Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Wait!”

I turn around to face him. Evan Hansen. The kid who'd thought it would be funny if he printed out a letter with my sister's name on it while I was in the computer room.

“You.” I make sure my voice displays my annoyance in this situation.

He's in front of me, out of breath. “I think… we got off… on the wrong… foot earlier.”

“Right.” I have no idea what he thinks he's doing.

Evan rests his back against the lockers while he catches his breath. “Maybe we could be friends if we try, rather than pretending to have friends.”

“What?” I then remember what I said before. “Yeah, no. Do you seriously think you and I could be friends? You're fucking insane if you think that.”

If I'm not mistaken, Evan looks disappointed. “I'll let you think about it.”

“As if I'll actually consider it.”

I drag my bag out of my locker and slam the door shut. This idiot thinks we can be friends. Wow. It's pathetic. He's so desperate for company he comes to me. Connor Murphy. Notorious for being a loner and/or junkie, depending on what you want to call me. Don't forget the fact I threw a printer at my 2nd grade teacher.

I plan on going to the park. I know exactly why. Not that I'll mention it to anyone. I won't be able to. 

I'm at the park now. Why am I doing this? Why am I asking myself this? I know why I'm doing this — to get out of this.

One.

Two.

I stop. It's not worth it. Not really. I shove the bag into my pocket. I guess the only place to go now is home.

I open the door. Zoe's already there to answer as if she's sensed my presence.

“Connor.” She narrows her eyes at me.

“Zoe.” I narrow my eyes right back at her.

I walk inside the house and lay myself down on the couch.

That? How Zoe and I greet each other? That's just what we do these days. We used to be close but we drifted apart. I think she hates me even more after I knocked Evan to the ground earlier today. Every wrong thing I do just adds to her hate. I still care about her though.

"Connor.” 

My mother's standing over me.

“What is it?”

“Zoe told us that you pushed a kid today.”

I roll my eyes and groan. “I apologized to him already, alright?” I wouldn't exactly call signing his cast a proper apology but alright.

“That still doesn't change what you did. You need to learn to control your emotions, Connor.”

“Right. I won't do it again. Happy?”

“It's a start.” She walks away into the kitchen, probably to grab a cup of coffee.

She's sick of me. Sick of me slipping up. Sick of my issues. The same goes for the rest of my family. Zoe, of course, and my dad. Zoe is always having to apologise for me. My dad feels responsible because I'm his son. I guess my mom feels the same way.

Chapter Text

The next morning, I lay on my bed, thinking about Evan’s proposal (so much for saying I wasn't going to consider it). Friends? It may be possible. He might not be completely insane. 

I stand up. Time to get ready. I need to be in school if I'm going to talk to Evan.

I pull on a decent outfit — my usual dark grey attire — and pull the handle of my small messenger bag as I drag it off the floor.

 I race down the stairs. I'm immediately met by my mom. 

“Connor, you can't run in the house, especially not on the stairs.”

“Sorry.” 

She looks at me as if I'm crazy. I suppose it's not often I apologise.

I make my way into the living room. Zoe. She's also looking at me as if I'm crazy.

“You seem more optimistic than usual. What made you so happy?”

“It's nothing.”

It's not nothing at all. I have a chance at a friend. I still have no idea why Evan thought I would be a great person to try to be friends with. I'm feared by everyone at school. Like I said before, Evan really seems to be desperate for company.

I hear her talking to our parents about me, saying I'm probably high. Of course, I'm not.

I grab a cereal bar off the kitchen counter before rushing out of the house, forgetting my boots. Of course, I go back into the house to grab my boots. I'm still walking while I pull them on.

Once I arrive at school, I scan the halls for Evan. 

There. 

The kid with the cast, though it's harder to notice since he's decided to wear long sleeves today. My name is covered by his sleeves. O and r. That's all you can read. 

I lean against the lockers next to him and he flinches when he notices me.

He's scared of me. Either that or he flinches at everyone he doesn't realise is there. If he is scared of me, I don't really blame him. Everyone is.

“I was thinking about what you said yesterday. It might just work but I'm not completely sure. We could try for the day. A trial period.” I put out my hand.

“You want to shake on it?”

“Sure. Why not?”

 He shakes my hand, hesitantly, but he still shakes my hand.

I have to wave my hand around to get rid of his sweat.

Upon seeing this, Evan looks uncomfortable. He knew his hands were sweaty. That was why he was so hesitant when going to shake my hand.

“Right. I better get ready to head to class.” I turn around to get to my locker.

“Connor, you do realise that class doesn't start for another ten minutes?”

“Wait, really?” I turn back around to face Evan. “I guess I'm so used to not having enough time to get to class by the time I get to school.”

I stay there, leaning against the lockers. I know for certain that both me and Evan have no idea what to talk about. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.

“So, what actually happened at your last school?” Evan asks, trying to break the silence.

My last school. I was expelled for having drugs, though not mine.

“What do you know already?”

Evan uses his fingers to count the points. “Well, I know you got expelled, of course, and I know that it was because of drugs but I want to know the full story.”

“It wasn't my drugs, alright?” Evan raises an eyebrow. “It was my friend’s. I took the shot for him. There isn't much else to it really.”

Evan nods and begins fidgeting. There isn't anything else to talk about.

This was just great. We were supposed to be friends for the day. Real friends don't struggle to start a conversation with one another. 

I start to go the opposite way. Evan has already reminded me that class doesn't start for a few minutes but I might as well get my stuff if we have nothing to talk about.

Evan doesn't even bother to call after me now.

Class starts in five minutes. I have English for the first period. I'll be able to survive that. It's probably not the most tolerable out of all the classes I have today but it's fine.

Once I get to class, after getting the necessary resources from my locker, the bell goes off. I came here just in time. 

The rest of the period seems to pass by in minutes. Probably only because I occupy myself by drawing on my desk.

Chapter Text

Eventually, lunch rolls around. Me and Evan meet up after I get my lunch. By that, I mean Evan found me. I never looked for him in particular. I sat by myself for a good while before he came over. Evan sat down right across from me. 

“What's that?” I ask, pointing at Evan's sandwich.

“A sandwich?”

I roll my eyes. “I know that. I mean, what's on it?”

“Oh, SunButter and jelly. I've had the same thing for lunch for the past ten years.”

I start picking at my food with my fork. I don't really want to eat it. School cafeteria food isn't the best. Honestly, that's a massive understatement. School food is terrible.

Evan tears apart his sandwich and hands over a half to me. “Do you want to share my sandwich?”

“Yeah.” I take the sandwich half and find myself smiling.

Evan looks up and looks terrified. 

“What? Never seen me smile?”

“It's not that. It was just… unexpected.”

I start feeling eyes falling on me from around the cafeteria. I sit up and shout, “what are you all looking at!?”

Everyone goes back to doing whatever they were doing before.

“And there you are,” I hear Evan mutter.

I end up finishing my half of the sandwich. It was definitely way better than anything the school serves. That's not really hard though. A lot of things are better than the school’s food.

“You've been having the same sandwich for a decade. How have you not gotten bored of it?”

Evan simply shrugs in response. “Probably because it's good.”

“I agree with you on that.”

Even though I've finished all that I'm going to eat, not much, I still sit at the table with Evan across from me. 

I hear footsteps and look up to see Jared Kleinman. He's here for Evan.

“Are you seriously hanging with the freak?” He nods towards me. He's talking about me as if I'm not right in front of him right now.

“Well, um…” Evan can't even think of a good excuse. He doesn't want to explain the real story to Jared. 

“‘Well’ what? What reason do you have to sit next to him?”

Evan gives up on trying to think of a reason. He sighs. “I don't have one.” He stands up and walks away from the table. That leaves me by myself. Eyes from around the room fall onto me once again. I don't say anything. I don't lash out. I remain silent. 

I watch as Evan leaves until he's out of view. 

It's not like I'm going to eat anything else so I dump all that I have left on my tray into one of the trash cans. Abandoned. Abandoned by the first friend I've had in a while. That's what I am right now. As if me and Evan were going to last as friends. I should have anticipated that Jared would notice and say something to Evan about spending time with me. It was only yesterday he said something about me resembling a school shooter.

At the end of school, Evan finds me again. I turn to him. “I thought you abandoned me for Jared.”

“No! He's not really my friend anyway. Just a family friend according to him. He seems to think that friends and family friends are two different things. He's also a bit of a jerk if I'm being honest.”

I shrug. “That's fair.”

I start walking the other way, ready to leave the school and go home but Evan calls after me.

“How about we walk home together?”

“Sure. It's not like I've got no reason not to.”

We planned out the route in a way that we would reach Evan's house first and I would have some time to myself (I didn't tell Evan that this was why I suggested the route to go to Evan's house instead of mine first).

As we walk Evan starts fidgeting like he had done earlier today. “You're actually sort of… nice,” he whispers.

“Really now?” That's never really been a word I, or anyone else, has ever used to describe me.

“Yeah. You're not as bad as everyone thinks you are.”

It's refreshing hearing someone think positively of me. Everyone at school is afraid of me and I'm sure my family sees me as a sort of evil incarnate.

“Wait a second.” I drag the folded letter out of my pocket. Evan’s letter. “Here. I thought you might want it. It's sort of relatable.”

“Thanks! Before school, I was worrying you would post it online or something. I already wrote another letter. You can keep it if you like.”

He holds out the letter, waiting for me to take it and I do. 

We continued walking in silence.

When Evan was in his house, I pulled up my hood. It wasn't raining but if anyone from school was in the area, I didn't want them spotting me.

I made it to my house without seeing anyone from school. I open the door and Zoe isn't standing there like yesterday. I make my way to the living room and there stand my parents and Zoe. So that's where she was. 

“Connor,” my mom starts. “Zoe's noticed you've been a bit more…carefree today. Any reason you'd like to tell us?”

Instead of giving an answer, my immediate reaction is to just stand in silence. Rage starts flowing through my veins. Why would I be angry at Zoe for noticing that I've been a bit better today? I have no idea. Still, I launch myself at her and she defends herself by digging her nails into my face. Sharp. Painful. We proceeded to fight tooth and nail.

Once Zoe gets an opening, she turns to our parents. “I already said he was most likely high!” 

My mom nods hesitantly. She never wants to believe I'm high though, I admit, I am currently. I was smoking while I walked home after Evan left. I don't lash out at Zoe, or my parents, when I'm not. They'll probably catch on in a few minutes.

My mom leaves the room, sighing, a few minutes later and me and Zoe stop fighting, though we still glare at one another for another five minutes before I go up the stairs, into my room.

I stay there, laying on my bed, music blasting through my headphones for three hours. That's my best guess. I don't really know how long I was in there before Zoe came in to get me for dinner which I took a cup of milk with.

Chapter Text

The next day, I find Evan just as he's entering the school. He jumps at the sight of me which makes me laugh.

“What? Why are you laughing?” Evan can't help laughing too.

“The two times that I have found you, you've been scared.”

We both are keeled over, laughing. 

“My stomach hurts,” Evan says once he's stopped laughing.

I still haven't recovered from the burst of laughter. Evan lightly kicks me in the leg.

“Stop laughing. It's Jared,” he says to me, quietly.

I stand up as straight as is physically possible for me. Jared is currently standing close to Evan.

“So,” Jared begins.

I've only decided to stay where I am because Jared hasn't told me to go. At least, not yet.

“I don't actually mind you hanging out with Connor.” Yet again, Jared talks about me as if I'm not there. “It might be beneficial to you. As you and I both know, you're undeniably a loser. Maybe being friends with Connor might make people respect you or they'll be scared of you like they are of him. Either way, you are still in a better position than you were before.” 

“Are you done with your mock speech?” I ask, causing Jared to flinch.

“I didn't notice you.”

“Yeah, clearly not.”

Even if Jared has given his okay to Evan for me and him to be friends, I still don't really like Jared. Evan was right before when he said he was a jerk.

Me and Evan enter the school together.

“Wanna know a fun fact about Jared?” Evan says when we reach his locker (we passed mine a while ago so I already have my own things).

“Go ahead.”

“He laughed while we were learning about the Holocaust.”

“Really? I already figured he wasn't good at knowing when it was appropriate to do certain things but I didn't think he'd laugh during something like that. Jeez.”

Evan finished up at his locker but there was still a few minutes until the first bell rang, meaning we were left there to simply… stand there.

“Hey!” Evan says, suddenly. “Maybe Jared’s right about our friendship being beneficial. Now I don't have to worry about looking weird when hanging around.” 

“Seriously? That's the first thing you think of?”

“It's not my fault that's the first thing I happen to notice!”

“Alright then. You're forgiven.” I take a mock bow. "Anyway, I got distracted earlier. I figured we could stay friends."

"I kinda thought that was already implied considering how well yesterday went."

Rrring. 

There's the bell. 

“I'll see you at lunch,” I say to Evan as I'm going the other way to my class.

He waves goodbye at me as he goes on his way.

My first class is algebra. Hell, essentially. I still pay attention in that class though I sometimes find myself distracted for a few seconds but once I snap out of it I can usually piece together what my teacher has been saying. This time I'm getting distracted for longer periods of time than usual. I have a real friend. And as an added bonus, Evan's actually a good person. Sure, that's sort of a lackluster adjective but what else am I supposed to say? I guess “friendly" might be better.

“Connor, are you paying attention?”

“What?” I sit up. The teacher's probably been calling on me and I haven't noticed. Damnit!

“Can you answer the question on the board?”

There it is. On the board. For a second it looks difficult but I figure out what I'm supposed to do not long after looking at it.

“Do you want me to write it out?” I ask.

“That would be appreciated.”

I stand up and take a pen from the teacher. I'm already trembling slightly. That's fine. I don't think it's noticeable.

I write out the calculation on the board.

The teacher looks it over. “That is… correct.”

I go back to my desk and silently celebrate. Yes! It may not seem like much but I got it right and didn't humiliate myself. I don't think anyone would say anything if I got it wrong, except for the teacher correcting me.

Chapter Text

Lunch at last. After I got my food, I found Evan and we sat at the same table, in the same seats as we had done yesterday. The food today was a tad better than yesterday but still terrible compared to Evan's sandwich.

“So, you were a park ranger during the summer?” I ask Evan. He mentioned it briefly when he explained how he broke his arm.

“Yeah. Well, only an apprentice park ranger. I guess that makes me some sort of tree expert now. I don't know. That's stupid. It wasn't all that interesting.”

We were in silence for a few minutes before Evan spoke up again.

“I heard you threw a printer at your second grade teacher.”

I nearly spat out my food.

“It was an overreaction on my part,” I explain. “I wasn't made line leader.”

“Seriously? That's what it was?”

I nod. “Yep. It's extremely stupid looking back on it.”

“Wow. I don't even know what I thought it would be but I never thought that.”

Again, we sat in silence for a while. Longer than before. I was able to finish my food within that time.

“You're a pretty cool person, Hansen,” I say when I've finished my meal.

“What? Me?” Evan lets out a sheepish laugh. “I'm just a loser. How can I be cool?”

“Cool doesn't necessarily mean popular. Look at me. Be honest with me. Do you think I'm cool?”

“Well… yeah.”

“Exactly my point.” I lean back into the wall behind me.

“I like trees…” Evan says, out of the blue.

“What? What's that got to do with anything?”

“A cool person wouldn't want to know so much about trees,” he reasons.

“You're just looking for excuses, aren't you?”

Evan has been silenced. I've truly caught him off guard.

“Okay. I'm cool. Are you happy now?”

“Very.”

Evan laughs at my bluntness. It's nice seeing him like this. I've noticed him in the halls before and he always seemed so miserable. Right now, he's the opposite of that. He's cheerful. 

Once the school day came to an end, I decided I was going to just walk home by myself. I like walking in solitude. Just me and my thoughts. I'd do good if I was ever put in prison. Me and my thoughts alone. Me and my thoughts walking down the path to my house. 

I'm glad to have a friend. You know what they say: quality over quantity. I only need one friend and I'm totally fine with that. Even if it's only one, having a friend means I have someone to go through life with. My life has been pretty much horrendous up until this point. Now I have someone to distract me from that and suffer through it with. I know for a fact Evan knows what it's like to be lonely. The two of us are a perfect pair. Him, originally just thrown to the side, discarded. Me, isolated by the way others view me, feared by the majority. I think Jared’s right. By being my friend, Evan might not be left on the sidelines as much anymore. He might just end up as dreaded as I am. I wonder how Evan would react to being thought of as a monster just by being my friend.

I open the front door. No one is in the living room. I don't mind. I make my way to the kitchen, hoping no one will be in there but there stands my dad, preparing dinner. He won't want to talk to me but I still decide to ask, “Hey, Larry, where’s Mom and Zoe?”

He sighs at hearing me refer to him by his first name, before responding, “Your mother's upstairs and Zoe's out with her friends.”

I don't respond. Instead, I simply went up the stairs into my own room. I've got no plans. Well, I was going to put the pills I took back into the cabinet but that can wait until another day.

Once I'm in my room, I open up my phone. I don't have Evan’s number yet. I'll ask him tomorrow. Nothing. No notifications except a few from social media. Just a few posts from classmates. The ones who haven't blocked me. 

I'm done on my phone. I leave it on my bedside. I stay there laying back on my bed with nothing to do. I grab my bag off of the door. Inside there is my sketchbook. I can draw to pass the time. I just draw whatever without thinking too hard about it. By doing that, I'm able to find inspiration.

A tree. An oak tree. Extremely tall. Maybe about fifty feet. A kid on the ground. There are two options for his fate. Injured or dead. Injured sounds a tad more optimistic.

I take another look at the finished piece, trying to put it all together. It seems I've drawn from real life. The tree is exactly what Evan described when he told me how he broke his arm. The injured kid on the ground is him with his broken limb. 

Somebody will get him. Help him.

But no. That didn't happen to Evan. He waited for ten minutes but… no one came. He was lying there, helpless.

Chapter Text

The last day of the week before the weekend. Usually I'd spend my spare time alone, listening to music, drawing in the corners of notebooks, but that doesn't have to be how I spend my time now because I have a friend now. I imagine Evan may have used to have that problem of not having anything to do in his spare time except be lonely.

I've woken up way too early, early enough to have loads of time before school, late enough that I can't go back to sleep. I might as well just lie here. Alone with my thoughts again. Usually I'm able to figure things out when I'm left to think. It's great for me. As I'm lying here, simply thinking, I do, in fact, learn something but…

Oh no.

Fuck. 

It's not like I'm unfamiliar with liking guys. No. It's not that. It's just that it's Evan! I've only really been his friend for a little while and I've already developed a crush! It's crazy! We've also already established he likes Zoe. The proof is folded up in my pocket. If that crush sticks, then I don't have a chance at all. But if it doesn't then I might have a chance. I'm pretty hot. Now I just sound like a narcissist. Does Evan even like guys? That's a question that needs to be answered before anything else. Even if he did, would he even like me in that way?

With the knowledge of this newfound crush, my mind immediately comes up with erotic fantasies that will likely never be fulfilled. I sit up as I try to clear my head. My face feels red-hot. 

My door handle opens. Zoe. What does she want at this time? Why didn't she knock first?

“What do you want? Fuck off!” I have to say in a sort of shout-whisper.

“Wow. I don't know why I ever thought I'd be able to talk to you,” she mutters.

“Answer the question!”

“I want to call a truce. A deal between siblings.” She sits next to me on my bed. 

I'm immediately suspicious. Neither of us have tried to have a civilised conversation for a few years now. 

“For what reason?” I ask after studying her face for any sign of something malicious.

“You've had something on your mind lately,” Zoe states, pretty much out of the blue.

“That's completely unrelated!” 

“It isn't, actually. I'm going to find out what this is, whether it's the last thing I do.” Zoe stands up, heading towards my door.

“What? So, it's not a truce you want. You just want to know more about things I’d tell you if I wanted to.” I toss a book at her. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, not that it really matters what book it is.

She dodges my throw. 

“You could've just told me to go before!” 

“I did. You didn't listen. Now, shoo!”

She sighs, annoyed at me for being difficult when she just wants to know why I've seemingly been better for the past two days, before she closes the door. Zoe opens the door once again to tell me, “Oh yeah! You should probably get ready soon if you don't wanna be late!”

I grab another book off of the floor, White Fang, to launch at her but by the time I throw it, it only hits the door. I groan as I fall back onto my bed, though I sit back up when I actually process what Zoe’s just told me. 

I go through my morning routine: getting clothes on, breakfast (which I skipped this morning), brushing my teeth, leaving the house. 

I walk down the path with my hood up. Of course, I'm walking in silence but I don't even bother to think about anything. I'm too busy watching out for anyone from school. I don't like being spotted outside of school. 

Once I arrive at the school gates, I try to avoid having to look for Evan. I don't want any feelings I have to interfere with a genuine friendship. Instead of me finding Evan, or him finding me, Jared Kleinman tracks me down. 

“What do you think you're doing?” 

“Your friends with Evan, right?” he asks, completely ignoring my own question. 

“I am. Why?”

“No reason. Just wondering.” He tries to make it seem like he had no reason to talk to me. 

“I can tell you have a reason. Come on. Tell me.”

He leans back into nothingness even though I haven't gone up into his face. It's likely instinct for anyone being confronted by me. He stands straight up again once he realises I've stayed in the same position as before. 

“He's also, technically, my friend too. Doesn't that mean we could be friends?”

“Did you hit your head on a lamppost while you were walking to school this morning?”

“What? No!”

“Your idea is crazy. What do you want to try and befriend me for?” 

“No reason, man!” 

“Then leave me alone.” 

Jared is left shocked. Utterly speechless.

I sigh in annoyance as I walk away. I make my way to my locker to gather my things. Just random notebooks. I lean against the row of lockers, spinning a pen in my fingers, waiting for Evan.

“Hi!” 

I jump at the sudden sound of Evan’s voice. Pretty ironic. Getting scared by the person who has been surprised every time I appear.

“That was… unexpected.”

“What? Am I supposed to shout your name down the hall and end up humiliated?” 

“Well, I'm glad to see you anyway.”

Evan smiles and I smile back.

I'm still trying to figure out if I have the slightest chance in the world.

Chapter Text

Connor Murphy is feared by everyone at school but by some sort of miracle, I've befriended him. He's actually… nicer than anyone would think he is. I guess he has a habit of pushing people away. That may be the reason why everyone is scared of him. I know he would have had friends before but not for a while I imagine. It's a bit sad. Well, I guess my own situation is depressing too. All my life, I've been a barely-in-the-background sort of guy. The only friend I've had in high school until now was Jared… Does he really count though? He only talks to me because my mom and his moms are all friends. 

It's still going to take some time to get used to Connor being nice to me. That's fine though. 

I fear I was wrong about liking Zoe. Maybe I was thinking of the wrong Murphy. Nevermind. It's stupid. I might not really like Zoe that way (well, at least not anymore) but I certainly don't like Connor like that. Surely not…

Moving past that, I'm just genuinely glad to have a friend! Like I said, I've been left on the sidelines for too long and now, finally, someone has noticed that I'm there!

Chapter Text

Me and Evan sort of hang around for a while, in awkward silence. I hadn't thought this would happen. Even if I can't think of anything to say, I'm sure Evan could think of something. That was when I remembered something.

“Hey, Evan. We might as well exchange numbers. Y’know, because that's what friends do.”

Because that's what friends do? What the fuck am I even saying. That statement is going to just bother me all day. 

Evan clearly thinks that the statement is as ridiculous as I think it is, because he starts laughing, but once he stops, he hands me his phone.

“There. Just put your number in.”

Once I'm done tapping in the number, I give Evan's phone back to him.

“Here you go. Now you can call me if you need my help with anything.”

“What? You think I'm helpless?” Evan's laughing again.

I shrug, trying to prevent myself from laughing too. “Maybe.” 

Evan shoves me jokingly and I shove him back. I was slightly worried about scaring him, considering what happened the first day of school, but he simply kept laughing. 

Because that's what friends do. Such a stupid thing to say. 

The dreaded noise of the bell sounding for the start of school causes me to flinch. It was unexpected.

“Anyway, I'll see you later, Hansen.”

With that, I make my way to my first class. With no distractions, I end up realising I could go for a smoke right now but it'll have to wait until I have a chance. 

Because that's what friends do.

Nothing truly notable happens the entire day until I get home. I decide it'll be better to just tell Zoe what she wants to know. I opened her door.

“Hey! Knock before opening the door! Have some decency!”

“Yeah, yeah. So, I made a friend.”

“What?”

“Ughh… This morning, when you wanted to know why I've been ‘better’, that's what it was.”

Zoe stops for a moment before falling back on her bed. 

“You? Made a friend? Funny joke, Connor.”

“Excuse me? What the fuck?”

She sits back up. “You're being… serious?”

“Yes! Jeez.”

“Who? Who is it?” she asks.

“Why would I tell you that?” I groan before saying, “Evan.”

“Last name being…?”

I cross my arms. “Hansen.”

“Wait! You're kidding, right? Evan Hansen? As in the kid you shoved the other day?” 

“Yes. Him.”

“Wha- How?”

I remain standing at Zoe's door as I explain how Evan decided to try to befriend me that day when I shoved him. I explained how I, at first, thought it was a stupid offer but eventually accepted it the next day.

“Wow,” Zoe says, once I've finished. “I didn't think it was possible for you to make friends after Miguel.”

"Fuck you.”

I go to leave Zoe's room but she prevents me from doing so. “I want to know one last thing before you go.”

“What is it?”

“Do you like him?”

“What sort of question is that?”

“When you were talking about him you went… all weird like you did when talking about Miguel.”

“You're crazy. I don't like Evan like that, alright?”

“Sure,” I hear her say as I leave. “Whatever you say.”

When I'm back in my own room, I lie back on my bed. At least I was able to be partly honest with Zoe.

I have a packet of cigarettes in my pocket. I take one of them out and open the window, leaning into the open air as I light the end of the cigarette. I'm interrupted by the small ding of a notification on my phone. I drop the cigarette out of the window, not bothering to put it out. I opened up my phone to see what it was. A message from an unknown number. It's only going to be Evan, so I immediately save the number.

Evan: Hi

You: hey 

Evan: What are you doing right now?

You: nothing

Evan: Sure. I believe you (not)

You: well i am doing nothing 

Evan: What were you doing before then?

You: why do you care

Evan: I give up then

You: cant believe you caved

Evan: I just didn't want to argue with you about it 

You: fair enough

want to meet up over the weekend

if you are free that is

Evan: I've to see my therapist on Saturday 

You: so saturday

therapy is bullshit

they just take your money

Evan: Yeah. I'll see you Saturday then

You: alright

wait

im changing your name

Tree Boy: What? No!

You: too late tree boy

Tree Boy: Is that who you saved me as?

You: yep

Tree Boy: No! Why Connor!?

You: i wish you could see how hard im laughing rn

Tree Boy: That's it

You: what

gonna change my name

Tree Boy: I was going to but I can't think of anything.

You: thats just too bad

Evan didn't respond after that. I just stayed there, lying on my bed. I hadn't really expected Evan to actually message me, so that all was a bit of a pleasant surprise. 

Because that's what friends do. I knew that would bother me.

Chapter Text

Sunday. The day that me and Evan agreed to meet up. I open my phone to message him again.

You: so what time are we meeting up

and where

Tree Boy: Well I'm good at 1:00

Maybe we could go to the orchard 

I don't know 

It's not like I have any better ideas

You: orchard at 1 then

Tree Boy: Oh yeah

You: what

Tree Boy: I still don't have a name for you

You: good talk

heh 

meeting tree boy at the orchard

Tree Boy: Shut up!

You: you shut up tree boy 

Evan remained silent after that. No reply. There was no comeback that could combat my own message.

thats what i thought 

anyway

want me to collect you from your house 

Tree Boy: Sure

You: right

An hour after I had my lunch, I started up my car and drove down to Evan's house. Once I had got him, I drove down to the orchard. It was actually a good idea on Evan’s part. The orchard is a pretty open space, though there isn't that much to do apart from climbing trees. Due to Evan breaking his arm, he wouldn't be able to. Not that he'd want to, since that's how he broke his arm in the first place.

I stopped the car, overlapping slightly on the grass. The orchard stretched out in front of us. An open field framed with trees. It's a bit of an overwhelming sight. 

“Wasn't there that ice cream place up here?” Evan says, scaring me slightly after the silence of the drive here.

“There is. À La Mode.”

We get our ice cream and continue on into the field. That's when Evan actually gets a conversation started. 

“So, is there anything you'd like to do when you get out of school?”

“Well, I never really thought that far into the future.” It's because I never thought I'd be alive for long enough to do anything interesting.

“Really? I'll just go first then. I thought maybe I could bike the Appalachian Trail or possibly write a book. I don't know.”

If I recall correctly, they don't allow bikes on the Appalachian Trail. “Is that all you got?”

“Yeah.”

“Right. It might be possible for me to learn how to sail. Wouldn't that be cool?”

“Sure. But it's still boring compared to what I said.”

We continue walking, before stopping in front of a tree. I laid my ice cream beside me. Looking around, I notice how the trees appear shorter than I remember them. I guess that's the illusion of time. My family and I used to go here all the time. Of course, that was when I was a lot younger, before I had been dubbed a problem child.

My gaze eventually locks on the tallest tree in the field. Before I'm able to think about it, I'm sprinting across the orchard and Evan's calling for me. I do a lot of things without thinking. 

Once I've arrived at the tree, I stop to catch my breath for a mere second before clawing my way up the tree. I reach the first branch after a minute. Evan is still calling my name, having completely abandoned our ice cream.

“Connor! What are you doing!?”

“What do you think I'm doing, dumbass?” I call down to him.

I turn back around to continue climbing up the tree. Before I know it, I'm about ten feet away from the ground. Still, there is a lot of the tree to go up, so I continue climbing.

“Connor!”

I look down, now being 20 feet in the air, and Evan has started climbing up the tree after me. It's funny watching him struggle with his broken arm.

One foot after the other. One branch then to another. Eventually, I find myself near enough at the top of the tree. This is almost as overwhelming as the field from on the ground. I hear the cracking noise of wood and turn to look beside me, where Evan is, the branch snapping beneath him. I instinctively grab him by his wrists and pull him up onto the branch where I am sitting. Luckily, it seems sturdy enough to support us both.

Evan is breathing heavily, likely shocked from the last few seconds. The branch snapping under his weight. Me pulling him up to save him. The thud of the branch Evan was on moments before falling on the ground can be heard from down below. 

“Wow…” Evan says, once he's caught his breath.

“If I didn't save you, your other arm probably would have been broken by now.”

“Way to look on the bright side, Connor,” Evan laughs. 

I'm focused on the field below. The people look… like ants. This is amazing. Being so close to the sky. Watching the world pass by in the world beneath us.

“So this is what you were trying to achieve when you climbed that tree before, huh?”

Evan’s expression turns solemn. “Yeah. Let's just say that.”

I can tell there's more to it than that but I'm not sure if it would be appropriate to try and talk about it.

I look back over to the spot where we had sat before. Crows. 

“Birds are stealing our ice cream,” I say, being extremely blunt about it.

“What?” Evan turns around to where I'm looking. “Oh, god.” 

He begins climbing down the tree and I follow after him. I get to the bottom before him but I stop at the bottom, while Evan immediately runs to the tree where we had laid our ice cream. He waves his arms wildly, which does end up scaring the birds, but he still looks stupid doing it. When I reach the spot under the tree, I'm still laughing from watching him scare away the birds.

“What? Why are you laughing?” Evan asks, starting to laugh too.

“I'm laughing at you. You looked like a lunatic waving your arms about.”

“I should have known.” Evan still continues laughing, even though he's the butt of the joke.

Chapter Text

It's been a month since I went to the orchard with Evan and, well, I still haven't worked up the courage to say anything. Don't get me wrong, me and Evan have remained good friends but I always have to deal with that weight. A month since then also means it's late October. The next few days will be spent not getting invited to Halloween parties. Just great. I've dealt with it for years before, but that was when I was younger and still went trick or treating. In high school, if you're popular enough, you get invited to parties. If you aren't popular then you get discarded. Left to spend the night alone…

That's fine. I couldn't care less. I know that Evan will likely suffer a similar fate on the 31st. We can just spend the night together. Maybe watch a horror movie or something. 

I'm tapping my finger against the table. Evan is sitting across from me, still eating his lunch.

“I need to figure out why I overreact so much. I get angry at the tiniest things.”

Evan has become used to me saying stuff like that completely unprompted. “Maybe it's because you're pretty much always high,” he jokes.

“Hey! Besides, it isn't that. This isn't a drug problem. This has been a problem my entire life.”

“Well, I've not really got any idea how to help other than…”

“Other than what?”

“Therapy.” I must've looked at him as if he were crazy. “I know. You don't exactly have the best opinion on therapy but Dr Sherman has helped me a bit. I've made a friend.”

“Sure but what proof is there that therapy helped with that?”

“There isn't. I'm sure that that's what helped me, even if only slightly.”

I pause as I think about what Evan's just said.

“Even if I wanted that sort of help, it's not like my dad would allow my mom to waste money on me.”

Evan sighs, falling face first onto the table. “If you say so.”

I stand up, ready to leave the cafeteria. “Welp. I'm going.”

Evan sits back up. “Alright. I still think you should try and talk to someone other than me about your problems.”

“Before I go, I'm assuming you're free on Halloween?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I just thought we could hang out.”

“Yeah! I mean, sure?”

I laugh slightly at how unsure Evan sounds. “Alright, man.”

That's when I leave.

Decorations line the halls. Skeletons, vampires, and werewolves made out of paper are suspended in the air by cheap string. Paper lanterns in the shape of pumpkins sit in corners. Small silhouettes of bats, witches, and black cats are stuck on the wall. I don't know why they make such a big deal out of it at school, especially high school. We're older now. The majority of us don't go trick or treating anymore. I like Halloween but it doesn't need this sort of attention from the staff.

“Did Alana invite you to her Halloween party yet?” Jared asks from behind me.

I turn around.

Yet? What does he mean yet?

“What are you talking about?”

“Alana meant to invite you and Evan to her Halloween party. Here. Just give Evan his when you next see him.”

I stare at the two cards in Jared's hand. I can hardly believe it. I take them, still in shock.

“Thanks,” I say before walking away. 

This is crazy! Is Alana crazy if something? Why would she invite me, Connor ‘lashing out at the drop of a hat’ Murphy, to her party? And Evan. Evan is usually forgotten by everyone. How did he manage to make the list.

I decide not to wait one more moment to tell Evan. This is big news after all.

You: jared just gave me invitations to that halloween party

Tree Boy: What!?

You: yep

i know 

crazy 

Tree Boy: How? Surely this is a mistake

I took the invitations out of my pocket. I looked carefully all over them. Both instances of our names on each one said the same thing. Evan’s invitation had Evan written twice on it, once on one side, the other one on the other side. Mine also had Connor written once on one side, once on the other.

nope

they have our names on them

Tree Boy: Wrong Evan and Connor then?

You: you are just looking for excuses

no

they have our full names on them

Tree Boy: Really?

I can't believe we actually got invited to that

You: i was surprised too

I'm still in complete shock. I swear I'm dreaming but nothing really crazy has happened yet. The bats on the wall haven't come to life. No other typical dream stuff has happened either. I think it's safe to say that I'm not dreaming. I guess this means I actually have a good plan for Halloween this year.

I check the invitation again for more information. Costume party. Alright then. I know what I could go as.

Chapter Text

I hear a knock on my door and, without letting me answer, my mother comes into the room. I sit up on my bed as she sits down beside me.

I look my mom up and down before asking, “What is it?” 

“I just wanted to check up on you, Connor. We haven't been able to talk about how you've been doing for a while.”

“Right.” I keep my eyes fixed on the ground.

“That means I want you to tell me what you've been up to.”

I sigh in pure irritation. “Fine. Well, I guess I've been smoking less.” 

My mom's mood actually seems to be a bit better upon hearing this. “Any reason why?” 

“I made a friend,” I reply simply. There isn't any point trying to hide anything from my mom anymore.

“That's good, honey. I'm glad you've been able to find a friend, especially considering how you've been struggling socially.”

I nod, genuinely agreeing with her. “Yeah. That is good, isn't it?”

“Exactly. Did anything else interesting happen?”

“Yes.” I drag the invitation out of my pocket. “I got invited to a Halloween party.”

My mom studies the card for a few seconds before facing me again. “Isn't this the same one Zoe is going to?”

“I think it is. That isn't important. I just need something to actually wear.”

“I can look up in the attic for you, if you'd like.”

“Sure. I already know what I'm looking for anyway.”

My mom nods, standing up to leave my room. I follow her.

We search through various boxes for costume items. I toss a fairy wand to the side. It was probably one of Zoe's costumes from a previous year. I can't be bothered to rake my brain for the actual year that wand was used or who it was used for. 

I continue to look through the box, eventually coming across a massive cape. Exactly what I need! The material was silky. The top side of it was jet-black, meanwhile the underside was a sort of maroon. 

“Hey!” I call to my mom, who is digging through boxes on the other end of the attic. “Look what I found!” I hold up the cape for her to see.

She looks up from what she is doing to see what I am presenting to her. “That's good. Just wash it when we get back down.” And she's back to looking through the box. 

I'm aware I've left it a mystery what I plan to go as but if the cape isn't enough of a clue, my plan was to go as a vampire. I couldn't really think of much better.

After a few minutes of me continuing to root around in the box, my mom throws a set of plastic fangs to my side of the attic. I stop looking through the box to look at the teeth. I doubt they'd still fit in my mouth but I'd have to clean them out before I tried. 

“Do you know if Larry’s got a shirt I could borrow?”

My mom shakes her head because of me insisting on calling my father “Larry” rather than “Dad”.

“He might do.” She calls down to him through the trap door. “Larry, honey, do you have a spare shirt Connor could use?”

My dad calls right back at my mom. “What does he need it for?”

“A Halloween party.”

“Alright.” I can tell that he's skeptical from the tone of his voice. He eventually comes back with a shirt. Long sleeved. What I'd prefer anyway.

“Thanks,” I tell him as I drag the shirt into the attic.

My mom turns back to me. “Is that everything, then?”

“I think it is.”

I'm in my room trying to figure out what I could do with my hair. Sometimes I feel there's too much I know what to do with but it's not like I want to get rid of it. I like having long hair.

Zoe opens my door, not knocking, yet again. 

“Knock next time,” I say, not looking up from what I'm doing.

“So what are you planning on going as?”

I roll my eyes. “A vampire.”

“You're as pale as one.”

“Thanks, Zoe. I really needed that comment.”

“Just try not to get in my way at the party. I don't need you ruining things for me.” I hear a small “like you always do” said under Zoe's breath.

She leaves my room, leaving me still stuck on what to do with my hair. This is stupid. In the end, I decide not to do anything with it. I'll just let it fall onto my shoulders in the way it normally does. Nothing interesting.

Chapter Text

People do stupid things when they're drunk, right? You know, have sex, confess feelings, that sort of stuff. I guess what I did could be put under that category. I feel so incredibly… idiotic? Is that how I feel? I don't even know anymore.

What did I do? Well… I don't want to go into depth right now. Let's just see what happened leading up to me being drunk in the first place.

Alana’s Halloween party is coming up. I'm panicking. It completely slipped my mind that I would need to find a costume. In the end, I ask my mom about it at the last minute.

“Hey? Do we have any Halloween costumes?”

My mom turns to me, curious. “Why do you ask, honey?”

“I… got invited to a Halloween party.”

“That's good. I see you're finally putting yourself out there!” 

“I guess I am.” I haven't even told her, or Dr. Sherman for that matter, that I've found a friend in Connor Murphy. It's still crazy to me. The school's public enemy number one - my friend.

“If you're going to this party, just make sure you don't do anything irresponsible.”

“I won't.” Really kept that promise, Evan.

“Good.” My mom disappears to look for something for me to wear.

It seems this party is going to be the highlight of my senior year. That's one way to put it… Highlight. Sure.

My mom eventually returns with a cheap vampire costume, probably from a dollar store.

“Thanks,” I say as I take it from her.

The party is next night. The one thing I'm looking forward to. I regret looking forward to it now… It was a waste of excitement.

Chapter Text

Alana's Halloween party. The date that everyone invited has been looking forward to. I'm almost indifferent to it. My reaction to most things. Aloof. Like a cat, Zoe says sometimes. Multiple times I've been compared to a cat by her. Specifically a stray. Why? Ask her. My often unkempt hair? I think she means more so in personality than appearance. My tendency to be aggressive to those I'm not comfortable around, which would be most people? Maybe.

I look at myself in the mirror. I'm ready for this. An opportunity to put myself out there. Have an influence. Be important.

This is the kind of thing Evan would write in one of his letters. I take the letter I found in the printer on the first day of senior year. I like to keep it on me most of the time. Sort of like a good luck charm. I read through it. 

There are two ways you can read it: from Evan's perspective, like it's intended to be read, or from my perspective, how it's not intended. Honestly, I prefer the latter. Evan's perspective comes off as creepy. Mine makes it seem like I actually care about my sister, which I do, despite how distant we've become in recent years. I'll still have to rely on her for driving me places if neither of my parents will. When I used the car to get to the orchard, I had said nothing. If I did, I wouldn't have been trusted to drive the car and my parents would have to know where I was going.

Back to the letter.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Typical way to start a letter. Dear is almost mandatory. And then the name so that the person reading knows who it's for. In this case that would be Evan, since he had been writing to himself. I skip to the last paragraph, the one I find to be most relatable.

I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered, to anyone. I mean, let's face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow.

Well, fear not, Evan! I am going to be a part of something and so are you! A Halloween party. That's the something you're going to be a part of.

I put the letter back into my pocket. I find myself thinking a lot about what might've happened if I had disappeared that day. If I had actually… you know. This would have been in my pocket. Would it have been found? Who knows. If it had been, it could easily be mistaken for something I wrote. Like a suicide note! To Evan. From me. Crazy. I don't think about the circumstances too much. It's not like they actually happened.

I've finished getting ready, which means it's time to get going. I sigh, annoyed, because I know Zoe will have to drive me. Getting driven around by your younger sister. Pathetic.

I get into the passenger side of her car. All I do the entire short journey is stare out of the window, not at anything in particular just the outside world. Zoe doesn't even bother trying to talk to me.

Once we arrive at Alana's house, Zoe stops me at the door. 

“Remember what I said? Don't. Bother. Me.”

“Got it.” I shoot at her with awkward finger guns. I take a deep breath as I enter the house.

Loads of people are already here. I scan the crowd for Evan, but there doesn't appear to be any sign of him. The amount of people is… overwhelming. I can tell already that there are still many others to come. From what I can see, some of my peers have already gotten drunk, some are high or even both. Some couples are making out. Great. Good for them, I guess. Drinks are spilled on the floor, mostly beer. The punch bowl is half empty. It was probably spiked. That's one explanation for so many people under the influence. There's not many decorations for a Halloween party. Or at least not the number I'd expect.

I sit on the couch as I wait for Evan. I text him just to make sure he's actually coming.

You: hey

are you coming to the party

Tree Boy: Yeah!

I'm on my way

You: good

i dont want to wait forever for you

So that confirms that he's coming. That fact actually cheers me up a little, though to everyone else I still must seem as angry as I am most of the time. Maybe they've noticed I've changed, even if only a little.

I notice a figure slink through the crowd. Evan!

He appears in front of me, slightly out of breath. That is actually the second thing I notice. The first is that he also decided to go as a vampire. Interesting coincidence. 

“Hey,” is all he's able to say between his panting.

I grab him by his shoulder, telling him to sit down as he catches his breath.

“I don't think I could've survived this without you,” I say once Evan’s breathing has returned to a normal level. I give a small piece of commentary in reference to Evan's costume. “You look stupid.” Blunt, I know but it's true.

“Yeah you're right. Your attempt at a vampire is far better than my own.”

“Of course it is.” I put on an almost fake superior attitude when saying this.

Evan laughs slightly at my admittedly dumb behaviour.

The two of us stare out into the crowd. Again, we are left on the sidelines, like we have been our entire lives. This time it doesn't feel too terrible. I have someone to be on the sidelines with. And this is also a party that we got invited to. Sure, a lot of people got invited but there were still some that didn't. Me and Evan managed to make it to the list of people who were worthy enough to be at this party.

Evan stands up but turns around for a minute to assure me that he's just getting a drink.

“That's fine by me. Just bring me something too!” I call to him as he walks away. Evan gives me a thumbs up, all I can see of him in the crowd.

He comes back a minute later with a red plastic cup for me.

“I already had one back at the table,” Evan explains, having prepared for a question I wasn't going to ask.

“Alright,” I say, taking the cup from Evan, downing it immediately. I didn't have anything at home, so I'm fairly thirsty. “Was that beer?”

“It's all they have, unless you wanted some punch that someone definitely put crack in.”

I shrug. “I guess that's fair.”

If I end up drunk, I’m not blaming anyone but myself for not getting something to drink before I left. I should've predicted that this party wouldn't have anything to drink other than alcoholic drinks and definitely spiked punch.

Chapter Text

Soon. It's coming up. My humiliation. Wait for it. I'm sure it'll live up to your predictions.

Me and Evan end up having to drink beer and nothing else. Neither of us want to be high from the punch. There are a few snacks on the table. Pizza. A bowl of chips. That's it really. I did grab two slices of pizza at one point. One for me. The other for Evan.

“What are we even supposed to do?” Evan asks, me gesturing to the crowd in front of us.

“Socialize? Talk to people? Why are you even asking me? I'm the last person you should ask that question to.”

“You are the only person I can ask that question to.”

“Jared?”

“Nope. He’s just a jerk most of the time…”

“Fair.”

We continue sitting in silence, nothing to say. I walk out into the crowd. I know Zoe told me to leave her alone, but this is important.

“I thought I said to not bother me,” she tries to remind me once I find her amongst the giant group of my disguised classmates.

“I know. Well, I am so close to being drunk and I have no idea what to do.”

“You've been high enough. Surely it's not any different.”

“It is different. I'll lose all sense of rationality. And well…” I pull her away from her friends as I continue my sentence. “Evan's with me.”

“Are you admitting to being into him?”

“I guess I am but that's besides the point. I'm gonna end up doing something stupid. I'm on the edge of being drunk. This is not good.”

“Don't panic, Connor. Just don't drink any more if you are that worried.”

“Thanks.”

I navigate the dangerous crowd, trying my best to remain unseen. Around my peers, being careful to not knock anyone down accidentally.

I fall back down on the couch. 

“What did you disappear for?” Evan asks me, leaning slightly forwards to look at my face.

“It's not important.”

Evan doesn't pressure me into elaborating. He just returns to looking into the crowd, with a sort of longing. A longing for what? I mean, he has a friend (me) so that's probably not the issue. I wish I could be bothered to pay attention to where his eyes fall. Maybe that would be a way I could tell what he was looking for…

The massive crowd of people. I can hardly believe that Alana managed to get all these people to come. She's just as invisible as I am. Maybe it's because they were promised alcohol. It's a lot. Seeing all these people here, I mean. I don't even know what I'm looking at. Why did I even come? It's not like I truly know anyone here besides Connor. But other than talking to him, I can't figure out what I can do. He doesn't know either, so I guess that means that both of us are clueless.

I still haven't done anything stupid yet. That's good. That still doesn't mean I won't do anything stupid this entire time. We already know what happens…

Evan stops staring at our classmates and, instead, stares at the ground. The carpet, that her parents would have spent a lot of money on, was ruined. Someone is going to have to clean this up before Alana's parents get home. 

I look carefully at the specifics of the mess. Crumbs, even whole slices of pizza, have ended up on the floor. The carpet is soaked with spilled drinks. I feel bad for Alana, since she will probably have to clean this all up.

Evan, still not looking up for the ground, speaks up.

“Could we maybe go outside for a minute? For fresh air?”

“Yeah. Stay with me.”

I grab Evan by the wrist and drag him through the crowd. There are probably several reasons why Evan would want to be away from all this. The amount of people adds to the heat of the room. It may be cold outside but a lot of heat is still uncomfortable. Too many people in a room, even without considering the extra warmth thing, can be annoying.

It's just in my reach. My stupid, drunken mistake.

I lean my back against the wall, trying to catch my breath. Having to take another human being through a crowd is surprisingly tiring. Evan barely gives me a chance to breathe before…

His lips press into mine. In other words, Evan kissed me. I don't know what to do in this situation. He's definitely drunk. I stopped drinking a while ago but Evan still continued. What am I even supposed to do in this situation?

I pull away, just staring at him. Evan stares right back. We're both in shock about what he just did.

Yep. My stupid choice was to kiss Connor Murphy, infamously the most violent guy at our school. But I guess I didn't care about that under the influence of alcohol.Why did I miss him? I don't know! I was drunk! This seemingly small event led to a catastrophic chain reaction I could have never foreseen.

I lay down on the couch. What just… happened? Sure, I know I was kissed by my best friend but that's not why I'm confused. Why? He was drunk, I know that, but there has to be a deeper reason. 

I don't know how I would go about describing the weird expression I feel forming on my face. A sort of dazed delight? I don't know. 

Evan eventually appears from the crowd, parting it like the Red Sea. His face is panic-stricken, which passes over to me. Now, we're both panicked. Just great.

Evan sits down beside me, trying to calm down by simply breathing. He stops. Well, he doesn't stop breathing but he stops breathing in the way he was. He's just more relaxed now. He wraps his arms around me. Do I push him away? No. I just let him stay there. Still, I don't think about hugging him back.

The sound of the other people in the house seems to drown out. All I'm able to hear is Evan’s steady breathing. Almost steady. I guess he's still trying to get his breathing to a normal rate. Calm. A single word to describe this moment. As if all other noises have been muted. 

What do I think I'm doing? Hugging Connor Murphy? I'm crazy. I'm fully aware of that. I guess hugging is a bit less crazy than kissing him.

Chapter Text

He's fallen asleep at this point. That was some time ago. I can't pinpoint exactly when but I can guess. He's also pretty much on top of me. That was some time after he fell asleep. I was getting uncomfortable sitting up the entire time so I laid back and Evan ended up doing the same, unconsciously.

The room is much quieter than it was before. That's probably because the majority of people would have left by now. I can't spot Zoe in the small crowd. I guess she's already left along with mostly everyone else. That means I'll be walking home. Just great.

What am I supposed to do? I've got my best friend asleep on top of me and I don't even have my sister to talk to right now. Even if she was still here, I wouldn't be able to get to her without shouting her name across the room.

Speaking of which, even more people have left now. I'm easily able to spot Jared walking towards me (I'll admit, it took me a minute to realise it was Jared considering how his entire face is painted silver.) Alana follows behind him immediately after she notices he's moved. I'm guessing she plans to prevent him from saying anything stupid.

Jared sits on the arm of the sofa. “So… what happened here?”

“Why do you need to know?”

Alana finally arrives at this side of the room, placing her hand on the wall as she attempts to catch her breath.

“Don't… say… anything… stupid, Jared,” she manages to say in between her heavy breathing.

“I wasn't going to!” Jared tries to defend himself. Everyone here knows he was going to.

He looks back to me and Evan, sleeping on top of me. He thinks through his next statement for longer than he would normally think about anything he's going to say. 

“Yeah. I've got nothing,” he finally mutters out in the end. “Wait! This looks like the plot of an average fantasy romance novel aimed at young women.”

“What?” The realisation. “Jared, I swear to god!”

He feigns innocence by shrugging and saying nothing at all.

If it wasn't obvious, he was referring to the fact that both me and Evan came to this party as vampires.

“I thought I said not to say anything stupid?” Alana reminds Jared after a moment of silence, mourning the once calm atmosphere.

“I didn't! I was just making an observation!”

“Sure…”

Yet again, silence. Everyone else has left the party at this point, leaving just me, Alana, Jared and Evan.

“Are you not gonna wake him up?” Jared asks after what I'd guess was about a minute.

“Well… no.”

“Right.” After hearing my response, Jared takes it upon himself to try and wake Evan up. “Hey! Wake up!”

Evan doesn't even stir. Everyone in here could be screaming bloody murder and he’d still be sleeping.

“I give up,” Jared announces, after five minutes of shouting at Evan.

I know that both me and Evan are going to have to leave soon. I should probably try to wake him up myself now.

“C’mon. You've been asleep long enough.”

All three of us, Alana, Jared and I, are surprised that Evan wakes up because of me whispering rather than Jared shouting at the top of his lungs.

“Mm?” Evan sits up and, upon noticing Alana and Jared, gains full consciousness. He turns to them, sitting on the other side of the couch. “How long have you been standing there?” 

“About 15 minutes,” Jared replies.

“I'll- I'll go.”

Jared waves Evan goodbye in a sort of mocking way.

“Wait!” Evan stops in his tracks. “I might as well go home too.”

Evan and I leave the house together. 

“How much do they know?” Evan asks, fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt. “Alana and Jared?”

“Nothing. I didn't tell them anything.”

Then silence. Neither of us talked the entire way. Not even to figure out what any of what just happened meant. That's tomorrow's problem.

At a fork in the road, Evan turns away from the original path to the path towards his house. That leaves me standing on the street, the only sources of light being from a lamppost and the moon. 

I continue walking to my own house.

It's… a weird situation I've found myself in. I'm not sure how to take it all in. Why did Alana even allow herself to put alcoholic drinks out for the people coming? I've worked with her for school stuff and I know she's a rule follower (sometimes it gets a bit annoying but other times it might prove to come in handy.)

Why would Evan even kiss me in the first place? He likes Zoe, right? Not me. It's never been me and it never will be. Never in a million years. He likes my sister.

I laugh a little at the thought. In life you can either laugh or you cry. Really, I could do one or the other. Laughing’s better for you though. I must look like a maniac. Laughing at nothing.

I've stopped laughing. Tears begin to form in my eyes. I refuse to let them fall.

I watch as my feet walk up the path, to the front door, to my room. I slam the door out of habit.

I curl up on my bed. I’m not laughing or crying now. Nothing. My emotions are a mystery to the outside world.

It was short. The kiss. Short, yet… wonderful. I know that I like Evan in a way other than platonic but why does that moment that should only be making me feel pure joy making me feel conflicted? Crying. Laughing. What is wrong with me? I laugh at how pathetic I must seem.

I grab my phone out of my pocket.

Tree Boy: Doyou know how i cna get sober again

Dont worry i got it

You: right…

anyway we should probably talk about what happened tomorrow

I don't get a response. He's probably asleep. I googled his question myself. Going to sleep seemed to be the best answer.

Chapter Text

The next morning, I immediately open my phone, knowing that Evan would have gotten a chance to message me since I gave him enough time by sleeping in until 11 a.m.

Tree Boy: I'll meet you at the orchard

You: what time

Tree Boy: Right

Sorry

Does 2 o'clock work for you?

You: sure

I don't even know what I'm going to say when the topic comes up.

I spend the next three hours worrying about this question, trying to find an answer. I eventually give up.

As two o’clock approaches, threatening me with an awkward conversation that could only go one of two ways, I decide to actually ask if I can use the car for once.

“Hey.” My mom turns to me, pausing the obviously more pressing task of washing the dishes. “Could I use the car? I won't be long, I promise. I'm just meeting with a friend.”

My dad overhears from the dining room, where he's checking through his email. Why did he have to be off work today?

“A friend. You're always so vague.”

My mom calls to him from the kitchen sink. “Oh, Larry. He can tell us as much or as little as he wants.”

“I'm not allowed to speculate? Who knows what he could be hiding.”

“Larry! You should trust your son.”

“Has he ever earned my trust? He's been smoking… whatever. And you always refuse to notice!”

“Maybe he would open up to you more if you actually accepted that his problems are real instead of just a cry for attention. You always ignore it. That time he threatened to kill himself. You ignored it!”

This feels like my cue to leave. “Should I just take the keys or…?”

“Here.” My mom drops them into my hand.

I abandon my parents, leaving them alone to argue about me.

I arrive at the orchard. Evan's waiting for me at that same tree we had climbed a while back. 

We end up sitting there for a while talking about everything other than what we intended to. We just avoid the topic. 

After a silence of about a minute, Evan speaks up. Stands up, too, just to bring my attention to him.

“Remember what we were supposed to talk about? At the party when we… It's not a big deal. It meant nothing.”

I'm calm for a moment. My blood boils just slightly. Pent up anger from daily annoyances is just about to become too much for me to handle.

I stand up, right in front of Evan, as if this was a confrontation.

“Right. Still, that shouldn't have happened in the first place.”

“You're right. It was… stupid. I was drunk.”

“Neither of us should have ever been invited to that party.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You and me… we didn't even belong there. Both of us have always been ignored. It's just fate.”

“Things can change, Connor. And they have. They have changed. We both have a friend in each other.”

That. A nice statement. Why is that what causes me to snap?

“Of course. How could I be so idiotic? Both of us managed to make a friend. That doesn't matter anymore. You and I? Nothing. Evan and Connor? Why are they even friends? What do they have in common?”

Evan tries to speak up, actually come up with an answer to my rhetorical question. It's just too bad that I interrupted him before he even got a chance to voice his opinion.

“Nothing! That's the answer. These two shouldn't have found sanctuary in their friendship with the other. What in the world made you crazy enough to think that this would ever work, even just as a friendship?”

Evan has no words. I've stolen them from him.

“I'm a walking red flag. I'm not going to even try to list everything so obviously wrong with me because you already know. You just choose to ignore it.”

“I never ignored your issues!”

“Oh… now you have a voice.”

“I never ignored your issues,” Evan repeats, softer this time. “Why would you think I ignored them? I know what everyone else views you as. Some monster. The guy I know isn't that. He's funny. Creative. Charming.”

A nicer person. I guess that's always been what I've been to Evan. A nicer person than what everyone else thinks I am.

“Right. That's what everyone has always said. They try to bring up my spirits with empty compliments.”

“Goddammit, Connor! They're not empty! That’s just what everyone notices on the odd occasion you actually open up. That's something you need to learn. You need to learn to open up to more people.”

It's good advice. Open up to people. I wouldn't be surprised if it was something Evan wrote to himself in one of his letters once.

“That's another thing people always say to me,” I say, after another silence passes. “‘I wish you'd open up more, Connor. If you open up, you can earn the trust of others.’ Trust only gets you hurt. By trusting someone and allowing them to trust you, they can easily use it against you at any point. And also, by opening up, trusting someone, in the end they don't like you. They will hate you. All because you didn't tell them one small, unimportant thing.”

Again, I've left Evan silent. He just stands there. He doesn't even look like he's trying to feel sorry for me. He looks like he's sick of it. Sick of me.

I take the silence as an invitation to continue talking. But since I have nothing, I only walk away.

“Where are you going?” Evan shouts to me from across the field.

I turn back to face him. “Me and you? We're not friends anymore. You don't need to concern yourself with me.”

I continue walking away.

I get in the car. I'm angry. Angry at myself. What have I just done? Now I've got no one. Just great.

I should probably be driving home but I don't. I just drive wherever. No aim.

Heavy rain batters the windshield and the wipers swing back the same millisecond they've swung forth. I should have known it was going to rain. The clouds were grey even before I left the house.

I continue driving regardless.

How long can I drive before I need to get back home? Who knows. Forever seems like a plausible answer. Everyone might be better off without me.

I park the car outside a random 7-Eleven. I get out of the car and simply sit there on the trunk. At this point, I don't care about the fact that the rain will end up ruining my hair. 

I see a kid leave the 7-Eleven. He seems more concerned with his slurpee than trying to be a good person and talking to someone who’s by himself. Actually, I don't blame him. If you saw a complete stranger sitting on his car, alone, you'd probably think he was just waiting for a friend. I'd think the same.

I think over Evan and I’s “argument” (I don't really know what to call it but it sure wasn't a civil conversation). I already knew at what point things started going downhill but thinking about it now, it definitely hurts now more than it did then. 

Another notable moment was the compliments. Three words he used to describe me. Funny. Creative. Charming… I've been known to tell a few jokes. And a few of them I'm able to come up with all by myself. That's two birds with one stone. That just leaves “charming”. What am I supposed to think about that? Was it possible he was flirting with me? That can't be possible. The entire downfall of that conversation disproves that theory.

I think back to my parents just before I left. I guess history repeats itself.

I get back into the car after a full half hour of me watching people enter and leave the store sitting on that corner. My hair’s a mess at this point. Frizzy.