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Chapter Text

Chapter 1 – Grounded

“Hello, Cap.” Bobby Nash looked up from his paperwork at the voice that entered his office, and he couldn’t help the smile that warmed its way onto his face as he saw who it was. Granted, when he received the transfer request, he was surprised, but after reviewing the full report, it made sense on paper why this particular transfer request would be to return to the 118.

“Tommy,” he said warmly, extending his hand to shake the hand of the man who would’ve been Buck’s partner had he not transferred to Harbor Station, and then he turned his gaze to the dog at Tommy’s heels, a blue-eyed Australian shepherd who sat there obediently; he recalled from reading Tommy’s file that he now had a K9 partner for when he was on ground support as opposed to air support. “And this must be Bear,” he added, smiling at the dog, and the dog seemed to smile back with a smile that looked like Tommy’s.

Some said dogs looked like their owners. This dog seemed to match Tommy’s personality to the T. They had the same kind of smile and the same expression in their eyes: quiet and reserved, a gentle sort of happiness, and a sort of charm that seemed to pull you toward them, but Bobby also got the sense that the dog held a fierce, staunch protectiveness, just like Tommy.

“I adopted him,” Tommy explained, leaning down to pet the dog. “He’s a former police K9 who’d been injured during a structural collapse; his handler died in the fire. He’s been with me for the past two months.”

“When I received your transfer request, I wasn’t expecting it,” Bobby said, returning to sit in his chair as Tommy took his seat.

“Well, I’m grounded,” Tommy said nonchalantly. “I said that if I’m grounded for the next month, I might as well go where I would be needed. And I saw you had two roster slots open at the 118.”

Bobby nodded sagely before gesturing to the paperwork on his desk, which included the full incident report that Tommy had been written up for. “Well, welcome home,” he said. “But I also understand why you were grounded.”

Tommy sighed; Bobby could see that he looked rightfully abashed as he said, “It was unprofessional on my part. But Captain Grey of the 120 and I had a slight… disagreement.” He said the word like it was bitter in his mouth, and Bobby winced, understanding that they would need to go into the lecture on professionalism. He’d read the entire incident report in Tommy’s file. It was much more colorful than Tommy described it to be.

“That’s an understatement. Yanking a fire captain by the collar and spitting in his face is a little more than a disagreement,” Bobby said evenly.

“Well, I almost punched him. I showed him a lot more grace than he deserved, considering he was compromising the health and safety of both the victims in the pileup by refusing to cut them out of the car.”

Bobby crossed his arms, mirroring what Tommy was doing. Granted, Bobby always sensed that something had been holding Tommy back. He recalled one of their last conversations they’d had before Tommy transferred, and it led to Tommy breaking things off with a fiancée he’d been engaged to for a year, but he never disclosed why. That had been part of why Bobby recommended Tommy transfer to Harbor: he already had the pilot’s license. He was fully certified in search and rescue, and he even now had his own K9 partner whenever he did ground support. It had been time for Tommy to get his wings back and finally be free, and he understood that Tommy could not be free if he stayed at the 118.

“And then it says here that you flew the helicopter around, ignoring your captain’s calls,” Bobby continued.

“To clear my head,” Tommy said. “I knew I couldn’t go back to Harbor so angry.”

Bobby nodded. “Understandable. It’s also my understanding that Captain Grey was forced to undergo an early retirement by Chief Simpson.”

“Apparently, I wasn’t the only one with complaints against him. He had several misdemeanor complaints, two of which included sexual harassment from women who worked under him. I think I did everyone at the 120 a favor that day. And I could have done worse.”

“And even if that were the case, you still acted rashly and unprofessionally, Tommy.”

“It just got to me,” Tommy answered. “You weren’t here when we had Gerrard. Back then, I did whatever it took to ‘fit in.’ But now, I just don’t care about that anymore. I don’t do well with bullies. And normally, I keep my head down, but Captain Grey's refusal to provide care to two gay men, one of whom suffered from a collapsed lung, another with a broken neck, was my breaking point. Those two men could have died on the scene had I not stepped in with the jaws and cut them out; Captain Smith wasn’t happy that I ignored Captain Grey’s command, but it was the right thing to do. Apparently, this wasn’t the first time Captain Grey refused to care for victims based on their sexual orientation against their consent.”  

Bobby nodded sympathetically. Looking at Tommy and hearing his words, it insinuated something far deeper, something that went beyond Tommy having sympathy for two victims who were being left to suffer due to a bigoted captain. Looking down at the report, he could see the lines where it mentioned Tommy rushing in and saving the day, helping strap the victims down to prepare them for transport to the hospital, as the road was so badly damaged that the ambulance couldn’t drive through it fast enough. He’d blatantly ignored Captain Grey, who’d blown it off, saying everyone was cleared, but Tommy had seen the two remaining victims and insisted on going in there, even though Captain Grey kept saying otherwise.

“And what you did for those two victims will be remembered, Tommy. They’re alive because of you,” Bobby said gently. “However, I won’t have you exhibit that same kind of unprofessionalism in this firehouse, even if the bigot you’re standing up to gets what he deserves.”

“Yes, sir,” Tommy replied, running his fingers through his dog’s fur.

“And I was willing to take you back in because even though you’re grounded, you’ll always have a place here, Tommy. This is still your home.”

Bobby watched as Tommy seemed to swallow a lump in his throat. “Thank you, Bobby.”

“And the more the merrier,” Bobby added. “Buck could use someone like you, someone who’s disciplined, ex-military. His previous partner, Eddie Diaz, was in the Army, but now he serves as a social media liaison at dispatch, which gives him more time to spend at home with his son, who needs him a lot more than we do. And we’re also looking for a replacement for Chimney.”

“Wait, Howie left?” Tommy asked, his eyebrows shooting upward as a look of surprise washed over his face.

“He has a child with Buck’s older sister,” Bobby explained. “She’s going through some stuff right now, and Chimney left to go and bring her back home. But it’s not my story to tell.”

Tommy nodded. “Understandable. I just hope Howie comes home soon.”

“And the off chance that he doesn’t, we need someone to be partnered with Hen as a paramedic. I found someone; it’s only a matter of how long he’ll stay.” Bobby closed the file folder and rose from his seat. “Why don’t you go up to the loft and get settled in? I’ve already set up a locker for you. And we’ll see if we can find some room for Bear here.” Bobby reached out and patted the dog, and Bear let out a contented noise that sounded almost like a soft purr. “Has he eaten today?”

“No, I didn’t get to feed him breakfast yet,” Tommy said, grabbing the dog’s leash and guiding Bear out of the office. “I’ll cook him something. I cook all his meals. He eats what I eat.”

“Then I’ll just make him something extra.” But before Bobby could say anything further, they heard the alarm go off, and they glanced at one another.

“Duty calls,” Tommy said.

“Is he coming with us?” Bobby gestured to Bear, who wagged his tail in excitement and seemed to answer the question.

“You never know when you need a dog in the field,” Tommy shrugged. “Besides, he could be of help, especially if we need to find something.”

Bobby nodded. “I have faith in your abilities, Tommy. I trust you’ve trained him well,” he said as they went out into the ambulance bay, where Buck, Ravi, and Hen were already preparing for the call. Upon Hen seeing Tommy, her mood seemed to improve instantly.

“Tommy?” Hen asked, smiling.

“The one and only, Henrietta,” he replied, hugging her.

Bobby smiled lightly as Hen narrowed her eyes at Tommy. “Call me ‘Henrietta’ again, and I will run you over with the ambulance, Thomas,” she said. “And aren’t you stationed out of Harbor?”

“Yeah. I am.”

“I forgot.” Hen looked sheepish; Bobby knew that while Chim had kept in touch with Tommy, Hen had fallen out of touch with him over the years.

“Could be why I haven’t been getting your Christmas cards,” Tommy said lightly. He turned to Buck, explaining proudly, “Firefighter Wilson and I worked together when she was just a probie. And you must be Evan Buckley.” His gaze lingered on Buck for a moment, and Bobby could have sworn that Buck was… blushing? “You would’ve been my partner had I not left.”

“Harbor Station? The 217? Aircraft?” Buck asked, his questions coming out rapidly, fascination in his eyes as he took that in.

“Yeah. Do you remember that house fire from almost three years ago? When the dispatch center was out of service?”  

“Wait, that was you?” Buck sounded almost breathless with admiration, and Bobby could have sworn that he saw Buck swooning. He was surprised, to say the least. He’d never thought Buck to be into men as well as women. Or maybe it had always been there. Bobby could remember calls where Buck would flirt with men without realizing it. Buck probably didn’t even realize he had an attraction for both sexes.

At least, not until he saw Tommy.

Bobby had to fight his amusement at Buck’s nervousness around Tommy as Tommy grinned and said, “Yeah, that was me. Howie called and said that you all were in trouble and needed backup.”

“So, why’d you come back here?” Buck asked.

“Bobby said you had two open slots in the A-shift roster and one space in the B-shift. So, he asked me to fill in,” Tommy said.

Buck nodded, swallowing hard. “Well… um… Welcome back.” He looked down at the dog and said, “He’s yours?”

“I’m search and rescue certified.” Tommy reached down and patted the dog. “Bear was a police dog that I rescued on a call. I decided to take him in. He’s been a great help for the past two months.” They glanced down as Bear seemed to inch closer to Buck, his nose twitching slightly as he moved his head a little, like he was indicating he wanted to be petted. “I think he likes you,” he said.

“He’s beautiful,” Buck said, grinning as he reached over to pet the dog. The dog seemed pleased as Buck’s fingers scratched at his fur, letting out some contented growls as he relished in the attention.

“He definitely likes you,” Tommy said, reaching down to pet the dog, and the dog seemed even happier as Hen, too, reached down to give the dog some love. “He’s got the best judge of character that I know. He’s a very good boy.”

“Well, he’d be a great addition,” Hen said, smiling, but the air seemed to crystallize as Bear tensed up upon seeing the temporary paramedic filling in for Chimney, Jonah Greenway from Denver. His entire demeanor seemed to change as he bared his teeth, snarling protectively, his shoulders hunching inward as he bowed down. In turn, Tommy’s stance shifted, going from cheerful to harsh as he gripped Bear’s leash tightly to prevent the dog from jumping on Jonah, and Bobby suddenly remembered that Tommy came from the Army, how Tommy had it ingrained in his DNA to turn his emotions on and off, and that discipline bled over into how he trained Bear. His grip on the leash remained firm as he pulled it back slightly, and Bear seemed to know that he was in for one hell of a lecture from his handler.

“Bear, halt!” Tommy said sternly, and the dog instantly seemed to back down, albeit reluctantly, but he kept glowering at Jonah in distrust as Buck and Hen each took turns petting the dog to calm him down. Tommy turned to Jonah apologetically. “Sorry. He can be a bit protective sometimes. We’ve been working on that.” The dog let out a whimper upon hearing his owner’s disapproval, and Tommy knelt down to kiss the dog on the top of the head. “It’s okay, buddy,” he murmured.

“Not a problem,” Jonah said, smiling, but Hen didn’t smile; Bobby knew that she wasn’t happy about Jonah being there, about him essentially replacing Chimney, but they needed the slot filled now that Eddie was working at dispatch. And Bobby still needed to find a partner for Ravi since Ravi’s partner, Castillo, was out on medical leave.

“All right! Let’s move, everyone!” Bobby said, climbing into the captain’s seat in the firetruck. He turned to Tommy. “Kinard, you’re driving.” He tossed Tommy the keys.

Tommy caught the keys in his hand and opened the back door to the firetruck, having Bear climb inside before he went around to the driver’s side. “It’s great to be back,” he commented, putting the keys into the ignition and turning the sirens on. Bobby turned to look behind him at Buck, who seemed to be in heaven, sitting there with Bear beside him, the dog looking happier now that Jonah was in the ambulance with Hen while Buck sat there, petting him and scratching him behind the ears.

Bobby couldn’t help glancing over at Tommy with a smile. He felt that Tommy would fit right back in, no matter how briefly he would be there. He just hoped that Tommy wouldn’t be quick to leave after his suspension from being in the air was up, that Tommy would stick around with them a little while longer, and while Bobby didn’t like to jump to conclusions, he could sense that Tommy would have a pretty good reason to stick around for a bit.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: On the Outside Looking In

Tommy wouldn’t lie. He was jealous.

Seeing how close the 118 team had become long after he left, he wished he had a time machine to go back to when Howie and Hen first tried to be his friends and earn his respect. He realized that if he hadn’t been so cold and judgmental toward them, they could have become much closer, perhaps even forming a genuine friendship beyond Sal DeLuca. Despite sitting at the dinner table with Gerrard and his group of white boys, he felt like he didn’t truly belong there. He often wished he had the courage to sit with Howie instead of letting him be on the outside, but his insecurities and fears always clouded his judgment, holding him back.

When Howie came into the picture, he’d thought, Either he’s going to die, or he’ll leave in some way. They all do, eventually. Why is he even trying?

He recalled asking Howie after that one rescue, “You’re still here?” It had been biting on his part, because he was certain that that was what Gerrard would want to hear. But it had also been a genuine surprise that Howie still had so much moxie to stick around like that.

God, how he wished he hadn’t pushed Howie and Hen away initially. Sure, they’d become friends. But they were hardly a family.

Bobby had started to shape the team into a family, and he’d missed out on it as he went back up into the clouds, in a chopper, back to his roots.

Being back with the 118 was a reminder of that.

Witnessing how seamlessly Hen and Evan worked together, and how effortlessly Bobby and Evan also connected, made him realize he was not truly part of this team. Maybe, for now, he was. But once his grounding ended, he would return to the 217, where he would likely lose touch with his old friends once more, only to be called back for another favor he would feel compelled to return because he owed Howie and Hen.

That jealousy of the 118’s family dynamic deepened when they were called to the Quinceañera, which went completely wrong when the young lady was floating on a chair lifted by balloons, and she was sure she saw someone who was dead and stuck on a rooftop.

That was just the cherry on top of the sundae. The first portion of the shift had been a level 2 fire, a pileup on the highway, and then someone was reported missing near the mountains in need of medical attention.

In other words, a relatively normal, average shift at the 118.

They arrived on the scene, and the girl's father was speaking to Bobby, explaining that the owners of the country club mentioned that the building the victim had fallen on top of was vacant for repairs.

Tommy sighed as he and Evan marched toward the building, Bear on the other end of the leash as he led the way through the scene. Tommy just wished that they weren’t being filmed with cellphone cameras and that this thing wasn’t turning into a huge spectacle.

In some ways, he missed the year 2005 when Howie first joined. Back then, there was no Twitter, Instagram, or TikTok, just Facebook, while Myspace died out. Times were so much simpler back then.

He heard Bobby’s orders to the father to keep everyone back as he and Evan went toward the house, and Hen and Jonah headed to the rooftop to check on the vic.

“Come on, Bear,” Tommy said, leading his dog toward the house as he and Evan went inside, while Hen and Jonah were up top. They went in, and Tommy could see that the entire interior was wooden, the signs that it was still under construction. There were also yellow power cables exposed, and as Tommy and Evan moved scraps of wood to get to the victim, he heard Hen’s voice on the radio.

“Tommy? How are we looking down there?”

“Almost in position,” Tommy confirmed back to her.

But as they drew nearer, Bear began tugging Tommy in the direction of the victim, seeming especially distressed, and Tommy also heard Evan say, “Hey, um, Tommy, I don’t want to sound insensitive, but do his legs look really short?”

Tommy peered over Evan’s shoulders to see what he was talking about. There were two compound fractures to the man’s legs, and Tommy had spent enough time in the Army to recognize a bilateral knee dislocation; the man’s knee bones were popping right out, covered in garish, red blood. He winced and hissed in sympathy as Bear started to whine beside him.

“Easy, boy,” Tommy whispered, leaning down to kiss the dog on the top of the head before saying, “Um, Hen, Jonah, you gotta get down here, ASAP! And Bobby, get up top. Evan and I will meet you up there. This man’s fibulas are being pushed up out of his legs! He’ll need to be cut out.”

“Copy that, Kinard,” Bobby said.

Evan shot him a look, along with what looked to be a flustered smile. “Um, you seemed to miss that everyone around here calls me ‘Buck.’”

“I know they do,” Tommy said, smiling back at him. “But you’ve also got a name. And I like it.”

Evan seemed to blush a little at that, and Tommy chuckled as he led the way out of the barn and left Bear in the grass.

“Sit,” he ordered the dog, but the dog started to snarl in distaste as Jonah came down from the roof with Hen. Tommy rolled his eyes in exasperation. Tommy muttered, “Paranoid big baby,” before he gestured for Evan to follow him to the ladder, and they saw that Bobby had the saw ready to go.

“Okay, we’re going to have to cut him out to transport him,” Bobby said. “Buck, you got the saw?”

“On it, Cap.” Evan took hold of the saw, and Tommy shot Bobby a nervous glance.

“I spent some time working construction,” Evan said confidently, winking with a sort of cockiness, and Tommy grinned, feeling a little more relaxed that at least Evan knew what he was doing with power tools.

“Tommy, help me hold him steady.” After Bobby said that, they heard Hen say that they were ready for extraction, and he said, “All right, Lenny, stay calm. Things are gonna get a little noisy.” He nodded at Evan, who went in with the saw and began to cut the man out of the roof once the blanket was placed around the man to cover him; the noise from the power saw sliced through the air sharply, whirring as it cut through wood chips, splintering away. Lenny would have to be transported to the hospital with his legs up, but it was the best they could do at this point for him. Tommy watched nervously as Buck sliced into the rooftop with the precision of someone who’d worked construction before, and once Lenny was freed, Tommy helped hold Lenny up so that they could move him down to where Jonah and Hen were.

“All right, on three! One, two, three!” Bobby barked, and Tommy and Evan maneuvered Lenny down slowly onto the board. Tommy held his breath as Jonah strapped the oxygen mask onto Lenny’s face to help him breathe, and another paramedic held a bag full of fluids as they transferred him to a gurney, and they began to move him out.

Tommy sighed with relief—another rescue for the books.

“Good work,” Bobby said to Tommy, grinning as they climbed down, and as Tommy helped one of the floaters move the ladder back to the truck, he watched as the mariachi band began to play a song for their farewell. Everyone present began to clap as Evan started waving goodbye, a stupid smile on his face that Tommy could not help but notice was adorable as Bear stuck closely to Evan’s side, panting and wagging his tail and seeming attached to Evan’s hip. Tommy almost felt jealous as his dog picked up on Evan’s happy, carefree energy. Evan waved and smiled at the cameras filming them, and Bobby shot Evan that disappointed dad look. Looking at them, Tommy could have sworn they looked alike. He couldn’t help the chuckle that burst out of him as Bobby continued casting Evan that disapproving look, the look a father wore when he scolded his child, and Evan dropped his hand down, shaking his head, and Tommy laughed softly again as he put the ladder back on the truck and climbed into the driver’s seat.

Evan climbed into the back of the truck as Bobby went to the passenger’s side, and he said, “Do you always gotta be a mood killer, Pops?”

Bobby sighed in exasperation. “And you always, at inopportune times, make a joke.”

“Someone has to bring the humor now that Chim’s no longer here,” Evan grumbled, and Tommy laughed. Bobby shot him his own disapproving look.

“Don’t encourage him, Tommy.”

“I’m not,” Tommy said, coughing so that he could stop laughing as they drove to the hospital to oversee the transport.

It was much later that night that Tommy found himself at Hen and Karen’s. Hen decided that he needed to have dinner with them to catch up on lost time, and he wasn’t about to decline a dinner invitation, especially if Karen was cooking.

He barely stepped inside the house when he got an armload of Denny; he was surprised that Denny remembered him at all, given that he’d barely gone over to Hen and Karen’s home even when he’d been a member of the 118, but Denny had been around the firehouse enough to know who he and Sal were.

“Tommy?” Denny exclaimed, clearly happy to see him.

“Hey! What’s up, Denny?” Tommy ruffled the boy’s hair. “Still obsessed with engineering?”

“Yeah! You’ve gotta see my project I’ve been working on! It’s on airplanes!”

“My favorite!” Tommy said, grinning as Denny went off to grab whatever it was he’d been working on. He wandered into the kitchen and sniffed out something that smelled strongly of sweet potato casserole, baked chicken, and bacon-roasted collards. “Okay, I smell something good.” He grinned as he saw Karen pulling out her sweet potatoes with pecans and marshmallows, and he couldn’t help grinning as he saw his favorite craft beer brand already on the kitchen table. Looking at Hen, he smiled.

Until earlier that day, he hadn’t seen Hen in years. The fact that she remembered that he loved craft beer brought a warm sensation to his chest, seeming to seep all the way through his stomach.

“You remembered,” he breathed before hugging her.

“I remember what matters,” Hen assured him, patting him on the back as Karen went in and gave him a hug.

“How are you?” Karen asked, squeezing him tightly. “Welcome back home!”

“I’ve been good,” Tommy told her. “I’ve been at Harbor Station ever since I left four years ago.”

“I remember Hen talking about it,” Karen said, pulling back with a smile before she pulled a chair out for him and opened up a beer for him. “I can imagine that it felt good, going back to something like that.”

“It was liberating,” Tommy said as he traced the top of his beer bottle with his finger while Karen set the table. “I learned a lot about myself while I was there. And… well…” He swallowed hard. He’d rehearsed how he’d say this. He said it many times to his co-workers, Captain Smith, the people he’d meet in bars, but Hen and Karen… He knew that they wouldn’t mind it; heck, they’d understand better than anyone could imagine, but either way, there was an anxiousness about admitting it to them out loud when they were part of the reason why he came to this self-actualization shortly before he joined the 217.

“You know I had a fiancé before I left for the 217,” he began slowly.

“Yeah, you mentioned you two broke up three months before you left,” said Hen, sitting down, seeming to understand that what he was about to say was heavy, and Tommy appreciated it. This was the kind of conversation that should be noted before dinner, out of earshot from Denny, who was eagerly preparing to show Tommy his latest school project. He didn’t need to talk about this over Karen’s baked chicken and sweet potato casserole.

“There was a reason for that,” he told her, his words still slow and deliberate as he tried his best to think of how he wanted to verbalize everything. “Before I worked on getting transferred, Bobby pulled me into his office. He asked me if I was happy.” He paused, thinking of Abby, whom he had hurt by leaving in the middle of the night with a note, confessing to her that he loved her, just not in the way that he was supposed to because he was constantly wearing a mask to live up to the image that he felt was expected of him, the mask that his father had created for him, the one that Captain Gerrard seemed to further cement onto his face the longer he stayed under the man’s thumb, until Hen gave him the courage to speak up and say that what Gerrard was doing was wrong; she showed him how to be brave.

He remembered reading those Goosebumps books as a child. The Haunted Mask story was his least favorite one because it reflected his deepest, worst nightmares of wearing a mask that would never come off. As he got older, that nightmare got scarier, but he wore that mask because of the expectations thrust upon his shoulders.

The expectation to be the perfect son.

The expectation to be the kind of firefighter Gerrard demanded.

The expectation to be as hard as a rock.

The expectation to be a straight, narrow line.

The expectation of walking a taut, thin rope, where one misstep would cause you to fall, because nobody was there to catch you.

He’d accepted it. He would say what Gerrard would expect him to say to alienate every new guy who entered the 118; he was parroting from a script, robotic, his words mean and cold, designed to push people away, yet part of him secretly wanted friendship, wanted to belong, wanted to feel like he could let others in, but whenever he did, those people left. Or worse, they died. And he never saw them again.

But Hen and Howie stayed. Sal stayed. Bobby stayed. And Abby… she stayed even though he’d left.

Swallowing the tight feeling out of his throat, he said, “I wasn’t. I told Bobby that. He told me that I deserved to be happy.” His mouth went dry, but he didn’t want anything to drink. He didn’t want any distractions. He just had to say this. “That same night, I broke up with my fiancé. I told her that I cared about her, that she deserved better than me because… because I loved her, just not in the way that I should…” He felt Hen reach across the table and grab his hand; she seemed to know what he was saying without him saying it out loud. Her wide brown eyes bore into him, conveying compassion, and he whispered, roughly, “You and Howie scared me, Hen. Because… Because everyone always left. All the time. Every time I got close to someone, they would either leave because they couldn’t take the heat. Or I would watch them die right in front of me. So, I just got along to get along. When Howie first entered the room, I asked about tipping the delivery guy.” He spat those words out like they were poison on his tongue, wanting to get rid of the sour feeling that developed in his throat.

“I know you would say things like that because you thought Gerrard would want to hear that,” Hen said gently. “Yes, it was ignorant. But you were never cruel. You just put up a wall and kept everyone at arm’s length.”

“Because I was scared of everyone knowing the truth,” he said. “Do you think Sal would have understood? He’d joke about it all the time! It was like he knew, but I wasn’t gonna say it in front of Gerrard because Gerrard would have done even worse, but I think Gerrard knew because he took me under his wing.” He gritted his teeth, disgusted with himself that he’d ever tried to fit into the mold Gerrard created for him; it was like trying to fit a square into a circle, squeezing it so tightly that it couldn't fit, no matter how badly you wanted to make it fit. “But the truth was always there. I knew it from the moment I was in high school, and my eyes landed on the captain of the Varsity hockey team, and I didn’t notice any girls at all because… because they were pretty, but I just didn’t find them attractive. But then I thought about my dad, and what he would say, and his attitude about those who were different, how growing up, he didn’t allow me to play with black or Asian or Hispanic kids because they didn’t look like me… I wanted him to love me, I enlisted in the Army for him, but no matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for him!” He lowered his gaze, feeling so ashamed as he confessed to how his dad’s racist attitude shaped him into the kind of guy he’d been when he first met Howie, how he didn’t really feel that way, but he put up the front because it was expected of him.

Hen, squeezing his hand again, gave him the courage to speak the truth he’d denied for years. The words spilled out past his lips. “I’m gay.” It felt like a colossal weight lifted off his chest and shoulders, and he felt lighter as he finally revealed the truth to the woman who’d been such a good friend. With Hen, there was no pressure. She was just kind. Easy. Warm. Something safe.

Hen rubbed her thumb along the back of his knuckles gently as she nodded. “It’s okay.”

“You didn’t deserve the guy that I was back then, Hen,” he said. “You and Howie deserved better.”

“And you’ve got nothing to apologize for because I know you’re sorry. I know that you and Sal wrote letters on my behalf and got Gerrard fired.”

“I know. But I want to say it anyway. I’m sorry, Hen.”

Hen hummed gently, letting them bask in the silence for a moment before Karen asked, “Are you seeing anyone right now?”

Tommy shook his head. “No. I’ve had a few boyfriends in the past. But they always run before it gets serious.”

“Hot for a firefighter until they realize the danger that comes with being attached to it?” Hen asked gently.

Tommy nodded. “You could say that.”

Hen nodded in understanding. “It takes a special kind of person to stick it out with you as you make that sacrifice.” She took Karen’s hand into her own, and Tommy managed a weak smile in their direction.

“I want what you have,” he said.

“And you will have it, one day,” Karen assured him kindly, patting his shoulder. “Now, how about we eat? Hopefully, you’ll save some room for dessert. I made my red velvet cake.”

Tommy nodded. Comfort food was what he needed right now. And he did like red velvet cake a lot. At one point, before he joined the firefighter academy, he was stationed in Kentucky between his first and second military tours. Red velvet cake was one of the many things he missed about the South.

“Since you baked it, I’ll make room for it,” he told Karen, smiling a little wider. Sure, he was on the outside, not quite a member of the little family Bobby had built, but Hen and Karen welcomed him back into their home with open arms. He felt like he belonged again.

Buck was shocked that the food was actually very good.

Looking at Taylor, he saw she was surprised, too. He’d pre-warned her, saying that she should eat before coming to dinner at Eddie’s because Eddie’s cooking skills were abysmal. He lived off Tia Pepa’s cooking and takeout because he ruined pancakes and couldn’t even make a simple chicken dish.

But this was excellent. The meatloaf was even better than Maddie’s. The green beans had a good snap to them. The mashed potatoes were creamy, second to Bobby’s, and the gravy was succulent.

Since when could Eddie cook?

He looked at Taylor and saw that she was barely eating, but she seemed to want more. Buck suddenly regretted telling her to eat before she came over because Eddie had put in a lot of effort into making dinner, and it was more than edible, and Buck was confident that they wouldn’t be poisoned in the end, either.

Who knew that Eddie stepping away from the firehouse and working at dispatch would lead to him becoming Bobby Flay? Bobby would be jealous.

Eddie, from where he sat across from them, eyed Taylor as she picked at her food. Buck was suddenly grateful for Taylor; at least she understood the job, and she fit so well with him, Eddie, and Christopher, and was brave enough to possibly risk food poisoning during their family dinners. She deserved the medal of valor, as far as Buck was concerned.

Finally, Eddie said, “Your food okay?”

Taylor glanced up at him, smiling sheepishly. “Oh, it’s… it’s really good. I mean, actually, really good. I’m just not that hungry, so…”

Eddie shot a knowing glance at Buck, smirking. “He told you to eat something before you came here, didn’t he?”

Buck spoke around a mouthful of meatloaf, still unable to get over how good it actually was. “I wasn’t gonna take any chances. You do not wanna meet a hangry Taylor.”

Taylor laughed lightly around a mouthful, and Buck couldn’t help glancing at her in agreement that they were surprised that Eddie could suddenly cook a decent meal. “But this, this is, this really good. Uh…” He picked up a dinner roll and sighed, feeling that Eddie had to be taking credit for Carla’s hard work. He had the strangest sensation that Carla was hiding somewhere in the shadows, or maybe she’d cooked beforehand and driven off to go home to her husband. “Carla, you can come on out. I know you made dinner. Come on. Where are you?”

“All this time, everybody thought I was a bad cook,” Eddie said smugly, crossing his arms.

“You were,” sassed Christopher, and Buck couldn’t help grinning in return as he leaned back in his chair.

“But now that I’m on a regular schedule, I’ve had a lot more time to practice,” he said, shooting a pointed look in Taylor’s direction.

“Well, practice definitely makes perfect,” Taylor commented, grinning. “I’m impressed.”

“Me too,” Buck said, going back for more green beans. “You got to make this when you come back to the firehouse.”

At that comment, the atmosphere became tense with unease as Eddie breathed out an audible sigh. “Hope you’re not too full for dessert,” he said.

Taylor shook her head and shot him an incredulous glance. “Is that possible?”

Buck watched as Eddie exited the dining room to head to the kitchen. Granted, he knew a lot was off with Eddie ever since his best friend announced that he was quitting the LAFD. He felt like he knew Eddie better than himself. Sure, people in the LAFD joked about them being like an “old married couple,” but Buck knew, deep down, that what he shared with Eddie was a deep, platonic bond that had them soul-bound, if that were a possibility. He remembered when Chim forced him to watch that Shadowhunters TV show and how it explained that parabatai thing, a bond that bound you to another’s soul for the rest of your life; he was convinced that that was him and Eddie without question, that they were brothers in all but blood, and that it was a damn good thing they didn’t live together, because they’d rip each other’s heads off. He didn’t think he’d be able to live with Eddie’s terrible cooking or his snoring; they’d been briefly quarantined together during COVID, and that had been enough to send Buck packing back to his loft, and it led to him having Albert for a roommate.

He would happily skip living with Eddie. Wasn’t it enough that he was Christopher’s surrogate uncle?

Glancing at Taylor, he explained that he was going to go check on Eddie, and wandered to the kitchen to see Eddie placing the dishes in the sink.

“Hey, you okay?” Buck asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie said around an uncomfortable chuckle.

“You look tired,” Buck noted, which was the first oddity. Surely, Eddie should be getting more sleep now that he wasn’t in the firehouse anymore, right? But it seemed lately that Eddie’s PTSD was pushing him toward a place that Buck did not want to imagine he’d go, and it worried him. He’d seen enough of how PTSD affected a person from his time in BUD/S training; it was why he rang out during Hell Week. He couldn’t turn it on and off like everyone else did. And he didn’t want to. He’d rather let himself feel than bottle it all up and lock it in a box. Eddie, on the other hand, locked it all up until it burst out in anger, and it led to him cage fighting for money, and he almost killed somebody as a result.

“Look, man, you don’t need to pretend with me,” Buck said honestly, because it was the truth. He was Eddie’s best friend. Eddie knew that he could be himself with Buck without any fear of punishment. “It’s okay to miss the job, you know? I remember what it was like when I was Fire Marshal Buck.”

“This isn’t the same thing,” Eddie insisted, though it sounded weak to Buck. “I like what I’m doing.”

“Yeah, but it’s not what you’re supposed to be doing,” Buck stressed. “You’re a firefighter.”

“I’m still a firefighter,” Eddie said, once again sounding weak in his excuse.

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Buck,” Eddie cut him off gently. “You need to move on. I have.”

Buck just stood there, blinking. He felt tempted to ask, What if I don’t want to? He missed having Eddie out there with him at his side. He missed their dynamic. Sure, Ravi was shaping up to be great. And Tommy, from the looks of it, wasn’t a bad partner, either; in fact, Tommy was on par with Eddie, probably because both Tommy and Eddie served in the army. However, it wasn’t the same. Yeah, Tommy was cool, he seemed really nice, he gelled right back into the 118 like it was just natural, and Buck wouldn’t lie, Tommy coming with an adorable K9 partner helped a lot, but he couldn’t help feeling like he was being left out on something when he watched Tommy interact with Hen and Bobby, even though Tommy made an effort to try and keep him in it; Buck could imagine that Tommy had been out of it for so long that he was finding his footing in the new dynamic, and that was something Buck could hardly blame Tommy for at all. Still, it wasn’t like Tommy could easily fill the place that Eddie had been in for the past three years, either.

He felt conflicted. On the one hand, having Tommy as a partner was all right. But he wasn’t Eddie. And those conflicting emotions followed him all the way home and into his bed with Taylor that night. Taylor fell asleep quickly. But Buck lay wide awake, unable to fight the sensation that something was going to come to blows soon; he could almost hear a clock ticking inside his brain as he tried to relax his hyperactive mind. But nothing could stop the sensation of dread that pooled through him as Eddie’s words replayed in his mind, telling him to accept that his best friend wasn’t coming back to the 118.

But then another sensation filled him as his mind, surprisingly, shifted to Tommy, Tommy who had an adorable dog and a cleft chin and blue eyes that seemed to hide absolutely nothing; he was broody, and commanding, and strong, and confident, and calm under pressure, and got along with just about everyone, especially Hen, who’d known him even before Bobby did. Buck couldn’t quite place why Tommy was on his mind, but he liked how Tommy called him Evan, how Tommy looked at him and seemed to see him, how Tommy laughed at his commentary, how Tommy could command his dog with so much authority and power, and the very thought of that kept him up along with his worry for Eddie.

Tommy and Eddie seemed to meld into one as he finally drifted, dreaming not of his girlfriend, but of a handsome former military man with baby blues and a cleft chin and one fine, furry friend…

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: The New Guys

When Buck entered the firehouse the following morning, he overheard Hen asking Bobby about Jonah, the same question that he had been wondering about regarding Eddie and whether or not Eddie would ever return.

It wasn’t that he disliked Tommy, per se. He liked Tommy well enough. He just didn’t like the thought of somebody else filling Eddie’s slot. It was always Buck and Eddie. The way that it should be. Without Eddie there as his right hand, Buck felt that he was just lost.

“Hey, Cap, can I talk to you?” Buck asked as he approached Bobby, who had a pile of paperwork in front of him.

“Can it wait, Buck?” asked Hen.

“Is your name Cap?” Bobby asked her, clearly attempting at a joke, but Buck wasn’t in the mood for Bobby’s dad jokes.

“I was here first,” Hen said defensively.

“Did you know Eddie’s not coming back to the 118?” Buck demanded, ignoring Hen completely as he felt his jealousy flare, jealousy for the fact that Tommy was Eddie’s replacement and also jealousy for the fact that Tommy just molded right back in so perfectly, and yet he wanted nothing more than to gain the guy’s attention because Tommy was so cool. It was a potent mix of jealousy and desire, one that he’d never felt before.

“I suspected as much when he asked for a transfer,” Bobby said evenly.

“I know,” Buck said, “but it-it was supposed to be temporary, like Chimney. They’re supposed to come back.”

“They are not coming back,” Hen said, the realization seeming to sink in for her the longer they stood there, but Buck wasn’t willing to accept that option yet.

“I don’t know,” Buck said. “I-I had dinner with Eddie last night, and he-he seemed…”

“Seemed what?” asked Bobby.

“Different,” was all Buck could say, and that was the best word that he could use. Eddie was shutting down. It was like he was becoming an entirely different person, one whom Buck could no longer recognize. In all his time of knowing Eddie, Eddie wasn’t content to just settle. He fought for what he wanted. He’d fought his parents for Christopher when they’d entertained the thought of having Christopher live with them when Eddie was moving to LA. Why wasn’t Eddie fighting now? Was he just giving up?

Bobby shot him a querulous look. “Buck, Eddie just needs time away. And until I feel he’s ready to come back, Tommy is in his roster spot.”

Buck shook his head. “It’s not the same.”

“It’s not,” Bobby agreed, “but we need to accept that things around here are going to be different.”

“Even if that means you putting Monday in the team roster without consulting me,” Hen said.

“Hen, Jonah is a good paramedic and would serve as a great addition. He’s impressing me with his performance so far; he’s giving me no reason to think he’s incompetent,” Bobby said, filing away the paperwork before moving to the kitchen to get started on dinner; the A shift was officially starting a twenty-four-hour shift that night, and Buck knew that they would be in for a long one. As he walked downstairs to his locker, though, he noticed a piece of tape with Tommy’s last name, Kinard, plastered over where Eddie’s last name was supposed to be, but before he could think about ripping the tape away out of resentment and mirror what he’d done when Lena had filled his spot, he heard a whine behind him, and he saw Tommy’s K9 partner standing there at his feet, watching him critically.

Buck sighed before he knelt down to scratch the dog behind the ears. He knew that he couldn’t do what he felt like doing in front of the dog; he suspected that, as much as Bear liked him, the dog wouldn’t hesitate to tear his arm right off if he so much as displayed an ounce of hostility toward Tommy.

“You know,” a voice said over his head, “that dog senses when someone’s feeling resentment. It’s one of his many talents.”

Buck glanced up at Tommy and shook his head. “It’s not you. It’s me.”

“I know,” Tommy said firmly. “Evan, I’m not trying to replace anybody. I requested to transfer here because frankly, I needed a change in scenery after I got grounded. I understand you and Eddie had your partnership.”

“Have,” Buck corrected, his tone a little sharper than he intended. “He just… He’ll come back. He will. He has to,” he added sheepishly. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t allow himself to feel angry at Tommy like he did when Eddie first came to the 118 and they clashed instantly. Tommy made it impossible to hate him.

“But what if he doesn’t?” Tommy inquired. “Then what would you do? Hmm?”

“I-I don’t know,” Buck admitted.

Tommy gave him a severe look, one that seemed to hold answers that Buck was reluctant to accept. Still, he said, “Evan…”

“It’s Buck,” Buck corrected, but he still felt his face go hot at Tommy calling him Evan. Something about the way Tommy said his real name brought forth a confusing array of emotions through him, emotions that he couldn’t quite understand. He was torn between liking it and it being a reminder of all the times his parents would tell him, “You are so reckless, Evan! You never think!” and “You’re not careful! You just throw yourself into danger! Evan, do you not ever stop and consider that children die?” Knowing what he knew about his parents and the loss they went through with Daniel, Buck was trying to understand, but he always associated the name Evan with words like disappointment and attention seeker, the guy who threw himself at women thoughtlessly and slept around to chase a high. Never once did anyone, besides his sister, say the name Evan with affection and care.

This was a first.

“Everyone else calls me Buck,” he added weakly, his tongue feeling leaden in his mouth, tired of repeating the same information.

“Well, I’m not everyone else,” said Tommy evenly, before continuing his point. “Evan, whether you want to accept it or not, I’m needed here. We’re all on the same team.”

“Yeah, but you don’t get to just come back in after having been gone for so long,” Buck argued, his tone weak. He tried to lace as much condensation into his tone as he could, but it fell flat. It seemed no matter how hard he tried, his words would not bite, because Tommy wouldn’t allow them to. Or maybe, it was because Tommy’s dog was sitting right there and would no doubt tear his arm right out of its socket if he so much as did anything to hurt Tommy; Buck recalled how Bear growled at Jonah, deciding right away that he did not like him…

“And? Your point is? I’ve known Hen and Bobby longer, Evan; when I came back the other day, it was just easy to fall back into it again. I was reminded of how much I missed it,” Tommy said. “And I know I’ve been gone. I know that you and Firefighter Diaz shared something beyond a workplace partnership; from what Bobby’s told me, you guys are family. And I’m not trying to take that away from you. But I am back. And I don’t know how long I’m gonna stay. All I know is I’m here to do my job just like you.”

Buck sighed. Why the hell did Tommy have to be so reasonable? He wanted to get mad, to get indignant, to tell Tommy to stop being so logical about it. But as he continued staring into those blue eyes and looking at the cleft chin, part of him wanted Tommy to continue talking to him this way because… Because even when he tried to stop, he couldn’t stop thinking about Tommy.

But before he could continue the conversation, the bell sounded.

Time to get to work.

One of the many calls they went to involved a car having a bomb hooked up to it, and if the car didn’t stay at the speed the caller demanded, the bomb would detonate.

Buck found it ironic that one of his first calls with Eddie, the call that bonded them together, had been for a grenade stuck in a man’s leg. Now, here he was with Tommy, taking care of another bomb about to blow. They also had Ravi with them for additional support, along with the squad from the 147.

Buck listened to Bobby’s command, biting his lower lip. “Step one, we’re gonna ride alongside that pick-up truck and match its speed. We have to move fast, so the 147 is here to assist. Buck, once we’re in position, I want you to jump into that truck bed with Tommy. Ravi is here to give a hand; somebody from the 147 will also be here to help.”

Buck waited until they were lined up beside the truck before climbing out, Ravi and Tommy right behind him. He could hear Bobby announcing that the 118 was on the move, asking the 147 how things were on their end.

“Donato, headed out to meet you now,” came a female voice on the other end, and Buck watched as the female firefighter climbed aboard the top of her own ladder truck. A million things could go wrong was all he could think as he tried to figure out how to jump down onto the pickup, but then Tommy took the lead and leaped down, landing on the truck bed.

“Just like riding a bike,” Tommy grinned reassuringly, and Buck nodded back at him, leaping down while Donato and Ravi hovered overhead.

“Nice jump,” Buck complimented Tommy sheepishly.

“Yours wasn’t bad either. I give yours a seven,” Tommy said, hooking the end of his harness to the truck.

“Really? I thought that was more like an eight point five,” Buck said.

“We’ll talk numbers later over drinks when this is all over,” Tommy said.

“Hey, lover boys! Focus!” Donato yelled back, and Buck felt his face flush hotly; he could see from his peripheral vision Tommy turning bright red in the face as they ripped the metallic frame off the truck bed to give them easier access to the family inside.

“Okay, let’s move into position two. Ravi, Donato, you’re topside,” Bobby announced.

Buck crawled his way closer to the family, saying, “Okay, how’s everyone doing?”

“Ravi, extend the ladder,” Bobby commanded.

“Ladder’s on the move!” Ravi announced as Lucy climbed over onto the 118’s ladder so that she could keep watch on it.

Buck focused all his attention on calming the family, all the while ignoring how fast his own heart was racing as he assured them that he and Tommy were going to get them out of there. He told the kids that they were going to be first and that Tommy was going to make sure their parents got out next. Buck grabbed hold of the first child tightly before passing the boy off to Ravi, who reached his hand outward and grabbed on, pulling the boy up. Buck then passed the other boy off to Lucy and Ravi. All the while, Bobby told the dad to watch his speed and keep it steady.

“We’ve got you,” Tommy said reassuringly. “You all are gonna be just fine, all right?”

“Take it nice and easy,” Buck said, watching as the children were pulled up, but then they heard Eddie’s voice coming on the other end of the line.

“Guys, guys, it’s Eddie. Do not move the driver. A bomb like that is a sophisticated device. There could be a pressure switch somewhere that senses the driver’s movements. Let me talk to the driver.” Eddie spent the rest of the time speaking to the dad, and Tommy nodded in agreement.

“He’s right,” Tommy said as he moved closer to be in position to help the mom. “We don’t know how sensitive that bomb is. Let’s just hope Diaz can direct him.”

“He can,” said Buck. “He removed a live grenade from a man’s leg once.”

“Damn. And I wasn’t there for that? Sorry that I missed all the fun,” Tommy said, smirking, and Buck felt tempted to laugh; the fact that Tommy could so easily crack a joke at such an inopportune moment made Buck feel a little more at ease.

“You should’ve been there to see it.”

“I’m jealous. But I guess this comes close.”

“You know I was thinking the same thing.”

“Were you, now?”

“Stop flirting and focus, boys!” they heard Donato scold them, and once again, they both blushed deeply as Eddie instructed the father to check underneath the gas pedal in the truck. Upon the father confirming that there was a pressure switch there, Eddie instructed him not to take his foot off the gas. However, Buck then noticed that they didn’t have a lot of freeway left, and he confirmed that to Eddie. When Buck heard the mom suggest that she switch places with her husband, he felt a rush of worry, especially as he watched the children quickly climb up the ladder. He could also hear Athena assuring the woman that she understood better than anyone that having a parent disapprove of your spouse was something difficult, and it was followed by the woman kissing her husband, hopefully not for the last time, and Buck grabbed her hand tightly, feeling it shake with fear as he saw the tears falling from her eyes.

“Come on, we’ve got you!” Tommy yelled. “Listen, your husband is gonna be just fine. You hear me? Now get up the ladder. We’ll be right behind you! Let’s move!” They watched as Mom climbed up to Ravi, and they followed her just as quickly, moving fast, but Dad just as quickly followed behind.

“Wait, who’s driving the truck?” Buck demanded as he peered inside the truck, trying to get a view.

“EVAN! COME ON! GET MOVING!” Tommy yelled as the truck moved further and further away from the ladder, and Buck made the jump; Tommy grabbed his hands tight, and Buck gripped on as Tommy pulled him up. His heart was in his throat the whole time as he looked into Tommy’s eyes, seeing real worry there as Tommy pulled him up, but despite that worry, Tommy wore a smile, and as strained as that smile was, it made him feel a little better knowing that Tommy had his back.

“Come on, Evan, I’ve got you,” Tommy grunted, pulling hard, and Buck climbed up onto the ladder, panting hard.

“That was badass,” he said to Tommy hoarsely.

“You weren’t too bad yourself, Evan,” Tommy said the name Evan in that way that made Buck’s heart nearly stop, and he felt breathless as he stared at Tommy’s lips. He grew nervous and flustered the longer he looked at Tommy, unsure of the magnetic pull that he felt toward the older man who’d waltzed back into the 118 and instantly grabbed his attention in ways that nobody else ever had before.

Tommy extended his hand for a fist bump, and Evan complied, pounding his fist against Tommy’s, the touch warm even though gloves covered their hands.

They all watched with bated breath as the truck went crashing into water canisters at the end of the freeway.

“Wait, so the bomb was fake?” Tommy asked, voicing exactly what Buck thought, but then they all watched as it detonated, the truck bursting with it.

“Nope,” commented Donato, shaking her head.

It was much later that Buck and the others who’d participated in the daring pickup truck rescue on the freeway were at a bar downtown, a bar that the firefighters all frequented, even Bobby, who was ordering a club soda. They all sat around in the booths, watching the recap of the rescue on the news.

Upon hearing the newscaster’s praise, everyone clapped loudly, raising their bottles and glasses high up in celebration.

“That’s the second time they ran it this hour!” Tommy said. “Man, the ratings are gonna be through the roof!”

“Only in LA would firefighters care about ratings,” Bobby said, smiling.

“Well, what did they hear about in Minnesota, Cap? Cheese?” Buck teased, and Tommy laughed, nearly spitting up his craft beer.

“Wisconsin is cheesy, Buck,” Bobby said sternly. “Minnesota, we are about the official state grain of wild rice.”

“And ice hockey. And of course, the Vikings. And those three Mighty Ducks movies,” Tommy commented, taking a swig of beer.

Bobby shot Tommy an incredulous glance. “So you acknowledge us for something, Kinard?”

“Hey, we never should’ve underestimated you years ago, Cap,” Tommy said. Turning to Buck, he said, “We all talked crap about him needing a map during his first week with us.”

“And on that note, Kinard, have you seen any chickens lately?” Bobby asked, grinning, and Buck watched in curiosity as Tommy’s entire head turned bright red, his blue eyes widening in fear.

“No.”

“Why chickens?” asked Buck.

“Week one, we had a run-in with a pissed off rooster named Maurice,” Tommy said.

“It was a cockfighting ring,” Hen said in distaste. “And if I recall correctly, you and Sal stood around doing the chicken dance while Cap over here saved the day.”

“How was I supposed to know that you calm a raging rooster by putting a towel over him?” Tommy demanded, slamming his beer bottle down on the tabletop.

“You didn’t grow up on a farm, Kinard,” Bobby smirked. “And there you all were making fun of me for not fitting in the big city.”

“That’s right. I come from the semi-safe suburban streets of New Jersey, home of the Devils—”

“Okay, for the record,” Buck said, cutting Tommy off. “They suck. The best team is the Flyers.”

“So, you’re from Philly?” Tommy asked.

“Hershey.”

“Well, then you know the Rangers suck while the Flyers swallow and Crosby watches,” Tommy shot back, and Buck shook his head, laughing, even if Tommy was trashing his team.

“Okay, fine, I’ll give you that. But New Jersey is home to maybe only a few good singers.”

“Only a few?” Tommy shot back. “Let me guess. You’re only aware of the Jonas Brothers? How about Whitney Houston? Sinatra? Springsteen? Gerrard Way? Benjamin Burley? Latifah? Bon Jovi? And don’t discount actors, either: Andrew McCarthy, Abbott and Costello, Danny DeVito, Travolta, Bruce Willis…”

Buck sighed; he knew he wouldn’t win the war of which region was better, Philadelphia or Northern New Jersey. “Fair enough. And by the way, Who’s on first?”

“I’m asking you who’s on first!” 

“That’s the man’s name.”

“That’s whose name?”

“Yes.”

“Well, go ahead and tell me.”

“Who.”

“Who is the guy on first base?”

“Who.”

“The first base!”

“Who is on first!”

At Hen’s bewildered expression, Tommy and Buck turned to her, shaking their heads. “Abbot and Costello? Who’s on First?” Tommy asked her.

“I’m surprised you know that one, Buck,” Bobby said.

“Maddie would watch it with me when we were kids,” Buck said, laughing.

“If Howie were here, he’d get it, Hen,” Tommy said, shaking his head.

Hen shook her head. “What is it with you guys?”

“We’re very well cultured,” Tommy said, smirking as he sipped the last of his beer before opening another bottle.

“All right, guys. Tell you what. I’m calling it,” said Bobby, pushing his club soda aside. “Listen, seriously, great work tonight. Tommy, amazing work out there.”

“It was just like the old days,” Tommy said wistfully. “Even if a few are missing.”

Hen nodded in solemn agreement before following Bobby toward the exit, and Tommy leaned in closer to Buck, who continued to drink, grinning. They ordered a couple more rounds of beer before deciding to start a game of pool, and Tommy started by breaking, choosing number fifteen, and sending it to the corner pocket.

“So, you were in the Army first?” Buck asked.

“Yeah, I was; it was kind of expected that I would go into the Army first because my old man and my grandfather both served; I was born in Jersey, but we moved around quite a bit; we lived in California, Oregan, even Arkansas for a time, until Dad decided to retire and we settled back in New Jersey, just in time for me to play in Peewees right before I turned eleven,” Tommy said. “I enlisted, served two tours, was stationed in Kentucky for a bit; that was where I completed my training for the firefighter’s academy before I chose the station I would be at.”

“What made you pick LA?”

“Needed a change in scenery.” Tommy watched as Buck went for the number three, the ball rolling toward the right corner pocket. “There wasn’t much left for me in Jersey anymore. But that’s a story for another time.”

Buck nodded; he could understand wanting to run, especially if home didn’t feel like home.

“Though I have to admit, you’re not the only one who gets jealous,” Tommy sighed. “When we first met the other day, I was super jealous.”

“You?” Buck asked, peering up from the pool table. “Over what?”

“All of you. The 118,” said Tommy. “How it’s become like a family. I didn’t realize how much I missed out on after I left. It made me wish I’d stuck around to see it.”

“But why did you leave?”

“Bobby told me that he didn’t want me to settle.” Tommy aimed for the eleventh ball, shooting it at the left middle pocket. “He told me that I should spread my wings. That it was my time. That by staying at the 118, I would stay stuck, and he didn’t want that for me. But now that I’m back, I see how it’s changed, and… I want to be a part of that.”

“Hey, you-you still are,” Buck said, setting his pool stick aside. “Hell, you-you even cracked a bad joke about missing out on a live grenade being stuck in a man’s leg. And I won’t lie, when I first saw you, I thought, ‘Wow, that guy is cool. I like that guy.’ And honestly? I-I want to get to know more about you.”

Tommy looked at him in confusion. “Yeah?”

“I-I mean, yeah, I-I resented that you’re Eddie’s replacement. But… But I think there’s more than enough room for both of you. And… to be honest, trying to get your attention has been exhausting.”

Tommy moved around the pool table, grinning slightly, his hand brushing Buck’s. Buck felt his heart stutter briefly as he looked into Tommy’s eyes, seeing a certain layer of uncertainty there as Tommy leaned in a little closer. For some reason, Buck let him, forgetting that he was with Taylor, forgetting that he dated women, forgetting that he wasn’t supposed to be Buck 1.0 anymore, as Tommy leaned forward, his lips lightly brushing against Buck’s.

It was unlike any other kiss he’d ever had. It was soft. It was careful. He could taste the beer on Tommy’s breath as Tommy slowly pulled away, deliberately, whispering, “Um… yeah… I guess… I mean…” Buck felt his nervousness pick up as he suddenly remembered he had a girlfriend. Crap. Damnit. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do?

“Sorry,” he said. “I mean… that was good. It was really good. But you see, I’m kind of seeing someone, and I…”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy said gently, cutting off his rambling. “I understand. It’s just…” He smiled a little sheepishly. “I didn’t know. I should’ve asked first. And…”

“No, no… Don’t worry about it.” The last thing that Buck wanted was to feel like Tommy had violated him, because he hadn’t. But on the other hand, how the hell was he going to explain this to Taylor?

He decided that maybe Taylor did not need to know. He and Tommy were drunk. And when you were drunk, stuff happened. And sure, he liked Tommy. He just wasn’t sure it was in that way.

“I just need a little bit of time,” he decided to say, finally.

“Take all the time you need,” Tommy said. “But just know I won’t do that again unless you give me permission first.”

“Okay.” Buck smiled, feeling his cheeks go hot as his heart stuttered even more, and he felt torn and conflicted between letting Taylor know the truth and hiding it, torn between wanting Tommy to kiss him like that again and demanding that Tommy never do it again because he was in a relationship, not that Tommy knew, Buck should have said he was dating Taylor, so it wasn’t Tommy’s fault; Tommy just acted on his feelings and did what he felt was right to express those said feelings, and Buck wouldn’t lie, it was a bold move and one that he could appreciate, an honest gesture that left him weirdly tingly as he stood there, watching Tommy go back to the bar top to order more beer.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4 – Panic

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the lingering sensation of Tommy’s lips on his. Maybe it was the thought of how the hell he was going to explain things to Taylor. But Buck could feel his anxiety levels spike.

For the longest time, he strove not to be Buck 1.0. It appeared now, he was slipping into his old habits, of being the guy who recklessly hooked up with women, the guy who used his body so that he could get attention from people, except this time, while he’d been yearning for Tommy’s attention, he suddenly wished that it had not been this way, that Tommy hadn’t been so bold and put him in this uncomfortable spot as he tried processing what he was going to do.

He sat there in the back of the Uber with Hen, trying to sort through everything in his screwed-up head. He knew that Hen had seen what he and Tommy had been doing in the bar. He’d caught the look on her face. While she hadn’t seemed surprised that Tommy was gay, she did seem surprised at how much Buck seemed to like it when Tommy kissed him. And Buck was surprised that he liked it, too.

All he could ask Hen was, “Uhh… who-who should I have him drop off first? Me, or you?”

Hen just turned to him with a smile and grabbed his hand in hers. “I ordered the Uber, Buck.”

“Ugh, he kept ordering drinks,” Buck said, feeling the buzz of the liquor catch up to him.

“So, you kissed him?” Hen asked, quizzically.

“Nah, nah, he kissed me,” Buck corrected.

“And?”

“And I said no. I-I… I said I have a girlfriend.” Buck’s voice sounded weak, even to him, as he tried to explain it to Hen, who continued looking at him in concern. “It was weird. I… I mean… I’d never, not before then, y’know? I mean… I love women… I’ve always loved women.”

“But until Tommy kissed you, you didn’t realize you leaned in the other direction?” Hen asked.

“Not specifically. I mean… sure, I’ll check out a hot guy’s ass, but that’s normal, right?”

“It’s not abnormal,” Hen offered, nodding gently.

“But with Tommy… he’s so interesting, and he’s got a cleft, Hen!” Buck groaned, rubbing at his eyes and shaking his head. “Great, now I can’t stop thinking about him! But… I never meant for it to happen, ever. I guess I just… Okay, yeah, maybe I kissed him back…”

“Oh, Buck!”

“No, I know, okay? Um, what do I do now? I mean, I’ve gotta tell Taylor, right?” He was dreading that part. He didn’t want to have to tell Taylor that his new work partner kissed him when they were both drunk in a bar. If Bobby had seen it, he would’ve been lecturing both him and Tommy on professionalism.

“Yes, you have to be honest,” said Hen. After a beat, she said, “Wait, no, don’t tell her. It’ll only make her upset for no reason.”

“Right… don’t wanna do that.”

“Unless you’re gonna kiss Tommy again.” Hen gave him one of her concerned, motherly glances, quiet and full of kindness, no judgment, but still stern enough, reminding him that he needed to hold himself accountable.

Gosh, why was Hen such a mom?

“Hey, I didn’t plan on kissing him the first time,” Buck argued, hearing the tiredness in his voice. “You know it… It just happened. And I didn’t plan on it happening with a guy, either.”

“Then tell Taylor, Buck. You’re a terrible liar, and she’s gonna figure it out anyway.”

That part, Buck knew Hen was right about. Taylor could piece together any clue. It was part of her job as a journalist to piece together information and to search for the truth, and she was like a dog with a bone once she had her sights set on a story; she’d stop at nothing and would put the story above everyone else, though Buck hoped that that was no longer the case; she’d really been there for him with Maddie being missing and things at work changing so much with Eddie. She’d lie in bed with him and hold him through the night while he worried sick over his older sister, and for all of that, Buck owed her. And he knew that he owed her the truth. He just was not certain how he was supposed to tell her, because how the hell did you tell your girlfriend that your new, hot, male work partner kissed you drunkenly in a bar?

He felt sick, and he told Hen as much before asking her to pick a side: whether to tell Taylor or not. Hen just shook her head, sighing sympathetically.

Hen said, “Honesty. Honesty is the best policy. Also, it’s the easiest to remember.”

Buck sighed again. He knew Hen was right. He just wasn’t sure whether or not honesty really was the best policy, in this scenario, at least.

The Uber dropped him off at home first, and he watched as it drove off into the night. When he entered his apartment, he climbed up the stairs of his mezzanine and saw Taylor fast asleep in his bed.

His guilt only further ate at his insides like a parasite as he leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. Every excuse he tried to conjure up in his mind felt small and pathetic as he changed out of his LAPD hoodie and into shorts and a loose T-shirt. And as he climbed into the bed beside Taylor and felt her snuggle closer to him unconsciously, his head spun as the burden of this secret rested heavily on his heart.

He didn’t want to hurt Taylor. He didn’t want to be dishonest with her. He remembered what she said a year ago about how you treat a friend, except Taylor was much more than that now, practically living with him, and he knew that she deserved the honest truth.

But was there such a thing as too much honesty?

He debated that possibility in his mind as he drifted into an uneasy sleep, dreaming of Tommy and his cleft chin and his charm and his beauty, baby blue eyes.

When Hen returned home, she was a little more than surprised to see a guest in her living room, nursing a cup of hot tea in between his hands.

“Tommy,” she said slowly.

Tommy looked drunk. His blue eyes were ringed with red. He smelled of beer. And he blinked, staring straight on as Karen sat beside him, shaking her head.

“I didn’t know Evan was taken, all right?” he said weakly, sounding and looking very guilty, his shoulders slumped in drunken exhaustion. “I should’ve asked permission. I should’ve asked him if he had someone. But…” His voice trailed off as he tried to come up with an explanation. But it fell flat. Hen couldn’t help thinking of how Buck and Tommy were so much alike in that regard, how when they felt guilty over something, they didn’t communicate well.

Buck gave away too much and was a blabbermouth. Tommy said too little and kept more to himself, always had.

This was going to make for a very interesting workplace conversation between Tommy and Buck during the next shift.

“Well, why didn’t you?” Hen asked, quirking an eyebrow at her old friend.

Tommy rubbed his hand over his eyes. “I don’t know. But Hen… I really can’t stop thinking about him.” A smile appeared across Tommy’s face as he said that, and Hen knew that part of the reason was the alcohol in his system. But she could also sense that Tommy was genuine. She’d known he’d been lying about all those supposed “girlfriends” he spoke of having when they worked under Gerrard together. He’d put on a mask and worn it like an obedient soldier, keeping everyone at an arm’s length so that nobody needed to learn the truth about him, but Hen always sensed that Tommy played for the other team, but it had not been her place to say it, either, knowing that Tommy had needed to come to terms with that on her own.

She was glad that he was out and proud now. But that did not mean that she wasn’t exasperated with him for kissing Buck while they were both drunk.

Hen shook her head. “And? What if he didn’t respond well to it? Then what would you have done?”

“I don’t know.” Tommy shrugged. “But he kissed me back.”

“Did he tell you that he’s seeing someone at the moment?” Karen asked.

“After the fact.” Tommy blinked and sipped more tea, shaking his head. “I think this might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done since misjudging you and Howie, Hen.”

Hen moved and sat beside him. “Well, this won’t make you feel any better. Buck feels the same way. And now, he’s trying to figure out how he’ll tell Taylor.”

Tommy groaned. “Then why did you say that if you knew it wouldn’t make me feel better?” He buried his face in his hand as he set his tea down.

“Because if you do that again,” Hen said slowly, “Buck will be in an even more awkward place. And I know you, Tommy. You’re not a bad guy. You wouldn’t want Buck to be in a tough spot like that.”

“But if we see each other at work, there’s a chance it could happen again. I mean, it happened ‘cause we were both drunk, but I’ve kind of wanted to since I met him the other day, and…” Tommy’s face went hot red, and Hen had to guess that this was the first time he’d felt this way about a guy in a while.

Hen sighed, reaching over to rub his shoulder. She could feel the tight tension underneath her touch. “Well, what did you do after you two kissed?”

“You mean after I kissed him and potentially wrecked his relationship? I apologized and said that I should’ve asked for permission, and Evan just looked at me and said not to worry about it and that he needs a little bit of time.” Tommy lifted his face from his hand and turned to Hen, who continued to watch him with neutrality in her eyes; the last thing that she wanted was to make Tommy feel worse over the situation, that him seeing Buck at work during the next shift would be punishment enough as they awkwardly danced around each other, trying to avoid the fact that they’d kissed drunkenly and that Buck would have to explain things to Taylor eventually.

“He… What he did was worse, Hen. He gave me hope.”

“Probably because he doesn’t quite know what to make of it himself, and he really does need to think about it. This is all new to him, too.”

“He has a way of just… making you not feel like crap even when you screw up.”  

“That’s who Buck is,” Hen said gently. “He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“It almost makes me wish that he’d punched me for that,” Tommy said hoarsely. “I was expecting he would. Most guys, when I surprise them by kissing them, tend to do that.”

“Buck’s quicker to punish himself than he would punish you.” Hen squeezed Tommy’s shoulder lightly before saying, “Do you want me to make up the guest room for you?”

Tommy nodded. “I don’t think I can be alone right now.”

“What about Bear?” asked Hen, reminding Tommy that he had his dog.

“I left him with Sal, Stefania, and the girls for the night. Stella and Serafina were happy to have Bear over for a sleepover tonight. I don’t think my goddaughters would ever want Bear to leave.”

Hen nodded. “Good choice.” But then she added, “Does Sal know?”

“About me being gay? Or me kissing Evan?”

“Both.”

“Neither. I just told him that I needed some space, away from home, and that I couldn’t leave Bear alone.”

“Are you ever gonna tell him?”

“I don’t know.”

Hen shook her head. “Tommy!”

“He never gave me much reason to think he’d be okay with it!” Tommy asked, his voice cracking. “And… And I don’t want to lose any kind of relationship that I have with the girls. I don’t know if he’d want Stella and Serafina around someone like me.”

Hen narrowed her eyes at him. That had to be one of the stupidest things Tommy had ever said. “What is it with you? He was cool with me being lesbian when we worked together; we went to Dodgers games together all the time, and never once did he make a joke about me liking women. Yes, he said misogynistic things, but that’s because Salvator DeLuca has no filter on his mouth and says whatever’s on his mind, and last I checked, didn’t he write a letter complaining about Gerrard on my behalf?”

Tommy groaned. “That’s different, Hen. You’re a woman. With guys, it’s… You wouldn’t know. You don’t know what I had to deal with growing up.” Hen knew part of that was Tommy speaking from experience of him and Sal growing up as Army brats; at one point, they’d known each other when Tommy’s father was stationed in Oregon, only to reunite years later when Sal joined the 118 after being transferred out of multiple fire houses for his hot temper. Still, for Tommy not to tell Sal, one of the closest people to him, the father of his goddaughters, it was too many years of stifling silence.

“I think I do,” Hen said evenly. “If you truly trust Sal, you should tell him the truth. It’s been too long for you not to tell your best friend about this part of you.” She went off to make up the room for Tommy, all the while thinking of how Tommy was punishing himself for kissing Buck without permission. He was a lot like Buck in that regard. They beat themselves up all the time, showed very little kindness to themselves, and Tommy’s way of punishing himself in the past was by pushing people away because he felt that he didn’t deserve to have people around due to the poison that Gerrard had shoved deeply inside his head.

At least now, he was coming to somebody he knew that he could trust. He knew that Hen and Karen would not judge, even though he had screwed up and behaved unprofessionally toward Buck, who was supposed to be nothing more than a co-worker to him.

Hen wasn’t sure how Tommy was going to fix things. Let alone how Buck was going to handle things with Taylor. For now, it was her job to be a friend when Tommy needed a friend, even if it did put her in an awkward position with Buck.

It was early the next morning that Bobby opened his front door to see Eddie standing there. He was a little more than surprised to see Eddie, given that he hadn’t heard much from Eddie since his transfer to dispatch. He’d only been hearing things from May, and even then, it wasn’t much at all.

“Eddie,” was all he could say, having not seen Eddie in months, since Christmas, to be exact, when Eddie made the official transfer request. Although Athena reassured him that he could rebuild the team from the ground up, part of him still had his doubts. He knew that Tommy would gel back in well, he did not doubt that. He just wasn’t sure how Tommy and Buck would blend, whether or not they’d blend as well as Buck and Eddie did; you couldn’t replace a bond that tight, just like how there was only one duo of Hen and Chimney; to find a replacement for Chimney felt wrong, just like how it felt wrong replacing Eddie, but Eddie had needed to go so that he could be a dad, so that he could come home to his son, so that he could work through things that he needed to work through because Bobby could see, just from looking at Eddie these days, that Eddie still had never fully healed after everything that happened with Shannon.

If things had healed, he wouldn’t have hurt Ana the way he did when he’d broken up with her.

So, when Eddie came inside and showed Bobby his request to transfer back to the 118, Bobby knew that Eddie was rushing it.

If there was one thing that Bobby learned from his time in AA, it was that recovery took however long it needed and that it should never be rushed. He’d made that mistake once. And it cost him his entire family. There was no getting Marcy, BJ, and Brookie back. Even though he had Athena, Harry, and May, they would never be replacements for the wife and children whom he’d inadvertently killed in that inferno back in Minnesota.

As Bobby took the paperwork, he simply looked at Eddie and said, “Okay, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” said Eddie with a nonchalant shrug, which reminded Bobby way too much of how he’d acted when he’d been half-drunk and high coming home to Marcy every night, and how Marcy would simply look right through him, not believing his lies. “I realized I made a mistake, and I want to fix that. I’m ready to come home.”

Bobby sighed. He knew that he needed to speak from experience if he had any hope of getting through to Eddie. “We talked about this before you left,” he began evenly.

Eddie simply laughed, saying, “I know, I know, you tried to talk me out of it. You were right.”

“It isn’t about being right, Eddie. I just want to understand what’s changed. Three months ago, you asked to transfer out; now you want back in.”

“Christopher was struggling,” said Eddie, as if it were that simple

“He wasn’t the only one,” Bobby reminded him gently. “You said that. I agreed to a transfer, we found you a spot at dispatch, but you don’t seem better. Are you sleeping at all?”

“It’s been a rough few months,” Eddie sighed. “I don’t think I… gelled there, yeah.”

Bobby nodded, understanding, before saying, “I remember when I first went on medical leave. It was like all the noise outside stopped, but the noise inside my head got louder. I think, sometimes, the life we lead, the hours we keep, our focus on others’ well-being—we wind up ignoring our own.”

Eddie shook his head, still in denial, and Bobby could see a mirror image of what he was pre-recovery—the tiredness, the feeling of the weight crushing your shoulders, the stress, the anger that came along with people knowing that you weren’t okay despite pretending that you were okay… It all added up, eventually, until things broke, or in Bobby’s case, burnt down to the ground, and then you lost everything along the way. He wanted better for his firefighters; he especially wanted better for Eddie, whom he looked at as one of his many unruly sons.

“That’s not what’s happening here,” Eddie insisted weakly. “I… I’ll be fine. Once I’m back on the job.”

“I think that may need to wait a little while,” said Bobby as he handed Eddie the paperwork back.

“You’re saying no? Is this punishment for leaving?”

“No. This is concern. I’m not saying never. But for your sake, and the sake of the team, I can’t have you back the way you are right now. You need to go talk to someone, work out whatever’s going on.”

“I don’t need a mental health check. Just need my job back.”

“You’ve known me long enough to know those things go hand in hand.”

A long pause came between them as Eddie nodded before he said, “I can go to another house.”

“Well, you better hope they don’t call me for a recommendation,” Bobby called after him as he watched Eddie leave up the stairs to head to the front door.

Eddie sighed again before turning back to him. “You know, when the brass was coming for you, when they were trying to fire you, I had your back. I supported you. And now, you’re trying to turn on me?”

“Eddie, that’s not what’s going on here. I’m looking out for you.”

“You’re gonna stand there with a hundred-something bodies on you and tell me I’m not fit for duty?” The words stung as Bobby listened to Eddie throw his past right back into his face, and he nearly felt ill as he thought of Marcy, BJ, and Brookie, three of the hundreds of bodies in that pileup that died in that fire that he’d caused because he’d been too drunk and high to think rationally.

Still, he stood there and took it even as Eddie angrily told him to go to hell. He would be Eddie’s verbal punching bag for as long as he needed to be; he knew that for Eddie, his traumas from war came with PTSD, and that PTSD came out in bursts of anger, that this was just Eddie’s anxiety and panic talking, that he truly didn’t feel that way, but that didn’t make it hurt any less as Bobby listened to Eddie leave his home in anger. It reminded him so much of how he’d hurt Buck after Buck got put on the blood thinners, and Bobby had convinced himself that he’d been protecting Buck because he didn’t want to lose another son.

He knew that this was entirely different. The situation with Buck had been him being overprotective and holding on too tightly out of fear. With Eddie, however, it was very different; this was about Eddie’s mental health, not his physical health; Eddie needed to heal mentally from whatever it was that was plaguing him, and Bobby knew that a large part of that had to do with the loss of Shannon, which Eddie still hadn’t fully gotten over yet, had tried so hard to get over by moving on with Ana, which only led to him further panicking as he feared committing, only to lose her, and it led to him losing Ana, a good woman who did not deserve such treatment.

As Eddie slammed the door behind him, Bobby silently prayed to St. Florian, the patron saint of firefighters, hoping that their patron saint would hear his prayers and, hopefully, Eddie would see the light, would see that he needed to take care of himself before he went back to being the firefighter he was supposed to be.

Buck watched Taylor as she worked on her laptop that morning. It was a morning when he had off from work and didn’t have to be in to report for his shift until the afternoon, a rarity for him. He made coffee while Taylor worked, trying to work up the nerve to tell her the truth about him kissing Tommy.

But no matter which way he worded it in his head, it sounded bad.

He poured himself a glass of water before approaching her, interrupting her typing. He was always so drawn to how focused she was when she worked, and as he went up to her, she smiled at him, showing that he had her full attention, that work could wait.

It was one of the many things that he really liked about her.

“Can we talk?” he asked, still trying to think of what to say, not wanting the panic to take over. He didn’t want to “Buck up” again, so to speak.

“Okay. Yeah,” said Taylor. “Just, um, give me one minute.”

“It’s, uh, it’s-it’s important.”

“Okay.” Taylor closed the laptop, and he knew he had her full attention now as she asked him whether everything was all right. “You look like you’re about to throw up,” she added gently.

Because I feel like I will, he thought, but didn’t voice out loud. “Uh… things have… have been great with us,” he stuttered nervously. “Or real-really great. Uh, this is easily the most functional relationship I-I’ve ever been in.”

“Well, careful with the sweet talk. It might go to my head.”

“I-I just… I-I want to say that I-I love you,” he said, which was the truth. He did love Taylor. Very much. “And-and I do, and I-I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.” Taylor looked at him with those piercing green eyes, and he found it harder to tell her what had happened with Tommy.

“Spit it out, Buckley,” she said, voice gentle, which made him feel worse.

“Uh…” Buck could feel his panic rise. Instead, he said, “I-I think-I think you should move in with me.”

Yeah, he “Bucked up.” Again.

Yeah, this was going to be a lot of fun to tell Hen when he saw her at work that afternoon when they took over for the B-shift.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5 – Home

Tommy knew that he was probably being very stupid, that he was overthinking it, that he was worrying for nothing. But part of him couldn’t help but have his reservations about this.

Sal had always been safe. Well, maybe not as safe as Hen; he had a big mouth, a hot head, an attitude, and no filter whatsoever. He just spoke whatever he was thinking and hid nothing. He’d always been like that from the time Tommy met him when he and his family lived in Oregon when he was seven years old, three years after his mother had died from breast cancer.

So, for Tommy, it was a shock for him to see his boyhood friend again when Sal joined the 118 a year before Hen joined. He supposed that Gerrard had liked Sal because Sal made his own inappropriate comments that could rival Gerrard; Sal was old-school, raised old-school, had a slanted worldview of what masculinity meant, and even though he and Sal had never served together, they’d both spent time in service to their country; they knew of the expectations.

That was why he stood at Sal’s doorstep with his heart in his throat; Sal had gotten off a seventy-two-hour shift, and Tommy had just gotten off the 118’s twenty-four-hour one. So, Sal insisted that he come by that night for a beer or two and join him and his family for some of Stefania’s homemade “Sunday gravy” and meatballs, even though it was not Sunday, it was Monday night, and Tommy supposed he could use it; he’d been pondering Hen’s advice, and decided he needed to man up.

Sal greeted him with a grin. “Hey, Kinard!” Sal grabbed him in a brotherly hug, and Tommy sighed as he heard his goddaughters running into the hallway.

“Zio Tommy!” screamed four-year-old Stella, pouncing on him and winding her arms around his leg while Serafina, the eldest at age seven, hugged him and pecked him on the cheek.

“Hey, my little Stella Bella!” Tommy grinned, lifting Stella up and tossing her into the air slightly, and she squealed in delight before he set her down on her feet.

“All right, girls, get back to your homework and then wash up for dinner,” Sal said, shooing the girls away before he corralled Tommy into the kitchen, where the spicy smell of gravy greeted him.

“Well, something smells great,” Tommy commented to Stefania, who turned around, showing her very pregnant belly that was concealed by her “Kiss the Cook” apron.

“I know it probably doesn’t compare to what you eat at Harbor Station,” said Stefania as she rolled the meatballs. “But this is my Nona’s recipe. And no, I still won’t give you the secret behind my family’s red sauce.”

“Actually, I’m not at Harbor at the moment,” Tommy said, sitting down.

“Wait, you’re not? Why?” Sal demanded.

Tommy sighed. He supposed that this was where he needed to start things. “I got suspended.”

“For what?” Stefania asked before she turned her attention back to making meatballs.

“I’m surprised you didn’t hear, Sal.”

“Oh, I heard; something about you spitting in that dinosaur’s face who refused to cut those victims out of the car just because they liked dick.” Sal grabbed a beer out of the fridge and passed it to Tommy.

Tommy glowered at him. “Do you have to make it vulgar?”

“Sorry, man.” Sal threw his hands up in surrender. “Didn’t realize you were so sensitive all of a sudden.”

“It’s a lot more than that,” said Tommy, feeling the heat creep up into his face as he breeched into the next topic, the one he’d been dreading needing to discuss with Sal at all, but knew that he needed to if he were to have an honest relationship with Sal’s family, especially since Serafina would be receiving her first Holy Communion soon, and he would have to be there since he was the godfather; they were pretty much the only family that he had left right now, apart from Drew and Katie, and even then, his phone conversations with his older brother and sister were once every other week because of his demanding schedule.

“You see… d’you remember when I told you I broke up with Abby?”

“Yeah, I thought you were an idiot for that, by the way; from the pictures you showed me, she was a total fox. I’m shocked you never invited her to come by the firehouse.”

“I know.” Tommy was inclined to agree. Hurting Abby was one of the dumbest things he’d ever done in his life. “And I really loved her and cared for her… just… not in the way that I should… in fact, um… I don’t love any woman the way that I should…” His face went redder as he glanced down at his hands.

“So you’re gay, is what you’re saying? So you really are a Team Jacob kind of guy?” Sal demanded, and Tommy could hear the shock in his friend’s voice. Still, Sal cut straight to the point, blunt and honest.

“You’re never gonna let that joke grow old, are you?” Tommy opened his beer bottle and sipped it as Stefania sat down across from him.

“No. Never,” Sal said seriously. “Since when? Is this a new thing?”

“No. It’s not. I knew since I was fifteen. But until I broke up with Abby a few months before I transferred to Harbor, I never had the guts to say it.”

“And how come I’m the last one to know?” Sal sounded hurt, and Tommy winced; he didn’t realize how personally Sal would take it that he’d never said anything about his sexuality. He guessed that he had underestimated Sal’s loyalty to him.

“You never gave the impression that you’d be okay with it!” Tommy glanced up and saw the hurt on Sal’s face.

“Dude, are you kidding me? I worked with Hen almost as long as you did! I hung out with her all the time! I went to her wedding! What do you mean, I wouldn’t have been okay with you being gay, man?”

“After you had the girls, I thought you wouldn’t want them exposed to anything like that, especially after you named me the godfather. And I know you’d want me to be Salvator Jr.’s godfather when he’s born; it made me think if I said it, you wouldn’t feel comfortable with your son having… a gay man as his godfather… I mean, I’m not even sure the Church would approve it, either.”

Sal rolled his eyes and sipped his beer before saying, “Then you must be an idiot.” Tommy knew that that was Sal’s way of saying, “I love you.”

“So, it’s not… weird?” Tommy asked through the tightness in his throat.

“No, absolutely not,” Sal said seriously. “This doesn’t change a thing between us. And I’m not ashamed that you’re the girls’ godfather, or that Sal Jr. will have you for a godfather. There is nobody I trust with my children more than you, so, if the Church wants to fight me on you being the godfather to my son because of some idiotic prejudice, I’ll have it reflected in my will that should anything happen to me and Stef, you get the babies; besides, it’s not the Catholic Church’s business what goes on in your personal life, either. And honestly… after Bobby had me transferred, it made me deflate my fat head; having Serafina may have jumpstarted it, but Bobby made me see what I was, and I may have hated him at first, but I see now why he did what he did, and I respect it.”

“You are family, Tommy,” Stefania said firmly, taking his hand in hers gently before she turned back to cooking dinner. “You being gay will never change that. Ever.”

A feeling of warmth flooded Tommy, along with relief. Sitting there in the middle of Sal and Stefania’s kitchen, he suddenly didn’t know what he’d been so afraid of. Part of him knew that Sal was right; Sal wouldn’t have had a problem with him being gay because Sal, as far as Tommy knew, had been more than okay with Hen once he’d gotten to know her and had even hung out with her outside of work; perhaps Tommy had created the fear for himself by convincing himself that Sal would mind it, because sensitivity was not one of Sal’s best traits at all.

But hearing the declaration from Sal and Stefania made all that fear and anxiety melt away. He never should have doubted Sal.

“Good, I’m glad… I’m actually back with the 118 for the duration of my grounding,” Tommy said.

“You mean Harbor cut your wings off for spitting on that Neanderthal? That’s low, man.” Sal let out a low whistle, shaking his head in disgust.

“I understand why,” Tommy said. “Doesn’t make it any easier, though.”

“So, you went crawling back to Bobby and the 118. How’re Howie and Hen?”

“Well, Howie’s not there right now. He left.”

“He left? Why?”

“Long story; I haven’t even gotten the full story yet.”

“So, what else happened?”

“After that rescue on the highway—”

“Wait, that was you out there? That was badass.”

“Let me finish,” Tommy said sternly, sipping his beer again. “Like I was saying, after that rescue, I went out with the 118, and, well… have you heard of Evan Buckley?”

“Yeah. Ran into him in passing after Howie got that rebar jammed through his head,” Sal commented. “From what I heard, when he was younger, he was a real pain in the ass, but the kid’s got a heart of gold. He’s like an annoying golden Retriever you can’t get rid of, no matter how hard you try.”

“Yeah… I may or may not have kissed him.”

Sal looked shocked; Tommy was surprised that Sal was more shocked at the fact that he’d kissed Evan Buckley, not the fact that he was gay. “You kissed Evan Buckley? Does he lean that way?”

“I don’t know.”

“Kinard!” Sal groaned. “Can I slap you? What were you thinking? Buckley’s dating that reporter Taylor Kelly! And he’s way too frigging young for you!”

“He’s seven years younger than me,” Tommy said evenly.

“Doesn’t matter! You just put him in the worst possible place, dude!”

“I know!” Tommy groaned. “Okay? I know! I screwed up there. And he kissed me back… I’m sure he kissed me back. I mean, we were drunk when we did it, but…”

Sal shook his head. “And do you feel inclined to kiss him again?”

“I kinda can’t stop thinking about him,” Tommy admitted.

Sal sighed. “But you’ve also gotta be careful, man. Either way, I’ve got your back, brother.”

“Thanks, man.”

“All right, but before we eat tonight, Serafina has something she wants to show you.” Sal rose from the table and walked out of the kitchen, returning moments later with Serafina, who wore what appeared to be a custom-made Communion gown, because Tommy didn’t remember seeing any of the girls in his Communion class wearing anything like that when he was seven years old: the dress was ivory, tinted hot pink on the bottom hemline on the dress which slowly faded up into a lighter pink along the tule skirt until it was completely ivory; the sleaves were lace, and interwoven into the lace were pale pink butterflies; the veil matched with the dress, had small, pink butterflies that strung through it, and around Serafina’s neck was the St. Florian necklace Tommy had gifted her when she’d gotten baptized; both his goddaughters had necklaces with medallions for the patron saint of firefighters.

Tommy felt his throat close up at the sight of his goddaughter in her Communion outfit. He knew, deep down, that Serafina had fought with her parents to let her incorporate the color pink somewhere in her dress, and that she had Sal wrapped around her finger because she was Daddy’s little girl. Sal was a sucker for his eldest daughter.

“What do you think, Zio Tommy? Is it too much pink?” Serafina asked.

Tommy shook his head, smiling as he felt his eyes cloud with unshed tears. “No. Not at all. You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Serafina said, smiling at him before she walked up to him and grabbed his hand.

Tommy had to swallow his tears back as he said, “Thank God for you, kid.” He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, glad that even though he was estranged from his father, he had two little nieces and a nephew on the way that he would adore for the rest of his life.

Buck opened the door to see his sister on the other side. While he’d known Maddie was coming home (she had called him, letting him know that she, Jee-Jee, and Chimney were on their way back), seeing her on the other side of his door, in the flesh, made it real.

He hadn’t realized just how much he missed his big sister. The last time she’d run, it led to them not speaking for the longest nine years of his life, and there had been a large, gaping hole where Maddie should have been; Doug had stolen her for nine, long years, and she’d run again, this time in a foggy cloud suffering from post-partum depression, feeling as though she’d failed as a mother.

Seeing her looking happy and healthy again lifted a tremendous weight off his chest as she said, “Hi,” to him.

“Hi,” he greeted, smiling so hard that he thought his face would break as he swooped down to hug his big sister. “Ahh! I can’t believe you’re home.” As he pulled away, he assessed her. Her eyes were bright and happy. The smile on her face was easy. She looked so much better than when he’d last seen her. “You, uh… you-you seem good,” he commented.

“I am, finally,” Maddie said.

“Uh, w-where’s Chim and Jee?”

Maddie fell silent at that, and she let herself further into the apartment, sitting at his kitchen island. Buck could sense that whatever needed to be said, it was heavy, and that it required her to sit down. He went to grab her a glass of water, and she said, “Jee is with Howie. Um… We’re taking a break.”

“What?” Buck demanded, feeling a little more pissed off at Chim; he couldn’t believe that Chimney, after assaulting him over his not saying where Maddie was, had given up on the relationship.

“We talked about it in the car ride here,” Maddie said. “There were lots of long hours in the car, just us and Jee. We realized just how much time had passed between us… that we both still need some time. So, we realized somewhere around St. Louis that it was over.”

“After everything you’ve been through?” Buck asked accusingly.

“We grew apart,” Maddie said. “Or, we grew while we were apart, I guess.”

“It kinda sounds like he’s punishing you for being sick,” Buck said, not wanting to believe it, but after Chimney had punched him in the face so hard that it nearly broke his zygomatic bone, he found it very hard to feel forgiving toward Chim.

“No, that’s not what’s going on,” Maddie insisted. “We made a mutual decision together that this is what’s best for Jee. So, no one is punishing anyone, okay? Don’t be mad at Chim.”

Buck sighed. While Chimney had spoken to him on the phone and apologized to him for hitting him, Buck didn’t know if things would ever fully be the same between him and Chimney. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to fully relax around the guy like he used to be able to.

“I mean, I do still owe him a punch to the face,” Buck said shrewdly.

“Please, don’t,” Maddie pleaded. “He feels bad that he hurt you.”

“Yeah, I gathered that from our phone call when he told me that he found you,” Buck said evenly. “I’m just not sure I’ll be able to trust him.”

“I get that,” Maddie said. “But when he gets back to work, please, just be civil with each other.”

“Yeah, about that…” Buck’s voice trailed off. “Bobby found a replacement for him while he was away.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Maddie shrugged as she sipped her water.

“Eddie filled in for a bit,” Buck said. “But sometime after Christmas, he transferred out. He’s working at the dispatch call center as a social media liaison.”

“Eddie quit?” Maddie demanded. “Why?”

“He’s going through some stuff,” Buck said, the words not feeling right. He couldn’t help thinking about the dinner he and Taylor had had with Eddie, how Eddie seemed so much more tired, how something was just off and Buck couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was, but it made him worry for his best friend’s mental state more than anything, that perhaps, Eddie was trying to pretend to be more okay than he actually was.

“That’s really all I can say,” Buck said. “That’s his piece to tell. And with Eddie gone, I got a new work partner; he used to work at the 118, but he’s been stationed out of the 217 for the past few years.”

Maddie nodded, sipping more water before saying, “Well, since Howie and I are no longer… living together, could I stay here until I find a place of my own again?”

“Yeah… about that… You’d probably have to ask Cap and Athena,” Buck said sheepishly. “Um… I may or may not be having Taylor move in.”

“You asked Taylor to move in with you?” Maddie demanded.

“She’s really been there for me while you’ve been away,” Buck shrugged. “And I like her… no… I love her; she’s smart, she’s fun, she’s…” Even as he listed the qualities that he liked about Taylor, he couldn’t help it as his thoughts drifted to Tommy and his damn perfect cleft chin and those baby blues that never failed to make him feel like mush, especially when Tommy said his name Evan and when he watched Tommy play games of fetch with Bear using a squeaky toy. But he wasn’t about to tell Maddie that part just yet about him “Bucking up” again. That would have to wait until he actually made sense of what he’d done. However, he was convinced that he’d never be able to because kissing Tommy while drunk had been so stupid.

“She was practically moved in to begin with,” Buck decided to say. “She was leaving her stuff here and staying most nights. It felt right to make it official.”

Maddie nodded. “Wow.”

Chimney heard the knock on his door. He’d just gotten Jee settled down for bed, glad that she’d fallen asleep fairly quickly. Even before he answered the door, he knew that it was Hen on the other side of that door, ready to welcome him back.

He opened the door, and Hen greeted him with one of her cackling laughs before they pulled each other into a tight embrace. “Welcome home!” she said warmly before she pulled away, smiling at him. “I have missed you.”

“Missed you, too,” Chimney told her, smiling, not at all having realized just how much he missed his best friend. “Want a beer?”

Hen nodded, and Chimney went to his fridge to grab them some craft beers as she asked, “Maddie not around?”

Chimney could feel the heaviness on his heart settle. While he knew that the breakup was mutual and done so that they could be apart for a little while longer, so that they could get to know each other again slowly, to know who they were as individuals in the relationship, that didn’t make it much easier to swallow, either.

He knew there was no other way to put it than, “We broke up,” as he sipped his beer.

“Why?” Hen asked him, concerned.

“On the drive back home, we realized in our time apart how much had changed. As we were apart, it always felt like it was outside forces. Ex-husbands. Pandemics. Started feeling the calls coming from inside the house,” he explained to Hen.

“It’s hard enough trying to keep a relationship together under the same roof. And not speaking to each other for six months,” said Hen sympathetically, knowing where he was coming from; she’d gone through the rough patch with Karen years back when Eva had nearly wrecked things between them. The time that Karen and Hen had spent apart from one another had only strengthened their relationship further, and Chimney could only hope that that would be the same result for him and Maddie, that by spending some time away from one another and getting to know who each other was outside of one another, they could both be better parents to Jee-Yun.

“But what about things with Buck?” asked Hen. “That bruise you left behind on him… it looked bad.”

“I already apologized to Buck,” Chimney said, though he knew that his apologies would need to go deeper beyond a cell phone conversation. He would have to set things right with Buck face-to-face before they got back to working together, and that part he was dreading. Still, he tried to fib his way through it. “Everything is fine between us. I’m ready to get back with the team.”

“Mmmh, yeah, the team’s configuration is just a little bit different,” Hen began slowly, and Chimney knew that this was where the bad news would settle in.

“Different how?”

“Well, for one thing… Bobby found someone to take your spot while you were gone.”

“Bobby replaced me?” Chimney demanded, not even disguising the fact that it hurt, but it also made sense on many levels. Hen couldn’t be left without a partner at work, and by his leaving, she’d been alone. That meant Eddie would have taken his roster spot, right? “Well, wait, isn’t that Eddie’s job?”

“Eddie needed some time away from the 118,” Hen said. “He’s going through a lot right now. I don’t know the full details; Buck knows more than I do. But because Eddie left, Tommy Kinard transferred from the 217.”

“Wait, Tommy’s back?” Chimney demanded excitedly, feeling elated that his and Hen’s old friend was back in the saddle at the 118; the old trio of Chimney, Hen, and Tommy was back, and after all the discomfort he’d gone through for the past six months being without a job and searching for Maddie, knowing that Tommy was with them even if it was just temporary made him feel a little better about returning and finding a familiar face at work.

“That he is,” Hen said with a smile. “I forgot how much I’ve missed him. But that’s where it gets interesting.”

“Interesting how?”

“Well, for starters… Tommy may or may not have kissed Buck,” Hen said. “And Buck may or may not have kissed him back.”

That was news to Chim. Granted, he’d never believed Tommy when he talked about the various “girlfriends” he had over the years, and Sal DeLuca had made that stupid joke teasing Tommy and insinuating that he was gay, but Chimney never once thought that that meant Tommy actually was gay. But it added up… all those times he grew uncomfortable when Sal would make one of his inappropriate comments, the times where he would seem to shrivel up and how his face would drop whenever Gerrard would make a prejudicial statement about a gay person joining the 118, how he’d looked so embarrassed and filled with shame when Hen made her loud and proud speech demanding that all those men who worked under Gerrard see her for exactly what she was: a black woman who was lesbian; Tommy had watched her with a look in his eyes that seemed so… humbled, that was the best way Chimney could put it, and Tommy had been one of the many members of the 118 who filed an anonymous report against Captain Gerrard on Hen’s behalf, and even though Chimney had never read Tommy’s letter since Tommy told him that he was keeping his identity concealed, Chimney could assume now that Gerrard must’ve known Tommy was gay or had been doing something to Tommy and had been holding that over Tommy’s head, and that was why Tommy had kept him at an arm’s length, because he did not want Chimney growing close to him and potentially finding out the ugly truth, whatever it was that was so horrible.

Still, it hurt knowing that even years after Gerrard had been gone, Tommy still hadn’t trusted him and Hen enough to tell them the truth about what he’d been going through.

“Wait, wait, wait… wait, Buck made out with Tommy?” Chimney demanded. “And… And Tommy’s gay? For how long? Was he always… Did he… Why didn't he tell us anything? I thought I was one of his best friends!”

“He wasn’t ready yet,” Hen said gently. “He hadn’t even told Sal, Chim. He needed to figure that part out for himself. That was part of why he transferred to Harbor. He couldn’t come out when he was just stuck in the place that had been like a prison to him for so many years, when we had Gerrard as captain.”

Chimney nodded, and he supposed that that made sense on some level. He remembered the early times with Tommy, how Tommy had pushed him away by saying that he didn’t think about him at all; they’d only gotten close after Chimney had saved his life, but even so, their friendship only existed on the surface; they’d only gotten a little closer after Gerrard was forced into retirement, and even then, Tommy had always been far closer to Sal DeLuca than he’d ever been with Chimney or Hen. It was always Tommy and Sal, and Chimney and Hen, at least until Sal transferred out, then Tommy joined their duo, and they became a trio, no matter how briefly it lasted, until Tommy went to Harbor Station.

“So, Tommy made out with Buck, which means Buck is bisexual?” Chimney asked, still unsure why it surprised him so much that Buck was bi.

“Yup,” said Hen.

At that, he couldn’t help grinning. He would be sure to rib Tommy about it when he got back to work. “You guys totally fell apart without me,” he commented before sipping his beer again.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6 – Monophobia – The Fear of Being Alone

The call to rescue a man from a shark diving tank was one that Tommy could do without.

Ever since he saw Jaws when he was nine years old, sharks scared the crap out of him. He didn’t even like seeing them on the other side of the glass at the aquarium.

He could only imagine how petrified the civilian had been trapped in that tank with the diving instructor. Apparently, the civilian had tried to crawl his way out of the tank, leading to the line snapping on the other end. The other diver got him out, but his condition was critical.

Tommy was glad that he didn’t have to go swimming with the sharks. While he was search-and-rescue certified and had done plenty of water rescue throughout his time with the 217, diving with those oceanic predators was not on his agenda today. And he would rather put that off for as long as he had to.

Bobby led the way to the boat, which was coming back to shore. “Okay, Buck, Tommy, help them tie off so they can port.”

Evan nearly walked in front of him, leading to them tripping over each other awkwardly. It had been this way ever since their kiss at the bar, with Evan seeming to trip over himself as he stumbled, trying to avoid Tommy, while Tommy painfully felt apologetic for putting Evan in such an awkward position to begin with. Yet, somehow, they kept working together, even if it wasn’t as seamless as Bobby hoped for.

“Ah! Sorry!” Evan apologized as they stepped toward the boat.  

“How deep was he before he came up? Over a hundred feet?” Bobby asked the captain.

“When the other divers took him up, he was only halfway,” the captain of the boat explained as Hen and Jonah knelt near the civilian, whose head was completely swollen up like a melon, blood vessels burst open, blood seeping from the man’s eyes, his nose… Tommy had to fight the urge to puke right there. If he weren’t so disciplined from his time in the Army, he probably would’ve gotten sick right there.

“Pulse is weak,” Jonah reported. “Severe barotrauma. Every blood vessel in his eye must’ve burst.”

“It was the mask,” Tommy commented, wincing. “It must’ve squeezed his head so tightly that as he came up out of the water, the change in pressure caused the blood vessels to burst open.”

“And how do you know that?” asked Evan as he secured the boat.

“I’ve done my share of search-and-rescue in the water,” Tommy said. “I’ve had to dive multiple times; during the tsunamic two years ago, I put on my share of diving equipment.”

Hen pulled the mask back, and Tommy could see the blood pouring from the man’s eardrums. “Ruptured eardrums. Shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Airway is patent, but breathing’s extremely shallow,” Jonah reported.

“Then that means one of his lungs is gone; it ruptured on the way up,” said Tommy, shaking his head as Hen pulled out the smelling salts, and Tommy knew that Horatio probably had temporary paralysis, too, and said so to Bobby.

“Buck, get him prepped for medevac,” Bobby demanded. “Tommy, call Harbor. We need air support immediately.”

“On it.” Tommy pressed down on his radio. “217, this is Firefighter Tommy Kinard with the 118; we need Air Operations down here immediately. We need medevac at San Pedro Marina. Victim is suffering from severe decompression sickness and possibly a punctured lung. Prep for hyperbaric oxygen treatment.”

“Roger that, Firefighter Kinard,” came the voice of Tommy’s previous partner from Harbor, Steve Maguire. “We’re transporting a trauma patient. We’ll circle back as soon as we unload. Fifteen minutes out.”

“Steve, this man doesn’t have fifteen minutes!” Tommy said. “He’ll be dead before he goes into the chamber!”

“Tommy, this is the best that I can do.”

Tommy shook his head and swore under his breath, but then Evan spoke up, saying, “We could build a chamber faster than waiting fifteen minutes.”

Tommy nodded, smiling at Evan. “Yeah, yeah, you’re probably right about that. All along here, there are fish markets. They’ve got walk-in freezer space; the air will be compressed enough.”

“But the problem is, even if we kill the power to the freezer, he’ll be hypothermic in ten minutes. So we’ll need to keep a steady flow of warm fluids going into him," said Hen. 

“We could run the fluids into him with the air,” said Evan.

“Then we’ll need a lot of oxygen tanks. So, let’s move, now!” Bobby demanded as they got the victim onto the gurney, and they transported him along the docks. Bobby ran ahead of them to inform the owner of the fish market that the freezer needed to be cleared out so that they could keep the victim inside until the pilots from Harbor arrived to airlift him. When they got to the fish market, Bobby immediately started calling out orders.

“Buck, kill the power to the freezer. Afterward, you and Tommy are going to run the oxygen lines into there.”

“I’ll stay with him,” said Jonah. “Take pressure readings and monitor his vitals.”

“Okay, Jonah, radio us if anything goes south,” said Hen as Jonah wheeled the man into the freezer. Bobby closed the door before going in with the drill, cutting an opening so that they could run the oxygen lines into the freezer, where they would also make sure that the warm saline ran. After Bobby sealed up the hole, he turned to Evan and Tommy.

“Buck, Tommy, run ‘em wide open.”

“You got it, Cap,” said Evan, and together, he and Tommy turned the valves on, ensuring that the fresh oxygen could make its way into the freezer, which compressed all of it inside.

“Okay, that’s ten minutes. How are we looking, Jonah?” Bobby said.

“Pressure equivalent to a hundred feet below,” Jonah reported.

“Excellent,” Bobby said in approval.

Tommy felt relieved as the victim’s vitals improved steadily, but even as Evan brought the fresh air tanks, they were still doing the awkward dance of trying to remain professional, while also trying to disguise the fact that they secretly wanted to kiss again… Or at least Tommy felt compelled to kiss Evan again, he wasn’t quite sure where Evan stood, but he felt terrible for the fact that Evan was in this awkward position to begin with because of him. He just hoped that once Howie came back to work, things could be smoother, that Tommy wouldn’t have to worry about the awkwardness anymore, because with Howie there, at least he’d have another one of his old friends to distract him.

By the time Harbor got there to airlift Horatio, the 118 was carrying boxes upon boxes of fresh fish; if there were one thing Tommy was sure of, they would not run out of options for dinner, and he made a mental note to drop off some flounder, crab, lobster, shrimp, mussels, clams, and scallops to Stefania so that she could make her seafood Pescatore with ricotta gnudi, which Tommy knew was Serafina and Stella’s favorite, and something Stefania never made often enough because Sal bitched about seafood being too expensive. Tommy also made a mental note to take home whatever salmon, bass, mackerel, and swordfish he could find and keep them inside his freezer.

After they assured the boat captain that the victim was going to be okay, Horatio actually said, “Sharks. Phobia.”

“So, you booked a shark encounter charter?” Tommy asked, exasperated. “Why would you do that?”

“Immersion therapy.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure it works like that,” Evan commented shrewdly.

“It doesn’t. Well, you know what they say,” Tommy said. “The only thing to fear is…”

“Crazy people,” Hen commented as they oversaw the transport of the victim. They all watched with relieved sighs as the 217 landed on the docks, and Tommy couldn’t help watching with a hint of envy as his teammates worked collaboratively to load the victim onto the chopper. Just a month ago, he was up there in the air with them; now he was on a suspension, being kept from being in the skies.

“You okay?” he heard Evan ask him.

“Just reminiscing is all,” Tommy said, unable to hide his jealousy as they walked back toward the ladder truck. He felt his hand accidentally brush against Evan’s, only for Evan to pull away slightly.

“We can’t.”

“I know.” He tried his best to hide how much it hurt that he couldn’t have Evan the way that he wanted as they walked back; he was suddenly glad that this was the last call for the afternoon until the B-shift relieved them.

“So, what are you afraid of?” Frank asked seriously, staring at him with those eyes that reflected pure concern, a glance that Eddie felt he received one time too many during these sessions.

Ever since he blew up at Bobby, he’d been told that he needed to go to mandated therapy sessions with Frank. Once again, he wasn’t sure if he and Frank were clicking. He wasn’t sure if therapy really was for him, even though many insisted that he needed it. Buck said it worked. So did Maddie. So did Chim. But with him, he was convinced that no amount of therapy could do anything, that perhaps he was just defective.

He remembered Buck talking about how the Buckleys used him for spare, defective parts.

Eddie was feeling pretty defective right about now. He couldn’t even pinpoint what it was that he was so afraid of, and it went beyond his commitment issues with Ana and his worries over Chris.

Still, it was a palpable fear that made his skin crawl.

He just looked at Frank in confusion, saying, “Pretty open-ended question, don’t you think? I mean, I don’t love going to the dentist.”

“I doubt the fear of having a cavity filled is why you blew up at Captain Nash the way you did,” Frank said simply, and Eddie once again had to fight his irritation.

“I apologized for that,” Eddie insisted, though it sounded weak, even to him. “I was upset. Shouldn’t have said what I said to him.” That much was evident. Bobby had reached out to Sue at dispatch and informed her about what had happened. As a result, Sue insisted that he attend therapy and wouldn’t be allowed back at dispatch until he did.

He did feel bad for what he’d said to Bobby, though, without question. He knew that throwing Bobby’s past mistakes in his face was a low blow, and he knew that Bobby was just trying to look out for his well-being like a dad, much more than his own father ever had. Bobby deserved better than what Eddie had said and done to him.

“So why did you?” Frank asked him, once again prodding, as though he were waiting for Eddie to explode in rage over his constant questions. But Eddie was just too tired to be angry. He was too tired to feel much of anything right now.

Silence followed between them until Frank finally asked about Chris.

“Good,” was all Eddie could say, because things were good with Chris. Chris was fine. Things were better now. That meant he should be able to go back to the 118 since Chris was okay now. He didn’t know what else he could possibly say. “Good. He had a rough patch over the holidays, but he’s doing better now.”

“Good,” said Frank. “I’m glad to hear that. I know how much you worry about him. His well-being.”

“Is that a bad thing now?”

“Not at all,” Frank said. “I just wonder if you worry about your own well-being. You’re a man who spends all his time managing other people’s pain. Army medic, firefighter, father. But not a lot of time facing your own.”

“An old drill sergeant of mine used to say that pain is nothing but weakness leaving the body.”

“You think pain is weakness?”

“It can be,” Eddie argued, thinking of all the times he’d had to be strong for his mother and his sisters because his father put that pressure on him to be the man of the house, how his father constantly left to go to work, and how Eddie had essentially followed in his dad’s footsteps and ruined his marriage with Shannon by going back to Afghanistan, leaving her with a special needs child while her mother was dying from cancer. She’d been all alone with little to no support system, growing more and more depressed as his parents did nothing but punish her over it repeatedly, thinking she was weak and pathetic when all she was doing was trying so hard, trying her very best to put on a happy face for Chris when inside, she was dying, missing him, needing him to be beside her. None of it was ever good enough in the eyes of his parents, who wanted to keep Christopher with them when Eddie told them that he was moving to Los Angeles. Yet, Eddie almost never spoke of that. He didn’t want to speak of how he still wasn’t quite sure he could forgive or move on from Shannon. He wasn’t quite sure he was ready to be committed to another dating relationship. Hell, he wasn’t sure he was worthy of having another girlfriend because he’d already failed at being a husband as well as a boyfriend before. Who was to say that he wouldn’t fail again?

It was too much for him to unpack in one session alone. He knew that he would need multiple. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to keep going.

“If you give in to it,” he added, firm in his belief that pain could be weakness.

“Can’t put all your feelings in a box, Eddie,” Frank said. At that, he threw his head back against the sofa, knowing what Frank was saying was true, but he just didn’t want to face it right now. “You might think if you’re strong enough that it’ll hold. But at some point, that box is gonna blow open.”

It already blew open when he screwed up everything with Ana. It blew open when he had his panic attack that put him in the hospital. How much more could burst out?

“And take me with it,” he said, having heard it enough to remember the drill.

“You and anyone else around you,” Frank said seriously.

“So, what do I do?” he asked, curious. “Sit here and download you on every bad thing that’s happened to me? Could be a while.”

Frank looked at him with those serious, sympathetic eyes that made him seem decades older. “Let’s take a shortcut,” he suggested. “Maybe you should talk about your pain with someone who shares it. Think about that first trauma. And then talk to someone who can understand exactly what you’ve been through.”

Except that he didn’t know that many people who did, other than those whom he’d served with in the Army. He wasn’t sure where any of them were. It hadn’t occurred to him to reach out to any of them.

It made him realize he’d put himself on this island. And now he had to swim away from it and head back to shore, to a place where he wasn’t alone. But he was uncertain whether or not he’d be able to do that.

When Chimney walked into the 118 the next afternoon, he was confronted with so many unfamiliar faces on the B and C-shift rosters that he didn’t know where he was. The fact that Bobby had to find so many replacements to fill the empty slots made him feel guilty that he’d left in the first place, but he had to find Maddie and bring her home, which he’d done. He had the peace of mind knowing that Maddie had Jee-Yun for the day and that Maddie would be spending the afternoon with Buck. At least she wouldn’t be alone, not for a second. But he was still scared for her.

He felt relieved when he saw Ravi there among the sea of B and C-shift firefighters, and he greeted Ravi with a grin. “A familiar face, finally!” He grabbed Ravi into a hug as Ravi welcomed him back, stating that they missed him.

“Of course, you did—so many new firefighters around here, I thought I walked into the wrong house,” Chimney said.

“Well, on the plus side, I’m no longer the new guy,” Ravi commented.

“They really do grow up so fast, don’t they?” Chimney said, looking at Ravi in pride as Hen appeared at the top of the mezzanine, smiling.

“Oh, look who decided to stop by. And just in time for lunch,” Hen said.

“Is it lunchtime?” Chimney asked. “Can’t wait to see what Cap’s cooking.” He raced up the stairs of the mezzanine, only to be greeted by an Australian shepherd, who snarled at him in discontent, baring his sharp teeth. “Since when did we get a dog?”

“He’s mine,” called Tommy Kinard. “I adopted him months ago. He’s my K9 partner.”

“And he loves Buck,” added Hen, nodding at the dog, and Chimney winced.

Yeah… if that dog loved Buck, that dog was going to sense that something wasn’t right between Chim and Buck, and the fact that the dog knew that already… even though he didn’t know what it was that was so wrong…

Chimney threw his hands up in surrender. “I’m going to make things right with Buck later today when I see him,” he said.

“Good,” said Tommy. “Because Bear… he can be a bit overprotective.” The dog snarled again at Chimney, and Tommy shook his head. “Bear, enough. You don’t get to growl at every new guy who comes in.” Turning to Chimney, Tommy walked up to him, smiling warmly. “Good to see you, Howie.”

“You too, Tommy.” Chimney grabbed his old friend in a firm hug; he wanted to talk to Tommy about what had happened with him and Buck, but it couldn’t be here, not with all these people around. It would have to be in confidence away from everyone else, because Tommy was out, but as far as Chimney could tell, Tommy didn’t volunteer it unless it was necessary, and Chimney suddenly felt a sinking sensation hit him as he thought back on his and Hen’s conversation from a night or so ago, when Hen had spilled the beans that Tommy had kissed Buck while drunk.

He and Tommy needed to have a conversation, one that started with both Chimney and Hen saying, “We were wrong.” And as he looked at Hen over Tommy’s shoulder, he knew that she was thinking the same thing.

Tommy pulled away, grinning at him, and Chimney saw that Tommy looked lighter, if that was the word. Tommy leaned back to examine him.

“I see you’re finally scarred,” Tommy commented, smirking. “Sal told me about that rebar being shoved through that pretty head of yours.”

“Of course, he would tell you that,” Chimney said, shaking his head as they went to the kitchen area to see what Bobby was cooking for lunch. Bear followed Tommy at his heels, wagging his tail in contentment, but when Chimney tried to reach his hand down so that the dog could sniff him, Bear bared his teeth again.

“He might have a reason not to like me if he likes Buck,” Chimney admitted, accepting that Bear was not happy to see him. “Buck and I didn’t leave on the best of terms when I left.”

Tommy nodded. “I gathered that. But what exactly happened?”

“I punched him in the face before I left his apartment; I was not in the right headspace, I was emotional and angry, and… and I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I just… I guess I exploded.”

“I know the feeling, man. But you two had better sort it out before you come back. If you choose to. Because I’ve gotta work with both of you and I don’t want to be in the middle,” Tommy said as they stopped in front of the kitchen counter, where they were greeted with the sight of hand-rolled sushi…

Not at all the thing that Bobby usually cooked for anyone on any given day.

“This is… not cooked,” Chimney said, surprised that Bobby had made sushi; Bobby had gone from “Bobby Flay” to “Bobby Morimoto” seemingly overnight.

“Do you want me to warm it up for you in the microwave? You’re saying no to my sushi?” Bobby asked, looking positively offended.

“I’m not saying, ‘No,’ I’m saying, ‘Why?’” Chimney said, confused.

“Yeah, but for the record,” Ravi commented, “I’m saying yes to whatever he doesn’t want, so…”

“And Bear can’t eat this,” Tommy said, gesturing to the sushi. “It’s raw. Bobby, you know he eats what I eat.”

“Never mind, I’ll cook something for you,” Bobby said, nodding at Bear, who glared up at the sushi in discontent. “I have got red snapper, flounder, how do you feel about tilapia?”

“How does anybody feel about tilapia, Cap?” Hen asked.  

“For Bear, it’s either salmon, cod, or sardines,” Tommy said. “Tuna and mackerel are toxic to dogs.”

“Okay, so what’s up with all the fish? You guys become pescatarians or something while I was gone?” asked Chimney.

“Nah, we had a call at a fish market the other day,” Tommy explained, going around the counter toward the fridge and pulling out a large piece of salmon.

“And they paid you in flounder?” Chimney asked.

“Well, then, how about this?” suggested Bobby. “How about a little seared salmon? Little ginger, little lemon, little garlic? What do you say? And how about for Bear here, the salmon plain with some steamed sweet potatoes, cooked oatmeal, some Brussels sprouts, maybe some peas and carrots in there?”

Bear seemed to nod his head in approval, and Tommy agreed. “Yeah, that works. And he’ll eat it later for dinner.”

“All right then,” said Bobby with a shrug.

“Tommy, while Cap’s cooking, there’s something Hen and I need to talk to you about,” Chimney said.

In Buck’s apartment, he fixed Maddie tea while she sat among the unpacked boxes, feeding Jee-Yun Cheerios cereal; Taylor had left to speak to the landlord, giving them some much-needed time together.

Looking at Jee-Jee, he saw that she’d gotten so big. He couldn’t believe that he missed her saying her first word, “Mama,” or that he missed so many other firsts, like her crawling and rolling over. He felt like he’d barely spent any time with her at all, and he knew that was in large part due to Maddie isolating herself after she quit working at dispatch. He didn’t blame her once, though; he could never blame his sister for running when she needed to get away and find peace. She’d run so many times, first with Doug, then away from Doug, and now, away so that she could finally be at a place where she could recover mentally.

“I don’t have a job,” Maddie went on to say. “I need to find an apartment. I used most of my savings when I left. And Chimney used most of his chasing me.”

“Well, I’m sorry about the whole apartment thing,” Buck told her. “If I had known…”

“What? If you had known that I was coming back, you wouldn’t have asked your girlfriend to move in with you?”

Buck couldn’t help the uncomfortable chuckle that bubbled out of his throat as she reached over to tickle Jee-Yun underneath her chin, and he grinned a little easier, seeing Jee-Jee respond well to the gesture. Even though he’d been separated from her for three months, it was nice to see that baby Jee-Yun still remembered her Uncle Buck.

“Buck?” Maddie asked, seeing that he was avoiding her question.

“Uh, yeah, uh, maybe,” he said; he laughed uncomfortably again at Maddie’s penetrating stare. She always had a way of being able to see through his very soul, even if she didn’t fully know what he was thinking, she could still see when something was wrong because she did raise him, after all. “Look, basically, I did a dumb thing. And I wasn’t sure how to tell Taylor, so instead I… I did an even dumber thing.”

“Asking her to move in?” asked Maddie as she fed Jee-Yun more Cheerios.

“Mmhmm, and listen, I-I do love her. You know, and she’s really been there for me with you guys gone, and I-I want to believe that I asked her for the right reasons.”

Maddie nodded in understanding. “But?”

“I can’t help but wonder if… maybe I was just scared of being left again.”

“We are a pair. The fugitive and the settler. I’m always running. And you’re…”

“Clinging,” Buck cut in, smiling sheepishly before adding, “I really did miss you.”

“I missed you, too,” Maddie assured him. But then she cut straight to the chase. “Okay, so you said that the second dumb thing you had done was asking Taylor to move in with you. What was the first?”

Buck swallowed hard, knowing that he needed to have this conversation with Maddie, and possibly reveal something about himself that he wasn’t even quite sure of just yet, but it had to be said because he needed to be honest with his sister.

“Okay,” he said, “we got a transfer from the 217; his name’s Tommy. He… I guess he would’ve been my partner had he not left. He was brought in to replace Eddie. And one night, after a call, we all went out drinking, and Tommy and I had a few, and… he may or may not have kissed me… and I possibly kissed him back…”

“Wait, wait, so you’re…?” Maddie started to ask, quirking an eyebrow.

“Um, I mean, no, I-I don’t know, really. I-I love women, I’ve always loved women, you know that,” Buck said, feeling his face grow hot as he felt himself having a repeat of the conversation he’d had with Hen the night that it happened.

“Okay, and how long have you been leaning in the other direction?” Maddie asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“I-I don’t know. I mean, I’ve checked out a hot guy’s ass before. And-And Hen said that it isn’t abnormal,” he stammered, his face growing so red that he was convinced his port wine mark on his eyebrow was concealed.

“She’s right. It’s not abnormal,” said Maddie.

“But with Tommy… I don’t know. I mean, he’s so confident. And he’s interesting. And he has a cleft, Maddie. A cleft!”

“Okay, and how do you feel about him?”

“I… I kinda can’t stop thinking about him.” Buck could feel himself smiling, but the smile melted away as he said, “But I shouldn’t be because I’m dating Taylor and she’s living with me and it’s not fair to her, and… Oh, God! I… I told Tommy that I need time, Maddie! What if I got his hopes up too high? What if I gave him a door that’s open to possibilities of us… You know…? But I… I didn’t wanna hurt him, either.” He buried his face in his hands, shaking his head. “But God, Maddie, you’ve gotta see him. He’s so hot. And he’s so cool. And I don’t know how to tell Taylor that he kissed me and I kissed him back!”

“Okay, okay, so… Honestly? You should tell her the truth. She’ll find out one way or another,” said Maddie, leaning a hand on his arm.

“But I don’t know how. How do you tell your girlfriend that?” He peered up from his hands at her, and he saw that Maddie looked as helplessly confused as he felt.

“I don’t know, Evan. I really don’t.”

“He calls me that, too, you know.”

“What?”

“He calls me ‘Evan,’” Buck said, feeling himself smiling all over again. “I like it when he does.” But then he groaned again. “Oh God! I’m so screwed! And I am very afraid of what this will mean for Taylor and me, and then she will break up with me, and then I will be alone.” 

Maddie just took his hand in hers. “You won’t be alone. I’m not leaving again. I promise.” She reached over with her other hand and held her pinky out, and Buck locked his own with hers. He would never be alone as long as he had his big sister. But that didn’t negate that his biggest fear was being left behind and forgotten forever.

Chapter Text

Chapter 7 – Autophobia – The Fear of Being Abandoned

“Please,” Tommy Kinard deadpanned as he stared at Hen and Howie, his tone numb. “I screwed up. Don’t rub it in.” But then he added quickly, “And you guys should never have spoken about it to each other!” He briefly glared at both of them, but it fell just as quickly as it came. He didn’t have it in him to be angry with either of them; he knew how tight Howie and Hen were; Howie and Hen went together like peanut butter and jelly, and how else was Hen supposed to explain to Howie that Evan Buckley made out with the new firefighter who replaced Eddie Diaz, especially since that new firefighter was none other than Tommy Kinard? Howie would’ve put it together, considering Tommy and Evan worked the same shift.

Howie threw his hands up in surrender, and Hen had the decency to look like she felt guilty over it. “We’re sorry,” Hen apologized. “I’m sorry. You’re right. We shouldn’t have ever discussed it. It should’ve been your story to tell.”

“And it doesn’t need to be told, because Evan has a girlfriend,” Tommy said, ignoring how badly it hurt to say it out loud. The words felt like poison in his mouth. “Even if he did feel that way about me, it can’t happen. I put him in a position where he cheated.”

“But Tommy, you should at least tell Cap,” said Hen. “Maybe he can have you swap places with Donato? You could be partnered with Ravi instead.”

“No,” Tommy said, shaking his head. “I can be professional at work. I… It won’t happen again. Not unless Evan wants it to, which I doubt he ever would.”  

Howie moved, sitting beside him, and Tommy noticed Howie had his hand right where his phone was in his jeans pocket, but didn’t comment. He knew Howie was just worried about Maddie, Evan’s sister, being alone with their infant daughter for the first time in a while.

“Tommy,” Howie began slowly, not an ounce of joking in his tone at all, showing he understood how serious this was, “look, I know Buck and I had our fight and all. And I’d done things that I regret. But at the end of the day, he’s like a little brother to me. That’s why I need to know… how do you feel about him?”

“I really can’t stop thinking about him.” Tommy felt a smile easing its way onto his face as he thought of Evan and his baby blues, how he seemed to be like the sun, so warm and beautiful and soft and caring, bringing nothing but good, seeming to light up the room with his laugh… God, his laugh, so contagious and full of life… Tommy had never met someone so full of energy before, an energy that was so infectious it made you smile no matter what, probably because Evan was always happy-go-lucky, smiling, optimistic, and saw the good in everyone.

Tommy smiled a little wider at the irony. He recalled Sal’s stupid “Team Jacob” joke he’d made in front of Hen when she first joined the 118; he said that Kristen Stewart wasn’t his type because she was too “brooding.” But in reality, she hadn’t been his type at all because she was a woman, and he liked men, and either way, Tommy couldn’t see himself dating the overly brooding type; he brooded enough for the entire universe.

“And I don’t know if we’ll ever get to have something,” Tommy said, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “I guess… I don’t know… I’m afraid I screwed it all up… I’m afraid that I’ll get hopeful, only to learn that Evan doesn’t feel that way, and that the kiss didn’t mean anything, and that it was all one big mistake in his eyes, that it was just something we did while drunk, and it’ll lead nowhere, and I’ll just be left. Again.”

“Has that happened often since you came out?” Hen inquired, moving to sit on his other side.

“More often than you think,” Tommy said bitterly, thinking about the last boyfriend he’d had, who’d gone with him on exactly five dates until he declared that he was “one hundred percent straight,” which had been a huge let-down for Tommy when he got the news that he was simply a failed experiment used to discover one’s true sexuality.

“Well, to be honest, Tommy,” said Hen, “Buck can’t stop thinking about you, either. That’s all I can say about that.”

Tommy nodded. “I’ll wait as long as I need to, Hen. I’ll wait until I get the answer, even if it isn’t what I’d want to hear.”

Hen grabbed his hand and squeezed gently. “Again, I apologize for speaking about you to Chim the other night.”

“Water under the bridge, Henrietta.” Tommy squeezed her hand back, and he turned his gaze to Chim, who glanced down at his phone again. “Let me guess? You’re scared about Maddie and the baby?”

Chimney nodded. “That’s an understatement.”

“She’s with Buck for the day,” Hen reminded Chim gently. “You know Buck would never let anything bad happen to her.”

“Logically, I know that,” said Howie. “But…”

“You’re a father,” Tommy told him. “If you weren’t scared for your baby and her mother, there would be something wrong with you.” It made him think of his own father, who’d shown little to no worry for any of his kids that often, focused more on being a drill sergeant than a parent, often comparing his kids’ successes to his own; Tommy didn’t know whether or not his father was dead, having not spoken to him since his dad had met Abby, which jump-started an engagement that turned out to be the biggest mistake in the universe.

“Thanks, Tommy,” said Howie with a heavy sigh.

Buck heard the knock on his door later that evening, and he tensed as he saw Chim standing there, having arrived to pick up Maddie and Jee.

It was the first time he’d seen Chimney physically since their last confrontation, when Chim punched him so hard in the eye that he thought he’d black out.

He knew Chim was sorry. He’d said as much over the phone. But coming face-to-face with Chim was something Buck did not think he was prepared for, considering how things had been since he’d last seen Chimney, when the older man had barged into his loft demanding whether he knew where Maddie was before punching him, angry that Buck had known about Maddie having left for eight days.

“She’s upstairs right now with Jee,” Buck told Chimney, trying to ignore how tense he sounded. “Jee spent most of the day crawling around; I think she wore us both out.”

Chimney nodded. “Babies would do that.” His voice was just as tense as Buck’s was, and Buck knew that Chimney was remembering their last encounter; he could see the shame on Chim’s face, but that didn’t make being in the same room as him any easier.

Buck nodded back, swallowing hard. Chim could hardly seem to look him in the face, and Buck felt tempted to punch Chimney for what he’d done before leaving. However, before Buck could clench his hand into a fist, Chimney opened his mouth first.

“I’m sorry for everything,” Chimney said. “There’s no excuse for what had happened before I left. I never should’ve hit you. And… And I know you didn’t know where Maddie was… I shouldn’t have expected you to know because she didn’t tell you, not that she would’ve either way.”

“I really had no clue,” Buck whispered. “I only got an inkling of where she was when she called me late one night; I heard a church bell in the distance and knew she had to be in Boston. But whenever I tried calling you, it went to your voicemail, and all I got was…”

“I apologize for that, too,” Chimney said sincerely, and Evan could hear in Chimney’s voice just how sorry he was.

Buck believed that Chim was sorry. That wasn’t the problem. The issue was whether or not he could fully trust Chim again after all that occurred. However, Buck knew from experience that holding onto anger made a person sick; he’d seen it with his own parents, how they held onto their anger and blamed him for the death of Daniel. Buck didn’t want to be mad at Chim anymore, but it was a matter of time healing the wounds that had been formed.

“I’m going to need time,” Buck decided to say.

“I understand. But the sooner we make up, the better. I can’t handle having Tommy’s dog snarl at me every time I come near him.” Chimney rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly before adding, “And that reminds me: I need to apologize about another thing. Hen and I got caught up, and she mentioned you made out with Tommy.”

Buck groaned; it was bad enough needing to tell Maddie that he’d kissed Tommy. Knowing Chimney knew too made it worse since Chim couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it. “Let’s not bring that up. Be glad Taylor’s not home yet.”

“Understood,” Chimney said, nodding, and Buck felt grateful that Chimney didn’t say anything further as Maddie suddenly descended the stairs of Buck’s mezzanine with Jee-Yun in the car seat, the baby bag strapped over her shoulder.

“Hey, how’s my girl?” Chimney asked, walking over to the car seat and picking Jee-Yun up, cradling her to his chest.

“She had a fun day with Mommy and Uncle Buck,” Buck assured Chimney. “I put on Bluey and we read her some books I bought for her the other day.”

“Sounds like a great time,” commented Chimney, bouncing Jee up and down a little before he turned back to Buck. “When do you go back on duty?”

“Bobby gave me until tomorrow off,” Buck said. “He said that he wanted me to have a personal day, especially after I told him about you and Maddie coming home and Taylor moving in.”

“Wait, Taylor’s moving in with you?” Chimney asked. “This doesn’t have anything to do with you kissing Tommy, right?”

Buck groaned, wishing that Chimney didn’t connect those dots. “It does.”

“And asking her to move in was your way of avoiding telling her the truth,” surmised Chimney. “Buck, you need to tell her. She deserves honesty.”

“And I will,” Buck said. “Tonight. I just… I need to find the right way to tell her. Because I do love her. And I want to believe that I asked her for the right reasons. But… But there’s a part of me that worries that once she finds out the truth, she’ll leave.”

Chimney nodded sympathetically. “If it makes you feel any better, Tommy feels bad about putting you in that position.”

“But part of me wonders whether or not I gave him too much hope,” Buck said weakly.

Maddie nodded before she reached over and hugged him firmly. “Then just give it time. Talk to Taylor. Be honest with her. Let her know that it won’t happen again.”

“I can’t make any promises that I won’t keep, Mads,” said Buck. “Because when I can’t stop thinking about Tommy, that’s a sure sign that something like that could and would happen again. It’s inevitable.”

“You don’t have to make promises,” Chimney insisted. “Just tell the truth, even if it hurts.”

It was much later that night that they finally got a call from the LAFD reporting loose spiders in someone’s home. Apparently, the owner was away on vacation, and the pet sitter got tangled up in tarantula webbing.

When Tommy, Lucy, Jonah, and Hen arrived on the scene, Tommy was shocked, to say the least, at the amount of webbing around the man’s unconscious form. It made him grateful he’d taken Bear with him. Even though this wasn’t a search and rescue mission, having Bear with him brought him a sense of calmness; Tommy wasn’t by any means an arachnophobe, but if he saw a whole cluster of spiders, he for sure would scream.

He looked over at Bobby and saw from the heat signature that the victim was still alive.

Tommy sighed in relief, clutching Bear’s leash a little tighter in his hand.

“Why’d you bring the dog?” Jonah asked him again for the umpteenth time.

“He keeps me calm,” Tommy said as he watched Hen start to cut the webbing.

“Lucy, stand by with the CO2 extinguisher. That should knock out whatever cold-blooded creatures that might’ve spun these webs,” Bobby said, a hint of fear in his voice as Hen went in with the scissors, and the minute she cut into them, a whole clutter of tarantulas came creeping and crawling out, and Tommy had to bite down on his tongue to keep himself from screaming like a little bitch; he considered himself a pretty brave person, but sharks and spiders he could do without, especially spiders.

He guessed Bobby felt the same way, because Bobby quickly dashed out of the bedroom and out of the house after announcing he thought they had it, especially after Lucy sprayed the spiders with CO2 and Bear began to bark like mad, snarling at the eight-legged critters.

“Did Cap just run away?” asked Lucy.

“More like a fast walk,” said Tommy. “Um… on that note, I’m gonna go check on him. Maybe Bear would… I don’t know… have a calming effect on Cap.” He shrugged and quickly left the room, watching in disgust as Bear picked up one of the tarantulas in his jowls, spat it on the floor, and began to play with it, poking it with his paw.

“Bear, stop playing with the spiders. I’m sure the owner would rather come home knowing that all of his pets are still alive,” Tommy said, tugging the dog by the leash and leading him out of the house to where Bobby was speaking with dispatch over the radio.

“Bobby, the homeowner forbade animal control from entering his house until he got back from vacation,” came a voice on the other end of the line. “He’s just glad that we found all his missing pets.”

“And he’s not the least bit concerned about the pet sitter,” Bobby said dryly. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, May. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Bobby. I’ll be over for breakfast tomorrow.”

Tommy listened as Bobby blew a kiss into the radio, and he had to smile. He was aware that Bobby and Sergeant Grant were now married and that Bobby had officially become a stepdad, and he seemed to fill the role quite well, from the looks of it.

“How’s being a stepfather treating you?” Tommy asked, watching as Bobby knelt down to scratch Bear behind the ears.

“May and Harry are great kids,” Bobby said as Hen exited the house, announcing that she would be leaving the clothes there for animal control. When Bobby informed her that he’d been speaking to dispatch, Hen quirked an eyebrow.

“Is that what you were doing out here, Cap? Talking to dispatch? Nothing to do with the undiagnosed arachnophobia?”

Bobby shook his head in denial. “Come on, Hen.” But before they could take the conversation further, they heard Jonah’s startled voice yelling that the patient was in cardiac arrest.

“What?” Hen demanded. “What happened? He was just stable.”

“Pressure’s bottoming out,” Jonah explained. “Might be a reaction to the steroids.”

“Wouldn’t that increase the pressure, though?” asked Tommy, completely confused; even though he had very little medical knowledge, he knew enough that steroids for this kind of allergic reaction should increase blood pressure and cause the heart to beat; there was no reason why the patient should be dying now.

“Yes, but unless he was on some sort of prescription meds,” said Jonah as he strapped the oxygen mask over the victim before he moved to shock the young man with the paddles attached to the heart monitor. “Clear!” They watched as the victim’s body jumped off the gurney slightly, and his heartbeat, luckily, returned to normal. Tommy released a breath of relief, but before he could return to the truck, Bear unexpectedly broke free from his grip, and he sank his teeth deep into Jonah’s ankle.

“OW!” Jonah yelled, trying to shake Bear off. “Tommy, get your mutt off of me!”

“Bear! Stop!” Tommy barked, grabbing Bear by the collar and yanking him back. He gripped Bear tightly and placed his hand underneath the dog’s jaw, glowering at him. He could hardly believe it. Bear made it well-known when he disliked someone, but Tommy had never seen the dog bite anyone before, ever. “You don’t do that! Bad boy!” Turning to Jonah, he said, “You okay, man? I’m sorry. I should’ve had a better handle on him.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jonah said, raising his pant leg to examine the damage. There were several deep bite marks from Bear’s teeth; otherwise, there was no permanent damage.

“Well, good thing Bear is up to date on all his shots,” said Tommy, shaking his head before grabbing the dog’s leash and leading him to the ladder truck. “I cannot take you anywhere, can I?” he scolded the dog, and Bear whimpered in fear, letting out a sharp cry; he didn’t take well to others being angry at him. Tommy knew part of that came from his PTSD after having lost his original handler and also spending so many years in the police force. Tommy watched as the dog started to shake, and he instantly felt guilty as he knelt down to take the dog into his arms, kissing Bear on the top of the head. He knew that this only confused the dog, going from yelling at him to holding and kissing him, but Tommy was a sucker. He couldn’t bear to see Bear so afraid; he’d witnessed the dog have several panic attacks and nightmares ever since Bear moved in, and Tommy made it a point not to raise his voice too much or be too harsh.

His guilt settled in even more as he noticed tear marks near Bear’s eyes, and he knew that the dog was crying. It only resorted to him tightening his arms around Bear further, pressing several more kisses into the dog’s head.

“Shhh, shhh, okay, baby,” he murmured into the dog’s fur. “I’m sorry. Daddy didn’t mean to yell at you. Okay? You just… You did something wrong… that was very wrong, okay, buddy? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m not leaving you, okay?” He kissed the dog’s head again as Bobby and Lucy came over, looking worried.

“Is he okay?” asked Lucy, ruffling her fingers through the dog’s fur.

“It’s part of his PTSD,” Tommy explained. “I think ever since he lost his original handler, he’s scared of disappointing me and being left again… like it was somehow his fault his handler died in that fire.”

Bobby knelt down next to the dog, patting his back, and Bear seemed to relax under Bobby’s touch, responding well to the kindness with which he was being petted. “I know the feeling, Bear. Believe me, I know.” Something about Bobby’s tone told Tommy that Bobby’s knowledge went even deeper, and although Tommy didn’t know much about Bobby’s past, he did know that he had never met Bobby’s first wife and children; he’d always wondered what had happened to them since Bobby was now married to Sergeant Grant and was the stepfather of her two kids.

Tommy sighed, kissing the dog again. “Okay, buddy, after we drop this guy off at the hospital, we’re going home. You and me. We’ll snuggle in my bed all night long.” He ruffled the dog’s fur and helped Bear climb into the ladder truck before he wandered over to Jonah, who’d finished loading the victim into the ambulance, but the bite marks that Bear had left behind looked really bad. Tommy could see where Bear’s teeth had embedded deeply into Jonah’s flesh, the bites glistening red. He reached for the first aid kit and pulled out disinfectant, bandages, and healing ointment.

“Let me,” he said to Jonah, kneeling down to get a look at the wound. He winced as he saw just how bloodied up Jonah’s ankle was; he knew that Bear was a former police K9, that his previous handler had been a bomb squad member, but Tommy underestimated how deeply Bear could bite when he had to, or when he felt he had to. “Damn. I’m sorry, man,” he apologized. “He’s never bitten anyone before. At least from what I’ve seen. He’s normally so gentle; yeah, he’s over-protective, but not vicious.”

“Guess he still hasn’t warmed up to me,” Jonah shrugged as Tommy cleaned the bite marks with the disinfectant before slathering the antibiotic ointment onto the wound. Finally, he placed some padding onto it before securing it with gauze and medical tape.

“I recommend cleaning that out with hydrogen peroxide later, but not while it’s still bleeding. That could cause the good skin cells to die,” Tommy advised expertly, having sewn up plenty of his own wounds when he served.

“You were in the Army before, right?” asked Jonah.

“As a pilot,” Tommy said. “I served two tours and was stationed in Kentucky for a bit before I joined the LAFD at age twenty-one.”

Jonah nodded in approval. “You’ve got skills, Kinard. And you’ve got a way with that dog.”

“I helped train several K9s when I served. I had a K9 partner during my first tour in Afghanistan,” Tommy said, feeling his throat close up at the mention of Kevlar; he didn’t bring up his former K9 partner all that often, but when he did, the regret settled in. Maybe if he’d done more, Kevlar could’ve still been there. “He died during one of my first missions. Ever since then, I had been hesitant to get another dog; I didn’t want to grow close to another one. But then I saw Bear all alone in that fire, and I knew I couldn’t just leave him there with no one; he’d already lost his handler, and I didn’t want him to become a shelter dog.”

Jonah nodded along, a small smile on his face. “Well, for what it’s worth, he seems to love you.”

“I sure hope he does,” Tommy said as he got up from the ground. “He’s a great dog.” Even as he walked away from Jonah, Tommy felt an odd sensation settle in his gut. Bear wasn’t one to just attack for no reason; the dog had instincts, instincts that came from years of training by a bomb squad officer, and those instincts were what signaled Bear to know when somebody was no good. Tommy wanted to chalk it up to Bear’s paranoia and not being all that trusting of others just yet, but that didn’t make sense; Bear liked everyone Tommy worked with at Harbor Station, even the firefighters who weren’t dog people. He was friendly and sociable; sure, he might have growled at Howie due to the tension between Evan and Howie, but Tommy was willing to bet that once Bear saw Howie and Evan getting along better, Bear would ease up on Chimney.

But Jonah, on the other hand… something about him was just… off. Logically, Tommy knew that the steroids never should’ve caused the victim to bottom out and go into cardiac arrest. Sure, there was a possibility that the victim was on medications that could’ve been affected by the steroids. Still, there was that tiny bit of doubt in the back of Tommy’s mind as he went back to the ladder truck and sat beside Bear in the back seat, stroking the dog’s head as Bear lay down on his lap, still whimpering with unease.

“It’s okay,” he murmured to the dog. “It’s okay now.”

Meanwhile, Buck sat at his kitchen island, taking out Chinese takeout containers while Taylor looked for utensils. The whole time Taylor had been out getting dinner, Buck thought about what Chimney and Maddie said earlier, about how he should just spill the truth to Taylor about the kiss between him and Tommy. However, each time he rehearsed what he would say, it fell flat because there was no good way to say it at all.

He was distracted from his thoughts when Taylor mentioned how they should have twenty forks between the two of them, asking why she couldn’t find a single one.

“Um, maybe they’re in the dishwasher,” Buck said, trying to sound nonchalant as he pulled out more to-go containers.

Taylor shook her head, saying, “Just tell me that there are chopsticks in that bag.”

Finally, Buck couldn’t take the silence much longer, couldn’t stand the lies and secrets. He felt like he’d throw up, but he needed to say the uncomfortable truth before his guilt consumed him. “Um, Taylor,” he started to say, until finally, he blurted out, “I kissed someone.”

Taylor just looked at him, her green eyes piercing as she asked, “What?”

“I… It wasn’t even another woman. It was a… it was a guy,” Buck said numbly, and he watched as Taylor’s expression turned to one of disbelief. “He… He kissed me, and I kissed him back. And… And then I realized what a mistake I was making, and I stopped it. Look, I… I’m really sorry.”

At the sound of Taylor not saying anything, Buck continued with his apology, lacing as much sincerity and remorse into his tone as possible. “I’m really, really sorry. It didn’t mean anything. I… I was drunk and stupid.”

Taylor just looked at him, the hurt flashing in her eyes as she asked him one word. “When?”

“When what?” he asked.

“When were you drunk and stupid?” Taylor clarified.

“A few weeks ago,” Buck admitted. “We had that big save on the freeway, and went out to celebrate.”

“That is a day before you asked me to move in,” said Taylor, shaking her head. “Was that why you asked me to move in?”

“No,” Buck insisted. “Not entirely.”

“Not entirely,” Taylor repeated, looking at him in exasperation before she made her way to the door.

“Where-Where are you going?” Buck asked, stopping her.

“Oh, I have no idea,” said Taylor.

“Are you gonna come back?” Buck asked her.

“Of course,” Taylor said, sounding angry now, and Buck winced. “I have nowhere else to go. You made sure of that!”

Buck could only watch as she slammed the door behind her, and as he heard her footsteps echo down the hallway, he walked around his apartment until he was sitting on the couch, his crappy couch. He felt tempted to call Eddie up to come over for a beer, but perhaps alcohol wouldn’t be the best thing right now.

The crippling fear of being abandoned settled in as he stared blankly at the television in front of him. He knew that Taylor would be coming back, but he wasn’t quite sure whether it was to stay or pack up her things and leave him for good. If she did leave him, it would be completely justified.

He remembered Chim mentioning that Tommy felt bad about putting him in this awkward spot, and Buck knew then and there that he needed to talk to Tommy. He considered himself lucky that he had Tommy’s phone number programmed into his phone now since they were working together at the station, and they would be working together again tomorrow.

Feeling the residual nausea in his stomach, he selected Tommy’s number from his contacts and pressed the phone to his ear, listening as it rang until Tommy finally answered.

“Hi, Evan,” said Tommy, and Buck felt the nausea worsen; he wondered if this was what people meant when they said they felt butterflies.

“Hi,” Buck whispered. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“No, you’re not.”

Buck swallowed hard before saying, “I told my girlfriend about what we did… What I did…”

“And?”

“I don’t know if she’ll be moving out or staying,” Buck admitted, feeling his eyes burn tearfully. “And… And I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because I know you feel horrible about it all, but… But I don’t want… I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t want our working relationship to be affected by this, Tommy.”

Tommy hummed on the other end of the line before saying, “I can’t apologize enough for putting you in this spot, Evan. I never should’ve done what I did; I didn’t know you had someone, and I also don’t even know how you feel about me.”

“I don’t know how I feel about you yet either,” Buck told him, feeling his throat tighten considerably. “The truth is… I like you. A lot. And I want to get to know you more. But… But it can’t be now. Does that make sense?”

“It does.” Tommy’s voice was kind, and Buck was relieved that Tommy didn’t sound the least bit hurt, that he was so understanding of the whole thing, and after having hurt Taylor by telling her what happened, it made Buck feel a lot better knowing that, at the very least, he hadn’t hurt Tommy with the truth. “I’ll wait. I can be patient.”

“Thanks, Tommy.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Evan. Just let me know how it all works out. Not that we should start anything so soon either way. Because the last thing that I’d want is to make you uncomfortable or make you feel that you need to hide anything from the person you’re dating.”

Buck nodded even though Tommy couldn’t see the gesture; he could imagine that Tommy was nodding along as well, digesting the information. “I’ll see you at work.”

“See ya.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 8 – Phobophobia – The Fear of Being Afraid

The next day, the call involved a jumper.

Tommy had dealt with numerous jumpers during his time as a firefighter. And most times, they were the most uncomfortable calls he’d ever been on. He could recall one involving a gay teenager who decided life wasn’t worth living anymore. His parents had thrown him out, and Tommy had been the one to go up there to talk him down. But when the kid kept refusing to listen to his attempts at comfort, Gerrard told him to give up.

When Tommy refused to give up on that kid and ended up saving him, Gerrard scolded him. He put him on a two-week suspension with no pay, only to show up at his doorstep the following day, informing him that the “little fairy” ended up dying by overdosing on pills by the time Eli arrived on the scene, and that by saving him from jumping, Tommy had done the kid a disservice by not allowing him to put himself out of his misery.

That just gave Tommy another reason to stay hidden in the closet and push Howie away despite Howie’s attempts to gain his friendship. He couldn’t let Howie see that the poor kid’s suicide affected him as it did; the day after his suspension, he came back to the firehouse from that fire, and saw Howie still there, not leaving, not giving up. Tommy had snarked in that scornful tone, “You’re still here?” because he could not believe that Howie was sticking around despite the piss-poor treatment he’d received, and that only led to Tommy further distancing himself from Howie; he’d been scared to let someone as stubborn and loyal as Howie into his life, knowing Howie would see the part of him that he didn’t want him seeing. 

This situation, on the other hand, was entirely different. Or at least, he hoped that it would be. He hoped that this would not be another victim he’d fail at saving.

He, Evan, Lucy, and Ravi were paired together for the call, as Bobby felt that this one needed a heavier hand.

The woman who was about to jump was displaying a mental health decline. From where he stood with Lucy, watching with the binoculars, he saw the rash around the woman’s eyes. It looked chemical, and Tommy winced, shaking his head in alarm. He heard Bobby tell Athena that they couldn’t get the airbag underneath the woman because there was too much obstruction.

Hen stood next to him, watching worriedly. “Hen, you should see this,” he said, passing the binoculars to her. “You see anything near her eyes?”

“That doesn’t look good,” said Hen.

Athena came up beside them, saying, “She did douse herself with gasoline.”

“Gasoline wouldn’t do that,” Hen commented. “Not even an allergic reaction.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Tommy said before he switched on his radio. “Evan, Ravi, be careful. You’ll be too exposed up there. If she sees you coming, she will jump.”

“Yeah, I can see that, Tommy,” said Evan with a whisper.

Tommy and Hen turned to Athena. “Were there any other symptoms?”

“Mood swings, fits of anger. I mean, yelling at men twice her size at the grocery store,” said Athena. “Oh, and her voice changed.”

“Her voice?” asked Hen.

“Mmhmm. Yeah. Wasn’t raspy or hoarse before,” Athena commented. “But, you know, maybe that’s from all the yelling.”

“No, it’s gotta be from something else,” said Tommy. “I mean, look at the sores around her eyes and forehead. I’ve seen my share of skin diseases from my time serving, seen soldiers get Staph infections and other diseases after being exposed to harsh chemicals, and even seen civilians who suffered with things like psoriasis, but never around the eyes like that; that’s much more specific, and psoriasis and eczema don’t cause behavior like that, either.” Turning to Hen, he said, “Maybe she’ll listen to you. See if you can get her to look at you, maybe distract her long enough for Evan and Ravi to intervene.”

“On it, Tommy,” said Hen anxiously, passing the binoculars to him. But then she turned to him, saying, “On second thought, I want you up there with me.”

“Are you sure?” Tommy asked, not entirely trusting himself on this one; he remembered all the jumpers he’d failed at saving in the past, remembered Gerrard’s smug look whenever he failed…

“Tommy, I trust you,” said Hen, grabbing his hand and leading him toward the structure that would get them in closer view of the woman, who was teetering on the edge where the water tower was. Peering up, Tommy could get a better view of the sores around her eyes; the scaliness of it alone made it look like a psoriasis flare-up, but he knew it couldn't be that.

“Hi, Pauline,” Hen said. “Down here. My… My name’s Henrietta, but people call me Hen. This is my friend, Tommy.”

“I told everyone to stay away!” Pauline yelled angrily.

“We’re not moving. We just wanna talk, okay?” Tommy said. “Listen, I know that it seems helpless right now… that you wanna feel something, but this is not the way to go about it, okay? Um… can you tell Hen here when these symptoms first started? If you tell her, we can understand better, and we can help. I promise.”

“A few months ago,” Pauline answered. “I… It’s hard to remember.”

“Have you experienced any psychological symptoms, like visions or voices in your head?” Hen asked.

“No! No, not like that. I’m just… Just losing my mind.”

“I don’t think you are,” Tommy said. “Okay? Nobody here thinks you’re crazy. I… I know better than anyone what it feels like to think that… that nobody gets it… like you just wanna feel something other than the numbness; everyone feels that way at one point or another, but it does not have to go this way, Pauline. Hen here thinks she knows what’s wrong, okay?”

“Are you sure?” Pauline asked. “‘Cause I’m up here praying and hoping that my stomach would drop or the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up. But there’s nothing. I feel empty. If I operate out of fear, and it goes away, how am I supposed to operate?”

“I know. I know better than you think I do,” Tommy said. “I felt that way before I came out. Okay? I… I was with my fiancé for two years. We were planning a wedding; we were living together, but I was not happy. I was sick inside, convincing myself that all I was feeling would eventually go away, that if I pushed it down hard enough, I would be good enough. But I was empty. Every day. Until a good friend sat me down and told me that I deserved better and that I should never settle. And that friend of mine, he’s down there along with a bunch of other people who want to and can help. So… So before you do anything you’ll regret afterward, listen to Hen, please. Hen… can-can you tell her what you think is wrong?”

“Look at me, okay?” Hen said. “Look at me and Tommy down here. Pauline, the sores around your eyes a-and the change in your voice, I think it’s Urbach-Wiethe syndrome. It’s a disease that-that hardens parts of your body, like your vocal cords and your amygdala. That's- That’s the part of your brain that-that controls your-your fear response. It’s not your mind, Pauline. It’s your brain.”

“It’s the same thing,” Pauline rasped as Tommy watched Ravi and Evan creep up behind her slowly, and Tommy held his breath, hoping that Evan wouldn’t be too late. “I’m broken.”

“No, no, Pauline, no, you aren’t,” Tommy said anxiously. “Okay? You are not broken. You’re just… A little dented, maybe, but it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed. It’s all gonna be okay.”

“Maybe I’ll feel something on the way down,” Pauline suggested, and Tommy started to yell in protest as she dropped her cellphone to the ground below. But before Pauline could jump, Evan swooped in with the safety harness and pulled her back away from the edge.

Tommy sighed with relief. “Nice job, Evan,” he said into the radio, knowing Evan could hear him as he and Hen climbed down to meet them on the ground. Turning to Hen, he said, “Nice going there.”

“You were part of that, too. I couldn’t have done it without you,” Hen assured him with a smile as they watched Ravi and Evan get Pauline down from the structure and toward the ambulance.

As Hen tended to Pauline, Tommy turned to Evan, smiling weakly. “Nice work back there.”

“Give yourself some credit,” Evan said, grinning back. “You got her to listen.” But his voice dropped as he added, “How true was any of that?”

“All of it was true,” Tommy admitted. “Sometimes, they just need you to tell the truth.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.”

When Buck returned home from his shift later that afternoon, he came home to Taylor. She’d been there since late last night; he didn’t know when she returned home, but it had to have been when he’d been at work. The bed was cold and empty when he woke, and he couldn’t blame her if she did end up leaving, especially after he told her what he needed to tell her.

Seeing her sitting there among the unpacked boxes, he knew that this was the moment she’d leave, especially since he knew he could not make any promises that he and Tommy wouldn’t do something else again while either at work or outside of work. Still, that didn’t change the fact that he’d been feeling sick to his stomach the whole time throughout the day, knowing that he needed to return home to her after having wrecked the relationship.

“Hey,” Taylor greeted him when he walked in, looking solemn.

“Uh, hey,” Buck said, setting his work bag down. “You’re back. Are-are you back?”

“Well, I only had one change of clothes in my car,” Taylor reasoned.

“Tay,” Buck began, hoping that by starting with his nickname for her, it would soften her a little, “I-I’m so sorry.”

“Look, I don’t care that you kissed some random man in a bar. I’m not even sure I needed to know that,” Taylor said. “But you ask me to move in with you, and then tell me? I know you’re afraid of people leaving you, but this is…”

“You think I trapped you?” asked Buck, walking over to her and sitting on the sofa beside her.

“Am I wrong?” Taylor asked seriously.

Buck could barely look her in the eyes as he admitted that he wasn’t sure. But that was the truth. He couldn’t decide if he’d trapped Taylor into not leaving because he was afraid of being all alone and abandoned.

Taylor shrugged and said, “At least that’s honest.” But then she added, “How… Is this a new thing? You liking men?”

“I’ve always liked women, but… but I guess I like men, too,” Buck admitted, swallowing thickly. “I mean… Tommy… I’m not even sure how it happened, but when he kissed me, something just…” He felt his face turn red, and he could imagine his face was so red that his port wine stain was completely covered up. “It just happened. And it unlocked something that I guess I pushed down for a while, or I didn’t realize had always been there.”

“And? Do you feel anything for him?” Taylor asked.

Buck couldn’t look at her as he said, “I kinda can’t stop thinking about him.”

“And what about me?” Taylor looked hurt, but she also seemed to understand completely; she was smiling, albeit a little bitterly, yet her eyes held understanding as she detected the way Buck melted when he said he couldn't stop thinking about Tommy.

“I don’t think I can ever not think about you.” He turned to look at her seriously. “But… right now, I just don’t know, Tay. I don’t. I’m… I’m so confused by this whole thing, and the last thing that I wanted was for you to be in the middle of it all. Both you and Tommy deserve better than that. And… And I don’t think I can promise that whatever happened with Tommy and me won’t happen again because I see him every day, and the temptation is there, and it grows stronger every day.”

“Again, at least that’s honest,” Taylor said gently, taking his hand. “Look, I’m not leaving. Not completely. But I don’t think I can be here, in this space, Buck.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Buck said. “So… So what do you suggest? Should we take a break?”

“I think you’ve got a lot that you need to figure out for yourself,” said Taylor. “And until you do figure it all out, until you give me the word, I’m still here. Maybe not physically here in this place with you, but here until you make that decision. Because I won’t leave until you tell me to, until you tell me that whatever this is you’ve got happening is so strong that you can’t avoid it any longer. I wouldn’t want you to feel like you need to trap me, or yourself, into something that you cannot commit to. Because if you do that, we’ll both have resentment, wondering what else we could have had. I don’t want that for you. I want you to be happy.”

Buck nodded. “Thank you.” He leaned down and hugged her tightly, inhaling her scent, while also contemplating whether or not he should call Tommy to let him know what happened, because Tommy deserved the same truth. And while Taylor’s words stung, they also released the heavy weight that had been pressing down on his chest for the past few weeks as he exhaled.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

“I should go,” Taylor said, pulling away. “I’ll stay with a friend for a few days, but I will be back eventually. Okay?”

“Okay.” Buck nodded; she wasn’t leaving completely, but she wasn’t there, either. It was somewhere in the middle. For now, that would have to do. He could live with that until he fully decided what would be best. As he watched Taylor pack up some clothes for her few days away, he felt the heaviness settle upon his heart, especially when she walked out the door and kissed him on the cheek goodbye.

When the door closed behind her, Buck sank into one of the chairs at his kitchen island, reaching into his pocket for his phone. He scrolled through his contacts until he found Tommy’s number, and he selected it to text him.

Evan Buckley: Hey, can you come by? We need to talk.

Tommy Kinard: I’ll be over later; I’m at my goddaughter’s dance recital right now and then I’ve got dinner plans. What’s your address?

Buck texted Tommy his apartment number and sighed heavily, waiting for his new work partner to arrive.

When Chimney arrived home, he felt his fear spike when he saw the bathroom door open by a crack. The last time Maddie had been in the bathroom with Jee-Yun, it had not ended well, but as he inched closer to the door, he could hear Maddie singing.

“Itsy, Bitsy Spider” rang from her voice as he opened the door, and he could hear Jee-Yun babbling and giggling as Maddie sang to her, entertaining her with various bath toys.

He smiled a little more easily as he said, “Hey, it looks like you guys are having fun.”

“Yeah, we are,” Maddie giggled, showing Jee the toy, and Jee-Yun reached for it, giggling and saying, “Mama.”

“All right, Jee-Yun, how about a nice bath tonight?” Chimney asked, walking further into the bathroom and lifting her from the floor.

Jee babbled a little more, saying, “Mama.”

“How about we give her a bath together?” Maddie suggested, grinning.

Chimney nodded, grinning back. “Yeah, yeah, I think Jee would love that.” At least Maddie was getting better. She was improving day by day. It was the baby steps that mattered most. And right now, this was an even bigger step in the right direction toward her recovery. He couldn’t help feeling proud of her all the more for it.

Buck let Tommy inside his apartment, and when Tommy stepped in, he looked antsy, a word Buck never thought he’d use to describe Tommy Kinard. Not that he could blame Tommy in the least. Tommy looked around at the half-unpacked boxes in the apartment, eyes darting from the boxes holding things for the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom…

“Is your girlfriend here?” he asked.

Buck shook his head. “Um, no. We decided that it would be best if we… took a break. We’re not over just yet. But we’re not living together, either. We’re… We decided to meet in the middle until I figure some things out.”

“Good,” Tommy said, nodding. “That's- That’s good. I mean, not what led up to it. But, it’s good that you guys are taking some time.”

“I think I went into it so fast because she was practically living with me while Chim and my sister were gone, but we never once fully discussed it. Bobby… he was right about something a while ago.”

“He’s right about lots of things. But what was he right about?”

“That I never talk to the women I’m dating,” Buck admitted. “I throw myself into relationships with no idea how I’ve gotten there, and when things start to go wrong, I never know what to do or how to fix it or communicate through it because I’m afraid that if I share what I really feel… I’ll just be seen as selfish… exhausting…” His voice trailed off as those bitter words spat past his lips; although he’d mostly gotten over Eddie’s hurtful, stinging words from two years ago, the idea that people still found him exhausting still weighed on him heavily. “Me asking Taylor to move in… I was trapping both myself and her into something so that I wouldn’t have to be afraid of another loved one leaving,” Buck continued, his heavy truth that had been resting on his heart for the past couple of hours lifting as he accepted it, the truth that he’d asked Taylor to move in for the wrong reasons: because he’d panicked at the thought of being left behind again.

Tommy nodded, not an ounce of judgment in his eyes. “I can understand that. I’ve been there more than you think. I did that with my first serious relationship, Abby.”

“Wait? Abby?” Buck asked, confused.

“Yeah, Abby Clarke. She used to work at dispatch,” said Tommy. “Amazing hair. One of my biggest regrets was hurting her the way that I did.”

Buck swallowed hard, feeling his whole face heating up as he said, “Yeah… You see… I kinda dated her for a year.”

“Wait? You dated her, too?”

“Yeah.” Buck nodded, glancing up and seeing that Tommy looked shocked, to say the least. “I mean, she told me that she had an ex named Tommy who’d been her fiancé. But… But I didn’t know that that was you.”

Tommy nodded. “The night that I finally admitted to myself that I was gay was the night that I broke off the engagement.” He closed his eyes, looking ashamed. “She deserved far better than that. But I was just like you: I was in that relationship with absolutely zero clue how I ended up in it; it was a whirlwind, to be honest. And then… well… My dad ended up coming to visit me from New Jersey, and that was the last time I saw him in person. He showed up unannounced at my home, Abby was there, and after Dad left, I got scared, I panicked, I didn’t want to admit the truth about myself at all, and I ended up doing the really dumb thing that led to an engagement that lasted about three months.”

“And then what happened?” Buck asked.

“Before I broke up with Abby, Bobby sat me down in his office and told me about Harbor Station looking for a pilot. He asked me if I was happy, asked me about when the wedding would be, and I admitted that I loved Abby, just not in the way that I was supposed to. Bobby told me that he didn’t want to see me settle; he told me that I deserved to be one hundred percent happy.” Unshed tears glistened in Tommy’s eyes, and Buck wanted nothing more than to grab the older man’s hand in comfort, but he restrained himself. Buck held back from interrupting, though; he could tell that Tommy really needed to get this off his chest. “It was after midnight that very night that I ended things. I left her a letter, told her that I was gay, said I hoped the very best for her mom’s recovery, said that she deserved a man who could give her what she truly deserved, that she deserved better than half-truths and secrets, and I packed my bag and left in the middle of the night.” Tommy looked at him, as though he were expecting the judgment from Buck, but Buck only shook his head gently. Hearing it from Tommy’s perspective made that much more sense. And Buck could see what he and Tommy both had in common: They both had their fears of being alone and not finding the right person. “After that, I got to work getting recertified on my pilot’s license. Once I got my license to fly again, I put the paperwork in for Harbor Station, and I never looked back… well, I guess I kind of did, because here we are.” Tommy shrugged at the irony with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“Look, Tommy… I don’t know what I’m ready for yet,” Buck said. “I’m not sure when that would be; it could be tomorrow, it could be days or weeks from now. But whatever it is, whenever it does happen, if it ever will, I would want that something to be with you, if you’d still be able to, that is.”

Tommy nodded back thoughtfully, smiling gently. “You already know that I’m interested. But I’ll let you set the pace for this. I wouldn’t want you to rush this, Evan. And I would want it to be okay. So, until it is okay, I’ll be waiting. And if it isn’t, if it never will be, that’s okay, too.”

Buck nodded, smiling a little bit wider. “Thank you.” But before he could continue the conversation, he heard his cellphone ring. Reaching for the phone, he saw that Christopher’s number was flashing on the screen.

“Who’s calling you?” Tommy asked, looking down at his watch, noting that it was nearly nine o’clock at night.

“My godson,” Buck explained, picking up the phone and saying, “Hey, Chris.”

But all he heard on the other end was Christopher screaming for his father repeatedly, and Buck felt a sinking sensation hit him in his stomach as everything around him seemed to freeze.

“Chris?” he asked gently.

“Buck!” Christopher yelled. “Something’s wrong with Dad!”

Buck hung up, shoving his phone into his pocket before he grabbed his keys. “I need to get to Eddie’s.”

“Your previous work partner, right?” Tommy asked.

“Yeah,” said Buck. “He’s… He’s been off since the holidays. He’s been attending therapy sessions with Frank. But he doesn’t seem okay at all. He’s been getting worse. His son… my godson… he has CP, cerebral palsy. Do you remember that series of shootings with that sniper who was targeting firefighters last year?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” said Tommy, his voice filled with concern. “Was Eddie one of the ones who got shot?”

“Yeah,” said Buck. “After that happened, Eddie told me that he put in his will that if anything happens to him, I get legal custody of Christopher. For Chris to call me like this, it’s bad, Tommy. Really bad.”

“Do you want me to drive you?” Tommy offered.

“You don’t have to,” Buck insisted, not wanting Tommy to be involved; Eddie might take that as an overstep.

“Look, maybe I could help. If anyone knows anything about what your friend is going through, it’s me.”

Buck sighed nervously. He supposed Tommy had a point. Tommy served in the Army, just like Eddie. He, of all people, would know what Eddie was going through, and perhaps someone Eddie had something in common with could be good for Eddie; at least Eddie would see that he wasn’t alone.

“Okay, but I’m taking my Jeep. You follow. Because… Because I might need to spend the night there and drop Christopher off at school tomorrow.”

“That’s not a problem. I’ll go with you. We’re both on the same shift,” Tommy said.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Buck nodded. “Okay,” he said as he clutched his keys tightly in his hand, and he led Tommy out of his apartment to where his Jeep Wrangler was parked. He climbed into the driver’s seat and strapped in, watching as Tommy did the same on the passenger side. As they drove to Eddie’s house, Buck felt his heart pounding the entire time. When they pulled up in front of the house, Buck yanked his keys out of the ignition and didn’t even bother locking up the car behind him. He raced up the stairs of the house and unlocked it using the spare key Eddie had given him for emergencies, Tommy hot on his heels as they went into the hallway, where Christopher stood, looking terrified out of his mind, and that only increased Buck’s worry especially when he heard the sounds of something breaking and Eddie screaming, accompanied by loud, gasping sobs that seemed to rip through him.

“Chris?” Buck asked. “Hey, hey. Hey, buddy, you okay?”

“He won’t come out,” Christopher said emotionally. “I keep calling him, but he won’t answer.”

“Um, okay, you-you just wait here,” Buck whispered over all the yelling. “I’ve got my partner, Tommy, with me; we’re gonna go get him, okay?”

“Okay,” Christopher said, and Buck felt his heart breaking as he saw his godson was near tears. He rose from the floor and wandered to the bedroom door, knocking. “Hey, uh, Eddie, it’s me. Can I come in?” He tried the doorknob, only to feel that it was locked. He heard another loud yell shake the whole house, and he winced as he heard something break, probably the wall.

“Should we break the door down?” Tommy asked.

“Yeah. Eddie, you hear me? Stay away from the door.” Buck slammed his body against the door, feeling it come off the hinges, and when he entered, he saw Eddie smashing a baseball bat against his bedroom wall, furthering the hole that he’d already created. The lamp was already broken, along with several picture frames, and Buck winced as Tommy pushed past him.

“Eddie, Eddie, hey, man. My name’s Tommy. I’m with the 118 now. Listen, I know what this is, and I know how you feel, okay? I was in the Army, too, just like you. I can help you,” Tommy said, his voice soothing and gentle as he moved and wrapped his arms around Eddie tightly, pinning Eddie’s arms down at his sides, but what startled Buck the most was how Eddie didn’t seem to fight Tommy’s grasp as he let out deep, pain-filled sobs of despair that seemed to shake his whole frame.

“Hey, Eddie, hey, what’s going on?” Buck asked gently, walking over as Tommy settled Eddie onto the ground, his grasp around Eddie firm yet soothing, one arm wrapped tightly around Eddie’s chest while another was up near Eddie’s head, stroking his hair.

“They’re… They’re… They’re all dead!” Eddie sobbed out.

“Who- Who’s all dead?” Buck asked, concerned.

“E-Everybody that I saved,” Eddie choked out, and Buck knew whom Eddie was referring to: the people he rescued when that chopper went down, all the lives he’d rescued that earned him his silver star. “They’re all dead! They’re all dead. They’re all dead…”

“Hey, hey,” Tommy whispered. “Relax, it’s okay. You’re okay, man… Breathe, c’mon, breathe in for five seconds, hold it for five, breathe out for ten seconds.”

“I… I can’t!”

“Yes, you can,” Tommy said firmly. “There is air, so that means you can breathe. Come on, give me five things you can see. Tell me what you can see. Five things. Anything.”

“Um… the lamp, the holes in the wall… Buck… the bed… the door…”

“Four things you can feel,” Tommy said.

“You… my clothes… I- I don’t know… the baseball bat… the floor?”

“Good, that’s good,” Tommy coaxed. “Okay, three things you can hear?”

“The air conditioning, you… I don’t know what else!”

“Give me one more, come on.”

“My voice?”

“Good. Now, what are two things you can smell?”

“Wall plaster… cologne?”

“Now, one thing you can taste.”

“Salt.”

“Okay, okay, that’s good. That’s really good,” Tommy whispered, still keeping a firm arm around Eddie. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Evan’s gonna get Christopher to bed, all right? I’ll make tea.”

Eddie nodded, and Buck sighed with relief that Tommy seemed to know what he was doing. He went out into the hallway to find Christopher, who still looked terrified, but was otherwise unharmed.

“Is Dad okay?” Christopher asked worriedly.

“Not yet, but he will be. Okay? Tommy and I are gonna spend the night. We won’t let anything happen to him. If he’s not okay by tomorrow, we’ll… We’ll drive you to school before our shift starts; I’ll call Uncle Bobby and have him talk to Dad, yeah?”

Christopher nodded. “Okay.”

“Come on, buddy, let’s get you to bed, all right? Come on. There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Buck soothed, his instincts taking over as he wrapped an arm around Christopher and guided his godson to his bedroom. He sat Chris down on the bed and grabbed some pajamas, watching as Chris undressed and changed into his sleep clothes on his own before leaning back on the bed like a starfish, his arms and legs spread wide. Buck walked over and adjusted him, tucking him in gently before placing a soft kiss on his forehead. He then reached for one of Chris’s Harry Potter books, deciding that reading to Chris would be the thing that could settle him. He saw that Chris was on his reread of Order of the Phoenix, and that he was on chapter two.

Buck read the beginning of the second chapter until he saw Chris starting to settle down. Once he saw Chris relax fully, he set the book aside and kissed him on the top of the head again.

“I love you,” Buck whispered.

“Love you, Buck. Tell Dad that I hope he’s okay, please?” Christopher asked as Buck made his way out of the room.

“Okay, buddy, okay. We’re right out here,” Buck promised, closing the bedroom door behind him before walking into the dining area. Tommy was boiling water on the stovetop in the kitchen and had set mugs aside; Buck could see chamomile tea bags sitting in three of the mugs and another mug filled with hot chocolate powder. That was good. All four of them could use something warm.

“Is he okay?” Eddie asked numbly.

“I mean, he’s still scared out of his mind,” Buck said as he listened to the water boil on the stove. “He’s not the only one.”

Eddie was still crying, which was not surprising to Buck. The last time he’d seen Eddie this torn up, it had been after Shannon died. Buck also wasn’t surprised that Eddie had raged and taken a baseball bat to his bedroom; he knew that at one point, Eddie had done underground street fighting by means to blow off steam, and that had been the reason why he’d purchased his truck, from the money he earned from being in that fight club. He knew, to a certain level, that this was Eddie’s PTSD flaring up; Eddie may have pushed it down for years, but for Eddie, his PTSD came in the form of anger first, and then the tears. He was quicker to hit something or someone else than break down and cry. For him to cry like this, it had to be really bad, and Buck winced at the thought, remembering Eddie’s heart problems he’d experienced back in the fall.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie croaked out. “I didn’t mean to scare him. Just kind of… lost it.” He moved to sit down across from Buck at the dining table, and Buck could hear the whistling of the kettle. Tommy emerged from the kitchen with two mugs filled with tea; he set them down before going to deliver the hot chocolate to Christopher’s bedroom, and Buck could hear Tommy whispering something soothing to Christopher before Tommy emerged from the room, going into the kitchen to grab his own mug.

“Why?” was all Buck could ask as Tommy sat in one of the vacant chairs, the tea steaming from the mug.

“I was supposed to… reach out to some of the people that I served with. Part of my therapy.”

“Okay, uh… I didn’t know you still kept in touch with any of them.”

“Truth is, I didn’t,” Eddie admitted, looking down at his hands in shame. “I haven’t talked to any of them since I moved out here. I pulled four people out of that chopper alive. Chief died in country a couple years later. Rest of us made it home safe.”

“And what happened to the others?” Tommy asked gently.

Eddie’s eyes looked far away, like he was looking but not seeing. “Norwahl… died in a car crash. Binder OD’d, and Mills… shot herself last August,” he said, more tears rolling down his face. “I pulled them out. But I didn’t save them.”

“And that’s why you took a baseball bat to everything you own?” Buck asked.

“I’m afraid,” Eddie said hoarsely.

“Okay, okay, well, what are you afraid of?” asked Tommy, though he seemed to know the answer, because his blue eyes held deep concern for Eddie as he reached over and grabbed one of Eddie’s hands into his own, squeezing gently.

Eddie just looked at them in despair, his dark eyes haunted and tear-stained as he whispered, “That I’m never gonna feel normal again.”

Tommy nodded. “I get it, man. I do. I served in the Army when I was eighteen; I was in it for two years… two and a half if we’re being picky. You can’t just come home and be normal after seeing the things you saw.”

“And I wasn’t there when Chris was diagnosed,” Eddie whispered, his voice still hoarse. “I was in Afghanistan. And Shannon was all on her own. My parents were no help to her. Her mother got sick again. And I saved all those people… everyone was praising me, telling me I was a hero, meanwhile, Shannon got no credit at all, raising our son with almost no help while her mother was dying, and my parents didn’t even care enough to act like any of that mattered, never asked her what they could do to help her, only cared about acting like they were Chris’s parents…” He sniffled, burying his face in his hands. “Dammit!” he whimpered.

“Eddie,” Tommy whispered, his voice full of sympathy, “I get it. Okay? I know how it feels to think that even when you save someone, it’s never enough. But just because those four other people died, that doesn’t mean you didn’t save others. Can you think of anybody else you saved as a firefighter that’s still around?”

Eddie shook his head. “I… I can’t.”

Tommy and Buck both sighed, knowing that if they couldn’t get Eddie to remember any of the people he’d saved throughout his time as a firefighter, at least tonight, there wasn’t much they could do. Buck knew that he’d have to call Bobby tomorrow and tell him that Eddie needed an emergency session with Frank, and that Eddie might need more help than Frank could provide, that perhaps, Frank would have to recommend Eddie be admitted to a facility; Buck could remember that panic attack Eddie had before Ana’s family’s Christening of the baby, how he’d seen a cardiologist because it was thought to be a heart attack, and as he watched Eddie’s breath heave into harsh coughs, Buck reached over and grabbed Eddie’s other hand.

“Eds, you… You need to breathe. Remember, your heart,” Buck told him steadily.

Eddie shook his head.

“His heart?” Tommy asked.

“Almost seven months ago, he had a panic attack that was thought to be a heart attack,” Buck explained hastily.

Tommy nodded. “Eddie, we should get you lying down on the couch. You need some rest. Evan and I are staying the night; we’ll take care of everything else in the morning.”

“You don’t have to.”

“We want to. And I may not know you, but from what Bobby told me, you’re important, not just to Evan, but to him, too. You need to look out for yourself, too.”

Eddie sniffled again and surrendered, allowing them to haul him to his feet and lead him to the couch. Tommy set the mug of tea in front of him on the coffee table, and Eddie shook his head.

“There’s no shame in asking for help once in a while,” Buck said to him, wrapping an arm around his best friend’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry, you guys, I’m sorry!”

“Don’t be,” Tommy told him firmly. “There’s nothing to apologize for. This can all be fixed. But you need time. I’m here for as long as it needs fixing; that’s why Bobby brought me back to the 118, so that you could have that time.”

“We’ve got you,” Buck murmured. “We’ve got you, man.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 9 – Luck Part 1

“Is Dad okay?” Christopher asked for the umpteenth time that morning as Buck watched him get ready for school.

Eddie’s breakdown had scared the living hell out of all of them. After Buck and Tommy had gotten Eddie lying down on the couch, Eddie had almost instantly passed out. But his sleep had been far from peaceful. Tommy and Buck had each taken turns holding Eddie as he woke from nightmare after nightmare. But even so, Buck knew that Eddie’s PTSD flare-up was far from over; it was day two now. The other day’s rescue had been a woman who’d fallen off the side of a balcony (luckily, Lucy Donato, the new B-shift floater, had saved the woman just in time), and not even after that shift had finished, Chris had called Buck and Tommy to come and stay with him and Eddie again. Apparently, Chris was scared to be alone with his dad. And when Tommy and Buck arrived, it was to Chris sitting in the living room on the floor while Eddie was passed out on the sofa, face swollen from crying.

That was why Tommy and Buck had spent the night there once again. They’d taken Eddie’s bedroom; they cleaned up as much as they could in there, sweeping up broken glass and straightening out the lamp before they both took the bed and lay there together, and surprisingly enough, it didn’t feel the least bit awkward. They’d just lain there in the bed together, hands barely brushing, but their bodies had been pressed together in comforting warmth. Somehow, in the middle of the night, Chris had wormed his way into the bed with them, not wanting to sleep alone, but also not wanting to worry his father. Buck and Tommy didn’t hesitate to let Chris sleep with them; Tommy especially didn’t complain in the least bit, even hugging Chris closely to him and letting the boy snuggle into him, and Chris instantly seemed to take to Tommy, which Buck was relieved at. It had taken Chris some time to warm up to Taylor when he first started bringing her around.

Buck knew Eddie would need all the sleep that he could get. That was why, when Tommy told him that he wanted to help drop Chris off at school, Buck could hardly refuse the offer.

“He will be,” said Buck. “Uncle Bobby’s coming to see him and make sure of that. Tommy’s making us some breakfast; after we eat, you’re going to school.”

Christopher nodded as he pulled his shirt over his head, albeit backward, and Buck chuckled, going over and fixing Christopher’s shirt so that it was on the right way.

“Come on, let’s see what Tommy’s making.” Buck led the way out of Chris’s room, walking as quietly as they could into the dining area, where Tommy had already plated up what appeared to be bacon and blueberry pancakes.

Comfort food. The sort of thing both Chris and Eddie would need. Eddie would especially need it when he woke up, whatever time that would be.

They ate in silence, and Buck was surprised at how good the pancakes were; they were fluffy, tangy from buttermilk, and tender, filled with fresh blueberries. Clearly, Tommy had some lessons from Bobby, because the pancakes were close to Bobby’s. And the fact that Tommy had gotten up early enough just to make pancakes for Chris meant a lot.

Once they finished, they put the plates away and then left the house for Buck’s Jeep, with Buck going into the driver’s seat and Tommy going shotgun. As they pulled out of the spot, Buck saw Bobby’s truck pull into the driveway.

Bobby exited his truck and walked over to them, a tired smile on his face. “How is he?”

“We got him to go to sleep last night,” said Buck lowly, hoping Christopher would not hear what he was saying. “But he’s gonna need a lot more help than what Frank can provide, Bobby. It was bad.”

Bobby nodded in understanding before turning to Chris. “How’re you doing, Christopher?”

“Okay,” Chris said in return, shrugging.

“Okay, Buck, go on and get him to school. I’ll see you guys later tonight for the shift.”

“Thanks for doing this, Bobby,” said Buck as he started the engine, and they drove off toward Chris’s school.

Apparently, Tommy couldn’t take Christopher being so quiet, because he said, “So, Chris… Evan mentioned you’re getting into Star Wars?”

Christopher lit up at that. “Yeah!”

“Which one’s your favorite?”

“Revenge of the Sixth. I liked it a lot better than Return of the Jedi.”

“My man!” Tommy turned around and high-fived Christopher, and Buck had to fight the urge to gag. Tommy must have seen his expression, though, because he said, accusatively, “What?”

“Really, the prequels?” Buck demanded. “The prequels were the worst! Do you not have any taste?”

“I’ve got great taste, just so you know.”

“Okay, tell me your favorite movie right now.”

“Love, Actually,” Tommy said. “A British Christmas classic. And when you watch Die Hard immediately afterward, Alan Rickman gets punished for cheating on Emma Thompson.”

“And then they worked together at Hogwarts,” Chris said dryly.

Tommy barked out a laugh. “You got that right, kid!” Turning to Buck, he said, “What about you? Favorite movie?”

“I didn’t really grow up seeing a lot of them. Unless you count the one time that Maddie took me to see D3: The Mighty Ducks in theaters. She also had the first two on DVD. We would watch those constantly. But I also love She’s the Man.”

“Classic,” Tommy commented. “What about favorite shows?”

“Dawson’s Creek. Maddie would show it to me behind our parents’ backs. I also saw Degrassi quite a bit; again, another show I’d watch without my parents knowing.”  

“Why?” Chris asked.

“Not the most age-appropriate shows for a seven-year-old,” Buck said.

“Huge understatement,” Tommy commented, rolling his eyes. “And your sister would let you watch that?”

“She fast-forwarded through all the inappropriate scenes,” Buck defended. “How’s that any more inappropriate than an episode of All That?”

“All That was sneakier.”

“What about you? Favorite show?”

“MacGyver, 1985,” Tommy answered. “Or Magnum P.I., 1980. My brother and sister loved them both and passed them down to me.”

Buck hummed. “That makes sense. You’re old.”

“I’m only seven years older than you,” Tommy replied dryly.

“You two fight like an old married couple,” Christopher commented from the back seat.

Tommy and Buck both flushed deeply. Buck could see that Tommy was as red as he felt as they turned the corner and pulled up in front of Christopher’s school.

Tommy turned around, looking tempted to help lift Christopher out of the back seat of the car, but Buck held his hand out in dismissal. “No, Tommy, he wants to do it. He’s been working on it.” He watched in pride as his godson opened the car door and slowly stepped out before he grabbed his crutches, placing them in his hands before moving onto the curb with a large smile on his face, quite pleased with himself.

“Good job, buddy.” Buck got out of the driver’s seat and went around, grabbing Christopher’s book bag and placing it on his back. He also fished out a twenty-dollar bill. “Here. This should cover lunch as well as whatever you want from the vending machine.” He winked at Christopher and mussed up the boy’s hair. He knew Eddie would kill him if he learned that Chris had been eating junk food at lunchtime; Eddie was a health freak when it came to Chris’s lunches and insisted that Christopher either take packed lunches that Eddie or Carla would make, or, if he bought food, that it be a salad and if it were unhealthy, it be a slice of pizza at least, and that the pizza be a veggie slice (even though Chris ate his share of sugary cereals in the morning that were filled with enough artificial coloring to cause cancer later in life). The money Buck gave Chris would be enough to buy a burger and fries, along with a Pop-Tart and soda from the vending machines.

“Just don’t tell your dad that it came from me.”

“Okay,” Christopher promised.

“Get going, buddy. I’ll come pick you up later.”

He watched as Christopher hobbled off to his school, and although he knew Chris could get into school just fine, a part of Buck would always worry and want to watch him until he knew Chris was safely inside.

Once Chris passed the threshold of those doors, Buck went around to the driver’s side, and he caught Tommy smiling at him thoughtfully.

“What?” he asked.

“He’s a great kid,” Tommy said. “I like that he wants to do everything by himself. And you’re good with him.”

“Eddie seems to think so.”

“I can see why Eddie changed his will.” At that, Tommy’s expression sobered significantly before he added, “Last night wasn’t good.”

“I knew it wouldn’t be when Chris called me.” Buck rubbed his hand over his face. “God, I don’t know what to do.”

“Sometimes, just showing up when it matters counts for more than you think,” Tommy assured him. “Chris called for help. You showed up. Everyone needs that person they can count on.”

“Did you have anyone when you were with the 118?”

“I stayed alone for a year,” Tommy admitted. “Between the horrors of being overseas twice and the 118’s captain at the time, Gerrard, being so awful, I didn’t let anyone in. When Howie showed up, I was… Gerrard was turning me into him.” Tommy shuddered visibly, and Buck knew that this was excruciatingly difficult for Tommy to talk about, that it was a part of Tommy’s past that he wasn’t so proud of. “He was like the father I already had. Maybe worse. Because… Because he made me his ‘favorite.’ And being his favorite meant he treated you differently. He put you on the roster for daring rescues more often. But that came with expectations. He made it clear he could take it all away, demote you, suspend you if you didn’t comply with what he wanted; he demanded and expected perfection. But if you were a minority, and even if you did everything right to earn that place, Gerrard… he denied you the chance over, and over, and over; it was like… like he hoped that by icing you out, you’d be so hurt over it, you’d quit.”

“But what changed that for you?” Buck asked gently, not at all liking this Gerrard guy. The way Tommy talked about Gerrard was as though Gerrard were dead. Or maybe Tommy was hoping that Gerrard was six feet under somewhere. Either way, Buck was glad that he’d joined the 118 when Bobby was the captain, not when this Gerrard guy had been.

“Howie. He saved my life. And at the time, I wasn’t really looking to be saved.” Tommy’s eyes glazed with a sort of wetness, and Buck winced; that was the last thing he expected to hear from Tommy, who was so confident and cool. To think that at one point, he’d been suicidal... “But Howie never gave up,” Tommy continued, his voice wavering. “I was a dick to him, but he never stopped trying, and he showed me that he cared, even when I told him that I didn’t think about him at all.” Tommy spat those last words out bitterly like they were poison on his tongue.

Buck nodded, understanding. “I know. I mean… Bobby’s the father I never had. My dad may be alive, but he was barely my father. Because… Because he and Mom made me for spare parts. My only job was to save my older brother, who had leukemia. I didn’t do a very good job at it.”

“Damn.” Tommy shook his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“So, maybe we both have Daddy issues,” Buck commented, part dryly, part flirtatiously.

“God, I hope so.” Tommy turned and smiled at him, and Buck felt his heart skip a beat as he looked into Tommy’s eyes, at his lips, the temptation to kiss Tommy again surfacing even stronger. But he had to refrain from doing so as he put the car into drive. Even though he and Taylor had settled things peacefully and agreed that they were “taking a break” for however long they needed to, it didn’t feel right to feel the yearning to kiss Tommy again. But he really wanted to. Still, he couldn’t give Tommy false hope, either.

“I want to,” he vocalized to Tommy, keeping his eyes on the road. “But… we can’t. Not right now. Not unless…”

“Yeah, until it’s ‘over’ over for you and Taylor,” Tommy said gently. “I’ll wait. I promised I would.”

“I wouldn’t want to hurt you if it never happens, though,” Buck admitted.

“Hey.” Tommy leaned a hand onto his shoulder, causing Buck to look at him. “I can take it. You’d be worth it, Evan.”

“I don’t think I’m worth hurting over.” Buck turned his gaze back to the road.

“You are. And you never have to earn any attention from me, Evan. You’ve had it from the moment we met.”

Buck could feel himself starting to blush. He wasn’t used to someone saying he’d had their attention. For years, he’d had to beg his parents to pay attention to him. Now, he had Tommy’s full attention. And he didn’t quite know how to handle it.

Bobby had made coffee just for something to do. He also knew Eddie would need it whenever he woke up. Though he wasn’t quite sure whether caffeine would be best for Eddie, considering Eddie’s heart condition, something that a man of Eddie’s age should never have to deal with.

To be honest, Bobby needed it more than Eddie. When Buck had called him the previous night, saying that Eddie’s PTSD flare-up was worsening, Bobby immediately offered to come over while Buck and Tommy got Christopher off to school before the 118’s shift started that afternoon.

Just as he poured some coffee into Eddie’s favorite mug, he heard Eddie waking up with a loud gasp. He walked into the living room to see Eddie sitting up, a hand over his racing heart.

“Coffee?” asked Bobby as he walked in.

“What time is it? Where’s Christopher?” Eddie asked immediately.

“Buck and Tommy already took him to school. They figured you could use the sleep,” said Bobby, watching as Eddie rubbed his hands over his eyes and apologized. Even with the extra sleep, Eddie still looked exhausted. The dark circles under his eyes spoke of bone-deep exhaustion that no amount of sleep could help cure. Buck was right. Eddie needed help. More help than Frank could offer.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s all right,” Bobby told him, handing him the mug filled with black coffee. “We’ve got everything handled.”

Eddie took the mug with a deep sigh and a thanks, but even Bobby was convinced that no amount of caffeine would help. He watched as Eddie didn’t even bother sipping it, keeping his gaze down at the ground, and Bobby knew that Eddie still felt some unresolved shame after their encounter from a few weeks ago when Eddie told him to go to hell.

“After my family died, I had nightmares for a long time,” Bobby told him. “They say that it’s your mind’s way of working through the traumatic experience.”

“Kinda wish my mind would take a break for a minute,” Eddie said huskily.

“It won’t,” Bobby replied firmly, knowing that the words wouldn’t make Eddie feel better, but they were true. There was no getting around the truth. “Buck told me about your friends. I’m very sorry.”

“I can’t believe they’re all gone and I’m still here. Not sure why.”

“Yeah, that’s a question you’ll never be able to answer. Can chalk it up to the grand plan of some higher power, or just dumb luck. Either way, the result is the same. You are still here.”

“I’m not sure what to do with that.” It was the answer Bobby had given his fire chief back in Minnesota. He could remember his old chief’s words about how his punishment was that he lived, and that it was his choice what he did with the rest of his life now that he was alive and his family was not. His heart hurt for Eddie being in a similar position; Eddie had saved all those people, but he’d never bothered to keep in contact and see that they were all right, and as a result, all of them were dead.

Still, Bobby said to Eddie, “You find a way to heal.”

The next afternoon, they got off the twenty-four-hour shift, one call involving a man trapped inside a clothing and shoes donation bin, along with a man whose fingers got stuck in a bowling ball, Tommy decided to head to lunch with Donato, who was still on the B-shift as a floater. Except, when he arrived at the gastro pub, he saw Jonah sitting at his and Lucy’s table.

Tommy sighed. While he was glad that Jonah found another house to be in, meaning Bear was a lot more at ease knowing that Jonah wasn’t there anymore, he was also kind of glad to see the paramedic; he knew that in the recent weeks, Jonah and Lucy had begun to bond, and Tommy wasn’t about to take that away. Plus, Tommy felt that he still owed Jonah a big apology for Bear nearly tearing off his ankle, even though he did have some reservations about the guy—still, no one deserved to have a dog bite them as brutally as Bear had bitten Jonah.

“How’s that leg healing, Jonah?” he asked, sitting down as Lucy joined them, clutching a baseball glove in her hand.

“It’s been healing fine,” Jonah said. “Is your dog behaving now that I’m not around?”

“Don’t be so hard on Bear,” Tommy said. “He’s just… He’s picky about who he likes to be around. After he lost his old handler, he hasn’t trusted too many people.”

“But he likes everybody else at the 118. Hell, he even got Chimney liking him,” Jonah said defensively. “What did I do to make that dog hate me that much?”

“I really don’t know.” Tommy turned to Lucy, who placed the baseball glove down on the table. “New hobby?” he asked as the server came over with a pitcher of IPA, but Tommy pulled a face; IPA was a kind of beer he never quite developed a taste for. “Can I get a stout, please? And get a round of truffle fries, too.”

The server nodded as Lucy said, “I found it in my locker.”

Tommy looked at the glove and read the note. “‘Congrats on a great catch!’” he noted, humming slightly.

“Wow, sounds like you’re finally in with the clique,” Jonah commented. “They’re even giving you gifts now.”

“Am I in with them? Or are they just mocking me?” asked Lucy.

“Look, Lucy, I’ll say this,” Tommy said. “The 118 is a tight group. It takes them a bit to adjust to outsiders.”

“You’re one to talk, Kinard. They welcomed you back quickly.”

“You don’t think I’m still on the outside?” Tommy shot her a quizzical look. “I’m jealous of how they’ve become like a family. And yeah, they’re welcoming me back, but we weren’t like that when I was with them years ago. In fact, before Bobby was captain, the captain we had hardly bothered with making the team a family. Most of our team meals were him shooting dirty looks at anyone who wasn’t a straight, white male and yelling at us through Meatloaf Monday and Taco Tuesday.”

“He’s got a point,” said Jonah. “Besides, what are you so down about? You saved a woman with your bare hands. You’re all over the news.”

“Yeah, I know, and I am seriously considering changing my phone number if the reporters don’t stop calling me,” Lucy said seriously.

“And why are we upset about this? All the best heroes get interviewed. Sometimes, they even make movies about them,” said Jonah, smiling at Lucy.

“Don’t even joke about that,” Lucy told him, and Tommy sighed in sympathy. He, of all people, understood that just because you saved someone, that didn’t mean you felt like a hero or some sort of big shot. Even when he’d done the rescue right, Gerrard still found a way to find fault in the actions performed. It reminded him of when Gerrard went to his house to make him feel awful about saving that boy, who’d succeeded after his second suicide attempt.

“I know,” he said, deciding that he needed to speak from the heart. He wasn’t the best with words. But he’d learned over the years that sharing his experience with others helped; it helped him feel a lot less worse every time, and it tended to make others realize that they weren’t as alone as they thought they were. And right now, Lucy needed someone to lean on as she agonized over what she could have done differently to save that woman from falling. “Anybody could have done what was done on that call. She’d fallen from the balcony. You held out your hands. She fell into them. But Lucy, here’s the thing: it might not have been as big an escapade as jumping onto the back of a moving truck to save a family. But it still counts for something because a life was saved. It shouldn’t be about the rush you get from the rescue. If you’re doing this to seek pleasure and look for adrenaline, guess what? That’s not the job. For me, it’s not about the rush. Because what will happen when you don’t save that one person? How will you pick yourself up from that? This job… when we choose this life… it shouldn’t be about the rush. It’s about saving as many lives as we can, because that matters. People’s lives matter, even when they themselves don’t believe it.”

Lucy sighed, sipping her beer. “You sound like you’re talking from experience there, Kinard.”

“I’ll be honest,” Tommy said. “I’d been through that.” He sighed heavily, knowing that he was about to get to the hard part. He hated telling this part of the story to anyone. But he also knew how crucial it was that Lucy understood where he was coming from. Still, he couldn’t ignore the knot in his stomach as he wrung his fingers together in front of him, flexing and unflexing them. Release, hold. Release, hold, a technique that he’d gone over in therapy more than once when a particularly bad call took a toll.

“A year after my probationary year, my first captain was mad because I succeeded in stopping this closeted teenager from killing himself,” he said, not at all hiding his bluntness. It wasn’t happy. But it was harsh and honest and something that he could not deny, even if he wanted to. “He suspended me without pay for two weeks. The next day, he personally came to deliver the news that the boy had attempted suicide again, only that time he succeeded. He told me I should have just let the kid die because he would’ve put himself out of his misery sooner.”

Lucy shot him an incredulous glance. “And? What’s your point?”

“That the more you agonize over what you could have or should have done, the bigger a hole you dig for yourself. And if you don’t find a way to deal with that pain and take it off and give it away to someone else and allow somebody to be that rock for you, you’ll just fall deeper and deeper into the hole,” Tommy said sternly. “Besides, that woman didn’t die because you caught her, Lucy. That’s what matters. You saved a life. Feel great about that, knowing you succeeded. Because it’s never gonna be perfect. Nothing about life is perfect.”

Lucy sighed and cast him a small smile. “Thanks, Tommy.”

“Not bad advice, Kinard,” complimented Jonah.

“Take the wins when you can get ‘em, you guys,” said Tommy as the server returned with their fries and his stout. He sipped the beer, sighing deeply. “That’s my advice to you.”

“Point taken.”

“Sometimes, we’re just very lucky.” Tommy sipped his beer once more. “But we should never depend upon luck, because you never know when your fortune will change. It could be tomorrow. Next week. A month. A year from now. You need to make every successful save count for something.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” said Jonah, and Tommy felt a strange, tugging sensation in his stomach at Jonah’s tone. Once again, his gut told him that something was just off about Jonah. But he also didn’t want to jump to conclusions, either. So, he buried his concerns in the taste of beer and truffle fries, listening to the distant sound of a Kings game playing in the background on the TVs near the bar.

Chapter Text

Chapter 10 – Luck Part 2

“So, Buck,” Frank said, sitting back in his chair, “can you tell me why you scheduled this emergency session?”

Buck leaned back against Frank’s couch. The last time he’d been in a therapist’s office physically, he’d slept with Dr. Wells… well… technically, it had been a sexual assault, something that had taken forever for him to fully grasp because at the time, it hadn’t registered fully that that was what it had been.

He still had his sessions with Dr. Copeland, but they were always conducted over Zoom. He hadn’t actually gone to her office physically yet. Sitting across from Frank, beside Eddie on Frank’s sofa, he knew he needed to answer the difficult question.

Eddie looked even worse than he did the day before. Even with the extra hours of sleep due to Buck and Tommy taking Chris to school, Eddie looked bone-tired and just done with the world, and Buck hated knowing that there wasn’t much he could do about it except get Eddie in for his session with Frank as soon as his shift ended for the day.

Buck couldn’t help feeling the uselessness settle in, like he should be doing more to help.

It reminded him of when he’d spoken to his parents about how he’d been born to save someone, and that was what he did every day; their words were still bitter to him, and he was still so mad at them both for saying that that was what he’d been born to do even though he didn’t save Daniel, because the moments when he failed to save someone were the moments that he felt like the failure his parents saw whenever they looked right through him all those years.

It also made him think of Devon, his first loss on a call, how all Devon had to do was grab his hand, and he wouldn’t do it. He thought of when he’d lost Chris during the tsunami, how he’d failed to protect his godson during that disastrous day. He could add those two failures to the list of other failures he’d faced as a firefighter:

Eddie getting shot by the sniper was one. He’d failed to protect Eddie from that, even though everyone said that it would not have been better if Buck had been the one who’d gotten shot. Somehow, he disagreed.

Another was Maddie, whom he hadn’t fully been there for because she’d been pushing him away during her PPD.

All those people he’d gone through BUD/s with; he rang out during Hell Week, and he hadn’t kept in contact with many of the people from his tryouts with the SEALs. Had any of them made it out alive? And even if they did survive, were any of them still here? He couldn’t even remember all their names.

He could only begin to imagine how Eddie felt knowing that all the friends he’d saved were dead now.

Actually, he had a pretty good image of that. Eddie had looked broken the night of his panic attack.

“Christopher called me a couple of nights ago,” said Buck. “He was scared. Told me something was wrong with his dad. My new partner, Tommy, and I arrived at the house and found Eddie taking a baseball bat to everything he owned. We stayed the night. But last night it was still bad. I wanted to get him in sooner because, I’m being honest, it scared the living crap out of me.” He rubbed his hands over his face, feeling the heaviness of the last couple of days weigh on his chest.

“I didn’t know what else to do.” Eddie sniffled slightly. “I still can’t believe that they’re all gone… all the people I saved. I mean… I saw the RPG coming, but I was too busy working on Greggs to do anything…”

“So, what you’re implying is that it was somehow your job to stop the helicopter from being shot down? But that would mean somebody needing to die in the process? Would that have been worth it?”

“No,” Eddie said, shaking his head. “No. I’m not saying that. It’s just… I saved them all, and it wasn’t worth it in the end, but I thought that I was doing my job… I…”

“But, do you have any doubts?” asked Frank seriously. “Any doubts about saving the people you saved?”

“It does make me wonder if what we do for a living is worth it… if there’s a point to any of it,” Eddie mumbled, and Buck could feel a lump forming in his throat; for Buck, being a firefighter was his life; he couldn’t imagine a world where he wasn’t a firefighter because it was the thing that he found that made him feel like he mattered for once. Hell, it was what Eddie was supposed to be. But to hear that Eddie felt that it almost wasn’t worth it...

“I mean… I chose to deploy to Afghanistan… I missed out on so much, on Chris’s diagnosis, his early intervention treatments… and yet I went back, even if it meant leaving Shannon all on her own with the baby. Makes me feel like I contributed to her depression by running off halfway across the globe; I was made to be some sort of superhero when I came back, and meanwhile, she was painted to be the villain. What I put her through, what I put my kid through… Is any of this worth it? Is this life worth choosing? Could I have chosen something else? Something that would’ve made me more available to my son? What kind of father chooses to go away like that? Am I turning out to be like my dad, a dad who was never there for his family and made his only son the man of the house? Where would Chris end up if I die because of this job? I mean, it almost happened after I got shot.” Eddie looked at Frank with eyes that held a sort of plea, like he was begging for answers as he wondered whether the choices he’d made were the right choices.

“And I think you are starting to realize that that was why you stepped back,” Frank said. “You needed to reevaluate it.”

“But then I watch my friends on the news saving lives, meanwhile I’m stuck behind a desk feeling useless…”

“Eds,” Buck whispered, shaking his head and feeling his eyes sting, “no. I… I mean… You chose this because it allowed you a steady income without having to deploy again. You did the right thing choosing the LAFD because you knew it was the best…”

“And part of why I chose it was to reconnect with Shannon. And she ended up wanting a divorce anyway, so what was the point in all of it?” Eddie sniffled, his eyes going glassy. “And I couldn’t save her. I… And then the stuff with Ana…”

“Was part of why you broke things off with her your fear of commitment? A fear of losing another woman you love?” Frank asked.

“I ended up losing her either way.” Eddie leaned back against the couch, and Buck could tell that his best friend felt like he’d been hit by a bus. It was common to feel that way after therapy. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d felt both worse and better after speaking with Dr. Copeland. Buck once again couldn’t help feeling that Eddie needed a lot more help. As he looked over at Frank, Frank seemed to agree.

Frank sighed. “Eddie, I think you and I both know it’s reached a point where you need a lot more than what I can offer. I’m just here to listen. But I can’t do anything further than this.”

“So, what are you saying?” Eddie looked at Frank incredulously.

“My suggestion is that you schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. Legally, I can’t prescribe you anything. But I think it would benefit you if you started taking an antidepressant.”

“No, thanks, I don’t need to be medicated.”

“Your visit to the hospital for a panic attack that was believed to be a heart attack would suggest otherwise,” Frank said sternly, scribbling something down in his pad before he handed the piece of paper to Eddie. There was a name inscribed on it: Dr. Colin Murphy. “Here’s the name of a psychiatrist I can recommend. But it’s up to you what you choose to do, Eddie. I can’t make the decision for you.”

“Eddie, it wouldn’t hurt to try it,” said Buck.

Eddie sighed heavily, and finally, he nodded reluctantly. Buck knew, deep down, that Eddie had possibly needed to go on antidepressants a while ago, and yet everyone had overlooked how deeply he’d been hurting after Shannon’s death; Bobby had cleared Eddie to go back to work after just two therapy sessions, and that had not been enough to allow Eddie to confront all that had happened.

However, he also understood that Eddie would need to see somebody he’d helped save who was still around. It made Buck think of that one boy whose mother had been poisoning him with eyedrops, how Eddie had intervened just in time, and even gave the kid his phone number to call him personally. If only Buck knew where Charlie was…

The shift began the next night. They started at ten at night and would be expected to wrap up the shift at ten in the morning. Tommy had been on these kinds of calls, where they lasted overnight. Except, he didn’t know how it had gone from a relaxing couple of hours at Sal’s watching his goddaughters’ favorite movie, Descendants, with the girls over chicken cutlets, baked sweet potatoes, and Stefania’s from-scratch broccoli-and-cheese casserole, to being on a call where a woman got impaled while riding her bicycle.

By a stop sign.

But here they were.

It wasn’t a search and rescue call, so he left Bear back at the station to be supervised by Evan, who had no problem with being the man behind if it meant getting playtime in with Bear.

Bobby wasted no time barking orders immediately.

“Tommy, Lucy, I want a backboard and a gurney. Hen, Chim, you call out whatever you need, and I will radio the hospital,” Bobby said.

“On it, Cap,” said Tommy, nodding at Lucy to follow him to the bus. They grabbed what was necessary along with a C-collar and went over to Hen and Howie, who were assessing the damage. Tommy winced at the sight of the stop sign plunging out of the woman’s chest and torso.

“Backboard’s here,” Tommy announced.

“Okay, Tommy, get a C-collar on her,” Chimney demanded. “Okay, we’ll pull the sign, pack the wound, rig a makeshift junctional tourniquet; keep the pressure on.”

“I got a better way,” said Hen. She turned to Lucy, asking her to grab the REBOA kit out of the bag, and Tommy knew where Hen was going with this. If there was one person he trusted above all else with something like this, it was Hen. He would never not trust her instincts, not after she’d found that victim underwater during that car accident that hit the limousine. Gerrard may have doubted her. But Tommy and Sal had been fools ever to doubt Hen’s gut.

Howie looked at Hen in surprise. “We’ve got REBOA kits now? You know how to use them?”

“You sound shocked,” said Hen. “That’s what happens when you disappear for six months. Your colleagues get trained in all kinds of stuff.”

“Touche,” Howie replied. “Let’s do it. Okay, Jules, I’m gonna pull the sign out of you while my brilliant colleague completely upstages me by blowing a tiny balloon in your femoral artery. We’ll blow it up and create what we’ll call an ‘occlusion,’” Chimney further explained. “It’s gonna stabilize your blood pressure. Oh, and keep you alive.”

“Sounds… dangerous,” Jules breathed out.

“Don’t worry about it, Jules. You’re in some of the most capable hands that I know,” said Tommy. “I would trust Hen and Chimney with my life. These two are the best in the business.”

“You'd better. Last I checked, I saved your life,” quipped Howie.

“I still owe you one for that, Howie,” Tommy said, watching as the duo got to work. He winced as he heard the heart monitor start to flatline. Howie told Jules to take a breath, and then he turned to Tommy and Lucy.

“Tommy, Lucy, on three! One… two…!” They yanked the sign out with ease; it was like butter sliding across bread as they tossed the sign aside. Tommy sighed with relief as Chim and Hen stabilized Jules enough for transport, and once she was secure on the backboard, Tommy and Lucy transferred her to the gurney.

Mission accomplished. It would be the first of many calls that would last all night long until they finally got off the clock tomorrow morning.

“Nice going there, Hen,” Tommy complimented. “You’re a genius. You know that, right?”

“You were great, too,” Hen assured him.

“I don’t know what you mean by that. We just helped yank the sign out of her,” said Lucy.

“Make every second of the success count,” Howie said as they wheeled her into the ambulance.

“What kind of idiot removes a stop sign?” Tommy asked.

“A special kind of moron,” said Sergeant Grant, shaking her head.

“Well, you’d better find them, Sergeant. Whoever removed that stop sign should lose their driver’s license,” Tommy said, but just as Howie and Hen finished loading Jules into the ambulance, Chim’s phone rang shrilly in his pocket.

“It’s Maddie,” Chimney said nervously, answering the call. “Maddie… Yeah… Hey, it’s okay. I’ll be right there, okay?” He hung up the call and cast Bobby a worried glance. “It’s Jee-Yun.”

“After we drop her off, you can head out, Chim,” Bobby assured Howie, and Tommy glanced over at Howie in concern.

“Everything okay?”

“Maddie took Jee-Yun to the emergency room.” Howie looked almost stricken by this information, and Tommy winced in understanding; Hen had filled him in on what had happened the last time Maddie had to take Jee-Yun to the ER, and it had been because she’d been so exhausted that she’d nearly drowned the baby while bathing her. He didn’t want to imagine why Maddie had taken Jee to the ER again.

“You don’t know anything yet, Howie,” said Tommy, reaching over to squeeze Howie’s shoulder. “After we drop Jules off, go be with your girls.”

Chimney knew when he got the call from Maddie to meet her at the hospital late last night that something was wrong. Considering the last time Maddie had gone to the hospital with Jee had been after Jee went under the water briefly in the bath, Chimney couldn’t help but worry sick over every possible scenario that went through his mind.

He’d been glad that it had been after the call he’d been on, where a woman got impaled by a stop sign, of all things, late that night.

He knew, rationally, that they shouldn’t worry too much about leukemia. It just so happened that Daniel had a string of bad luck when it came to his treatment. That did not mean that the same thing would happen with Jee-Yun. It couldn’t. An intussusception could mean anything.

As he paced the waiting room floor early that morning, precisely at eight A.M, he was on what felt like his hundredth cup of horrible hospital coffee as he and Maddie listened to the replay of Lucy’s miraculous rescue on the news. As Chimney turned to glance at the television, it was still surreal to him, knowing Lucy had just caught the victim at the opportune moment. Even Tommy, who’d been up there on the balcony with Buck, was shocked at the fact that Lucy had caught the woman so easily. It almost reminded him of the one rescue he and Bosco went on with the mom and two kids whose car had fallen off the side of a cliff; he and Lena had just been fortunate that they’d gotten everyone out in time.

Sometimes, the rescues they made happened only because good luck made them a possibility.

Right now, Chimney and Maddie could use all the luck in the world.

“No matter how many times I’ve seen it, it still doesn’t seem real,” Maddie commented as she watched the news recap. Right now, that was the only thing distracting her from worrying sick over Jee-Yun. Even though the news was not Chimney’s first choice of a distraction, if it helped, he wasn’t going to argue there.

“Oh, tell me about it,” Chimney commented. “I was standing right next to her. Tommy was right above it all with Buck; none of us is quite sure how she did it.”

“It’s enough to make you believe in actual miracles,” said Maddie, and on that note, Jee-Yun’s doctor exited from the emergency room, looking positively relieved, and Chimney could see that Maddie was already feeling better by the sight of the look on the doctor’s face.

Still, he didn’t hesitate to grab Maddie’s hand as the doctor asked, “Buckley-Han?”

“Yeah, that’s us,” said Maddie.

“Okay, I’ve got good news and great news,” said the doctor, smiling gently.

“Well, we like how you’re starting,” Chimney said, squeezing Maddie’s hand tighter.

“It was intussusception, which we confirmed with a lower GI series that very helpfully put her intestine back where it belonged,” the doctor explained. “It happens sometimes. But that means we don’t have to repair it surgically.”

“Uh, but what about the underlying cause?” asked Chimney, knowing that that was what Maddie was most worried about, and he hoped, for her sake, that it wasn’t cancer. Still, based on what the doctor said about having both good news and great news, that hopefully meant that everything with Jee-Yun was going to be okay.

“Anything to worry about there?” he asked.

“Clean bill of health,” the doctor assured them, and Chimney could feel the relief in Maddie’s grip.

“Okay, so when can we see her?” Maddie asked as she sighed with tremendous relief.

“They’ll be bringing her up soon,” the doctor said. “Just want to keep an eye on her for a few hours, see if there’s any adverse reaction to the barium. Then you can take her home.”

“Thanks,” Chimney said, “thanks so much.”

“Well, Mom should get a thank-you, too,” the doctor said, gesturing to Maddie, and Chimney felt a swell of pride balloon inside of him as he smiled at her. “If we hadn’t caught it so early, we might not be so lucky. It was a good call bringing her in.” 

As the doctor departed, Chimney realized he was still gripping Maddie’s hand, and vice versa. Awkwardly, they pulled away, but he also could not deny how badly he wanted to keep holding her hand. The magnetic pull that he felt as his fingers gently brushed hers, even seconds after they stopped interlocking their hands, was something that he could not deny, but he also knew that he and Maddie still needed the time apart so that they could be the best parents they could be for Jee-Jee.

He just hoped that Maddie would not suggest that they start seeing other people. He was convinced that that would be the thing that would kill him.

Buck was glad that Chim wasn’t present for the call they went on involving two idiot kids trying to remove a stop sign because one of those idiots got rammed into by a car through a neighborhood because the driver didn’t see a stop sign.

No stop sign meant the driver had the right of way. You’d have to be a total fool not to know that. People might’ve teased Buck for being a dumbass. But even he wouldn’t do something as stupid as that.

He counted his lucky stars that Lucy was there. It had required all hands on deck to get the kid stabilized. But they did it. And when he’d glanced at Tommy, he could see that even Tommy had looked proud of Lucy and how she’d assisted.

Buck didn’t know what pep talk Tommy had given her, but whatever advice it was, it was the right advice, because Lucy no longer seemed to be in whatever slump she’d been in since that rescue where the victim fell directly into her arms.

After the call, their shift was officially over for the day. But even so, he’d hardly gotten any sleep at all in the bunkroom. That was why the following morning, he headed to Taylor’s place.

He needed information from her. And she was the best at finding it.

If Eddie knew something about at least one of the people he’d saved, that could potentially help him in his recovery.

Hopefully.

He knocked, and Taylor opened the door, greeting him with a tight smile. “Hey, how was work?”

“Pretty good,” Buck said.

“How have you been? Have you figured anything out?” Taylor took his hand, and Buck squeezed lightly.

“Not quite yet,” Buck admitted. “Listen, uh, that’s not exactly why I’m here. Tay, I-I need you to help me find someone.”

“Who?” Taylor’s green eyes held genuine curiosity at Buck’s request.

“Um, do you remember the boy that Eddie and I received a call from almost a year ago? The kid whose mother was poisoning him with eyedrops?”

Taylor nodded. “Charlie, right?” The fact that she remembered his name didn’t cease to surprise Buck. Taylor was more thoughtful than people gave her credit for. It was one of the many things he loved about her, even if her memory of people often came from her needing them as a source for a story at one point. Still, she remembered the important things when they counted.

“Yes,” Buck said. “I just wanna know what happened to him, where he ended up going, if relatives took him in or something…”

“Any particular reason why you’re interested?” Taylor’s eyes softened significantly as she caressed the back of his hand, and Buck could see that she held a lot of sympathy for Charlie.

“It’s more for Eddie than for me. He needs to know that… that one of the people he saved is okay.”

Taylor nodded. “I think I understand why. You don’t need to say. But if I help you find Charlie, will you get me a call with Lucy Donato? She’s been ignoring my calls. Actually, everyone’s calls.”

“Ahh, can’t do that,” Buck said, shaking his head and smiling at her gently. “But I will tell you a very heartwarming ending to the story of that woman Lucy rescued.”

“Okay then. I’ll find Charlie for you. And you tell me the whole story.” But then, Taylor turned serious. “You said not quite yet when I asked whether you figured everything out.”

“Honestly, Tay, I’m torn.” Buck closed his eyes and rubbed his hand through his hair. “Tommy’s interested. And he said he’s willing to wait until I figure stuff out. The problem is, I don’t know what it is I’m ready for just yet. I wouldn’t want to start anything with him unless…”

“Unless you and I close this chapter,” Taylor said in understanding.

“Yeah.”

Taylor bit her lip, whispering, “I wouldn’t want you torn between two people, Buck. And I wouldn’t want you feeling like you have to choose, or like you need to lock yourself into a corner to keep holding onto something that’s falling apart.”

“So, what are you saying? That this break we’re already on turns permanent?” Buck asked her, opening his eyes.

“Honestly?” Taylor asked. “I think it would be best if you and I take some time to grow apart.”

“We already are.”

“But what I’m saying is that if you want to start seeing Tommy, I would be okay with it,” Taylor said seriously, even though the look in her eyes was one of hurt. But he could also see the understanding there, too.

“Okay… But what if… What if you want to try again? I mean, I’m not into the whole open-relationship idea thing, Tay.”

“Neither am I.” Taylor shuddered at the thought before smiling a little more softly. “But in all seriousness, Buck, I’ll always care about you. And I want to see you happy. And if that’s not with me, and if Tommy is the person who makes you happy and you really can’t stop thinking about him, then I say you should go for it.”

Buck sighed with relief. “Thanks, Taylor. And… And thanks for being there.”

“Always.”

It took Taylor a few days, but she found Charlie. Or at least, she found out about a place where he frequented.

It was an equine therapy center. Walking through there with Eddie and Chris, Buck was taken back to Montana, where he worked as a ranch handler. The smell of the horses took him right back to the stables, where he’d groom and exercise the horses. He’d always thought of them as some of the most human-like animals next to dolphins; they sensed emotion even better than dogs did and loved communication. It was no wonder that they were used as therapy animals for people who suffered from abuse.

Plus, if Chris liked it, maybe he could take some horseback riding lessons. Equine therapy was good for kids with autism and CP. That was another part of why Buck felt it would be good for Eddie to come here. It could provide Chris with another activity to do, something that could aid his recovery.

As they walked through the horse ranch together, Buck turned to Chris, asking him what he thought of the animals.

“They’re really tall,” Chris answered.

“If you don’t wanna do this or it gets too scary, we can leave,” Eddie assured Christopher.

“When do I get to ride one?” Christopher asked curiously.

“Okay,” Eddie nodded, “maybe not that scary.”

The woman giving them the tour smiled at Chris, explaining to him that first, he’d get an introduction to the horses. After that, he would learn how to groom them and feed them and then lead them.

Chris just looked at the woman with a bored expression. “That sounds like work.”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s work. But it’s how the horses learn to trust you, and you learn how to trust the horses.” The woman turned to Eddie with a smile. “Can I show him around the place?”

“Sure,” Eddie consented, and together, Eddie and Buck watched as Chris hobbled off to meet all the horses that were in the care there. Once Christopher walked away, Eddie turned to Buck. “Equine therapy?”

“Yeah,” Buck said. “I was doing some research with Taylor, and I found this place.”

“What kind of research?”

“Well, you were saying the other day how random everything seems. Like, is there a point to anything?”

“I remember.”

Buck swallowed before saying, “So, before you joined the 118, we had this rule. Don’t go past the glass doors. We bring someone to the ER, we hand them over, and that’s it—our job is done.”

Eddie nodded. “Never heard that one.”

“I’m not sure who the first one to break the rule was. Probably me.”

Eddie agreed, saying, “Yeah.”

“Our job is always just to save the person in front of us. Whatever happens next, well, we… we aren’t supposed to know.”

“I see the wisdom in that philosophy.”

“It got me thinking…” Buck thought of what he was going to say next, hoping that the information he was about to share would give Eddie some hope to move forward as he got the help that he needed. “…about the day you got shot,” he said. “Well, with everything that happened, I almost forgot that wasn’t even our call. We were only there because of…”

“Charlie,” Eddie breathed out, clearly remembering the kid who’d desperately called him for help.

“It made me wonder if you ever wished we hadn’t saved him,” Buck said. “Come on, the kid is being poisoned by his mom. Probably gonna be messed up for life. He almost died. You don’t regret going there?”

“No,” said Eddie, not even hesitating with his answer.

“But if it’s all just random,” Buck began.

“It was still the right thing to do,” Eddie argued firmly; at least that was the one thing Eddie was confident in right now.

“Yeah, I think so too.” Buck turned his gaze toward the horse track, and he and Eddie both saw Charlie sitting atop a beautiful brown horse, looking healthier than he’d ever looked a year ago.

“That’s Charlie,” Eddie realized, and Buck could see the relief washing upon Eddie’s face as he took in the sight.

“He lives with his aunt and uncle now,” Buck explained, grinning.  “They seem like really good people. They’ve been bringing him here for the last few months.”

“He looks happy,” Eddie said, almost numbly.

“‘Cause he got the help he needed,” Buck said firmly. “And that started with you. Whatever happens to him next, you gave him that second chance. Maybe that’s the point.”

Eddie quietly agreed, and Buck knew that this was the first step. But he still had one more thing to say. “Charlie was lucky he met you when he did. At least you know now that one of the people you saved is still alive. You didn’t lose everyone. Let that count for something.”  

Chapter Text

Chapter 11 – First Dates and Fearing Missing Out

Buck was nervous. He’d been on dates before. But this was a date with Tommy—his first date with a guy.

In a way, he was glad that Tommy invited him to his home instead of making it a public thing. Neither of them was quite ready to announce to the 118 that they were going on a date. Especially since it was so soon after Buck and Taylor decided to take their break, giving Buck the space to see Tommy, if he wanted to.

He stood outside Tommy’s house, a single-family home that did not appear to be a rental; it looked renovated, and it made Buck wonder how much time Tommy invested in renovating the house.

He knocked on the door quietly, and Tommy greeted him with a warm smile upon opening the door. He wore a dark blue Henley that brought out the blue in his eyes, and all Buck could think was, God, he is gorgeous.

“Hi,” Tommy said.

“H-Hi,” Buck stammered, smiling nervously as he felt the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. He hadn’t felt this way since Abby. Sure, Ali and Taylor, he’d felt something for. But this was different.

Tommy’s smile widened a little more as he grabbed Buck’s hand. “You want a tour?” he asked as Bear came bounding toward them, jumping on Buck in excitement.

Buck scratched Bear behind the ears with a soft grin. “I’d love one.”

Tommy shut the door behind him and led him through the house; the first thing Buck noticed was some family photos. The ones that stood out were pictures of Tommy with someone who appeared to be his older brother and older sister.

“Drew and Katie,” said Tommy, a little solemnly. “They’re really the only two members of my family I’ve stayed in contact with. Other than a cousin of mine who lives up in San Francisco.”

“Yeah, I know what that’s like,” said Buck in understanding. He saw other photos hung up in the house: pictures of Tommy from when he graduated from the military academy. Pictures of when he’d served in the Army. Pictures of his graduation from the firefighters’ academy. But there wasn’t a photo of his probationary year graduation.

“Captain Gerrard wasn’t big on celebrating completing probationary years,” Tommy said, as though he could read Buck’s mind. “He was often too busy picking apart what you did wrong to point out what you did right.” At that, he sighed and gestured to some of the other pictures, some of which contained him with Hen and Chim. Buck also saw a photo of him standing near a baptism basin while a priest blessed a dark-haired baby girl; there was an identical photo of him doing the same with another, who had lighter hair than her sister.

“My goddaughters, Serafina and Stella,” Tommy explained. “Their dad, Sal, was my partner at the 118 before Bobby had him transferred. Sal told me that when his son is born, I’m Sal Jr.’s godfather, as well.”

Buck nodded. “That’s nice, knowing they made you part of their family.”

“Sal’s like my brother. I knew him when we were kids, when my dad was stationed in Oregon. So, when he came to the 118, I was surprised. But I was also relieved. I was a little less alone because I didn’t just have Howie.” Tommy led Buck away from the photos in the foyer, and Buck noticed other things on the walls as they entered the living room area: Dougie Hamilton and Marty Brodeur jerseys, a CC Sabathia jersey, a poster of the LA Lakers, a poster of Payton Manning when he played for the Indianapolis Colts, a poster for the New York Red Bulls…

“Why all the different teams from so many different cities?” Buck asked.

“Dad had us traveling so much, I didn’t get a chance to plant roots anywhere, at least until we went back to New Jersey permanently,” Tommy shrugged.

“So, you chose to support the hockey team that hasn’t won a Stanley Cup since ’03? And they won because they put the Anaheim Ducks on a rotisserie?” Buck snorted.

“I’ll have you know that my Devils have more wins over your Flyers.”

“Fair point.” Buck couldn’t argue there. But he also had to remain loyal to Philadelphia.

Tommy grinned at him playfully and led him through to the living room, which connected to the kitchen, which was located underneath a mezzanine. Everything was very clean, straight lines; the countertops were white, the cabinets slate, a leather couch was positioned in front of the TV, which sat atop an entertainment system and held numerous Blu-rays: Buck could see titles like Love, Actually—Tommy’s favorite—as well as Top Gun, the John Wick films, 27 Dresses, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Die Hard, Fight Club, Miracle, Cars, Remember the Titans, Apocalypse Now, Rocky, The Karate Kid, The Outsiders, Con Air, those X-Men movies, some of the Disney classics including Mulan, Snow White, and The Little Mermaid, and the live-action 101 Dalmatians. Buck never would’ve taken Tommy to be such a movie lover, but he had a wide variety in taste. Buck could also pick out several records near a record player: KISS, Bon Jovi, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Coldplay, Ozzy Osborne, Billy Idol, Van Halen, and AC/DC.

As they ventured up the stairs of the mezzanine to where Tommy’s bedroom area was located, Buck could detect a fragrant smell wafting from the kitchen. It smelled yeasty, like pizza was baking. Buck could see that Tommy’s bedroom was attached to a bathroom, and it also connected to a guest room. It almost looked like the mezzanine back at the 118, with Tommy’s sleeping area hovering over everything else. Buck could see potted plants on the windowsill, a painter’s easel with a large canvas displaying a painting of Superman, more paintings, most of which were of Marvel and DC superheroes, old Hot Wheels on display on the bookshelf, which also housed books, something that delighted Buck: he saw titles that said some of the books were about motorcycles and vintage cars, as well as the Harry Potter books, Jurassic Park, Ready Player One, The Terminal List, The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games, and Catch-22.

Buck couldn’t help walking over to the shelf and picking up Catch-22; he’d read it in high school, and it had been one of the many reading materials he’d loved, and when his English teacher had them watch the movie with Martin Sheen, he’d been fascinated. While he wasn’t much of a movie-viewer and Chim made fun of him for being uncultured, he had enough room for a few movies that held sentimental value.

“I read that one at least fifteen times,” Tommy said. “You can borrow it if you want.”

“Thanks.” Buck couldn’t help the blush that spread across his cheeks as Tommy led him back downstairs to the kitchen area, where Buck saw that the table was set with two table settings and a bottle of red wine, as well as a large garden salad.

Buck blushed deeper when Tommy pulled the chair out for him like a complete gentleman. And when Tommy opened the oven and pulled out a thick-crust pizza covered in mushrooms, bell peppers, and sausage, and Buck felt himself begin to salivate.

“I’m not much of a cook,” Tommy admitted. “I can make breakfast. I can do simple things like pasta. And pizza is one of the few things I can bake.”

“It looks really good,” Buck said.

“I sure hope it’s good. My grandma taught me how to make this before she passed away. And she didn’t teach her pizza dough and sauce recipes to just anybody,” said Tommy as he sliced into the pizza, and Buck could hear the crunch of the crust. He watched as Tommy placed the slice onto his plate before pushing the large bowl over so that Buck could serve himself some salad. While Buck plated the salad up, Tommy opened the bottle of wine and poured it into Buck’s glass.

Once Tommy had plated up his own food, they began eating. When Buck bit into the pizza, it was perfect, even better than Bobby’s, better than any pizzeria in Philly. The crust was crunchy and chewy, the sauce had a level of sweetness to it, and all the toppings were cooked to perfection.

It was so good that he remained speechless the whole time. And Tommy could clearly see that he was enjoying it, because he smiled thoughtfully.

“So,” Buck began, “what else do you do, aside from baking perfect pizza and flying helicopters?”

“As you saw from my collection, I love movies,” Tommy said. “And I love to read. I’m also into cars: monster trucks, restoring vintage cars, and motorcycles. I also love art; I paint a lot, and occasionally sketch. I’ve been wanting to paint a mural upstairs in my room for the longest time.”

“That’s… That’s really cool,” said Buck.

“I also played hockey when I was younger. I took my high school to the state championships two years in a row. I played defense.”

“I played football in high school. I was a tight end.”

“Mmm,” Tommy hummed. “I can picture that. Tight end.”

Buck blushed deeply, nearly choking on his wine. “Um, I also read a lot. Mostly encyclopedias. I always go into deep dives on the most random things. Like, did you know that once a seahorse finds its lifelong mate, they perform a special dance every morning with their tails interlocked to display their courtship?”

“No. I didn’t. That’s adorable,” Tommy laughed lightly. “So, how’d you end up becoming a firefighter?”

“You’re gonna laugh.”

“I can promise I won’t.”

“I saw it in a movie. And it looked cool. For a while, I didn’t know where I fit. At one point, I bartended down in Virginia Beach. I once worked as a ranch hand in Montana. Tried out for the SEALs. Bartended down in Peru. When I finally graduated from the firefighter academy and joined the 118, I felt like I fit somewhere, like I was in the right place for once.”

Tommy’s expression softened considerably. “Well, I’m glad that you stuck around, Evan. Because… well… You may not know it, but you make a lot of things better just by being there.”

“You really think so? I mean… I’m told that I can be a lot.”

“You are a lot. But in the best way possible.” Tommy smiled at him reassuringly, and Buck felt the butterflies return to his stomach as his and Tommy’s fingers brushed softly. “Do me a favor. Never change, Evan Buckley.”

“She’s on her way to the burn unit now,” said May as she watched Twitter explode with news about the luxury influencer who’d collapsed in her fake Brentwood mansion. As it turned out, “Selene” was actually a college girl named “Rebecca” who was supposed to be in school in Santa Barbara.

It must have been a true shock to the girl’s fans that the life she was living was a lie. She didn’t want to imagine what the girl’s parents must have been thinking when they learned their daughter had been lying to them all this time.

“High price to pay for living a fake life,” Eddie commented dryly as he closed the breakroom refrigerator. “You think her regular life was that bad?”

“Maybe she felt like she was missing out on the life she could’ve had, if she’d been born someone else or made different choices,” said May. “Don’t you wonder about stuff like that?” She’d heard through the grapevine that Eddie was seeing a psychiatrist as opposed to the department therapists, and while she had noticed that Eddie seemed a lot more tired as of recently, she hadn’t realized it had been that bad. But she knew not to bring that up, at least unless Eddie wanted to discuss it with her. Eddie didn’t need to hear that she heard things about him from her stepdad. Or that her stepdad was having her give updates on Eddie to him. Like she was some sort of babysitter.

Eddie looked like he almost wanted to agree, but then he shook his head before saying, “Not really.”

Somehow, May doubted that. “Well, some—most people, other than you—worry that they’re not getting the full experience. The unknown is scary, you know. FOMO.”

When Eddie cast her a confounded glance, she said, “Fear of missing out?”

“You make it sound like a sickness,” Eddie joked.  

“I guess it kind of is,” May said. “In all seriousness, Eddie, I think you do wonder about that stuff. ‘Cause why else would you switch from Frank to a psychiatrist?”

Eddie nearly choked on the water he was drinking. “Did you hear that from Buck?”

“I live with two first responders,” May told him, narrowing her eyes.

She watched as Eddie’s exhaustion seemed to settle in as he set the water down. “A lot of times, I wonder. Because I missed a lot. Chris’s diagnosis. Shannon’s mother’s death. I wonder when… When can things be stable again? I also wonder if the way I grew up had anything to do with it.”

“Meaning?” May considered herself fortunate that the only thing that truly rocked her family was her and Harry finding out their dad was gay and that he and Mom were getting a divorce. She also considered herself lucky to have Bobby as a stepdad.

“My dad was never around. He traveled a lot for work. Left me to be the man of the house. When my sister Adrianna was born, my mom was in labor, and I tried to drive the truck to the hospital. I crashed the truck. Instead of being praised for my efforts, I was punished for it; as far as my dad was concerned, enlisting in the Army was the only right choice I ever made. It amazes me that my mom stayed married to my dad and put up with his absence for as long as she did. Because… Because the way I screwed up things with Ana…” Eddie closed his eyes and sighed heavily. “I wonder if I’ll be able to keep any relationship.”

“Then maybe, you should take a step back from dating for a while,” May suggested.

“Yeah, yeah, I think so, too,” Eddie murmured. “I’ll stick to the single life. Hang out with the boys. Y’know, it really makes me wonder… Would it be so much easier if I were gay?”

“Probably not,” May shrugged.

“Yeah… Yeah, that would probably make it even more complicated. And the last thing I need is another complication. Therapy is complicated enough.”

“Yeah, you don’t need to tell me that.” May glanced downward and heaved a sigh, remembering all the therapy she’d had to do shortly after her suicide attempt. “I’ve had my share of therapy before. With my history.”

She heard Eddie wince slightly. “I’m sorry, May.”

“It’s in the past.”

“One thing I’ve learned is that whatever you think is the past actually isn’t.”

May glanced up at him in agreement. “Claudette is a walking, living, breathing reminder of that. Every day.” She clenched her teeth slightly; while Claudette had her moments where it seemed like she was becoming more tolerable, she still found a way to take twenty steps backward and regress in any sort of progress. Her praise of May for handling the suicidal caller had been laced with passive aggressiveness, like she found something May did right, but still managed to find something wrong that she wanted to pick apart and tear down. It was happening less and less because May made sure she and Claudette didn’t work the same shifts as often anymore. But she knew Eddie saw it when it happened. Not that Eddie ever got involved.

Maybe it was best Eddie not get involved in girl crap.

Still, she felt she had to vent her frustration a little bit. “She finds fault in everything I do. I thought I escaped bullies when I finished high school. Apparently not.”

“Look, I’ll say this: I’ve served under people with an attitude like hers before,” Eddie told her. “They eventually get tired and move on to the next target. The more you let them get under your skin, the more you feed into them, the worse it gets.”

“Like I haven’t heard that advice before. Because it always works so well,” said May dryly.

“You’re right. It doesn’t. Not always.” Eddie sipped his water again before looking at her in curiosity. “By the way, why’d you ask if I ever wondered about making different choices?”

May sighed. She sometimes forgot how perceptive Eddie could be. To tell the truth, when she asked Eddie that question, it wasn’t just for him. It was for her, too. “I heard from USC this morning.”

“And?”

“And my deferral is over,” May elaborated. “They want to know if I’m attending school in the fall. Or else, I’ll lose my place.”

“Ah, I see. Well, if you want the truth, when I think of how my life could’ve been different, it goes beyond Shannon,” said Eddie. “It makes me wonder what things would be like if I hadn’t chosen to serve in the Army… If I’d chosen college.”

“But if you’d chosen college, you wouldn’t be a firefighter right now. You’d have a very different job.”

“Exactly. But I always felt like college wasn’t for me. It didn’t feel right. I wanted to feel like I was giving something back. I couldn’t do that with a degree in political science or… or whatever other majors there are available.”

“I disagree with that. You could’ve gone to medical school. You did choose to be a combat medic. You would’ve made a great surgeon. I mean, you removed a live grenade from someone’s leg.”

At that, Eddie smiled. “Yeah, maybe you’re right about that.” His smile faded as he added, “Are you thinking about going to USC in the fall?”

“I don’t know yet. I mean, you know why I chose this.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But I also wonder if I’m missing the chance to have the full college experience.”

“Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve. It doesn’t matter when you start. It only matters that you start. You’ll figure it out.”

May smiled slightly at him. “Have you been hanging around my dad? I think he’s been rubbing off on you.”

“Nah, your dad’s in Florida. He couldn’t possibly…”

“Last I checked, I’ve got two dads. Three, if we’re being picky.”

At that, Eddie reached over and ruffled her hair slightly, and May swatted his hand away; so, this was what it was like having an older brother. It made her wonder if Bobby’s kids were still alive, would she have liked having Bobby Jr. for a stepbrother? “I know which one you’re talking about. And yeah, I’ll admit it. Bobby… between him and my psychiatrist… They both have been giving me a lot to think about,” he said.

“I can see that. And you look better, by the way.”

“Thanks, May. All right. Don’t you have a job to get back to?”

“Don’t you?”

“Touché.” Eddie got up from his seat and squeezed her shoulder on the way out, and May sighed. She had a lot to think about. She just hoped that she could make the decision.

Chapter Text

Chapter 12 – Missing Milestones and New Beginnings

Maddie was glad when she got to Howie’s place, because Jee was starting to fuss. Granted, she’d fussed when Maddie got ready to put her down for bed the other night. But Howie had told her that giving Jee-Jee a juice box typically did the trick; Jee-Yun loved to squeeze it until the juice squirted out and covered her in stickiness, causing her to erupt into a giggling fit.

But the juice box only served as a temporary fix. Jee had squeezed the fruit punch box so hard that her clothes and face were soaked with the juice, but even squeezing the cardboard did little to alleviate her fussiness as she cried and screamed.

“Uh-oh,” Howie sighed, seeming to know well enough Jee’s moods to see that she was having a fit.

“You were right about the juice box,” said Maddie as she pushed Jee-Yun into the apartment.

“Told you so,” Howie said with a smile as he closed the door behind them.

“Yes, she likes to squeeze that thing like it’s a stress ball. Don’t you? She didn’t even care that she was covered in fruit punch!” Maddie said as she unstrapped Jee-Yun from her stroller before handing her off to Howie, who took their daughter into his arms and began bouncing her up and down to try to soothe her. But even being in her daddy’s arms wasn’t doing it; Maddie knew that Jee was growing her baby teeth in, so she was going to be far fussier than usual.

“Oh, baby, it’s okay,” said Howie as he took Jee-Jee into his arms. As he bounced her up and down playfully, Maddie noticed Jee’s baby box on the kitchen counter.

“What’s this? Why’s her baby box out?” asked Maddie as she opened it up.

“Uh, I just found some stuff I brought back from Boston,” Howie explained. “I want to put it in there.”

Maddie saw what Howie meant. They were all baby pictures—pictures that captured moments she had missed, displaying just how big Jee-Yun had grown to be throughout the last three months that Howie had spent chasing after her around the country.

“Wow,” she commented solemnly. “That’s a lot of memories.” Memories that she’d missed out on, such as Jee-Yun sitting up on her own, holding her head up, crawling, all the moments of tummy time, her first words… Granted, she got to hear Jee call her “Momma” back in Boston, but it was not the same. Sure, Jee remembered her. But knowing she’d missed all the important milestones in her daughter’s life because she’d been sick…

“Yeah, you should see the camera roll on my phone. It’s like a flip-book,” said Howie. “Watch the baby grow right before your eyes.”

“I missed so much,” said Maddie, trying to hide how saddened she felt by seeing the pictures as Jee started to wail loudly again.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Chimney said, his tone reassuring. “That’s why I tried to document everything. So that you could catch up.”

But it wasn’t the same. It would never be the same. She’d missed out on it all. Buck had missed out on seeing his niece grow up.

Chimney seemed to read her mind about Evan, because he said, “I showed her pictures of Buck every day and told her that’s her uncle. I wanted her to remember she’s got her Uncle Buck.”

That made Maddie feel marginally better; despite Chim and Buck’s fight, at least Chim had enough decency to think to show Jee-Yun photos of the rest of their family, especially Buck, whom both Maddie and Chim decided would be the godfather; they’d even talked about their wills being updated so that Buck could be listed as Jee’s legal guardian should anything happen to either of them. They’d decided in the car ride back home that that would be best for Jee-Yun overall, to be in the care of her uncle.

“You did?” Maddie asked, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

“I did,” Howie told her.

“Thanks,” said Maddie. “That’s really sweet of you.” As sweet as that was, though, it made her feel even worse knowing she’d been absent all that time.

When she arrived at Buck’s, he had lunch prepared for them: freshly-roasted chicken over a mixed-green salad.

“Smells great,” said Maddie as she hugged him.

“How was Jee last night?” asked Buck as he placed the large bowl of salad on the table.

“She’s growing her baby teeth in,” Maddie sighed. “At least that’s one thing that I didn’t miss out on.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Howie showed me a bunch of photos from his time chasing me,” said Maddie as she plated herself up some salad, and Buck grabbed her a water out of the fridge. “He said that he wanted to document all of the moments I missed out on so that I could see it all and get caught up.”

“At least he thought of that,” Buck assured her.

“It was so sweet. But I was just looking at the pictures, thinking I should’ve been there.”

“Look,” Buck said, not quite knowing what to say that could make her feel marginally better, even though he tended to always make things better just by being there because he was her Evan, her Buck, her baby brother. “Even if you were here, living your normal life, chances are, you probably would’ve missed some of those moments anyway. Right? I mean, you can’t be with her twenty-four-seven.”

“A few moments, sure,” Maddie argued, somehow feeling worse. “But every milestone? Only a bad mother misses every one.”

“Hey, you’re not a bad mother,” Buck defended her, which of course, he would, because he always saw the good in her even when she didn’t. “You were in a bad place, but you’re better now. You know, Jee won’t even remember that you were gone.”

That was easy for Buck to say. But clearly, he was forgetting something. “You knew something was wrong with our family, even though you were a baby when Daniel died. It haunted you your whole life. I don’t want that for her.”

“That was different, okay?” Buck told her, still trying to give her every ounce of the benefit of the doubt because she was his sister and she would always be golden to him, even when she messed up. He still found a way to forgive her, even though she had shut him out for so many years due to the difficulties with Doug. “Mom and Dad never dealt with their feelings, and that’s what affected us,” he continued. “You’re not doing that.”

“I’m scared that I’ve scarred her for life,” Maddie admitted; that thought had weighed on her the entire time she’d been in the hospital, and throughout the entire road trip back to Los Angeles. It was the one fear that plagued her sleep and kept her up at night as she thought of all the time she’d missed out on with her daughter.

“You haven’t,” Buck told her firmly. “You know how I know that? ‘Cause this is not the first kid you raised. That was me.” He gestured to himself with a fork filled with salad, and at that, Maddie had to smile.

He was right.

She did raise him. And looking at the man that her little brother had become, she’d done an amazing job at it.

“Thanks, Evan,” she said.

“No need to thank me, Mads,” he said, reaching across the table and grabbing her hand. “But I also wanted to tell you that Tommy and I… we were on a date last night.”

“Ooh, tell me about your date with the hot pilot,” Maddie said, suddenly feeling a little lighter and wanting to hear all the details of Buck’s night in with Tommy, alone.

“He’s… Maddie… He’s something special,” Buck said, a soft smile on his face, his eyes seeming to gleam with a brightness Maddie had not seen reflecting in them in a while. He looked… lighter. He looked… so happy. “I… the last time I felt this way about someone, I’d dated Abby Clarke. But this time around, I don’t know, it feels different. Not just because he’s a guy. But because he’s… There’s something about him that makes me not want to stop thinking about him, y’know? Y’know how you meet somebody, and you instantly click with them, and you know that they’re gonna be in your life for a very long time? That’s how it is with Tommy.”

Maddie nodded, smiling back. “Yeah, I do.” She recalled how it had been when she first met Chimney. Howie had brought her joy. And he still did. “So, what did you and Tommy do on your date?”

“I went to his house,” said Buck.

“And? Tell me more.” Maddie leaned in, interested.

“He showed me around his place. And… And God, Mads, he’s so cool. He baked me a pizza. From scratch. And he’s into sports; he’s a Devils fan, and… and what’s crazy is I don’t even care! And then we had dessert; he’d ordered a tiramisu from his favorite bakery, and we sat down on his couch, and we watched Sixteen Candles, and after that came Fight Club, and then he showed me Apocalypse Now, and… And we just sat there together, and… God… I-I’ve never felt anything like that before.”

“Not even with your other girlfriends?” asked Maddie, watching the way Buck smiled as he gushed about his first date with Tommy.

“No.” Buck shook his head. “I mean, Abby and I… Almost every date we went on was interrupted by her emergencies with her mom, and I-I know that that sounds terrible, but I mean, I was twenty-six, and that wasn’t the kind of relationship that I wanted to be trapped in, where the person I came home to dealt with the emergencies that we faced every day, where nothing could be separated. Ali and I never got that chance to really sit down and have a moment in front of the TV. Taylor and I… most of our nights ended with us in bed and her holding me, and she always brings her work home with her. But with Tommy… the night didn’t end like that. It ended with us on the couch, and I woke up the next morning to him making coffee. He’d gone up to his bedroom while I slept on the sofa. And he made breakfast. He’s… He’s so different from every other relationship I’d ever been in. Like… Like with him, our work is separate from the time that we share when we’re not at work, y’know? Like… Like we don’t have to worry about going out there being firefighters. We can just be us. Does that make sense?”

Maddie smiled. She could relate that to her own relationship with Howie, how they never felt the need to bring their work home with them, how their dinner table conversations were always about them and what they wanted, how their nights in were them ordering takeout from almost everywhere and sitting on the couch watching a movie. In lots of ways, she was happy that Buck’s first date with Tommy was a lot like that, because her little brother deserved that.

“Yeah, yeah, it does make sense,” she said. “And I’m happy that you got to experience that, Evan. But does that mean it’s officially over for you and Taylor?”

“She’s giving me the room to explore and see where things with Tommy take me,” said Buck.

“It sounds like it’s over to me.”

“I’m not quite sure yet. And I’m not even sure what Tommy and I are to each other yet. We only had one date.”

“But based on how you talk about that one date, I see there’s something different about you. You look happy.”

“And I am.” Buck smiled. “I’m very happy. Being with Tommy last night… It gave me a real sense of something safe. He was so careful, so thoughtful about everything. And he’s sweet. I really, really like him. So much.”

Maddie reached across the table and grabbed her little brother’s hand. “I’m excited for you.”

“And you don’t care that I went on a date with a guy?”

“Evan,” Maddie chided gently, “this doesn’t change anything. Okay? I promise.” She squeezed his hand gently. “Tommy makes you happy. That’s good enough for me.”

The ride to the various emergencies of the day was filled with conversations about Karen feeling like she was missing out on something; Hen explaining how Karen suddenly wanted to feel young again was something that Tommy could relate to almost too well. In hindsight, maybe he wouldn’t have enlisted in the Army. Maybe if he’d tried college, he could have partied a little bit and found himself sooner.

But when they got to one accident scene where a newly-divorced mom of three daughters fell into the ground at some site that hadn’t been updated since the Cold War, it was a call that was less than victorious.

It led to everyone needing to put things into perspective.

As Tommy sat in the locker room after having gone over the incident report with the chief, he thought of how things had been after his own mother had passed. She’d died young. The cancer had been stage three on the way to four when it was found. It seemed even before she died, his father, Thomas Sr., had it within his head that she was gone.

Tommy watched as his father slipped into a bitter depression. They were stationed in Arkansas at the time when his mother passed, and Thomas Sr. began to drink. He hid all of his drinking problems well from his commanding officers and lieutenants. Tommy recalled how he, Drew, and Katie were more or less left to fend for themselves; he was seven at the time, Drew was the oldest at seventeen, and Katie was fifteen. They cooked their dad his dinners. They made the calls to his higher-ups when he was so drunk that he couldn’t get up the next day. When they finally moved back to New Jersey, Thomas Sr. was honorably discharged from the Army, and nobody was the wiser.

He’d needed his father at the time. Except his dad had buried himself so far into his grief that Tommy and his brother and sister had no choice but to take care of each other because he wasn’t taking care of any of them.

Tommy could only hope that those three girls who’d lost their mom had a dad who was present. That would be the most important thing.

He was startled from his thoughts by a knock on the doorframe, and he peered up to see Bobby standing there, watching him solemnly.

“Are you all right?” Bobby stepped forward with what looked like a piece of his homemade banana bread loaded with chocolate chips and pecans.

Tommy sighed heavily. “Just thinking about those girls… The littlest one… she’s just a few years older than I was when my mom died.”

“You never told me that,” Bobby commented, sitting beside him and watching him with all-knowing eyes, those eyes that were somehow able to read Tommy like an open book.

“There was never any need to bring it up,” Tommy shrugged. “But Dad was never the same after that. He grew colder. Meaner. He was hard on my brother. On me. On my sister. If we ever so much as stepped outside his vision of what perfection looked like, it was never good. He’s always believed in structure. But it grew worse after we lost Mom. And for a man who believed in structure so much, he was the most unstructured mess I’d ever witnessed, especially when he would drink. He’d show up to all my hockey games drunk. Do you know how many times he drove me to practice intoxicated? How many times he got pulled over for a DUI? And there wasn’t a thing I could do about it?” He spat those words out like they were poison in his mouth. The shame that he felt about needing to carry his dad’s name was something that would never go away. For years, he tried his hardest not to be like his father. But in turn, he’d nearly turned into his dad as he pushed away everybody who ever tried getting close to him.

Howie.

Hen.

Even Bobby at one point.

Bobby nodded sympathetically. “I know the feeling. My father was the same way. But I idolized him. I thought he was a hero.”

“But he turned out to be less than that.” Tommy closed his eyes. “My dad… he missed out on so much of my life. I enlisted in the Army for him. Firefighting was one of the first things that I did for myself. And when he showed up that one time out of the blue, and he met that girlfriend I’d been dating at the time, I did that really dumb thing where I asked her to marry me.”

Bobby reached over and patted him on the shoulder. “Tommy, you do not need to say any more. I understand.”

Tommy swallowed hard, staring at the metal wall of lockers before him. “I hope those three girls are luckier than I was.” He remembered sitting with those three girls in the back of the ladder truck with Buck. The oldest of the three just looked solemnly out the window, trying to be strong for the two little ones, who wore the firefighters’ helmets, giggling and laughing and playing, carefree. It made Tommy wonder if Drew had felt like that after they’d lost Mom.

“Whatever happens next isn’t within our control, Tommy. You know that. Don’t agonize over the what-if. Take a piece of your own advice.”

“It’s hard not to.” Tommy felt his eyes mist slightly. He wasn’t one to cry often. He could almost hear his dad yelling at him not to cry. He remembered how his dad had whipped Drew with a belt when Drew shed a tear over the loss of his friend at the time, who’d died in a car accident. He recalled how Katie would get screamed at if she ever cried over anything. Seeing his siblings get abused over something as small as crying made Tommy harden up, refusing to allow anyone to see him shed a tear.

“I know. It’s easier said than done,” said Bobby sympathetically.

“Bobby,” Tommy whispered hoarsely. “Going back to what Hen said. About whether or not you’d want to change anything that happened years ago… if you could change one thing…”

“I would’ve gotten clean a lot sooner,” said Bobby regretfully. “But… But I also never thought I’d get a second chance and become a stepdad, either. So, would I trade May and Harry if it meant having Bobby Jr. and Brookie alive? It’s hard for me to say, because May and Harry are my world; I don’t think I could picture my life without either of them.”

“You never told me about your kids,” said Tommy, turning to face his captain.

“It’s not something that I’m proud of,” Bobby said, and Tommy knew that Bobby was about to unleash something that he’d never once told Tommy, or even Sal, but it was clear that he’d confided in Evan, Howie, and Hen about it, because while his eyes held a little bit of regret, there was also a hint of hope there, a brightness that had not been present when Tommy had been part of the 118 when Bobby was first appointed as captain. “There’s a lot that I would have done differently. I wouldn’t have gotten drunk and high that night. I wouldn’t have left my coat near that space heater. I wouldn’t have fallen asleep on that rooftop. I would’ve made sure that my apartment building wasn’t a death trap. When I first came to the 118, this place was my penance. But it’s become home.”

“I’m jealous of what it’s become while I was gone,” Tommy admitted.

“You’re part of it, too, Tommy,” said Bobby firmly. “No matter what, you’ll always have a place here. You’ll never have to earn that place.” Bobby patted him on the shoulder gently and pushed the slice of banana bread toward Tommy. “You look like you need it.”

“Thanks, Cap.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Bobby rose from his seat, but before he left, he turned to Tommy one more time. “Are you going to be with Buck again sometime soon?”

At that, Tommy was surprised. He hadn’t mentioned to anyone that he’d gone on his date with Evan a couple of nights ago. Feeling his face turning hot, he said, “Um… We’ve talked about it. Yeah… I’m heading to his place tomorrow night. And listen, Cap, I know that we haven’t talked much about it yet and that relationships should be kept outside of work and all, but…”

“But what’s there to talk about?” asked Bobby. “You’re good people, Tommy, and you’re good for Buck.”

“And how do you know that?” asked Tommy, shocked that Bobby was handing him his approval.

“Because we haven’t had to talk about it,” Bobby told him gently. “You saved my life that one time, Tommy. And at the time, I wasn’t in a good place. I was still agonizing over the one hundred forty-eight people I’d killed in Minnesota. Yet when you grabbed me by my turncoat, you pulled me out of Hell that night. You showed me who you were. That’s why I know you’re good people, even if you yourself don’t see it.”

At that, Tommy smiled. “Thanks, Cap.”

It was later during their shift that May and Eddie sat in Eddie’s office, watching the Rebecca girl discuss with her followers the importance of remembering what it was that you had, not so much worrying about what you were missing out on.

May couldn’t help finding the irony in it all. After discussing with Mom whether she should go back to college, she was even more confused than ever.

Eddie commented on how Rebecca’s live stream was unexpectedly deep as he turned the computer off, and May sighed, saying, “I guess it took a near-death experience for her to appreciate her actual life.”

Eddie turned to face her, asking, “Are you okay?”

“I just can’t believe she got to me, but… I’m wondering if I’m living my life for myself,” she explained to Eddie, remembering their conversation they’d had a few days ago in the breakroom. She felt Eddie’s gaze following her as she rose from her seat, saying, “I came to work here after my mom almost died. I was so afraid that something else like that would happen again. And I felt like she needed someone to look out for her.”

“There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect your family,” Eddie assured her, his voice steady and comforting, filled with the wisdom that only a father could have; May sometimes struggled to remember that Eddie was a dad, given how young he’d been when he had Christopher.

“But before all that, I wanted to be someone. A very specific someone,” May argued. “And… I think I’m losing that person.”

“Trauma often causes us to turn inward,” Eddie told her, seeming to speak from experience, and together, they shared a laugh before he said, “I guess therapy’s rubbing off on me. Look, you hid in a place you knew, where you could feel safe and keep your family safe. I understand the motivation.”

“Does that make me a coward?”

“I don’t think cowards usually ask that question.” Eddie gave her a thoughtful smile, his eyes reflecting nothing but kindness, no judgment.

“So how do I get back to that person I wanted to be?” she asked him.

Eddie just laughed, saying, “I’ll let you know when I figure that out.”

“So, I guess you and I are both stuck with that.”

“Yeah. We are quite a pair, May Grant.”

When Chimney walked through the door of his apartment the next morning after the 118 wrapped up their shift, and when he entered, he saw Maddie trying to feed Jee-Jee, who was stubbornly refusing her food.

“Hi, uh, your daughter has decided that she no longer wants to eat,” Maddie announced to him as she tried to spoon-feed Jee-Jee some pureed prunes. “Am I doing something wrong here?”

“She’s been real fussy about food lately,” said Chimney as he sorted through his mail. “Yesterday, she wouldn’t eat out of her bowl. So, I just poured some dry cereal onto her plate. She finally ate that.”

“She liked oatmeal a week ago,” Maddie said. “Fish sticks for breakfast?” she suggested, knowing that that was one of Jee’s favorite things.

“She never says no to those,” Chimney shrugged, knowing full and well how much Jee-Yun loved her fish sticks and mac and cheese.

“I will get you some fish sticks,” said Maddie to the baby, but when she set the spoon down on the tray in front of Jee, that was when they both noticed Jee holding her own spoon all by herself…

No wonder she was so fussy lately. She wanted to start feeding herself. Their little girl was growing up and finding her own independence, meaning it was now time for her to start learning to feed herself with her own spoon.

“Oh… Wait, are-are you… Has she…?” Maddie stammered excitedly.

“No, no, this is the first time,” Chimney told her, feeling his pride in their daughter soar to a level that he hadn’t felt since he’d seen her roll over for the first time.

“Oh, my gosh! You’re doing something for the first time!” Maddie exclaimed.

“Who’s a smart cookie?” Chimney asked.

“You’re a smart cookie!”

“Oh, God, this is a huge moment. I should document it.” But before he could reach for his phone, Maddie insisted against it, and he knew why.

She wanted this to be something that they could enjoy in the moment. Together.

Hopefully, this would be one of the many firsts they could enjoy with their daughter as a couple.