continued to tease Till with his tongue. Sometimes he went lower, tasting the area between Till's cock and his ass. This elicited even sweeter reactions from Till, which made Ivan's own caged dick throb with need. However, he pushed his own desires aside and started stroking Till with one hand while continuing to eat his ass as though he was being paid for it.

Teal eyes rolled back and his mouth hung open, drooling onto the sheets. This was Till's situation at the moment; he was unable to express himself in any way other than soft whines and moans, which he desperately tried to muffle into the pillow while clutching onto it as if it were a lifesaver in the middle of a roaring sea.

He was almost disgusted with himself for enjoying something like this. He couldn't tell whether Ivan was incredibly good at it or if the new sensations were playing tricks on his already clouded brain.

Ivan continued to run his tongue along Till's sensitive flesh while clasping his hand tighter around his dick. He could feel it twitching slightly under his steady pace and, noticing how wobbly Till's legs were, he knew he was closer than ever. That's why he secured Till's hips with his free hand. He pressed onto his buttock even harder, so hard that it might leave a mark afterwards. Since Till didn't complain, he continued to do so. His tongue roamed around the area some more before he felt Till spill onto his hand. He slowed down slightly, but didn't stop.

Till's body wanted to give in and flop his hips back onto the bed. However, since Ivan was holding him firmly, he couldn't. He was also confused by the gentle stroking that continued, and he lifted his face, struggling to keep his eyes open as he tried to see what Ivan was planning to do next.

When he thought he saw Ivan reach down for his own pants, everything finally stopped. Ivan retreated, slowly taking his hand off Till's bottom, turning his face away and stopping his fingers from digging into his soft flesh.

Letting his body finally rest on the mattress, Till glanced back at Ivan, almost disappointed that he had stopped.

“I-Ivan…?” He managed to get the other's name out between short breaths.

Ivan immediately locked eyes with Till. He seemed out of it. His eyes were dark as night, his jawline was tense, and his body was completely still, like a predator ready to pounce on its prey. This turned Till on even more.

But it only lasted a few seconds as Ivan registered his thoughts and came back to reality. His eyes lit up with that reddish hue once again. He smiled at Till.

"When you can feel your legs again, you can have a shower before going home."

“Huh…?”

Till was confused at first by how Ivan had dismissed everything as soon as he had finished. It made him feel a bit weird, and he wasn't sure why.

Disappointed, bothered, but mostly ashamed.

“Y-yeah…sure.”

Slowly lifting his body and crawling out of bed in his T-shirt, with semen rolling down his stomach, and feeling how his bottom was a bit too wet and strange, Till hurried into the bathroom under Ivan's intense gaze.

He stopped by the door, though, and turned around.

“Ivan.”

The dark-haired man sprang up, visibly tense, and cracks appeared in his nonchalant facade.

“Don't you want me too…?” Till's eyes moved down to Ivan, who immediately shifted his position so his erection wasn't as visible.

“I can manage. You should go home before it gets too late.”

Uncertain but not wanting to press further, Till disappeared into the bathroom. Ivan immediately panicked.

That was a close one.

Glancing down at himself, Ivan noticed how his hard dick had caused his pants to pucker up. Then he looked at his hands, one of which was still covered in some of Till's semen. Finally, he looked down at the spot where Till's warmth was still present.

Once he heard the shower running, he flopped face down onto the sheets, inhaling Till's scent as he shoved his sticky hand into his pants.

Hard and fast... so that he doesn't pity me once again and can finally go home.

Chapter Text

Things were definitely getting out of hand now. Till was unsure how to handle it all, his emotions and actions warring with each other, making his mind a complete mess.

He wanted to go all the way with Ivan, but at the same time, his heart screamed for some kind of resolution before taking things that far.

Given his recent reactions and responses, he knew that all it would take for him to give in was for Ivan to touch him again.

The cold shower water helped relax his tense, excited muscles and washed away the traces of Ivan's heated touch from his skin. He was relieved to be able to calm down, but disappointed to have to wash himself at all.

He dropped his head onto the tiles, closed his eyes, and tried to calm down and stop thinking about it.

Once Till had left the bathroom, Ivan entered almost hurriedly, waving him goodbye as if nothing obscene had been going on between them just minutes ago. This was like the last drop of cold water for Till, who finally walked out of the room and off campus.

The night breeze cooled his body and gave his rational mind the upper hand over his lustful desires, but it did nothing to make him feel better.

You're spiralling again. Stop. We need to talk, and that's all…

Cursing his lack of self-control and shame, he planned a way to prevent such incidents from happening again: he would avoid Ivan until he came up with a better idea.

OK, he knew it wasn't the best option, let alone a solution. But he just needed some time. Or so he thought.

Keeping his distance from Ivan shouldn't be hard. They didn't have any classes together, and most of the time Ivan had lunch with his teammates or someone who insisted enough. If he added to that the fact that he barely slept on campus, avoiding him for a few days would be an easy task. At least until he managed to control his hormones around Ivan.

But he was underestimating his luck — or rather, the uncontrollable effect Ivan already had on his senses and life. Not to mention his insistence and innate ability to completely mess up his plans.

…

It was already Friday. The week had passed in a flurry of unexpected events. Ivan never thought he would get the chance to get that close to Till in just four days.

On Monday night, he got to jerk him off. On Tuesday, Till returned the favour. Wednesday was a bit messy, but it was made to turn out for the best on Thursday. Thursday was probably the highest-risk day of all: in the early morning, Ivan got to suck Till off. Later, they talked about caring for and worrying about each other. And they almost ended up fucking by the evening. He really wasn't good at pacing things, but he had held on for so long that he was too desperate to stop and take a breather at this point. Till, who was allowing him to do so, was not helping him to keep up with the task.

Now, he was scared and excited at the same time about what Friday would bring. Should he actually ask Till to stay over the weekend? Or would that be too risky, and would he take things too far?

But, given the way Till had submissively given himself to him the previous evening, he had a hunch — and a hope — that Till was almost as eager as he was to go all in.

Groaning slightly, he rubbed his hands over his face to wipe away the grogginess, then sat up in bed. He glanced at the messy sheets of Till's unmade bed; he had almost eaten him out of pure instinct yesterday. Had he not found the strength to contain himself after remembering that Till had explicitly told him not to go that far, he would not have been able to stop himself from taking it further.

It was dangerous and he was pushing his luck.

But he was not good at managing the thrill of the hunt.

I need to find a way to get closer to him without wanting to drive him over the edge...

But how was he supposed to do that? If he tried to put on his usual public display with Till, the other would only get angry with him for being fake. Rage-baiting him for attention was also out of the question, since all the ways he could think of to do so now implied sexual innuendo.

And to be honest, given the recent events he had drawn Till into, the last thing he wanted was to make him feel bad or insulted.

Sighing deeply, he ruffled his hair. Things would be easier if they hadn't opened up a little bit. He could have acted as annoyingly as ever instead of hoping that talking to him normally would work. He wanted to do that, but he was scared of letting too many of his actual feelings slip through. Things were good so far, but he really didn't want to push his luck just because he was selfish enough to want Till to like him.

Would things have ended up this way if Mizi hadn't told him that she had been searching for him all Wednesday?

He had to talk to her to avoid any more of her slip-ups.

…

Till was right. Avoiding Ivan wasn't as difficult as it seemed. They still sometimes walked past each other in the hallway, but they just politely waved at each other, as Ivan was always surrounded by people who demanded his attention. Although a part of Till was bothered by it, he thought it was for the best, at least for now, until he managed to control himself around Ivan.

Having woken up full of determination to do things right this time, Till sent Mizi a text that morning. He asked if they could meet at lunchtime to talk, and she said that she and Sua would be happy to do so –although he was unsure how comfortable Sua would be with that.

But that was OK. They were his only other friends, and they were a couple too. They were his only chance to get the advice he needed. He wouldn't explain everything thoroughly or specify certain details to them, though. But at least letting them know and asking them how to get his feelings across despite his fear of rejection should work.

After all, they had once been best friends, too. They had their problems at high school, and somehow worked through them. Now they were as close as ever, if not closer.

They were girlfriends and best friends. It worked for them. So they could definitely help him make it work with Ivan, couldn't they?

Till calmed his racing heart and walked into the cafeteria, searching for the girls. He found a cold-eyed, black-haired girl sitting by an empty table and sighed as he approached her.

"Hi, Sua... Is Mizi not here yet?" He asked in a somewhat timid tone, sitting down across from her at the table.

Her purple, sharp eyes lifted from her phone screen to reveal a cold stare directed at him.

“Do you see her here? Obviously not, dumbass.” 

Till laughed nervously. He always felt awkward around Sua. She was cold and harsh, and she definitely didn't like him. Or any other guy, for that matter.

As far as he knew, she only acted sweetly towards Mizi; no one else seemed to deserve her soft voice or smiles.

Despite all that, she was a really popular girl. She was known as the Ice Princess –that's what all her simps called her.

But she was also one of his friends, wasn't she? She was a bit weird because, despite openly hating him, she still let him around. But perhaps that was just because Mizi had told her to. 

She scrolled down her phone for a while. She absent-mindedly played with her fork, rolling some meatballs around the plate, trying to pass the time. She wasn't completely uncomfortable; she just would have preferred to be spending her time with her beloved Mizi.

Letting out a scoff, she suddenly put out her phone, glanced at Till and scowled. The poor boy stiffened in his seat and stopped eating immediately, swallowing the food in his mouth as he awaited Sua's words.

"She's not coming. Something really annoying has held her up. Now I'm stuck with you for the rest of my lunch.” She rested her chin on her hand and looked away.

“Oh...” Till awkwardly glanced down.

There was a long silence. During this time, Sua simply continued to frown and ignore Till, who was unable to continue eating due to the awkwardness creeping up his spine.

After a notification came through, Sua's phone screen lit up. She sighed deeply afterwards.

"Mizi said you wanted to talk or something... what's it?'" the cold tone of Sua's words made Till regret coming in the first place.

“Ah… it's nothing, I should just go–.”

Sua snorted. "Listen, Till. I don't want to be stuck here with you; that much is clear. But Mizi wanted to help you with whatever you asked her to do. Since she can't, she wants me to do it instead.”

Till lifted his teal gaze, looking a little timid. “Are you sure…?”

"It bothers me, but it won't hurt to try to help. I can't promise I'll be nice about it, though." Sua pressed her cheek onto her palm and waved her other hand dismissively. "So go on. What is it? Let's get it over with quickly.”

Till fidgeted with his fingers under the table and glanced down at his plate. If he had planned to be brief earlier, now, with Sua being the only person listening, he was going to be even more so.

“Well… I like someone and–.” Sua gave him a death stare. “It's not Mizi.” Till rolled his eyes, and Sua relaxed her brows.

“Proceed.”

“I don't know how to tell them.”

“That's it?”

“... yeah?”

She facepalmed. “Tell them.”

“It's not that easy–.”

“Why not? You can talk and they can listen, can't they? If not, write it down. Illiterate? Just sign it or something.” Sua rolled her eyes as she spoke harshly. “That's literally it. There's no other way. Unless you're asking me how to get rid of your feelings — that's impossible. Maybe ripping your heart out...”

Till ruffled his hair and kept his gaze down on his plate. Seeing that he was clearly distressed, Sua sighed softly and tried to tone it down a bit.

“There's something else, isn't ?”

Till slowly lifted his face up. His cheeks turned slightly red and he immediately glanced away.

“It's just that… I can't afford to mess things up with him.” 

Sua raised an eyebrow. Him. She didn't comment on it, but she noticed.

“So, what you're asking is how to do that without affecting whatever you already have with this person?”

“Y-yeah...”

“That sucks, because it's impossible.”

Till sighed and groaned once again. “But you and Mizi managed, didn't you?” 

Sua stiffened at the mention of her relationship with Mizi. What was he comparing them to now? She had a hunch and was annoyed by it.

“Mizi and I are different. We've always liked each other that way; we just never... officially announced... it.” She softened her tone as soon as she realised she was becoming defensive. He had a bit of a point. "Well, have you asked them how they feel about not being friends?"

"That's mainly the problem. I don't think he sees us as friends at all.”

Sua raised an eyebrow. There it was again. He. Till didn't interact with many people. There was only one person he could be referring to. Sighing deeply once again, she pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose.

“Why do you think so?”

“He told me so.”

“He did?” Sua looked at Till, stunned. Almost as if wanting to punch a certain annoying face.

“Yes...”

“So you're not friends, then?”

“But everything's just like always so I'm not sure if he was joking.”

Sua dropped her head back and glanced at the ceiling. If she understood everything properly, the conclusion was simple: they were fucking idiots.

"Till, have you asked him directly? Have you confronted him about this?”

“Uh… no…”

“Why?” The girl's raised eyebrow made Till fidget nervously.

“I... well, It's complicated.'

“Listen. I understand that you've experienced rejection trauma after my goddess Mizi rejected you. But that doesn't mean it's supposed to happen all the time.”

"Mizi is a Sun; she was right to reject me, and I'm fine with that. But if he were to do so after all this time, I think I'd just die–."

“Okay, okay. Stop. Wow." She waved her hands in front of him.

Till sighed and glanced down again.

“Till, Look at me.” He did so hesitantly. 'If you don't want to ask about it directly, you'll never get over this. But if you still refuse, you could try seeing if it could work first. But that's exactly your problem.” Till frowned slightly as he tried to make sense of Sua's words. “You're an idiot. With that emo fringe covering your eyes, you can't see shit. Glancing at your feet all the time won't get you anywhere.”

“Hey—!”

“No, listen up, dumbass.” Sua's tone was harsh but serious. She wasn't just insulting him. She was speaking seriously.

Swallowing his pride, he remained silent and let her continue.

"You're only worried about yourself and your feelings. That isn't necessarily bad, but you're focused on yourself only. With that mindset, you can't get anywhere in a relationship."

Till felt a pang of pain at her words. It bothered him to realise she was right.

"You're being selfish by keeping your feelings to yourself just because you're comfortable the way things are now. But you still want something more without even bothering to work for it. Do you think the other person doesn't deserve to know about this?" She sighed. "I used to think that everything was fine as long as it stayed the same. But things don't last forever. If you don't embrace change, it will simply leave you behind. And sorry to break it to you, my friend, but you've already stirred up change by realising those feelings. Whether you go with the flow or let the wave drown you is up to you.”

Her words hit him like a truck. She was right. He was too far gone at this point; there was no way things could go back to how they were. But he didn’t know how to move forward either. He was stuck. The tide would definitely lead him astray unless he acted on it. Sua's habit of reading had expressed his situation annoyingly accurate in a somehow poetic way.

Sua’s tone softened slightly. "This won't only affect you in this love affair. It's already affecting your daily life. Look at yourself, Till. You've been forced to rely on me — someone who would probably spit at you if given the chance.”

“That's rude...” He pouted softly.

“But it's true. And Mizi's not here to hear it.” She continued speaking. "What I mean to say is, you have no one else to rely on because you've shut yourself off from the world. Having a small group of friends isn't bad though. I'm similar, so I get it. But I don't seclude myself when I'm facing difficulties. I don't drop off my friends when I'm upset.”

Till raised his eyebrows slightly. "What does that mean?”

“See? The fact that you don't know, proves my point.” Sua sighed again. "Till, how do you think Mizi felt when you decided on your own to avoid us once college started?"

Till tilted his head. He wasn't following through pretty well.

“She was sad. You made Mizi sad, Till. All because you thought that being on your own, away from Ivan's fan club and the attention that came with hanging out with the popular kids, was best for you. Since you chose it and were fine with it, you didn't see how much it hurt Mizi.”

Till widened his eyes slightly. “Mizi was sad that I didn't…?”

“Yeah. Have you even thought about how you've been treating us since the semester started? You never say good morning or text us first. You avoided us everywhere and only acted as usual when we were outside the campus. We all noticed and understood the reason behind it. But it would have been nicer if you had told us beforehand.”

Till felt guilty now. It was true that he had chosen to avoid everyone when college started after the chocolate incident in high school. It felt too overwhelming to be in the spotlight, and he felt like a sore thumb being between Mizi, the popular party girl; Sua, the beloved ice princess; and Ivan, the charming president.

He was just the emo kid. Nothing special. He was too aware of the whispers and eyes on him. So, until he managed to get through his panic attacks, he avoided them. But it was true that he never relied on them to handle the situation. He just took everything upon himself without telling anyone about it.

“Till. Even I was worried about you, are you listening?”

Teal met purple immediately. Sua's eyes were different to how they usually were. She glanced at him with a certain familiarity and gentle concern.

"Bet you didn't think I could worry about you, did you? But that's just because you've never glanced at me."

No… she was right. Maybe she had looked at him like that before. He had just been too preoccupied with his own perception of her to notice.

“I…” He didn't even know where to begin. “I'm sorry.”

Sua sighed and simply brushed her hand through the air.

"I don't care too much about it; Mizi was the one most affected. So you should apologise to her if you get the chance.”

“Y-yeah…” He nodded softly.

“So, that's my advice. If you don't want to speak up, that's OK. It's your problem. But if you lifted your head up a bit more frequently, maybe you'd be able to read between the lines.”

Till looked at her, confused once more.

"How's that supposed to help me...?"

"Whether we like it or not, people reveal a lot more than we realise through body language, jokes and many other things. But of course, don't assume things either. That's also a big problem of yours. You assume one little thing defines every single one that follows.”

“Okay okay, I get it–. I should pay more attention to what others do for me...”

“Precisely.

“And talk to him.”

“Definitely.”

There was a moment of silence, during which Sua examined Till’s expression. She sensed that he was keeping something else from her, but she didn't want to press him further.

“Sua.” Raising an eyebrow, she waited for him to continue. “Thanks. And sorry...”

The girl sighed and shook her head softly. Then, a faint smile appeared on her lips.

“You’re welcome, dumbass.”

..

As he walked down the hallway, he finally spotted the pink-haired girl he had been searching for all morning. It was usually an easy task, but his injured ankle limited his speed, so avoiding others while chasing the unstoppable Mizi was the most difficult thing Ivan had ever experienced; the first being trying to confess his feelings to Till. 

“Mizi!” Ivan called out to her. She immediately turned around at the sound of his familiar voice.

Smiling broadly, she rushed towards him, jumped up and hugged him, clinging to his neck. Like she usually did.

“Ivanny!” She greeted him affectionately, and Ivan simply chuckled and patted her on the shoulder.

Once she stepped back, he decided to jump straight to the point.

"I've been trying to catch you all day. You seem even busier than me.”

“Haha, oopsies~.” She hit her head playfully and stuck out her tongue. "I've been doing my best asking everyone around campus about the party, so you could say I've been doing your job while you get some rest."

Ivan nodded softly and kept his usual smile. “Well, may I have a little bit of your time, despite your busy schedule?”

Mizi laughed softly at Ivan’s polite joke. “Sure! Ah, wait, no. I was supposed to have lunch with Sua and—"

"It would only be this once… If she gets mad, just blame it on me. Please?”

At first, Mizi seemed a little hesitant. She was reluctant to concede, which confused Ivan because he knew she wouldn’t doubt that Sua would seize the opportunity to be mad at him with a reason, and wouldn't ever blame it on her.

"I was on my way to meet Luna to discuss your beloved party with her. You can accompany me, let her know, and see about those signatures and so on...”

Mizi’s eyes immediately lit up at the idea. Ivan felt slightly bad for using that on her, but he was desperate to speak to her as soon as possible.

“Really? Can I? Aren't your reunions like super-duper-totally exclusive and closed for regular students?”

"Well, we can make an exception since you’ve been working so hard in our stead. Don't you think?”

“Sure! Let me give Sua a heads-up first, then...”

Ivan nodded and started walking slowly beside Mizi, who quickly typed several messages on her phone as she followed him.

"So… what did you want to tell me? I bet it's not about the party, or you would have mentioned it earlier." She lifted her eyes from her screen momentarily to glance at him.

Ivan smiled; she was clever.

"You're right. It’s not about that… It’s something a little more personal."

Mizi tilted her head and raised an eyebrow.

She and Ivan were close; best friends if you asked her. If anyone was closer to her than Sua, it was Ivan.

What confused her was the timing. First Till had asked to talk, and now Ivan. Things were starting to add up in her head.

“Oh, what is it? Do you want advice or something like that?”

“No, it’s more like a favour I want to ask.” Mizi tilted her head, her pink, wavy hair framing her face. "I heard from Till that you told him yesterday I hurt myself while searching for him."

Mizi noticed a defensive tone in Ivan’s words and tensed slightly.

"Yeah, I did tell him that I saw you wandering around looking for him. Not that you were injured over it tho,” she chuckled softly. “What about it?”

“Oh… Well, Precisely that. He got the wrong idea and thought my ankle got worse because of that, and—”

“Isn’t that true, tho?” Mizi interrupted him, her words making him stiffen slightly.

“Hm?”

"You overworked your ankle by running around searching for Till. So what if he knows?” Mizi shrugged and went back to typing messages, before finally putting her phone back in the pocket of her tiny shorts.

Ivan cleared his throat and quickly calculated his next response.

"You know how easily he gets affected. I don’t want him to feel guilty about going home and everything.”

Mizi hummed softly. She also tried to find the best words to say next.

“I think he deserved to know. We can’t keep him in the dark about everything all the time.”

Ivan tensed a little.

"I don't see it that way. I think it’s better if we do what’s best for him.”

“How would you know what’s best for him? Have you asked him if he wants to be kept in the dark?” Mizi asked back.

She was smiling, but it was too similar to his own smile whenever he was trying to sugarcoat a bitter truth. And it stung.

She was right. Coddling Till wasn't necessarily the best approach. But that wasn't the only reason. What he actually wanted to do was keep his feelings hidden. It was only natural that she saw the situation that way, since she didn't know the recent events that went on with Till.

“Well, just try not to put too much pressure on him now. He finally seems more comfortable around campus, and yesterday it all almost went all back to zero.”

"He reached out to you first, tho. I just let him know after he made his move.” Mizi's point made Ivan stop in his tracks. "Ivan, whatever made Till avoid us wasn’t our fault, and I think him reaching out to us first to break down that wall is a big step. We need to welcome him back with open arms. Don’t you think so?”

Mizi's soft voice, as she stopped in front of him smiling, made Ivan clench his fists. He felt a little scolded.

“That’s…”

“Ivan.” Mizi pressed her hand onto his shoulder. Ivan’s dark eyes met her vibrant lime ones. "I know it’s hard to let go of past ways, but things change. If Till is going to be able to rely on us, we need to be strong and upfront about this."

Ivan chuckled wryly. “Tell him, then. Go on. Expose it all. Do you think you know better? Then do so and face the consequences. Go and tell Till about it all, and then we'll see how he reacts.” He didn't mean to be so harsh.

But despite everything, she didn’t move her hand from his shoulder.

“Ivan, what are you so scared of?” Mizi's words took him by surprise.

He recognised that sentence. It was ironic; he was being a hypocrite yet again.

"I know you like to bottle up your problems, but I can see how you look at him lately. Something happened, didn't it?”

Mizi's words struck him like lightning. He glanced at her immediately, his eyes wide open and his brows folded in worry. Had he been that obvious?

Mizi had known for a while that he had feelings for Till. She had realised this, and he had never corrected her when she implied it, so naturally she had drawn her own conclusions.

At first, he didn't want anyone to notice, but he was actually a bit more relaxed about Mizi knowing than he first expected.

Having someone to talk to about it was kind of...refreshing.

“I know where you're coming from. I understand you don't want to tell Till, given the difficult situation you two are in. But pushing him away only hurts you both.”

"I don't care about hurting myself. It's Till who shouldn't go through that. I don't want him to.” He spoke sharply. “I want to protect him.”

“People are not—.”

“From myself, Mizi.” Ivan interrupted. Mizi glanced at him, looking a little confused. “I need to protect Till from these feelings of mine. They're no good. So... please. Don't let him get any ideas. Please.” He dropped his head and bowed respectfully to her.

Mizi was taken aback at first. She finally sighed and simply shook her head.

"Look, Ivan, I think you need to give this a proper chance. I don't know what's going through your mind, but if you need help, I'll lend you a hand. 'kay? Rest assured that I won't tell him anything about your feelings. It's totally up to you. But I hope you see yourself in a warmer light, my friend.” Smiling warmly, she bent down to meet his gaze. "Ivan, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged, too."

She spoke calmly with a comforting smile on her face. Her eyes shone even in the dimly lit hallway, and she had a warm, familiar presence.

No wonder Till fell for her first. She was so different from his cold, confusing, distant self.

“They don't.” He avoided her gaze. "They're disgusting. Nothing like the way you love Sua, Mizi –"

"Ivan, the way you love Till is gentler and purer than you realise."

Ivan gave her a complicated look. It was as if one part of him desperately wanted to believe her. However, a bigger, more pressing part of him pushed the idea aside, reminding him of how disgusting he had been with Till.

"You're too bright, Mizi."

“Haha, what was that now? Please don't tell me you're going to fall head over heels for me now."

"No way, you know I'm gay as hell." He joked softly, and they both laughed as they stood up.

“Well, my gay bestie, will you accompany this lesbian party girl to that super important meeting now?”

Ivan simply chuckled once more and nodded. “Yes, let's make that party happen.”

“Then you can confess to Till under the shining lights of the meteor shower!”

Ivan chuckled lightly. The conversation hadn't gone as he had expected. But somehow Mizi's optimistic aura had rubbed off on him. 

He found himself really, really hoping he could do exactly that.

…

Jelly, where are you? 14:10 pm.

Don't take too long, Till's here already. 14:13 pm.

Sorry! Something came up babe ( ˶ˊᜊˋ˶) 14:3 2 pm.

Might take a while. 14:32 pm.

Mizi. 14:32 pm.

Can you please talk with him in my stead? 14:33 pm.

Don't leave me alone with him. 14:33 pm.

Mizi, please. 14:34 pm.

I won't make it to lunch. 14:39 pm.

You can do it, babe! ദ്ദി •⩊• ) 14:40 pm.

Mizi.14:40 pm.

Sweetie! °ʚ(*´꒳`*)ɞ° 16:50 pm.

How did it go with Till? (∩˃o˂∩)♡ 16:51 pm.

Fine I guess. 16:51 pm.

Where were you? Took you a while… 16:52 pm.

I was with Ivan. 16:54 pm.

Figured. What did he want? 16:54 pm.

Sua, my lovely little dolly-pop. 16:55 pm.

My God. 16:55 pm.

My universe. 16:55 pm.

We need to get those gays together `⎚⩊⎚´ -✧. 16:56 pm.

We're not gonna do that. 16:56pm.

Oh come on~! It's gonna be fun! (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) .ᐟ.ᐟ 16:59 pm.

Also we owe it to Ivan since he helped us be together. 17:00 pm.

I hate that it had to be that way. 17:01 pm.

Can we just not…? 17:01 pm.

We’ll talk about it later! 17:11 pm

Lil bit busy rn. 17:11 pm.

Love ya 🪼⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ 17:12 pm.

I love you too… 17:12 pm.

Chapter Text

The evening lessons felt a bit tedious as Till was lost in thought after his exchange with Sua at lunch.

Although talking with Sua hadn't solved his problem of self-control around Ivan, it had certainly given him a different perspective on things.

In his view, Sua had always been distant, cold and cruel to him. Now, knowing that she was worried about him, even though she didn't show it, made him realise that his perceptions might have been slightly off the mark.

And she was right. He hadn't seen that coming at all.

She had also opened his eyes to a situation he was unaware of: he had hurt his friends by pushing them aside.

On reflection, it was logical to think they would be bothered. But why hadn't he thought of that beforehand?

The answer was simple. Sua was right again; he had been focusing only on himself.

It bothered him that she had been so perceptive and that he wouldn't have noticed if no one had told him.

Groaning slightly, he pressed his face down onto his arm as he rested on the desk. The teacher's voice was drowned out alongside all other sounds in the background.

He was such an idiot and he felt terribly bad about it. He wanted to apologise to everyone and make amends, and perhaps go back to how things were at high school. He knew he was insecure about fitting in, but they seemed to want him there. So it would be fine, wouldn't it? His friends would help him settle in, right?

Till raised his gaze to the blackboard. Despite looking in its direction, his vision was unfocused, so whatever was written on it was unreadable to him.

How could he resolve things with Ivan? 

Had he had the wrong idea about him all this time, too?

Having assumed they were good friends, Ivan's telling him otherwise had proven that they weren't exactly on the same page.

But how much of that was a misunderstanding, and how much did it affect them? If Ivan didn't think they were friends, but still talked to him and jumped into this strange dynamic, or whatever it was, then...

“..don't assume things either. That's also a big problem of yours. You assume one little thing defines every single one that follows.”

Sua's words echoed in his mind. He was bothered by how stuck he had been in seeing things as black or white. 

One time doesn't mean a rule, and grey exists too. For an artist like him to be so blind as to not see the hues with which human interaction was painted felt ironic and annoyed him, making him angry with himself.

So far I only got two things clear: I like Ivan touching me and he likes doing so, too. The reason I do is because I like him… His reasoning … unclear. But he doesn't hate me for it either.

Absent-mindedly playing with his pencil between his fingers, Till decided to reflect on the events of the past week.

Firstly, he had been bothered that Ivan had been avoiding him, but that was definitely his own fault. As Sua said, he was the one avoiding them on campus. So, of course, Ivan, just like the girls did, respected his space despite his usual clinginess.

However, during the time he had to himself, he realised he missed them. Not just hanging around with them, but being around them all day –mostly he missed Ivan being with him all day.

One thing led to another, though, and he ended up fantasising about Ivan all over him in the wrong way, which ended up kind of coming true.

His cheeks turned red and he buried his face further down between his arms. But he couldn't stop reminiscing about that night. There must be something he's missing. Some kind of hint, like Sua said...

What had Ivan done when he walked in on him? Tease him about it. That was pretty much his usual thing. He pressed on the matter, annoyed him, and...

When he realised I was touching while thinking of him he immediately offered himself. 

Scratching the back of his red ears, Till frowned slightly. Looking back, Ivan had always started it. Despite Till never denying or backing away, he never took the first step. Ivan offered a hand job, suggested showing off his body and asked to get one back first.

Damn, he had even opened up first with that deleted message.

Dropping his head onto the table with a dull thud, Till realised how stuck he had been in his own thoughts and feelings all this time, not noticing such small things. 

Till had focused so much on the mindset that 'he does it just to annoy me' that he hadn't been able to see beyond it. 

What if bothering him was just his way of getting his attention?

…

And he probably thinks I just want his body because I've been annoyed by everything else he's done that hasn't turned me on.

Bumping his head on the desk again, he felt like an even bigger idiot. Despite showing Ivan his worry and concern, what did he do immediately afterwards? Yes, he touched Ivan's body without asking and got sucked off immediately afterwards.

Suddenly, he had another realisation.

Despite having offered to do whatever for Till, Ivan had been pleasing himself alone. The only time he had seen Ivan reach orgasm with him was once, even though Till had received even more. He had just been taking from Ivan, and he now felt incredibly disgusted with himself for it.

Used. Those were the words that described how Ivan felt. Used by him. Ivan had even told him as much, and Till hadn't corrected him.

“Use me as you want, Till. I’ll gladly fulfill any of your fantasies…” 

But Till didn't want to simply use each other. He wanted them both to be on equal terms.

To love and be loved. He enjoyed Ivan’s touch, but he also wanted Ivan to enjoy it.

Till frowned slightly.

But I've tried to do so, right…? 

Glancing down at his hands, he pouted slightly. Whenever things ended, Ivan always brushed him off. He knew he hadn't been too insistent about reciprocating, but he was starting to feel bothered by how often he was rejected.

Then another memory flashed to him. 

What had he said when Ivan had asked for it back? 

No. 

How many times did he have to ask before Till finally gave in? 

Thrice. 

And what did Till tell him when he finally conceded?

“Don’t get your hopes up. I’ll just make us even.”

Great. Awesome. Sua's right. You're a blind, self-centred idiot.

When Till finally lifted his head, he saw that the class had ended and that everyone was by the door.

Despite his desire for Ivan and him to be closer than ever, it was him who pushed himself away. 

…

Meetings like those were really tiresome for Ivan. Thankfully, he wasn't alone this time, as Mizi was accompanying him and doing most of the talking.

After half an hour or so, it ended, and afterwards, despite it being late for lunch, Ivan and Mizi headed outside the campus to get something to eat at a nearby fast food place. They hung out, and Ivan took the chance to take his mind off things a little.

Mizi didn't press him further about Till, and Ivan noticed how preoccupied he had been with him lately.

Having got so close to Till in such a short time, it was as if Ivan was desperately trying to feed a hunger that had been dragged on for so long that it could not be reversed. He was desperately trying to fill the need he had for Till in his life.

Mizi pointed out that Till seemed to be healing and Ivan noticed that he hadn't completely freaked out in the hallway when he was confronted by that girl the day before. This made him think that maybe it was time for him to try confessing to him again.

But that was just a fleeting thought, because if Till wanted him that way, he would have told him, wouldn't he?

He wasn't shy about showing that he was into Mizi way back in school. It's true that they were younger and less affected by the opinions of others –at least Till was– but the idea had taken root in Ivan's mind and wouldn't go away.

He knew he didn't stand a chance, so his best option was to settle for whatever crumbs he could get.

But would he be satisfied with that? He used to think so, but he also felt selfishness creeping up on him every time they touched.

Despite wanting to stay with Mizi a little longer just to see Sua's angry face, Ivan calmly walked around the campus garden after saying goodbye to her at the entrance.

It was almost five o'clock and, despite having some more lessons before the end of the day, he decided that it would be best to take a longer break. He was taking it easy, leaning on his crutch most of the time. He didn't want to risk further spraining his ankle, even though the idea of Till nursing him was tempting.

Ivan had decided to slow things down; given his recent behaviour, he was sure that he wouldn't be able to control himself if he and Till engaged in that way once more.

He had almost crossed the final line last time and, having realised this, he felt he needed to create some distance between them again.

He wasn't giving much thought to where he was heading. He was just enjoying the soft breeze on this sunny evening. But some people stopped him on his way. Thankfully, they were not girls from his fan club, but Marty and the boys.

“Ivan! Buddy! Fancy seeing you here.” 

Soon, an arm was wrapped around his shoulders, forcing him to bend down slightly to reach the other person's height while they discussed the upcoming match.

True. That damned match.

Glancing down at his ankle, he didn't feel too optimistic.

When he sprained it on Monday, it hadn't been that bad, practically feeling more like a misstep than a sprain. But later on, it had bothered him a bit, and after swelling up, it felt like the healing process might be slower than expected.

But everyone expected him to be there.

How could Ivan, the star quarterback, miss a qualifying match and leave his teammates to face the risk alone?

He had definitely been spending too much time alone, allowing himself to entertain the delusion that he had any control over his life and choices.

Glancing at the distance, Ivan spotted a familiar teal-haired man walking not too far from them while his teammates continued to chat and pester him with questions about next week's training before Thursday's match.

Till was probably going back to the dorms to collect his things before going home for the day, after spending time alone in the garden. Ivan knew this because he had noticed Till habit of going to their shared room when he was out training so that they wouldn't cross paths more than necessary.

Their eyes met and Ivan's heart stopped as he raised his hand to wave at Till. But the other man immediately averted his gaze and quickened his pace, walking away.

You were wrong, Mizi... he thought. Till hasn't changed at all.

It took him a while to get rid of his teammates' never-ending chatter, but eventually he managed and decided to take a quick rest by the spot he knew Till had already left.

Spreading himself wide on the grass, he lay on his back and gazed straight up at the geranium bloom that Till had been drawing last time.

Smiling wryly, he reached over and grazed its petals before dropping his hand over his face and closing his eyes.

Get your shit together, Ivan…

He rolled onto his side and noticed something on the grass when he opened his eyes.It was Till's phone charm.He picked it up and looked at it.

It had a teal string and was covered in small white, blue and green crystals. Some were round and some were star-shaped. There were also some cute pink pendants in the shape of hearts and strawberries, which really contrasted with the overall teal palette.

It was completely incompatible with his usual dark, punkish style, but Ivan knew he had had it before he became immersed in his emo phase. It was a gift from Mizi back in high school. He had one too, attached to his tablet.

I'll give it back to him later... he'll definitely miss it…

…

Till felt like a total idiot. Early that morning, he had decided to avoid Ivan in order to collect his thoughts and find a way out of the awkward situation. But now he was avoiding Ivan because he felt completely awkward after realising that he had been acting like an even bigger fool than he had initially thought.

Once he reached the dorm and dropped the books he didn't need on his desk, he fished his phone out of his pocket to check the time –or at least he tried to.

He usually held his phone by the charm attached to it, but now he couldn't feel the string, no matter how hard he searched. Grabbing the device, his eyes immediately fixed on the empty spot where his phone charm should have been.

“Fuck, did I lose it?”

His hands immediately went to pat his pockets in search of it, while his eyes scanned the items he had dropped onto the desk and the floor of the room. But there was no trace of the charm anywhere.

Groaning, dreading the possibility that the string had come loose and that he had lost it forever, he ruffled his hair as he crouched down in frustration.

It was an important gift. Mizi had given one to each member of the group. Each of them had one, and it meant that he belonged with them: they were his friends and he was theirs.

He knew it was a silly thing. But he wasn't clinging onto a friendship charm because his relationship depended on it. He just couldn't handle the thought of losing something that someone else had spent a considerable amount of time making, with so much care and love, only for it to be lost forever somewhere unknown. Or even worse, it could be broken and never make it back to him.

He needed to find it; otherwise, he would definitely upset Mizi even more. He knew he had already caused her enough trouble. If he told her, she would probably say it was okay or something reassuring. But she could still feel hurt, despite always welcoming him with a bright smile.

He might have been overthinking things, but it was still important to him, so he headed out into the corridors in search of it.

He checked the dormitory halls, the entrance, the cafeteria and even some of the classrooms. Till spent some time roaming around, his eyes on the floor, trying to retrace every step of his day.

I'm sure I had it when I was eating with Sua… so it must have fallen afterwards. 

There were few places he had been after that. Just two lessons, which classrooms he already checked; the hallways, the dorms and…

The garden. He didn't hesitate, rushing right away.

But when he reached his usual sketching spot, he froze as he glanced down at a familiar face.

What was Ivan doing there?

He seemed to be asleep, lying face up to the sky. One arm was resting above his head and the other was lost somewhere on his side.

Reluctantly, Till walked closer, trying not to make too much noise in case the other was truly asleep.

He gave Ivan a side glance as he crouched down beside him and noticed that he didn't even budge. He guessed that he was truly napping. It was a weird place to do so, but Till wasn't one to judge.

Silently, he searched the grass for any sign of his beloved charm. To no avail, as it didn't seem likely that he would find it anywhere.

Till glanced back at Ivan and pouted slightly. He crawled closer to Ivan to seek comfort, staying on his knees and hovering over his face from the side.

He stayed there for a while, simply glancing down at Ivan's relaxed expression. He admired the way his thick, dark brows rested in a calm manner. His long lashes covered his usually dark, mischievous eyes. His lips were slightly parted as he breathed in and out; his fang poked out slightly, making him look almost cute.

Before he could process the thought, Till's fingers reached out to gently push Ivan's hair away from his forehead.

"Why do you look so fine even while sleeping?" Till whispered, pouting slightly. He rested his cheek on Ivan's chest, glancing at his sleepy face.

After a while, he simply let out a big sigh and lifted his face up. Still resting on his knees over the grass, he was ready to push himself up and continue his search.

He was really going to leave Ivan to rest, but... the incident with his headphones popped into his mind, and he immediately looked back at Ivan.

“You wouldn't have stolen it, right?” He whispered softly, not intending for Ivan to hear him –more like an out-loud thought or a joke– but he frowned slightly and softly traced Ivan's nose outline with the tip of his index finger.

“You don't fool me, despite looking so cute.” He whispered again and glanced at Ivan. It wasn't too far-fetched for Till to believe that, as he had his reasons to suspect Ivan. At the same time, though, he was being unnecessarily touchy about it.

Maybe it was because of his longing.

Maybe it was because he had been trying so hard to stay away, but the attraction between them was pulling him back in with full force.

Or maybe it was because Ivan looked vulnerable for once.

Or maybe he was just looking for any excuse.

Crawling closer to hover over him again, Till glanced down at Ivan, frowning softly and pouting. He softly patted Ivan's sides and slid his hands down, feeling him up ever so slightly in search of a hidden space under his shirt until he reached his jeans pockets. There was nothing there except his firm muscles and perfect silhouette underneath his clothes.

Sighing, Till gave up and rested his head on Ivan's chest again, glancing at his sleepy face. He could feel his cheeks growing warm at the realisation of what he had just done. However, given that Ivan hadn't even flinched, he figured that he was still safe, as Ivan looked fast asleep. Despite his ears being slightly red at the tip... but maybe Till was just seeing things.

“What if I finally lose all my friends along with it…” he whispered quietly to himself as he let out a sigh. 

He stayed there for a while, feeling warm and oddly comfortable, resting on Ivan's body. It was a strange feeling of security, despite the embarrassing position he was putting himself in.

Realising that it would be strange if someone were to find them like that, Till lifted his head. And thus, he noticed Ivan's right hand hiding in the pocket of his jacket.

When did Ivan put his hand in his pocket? And why would someone sleep like that?

This piqued Till's curiosity, and he softly tried to feel whatever was in it. It felt like a hand and... something else. Something of a familiar size and shape.

Till frowned immediately and, as he moved his hand into Ivan's pocket, the other moved it away and up, closer to his head. Ivan had, in fact, his charm in his fingers. He was also definitely not sleeping.

“Assaulting me while I sleep again?”

Those lips, which had looked almost innocent a second ago, were now curled up into a playful smirk, making Till's blood rush to his cheeks.

“You asshole! You keep stealing my things! " Trying to reach over Ivan's hand, Till leaned over him so much that his T-shirt was practically brushing against Ivan's face.

“Not true.”

Gripping the charm tighter, Ivan moved his hand away once more and kept playing with Till as if it were a cat following a toy, while chuckling like a dork.

It was cute; it was fun.

Despite the slight, involuntary brushing of their bodies as they moved.

Despite acting unknowingly as two bickering lovely-birds. 

They were both having fun, despite the lingering uncertainty between them about what they were.

When Till finally had enough of Ivan playing with him, he sat on Ivan's stomach to pin him down, reaching out to grab his wrist with both hands.

"If you didn't steal it, then explain this! Why aren't you giving it to me?"

Ivan chuckled again while glancing up at Till, who was now all over him. With his thighs pressing against his sides, Ivan could feel Till's full weight on his lower stomach.

"You’re not exactly beating the harassment allegations either…" Faking a big yawn, Ivan let the charm dangle from his finger. “But whatever… I'll concede. I was going to give it to you later anyway. But since you're already here...”

Till immediately snatched the charm from Ivan's hand and examined it closely. It seemed like it was not the string that had broken, just the clasp attached to it. That was a relief, as it was easier to replace. He let out a big sigh, relaxing his body and not noticing where he was sitting anymore. Until he could feel Ivan growing tense underneath him.

He knew he should probably move aside. He should get off and apologise for his behaviour. But instead...

“You were not sleeping, were you?” Pouting, Till glanced down at Ivan once more.

“I was… for the first half of your little show.” Ivan smiled, putting both his arms behind his head and looking up at Till with a pleased smirk.

“How much did you hear?” Threateningly, Till grabbed Ivan's collar with his free hand. Not looking very scary, though, if you asked Ivan.

“Hmmm… I'm still waiting for an answer to my question.” Ivan brushed the topic off with a smirk, which made Till groan in annoyance.

“Maybe I was. So? How much did you hear?” Trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, he pressed his teal eyes further into his beloved's droopy dark ones.

Ivan was taken aback by Till's sudden acceptance of his actions. He was expecting Till to deny everything until the end, or even get angry with him for pressing the issue, or start a fight, or leave after exchanging some harsh words...

He raised an eyebrow, trying not to let his confusion show on his face.

“So you're admitting you're a perv?”

“It seems to have rubbed off on me from you. So you're at fault. Answer me already!” Till shook him slightly by the collar, and Ivan chuckled lightly.

"Now the blame's on me?" he said, moving one of his hands to grasp Till's wrists. “I don't remember ever straddling you in your sleep… or feeling you up while at it.”

Till's cheeks seemed like they were about to explode. The redness was completely visible up to his ears. Even his hand felt hotter than Ivan's under his grasp. To Ivan's biggest surprise, Till suddenly hid his face in Ivan's chest and mumbled softly.

“... You didn't steal it?”

His voice sounded apologetic, and Ivan completely melted as he was being so cute while still on top of him.

"No, I told you before... you just happened to overlook it, and I took care of it before returning it to you." Absent-mindedly, Ivan started to circle his thumb around Till's wrist tenderly.

Till lifted his eyes a little, his cheek still pressed against Ivan's soft pecs. He had a conflicting expression all over his face. It made Ivan flush even more, almost as much as Till.

“Sorry.” Till suddenly apologised, causing Ivan's eyes to widen in confusion. "...Same with my headphones?: he asked, sounding so vulnerable and sweet that Ivan folded.

“... No. I really did steal those.”

“I knew it! You asshole–!” Till scoffed and suddenly sprang up, frowning, which made Ivan wince with disappointment. But Till playfully punched Ivan's chest, despite his hand being clasped under Ivan's long fingers.

Letting out a soft 'oof' and a nervous laugh, Ivan glanced back at Till, who immediately followed with a soft giggle.

The situation was weird, but then again, after all they had been through, it just didn't feel awkward at all. Maybe a bit uncertain, but definitely not uncomfortable. Holding his breath, Till moved his hand closer to Ivan's face. Ivan's fingers reluctantly released Till's wrist as he felt his cheeks being softly pressed against those warm fingertips of the other.

Their heartbeats beating fast, almost in sync. Despite trying to act as if their cheeks weren't burning at all, both their faces were tinted red. Despite all of the implications and tension that it brought with it, their bodies remained still in that intimate position.

Ivan found it so hard to keep a straight face, and then the last straw came: Till's words.

“Since you're not telling me if you heard me or not… I'll repeat myself.”

Teal met black, and red reflected between them. Full of determination, Till was uncertain where his words would lead him, but he tried to stop running away from the truths he was holding onto.

“Why do you look so fine, even when sleeping?” His fingers dug softly into Ivan's cheeks, forcing his lips to pucker slightly. Till smiled down at him. “And somehow, I also find you cute, even when you act innocent or mess around with me.”

Ivan could feel the pressure in his chest tightening and a nervous flush making his mind go blank.

“Ivan.” He tensed even more at the sound of his name. Till took a quivering breath, trying to relax. “I do…like touching you. But... why does it seem as if you're avoiding my touch?”

The question confused Ivan. His brain was already malfunctioning from the situation, and now Till's words had overwhelmed him with thousands of thoughts vying for space in his head, none of which were coherent. Somehow, through the mess, he managed to reply in a breathy whisper.

“Does this look like me avoiding your touch for you? If anything... it's more like you've been avoiding me because of my touch."

Ivan's question hung in the air as Till slowly released his grip on Ivan's cheeks.

“I won't deny I have been trying to keep some distance.” Till admitted. “Until I figured out why you always dismiss me as soon as I've finished.” He felt his face burning up as he spoke. But he knew he had to endure the embarrassment of talking about it if he wanted to put an end to the misunderstanding.

Ivan looked as confused and nervous as he was, which gave him the courage to continue.

“I don't just want to use you, Ivan. I don't want you to think that I only want your body either...” Pouting slightly, he leaned in again and nuzzled the crook of Ivan's neck. “I… I'm sorry if you had thought that way… I really, really… ugh.” He cut himself off, clutching his chest as if to stop his heart from escaping. It was harder to say than he had expected, so he took a detour. “I don't want this to be a… kind of transactional…relationship thing.”

Till's soft and cute behaviour was pushing Ivan to the limit. It was no wonder that all Ivan wanted to do was flip Till over and pin him down. He wanted to have Till trapped under his body and the grass. That's why he tried to anchor himself, to bring himself back to reality and fight the desires screaming in his head.

 Grabbing Till's shoulders, Ivan sat up in the grass. Till was still over his lap, but Ivan tried to keep his thoughts as cool as the breeze that caressed them. He pushed Till back a little to be able to look him in the face.

“Till, I don't care if you want to use–.”

"I don't." Till interrupted abruptly. “Ivan, I'm… I'm not like that! I can't just go to someone, take whatever I want from them, and then walk away as if nothing happened.”

Ivan tried to read whatever he could from those beautiful teal eyes, which seemed to look at him with so much pain and... tenderness?

“Ivan.” He flinched slightly. Having gone suddenly silent, he was scared of what Till would say next. He was even a little panicked by the thought that Till might call all this off. But as soon as Till opened his mouth again, Ivan was even more shocked and speechless. “What are we?”

What were they?

It was a good question.

They were too close to be just friends.

Too complicated to be lovers.

And there was too much history between them to be mere strangers...

Ivan's brain simply shut down. It was as if his thought process had gone into overdrive and displayed a system error: Code 404, not found.

Meanwhile, Till was feeling anxious and tense in the silence. Yet again, he found the strength to speak.

“Ivan, I don't want to lose a friend like you over this.”

Friend. The word echoed in Ivan's empty head for a while. His usually drooping, half-closed eyes were wide as a plate.

“Friend? Do you consider me your friend?” He repeated, with scepticism.

Till's brows flinched slightly.

“Ivan, you've been my best friend since like… forever. What did you think we were?”

Ivan's eyes moved everywhere, as if trying to make sense of what he was being told.

“But–. But you never told me, and–.” He stuttered, unable to get a hold of himself. His thick brows furrowing and relaxing in confused behaviour.

Till, noticing the panic in Ivan's eyes, also found himself dumbfounded. He reached out and gently pressed his hands against Ivan's cheeks.

“Ivan, You are my friend. Always have been. Why the hell would you think I would have let you be so damn annoying and stuck around me?"

“... Out of pity?” 

“...”

“...”

They both fell silent, trying to make sense of each other's words. Ivan was completely lost, trying to understand where this was coming from. Meanwhile, Till was trying to understand how someone could be so oblivious in such an annoyingly cute way.

“Do you need me to spell it out for you?” Till raised one of his furrowed eyebrows.

“How am I supposed to know if you never say it?” Ivan glanced back at Till with a silly blank and flushed expression.

“Ivan, you're my best friend.”

Ivan blinked several times before speaking up again. “Really?”

“At least I thought so, before you said that... we could've been friends. Since then, I don't understand what we are anymore.”

Ivan was trying to make sense of it all.

He and Till were friends?

Did he not find him annoying?

Did he not hate him?

Did he not want to get rid of him every single second of his life?

Did he–.

Trying to stop himself from spiralling further, he suddenly pulled Till close to his chest as tightly as he could. His breath was all over the place, and so was his head; he was almost feeling nauseous. He was so happy, yet so scared that he had hurt Till without realising it. It was a rush of emotions: Happiness, anger, hope and fear.

Ivan had nothing to hold onto but the crumbs of hope he had clung to. But now, in a single second, he had been proved wrong and was faced with the truth that he had probably ruined what he'd been longing for.

Noticing Ivan's unstable reaction, Till shut his mouth. The way Ivan clung to him made him keep silent. He could feel how overwhelmed Ivan was. Despite having such a tight grip on him, he was literally panting over his shoulder and trembling. It was both surprising and concerning. So he gently patted Ivan on the head. As if trying to soothe him.

After a few minutes, he managed to calm him down.

Reluctantly, Ivan pulled back slightly and glanced at Till, his face bearing a complex expression.

“So…are we not … anymore? Did you change your mind? Is that why you said... you didn't want to lose all your friends?”

Till gave Ivan all the time he needed to finish mumbling his sentences. It pained him to see how affected he seemed by the thought of it.

"I still believe we're good friends." He cautiously muttered, still cupping Ivan's face in his hands.

“Despite all we have done?”

“... Uh… I mean… it's not something typical friends do…” he saw the panic in Ivan's eyes and proceeded to blurt out the rest a bit hurriedly. “But I still think we're friends."

"...like friends with benefits?”

“...s-something like it, y-yeah?”

Till was unsure as he let those words roll off his tongue. It was easier to settle on that than to confess outright, given that Ivan had named it that way. He was hesitant to correct him because he felt that if he did, there was no telling how Ivan would react. This scared him because he had never seen Ivan so overwhelmed and was unsure how to deal with it.

“So… I'm your friend, right?” Ivan asked softly.

“Yeah… my best friend.” Till replied.

"And... are we still friends even though we've done sexual things together?"

"Yeah…” Till nodded softly, despite the embarrassment.

“So… We're friends with benefits.”

“That's what you said, yes.” 

"... and you don't want me to go without getting any of my... benefits." The way Ivan said the last part, more like an assertion than a question, made Till shiver slightly. He couldn't even formulate a response; he simply nodded his red head.

Well, it wasn't as if Ivan was completely unaffected either. His ears were almost as red as his jacket. There was also a slight trembling in his arms that showed no sign of stopping. However, Till's warm hands on his cheeks anchored him to the moment.

"Would you hate me for what I am about to ask you?" Ivan's breath tickled Till's palm, making a shiver run up his spine.

"I don't think I could ever hate you, no matter how annoying you might be, Ivan." Trying to overcome his embarrassment, Till attempted to joke his way through it.

This seemed to ease the tension a bit, as Ivan smiled briefly.

"Then..." Taking a deep breath, Ivan bit his lip, trying to find the best way to express what had been on the tip of his tongue the whole time. "Can you please stay with me tonight?"

Hearing those words whispered so sweetly and pleadingly, Till's brain short-circuited. Gathering all his remaining strength, he gave him his answer:

“Yes.”

Chapter Text

The sun was peeking through the small gap in the blinds. It wasn't a big ray, but it had been shining directly onto Till's closed eyelids for a long time, so it was starting to feel uncomfortable.

However, when he tried to turn around to avoid it, he found that he was unable to move. Something was holding him back. Something strong, big, and suffocatingly warm.

Groaning slightly, he slowly opened one eye, trying to make sense of his surroundings.

True, he had slept on campus, so he was not in his house bedroom. But that wouldn't explain why he felt so cramped in bed.

Once his vision cleared, he immediately recognised the arm resting under his cheek. Those fingers that rested on the mattress not too far from his face; those soft biceps on which his head rested comfortably. And of course, he noticed upon further inspection a strong arm completely tangled around his waist.

But how on earth had he ended up being spooned by Ivan while he was sleeping?

 …

Despite his determination to make amends, he found himself in a bigger mistake: he agreed to be friends with benefits. After Ivan had calmed down a bit, they went back to their shared room. But on the walk back, Till felt slightly nervous about what would happen next because, to be honest, he was scared of ruining their potential romance by setting boundaries in such an uneasy way.

This was the first time he had seen Ivan so vulnerable. He had basically crumbled after just a few words, which confused Till even more. It made no sense to him how the other man had thought of him all this time. If they weren't really friends, why did he still pester him? Why did he stick so close? Why had he been trying so hard to reach out to him? The situation was somehow made even more complex by this revelation.

Secondly, he was left with a lingering bitterness after swallowing his feelings and pride to accept such a situation. Did he agree with the whole friends-with-benefits idea? No –he disliked the notion of it very much. But did he mind as long as it was Ivan? Not a single bit.

He was full of contradictions: despite this, after that, and then despite that again... His mind was a mess.

Being too anxious to say anything, he continued to walk in silence. After all, it was him who had led to such a big misunderstanding. And was afraid of caving himself even further if he opened his mouth.

You and your roundabout way with words! I'm such an idiot, I don't even know how to speak. Fucking piece of trash, that's what I am–.

His mind was flooded with self-deprecating thoughts, which only deepened when he accepted that he was also kind of enticed by the idea of what they were going to do that night. He was excited by the thought, but at the same time he dreaded everything that went with it.

This made him feel extremely conflicted, as whenever he tried to focus on anything, he would end up thinking that he was just stupid.

But whatever Till expected to happen after agreeing to spend the night with Ivan definitely wasn't what was actually going on.

Why were they lying on Ivan's bed in pajamas, watching a weird documentary about stars and life in outer space on his tablet, while Ivan ranted about every little meteor, star and planet fact he found incorrect?

As soon as they got into the room, Till had rushed to the bathroom, claiming he needed to shower.

But when he came out of the bathroom, fully showered and still nervous despite having tried to calm himself down, he found Ivan sitting by his bed with his tablet on his lap. Having changed into a sleeveless black T-shirt and loose grey sweatpants, Ivan patted the spot beside him and told Till, 'Let's watch something nice.’

And so there they were. Back against the cold wall, using the desk chair as a table for the tablet, watching that stupid show.

“Don't you get bored watching this?”

Till's question took Ivan by surprise.

“Ah.” He scratched the back of his head apologetically and chuckled softly. “We can search for something else to watch.”

Till raised an eyebrow at this suggestion and cleared his throat. It was probably because he had said it in such a dismissive tone. "I mean, it’s clearly inaccurate. Some of their photos look as if they were taken with a Nokia, so..." Till sighed, rolled up his legs and grabbed his ankles, staring at Ivan. "If you like this kind of stuff so much, why don’t we watch other documentaries instead of this one? Since you're making it look so inaccurate. I mean...”

Ivan blinked slowly as Till's words sank in. Then he smiled softly.

"Oh, that's because near the middle, there's a short animated sequence that I thought you'd like to see!"

The pure joy with which Ivan said this made Till blush slightly, and he returned his gaze to the screen. 

This was not his usual Friday night plan and certainly not what he had been expecting just minutes earlier. But he found himself enjoying it a lot.

Despite Ivan grumbling about his astro-freak stuff, he was right, and Till enjoyed the animated parts of the documentary. The animation used to explain the differences between meteors, asteroids and comets was clearly where all the budget for the show had gone. He could feel Ivan turning around to check his reaction when that part came on, and that little fact made him smile more than he usually would have done throughout the whole ordeal.

By the end, he was feeling sleepy and had unconsciously rested his head on Ivan's shoulder.

“Till?” Ivan whispered softly. The other only grumbled softly in reply. “Are you sleeping?”

Letting out a soft scoff, Till rolled his eyes and let out a soft purr. “...no.”

So fucking cute...  Ivan thought as he pressed his head down over Till's, a silly smile on his lips. Despite the initial soft groan, Till didn't push him away, simply nuzzling closer as the soothing voice of the documentary's narrator slowly faded into the background.

Having found such a sweet, safe and warm place to settle down after such a long day, and being a bit tired, it was no surprise that they didn't resist the sleep that overtook them both.

As for the consequences of not being aware of their surroundings when they fell asleep, that would be a problem for their future selves.

And that's pretty much how they ended up cuddling in bed. Till had fallen asleep while watching the documentaries and hadn't noticed how or when they had ended up lying fully on Ivan's bed. He didn't notice when they pulled the covers over them, or why he didn't even notice after being manoeuvred around so much.

He must have been so tired or so comfortable that he didn't care, despite considering himself a light sleeper.

Trying not to move too much, Till turned his head to check if Ivan was still asleep. As he did so, a soft, tickling strand of dark hair brushed against his nape, and he immediately tensed. His heart was beating like crazy; he was enjoying this moment with Ivan a little too much. His face was warm, and despite not being able to see Ivan, the act of him nuzzling Till while asleep made him smile like an idiot.

Fuck, he's so cute. 

Groaning softly under his breath, he rubbed one hand over his face, trying to pull himself together. But as soon as he did, another husky groan echoed in response, and all his remaining restraint snapped when he felt Ivan's hot breath on his shoulder.

“Go back to sleep... it's Saturday…” 

If Ivan's voice was usually low and somewhat deep, his voice in the morning was definitely twice as deep. Hearing it so close to his ear wasn't doing Till's heart any good.

"I can't sleep with the sun poking my fucking eyelids..." he protested in a whisper, trying to act nonchalant about the fact that Ivan was pressed right up against his back.

Letting out a groan that gave Till goosebumps, Ivan nuzzled closer to Till's shoulder before slowly opening one eye and placing his chin in the space between Till's neck and shoulder.

After confirming that it was, in fact, impossible to sleep facing the outer wall, Ivan immediately closed his eyes and grumbled. Then, he tightened his grip around Till and turned him around the bed until he was facing the inner wall and therefore no longer having sunlight over his face.

Till was speechless. He hadn't expected Ivan to move him around so easily. He couldn't put up a fight or prevent Ivan from moving him around like a doll. Now the cold wall was right in his face, and he welcomed it, pressing his burning forehead into it. He knew Ivan was strong, but experiencing it first-hand and feeling so helpless around him did not help Till to keep his cool.

“Ivan.” 

No response. 

“Ivan!” 

“Ngh…” another soft groan.

“Ivan, move, I need to breathe.”

“.. no.” He mumbled in a pouty tone, tightening his grip around Till and nuzzling in closer.

“Ugh–. Ivan!” 

Smiling softly against Till's exposed shoulder, he kept his eyes closed and continued to do as he pleased. Not that Till could do anything about it. He was tempted to squirm and try to struggle his way out, but a bigger part of him wanted to stay in Ivan's warm embrace and laze the whole weekend away.

However, he pushed the thoughts away and tried to create some distance before it was too late to return to reality.

“Ivan, you're too fucking hot. Move.” In an attempt to sound bothered, he spat out the words in a cold tone.

A soft whine escaped Ivan's lips as he slowly opened his eyes.

"God, you're too loud in the morning... Can't I have five more minutes?" But he still didn't let go.

"The bed is big enough for two if you move aside."

"You don't like it in my arms? I thought you did, seeing as you willingly crawled between them in the middle of the night.”

Till's body tensed up again at the sound of Ivan's voice. He wasn't sure whether what he said was true or if he was just messing with him.

"T-that's...! It's just because I'm used to sleeping with a pillow. Nothing else...”

"Oh, so I'm just a pillow you toss aside when it gets too hot?" Ivan asked, pouting, as he pulled Till closer to him, resting his chin on Till's messy hair.

“Ugh! I never said that! Anyway! How am I the one clinging to you when you're the one hugging me!?”

Ivan smiled and chuckled lightly. Avoiding the question, he started to move the fingers of his right hand, which was still underneath Till's head.

“Ah…maybe you should move. I can't feel my arm anymore.”

“That's what I've been trying to–! Don't avoid the question, asshole!"

Laughing a little more, Ivan suddenly pressed himself fully against Till. He pressed his chest onto Till's back, his hips pushed against his bottom, and his biceps surrounded him as if to make sure he was really there.

Till was pouting, feeling extremely embarrassed and trying to think straight despite having just woken up to his crush being cuddled up to him. So, when Ivan pulled him in more tightly, as if trying desperately to hold on to him, he immediately crumbled. He succumbed to the suffocating warmth of his embrace and let himself enjoy such a silly moment between them. But this sweet, innocent thought didn't last long as he felt a familiar hardness pressing against him.

“Ivan!” Till immediately complained, squirming and trying to slide out of his arms, but to no avail.

"Hmm... don't move... you're gonna make it worse..." he whispered softly, sniffing the top of Till's head gently.

“Asshole–.”

"It's not my fault I'm a healthy man... It's your fault for moving around so much while you sleep.” Chuckling lightly, Ivan moved his hand from Till's waist to his hip, holding him tighter.

“How is it my fault? You should have dropped me off the bed then!" Feeling his body react to Ivan's touch, Till protested, focusing his eyes on the empty wall in front of him and trying to remain as cool as it.

"I'm not that cold… Also, I'm trying my best to be a good friend to you."

"You could have slept on the other bed."

“...”

“...”

“Anyway!” Ivan smiled and rolled over, still holding Till in his arms.

Now, Till's body was pressed firmly between the mattresses and Ivan's. At first, he felt tense and uneasy, but as soon as Ivan gently kissed the nape of his neck, the shivers ironically calmed his anxiety and made him lean into the expectation of more.

“Yesterday you complained about me dismissing you anytime I needed a hand. So...” Ivan started speaking in soft whispers right into Till's ear, making him shiver once more. “Will you lend me your body for a while?”

Trying to glance over his shoulder, Till panicked again at the sound of the whispers and grabbed the sheets.

“W-wait wait wait– I never said you could just–!”

“Don't worry.” Ivan chuckled softly, his hands now gripping Till's hips. “I'm not going that far. I won't even undress you. Please?”

The teasing way Ivan begged in his ear, gave Till a whole new set of goosebumps. It was difficult to focus when all he could think or feel was Ivan. How his fingers dug into the hem of his shorts, holding his hips in place. The way his hot breath collided with his warm earlobe as he spoke so seductively. He could also smell Ivan's scent, wafting from his pillow right into his face.

Clicking his tongue, he hugged the pillow and hid his face in it.

“J-just…because I like… to be fair…okay?” He mumbled softly, giving up to whatever Ivan intended to do to him.

Ivan chuckled once again before softly biting Till's earlobe. “I'll be gentle.”

After those words, which sent Till's brain into overdrive, Ivan continued to softly kiss and lick the areas he could reach, given their position and the loose collar of Till's top: the back of his neck and his ear.

At first, he just tasted Till's skin, enjoying its warmth and his soft breaths and gasps, while gripping his hips tightly but harmlessly. Then, he slowly started to thrust his hips, rubbing himself against Till's bottom. As promised, he didn't try to undress Till, nor did he undress himself. He simply grinded against him while resting his head in the tempting space between his neck and shoulders.

At first, Till was a little confused, but as soon as he felt Ivan pressing against his skin, the barrier of cloth could not prevent him from getting a clear sense of Ivan's size right over his back. It was a sensation he couldn't quite describe, but basically he felt teased. It was as if the possibility was close yet out of his reach.

Ivan's weight pressing down on him only heightened the sensations because he felt trapped and helpless. He was defenseless under the body he wanted to learn every possible detail of. He was unable to move or do anything, and strangely, that felt good. The idea of being completely at the mercy of another person didn't make him as uneasy as he would have first thought.

But maybe that was just because it was Ivan who had the control. And he was fucking into that.

Ivan, on the other hand, was trying so hard to not lose control of himself. Till's submissive obedience wasn't helping with the task. Part of him wanted to test his limits further, but he had also promised to respect a boundary that Till had made clear several times. Even if he felt that Till's body would disagree, he wasn't going to let things go too far and ruin their newfound friendship. After all, they were friends. Friends don't go against each other's wishes, and friends don't do things they're told not to, right?

Ivan moved one hand from Till's hip to grip the sheets and pressed himself further into Till's rear. He noticed how much Till's soft body reacted to each thrust. Judging by the way Till's body trembled beneath his and the soft moans and gasps that escaped his mouth, Ivan knew he was no longer the only one aroused.

Feeling a bit more playful, he softly licked Till's ear before whispering huskily,

“Should we turn this around?” 

Every hair on Till's body stood on end at such a suggestion, and despite his frown, he couldn't hide the excitement spreading across his burning red face. The sideways glance from those teal eyes almost made Ivan whimper.

Despite the lack of a verbal response, the way Till propped himself up a little, as if trying to help with the change, gave Ivan all the hint he needed to push himself up, allowing room for Till to turn and face him.

Despite their harboured breaths, silence settled in the room as they stared into each other's eyes. As he had guessed, Till was as eager for attention as he was. Smiling playfully, Ivan continued to hover teasingly over the other's body without fully pressing himself down onto him again. This made Till impatient. The slightest flick of his eyebrow and shift of his gaze gave Ivan exactly what he wanted: to see Till wanting him as much as he wanted Till. At least for the time being, given the circumstances they were in. But that was all right with Ivan. To own even a little bit of Till's need and attention was all he needed.

Hiding his face in the crook of Till's neck again, Ivan moved his hands to his thighs. He pushed those legs slightly aside and positioned himself between them, hearing the soft whimper that escaped from Till's lips as he clung to his back involuntarily.

So adorable… I could devour you whole right now if you'd let me…

“So... Are you gonna do something or not?” His words made Ivan smile widely.

“Eager, are we?”

Without dropping his teasing demeanour, he took a deep breath and pressed his erection against Till's. Despite the barrier of cloth, it still felt heavenly. Who would have thought that dry humping in the morning could feel so good?

They were just grinding their dicks together through a full barrier of cloth, not skin-to-skin, and yet they were both feeling so much pleasure from this simple act. Getting a bit too enthusiastic about the idea, Ivan started to thrust his hips against Till's a bit too quickly. This made the other man grip him tighter, his rough movements almost shaking Till completely over the bed.

Ivan was tempted to look at Till's expression because he knew it would be delightful. But he also knew he was on the verge of losing control, so he had to avoid pushing himself any further. 

On the other hand, Till was overwhelmed by the whole thing. He knew their pants were thin, but they felt almost skin-to-skin on Ivan's side. He could bet he could feel his trousers growing wet, but not because of his own dripping; it was Ivan's. Seeing that he was able to get such a reaction from Ivan filled him with an overwhelming sense of pride. It was a feeling so greedy that it made Till want to get more out of Ivan.

Rushing in a bit too desperately and getting a bit too carried away, Ivan felt close to the edge of release. Till noticed his quickening pace and was going to warn him about getting too rough when reality hit him –literally. Ivan rushed in too quickly and hit his head on the bed's headboard.

"Ack–"

Stopping abruptly, Ivan lifted his face in a silly pout and rubbed the top of his head. Till blinked several times as he tried to comprehend what had happened. All he could hear was a loud, hollow sound, like hitting an empty coconut. Seeing Ivan holding his head finally made Till connect the dots, and he started to laugh out loud at the silly situation.

“Don't laugh!” Ivan pouted even more. “It hurts...”

“BWAHAHAHA!” Laughing almost maniacally, Till pulled Ivan in and gently ruffled his hair, despite his mocking response. “You really are an airhead! Haha!”

“Till…” Ivan whined softly, trying to stop himself from blushing. He was feeling a bit sad about the hit because his head hurt now. But mostly because his stupid mistake had completely ruined the heated moment and his climax.

Lifting his gaze from Till's chest, Ivan tried to find comfort in Till's mocking, laughing face. However, he was met with a soft, teal gaze, and he could have melted on the spot after seeing the way Till smiled down at him, as if he were the most precious thing in the world. It probably wasn't the way Till was looking at him, but it felt like it. So he wanted to indulge in that silly hope a little more.

“That's what you get for not being gentle.” Despite his scolding words, Till gently rubbed the spot where he had been hit, as if trying to soothe the pain.

“Sorry.” Ivan dropped his gaze as Till continued to rub his head.

“Why are you apologising? You got hit, not me.” Laughing softly, Till slowly moved his hand away from Ivan's head. Ivan immediately lifted his gaze as if requesting more comforting head pats.

Sighing slightly, Till propped himself up, causing Ivan to lift up too. His gaze immediately dropped to his wet pants, and before he could register what he was doing, he had grabbed the hem of Ivan's sweatpants and was peeking inside. This made Ivan completely forget about the bump on his head and feel the heat rush in all over again.

“The hit wasn't that bad. You didn't go soft … or are you a freak that's into pain?” Till raised an eyebrow as he glanced up at Ivan, who swallowed slowly. The question hung in the air, but it didn't matter. “... I'll take care of the rest safely so you don't hurt yourself again.”

Ivan let himself be pushed back and soon found his legs spread out over the bed while Till crawled down between them. He really didn't want to get his hopes up, like last time when they found themselves in a similar position, but…

“Since I insisted on you getting your…benefits, I should make things fair and equal between us, right?”

Ivan's world froze completely after Till said those words while pressing his cheek against his thigh.

...

She rushed her way through campus, her heels echoing in the empty hallways as she made her way towards the main entrance.

Usually, Mizi would spend her Friday nights partying or doing something else to escape the tedious work and lessons. However, since she had promised her girlfriend that she would not fail a single exam this term, she had spent the night before studying for her final one on Monday.

She had been taking everything seriously ever since Sua had expressed genuine concern about her lack of focus on her studies. She couldn't resist when Sua put on that cute, worried face; it made something inside her click into place.

Therefore, there she was. Awake early on a Saturday morning with no hangover and no crazy stories to tell anyone about last night. Not to mention the fact that she needed to find Ivan ASAP to confirm the information she had seen on social media that morning. But the man seemed to be missing.

After doing the work of the entire student council, letting them borrow the signatures and opinions of students that she had spent ages collecting, it seemed that Luna had finally received an answer from the director. Or at least that's what she implied with all the secrecy surrounding her Instagram stories. Asking around, she easily confirmed the fact about her reaching going to the head office, but the conclusions were still lacking. So of course, she would use her contacts to find out more about the information being kept from her.

As she fiddled with her phone, she saw messages from Sua asking how long she was going to wait for her. Sighing, Mizi tried to call Ivan one last time, looking exasperated.

She had already called him over five times that morning, but he hadn't picked up any of them. Now that it was almost past midday, she found herself trying again before leaving campus to enjoy the rest of her day with Sua.

She had studied so hard during the week, making sure not to leave anything for the weekend so that they could spend it together. However, with the party on her mind, she couldn't just leave without putting her mind at rest. Would it happen? Had it finally been approved? She really needed to know!

“Come on, pick up! Pick up!” She pouted and mumbled under her breath as the phone only gave her dial tones in reply.

But just as she was about to give up, a glimmer of hope appeared in the form of absent-minded Till walking towards her from the corridors that led to the boys' dorms.

“Till!” 

Mizi exclaimed his name cheerfully and rushed over to him as soon as she spotted him with her big, lime eyes. She could have sworn his reaction was a bit over the top, as if he had been caught red-handed, but she didn't have time to ask questions as she was in a hurry to be alone with her girlfriend.

"Oh...! Mizi, haha... it's you. H-Hi.” Nervously scratching the back of his head, Till gave her a little smile.

"It's weird catching you here at the weekend! I should be the one surprised.” She joked, flapping her hand and letting out a loud laugh.

“Yeah, I know…” Clearing his throat, Till finally seemed to relax a bit, as if he knew that she hadn't noticed what he was doing and therefore he was safe to continue.

“Oh, so you must know if Ivan's on campus, right?”

Till immediately tensed again at the mention of Ivan. Mizi noticed this and simply smiled.

They're so obvious.

“Y-yeah… He was showering or something I think… uh but he should be coming here already… Why? Do you need something from him?”

"You bet! That sneaky bastard has been ignoring my calls all morning! I don't know what his excuse is, but come on! I'm his bestie! He shoulda reply. It's important!”

There it was again. As soon as she mentioned Ivan, she could easily tell that Till's eyes had widened unconsciously and he had briefly glanced away from her. Almost as if he were guilty of something.

She wasn't going to mention it, but she had definitely noticed.

“I'll tell him to get to you then…” 

Mizi understood the implication of Till's words. It was as if he was waiting for Ivan to come and meet him. They probably had plans to do something together... Or not. Because if the conclusions she and Sua had come to after sharing what they knew about them weren't too far off the mark, the least she should do is let them handle the situation on their own.

“No need to! I'll wait here with you!”

“Oh…o-okay.” Till bit his lip slightly, and she could tell that he wasn't happy with her decision, but he didn't want to confront her about it.

Soon after, Ivan finally appeared in the distance. At first, he openly waved at Till, but as soon as he saw Mizi pop out from behind Till with a smile, he looked surprised.

“Ivanny! You finally appear!” Mizi rushed into the hallway, walking past Till with a big grin, and immediately threw herself around Ivan's neck in an overly affectionate manner.

“Oof– careful there. I can't hold my stance as well as usual.” Chuckling softly, Ivan grabbed the girl by the waist until she stepped back and smiled at him.

Soon, Till caught up to them, too. Taking the opportunity as Mizi stepped aside, Ivan held out his arms and smiled at Till.

“No big hug from you, too?”

Till rolled his eyes and frowned, giving him a 'seriously?' look despite his reddening cheeks.

“In your dreams.”

“Okay then, you gave me permission. Don't complain later.”

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Till snorted.

“You'll find out soon enough!” Ivan chuckled and smiled from ear to ear.

Mizi watched their exchange, smiling, her eyelashes batting every time she shifted her gaze from Till to Ivan. It was like watching a ping-pong match. Just one involving a lot of certain tension that she wasn't sure she wanted to pry into. Glancing at her phone, she checked the time. If she let them continue, she would miss her cue to arrive on time for her date. Once she found her opportunity, she cut in between their banter, preventing them from diverting their attention elsewhere despite her still being in the middle of it.

“I see you two are finally on better terms! I'm glad! That means we can start hanging out together again, right?”

Both men glanced at her, looking confused. Till frowned and Ivan had wide, goofy eyes, as if he had no thoughts behind them.

Mizi simply giggled, and before they could complain, she dragged them both out of the campus, her arms entangled in theirs.

Sua probably wouldn't mind if she brought those two along on their date for a while... right?

...

“I don't understand why you had to bring these two along on our date, sweetie.” Sua munched on some of the strawberries from her and Mizi's shared sundae while giving both guys a death stare.

This caused Till to stiffen in his seat, while Ivan smiled even wider and leaned over to annoy her.

“I missed you too, sweet little Sua!” He greeted her in a cutesy tone.

“Ugh.” Grumbling under her breath, the dark-haired girl glanced away, focusing her purple eyes on something more interesting: Mizi.

“Haha, come on! It's been like ages since the four of us got together like this. Can you let them be for a while, pretty please~?” Twirling a strand of her long pinkish hair and using her cutest tone, Mizi pleaded in her puppy-dog eyes to Sua.

“But jelly—.”

“Nu-uh, no buts! You said you'd reward me if I passed all my exams without having to take any extras!”

Unable to deny it, Sua sighed and glanced down at the glass, reluctantly dropping her complaints about the masculine presence at the table.

At least for now.

In response, Mizi hugged Sua and kissed her repeatedly on the cheek, making Sua blush slightly and erasing her pout.

Ivan and Till exchanged a sideways glance. Neither of them said anything, but they both reached their own conclusions.

They didn't actually have any plans for the morning. Till wanted to suggest having breakfast, but he was still feeling a bit too conscious of Ivan's presence after what had happened in bed. As for Ivan, he just wanted to stick as close as possible to wherever Till was going. So, when Mizi suggested they should join her and Sua, who just so happened to have a brunch date, they couldn't bring themselves to refuse.

It wasn't exactly what they wanted, but they had already learned to settle for less.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Ivan broke the silence that had settled, speaking first. He was having a great time, glancing at Mizi as he spoke to her. She was still clinging to Sua’s side, and he could easily feel the daggers those purple eyes were shooting at him through whenever he looked at her. This obviously amused him, which just bothered Sua even more.

“Ah, right! Remember the party? I heard Luna went to see the director yesterday evening. But she refused to let on what the final decision was about...”

“Ah, that. You're certainly well-informed when it comes to gossip...” Ivan chuckled lightly. All eyes at the table were now on him. But he was most aware of the teal, sharp ones, which were now awaiting his next words curiously. Ivan shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea.”

“What!?” Mizi exclaimed exasperatedly. "What do you mean you don't!?"

“I was busy all morning. I couldn't respond to messages or calls.”

Till almost spat out his sip of iced coffee. He managed to keep it to a minor choke, hoping no one had noticed.  

But Sua caught sight of it from the corner of her eye... Mizi was slightly concerned after hearing his sudden cough... And Ivan smiled broadly as he scrolled down his phone, having anticipated this reaction to his words.

In conclusion, he was not being slick.

"Yeah, it seems like Luna told me she managed to get past the director. But...” He read the messages quickly, taking everything in as he went. "She also said that we need to mask the party if we want it to officially happen."

"What do you mean by masking?”Mizi tilted her head, confused.

"We have to think of some kind of event to put on as a front for it..."

After hearing Ivan, Mizi nuzzled her cheek against Sua's shoulder and put on a thoughtful expression. Seeing that she was more focused on partying than eating, Sua reached out to scoop some of the sundae onto her spoon and bring it to Mizi's mouth. She ate it mindlessly while humming, lost in thought.

Till looked at everyone at the table. He felt a little excluded from the conversation. He knew about the party because Mizi had told him the other day, but how had things moved on so quickly? How did everyone else seem to know, but him?

He also felt a certain awkwardness seeing Mizi and Sua being so clingy with each other. It was true that he was intruding on their date, but he also felt a pang of jealousy, wanting what they had, but with...

His teal eyes gave Ivan a side glance. Ivan saw through Till's perplexing scowl and proceeded to explain.

"Since we're requesting it to be an official college event held on campus, we can't just call it a party and make it happen. The director needs us to word it differently so that he can assure us that we won't get in trouble if we get caught partying that night.”

Till nodded softly as Ivan spoke. “So he's not against it happening, then?”

“Not completely. He does think it's a good opportunity to bring all the students together and do something special. He understands that we're young and need to party, but he can't officially allow it without an excuse.”

“Then I'm just so glad I found you too, Till!” Mizi suddenly spoke up, a bright beam in her eyes.

Till was confused again, not following the conversation at all.

“Me?” He pointed at himself and glanced over at Mizi.

“Yes! Totally!” He was a little surprised by her sudden enthusiasm, but let her finish.“You’ve always been good at coming up with creative ideas and stuff. So I'm counting on you and your artistic brainstorming skills!”

Till scratched the back of his head, laughing nervously at the sudden praise. Ivan's eyes were fixed on him, watching his every reaction around Mizi.

"I think you're giving me more credit than I deserve..."

“Total BS! I know I can count on you, Till!" Mizi grabbed one of Till's hands with both of hers across the table, glancing at him with stars in her lime eyes.

Sua sighed as she made a cherry dance on her spoon. "You know, when it comes to parties, nothing motivates Mizi more. So you'd better work that brain of yours, dumbass.”

Till sighed, trying not to get too nervous about the sudden pressure on his shoulders.

Ivan, sitting next to him, watched as Mizi's slim, slender fingers clasped Till's nervous hand.

“So far, Luna has suggested sightseeing at night or holding a festival like the ones we do in summer, but at night.” Ivan explained calmly, going back to look at his phone.

“But that lacks the party thing.” Till pointed out, raising an eyebrow as he let out a breath when Mizi finally released his hand. He was feeling the full force of a pair of purple eyes piercing his soul.

“Totally! We need something to dance to! Something to bring us closer! We can't do all that boothing and prepare that much stuff in just three weeks... We need something a bit lighter.” Mizi pouted, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms over her barely covered chest.

“Something to dance to…” Till repeated under his breath, playing with the ice in his coffee. Then, it hit him. It was almost like a lightbulb had lit up in his head. “What about a music festival?”

Everyone's eyes focused on him again. Sua and Ivan almost had the same ‘elaborate further’ kind of look, while Mizi almost jumped in excitement in her seat.

“We can make it like a contest, small concert or something. Singing, acting, or playing instruments underneath the stars. Probably lots of people would be interested in participating and with three weeks of preparation they could at least pull off something slightly decent. Most people in clubs already have stuff prepared for other things, so it wouldn't be as tightly scheduled I… guess.” Till finally took a sip of his drink as he finished his explanation. 

“Ohhh! I know of a certain senior that would LOVE to go up to sing on stage.” Mizi exclaimed excitedly. “WAIT. We can go on stage too!” She suddenly grabbed both of Sua's hands, making the other girl startle a little bit as she was suddenly found shaken up by her girlfriend's outburst of energy. “And Till! You could go up and play your guitar! OMG, OMG! Yes! I see this totally happening. Right, right!?” 

Mizi was now looking at Ivan for approval, as she still shook Sua's hands. 

The black haired girl glanced at him too, as if silently pleading for him to say yes before she ripped her hands off.

Ivan laughed softly and deliberately delayed his response to see Sua's frown form and deepen as the seconds went by.

“Sure. I can ask Luna what she thinks. But I think it's a good idea as long as we get enough people to make that concert happen.”

“Yay!” Mizi excited celebration yelp almost resonated around all the café, despite the busy ambience.

After that, there was no stopping her. She rambled about what she was going to wear with Sua if they went on stage. What to sing, what to dance to. She also mentioned several times about that senior that was going to totally rock the stage with her powerful stage presence. And after a long half an hour –or even more– peace finally came when Sua managed to calm down Mizi by reminding her she still had a pending date with her at the present, before she could fully focus on the party-festival thing in the future.

Being left alone, Till and Ivan glanced at each other in silence before letting out a soft laugh at unison.

“She really does love partying. I don't know how she handles all of it…” Till commented while playing with the melting ice at the bottom of his empty cup.

“Maybe she does have a special energy storage for all of it… who knows. What's good it's that both of you have done all the work for me.” Ivan smiled as he chuckled once again, resting his chin over the palm of his hand, face turned towards Till.

Rolling his eyes, Till smirked slightly. “Then, does that make me the true President of the students council?”

“Sure, what would Mr.President like to do now that he's in charge?” Ivan whispered softly while leaning in a bit.

“Hmmm… Forbidding fails on exams–. I just remembered I can't be as carefree going around worrying about parties, since I failed my Art History exam.” Sighing deeply Till rested his head over the table.

“You failed?” Ivan raised one of his eyebrows.

“Yeah… I could barely concentrate at all–. Basically left the exam blank.”

Ivan blinked repeatedly as he tilted his head confused.

“What got you so distracted to leave the exam blank?”

Till glanced at him from over his arms. He frowned slightly, and even pouted too. Just that Ivan couldn't see it because half his face was covered by his arm. 

“Oh…” As in realisation, Ivan let out a soft hum and his smile started to widen with that mischievous spark.

Till sighed, and rolled his face back to hide between his arms. Speaking up before Ivan could start to tease him further despite being in a public space.

“Whatever… I have the exam again on Thursday.”

“Thursday… that's the day of my match, too.”

Till lifted up his head and glanced at Ivan with a tilted head. “Really?”

“Yeah. Have you forgotten?”

“No…I mean. I just didn't recall the exact day… So it's Thursday evening?”

“Yeah.”

“You think you'll be able to play it?”

“Hmm…” Ivan glanced down at his ankle and circled it around a bit. “If I make sure to rest till then, maybe. What about you? Can you memorize all the stuff by Thursday?”

“Hmm…” Till leaned back in his seat, dropping his head back and glancing up at the ceiling. “Maybe. I just need to find some good memorising method or something…”

Ivan nodded softly and hummed a bit. Then an idea popped into his head. And he smirked slightly.

“I know a few tricks, y'know?” Till glanced at him wondering whether he was messing around or not. And he totally sensed he was, but one part of him wanted to trust the star student about…well, studying. 

“So?”

“I could help you. And you can help me take care of my ankle till the match.”

Till raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean with that…? You're good as long as you don't force it–”

“I might hurt myself involuntarily if I'm left with no supervision.”

Till blushed as a certain moment from this morning popped into his mind. Trying to not look affected by it, he scoffed. “What are you? A kid?”

“Maybe.” Ivan chuckled.

“What's it you really want, Ivan? Just say so.” He grumbled as he fully faced the other. Like sky and night, their eyes glanced back and drowned in each other's.

“Stay. Spend the nights on campus. In the dorms. With me.”

Till didn't want to, but his cheeks flushed bright red as soon as Ivan's words reached his ears. Maybe the fact the other almost unconsciously pleaded it with a soft tone didn't help at all.

“And you will help me study?”

“I'll give you my best tricks to get that info flowing and staying into your brain.”

Till hesitated for a while, but then he sighed. What did he have to lose? So far it was not a bad deal…

“Why are you so insistent on me sleeping on campus?” Pouting softly he simply played with the tip of the spoon on his empty glass, still resting his cheek over his arms.

Because I want you to be the last thing I close my eyes to and the first thing I see in the morning. Ivan thought. Biting his words, he playfully added.

“I won't assault you in your sleep, if that's what you're worried about. That's more like a you thing.”

“You little–!” Till immediately sprung up his head and raised a hand threateningly at Ivan.

He never threw the punch. 

“Don't worry, you have my consent to do so, so I guess it's not assault anymore? Ack–!”

This time Till did punch him in the shoulder, but Ivan simply chuckled softly as the hit wasn't too powerful.

“You're an asshole.”

“You’ve said that a thousand times.”

“And you haven't answered my question.” Ivan pressed his lips and simply smiled at him. Till's eyebrows finally relaxed as he softly let go of a deep breath he had been holding in. “Okay, okay…. I'll sleep on campus.”

“Yay–.”

“Starting Monday. I have plans I can't miss this weekend, so I should actually get going…” 

Ivan's happiness slowly faded into the back as the disappointment of him not having time to spend with him on the weekend clicked in.

“Oh… okay then. See you on Monday?”

Till slowly rose up his chair and nodded softly.

“Yeah, see you on Monday, asshole.” And flicked his forehead with a grin which only left Ivan slightly confused behind as Till walked to pay for his coffee.

After waving goodbye to Till, Ivan stood and stared at his empty cup for a while, thinking about what to do for the rest of the day. With Till away and Mizi and Sua out on a date, Ivan was alone and didn't want to go back to rest on campus. Being on his own with his thoughts was the hardest thing of all. However, having to force himself to interact with people who didn't really care about him was even more exhausting.

When he felt his phone buzz with a message from Luna, he let out a sigh. He couldn't keep pushing his life further away just because he was stubbornly clinging onto his private paradise.

As he went to pay for his sundae, he was shocked to discover that Till had left, having paid his share of the bill.

Since you like things fair and equal, this means I get a chance to invite you next time, right?

Smiling softly, Ivan went back to focusing on organising that party/concert thing for his friends. 

Chapter Text

As Till walked out of the café, he took a deep breath and let the soft breeze caress his face and fill his lungs.

When it came to Ivan, he found himself in a difficult position, unable to say no. It had taken all his willpower not to give in and spend even more time with him.

Thankfully, he had a good reason to excuse himself from the situation. He really did have plans. Plans that he couldn't change no matter what. He had to go to work. Not right away, but he still had a busy evening ahead. So he didn't feel too bad about telling Ivan that he had to go. At least, not completely. Because another part of him was screaming at him for wasting such a good opportunity to spend time with Ivan. However, the words Ivan had told him this morning were still fresh in his mind, tempting him to stray from the path of normality. He knew they would end up in bed together again if they were left alone for too long. Or even worse, they wouldn't even need a bed to do whatever they would end up doing.

On the one hand, he was thankful to Mizi. Thinking about it calmly, it was for the best that they had been dragged out of the campus with the girls. Otherwise, he would have let himself be convinced to go back to the room with Ivan.
On the other hand, he was also a little bothered by the fact that he needed help to ask Ivan out to get something to eat. He wanted to do things right, but his mind and body were at war with each other, unable to agree on how to proceed, each interpreting things differently. As his body usually won, Till was mentally drained.
He needed a break, to distract himself or find a way to prevent his mind from allying with his body so frequently.

The day ahead threatened to be a long one. He wouldn't have trouble keeping himself busy at work, but how to face the week ahead without giving in to temptation would be the most troublesome task.

Sighing, he took his phone out of his pocket. Having already fixed the clasp, his charm dangled from the case once again.

A reminder of an appointment popped up on his screen, making him hesitate for a moment.

Right... that was today, too.

Unconsciously, Till went to caress his lower lip and swallowed slowly. He could still feel Ivan on his tongue, and the thought made him blush deeply as he hurried towards the piercing shop…

A few hours ago.

After pulling down Ivan's sweatpants, he was greeted by the delightful sight of Ivan's erect cock standing free underneath his pants. This explained why the grinding felt so intense. Ivan wasn't wearing any underwear.

Raising one eyebrow, Till spoke.

“The hit wasn't that bad. You didn't go soft … or are you a freak that's into pain?” Seeing Ivan gulping down softly, he knew he wouldn't get an answer to his question. He could easily tell by the way Ivan glanced at him. What he wanted. What he needed. It was as clear as day. And he was willing to give it to him. “... I'll take care of the rest safely so you don't hurt yourself again."

Not knowing what had come over him, Till gently pushed Ivan back and crawled down between his legs. He could sense the growing tension, desperation and desire in Ivan. Despite having found himself enjoying the lack of control, he now wanted a taste of it too.

“Since I insisted on you getting your… benefits , I should make things fair and equal between us, right?” Pressing his cheek against Ivan's thigh and seeing his muscles tense made him feel oddly satisfied and proud of his mischievous behaviour. It made him want to push it further. Oh, maybe what he wanted wasn't control after all. But to test the limits until he was put in place. Like a brat .
The idea and discovery made him shiver with excitement.

Smirking slightly, he pulled down Ivan's sweatpants quickly without moving his face too far away from the crotch area. 

“So… no boxers?”

“I usually sleep naked…” Ivan whispered in a husky tone in response, which made Till's heart thump faster in his chest.

He didn't comment on it further, just let out a soft 'oh' before tracing a vein on Ivan's dick with his fingertip.

Gently, teasingly. Testing Ivan's patience.

And every time he glanced up, he was left satisfied by the expression Ivan was making. He knew Ivan was struggling not to get his hopes up while he gave him all the hints that he was going to suck him off. He planned to eventually, but the chance to tease him back a bit, after being so submissive and obedient, was all too tempting to let it slide.

Ivan, on the other hand, wasn't sure which he preferred more. Was it Till's submission or his rebellious side? Both were too much for him to keep his desire under control. He could easily see the mischief in Till's teal eyes whenever they met. But there was still a hint of bashfulness behind them because Till wasn't good at maintaining eye contact and would always look away. Perhaps it was because Ivan was watching him too intently, or maybe Till just preferred to focus on Ivan's hard cock. The reason didn't matter, though, because the act was making him crazy.

“So, are you gonna do something or not?” Ivan whispered huskily, repeating the same words he had used not long ago. He kept a smirk on his lips. It made Till's eyebrow twitch slightly as he struggled to maintain his cocky demeanour. Because, despite everything, it proved that Ivan was still in control.

To tease him further, Till opened his mouth, bringing his tongue out and bringing Ivan's erection closer. He glanced up and met Ivan's dark eyes, which were fixated on him. Then he moved his head up, pressing Ivan's hard cock onto his tongue.
Ivan didn't mean to; it was more of an unconscious impulse but... as soon as Till's tongue touched him, one of his hands went to rest on Till's head, grabbing some of his hair harmlessly.

Till's cheeks blushed deeper as he tried to contain a whine that escaped his lips as soon as he felt Ivan's fingers in his hair. His tongue now rested back in his mouth, despite his lips being pressed slightly into Ivan's tip.

Realising his actions with a delay, Ivan blinked softly and slowly moved his hand away. Or tried to, since one of Till's hands grabbed his wrist and placed it back over his head.

No words were needed. They exchanged glances and knew exactly what to do with each other.

Ivan moved to grab a few loose strands of Till's hair at the nape of his neck. Till simply stuck his tongue out again to cover Ivan's erection in saliva once more. Soft moans escaped his mouth as he tried to leave no part of Ivan's erection untouched, while Ivan bit his lower lip and let out some needy, low moans.

"Till..." Hearing his name come from those lips felt like both an order and a plea. It was as if, with just a single word, Ivan was telling him to stop teasing and give him what he wanted.
But Till wasn't up to the task of obeying, despite his body reacting intensely to the command.
Wetting his lips as he caught his breath, Till leaned in again, gently wrapping his lips around the tip and sucking slightly. This was enough to make Ivan grab his hair tighter and curse under his breath, giving Till goosebumps with his sexy groan.

“Till…” this time it was more like a reminder, a soft command. Till glanced up and met Ivan's desperate gaze. He smirked, took the cock out of his mouth again and licked a vein he had already memorised with his tongue.
Ivan's jaw tensed and his free hand gripped the sheets. He was clearly not happy about it, but it still felt good, so he couldn't complain too much. He just chuckled softly while twirling a strand of Till's hair between his fingers.

“So, you not only want me to beg to suck you off, but you also want me to do so to get it back too? That's so unfair...” Ivan joked, his voice low and sultry, making Till shiver and blush as he was reminded of the time Ivan's mouth had been all over him. This made his own need rise even more.

“I'm being fair… you teased me a lot too.” He protested, settling his lips at the base and fiddling with his tip, squeezing it softly and making tickling circles around it.

Ivan immediately closed his eyes to stop them from rolling back and tightened his grip on Till's hair. He already had a fistful of hair in his grip.

“Till.” That was the last straw for Ivan. There was no room for a reply in Ivan's tone this time. It was firm, authoritative and desperate. All of Till's hair stood on end and he whined softly at the gentle tug on his hair.

“I'll give you more than fair…” he mumbled softly in a pout before moving his lips back at the tip.
To be honest, he was a little nervous about it. He hadn't done anything like this before and wanted it to feel good, so he wasn't sure how to proceed. But he also knew that, given how hard Ivan was, he would take whatever he could get at this point, even a sloppy blowjob.

At first, he only took the tip in again. After glancing up at Ivan as if looking for approval, however, he felt the full pressure of the lust behind his eyes, so he pushed himself in a bit more.

Therefore, he ended up having Ivan completely take over again. This time, however, it wasn't the full weight of his body on top of him, but the suffocating warmth of his length in his mouth, almost brushing his throat. He had only managed to fit around half of it in, but he was a little afraid to push any deeper. But Ivan certainly wouldn't complain now, would he? He was already being more than fair to him, given that he had just taken his tip.

Despite his fingers still being buried in Till's scalp, Ivan eased his grip, noticing how nervous Till was. He smiled softly at Till and ruffled his hair, which made Till's cheeks burn even more. Oh, what a sight. He looked so cute with that expression on his face: mouth full of him, furrowed brows and eyes looking up for approval.

"You're so cute..." Ivan purred. This made Till scowl, probably because he thought Ivan was teasing him. But he wasn't; he was being honest. He really did look adorable at that moment.

Then, Till grabbed the rest of his cock with both hands and proceeded to bob his head up and down while sucking him slightly, making sure to press the tip against the inside of his cheek every time he took as much in as he could. It was clumsy and slow, and not at all like it was in porn videos. But for Ivan, it was more than he could have ever imagined. Given his circumstances, he could have just come from the sight of it.

He put up quite a fight, though, holding on with all his might. He wanted to see how far Till would go, how much he could handle, and how fair he was willing to be. But, truth be told, he had already received too much stimulation to last long.

So, once Till had become more confident in his abilities, it only took four or five more sucks for Ivan to start ejaculating onto his tongue. To Ivan's surprise, Till opened his eyes and glanced straight at him, catching sight of his climaxing expression while keeping Ivan's twitching cock as deep in his mouth as possible. Even more surprisingly, Ivan had to push Till away to get his dick out of his mouth, since he had started to swallow his load, overstimulating his half-hard cock as if tempting him to get hard again.

Ivan was sure that the image of Till's red, wet lips gasping for air, still tied to his dick with a trail of saliva, would haunt him in his deepest sleep. Regaining his breath, Ivan moved his hand from Till's head, and he dropped back onto the bed, facing the ceiling, as he returned to Earth from his cloud of pleasure.

After their ragged breaths had calmed down, silence settled between them. Ivan didn't look back at Till until he heard the sound of rustling bedsheets and felt his weight leave the bed.

“Where are you going…?” Propping himself up on his elbows, Ivan glanced at Till, who had stopped right beside him. His dark eyes immediately lowered to focus on Till's erection. “What about you?” he whispered, before lifting his gaze.

Till followed his eyes and looked up immediately. His cheeks were still a bit red, but the cutest thing was the way the tip of his ears tinted pink as well.

"It wouldn't be fair if I let you take care of it again."

Ivan raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

"You've already done so much for me. If I let you do it once more, I'll still owe you." He explained, pouting. This made Ivan clench his fists, as he was desperate to jump at those lips and pin him back to the bed.

"So that means you won't let me touch you until you've licked my ass, then?" Ivan teased, chuckling.

Till just closed his eyes and blushed, which only made Ivan laugh harder. “I-I mean…! I don't necessarily have to do the same! Just–”

“Okay, okay, tomato. I get it. A fair and equal exchange. It's not like I wanted you to do that anyway."

Till groaned; he really wanted to protest, but he could easily feel the blush spreading across his face, if not his whole body. “I'll go and have a shower.”

"Can't I at least see you jerking it?”

“What!?” N-no! Freaky asshole!”

Groaning and frowning, Till tried to make his way into the bathroom. Ivan chuckled and grabbed his wrist, making him stop again.

“What now!?” he asked in a harsh tone, which made Ivan smile widely.

“You can consider us even now. Next time, let's both be satisfied. Yes?”

Till blinked repeatedly as he tried to process Ivan's words. Then he averted his gaze and answered in a pouty tone. “...okay”

Ivan's smile softened as he released Till's wrist. As soon as he did so, Till rushed to the bathroom, locked himself in and turned on the shower.
Lying flat on the bed again, Ivan closed his eyes as he heard the shower running behind him. He tried his best to restrain himself from imagining what Till was up to in the shower.

…

The only sound in the empty room was the sound of his pen hitting the table. He flicked it between his fingers as he tried to make sense of the paperwork in front of him.

It was already Monday, and despite his distracting thoughts of Till, Ivan had managed to keep himself busy over the weekend.
The proposal for a music festival had been approved, but now Ivan was trying to work out how to make things happen in practice, not just on paper.

The director had given him a list of things that needed to be settled if they wanted to make it possible.

Numbers were his strong point –having chosen to major in finance– and Ivan knew he could easily handle the budgeting side of things. That was as good as done. The next problem was dealing with the people who would help make it possible.

Sighing, Ivan leaned back in his chair and glanced at the ceiling. It had been a rough weekend, and Monday wasn't any better. Thanks to this council task and the impending match in just three days, he had filled up his schedule completely.
He looked down at his ankle. He had left the pressure bandage on, and it didn't feel uncomfortable anymore. He had been taking it easy and resting most of the time. Now, he was worried about going to the match completely unprepared due to a lack of training.

Maybe I should drop by the infirmary and ask for an expert opinion…

His eyes unconsciously drifted to his phone lying on the table.

...Or maybe I can ask my personal nurse what he thinks.

Smiling widely, Ivan picked up the device and started typing a message quickly with his thumbs on the screen.

(..◜ᴗ◝..) 14:21 pm.

Seen at 14:25 pm.

After waiting a few minutes, Ivan frowned slightly when he was left on read. So he typed again.

Till 14:29 pm.

? 14:42 pm.

Did you have lunch already? 14:42 pm.

i got a sandwich 14:48 pm.

??? 14:48 pm.

That means…? 14:49 pm.

already ate 14:52 pm.

im studying pls dont message if its not important 14:54 pm.

(ᴗ_ ᴗ。) 14:54 pm.

Are you in the room? 14:55 pm.

Should I go help you? 14:55 pm.

no 14:55 pm.

(ᵕ—ᴗ—) 14:56 pm.

Seen 14:58 pm.

Leaving his phone on the table, Ivan sighed and leaned back in his chair. He knew Till had an exam, but he was still disappointed by his dismissive attitude.

But he was always like this, wasn't he? So why did Ivan suddenly feel so rejected? Nothing had changed. Nevertheless, he couldn't help but feel disappointed. Why couldn't he figure out why it bothered him so much now?
Rubbing his face, Ivan resigned himself to having lunch on his own in the cafeteria.

Despite being surrounded by people and having to focus elsewhere as soon as he was spotted, the tightness on his chest didn't fade. If possible, it worsened. The fact that he hadn't crossed paths with Till, not even in the hallways, made Ivan even more upset. By the end of the day, he was exhausted. He went into the room absentmindedly, dragging his body along like a zombie. He noticed that Till wasn't there, which confused him slightly, but he simply shook his head.
He probably isn't going to stay after all…
While in the shower, Ivan rested his head on the tiles as the water ran over him. Glancing down at his chest, he could still feel the annoying tightness, so he pressed his hand against it, trying to make it stop. But all he managed to do was feel his anxious heart beating rapidly.

As he walked out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a small towel and wearing only a pair of loose sweatpants, the door to the room opened as if on cue. Till walked in, frowning, and his expression only deepened when he glanced at him –at least for the first three seconds, before he noticed his naked torso and his cheeks flushed instantly.

“Oh.” Ivan simply mumbled, continuing to dry his hair as he walked towards his bed as if nothing had happened. He completely ignored the screams in his mind telling him to greet Till with a smile and a hug, which only served to worsen the thick knot in his chest.

“Don't just ‘oh’ me, asshole!” Till protested, his irritation clear to see, which made Ivan stop midway and glance back at him with a raised eyebrow.

Till closed the door behind him, dropped his bag on the bed and walked closer to Ivan, fighting the urge to glance down at his tempting body.

“Where the fuck have you been!? First you tell me you'll help me, and then you ignore me? And what the hell is wrong with all those emojis? I don't understand anything!"

Ivan frowned slightly, feeling more attacked than he usually would be by Till's harsh tone.

“What do you mean? You were the one who said no." Ivan didn't even look at him as he continued to ruffle the towel over his hair.

“What?” Till glanced at Ivan as if he was making shit up or something of the sort. This made Ivan clench his fist slightly.

"I asked if I should go and help you. You told me no. So I didn't.” Ivan explained, as calmly as he could be at that moment.

Till took out his phone and looked at their conversation. As he reread the messages, he glanced back at Ivan with a scowl.

"No, I fucking didn't. Look.”

(..◜ᴗ◝..) 14:21 pm.

Till 14:29 pm.

? 14:42 pm.

Did you have lunch already? 14:42 pm.

i got a sandwich 14:43 pm.

??? 14:48 pm.

That means…? 14:49 pm.

 already ate 14:50 pm.

(ᴗ_ ᴗ。) 14:54

im studying pls dont message if its not important 14:54 pm.

Are you in the room? 14:55 pm.

no 14:55 pm.

Should I go help you? 14:55 pm.

k, im at the library 14:56 pm.

(ᵕ—ᴗ—) 14:56 pm.

? 14:59 pm.

signal sucks15:02 pm.

Ivan? 15:10 pm.

where are u 15:12 pm.

u coming or what? 16:25 pm.

??? 17:38 pm.

asshole 18:48 pm.

“That's not what I got…” The chat was a little different from what Ivan remembered. He frowned and went to his bag to check his phone, while Till continued to protest.

“I even fucking called you several times! So don't give me that look like I've done something wrong!”
Ivan simply groaned.

"Call me? Don't make me fucking laugh. My phone hasn't buzzed once today–.” Ivan stopped in his tracks, and then the thought hit him. His phone wasn't there. He had probably left it on the table in the student council office and forgotten to take it with him. He had been too busy in the nursery, having lunch while being pestered by his fan club, and then being dragged around by his teammates later on, so he hadn't had time to notice it was missing.

“I did! It’s not my fault you didn’t– Huh? W-what now?”

Ivan immediately sprang up and walked towards Till. The other man was surprised by how determined Ivan was, and took a step back. Soon, though, Ivan's arms were around his shoulders, and he was hugging him, dropping his head into the crook of Till's neck. Such a tight hug left Till feeling both confused and concerned.

“Ivan?” he softly muttered. He was going to reciprocate, but then he remembered that his torso was still exposed, which made him feel self-conscious, so he just hovered his hands over Ivan's back for a while. “U-ugh, you're still wet–! Move! You're going to get me drenched!"

Reluctantly, Ivan stepped back, glancing down at Till with a sulky expression. This made Till tone down his frustration. Ivan looked like a scolded big puppy.

“Sorry… I left my phone somewhere.” He muttered. “But … I didn't get your messages in that order.”

Till sighed. “I had no signal in the library, so it makes sense that the timestamps are all messed up. That's why I called you.”

"You know there's Wi-Fi at the library, right?"

“There is?”

“Yes?"

“...”

“...”

They stared at each other in silence for a while. Then Ivan started laughing out loud. Till simply pouted, feeling even more embarrassed.

“I-I didn't know…!”

"It's okay. I left my phone behind too, so it's nobody's fault."

“I guess…”Glancing to the side, Till sighed, still pouting.

Ivan felt a bit stupid, but also relieved. Once again, he had misunderstood the situation and thought that Till had been avoiding him all day, when in fact Till had been waiting for him all evening. He laughed at his own stupidity as he went to sit by his bed.

“So, you’re staying over?"

Till squeezed a damp patch on his shirt as he glanced up at Ivan. "Of course... I said I would. But you really need to help me study.”

“Yes! I will.” The intensity of Ivan's reply and his radiant smile made Till's heart flutter as he walked towards the bathroom with his pajamas in hand.

"Well, I'm counting on you then."

Pressing his lips together and shaking his head, Ivan spoke up again. “We almost fought over nothing…”

“It’s what we always do tho…”

“I guess...”

“Asshole.”

“Blockhead.”

Despite the insults they smiled at each other, and Till finally went into the bathroom leaving behind a pensive Ivan. Seemed like they would never change. Bickering over stupid misunderstandings. But at least they managed to solve it on their own... Somehow.

Was that a little sign of change?

...

Probably not.

Chapter Text

The alarm beeped too loudly for Till's liking. Groaning slightly, he tried to find his phone, rummaging underneath his pillow. Big was the surprise when what he grabbed wasn't his phone, but a warm, sweaty arm. He yelped immediately and sat up in bed, opening his eyes wide and glancing at his right side. 

“Ivan! What the hell are you doing in my bed?!"

As it turned out, he hadn’t been sleeping alone after all. Ivan was lying beside him on his side. The dark-haired man let out a soft groan and furrowed his brows as he passed his free arm over Till’s waist and pulled him closer, pushing him back onto the bed.

“You’re too loud in the mornings…” he protested, a sly smile on his lips.

“Get your hands off me! And don’t try to push me back onto the bed. I have an early lesson this morning.” Till immediately smacked down Ivan’s hand, earning a soft whine in response as Ivan withdrew it and cuddled up to the pillow instead.

Letting out a deep sigh, Till glanced at Ivan as he moved away from the sheets. As far as he could remember, nothing had happened between them last night after that kind of argument. They simply moved on, and after he came out of the shower, they turned off the lights and said goodnight. Each of them in their respective beds.

So when the hell had Ivan crawled under his sheets? And why hadn’t he even noticed!?

At least he seemed to be wearing pants, despite having told him last time that he used to sleep naked. He was shirtless and probably had no underwear on, but Till didn’t want to think too much about it. At least he wasn’t completely glued to his back this time, so he hadn’t ended up spooning him. He seemed more sleepy than anything else, so it was unlikely that they would find themselves in the same situation as on Saturday morning.

“You can’t just come into my bed whenever you want. If that was your plan all along, I won’t stay here.” Till scoffed, glancing down at Ivan, standing beside the bed with a frown on his face. He had his hands on his hips and a pout on his lips, speaking through his teeth.

Ivan smirked and whimpered softly while opening one eye, despite his messy bangs covering most of it. Still cuddling to the pillow –leaving aside the fact his biceps were on full display for Till to see– he kind of looked cute with that mischievous grin adorning his lips. But no. He needed to focus. He couldn't let Ivan have his way every time. They needed to set some boundaries. Even though he wanted to cuddle with him in bed every day, he shook his head and cleared his mind.

“It felt too cold overnight…” Ivan excused himself.

“Yeah, hell no! It’s almost summer, and it's warm at night too. You’re not fooling anyone.” Till protested, trying to stand firm, which made Ivan groan again as he nuzzled his face into Till’s pillow.

Fuck, he’s doing it on purpose... Till thought, battling to stop his cheeks from warming up thanks to his quickened heartbeat. The tips of his ears betrayed him, though.

Ivan noticed this and pressed further, sweetening his groggy tone. “I felt cold anyway…”

“Dress up warmly then. It's not my problem! You can’t just sneak in whenever you like.”

“Why not? You slept on my bed last time. Didn't you like it fair?” Ivan's smirk and teasing words made Till start to lose the battle against his cheeks. He really wanted to look serious and firm. However, he was unable to deny the other's words, and being reminded of his own embarrassing acts was making him lose his cool.

“T-that’s–. I didn't do it on purpose! I fell asleep watching the documentary. I didn't sneak onto your bed while you were asleep.” Till protested.

“But you still snuggled up to me while you were asleep–.”

"Anyway! You've already done it. So you can’t do it again.” He interrupted him, knowing he was losing the argument.

“Why not?” Ivan tilted his head and pressed his cheek onto the pillow. He was really making Till’s heart beat faster just by the way he was acting. Despite knowing it was an act of feigned innocence, Till couldn’t deny that he looked cute.

Focus, Till.

“Just no.” Scoffing, Till ended the conversation, trying to calm his flushed cheeks as he grabbed some clothes from the wardrobe. He then went to the bathroom to get ready for the day ahead.

Ivan simply chuckled as he continued nuzzling Till’s pillow. Till’s scent lingered in the sheets, mingling with his own, and filled his nostrils. Rolling over the spot where Till had been lying, he was surrounded by the other’s warmth and felt embraced by him despite his absence. This made his heart feel full and satisfied somehow.

The truth was that he had moved onto Till's bed overnight because he had been having trouble with a bad dream. Sitting by the edge of Till's bed and gently running his fingers through his soft, teal hair, he tried to calm himself down and seek some sort of comfort. At the feel of his touch, Till seemed to lean in a little, which satisfied Ivan. However, just as he was about to return to his own bed, he heard Till whisper his name in his sleep. He didn't know what Till was dreaming about, but seeing him smile after softly mumbling his name like that made Ivan's chest ache. So he decided to just sneak in. After all, Till had called for him. He didn't even stir when Ivan slid under the sheets beside him. He must have wanted him there... or so he told himself. He also convinced himself that he would go back to his own bed before sunrise.

However, his sleeping aid turned out to be stronger than he first thought.

Letting out a big yawn, Ivan sat up in bed with a smile all over his lips while he heard Till rummaging inside the bathroom.

He had slept through the night without interruption, despite usually struggling to close his eyes at all. The first time Ivan noticed this was when they slept together on Friday night, but yesterday he just corroborated it.

Till had made his way into his heart and was far deeper than he had originally thought.

And to make matters worse, it seemed as if his heart was in control of him for the day.

…

As agreed, they met after classes by the garden spot they were both already very familiar with. The reason was unknown to Till, but he preferred to think that Ivan knew they wouldn’t be able to study quietly if he was spotted in the library. Therefore, he suggested this place, knowing that nobody really took that much care to look between every bush, and that he could help Till study somewhere quiet.

Till preferred it that way too. Having spent all Monday evening in the library by himself, he had been unable to focus on what he was reading, despite having his headphones on with some lo-fi music playing. He was too aware of the people around him and would be distracted any time he heard a noise or saw someone move out from the corner of his eye. Maybe it was because he had been waiting for Ivan to come by, which caused his lack of concentration, but –whatever.

He was unsure why Ivan hadn’t suggested their room, but maybe it was for the best, as they wouldn’t be as tempted... or so he thought.

Sitting in the shade of a nearby tree, he had already taken out his books when he heard footsteps approaching. Glancing up, he saw Ivan waving at him with that familiar smile of his painted over his lips.

“Hi~” Ivan cheered as he crouched down to sit beside him. Till noticed that he was holding a rugby ball and raised an eyebrow.

“Why did you bring that?”

“I need to practise a little, don't mind me.” Leaning against the tree, Ivan tossed the ball into the air and caught it easily.

“But your ankle–.”

"It's already fine. Or almost. The nurse told me that I can go back to training as long as I take it easy. But today, I’m helping you as I promised. Tomorrow, I’ll train with the guys.” Ivan explained, turning his head to glance at Till.

“Are you sure it’s alright?" He asked, sounding a little worried. This made Ivan soften his smile and reach out to ruffle Till’s hair. The other protested with a groan and a frown. To which Ivan simply chuckled.

“I’m good. Now, show me those things you need help with.”

Still pouting, Till tried to fix his messy fringe, shaking his head lightly so his hair fell back into place. Then he showed Ivan the books, opening them wide.

“I need to memorise all these sculptures, buildings and paintings… Which isn’t the problem. The problem is remembering all the historic background, dates, and politics of the times and conditions they were made in.”

“Sounds like a pain.” Ivan raised an eyebrow as he looked at all the pages Till had marked for study.

“It is.” Sighing deeply, Till rested his head back on the tree trunk and watched as some soft rays of sunshine slipped through the leaves.

“What have you been doing so far?” Ivan asked, lifting his eyes from the pages and focusing on Till, watching how the peeking light illuminated certain spots on his face, such as the corner of his lips, his right ear, the tip of his nose..

“Uh… reading?”

“Just that?” He raised an eyebrow, which made Till pout a little as he glanced away.

“...yeah.”

“Okay. How do you remember things better?” Ivan asked softly. There was no mockery in his tone, so Till glanced at him.

“Hm? What do you mean?’

“When you remember something, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?” Ivan turned his body slightly towards him.

“Hmm… I’m not sure…” Till frowned a little as he looked back at him. He was uncertain what to focus on or how to answer the question.

“Close your eyes.” Despite his reluctance, Till obeyed. “Now, think of the geranium by the bushes. What comes into your mind first?”

After giving it a little thought, Till answered. “Uhm… red and black.”

“So, colors?

“I guess…?” He said, unconvinced.

“What else can you recall from memory? What comes next if you try to explain it to me?” Ivan’s soft voice was beginning to tickle Till’s brain.

"Dunno… Maybe the shape of its petals. There’s one that overlaps the others, making the red seem more prominent once it's in full bloom."

“Can you tell me anything you recall from what you have to study? Like…" Ivan took a quick glance at the open pages and chose one of the statues at random. “Bernini. What can you tell me about him?”

Till's brows flickered slightly at the mention of that name. All he could think about it at the moment was THAT damn statue that had triggered the wrong buttons in his brain last time.

"Pluto and Proserpina... He sculpted the goddess's kidnapping in great detail, showing how her skin interacts with Pluto's hands despite them being made of white marble." He explained, trying not to let his mind wander again.t

Now he knew exactly how big Ivan’s hands were, and what they looked like when they grabbed his thigh or waist and–.

“What if I ask you to describe the ball I brought?” Till flinched slightly, abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Ivan’s next question.

“Brown, weirdly shaped and–.”

Ivan smiled softly and interrupted him. “Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

Till glanced at Ivan, confused, and raised an eyebrow. “What has any of this got to do with studying?”

"You can remember things better by their colors. They're the things you remember first and most clearly. From the way you describe things, it seems like you work better with visual references than texts.”

“So?” Till raised an eyebrow, prompting Ivan to continue.

"I suggest you add small photos or draw around the things you find hard to remember." He explained, giving him back his book. "They don't have to be directly related to what you need to memorise, but if you fail to recall the political context, for example, draw a flower beside it to help you remember. Underline every keyword that might be helpful in the same color." Till listened closely to Ivan, nodding his head softly. "That way, anytime you need to recall baroque, for example, you can easily link it to a color or shape you’ve seen around it."

As Ivan’s words sank in, Till opened his eyes wide, raising both eyebrows as if impressed that Ivan was actually giving him helpful advice.

“I never thought of that...” He admitted, glancing back at his book and bringing out his highlighters.

"How have you been studying until now?”’ Ivan asked, mockingly, which made Till immediately frown.

“Shut up.”

Ivan simply chuckled, stood up and grabbed his ball. He walked a few steps away, and Till kept his eyes glued to his figure without looking directly at him. After taking a few more steps, Till cleared his throat and settled his gaze on the book in his lap.

“Where are you going?”

Ivan turned around with a smile as soon as he heard Till's question. “Don’t worry. I’ll stay here if you need me. I was just moving to give myself some space to throw the ball without hitting you.”

Till simply shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. In fact, though, he was rather happy that Ivan was going to stay close by in case he needed more help or advice.

After all, he did need him close by. Just for the sake of it.

Minutes went by in which both of them were simply minding their own business. As Till lifted up his tired eyes from the book, his vision settled immediately at Ivan. He looked silly tossing and fetching the ball on his own. He couldn't help but let out a muffled laugh at the sight.

Standing up, he slowly made his way towards Ivan, containing his laughter, but with a soft smile on his lips nonetheless.

Ivan, panting from the unnecessary running around to catch the ball that landed on the grass not too far ahead, raised his eyebrows when he saw Till standing across from him.

“Tired already?” he asked, tilting his head and pressing the ball between his hands.

“A bit. Also, I thought you could use a tossing partner...” In an effort to appear as calm and collected as he could, Till gave a casual shrug.

Ivan smiled and let out a soft chuckle. “Are you sure you can handle it?”

“Oh, come on! It's just catching a ball. I'm sure I can–!"

Seeing the ball unexpectedly come his way interrupted his sentence, forcing him to move to the side to avoid being hit by it. Unfortunately, his reflexes didn’t help at all, and he was still struck on the left thigh. Ivan started laughing loudly as Till snorted in annoyance.

“That wasn’t fair! I wasn’t even paying attention!”

“Sure, sure… Toss it back then.” Ivan got into position as he waited for Till to throw the ball back at him.

Acting all high and mighty, Till prepared to throw the ball at Ivan, as if he knew what he was doing.

He didn't.

He had never tossed a ball as weirdly shaped as that one before.

In fact, he had basically never tried to toss a ball unless forced to. But it couldn't be that difficult... right?

…

Wrong.

It was, indeed, difficult.

As Till threw the ball with all his strength and precision, it flew forward about two meters before dropping immediately into the grass. He thought he had thrown it upwards, but no. It landed straight in the grass, as if he had tried to stick it in the ground. It didn't even come close to where Ivan was standing.

At first, they both silently glanced at the ball, processing what they had just seen. Then Ivan literally exploded with laughter, and Till felt his face grow red with embarrassment as he stomped off to fetch the ball, since he was closer to it than Ivan.

“Shut up! It's not that funny!” Despite Till's protests, Ivan continued to laugh, holding his stomach as he doubled up with laughter. 

This made Till feel both frustrated and embarrassed. Enraged, he threw the ball again, despite the fact that Ivan was not on guard. This time, he shot it with unexpected accuracy. Not only did the ball reach Ivan, it also bumped into his head before flopping to the floor. Despite the hit, Ivan didn't stop laughing. He crouched to fetch it back as he wiped some tears off his face. He was laughing really hard.

“Asshole!”

“It was really funny, haha! Till, you suck–.”

“Shut up! I don't! Come on. I was unprepared.” Till took a serious stance as he prepared to receive the ball back.

Once Ivan had finally stopped laughing, he got ready to throw the ball at Till again. Smiling softly, he went easier on him this time. He passed it with a wide trajectory and slow drop so that Till could easily follow its movements in the air. So far, Till was doing a good job of focusing on the task of receiving the ball. However, catching the ball while playing American football shouldn't be his only concern. So when he was about to celebrate catching the ball and show it off to Ivan, he suddenly found himself being tackled onto the grass. Ivan ran at him as fast as lightning, grabbed his waist and pushed him as soon as the ball flew into his hands.

Luckily for Till, Ivan had good control of his body and strength. So, when Till thought he was going to bump into the grass, he found himself falling onto something soft.

Slowly opening his eyes, he saw Ivan lying underneath him, on the verge of breaking into laughter again because of his shocked and almost traumatised expression.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” Till screamed at him, starting to beat him with the ball. This only seemed to make Ivan explode into laughter again.

“Your face– hahaha!” Ivan did little to prevent Till from hitting him with the ball. In fact, each one of the bumps made him laugh even more, as if he could feel nothing but a light tickle on his chest.

“Fucking asshole! I was just playing catch! Not the whole fucking thing!”

Ivan continued to laugh, barely managing to keep his eyes open because he found the whole thing so amusing. Then he tightened his grip around Till’s waist, pushing him onto his chest and preventing him from moving any further or hit him with the ball anymore, which only made Till groan and squirm in visible disagreement.

“Let go–.”

“Haha, you’re so cute.” Ivan whispered, calming down a bit, as he nuzzled Till’s cheek.

“Eek–! You really were fucking laughing so hard you were crying!? Asshole!” Till scoffed, wiping Ivan's tears off his cheek by cleaning his cheek with Ivan's shirt. Then tried to push Ivan aside, but he didn’t budge.

In fact, Ivan rolled over and pushed Till down onto the ground, pinning him underneath him, which instantly made Till go completely tense. Without wiping the pout off his lips, he gulped and spoke softly.

“W-what now…?”

They simply glanced at each other for a while. Till felt his heartbeat rise rapidly in his chest. Or maybe it was Ivan’s heart beating over his own. Neither of them could tell whether they could feel just their own heartbeat or the other's.

But it didn’t matter.

The whole world seemed to stop when Ivan leaned in. Seeing that Ivan's expression had become serious, Till pressed his lips together. As he did so, he saw Ivan glance down at his mouth, and then their eyes met. Till knew exactly what Ivan intended to do next. It was obvious, and he yearned for it too.

But kissing without letting out all else that was stuck on his chest felt wrong for him.

Rushedly, Till pressed both his hands over Ivan’s lips when he was so close that he could feel his breath tickling his own. This surprised Ivan, who opened his eyes wide and glanced down at Till.

“You can’t kiss me.” he whispered, his hands still pressed against Ivan's warm lips, who frowned slightly at his rejection.

“It’s not included in my benefits?” Ivan whispered as he gently moved one of Till’s hands away by grabbing his wrist. And Till let him do so because, despite his mind fighting to win the war against his desperate body, he knew he was long gone as soon as Ivan made a move.

“I–. Promise you won’t laugh.” Till pouted a little more, so Ivan raised his eyebrows, curious to hear what the other might say. “I’ve never kissed anyone before. I want it to be... special."

Those words made Ivan tense up a bit. The idea of being Till's first kiss made him want to jump to those lips even more. Had he been his first on other things too? He was overjoyed. He had been holding back far too long already, and that little pout just made it impossible to resist.

So, he leaned in again, but not too much, as if testing Till’s reaction. Given the way he was glancing around nervously and how his hands were trembling slightly, he guessed he was pushing it too far. So he decided to downplay the whole thing a little bit to see if he could get what he wanted.

"After all we have already done and you are worried about a kiss?" As he chuckled, he noticed how Till blinked even more flustered.

This isn't working...  

"S-shut up! It's my first kiss so I get to decide." Till couldn't deny he was kind of right. He was unable to explain why one thing was okay but not the other.

It was the same reason for which Till didn't want to go that far with him.

It just... felt wrong to do it just because. If there were no feelings and it was just lust, what was the point in it?

Even if it sounded silly, he wanted to share such an intimate moment with someone special. And Ivan was his someone special. So that's why he was a bit more flexible on his limits whenever it came to him.

But... kissing and fucking without naming feelings between them–that was something Till wasn't going to allow.

"So... You don't want me to be your first?"

All Till needed to say was no.

If he said no, Ivan's heart would be shattered… but he would also move away and stop.

Because Ivan cared for Till more than he cared of himself. 

But the no never came.

"I... I want it to be with someone who loves me." Till muttered timidly. His cheeks grew even redder as he examined Ivan’s reaction.

Till noticed the way he seemed to be at war with himself, too, in the gleam in his eyes. He noticed how his pupils dilated when he looked at him from so close up and how the tips of his ears betrayed a timid blush that was struggling to creep up his cheeks. He could see every little color in Ivan. He could see how he reacted to his soft words and the way his breath hitched when he muttered the word love.

And he wasn't going to lie; it made him feel expectant. 

Ivan bit his lip softly. He tried to find any ounce of restraint he might have left. But he had none. Till had set a condition for kissing him, a condition he believed he met.

Did he love Till? Maybe he did.

Or maybe the hard beating of his chest whenever they were this close was just lust... No, it couldn't be. He had been closer to other boys during training sessions and matches. And he didn't feel as nervous when he was close to them as he did when he was closer to Till. Also, he knew what excited him. With Till, it felt like more than just that. He could tell the difference between just being attracted to someone and the feeling of being in love.

Right now he wanted to kiss him. Not because he had second intentions. He wanted to kiss him just for the sake of it. To feel closer to him. To finally express his overflowing affection for the other.

Then again, the tightening pressure in his chest maybe  wasn't love, but the fear of not being loved back. The fear of not being needed or wanted by the person he desperately yearned for.

So, yes, he did love Till.

He was sure of it.

God, he had loved him for a long time now. He had waited by his side, wanting to be seen and to step closer. Of course he met the condition –why had he even doubted it?

Despite his trembling lips, Ivan moved without hesitation, leaning in again. He wasn't thinking, just acting. He placed one hand beside Till's face, grasping the grass to keep himself grounded, while the other remained on Till's waist.

As Ivan leaned in for the second time, Till felt like he was going to explode with happiness. Did it mean what he thought it meant? He had made himself clear, right? Just a kiss born from love.

And yet Ivan didn't hesitate to lean in again.

He was overjoyed. He was willing, of course, to let it happen. Because of his own willingness, he unconsciously licked his lips in anticipation of the kiss. And then he felt the slight sting of pain that reminded him of something he wasn't counting on. 

Fuck–.

When their lips were just an inch apart again, Till's soft, warm palm hurriedly made its way to press against Ivan's once more, coming between his lips and their desired kiss.

Not noticing his foolish mistake.

Ivan came back to reality as he felt Till's warm palm over his lips a second time. And he wasn't going to lie; he felt as something was trying to rip his beating heart out of his chest, as it was being squeezed so tightly following Till's second rejection.

Of course... Just me loving you isn't  enough for this.

His eyes flickered; he wasn't exactly blinking, but he felt an overwhelming need to cry, and moving his eyes this way prevented the tears from coming out. However, he held on as he reluctantly moved his hand away from Till's waist, ready to push himself away from him.

Looking up at Ivan, who had a conflicted expression on his face, Till knew he couldn't let him move away and misunderstand his actions.

Not this time.

Not again.

Not after they had come so far.

So Till moved his hands from Ivan's trembling lips to cup his face. This made Ivan freeze on the spot as he glanced down at Till's teal eyes, which seemed to look just as desperate as his own.

“Wait… it's just that–.” Till stuttered.

The words seemed to be stuck in his throat, so instead he showed Ivan the problem as he continued to grab onto his cheeks.

Ivan's eyes widened at the sight.

Still pinned down beneath his body, Till opened his mouth and showed him his slightly red and swollen tongue. A small black pearl beamed over the crest of his tongue, brightly reflecting the light from the saliva covering it.

Tilting his head, looking confused, Ivan wasn't understanding why Till had shown him that after stopping their kiss. His thoughts weren't clicking in his mess of a brain, so he just flicked his expression once more.

“I got it done this weekend. It's recent, swollen and sometimes it bleeds.” Till started to explain softly. Finding his voice in his knotted throat. "They made sure to warn me not to kiss anyone for a while to prevent infection and help with the healing process..." After a long struggle, Till finally let go of the words he needed to explain himself.

“Ah… I see.” Ivan nodded slowly, closing his eyes to try and calm the flurry of thoughts racing through his mind. To do so, Ivan tugged at Till's lower lip, pulling his mouth slightly open. "Does it hurt a lot? It looks a bit swollen, too. You said it was bleeding. Is that normal?” Ivan's flood of questions snapped Till back to reality, despite his warm finger pressed against his lip.

“A bit… Sometimes it just suddenly stings. The swelling and bleeding are normal unless they persist...” he answered softly as Ivan finally let go of his lip and sat back on the grass. He inevitably straddled Till, as he propped himself up.

“Doesn't it bother you? Like while speaking and stuff? Or moving your tongue in general?” Ivan asked, genuinely curious, resting his hands on his thighs as if he had no intention of moving off Till's lap.

But at the same time he was battling himself to put some distance between them again.

He was talking too much to prevent his nonchalant act from slipping. 

“It’s fine. It just stings a bit sometimes, but it isn't unbearable. The first three days were the worst, though. Now I can talk without too much trouble." Talking about his piercing and how to take care of it somehow cooled Till's mind. But the fact that Ivan was pressing down on him made him too conscious of talking about his tongue and what he could or couldn't do with it at the moment.

"Only you could get something like that..." Ivan sighed, smiling.

Sulking, Till protested. “What's that supposed to mean…?”

“So, when will it be fully healed, then?” Ivan ignored his question and asked his own instead.

“Three weeks.”

“Okay. I guess that means no more blowjobs until then... Ack–!”

Till smacked him and finally pushed him off his lap. Still sulking, he got up and dusted himself off grass. "Is that all you're worried about!? Freaky asshole...”

Why did Ivan say that?

Well, because he was embarrassed about making such an unexpected and risky move. And he was retracting from it. He wanted to make sure that his mislip hadn't changed their relationship. It was easier to stick to what he already knew worked with Till. Ivan was scared that giving Till time to think about why he tried to lean a second time, would leave his feelings out the box and his chest completely vulnerable and open. 

After having had a mental breakdown last time, when he learned that Till considered him a friend, he promised himself that he wouldn't burden him with his emotions anymore. Because he had seen Till bothered and confused of what to do with him. He was just a burden. 

But yes, it was a stupid thing to say. He knew that too. He felt stupid, but mostly mortified.

Why the fuck did you try to kiss him in the first place, Ivan–.

Despite the thoughts on his mind, Ivan crossed his legs and sat down in the grass, chuckling softly. He wasn't paying attention to what his mouth was saying anymore. He was running in auto-pilot. Sticking to his usual teasing behaviour. Joking around. Downplaying everything.

"Will you kiss me once the three weeks pass, then?" He asked.

Till immediately shifted his gaze to Ivan, looking both shocked and embarrassed. What did he mean by that? Was it... Did he want that kiss that badly?

Till could feel his heart beating rapidly, and he was so nervous that he thought he was going to pass out. He simply scoffed, his face as red as it could be.

“W-what? S-shut up! Why would I do that!?” Dismissiveness was his first reaction. Always was. But, as he glanced at Ivan's expression, he felt guilty for not being honest with himself.

He didn't want Ivan to think he was rejecting his love –that if he understood his actions right. Still, the words refused to leave his throat. "I... I'll think about it..." he managed to mutter under his breath, barely able to hear himself above his heartbeat. 

But surely Ivan caught it, right?

After a while of a silence that dragged on for too long to their liking, Ivan finally got up. He brushed the grass off his jeans and glanced at Till with his usual smirk.

“Shall we get something to eat? What do you want to or well– can eat?” Ivan started to walk slowly ahead to pick up his dropped ball.

“I can eat whatever as long as it isn't too hot, salty, or spicy. But I'd rather choose something that's easy to clean from, too.” Till answered as he went to fetch his things, which were still scattered under the tree. Ivan waited for him, giving it some thought.

He was glad the conversation was redirected somewhere else and that Ivan wasn't pressing further.

But at the same time he was disappointed.

“Shall we get some ramen? I'll eat the noodles and you can sip the soup.” He offered, mischievously, as Till finally reached his side.

“Was that supposed to be a joke? Not funny, idiot.” Till sulked as he nudged him. “But ramen does sound good…”

Walking side by side, they slowly made their way out of the campus.

Neither of them could forget that almost-kiss they never got to share, and they wondered if they would finally get what they had been yearning for so long once the three weeks passed by...

Or if the whole thing really meant that their love seemed to be reciprocal.

Chapter Text

The walk to the ramen place was awkward. Both of them had a bit too much on their minds to even manage to speak about anything to fill in the silence that accompanied them the whole way. The sun was setting on the side, as if finally calling the end of the day.

Faking to be minding his own business, Till scrolled down on his phone as he followed close behind Ivan. But in reality, his eyes shifted their focus between his menu screen and Ivan's side profile a bit more frequently than his heart could handle. His tongue piercing stung a bit, but it wasn’t because of its own natural healing process, but rather because his tongue was itching to receive the long-awaited kiss he had been craving so much for.

One part of him was glad, while the other was disappointed. Till wanted to get that kiss. No– he needed it from Ivan, and he felt foolish enough to have gotten the piercing done.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it. He hesitated so much. Last Saturday, when reaching the piercing shop after seeing the reminder in his phone, he paced outside for a while, debating whether he should go for it or not. He had been saving for months to get that piercing done. It was one of his long wished ones, too. It fulfilled the aesthetic he wanted to bring onto himself, and was the last thing that would make his ideal appearance be finally completed.

But now, its lingering presence in his tongue made him regretful of not having followed the other voice in his head that told him to wait a bit more before getting it done.

At least I managed to make good use of my tongue before…

Till immediately shook his head to stop his thoughts from straying away. He really tried his best to not recall the events of Saturday morning. Or the ones from the whole past week. But it was mission impossible.

He hadn’t even noticed before, because his mind had been too busy, clouded with the heating fire of their passion. But it was true that, despite them having done all sorts of sexual things already, something as simple as kissing and making out hadn’t even got the time to happen in the first place. They had been moving at such a rushed pace, Till hadn’t even got a chance to focus on when did he start loving Ivan so much. Something as simple as that. Because he was certain now, he loved him.

Confessing, holding hands, sharing a first, timid kiss after a funny date… Spending some more time together, then more dates and sneaky kisses, until making out and exponentially being dragged closer to each other. From the very start, he had messed up everything he had always believed to be the natural pace of a relationship. Probably everything escalated so quickly because they have known each other since forever and were already too close for comfort to even think about the lines between them. But Till never thought he would be the type to go with the flow and let his mind be consumed by so much lust from a single touch or glance.

Guess that’s how down bad I’m for you… Till thought, as he felt the blush creeping up his cheeks as he glanced back at Ivan’s calm expression.

But reality was, he wasn’t as relaxed as he seemed. Ivan wasn't nonchalant at all. On the contrary, he was too concerned about the whole ordeal.

Ivan's mind was racing with millions of thoughts at a fast speed. But the most recurrent and pressing one was the mortifying feeling of having exposed too much of himself. Of his heart. It felt ironic; every time he settled his mind to push himself apart from Till, he found himself drowning in him even more. And finally, having labelled his feelings towards Till as love was making his brain rumble even more.

Because “love” was a strong word. It had some implications he wasn’t sure he could comprehend or fit with. To love someone. Not simply likeness or adoration. But love . He wasn’t as sure that word matched best with what he felt towards Till.

An unconditional sense of profound longing and adoration? Yes. A constant desire to be by his side at every moment of his day? Definitely. A yearning for closeness, for attention and to be noticed by the other? He ticked all the boxes.

Was that love? Ivan wasn’t sure. Nevertheless, it was the only possible option.

He wasn’t sure if he had ever loved anyone before. But perhaps that was because Till was the only person he had ever loved. Since the early days of high school. Back then, though, he would never have described his feelings for the other boy as love. He always thought of them as obsession, pure selfishness and raw desire. He didn’t even dream of taking it further. Mizi had insisted that it was, indeed, love –or at least a crush– when she encouraged him to make those chocolates, but Ivan had always been reluctant to call it that.

However, when Till told him that he couldn't kiss him unless he loved him, Ivan realised that he had been in love with Till all along. It was as if his thoughts hadn’t been clicking in, because it had to come from Till for him to finally see his feelings as they were. Love .

Ivan felt the other's eyes any time they settled on him. And every time it happened, he had to remind himself to keep his cool, or else he was going to lose his mind right in the middle of the street. First he thought he hated him, then all of a sudden they were friends –friends with benefits. And he was already fantasizing about, what… being his boyfriend?

You're taking things too far, Ivan… Slow down. He bit onto his lower lip, the slight sting making him focus back on reality and making the hopeful bliss go away.

Whether it was love or not, Ivan was convinced his feelings weren’t enough for Till anyway. Because, in his eyes, Till deserved much more than someone as messed up as him.

Once they were inside the restaurant, the elephant in the room grew more obvious by the minute, but neither of them was brave enough to address it.

The ambience was bustling and busy. It was natural; being the only ramen place close to the faculty, or in the area in general, their tables always were booked up to maximum capacity. Luckily for them, there seemed to be a spot for them that evening.

Once seated, they made more jokes about letting Till just have the soup, or sneaking something spicy into Ivan's bowl, so that both their tongues would swell up equally. Their usual banter and bickering dominated their conversation, while they both fought with their feelings, knotted up in their throats. The tension was only interrupted when the waiter cut in to ask for their orders.

“Fancy seeing you guys around! It’s been a while since you last came. The girls will not join you today?” The familiarity with which the waiter greeted them made them snap out of their chatter.

“No, today it will be just the two of us.” Ivan replied with a smile, to which the young man nodded softly as he took out his small notebook to note down their orders.

“So, will you guys be having the usual?”

“Ah, yes. But make sure to bring Till only the soup–. Ack!” Ivan chuckled, despite the pain he felt in his shin from the little kick Till had prompted at him from under the table to stop his joke.

“Don’t listen to him. The usual is okay.” Till moved his hand mid air dismissively, a bit embarrassed that Ivan was stupid enough to have brought the joke to the waiter as well, who simply gave them a thumbs up before rushing to tend to a table that called out for him.

Sighing and leaning back on his seat, Till glanced up at the ceiling. It had been really long since he last went to that place, that much was true. Back in high school, they used to go for ramen almost every month, the four of them together. It made him feel kind of nostalgic.

Usually, he would save every weekend to hang out with his friends. Going to the cinema, checking out if they brought any new games to the arcade, taking a walk together around town, just to get scolded later for wandering around in late hours… He used to have so much fun with them. But all of that ended after the stupid accident, and the panic attacks he decided to hide from everyone.

How much had he been missing out for being stupidly stuck in his own mind? Shaking his head, he tried to focus on the present ahead, lest he would get lost reminiscing and mess any more future opportunities just because of being stubbornly stuck to the past.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!? You can’t just blurt those things out!” He scolded Ivan, softly launching a kick at him again.

“Ouch!” Ivan simply smiled as he started rubbing his leg. Clearly, he wasn’t remorseful, not a single bit. “What? It was just an inoffensive little joke~.”

“Asshole.” Till muttered in a pout, as Ivan still gently rubbed his bumped leg.

After a while of silence, Till spoke up again, in a softer tone. “How’s your ankle? Are you sure you will be able to train tomorrow?”

“Haha… I thought I would. Before someone broke my other leg with his never ending kicks.” Ivan said in a teasing tone, a smirk on his lips despite the throbbing pain on his shin.

“You're a drama queen. I didn’t even hit you that hard!” Till pouted, but still peeked under the table to check upon Ivan’s supposedly new broken leg now.

“Does that make you my drama king, then?” Ivan chuckled, a smirk popping on his plump lips.

“Shuddup!” A blush crept up on Till's cheeks as he tried to brush off the way Ivan said ‘my king’ from his head. Unconsciously, he threw a new kick again, but this time, his foot was grabbed by Ivan’s hands.

At first, he was going to protest once more, but his mistake was to try to see what Ivan’s intentions were as he lifted his glance to meet his face. Now, he wasn’t just trapped under his fingers; he was also captivated by that mischievous glint in Ivan’s eyes. Yet, at the same time, there was a certain deeper feeling hidden behind that red hue in his pupils. It was as if Ivan wasn’t just looking at him in a mocking way, but rather with an adoring, cherishing stance. So, when he felt how Ivan’s thumb absentmindedly snuck under the hem of his jeans to gently caress the skin underneath, right above the edge of his boots, Till felt his heart skip a beat. His lips trembled slightly, and despite the flush, he found himself unable to look away from Ivan’s tender gaze.

On the other hand, Ivan was tempted to pull on his leg in revenge at first. But, seeing as Till seemed to relax a bit as soon as his fingers made their way to his skin on his own, Ivan couldn’t bring himself to break the moment. He definitely wasn’t going to tell Till the million thoughts that were consuming his mind, but he hoped that, at least with such a timid, tender touch, he could feel his feelings. Even if his mind screamed at him to not bother him with such shallow emotions.

After staying in silence for a while, they only snapped back to reality when the waiter came with their order. Embarrassed at having been caught acting stupidly and being handsy, Ivan greeted the waiter with a wide grin. His ears turned slightly red as he quickly released Till’s leg, resting his now nervous hands over his lap. Meanwhile, Till didn't know where to hide. He immediately averted his gaze and cleared his throat as he sat up straight.

Just when the waiter left, they both glanced at each other and, at the sight of each other's stupid, flushed faces, they both broke into soft laughter.

“W-Why are you laughing, asshole?” Till protested first, despite himself chuckling too, as he grabbed his chopsticks.

“You make the silliest faces. That’s all.”

“Shut it…” Till pouted once again, but a smile threatened to break his act, pulling the corners of his lips up slowly.

But then, his frown overcame his expression fully.

“Fuck…”

Ivan raised an eyebrow at Till’s sudden curse. “What’s wrong?”

“I forgot to tell them no spice.” Till groaned as he glanced down at his bowl. 

Despite being bad at handling spicy food, Till always used to order the spicy ones whenever he had ramen. And over the past years, he had made his stance clear. He was known by the owner of the restaurant as “the boy that treasures my spice despite being unable to finish it without crying”. So, his usual was always a spicy item on the menu. It was a kind of embarrassing title, but… That wasn’t the point now.

“Oh. I’ll tell them to change it for you, then.” Ivan simply offered, as he aimed to raise one hand to call the waiter over.

“No!” But Till stopped him.

“Why not?” Ivan looked at him, with a confused look on his face.

“I didn’t tell them, so it’s not like they got the order wrong…”

“That’s right, but…” Ivan tried to search in his head for some kind of solution. “You said you can’t have spicy with the piercing. Unless you're feeling particularly masochistic today."

“I’m not!” Till protested. “But it’s my fault for not telling them. And I don’t want to be a bother, because I was unable to make myself clear in the first place.”

Something about the conversation made Ivan flick an eyebrow. “So, does that mean you would eat something you don’t want , or that potentially would bother you, just because of a misunderstanding?”

Till pressed his lips together. He too, noticed that something on Ivan’s question seemed to tick away from the matter of the ramen. “It’s not that I don’t want this ramen. I just… can’t have it at the moment because of the circumstances.”

Sighing deeply at Till’s stubbornness, Ivan grabbed both bowls and switched them. This made Till raise his eyes from the table and focus on Ivan’s face again. He knew the other wasn’t exactly keen on strong flavours – if hellish spiciness could be considered a flavour at all.

“There. Mine is free of spice. Also, it’s a soft broth, so it shouldn't be salty either. Just perfect for you.” As Ivan explained, there was a serious but calm expression on his face.

“But you don’t like spicy–.”

"I won't die just for this. I can have it in your place. I don’t mind. Also, it’s kind of my fault for distracting with the joke.”

With no option but to accept what he was saying, Till reluctantly whispered softly.

 “... Thanks.”

Once again, Till was sure there were other implications behind Ivan’s actions and words. But, just like earlier, neither would address it. And so the elephant settled between their silent dinner, in which they never got to exchange any other more words. 

However, that didn't make the moment feel as uncomfortable as one would think it would be.

The moon shone brightly in the sky by the time they left the restaurant. Despite Till's insistence on an equal split, Ivan insisted that he should be the one to pay, since Till had paid for his sundae the last time. Till knew the price had no comparison, and, given what Ivan had already done for him, he felt like he was demanding so much from the other. Yet, Ivan was so willing to give that he found himself unable to deny him the pleasure. 

However, he wasn’t going to let the other go with nothing in return.

“How’s your tongue?” Till softly asked while they made their way in a calm pace, walking side by side.

With his hands tucked away in the pockets of his jeans, Till was almost a perfect reflection of Ivan, who was similarly positioned with his hands deep within the pockets of his jacket.

Bringing his tongue out, Ivan tried to look at it without stopping his walk. The goofy act made Till chuckle a bit. Happy of having been able to bring a laugh out of Till, Ivan glanced at him.

“You should be happy, now we’re matching.”

“Idiot.”

“No, but seriously. I doubt I can ever taste anything else again.” Ivan mumbled, as he kept his mouth open, letting the cold night breeze calm his burning tongue.

“Nah, tomorrow you’ll be good as new.” Till reassured him while taking note of how cute Ivan was acting at the moment.

After another soft laugh that soon died out, they both continued to glance up ahead and continue their silent walk back to campus.

As they finally arrived at the dorm, both of them awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do next. The dimly lit room felt a bit more cramped than usual. A bit more intimate, too. And when Ivan reached closer to Till, he clumsily hit his back with the wardrobe door. Because moving to the side would have been easier, but Till had settled his mind into not letting the other go as if nothing.

Till had been giving it a thought all the walk. Basically, what they had could be considered a date, right? And after such a night, in which Ivan had been so considerate of him, despite his stubbornness, he knew the other deserved at least some kind of reward.

“I need… to take out some comfy clothes to sleep in.” Ivan softly whispered as he hovered over Till. It was clear that his position wasn’t one for simply checking the closet. But he knew that he had to suppress the urge he had to pin Till to those doors and desperately kiss him. So, the excuse was just as valid.

“Ah… I thought you slept naked, though.” But Till wasn’t going to let him go the easy way.

Biting his lower lip slightly, as he repressed the soft smile from his lips, Ivan pressed his forehead against the wardrobe in the space just above Till’s head. Basically, slowly pinning him to it, but without putting too much effort in the action.

“Not with you around.”

“Why not? It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before…’

Ivan could swear Till always had the worst timing to be assertive. It made him conflicted. What did he want? What was he expecting from him? What was okay for him to do, and what not?

“You like playing with fire, don’t you?” Ivan breathed heavily as he tried not to glance down at Till. Who, surprisingly enough, despite his usual pushy attitude, was comfortably staying trapped between his body and the closet.

“What? Did you get too burnt already?” At Till’s teasing remark, Ivan couldn’t handle it anymore.

Rolling his swollen tongue inside his cheeks, Ivan’s fingers found their way to force Till’s chin up. Initially, he leaned down, but he stopped in his tracks just as he noticed he was aiming for Till’s trembling lips once more. So, he deviated his motion, placing a soft nip at Till’s neck instead.

As Till let out a strained gasp, Ivan’s muscles tensed up as he restrained to bite harder and leave another mark since the previous one had already faded away.

“So, you really have never kissed anyone before?” The mocking way Ivan brought up the topic made Till furrow his brows; yet, despite his deep blush, he didn’t push Ivan just yet.

“What’s wrong with it? Got any problem, Mr. Popular?” Till mumbled, as his hands grabbed onto the hem of Ivan’s shirt, tugging at it to pull him even closer.

Ivan shrugged as he continued to smirk playfully. He was trying to look as composed as he could, but it was clear that Till had already noticed the way his breath quivered. He was purposely pushing his buttons, that much Ivan got clear. The reason, completely unknown to him.

“So, I’m guessing you’re a virgin, too.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Till immediately pushed his fist into Ivan’s chest in a threatening manner, as if ready to punch Ivan with it, to which the other reacted amusedly, chuckling softly closer to his ear. The action gave Till goosebumps.

“Come on. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, I was just innocently asking~.” Ivan purred those words into Till’s ear, enjoying seeing how his resolve to whatever dominance he had tried to assert vanished into thin air.

“Innocently asking, my ass!” he protested, the heat of his flushed cheeks reaching Ivan’s face as he nuzzled to the side of Till’s head.

“Yes. Innocently asking about your ass.”

Another groan, and Till finally pushed Ivan’s chest in protest. Finally taking the bait Ivan had settled for him. And his laugh, after coming out as a winner from the bickering once more, made Till even more conscious about the dropped fact.

From the way Ivan was talking and given how he was phrasing his questions, it made Till believe that Ivan was mocking him for lacking an experience he already had. And the thought really bothered him. Not being messed up because of being a virgin or whatever –but the whole idea of Ivan having already had his first kiss, his first everything. Till felt stupid about it, and he knew he was just being stubbornly selfish. But, given they knew each other for so long, he felt as if he had been falling behind, and blaming himself for being stupid enough to not have noticed his feelings earlier, and therefore be the first for Ivan too.

“Don’t worry, if it’s something that troubles you, y’know, I can help with it.”

At Ivan’s obvious attempt at another teasing remark, just to get on his nerves, Till simply glared at him with a serious look on his face after pushing him away a bit. That made Ivan stiffen a bit, as he pressed his lips, while wondering if he had crossed the line for the day once again.

And it felt so odd for him. Because usually, he would’ve done everything possible to mess up with Till without wondering about the consequences. What’s more, he loved the consequences. As long as that meant having Till’s cute, angry face all to himself.

However, lately, he had been feeling too reluctant to make any mistake around Till. He found himself tiptoeing about what he said or what he did. He still wanted to rage-bait Till. But he didn’t want to hurt him. He used to believe he was okay with the idea of Till hating him because that meant he would at least have a place in his mind, even if it was born from hatred. But right now… He was desperate to do anything to prevent that from happening.

So, he softened his tone and asked again, as he moved his hands to gently grab Till’s from his chest. Bringing them closer to his face, Ivan rested his cheek on Till’s knuckles as he glanced down at him.

“Do you want it to be with the one you love… too ?” Ivan muttered in a soft tone, trying his best to not sound as disappointed as he did.

That soft and reluctant ‘too’ made Till raise his eyes to glance directly at Ivan. As if he had the need to know what kind of face he was making while finally bringing up the question onto the table again. Now, the ball was on Till’s side, and it was his responsibility to toss it back or…

“Yes… I– I’d like it to be meaningful, not just… because I’m horny and needed.” Softly, Till delivered his answer, as he slowly moved one of his fingers to caress Ivan’s face nuzzled to his hands.

“I see…” Ivan nodded softly with his head as he fell silent for a while.

Till wondered what was going through his mind at the time. 

Did he get the hint...?

All he could tell from Ivan’s expression is that he seemed to be pondering about something. His droopy eyes fixed down at some point on the design of his shirt. His thick, dark brows in a relaxed state, despite the complexity of his glance. His lips, those lips Till wanted to rest his own upon, were pressed down, without his typical grin on them.

“What will you do with me once you find that someone?”

Day met night; as their eyes found each other for a second, the hurt was mirrored in both their expressions. None of them could ever imagine the idea of someone else to fill in that spot.

“Ivan, I don’t –.” want anyone else but you. Till’s words died out in his throat as Ivan suddenly pressed his lips onto his forehead.

“Forget that. There’s no need to think that far ahead. Let’s go to sleep. I’m a bit tired from all the walking, and I need to set my foot still.” A tender act, followed by dismissive words. Ivan’s usual contradictory, confusing act made Till feel as if he had a flame ignited deep within him, just to be splashed a cold bucket all over afterwards.

“Ivan–.”

“Till.”

At his attempt of a protest, Till was met with Ivan’s complex glance. Somehow, it hurt him to maintain his gaze fixed on those trembling pupils of Ivan. And, feeling overwhelmed and confused, Till finally decided to simply move aside and drop his gaze once his hands were free from Ivan’s grasp.

Finally, reaching into the wardrobe for some clothing, Ivan used the door to draw a separating line between them. The hammering, beating of his heart in his chest, making his whole face at the edge of becoming a flushed mess. Ivan was really having a bad time at containing himself at the moment, so the physical barrier served him to cool his mind a bit. Grabbing tighter onto the doorknob, he made some time, fake searching for a sweatpant he already had grabbed with his free hand. Just to give Till time to move away from him.

But once he pulled the cloth out and closed the door, he found Till standing still behind the door.

A hand grabbing onto his elbow, gaze down, and picking onto his lip with his fingers. Visibly nervous or indecisive about something. Ivan feared he was giving too much thought to his earlier words, and trying to avoid receiving the feared answer from the other, he immediately rushed to the bathroom.

“I’m gonna change in the bathroom. I’ll also shower, so you can take some time to change into comfortable clothes too.”

“Ivan!” Till instinctively followed, but the door closed in his face. And the clicking sound of the lock could be heard, too. 

Ivan’s stance was clear, yet Till couldn’t help but feel like the other was acting out of an all too familiar feeling. One he was battling with too: fear and anxiety.

Resting his forehead against the door of the bathroom, Till softly muttered.

“You’re the only one I love… Asshole.”

Yet his words, barely above a whisper, failed to reach the other side of the door.

Chapter Text

Tapping the tip of his highlighter against the corner of his book, Till rested his chin on his hand as he glanced into the distance. He was sitting by the shade of a tree, apparently willingly giving studying a chance. But his teal eyes had been away from the book for almost half an hour already. His glance settled on the not so distant field, in which he could catch a glimpse of the football team training really hard for tomorrow’s match. There was a certain worry in his eyes, as seeing what they were doing was a bit too harsh for someone who Till was convinced wasn't fully recovered yet.

Letting out a soft grunt, he simply turned around and tried to focus his eyes back on the doodles in his book. Taking into mind what Ivan had told him yesterday evening, he made some little drawings here and there, in the titles of the paragraphs that refused to stick in his head. With several colors, too. And so far, it had been a really nice idea, because he noticed he had memorised better certain parts thanks to this little trick.

But as for now, no matter how many little doodles there were, beaming between the lines, all colors Till could pay attention to, or reminisce, were Ivan’s.

Since acknowledging his feelings for him as love last night, he couldn’t shake the thought out of his head, no matter how hard he tried to. It seemed that voicing it out had made it a reality instead of a distant possibility. His heart hammered like crazy in his chest every time he spotted Ivan, and he felt that desperate itch in his tongue to bring him closer and kiss him. However, as he had been so conscious of Ivan's presence as of late, he couldn’t help but also notice how far they were from each other.

Early in the morning, he found himself waking up alone in his bed. Ivan seemed to have obeyed his request of not sliding into his sheets like last time. Which, in theory, should’ve been a good thing. But it wasn’t. Till secretly wanted Ivan to overstep that line he had drawn between them. He stayed on his bed while giving his contradictory thoughts and words a mental scolding, as Ivan rose from his and started to get prepared for his day.

He noticed how the other moved across the room while trying not to be too loud. At first, Till faked being still asleep, to see if he would come into his bed. But Ivan simply started to get ready to head out for an early, light jogging session.

As he finally stirred and turned, Ivan had apologised for being too noisy and waking him up. But, after clearing the misunderstanding, Ivan started teasing him. Asking if he was disappointed about not waking up beside him. Which was true, but instead of admitting to it, he threw Ivan a pillow while frowning and blushing like crazy. To which the other simply laughed, as he got out of the room before he could even stop him.

Nothing different from the usual.

As the day dragged on, Till barely saw Ivan. Sometimes, they would cross paths in the hallway and Ivan greeted him. Sometimes, they engaged in little chats, Ivan told some jokes, and they laughed. Other times, Ivan teased him about him stopping him every time they crossed paths, with some sort of innuendo in his voice. To which Till ended up annoyed and embarrassed by his antics, scowling flushed at him. And then Ivan would go with his friends, while laughing.

Then again, that was their thing.

On lunch break, Ivan called out to him and dragged him along to the cafeteria. They sat together with Mizi and Sua, after Ivan invited himself –and Till as well– onto their table, unannounced. In between their conversation, Ivan found ways to mess with him. To embarrass him or make fun of him, even in front of the girls. And they ended up bickering and insulting each other during lunch.

Just like they always do.

Nothing strange had been happening. Nothing out of the blue. Or too dismissive. However, Till felt as if Ivan was really distant from him. So close, yet so far. As if there was a glass wall built up between them. And he was sure that wall had always been there. He was just noticing now, because he longed to break it, to reach out to Ivan and pull him closer than ever. 

Till knew they were close, but it was not close enough. He needed more of Ivan because he loved him. He wanted to make his feelings clear, he wanted the other to reciprocate them. 

He wanted him. He loved him. He yearned for him.

But he was also aware that the one who had built up that wall was none other than him. The realisation stung.

How to get rid of something you’ve been setting up yourself for so long, without risking shattering into pieces everything else you’ve created along with it? That was Till’s biggest fear. He knew that lately he had been scratching a bit of that wall, leaving some cracks in it, but without fully breaking it. Because every time he made a little crack, he would immediately tape it with some sort of excuse. However, that wasn’t going to make the gap disappear. As Sua had said, he had already stirred change. Whether he let the wave drown him or not was up to his next move and words. 

But damn, he was so scared of Ivan leaving him. He wasn’t sure he would ever be able to bring that wall down on his own. Despite the screaming of his heart to do so already. However, he had a hunch that his glass wall was just a few knocks away from shattering.

Letting out a deep sigh, Till buried his head between his legs. In an attempt to distract himself, he had found a place to study for tomorrow’s exam. But unconsciously, his steps had guided him close to where Ivan was.

I love him. Fuck, I really do love him…

His cheeks felt warm, his throat and chest tightening painfully as the emotions he was feeling battled to get out and rush to reach Ivan in the distance.

Cleaning off some sweat from his chin with the collar of his shirt, Ivan tried to catch his breath as he rested by the bleachers. He was a bit rusty after spending so much time taking it easy because of his ankle. 

Good news was that it didn’t bother him anymore, so he could give it his all in training. Bad ones were that everyone seemed to baby him about it, and that was frustrating. He was okay, he really was. In fact, he needed to focus himself on the match, since he had been too distracted as of late. Then again, everyone wanted him to act differently from how he wanted to. And even though Ivan knew no one meant harm, he couldn’t shake the feeling away.

As a bottle of water intercepted his vision, Ivan was suddenly brought out of his thoughts. Raising up his eyes to catch a glimpse of who was offering it to him, Ivan drew an easy smile at the sight of the always smiling Dewey.

He was one of the other most beloved members of the football team, his physique and athletic abilities even beyond his own. Or at least, that was what Ivan thought. They were the popular pair from the team, and the two people relied on the most. They weren’t exactly close friends, but Ivan had no reason to not like the guy. Just like Till, Dewey seemed to always be honest and blunt about his thoughts. But, unlike him, Dewey was a lot more outgoing and friendly to those around him. Maybe because he wasn't as much of a scaredy cat like Till was.

Stop it. You’re making everything about Till again.

“Thanks.” After taking a sip that almost emptied the bottle in a go, Ivan whispered as Dewey dropped beside him with a smile.

“No need to, bro. You’ve been working your ass off today. We don’t want you to die, haha.” Patting his back with a big smack, one that made him bend over but was harmless, Dewey welcomed him with a toothy smile.

“I needed to make up for the lost time.” Ivan shrugged as he chuckled softly.

“Y’know, I always got your back. And I know everyone’s being an ass, pressuring ya to believe and act as our holy saviour or something,” Still chuckling, Dewey ruffled Ivan’s hair like one would do with a younger sibling. “But you don’t need to do it all on your own. Trust your bro! Tomorrow’s gonna be fire.”

Shaking his head with a little laugh, Ivan glanced at the bottle in his hand as he was bent down a bit. Elbows resting over his knees.

“Yeah… thanks. You better not miss any of my passes, or I’ll blame it on you.” He joked.

To which Dewey only laughed loudly, before drowning out his voice as he chugged down the remains of his own water as well.

…

The ticking of the clock was irritating him a bit. Scribbling down, writing as coherently as he could at the moment, his brain was doing its best to squeeze the information out of it. Information he had done his best to memorise the night before. He had been reading the book all over and over again, a certain anxiety of failing once more creeping on him, as he was trying to make sure history didn't repeat itself.

And, as it should've been last week, by the time Ivan went back to the dorms from training, Till had already fallen asleep with the books on his face.

But Till had no time to get preoccupied with the thought of Ivan. Despite it being the most pressing idea on his mind. Glancing up at the clock, he clicked his tongue.

The teacher had been nice enough to let him redo the exam, given he literally left it blank last time. And even though he was no star student, his teacher recognised his interest in the subject and was sure something had happened for him to leave the pages blank. So, even though it was already after school hours, Till was still trapped inside a classroom.

But that caused another problem for him: Ivan's match.

He usually avoided those things, but, given the recent events between them, he wanted to be there for him. Just so Ivan could at least feel his support, because like hell he was going to scream cheers like his crazy fan club. But he'd be damned; the exam was just too tight on schedule with the match. If he finished earlier, he could maybe watch it from the start. But he wasn't counting on it. Because the more distracted he was by the thought, the slower the words decided to appear in his brain.

Focus, Till, focus!

Forcing himself to keep his eyes glued to the paper instead of checking the wall clock every five minutes, Till managed to get everything answered after a long while. He hadn't left anything blank, even though he was sure there was some stuff he had forgotten to write about. But it was no use, he was already too distracted after considering the exam done to even bother to double check his answers before turning it in to the teacher.

He grabbed his things quickly and rushed out of the classroom. He then started running through the hallways.

As he ran, he could easily remember the disappointment on Ivan's face as he told him he was heading towards the exam instead of accompanying him to the field. The way his thick eyebrows flicked for a second, as if trying to fight the frown that wanted to draw upon them. How he pressed his lips together, to prevent his words from slipping out. And how discouraged he sounded when he said “good luck”.

You can't say that while looking so sad, asshole!

Despite his thoughts, he had a silly smile on his face. And the adrenaline of wanting to arrive as soon as possible, made him able to run at his full speed without stopping until he reached the field. He was exhausted as hell once he did, catching his breath as he hyperventilated while bending over his knees. Pushing himself a little bit more, he made it up the bleachers, when he recognised a certain pink haired girl waving at him to get closer.

Once beside Mizi, Till dropped his body between her and Sua, who glanced at him with concern given his tired state.

“Man, it was coming to the match, not playing it on your own… You okay?” Despite the sarcasm and edge in her words, Sua glanced at him with a worried expression.

“Here! Have some water and catch your breath, Till!” Mizi, who had been searching in her bag for a while, handed him a water bottle as she also started to fan him with her hands in an attempt to get the poor boy some air.

After chugging down the water, even though some of it spilled out his mouth since he drank it without pressing his lips to the bottleneck, he finally calmed down a little bit. Wiping off the spill from his chin with his arm warmer, Till handed back the bottle to Mizi while muttering a soft thanks.

“Ivan told us you had an exam and were going to arrive late. Didn't expect you to run for it!” Mizi chuckled softly as she patted the boy's shoulder lightly.

“I hope you didn't rush, leaving stuff unanswered…” Sua added.

Moving his hand dismissively mid air, Till spoke in a soft grunt. “It's okay. I'm okay. Now…where's Ivan…?”

Sua and Mizi exchanged a knowing glance, one the teal eyes didn't notice, too focused on searching the 45 dorsal amongst the moving figures in the field.

“He's there.” Softly, Mizi leaned closer while pointing ahead, making it easier for Till to follow the trajectory of her finger.

And, as he did, he frowned.

“Why is he not playing? Did something happen to him? His ankle again?” Concerned, he glanced at both girls, searching for an answer.

“No. He has been there since the start.” Sighing and resting her chin on her palm, Sua explained as she glanced at the distance. “I don't know why, but by the look on his face, he doesn't look too happy about it either.”

Till glanced back at Ivan, sitting by the first row of bleachers across the field. He was bent over, eyes focused on how his team went on about the match. He had a slight tic on his right leg, while both hands rested clenched together, elbows on knees. Yeah, definitely, he didn't look too happy about not playing. But why? Pressing further, he noticed Ivan sometimes turned his head slightly back. Not fully, but as if someone behind was keeping his attention. Someone Till couldn't see from over his seat, since they were sitting across the field in the opposite bleachers, and between the heads of the masses, it was impossible to make out who they were without a little hint.

But for Ivan, that presence was as clear as the sun ahead of his head. As suffocating as their rays, beaming down on him. And as unpredictable as the display of the match playing in front of him.

His father.

Upon taking a quick glance above his shoulders, he hadn’t got to look too much to sense his obvious disappointment about his actual condition. Why was he sitting instead of playing? Why wasn’t Ivan the one playing the game and showing off how much of a perfect son he had? He could easily figure out all those thoughts in the unperturbed, side eye that he seemed to shoot across at him from time to time.

But why was he there? He wasn’t supposed to be the type of father to worry about things like this. He never came to other matches, to his High School graduation or to his shows at school. Most of the time, he sent someone else to keep him informed, since he was too busy to pay attention to him. And so, to fulfil his role as his model son, he had to always stand out in anything he decided to do.

Top of the class, top of the club, top of the team. He always had to be the best. To make him proud –or at least worth the investment. So, if they were going to win this classification match and make the college team escalate the ladder, Ivan had to be the one that made it possible. He was aware of it.

But lately, he had been feeling that the sky ahead of him was brighter. Standing under it, he felt like he could reach it if he extended his hands to it. Turned out he was still glancing at a sky moulded for him, laying flat on the floor while barely being able to grasp the clouds above. Freedom, choices or wants, never an option. And his father’s presence was a harsh reminder of it.

But it has always been like this, right?

Biting down on his lip a bit too harshly, Ivan glanced over at the coach sitting beside him. He had been sent to wait by the bench, despite his insistence about not being injured anymore. And even though the coach had told him it was so he could start straight ahead playing in the news to come in full shape, the observant, icy glance of his father behind him changed things.

But… if I’m allowed just one tiny glimmer of hope.

Ivan glanced at the people sitting across the field now instead of paying attention to the towering shadow on his back. Despite his fan club trying to hype him up from behind, Ivan didn’t really care about their words or cheers. Easily spotting the pink ponytail in the distant bleachers, his eyes almost went wide as he caught a glimpse of a teal haired boy sitting between the two girls. A faint, soft smile seemed to ease a little bit of that pressure in his chest.

Let me hold onto you in this moment, Till. Even if I’m just being irrationally selfish…

Upon reaching the half of the match, the scores weren't too hopeful on Anakt’s team side. They weren't losing, but they weren't winning, either. Both teams seemed equally good, tightly battling each other on the scoreboard. It was a tough time for both teams, that pretty much was visible.

Unconsciously, Till started mirroring Ivan's leg twitch, as he chipped off the nail polish on his thumb. Not because of the match results itself, but rather because of the ache in his chest upon seeing the other boy in such clear distress.

Watching the teams reunite to discuss how to go about the two remaining quarters, Till kept his eyes focused on Ivan. Every flick of his brows, and the desperation he could feel in the way he was talking, despite being unable to hear him from afar. Nothing went unnoticed for him. And that was how Ivan finally entered the field by the start of the third quarter, while their team had possession of the ball.

Sending a blown kiss straight to him from the distance.

… Because he sent it to him, right?

Feeling his cheeks growing hot and frowning at the inconvenient spot in what the other had put him in now, Till now did indeed notice the glances Sua and Mizi exchanged. Sua shook her head slightly at her girlfriend, to which Mizi pouted, but soon both of them were focusing on the match again.

“Now that our Ivan is gonna play, the score will turn to our favour for sure!”

Till simply cleared his throat as he glanced ahead to the field. He had no idea of the rules, movements, or how they even were supposed to play the game. He was never interested, and now was regretting a bit of it, because so far he could only understand that the scoreboard wasn’t looking really hopeful, and that they had to get as many goals as possible. Shouldn’t be difficult to watch, right?

Wrong.

As Ivan made his way into the field, ready to catch the ball from the center, since he was the quarterback of the current offensive team, Till focused his eyes on it. But as soon as it snapped, everything became a blur of red and blue shirts down below in the field. Till wasn’t even sure where the ball was going anymore, so instead of trying to keep up with it on the first down, he decided to simply focus on Ivan’s movements instead. Because when he saw Marty getting immediately tackled onto the grass after receiving Ivan’s pass, he was sure they were gonna lose or something. But apparently, they still had three more opportunities to either advance 10 yards and gain more downs, or mark a goal.

Or so Mizi explained to him, whispering to his ear under the loud voice of the cheers and commentators of the match.

Till couldn’t care less about it. Since he was a bit taken back after seeing how harshly that tackle on the poor guy had looked from the outside. Were they always like this? So harsh, brutal and definitely not suitable for light hearts? Because Till was now left wondering how come Ivan had only gotten a sprained ankle from playing this game so far, and not something far more concerning.

As the match dragged on, the positions continued to change. A lot. When they were feeling confident about advancing on the field, they retreated a bit. Till wasn’t understanding anything, but every time he saw all those men running straight at Ivan, since he was the one meant to call the game and have the possession first, his heart tensed in his chest and he prayed to all the gods he didn’t believe in so they would leave him intact.

He felt like picking his fingers apart because of how much tension he was feeling just by watching the whole thing. And sometimes, he had to glance away from the field, trying not to appear too shocked about how these dudes seemed to pounce over one another as if their lives were on the line.

Thankfully, Ivan didn’t tackle me with that much force…

At the thought, another blush crept from the back of his ears, but he tried to keep it at bay by shaking his head and glancing at the scoreboard.

By the end of the third quarter, Anakt's team was in the lead. Not by much, but definitely by more than before. It seemed like Ivan’s presence had made the difference.

As they had a little break before what would be the last part of the match, Till noticed how the whole team surrounded Ivan and started talking, laughing, and ruffling the man’s hair as he reciprocated those smiles and laughs. It was clear that everyone trusted him to do what he was supposed to do best: get their team to victory. And as soon as he stepped foot into the field, he really seemed to have taken up the task successfully. Yet, why did Till still feel that lingering uneasiness in the way he smiled, and how he still glanced over his shoulder while resting a bit by the benches?

Soon, their eyes locked. And even from afar, Till was convinced Ivan was glancing straight at him. He wanted to believe so. Because the way Ivan’s lips, despite tired, curled up in a wide, soft smile made Till selfishly hope for that sight to be meant for him only.

After what felt like the most terribly long –almost– fifteen minutes of his life, things weren’t looking so hopefully anymore. The tension was palpable in the air. They were only one point behind victory, and despite having the possession of the ball yet again, they still had a long way to go to gain the score they were all desperately trying to reach for.

Ivan glanced at his teammates; they all seemed tired, like himself, of course. But they were far from lost in despair. If anything, the short time available made them more determined than ever to turn the tables once more. But so did the other team. They only had to stop them for a few more minutes, and it all would be done. They could go home with victory.

One quick glance to the audience and Ivan tried to shake off any hint of indecisiveness in his body, despite the trembling mess he was. The goal wasn’t so far, full team focused and in position. A touchdown would bring them victory, no –even a field goal would do. It was risky, but…

“Ivan!” Dewey’s voice behind him made him turn his head, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Remember, I always got your back!” The quirky pun of the runner back made little to quiet his fears, but it did indeed make him faint a smile before locking in.

Giving his own helmet a few pats and shaking his hands as soon as the centre snapped the ball at him, Ivan was certain of what to do: To run for it. Despite Dewey’s words, he couldn’t let him take the spotlight. Not because he wanted to, but rather because he needed to. That’s why he was so focused as he ran behind his front line offense, in between the defenses, and ahead of the wide runners that tried to cover up for him so he could score.

But he knew he wasn’t going to be able to make it. His ankle had been throbbing for a while, a slip earlier or maybe he settled his foot on the wrong turn as he stopped a run. It was giving him problems again. He couldn't be as fast as he usually could be. As he wanted– no, was expected to be at the moment.

Still, he continued to run for it. His team was doing a great job keeping defense away from him, the least he could do was to get them that touchdown. However, despite Ivan setting his mind to it, he was indeed losing speed and visibly in pain.

“Ivan!” Close behind him, Dewey approached. He extended his hands at him. The gesture was obvious. If he handed him the ball, he would definitely get that desired goal. But…

Instead of glancing to his right, where his father was seated, Ivan set his gaze to the opposite direction. Where Till seemed to have lifted up his seat to see how his move would end. And even though he wanted to look cool in front of him, he wanted to win. And he was not fit for crossing that line.

As he finally left the ball to Dewey’s care, Ivan still didn’t stop running behind, since Dewey soon overran him at amazing speed. Blocking the way of those who tried to approach a bit more, until the blonde finally arrived at the destination, with the roar of the public and their own teammates as well.

I did what was meant to do to win. So, you can’t be…

Ivan met his father’s eyes, and as soon as he caught a glimpse of that face, his smile from the victory slowly drowned away alongside the sigh his old man exhaled in the distance.

Between the signalling of the end of the match, the cheers of the crowd, the smiles, hugs and laughs from everyone, Ivan kept frozen in place. Keeping his expression unreadable, hidden behind his helmet.

Soon, a pair of big, strong arms lifted him in the air. All the team surrounded him and Dewey, and despite him wanting to be somewhere else quieter, to let out all his frustrations, he had to push his feelings down his throat and act as everyone else.

Because who cries after winning a match?

Within the crowd, Mizi hugged both Till and Sua as she jumped in place with both of them. Laughing loudly, as the three celebrated the victory of the Anakt team alongside the rest of the people with the local team.

The girls went straight to run to the team to congratulate them –or at least Mizi did, Sua only ran behind her to make sure she didn’t trip. Till, however, decided to move and wait in a quieter area. Probably, Ivan was enjoying the celebration with his beloved team. And, despite a certain part of him wanting all that joy to belong only to him, he decided to give the other his time and wait by the midpoint between the field and the way to the dorms.

Ten, fifteen, twenty… Probably even half an hour passed, the cheers and laughs died out already, since most people had made their way out. Till fiddled with his phone, not too sure of what to do now since Ivan seemed nowhere to be found. And the girls headed somewhere to have dinner, long ago. If Ivan had already gone away somewhere else, somehow escaping his sight, to celebrate with his teammates over dinner, there was nothing he could do. But he didn’t want to be waiting like an idiot, so he opened up their chat to ask him.

Just as he did, Till had no need to send anything, because he spotted Ivan walking slowly on his own. Already changed clothes, and looked like his hair was a bit damp so probably he showered –gratefully– in the locker room. Dragging his left foot a little bit more than necessary and head dropped to the floor. He didn’t look like someone who had just made it to the college league.

“Ivan?” Till called out to him. Putting his phone back in his pocket, he immediately walked over to him, with worry in his eyes.

Once Till’s voice calling his name reached his ears, Ivan’s head jolted up in a bit of a shocked way. But he relaxed his expression into a more neutral one as soon as the boy was in front of him.

“Till?” He asked softly, while glancing down at him. “Were you waiting for me?”

“No, I was waiting for someone else.” He rolled his eyes, his words dripping with sarcasm.

“Ah…” Yet, his sarcastic remark didn't seem to reach Ivan properly. Which made Till a bit confused at first, as he grabbed his arm when Ivan tried to continue his way, as if it really had nothing to do with him. “Hm?”

“... Of course I was waiting for you, silly.” Till pouted softly, the orange rays of the setting sun accentuating the soft pink hue sparking on his cheeks.

“Oh…” Ivan nodded softly, and simply pressed his lips together into a thin smile.

His lack of reaction made Till really worried. “Ivan, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just a bit tired.” Letting out a soft chuckle, he resumed his walk.

Even though Till was a bit concerned by the lack of enthusiasm in Ivan’s demeanour, he didn’t press further as he started walking beside him. Sending quick glances his way along the walk, Till tried to read anything from his expression. But he found himself unable to understand Ivan’s attitude. Even if he was tired, it was uncharacteristic of him to be so quiet. Less if he had just won something so important.

He expected Ivan to jump at him as soon as he saw him. To hug him and act all clingy as usual, asking about his performance, seeking praise. And pressing his buttons to get a rise out of him for it.

Not… whatever was happening now.

His small glances had become a full, concerned stare now. And so, Ivan couldn’t continue to act as if he wasn’t aware of Till’s worry.

“How was your exam? Did good?” The question itself wasn’t what threw him off, but rather the fact he was asking about something so unimportant.

“I did.” Till answered briefly.

“Nice.” And the conversation died.

Matching Ivan’s pace, they continued to slowly make their way back to their shared room. Till glanced down after letting out a soft sigh. Noticing then how Ivan’s fingertips seemed to tremble a little bit. Unconsciously, he reached out for them. His own fingers brushed ever so slightly to the tip of Ivan’s. The other moved his hand away as if he thought the touch had been unintentional, stepping a bit more aside from him. Till frowned softly and grabbed his hand fully instead.

“Ivan, you're trembling. What’s wrong?”

Flinching at the sudden warmth of Till’s fingers surrounding his own, Ivan glanced at him with wide eyes. For a second, Till could have sworn he thought Ivan was at the verge of tears. But he quickly recomposed, and slid his hand off his, glancing at him with a practised smile.

“Probably it’s because of the rush from the match. Don’t worry.”

Then again, the conversation died as Till grew more aware that something indeed was going on. Given the way he had been acting earlier while waiting for playing, and his attitude after the victory now. Till was sure something had happened to him. But why didn’t he just tell him?

Finally, they made it to their room, and as soon as they were inside, Ivan dropped by his bed to take off his shoes. After untying them, he kicked the right one off his foot by stepping on the back. But, as he did, he winced a bit from the force he had made with his swollen left one. Till, who had watched it all, walked ahead and knelt in front of Ivan. Without waiting for permission, and giving Ivan no chance to protest, he carefully took off the shoe for him.

“You strained it again, didn’t you?” This time, Till’s question was met with silence, as he slowly traced his fingers to the visibly red area. “You shouldn’t have played in the first place if you weren’t–.”

“I was good. It was nothing then, and it is nothing now.” Ivan’s sharp voice cut him mid sentence. Till lifted up his glance, frowning slightly at the other.

“No, it is not good. If it hurts, you can complain, y’know?” Till blurted out, trying to speak as softly as he could, but the edge in Ivan’s voice seemed to rub on him a bit.

"What's the point of that? Yes, my foot hurts. I overworked myself. I wasn't ready. I need more rest. There. Happy now? I admitted to what you wanted me to.” Ivan spoke in a haste.

Till stood up abruptly, and Ivan’s gaze kept snapped to him. Those dark eyes that usually gleamed in the sight of him, felt now like a drowning void, to which nothing you’d scream into would make it across. Clenching his fists, Till tried to remain calm. Because if he snapped back at Ivan, their conversation would escalate into a fight quickly. And he didn't want that.

“Ivan, what’s wrong? You don’t look like yourself right now...” He tried to mutter as softly as he could, despite the frown on his thin eyebrows.

Ivan simply scoffed and averted his gaze. He kept quiet for a while, as if debating his next words. He was aware he was letting it all out on Till, when he wasn’t at fault for the things that consumed his mind. But he simply couldn’t help it. There was something about the way Till was saying those things that made him crave the other further. And he had to prevent that from happening if he wanted to keep the bits of sanity in his mind. If he wanted to set his life back on track…

“I’m being very much myself right now.” Ivan spat out, while fixing his eyes back on Till’s.

“Ugh! But something’s clearly troubling you! Why are you acting like an asshole instead of telling me?”

“Isn’t that what I am? An asshole? I don’t see what the deal is here.”

Letting out an exasperated groan, Till pinched the bridge of his nose. He had to calm down. He was letting Ivan get to him, and even though that was what they usually did, he could see that the intentions for doing so were much more different. Ivan was trying to pick up a fight for real this time, but why?

“Ivan.” Letting out a deep sigh, Till tried to relax the frown on his face as he glanced down at him. “If you don’t want to tell me what’s bothering you, okay. But I can still see that something’s not good. So, at least, don’t lie to me, saying you’re okay. We’re past that.”

Ivan’s eyes flickered for a moment. “Why?”

“What do you mean why?” Sighing, Till finally took a seat beside Ivan. “Because you’re my friend! I care about you. And I’m here to listen to anything that might be troubling you.”

Ivan glanced away and pressed his lips for a long while. The silence that filled the room made Till’s chest pressure tighten. It bothered him to see Ivan so troubled, yet being unable to do anything to help him. He would do anything. Literally. Anything to have that silly, goofy, mischievous and teasing Ivan back to his happy little self.

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” Ivan muttered as he fidgeted, eyes focused on his thumbs over his lap.

“Then that’s okay too. You can do whatever you want. Just don’t hide it.” Till sighed and tried to smile reassuringly, putting a hand on the other’s shoulder.

“I can do… whatever I want?” Ivan glanced at him from the side, his head still dropped, as he waited for his reply.

There was something about his face; how his eyebrows nervously twitched, or the way his eyes looked, like begging as he was left expectant of Till’s reaction and answer.

“Huh? I mean… Yeah? I’m no one to tell you what to do…”. A bit confused, and unable to make out what that face really meant, Till finally whispered as he raised his eyebrows in confusion.

“Then can I do this?”

Before Till could figure out what Ivan meant by this, he had already leaned closer and started brushing his lips against Till’s neck. Immediately, the tickling sensation made Till squirm a bit and suppress a soft gasp.

Tracing the way up to his ear after nipping softly on his earlobe, Ivan whispered. “Is it okay for me to want to do this?” The pained and confused way his voice let out of those words made Till clench his fists on the mattress.

He was unsure of what to even reply to that. What did Ivan mean? He wasn’t following. And, as he started to trace the ins of his ear with his tongue, Till started to have trouble formulating any thoughts at all.

Since Till wasn’t refusing or pushing him away, Ivan moved one of his hands to rest upon Till’s waist. At first, only letting it rest over. Until finally, digging his fingers a bit tighter onto the skin of the other boy, who involuntarily was brought closer. Until their thighs smashed together.

Glancing up at him, Ivan could easily see the confusion and expectation in Till’s gaze. He had barely done a few things, but given their past record, he was more than aware that to get him going, he needed just that or even less.

“Isn’t this what you want me to do, though?” Whispering huskily, Ivan bit down onto Till’s earlobe before pushing him down onto the bed and straddle him.

As his back was pressed down, the light of the room was immediately overshadowed by Ivan’s form above him. Till grew a bit tense and a bit nervous. He wasn’t even sure how things took this turn, and was even more uneasy because Ivan’s words were a bit conflicting.

“What do you mean with–? Ah!” Before Till could even manage to finish his question, Ivan’s hand had made its way under his shirt and was picking on one of his nipples gently.

“You expect me to do this stuff for you… So, I guess it doesn’t matter if I want to do it or not.” Ivan whispered again as he continued to roll his thumb over Till’s chest.

Biting down his lip slightly, Till had a flickering expression on his face. Ivan could see him battling to try to come up with a reply when he wasn’t giving him a chance to process his words by touching more sensitive spots of his flesh.

“Like… You want me to kiss your neck, trace it with my tongue…” As he spoke, he began to do so, bringing a soft moan out of Till’s lips. “But what if what I want is to…?”

Leaving his question unfinished, Ivan started sucking softly onto a spot on Till’s collarbone. At first, his whole body squirmed slightly underneath Ivan’s. But as soon as he felt the sharp sting of Ivan’s fang digging into his skin, he immediately pushed him by the chest.

“W-wait… That’s a bit…”

“Too much. Right?” Ivan smiled down at him bitterly, as if he was already expecting his rejection. “But it’s what I want to do, Till.”

Gently grabbing Till’s wrists with both his hands, Ivan pressed his hands at both sides of his head while leaning over his neck again. Now restricted, all he could do when Ivan repeated his act was squirm.

“Ivan, w-wait…!”

But he wouldn’t listen. And that was trouble. Ivan continued to move around certain spots on his collarbone and neck, leaving soft bites and some hickeys here and there. Till felt completely helpless as he continued to try to push the other aside, since the sensations were overwhelming him a bit.

As if testing Till, Ivan loosened his grip on one of his wrists purposely. And, as soon as that happened, he pushed Ivan away from his skin by pressing his palm onto his forehead. Trying to catch a bit of his breath, since he had been holding it all the time.

Ivan smiled down at him in that wry way again.

“I told you to wait.” Till sulked. “Can’t we just talk normally? I’m not understanding what any of this has to do with–.”

“No.” As if he was a kid throwing a tantrum, Ivan moved his hand away, and leaned in again.

Till braced for it, as he didn’t try to stop him this time. Ivan just licked over the marks, though.

Which honestly confused Till. Because, given the fact he had been claiming to want to bite him some more, he didn’t. Yet the lick over the sensitive skin was doing him exactly the same.

“You told me I could do whatever I wanted.” Ivan whispered softly as he nuzzled to his cheek gently.

“But I didn’t mean it like–.”

“You didn’t mean it?” Ivan repeated, with an interruption.

“That’s not what I said, stop cutting in–.”

“I want to do so much more to you, Till. But you don’t want me to.”

Letting out a frustrated groan, Till tried to sit up, propping himself up with his elbows. Ivan allowed him some room for movement, but didn’t budge. So, when he managed to push himself halfway up, he was almost brushing his nose onto Ivan’s chin. His heart leaped in his chest as he felt the warmth of Ivan’s breath tickling on his face. The weight of his deep, dark eyes staring right into his soul. The pressure of the cracks on their glass wall dwelling on him.

“Ivan, let's talk.”

“No. I'd rather show you.”

Refusing to comply once more, Till was then once again pressed down onto the bed. He wanted to understand what was going through Ivan's mind at the moment, but Ivan stubbornly kept pushing him away, and that started to bother Till.

Not that he could focus on the thought for too long, since Ivan’s hand on his still pinned wrist slid until clutching between his fingers tightly. All while his other hand undid his pants button and was sliding down the zipper.

Panickedly, Till stopped his hands once again. If Ivan went further on him, he was sure he would be forcefully distracted from their conversation. And the feeling something was off started to be more obvious, as Ivan refused to listen.

“Really, Ivan. Please…” Trying to rationalise with him one last time, Till gave him a pleading look.

“Why? Why do you insist on talking?” Ivan kept his fingers mere inches away from sliding down his underwear.

“Because I don’t know what you’re trying to do anymore…!” Till tried to not sound too harsh.

“You don’t have to understand. Just let me do as I have done several times before.”

Ivan continued to speak in a hushed tone. Unlike usual, there was no mischievous grin on his lips. No trace of what he was really feeling at the moment. His emotions were tightly concealed behind that soft tone of his.

“No.” Till refused one more time.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re being weird about it today, Ivan. Something’s clearly wrong, and–.” Despite the creeping frustration, Till continued to try to make his point calmly.

“Oh. So you don’t want me to change. If I acted like I did last times, could I keep going? Is that it?” The edge in Ivan’s voice started to finally cut through Till.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Are you disappointed in me, too?” The sudden question, and trembling of Ivan’s hand over his own, confused Till more. Increasing his helplessness at the moment.

“What…?”

“Since I didn’t act as you expected, as you wanted. Now you’re disappointed in me. Now you don’t want me… ”

“Ivan, I never said anything like that.”

“So, you want me?”

The question made Till freeze, his cheeks growing red again from embarrassment. But before he could say a thing, Ivan slid his hand over his crotch and grasped firmly. A muffled moan was the only thing he could make out from his lips, his fingers digging into Ivan’s arm a bit.

“True, this is all you want from me.”

“No! Ivan, I–.” Till raised his voice, starting to lose his patience.

“It’s okay, you don’t gotta pretend. It doesn’t bother me, since it’s you. Since we’re friends.”

Clicking his tongue and frowning at the way Ivan continued to cut off his words, Till tried to protest and try to fix whatever misunderstanding Ivan was creating on his own. It felt more like he was simply spiralling out loud, and he had to sit through it, unable to do anything or to make himself heard.

Despite the whole situation, as Ivan continued to move his warm hand over his dick, blood slowly started to make its way into it. Making him half hard from the constant touch. Glancing into each other’s eyes, Till couldn’t prevent the blush from spreading on his cheeks, no matter how hard he tried to put all of his mind into whatever little self control he had.

“Why are you doing all of this?” He whined softly, biting onto his lip as Ivan continued to stroke him from above his boxers.

“I’m just giving you what you want from me, Till.”

“I don’t want this from you, Ivan. Not now!” Even though he was saying that, his hand just gripped at Ivan’s arm by now, not really trying to push it aside.

“Now, who’s the liar?”

Grunting slightly, Till’s fingers dug completely into Ivan’s skin. Despite the mixed feelings and how he felt losing the battle against his own body, Till tried to get a grip. But as soon as Ivan slid a finger under the hem of his boxers, tracing his slit so gently it tickled, Till’s mind slipped away.

What was even going on? What was Ivan really thinking? Would he finally calm down if he conceded? Till simply stopped to put up a fight, and let Ivan do whatever he wanted with him. Trusting that, despite it all, the other would stop at some point.

And that brought an end to his incoherent babbling, at least. Too occupied, leaving kisses here and there. Licking, nipping at his skin, as he slowly dishevelled Till’s appearance. His T-shirt rolled all over his collarbone. Pants unzipped, and boxers pulled down. His cock hard and standing underneath Ivan’s body, sometimes brushing against the other’s clothed one as he moved over him.

After a while, Ivan suddenly paused. Both of their breaths were a mess. Till’s face was completely red and hot as he moved his sharp, teal eyes to try to figure out if Ivan had already calmed down. Because, despite his touch being gentle, there was some sort of rudeness in the way he was forcing it upon him. Yet, every time he could keep his eyes open, catching a glimpse of Ivan’s, he always seemed like he would start crying any minute. As if it pained him to touch him like this.

“Why?” A strained, rough whisper came out of Ivan’s lips. Till simply raised an eyebrow, letting him continue with whatever he was going to spout nonsense about. But the words never came.

Instead, Ivan lifted Till’s legs and pressed himself onto his ass, which made Till immediately tense and panic again.

“If I insist enough… Could I get my way here, too?” Upon hearing Ivan’s words, Till felt a knot in his throat, so he shook his head instead. “No? Ah, right… You’re stuck in the stupid illusion of doing it out of love. Sometimes, you’re just too naive… it’s almost sickening.”

Till immediately frowned after Ivan’s words. But as he was going to complain, preparing his hands, too, to finally push Ivan aside. He never managed to. He was silenced by the sudden press of Ivan’s lips over his own.

It was brief. It was soft. Tender, despite the whole situation. They barely had their lips over the other’s for a second. It could’ve been considered more of a smooch than a kiss, really. Yet, instead of the warmth and relief he should’ve felt from it, Till felt betrayed. Because Ivan’s words left one thing clear…

“See? It wasn't such a big deal. So now stop acting like a stuck-up bitch and let me fuck–.”

The slap Till gave him across the cheek echoed in the quiet room. Ivan’s eyes went wide as he was thrown off balance a little. Bringing one of his hands to his burning cheek, Ivan sat back up and turned to Till again. And, the sight of the other letting the tears run down his face as he bit onto his lip to muffle his sobs, completely broke Ivan.

He rushedly moved off Till and, without saying anything, quickly glanced around, blinking several times. Then, Ivan rushed out the room, despite the throbbing pain on his ankle.

He ran away, ran until he was sure he was alone. Somewhere cold and quiet. He ran as fast as he could, despite no one chasing after him.

Ivan glanced at his own hands, now resting on his knees over the grass. He was trembling again, no,– he truly never stopped doing so after spotting his father between the crowd. It intensified during their conversation after the match. And reached its peak point as he settled his mind to push Till away by making him hate him.

I… I’m so disgusting. Till, I’m sorry.

Hunched over himself, Ivan, too, finally let out all the emotions he had been bottling up.

Chapter Text

The sky was already pitch black outside the window, yet his palm still felt itchy, warm from the slap. Glancing down at it, Till was sitting by his bed, waiting for anything to happen.

It had been about an hour since Ivan rushed out of the room. After he left, Till kept frozen in place, crying to himself. Still trying to process all that had happened, he managed to get up, put himself together, and change into his pajamas before going to rest over his bed. And now, he started to worry where Ivan might've left to. He had rushed out at full speed, so Till was worried about his ankle, too.

Sighing and hugging his knees, Till patiently waited for the other to appear through the door. He was hurt. He was mad. But he was concerned, too. Ivan had been acting like a complete mess. Doing things without thinking. Saying things he didn't mean. Because Till was convinced, he didn't mean it. He wanted to believe that, for his sanity. And so, he was waiting for him to return. To finally talk, to try to get an explanation out of him. An apology, too. And, hopefully, they could be good again.

Past midnight, Till still had no clue of where Ivan had gone. And, given it was past curfew, he was sure he wasn't going to come anytime soon. Cuddling to a pillow, Till continued to mindlessly scroll down his phone, really not knowing what else he could do at the moment. Because he was sure he wouldn't be able to sleep any time soon.

All he could see while scrolling down social media were the images of people celebrating, partying, and enjoying themselves with their friends. As usual, after any match of Anakt's team, the fangirls had uploaded a bunch of photos of the match onto their accounts. So, just like the last time, he was flooded with the sight of Ivan. This time, however, the feeling that overwhelmed him, tightening his heart, was worry and uncertainty.

Rolling over the bed, he opened up their chat. His half written message from earlier, still waiting for him to hit send, popped up as soon as he clicked on it.

‘where are u’

Till stared at the typing bar, blinking beside the U.

After hitting send, Till turned off his screen and left his phone resting beside his head.

It was going to be a tough night.

The next morning, the dark circles under his eyes were worse than ever. As he stared at his reflection in the mirror, Till let out a soft groan. Between his puffy eyes from crying, the eye bags, and his messy hair, Till's appearance screamed, “I'm not okay.” –not that people were going to care anyway, since he didn't look too much better than usual.

Splashing his face with cold water, he tried to bring down the puffiness of his eyes, to no avail. As he dropped his head down, he noticed the redness around his collar from the bites Ivan had left on his skin. Tracing them softly with his fingertips, Till counted up to four. Two on his collarbone, one on the side of his neck and a little one almost behind his ear. Clicking his tongue, he tried to prevent his cheeks from getting pink at the thought. But, as he held a hand to cover them all and looked at his pouty self in the reflection, Till sighed.

Despite it all, I still love you… I love you so much, it's driving me crazy. Fuck.

Checking his phone by the edge of the sink, he noticed his message hadn't even been read. Sending another one, he then went off to the shower to get ready for the day ahead.

Till couldn’t help but to look around every time he stepped foot into the hallways. Whenever he was heading to his next class, he was trying to spot Ivan where he usually would catch sight of him: by the lockers chatting with his teammates; on the doorways of his classrooms, being surrounded by his friends; or by that spot behind the stairs in where he used to rest away from everyone. But there was no trace of him. As if he wasn’t there. No one had seen him either. Till tried asking around, to his teammates and classmates, but everyone simply shrugged as they went “ah, I haven’t seen him today.”

Did he skip classes? That complicated things a lot. 

By lunchtime, Till was sitting under the shade of a tree outside the main building, headphones on and head resting onto the trunk. Trying to distract his mind with some music, he started to doze off. The warm sunlight, too, was affecting his tired self, not noticing the figure that had stopped not too far behind, freezing his steps upon catching sight of him close. 

Ivan retreated a bit, hiding on the doorway as he glanced at Till.

After what he did last night, he stayed in the garden for a while, letting the cold breeze cool his mind. When it became dark enough, he managed to sneak into Marty’s dorm, after catching sight of him returning from the party. Lying by saying he forgot his key and that Till wasn’t on campus, he got a nice couch to sleep on. Only if he could’ve managed to do so. He had trouble sleeping. In fact, he did not sleep at all.

Why did he say and do that to Till? That was a question not even he had managed to figure out just yet. He acted on an impulse, all his emotions usually bottled up, overflowing in a disgusting way. Maybe it was because he had feared opening up to the other, so he pushed him away instead. Perhaps the words his father told him were to blame. They had stirred something in his mind, as if reminding him of his endless pain, and being close to Till made it a bit less painful, somehow. At least, that’s what he thought, before seeing Till break into crying.

Because he had crossed the line with those words. And he just noticed when it was too late.

If he were to apologise, would Till forgive him? Probably, he hated him now, and he wouldn’t blame him for it. But… Why did his words hurt him so much? Yes, he had been a jerk. But usually, whenever he said something like that, he received just a punch, not the tears. Or maybe he hadn’t been paying enough attention. Whatever the reason, he was fully aware he had completely ruined everything between them, and was unsure how to even approach him anymore. Did he even deserve to do so?

As he battled with his mind, he saw a pair of pink and black heads getting closer to Till. As Sua seemed to catch a glimpse of him from the corner of her eye, Ivan immediately rushed back indoors and made his escape.

“Till! Why are you sleeping outside–? My God! You look terrible.” Mizy exclaimed as she crouched beside the boy, startling herself once he opened his eyes. His tired expression did not escape her observant gaze.

Rubbing his eyes, demonstrating that his eye bags were not heavy make-up for his emo look, Till slid his headphones off his head. The music was so loud, it could still be heard even when not close to the ear.

“Mizi? Oh…and Sua, too.” He whispered a bit groggily, still not quite there to take in the reason behind the concerned looks of both girls.

“You okay? Not gonna lie, you look like shit.” Sua asked, as she crouched beside him, too.

Till raised one of his thin eyebrows before slowly frowning, processing with delay Sua’s words as an insult. “Hey–.”

“Yeah, like, total shit.” Mizi added with a soft nod that made Till flinch and look at her as if thinking, ‘Not you too!’

“It’s just an objective remark.” Sua pointed out, before he could protest again. “I knew you were an emo, but… man.”

Till, now a bit more awake, grunted softly as he waved his hands dismissively in the air. “I’m okay, I’m okay… Have you girls seen Ivan today?”

Both of them immediately crossed side glances. Immediately checking that the other had noticed exactly the same. Something must have happened.

“No, but… Have you eaten yet?” With a soft, tender voice, Mizi answered. Her sweet smile managed to somehow ease a bit of the uneasy feeling in Till’s chest as he sighed by her negative reply.

After answering with a soft shake of his head, Sua intervened. “Then come have lunch with us. You can’t stay napping under a tree and skip lunch.”

“I’m okay, just a bit tired, that’s all.” Till scratched the back of his head, not really too keen on the idea of joining them. He always felt a bit reluctant to be alone with just them, because he felt like thirdwheeling. And, at the moment, that was the least he needed.

“No. You’re coming with us!” Mizi replied, while grabbing his arm. “Come on! Let’s get something nice for the three of us!”

Before he could even complain, Sua grabbed onto his other arm, too. “Enough sulking, let’s go.”

And so, he was dragged alongside by both his friends out of campus. At first, a bit reluctant, but as he felt how both the girls seemed to have caught onto his poor state, he felt happy too. And a little bit warmer inside. Maybe it was time to open up a little bit more, to confide in someone, and get a helping hand.

As they walked by, Sua glanced back with a soft scowl on her face, pondering where the other idiot might have run off to.

She’ll probably have to give him a scolding later.

Sitting by the window in a not so crowded corner of a nearby fast food place, the three of them enjoyed a meal while discussing random stuff –well, mostly Mizi rambling about anything and Sua and Till listening.

To Till’s surprise, Mizi sat beside him instead of with Sua. And the other girl seemed to be okay with it, as she glanced at both. At first, Till feared they were going to jump straight to questioning him about the obvious gloomy cloud over his head. But they didn’t. It seemed like both the girls were just giving him a chance to distract his mind and talk, but only if he wanted to.

As he absentmindedly grabbed onto one of the fries from his tray, he couldn’t help but bolt his head up at the mention of a certain name.

“Oh, right! Ivan told me yesterday that the music festival was approved!” And the mention was completely on purpose, despite the innocent smile on Mizi’s lips as she let the words out her mouth. Because both of the girls didn’t miss the reaction of Till to Ivan’s name.

“So, you’re dragging me on stage to sing in front of all those…” Sua sighed, leaving her sentence unfinished.

“It won’t be as bad! Do you want to join us, Till? I bet you’d make a great arrangement for our song, too.”

Seeing Mizi had redirected the conversation onto music, Till felt a bit more relieved, as he finally let go of the fry, not really eating it. “I don’t know, I don’t think your voices would fit for the kind of music I do.”

Mizi laughed out loud and softly patted Till’s shoulder. “But you should totally go on stage! You have a really nice voice and musical talent.”

“Y-You think so?” Feeling a bit flustered at the sudden praise, Till drew an easy smile on his lips as he scratched his cheek softly.

“Yes, I think so, too.” Sua added, as she slurped on her empty soda. “You did pretty good in High School with all those serenades. Before you and your big guitar–.”

“Okay! Okay! No need to remember the embarrassing past!” Till immediately interrupted her, his face immediately burning up, completely ashamed. Why did a certain dark haired pair always have to remember his most embarrassing moments?

Both girls giggled softly and after their laughs died out, so did the conversation. Sua checked her phone and she started frowning slightly as soon as she did. After that, she excused herself, saying something about some kind of emergency from her club. Waving goodbye to both of them –not without giving Mizi a soft kiss on the forehead first– she left the place at a bit of a rushed pace.

Now, it was just Till and Mizi. After pondering a bit, tapping his fingers over the table as silence dragged on, Till decided to finally talk about the thing that was bothering his mind the most.

“Mizi.”

“Hm?” The girl moved her lime eyes away from the distant figure of her girlfriend outside the window.

“Do you think… you would ever hate Sua if she were to do something horrible to you?”

Mizi tilted her head, a bit confused about the way he had phrased his question. But, given how timidly he had blurted it out, she had a feeling she must not let this one conversation die so easily. Also, the premise of the question was a bit concerning. More than she had anticipated.

“Hmmm… I think she might have already done a few things I didn’t completely understand or agree with.” Till glanced at her with a confused look. “But I don't think I could ever hate her for it.” Till clenched his fists over the table as he averted his gaze. Mizi decided to continue talking. “In fact, I might have already done several more things that could have upset her, dozens of times.” She tried to brush it off with a soft laugh, scratching the back of her head.

“Really? But you two get along so well… And your relationship is going good, right?” Till turned his head slightly, raising one of his eyebrows a bit.

“Yeah. But the road is not always a bed of roses.” Mizi smiled as she dropped her gaze on her own tray. “Being too close, it is easier to hurt one another.” She had a kind of a regretful look on her face, despite the smile on her lips. As if she was remembering something she was still feeling guilty about. “Because you know too much about the other. You know where to pinch so it hurts, and you might unconsciously do it if you’re overwhelmed.”

Till now fully glanced at Mizi, a concerned look on his face as he picked up on Mizi’s words. Might she have done something similar to what Ivan did? Somehow, the idea was unbelievable for his mind. But her words seemed to match ridiculously accurately to his situation. Or maybe it was simpler. Perhaps it was just because it was something typical, something that could happen to anyone.

"And… how does that explain that you two are still okay?"

Mizi glanced at him now, her smile brightening up again. “Because we sorted it out! Apologising is always the best move. Conflict is unavoidable, because no one’s perfect, and we all make mistakes. But it’s how we go ahead, despite the discrepancies, to regret, learn and rectify, what helps us move forward.”

Silence settled in between them for a while. Till was simply glancing back at the table, and Mizi patiently awaited his next words. If he wasn’t going to talk anymore, she would then change topics to not let the atmosphere get too gloomy.

“What if… What if she told you something really bad? How would you take it?” Till broke it first, resting his back fully on the backrest of the rigid couch.

Mizi nodded softly, pondering her next words. At first, she had thought Till had done something he now regretted. But, given he was insisting on asking the opposite, she was a bit confused as to how stuff really went. Still, she didn’t need to know which side was in the wrong to be able to give her advice.

“Each person reacts differently.” She clarified first. “Sua used to say a lot of stuff that bothered me back then. But she never said it with bad intentions… So, she wouldn’t stop unless I told her that bothered me first.”

“What if, after telling her, she still continued to do so?”

Mizi's expression flickered for a moment. “Well…” Hesitating, Mizi fidgeted a little bit. “I usually avoid saying anything… But,” she let out a sigh. “Doing that just makes me bottle it up, and snap back at her later with an illusion of everything being fine in between. So, I do think that the best would be to press on to settle things. There’s no argument one of us should leave feeling hurt from. Because it would come back to bite us harder next time.”

The way she said it sounded as if it came from experience. So Till nodded softly and was now the one pressing a reassuring hand onto her shoulder.

“Thanks, Mizi.” He smiled at her gently.

“You’re welcome, Till.” She smiled back at him, and soon was showing him a full, toothy smile. “Hope you and Ivan sort it out soon!”

Till’s eyes went wide, his whole face suddenly feeling hot all of a sudden.

“W-what? H-how–? I– I mean! Why do you think this is about…?” Panicking a bit and being unable to stop his nervous stuttering, Till glanced at Mizi.

Was I THAT obvious!?  He thought.

Mizi, on the other hand, immediately froze, and after a few seconds processing it all, she moved her hands to cover her lips.

“Oops…”

…

It turned out that the bastard had seemed really unapproachable lately. No sign of him in the cafeteria. Neither in the locker hall. Nor in his student council office. And anytime he was spotted, he conveniently had an escape plan, meticulously calculated. Which started to bother Sua a lot.

With a scowl on her face, she continued to search around campus for Ivan. It was like the third time in the day, and umpteenth in the whole week.

After catching sight of him on Friday, gawking at Till with that lost puppy look on his face instead of clinging over him with that silly grin as he usually did, Sua didn’t need any more information from Till to see something had been going on between them. And to figure out that, probably, the idiot this time had been that big asshole.

So she had asked him to meet him. Something really unusual for her. To ask Ivan to meet up, just the two of them? A miracle.

Yet, the asshole had the audacity to leave her on read!?

Normally, Ivan would have started to incessantly babble and go over the sky and beyond. Saying 'If little Sua wants to voluntarily meet with me, it must be the end of the world' kind of shit. But no. He simply left her on read. Which meant he had seen her being close with Till lately and, therefore, was avoiding her because he knew she would ask.

Friday, she couldn’t manage to find him.

On the weekend, he continued to ignore her messages.

Monday? He suddenly was the busiest person on earth.

Tuesday, he sneaked as fast as he could into the lockers after practice, so she couldn’t follow him into the shower area –which she could’ve done if it weren’t for the other dudes around.

So the week hadn't been fruitful so far. It started to really tick her off.

And now it was Friday again.

He not only obviously avoided Till, since he had informed Mizi and her that Ivan hadn’t been sleeping in their dorm these past days. But also dismissed Mizi’s calls, or even hers. Ivan completely locked himself up, and it was even more impressive he managed to do so since he was usually the easiest person to find on campus.

But like hell she was going to leave him alone.

Whether she liked the idea or not, Ivan was still her friend, too. So, she was pretty much obliged to give that one a talk. Till’s hickey-covered neck hadn’t gone unnoticed by her either. And whatever happened had to be related to it. Because anytime Till spent too much time silently pondering, or the girls brought up Ivan’s name in a conversation, he seemed to run his hands around his throat lightly. Even if the marks had faded off by Tuesday.

Usually, she wouldn’t have liked to pry. Because, whatever those freaky dumbasses were up to, she better not know. But… given that both of them were acting weirdly, and as two wet, rain-soaked, sad puppies, she was sure everything had to be related, in a kind of stupid and completely avoidable kind of conflict.

As she continued to search for Ivan after her last lesson of the day, she suddenly picked out a familiar, dark-haired man in the distance. Height, hair, shape. Everything matched perfectly. He seemed to have disappeared into some of the bushes behind the walk path of the garden. And despite her reluctance to step onto the grass side and sneak behind the bushes –something she could bet was forbidden– she did so just in order to finally find Ivan.

Bingo.

There, Ivan was moving down onto the grass, ready to lay down and avoid the world for a bit more. Until he caught sight of Sua standing there, her arms crossed over her chest and glancing down at him with a scowl.

He immediately flinched and, in a swift movement, sat back up, turned a bit and put on a smile on his face.

“Oh! Little, sweet Sua~! Did you come searching for me? Aww, you missed me!” feigning ignorance, Ivan tried to sneak his way out by being a bit of his usual annoying self, so the girl would be pissed enough to walk away on her own.

“Cut it. You knew I wanted to talk to you. Don’t act as if you didn’t see my messages. Or my calls. Or Mizi’s.”

Ivan kept frozen in place, with that silly grin on his lips, while he was trying to not really die under Sua’s death stare.

After a few seconds, he finally relaxed his expression into a depleted one. Letting his back flop onto the grass again, he stared up at the few clouds in the sky.

“Guess I have no place to rest at all…” He chuckled wryly, and Sua raised one eyebrow after his sudden change of demeanor.

Moving closer, she crouched down before sitting beside him, glancing up at the sky.

It was awkward. She was usually one to listen, not to talk. But Ivan seemed like he didn’t want to talk at all. So, they stayed there without saying anything.

How would Mizi do this? Sua thought to herself as she tried her best to try to come up with a subtle way of bringing the topic. Glancing over her shoulder, she focused on Ivan’s expression as he glanced up at the sky.

Just like Till, he had terrible eye bags under his eyes. If not worse. But, unlike the other, he looked rather calm. Yet, he wasn’t able to fool Sua; she knew better than anyone else that it was just the numbness that came long after letting all your feelings out of your chest. A calmness born from a deep hurt and pain.

“Ivan.” The boy flinched upon hearing his name being called out from those lips in such a soft, calm way. It was kind of uncanny in a way. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t need to. But, if you fucked it up, which I can guess you did, just go and apologise before it’s too late.”

“How much do you know?” Glancing still up above in the sky, Ivan asked.

“Barely anything.” Sua shrugged, her eyes still fixated on Ivan’s expression.

“Ah…” 

There was a slight hint of relief as if he was glad she hadn’t got any clue as to what really happened. Not that his face showed too much expression at the moment, but after years of watching how this dork interacted with the world, it was easier to pick up on those little things.

“I don’t think I deserve forgiveness. It’s better this way too–.”

“Like hell it is. Look at you, Ivan. Do you want to keep looking like a zombie for the rest of your life? What’s your plan, avoiding Till forever?”

Biting onto his lower lip, Ivan turned his body to rest with his back to Sua instead. “Maybe it would be for the best, yes…”

"Hey, remember how you were so damn whiny for, like, the last few months?"

Ivan was a bit confused by the sudden question. Still resting on his side, he replied. “What does that have to do with…?”

“Till looks just the same now. You’ve been avoiding him, no– us. For a whole week. Remember how you used to complain to Mizi about how much you wanted for Till to tell you what was wrong, so we could all hang out together again?” As Ivan’s shoulders tensed, Sua could tell he did recall perfectly. 

Silence settled between them again. Sua was now the one looking up at the clouds in the sky. Ivan just kept on avoiding her, still resting over his side. But the girl was as stubborn as him, and she was determined to not leave that spot until he said something else or showed signs of actually doing shit.

Ivan wouldn’t lie; avoiding Till had been exhausting. But adding Sua and Mizi to the equation had been even more complicated. Because he had guessed the best was to not hang out with them, since Till didn’t have any other friends. And he didn’t want to keep taking things from him. He had hurt him enough, so, the least he could do was to be the only one to suffer on his own. He was used to. It always happened to him. Until he found them.

He had no place to fit in. No home to come back to. Friendly arms to comfort him. And he was used to it. Or thought he was.

Slowly, Ivan sat back up on the grass, still giving Sua his back. The girl glanced at him with a calm, yet expectant gaze. Taking a shuddering breath, Ivan finally spoke up.

“I… I don’t know how to face him….” Sensing he was struggling with words, and he had more things to say, Sua stayed quiet as he managed to continue speaking up. “Even if I were to get his forgiveness, it still wouldn’t change anything. I’d probably hurt him again. So, it’s best if I just delete myself from his life before that happens.”

Sua sighed. “All you’re doing is irresponsibly handling off everything you don’t want to deal with and running away.”

Ivan flinched at those words. As he turned around, surprised by her precise recall of his own words that now came back to bite him, she smiled at him, pleasantly satisfied.

After a few seconds of simply glancing at each other, Ivan finally chuckled lightly as he turned around, finally fully facing her again. Sua raised an eyebrow at his sudden laugh, her smile fading softly. And soon, she was grunting as Ivan suddenly leaped to hug her.

“Guess this means sweet little Sua and I are really alike after all~?” Ivan’s arms pressed tighter around the girl, pressing her head into his chest.

“Like hell! And let go of me, I never said you could–.” After noticing the way Ivan seemed to be trembling slightly, despite hugging her so tightly and the anxious beating of his heart, the girl bit her words. “Whatever… I’ll smack you later, consider yourself warned.” She muttered softly, as she gently patted Ivan’s arm.

“Deal…” Ivan simply nodded slowly as he continued to press his cheek on the top of his friend’s head.

After getting his warning and deserved smack on the head, Ivan walked towards the place where the outdoor stage was being constructed.

“Ivan! Finally, you’re here. I need you to check on the list of participants, because there have been minor changes.” Luna, who was overseeing it all, immediately rushed out to him.

Since the facilities had no outdoor space appropriate for this kind of event, he had tried to squeeze his brain out to figure out a way of budgeting the temporary stage construction out of the funds given by the director. The reason for it was simple enough: how can one see the stars if the thing is held indoors?

Stuff escalated insanely quickly after that, as now people from outside campus were interested in coming over to see the show. Which wasn’t so bad, but they hadn’t got time to supervise it all and decided to at least restrict the participants on stage to those in Anakt’s college. He had been both glad and a bit annoyed by the convenient excuse to keep himself busy. But, given he had been getting zero sleep lately, too much work to prepare for the festival due next week was being a bigger pain.

Grabbing the document he had been handed, Ivan revised it to check what was new.

He smiled softly upon catching sight of Mizi and Sua's names noted down on the list for a duo, thinking it would be fun to see such an introverted girl singing on stage.

“After we told that one senior that only students were allowed to participate, she changed the members registered for her band. Here.” Luna pointed to the spot on the list that had been changed.

Ivan’s eyes widened at the sight.

Vocals: Hyuna; Drums: Dewey; Bass: Hyunwoo ; Guitar: Till

“Can we squeeze in someone else?” Ivan’s sudden question made Luna tilt her head and sigh, fearing the inconvenient paperwork that would imply. She'd have to print the list for the fourth time on the day already.

“I already closed the inscriptions, so if anyone told you–.”

“It’s me.”

Luna stopped her words as Ivan glanced at her with a smile.

If all his friends were going on stage, he should too, right? After all, wherever they may go, he should follow. Unless he was willing to fall behind. But, after talking to Sua, Ivan knew what he had to do.

What he wanted to do.

Chapter Text

Making sure his guitar was perfectly tuned, Till got himself ready for the rehearsal ahead. For the last week, he had been learning the style and practicing the songs of Hyuna’s band with them in a nearby studio.

It was, of course, thanks to Mizi's insistence that he ended up tangled in that situation.

Turns out that girl, Hyuna, was Mizi's friend from some of her parties. Since the show participants were limited to students only, the usual guitarist of the band, Isaac, couldn't get in and therefore Till would supply him on stage for the meteor festival.

And given he had been rejecting joining Mizi and Sua on stage for not sharing the same style, after assuring that Hyuna's music was a match for his tastes, Till couldn't refuse those lime eyes anymore. 

He never thought that he would find himself so at ease between strangers, either. Isaac was a bit older than all of them, but he would explain to him all he needed to know so patiently he could swear this man was a saint. He was the calmest of the group, always trying to keep the burst of ideas of the twins down, so they could focus on rehearsing instead of bringing more work upon them. 

Dewey, the runner back from Anakt's football team, was also there. Which surprised Till at first. He thought all sports guys like him couldn't appreciate good music and wouldn't have it in them to be part of something as nice as a band. But then again, he was completely blinded by stereotypes. The man did really put up with the task of keeping the tempo, making the beat sound good and, of course, to be a match with insane stamina going at the drums for hours. It was impressive, and even though he was a bit too much of an extrovert for him, it was good hanging around with Dewey. 

And, well, the main stars: the twins. Both Hyuna and Hyunwoo were so talented, in sync, and definitely stole the show just by standing next to each other. He almost felt a bit reluctant to stand too close to them, as if he would be ruining their cool image with his shabby self. But they both were such angels and nice people, always giving him compliments for his fast adaptation and growth within rehearsals, that he couldn't say no to the soft, greyish-blue eyed pair.

In conclusion: he found himself enjoying his time, despite the gloominess that crept over him from having been avoided by Ivan all week.

Last Friday, after Mizi accidentally let it slip that she was aware that Till had been fighting with Ivan, he pretty much felt obliged to confess his feelings for the latter to her as well. Not because she asked him to, but Till couldn't help but babble it out as the name was brought into the table again.

His friend simply nodded through it all, and even though Till had left out all the embarrassing details of their activities for the past days, Mizi had been nice enough to keep it a secret and offer herself to mediate in. A bit too enthusiastically, but that’s just Mizi, he guessed.

So, even though he was a bit reluctant to let the girls handle it, since he felt that needing help from others to solve their problems was a bit embarrassing, Till had trusted them to get through the other.

All while he tried to not crawl back to Ivan. He knew the one who had to take this step first was Ivan, not him. And even though he had conflicting thoughts about not putting something on his part, Mizi convinced him that sometimes the best thing to do is to wait until the other is ready. And so he had been doing.

Taking advantage of the fact he was alone in the room for now, Till started to check his guitar was perfectly tuned by picking the chords. It was not a song he was going to perform or anything, rather one he had been arranging all week and refused to leave his head. Timidly, he started to sing the lyrics softly, too.

“I was made for loving you, baby. You were made for loving me… ”

“That's Kiss, right?” The cheerful voice of Hyuna, suddenly behind him, took Till by surprise. He immediately flushed in embarrassment and missed a chord.

“A-Ah! Hyuna, you're here already, haha… didn't hear you coming in.” Embarrassed about having been caught singing alone, Till averted his gaze towards his guitar. “Yeah, it's Kiss, ‘I was made for loving you’, a bit cheeky, right?” He sheepishly answered.

The girl chuckled softly as she took off her sunglasses, securing them on her head, resting against the messy bun she had her long brown hair tied in. “Not at all! It's such a nice song. But you were playing a different pitch, right? " Leaving her bag and things in a corner, her sharp eyes met Till's.

“Oh, yeah. Acorn asked me if I could help him make a version to best match his tone, so I had been doing that all week, too. But now the song is stuck in my head.” Till chuckled lightly as he explained himself.

“You really are a talented little one, aren't ya?” Smiling cheekily, Hyuna ruffled Till's messy hair as she finally was standing beside him.

“I wouldn't say so…” Till pouted a bit as he took a step back.

Hyuna sometimes was a bit too close. Passing an arm around his shoulder as she praised him; ruffling his hair or squeezing his cheeks as if he was her little brother or something whenever he was sulking… It was nice, but at the same time, he felt unsure about allowing someone else to get too close to him.

“Y'know, I've been thinking, you really have a good voice! But you should sing louder.”

“Mizi said that too, but I'm not used to singing in front of people. Also, this song is a bit…” Scratching his cheek nervously, Till glanced at his guitar once again.

“Hm? Because of the lyrics?”

“Yeah, it's a bit embarrassing to sing that too loud.”

Hyuna tilted her head, as if not seeing Till's point. “Do you love someone, Till?”

“Huh?” He instantly clutched his guitar tighter, a certain face popping into his head at the question.

“Because I think that feelings like that should be loud and clear! There's nothing embarrassing about loving someone.” Showing him a big, wide smile, the girl also winked as she moved to prepare her mic for the practice.

Hyuna's words clicked something in his mind. Right. He used to be really loud when it came to expressing his voice and feelings. His mom also told him that several times before. Since when did he become so indecisive with his feelings? When did that fear of expressing himself appear?

As he was lost in thoughts, his fingers absentmindedly running around the strings of his guitar without making any sound, Hyuna's voice cut the silence once again.

“Should we go for a duet?” The question took him by surprise.

“What?”

“As I said, you have a nice voice! And I bet you already memorised the lyrics of our song, am I wrong?”

“But that's–.” It was true; he had the whole song memorised by now, but this was their last rehearsal. Suddenly starting to add himself into the song with such short notice would be a risk he wasn't sure about making.

“You're welcome to join me for harmonising, if you don't want to sing fully on your own! Come on, bet it would sound great!”

Moving the mic in front of Till, Hyuna started to sing a cappella while marking the beat, clapping her hands.

Despite his reluctance, Till started singing along. The lyrics he had heard Hyuna practice all week coming out his lips with ease. Still, he needed to make sure to not let the others down once on stage tomorrow night, so despite the bright smile of Hyuna as they sang together before the others came in, Till didn't make her any promises of singing at all in front of all people tomorrow night.

To which the girl simply replied. “Just have fun, do what you feel like doing, what matters is that you give it your all.”

…

After an unexpected, long ass scolding from Luna for blurting out wanting to go on stage just a day before the main event, Ivan had made it back to the dorm. It was kind of uncanny for the girl to be so angry at him, which made him notice: people do really manage their words differently when stressed. Made him reflect even more as he waited for Till to arrive, sitting by his bed. 

He had been wondering if he should ask him if he was up to talk to him after all this time, but as he opened their chat –immediately marking as read the several messages Till had been sending him over the week– it was more than clear that they, for a fact, needed to talk.

He didn’t even know from where he was going to start apologizing. Yet, what he feared the most was facing Till after all this time. What would he do once he saw him? Once they were face to face, would he slap him again? Maybe punch him even?

Deserved. He thought. 

Or, would Till ignore him back? Give him a death stare? Click his tongue in annoyance for his appearance now after all this time? Any sort of recognition of his presence would be welcome, but Ivan knew he was undeserving after leaving Till hanging for so long.

Letting out a deep breath, he checked his phone once again, as he had been doing for a long while. Just to see that not even a minute had passed since the last time he looked at it.

Will he even come? I don’t know if he has been sleeping here…

Dropping his head down, glancing at his feet as he rested his body on his elbows over his knees, Ivan let out all the air he had been keeping in his lungs. Practising his words would be in vain, since he was sure he would completely go blank once Till walked through that door. Instead, he chose to let the anxiety build up inside him as he waited.

And so it happened. Once he heard the lock on the door turning, Ivan flinched in his spot and glanced over his shoulder to check on the familiar figure of Till walking in the room after a long half an hour of waiting. Not that he would complain, he was sure Till had been waiting longer than him. He would’ve waited all night, too. 

“Ivan?”

If he had felt his heart tightening in his chest earlier, just by the mere presence of Till, now that he pronounced his name out loud after so long, it leaped in his chest.

He looked beautiful, as usual. But restless, too, and he had a hunch that was his fault. Had his hair gotten a bit longer? Nah, probably he was just missing seeing him in full detail after all this time, so even the slightest difference was noticeable to him. Like the way his eye bags were a bit darker than usual. Or how his usually bright, teal eyes were a bit obscured.

And he was definitely wearing a new outfit, too. It was a dark grey, oversized T-shirt that hung low on his collar, sliding down a bit on his shoulders. He had a tight black sleeveless top underneath, one that covered up to the line of his neck. He couldn't see his collarbone, but given that the mark on the side of his neck was gone, Ivan knew that all the hickeys weren't there already. Which was both a relief and a bit of a disappointment. And for the lower part, he was wearing baggy, sporty looking cargo. Dressing comfy, and seeing the guitar case hanging on his back, Ivan could figure out why the change of style.

Not letting his mind go completely blank after getting lost in the sight of Till, Ivan immediately dropped down onto the floor, to an even more perplexed Till. Bowing down, forehead pressed right into the floor of the room, Ivan muttered.

“I’m so sorry, Till…”

Having walked in after a long and tiring practice session, the last thing Till expected to encounter once entering the room was Ivan. And least of all, Ivan immediately dropping to his knees to apologise. As he still processed the image, Till left his guitar case resting on the wardrobe as he slowly made his way into the room. Stopping only once he was towering over Ivan, whose face was still deep into the floor.

Crouching down a bit, Till noticed the way Ivan’s broad back was all tense. He at first aimed to pat him a bit, to soothe his tension. But stopped his hand just as he was about to, receding a bit, reluctant to not give in so easily.

“If you’re apologising, say it while looking at my face.”

The way Ivan flinched and trembled slightly as he hesitantly lifted up his head from the ground didn’t go unnoticed by Till. And he wasn’t expecting to find those teal eyes he adored so close to his face once he did.

“I’m really sorry, Till.” Ivan’s voice came out a bit strained.

“About?” Pressing a bit more on the matter, Till rested his cheek on his palm, staring down at Ivan’s face, which he missed for the past days. 

He looked terrible, which made him a bit happy, despite it sounding a bit twisted. It meant he hadn’t been the only one worrying about the matter, or at least, that he wasn’t the only one having trouble lately. And even if it pained him to see Ivan like that, it implied his apology carried honest guilt and regret.

"All the things I did.” Sensing in Till’s eyes that he wouldn’t be left off the hook by being vaguely general, Ivan took a deep breath as he continued to force himself to say the words, despite his trembling lips. “Ignoring you this past week. Not reading or replying to your messages. And, most importantly…” He was tempted to stomp his face into the floor as he continued his apology, but given Till had asked he glanced straight at him, he continued to do so. “About saying those horrible things to you. Trying to force you into something you didn’t want to do. Acting like an asshole when all you wanted was to help me, and… for stealing your first kiss, despite you telling me not to. I’m so sorry, Till. I don’t even expect you to forgive me, just wanted you to know that I’m really sorry. There’s no excuse for what I did. I was in the wrong and–.”

“Ivan.” As Till's strangely soft tone interrupted him, Ivan immediately shut his lips tight.

Letting out a slight puff, Till ruffled his own hair, his teal fringe becoming even more of a mess. While he did, Ivan’s dark eyes were fixed on him, as he kept still in his spot. As if afraid of his head rolling if he made a wrong move. Not that he would care if Till was going to be the one taking it. If that made him feel better, he would gladly die.

“Why did you avoid me?” Till asked, as his eyes made it back onto Ivan’s apologetic face.

“I thought it would be best if you didn’t see the face of the asshole that hurt you.”

Till clicked his tongue at the response, Ivan tensed again at that kind of reaction.

“And why did you come now, then?” From the way Till said it, Ivan could tell he wasn’t mad about it. Just trying to get him to be honest about the reason for wanting to apologise after a week of avoiding the problem.

“I…” Ivan hesitated, whether he should give him the full, honest reason or if just confessing to a half truth. He decided to go all in. “Sua made me realise that running from my mistakes wasn’t going to solve anything. That doing so was just hurting you more, and I didn’t want that.” Till seemed satisfied by the response, but Ivan hadn’t finished yet. “That, and… at the risk of seeming even more selfish…” Ivan took a deep breath as his droopy eyes softened a bit before whispering. “I missed you.”

That last part took Till by surprise. And he couldn’t help but react immediately. Feeling his cheeks go red from the tips of his ears, he pressed his eyes closed for a few seconds. Just to find Ivan's desperate glance, and ears red at the tips too, glancing back when he opened them.

“Stupid asshole…” Mumbling over his breath, Till dropped onto his knees as he pulled Ivan into a hug. “I missed you too.”

With his face deep in Till’s chest now, Ivan was surprised at first by the sudden embrace. But he very much welcomed it, as he desperately clung his hands into Till’s back, while still apologising over and over again in soft, trembling whispers. Ivan wasn’t crying, but his voice sounded at the verge of doing so. And even if he clutched to the other tightly, he seemed reluctant about this closeness. He still felt undeserving of Till’s compassion.

After a while, Till was the first to take a step back. Ivan, despite not wanting the hug to end just yet, let go of him, too, as he dropped his gaze onto the floor again.

“You’re still not forgiven, y’know?” Till muttered in a soft pout, his thin eyebrows furrowed slightly.

Ivan bit his lower lip, but simply nodded his head. “Didn’t expect you to.”

Flicking Ivan on the forehead, Till frowned even more. “I didn’t mean it that way. I will forgive you, but only if you do something first.”

Rubbing his forehead at the unexpected hit, Ivan glanced up as Till stood up slowly. He kept still, resting on his knees, while waiting for the condition to be said.

“You will have to tell me what you didn’t tell me on Thursday.” Ivan immediately averted his gaze after Till’s words. “Not now. When you’re ready to talk about it. But that’s the condition.”

“It’s a really stupid thing to get myself worked up about. It doesn’t explain what I did. I don’t think it’s important–.”

“Ivan.” Flinching once more as Till cut in his words, Ivan swallowed slowly as he removed his fingers from his forehead. “It clearly was something that affected you. Whether it makes it make sense or not, it’s secondary. What I want is for you to talk to me. To trust me.”

Immediately, Ivan’s eyes met Till’s again as the latter was taking a seat by the edge of his bed. “I trust you, Till.” 

There was no hesitation in his voice, and after saying it out loud Ivan simply noticed how simple of a fact it was. Why had he been so hesitant before, then?

“Prove it to me. Tell me what’s bothering you, don’t push me away when I’m trying to understand you, damn it…” With determination in his gaze, Till kept firm as he continued speaking. “Trust me, as I trusted you all this week. Believing that you meant no harm for me, despite all the things you did and how you acted afterwards.”

Ivan turned around, still resting over his knees on the floor. Facing Till once again, he pressed his hands onto his own thighs, as he started speaking up. “You didn't need to blindly trust in me…”

“But I did.”

They both held each other's gaze. Ivan's brows flickered at Till's blunt determination. It made his chest get ahead of himself. But he repressed the feeling. Getting greedy was what pushed them into this situation in the first place.

“Thank you, then…” Dropping his head a bit, Ivan let out a sigh. “I really… didn't mean those words. But I don't want you to blindly trust I didn't mean harm as I said them. Because I did say them, knowing you'd get mad.”

Till frowned at him. “Meaning?”

“I was, indeed, aiming to hurt you. But I regretted it instantly… I'm sorry, Till. I'm not a nice person to trust.” Ivan smiled apologetically as he clenched his fists over his thighs. Till simply sighed as he leaned forward a bit.

“Remember when we first met?” Ivan raised his head again, tilting it, as he was a bit confused by the change of topic, but he nodded nonetheless. Till continued to speak. “You pushed me, and my art project fell into the ground. Then you walked over it. And we fought. You did that on purpose, too, didn't you?”

Ivan clenched his jaw. “Yes.”

“Why?”

I wanted your attention. Ivan thought to himself, seeing where Till was coming from now. Despite him not saying it out loud, Till could see in his face that he had realised this conclusion, and spoke up again.

“You always act like an asshole. That's why I call you an asshole, silly.” Smiling a bit, Till leaned back on the bed again. “But you also repent and apologise afterwards. Or did you forget how you told the teacher that it was you who started the fight, and offered to help me redo the project as an apology?”

Ivan averted his gaze immediately. Part of what Till was saying was true. Yes, he always messed up with him. Tested his limits. Pressed his buttons. Made him angry to gain his attention, only because that was the easiest way to do so. And it was fun, too, he wasn’t going to lie. Till made the cutest faces when sulking.

But, whenever he noticed he crossed the line, he made up for it. Because he wanted Till's attention, not to hurt him and walk away like a simple bully.

“But that was then, and now things are on a whole different level…” Ivan muttered.

“Because we're closer and older now. But my point is–.”

“Yes, I didn't mean what I said.” Ivan interrupted him as he repeated the words he knew Till wanted to hear. To confirm Till's thoughts, rather than simply letting him wander again. “As back then… I acted harshly to you, unannouncedly hurt you, and as I realised, I felt guilty.” Sighing deeply, Ivan scratched the back of his head. “But yet, for you to simply trust me so easily…”

“Does it bother you?”

Till's question made Ivan ponder for a while. Knowing Till held him in a good light despite it all felt wrong for him. The normal would be to immediately drop him after repeating the cycle a few times. Because it wasn't a good thing to trust upon.

“Yes. Honestly… I don't want you to simply trust I mean no harm every time I do something.” Facing each other again, Ivan frowned a bit. “Till, what happened was no joke–. I could've done so much worse. I'm disgusting, twisted, and always end up messing with you when you don't deserve it at all. Why would you want to stick around with me? It doesn't make sense!”

Till averted his gaze at Ivan's words. He could understand where he was coming from. But at the same time, he was stubborn enough to not let it get to him easily.

It was true that part of him was reluctant to separate from Ivan, because they've been together for a long while now. Having known each other since childhood, it was difficult to get rid of someone so tightly entangled in your daily life. Till knew maybe it could be a toxic kind of attachment, but at the same time, he felt like it wasn't as much either. It was not as if his rage bait actually bothered him to that extent. And sometimes, he just played the part because he enjoyed getting all pouty if that made Ivan smile brightly. 

He wanted to trust Ivan because he wanted to understand him. He could tell each one had their way to process things, and despite Ivan's being different from his own, he wasn't simply going to point fingers at it and walk away. Not when he had noticed his pain.

“So far, this is the only thing where I thought you've crossed the line for real. Do you think I should simply drop you off for a single mistake? No second chances deserved. Is that what you think? Then why do you apologize in the first place?” Sighing softly, Till pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ivan, I want to understand you. And I'm no saint, either. I'm sure I might have hurt you too, without meaning it or even realising it, but you haven't dropped me just because of it, right?”

Till's question was met with silence. Ivan pressed his lips tightly as he listened to every single word the other was saying. He wasn't wrong, he felt undeserving of Till's empathy. And even if Till hurt him, he knew he wouldn't have second thoughts in forgetting and forgiving it. But his brain was reluctant to believe it was the same for Till. So, he simply kept on listening silently, trying to process it all while clutching onto his jeans.

“Why do you keep doing contradictory things? I'm trying to understand you. Please, let me understand you. I want to forgive you, I want to keep being around you. I'm not saying I'll overlook it all as if it didn't happen, but you're…” Biting softly on his lip, Till couldn’t prevent the blush from getting over his cheeks as he said his next words. “...you’re someone special to me, Ivan.” Ivan raised his gaze and met Till's soft expression. “I can't simply get mad forever and toss you aside over something you regret. Not when you're hurting. What kind of person do you think I am?”

“It's not that.” Finally finding his voice, for a while lost deep in his chest, Ivan spoke up. “I, too, want to be with you. But it's not that simple–. What happened that day, I… I shouldn't have done that.”

“Ivan. Honestly I was more hurt when you avoided me after all, than the fact you were a jerk that night.”

Still meeting each other's eyes, Ivan swallowed slowly. He was spiralling; they wouldn't get anywhere if he didn't stop it. He knew. He had to take a step he had been scared of taking. And whether he wanted to or not, Till had already noticed this far. He had let his walls down too much around him, and now was left too exposed. There was no point in hiding anymore. If it was going to be a problem… Keeping his thoughts bottled up wasn’t going to take him anywhere.

So, after all, the answer was simple. He had to trust Till. Trust their friendship. And he knew he did; then why was he so scared? Because there was one thing he was scared to give and scared to get rejected over: his heart.

He feared whatever outcome there was to come to it, because it was the thing he had been battling the most to control.

But… 

Glancing into Till’s eyes, knowing the other’s pure heart and empathy, despite not feeling worthy of it, Ivan wanted to trust it was going to be in good hands.

“I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you what you want to know, but I don’t want this to justify what I did in any way.” Ivan’s firm gaze reflected all the pain he had been keeping inside. The conflicting thoughts, the expectations, the hurt. But, despite it all, he didn’t want Till to pity him after he told him what snapped in him that Thursday night. It was no excuse, and he was certain of it.

“I just want to hear it if you want to talk about it. I don’t want to force you to–.” Till reluctantly clarified.

“I can tell you. I want to tell you, too.” He smiled softly. “But promise me that you won't justify my acts with pity. That you won't simply overlook it if I hurt you again thinking back on it. Please.”

“Okay, I promise.”

Taking a big, deep breath, Ivan started explaining it all to him.

“Thursday… My father was there, at the match.” Till’s eyebrows raised at the mention of Ivan’s father. 

Ivan had never told him anything, but there were certain things that even a little kid would spot easily. At school, on the rare occasions when the man came to collect his son –which was almost never– even the adults behaved strangely around him. And the looks Ivan gave Till whenever he was being picked up by different suited men the rest of the days gave him a rough idea. The fact that he addressed him as 'Father' rather than 'Dad' made it clear, too. Ivan’s relationship with him wasn't clearly the best.

“He has always wanted me to be at the top of anything I set my mind to. Whether it’s studies, sports, or… life itself.”

From the few times that Ivan had Till over at his house, it was no secret that his old man was one focused on work and his wealth. A big, neat house, with several workers to take care of the guests, and a set of strange rules they had to stick to while hanging around. Ivan's father was a serious, stern man. He was also incredibly off putting, his nonchalant appearance concealing something that had never gone unnoticed. Till remembered clearly the only time he had been face to face with Ivan’s father. And he could certainly tell he wasn’t welcomed at all.

“So, naturally, when he found out I started the match sitting by the bench, I started to worry a lot about his presence there.” Sighing slightly, Ivan scratched the back of his neck. “To make things short; he wasn’t happy about the fact I wasn’t the one to score the winning goal, either.”

“But you helped make it happen! Obviously, without you there, the match wouldn’t have gone so well.” Till protested, with a clear frown on his face.

Ivan simply shrugged. A wry smile on his lips. “That’s the least of his concerns. He just wants to aim for the most profit out of every situation. And I disappointed him.” Sensing Till was gonna interrupt him again, he lifted his hand to prevent him from doing so. “And my fans, and my friends, too. My father’s expectations aren’t the only ones I carry with day to day.”

Ivan’s dark gaze was fixed at some point between Till’s bootlaces. Silence settled in between them for a while, both trying to think of where to continue speaking next.

Is that why he asked if he disappointed me, too? Till thought.

“What do you mean by disappointing fans and friends?”

“When the match was on, it was clear, from the way I was cheered on and glanced upon, that everyone expected me to be the one turning the loss into a win.” Till clutched his hands in his knees, as he couldn’t really deny it. “After the match, lots of people came. All congratulated me, but most had a bitter remark, letting out they would’ve expected another outcome, too. At first I didn’t care, but when my father stopped me before going to the showers, it all weighed upon me badly.”

“Did he tell you something about the match?” Till asked, worriedly.

“Not really.” Ivan shrugged again. “He simply gave a report on the facts and stuff to consider prior to the next event, as if I was simply an unpolished brat, unworthy of even the tiniest praise. As usual. We didn’t properly talk.” His thick eyebrows flinched a bit before saying the next words. "But then, before leaving, he told me something that stuck in my brain badly.” He pressed his lips for a while before repeating his father’s words, as he recalled them perfectly. “Make yourself worth the investment.”

“What?” His teal eyes found Ivan’s again as he finally glanced back up at his face.

The smile he had on his lips was uncanny. “Till, my father sees me as a means to an end. I’m his property. How I live, what I do, my wants and needs. It made me remember everything is limited to what my father wants for me. And if I don’t keep up with it, he’ll probably toss me aside. He didn’t even want me in the first place.”

“That’s–!”

Ivan raised his hand again. “I’m speaking objectively. He told me himself. Long ago, too. I’m only here because my mother insisted on having a child of her own.” He could tell what was behind Till’s glance, so he rushed to continue speaking. “Don’t pity me. I don’t want you to. Please. That’s beyond the point.” Reluctantly, Till closed his lips again and listened to Ivan’s next words. “To resume things a bit… I was raised to fulfill a need for others. Knowing I couldn’t do what I wanted. That I couldn’t desire anything because it wouldn’t align with my father’s wants. So, I always worked myself to meet those expectations from others. It’s something I’ve grown used to, and I know it’s a thing you have pointed out to hate a lot, too.” Till bit his lip slightly after Ivan’s words, even though he knew he wasn’t complaining. “What I’m getting at is… That night, after spiralling a lot on things I should’ve been doing for others, you, pointing out my need to complain, or telling me to do what I wanted, snapped something in me.”

“Ivan…”

They stayed silent for a while. Ivan processed the fact that he had finally managed to tell all this to someone. Despite calling Mizi his best friend, he never would’ve told her this far. Because he knew bothering her with all of that was just unnecessary. It didn’t affect the way they could be friends, so he thought he was okay with that. But now, after telling Till all of it, he felt strangely lighter. His worries, concerns, and complaints. All of them being seen, validated.

On the other side, Till was overwhelmed by all the sudden new info. It made sense from what he had seen this far. But at the same time, he felt like he was a bit of a bad friend for not having known something as important as that. He never thought to ask, but given how long Ivan had kept it hidden, it was unsure if he would've known if the situation hadn't gotten this far. 

Shaking his head softly, Till tried to push away the new information about him. It made him mad to know some parents would see their children like that, as a thing. What difference was it from raising a pet, then? It made Till want to punch some adults. But all the questions that came with that revelation were pushed aside, because he knew Ivan didn't want him to ask about that. Or to do anything of the sort for him. It wasn't the point now.

“Whenever I'm around you, I just can't control my emotions.” Ivan's sudden declaration made Till raise his head again.

“What do you mean?”

“Bad emotions, good emotions. Whatever I'm feeling at the moment, I don't see a need to push them within me when I'm around you.” Ivan tried to explain himself as he fidgeted a bit. “I know it sounds silly… but… Till, you've been my safe space all this time.”

Widening his eyes, Till blinked repeatedly, understanding a bit more now. He wasn't crazy after all; it was true, Ivan acted more openly around him. That's what he meant. That's why he was so clingy whenever he was happy. Or so snappy whenever he was pissed.

Ivan didn't hide his emotions with him. He let them go all out, whether it was for the best or the worst. If he was happy, he would be overly happy around. But if he was pissed, then he would let out all his frustrations on Till. Because he had nowhere else to let all those feelings out.

It was not the best way to go about things. Both of them knew. Till could tell, given Ivan's expression, and how he dropped his head at the thought, it was clear he wasn't happy about it either. But Till couldn't blame him. Given what he carried with him, Till couldn't help but feel selfishly satisfied that he was such a place for Ivan, too.

And so, Ivan’s words finally gave an explanation to the events from that night. Now, all of Ivan’s initial anger made kind of sense. Till had ticked him by telling him what to do with the ankle thing. Given Ivan was already on edge and he didn't restrain around him, he felt doubly bothered by it. Feeling still restricted in a place you felt like you could relax about it all probably wasn't a nice feeling. But then, Till soothed it a bit by letting him complain, despite it not changing anything. Because his irritation was still there, and Till scolding him and telling him what he would expect of him to do or how to act, just made it all worse.

One step forward, two steps back. It was still the wrong thing to do, since Till didn’t know, and wouldn’t have if he didn’t press on it. But he could now at least understand.

Ivan’s puzzling questions fell into place, too.

“Can I do whatever I want?”

“Is it okay for me to want to do this?”

“Isn’t this what you want me to do, though?”

“Are you disappointed in me, too?”

Some things were a bit uncertain, but at least Till had a better idea of why he acted like he did at first. It didn’t explain the last and most important part of it all, though.

What was the reason for his insistence on having sex with him, which even led him to use such harsh words and kiss him?

“Do you want me, Ivan?” Till blurted out the question before he could even process having said those words.

Their eyes met again. Such a blunt question took Ivan by surprise, leaving him wide-eyed. Till immediately turned red again once he realised what he had just asked. Despite the surprise on both their faces, they were both unaware of the red gleam that mirrored as they stared at each other.

“I-I mean–!” Till tried to correct himself.

“Yes.” Ivan cut in, answering briefly.

“Huh?”

“Yes, I want you.” Ivan repeated himself, Till’s face getting even redder after the other shamelessly admitted to it. “Till, you’re the first and only thing I ever wished for in my whole existence.” 

Such words, close to a love declaration, made Till’s mind go blank as he blinked repeatedly, feeling overwhelmed by Ivan’s deep adoring gaze. The fact he was still kneeling on the floor, glancing up at him as he told him so, wasn’t helping. And as he continued, Till’s heartbeat started to muffle a bit of Ivan’s voice with its loud beating.

“You’re like a shining distant star. Something beautiful, bright and life giving. But out of reach. Something I can’t have, despite wanting to reach for it so badly.” Ivan dropped his sight, sensing his intense gaze was overwhelming the other. “Yet, I dared to reach over. And somehow managed to hurt you when I should be the only one getting burned. So, what I want doesn’t matter after all. You made it clear, and I respect that. I’ll keep myself in check. You’re important to me, too, Till. And I don’t want to lose you just for being selfish and horny.”

Till’s voice was lost somewhere in his throat. He wanted to say something, but he was just so overwhelmed at the words he was hearing. 

Ivan spoke up again, once the words said his emotions flooded out uncontrollably. “I know you’ve probably got enough of me forcing myself upon you… So I will stop once and for all if you really decide to forgive me and keep hanging with me.”

“You’re not…forcing me.” Till managed to protest between his teeth. 

Ivan simply smiled softly. “But I have crossed the line. You don't need to make sense of it, I deserved more than a slap.”

Sighing deeply, Till fidgeted a bit. It was difficult to form coherent thoughts at the moment, too many things to process at once. Was this a love confession? Ivan wasn’t saying the words directly, and that made him even more confused. But it definitely felt like that.

Yet he was making it sound as if that wasn’t it.

After all, Ivan just confessed a want, and even if that made him happy, it wasn't what he fully wanted either.

Were they on different lines?

Ivan wanted his body.

Till wanted  his heart. Body too, but that was secondary.

For Till, the condition to give his body was to have back the heart. But it didn't seem as if Ivan was willing to give it. Or, at least, that was what he was making it seem like. Glancing at Ivan from the corner of his eye, Till pondered for a while. It made kind of sense in a way. You can’t expect someone to do all that they had been doing this past weeks without wanting and expecting something more. He knew better than anyone, given he was sure that, despite his own principles, he would have thrown it all away for a night with Ivan. He had been too slow to realise it, that talking about it would only worsen his already flushed state. But Ivan telling him he wanted him; that he was important to him and didn't want to lose him, simply left him speechless.

Was that really just it? Simple lust and desire? Was there no other way for them to work? He felt a bit bitter at the thought. But he had a hunch that it was not like that at all. Blissful thinking, maybe.

After all, there were some things waiting for an explanation.

Like that almost kiss a week ago. Ivan wasn't trying to get into his pants then. Or at least, it didn’t seem like it. He wasn't acting frustrated, either. They were fine, acted silly and fooled around a bit. He didn’t get mad about being stopped once. And he tried to kiss him after stating the requirements. 

Was that just a want, too? 

Or how he had been all nice and attentive during their previous encounters, always eager to please Till, even if that left him unsatisfied. Even if he was acting on his usual self of pleasing others, that didn't add up with him confessing that didn't happen around him.

Because, if all he really wanted was to get in his pants, he could’ve done so easily. Yet, he walked at his same pace at first. Ivan hadn’t been selfish at all, if anyone had been selfish so far, it was him.

And he was still being, keeping his thoughts on all of this to himself, despite Ivan being on his knees and opening up to him. It stung, and made Till bite his lower lip.

“To make things clear.” Managing to drag his voice out of his throat, Till broke the silence. “The thing that bothered me was the words you said to pressure me into going all the way.” Ivan blinked slowly at Till’s words. “Because… it felt as if you didn’t care about my feelings at all.”

“That's not what I actually–.” Till raised a hand to prevent Ivan from repeating himself.

“But… uh. I was okay with the rest… because it was you.” Ivan tilted his head, eyes wide in confusion at Till’s roundabout with words. “I- I mean! You should have talked to me instead. But… I didn’t mind your touch if that’s what you were worried about…”

Ivan blinked a bit and pressed his lips together. “You can’t say things like that…” He complained a bit in a sulky tone. The tip of his ears red as he battled to keep himself in check and act responsible for his actions. “Friends don’t do all that, and I’m sure I will hurt you if I cross that line again. So, I will get rid of this shallow want. Once again, I’m sorry… Even if I was frustrated, or if you were okay with it, I shouldn’t have done that to you. And… For making you think I didn’t trust you, too. I’m really sorry, Till.”

The word friends stung a little bit. It made Till frown, but he didn’t comment on it. He understood the other’s point, but yet to withdraw from it all as if it changed anything… 

“If this is what you really want. To stop uh…” He felt terribly embarrassed of saying it, but did so anyway. “...doing all that… I understand. But only if it’s what you really want.”

Till's eyes met Ivan's, who smiled with a pained expression.

“It's for the best.”

Frowning a bit more, Till insisted.

“But, do you want it to end?” 

They held each other's gaze for a while. Till was convinced that Ivan's silence was already his answer. He didn't want to drop on that, but was willing to do just for him. He wasn't simply going to offer himself up to Ivan if he told him no, but as he had previously said: he just wanted him to be honest.

“No. But it's for the best.” Ivan repeated himself as he smiled a bit. “I don't want to get something if it means going against what you want.”

Till sighed, turning his head to the side for a while. He understood that, but what if he wanted Ivan, too? Pouting slightly, he kept the words to himself. Because he didn't feel brave enough to mutter them out. He was so pathetic. Why was he getting scared like an idiot? Why couldn’t he get the words across and close the distance between them? He was, yet again, widening it instead. 

And somehow he couldn’t prevent himself from doing so. 

If Ivan had been clearer about his intentions. If he had used the word ‘love’ instead of ‘want’, would it be different?

No. You’re blaming him when the one who can’t open up it’s you. Till internally cursed himself, and despite his heart screaming like crazy, he let the fear of rejection control him.

“Okay, okay…” Till finally broke the silence and let out a deep breath. It had been a long day, he was tired and thinking so much now wouldn't do him any good. At least they could go back to being friends now. Despite his reluctance at the moment. “Get up off the floor already. I’m starting to not feel my neck from looking down…” Trying to brush it off a little by downplaying everything, Till went back to his usual self. Breaking a bit of the tense ambience between them and losing his chance to put an end to them talking past each other.

Ivan simply smiled as he nodded. “Let’s both go to sleep already, it’s late, and you look like shit.”

“I bet you look shittier, tho” Till frowned in response as he pointed at Ivan. “Look at those damn ugly dark circles. I’m used to mine by now, but you? Man…”

Chuckling a bit after making fun of each other for a while, Ivan simply shook his head as he finally got up off the floor. Dusting himself off, he disappeared into the bathroom after catching clothes to change into.

Till’s eyes didn’t leave his form, though. The rushed beating of his heart, screaming to be let heard and out. Nagging at him for letting him off the conversation just like that.

After all that had happened, it felt as if he was hesitantly drawing a line between them with a marker on the floor. Despite the glass from their broken wall, all shattered around them. Just that, this time, Till had a hunch that he would be the one to overstep it. 

I'm a fucking idiot. He groaned as he smacked his forehead and dropped his back onto the bed.

…

Checking herself with the front camera of her phone, Mizi fixed her bangs a bit as she was waiting backstage.

“There’s lots of people outside… I don’t know if I can handle all that.” At Sua’s voice, the pink haired girl immediately turned her attention to her girlfriend, rushing to her side.

Pressing her chin over Sua’s shoulder, Mizi peeked out to see the gathering crowd at the front of the stage. “Don’t worry, sweetie! All you gotta do is focus your eyes on me only.”

At her cheerful remark, Sua smiled softly as she turned her eyes away from the people that were making her regret having accepted to be on stage in the first place. But, as soon as her purple eyes lingered on the bright lime ones of Mizi, she felt a bit at ease.

“If I miss my lines, you’d have to sing in my stead…”

“Hehe, don’t worry! I got your back. I’m sure you will not miss the cue, tho!” Kissing the other girl's cheek with a soft chuckle, both the girls turned around as some more people joined them backstage.

It was already dark outside, but the falling stars weren’t expected until a few more hours in the night. It seemed like the organiser had made sure to plan everything perfectly in sync around the meteor shower. The concert would start in half an hour or so, go on for around two hours, and finish just at the time the first falling stars would show up in the night sky. All lights from stage and campus would be turned off by then to make sure the best experience for sightseeing, and then after it is done, the party would go on. Mizi was really enthusiastic about the idea, and wanted to compliment her friend for coming up with such a perfect schedule. Or, as Till would’ve said, of course, you could leave it to an astro freak like Ivan.

Speaking of which… Where are those two?

“You talked to Ivan yesterday, right, babe?” Holding onto Sua from behind, Mizi asked as she tried to catch a certain teal hair from the people coming in.

“Yeah… But I don’t know if he understood the task properly.” Sua answered, as she rested her head onto Mizi’s chest, eyes closed.

“Hm…” Humming softly, Mizi waved her hand after spotting Hyuna coming in with her brother to check in with Luna. But Till wasn’t with them just yet. “Have a little faith in him.”

“That’s exactly the problem…” Sighing, Sua finally opened her eyes and took a step forward, to turn around and face Mizi. Cupping her girlfriend's cheeks, she spoke again. “If your plan doesn’t work, promise me you won’t try to press on it.”

Blinking softly, Mizi locked eyes with Sua. Pouting slightly, with her lips squished, she answered. “I know it will work! They both love each other, just need a little push to confess… That’s it!”

“Mizi.” Her voice was soft, yet a bit sharp. But her hands were tender and warm over Mizi’s cheeks. “I know you want to cheer on them. And to see them happy. Me too. But if it doesn’t work… let them be. Okay?”

“Okay…” She replied with a sulking tone.

When Hyuna finally came closer, their conversation drifted away to the matter at hand: the concert. It was like a dream for Mizi to sing on stage with Sua. It meant a lot to her that her usually timid girlfriend was willing to do something she wasn’t completely comfortable with just for her silly dream to come true. It made her feel a bit bad, too, because she didn’t want to force Sua to do anything she didn’t want to. But she was happy that it turned out this way. Now, all that was left was for her two friends to finally start going out with each other, too. That way, they could go on double dates, share dating spots and advice… It would be so fun! All the boys needed to do was to do everything as she had planned it.

Because her slip on the tongue last Friday was completely on purpose. She was a bit done playing pretend, faking she didn’t know Till had been talking about Ivan, indirectly asking for advice on a relationship he didn’t have yet. So, when Till simply confessed straight to her his feelings for Ivan, by just pressing a bit on the matter, Mizi felt satisfied. Just like Ivan, it was easy to figure them out.

Then, why were they still stuck, seeing past each other, if they both were desperately locked to the other? It made no sense for her. She and Sua had noticed so easily; it was clear since the start they were more than friends. Yet their complications came from other problems. But not for overlooking the other’s love.

Hints here and there. Those twoo were fast to react on things others dropped to them. So, Mizi was sure her plan wasn’t going to fail. It couldn’t, not after all this time.

“Are you girls nervous?” Hyuna’s voice brought her back to the present.

“Not at all! I’m more excited than anything.” Mizi said cheerfully.

“Ugh… I do think I might throw up…” Sua replied, as she fidgeted a bit.

To which Hyuna laughed softly and patted the dark haired girl under the attentive sight of her girlfriend. “You’d do fine, cutie! All you gotta do is focus your mind on your lovely girlfriend beside you.”

Sighing a bit, Sua looked away, with a faint blush on her cheeks. Despite her reluctance, being told that twice already made her bring out a smile and eased her anxiety a little bit.

“How did it go with Till, Hyuna?” Mizi asked with a bright smile.

The thick, brown eyebrows of Hyuna raised up immediately. “He’s a genius! I want to adopt him into our band.” She declared enthusiastically. “If it weren’t because he seems like a scaredy-cat… Nothing that a few more weeks with us couldn’t change tho, hahaha!”

“I know, right? He’s like totally born to be on stage!” Laughing softly, Mizi’s sharp gaze spotted Till, checking in behind. He was accompanied by Dewey, so probably they would come closer to get Hyuna and gather all the band. Knowing the boys might hear their conversation, Mizi continued to speak. “It would be so nice if he sang too, tho! He has such a nice voice, I bet he would rock the stage!”

“Yeah! I told him, but he wouldn’t listen… No point in forcing him.” Hyuna shrugged, unaware the person they were talking about was closing in behind.

“There’s a song on the list of the ones staged today that I bet he would rock if he went to sing instead of the one doing so!”

As Till and Dewey finally were close, the conversation shifted immediately to ask about nervousness again, and Mizi analysed Till’s behaviour instantly. He looked like he managed to catch a bit more sleep, or that he did put on some make-up. Because his eye bags weren’t too dark today. He also seemed a bit more relaxed, despite the obvious tension for the coming event. Like, it was clear there were less things lingering on his mind. Not everything, but at least something was solved.

Not too long after, Ivan came in from the other side of the backstage. If Luna was making sure everyone was close now that they were going to start, Ivan seemed to come from checking all the technical issues were taken care of.

“Mics are ready. If anyone has an instrument to check upon, please come with me, so we can run a little test before the thing starts.” Talking calmly and in a polite manner, Ivan informed with a loud tone that gained the attention of everyone.

“Ah, right, the sound check.” Clasping onto his guitar case, Till walked along with the rest of participants, reaching closer to Ivan.

As Mizi saw how Ivan smiled and engaged with Till once they started walking towards the stage, she grinned. They really had sorted it out, which meant…

“Part two of the plan starts now!”

After her sudden exclamation, both Sua and Hyuna glanced at the girl. Both of them perplexed by different matters, though.

Chapter Text

Maybe it was because he had been talking about past times, but Till had a dream that night. Or, rather, he recalled a memory from back then.

It was midsummer. Ivan had waited for him by the school gates, despite him not having to attend the extra lessons. Unlike Till, Ivan didn’t fail any signatures yet, there he was; waiting for him outside. But the first thing Till did as he was face to face with that sly grin –silly fang peeking out mischievously of Ivan's lips as he cheerfully greeted him– was to punch the other in the face. Ivan just laughed, punched back, and they started to fight in front of the school gates.

That day Till simply couldn’t stand it anymore. Fighting over a stolen pencil, getting so worked up about it because it had a trinket given by Mizi. And because Till was fed up by Ivan’s constant mischief, despite the other never admitting his fault as he returned the stuff from time to time. 

After the fight, Till started to panic as he didn’t want his mom to find out he had been fighting again, so he and Ivan roamed around the town, bought a box of band aids and disinfectant, and took care of each other’s wounds sitting by the grass of a nearby park.

As they waited for their swollen cheeks to puff down, it became really late. Ivan glanced upon the starry night sky, a little smile on his lips, as the stars shone brightly that night.

“Y’know? There’s two things I love the most in this world.”

At Ivan’s sudden words, Till lifted his teal gaze from his red knuckles and felt a sting in his chest as he looked at Ivan’s dark eyes, reflecting the beautiful starry sky above.

“One of them is the stars.” Extending his hand up, as he let himself drop his back onto the grass, he moved his fingers as if trying to hold all of them underneath his palm. “They’re the most beautiful things in the distant universe. Always shining, always there for you.”

“Stars only appear at night, idiot.” Till protested, as he glanced up at the night sky too.

“Wrong.” Ivan chuckled lightly, and Till grunted softly. As he turned, as if ready to continue the fight where they left it off, Till stopped his hands as he saw the soft smile on Ivan’s lips, his eyes still fixed on the sky. “The sun is a star, too, Till.”

Feeling a bit dumb for such an obvious statement, Till immediately turned away and dropped to lay beside Ivan.

“And the other thing?” He asked after a while of comfortable silence of star gazing.

“Hm? What other thing?”

“The other thing you love the most in this world.” As Till pressed, they both turned to glance at each other.

The eyes Ivan gave him shone even more brightly as he looked at Till, than when he looked at the stars above.

“Did I punch you too hard? I only said I love the stars.”

Cursing and pouting after being made fun of, Till didn’t dare to ask a second time. As he caught his things and started walking home, Ivan rushed behind him, telling him more gibberish to rile him up.

It was so silly.

It was so dumb.

Yet it was so innocent and sincere, too.

Waking up after recalling such a memory, Till’s eyes drifted immediately to catch sight of Ivan sleeping, wrapped like a bug, on the bed across the room. Clutching onto the sheets softly, Till pondered for a while. He could barely recall all the times from their past together, yet that memory was one that refused to leave his head. It was not the first time he had remembered it while sleeping. Whenever he was tired the most, he would dream of it and wake up full energized the morning after.

It was strange.

He never understood the reason why that day was so stuck in his head and had such an effect on him.

But now…

Ivan loves the stars… Till thought as his teal eyes fixated again on the sleeping figure of his roommate.

That night, Till had a really pleasant sleep. And woke up to a delayed realisation.

“You’re like a shining distant star.” 

…

“You listening? Do not touch the cables at all.” The harsh tone and the cold stare of those golden eyes his way made Till straighten his posture and drift his sight immediately back to the blond beside him.

“Got it…”

“Like. At all. Your guitar was already tuned, right? Then leave it as it is here.” Till felt a bit too thrown back by the bossy attitude of the man, but he was too distracted trying to glance at Ivan in the distance to care and point it out.

“Luka! Didn't know you were in charge of technicities, bro!” Hyunwoo, suddenly appearing and throwing his hands around the blond, gave Till his chance to escape the situation.

He could say that the soundcheck had gone well. His guitar was already tuned in perfectly, and he barely had to touch a thing. Not that he would: the cold stare of those golden eyes of the senior –which he now knew was called Luka– in charge of making the devices be spotless for the show, made clear he was not to mess with anything unless he wanted to ruin it for everyone.

Given that Hyunwoo addressed him by name, he figured he was a friend or a fan of Hyuna’s band or something, because he seemed to warn the bassist just the same, despite not telling a thing to the other participants at all.

“Don’t mind Luka’s words too much.” Ivan’s voice coming from behind suddenly startled Till a little, as he turned around. “He’s a bit too perfectionist about these things. He almost cursed me as we were preparing everything for not putting Hyuna as the opener or closer of the night. Or give her more time on stage. I think he might be a bit obsessed.” Chuckling softly, Ivan rested the clipboard, in which he had the schedule and all important information about the show, on his shoulder.

Till let out a sigh. “I don’t know, but that means he will take good care of my guitar, at least…”

After last night's talk, both of them seemed to be back to normal. There was yet some reluctance in the way Ivan approached him, but Till could tell he was just trying his best to not overstep once more, and moving just as much as he allowed him to. 

He wasn’t jumping straight over him at every given chance. Or trying to get on his nerves, saying inappropriate stuff at the wrong times and places. He was just being… normal? To a certain extent, at least.

But for Till, it was the opposite. Whenever they engaged through the day, if Ivan kept him at arm's length, Till would pull him in. Reaching over the line and testing how much resistance the other was putting in staying away. That, and he had been trying to figure out a way to tell Ivan what he had been keeping all this time.

Yet, all his attempts had failed miserably so far.

It was like his mind went completely blank as he even considered voicing his feelings out.

“Are you the MC tonight?” Stepping a bit closer, Till tried to hide his need to make the distance between them disappear, by trying to take a peek on the papers over his shoulder.

“Yes. Luna insisted that if I wanted to go on stage so badly, I should be in charge of this role, then.” Ivan chuckled, and despite Till finding the words a bit confusing because he was lacking some context, he didn’t press further as his eyes lingered on the board.

“Mizi and Sua are going first!? You did it on purpose, didn’t you?” Glancing at Ivan with a sceptical stare, Till bumped his chest lightly with his fist.

His hand stayed over Ivan's torso more than necessary.

“Hahaha, yes, I did. Mizi asked me to, though!” He laughed, his fangs beautifully stealing the spotlight.

“I hope they do well, opening it all is such a big pressure… I’m glad it’s not us, tho.” Shaking his head, Till glanced back upon the girls chatting backstage.

“You can rest for a while, since your performance is scheduled near mid-end. But don't go too far anyway, my future rockstar!” Ruffling Till’s hair, messing it all a little bit, Ivan started to walk away, as someone called to check in something with him.

And so, Till was left behind with a pout on his lips, cheeks red and fixing his hair back.

It had been just like that all day. Whenever he got a second to talk to Ivan, someone else would steal him away for something related to the event.

Not that he was complaining about it, rather feeling a bit down at the thought. Starting to think he had missed his cue when it was due. Yet, even if he was to be alone with Ivan again, he was hesitant he could ever say the words out loud. It was as if a knot was tied up on his throat, pushing his feelings at the bottom of his stomach. Making him nauseous about bottling it all, but unable to make it stop.

Sighing deeply, he glanced at Ivan in the distance.

He had dressed up for the occasion. Till had never seen him wearing an all-black outfit, but it looked incredibly good on him. Ivan’s black shirt was tucked in the waist of his high rise dark pants, making his silhouette look more inverted triangle shaped, and was wearing some nice and shiny loafers that gave his outfit the formal last drop. His hair was all styled back, some messy strands falling into his forehead rebelliously, but he looked really fine. Not that it wasn’t the case any other time, but he was rather different that night, and it made Till’s heart race fast in his chest. Making it almost impossible to hold onto it.

But perhaps Till was just desperately in love with him, and that's why he looked so handsome in his eyes.

Ivan glanced over and caught him staring. As Till was going to avert his gaze, Ivan simply stared back. He could easily follow how his eyes went up and down on him, giving him goosebumps and making him static for a while. Not wanting to interrupt the scan back.

Till wasn’t pulling any outfit out of the usual emo/punkish line that he normally wore. But he, for sure, tried to put some intention into it, so as to at least look a bit more cool and decent than daily. He was wearing a sleeveless top, tucked in his baggy, ragged grey jeans. A denim vest, fully opened and covered in some nice pins and badges, and he even put on a loose red tie to put some kind of formal wear on himself. His hair was styled back, too. He didn’t want his bangs getting in the middle while performing. Not that he would miss a chord by not seeing the strings, but just to make sure. Though, he wasn’t going to lie. It felt a bit weird not having half his face covered by his fringe.

After finishing his eye scan, Ivan gave him a thumbs up, telling him he looked just fine –maybe as if in a sort of a compensation for being the one messing his hair in the first place– and turned his attention to someone else again.

He seemed busy, so, clutching onto his chest, Till made his way to rest by the sidelines until it was his time to go on stage.

Yet Ivan’s eyes never truly left his form. Still following Till, as his silhouette disappeared backstage.

It had been a rough day for Ivan, too. He had also noticed that Till was acting a bit strangely. It wasn't a bad thing, but it made him a little worried that something had changed between them after last night's confession. It looked as if Till wanted to say something, but Ivan never got the chance to directly ask him about it. Not that he was certain of wanting to know whatever Till wanted to tell him. Because, after all, if it had something to do with yesterday’s talk, he would rather avoid it. It was clear, given Till’s insistence, that he had been lingering on that want thing for too long. Probably just felt bad about keeping him from having the one thing he wanted. And that was why Ivan was so reluctant to ask Till about it. Because, if he was going to concede out of pity, he didn’t want it.

He thought everything would eventually return to normal after a couple of days.

As time dragged on, Till could overhear the nervousness in the distant conversation of his friends, ready to go on stage in just a few minutes. Both girls looked radiantly beautiful, wearing matching clothes and purposely staying as close as they could to each other. He felt happy for them, and a bit envious, too. Wearing matching outfits and showing off how much they loved the other, it seemed a nice thing to do.

Shaking his head slightly, he tried to shake off the thoughts as he gave thumbs up to both girls that waved at him as they went to the stage as soon as Ivan presented them. With a roaring applause, Till started to feel nervous himself, because the crowd seemed to be bigger than he first thought it would be.

Trying to peek in a bit from the sidelines, both to see his friends performing and getting used to seeing such a crowd ahead of him, Till was soon accompanied by Ivan that sneaked out the stage, leaving the girls alone in the spotlight.

No one said a thing, as both of them were focused on the girls ahead, who soon were illuminated by a soft, pinkish light that circled around them and made it look almost as if it was just the two of them in the world now.

Soft, gentle music started to play. Till felt his heart hammering in his chest, feeling nervous about Ivan’s closeness, as if he was standing on stage like Mizi and Sua were. Both of the girls were staring into each other’s eyes. It was rather clear they were nervous as well, and Till brushed off his state as being simply too empathetic about the situation of his friends. Despite being fully aware he was just lying to himself, pushing everything deep in his chest, as he simply tried to focus on silently cheering for his friends.

“Love is patient, love is kind.

Love is the hardest thing to find.”

Of course they would sing such a cheesy love song. Till thought, with a smile on his face, as soon as Mizi’s voice calmly started singing aloud. Both feeling proud and letting himself get warm in the feeling of such a gentle voice.

“Cause I thought that I found it.

A good thing turned bad and I started to doubt it.”

Pressing his lips together, the lyrics made him unconsciously glance towards the one standing beside him. Love. He had no doubts now that the feeling which tightened in his throat as it tried to make its way out, was indeed love. A desperate one, on top of that. He loved Ivan, and… had a hunch Ivan did love him back, too. But just a hunch didn’t help him about voicing his feelings at all. Which made his inner voice get lost in the turmoil of his insecurities.

The song hit too close to home.

Shaking his head, Till forced himself to glance upon the girls on stage again. As the chorus started, Mizi and Sua harmonised together with such perfect sync, that made the task easier on him.

“What I would do.

What I would say.

The lengths I would go to the measures I'd take to be loved…”

Ivan, too, glanced at Till out of the corner of his eye this time. The lyrics made his chest sting a little bit. He hadn’t given up on loving Till; that was painfully clear to him. But he was trying hard to let go of the idea of doing anything he could to be loved back. Because he didn’t want to keep on selfishly tying Till to him. Yet…

“Oh to be loved by… !

Someone who feels, someone who cares

Someone who's simply there.”

Till’s eyes widened a bit as he watched the girls’ performance. Ivan simply smiled wryly, and as he was going to bring his eyes back to the stage, shaking his head… Both of their gazes intertwined as Till also took a peek at him, standing beside him.

“Oh, to be loved by you.”

Instantly, both of them panickily averted their gazes to the side as they got caught staring. Cheeks turning red at the timing in which clear skies met starry night.

Sua's gentle voice in the second verse didn't distract them much from the other, as both of them stood there awkwardly. Till tapped his index into his arm, and Ivan fidgeted with the clipboard in his hands.

For the rest of the performance, both of them stuck their eyes to their friends, despite having the urge to glance upon their shoulder again, as some –if not all– parts of the song made them unconsciously think about the other.

Till only found his own feelings more and more desperate to escape out of his chest. Silently battling himself to keep his mind from straying out, as he focused on the soft, angelic voices of the girls. But the song just made his feelings fight louder in his chest. Screaming at him to stop being so scared and letting them out. Cursing himself for being unable to uncross his hands and reach out to Ivan's.

And the other was not too different. Ivan was unsure if yesterday was to blame, but he felt like he was being less cautious around Till tonight. And that was going to be a problem. Because every single little time, Till would do something like get closer to him, despite him reaching over a distance, he was unsure how long he would be able to keep his word.

When the girls finished, Ivan rushed back on stage to not miss his cue, and as he did, Till could bet he found the other’s tip of the ears a bit red. As he went in, Sua and Mizi rushed off, both with such radiant smiles on their faces.

Allowing his body to rest, Till found himself expelling all the air in his lungs that he had been holding all along.

“How did it go!? Awesome, right!?” Mizi excitedly asked him as soon as they made it backstage again.

“Yeah, you both did great. Congrats.” Till nodded softly.

“Ugh, remember me to not do this, like, ever again…” Sua sighed as she fanned her face with her hands, as if to cool off her sweat without messing her makeup.

Mizi simply giggled as she gently wiped Sua's forehead with a handkerchief. “But you were amazing, love!”

Till smiled softly, and feeling like a third wheel, he tried to search for a way to excuse himself off. “Well, I'll let you girls rest and enjoy the rest of the show now.”

“Yes! When are you going on stage, Till?” Lime eyes locked on him immediately, almost beaming with stars out of them.

“Around the middle-end, according to Ivan. So, I still have plenty of time to make my mind up on it.” He nervously answered, as he scratched the back of his head.

“I see. Rest assured, I know you'll rock the stage, Till! With you and Hyuna there? I mean, you two will be a fire combo, definitely! It'd be so nice to hear you two singing alongside…”

“Haha…well. I'm just a guitarist for the night.”

After Mizi's encouraging words, Till made his way towards the band. His excuse being not wanting to wander too far from them to be ready when it would be his time to go on stage.

Completely unaware of the satisfied grin on Mizi's lips as he walked away.

“Mizi.” Sua’s voice cut in through her thoughts and made her immediately glance her way. “You promised me.” Sua scolded her with a soft pout on her lips.

“Hehe, sorry, babe. But it's definitely working!” Kissing the shorter girl's cheek, Mizi gave Hyuna a thumbs up, alongside a wink. “I can sense it!”

Rolling her eyes, but unable to not smile a bit, Sua hugged the girl clingily. “Do I really have to do… the last bit, though?”

“I'll do everything you'd like to do for the rest of the month if you take care of it.” Mizi whispered, with some sort of innuendo in her tone that made the older girl shiver at the thought.

“Guess… I can bear with the awkwardness for a while, then…”

One song turned into two, and then three more came up. As others came in and out backstage, fewer people remained around, as most left to enjoy the show with their friends, watching the stage from afar.

But every time a new person went in, Till couldn't help but fix his eyes immediately on Ivan, standing on the sidelines as he oversaw every single performance. He could tell he was focused on checking everything was going according to schedule, as he sometimes checked the time and nodded his head softly. In a sort of a cute way, that made Till smile easily as he thought that the boy must be eager to see the shooting stars already.

That thought alone brought the dream from last night back to haunt his mind.

“You guys ready?”

Flinching as he wasn't expecting to hear Ivan closer this time, Till jolted his head up at a question that wasn't exclusively aimed at him, but that was answered by another before he could even react.

“We’re all good!” Dewey patted Ivan's back, as he then wrapped an arm past his shoulder. “We going next?”

Chuckling a bit, Ivan checked on the schedule. “Definitely. Right after this dude finishes, it's your time to shine.”

“Sweet! I'll warm up these arms a bit more then.” Laughing, Dewey went to Hyunwoo, and they both started to fool around a bit, clearly excited but not nervous at all. Hyuna too focused on them both, as if they were doing some sort of typical thing their band did before going on stage.

That left Till a bit out of the group, and gave Ivan a chance to speak with him.

“And how's my star? Nervous?”

Till felt his heart hammering inside his head as Ivan's soft, gentle voice reached his ears, despite the loud music in the back. The way he was smiling down at him; the words he had chosen to address him, my Star, echoing in his head.

Gulping down, he averted his gaze down to his fidgeting before answering. “The necessary amount… I guess.”

“Like an average looking pudding, then?”

“Shut up.” Pouting a bit at Ivan's playful remark, Till tried to act bothered by it, despite him actually smiling inside.

Softening his smirk, Ivan glanced back at the stage, and then set his eyes over Till again. Stepping a bit closer, he leaned down to try and meet his eyes. Now, easier than ever, since his fringe was all out of the way of those beautiful teal eyes.

“I trust you can do it, Till. I've heard you playing before, and I know you have it in you.”

Lifting up his eyes from his hands, Till let himself drown a bit in the eyes of Ivan. Pressing his lips together as he unconsciously glanced down to the other's lips, he simply allowed his smile out, fixing his glance back to Ivan's dark eyes.

“Thanks, Ivan.” Taking a big, deep breath, he glanced over Hyuna and the others. “Everyone seems to insist I sing with them, too… Do you think I should?” Asking in a somewhat timid tone, Till played with his piercing dangling from his left ear.

“Do you feel like doing so?”

Ivan's question made him widen his eyes a bit. The question was simple: Did he want to sing?

Yes. But…

“I don't want to ruin it...”

“Till, we're just here to have fun tonight.” Laughing softly, Ivan pressed a hand on his shoulder. Locking gazes again. “It's okay if you don't want to push yourself, but… If you want to do it, then go for it.”

“Do you want me to do it?” Till's question took Ivan a bit by surprise. The soft tone in which he asked melted Ivan's heart on the spot.

“I want you to leave the stage with no regrets tonight. And with a big smile on your face from having so much fun, if possible.” He answered affectionately, pinching Till's cheek, earning the grunt and pout from him he aimed for.

Soon, the roaring applause as another performance came to an end made Ivan rush away, as he was needed on stage now.

No regrets tonight… Lingering on the thought, Till made sure to wait for his turn with a newfound determination, as the loud group soon were all over him, hyping him up and assuring him everything would go smoothly.

Little did they know that what he was feeling nervous about had nothing to do with the pressure of going on stage.

“Well, ladies and gentlemen… I bet you're all feeling very energetic as of now. We've reached the midpoint of all performances for the night, but don't feel sad just yet. Because the best is to come!” Ivan's voice echoed through the mic, and the crowd cheered instantly in response.

As Till waited by the sidelines between Dewey and Hyunwoo; Mizi and Sua, who had stayed around up to this moment, were giving him supportive thumbs ups from a distance.

“Coming up next, we have a band that will perform fully live. And, unlike the rest of the people tonight, they bring a song of their own! They usually perform in a nearby bar, so if tonight you get hooked, don't hesitate to drop by to enjoy more of them.”

Ivan gave them a side glance, and Hyuna gave him a thumbs up while shaking a frowning Till by the shoulders. Containing a laugh, Ivan faced ahead again as he continued the last bit of the presentation.

“Tonight's performance is gonna be a bit different from their usual, though. Especially made for all of you to enjoy under these clear, starry skies. So, please, a big round of applause for The Rebels!”

The cheering and screaming of the people became louder as they walked onto the stage. Till timidly glanced around, noticing that, as soon as he stepped foot on it, the crowd extended further than he expected. Hyuna and Hyunwoo were both sending waves and kisses to the people, as if they were born to be on stage. And Dewey walked past Till after patting his back in a friendly manner, not minding the crowd that much and going straight to his position by the drums.

As he was letting out a soft sigh, he passed by Ivan, who simply gave him a smile and gave a thumbs up as soon as he was standing by the sidelines between Mizi and Sua.

With a brief smile that lifted his lips from only one corner, Till glanced at his guitar, as he cautiously secured it past his shoulders. He had a microphone arranged in front of him, and that made him slightly nervous. Taking a peek at the twins beside him, Till noticed Hyuna was glancing at him with a soft grin on her lips. Sending a wink his way, she turned her eyes upon her brother at her left, who soon started to pick on his bass strings, that made the whole audience grow excited.

“Are you ready!?” Hyuna roared into her mic.

With a loud cheer from the audience, the song began, and there was no going back now.

Locking gazes with Dewey, Till awaited for his subtle signal to start with his guitar alongside the blond as Hyunwoo continued to pick on the bass. And once he did, he found himself bouncing softly to the beat of the song. Not missing his cue in the slightest, Till was satisfied by nailing the hardest part of all: the start.

Hyuna simply smiled as she bopped her head, grabbing onto her mic, readying herself to start singing.

“Your eyes grow wide at my dazzling entrance. 

And your heart beats fast, OK!”

Turning her body to Till as he strung the chords after her verse with a smile, Hyuna’s way of moving around the stage made it clear to him that she was simply having fun.

“There's no point in fighting back. 

This is the march 

Of the fools…”

The show was important, yes, but this girl genuinely just wanted to sing, have fun, dance, and make people dance, too. She wasn’t trying hard to fit into anything or worried about a slip. Probably, if she made a mistake, she would simply laugh and continue singing. She drove herself with confidence, a thing he was lacking in all aspects.

“Just laugh, hey kick and break ya! 

To the galaxy shining bright, ch-cheers.”

As Hyuna’s strong vocals rocked the chorus of the song, Till hesitantly glanced upon the mic in front of him, as he continued to effortlessly play his guitar along. From the corner of his eye, he could see the twins dancing with each other as they performed. Hyunwoo added some backing vocals here and there, too. They looked so free and happy.

Taking a big, deep breath, Till cleared his voice before moving closer to the mic to accompany Hyuna’s voice, singing the last part of the chorus alongside her.

“We only get one life, so I'm living mine for me

'Cause I'm the one from your wildest dreams

I'll create a fantasy in this crazy world

And change it all, I'm going all-in!”

The whole crowd cheered louder as soon as they sang together, most people had surprised faces, at least from what Till could see, when the lights didn’t blind everything ahead. Hyuna immediately rushed to stand beside him, with a big smile on her lips as she bounced to the beat. Without saying a thing, she pointed at him, silently asking if he was willing to sing the next verse alone now.

From the corner of his eyes, Till saw Mizi excitedly jumping up and down as she shook Ivan by the shoulder, and the full, proud and happy expression of Ivan made his heart leap in excitement. So, he answered Hyuna by chuckling softly into the mic before singing the second verse on his own.

“A universe brimming with dreams

Who will remain standing

At the end of it all?

Don't you wanna know?” 

“Don't you wanna know?”  Hyuna echoed.

Glancing at her straight away, they both sang in a kind of question-reply improvised manner for the rest of the song.

Till was really enjoying himself on stage, and seeing the band, his friends, and mostly everyone was happy about it too, made all his worries of messing it up disappear. A new found dose of adrenaline filled his veins as he too moved as much as he could around, not too far, so he could always harmonise with Hyuna whenever needed.

Hyunwoo, too, sometimes rounded around him and sang into his mic with a bright smile on his face. Without noticing, Till was soon in the middle of both twins, centre of the spotlight. And he was having more fun than he would’ve ever expected.

Still, he left most of the lines to Hyuna, since he felt like someone’s cold, piercing gaze was focused on him whenever he stole some lines, and because it was her song after all. Yet that didn’t make it less fun or entertaining, finishing it all with a strong last chorus.

“Whatever comes to mind, give it a chance

Contemplate all you want, won't change a thing.”

Hyuna passed her arm around Till’s shoulder, and he simply laughed and let her finish the song, going in to scream the last words alongside her, on her own mic, which she had placed between them purposely when that last part came in.

“Ride the waves of passing time

And run with the wind 'til morning,"

"Don't stop!”

Panting and even breaking a sweat, Till glanced ahead to the applause and cheers of the crowd, asking for more. Their roaring went wilder than with any other performance, and that filled him with some sense of pride. He felt lighter, as if all his doubts and worries had dissipated into thin air. He had forgotten how freeing singing was for him.

It was something that came naturally to him. As easy as breathing. It felt even better than drawing. His voice never encountered a knot whenever it was for singing out loud.

Mizi was right, I do belong on stage. Chuckling, while Hyuna and Hyunwoo filled him with praise as they left the stage, Ivan went in to announce the next performer. Meeting somewhere mid point, Till’s eyes focused on him. Those teal eyes sparkled brighter than the starry sky above, and that made Ivan’s smile even more sincere.

“Till! Hyuna! My gosh, that was so amazing!” Mizi immediately complimented them as soon as they made it out.

And Till was sure she started speaking something else, but he couldn’t catch any of the words coming out of her mouth. He had his eyes focused on Ivan and stopped right by the side of the scenario, waiting for him to come back and ask about his opinion on his performance.

He could hear his heart hammering in his ears, still filled with adrenaline from the aftermath of the performance. He felt vigorous, able to do anything he wanted to at the moment. And, of course, he was sure of what he wanted to put that motivation into.

“...we’ll have the best spots–. Till? You listening?” At the mention of his name, the boy was forced out of his trance-like state.

“Huh?” Seeing everyone was aiming to walk down the stage, Till caught up quickly. “You guys can go ahead… I’ll wait a while longer. I’ll join you later.”

Mizi smiled widely at him and nodded softly. Then, she entangled her arm around Hyuna’s and left with them to the front row in front of the stage. And, as they left, he focused again on waiting for Ivan, not noticing Sua had stayed around with a sulking face.

When Ivan made his way back, he seemed surprised to see Till waiting there. And as he was going to comment on it, he found his voice interrupted by Till’s hurried questions.

“How did I sound? Did I do good? It wasn’t so bad, right?” Unable to contain his chuckle, Ivan laughed a bit at Till’s eagerness for praise and reassurance. “W-What are you laughing for!?”

Ivan grabbed Till's wrists, stopping him from angrily grabbing his collar for laughing at his concerns, and then calmed his laughter by ruffling his hair with his free hand. “You outshone everyone, little star.”

Pouting slightly, Till averted his gaze and let out a soft scoff. Fighting to not let his cheeks go red. It was a losing battle, though. “...And I had fun.” He muttered softly, without bothering to free his hands.

“That’s good, then.”

And then the conversation died.

Why? Till was confused.

Was all his previous bravery and eagerness just for show? Why did one thing work out, and not the other? Feeling bothered at himself, Till frowned slightly as Ivan let go of his wrist.

They silently stood there for a while, side by side, glancing at the performer ahead, giving it their all. But neither was really focusing on anyone else at the moment.

Ivan bit his lower lip slightly. Having seen Till having so much fun on stage made him happy, too. There was nothing else in this world that made him happier than the sole happiness of the other. It was that simple, really. But kind of sad, too. Because he wasn’t the reason for that happiness.

“I’m glad you managed to make new friends despite the mess.” Ivan whispered softly, making Till’s head turn immediately his way.

“They’re nice people.” Till replied, as he glanced down at Ivan’s hands, his own over his nape. “But I wouldn’t consider them my friends just yet.”

“Well, they certainly could adopt you easily.” He chuckled as he gripped tighter onto the clipboard in his hands. “Seems like you belong with them, too. It was good seeing you enjoying yourself that much.”

Till could tell that there was no harsh meaning lying underneath Ivan’s words. In fact, he seemed somehow pained by muttering them. Tapping his fingertips over his thigh, he scooted a little bit closer to the other.

“I still prefer my actual friends the most.”

Ivan smiled softly and turned his head slightly to glance down at Till. Not expecting to see him so close. That little step he took was not unnoticed by his hammering heart.

“But once you get enough of me, you can go to them, at least.” He joked.

Till let out a soft grunt and punched Ivan on the shoulder in response. Which only made Ivan chuckle, and Till took the opportunity to stand even closer to Ivan. Bumping his head into Ivan’s shoulder.

“They're just people I happened to share a stage with. Nothing else….”

Till's pouty expression was way too cute to handle. It was clear he wanted to complain about his words, the way he had phrased their friendship, as if nothing. But he wasn't just joking. He had a hunch Till wouldn't be lost without him, and being proved right both hurt and reassured him. Yet to see Till clinging to their relationship so stubbornly made him happy, too.

“Hm…” Humming softly, Ivan tried his best to conceal his rapid heartbeat from the boy next to him. “Will you go on stage with them some other time, then?”

“I dunno.” Shrugging a bit, Till pressed his cheek a bit more onto Ivan's shoulder.

“I see…” Ivan hummed softly once again as he checked on Till’s expression as he nuzzled him. He thought the act was oddly intimate, and he was not going to tease him about it just yet; it was just too cute. “What will you sing next time?”

“They had good songs… But I don’t think they all fit my vibe.” Till shrugged a bit once again, not really focused on the performer ahead of them.

“What if next time you go on stage, you sing something for me then?”

At Ivan’s words, Till’s eyes went open wide. He moved his head back to glance at Ivan with a perplexed expression, and as Ivan was going to brush it off as a joke, Till immediately answered.

“Okay. Next time I go on stage will be to sing something for you.” At Till’s immediate acceptance of his little comment, Ivan blinked slowly, as if processing the thought, before chuckling lightly. “Why do you keep on laughing? It’s not even funny!”

“You gonna sing a diss song next time, then?”

“What? No, I’ll–.”

“It’ll be nice. I can picture you rapping curse words or screaming them into the mic. It would be funny, but don’t do that tonight, though.” Ivan continued joking around, which made Till grunt softly as he fake punched the other.

“You’re an asshole!”

“Already warming up, I see!” Ivan laughed louder, since Till’s punches didn’t bother him.

“Ivan!”

Ivan repressed another chuckle, the perfect excuse to leave the scene coming his way, as he had to rush back to put up with his MC task. Which left behind a pouty, flushed Till that immediately let out a soft groan in protest.

The realisation hit him. What made him feel so free of thought and worry was to be singing. Music was one with him, it was easier to express himself that way. If he wanted to get his feelings across, he should give singing them out loud a chance. Because it was like that with Mizi back then, too. He would often find himself acting like an idiot, unable to say a thing to her. But he had no shame when it came to singing about his love. 

Louder, Till. You have to be as fucking loud as you can!

And most importantly, he needed to prove that idiot wrong.

Instead of going down to meet Mizi and the others as he had stated, Till stayed around backstage a bit more. As if he was simply waiting for Ivan’s shift to end at work, or something of the sort.

But in fact he just stood there while pondering what he could do to show Ivan his love. The idea was clear: he had to serenade him.

No, wait, that sounds a bit too–.

Covering his face with his hands, he felt his cheeks grow hot at the thought. Technically, it was true, but naming it that way felt a bit silly. Shaking his head, he continued to ponder what would be the best way to pursue it.

Ideally, he should compose a song about his feelings. But he couldn't wait that long to confess. He wanted to do it ASAP. Since vacations were just around the corner, and he'd like to enjoy them together, not prolonging this uncertainty any longer.

Singing something out of the blue as soon as the concert ended would be embarrassing. And he was sure he would freeze and be unable to make himself understood that way. So, that option was discarded, too.

Maybe they could go to a karaoke? Ruffling his hair, Till grunted softly.

No way. He wants to see the stars, and then there’s the party and he'll probably need to oversee it all…

Dropping his head onto the wall behind him, he noticed there was no one else around anymore. Guessing that meant the show was about to end and that girl was the last one. But as Ivan wandered around, frowning a bit in confusion, Till sensed something was off.

“Till, have you seen Acorn? He’s supposed to be the last one going in after this one.”

Moving his head up to mimic Ivan into taking a glance around, Till frowned a bit. “I could swear I saw him not too long ago… Ah!” As the thoughts clicked in his brain, Till snapped his eyes back to Ivan. “I think I saw him chasing after Sua–.”

“Ugh. This is bad.” Ivan looked a bit anxious.

Till couldn’t blame him, the night had gone so well, and everything was smoothly sailing up to this moment. Everything he had rigorously planned was at risk; even Till would be bothered if an idiot messed up a perfect schedule.

“I’ll ask Mizi if she has seen him.” Till pushed himself off the wall and Ivan nodded softly to him. 

Rushing out the staircase at the side of the stage, Till leaned over the railings in search of the pink-haired girl. It wasn’t a difficult task, since she was locked in the front row around the twins. No sight of Sua around, though.

“Mizi!” Waving his hand and screaming a bit, despite the loud music muffling his voice, lucky him, the girl spotted him and rushed closer.

“Till! Over here, come–.”

“No. Not that. Have you seen Acorn?” Till leaned a bit more as he looked around. Mizi’s lime eyes opened wide, as she, too, mimicked the boy.

“Acorn? I don’t think so… Why?”

“He goes next, but he’s not around. I think he went after Sua not too long ago. Where’s she, by the way?” Till’s thin eyebrows raised in confusion. It was so unlike the girls to not be with each other that it was almost suspicious.

“Oh, with Sua? I have to call her to see if she's alright–.”

Soon, applause roared and the girl that was previously singing on stage made her way out, and a calm Ivan appeared onto the stage to fill in the silence. But it was clear in his eyes that he was panicking a bit, as he tried to make up time for the last performer to appear.

“Fuck. Do you think he bailed out?” Till grunted slightly.

“I don’t know.” Mizi pouted as she bit on her thumb nail while pressing her phone onto her ear, most likely waiting for Sua to reply to the call. “After all the fuss he made about asking Sua for the song…”

“Ugh… Don’t even mention it. He was literally pestering me about the arrangement all week…” Till was growing anxious that he didn't even bother to double check what Mizi was saying anymore.

The girl frowned as she glanced at her phone screen. It seemed like her girlfriend wasn’t picking up.

“Ugh… if only someone who knew the song could fill in for him instead…” Mizi sighed as she fiddled with her phone, calling Sua once again.

After already doing all the small talk he could to avoid suspicion, Ivan glanced over at Mizi and Till in a desperate silent plea. He was lacking ideas, and the miss of this song would make the whole ambience drop a bit before the meteor shower. Which was, honestly, such a bummer after setting the expectations so high.

Suddenly, the girl that previously sang appeared, walking down the stairs. As she moved past, she noticed she had rushed out with the mic in her hand.

“Ah, crap! I almost took this–.” Turning around as if ready to leave it behind, she glanced at Till for a while, as he was in the middle of the stairs. But, as he glanced back at her, instead of asking for him to move, she simply dropped the mic on him. Not really knowing what to do with it, as she was already wanting to let go of it. Neither did Till know what to do with it, but he held onto it nonetheless.

“Well… Our next performer submitted a classic that I’m sure most of you might know. But you might find it a little bit different from the original, as he made an arrangement for it, to best fit the show for tonight.” Ivan continued to speak as if the actual performer was ready, but Till frowned as he glanced his way.

“He, what!? Like hell! I was the one that arranged it! Was he such a jerk to submit that kind of shitty lie as his presentation!?” Till protested as he clutched his hand.

"Probably he just wanted to look good while confessing." Mizi grunted as she kept her phone pressed onto her ear.

As Mizi's words clicked in, the mic on his hand gave him an idea. So he turned to Mizi. “Someone who knows the song would be enough to fill in, right?”

Mizi blinked slowly, not doing a good job hiding the slight glint in her eyes. She tried to answer as vaguely as possible. “I think so?”

It was… I was made for loving you, right? This one… will do.

When Till’s eyes settled on Ivan struggling on stage, all hesitation he might have left in him disappeared as he ran back up again. Clinging to the mic in his hand.

As Till rushed in, as if ready to go on stage in Acorn’s stead, Mizi finally let herself smile as she moved behind the stage. Knowing where to find Sua, she immediately went to her side, hugging her arm affectionately. Completely ignoring and going over whatever awkward mood was there between her lovely girlfriend and perplexed Acorn –who received a nasty stare from her upon her arrival.

“Love! You need to come now or you’ll miss it!” Sua looked relieved as she smiled at Mizi tugging at her arm.

“You made it?”

“Easier than I thought! Come now, or we’ll miss our spot in the front row!”

Running together, both girls left behind a confused boy that couldn’t process fast enough what just had happened. And noticed just when it was already a bit too late.

“So…! Let’s all give a round of applause and big cheers to welcome in the last performer of the night.” As Ivan hesitantly gripped onto the schedule, trying to buy himself some time, he saw Mizi and Sua giving him full thumbs up while they moved to their spots in front of the scenario. His thick eyebrows twitched in confusion because, when he turned his head, the one who he saw waiting by the sidelines was… “Till?”

As he unconsciously muttered the other's name into the mic, the crowd accepted it as an introduction –which made the poor boy panic, thinking he had messed it up. But, when he tried to correct himself, Till softly tapped into the mic. Both, checking it was on and gaining Ivan’s attention immediately.

How he had ended up tangled in this mess, Till didn’t know. But, he was grateful that it was this song, the one conveniently prepared for him.

His heart was running a thousand miles per hour. But, seeing Ivan standing there in the middle of the stage made Till smirk slightly.

You wanted me to sing for you… Acting surprised now?

Slowly walking onto the stage, Till pressed the mic onto his lips as he started singing alongside the backtrack of the song, which Luka had already clicked in, as if in perfect sync with the schedule.

“Tonight…

 I wanna give it all to you

In the darkness, there’s so much I wanna do.”

As Till moved slowly to place himself in the centre of the scenario, Ivan was awkwardly stepping back so the spotlight wouldn’t fall over him, clumsily stepping onto the opposite sidelines while his dark eyes were fixed on Till’s. Who had his eyes frozen over him while he sang in such a soft, husky tone.

“And tonight I wanna lay it at your feet

'Cause boy, I was made for you

And man, you were made for me”

They were both pretty sure the actual song didn’t go like that. And the little emphasis Till had made, while consciously changing the lyrics, while staring into Ivan, made his thick eyebrows skyrocket high on his face.

Is he…?  Really singing... for me? Ivan thought, as one of his trembling hands clutched onto his shirt.

Slowly, Till’s husky tone started to rise up a bit, as he grew bolder and more confident, standing in the middle of the stage now. His guitar was still there, as he had left it after the performance, so he went to pick it up without hesitation, as he continued to sing over the piano track.

“I was made for lovin' you, baby

You were made for lovin' me

I can't get enough of you, baby

Can you get enough of me?”

Passing the strap above his head after setting the mic on its stand, he secured his guitar safely. Gripping the mic under his fingers, he turned his face halfway in Ivan’s direction while singing.

“I was made for lovin' you, baby

You were made for lovin' me

And I can give it all to you, baby

Can you give it all to me?”

A satisfied smirk adorned Till’s lips as he finally moved his eyes away from Ivan’s face. He was left completely speechless there, with those cute, wide eyes that made him look like he had not a single thought on his head; with his cheeks brimming red, in a flushed state, which Till could easily tell despite the darkness. Feeling more confident, he continued to ad-lib a bit onto the mic. Loud and clear, while playing his guitar with the familiar chords of Kiss classic rock song, just that with a little twist of his own. Purely showing off his skills at this point while vibing to the song on stage. He was tapping his foot a bit, and moving his body as if following the waves of the melody.

A big smile on his face and a light feeling in his chest as he continued to sing along. Louder than ever.

“Tonight I wanna see it in your eyes

Feel the tension

There's something that drives me wild.”

In the front row, Till could see the faces of Mizi, Sua, Hyuna and the rest, rocking to the song, and some other people singing alongside him. He felt like he could do anything at the moment, completely in control of everything, while the spotlight was on him. Everyone was watching him, being open and clear about what had been repressed in his chest, yet he didn’t feel embarrassed at all.

Hyuna’s words echoed in his head. If he loved someone, why would he hide it? He should simply just say it loud and clear.

Turning his head towards Ivan again, Till smirked into the mic as he sang along the lyrics.

“And tonight I wanna make it all come true

'Cause man, you were made for me

And boy, I was made for you. 

Come on, everybody, make some noise!” Hyping up the crowd while feeling confident in his performance, Till continued to let his heart out onto the mic as he was singing. 

Adding more of his guitar to the chords while singing along with the crowd, Till couldn’t stop smiling, despite the cheesy, repetitive lyrics. He was having so much fun just by standing there, but what made him happier was the adrenaline of realising he was literally making a bold declaration to the whole world now.

He loved that damn asshole. That stupid, annoying kid that never left his side. His best friend, and number one rage baiter. He loved Ivan, and needed him to know it desperately. Because he was more than ready to give his heart to him, and he wanted it all to happen.

Till couldn’t afford another single second to go to waste, just because of getting scared of change. He had already changed things, or maybe things were already heading this way since the start.

Trying to slow it all down was just stupid.

“I can’t get enough”

Turning to face Ivan once again, he glanced at him with a serious expression, his brows slightly furrowed, but not in an angry stance. Repeating the sentence as much as he saw fit, even more than the original song actually did, he only relaxed his brows until he noticed that the message had made it through Ivan’s skull. As those dark eyes timidly glanced away while hiding half his face behind the clipboard.

Facing the crowd once last time, as he sang the last chorus, Till smiled widely at the audience while slowly stepping back. Mic in hand once again, and letting the song go back to the soft piano and tone it had started with.

And just like at the beginning, Till started softly singing the lyrics in that whispered tone again, while walking towards the side of the stage: in Ivan’s direction.

“Tonight I wanna give it all to you

In the darkness, there's so much I wanna do

I was made for lovin' you, baby

You were made for lovin' me”

From the other side of the stage, there was not really too much room to move around to. So, Ivan found himself trapped between the messy structure of the scenario and Till, still glancing at him, barely a few steps from him now. He was standing over the stage, letting him hide in the darkness as he finished up the song. With a soft, raspy whispering singing voice.

“I can give it all to you, baby

Can you give it all to me?”

As the music died out softly, the whole audience cheered and roared instantly. They completely went wild as the spotlight went off and Till’s improvised performance ended. There were screams and exclamations for more; people incessantly cheering and clapping their hands.

Yet none of them really cared about any of that at the moment.

Till turned off the mic, as he left it over a loudspeaker on the side. Ivan was frozen on spot, feeling his face warm and his breath threatening to go unsteady. Till closed in the distance, stepping over the line that signalled the end of the view area of the stage.

“So? How did you like this one? Did you like the song I sang for you?” Till’s voice was clearly heard by Ivan, despite the loud background into which such soft words had been whispered into.

Swallowing down, Ivan pressed his lips together, while letting his stuff rest over the same speaker, too.

“Till, do you–?”

“Hey! The stars are starting to fall!” Someone’s exclamation in awe made them both snap their gaze towards the sky. And they both could see the first two shooting stars passing across the sky.

Almost in sync, both dropped down their gazes. And their had not so subtle blushes in their faces. As Till was going to say something, Ivan grabbed his hand and started running away unexpectedly.

Till was unsure where Ivan was leading him, as they both jumped off the stage, sneaking out from the back. But he didn’t care at all. Ivan’s warm hand wrapped around his own was all he needed to focus on. Wherever they would go, it was secondary. All he wanted to do was to stay with Ivan.

Sometimes, a small spark from the sky above would catch his attention, and Till found himself running while glancing up. But he wasn’t afraid of falling, since Ivan’s tight grip reassured him he was safe from harm.

After a small run, Ivan finally stopped, as his dark eyes settled on the sky above. Even though he had stopped right behind him, Till moved slowly to stand beside Ivan, without letting go of his hand. Following the direction of Ivan’s gaze, Till noticed how beautifully laid out the starry sky was, just for the two of them.

Suddenly, Ivan turned to face Till. So abruptly, it almost made Till jump in the spot as he, too, glanced at Ivan with a wide eyed expression.

“Till, do you love me?” Ivan asked in a soft tone that came out a bit more raspy than he had first intended.

Nodding his head timidly, Till answered as he unconsciously gripped Ivan’s hand tighter.

“So… The song you sang was really for me?”

Pouting a bit, Till felt his cheeks grow hotter. Yet, he didn’t avert his eyes. “Of course it was, silly. You asked for it, remember?”

Pulling Till into his chest, Ivan hugged him tightly. His arm pressed onto the back of his head, while the other remained entangled with Till’s fingers. “I love you too, Till.”

At Ivan’s whisper, Till moved his free hand to clutch onto his back tightly.

“For real?”

“Yes.”

“You really do?”

Chuckling a bit, Ivan repeated himself. “Yes, I do. I love you, Till.”

“Why did you take so damn long to tell me, then!?” Till protested as he nuzzled his face into the other’s chest.

“I could ask you the same thing.” He replied playfully while gently running his fingers along Till’s soft hair.

“S-Shut up…”

They stood there in silence for a while. Enveloped in darkness, since all lights on campus were out at the moment, but they didn’t care. It didn’t matter. They had each other close; it was warm and comfortable.

Relishing in the feeling of an embrace they both had longed for so long, there were so many words they’d like to say. Yet the moment seemed to be perfect without any of them. As if, simply with just that hug, all their shared feelings and emotions were finally percieved by the other.

Letting go, only to then pull themselves into a tighter embrace, Till surrounded Ivan’s waist with both hands, as Ivan pulled him in with both arms around his shoulders. Nuzzling into the top of his head as Till cuddled to his beating chest. Both hearts running at a rushed tempo, but playing a melody of synced harmony.

“Till.” Almost a bit reluctant to break the silence, Ivan spoke up, as he moved his face away from Till’s head.

When Till glanced up, he could easily read Ivan’s question before it fell from his lips. It was clear from the way his dark eyes immediately dropped from teal to pink. Wetting the lips Ivan was glancing upon, Till didn’t hesitate to tip toe a bit and clumsily press his lips onto Ivan’s.

At first, Ivan held his breath as his eyes went wide at the unexpected but long-wanted move of the other. But as Till slowly leaned back, he pulled him in again, while closing his eyes this time. His lips took all of Till’s in a gentle manner, despite the desperate way his fingers dug into the strands at Till’s nape.

It was heavenly. To finally have the freedom to kiss those lips felt refreshing to him. As if having found water after a long trip in the vast desert.

Till was not much different from him. He, too, clutched onto Ivan desperately, even though their lips met at a slow, tender pace. He had never felt all the sensations that were surrounding him at the moment. But, unlike what he initially would’ve thought, he didn’t find them overwhelming at all. In fact; it was a sensation he’d very much like to drown himself in.

And so, he tugged a bit at Ivan’s lower lip. Till didn’t know what he was doing, but given Ivan reacted with a soft groan, he must’ve done it well. With a satisfied little smirk, he tried to repeat his action again, only to find his lips being softly traced by Ivan’s tongue. Which sent a shiver running down his spine instantly.

Both receded for a brief second, just enough to take a look at the other’s expression, before jumping at the other’s mouth again. Ivan pulled Till’s bottom lip down with the help of his thumb, and all the boy could do was gasp in surprise and muffle a groan when Ivan’s tongue traced his own.

Then, he felt it, a cold, iron-tasting ball that made Ivan reluctantly pull himself back. Leaving behind a trace of saliva, connecting their mouths mid-kiss.

“Is it safe to kiss you now…?” Ivan asked cautiously.

“Huh?” Till was in a bit of a haze, as he softly hummed in confusion, his teal eyes dilated and beaming in what seemed like a soft, red hue.

“The piercing…” Ivan whispered a bit huskily, biting onto his lower lip to hold himself back, as Till’s reaction to his kiss was making it a bit difficult.

“Ah…” As if realising in delay, Till moved his fingers to his lower lip while glancing around as if counting mentally. He then simply grunted a bit. “Whatever… It was good enough already.” And he pulled Ivan down a bit.

His eagerness just made Ivan chuckle a bit. And usually, he would’ve used this chance to tease him a bit. But he was just as desperate. So, if he said it was okay, then…

As Ivan leaned in to kiss him again, Till’s vision was momentarily flashed by something bright in the sky. So he pulled back a bit, to Ivan’s disappointment. Which he made sure to let him know by letting out a soft whimper.

“Wait… The meteor shower–.”

“Who cares. I want to kiss you.” Ivan protested, as he leaned in again.

But Till covered his lips with his palm. “Ivan, I’m not going anywhere. The stars are. So enjoy them while they last.” Softly moving his hands to cup Ivan’s face instead, Till smiled almost timidly. “I’ll still be here, loving you, when they all have fallen.”

Clicking his tongue in a bit of a disagreement, Ivan reluctantly moved his eyes up to the dark sky, instead of looking at the boy between his arms. And all the annoyance disappeared as soon as his eyes opened wide at the sight above.

The skies were clear. Not a cloud in sight, and the whole stars were standing there, above their heads. And then he could catch a glimpse of one, two, three… Several moving sparks of light sporadically dancing above their heads. Sometimes they came in twos or threes; some other times, there was some distance in the frequency a single one crossed the sky. But it was their fleetingness that made them more appealing.

Made him wonder… If what excited him about the stars was their shining, unreachable and fleeting nature, would he still keep on loving Till now that he was a sure, caught certainty?

Frowning a bit, Ivan moved his sight slightly down, just to catch sight of Till’s clear eyes, reflecting the starry night.

He could see the shooting stars crossing in his teal eyes, and the sight made him hold his breath.

No way I could ever get tired of this… If anything, I think I’ll grow more attached to it…

Still glancing up into the sky, Till was using this moment to appreciate more of the things he had been missing so far. The ticklish sensation of Ivan’s tongue, tracing his own, lingering in his mouth. The way Ivan’s hands had clutched desperately onto his hair, not leaving his mind. And most important of all, the sweet confirmation of his feelings being reciprocated, echoing in his ecstatic heart.

With such a memorable sight of the sky to top it all, Till was sure he was never going to forget this day.

Blinking softly, he shifted his glance to take a peek at Ivan. And that was when he caught the other staring at him instead of the sky.

“Don’t be an idiot! The stars are above!” Till protested, pushing Ivan’s face even more upwards to force him to glance up. But it only made him chuckle louder, as he moved his hands over Till’s at his cheeks.

“That’s not true. I have one down here, staying close to me.”

He whispered such sweet words shamelessly, that it made Till flush in embarrassment, completely unable to make out a proper answer or reaction to that. So, instead, he hid his face into Ivan’s chest. Which reverberated with his laughter as he soon patted his teal hair tenderly.

“That’s not where the stars are either, blockhead.”

“Shut up, moron.” 

Despite the insults, both of them had soft, contented smiles on their lips. It wasn’t like those romantic scenes from movies, but this thing fit them better. Or so Till thought. He wouldn’t change anything about it, except perhaps for its delayed arrival. 

After a while, Till glanced above again to find Ivan’s eyes fixed on the sky this time. The sight of such dark eyes, filled with so many little sparks of light, made his heart skip a beat inside his chest. He never thought he would be able to catch sight of such a mesmerizing sight again, yet there he was.

Pushing Ivan a bit, making him lose his balance slightly, as he fell onto the grass on his back, Till then rolled to lay beside him. Ivan was about to say something, out of confusion, but as Till’s fingers pushed his chin to glance to the sky again, Ivan simply chuckled a bit.

“You’re insistent on it… Feeling embarrassed after saying so many cheesy things, maybe?” Despite his words dripping with playfulness, Ivan’s tone was soft and tender, while he smiled candidly while stargazing.

Pouting a bit, Till rested his cheek over Ivan’s shoulder, his fingers releasing their grip to softly caress Ivan’s skin instead. “It’s not that… I just want my astro-freak of a boyfriend to enjoy the stars he loves so much–.”

“Boyfriend?” Ivan immediately turned his head to him, eyes wide and a hopeful look on his face.

Which honestly threw Till a bit, disoriented. “H-huh?”

“Am I your boyfriend now? Do you want me to be?” Ivan asked again.

“I-Isn’t that… what it’s usually implied when two people confess–.” Till cut himself mid sentence as he frowned a bit. No. He couldn’t just leave things up to interpretation with Ivan. Not anymore. It was clear the boy didn’t take a hint, and he needed to be told explicitly. So, swallowing his nervousness, Till replied in a sulking tone. “Y-yes… Don’t you want to?”

“I’d love to.” Ivan answered without hesitation. His expression was so serious, it was almost scary. If it weren’t for the fact he was serious in a desperate way, which made his expression funny instead. It made Till want to tease him back a bit.

“You sure…? If you don’t want to, I–.”

“No, I want to. I really want to!” Ivan exclaimed, as he panickily moved to hover over him. Which made Till chuckle a bit, unable to hold his laughter. “What…?” Ivan asked, with a soft pout, finally relaxing his expression a bit.

Till squeezed his cheeks between his hands, laughing softly. “You’re so silly…”

“What did I even do now?” Ivan protested, as he flicked his dark eyebrows a bit. “I just want to be your boyfriend so badly… Do you think it’s funny? To see me this desperate for you?”

As Ivan’s words came out of his lips in such a needy, low whisper, Till felt all his bravery slip away. Shifting places with a timid, warm feeling in his chest. “Maybe… a little?”

Chuckling lightly, Ivan turned his face to gently kiss Till’s palm. Such an innocent act made his whole body ignite, for some reason. His eyes glued to Ivan above him, not really able to care about the sky anymore.

“So... Till." The serioursness in Ivan's voice made Till stiffen a bit. "Do you want to be mine?” He whispered softly while locking gazes with him.

His voice, while asking the question. The way Ivan was looking at him, so adoringly. How, despite it all, he was showing himself vulnerable and open to him. And, of course, the way he had chosen to address the matter.

“Will you be mine, too?” Till answered with another question, feeling his chest go crazy at the mere idea of it.

“I’m already yours.”

Till’s eyes grew wide at Ivan’s declaration. It made his face grow hotter instantly, and even quiver a bit under such intense stare. The implications of such a declaration were not overlooked at all. By that phrase alone, Ivan was telling him that, even if he was to reject him, his heart was already his. And probably had always been. Which made Till feel even bigger of an idiot.

He had been pushing the other aside all this time, thinking they weren’t on the same line, when, in fact, all he was doing was making Ivan think he was the one not wanted back.

“That’s silly… Because I’m already yours, too.” Till whispered in a soft, trembling voice. His lips not being able to even process having said them since Ivan didn’t waste a second to kiss him.

This one kiss felt even more intense than the previous ones. Maybe it was because it happened after reaffirming each other’s feelings. Or because it was just a bit more practised than the others, with Till now knowing a bit more of where to place his lips or how to move them alongside Ivan’s. Slowly moving his hands from Ivan’s cheek to run along the nape of his neck, Till felt how Ivan’s skin reacted almost instantly under his touch. Making him a bit proud of eliciting a goosebump out of the other, who, in response, asked for permission to intensify the kiss a bit more, his tongue drawing out to lick Till’s upper lip softly.

Gasping a bit, Till allowed his lips to part, and soon Ivan’s tongue was tracing the ins and outs of his mouth. Making him arch his back a bit, seeking to be closer to the other, as the kiss intensified even more. Not being able to contain a soft moan when Ivan sucked on his tongue, or when he grabbed his waist and pressed them chest to chest immediately, while playing with his piercing.

Stopping just when both of them were panting restlessly, Ivan pressed his forehead onto Till’s.

“Is this really happening?” Ivan chuckled softly, a soft smirk on his lips.

Opening his eyes slowly while still catching a bit of his breath, Till glanced up to Ivan while still running his fingers along his head. “Hm-hm…” He softly hummed in affirmation, as his lips couldn’t brush off the lovesick smile on them.

Letting out a sigh, Ivan nuzzled into Till’s neck, seeking more caresses from the other. Who honestly didn’t hesitate to hold onto him tighter.

“Honestly, I’m glad.” Till’s soft whisper made Ivan almost lift his head again, but as the other softly pressed him down, so he would keep nuzzled to him. “I’m relieved we are both on the same page after all… Because, I wouldn’t have it any other way…”

Smiling against Till's skin, Ivan brushed the tip of his nose lightly alongside his neck. “Me neither.”

As Till moved his hands off his head, Ivan lifted up slowly to gaze into those sharp eyes of his loved one. He never thought he could be worthy of such an adoring gaze from Till. His hand cupped that red cheeks of Till's, gently circling his thumb around his warm skin. Feeling it grow hotter under his touch.

“Do you really love me?” Till whispered, as he pressed his cheek into his palm.

“Yes. I love you. I’ll say it a thousand times if you don’t believe me yet.” Despite the teasing, Ivan was being serious.

“Go on, then.” Till dared him, with a soft pout on his lips, which made Ivan chuckle.

Whispering the words over and over again, Ivan pressed his lips around all of Till’s face, as he committed himself to the task. Which easily overwhelmed Till up to the fifth time of him repeating himself. Pressing his hands over Ivan’s lips to stop him.

“If you repeat it so many times, it will lose meaning!” He complained.

Ivan just laughed as he kissed his palm, which made Till’s pressure soften a bit. Allowing him room to speak. “Every time I say it, it’s because I love you even more than the last time I said it.”

Feeling his face burning up as Ivan’s cheesy words clicked in. “You’re impossible…”

“Only because I love you.”

“Ugh, okay, I got it! Stop repeating it!” Puffing up his cheeks, Till averted his gaze as he hid his face under his hands.

“Never.” Ivan leaned down a bit more, his breath tickling over Till’s knuckles. “I’ll never stop loving you, so I’ll never stop telling you.”

Till smiled widely at such words, taking advantage of the fact that his expression was hidden from the other.

Soon, the distant sound of music dragged them out of their bubble and brought their attention towards the distant stage. Pushing himself up, Ivan kept hovering over Till, while his eyes fixed on the sky ahead. The meteor shower finished a while ago.

Till propped himself up with his elbows, too, and followed Ivan’s eyes as he let out a deep sigh.

“I told you to focus on the stars…”

Chuckling softly, Ivan glanced down at him with a smile on his lips. “And I did focus on my star.”

Pouting a bit, Till was about to complain when Ivan got off him. Trying to hide his disappointment, Till accepted Ivan’s hand that now helped him up the grass as well. 

“So…” Fidgeting a bit with the edge of his shirt, Till glanced at the distant place, in which he could tell, people were having fun on campus. “You should go back to oversee the party thing, right?”

“Hm-hm.” Nodding his head softly, but without setting his eyes apart from Till, Ivan simply hummed.

“I see…”

Pressing his lips together, Till reluctantly glanced at Ivan. And a shiver ran down his spine as he found the other still glancing at him.

“What do you want to do, Till?”

Flinching a bit in his spot, the question made Till bite harder onto his lower lip, as he averted his gaze immediately. What he wanted was clear, as he pulled onto the hem of his shirt a bit more. He was too nervous about it all.

Ivan’s dark gaze followed down his movements, and Till almost flinched a bit as his eyes focused on his hands. His droopy eyes sharpened a bit as he smiled at the timid way in which Till was behaving now.

“Too shy to say?” Ivan teased him as he stepped closer.

“I-it’s not that.” He tried his best not to stutter, in vain. “I … what do you want to do?”

“Whatever you feel like doing.” Ivan’s answer was direct and honest. Patient, even. Despite the tiny spark of a flame behind his eyes that didn’t go unnoticed by Till.

“But you have to be there, and…” Till hesitated, as he gazed into the distance.

“I have, but I don’t want to…” Shrugging a bit, Ivan smiled down at him. “I just want to be wherever you’re going next. And I get the feeling you don’t want to go to the party just yet.”

“No, let’s go to the party.” Till stepped closer to Ivan, his eyes still looking down at both their feet. Almost as if his words were contradicting his actions. 

“Okay, let’s go then.” Ivan whispered softly, waiting for the other to lead the way. 

But they both stood in place. 

In all honesty, neither wanted to give up the intimacy they had gotten at the moment. They weren’t sure whether it would be a good idea or not to ask the other what their minds were rumbling on about at the moment. But in the exact second their hungry eyes met, and they noticed they both were thinking about the same thing, none of them hesitated or asked where they were heading, as they rushed hand in hand towards the same direction. 

Their dorm. 

As they rushed through the empty halls, hand in hand, with Till in the lead, Ivan suddenly pulled him back. Almost stumbling a bit as he was forced backwards, Till didn’t have the time to ask about it as Ivan’s lips met his hungrily, while stumbling together into a close wall.

Getting easily lost in the suffocating warmth of the other, both were aware how much they had been longing for this moment to postpone it over a party neither were interested in joining at the moment.

When Till’s hands circled around his shoulders, Ivan didn’t hesitate to easily lift Till up with his hands underneath his thighs. Clinging to him for dear life, Till continued to clumsily make out with Ivan as they resumed their walk towards the not so far room.

Once they crossed the doorway, still entangled into the other, Till leaned back a bit to catch his breath. But Ivan didn’t seem to mind his lack of breath as his lips continued to caress Till’s skin. Roaming around his jaw, his neck, and up to behind his ear.

The soft sweet gasps that came out of Till’s lips made it even more impossible to focus himself on slowing down.

“Ivan.” Softly, Till called his name, as he tugged a bit at the collar of his shirt. And he stopped, to lean back and hear whatever the boy had to say. Despite his body screaming to not let go of Till, not even for a single second.

“Hm?”

“This time… We’ll both leave satisfied, okay?” Till whispered softly, as he cutely kissed Ivan’s cheek.

Ivan’s eyes went wide as he dropped Till over the closest bed, immediately hovering over him. “Are you sure…?” He asked tentatively.

“Never been more sure.” Till replied, with such certainty that made Ivan swallow slowly, gripping onto the bedsheets to hold onto himself instead of immediately jumping onto the boy. "Because...you love me right?"

The soft pout in Till's lips made Ivan heart beat faster, feeling his whole body growing hotter with such a cute sight underneath.

“I do. I love you and... I desperately want you, too. Still… If you change your mind…” His lips brushed softly against Till’s ear, and he felt a shiver on his own, mimicking the one he provoked in the other. “I’ll stop.”

“I don’t want you to stop.” Till grunted in protest as he frowned, pulling Ivan closer to him with both arms and legs. “I can’t get enough of you. I want it all. And I want it now, Ivan.”

Chuckling a bit, trying not to lose his mind at that moment, Ivan kissed Till’s cheek while making his way towards his neck. There, he started to leave soft pecks that soon started to get a bit more wet. Till’s fingers entangled over his hair, pulling him closer, and Ivan contained his desire to bite onto his neck while letting out a soft groan.

Pulling the tie loose, Ivan took rid of it as he separated himself from Till’s warmth. His head was slowly becoming a blurry mess of heat, but he didn’t want to completely lose himself in the pleasure. Not tonight. Because, after all, it was their first time. He wasn’t going to make the same mistakes as before.

“Can I?” Asking in a whisper that came out more raspy than intended, Ivan tugged softly at Till’s top and vest, to which the other immediately nodded his head frantically, while propping himself up to allow Ivan to undress him.

As soon as Till’s skin became exposed, Ivan indulged himself in. He was so warm and soft. And his skin reacted every time he passed a finger or ran his tongue alongside it. If he was having trouble keeping himself in check since making out, Till being so sensitive now wasn’t doing him any good in holding on. Ivan felt even more eager than any of the other times.

Till was too lost in his feelings to care about their rushed pace at the moment. He had noticed before that, as soon as Ivan did something to him, his mind went into a haze. But now, more than ever, he felt like he was simply floating in the feelings. There was no hesitation, no uncertainty about what awaited them at the end of the night. Future wasn’t perfectly clear, yet knowing they were going to keep on being together, even after whatever they did in the bedroom tonight, made Till more eager than ever to go all the way.

They both had been holding on for too long at this point to even worry about anything else.

“Ivan…” Softly muttering the other’s name again, Till tugged at Ivan’s shirt, while he was still lost in kissing his chest.

Immediately understanding the demand, Ivan unbuttoned his clothes without moving away from Till’s skin. His tongue was warm and wet, leaving traces of his heated devotion all around Till’s body. And wherever he touched, Till missed instantly, as he never stayed too long on one spot.

Once Ivan’s torso was exposed, Till ran his fingers slowly around his abs, up to his pecs. Feeling how he tensed and flexed unconsciously under the slightest touch. Till couldn’t help but smile a bit, despite him being not too different from Ivan, as he slowly sucked onto his earlobe.

“So perfect…” Ivan whispered lovingly into his ear, making him unconsciously let out a soft whimper. And he could feel how that made Ivan smirk. “I love you.”

“I love–. Ah!” His reply was interrupted as Ivan abruptly sucked onto one of his nipples while his hand pressed onto the bulge that was tenting his pants.

“You what…? I didn’t quite catch it.” Ivan teased, as his tongue continued lapping around his soon erect nipple.

“I-I…" Biting onto his lip, since Ivan seemed to purposely keep on making it impossible to speak, Till battled to get the words out between soft moans and tiny whimpers. “...L-love you.”

“I love you too.” Ivan whispered with a soft smile on his lips, before pressing them onto Till’s.

As they shared another heated kiss, that was followed by an even more desperate one, Till clung onto Ivan’s back. Digging his fingers into his skin as he pressed him impossibly closer.

One click here and there. And soon, he knew both their pants were somewhere scattered on the floor. He barely felt them sliding out his legs, or how Ivan managed to get rid of his heavy boots in the process. But Till didn’t even care about processing it all, because all that mattered for him at the moment was Ivan’s warmth: his hot breath that caressed his skin, as his face was never too far from his body; where his lips and tongue touched, that left behind a burning mess; or how his fingers dug into the soft flesh, squeezing him with both a tight and hot grip that he wouldn’t be surprised if it left a mark. He was desperate for Ivan’s touch, and felt how eager Ivan was to please him, too.

Now, both in their underwear, Ivan softly humped against him, letting Till feel that he wasn’t the only one hard enough to hurt already.

“How do you… want to…?” Ivan asked, as his eyes struggled to focus on Till’s, since his face at the moment was just so submissive, he even felt a bit silly by making the question.

Till blinked softly, as his brain took a while to process the words that were being said. Confusedly, his thin eyebrows twitched a bit.

Chuckling a bit, Ivan simply shook his head. “Never mind…” Lifting Till’s hips up, he rolled him over, and both groaned at the sweet friction.

When Ivan pulled down his boxers, squeezing his ass on the way, was when Till’s thoughts finally clicked in.

“A-Ah!” As he rushedly glanced at Ivan, dark eyes met him with a confused expression and raised, thick brows. “You really… had to ask?” Till whispered in a pout.

“Just making sure…” Ivan shrugged with a chuckle. “Maybe you had other plans…”

Till turned his head towards his nightstand, beside them. “Second cabinet.”

Ivan was a bit confused by Till’s sudden indication, but he followed nonetheless. As he pulled it open, his eyes widened again at what he found inside. He let out a small snort as he grabbed both things in his hands.

“And yet, you have the audacity to call me a freak?” While holding a small bottle of lube and a pack of condoms, Ivan had a mischievous smirk on his lips.

Till was already flushed to the limits, so there was no way of telling if he grew redder or not. Yet, by the cute way he pouted, Ivan could tell he was a bit more embarrassed, at least.

“I—It’s not…! I mean. There was the possibility, and–.”

“All this time… You hid this in your cabinet and dared to tell me I was the one being a perv…?” Ivan continued to tease him while feigning offense, softly shaking his head.

“N-no! I bought that this morning!” Till complained, and as soon as the words left his lips, he covered his mouth with both hands.

“Oh?” Glancing at the things in his hand, Ivan chuckled lightly again. Opening the bottle and smearing two fingers with lube, he smirked as he made way for them to Till’s ass. “So… While I was working my ass off to make the concert thing work, and all… You rushed all the way to buy this, hoping you’d get fucked tonight?”

Till’s eyes opened wide, and so did his mouth. But, in all honesty, he couldn’t precisely deny Ivan’s words. It was not that he had intended for that to necessarily happen tonight. Yet, given their actual predicament, it was a bit impossible to convince Ivan otherwise. So, he just grabbed tighter onto the sheets as soon as he felt the soft and slightly cold fluid being extended around his asshole.

Oh. So that wasn’t the limit to how red his face could get. Ivan thought as Till battled to figure out a way to speak back. 

“It’s cute, in a way.” Ivan whispered softly as he pushed a finger in, which made Till immediately cling to his shoulders. The unfamiliar sensation made it difficult to think of anything but Ivan’s finger on his ass.

“I–... I wasn’t planning to–.” His voice came out more breathy than expected. Stuttering since his body was just trying to process everything at once.

“It’s okay… I love you, even if you’re a freak.” Ivan teased him further while leaning down a bit more to allow Till to comfortably hold onto him as his index slowly made it in.

“A… ah! B-But I’m not–.” Biting onto his lower lip, Till frowned a bit as he glanced up at the other. Why was he ruining the moment by being an ass?

No. You brought this upon yourself, Till. And it’s not like you dislike it, either… Grunting, feeling a bit frustrated, he hid his face in Ivan’s crook of the neck. The other’s laugh resonated in his ear as the finger easily started to slide in and out, making it impossible to focus on complaining anymore. It felt too good to distract himself by protesting about something that was, in fact, true.

“It’s sweet… means you expected to reach this far with me.” Ivan whispered, the teasing nature of his remark slowly transforming into an affectionate one. “Means… you wanted me the same as I want you…”

His head tilted back as soon as Ivan slid his other sticky finger in. His Adam’s apple bobbed a bit on his neck as he swallowed hard. He felt stretched out, but it wasn’t exactly a bad sensation. And, with his neck so exposed, soon he felt Ivan’s tongue tracing along it, until reaching his chin. Once he did, their eyes met. Both mirroring the same fervent, reddening desire.

“Ivan…” Whispering in a soft plea, Till didn’t have to voice out his need for the other to understand what he was asking from him.

Ivan nodded softly as he slowly caressed his inner walls, smearing all the lube around, with wet, lewd sounds that made both their dicks stiffen even more. Going in and out at a careful pace, Ivan soon felt that his fingers made their way easily, and therefore he pulled them out, earning a soft moan from Till’s lips.

As he slid protection in while pulling down his boxers, Ivan spread Till’s thighs a bit further apart with the use of his own knees.

“If you’re uncomfortable… feel any pain, or simply want me to stop, just tell me so.” Whispering those words as he aligned himself with Till’s rear, Ivan splattered a bit more of lube over his sheathed cock.

“Okay…” Nodding softly as he felt the expectation build within him, Till hugged Ivan’s neck once he hovered over him, when he was positioned.

“Ready, my love?” Ivan whispered softly, as his forehead pressed against Till’s. Both glancing into each other from such a close distance, it was difficult to tell any features apart.

“Yes…” With an exhaled breath, Till reassured everything was fine, before what they both had been longing for finally started happening.

At first, Till noticed that it had nothing to do with how Ivan’s fingers felt inside of him. It wasn’t completely uncomfortable, but it wasn’t entirely pleasant, either. The size and width difference of Ivan’s dick felt a bit more overwhelming than just two sticky fingers. But he wasn’t complaining either, as he clutched tighter onto Ivan. Till tried to not show in his face any sense of discomfort, as he didn’t want to worry Ivan.

Yet, his face betrayed him, as he was an open book with the way his eyebrows twitched, brow getting all scrunched.

“You good…?” Ivan stopped his hips as he asked in a soft tone.

“Don’t stop.” Till grunted in protest, slowly kicking Ivan’s ass with his heel.

That made Ivan chuckle softly, as he kissed Till softly and briefly. “Sorry… I’ll make you feel real good to compensate….” After purring those words, Ivan kissed Till passionately.

Tongues battling each other as soon as they met, all the while, Ivan pushed his hips a bit more in. Feeling all of Till’s quivering breaths and soft cries echoing inside his own mouth. One of his hands moved from Till’s hips to gently start stroking the needy, unattended cock. Sliding a finger over Till’s slit, Ivan devoured the sweet moan that was muffled by his lips.

Without leaving those lips, biting softly on them whenever Till pulled back to breathe, Ivan stopped his hips as soon as he was all in. Not doing a good job of containing his own excitement, as his voice broke, too, as he spoke to ask Till.

“A-are... you alright?” His dark eyes were boring into those teal of his beloved, searching for any hint of discomfort or disgust. But all Ivan could find was Till, glancing at him in ecstatic pleasure.

“Yes…” Answering in an extruded breath, Till dug his fingers tighter into Ivan’s shoulders, pulling him closer. As if having him deep in his ass wasn’t close enough.

And Ivan simply complied, sliding his hand off of Till’s dick to press at his lower back instead. Chest to chest, foreheads on the other’s. Noses brushing against another. They both were entangled so intimately, there was no telling where the body of one and of the other started or ended.

Kissing softly with such tenderness that didn’t fit the heated tension that engulfed them both, Ivan started to slowly move his hips back and forth. Cautiously feeling Till around his cock, conscious of every single flinch or twitch of his body. It was tight to move around, but it was driving him insane even with such small movements. Made him wonder if it would get even more suffocating were he to harshly thrust in and out, but he immediately shook the thought out of his head. He wasn’t going to do that, Till had to enjoy it too, or else it would be all for nothing.

Every time Ivan moved, Till could feel his dick getting squeezed between both their abdomens. And he felt like losing it, because having his dick stroked over hard, flexed, warm skin felt as good as having it directly taken care of. Or maybe he was just oversensitive since having Ivan deep in his ass. He could tell the other was being gentle and cautious, which was welcomed, since he was still adapting a bit to the unknown sensation. Also, because this way, it was for sure they would last longer. Yet, a certain desire for rushed adrenaline started to build up within him.

This time, it was Till the one pushing his tongue inside Ivan’s mouth. He did so unexpectedly, too, making Ivan groan a bit as he involuntarily slipped in a bit harder. And the moan that came out of Till’s lips surprised even him.

Glancing into each other’s eyes, both feeling a bit surprised by the discovery, soon Ivan repeated his action, and smiled satisfyingly as Till squirmed in pleasure at having his prostate being brushed against.

“F-fuck…!” Clutching tighter onto Ivan’s back, Till couldn’t help but moan even louder.

Once Ivan found the spot, he abused it as if his main goal was to make Till go mad from the pleasure. Which was, in fact, his goal. Not that it did him any better, since, whenever he hit on it, he was squeezed harder and made it difficult to keep it lasting.

“Ivan…! Ah! Fu…ck~!” Till was barely able to form any coherent words anymore. Panting hard, he didn’t even notice he had started dripping precum long ago and was now tearing up from the need to release. Not that Ivan was too far from him, either. His hair had long ago stopped being all slicked back, since his own sweat and his movements had made it fall onto his forehead. He felt like he was close to coming, but he was reluctant to do so, because he wanted to stretch the moment to last a bit longer. But as he glanced at Till’s needy face, almost overridden with ecstasy, Ivan stopped delaying it any further.

His hand made its way between their bellies, and he starting stroking Till firmly. Finding his dick wet and a bit soft. But he didn’t give it too much thought, as it got all hard as soon as his firm grip squeezed it twice.

“Till… I can’t hold on anymore…” Ivan purred huskily into his mouth. Which made those teary, teal eyes try to focus on the face of the other man over him.

Till tried to mutter out something, but it came out all as lewd gibberish. Not that Ivan needed him to repeat himself to understand his words. It was clear he was close, too.

One, two, and half a thrust later, Ivan found his hand covered in all of Till’s cum, and the warm sensation, alongside the sudden tightness around his dick, shoved up Till’s ass, made him come too. Both their bodies trembled slightly as they overrode the aftermath of release. Slowing down little by little, Ivan was about to drop his body beside Till’s over the bed, but once he pulled out of him, Till’s hands that lingered around his neck pulled him to crash over him.

Letting out a soft chuckle, Ivan spun around, while pulling Till along. Now he was the one laying underneath, which was the best, given he weighed a bit more than Till. But his boyfriend seemed to disagree, as he instantly grunted and lifted up his head to glance at him with a frown.

Blinking slowly in confusion, feeling concerned about such an expression, Ivan reluctantly asked. “What’s wrong…?”

“Why did you move?” Till protested with a tired, breathy voice. His red, swollen lips, from all the kissing and sucking, pouted slightly.

“So… I don't crush you…?” Ivan reluctantly replied.

Letting out a big sigh, Till dropped his head back to rest between Ivan’s pecs. Nuzzling onto them softly, as he found a comfortable position to calm down a bit. “Don’t do that next time…”

Surrounding Till’s frame with his arms all around him, Ivan glanced up at the ceiling, feeling a bit confused about what he was being scolded for now. Yet the circumstances of it all made him chuckle a bit with delayed realisation.

“You like me all over you?”

“... Is that a problem?”

“Not at all.” Softly patting Till’s head, and despite that rebellious hair tickling his neck, Ivan didn’t move an inch as he felt how easily Till started to calm down his ragged breath while resting over his chest.

Soon, seconds turned into a few minutes, and after a while, both of them seemed to come back down to Earth from cloud nine. Their bodies were not as feverishly hot and drenched in the need of being all over the other, yet they didn’t want to move out of their comfortable cuddling position.

Drifting one hand to Till’s lower back, Ivan traced the skin there softly as he found his voice lost in his throat.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Better than ever…” Till replied, as he lifted his head a bit. Now resting his chin between Ivan’s pecs while his teal eyes bore into Ivan’s dark ones.

“I’m glad to know.” Smirking slightly, Ivan continued to mindlessly trace the skin of Till’s back with his fingertips.

A few more seconds of silence passed by, before Till, who looked like pondering something for that while, spoke up.

“Remember back in High School? The summer I had to attend extra lessons because of failing math.” Ivan raised an eyebrow at Till’s sudden nostalgic moment.

“Kinda. What about it?”

“One day, you stole my pencil. The one I always refused to write with, because Mizi had decorated it.” Nodding his head softly, as if letting Till know he vaguely recalled what he was speaking about, Ivan continued listening intently at whatever Till was trying to tell him. “We fought, and then wandered around a nearby park, thinking that an ice patch and a band aid would do any good to puff down swollen cheeks.” Till chuckled a bit, as if finding the thought funny now, over time. Ivan simply continued to glance at him in silence. “It got pretty late, and it even got dark on us as we waited.”

“Ah, yeah! I remember my mother went almost hysterical since I arrived so late… Made my father come up with the curfew rule.” Ivan commented, as he slowly pieced the memory in time and place.

“That day… You told me you liked two things most in this world.” Seeing now where Till was heading for, Ivan's smile softened. The way teal glanced with such sparks in hopeful bliss melted his heart. Yet, that didn’t stop him from teasing Till a little bit.

“Yeah? And what did I say?”

With the way Till frowned and puffed up his cheeks, Ivan could easily tell what was the question he was going to ask next. “You said you loved the stars. And refused to let me in on the second thing.”

“Ah, did I?”

“Yes. So, what was the second thing? Was it…?”

Despite knowing the obvious answer to the question, Till wanted to hear it from Ivan’s lips. Yet it seemed like his boyfriend was up to press his buttons a bit more at the moment.

“I can’t remember… I wonder what it was? Maybe it was something stupid, something really dumb and thick skulled, like– Ouch!” Having his chest lightly smacked – it didn’t hurt a bit, though – Ivan chuckled. And, as soon as he glanced into those teal eyes that still waited for an honest reply, he folded. “Yes, Till. It was you.”

Letting out a soft puff, Till dropped his head in Ivan’s chest once again. “I knew it…”

Laughing a bit, Ivan hugged him again. “If you knew, why didn’t you tell me anything, huh?” He joked.

“No–. I mean. I didn’t know back then… It’s just that I remembered it, and…” Letting out a frustrated groan, Till nuzzled into Ivan’s chest. “I… just wondered if you had been loving me since back then…?”

Timidly lifting his glance up, Till met Ivan’s soft glance as he reached out to ruffle his hair a bit.

“Yes, even way further back. You could say you are my first and last love."

Feeling his cheeks grow red at Ivan implying that he will never stop loving him, Till hid his face in his chest once again before speaking up.

“I… just realized I liked you back then, too. Just… that it took me longer to realize.” Circling his finger on Ivan’s skin, he sheepishly continued, muttering his thoughts out. “I… I thought the sight of the stars reflected in your dark eyes were beautiful… Today, I reaffirmed it, just that now I’m sure I love you.”

Pulling him up a bit so both their faces were now over the other’s again, Ivan immediately reacted as his expression went serious. Till blinked softly as he processed how lightly Ivan must find him to manhandle him like that, but pushed the thought aside once again as soon as he noticed Ivan’s trembling pupils.

“W-what? What’s wrong…?” Cupping Ivan’s face gently, Till asked in a soft, worried tone. And as soon as he did, a small tear dropped down Ivan’s eye. Surprising both of them.

Ivan blinked several times, as if not understanding why he was crying, and tried to stop and avert his gaze. But Till didn’t let him, still spooning his face, his thumbs tenderly catching the rebel drops that ran down his cheeks, and kissing his forehead affectionately.

“Ah–. Sorry, I just–. I don’t really know why I am…”. Ivan hurriedly tried to express himself, but Till calmed him with a soft shush.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay. Whatever it is, just let it out…”. Whispering in a gentle, coddling tone, Till kissed Ivan’s salty cheek, and the other couldn’t help but smile a bit at the cute act. Yet, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“I’m as confused as you are right now.” He jested, laughing softly despite the tears in his eyes. “Is just… Thinking all this time I’ve been…thinking or feeling undeserving of even your simplest gaze, that I–.”

“Hey.” Till frowned a bit as he squeezed Ivan’s cheeks tighter. “What do you mean, undeserving?”

“I… I’ve been treating you like shit from the start. Hurting you for attention, teasing you every given chance… I–. The thought that you really do love me… it hadn’t clicked in, I guess?” Ivan laughed a bit, trying to brush off his stupidity. “Ugh, I just… I’m just messed up, I guess.”

“Hey, no one calling my boyfriend messed up except me. Got it?” The serious tone in which Till joked made Ivan chuckle once again as he tightened his grip around his waist.

They stayed silent for a while. Till played with Ivan’s hair and kissed his face from time to time, trying to wipe off the tears. Which seemed to refuse to leave at first, but eventually started to subside under Till’s gentle care. After Ivan had calmed down a bit, he bore into Till’s eyes, feeling a bit shy to say what he had planned to in the first place.

“First of all… You’re not undeserving or unworthy of my glances, my love, or whatever else you might’ve come up with in that silly head of yours.” Speaking softly, Till continued to play with some strands of Ivan’s hair entangled between his fingers for a while now. “Secondly, you don’t have to apologize for crying, and don’t dare bottle it up, even if you feel like doing so over a stupid thing… Not saying this is a stupid thing to cry about, but–. Ugh, you get it, right?” Pouting a bit, Till nuzzled onto his cheek, as Ivan chuckled lightly while nodding his head.

Keeping him close, Till kissed his face lightly, leaving pecks here and there that soon overwhelmed Ivan a little bit, making his face go a bit red by the sudden, constant show of affection.

“Okay, okay, got it… You can stop sucking my face now.” He joked, as Till let out a soft grunt in protest, biting his cheek this time instead.

Then, they stared into each other's eyes for a second, before Ivan’s lips curled into a mischievous grin.

“Oh… wanna play that game again?”

“What game? I don’t know what you're talking about…” Till feigned ignorance as he tried to move off Ivan. To no avail, since the other tightened his grip around his waist, preventing him from flying off.

“I was trying to be gentle before… But, since you’ve now started a biting war, you can’t simply leave unscathed, sweetie.”

Ivan rolled over the bed, pushing Till underneath him once more. Body restrained between the mattress and his big boyfriend that shadowed over him. Gulping down slowly, Till felt his heart jumping in anticipation.

But he had to play the brat part, as if he really didn't purposefully start anything of the sort.

“Joke is not funny. You just made up a thing…” Frowning a little and making a display of his best sulking act, Till pressed his hands over Ivan’s chest, softly pushing him away while deliberately feeling his soft pecs under his palms.

“Hm-hm…” Leaning in closer while humming softly, Ivan felt how Till tensed eagerly as soon as his lips lingered around his neck. Soft breath colliding over his skin. “Starting a relationship with lies is a bad thing, love. But guess I’ll overlook it for now, since you’ll soon be acting really cute for me.”

“I don’t really know what you’re talking–.” His words were soon interrupted by a soft gasp, as Ivan pressed his lips against his skin.

A gasp that soon turned into a soft whimper as Ivan’s teeth pressed on his skin slowly. Turning back into a relieved moan, when Ivan released his skin with a soft suck that left behind a red mark on his neck.

“Hm… So cute and so sweet.” A satisfying smirk on his lips, Ivan pulled Till’s hips right onto his, their still exposed skin clashing onto the other.

Letting out a soft gasp, Till refused to let himself be swept away by his teasing this time. Two could play that game.

“Careful not to find yourself crying afterwards again, dummy.” He proudly tried to press Ivan’s buttons, but as soon as he saw that crooked fang of Ivan’s peeking out of his lip mischievously while wetting his lips, Till knew he had taken the bait.

“I wonder… If I can make you cry a little bit before that…?” Purring his words while squeezing Till’s thigh under his palm, Ivan brushed his nose teasingly into a shivering Till.

Swallowing hard and feeling his thoughts start to haze again, his teal eyes noticed the way Ivan’s hand gripped his thigh. Flesh folding under his grip, enough to scrunch, but not as much to feel painful.

Noticing that everything circled back to where it started, Till found the thought both exciting and ironic..

I guess that’s how Ivan’s hand looks while gripping my thigh tightly….

With a kiss that soon was followed by lots more of them. And a caress that once started never stopped roaming around, both of them continued to love each other for the rest of the night. Completely forgetting about the party, outside, the beautiful starry sky above, or whatever other minor thing that wasn’t the other.

They were no longer lost in uncertainty, and now felt free to explore the other side of the line they both had reluctantly tripped over the past few weeks.

Loving each other never felt so easy, despite both still being a bit clumsy and careless.