Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Deep in the lands of Zaron, the Humans of Kupa Keep and the Drow Elves of Larnion had been locked in a conflict so old, even they could no longer remember who truly began it. At the heart of this endless war lies the fabled artifact — the Stick of Truth — a relic so powerful, none have truly tapped its fullest potential.

News traveled swiftly on the wings of the Carrier Raven, whispered to both factions: a new family from the East had arrived, carrying with them the heir to fate’s design. And with them, a chance for peace... or total chaos.

For whoever controls the Stick, controls everything.

The scene shifts to Kupa Keep, a few seconds behind the home of one well-traveled prostitute, Liane Cartman.

The backyard had been transformed into a sprawling fortification, pieced together from cardboard walls and tarps stretched tight to form a “proper castle.” A winding trail, marked by ropes and especially large circular stones found by the boys, led from the back door.

Along the path stood a small vendor’s stall, usually tended by Clyde, a battle-hardened warrior credited with winning the Battle of Stark’s Pond. Nearby, a stable held imaginary steeds, being just wide sandbox featured wooden posts tied together with more ropes, serving as the training grounds.

Scattered throughout were handmade fighting dummies, a secretive “betrayal garden” where whispered plans were laid, and a calling horn, used to summon the services of the unaligned carriage.

“They’re in the back, would you like a brownie?” Liane’s voice speaks from the kitchen to a small young man making his way.

“No. But thank you ma’am.” The boy responds quietly and carefully.

“Of course, you have fun playing paladin.” Liane’s voice lifted in the air, being like melodic honey.

“Thank you!” Butters responded back as he made his way to the door.

Slowly the blonde male would slide open the back door. He was wearing a turquoise shirt, adorned with a golden shield symbol and dark blue shoulderpads made of foam. His pants match his shirt, being only clearly defined as separate by the brown rope tied around his waist and holstering his hammer. His dark blue cape flutters lightly in the chilly Colorado wind. His golden puffy hair kept swept upwards, to more clearly define his golden circlet and the purple gem on it. He finally slowly shuts the door, and then takes a deep breath, before running towards the fortress near the back of the yard.

“MY LORD! MY LORD MY LORD MY LORD!”

“What is it?! Lower your voice!” Cartman calls back, already fully in character.

Cartman was wearing a crooked turquoise wizard hat with a yellow rim for it, and a golden star marked with a smiley face on it. He was wearing a reddish vestment, with golden buttons holding his deep blue cape to him. Clutched in one of his yellow gloves is a large brown stick he chose to make his magician’s staff. An item pouch is connected to his turquoise belt. His presence demanded obedience from the humans currently present.

Butters shudders a bit before returning to sheepishness. He scratches the back of his neck before speaking up, having to fight through a stutter. He doesn’t want to anger the Grand Wizard, but this information is important.

“I was on my way after having my cere- uh… breakfast mead. And I saw a U-Haul outside next door!”

“What?! The new kid’s not supposed to be here for a few days! God fucking damnit! This is the last time we trust anything liberal media ravens tell us!”

“What do we do?” One of the humans calls out nervously.

“If we don’t act, the elves will get him!” Scott Malkinson speaks through his lisp.

“Silence!” Cartman shouts as he stamps his staff against the ground, before reaching into his pouch and downing a juicebox from it. “Okay. Butters. You’re the new kid’s neighbor. It’s least weird if you go over to ask them to play. You know what to do.”

“Yes sir, mister Grand Wizard sir!” Butters turns, tripping slightly on his cape before moving out.

“And while you’re at it, get me another one of these ales from the den. I am too sober for this.” Cartman states, acting like he’s somewhat woozy from drinking ‘ale’.

Meanwhile, like, two doors down. The Broflovski House acts as the “secret base” for the Drow Elves. The Elven Kingdom is far more open. There is an open vendor stall sat open and near an archery range. Near the back of the yard, a large tree has been fitted with platforms to sit on. With a treehouse atop the grand tree. Sat at the very center back is a platform to act as the throne of the elf king. Dotted around is growths of flowers, and tents for sleepovers, otherwise called 24-hour training. All throughout are outdoor lamps that are to turn on when night falls.

“Enjoy playing elves, Jimmy. And let Kyle know there are CapriSuns in the fridge.” Sheila Broflovski states to the entering boy as she was on her way out.

“Th-Th-Th-Thank you Missu- Thank you Missu-missus Broflovski.” Jimmy stutters out, moving as fast to the back as his crutches can take him.

After making it to the back he takes a few breaths. He was wearing a newspaper hat with a feather in it over his brown hair. His yellow long sleeve was being covered by the large green scarfing, and a brown satchel slung over his shoulder. His blue pants are tucked underneath his pointed brown shoes. His grey belt has a silvery buckle to it. Finally, he calls out.

“M-My Lord! My-my-my lor-lord!” Jimmy tried to cry out over a meeting between some council members.

“What are you doing?!” One of the council members speaks through a voice modulator.

“We’re in the middle of something!” Jason adds, glaring daggers into Jimmy. “Now’s not the time for your bardic jokes!”

Rabbling begins in the council before the high elf king raises one green-gloved hand. And silence fills the room. The momentary explosion ceases immediately as everyone looks at their king, Kyle Broflovski.

He was wearing his everyday orange jacket and green ushanka hat. But layered over the jacket was a dark red cloak with yellow accents, held closed by a brown rope that holds a baggie of smelling salts. Three golden orbs were attached to a string necklace around his neck. A crown made of tree branches and twigs, with some leaves still sticking out. His aura was calming, rather relaxed.

“What is it, Bard?” Kyle speaks, able to pretty well play the role of a just and calm-minded leader.

“I-I-I was en-en route from my home when I spied a ve-veh-vehiii… a vehic-...—A U-Haul! At the lot between the giggling donkey and the home of P-Paladin Butters!”

A ripple of shocked gasps ran through the council.

Jason furrowed his brow. “The new kid?!”

“That’s what I said!” Jimmy exclaimed proudly, pausing for a moment of dramatic flair. “I s-s-saw it... right before I left for here!”

The council went silent again.

Someone in the back muttered, “Wait—so you walked past it on your way here?”

“I did!” Jimmy beamed.

“And you didn’t think to stop by and offer them to play with us?” Chris Donnely angrily states as he grabs Jimmy by his scarf.

“I-I thought the plan was going to b-b-b-be-”

“Plans change like the wind, Bard.” Kyle states in a faux sage voice as he lifts his hand again. “Well Chris. You’re so eager to get the new kid. How about you introduce yourself, and show them the way here?”

“Don’t mind if I do!” Chris states, his curly golden locks needing to be brushed back slightly. “I expect a promotion when I bring him back!”

At last, the perspective shifts back toward Kupa Keep, then nudges just a few doors down the opposite direction. There, a two-story red house stands with a freshly parked U-Haul resting in its driveway. The last of the moving boxes have just been carried inside — the family now fully settled into their new home.

“Well, I think that’s everything,” said a man with warm, sun-kissed skin and a strong, steady presence as he carefully set down the last pair of boxes.

One bore the neat, elegant script Eli’s Stuff, while the other had Sofia’s Shit scrawled messily in a hurried hand — the “h” backwards, no less.

His wife, fair-skinned with soft features and light, slightly orange hair that caught the afternoon sun, smiled warmly.

“We did it, hon. We’re really moved in!” She reached over and wrapped her arms around him in a quiet embrace.

“It’s a new beginning for us, all of us. Things’ll finally be good!” The man emphasized good, thinking back to the trials and tribulations they both dealt with leading up to now.

Silence fills the mother for a moment before she looks up at the ceiling, trying to imagine the children upstairs. Her gaze caught her husband’s attention, who quietly holds onto one of her hands before speaking up quietly.

“They won’t look for them here.” He promises as he kisses her cheek. “So long as we don’t attract any attention. Come on, let’s go check on ‘em.”

The pair head upstairs before knocking on the doors on either side of the hallway. One marked “Eli” in the fancy font, and the other has a pentagram sticker lazily slapped on it. After some silence, the doors open.

Eli steps out first, wearing a pair of prescription glasses. His clearly dyed red hair was styled in a way to cover one of his eyes. He has a pair of grey pants, and a brown button up that’s insulated, with a black scarf that covers most of his mouth up. With some basic black gloves that came on sale with his scarf. He was as pale as could be, possibly moreso than his mother, due to a lack of proper sunlight. He was shaking, due to cold, and the nerves of being in a new place.

Sofia followed suit from her room, which did not have a light on. Her black hair is held back by small pigtails to keep it from getting in her face. She is currently wearing a white long-sleeve shirt underneath a purple shirt with a skull symbol on it, with some grey pants that match Eli’s, and a pair of black gloves. A two-for-one sale but she didn’t feel like wearing a scarf to match him. There is a look of sheer apathy on her.

“Heya champ, pumpkin, how are you liking your own rooms?” Their father speaks up in a chipper voice.

Silence is all that responds.

“Uh… I know it’s a big change for all of us. But do you… know why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?”

Silence. They seem to not remember, a relief to the parents.

“We want you two to have fun here. So how about you go out and play?” Their mother suggests.

“Yeah! Get on out there and play! Like normal kids.” The father adds on, hopeful that this is a good sign.

“O-Okay,” Eli speaks quietly.

“We left you some money on the kitchen counter. We’ll finish unpacking, so get out there and make some friends.” Their mother assures before stepping downstairs.

“Th-Thank you,” Eli speaks again.

Nothing coming from the world of Sofia. But that’s to be expected.

“We love you too.” Their dad finally says before leaving them to get what they need and head outside.

Silence filled the hallway as they just looked blankly towards each other. Then Eli nervously moves ahead. Sofia decides for the time being to walk behind her step brother.

“We should probably go.”

“Mhm.” Sofia responds flatly as she walks behind him. “Lead the way, freak.”

A gulp escapes Eli. He already didn’t like this. Now he has to be alone with the scary one. The pair begin to walk downstairs, going right for the door when their dad cleared his throat.

“Forgetting something, princess?” The man asks as he holds out two five dollar bills.

“Ugh… Thank you, dad.” Sofia grumbles out as she grabs the fives, handing them to Eli. “Keep a hold of these. These pants have really loose pockets.”

“S-Sure.” Eli responds as he slips them both into a pocket in his jacket, before zipping it shut.

“Be back before dark sweetie!” Their mom calls from the kitchen, getting the table put back together.

“Yes mom.” Eli tries to speak back before the door opens, hitting everyone inside with a bitter cold that’s going to take some getting used to.

Chapter Text

Eli holds his hand over his head a bit to shade his eyes. Giving his eyes, and his transitional glasses, a chance to adjust to all the light. Sofia tightly clutches her thumbs, trying to warm up her body a bit more from the feeling. Both failing pretty spectacularly due to the snow on the ground beneath them being incredibly cold and also appearing incredibly bright due to how white it is. The pair often disagree, but right now they agree on one major thing.

“Snow sucks dick.” The pair speak in unison before hearing a scuffle of some kind happening to their left.

It looked like a pair of larpers, wearing medieval-adjacent gear. Sofia lifts an eyebrow in confusion. Eli however was absolutely awestruck by the display.

“You shall die by my warhammer Drow Elf!” Butters declares loudly, crossing weapons with Chris.

“Nuh uh!” Chris declares as his sword is primarily just blocking the wimpy strikes Butters is currently providing.

“I banish thee to the forest realm!” Butters shouts out, before his hammer gets parried out of his hand.

“No way, I banish you first!” Chris states as he begins to just lay into Butters with his wooden sword. “Ha-hah! You can’t hold up for much longer!”

“Help! Somebody!” Butters yells out, looking backwards down the street to another help as he falls to his back, being just pelted with blows. “I can’t hold out much longer! Heeeeelp!”

Sofia smirks at the sight, before looking down to see Eli looking up at her all pathetic. Clearly he wants to help, but knows the best case scenario is if Sofia does something. She glares down at him, but then hears the boy scream for help again. She sighs a bit and slowly walks down the sidewalk. Moving casually before suddenly kicking the elven assailant into the snow.

“Augh! Hey! That’s cheating! I’m gonna tell my mom!” Chris shouts out as he picks himself up from the snow and runs off.

“Keep running, blondie!” Sofia shouts after the boy. “Lest I put my yee olde boot up thine narrow punk ass!”

She dusts her hands off and glances down at the fallen Paladin. Butters stares up at her like she just saved his life—because she basically did. But then his eyes light up at the sight of Eli, who’s now offering a hand with a shy smile.

“Th-Thanks, friends. I didn’t realize he was riposting. Uhm- My name’s Butters the Merciful. I live in the house right next door to you! We should be friends!” Butters smiles excitedly.

“Not interested.” Sofia states flatly, before jamming her thumb into Eli’s side. “But this one might like another loser to hang with.”

“Well, the Grand Wizard is gonna wanna see you two! Come on! Let’s play!”

“Grand Wizard?” Sofia mutters, squinting in suspicion. “Yeah, no. Probably better to find some other kids to hang with. I don’t want this one getting brainwashed by a bunch of pint-sized supremacists.”

Sofia turns around and grabs onto Eli’s wrist to drag him away to go looking elsewhere. Eli however was trying to stay hanging out with Butters.

“C’mooooooon Sofia. Mom and Dad wanted us to play with other kids. This looks like fun!” Eli tried arguing as he holds his wrist.

“Nah.”

A moment of silence fills the air. The only sound being Eli being dragged on concrete.

“You could get to hit more kids and get away with it.” Eli said, remembering who he’s dealing with.

Sofia freezes mid-step. A pause. A turn. A dangerous spark in her eyes. Then she whips around, still holding Eli's wrist, and starts storming after Butters — this time dragging her brother at double-speed.

“That’s all you had to say,” she mutters, excitement in her eye as they follow behind Butters, who leads the way.

“This way! Kupa Keep is just past my house, to the green one!” Butters was excited to have friends, and being full of questions. “How’re you liking Colorado so far? Where’d you come from? Is your hair naturally like that or…”

“Uh-huh,” Sofia cuts in, deadpan, stomping after him. The only thing on her mind right now is child-friendly, consequence-free violence.

Finally they make it to the house. Butters knocks on the door and waits silently. After a bit of time the door opens, revealing Cartman. He was currently sipping a juicebox in his full wizard garb.

“All hail the Grand Wizard!” Butters declares loudly to the two.

“D-Don’t fuckin’ say that so loud.” Sofia tries to not cackle.

“So, we have two new kids. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King!” Cartman declares, putting on a bit of a voice. “But the time for talk is not nigh. Come, let me show you our Kingdom.”

The overweight kid leads inside, followed by Sofia and Eli. Butters trailing slightly behind to make sure the door shut behind them. The walls of the building were yellow, with a green carpeting. Sat on a brown couch was a lady with tied back brown hair, wearing a blue shirt and some deep red pants. His mother of course.

“Oooh who are your new friends, Eric?” The woman speaks in a kindly voice.

“Shut up, mom.” Cartman responds as he leads through the kitchen to the backyard.

Sofia continues trailing, just hungry to get what she needs to do this shit. Eli glances up at Miss Cartman before trying to say his name.

“Don’t talk to her she’s not part of the game.” Cartman immediately halts Eli’s natural politeness.

Finally, the group makes it to the backyard, seeing the “kingdom” all set up, now with an additional pool set up with a sign on it that says the fountain of wisdom. But Cartman decides to give them the tour of the place.

“Welcome! To the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!” He leads down the path, stopping next to the vendor. “Our weapons shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior.”

Clyde is currently wearing a red button-up, marked with a flowing blue scarf. And there’s just a full on replica medieval helmet sat crooked on his head. Behind him is a number of axes and swords made of any old junk that could be found, with a few shields holding along the base of the shop.

Catman casually moves over, gesturing to the sandbox currently holding a cat and a boy wearing a green hoodie, and a sash with insulin and needles along it. The boy was just sat petting the cat.

“Here you can see our massive stables. Being tended by a level 9 ranger, Scott Malkinson, with the power of diabetes.”

Finally the makes his way to the very back, standing at the entrance of the ‘palace’ and gesturing to the final person.

“And here of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom.” Cartman covers his mouth a bit to whisper to the following pair. “Don’t ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it just seems to be how he’s rolling right now.”

Kenny was currently wearing his normal large orange jacket, but over it was a fashioned blonde wig over his head. And otherwise worn above his normal outfit is long white gloves that seem almost attached to the purple and white dress. A golden necklace holding three small stones, and some golden padding on the shoulders and crotch area of the dress that somewhat drags along the ground. He was really playing into the role, twirling a finger around some stray hair as he looks over at Sofia.

“Alright, cool. So how do we get in on this shit?” Sofia questions, arms crossed as her patience thins.

“First. Please tell us thy names.” Cartman declares out.

“Uh… I’m… I’m Eli.”

“So-”

Before Sofia can say her name, she is interrupted by Cartman.

“You have chosen Butthole and Douchebag.” Cartman smirks towards Butters for a reaction.

“What?”

“Welcome to the kingdom! Butthole and Douchebag! Now. You have four classes to choose from. Fighter, Mage, Thief, and Jew.”

“Fighter! Called it. I’m a fighter!” Sofia rubs her hands together as she exclaims, excited for the chance to beat heads in.

“Uh… Guess I’ll just be a mage.” Eli adds on. “That way we can adventure together with some synergy.”

“Barf. Nah, I’d literally rather hang out with the vendor guy.” Sofia retorts as their weapons and “outfits” arrive.

Sofia gets some padded and yellowish gloves, a red headband, and a sword made of glued together wood. Eli’s outfit is a grey headband, an old blue cloak, and a silver grin, with a small dinky stick to call a weapon.

“Now. It’s time to teach you the basics an-”

Cartman was cut out by a screaming voice.

“ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!” Butters screams as he runs back over from the fence door. “THE ELVES ARE ATTACKING!”

A group of elves force their way in through the gate. Being led by that blondie, Chris Donnely. Excitement fills Sofia as a chance to beat up Chris again. The elves immediately split up their targeting.

“An alarm?! Alright New Kids! Looks like no basic training, you’re gonna hit this ground running!” Cartman declares loudly. “Clyde! Guard the stick!”

“Aye aye!” Clyde shouts as he runs towards the tent.

“Aye aye? We’re not playing pirates, dickwad.” Cartman calls out to the fleeing Clyde.

A shrill shriek of excitement escapes Sofia as she charges towards Chris. Letting the sword kick up snow before her fist makes contact with Chris’ face. Two elf archers point at the girl before she leans backwards, the arrows cross each other.

“BROUGHT SOME BACKUP DANCERS BLONDIE?! GOOD! GONNA HAVE SOME FUN!” Sofia shouts out, spit escaping her mouth as she looked almost rabid.

Elves begin to just knock Scott back and forth with their small wooden swords. Not giving him a chance to fight back as Eli slowly gets closer, feeling around the pockets of his outfit before finding a Roman Candle and a lighter. Seems this is his fireball. He lights the small firework before pointing it at the elves, immediately lighting them up and sending them scattered, like a pack of roaches.

“Haha! Yeah! Go tell your Jew Overlord we’re packing real heat now!” Cartman shouts at some fleeing elves.

Butters and Kenny are just watching this go down. They were waiting for the order. But no, they’re just watching this pair of sociopaths beat up and burn fellow fourth graders. It was frankly horrifying.

“Should we… help them?” Butters questions Kenny, looking on in abject horror.

“I dunno man, they look like they’re having fun.” Kenny muffled out, dropping character for just a moment, only to then have to dick as an elf got THROWN at the cardboard castle by Sofia. “Dude these kids fuckin’ rule.”

“Yes. They’re our ultimate weapon to end this war.” Cartman declares, stamping his staff down once. “Once the Jew Elf sees how powerful our army’s become with these two additions. They’ll declare us the winners!”

They just continued to watch on as Sofia holds down Chris’ face to the snow. The entire time Eli is effectively going mad with power and the many, many roman candles he’s been given access to. Turns out he REALLY likes fire.

“Say uncle!” Sofia shouts down at Chris.

“Unc-” Chris is silenced by a faceful of snow before being pulled up. “Uncle! Uncle! You’re a goddamn psychopath!”

“And don’t you forget it blondie!” Sofia lifts up Chris, shoving him towards the door he came from.

Sofia lets out something akin to a warcry from the sheer adrenaline. Eli stops spinning in place finally to stand in place, only to throw up and fall on his ass. Roman Candles clutched in either hand and fully complete.

“Yeah! Yeah! Nananananana! We still control the universe! Hahahahahaha!” Cartman points at the fleeing elves.

Clyde steps out of the tent.

“It’s gone.” Clyde flatly says.

“What?...” Cartman turns slowly.

“The Stick of Truth.” Clyde explains. “It’s gone.”

Silence fills the backyard, before Cartman finally explodes.

“THAT WAS YOUR ONE GODDAMN CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!” Cartman’s face was red as he yelled. “Clyde, I hereby banish you from Space and Time!”

“What? No! You can’t do that!” Clyde shouts angrily.

“Yeah I can, you’re banished, and lost in space and time!”

“Yeah! Go home Clyde!” Butters adds, everyone angrily looking at him.

Clyde stares in frustration before dropping his helmet and just walking out of there. Head downturned as he scowls angrily. After some silence, the attention turns to the two new kids.

“Well it appears a new quest has already begun, New Kids. I need your help gathering my troops. The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we need my entire army to get it back. I’ll mark on your maps their locations. Princess Kenny and Paladin Butters will provide you support on your journeys.”

Chapter Text

With the new quest set before them, the pair step outside to have a small discussion. Eli remaining firmly by Butters, keeping him between himself and his sister. The job has already been split down. Craig should be the easiest so whoever goes by there will just swing by. Eli and Butters will get Tolkien, Sofia and Kenny will handle Tweek.

“You still got the 10 mom and pop gave us?” Sofia asks while glancing around, holding out her hand to drop some change into his hand. “Picked this up off the elves.”

“Oh! Yeah. I also got some loose change from the elves.” Eli responds as he takes it. “Why what’s up?”

“I don’t wanna work on an empty stomach. How ‘bout you, creep?” Sofia questions as she stares right at Eli, then turning her attention to their new friends. “Kenny? Butters?”

“Oh? Offering a lady a meal, what a gentleman.” Kenny speaks up, letting out a high pitched giggle through the muffle of the hood.

“I could go for some food, yeah!” Butters adds on excitedly.

“Then we’re all in agreement.” Sofia states, patting Butters’ shoulder. “You know this place, I heard there’s a Chinese place ‘round here. I want you to take him down, and get us some lunch. Then we’ll start our big amazing quest or whatever.”

“Yes sir! You can count on me!” Butters salutes.

Silence fills the air as Sofia tries to decide between correcting Butters or just moving on. She decides to just move on and head up towards Tweek Bros. Not like there’s anything else she can do at this point. Now that the menace is out without a leash, Eli and Butters decide to move their way out towards City Wok.

“Hope you’re having fun, new kid.” Butters smiles at Eli as they move along. “It’s real nice having someone able to hang out with me. But I guess, if you weren’t put on the bottom rung, you wouldn’t want to hang out.”

Eli glances over at Butters, before sighing lightly.

“Nah. It's not that. My sister’s just. A little intense.” Eli states casually.

“Sister?”

“Yeah. Sofia. That’s a girl.” Eli clarifies, glancing confused at Butters.

“Oh! Wow… Uh… We better not let Eric know. He has a no girls allowed policy.”

Eli just shrugs at that as they continue moving down the sidewalk, eventually finding themselves at Craig’s house and knocking on the door. Silence before the door opens.

“You lookin’ for Craig?” The father of the Tucker house says as he looks down. “Well he’s not here. He’s in detention. Somethin’ bout flipping off the principal.”

The door shuts and Eli lets out another low groan before sending a text to Sofia, saying what he heard. Sofia responds with a wall of poop emojis and then a picture of a stray cat, captioned WHAT IS THIS with three crying emojis. That seems about par for the course with her texting. He just slips his phone back in his pocket for now.

“Oh no! Craig’s grounded! We’ll need to gather the rest of the troops before rescuing him!” Butters states, thinking out loud as one does when LARPing.

Luckily the way to City walk was just down the corner, and a straight line from here. The two continue on. Butters randomly making commentary on different landmarks and how he was bullied at them. Typically physically. Eli… Was not keen on that. The idea of physical bullying. He decides he’ll just keep some Roman Candles on him for the time being.

Of course. The City was hastily covered with cardboard that said MONGOLIAN in red lettering. And when they step in, all the food items have City or Chinese replaced with MONGOLIAN in the same red text. Seems like a pretty standard occupation situation. The two walk over to place the order.

“Oh Herro!” Liu Kim, the owner, speaks in a very fake, very inappropriate accent.

“There is no way you are allowed.” Eli immediately clocks.

“We’d like some of the general tso’s chicken mister Kim!” Butters speaks up, causing a clatter sound from behind.

They turn to see the tables LINED with Mongolian adults, all seemingly male, all seemingly incredibly muscular, and to some extent larger than everyone else in South Park.

“Aha! Onry thing we serve is mongorian beef!” Liu Kim nervously states before whispering. “They conquered me last week. Act natural. They all live on top of the Peace Tower just outside.”

“Uh.... huh. Okay.” Eli looks up blankly. “So… If we… Do something about it. Will you give us the chicken?”

“Go up the tower, beat up their kids. It make them think this bad neighborhood and they move away. Do that, and I give you all the city wok chicken you can carry. Free.”

Eli was incredibly apprehensive at ‘beat up kids’, but he was immediately hooked at the words free food. He nods eagerly, being snuck the key in a to-go box.

“Thank you very much mister Kim!” Butters beams, bowing slightly with a goofy smile as Eli slips the to-go box under his arm.

The two then step outside and Eli looks his phone over. Does he tell Sofia that they have kids needing to be beat up? Then they turn and look up at the tower. How many stories high is this thing? And it’s full of kids they need to beat up?! This is going to suck.

“Alright. So… We gotta beat up a bunch of foreign exchange kids… For a white guy who thinks he’s chinese… To give us free take out?”

“Best not to dwell on the things in this town, Eli.” Butters assures, mostly for his sanity.

“Oh it is far too late, man. I’m gonna be dwelling.”

The door creaked open easily when Eli slid the key into the lock. Inside, a trio of kids waited in the dim hallway, faces unreadable but eyes sharp with anticipation. Suddenly, a deep gong echoed through the tower, and with a mechanical clunk, the staircase lifted up, sealing their exit. Eli’s heart jumped — no going back now.

Instinctively, Eli pulled out a Roman Candle, but his eyes darted around in alarm. The entire room was rigged with fireworks—brightly colored tubes and sparklers, ready to ignite at the slightest spark. One wrong move and the whole place would explode.

Before Eli could think, a blur of movement—a sword swung at him, slashing inches from his arm. He ducked, barely avoiding the blade. The sword belonged to one of the kids, their expression focused and unyielding. Eli’s mind raced for another spell, anything in his pockets that might help.

Meanwhile, Butters was locked in a fierce clash of metal with another sword-wielding child, the clang of hammer meeting blade ringing out loud and clear. Worse yet, a third kid, bow drawn taut, was aiming directly at Butters’ head.

Time seemed to slow as Eli’s eyes fixed on the archer, the arrow nocked and ready to fly. His breath caught. Desperation took over — he reached into his pocket, grabbed a handful of dust and grit, and hurled it toward the boy’s face.

The archer yelped, blinking furiously as the pocket sand clouded his vision. Eli dropped the Roman Candle and lunged, closing the distance in a heartbeat. His fist slammed into the archer’s jaw just as the boy staggered back, knocked off balance.

With the archer incapacitated, Eli turned back to the sword-wielding kid, adrenaline surging. The fight was far from over, but for now, they’d bought a little breathing room. And a new bow and arrows, Eli points a flaming arrow right at the swordsman that attacked him, firing once and catching him on fire.

Butters managed to win the small scuffle, before spinning, and throwing his hammer as hard as he could at the kid. Knocking the second of their targets down before scrambling to pick his hammer back up.

“Alright! Now I can give you a ha-” Before Butters finishes the third mongolian kid scrambles outside and rolls around in the snow. “That works!”

After just a bit of finnicking around, they found the mechanism to release the stairway. Leaving no way to go but up.

The pair make their way up to the second floor, immediately getting attacked from both ends by sword wielding kids. The two glance at each other, back to back, and Eli throws out a large amount of dust from his baggie, creating a cloud for them to hide within. Butters immediately knocking one of the kids into a gong, Eli covering the mouth of another before knocking them to the ground. The third gets shocked by lightning. And the fourth was too scared and confused to fight before being thrown to the floor.

“Mh. This feels. Easy.” Eli states, checking their pockets and finding a key, on top of some fresh change to carry around.

The pair make their way up to the third floor, it seems basically empty, with the exception being the strange dragon mural. It appeared to be blocking the door. There were clear buttons on the eyes.

“Oh! This is like a puzzle! We need to find a way up on them and press them at the same time. Then w-”

Butters was probably on the right track, but time is money, or in this case, free food. Two arrows fly, hitting their eyes. Eli just walks to the opening door. He wasn’t intent on doing all of that when arrows are basically free.

The pair make their way up to the top. Only to find the parents are now riding atop horseback. This feels incredibly out of their depth. Oh well, seems fighting’s the only way to go about this.

“Oh hamburgers!” Butters shouts out at the realization.

The Horde immediately start with firing flaming arrows at the pair. All Butters can do is scatter as Eli tries to brace for the hit. Trying to think of a solution. But he’s squishy, not built for bracing for arrows the size of his body. A cough escapes him as he feels the heat be all too much after just one. He’s trying to use the period between strikes to find some kind of solution. But it appears he’s gonna have to brute force his way through this one.

“Ngh… Alright. Fine. You wanna play with fire? Let’s see you get burned!” Eli shouts as he reveals a Roman candle, lighting and immediately lighting the horde up.

“You’re badly wounded! I got you!” Butters calls before rushing over, putting his hand on Eli’s shoulder.

Strangely the contact was all that was needed. It felt calming, soothing, cooling, just having Butters right there besides him. He felt himself actually become lighter from the contact. That boy’s magic or something. Moreover, he’s giving him an idea.

“Butters. We’re on the roof of a building full of fireworks. Have you ever seen Mulan?”

“Well sure I’ve seen Mulan! It’s one of my favorite Disney Movies.” Butters responds happily.

“Perfect. I need you to distract these guys. I got an idea.”

“Yes sir! For Kupa Keeeeeep!” Butters rushes over, hitting one of the men with his hammer, before they decide to pour some old sweet and sour sauce on him for humiliation, then one full on kicks him to the ground for the injury to add to that insult.

Eli was quietly glancing over a number of boxes. Some full of just really rancid old sushi, some having papers and documents about an incoming bulldozer. And finally. He found it. A box full of fireworks.

Butters stands up, holding his hammer up to draw on the power of the storm, but he was quick to realize that cloud was actually a bunch of arrows. Causing him to have to try running, only to then get kicked by one of the men’s horses. The small blonde boy chows down on chips to use as a potion, and stands up. He was keeping their attention. It’s almost as though he was born for the role of punching bag.

And he was ready to take on another beating, braced for the horde rushing right at him. Only for a loud whistle to get both sides’ attention.

Butters glances over as the horses stop moving. Their attention being put on Eli, who just finished gathering up moldy old sushi to add to the fireworks. He reveals his lighter, flips it open, flicks it on, then drops it right on top of the box before kicking it over with a smile on his face.

“Special delivery! Courtesy of Mister Kim!” Eli shouts out.

“WHOAAAAAAA!” The men all scream in unison as the stench of burned old sushi fills their nostrils, and the fireworks effectively envelop them.

“HAHAHAHAHA! BURN THE SKY! BLIND THE EYES ABOVE WITH YOUR BEAUTY!” Eli giddily screams out, holding his arms up at the fireworks.

This action had an unwarranted reaction. All the fireworks in the building were going off. It was coming down, and the Mongolian occupants are now fleeing.

“We have to go new kid!” Butters screamed out.

“LOOK AT IT BUTTERS! IT'S BEAUTIFULLY BLINDING!” Eli shouts in excitement. “I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THESE BEFORE!”

Butters ends up having to grab Eli, dragging him down the stairway as the whole building is engulfed in fire and colors the young sheltered boy had never seen before.

Finally, they burst out of the bottom entrance just as the top floor exploded in a final deafening BOOM, sending a shower of burnt chopsticks and glittering embers into the sky.

The two boys rolled into the snow, coughing, laughing, panting. Eli’s hair was sticking up in several directions from static and singed tips. Butters’ face was streaked with as, but marked with a satisfied look of victory.

“WOOOOO!” Eli exhaled, splayed out on the sidewalk, staring at the firework-scarred sky. “Butters… that was the greatest five minutes of my entire life.”

Silence fills the sky before Butters realizes something Eli had said.

“You’ve never seen fireworks before?”

“Mmh. No. Everywhere I lived, I had to stay inside. I was told that the sky was watching me.” Eli sheepishly admitted. “Actually. You’re my first friend, like, ever.”

Butters just let the moment of silence remain. His first friend? The Sky was watching him? That’s terrible. Butters silently decided he wants to do something nice for his new friend. After all, if he’s this kid’s best friend, it's his responsibility to treat the status with respect.

After some time they sit back up, then return to standing. And head back to the City Wok. Walking inside, all the changes have already been reverted, and there were four bags full of food items.

“Here you go kids! All the City Chicken you can carry! You earned it! If you ever need any help, call me. I’ll be right there to help you kick someone’s ass.”

“Thanks Mister Kim.” Eli muttered out as he lifts up the bags. “Whew… Okay. Wow… We still have to buy drinks.”

Chapter Text

Sofia and Kenny began making their way up towards Tweek Bros Coffee. Should be a simple mission, get in, let Tweek know its game time, then leave. She won’t even smell the coffee with how quick she’s going in and out of there.

After making it inside, she glances around and sees Tweek nowhere near the front of the coffee shop. But she sees a door to the back for employees only. That’s where he’s gonna be.

“Welcome to Tweak Bros Coffee, Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It’s local coffee, produced locally.” The man at the front says.

“Say local again.” Sofia grunts out as she heads towards the back.

“Oh you must be Tweek’s friends. Well. He can’t play right now. He still has chores to do.” The man who is now easily identified as the dad says firmly.

“Ugh. Alright. If we help your crotch spawn finish his chores, can he come play?” Sofia questions.

“Well it would be nice having an unpaid intern help around. Especially a local intern. Local. Like Twe-”

Sofia was already gone and heading through the back door as Mr. Tweak continues talking. She can hear him muffled through the wall, staring forward into space as he monologues about his coffee. She can’t help but wonder WHAT is in that shit to make him act like that. Once through the door, Sofia and Kenny look in at Tweek, whose basically manning the whole back area by himself.

“HAH! The new kid’s here?! Already! We weren’t expecting you for a week! Oh man! The Wizard King’s gonna kill me!” Tweek was hurriedly getting things done. “Huh? Wait- no. He sent you to get me?! Shit shit shit! I’m nowhere near done!”

“Uh. Hey. Anyway we could… Maybe… Somehow. Help you get out of here?” Sofia offers quietly.

“A-Ah! I know! The pickup! Kenny! There’s a pickup by your place! Get that, while I finish here, and I can play! Please!”

“Yeah okay man.” Kenny muffles out before taking the order.

With that, they step out. Continuing down the way as Mr. Tweak continues rambling. With the door shut, Sofia shudders in annoyance. Turning her attention to a weird ugly cat. She lets out a small chuckle and takes a picture of the thing. She knows exactly who to show it to, at the same time, she got a message from Eli saying Craig was in detention.

What a better way to respond? Poop emojis. Like five lines worth of poop emojis. And then. A picture of the cat, with a caption saying WHAT IS THIS with three crying emojis.

A little chuckle escapes the girl before she turns, and then sees a man hiding in a bush. She lifts up the sword to hit the guy before she recognizes…

“Is that Al fucking Gore???”

“Yes child! Its me! Al Gore! Former Vice President of the United States! And I need your help fighting ManBearPig.” The older man says loudly.

“ManBearPig?... You mean Climate Ch-”

“Dude just go with it, we call it ManBearPig around here.” Kenny muffles, cutting out Sofia.

“That’s… That’s stupid!” Sofia loudly exclaims. “No! I don’t intend to help with a fictional ridiculous facsimile of a real world problem!”

“Please true believer! If you change your mind take these sensors to important corners of town and install them.” Al Gore hands over three devices.

“I’m here to get a kid out of his chores so he can play dungeons and dragons. Not run around town and play pre-... Alright fine.”

She willingly takes them. And decides to head towards the other side of town to install one, then maybe check on Eli after the fact. What else is there for her to do. If they’re going to be here for the foreseeable future she may as well pretend to play nice. Along the way she sees a priest sat on a bench. The man was sat quietly holding a bible.

“Oh wayward child. Please. Find your faith. Find… Jesus. He’s in the church and I cannot find him.”

“It’s called prayer, father dumbass.” Sofia responds in a low voice as she walks by.

“I think he means literally, dude.” Kenny muffles out.

“What do you mean… literally? What? No. Shut up. Just for that, we’re going to walk into the church, and if we find Jesus Christ of Nazareth I swear to god.”

The two make their way towards the church, but not before finding an ipad left behind on a nearby bench. Seems it belongs to one Kevin Stoley. Possibly something for later. But with the door open they see a large empty building. Triumphant, Sofia gestures at the whole empty building. Only to then hear a voice.

“Tee-hee-hee~”

“What the fuck was that.” Sofia quietly asks as her eyes dart to Kenny.

“I think that’s Jesus dude.”

“No. Shut up. Don’t… Jesus, in the possibility he is real, would have died like, two thousand years ago or some shit.”

The two walk in and eventually, they look underneath a pew, and see him.

“You found me! I hope you didn’t peek!” Jesus says as he stands up, glowing and ethereal and shit like that. “I’m so glad to see a new face in South Park.”

There was silence as Sofia stares up in utter confusion.

“Hi Jesus.” Kenny says as he waves.

“Hello Kenny.” Jesus responds, as casually as Kenny did.

“WH-DON’T FUCKIN’ DO THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW!” Sofia shouts, shaking Kenny like he owes her money.

“I know, it’s hard to come to terms with, but South Park really is a magical and wonderful place. I really think you’d enjoy this place, Miss Gutierrez.”

“DO NOT LAST NAME ME RIGHT NOW! WHAT?!”

“If you ever need help with a situation, do consider calling on me for aid. I will help all, even my most lost lambs. Unless you need money, in which case, go to a bank.”

Jesus pats her head before walking out the door. Like nothing happened. Sofia remained bewildered before quietly deciding to just pretend she didn’t see or experience any of what happened. Sofia and Kenny silently walk back outside of the door. She heads to Stark’s Pond and just slaps one of the ManBearPig detectors on a dial of some kind. It was taking her everything to not just try breaking something.

“Hey. This Kevin Kid. Where does he live?”

“Oh right this way.”

The two just walk along the pathway past the school. Kenny humming in that false high pitched voice. It was rather silly, rather goofy. But Sofia can’t deny, this guy willing to play the only girl in the game was something else.

For a moment her mind drifts, and her eyes also drift to a flower patch. She quietly picks out a small handful. Clearing her throat.

“Hm?” Kenny sounds before turning back. “Are those for me? Tee-hee-hee. Thank you~”

Kenny quietly takes the faux-bouquet. Smiling past the hoodie and leaning in to give a “kiss” on Sofia’s cheek. Sofia turning to allow him to do so. She felt strangely nice with this stuff. Then, her eyes turn to an approaching group of elves. She uses a hand to suddenly push Kenny aside and behind her.

“Behind me, princess.” Sofia puts a little flair to her voice before her eyes graze along the elves. “Aw. Blondie’s not coming for thirds. That’s fine. I’ll let you tell him I’m thinkin’ of him.”

“We’re here to make you pay for how you hurt Chris!” One of the elves says in a nasally voice, holding a hammer in two hands.

“And we got real team synergy to make sure you fall!” One wearing a crown of twigs declares, throwing leaves into the air. “Wrath of Nature!”

Sofia could swear she sees the four kids’ muscles intensify. The ‘priest’ throws a rock that she basically has to hit out of the air like a baseball. But her reaction to that left her open to the Sentinel and Enforcer, crossing the longsword and hammer in a cross-slash effect that absolutely makes contact, the archers arrows also making contact. They are actually doing something other than running at her one at a time.

Sofia stumbles back as the coordinated strike lands, a sharp sting of impact surging through her ribs from the hammer’s blunt edge. The paint and foam might be fake, but these kids were putting effort into selling the hit. She grimaces, skidding across the grass before planting her feet and slamming her sword into the ground to catch herself.

“Ngh… Alright. So they learned teamwork. This is gonna be hard.” She bites a ketchup packet she was handed to swish around in her mouth, and spit out like blood, a grin on her face. “Goooooood~”

With the elves surprised at her ability to still be here, the opening in their formation allows her to charge and punch the priest in the nose. She knows whatever strategy they have, it entirely is around this dickhead being awake to give orders. Now that he’s out of commission, no more orders.

The three remaining ones stare in abject horror before the fighter turns her head. Moments of terror before the boys scatter like bugs. They’d rather ask the Elf King forgiveness for cowardice than have what one of their allies just got.

“He’s a monster!” One of the elves screams out.

“RUN!” Another screams out.

“Run run run, as fast as you can!” Sofia shouts after them, before looking down at the whimpering Elf Priest. “I’ll let you leave. But you gotta let blondie know I’m coming for his ass.”

The priest cries as he holds his broken nose. Before getting up and running away. Sofia cracks her neck a little but before turning back to Kenny.

“Where we goin’ princess?”

“Actually man, let me just take it down to Kevin. It’s probably safest if you not go there. He’s a nerd and you’d smell blood in the water dude.”

Sofia groans in annoyance before handing off the tablet. Deciding to just lean against the brick of the school. Her facebook was currently alight. Faces of people she maybe passed on her little journey. A sigh of annoyance escapes her as she just accepts the requests en masse. Why not? They’ll all just resend them anyways. Just like the last town. And she has no interest trying to do mass blocks this time.

As time passes, she hears a series of massive eruptions. Her eyes immediately go from half-lidded to as wide as can be. She steps away from the wall a bit to adjust and see where that’s coming from, before seeing the tower of peace was seemingly exploding. That’s definitely near that chinese restaurant.

Without thinking, Sofia bursts down to the sidewalk to run towards the location. Whatever’s happening, this means Eli is in danger, and dad would kill her if he gets hurt.

Chapter Text

Sofia’s boots crunched in the snow as she and Kenny tore down the sidewalk, the cold air biting at her face. She rounded the corner, heart pounding, half-expecting to see smoke still curling from the Tower of Peace.

But instead she’d find fireworks just flying all around. Eli and Butters walking down the street in her direction, both holding bags of city chicken and sodas they managed to get from Skeeter’s Bar.

“What the hell happened?” Sofia questions as she stares down the two boys.

“Mh. Got some chicken. Got it free actually.” Eli says happily as he holds up the bag. “Just had to do… some chores for the owner.”

“Uh-huuuh… So. You’re okay? Not hurt?” Sofia asks as she glances Eli over.

He was smiling. That’s something they really didn’t see often in the east coast. It was… Good to see him not looking absolutely miserable.

“We’ll talk more after we find a spot.” Butters offers. “I know, let’s go to the benches over by the City Hall.”

Sofia glances at Kenny, who shrugs. A sigh escapes her before she nods. The four begin walking down the corner to cut by the Police Station. It was just a short turn and a brief walk from there. But as Eli glances around to get more used to everything. His eyes suddenly lock onto the Police Station.

“Dulcis puer… Dulcis puer…” A series of layered vaguely female voices echo around inside Eli’s head.

For a moment everything around falls dark as his breathing freezes. He can’t move. It feels like chains are tangling and coiling around his body. Pulling his limbs to the earth.

“Mater dormit, exspectat…” The voices continue, crawling into his brain like some kind of bug.

“Eli…” The voices now say, before chanting slowly. “Eli… Eli… Eli…!”

“Eli!” Sofia shouts from ahead.

When he comes back to Earth, Eli was holding tightly to the bag of chicken, his breathing quickening before he stares forward like a deer in headlights. Kenny and Butters look at him with concern on their faces. He can’t help but look back at the station, before clearing his throat.

“Sorry. I just… Thought I heard something familiar.” Eli blushes in embarrassment before following behind.

As the four continue. Sofia can’t help but slow down to stay closer to Eli, her hand casually resting along his like when they would travel around before they moved here. Kenny continues to randomly glance back before they finally arrive.

Once at City Hall however, they would find a group of three sixth grade girls standing around one in their class. Throwing around a doll that she’s trying desperately to catch.

“Give it back! Give it back!” The blonde girl begs as the toy gets tossed from a girl with a red cap to one with a grey hoodie.

“Why don’t you make us?” One of the older girls barks back.

“It’s my Justin Bieber Toy!” The smaller girl argues.

“Not anymore, it’s not.” A heavier girl wearing a blue headband to keep her black hair out of her eyes retorts.

The four kids look between each other. Fighting sixth graders isn’t exactly a good idea. But, Eli steps over, letting the bag of chicken stay with Kenny for the time being. Having an idea. He casually moves by, bumping onto one of the girls before continuing to walk.

“Agh! Hey!” The girl with the baseball cap shouts before grabbing Eli’s shoulder. “Watch where you’re going ya little prick!”

Eli doesn’t even blink — he whips a roman candle from his jacket pocket and fires it straight at her face. The hiss and pop makes her yelp, dropping the doll as her hands fly up.

He catches the toy before it hits the ground. “Thanks,” he says flatly.

That’s all the opening Sofia needs — she steps in and drives her boot right between the bigger girl’s legs.

“Wha–?! Fourthies are trying to pick a fight!” the bully wheezes, singed eyebrows and all.

“Somethin’ like that.” Sofia speaks behind gritted teeth as she holds her wooden sword excitedly. “You wanna beat on a little girl, how ‘bout you give me a shot?”

Eli quietly stops by the small blonde girl and hands her her toy. A smile on his face before he glances up. Deciding against fighting further. He doesn’t want to get between Sofia and some meat.

The trio of sixth graders move on demon time. The big one screaming out to confuse Sofia as the red capped one goes for a gut punch. After the hit, the one with the grey hood does to slam her fist against Sofia’s face. Only for her hand to suddenly make contact with the wooden sword, and splinters to mark her knuckles.

“Ow! You little fuck!” The girl shouts angrily before suddenly getting her neck hit by the sword with enough force to make it feel numb for a second, and then pain travels throughout her body.

“Catch her ass!” The baseball cap wearing girl shouts, rushing.

“Hold up.” Sofia says as she holds up her hand, before making it a fist, holding her other hand below it. “Roshambo.”

“What?”

“Roshambo.”

“O-kaaaaayyyy?”

The two hold out their hands. Rock… Paper… Scisso-

Before they can reveal their decisions, Sofia kicks the baseball cap wearing girl hard enough to put her to her knees, before punching her right in the face with enough force to make a tooth fly out. Her hands tightened into fists before she glares up at the heavier girl.

Said girl was not scared off. Actually she used this scare tactic against Sofia, spraying her face with mace.

“Shitstomp her!” The heavier girl says as her friends get up.

This sudden takeover now has the girls in charge. They’re all kicking down, stomping to try breaking something. That was until they all feel something pop in their pants. While they were distracted, Eli slipped a bunch of connected, lit firecrackers into their pants. And now they were trying desperately to get them out of there, the snapping and burning leaving welts on their skins before they are all blasted with a fire extinguisher, and the blue girl is slammed with said extinguisher.

“Nobody. Touches my sister.” Eli states in a low voice as the girls finally get scared away.

“You like picking on girls?!” One of the three shouts as they all run away, crying from the pain and humiliation, and at least one because their pants are now ruined from behind.

Sofia grunts as she sits up, spitting out a bit of blood before seeing a hand lower down to help her up. A sigh of annoyance escapes the girl before she takes it, getting helped up.

“Th-Thank you!” The girl speaks up in a squeaky voice. “I’m Annie. And uh… I’ll never forget how you helped me.”

She hurriedly moves to kiss Eli’s cheek before glancing over and noting how Sofia definitely could use a makeover. If she didn’t know better she’d assume Sofia was a guy. Eli blushes and holds his cheek as the girl leaves them there. Finally, they could eat their food in peace. And after that, they’ll finish the job.

Chapter Text

After about thirty minutes of just stuffing themselves, the kids now had bags worth of chinese takeout leftovers, and trash. Eli was wiping his mouth off with a napkin. Sofia meanwhile was basically using her sleeve before clearing her throat lightly. Then a thought crosses her.

“Hey. Since I gotta head down to Kenny’s to pick somethin’ up. I’ll just take the rest home. They’re probably hungry too.” Sofia brought up, taking the remaining bag that had untouched food.

“Huh? Y-Yeah. Probably. But they’d probably be made if they knew how we got the stuff…” Eli mentioned, thinking to the fact that their parents filled up on groceries.

The two look to each other, trying to think of what to do. They were taught not to waste food. And no matter how they think of it, the food will end up being wasted. Their two parents won’t be able to eat the whole thing.

“My family could use some of it.” Kenny raised a hand and mumbled out behind his hood.

“Yeah? Alright! Let’s split the stuff. Empty one of the bags.” Eli eagerly stated before looking for a trash can nearby to drop off the used stuff into.

After a moment of depositing the contents of one of the trash-filled bags into the can, the portions were split up. Four boxes were put into the newly empty bag, the remaining boxes will just be given to the McCormick Family.

“Sweet, thanks dudes! Karen’s gonna love this!” Kenny says excitedly, not used to kids being willing to give things over.

And with that, Kenny and Sofia head back towards the block of the new home, dropping off the smaller bag to their parents, and then to make their way to the McCormick house. Eli and Butters are left there sitting for a moment before the red-haired boy pushes to his feet.

“We better get moving, that rich kid’s not gonna get himself out of his ivory tower.” The boy casually says as Butters begins to follow behind him.

“Yeah. I think we’re going to need to get past his guard.” Butters says in that chipper voice of his, trotting behind Eli. “We might have to ask him really nicely if we can get by.”

“Heh. Yeah. Something like that.” Eli states, before his mind draws back to that voice. “Hey Butters. What’s South Park Police like?”

“Well how about we ask him? Hey there Officer Buttbaby!”

“That’s Buttbrady.” The man standing in the middle of the sidewalk states loudly. “Wait…”

Butters giggles a little bit at the reaction he got from Barbrady. It wasn’t hard getting him all confused. Eli glances up at the… clearly slow-witted man. This was a police officer in this town? Maybe that was just his imagination playing with him again. Back there. He takes a deep breath before walking by.

“Have a good day Butters and new person.” Barbrady states loudly as they continue on.

Finally they make it to the Black Residence. It was a really nice looking house. Probably the nicest in all of South Park. There was a small entryway that was being blocked by a man. A large heavyset man with a receding hairline, said hair is a light brown. His clothes are clearly designed to look like that of a cop, but bold yellow wording says SECURITY over one breast pocket.

“This is a private domicile, please move along.” The man states as Eli and Butters stands there.

“We’re friends with Tolkien!” Butters tries to explain.

“Then you can make an appointment to come by with his parents.” The man responds casually as he stands there.

“Alright, that’s a bit ridiculous. We’re just coming to get him to pl-”

PFFFFSSSSHHHH.

“AGH! FUCK!” Eli shouts out as he backs up, almost falling into the road before Butters grabs him. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT?!

The man holsters the pepper spray like it was a gun. Like he’s protecting these rich dickheads from the ever-so-dangerous lower middle class. He returns to checking a checklist on a clipboard.

“Move along sir.” The man states coldly.

Eli could barely see, his nostrils were burning as his fingers were coiling. It was taking him everything to not just throw every single roman candle he has on him at this lunatic. Butters searches pockets before using a tissue to dab the spots up.

“Oh, hamburgers… Are you okay buddy?”

“Ugh… Yeah. Yeah. Just fuckin’ peachy. Some rent-a-cop flunky just maced me with enough capsaicin to permanently damage my already fucked up eyes even further.” As Eli speaks, his vision begins to slowly return. “This ain’t over, I’m coming back, and when I do, I’m making you go bald, old man.”

“Move. Along.”

With that, Eli does move along. He needs to figure out where to go. Then a lightbulb goes off over his head. Literally in this case because the guy outside of the nearby theatre just put in a new one.

“Finally. I told them it needed changing.” The man says with a lisp. “Oh, hey kids. Sorry you can’t come in because there’s an R-Rated movie playing and you’re far too young and immature to experience Rob Schneider’s magnum opus.”

The man just walks back towards the theatre booth, and Eli grabs Butters to talk near the edge of the theatre.

“Butters. That place, Jimbo’s Gunstore. Think they can sell me something?”

“Oh jeez, Eli. I don’t think getting a gun is the right idea here. Can’t you just learn to forget and forgive?” Butters responds in his usual, Butters mannerisms, holding his hands in front of him and twiddling his thumbs.

“He peppersprayed a minor, Butters,” Eli reminds, “but no… The plan is going to be get something to wear he can’t spray me through, then set his ass on fire for trying me again.”

After some time, they’re now at Jimbo’s guns. Eli was admiring the firepower present. But nothing here was what he wanted. Though he liked the looks of one thing. As Butters remains by the door chatting idly with Jimbo, Eli steps towards the counter, setting down a gas mask and some fireworks.

“Hey kid, are you old enough to be using fireworks?” Jimbo asks.

There was a beat of utter silence as Jimbo looked at Eli, Eli looked at Jimbo, then Jimbo looked at Butters, Butters looked at Eli, Eli looked at Ned, Ned looked at Jimbo, Jimbo looked at Eli. And then, he scans the fireworks.

“Your total comes out to $13.38.” Jimbo says.

With that, a ten and a five were set down, Jimbo giving the change and Eli is finally able to leave. Stepping out and trying on his brand new gas mask. Breathing rather heavily through it. It was definitely hard to breathe through. But it’s worth it for getting past that security guard.

“Ya know, Eli. Most people just say please.” Butters quietly tries to get Eli to relent with whatever’s about to happen.

“Most people don’t get maced as kids for the crime of asking to play with another neighborhood kid.” Eli retorts, sharpening his wand a bit to make it hurt more when he inevitably stabs that man with it.

The two continue moving in, getting a message from Cartman to ask how things are coming along. Eli sends a very long rant in response, half the words not in any knowable language. And all they get in response is Cartman saying ‘incomprehensible, have a good day’. Finally, they were standing back where they were a few minutes ago. Eli walks over, readying his lighter. Once… Twice. It wasn’t lighting. Thrice…

“I warned ya. I warned ya.” The man states casually as he readies the pepperspray, only… It doesn’t work. “What the fuck?! Oh no!”

On the fourth press, the lighter ignites, and a roman candle would be erupted right on the man’s face, before he stabs the guy in the knee, breaking off his “wand” and then punching the man twice right in the nuts. A gasp escapes the large man as he’s forced to fall to his knees.

“Move… Along…”

A victory to be sure, but now Eli is without his wand. Oh well. He starts walking by before stopping, and farting right in the mans face. Finally drawing a small giggle from Butters, the way the fart had enough force to shake the man’s unconscious body.

With nothing in his way, Eli walks up and knocks on the door to the Black house. Finally, a young african-american boy answers, wearing a purple shirt with a yellow T on it and some simple dark blue pants. He glances over to see that the newest guard got beat up pretty badly. That did not take long, but then his attention returns to the new kid.

“What’s up?” Tolkien questions before taking the letter being handed. “Oh? The elves got the stick huh? One second.”

The door closes, leaving the two boys to wait. Until the door opens to reveal the young man wearing a purple puffy vest over a white baggy sleeved shirt, His brown gloves marked with yellow sun-like symbols, and cuffed using black rubber bands. A series of silver butter knives being looped into a black belt with an orange circular buckle. His pants worn now are orange, and tucked into his black boots.

“Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!” He hands back the letter before turning his head. “Maaaaa! Can you drive me to Eric’s house?”

Eli sighs a bit before walking back, and then turning to the man who was on the ground, and smirks. He can’t admit he got beat up by a kid. Because on top of being humiliating, he’d need to give the exact flow of events that led to that kid beating him up. And that’d make him look worse. The man was lifting his head, seems the fart was bad enough to wake him, but he’s still rather messed up.

“Hey old man. I think I’m gonna. Move along, now. But remember next time I come around what I can fuckin’ do to you.” Eli speaks through the filter of the mask, giving a rather creepy effect to his voice. “And if I need to get my prescription updated because of you, I’m going to come back.”

With that last threat, he decides to just leave it at that. Returning to Kupa Keep for the time being. He’s going to need a new wand.

Chapter Text

After breaking from Eli and Butters, the duo of Sofia and Kenny just continued their way down towards the main street. Making a turn and eventually ending up right outside the red house the new kids call home. Sofia walks over and knocks on the door. Her father was the one to answer it.

“What’s going on?” The man questions as he looks down to see her holding a bag. “Oho. you kids got us something too? You really didn’t have to pumpkin… Where’s your brother at?”

“He’s hanging out with another kid, Butters.” Sofia admits as she hands the bag over. “He was smiling when I last saw him.”

That brought a smile to the father’s face before he pats her head a little bit. A small reassuring thing before looking over to see Kenny wearing the dress. He wasn’t going to judge, it’s clear they’re doing a medieval game. And there’s no way his daughter was going to willingly wear a dress.

“Alrighty sweetie pie, just make sure to come home before dark.” The man says before gently shutting the door.

“So that’s your dad?” Kenny mumbles out, walking to lead the way to his place now.

“Yep. That’s my dad.” Sofia admits as she remains in line, walking in sync with the dressed boy.

Eventually they pass the tracks. And things immediately become far, far shittier. It didn’t take much longer before they stopped outside of the basically falling apart house on the bad side of the tracks. The McCormick House. The ONLY house out here by the looks of it. As all that remains is a sea of garbage, scrapped vehicles, and the smell of something having been set on fire.

Sofia just stares on in shock that this is the condition that Kenny has to live in. If she had known she probably would have just given them the whole thing, and skipped her own lunch. A pang of something hits her before she takes a deep breath and follows as Kenny knocks on the door.

Answering the door is a woman with red hair, wearing a yellow-green shirt that just says ‘I’m with stupid’. It was rather humorous of a shirt. But this woman looked exhausted, possibly put through some shit. Kenny holds up the bag of City Chicken.

“Oh Kenny. How did you manage that?” The woman speaks down in a tired voice.

“The new kid gave it to me!” Kenny says as he points at Sofia. “Two new kids, and they wanted to share!”

“Well that’s very charitable. What’s the catch?” Carol questions, feeling there’s something to this.

“Just uh… Wanting to be friendly, Ma’am.” Sofia tries to mutter out, she wasn’t used to talking like this with anyone. “We were also sent to get something for Tweak Bros.”

“Oh! That? Well you didn’t need to pay me for it. Just talk to the friendly fellas renting our garage.” The woman speaks as she takes in the food. “Gotta get this preserved and portioned. This could last us…”

She just closes the door, allowing Kenny and Sofia to open the garage door. And inside was a meth lab. Because of course the renters were running a meth operation out of another family’s garage. Three of them by the looks of it. A gruff looking man steps forward to take the note from Sofia.

“Hey… You’re not the usual kid that picks up the package…” The man states before thumbing through the envelope.

“Oh shit. It’s a cop!” A more paranoid one says before breaking a bottle.

The three homeless meth dealers stand ready to attack. Their leader holding a large looking pipe. Sofia’s eyes graze along the pipe. That could do some nasty damage… Some very very nasty damage.

The one woman from behind the two men plunges forward with a knife, Sofia pushed out of the way by Kenny. Her eyes momentarily staring right into Kenny’s. Ba-dump. A strange feeling of euphoria fills the young lady before Kenny fires an arrow right at one of the men, getting him in the eye with the nerf brand pink arrow. Sofia slams her wooden sword into the knee of the attacking woman. This would be followed up with her grabbing a nearby bat and baseball, throwing the ball into the air to distract the people before slamming the bat against the back of the woman’s head.

“Mhhh… Let’s hurry this up, princess.” Sofia speaks in a small hushed hiss. “I want to take a moment just between you and me.”

“Teeheehee~ Oh to be left alone in the hands of such a brutish wa-” Kenny’s speaking was interrupted with a pipe being bashed against his head.

Sofia stared in abject horror as Kenny’s head hit the ground with a sickening thud. Then, she grabbed the man with the pipe by the balls. And she twisted, and twisted, so hard that something ripped, snapped. Her rage would be inescapable. The man falls to the ground, head inches from a burner stuck to the ground.

“Ow! Alright! You win! I surrender!” The man screams out.

“No. You don’t.” Sofia responds as she now stands over the meth dealer, grabbing him by his neck and slowly pushing him, inching him closer and closer to the burner.

“Wait! Wait! WAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT! PLEASE!” The man screams out.

“Please?... PLEASE?! You just murdered a child!” Sofia screams out.

The man with the broken bottle suddenly tackles Sofia, holding the bottle high into the air as he snarls.

“Yeah. What’s one more kid!” The other man speaks through broken teeth before a pink arrow gets him in the other eye. “Agh! Fuck! What the hell?!”

“Kenny?!” Sofia cocks her head to look.

Sure enough he was standing there. Wearing that silly dress over his outfit. His wig was replaced, despite it having fallen off when he got bashed. It was miraculous. It really should not be possible that he’s standing after that. And yet here he is.

“Get away from my warrior! You’re renting from my mom, and I’ll have you all thrown out into the winter!” Kenny screams from the muffling.

“Okay! Okay! We’re cool!” The man shouts, standing up and trying to avoid his eyes watering from the arrows hitting him.

“Okay cool.” Kenny responds as he puts away his bow and quiver. “Now. Where’s that package?”

“Right! Right here!” The man picks a baggie off of a shelf.

Sofia takes the baggie, then punches the guy in the nuts anyways, leaving him unconscious. Her fist tightened to a point of her knuckles whitening as the man whines on the ground.

“Hey dude can I put something on your roof so Al Gore leaves me alone?” Sofia asks.

“Sure, what the hell. Then we can uh… talk a bit more?” Kenny offers. “Maybe take the long way back to Kupa Keep?”

A nod is how Sofia responds before climbing through a hole in the garage roof to put up the ManBearPig Sensor. As she does, Kenny turns around and takes off the wig. Feeling the bleeding around his head, the way his skull was broken, but slowly knitting itself back together. Normally he needs to wait until night to respawn. But right now, he wants to try spending time with her as long as he can.

Right as he hears Sofia start coming back down, “Princess” Kenny puts the wig back on, using it to hide what’s happening from her. Trying to avoid her being aware of any of it. Not like she would, chances are tomorrow, she won’t remember if he did die. That’s how it happens, that’s how it always happens.

“Shall we go, my hero?~” Kenny puts back on the princess voice as Sofia steps down.

“Ohoho yeah. Lead the way, ma’am. How about I treat you to a coffee?... Actually… If this is gonna be in it I think I’m good on that front.”

“Me too.” Kenny giggles as they begin to walk out.

As they move along, for a moment, their hands make contact, twitching away a bit as their gazes are averted. Only one day and Sofia’s getting connected to a boy. And while Kenny’s certainly the most crazy for girls… Well, the fact he can hang with a girl and not worry about Cartman ripping on him is nice. They take a brief route through the park to make their way to the coffee shop.

“You know. Uh… Douchebag.”

“Sofia.” The girl playing barbarian reminds the boy playing princess.

“S-Sofia. Uhm… If Cartman finds out, he’d probably like… Kick you out. So… Let’s play pretend. Just a while longer?” Kenny was effectively asking her to not let Eric find out she’s a girl.

And for a moment, Sofia thought it over. If being a boy is how she’s going to hang out with Kenny, she might as well. At least until she’s got enough social standing to make the reveal and hopefully get out of having to play with Eric to hang with Kenny.

“Yeah.” Sofia says, before getting an idea. “Does your hero get a kiss, for being so great on this quest?”

“Pfft. Dream on dude.” Kenny waves it off, able to hide the blush under his hood.

Finally, they arrive to the coffee shop, making their way to the back room and get the secret ingredient to Tweek. His mother is manning the register right now because his dad was also in the back room with him.

“Oh! Thank god! My dad won’t be pissed at me anymore!” Tweek shouts out as he takes the bag and checks it over. “Hey dad! Got the delivery! Can I be excused now?”

“Let me check it.” Mr. Tweak responds as he takes the bag and gets a small amount on his finger, tasting it. “Oh yeah that’s the good shit. Alright Tweek. Run along and play. But be back before sundown or you’re grounded. Grounded. Like the locally sour-”

The trio did not even bother waiting to hear the whole thing, they were all gone. Tweek had already managed to somehow change. Mostly because his costume is just taking off his shirt, and wiping black paint on parts of his body to sell the barbarian vibe. His weapon of choice being a ladle he probably just uses at work. The three make their way and arrive to Kupa Keep around the same time as Eli and Butters. Tolkien managed to get there first because his mom dropped him off.

Finally, the group stands around in a circle at Kupa Keep, and Butters calls out for the Wizard King to know. He was currently sitting in his “castle” and waiting for the job to be done.

“The warriors of Kupa Keep reporting for duty!” Butters shouts.

Finally.

With a dramatic flourish, Cartman steps out. Moving down the pathway to look over.

“Ah finally, my- Wait where is Feldspar? Where is my thief, what the fuck?” Cartman dropped the act rather quickly, about as quickly as his temper needed to flare up.

“Craig’s in detention.” Butters admits sheepishly.

“Oh my god… If they locked our thief in detention there’s no hope of getting the stick back. We have to break him out.” Cartman regained that act in his voice.

“Oh god no! Last time we broke Craig out of detention him we all got in trouble!” Tweek screams in sheer worry.

“It’s a risk that we must take. Or more specifically, that Butthole has to take.” Cartman states as he puts a hand on Eli’s shoulder, leading him towards one of the dummies. “Listen. We need your skills, but I will not let you go unarmed. I will show you Magic. The magic of Dragon Shout. Douchebag, you should probably not be here for this since you’re gonna be super jealous when you see what we have Butthole doing.”

“Whaaaatever.” Sofia responds as she walks over to hang out by Kenny and Butters, just to chat as Eli gets taught this ‘magic’.

“Now before I show you. You must take the gentleman’s oath to never fart on a man’s balls. Farting on an enemy is fine but NEVER his balls.” Cartman explains before standing away. “Alright… Now I will show you… First, you suck in, like you’re breathing through your asshole.”

As Cartman explains further, a suction can be heard as he lifts his arms up. His stomach beginning to rumble rather disgustingly.

“And let it rumble around, feel it growl… and then- Dragon Shout!” A loud fart escapes Cartman, blowing down one of the mannequins. “Now… You’ll have time to train it. Like I showed you. I gotta go to the bathroom now though so have fun with that.”

Chapter Text

Preparation wasn’t going to take too long, and it was almost entirely up to Sofia and Eli to break Craig out of detention. They stop right outside of a window to their new school. They’re still technically not part of the student body, so they can’t get in trouble with the faculty yet. They do however look inside to see the number of children in detention. Standing in front of all the tables was a tall gangly man wearing a green shirt, and his head almost looked inflated. That must be Mr. Mackey, the counselor. And he looks pissed.

They would immediately spy Craig, or… Feldspar. It was clear because he was in his costume. A brown shirt and some grey pants that merge with the similarly colored shoes, a sash with a number of bags slung over his shoulder, and a cloak to really make him look stealthy. Also he was wearing a blue hat. He was checking his watch, knowing any minute he’s gonna be sprung out.

“Craig… Craig! This is detention! M’kay?! Stop lookin’ at your watch because you’re here for three hours buddy! M’kay?!” As Mackey orders, he slams his hands against the table he was sat at watching.

“Whatever.” Craig responds casually.

“Now don’t think your friends are gonna bust you out this time, Craig!” Mackey shouts again.

“My name is Feldspar. I am a level 6 thief, and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower.” He says, almost as if trying to get a reaction from Mackey.

“No your name is Craig Tucker and you’re in detention! Now start doing your homework, m’kay?” Mackey slams the desk again. “I got all the doors sealed, and hallway monitors working overtime. Nobody’s comin’ to save you this time, Mkay?!”

With that, the two know exactly what to do. Eli and Sofia grin at each other. They’ve never been able to cause trouble before with an almost certain means of getting out of it. And this was their first chance to properly raise hell. A whole school full of people nobody else in school likes? They casually walk towards the front door and shove it open.

“Excuse me!” A ginger says the second they enter. “School is out, and no student is allowed on the premises until 7:30 AM.”

The two just try to walk past him towards the hallway. The monitor blows a whistle and pulls out a lunch tray to use as a shield. He then reveals a pair of scissors that he’s going to use as a weapon.

“You are in violation of school rules! I’m going to have to write you a referral!” The ginger chirps out.

Seems a fight’s gonna break out. The Ginger Kid rushes and ends up actually cutting Eli’s shoulder with the scissors. A hiss escapes him before he takes a turn, going to the tried and true Roman Candle to blow up the Lunch Tray as Sofia gets down, doing a football tackle to headbutt the ginger right in the stomach. The hallway monitor gets airtime before hitting the ground hard.

“Ack! Officer down! Officer down!” The boy screams into a walkie talkie. “I repeat, officer down! All hallway monitors to the right hallway!”

The two glance towards the door leading to the right hallway. At least they won’t have problems finding who to get to unlock the door. Slowly making their way through, there’s currently a bunch of trash in the way. Sofia could easily climb it, but just before she attempts to, Eli reveals his lighter.

“Oh god don’t tell me you’re about t-”

“Suck it in… Let it rumble…” Eli mumbles quietly, turning his back before turning on the lighter, and releasing it. “DRAGON SHOUT!”

The blast had enough force to cause the fire to destroy the debris, and knock out the ginger kids who were holding the “barricade” up. Sofia gags at the smell before just spraying some febreze into the air, moving ahead of Eli.

“You start making a habit of that and we’re not playing with Cartman anymore.”

Eli lets out a small laugh as he follows. They find the room and try the door. Only to find a golden lock on their side. Mackey looks out and begins to shout at them.

“You’re not gonna get through this door, m’kay?! You might as well give up, cause I hid the key, and you’ll never find it in my office!... Ah, damnit… M’kay.”

The pair crack up a tiny bit at the counselor’s acting. They just walk towards the back of the hallway, turning and walking down the pathway until they see one of the ginger kids with a bronze key. They’re gonna probably need that to get into the office. Like a bolt of lightning Sofia charges towards the kid, only for him to run as fast as he can, the other ginger kids blocking the hallway with a security gate.

“Tch! Goddamnit! Let me in you weird little pricks!” Sofia shouts as she slams her fist against the security gate repeatedly. “God what is with you ginger kids?! You’re pale, you’re weird, nobody likes you, and you gotta make a point of differentiating yourself which only makes you more hateable! Maybe try getting hobbies not involving setting things on fire or enforcing your will on others, and MAYBE YOU’D GET SOME FUCKIN’ PUSSY!”

Eli just stands behind Sofia, feeling his own hair and getting strangely offended on the behalf of the ginger kids. Sofia turns and realizes how that sounded.

“Oh but it looks good on you, L!” Sofia tries to up her pitch a bit to sound more nice.

“Uh-huh. Actually ya know what. I’m gonna join the Hallway Monitors. Hey! How do I sign up?” Eli questions as he looks over to the guy at the gate.

“Oh! Wow! Really? Let me get this.” The monitor moves and opens it up. “Right this way we ca-”

Before he can finish, the hallway monitor would be pinned to a wall by Eli. The boy stares down the ginger and whispers through hissed teeth.

“My hair’s dyed, prick.”

“W-What?! He tricked m-”

BAM! Eli steps back and the monitor collapses to the ground. Sofia smirks and fully opens up the gate before stepping through. They’re now slowly cornering the kid with the brass key, but he has a pair of buddies still on his side.

One of the two gingers holds onto a sheet music stand, ready to swing it around as a weapon. The other has a lunch tray as a shield and a pair of scissors as a weapon.

“The holder of the Brass Key will not surrender!”

“We don’t want you to surrender.” Sofia states, now having the boy cornered. “We want you to struggle, and squirm, and writhe as we knock you over again and again. We want to take that key from your cold dead hands. Because nothing pleases me more than watching one’s will to fight break down, and a soul die to my hands.”

That certainly unnerved them, but the one holding the music stand swings harshly, managing to slam Sofia against the wall. The scissor holding ginger going in to try cutting up Sofia. Only for Eli to spray him with the fire extinguisher, enough force to hold the attacker in place while Sofia grabs and throws off the legs of the stand that were embedding into her. A grunt escapes her as she staggers to stay standing.

“That fuckin’ hurt… But it’s too bad for you, you’re as good as dead.”

“What do yo-”

Before the ginger can finish his question, a dodgeball is thrown full force into his head, slamming his head right into the wall behind the kid with the Brass Key, the other ginger is seemingly frozen in place as the siblings inch closer to the holder of the Brass Key. Eli just snatches it from the kid’s hand, and Sofia decides to end this all by kicking the key holder right in the nuts.

“Auch! M-More officers down! We’re taking heavy casualties down here!” The kid says as Sofia and Eli make their way back to use the Brass Key.

“Damnit, will you hallway monitors stop playing around?!” Mackey shouts, standing up and pacing as Craig just keeps checking his watch.

“They have the brass key! We’re dealing with some kind of Dragonborn!”

“This is detention time, not time to play Dungeons and Dragons! Besides the only way to get in is with the gold key, and the only way to get the gold key is to get to the silver key, m’kay?! And even if they got the brass key, they have to get past the boss! M’kay?” As Mackey speaks he turns and sees the two already standing outside with the gold key in hand. “Ah… Fuck… M’kay.”

Eli begins to work the door, but it feels sticky. Why is it sticky? Just as he’s about to get the key into the hole, he gets pulled just short of a dodgeball slamming his head. Sofia was standing guard and only barely got him out of the line of fire. The two stare in the direction and see it. A sixth-grader. Tall, ginger, and with more freckles than there are people currently living within Schmedeswurtherwesterdeich. He was wearing a black t-shirt underneath what almost looked like a brown kevlar vest.

“That’s far enough, intruders.” The ginger boss states in a stoic voice. “Where’s your hallpass?”

The two glance at each other as the boy pulls out a metal rod from behind him, attached to a long chain was what looked like a dodgeball. Its contact with the ground makes an echo.

“No hallpass? Then I guess I’ll have to write you a referral. Mhmhmhm. RAAAAAH!”

“Oh yeah! That’s the boss! Good luck fightin’ the boss, mkay! Still think this is a game young man?!” Mackey shouts from behind the door. “And when he’s done with you, you can spend detention with Craig! M’kay?!”

Sofia charges right for the boss, thinking it’s going to be as easy as the others, only to be hit with the dodgeball, and knocked to her side. She was quick to stand back up. Eli reaches and pulls out a Roman Candle, only for the boss to pull out and block with a clipboard, letting it drop once it lights on fire and allowing the sprinkler system to deal with that. With that water pouring down, Eli’s primary weapon, his fireworks, are basically useless. And a fist would make contact with Eli’s face, breaking his glasses.

This guy was thinking far ahead compared to their previous enemies. And worse yet, he wasn’t even beginning to take them seriously.

The duo would have no option but to keep trying to get strikes in. Sofia charging from behind, only for the dodgeball to suddenly whip around and clock her in the side of the face. She grabs the ground and goes for a sweep of his legs. The boss manages to shift his weight and fall onto Sofia in a bodyslam.

A howl of pain escapes the girl as Eli tries to think of what to do, then having an idea. He reaches into a baggie, taking out a fistful of sand, and positioning to throw the sand right into the Boss’ face, blinding him just long enough for Sofia to twist his arm, and break free from the pin. The hallway monitor boss stands up slowly, getting bulleted by blows from Sofia. Her fists not doing anything to him by the looks of it, and he ends up uppercutting her hard enough to send her stumbling into the lockers.

“I’m sure your parents are going to love to hear what you’ve been doing.” The monitor boss says, revealing a phone and preparing to call their household with it.

“Shit…” Sofia says, losing her breath fast from the barrage she sent out, she tries to do another kick to the chest, only to get the dodgeball slamming right into her gut. “FUCK!”

The boss of the guards then grabs up Sofia by the neck. Holding her up, standing victoriously as he waits for the call to connect. Only to get hit with a snapping pop.

“Hey!” Eli shouts. “Let go of my sister!”

“Yeah? And what’s gonna make me?” The monitor questions as he turns his head.

“DRAGON SHOUT!” Eli screams, blowing a blast of fart in the direction of the boss.

The boss drops his phone onto the wet ground coughing as he backs up, his foot landing right on his phone before he slips, causing it to slide right over to Eli. He picks up the phone and ends the call. Sofia was lucky she could barely breathe, hitting the ground as the boss dropped her. Eli hoists her up, slowly walking with her towards the door to detention. The boss reaches and grabs Eli by his pantleg.

“N-No. I can’t be beaten like this… I’ve never been stopped before.” The boss wheezes out, eyes teary from the fart, and the fact he’s technically lost. “They’re staying in their three hour detention. And I won’t let you stop that.”

Eli stares down at the man who was just strangling his sister. And for a moment, he thought about all the ways he could hurt this boy. All the ways he could make him suffer for how he acted. But he had a mission, so Eli just grit his teeth, stomped on the hand hard enough to make something pop, and then continued moving on.

“Detention’s one thing. Three hours? Fuck you.” Eli says as he finally has the door open.

The released kids all cheer and run out. Craig slipping out in the group.

“DAMN YOU CRAIIIIIG!” Mackey shouts as he shakes his fist.

Eli and Sofia easily made their way out. Mackey didn’t seem that interested in chasing any of the kids. He just was standing there shaking his fist like some villain who got his plans foiled. Finally, they meet up with Craig outside.

“Hey. Thanks for busting me out. Who are you?”

Sofia was still wheezing, feeling her neck for injury. She thought for a second she was going to die. It was strangely invigorating.

“What’s your names?” Craig asks again as Eli is far too busy applying a lotion to the injuries sustained on his own body. “Whatever. I’ll see you at Kupa Keep.”

With him leaving. Eli looks down at the more important problem. One punch was all that sixth grader needed to break his glasses. And their parents are going to wonder why he’s not wearing them. They’ll need to figure out some replacements.