Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My life is shit. It always has been and it always will be. My Mom left when I was little and my dad went to go look for her. He’ll never find her. He’s already tried. Why bother again?

All I have in life are the Matthews and Topanga. I mean, I have Jack, but that doesn’t mean I want to have him.

I’m living with the Matthews right now. Cory is my best friend but his brother, Eric, is really trying to come in a close second. He offered me his bed so I could share a room with Cory. I’m already enough of a burden, why bother them more. He needs the bed more than i do; I’m used to being trailer trash. I’m used to finding a new place to sleep every night because I got kicked out of my last one whether it’s my trailer or a random park bench. He isn’t.

I feel tapping on my leg.

“Shawnie, wake up; breakfast is ready” it’s Cory

“What is it?” It’s Saturday so his answer determines whether or not i wake up

“Pancakes” he replies

I dash to the kitchen and take a seat. Eric laughs

“Dang, you beat me” he giggles

I eat 2 plates of pancakes and they are delicious.

Cory and I go to his room to watch the Philly’s game but I start to hear a voice downstairs. A voice that I know

“Dad?” I whisper to myself “I’ll be right back” I creep down the stairs to eavesdrop.

Dad’s on the phone with Mr Matthews

“Look Chet, as much as we love him, Shawn isn’t our responsibility he’s your son. He’s just another mouth to feed and i’ve got 3 other kids of my own. I don’t need him adding to the bunch.” I look at Mr Matthews in horror

“Dad, Shawn is a friend I don’t care if he’s yours but he is definitely mine. And quite frankly, we need him. Have you seen how he tucks Morgan in every night? Have you seen how happy he makes Cory feel? Or do you only see bad in having him here? Dad I have a job. I’m an adult. I’ll pay for anything he needs. He needs a family who can take care of him and with all due respect, Chet can’t do that for him” that was the smartest, most mature thing anyone had ever heard Eric say. And it was for me. He said it for me. “Shawn needs us. We are all he has”

I finally say something

“You never wanted me here. Did you? You know what, I never needed you anyways!” I cry “Thanks Eric…for everything” i pause before running out of the door

“What the fuck dad?” Cory shouts. He had rushed down the stairs when he heard yelling.

“Cory, language!” His mum scolds. Cory chases after me and finds me in the parking lot of the gas station nearby, punching a wall

“Shawn stop!” He shouts “your hand is bleeding”

“I don’t fucking care” i say, emotionless. He pulls out a tissue and wipes my hand. The blood fascinated me and it dripped down onto the sidewalk.

“Look, Mr Turner offered to take you go to his place” Cory suggests

“I think you’ll find that school isn’t my thing. I don’t want it at home too” Now more aggressively, Cory replies

“This isn’t a question. Turner is your only option and you will stay with him”

I nod my head in reluctant agreement. We don’t know where Turner lives so Cory sneaks me into his room on in the night until we can talk to him at school.

Chapter Text

*MONDAY MORNING*

I wake up, drained and sneak out of Cory’s bedroom window, wearing Eric’s clothes. Cory is built like a chimp so none of his clothes would fit me. We run into Feeny on the way.

“Eager to go to school? That’s a first boys” he says I’m not in a good mood so I brush past him to get to school early enough to talk to Turner.

“Alright” Feeny mutters

I find Turner in his classroom but Cory does all the talking.

“Jonathan” Cory says charismatically

“Mr Turner” he corrects

“Right… anyways, there was a…situation at my house. Is your offer for Shawn still up?”

Mr Turner looks shocked. Then he looks at me.

“I’d love to have him” I don’t believe that anymore. Everywhere I go, i fuck up. Why would this be any different?

Before class starts I go to the bathrooms. I have a blade in my pocket that I had screwed out of a sharpener. I wondered if this would feel the same as punching the wall did. I locked the stall and carved lines in my arms. I stared in awe as the blood dripped but quickly snapped out of it and cleaned up the blood on the floor and blade. I hear someone walk in and quickly roll down the sleeves of my sweater and walk out. The bell goes and i walk to my first lesson: Social Studies with Mr Feeny. Topanga. Cory. Me. We sit one behind the other in that order. I hate Social Studies. I hate school

“Fuck this” i whisper

“Mr Hunter, watch your language"

I daydream for the rest of the lesson and apparently, the next 3 because before i know it, it’s lunch time.

“Hey Shawn come sit with us” Topanga suggests

“Sorry, gotta run” i didn’t really have anywhere to go but the Cafeteria was not the place for me.

Just another mouth to feed

Just another mouth to feed

Just another mouth to feed

I walk around classrooms trying to find an empty one and I finally do. I sit in the corner and roll up my sleeves. The blood on my arm dried into crispy lines of burgundy. I hear a teacher walk in and roll down my sleeves. It’s Mr Turner.

“Hunter, aren’t you going to have lunch? What are you doing in a classroom?”

“I already did I just ate quickly” i lie

“Well you know you aren’t allowed in classrooms unsupervised”

“When was the last time I followed a rule?” Mr Turner chuckles as I leave the classroom. I get up and things start spinning but I re gain my balance and walk out.

The bell goes for the next lesson. Science. I walk in and see Mr Feeny.

“No no no. This must be the wrong lesson”

“I’ll be your substitute today” Feeny smirks. I sit down and fall asleep. Mr Turner walks in to ask Mr Feeny a question and wakes me up.

“Who’s lesson did I sleep through?” I say tiredly looking back and forth at Feeny and Turner.

“That would be mine” Feeny replies as everyone in the class points to him including Turner. The bell goes and I get up quickly to leave. Too quickly. Everything is spinning again and I fall back into my seat.

“Shawn” Mr Turner holds his hands out to stop me from falling “What’s going on?”

“Just got up too quick” i say weakly

“Have you eaten Mr Hunter?” Feeny says in the distance. I nod hoping Cory catches on and he does

“Yeah he sat with us and had a hamburger, right Topanga?”

“I’m not going to lie if it compromises his health” Topanga says “Shawn didn’t eat with us. I saw him run into Mr Turner’s room”

“What the fuck Topanga”

“Language!” Feeny shouts

Turner sits in the desk next to me

“So you lied to me?” He feels how hot I am.

“Woah you’re burning up. Take off your sweater” I refuse. “Take it off” he commands.

“When did you last eat?” Feeny asks

“Saturday morning” i whisper. Everyone’s voices are overlapping in my head and it just sounds like a million people yelling at me.

“Shawn!” Topanga says disappointedly as she takes off my sweater, revealing my arms “Shawn!” she repeats in tears

“Shawn what’s going on?” Turner asks. I stay silent.

“It was Alan wasn’t it” Mr Turner cracks his knuckles “I’m gonna kill him”

“Now Jonathan, let’s not go and fight any parents” I look down at the ground. Topanga gives me a granola bar and tells me to eat it. I refuse. I throw it onto the desk beside me.

“Like Mr Matthews said ‘I’m just another mouth to feed’” Everyone is looking at my arms. It’s too much. Everyone is yelling. It’s too much. I put my sweater on and take a deep breath. They know everything. My hands get sweaty and i’m not paying attention. I lean against a wall and my breathing slightly quickens.

“Shawn do you hear me?”

“Shawn?”

“I think he’s having another panic attack.” Correct. Cha-ching. Million dollar prize, even though I can’t tell who said it. I slide down the wall and sit on the floor. My heart is beating fast and my words are jumbled up.

“Shawn you’ve had a panic attack before you’ll get through this. Just put your hand on my chest and breathe exactly how you feel me breathing” Cory says. That calms me down a bit. But not enough. I feel dizzy and my mind Is foggy. Topanga quickly sits beside me as my head starts to fall. Luckily I land on her shoulder. I’d had panic attacks before but I had never felt so weak after one as I do now. When I’m finally ok enough to get up, I don’t know what to say. I just grab my bag and leave.

“Stupid. Stupid. Fucking Stupid” I say hitting myself in the head. I hide in a corner behind the lockers and pull out the sharpener blade. Maybe if my whole arm is covered, they can’t tell. I cover the new scars with my other hand, hoping not to stain anything with blood. I hear Cory and Topanga looking for me down the hall. They won’t find me. I throw the blade in someone’s locker and walk in the opposite direction to them. Cory finds me. Cory doesn’t look tough but trust me, when he’s mad, there is no stopping him. He pushes me up against the lockers.

“Show me your arm” he looks mad but I just ignore him. He grabs my sweatshirt and pulls me towards his face. “I said show me your fucking arm” he growls through his teeth. I ignore him again so he just lifts up my sleeve.

“Shawn! Why?” There never really was a solid reason why just an urge. He accidentally touches some of the fresher scars.

“Ow” I wince quietly. He grabs my sweatshirt again. Topanga runs from the end of the hall.

“Cory stop you’re going to hurt him!” Cory doesn’t listen. He never does when he’s mad. I wish I could block people’s voices out like he does.

“Look Shawn, you’re going to stop this and you’re going to stop now” if only it were that easy “If not for you do it for me. Do it for us” a lot calmer, Cory says “give me your arm” Fuck did he say? i do it anyway. He calls Topanga and whispers something to her before they both get pens and start writing on my arms. They wrote stupid love notes:

“Your my bruver. I love you” - C . M

“I love you to the moon and back. Please don’t do this. We love you no matter what anyone thinks” - Topy <3. Cory’s handwriting is really small and he is also severely dyslexic and Topanga’s just looks like a font.. I don’t say anything about the notes. I just walk away.

“Don’t think you’re getting off that easy” Topanga says. I turn around and look at her “you heard what the fuck i said”

“Topanga…did you just swear?!” She ignores my question. “Give me your bag” i’m too confused to refuse so i just give it to her. She takes my compass, ruler, sharpener & scissors out. She even takes my post-its and anything plastic I have. “You won’t be needing these” she says. I’m confused until i realise, they are all sharp enough to cut me. “Nice looking out” i say sarcastically. Why do my friends have to be so nice. I’m useless. I’m just a waste of space.

Chapter Text

School ends and Cory, Topy and I are  walking home. I’m angrily kicking rocks but one is too hard and I trip on it and twist my ankle. I’m not complaining. They took away all my sharp stuff; i have to find another source of pain.

“Shawn you good?” Cory asks. I brush myself off and walk behind them…well…limp behind them. It’s just a twisted ankle. I’ll walk it off. We stop by the park to go see my brother…half-brother, Jack, at the trailer. He’s old enough to fend for himself. Stupid laws say that I’m not. i’m 16. That’s basically an adult. Cory and Topanga go and sit on the swings, eating ice cream.

“Why are you limping?” He asks, offering to help me walk.

“I don’t need your help” i growl “what are you doing” He is sorting through dad’s stuff. I can see that. I just don’t know what else to say.

“Ok ignore my question, great” “i’m sorting out dad’s stuff” i scoff at that comment. “He’s not your dad” biologically, he is but I don’t like that.

“Yes…he is” I hate my dad. But i love him at the same time. I don’t know why I’m so defensive. I knock the letters out of Jack’s hands.

“Did you once check on how we were doing?” I back him into corner. I was already mad. This just made it worse “Did you once cry yourself to sleep, waiting for him to come back to you? And when he didn’t come back, did you think it was something you did? Did you ever think to reach out when you found out you had a brother? Doesn’t sound like you put much effort into being his son” i shout. Jack flinches a bit but he is quick to respond

“No, I didn’t and do you want to know why? He was an ugly drunk and so was Virna! He wasn’t ready to have kids but he did. If he couldn’t take care of me, why should i bother taking care of him” That kills me. I scream at Jack “Don’t you ever talk about my parents like that!” I grab his neck and put him in a headlock and continuously punch his face. We are brothers. No matter how much I hate it, we are alike. He punches me back with the same force. The whole park can hear us fighting and Cory and Topanga run into our trailer to stop the fight. It’s too late. My fist is covered in blood from Jack’s lip and nose and my face is covered in bruises and cuts. Topy locks my arms with his behind my back and Cory pushes Jack far away from me.

“What the hell Shawn!” Cory shouts. I wipe my bloody nose with my sleeve. That was stupid. It wasn’t going to stop bleeding anytime soon.

“Sit down” Topy pushes me to the couch “and Cory, take Jack somewhere please” There’s blood dripping from my face and all over my clothes. I’ll just add it to the collection of my blood stained clothes.

“Oh Shawn, honey” Topanga says, wiping the blood from around my black eye. We sit there in silence for a bit while Topanga cleans up my face and hands. She give’s me a band-aid for the cut across my cheek and a tissue to hold over my bloody nose. I look down at my hands. I’m wearing rings. Shit. I know i wanted to hurt him but at this rate, i probably broke his jaw. Cory comes back after he had sorted Jack out. He wiped up all his cuts and bought a bandage for his hand. He has Jack’s arms cuffed the same way Topanga  had mine.

“Apologise” Cory commands

“I’m sorry Shawn” I limp over to him and give him a hug. I still loved him. I just really wanted to kill him.

“You still never said why you’re limping”

“Don’t ruin it” i say, giving him a friendly pat on the back. Topanga looks at me as if she is waiting for something.

“Shawn? Do you have something to say?”

I remember. “Oh yeah,” i say “i should have taken my rings off before I punched you” Topanga rolls her eyes. She should be thankful. At least it was an improvement from not saying anything.

“And you’re a great brother” i mutter

“What?” Jack says. He heard me. He wanted me to repeat it. He doesn’t even care that I called him great; he is just happy I called him my brother.

Chapter Text

I take off my shoes and sit down. My sock rolls down slightly showing my ankle. It is covered is marks and bruises.

”Shawn. What the hell is that?” Jack says. As if he cares. He doesn’t. No one else does. “It’s nothing” I roll up my sock and go to the other room. “What about dinner?”

“Not hungry” i lie

Just another mouth to feed

Just another mouth to feed

Just another mouth to feed

I go to my old bed. I don’t feel well. My stomach hurts and i feel uncomfortably hot. I sit up on the bed, holding my stomach. I can’t move. It feels like my insides are being ripped apart. Someone knocks at the door.

“Not now” i grunt

“Are you ok?” It’s a girl. It’s Topanga.

“Mhm” i groan. It’s probably because I haven’t eaten.

“I’m coming in” it’s not Topanga anymore. It’s…Eric? What’s he doing here? He manages to unlock my door and comes to sit next to me. I’m a hot, sweaty, pale, sick mess.

“Shawn, what’s going on?” I love Eric. He’s a cute, stupid teddy bear. What’s not to love. No matter how tough i am, I can never bring myself to lie to him. I would tell him the truth…if i could. I’m in too much pain sitting there.

“Have you eaten?” I shake my head. How i wish i could lie to him

“Why?” He asks in the same endearing tone.

“I’m just another mouth to feed. There’s  no need to hassle anyone” i whisper. He doesn’t say anything at first: he hugs me. He finally says something.

“I’m gonna kill him” he says. But-

“I don’t care if he’s my dad” he replies as if he can hear my thoughts.

“And you’re coming with me after you get something to eat. It’s not a burden if i’m making you”

He grabs my arm, the one with the scars, and drags me to the kitchen. He sees the scars and gives me the same look my parents give me when they find an ‘F’ that I didn’t tell them about.

I sit down and eat a slice of pizza. I feel sick while eating.

“I can’t eat this I’m gonna be sick” i say gagging. Eric rolls his eyes and slaps his head before saying

“If you have one more bite i’ll give you 5 bucks” i can’t say no to money. I take one more bite and try not to throw up. Eric hands me the money and we head to his house.