Archive of Our Own ^beta

When Till wakes up, the room is dark. His eyes make everything fuzzy. His head hurts as he waits for something, anything to happen. He doesn’t understand how he ended up like this. All he knows is that it hurts. He wants appa. Appa always made him feel safe.

“A-app-a?..”

He asks in the empty room with a breaking and wobbly voice.

Nothing. He tries again. He tries to be louder. He tries to be heard.

“APPAA!!” he ends up wailing, distraught clear in his voice. He chokes out a round of sobs as the tears well in his eyes.

The wailing continues. On and on and on and on. Till can no longer bear the sound of his own voice breaking. He wishes someone would hear his cries for help. His screams of solitude in an empty room. They echo and bounce off the walls. They reverberate back into his own ears. And it hurts.

The door gently clicks open, with a gentle hand guiding it through. Ivan’s expression shifts to one of concern when he sees Till. He’s all distraught and red from crying, bruised at the legs. Till’s first instinct is to cling onto him, wrapping himself around Ivan’s leg.

“Appa… don’t leave!”

“Appa?” Ivan questions himself. He doesn’t really know why Till’s calling him that. He settles himself down next to Till, and tries to pry him off his leg. When he finally speaks, he’s gentle as to not distress Till further.

“Till..? What happened?”

He pulls him in closer, wrapping an arm around his back. He notices that Till’s hair is all greasy, and his skin is hot and clammy. He sobs:

“I don’t remember!”

Ivan is slightly taken aback at the slight outburst, but quickly recollects himself and tries again.

“Till.. did they.. do anything.. to you?”

Ivan knows how the seygein treat Till. He wouldn’t be surprised if they had done what he thought they did. Albeit furious.

“It hurts. The room is too dark and it hurts.” Till cries.

Ivan’s confused again. “I- it hurts? Till. What hurts?”

Till can’t bring himself to speak properly anymore. He grabs at Ivan’s shirt and desperately pulls himself into his lap.

“Appa..” he whimpers quietly, burying himself in his chest.

Oh. Ivan knew what he meant now.

“Till. Did you .. regress?”

Till nods into him, wetting his turtleneck with tears.

“Okay okay.. shhh..” he pats his back gently. “You’re all safe. I’m here.”

He pulls him up and begins to carry him against his chest, supporting the back of his head with a hand.

“Do you think we need some quiet time? Huh Till?”

He caresses his back and runs a hand through his hair gently as he receives a muffled “Yeah..” in response.

“Let’s find your cars and go somewhere quiet. Okay?”

“Mkayy!” Till perks up at the mention of his cars. He loves toy cars. They make him forget about all his icky adult responsibilities.  Eugh.

———

Ivan manages to find some kind of a nursery or playroom. Till can see that the walls and furniture are white and the toys are plain. He fishes for a large keychain, full of keys for each and every room, unlocks the door, goes through, and locks it behind them.

“See? It’s okay. I locked the door. They’re not gonna find us in here. Okay? It’s safe. I promise to keep you safe.”

He pauses, looking around the room for any toys Till might like. Stacking blocks, 3D shapes, rattles, stuffies. He was skeptical. And sure enough, Till disregards all of this, heading straight for a bin full of toy cars painted in light colours. He picks out a turquoise one and starts to race it along the carpet, making noises for it as it goes along. “Vrrr… vrrrroom!!”

Ivan chuckles at this, but ultimately decides to join in. He picks up a pastel green car and drives it so it’s ahead of Till’s “look Till, my car’s faster!” he teases.

Unfortunately, Ivan didn’t receive the response he was expecting. Till was furious. He began to cry and wail, trying to crush Ivan’s car with his fist.

“Is no fair! No fairr!” Ivan’s eyes widen at the sight of Till’s tantrum and he immediately drops his car and goes to help Till calm down. He pulls him into his lap, and tries to pry apart his clenched fists with a hand.

“Hey.. hey.. are you angry? Are you feeling angry?”

Till pauses, taking a moment to register.

“Yea…” he mumbles into Ivan’s shoulder with a pout.

“And what do we do when we get angry?” he tries to coax him into giving the right response.

“Tie- try- to calm down..” he stumbles over his words.

“Yeah.. that’s right huh..” Ivan hugs him gently. Till begins to relax into him. “Well done.. that’s really good..” he rubs his back again. “Now we’re just gonna sit here and calm down. Okay?.. we’re gonna forget all that icky adult stuff for now.”

And soon enough, Till ends up forgetting all his anger and begins to doze off in Ivan’s lap.

———

Ivan watches with a gentle smile as Till’s thumb makes its way into his mouth.

“Good boy..” he whispers quietly. However, Ivan quickly grows concerned as Till starts to wiggle and squirm whilst sitting there.

“Till, is something wrong?” he asks, concern evident in his tone. And that’s when he realises what’s wrong. Warmth seeps from Till’s lap into his and immediately he recognises what’s happened. And he doesn’t feel disgusted or repulsed. Not really. He just feels a duty to care for Till. He gently pats Till’s back, who is still oblivious. “Hey.. hey buddy. Can you wake up?”

“Hm..?” Till asks, rubbing his tired eyes.

“I think.. you…  might’ve had an accident buddy..”

Till looks down. As soon as he sees it, his lower lip trembles, his mouth opens as he begins to wail and cry. Uh oh..

“Auhhauugghh!!”

Ivan tries to readjust him in his arms.

“Ohh no. Cmon cmon.. calm down..”

“Ouuugh! Ouuuwaghhh!” he wails and growls slightly. As he cries his drool slips out of his mouth and onto Ivan again. He definitely needs to wash this jumper.

“Hey it’s okay.. you’re just a baby.. it’s not your fault.. you can’t control it can you?”

He pats his bottom and bounces him gently.

“Nou..” he whimpers and mumbles into him.

“Yeah that’s right..” he pauses “I think it’s appa’s fault, huh? I mean.. it’s his job to take care of you and he let you have an accident. Silly appa, huh?”

Till tries to giggle through his sobs.

“I know huh. Now let’s go get you cleaned up.”

“Okay..” he mumbles.

———

Ivan leads Till into an attached bathroom. It’s spacious and has clearly been designed for young children. Ivan keeps the set of keys with him and locks the door  behind them after they enter. He tries his best to make Till comfortable before taking off his gloves, rolling up his sleeves, running hot water into the bathtub, and grabbing some bubble bath.

“We’re gonna get you all clean in a nice warm bath.. okay?” he asks Till whilst he mixes in the bubbles. “Till?”

Till has decided to sit on the floor stubbornly and look away from Ivan. “Till? Cmon… we need you clean.”

“I don’t wanna..” Till mumbles into his own sleeve.

“Why not? You’ll feel all nice and clean once you get out..” he tries to coax Till again, yet nothing happens.

“It’s gonna make it hurt worse Ivan..” It’s clear Till has given up. He’s tired of fighting. Even if that means it hurts worse, maybe it’ll happen less. Maybe it would help if he stopped fighting it. But Ivan only grows more concerned at his words.

“You need to be clean Till. It’ll keep hurting if it’s not clean. You could get an infection.. Till.”

And Till finds that that’s enough to scare him straight. Immediately, his wet clothes are off and he dips his foot in the water. It’s hot. It burns slightly. It burns. It burns like his whole body had before. He yelps and pulls his foot back out of the water. He remembers what happened now. Ivan’s attention shifts to comforting him again, and he quickly sits with him on the floor, and helps him cover up in a towel.

“It’s okay. We’ll take as much time as you need.”

———

Later, Till’s finally calmed down enough to get in the bathtub again - on the condition that Ivan adds more cold water. When Till gets in, the water is the perfect baby temperature, warm but not too hot. He smiles slightly as Ivan hands him a pastel green rubber ducky.

“Till?”

After becoming engrossed with an entire series of bath toys that lay in front of him, Till snaps out of his trance. He looks up at Ivan and smiles.

“Hm?”

“Now.. I know it’s scary but how do you wanna do this? I don’t think you’re ready for me to do it. So how about I step out of the room for a moment and you clean all the private areas? Okay?”

“Mkay..” he agrees without much fuss. That’s unusual for Till.

“Okay. Call appa if you need anything, okay?” Ivan says as he steps out.

———

The sounds Ivan hears from the other side of the door are unnerving. There’s a couple winces and ‘ouches’ and the occasional squeal or sob. It all sounds so painful. And yet, Ivan doesn’t help. He shouldn’t. He knows it’ll trigger Till worse if he does it. It’ll just bring back bad memories. Ivan cares about Till too much to let him have another flashback. So he does what he knows he should and stays out of it.

After a few painful minutes, Ivan comes back in to wash Till’s hair with soft, cleansing baby shampoo. He runs the showerhead over his grey-blue hair and is careful to keep the water from running into his eyes. Till hates it when that happens, and he doesn’t want to cause another fuss. He grabs the bottle of shampoo and lathers it into his hands, then massages it into Till’s hair. He relaxes as he feels Ivan’s hands on his head. Surprisingly, having his hair washed is actually very soothing. Ivan continues to run his hands through Till’s hair, as if he’s done this many times before, despite the fact this is one of the first. He gently runs the water back over Till’s head and rinses out the shampoo thoroughly. He doesn’t do it again. Ivan thinks double cleansing is a scam and a waste of time, just designed for big cooperations to make even more money off the exploitation of humans.

He hooks his hands under Till’s armpits, and once he has a secure hold on him, he lifts Till out of the bathtub and quickly wraps him in a towel. Once he’s dry, he finds that he’s too drowsy to do anything himself. So Ivan gets him dressed again, and puts some deodorant on for him. He then gently lifts him back into his arms.

“Mmm.. you smell really good.” Ivan says, breathing in the scent of freshly washed clothes, “Do you feel better?” Till just nods. This is when Ivan realises he must be very eepy. “I think you need a nap bud, then we can talk when you wake up instead.” Till just holds him tighter, and closes his eyes, resting his head on Ivan’s shoulder, his brain failing to register any of his words.

———

When Till’s eyes adjust to the light, he finds Ivan’s blurred face above his own. He’s looking at him contentedly, and as everything comes into focus, he feels Ivan run a soft hand through his hair. Ivan’s hand runs behind his back and helps him to sit upright. Ivan gently guides Till closer to him and gives him yet another hug. It’s soft and warm and filled with love. Till doesn’t want to let go. Ivan’s hand moves up and down his back in a calming manner as he shushes his sobs gently.

“Hey.. good to see you awake bud..” he gently speaks, a hand on Till’s shoulder.

“Mnnnghgghh..” Till groans and rubs his eyes groggily. The light hurts.

“I know I know.. it’s bright in here.” Ivan points out, as he begins to lift Till with a grunt and place him on his hip.

They spend a few minutes like that. And all is quiet. Both are calm. But those things are about to change, much to Ivan’s dismay.

“Hey Till? There’s something I needed to ask you..” Ivan looks at him with content.

“Huh? Appa.. what is it?” Till asks, now slightly more energetic and clearly somewhat curious. Ivan hesitates, he’s unsure of how Till will respond. He knows Till has a habit of blowing things out of proportion, and being overcome by his petty emotions.

“Well.. I was wondering how you’d feel about wearing diapers. You know.. because I-“

If Ivan hadn’t ticked him off before, he’d certainly done the job now.

“I DON’T WANNA! M’ NOT A BABY! I’M A GROWN UP!!”

Ivan gives his best effort in trying to calm Till down, he wraps a hand around the back of his head and gently runs his thumb along it. And yet Till is still crying, and thrashing around chaotically in order to escape his grip. Luckily for Ivan, he happens to be a lot stronger than Till. It’s to Till’s utter disappointment that between his kicks and all the squirming, that Ivan only tightens his grip, and continues to hold him firmly. He’s no longer got that sweet look on his face. Now, he’s just emotionless. But he manages to snap out of it when he hears Till whimper softly and let out a loud sob. Then he’s straight back to caregiver mode, patting his back and asking gently if he needs or wants anything.

“Hey.. you know I care about you. I want you to be comfortable and that includes all that stuff. We could start off with some pull-ups, if that makes it any easier.”

Till just nods. He doesn’t want to cause a fuss anymore.

———

The changing mat he’s been laid on is surprisingly comfortable. He just lays back against it, and starts to forget about having to be an adult. His head is fuzzy and he feels a lot smaller all of a sudden. Somehow, it’s still comforting.

“Is it okay if I do this?” Ivan asks, a hand at the waistband of Till’s sweatpants. Till takes a shaky breath in preparation.

‘I’m safe’ he tells himself repeatedly. He can do this. Appa will be proud of him.

“Okay..”

But he just can’t stop looking down, and kicking, and recoiling every time he feels Ivan’s hands on him. “Please.. stawppp!!”

He wails loudly in Ivan’s ear, his face all red and scrunched up. And the tears start flowing, and here comes the next tantrum, for the millionth time today. But Ivan can’t let that happen. Not again.

“Hey.. hey. How about you have some things to distract you while I take care of it.. okay?” Till seems to calm down rather quickly as a teething ring is placed in his hand and a rattle in the other. He shakes the rattle, chews the ring. He holds the rattle above his head, then switches hands, putting his teether in the other. He looks at his teether for a bit, and runs a finger over the patterns in the silicone. They’re such pretty patterns. He thinks they would taste nice. So he shoves the ring in his mouth again without much hesitation, forgetting about his rattle as he places 2 hands on the ring and gnaws at it. And all of a sudden, it’s all over as Ivan secures his pull-up and gently tickles his tummy, causing him to giggle and squirm. There are hands on his back again as he’s placed on Ivan’s hip, which has more recently become one of his favourite places to be.

He giggles and laughs as he’s rocked and bounced, and eventually Ivan nuzzles their noses together and tells him how proud he is. That Till got through it. Till made it.