Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Baekjin is still missing,” Baku exclaims rather loudly next to Gotak, who takes a bite out of his lunch, holding himself from scoffing loudly. 

Every single day, Baekjin is the topic. Baekjin is on Baku’s mind. Every day, Baku has to talk about him. It’s always Baekjin this. Baekjin that. 

After the big fight with the union, it has been so peaceful and calming, especially now that Suho has woken up. 

However, Baku found out that Baekjin was missing for a while, and he made it his priority to figure out where the guy had gone.

It bothers Gotak so much. It irritates him that Baekjin is always on Baku’s mind. He doesn’t know why it bothers him, but it does. 

That’s why he keeps quiet. He knows how much Baekjin meant to Baku. But meant, that’s past tense. Baku and his classmates won against Baekjin, so why does it matter to even think about Baekjin? 

“Maybe he is taking a break. He did lose to us a few years ago, and it might be embarrassing for him to show his face.” Juntae exclaims, sitting next to Gotak. 

“I don’t know. I have a weird feeling.” 

“You always have weird feelings.” Gotak retorts only to bite his tongue from sounding so bitter. Baku narrows his eyes at Gotak, who keeps eating, not paying attention. 

“Maybe he went abroad to study?” Juntae adds, trying to calm the sudden tension that is rising between the two best friends. He believes they are not on good terms, but he hasn’t had time to sit next to Gotak to talk. They are busy with basketball, and now Baku is, well, worrying about Baekjin.

Baku is still staring at Gotak, who pretends to eat. Juntae sighs, not wanting to come between them. It’s Baku and Gotak. They always argue and fight, but make up at the end. 

Juntae stays quiet at that. He knows they talk it out. He knows they communicate with each other very well. But there is still the thought that Gotak is done with Baekjin. He had had enough of him, and you can’t blame the guy. Baekjin took what he was passionate about. 

Juntae wonders if they ever discussed about Baekjin and what he did to Gotak.

“Are you okay?” Baku asks Gotak who puts his utensils down and sighs. Gotak does not know what he feels. Irritation? Loneliness? Annoyed? Sad? All of it at once? He does not know. He just hates hearing Baku talk about Baekjin constantly. He doesn’t have it in him to point it out to Baku. To ask Why do you care? Why now? He didn’t talk about Baekjin nor mention it until Seiun got involved. They didn’t mention Baekjin after Gotak’s knee incident, but now, after Baekjin’s and the union’s loss, it is all Baekjin. He doesn’t say anything.

Instead, he takes a breath and looks up at Baku. 

“I am fine. I am going to go gather things for tonight’s dinner. I expect you at the practice.” He says sternly, gathering his things. He breaks eye contact, not liking the vulnerable expression on Baku’s face.

Baku doesn’t say anything. He just watches his best friend walk out of the cafeteria. He knows Gotak hates when he overthinks. Gotak has been vocal about it, but nowadays, he is quiet. Way too quiet, and Baku wants to ask why.

“He is stressed about the big game. Don’t worry too much.” Juntae speaks as if he heard Baku’s thoughts. The elder just gives the young one a sad smile and leaves the cafeteria as well. 

Tomorrow night is the big game. Tonight is the dinner with his team to prepare. His mom wants to host it, so now he has to buy the ingredients. Gotak sighs; he has to get his head into the game. He can’t be thinking about anything else. This game will get him a basketball career. He can get recruited and go abroad. He can’t have any distractions, even if that distraction is his best friend. 

He has nothing against Baekjin. He has forgiven Baekjin for breaking his knee. He knows Baekjin was just hurt that Baku chose Gotak over Baekjin. Baekjin needs help. He needs a therapist. Someone to talk to. He didn’t have a good childhood, and the bullying led to him becoming the bully. The experience he went through in life made him the way he is, and Gotak is no one to judge him for it.

Yes, Gotak was hurt, but he protected Baku. Baekjin wanted Baku, and Baku has been through a lot. Gotak was there for him and will always be there for him. If he had to break another knee to protect Baku, he would do so. They were there for each other through their lowest to highest moments in life. But now, he doesn’t know why he feels weird when Baku mentions Baekjin. 

In the past, Baku would avoid talking about Baekjin since Baekjin wanted Baku to join, but now that is all he talks about. Is that why Gotak feels weird? He sighs again. Why must this be so hard? Why can’t Baku just go back to his annoying, loud, happy self that Gotak adores? Why can’t they just argue over the dumbest shit like Baku’s need to change hair colors? He sighs again. 

“That’s quite a lot of sighs.” Someone says, and Gotak whips his head towards the voice. It’s Suho. Gotak smiles at him, seeing that he can now walk. It was a struggle at first for Suho to walk. Something about his nerves from his brain connecting to his legs were damaged, causing difficulties with him walking, but with the help of Sieun, he is up. 

“Sorry, just a lot on my mind. How are you?”

“So fine. I am so glad to be out of the hospital jail. It sucked so bad. I felt like I was in jail. What is on your mind, if you don’t mind me asking?” Suho asked, not wanting to sound so nosy, but at the same time, he does want to know why the man who always walked with ease and a cool look is very lost these days. The last time he saw him, it was the same look on his face. 

Gotak looks away from Suho, down to the scallions he is holding. That feeling is back. The one he feels whenever Baku mentions Baekjin. He hates this feeling. Like his heart at any moment is going to drop to his stomach, and Gotak has to hurl it all out. 

Gotak does not know if he should share anything with Suho. There is a chance Suho might share with Sieun. Gotak does not have a problem with Sieun, but Baku knows Sieun now. He knows how to get under his skin to get the answers. So Gotak takes a breath and lightly smiles.

“Basketball. Nervous about the game.” 

Oh, Suho knows Gotak is lying. That is not on his mind. He is deflecting. Suho can easily see it, but he does not say anything about it. 

“Oh, no need to be nervous. I am sure you are going to do great. From what Sieun told me, you and Baku are-.” Gotak flinches at Baku’s mention, and that has Suho stop midtalking. Baku is the one on Gotak’s mind, not basketball. Gotak gave it away. Suho tries not to smirk but continues talking, trying to get more information out of Gotak.

“You and Baku are amazing. I would love to play with you both. How is Baku? I haven’t seen him in a while. Last time I spoke to him, he was talking about you and-.” And again, Suho sees the different reaction of Gotak. Something happened. Gotak is reacting differently to the mention of Baku. Suho, without thinking, speaks, 

“Is everything okay with you and Baku? If you need someone to talk to, I am here. We don’t know each other closely, but I have a history with friends' drama.” Suho says, trying to lighten the mood since Gotak looks like he might faint. 

Gotak feels his stomach and heart, and every organ he has in his throat. He didn’t mean to be so obvious about Baku, but his mind is boggled. All he can think about is Baku. Baku is everywhere. And Gotak hates it, he hates it so much. Having this feeling, of wanting Baku around, but at the same just the thought of Baku being near him irritates him.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel or think. He is so focused on finding Baekjin, and I get that Baekjin is important, but it is like, why now? Why does he matter now? Maybe I am thinking too much. I don’t know. Sorry I don’t want to sound like I am bitching or-“

“Jealous.” Suho raises his eyebrow, and he knows he hit the spot since Gotak drops the scallions, looking puzzled. 

Is he jealous? Why would he be jealous? That does not make sense to Gotak. Baku used to talk about Baekjin until the incident with his knee, so he is not jealous. Is he jealous? This is all so confusing to him. He does not understand. It is giving him a headache. 

“Hey. Hey, calm down. You look like you are about to pass out. Let's go take a walk.” Suho basically drags Gotak out of the grocery store after buying the ingredients Gotak’s mother needed. Gotak is thinking too much. Way too much. He can not be jealous. He has no reason to be jealous of Baekjin. Baku can think about whoever he wants. Why would that matter to Gotak? 

But why does the thought of Baku thinking about Baekjin annoy him? He keeps feeling that heart-dropping-to-stomach feeling over and over again. 

“I can hear you thinking. I have been there.” Gotak furrows his eyebrows at Suho. 

“What?” 

“I have been there. Sieun cared too much for Beomseok. He talked about him way too much before my hospital stay, but even still, and now, when he does talk about him, it irritates me. I mean, I have two reasons why it irritates me. One, that guy basically ruined my life. I could have graduated on time and helped my parents, but now my parents are in medical debt. Two, why must he talk about another man when I am the only man he needs? When should he only be thinking about me? Why must they think about other me-.”

“Wait. Wait, stop. You and I are different. Our situation is different. You and Sieun are in a relationship? Baku and I are just-.” Friends? Is that it? Why can’t he finish the sentence? They are friends. Just friends. Right? 

His head boggles at the thought of being more. No. No. They can’t be. Baku does not see him that way, and neither does he. Gotak does not even like men. He has only been with women. So has Baku, but why, God, why is it hard to say they are just friends? Why is there a lump in his throat? No. No. He is being dumb right now. The game and Baku being distracted are messing with his feelings.

“We are just friends. There is no jealousy.” Gotak lets out, even if the feeling of wanting to hurl intensifies. It felt so weird to say it. Suho doesn’t press on the matter, but he can feel the conflict in Gotak’s mind. He knows how he is feeling. Denial is the first step. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to cross any lines. It’s just seeing you being upset over your best friend reminded me of myself. Again, I didn’t mean to insinuate anything.” Suho states, but Gotak still looks like he is about to pass out from everything he is thinking and feeling. 

He does not like Baku like that. He always teased Baku whenever Baku would try to flirt with other girls and fail miserably, but he never felt upset, or sad, or jealous. Right? His head blares even more at his confusing thoughts. Gotak does not date. He does not have time to date. He focuses on his studies, basketball, and well, Baku. 

“Hey, I am sorry if I said something out of the ordinary.” Suho apologizes, touching Gotak’s arm, who breaks out of the haze. He clears his throat and shakes his head. 

“No. No, it’s okay. I am again lost in my thoughts about the game. You are okay. Will you be coming with Sieun?” Suho knows Gotak is lying. 

It is so easy to read this man. Is Baku such a dumbass to not see him?

Suho thinks to himself as he answers Gotak,

“Yeah, I am just on my way to pick him up. Let us know if you need anything.” 

Gotak bids him goodbye and walks away to his house. Suho is wrong. He is completely wrong. Gotak is not jealous. He can’t be jealous of Baekjin and Baku. Baku can talk, see, and date whoever he wants. Gotak does not care. 

One last time, Gotak sighs and walks inside his house to help his mother cook dinner, forgetting about his conversation with Suho.

♥︎

Everyone is here. Baku also. Gotak had the thought that Baku wouldn’t come or would come late, but he came with Juntae. They haven’t said a word to each other, nor have they run into each other. Gotak busies himself with helping his mother and talking about the game plan when the team comes. 

Suho and Siuen are the last ones to join. They brought along a few friends as well, whom Gotak met a few times, not enough to know them personally. It’s loud, and everyone is excited for the game tomorrow. They plan to go play a round after dinner, but Gotak isn’t sure if he wants to see Baku right now. 

Every time he looks over his way, he is reminded of what Suho said. Gotak shakes his head for the hundredth time today. He looks away from Baku, who is currently loudly talking to Sieun’s friend, Yeongi. See, no jealousy. He does not feel anything. When Baku moves closer to listen to her, or laughs rather loudly when she says something. Gotak knows its not even that funny for Baku to be laughing out of his ass. He does not feel anything even when Baku peels her perilla leaf for her, and he especially doesn’t feel anything when Baku holds up his chopsticks to feed her. 

“You look like you are about to jump over the table and stab him with your chopsticks,” Suho exclaims, whispering into Gotak’s ear. The basketball player looks away from Baku again and stares at Suho, who is smirking now. 

“He is being too loud and obnoxious. That’s all.”

“Hmm, yeah sure. He d-.” Their attention is taken away from each other to Baku loudly laughing again, but this time it was with Sieun, who is also smiling at him. It is very, very rare to see Sieun smile so brightly, but he has been doing so often now since Suho is back. Sieun says something to Baku, and as always, the man has to do dramatic effects when he talks and laughs. Everyone around him laughed along with him. 

“You're lucky.” 

“What?” Gotak asks, his gaze not leaving Baku. 

“You are lucky to know him. Baku. He endearingly attracts people. He does not need to put in effort or do things for people to feel welcomed. He has that aura that when he speaks, he lures you in. He brings the weirdness out of you and lets you know and feel that it is okay to be weird. To be different. Not many people feel comfortable with who they are, but he makes them feel comfortable or guides them towards it. He makes everyone around him smile and feel at peace. You know that better than all of us. You have been with him the longest. You have seen him at his lowest and his highest. He, too, has seen you in the same way.”

Gotak listens and stares at Baku. Everything Suho is saying is correct. Baku is, well, perfect. In a sense where he will put everything behind to help you. He will prioritize you. He will fight everyone just so you can feel comfortable. Just so you could be happy. That is what he did for Gotak. For him. He fought his childhood best friend for him. He fought his past for Gotak. For him.

Gotak gets up abruptly, catching the attention of almost everyone in the room. He needs to walk away. He can’t look at Baku or even think straight with him around. He has to be away before he says something stupid or does something. 

He walks away to his room and sits on the bed. He can’t like Baku. There is no way he likes Baku. He is not gay. He does not like men. He doesn’t see any guy like that. No. This is so wrong, liking Baku. His best friend. What will Baku think? What will Baku say if he finds out?

No. There is nothing to find out. He does not like Baku. He should not be thinking about him. He should not be focused on feelings. Gotak feels like crying. He hasn’t felt this confused and so many mixed emotions since he found out he can’t do taekwondo anymore. Maybe he needs to get laid. He needs to sleep with someone. He needs to go out. Get this pent-up frustration out of him. 

Gotak rubs his face and looks over at the clock for the time, but his stare stops at the photo frame hanging next to the clock. It is of him and Baku. He and Baku both decided to hang these pictures of themselves on the wall. Anywhere they go, anywhere they experience happiness or accomplishment, they take a picture and hang it. It’s all him and Baku. This whole room feels like his and Baku’s room. 

Every corner has Baku written on it. How can he like Baku and risk everything they had? Baku is the straightest guy he has ever met. Even if Gotak likes Baku, the feelings will never ever be returned. He can not like Baku. He is confused. That is it. After this game, hopefully, he gets sponsored, and he can focus on the sponsorship. Nothing but that. No feelings. 

The door to his room opens, and Gotak almost jumps when he sees Baku standing there looking at him so vulnerably. Gotak feels like he might throw up everything he ate. There is an unspoken silence and tension between them as they stare at each other. Gotak is so, so, so confused, and he hates how his best friend is making him feel. He hates it so bad. He was always in control of his feelings. His actions. But now it is all a mess. 

“Are you good?” Baku steps inside, and Gotak, with all his will, resists taking a step back. He does not want Baku near him. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I am good. Just nervous for tomorrow’s game.” Baku nods, and Gotak wishes he would just disappear from his room, but Baku closes the door behind him. Gotak takes a deep breath in. This is so not good for him right now. 

“Don’t be. You are going to do great. We are all going to do great. Remember what I told you, you think too much and get into your head. Don’t. We are here for you. I am here for you.” Baku grins, wrapping his arm around Gotak’s neck and squeezing him enough for their bodies to mesh together. 

His heart is in his throat. His whole body starts to burn so hot. He can feel his blood rushing through each vein in his body. He can’t think at all. Anymore. Nothing. Baku is holding him. Baku’s body is next to him. Gotak goes rigid, but Baku does not notice. He stares up at the picture Gotak was looking at and grins widely. 

“You are going to do so great, Hyuntak. I am going to miss you so much when you go abroad to pursue basketball.” And it falls. His heart is in his stomach. His shoulder sags. He pulls away from Baku and looks over at his bed. 

Gotak is so stupid. He feels so stupid. 

“I came here to tell you Suho brought drinks. Let’s get a little wasted before we go to practice. You need to let loose a bit. Come.” Baku pats his back and leaves, not seeing the tear that goes down Gotak’s eye. 

♥︎

“We shouldn’t be drinking.” Gotak slurrily speaks as he takes another sip of his drink. Suho, who is drunk out of his ass, laughs out loud and nods his head. 

“You should not be drinking. Me. I can drink. I will drink. I like this.” 

Gotak laughs at him as he sips again and again. He is not sure how many glasses he drank, but his head no longer feels like an angsty novel. Baku is somewhere. He has no clue, and he does not want to know. 

“I like Sieun. I like him so much. If I could clone him. I will make like millions of Sieun.” Suho speaks drunkily, not caring who is hearing him. Gotak chuckles at what he said. Everyone knows they are together, even if they don’t officially want to announce it. It is so obvious with the way they are always together, and Suho basically every day confesses his undying love for Sieun. 

“He makes me feel so many emotions, Gotak. It is insane.” Suho turns around to face Gotak, a bit way too close to his face, but Gotak does not move back. He stares. 

“You know, like he makes me want to get up in the morning and just run over to see him. He makes me feel like if everything burns, he will be there with me, watching it burn. He used to never tell me what was happening in his life. He would always, like always, solve problems on his own.” Gotak again has that feeling where his heart is in his stomach. He does not want to hear Suho talking about his love for Sieun. He does not want to hear it. But he doesn’t move. He listens, and in his mind, Baku is the only one running around.

“In a way, he protected me so I, me, can live comfortably. I like him so much. He makes me feel like I matter. He chose me. Out of everyone, he chose me. I like Sieun. So. So. Much. Just like you. You like Bak-.”

“Stop.” Gotak steps away, putting his drink down. He doesn’t care if he said it a bit loud enough for Juntae to hear. He feels like he is going to throw his heart out and stomp on it. Suho needs to stop with all his bullshit talk about Gotak liking Baku. He does not like Baku. 

“You okay?” Juntae, next to Gotak, asks, but Gotak does not answer. He throws a glare at Suho and walks out of the living room to his room. He does not like Baku. 

I do not like Baku. I do not like Baku. I do not like Baku. I do not like Baku. I do not like Baku. 

He is going to go play basketball. He can’t be around anyone right now. It was easier said than done. He opens the door, and Baku is lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Gotak stops at the door, unsure if he should go inside his own room or just go outside. 

Why must everything be so difficult for him?

“Gotak. Bro, come in. I need to ask you something.” Baku jumps up on the bed with way too much energy. Gotak regrets leaving Suho to drink alone. He feels his stomach churn seeing Baku staring excitedly at him. Slowly, he closes the door and walks toward Baku. His body is starting to feel hotter than usual. He hates this so much.

“Guess what?” Baku grabs him by the elbow to pull him so they both can sit across from each other. Gotak thinks this is a bad idea. They should not both be in the same room. Gotak takes a deep breath and lets it out, sitting criss cross from each other. He looks back at Baku, whose eyes are red and so drunk. Baku is drunk. His smile is wide, and his eyes are twinkling like there is no ounce of worry, just pure twinkle enjoyment.

“What?” It is so loud. Gotak’s heartbeat. He can hear it going thun thun so loudly. 

“Yeongi says I don’t know how to kiss.” Gotak clenches his jaw at that, and he is one hundred percent sure them in a room together alone is not a good idea. He needs to get up. He will blow up. He can not talk to Baku. 

“I kissed so many people, but she said I don’t know how to kiss. Can you believe it? It is crazy. She is crazy. I kiss good. I am a good kisser. I need to prove it to her. I don’t know how, though.” Gotak looks at Baku’s lips. He feels like punching Baku so hard. He wants to scream at him. He wants to yell. He wants him to know how he is making him feel, so, so, so many emotions at once. He wants him to know that all he can think about is him, no one but him. The only one on his mind is Baku. Only him. He wants him to know he is not sure if he likes-.

Baku moves closer, not slow enough for Gotak to realize what was going to happen, fast enough to press his lips against Gotak’s. 

Gotak whole world stops. His breathing stops. His eyes don’t blink. He sees Baku’s face, eyes closed, so close to him. His lips on his lips. It lasts for about 30 seconds or even less. Enough for Baku to take a few pecks of Gotak’s lips. Enough for him to break any hope Gotak had for himself for thinking Baku likes him back. 

“I kiss good, right? I am going to tell Yeongi I kissed you and left you speechless cause I kiss good.” 

He felt so cold. So cold. The heat that he once felt was replaced with coldness. He felt hollow now. Baku’s words repetitively play in his head like a broken record player. Baku has no clue what he has done. Baku jumps out of the bed, happily, childishly, leaving the room as if he didn’t just break Gotak into pieces.

Gotak stays in his spot. Gotak stares at the spot where Baku was sitting. He doesn’t feel anything. He doesn’t feel the hot burn on his lips. He only feels the coldness on his body. He doesn’t feel the hot tears leaking out of his eyes, running down his cheeks, and dropping from his chin. He does not feel like anything. He just feels cold. 

♥︎

“Are you okay?” It was the first thing Juntae asked Gotak when he walked into their locker room before the big game. 

No. Gotak is not okay. Gotak does not think he can ever be okay. He did not sleep. He did not get a second of sleep. He feels cold. No matter how hot the water he showered in, he feels so cold. Ever since last night, he has felt cold. Even when he practiced last night or this morning. He just feels cold. He shouldn’t feel cold. It is the big game. He should be nervous, but he isn’t. He just feels cold. 

“Yeah. Ready for the game. Is everyone here?” Is Baku here? That is what he wants to ask, but thinking about his best friend makes him want to puke. He can’t think about what happened last night. It is game day. Only basketball should be on his mind. 

“Not yet, but he did text in the group chat that he will be here. He is on his way. Are you sure you are okay?” Gotak gulps; he wants to scream no. He wants to yell; he feels like he has too many emotions that need to be taken out of him. 

“I am okay. I am going to warm up with the rest of the team. Please text him again.” Juntae nods at that, and Gotak leaves to warm up. He only has to think about basketball. Nothing else. Basketball right now matters. His career matters. His life right now matters. He needs to be good. He needs to do good. 

Gotak joins his teammates, and they practice. He loses himself in playing basketball, but his mind comes back when he hears the coach blow the whistle. He stares at everyone who is here. Suho and Sieun are sitting with Juntae. He looks at his teammates. No Baku. Where’s Baku? 

“Has anyone seen Baku?” Their coach asks, and all heads turn to Gotak. This can’t be happening. Gotak takes his phone. He sees a message from Baku. 

I have information on Baekjin. I am running late, but I will make it to the game. I promise. Gotak squeezes his phone tightly in his hand, and from the stands, Juntae knows. Even Sieun does. 

“Call him. Sieun, call him.” Juntae worriedly requests. The look on Gotak's face is enough to tell them that whatever is happening between the two best friends is so not good. 

The buzzer goes off. To let everyone know the game is about to start. Sieun has called Baku multiple times. Suho called. Juntae called. Baku did not pick up. Juntae gets down the bleachers when he sees Gotak’s panicked eyes searching everywhere. He runs over to Gotak and grabs his hands. Gotak is breathing heavily, like he is about to pass out. He is sweating before the game even starts. 

“Hey. Hey. Listen to me. Hyuntak, listen. You can do this. Okay. He will be here. He won’t leave you alone. He will.-“

“He is not here. He went for Baekjin. He is not here, Juntae. Baku is not here with me. I don’t. I don’t-.” Gotak’s whole body is shaking. His mind is spiraling, and breathing is so harsh. At any moment, he feels like he is going to collapse.

“No. No, look at me. It is Baku. Baku will never leave you alone like that. Baku always keeps his promise. He knows how important this game is to you. He knows. He said he is coming, so he will. He will come for you. He will always choose you.” Juntae assures him, and it does make Gotak calm down a bit. He takes a deep breath in and out. He can do this. 

Baku might not be in the first quarter, but he will make it in the second quarter, and they will win. They will do it together. Baku will come. 

One quarter passes, no Baku. 

Second quarter passes, no Baku. Suho calls. Sieun calls. Juntae calls. Many. Many. Many times. No Baku.

Third quarter passes, no Baku.

Fourth quarter passes, no Baku. Suho and Sieun hug Juntae as he starts crying. 

Game ends. No Baku. Gotak lost. No Baku. Their team lost. No Baku. Everyone leaves. No Baku. Coach assures them their time will come again, and they should train harder. No Baku. Some of the members cry. No Baku. They assure each other. No Baku. They shower. No Baku. The coach offers to take them to eat out. No Baku. Juntae, Suho, and Sieun come to see Gotak. No Baku.

No one says anything. They stare at Gotak, who moves like a robot, wearing his clothes after his shower and cleaning his locker. He packs up all his stuff while they watch him. Juntae is silently crying. Suho wants to say something, but he has no clue what to say. Sieun wants to punch the shit out of Baku but has no clue where is at. 

Empty. That is all he feels. Heavy are his shoulders and chest. He does not want to think. He just wants to go home and sleep. He does not want to face anyone. He wants to be left alone. 

Gotak does not say anything to his friends. He ignores them. He walks past them. He walks away from the locker room and enters the gym. 

“Gotak.” The bag he is carrying drops to the ground when he sees Baku standing in the middle of the gym, out of breath. Sieun, Suho, and Juntae immediately run over to them, on edge. The tension between them is so strong and heavy. 

“Gotak. I am sorry. I am so sorry.” Baku moves desperately pleading, but Gotak takes a step back. And that hurt, it hurt like a bitch to Baku. He fucked up big time.

“I am sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to miss the game. I don’t-.”

“But you did.” Gotak sounds so defeated and tired. It aches Juntae’s heart seeing his best friend like this. As much as a happy-go-lucky person Baku is, so is Gotak. He is happy and calm. He doesn’t like drama, and he keeps it to himself. He has friends. He has passion, but now seeing him so vulnerable and empty, it makes Juntae so sad. 

“I know. I am sorry. I fucked up. I am so sorry. I can’t believe I missed the game. I tried so hard to make it on time. It is raining outside, and the traffic was insane. I really didn’t mean to miss the game. I would never ever do that to you, but I missed it and I am so so sorry. I got a call from Union about Baekjin's whereabouts.” 

That was it. That was the breaking point. That name. Gotak lifts his arm and slaps Baku across the face. So hard that it makes Baku stagger back, and the slap sound echoes in the gym. 

The three friends stare widely at them. Neither saw the slap coming. 

“Baekjin, this. Baekjin, that. Fuck you, Baku. Fuck you.” Gotake angrily claims. His whole body is shaking, and he steps forward to a baffled Baku. Gotak pokes his chest and sadly looks at him.

“You broke your promise. You broke your promise. Do you have any idea what you have fucking done?” He pokes his chest over and over again. Baku feels like crying at how Gotak is looking at him. He fucked up really bad this time. Baku grabs Gotak’s wrists, stopping him from jabbing his chest over and over again.

“I know. I know. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I fucked up. I swear I will make it better. I promise. I really will-.“

“Promise? Baku, do you fucking realize how you are making me feel like? Every time you mention Baekjin, I feel like I am going to pass out. I feel so stupid for even feeling like this. I don’t fucking care if you missed the game. I fucking care the reason behind you missing the game. Why are you doing this to me? Why?” Gotak pulls back, staring desperately at him.

“Gotak. I don’t. I don’t understand. I missed the game. I am sorry. I truly feel like shit. I will do anything to make it up to you. And Baekjin is missing. I need to know if he is safe or not-.”

“Why do you fucking care?! Why does he matter? Why now?” Gotak is so close to breaking apart. He is so close to crying. He is so close to dropping to his knees and letting it all out. His best friend is making him feel so, so, so hopeless and sad.

“Gotak, he still is. He just, it’s Baekjin. I might hate him, but I still care for him. Why are you being like this?” A tear rolled down Gotak’s eyes, followed by so many more. 

“Fuck you, Baku. You keep playing with my feelings, and I keep allowing you to. You make me feel so much, and I hate myself for it.” Baku takes a deep breath at that, and it really does pain him seeing his best friend crying because of him. He takes a step forward to grab Gotak’s hand, so cautiously as if Gotak is so fragile.

“I am sorry. I really am. For everything. I am sorry for missing the game. I am sorry. I don’t know how to fix this, but I will try. I’ll fix ever-.”

“Last night, why would you do that?” Baku blinked at Gotak, confused, and it was enough for Gotak. New, fresh tears roll down Gotak’s cheeks, and he pulls away from Baku again.

“I hate you so much right now. Get away from me.” Gotak exclaims, grabbing his bag from the ground, and starts to walk away. He can’t associate himself with Baku anymore. He can’t. He doesn’t even remember what he did last night.

“Wait. Wait. Wait.” Baku runs after Gotak, who does not stop even when Baku steps in front of him. He is crying. The tears won’t stop. He can’t be near Baku. 

“Go.” Baku grabs his hand again, using his nickname to stop him. 

“Let go, please.” Gotak whimpers sorrowfully, and it wounds Baku so badly.

“What did I do last night?” 

“Let go.” 

“Please tell me. I was wasted. I am sorry if I said something wrong. I am sorry, okay. I really am. I don’t remember, and I am just so sorry for everything. Gotak, please.” Baku cries out; he doesn’t care how pathetic he sounds. 

“Let go of me. You’re a piece of shit. Do you have no ounce of care for my feelings?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about?! I won’t know if you don’t tell me!? I know I fucked up today but last night, what did-“

“Yeah, you fucked up!” Gotak screams, he screams so loudly. He just feels so much. All because of this man in front of him. 

“You fucked up. You fucked up by talking about Baekjin all the fucking time. You fucked up by bringing him into every fucking conversation. You fucked up by focusing so much on-“

“Hey, Gotak, you should stop.” Suho tries to intervene as he knows where this is going, but Gotak doesn’t stop. 

“You fucked up so bad. If you really fucking cared for Baekjin you should have joined the union but instead you made it everyone’s problem. You fucked up when you prioritize him over the team. Over basketball. Over me. You fucked up by making me feel so upset. So angry. So lost. So fucking jealous: And you definitely fucking fucked up when you kissed me last night like I had no fucking feeling what’s so all because someone thought you didn’t know how to kiss. Did you not ever stop to fucking think what I might be feeling?” 

Silence. It’s so silent. So quiet. Baku is shocked. So is Juntae. Sieun. Suho. All of them stare at Gotak. 

Baku doesn’t know what to say to that. He remembers now. He was drunk. He just wanted to prove Yeongi wrong. He didn’t think it was a big deal. It’s not a big deal, right? Not bigger than missing the game? 

“I don’t. I am just. That kiss didn’t mean anything. I was just trying to prove Yeongi wrong. Gotak, we fuck around all the time. So why does a kiss matter? I thought I said something terrible to you last night. I am sorry if the kiss made you uncomfortable. It meant nothing. I was drunk and I get stupid-“

“I hate you.” Baku stops talking. Gotak is now staring at him with red eyes and lips wobbling like at any moment he is going to cry loudly. 

“Nothing? It meant nothing?” Gotak asks, crying completely now, and his cries echo in the gym so quietly painful. In the background, Sieun’s phone keeps buzzing. He tries to ignore it so he can pay attention or try to alleviate the situation between the two bestfriends, but his phone kept buzzing, so he steps back a bit to grab the call.

Baku doesn’t understand. Why is Gotak acting like this? Over a kiss? Why? 

“I don’t. I don’t understand. Gotak, make me understand. What did I do wrong? I know I missed the game. I know I fucked up but last night, I don’t understand. I feel-.” Gotak moves forward, cutting Baku off, not caring how he sounds, so miserable. He feels so much, and he just can’t hold it in anymore. He has to say it. 

“Baku, why can’t you understand? Why is it so hard for you to understand? You can’t just kiss me like that. You did it out of nowhere as if I don’t have any feelings for-.” Gotak immediately shuts his mouth the moment he realizes what he is saying. He is not thinking before speaking. His feelings are speaking before thinking.

“What?” Baku is taken aback hearing what Gotak is saying. It doesn’t make sense even more. What is he trying to say to him? 

“Gotak, what? What are you saying? Are you not mad at me for missing the game? I just. Make me understand. I am dumb. I don’t know. Okay. You know that.” Baku beggingly slides forward, grabbing Gotak’s hands again. 

Gotak shakes his head, unable to control his soft, muffled cries. He can’t do this. He can’t believe what he is feeling. For his best friend. For Baku. 

Baku protected him from everything. How can he protect him from himself? From his own feelings? What will Baku say? Think? Feel? Gotak cries out even more, and Baku pulls him closer. 

“Gotak.” Gotak bites his bottom lip to stop another cry. He fucked up too. 

“I. I. Baku. I don’t know how it happened. I just. Baku, I like-.”

“Baku.” Gotak stops talking when someone calls for Baku, and it’s Sieun who looks like he saw a ghost. Everyone stares at Sieun. 

“Baekjin’s dead.”