Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mark Scout sits down on an old velvet chair outside an office. The walls are high and dark wood everything at GANZ university seems foreboding and ominous. Before he can think to run, a silver haired woman is standing in front of him, caging him into the chair. For a moment she’s intense, but it’s almost worse when she smiles, “Welcome, Mr. Scout.”

“Hello.”

“I’m Ms. Cobel, I’m the head of Student Services and Faculty Oversight, the principal for all intents and purposes.”

“Nice to meet you.” He murmurs.

“Welcolme to the Wintertide Fellowship program at GANZ university!”

“Thank you.”

Cobel seems incensed by his disposition. “If you follow me, we can go through the rest of the rules in my office.” She gestures, he follows nervously, her office is decidedly plain.

“What are the rules?” He sighs, something about Cobel’s office makes him uneasy.

She chuckles at his bluntness. “I suppose there might be too many rules for me to state in some long monologue, so I will just glaze over the broader strokes.”

“Alright.” He’s only been here a half hour and he’s already sick of her.

“You are expected to attend all your classes as well as your meeting with your faculty advisor, laziness will not be tolerated.”

“Yes, sure.”

“You are 18 correct?”

“Yeah.”

“Even then, drugs and alcohol will not be tolerated on the grounds. Any student found in possession of such substances will be subject to intense academic sanctions.”

“Fine.”

Cobel exhales. “Finally, though there is no set dress code at the Wintertide fellowship program, we do require a certain level of effort to be put into apparel.” He picked out his Jaws tee-shirt and his best blue jeans out very intentionally this morning, thank you very much, but he just nods to Ms. Cobel. “I’ll let you decompress in your room for a beat before we officially start the welcome processes.”

“Thank you Ma’am.”

“Ma’am! I think you’ll fit in here.”

He finds his dorm room easy enough, it’s smaller and less fancy than the rest of the school but still bigger than his tiny room at home. He enters the room with Mark Scout and Peter Kilmer emblazoned on a wooden plaque on the table. He’d assumed he would have a roommate but when he looks over to the side of the room designated to Peter Kilmer he finds nothing but the white sheets and blue bedsheets standard to the Wintertide fellowship program. He tries to lay down after he gets settled but his boy won’t let him rest until he finds everything that GANZ hides. Mark would think that he’s in a museum, but this place is better than any museum he’s ever been to. Every square foot of wall is covered in some type of art, usually displaying an old bearded white man or possibly a god, Mark isn’t sure which. Mark sees a big imposing door and his body compels him to open it. The room almost takes his breath away, covering the wall are many extravagant and beautiful paintings in ornate frames. But it’s what stands in the middle that truly makes him believe in the concept of beauty.

She’s there, in the painting hall, spinning around, to classical music. In the corner he can see where she’s kicked her ballet flats off and abandoned her navy blue cardigan.
On a twirl she catches a glimpse of him and shouts out, almost losing her balance.“Oh!”

He flinches too, “I’m sorry!”

“Who are you?”

“Mark.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Exploring, I guess. I just got here.”

“Come here.”

“Why would I do that?”

“So I can talk to you without having to yell.” He slinks towards her, still standing in the middle of the room, as the music swells. He stops in front of her, too close, she’s prettier in front of him and she smells of expensive floral perfume. “Hi.”

“So it’s Mark?”

“Yes. Who are you?”

“Unimportant.”

“Alright.”

“You’re new here, aren’t you?”

“First day.”

“You got the welcome to GANZ talk?”

“Yeah, you’ve got another one for me?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“Waltz with me. I’ll lead.”

“You’ll lead? I’m the man.”

“Do you know how to waltz?”

“Well no…”

“Then I’ll lead.”

“Fine.” She grabs one of his hands and throws it onto her shoulder nonchalantly, but her breath still hitches when he squeezes her shoulder lightly. Her hand grabs his other one and holds it up in position. He wants to think about how soft her hands are and how she smells like roses, but her right hand finds his side and he jerks away from her, trying not to laugh.

She does and it might be the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. “You’re ticklish?”

“A bit. You’re stepping on my foot.”

“Why is your foot there?”

“I don’t know, I thought you were the one who knew how to do this!” It’s awkward how they try to dance if they have to take breaks to laugh together. He tries to dip and spin her, it doesn’t really work but it’s worth it to see her blush.

Eventually their feet slow and stop in the middle of the ballroom; their hands stay firmly planted on each other, neither of them moving. “Does everyone at GANZ get a dance from a pretty girl?” She blushes, that was smooth, he knows it, he’s proud of himself.

“No, just you.”

Mark sucks in a breath, “ What’s your name? Do you have one?”

She hesitates for a second like she’s deciding if she does. Eventually she comes back to him with an answer. “Helly.”

“Helly.” He tries the name through his lips. Helena seems laser focused on him. “Helly, can I kiss you, Helly?”

She nods so fast that she transforms into a cloud of red hair and eagerness. Eventually she stops to meet his gaze and smiles, “yeah Mark, you can kiss me.”

He’s done this before, his ex-girlfriend named Gemma and another girl named Alexa at the graduation party, but this time feels different, too close to perfect, the girl in his arms too close to an angel, he’s suddenly scared shitless. He tries and epically fails to keep her hand from shaking as he cups her cheek and leans into her. He’ll always remember how his lips hesitated in front of hers before they made contact and how out of the corner of his eye he saw another figure, bursting their little bubbles of waltzes and tickles.

“Mr. Scout ?” She’s wiggled out of his arms in an instant and is gone from the room in another, carrying her shoes and sweater. If there wasn’t another person in the room, Mark would swear that she was a figment of his imagination.

“Mr. Scout?”

He turns to the voice, he’s taller than him but his age, yet the other boy still addresses him formally. “Yeah? Don’t tell—“

“What you do in your free time doesn’t concern me. I’m Mr. Milchick. Ms. Cobel has requested your presence in the great hall. In business attire, if you please.

“Sure.”

“Thank you.” Milchick turns on her heels and leaves.

He has to run back to his room and dig through his suit case for the nicest clothes he packed and rush to the great hall. And it deserves to be called that, the ornate gold framing showcases murals of Keir and his descendants, Mark suddenly feels unworthy to even be in the room.

Cobel enters the room with Milchick following close behind her, camera in hand making their way to him, caging Mark against the wall like a wild animal. Just as they are about to pounce, the door opens again and both of the figures turn to her. It’s Helly though her new heels and dress make her look older. She strides over to Cobel, kissing her on the cheek twice, smiling.

“Mark Scout, may I introduce you to Helena Eagan?”

He’s about to open his mouth but Helena flashes him a glare from behind the other woman’s back, so he just looks at her and smiles, “Miss Eagan?” Eagan, Eagan, Eagan. She’s an Eagan. She didn’t tell him, he didn’t want to know. She owns this school, she's the reason he’s even here. He’s just her charity case. Cobel positions them like her dolls for her publicity photos, parading the poor kid around to prove that Lumon cares.

In one, she’s holding out a folder, literally giving him a hand out, he manages a small smile, hers is bigger but no less fake. He gets to shake her hand and both of them flinch at the familiar yet forbidden feeling. When he’s finally dismissed, his jaw hurts from smiling and his heart aches from the revelation. He has to lay in his dorm bed until his head stops spinning. When he’s finally come back to earth he gets up and goes for a walk through the grounds. He sees her red hair before anything else, sitting on a bench staring at her feet. He’s walking towards her before he knows it, he’s not totally sure what he’s gonna say when he reaches her but her smile when she sees him coming makes his brain go into overdrive.

“Hi, Mark.”

“Miss Eagan. God, why do all of you address each other so formally?”

“It’s to show respect.”

“I suppose I should've said that to you, Helena.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Hey you never thought to say ‘Hey Mark, I’m an Eagan, you might want to get on your knees and suck my non-existent dick.”

“What?” She nearly screams. “That’s not what I was doing. I was having a grand old time and you broke in!”

“Oh I’m sorry, I forgot you own this whole place, I’ll be sure to knock before I enter your ballroom.”

“God you’re an asshole! How did you even get here?”

“You needed someone to parade around and pretend you like poor people!”

“I would never have picked you!”

“Then make me leave.” She pauses, clearly thinking it over. He knows that she could, that one word from her to Cobel and he’s back to the middle of nowhere with his little sister and his mother’s disappointed face, he’s the one who’s supposed to get out.

Apparently Her Royal Highness is feeling merciful because she turns on her heels and makes her way to the grand doorway, with a simple “fuck you Mark.”

He doesn’t eat that night with everyone else, he can subsist on the snacks he smuggled in until he figures out what to do with the whole Helena Eagan problem. The next morning, he finally ventures out to do some more searching although Mark thinks that he could spend his entire life on this campus and still not break the surface of the intricacies of GANZ. He’s in the library walking through the seemingly endless rows of books ranging from comics to large leather bound collections. He turns into a row, too focused on the books to see her sitting at the end against the wall sitting with her legs tucked under her, leafing through a book, ballet flats strewn across the carpet. He ducks away before he thinks she can see him. He can hear her gasp and then grumble.

“Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“What do you want now?”

He sighs, the collar of his new shirt itches around his neck and he has to stop from scratching it in front of her. “Helena. I’m sorry. I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. But thank you for apologizing anyway. Why are you apologizing? Worried you won’t make any other friends here?”

“Woah Helena, slow down. We’re friends now?”

“You’d be lucky to be. I keep my circle small.”

“That’s a nice way to say you have no friends.”

“Oh fuck off, Mark.”

“I mean I guess I’ll let you hang around me, if you need.”

“You’ve been at this school for like 4 hours? Maybe wait until you actually attend one class before you act like Mr. Popularity.”

“You want to be with me while I take over this school?” He extends his palm out to where she sits.

“You are possibly the corniest man I’ve ever met.” But she still puts her hand in his and lets him pull her to her feet.

“Friends?”

“Sure, Mark.”

“What are we?”

“Friends. Unless I change my mind.”

“Friends.”

Chapter Text

He almost kissed her, she almost let him. Eagans aren’t supposed to let random boys kiss them in the painting hall, but she would’ve. She’s 18 and never kissed anyone, what kind of adult woman hasn’t had her first kiss? Well, she kissed Natalie once but they both agreed they were too drunk and it was too late for it to mean something, she’s still her best friend.

With Mark, it was different, they were dancing, he said she was pretty and asked to kiss her and for a moment everything in her life was clear. Then Seth Milchick came and she bolted like a coward. No wonder he was so pissed at her that he yelled at her when he found out that she was an Eagan. Surprisingly, he was the one to apologize and offered to be friends, just friends, it hit her like a ton of bricks. Still he’s sitting at a table in the library, smiling up at her. He’s dressed more formally this time, he looks out of place, she prefers him in his Jaws t-shirt to a blazer and slacks.

“Can I sit?”

“Hi Helly. Yeah, yeah you can.”

“What are you reading?”

He closes the book to show her, “It’s in Latin. I want to translate it for my final project, have you thought about yours?”

“No. I’ll figure something out though. Do you have plans tonight?”

“Just this, until I pass out at this table.”

“Do you want to have plans?”

“What do you suggest?”

“I know a place, off the grounds. The sunset’s really pretty there, we can watch it go down over the bay.”

“Sounds nice.”

“So I’ll meet you here around 7?”

“Great. I have a meeting with my advisor now, but I’ll see you later?”

“See you later, Mark.” He stands to put the book back and grab his bag, Helena trains his eyes on him as he leaves. There are butterflies in her stomach, Eagans aren’t supposed to get butterflies, they aren’t supposed to want boys to kiss them at sunset on a cliff. But she does, even if they agreed to be friends and if it seems like everyone’s watching her.

—

Those damn insects in her intestinal tract don’t go away by the time she sees him again, in the cafeteria for dinner this time. He’s standing on the other side, reading the same book, when he flips his head up and sees her, he’s walking towards her before she knows it, smiling wide in the stupid boy-ish way that he always does. Before he can reach her he’s intercepted by another boy with a starter beard and glasses.

The shorter boy speaks first, “I’m George, Dylan George." He pauses for laughter that doesn’t come. “You know, like Bond?”

“That’s a good one!” Mark gives him a chuckle. “I’m Mark.” Helena walks to stand beside him, smiling.

“What’s your last name?”

“What?”

“Cause we’re supposed to do the whole last name thing.”

“Oh, Scout, I’m Mark Scout and this is Helly— No. Helena.” Some part of her almost dies of happiness at how he has decided he’s the only one to call her Helly. Well, him and her father when she was little but she’d rather forget that part.

“Nice to meet you, Mark. That's Irving.”

“What?” A voice calls from behind them.

“Oh, sorry, his hearing has gone in his old age.”

Irving comes up behind Dylan throwing his arm around the shorter man. “I’m literally 20, I’m 2 years older than you, I’m not withering away.”

“Debatable.”

“I’m Irving Baliff.”

“Hi Mr.--” Helena stops herself. “Irving. Nice to meet you. I’m–”

“We know who you are?”

“Oh. Right.”

“It’s still nice to officially meet you, Helena.” The boys seem nice but it’s almost 7.

“Mark? We should go if you want to—”

“Where are you going?” Dylan interrupts.

“I know a place by the water.”

“Cool.” Dylan and Irving turn to leave.

Mark interjects, “Do you guys, you know, want to come?” Damnit, he’s not going to kiss her now, at sunset, on the cliff, maybe it’s for the best, maybe he just genuinely doesn’t want to kiss her anymore.

Irving laughs, “Sure! If we aren’t imposing.”

She has to force a smile, she’s good at that. “You aren’t, don’t worry. It’s beautiful up there.”

When they get outside, Dylan and Irv run ahead, Dylan is surprisingly fast as he chases Irv with a caterpillar he found in a tree. Mark stays next to her, walking in time with her, every so often the back of his hand touches hers and she hopes he doesn’t hear her breath hitching.

“Helly?”

“Mark?”

“I hope I didn’t ruin anything for you when I invited Dylan and Irving along.”

“You didn’t, don’t worry.”

“You had no plans for tonight?”

“No.”

“Nothing?”

“Well maybe something, but it’s not going to happen now, is it?” It comes out mean so she looks up to him and smiles, he returns it and they both look to Dylan, who has caught Irv. Eventually the group makes it to the cliff, just in time for sunset. It’s beautiful, the autumn leaves on the trees surround Dieter lake,named after her ancestor but it’s far too beautiful to be the work of the Eagans.

Irving’s beside her in a second. “Helena. This is beautiful.”

“Yeah, you are totally planning all of our hangouts from now on.” Dylan agrees.

“Alright.” She’s never had a friend group, or friends either than Natalie, who’s really just forced to be her friend because her father works for Helena’s. She’s stayed in their shared dorm tonight, it really was supposed to be just the two of them.

Dylan and Irivng wander around the cliff. She kicks off her shoes and dangles her feet over the edge. He’s looming behind her. “Mark, come sit with me.”

He does, so close that she can feel his body heat. “This is beautiful, Helly, just breathtaking.”

“It is, isn't it? I sit up here when things get too much.”

“Do they get like that a lot?”

“Sometimes. I’ve never taken someone else up here. Well someone else and 2 other dumbasses.”

“I’m flattered. And sorry.” She shudders a bit as cold winds draft up from the water.

“You're cold.”

“No shit.”

“Do you want my jacket?”

“Why would I?”

“Cause it’s fucking freezing out here.”

“Then you’ll be cold.”

“I don’t care.”

“Neither do I.” She says, straightening her back.

“Take my fucking jacket, Helly.”

“Okay, fuck you.” He drapes his blazer around her and she curls into it and his lingering fingers on her back. “It’s so scratchy and cheap.”

“Okay, Helly.”

She leans against him and she thinks he’s just about to put her arm around her when she hears Dylan and Irving run up behind them. “Heads up Lovebirds!”

Chapter Text

Helena’s sitting on the arm of his chair. Well not his chair, just a chair that he happens to be sitting in, in a short burgundy skirt and sheer black tights. It’s an innocent enough gesture, but he still has to avoid looking at her long legs. “Mark.” He hears one of his friends call. Dylan and Irving are sitting in the two armchairs surrounding the card table. Both of them are too ingrained in their card game, it’s not a particularly high-stakes game of Black Jack, just nickels and dimes but Mark’s heart is beating out of his chest, more likely because of wave of expensive rose perfume and lavender shampoo then the jack of spades and queen of hearts in his hand. She came in halfway through their last hand, plopped herself on his armchair and looked at his cards. “Mark!” Dylan’s voice finally breaks through his thoughts. “Hello dumbass. Do you stay?”

“Um, hit me.” He stutters.

“Mark? Why would you do that?” She stage-whispers in his ear, still so close.

“I’ve got a plan.” He doesn’t. Irving slides him a card, when he picks it up, she scoffs, the ace of clubs. Relief washes over him. Eventually they show, Dylan’s has 16, Irving 20, he’s got 21, Helena giggles and drags the small pile of coins towards them both.

Irv offers to deal her in but before he can Mr. Milchick comes in, interrupting without a care for their important game. “Miss Eagan? Ms. Cobel has requested your presence.”

“Ugh. Why?”

“I’m not sure.”

Helena huffs but stands, pulling her skirt down. “Give me a second, Mark has 16 by the way.”

He gasps but by the time he thinks of a retort she’s gone. “Fuck hit me again.” Irv does.
It’s a 6, he has 22 and folds, leaning back on his chair. “I’m out.”

“Lost your lucky charm?” Dylan quips.

“Maybe. She’s certainly something.”

“You;ve been blushing the entire time she’s been sitting there.”

“It’s hot in here.”

“Oh, fuck off you like her.”

“I do not.” Even he hears how his voice goes up a couple of octaves when he says that.

“Okay, sure.”

“Just play, Dylan.” They play a couple more hands, he wins none of them.

Eventually, she comes, she looks pale like she’s seen a ghost. “Guys, my father’s coming, to give a speech.”

Dylan laughs. “Oh my God. Are we finally gonna meet Mr. Helena?”

“Hopefully not.” She sits in the chair beside Mark and Dylan and watches them play.

—
Eventually Dylan has to sneak out to see Gretchen, his girlfriend from off campus that Mark and Irving aren’t completely sure is real and Irv retires to his room. Mark and Helena sit in the chairs, he plays with the cards and she picks at her nail beds. “Helly?
You okay?”

“Mark? Can we go for a walk?”

“Yeah, let's go.”

The leaves fall around them as the two make their way through the gardens. She speaks first, still looking at the ground, “Thanks for coming with me.”

“Of course.”

“I wanted to talk to you about my father’s visit.”

“Sure.”

“He wants you to speak, to thank him for your scholarship.”

He exhales, “This isn’t a request, is it?”

“No.”

“Alright then.” He takes her hand and she squeezes it reassuringly.

—
He doesn’t see her at all that week, it nearly kills him, he does his school work and hangs out with Dylan and Irv and lives his life but something is missing. Something that can never be filled except for by her. Finally, he’s standing back stage watching as Jame Eagan is introduced by Harmony Cobel. When Helena walks in a blue dress and her hair up, his heart stops and it doesn’t start again until she reaches over and adjusts his collar.

“If it helps, I think you look nice.”

“But not too nice? I’m the charity case here after all.”

“Thank you for this.”

“Yeah, yeah of course.”

“You know what to say?”

“Yeah they gave me the speech, you know ‘thank you for the opportunity, I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.’” She giggles but then her face darkens.

“Mark, let’s go.”

“Your father’s about to go on? We’re next?”

“Just let’s go.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. Just please.”

“Okay, okay, lead the way.” She grabs his hand and leads him through the halls of the University, eventually still they end up in her room sitting on the plush carpet that he certainly doesn’t have in his room.

She stands up and goes to rummage through her drawers until she emerges, victorious holding a bottle of something.

“Hey look.”

“What is it?”

“What do you think it is? It’s a bottle of wine?”

“For us?”

“Who said I’m sharing with you?” She opens the bottle and takes a swig.

He reaches for it, expectantly, “Give it.” She does and he takes a sip, it’s good, better than any cheap wine he’s ever had. “It’s fine.”

They talk for hours about everything sitting on the floor of her room, “Where do you want to go?”

“Everywhere, I’ve never been anywhere except for my house and here.”

“Just everywhere? Okay we can do that.”

“Where have you been?”

“Oh you know, everywhere.” She smiles.

“Fine, Where haven’t you been?”

Helena thinks for a second, “The South Pole, and the Equator.”

“So that’s where we’ll go first.”

She’s looks at him for a minute with shining eyes before she simply leans in and asks, “Yes?”

“Yes.” They’re about to kiss, for the first time even if it feels like they’ve been here for a thousand years, he only feels the slightest brush of her lips, when she flings herself back, gasping.

“Get into the closet!” He only hears footsteps then.

“What? We aren’t doing anything.”

“Shush, just get in there. Please Mark.”

“Fuck, okay.” He rushes in, cramming himself in between cashmere sweaters and ballet flats. He can only see a glimpse of what’s going on outside.

Jame Eagan looks even more imposing next to Helena, even if they are the same height, his voice is gravelly and hoarse when she speaks to her.“Helena.”

“Father.”

“Where were you?”

“I had other matters to attend to.”

“This is unacceptable behaviour, you are aware of that. It is a disgrace on the Eagan name, to my name.”

“Oh no.” She tries to act nonchalant but her voice wavers.

It just seems to anger her father more. He hears the slap before he sees it, sharp and stinging in the air, he flinches too, shutting his eyes tightly before he remembers her and forces his eyes open to look at her. She’s still Helly, still defiant standing with her cheek red and tears threatening to spill.

Mark can see his eyes flick down to their bottle of wine. “You’ve imbibed, haven’t you?”

“Maybe a bit. I’m a disappointment remember?”

“You are a disgrace, you don’t deserve to be my daughter.”

“You don’t—” He hits her again, back handed, he can see the imprint of his ring on her face, the Eagan crest. He wants to jump out of the closet and put himself in between her and her father but she just gives a warning glance towards the armoire and he stays, Jame is gone before he knows it and she’s left standing in the middle of the room, shoulders hunched and tears falling silently. He steps out of her closet slowly like her father might still be there ready to pounce on him.

“Helly.”

“Yeah Mark?” She’s shaking now.

“Are you okay?” He tries to inch closer, knowing he shouldn’t crowd her, she however rushes him driving her arms around his neck, collapsing into him. He can’t do anything but catch her. “Oh, oh okay Helly, it’s okay, Hi.”

“Mark, I’m sorry.” But she doesn’t let go, in fact she tightens her grip around him as he half carries half drags her over to her bed, so she can sit.

“You don’t have to be sorry. Now do you want to lie down?” She nods and only then does she loosen her grip and let her body fall down to her pillow.

“Will you stay a bit longer?”

“Yeah Helly, I will.” He brushes a stray lock of hair out of her face and she finally closes her eyes.

Chapter Text

Mark stays all night, everytime her eyes flutter open he’s there, he’s sitting on the bed by her head, stroking her hair and then by her feet, staring at her door, finally at her desk, writing something. She almost wants to get up when she hears a knock at her door, she’s relieved to just see Irv handing Mark two cups of coffee, he takes a sip of one and places the other on the table beside her bed. When he leaves, it’s only because Natalie walks into their room, she stayed overnight someplace else that night. They exchange a few words and Mark leaves, looking at her eyes fluttering open and closed.

“How was last night?”

“Is my father gone?” They both know what happened.

“He left this morning.”

“Okay.”

“Mark was in your room?”

“Yeah, we were just sitting on the floor, drinking the wine.”

“The graduation wine?”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” She's not sorry at all about drinking the wine that her and Natalie were going to drink once they finally got out of this place.

“Did you do anything?”

“With Mark?”

“Obviously.”

“No!”

“Do you want to?”

“What?”

“You know, sex. Do you want to fuck him?”

She can’t breathe. “Natalie!”

“You do! You totally do!”

“Stop!”

“He likes you!”

“He—” She sips on the coffee that’s grown cold, it tastes of vanilla and there's oat milk written on the cup. She whispers, “He remembered.” and Natlie bursts out laughing.

—

Eventually, she gets dressed, pants today and a short sleeve crochet top and wanders to the cafeteria, before she gets there, she feels herself being pulled to the library to where he knows he is, even if her heart is pounding at the thought of seeing him for the first time since he spent the night in her room.

“Good morning.”

“Mark. Can I sit” He sweeps all the books and papers off the couch in a second, just so she can sit.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. My cheek still stings.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I should’ve—”

“Don’t do that, it’s not fair.”

“I could’ve got out of the damn closet.”

“That’s very valiant, but I’m not sure that would’ve fixed anything.”

“Well—”

“I want to thank you.”

“Why the hell would you want to do that?”

“For what you did after.”

“What I did?”

“He’s hit me so many times but I haven’t had someone hold me after like you did in so long. Since my mother.” She's never felt more safe in his arms, ever.

“Your mother?”

“She died. When I was five.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ve heard that one before.”

“If it helps, my father’s dead too. I was thirteen. It’s fine though, he was an asshole.”

“I can relate to that one.”

“We were better after, my mom was pregnant with my sister, she’s five now, we were free. Then she got sick.”

“Mark, I’m sorry.”

“She’s okay, she’s managing. She told me to leave, that she would be fine, I don’t know about it. Some days I just sit awake and wait for the call. I’m going home for fall break, I’ll see them then.”

“It’s going to be okay, Mark.”

“It will, won't it?” When she looks at him, for a second she swears he looks at her lips and he’s about to kiss her. But someone walks by their row and she insitcitvaly leans back.

Still she smiles and he returns it.“It will.”

“What are you doing then?”

“Going back to my house, same as you.”

“I wouldn’t call it a house.” She laughs at him, it really shouldn’t be called a house, maybe a mansion or a palace. But it isn’t a home, not like how he says it, with a reverence that she could never possess for the place she was raised. He must see the gears spinning in her head as she tries to think of a witty retort. “Hey, do you want to come back with me then?”

“Back to your house?”

“Yeah I mean I’ll have to ask my mom, but I’m sure she’d be okay with it. If it’ll be okay with—”

“He won’t care.”

“Okay then, you’ll come?”

“Yeah, Mark.” Fall break isn’t for a couple of weeks, still there’s a warmth in her chest that won’t dissipate.

“‘Kay, do you want to go eat with me?”

“Sure, I think Irv and Dylan are there anyways.”

“Let’s maybe not tell them about this? I don’t want them to get the wrong idea.” The wrong idea, all the times he almost kissed her were wrong. She wants to ask him what he means by that, but she’s too afraid, afraid that all the lingering glares and him blushing when she sits too close to him will stop. She doesn’t know who would want her anyways, with all her shit and mental breakdowns and asshole fathers.

“Of course.” They’re some part of her that's disappointed, but she feels better when he grabs her hand and interlaces their fingers, squeezing it and pulling her up and down the hall towards the cafe.

He only drops her hand, when they get to the cafeteria, Dylan, Irving and Natalie are sitting at a table, grouped together and whispering intensely, the group flies apart trying to look inconspicuous, Dylan is the first to speak, “Hi guys! Helena, where have you been keeping Nat?”

“I know, I’m pretty cool.” Natalie jokes.

Mark turns to Helena. “Hey, are you hungry?”

“Can you get me a coke?” She smiles and looks up at him.

“Sure.”

“Can I have a coke too?” Dylan yells after Mark.

“Get it yourself!” Dylan rolls his eyes. When Mark gets back, holding two cokes and some french fries, Irving moves so he can sit beside her sliding one coke towards her and starting on his fries. Dylan makes a move for one of the potato sticks and Mark’s hand comes down onto his, hard. Dylan cries out, Mark doesn’t seem sorry, just shrugging and saying, “Those are my fries.” Helena feels almost bad for Dylan. She reaches slowly for Mark’s fries, she doesn’t think Mark will hit her hand away, she doesn’t think he’d ever hit her. She manages to steal a small fry from the side of the tray and smile at Natalie. If he notices her, he doesn’t say anything. She gets more cocky eventually, taking another fry and reaching across him to dip it in ketchup, he laughs, “I thought you weren’t hungry?”

“I changed my mind.” He shifts the fries closer to her.

Natalie kicks her under the table and Dylan calls them disgusting but Helena is so happy right where she is.

Chapter Text

Mark and Helena wait outside of GANZ, it’s gotten colder all of a sudden. For the first time since he’s known her, she’s wearing jeans, Natalie’s probably, they look amazing on her. “I’ve gotten a car for us. So we don’t have to take the bus.”

“You didn’t have to do that. You really didn’t.” It comes out harsh.

She curls into herself.“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. It’ll just be a little weird rolling up to Rosetown in a limo.”

“It’s not a limo. It’s barely a towncar.”

“Okay. I just want you to know that we aren’t going to like a city. There’s really only one grocery store and corn.”

“And you?”

“Yeah, me, only me for the entire week.”

“Is it too late to back out?”

“Yeah. Fern’s already excited for you.”

“You call your mom Fern?”

“God, no, please don’t tell her I said that.”

“Fine.”

It is a tiny car, only two seats in the back, Helena doesn’t seem to mind, it’s only a 5 hour drive. They read their own books, then switch reading each other's notes in the margins. They talk and laugh and play I-spy even if there’s really only fields of corn and wheat, occasionally some cows graze in the fields, Helly makes sure that she points each of them out. He’s willing to bet there aren’t any cows in the stuffy New England mansions where she was raised. Towards the end of the drive, Mark goes back to reading, Helena goes quiet, he’s concerned for a second until he feels her head lull onto his shoulder, she’s snoring softly. It might be annoying to have her breathing in his ear, but he doesn’t care, he just goes back to reading and tries not to look at her for too long, even if she does look peaceful. Eventually, the driver pulls into his town and Mark can’t help but get excited. He spent the better part of his 18 years wishing he could be somewhere else but there’s something that reminds him of all the memories within the townlines, now Helena’s here, even if she’s asleep now and missing most of it.

Finally they pull up to his house and Mark can’t contain himself.

He brushes a lock of hair out of her face. “Helly?”

“Mm.”

“We’re here.”

“Oh.” She opens her eyes.

“You’ve got to get up.”

She lifts her head and wipes her eyes.“How long was I sleeping?”

“Like an hour and a half.”

“On you the whole time?”

“Most of it. It’s okay though.”

“I wasn’t apologizing, you are quite comfortable.”

“Thank you?”

“Anytime. Where’s your house again.”

“It’s the shitty, tiny blue one. It’s a Lumon project.”

“Oh, I should’ve—”

“No, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to be an Eagan.”

“Then who am I?”

“Helly.”

“Thats it?”

“That’s it.”

“I like that.”

When they pull up to his house, his mom’s waiting for them outside, her hair is short but not as short as it was last time. She looks tired, but not as sick, Devon might just be wild recently. People always said that he was his mom’s twin but younger and male , Devon looks more like their dad, if he was an adorable 5 year old girl instead of a dead asshole. He runs to his mom, sweeping her up into a hug, Helena follows close behind, she keeps her space, until he grabs her hand and pulls her closer. “Mom, Helena, Helena, Mom.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Scout.”

“Please call me Fern.”

“Mrs.– Fern, nice to meet you.” His mother reaches out and hugs Helena, Mark cringes. Helena goes tense but soon relaxes into his mother.

“It’s really nice to meet my son’s girlfriend.”

“I’m not, we’re not—”

“Oh I know. I’m just not convinced.”

“Mom? What?”

“Look at you both!”

Luckily, before they have to answer, Devon runs straight into Mark’s arms, expecting to be picked up. “Mark!” God he missed her, how she’s so little and yet still smarter than him.. Devon hugs him but then looks to Helena. “I’m Devon.”

“I’m Helly.”

“You’re pretty, Mark, she’s pretty.” Helena blushes.

“Isn’t she?” Mark smiles as both of them are looking at Helena. He hears his mother scoff but Helena reaches over to Devon, playing with one of her pigtails.

“You’re pretty too.” Devon blushes and tucks her face into Mark’s shoulder.

“Are you guys hungry?”

“I thought I’d take Helly out. Show her around.”

“I thought there wasn’t anything but corn here.”

“Hey, it's really interesting corn.”

“Oh, of course, lead the way then.”

“Can I take the car?”

His mom laughs, “Yeah, just don’t do anything that’s going to get me banned from the Parent-Teacher Association at Devon’s school.”

“Mom!” He blushes and Helena loses it.

—
He wasn’t lying, there isn’t much in his town, but she looks amazed at all the cows and corn and abandoned stores. Sometimes, he looks over to her, there isn’t much, but he thinks that her sitting in the passenger seat of his shitty beater might be the best thing he’s ever seen. If he could imprint her silhouette on his eyes he would, just to see her everyday.

“I didn’t realize you could—”

“Drive stick? It’s not that hard once you get used to it.”

“Just drive?”

“You don’t know how to drive?”

“I have people for that.”

“Oh right I forgot. Where do you want to do Ma’am?”

She giggles. “Anywhere, Mr. Scout.

Eventually they end up meandering around the one grocery store in his town, Helena puts every seemingly sweet thing in his cart, candy and cookies and all different kinds of sodas in various colours.

“Mark!” He hears from behind, the voice is familiar but it is strikingly unwelcome, like he’s been caught.

“Hi Gemma.” He smiles but he can feel Helena behind him, looking at the other woman. “Gemma, this is Helena.”

“Hi.” Helena steps forward, smiling, but she still stays close to him.

“Is she your girlfriend?” He can tell by the tone of her voice that she’s just asking but it still sticks Mark with the overwhelming urge to say yes.

“I’m not.” Helena sighs.

“Oh okay.” Gemma seems surprised.

“Well it was nice seeing you, Gem.”

“Mark, Helena.” She turns around and heads towards the check out.

Helena turns to Mark, “Were you two a thing?”

“She was my first girlfriend ever.”

“And you broke up?

“Yeah, before university, we wanted different things.”

“She’s gorgeous.”

“She is.”

They get back in the car. Mark needs to find a perfect place, if such a thing exists, he’ll find it for her, he needs to find it for her. Eventually he settles on the older drive-in movie theatre.
He parks and turns to her as she hands him an orange soda and takes one for himself. “It’s a drive in. They play movies here sometimes, it’s a little vintage, but there’s not much else to do.”

“Fun. Mark, look, fireflies.”

“Pretty.”

“Everything here is.”

“Even me?” He smiles wide.

“Oh fuck off Mark.” He mopes exaggeratedly. “Fine, you’re pretty. So pretty, just the prettiest.”

“Yay.”

“Was that good enough?”

“It was perfect.”

“Am I pretty?”

“Yeah, fuck of course. Helly.” He sputters. He thinks about alot of things, probably too much, but he doesn’t have to think about that.

“Thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

“Anytime.” He smiles at her and she smiles back. He wants to lean in but he wonders if that might ruin the moment and if she really wants him like that. So he puts the car into gear and pulls away. “I think my mom made dinner.”

“Okay.” And they drive off into the sunset.

Chapter Text

Helena’s sitting beside Mark, across from Devon at the dinner table, when Fern sets their food down in front of her and Mark “This looks really good, Mom.”

“Yeah, it does, thank you.” Helena smiles, she doesn’t want to eat, she almost never does in front of other people. But she somehow feels safer than she ever has in front of Fern Scout and her children.

“It’s just chicken and rice.”

“Huh.”

A strange look flashes across Mark’s mom’s face. “Is that Mark’s sweater?”

“Oh, yeah we went on the walk and—.”

“Oh!” She smiles.

“What, Mom?”

“Nothing.”

Helena tries to change the conversation. “So what do you do for work, Mrs– Fern. Fern.”

“I teach fourth grade. When I’m feeling well.”

“Oh.” Helena sighs, Mark mentioned she was sick and now Helena’s screwed up so badly.

Fern smiles sympathically. “I’ve got breast cancer. I’m in remission.”

“Mom!”

“I’m sorry.” Helena sighs. Their hands find each other under the table and Mark rubs his thumb in circles. Helena’s heart almost flips upside down. To her delight, Mark only lets it go when it’s time to eat. Fern lets her blend in so seamlessly, like she’s been a part of the family for her entire life instead of where she’s actually from, a stale awful hellscape where dreams go to die. For a night at least, she’s happy to pretend. She immerses herself when they wash the dishes after dinner, standing beside Mark with a dish towel in hand as she dries the dishes that Mark hands her after dinner, they play Candyland with his Devon after. Devon quits after a while and joins Helena’s team sitting on her lap while Mark and Helena battle it out on the way to the rainbow castle.

Fern stands in the doorway. “Hey kids, I don’t know where you were planning on sleeping, Mark you’ll show her the closet?”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Hey Helly?” Devon almost squeaks

“Yeah Devvie?”

“Can we have a sleepover?”

“Let’s do it.”

Devon looks at her brother. “No boys allowed?”

“Sorry Mark.” Helena giggles back, the look in Mark’s eyes nearly makes her melt.

“I suppose it’s okay, I'll have my bed all to myself.” He cheers.

Devon is so excited, she tries to stay up late so they can do ‘sleepover things’. But eventually after the 3rd dance party, Devon just collapses into Helena’s arms fast asleep. She puts Devon in her bed with princesses on it. The little girl looks so peaceful, curled in her blankets. Helena doesn’t remember much about being five years old, she’s not sure she wants to. Devon just looks so little, so innocent and calm snoring lightly. How could he do that to someone so small and so innocent? She knows Mark didn’t have the easiest childhood, neither did she, but Devon does. She gets to have sleepovers and family dinners and whatever she wants.

Devon did try to make a semi-comfortable sleeping era for her, but a mermaid towel and a fluffy throw pillow doesn’t cut it at all. Mark would probably tease her for not being able to sleep on anything other than a 1000 thread count sheets but this has got to be pushing it. She tries to slink out of the room but she slips on a Barbie doll and swears out loud, fortunately the little girl sleeps like the dead and Helena can sneak down the hall. His mother did say she could ask him where their linen closet was, though she wants to scream as she hesitates before she opens the door to his room. Mark’s room is so undeniably him, books everywhere, peeling posters that are too dark to make out littering his walls. He’s there, in bed, he doesn’t even stir. This whole family would sleep through the apocalypse. She feels like a ghost standing over his bed.

“Mark?” He doesn’t even flinch. “Mark, where do you keep your linens?” She trails her hand across his arm.

Finally, he mumbles, “What the fuck are linens?”

“Sheets, dumbass.”

“Oh.” He yawns. “You can sleep here.”

“In your bed?”

“Mm, yeah.” His eyes are closing as she slips in beside him.

They lay there for about 30 seconds until he rolls on his side, sliding his legs out of the blanket. “I can go to the couch, if you want?”

“No, no, it’s fine. Unless you want to.”

“I’ll stay, it’s comfortable here.”

“Goodnight, Mark.”

“Night, Helly.”

—

For the first time in her life, Helena almost sleeps through the night, only waking once to feel Devon pushing her closer towards Mark and climbing in beside her, and Mark turns over to wrap his arm around them both.

She only comes to when she hears him laughing too close to her ear, “What do you want, Mark?”

“This is a double bed, there are way too many people in here.”

“Are you kicking us out?” Devon is still fast asleep curling into Helena.

“No, no, well maybe whoever was kicking me all night.”

“That might’ve been me.”

“Damn.”

“Do you think Devon’s mad at me?”

“Look at her, she loves you.”

“I promised her no boys.”

“Should I leave then?”

“Don’t you dare.” She laughs and Devon opens her eyes and giggles too.

Just then his mother comes in and smiles. Helena somehow feels embarrassed to be caught. “Hi you two!”

“Me too!” Devon exclaims with too much excitement for the morning.

“Hi baby! What are you doing here?” Fern smiles, she doesn’t question why Helena is there. She makes eye contact with her for just a second and Helena feels the need to turn away and blush, but behind her is only Mark’s broad chest, she wouldn’t mind burying her head into him but that probably wouldn’t do much to dissuade the rumours.

“Helly snuck out to sleep with Mark, so I wanted to too.”

Fern can barely contain her amusement. “She did, didn’t she?”

“Mom!” Mark shouts, if she had enough room to turn around, she’s willing to bet his cheeks are bright red.

“Whatever, Dev, do you want to come help me make pancakes?” The little girl jumps out of bed to follow her mother. “You two, don’t be long.”

“Thank you, Fern!” Helena has to smile at his mother’s warm grin, even if it’s because she thinks her and Mark are dating. As much as she tries to push it down, she doesn’t hate the thought at all. Fern and Devon leave the room quickly leaving Mark and Helena laying in his bed, shielding their bodies from the cold fall air of his house.

“You slept in my bed.”

“You invited me and stayed.”

“You walked in at midnight, you couldn’t have pulled me from my bed.”

“It is really comfortable.”

“Better than my couch.”

“Definetly.”

“I’ll still sleep there tonight.”

“Do you have to?”

“I don’t think it’s going to do much to quell the dating rumours going around my family.” She laughs, leaning in too close to where his head lies on the pillow.

“What dating rumours?”

“Some people might infer that we are- you know…”

“Where would they get that idea?”

“I haven’t the foggiest.” He shrugs, facing her on the pillow. He’s so close to her, Helena wonders if she has morning breath. He doesn’t seem to care, he even brushes his hand down her cheek. “So pancakes?”

“Pancakes sound nice.”

Chapter Text

Mark sits across from Helena and Natalie in the cafeteria as Helly recounts their fall break. It almost makes her heart burst when she talks about their trip to his house, how she even found the corn fields endearing. Natalie laughs along as she talks about his house. “How was sleeping on the couch?” Natalie questions. Helena smiles and almost bursts out laughing, he’s pretty sure he blushes when she looks at him. Natalie sighs and rolls her eyes.

“It was so cute Nat! Devon wanted to have a sleepover! She even laid out a little Princess towel for me and a pillow. I couldn’t sleep like that though.”

“So what did you do?”

“I snuck out.”

She rolls her eyes and something changes in the atmosphere. “Oh fuck. Where, Helena?”

“Well I needed somewhere to sleep.” Helena bites back.

“So you slept with him?” Natalie whispers like he isn’t right there.

Helena scoffs, “I slept in his bed.”

“With him in it.”

“And his sister, she joined us too.”

“Did she?”

He can see that she’s almost getting annoyed with her best friend. “Yes! Nat! You know what? Fuck this, I’m getting a tea.” She stands and looks down at him. “Mark, do you want another coffee?” She knows that he won’t drink tea. He doesn’t have to answer her before she’s picking up his mug. She turns to Natalie and swallows, “Nat do you want anything?” The blonde shakes her head and Helena walks off.

Finally, he’s alone with Nat, who is now looking at him with contempt. Finally, she sighs derisively “Okay.”

“Okay?” He retorts.

“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing with her, but I swear if you hurt her. She’s been through so much!”

“I know that Natalie.” He’s trying so hard to keep his tone mellow, but he also doesn’t appreciate her talking like he doesn’t care about Helly. Because he does, more than he’s ever cared about anyone else.

“You don’t. You weren’t there. Just don’t lead her on. She really does like you.”

“Does she?” He has to swallow the bubble of pride that arises in his throat.

“God, you both are dumbasses. Do you like her?”

“Natalie.” He warns again.

“Say it, Mark.”

“Don’t tell her.”

“She knows. Well maybe. But some part of her knows. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.”

“Thank you, Nat, but…”

“Alright, Mark, you’re going to tell me I don’t get it and I don’t. You two are idiots, you deserve each other and yet you refuse to act on it.” She gets up and leaves the cafeteria, Helena watches her leave with two mugs in hand.

“Helly.” She puts the coffee down in front of him, she remembers how he likes it.

“It’s okay.” She grabs his hand from across the table and he smiles at her. Reaching into his bag with his free hand.

“I have something for you and me.” He slides a VHS tape across the table and she picks it up in her hands and examines the movie. “I brought it back from my house. It was my favourite as a kid.”

“The Sound of Music.”

“I promise it’s a good movie.”

“Do you want to come over tonight? I have a television there, we can watch it.”

“How did you get a tv?”

“I’m an Eagan. It sucks sometimes but I do have some pull.” She sips her tea.

“Are you sure, alone?”

She laughs, “I love Natalie so much and I owe her so much, she wants to protect me.”

“That’s good.”

“But she doesn’t need to protect me, not from you.”

“Not from me?”

“No. I know you won’t hurt me, at least on purpose.”

“By accident?”

“Don’t deny it, sometimes you can be a dumbass.”

“Fuck you. Maybe sometimes.”

“Whatever we do, we keep it just ours.”

“I’d like that, so I’ll see you tonight for our little pajama party?”

“Pajama party?”

“Yeah, don’t tell me you don’t sleep in pajamas.” He thinks the vision of her without pajamas might kill him.

“No, I do, most of the time, just never with anyone but Natalie. It isn’t proper.”

“Isn’t that what makes it fun?”

“Shut up Mark.”

“I’ll see you tonight.”

At 7pm he knocks on his door. His jaw nearly drops when he sees her, standing in the doorway smiling at him, she’s wearing his Jaws t-shirt and pajama pants. He doesn’t remember giving her that shirt but he doesn’t mind at all, in fact it fills Mark with a strange sense of pride, he never wants to see Helena in anything but his clothing, even if he knows that he could never voice that. Natalie Kalen isn’t wrong, he does like Helly, so much. He doesn’t know if he loves her, it’s too early but he thinks that if he will ever love anyone romantically, it’s going to be Helly.

“H—Hi Helly.”

“Mark.” She smiles. “You like my pajamas?”

“I do.”

“It’s just something I threw on.”

“It looks nice on you, where’d you get the shirt, I swear I had one just like it…”

“Huh.”

“It seems to have disappeared.”

“Do you want me to take it off?”

“No! I mean not right now. You can keep it, it looks good on you.”

“I’ve never seen Jaws. I know it’s about a shark but…” She laughs pulling at the shirt.

“What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Haven’t decided that. Turn on this movie first.”

“Okay Helly."

He does and the screen comes to life with the Sound of Music, Mark stands back and watches her as watch it.

“Come here.” Helly beckons.

He obviously has to follow her orders, sitting beside her. The dorm bed is tiny when he sits. Even pressed against the wall their hips still touch. “We’re both sitting on your bed?”

“Yeah?” She rolls her eyes. “Don’t mind what Nat said, she doesn’t get it.”

“Are we friends?”

“No.” His mouth goes dry.

“What do you mean no?”

Helena talks about it so easily. “We’re not friends, we’re something else.”

“What else?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Watch the movie, Helly.”

“What’s even happening?”

“She’s singing about her favourite things.”

“Kettles and mittens? Those are her favourite things?”

“Do you have anything better?”

“I— not fucking mittens.”

“You’re my favourite thing.”

“Fuck off, that’s so corny.” She pushes him away.

He doubles down and her breath hitches. “You are, Helly, you are the best thing here, possibly on this earth.”

“You’re my favorite thing too, I thought I had everything before but you made me realize how much I lacked.”

“I’m sorry.” He reaches forward to brush her hair out of her face and she smiles, he can see tears forming in her eyes. He never wants to make her cry.

She laughs slightly, the same way she does when she calls him a dumbass with no malice behind it.“No. It’s not a bad thing, you make me want more, and I want to do it with you or with no one.”

“Then let’s do it.” He doesn’t know what she means by more if she means going to Europe or getting married. He’d do it with her either way.

“Tommorow though, now I want to see if the Von Trapps escape the Nazis.”

“Okay.” She lays her head on his shoulder and pulls the blankets over them both. Her sheets are so soft, better than his by far or maybe it’s just the fact that she sits so close to him, one of her manquired hands holding his moderately scrawny bicep as her eyes glow with the lights of the tv. He knows he should stop sleeping beside her, he might stop being able to sleep anywhere else. He lets sleep take him stuck in between the views of the Austrian countryside and her red hair.

Mark jolts awake when something hits his arm hard. For someone so small, she’s strong. He manages to dodge her next strike without completely falling off her bed. When his vision clears he can see just how much pain she’s in. Her eyes are squeezed shut almost painfully and every muscle in her body is tense. “No, no!” She screams before her voice softens and she whimpers out, “Father, no, please.” Mark’s heart breaks at the mention of her father, he’s only met him once and Jame Eagan scares the shit out of him, he can’t imagine the shit Helena went through living with him for 18 years.

“Hey,hey Helly, baby.” He cringes at the nickname, he’s never called anyone baby. She keeps thrashing, he doesn’t know what to do at all, her face is scrunched in pain. “Okay, Helly? Can you hear me? It’s okay.”

Her eyes snap open and her fists close shut tightly, she’s about to attack like a wild animal does when it’s backed into a wall, instinctual and terrified. “Mark?” He nods and smiles even if he’s scared. “Hi, Mark. You’re still here.”

“We fell asleep before Maria even married the dad.”

She tries to laugh and she looks at the tv in waiting mode. “We did. Didn’t we? We should finish it later.” She’s smiling but she’s still hyperventilating.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She exhales shakily and shakes her head. “Not right now.” She sighs, her hand on his chest keeping him away, all he wants to do is lay in her bed and hold her.“Mark, what are you doing in my bed?”

“I can leave if you want.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what do you need?”

“What are we doing here?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s the thing, I want to know.”

“You want to know what?”

“If you like me, if you want to be something.”

“I do. I definitely do, Helly, I have since I first met you, since we danced.” He wonders if she can see how nervous he is. “I just didn’t want to ruin anything between us, between our friends.”

“You wouldn’t have… you won’t. They already think we’re—”

“Yeah, yeah, they do.” She laughs and buries her head into his neck.

“Lets talk about it in the morning.”

“Okay. In the morning.”

He opens his arms, just in case she wants to lay there, she does, letting him envelope her. Her head lays on his chest and he’s so close, he can smell her shampoo. Her fingers play with the cotton of his t-shirt, probably sizing up her next theft, he won’t mind if she steals the shirt off his back, if it means she has something that reminds her that there’s one person in her life that cares about her more than he’s ever cared about anyone.

Chapter Text

Helena doesn’t know how it happened but as they read their respective books, she swung her legs over Mark’s thighs, he doesn’t seem to mind. “Hey Helly?” He places a bookmark into her novel and places it on the table.

“What do you want, Mark?” She means for it to sound annoyed but she’s smiling too hard.

“Do you want to get out of here?” He smiles back.

“Like to the cafeteria.”

“No, you know, the world outside GANZ?”

“Sure?” She must look so confused because he laughs, he always laughs so warmly, it’s never at her expense.

“I want to take you to dinner, Helly. If you want to, too.”

“I do, Mark, but I don’t know if they’ll grant us permission.”

“We need permission? To leave the premises? We are adults aren’t we?”

“Yes, and no, it's complicated when there's an Eagan and it’s a Lumon school and…”

“What do we have to do?” He asks so simply like they’re making breakfast plans.

Helena loves how he hasn’t been ruined by the Eaganness of it all. She might ruin him, make her sweet boy that remembers how she likes her coffee and lets her borrow his shirts. She likes the way that she looks in his clothes, how they fit her and cloak her body in cotton warmth that smells like coffee and sandalwood.

“You still want to go?”

“Yeah, yeah I want to take you out. We need a good adventure. ” She’s never had someone take her out, with no ulterior motive, Mark might just want her, for her. She hopes he does.

“Really?”

“Well, they aren’t just going to let us go alone.”

“Then Natalie and the boys can come. And we can run away.”

“God, I owe Nat.”

“She really is a saint.”

“I know.”

“So you’ll come? You want to?”

“Yes! Yes I do.”

“Then it’s a plan. How’s Friday?”

“Perfect.”

–

“Is this a date?” Natalie sits on Helena’s bed as Helena pulls everything from her closet.

“What? Natalie…”

“You’ve tried on like four different outfits.”

“I don’t want to be cold.”

“Mark will like the black skirt. He always looks at your legs when you wear that skirt.”

“What?”

“Do you not want him to? I can kick his ass, just give me the word.”

“No, no I don’t think that will be necessary.”

“Sure. You can say you like him, you know.”

“Can I?”

“If you want to.” She tells Natalie everything but it’s like she can’t when it comes to Mark, whatever they do, they keep it just theirs.

“Nat…”

“I know, Hel.” She does, it’s been her and Natalie Kalen since before it was her. She loves her and might just owe her the world.

—

Helena decides on the black skirt, admittedly for Mark and the fact that she feels beautiful for once in his gaze. She’s reminded of this when she and Natalie walk up to the car’s meeting space and she sees Mark standing there with Dylan and Irving, he looks her up and down and looks like he’s about to say something. He never does and Dylan has to hit him to get him walking into the car Ganz hired for the heir to the Eagan enterprises and her friends. Helena ends up wedged between Mark and Irving, when Mark leans into her hair and whispers “You look really nice, Helly.” She’s sure she blushes and tucks her head into Irv. She wants to lean into Mark but to have her face so close to his, Helena doesn’t know if she can control herself.

When the whole group files off the van, Helena gasps as she takes in all the little shops and states. Mark and Irving immediately busy themselves with reading all the signs pointing out little historical landmarks, Natalie, Dylan, and Helena walk along after them. “It’s charming.”

Dylan moans. “There’s nothing to do here.”

“Go chase a squirrel or something.” Helena retorts, he smiles and punches her lightly in the arm.

Dylan starts speaking again. “Did they burn any witches here?”

“I don’t think so.”

Dylan looks at Natalie. “You’re safe, Nat!”

“Fuck off.” Mark reads another one of the signs about some mill that one of her ancestors probably built.

Dylan sighs.“Screw this, I’m hungry.”

Natalie sighs, “Do you know where this restaurant is?” Mark made reservations for the two of them at a little romantic spot in town, unfortunately their reservation for 2 soon turned into five.

“No, come on. You’re my guide.”

“Okay, okay.” They hook arms.

Irving looks at Natalie and Dylan and then back at Mark and Helena. “I’m going with you guys.”

“I thought you wanted to read the signs with me.” Mark seems almost sad.

“I’ll stay with you.” She interjects.

“No shit.” Dylan mutters.

Mark raises his eyebrows, “What was that?”

“Nothing.” The three of them run off, leaving Helena and Mark standing in the park. She hooks his arm the same way that Natalie did to Dylan but this time the air is charged with something Helena can’t quite place. All of the sudden, Mark stops in his tracks and looks up.

“Helly, it’s snowing. That’s got to be a good omen.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“I feel pretty lucky to be standing here.”

“In a random park.”

“With my favourite person in this godforsaken hellhole of a school.”

“Oh.” She doesn’t think she’s ever been someone's favourite. She’s tried but never succeeded. She didn’t even have to try with Mark.

“We should get back, shouldn’t we? I’m sure they’ve gotten us a table by now.”

“A little bit longer?”

“Lets take the long way back.” There’s snow in Helena’s hair and when she looks at Mark there’s some flakes on his eyelashes. The park is busy, older people sit on benches, throwing bread at pigeons, kids weave through the paths towards the red and blue playstructure. Helena doesn’t know what perfect looks like but it might just be this. In the distance, she can see a red sign with ‘Petting Zoo’ written across it, and she’s steering Mark towards it before she knows it.

“Mark, look!” She grabs his hand and pulls him towards the crowd.

“Goats.”

“Don’t sound so ecstatic."

“It’s baby goats.” Mark doesn’t even look that excited, if anything, he should be so much more ecstatic.

“Aren’t they fucking adorable?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry you grew up in a barn with them but I think they're pretty cute.”

“They are, I guess.” One of the animals, a little brown goat trots up to Helena, stepping on her patent leather shoes, not caring about the mud on its hooves. Helena smiles and kneels next to the goat, petting the soft fur on the top of its head. Mark hands her the food they got, and the goat eats hungrily from Helena's palm. When she looks up, Mark is looking at her like something’s funny.

“Is there something on my face?”

“Nothing, just the heir to Lumon enterprises petting a goat.”

“What would Keir say?”

“Who?”

“Mark, did you even read the entrance brochure?”

“I skimmed it, I was too busy dancing with pretty girls who kept stepping on my damn feet.”

“Fuck off.” He extends his hand to help her up. She doesn’t need it, she’s strong, at the Eagan compound she swims every morning for an hour, until her limbs feel like they’re about to fall off, she can pull herself up from the floor. But his hands are so soft and he smiles down at her. Mark feels like the home she’s never had. “As much as I love these goats, we should probably go to get dinner before they think we’ve been kidnapped.”

Finally they stumble into the restaurant that Helena picked where the others are already sitting, speaking slightly too loudly for the establishment, Dylan leans back on his chair. “Where have you guys been?”

“We were… we went for a walk. We saw a petting zoo. There were baby goats”

“Ooh, sexy.”

Mark chokes and sputters, Helena glares. “What?”

“Is baby goats code for sex with Mark?”

Natalie interjects, “Gross, I’m eating!”

“Sex with me is that revolting?”

As Helena sips her cappuccino, she can’t stop herself from thinking about how it would be to actually have sex with anyone especially Mark, she thinks he’d be sweet but that was a given. She wonders how it would work if it would hurt, if it would feel right, she decides it would.

Chapter Text

Mark is disappointed to wake up in his own bed, Helly’s not there, no ones there. His roommate, Peter, never moved in, so he technically has the room to himself, not that he spends much time in there. He always seems to be in Helena’s room, so much that he’s sure Natalie is sick of them and having to hang out with Dylan and Irving all day.

He manages to get to lunch before he misses her. He’s reading his Latin book when suddenly Dylan comes running up and tells him to go see Nat and that something is wrong with Helena and he’s running across campus towards her dorm. He only has to knock once before Natalie opens the door and steps out, closing it behind her. “Jesus, Mark! Did you run here?”

He can’t catch his breath. “Is she okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, calm down! I think it’s just a bug. I just didn’t want to leave her alone.”

“Oh, okay, fuck.”

“I have electrolyte drinks and snacks in my room, feel free to take some. I’ll be back soon. ” Mark must look like a mess because Natalie laughs in his face, “You really do care about her, don’t you?”

“I do, of course I do.”

“It’s kind of cute, she needs that.” He manages to smile.

“Can I see her?”

“Yeah, yeah, have fun you two.” And Natalie turns on her heels and leaves, the only think between them is the wooden door which Mark bursts open. He scans the room for her, only to find him in her bed, when she hears him, she turns her head to look at him. He’s already walking towards her.

“Oh, Hi Mark. How are you?” She barely opens her eyes.

He has to laugh a little, she’s so pale, in bed with her sheets pulled up to her neck, and she’s asking him how he is. “I’m okay, Helly. How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better.” Mark smiles down at her, she’s still absolutely beautiful. “I’ve been a lot better.”

“Oh, I know, I know.” He hesitates a bit before placing his hand on her forehead. “Oh Helly, you’re burning up.”

“I’m on fire?” He can’t tell if she’s joking and it scares him.

“No, no. Not yet, you’re okay.”

“You’d extinguish me, right?”

“Yeah, I always would.”

Helly coughs and then again until she can’t stop and Mark has to help her to sit and breathe. When she catches her breath, she sighs and pulls away from Mark who is now rubbing circles into her back. “You should get out of here. I’m probably contagious.”

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t?”

“No, but do you want to go to the doctor? Or at least the nurse, so she can give you something.”

“No, no, I don’t need that.”

“You don’t?”

“Eagans don’t get sick.”

“They don’t?” She’s an Eagan and she looks almost deathly ill.

“No, no. I’m weak.”

“Oh, Helly.” He brushes her bangs off her forehead and cups her cheek, this time she doesn’t move away. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“But look at me.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“Fuck off. I’m going to throw up.”

He laughs, “ ‘cause I’m so corny?” She smiles before all the blood drains from her face.

She starts hyperventilating, “Mark! Mark, I’m going to throw up!”

He pulls her up by her arms,“Okay, let's go, come on Helly.”

“Fuck.” He leads her to her bathroom, of course she gets an ensuite bathroom, her knees hit the tile on the ground and her hands grip the porcelain as her head flies into the bowl. Mark instinctively grabs her hair in his hands as she finally throws up, whimpering in between gags.

“Oh, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me.” She sits back into his arms.

“Oh, Helly. Oh, you’re safe here, no one’s going to hurt you.”

“Okay.”

“Let's get you a shower, okay?” She lets him sit her up against the wall and stand up to start her a shower, when it’s warm, he holds his hand underneath, making sure the temperature is comfortable for her. “I’ll leave you to it.”

“No!” Helly shrieks out and Mark freezes in his tracks. “Stay, I can’t even stand by myself.” He’s walking towards her now. “I need help, Mark.”

“I’ve got you, it’s okay. I’m right here, don't worry. Do you still want a shower?”

“Yes. Can you help me?” She pulls at her JAWS t-shirt but she can’t get it all the way over her head and she sighs.

“You want me to undress you?”

“I don’t care if you see me naked, Mark.”

“You don’t?” He’s blushing now.

“No, Mark. Take off my shirt.”

“Okay, okay.” He brings the tee-shirt up over her head. She’s not wearing a bra, he can’t bring himself to look down and it makes her laugh.

“Like what you see?”

“Helly…” She reaches down undo the tie on her pajama pants and tug them down, she only gets to her upper thighs before she needs help, he takes the hint and drops to his knees and helps her take it off her legs, he helps with her underwear too, though he tries to do it with his eyes closed. Eventually he stands and she wraps her arms around his shoulders hanging off of him as he ushers her into the shower. He positions her under the spray, he can feel the water on his skin and onto his shirt but he can’t bring himself to care, she’s humming slightly now and it’s a beautiful sound. His hands are on her lower back, absent mindedly rubbing circles into the skin there.“I’ve got you. Does the water feel good?”

“Yes, yes.” She tilts her head up to look at him, "You're getting wet.” She pinches the wet fabric of his shirt.

“I don’t care, Helly.”

“You can leave me if you want.”

“Can you stand by yourself?”

“You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to be. I can take care of myself, I’m good at that, I’ve always done it.”

“But now you can let me take care of you. If you want. I’ve got you, Helly.” She presses her face back into the crook of her neck, sighing.

“When you get sick, I’ll take care of you.”

“We can pass this damn virus back and forth.” He stays there for a second before he has to come up for air and untangle themselves so he can find the soap and shampoo so he can wash her, she lets him. When both their fingers are pruny, Mark wraps her in a fluffy towel and guides her out of the shower, she uses another towel to dry her hair.

“You sit on the bed, I’ll find you some clothes.” He goes into her drawers.

“Do you need a new shirt?” She calls from behind him.

“I’m sure if I open those drawers, I’ll find at least half of my closet.”

“Probaly. I hope you don’t mind.”

It actually makes his heart explode every time he sees Helena in one of his shirts. “No!
No, I think you actually wear them better than I do.”

“Damn right.” She laughs and seems like herself for a second. He finds her a new pajama set and underwear and helps her into them. He wasn’t wrong, he finds one of his sweatshirts in her drawer and slips it on, it smells like her. “I’m tired.” She yawns from her bed, she’s currently tucking herself in.

“You can go to sleep.”

“Are you going to leave?”

“Do you want me to?”

“No.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

“Good. I don’t feel very well.”

“But Eagans don’t get sick.”

“But Helly might’ve.” He laughs at her talking about herself in the third person. But still he kneels by her bedside and brushes hair out of clammy forehead.

“That’s okay. You can sleep now.”

“Good night, Mark, thank you for taking care of me.” It’s not quite night yet, it’s barely two pm.

“Anytime Helly, goodnight.” She mumbles something that Mark can’t quite make out but his sub-conscious tells him it’s incredibly important. He wants to ask Helly what she meant but she’s already drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

When Helena Eagan opens her eyes, the world is foggy and blue. She’s back at Lumon, sitting on some sort of counter, kicking her feet, on her feet are her cherry red Mary Janes, the ones that were her favourite because of how red they were , how they stood out from the blue of Lumon the same way that her mother always said their shared hair colour did. She gives a few experimental kicks to the counter, just to prove she can, she’s smaller than she usually is, a size she’d rather forget being. She looks up and her vision seems to lag and triple, finally she manages to focus her vision on the figure standing in front of her, it’s her father, and in his arms is someone even more familiar, a small brown goat wriggling in his arms desperate to escape. She knows the goat, it might be her only friend, she named him Sailor and held him when both their mothers died.

“Helly. It’s time.” Her father’s voice is clearer now and he moves with more ease towards where she sits and she instinctively hops down, smoothing her skirt and looking up at him, he looks so tall standing over her.

“Daddy, I don’t want to.” He places Sailor on the ground, there’s a chain around his neck, Helena has a matching one, albeit invisible, “Daddy, please.” He brushes her off and pulls out an ornate knife with a bust of Keir on the hilt.

“Give me your hand, Helly.” He doesn’t give her a choice, instead he roughly grabs her wrist and yanks her towards him hard enough to bruise, she’s too small to resist. He opens her palm and presses the blade to the skin there, “It’s your time, my little mouse.” And he drags the blade across her hand, leaving only the trail of red blood, she tries to cry but finds he can’t once he’s done he presses her bleeding hand onto Sailor’s forehead, who savours the attention. Sailor’s fur stings her hand and she cries silent tears until he removes it and looks down at the goat with his, now red, fur. “He’s yours now, Helly. You are intertwined forever. You know what you must do.”

“No! No!” This time he thrusts the hilt of the knife into her hand, it still stings from the blood.

“He is your sacrifice to Keir. You must slit the throat of your weakness.”

“No, Daddy. No, I won’t do it!”

“You will.”

“No.” She stamps her foot and throws the knife onto the ground, Keir landing face down on the floor, her father’s face drops and he tenses in anger. She shows what he’ll do next, a sharp backhand across her face, a display of human anger, she cries out but forces herself to stay standing and looking at him as he picks up the knife again. Her stomach drops, as he reaches for Sailor again, he let the goat's leash go when he hit her but Sailor never ran away. The goat squirms in his arms and tries desperately to get away but her father holds him in place, pressing the blade to his neck. She wants to close her eyes but he dares her not to. He presses the blade into the soft fur of Sailor’s neck dragging it across as Sailor lets out one final bleat. The little goat fights to the end but it’s for nothing as her father looks at the bleeding goat with disdain, like his biggest problem is the fact that there’s blood on his suit. Helena has slid down her countertop by now and she cowers against it as the carcass of her best friend is thrown into her lap staining her dress as her father walks out of the room.

Helena is relieved to burst up in her dorm bed drenched in sweat and panting, crying so hard that she can’t even see the bed spread in front of her. Her body tells her to run away from her room where Natalie is God knows where for the night and down the hallway. She doesn’t realize that she’s clad in only Mark’s t-shirt and underwear until she’s outside, shoeless in the December cold until she’s running across the quad towards the boy’s dormitory. When she bursts into Mark’s building, she climbs the stairs two at a time, only stopping when she reaches the door marked “Mark Scout, Peter Kilmer.”

She knocks loudly enough, but she doubts Mark hears it. This man could sleep through nuclear warfare, a Scout trait. But when she mutters out a small “Mark? Are you there?” She hears the bed creek with how fast he sits up and makes a beeline for his door. He looks so tired and mildly angry at her.

“Helly? What time is it? Why are you here?” She isn’t welcome here, she doesn’t know why she thought he would be, Helly feels her bottom lip quiver again and she cringes at the vulnerability. “Oh, Helly, come here.” He wraps his arms around her and drags her into his room, closing the door behind them. He sits them down on his unmade bed but keeps her arms around her, holding close, yet giving her the space to breathe. “Okay, it’s okay, Helly, it’s okay, baby. What happened?”

It’s stupid, she’s had nightmares before, every night sometimes, but now she has someone to lean on and it almost makes it worse. “I had a fucking nightmare, Mark.” She mutters, trying to hide the fact that she’s hyperventilating into his chest, she doesn’t think she’ll ever breathe normally again.

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“In my room or in my dream? Because you don’t have to sleep in my bed all the time it is pretty fucking tiny, and I don’t think you can just show up in my dreams.” She laughs, to be completely honest, she did have a dream about him once. They were in her bedroom at her house that Mark refuses to call a house, it definitely isn’t a home. Mark had pushed her up against her vanity table and kissed her. In her dream, she knew how to kiss, knew how his mouth moved against her and he knew how to touch her waist in the way that makes her buck into him. Her alarm woke her up with a jolt and she nearly threw it at the wall.

“I meant in your bed but I wouldn’t mind being in your dreams.”

She sniffs, “Fuck off. You aren’t smooth.”

“I never claimed to be.”

“Good cause you really aren’t, you’re like so lame.” She almost laughs into his chest.

“What were you dreaming about?” She’d almost forgotten about it. He looks at her and recants. “If you want to talk about it.”

“I think I do, Mark. I think I’m ready.”

“I’m all ears.”

“I’m scared.”

“Start slow, say as much as you want.”

“When I turned 6, my father gave me a goat. My mother was sick and his died in childbirth so we were the same in that way. I named it Sailor because I wanted to become one, to sail away from here and never look back and he could come with me.” She exhales shakily, “Before I turned 7, he took me to this room in Lumon and he brought Sailor out on a leash and he gave me a knife and cut my hand. He said Sailor was mine now and told me to silt his throat. I said I didn’t want to, I begged him not to make me, but he still put the knife in my hand, I still didn’t cut him so he hit me. I dropped the knife and he picked it and just killed him. Sailor fought so hard but my father was too strong and I was so little. I didn’t do anything, he just threw his body in my lap and left me with him. I felt his last breath and he told me it was my fault.” She holds out the palm where the thin scar still remains.

“Oh Helly, It wasn’t! It definitely wasn’t, you loved Sailor so much!”

“And he still got killed, he looked up at me when he was dying. Sailor trusted me and I got him killed. I killed him, Mark.”

“No! No, you didn’t. You didn’t kill him. You don’t need to say that because it isn’t true.”

“It isn’t?” She doesn’t know if she’ll ever fully believe him but it’s nice to say it anyways.

“No.”

“Thank you, Mark.” I love you. She feels like she could say it at this moment. “For everything you do.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I know, but thank you for being there for me, letting me hug you everytime I get scared ”

“Hey, you can make it up to me when you and I sit through my uncle's ramblings at Christmas. I know he’s my family, but fuck, he’s a goddamn idiot. Like a buffoon in a Santa sweater.”

“Wait. Christmas?”

“You know, December 25th?”

“And I’m coming with you?”

“Of course. No?”

“I mean I didn’t realize I was invited.”

“Of course you are! I think Fern’s already started on your sweater!”

“My sweater?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise. My mom asked what colour you wanted, I said forest green because it looks amazing with your hair but Devon said pink so I don’t know which one won.”

“I like pink and forest green. I’ll be happy with either."

“So you’ll come?”

“Yeah! Yeah, if I'm invited.”

“I think Fern and Devon are more excited to see you than me.” She smiles when remembering his mother’s kind smile and his sister’s little giggle.

She yawns, her body finally giving in and letting her relax into his arms, “I’m going to sleep now, Mark.” He pulls the covers over them both.

“Then sleep.” He kisses her palm and her heart aches for him, the soft of his lips heal her scar tissue more than the stitches Harmony Cobel gave her after. He threads their arms over her body and wraps her in his warmth, for the first time, possibly ever, she falls asleep easily and life feels quiet.

They are both woken from their sleep, early, by a very insistent knock. Mark mumbles, “Helly? Can you get the door, baby?” Her heart tenses by the pet name and she finds herself rising, realizing she’s not wearing pants, slowly, she takes a pair of Mark’s sweatpants from his drawer and slips them on. Mark isn’t that much taller than her but the legs still reach past her feet and she glides across the floor, her feet still sting from running across the cold pavement. “It’s probably just Dylan.”

“I don’t want Dylan to see me in my underwear.”

“I see you.”

“You’re different.” He is, if there was anyone to see her vulnerable like that it would be Mark.

When she opens the door, it is not Dylan, it’s so much worse. The foreboding presence of Harmony Cobel stands at her door, arms crossed, “Good morning you two.”

“What do you want?” Helena sighs and stares at the smug face of the Principal.

Their stalemate is broken by Mark groaning out, “Who is it, Helly?”

Helena ignores Harmony’s smug face. “Nothing, Mark. Go back to sleep. I’ll be back soon.”

“M’kay” And Mark pulls the blanket over himself.

“Come with me.” Harmony turns on her heels and Helena follows her, throwing on a pair of Mark’s slides before leaving. Both women walk down the hallway towards her office, neither say anything until Helena finally speaks up, “I trust you won’t say anything to my father about where I choose to sleep.”

“It’s none of my business.”

“No, it is not. So why have you woken us up at this Godforsaken hour.”

“It’s 9 am, Ms. Eagan.”

“Too early.”

“Your father has a message for you.”

She rolls her eyes, “Ugh. What about?”

“Your plans for the upcoming break.”

“Shit. I’ve made other arrangements. He doesn’t need to worry."

“That’s not what he wants.” No. No. She wants to go home to her family. They arrive and Harmony thrusts the phone to her ear, on the phone is her father’s ever cheery assistant, who’s trained in everything from child control to urge relief.

“Ms. Eagan? Mr. Eagan truly wishes for your success in your academics. He would also like to request your presence for the upcoming break. You leave momentarily.”

“I’ve made other plans, I’m busy.”

“Mr. Eagan stresses the importance of your appearance.”

She sighs. “I don’t have a choice, do I?”

“I’ve sent a car for you. They will be there in an hour.” Harmony hands her some of her clothes. It doesn’t surprise her that she’s gone through her drawers. She changes and Cobel places Mark’s clothes in a bag, she doubts he’s getting them back. Harmony turns to give her suitcase and Helena bolts towards where she knows Mark is. THe library, he goes there after he has his morning coffee to read. She runs at top speed until he’s in her view. She throws herself onto the couch beside him, so close they could kiss easily.

“Hi Helly!”

“Mark!”

“Where did you go this morning?”

“I got a call from him. From his assistant about Christmas. He wants me home, there’s galas and meetings and he won’t let me.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, Mark I really am.”

“I know.”

“I get it, if you’re mad or sad—”

“I am. But not at you, never at you. I am kind of worried, are you going to be okay there, are you going to be safe?”

“I’m used to it, I know how to avoid his shit. I’m not 6 years old any more.”

“I know, but I still care about you so much, I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

“What’s another bit of trauma on the pile of shit he’s already put me through?”

“Helly…” He sighs and she remembers that this isn’t a normal conversation to have with someone you very well might want to have sex with.

“I’m sorry” She looks at her watch. “My car’s gonna be here soon.”

“You’re going now?”

“I have to. I have business to attend to.”

“Alright then, Merry Christmas Helly.” He reaches over to squeeze her hand, the same one he kissed last night.

She has to smile back at his shining eyes. “Merry Christmas Mark.”

“I’m going to miss you, I really am.”

“I know you will.” She smirks.

“You know that, do you?”

“Yes. You’ll say hello to Fern and Devon for me?”

“Of course.” And with that she smiles and begins walking out of the library. When she turns, he’s still watching her, smiling.

“Are you staring at my ass?” He fucking blushes.

“Go do business stuff, Helly!” She rolls her eyes and turns around, but she still makes sure to swing her hips on her way out.

Chapter Text

Mark leaves about a week before Christmas, without Helly. He loves his family so much, but sometimes he wonders if Helly ever got this, if she’s ever gotten the memories he got. He knows that she’s never gotten to go skating with a little five year old who holds your hand like she’s never going to let go or decorate Christmas cookies with her mother and her sister, hands sticky with icing, it breaks his heart. He doesn’t know how many times he’s thought about running to the Lumon estate and bringing her back for Christmas but he never does, even if he sees her red hair around every corner. She’s only been to his house once but now he can’t imagine his house without her in it.

Christmas morning starts the same way it always does with Devon waking him up way too early so excited for presents. They then wake up their mother and the three of them barrel down to the living room to see what Santa left them. Fern makes coffee first and then the true chaos begins, he knows that he’s a grown adult but he can’t deny the pure childlike excitement that comes with presents addressed to him. He gets books which Devon finds annoying, sweatshirts that probably won’t be his in a month, and a new wallet for all the cash he doesn’t have. But his best gift comes when there’s a knock at the door. His mother smiles. “Mark? Can you get the door?”

He nods and stands up, “Sure.” He walks towards the door wondering who could possibly be here on Christmas morning, still he opens the door, and when he does, his breath hitches.

She’s there standing in his doorway wrapped in a cashmere scarf, the snow is startling against her red hair and the tip of her nose is bright pink. She might be the most stunning being he’s ever seen. His arms ache to hold her and his feet are walking towards her before he can tell him to. She’s so close now, he can feel the cold wind from the door and the heat from her body.

Just as he’s about to get his hands on her he is absolutely bodychecked by a little 5 year old in a Christmas sweater, “Helly!” Helly sinks to her knees and wraps Devon in her arms, smiling. “You came for Christmas, Helly!”

“Of course I did! I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I like your sweater!”

“Mommy made you one too. I wanted it to be pink, but Mark said green, so it’s both.”

Helly’s voice cracks but she still smiles, Mark can see tears forming in her eyes. “She did?”

“Yeah! She knew you’d come for Christmas. Mommy, show her!” Fern comes up behind him and puts one hand on his shoulder.

Helly stands up to greet Fern, this time she hugs his mother first. “I missed you, Fern.”

“I missed you too, sweetie.” She holds out the sweater and Helly’s face drops, his mother is good at knitting but it never made him cry about it.

“Thank you, Fern, thank you so much.” She pulls the sweater over her head and Fern adjusts her hair. She looks radiant in the green sweater with a pink H on it and her smile makes it better. Finally, Fern moves aside and takes Devon back to her Pink Barbie dreamhouse that she obviously splurged on, it’s just him now standing in his entryway staring at her like a goddamned idiot. She closes the door not taking her eyes off of him, she’s smiling as a singular tear falls down her face.

“Hi Mark.” She exhales.

“Helly…” And that’s all it takes for them both to come crashing into each other, her arms around his neck, his around her waist, she’s just come from the outside but she’s still so warm in his arms and she smells like Helly, something he didn’t know he couldn’t live without until he had to for only a week. He hugs her so fiercely that her feet come off the ground. “You came.” She sways with her arms wrapped around him until Devon calls them over wanting to continue with her Christmas, he loves his sister so much but he has to ignore her just this once, he’s too struck with Helly in his arms.

“I did, I missed you.” Her face is buried into his shoulder and he can feel her lips move against him.

“I missed you too, Helly, I can’t believe you’re here!” He has to smile and she laughs.

“I’m here.”

Once Devon gets too impatient, he leads her to their armchairs and gestures for her to sit,to his surprise she shakes her head and pushes him towards the chair when she takes a seat on his armrest so close to him she can practically throw her arms around him as Devon makes a beeline for the rest of her presents, Mark follows her even if he’s already got the only thing he ever wanted.

“Here, Helly.” He hands her a present to where she sits on the armrest.
Her brow crinkles in confusion, “This one's for you, Mark.” He laughs almost smugly the way she knows that makes her roll her eyes.

“It feels like a tee shirt or a sweatshirt, we both know it’ll end up on you .”

He can tell she’s filled with emotion but she only musters out an “Oh.” He reaches his hand up to her knee and just rests it there, she shivers even if it isn’t particularly cold in his house so he starts rubbing circles into the skin there and Helly finally smiles.

She delicately opens the reindeer wrapping paper, slowly, pulling at the tape so as to not destroy the paper. “You can rip it, Helly.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” She retorts. After what seems like forever she finally frees the little present for them both. She smiles at him so wide, it just about makes his heart explode. It’s just a navy blue hoodie with a little embroidered deer on it but Helly has locked her eyes on it, holding him up to see it and the tears welling in her eyes. “I have gifts for you guys too.” She smiles.

“Oh, Helly, you didn’t have to do that.” His mom smiles but Eleanor already looks so excited.

“Helly Claus!” The little girl exclaims.

Mark smiles back, “Yeah Devvie! Helly Claus is coming to town!” Helly looks at him and rolls her eyes, but she still reaches for her bag to pull out three wrapped presents. Devon screams and his mother smiles when they are handed their presents. For Fern Scout, Helly bought these beautiful stained glass cups, his mother nearly squeals when she sees them and she hugs Helly so hard, Helly probably can’t breathe but she doesn’t pull away. For Devon, she got her two little cloth dolls, one redhead and the other, a smaller brunette, it’s them, Helly smiles as Devon makes that connection. When she hands Mark his gift, she looks so nervous, it’s cute. It could be an old fall leaf that she picked up on the floor and wrapped on the way there, he would still treasure it until the day he died. But when he opens it his heart drops, the book itself isn’t very fancy but Mark has to smile at the old yellowed pages of Pride and Prejudice. When he opens the front page, a picture falls out of them together, one of the first ones they ever took, it was supposed to be a group on with Natalie and the boys but they ran as soon as the camera started counting down, you can still see Dylan’s foot in the frame. On the first
page she’s written: Merry Christmas Mark, You have bewitched me, body and soul.

He almost breaks down in front of her.

He spends the rest of the day putting together all the toys that Devon got. He’s not particularly good at building stuff, but he’s figured it out. He’s glad to do it, if it means that his sister never has to see their father break a brand new tricycle on the wall just because he can’t put it together. Helly watches them for a while, playing with the little toys that Devon got but eventually she gets up and wanders away. He has to finish Devon’s dollhouse, but after he goes to find Helly who is now sitting in the kitchen cutting vegetables for dinner, he comes up behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders, she doesn’t jump which is probably good because of the knife in her hand.

“What are you two talking about?”

Helly looks up at him, “Oh, just–”

His mother doesn’t look at him. “Celebrating a job well done.”

“You knew about this?” He twists his head towards his mother. Not angry, just confused, but Helly still jolts up, standing pin straight. He feels bad, so he drags an arm down hers and softens his voice, “How long did you know?”

His mother smiles, but keeps her eyes on the stove, “I always knew, why do you think I finished her sweater? But she called me yesterday, before she got on the plane.” She looks at Helly now from where she sits with a cutting board.

“I was sitting in a board meeting, on Christmas Eve and I just realized, I didn’t want to be there. It was even snowing.” She looks up at Mark with her beautiful shining eyes. “You told me once you felt lucky when snow was falling, I just wanted to feel like you. So I called your mom.”

“You’re always welcome here, Helly.” His mom smiles.

“You are.” She looks up at him with the beautiful eyes he loves so much.

Dinner is absolutely delicious, he knew his mother could cook but knowing that Helly cooked it made it better. He makes sure to tell her that much. Then they watch a Christmas movie, the four of them cuddling on a couch that’s too small for the three of them, much less with Helly. She’s practically on top of him but he’ll be damned if he says anything. Devon falls asleep towards the end of the movie and eventually they all retire to their rooms. This time, no one questions why Mark and Helly are sharing his bed, his mother wishes them a Merry Christmas and carries a sleeping Devon to bed. When they get to his room, Helena quickly changes into her pajamas and gets into his bed.

He smiles, looking at her, waiting for him in their bed. “I’m surprised you haven’t
already stolen this.” He holds up the new sweatshirt.

She sighs and smiles softly. “You have to wear it first.”

“What was that?”

She rolls her eyes and scoffs incredulously now. “So it smells like you, Mark. If not, it’s just some random sweatshirt.”

“Okay, Helly.” He understands, the few times he got his clothes back, they smelled exactly like her, he almost cried and before he knew it he was achingly hard, even if he wouldn’t let himself get any relief, not without Helly.

“Come here.” She pats the space beside her. He throws the blankets back and slides in beside her. They lay facing each other just smiling.

Until she smiles and presses herself into him. “Merry Christmas, Mark.”

He leans down and kisses her forehead and she sighs, “Merry Christmas, Helly.”

I love.

I love.

I love you, Helly.

It would be so easy to say. She stretches her neck up and kisses the side of his mouth, so close to his own lips. She’s so soft, her lips especially. She notches her own head under his chin and the tightness in his chest that he’s had since birth dissipates.

“I had the best Christmas with you, Mark.” The words take him off guard.

But he replies, “I think this was the best Christmas I ever had, because you were there.”

She hums but only replies, “That’s cheesy, go to sleep.”

“Good night, Helly.” But she’s already drifted off. So he holds her and lets sleep take him too.

Chapter Text

Helena Eagan has never been so happy than she has the week after Christmas with the Scouts, playing with dolls with Devon, cooking with Fern and just spending time with Mark, he’s everywhere and it’s perfect, she’d live here forever if she could. She isn’t an Eagan with them, she’s a Scout and she likes that. They take the last possible train back on New Year’s Eve, mostly because Dylan begged them to come, he’s been begging them to throw a party and now he seems dead set on it. So Mark and Helena get back to GANZ at 9 pm, and they make a beeline for hers and Natalie's room.
She hooks an arm in his and sighs. “Why are we going to this again?”

“It’s in your room, you’re practically the host.”

“Hey. I didn’t even know this was happening! Remind me, why is this happening?”

“It’s New Year’s, we had our fun family time at my place and now…”

“And now? We get to hang out with our friends.”

“And maybe do something a bit against the rules?” He mentioned the alcohol that Dylan was going to make Irving buy for them. Alcohol is strictly forbidden at both Lumon and GANZ but according to Dylan, that has never stopped dumbass teenagers. That’s probably why they held it in her room, an Eagan’s not going to get in trouble.

“Just a bit?” She fake pouts, as much as she’s scared she’s excited to do something wrong.

“Maybe.” He smiles. When they open the door, there is a full on party inside, Dylan practically throws a drink into her hand. She looks at Mark and he shrugs and takes a sip of his. The wine cooler isn’t good but it makes her thoughts seem bubbly and calm.
Dylan hands out another round of drinks before sitting on the carpet where they have all gathered. They still have to wait another 2 hours, until someone brings out a deck of cards and some coins, and a mildly competitive game of Black Jack starts .

Not that Helena cares much, she’s not used to drinking more than a glass of champagne at galas and even the two shitty white wine coolers make her head spin, luckily Mark is right there sitting cross legged on the carpet, he looks quite comfortable, so she slowly lays her head down on Mark’s thigh and the game continues. She’s barely even looked at her cards, she’s too busy looking around at her friends laughing. Nat’s there, of course, she’s always been there for her but now there’s more, they have a whole group of friends, Dylan and Irv and Mark especially Mark. She has a group of friends that she can sit on the floor and play cards with. She feels drunk, warm, and young. She’s been an adult in a board room for as long as she can remember, but now she’s young and she's loved. And there’s a boy whose sweatshirt she’s wearing, that she really does like above her looking down at her, smiling that dumb toothy smile.

“Helly.” Mark murmurs, “Helly, I can see your cards.”

“Do I have anything good?” She forgot about that part, she’s too focused on committing this night to memory, when she’s old and probably the CEO of Lumon, Helena hopes to remember this.

“No, no you don’t.” He folds the cards onto her chest and pulls her in closer so she can look at his better hand.

Dylan turns to Mark and his voice brings them both out of their little trance. “So you’re going to kiss Helena at midnight, right?”

“I’m going to what?” Mark sputters.

“That’s what people do on New Years, they kiss and then that shitty song plays.” Irv shrugs.

“Do they now?” Helena raises her eyebrows.

“Yes.” Natalie agrees.

“So I’m kissing Mark and…” She’s kissing Mark, she wants to kiss Mark, she’s pretty sure she wants to kiss Mark. And she’s pretty sure Mark wants to kiss her too. Mark looks at her and smiles, he knows her and what she’s thinking, and they aren’t getting away with making them kiss like little Barbie dolls.

The other three look confused. “And?”

Mark laughs and looks at Helly, she’s only Helly with him. “Dylan and Irving can kiss too, and Natalie can kiss the girl of her choice.”

Dylan raises his eyebrows, “I’m kissing who? I have a girlfriend?”

Helena and Irving scoff. “Sure you do, Dylan.”

Natalie laughs, “She lives in Canada right?”

“Fuck off.” Dylan rolls her eyes. Natalie has already turned up the music and is making Irv dance with her. Helly takes another sip of her drink and pulls Dylan up to dance around with her. Dylan spins her around but her eyes always land on Mark in the corner, smiling at her as her world spins. Until she feels his hand on her small of her back and for a second she thinks she’ll ask him to dance, but his warmth is gone in a second and all she’s left with is Dylan laughing at them both. She knows where Mark’s going, the abandoned corner of the library where he goes when it gets too loud and she frees herself from Dylan’s dance and makes her way over to him, she can scarcely stand to be away from him for a night, it’s getting almost ridiculous. Still she stumbles down the hallways of GANZ, drink in hand to find him in the same place she always is, sitting on the couch flipping through a book.

“You’re the one who said we should do something .”

“Helly.”

“It’s loud in there, isn’t it?” She inches closer.

“And chock full of dumbasses.”

“Helly?” She puts down the bottle. “Are you okay with this?” And sits close enough to him so she can steal his warmth.

This time she doesn’t know, genuinely. “With what, Mark?”

“The kissing thing, Helly. Cause if you aren’t, I’ll just tell them and that’ll be the end of that. I’m serious.” She didn’t imagine her first kiss with Mark to be on New Years but she’s not sure if she ever imagined it happening.

“Are you? Okay with it I mean?”

“I mean I am, I guess if you are?”

“I am.” She affirms.

“But if we get there, and you don’t want to kiss me, just say that. Don’t feel pressured, just tell me to fuck off, and I will.”

“I’m good at that. You know telling you to fuck off. I can do that.” She smiles but plays with her nails.

“I know you can.”

“I’m great at that.”

She still can’t look him in his eyes, even as she lays so close to him, he can tell, because of course he can, “What’s wrong, Helly?” Even drunk off cheap wine and vodka, he’s still the softest touch she’s ever had. She sighs and he reaches over to brush her cheek. “Are you okay?” He’s smiling at her and she feels so safe enough to admit everything.

“When you kiss me—” He nods and smiles, the annoying smile that makes her feel like she has a future. “Just be gentle, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah of course.”

She’s drunk but she’s in Mark's arms, and that’s enough to get her to admit it. “I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?” She spits back.

“No, just, Oh. Okay. Do you want to know how it’s going to happen?”

Her head is spinning not just from the alcohol. They’ve been this close before, even slept face to face, but now she’s so close to him and he’s talking about kissing her.“Sure, Mark.”

He smiles. “I’ll probably lean in and I can put my hand on your cheek.”

“Then do it.” He does, and her heart skips, he’s so warm and familiar. And then he drags her closer and she suddenly feels woefully unprepared, like her lips are forever in the wrong place but she can’t stop them. He notices it too, because of course he does, he’s Mark.

“It’s okay, Helly.” But he uses his thumb to brush her cheek and she’s reminded how very much not okay she feels. “Are you still with me, Helly? She nods. His lips are so close to hers that if she moved even a millimetre they would be touching, she wants to, if only her body would obey her. His lips are moving again. “And that’s how I’ll do it.” He pulls back and smiles at her again.

“Fuck you, Mark.” She hits his chest with her hands until he pulls her in so close to his chest that she can listen to his heartbeat. “You’re a fucking idiot, Mark.”

“I know, I know.” He doesn’t let go even as they both look at the clock, 11:30.

“We should be getting back. It's almost time for our big show.” But she still curls into him and sighs.

“Hey Helly?”She makes a humming sound but she’s getting too tired for words, and laying her head against Mark doesn’t help. “You know you mean a lot to me, right?”

She does, but it helps to hear him say it. “I do? I do.”

“You do, Helly, I mean I had to go a week without seeing you and it was practically torture.” She laughs to herself, he doesn’t know about torture, not the way that she does, but she won’t tell that to him. She likes this vision of him, so distraught from not seeing her that he wanders the beaches of the Midwest tearing at his clothes. “I just like hanging out with you, I like being with you.”

“I like being with you too.” She exhales shakily and tightens his hold around her own body. “You make me feel safe. I’m not used to feeling like that. I’ve known you for like four months and look what you’ve done to me.” It comes out like she’s joking but it makes Mark murmur something and brush her hair out of her face.

“Look what I’ve done to you?”

“You make me think I'm worth something more.”

“You are. You are worth everything to me.”

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m not lying.”

“ I know. I’m tired.” It’s too close to midnight now and she really wants to see if people do kiss each other at midnight.

“We don’t have to go.”

“But then we’ll miss Irv and Dylan’s make out session.” She fake pouts, she even sticks a lip out at him.

“Oh we can’t miss that.”

“I know.” But she lets her head lull back onto his shoulder. “And maybe I want to kiss you too.”

He smiles softly now and it feels like the alcohol drains from her veins. “You could’ve just asked.”

“For you to kiss me?”

“Yes.”

“And that would’ve worked?”

“Maybe.” He hooks an arm under her legs and the other around her back and lifts them both up off the couch, she didn’t know he was that strong and her mind reels with thoughts unbecoming of an Eagan. “Come on, pretty girl.” She hopes she’s sober enough to remember how much her heart jumps at the nickname. He’s too drunk, he probably won’t remember calling her that, and Helena thinks that might be for the best, if he knew what that did to her, it probably wouldn't be good.

He has to put her down before they leave the library, Helena doesn’t blame him, in fact, the minute her feet touch solid ground, her muscles are glad to move. She doesn’t know where she’s running to really, all she knows is that she’s going forward, that she can go forward wherever she wants. Mark calls out for her somewhere behind her but she doesn’t spare a look back at him.

There's a cold wind in her hair and all her muscles feel hot. Then all she can hear is footsteps behind her and they’re getting closer. She’s forgotten who it was, now each step sounds thunderous, she’s been here before, she’s never been free. The figure behind her is so close that she knows it’s inevitable they are going to catch her she has no choice but to stop and let it. “No!” She cringes into herself as the arms wrap around her.

But they’re warm and the voice that follows is soothing. Mark, it’s just Mark. “ I got you, Helly!”

“Fuck!”

“Where were you going?” She doesn’t know she just needs to run, but now his arms are around her and that’s okay too. He must notice her silence because he softens his voice, “Are you okay?”

She sighs and they start walking back towards the party room. “I think we should ring in the new year but then you might have to put me to bed.”

“That seems like a problem for next year!” She slaps his arm but relaxes into his grasp and lets him do most of the walking. He keeps a good grip on her if only because he’s afraid for her running, which she might.

“Your jokes are terrible, Mark.”

“I know, I know.” They get back to the room just in time, no one asks where they’ve been, everyone’s gathered around the TV, some of these people Helena doesn’t know. Mark opens another drink and leads her to an empty chair.

“10!” Mark takes another sip. She sits on the arm of his chair, as they look at the lights of New York City on the tv screen.

“9!” Helly takes the bottle from his hand, savouring the warmth of his fingertips against the cool bottle.

“8!” He smirks at her as she brings the bottle to her lips.

“7!” Helena savours the fact that both their lips have touched the same glass bottle.

“6!” It takes until six seconds to realize what's about to happen.

“5!” He’s Mark and he’s going to kiss her.

“4!” She so desperately wants to kiss him.

“3!” There’s too many people here.

“2!” Look at Mark, she’s comfortable in his eyes.

“1!” It’s the New Year the stupid song plays. Natalie playfully forces Dylan and Irving’s mouths together, Helena giggles as their mouths meet for just a second and the two boys flinch away and everyone laughs as her heart drops. It’s time. Only Natalie, Irving, and Dylan are looking but it’s enough for Helly to feel the eyes on her and cringe. Until Mark pulls her hand slightly too hard and she’s sliding from her perch on the armrest into Mark. She feels his muscles tense before they relax again and lets her in, now she’s so close to him and he puts a hand onto her cheek just like he told her he would, it feels nothing but familiar. She can’t help but smile at him as he mutters a quick “Yes?”

And she can only reply, “Yes, yes, please.” And now his lips are so close again but this time they don’t stop, her don’t either, not until they meet. His lips are soft but not too soft, they are still insistent and firm, and Mark. She’s kissing Mark. And all she can thing is, fucking finally.

End of Part 1