Work Text:
“Joe? Joe, seriously, get the fuck up, the town hall is shut in Sundays, so you’ve been sleeping in here since Saturday.” Sage’s voice called out, waking up a sleeping Joe King from the nap he was having on his desk.
”Wha- oh. Hi Sage. Do you have any paperwork? I’m not quite home right now, but when I do get that ice cream you’ll be sorry.” A very delirious Joe said, who clearly had no idea on what was going on around him.
”Look, you need to take some time off. You’re not being fired- just take a week’s break and then maybe you’ll stop being so… yeah. I’ll see you next Monday.” She said, looking at the hollow shell of a man, barely conscious before her.
”Fired? No! NO! No? What? Wait I’m being fired? YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME IM JOE FUCKING KING!” The businessman yelled, he started to continue, but he collapsed and fell asleep again.
Sage facepalmed, something she often found herself doing around this incompetent human being. She picked him up, carried him out, and brought him to his home, writing clearly on a piece of paper about what was happening regarding his week off.
Joe was confused when he woke up. He read the note. He understood the note. Yet he just, sat there.
Business was his life. Literally. Who was he without it? Just some guy wearing a suit he stole off a dead homeless man in Vietnam?
No. He would use this as an opportunity to be better. An opportunity to be something- someone who wasn’t defined by a single thing.
It was going really well, Joe made a milkshake, drank it, and wrote down how good it was on a scale of 1-10.
He then read all of his books again, and debated writing another book. He started writing one, actually, but his new serious outlook on life meant that it was really angsty.
“Who would even want to read that?” Joe asked himself. As far as he was concerned, everyone would logically prefer reading something funny than something sad. Why would you go out of your way to expose yourself to sad things?
Joe King checked the clock. He had woken up at 4:17 PM, and now it was… oh. It was only 4:23 PM.
How did all of that only take 6 minutes? How fast can he make milkshakes? Seriously, he should’ve gotten a job at some cafe where he could just make them all day, he enjoyed it too.
Really though, Joe wanted to be a comedian. Not some soul crushed businessman. Unfortunately, lies, deceit and betrayal meant that that dream was dead in the water. It was such a shame. He used to be such a wonderful comedian.
He was only an amateur though. Even if the things that prevented him from succeeding didn’t happen, he doubted he would’ve turned it into a career.
It was better this way. He often told himself that. Better to have a dream shut down in a comedically horrific and traumatic way than to have it fizzle out and die slowly.
Joe sat down, his head in his hands, normally he would just absorb himself into business to not have to think about all the things in his life like his failed comedy career. Now, he had nothing to absorb himself into.
For a whole week.
Sage was confused next Monday when Joe didn’t arrive for work. What confused her more was that for the whole past week she hadn’t seen him once.
That shouldn’t happen. Joe was everywhere normally. For fucks sake, he literally had half the buildings in Jonsered connected by tunnels for his convenience.
She only knew about some of the tunnels. Joe had more people didn’t know about, but that’s irrelevant right now.
Sage decided to go to Joe’s house, to try and figure out what happened to him.
She approached the front door, knocking firmly.
No answer.
She knocked again.
No answer.
She called out his name and started knocking even louder.
No answer.
She started to kick down the door.
No answer.
She kicked down the door.
No answer.
She walked around Joe’s house, looking for him.
When she found him, the sight she saw made her skin visibly recoil in horror- as if it was trying to peel itself from her body to escape the room.
what she saw, was domesticated Joe.
A thin layer of stubble coated his chin. His suit was crumpled and dirty, his eyes were bleak and soulless, his glasses- discarded on the floor, and worst of all, his fedora was nowhere to be seen.
The man was just sat there. Staring at a wall.
”Joe…? Are you alive?” Sage asked, nervously.
He just sat there. He might as well have been dead. Joe felt dead.
”Joe… you can come back to work now…” Sage continues, “We all miss you.”
The man didn’t even blink. He hadn’t blinked since she arrived. She didn’t even know if he was breathing.
That’s when Sage noticed something. He had headphones in. She cautiously walked over to him, and removed one.
She brought it up to her ear to find that the song ‘Total eclipse of the Heart’ was playing on loop. Sage had no idea how long this man had been catatonic for, but she decided she should probably try to help him. It wasn’t as if she had anything better to do- Swap would give her judgmental looks if she started drinking at this time of day.
”Joe, wake up.” She said calmly, standing directly in front of the disheveled thing that used to be Joe King.
He didn’t budge.
”Joe, I have business- you like that remember?” Sage tried again in vain. He was beyond her help. So, she thought of another plan.
There was one person Joe would do absolutely anything for- if anyone could help him, it would be Brian J. Stache.
Sage walked leisurely to his house, wanting to make the most of not having Joe waiting around every corner to jump out and ask some stupid question.
Stache was concerned as to what had happened to Joe, and immediately agreed to help. Nothing freaky or gay has ever happened between Stache and Joe King. Nothing. Ever.
Upon making it back to Joe’s residence, the pair entered through the broken down door, entering the room where he still sat, one headphone still in.
Sage spoke first, “Joe, I brought someone here to see you. It’s someone you’re very fond of.”
Stache walked in front of him, bending down slightly. He then spoke, “Jesus Christ my good man! What’s happened to you?”
Sage glared at him. That was the best he could think to say?
Regardless, Joe began to blink even before Stache spoke. He then said, “I’m sorry… that ice cream was underwhelming. I’m home now.”
Stache and Sage glanced at each other- this man had been practically asleep for god knows how long, and he was still this out of it.
“S-Stachie?” Joe then asked, beginning to process his surroundings.
Stache, not hearing the nickname, lit up and began to help his business partner to his feet.
“What happened to you?” Sage asked plainly, a hint of concern in her voice.
”Well… I made a milkshake I think. Then I did some other stuff… and reflected on some stuff. I miss doing business.What day is it?” The broken man replied.
”Monday.” Stache answered.
”So… I still have a whole week of this? You’ve got to be kidding me!” Joe cried out, falling to his knees.
”It’s next Monday you idiot.” Sage told him.
To which he replied, “That’s when I get back to work, yes.”
At this point Sage can’t be bothered anymore and just left. Swap can go fuck himself with his judgmental looks- she’s getting drunk, and it’s not even noon yet.
Stache started inching towards the exit, not wanting to talk to this deranged man alone, “So, Joe… glad we could sort everything out in the end. I’ll see you around. Maybe take a shower and shave… that would probably be for the best.”
Joe just nodded weakly. Not really focusing on anything as Stache left. He’s going back to work regardless of which Monday it is.
He should probably have something to drink first… as well as something to eat actually.
Moving to his kitchen, Joe passed the front door, looking at where it used to be. “Did this get painted while I was asleep?” He said, talking to himself.