Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You’ve Taken Over Me

Ch 1: I’m Hooked on You

            Dreaming fingers gripped the sheets, unmooring them from the mattress corners. The duvet, rejected, draped halfway off the bed. Andy Bernard writhed in his sleep. Soft moans escaped his open mouth, half hidden between sighs and gasps. His hips rolled. Then bucked. And his warm, sticky release seeped over his tented pajamas.

            He relaxed into the mattress. He mumbled, still dreaming. “Let me stay?”

            Morning. The sun shone through the gap in the curtains and into Andy’s eyes. He grimaced and sat up, digging the sleep-sand from his eyes. When the bleariness cleared, he saw the mess left behind from his dream. “Goddamn it.”

            These dreams, these messes, were becoming more frequent. It was embarrassing. Andy was too old for this. And while, cognitively, he knew it was normal and healthy to have that kind of dream, he couldn’t help feeling ashamed. Some subconscious part of him remembered too vividly his pubescent years. The complaints from the maids. The stern disgust in his father’s eyes.

            He scrubbed himself in the shower. The earthy spices and fruity perfumes of his soaps and scrubs blended together and gently brought him the rest of the way to the waking world. He shut off the hot water and let the cold rinse over him. Bracing as the sea air.

            As he toweled off, he thought of Rob. Broccoli Rob. His lover. His secret lover he kept hidden from is public life. Only Rob was allowed to see Andy as his truest self. Vulnerable. Human. Queer. Andy combed his hair. The memory of Rob’s fingers followed the path of the comb. He stepped out of the bathroom and into a fresh pair of briefs. He pulled them on, as he always did. Not just in the mornings, but after his evenings in Rob’s bed. When Rob kicked him out of the apartment, as he always did.

            Deodorant. Cologne. Andy’s relentless need to shroud himself in pleasant scents, as if they could hide his double life. As if the stink of another man was always lurking in his skin. The smell of semen.

            Breakfast was coffee and toast. Artisanal jam and honey. A napkin tucked into his collar to keep his sweater clean. No messes. No mistakes. Then back to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Andy’s reflection stared back at him. Foamy toothpaste smeared around his mouth. It dripped down the side of his chin. No messes. No mistakes. He spat into the sink and wiped his face.

            The drive to work was his sanctuary. The transitional respite between the suffocating façade at work and the emotional confusion of Rob’s apartment. Again, Rob. Something restless and unfulfilled gnawed at Andy from within. Like he was on the cusp of understanding something just out of reach. Something he didn’t have the words to fully grasp. Something that drove him back to Rob again and again, hoping to finally figure it all out. Hoping that, maybe this time, maybe next time, he would once again feel the way he had when they were both young men at Cornell. If he only knew what that was.

            Parking lot. Andy shut off the engine. He began the ritual of his breathing exercises—a preemptive measure he had learned in anger management. Start the day calm. Calm and clear-headed. In, two, three, four; out, two three, four. Again. And once more for good measure. I will keep my composure. I am in control of myself. I can let go of things that bother me. I am not gay. It was stupid, maybe, but it helped.

            Andy waited for the elevator. Oscar stood next to him. Andy envied Oscar. There were no secrets for Oscar. No shame. No expectations to uphold the public image of the Martinez family. Oscar could afford to simply be Oscar. Not Andy. Never Andy. His family hated him enough.

            He sat down at his desk and clocked in. Morning work was simple: filling scheduled orders and updating client files. Andy’s mind wandered. Thoughts passed through his head quickly, leaving before he could dwell on them. Where the bananas at home still good? Who was that chick in that one movie? Why was ‘geoduck’ pronounced like that? Was Rob thinking about him? What would it be like to hug a panda? Should he get a houseplant? What kind of present would make Rob happy? Where did sea glass come from? Did Rob ever dream of him?

            Andy shook his head. Rob. Always Rob. He needed to get his mind off him. Off the way they used to kiss, way back when, late at night in the middle of the fifty-yard line of Schoellkopf Field, desperately fumbling in the middle of the big red C on the grass… No. Stop. Andy couldn’t think about that at work. Even back then, they were almost caught. Andy could still remember the flashlight shining at him from the edge of the field, while his mouth was still full of Rob’s cock.

            He could feel his face becoming flushed. He took a breath. Not now. Not at work. He shoved those thoughts away and tried to focus on the files taking up his computer screen. He pretended he was succeeding. A welcome distraction came in the form of one of Jim’s pranks: everything in Dwight’s pen cup had been glued to the bottom. Dwight was now smacking the pen cup against his desk in a futile effort to loosen the pencils inside. Only yesterday, Toby had confiscated another batch of weapons, leaving Dwight without anything to cut into the glue.

            “Dammit, Jim!” Dwight stormed off to the annex. Andy turned in his chair to watch him stomp past. He looked back at Jim, who was giving one of his signature nonplussed looks. Andy took the interruption as an opportunity to leave his desk. He went into the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. He stirred longer than he really needed to, distracted again by thoughts of Rob. He imagined the two of them enjoying a morning after, sipping coffee before work, like other couples did. Couples who slept together after sleeping together. Not like them. Not like Andy, who drove home in the dark with his underwear full of cum.

            He wanted more. He knew that much. Yet he knew that he was lucky to get as much as he had. And Rob never denied him sex. Andy sipped his coffee and went back to his desk. He spent the next hour on cold calls until lunch. His salesmanship was improving. He finished the last call with an order of twenty reams. The corner of his monitor read 12:30. He checked his calendar. Shit. He had a meeting with a client. Well, a potential client. He grabbed his things and headed out.

            The drive was about five minutes. Enough time for Andy to gather his focus. The client was a small tax firm. Andy needed to bring his A game. He went over his pitch in his head. He parked his car in the lot and got out. Five minutes left. He headed into the restaurant and checked in with the hostess. Bernard, party of two. Window booth. Andy sat down and waited. The client arrived soon after. She shook Andy’s hand and sat across from him.

            “I hope you don’t mind if I start with a cocktail.”

            Andy smiled. “Go for it. It’s on me.”

            The waiter came and took their drink order. A Shirley Temple for him, a vodka cranberry for her. She cocked an eyebrow. “Not drinking?”

            “I’m driving. Unless you insist?”

            “Come on. One drink. I feel weird being the only one.”

            Andy shrugged. “Sure. Why not? I’ll have a mai tai, please.”

            They looked over the menus and made small talk to break the ice. Their drinks came and they ordered food. Andy sat back and began his pitch. “Alright, Ms. Lowry. What do you look for in a paper supplier?”

            “Just Heather is fine. I’m looking for two things. The first is cost, and the second is respect for my time. I don’t want a complicated process between me and getting what I need. I don’t want my call transferred twenty times whenever I need paper. Understand?”

            “Uh-oh. Does this meeting count as wasting your time? Should I have just met in your office?”

            Heather smiled. “Not at all. You’re buying me lunch. Well worth my time.”

            Andy laughed. “Glad to hear it. Well, if there’s one thing Dunder Mifflin has on all the others, it’s just that. When you call us, you talk to me in less than ten seconds. And if I’m not at my desk, you can get customer service in twenty seconds. And if that doesn’t work for you, I can call you back. You never waste a single moment on hold.”

            “And you can guarantee that?”

            “Absolutely. You can try it yourself when you get back to your office.”

            Heather took a sip of her drink. “And the cost?”

            “I’m not gonna bullshit you. The cost isn’t the lowest around. But on the flipside, it’s not the highest either. Hang on a sec.” Andy opened his briefcase and took out a sheet of paper. “These are our prices. Now, part of what you’re paying for is that level of service you can’t get anywhere else.”

            “Hmm. Let me look at this after I get something in my stomach.”

            The food came. Andy let Heather guide the conversation. Somewhere between shipping and the weather, he began to notice a couple sitting at a table a few yards away. Young lovebirds, holding hands and feeding each other. Andy felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted that. That affection. That unashamed sweetness. He finished his drink and let himself imagine, just for a moment, that it was him and Rob sitting there. On a real date. He beckoned over the waiter and ordered another drink.

            The meeting went on. Andy’s eyes kept darting to the other table. He couldn’t put into words what that couple had that he and Rob didn’t. It was something more than PDA. More than sweet nothings. And Andy could only wish he was with Rob, sharing a moment of quiet intimacy and closeness.

            He ended up signing on the client. He walked her to her car and shook hands one last time. “Drive safe, now,” he joked.

            Heather laughed. “You too, mister two drinks. I look forward to working with you.”

            Andy got into his car. He took out his iPod. He couldn’t articulate what he was feeling. He never could. His thumb circled the touchpad until he found the next best thing. He pulled out of the parking space and drove back to work as “Here Comes the Rain Again” did the emotional heavy lifting for him.

            Back behind his desk, he entered the client’s information into a new file. Now and then, he glanced at Jim and Pam. They weren’t showy with their relationship. And yet there was that same intangible something between them that the couple in the restaurant had. It was frustrating.

            The hours crawled by. Today of all days, there were no hijinks or interruptions. Andy wrapped up his task and stood to leave. He had to get out of there. He had to go see Rob. If he didn’t, he’d go crazy. There was no point to comparing what they had to what others did. They weren’t like others. Andy couldn’t be romanced because he couldn’t risk being seen out on a date. He couldn’t live with Rob. He couldn’t even put Rob down as his emergency contact without rousing suspicion. Whatever this something more was, Andy had no right to want it. It had to be enough to go see Rob now and again and make love. To feel desired. Wanted.

            Andy sighed and stepped onto the elevator. Oscar followed in after him and stood next to him. Andy looked at him. “Hey, um…”

            Oscar turned his head. “Hmm?”

            “Nevermind. Forget it.”

            “What? What is it?”

            “No, I was gonna ask something personal, but I thought better of it.”

            “Oh.”

            “Sorry.”

            The elevator opened. Andy got in his car. He pulled his phone out and texted Rob.

            Coming over. Cool?

            He slid his phone into the holder on the dashboard. He was pulling out onto the main street when his phone rang.

            Rob.

Chapter Text

Ch 2: I Need a Fix

            Andy answered the call on speakerphone. “Hey, you.”

            Rob’s voice chuckled from the phone. “Hey, sexy. You coming over for the reason I think?”

            Andy glanced out the windows. Nobody was there. Nobody could hear him. “I might be. If you’re up for it.”

            “You know I am. Were you thinking about me today?”

            “All day.”

            “Did it make you horny?”

            Andy’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “I missed you.”

            “Did you touch yourself?”

            He knew where this was going. His body knew. His dick was stirring awake. “Did you? Were you thinking about me too?”

            “I’m touching myself now. Stroking my big cock and thinking about that ass of yours. You wanna know what I’m thinking?”

            “Tell me.”

            “I’m thinking about you riding it. You moaning my name. Your dick bouncing. Ohh, Andy.”

            Andy palmed himself through his pants. “You’re making me hard, Rob.” He turned on his blinker and got on the freeway.

            “You’re always so cute when you’re horny. Wish I could see your face right now.”

            “You’ll see it when I get there.” Just a few exits from now…

            “What do you want me to do to you?” Rob’s voice started to shake. He was panting. And Andy knew he was really pleasuring himself. He couldn’t hold back. He opened his fly and took his dick out. Slow, nervous strokes. One eye on the road. Oh god, this was hot.

            “I want you to kiss me. Up against the wall, with your hard on digging into me. Then you take me to the bed and have your way with me.”

            “You want it rough, baby?”

            “Yeah. I want it rough.” His hand moved faster. The brief moments he had to pause to move the gearshift were torture. “Want you to pin me down and ram it into me.” His steering was sloppy now. The car wavered in the lane.

            “Gonna pound you, Andy. Gonna wreck that sweet ass.”

            “My ass is yours, Rob. I’m yours.” The road was ill-maintained, and the rough asphalt sent vibrations up the shocks all the way to the driver’s seat. Fuck, it felt good.

            “Damn right.” Rob groaned and hissed. “Fuck. I’m gonna cum.”

            The heavy gasps and grunts from the phone were maddening. Andy started making his way to the exit lane, all the while jerking himself. His own climax was fast approaching. “Oh god, Rob! Fuck! I’m—!”

            He hit a pothole. His orgasm crashed through him. His eyes left the road and rolled back. Cum splashed the steering wheel. And in his ecstasy, he drifted into the next lane.

            The angry horn of the car behind him snapped Andy back to focus. He swerved hard and skidded back into the right lane. A few other cars honked and slowed before he could hit them. Andy straightened out and hit his blinkers for the offramp. In the commotion, his phone fell from the dashboard and landed in the cupholder, ending the call.

            “Shit, shit, shit, shit.” Andy pulled over in front of a shopping center. He put his dick away and grabbed a few napkins to clean up the mess. He winced as he wiped off the steering wheel. Gross. Embarrassing. He thanked fuck there wasn’t a cop around to see. Only a rusty sedan that followed off the freeway to flip the bird as it drove past. Sweat prickled the back of Andy’s neck. Too close. He was pretty sure it was illegal to jerk off on the road. And if he were arrested, everyone would know. Shame suffocated him.

            He took a minute to breathe. In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four. And again. And again. Until his heart stopped threatening the structural integrity of his ribcage. Then a thought occurred to him. Rob. Rob knew he was driving. He knew and he still led Andy into this. On the other hand, Andy did nothing to resist. Not a word. Not even a second of hesitation. Did he really have room to be upset?

            Even so, even if Andy shared the blame, he couldn’t ignore the disquieting notion that itched in his brain as he started the car again and drove the rest of the way to Rob’s place: this wasn’t the only time Rob had been thoughtless. Not by a long shot. Even as far back as their Cornell days, Rob had been thoughtless. When Andy needed to finish his term papers, Rob fucked him. When Andy needed to get up early for make-up exams, Rob fucked him. And when Andy was on the phone getting scolded by his parents for his grades, Rob was there, wearing only a condom, tapping his foot impatiently.

            Had he resisted then? He didn’t remember. And if he didn’t remember, maybe it didn’t matter. He parked outside the apartment complex and straightened his clothes one more time. The thrill of the near-crash still vibrated in his nerves. He picked up his phone and pocketed it, then made his way up the stairs to Rob’s unit. He let himself in and shut the door.

            Rob was on the couch. He looked up at Andy with a coy smile. “You made it.”

            “I almost didn’t. Narrowly avoided wrecking the car.”

            “Hey, I’m that good.” Rob stood and settled his hands on Andy’s hips. “I had a shower. Water’s still hot. It’ll relax you.”

            “Yeah. Thanks. Any chance I could get a glass of wine when I’m done?”

            “Sure. White okay? I’m out of red.”

            “Mmhmm.” Andy went into the bathroom and undressed. He got into the shower and let the hot water run down his body. Maybe Rob was a little thoughtless. But Andy forgave him. He always did. He scrubbed away the day’s sweat with the pomegranate body wash he kept there. His soapy fingers slipped inside himself and washed there, stretching him as they went. He shut off the water and slipped into a bathrobe.

            Rob was waiting in the kitchen with the wine. Andy took his glass and sipped. “Needed that. And this.” He took Rob’s hand. “And you.”

            Rob closed the space between them. “Say it again.”

            “I need you.” Andy kissed him. Soft. Tender. He pulled back and looked into Rob’s eyes. “Make love to me.” He drank the rest of his wine and set the glass down. He untied his robe and let it fall to the floor. He was hard.

            In that moment, nothing mattered anymore. Not the car, not work, not his insecurities. All that mattered was this intimacy. The desire on Rob’s face. The yearning in Andy’s loins. The anticipation thick and heavy in the air.

            Rob led Andy to the bedroom. Andy undid Rob’s belt. Rob undressed and held Andy close. They kissed. Gentle. Then hungry. Desperate. Rob turned Andy around and bent him over the foot of the bed. “Condom?”

            “No. I want your cum.” Andy arched his back invitingly. Rob pressed Andy’s shoulder into the mattress. His free hand reached for the dresser and grabbed the bottle of lube from the underwear drawer. He poured lube over Andy’s hole and snapped the bottle closed.

            “Breathe.” His fingers pushed into Andy’s asshole. There was little resistance. “Already open for me, huh?” He withdrew his hand and lined up his cock. “Still want it rough?”

            “God, yes.” Andy braced himself. Rob drove his cock inside all at once. Andy cried out at the sudden fullness and slight pain. “Oh, fuck!” Rob held still long enough for Andy to adjust, then pulled out halfway and slammed back in. Andy moaned and pushed back. “Ohh, yes…”

            Rob grabbed Andy by the ass and rammed his cock into him. Steady, sharp thrusts. In and out. Skin loud against skin. “That’s it, baby. Good boy.” Deeper. Harder. “Yeah, you like that?”

            Andy fisted his hands in the sheets. He whined and gasped, overwhelmed by the friction. “Don’t stop. Feels awesome. More.” His head was in a fog. Everything was muted but the two of them, the sensations, and the creaking bed. Rob’s cock. Rob’s hands. Andy looked back over his shoulder. “You look so hot fucking me.”

            Rob squeezed Andy’s ass. “Got nothing on the view from here.” He watched himself plunge in and out. He watched the bounce of Andy’s fat ass at every impact. “Mmh. That body.”

            Andy faced forward again and leaned his head back. “Pull my hair. Use me like the slut I am.”

            Rob twisted his fingers into Andy’s hair. It was short; barely long enough to hold onto. But Rob took hold and tugged. He pounded deeper, hitting that sweet spot with every thrust. Until Andy couldn’t keep quiet anymore. He moaned and gasped and whimpered.

            “Yes! Oh, yes! Just like that, Rob! Fuck me!”

            Rob slapped Andy’s ass. “Call me Daddy.”

            Andy hesitated. Rob knew he didn’t like it. It felt weird. Almost wrong. But Andy didn’t want the pleasure to stop. He forced himself to say it. “D… Daddy… Fuck me, Daddy.”

            “Louder.”

            Andy squeezed his eyes shut. “Fuck me, Daddy!”

            “Attaboy! Again!”

            “Fuck me, Daddy!”

            “Good boy!” Rob thrusted faster. “Ohh, that’s a good boy. Now jerk your little pecker for me. Touch yourself for Daddy!”

            Andy reached down and grabbed his dick. He stroked his shaft and moaned. His release was in sight, and he clenched his hole tighter around Rob’s cock. The bedsprings were deafening. Spots of light flashed in Andy’s eyes. The intensity kept building. More and more as Rob fucked faster and faster. He was close. Andy knew it. He was even closer.

            “Don’t stop! I’m right there! Oh god!”

            “Go ahead. Cum for me. It’s okay, baby.”

            Andy let go. He groaned as his orgasm took him. His balls unloaded and his semen soaked into the blanket. Rob kept going, pushing Andy into his own mess. Until he lost his rhythm, giving a few more deep, hard thrusts. Then he tensed and held Andy against him. His cock pulsed with each spurt of his orgasm. Andy felt it fill him. Rob finally relaxed and pulled out, letting the last of it drip over Andy’s asshole.

            Rob patted Andy’s bottom and stepped back. “I’m done. You can leave.”

            Andy sighed. The warm buzzing under his skin was no comfort. He knew it would end like this. It always did. He pushed off the bed and swayed on his feet, still dizzy from the intensity of his ejaculation. He opened the box of wipes on the dresser and cleaned himself up. There was no point arguing. Rob always kicked him out after sex. Andy grabbed his clothes from the bathroom and got dressed. He looked back at Rob. Rob was stepping into a fresh pair of boxers.

            Andy went to him. “Kiss before I go?”

            “I’m tired. Just leave.” Rob got onto the bed and spread his limbs out. “Lock the door, would ya?”

            Andy turned away and left. He locked the door and trudged down to his car. Seatbelt on. Ignition on. Andy drove home. Empty. Just like always.

Chapter Text

Ch 3: I Can’t Take It

            Cornell. 1992. Andy Bernard lay stretched out on his bed in his dorm room. His coat was still on, flayed open on the bedspread around him. The past few months had been… disappointing. He had hoped, foolishly perhaps, that the time away from the scrutinous eyes of his parents would have given him what he needed to flourish into something… better. Yet, even in their absence, the pressure remained. Or, more accurately, it was like a topiary that still remembered the mesh that had shaped it. Even if the branches were overgrown. Andy couldn’t change the man his mesh had made him. Fearful. Desperate. Alone.

            He looked toward the window. The afternoon sun was hidden behind a slab of grey sky. Classes were over, leaving Andy with nothing to distract himself from the reality of his social failure. The silence rang in his ears. The walls felt too tight. Fuck it. What was one more aimless walk around campus?

            The music building was at least full of people. Noise. Andy was invisible. He passed through the din of footsteps and small talk. Around the corner, the traffic was lighter. Mostly couples sucking face against the walls. Quiet enough for the sound of blended vocals to reach Andy. He slowed, then stopped. A door was open at the end of the hallway. He peered inside.

            That was the day he met him. Him. Rob. Leading the group of young men in an a capella rendition of ‘Closer to Fine’. Andy slipped in quietly and sat among the small group of spectators. His eyes lingered on Rob, overcome with the shameful feeling he had spent his whole life suppressing. Why him? Why now? He didn’t know.

            Rob saw him. He kept singing at he looked at him, a devious glint in his eye. Andy’s chest tightened. His eyes darted over every feature, memorizing every detail. And when the song was over, he was terrified to stand up. He stayed, silently enraptured. The onlookers left. He stayed. And when the group invited him to join, he accepted without hesitation, tugging the hem of his coat down to hide his real motivations. Until Rob hugged him. And Andy knew Rob could feel him. He braced himself for humiliation. There was none.

            Rob nodded to the others. “Go get a table at the bar. I think I lost something. Andy, help me find it.”

            Then they were alone. Rob closed the door and locked it. Dread washed over Andy. Again, he braced himself. Rob leaned against the door and smiled at Andy.

            “So. What made you horny?”

            Andy’s heart sank. He shrank away. “Just get it over with.” He cursed himself. Was he really so pathetic and desperate that a single taste of attention was enough to turn him on?

            “Get what over with?”

            “Whatever you’re gonna do to me.” He wasn’t a naïve little boy anymore. He knew what guys did to faggots like him. In grade school, it was pantsing and beatings. In middle school, it was swirlies and beatings. In high school, it was rumors and pranks, and by that time, he had learnt to hide every flicker of attraction he felt. He had pretended to love the cheerleader, not the quarterback.

            Rob cocked his head. “You think I’m angry?”

            “Aren’t you?” He couldn’t pretend now.

            “No. No, Andy, I’m not. Answer my question.”

            “I don’t want to.” It was starting to ache. Andy shifted nervously on his feet. “Can I leave?”

            Rob stepped closer. He put his hand on Andy’s arm. “Wouldn’t you rather get off?”

            “What?”

            “Do you want to cum, Andy?”

            Andy shivered. “Don’t make fun of me.”

            Rob backed him across the room and against the wall. “You’re hard. And you’re cute. And I wanna see you enjoy it.”

            Andy winced. He needed relief now. “What are you gonna do?”

            “Will you let me?”

            It was too sudden. Too abrupt. It felt unreal. Maybe it wasn’t real. “Do what you want.”

            Rob leaned in and kissed him. He was bafflingly tender, almost loving. Andy froze. He had never been kissed like that. Or at all. And oh god it felt good. And after a moment, he relaxed. He let himself enjoy it. He kissed Rob back. His arms wrapped around Rob and held him close. Rob pressed his body against Andy. Andy gasped and shuddered, and he came.

            Rob chuckled. “Wow. Just like that?”

            Andy went in for another kiss. The floodgates were open now. And he was forced to accept it: he wanted Rob. A man. He kissed him. And the relief from holding back for so long was intoxicating. He broke the kiss and looked at Rob. “Why? Why are you doing this?”

            “Are you complaining?”

            Andy shook his head. “I’m just confused.”

            “You know what it’s like. I have to take the chances I can get.” Another kiss. “A pretty guy like you gets hard for me and I have to try.”

            Andy held his palm to Rob’s chest. “You think I’m pretty?”

            “Pretty hot. I was ready to jerk you off, wasn’t I?”

            “You were?” Andy covered his face in his hand. It was too much. Like a feast for a starving man, and just as deadly. “You can’t say things like that. I’ll keel over.”

            “You don’t like it?”

            “I do. That’s the problem.” He sighed. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be this happy again.”

            “I see.” Rob hugged Andy. “Then maybe I should just keep making you happy. See where this goes. At the very least, we could have four years of fooling around.”

            He led Andy to the door. “We should go. The guys are waiting.”

            Andy went. And to his surprise, the rest of the group welcomed him as a friend. He said nothing about his time alone with Rob. That was just theirs. He drank, and as his inhibitions lifted, he relaxed. He sang with the guys. He laughed with them. And for the first time, he felt hopeful. At the same time, he knew the rest of Here Comes Treble could never find out what he really was. This was a chance at a fresh start, and he couldn’t risk it.

            He and Rob grew closer. Most days after classes, they would sneak away to a secluded spot to make out. Andy loved it. He loved feeling desired. Being touched. Tasting Rob’s mouth. It was heaven. And when he was ready, he invited Rob to his room when he knew his roommate was spending the night at home.

            Rob sat on the bed, leaning back against the wall. “You look nervous. What are we doing, Andy?”

            Andy paced the floor. “Of course I’m nervous. Rob, I… I want more. It’s just that I’ve never… done more. And I don’t want to fuck it up.”

            “More, huh?” Rob grinned. “You mean you wanna have sex?”

            Andy stopped pacing. His face was bright red. “Not yet. Did you think I was gonna want sex?” His stomach twisted. He wasn’t ready for that. “I need to… Look, I need to know you won’t laugh.”

            Rob cocked an eyebrow. “Are you gonna show it to me?”

            Andy hesitated. “I’m scared you’ll be disappointed.”

            Rob stood and took Andy’s hand. “Baby. You don’t need to impress me. I’m a top. It’s okay.”

            Andy bit his lip. He pulled his hand away and undid his pants. They fell to the floor with his underwear, and he stood there. Exposed. Vulnerable. Rob looked down.

            “Are you a grower?”

            “No. That’s it.”

            Silence. A brief eternity of silence. Rob looked up at Andy. “Can I touch it?”

            It twitched. Andy nodded. Rob ran his fingers over it. It hardened in his hand. Andy whimpered. “Feels good.”

            “Yeah?”

            “Mm-hmm.”

            Rob gave it a few slow strokes. “And this?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “What do you think about when you jerk off?”

            Andy moaned under his breath. “I don’t wanna say.”

            “Why not?”

            “It’s embarrassing.”

            “Oh really? Now you have to tell me.” Rob swiped his thumb over Andy’s tip.

            Andy whined. “You’ll think I’m a freak.”

            “I like freaks.”

            The pleasure was making Andy dizzy. It was so different from his own hand. Truthfully, he hadn’t expected Rob to still be there. He let go of a shaky sigh. “You know the movie ‘Deliverance’? Uh… That one scene… I think about it happening to me.”

            Rob thought for a moment. Then a smile spread across his face. “Oh, Andy. You are a freak. You’re a dirty little pervert.” He stroked faster. “Is that what you want? You wanna be my piggy?”

            Andy grabbed Rob’s shoulders. He shut his eyes and nodded. His head swam. He moaned. “Please don’t stop.”

            “Describe it. Tell me your fantasy.”

            “I’m, ohh, I’m in the woods. I’m lost and I’m cold. And lately I imagine you. You find me. You corner me and—oh god, Rob. Fuck, that’s good.”

            “Keep talking.”

            Andy’s knees began to tremble. “You, hnngh, m-make me take my clothes off. You chase me. Oh, Rob. And you shove me down into the mud.”

            “You squeal for me?”

            “Yes… ohh, yes. Fuck, Rob. I’m gonna cum.”

            “Yeah. You’re gonna cum. You’re gonna cum like a good piggy, huh?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “Cum for me, piggy.”

            Andy gasped and bucked into Rob’s hand. His load spilled over Rob’s fist and dripped down onto the carpet. He groaned and slumped against Rob, spent.

            Rob chuckled and brought Andy to the bed. He eased him down and kissed him. “Good?”

            “Mmh. Wonderful.”

            “I’m glad.” He opened his fly and took his cock out. It was hard, and twice as big as Andy’s. “My turn.”

            Andy gawked. “It’s huge.” He brought his hand to it and wrapped his fingers around the shaft. It was hot and girthy and it smelled of precum. “What do I do?” He looked up. Rob was licking his cum off his fingers.

            “Whatever you want, baby. Just make it happy.”

            Andy looked at it. He stroked it, gently at first, until he was comfortable enough to fall into the same rhythm he always touched himself with. “Is this okay?”

            Rob hummed. “Yeah. Just like that.” He smiled and pet Andy’s hair. “So. ‘Deliverance’, huh?”

            Andy ginned sheepishly. “Yeah. I know.”

            “I wanna know more about that side of Andy.”

            “No, you don’t.” He bent his head forward and licked Rob’s cock. “Oh my god.” He did it again.

            “Taste good?”

            “Um…” Andy looked up at Rob. He didn’t know what made him do it. Maybe some impulse he was too distracted to resist. But he liked it. And it was too late for shame to stop him.

            “You can blow me if you want to, Andy.”

            “I want to.”

            “Go ahead.”

            Andy looked back down at Rob’s cock. He licked his lips. Part of him was afraid of failure. But he wanted to please Rob. He wanted to taste the undeniable proof that he was good enough. He opened his mouth and took Rob inside.

            His first attempt was far from perfect. He couldn’t fit much in his mouth, and he struggled to keep his teeth out of the way. But Rob was patient. He guided him through it. And in the end, he came in Andy’s mouth.

            Andy swallowed and backed off. “Did I do okay?”

            “For your first time, it wasn’t bad. You’ll get the hang of it. I had a good time.”

            It was better than praise. It was understanding. It was a promise to try again. And Rob gave Andy plenty of chances to practice.

            In the spring semester, Rob asked Andy to pledge his frat, Chi Psi. Andy looked up from his essay and tapped his pencil.

            “But that would mean moving into a frat house. Where would we fool around?”

            Rob shrugged. “I got an empty bed in my room. The doors lock. And there’s always my car.”

            Andy bit his lip. “What about hazing?” He had been tormented enough over his school years.

            “It’s not that bad. No weird sex stuff or any of that Hollywood crap. And I’ll be right there to look after you.” He sat down next to Andy and kissed him. “Please?”

            Andy agreed, and he showed up to the frat house with the other pledges, terrified of whatever came next.

            Rob was there, sitting on the couch. He looked up as an upperclassman addressed the pledges.

            “Alright, men. Tradition dictates we put you through hell. But since some of us had to go and get brain damage on the field, all of that is getting condensed down into today. And then we’ll just make you clean shit and run errands the rest of the week. Cause Jakey can’t handle the ruckus without having a seizure.”

            The pledges all breathed a sigh of relief. And then the frat brothers held up their paddles.

            “All right, everyone go grab a pledge. Let’s do this.”

            Andy looked at Rob. Rob stood and walked over to him. He grabbed Andy by the neck and pulled him to the wall. “Lean here and bend over.”

            Around the room, pledges were shoved into position. The upperclassman held up a stopwatch. “Ten minutes! Starting… now!”

            Andy stared at the wall as Rob’s paddle struck him. And just as he feared, he liked it. Please, no. Not now. Anything but that. Stay down. He willed himself flaccid. All around, brothers were laughing and jeering.

            “Say thank you, bitch!”

            “You gonna cry, faggot?”

            “Welcome to the party!”

            Andy clenched his teeth. His bottom quickly grew sore, then numb. Just a little longer. It would all be over in a few more minutes.

            Then Rob joined the shouting. “Why so quiet? Come on! Squeal for me, piggy! Wheeee! Wheeee!”

            Andy’s blood ran cold. His eyes went wide, gazing into nothing. He didn’t feel the swats anymore. His heart ached. He couldn’t breathe.

            The timer ran down. The paddles stopped. Andy stood up straight. The pledges were released, and Andy went back to his dorm room.

            He hid under his blanket. After a while, there was a knock at the door. “Andy?”

            Rob. Of course Rob. “Door’s open.”

            Andy stepped inside and shut the door. He sat on the bed by Andy’s feet. “I’m sorry.”

            “How could you do that? That was too far, Rob.”

            “The others were looking at me. I didn’t know what else to do.”

            “Not that. That was personal. Do you joke about me to your buddies when I’m not there? You tell them what a fucked-up loser I am?”

            Rob put his hand on Andy’s leg. “No. I messed up. I’m sorry. What can I do? How do I fix this?”

            Andy sniffled. “I love you, Rob. It hurts because I love you. I need you to understand that.”

            “Andy…”

            “You don’t have to say it back. You won’t mean it.”

            Rob winced. He gently pulled the blanket back. Andy’s eyes and nose were red, and his hair was a mess. “Hey. Just because I hurt you doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I love you, Andy. I want to be a better man for you. Sometimes I’ll fail. But I’ll always keep trying.”

            That’s what Rob had promised. But it was hard to tell if he really kept that promise.

            After pledge week, Andy moved into Rob’s room at the frat house. They marked the occasion by making love in Andy’s new bed. It was his first time. Rob was gentle. They covered their hushed moans with the sound of lecture cassettes. Nobody would interrupt ‘studying’, and they knew it.

            Andy hugged his pillow, ass in the air, as Rob eased in and out of him. The lube helped—there wasn’t much pain. He muffled his groans into his pillow. Every sensation was new and overwhelming. Eyes shut tight, he took it all. He came twice before Rob did. And when it was over, he curled up on his side, sore but satisfied.

            Rob stood and pulled his pajama pants back up. “Guess I don’t have to ask if you enjoyed yourself.” He chuckled and stroked Andy’s head. “Do I?”

            Andy hummed. “Nope. Will you hold me?”

            Rob turned his head to look at the door. “We’re risking enough as it is.” He turned off the cassette. “Just go to sleep.” He got into his own bed and faced the wall.

            Andy pulled his blanket over himself. This wasn’t how he imagined losing his virginity would be. The sex itself was amazing—better than he had ever hoped for. But he had always expected the other person to want to stay, even for a few minutes. Andy worried that maybe it was asking too much. Maybe it was greedy. And after Rob had given him so much pleasure, it was probably unreasonable to want that closeness. In the morning, he woke up early to wash the dried semen from his body before anyone would notice.

            Soon, it was summer, and Rob and Andy had made love countless times. The last class of the last day ended, and the two met on the roof of Fall Creek’s hydroelectric plant. They sat with a case of beer between them and looked out over the water. Andy sighed. “I don’t want to go home.”

            Rob leaned closer and kissed Andy’s cheek. “Gonna miss me?”

            “Of course I’ll miss you. I’ll miss having someone who actually likes being around me. But I also don’t want to go back to hiding every minute of the day. I hate never being enough.”

            “Then don’t go home.”

            Andy looked at Rob. “What do you mean?”

            “I’m spending the break at my summer house. Dad says I have to be more responsible. So I’m supposed to try being on my own for the summer. You can come stay with me.”

            Andy thought for a moment. “What do I tell my parents?”

            Rob shrugged. “Do they care?”

            “I guess they won’t. I’ll ask them later.”

            “Sure.” Rob took Andy’s hand. They kissed. Rob undid his fly. “I think I deserve something in return. You okay with that?”

            Andy looked down. It was already out. Hard. “I want it.” He shifted to a more comfortable position, then went down. It tasted wonderful.

            He called home when they got back. His mother seemed all too happy to be rid of him for the summer. And Andy was free. He stayed with Rob, and they spent their days on the lake and their nights having sex.

            In the fall, they came back tanned and toned. And still, Rob couldn’t get enough of Andy. By January, Andy’s grades had fallen to Cs. And then he failed Introduction to Psychology. His parents called to scold him, and all the while, Rob was standing there naked.

            Andy hung up and turned to Rob. “Do you even care?”

            “About what?”

            Andy sighed. Rob’s grades were still all As. It had to be Andy’s own failing that was to blame. And in the moment, he needed the comfort of Rob’s body. “Nevermind. Just fuck me.”

            Eventually, he clawed his way back up to high Bs. Rob rewarded him with sex. At graduation, Rob celebrated with sex. When they each got their first jobs, sex. When either of them bought a car, sex. When Andy needed it, sex. When Rob wanted it, sex.

            Years passed. Andy got a job with Dunder Mifflin. He did his best to fit in. Now and then, he would go see Rob. And every time, Rob would kick him out after sex. Andy was used to it. Occasionally, his parents would call, asking him why he wasn’t married yet.

            “People will start talking if you don’t settle down soon.”

            “I know, mom.”

            “Walter Jr. has already been engaged twice. The least you could do is find a girlfriend.”

            “I know. I can’t force anyone to date me, mom.”

            “No, not these days. Not with your generation. But you could try harder, couldn’t you?”

            Andy’s frustration built. The effort of hiding, the loneliness of Rob’s rejection, the pressure from his parents… It was too much to bear. And sometimes Andy snapped. Little things became intolerable. A stolen yoghurt. A fallen stack of files. The inexplicable jello encasing his calculator. Andy always felt ashamed after. But he couldn’t stop. Sometimes he couldn’t bring himself to go home, knowing it would be empty.

            A late night of working felt like the right time to relax. He needed some time to breathe, and he didn’t want to be alone. Karen and Big Tuna had no choice but to keep him company. He could almost pretend they were all just hanging out. And with a decent supply of Jäger, he could let his guard down.

            A dozen shots in, and Andy was on the floor. He looked up at the ceiling and thought of Rob. They didn’t hang out as much these days. Rob didn’t want to talk or sing with him like they used to. It was all sex, with only small talk and kissing before they went into the bedroom. Andy knew he was lucky to have as much as that. Without Rob, Andy would be alone. No man to satisfy his need for affection. And yet, there was something missing.

            He thought back to the moment they met. The day he joined Here Comes Treble. How beautiful Rob was as he sang.

            Andy drunkenly warbled that same song. It felt melancholy now. Those days would never come back. And as much as he loved Rob, as guilty as he felt for needing more, he could only mourn what once was.

            A voice joined his. Just as drunk. Just as tired. Andy pulled himself up and saw Tuna there, singing along with him. His face lit up. This was what he needed: a moment of real connection, human to human. His passion filled his voice, and he felt like himself again. Even for just a moment. He felt alive.

            “Tuna! Are you kidding me!”

            The next few days felt like rebirth. Tuna was his friend now—he had to be. God, he needed a friend. He felt hopeful. Maybe he could even improve things with Rob. Maybe they could deepen their relationship. Maybe he just needed to try.

            Andy snapped out of his musings. His coffee was cold. It had been for hours. He glanced up at Oscar. He wished he could talk to him.

            His phone buzzed in his pocket. Rob.

            Come over and sit on it.

            Andy sighed. Maybe he just needed to try.

Chapter Text

Ch 4: Just One More Hit

            Andy snapped his phone shut and sighed. There were a few more hours left before work was over. He looked at his monitor screen. Over and past his monitor. At Oscar. Andy wished he could talk to him. Wished he could ask what a normal relationship was like between men. Closeted men. Yeah, like there was anything normal about that.

            Maybe in a perfect world, Andy could even bring Rob home to meet his parents. But a perfect world wasn’t real. Mr. and Mrs. Walter Bernard had made it all too clear that what Andy was was something shameful. Disgusting. Unacceptable. And there was no room for changing their minds. It was bad enough when his grade-school teachers kept recommending he be assessed for things. Back then, he had only been punished for letting his struggles show. What would the others at the country club say? Just be normal, Andrew. Try harder. Do better.

            Andy shook his head. No point thinking about it. He tried to focus on work. His mind kept going back to Rob. Maybe it was his own fault he wasn’t happy. Had he really tried? Had he given it his all? Even if he couldn’t come right out and tell Rob what was bothering him, maybe he could steer him in a better direction. One where they were more than just a couple of guys who fucked sometimes. One where Andy felt loved again.

            He looked up at the sound of the door opening. Jim was coming back from a sales call. Jim had a normal relationship. Healthy, happy, fulfilled. Heterosexual. How did he do it? How did he make it seem so… effortless? Andy wanted to study him. Pick him apart and figure out how he made it work.

            Jim caught him staring. “Sup, Andy?”

            “Just thinkin’ about stuff.”

            “What kinda stuff?”

            “Things.”

            “Enlightening.” Jim sat at his desk.

            Andy turned back to his work. It hit him a minute too late that he was being weird. He tried to focus on his order forms. He couldn’t. After fifteen minutes of faking it, he opened his phone again. He stared at the text from Rob.

            Come over and sit on it.

            Rob never texted anything that wasn’t a demand for sex. No flirting, no thinking-of-yous, no comments about his day. Only sex. And as excited as Andy got reading them, they weren’t enough. And he felt guilty for wanting more. He prayed for a distraction. Something to make the day go faster. His own thoughts were torture.

            Finally, it was five o’clock. Andy bolted out of his chair, already set to go. He got into the elevator and jammed his thumb into the lobby button. He drove straight to Rob’s place. He knew what he had to do. He had to make Rob notice he needed things too.

            He let himself into the apartment and shut the door. Rob was on the couch again. His cock was out, hard in his hand.

            “Hey, Andy.”

            Andy looked at it. “Already?”

            “I heard your car in the lot and got excited. Can you blame me?”

            Andy set his things down and sat next to Rob on the couch. He had gone over everything in his head on the way over. A dozen times, at least. Yes, he wanted Rob. There was no way he wouldn’t. Just being in his apartment made Andy anticipate touch. He was nervous. It was a big step to ask for anything at all. He had to start somewhere a little familiar. Sex.

            “Rob?”

            “Yeah?”

            Anxiety twisted his gut. Every atom in his body screamed at him to give up and just take what Rob was already willing to give him. He grounded himself. In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four.

            “Um… D’ya think, maybe, we could try something different?”

            Rob cocked an eyebrow. “Oh? Some naughty fantasy you’ve been keeping from me?”

            “Kinda?” Andy felt dizzy. It was harder to breathe. “I mean, it’s definitely something we’ve never done before…”

            Rob grinned. “Keep talking.”

            Andy swallowed around the lump in his throat. Dread gripped him. Still, he pushed onward. “I, uh… I wanted to ask… I mean, if it’s okay… if you would…” He shut his eyes tight and forced the words out. “Go down on me?” He hid his face in his hands and waited.

            It was something Rob had never done, never offered. Rob was far from giving in the bedroom. Even the occasional handjob was an act of domination. And there was nothing dominant about giving head. Andy knew it. He wanted something purely selfless from Rob. Just to know he was capable of it.

            He peeked between his fingers. Rob wasn’t smiling anymore. “Do you really think that’s fair, Andy?”

            Panic stabbed through Andy’s heart. “But I suck you off all the time.”

            “Yeah. And you like it.” Rob stood up and crossed his arms. “You want me to do something I don’t like? That’s incredibly selfish, Andy.”

            Panic became heartbreak. “Please don’t be mad.”

            “You got me all worked up, thinking you were gonna want some kind of roleplay or something. Then you pull this crap? That’s unfair, Andy. Really fucking unfair.” His voice was calm, but stern. Almost fatherly.

            Andy felt sick. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. He hung his head. He wanted to take it all back. “I’m sorry.”

            Rob glared down at him. “I don’t believe you.”

            “Rob, please. I’m really sorry.” His voice trembled. “Please sit down. I won’t ask ever again, okay? I’m sorry.”

            “Are you really sorry, Andy?”

            “Really. I mean it.”

            Rob sat down again. “Prove it. Since you love blowjobs so much, you can give me one.” His cock was still out, still hard. “Then I’ll forgive you.”

            Andy felt the weight of the world in his chest. He nodded. He slid off the couch and crawled between Rob’s legs. He wrapped his hand around Rob’s shaft and stroked it.

            “I love you, Rob.”

            “Shut up and suck it.”

            Andy licked the tip. He hated himself for liking the taste of it. He dragged his tongue up the shaft, then took the head in his mouth. He sucked on it gently for a while, then worked his way down. His mouth filled, little by little. It felt wrong, how much he liked it. It felt good. It tasted good. And Rob was starting to relax.

            “That’s it. There’s my good boy.”

            Rob was right. Andy loved giving head. So it really wasn’t too big an apology. Wasn’t asking too much. But still, it felt like a punishment. Some weird, bizarro-world punishment, but still. It was confusing. And Andy still wasn’t sure what he had done wrong.

            He hummed until his throat could take Rob’s tip. Past the uvula before he could choke. Andy slurped and gagged and held tight to the front of Rob’s pants.

            Forgive me. Love me.

            Rob moaned and pet Andy’s hair. He never forced him. Never even asked if he could. It was hotter for Andy to want this. More degrading for Andy to do it all and do it eagerly.  

            Andy was hard. His erection tented his khakis. It was harder to think. Harder to focus on what he had meant to get from Rob. He kept sucking. Hard and deep and greedy. He swallowed Rob’s cock over and over again. His eyes watered from the strain in his jaw and the effort not to choke. He backed off to let himself breathe. “Rob…” He licked it all over. “Am I good?”

            “So good, baby.”

            “You know what I want.”

            “Yeah, I know.”

            “Please?”

            “Yeah. You’ve earned it.”

            Rob stood up and pushed Andy’s head back. “Open.” He jerked himself the rest of the way, two inches from Andy’s face. He groaned through clenched teeth as he came. Hot ropes shot from his dick and landed across Andy’s open mouth. This was Andy’s favorite.

            Andy licked his lips and sighed. He got to his feet and went into the bathroom to clean himself off. Rob leaned against the doorway. “See, you love it. I forgive you, Andy.”

            “Thanks, Rob.” The words felt wrong.

            Rob patted Andy’s shoulder. “You can go ahead and go home now.”

            Andy dried his face and gathered his things. He stopped at the door for a moment, trying to decide what to say. He shook his head. It didn’t matter.

            He got in his car and turned the ignition. The apartment complex shrank in the rearview mirror as Andy drove away. He mulled over things in his head as he pulled onto the freeway. Was Rob right? Was it asking too much? Why was it asking too much?

            Sure, Rob had a right to not like things. And just because Andy agreed to do things for Rob, it didn’t mean Rob had to agree to anything. But something was still wrong about what Rob had said. About how Rob had reacted. Andy just couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

            He replayed the conversation over and over. He tried to figure out where it all went wrong. And every time he remembered the look of indignation on Rob’s face, he shrank into himself. The road became blurry. Andy stopped the car on the shoulder.

            In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four. Could he have asked better? Had he been too pushy? In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four. Was the problem that he had asked at all? In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four. But why?

            The breathing wasn’t working. Andy rested his forehead on the steering wheel. He knew he had trouble understanding things. Things everybody else seemed to know from birth. And he knew it was wrong to ask people why they were upset. You should just know, they all said. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. There had to be something he was missing.

            Frustration built within him until it escaped the pressure in wet streaks down his face and hoarse sobs through his teeth. The dashboard radio took the brunt of his tantrum. He didn’t even know he was hitting it.

            It was dark when he calmed down and made it home. His hand was bloody. The radio was a jagged pit in the dash. He would have to get a new one.

            He showered and put on his pajamas. A little gauze and bandage for his hand. He was exhausted. He fell asleep with Rob’s taste in his mouth and Rob’s words in his heart. Heavy. Aching. Bitter.

Chapter Text

Ch 5: I Promise

            Andy woke up late the next day. He rushed through his morning routine and barely made it into work on time. Everyone looked up from their desks. Andy hung up his coat and turned around. The others were still staring.

            “What? What’re you all looking at?” He smiled nervously.

            Jim spoke first. “What happened to your hand there, Andy?”

            Andy tensed. He tried to joke his way out of the subject. “You should see the other guy.”

            The room full of eyes seemed to take that literally. Pam spoke gently. “What did you do, Andy?”

            “No, not like that. Come on. Uh, no. The ‘other guy’ is my car.”

            “That’s not better,” Phyllis said.

            “Well, it’s not the wall,” Andy spat. He stopped himself. “Sorry. Just kinda on-edge today. Can everyone just go back to what you were doing?”

            There were a few mutters of agreement, and the matter was dropped. Andy went to his desk and tried his best to focus. But everything that had happened last night kept gnawing at him. Had been gnawing at him. And as he pretended to work, he decided he could handle the risk of seeking advice. As long as he was careful. As long as he kept his secrets.

            He walked through the kitchen and toward the annex. He peeked into Kelly’s nook. She wasn’t there, which meant she was probably gone for a while. Probably. Andy knocked on the cubicle wall around Toby’s workspace.

            “Tobes. You got a minute?”

            Toby turned and looked up. “What’s up, Andy?” He gestured at the empty chair beside his desk.

            Andy took a seat. He was silent for a moment—he hadn’t actually planned out what to say. Finally, he spoke. “I need some advice.”

            Toby lit up, as much as his dead-inside eyes could. “Sure. What, uh, what’s going on?”

            Andy twiddled his thumbs. He still didn’t know how to unpack his fight with Rob, and he wasn’t sure who had really been in the wrong. “So like, in general, broadly, what makes something selfish or unfair? Like, what’s the essence of that, or whatever?”

            “Did something happen?” Toby looked at Andy. He noticed the discomfort radiating from him. “What’s going on?”

            “I asked you first,” Andy said petulantly.

            “Can I get a little context?”

            Andy drummed his fingers on his knees. The longer this took, the more likely someone could eavesdrop. He bit the bullet. “One person asks for something, and the other person gets super mad and says the first person is being selfish and unfair.” It was as much as he could say.

            Toby considered for a moment. He knew Andy was still working on himself after anger management. Maybe this was part of it. Maybe some argument with a coworker he was learning to navigate. “Which person is you?”

            Andy heard Kelly walking back to her nook, babbling at Ryan behind her. Andy sighed in frustration. “Just forget it.” He stood and went back to his desk.

            Over the next two hours, the rest of the office disappeared and reappeared one by one through the kitchen door. Andy was focused on Rob work and didn’t notice. Nor did he notice clumps of coworkers whispering together and looking at him. Then Kevin stood up, looking determined, and went to Andy’s desk. The others pretended not to look.

            “Hey, Andy?”

            Andy looked up. “What up, Kev?”

            “Remember last week when you took a client out for lunch?”

            “Yeah?”

            Kevin spoke deliberately, pointedly. “If I asked you for the receipts for that, would that be selfish and unfair?”

            Andy frowned. He set down his pencil and stood up. “Everyone, can you guys listen for a minute?” He sighed. “I assume you all talked to Toby? Yeah. Okay. First of all, it has nothing to do with anything or anyone here. And also, it’s none of anyone’s damn business. M’kay? So can I please have my privacy?” He sat down without waiting for a response. Kevin went back to his own desk.

            The whispers did not stop. Only Michael was left out of the gossip, and only because he happened to be stuck at home with food poisoning.

            At lunch break, Andy took his caprese salad to the breakroom. He stared down into it as he contemplated. He should have known better than to expect tact from Toby. The man didn’t have the balls to do his job right, and he certainly didn’t seem to care about anyone’s discomfort.

Andy found himself wishing, as he often did, that he could go to a therapist. But that simply wasn’t the Bernard way. Of course not. Bernard men were expected to sweep it all under the rug, and never let on that things were any less than perfect. Bitterly, he thought to himself that his coworkers had nothing stopping them from getting what they needed. Even just a frank and open conversation.

            He thought about Rob. Rob, at least, was like him. Raised under the pressure of keeping up appearances. Always perfect. Always in line. Yet Rob thrived. Andy didn’t. Andy always fell just short of acceptable. Only Rob could make him feel like he was good enough to deserve love.

            While Andy stewed in his thoughts, poking his lunch more than eating it, Pam, Erin, and Oscar approached his table. Erin broke the silence. “Andy?”

            Andy looked up. He snapped back into that familiar mask of Carefree Andy. “What’s up?”

            The others sat down. Pam gave him a concerned expression. “Is everything okay?”

            Andy frowned. “I told you, it’s none of your business.”

            Erin leaned an inch closer. “Is it something to do with your family?” For the brief time they were together, Erin had noticed something uncomfortable in the anecdotes and passing mentions of Andy’s family. Pam and Oscar could see it more clearly than she could, and came to the same conclusion.

            “What are you guys not getting? Can’t I have my own problems without anyone prying into things?”

            Oscar crossed his arms. “Really? This coming from the guy who went through my desk to see if I was having an affair with my cable man?”

            “Hey, that was different.”

            “How? This is literally the exact same thing.”

            Andy scowled. Oscar just didn’t get it. And Andy couldn’t explain it. How could he? Anything he could say would let everything slip. “What would it take to make everyone drop this?”

            The three answered in unison: “The truth!”

            “Well, you can’t have it. Okay?”

            Pam pleaded, “Andy, please. We’re worried about you.”

            “I said no.”

            Erin shrank into herself. Oscar threw his hands up. “This is so out of character. You never keep secrets. You can’t go from oversharing even your bathroom problems to suddenly wanting privacy and expect us not to worry. We’re worried!”

            Andy stood up. “Stop worrying! The hell do you know about anything?? You don’t even have anything worth clamming up about!” He stormed out of the breakroom, slamming his uneaten salad in the trash as he left.

            He returned to his desk. He leaned back in his chair and grabbed a stress ball from the side drawer. In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four. Again. Again. Again. Too close. Much too close.

            He knew, damn well, there would only be more gossip. More whispers. More speculation. Bile crept up his throat, and he swallowed it back down. And when he was calm enough, he took out his phone and texted Rob.

            I need you. 

Chapter Text

Ch 6: I Can Deal With It

            Semen flooded Andy’s insides. He gasped and whined and came hard, painting his belly and chest. Every muscle tightened and spasmed. Rob gripped Andy’s legs, hooked over his shoulders, and pumped the last of his seed inside.

            “Oh, yeah! Take it all! Attaboy!”

            Then their bodies relaxed. Rob pulled out and gently lowered Andy’s bottom to the bed. He rolled off and sighed happily. “You did good, baby. You can go.”

            Andy lay there, panting. He tingled with post-orgasmic euphoria. But the dismissal still hurt. The sex fog in his head gave him the strength to try once more to push for Rob’s affection.

            “Rob… I don’t want to leave yet.”

            Rob turned his head. “You wanna go again?” He grinned. “You must really love my cock.”

            Andy hummed a sigh. “I mean, yeah. I do like it. But I was thinking something more emotionally intimate. You know?”

            Rob frowned. “Emotionally? What, you want a cuddle?” The question was bladed with sarcasm.

            “I mean… Yeah… I do want to cuddle. Just for a minute?” He looked at Rob with hopeful eyes.

            “God, Andy.” Rob turned away. “I don’t get why you’re suddenly so needy lately. Isn’t it enough we make love so much?”

            Andy sat up and grabbed his pants from the foot of the bed. “Forget it.” He got dressed and left.

            He had wanted the time to talk. A chance to keep trying. A window to tell Rob what he needed. And as he drove home, he had no choice but to accept it: he had no idea what he was doing. No idea how to even talk to Rob.

            He unlocked his apartment and tossed his briefcase onto the couch. His phone buzzed. He went to the bedroom to undress for a shower and opened his phone. Rob. There, filling the screen, was a photo of Rob’s hard cock.

            Andy felt sick. He stripped and went into the bathroom. The hot water didn’t soothe him. The soaps didn’t wash away the dirty feeling.

            The next morning, Andy’s body felt stiff. Unrested. He couldn’t bring himself to eat breakfast. His hand hovered over the cupboard door. The cuts had stopped bleeding, but he still wrapped it in fresh bandages. Rob hadn’t even noticed.

            The drive to work was quiet. No singing, no radio. Well, there couldn’t be radio anyway. It didn’t matter. Andy drove in silence. He parked in the lot and trudged into the building. He was early—about twenty minutes.

            He couldn’t handle working things out with Rob on his own. His feet led him back to the annex. Back to Toby.

            “Tobes. You busy?”

            Toby turned around in his chair. He saw Andy, looking weary and despondent. “Hey. You okay, Andy?”

            Andy sat down and folded his hands together. “Whaddaya got on negotiation and conflict stuff?”

            “You know, I can’t really help you without some context.”

            “I’m not looking for help. I’m asking for pamphlets or whatever. Books, if you got any.”

            Toby sighed through his nose. After yesterday, he knew the issue wasn’t Andy’s coworkers. More than a couple people he had talked with suggested family drama. It made enough sense. He opened a drawer and flicked through the various topics he had pamphlets on.

            “Something going on in your personal life?”

            Andy scoffed. “I don’t exactly trust you after yesterday, Tobes.”

            “Well… you’re here.”

            “I guess.” Andy hesitated. Fuck it. “It’s just some relationship problems.”

            Toby looked up. “You’re with somebody? I didn’t know that.”

            “You don’t have to know everything.”

            “Who is it?”

            Andy felt his face burning and stood up. “Nobody you know. Do you have anything or not?”

            “Yeah…” Toby pulled out a few different leaflets and booklets, then jotted down some book titles. Andy took the stack and shoved it all into his briefcase.

            He tried to put it all out of his head. At least for now. He checked his schedule for meetings, then his emails for… emails. A few clients wanted changes to their orders. Inkjet instead of bond; fifty reams instead of fifteen; matte instead of gloss. The orders had already been sent out, so Andy called each client to see what could be done.

            It was a good distraction from his private life. He finished with the last phone call about an hour before lunch. He felt productive. Even a little proud. He ripped his notes from the legal pad on his desk and tossed it in the trash. He swiveled in his chair, taking a glance around the office to reset his eyes.

            Michael came through the door, back from sick leave. He stopped at reception. “Hey, Erin. Any messages?”

            Erin shook her head. “No, but I got you a card.” She handed it to him.

            “Oh that’s nice of you. And, um,” He lowered his voice. “You didn’t tell anyone I accidentally ate off the floor, did you?”

            She shook her head again. Michael nodded and headed to the kitchen to drop off is lunch. He stopped at Andy’s desk.

            “Woah. What happened there?” He pointed at Andy’s bandaged hand.

            Andy gave the best nonchalant look he could. “I punched my car radio.” He hoped seeming calm would trick Michael into ignoring the matter.

            “Oh good; it was off company property.” Michael patted Andy’s shoulder and continued to the kitchen.

            Andy looked to Stanley and Phyllis. They didn’t seem to be paying attention. Andy relaxed and went back to his work. After a few minutes of finding a spot in the fridge, Michael came back and stopped by Andy again.

            “What did the radio do to you?”

            “I wasn’t mad at the radio, Michael.” Andy hit the keys slightly harder than necessary.

            Phyllis piped up. “Andy got into an argument with somebody.”

            Andy scowled. “Thanks, Phyllis. Anybody else’s business you wanna blurt out?”

            Michael raised his brows. “I puke my guts out for one day. Who’d you fight with? What happened?”

            “I don’t want to talk about it.”

            “Come aaaaaaan. Tell me.”

            “No, Michael!” Andy shouted.

            The others looked up and stared. Michael stepped back. “Okay.” He retreated into his office and shut the blinds.

            Andy held his head in his hands. He could feel his coworkers still gawking. He stayed like that until lunch break, then went out to his car and sat in it. His hands clamped onto the steering wheel. I can still make it through the day. I will keep calm. I can handle this.

            He wanted, more than anything, to talk to Rob. To lean on him in moments like these. To be held and comforted. But he knew better. He couldn’t even ask.

            He left work early. It was Friday, and everything important was finished. He drove home, thinking of Rob. Rob. Always Rob. In his apartment, he sat on the couch with a glass of merlot and looked over everything Toby had given him. He fanned it all out on the coffee table and picked up a glossy trifold from the pile: some handout on ‘Couples’ Conflicts’ with a sterile-smiling ‘couple’ on the front. Andy winced. They looked too happy, too perfect. The kind of man and woman he was expected to be and be with.

            It was hard to focus. Everything was written in an excruciating tone, at once dull and saccharine. Still, Andy pushed himself, reading every sentence over until it made sense. He finished the pamphlet with the last sip of wine. Exhausted, he checked his phone. No messages. Part of him felt relieved that Rob didn’t want him to come over.

            Saturday was spent struggling through more pamphlets and booklets, taking notes as well as he could. He tried to plan out what to do with everything he read. Tried to. Failed to. He walked through the possibilities in his head, only to end up in Rob’s bed in every scenario. He groaned in defeat and slid his hand into his pants.

            Sunday was easier. His head was clearer, enough to work out a loose cluster of ideas. A start. Something. He showered and headed over to Rob’s place. When he opened the door, Rob was standing by the far window overlooking the parking lot.

            “Andy. You didn’t call.”

            Andy took of his coat and tossed it to the couch. “Can we talk?”

            Rob stiffened. “Why?”

            “Please.”

            Rob turned around. His expression was tense. He walked closer to Andy and set his hands on his chest. “You came here to talk. Fine. You talk. I’ll listen.”

            Andy relaxed a little. He started to feel a little silly for all his worrying. Even so, actually having the conversation was scary. “Do you love me, Rob?”

            “Of course I do.” Rob closed the distance between them. His hands moved lower, groping Andy’s tits. Andy whimpered and felt himself stirring down south. Fuck.

            “Do you really love me, or do you just like sleeping with me?”

            “You don’t believe me?”

            “That’s not what I meant.” He bit his lip. Rob kissed his neck. Andy grabbed hold of Rob’s sweater and pulled him closer. “I just… I need more than that.”

            “More than what?”

            “Rob, I can’t think when you do that. Oh!” Rob sucked a love bite into Andy’s neck. His hand slid under Andy’s shirt and toyed with his nipple.

“Rob! F-fuck!”

            “Why don’t we finish talking after I show you just how much I love you?”

            Andy whined, partly from pleasure and partly from frustration. Frustration at Rob. Frustration at himself. It was no use. He was already hard. He gave in. “You promise?”

            Rob chuckled into Andy’s neck. “Come to bed.”

            Andy nodded. He followed Rob to the bedroom, cursing himself for his weakness. The two of them undressed, and Rob got on the bed.

            “Hop on, baby.”

            Andy grabbed the lube from the dresser and climbed over Rob’s lap. He coated his fingers and reached behind himself to open the way. He looked down at Rob as he fingered himself. Rob looked back up at him with a smug grin. “Tell me what you want.”

            “I want to make love.”

            Andy’s fingers left his hole. He held Rob’s dick in place and lowered himself onto it. Slowly. Gently. He gazed into Rob’s eyes until it was all the way in. Then he leaned forward and grabbed the headboard. “Touch me, Rob.”

            Rob trailed his fingertips up Andy’s thighs. He cupped his ass and squeezed. His dominant hand moved across Andy’s hip and closed around his prick. “Like this?”

            Andy bit his lip and nodded. He raised himself a little, then lowered again. A shaky sigh left his lips. “Feels even bigger like this.”

            “Yeah?”

            “Uh-huh.” He found a good rhythm, up and down along Rob’s shaft. He felt Rob stretching him. Electric friction deep inside. “So good…”

            “That’s it. Ride that cock.”

            A little faster now. A little rougher. Andy whined and ground down into Rob’s lap. Rob stroked Andy’s tiny dick, gently enough not to tip him over the edge too early. “Bounce on it, Andy.”

            Andy rode him faster, and faster still, slamming down and bouncing back up again. His nails bit into the wood of the headboard. He felt dizzy. “Fuck! S-so deep!”

            “Ohh yeah… Just like that. You’re doing so good.” Rob’s hips bucked up into Andy’s ass. He couldn’t stop. He groaned and panted, driving his cock deeper and deeper. His balls swung and slapped against Andy.

            Andy sobbed with pleasure. “Say it again!”

            “You’re doing good, baby. You’re amazing. So good at riding me.”

            “Feels too good! Don’t stop!” He threw his head back and kept going. Harder. Faster. His eyes glazed over. “More! More!” His nerves were on fire. “Oh my god!”

            Rob clenched his teeth and groaned. His stomach tightened into a searing knot. “Fuck, I’m close.” He jerked Andy faster. “Cum for me, Andy.”

            Andy gasped and cried out. Before he even knew it was coming, his load splashed up Rob’s chest. He was still spilling over when Rob flipped them both over and jackhammered into him. “Gonna cum! Say you want it!”

            “I want it! Cum in me!”

            Rob grunted with every pump of semen he fed into Andy’s asshole. He pulled out and shot the last few spurts over Andy’s balls. “Mmh. Fuck yeah.” He patted Andy’s bottom and rolled over onto his back.

            “Good job, Andy. You can leave.”

Chapter Text

Ch 7: I’ll Handle It

            Andy caught his breath. He stayed there, in Rob’s bed. “You promised we would talk.”

            Rob rolled his eyes. “I don’t see what we have to talk about. We have a good thing going here, don’t we? Am I not good enough now?”

            “Don’t put words in my mouth. I love you. I want to stay with you. I just need to be able to talk to you. Can I talk?”

            “We are talking.”

            “Are we? If I tell you what’s bothering me, will you listen?”

            Rob turned his head and glared at Andy. “There shouldn’t be anything bothering you. I don’t hit you, I don’t abuse you, I don’t treat you like shit. What the hell is so bad we have to talk about it?”

            Andy threw his hands up in frustration. “That! That right there. We don’t talk. We never talk! What happened, Rob? We used to do so much more than just fuck! I don’t want a fuck buddy; I want a boyfriend.”

            Rob sat up and grabbed his underwear. “What, you want dates? You want to go out together and let everybody know we’re fags? Andy, you know what it’s like out there.”

            “It doesn’t have to be in public.” Andy stood and got dressed. “Just forget it.” His stomach started to hurt. His blood screamed at him to stop pushing. Stop pushing before he lost the one person who loved him. He circled around the bed to Rob’s side and kissed him. “I don’t want to fight.”

            Rob took Andy’s hand. “I don’t want to fight, either. Let’s just pretend this never happened. Okay?”

            Andy’s heart sank. “Okay.” He left the bedroom. Left the apartment. He drove home, showered, and went to bed.

            He couldn’t sleep. What had he done wrong? He went over it all in his head until morning. He was just starting to drift off when his alarm clock blared. Monday morning. Work. Andy pulled himself out of bed and trudged to his closet.

            After his shower, he started a pot of coffee. It brewed as he got dressed, and waited for him patiently on the counter. Andy combed his hair and sighed at the dark circles under his eyes. Unacceptable. He covered up his weakness with concealer.

            At his desk, he struggled to stay awake. Coffee wasn’t helping. He went into the kitchen for yet another cup. He stood at the counter, stirring in sugar packets. Kelly walked in and reached past him for a mug. She caught a look at him from the corner of her eye and stopped.

            “Andy, you look like shit.”

            “Thanks, Kelly.”

            “Did you do something this weekend? I went out to this new club on Saturday—Ryan took me there. Oh my god; the drinks glowed in the dark. So I asked the bartender, ‘hey, why are the drinks glowing’, and of course he didn’t answer me. And then my favorite song started playing, so I took Ryan to the dance floor. But he was just on his phone the whole time, so I left and got a taxi home. But you shouldn’t go out on Sundays. Why did you go out on a Sunday?”

            “I didn’t.”

            “Then why didn’t you get any sleep? Cause you look like hell.”

            Andy took a sip of his coffee. “Personal stuff.” It was still bitter. He tore open a couple more sugar packets and dumped them in.

            “You have a fight with your girlfriend?”

            That woke Andy up. “What?”

            “You told Toby last week you were having problems with your girlfriend.”

            “You were eavesdropping? What the hell?”

            Kelly set her cup down. “You didn’t even tell me you had a girlfriend. I thought we were friends.”

            Andy groaned and left the kitchen. He went back to his desk and tried to work. He managed about an hour before his brain ran empty. Normally, he didn’t goof off before noon, but he knew he needed it. Just for a few minutes, then back to work. He pulled up minesweeper and let his focus recharge.

            He felt a presence next to him and startled back. “Jesus.” Dwight was leaning down over his shoulder, looking at the game.

            “Your strategy is terrible. Are you even trying to win?”

            “Not really, no.” Andy huffed and clicked on another square. Dwight seemed about to respond, but he stopped. He looked down the side of Andy’s collar.

            “You have a hickey.”

            Andy clamped a hand over his neck. “No, I don’t.” His face burned. “Go back to your own desk, weirdo.”

            The damage was done. The others were pretending not to stare. A few didn’t bother pretending. Andy glanced around at them. “What? Don’t act so scandalized.”

            Phyllis spoke up. “It’s just a little weird that you’re embarrassed.”

            “My private life is private, Phyllis.”

            “It’s usually not.” She gave Andy a knowing look.

            “And you smell like makeup,” Dwight added.

            Andy reached for his stress ball. “And why did you come to my desk, again?”

            “Don’t change the subject. Answer the question.”

            “You didn’t ask anything.”

            “The question was implied.”

            Andy stood and walked out of the office, taking his stress ball with him. He went into the stairwell and sat on the steps. There he hid until lunch, and afterward, he went back, hoping nobody would say anything more. They didn’t.

            On Tuesday, it became clear that Andy was the center of the office gossip. His coworkers wouldn’t look him in the eye. They went silent when he entered the room. He felt their stares burning holes in him. He texted Rob.

            Kind of a shitty day.

            He snapped his phone shut and went back to his list of small leads. He was on the phone with a potential client when his cell buzzed. Rob. Andy opened his texts to find a photo of Rob in a bathroom stall, cock in hand.

            This make your day better?

            Andy swallowed dryly. He shut his cellphone and cleared his throat. “Could you repeat that, please?” He finished with the client, then looked at the clock. The bathroom was out of the question. Too public. He stood and walked toward the kitchen. He stopped in front of Ryan’s ‘office’. The door was open, and Ryan was gone. Andy scolded himself as he slipped inside and locked the door.

            He was already flushed and breathing heavily. He opened his phone again. Another text.

            I’m waiting.

            Andy leaned against the locked door and pulled his sweater and shirt up to his neck. He took a photo of his chest and sent it to Rob. Rob answered. So shy. Show me more.

            Andy’s heart thrashed against his ribcage. He dropped his pants and stroked himself to full mast. It didn’t take long. He sat in Ryan’s chair and spread his legs, then took another photo. Rob responded in turn, showing an angle looking up from under his dick.

            The thrill of what they were doing was intoxicating. Andy knelt on the seat of Ryan’s chair and sent Rob a close view of his backside. That goes in here. He didn’t know if he was sounding sexy enough. It didn’t matter. He was too horny to care.

            Rob sent a close-up of the head of his cock. A bead of precum clung to the underside. Andy bit his lip. He sank to the floor, then opened his legs as far as they would go. He arranged his dick and balls on the floor so everything was on display. He held is phone high, looked up at it, and took a photo. Can I please cum?

            Dirty boy. Cum on the floor.

            Andy tugged his prick, gasping and smothering his noises. He ground his hips into the carpet, humping the floor as he jerked off. He swallowed the whine in his throat. Almost there. Almost.

            His cum pooled on the carpet, soaking down into it. He sent Rob a photo. I needed that. Then he wiped up what he could with a handful of tissues. He didn’t think Ryan would notice a little stain on the floor, but he couldn’t be sure. He put his pants back on and straightened his clothes. He pressed his ear to the door, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he snuck out and closed the door behind him.

            The rest of the day went by easier. After work, he went to Rob’s and they had sex. Andy tried again to talk about things. He stepped back into his underwear and tried to sound nonchalant. “How about this weekend, we rent a few movies together? You know, spend time together like we used to?”

            Rob hummed. “I’m busy this weekend.”

            “The whole weekend?”

            “Yeah. I’ll be out of town.”

            “Will you be able to call me?”

            “Out of state, I mean. My phone plan doesn’t do roaming.”

            Andy buttoned his shirt and fell silent. He knew Rob was lying. He didn’t know why. In his head, he wondered if Rob just didn’t want to give him room to have any serious talk. He dropped it.

            Wednesday. Andy hid a few pamphlets between the pages of his Cornell Alumni Magazine, paper-clipped in place. He read what he could throughout the day, hoping for all the right answers to come to him. He only felt more hopeless.

            He took his lunch into the breakroom. He looked over his magazine, barely touching his food. Oscar came in and sat across from Andy.

            “I can’t take this anymore. Andy, you’re not fooling anyone with the magazine trick. What is going on with your relationship?”

            Andy closed the magazine. “Why does everyone think it’s their business?”

            “Clearly, you need help. Could you open up just a little bit? For a second? Just so the rest of us don’t have to worry.”

            Andy looked at Oscar. “Will it get everyone off my back?”

            “Yes!”

            “Fine.” Andy steadied himself with a breath. He chose his words as carefully as he could. “When we first got together, this person was thoughtful and caring and we spent time together and we were just, you know, close. And now, I don’t even know if I’m cared about. We don’t talk or hang out, and I’m the one making all the compromises. I get kicked out after sex.” He trailed off. He was reluctant to admit how much better he felt. “There’s a lot more I just can’t put into words.”

            Oscar sat back. Something clicked in his head. Andy was playing the pronoun game. And Oscar knew that game all too well. He decided not to prod Andy about it. “Okay. And are you happy?”

            Andy stared down into his tupperware. “I don’t know…”

            “Maybe you should think about it. Really think about if this person is worth staying for.”

            “Thanks, I guess.” Andy picked at his food and fell silent.

            What did it even mean? What made a relationship worth it? He knew he didn’t want to lose Rob. Rob was the only man who had ever showed Andy what it was like to be wanted. Desired. Pleasured. But Rob also made him feel like an afterthought. A toy to be brought out and put away whenever Rob felt like it. That part was confusing. Sexually, Andy liked being used. But he still needed affection, and Rob wouldn’t give him that.

            Thursday, Andy’s coworkers badgered Oscar for information. Thankfully, Oscar only gave scraps to them. They left Andy alone about it, and Andy was grateful. Near the end of the day, he texted Rob.

            Board game? I can bring one over.

            Rob answered. How about poker?

            Last time we played, I had to blow you for all my money back.

            You could bet your body.

            Andy bit his lip. It was tempting. And it was still technically quality time together. And if I win?

            You won’t.

            Andy gave in. He went to Rob’s place and ended up bent over the coffee table. When Rob was done with him, he pulled out and patted Andy’s bottom. “You lost on purpose, didn’t you?”

            Andy chuckled. “No comment.” Cum dripped down his sac and into his briefs. He sighed. He pulled up his pants and stood up. “So I was thinking we could go do minigolf next week. What do you think?”

            “No.”

            “No? Just no? Not even an excuse?”

            Rob gathered the cards and put them back in the box. “I’m not going out on a date. Too risky. Why are you still here?”

            Andy gawked at Rob. “Excuse you?”

            “You know the drill. Get out.”

            Andy grabbed the box out of Rob’s hand and threw it across the room. “I’m a person, Rob. I’m not a sex doll. And I’m not your whore.” He stormed out of the apartment and drove home.

            He cursed himself for snapping like that. On the freeway, he began to panic. He had never spoken to Rob like that. Never lost his temper with him like that. He pulled over and called Rob.

            “Andy.”

            “I’m sorry, Rob.”

            “I forgive you. Don’t do it again.”

            Rob hung up. Andy closed his phone and set it on the passenger seat. He hid his face in his hands and sobbed.

            Friday morning, Andy woke up and stared at the ceiling. His dream was still fresh in his memory: a life with Rob, openly gay and unashamed. Picnics at the park, holding hands in public. Kissing without caring who could see. And then he woke up. And it was all over. Back to the cold reality of his closeted existence.

            He went to work. He waited for the elevator. Oscar came into the building and waited next to him. “Morning.”

            Andy didn’t respond. In that moment, he hated Oscar. Hated him for having the balls to live freely as himself. Oscar could have that perfect life. Not Andy. Never Andy. Not in a world where Andy would be disowned if his parents suspected for a moment what he was. Not in a world where he still flinched whenever anyone got close to the truth. Where his closest friends could turn their backs on him and leave him alone and unloved. Where the memory of his childhood bullies was still clear and harsh in his mind, and he could still remember being the young boy curled up on the bathroom floor, coughing up toilet water.

            The elevator dinged. The two men stepped inside. Oscar fidgeted. “Hey, um…”

            “What?”

            “Nevermind. I was gonna ask a personal question, but I thought better of it.”

            “Oh.”

            Work was slow. Too slow. Painfully slow. All the important stuff done earlier in the week, despite Andy’s distractions. Andy texted Rob. Thinking of you. Are you still mad?

            An hour later, Rob replied. Not mad anymore. You should buy me a new deck of cards, though. Lost a bunch of them.

            I’ll grab some next time I come over.

            The day went by without much excitement. Even the Andy-centric gossip was dying down. Andy gathered his things and headed out ten minutes early. He got in his car and called Rob, sliding his phone into the holder. Rob answered as Andy was pulling up to the first stoplight.

            “Hey, you.”

            “Hey, Rob. Thought I’d catch you before you had to leave for that thing this weekend.”

            “The… Oh yeah, that. No, that got cancelled last second. So I’m gonna deep-clean my apartment instead.”

            “Oh. Okay, yeah. I can come over and help out if you want?”

            “Nope. You and I both know there’d be no cleaning. You know how unresistible you are. With that sexy body I love so much.”

            Andy blushed. “Flatterer.”

            “Mmh. Just the thought is making me horny.”

            “You’re always horny.”

            “What are you wearing, hot stuff?”

            Andy played along, himself getting excited. “That mesh thing you like. With the window in the chest. Tiny shorts ready for you to rip them off me. What about you?”

            “Ooh, that sounds hot. I’m wearing leather boots. And nothing else.”

            “You know what those boots do to me.” Andy opened his fly and coaxed his dick out.

            “Yeah, I do. And I want you to polish my boots with your crotch. Will you do that for me, baby?”

            “Anything for you. I’ll hump your boots ‘til they shine.”

            “Good boy. I’m hard, Andy.”

            “So am I.”

            “You know what I want you to do, right?”

            Andy wrapped his hand around his prick as he got onto the freeway. In the back of his mind, he knew it was stupid. He knew it was dangerous. But, oh god, Rob was turning him on. “S-stroking it… Are you touching yours?”

            “You know I am. And I’m thinking how cute you must look, with your little thing in your hand. Oh, Andy. Seeing you like that is so hot.”

            “I like it when you watch. Want you to watch me play with it while you fuck me.”

            Andy moved over a couple lanes, then went back to stroking himself.

            Rob groaned. “You play with your dick, and I’ll play with your tits. I’ll make you cum so hard.”

            Andy gasped and whimpered. His hand pumped his dick frantically. He was close. So close. “F-f-fuck… We just started—I’m gonna… Oh, fuck.”

            “Cum, Andy.”

            Andy cried out and let go, and in that instant, the car swerved into the next lane. A pickup truck hit the corner of the bumper and Andy’s car spun around. Another car ran into him, crunching him against the divider. The airbag went off. Andy felt his head slam back into the headrest. Then nothing. Only void.

            He sat there, unconscious, covered in cum and pinned into place. His dick softened, now spent. His phone was now shut and sitting in the cupholder, where it fell.

Chapter Text

Ch 8: Quit It

            At some point, the void ended, and Andy dreamt. First, small fragments of dreams—not enough to remember or make sense of. Then longer ones as his brain mended itself. Dreams of Rob. Dreams of joy and pain and love.

            Andy woke up as the sun was rising on Monday morning. He was first aware of the pain, held back behind a dam that could only be heavy painkillers. Dull and half-real. For a while, he couldn’t move. Then his tongue revived, and he groaned. He looked around, and immediately realized his neck was held in place by a mass of plastic and fiberglass. His vision restricted to the ceiling and top of the curtains around the bed, he tried moving each of his limbs. Moving hurt. His left arm was wrapped in plaster and hung in a sling. He sighed. His good arm felt around for a nurse call button.

            He didn’t find it. A nurse came in to check on him. “Oh. You’re awake.” He went to Andy’s side and checked the chart hanging off the rail of the bed. “Hmm. Andrew Bernard. Found unconscious in a wrecked car on the freeway… Broken arm, fractured neck… Ooh. Possible sex crime? Should I get the police?”

            Andy shut his eyes, embarrassed. “Oh god. No. No, that wasn’t… That’s not what happened.”

            “Oh thank fuck. I would have been supposed to have called them right away. Please don’t sue the hospital.”

            “I don’t want to sue the hospital. What day is it?”

            “Uh, Monday… quarter to eight.”

            Andy groaned again. “Fuck. Did anyone grab my phone? I need to call work.”

            The nurse cocked his brow. “You wake up from a coma and your first thought is your job?” He shrugged. “Let me check your box of crap.” He stooped down to open the side table and dug around. “Yep. Here it is. I also need an emergency contact, when you’re ready.”

            Andy rolled his eyes. “Kinda late for that. I’m already here. Just leave it blank.”

            “I’ll ask again later.” The nurse set Andy’s phone next to his hand, and moved the bed remote next to the phone. Then he left, and Andy sighed.

            His good hand flipped open his phone. No texts. No missed calls. His heart sank. Did Rob even care? Or did Rob just not know? Andy sent a text. I’m in the hospital. Car wreck. I’m okay, just banged up. His arm dropped back down. Maybe he should have upgraded to something with a keyboard by now.

            He dozed off a couple times, just for a second here and there. His head felt full of mud. He pulled closer a rolling tray to grab a cup of water, then checked the time on his phone. Quarter past nine. He called the office.

            “Dunder Mifflin; this is Erin.”

            “Hey, it’s Andy. Guess where I’m at?” He tried to sound fine. But his voice was strained and weary.

            Erin tried to guess. “Uhh, a petting zoo. No, wait—gas station. Final answer.”

            “Good guess, but no.”

            “Was petting zoo the right answer?”

            “No. I’m in the hospital. I won’t be coming in today. Can you make sure Michael knows so I don’t get in trouble for missing work?”

            “Wait—hospital? Are you okay? What happened?” The line beeped and another voice joined in.

            “Andy, it’s Pam. You’re on speaker. Why are you in the hospital?”

            Andy grimaced. “Hi, Pam. Good to know the whole office is invested. I’m fine; I just can’t come into work for a while. Got some hurt bones and had a little bit of a coma, they said. I might be a few days.”

            “A coma?? What the hell happened?”

            He couldn’t tell them. It was too embarrassing and too stupid. He dodged the question. “Gotta go, Pam. There’s a sexy nurse about to give me a sponge bath. I’ll see you all when I get out.” He hung up.

            He caught sight of the nurse from earlier standing in the doorway. “That was a joke, right?”

            Andy laughed awkwardly. “Yeah. Just a joke.”

            “Okay, well since you’re awake, we’ll be taking you off the IV painkillers and switching to pills. Do you have any allergies to medication or substance abuse problems?”

            “No to both of those.”

            “Great. I’ll relay that to your doctor, and you’ll have something later today.”

            An hour later, the nurse came back with a plastic cup holding a few different pills. Andy looked up at him. “What are these?”

            “Pain meds. Low dose, since you should be feeling better by now. We’ll taper them off before discharge.” He hesitated. “Your doctor had a look at the paramedics’ report.”

            “Oh god.” Andy took the pills and groaned. “How bad?”

            “Well, we’re not supposed to pry if there’s no medical reason.”

            “Am I going to jail?”

            “What? No.” The nurse patted Andy’s shoulder. “But that did just answer my question, so I don’t have to ask it.”

            Andy winced. “Don’t tell anyone. I don’t want the whole hospital laughing at me.”

            The nurse nodded and left. Andy looked at his phone again. Nothing. Another hour passed. The drugs were in full effect, and Andy stared into space, head foggy and body heavy. He sank into his thoughts. Why hadn’t Rob said anything? Andy wanted to text him again. And yet, he wondered if Rob was right. If he really had been too needy. If he had been pushing too hard for Rob’s affection. If he simply wanted too much.

            It was hard to think through the fog. He struggled to follow his own thoughts. They slipped away, frayed and smoky. Rob. Affection. Longing. Alone. Rob. Desire. Guilt. Need. Rob. All jumbled and aimless like a cloud of flies. And just when his head began to taste clarity, the nurse came back and knocked on the open door.

            “You feeling up for visitors?”

            Andy turned his eyes to him. He raised the head half of the bed with the remote. “Rob?” For a brief second, there was hope. A sting of joy and expectation. In that instant, he knew Rob was waiting in the hall, holding some cheap gift in anxious hands. For him.

            But it wasn’t Rob. The nurse looked back into the hall. “Is one of you Rob?” He turned again to Andy. “No Rob.”

            Andy felt the wet on his cheeks and the grip in his heart. “Come in, I guess.”

            His boss and coworkers filed in and surrounded the bed. All of them. Every single one. Andy looked at them all. And wept. Erin held his good hand, squeezing gently. Michael tucked a gift-shop teddy bear into the crook of his sling. Andy cried harder, releasing all his stamped-down misery in a cathartic wail. Everyone waited patiently until the flood dried up and Andy calmed down.

            “Sorry, guys. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.” He sniffled. “It means a lot you came at all.” He gave a weak smile.

            Oscar shook his head. “I think we’ve figured out by now when you’re putting on a brave face. We were all worried.”

            From the back, Kevin piped up. “Who’s Rob?”

            The others turned and gave him a stern look. Andy took in a breath. Whether the drugs or his heart, something told him they had earned the truth. “Rob is… He’s my… We’re, uh, together.”

            Erin blinked. “You mean like…?”

            “Yeah. I’m gay.” He shut his eyes and waited for the worst.

            Angela brought the worst. “Is this Broccoli Rob? The man you wanted to come sing at our wedding? That Rob?”

            Andy grimaced. “Yep. That’s the one.”

            “Unbelievable. Were you planning to sleep with him on our wedding night?”

            Jim stepped in. “Ooh, Angela. I seem to remember you having another man yourself. Also, super bad time for this.”

            “Whatever.” She crossed her arms and looked away.

            Michael tutted in thought. “Why isn’t your boyfriend here? Stuck in traffic?”

            Andy blinked away the urge to cry again. “Uh, no. I don’t know. Probably he’s not coming.”

            Pam knitted her brows. “Why isn’t he coming?”

            “God, all of you are asking a lot of questions.” Andy took a second to breathe. “I think we’re fighting.”

            “You think? What do you mean?”

            Andy closed his eyes and sighed. “I don’t know if he really loves me.” He sniffled again. “I dunno, maybe I’m too selfish. I want a little romance. I want to spend time together. Just… just something more than having to leave right after we do it. Just five fucking minutes before he goes ‘you can leave now’. I want him to show me I matter to him.” He opened his eyes. “That was probs TMI, wasn’t it?”

            Oscar gestured incredulously. “Why do you stay with him? You can do so much better.”

            “Hmm, doubt. You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”

            “Andy, am I the kind of person to lie just to soothe a man’s ego?”

            “You think I would know?”

            “Fair point. But I’m not lying.”

            Andy freed his hand from Erin’s and grabbed his water cup. “He’s the only man who’s wanted me. And I love him.” He drank the rest of the water and put the cup back. “And he’s amazing in bed.”

            Oscar sighed. “I get it. I’ve been there. But you’re clearly not happy. Yes, it’s scary to leave your first lover. But you should leave him.”

             “No. I just haven’t tried hard enough. If I just keep trying, I can make things how they used to be.”

            Pam gave Andy a knowing look, but said nothing. Jim cleared his throat uncomfortably.

            “Well. This sure has been a visit. I’m sure Andy could use a rest, right Andy?”

            Andy hummed noncommittally. “Sorry I made everything weird. Kinda loopy right now.”

            Oscar butted in again. “Jim, we can’t abandon him just because you’re uncomfortable. Andy, do you want us to stay?”

            Andy hesitated. “What if it’s never enough? What if I keep trying and he just never changes?” His voice broke. “What if it’s always gonna be like this?”

            The others glanced at each other. After a painful silence, Phyllis spoke.

            “It sounds like you know what you want to do.”

            Andy squinted through the drug-haze, and for a moment, he saw clarity. “Yeah. I know. I just don’t want to be alone.”

            “And I’ll be right there to be your wingman,” Oscar said. “WMFL, remember?”

            “I’m scared.”

            Michael gave him a reassuring smile. “We’ll be right there with you.”

            Andy looked at them all. “You guys would do that?”

            Aside from Kevin, who looked like he was on the cusp of a giggle fit, and Angela, who looked self-righteously disgusted, Andy’s coworkers—friends—all nodded. Angela led Kevin out into the hall. Andy picked up his phone in his good hand.

            “Um… it’s best not to have you guys listen on speaker. You don’t wanna hear… yeah.”

            He called Rob.

            “Andy. I’m at work right now. Is this important?”

            Andy huffed. “Yes, this is important. Did you not get my text?”

            “You said you were fine. What do you want?”

            “At least pretend to care. We need to talk.”

            Rob went silent for a moment. “Why?”

            “Please, Rob. I just… I need to talk to you. Can you come visit me?”

            Rob huffed in agitation. “Fine. I’ll swing by tomorrow. Text me the address.”

            He hung up.

            Andy closed his phone and dropped it onto his blanket. “Thanks guys.”

            Dwight frowned. “You didn’t do it.”

            “No. I owe it to him to do this in person. If I’m gonna end things, I gotta do it right.” Andy gave a wry smile. “Kinda wanna be alone now, if that’s cool.”

            The others said goodbye and left. Andy pulled the teddy bear out of his sling and stared at it. The thing looked too happy. He tossed it onto the side table and sighed. Did he really have the resolve for this? He had been with Rob for so long. What would life even look like without him? Life without Rob, without his touch, without his comfort, without anyone to give Andy the love he so desperately depended on. Andy would be alone. Thrown again into that agonizing solitude he hadn’t felt in years, with no idea how to escape.

            The pain meds started to wear off. Andy’s eyes spilled over.

            Morning came. Andy flipped through the channels on the hospital television. Nothing kept his interest. The day crawled past, and all the while, Andy waited for Rob. The nurse removed his saline drip and helped him to the bathroom. His legs were weak, but supported him enough to go on his own.

            He sat and emptied his bladder, clenching his teeth through the ache in his bones. His meds had been halved, just barely soothing the worst. He didn’t care. Part of him was thankful for the distraction.

            After a quick x-ray, Andy’s neck brace was replaced with a softer one. The damage wasn’t as bad as he thought. He rested, now more comfortable, and waited for Rob. He sent a nurse to get some magazines. “Something light,” he said. She came back with a few men’s magazines and a couple entertainment rags. Andy thanked her and flipped through the pages.

            Rob would like that. Rob would look good in that. Rob would laugh at that. Rob, Rob, Rob. Andy sighed. He looked at the clock. It was evening now. Already an hour since he had picked at his plate of meatloaf and succotash. Finally, at ten o’clock, Rob appeared in the doorway.

            “Hey, Andy.”

            “Rob.” Andy grinned. Oh, god, it was so good to finally see him! He sat up and patted the chair next to him.

            Rob sat down and took Andy’s hand. “I got you something.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out two keychains. He handed one to Andy. It was a flat rectangle: on one side, Rob’s Cornell yearbook photo; on the other, a recent one of him in his letterman sweater. “I got a matching one with your pictures, see?” He held up the other: Andy’s photos.

            Andy laughed. “Wow. It’s perfect.” He held his smile as his gut twisted. Guilt crept in, and he shoved it down. “This is… really sweet.”

            “I know things have been kinda bad lately. I want to make things better.” Rob kissed Andy’s hand. “You’re so important to me, Andy.”

            “Rob…” It was overwhelming. Too sudden. And oh god, how Andy wanted to believe it. “This means so much to me.”

            Rob leaned in and kissed him. Soft and tender. Andy melted under him. Rob ran his hand over Andy’s chest.

            Andy broke away. “I’m not exactly in a good state to make love.”

            Rob smiled. “I’m not gonna give you my cock.” He leaned closer to whisper in Andy’s ear, “I’m gonna give you my mouth.”

            Andy sucked in a shaky gasp. “Oh my god. Fuck, Rob, I… I thought you didn’t want to do that?”

            “I want to make you happy.” Rob reached down and pulled the blanket away from Andy’s lap. “Prove to you I mean it.”

            “F-fuck… Just close the door. Please.”

            Rob grinned. He stood up and went to shut the door. When he turned around, Andy was pulling his gown up. He stroked himself to full mast as Rob sauntered back to the bed. Rob climbed up and hovered over Andy. He kissed him again, lips parted in invitation. Andy accepted, and flicked his tongue into Rob’s mouth. He brought his hand up and wove his fingers into Rob’s salt-and-pepper curls.

            It felt so good. It was everything Andy wanted. Gentle and intimate. The taste of Rob’s mouth. He whimpered when Rob broke the kiss.

            Rob made his way south, scooting back down the bed and leaving a trail of affectionate pecks along the way. Until he was mere inches above Andy’s prick. “I’ve never done this. I’ll try to do what you do.”

            He opened his mouth. His breath was hot and wet and Andy watched him take his first taste. A hesitant lick under the head. Rob closed his lips around Andy’s foreskin. Then let go. He gave it another lick, then took the head in his mouth.

            Andy gasped. It was unlike anything he had ever felt. He watched Rob take him deeper. He felt the roof of his mouth and the caress of his tongue. Rob’s lips met Andy’s pubic hair. Andy groaned and sighed, and gasped when he felt the first pull of suction.

            Rob pulled off for a second. “The whole thing fits. Does it feel good?”

            “Don’t stop. Do it more.”

            Rob took him in again. He sucked and hummed around Andy’s penis, sending vibrations up the shaft. Andy moaned and pushed his fingers once more into Rob’s hair. “Oh, yes. Just like that. Fuck, you’re good.” Rob grabbed Andy’s thighs and bobbed his head, slurping and gulping.

            Andy held on for a few minutes. He needed to savor this. He needed to burn the memory into his skull. Rob’s mouth, Rob’s devotion. Clumsy as it was, Andy loved it. Even the faint scrape of teeth Rob tried so hard to avoid. Andy’s hand tightened its grip on Rob’s hair.

            “Fuck… I’m gonna cum.” His back arched and his seed filled Rob’s mouth. Rob backed off and spit it out into his hand. He went into the bathroom and washed it away. When he came back, Andy was straightening his gown and blanket. Rob smiled down at him.

            “When are you getting out?”

            “I don’t know. Probably by Friday. I’ll let you know.”

            “What’s left to do here?”

            “They said I gotta taper off the pain meds. Maybe some tests, too.”

            Andy was released the next day. He called Rob for a lift home. Rob picked him up an hour after discharge. At Andy’s apartment, Rob helped him through the door and set him down on the couch. “I got dinner ready to throw in the oven. Do you need help with a shower?”

            “Maybe. Just be on standby in case?”

            “Yeah.”

            Andy stood. Walking hurt a little, but he could handle it. He went into the bathroom and carefully undressed. He saw himself in the mirror and winced. Yellow, half-healed bruises patterned his body. He turned away. He put the cover on his cast and turned on the shower.

            Despite the awkwardness, the shower soothed him. He couldn’t use all of his usual soaps, but he was able to get clean. He let the hot water run over him, easing the pain.

            He dried off and threw on a robe. He hung his cast cover on the towel hook and stepped out. Rob was there, waiting for him. “Hey, you.”

            Andy took Rob’s hand and went with him to the table. Dinner was a casserole—easy to eat with one hand. Fake candles lit the table, and Rob poured them each a glass of wine.

            Andy couldn’t stop smiling. They talked and laughed and ate together, and Andy felt hopeful. He gazed lovingly at Rob. And when they were done, Rob cleared the dishes.

            Rob pulled Andy to his feet and held him. “Do you think you can handle making love?”

            “Just be gentle.”

            They went to bed. Rob took his time, letting Andy guide him. Soft here, a little more. Faster. Andy pulled Rob deeper. Rob kissed everywhere he could reach. He scattered love bites all over Andy’s neck and chest. And when the two reached climax, they cried out in unison.

            Rob pulled out and climbed off the bed. He put his clothes back on without a word.

            Andy frowned. “You’re not gonna stay?”

            “I don’t want to cuddle, Andy.”

            “Come on. I need it now more than ever.”

            Rob turned around, scowling. “Didn’t I do enough? All that stupid romantic shit—that wasn’t enough for you?”

            “Stupid?” Andy sat up. “You think romance is stupid?”

            “Of course it is! But I did it for you! And now you want more? It’s too much, Andy!”

            Andy snapped. “You know what—just get out. Get out! I don’t want to look at you! Get the fuck out!”

            Rob gathered his things and left, slamming the door behind him. Andy sat in the quiet for a while, hugging his knees and blinking back tears.

Chapter Text

Ch 9: Just One More Time

            Andy spent the next few days sprawled on the couch, staring mindlessly into the television. He had been given a week’s worth of medication. He took none of it. The pain kept him distracted. Distracted from the nagging urge to run right back to Rob.

            Rob sent a few texts over those few days. Flirty nothings. The occasional dick pic. Not an apology. Nothing to acknowledge there had ever been a fight. Andy’s phone buzzed again.

            Horny about you.

            Andy grimaced and tossed his phone back onto the coffee table. It was worse that Rob wasn’t bitter. Wasn’t insulting or threatening at all. No. Ignoring it was worse. Ignoring the fight was ignoring the reason for it. So Andy ignored Rob. And it hurt.

            Monday came. Andy was sick of his apartment. He called Meredith for a ride to work. His car was totaled. He met her out front and climbed into the passenger seat.

            “Thanks again for this. I’ll try to get a rental as soon as I can.”

            Meredith started the van. “No biggie. Save that cash for buying. I like the company.”

            The drive to work was nice. The conversation was light, and the van was spacious. Meredith parked in the shade and the two entered the building.

            When Andy stepped into the office, a few heads looked up. Jim greeted him with a “Welcome back.” Andy forced a smile and went to his desk. Waiting for him was a get-well card and some mittens from Phyllis. Andy opened the card as he sat down and read the crowded mess of signatures. A few people had jotted down brief sentiments—the typical well wishes. Stock phrases. But it was nice all the same.

            Work proved somewhat hindered by Andy’s cast. The plaster across his palm made typing slow, frustrating work. After a couple hours, Michael called a meeting, and Andy was glad to have a break.

            Everyone poured into the conference room and found a seat. Andy sat in the third row. He felt the poorly-hidden stares from his coworkers. He couldn’t blame them. Even if his cast was hidden under his jacket sleeve, there was no ignoring the neck brace. He felt awkward.

            Kelly plopped down next to him. “Hey, you’re back. That’s awesome. Ooh—you gotta let me sign your cast. Please? Please please please?”

            Andy’s stomach twisted. “I would, but…” He scrambled for an excuse. No excuse came. “I don’t want to.”

            Before Kelly could protest, Michael clapped his hands for everyone’s attention. “Okay, people! Listen up!” He went to the giant paper pad and tapped it with his knuckle. “We’re gonna talk about something important. We’re gonna talk about…” He turned the page and read the big, black letters aloud. “’Bad romance’. Roma, romama. Bad relationships. Bad partners. Gaga, ooh lala.”

            Andy shrank into his chair. Michael pointed to him. “Yes, Andy. I’m talking about you.”

            “Yep. Gathered that. But how about we don’t talk about me? Or this?”

            “Denied. Come on, this is about support. This is about taking your experience and teaching from it.”

            “You can’t have my experience. It’s mine.”

            “Too late. I’m taking it.”

            Andy groaned in frustration. Michael continued, “Now, until recently, Andy was in a relationship with a man—”

            “Not ‘was’. We’re still together.”

            The others called out in disappointment. “Come on!” “What the hell!” “Seriously??”

            Andy crossed his arms. “It’s complicated. There’s like, nuance to it.”

            “No, Andy,” Oscar argued, “it’s not complicated. You’re not happy being with him.”

            “I can’t… explain it. Do we really have to talk about this?”

            “Yes we do,” Michael said, “and this is exactly why. Because for whatever reason, you’re still with this guy.”

            Arguing was pointless. It would only prolong the torture. Andy rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

            “Okay.” Michael flipped the page over. “I’m sure all of you remember my experience with a bad partner. You remember Jan. So, let’s start with what helped me.” He took a marker and drew a line down the middle of the paper. “Pros and cons. Andy?” He held out the marker.

            “Pass.”

            “You can’t pass.”

            Kelly held her hand up. “I’ll go.”

            Michael shook his head. “No. Today is about Andy.”

            “I thought today was about teaching. Isn’t my relationship just as messed up as Andy’s?”

            Andy threw his hands up. “Thanks, Kelly. See? Somebody else wants to go, Michael.”

            Michael sighed. “We all know how that would go. Do we really want to end up watching Kelly and Ryan fight for twenty minutes and make out?” There were a few murmurs of agreement. “Okay, I’ll start off on the pros side. What are Rob’s pros?”

            Andy slid down his chair and stared at the ceiling. “Since you won’t drop this… I mean, we have a lot in common. We both went to Cornell. We were in Here Comes Treble together.”

            “Okay. Stuff in common.” Michael wrote it down. “What else?”

            “We’re, uh, very compatible. You know, intimately.”

            Michael wrote down, ‘good sex’. “Okay.”

            Kelly interrupted, “Is he hot?”

            Andy gave an embarrassed smile. “So hot.” He pulled out the keychain and showed her the side with the recent photo. “This is him.”

            A few others gathered around while Michael wrote ‘hot bod’ on the pad. “Okay, now let’s go into cons. Whaddaya got?”

            Andy stared at the keychain. Rob looked back from the photo. He looked smug, like he knew he was irresistible. And he was. And Andy kept coming back again and again. Weak. He sighed. “He’s just… so closed-off. Like, distant. We don’t hang out anymore. We don’t talk. He’s never there for me when I need him. All we do is, you know, do it. And then he tells me to leave. Like, is that all I am to him? Is that all I’m good for? Just a good fuck? Does he even love me anymore?”

            His voice broke. His eyes spilled over. He pulled out his pocket square and dried his face. But the tears just kept coming. His body shook as he tried to keep it all in.

            Everyone held still and stared at Andy. They waited for him to pull himself together. After a minute, he sniffled and shoved his handkerchief into his pocket. “I feel so stupid.”

            Michael turned the page over. “You’re not stupid. And that brings us to the next point: why is it hard to leave? Why do we stay?”

            Erin spoke up. “Breakups are conflict. Conflict is scary.”

            Then Pam. “Change is scary.”

            Then Ryan. “I think I just don’t want anyone else to have my things.”

            Then Kelly. “Aww, Ryan! For me, I just like the drama. It’s like a movie, like the scenes when the couples get back together. So romantic.”

            Then Michael. “With Jan, I thought it was better to be unhappy than alone.”

            Andy stroked his keychain with his thumb. “It’s complicated. I want things to be how they used to be.” He turned it over, to the yearbook side. “He used to be just what I needed. He was understanding and exciting and he knew what it was like to be like me. I try to bring that Rob back, and he just shuts it down. And at this point, we’ve been together so long, I don’t even know who I would be without him. He makes me feel wanted. Like I’m worth having around. He doesn’t look at me like I ruined everything by showing up. I don’t have to earn his approval. I can just… be me. And that’s enough for him.”

            The room went quiet. Andy closed his fist around the keychain. “Why isn’t it enough for me? Why can’t I be happy?” He squeezed his eyes shut. “God. I’m the problem. If I wasn’t so selfish, everything would be fine.”

            Oscar turned in his seat to face Andy. “A couple minutes ago, you said you didn’t know if he loves you. And when we saw you at the hospital, he didn’t seem to care. Does that sound like a man that ‘should be enough’ for you?”

            Andy looked at the paper pad up front. Conflict. Change. Possessive. Drama. Alone. He thought of Jan; how obvious it was that she made Michael miserable. He thought of Ryan; miserable with or without Kelly. He thought of Rob. Rob, who had his fun and threw Andy away. Rob, who refused to spend time with him when they were both clothed. Rob, who hated romance. Rob, who wouldn’t hold him when he needed it.

            “Oh my god.”

            He fled from the conference room. He ran into the stairwell and sank into a tight ball in the corner. And wept. He stayed there, mourning, until five. Nobody bothered him. They knew he needed this. Until five, when Jim opened the stairwell door.

            “Hey. It’s quitting time. How you feeling?”

            “Like shit.”

            “You need anything?”

            “Do I?” Andy rubbed his eyes. “I’m starving.”

            “Okay. I’m gonna get your stuff, then we’ll go to Poor Richard’s and get some food in you.”

            “No. I don’t want to go to Poor Richard’s. I have some pasta salad in the fridge. Can you get it for me?”

            “Sure thing.” Jim left for a few minutes, then came back with Andy’s coat, bag, and lunch. He sat with Andy while he wolfed down his food, then helped him to his feet. “Come on. Let’s get you to your car.”

            “Don’t have a car. Crashed it, remember?”

            “Do you need a ride?”

            Andy put his coat on. “No. I’ll get a taxi. There’s something I have to do.”

            Jim smiled in understanding. “Good luck, buddy.”

            In the cab, Andy texted Rob. I’m coming over. We need to talk.

Chapter Text

Ch 10: Then That’s It

            Rob called three times while Andy was sitting quietly in the back of the cab. Andy didn’t answer. He knew if he did, he would lose his resolve. The driver looked at him through the rearview mirror.

            “Ain’tcha gonna answer that?”

            Andy looked out the window, out at the city washed with orange sunset. “No.” His phone kept ringing. He didn’t look at it. He didn’t want to see Rob’s name on the screen. Not now. Not when he needed every ounce of strength he had.

            The taxi pulled up outside Rob’s apartment building. Andy paid the driver and got out. Up the stairs and down the walkway to Rob’s door. Andy knocked.

            Rob’s voice came through the door: “Since when do you knock? Come in.”

            Andy opened the door. Rob was sitting on the floor next to it. He looked up at Andy. “Still healing, huh?”

            “Bones take a while.”

            “How bad is it?”

            “So you care now?” Andy closed the door and went to the couch to sit. He beckoned Rob over. “Come on. I need to talk to you.”

            Rob stood and walked closer. He set his hand on Andy’s cast, draped along the arm of the couch. “I love you, Andy.”

            Andy didn’t look at him. “Do you?”

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “It means you don’t show it. What happened to you? Where’s the man who took me to rooftops just to listen to my problems? Where’s the man who had the balls to be vulnerable with me? We used to be so close. Did you just get tired of pretending? No point faking it when you know I’ll always put out?”

            “I never pretended.”

            “Then what happened?”

            Rob went silent. He took his hand back. After a moment, Andy broke the silence.

            “I came out at work.”

            Rob glared at him. “Why did you do that?”

            “I felt safe. They were there for me. You weren’t.”

            “Did you out me too?”

            Andy scoffed. “That’s what you care about? Not ‘How did it go?’ or anything? No, you only care how it affects you. Typical Rob.”

            “Answer me.”

            “Actually, yeah. Under the effect of heavy painkillers, I let it slip. Painkillers for the car crash that you also didn’t ask me about. Not once.”

            “My fuck-up doesn’t make yours okay.”

            “Right back atcha.”

            They looked at each other, brows furrowed and mouths scowling. Andy stood up and looked Rob in the eye.

            “I want out.”

            “What?”

            “I don’t want this anymore. I’m not happy.”

            “You don’t mean that.” Rob took hold of Andy’s shoulders. “You still love me; I know you do.”

            “I’m not happy,” Andy repeated.

            Rob hugged him. Andy let him. Rob hid his face against Andy’s neck brace. “Don’t leave me. I need you.”

            “Just not enough to show it, right?”

            “I…” Rob squeezed Andy tighter. “I can’t be weak.”

            Andy pushed him away. “What the fuck does that mean?”

            Rob stood there. His arms, now empty, held in front of him. He looked at Andy with a pained expression. And for a moment, Andy softened. He took Rob’s hand.

            “Look, I didn’t need you to sing it from the rooftops or anything. You just had to show me that you cared.”

            “Let me try. Please.”

            “I made up my mind.”

            “Then unmake it. Just let me have you one more time before you decide.”

            Andy let Rob’s hand go and turned away. “Always sex with you. That’s all you ever want.”

            “Andy—”

            “You think you can change my mind by fucking it out of me? Seriously?” He huffed. “Unbelievable. Actually, no. I’m curious—what’s your plan with that? I already know I’m gonna miss the sex.”

            “Humor me. Give me this one thing, and I’ll accept whatever you decide.”

            Andy sighed. Truthfully, he did want it. How could he not? It was more than tempting. One last taste of pleasure before the void. The indefinite loneliness, without the comfort of flesh.

            “Fine. But I want you to wear a condom.”

            Rob nodded. “Hop in the shower. I’ll get the bed ready.”

            Andy went into the bathroom and got undressed. He started the shower, then realized he didn’t have his cast cover. He dug under the sink and found a couple liquor store bags. It would have to do. It took a lot of effort, but he managed to tie the bags over his cast.

            His doctor had said he could take the brace off to bathe. His vertebra had only cracked, and less badly than the first x-ray had suggested. He only needed to stop himself from moving too roughly.

            The warm water ran over his body. He carefully washed his hair, breathing in the perfumes of the shampoo. He let the suds run down his neck, his chest, his back, down to his pubic hair and over his backside. Way back when, Rob would watch him, stroking himself while he waited his turn. Andy rinsed, then grabbed the body wash. He used to put on a show for Rob. Used to make a striptease out of it. Soap now, inside him. Diluted enough not to irritate. Andy fingered himself, opening the way as he often did.

            He stepped out and dried off, making sure his cast was still dry. He put his brace back on, then slipped into a bathrobe. He stood in front of the bathroom door, knowing what was waiting on the other side. Rob. The last time. And goodbye.

            Andy opened the door.

            The lights were dim, supplemented by a few scented candles scattered on shelves around the room. Lavender. Vanilla. Something called ‘Ocean Breeze’, whatever that meant. And sitting on the side of the bed was Rob.

            Rob patted the space beside him. “Come here.”

            Andy circled around and climbed onto the bed. He lay supine, looking up at the ceiling. Rob moved closer. He hovered over Andy’s side and took his good hand, bringing it to his lips. He kissed Andy’s fingers. Soft. Sensual. “You’re beautiful.”

            He untied Andy’s robe and spread it open. He raked his eyes over Andy’s body, taking in every inch of skin. Savoring it. He touched his hand to Andy’s brace. “Do you need this?”

            “You didn’t ask last time. Why now?”

            “I know. I should have. But you didn’t tell me to stop.”

            “If you want to be rough with me, it stays on.”

            “Do you want it rough?”

            Andy looked away and thought. Rough felt good. Felt satisfying. And if this was going to be the last time, he wanted to make the most of it. “Yes.”

            Rob’s hand retreated, running slowly down Andy’s body. He caressed every curve on his way down, and stopped at Andy’s hip. Andy’s prick stirred awake, lazily rising from its nest. All over, his body hair stood on end in anticipation.

            In that moment, Andy felt weak. Could he really go on without this? Without being touched by hands that knew oh so well how to please him? He watched Rob bring his good hand to his lips again and take a finger into his mouth. He gasped as Rob began to suck, warm tongue and eager lips fellating his finger.

            ---

            “Would you do that for me?”

            The porno played on the living room television. Two men in bed, rock hard, not yet fucking. Just touching. One hovering over the other’s lap, grinding in the air. The other sucking the first man’s fingers as he groped his ass.

            “I grab your ass all the time.”

            “Not that. You know… with your mouth?”

            “What’s the point of that? You’re not gonna finger me, and it’s not your dick.”

            “I know. That’s not the point. I just think it would be kinda hot.”

            “Yeah, I’m not gonna do that. It’s stupid.”

            ---

            Rob’s free hand worked its way back up Andy’s torso. He cupped Andy’s chest and circled his thumb over his nipple. Andy hummed from deep within his chest. He was at full mast now. He brought his knees up and parted his legs.

            Rob let his hand go. “Not yet.” He guided Andy’s legs back down. “I want this to be perfect.” He sat back and slowly took his clothes off. Once nude, he helped Andy sit up a little and rearranged the pillows behind his back. Andy settled back into the pillows, now with a better view of Rob. A better view of Rob’s erection.

            ---

            “Slow down. I wanted more foreplay.”

            “What do we need foreplay for? We’re both already horny. Come on, baby. I can’t hold back. Let me put it in already.”

            “Fine. Whatever. Fuck me, I guess.”

            ---

            Rob cupped Andy’s face in his hands and kissed him. Slowly. Tenderly. He pulled back, gazing into Andy’s eyes. “I love you, Andy. I love your cute smile. The joy in your eyes when you’re in your element. I love the way you laugh.” His right hand trailed down to Andy’s inner thigh, right at its most sensitive spot. He stroked his thumb over it and kissed Andy again. “I love your voice. I love the way you moan my name. I love how good it feels to hold you. Like you belong in my arms.”

            Andy’s breath was slow and heavy. His head swam dizzily. He looked at Rob and resisted the urge to kiss him. “Where was this sweet talk when I needed it?”

            Rob didn’t answer. He helped Andy turn over, adjusting the pillows to make him comfortable. Slowly, he lifted the bathrobe up to Andy’s waist.

            “I want to spank you.”

            Andy hummed and swayed his hips. “Have I been bad?”  

            Rob sighed. “Yes. You’ve been bad. You’re a bad boy, Andy.” He ran his hands over Andy’s bottom, fondling him. “How many do you deserve?”

            “Ten. Then I want you to fuck me while it still hurts. Get the condom ready.”

            Rob leaned over to the nightstand and grabbed the gold foil packet. He ripped it open and rolled the condom on, then held it in place as he brought his hand down with a loud smack against Andy’s bottom.

            Andy gasped at the impact. “Again.”

            The second hit jolted Andy into the pillows. He moaned, unable to stop the smile from spreading on his face. “Keep going.”

            The hits came down harder, louder, each one earning its own pleasured sound from Andy’s lips. His skin quickly darkened from pink to red, and after the tenth strike landed, Rob grabbed the lube and slicked his cock. “That’s ten. Now tell me what you want.”

            Andy arched his back. “You know what I want. Give it to me hard and slow. Slap my ass as much as you want.”

            Rob moved in and lined himself up with Andy’s entrance. His other hand held them both steady, his palm flat on the small of Andy’s back. His dick nudged against Andy’s hole, and he took his time easing inside. Andy bit his lip and sighed, enjoying every prolonged second. His ass felt so full. Rob was so deep. Finally, he felt Rob come to a stop, flesh pressed to flesh.

            Yeah. He was going to miss this.

            “Mmh… Big.”

            “All for you.”

            “Then give it to me.”

            Rob pulled out a few inches, then slammed back in. Andy gasped and lurched into the pillows. Rob thrusted again. And again. Andy moaned and took it all. Every hard thrust was punctuated with the slap of skin and the creak of bedsprings. Rob held Andy’s waist and pulled him back onto his cock.

            Andy gripped the pillows underneath him. “Yes. Just like that. Keep going.” He was glad Rob couldn’t see the stupid grin that refused to leave his face. Rob’s hand came down hard on Andy’s bottom. Andy cried out in pleasure. “Oh my god! More!”

            The pain built with every slap. It was heaven. Everything was perfect. Every detail. The slow pounding, the sting in his backside, the loving attention to his comfort.

            So why didn’t Andy feel the least bit tempted to stay? Why did his resolve only grow stronger?

            ---

            “Why should I put in all that extra effort? You already like what I like doing to you.”

            “That’s not the point, Rob.”

            “Then what?”

            “I just… I dunno. I want to feel like I’m worth doing something just because I like it. Don’t I do that for you?”

            “So I’m not doing enough? I’m not giving you a good time?”

            “That’s not what I said. Please, Rob. Just once in a while? Just sometimes?”

            “How can you even ask me that?”

            “Because I do it for you. I don’t like doing everything I do for you, but I do it. Because I love you.”

            “That’s your problem.”

            ---

            And then it made sense. Everything Rob refused to even consider, everything he said was an insult to even ask…

            “Andy… Oh, Andy…”

            Everything Rob said was too stupid…

            “I love you so much, baby. You’re amazing.”

            Everything he never asked for more than once…

            “Fuck, you moan like an angel.”

            Suddenly, it was so easy. It was always easy. And the clarity was intoxicating.

            Rob grabbed Andy’s shoulders and drove himself deeper. Harder. Andy sobbed with euphoria. “Right there! Right there! Don’t stop! Fuck me! Fuck me, Rob! Oh my god!”

            Rob’s cock battered Andy’s prostate. Andy whined higher and higher as he stampeded toward release. His skin burned. His muscles ached. Every nerve overloaded with electric ecstasy.

            “I’m gonna—Oh god! I’m cumming! I’m cumming! I’m—Ohh! Ahhgn! Fuuuuuuuuck!”

            Andy thrashed between the pillows and Rob’s thrusts. His load shot out in violent bursts, soaking the pillow under his crotch. It seemed to go on forever. His orgasm surged through his entire being. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t hear. There was only agonizing rapture. A fiery catharsis of body and soul. And with the release of his semen, Andy was free.

            In the final seconds of consciousness, Andy felt the throbbing pulse of Rob’s ejaculation through the condom. And then the world was gone.

            When Andy came to, he was in Rob’s arms. They were on their sides now, Rob holding Andy to his chest. His cock was still inside. Rob stroked Andy’s hair and hummed softly.

            Andy yawned. He had never been cuddled after sex. It was nice. Comforting. And only an extra nail in the coffin. Rob smiled. “Welcome back. Was I that good?”

            “Yeah. You were.”

            Rob chuckled smugly. “Did that help you make the right decision?”

            “Actually, yeah.” Andy pulled off of Rob’s dick and turned around. He kissed him. One last, sweet kiss. “I’m breaking up with you.”