Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dazai Osamu has never been much for feelings, to him they just get in the way. There's no point in acting happy or sad when you could be active and productive, he's had that same mindset since he was a child, and he doubts it will ever change.

He sees the world in an amalgamation of greys instead of your stereotypical black and white. No human is truly evil and no human is truly good, everyone has something about them that brings out their humanity, good thing he's not human.

Dazai never believed he was deserving of that title, humans are compassionate, empathetic, loving and basically had everything Dazai didn't. On the logical side of things it's obvious Dazai is a human. He the has skin and bones of a human, the DNA of a human and the appearance of a human. No one would take a look at Dazai and decide that he wasn't human. But internally it was a very different story.

Dazai has never shown empathy, or, at least never remembered it. He didn't show it when his little brothers dog, "Rashomon", had died. He didn't show it when his mom left them, he didn't show it when his little brother was diagnosed with lung cancer, never.

He's observed humans for years and noticed the little quirks about them, the things that pique their interests, the things they like and dislike, their speech mannerisms, everything. With that, he has crafted a perfectly curated version of himself that people adore.

He had stolen things about his past friends. The interest of space, the panic attacks when things got too loud, the favorite colors and foods, the bands, the subcultures, even small patterns he would notice, the insecurities they tried to hide, the way they would tap their fingers on their leg to calm themselves down, he stole all of it. Just things that would make him seem more human, it was better that way, his facade wouldn't slip as easily if he made fake insecurities to shut people up. People get so uncomfortable when they bring up insecurities, so if he acts uncomfortable with them, they won't pry.

Oddly enough, the habit of being insecure about his face, something he had learned from the kid he pretended to like back in 8th grade, had stuck with him. Now every time he looks in the mirror he sees something hideous. Ironic, isn't it.

Outside of his house he's sarcastic, witty, funny and never takes anything seriously. People adore that, which is why he has so many people clinging onto him like they do. It's a mask he has created and would prefer to keep on since his reputation is so important, not to him of course, but to his father, Mori.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The house is as cold as it always is. The faint hum of the AC seems to be the only thing breaking the silence. Elise is out in the garden, doing God knows what, probably making some sort of “potion”, as she likes to call them. Dazai found it foolish, how his father allows her to put time into such trivial tasks when she could be studying or cleaning. That was all his childhood was anyways.

He sits on a cold wooden chair in front of his cold wooden desk against his cold wall, exhilarating, am I right? His lamp is the only thing illuminating the otherwise dark space. His desk is clean, pens and highlighters perfectly organized in rows from smallest to largest. The textbook is flipped open to page 307 which reviews advanced neurology, just as his father instructed.

His walls are bare. Unlike most people his age who's walls would be smothered with movie and band posters or even paintings, his walls were the same prison grey they had been since he moved in.

His room wasn't decorated at all, he had a white bed against the corner of his room, one white pillow, one grey bedspread and one metal bed frame with a desk across from it, where he was currently sitting.

His eyes feel like they are burning from exhaustion. Every blink is a short release but every close of the eyes is an escape into something he is, currently, forbidden of.

He hadn't slept for what felt like days, and what probably was for days. Mori enjoys seeing him like this, it "proves a strong will power" or something like that, but for Dazai all it felt like was a punishment.

His vision turns to the electric clock on his bedside table, reading 7:35. He'd promised Mori he'd stop at 8 and resume at 4 AM tomorrow morning, but the 30 more minutes feels impossible right now.

His handwriting becomes something of surgical precision to what you would expect of a fifth grader, maybe a sixth grader if you're feeling generous.

His dark brown bangs slowly fall down in front of his face, a strand of hair sticks to his forehead, how odd, he didn't even realize he was sweating.

He was jolted up right at the sound of a wild scream, it was most likely that Mori was trying to put Elise to bed, Elise had always been a brat when it comes to bed time, or any time in general. Kicking and flailing around when people try to get her to do something as simple as taking a shower, eating food when she didn't want to, getting her inside and, of course, getting her to bed. However what Dazai had always found peculiar was how Mori never seemed angry at this. He wouldn't yell or hit, he would just gently talk Elise down from the edge instead of screaming to push her off himself, which was the approach he did with the rest of Dazai siblings (as well as himself).

Dazai feels the vibration of his phone on his lap, then another, then another to the point its gotten annoying

He pushes the chair back which makes a loud screeching noise as the woods rub against each other. The soles of his shoes tap across the floor as he makes his way to the bathroom, (which happens to be only a few feet away from his room, thankfully) and of course, not forgetting to bring his phone along with him.

He gently closes the door and sits down on the closed toilet seat, this is one of the only times he can have a break, if Mori sees him in his room, slacking off on his phone, no doubt he'll take if away, however when Mori sees the bathroom door closed he'll probably just assume Dazai's taking a shit or something.

He turns on his phone and puts in his passcode, his own birthday, predictable, I know. He doesn't mind though, he can remember it and there's not much he's doing on his phone anyway.

He opens the new messages from Yosano,

Akiko: hey daz
Akiko: osaaaaa
Akiko: Ranpo misses you
Akiko: and so do i

Akiko: do u wanna com over 2nite?

Yosano akiko and Ranpo Edogawa are dazai's cousins, sort of, it's complicated. Basically when Dazai was young Mori was friends with a man named Fukuzawa who happened to be Yosano and Ranpo’s father, they had a big fight that seemed more like a breakup than a disagreement between friends but Dazai wasn't the most trusted source on the matter anyways. When Mori and Fukuzawa would have their “meetings”, which definitely wasn't them hooking up, Dazai and Elise would spend the day at Yosano and ranpos house while his other little siblings, Ryūnosuke and Gin would spend the day with his older brother, Oda, who had already moved out.

Yosano and Ranpo ended up getting along with Dazai and they turned out to be some sort of trio. Now years later, against Dazai's will, they still bother him daily.

Dazai let's out a small huff of air, not quite enough to be a sigh but let's just call it that for now. He replies back with the least-rude message he could come up with

Dazai: No, thanks. Mori needs studying so senior year will come easily.

Dazai watches as ‘Delivered’ becomes ‘read’ becomes

Akiko: your dad sucks lol
Akiko: Tmr??

Dazai sighs again, a bit louder this time. He doesn't have energy for this. He shuts his phone off and walks to the mirror.

He looks like shit, to say the least. His eyes are more sunken in than usual, he's sweating a bit and he looks skinnier too.

He's been skipping meals more frequently, now that his little siblings have gone off to live with Oda and it's only him, Elise and Mori he sees no point in family activities such as dinner. He would rather not have Mori interrogating him about subjects he already knows about. And it doesn't help that every food has been looking disgusting to him.

He's tried to eat in the past few days, he really has but it's hard when the moment the food touches his lips he feels the urge to gag

His acne has been getting worse since he keeps picking at his skin. He never had problems with acne before but last year and this year it's become more of a problem. It's odd, he washes his face regularly and yet they still come. He's seen that they can be caused by stress but he doubts that's why, he isn't even that stressed, he doesn't think.

He takes a small bottle of the new face wash he bought and a cotton-pad-thing, (he didn't pay attention to the names of stuff) to apply it to his face before dumping it in the trash and walking back to his quiet, small bedroom

He sits back down on his cold wooden chair and leans his arms on his cold wooden desk pressed against his cold wall.

Dazai Osamu is not ready for this year. He's not ready to pretend to be happy and to start up a new reputation.

He's not ready to be a teacher's pet and act all goody-two-shoes when in reality he's waiting for enough alone time to blow his head off, or take enough pills to shut his system down, or slice his throat and bleed out, he's really not picky. He just craves an end to this trivial existence.

He leans back down and stares at the words that seem to be shifting on the page, mixing and moving together until the familiar text becomes a big blob of dark greys.

God, how he hates this. Hopefully he'll find an escape soon enough, and by ‘escape’ he means death.

Did he mention how he's never been one for feelings?

Chapter Text

Much to Dazai's dismay, it was the first day of senior year.

Dazai had been attending the same school district since kindergarten. He knew basically every student and teacher, even if he didn't get along with most.

Dazai had a love-hate relationship with school. On one hand it gave a steady routine and a reason for him to leave the house, leave Mori.

However on the other hand he has to sit in a stuffy room with about 30 of his peers and is forced into social interaction.

Sadly, he had no choice in the matter, it was school, and he was Mori's little prodigy.

Oda had disobeyed his fathers wishes of becoming something successful such as a doctor or a lawyer, instead he works part time at an orphanage and takes in foster kids, so now Mori is obsessed with making Dazai into his perfect prodigy.

He didn't despise it, it came with perks.

Praise from teachers and classmates, teachers usually wouldn't imagine the smart kid was trying to blow his head off so it helps with getting them off his back.

He can always blame the urges as “just another bad day”, the scratching of the bandages as “I'm stressed for the next test” and being able to easily guess what the teacher wants for an answer when all he's focused on during the lecture is mulling of every possible way to kill himself.

Maybe this year, maybe the next, he couldn't tell. But for now he would give in to the normality of routines, even if that comes with no social life or joy in the process, it's not like he deserves most of that in the first place, Mori has ingrained that since the day he was born.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first feeling Dazai wakes up to is the familiar coldness of his house and the annoying ringing of his alarm, the second this is absolute dread.

His arms stiffly move to wipe the crust from his eyes, ew.

He stretches his arms above his head to hear the familiar pops in his bones, then does the same with his legs, then his hands.

His room is still dark, he usually sets his alarm for 4 AM since it takes him a while to get out of bed anyways. Today is definitely one of those cases

His mind wants to move, to get dressed and head out to the bus before he's late but his body feels completely stiff and locked up, everything hurts.

His alarm feels more of a background noise by now, it's probably waking Elise up, he should stop it, he really should, Mori would get mad, he needs to get up. He's being a lazy piece of shit, it's not that hard to get up. Just do it.

His arm aches under his bandages as blood slowly stains them

Get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

He hears the familiar click of his bedroom door opening. In steps his father.

How would Dazai describe his father? Well, he's tall, pale, he has longer hair (for a man at least) that is usually pulled up into a bun. He has dark eyes and he's usually mad about something, unless he's with Elise, of course.

The taller man slowly walks to Dazai alarm and swipes his wrinkly finger across the screen to silence it

“Osamu.” The man speaks, his name sounds like filth on his fathers tongue.

Dazai slowly rises up “Father…” he speaks quietly, just barely above a whisper.

“Mind explaining to me why I heard your alarm blaring for eleven continuous minutes?” He asks, of course not a real question. If Dazai were to answer it like a real question he would get slapped, he knows that all too well.

“I'm sorry sir, my-” he pauses, his father would assume he's making up excuses again, “I slept through it.”

Mori wouldn't care to hear about how his body locked up entirely, he wouldn't care to know about how Dazai felt like he was experiencing sleep paralysis, he wouldn't care about any of it.

The response was immediate. A slap across the face, not that hard, at least not as hard as usual. Just a slight sting and the chance of a mark, compared to the other things he's experienced this feels like a reward.

“Next time I won't be so lenient. Do you understand?” another rhetorical question. He's noticed Mori enjoys speaking with those, those and cryptic riddles that he has to figure out unless he wants another slap.

“Yes sir.” He sits up right on his bed, his feet touching the hardwood floor, facing Mori. His hands were curled up into fists on his thighs, grabbing at the fabric of his pants.

He didn't look up to meet his fathers gaze when he heard the click of his light switch, immediately having to close his eyes as they got used to the sudden brightness.

He didn't look up but when he heard the click of his father's shoes leaving his room he could feel his muscles relaxing.

His weight shifted to his legs as he dragged himself to his closet. He hadn't laid out his uniform the night before, he never had, never understood the point of it.

His dress code was what every other dress code in Japan looked like, a simple gakuran. He didn't have an opinion on it, it made him look a bit blocky but that's besides the point.

As he threw off his shirt from the night before he couldn't help but stare at his own stomach. He had no muscles at all, anything but. His stomach caved inward, exposing his ribcage a noticeable amount. There were cuts on his chest as well, those were also hidden by, thankfully clean enough bandages.

His arm bandages, however, we're slowly getting more stained by the second.

He unwrapped his bandages slowly, the scabs which had healed under it being torn off which made Dazai wince slightly. He could tell what cuts were bleeding, the newest ones he had added because of all the noise in his head. Okay, maybe he was stressed. But only a little.

He opened his drawer to find a few bundles of bandages and a razor which was broken off of a pencil sharper next to some pants, he only had five pairs of pants anyways, for every day of the week.

He subconsciously grabbed the razor first, even if he was looking for the bandages it just came as a natural response. A habit.

He messed up this morning though. Made Mori mad again by being an attention seeking little bitch. Honestly it wasn't that hard to just move his muscles.

The blade was thin between his hands, it no longer shined against the light, it was stained in blood, a rusty color after it dried. Dazai had always liked the color of rusted blood, he couldn't describe it but something about its familiarity brought Dazai comfort.

He brings the blade up to his skin, there's no fresh areas to cut on his arms. He feels the pressure as he digs it into his arm and the burn as he slides it across his skin. Then the pleasant ache as blood begins to bead across the wound.

Dazai found it almost artistic, how his blood responds to the cuts and slashes.

Only one, he told himself as he slowly put the blade back, only one for disappointing Mori one time this morning, his hand reached for the bandages, the soft fabric touching his fingers was a feeling he couldn't quite describe. It's not all about the touch, no, it was never about the touch, it's about hiding something he knows brings him the most peace in this world while simultaneously knowing it's not healthy and he should be ashamed of it.

Perhaps regret would be a good way to describe it, however it doesn't carry as much weight as regret does.

It's like being gently scolded by someone you know isn't truly angry and that you will eventually make up with, it's not pain and agony, more so disappointment in oneself. Yeah. Something like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He managed to make it to the bus stop early, thankfully, got a good seat away from everybody and got in the building without being spotted by Yosano or Ranpo. But sadly that was when his luck ran out.

He had already received his schedule and locker number the day before, when they had done a tour for all the freshmen as well as the other grades that wanted to find where their classes and locker was early, of which Dazai happened to be one of those people.

He had remembered his locker combination and thankfully gotten it on his first try, opening it up and putting his backpack in, which he didn't find necessary since he only kept his phone in anyways but that's besides the point.

The moment he slammed his locker door shut he found himself face to face with both his mortal enemies. His cousins.

“hey osamuuuu” Yosano grinned as she dragged out his name in sing-song form.

Dazai had glared at her to try and convey he wasn't in the mood but to no avail.

“You should totally join us at the welcoming party this year, and I know that you think it's pointless and how you already know everyone here-”

“Good.” Dazai interrupted her “then you won't need to hear my explanation for the third year in a row.”

“Pleaseeee, you could meet someone you actually click with and like!” Yosano pleaded as she grabbed onto her cousin's arm, Dazai attempted to push her off but she just clung on harder. “You could meet a cute girl, or guy, depends on what you're into”

“He's bisexual” Ranpo chimed in for the first time this conversation

“First of all, get off. Second of all, I'm not bisexual.” Dazai attempted to deal with both of them at the same time, bad idea.

“Not yet you aren't.” Ranpo gave him this knowing glance which made Dazai roll his eyes but not press any further.

Ranpo always knew, Dazai had to figure that out the hard way.

Every one of Ranpo's predictions had come true. At first it was small, predictable things, him getting a 100 on a test, a student or teacher being absent, but when Ranpo accurately predicted his little brothers lung cancer when he had shown no signs before his diagnoses, Dazai had learned to listen to Ranpo, even if most of the things he said were to just boost his own ego.

Dazai let out a small huff of air before turning around to walk to his class, the Hall was crowded with students of all kinds, most of them looked the same, brown or black hair, occasionally blonde. The same uniform that made them all blend together into some odd blur that seemed to be moving against itself, however something, or someone in the crowd caught Dazai eye which was, by the way, extremely unusual.

The first thing he saw was red, no, orange, no strawberry blonde…maybe orange? Long strawberry blonde, orange-ish hair that reached down to the shoulder, tied into a small ponytail behind them.

Then it was the eyes.

One a striking blue, something Poseidon himself would envy and the other a deep brown that reminded him or dirt but in the best way fucking possible.

Then it was the face.

A sharp jawline with a chin that protrudes a bit, not too much, just enough. A small button nose and baby face cheeks that were dusted with freckles and plump, glossy lips that made Dazai throat close up. They were beautiful, no, beautiful isn't the right word. Ethereal. It took him a good few seconds to realize who he was staring at happened to be a man. It took him even longer to realize where he was and who he was with.

He turned around so swiftly it made a small screech as his inside shoes squeaked on the hard floors.

“Who is that?” he pointed to the person, man, girl maybe? He has just been staring at. His voice betraying him entirely by cracking at the last word and portraying his excitement far too much.

“Oh him? He's Chuuya Nakahara, the new kid that transferred from france”

“Chuuya” he whispered to himself, his name sounded so sweet on his tongue, he wanted to say it over and over again like a prayer. It suited him perfectly. And he's from France too, the city of love right? Maybe that was Italy, fuck he was forgetting if Italy was a place or if he was just tripping absolute balls right now on how beautiful this…boy was?

Damn. Ranpo was right. He was 100% bisexual. Maybe not even that, he has never felt this much attraction to another human, Chuuya-sexual? Yeah, probably, that makes sense. Definitely makes sense.

“Yeah, he's pretty popular, does track in the summer and basketball in the winter, has really good grades and already has a girlfriend”

Wait. Hold on.

What?

“What?” He repeated his own question about 7 times back in his own mind, then repeated what Yosano had told him about 1000 times back. He has a what?

“Yeah, this third year named Yuan, I've seen her up close and she's really pretty”

Dazai didn't pay attention to the rest of what Yosano was saying. He just met the love of his life and he already escaped his grasp. Great. Lovely. The best way he could have thought to start the year.

Just lovely.

Chapter Text

Dazai throat is dry. Like- dry as fuck. He needs water, or maybe the throat spray shit people use to give head.

Why is this happening? Is he dying?

He turns back to look at Chuuya who is currently surrounded by students of all grades, he feels his face flush up immediately. Yup. Definitely dying.

Yosano and Ranpo give each other a small look before Ranpo speaks up

“Ya knowww, Chuuya will probably be at the welcoming party.”

Dazai spins back around, once again, way too fast. “What? Why? Didn't you say he was a senior? Wait, is he a senior?”

Ranpo chuckles a bit while Yosano bursts out cackling.

“He IS a senior, Mr loverboy. But the freshman have been begging him to come to the welcoming party since he's just transferred, and since you're not the only one who wants to get in his pants.”

Dazai feels his face getting warmer. “I- no- I d- I dont-” his stutter is NOT helping him right now, neither is the voice crack on the first ‘i’, neither is his flushed face, SERIOUSLY WHY IS HIS FACE SO WARM??

“Mhm…” Ranpo leans against the lockers and takes out a sucker from his pocket, he seems to always have those. “And I don't like eating sweets.”

Dazais brain can't keep up with what Ranpo saying, all his brain IS doing is continuously presenting a slideshow of the redhead who apparently gave him a grade 3 fever.

“What?” Dazai whispers before he can stop himself

“I'm SAYING that that's bullshit. I've never seen someone so obviously in love.” Ranpo words are muttered and broken up by the sucker in his mouth but he somehow keeps that familiar cocky ass tone.

“... What?” Dazai asks once again. Real smooth. But no, what? Dazai has never felt love or happiness or joy, he doesn't deserve those emotions. This isn't love it's probably just- lust maybe? Yeah, not love. Love is too… Emotional. Too real.

Ranpo gives him a dirty look as Yosano wipes the tears from her eyes and stands up properly

“Sorry, that was so fucking funny oh my lord.”

“What's so funny about that?!” Dazai says a bit too loud but that's not important right now

“You realizing that you can feel love and getting all flustered was NOT on my bingo card for this school year." She pats him on the shoulder “you should totally convince your dad to let you go, you and Chuuya might be able to talk at the welcoming partyyyy” she drags out the last word with a sly ass grin.

Fuck.

FUCK.

Dazai suddenly wishes he was more popular, maybe joining the sports teams, what sports did he do again? Track and basketball? Should he join them? No… maybe?... No… it's a bad idea.

Maybe Chuuya wasn't even into guys, all he knows about Chuuya is how… odd… he looks and how he plays sports. That's not enough information, he should ask Ranpo, Ranpo always knows, right? Yeah.

…

The words won't come out of his mouth.

He's scared.

Okay, what the FUCK is happening?

Dazai has never been scared to ask for something, but his mouth is hung open like a fucking idiot waiting for words to come out. They just won't come (that's what she said), his jaw was starting to hurt (that's also what she said)

“If you're wondering if he's bi then that's too bad, you'll just have to find that out by yourself”

Dazai attempts to come up with a retort, his usual witty retort but his brain is going about 5 fps and all of those frames are just Chuuya.

He finally comes up with something but once the words fall from his mouth he hears the blare of the bell. He needs to get to homeroom. FUCK.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What was that?

He has repeated that same question over a thousand times in his mind. He's never acted like that? Like some fucking nerd ass bitch asking out his crush. Those were his cousins, he shouldn't get this nervous around them, he shouldn't be nervous at all!

But suddenly the words feel like lumps in his throat and he's sweaty and- WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK

Chuuya. What did you do to him.

Is it like one of those old witch stories where you look at him and suddenly you break out in boils or something?

Maybe.

Yeah that makes sense.

A lot of sense.

The rest of his classes were just a repeat of homeroom. Some stupid ass slideshow about their daughters soccer games or their favorite vacation spots, Dazai cares about none of it.

When he hears that last bell for his last class he could feel his muscles tensing. He needs to ask Mori if he can go to the party.

What if during that, he and Chuuya bump into each other? What if they become friends? What if they have similar interests?

What are dazais interests again?

Well… There's neurology, Chuuya probably isn't into that.

Then there's… math…

And…

Oh yeah.

He doesn't have any interests.

He's a working machine.

Fuck.

He's been thinking that word a lot recently.

Chapter Text

The salty Yokohama breeze fills the air as the clouds begin filling in the once clear sky. It's a peaceful day, as peaceful as a day in a bustling city in Japan can be of course.

It is, however, not peaceful in the Fukuwaza household.

Dazai had managed to ‘convince’ Mori into letting him go to the welcoming party at the chance he might run into a certain redhead,

And by ‘convincing’ he means tricking him into thinking he was going to be studying with his cousins and getting Fukuwaza to lie for him.

Dazai went a bit early to get help from his cousins because, well, he's never gone to a party.

Pathetic, right?

He's a senior in high school who has never been to a party.

How pitiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I think the red suits him better.” Ranpo leans against the banister of his doorframe.

“Are you crazy? The black is way better.” Yosano sighs as she rests her head on the beanbag between her legs

Ranpo's clothes are currently sprawled out on his bed, since all Dazai has is one formal suit, two white tee-shirts, two pairs of grey sweatpants and the school uniform, he decided to be generous and lend Dazai some of his own clothes.

Are they extremely small? Yes.

Do any of them care?

…

No.

They had already decided on a pair of Yosano's black baggy jeans, and now they just need a shirt.

The current two that the siblings have been fighting over is a red button up with long sleeves and a black silk polo shirt

“red is way better, black just makes him look emo.” Ranpo's tone is condescending as always as he walks over to where Dazai is sat on his bed and throws the red button up in his face.

“Emo is his whole vibe though, the bandages, the eyebags, come on.-”

“Are you two not even gonna get my input on this?” Dazai interjects

“... Well, do you have any input anyways?” Ranpo leans against him, normally someone as light as Ranpo wouldn't do shit to people but Dazai feels like he's about to topple over, god he's weak.

“... No” he replies reluctantly while moving his arm to support him. He knows nothing about fashion. Seriously, nothing.

“Ranpo, think about it. Look at Dazai.” They both look him up and down, he's currently wearing one of his two, white shirts and the black jeans Yosano wanted him to wear.

“Ughhh fine. Just wear the black one.” That's Ranpo's way of saying, “yeah, sorry, you're right.”

He tosses the black one at Dazai and flops down onto his bed.

Ranpo and Yosano have been dressed since Dazai came to their house, which by now seems like hours ago, even if it was 30 minutes ago.

Ranpo was wearing a white polo shirt with a light brown cardigan and some black sweatpants without that little cuff thing sweatpants have, Ranpo cut it off to make them look better, the cutting job wasn't that good but if you just didn't pay attention to the bottoms it looked good.

Yosano was wearing a dark olive green silk tank top with lace at the top and dark greenish baggy jeans with a brown leather jacket and black platform boots.

They both looked really good and if Dazai said he was insecure standing next to both of them.

Well.

He was.

He stood up slowly so as to not trigger his low blood sugar and have him pass out in the middle of this small ass room.

Ranpo had a closet big enough for someone to stand in with a light so Dazai had just been changing in there.

He could hear the siblings arguing about God knows what. They never stop, do they?

He's always been insecure about his body, that's nothing new. He isn't some muscly gym bro, never had been.

He had a very small chubby phase in kindergarten to third grade, he wasn't even that fat, he just had some fat on his stomach, however he remembered absolutely hating it with every inch of his, at that point, very small body.

But now he's skinny. Too skinny. You can see his rib cage for fucks sake.

If Chuuya likes guys, would he prefer someone who's stronger?

Should he start working out?

He pulls the black silk over his skin, he always appreciated how silk feels on his skin. Light, airy, not suffocating.

He opens the door to see both siblings where they were when he left, just turned to face each other, arguing about something from pop culture, or possibly agreeing loudly, Dazai couldn't really tell the difference.

Yosano turns to look at him and she smiles a bit “wanna get some jewelry on ya?”

“Silver would look good” Ranpo adds while basically jumping off his bed and running to yosano's room, probably to get some jewelry

Yosano watches as he runs away and once his footsteps become quieter she asks “Do you have your ears pierced?”

“Uh… no” Dazai looks away, suddenly sheepish. Seriously, what's wrong with him lately?

Ranpo comes back with two chains, both with little clasps on them and without warning pulls Dazai's hair down, aka his way of asking Dazai to crouch.

Dazai feels the smaller chain being wrapped around his neck and once he hears the little click of the clasp he readjusts his posture and turns to look at himself in the large mirror Ranpo keeps inside of his closet…For some reason

Dazai doesn't look like himself at all. His usually greasy hair has been washed, to Yosano's demand. His acne scars have been covered up with yosano's concealer and the outfit makes him look… less depressed? He definitely looks more confident.

Ranpo hands him the second chain while he's admiring himself

“This one goes in the belt loops on your jeans” he explains and Dazai does as he says.

One more glance in the mirror and yup. He doesn't look like himself at all.

“Are we ready to go now?-”

“Dazai. Take out your contact lenses.”

Huh.

What an… odd request.

“What?” Dazai questions before a pair of his glasses that he left here was shoved into his face

Dazai had been leaving glasses here in case he loses a contact lens or they dry up, but his lenses are perfectly fine now so…?

“Glasses are by far the sluttiest thing a man can wear.” Yosano explains like that's a completely normal sentence.

“... What.” Dazai repeats, but this time it's more of a “what the fuck” then a genuine question

“Just trust me. You want Chuuya to notice you, right? And Ranpo, don't you have that fancy expensive cologne?”

Ranpo groans “I don't wanna waste perfectly good cologne on him!!”

Hey what the fuck is that supposed to-

“Just do it. And Dazai. Contacts.” Yosano points in the direction of the bathroom.

Ah right, how could he forget.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The welcoming parties are held by teachers in the school cafeteria to look after the students and make sure they don't get too drunk, or drunk at all.

They don't want to be taking care of freshman moms.

The teachers who don't “have a lot on their plate “ usually help out, which Dazai thinks it's an odd way to say you have no life but he's not one to judge.

Actually he is, it's whatever.

The lights are pretty dimmed, just a few glowing lights and the lights from the windows that they couldn't properly cover up.

There's a concession stand near the corner that's just a teacher at a lunch table with baskets of cheap chips and soda underneath the table.

Dazai doesn't understand the hype at all. I mean sure, you get to meet people but… I mean… this?

And yet, there's still students crowding the area.

Yosano has been holding onto Dazai's wrist the entire time, he feels her fingers twitch slightly and he turns to look at her

“I know it's lame but can you please just try to have a good time?”

“That's impossible for him.” Ranpo speaks before Dazai can even fathom what she said which earns him a glare from Dazai and Yosano both.

His eyes scan the room for the short redhead but to no avail, all he sees is an ocean of blacks and browns and on occasion, a blonde.

He rests his head on his hand, if he doesn't find Chuuya and this was all for nothing he was gonna kill himself.

… maybe kill Yosano and Ranpo before himself.

Chapter Text

If Dazai said he wasn't keeping an eye out for Chuuya the entire night he would be lying.

He wouldn't say that anyways since he's made it abundantly clear that if he doesn't see Chuuya, none of this was worth it and he was gonna “blow his head off with a Roman candle.” , whatever that means.

Dazai was sitting at one of the tables in the back, next to some couple that was making out but he didn't care. The odd high pitched squeals that came out of the girls mouth just added to the background noise.

Yosano was talking with a brown haired girl named Haruno and a black haired girl named Naomi who was clinging onto some ginger, definitely not Chuuya.

Ranpo was near the concession stand talking to this guy with weirdly slicked back hair, mushy-something, and a tall emo American transfer named Edgar.

Dazai knew both Ranpo and Edgar were into each other but were far too oblivious to notice, as smart as they both are they're helpless when it comes to romance.

It's not like Dazai can judge, he was trying to seduce a man with a girlfriend into being gay.

One of the things Dazai used to copy from his friend back in 8th grade to seem more human were the panic attacks.

Whenever it was too loud or there were too many people In a crowded space, he would shut down and start crying, so Dazai did the same.

Even after they stopped being friends at Mori's request, the habit stuck with Dazai.

In fact it stuck so much Dazai didn't even notice how his breathing was becoming more shallow or how he scratched a hole into his bandages and was currently scratching another into his scarred skin.

He didn't even notice how he was sweating or how the room seemed to get blurrier as tears welled in his eyes.

Only when he felt his chest lock up entirely did he get up and walk to the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bathroom was still loud, you could still hear the chatter and loud music from the cafeteria and the girls restroom next to the boys where he could hear a girl complaining about her makeup or boyfriend or something, he could only make out the words “shit” and “messed up” before his ears started ringing far too loudly for him to focus on anything else.

He was still scratching at his skin, he was sure it was gonna leave another scar but he couldn't find it in him to care.

He needed the pain, something to bring him back to reality. Anything.

He hadn't been able to lock himself in a bathroom stall before his legs collapsed, falling in the middle of the floor and only managing to shuffle himself into a corner near the door.

God. Why now? Why like this?

He was so far gone, his vision was getting all blurry and fuzzy, his ears were ringing and felt like they were bleeding and his whole sense of self seemed to be on a higher plane of existence, actually, a lower plane of existence seemed more accurate.

He was so far gone he couldn't tell the door had opened.

So far gone he couldn't see the panicked expression of the redhead who had been talking with his friends just moments before.

So far gone he couldn't hear the redhead make up some shit excuse and slowly walk over to him.

He only noticed it when he felt the touch of a hand on his knee.

His face jolted up and met eyes with the person who was apparently trying to help him, or maybe just wanted him to get out of the bathroom because he was killing the vibe.

His eyes found one blue eye and one brown eye.

Then they found the strawberry blonde hair.

Then they found the face.

Fuck.

FUCK.

Chapter Text

Chuuya had been shoved around practically all night by different social groups.

Ever since he transferred here he was surprised by how friendly everyone is, he had a girlfriend who respected that he was bisexual, he had a large friend group who loved him for him.

The welcoming party seemed fun, the girls who surrounded him every morning had been practically begging him to go and since he wanted to be on friendly terms with everyone anyways he thought it would be a good idea.

His older brother and sister both approved of him going, said it would be a nice learning experience and telling him it would be good to make more friends but what they didn't prepare him for was seeing a kid hyperventilating in the bathroom.

Chuuya was hanging out with tachihara, Higuchi and gin. Tachihara and Higuchi were both in Chuuya's grade level, gin happened to only be a second year but that didn't really matter to Chuuya.

They were all basically following Chuuya around, not that he minded, of course, it just got a little bit annoying.

Okay… Maybe very annoying.

Chuuya had been slowly shuffling to the bathroom to get some alone time but it was obvious that his group didn't pick up on any of it.

So instead of being a normal person and gently excusing himself to the bathroom he just continued walking until he left the cafeteria entirely.

His entire group was still laughing and joking so he could barely find a spot to tell them he was going to the bathroom. God, he just wanted to be alone for a second.

“Imgoingtothebathroom” he practically whispered, his voice was lost in the conversation as well as the loud ass music that the teachers insisted on playing even though no one in their generation listens to it.

“I-... Going to the bathroom” he said a bit louder, interrupting Tachihara in the process.

His entire group turned to look at him

“What was that? Sorry dude” Tachihara's hand came up behind his neck and rubbed it awkwardly

“I'm gonna go to the bathroom “ Chuuya spoke a little quieter than usual but this time, loud enough to be heard.

“Oh, alright” Tachihara's hand came down and Gin gave him a thumbs up before Chuuya finally got away.

Thank fuck, he loves them but they're a lot. All the time.

He felt the cold metal against his hand as he pushed open the door, his ears were ringing slightly because of the music but-

…

Does he hear someone sobbing?

He turned to look at where the noise was coming from and came face to face with some kid, curled up into a ball, quite obviously having a panic attack. He couldn't see the face to see if it was someone he knew, all he saw was a mop of brown hair.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What does he do?

He's never dealt with something like this before

What if he makes it worse?

What if-

Goddammit Chuuya, pull it together.

“Hey guys, it might take a little while, sorry about that!” He shouted to his group, not taking an extra second to look at their expressions before calling out to the boy sitting in the corner.

“Hey… uhm…” the figure didn't respond, they didn't even show that they did, the breathing stayed shallow and forced, the trembling didn't stop, nothing.

Fuck.

“H-hey-” he tired a bit louder but still, nothing.

Should I touch him? What if he's a germaphobe or has contamination OCD or maybe he just doesn't want to be touched or-

Fucking hell Chuuya.

He gently grazed the figure's knee with his hand and felt the jolt of realization.

They raised their face, oh fuck.

How is it possible for someone to look attractive while having a panic attack?

His bangs fall perfectly into place on his face, his eyes are sunken in but fuck that looks hot, his cheek bones are pronounced, he looks like a dying Victorian man in the best fucking way possible. Shit. He's pretty.

The boy's face turns from shocked to… even more shocked.

“Uhm… hi…” he murmurs. Yeah… real smooth Chuuya. So charismatic.

Fuck he was shit at this.

“You were…” he trails off when he sees the large bleeding injury on the boys arm

“FUCK- a- are you okay?” He instantly falls down to his knees and looks at the boys arm

The boy still looked shocked, I mean it's a fair reaction for someone you don't even know to snap you out of a panic attack.

Fuck he was being weird again, he was acting was too concerned and-

“I-im sorry do you want help with the um… woun- injury?” He swallowed and bit down on his bottom lip

“I- ar- uh-” the boy stuttered and shook even more

Was he making this worse? Fuck.

“I can leave if-”

“NO-!” The boy shouted at Chuuya then seemed to instantly regret it “I mean- n- if you want to then that fine but-”

“Yeah… okay I won't leave…” Chuuya breathed out before swallowing a lump in his throat he didn't even notice he had

What the fuck was this.

Why was this happening

Chuuya now somewhat wishes he had stayed with his group.

Chapter Text

“NO-!” Dazai had shouted without thinking, fuck he didn't meant to sound that desperate “I mean- n- if you want to then that fine but-”

Logically, he should want Chuuya to leave, he does want Chuuya to leave.

This is embarrassing, and not how the night should have gone.

He and Chuuya were supposed to make eye contact across the dancefloor and then he would swoop Chuuya off his feet and…

He didn't plan that far ahead.

Curse his pessimistic nature.

But if he had planned farther into the future, this was the opposite of how it was supposed to go.

The first time Chuuya's meeting him wasn't supposed to be when dazai was being some attention seeking brat.

It wasn't supposed to be when he was alone in a bathroom being a little bitch cause of some noise

It wasn't supposed to be any of this, but it was now I guess.

“Yeah… okay I won't leave…” He heard the redhead mumble as he shuffled to sit next to Dazai.

Dazai could feel all the blood rush to his face, he could hear his heartbeat for fucks sake.

What. The FUCK was happening.

“I'm sorry…” Dazai whispered, he felt like the biggest asshole on the planet.

Of course Chuuya was gonna stay with him, he was a decent human being.

He found some weird ass ugly kid in the bathroom hyperventilating and when he tried to escape the kid yelled at him, no shit he was gonna stay.

Dazai was taking him away from his friends and from actually having a good time, Chuuya was only staying with him out of pity.

He shouldn't get his hopes up for something that's probably only gonna happen once.

“For what?” Chuuya looked at him.

Dazai had to look away,

He had to.

There was no way he could maintain eye contact with Chuuya, not when he already felt like he was gonna have a heart attack just by hearing him breathe.

“Ya know… taking you away from… everything” words were not Dazai's friend right now, his brain was so focused on not sounding stupid it had forgotten if that was even a sentence

“What? Oh, no. I was trying to get away from my friends, I mean don't get me wrong I love them but they can be a lot”

Chuuya chuckled to himself, god his laugh was so- AAAUUGGGGHHHHHH

Wait, what did he say?

“So you aren't mad that you have to sit here with me…?” Dazai muttered, turning his head towards Chuuya who was still looking at him.

“No, to be honest this whole scene isn't really my thing, the only reason I came was because I wanna be in good terms with everyone and my friends really wanted me to go…So”

God, how was he so perfect?

Were there any flaws in this man?

Dazai hoped so, god he really hoped so, it would make it so much easier if Chuuya was secretly mean as hell or a cheater or-

anything.

“this doesn't seem like something you like either, I might be wrong…” Chuuya rested his face on his knees.

“Yeah… my uh, cousins wanted me to go” that was only the partial truth, but Chuuya didn't need to know that.

“Oh? Who are your cousins? I might know them” Chuuya smiled softly at him, it was probably out of pity, Dazai shouldn't be so selfish to believe he made Chuuya smile

“Ranpo and Yosano, they have different surnames because they were adopted.” Dazai explained, then obviously immediately regrets it because he explained too much.

Why was he talking so much and so little at the same time? Now Chuuya probably thinks Dazai thinks he's stupid which obviously he doesn't but-

“Oh, I know Yosano, she's in my health class. She's really nice, I honestly could have never imagined you two were related, blood or not.”

What did that mean? Does he think Yosano's pretty and Dazai's not? Why did he care if Chuuya thinks he's pretty? What does all of this even mean?

“Yeah… uhm so…” fuck. Dazai couldn't think of anything to say, his mind was completely blank.

“Is your arm okay? I don't want to pry but I saw you like scratching it and the wound was pretty deep and- I'm sorry I'm being insensitive” Chuuya looked away, his voice coming to a halt as he toyed with his bottom lip

“Oh, no you're not prying” Dazai's voice was still uneasy as shit “it'll be fine… I just need to bandage it up, my dad is a doctor so nothing bad should happen…”

He didn't know why he was telling Chuuya about his dad. He hated his dad but the way he talked about Mori made him sound like a saint.

“oh, that's good. Are you like… okay now?” Chuuya looked back at him.

It's no surprise he would ask that, he definitely wanted to leave, it's not his fault though, if Dazai were in his situation he would want to leave too.

“I'm fine, thanks.” Dazai gave him a soft smile, expecting him to walk away and leave Dazai alone again.

Good, that's what should happen.

Dazai honestly didn't know why he thought Chuuya would like him, they were polar opposites.

Chuuya was kind, empathetic, perfect and human.

Dazai was none of the above.

“Are you like- busy?” Chuuya spoke after a little while, huh, he was still here.

What?

“What?”

“Like, are you hanging out with your cousins?”

He should say yes.

Chuuya's asking him that out of pity

He needs to say yes

“Uh… No not really”

But his mouth betrayed him

He couldn't tell if Chuuya's eyes genuinely lit up or if he was going schizophrenic.

Probably the latter.

“Do you wanna hang out with my friends and I for the rest of the night?” His voice was strangely happy for someone asking something out of pity

No. Don't get your hopes up. He's doing this out of pity. Don't be selfish.

“Sure”

Okay… maybe he was a little selfish.

But just for one night. Tomorrow Chuuya probably won't remember him at all and both of their lives will go back to normal.

He felt Chuuya get up and offer a hand to Dazai.

The moment Dazai stood up his vision went black and his ears started ringing, fuck, he forgot about his blood sugar issue.

“Shit- are you okay?” He could make out Chuuya's voice in the static noise his brain was shooting at him

“Yeah- fine, stood up too fast.” He replied as his vision went back to normal and the static fizzeled out

“Oh, wanna- go find my friend's?” Chuuya asked, his hand still holding onto Dazai's, doesn't this seem a little long to hold onto someone's hand for when all you did was help them up?

He could finally see properly, thank god. And Chuuya was-

“You're short.” Dazai said without thinking, he wasn't doing a lot of that lately.

Chuuya gave him a deadpan stare “what?”

Shit.

Fuck.

WHY THE FUCK DID HE SAY THAT?!

“Sorry I-” Dazai tried to explain himself

“fuck you asshole. Let's go.” His grip on Dazai's hand tightened as he led him out of the bathroom

Huh.

Chapter Text

He was now face to face with Chuuya's friends, one was ginger with a bandaid on bus nose, one was a younger blonde girl and- Gin?

“Gin?” He spoke in a voice that was louder than he spoke in all night, gin turned to face him and her face twisted from confusion, to shock to more confusion

“Osamu?” She replied back

“Oh, you two know each other?” Chuuya looked back and forth between the pair

“Yeah… He's my brother”

“WHAT?” the entire group shouted almost in sync

“Gin, you never told us you had a brother?” The blonde girl intervened

“Yeah uh…I didn't think he'd be here… how are you here? And why? Did father-” she trailed off a bit while staring into her brothers face

“Yosano and Ranpo wanted me to come, they got Fukuwaza to lie for me…” Dazai explained awkwardly while he rubbed the back of his neck

“And your clothes…?” Gin gestured towards his borrowed clothes

“Borrowed them from Ranpo, is Ryūnosuke here?” Dazai scanned the room for his little brother

“No, he stayed back with Oda and the kids..” gin looked back at her friends, her gaze lingering on the blonde girl before turning back to Dazai

“Okay, what the fuck? You never told us you had any siblings besides Akutagawa? And how is he your brother if you two don't share a last name exactly?” The other ginger, not Chuuya, (sadly) spoke up, crossing his arms.

“He had his name changed after-... It's not important.” Gin waved her hand dismissively

“Well, it's clear you two already know each other” Chuuya gestured to Dazai and Gin who just stared at each other for a moment before breaking eye contact

It was always awkward with Gin, they both had very mixed feelings towards each other.

“But, everyone, this is Dazai, and Dazai this is Tachihara” he pointed to the other ginger who gave him a non, “and this is Higuchi” he pointed at the blonde who gave him a soft wave

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chuuya's friends were nice, a little weird, very loud, but nice.

It was a small group of three people, odd, since Dazai was expecting a giant group of 50+ people, or something like that.

Honestly, he didn't even know why he expected that, maybe since Chuuya was so popular, but it makes sense he would have a normal sized friend group in hindsight.

But what did Dazai know about that anyways? He didn't have any friends.

He had been zoning out while Tachihara had been telling a story.

He heard everyone else in the group laugh. He tried to as well but it came out more of an embarrassing giggle.

He had been staying a safe distance away from Gin the entire night, not because he disliked her but because she disliked him.

He had been training his brother, Ryūnosuke, to defend himself against their father. He had thought he was being a good big brother but Gin had grown to hate this “training” and then, had grown to hate Dazai.

Well, she didn't exactly hate Dazai.

He knew this because she had explained to him before during an argument where Dazai half asked, half shouted ‘why do you hate me so much?!’

She knew he came from a good place of wanting her brother to stay safe however she despised the way he had done that and despised the way that he had dismissed her concerns

Dazai understood that but still had always thought she was being dramatic, it's not like Ryūnosuke brought upon the opinion, the kid was obsessed with him.

Chuuya had stayed next to him the entire night, though he had let go of his hand, Dazai could still feel the phantom softness and warmth Chuuya's grip had brought.

Dazai knew he didn't talk much, Chuuya and Tachihara were doing most of the talking with the occasional intervention of Higuchi or Gin but Dazai hadn't talked at all that night

“What about you Dazai?” Chuuya looked at him with this familiar comfort that made Dazai's heart beat far too fast

Shit. He wasn't paying any attention to the conversation, more so paying attention on how long till he leaves.

“... What?” Dazai asked in this ridiculously sheepish voice which made him sound like a first year school girl asking out her crush.

He saw Gin giving him this weird look, was he really being this obvious?

“Do you have any family stories?” Chuuya said like it was obvious, it should be obvious and it would be if Dazai hadn't been zoning out the entire time.

He felt his muscles tense up at the mere word of family but attempted to convey none of his discomfort.

Suddenly he couldn't remember anything about his family stories.

There was when his dad locked him outside for making a rude comment in the middle of winter…That wasn't appropriate though…

And uh…

Oh!

“Well, my older brother works at an orphanage and takes in foster kids that have been in the system for a while… one time I was staying at his place and I woke up to about 12 kids staring at me, Gin being one of them.” He laughed a bit at his own story, it definitely wasn't cackle-worthy but it brought out some small giggles and a very embarrassed Gin.

“Shut up Osamu I was just- shocked.” Gin's voice became that high-pitched tone she got when she was embarrassed

“Don't you two live together?” Chuuya's shoulder gently nudged Dazai's side and he felt all of his blood rush to his head

“Well, I live with my oldest brother, Oda cause… complicated family stuff…” Gin explained vaguely and thankfully, they all caught up on the fact it was something that shouldn't be talked about.

Chuuya hadn't moved, fuck- was he getting closer?

He couldn't even tell what Higuchi was saying, all he could feel was Chuuya's shoulder gently brushing his side, and Chuuya's breathing, and his own heartbeat.

He noticed Gin giving him that odd look again.

He was so unbelievably fucked.

Chapter Text

The night had gone really well so far, Chuuya's friends were funny, Gin didn't seem to hate him that much and Chuuya's arm kept brushing his.

The group had migrated to the tables near the concession stand where Dazai was before he had his little…”moment”, the couple that was making out had been kicked out, thankfully.

Dazai was sitting next to Chuuya while Tachihara, Higuchi and Gin were all sat across from them, him and Chuuya were pressed against the wall of the cafeteria since Chuuya wanted to be polite to his friends and Dazai was just following Chuuya around.

Dazai was resting his elbows on the table, barely listening to one of Tachihara's stories about… sports… or something.

He could barely hear Tachihara over the extremely loud (and terrible) music that the underpaid teacher was probably forced to put on.

He had relaxed a significant amount since before the night had started, he hadn't even noticed how loose his body felt, nor did he notice the small redhead by his side who kept sneaking glances at him.

“and we didn't even notice he was stuck in the locker room until after the game…” he snorted as the group let out a few chuckles.

“Oh that reminds me of the time-” Higuchi started talking but the moment her voice came out he zoned out again, what was the time again?

He glanced at the analog clock they kept in the cafeteria, 9:47, huh, it had already been an hour.

Dazai couldn't tell if it felt like more than that or less

He felt a small nudge against his shoulder and turned to look at Chuuya.

“Are you okay? You keep zoning out and… I mean I understand if it weird how it's strangers and you can leave if you want but-” He watched as the redhead began spiraling, he couldn't fathom why, Dazai was some average guy, Chuuya shouldn't care this much about him.

It's probably pity. Chuuya's a good person who wants everyone to be happy. He doesn't like Dazai, it's pity.

“I'm fine, Chuuya.” He watched as Chuuya's expression changed… Was he blushing or is that the lighting?

... Probably the lighting

… yeah, definitely the lighting.

“Are you sure?” the smaller man's voice was barely a whisper at that point

“I promise” Dazai smiled back at him before turning back to Higuchi, he couldn't make even a second more eye contact with Chuuya or he would actually explode.

Maybe this wasn't so bad…

He saw the heads of the group turn to the other side of Chuuya, as well as a new weight on the seat.

The first thing he saw was the hair, a shade of pastel pink put up in a half-bun.

Then the face, she had pretty. Not extremely pretty but generally pretty enough.

Then, the voice.

“Babyyy~ you've been ignoring me all night,”...

What?

“What?” Dazai breathed out

“Sorry love, I've been a bit busy” Chuuya responded without turning to look at Dazai, wrapping his arm around the girl's waist.

What.

“Oh, sorry. Dazai, this is Yuan, my girlfriend. And Yuan, this is Dazai.” Chuuya smiled as he introduced the two.

Oh, that's right.

He did have a girlfriend.

Yosano told him.

“Nice to meet you Dazai” Yuan offered him a polite smile as she extended her hand.

Dazai forced his face to contort into something that barely resembled a smile as he took her hand and shook it with a bit more force than necessary..

Okay… maybe a lot more force.

“Nice to meet you as well.” His voice was laced with disgust, it was hard not to notice but Dazai couldn't control it.

Chuuya, however, didn't seem to notice as he turned back to Higuchi.

Gin gave him a glare, it was understandable, but Dazai was pissed.

Pissed at the fact the love of his life (who he had just met) was in a relationship

Pissed at how pretty and perfect they were together

Pissed at how much he cared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dazai spent the rest of the time sulking, barely listening with this childish pout on his face, the others had tried to include him in their stories by asking questions but Dazai shot them down with his terse responses.

“DAZAI!!” Ranpo's voice echoed through the cafeteria, Dazai's head immediately swiveled to turn to him.

He saw his cousin running towards him, okay, something was very wrong.

Ranpo was known for being almost overly relaxed, even in stressful situations

“Fuck, Osamu… shit, Mori-” Ranpo gasped as he made his way closer to the table

“Ranpo- shit. What's going on?” The name drop of ‘Mori’ lingered in Dazai's mind.

“Mori is at the front gate… waiting for you…”

What?

What?!

“WHAT?!” Dazai could help himself from shouting, he saw the confused expressions of Chuuya and his friends, he saw the Shock washing over Gin's face but he couldn't care about any of it.

He stood up at the sheer shock and walked over to Ranpo

“Fuck- he… I don't know how he found out but he's here- fuck…” Ranpo's hands were flapping out of stress

“Why is Mori here…? I-” Gin started but immediately stopped when she heard Dazai's voice begin

“No… no… please no…” his legs felt weak, too weak, so weak they collapsed. “No no no nonononononono”

“OSAMU- fuck- calm down…” Ranpo attempted to soothe him, pulling him back up and stabilizing him. “Yosano's talking with him now, she's gonna lie for you-”

“NO-!” Dazai caught the flinches of Chuuya's friends out of the corner of his eye “I- please no, fuck- I can handle this on my own”

“no you can't Osamu” Ranpo looked behind them both to see the confused and scared expressions of Chuuya and his friends. “Let's just- let's go.” He didn't give Dazai the chance to argue before grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him away from everyone.

Fuck.

Everything was happening way too fast.

FUCK.

Chapter Text

I'm so sorry about the late updates but because of the new school year my uploading schedule won't be very stable, for now I'm gonna be trying to write a new chapter every other day but I might now get to it, so sorry again but because of all the school stuff I'm not able to write a chapter a day.

I hope you understand, love y'all!

Chapter Text

Chuuya was having an AMAZING night, the type of night that makes you think something wrong has to happen to balance it out.

The universe isn't THAT kind.

He kept brushing his shoulder against Dazai's arm, intentionally or not will be his little secret.

He knew Dazai didn't notice, but just the faint brush had him addicted to the others touch.

I mean, how could he hold back when Dazai was so funny, and kind, and weird but in a good way and… Well… he looked like THAT.

He prayed that Dazai was a bit uglier in the light or something because Lord, if he looked as good, or worse, better?

… yeah.

… he couldn't handle it.

Dazai's voice had steadied out since the original panic attack, it wasn't what people would classify as attractive, not that deep, a little on the awkward-teenage-boy side but to Chuuya?

Adorable.

Everything about this man was adorable or hot or sexy-

Every synonym for attractive.

He was barely listening to Tachihara tell a story about sports or something, his attention was basically solely focused on Dazai.

And with the way Dazai kept sneaking glances at him, he really hoped Dazai felt the same.

But with Tachihara's story coming to an end he couldn't help but notice how Dazai kept zoning out.

Did he feel overwhelmed? it was probably Chuuya's fault right? I mean he forced Dazai to hang out with him and- fuck it's all his fault Dazai probably feels so uncomfortable-

“Are you okay? You keep zoning out and… I mean I understand if it weird how it's strangers and you can leave if you want but-” before he knew it he started bombarding Dazai with questions after lightly tugging on his sleeve

He watched Dazai's face change a little- Chuuya couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.

“I'm fine, Chuuya” Dazai's smile along with his voices which sounded like it was laced with vanilla, and the way his name sounded on Dazai's tongue- AHHHHHHHHHHH

He could feel the blood rushing to his face, not being able to handle it.

“Are you sure?” He tried to sound seductive or something, he didn't even know why he just felt like the most pick-me self around this man.

“Promise.” The other man whispered back, almost matching Chuuya's tune. Lord, he almost fell to his knees right then and there.

He felt a weight on the opposite side of Dazai- wait…

“Babyyy~ you've been ignoring me all night,” his girlfriend's voice sings as she cuddles into him.

Oh.

Yeah.

He had a girlfriend.

He didn't even hear Dazai's small “what” over his own heartbeat. He couldn't tell if he was flustered or embarrassed or frustrated-

None of that was Yuan's fault.

It's HIS fault he almost cheated, it's HIS fault he forgot about her.

God, he felt like a piece of absolute shit.

“Sorry love, I've been a bit busy” he gave back the most terse answer he could muster up while wrapping an arm around her waist.

Was he even still attracted to her?

Of course he was.

Yuan is gorgeous, funny, kind, witty, exactly Chuuya's type.

But…

It's besides the point.

He saw Yuan's focus shift to the unfamiliar face, “Oh, sorry. Dazai, this is Yuan, my girlfriend. And Yuan, this is Dazai.” he forced a smile as he introduced the two. God, why does she have to be here.

“Nice to meet you Dazai” Chuuya watched as she offered Dazai a polite smile and extended her hand.

God.

Fuck.

Why.

Dazai took her hand, like a gentleman.

H̶e̶ w̶i̶s̶h̶e̶s̶ D̶a̶z̶a̶i̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ t̶a̶k̶e̶ h̶i̶s̶ h̶a̶n̶d̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶ that

Whatever.

“Nice to meet you as well.” He barely noticed Dazai's voice tinged with disgust, barely.

To be honest, Chuuya was somewhat glad Dazai didn't seem to like her.

Is he a bad person for saying that?

Yeah, probably.

Does he care?

Yes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“DAZAI!!” A seemingly young kid's voice echoed through the cafeteria, making Chuuya's head jolt to the noise

Fuck, Osamu… shit, Mori-” The boy gasped as he made his way closer to the table

This kid seemed stressed as shit also tired as shit.

No offense to the kid but that kid did NOT have good stamina…

Bottom… Who said that??

The wind is crazy these days…

“Ranpo- shit. What's going on?” Dazai's voice seemed stressed… no, Dazai himself seemed stressed.

“Mori is at the front gate… waiting for you…”
The boy wheezed

Huh?

Who??

“WHAT?!” Dazai shouted, making Chuuya, along with everyone else at the table, flinch as Dazai's legs flung up.

Dazai definitely didn't seem easily aggravated, though he didn't know him long, it felt weird.

Who was Mori and why were they waiting for Dazai?

“Fuck- he… I don't know how he found out but he's here- fuck…” the boy began running his fingers through his short, black hair.

“Why is Mori here…? I-” Gin started, Chuuya didn't even notice how scared she looked until he turned to face her.

Okay, something was VERY wrong.

Gin was chill.

Like, you could never tell when she wasn't high type of chill.

But this? This wasn't gin.

This was someone scared and stressed and-

What the fuck…

“No… no… please no…” He could barely hear Dazai's voice as he watched the boy collapse.

SHIT

What. The. FUCK.

Should he help? What's going on? Who is that? What?

What.

What is happening.

“No no no nonononononono” he heard Dazai almost whisper, fuck.

He attempted to step in but the black-haired boy stepped in quicker.

“OSAMU- fuck- calm down…” the black-haired boy stepped closer “Yosano's talking with him now, she's gonna lie for you-”

“NO-!” Dazai's sudden shout caused a ripple of flinches through his entire group “I- please no, fuck- I can handle this on my own”

“no you can't Osamu” Chuuya made eye contact with the black-haired boy, his green eyes looked scared but also… Calculating. “Let's just- let's go.”

The boy pulled Dazai up and away before anyone could stop him.

No one spoke for a while, just sitting there, shocked.

“Uh… What the fuck- Gin?” Tachihara was the first to break the silence, the entire group turning to face Gin

She looked horrified.

What the fuck.

“Mori he's… “ she stopped herself, looking away. “It's not my story to tell.”

“I hope he's okay…” Yuan's voice barely whispered.

Oh right.

His girlfriend.

He had one of those.

What the fuck just happened?

Chapter Text

The car ride was quiet, which somehow was scarier than if Mori were to scream at him.

The ride, though mostly smooth, was interrupted by small rocks along its path.

Dazai noticed his shaking, it was pretty obvious, but he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he tried.

His mind went through every possibility, ones of pure fiction where Mori forgives him, to a more reasonable reality where he has to sleep on the streets and is beat to a pulp

Ranpo had made a futile attempt to calm him down in the bathroom, though he obviously failed. Dazai's mind was more occupied with thoughts of him dying a painful death of hypothermia and-

Yosano.

Yosano was outside, apparently she had attempted to convince Mori she and Ranpo forced Dazai to go to the party and that it was good for his reputation.

However when they got to her she had already been scolded and slapped.

The air conditioning had been turned on, the familiar coldness now filling the car.

Dazai was toying with his lower lip, biting and peeling the skin off

God, what was he thinking, because of a boy?

A boy?

Really?

What is he, some lovesick school girl?

Some anime protagonist (not that he's every watched anime)

Some fucking-

Some little bitch who chases after people desperately even if he doesn't know them?

Chuuya had a girlfriend, he probably isn't even into him.

And Chuuya isn't even that attractive, right?

Hes probably a delinquent

Jealous of Dazai

It's beneath him anyways, friends, social life stuff, everything.

Hes better than it all

Hes better than Ranpo and Yosano who probably wanted to leach off his genius.

Hes better than his naive younger siblings filled with ignorance.

Hes better than Chuuya's friends who are far too loud and have probably never gottan a grade above a C

Hes better than that pink haired whore

Hes better than Chuuya.

Even if he knows he isn't.

He has to be.

His arm burned from the scratching but he couldn't find it in him to care

He needed the burn

Something to stop the noise

Anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The reaction wasn't immediate, but Dazai felt the air shift.

The way he didn't even slam the front door, just closed it.

The way he told Elise to go to her room and don't come down even if she heard yelling in that fake sweet tone he used.

The way he glared at him when Elise ran upstairs

And then-

SLAP

The back of Mori's hand collided with Dazai's cheek so hard he saw white

No stars, no immediate blackness, just white, then red, then black.

His body fell, his arms catching him from behind.

“Do you care to explain yourself Osamu?” His voice was calm, not a waver or tremble.

“I- I'm sor-” Dazai began apologizing while getting up, his hands probably bruised from the fall.

“Dont.” Mori interrupted him, standing still however his hand moving back to his side “no you're not. If you were truly sorry you would have never gone in the first place. I'm just trying to protect you, Osamu.” What? "What?" Dazai breathed out Mori's voice got lighter “protect you from delinquents and people jealous of your success. You're such a smart boy, but if these people convince you to go with them instead of studying, your future will be ruined.”

Right.

Of course.

How could he forget?

Mori was protecting him

“Oda, Gin and Ryūnosuke already left me behind. Elise is too young- Osamu you're the only kid I have left. I love all my children but don't you want to be the one I love the most?” Mori took a step towards him

Of course Dazai does. He wants nothing more than his fathers approval

And to be the favorite of the family.

He would finally be worth something

“Don't you want to prove you're better than your siblings? I love you Osamu, I only want the best for you.”

Dazai nodded slowly, his hands still shaking

“Don't you love me too?” Mori's smile kept onto his face

“Of course I do, father. Please, believe I do.” Dazai pleaded.

Please, please see how much I care.

Give me the validation you promise.

The validation i crave

"Prove to me that you can be the son I want, the son I deserve" Mori almost whispered to Dazai "and promise me you can be better"

"I will be- I promise. Ill be your favorite- I'll always be your favorite I just-" Dazai was cut off by the exhale of Mori

"Good. Osamu, you've always been my second favorite. Do you think you can prove to your father that you can be his favorite? Prove it by becoming something great, by sticking to the future I planned for you, by not associating with those delinquents who are beneath you. You're almost as bad as them, become better."

"I will father I promise. Ill become your favorite, Ill earn everything." Dazai's voice was desperate, needy.

“Good, I do this out of love, Osamu. Please keep your studying habits, we don't want another failure in the family, do we?” Mori walked past Dazai, leading up to the stairs.

“No…I- I'll study harder father. I promise.”

“Good.” Dazai could hear Mori's footsteps up the stairs.

God, how could he be so stupid?

Getting caught up because of some boy who was probably jealous of him.

It's beneath him anyways.

He needs to study, like Mori says.

Mori loves him.

It's all out of love.

Maybe Mori forgiving him wasn't pure fiction.

Chapter Text

The rest of the party was awkward.

Sure, the music was still turned a bit too high for comfort

Sure, there are still friend groups and couples loudly talking with one another

But with Chuuya's group, the silence was deafening.

Both Tachihara and Yuan had attempted to lighten the situation, followed by one futile attempt from Higuchi, but Chuuya and Gin were both still very shaken.

He had texted Kouyou to pick him up early, now all he was waiting for was the buzz of his phone and maybe he could figure all this out.

The night felt like a train wreck, literally.

Dazai's panicking about this “Mori” guy was the crash itself and now was the damage.

Yuan had been holding onto his hand, stroking it softly as an attempt to calm him down.

What the fuck was he doing? He should be helping her, he's more stable, and Yuan's probably scared out of her mind right now.

But he couldn't even bring himself to breathe, let alone move to coddle his girlfriend.

He was so shitty.

Yuan doesn't deserve him.

“Chuu, are you okay?” Yuan's voice cut like a scalpel through the dense silence

“Yeah, I'm fine, sorry.” He replied without thinking, it was better she thought he was just zoning out. She shouldn't worry about him, she has enough on her plate.

He almost jumped for joy when he felt the small vibration in his pocket, instead opting for taking it out as fast as his hands could and letting out the biggest, most dramatic sigh of relief, casually though so they wouldn't notice his excitement to leave.

Prototype #2
I'm at the front gate
Pull up twink

“Sorry guys I gotta go!” His voice, though trying to sound casual, betrayed him by very obviously conveying his rush to leave.

He gave Yuan a quick goodbye kiss as well as a wave to his friends.

He needed to talk with Kouyou, get his shit figured out because

Holy shit.

This night was a disaster.

And he couldn't tell if that was in a good way or a bad way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The house was warm, it always is. Even in the winter it stayed around 70°, Chuuya never understood why, that's just how it was.

The living room was decorated with family photos and paintings from friends, it was a pretty maximalist house, not that Chuuya was complaining. He would rather get eaten by a pack of wild dogs than live in one of those psyche wards people call “minimalist” houses.

“So.” Kouyous voice started, the sound of her shoes coming off made a small clank on the floor. “Whats wrong.”

Her feet made a small creek on the somewhat loose floorboards as she walked to the dining room

Chuuya followed, pushing a chair out and sitting down while his sister clicked the tea kettle on and prepared two mugs.

“I don't think I like Yuan anymore.” Chuuya said before realizing he needed much more explanation for that.

Much, much more.

Kouyou raised an eyebrow, a puzzled expression falling upon her face “oh?” She urged him to continue

“I met this guy, he was having a panic attack in the bathroom so I helped by just kinda… sitting there with him and he's like… Really attractive.” Chuuya explained, his hands making gestures that didn't necessarily correlate with what he was saying but it doesn't matter.

“What does he look like?” She asked while pouring the now rolling boil into two mugs and setting a timer on the stove top to allow them to steep

“He's, okay.” Chuuya gathered his thoughts. “He had brown hair that reached, like, down to here” he gestured with his hands to the back of his neck “and bangs that stopped just before his eyes.”

He gazed at Kouyou before continuing, her small smile beginning to form

“His eyes were this deep, chocolate-y brown. He was pretty pale and had high cheekbones, he had black square glasses and he was tall, ane-san. TALL.”

He heard her giggle through her sleeve “how tall?”

“Like, a bit taller than you.”

Her eyebrows shot up at that “oh, and why exactly do you think you don't like Yuan anymore?”

“Because I started talking with him and he's… he's funny and witty and he has such a cute laugh and he's reassuring and… God, he's so HOT” Chuuya's face slumped deeper into the crevice of his arms

He heard Kouyou's full laugh now as she stuck the cup in front of his and sat down across from him

“Heres my advice, don't do anything rash until you know for certain what you want and how you feel. This might be temporary, you might go back to loving Yuan again. So I would tell her what's going on, explain that you still love her but you're having mixed feelings but don't break up with her yet until you're certain that's what you want.”

“But, ane-san, what if she breaks up with me once I tell her?” Chuuya brought his head up and stared at his older sister, his head resting in the palm of his hand while the other one fiddled with the tea bag still sticking out the side of the cup

“She seems like a kind and understanding girl. If you explain correctly then I doubt she'll hate you.” She brushed back her pink hair as she took a sip

“How am I supposed to explain it to her though? ‘Oh hey, sorry I still like you and stuff but I'm in love with another person and it's a man I met an hour ago!! Sorry!! Lets stay together, hope you understand!!”

“Chuuya” Kouyou stopped him “you know how you're gonna explain it to her, you're such a smart boy. Please, don't fuck it up” she gave him a reassuring smile though it didn't reassure him much.

“Yeah… okay… Ill talk with her, and if she wants to break up with me that's her decision.” Chuuya decided, though he was still extremely iffy on talking to Yuan ever again instead of moving to Afghanistan and changing his name to “Boris” or something.

“Good” kouyou watched as he drank all of his tea in almost a second and practically ran to his room “LOVE YOU!!” she called out before he got too far

“LOVE YOU TOO!!” He shouted back while running upstairs.

Chapter Text

Dazai's arm was smothered with red. He cut until there was nowhere else to cut.

His legs, his arms, even his neck.

He had failed his father.

His father loved him and he squandered it.

He needed the pain, he deserved it.

The hardwood was stained with crimson, the blade coated with the liquid.

His stomach felt tight, his lungs felt tighter.

Die. Die. Die. Die. Diediediediediediediediedie cut deeper die you're a failure die die die please just die already

With each word the blade struck deeper into his already mutilated flesh

Blood beaded out and with yet another gash added the surface tension was broken and the red spilled over his arm

Fucking failure die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die

He brought the blade up to his neck

Die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die

With a sharp slash he felt the warm liquid pour down his pulse point and into his chest.

The blade lay unsteady in his hand, the shaking made it hard to hold anything steady.

Death didn't come quick, of course it didn't.

One more.

Two more.

Three more.

With each time it produced a sharp pain, the blood streaming down his neck and no death.

Four more.

Five more.

Six more.

His neck was covered with the not so careful lines, some far more deeper than others, most piling on top of one another

Seven more.

Eight more.

Nine more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His vision was blurry, unsurprisingly.

Because he had taken out his contacts and his glasses were off it was hard to imagine his vision wouldn't be blurry.

His body felt heavy.

The last thing he could remember was… warmth.

People describe death as feeling your body get cold, but for dazai he got warm.

Very warm.

Almost uncomfortably warm.

The bed beneath him was warm, how long had he been out? His breathing was still unsteady, well, the oxygen mask was helping- wait.

Wait.

Fuck, he passed out on floor.

Why-

Shit.

Even though it pained every muscle in his body to move, he jolted up right to see a bland hospital room, and two certain people standing by his bed.

“Gin?” His voice was raspy from being passed out

“I asked Oda to drop me off so I could check on you… he said to bring Ryuu along.” She explained, her voice shaky.

His little brother's face looked mortified, to say the least.

“How did I…” dazai trailed off

“we called 911…” she couldn't even look at him.

“You were bleeding all over and Mori is cleaning I think-” Ryuunosuke began, dazai could hear his heartbeat spike, ya know, from the machine

“SHIT- tell him to stop- i-ill clean it- WHERE IS A PHONE?” Everything was going too fast. He needed to call Mori and apologize.

Mori was probably so disappointed

Mori hates him now.

It's his mess to clean.

He was being an irresponsible attention seeker.

His scream had startled his siblings along with the nurse Dazai didn't even notice had entered.

His body felt uncomfortably hot, his head also felt uncomfortably heavy.

His eyes got wet again, for the third time that night.

Fuck life.

Chapter Text

It was odd, Chuuya hadn't seen Dazai at school. Like, at all.

He hadn't seen Gin either, it was, by the way, VERY odd of her to skip.

And sure, a day, maybe even two if she has a cold. But two weeks?

Yeah, something was wrong.

He had tried to text her, the first two times he was left on “read”, then that became “delivered”.

He tried to text Ryuunosuke too, but to no avail.

He even tried to talk to Yosano in the hallway and Ranpo in his after school chess club, neither responded.

Yeah, something was up.

Did he know what to do about it?

Fuck no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The lunch table was oddly quiet.

His friends attempted to be loud and chaotic as usual but it just didn't feel right

They could all feel the shift in the air.

Yuan was with her friends that day, a few guys and a mutual friend of theirs, Shirase.

“I think I'm gonna break up with Yuan” his mouth betrayed him, speaking without his permission. Interrupting one of Tachihara's stories.

they both turned to them, shock falling on their faces.

“I'm sorry, WHAT?!” Tachihara almost screamed. No, not almost. He did scream.

He winced back at the shout.

“Yeah…” he looked to Higuchi.

“Oh, babes, why? You two are so perfect together.” Higuchi attempted to comfort him.

“Promise you won't judge me…” he looked down at the now empty lunch table, gazing like the wood had personally offended him.

Tachihara extended his arm and put it on Chuuya's shoulder, a somewhat comforting smile on his face “of course not dude.’

“I may or may not have had a few thoughts. About someone else.”

He watched both of their jaws drop.

No, drop is too light.

Both of their jaws shatter.

Higuchi immediately went for “WHO???” while tachihara went for “WWWHHHATTTTTTTT????”

Both extremely valid.

“I know” he looked away, shamed.

“CHUUYA. I LOVE YOU BUT WHO. IS. IT.” Higuchi basically shook the answer out of him.

“You remember Dazai?” He almost whispered

The duo went still again

Maybe trying to remember who that was

Maybe just so shook

Probably both

Higuchi managed to pull herself together, putting a hand on Chuuya's shoulder

“Did you think you wanna date him?” Her voice helped ease the ringing in Chuuya's ears.

“... Yeah… it's weird to say because I only knew him for a little while but… he's really attractive…And funny…And he seems pretty kind.” Chuuyas explained with hand gestures.

Tachihara spoke up, something Chuuya' didn't expect him to do “please don't do anything irrational. I know he seems charming but people can be misleading.” Wisely odd, and something Chuuya, again, did NOT expect from TACHIHARA FUCKING MICHIZOU.

“Ill try” he replied, honestly. Looking away from the group

“Is that the only reason you wanna break up with her?” Higuchi asked.

“Well. That night I kinda kept forgetting about her which made me feel like a piece of shit. And I don't think I'm attracted to her anymore. I think… I think I might be gay. Like- fully gay.”

The duo looked at each other, at Chuuya, back at each other then nodded.

“Chuuya, sweetie. That sounds like a good idea but are you fully sure you're 100% gay?” Higuchi spoke while laughing a bit. WHY WAS SHE LAUGHING??

“I think… yeah.” He tried to think of any woman that seemed attractive to him. Spoiler: he couldn't

“I think you should end it. Even if you turn out to be bi it's still a shitty move to forget about her multiple times.” Tachihara explained.

“Yeah, I know. I was gonna break up with her after school.” He almost whispered, the words becoming too real all at once.

“In person or over text?” Tachihara asked which then received a very offended look from Higuchi “what? I was just asking.”

“Over text. I feel like it would be easier that way.” He smiled a bit at the duo despite the gnawing guilt at his stomach.

“Whatever makes you comfortable sweetie." Higuchi's voice was soft “but if you aren't polite and you don't explain all of it to her then both me and Tachi are leaving. And we're spreading rumors about you.”

“Yes ma'am. And I was gonna do that anyway.” he huffed but there was no malice behind it

At least SOME of the guilt was released.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gin felt awful.

She hadn't slept for days, literally.

Ryuu was still rocking back and forth. Still traumatized.

Osamu looked like shit too.

One more day in the hospital before he went to the mental institution.

He would probably beg for them to let him out.

She's seen it before.

Maybe he would scream and cry

Maybe he would accept it this time.

She lied to herself

She knew it wouldn't happen.

She kept accidentally looking

At the scars

At his face

Everywhere she looked felt wrong.

She could still see it.

His limp body.

Blood everywhere.

It haunted her mind.

Swallowing the truth, hah.

The truth swallows you instead.

She looked back at Osamu.

He looked miserable.

She wished she could help.

That's a lie.

Part of her hates her brother.

How he acts like he's better than everyone.

The way he treated Ryuu.

The logical side of her understood it was trauma.

But it didn't feel like it.

And she hated it.

Chapter Text

Chuuya's day at school was…Eventful to say the least.

He had promised to himself he would 100% break things off with Yuan but saying that is a whole lot easier than doing it.

Every time they would make contact, she would do that cute half smile thing and Chuuya's heart would do a little flip, but a bad kind of flip.

Cause he knew that in less than 24 hours her heart would be in shambles

And it would be his fault.

Chuuya went through every possible scenario, maybe Yuan would forgive him and they would stay friends, maybe she would curse him and and jump him the next time she saw him,

Okay, that was very unrealistic, but Chuuya wouldn't blame her.

I mean, he knows she loves him, she's made that abundantly clear

Which makes it even HARDER for him to do this.

Thinking back, did he ever truly love her?

He certainly said he did but did he?

Him and Yuan started saying “love you” around the one month mark, her saying it first and Chuuya blurting it out so she didn't get sad.

I mean, it just became a thing they said

When they were leaving it was “bye, love you.”,
when they stopped calling “I love you bye”
Just random “I love you”’s or “ hi my love”

But did he ever truly mean it?

Chuuya has always had a hard time deciphering his emotions, he can't tell whether he likes someone or just admires them, whether he loves them platonically or romantically, which makes relationships and breakups insanely difficult.

Because, does he like Dazai?

Well, obviously.

Pretty sure it's obvious…Right?

Could he imagine a future with Dazai?

Wait.

He knows like… nothing about Dazai.

What's Dazai’s favorite color? Does he prefer waffles or pancakes? What are his little hobbies or quirks?

DUDE HOW DID HE GET THIS FAR WITHOUT REALIZING HE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE MAN HE WANTED TO FUCK.

Woah… The wind is pretty loud today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Chuuya, honey are you okay?” Yuan's voice cut through his thoughts like an unsharpened blade forcing its way in.

“I'm fine” he replied automatically “just thinking, do you know where Yosano or Ranpo are?”

Maybe they came to school, they could tell Chuuya why Dazai and Gin haven't been coming, they could tell Chuuya if he has a chance-

“Yeah, I think they're eating in Mr. Hirotsu's room but-”

“Okay thanks!!” He instantly got up, gave Yuan a side hug, threw his tray away and left the cafeteria as quickly as his not so long legs took him.

Mr Hirotsu was the history teacher. The kids loved him cause he wasn't strict and he allowed people to eat in his room.

His room was A204, right next to his class after lunch, Math with Ms. Acclot, A206.

He could see through the door many kids were eating in his room, not that that's an odd thing, the kids love crowding the space

It's usually packed, Chuuya couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.

He could see Ranpo's mop of black hair and Yosano's pretty face through the window of the door

(No. He does not have a crush on Yosano. It's universally known that she's beautiful.)

They spotted him as soon as he walked in, both of their eyes trailing him for a moment before looking back at each other.

What if they don't like him or he'll say something wrong or-

JUST DO IT YOU FUCKING PUSSY-

“uh… hi” his voice was small, smaller than intended.

They both turned to look at him, Yosano's eyes oddly sharp, or, maybe tired?

“Chuuya, hi.” She gave him a polite smile anyways “is there something you need?”

“Uh, yeah um. Do you know why Gin and Dazai haven't been coming?”
He fiddled with the sleeve of his grey sweatshirt, biting the skin off his bottom lip, or in laments terms, doing literally everything BUT looking them in the eye.

They both stilled before Ranpo went back to his usual, cocky demeanor.

“Why ya wanna know, huh lover boy?” He smiled at Chuuya with the sly grin of his.

Chuuya knew Ranpo was smart, genius even. He's witnessed it, people have told him about it, he probably saw right through Chuuya

“Oh, no I don't like Gin.” He waved his hand dismissively

“Wasn't talking about Gin but okay.” He shrugged and Chuuya could feel his face get red.

Was this normal? What was happening- WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID HE KNOW?!

“uhm, yeah but do you know why?” He forced his muscles to relax

Ranpo glared at him through his thin eyes for a long couple of seconds before shrugging again “nah, I'll text Samu for you and ask. He's probably sick or something.”

Yosano's eyes widened before looking at Chuuya and relaxing “yeah, you know osa, weak immune system, allergies.”

Okay, maybe he was just weird, or paranoid, or high, but this seems suspicious.

Normal people don't talk like this, do they?

“That wasn't the only reason you wanted to talk to us, right?” Ranpo put the lollipop back in his mouth, his words becoming muffled.

Damn. He really could see right through Chuuya.

“Uh, I don't know-” he attempted to defend himself but it was, obviously, too late.

“Oh but you do though. And if you want information, ask me properly.” Ranpo twirled the lollipop in his fingers

He sat down on the chair that was across from the group table.

“Could you tell me some stuff about Dazai…” he almost whispered

He saw Yosano's brows shoot up before a large smile formed on her face “but of course.”

“Oh, where to start.” Ranpo began “he's pretty boring, doesn't see much point in entertainment, barely has a sense of fashion, he has a little sister named Elise, he's very sarcastic, he has an attitude problem, he used to get in trouble because of that as a kid. Uhh, he wears contacts cause he doesn't like his glasses, he doesn't eat much. Anything else?”

Huh. That…Wasn't what Chuuya was expecting.

I mean, it isn't a bad thing but…

Not what Chuuya was expecting.

What was Chuuya expecting?

Maybe he would be tsundere or brash but boring?

He definitely didn't seem boring when him and Chuuya were talking.

But who knows, maybe he was just blinded by love

Ew. That was cringe.

“Is there anything else you need from us?” Yosano's wide grin fell into a soft smile

“Nothatsitthankyoubye” he squeaked while basically full on sprinting out of the classroom.

They're Dazai's cousins, right? Would they tell him Chuuya asked about him? And the it would be obvious Chuuya likes him and then he would get weirded out and hate Chuuya and-

God.

STOP OVERTHINKING IDIOT.

Still, one of the most embarrassing things he's ever experienced.

Maybe the most embarrassing thing actually.

Chapter Text

It wasn't a surprise dazai got out early, Mori was rich enough to persuade people into staying quiet.

It wasn't the first time Dazai had done something like this, it probably won't be the last either.

The welt on his cheek had been covered with concealer, something he has learned to use when the bags under his eyes began to fall far too heavy.

He had stayed home for five days, the first day spent in the hospital, surrounded by his siblings and cousins, odd since he always assumes he would die alone but nevertheless he literally could not leave

The second day was him getting out of the hospital, begging and pleading to be let go, Mori paying people off, saying it was a fluke, he was under the influence, ect, ect.

The third day was medical evaluation, dazai lying to therapists and psychiatrists, saying he was “insanely drunk” and that he'd “never want to do something like that sober”

“I had a lot to drink the night before” dazai explained “snuck into Mori's alcohol cabinet… not something I'm proud of.” He laughed at the right moment “I don't know why I had done it, I can promise you I would never think to do such a thing while sober.” He made his voice somber “it's… horrifying.”

He'd been practicing this speech since he woke up, no, since he started cutting.

Mori had him plan thousands of lies, speeches, stories.

“I might have seen a video on social media about it, I'm easily influenced while under the influence, you know.” He didn't even know if that made sense but he lied anyway.

The psychiatrist had given him a suspicious look, wrote something down on her paper and went back to asking pointless questions.

The fourth day was more evaluation, tests, more lies, more stories.

And the fifth day was filled with even more lies, more documents and finally, Mori taking him home.

SLAP

“WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?” Mori's voice rang through the hallway of their house. Alone. “IT'S BECAUSE YOU DO STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS MY CAREER IS ON THE LINE.”

Mori planted his face in his hand, “first, running away to some delinquent party, then THIS??”

“I HAVE HAD TO CHANGE YOUR NAME SEVERAL TIMES, YOZO. JUST SO WE CAN BE A HAPPY, FUNCTIONAL FAMILY WITHOUT AN ATTENTION SEEKING SON.” He breathed heavily

“You're broken because you broke yourself. Fix yourself before we have to move AGAIN. You got that ‘Osamu?’”

Dazai nodded, words felt like a burden to his shaking jaw.

“TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND.”

“Yes. I understand.” His voice was shaky, barely above a whisper.

“Give me your phone. Go to your room. Fix your FUCKING ARM and study. I'm tired of this. Find out why you're such an attention seeker, why you do this and FIX IT.”

Dazai nodded, hands fumbling as he put the phone in Mori's hand, palms sweaty, entire body trembling.

“Oh, come on. Don't milk it. Stop with the emotional blackmail. Stop acting pathetic, you're probably happy you got coddled all day.”

Dazai bit his lip, desperately fighting back tears.

“Go to your room. And Osamu? Don't make it even harder to love you. I'm trying, but you make it hard.”

Dazai nodded quickly before slowly turning to walk up the stairs.

His vision was blurry as he closed his door, blurry with tears, emotion, fear, exhaustion, he couldn't tell.

He didn't even know how it happened, one moment he was cutting, the next…

Why the fuck did he do this? Mori loved him. He scared his father. Hes such a fucking attention seeker.

He pulled off the bandage, the fabric sticking to the scabs, pulling them loose.

Maybe it hurt, maybe it felt good, he couldn't really tell.

His hands were still shaking. Huh.

He slowly moved his hand to the bandages, wrapping them around the wounds.

His desk felt comfortable, finally sitting in familiarity after spending the entire day, no, entire week, around people he doesn't know and doesn't like.

Death was an interesting concept. Something inevitable, people fear it yet it's going to happen anyway, why not embrace it?

… did ever even actually want to die?

Maybe he just likes the idea.

He can't tell whether he's yearning for death or freedom.

Maybe he just liked the idea of people surrounding his coffin, mourning him.

The idea that he holds weight

The idea that people recognize him

Maybe they'll recognize him more when he's dead

They'll understand everything and feel bad

They'll want him back.

Chapter Text

Dazai's back. The uniform is on, the bus picked him up, he's back.

But he doesn't feel back.

Ever since the party, ever since his cousin's house life hasn't felt real.

Time has gone by too quickly yet not quick enough.

He blinks

Then blinks again

His uniform provides little protection from the chill of early autumn.

The front gate is how he remembered it.

Maybe a bit bigger

Dazai looks for Yosano, Ranpo, anyone.

To avoid them… obviously.

Of course, no one is there.

Thankfully.

He walks through the gate just like the other students.

No one knows why he was missing class

No one notices the new bandage on his arms

No one notices the welt on his cheek covered with makeup

Good.

No one should.

He closes his locker with a thud. Drawing a look from the girl beside him but no one else seems to care.

He feels arms around him and the cry of a woman

“OSAMUUUUU” Yosano cries, holding onto Dazai for dear life.

He freezes, unfreezes, and pushes Yosano off him.

SMACK

not as hard.

No, not hard at all.

“YOU FUCKING IDIOT I WAS SO WORRIED” she shakes his shoulders, screaming a mantra of “what were your thinking?”’s and “Do you even know how worried we were?””s

He just stands and takes it. There's no use fighting her. She's stronger than him anyways.

She stops for a second “... Are you okay? Genuinely.”

He studies her face for a second before putting on that smug, sarcastic mask he uses.

“I'm fine, yosa-”

“No you're not.” She pauses “I'm sorry we made you go to that party. It wasn't fair… of course you would say yes- you can't say no to anyone!”

“Aki-”

“I'm sorry Osamu. You're… I noticed you. We notice you.” Those words break something in Dazai

He can't tell if it's in a good way or bad.

“It's fine. Please, Yosano.” He waves her off. She pauses for a good minute before backing off.

He catches a glimpse of orange.

Fuck no.

“Come ok guys, lets go, yeah? Come on.” He grabs Yosano's jacket sleeve, of course, Ranpo already knew they were leaving. He knows everything.

“Hey- what? Whe-” Yosano stuttered while getting dragged out of the

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dazai spent the entire first period completely disassociated.

He was starting at a small black spot on the wall… was that always there or was he hallucinating it?

He can't let Chuuya know.

He can't let Chuuya know.

He can't let Chuuya know.

…he's mad at Chuuya. Chuuya is jealous of him. Chuuya makes fun of him (probably).

Chuuya and him don't match.

He's not gay.

Chuuya isn't (that) good looking.

…

Fuck.