Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The OVERTURE plays, comes to a crescendo, and then is cut short as-

ZOMBIEMAN: AAAAUUUUGH!

The lights click on with a harsh, decisive snap over Metal Knight BOFOI and Mad Genius GENUS as they patter about in their LABORATORY (downstage right and right proscenium arch) with their respective toys- BOFOI with his MAD CYBORG charging in the wall as he performs maintenance, and GENUS with poor ZOMBIEMAN strapped to a table.

ZOMBIEMAN: Let me go! Let me go, you twisted psychopath!

GENUS produces a syringe.

GENUS: Be calm, Subject 66. You’ll thank me when this is over.

ZOMBIEMAN: I’ll kill you when this is over!

GENUS: Oh?

We will see how you feel once you’ve reached your full potential, hm?

ZOMBIEMAN: No! No! Stop! NO! You’re a madman!

GENUS: Only according to society!

Oh, society!

GENUS fills ZOMBIEMAN with the contents of the syringe despite his loud protests, and lets loose with the kind of laughter only a mad scientist can muster.

SONG: PERFECT WORLD

GENUS

Society!
How very boring it is!
How satisfied to put us in tiny,
Ignorant boxes!
Humanity blinds itself to the truth.
Instead of making this world perfect,
They let the imperfect world mold them!
So self-satisfied.
So happy to live inside themselves.
So eager to say their way is right.

As Genus sings, the lights slowly raise over the rest of the stage to reveal:

CITY ZETO, clean and convenient and picturesque, occupying the remaining stage. A permanent structure that doubles as SAITAMA’S APARTMENT spans the proscenium arch and part of downstage left, and, currently, sports a closed-off external facade.

In addition to the unnamed CIVILIANS going about their day, Our remaining human characters, sans GENOS, SAITAMA, and KUSENO, enter and wander CITY ZETO as the stage is set.

Oh, this world of imperfect people
Fills my heart with pure disgust.
A race too stupid, base, and foolish
To see my vision.
Evolve, we must!
My brilliance is met with hatred,
New thought with cruelty.
Genius, strife!
But soon, they’ll see things my way.
I will set this whole world right!

Meanwhile, in CITY ZETO: A civilian MUMEN RIDER enters on his bike and stops to help an old woman cross the street, fetch a child’s balloon, return a woman’s hat, etcetera. KING shrinks into himself as he plays a game at a cafe whilst SONIC wanders through, accidentally flashing his trademark smile in return for real smiles from strangers, covering it up in shame at the negative feedback it garners, and then disappearing into the shadows. HAMMERHEAD pouts as he wanders around and shares a passing glare with BADD METAL BAT as he strolls through the streets hand-in-hand with his little sister ZENKO. The face of AMAI MASK watches over the city from a billboard.

I’ll erase their gleeful, narrow hypocrisy,
And wash away all mediocrity!

The cast in CITY ZETO continues to mill throughout the cityscape concurrently with the LABORATORY scene taking place beneath brighter lights.

GENUS: Humans!

GENUS hacks off one of ZOMBIEMAN’S limbs to emphasize every word. He is rewarded with his experiment’s screams and ridiculous cascades of fake blood.

They’re unbelievable! Underwhelming! Underdeveloped! Unevolved!

BOFOI: Unimportant.

GENUS: Exactly!

GENUS uses the dismembered arm clutched in his hand to gesture about with passion, considers the fact that is isn’t his own, and then proceeds to use it to gesture throughout the scene.

BOFOI: No, I meant that your running commentary is unimportant. Stop shouting. Some of us actually have work to do.

GENUS: W-work?! How dare you! What would you call this, then, Bofoi? What would you call this marvel in front of me?

ZOMBIEMAN: STOP POINTING AT ME WITH MY OWN ARMS!

GENUS smacks ZOMBIEMAN with one of his hands to quiet him.

GENUS: Stop hitting yourself.

BOFOI: I don’t know how to classify your insanity, Genus, but put that thing out of its misery before I come over there and do it myself.

It’s disgusting. That’s what it is.

GENUS: D-disgusting?!

BOFOI: Did I stutter?

GENUS: Even you, Bofoi, for all your mechanically-minded, analytical brilliance…

Bah!

GENUS cuts off ZOMBIEMAN’s head with finality as another spot of light cuts into the lower illumination of CITY ZETO- TANK TOP TIGER and BLACK HOLE mock a young CHARANKO in pantomime.

Not even you understand my vision- a fellow scientist you may be, but you are just like the rest of this cursed society.

In CITY ZETO, disillusioned passerby GAROU comes to CHARANKO’s defense.

I’m disgusting? Me, the most brilliant biological mind of the century, disgusting? You, with your robots- you’ve never received the scorn that I have! No, you’ve only ever been praised.

CITY ZETO’s conflict comes to a head as the TANK TOPS pull at GAROU’s hair and prod at his forehead.

Your closed-mindedness is what’s truly disgusting!

However, it is BANG who diffuses the confrontational situation in CITY ZETO by coming between both his prize disciple and the TANK TOPS by impressively and economically asserting his stalwart might.

BANG scolds them all.

BOFOI: You are using your gifts to chop off the limbs of someone weaker than you like a child pulling the legs off insects in the mud, and have the gall to think it revolutionary.

GENUS: You dare compare me to a bully?!

BANG begins to leave, a starry-eyed CHARANKO tagging along at his heels.

BANG then sends a meaningful look to GAROU.

BOFOI: A spade is a spade, Genus.

At the behest of his master, GAROU too skulks off.

GENUS: Cretin!

Then, abruptly, GAROU turns and shoots the TANK TOPS a confrontational glare as they spit at him and mock him from behind his back.

I am going to bring humanity- and all the creatures of this world- to the next level! Evolution- an artificial revolution of evolution! I am rebuilding this world in the image of what I want it to be! That’s what this is about, Bofoi! Changing the world by whatever means necessary! Bringing my ideal to life!

BANG stays GAROU’s hand and again encourages him to leave the situation be.

BOFOI: No, it isn’t. It’s about a child taking his anger out on others because he never fit in.

GENUS: Bah!

You grandstanding hypocrite. You understand nothing. Nothing!

Exit GAROU, with troubled BANG and CHARANKO not far behind.

BOFOI: Genus, don’t play a fool. That corpse in front of you is nothing more than--

ZOMBIEMAN suddenly screams violently as the music comes back and raises to a crescendo. His limbs sprout forth from his trunk as he comes back to life.

GENUS: A corpse, you say?

GENUS leans over onto his operating table, propping his head in one of the palms of ZOMBIEMAN’s dismembered hands and gesturing to ZOMBIEMAN with the other.

ZOMBIEMAN: One day… I swear… vengeance…

GENUS: As I understand it, corpses do not talk. Or, are you saying that you can hear the dead speaking to you, Bofoi? My.

ZOMBIEMAN’s dismembered hands then cover the sides of GENUS’s face in mock horror.

Perhaps you are the more insane of the two of us, after all. Your fixation with your metal toys has driven you off the deep end.

A new spotlight brightens over the cafe in CITY ZETO. TATSUMAKI passively presents a gift to her sister FUBUKI over their coffee. It’s a necklace, which FUBUKI immediately puts on.

But things are only things. Tokens without substance, without understanding.

BOFOI: That boy is a fluke. A disgusting fluke. He’s nothing. My machines are greater, more exact.

GENUS: Ha! You’ve spent so much time tinkering around, left solely to your own devices, that you cannot bear to know that anyone might reach success in a different way than you.

In CITY ZETO, the BLIZZARD GROUP- specifically EYELASHES- approaches his boss FUBUKI and congenially monopolizes her attention.

Without your input, even!

TATSUMAKI throws her drink onto EYELASHES, grabs her sister by the wrist, and storms away with her- or tries to. Fubuki wrenches her hand free.

BOFOI: You’re delusional. Mysterious beings have appeared with more and more frequency lately- monsters, and people with odd abilities, and the like.

TATSUMAKI begins to glow. The table, chairs, and all of their contents begin to float- including KING’s gaming system, much to his bewilderment and disappointment.

Such powers are mysterious, but they are nothing new. You cannot take credit for them. Your efforts mean nothing in the face of nature.

Nothing at all.

FUBUKI relents, and exits with her sister while the set rights itself.

GENUS: Do you really think there were people magically born like that, without outside influence? Oho.

Did you hear that, Subject 66? You were special before I even found you!

ZOMBIEMAN: AUGH! No! No, I was never… Never--! What did you do?! What did you do to me?! Y-you! You sick, twisted bastard! I hate you!

GENUS: Well, Bofoi?

BOFOI

This concern with perfect people,
A perfect world that you can shape.
It’s all just pointless squabble.
All your brilliance,
Eclipsed by hate.
Machines are free from motives.
They’re objective.
No wrong or right.
You can play pretend. Irregardless,
My masterpiece has life!

BOFOI throws a switch on his handheld controller, and the MAD CYBORG begins to move.

BOFOI: Think whatever you like. I only kept you here because I needed your expertise in neurological research and grafting flesh to metal. But now, your annoyingly incessant presence outweighs your usefulness to me.

GENUS: Huh?

BOFOI: I want you gone by the time my field test is over.

GENUS: Wh-what?!

BOFOI fiddles with his controller. The MAD CYBORG aims a blaster in his hand at GENUS.

BOFOI: Or perhaps it would be more effective to get rid of you right now.

The MAD CYBORG’s weapon charges and glows, and then at the last moment, changes trajectory and blasts the side of the table where ZOMBIEMAN lays tethered, freeing him. GENUS cries out and falls to the ground in shock at the explosion.

BOFOI: Hm. That should have hit you, not your creature. After all this time, I still haven’t perfected him…. No matter. Another responsiveness kink I still need to iron out, no more and no less.

(to GENUS) I want you and your filthy creations gone from my lab. Otherwise, the next time I see you, my cyborg won’t miss.

Exit BOFOI and his MAD CYBORG.

GENUS: Bofoi wants my subjects gone from his lab? Well!

I’m more than happy to oblige!

GENUS slams his fist on a button in the wall. Lights go off, and great yellow-and-blue tentacles both strange and terrifying rush out from behind the proscenium arch and into CITY ZETO as GENUS watches.

ZOMBIEMAN takes this time to slowly begin his escape.

GENUS’s next monologue is a distinct mix of spoken word and song depending on the taste of his performer- all put to music.

GENUS

Animals.
They’re animals!
Monsters, every one of them!
All of humanity- nothing but beasts!

Nothing! Nothing! They’ll never change!

ZOMBIEMAN exits stage right.

In CITY ZETO, more tentacles creep in from store windows, from above, from offstage….

The people panic and scream as chaos reigns. One tentacle- the one emerging from the manhole cover in the center of the stage in particular- wraps around a frightened KING. His heartbeat thrums with the music.

They can die, for all I care!
I curse this world!
I’ll never accept it!
Never!

It’ll never change, not without me-
Not at all!
This humanity will never survive!
Not one of them!
When they finally, finally go extinct,
The scum they are turns to dust for good,
My vision will seize the day and bring about a new age!
Fools!
Fools!
All of them, fools!
None of them shall snub me ever again!
Look at them run,
Listen to them scream!
None of them are worth anything!
They are but nothing before my superior--

--Uh?

Enter SAITAMA into CITY ZETO. He considers the chaos and fear around him, and then nonchalantly walks to the tentacle protruding from the manhole cover in the center of the street and prods it like one would tap another person on the shoulder. It releases KING in shock and “turns around” as if to face SAITAMA.

SAITAMA: Hey. That isn’t very nice to scare people like that. You’re gonna give that guy a heart attack.

SAITAMA grabs the tentacle with one arm, and gives it a tug. The tentacles elsewhere freeze up, and then suddenly are whisked away from the stage as SAITAMA pulls the creature from the manhole cover like a magician pulls an endless scarf from his sleeve, spins it around himself, and then flings it offstage.

GENUS: Uh.

A beat.

KING: Wh-who’re y-you?

SAITAMA: Huh? Oh, you know. I’m just a guy who’s a hero for fun. You okay?

KING: Uh… Y-yeah…

SAITAMA: Oh, that's good. Well, anyway, see ya!

Exit SAITAMA.

CIVILIANS emerge in the aftermath.

CIVILIAN 1: What happened to the monster?

KING: Uh…

CIVILIAN 2: Did you stand up to it all by yourself?

KING: UUUUHHHHH……

CIVILIAN 3: You’re amazing! A real hero!

KING: B-but…

CIVILIAN 4: We’re saved! Everyone, the city is safe again!

The CIVILIANS cheer, and lead KING off in a triumphant exit as his heart again throbs in the extreme.

GENUS: Forget EVERYTHING I have just said.

I’ve got to have that bald man as a specimen!

Exit GENUS as the lights fade.

End scene.

Chapter Text

SAITAMA

So what if I’m bald?! So what’s YOUR problem with it, huh?!

Chimes sound, followed by two beats of a drum, like a heartbeat.

GENOS

You mean you’ll listen to my problems?

SAITAMA

Uh.

Drum intro.

SAITAMA

It was a rhetorical question--

Piano intro for the Obligatory Tragic Backstory Reprise plays. The lights fade to a spotlight on GENOS, who breaks the fourth wall completely.

SAITAMA

(ad-libbing as needed) No! No, no, nononononononono NO! Stop the music!

GENOS

On that most tragic day,

SAITAMA

Oh no.

GENOS

That most tragic day four years ago,
A monster came and ripped my life apart.

SAITAMA

Please no.

GENOS

A monster made of metal, with cruel glowing eyes and a taste for ruin-
That thing came and reigned destruction upon my home!

SAITAMA

Here we go.

From this point onwards, SAITAMA’s lines are spoken over the music, and he ad-libs whenever he can get a word in edgewise.

GENOS

My birthplace was wasted, my hometown blown to smithereens.
My entire family, gone,
and I was left all alone. 

In anguish I cried to the sky with hate,
cursing gods and science and fate,
Praying for vengeance. Vengeance!
This need swallowed me whole.

SAITAMA

Okay, I get it. That’s real sad, man. I’m very sorry for your loss and I wish you the--

GENOS

My prayers were answered by a man passing through,
Kuseno appeared as a miracle, for true.
I owe him my strength, my purpose, my life
Just as I also owe my life to you.

SAITAMA

Look, you don’t gotta-

GENOS

He did as I asked in return for a promise-
That I would see my mission through.
And stop that metal abomination
From running rampant throughout the nation.
And so, my purpose is the annihilation
Of that maddened machine,
And of evil everywhere.

For four years, I have hunted without rest,
But I need more strength than I possess.
My mission cannot be completed until I do!
I still seek the power to complete my quest.

SAITAMA

Mmkay, cool. So, if that’s all you had to say, I’d appreciate it if you’d-

GENOS

And when I saw you the other day
I knew that I had to ask you, if I may,
How to gain such strength unchallenged.
I need the secret to your power, sensei!

SAITAMA

Alright! Alright. So.

GENOS

Because after that most tragic day,
That most tragic day four years ago,
When a monster came and ripped my life apart-
That monster made of metal,
with cruel, glowing eyes and a taste for ruin-
That thing that reigned destruction upon my home,

SAITAMA

You already told me that part!

GENOS

I replaced my heart with iron,
And my blood was turned to flame,
Then, too, my tears became as fuel to burn.
My anguish reigns eternal in the shell of who I was.

SAITAMA

Alright, alright already!

GENOS

But I grew careless during my four year fight,
Only to be humbled in the awe of your might.
My promise and my vengeance, nearly lost-
All eclipsed, like the sun swallowed by night.

SAITAMA

So, what you’re saying is-

GENOS

For if I am to complete my my mission,
Fulfill my promise,
Exact my need,
My next step is clear,
Though it was muddled before.

Because after that most tragic day,
That most tragic day four years ago,
When a monster came and ripped my life apart-
That monster made of metal,
with cruel, glowing eyes and a taste for ruin-
That thing that reigned destruction upon my home--

The drums sound in tandem with SAITAMA's exclamation and the lights come up, and the music momentarily stops for his line.

SAITAMA

ENOUGH! CUT TO THE CHASE! Twenty words or less, man!

Music and spotlight resume as GENOS’s head snaps to Saitama.

GENOS

I ask you, if I may,
How to gain such strength unchallenged.
Teach me the secret to your power, sensei!

GENOS bows to SAITAMA as the song ends.

A beat.

SAITAMA

...Yeah. No. I’m not gonna be your sensei.

Another beat.The music abruptly begins again at GENOS’s discretion.

GENOS

...And so you see, sensei,
What I wish to be, sensei,

SAITAMA

(Ad libbing as needed over Genos) What did I just say?!

GENOS

That is, such strength as yours is key, sensei,
Kuseno depends on me, sensei,
So it is, sensei,
As does my family, sensei,
And so I hope to-

SAITAMA punches the side of the stage. The lights “short”, and then “break” entirely. Then, the house lights fade back on.

SAITAMA

Wow! Would you look at that! It’s time for an intermission!

GENOS

Ah, wait! Sensei!

Exit SAITAMA, GENOS following close behind. 

Chapter Text

SAITAMA and GENOS are in SAITAMA’s apartment. SAITAMA stands in the kitchen, clad in an apron, and prepares dinner- tamago- with the eggs he no doubt acquired from the time sale. GENOS stands behind him.

GENOS: Sensei!

The sudden noise of GENOS’s outburst prompts SAITAMA to flip the tamago out of the pan in surprise before catching it again in a panic.

SAITAMA: Ah! That could have been bad.

GENOS: As your disciple, please allow me to perform this task on your behalf.

SAITAMA: I'm not your teacher! And I can fry eggs by myself. Thanks, though.

A beat of silence.

GENOS: Sensei!

SAITAMA flips the egg from the pan once more, and catches it.

SAITAMA: Ahh! Geez!

GENOS: It is only proper for a disciple to carry out your will and your errands in your place! Please allow me the task of preparing your dinner.

SAITAMA: I’m not your teacher, for the last time! And are you always this serious about everything?.

GENOS: Of course! In an effort to complete my mission of destroying the mad cyborg, it is imperative that I never let my focus waver for a moment, neither physically nor mentally. It is for this very reason that, despite the good Doctor Kuseno’s gift of a humanoid appearance and face in an effort to allow me to communicate using the social cues of the more complete members of--

SAITAMA: Twenty words, Genos!

GENOS pauses, and then begins obediently counting out his words on his fingers before he begins speaking.

GENOS: Training for vengeance is a serious undertaking. I cannot afford to allow myself to slacken in my pursuit of strength!

SAITAMA: Uh, right.

GENOS: Is this unsatisfactory?

SAITAMA: I mean, it’s your life, and your choice if you wanna walk around all the time like that with such a sullen face.

GENOS: My face? Is my face unsuitable to you in some way? The faceplate is artificial and can easily be changed--

SAITAMA: Woah, no. That’s not what I mean at all, dude. Calm down. Relax.

GENOS: Sensei?

SAITAMA: And stop calling me that!

SONG: SMILE

SAITAMA

I don’t have room to talk when it comes to being antisocial.
And I don’t have room to judge when it comes to being a little peculiar, but
I do know it’s gotta hurt to hold that expression for so long! So,

Smile. Smile, smile.
Smile, if you can.

GENOS: I fail to see how my expression can either hurt or help my mission, Sensei, but if it is your directive, It must be some secret technique!

SAITAMA: Nope. I told you- it was just the workout routine. This has nothin’ to do with it.

GENOS plasters a cheesy, fake, slightly frightening smile onto his face. SAITAMA is still tending to the egg in the pan, oblivious to GENOS’s antics.

GENOS: Now, what do I do next?

SAITAMA: Uh, how about you, uh, go clean off the table. Or go doodle in your notebooks, or something!

GENOS: YES, SENSEI!

SAITAMA: Wah-!

The tamago flies out of the pan yet again, and this time SAITAMA turns to face GENOS as he catches it.

SAITAMA: Whew!

SAITAMA sees GENOS standing by his shoulder, frightening grimace still planted firmly on his face.

SAITAMA: WHAAAA-!

SAITAMA flips the tamago out of the pan with such force that it flies up to the ceiling, all the way to the obscured catwalk a la the infamous “pickle scene” from The Odd Couple. GENOS and SAITAMA both watch it go.

A beat. Two beats. Three.

They look at one another.

They look back at the ceiling.

It’s not coming back down anytime soon. SAITAMA promptly hands GENOS the pan, and then his apron.

SAITAMA: Forget what I said. You get to make dinner, after all!

GENOS: YES, SENSEI!

SAITAMA: Gah! Not so loud! And, like, don’t hold your face like that. It’ll freeze, or something.

GENOS: I do not understand. Sensei instructed that I smile.

SAITAMA: Yeah, but not like that.

GENOS: This is what people do when they smile.

SAITAMA: Huh. Heh. You’ve got a point, I suppose.

SAITAMA

Society’s the kinda place that makes you have to wear two faces.
One for public, one private,
‘Til you can’t tell which one’s bullshit anymore!
But whichever one you’ve got on right now,
I hope that you learn to use it to

Smile. Smile, smile.
Smile, if you can.

Meanwhile, GENOS prepares dinner with the ingredients on the counter next to him.

GENOS: Your methods are so peculiar.

SAITAMA: Huh? I’m asking you to use a pan to cook an egg. What’s so weird about that?

GENOS: Oh, I was not referring to that. Although, Sensei has no spatula. Would you perhaps like me to buy you one?

SAITAMA: Is what I’ve got not good enough for ya?

GENOS: Of course that is not the case! I merely, ah, that is…

SAITAMA: Relax! I’m teasing you. I ruined the last one. Snapped it in two by accident. I’ve gotta go pick a new one up when they next go on sale.

GENOS: If Sensei insists. In the meantime, we can use mine.

SAITAMA: Your spatula?

GENOS: Yes.

GENOS holds out a hand and a spatula pops out of his wrist.

SAITAMA: Did you just-?

GENOS: I am equipped for most necessities of everyday living.

SAITAMA: No shit! Ha.

Next, you’re gonna tell me that you’ve got, like, a potato peeler stuck in there somewhere.

GENOS proves that, indeed, he does.

SAITAMA: Uh.

GENOS: Additionally, my incinerators can function as the drying setting of a dishwasher or laundry dryer and a place in my shoulder doubles as a bottle opener. In my other arm is an electric beater and a corkscrew. With the right adjustments, I can also use my hand torches to make the caramelized sugar for creme brulee--

SAITAMA: Woah. Woah, stop. Stop. This is a little surreal, even for me.

A beat.

Say, why would your doctor guy or whatever build you with all of that stuff, anyway?

GENOS: Forgive me. I thought I already said. It was to prepare me for the necessities of--

SAITAMA: I thought you said your life’s purpose was to destroy some something or another.

GENOS: Indeed. That is the sole reason I am still alive at this moment. Everything about me exists to aid me in my mission.

SAITAMA: You mean, your life’s goal of revenge and destruction requires the tools to be the perfect husband?

GENOS pauses.

I mean, it’s just that you look a little less like the Terminator and a little more like, uh, hm. I dunno like what, but the Terminator’s not it. You look more like you’re set to raise a family, I guess.

GENOS takes his time responding.

GENOS: A family?

SAITAMA: Yeah. Maybe after your whole revenge deal is over. Maybe that’s what it’s for. A future. If you wanted it, I guess.

SAITAMA gauges GENOS carefully out of the corner of his eye.

But whatever, you know?

SAITAMA

I can’t say what you should do with your life-
Hey, I ain’t your teacher!
And I can’t say how you should write your story, but, like, see it through,

I guess? If you want. It’s up to you.

But lookin’ at mine, I can tell you the one thing I forgot how to do- that’s

Smile. Smile, smile.
Smile like you mean to.

GENOS: A family.

SAITAMA: Oi, Genos.

GENOS: Hm?

SAITAMA: Woah! Look out! The tamago!

GENOS: Ah!

GENOS looks up, but nothing comes down. SAITAMA approaches him and tweaks his nose as GENOS looks back down.

SAITAMA: Made ya look.

Another beat of silence, and then two drum beats.

You can stay here, if you want.

GENOS: I-? Really? Th-thank you Saitama-sensei!

GENOS bows.

You are surely a wonderful and generous--

SAITAMA: Stop. That’s weird. Also, the food’s burning.

GENOS: Oh!

The lights fade to half over everything but SAITAMA as he meanders into the living room.

SAITAMA

If there’s one thing I can teach you
that you might find useful, it’s to

Smile. Smile, smile.

Smile. Smile, smile.

Smile like you mean to.

I hope you’ll
Smile like you mean to.

The lights fade as SAITAMA and GENOS prepare the table and sit down to eat dinner.

Chapter Text

The spotlight remains on Genos in the apartment as he quietly cleans and surfs the Internet, but the rest of the stage is dimly illuminated to reveal the ruins of City Zeto in the wake of the meteor disaster. CIVILIANS mull about the rubble, and TANK TOPS TIGER AND BLACK HOLE stand above the area, watching SAITAMA meander about.

SAITAMA: Hm. Wow. There goes the neighborhood, I guess.

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: So that’s him, right?

TANK TOP TIGER: Yes, brother! That’s the one! The one who humiliated me with that ninja nonsense! That Saitama, that…. That… Caped Baldy!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: I did some research on his real name. Didn’t find much. Turns out he’s so reclusive and forgettable that nobody ever bothered to put anything much about him on file.

TANK TOP TIGER: Oh, I’ll make him memorable, all right! That stupid bald head… AUGH! I could just…. just crack it! Like an egg! And pour the yolk in my morning protein shake!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: I’m not so sure you’d get anything outta Caped Baldy’s noggin to help you bulk up, there, brother. It’s not just his identity that’s lost- look at that expression! He’s a couple fries short of a Happy Meal, if you ask me.

TANK TOP TIGER: Happy Meals have nothing to do with kicking his ass, brother! He disrespected the Tank Top!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: And nobody disrespects the Tank Top!

Both TANK TOP TIGER and TANK TOP BLACK HOLE begin to beat their chests, flex, and otherwise show off with gusto and ridiculousness in equal measure, to the point of bench pressing anything around them, including the stage hands and one another.

TANK TOP TIGER: The height of fashion!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: The epitome of strength!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: TANK!

TANK TOP TIGER: TOP!

TANK TOPS: HYOOOOOOOOOH!

SAITAMA: What the heck is wrong with those guys?

TANK TOP TIGER: The same thing that’s about to be wrong with your face, egghead!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: Wait! Wait, brother. We don’t need to resort to violence. I’ve got a better idea.

TANK TOP TIGER: Hunh?

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: A guy like that? He’s fragile inside. He’s part of the Lost Generation, after all. I think it’s time we help him earn the title.

SONG: YOU ARE NOT A HERO (GIVE IT UP)

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE

So you came out here to gloat?
Let me tell ya,
That really gets my goat!
These people here ain’t ‘bout to dote
On someone ugly and bald like you!

CITIZEN 1: What? What’s that ruckus about?

CITIZEN 2: I don’t know!

CITIZEN 3: Is it another monster?

CITIZEN 4: Hey, aren’t those two guys in tank tops Heroes?

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE

So you’re thinkin’ you saved the day?
Oh, buddy boy,
There is no frickin’ way!
If anything, you oughta pay
For the damage and despair you’ve brought!

‘Cause you are not a hero.
You’re a joke.
You desecrate
The hopes the people cling to
So they don’t feel so afraid.
And you think you’re such a good guy
For knocking something from the sky?

Get lost, Hikikomori,
Give it up!

SAITAMA: Huh? I’m not a Hikikomori, not really. I mean--

CIVILIAN 4: Hey, they’re talking about Caped Baldy! The hero who responded to the meteor!

CIVILIAN 3: Hey, yeah! That guy is Caped Baldy! He’s the one who screwed everything up!

TANK TOP TIGER: Oh, I get it!

TANK TOP TIGER

So what’s a little destruction
To ya, anyway?
Such a selfish presumption!
I can’t believe you have the gumption
To say this mess wasn’t by your hand!

So you stopped a big rock
Oh, hip-hip-hooray!
Gave it a nice, hard thwock.
And you couldn't be bothered to balk
At the collateral damage you caused!

CIVILIAN 5: The other heroes are right!

CIVILIAN 1: It’s all his fault!

CIVILIAN 2: Hey, piece of shit! Are you a hero, or a banana?

At this point, the TANK TOPS and the crowd of CIVILIANS all begin to loosely form a wide circle around where SAITAMA stands at center stage. They slowly close in on him.

TANK TOP TIGER AND BLACK HOLE

‘Cause you are not a hero.
You’re a joke.
You desecrate
The hopes that we all cling to
So we don’t feel so afraid.
And you think you’re such a good guy
For knocking something from the sky?

Get lost, Hikikomori!
Give it up!

Crawl back to where you came from,
‘Cause that’s where you should stay.
Society was doing fine without you, anyway!

CIVILIAN 3: Yeah, get lost, asshole!

CIVILIAN 6: Get lost!

The entire crowd of CIVILIANS ad libs insults and lines in a disorganized mess and the circle grows tighter.

TANK TOP TIGER

Now, why dont’cha say, hot shot,
What you plan to do?
Have you even really thought
About the sick, horrific lot
Your actions put these people through?

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE

Oh, now! What’s that, you say?

SAITAMA: Huh? But I didn’t-!

You say you’ll make me pay?
Well, I can’t let you have your way
And injure all these innocent folks!

CIVILIAN 2: Oh, what, you think attacking us’ll make your screwup go away? That won’t work!

CIVILIAN 5: You ashamed, you bald prick?!

CIVILIAN 4: Just go hide away when something you don’t like happens, like always!

The CIVILIANS complete their tight formation around SAITAMA, and begin marching in a circle around him. The TANK TOPS both orbit SAITAMA as well, but more in his face.

TANK TOPS TIGER, BLACK HOLE, and CIVILIANS

‘Cause you are not a hero.
You’re a joke.
You desecrate
The hopes that we all cling to
So we don’t feel so afraid.
And you think you’re such a good guy
For knocking something from the sky?

Give it up, Hikikomori.
Give it up!

Crawl back to where you came from,  ‘Cause that’s where you should stay.
Society was doing fine without you, anyway!

No one talks about the Lost ones.
Shame is all they bring.
And if you say you have a problem,
That means nothing!
You’re the one who wouldn’t work
And you’re the one who couldn’t be
Good enough to fit into society.

Give it up, Hikikomori.
Don’t pretend you aren’t a NEET.
Give it up,
Give it up!
Give it up!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE faces off against SAITAMA, and the circle of CIVILIANS cease circling him abruptly as the lights go off in tandem with the music. Only Genos is illuminated downstage in the apartment.

GENOS: Ah. It is almost dinner time. Sensei will most likely want to eat out today, considering the cheer of his earlier mood.

How nice. Perhaps udon again. Or maybe the ramen stand I discovered coupons for on Sensei’s behalf. It does not matter where.

I would enjoy that.

A beat.

He should be back soon, surely.

Another beat.

Perhaps he will want tea first? I could make the kettle ready for such a thing.

After all, he will surely be home soon.

Surely.

It may be beneficial for me to check online for any monster sightings or unexpected complications. I feel confident Sensei can handle any sort of monster, but not all monsters can be beaten with fists.

Yet again, a beat.

No. It is hardly my business to interfere.

I should put on tea.

GENOS moves into the kitchen and calmly begins preparing tea. Then, suddenly, he abandons his task and runs to his computer and slides in front of it, frantic. After a few moments of browsing and clicking, the lights over the rest of the stage- and SAITAMA’s confrontation- fade in slowly, as does the CIVILIAN’s reprise of PERFECT WORLD. GENOS turns his head away from the computer and to the action on-stage once the song begins to morph back into YOU ARE NOT A HERO (GIVE IT UP).

The ensemble sings the melody from PERFECT WORLD to SAITAMA, still frozen, with the exception of GENOS, who sings it to himself and the audience.

ENSEMBLE, sans SAITAMA

In a world with perfect people,
A perfect place where sadness ends,
In a world with no more evil,
Where goodness reigns
And heroes win,
There would be no more need for hatred.
No more cruelty,
No more strife.
In a perfect world of justice,
We could all take back our lives!

At this point, the set of the ruined city is fully lit, and GENOS stands and begins to hurry towards it. The spotlight over the apartment fades, and he is left standing in the edge of the light of the rest of the scene. Meanwhile, the circle of CIVILIANS shrinks even more, until they engulf SAITAMA completely.

TANK TOPS BLACK HOLE AND TIGER, CIVILIANS

But you are not a hero.
You’re a joke.
You desecrate
The hopes that we all cling to
To make ourselves not so afraid.
So you think you’re such a good guy
For knocking something from the sky?

Give it up, you damn disgrace.
You’re a nothing, anyway.
Give it up, Caped Baldy.
Give it up, Saitama!
Give it up!
Give it up!

GENOS: Sensei!!

TANK TOP TIGER and TANK TOP BLACK HOLE are raised above the throng- by moveable platform or by standing on an existing piece of set, director’s choice- and pantomime strikes from above at SAITAMA. TANK TOP BLACK HOLE is, predictably, stopped and thrown to the ground, and TANK TOP TIGER’s tank top is ripped when SAITAMA grabs him by the collar.

Give it--!

The crowd breaks open in a ruckus as TANK TOP BLACK HOLE and TIGER hit the floor.

TANK TOP TIGER: My tank top! I’ve been scandalized!

TANK TOP BLACK HOLE: UUUUUWAAAAAUGHHHHH!!! (Ad lib as needed.)

SAITAMA: Shut up, all of you!

You think you know everything, huh? About me, about the situation. You think you know the best way to fix the world? You think you know what I am and what I’m not? Well!

You don’t know a damned thing.

SAITAMA rounds on the CIVILIANS and expands the opening around himself as they back away from him.

Your house got trashed? Your car blew up? Nevermind the fact that by some miracle with my name that you aren’t dead- but you know what? That isn’t my problem! Why don’tcha get mad at the meteor, huh? It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to me! I don’t care! I do this for me, not you, so don’t hold me to your weird standards, because they aren’t the same as mine. Not at all.

You don’t know anything about me.

CIVILIAN 6: You don’t care? It doesn’t matter? Oh, so, you just wanna walk all over your Heroes’ Association income sources, you bald asshole?

SAITAMA: B-bald?! Who’re YOU calling bald, you bald piece of--

CIVILIAN 6: I’m not the bald one, jerk!

SAITAMA: Why don’t you come outta that crowd and say that straight to my--!

GENOS: Sensei.

GENOS enters the light of the scene fully. All eyes move to him. The CIVILIANS ad lib hushed, awed lines about the “Demon Prince” Cyborg at will.

SAITAMA: Genos! This won’t take long. I just gotta-

GENOS: Let’s go home.

SAITAMA: Wh-huh?

GENOS: Please. Let’s just go home.

Please.

A beat. Saitama unceremoniously hands TANK TOP TIGER’s shredded tank top to him.

SAITAMA: Ah. Alright.

Exit TANK TOP TIGER, TANK TOP BLACK HOLE, and CIVILIANS.

SAITAMA and GENOS move towards the apartment. The lights fade around them, with SAITAMA constantly hesitating and looking back at in the direction of the scene of his confrontation, only to move on a few more steps before repeating the process.

SAITAMA: That guy. I’m gonna be seeing his face in my head for days.

And, you know? The worst part about it is, after all that, they couldn't even really put up a fight against me. They just kinda spouted a lot of crap with all this buildup, then charged, and then, like, crumpled into nothing.

Tank Top Paper Tiger and Tank Top Butt Hole. Stupid.

Just stupid!

They weren't even worth it.

This wasn't even worth it.

A beat.

GENOS: Saitama-sensei.

SAITAMA: Hmm?

GENOS: You are the most amazing person I have ever known.

Even if the world is against you, I will follow you always.

A beat. And then another. The drums beat twice, like a heartbeat.

SAITAMA: You don’t gotta butter me up like that, man.

Exit SAITAMA.

Begin piano intro to:

SONG: WHOLE HEART

Chapter Text

SONG: WHOLE HEART Part I (Unadulterated Hatred)

GENOS

I filled my veins with fire,
Let my tears fuel the pyre,
And left my chest as but a cavity of empty steel.

I sealed my own fate
And became what I hate.
I thought hate was all that was left of me, anyway.

With no heart in me,
I am only debris
From a place now forgotten by the world.

I fill the hole inside myself with hate
And the fire takes hold.
I use my hate
to make me all the stronger.

All that I am
And all that I feel
The only part of myself
That I know is real,
Is an anger that threatens to rip me apart.
Forever, I hate him with my whole--

GENOS places a hand over his chest.

--my whole…

Ah.

SONG: WHOLE HEART Part II
(In Awe of a Miracle/The Meteor)

I asked to be a weapon
And now, with only seconds
Left to live, do I doubt exactly what I am.

So what if I die?
My humanity is a lie.
So what is this ice chilling me to my core?

With no heart in me,
I thought such things debris
From a place now forgotten by the world.

I fill the hole inside myself with fear
Like chains, it takes hold.
I am choked with fear
I thought that I was stronger!

Tell me what I am!
And how I can feel
In some part of myself-
Is it even real?-
Such terror that threatens to rip me apart!
This fear that keeps piercing through my whole--

GENOS places a hand over his chest.

--my whole…

Ah.

SONG: WHOLE HEART Part III
(Undying Loyalty)

GENOS

This world is a quagmire,
Run by selfish desire.
It dawns on me that I, too, possess my own.

My mind is still reeling
From these things, these feelings
That I can barely place or recognize anymore.

With no heart in me,
How can it be
That I have found myself a life free from the past?

I fill that hole inside myself with this,
Something for him.
And he filled up my life,
and somehow, it makes me stronger.

But now all I am,
And all that I feel
Comes from some part of myself
Not made of steel.
These feelings aren’t trying to rip me apart.
I swear I do love him with my whole--

GENOS places a hand over his chest.

My whole…

...a hole.

Ah.

SONG: WHOLE HEART Part IV
(Goodbye/He Doesn’t Need Me Anymore)

Now, finally, they know.
Finally, the world will show
My teacher the love that he deserves.

Give him everything.
Assuage the sting
Of the loneliness he has always known.

Be better than me,
And let him see
How beautiful the world is when you belong.

Fill the hole I leave with this,
With love for him.
Fill up his life,
So that he will not ponder

Where I am,
Or if I feel.
Why pretend
I am not made of steel?
My promise has finally split us apart,
And still, I love him with my whole...

...There’s nothing there!
What does it matter?
Why should anyone care?
I was made for a lone journey.
So why would I even dare
Think anyone would come with me?
What man would want to share
The burden and hate of a grudge still walking?

All that I am
And all that I feel,
The only part of myself
That I know is real,
Is this feeling that I am falling apart.
Only fools choose to give up their heart!

Chapter Text

Lights fade on over BANG’S DOJO, which spans two-thirds of the stage. GENOS and FUBUKI sit seiza on either side of SAITAMA, who sits with his legs sprawled apart like a child, his socks prominently on display. The BLIZZARD GROUP sits at attention behind the trio. BANG stands before them all, and CHARANKO clumsily performs kata in the background.

BANG: My, but it’s so wonderful to see my dojo full of youth again!

SAITAMA: We’re not your students.

BANG: Oh, of course not, of course not! Did you think I was implying something? My, no. That would be rather conniving of me, wouldn’t it?

SAITAMA: Right, sure, whatever. Where’s the food?

FUBUKI swats at SAITAMA.

SAITAMA: Huh? What?

FUBUKI: Manners, freshman! He outranks both of us entirely! Don’t you have any shame?

BLIZZARD GROUP: (breaking seiza to gesticulate and scold SAITAMA) Yeah, shame on you!

GENOS glares at FUBUKI.

GENOS: Blizzard of Hell.

FUBUKI replaces her hands into her lap.

FUBUKI: Ahem. Demon Cyborg.

The BLIZZARD GROUP grumbles. GENOS then glares at them, accompanied by the sound effect for his targeting system and charging incinerators. They also return their hands to their laps. Satisfied, GENOS looks away. SAITAMA is appropriately smug.

BANG: Oho. How vivacious you are!

FUBUKI: Ah! Please forgive us. You were saying, Silver Fang?

BANG: Oh, nothing, nothing! I was merely expressing how nice it was to have company here on the top of this big, tall, lonely mountain. How wonderful it is to see your fresh, shining faces looking back up at me from within my dojo, so full of enthusiasm, so full of life. It does this old man’s heart good, you know. Gives my old, lonely bones something to look forward to.

SAITAMA: Man, but this old guy can really milk it.

FUBUKI: You-!

GENOS glares.

GENOS: Astute as always, Sensei. However, it does seem quite empty. I see only one student practicing kata.

BANG: Oh! So you’ve noticed my school’s distinct discipline? Could it be that my particular style of martial arts has caught your eye?

GENOS: I am only interested in absolute destructive power, not self-defense or artful moves.

BANG: What’s this? And you want to know about my Water Stream Rock Smashing Fist?

FUBUKI: Ah, well, that is, as an ESPer, I-

BANG: And you want to learn more about my dojo?

SAITAMA: No.

BANG: And you would like for me to demonstrate for you?

GENOS: No.

BANG: And you want me to do so right this instant?

SAITAMA AND GENOS: No!

BANG: Well, alright, alright! But only because you were so insistent!

SAITAMA: Augh! Tch!

FUBUKI makes a move to scold SAITAMA, but GENOS makes her think better of it with another glare. Meanwhile, BANG sallies forth with his demonstration.

BANG: Charanko!

CHARANKO clumsily falls on his face, and then stands at attention.

CHARANKO: Yes, master!

BANG: Bring me the tiles!

CHARANKO: Yes!

CHARANKO wheels out an extraordinary amount of tiles on a dolly- organized into two stacks- and bows to BANG before scurrying off to the side.

Now you’ll see how amazing master Bang really is!

Drum roll. BANG splits one stack of tiles with barely a tap, and bows to the resulting mess. SAITAMA stands and meanders over to the remaining stack of tiles during BANG’s ensuing preaching, much to FUBUKI’s chagrin.

BANG: It looks impressive, but I promise you that such a technique is not impossible. You, too, can learn to perform such feats, in time. All it takes is diligent training, a clear mind, an iron will, and a-

SAITAMA gingerly pokes the tiles, and they shatter into dust and smoke. The lights flicker on and off, the drums roll to emulate the sound of an earthquake, and FUBUKI, CHARANKO, BANG, and the BLIZZARD GROUP are scattered about the room as if tremors seized the stage. GENOS is more or less unaffected.

GENOS: (clapping fervently) Wonderful, sensei! A most impressive display!

SAITAMA: Oh. Ah. Thanks.

GENOS: (to CHARANKO) Now you have seen how amazing Saitama-sensei is.

CHARANKO: Oh yeah, pretty boy?!

GENOS: Yes.

CHARANKO: Oh yeah?!

GENOS: Yes.

CHARANKO: OH YEAH?!

GENOS: Yes.

CHARANKO: OH YEEEEAAAAAAH?!

At this point, CHARANKO is leaning down into GENOS’s face. A beat of silence.

Two beats.

Three beats.

GENOS: Yes.

CHARANKO fumes with a slow, audible inhalation, and then adopts a fighting stance as he lets loose a cry.

CHARANKO: Listen here, you dishonorable dishwasher! I, Charanko, Master Bang’s finest student,

BANG facepalms.

will not let you show such wanton disrespect! I challenge you to a--

GENOS, still seated, silences CHARANKO with a hand around the throat.

CHARANKO: I give!

GENOS drops him. CHARANKO falls to the ground, panting, and then scuttles away from GENOS on all fours.

FUBUKI: Silver Fang’s…

SAITAMA: ...finest student, huh?

BANG: Well, Charanko is also my, ah, my only student, at the moment.

FUBUKI: But how can that be? You are the greatest martial artist alive, the world famous S-class hero Silver Fang! I do not understand.

CHARANKO: Exactly! See, she gets it!

BANG: (To CHARANKO) Calm yourself, child. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough for today.

CHARANKO: Forgive me, master.

BANG: He tries so hard, bless him. But not all students can be quite as stellar as Genos, I suppose.

Although, once, I had one even better, back when this dojo was full.

My ex-student, Garou.

GENOS: Garou?!

FUBUKI: Garou?!

THE BLIZZARD GROUP: Garou?!

SAITAMA: Garou?! (A pause.) Ah, wait, who the hell is Garou, again?

GENOS: Garou is the name of the Hero hunter that Blizzard of Hell was so concerned about upon our introduction.

BANG: Yes. I regret to say that my Garou and that troublemaker are one and the same.

FUBUKI: But Silver Fang, why would he be doing this? Why turn against the Heroes- against you?

BANG: I do not know. But I do feel responsible for it, whatever his reasons may be. And therefore, I alone should be the one to deal with him, as his teacher.

As his teacher who failed him, somehow.

CHARANKO: Master!

BANG: Be calm, Charanko. That is simply how it is.

FUBUKI: Silver Fang, I do not doubt your strength, but Garou is no longer human, in any sense of the word. He’s a monster! You cannot hope to beat him by yourself!

SAITAMA: How strong can he be?

GENOS: He has managed to put three S-class heroes in the hospital all at one time, Sensei. They say that he himself was almost completely unscathed.

Garou has become something of a common topic at the Hero Association meetings, lately.

SAITAMA: Huh.

FUBUKI: They say he is so monstrous that the hair on his head is not actually hair- he lost it along with his humanity.

SAITAMA’s demeanor changes entirely.

When he lets his true, evil form show through, it becomes as horns instead!

SAITAMA: A man so strong he lost his hair. You don’t say. This might not have been such a waste of time after all! Old man, where d’you think your ex-student could be hiding?

Musical intro for REAL WORLD MONSTERS begins. Lights slowly fade.

BANG: Saitama, if you are thinking of challenging Garou, there is something you should do well to keep in mind.

Musical intro for REAL WORLD MONSTERS abruptly ends and the lights come back up as GENOS’s phone rings to the tune of the anime’s opening theme song.

GENOS: Ah. excuse me. It is the Hero Association.

He stands and meanders away as he brings the phone to his face.

Yes, hello? Yes, this is Demon Cyborg. Hm, yes. I see.

BANG pulls his own phone from his pocket and squints at it.

BANG: Oh. It seems mine was on silent. I have a missed call from the Association, myself. One moment- I need to check this.

Meanwhile, FUBUKI and the BLIZZARD GROUP likewise pull out their phones from various places- some ridiculous, like out of an afro, if possible- and peer down to look at them.

SAITAMA: Wait, wait! What about Garou? You weren’t finished telling me! Don’t look at your phone now!

BANG: Ah, Charanko, how do I view my messages again? Is it the green button or the red one?

CHARANKO: Ah, no, master, it’s-

GENOS hangs up his phone.

GENOS: The Hero Association requests the assistance of A- and S-class in cleaning up a minor invasion of kaijuu near the coast. (To FUBUKI and her BLIZZARD GROUP) You have been deemed unnecessary.

FUBUKI and her BLIZZARD GROUP put away their phones, more than a little disappointed.

Silver Fang, there is no need for you to come, either, however. I myself should be sufficient, and with Saitama-sensei’s strength as well, this-

SAITAMA: No, no, Genos, you go on ahead. I’m gonna stay.

GENOS: Are you sure? This is the perfect opportunity to ditch--

SAITAMA: Yeah! Yeah, I’m sure. You got it, right, Genos?

GENOS: Well, if Saitama-sensei is sure, then I suppose nothing can be done.

GENOS gives a warning stare to the BLIZZARD GROUP, and then FUBUKI.

Blizzard of Hell.

FUBUKI: Demon Cyborg.

GENOS: Silver Fang. Silver Fang’s student.

CHARANKO: Feh!

GENOS: I bid you all good day.

SAITAMA: Uh-huh, yeah. Do your best and come back safe, and all that.

Exit GENOS.

Okay, but back on topic.

BANG: Ah, yes, I was telling you about something important, wasn’t I?

SAITAMA: Yes. Garou, that guy you taught. The Hero hunter.

FUBUKI: The Human Monster.

BANG: Ah. A monster, eh? So that is what they call him now.

The lighting changes, and the musical intro for REAL WORLD MONSTERS begins, plays for a few bars, and then ends as the lights come up when BANG next opens his mouth.

Say, we were going to have lunch, were we not? Surely such conversation is most unsavory during a meal--

SAITAMA: Don’t change the subject, old man!

BLIZZARD GROUP: Yeah, we were really gettin’ into it!

FUBUKI glares at all of them, and they duck their heads.

BANG: I suppose I cannot dodge the topic any longer, can I?

BANG moves to the apron of the stage. The lights fade until only the light directly above BANG remains on. The BLIZZARD GROUP takes this opportunity to silently exit the stage as the set change on the darkened, opposite side of BANG’S DOJO takes place.

SONG: REAL WORLD MONSTERS

BANG

Heroes exist to save the world,
Monsters, to destroy it.
So the tales have all unfurled
Since the dawn of speech.

SAITAMA: And what’s that got to do with it?

Tell me, what is a monster?
What defines Justice,
And who defends her?

In a story, it’s a beast.
In life, it’s unclear.
Dualities tend to cease
When reality takes the stage.

Not every battle can be fought through force.
Not every good intention makes you right.
Not every story has a happy end.

Real world monsters lurk within our hearts.
They are made of more and less than teeth and claws.
Fear, and want, and vengeance, inferiority.
They creep inside to live inside us all.

Monsters are the other.
As fears made real,
We think to smother
What they really represent.

Can you call a man a monster?
Is his death justice,
Or only slaughter?

I cannot say for sure,
But this, I do know
Nothing in life is pure.
Monsters are made, not born.

Not every battle can be fought through force.
Not every bad intention makes you wrong.
Heroes are villains through certain eyes.

Real world monsters lurk within our hearts.
They are made of more and less than teeth and claws.
Fear, and pain, and vengeance, inferiority.
They creep inside to live inside us all.

During the second verse, the lights gradually fade over BANG as smoke slowly pours in over the stage.The trashed CITY J SHELTER, which now occupies everything besides where SAITAMA, FUBUKI, and BANG are, is illuminated. The backdrop is drenched in red light. CIVILIANS huddle below the blockade near the apron of the stage, KING among them with a hood over his head and a video game in his shaking hands. Several Heroes, including bits and pieces of ZOMBIEMAN, are sprawled about on the ground, incapacitated. MUMEN RIDER is likewise present, but conscious and intact, his trusty bike by his licenseless side. SONIC (lol) enters the scene as well, but without fanfare or lights calling attention to him, and watches the scene.

Enter GENOS.

GENOS: Ah. C-class Hero Mumen Rider, correct? Have you come to take shelter?

MUMEN: Demon Cyborg! I responded to the call as fast as I could. The other Heroes, they--

GENOS: Your duty is done. Take cover now, and allow me to handle this.

MUMEN: Demon Cyborg, that monster, he can change size! I saw it! And he-!

DEEP SEA KING: I see you, filthy humans!

Loud, distinct footfalls thud in the background as the CIVILIANS scream.

GENOS: Go!

The incinerators in GENOS’s palms charge, and he holds them aloft as MUMEN flees. DEEP SEA KING’s legs appear as silhouettes upon the backdrop. GENOS fires. The footsteps pause.

DEEP SEA KING: A little sting? That’s all?! This your great defender?! A little tin man?

The footsteps begin again. GENOS pantomimes firing his incinerators again, and again, and again as he slowly loses ground. BANG sings over the action from the darkness.

BANG

Real world monsters tend to lurk within our hearts.
Don’t be fooled by the gleam of teeth and claws.
Loss, and grief, and loneliness, emptiness, helplessness.
They creep inside to live inside us all.

GENOS: I… I cannot…! I will not let anyone else die before my eyes, not so long as I can do something about it!

DEEP SEA KING: You? Do something about it? Ha! That’s rich! Here, let me come closer so you can get a better shot in!

GENOS: N-no! The shelter is--!

The DEEP SEA KING puppet- a giant face only- rolls rapidly onto the stage from behind the blockade, accompanied by smoke, loud crashes, and louder laughter. GENOS falls backwards, but then fires again and the head recoils some, but he gets only more booming laughter for his trouble. Then, more smoke, colored, and this time from a concentrated stream from the DEEP SEA KING puppet’s mouth, then engulfs GENOS with a loud hiss, and the head retreats with more laughter. GENOS shrieks and turns away as he is enshrouded.

MUMEN: Genos! I-I’ve got to do something!

Exit MUMEN RIDER.

DEEP SEA KING: Oh, was that too much? Ha! Here, let me come down to your level- I want to see your expression as I crush you and your little friends!

The shadow of the DEEP SEA KING reappears, and grows ever smaller as the DEEP SEA KING himself moves onstage, past the blockade, and to GENOS, who now only has one arm, no hair or skin on one side of his face, and one non-functioning leg. KING is panicking quietly within the blockade, and his heartbeat crescendoes to announce the DEEP SEA KING’s approach.

GENOS: I will not let you hurt these people!

GENOS aims his remaining arm at the DEEP SEA KING.

DEEP SEA KING: How sweet. How determined. How heroic you are.

Disgusting.

DEEP SEA KING tears off GENOS’s remaining arm.

You can’t stop me, you stupid little whelp. I’m the Deep Sea King, and I am going to take your precious little surface world down to the depths and make it mine.

And that’s all there is to it.

KING: Ge-Ge-- D-Demon Cyborg!

DEEP SEA KING: Ooh! Look! More weaklings! I’ll eat them first, and then use you to pick my teeth, little tin man!

GENOS: No!

SONIC: Oh, yes! Suffer, metal boy!

DEEP SEA KING: They’re all smashed in, like sardines in a can! Ha! Let’s see you try and hide- no one is coming to save you!

DEEP SEA KING stomps over to the blockade, KING’s heart aflutter. The CIVILIANS scream and cower. From the darkness on the other side of the stage, BANG sings.

BANG

Real world monsters tend to lurk within our hearts.
Don’t be fooled by the gleam of teeth and claws.
Chaos, death, and ignorance, prejudice, our worst fears.
They creep inside to live inside us all.

MUMEN: AUGH! Justice Crash!

MUMEN RIDER’s bike rolls on stage and crashes into the DEEP SEA KING. MUMEN RIDER himself jogs onstage soon after. The bike is spectacularly ineffectual and falls to the ground harmlessly upon impact. However, KING’s heartbeat eases up.

MUMEN: Stop right there, monster!

DEEP SEA KING: Are you serious?

MUMEN: Cyclist for Justice, Mumen Rider, is here to defend! Always!

CIVILIANS: (Ad lib encouragement. At first, it is slow, and then grows.) Mumen Rider! Mumen Rider came for us! Go, Mumen Rider!

TATSUMAKI appears in her own spotlight in an alcove or empty box seat closest to FUBUKI, away and apart from the stage.The sisters make eye contact during FUBUKI and MUMEN RIDER’s duet, and then TATSUMAKI exits once it is finished.

FUBUKI

Real world monsters tend to lurk within our hearts.

MUMEN RIDER

Yes, I am scared of your teeth and claws.

FUBUKI

Not every demon fades away because we tell them so.

MUMEN RIDER

But a true hero always heeds the call!

DEEP SEA KING: Fine, do as you will. I can stand a little more entertainment!

DEEP SEA KING approaches MUMEN RIDER, who engages him in a one-sided fight and is thrown to the ground repeatedly. He gets back up on his feet every time and valiantly tries again.

Meanwhile, in BANG’s DOJO, the lights raise to about half as the song morphs into PERFECT WORLD. SAITAMA quietly exits the stage without drawing the attention of FUBUKI or BANG.

BANG, FUBUKI, CHARANKO, GENOS, KING, CIVILIANS

In a world with perfect people,
A perfect place where sadness ends,
In a world with no more evil,
Where goodness reigns
And heroes win,
There would be no more need for hatred.
No more cruelty,
No more strife.
In a perfect world of justice,
We could all take back our lives!

SONIC

Oh, what a joke these assholes are!
Look at them struggle,
Watch them cry!
I could turn that thing into sashimi
And they wouldn’t even see me!

MUMEN RIDER

Justice!

KING

Don’t look at me!
I’m too scared to help,
Too scared to even try.
Admitting I’m a coward makes me so scared, I could die!

GENOS

So what if I die?
My humanity is a lie.
So what is this ice chilling me to my core?

DEEP SEA KING: I’m getting bored, small fry!

MUMEN: Justice will prevail!

DEEP SEA KING shoves a bloody MUMEN RIDER to the aside with finality. SAITAMA strolls in just in time to catch him.

DEEP SEA KING: Now, where were we, metal man?

DEEP SEA KING moves to the center of the stage, near where GENOS lays, and begins to grow with the aid of a rising platform, cleverly obscuring set pieces, fans, a lot of fabric, and lighting effects as GENOS sings.

GENOS

I fill the hole inside myself with fear
Like chains, it takes hold.
I am choked with fear
I thought that I was stronger!

Tell me what I am!
And how I can feel
In some part of me-
Is it even real?-
Such terror that threatens to rip me apart!
This fear that keeps piercing through my whole--

SAITAMA: Genos!

SAITAMA rushes to GENOS.

GENOS: Saitama-sensei!

The CIVILIANS’ verse of PERFECT WORLD overlaps with the dialogue rather than waiting for space between lyrics.

KING, CIVILIANS

In a world with perfect people,

DEEP SEA KING: Another one?!

SONIC: Saitama!

A perfect place where sadness ends,
In a world with no more evil,

KING: Saitama!

BANG: Hm? Where has Saitama gone?

Where goodness reigns
And heroes win,
There would be no more need for hatred.

FUBUKI: I… I don’t know!

No more cruelty,
No more strife.

CHARANKO: Did he get bored and leave?!

In a perfect world of justice,
We could all take back our lives!

DEEP SEA KING: Well, whatever! I’ll kill all of you!

DEEP SEA KING reaches his maximum size, and SAITAMA stands directly before him.

BANG, FUBUKI, CHARANKO, SONIC, KING, CIVILIANS

Real world monsters lurk within our hearts.

DEEP SEA KING: (ad libbing as necessary ‘til death) Every single one of you! I’ll tear you apart and dye my ocean with your blood! I’ll float your corpses as buoys, and leave you for the seagulls to shit on! I’ll pull out your bones and make them into jewelry! I’ll--!

BANG, FUBUKI, CHARANKO, SONIC, KING, CIVILIANS

They are made of more and less than teeth and claws.
Some are born of want or negligence, justice in disguise.
Can you kill a beast that lives inside--

SAITAMA turns his back to the audience, and confetti streams forth as SAITAMA blows a hole in the center of the DEEP SEA KING with but one, single punch.

BANG, FUBUKI, CHARANKO, SONIC, KING, CIVILIANS

--your soul?

SAITAMA slowly turns to face the audience again as the fanfare dies down. The lights fade around everything but him and Genos, who lays at his feet.

GAROU appears in a spotlight, laughs, and then the lights go off.

END ACT ONE.

Chapter Text

SAITAMA’S APARTMENT. KING stands in the entryway, removing his shoes and with game accoutrements and snacks in bags hanging from his shoulders.

SAITAMA: King! Hey.

KING: Hey, Saitama. I came to see if you wanted to play a few rounds.

Where’s Genos?

SAITAMA: Oh. He’s… he’s gone. He decided to move on with his mission.

KING: Genos isn’t living here anymore?

SAITAMA: Yeah. I guess not. Yeah…

He’s… he’s really gone, I guess.

King, I don’t really feel like gaming today.

KING: Oh! Uh… um, yeah, I see. A-another time, then?

SAITAMA: ...Yeah. Sure.

KING: Oh, uh. Yeah. Okay. See you, I guess.

Exit KING.

SAITAMA: Yeah. Genos is…

...The apartment seems a lot bigger without his big ol’ bag here.

Man. He really took everything! Or- ah.

SAITAMA plucks the shoebox of Genos’s money up from the table.

Did he-?

SAITAMA peeks inside the shoebox.

He didn’t take it with him. In fact, there’s more in here than there was before.

With this, I could go get a better apartment! Or buy gourmet meat at full price every day for, like, a whole year! And a game system that’s even better than King’s, and the entire tankobon set of Shaman King!

Yeah.

...Tch.

SONG: I MISS YOU (THE SHOEBOX SONG)

SAITAMA

It’s just some money.
That’s the price he paid.
Money in a shoebox.
That’s the deal we made.

It doesn’t feel right to spend it.
Why? I can’t really say.
I guess it’s because I
Never did squat to earn it, anyway.

The cash in this box is worth more
than everything I own.
What I’ve reaped
Doesn’t equal what I’ve sewn.

You can lead a horse to water,
But you can’t make it drink.
Since I’m just a nobody
He left this here as pity, I think.

If I took this money from this shoebox,
There’d be nothing left but the space between
The four sides of this box,
Like the four walls of my apartment.
It would all be so empty!

Empty, empty.
Like how my life has been empty.
And I am empty.

Anything worth anything that I ever had is only paper money in a shoebox, now.

I’m used to being alone.
I’ve been that way for twenty five years.
Just a boy from Saitama
Whose real name falls on deaf ears.

I thought I had maybe made a friend,
But now I’m some figure put up on a shelf
I guess I can’t escape that fate.
What kind of hero can’t even save himself?

If I took this money from this shoebox,
There’d be nothing left but the space between
The four sides of this box,
Like the the ghost town of Zeto City.
It would all be so empty!

Anything worth anything that I ever had is only paper in a shoebox, now.

You gave me so much more than that.
You loaned me your time and love.
I never thanked you.
Please come back before the stars above.

But why would you ever come back?
I’m in so much debt, it ain’t funny.
Let me pay the interest.
I feel cheap, being left here with money.

If I blew everything you left me,
There’d be nothing left but the space between
The four sides of this box,
Like the confines of my heart.
It would all be so empty!

Empty, empty.

I am empty.
When you were here, for once,
I wasn’t empty.

I’m sorry.

I’ll miss you.

On the other side of the stage, the lights come on over GENOS and ZOMBIEMAN.

ZOMBIEMAN: Are you sure that this is what you want? You can always turn back if you change your mind.

GENOS: I…

I am only a burden now, if I go back.

GENOS looks to where SAITAMA is standing.

I am not needed. It would be superfluous to my mission, anyway.

SAITAMA

You made my house a home.

ZOMBIEMAN: That makes it sound like you’re making a mistake. Are you sure you shouldn't go home?

SAITAMA

You’re my home.

GENOS: I do not… I do not have one. The Mad Cyborg destroyed my home.

ZOMBIEMAN: You sure you’re not simply being foolish?

GENOS: ...No. But.

GENOS

Only fools…

SAITAMA

I miss you.

GENOS

Only fools...

SAITAMA

I miss you!

GENOS

Only fools…!

SAITAMA

My first friend,

GENOS

Only fools...!

SAITAMA

I miss you!

GENOS

Only fools chose…

SAITAMA

You’re in my heart.

GENOS

Only fools choose…!

SAITAMA

I should have told you!

GENOS

Only fools choose…!

SAITAMA

I don’t feel just nothing anymore!

GENOS:

Only fools…!

SAITAMA

I miss you!

GENOS AND SAITAMA

Only fools choose to silence their heart!

ZOMBIEMAN: Demon Cyborg… Genos…

GENOS: Let us go.

ZOMBIEMAN follows GENOS as he retreats offstage and their spotlight fades. The light over SAITAMA lingers for a moment before it, too, fades.

Chapter Text

SAITAMA’S APARTMENT. The futon is put away, dirty dishes sit in the sink, and the shoebox full of GENOS’s money is perched on the table by the television. SPEED O’ SOUND SONIC lurks on the roof outside, watching. MUMEN RIDER sits on the couch next to FUBUKI, who fans herself disinterestedly. BANG kneels at the table across from CHARANKO and BADD, a tea kettle and cups before them. KING and SAITAMA himself sit in front of the television and play a video game.

KING: That’s the sixth time you’ve died this round.

SAITAMA: Oh. Hm.

KING: You’re in last place. For the twelfth game in a row.

SAITAMA: Oh, am I? Huh.

FUBUKI: Say, why don’t I play you next game? If you lose, you have to join my Blizzard Group!

SAITAMA: Hm.

BANG: And train at my dojo.

SAITAMA: Hn.

BANG: Every day!

SAITAMA: Yeah.

CHARANKO: In nothing but your underwear.

SAITAMA: Hm. Cool.

The guests in SAITAMA’S APARTMENT give one another a long look while SAITAMA stares, listless, at the television. BADD and CHARANKO in particular spend this entire scene slowly growing more and more aggravated.

MUMEN: We could go for oden. Does that sound good? You like oden.

SAITAMA: Hn. Can’t afford it.

MUMEN: I’ll pay for you.

SAITAMA: Nah.

MUMEN: You don’t have to pay me back, if that’s what you’re worried about.

SAITAMA: No.

MUMEN: Really. Money’s not-

FUBUKI: Please! Oh, just stop! Saitama, you and I both know you’ve got money stashed away in that stupid shoebox by the television. Use it, or I will.

FUBUKI strides over to the shoebox tucked behind the television. SAITAMA stands and snatches it from her.

SAITAMA: Don’t touch that!

FUBUKI and the other guests grow quiet at SAITAMA’s sudden outburst.

It isn’t mine to spend.

SAITAMA stashes the shoebox back behind the television.

I’m just holding it for somebody.

SAITAMA takes his seat.

Sorry for yelling.

BANG: Saitama…

KING: You wanna, uh, try another game? There’s this new racing one that just came out. I-I’ve been looking into it. I can, um, run down to the GameGo and pick up a copy, if you think that would be better.

SAITAMA: Hunh.

KING: Uh, Saitama?

SAITAMA: Mm.

KING: Would you like that? The, uh, the new game.

SAITAMA: Oh. Hm. Yeah.

Say.

MUMEN: Yes?

SAITAMA: I was just wondering.

Why haven’t you left yet?

A beat.

FUBUKI: Excuse me?

SAITAMA: You don’t have any reason to be here, so. I don’t mind you being here, or anything. It’s just that I wondered, is all.

I’m not used to being around this many of my acquaintances at one time- least of all while they’re all in my apartment.

FUBUKI: Acquaintances? A member of the Blizzard Group is much more than just my acquaintance!

SAITAMA: Fubuki.

I’m not in your group. Stop saying I am.

FUBUKI: Th-then-! Then if that’s the way you’re going to be, I’ll join your group!

SAITAMA: I don’t have a group.

FUBUKI: Then what do you call this?! What do you call these subordinates gathered around you? What else do you call the people who came out here just because they thought you might need help?

KING: Fubuki…

SAITAMA: I don’t know. I don’t know any of you well enough to pretend like I know what you want. You’re just my acquaintances.

MUMEN: Is that really how you think of us?

SAITAMA: Yeah. You are, aren’t you? You’re my acquaintances.

You’re probably here because the Hero’s Association decided I’m famous now, right?

A beat of silence.

I mean, that's fine, too, I guess. But I should probably warn you that I’m not that concerned with all these appearances, not really. Knowing me probably won’t get you whatever it is you’re after, no matter how hard you try.

I don’t have any tips or anything for you. I don’t have anything to offer.

I’m a terrible teacher, honestly. So that’s why…

A beat.

I don’t know anything even worth teaching.

BANG: Young Saitama...

CHARANKO AND BADD: Saitama, you are such a dumbass!

CHARANKO: (To BANG) Oh! Excuse me, Master Bang. Please continue speaking.

BANG: No, no, you both have the right of it. Do go on.

BADD: Well, I-- wait. Really? Old guy Bang, you’re pretty friggin’ cool!

(To Saitama) You think I’d come here because of that?! Hell! Old guy Bang, ‘fraidy cat King, and I’re already S-class!

Caped Baldy, yours is the baldest, most dumbest-est ass I have ever wanted to kick!

SONG: FRIENDSHIP, EFFORT, VICTORY

BADD

I ain’t exactly a shinin’ example of goodness.
I ain’t a great role model, but I try my best.
To speak your language,
I’m more Kuwabara than I am Kurama.

CHARANKO snatches the controller from SAITAMA’s hands and shoves a manga into them instead.

CHARANKO

We’ve read all the books on your shelf.
I mean, it really can’t be helped,
Since my hair screams BLEACH.
Granted, I’m more Kon than Ichigo.

BADD AND CHARANKO

We know a wannabe when we see one.
We grew up on this stuff, too!
And if you really wanna be just like your heroes,
You know what you have to do.
Friendship, Effort, Victory.
That’s the way to make dreams come true.

BADD

Your name sure ain’t Jojo.
Your poses are just as weird, though.
An’ worse than that, you’re too stupid
To know how stupid you are!

CHARANKO

Every Luffy has a Zoro,
And a whole pirate crew, too!
Acquaintances, subordinates-
Bull! They’re friends, through and through!

BADD AND CHARANKO

We know a dreamer when we see one.
But man, we pity you!
If you really wanna be just like your heroes,
You gotta put your heart into everything you do.
Friendship, Effort, Victory.
That's how you make dreams come true.

CHARANKO

You’re strong, I’ll give you that.

MUMEN

Janken! Rasengan! Kamehameha!

As MUMEN and the others join in the chant of classic Shonen Jump special attacks, they adopt the pose associated with each.

CHARANKO

And I’m sure you work hard to One Punch and win,

MUMEN, BADD

Mind crush! Spirit Gun! Go Ren Kugi Punch!

CHARANKO

But it’s lonely up at the top, right?

MUMEN, BADD, SONIC

Za Warudo! Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki!

CHARANKO

Since you think you don’t have any friends!

MUMEN, BADD, SONIC

Witch Hunt! Getsuga Tensho! Hokuto Shinken!

CHARANKO, BADD, MUMEN, KING

Friendship, Effort, Victory!
You’ve got two, but not all three!

SONIC leaps down from the roof and lands squarely on the table.

SONIC

IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH YOU!

The music stops abruptly.

The guests of SAITAMA’S APARTMENT and SAITAMA himself all stare at SONIC.

SAITAMA: Gin and Tonic? Is that you?

SONIC: My name is Sonic, you perfectly waxed idiot! I am only here t-to, uh, to tell you that moping is unworthy of someone recognized as a rival by one such as myself!

A-and we’re all allowed to like what we like, okay?!

CHARANKO: But what property even was that? Was that, like, Madoka?

BADD: Dude, naw! Sailor Moon! Zenko and I LOVE that shit! How can you not know about it?!

KING: I-I can lend you my box set, Charanko. If you want. We can watch it together.

BADD: Oh, HELL yeah!

BANG: I don’t know what any of this is, but it certainly sounds exciting.

FUBUKI: I don’t, either.

MUMEN: Fubuki! You should watch it with us, too, when Genos is back!

SAITAMA: Genos is coming back?!

BADD: Only if you get up off your ass n’ ask him to!

The music picks back up.

CHARANKO, BADD, KING, MUMEN, BANG, FUBUKI, SONIC

We know a loner when we see one.
Our affection is true.
If you really wanna be just like your heroes,
Ask yourself what they would do.
Friendship, Effort, Victory.
Don’t you think Genos also misses you?

SAITAMA: But he left on his own. That’s all there is to it.

FUBUKI: And did you even think to ask to go with him?

SAITAMA: I- oh.

No, now that you mention it. I didn’t.

FUBUKI: Ugh!

BANG

Friendship takes effort,
Effort takes strength.
And love is the strongest thing of all.
If you run from the challenge,
Then your efforts means nothing.
Hollow victories that crumble and fall.

MUMEN:

So listen to us- we’re also your friends.
This will be okay in the end,
If you have faith and make it so.
Goku, follow Kuririn.

SONIC

Naruto, bring back Sasuke.

BADD

Hell! Maka, stay with Soul!

KING:

You know Genos would do the same for you!

Meanwhile, GAROU appears in the doorway of SAITAMA’S APARTMENT, GENUS in tow. Both stay tense and quiet, watching.

SAITAMA’S GUESTS

Reach out your hand up to tomorrow,
Don’t sit here and limply wallow.
Seize your destiny.
Be the hero we know you can be.

Friendship, Effort, Victory.

SAITAMA: You really think it’s that simple?

BANG: Young Saitama, relating to other people is anything but simple. I’m sure all the people in this room can attest to that.

FUBUKI: Hmph!

SONIC: Harrumph! Such sentimentality is for the weak!

BANG: Oh, we’ve all made the mistake of thinking that way before. Even me, with Garou.

I regret that deeply.

GAROU reacts.

CHARANKO: Master!

BANG: But you must try, Saitama. That’s how we make a better world- a more perfect world. We look out for each other.

BADD: Carin’ about somebody else is serious shit, man!

KING: He’s important to you, right?

SAITAMA: I…

FUBUKI: And you are important to him, right?

SAITAMA says nothing.

SONIC: Don’t be stupid- he’s a clingy shithead if I ever saw one. I could never challenge you because he’d never leave your side!

SAITAMA: He did that to get strong. That’s all.

CHARANKO: Don’t be stupid! Strength isn’t the only reason you follow somebody! He looked at you, and he saw someone great inside and out- someone he trusted absolutely and would follow anywhere, without question, if you only asked him to. I know it.

BANG smiles despite himself. SAITAMA looks at CHARANKO, speechless.

So are you gonna get up and show why you’re worthy of all that, or are you just gonna sit here and mope?

MUMEN: Well, Saitama?

A moment passes, and then with a mighty roar of fanfare, Saitama gets to his feet.

SAITAMA: You’re right- you’re all right! I’m a hero now, so I might as well act like one, right?!

GUESTS: Right!

SAITAMA: It’s time I take a stand and tell him to come home like he always did for me!

GUESTS: Right!

SAITAMA: I’ll tell him that we can take care of the mad cyborg together, and stand for justice not as master and student, but as friends! And then go out for udon because it’s half off today!

GUESTS: Right!

SAITAMA: And I would do all of that and more--

The fanfare peters out ridiculously.

--If I had any idea where the hell he was!

SAITAMA’S GUESTS groan collectively.

SONIC: I TOLD you that you needed to put a leash on that dog!

GAROU steps out of the shadows, followed by GENUS.

GAROU: Actually, we may be able to help you with that.

CHARANKO: Garou!

GAROU: Little Charanko.

…Silver Fang.

GAROU bows.

Master.

CHARANKO: Don’t think you can grovel and get off that easy, you--!

BANG: Charanko! Hold your tongue.

GAROU: I’ve brought someone with me.

SAITAMA and his GUESTS gasp dramatically. And then,

SAITAMA: And who are you, again?

GENUS: Y-you really don’t remember me? I’m--!

Who I used to be does not mean anything. I’m another member of society, now. That’s all. But I know where your Genos went. He’s with one of my--

With someone I owe everything to.

The musical intro to OBLIGATORY TRAGIC BACKSTORY plays.

Saitama, please save Zombieman. If Bofoi really managed to kill him, I could never forgive myself. I was the person who changed him, and if I ever-

The music stops.

SAITAMA: Enough, enough! I don’t need any more big speeches! If you know where Genos is, then show me!

GENUS: Very well. Come with me.

MUMEN: We’ll come with you!

SAITAMA: Huh? Why? If it’s a monster I’m gonna face, I don’t need any help.

KING: We’re going because we want to support you.

...Even though this sounds really scary.

SAITAMA: Oh.

Thank you.

BADD: Yeah, yeah, whatever! Now get the hell up so’s we can do this thing! I gotta take Zenko to piano lessons in the mornin’, so I can’t stay out too late with alla you pissants!

ALL exit and the lights fade.

FACE YOUR DEMONS plays as the scene changes to BOFOI’S LABORATORY within the HERO’S ASSOCIATION.