Chapter Text
Date: 2/19/2023. Time: 2:09 AM. Location: Gravesfield Bridge
I walk onto the bridge, my shoes abandoned to the night as the cold concrete below me creates blisters into my exposed feet. Part of me wants to stop, take a break so that my feet aren’t feeling dead by the time I get there, but I shake off that thought. Not that it matters much, anyway. Soon, I won’t be able to feel much at all, not to mention a small blister on my foot. So I continue walking, expecting, and either fearing or hoping I run into the people who were chasing after me. I can’t really tell which in my fog covered brain.
Both they and I tried their best, I would say. We went to therapy sessions, they were always nice to me and tried to include me into things, and they made sure I was at all times comfortable and comforted. It’s just… that’s not the path for me I guess. I wasn’t ever meant to be more than a puppet for my uncle. That was my purpose in life, and now that he’s out of the picture, I don’t really have much else to do. I made my bed, and I just… can’t live with the guilt of the people I’ve hurt and potentially killed anymore. The things I’ve done.
So I’m making peace with that and hopefully doing my first fully good act I have done in my life by getting rid of that from the world. I’m still probably going to hell, but maybe the would have more mercy for someone who willingly gave themselves up. It’s probably wishful thinking, but that’s the only thing that is keeping me from breaking down right now, so I can’t be picky.
I pick up the pace as I start to get towards the best vantage point of the bridge. I want this to no doubt end me, both for mine and everyone else's sake. I know for a fact that if I survive this drop, that it would probably be the Noceda’s who would be taking care of me, which… I can’t burden them. Not anymore. Not with everything I’ve done to Luz in particular… I just can’t cause them anymore pain. They tell me I’m being too harsh on myself and I didn’t do that to them myself, but not even they can deny I didn’t do anything wrong at the summer camp.
Luz… honestly, I see her in myself a lot. We both had to endure a lot from that man. Both mentally… and physically. I lift up my shirt to reveal the scars that still exist on my body, even after all these months away from him. I shutter as the cold wind blows onto them, feeling like my skin freezes underneath them. How can it still feel so raw after so long, I wonder to myself as I bring a finger to them, my hands cold shocking it even more than the wind, but I continue rubbing it, as I create tension underneath my body. Some scars aren’t meant to heal, I guess… ever.
I shake my head, loosen my grip on my shirt, and continue onward. I need to get this done QUICK. The others are probably hot on my tail, and there is a good chance there is a missing persons report on my soon. If I’m planning on leaving, I need to do it quickly. I pick up the pace again, ever step on the ground creating intensity in me, my body begging me to stop, but my determination being fuel enough to keep going, despite any pain I may experience in the interim. It will be over soon, I think to myself as I trudge on.
As I quickly run through the asphalt jungle in front of me, I suddenly step onto quite a large, pointy stone beneath me. It impales my foot and makes me trip up, falling to the ground. “FUCK” I shout out into the night, before covering my mouth. I can’t risk them hearing that, I think to myself, before trying to stand up, only to be stopped by the huge rock poking out of my foot. I try to grab it and pull it out, but no luck as the cold air had almost froze it into my foot.
Fine, I think as I use the hand rail next to me to get up, and start to limp down the bridge, my left foot hopping along with my hands on the rail, as my right foot stays lim. I don’t have time for things like this, any second I lose is a second they have to find me. I look behind me, half expecting to see them, but the bridge is still empty beyond me. That’s good, I think to myself. Just a little bit more and they won’t be able to stop me anymore.
As I finally get to the furthest drop point on this bridge, I look once more to my left, and to my right. Still no one else here. I have it in the bag at this point I think. I start to grab the top railing to try to pull myself over, before remembering the giant rock in my foot. Right, this is going to be harder now. It might not be over until I’m fully over the railing.
I start by putting my right leg over the top of the railing, making sure not to put any amount of pressure onto that foot. I then put my leg onto the middle rung of the railing. This would be a lot easier if the middle was open like with some of the other fencing outside of the bridge, but I guess it was installed to make it harder to get to the other side to fall off. Ironic, really. Finally, I grab onto the top rung, and push myself off of the middle rung with my left foot, and land only on my left, and finally lean back onto the fence from the outside of it. Thankfully, I was able to do that.
I look around one more time to ensure there is still no one around me. Once to the left, once to the right. All clear. I stare down at the abyss below me, knowing that will be my final resting place. I take a deep breath, before repeating what I knew my final thoughts would be ahead of time. “I’m sorry Luz. I’m sorry Vee. I’m sorry Camila. I’m sorry Eda. I’m sorry Willow. I’m sorry Gus. I’m sorry Amity. I tried. I really tried. I hope you know that. I’m sorry. Goodbye” It was simple, but I’m not the most sentimental guy on the planet. Never had a real childhood and all that.
I take one more deep breath, and, looking up, let go of the railing, and lean forward, ready to embrace my end. I start to feel my body falling, easier than it may normally have because of the lack of balance from my foot. The cold air that once blew towards me now created a cocoon around me, making me unable to breathe, and yet I try harder and harder. I come to a realization as I enter freefall from a height that I knew would kill me, knowing this is how my life would end.
I realized I didn’t want to die.
I don’t want to. I never wanted to. I wanted to live, please god let me live. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything I did wrong. I just want to live and see all my friends' faces again. I want to study and go to high school, a normal high school. I want to be able to go to shops and stores like a normal person and not a person of status. I want to love and be loved, not be forced into an arranged marriage. I want to live. I want to live. I WANT to live. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO LIVE I WANT TO LIVE IWANTTOLIVE IWANTTOLIVEIWANTTOLIVEIWANTTOLIVEIWANTTO-
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